Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/570601.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural_RPF
  Relationship:
      Jensen_Ackles/Jared_Padalecki, Genevieve_Cortese/Jared_Padalecki
  Character:
      Jeffrey_Dean_Morgan, Misha_Collins, Christian_Kane, Steve_Carlson,
      Michael_Rosenbaum, Tom_Welling
  Additional Tags:
      Homophobia, Angst, Jealousy, Nostalgia, Alternate_Universe, writer!jared,
      Friendship, Infidelity, fallible!boys, Coming_of_Age, Bisexuality, Oral
      Sex, Anal_Sex, Underage_-_Freeform, Boys_Kissing, underage_fumbling,
      Flashbacks, the_80's, The_90's, Frisco, Texas, Jeff's_moustache,
      top!Jared, bottom!Jensen
  Collections:
      Supernatural_and_J2_Big_Bang_2012
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-11-22 Words: 37432
****** Those Were The Days (My Friend) ******
by antarshakes
Summary
     It’s 1997 and Jared’s back in his small Texas hometown that he vowed
     he would never come back to. With a writer’s block and a fiancé left
     back in San Francisco and no desire to tell anyone about it, he runs
     into his three childhood best friends Mikey, Tommy and the guy who
     has been the cause of Jared’s vow: Jensen. Now that Jared’s back, he
     needs to reconcile who he once was and what he has now become. But
     with the help of the people who used to know him better than he knew
     himself, Jared might be able to figure everything out.
Notes
     Written for the SPN/J2 BigBang Challenge 2012 - This fic was inspired
     by the Mary Hopkin’s song: Those Were the Days and by one of my
     favorite books: Sleepers by Carcaterra.
See the end of the work for more notes
[yearbook.jpg image by lostXinspiration]
Prologue
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
Prologue
Dear Reader,
You might’ve found this book in some obscure section of some tiny independent
bookstore. But obviously you’ve picked this book up for some reason and are now
reading this sentence. For that, I thank you.
The story I have to tell, is not necessarily a gay story as much as it is a
coming of age story. Just because the experience can be partially dubbed
“homosexual” I will forever be condemned to the said obscure ‘gay lit’ section
with an anonymous looking cover.
But if it were not labeled as gay literature, where else would it end up? Who
would read this? What worth would my story have?
I cannot answer these questions, for I am only one person with a certain
experience. All I can hope for is that in some way, my story, my experience in
some way, has something to contribute to some person who felt the need to look
in the obscure section.
I will start my story, the only place really worth starting: the summer I fell
in love for the first time and got my heart broken as well. The summer that
shaped the years that followed.
It’s in some ways wonderful to think back to that summer but in more ways
painful. It was all about Jensen you see. Jensen understood me in more ways
than I understood myself or was understood by anyone.
However, in order for me to tell you my story, I will have to tell you the
story of my three best friends, who helped me grow and helped me find my way
back again like a prodigal son returned.
Tommy and Mikey, this one is for you as well, you crazy bastards.
Love,
Jack.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
                                   Part ONE
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
Present day; 1997
“Baby, are you done up there?”
“Almost,” Jared says, absentmindedly. He came up here to pack up some old
belongings, but he’s been staring at an old childhood picture for half an hour
now. In the middle of the picture is the seven year-old version of Jared
himself. Laying in the grass next to him is Jensen at ten. Mikey and Tommy,
both nine years old, are lying on either side of Jensen and Jared, grinning up
to the camera. The picture says June ’77’,about twenty years ago.
Jared can’t think back to those days without feeling the sweet pang of
nostalgia, squeezing his throat tight until he can’t remember the taste of the
soda at Jeff’s Soda Shoppe, can only hear Jeff’s booming laughter but can’t
remember if he had a moustache. Most of all, he can’t think back to those days,
back to his three best friends in the whole wide world, to the kind of
friendship still to be encountered even now when he’s a full grown man, without
feeling like complete and utter shit and yet happy at the same time.
He thinks of the lyrics ‘those were the days’but he can’t remember the artist.
Those really were the days. There were no worries, no big life decisions to be
made, no weddings to be planned. Girls were still icky and his biggest concerns
were his three best friends and his momma.
Jared fingers the picture, smiling at the memory of the day he first met his
best friends. His finger lingers on the too-sweet face of the boy who later
became so important to him.
Jared feels the air in the attic pressing in on his lungs and he wants to run
away, can’t stay here and dredge up those memories, no matter how sweet some of
them are.
There’s a small nagging voice in the back of his head. Something telling him to
ask his mother how the guys are doing. Are they still here? Do they ask about
me? Are they married?
Is Jensen okay?

His momma never mentions them though and she never asks Jared questions he
doesn’t want to answer.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
1977
Jared watches the three older kids standing outside the store. He recognizes
the neighborhood kids: they’re always together. The Three Musketeers. Sure,
they play with the other kids, but they play as a whole group, a group of
three.
Jared’s momma is picking out a new camera: a gift from his daddy because he
couldn’t be there for their anniversary.
Mom’s picking out a really fancy one and Jared can see how the kids outside the
store look at it with awe. The oldest one is looking right at Jared, and Jared
finds himself smiling and waving, before quickly dropping his hand. He doesn’t
want to be weird. The older boy smiles though, and waves back at Jared.
“Jared, honey?,” his mom asks. “Would you like to invite your new friends
over?”
Jared’s not sure if the boys would want to play with him. They’re way older
than he is.
“It’s okay sweetie, you guys can play with the hose in the backyard. I’m sure
they’d love that. Go ask them.”
Jared gives his momma another hesitant look and decides that if he wants to
play with the older kids he has to behave like an older kid.
“Hey new kid!” One of the older boys greets him. He’s a bit chubby with big
blue eyes and short brown hair. He’s wearing a weird hat. Jared’s never seen
one of those before.
“That y’r mom buyin’ one of them fancy cameras?” The other kid asks. He’s thin
but he looks nice with his soft blue eyes and thick black hair. They all seem
very curious.
Jared looks at his feet then and shuffles them around; he’s afraid to ask them
now, worried about asking a stupid question and then they won’t like him and
they’ll never talk to him again.
“What’s your name, new kid?” The boy who waved at him asks now. He’s definitely
the oldest because he’s taller than the other boys. He has long blond hair that
almost falls in his eyes and his eyes are the greenest Jared’s ever seen. He
smiles at Jared and Jared feels like maybe they won’t hate him or push him
away.
“Jared,” he says softly. “What’s yours’?”
“Well my name is Jensen, this here is Tommy and the one with the weird hat is
Mikey.”
“It’s a Kippah Jen! You know that,”  Mikey whines.
Jensen bends forward then, as if he wants to share a secret just with Jared.
“Mikey’s Jewish,”  he mock-whispers and Jared doesn’t know what that means but
he laughs anyway.

When Mike hits Jensen, they all laugh and Jared feels like maybe he’s part of
them already. He dares himself to ask them to come play with him.
“Would ya guys like to come play with the hose in my backyard? My mom said it
was okay!” He blurts out in one big breath.
Mikey and Tommy look up at Jensen and Jensen looks back at them and then back
at Jared.
“You live in them big houses dontcha?” Jensen asks then, clucking his tongue.
Jared feels his cheeks get hotter as he nods.

“So you must have a big backyard then,”  Jensen continues.
Jared looks at his shoes, fearing the rejection.
“I guess if it fits all four of us, we can play water-war!”
Jared looks up to see all three boys grinning widely at him and at each other.
He feels small flutters of excitement go through him and he can't wait to play
with them.
He wants to run back in the store and grab his momma, but when he turns, his
momma’s already there, standing in the doorway smiling softly at him.
“You boys ready to get wet?” When they all nod fervently at her, she stops them
with her hand raised. “First we ask your mothers, boys.” Jared groans along
with the rest of them, but they all fall into step with Jared’s mom.
“They’re probably at Jeff’s Soda Shoppe,”  Tommy says and in one breath adds,
“my mom’s working right now and Jen and Mike's moms stop by there when they’re
done with their hair at the beauty parlor. So I guess we can go there right
now!”

Jared’s mom leads them to Jeff’s Soda Shoppe and Jared’s never been here
before. The place is cool inside and he can hear the refrigerator buzzing. The
chatter inside stops as Jared’s mom walks towards Jeff, asking him which ladies
are the boys’ mothers.
Jeff smiles at his mother the way a lot of men smile at Jared’s mom but Jeff
soon lets out a very loud laugh which in turn makes his mother laugh and he
shares a look with the other three boys.
A very young woman with a uniform on comes over and plants a big wet kiss on
Tommy’s cheek, which makes Tommy squirm, trying to wipe off whatever is on his
cheek.
The other boys don’t laugh at Tommy though, and Jared’s glad. He can’t imagine
ever wanting his momma to not kiss him.
Jared’s mom tells her the boys are coming to their house to play and that she
can drop them off later if it’s necessary.  As soon as Tommy’s mother nods and
tells her that she’ll pass it on, Jared’s not listening anymore, neither of
them care as they all dart out of Jeff’s shop and start running towards Jared’s
house.
Jared still has short legs and can’t keep up with them, but they all slow down
enough so that they all match in their speed. They don’t point it out, they
don’t discuss it and they all just do so without being asked.
That afternoon, they bond over over-attentive mothers, their cherry-red kisses
and water-war.
Some time later, when their skins have turned red and the grass is so wet it
squelches under their bare feet, Jared’s mom makes them gather near each other
and whips out her brand new camera.
“Say cheese boys!”
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
They’d call me Jack, as in Jack Kerouac. When I first encountered On the Road,
I was entranced. How could I not be? I couldn’t stop reading and rereading,
imagining myself on an open road encountering all those crazy characters. I
guess dreams of faraway had always been in my person. Back then the most I
could imagine was Jensen as the Dean to my Sal. Although, Jensen would always
be a way better friend, there were definitely no girls involved and Tommy and
Mikey would be sitting in the back.
Jensen was the one who came up with the nickname after they found out that you
couldn’t disassociate books and me. Wherever I went, a small, cheap, pocketsize
book would be stuck in my pants. I would just flip them out at random, trying
to seem nonchalant about it in my own awkward way. You can probably guess where
my love for books has led me.
I had a penchant for writing and making up stories. Boy did I love to make up
stories. There were many nights where we’d all gather on the roof of Jeff’s
Soda Shoppe, spooking each other with urban legends and other silly ghost
stories. One time, I swear, I almost made Mikey cry.
We all had our own quirks and nicknames accordingly, but we only ever used them
in specific situations: most likely when we would tease each other, which was
often.
We’d call Mikey ‘Cheeks’, because the chubby bastard always had something in
his mouth, candy or whatever, earning him the name ‘Sweet Cheeks’, but it soon
became ‘Cheeks’ when Mikey punched Tommy for calling him ‘Sweet Cheeks’. That
was the only time Mikey ever lifted a hand on Tommy might I add. Those boys
were the definition of brother from another mother and Mikey was fiercely
protective of Tommy and vice versa. Mikey was the one person you could rely on
to make you laugh when all else failed. If there was a fight, a few words from
Mike and he’d have both parties in laughter and the fight would be forgotten. I
took me a while to realize what being Jewish meant, even though Mike himself
wasn’t a really good example. In the small Texas town we’d moved to, it was
never an issue. If any of the kids even dared to call Mikey anything that was
remotely similar to an insult about it, all three of us would be on top of that
person. Our little insignificant Texas town wasn’t really like the others, it
was our world, our oyster and boy was it special.
If Mikey was the soul of our group, Tommy was the heart of it. We’d all call
him ‘Rembrandt’ after the Dutch painter, of course back then we only knew that
it had something to with something artsy. Tommy drew like the best of them with
his favorite subject being Mike and his many shenanigans or just Mike with his
kippah. Tommy was often weak because of his asthma and was skinnier and smaller
than all of us. One smile from him though, and you’d readily give up your extra
cookie. Girls especially, adored him. He was a wise kid, far too serious, but
hanging out with Mikey loosened him up like no one else could. We could always
rely on Tommy to tell us what the right thing to do would be. And yes, he was
always right.
 Tommy was often found at Mikey’s place, the only person he confided everything
in, the same way it was with me and Jensen. Whenever Tommy’s mother brought
over a new boyfriend, Tommy made sure he could spend time somewhere else. And
we all made sure he’d have a place.
Jensen ‘The Face’ Ackles.  Boy did we give him crap for that. Jensen was almost
three years older than the rest of us, which automatically made him the leader
of the gang. He would always come up with pranks and whatnot, but was the one
person you could always rely on to be honest and just. For some reason, Jensen
felt the need to constantly prove himself. Maybe because he was often called
‘too pretty for his own good’ and for some crazy reason was considered ‘too
pretty’ to think for himself or even throw a decent ball. It made him want to
be the best in sports, all kinds of sports, and he was. We never made fun of
him because of his looks or anything, but we did give him the nickname ‘Face’
to tease him with the stupidity of other people.
Jensen was also the most experienced of us all, since he was the first person
to ever get a girlfriend at the age of twelve. I only ever saw him with Jane
once, they were sharing an ice cream cone and I remember running away when I
realized I had been staring and that I had been caught. Jensen never did
mention her again after that.
I guess my obsession with Jensen started pretty early. Tommy and Mikey would
always giggle about girls and boobs and Jensen would watch on in amusement and
I would haughtily call them childish and immature. I mean, of course, by then
with my extensive reading and all, I was very well aware of women and their
‘things’ and at the age of fourteen I wasn’t even slightly impressed by them.
Tommy and Mikey would laugh and push at me and say “just you see, Jack! Even
you cain’t not drool when ya see Becky’s boobs through her shirt!” Yeah, that’s
how they would talk, like little hillbillies, as did I.
1983 was not just any summer: it was the summer that I would start High School,
the summer my voice started to go weird, the summer my legs could finally help
me outrun Jensen and the summer I found out what love was. It was the summer
that I would think back to every summer that followed: the summer that changed
everything.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
Jared wakes up to pans smashing together and he groans. For a minute there he
forgot that he was back at his mom’s house instead of in San Francisco, next to
his fiancé. He rubs at his face, the guilt eating away at him. He’d left Gen,
with a: “family drama, call you soon,” and it’s been three days.
His mom is finally marrying Jeff after forever being together, asking Jared to
come down and help out with the wedding and the new house. Apparently, Jared
didn’t know how fast to drop everything and come here for an undetermined time.
