Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/928195.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Sirius_Black/Remus_Lupin
  Character:
      Remus_Lupin, Sirius_Black, James_Potter, Peter_Pettigrew, Severus_Snape,
      Poppy_Pomfrey, Minerva_McGonagall, Original_Female_Character(s), Original
      Male_Character(s), Albus_Dumbledore
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_Canon_Divergence, Alternate_Universe_-_Trans,
      Marauders'_Era, Marauders, Romance, Friends_to_Lovers, Getting_Together,
      Falling_In_Love, Fluff_and_Angst, Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending, Trans_Male
      Character, POV_Trans_Character, Body_Dysphoria, Internalized_Transphobia,
      Transphobia, Homophobia, Bullying, Harassment, Snape_Is_A_Transphobic
      Asshole, Public_Nudity, Self-Harm, Suicide_Attempt, good_parents, Sirius
      Is_A_Good_Boyfriend, First_Time, Sexual_Experimentation, Explicit
      Consent, Frottage, Oral_Sex, Masturbation, Mutual_Masturbation,
      Menstruation, Polyjuice_Potion, Skinny_Dipping, Christmas, Birthday, less
      angsty_and_more_fluffy_after_chapter_3, Peter_ships_Wolfstar_harder_than
      anyone, Podfic, Podfic_Length:_2.5-3_Hours, Top_Remus, Bottom_Sirius,
      Trans_Remus_Lupin
  Series:
      Part 1 of TransVerse
  Collections:
      Trans_Stories, Queer_Characters_Collection, Podfic_Library, stories_of
      our_own:_works_featuring_nonbinary_and_trans_characters
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-10-08 Completed: 2013-11-20 Chapters: 10/10 Words: 25718
****** TransFigured [+podfic] ******
by picascribit
Summary
     “We thought you might be a werewolf," said Sirius.
     "What?" Remus almost laughed at the absurdity.
     "Last year. James and I thought — but the dates didn’t quite match
     up. With the full moons, I mean."
     "Well, I’m not."
     "I know. All I meant was, we thought you might be, and we still
     wanted to be friends. Whatever you’re not telling us — how much worse
     can it be?"
Notes
     Author is AFAB nonbinary. It should go without saying that Remus's
     experiences are uniquely his own, and there is no single right way to
     be trans or to feel about being trans.
     WARNING: There is a suicide attempt in Ch. 3, but the story becomes
     lighter and fluffier thereafter. Snape appears as a very nasty,
     transphobic, homophobic character who throws around a lot of slurs
     (Ch. 2, 3, 5, 10), as well as magically attacking and traumatising
     Remus (Ch. 3). Remus experiences some internalised transphobia, as
     well as moderate to strong body dysphoria. This is not a "born this
     way" trans story; there's a magical twist for the magical world.
     Podfic
     Duration: 2 hr 53 min
     Size: 158 MB
     Download: zip_file_of_mp3s_@_Mediafire
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
He could not really remember what it had been like, before. He had been too
young. Sometimes he wished he could recall what it felt like to be whole -- to
be himself -- but more and more as he grew older, he felt that knowing what he
had lost would be too much to bear. Mostly, Remus Lupin just felt alone.
Making friends was difficult. His unusual circumstances made him awkward and
self-conscious around other children. The secret locked inside him was too big
and too complicated for him to explain in a way that they would understand. His
parents loved him, and they did what they could to ease his path, but they did
not always seem to know what to do with him, either. They researched spells and
bought expensive potions that left Remus feeling sick and weak for days, but
they could find no way to reverse what had been done to him.
When he turned eleven, a flurry of owls flew back and forth between the Lupin
residence and Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, culminating in a long
meeting between Remus's parents and Headmaster Albus Dumbledore.
"Will it be all right, though," asked his anxious father, "putting him in a
dormitory with other boys?"
"I don't see why not," the headmaster smiled. "We take great care at Hogwarts
to keep our students' personal and family matters private. There is no need for
his roommates to know anything Remus does not wish to share with them."
"But if someone should find out -- " said his mother.
"If Remus should ever feel the slightest concern for his safety or his privacy,
he may come to me directly, or speak to the school matron, or his Head of
House," Dumbledore assured her. "I have complete confidence in the discretion
of my staff and their ability to deal with trouble, should the need arise."
In the end, the headmaster managed to convince them that sending Remus to
Hogwarts was in everyone's best interests, and that the care he would receive
there would be every bit as good as that which his parents provided him at
home.
Remus spent his first weeks at school sick with terror. Every time he changed
his clothes or took a shower, he expected his roommates to come bursting in and
discover his secret. The first spell he learned on his own was a Locking charm,
and only when he was sure he had mastered it was he able to relax a little.
For the most part, his three roommates ignored him, and he avoided them. He
spent his waking hours studying in the library, or reading, or walking alone in
the school grounds. In the evenings, Remus went to bed early, sleeping -- or
pretending to -- with his bed curtains drawn. He spoke to the others only when
necessary, and tried not to draw attention to himself in lessons. His roommates
thought he was boring. He did not mind, though; being thought boring was better
than being thought a freak.
The most challenging part of his secret to keep were his monthly appointments
with Madam Pomfrey, the school matron. It was not always possible to schedule
them for weekends, and he was often left feeling weak and sick for hours
afterwards, missing classes and sneaking back into the dormitory when his
roommates were at meals, or after they had gone to sleep. When they inevitably
asked where he disappeared to every month, he made his excuses as vague as
possible.
"I was ill."
The lie was not difficult for his roommates to accept. Remus was small for a
boy of his age, and between his anxiety and the potions, he often looked tired
and unwell. His roommates would probably now consider him sickly and a
weakling, as well as boring, but that was still better than the alternative.
But as the months passed, Remus gradually came to accept his roommates, and
they him. Perhaps it began the first time he laughed at one of James's jokes,
or the first time Peter asked him for help with Defence Against the Dark Arts,
or when he showed Sirius the proper way to cast the Jelly-Legs jinx. They began
to include him in their playful banter, and then to invite him along on their
pranks and adventures.
For a while, Remus was happier than he could ever remember being. He had
friends, and his secret seemed safe. Sometimes his conscience twinged a little,
especially when the others began opening up to him, sharing tales of their own
struggles, but all of their troubles were relatively minor. Apart from the
tears they sometimes fought to hide, they had nothing to feel ashamed of. No
dreadful secrets that might jeopardise their friendship or their prospects for
the future.
===============================================================================
Things changed during the winter of Remus's second year at Hogwarts. His
monthly visits to the hospital wing had been getting worse for some time. Madam
Pomfrey raised the dosage of his potions, but it was not enough to counteract
the changes in his growing body, and only made him sicker than ever. Following
his January appointment, he awoke in his infirmary bed to find blood on the
sheets. The matron helped him clean up and brewed him a calming tea, but he was
still shaking when he returned to the dormitory that evening. He showered and
changed quickly, and had his bed curtains closed by the time his roommates
returned from supper.
Remus lay curled in a miserable ball beneath the covers, but sleep would not
come. The dormitory beyond his curtains grew dark and quiet and Remus was
exhausted, but all he felt was sick horror at the way his body continually
betrayed him. When he could hold them back no longer, the tears came. He tried
to stay quiet, but could not prevent a few deep, shuddering sobs from escaping.
He held his breath, willing himself into silence, and heard a floorboard creak.
One of his roommates was out of bed. He shut his eyes tightly as his bed
curtains rustled and parted.
"Remus? Are you OK?"
Sirius was easily the nosiest of his roommates. If Remus held still and stayed
silent, maybe Sirius would think he was asleep and go back to bed. But he could
not hold his breath forever, and the sobs were not finished with him yet. The
air escaped from his lungs in a ragged gasp, and the mattress sank under his
friend's weight.
"Remus, are you ill? D'you need to see the matron?"
"No." His voice broke around the word. "Go back to bed, Sirius. I'm fine."
"No, you're not. You're shivering." The mattress shifted as his friend settled
onto the bed beside him.
Remus hastily squirmed away. "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting comfortable," said Sirius. "I'm not leaving until you tell me
what's wrong."
"I told you, I'm fine."
"That's bollocks and you know it, mate. If you're fine, why d'you have to go
see the matron all the time?"
"It's nothing. I'm just ill, all right?"
"With what?"
"With none of your bloody business, Black."
Remus's heart pounded. Sirius was not just nosy; he was pushy, too. He would
not leave until he had an answer that satisfied him, and there was none that
Remus could give.
"D'you want me to put Veritaserum in your pumpkin juice?"
"You wouldn't."
"No, I wouldn't," Sirius relented. "Not yours, anyway. Snape, maybe. That might
be funny. But I wouldn't do it to a friend."
"Well -- good."
Sirius was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "We thought you might be a
werewolf."
"What?" Remus almost laughed at the absurdity.
"Last year. James and I thought -- but the dates didn't quite match up. With
the full moons, I mean."
"Well, I'm not."
"I know. All I meant was, we thought you might be, and we still wanted to be
friends. Whatever you're not telling us -- how much worse can it be?"
That startled Remus. His roommates had thought he might be a Dark creature -- a
monster -- and they had never let on, or treated him badly because of it.
"You really would have been friends with a werewolf?"
Sirius nodded. "If you tell me what's really the matter, I swear I won't tell
anyone. Not even James. And I'll tell you something I've never told anyone
else. Something big."
"What?" Remus wavered.
"Not unless you promise to tell me."
Remus knew he had little choice in the matter. Sirius was like a dog with a
bone when it came to mysteries and secrets; he would not let go until he had an
answer.
"All right," Remus reluctantly agreed. "I'll tell you. But you have to tell
yours first."
Sirius took a deep breath, tensing. "I think -- I mean, I know I'm -- I like
blokes. Not girls."
"Oh." Remus had not known what to expect, but that was not it.
"D'you hate me, now I'm a shirt-lifter?" Sirius's tone aimed for jocularity,
but missed. He was worried.
"No," Remus assured him. "No, it's fine."
"Don't tell anyone, all right?"
"I won't."
"So -- what's yours, then?"
Remus found that some of his fear had evaporated with his friend's confession.
Still, it was no easy thing to tell. He could not just blurt it out like Sirius
had; he had to tell the story from the beginning to make his friend understand.
"D'you know who Hector Westcote is?"
Sirius frowned, uncomprehending. "My father knows him. He almost got Minister
for Magic one time, didn't he? But he didn't because there were rumours he had
dodgy connections. What's he got to do with anything?"
"He's my grandfather," said Remus.
Hector Westcote had made his fortune buying and selling rare and ancient spell
books. By the time he reached middle age, he was one of the wealthiest men in
Wizarding Britain. When his only child, Sylvia, had eloped with a Muggleborn
wizard named Marcellus Lupin, Hector had disinherited her, changing his will to
leave all his money to a then-obscure organisation that called themselves the
Death Eaters.
"But he couldn't disinherit me," Remus explained. "Wizarding law says that the
oldest male descendent is automatically the heir, so long as he's a wizard and
hasn't disgraced the family name."
The Death Eaters, however, had not wanted to lose the Westcote fortune to a
half-blood.
"They could have killed me, I guess," said Remus, "but there would have been an
investigation, and if they'd been found out, they would have lost the money
anyway. So they hexed me instead."
"What did they do to you?" Sirius asked.
"Only the oldest boy could inherit, so --" Remus closed his eyes tight, hands
bunched in the blankets, " -- they tried to change me into a girl."
"They what?!" Sirius sat bolt upright.
"Shhh!" hissed Remus. "D'you want to wake the others?"
"Sorry," Sirius whispered. "So what happened then?"
Remus shrugged uncomfortably. "My parents didn't know what to do, except keep
it a secret and try to find a cure. Whoever hexed me couldn't say anything
either -- not without saying how they knew about it."
"Did they ever find a cure?"
"No." The word was bitter on his tongue.
"So. You're a girl?"
"I'm -- no." Remus scrubbed his hands over his face, feeling suddenly weary.
"You wouldn't understand."
A hand touched his shoulder. "I'm trying, Remus," Sirius said softly. "Please?"
Remus looked at his friend, though he was little more than an outline in the
darkness. "They changed my body. They didn't change me. I have to take a bunch
of potions every month to stop my body from changing even more. That's why I go
to the matron. The potions are awful and they don't work very well, but there's
nothing else I can do. I'm still a bloke here -- " he pressed a hand to his
heart, " -- and here," he touched his temple. "I'm just different there," he
finished, waving a hand vaguely between his legs. "Can you understand that?"
Sirius nodded slowly. "I think so."
"And you won't tell anyone?"
"I promised, didn't I?"
"I won't tell anyone your secret, either," Remus assured him.
Sirius snorted. "Mine doesn't seem like much now, does it?"
A reluctant smile tugged at the corner of Remus's mouth. "Not really. But I
still won't tell."
"Is it all right if I stay?" Sirius asked. "My bed's probably gone all cold
while I've been over here being such a brilliantly understanding friend."
Remus's smile got the better of him. "You can stay."
***** Chapter 2 *****
After learning Remus's secret, Sirius became fiercely protective of him. Remus
was grateful for Sirius's unwavering friendship, but it did not always make
things easier. Part of him worried that, for all his friend's good intentions,
Sirius now thought of him as a girl in need of masculine protection. Nor was
Sirius as good at hiding his feelings as Remus was. Towards the end of their
third year, when James teased Remus, calling him a girl for liking reading more
than Quidditch, Sirius broke his nose.
A tense period followed. Remus was upset with Sirius for his lack of self-
control, and fearful that his friend might out him by accident, Sirius was
angry with James for his ignorant remarks, James was annoyed at Sirius for his
seemingly disproportionate violent reaction, and Peter was anxious about the
discord between his friends.
Remus knew he should not feel guilty. What had happened was entirely Sirius's
fault. But he hated seeing James and Sirius at odds with one another because of
him, and the last thing he wanted was to make Sirius choose between James and
himself. Remus's self-doubt whispered to him that he could not win such a
competition, and even if he could, the thought of James and Sirius's fraternal
bond crumbling kept Remus awake at night, anxiety twisting in his belly.
He would have to tell them, and take the consequences. There was no other way.
Remus felt sick. He was no fool; he knew how normal boys often treated people
who were different. Even Sirius had not wanted to tell the others about being
queer. Everything had been so good between the four of them until now, but his
secret was tearing them apart. Telling the truth might salvage at least part of
their friendship. Or not. If it did not, Remus decided that he would go home to
his parents. Perhaps taking himself out of the equation would make it easier
for the others to reconcile. If Remus made the decision to walk away for
himself, then maybe it would not feel quite so much like rejection.
The thought of losing the best friends he had ever known brought a fierce,
empty ache to Remus's chest. I'll still have Sirius, he told himself. Probably.
Could he count on Sirius's friendship, though, if the others turned against
him? There was no way to be sure.
Sirius noticed him picking at his food the next morning and dragged him outside
after breakfast for a walk around the lake.
"What's wrong with you, mate? You look bloody awful."
"I couldn't sleep last night," Remus confessed. "I -- I'm going to tell them.
James and Pete."
Sirius stopped in his tracks. "What? Why?"
"Because I can't stand it anymore," said Remus dully. "Everyone's annoyed and
nobody's talking to anyone else. If we can't fix it -- "
"No," said Sirius. "You shouldn't have to. It wasn't your fault. I'll tell
James I'm sorry."
Remus gave him a doubtful look. "You think that'll work? No explanation
needed?"
"Maybe." Sirius shrugged.
"I don't think so," said Remus. "Telling the truth might do it, though. If they
don't like it, I'll go."
Sirius looked confused. "Go where?"
"Home. Then you can patch things up with them. You'll all be friends again,
once I'm out of the way."
Sirius gaped at him. "You'd leave? Just like that? I thought we were friends."
"We are." Remus swallowed the lump of helplessness in his throat. "But if you
can only be friends with them or with me, you should pick them. It will be
easier for you."
"Will it be easier for you?" asked Sirius angrily.
"It doesn't matter."
Sirius turned away and glared out over the lake, hands in his pockets, refusing
to say another word. Finally, Remus gave up and went back into the castle,
feeling utterly wretched.
There was no time to tell anyone anything that morning, and again at lunch,
Remus found himself too nervous to eat. If he did not get it over with soon, he
wondered whether he would starve to death first, or lose his mind from lack of
sleep.
They had a free hour after lunch. Remus trudged up to Gryffindor tower behind
his friends, a knot in his belly. When they reached their dormitory, Peter hid
behind a comic book, and James took out his Charms text. None of them had said
a word to the others since Remus's talk with Sirius beside the lake that
morning.
