Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13724721.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Fandom:
      Shadowhunters_(TV), The_Mortal_Instruments_Series_-_Cassandra_Clare
  Relationship:
      Magnus_Bane/Alec_Lightwood, Alec_Lightwood/Original_Female_Character(s)
  Character:
      Alec_Lightwood, Magnus_Bane, Original_Female_Character(s), Isabelle
      Lightwood, Jace_Wayland, Maryse_Lightwood
  Additional Tags:
      Sexual_Abuse, Past_Child_Abuse, Sexual_Content, The_Author_Regrets
      Everything
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-02-18 Words: 5916
****** To Suffer in Silence ******
by to_love_a_lightwood
Summary
     Alec keeps freezing up when things get heated with Magnus, and Magnus
     finds out why. Turns out, Alec had a much rougher childhood than
     Magnus could have imagined.
     Rated Explicit to be safe. Dark themes here, guys. Please heed the
     tags.
Notes
     This story deals with manipulation, rape and child abuse, so read at
     your own risk. Not beta read, so all mistakes are mine.
See the end of the work for more notes
   Magnus tugged on Alec's hair, trying to pull him closer to deepen the
passionate kiss they were sharing. His boyfriend moaned in response as he
explored Magnus's mouth, his tongue sliding against Magnus's bottom lip.
     This was all familiar territory. Though they had only been together for a
month, Alec was certainly getting the hang of things. All of their dates had
ended in some pretty steamy make-out sessions, if Magnus's centuries of
experience had anything to say about it. It had taken a while for Alec to come
out of his shell a bit, but once he warmed up to Magnus he was more than
willing to kiss him like this. With both of their shirts on the floor and
Magnus straddling Alec's lap on Magnus's couch, Magnus had to admit this was
probably the best night he's had in years. Of course, every night he spends
with Alexander feels that way.
     Alec's hands slid from their position on Magnus's waist to rest, a bit
hesitantly, on his behind. Magnus broke out of his thoughts. This was pretty
new. He had never initiated contact before without being told it was okay. Alec
recovered from his momentary hesitation quickly, squeezing Magnus's ass.
     Magnus moaned against his boyfriend's mouth, moving his own hands to
Alec's chest. As much as he was loving this, certain parts of him were getting
far too into it for his liking. He didn't want to scare Alec away or make him
feel like he had to do anything. He should probably put an end to this soon.
     But Lilith, he loved this. He supposed he could give himself another
minute of bliss before stopping it. He allowed his hands to roam Alec's chest,
starting up at his collarbones and going down over his shoulders before coming
back to feel his muscled stomach. He felt Alec tense a bit and shiver under his
touch. Yeah, Magnus should probably stop now.
     Magnus pushed gently on Alec's chest, signaling him to stop. He pulled
back, trying not to notice how absolutely heavenly Alec looked right now. His
lips were red and swollen, hair mussed from where Magnus had run his fingers
through it. His jaw was clenched, however, and Magnus could practically see the
tension in his shoulders. He didn't look Magnus in the eye. "I'm fine."
     Magnus sighed softly. "Alexander, it's okay."
     Alec was shaking his head, starting to wring his hands subconsciously.
"No, it's not. I'm okay, I swear."
     Magnus didn't want to argue with him, but he knew he was lying. "Can you
look at me please?" Alec refused, stubbornly staring at his lap. He was
probably frustrated with Magnus for stopping him, and embarrassed that he was
glad they had stopped. Gently, he said, "Alexander, please tell the truth. Was
it Kristen?"
     Alec tensed up more at her name, holding back a flinch. He looked away
from the two of them, over to the floor next to them. That was enough of an
answer for Magnus. Magnus shifted back, climbing off of Alec to sit next to
him. He put a hand on Alec's arm. "You have nothing to be ashamed of,
Alexander."
     Alec's face contorted a bit at that. "You don't understand."
     "I won't try to pretend I understand what you're going through," Magnus
told him. "You don't have to tell me anything you're not willing to. But if you
want to, then I'll listen and try to help you."
     Alec shook his head, clenching his hands into fists. "I want to," he
whispered. "Magnus, I want to tell you, but I- it's not..." He paused,
frustratedly trying to word his sentence the way he wanted it. Magnus waited
patiently, knowing sometimes his Shadowhunter had trouble saying what's on his
mind. "It's bad, Magnus," Alec finally said. "It's not what you'd expect. You'd
be disgusted with me."