Getting away from Frisco (‘nobody from SF calls it Frisco, Jared’), from his
new fiancé, one he hasn’t even told his mom and Jeff about, was apparently
exactly what he needed.
He refuses to think about his reasons. He’s sure he wouldn’t like them anyway.
All he knows is that his publicist is breathing down his neck asking about the
new book that Jared can’t seem to crank out. One shitty novel that happened to
sell well and now they want more and Jared doesn’t know how to deliver.
He rolls over to his side, reaching for the phone and dialing their house
number in Frisco. He forgot to mention that to his mom and Jeff as well. Six
months they’ve been together, two months since he asked her to marry him.
A sleepy voice on the other end answers.
“Hey baby,”  he says softly. “It’s me.”
“Jared?” She sounds instantly awake. “God, honey, where have you been? I’ve
been worried sick. I’ve been trying your cell the entire time, but I keep
getting your stupid voicemail. And the number you left was missing a digit, you
ass and I haven’t been able to reach you.”
He sighs. Of course he would be the kind of asshole to not even leave proper
information behind.
“I’m so sorry baby, I forgot my charger. Things were so hectic and—“
“I know- I get that. But you left me here without an explanation or a time
frame and no way for me to find out if you’re dead or alive.”
“Gen, I know okay. I’m sorry. I just got the time to call you and so I’m
calling you. So stop cussing me out and let me listen to your voice for a
little while okay?”
That seems to calm her down and he can hear her smiling from the other end as
she starts in on her past few days. He listens to her for a little while, hm-
huh-ing at appropriate times and putting in his two cents where he can when a
knock on the door interrupts them. His mom’s voice comes through about
breakfast being ready.
“Babe, listen. I have to go, okay.”
“Right okay.”
“I’ll call you soon,” he adds and rattles off the correct phone number. Before
he gets a chance to hang up her voice cuts through again, “Jared… can I tell
people yet?”
He lets out a long sigh, guilt coming back in full force.
“Gen, baby, it’s—“
“Complicated, yeah I know. I just wish…” her voice trails off.
“We’ve been through this, Gen. I swear, soon. But it’s just not right right
now, okay?”
“Yeah, I get it. You should get going.”
“I love you,” he adds.
He sits there staring at the phone for a little while, thinking of what a prize
A asshole he has become. He sighs again, staring at his bookcase for a while,
each read book having its own particular memory linked to it. One in particular
flits by.
1983
“Watcha doin’ Jack?” Jensen asks as he plops down.
“Don’t call me that,” Jared rumbles and then: “Reading.”
“Well watcha readin’, Jay?” Jensen says as he slings his arm around Jared. He’s
instantly sweating more where Jensen’s bare arm is touching his bare back and
he wants to shrug it off, but he doesn’t.
Jared lets out a whoosh of breath and blinks up at Jensen, half-blinded by the
sun. “Poe.”

Jensen smiles at him. “Tell me about it.”
And Jared does. He tells Jensen about the creepy things Poe has written about
as the sun keeps darkening their skin and Jensen keeps his arm slung around
Jared.
Jared rubs at his face angrily. He doesn’t want these fucking images and
memories floating around. But these past few days they’ve been getting worse.
It was easy for a while to ignore them and repress them. He’d had years and
years to perfect that after all. But being back here the memories are slapping
him in the face left and right. Doesn’t matter how hard he tries. Everything
here is linked to Jensen, Mikey and Tommy in one way or another.
He finally gets up, slipping out his room to go about his morning routine. He
looks at himself in the mirror while he brushes his teeth, absently noting that
he needs to shave and probably needs a haircut. He grabs his mom’s fruity
shampoo in the shower and lathers up while another memory forces itself on him.
1983

“What else is new, Jack?”
Jared doesn’t look up from his book. Just gives a small hum in acknowledgement
and continues reading. It’s not the first time Jensen has found him on the
rooftop, reading.
Jensen plops down next to him, arms stretched out to the side. Jared has to
reread the sentence twice, skin buzzing with Jensen’s proximity and his smell.
After a beat or two, he finds himself lost in the book again and Jensen keeps
quiet as Jared finishes his chapter, like he always does.

When a small breeze sweeps by, Jensen lets out a long sigh. Jared looks up
briefly, spotting Jensen with his eyes closed, his fingers near Jared’s head.
He tries focusing on the page again but a few sentences later, Jared feels a
light touch at his nape. Jensen’s fingers tug lightly at his hair, curling it
around his fingers. Jared stiffens at first, but doesn’t think much of it,
letting the rhythmic push and play of Jensen’s fingers in his hair be for what
it is.
After a while Jared finally shuts his book and turns to look at Jensen when a
harsh tug at his hair makes him yelp. Jensen’s eyes fly open at that and he
blinks around owlishly, disentangling his fingers from Jared’s hair.
Jared just gives him an accusing look and rubs his scalp.
“Yeah well, you need a damn haircut.” Jensen scowls and looks around everywhere
except at Jared.
Jared grins at that. “You wish you had my luscious hair, Face.”
“Thanks, but I like my hair manly thank you very much.”
“Yeah but you’d look so purdy!”
Jensen gives a small growl at that, slapping the book out of Jared’s hand.
“Say that again, Jaredina!”
“You’d be the most beautiful princess at the ball, Jenny!” Jared squeals as
Jensen chases him around the rooftop.
“You come back here you little shit!” Jensen yells after him, laughter evident
in his voice. “I’ll shove my girly fists in your face!”
Jared’s laughing so hard he feels his muscles melt, half stumbling and
eventually falling to his knees. Jensen runs into him from behind, turning him
around as they both go down.
He hovers above Jared, leaning on his hands and knees: they’re both laying
there letting out harsh breaths. Jared lets out one last nervous giggle before
his breath chokes as Jensen’s hand brushes across his cheek, brushing stray
hairs from his face.
Jensen must’ve felt him tense up, because Jared notices the exact moment Jensen
does the same. He scrambles away from Jared muttering “we’re cutting your hair
tomorrow,” and walks back to where they were sitting before, resuming his spot
and yelling at Jared to come read him something.
Jared comes back from the memory and notices an involuntarily small smile. He
physically shakes himself and washes his hair angrily, noticing his fattening
dick and refusing to touch it. He’s frustrated and angry and it seems he never
stopped being that idiot kid.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
I got a haircut that very next day. Mikey’s dad was the only barber in town and
boy did he love hair. I kept insisting on a buzz cut but Mikey’s dad kept
trying to persuade me otherwise. I had my mind set, however. He caved of
course, but he wouldn’t go down with a fight, making sound effects of his heart
breaking while cutting and buzzing off my hair.
It was fine and dandy when he showed me the result in the handheld mirror but
it wasn’t until I got home and got a good look at myself that I almost burst
into tears.
My ears looked almost elfish and my eyes seemed too big for my face. God, I
remember that moment. I definitely never cut my hair like that again. I guess
that was my ‘root’ traumatic experience that made me reluctantly cut my hair
maybe once or twice a year with someone usually urging me to do so.
I wanted to hide from the world until I could figure out how to show myself in
public again, but of course, my friends couldn’t leave me alone for more than
half a day.
Jensen, Mikey and Tommy had burst into my room as I was still staring at myself
in the mirror and upon seeing my head and the look on my face, they busted out
in howling laughter. 
I just stood there, feeling sad and ashamed, trying to laugh along but I just
couldn’t get over myself. Jensen seemed to notice, because he walked over to me
and ran his hand over my scalp.
“Lookin’ good, Jack,” he had said. That got a small smile out of me, but for
some reason I wanted to hide from Jensen’s gaze more than I wanted to hide from
Mikey and Tommy’s annoying cackling. I didn’t want him to think that I got the
haircut for him. But some part of me, even then, knew that yes, I absolutely
did.
After a minute or two the novelty of my exposed scalp wore off and Mikey’s
stomach won over their attention.
Mikey begged for ice cream and of course Tommy had to make a comment on that,
resulting in them jumping toward each other to fake wrestle. I looked at them,
my hair forgotten until Jensen turned to me, asking me to come along. I
remembered why I didn’t want to go in public and my face must have shown.
Before Mikey and Tommy could get started on me, Jensen made up an excuse for me
and got them out.
An hour later, they all burst into my room again. I looked at them, not
believing my eyes: in stepped three boys with a similar buzz cut to my own.
Jensen’s green, green eyes and his ridiculous lashes stood out even more now
without his hair covering his forehead. Mikey actually looked more mature and
in the future would continue that same haircut and poor Tommy, oh poor Tommy.
For a few weeks we were the ugliest sons of bitches in town, but none of us
cared.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
                                   Part TWO
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
Jared joins his mom downstairs. It’s a Sunday and Sundays are sacred for his
momma. She whips out every ingredient she has and starts making whatever she
can think of with them and Jared loves it.
He gives his mom a kiss on the cheek avoiding her suspicious look. She always
did have not-so-secret ninja powers when it came to him and his friends. They
could never get anything past her.
His mom places a plate piled high with pancakes with bacon and egg on the side.
God, he has missed his momma, he thinks and then feels guilty for a split
second before his baser needs take over.
“Where’s Jeff?” He asks in between bites.
“Coffee.” That’s all she needs to say. Jeff always takes his coffee on the
porch outside, come rain or shine. He’ll be there.
His mom remains quiet as she takes her seat opposite him. He recognizes her
tactics by now and he refuses to budge under her scrutiny.
“So the packing’s coming along nice,” he adds.
“Uhuh.”
“Not too long before the wedding too.”
“Hm, two months,” she adds.
And the knowledge that he’s going to be here doesn’t bother him.
“You’re still not bringing anyone to the wedding?” she asks.
“I’m the best man,” he says, grinning. “I don’t need a best woman there with
me. It’s a one man job.”
His mom smiles indulgently, but doesn’t add anything to that.
He’s becoming uncomfortable sitting there so he looks towards their front door
and jerks his head in a way that signals what he’s going to do but he states
the obvious anyways. “Imma take this outside and see what Jeff’s up to.”
His mom nods, standing up to pour him a fresh cup of coffee.
“Tell him that I’ll know if he smokes more than two.”
He smiles as he makes his way to the screen door. His mom and Jeff are an odd
couple. Together for almost ten years, nine of which Jeff has been asking her
to marry him, and four years prior to their getting together, he’d been asking
her out. He’s been perfect for her and Jared couldn’t imagine anyone more
worthy. His own dad, great man that he was, couldn’t provide his mom the
happiness that Jeff was more than willing to do. And for that, Jared will
always be grateful.
He spots Jeff in his corner, puffing away. He looks up when Jared approaches
and smiles at him.
“Third?” Jared asks.
“Wouldn’t dare,” Jeff answers with a grin. Judging by the ashtray however, he’s
well probably on his fourth by now.
They sit there in companionable silence while Jeff finishes Jared’s coffee and
Jared clears his plate.
“How’s the book business coming along, boy?”
“Great. Really great,” Jared answers and there’s the split second feeling of
guilt intermixed with a sense of failure again. He doesn’t elaborate and Jeff,
thank God, doesn’t ask further.
They both stare out to where the sun is trying to make its way higher up. It’s
going to be excruciating today. Jared can feel it.
“Your mom’s really happy you’re here, you know,” Jeff adds. “ ’s good of you to
come.”
Jared smiles at him. “I know.”
“And not just her, Jared. Me too. We miss you down here.”
Jared can’t bring himself to say ‘I miss you guys too’ just now. That would
probably lead to Jeff asking him to come by more often, to visit and ‘why
doesn’t he again?’. He knows on a rational level that Jeff wouldn’t say it. But
the unsaid parts are usually more important with him anyways. So Jared remains
quiet.
Jeff gets up from his seat, groaning about becoming an old man and “your mom’s
cracking the whip like she’s training a twenty year old.”
Jared barks out a laugh at that, taking in the changes in Jeff’s appearance
over the years. He’s still sporting that thick black moustache now intermixed
with grey. His hair is a mixture of salt and pepper, but the light in his eyes
gives nothing away about his age.
Jeff smiles back at him for a few moments and then tells him to get his lazy
ass inside.
“I will,” he says. “In a minute.”
He stays there for a few more minutes, just taking in the oh-so familiar
landscape. The summers in Frisco don’t compare to the summers here. He
remembers the summers where they’d sneak up on Jeff’s Soda Shoppe rooftop to
just lie on and bake. Not being able to do more than to swat at flies.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
1983
Since the beginning of the summer, something’s been buzzing underneath Jared’s
skin. He feels it during the nights when his bones ache and he definitely feels
it in the mornings when his shorts are embarrassingly sticky and he tries to
hide the sheets from his mom.
When he yells at his mom or at Mikey his voice cracks, which makes him that
much more angry. The people in question will laugh and tell him that he’s
becoming a man and that he shouldn’t be embarrassed, which makes it even worse.
On top of that, something is going on with Jensen. It’s weird and Jared has
been cracking his head open just to figure out what it is. Jensen has always
been nice, but now he’s really nice. Jared has never felt so… he tries to think
of word that doesn’t make him feel like a girl, but there is none. Jared feels
cherished, exactly like a friggin’ girl. Of course he realizes that his
vocabulary has been heavily influenced by all the novels he reads, but he’s not
sure if his vocabulary also makes him feel like a girl when Jensen acts the way
he acts.
Jensen has always touched him, but it seems as if he’s touching Jared more than
usual. On a rational level Jared can imagine that he might think Jensen touches
him more because Jared has been more aware of his own body, more than usual
these days.
Jared sighs and looks in the mirror, dragging his hand along his newly shorn
hair. It was with Jensen in mind, when he did this. Jensen had said his hair
had been too long and it had stuck in his head. He doesn’t want to examine what
it means except for the fact that he appreciates his friend’s opinion. But then
the bastards all had to go out and get a buzz cut as well. Jared laughs.
They’re a crazy bunch. All of them.
On Tuesdays Jensen works at the grocery store, but Jared doesn’t feel like
doing much in the sweltering heat. So he packs up a lunch and a little bit more
and brings everything with the cooler up on the roof. He tries to read, but the
heat makes him drowsy and soon he’s asleep in just his shorts.
A cool touch on his face makes him sigh in his sleep. Then there’s another
touch on his other cheek and Jared follows the touch. Then there’s a cool hand
on his chest and before Jared’s fully aware he’s doused in sunscreen and Jensen
is cackling. Jared tries to struggle, but he’s still sluggish from his sleep.