Now or never, thought Remus, heart pounding. He crossed the room to stand over
James's bed. "Er -- "
James glanced up, black hair awry, a frown on his dark face. "What?"
"I -- "
Sirius sat up. "James, mate, I'm sorry," he said, shooting Remus a quelling
look. "About your nose. I overreacted."
Peter peeked nervously over the top of his comic as James looked back and forth
between Sirius and Remus, frown deepening.
"Sorry until the next time you 'overreact', you mean?" he turned his eyes
pointedly back to his textbook. "You're a nutter, Black. Don't talk to me."
"He only did it because of me," Remus said quietly. He looked down at his
hands, twisted together, feeling the weight of three intense gazes on him.
"Remus, don't," Sirius pleaded. "It was my fault."
"It doesn't matter," Remus said for the second time that day. And then he told
them all of it.
As soon as he began to speak, Sirius was beside him, a hand gripping his
shoulder, lending Remus the courage and support he needed to say the words.
When he finished, silence settled over the room. Daring to glance up, Remus saw
the shock on this roommates' faces, questions forming behind their eyes.
"Don't you look at him like that," warned Sirius, before either of their
friends could speak. "If you give him any trouble, I swear I'll break more than
just your nose next time."
"D'you believe him, then?" demanded James.
"Why would anyone lie about a thing like that?" Sirius snapped.
"You two could be having a laugh."
"I'll have a laugh at your face, Potter," growled Sirius, "after I -- "
"It's not a joke," said Remus quietly. "Please don't tell anyone."
Shrugging off Sirius's grip, he went back to his bed, pulling the curtains shut
around him. He lay staring up at the canopy, listening to the low, muffled
voices of his roommates, and trying unsuccessfully to make his belly muscles
unclench. When the time came for their afternoon lesson, Remus did not move,
and the others did not look in on him. He closed his eyes and let out a breath
as the door clicked shut behind them. He fell asleep wondering whether they
would still be his friends when they came back.
===============================================================================
It was dark when he woke. There was a rustling sound, and his bed curtains
parted. Instinctively, Remus snatched the wand from his nightstand.
"Lumos."
"It's only me," whispered Sirius, sitting down on the bed.
Remus lowered his wand. "What d'you want?"
"You missed supper. I thought you might be hungry." He unfolded a napkin to
reveal a bread roll, a slightly squashed meat pie, and a chocolate pastry.
Remus sat up, but did not reach for the food. "How are the others?"
Sirius hesitated. "James -- he's not quite OK with things. Yet," he admitted.
"But I think he will be. I don't think he'll tell anyone, at least, and I told
him I would thump him if he asked you any stupid questions or tried to make you
-- prove anything."
"Thanks," Remus whispered. "You didn't have to do that."
Sirius frowned. "Of course I did. We're friends, aren't we?"
"Yeah, we are," said Remus. "What about Pete?"
"Turns out he's got an uncle who --" Sirius paused, groping for the right
words. "They thought he was a girl when he was born. You know the one he named
his Puffskein after? So I think he'll be all right."
"Oh," said Remus, surprised. "I didn't know."
"Yeah." Sirius grinned. "So maybe you're not as weird as you thought.
Disappointed?"
Some of the tension that had been bottled up inside Remus melted away, and he
realised how hungry he was. He smiled, reaching for the food.
"Thanks, Sirius."
===============================================================================
James was neither as understanding nor as immediately accepting of the truth as
Sirius had been. Third year ended and fourth year began before he finally
seemed to accept Remus. Even after that, there were occasional awkward moments,
but he kept Remus's secret, and for that, Remus was grateful.
"We could help you find a spell to change you back," Peter offered. "I could
ask Uncle Constantine."
"Thanks, but I don't think there is one," said Remus.
James frowned. "If there was one to change you in the first place, it stands to
reason there must be a way to change you back."
Remus shook his head. "My parents have been looking for years, and Madam
Pomfrey and Dumbledore, too, since I started school. If they haven't found an
answer by now, either there isn't one, or it's some Dark spell that would need
Dark magic to reverse it. Maybe even Blood magic."
His friends shivered. They had learned a little about Blood magic in Defence
Against the Dark Arts. Remus pushed away the thought of a small, unmarked grave
and a set of Muggle parents who would never know what had happened to their
child. Living with what had been done to him was hard enough without the guilt
of imagining how it might have been accomplished.
"Dumbledore says there are Muggle medical treatments," he offered, hoping to
distract them.
Sirius looked sceptical. "If magic can't help, then what can Muggles do?"
Remus shrugged. "That's what my parents think, too. Mum doesn't trust Muggle
doctors at all. But -- I don't know. Maybe I could talk to one, once I'm of
age."
In the meantime, Remus continued his monthly Potions therapy with Madam
Pomfrey. She was constantly adjusting the dosage to find the right balance as
he grew older, but the potions always made him ill, and although they kept his
breasts small and his hips relatively narrow, they could not halt the changes
in his body altogether. While his friends began to shave, his cheeks remained
smooth, his face rounded and androgynous, and he continued to ache and bleed
every month. On one visit, Madam Pomfrey took him into her office for a
mortifying discussion on the subject of birth control, which was not something
Remus had ever thought about. She gave him the recipe for a contraceptive
potion, "just in case", which he hid in the bottom of his trunk, hoping that
his friends would never find it.
His friendships, too, became strained as the four of them grew older. It was no
one's fault, exactly, but his friends were boys -- boys with naturally
masculine bodies and the confidence which came from having their perception of
themselves match what they saw in the mirror. Peter had some early anxiety
regarding his height and weight, but that mostly vanished after he started
dating a pretty Slytherin girl. Neither James nor Sirius had the slightest
self-consciousness about their bodies, and sometimes they came out of the
showers and lounged around the dormitory in their pants, or in nothing at all.
Remus envied them. He tried not to look, for fear of giving the wrong
impression, but he could not help admiring especially Sirius's masculine grace
and comfort with his body. He never considered that his feelings about his
friend might stem from anything other than his uncomfortable relationship with
his own body, until one day in fifth year when he rounded a corner to see
Sirius kissing Dorian Gaveston.
Remus froze. Of course Sirius had told him he was queer, but that had been
years ago, and he had never mentioned it since, nor mentioned fancying anyone
in particular. Remus had half forgotten about it. Quietly, he backed away
around the corner, out of sight of the oblivious pair, mind reeling.
For a moment, Remus did not understand why he felt like crying. Then
realisation hit him like a punch in the gut. The longing he felt when he looked
at his friend had nothing to do with envy. His desire to know what it would
feel like to touch Sirius's body was the same desire that caused James to
obsess over Lily Evans and Peter to agonise about Madeleine Yaxley. It was the
same desire that made Sirius want to snog handsome boys in deserted corridors.
Remus shook his head, denying everything, and ran.
He made himself stop looking at Sirius after that. Anytime the other boy was
not speaking directly to him, Remus did his best to keep his eyes averted, and
he tried not to looked anywhere except at his friend's face. But now that he
knew what his feelings meant, he could not seem to help himself. Several times
a day, he caught himself staring, remembering what Sirius had looked like in
Gaveston's arms, imagining how it would feel to hold him and kiss him like
that.
Underneath all of Remus's confused longing was the worry that his attraction to
a boy meant that he was really a girl after all -- that he had been lying to
everyone, including himself, and struggling against the inevitable. If Sirius
ever found out that his freakish friend fancied him, he would surely be
disgusted. He might never speak to Remus again. The best Remus could hope for
was Sirius's pity, and he did not want that, either.
His feelings would not stay hidden, however. His friends seemed oblivious, but
it was not long before Severus Snape noticed the way Remus looked at Sirius.
The Slytherin boy was no fool, and he was overjoyed to have something so
scandalous to hold over one of his least-favourite classmates.
"Looks like someone has a little crush," Snape leered, cornering Remus between
the stacks in the library.
"Oh?" said Remus, pretending disinterest as he stared resolutely at the spines
of the books, but his flushed cheeks betrayed him.
"Better give it up," Snape leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "People like
Black can have anyone they want. Even if he were bent, he'd never look twice at
the likes of you."
Remus clenched his teeth and did not reply. Snape chuckled and walked away,
robes billowing. When he had gone, Remus closed his eyes and leaned his
forehead against the well-worn wood of the shelf, feeling desolate.
Snape was more right than he knew. His words echoed exactly the small voice of
self-doubt in the back of Remus's own mind. Maybe if Remus had been like other
boys, he might have found the courage to confess his feelings to his friend,
but Sirius would never want someone like him. No one would. Someday, his
friends would find people who would love them and make them happy, but in his
heart, Remus knew that he would always be alone and unwanted.
***** Chapter 3 *****
That was not the last time Snape tormented Remus with his secret knowledge.
Every few days, he found a moment for a cutting word, or a whispered threat to
spread Remus's secret heartache all over the school. Someday he would do it,
Remus was certain, and the anxiety he had felt before telling his friends the
truth returned to gnaw at his guts anew. This time, however, there was nothing
he could do about it. No one he could tell.
If he had any hopes that Snape might grow bored with torturing him, or forget
what he knew over the summer holidays, they vanished as soon as Remus returned
to Hogwarts for his sixth year.
Each day, Remus awoke wondering whether this would be the day that Snape
finally decided to out him. Anxiety was a constant ache in his belly. He barely
ate or slept. His marks suffered. His robes hung on him like a broom handle.
His friends and Madam Pomfrey were worried, but Remus brushed off their
concerns, saying it was just the potions affecting him.
Meanwhile, Snape's poisonous whisperings went on and on, day in and day out,
grinding Remus down and fraying his nerves.
"What do you want?" Remus demanded one day under the noise of students moving
between lessons.
Snape gave him a nasty grin. "Nothing. I have what I want. Unlike some people I
could mention."
Remus turned away, teeth clenched, but the taunting voice followed him.
"You think they'll still let you room with them once they find out, shirt-
lifter? Or maybe they will. Maybe they'll put that girly mouth of yours to the
only use it's good for."
Something snapped inside Remus. With a yell, he whirled, fist connecting with
the side of the surprised Slytherin's head. Snape went down with Remus on top
of him. When he moved to draw his wand, Remus knocked it aside.
It took all three of his friends to drag him off the other boy. Snape's nose
was bloodied, and one of Remus's eyes was beginning to bruise and swell shut.
Professor Slughorn, summoned by the commotion, gave them both a stern lecture
against brawling like Muggles in the corridors, and assigned Remus a week's
detention. That did not matter, though. All that mattered was the nasty grin
Snape flashed him, and his parting words.
"You're finished now, Lupin."
"What was all that about?" asked Peter.
"Dunno," Remus lied, not meeting his eyes.
"Are you OK?" Sirius raised a hand to touch the tender bruise around Remus's
eye, his own eyes filled with concern. Remus flinched away.
"I'm not feeling very well," he said hastily. "I'll see you lads after class."
Without a backwards glance, he hurried off in the direction of Gryffindor
tower. His friends did not follow, much to his relief and disappointment. It
might have been sweet to spend one more afternoon together, just the four of
them, before Snape ruined everything, but he knew his friends would keep asking
why he had hit the Slytherin, and he had no satisfactory answer.
Remus lay on his bed, thinking as fast as his exhausted brain would allow.
Perhaps there was some way to stop Snape from telling the others what he knew.
Remus could make a bargain with him. But Remus had nothing Snape wanted. He
imagined the Slytherin's eyes shining with cruel delight, and his friends'
expressions of confusion, disbelief, shock, horror. Snape would want the
satisfaction of telling them the news himself. Remus knew that much.
He turned over, clutching his pillow in a hard hug and willing his tightly-
clenched belly muscles to relax.
It would only postpone the inevitable, but if he could keep his friends away
from Snape, his secret would remain safe for a little while. And maybe -- maybe
there was a small chance he could find the courage to tell Sirius the truth in
the meantime. Or else he could sneak out of the castle by night and run away
home. It was the coward's option, but between that and becoming a target of
hatred and disgust for all of Hogwarts, it also sounded like a relief.
The others returned from class full of concern and curiosity.
"That eye looks bad," said Sirius, sitting down on Remus's bed. His hand moved
as if to touch Remus's face again, but then he thought better of it and drew
back. "D'you want us to go see if Pomfrey's got something for it?"
"No, it's fine."
"I have some of that Bruise Balm for Quidditch," volunteered James.
Remus accepted the offer, gingerly dabbing the yellow cream around his swollen
eye.
"What did Snape say to you?" asked Peter, perched on Remus's trunk.
Remus shook his head. "Nothing worse than usual. I just -- had a bad day."
Sirius snorted in disbelief. "I've never seen you go after someone like that,
Lupin. Are you going to tell us what happened, or do I have to go and beat it
out of Snivellus myself?"
"No!" Remus said too quickly. "No, just -- leave him be, all right? I
overreacted. He -- he said I looked girly."
"Oh."
An uncomfortable silence descended upon the dormitory. Remus's cheeks burned.
He hated admitting even that much, but the others knew it was a sensitive
subject for him. Maybe now they would drop it.
That hope lasted less than a minute.
"That tosser needs to be taught a lesson," Sirius declared, getting to his
feet. "Who's with me?"
"I'm in," said James immediately as Peter perked up. Hexing Snape was among
their favourite hobbies.
"Don't," Remus pleaded.
Sirius shot him a grin which, under normal circumstances, would have made
Remus's heart flutter. "You don't have to do everything for yourself, you know,
mate. That's what friends are for."
"I'll just ignore him next time," said Remus desperately. "Let's -- let's play
Exploding Snap or something."
"I'd rather play Exploding Snape," quipped James, and the others laughed.
They were halfway out the door when Remus jumped up to follow. He had to stop
them -- had to talk them out of it somehow. If they actually found Snape, he
was done for. But once James and Sirius had set their minds to something, it
was almost impossible to change them, so Remus followed, sweaty palms clenched,
heart hammering.
"He'll be in the Potions classroom," said James. "I heard he's been tutoring
people to make some extra dosh."
Sirius nodded. "We'll wait and catch him on his way up to supper."
"And do what?" demanded Remus. He had to force the words out around the
tightness in his chest.
"Nothing permanent," Sirius assured him. "Curl his hair. Hex him cross-eyed.
Knot his shoelaces together. Something like that. Whatever it takes to make him
leave you alone next time."
Alone. Remus would be that. If Snape opened his mouth --
"The Laryngitis curse!" said Remus desperately. "Or -- or the Mouth-Sealing
hex. Something to shut him up for a while."
"Good idea," laughed James.
Peter nodded, face flushed with excitement. "That would teach him to shoot his
mouth off for sure!"
They quieted as they approached the Potions classroom, ducking into a shadowy
alcove to wait. Peter stood lookout while James tiptoed to the door to make
certain of their quarry.
"Can we just forget about this?" whispered Remus over the sound of his own
pounding heart.
He expected Sirius to ignore or dismiss his request, but the other boy turned
to him, a soft look in his grey eyes. "He shouldn't talk to you like that,
Remus. It's not right."
Remus looked down. "He doesn't know."
Sirius touched his arm lightly, making Remus raise his eyes. "Even so. I don't
like him treating you -- " He broke off and shook his head, words failing.
He was standing very close, looking straight into Remus's eyes, hand still on
his arm. Remus could hardly breathe. For a moment, he forgot why they were
there -- forgot everything except the boy in front of him. His eyes fixed on
Sirius's mouth, so close. He could almost imagine --
Then James and Peter were back, jostling into the alcove with them, and
everything else came rushing back in on Remus.
"He's there," reported James. "It sounded like they were almost finished."
The four Gryffindors waited in tense silence. Remus stole a glance at Sirius,
worrying. If they decided at the last minute not to use one of the Silencing
hexes he had suggested, or if they did not do it quickly enough, this might be
the last companionable moment he would share with his friends. Anxiety
constricted Remus's chest, making breathing difficult.
There was a sound down the corridor, and an annoyed-looking second year exited
the Potions classroom, fumbling her bag over her shoulder.
"Wait until she's gone," breathed James.
When the echo of the girl's footsteps had faded around the corner, James gave
the signal for them to move. He went first, with Sirius close behind him. Remus
trailed after, while Peter, who had been on the receiving end of many a hex
from Snape, and preferred to keep as many obstacles between himself and the
Slytherin as possible, brought up the rear. Remus held his breath as James
eased the heavy door open.
If Snape had been facing away, or if he had not already had his wand in his
hand, things might have gone differently. His black eyes snapped up, and almost
before the hex was out of James and Sirius's mouths, he shouted, "Protego!"