     "Impossible." Magnus placed a hand on Alec's clenched fist, trying to
relax him. "Alexander, I could never be disgusted by you."
     Alec finally looked at him. He didn't quite make eye contact, but he was
looking at Magnus's face. "You will be."
     Magnus was worried. He knew he could never hate Alec for what had happened
in his past, but the way Alec was describing it was making him nervous. What
did that woman do to his poor boy? He knew she took advantage of him and did
some awful things to him, but that was all he knew about her. Magnus looked him
in the face. "Try me."
     Magnus could tell Alec was uneasy. He was quiet for a few moments,
probably trying to organize his thoughts. After a few minutes, Alec started
talking.
     "It- it started when I was nine..."
               *               *                *
     "Children?" Maryse said to Alec and Isabelle, entering the kitchen right
as they were sitting down to eat the sandwiches Alec had made. A woman entered
behind her, immediately drawing the attention of the two younger Lightwoods.
She was short but thin, dainty looking until you noticed the muscles that lined
her body. She had long golden hair and bright blue eyes, and looked to be about
thirty years old. Alec had to admit, she was beautiful.
     Maryse looked between the woman and her children sternly, warning the kids
to be polite. Even when she was eight months pregnant and slower than usual,
their mother was still intimidating. "Children, this is Kristen Langdon from
the Chicago Institute. She's here on business, so she's going to be our guest
for a while. Kristen, this is my son, Alexander, and my daughter, Isabelle."
     Kristen smiled brightly at them, extending her hand to first Izzy, then
Alec. "It's a pleasure to meet you." Looking at Alec, she cooed, "Oh, aren't
you the sweetest little thing?"
     Alec scrunched his face up a bit. He was not little. This only seemed to
make Kristen smile wider, and she pinched his cheek before retracting her hand.
Maryse smiled down at her son before addressing him and Izzy. "I'm going to
show Kristen to her room. Both of you, behave and help her around if she needs
it. Do you understand?" Both Lightwoods nodded. "Excellent. Now, Kristen,
you'll be staying in the west wing..." Maryse's voice faded as she led their
guest away from the kitchen.
     Izzy took a thoughtful bite of her sandwich. "That was strange."
     Alec nodded. He didn't like how she kept calling him cute. He was nine
years old. He stopped being cute a long time ago. "After lunch, do you want to
go spar?" Alec asked Izzy.
     Izzy's eyes lit up. "Yes!" She may have been only seven years old, but she
loved the thrill she got from training to be a Shadowhunter. Her and Alec ate
their lunch with a renewed energy before cleaning up and racing off to the
training room.
-------------------------------------
     The first time Alec actually spoke to Kristen was the next day. He was in
the library studying his runes when she walked up behind him, startling him.
"Studying, Alexander?"
     Alec nodded, putting his book down open to the page he left off on. "Miss
Langdon? You can call me Alec. Everyone else does."
     Kristen smiled down at him, ruffling his hair a bit. "Okay, but only if
you call me Kristen."
     Alec was going to argue that his parents said calling an adult by their
first name was disrespectful, but he paused. "Okay, Kristen." The name felt
weird on his tongue, but speaking to her like an equal made him feel grown up.
     "Are you practicing runes?" She asked, eliciting another nod from Alec.
Kristen sat down next to him in the chair, making him scoot away uncomfortably.
The chair wasn't big enough for both of them, and his whole left side was
pressed against her right. She showed him a rune on her right forearm. "Do you
know what this one is?"
     Alec nodded, eager to show off his intelligence. After all, he studied
hard every day to make sure he was good enough to make his parents proud.
"Agility."
     Kristen beamed at him. "Excellent. What about this one?"
     Alec looked to her neck, seeing a small rune painted where she was
pointing. "Angelic power."
     Kristen smirked. "Okay, that one was easy. Time for a hard one." She faced
Alec in the chair, leaning forward and pulling the collar of her shirt down
far. Alec immediately blushed and looked away. He could see all the way down
her shirt, and her chest was embarrassingly close to his face. "What about this
one, Alec?" She whispered, pointing to one on her left breast.
     Alec could feel his face turning as red as a tomato as he spared a quick
glance at the rune. "Uh... Fortitude."