Jensen slaps him on the arm and he hisses, not realizing how burned he had
become from lying on the roof in the sun half the day.
‘Damnit, J’nsn,’ Jared moans and hisses. Jensen stops his maniacal cackling
then and sits next to Jared. His hands are still covered in sunscreen and he
spread the rest of it over Jared’s arm, moving up and down, massaging it into
his neck before moving down to his chest. Jared’s stomach is trembling by the
time Jensen reaches his ribs. Neither of them laugh or do anything really.
Jensen just pays careful attention to his other arm and when he’s finished, he
spreads the cream on Jared’s face over his nose, slowly over his cheeks and
forehead. Jensen’s so close that Jared goes cross-eyed trying to follow his
movements. When Jensen’s done, he gets a light slap in the face and a “do your
own legs, lobster.”
Jared squeezes a generous amount on his hands and starts working on his legs,
which seem to have thicker hairs growing on them by the day. Next to him,
Jensen starts lathering himself with the sunscreen because the pale bastard is
usually the one who burns like a lobster and then has the freckles to remind
him of it.
Jared looks at Jensen then and Jensen looks back at him and scowls, muttering
“yeah, yeah”.
They lie down in silence, enjoying the sun while it lasts. Jared flips himself
over after half an hour and lies down on his stomach.
Jensen is the one to break the silence. “Yer back,” he murmurs.
“Who’s back?” Jared murmurs back. Jensen lifts his head and says, “your back,
doofus.”
Jared grunts at that but doesn’t sit up to put on sunscreen again. He hears
Jensen grumbling and then there’s the snap of the cap and cool hands brushing
cream over his shoulders. Jared hums in appreciation at that.
“You good?” Jensen asks and Jared smiles at that moving his shoulders around,
trying to communicate to Jensen that a backrub might be a good idea.
“Seriously, Jay?” He hears Jensen grumble a bit more saying things along the
line that he has to work all day and then come up to give Jared a backrub. But
he’s already straddling Jared’s legs and working his hands up and down Jared’s
shoulders. Jared lets out a sleepy sigh and lies there like a content cat
purring in the sun. But then, Jensen goes lower, working his hands along the
flanks, rubbing his thumbs deep in the spine. Jared doesn’t know what’s
happening to him, except for the fact that he’s getting the familiar feelings
and stirrings in his stomach. He silently freaks out about getting hard, while
Jensen, his best friend is just giving him a backrub.
“Jnsn,” he tries, but Jensen doesn’t seem to hear him, keeping his hands low on
Jared’s back. He’s about to turn around and try to get Jensen off of him when
the door to the roof opens and Mikey and Tommy come stomping towards them. They
stop at the sight of them, exchanging a look.
“Well, well, well. Doesn’t this look nice and cozy.” Mikey drawls.
Both Jared and Jensen remain quiet, looking at their friends. But then Mikey
and Tommy take off their shirts and sit down on each side of them.
‘Do us next, will ya?!’
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
Jared’s about to lose his mind, after nearly a week at his mom’s place, just
packing and cleaning. Jeff and his mom are great, but there’s only so much he
can take. He hasn’t been into town, avoiding it like the plague. He’s just not
in the mood to be running into people who haven’t seen him in years and he’s
definitely not in the mood to tell them what he’s been up to. He wonders if
Tommy and Mikey are still in town, but he’s been too reluctant and frankly,
chicken shit, to look them up.
His mom practically chases him out on Wednesday telling him to ‘go explore the
neighborhood a little’ as if he didn’t grow up here and hadn’t already
discovered every nook and cranny with his friends. But he takes her car and
drives around aimlessly for a while. Taking in the changes, the new shops and
signs, that friggin’ son of a bitch thing called nostalgia nags at him again.
As soon as he finds a bar that seems reasonably far away from town, he parks
his car and makes his way over in hope of some ‘sports, wings and beer!’ just
as the bar advertises.
Jared doesn’t even look at the other patrons as he takes a seat at the bar,
waiting for the bartender to acknowledge him.
 “Holy shit!” The silence in the small bar is almost deafening to Jared’s ears.
A young and very tall man steps forward, looking right at Jared. Another guy
joins him and two pairs of very blue eyes stare at him with recognition.
Tommy and Mikey, two handsome men now, are standing right in front of him.
Tiny Tommy grew up tall, almost as tall as Jared now and that’s no small feat.
He definitely filled out his skinny frame, grew those delicate features into a
strong jaw and handsome, definitely masculine features. His stance is confident
and nothing like the often sickly boy Jared used to know.
Mikey shot up too, stretching all his extra pudge with him. His blue eyes are
as striking as ever and he still has that teasing tilt to his mouth. It looks
oddly charming on his now handsome face.
It seems his goofy friends grew up looking like a couple of male models right
out of some magazine.
Jared opens his mouth and closes it again, the awkwardness level rising by the
second.
In an instant two huge grins break out on their faces and Mikey is the first
one to step forward.
“Come here you morose motherfucker!”
Jared finds himself enveloped in a hug and then another one.
“Jared fucking Padalecki, man!” Mikey exclaims. “Holy shit, you grew up big!”
“Still so eloquent, Mikey, I see,” Jared grins so hard his cheeks start to
hurt. He didn’t know how much he had missed this effortless friendship until he
was back here again, with them. The fear he had, that has kept him away from
them for so long, dissipated the minute he was in their presence again.
They start off with the obvious questions: ‘How’ve you been?’- ‘Great’.
‘Where’re you staying?’ – ‘Mom’s’ – ‘Right… we heard they’re finally getting
married.’ – ‘What do you do now?’ – ‘Write’ – ‘Always knew you’d kick it far,
Jack.’ ‘Forgot about us townsfolk now did ya?’
The nickname slips out so easily for them, it annoys Jared on some very
irrational level. It takes conscious effort not to ask them to stop calling him
that, for fucks sake.
They don’t mention Jensen, not once. And Jared doesn’t ask.
Mikey’s a ‘respectable’ lawyer now, he tells Jared. “Putting that mouth of
yours to good use finally?” Jared teases him. Tommy tells him that he has a
degree in Children’s Psychology and works with various outreach groups and that
doesn’t surprise Jared either. His friends, major goofs, are grown-ups. The
acidic taste of nostalgia suddenly hits him and he forces it away with another
sip of his beer.
Somewhere deep down inside, it hurts to see Mikey and Tommy still so close.
They grew up together and with each other.
Jared clears his throat and tries to think of another topic. “So are you dating
anyone, or have you declared your epic love to each other already?”
Mikey perks up at that and grins lasciviously, plants a smacking kiss on
Tommy’s cheek and grabs for his hand and loudly declares  “Tommy is my one true
love!”.
Tommy goes beet red when they seem to attract attention from the other patrons,
but they all just nod indulgently toward Mikey and go back about their own
business.
Tommy wrangles his hand away from Mikey and jabs his finger between Mikey’s
ribs, making him yelp and pull away.
“So anyway, I’ve actually been dating this girl up north for the past three
years. And Mikey here-" Tommy turns toward Mikey “is destined to be forever
alone, because no woman is good enough.”
“They’re all good enough! It’s not my fault!” Mikey fake-whines, while Tommy
pats him on the back. Jared just let his friends’ antics soak in.
“So, how about you Jack?” Tommy asks.
“Any missus Jack?” Mikey adds.
Jared relaxes in his chair, taking another sip. He thinks back to Genevieve
back in Frisco and shrugs, the lie rolling off of his tongue easily: “nothing
special.”
The boys regard him a few seconds longer and both nod. “Well, we’ll need to get
you a date for your mom’s wedding then, don’t we?”
“Come on guys, I’m the best man. I can’t bring some girl and ditch her the
whole night.”
“Who cares!” Mikey exclaims. “You’re coming to Kane’s Friday and watch our
buddies perform. And all the eligible women will be there and all will be
already riled up due to our friends’ extreme sex appeal. So, you can just pick
them off the floor. Done. Sound good?”
Mikey says it all in one breath and Tommy automatically hands him his beer when
he’s done flailing his arms around.
“Seriously, Jack. Chris and Steve are good buddies of ours and Chris owns the
bar so we’ll have a guaranteed good time.”
Jared nods his head, in that split second he really does want to say yes and
that he’ll definitely be there, but before he can really commit to it: “I’ll
see,” comes out.
The boys both go a little quiet, visibly disappointed and sit back to mumble
“yeah, alright, sure.”
Jared opens his mouth, closes and opens it again. It seems like a good time to
leave now.
Seeing Tommy and Mikey again is great and annoying at the same time. They’ve
all avoided the subject of the one person who is not here and who was the cause
for Jared leaving and probably ruining their friendship.
His friends seem to have it going pretty well for them and on some level that
annoys Jared as well. There’s no place for him here and it seems there never
was.
He drains his beer and sets it down with a little bit more force than he
intended to.
“I have to get back to my mom’s, guys. Thanks for the beer.” It’s an obvious
lie, but they don’t call him on it.
The boys get up to hug him goodbye and it’s Tommy who looks him directly in the
eye and says “it’d be great if you’d come by Friday, Jared.”
Jared nods again and with one last half-hearted wave makes his way outside.
It’s still ridiculously early and the faint itch that drove him to seek out a
bar is back tenfold and he knows he can’t go home now. So, he grabs his car and
makes his way on the interstate to the city, knowing fully well where he’s
going to end up and what he needs to do to get rid of the itch.
The place Jared steps into is packed and very, very gay. There are men
everywhere and Jared wants to leave on principle alone, but remembers he’s here
for a purpose.
He takes a seat at the bar, nursing his one beer, knowing that he’s going to
have to drive for an hour just to get back home. He looks the crowd over,
seeing if any one catches his eye and is in the mood for anything. When the
Eurythmics’ ‘Sweet Dreams’ beats start coming on, Jared is momentarily thrown
back into the past. He played the record grey. Their little group had gone
crazy over the song for several weeks straight.
He decides that a little dancing might work in his favor anyway and makes his
way to the dance floor landing right in the middle of sweaty, half naked men.
It’s not before long that a body presses up behind him, moving along with him,
perfectly in tandem.
The heat from behind disappears and his head gets yanked down, soft lips
enclose over his and he just goes along with it.
The guy stops and when Jared opens his eyes again, he’s turned around and is
dragging Jared towards the bathrooms.
The guy looks good from behind. He’s clad in black slacks and a tight black t-
shirt that stretches across broad shoulders. Whatever hair colour he has, has
been darkened by sweat. Jared follows him to the bathrooms blindly.
The guy pushes him face first into a stall, closes the door and plasters
himself against Jared’s back. “God you’re amazing,” he murmurs. “Killing me
with the dimples.” He gives Jared’s earlobe a quick lick and spins him around
again, going to his knees in the process.
“You remind me of someone,” Jared hears, while the guy is unzipping his pants.
He takes Jared’s dick out and looks up at him and grins. “I would’ve definitely
remembered this.” The guy only has to look up once, and that’s all it takes for
Jared: green eyes look back up to his. Green eyes that have been imprinted on
his brain, belonging to the guy who fucked him up for so long. Those same eyes
belonging to the guy who’s on his knees about to blow Jared in the bathroom of
a gay bar.
Jared pushes him away roughly, tucking his dick back into his pants and zipping
up.
He hears a “what the fuck?” but he can’t find it in himself to care. An acidic
taste enters his mouth as he looks at Jensen. Jensen.
“What the hell, guy! A simple ‘no’ would’ve sufficed.” Jensen wipes at his
mouth and makes for the door.
“This seems pretty “gay” to me, Jensen.” For a moment Jared wonders if he’s
mistaken, but then Jensen halts and turns around, expression rapidly changing
from confusion to anger.
“What the hell?” -“Who the fuck do you think-“ Jensen’s mouth snaps shut and he
physically recoils as realization dawns on him.
“Yeah well fuck you too, Face.” The childhood nick name slips out easily, meant
to jab and stab without even realizing it.
He storms out before Jensen gets a chance to add anything to that.
He walks a few blocks as fast as he can away from the place, because he just
isn’t in the mood for some homophobic bullshit either. Jared has enough time to
think back to Jensen’s fucking face with his stupid hair and his stupid eyes.
In the dim light, Jensen had looked amazing. If Jared thought that Jensen in
his teens was the most beautiful thing out there, Jensen in his early thirties
was even worse than that. His large feminine features had found their place in
his grown-up face. His pouty lips, large green eyes and ridiculous lashes, all
his feminine features had now found their place in a very masculine face. His
shoulders had filled out even more and he had grown taller. Jared snorts
silently when he recalls that he’d been quite a bit taller than Jensen:  the
same Jensen that had seemed bigger than life back in the day.
He drives the hour back in under forty minutes and sits angrily on the bench on
their porch. Remembering Jeff’s stash of cigarettes somewhere, he roots around
for a pack and lights up cigarette after cigarette, inhaling and blowing out
some of his anger with each cigarette.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
Head thrown back and snoring loudly, Jared wakes himself up to find Jeff
leaning on the railing, cup of coffee in hand.
“Mornin’, kiddo.” He takes a sip of his coffee and sighs loudly.
Jared opens one eye blearily, zeroing in on the cup of coffee in Jeff’s hand.
“J’ff, cawfee,” he drawls sleepily.
“What’s that? Does the hung over boy in his late-twenties want the cup of
coffee that I spent half an hour brewing myself?”
Jared looks up at Jeff through the curtain of hair hanging in front of his eyes
and looks back down again, biting his lip.
“God! Kid, you ain’t playin’ fair and you know it.”
The cup of coffee appears in front his face and Jared’s face breaks into a
grin, grabbing for the cup.
“Always been a sucker for the puppy eyes, Jeff.”
Jeff huffs out a laugh as Jared makes happy noises over his coffee. When it’s
been quiet for several minutes, Jared practically feels Jeff’s worried eyes on
him.
“Spit it out.”
“Any smokes left in my pack, kid?” Jared looks up guiltily and holds the pack
up to Jeff. One sad, squashed cigarette is left, but it’s still good enough for
Jeff. He lights it and inhales deeply before slowly puffing the smoke out
again.
“Jared, are you okay?” Jared raises an eyebrow at that. Jeff only ever calls
out his full name when there’s something going on.