The hexes made a whooshing sound as they bounced off the Shield charm. James,
Sirius, and Snape eyed one another warily, wands poised, waiting to see who
would make the next move. Remus clutched his own wand, edging closer to Sirius.
Snape's shrewd eyes flicked between them. He knew from long experience that
neither Remus nor Peter was likely to hex him. The corner of his mouth twitched
in a mocking half-smile.
"I wouldn't turn my back on Lupin if I were you, Black," he sneered. "One of
these days, he won't be able to resist the temptation."
"Shut it, Snape," said Remus, trying desperately to control the panic in his
voice.
"It's you I wouldn't want to turn my back on, Snivellus," Sirius declared. "At
least I have friends who've got my back."
Snape's mocking smile grew. "I doubt it's your back Lupin's interested in."
Sirius's eyes widened as he took Snape's meaning. The others had not got there
yet, but any minute now, they would. Sirius's eyes flicked away from Snape's
wand to glance at Remus. Remus could read nothing but startlement in his
expression, but realised too late that his own anguish showed clear on his
face. He looked away quickly.
"What -- ?" said James, bewildered.
"If Remus wanted my arse," Sirius interrupted loudly, "he'd have mentioned it
by now. We've been rooming together for over five years. If he was a bender,
I'd know it."
"Would you?" Snape leered. "Maybe you're used to your friends giving you cow
eyes, Black, but from where I'm standing, it looks like he'd enjoy the view a
lot more if I -- Divestimenta!"
Blood pounded in Remus's ears. He did not even hear the hex; only saw the tip
of Snape's wand twitch. Instinctively, he threw himself sideways, shoving
Sirius out of the path of the spell. It hit Remus full in the chest, and his
clothes vanished.
There was a moment of shocked silence as four pairs of eyes fixed on his naked
body. Snape gave a startled laugh. With a yell of outrage, Sirius threw himself
at the Slytherin, and they went down grappling.
Remus stood frozen, unable to move or think. Then warm fabric settled over his
shoulders. James was beside him, draping him in his own outer robes, saying his
name, asking if he was all right. Remus clutched the borrowed garment around
himself and fled.
He did not stop running until he reached the relative safety of their dormitory
bathroom. Falling to his knees, he scrambled for the toilet, retching up the
little he had eaten that day. He clung to the porcelain bowl for long moments,
shaking with reaction.
His friends had seen the wrongness of his body. Would they ever be able to look
at him again without thinking about it? Worse yet, Sirius now knew how Remus
felt about him. Remus imagined the mixture of disgust and pity in his friend's
beautiful eyes as he informed Remus that he was just "not my type".
But worst of all, Snape knew the truth now, and he would tell everyone. There
was nothing to stop him. Remus imagined everyone at Hogwarts staring at him,
whispering behind their hands, calling him freak and making him the butt of
every joke. It was ten times worse than if they had only hated him for being
queer.
Would his friends stick by him when the whole school turned against him? Or
would they join in the mockery? James had only just barely accepted him when
doing so had cost him nothing. What would he do when his considerable
popularity was at stake? Remus knew better than to expect anything of Peter. He
was a coward. If the others did not stick by Remus, he would not, either. And
Sirius -- Remus could not bear to think about him right now.
He tried to think rationally about what he should do -- about what would happen
next -- but his mind was in chaos. Weeks of exhaustion and anxiety had eaten
away at his ability to reason. He felt like an animal caught in a trap,
panicking as the jaws closed around him. They might force him to move into the
girls' dormitory. Or Dumbledore might decide his continued presence at the
school was too much of a distraction for the other students, and send him home
in disgrace.
Whatever happened, it was over. He was finished. Snape would tell, and then
everyone would know. No one would let him be a proper wizard. The magical
community was too small and too well-connected to leave any safe place for
Remus to hide or start over. He would be shunned and cast out of Wizarding
society, unable even to maintain the pretense of a normal life.
It was all so unfair. All he wanted was to be left alone -- to be normal. Why
should it matter what he had between his legs? But it did matter. It mattered
to everyone. It even mattered to Remus himself, as much as he hated to admit
it. Once everyone knew, it would make no difference what Remus wanted, or what
illusion of masculinity he had constructed for himself. The world would never
let him forget that he did not have the necessary parts to be a "real" boy.
"I'm real," he whispered to no one.
There were only two options left to him: he could knuckle under and be the
girl-freak that the rest of the world considered him to be, hated, mocked,
disrespected, rejected, or he could make it all stop right now, for good.
The pounding of his heart slowed, and he felt a little steadier. Yes, he could
make it stop. It could be over now, today.
Shakily, Remus pulled himself to his feet and stared at the pale, bruised face
in the mirror. He would not miss it. Most likely, no one else would, either.
His parents would be disappointed that the Death Eaters would get his
grandfather's money after all, but there was no help for that now, and they
would probably be relieved to be free of his awkward and expensive problems.
The razor blades that his friends used for shaving sat beside the sink. Remus
picked one up in trembling fingers and stared at it. It was a small thing, but
it looked sharp. It would do the job. He took a deep breath and closed his
eyes. The blade was icy cold against his skin, but the blood was warm.
***** Chapter 4 *****
His head was pounding and he felt weak and woozy. He had the distinct feeling
that if he opened his eyes, the room would start spinning. The potions must
have hit him harder than usual this month.
But that was wrong. After the potions, the ache was in his belly, not his head.
That made no sense. Remus could tell from the feel of the bed under him that he
was in the hospital wing. He tried to move his hands, only to discover that
both of them were being held tightly.
"Sirius?" he whispered. His tongue felt thick and wooly. He was very thirsty.
The grip on his hands tightened.
"He's awake!"
"Remus?"
Familiar voices, but not his friends.
"Mum?" He risked opening his eyes. "Dad?"
"Remus, why -- ?"
"How could you -- ?"
They both seemed terribly upset about something, but Remus could make no sense
of their words. He closed his eyes again. Perhaps he was dreaming. He could
think of no good reason why his parents would be at Hogwarts.
"Is he awake?" Another voice, clipped and professional. Madam Pomfrey.
"I-I think so," said his mother.
"Good. Please stand aside, Mr and Mrs Lupin. Remus will feel much better once
he's had a dose of this."
His parents' hands let go reluctantly, and a strong arm around his shoulders
raised him halfway into a sitting position. Even that much movement made him
feel sick and dizzy, but Remus obediently swallowed the potion pressed to his
lips. It was warm and thick, with a metallic tang to it. His head began to
clear almost immediately as the matron eased him back onto the pillow.
"Better now?" she asked as his eyes blinked open once more.
He nodded.
"You've lost a lot of blood," she informed him. "You're very lucky that Potter
and Pettigrew found you in time, and that Potter managed to keep his head."
"Blood?" He remembered blood. A lot of it. Smeared and dripping on the white
tiles of the bathroom floor.
"You tried to kill yourself, Remus." His father's voice was strained. "Why?"
Remus glanced down in surprise and noticed the bandages on his wrists for the
first time. He remembered the razor now, but what had come before that?
"Mr Lupin had a very upsetting experience yesterday," said a no-nonsense
Scottish voice from the doorway. Professor McGonagall joined the other adults
clustered around his bed. "Please rest assured that Headmaster Dumbledore is
dealing with the matter personally. He has spoken to Mr Snape -- "
Snape. Remus shuddered as the memory came rushing back to him. The sneer. The
spell. The sudden chill. The laugh.
"I -- " he said, interrupting McGonagall's explanation of the previous day's
incident.
His mother was by his side at once. "What is it, Sweetheart? Do you need
something?"
"I want -- " he licked his lips. "I want to go home. Please?"
"Of course, Love," his mother soothed, stroking his hair. "That's why we're
here."
But he could not leave. Not immediately. Madam Pomfrey declared him unfit for
travel, and said he must remain in the hospital wing for the rest of the day,
taking regular doses of the blood-restorative draught. Professor McGonagall
arranged rooms for his parents, but one or both of them remained at his bedside
as he slept -- or pretended to -- all that day.
Once, when his mother disappeared to the toilets, Remus asked after his
friends.
Madam Pomfrey frowned. "I've told them that you need your rest. You're too weak
for rowdy visitors."
Remus nodded. He was not sure he wanted to see his friends after everything
that had happened. What must they think of him now? What must Sirius think?
When his mother returned, he pretended to sleep again, eventually falling into
an uneasy doze. At one point, he thought he heard Sirius's anxious voice
outside the infirmary door, but that might have been only a dream.
Daylight was fading from the high windows of the hospital wing by the time
Madam Pomfrey pronounced him fit enough for the journey home. Dressing himself
still proved exhausting, but at least he could stand on his own. The school
house-elves had brought a few of his things down from the dormitory so that he
did not have to make the long climb to Gryffindor tower.
Remus hoped that he could sneak away while his friends were at supper, but
Sirius was sitting on the stone bench just outside the doors to the hospital
wing when Remus and his family emerged. He looked as if he had not slept, and
he was wearing the same robes he had had on the day before.
"Remus!" he cried, leaping to his feet. "Remus, are you -- ?"
Remus kept his eyes down, and did not stop or acknowledge the other boy. His
father put an arm around his shoulders and turned him towards the great
staircase leading down to the entrance hall. Sirius did not follow.
===============================================================================
Most of his first two days at home were spent in bed, resting and regaining his
strength. At least, that was the idea. Mostly, he wallowed in his own misery.
His parents hovered over him, worried, but they did not try to talk to him
immediately about what had happened, for which Remus was grateful.
It was all such a mess. Snape. James and Peter. Sirius. And now they knew, too,
what a weakling and a coward he was.
Two owls arrived from Hogwarts on the third day. One carried a list of
assignments which his professors expected him to complete. The other was in
Sirius's carelessly elegant scrawl, and seemed to confirm all of Remus's worst
fears.
     Lupin, you utter Tosser! I cannot Believe you would try to Top
     yourself! I'd ask you what you were Thinking, but clearly you
     weren't. Not about your Friends. Not about your Family either, I
     guess. I hope you're Happy. Pete's been having Nightmares. You're
     Lucky that James knew that Tourniquet Charm from Quidditch. But did
     you even Thank him for that? No! Because you are a complete Arsehole.
     We would have done Anything for you. But I guess you didn't Care
     enough to even Talk to us. It's a Good Thing you're not here right
     now, or I'd punch you right in your stupid Face.
     - S
That was it. It was over. Sirius hated him. Remus had lost the person whose
good opinion mattered most to him in all the world. He stuffed the letter into
the drawer of the nightstand and stared up at the ceiling, feeling numb.
===============================================================================
Remus was lying on his bed reading a book when his father knocked on the door
two days later.
"There's been an owl for you," Marcellus Lupin said.
The scroll was too small to be official Hogwarts business, which probably meant
more bad news. Remus took it from his father, but waited for him to leave
before opening it.
Marcellus hesitated at the foot of his bed. "I think it's past time we talked
about some things, Remus. Will you join me and your mother in the sitting room
in a few minutes?"
Remus nodded. He had known this was coming.
His father went out, and Remus's eyes reluctantly returned to the small
parchment. Hands trembling, he unrolled it. It was from James.
     Remus,
     When are you coming back? Sirius has been in a strop ever since you
     left. He's impossible to live with. He keeps saying he wants to punch
     you, but the other night when I got up to go to the toilet, he was
     sleeping in your bed. I think he misses you. Dumbledore made
     Snivellus promise not to tell anyone, so you don't have to worry
     about that. It's weird here with just the three of us.
     See you soon, I hope.
     - James
Remus rubbed a hand over his face, feeling tired. He was not at all sure he
wanted to go back to school. James seemed friendly enough, and maybe he was
right about Sirius, but if his recent experiences had taught Remus anything, it
was that his secret would never be entirely safe, and he could be found out at
any time. That fear and anxiety had already almost killed him once. Was it even
worth trying again, letting himself get invested in a world he could be ripped
out of at any time? He had good marks on his OWLs; did he really need his
NEWTs?
Remus sighed and dropped the scroll on the nightstand, on top of the pile of
untouched schoolwork. He would think about it after he talked with his parents.
They would probably be too afraid to even let him out of the house after what
he had done, let alone send him back to Hogwarts.
He got up and dressed himself in real clothes for the first time in a week. His
shirtsleeves would not button around his bandaged wrists, and Remus removed the
gauze. The scars were a vivid pink, but they were almost healed. He stared at
them, feeling embarrassed. His parents must surely be disappointed in him, and
now they were waiting for him to explain his behaviour, which he was not sure
he could do. With a sigh, he pushed open his bedroom door.
They sat at either end of the sofa. The space between them might as well have
had Remus's name on it, so clearly was it reserved for him. The strain of the
last week showed on his parents' faces. Remus sat, staring down at his hands,
knowing he owed it to them to start.
He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I know it was stupid and I've upset you. I
wasn't thinking straight. I promise it won't happen again."
A small hiccoughing sound from his mother surprised him. As he raised his head
to look at her, his father swore and grabbed him in a fierce bear hug.
Marcellus's arms were tight around him, his mother was crying on his shoulder,
and the numbing fear that had blocked every other feeling for the past week
crumbled. Hot tears poured down Remus's cheeks as sobs shook his body.
It was long minutes before any of them were able to speak. At last his father
sat back, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, one arm still around Remus. Sylvia
Lupin sniffled and took out a handkerchief to blow her nose, one-handed, her
other hand gripping Remus's tightly, as if she would never let go.
"We never knew you were so unhappy, Sweetheart." Her voice trembled as she
spoke. "Have we handled things so badly? Was there something more we could have
done?"
"I don't know," Remus admitted. "But I haven't been unhappy. Not all the time,
anyway. I was just scared of people finding out."
"If they find out, they find out," said Marcellus. "We'll fight that dragon
when we come to it. But even if that happens, you're always safe here with me
and your mother. You know that, right?"
Remus tried to smile. "I know, Dad. But the inheritance -- "
"Forget the inheritance," said Sylvia. "It's only money. You are what's
important. If it would be easier for you not to have to hide -- "
Remus shook his head. "If word gets out, I'll never have any kind of normal
life. There aren't that many wizards in Britain; everyone would know. I'd have
to live as a Muggle or move to another country. And it wouldn't be any easier
for you, having people find out you're the parents of a freak."
"You're not a freak, Remus," said his father, squeezing his shoulder. "You're
my son, and I love you."
My son. Marcellus hardly ever said those words. Remus closed his eyes and bit
his lip, afraid he might start crying again. "And if you never find a cure?"
"Then you're still my son, and I still love you," Marcellus said steadily. "I
know I haven't always been a perfect father. It's been hard, watching you
struggle."
"We didn't know what to do, after it happened," Sylvia admitted, voice soft.
"You were so young, you probably can't even remember. We were in shock,
thinking we had lost our little boy, but we did our best to care for the little
girl we thought we had been given. We bought you new clothes. New toys. We even
tried changing your name."
Remus stared at her. This was news to him.
His father gave him an apologetic half-smile. "But you were having none of it.
You just carried on as always, playing with the same toys, demanding your old
clothes, and refusing to answer to anything but 'Remus'. It didn't take long
for us to see that you hadn't changed at all, and that you were happiest being
who you had always been. Your happiness was the only thing we ever wanted,
Son."
"If keeping things quiet and carrying on as we have been is what you want,"
said his mother, squeezing his hand, "then that's what we'll do. But if there's
anything you want to change, all you have to do is tell us."
Remus had never been so grateful to have the parents he had, but he was still a
little afraid to ask for what he really wanted. "There's one thing -- "
"Name it," said his father. "If it's possible, we'll move heaven and earth to
see that it happens."
"Would you -- stop looking for a cure?" he asked. "I don't think there is one,
and you shouldn't be wasting your money."
His mother looked shocked. She was the sort of witch who believed that nothing
was impossible, with magic.
"Instead," Remus pressed on, "could you maybe look into the Muggle treatments
Dumbledore mentioned? If they have something that might help, I'd like to at
least find out about it. I don't think it could be any worse than the potions
I'm taking now."
"Muggle medicine?" His mother frowned. "I'm not sure that's wise, Remus."
Remus did not like to push his parents after they had been so wonderfully
understanding, but he knew this might be his best chance. "You said you'd do
anything," he reminded them quietly.
"We did," his father agreed. "If that's what you want, we'll look into it. Will
you continue with your potions for now, once you're back at school?"
Remus hesitated. "I wasn't sure you'd want me to go back."
"Not go back to school?" cried his mother, shocked. "But what about your
NEWTs?"
"I have my OWLs," he pointed out.