     Kristen smiled at him, but it wasn't as beautiful as before. There was
something almost sinister in it, darkening her eyes and making her look
dangerous. It passed in a second, Kristen leaning back and fixing her shirt
like nothing happened. "You're really good at that," she complimented. "You're
so smart."
     Alec was still blushing, but he smiled a bit at that. No one ever
complimented him. "Thank you."
     Kristen cupped his cheek. "You're welcome. As fun as this was, I did have
a purpose coming in here. I was exploring and got a little turned around. Can
you help me find my room?"
     Alec nodded, a little excited that she trusted him so much. He called her
by her first name and now he was showing her around. He felt proud of himself.
He led Kristen to her room, where she smiled and thanked him. She pulled him
into a tight hug, and Alec tried not to notice that his face was practically
buried in her chest. He didn't want to embarrass her. After she went to her own
room, Alec decided to go to bed as well.
-------------------------------------
     From that day in the library, Kristen seemed to take a particular interest
in Alec. She payed special attention to Alec when he was talking and encouraged
him to do what he liked. "You've got something special, Alec," she told him
once. "It's incredible. Don't let anyone forget it."
     Alec found he liked the attention. Normally everyone loved Izzy and
ignored him. She was energetic and beautiful, where he was quiet and shy.
Kristen actually wanted to be with Alec. She would help him study his demons
and Latin, and when he did well she would beam at him and give him a big hug
and tell him she was so, so proud of him. Sometimes she would watch him shoot
arrows straight into a bullseye in the training room and she would ruffle his
hair, saying he was such a good kid. Alec was not used to so much praise, but
soon he found himself craving it, desperate to do whatever he could to make
Kristen happy.
     Two weeks after Kristen had arrived, she found Alec training hard with his
sword. He perked up instantly when she entered the room. "Hi, Alec," she
grinned. "Mind if I join you?"
     Alec shook his head and watched her go to the wall to pick up a sword.
Excitement burned in his veins. He couldn't wait to show her what he learned,
anxious to impress her.
     The two sparred for a few moments. Kristen was better than Alec, her
strength allowing her to lift the sword easier, but Alec was faster and was
buzzing with adrenaline. He managed to block the first few blows she threw at
him before returning some of his own. He suspected she was taking it easy on
him, so he increased his intensity, desperate to prove himself.
     This sudden ferocity caught Kristen off guard, and Alec's sword sliced
deep into her left hip. She grimaced and cried out, dropping her sword in pain.
"Kristen!" Alec said in horror. "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!"
     Kristen managed to laugh a little through the pain. "It was a mistake,
Alec," she said. "It happens. Can you help me to my room?" Alec nodded,
dropping his weapon and allowing her to sling her arm over his shoulders. With
his help, she limped back to her bedroom, Alec apologizing the whole way.
     She closed and locked the door behind them before laying on her bed. "I
think it went deep," she muttered. "You'll have to draw an iratze practically
on top of it."
     Alec just nodded, his excitement over being able to draw a real rune on
someone peeking through his guilt at injuring her. "Just tell me what to do."
     Kristen smiled at him. "You're always such a good boy, Alec. Here, help me
get my leggings off."
     Alec blushed a little, but he complied. After all, it was his fault she
was in this mess, and she was always helping him with everything. He owed her.
     Kristen sat up a bit in her underwear, propping herself up on the
headboard. She pulled at the elastic a bit, hissing as the wound was bothered.
"It's stuck in the wound," she explained. Her eyes darkened. "Can you take
these off, too?"
     Alec hesitated. Wasn't this wrong? As if Kristen could sense why he was
hesitating, she began speaking quietly to him. "Alec, I wasn't going to tell
you this. I thought it would scare you."
     "I don't get scared," Alec lied, trying to seem tougher.
     Kristen smiled again. "Of course not. But I know you're hesitating because
you think this is wrong. I want to tell you a secret, but you have to swear you
won't tell anyone."
     "I swear," Alec said automatically.
     "Okay. The secret is... This isn't wrong, Alec. This is what adults do,
but no one can talk about it. Do you understand so far?"
     Alec nodded. No one is allowed to talk about it, but adults do it.
     "Well, Alec, I don't think you're a kid. You're very mature. In fact, I
think of you as an adult, which is why I'm asking you to do this. I know you
understand the rules and that you can't say anything, so I want you to help me.