“I’m fine. It just stress from work, you guys moving and oh… I don’t know, the
wedding that’s coming up.”
Jeff laughs at that. “Fine, fine. None of my business kid. Just checking if
you’re okay.”
They lapse into a few more minutes of comfortable silence, until it’s broken by
Jared’s mom coming out with another cup of coffee.
“Mornin’, boys," she says smiling. “You guys are up early.”
She sounds sincere, but Jared catches the actual tone in her eyes.
“Hi, momma. It sure is a great morning.” Jared smiles back at her toothily.
Jeff laughs and his mom shakes her head fondly. She sits down next to Jared and
Jared watches as Jeff tries to trick his mom into giving up her cup of coffee.
He’s pretty close to happy in this moment. The Texas heat hasn’t set in yet and
the field around them is bathed in soft blue hues; a picture he has often
romanticized in his head.
The previous night comes back to him and the familiar anger takes its place.
Jensen was about to fucking blow him, in a gay bar. The same guy that kicked
Jared out of his house because he didn’t want to be around a fag. He should’ve
punched him the face when he got the chance, but the shock of seeing him and
the rush of anger messed him up real good.
He can’t be around his mom and Jeff at that moment and abruptly stands up,
muttering something about a shower, ignoring his mom’s and Jeff’s confused
looks.
He takes his sweat-and-god-knows what-caked clothes and pants off, forgetting
that he hadn’t taken his shoes off and angrily and awkwardly tries to kick them
off with his pants still pooled around his ankles.
Knowing Jared, it doesn’t work out and he awkwardly flails and falls on his ass
on his bed. At least he has that going for him, he thinks. And before he knows
it, the whole situation seems particularly hilarious to him and he flops down
on his back laughing out loud. His underwear and pants are still bunched and
entwined with his shoes and it’s all so ridiculous.
Jared closes his eyes for a second, but almost instantly regrets it when a
memory of Jensen pops out in an almost similar position to the one he was in
last night.
1983
“I wanna do something for you,” Jensen says. They’re lying on Jared’s bed,
Jared’s head is nestled in the crook of Jensen’s arm and they’re not supposed
to hook up with Tommy and Mikey until another hour at least anyway.
This thing between them is so new and still so fresh, that all Jared wants to
do is hole up with Jensen in his room for days on end, just kissing and holding
each other and Jared reading him stuff. He just wants the world to stop
existing for a little while just so he can have Jensen all to himself. Just for
a little while.
“You don’t need to do anything for me,” Jared says and lifts his head to look
Jensen in the eye. He wants to kiss Jensen but he’s still shy about initiating
anything. Jensen saves him from it by bending over and giving him a quick kiss.
Jared angles for more, but Jensen pulls away and sits up. Jared’s tries to sit
up too, but Jensen softly plants his hand low on Jared’s stomach. The heat that
seeps in through his shirt is making Jared’s dick chub up already.
“I think you’re going to like it,” Jensen says as he moves his hand lower to
the drawstrings of Jared’s short. Jared is slightly trembling under Jensen’s
touch, knowing what’s about to happen. He thinks that Jensen’s going to jerk
him off again. They’ve done that a couple of times now. Usually, with Jared
coming ridiculously fast, but Jensen following closely after as well.
Jensen loosens the strings and stands up from the bed. He slowly drags Jared’s
shorts down and Jared wiggles a bit to help along.
“Tell me to stop, okay,” he says oddly serious. “Tell me to stop, if you don’t
want it.”
Jared nods slowly as he holds his breath in anticipation. It’s awkward for him
to lie there, so exposed. But he trusts Jensen.
His dick is half hard by the time Jensen finally touches him. He cups Jared’s
balls and slowly makes his way to Jared’s dick, stroking up and down.
Jared just watches on from his position on the bed, biting his lip as he sees
the look of concentration on Jensen’s face, the same look he gets when he’s
about to pitch a ball, as his hand wraps around Jared’s dick. He knows Jensen
is going slow to help Jared last a little bit longer, but it’s driving him wild
already.
Jensen keeps a hand on Jared’s dick as he bends over to kiss Jared again. Jared
can’t help but to thrust up into Jensen’s hand.
“Not yet,” Jensen says and grabs Jared’s hips to scoot him lower so that his
feet are planted on the floor. Jensen pushes his knees further apart and kneels
down between Jared’s legs.
Jared watches on in amazement as Jensen takes the head of his dick in his mouth
and moves further down on his dick. He looks up at Jared through his lashes and
he seems to be satisfied with Jared’s reaction. Jared’s convinced he must look
like an idiot with his mouth open and panting, but he doesn’t care. His dick is
in Jensen’s mouth and it’s wet and warm and oh god.
Jared’s dick is hard and in his hand and he’s been jerking himself to the
memory of Jensen blowing him. He comes at the memory of himself coming in
Jensen’s mouth without a warning. He tries to be angry that a memory like that
still gets him hot, but he just can’t muster it up at the moment. He lies there
thinking back to Jensen jerking his head away with such a prissy look on his
face that Jared couldn’t help but to break out in laughter.
“You little shit,” Jensen had said. He was still scowling but the corner of his
lip had twitched as he had watched Jared laugh. He had cleaned his tongue on
Jared’s arm and flopped down next to him on the bed.
 “I’m pretty sure, you’re not supposed to laugh while someone gives you head,”
Jensen had said with a sigh. By then, Jared was just shaking with soundless
laughter and hiding his face in Jensen’s neck. When he had calmed down, he had
given Jensen’s neck a soft kiss.
“Can we do that again?” he had asked. “Not a chance, kiddo,” Jensen had
replied.
Jared remembers himself straddling Jensen with his shorts awkwardly hanging off
of one foot and tickling him into submission.
The memory makes Jared sad and happy at the same time, the feeling carrying
over with him the entire day as he showers, eats, boxes up old stuff, eats and
while finally falling asleep.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
                                  Part THREE
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
After another day of boxing crap up, seriously, how much crap can people
accumulate over all these years, Jared’s feels the itch coming back again. He
considers going back to that place he was a few days ago. But if running into
Jensen is a possibility during the week, then Jared can imagine his odds when
it’s a Friday night.
He’s in an honest to god “huff” as his mom likes to call it, all day. Even Jeff
seems to notice and suggests they go have a “men’s night out”, just the two of
them.
His mom has a crease between her brows that usually means that Jared’s really
getting on her nerves, so he accepts.
The place Jeff takes them to has such a Texas feel to it, that Jared can’t help
but to relax within the first few minutes they’ve entered. The place isn’t
really bustling right now, but there are more people here than Jared had
expected a bar could have here in this small town. It’s still pretty early and
some people are still eating and ordering food. Jared’s already getting hungry
again just by being surrounded by food. Jeff seems to notice and chuckles as
they sit down.
“So I guess a few beers to go with an order of wings, kid?”
Jared smiles sheepishly and pats his stomach. “I’m a growin’ boy, Jeff. Ya
gotta keep me fed.”
Jeff smiles at him for a few beats too long. “What?” Jared asks.
“Nothin’, boy. Just glad the Texas isn’t all gone.”
That. Yes. Jared hadn’t really noticed how thick his accent had become after
just a few days staying here. When he first got to California, he’d been teased
here and there and he had decided that that would never happen again. It took
him a while, but he’d managed to surprise a few fellow Texans when they found
out he was from Texas too. Until now, that is.
Jared thankfully doesn’t have to reply when a surly looking guy with a ponytail
comes up to their table, asking for their order and grumbling a “hey, Jeff,” to
Jeff.
Jeff orders them both beer and a batch of wings, with a wink toward Jared.
Before the guy can confirm their drink, “Kane” is yelled from behind the bar
and the guy turns back to the other guy with a raised hand. The name sounds
familiar to Jared, but he doesn’t think of it until he idly looks at his
surroundings and catches the name “Kane” on top of the menu.
“Shirley will help y’all from now on,” Kane drawls and walks back to the bar.
 “Ah fuck,” he mutters under his breath, but Jeff seems to catch it anyway.
“What’s that?”
Jared doesn’t get a chance to reply when two bottles are set on his table,
accompanied by Tommy and Mikey.
“You came!” Mikey exclaims. Both he and Tommy seem actually surprised and happy
to see him.
“Boys,” Jeff greets them.
Tommy and Mikey both shake hands with him. “Hiya, Jeff. Come to see the show as
well?”
“Just getting Jared here outta the house.” Jeff glances toward Jared and he
doesn’t even have to say it. But Jared also doesn’t have to acknowledge it. All
eyes are on Jared and he knows that Jeff expects him to jump for joy into their
arms and invite them to sit at the table, but something stupid is holding Jared
back. So he just sits there, nodding.
Jeff doesn’t let it get too awkward and invites them to sit at their table. He
wants to kick Jeff for it and hug him at the same time.
They both drag chairs over to their table and settle in. “Damn you, Jeff,”
Mikey says. “You always get the best table.”
“With age comes greatness, young Michael,” Jeff adds, smiling.
“This guy here,” Mikey says, pointing to Jeff, “comes in here, every week at
random times and somehow always gets the best seat.”
“And the best service,” Tommy concedes.
Jared nods again and takes a greedy gulp from his own bottle. All eyes are on
him again and with every passing millisecond, Jared feels the tension growing.
Jeff seems confused and the guys almost seem hurt.
“This is a great place, you guys,” he finally says.
“It is, right?!” Mikey replies. “Many moons ago, a hick named Christian Kane
rode into town on his noble steed called Mare and decided that the townsfolk
needed music. But for people to actually listen to his music, there was need
for alcohol. Thus, this fine establishment was established.”
Two hands land heavily on Mikey’s shoulders and he actually seems frightened
for a moment. “My noble steed called ‘Mare’? Really Michael?”
“Steve told me this story. He showed me pictures ‘n everythin’.”
Jeff and Tommy look on amused as Kane waves someone over from the bar.
“Steve did? Huh.” He clucks his tongue.
By then, Steve must have arrived. A guy who would be better suited to live in
California than to hang out here, with his dirty blonde, shoulder length hair
and the shark tooth necklace.
“Steve?” – “Yeah?” – “Do you know the story of how I got this place started?”
–“I guess.” – “And have you ever told this fine young man about it?”
Steve looks confused for a moment but catches on quickly, looking into the
pleading eyes of Mikey he answers. “Why, no. That tale is a precious tale, not
ever to be relayed.”
“So nothing about my noble steed called ‘Mare’, Steve?”
Steve can’t seem to hold his laughter anymore at the point and starts cackling.
“Really, Mike? A noble steed called Mare?”
“What!” Mikey replies, indignant. “Jared looked like he wanted a good story, so
I gave him one.”
Both Steve and Kane focus their attention on him. “So you’re Jared, huh?” Jared
thinks he picks up one some hostile vibes, but that might be due to Kane’s
whole demeanor.
Steve cuts in then. “Nice to finally meet you Jared. I’ve heard a lot about you
guys’ shenanigans from back in the day.”
Jeff lets out a throaty chuckle at that. “Boy, and were there many!”
Mikey and Tommy both look at him and for a moment Jared thinks he can really
see how much they miss those days as well. Miss him, even.
Jared is saved again from dealing with the situation when arms reach around
Kane and Steve’s shoulders and Jensen’s smiling face appears between them.
“What are you guys-“Jared notices that Jensen doesn’t finish his sentence, that
he’s just as surprised to see Jared as Jared is to see him. Jared thinks that
Tommy and Mikey tense as well, but he’s not sure. Blood rushes to his face and
his head starts pounding immediately.
Kane and Steve both don’t notice as they turn around and each give Jensen an
one armed hug.
“We’re just meeting your childhood friend Jared, here,” Steve says, oblivious
to everything it seems.
Jensen nods in Jared’s general direction and says something like: “Good to see
you again, Jared, Jeff.”
He points to something behind him and starts to make his exit and neither Tommy
and Mikey try to stop him, but it’s Steve again who says: “We were about to
start in on some of those crap stunts you guys pulled back in the day. You
gotta stay for that one.”
Jensen tries to get away again, but Kane turns up with three chairs and makes
them all squeeze around the table.
“Oh and didn’t you guys used to have like these super specific nicknames for
each other? I think I heard Kane call you ‘Cheeks’ once, Mikey.”
“I remember the black eye,” Kane adds.
“Well, I should have never told you any of it, Kane. So I guess I should
apologize for that at least.”
“ ‘s all good.” Kane winks.
“What were the other ones again?” Steve says and he bunches up his eyebrows,
like he’s really trying to remember. “I know Mikey was called ‘Cheeks’.” –
“Hey!” – “Tommy was called ‘Rembrandt’. Jen here was called ‘Face’ and Jared…
shit. What was Jared’s nickname again?”
It’s Jensen that answers “Jack.” He says it, looking directly at Jared and all
of the sudden it all becomes too much. There are strangers here who know all
these things about them, about him. Add Jensen to the mix and Jared feels
nauseated. He stands up abruptly, almost dropping his chair. He mutters
“bathroom” and “beer” and practically speed walks to the men’s room, ignoring
the looks that follow.
He opens the faucet, running the water, just watching it swirl down the drain.
He soaps up his hands and washes, for lack of anything better to do. His mind
draws a blank on everything else, except for him behaving like a drama queen
and causing a scene. He dabs his neck with his wet hands, drawing in a deep
breath. He has to go back out again, at least so he’ll be able to make a
dignified exit.
The door to the men’s room opens and the guy closing the door, leaning back
against it, is none other than Jensen. Jared’s so not ready for this yet. If he
could go the rest of his life, not seeing Jensen again, it wouldn’t be enough.
Jared ignores him as much as he can, turning his back at Jensen as he takes
some paper towels from the dispenser.
It’s Jensen who breaks the silence first. “So… That was an interesting reunion
we had, Jack.”
When Jared doesn’t reply, Jensen continues. “Gotta say, Jack. That was the last
place I expected to see you. Let alone the fact that I didn’t think I’d ever
see you again, at all.”
Jared bunches up the napkins in his fist, trying to refrain from hitting that
smug look off of Jensen’s face.
Jensen sucks in a breath through his teeth. “For a fancy writer, you sure don’t
have a way with words, Jack.”
It hits Jared then that Jensen is baiting him. It’s the why, that is still a
mystery.
“Don’t fucking call me that,” is the only response he can come up with.
Throwing the napkins in the trash bin, he makes his way to the door.