His father frowned. "Don't you want to go back to school, Remus?"
Remus shrugged, not meeting his parents' eyes.
"You know Dumbledore won't let those boys tell anyone," Sylvia reminded him
gently.
"It's not just that," Remus whispered.
"Are you worried about your friends?" asked Marcellus. "You've had two owls
from them since you've been home. They must be worried about you."
Remus hung his head miserably, trying not to think about the letter Sirius had
written him. "It's embarrassing," he admitted. "They all saw me, and then I
tried to top myself. What must they think of me now?"
"There's only one way to find out," said his mother. "If things are really as
bad as all that, we can talk about other options over the holidays. But I
think, and I'm sure your father agrees with me, that you should at least give
it a try."
Marcellus nodded. "It's not good for you to be alone, Remus. A boy of your age
should have friends around him."
"All right," sighed Remus. "I'll try."
"That's the spirit." His father smiled. "I expect this means you have some
schoolwork to do before supper."
***** Chapter 5 *****
Remus's parents accompanied him back to Hogsmeade via the Floo network the
following Sunday, and saw him as far as the gates to the school grounds. He
assured them that he could manage the rest of the way alone. They hugged each
other for a long time, and everyone was a little sniffly, though that might
only have been the misty autumn weather.
"You promise you'll write to us, or go to Professor McGonagall if things are
difficult, instead of doing anything rash?" demanded his mother, desperately
searching his face.
"I promise, Mum." He kissed her cheek, then hugged her and his father one more
time. "You're the best."
His father kissed the top of his head, then shooed him through the castle
gates.
"Don't just write when you're desperate, Son," Marcellus called after him. "We
want to hear from you every week."
Remus waved, then turned towards the castle and the friends he might or might
not still have.
===============================================================================
It took all of Remus's courage to push open the door to the boys' dormitory and
step inside.
"You're back!" Peter bounced up from his bed, looking relieved.
James flashed him an awkward version of his usual grin. "Hey, Remus."
Sirius glanced up from his Potions text, then quickly down again, the corners
of his mouth tightening.
"Hi." Remus could think of nothing else to say, and no one else seemed prepared
to make small talk.
He busied himself with putting away his things, and getting out his schoolwork
to hand in the next day, before ducking into the bathroom for no better reason
than wanting a little space from the silence of his roommates.
That was a mistake. As soon as he saw the tiled floor, he remembered the blood
dripping from his knuckles, and felt again the terror that had driven him to
it. Remus felt dizzy, and leaned against the counter, eyes closed.
It's all right, he told himself fiercely. You're fine, Lupin. You're safe here.
The dormitory bathroom was one of the safest places in the school for him. It
would be more than inconvenient if he was unable to use it.
After a few deep breaths, the feeling subsided. He had been in this room
thousands of times before. It was only the one time that was a problem. The
more distance he put between himself and the incident, the easier it would get.
Remus opened his eyes. This time, the tiles stayed white.
"You OK, mate?" James asked, peering at him curiously when he reentered the
dormitory, dark face betraying just a hint of worry.
"I'm fine," said Remus. He darted a glance towards Sirius, who kept his head
down, looking unusually studious.
Remus went to his own bed and took out one of his textbooks, not much caring
which, to give himself the appearance of having something to do to fill the
time until supper.
===============================================================================
James was the soul of solicitude in the days that followed, checking in with
Remus several times a day to make sure he was all right. Peter, who hated
confrontation or unpleasantness of any kind, seemed content to pretend like
nothing had happened. Sirius continued to give Remus the cold shoulder. When he
spoke to the others, he was sarcastic and bad-tempered. Arriving back at the
dormitory one afternoon, Remus heard raised voices, but when he opened the
door, the shouting broke off. James and Sirius spent the rest of the day
scowling silently at one another. Remus hoped they would patch things up soon.
The two of them were normally closer than brothers, and Remus hated the thought
of them falling out over him.
Even though Sirius was not speaking to him, Remus noticed that the other boy
was never far away. Wherever Remus went, he followed, like a grumpy guard dog.
If Remus was in the common room, so was Sirius. When Remus went to the weekly
Prefects' meeting, Sirius just happened to be passing by as it ended. Even when
Remus went to study in the library, Sirius would appear within minutes,
slouching over a book at another table; an activity almost unknown to him in
the past. Whenever someone came through the library door, Sirius glanced up
sharply to determine their identity, then went back to glowering at his book.
It saddened Remus that he had lost Sirius's friendship, and bothered him that
the other boy clearly felt obligated to continue protecting him. He did not
begrudge Sirius his discomfort. Few people would be flattered to learn someone
like Remus fancied them, he was sure. If Sirius viewed it as a gross breach of
their bond, there was nothing Remus could do about it. He was not about to
force his wayward feelings on someone who was so clearly not interested. Maybe
one day Sirius would forgive him, but until then, Remus would have to make do
with James and Peter's friendship.
Severus Snape also kept a close watch on Remus. Dumbledore's orders might
prevent him from spreading Remus's secret around the school, but they did not
stop him from needling Remus every chance he got. Hardly a day went by that
Remus did not hear the words "ugly bint", "freak", "slut", or "whore" hissed at
him in the corridors, or under the hubbub of the Great Hall.
"I can't imagine why those roommates of yours haven't turfed you out yet,"
Snape murmured one day when he caught Remus on his way to Arithmancy. "Unless
you've been letting them take turns on your ugly cunt. Not that I can imagine
anyone wanting to. A person would have to be blind or desperate to fuck a freak
like you without losing their lunch."
Remus walked faster, trying not to listen, repeating Arithmancy formulas over
and over under his breath.
"I hope you know how to brew a decent birth control potion, Lupin," Snape
continued. "You'd be even more disgusting with a big belly. Are you over Black
yet? Or do you pretend it's true love when he takes his turn?"
"What was that, Snivellus?"
Remus and Snape's heads both whipped around to see Sirius lounging against the
wall between them and the Arithmancy classroom.
Snape's mouth twisted into a sneer. "I wasn't hurting your girlfriend, Black.
There's no law against me talking to her."
"There is now." Sirius pushed away from the wall, wand clenched in his fist. "I
don't ever want to hear about you speaking to Remus again. I'm fairly certain
Dumbledore told you not to bother him."
"Just because I have to keep quiet about Lupin's deep, dark, disgusting secret
doesn't mean I can't have a little fun." Snape's fingers twitched towards his
wand pocket.
Remus's heart pounded. He felt sick and dizzy. It was the Potions classroom all
over again, and he was about to be stripped and humiliated for a second time.
"Don't --" he pleaded through numb lips, a hand on Sirius's wrist, eyes rising
to meet the stormy grey glare.
Sirius hesitated. "Remus --"
Snape snorted. "You lovebirds can go find yourselves a handy broom cupboard.
You're not worth being late to class over." He disappeared down the corridor.
Remus's hand dropped away from Sirius's wrist. He was trembling, feeling as
though he might faint. "I -- I'm just -- toilets -- see you in class." He
turned and hurried in the opposite direction from the one Snape had taken.
Footsteps sounded behind him, and Remus broke into a run. He was winded by the
time he ducked into the boys' lavatory and slammed the cubicle door shut behind
him. Sliding to the floor with his back against the door, Remus pressed his
hands over his face, still shaking. Snape's words echoed in his head, and he
was not prepared to deal with them and Sirius at the same time.
The hinges of the lavatory door squeaked as someone entered the room.
"Remus?" Sirius called. "Are you in here?"
Remus tried to stay silent, hoping the other boy would leave, but the closed
cubicle door gave him away.
There was a knock. "Remus?"
"Go away, Sirius," he said, hating how high and shaky his voice sounded. "I
don't need you hovering over me like a -- a mother badger or whatever it is you
think you're doing."
"Bollocks you don't," said the grumpy voice on the other side of the door.
"Last time you ran off on your own like that, you almost died. Are you going to
come out here so I can see whether you're all right, or do I have to blast this
door open?"
Remus closed his eyes for a moment, then got reluctantly to his feet and
unlatched the door. "See?" he said, holding out his wrists. "All in one piece.
Now will you go? You're late for class."
Sirius's eyes were fixed on the still-pink scars. "So are you."
"I'm not late," said Remus, going to the sink to splash cold water on his face.
"I'm not going."
"Then neither am I."
Remus sighed, leaning back against the sink. Sirius was not going to let this
go, and maybe he was right to want to have things out once and for all. Remus
just wished he had not picked now of all times to talk about everything.
"Look, I'm sorry," he said, feeling about a hundred years old. "I really am. I
didn't mean to cause a big disruption in your life. I should've said something,
before. But it's really not a big deal. I'll get over it. I just -- can't we be
friends again? Pretend I never --"
Sirius was staring at him, open-mouthed. "Not a big deal?" he said, quiet
disbelief rising slowly to a crescendo of outrage. "Not a big deal? You tried
to fucking kill yourself. You almost died. You could've talked to us -- asked
us for help. I am your friend, damn you. I want to fucking well help you if you
need it. Is Snape the problem? Because I'll kill him for you. I will. I'll go
to Azkaban for it if I have to, but if it would make your life easier, I'd do
it in a heartbeat. It's just -- it's a very fucking big deal to me, Remus. All
right?" Tears stood out on Sirius's cheeks. He did not seem to have noticed.
Remus lowered his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I didn't mean it like
that. I know it was stupid, what I did. It won't happen again."
Sirius seemed to deflate. He moved to sit beside Remus on the marble sink. "No,
I'm sorry," he said, more quietly. "I didn't mean to yell. It's just -- I was
scared. I can't protect you from you."
"It's not your job to protect me."
"Isn't it?" Sirius asked. "Isn't that what friends do?"
Remus looked down at his feet and said nothing.
"I was in Dumbledore's office," Sirius whispered. "With Snape. Dumbledore made
him promise not to tell. Then this silver bird flew through the window, and
Pomfrey's voice came out of it, sounding really upset, asking Dumbledore to
come to the hospital wing. He sent us off, and I went back to the room and
there was blood everywhere --" he broke off, eyes closed, shoulders hunched.
Remus pressed his lips together and rubbed self-consciously at the scars on his
wrists, resisting the urge to apologise again.
"James and Pete weren't there," Sirius continued. "I didn't know what had
happened. I ran down to the hospital wing, and they were there, outside the
door, and I thought -- Merlin, from the looks on their faces, I thought for
sure you were dead." He took a deep, shaky breath. "I waited. All night and all
the next day. I wanted to see you. I just wanted to know --" He looked up, red-
rimmed eyes anguished. "Why, Remus?"
Remus studied his friend's face. He had never seen Sirius look so lost and
unsure of himself before. It gave him a strange feeling that Sirius should care
so much about him, or be so distressed by his actions. Remus felt that, at the
very least, he owed his friend some kind of explanation.
"Everything was complicated," Remus told him. "Snape knew. I was sure he'd tell
everyone. And you all saw --" he shook his head. "I thought everyone would hate
me. That I'd have to leave school. That I wouldn't be able to live in the
Wizarding world at all, because no one would let me be myself, once they knew.
And if I can't be me, then what else is there? I couldn't stand the thought of
everyone thinking I was a freak or a -- a thing all the time. If I couldn't be
a boy or a wizard, I guess I just didn't see much point in carrying on."
"Did you think you couldn't talk to us about it?" Sirius asked. "That we
wouldn't want to help? Did you have to run away from us, too?"
Remus looked away. That part was complicated, too, and not in a way he felt
able to discuss with Sirius.
"Was it because of me?" Sirius's voice was gentle, hesitant now. "I thought
maybe Snape was just being a prick like usual, but -- he wasn't, was he? Were
you afraid of what I would think?"
Remus hunched his shoulders, curling in on himself, and did not meet Sirius's
eyes. Any minute now, he was going to start shaking again. "It's really not a
big deal," he lied.
Sirius let out his breath in a soft sigh. "So it's true."
Remus stared down at his clenched hands. "I'll get over it. You don't have to
tell me you just want to be friends. It's fine. I know you'd never go for
someone like me."
"Is that what Snape's been telling you?" The edge of anger was back in Sirius's
voice.
"It doesn't matter. I already know --"
"Remus --"
The sharp sound of his name made him look up, fearful. Sirius's eyes were fixed
on his face with a belligerent intensity.
"Snape is a fucking tosser who doesn't have the first fucking clue what he's
talking about," said Sirius. His voice was low and fierce, but the hand on the
back of Remus's neck was gentle. Slowly, deliberately, he leaned in to press
his mouth to Remus's numb, disbelieving lips.
"W-what are you doing?" gasped Remus, jerking back.
"I'm kissing you."
"Why?"
"Because I want to. Don't you want me to?"
Remus gave a slight, jerky nod. "But -- I thought you only fancied boys?"
"That's right," said Sirius, and kissed him again.
This time, Remus let it happen.
***** Chapter 6 *****
Every time Remus looked up over the next few days, his eyes went straight to
Sirius. Sirius would grin and sometimes wink, and Remus would blush and look
away. But apart from the few tentative kisses they had shared in the boys'
lavatory during Arithmancy, and another that tasted of toothpaste before bed
later that night, Sirius did not try to kiss Remus again.
Time was one factor. It was difficult to find a moment when James and Peter
were not nearby. However, as the days passed, Remus began to worry that he
himself was the problem. Whenever Sirius got too close, Remus would turn into a
blushing, stammering mess. It was embarrassing.
His own oversized self-doubt whispered that Sirius was probably having second
thoughts. Involvement with someone like Remus was rife with complications, and
Sirius had a habit of jumping into situations feet-first, without thinking. Or
maybe, said the insidious voice in the back of Remus's mind, Sirius did not
really fancy him at all, and the kisses had been only a misguided attempt on
Sirius's part to give Remus what he wanted, to keep him from leaving school or
harming himself again. When such thoughts overwhelmed him, Remus had to go away
and be by himself for a while.
His doubts grew as his monthly Potions treatment approached. When he caught
Sirius's eye in Transfiguration on the morning of his appointment, Sirius was
frowning, puzzled, as if he was trying to work something out. He fucked up and
he knows it, Remus thought glumly. Now he's just looking for a way to tell me.
He could not bear the thought of Sirius's apologies. Not today.
After class, Remus muttered his excuses and slunk away from his roommates. He
hurried to the hospital wing, feeling something like relief. At least there he
did not have to deal with solicitous friends, only with his own body. That
much, he could manage.
He changed into his pyjamas and sat on the infirmary bed while Madam Pomfrey
measured out the correct dosage of each of the five potions. Usually, Remus
dreaded this, but today he had too much on his mind. Sirius's puzzled, frowning
face swam to the surface of his thoughts as Remus tilted his head back and
swallowed the first sour potion. He wouldn't look at me that way if I were a
real boy, he thought bitterly. He wondered if the potions were even worth it.
Remus could take them his whole life and they would never transform him into
what Sirius wanted.
Afterwards, he lay on the bed, curled in a tight ball, his misery divided
between the fist squeezing and tearing at his guts and the bittersweet memory
of Sirius's lips on his for a brief moment that would probably never happen
again. He turned his face and let the tears soak into the stiff, starchy
pillowcase.
===============================================================================
It was dark when he woke. Madam Pomfrey stood beside the bed, her face a pale
glow in the wandlight.
"How are you feeling, Mr Lupin?" she asked, not unkindly.
"Mmmph." The worst of the pain had receded, but a dull ache still throbbed in
his lower belly, and the area between his legs was unpleasantly squashy.
"If you want to go to your own bed, the school is at supper now."
Remus sat up, knuckling the crusty feeling out of his eyes. "Thank you, Ma'am."
She hesitated. "Mr Black came by earlier. I told him you were resting."
Sickness squirmed in Remus's guts. Could Sirius not have waited until Remus was
feeling more himself before telling him that it had all been a mistake? Perhaps
he should stay in the infirmary tonight after all. That would only postpone the
inevitable, however, and Remus was too much of a Gryffindor to fall into that
trap. Better to just get it over with.
Remus cleaned himself up in the hospital wing toilets, succumbing to a brief
bout of nausea that left him weak and shaky, with the sour taste of the potions
back in his mouth. He rinsed and spat, then pulled on his robes over his
pyjamas, avoiding the eyes of the pale, sickly face in the mirror. He had no
wish to remind himself how unappealing he looked right now, with dark smudges
of exhaustion hollowing his eyes, and his hair sticking up in all directions
from fitful sleep. The Hogwarts ghosts looked healthier than Remus did on
Potions days.
Sirius was waiting on the bench outside the hospital wing. Remus was only half
surprised. His friend jumped up when he saw him. Remus looked away.
