Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11012145.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shadowhunters_(TV)
  Relationship:
      Magnus_Bane/Alec_Lightwood, Magnus_Bane_&_Alec_Lightwood
  Character:
      Magnus_Bane, Alec_Lightwood, Jace_Wayland, OCs
  Additional Tags:
      Rape/Non-con_Elements, Underage_Rape/Non-con, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional
      Hurt/Comfort, Angst_and_Hurt/Comfort
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-05-27 Words: 2691
****** Til' all my sleeves are stained red ******
by BlazersEtc
Summary
     Alec Lightwood has kept a dark secret for longer than he cares to
     remember. It takes him fourteen years to really open up about it, and
     a certain Warlock is there to help.
Notes
     Before you read this I need to say a few quick things:
     1. The childhood part of the story is based on my own experiences in
     real life. This is not a made up story, and this took a lot of
     convincing for me to post publically. If this is too much for you to
     handle, I'd suggest closing your window now. This writing insn't made
     to make you feel any certain way, it's just supposed to be as honest
     as possible.
     2. The ending his based on what the only friend I've shared this with
     (until now) told me. It would not be everyone's reaction, nor am I
     sure it's the right reaction but it was what I came up with.
     3. The goal of this was not fluff or romance but more healing for
     Alec, with the help of Magnus. I hope that this fic helps others out
     there who are/have struggled with the same thing.
See the end of the work for more notes
Alec is only eight years old when it happens. He doesn't understand the gravity
of it, doesn't understand that what's happening is not normal. It's a night
like any other spent at the Orlando Institute. Alec is staying with a fellow
Shadowhunter, Grayson, for a night of pizza and video games (a mundane thing
that is slowly getting popular in Idris) while their parents work on some
project together. Alec isn't one for video games (why use fake weapons on
fictional zombies when he'll be fighting real demon soon enough?) but he also
doesn't want to make Grayson feel bad for sharing something he loves with Alec,
so he stays quiet and watches from his sleeping bag. Grayson finally gives up
and tosses the controller down on the floor and crawls into his own sleeping
bag, just a foot from Alec's own, and grins at Alec.
"Want to know a secret?" Alec has never understood why Grayson gets so excited
about breaking his parent's rules (Alec knows for a fact that his parents had
told him no video games tonight) and he's sure the next words out of Grayson's
mouth will be ones he doesn't agree with.
"Sure." Alec props his chin up on his elbows and waits for his friends to say
what's on his mind.
"I know of a way for us to be best friends forever!"
Alec's eyebrows furrow, he's never had a best friend before, "Like parabatai?"
Alec hasn't thought about having a parabatai,really, the idea of sharing so
much of himself, half of his soul, with someone else is a little scary (though
he would consider it if it were with the right person); he's not sure Grayson
is that person however, he gets on Alec's nerves far too often for that.
"No, even better! It's a friendship ritual that only the best of friends do. I
saw it on TV."
Alec tries not to look too disgusted at the idea of a mundane tradition but he
frowns a little, not sure what Grayson is talking about, he's never heard of
any mundane friendship ceremonies, then again he doesn't really pay too much
attention to mundanes; But Alec doesn't have many friends and Grayson is one of
the only boys his age that will hang out with him, so how could he say no?
"Um, okay?"
"Awesome!" Grayson grins and slips out of his sleeping bag and comes over to
Alec's, slipping inside with him. Alec moves away slightly, not a fan of people
in his personal space (with the exception of Izzy) but Grayson doesn't back
away, instead he crawls on top of Alec.
"What-"
"Shhhhh. I've seen this tons of times. " Grayson acts like he's done this with
all his friends before and Alec suddenly is afraid to say no, what if he says
no and Grayson doesn't talk to him anymore? What if he doesn't want to be
friends? So Alec doesn't say anything and waits for Grayson to explain.
"When best friends prove that they're best friends they do this thing....they
rub their privates together."
Alec's face suddenly feels hot and he looks around uncomfortably. He's never
been naked in front of anyone before and he would very much like to keep it
that way; but then he looks at Grayson's eyes, eager and almost threatening in
a way. Alec suddenly feels fear unlike ever before, he doesn't want to lose his
only friend.
In the time Alec has managed to go through the thought process Grayson has slid
both of their sweats down to their thighs, bare skin meets bare skin and Alec's
nose scrunches up in disgust. It's weird and he feels...wrong. His stomach
turns the way it does when he thinks about breaking the rules. He can't explain
it but he feels like he's doing something bad and Grayson is just lying there
on top of him. Alec wants to shove him off, tell him he doesn't want to be best
friends if it takes this, but he's too scared to do it.