Jensen doesn’t move away for him but Jared can tell that his response riled
Jensen up and apparently Jared’s not mature enough to not get a little bit of
satisfaction out of that.
“Jack graces us with his presence and speech!” He exclaims in the open space,
laying even more emphasis on Jared’s nickname. “What a glorious day it must be
for Texas!”
Jared moves before he’s even fully aware of his actions. His hand slams against
the door, next to Jensen’s head. Their faces are up close and Jared notes the
color of anger on Jensen’s face, the sweat beading on his forehead and the
flaring of his nostrils.
“I said,” Jared says as controlled as he can sound at this moment with Jensen
so close to him, puffing hot breath in his neck, “don’t fucking call me that.”
They both seem to be stuck in the moment, neither of them moving away.
Someone rattles the doorknob, breaking the moment and shaking Jared out of it
as well.
“Jared, you good in there?” Jeff’s voice cuts through from the other side.
“I don’t want you near me,” Jared says and he notices Jensen’s barely visible
cringe. Jared steps back and Jensen steps easily to the side.
“Fuck you too, Jack,” he says angrily, adjusting his collar.
Jared doesn’t respond to that anymore. He needs to get away and he needs to get
away, fast.
 Jeff’s on the other side with a worried look on his face.
“I’m okay, Jeff,” he says and walks over to their table. The guys are all still
sitting there, looking up at him with shared worried looks.
“You good?” Kane asks.
“Yeah, sorry guys.” He avoids eye contact with everyone as he reaches for his
wallet. “I think the beer didn’t go down the right way.”
Kane pushes his hand back when Jared’s about to drop money on the table. “Don’t
worry about it.”
“Thanks guys,” he says as Jeff joins him at the table. “It was nice meeting
y’all.”
“Don’t be a stranger, Jared,” Kane says. “I swear, usually the beer‘s good and
the company‘s even better.”
“Seriously, Jared. You might not trust it, but the food‘s really good. Not
vomit inducing at all,” Steve adds.
“Yeah sure,” he says and forces out a smile. “Jeff, you good to go?”
“Yeah kid.” Jared knows Jeff’s going to have questions for him later. He damn
well knows that Jared only had three sips of his beer and he damn well knows
Jared has an iron stomach.
Jensen appears at Jeff’s side, sitting down in his seat.
“Jared’s about to leave,” Steve adds, as if it’s his sole duty to fill Jensen
in on every detail.
No one else seems to catch it, but Jared definitely does catch Jensen muttering
“surprise.”
As Jeff says “good to see you again, boys,” Jared gives a half-hearted wave and
makes toward the exit, Jeff following closely behind.
Before they can get to the car, someone shouts Jared’s name and it’s Tommy who
comes jogging up to him.
“Jared, wait up.” He’s almost out of breath when he reaches Jared. Jared waits
for him to continue, but Tommy just holds up a finger.
“Damn, you’re in a bad shape Tommy.” Jared's smile isn't forced for this guy.
“Shut up,” Tommy says and rights himself, reaching for something in his pocket.
“Use it,” he says.
“What’s this?” Jared looks from the paper in his hand up to Tommy again. When
Tommy just lifts an eyebrow, Jared opens the paper to see a couple of digits
written down and an address.
“We’ve all moved and stuff like that. All got our own phones now.” He points to
the address and adds “that there is our address. Yes, before you start in on
me. Mikey and I live together.”
Jared doesn’t do a good job of hiding his smile.
“Don’t be a stranger ya hear? Kane really does have good music, beer and food.
Guess you really didn’t get a chance to experience that.”
“Thanks Tommy,” Jared says in earnest. Even after all the crap he’s pulled
since he’s been back, Tommy still decided to come run after him to give him
their contact information.
“You’re welcome.” He moves in quickly and hugs Jared before he’s even aware of
it.
“Just give me a call sometime. We can hang out somewhere quiet; have a barbecue
at my place. Anything, Jack,” he whispers.
“Okay,” Jared whispers back.
Tommy steps back and smiles. “Okay.” He waves quickly at Jeff and jogs his way
back to the entrance.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” Jared calls after him. Tommy’s reply is a hand with
three raised fingers and a “read between the lines!”
The ride back home with Jeff is awkward. There’s no other word for it. It’s
uncomfortable and it seems Jeff really wants him to feel it, because he doesn’t
even turn the radio on. Jared knows for a fact that Jeff always has music on
while driving, keeps him ‘focused’ or something.
Jared refuses to play into it, so he keeps the awkwardness going all the way to
their home.
“They’re good boys, Jared,” Jeff says when they’re unbuckling.
“I know,” Jared replies.
“Good,” is all Jeff says.
Jared’s mom is still awake when they enter, curlers in her hair, a tub of ice
cream in her hand and spoon half way in her mouth. It’s obvious she wasn’t
expecting them back so early. Jared gives her a quick kiss and makes his way
upstairs before she can get in on it.
When Jared gets in bed, he gets a chance to really focus on what happened that
night. He can’t believe that Jensen was baiting him, almost accusinghim. Of
what, Jared doesn’t know. It’s not like he was the one who messed everything
up. Who hurt someone so bad it took years for them to get over it.
During his rant, one specific sentence from a repressed memory rears its ugly
head.
“I’m not a fucking faggot, Jared. And I can’t be around someone who is.”
There’s a lump in Jared’s throat at that memory, but he refuses to cry. He’s
done. He’s done with this shithole town and its shithole people. Now, that’s
not faira voice flits through. He knows he should be ashamed of how things went
down tonight. Especially, when it comes to Tommy and Mikey. They still care for
him. Want to get to know him, still, after everything.
He lies in bed, his mind wandering off to some memories of Tommy shoving the
ice cream cone Mikey was eating, in his face. Of Mikey’s unfortunate affair
with a pair of tweezers. Jensen shaving his armpits out of curiosity and his
mom finding him when he was one arm in, and then never finishing it. He falls
asleep with Jensen on his mind, their faces close to each other, both angry.
His imagination takes hold of the memory and instead of Jeff interrupting them,
Jared was the one to bend forward to take Jensen’s lips in an angry kiss. He
falls asleep with that image in mind.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
I remember that day so clearly. I knew for a fact that Jensen hadn’t spent any
time with Tommy or Mikey since he had come back from the four weeks he had
spent on a ranch with some uncle.
He’d only written us twice. Two letters were sent to my house, one for all of
us to read and one for me specifically.
‘Jack, this one is just for you. My uncle is riding my ass hard every day. I’m
a glorified stable boy here, but I love it. I got muscles now where I didn’t
even know I had them. Can’t complain there at least. I get some time off during
the nights. It’s pretty okay. This is the first night I haven’t passed out
after dinner and I’ve had some time to write and think about stuff… Uncle had
friends over tonight. They were real cowboys, you wouldn’t believe. Who
would’ve thought they still existed? They made some comments about my looks,
and that Uncle will make a real man out of me yet. And the shit they would say,
Jay. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
I will have to keep this one short as well, you wouldn’t believe how hard my
hand is cramping right now and not for fun reasons, haha.
I’m sorry for leaving like that. I didn’t  I really wanted to spend some more
time with you guys. I really wanted to have more rooftop time. with. It really
didn’t feel right to leave just then. when everything. when it all. I hope you
know that.
But hey, I’ll be back in a few weeks and you’ll hardly recognize me. I think
I’ll be a true cowboy when I get back, at least… I’ll definitely walk like one
(OH GOD! My ass…).
Write to me whenever you can about whatever. Whatever you want. Just you. I’d
really like that.
See you soon
Jen’
The letter didn’t say much, but in the state I was in back then, it might as
well been a love letter.
I wrote to him almost every day that summer. But it was just that one letter I
had gotten.
The boys had written him every week as well, but apparently they hadn’t heard
from Jensen either.
Later we would find out why that was and it still angers me to think about it.
For the time Jensen was away from our group, it was as if a limb was missing,
but we made do. I realized how much time I spent with Jensen until that time
opened up. Tommy and Mikey would make jokes about it, but they’d always hug me
when doing that.
Time crawled and flew by at the same time. I’m sure you know how that goes. At
the beginning of the summer the days are endless, time doesn’t have any
meaning. Halfway through, the excitement has worn off and you’re at a loss as
to what to do with yourself and towards the end, there isn’t enough time. Never
enough.
For me it was in reverse order.
For the beginning of the summer time flew by for me, my days were spent being
swept up in the whirlwind that was Jensen, until he left and time seemed to
last forever. Until Jensen’s arrival approached and Jensen came back, time
didn’t fly by like I expected it. No, it was even more excruciating than I
could’ve ever imagined.
Jensen had been back for two days and he hadn’t been by to pick me up in that
beat up old truck of his. That was our thing, he’d pick me up in his truck,
we’d spend some time just us two together, before we would go and look for
Tommy and Mikey. I had called him maybe ten times during those few days, but
every time it seemed I had just missed him by a minute or five.
Granted, I didn’t have time to visit him myself, because my dad was back in
town. By then it was no secret that my parents did not live together and never
would again. I didn’t realize the reason for my dad’s visit until he was about
to leave.
On the third day, I was going out of my mind until Tommy and Mikey rode up to
my house on their bikes ordering me to come join them. We biked the twenty
minutes to Jensen’s house, planning on confronting him.
When we knocked, no one answered, though we heard a toilet flush, so we
searched for the key behind the red pot and opened the door up ourselves. We
would either risk Jensen’s momma scolding us or we would finally see what the
hell was up with our friend.
There was no one downstairs, so we made our way up to Jensen’s room. Mikey was
almost about to kick his door in, when it already opened, revealing a rumpled,
sickly looking Jensen standing on the other side.
“Took you long enough, guys,” he had said. I noticed the way he held himself
and the cut on his lip also gave away clues.
“What the hell happened to you?” Mikey had exclaimed.
Jensen had shrugged and muttered something about horses not liking him that
much. I was too much in shock and partial relief to notice that it couldn’t
have sounded more like a lie.
We spent an hour hanging around Jensen, chattering about our summer as he just
lay there, nodding and barely saying a word. We noticed that he was dozing off
and with exchanged looks decided that we should probably leave him be for the
time being. We made to leave and the guys were already out of the door when
Jensen called me back.
“I’ve got some books of yours lying around, Jared. Come get them.”
I told the guys to go ahead already, hoping that I could spend some time alone
with Jensen.
Grabbing the books he pointed to I went to sit down next to him on the bed. I
reached for his hand, but he lifted it away to rub at his mouth.
“That must’ve been one angry horse,” I had said.
“Yeah, yeah he really was.” He coughed a little bit and looked around his room.
“My mom probably has some bags downstairs. You can just grab one.”
“I missed you, Jen,” I said softly, hoping that he’d notice how much I really
meant it.
I grabbed his hand again and held it in my palms. Jensen’s hands were rough and
he really had packed on a lot of muscle over the summer.
“I missed you guys a lot too,” he answered.
“But mostly me right?” I said with a grin and leaned forward to give him a kiss
but Jensen snatched his hand away as if he was burned.
“Jared. No.” I looked at him confused.
“No one’s here, Jen.”
“That’s not why.” He swallowed visibly. “I’m not—“He let his head hang and
wouldn’t look at me.
I tried to touch him again, to let him know that it was okay, whatever it was
he thought was wrong.
“It’s oh-“I started to say but Jensen pushed me away, hard. The exertion caused
him pain, I could tell, but he stood up from the bed, facing me.
I remember the look in his eyes, so cold and so unrecognizable as he said the
words that shattered my world.
“I’m not a homosexual, Jared.”
I thought I was going to be sick as I felt all the blood draining from my face.
“What…” I had stammered. “Jen, please. I’m not either okay. Whatever we’re
doing is different okay?”
“I’m not a fucking faggot Jared!” His voice was starting to rise, but he hissed
out his next words: “and I can’t be around someone who is.”
My vision blurred and I noticed tears dripping on my hands, rolling on the
cover of the books. I looked at him to see how on earth he could say something
like that. Jensen’s cold look seemed to change fractionally and I really
thought he was about to take a step forward to comfort me, even in that
situation. He seemed to stop himself, fists balling up.
“You need to leave,” he said in a whisper and I didn’t know how fast to get
away from there.
I ran down the stairs, busted out of the front door, books forgotten as I
stepped on my bike, ignoring Mikey and Tommy calling out to me.
I think I biked the twenty minutes in ten.
I don’t even remember how I got home then; running into our house like a
whirlwind, ignoring my mom’s shocked face. She ran in after me before I could
get a chance to lock her out. She called out my name, but with one look at my
face fell silent and sat next to me on the bed. She didn’t ask me what had
happened, out of shock or out of some kind of wisdom, but she just sat next to
me as I sat there with a blank stare and no words.
She must’ve figured out what was up when Mikey and Tommy came to the house, no
Jensen in sight and me refusing to talk to them.
For two weeks, Mikey and Tommy came to the house every other day with either
ice-cream, candy or whatever else they could think of, talking a little about
their day before they both quieted down and sat with me in silence while I
stared at the TV and didn’t touch my food.
After those two weeks, my dad asked me to come with him to California because
he was moving there and he knew a great school for me that would surely help me
get into any college I wanted to get into. My mom had just sat there in stony
silence giving me a small nod.
I made my decision right then and there: I couldn’t continue living here. I
knew that. I couldn’t go to the same school and see Jensen and feel the
constant hurt of betrayal.
I answered my dad in the way I walked to my closet and started picking out the
stuff I wanted to take with me and my battered copy of On the Road.
My dad came up behind me and laid a heavy hand on my shoulder, saying how happy
I was making him and how happy we were going to be and that our flight would be
two days from now so we could go on and get everything in order, or if I wanted
to: we could do a two week road trip and maybe hit up a bit of Route 66 to get
to California and leave tomorrow.
I knew my dad really couldn’t afford the time off, but I must’ve given off some
kind of deeply depressed impression for him to offer something like that. My
dad knew me a little bit after all.
It wasn’t until my mom came into my room with a suitcase and started neatly
organizing my stuff that I let the tears that wouldn’t come until then flow.
She hugged me tightly, murmuring endless future plans and what there was to see
on the road trip we were going to make and eventually I stopped. Embarrassed
that at my age I was still crying like that. Like the faggot Jensen made me out
to be.
She told me she’d visit me as often as she could and that when I would get my
own car I could drive down here. Everything would still be here for me. By then
I was done with the tears, knowing full well that I would never set foot here
again, at least not for another few years.