Please, Alec. For me."
     It still felt wrong, but it kind of made sense. If people were unable to
tell other about it, it made sense that it should feel special. Alec wasn't
exactly sure what "it" was, but if Kristen was begging him like this, how could
he say no? Maybe this was what being an adult felt like. Alec looked at her
bright blue eyes and nodded. "Tell me how to help. I can handle it."
     Kristen smiled at him fondly. She pulled at her underwear again. "I know,
Alec. You're a smart boy. Now, can you help me get these off?"
     Alec took a breath before pulling them down her legs, carefully avoiding
looking at her. Kristen rolled over and got her stele off the nightstand before
opening her legs and offering it to Alec. "Come here," she invited. He moved
towards her, still not glancing up. Kristen gave him the stele and pointed to a
spot near the gash on her hip. "Draw the iratze there."
     Alec carefully looked only at her hip and drew the iratze. It came out
nearly perfectly, thanks to all the practice he had been doing.
     Kristen sighed as the gash began to heal, the pain fading with it. "Thank
you Alec," she said, looking at him with dark eyes. "Are you ready for the
grown-up part?"
     Alec shrugged. "You can look at me," she said gently, not allowing him to
protest as she guides his face down to look at her. Alec was fascinated, but he
was also horrified. Even though she had told him it was okay, he couldn't fight
down the wrongness building up inside him.
     She grabbed his hand, pulling it towards the part of her Alec had not
wanted to see. She gasped as he made contact, guiding his hand in strange
motions that made her make strange sounds. "Just like that, Alec," she would
say breathily, or she would move his hand and say, "Now right here... Oh God,
yes."
     Alec fought the urge to gag. He wasn't sure what he was doing, or more
accurately, what she was making him do. All he knew was it felt weird. Not just
physically, but mentally. He trusted Kristen, but he was a little scared. He
fought down the nausea building up inside him. He was helping Kristen, he
reminded himself. She was trusting him with this secret. He had to prove he
deserved to be trusted.
     Her voice had been getting higher and louder, so loud Alec was glad that
there was no one else staying in the west wing, because they surely would have
heard her. Finally, she was chanting his name and groaning and for a minute
Alec worried she was in pain, but judging by the way she pulled him close to
her afterwards, whispering words of praise and affection, she was fine.
     "Thank you, Alec," she said, smiling down at him. "I knew I could trust
you. You're so good for me."
     Alec was feeling the wrongness still, but he brushed it off as he was
flooded with love. Kristen was proud of him. Whatever it was he had done, he
had done well.
-------------------------------------
    The next day, Kristen was much more affectionate with him. She seemed to
praise him that much more than usual, and made sure to tell his mother how well
he was doing in his studies. Alec started to think it was because of what he
did last night. He didn't like it, but he enjoyed the attention. He liked
feeling like he was worth something.
     That night, Kristen came into his bedroom and drew a soundless rune on the
locked door. "Kristen?" Alec asked, now wide awake.
     Kristen smiled at him in the witch light-illuminated room. "Hey, Alec,"
she said. "Are you ready?"
     Alec wasn't particularly enthusiastic about doing THAT again, but he
nodded anyways. "I think I remember what to do."
     Kristen smiled at him again. "Actually, Alec, I wanted to do another
thing. The same rules apply."
     Alec was a bit nervous, but he nodded. Anything to make her proud of him.
"I can't say anything. I understand."
     Kristen set the witch light down on his nightstand and climbed on him, her
legs on either side of his. She slid his shirt off, which made Alec try to
cover his chest a little. She grabbed his arms and gently placed them on her
shirt. "Take it off," she whispered. Alec did, hands shaking a bit as he
averted his eyes once more, trying not to look at her bra. Kristen slid her
hands behind her back and before Alec knew it she was completely shirtless in
front of him. She guided his hands to rub at her breasts, making odd noises as
he did something she liked. She trained his hands what to do, eventually
letting go and letting him do it himself.
     After a minute or so of that, he felt her hands trail down his chest and
to his pajama pants. She eased her hand in, going under his underwear too.