"You should go to supper."
"I'm OK," said Sirius. "Are you?"
"Yeah, fine." Remus began walking in the direction of Gryffindor tower.
"You look like death," said Sirius, following him.
"Thanks. I'm tired, Sirius. What d'you want?"
"I just wanted to see you."
Remus stopped and turned to face his friend. "If you're going to tell me it was
all a mistake, just get it over with, all right?"
"A mistake?" Sirius looked startled. "You think I didn't --?"
Remus shrugged. "It's been a week. If you'd wanted to kiss me again, you would
have done it by now."
Sirius scowled, then grabbed his hand, dragging him into an empty classroom.
"You want to know why I haven't kissed you?" he demanded. "Because every time I
come near you, you freak out. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, so I
backed off. I figured you needed some time to get used to things. Remus -- I've
been waiting for you to kiss me."
Remus blinked at him. "You want me to kiss you?"
"Yes. Are you going to?"
"What, now?"
"If you like."
"While I look 'like death'?"
Sirius grinned sheepishly. "I don't mind. I want to kiss you all the time. Even
now. Especially now, because you look tired and sad and confused, and maybe if
I kiss you, it will help a bit. Maybe you'll realise that you're worth kissing,
even when you're not at your best." He blushed, but his eyes did not leave
Remus's face.
Remus stared at him, stunned, as Sirius held out his hands. Tentatively, Remus
took them, stepping towards him. Another step, and he was close enough to
notice the quick, nervous rise and fall of Sirius's chest.
"Please?" whispered Sirius, squeezing his hands.
Hesitantly, Remus tilted his face up, and his lips brushed the other boy's.
Sirius sighed, eyes closed, but he did not move. Remus did it again, pressing
their mouths together more firmly this time. The tip of his tongue flicked out
to taste the curve of Sirius's full lower lip, and then Sirius's mouth was
moving against his, lips parting, sending delicious, terrified thrills down
Remus's spine. For one moment, he forgot the discomfort of his body, lost in
the warm welcome of Sirius's mouth.
"Better?" asked Sirius a moment later, as they stood, arms around one another,
foreheads pressed together.
"Much," sighed Remus. "You're sure you want to do this?"
"Yes," Sirius said firmly, kissing his nose. "Do you need me to make it
official?"
"Official?" Remus asked, confused.
Sirius grinned. "Remus Lupin, will you be my boyfriend?"
Remus could not keep a surprised giggle from escaping his lips. "Yes," he said.
"Yes, if you want me to be."
"Good." Sirius pulled him close in a bear hug, then kissed him again, on the
mouth this time.
By the time Sirius let him go, Remus was breathless and giddy. He had to sit
down for a moment on one of the classroom's desks. Sirius sat beside him,
taking his hand once more.
"I was worried," Remus admitted. "I thought maybe you really did think of me as
a girl."
Sirius's brow furrowed. "You're not a girl, Remus. I've never thought of you as
one."
Remus gave him a rueful smile. "I thought maybe I was one, when I realised I
fancied you."
"Why?" asked Sirius. "I fancy boys, and that doesn't make me a girl."
"Well, but you're normal."
Sirius snorted. "I'm a gay wizard. Most people wouldn't consider that very
normal."
"I suppose not," Remus conceded, looking down at their joined hands. "But
you're normal compared to me."
Sirius's free hand rose to brush his cheek. "Everybody is weird and different
in one way or another, Remus," he said softly. "It doesn't make you less of a
person, or mean you have any less right to be happy."
For a moment, Remus was worried he might cry. His potions treatments always
seemed to bring his emotions right to the surface. Sirius had always been a
good friend, but Remus had never imagined him being so open and understanding,
saying all the right things. He wondered if he was dreaming.
"I thought you wouldn't want me," he confessed, unable to meet Sirius's eyes.
"Because I'm different."
"You mean because you don't have a cock?" Sirius asked. He hesitated for a
moment. "I thought about that. While you were -- away. I thought about a lot of
things. But that -- I don't think it makes a difference. The reason I like
blokes isn't because they have cocks; it's because they're blokes. I like
snogging them even when it never goes further than that. I like snogging you,
even if we never --" he broke off, blushing.
Remus cleared his throat, his own cheeks flaming, hastily redirecting the
conversation. "But I don't act like blokes are supposed to. I like to read. I
write poetry. I don't care about Quidditch."
"You write poetry?" asked Sirius. "Can I --?"
"No," said Remus, flushing more furiously than ever as he thought about the
incriminating verses hidden at the bottom of his trunk, and the hours spent
searching for words that rhymed with Sirius, and synonyms for grey and
beautiful.
"OK." Sirius was smiling now. "Is that all you're worried about? Some blokes
like reading. Some blokes don't follow Quidditch. It's not that unusual. It
might make you a bit of a stuffy professor sometimes, but it certainly doesn't
make you a girl."
"But I'm not good looking," Remus burst out. "I hardly look like a bloke at
all. Why would you fancy me? I don't look like Dorian Gaveston."
Sirius's smile vanished, replaced by a confused frown. "What does Gaveston have
to do with anything?"
Remus bit his lip. "I saw you snogging him," he admitted.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Gaveston's a tosser. He was all right to get off with
once or twice, but I was over him in about a week."
"But -- he's really good looking."
"So?"
"You're really good looking, too."
"Am I?" Sirius grinned.
"Leave it out, Black." It was Remus's turn to roll his eyes. "You know you are.
I just meant -- you can have anyone you want. I can understand why you'd go for
someone who looks like him. But why would you ever be interested in someone
like me?"
Sirius shook his head. "Because you're Remus. You're not just some pretty,
brainless tosser. You're kind and smart and thoughtful and fun to be around.
Nice to kiss, too," he added, catching Remus's eye with a smile and a wink.
"Anyway, I like your face. So stop thinking you're some kind of hideous troll.
You're not. You're a nice-looking bloke."
Remus was not convinced. He pulled his robes tighter around himself, shivering.
The snakes in his belly turned over, reminding him that they were not finished
with him yet today.
"Speaking of brainless tossers," said Sirius, looking suddenly guilty. "I'm
sorry, Remus. I didn't mean to make you sit around a drafty classroom when
you're not feeling well."
It was not safe to hold hands in the corridors, even with most of the school
still down at supper, and Sirius did not try, although he did walk very close
beside Remus all the way back to Gryffindor Tower. The common room was quiet
when they came through the portrait hole, and Sirius slid an arm around Remus's
waist as they turned towards the stairs up to the dormitories.
Sirius made tea while Remus shrugged out of his robes, kicked off his shoes,
and climbed wearily into bed.
"I do mean it," he said quietly, when he handed the steaming mug to Remus. "All
of it."
Remus sipped his tea, eyes lowered. "I know. It's just -- when you hate who you
are as much as I do, it's hard to accept that other people might not feel the
same way."
A hand cupped his cheek, and Remus looked up into black-lashed grey eyes filled
with tenderness.
"I could never hate anything about you, Remus," said Sirius, soft voice
earnest. "You're wonderful."
Gently, Sirius took the mug out of his unresisting hands, setting it aside and
wrapping his arms tightly around Remus's shoulders, as if he never meant to let
go.
"I don't want to lose you again," Sirius murmured, voice rough-edged with
feeling. "I don't think I could bear it."
***** Chapter 7 *****
It was a beautiful late autumn day, and the sixth year Gryffindor boys were
enjoying a picnic lunch atop the Astronomy tower, courtesy of the Hogwarts
house-elves. Under the eyes of their friends, Remus and Sirius kept a careful
distance between themselves, and glanced at one another no more than seemed
friendly.
Remus was just thanking Sirius for the slice of treacle tart he had passed him,
when James burst out, "Oh, will you two give over!"
"Give over what, mate?" Sirius asked, all innocence, as Remus froze.
James rolled his eyes. "We know, all right? You and Remus are together now."
Fear burrowed into Remus's belly, but Sirius gave James a belligerent scowl,
shifting his position slightly to put himself between Remus and the others. "So
what if we are?"
Remus cast Peter a nervous glance, which Peter returned with a lopsided smile.
That, at least, seemed like a non-threatening reaction. He waited to see how
things would play out between the two best friends.
"Did you think I wouldn't notice?" asked James. "You should've seen the way he
was acting while you were away," he told Remus. "Then he told me he was queer,
and suddenly it all made sense."
"You told him?" Remus glanced at Sirius, surprised.
"Before you came back," said Sirius with an apologetic shrug. "It didn't seem
right, keeping quiet about it after everything you were dealing with."
"I'm not stupid," interrupted James. "And nor is Pete. He saw you snogging the
other day."
Remus gave Peter another surprised look, and Sirius narrowed his eyes.
"It's all right," said Peter with a nervous glance at Sirius. "I don't mind. I
think it's sweet, the two of you getting together."
James snorted. "'Sweet' isn't necessarily the word I'd use."
"So sorry if me snogging my boyfriend makes you uncomfortable, Potter," said
Sirius, not sounding sorry at all. "You never had any problem snogging
Hathersage in front of us."
"That was different," snapped James.
"Is it, though?" asked Peter.
James frowned thoughtfully. "No. No, Pete's right; it's not. It's not fair that
I can snog a girl or hold hands with her where people can see us, and no one
makes a fuss, but you have to hide and keep things secret."
"A lot of things aren't fair," Remus said quietly.
Sirius wrapped a protective arm around his shoulders, eyes still fixed on
James. "Anyway, what of it?"
James sighed. "I just meant to say that you don't have to hide it from us, all
right? I mean, I don't fancy watching my two best mates snog each other, but
when it's just the four of us, you don't have to pretend like nothing's going
on."
Peter nodded vigorous agreement. "Tell them about my idea," he prompted.
James rolled his eyes again. "Tuesday afternoons and Saturday mornings are
Gryffindor Quidditch practice, yeah? Well, Pete's going to make himself scarce
then, too, so you'll have the room all to yourselves for a few hours a week."
A slow smile spread across Sirius's face as Remus stared at James in disbelief.
"You really don't mind?" Remus asked.
James gave him a weak approximation of his usual grin. "I don't know if I mind
or not, but if my friends are happy, that's the important thing, right?"
The tension in his belly eased, and Remus did his best to return James's smile.
"Thanks. That's -- thanks."
Peter took up the flask of pumpkin juice and refilled their goblets. "A toast,"
he said, raising his own. "To friendship and snogging."
"Friendship and snogging!" The four of them clinked their goblets together and
drank.
"But if you're planning to do more than just snog when we're around," said
James as they banished empty dishes and napkins back to the kitchens, "for
Merlin's sake, remember your Silencing charms."
===============================================================================
At first, Remus felt self-conscious kissing Sirius when their friends were in
the room, but Sirius felt no such compunction. He took great delight in giving
Remus a good morning kiss each day, and when the four of them were in the
dormitory together, Sirius was rarely more than an arm's length from him, and
as often as not, held Remus's hand or snuggled close against his side. James
rolled his eyes at them a lot during the first few days, while Peter shot
glances at them, grinned foolishly, and looked away.
On Saturday morning, when James got up from breakfast to head down to the
Quidditch pitch, he muttered, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Or ... not,"
and blushed, hurrying away.
Peter gave them a surprisingly bawdy wink and a jaunty wave as they left the
Great Hall. Butterflies flapped wildly in Remus's belly. The thought of an
uninterrupted stretch of private time with Sirius had him in nervous jitters.
He was silent as they climbed the stairs to Gryffindor tower, too preoccupied
to notice that Sirius was unusually quiet as well.
"So," he said, when they reached their dormitory, "what do you want to -- er?"
"Dunno," said Sirius, ears pinkening. "I thought maybe I'd see how long I can
snog you before my mouth gets tired. If you want to."
Remus smiled. A few of the more turbulent butterflies settled down. "That
sounds like fun."
The only really comfortable place to sit in the room was on the beds. Sirius
brought his own pillows over to Remus's bed and they piled them up against the
headboard, kicking their shoes off onto the floor. Sirius bit his lip to hide a
smile as he took Remus's hands in his.
Remus loved that smile. That nose with the three small freckles across the
bridge. That pointed chin. Those beautiful grey eyes, fringed with long black
lashes. He could not imagine what he had done to deserve this lovely boy's
affection, but he was glad to have it. It occurred to Remus quite suddenly how
ridiculous it was to have Sirius here, all to himself, looking at him like
that, and not kiss him.
He leaned forwards, lips parted, and pressed his mouth to Sirius's. Sirius
responded eagerly, their teeth clicking together, and then it was all playful
nibbling lips and teasing tongues. Their arms went around one another, and
their feet tangled together as they gradually snuggled farther and farther down
on the bed, until they lay face-to-face.
It was wonderful, but Remus held himself back, keeping a handbreadth of space
between them. He did not feel ready yet to have Sirius think about his body
while they did this. It was better, for now, to just enjoy the kissing and the
light touches. Sirius did not push for more contact, but when Remus bit his
lower lip, he moaned softly, sending a delicious shiver through Remus's core.
They broke apart, panting slightly.
"Is your mouth tired yet?" Remus asked.
Sirius grinned, lips red and puffy. "Not even close," he said, diving back in
to kiss Remus again.
Remus was just thinking how warm it was in the room and wishing that he had
taken off his outer robes before they started, when there was a sharp knock on
the door. James swept in without waiting for a reply, Peter trailing behind
him.
Sirius sat up, hair sticking out at odd angles. "What are you doing back
already?" he demanded.
"It's almost lunch time, mate," frowned James, shoving a hand through his cloud
of black hair, even more wildly unkempt than usual from Quidditch practice.
"Don't tell me you've been at it for three hours?"
Remus glanced at the alarm clock on his nightstand in surprise. The hands
pointed at a quarter past noon. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I guess we lost track of
the time." He wondered whether he looked as flushed and disheveled as Sirius
did.
Peter hid a grin as he returned his schoolbooks to his trunk.
"Oh, can it, Pete," growled James. "Honestly, I think he's happier than you two
are about all this business." He waved a hand at the rumpled bedcovers and
tumbled stack of pillows.
"I can't help it," said Peter, a touch defiantly. "I think it's romantic, two
people starting out mates and then falling for one another."
Sirius flashed Peter a grin. "Yeah, it is. James is just jealous because he
hasn't managed to lure Evans up here yet."
James made a face. "I'm not jealous, and she'll come around. One of these days.
Are you two coming to lunch or not?"
===============================================================================
Tuesday took an agonisingly long time to arrive, with only a handful of quick
kisses to tide them over in the meantime. It was nearly impossible for Remus to
concentrate in Double Transfiguration that afternoon. He kept catching Sirius's
eye and having to look away again quickly, fumbling his wand. His heart beat
faster than usual, and his palms were damp, but not with nerves this time; he
was impatient to get Sirius alone and snog him breathless again -- to see him
all mussed and rumpled and happy, on Remus's bed.
James gave them a disgruntled look as they hurried past him on the way out of
the classroom. Irrepressible giggles bubbled between their lips as they chased
one another up the stairs to Gryffindor tower. As soon as the dormitory door
closed behind them, Remus shrugged out of his robes and kicked off his shoes.
Sirius laughed, following suit. "Why, Mr Lupin, if I didn't know any better, I
might think you were impatient to get me into bed."
"Come here," grinned Remus, holding out a hand.
Sirius took it and Remus pulled him close, collapsing against the pillows as
their lips met. Remus's hand slid around the back of Sirius's neck, fingers
buried in his hair, while Sirius's hand splayed across Remus's back, their
other hands clasped between them as they lay, facing one another on the bed. It
was a moment before they could stop giggling enough to kiss properly.
Remus was glad he had discarded his robes. It seemed very warm in the room
today. The collar of his shirt clung to his neck damply, and he let go of
Sirius long enough to tug the top button open. Sirius watched him, a half-smile
on his lips, one eyebrow raised.
"It's warm," said Remus, as even more heat flooded his cheeks.
"It is," Sirius agreed. Without hesitation, he unbuttoned and shrugged out of
his white school shirt, leaving him in the thin white cotton of his vest.
"Shall we continue?"
Remus nodded, dragging his eyes away from Sirius's chest.
They returned to snogging, but now Remus was distracted by the damp heat of
Sirius's skin against his palm through the thin fabric. It was exciting.
Experimentally, he abandoned Sirius's lips for a moment to nuzzle his neck,
just below his ear. Sirius was just as warm there, skin slightly sticky with
sweat. Remus put out his tongue to taste him. Sirius shivered and made a soft
sound that delighted Remus. He did it again.