It took me years to find out why my mom never asked me anything about those
days or about Jensen and what had happened between us. Sometimes I would notice
that she wanted to ask me about Jensen, but she never took that final step.
Having such an amazing mother might explain why to this day still, I’m such a
momma’s boy.
Mikey and Tommy found me the next morning as I was loading up the car with our
suitcases and water bottles.
“What the hell is this?” Mikey had exclaimed. “You were just gonna leave and
not tell us?”
“I was gonna write,” I answered meekly.
Looking back, I guess this was the age that I started making shitty decisions
and started running away from my problems instead of facing them.
“When are you coming back?” Tommy asked softly.
“Actually…” I covered the “never” up in a cough.
Out of nowhere a fist hit me right in the jaw and sent me sprawling to my ass
on the pavement.
To what seemed everyone’s surprise, it was Tommy who had hit me. Soft spoken
Tommy who would never willingly hurt someone was really laying it on me now.
“What the fuck, Jack! You can’t do that to people; you can’t do that to US!” –
“I don’t care what the fuck happened between you and Jensen, but we are your
fucking friends too! You don’t get to do this!” Tommy was red in the face, on
the verge of tears as well and I was in no better shape.
Mikey had stepped in then, helping me off the ground. “Alright Tommy. It’s
alright.”
“Jack, please explain yourself before you make Tommy cry.”
I looked over at Tommy, seeing him breathing harshly through his nose and I
realized what my actions were doing.
“I’m really sorry you guys,” I said. “My dad is moving to Cali and I don’t want
to be that far away from him.” It was a bullshit reason and they all knew it.
Mikey nodded at me and grabbed me in a hug. “You fucking suck, Jack,” he had
whispered in my ear. Tommy stepped in as well and wrapped his arms around us.
“I’m sorry for hitting you, but you fucking deserved it, you piece of shit.”
“I know. I know,” I sniffled the words into their arms, embarrassment
forgotten. “I’ll come and visit you, I swear. And I’ll write. It’ll be as if I
never left. You guys are my best friends.” And at that time I really meant it.
“You better,” both Tommy and Mikey said simultaneously. They still had their
arms around me as I lifted both of mine and punched them. “Jinx.”
By then my parents had come out, my mom with a bag of food and my dad with a
box of cassette tapes.
“Alright, boys. Time to say the last goodbyes and then Jared and I’ll be
hitting the roads and be regular Sal and Dean’s.”
Mikey and Tommy looked up at me, smiling sad smiles. “Well, at least you’ll
have your own On the Road huh?”
“Yeah I guess.” I hugged them again and walked up to my mom.
She hugged me, and I almost crushed her in my hug. And then me and my dad were
settling in the car and driving off, slowly making my friends a part of my past
as they got smaller in the rearview mirror.
I called my mom almost every day from the road until we got to Cali and then it
became a call every few days and towards the end once a week or every two
weeks.
Those two weeks spent on the road with my dad were amazing but I couldn’t shake
the feeling that this was not the way I was supposed to be travelling it.
My mom visited me every few weeks, always asking me to come over. And every
month or two my dad would be the one to place an open-dated ticket on my
dresser. But I never once made use of it.
Tommy and Mikey wrote to me often. And I would answer them less often than
that. Every letter was filled with a promise or a threat of them coming to find
me if I didn’t get my ass over to Texas. But I never did.
The summer that followed, Tommy and Mikey had somehow saved up enough money to
come visit me and for two weeks it was the most fun and the most painful time I
had, since I had moved to Cali. It made me ache with memories good and bad.
Memories that were so easy to forget when I would mix with the people at my new
school.
It was the last time I would be seeing Mikey and Tommy for a long, long time
and eventually the phone calls and letters ended as well.
By the time I was in my senior year I had discovered that I was very much
interested in girls going by the series of girlfriends I had had by then. I
compared them to the way Jensen’s had taught me to kiss, the way he would touch
me, lips and rough hands.
It quickly became apparent I had a type: small, brunette and dark eyes, as
different from Jensen as possible.
I often wondered what Jensen would say if he saw me now. If he would still call
me a faggot if he saw how beautiful the girls I dated were. If he saw how much
I had grown, hitting almost 6’2” in High School and 6’4” in college. If he saw
how I excelled in all the sports, packed on all those muscles playing football.
I always wondered what he would say.
It wasn’t until I got my first girlfriend, Sandy, that I stopped thinking about
Jensen. I say first girlfriend, because she really was the first girl that I
actually loved. She was beautiful and crazy smart. Even back then, she was
really adamant about equal rights and had a lot of queer friends. She liked to
experiment and she liked to get me involved as well. I have to say, she made me
discover parts of myself that I don’t think I would ever have even thought to
look for. It wasn’t until she brought her friend Brad over and suggested we all
get it on, that I high tailed it out of there and subsequently refused to ever
see her again.
She was the first one to tell me that; “Your homophobia is starting to get
suspicious, Jared. Maybe you should think about that.”
All the other girls I dated after Sandy, never really even touched the level of
intimacy I had had with Sandy. None of them could even compete. Not until I met
Genevieve. Genevieve was in a whole other league. She fired me up in ways I
didn’t even know were possible, reminding me of better times in the past that I
refused to think deeper on. Don’t even get me started on all the games it
played with my mind when I would call her Gen, especially in the most intimate
moments. She was also the first person to really get me thinking about a
possible future. That might explain why I proposed to her only four months into
our relationship. She said yes and flew into my arms, peppering me with kisses
and crying.
I did so much wrong by her. So much. I really did want to propose to her, but
as soon as she told me that she was going to call her parents, something cold
washed over me. I knew I had made a mistake on some level, but I refused to
dwell on it. I told her that the circumstances were bad now, that I just had to
ask her now or it would drive me mad, but ‘the time for the rest of the world
to find out yet’ wasn’t there and sweet Gen had accepted. I had only just
published a novel that did reasonably well and the publisher wanted more from
me and I just knew I couldn’t deliver. The pressure was suffocating.
That same night that had I proposed to her, I left the house after she fell
asleep. I just needed to get out for a reason and just breathe in some fresh
Frisco air. My legs took me to another part of town, my mind in search for
something destructive. A couple of men were standing outside and I caught the
eye of one of them. He offered me a smoke, and for some reason I accepted. That
night, for the first time since that summer with Jensen, I let another man
touch me.  That was the first step of me falling apart and continuing to do so
for almost two months. Not being able to deal with my own failings, Gen’s
excitement for the wedding and that part of me that I had repressed for so
long, I just broke.
There were a string of men, seedy bathroom stalls, meeting points and drugs
that kept me going and oblivious. Gen was busy with her job and still so
excited with our new status, planning the wedding, planning to live together,
going on shopping sprees that she never even noticed.
So when my mom called me with news of her and Jeff finally tying the knot and
buying a house together, I grabbed the chance to run away again, straight to
the one place that I had run from all those years ago.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
                                   Part FOUR
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
He spends the following days, bumming around the house. There isn’t really much
to do anymore. He calls Genevieve twice in those days, but talking to her makes
him even more agitated. So he puts most of his anger into packing everything
and the rest of it in running around the field behind their house, pounding
some of his frustration into the barren land.
On the third day of him bumming around, it’s Jeff that breaks and not so subtly
tells him to call one of the guys and to get his lazy ass out of the house
because him and his mother need some alone time.
It takes him all day to really force himself to unwrap the paper Tommy had
pushed into his hand and to actually dial the number.  He dials their landline,
secretly wishing that neither picks up and he can just leave a message on their
machine.
It’s Mikey who picks up immediately after the first ring, with a muffled sound
and a “- Residence”.
“Whose residence?” Jared asks, laughing.
“Who’s this?”
“It’s Jared, uhm. Tommy gave me the number.” Jared remembers the countless
times he had spent right here at this spot in the kitchen, dialing one of the
guys’ numbers asking them to come out to play before it turned into a much more
respectable ‘wanna hang?’.
“Jared? Oh my gosh!” Mikey says in a gushing tone. “I can’t believe you finally
called! You told me to wait by the phone and I haven’t left this spot in days.
In days, I tell you!”
Jared can’t help but laugh again. “Such a drama queen, Mikey.”
“Says the dainty guy who can’t handle one beer,” Mikey counters immediately.
He cringes at that, remembering his own behavior from a few days ago. “Yeah
sorry about that.”
“No problem, buddy. So to what do we owe the honor of your telephone call, good
sir?”
He hears Mikey puttering around on the other end, sounds of plates being piled
up and cutlery being grabbed.
“Is this a bad time?” he asks.
“Hell nah,” Mikey responds. “I’m just setting the table for when Tommy boy gets
back.”
“Such a good wifey you are Mikey.” Its dawns on him that he’s much more
comfortable talking to Mikey when he doesn’t have to face him: when he doesn’t
have to look any of them directly in the eye and see the disappointment there.
It feels almost like it did a long, long time ago.
“Shut up.” More clanging sounds are made from the other end. “Hey. What are you
doing right now? Cuz I just put down a third plate and you best come by to use
it.”
He wasn’t expecting an invitation like that, but on some level he should’ve
known.
 “Oh, I don’t know-“ he starts, but Mikey cuts him off.
“I know you have a delicate stomach, Jack. But I got the grill goin’ and some
cold brews lying around and some Pepto, for the lady.”
Mikey doesn’t even give him a chance to really think about it. “Well, I’ll have
to tell my mom,” he says instead.
The cackling on the other end of the line was not was Jared was expecting.
“Holy shit, Jack. You did not just say that!” When Jared realizes what he just
said, the same line he had used countless of times more than a decade ago, he
bursts out in laughter as well.
When they both calm down again, Mikey tells him to be there in an hour if not
sooner and gives him directions to their house.
His mom gets in a few minutes after that and smiles at him fondly when he tells
her he’s off to see Mikey and Tommy. She sends him off with a bottle of wine
and a ‘drive safe’. He swears she looks almost relieved when he leaves the
house, but he’s not sure why.
It’s strange to be driving, in a car, by himself to go see Tommy and Mikey:
going to go see them so they can have dinner together, dinner one of them has
made, with actual plates and everything and with Jared bringing a bottle of
wine. It’s strange. It really is. Never had he imagined them like this, all
grown up and hanging together, like actual… grownups. He feels a tightness in
his stomach and decides to call it indigestion.
He drives the twenty minutes to Tommy and Mikey’s house: a newly built place,
with identical houses. He’s nervous as hell when he knocks on their door and
wonders about the awkwardness level of tonight.
Mikey flings the door open, clad in a white t-shirt and jeans and a pink apron
on. And before Jared can start feeling any awkwardness of any kind, Mikey has
already bowled over it. He keeps up a constant chattering, talking about their
house, dishing on gossip about the neighbours and how Tommy does the gardening
and is neurotic about keeping everything clean.
Tommy walks in during one of Mikey’s rants and seems surprised but genuinely
happy to see Jared in their house.
The night flies by after that. His friends keep calling him Jack in every other
sentence, but at one point Jared stops even noticing that. His friends also
seem to make a clear conscious effort to steer away from any Jensen specific
memories, instead calling up memories of when they came to visit Jared in
California. In those few hours, with great food and drinks, Jared gets a chance
to get to know his old friends again.
When the bottle of wine is polished off and the beers are brought in, his
friends seem to have looser tongues as well. They trade stories about past
girlfriends and crazy college life. And with that, more and more stories and
anecdotes about Jensen slip free as well.
In that short period, Jared learns that Jensen finished high school and high
tailed it out of Texas without a word. Apparently he had come back after a year
or two after having tried his hand at acting or something, head hung and ready
to face college about the same time Mikey and Tommy were about to get started.
Jensen ended up in the theater program as Mikey and Tommy both went different
ways as well. Somewhere along the way, Jensen had picked up two ‘dirty’
musicians and that’s how they all know Chris and Steve as well.
By the end of the night, Jared is sad and happy at the same time. Happy because
of his friends and time spent in good company and sad because of all the time
he lost and all the stories and memories he wasn’t a part of.
When everybody seems to be subdued, being caught in nostalgia as well, Jared
stands up and announces that he’s leaving, but before he can allude to any of
it, he loses his equilibrium and falls on his ass again.
“No change there.” Mikey snorts and even Tommy laughs a little bit at that.
“Just take the couch tonight, Jack,” Tommy says.
He wants to protest but instead he sinks further into the couch and mumbles
something about his mom.
“I’ll call her in the morning, don’t worry about it.”
He’s almost dozed off, when Mikey throws a pillow at his head and before he can
grumble something about it, a blanket is tossed on top of him.
“G’night, Jackie boy,” Mikey sing-songs.
“G’night, Cheeks,” Jared mumbles.
He thinks he hears a ‘sonuva bitch’ but he’s soon fast asleep.
Somewhere in the middle of the night, he wakes with the violent urge to put pen
to paper, or fingers to buttons. As he roots around Mikey’s desk to finds
papers and pen, he realizes that the last time he felt this urge to write
something was when he was fourteen and obsessed with writers such as Jack
Kerouac and Poe. He knows what brought this on. It’s his friends. Of course
it’s them. He forgot that there was such a thing as a muse, until this moment.
Jared cranked out one book about a lost boy in San Francisco and a tragic love
story, far from his own. But he never felt right about it. He just put out
something for the masses and the masses liked it enough. Even when he was
writing that story, it was a hardship. Endless rewrites, hand in his hair,
coffee, vodka, cigarettes, sex. It took him two years to finish that book. The
guys at the publishing house wanted to publish it after Jared’s third rewrite,
but Jared kept holding it back. Never satisfied, until the guys gave him an
ultimatum and he simply just gave up.
This though… This is flowing out of him and it’s the story of how one day in
the summer, Jensen had distracted Jeff into leaving his Soda Shoppe unattended
and the three of them had snuck in the back. Jared was filling up cups and cups
of different soda flavors as Mikey had latched his mouth on the ice cream
machine and was practically sucking the ice cream out of it. Tommy had calmly
looked at all the options he had and decided that the most rebellious thing he
could do was to grab a cone and put two scoops of vanilla ice cream on it, with
fruity sprinkles.
Endless memories come flooding out of Jared until his hand starts cramping up.
By then he’s just putting down key words of the memories he still wants to jot
down. He’s not sure where this story is going, or even how it’s going to begin,
but he’s damn sure that he needs to put their story down on paper.