After a few seconds, Grayson shifts around a little, pressing their penis's
together and causing weird sensations to run through Alec's body. Moments later
Grayson rolls off of him and pulls his sweats back up, crawling back into his
sleeping bag.
"We're best friends now!" He declares, looking excited and happy; but Alec just
feels dirty and wants to go home.
++++++
It's only a year later that Alec makes another friend, Dylan, who is his
partner in crime. He's younger than Alec, by two years, but he understands Alec
more than the other boy's at the Institute seem to and they get along better
than most of the other Institutes kids. They spar together all the time,
training for when they'll finally be allowed to fight with the adults, it's a
long way off but it doesn't seem so far off with Dylan at his side.
Today Alec and Dylan are hiding away in the gardens. Dinner is almost ready and
the usually bright room is growing dark overhead. It's time for Alec to be
going back to his room to where Robert and Mayrse are waiting; but Dylan wants
to stay for a quick spar in the firefly light ('It'll be like a real demon
hunt! All dark with only the lights to guide us!') and Alec just can't refuse
his best friend.
They end up tangled together on the grass after Alec had taken Dylan down with
a kick to the ankles and Dylan is laughing while Alec spits out grass that he
got in his mouth when he tripped over Dylan's fallen form.
"I'm so glad you're my best friend. No one else is this much fun." Dylan's
words are said with a grin but It's in that moment that Alec feels a bit sick.
Best friends. Best friends had to do the friendship ceremony, the one Alec
hated the first time he was told he had to do it.
"You know...there is a thing, that my old best friend told me best friends have
to do to make their friendship official." Alec's voice waivers at the words,
not wanting to bring it up but thinking he has to.
"Really?"
"Yeah, it's uh...I can show you?" Alec suddenly feels so sick to his stomach
that he's sweating and he can hear his heartbeat in his ears. Dylan sits up on
his knees and gives Alec an easy grin.
"Sure man." Dylan agrees, looking at Alec expectantly.
The boys are hidden in the far corner of the gardens, laying on the grass by
the gorgeous flowering bushes. Alec nervously sits up on his knees as well and
grabs at his waistband, moving closer to Dylan.
"Just...uh... pull your pants down a little." Alec says quietly, feeling like
something is very wrong but not knowing what; why does he have such a problem
doing a normal friendship thing?
"I...I don't think this is a good Idea, Alec."
"It's what you have to do to be best friends." Alec's voice is instant, he
needs to get this over with so he can forget it-he sounds scared, even in his
own ears.
"I don't think I want to." Dylan looks as uncomfortable as Alec feels and it
makes Alec feel even worse.
"I thought you said we were best friends?"
"Okay, fine." Dylan easily slides his shorts down and Alec stops him when
they're down far enough for his penis to spring free. Alec does the same and
comes closer, his entire face red and his stomach turning.
"Uh, then we just uh, bump them together and it's done." Alec mumbled, brushing
their bodies together. Dylan nods and lets Alec do it and when Alec pulls back
and pulls his own shorts back up he feels like he's going to throw up.
"There you are! I-what are you doing?" Dylan jumps and quickly pulls his shorts
up, his whole face turning red when he spots his older sister Asa, who's
looking at them with wide eyes.
"Were you just...touching each other?!" Alec's eyes go wide and he does the
only thing he can think of to do- he lies.
"What? No! We were sparring! The fireflies are demons!" Alec thinks the excuse
is close enough to the truth that she'll believe it but she looks unfazed.
"Dylan, we're going back to your room." And with that Asa took Dylan by the arm
and drug him away.
_____
A report is filed only a few days later and Mayrse is livid, ranting on and on
about how silly the accusations are and Alec has never felt so horrible in his
life. He was forced to do this and now he's done the same to someone else-and
it's all because he was too scared to not have friends. Alec wants to cry but
he can't, because if he cries they'll know. They can't know. Not ever.
When the lady from Idris interviews Alec she tells him that if the accusations
are true he'll be sent to another institute, away from his parents, and so when
she asks if they ever touched each other's privates (Alec tries not to squirm
uncomfortably at the words) he lies through his teeth, tells her they've never
touched each other like that, why would they?
When she finally leaves Alec feels like he's done the wrong thing for lying,
but he can't imagine life without Izzy or his parents and he tries to remind
himself that he did the right thing. The charges are claimed to be invalid, the
Lightwood name holding up and Alec's ability to lie paying off.
Dylan's family leaves for the Arizona Institute just two weeks later. Dylan
meets Alec in secret to say goodbye and tells him he's going to miss him for
the rest of his life.
______________
Jace is the first person to find out. It's late, far past midnight, as he and
Jace lay in the gardens together, watching the stars through the glass ceiling.