The hand on Remus's back slid sideways over the curve of his ribs, and he
jerked back.
"Don't --" he gasped, hands clasped protectively over his chest.
Sirius looked guilty. "Sorry. I wasn't going to -- I don't want to make you
uncomfortable. But I do want to touch you, Remus."
Remus looked away. "You can. I-I want you to. Just not there --" he waved a
hand over his chest "-- or there --" he made a helpless flapping gesture
between his legs.
"That's fine," said Sirius, capturing the flailing hand and pressing it to his
lips. "I promise I won't unless you ask me to. All right?"
Biting his lip, Remus nodded. "I just don't want you to have to think about -
- things. Not when we're --"
"Are you worried I'll get turned off by your body?" Sirius asked. "Because
that's not going to happen."
"You don't seem like you're in any hurry to -- do things with me," Remus
whispered, lowering his eyes.
Sirius wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close enough to tuck his head
into the crook of Sirius's neck. Remus relaxed a little in the circle of his
arms.
"If I'm not in a hurry, it's because I don't want to rush you before you're
ready," Sirius said. "I know this is new for you. It's pretty new for me, too."
Remus stiffened and Sirius's grip on his shoulder tightened.
"Not because of you," Sirius explained. "I haven't done that much with anyone."
"You haven't?" Remus was surprised. Sirius's self-assurance had led him to
believe he was fairly experienced. His own relative lack of experience was part
of what made Remus so nervous.
"A couple of blokes have had their hands down my pants, but it never went past
that."
"I'm not sure I needed to know that much," said Remus. Then, "Who?"
"Jealous?" There was a hint of a smile in Sirius's voice.
"Should I be?"
Sirius let Remus go so that he could look into his eyes. "They were tossers,
Remus. I was tired of them within a couple of weeks. They weren't you, and it
wasn't like this." He kissed Remus softly, right between the eyes. "There.
That's something I've never done with anyone else."
Remus smiled reluctantly, and leaned in to return the gesture. "Me, either.
You're the first person I've ever kissed."
A funny, soppy look spread across Sirius's face. "I guess I knew that. I never
really thought about it."
"I'd like to do it some more, if you don't mind." Remus said.
"I would mind a lot more if you didn't want to," Sirius told him. "I just
wanted to make sure you know you're not the only one who's nervous here."
Sirius's hand slid over Remus's back again as their mouths met, and for a
while, no more was said. As Remus relaxed, he allowed his hands to tentatively
explore Sirius's body. One caressed the back of his neck, then slid over the
curve of a shoulder, following the groove of his spine until his fingers
reached the bottom of Sirius's vest, where they rested, lightly touching the
exposed strip of Sirius's lower back. Remus's fingers spread out, sliding
across the sweat-slick skin under the thin fabric. His other hand moved between
them to curve over Sirius's chest, feeling the thunder of his heart against his
palm.
"Remus --" Sirius whispered after they had kissed for a while longer.
"Hmmm?" Remus loved the way his name sounded when Sirius said it like that. It
sent spirals of pleasure spinning through his belly. He nuzzled Sirius's
throat, hoping to hear him say it again.
"I -- um -- maybe we should stop."
"Why?" asked Remus, surprised.
"Because, um."
Sirius moved his hips against Remus's thigh, and Remus felt the unmistakeable
hardness there. He stilled, heart hammering against his ribs. "Oh."
"Sorry," mumbled Sirius. "It's just -- I'm really close. I didn't want to
surprise you."
Remus glanced down nervously at the shape in his boyfriend's trousers. "That -
- that happened because we were kissing?"
Sirius nodded. "It happens almost every time we kiss."
Remus swallowed heavily. He could not take his eyes away, but the question he
wanted to ask was frozen on his tongue.
Sirius seemed to hear it anyway. "You can touch me if you want to, Remus. But
you don't have to." His voice trembled.
So did Remus's hand as it slipped out from under the hem of Sirius's vest to
hover uncertainly between them. Both of them held their breath. Under Remus's
other hand, Sirius's heart pounded harder than ever.
By the time James and Peter returned, Sirius was in the bathroom and Remus lay
with one arm crooked behind his head, staring dreamily up at the canopy over
his bed, fingers closed tight around the memory of hot skin against his palm
and the sobbing sound of Sirius calling out his name.
***** Chapter 8 *****
Tuesdays and Saturdays were agony to wait for, and too soon over. There was not
a moment -- not an activity that Remus participated in -- when he would not
rather have been touching and kissing and being alone with Sirius. He could not
get enough of the other boy. In a surprisingly short time, Remus got over his
awkwardness at kissing Sirius in front of their roommates, and sometimes only a
pointed throat-clearing from James or a nervous "er --" from Peter reminded
them that they were being anti-social.
Twice now, Remus had been unwilling to wait for their next "date", slipping
between Sirius's bed-curtains under cover of darkness, and into his boyfriend's
surprised and delighted arms. Their sleep suffered on those nights, but it was
worth it to Remus because it meant one more chance to touch Sirius, feel him
hard and urgent in his hand, and hear the desperate sounds he made as he went
to pieces.
Daytime was better, though. Much as he loved touching Sirius's cock -- feeling
the shapes of him, the velvety softness, the glide of the foreskin -- being
able to look at Sirius while he touched him was a matchless pleasure. When
Saturday came and Sirius shed his robes and shirt with a grin, Remus did not
let him stop there. He urged his vest over his head and tugged at his belt, and
in moments, he was drinking in the sight of Sirius, spread out before him, a
smile curving his lips, stroking himself with a loose fist. Sirius. Naked. In
his bed. With that look in his eyes. Surely Remus must be dreaming.
"Are you going to take off those robes and come join me?" Sirius asked. "Or are
you just planning to watch?"
Remus's eyes never left his boyfriend's body as he shrugged out of his robes
and tugged open the top button of his shirt. He hesitated a moment, then his
hands went to his belt. His trousers puddled on the floor and he stepped out of
them, climbing onto the bed in his pants and long-tailed school shirt. Sirius's
grin widened as he leaned up on an elbow for a kiss.
While his mouth was occupied with Sirius's, Remus let his hands wander.
Sirius's chest was smooth and hairless, the delicate arch of each rib traceable
beneath the thin web of muscle. His skin was a shade or two darker than Remus's
own, and broke out in gooseflesh when Remus brushed his thumb lightly over a
dark pink nipple. Smiling, Remus nipped playfully at the corner of his
boyfriend's jaw and nuzzled at his throat as he continued his explorations.
When Remus's fingers brushed the soft curve of his belly, Sirius giggled
involuntarily.
"Ticklish?" Remus asked, grinning.
"You wouldn't." Sirius tensed.
Remus kissed the curve of his collarbone. "Perhaps not just now. Might be
useful to know for the future, though."
His finger found the sparse trail of hair that ran from Sirius's navel to join
the nest of dark curls between his legs. Sirius shivered.
"Remus --"
"Hmmm?" said Remus, eyeing one of Sirius's nipples and wondering what would
happen if he applied his tongue to it.
"Y-you don't have to do this every time."
"I want to. I like touching you. Don't you want me to?" His tongue flicked out,
tasting pink.
Sirius drew a sharp breath. "Doesn't seem fair," he mumbled. "Me getting off
all the time."
"Mmmm," Remus rubbed his lips against the tiny nub. "Let me worry about
'fair'."
Sirius's head fell back on the pillow as Remus kissed his way down his torso.
Squirming farther down the bed, he rested his chin on Sirius's thigh. It was
exciting to be able to view Sirius's cock from so close, and to know that he
could touch it if he wanted to. He did so, running his knuckles lightly up the
underside, then taking the shaft between thumb and forefinger and slowly
rolling Sirius's foreskin up and down. A soft hum of pleasure came from the
direction of the pillows.
The skin was velvet-soft, with a loose stretchiness to it. It was unlike any
other place on Sirius's body, nor anything else in nature that Remus could
think of. Remus was captivated. He traced the path of a vein, then ran his
thumb over the smooth head. It felt so strange to the touch, almost like a
living thing in its own right as much as a part of Sirius's body. As always,
Remus banished the thought of what his own might look and feel like, if he had
one. Such thoughts never led anywhere good, and Remus was not about to let them
intrude on his private time with Sirius. Instead, he let his fingers drift down
to caress Sirius's balls. Another thought was forming in his mind, related to
one he had had a moment before.
Pushing himself up on an elbow, Remus wrapped a hand around the shaft of
Sirius's cock, stroking slowly but firmly. It was not large, and Remus liked
the way it seemed to fit perfectly in his palm. He leaned in to lap delicately
at the head with the point of his tongue. Sirius's eyes flew open, and he gave
a muffled scream. For a moment, the two boys stared at one another, wide-eyed.
Then Sirius's eyelids fluttered shut.
"Oh, fuck," he said distinctly.
The shaft pulsed in Remus's hand as Sirius climaxed, hot spunk jetting onto
Remus's lips and chin, and dripping down over his fingers.
"Sorry," panted Sirius. "I should've warned you I was close."
Remus was breathing rather heavily himself. Experimentally, he licked his lips,
savouring the strange, musky flavour. "I guess you liked that," he said,
smiling and wiping his chin on the back of his hand.
In answer, Sirius reached down to take him by the wrist and draw him back up
the bed. Eyes locked with Remus's, he brought the come-smeared fingers to his
lips, and one by one, sucked them clean, tongue running over and tugging at the
pad of each finger in turn. Remus's eyes went wide as a bolt of heat shot
through him, from Sirius's mouth directly to his groin. A throbbing ache took
up residence between his thighs and remained there as Sirius threaded his
fingers through Remus's hair, pulling him close for a long and messy kiss.
When he went into the bathroom to dress again before James and Peter came back,
Remus's pants were so wet that he had to change them. It was not the first time
he had noticed dampness after being with or thinking about Sirius, but the
intensity of the feelings that caused it was becoming harder to ignore.
Sometimes Remus had wild, terrifying thoughts about what it might feel like if
Sirius touched him there, between his legs. He knew Sirius wanted to touch him,
to please him as he pleased Sirius. Sometimes Remus wanted it, too. Thus far,
Sirius had expressed no disgust or dismay over Remus's body -- indeed, nothing
short of delight -- but Remus worried that if too much of the focus of their
trysts was placed on his body, he would not be able to relax and enjoy their
time together. Even if he had wanted Sirius to do things for him, Remus had no
idea what he would want him to do, and he knew Sirius had no experience with
bodies resembling his.
Even so, Remus could not help thinking about it, and for the rest of the day,
whenever his eyes connected with Sirius's, he heard again the promise his
boyfriend had made, and the determination in his voice when he made it: "Next
time, I'll find something to do for you."
===============================================================================
Remus spent the first half of Tuesday feeling more nervous than he had since he
and Sirius had begun their explorations. He briefly considered begging off sick
in order to avoid what might very well be only an exercise in frustration and
disappointment. He knew that would be cowardly of him, though. The
Gryffindorish thing to do would be to tell Sirius he did not feel ready to try
anything new today, and that he should save his plans, whatever they were, for
another time. Or possibly never.
After class, James left for Quidditch practice and Peter departed for the
library with a cheerful wave. As soon as the dormitory door closed behind them,
Sirius began unfastening his robes. When he saw the look on Remus's face, he
stopped.
"Are you all right?"
Remus shook his head, eyes downcast, arms crossed protectively in front of him.
"Whatever you're planning, I-I can't."
Sirius stepped closer and put a hand on Remus's shoulder. "Will you at least
let me tell you what I had in mind before you say no?"
Biting his lip, Remus nodded.
Sirius kissed his forehead. "First, I was going to ask you to undress as far as
you're willing. Then I'd have you lie down on your front on the bed. I wouldn't
touch you anywhere that was still covered without asking. But I would touch you
everywhere else. If you didn't like it, you could tell me to stop. I would
never ask you to do anything you're not comfortable with, Remus," he finished
softly. "I hope you know that."
Remus looked up into Sirius's eyes. He did know that. The problem was not
trusting Sirius; it was trusting himself. But nothing Sirius had described
sounded particularly scary.
"All right."
Smiling, Sirius bent his head to kiss Remus softly on the mouth, then stepped
away. "D'you want me to turn my back while you undress?"
"No, it's OK."
Even so, Sirius did not watch him. He shed his clothing much more quickly than
Remus did, and by the time Remus began unbuttoning his shirt, Sirius sat naked
on the bed, knees drawn up to his chin, staring with evident fascination at his
own toes. Heart thudding heavily against his ribs, Remus worked loose the last
few buttons and shrugged off the shirt. He hesitated a moment over his vest
before discarding it as well. Nervous goose-prickles broke out all over his
skin as he crawled up onto the bed wearing only his pants and the binding that
kept his chest flat. He lay on his front, chin propped on his folded hands, and
waited.
Warm fingers brushed his back, and he shivered.
"Are you cold?"
"A little."
Footsteps padded across the room, and then warmth settled over Remus. Sirius's
red and gold afghan. The one James's mother had made for him. It was so
immediately comforting that Remus wondered whether she had charmed it for that.
Sirius curled up beside him, kissing him again. "We can just do this for a
while, if you like."
Remus turned towards him under the blanket and put an arm around him, pulling
him closer. In the midst of his attack of nerves, he had momentarily forgotten
how good it always felt to be close to Sirius, how eager his mouth always was
to be kissed. Warmth began to spread through Remus's body, driving away the
chill.
Sirius licked and nibbled at his lips. "I want to touch you," he murmured. "So
much."
The intensity behind the words sent a shiver down Remus's spine. "I want you
to."
"Turn over."
This time, Remus settled onto his front and closed his eyes with a sigh of
contentment as Sirius crawled down the bed and uncovered his feet. Cradling a
foot in one hand, Sirius pressed his knuckles into the arch, rubbing deep into
the muscle. When he did the same to the other foot a moment later, Remus moaned
softly. It was not a sexual feeling, but it was very pleasant. Sirius's lips
brushed the bottom of his foot, and Remus giggled with ticklishness.
"Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for," Sirius teased.
"Then you'll have to try harder, won't you?"
Sirius's mouth pressed against Remus's ankle, and he began to kiss and nuzzle
his way up Remus's legs, pushing the blanket out of the way as he went. When he
reached the backs of his knees, Remus gasped. Sirius paused, flicking the tip
of his tongue along the sensitive crease, and making Remus whimper.
"D'you like that?" he whispered, blowing on the damp skin.
"Yes."
Sirius chuckled and spent several minutes applying his mouth and fingers to the
task of turning Remus into a quivering mess, before progressing slowly up the
backs of his thighs. There, he gently applied his teeth and fingernails as
Remus gasped and fisted his hands in the bedspread. The swollen, throbbing
feeling was back between his legs with a vengeance. He tensed, squeezing his
thighs together and moaning.
"Remus?" Sirius murmured, sounding a little breathless.
"Uh?"
"Can I touch your arse?"
"I -- um --" Remus was having trouble thinking clearly. "D'you want to?"
Sirius's soft laugh sent tendrils of heat curling across the skin of Remus's
thighs. "Do I want to touch one of the finest arses I've ever seen? Yes, I do."
"It's not --"
"It is. Far nicer than James's, and you know how girls are always going on
about his. Yours might even be the nicest arse in all of Hogwarts. Can I touch
it? It's OK if you don't want me to. I'm happy just to look."
Remus licked his lips. "Y-you can. If you want to."
Straddling his knees, Sirius caressed the backs of Remus's thighs, then slowly
moved his hands upwards. His touch was light at first, palms cupping the rounds
of Remus's buttocks, thumbs smoothing the fabric of his pants against his skin.
Sirius's hands were warm, and as he bent his head to kiss the bare skin of
Remus's lower back, Remus felt Sirius's erection rub between his thighs. It
felt exciting and forbidden. He moved his hips, pressing back against the touch
as Sirius's fingers massaged him.
"Sirius --" he moaned.
Panting breaths puffed across the damp skin of Remus's back. Sirius's mouth was
hot, his tongue teasing its way up Remus's spine. One hand remained on his arse
as Sirius crawled up the bed to kiss his shoulders and neck, hurrying the last
distance like a diver coming up for air.
Remus rolled onto his side to meet Sirius's mouth, tasting the salt of his own
sweat on Sirius's tongue as they kissed hungrily. He wrapped an arm around the
other boy, pulling him close and turning towards him, loving the feel of
Sirius's heat-flushed skin against his own.
"Did you like that?" Sirius asked.
"Yes." Remus kissed him again. "How did you think of doing that?"
Sirius grinned. "Lying in my bed at night, thinking of you and touching myself
everywhere to see what felt good."