The next morning he wakes up to knocking. First he thinks it’s his brain
fighting him, but then the knocking gets louder.
Before he’s aware that he fell asleep at the desk and that his back is hurting
like hell, there’s the sound of a key in the lock and the door being pushed
open.
Jared groans as he gets up and he hears a “holy shit!” and the sound of
something heavy being dropped. The voice startles him too and he whirls around
to see Jensen standing with an open bag of what looks like manure at his feet.
Jared’s brain is still too foggy, so he doesn’t have a reply ready when Jensen
asks him ‘what the fuck’ he’s doing here.
He drags a hand through his hair, just now noticing that he has a post it stuck
in it. He grabs it and reads ‘Called your mom, ‘s all good. Feel free to hang
out. P.S. One of the guys will probably stop by to drop some stuff off for the
garden. Tommy.’
He’s awake enough to realize that he needs to get out of this place as soon as
he can. Away from Jensen.
Jensen follows him around as Jared tries to find his shoes, keys and jacket in
that exact order.
“So you’re just waltzing into their lives, like nothing happened?”
He finds his shoes, doesn’t even bother to put them on as he looks for his
keys.
“You think you can do that after all these years?”
He’s trying to tune Jensen out, but it’s hard when he’s hitting all the right
buttons again.
“How long before you leave again, huh?”
Jensen is closing in on him now.
He finds his jacket in the pile near the door and roots around for his keys.
Nothing.
The jangling sound of keys makes him turn around. Jensen is holding his keys
out to him.
“Let me make it easier for you,” he says with a smirk.
Jared steps forward and snags his keys out of Jensen’s hand.
“Don’t you always.”
And with those parting words and a smile on his face, Jared slams the door
behind him, leaving an angry looking Jensen behind.
He feels good about himself for about two seconds before nausea takes over and
doesn’t leave him the entire day.
Mikey and Tommy both make calls from their work to his mom’s house, asking how
he’s feeling and both parting with the same sentiment “just like old times, huh
Jack?!”
He gets another call from Mikey when he’s having dinner with Jeff and his mom.
“Dear Jared,” he says, “why o’ why, does my house smell like shit?”
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
On Wednesday, he gets another call from Mikey, demanding to see him this
weekend. That’s the thing with his friends, once you’re in, you’re all in. And
apparently, Jared is in again. But knowing them, Jared was never not ‘in’.
The new house is being renovated as well and he promised Jeff he’d start the
painting one of these days. So he tells Mikey and before he can really get a
refusal in, Mikey decides that they’re coming to the house starting Saturday
and they’re all going to help out and Jared has absolutely no say in it.
When he tells Jeff about the plan, he swears he can see the approval radiating
off of the man.
The days leading up to Saturday are spent with small trips back and forth,
taking boxes out of the house and placing them accordingly in the specific
rooms.
He calls Genevieve, not because he feels a particular need to, but because he’s
not ready for the confrontation it might lead to if she picks up the phone and
calls the house, and god forbid if Jeff or his mom would pick up. He knows what
a bastard move this is. But then again, he hasn’t cared for a long time, and he
doesn’t think he’s going to start any time soon.
Saturday, he’s laying out all the essentials for the work that’s ahead of them
for the job, when Tommy and Mikey show up.
“I’m ready for some manly work,” Mikey says, wringing his hands together for
dramatic effect.
Jared takes in the newly bought overalls Mikey is wearing and starts laughing.
Jeff walks in grumbling about the commotion but soon joins Jared in his
cackling as well.
“I look amazing and ready. Don’t deny it.”
They each take a wall in the living room, but within minutes of countless
questions, Jeff’s over at Mikey’s wall, explaining the fine art of painting a
wall.
Tommy smiles at him from where they started out next to each other.
“So, the house smells like manure,” Tommy says softly.
“Yeah sorry about that.” Jared stares hard at where he’s moving the roller up
and down. “I scared Jensen and he dropped it.”
Tommy hums and after a few minutes adds. “You left your socks at our place.”
“Oh did I?”
“And a shoe.” Jared can feel Tommy’s eyes on him, so he fakes a smile and turns
towards him.
“Really? I’m surprised I even got home okay.”
Tommy gives him an equally fake smile back and they focus on their own walls
with odd comments here and there from Mikey as their background noise.
Jared then remembers that his socks and shoe aren’t the only things he left at
their place. He asks Tommy about the papers, but Tommy doesn’t recall seeing
any papers lying around and says that Mikey might’ve thrown them out along with
the rest of his desk papers.
Jared can’t help it, feeling the urge to hit one of them and simultaneously
feeling sad for the loss of all that work.
“Jared? Sorry man. Where they really important? I mean, I can check the trash
for you?”
“No,” Jared says. “Nothing important at all.” He turns to his own patch of wall
again so Tommy can’t get in on it anymore and for the next hour he channels his
anger through hard strokes on the wall.
Sometime later, to Jared’s confusion, Chris and Steve come barging in, carrying
groceries.
“We’ve come bearing food!” Steve exclaims and Mikey runs up to him to give him
a hug, leaving paint on Steve’s clothes.
Chris gives him a nod in greeting and turns to Jeff to ask him where they can
set up. They walk outside to set up on the patio, making trips to the car to
bring out the grill and coals.
“Did you know about this?” Jared asks, but Jeff just shakes his head and
smiles, as if he had known to expect this of the guys anyways.
The next few hours are spent alternating between painting, eating and drinking
and generally making a mess out of the living room. But it helps Jared take his
mind off things and to just enjoy being surrounded by people who don’t know his
past and by people who do and still seem to care for him. Chris leaves pretty
soon to go look after the bar, but Steve decides to stay behind and be of
absolutely no help.
The conversation stays pretty superficial, thank gGd and they run out of beer
pretty quickly. They’re discussing who’s going to be the one to make a beer
run, but they’ve all had a few and Jeff gives them all a stern look when they
say that it’ll be fine.
“I can ask my mom to bring over some stuff,” Jared adds.
“Kid, you know she’s over at Terri’s place and god knows that she definitely
won’t be able to drive any time soon.”
“Oh I know!” Steve says while flipping out his mobile phone and yelling “Hey!
We need beer.” Steve rattles off the address and within half an hour an
attractive guy with big blue eyes and dark curly hair walks in, arms laden with
cans of beer.
“I heard there was need for beer at this shindig?” he says in lieu of
greetings. Jared absently notes his smile and tries to squash the hint of
attraction he feels.
Steve stands up and hugs an arm around the guy. “Jeff, Jared, meet Misha, the
supplier of goods and resident hippie.”
Misha makes a little bow and steps forward to shake Jeff and Jared’s hand.
Before Jared can shake his hand, another voice cuts in. “Hey Mish, did you get
the snacks?”
Obviously, no one had told Jensen whose place this was and he stops dead in his
tracks when he sees Jared sitting there.
“Hey guys,” he says after a few awkward beats.
“Ladies and Gents! Our hero, Mr. Ackles!” Mikey exclaims and everybody starts
clapping. Once again, Jared is silently thankful for Mikey’s ability to make
something less uncomfortable out of a very awkward situation.
Steve and Misha both seem oblivious to any tension and set about handing out
the beer and snacks.
Jensen says something to Misha about leaving, but Misha plops down next to
Steve and drags Jensen down next to him. “We just got here, we brought a
shitload of beer and we’re gonna help polish it off, goddamnit.”
The conversation starts off a little stilted, but Misha and Steve make up for
it big time, asking questions about the house, about Jeff and Jared. They ask
Jared about his life, his writing and California. And Jared tries to answer
them as curtly as possible. Whenever the attention is on Jared again, he feels
Jensen’s gaze the most, burning a hole into him. Whenever the attention is
divided else wise, Jared gives himself the opportunity to study Misha. He tells
himself that it’s Misha’s attractiveness that has caught his attention, but
somewhere in the back of his mind, Jared knows that he’s mostly paying
attention to how close Misha is sitting next to Jensen. How Misha grabs every
opportunity to touch Jensen in some way. And he most definitely notices how
Jensen doesn’t pull away and leans into Misha as well. Jensen catches him
looking a few times and gives him a hostile look before he looks away again,
nursing that one beer of his.
When it’s heading towards midnight and Mikey’s already passed out, Tommy stands
up to leave as well, but sways a bit.
“Boys, I don’t think anyone is in any condition to leave,” Jeff says with a
yawn.
“Curse you, powers of beer,” Steve murmurs.
Jeff walks over to the corner where a few of the boxes sit and opens one. He
pulls out a few blankets and tosses them towards the group.
“Y’all are welcome to stay and to pick a corner anywhere in the house,” he says
and walks to the far end of the living room, balls up the blanket and lays his
head on top it: his snores ringing out a few moments later.
“Crap,” Steve says as he closes the flip on his phone. “Chris refuses to pick
me up and he damn well knows I’m supposed to open up for the morning crowd
tomorrow.”
Remembering Jensen’s sober state and his wish to absolutely not spend the night
anywhere near Jensen, he suggest: “I’m sure Jensen can drop you off, wherever.”
Jensen shoots him a glare and seems to realize what Jared’s really after and
says: “Sorry man, I’m in no state to drive. I guess me and Mish will spend the
night here as well.”
“A fuck,” Steve grumbles.
“Sure we can give you a ride in the morning, buddy.”
Tommy looks from Jared to Jensen and seems to shake his head at a thought. He
snags a blanket and tosses it over Mikey, eliciting a snort from him. He then
grabs another one and balls it up into a pillow, like Jeff had done. “I’m out
guys,” he says. “So please, shut it.”
Steve picks out a corner as well and lies down on top of the blanket, crosses
his arms and stays exactly like that.
Misha spreads his blanket out over the floor and basically makes Jensen share
the one other blanket there is.
Jared grabs another beer and his blanket and walks out on to the patio. Drawing
in a breath, he realizes that this might actually be the first free breath he
has drawn ever since Jensen arrived. He nurses his beer and looks at the stars.
The longer he sits there, his anger dies away, instead, making place for
sadness. It starts off with thoughts about Jensen: how dare he give himself the
right to make Jared feel like shit for spending time with his friends again.
Jared damn well knows what he did and that he should be thankful as hell that
his friends just let him walk back into their lives and that they even did it
with open arms and no questions asked.
His thoughts move on further to the stories he wrote and how he lost them. He
knows that he can probably write them down again, but he also knows the quality
of his work is at its best if it pours out of him freely, like it did the other
night.
The door to the patio opens and is shoved closed again. Jared doesn’t need to
turn around to know that it’s Jensen standing behind him.
“What do you want now?” he sighs.
A bundle of papers held together by a rubber band is tossed next to him. A
quick look to his side confirms that it is indeed the stories he thought he had
lost, and that does it for him.
He stands up fast, dropping his beer bottle with a thud on the wooden floor.
“You took my papers?” He hisses.
Jensen seems immediately on edge as well. “Fucking read them too,” he hisses
back.
Instead of saying anything else, Jared shoves Jensen, pouring all that anger
into that one push. Jensen stumbles a bit, but latches on to Jared’s arms,
pulling Jared along with him.
In the following moments, no words are exchange. Neither of them use their
fists: they’re just holding on to each other and pushing, wrestling until
Jensen makes one move, breaking free of Jared’s hold. He pushes Jared up
against the wall, knocking the wind out of him. They stand there panting,
Jensen’s sleeves fisted in Jared’s hands and before Jared can do anything about
their position, Jensen is kissing him. Jensen is kissing him hard and Jared
blames the surprise that he lets it go on for that one split second. He pushes
Jensen away angrily and wipes at his mouth.
“You don’t get to fucking do that,” he hisses again, aware now that they must
be making a lot of noise.
“I remember a time or two that that was all I got to fucking do, Jack,” Jensen
hisses back, and Jared can make out his tongue snaking out to lick his lips in
the dark.
“I’m not that fucking kid anymore.”
“You sure aren’t.”
Jared feels the rage boiling over again. The fucking audacity Jensen has, to
treat him the way he did and then continue to challenge him like this. It’s
messing with Jared’s mind and everything he never wanted to think back to or
mention again, comes pouring out of him.
“You don’t have the fucking right to come here and touch me. You don’t get to
blame me for nothing. You made me leave. You made me leave and made sure I
never wanted to come back here. You kicked the little faggot out, made sure I
left my friends and my mom behind. It’s on you.”
He’s so close to Jensen now and he can make out the glint in Jensen’s eye.
Jared had hoped that his words would come out menacing, but he’s choking.
Choking on every emotion whirling around inside him.
“How dare you blame me for leaving, making me feel like shit for wanting my
best friends back.”
He hears Jensen swallow audibly and before Jared can get another word in,
Jensen starts in on him.
“Don’t you put that on me, Jack. You fucking left. You chose to leave this
place behind and every person in it. I certainly didn’t make you leave and I
certainly never prevented you from coming back! So don’t you fucking put that
on me!”
“No,” Jared starts, but Jensen doesn’t let up.
“You hurt Tommy and Mikey! Did you even realize that? You didn’t even tell them
you were leaving.”
Jensen in his face now and Jared can’t look him in the face anymore. “I said
goodbye.”
“You said goodbye? Really? When they accidentally found out you were leaving?
Do you even know how hard they worked that entire year just to come visit you?
I bet you didn’t. You were too busy being Mr. Preppy man, having cheerleaders
hang off your arms left and right.”
“Shut up,” Jared says softly.
“Did you even think about any of them when you started prancing around your new
besties?”
“Shut up.” Jared’s on the verge of growling now.
“You should’ve stayed gone Jared. Things were good here. They’ve been good for
the past fucking fifteen years! You don’t get to come back and mess everything
up again. You don’t get to.”
There’s a tremor in Jensen’s voice at the end of it. And on some level, Jared
thinks he knows what’s being said without it being said. But he’s not sure.
Instead of shoving Jensen again like he planned to, he closes the last inch or
two between them and kisses Jensen with a gentleness that surprises him even
more. Jensen makes a soft sound of protest, but it’s in contradiction with the
way his hands come up to hold Jared’s face.
Kissing Jensen like this is like coming home. It’s like being propelled back
fifteen years and experiencing those butterflies for the first time. One of
them is shaking and he’s almost certain it’s not because of the cold for the
way his entire body seems on fire.