"I'll make you feel so good," she whispered, touching him. Alec felt wrong
again, but with her whispering "You're so good for me, Alec," and "You're such
a good boy," he let her do it. She was right-it did feel okay. He could feel
himself getting harder, which was totally unfamiliar to him, but Kristen seemed
to know what was happening and he trusted her. Finally, she stopped and crawled
off of him, laying on the bed and removing her remaining clothes. "Come here,
baby," she said.
     Alec didn't like that new thing, either. It tasted awful and his jaw hurt
but Kristen really liked it. He hoped she would be extra nice to him tomorrow.
     When it was over, and all of their clothes were back on, Kristen hugged
him tight. She spent the next ten minutes whispering things into his ear, how
she loved him and he made her feel good and just how incredible he was.
Although he didn't particularly like what he did, he decided it was worth it if
she loved him this much for it.
-------------------------------------
     The next month went on like that, Kristen coming to Alec's room and
exploring each other with hands, mouths, and eventually other parts, as Alec
had recently learned. Kristen adored him, and even when Alec's younger brother
Max was born and everyone was worried about the baby, Kristen always made sure
Alec felt loved as well.
     Jace was adopted, and everyone in the Institute was fascinated by the new
golden boy, talented beyond belief. Kristen, however, told Alec that he was
better to her and that she loved him more than Jace. Alec and Jace quickly
became close friends, but Kristen always told Alec she loved him more than
anyone else did.
   The longer Jace stayed with the Lightwoods, the more Alec noticed he was
different. Jace talked about girls all the time, but Alec found himself
attracted to Jace. Alec didn't find Kristen attractive like the way she told
him he was all the time. It got more difficult to pretend he liked the things
they were doing, despite how good Kristen was at making him feel nice.
     When Alec got his first mark, Kristen had been so proud of him her praise
had surpassed that of his parents. Alec should have been used to it by now. He
knew his parents were happy for him, but Kristen was so much more affectionate
than they were.
     The days blurred into years, not much changing between Alec and Kristen
until Alec was thirteen. He remembered being in her room with her, preparing
for the night's events when she stopped suddenly, surveying his body. She
noticed some... changes that Alec was going through, and she got a bit
frustrated once the shock wore off. "By the Angel, okay," she had whispered,
mostly to herself. "Alec, do you know what a condom is?" Alec had certainly
learned, as he had had to use one every time from that night on, though he
never asked why.
     After Kristen found out, she didn't see him as frequently anymore. It went
from several times a week to once, if that. She still treated him the same,
even if it was more difficult for him to get hard around her, but her mind
seemed to have shifted. Sometimes, after they were done and he would lie with
her, she would seem closed off. She still showered him with affection, but
occasionally she would get a far-off look in her eyes, and Alec would know she
was thinking hard about something.
     He had freaked out the first time something came out of him when he came.
It wasn't much, just a small white dribble, but Alec had not known what it was.
What they did also felt a lot better than usual, although only physically.
Kristen gave him an understanding smile and told him it was normal, which was
enough for him.
     Soon after that, Robert had decided to give his son "the talk." While Alec
had stuttered and blushed the whole time, it did clear some things up for him.
He still didn't understand all of it, like how his father could talk to him
about it if no one was supposed to do so, but he wasn't clueless anymore.
     One night, after a failed mission when he was fourteen, Alec was drained.
His mother had yelled at him for nearly half an hour-after all, how hard was it
to find one demon and kill it? Alec felt horrible, and without thinking he
found himself outside Kristen's door. She was surprised-after all, in five
years he had never gone to her, she had always come to him-but after she saw
the sadness in his eyes and his slumped posture, she had held him. They had sex
slowly that night. It wasn't quite love making, but it's not like Alec would
know the difference.
     After that first time, Alec found himself going to her when he needed
comfort. While he didn't necessarily enjoy it (and in the five years they'd
been at it so far, he'd never quite been able to banish that feeling that it
was wrong), he found he needed her soothing words afterward like he needed air.
It was a steady reassurance that someone, even if she was not related to him,
was proud of him. She believed in him like no one else ever had.
-------------------------------------
     When Alec was fifteen, everything changed. Kristen's face had twisted in
pain one night when she went to leave. "I... I care about you, Alec. You know
that, don't you?"
     "Of course," he had responded immediately. He didn't have to think about
it at all. It was a fact.
     She smiled, but managed to look even more heartbroken than before. "You've
always been so good, Alec." She left him in his room then, alone and wondering
what was wrong with her.