"Mmmm," he nuzzled at Sirius's throat. "That sounds like fun."
"It was. I got so hard doing it, just like now --" he pressed his hips against
Remus's thigh, "-- but I wasn't allowed to touch myself there."
"Did you come, touching yourself like that?" Remus asked, tongue finding the
sensitive place below Sirius's ear.
"Yes."
"Wish I could've seen that."
"Play your cards right, and maybe you will."
Remus covered Sirius's mouth with his own, licking deeply into him as his hand
slid down Sirius's back to squeeze his arse, pulling the other boy tightly to
him. Sirius rubbed against him again, moaning into Remus's mouth. The sweet
ache between Remus's legs was almost unbearable. Was this how Sirius felt when
Remus touched him? Experimentally, he pressed his hips to Sirius's thigh,
grinding against him. The hot, swollen feeling intensified, sending shivers of
pleasure through his belly and groin.
"Remus --" Sirius panted in his ear.
The hand on Remus's arse tightened as Sirius's other arm slid around his
shoulders, pulling Remus down. Sirius lay back against the pillows, eyes dark,
lips parted, chest heaving, spread out with Remus lying half on top of him.
Remus moved to taste his mouth, and his groin nudged Sirius's erection. Sirius
groaned, arching up into him, and Remus swallowed a gasp as the head of his
boyfriend's cock rubbed against the aching place between his legs. He ground
down, seeking more of that sweet feeling.
Sirius's hands scrabbled at Remus's sweaty back. One hand slid into the
waistband of his pants to grip his arse as the two boys clung together,
grinding desperately into one another. Remus's breath came in gasps at Sirius's
throat. The thin fabric of his pants was soaking wet, and it felt almost as if
Sirius's hard cock was rubbing directly against him.
Remus gave a sharp cry and clutched at Sirius, tensing as a wave of white-hot
pleasure shuddered through him.
"Oh, Merlin," gasped Sirius, arms tightening around him as his hips jerked and
stuttered under Remus's.
There was a moment of stillness. Remus lay in Sirius's arms, pulse pounding in
his ears and between his legs, mouth pressed to Sirius's shoulder, afraid to
move. Then Sirius gave a contented sigh. One hand rose to stroke Remus's hair.
Remus pulled away, grabbing for the blanket and wrapping it around himself,
looking anywhere but at Sirius. "I -- uh --"
Sirius sat up. "What's wrong?"
Cheeks burning, Remus shook his head.
"You didn't enjoy it?" Sirius looked disappointed. "It seemed like you did."
"I-I don't know," stammered Remus. "I haven't -- that's never --"
Sirius stared at him. "You've never come before?"
Remus bit his lip, shaking his head.
"Don't you wank?" Sirius sounded bewildered. "I thought everyone did that."
"It -- feels wrong," Remus tried to explain, a helpless gesture encompassing
his complicated relationship with his body.
Sirius took Remus's flailing hand in his. "Did it feel wrong this time?"
"I don't know," said Remus, flushing darker. "It felt -- strange."
"I'm sorry," said Sirius. "I didn't mean to push you into doing something you
weren't ready for."
Remus raised his eyes to the troubled look on Sirius's face. "Did you like it?"
"I loved it." Sirius's eyes went soft. "I'm just worried that I've cocked
everything up and upset my boyfriend by having sex with him before he was
ready."
Remus's eyebrows shot up. "That didn't count. Did it?"
Sirius looked down at their hands, lacing his fingers through Remus's. "It felt
like it did." He raised Remus's fingers to his lips and kissed them. "We were
together."
Remus swallowed a sudden tightness in his throat and squeezed Sirius's hand.
"I'm not upset. I was just -- surprised."
"I hope it wasn't a bad surprise, then."
"No. Not bad." Overwhelming, confusing, terrifying, impossible to process. But
not bad.
Sirius leaned in to kiss Remus softly on the mouth. "It's all right if you
don't want to count it, Remus. It's all right if you don't want to do it again.
We can go back to just kissing, if that's better for you. Whatever you decide
is fine. But I'm glad you were my first."
***** Chapter 9 *****
For the next two weeks, Remus's private time with Sirius mainly involved
talking and kissing with their clothes on, although Remus's wandering hands
sometimes meant that Sirius did not end up as clothed as he began. Once,
Remus's mouth found its way to Sirius's cock, even though they knew James and
Peter were only downstairs in the common room, and might reappear at any
moment. On some nights, sleepy, meandering conversations continued into the
darkness, and they fell into oblivion curled around one another in Sirius's
bed. On other nights, in the privacy of his own bed, under the protection of a
Silencing charm, Remus experimented with touching himself.
It still felt strange and wrong to him, but he was beginning to feel that
having parts designed for pleasure and not using them, only because they were
not the parts he wanted, was a level of self-denial he had no wish to engage
in. It would have meant cheating himself out of one of life's joys, and was his
life not already difficult enough? Surely Remus had as much right to sexual
fulfillment as anyone else, but he wanted to make sure he knew how to bring
himself off before letting anything happen with Sirius again, so he touched
himself and concentrated on the feelings, trying not to think too much about
the parts.
His heart was beating fast and his palms were sweating on the night he finally
slipped between Sirius's bed-curtains. He had not planned it, but lying in the
darkness with his fingers between his legs, thinking about Sirius, feeling the
heat rising inside him, when Sirius was just across the room, willing and eager
to be touched, was more than Remus could bear. Sirius was warm and half asleep
when he greeted Remus with a drowsy, open-mouthed kiss, but he began to wake up
as Remus tugged at his teeshirt. By the time his pants slid over his hips, he
was hard.
"This is a nice dream," he sighed into Remus's ear.
"Want me to make it nicer?"
"Mmmm. Yes, please."
Groping for the wand on Sirius's nightstand, Remus cast a quick Silencing charm
on the drapes. His lips grazed Sirius's throat, and a hand stole down to cup
his boyfriend's balls before wrapping around his cock. Remus stroked him slowly
until Sirius began to sigh and moan and push against his hand.
"Is that good?" he whispered.
"Yes."
"Are you going to come for me?"
"Yes."
"D'you want me to come for you?"
He heard the breath catch in Sirius's throat. "Oh, Merlin, Remus. Please."
Thankful for the darkness that kept Sirius from watching him too closely, Remus
slipped his free hand into his pants. It was more awkward than he had
anticipated. As the intensity of the sensation began to build, Remus lost the
rhythm of his hand on Sirius's cock. But then Sirius's hand was there, closing
around Remus's, guiding his motions, leaving him free to find the pace he
needed. His mouth sought Sirius's, and they breathed inarticulate sounds of
passion into one another's lips as their hands moved, squeezing and gliding and
rubbing.
When Remus came, Sirius's name spilling brokenly from his tongue, Sirius was
only seconds behind him, clinging to him as they quaked with uncontrollable
pleasure. Remus did not want it to stop, and kept up the motion of his fingers
as the sensation peaked again and again, like electricity surging through his
body. It was almost half a minute before he shivered into limpness in Sirius's
arms with a sigh, drained and blissful.
"Slytherin's arse," Sirius panted.
It took Remus a moment to remember how to form words. "Th-that was intense."
"I'll say it was." Sirius lifted his head from Remus's sweat-damp shoulder. "I
thought you would never stop coming."
"Sorry," Remus blushed.
"Sorry?" he kissed Remus's forehead. "Why would you be sorry? That was amazing.
I've never seen anyone come like that. How did you manage it?"
"I don't know," said Remus, disconcerted. "I just did."
Sirius shook his head, kissing him again. "You're incredible, Remus. Have I
told you that? You are."
That was not the last time, either. Remus was not prepared to let Sirius touch
him so intimately yet, but from then on, hardly a private interlude passed
which left either of them less than fully sated. That was how Remus learned,
following his next Potions treatment, that orgasm eased his cramps
considerably.
"I'm not really in the mood," he had told Sirius at the start. "Can we just
kiss?"
But after kissing for a while, he found that he was in the mood after all, and
discovered that powerful relief was right at his fingertips.
"Merlin, I wish I'd known about that years ago," he mumbled into Sirius's neck.
"Mmmm," sighed Sirius, kissing his ear. "D'you want to go again?"
His parents were surprised when Remus opted not to come home for the Christmas
holidays after all, but Remus did not feel ready yet to explain matters to
them. Their roommates understood, however, and cleared out with no more than a
merry exhortation from Peter to "have fun", and a warning from James about the
dire consequences of shagging on his bed.
It was a glorious holiday. They spent most of it in bed, only leaving the room
when they got hungry, and once when Remus noticed it was snowing, and Sirius
began behaving like an over-excited puppy. They held hands as they strolled
around the edge of the lake. There were few people left at the school to see
them, and they were far enough from the castle that it was unlikely anyone
would notice. Fingers laced through Sirius's, Remus realised that he was
happier now than he had ever been before. He smiled, turning towards Sirius -
- lovely, pink-cheeked Sirius, with snowflakes caught in his hair -- and
kissing him on the nose.
"What was that for?" asked Sirius, surprised.
Remus shrugged, still smiling. "For you."
On Christmas morning, Remus awoke to his boyfriend bouncing on the bed and
shouting, "Prezzies!"
Remus sat up, rubbing his eyes, as Sirius played Father Christmas, doling out
the brightly-wrapped parcels. There were gifts from their roommates, and from
James's parents, and Remus's. While Sirius unwrapped his gifts from Remus -
- two albums of the kind of loud Muggle rock music he liked best -- Remus
opened the package his parents had sent. It was a book, with a card tucked
inside the front cover.
     Dear Remus,
     We think we may have found a Muggle doctor for you. This is his book.
     We have spoken with him, and he seems knowledgeable. He told us he
     can set up an appointment to meet with you over the summer to discuss
     things, and that if you decide you want to move forwards with Muggle
     medical options, you can do so as soon as you turn 18, which is the
     Mugglish age of majority.
     We have bought our own copy of the book as well, and will read every
     word, so that we can understand what is happening as best we can.
     We hope you will come home for Easter. It will be a quiet Christmas
     without you. We miss you and love you so much, Son. Happy Christmas!
     Love,
     Mum & Dad
Remus's eyes blurred and he blinked back tears. It was really going to happen.
His parents were going to help him find another way.
"Everything all right?" asked Sirius, noticing the look on his face.
Wordlessly, Remus handed him the card.
"That's brilliant," said Sirius, when he had read it. "Your parents are ace."
He peered over Remus's shoulder as he paged through the book. It was full of
dense paragraphs and dry, scientific-sounding terms, as well as a few black and
white photographs and diagrams that Remus thought he might feel more
comfortable looking at later, by himself. He closed the book quickly and set it
aside. It was only then that he noticed Sirius was holding a small package
wrapped in shiny blue paper.
"Thanks for the music," he said, looking suddenly shy. "I made you something.
It isn't much, but I hope you'll like it."
Curious, Remus tore open the paper. Inside was a small silver flask. As he
turned it over in his hands, he felt the slosh of liquid inside.
"I made as much as I could," Sirius continued. "Some of the ingredients were
hard to get, though."
Remus's brows knit together in puzzlement. "Sirius, what --?"
"It's Polyjuice Potion."
Remus stared at him. "Polyjuice?"
"You know, it's for --"
"I know what it does, Sirius. You made this for me?"
Sirius nodded. "Haven't you ever thought about it?"
Remus looked down at the flask again. "You know I'm rubbish at Potions. I'd
probably poison myself if I ever tried to make something this -- Sirius, this
is really hard to make. And expensive."
Sirius shrugged. "I thought you'd like it."
"I do," said Remus, touched. "But Sirius, I can't -- It wouldn't be right for
me to borrow someone's body without their permission."
"You don't have to."
He took the flask from Remus's unresisting hands and unscrewed the cap, then,
as Remus watched, wide-eyed, he reached up and plucked a hair from his own
head, dropping it into the potion.
He offered it back to Remus with a crooked smile. "You have my permission. Go
ahead and try it."
His fingers felt numb as he accepted the flask back from Sirius's hand,
dizzying possibilities dancing through his brain, exciting, terrifying. To know
what it felt like to have a body like Sirius's, even for a moment --
"H-how long does it last?" he asked, clearing his throat.
"A full dose lasts an hour. There's only two doses. I'm sorry I couldn't make
more. You can save it for later, if you like. It keeps for a while."
Could he? Could he go down to Christmas breakfast, and go through his day,
knowing this was here, and not trying it? Remus shook his head. "I want to try
it now, but --"
"What?"
Remus bit his lip. "Would you mind if I did it by myself, this time?"
There was a brief flash of disappointment in Sirius's eyes, but then he smiled.
"Of course not. I'll bring you back some breakfast, shall I?"
He got dressed, giving Remus a swift kiss before departing. "See you in an
hour."
When he had gone, Remus got out of bed and undressed completely, then sat on
the edge of the bed, contemplating the flask. Everything he had ever wanted was
right here in his hands. With shaking fingers, he unscrewed the cap and brought
the flask up to his lips. The potion had the strong and slightly metallic scent
of treacle, with just a whiff of something that reminded Remus of wet dog. He
tilted his head back and swallowed.
A woozy, light-headed feeling came over him. He thought for a moment that he
was going to be sick. Had Sirius made the potion wrong? But then his body began
to move, to shift, to expand and alter in every direction at once. When the
dizziness passed, Remus gazed down at a body he knew well, but it was not his
own.
Slowly, he raised a hand to his chest, running his palm over the firm flatness
of it. One finger brushed a small, sensitive nipple, and he shivered. This is
what it feels like for Sirius when I touch him, he realised. A wave of feeling
overwhelmed him, bringing tears to his eyes. Remus dashed them away
impatiently. He only had a short time with the potion, and he was not going to
waste it.
He got up and went into the bathroom. Sirius's lovely grey eyes stared back at
him from the mirror. His own self-conscious smile looked wrong on his
boyfriend's face, but when his hands moved over the smooth skin, Remus stared
in fascination. He could not quite reconcile the reflection in the mirror with
the body he currently inhabited. All he could see was Sirius, touching himself.
One hand drifted down his belly to cup between his legs.
Remus had touched Sirius there many times by now, but usually, by the time he
did, Sirius was erect, or very nearly so. He expected the penis to begin to
harden at the first touch, but it did not. It remained in its resting state for
some time as Remus explored the soft folds of skin, weighing the testicles in
his palm. Remus could not stop touching, there or anywhere else. He wanted to
know what it felt like for Sirius everywhere he was touched.
Gradually, Remus began to become aroused, watching with delight and wonder as
the cock in his hand swelled to fill his palm. In some ways, arousal felt the
same. The heat and the swollen feeling were both familiar. But in other, less
definable ways, it was different. His hand stroked the shaft, rolling the
foreskin up and down, feeling the tingle of pleasure build. There was no way
Remus would let his precious hour expire without learning what it felt like to
climax in this body.
Stepping into the shower, he turned on the hot water, letting it flow over
every inch of his borrowed skin. His hands followed the downward stream of the
water, touching everywhere for a moment before curling around the hardening
cock once more.
This is my cock. The thought sent a thrill of delight through him. I'm touching
my cock. This is what it feels like. He gave himself a few clumsy strokes as
his other hand sought more places to touch and caress.
It was only when he took hold of himself and began wanking in earnest that he
discovered the problem: he had no experience in the motion that the body he
currently inhabited craved. Remus tried to copy the same swift action he had
seen Sirius use, squeezing and tugging, but the muscles of his wrist began to
tire and ache quickly. After a few minutes, he switched hands, but his left was
even clumsier than his right.
Remus leaned his forehead against the cool tiles, jaw clenched in
determination. How many minutes were left? He tried everything he could think
of. He imagined Sirius there, on his knees, using his mouth on him. That helped
a little, but it still was not enough. A frustrated exclamation burst from his
lips.
There was a knock at the door. "Remus, is everything OK?"
"No."
"Can I come in?"
Remus hesitated for a moment. If Sirius was back from breakfast already, that
meant his time was almost up. He would need his boyfriend's guidance, if he was
to have any hope of finishing in time. "Yeah, OK."
The door opened and closed behind him, but Remus did not turn around. He leaned
against the tiles, hand still moving feverishly, lip clenched between his
teeth.
"I can't do it. It's not working," he admitted, feeling like a failure.
He heard Sirius's robes and the clank of his belt buckle hitting the floor, and
then Sirius was behind him, all warm, smooth skin, with an arm around his chest
and a hand covering his own.
"I'll show you," Sirius murmured, kissing the back of Remus's neck. "It just
takes a bit of practise, that's all."