They've been parabatai for years and Alec still hasn't had the courage to tell
Jace what happened, too afraid that if Jace found out who he'd shared his soul
with he'd never want to see him again.
Alec gets lost in his thoughts and is only broken out of them when Jace speaks.
"I know." Alec looks towards Jace his eyes wide, not quite understanding.
Jace reaches down to take Alec's hand, a gesture that sends butterflies through
Alec's stomach, though he knows Jace doesn't mean it in the way he truly wants,
Jace is just more physically affectionate than verbally and he feels the safest
with Alec.
"You don't have to tell me. I don't need details. But if you need to talk, I'm
here."
Alec nods, a quiet and broken 'thank you' falls from his lips and Jace holds
his hand for the rest of the time they stay in the garden. Alec doesn't give
Jace any details, not really, but now Jace knows and that makes it a little
easier to handle.
_______________________
Alec sighs as he looks up nervously at the roof of Magnus's bedroom, his
stomach is doing somersaults as he waits for Magnus to get home. He knows he
needs to tell Magnus, right now before they get in too deep, before this whole
thing falls apart because Alec is too disgusting to keep around. He doesn't
deserve Magnus, doesn't deserve love. He texts Magnus, knowing he'll lose his
nerve if he has to start this conversation face to face.
Alec: Magnus...what....if I'm a rapist?
Alec tosses his phone to the side and rubs violently at his eyes, Magnus is
going to hate him, as soon as he gets all of the details he's going to end it,
Alec is sure. When the door opens, Alec knows who it is and for once, Alec
isn't excited to see Magnus. There are no happy butterflies in his stomach, no
excited energy running through his veins; he only feels dread creeping in from
every corner.
"Darling, what's this about?" Magnus closes the door behind him and kicks off
his boots before coming lay next to Alec on top of the covers.
Alec bites his lip and looks down at the satiny fabric, his entire body is
shaking and he can already feel the tears coming on.
"I...you know....about when I was younger," Alec had told Magnus the short
version once, over text because he was too scared to say it out loud. "...about
the guy who..." Alec trails off, the look in Magnus's eyes tells him that he
understands without him having to say it. "Well.....a year later....I told the
same thing to someone else. I convinced them. I hated it, I didn't want to do
it, I swear but I thought I had to! I...Magnus, what if I'm a rapist?"
Alec is crying now, his heart feels like it's breaking because his younger self
didn't know what sex was, he'd never been told and he didn't watch TV, but now
he did know what it was and he'd been carrying it around for so long that he
felt as if he was breaking. No demon attack had ever made him feel this
worthless. Magnus easily pulled Alec into his body, wrapping his arms around
Alec the way that always helped soothe the other when he didn't feel well. When
Magnus had first learned of Alec's past he'd been careful with touch, as if it
would set the taller boy off, but Alec had quickly set the record straight,
saying that as long as he wasn't angry, he preferred touch when he was upset.
"You are not a rapist, Alexander. You were a child, you didn't know what was
happening to you. You didn't do anything wrong."
Magnus's voice is so full of sorrow that Alec can hardly stand it, he sobs into
Magnus's chest and shakes his head.
"I'm a horrible person, Magnus. How can you possibly still want me, knowing
that I did that? I should have known it was wrong. I'm just as bad as the
person who did it to me. I shouldn't have suggested it, I should have-"
"Alexander, listen to me. You didn't know any better. You were told it was the
right thing to do and you did it, even though you didn't want to, because you
thought it was the right thing to do. When you suggested it, you still thought
it was the right thing to do. You were an innocent child, Alec. I know you, you
would never hurt someone on purpose. You don't need to feel guilty about this."
Magnus gently rubs at Alec's back as Alec cries, Magnus's words soothe him in
ways he didn't know were possible. He'd needed to hear those words for so many
years, but he hadn't had the courage to tell anyone the entire story until
Magnus, and now that he had he felt like a weight had been lifted, at the same
time his whole body felt numb from terror.
"I....I wish it had never happened. I feel so...so horrible. How can you
possibly want me?" Alec's voice is quiet and broken, ready for Magnus to
realize how horrible he is and leave him behind.
"Because of that. You feel bad because you're afraid that you hurt someone,
that you broke a rule or that you're a bad person...because that is who you
never want to be. You always want to be the best you can and hurting
someone....that's not something you'd ever want, Alec. I don't blame you for
any of it. I love you, Alec."
Alec can't find words, instead, he clings harder to Magnus and cries into his
shoulder.
Later Alec will thank Magnus, later he'll try to write the words he needs and
end up failing at them and Magnus will smile and tell Alec he doesn't need
grand gestures of thanks for what any decent person should do-and Alec will far
even farther in love.
End Notes
     Thank you for reading!
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