     The next time they were together, Kristen acted as though nothing had
happened. She showered him with attention, like she had done when he was young.
When she left that night, Alec was reminded of how things between them used to
be. They were less distant then.
     The time after that, though, was a whole different story. Alec had noticed
that she was shaking a bit, despite the fact that she was more passionate that
night than ever before. When they were done, he asked if she was okay. The last
thing he expected was for Kristen to break down sobbing in his bed. Confused,
he had stroked her hair and whispered that everything was okay until she could
speak to him, her voice broken up by tearful hiccups.
     "I'm so- so sorry, Alec. I'm sorry, I'm so sor-ry... This is all m-my
fault, I... I shouldn't have let this get so out of h-hand..." She continued
apologizing and making generally no sense until Alec had calmed her down a bit.
She didn't look at him, leaving without saying a single thing to him. He felt
empty.
     Kristen approached him in the training room the next day, a fake smile
plastered on her face. "Alec? I was hoping we could talk."
     Alec immediately set his bow down and followed her outside. She walked
with him in silence, leading him through the streets of New York until they
reached Central Park. The two sat down on a bench, out of earshot of all the
mundanes there.
     Although Alec had about a hundred questions, he sat quietly and waited for
her to gather her thoughts. Finally, she spoke softly. "Alec, I need to tell
you something. It's- it's going to be hard for you to understand, but... I need
you to listen."
     Alec nodded, placing a hand on hers. "I'm here."
     Alarmingly, Kristen's eyes filled with tears. She took her hand from
Alec's to wipe them away. "I know. You've always been so good for me." She
glanced around, making sure no one was listening, before staring at a woman
pushing her young daughter on a swing set. "Alec... I lied to you. Do you
remember the first time we did anything?"
     Alec thought back, nodding when the memory resurfaced. "I was nine."
     Kristen let out a harsh sob at that. "You were so young. Remember how I
said that what we were doing was an adult thing? How no one could know?" Alec
nodded again. Kristen sucked in a shaky breath. "Well... It is an adult thing.
Children aren't supposed to do it, because it's wrong. It's supposed to be
between two adults, and an adult forcing a child into it... It's a crime, Alec,
one of the worst ones there is. That's why you couldn't tell anyone, because
it's illegal."
     Alec felt like the ground had come out from under him and he was falling.
He felt the blood rushing in his ears. "I'm sorry, Alec," she said. "That
should never have happened to you. If I could take it back-"
     "Why?" Alec asked quietly. "If you knew it was wrong, then why did you do
it?"
     Kristen's voice was remorseful. "I'm a sick person, Alec. I think there's
something wrong with me. I didn't realize it until you hit puberty, but it just
made me think about what was happening and how far it had gone and how wrong it
was that you didn't even know what was happening was not normal-"
     Alec interrupted her again. "Why me?"
     She reached out like she wanted to touch him but apparently thought better
of it, letting her hand fall to the side. "I don't think you want to know," she
started, but Alec cut her off, anger in his voice.
     "I do want to know. Jace was always the golden child. Everyone loved him.
I want to know... I need to know why you didn't. Why you went for me instead."
     Kristen's voice was full of self-hatred. "You were quiet. I figured no one
would find out cause you didn't talk much anyways. You flew under the radar, so
I thought..." She hesitated, casting him a nervous glance. "I thought no one
would notice you if you were acting strange."
     "You mean no one noticed me before, so no one would notice if I were being
abused." Alec's voice was surprisingly steady, considering he felt like the
world was spinning too fast. "That's what it is, isn't it? It was abuse."
     Kristen sobbed, a tear sliding down her cheek. "Alec-"
     He cut her off, giving her a cold stare. "Why are you telling me this?"
     Kristen looked at her hands, clasped so tightly in her lap the knuckles
were white. "I... I hate myself. I hate what I did, I hate what it could do to
you. I just couldn't take it anymore, Alec. You had no idea what we were doing
was wrong. I'd stolen your innocence without you even knowing what was going on
or that it was wrong... I can't do this anymore. I'm going to tell your parents
what I did."
     Alec was slightly alarmed. "What?"
     Kristen tried to look sympathetic, but the guilt overpowered everything.