The hand wrapped around him delivered a series of swift, expert strokes, and
soon the warm tingling sensation began building again. Remus relaxed into
Sirius's arms, watching his hand move.
Sirius is touching my cock, he thought. Sirius is wanking me off.
"I've been wanting to do this for such a long time," said Sirius, nuzzling his
neck. "To touch you. To hold you like this. To make you come. I want you to
like it when I touch you, Remus. D'you like this?"
"Yes," moaned Remus between clenched teeth.
"This is how I touch myself, when I think about you. Right here in the shower."
The hand on his cock worked faster, and the pad of a thumb traced small, slow
circles around one of his nipples. Remus gasped. His hips moved urgently,
fucking Sirius's fist. It felt so good. So unbearably good.
"Sirius, oh -- oh!"
The arm around his chest tightened, holding him as he shuddered and came. He
felt his balls tighten, his cock pulse, as spunk shot through him to spatter
against the tiles. His heart was pounding, his knees weak and trembling, his
breath coming in ragged gasps.
Sirius kissed the back of his neck. "Good?"
Remus nodded. "Is-isn't this weird for you?"
"A little," Sirius admitted. "But I know this body pretty well. I know what it
likes."
A strange, disorienting tremor passed through Remus's chest. "Sirius, I think -
- I'm changing back. Could you please --?"
"It's all right," Sirius assured him. He kissed him once more and let go,
stepping away and drawing the shower curtain closed. "I'll get you a towel."
Remus slid down the wall and turned his face up into the stream of hot water as
his body shifted and shrank, holding on fiercely to the memory of what he had
just experienced.
They saved the second dose of Polyjuice Potion for New Year's Eve, and Remus
rang in the new year with his cock in his boyfriend's mouth, moaning and
cursing as Sirius sucked him off. When Sirius kissed him, wishing him "Happy
New Year," he tasted his own spunk on Sirius's lips, and almost wept. Almost.
He did not want Sirius to think that anything was wrong when, in that one
moment, everything was perfect.
Sirius had given him a rare gift, the value of which Remus could never begin to
explain to him, and for which Remus would always be grateful, even if Polyjuice
was not the solution to his problems.
***** Chapter 10 *****
Remus knew Snape still watched him. For the most part, he ignored the Slytherin
boy. He rarely went anywhere in the castle without Sirius, and usually James as
well, and both of them kept a sharp eye out for trouble. Remus never asked it
of them; he did not think he needed their protection, but he was glad not to
have to be on his guard all the time.
It had been so long since Snape had dared say a word to him that Remus did not
even think to worry on the day in late February when Sirius was ill and had to
miss Arithmancy. Neither James nor Peter took the class, so Remus went alone on
Monday morning. His only thought was of stopping by the hospital wing after the
lesson, to see if Madam Pomfrey had anything that might help clear up the
congestion in Sirius's head and chest. When a turn of the corridor brought him
face-to-face with Severus Snape, flanked by Rabastan Lestrange and Evan Rosier,
Remus stopped short.
Surprise quickly transformed into a nasty grin on Snape's face. "Where's your
boyfriend, Lupin?"
Remus tensed as sudden fear rose up in the back of his throat. "Fuck off,
Snape." But the words did not sound as careless as Sirius or James would have
said them.
Lestrange and Rosier laughed. Snape's wand hand twitched in the folds of his
robes. "Not up to much without the boys around to protect you, are you, Lupin?"
Remus would have ignored the jibe, and took a step towards the Arithmancy
classroom, but going any farther meant turning his back on the Slytherins, and
Remus was not prepared to do that. His hand inched towards his wand pocket.
"I can defend myself just fine," he said, forcing as much bravery into his
voice as possible. "What about you? You think you need backup to take me?" His
eyes flicked back and forth nervously between the other two boys. Neither of
them seemed in any hurry to draw their wands.
"I'd have to be pretty hopeless if I couldn't handle a little bender like you
on my own," sneered Snape.
The reply was on the tip of his tongue before Remus knew where it came from,
but as soon as he said it, he realised that it was exactly what Sirius would
have said. "Why, Snivellus! I had no idea. If you wanted to 'handle' me, you
should've said something."
Snape gave him a disgusted look. "I wouldn't touch you for all the Galleons in
Gringotts. Queer. Pervert. Freak." He spat the words at Remus.
Remus contemplated his tormentor in silence as the words fell flat at his feet.
When it was just Snape and himself, or Remus's roommates, the Slytherin did not
hesitate to lash out at Remus with feminine pronouns and misogynistic slurs.
But now, with his own friends present, he resorted instead to insults
concerning Remus's sexuality. Whatever restrictions Dumbledore had placed upon
him, they appeared to have worked. Snape was not going to reveal Remus's
secret.
He might speculate openly about Remus's relationship with Sirius, but everyone
at Hogwarts knew how the Slytherin felt about his Gryffindor classmates, and
they might or might not believe him. Even if they did, Remus found he cared
less than he had supposed he would. He was proud to be Sirius Black's
boyfriend. Why should he care what a vindictive ass whose opinions did not
matter thought about him?
Remus's fear of the Slytherin boy suddenly evaporated. He squared his
shoulders, raising his chin, as a fierce, bright feeling expanded inside his
chest. Very deliberately, Remus drew his wand, eyes never leaving Snape's.
"You want to see if you can take this 'freak' in a fair fight?"
The Slytherin brought his wand up, suddenly wary.
"Rosier?" Remus inquired. "Lestrange?"
"I don't involve myself in squabbles between half-bloods," said Lestrange with
a disdainful shrug. "Do as you like. But hurry it up, yeah? We're going to be
late for class."
Remus's eyes fixed on Snape's wand. The Slytherin was quick and knew more hexes
than Sirius and James put together, but Snape considered Remus a reluctant
dueler and a weakling, which might make him overconfident. Either way, it was
better to wait for Snape to make the first move.
The Slytherin's grip on his wand tightened a split second before the hex left
his lips. Remus lashed out, shouting, "Protego!" and without pausing for
breath, "Levicorpus!"
Snape's legs jerked out from under him as his curse rebounded harmlessly off
Remus's Shield charm, and he was yanked roughly, feet first, into the air. His
robes fell about his face, blinding him, and his next hex went wide. Remus
Disarmed him easily. Snape yowled and cursed, flailing against the folds of
fabric, hanging from nothing, as the other two Slytherins shouted with
laughter.
Rosier and Lestrange turned away, impatient to get to class, and left Remus
eyeing the boy hanging in the air above him with distaste, as Snape continued
to rain invective down upon him.
"Shut up," snapped Remus, raising his wand warningly.
Snape's mouth snapped shut, as if hexed, and he glowered at Remus, black eyes
burning with hatred.
Remus stepped closer, until they were face-to-upside-down-face. "We're done,
Severus," he said quietly. "I'm not afraid of you. Don't bother me anymore. And
I don't want to hear about you giving any other queer students trouble, either.
From now on, they are under my protection."
He turned on his heel and walked away, head held high, ignoring the Slytherin's
yells of rage. Someone would be along eventually to let him down.
===============================================================================
On the morning of his seventeenth birthday, Remus's roommates barely let him
sleep past dawn. The small package they pushed into his hands contained a
silver filigree pocket watch with his initials and the date inscribed on the
back. Remus blinked back tears. It was the coming-of-age gift traditionally
given to young wizards on the day when they were officially recognised as men.
The gift was more properly given by fathers to sons, but Remus knew his own
parents could not afford anything so fine as this.
"Thank you," he said, swallowing a lump in his throat. "It's beautiful."
"Wear it in good health, friend," said James solemnly, then broke into a grin.
There was another, larger gift, as well. "It's from my Uncle Constantine," said
Peter, ears turning pink. "He wouldn't say what it was."
Remus's eyebrows lifted. He tore off the paper and opened the lid, gazing into
the box in puzzlement as he tried to make sense of the straps, buckles, and
shapes. Then his mouth dropped open and he clapped the lid back on, face
flushing red. There was no mistaking that shape after all the time he had spent
handling Sirius's.
"What is it?" asked his boyfriend.
Remus shook his head, speechless, and tried to shove the box under his pillow,
but Sirius snatched it away from him gleefully. Remus did not try too hard to
take it back; Sirius would find out about it before long, in any case.
"You don't want to know," he informed his other curious roommates.
Sirius frowned as he peered into the box, then his eyes widened. He plucked out
a small sheet of parchment with some directions and a charm written on it. A
grin spread across his face as his eyes scanned swiftly over the words.
"Brilliant!" he crowed, giving Remus a wink. "Well done, Pete's uncle!"
Remus cleared his throat as more heat flooded his cheeks. "Maybe we should go
down to breakfast?"
"Yes, indeed," James slapped Remus on the shoulder, dismissing the mysterious
gift. "Mustn't be late for your lessons, Mr Lupin. The way I hear it, men have
responsibilities."
The intriguing gift from Peter's uncle was only half of what distracted Remus
from his lessons that day. There was another tradition among the boys of
Hogwarts by which they celebrated the advent of their manhood. Remus was not
sure how he would react if his friends tried to carry it out. If they suggested
it, he would just have to tell them no.
But as evening wore on into night, no one mentioned it. Remus's roommates
cleaned their teeth, put on their pyjamas, and got into bed, with no more than
a "good night" shared between them.
Disappointment ate at Remus as he lay in the darkness. Did the ignored
tradition mean that his friends did not consider him a real boy after all? They
could've at least said something, he thought, listening to James's snores and
feeling let down.
His bed-curtains rustled and parted. "C'mon, Birthday Boy," whispered Sirius,
grinning. He grabbed Remus's hand, pulling him out of bed.
"Where are we going?" he asked, but his heart leapt because he already knew.
Last month, when Peter had turned seventeen, the four of them had sneaked out
of the castle after curfew, and gone down to the lake. There, they had, with
much giggling, ceremonially stripped Peter, and thrown him off the dock, into
the dark, chilly water. Peter had shrieked and laughed and splashed, and
finally paddled his way back to shore, shivering. James had presented him with
a towel, intoning, "Now you are a man, my son." Swimming in the lake at night
was against school rules, but the staff considered the birthday swim a harmless
tradition, and turned a blind eye to the practice.
Silently, Sirius retrieved the Invisibility Cloak from James's trunk and threw
it over both of them. Then he took Remus's hand and they were away, running
down the steps and out of Gryffindor tower.
It was a cold, clear night. The grass whispered under Remus's bare feet and a
bright silver moon lit their way as they dashed across the grounds and down
towards the lake. At the short wooden pier that extended out over the water,
they cast off the Cloak.
Remus hesitated. "Sirius --"
"I knew you wouldn't be comfortable undressing in front of the others," said
his boyfriend, taking his hands, "so I told them to skip it. I thought maybe if
it was just me ...." The hopeful note in his voice trailed off.
Remus looked away, shoulders tensed. "You wouldn't like it. Seeing me. I look
all wrong. If you saw, you might not be able to forget about it when we're -
- together. You might not want me anymore."
A hand rose to touch Remus's cheek, turning his face back. "I saw you once. I
know what you look like, Remus. It doesn't bother me."
"That was only for a second, and it was before. You weren't thinking about -
- things yet."
"I'd been thinking about things for a while before that, Remus. I just never
thought you'd be interested."
Remus stared at him. "You were?"
Sirius nodded, grey eyes dark in the moonlight. "You're not disgusting, Remus;
you're just different. There hasn't been a moment since we started that I've
regretted, or that I've wished you weren't exactly who you are. Trust me."
His lips were warm on Remus's, but still he shivered. He did trust Sirius, but
that did not mean he was not afraid.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped away. If he was a man now, he should act like
one, Remus decided; not let himself be ruled by fear. He could not meet
Sirius's eyes, but he did not ask him to look away, either, as he slowly
removed his robes and raised his hands to the buttons of his pyjamas. He did
not need to ask; Sirius did not watch him, but turned aside and began to shed
his own clothing. Remus dropped his pyjama shirt on top of his robes before
pulling loose the drawstring of his trousers and letting them puddle around his
feet. His fingers shook as he removed the binding from around his chest. His
pants went last of all.
The cold air and moonlight felt strange on his skin. Remus had never felt so
exposed. He hugged himself, barely noticing the chill in the air.
Sirius turned towards him, bathed in silver light, and held out a hand.
"C'mon," he said softly.
Feeling as if he were in a dream, Remus's hand drifted up to touch Sirius's.
Then they were running, rough boards under their feet, hands clasped together,
to the end of the pier and out, flying into the night air. The shock of the icy
water startled a shriek from them.
"Last one to the big rock is a Slytherin!" called Sirius, and he was off,
splashing mightily.
Remus struck out after him, laughing. Neither of them were particularly strong
swimmers. Remus had learned when he was young, but had not swum since his chest
started to develop. Sirius had never learned -- the Black family had views
about proper activities for well-bred young wizards -- but could perform a
surprisingly fast dog-paddle. The water felt good rushing over Remus's skin,
numbing him, and his arms and legs felt strong as they pulled him along. He
reached the rock a few lengths ahead of Sirius, and clung to it, gasping.
"Looks like the Sorting Hat was wrong after all," he teased.
Sirius grinned. "Would you still want to be with me if I was in Slytherin?"
Remus kissed him. "I'd want to be with you, even if you and Snape were
conjoined twins."
"Eugh," shuddered Sirius. "Thank the Founders we're not! But if I still had
you, I could probably find a way to live with it."
His arm circled Remus's waist, drawing him close for a more thorough kiss.
Their mouths were the warmest part of them. Remus could feel every inch of cool
skin touching down the lengths of their bodies. It felt good. He loved being
this close to Sirius.
They stumbled back out of the water, laughing and shivering and holding hands.
Remus had forgotten his wand, but Sirius's was in the pocket of his discarded
robes. He performed quick Warming and Drying charms on both of them. When Remus
bent to pick up his clothes, Sirius called him back, slipping his arms around
him, pulling him close. For long moments, they simply held one another.
"There's nothing wrong with being different, Remus," Sirius murmured into his
hair.
Remus pressed his mouth to Sirius's shoulder. "I don't want to be different."
"I know." Sirius's arms tightened around him. "We can keep looking. If there's
an answer, we'll find it. But Remus, even if we don't -- if we never do, and
this is the way things always are, there's one thing I want you to remember."
He drew back, tilting Remus's face up to meet his eyes. "You are the man I fell
for."
Sirius's kiss was soft on his lips. Remus could not speak. His throat had gone
painfully tight, and he worried that the moonlight would betray the sudden
moisture clinging to his lashes. He wished he could tell Sirius everything he
felt for him, but there was too much, and it was too huge to put into words.
Remus cleared his throat. "L-let's go to bed."
A wicked grin spread across Sirius's face. "And try out the gift from Pete's
uncle?"
"Maybe." An answering smile tugged at the corner of Remus's mouth.
He would find a way to tell Sirius how he felt about him later.
End Notes
     Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this story, consider checking
     out one of my other Wolfstar AU romances:
     A_Cure_For_Nightmares - The Marauders attend an English boarding
     school in the 1970s. Remus is the new boy in their dorm. Sirius is
     out to his friends, but Remus is closeted, not very friendly, and a
     little mysterious. Both boys suffer from PTSD because of childhood
     trauma. Lots of smoking weed, sharing secrets, and climbing into each
     other's beds at night.
     Highland_Fling - Sirius is a wealthy American who has just graduated
     from high school, and is on a solo backpacking trip through the
     Scottish Highlands, when he meets Remus, working behind the bar at
     his aunt's pub. Remus is out, sexually experienced, and suffers from
     a chronic illness. Sirius is closeted, and only realises he might be
     interested in men after meeting Remus. They have a one night stand,
     but Sirius can't stop thinking about Remus, and wishes their
     relationship could be more. Remus had his heart broken recently, and
     is reluctant to get involved with a wealthy tourist. There's a short
     sequel, Wolf_Stone_Jewelers, with a marriage proposal.
     Discards - Sirius is an assistant librarian at the Seattle Public
     Library. He is also trans. Remus is a homeless community college
     student. He's also HIV+ and a sex worker. After being rejected by
     their families, both of them fear rejection by the other if the truth
     about their lives comes out. Rather than hiding that they have
     secrets, they agree to keep some things private, for now. But when
     all their secrets are unexpectedly revealed, they have to figure out
     if they still want to try to make a relationship work. This story
     features Japanese-American Sirius, Latino Remus, Jewish Lily, and
     Black James. There's a short sequel, Discards:_Commencement, set
     during Remus's college graduation.
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