"I don't care what happens to me. Let the Clave do whatever they want. The
point is, I'm done. I want to tell your family-"
     "But-"
     "They'll be able to help you process everything-"
     "No-"
     "They deserve to know, Alec," she said. "It went on in their home. I
defiled their son for six years without their knowledge. You're going to be
emotional after this, and they can help you by supporting you. And if they want
to cut my Marks off and burn me alive, I'll understand. I deserve that."
     "No." Alec surprised himself, having no idea where this protectiveness was
coming from. "I won't let them. It's not all your fault, it's half mine too. I
wanted it almost as much as you did. I'll tell them that."
     Kristen was shaking her head. "I've always admired your desire to protect
others, Alec, but I can't let you do that. I have to tell them the truth."
     "The truth is I wanted it," Alec stubbornly argued. "I won't let you do
this alone. We'll tell them together."
     Tears were flowing more freely down her cheeks, but she managed to give a
half smile. Her blonde hair was blowing in all directions, her blue eyes dark
and watery. Alec remembered the first time he saw her. He was taken aback by
how beautiful this woman was, the woman who seemed to only pay attention to
him. Now, she was a shell of who she had been. She was no longer stunning or
strong or captivating. She looked pitiful. "Thank you, Alec."
     Alec looked to the mundane woman who had been pushing her daughter on the
swing, but she was nowhere in sight. Silently, he stood up and walked with
Kristen back to the Institute.
               *               *               *
     "How did Maryse and Robert take it?" Magnus asked, speaking for the first
time in what felt like hours.
     Alec flinched a bit, seeming to be yanked back from his memories by the
sound of Magnus's voice. He shrugged. "As expected, I guess. They were furious
with her, ashamed for me... They didn't believe me when I said I wanted it
too."
     A thought took Magnus by surprise. He hesitated, choosing his next words
carefully. "Alexander... Do you still believe you wanted it?"
     There was obvious pain in Alec's eyes. "I don't know. Everyone says it's
not my fault, but at the end, it was me who came to her. I remember what it was
like... She would tell me things, say I was good, and I trusted her. I wanted
it. I wanted to be with her, I wanted to feel like I was worth something-"
     "Alexander," Magnus interrupted gently. "She didn't get arrested for
telling you nice things. She got arrested for taking advantage of you."
     "But Magnus-"
     "Did you enjoy the sex?"
     Alec's mouth gaped open, jaw flexing like a fish out of water. "What?"
     "You heard me, Alexander. When you two were together and in bed and
actively engaging in sexual activities, did you want that?"
     Alec let out a pained noise. "I- no."
     "Then it wasn't sex. Sex is a fun, consensual activity for two people to
engage in. If it was nonconsensual, then you shouldn't call it sex. I don't
want you to associate memories of her with sex."
     "I can't help it," Alec said, grimacing slightly again. "I want to have
sex with you Magnus, I really do, but it's like I'm back there, with her. Like,
if I start to get into it my brain goes on autopilot. I start to think about
the things she liked and then I'd think about how I'm just as bad as she was,
because I didn't stop her-"
     Magnus cut him off gently. "Alec, you can't blame yourself-"
     "I do, though!" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "It felt
wrong every time, but I never stopped her. When I got stronger than her, I
could have stopped her, but instead I came crawling to her doorstep literally
begging her to do it. She was sick for doing it and for lying to me for so
long, but I never did a thing to end it. I'm as bad as she is."
     "Alexander, look at me." Magnus waited for Alec's eyes to meet his. "She
lied to you. She convinced you what you were doing was the right thing. Nobody
blames you for doing it except yourself. No one is disgusted with you or
ashamed because of what happened. You didn't deserve to be taken advantage of,
and everyone you love knows that what happened was not your fault. We only wish
you could see it."
     Alec was silent for a moment, staring at Magnus with a pained expression.
Finally, he let out a sort of choked exhale- a sob, Magnus realized. The
younger boy leaned into Magnus and buried his head on his shoulder, continuing
to sob although he did not cry. Magnus held him as his body shook, realizing
for the first time in years that the abuse he had suffered was not his fault.
From that moment on, Magnus vowed to protect the boy in his arms. He would
never let him go.
End Notes
     Whew, that was a rough one, both to write and read. I apologize for
     making Alec suffer so much. Hope you guys enjoyed the story! Please
     leave kudos or a comment to make an author's day!
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