The sounds of cats fighting, breaks them apart and they both chuckle. Jared
rests his head against Jensen’s forehead and for a moment, Jared’s mind is
completely blank, until he remembers why he can’t do this with Jensen. And it’s
not because of Genevieve back home.
“You hurt me Jen,” he whispers.                                            
“Me too,” Jensen whispers back and swallows audibly and Jared’s not sure what
he means by that. He steps out of Jensen’s hold, breaking their little circle
of warmth. Out of all the thoughts and questions swirling around in Jared’s
head, there’s only one he really wants to ask: “Why?”
“God.” Jensen lets out a frustrated sound. “I was a stupid kid, Jack. Just a
stupid kid.”
Jensen steps forward again, his hands rubbing warmth into Jared’s arms.
“You don’t know how long it took me to realize what an idiot I had been. You
leaving like that… You wouldn’t believe how much-“
He doesn’t finish the rest of his sentence, just tips forward and kisses Jared
again. Jared lets himself get swept into the kiss for a little while. Just
letting himself have this for a little bit, before he comes back to himself and
remembers why this really can’t be happening.
“We can’t do this Jensen. I just can’t.”
“It’s okay, Jack.” Jensen tries to hold him again, but Jared pulls away, hands
in his hair.
“Tell me why the fuck you called me a faggot and kicked me out of your house,
Jensen. Don’t tell me it was because you were a stupid kid. That shit don’t
fly, not after all these years.”
Jensen stares at him for a few long moments, before deciding on something.
“Okay. Okay, Jared. I’ll tell you.”
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
After that night, something changed between us. Slowly, he became as much a
part of my life as he was all those years ago. God, it was so amazing having
him back like that. I guess I never realized how big a part of me was missing
until I got to have him back in my life again along with Mikey and Tommy. He
hadn’t changed one bit you know. Sure he was more life-hardened and whatnot.
But the essence that was truly him, never changed.
That night, we did nothing but talk and talk until sunrise. He had so many
questions for me, and I for him. I started by asking him to tell me what had
happened that summer. Why he had kicked me out of his life so abruptly.
What he told me broke my heart.
The uncle Jensen had spent the summer with had read the letters I had sent
Jensen and subsequently hindered any of Jensen’s other letters arriving at
their destination. He had put two and two together and no family member of his
would be a “queer” and he had made damn sure that Jensen knew it as well.
Remembering Jensen’s split lip and slight limp after he had come back that
summer… that was barely the tip of the iceberg.
“I didn’t want any of that to ever happen to you, Jack,” Jensen had said to me
then. “I just couldn’t be a part of that.”
After his story, us sitting shoulder to shoulder, he had leaned in and kissed
me again. But I knew I couldn’t go through with what he wanted from me. I sure
as hell wasn’t ready for anything more happening between us, and I sure wasn’t
ready to leave it all behind again after my mom’s wedding. He had nodded and
accepted.
He told me how for years things weren’t the same between him and Mikey and
Tommy. That I was like a missing limb and how eventually, they had lost touch
as well. Jensen split town after graduation and headed on to California to try
his hand at acting.
“Everywhere I was, I kept thinking; has Jack been here? Will Jack be here? I
kept expecting to see you at random corners.” 
L.A. hadn’t spit him out, but chased him out. He never thought that growing up
being called on his features would result in him trying to use that ‘face’ to
get ahead. And after two shitty years of bumming around and being called
‘pretty thing’ with ‘a mouth made for cock’, he had ended up back home and
entering the theater program at the same college as Mikey and Tommy.
He asked me about my high school years, jaw tensing at every girl name I
mentioned. That was my cue to not ever tell him about Genevieve.
For the few weeks that followed, the gang was back together. Instead of
munching on ice cream and hanging out on the streets, we were hanging out at
each other’s houses or at the bar with Chris and Steve. The boys had noticed
that the tension between me and Jensen was gone and for those few weeks it
really was like those good ole days.
Even though I told myself that I wouldn’t get into it with Jensen anymore, it
was so hard not to get sucked into the whirlwind that is him. I was becoming
infatuated with him again, slowly becoming that little kid that looked up to
him and would bask in his attention.
I was selfish. That hadn’t changed one bit. So when the touches and gazes
lingered and space between us became a scarcity, I just couldn’t say no to him
or myself anymore. So, even though we both knew that I’d be leaving in a week
or two, that this was all that we were going to have, we dove in head first.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
                                   Part FIVE
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
 “Honey, Jensen’s at the door for you.” It was a Wednesday night, not the kind
of night he expected any of the guys to show up at his door at nine in the
evening. Jeff’s already down for the count and his mom in her curlers for God’s
sake.
She raises an eyebrow at the way he stuffs the last of his chocolate chip
cookie in his mouth and practically speed walks his way over to Jensen. He
gives her a cheeky grin, grabs his jacket and closes the door with a soft
snick.
“What’s up dude?” he greets Jensen. “Nothing much, dude,” Jensen replies
teasingly and they just stand there smiling at each other for a moment. Jared
can’t deny the tension between them for the past weeks. After their “make-up”
talk and the subsequent release of all the tension between them (not to mention
the collective drop of tension in their entire group), there hasn’t really been
any time with just the two of them. It’s like there’s an unspoken agreement
between them to not be alone together. But Jensen’s here now, and Jared can
feel excitement and dread bubbling up from deep inside.
“You got your wallet?” Jensen asks him.
When Jared nods, Jensen continues: “I was thinking we could go somewhere.” If
Jared didn’t know Jensen better, he wouldn’t have been able to tell that
there’s some uncertainty in the way his mouth quirks and the way Jensen can’t
seem to hold his gaze for very long.
“Yeah sure. What did you have in mind?”
Jensen cuts him another smile and leads them towards his car. They drive for a
long time but Jared’s not really paying any attention to the time. He’s fully
aware of Jensen next to him in the car though and very aware of how not
uncomfortable it is between them to sit in the car with just music filling the
air between them. 
When Jensen ends up on the interstate, Jared gets more curious, but he doesn’t
say anything. It isn’t until he parks the car near the place where they had
their first awkward encounter after fifteen years that Jared can’t hide his
surprise.
Jensen scrapes his throat. “Ah, I thought we could use some release. Away from
the guys without the whole—“ He waves his hand through the air and Jared thinks
he means the whole “being into dick and them not”-part.
Jared hasn’t been back to this place after that night, hasn’t felt the need
really, not since the guys worked him into their lives so seamlessly again. But
they’re here now. Jensen together with Jared and he realizes that he’s curious
about how the night is going to play out.
He’s not sure he wants to see Jensen working the crowd, inadvertently having
almosteveryone’s gaze on him. And Jared’s not sure if he’s up for picking
anyone up himself.
But if he can have a drink with Jensen, listen to music or whatever and Jensen
decides that this is the place he wants them to be… He’ll take it.
Jared feels eyes on them as soon as they enter the place. He feels awkward and
out of his skin, definitely out his comfort zone. But when he looks at Jensen,
he seems perfectly at ease heading to the bar, weaving through the crowd
without awkwardly bumping against people.
He greets the bartender as if they’re on friendly terms and sits there with an
as easy as can be demeanor. For a fraction of a moment, Jared feels some anger
and resentment towards Jensen. For him being so comfortable being gay and
surrounded by gay men, but having been the cause of Jared’s partial homophobia
in a way that Jared can’t imagine ever being fully comfortable being in such a
place.
Jensen picks up on his uneasiness and slides a beer towards him. “Relax, Jack.”
He says and even dares to wink at him.
Jared accepts the drink gratefully and busies himself with taking a large sip,
letting the bitter taste replace the one in his mouth.
Before he can set his beer down, a guy wraps his arms around Jensen from behind
and kisses his neck, murmuring something in Jensen’s ear. Jared recognizes
Misha’s brown mop of hair and can’t help the irrational jealousy building up in
inside of him.
Jensen seems completely unaware of Jared’s venomous stare and hugs Misha
awkwardly from his position. They exchange a few words and it’s just then that
Misha realizes that Jared’s there as well.
“Jared!” He says as a way of greeting and looks surprised to see Jared there
and a little suspicious. “Never thought I’d see you here.”
He looks between Jensen and Jared and doesn’t let go of his hold of Jensen.
Jared tips his beer towards him and forces out a smile.
Jensen definitely picks up on that though and turns to Misha. “Just having a
beer with Jack, here Mish. Catching up ‘n all.”
Misha smiles sweetly at Jensen in an understanding manner and releases his hold
of Jensen. Before he can fully pull away, the beats of New Order’s Blue Monday
come on and his entire face changes. His eyes go wide and he gets a
ridiculously endearing smile on his face.
“Jenny, you have to come dance with me,” he begs.
Jensen shakes his head fondly and tries to say no, but Misha’s pulling on him.
“This is our song, just this one. Jared won’t mind, right Jared?”
Jared wants to tell Misha to fuck the hell off and leave Jensen and him be. But
he doesn’t have any legitimate claims on Jensen. So he just shakes his head and
busies himself with his beer.
Jensen gives him an unreadable look while he sets his beer down, wraps his arm
around Misha’s waist and leads them to the dance floor.
The fucking song is nine minutes long. Jared knows this. But just five minutes
of watching Misha and Jensen grind on each other in some twisted semblance of a
dance… He’s had enough. He wants to leave, take a friggin cab back, instead of
sulking for a few more minutes and spending the rest of the night with Misha
hanging off of Jensen’s neck.
He knows he’s being pissy and petty and he damn well knows that he can’t just
disappear as well. So he walks up to where Misha’s glued to Jensen and taps
Jensen on the shoulder.
Jared tells Jensen that he’s leaving, that his head hurts and the excuses keep
rolling off of his mouth. Jensen looks puzzled and Jared figures that he can’t
really hear Jared over the thumping bass of the music. He catches Jared’s
jacket in his hand though and nods, looking back at Misha with a smile. And
that’s it for Jared. Jensen would rather stay here and grind on a willing body.
And that’s fine.
Without a second glance, he makes his way out of the bar in to the fresh air
outside. Before he can hail a cab, someone grabs his arm and twists him around
roughly.
“What the fuck, man?!” Jensen almost yells at him. “I turn around for one
second and you’re willing to blow 100 bucks on a cab fare home? What the
fuck?!”
Jared shrugs his shoulder, not in the mood to get into it with Jensen. “You
seemed preoccupied, so I thought I’d spare you the nuisance and just go.”
“Preoccupied? I was just dancing and you seemed fine with that.”
“Dancing?” Jared snorts. “I’d hardly call that dancing!”
They’re on the verge of yelling at each other and Jensen seems to notice too,
yanking him towards the alley next to the bar.
“Yes we were dancing. That’s how we dance!” Jensen hisses.
“Not the kind of dancing I know of,” Jared murmurs, but Jensen seems to have
heard him anyway.
“And so what?! Two men can’t dance with each other?! Well news flash, Jared.
You were just at a fucking gay bar!”
“That’s not my problem!” Jared replies exasperated.
“Then what the hell is, Jared? Why couldn’t you even spend a half hour with me
in a gay bar?”
Jensen says poking at him, closing in on him.
“I didn’t like his hands all over you okay?” he blurts out and Jensen seems
very surprised at that.
“What?!” He exclaims. “You were the one who said no to me, Jared. You! So you
don’t get to be a jealous bitch over nothing.”
Jensen’s angry and waving his arms around and Jared can think of only one thing
to make him shut up. So he steps forward, grabs onto Jensen’s face and kisses
him. Jensen doesn’t try to get away from him, instead he reciprocates as good
as he gets.
For a few moments, Jared’s thoughts are zeroed in on where their lips and
tongues are touching and the way they keep pawing at each other and then it
hits him. He remembers why this was all a bad idea from the start with and
pulls away.
“I’m leaving in a few weeks,” he whispers in the space between them. Jensen has
his hands wrapped around Jared’s neck and he caresses Jared’s collarbone.
“I know. I don’t care.”
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
1983
“So how does it work?”
“What work?” Jensen asks. He’s lying horizontally on the bed reading a comic
book and Jared has his legs thrown over Jensen’s stomach. Jared closes his book
and puts it down next to him.
“How do guys have sex?”
Jensen’s eyes snap up to his. “Young man!” he gasps and smirks at Jared, but
Jared can see the tips of his ears already turning red.
Jared rolls his eyes and just stares at Jensen until he caves and answers.
“Geez, Jack. Y’know…” He rubs awkwardly at his ear. “Just like with girls.”
Jensen is now red all over and Jared is secretly loving it.
“No I don’t know.” He does know. Not from experience, but from extensive
reading: his ‘throbbing member’ being inserted in her ‘willing orifice’ and all
that jazz.
Jensen cuts him a disbelieving look, opens his mouth a couple of times and
finally settles on “well, one of the guys, y’know, gives it to uh, the other
guy, in the…” he swallows visibly and says crudely: “in the ass.”
“Romantic, Jared bites back at him, because he knows that Jensen put it like
that to get back at him.
Jensen smirks back at him. “I’m sure it’s a beautiful act, Jackie.”
Jared makes a face at him and lifts his legs away, picking up the book again.
He pretends he’s reading just to ignore Jensen’s probing look. After a few
moments Jensen picks up his comic book again and starts reading too.
But something else is bugging Jared now.
“Have you ever done it?”
The comic book drops on Jensen’s chest and he tries to sit up. “What’s with the
questions, Jare?”
“I’m just curious,” Jared mumbles.
Before Jensen can back to his comic book, Jared blurts out: “I’ve never done
it.”
Blood is already flowing to his face, heating up his cheeks and it gets worse
when Jensen says: “I know.” He doesn’t give Jared the chance to get more
embarrassed and adds “Neither have I.”
Jared nods at him and hides behind his book, not being able to hide the small
smile. It makes him happy to hear that Jensen’s probably just as clueless as he
is when it comes to these things and maybe…
“Are we gonna do it?” His mouth runs off again and he lifts the book higher and
closer to his face, not able to face Jensen.
He feels the mattress moving and the book being lifted out his hands, Jensen’s
on all fours, his face mere inches away from his. Jared isn’t given an answer,
but a soft kiss instead. Voice caught somewhere between fear and excitement
Jared asks quietly: “Right now?”
Jensen chuckles softly and swipes his thumb over Jared’s lips. “When we’re
ready,” he says. He doesn’t say ‘when you’re ready’ but when ‘they are’ and
Jared feels his heart expanding in his chest, exactly as they described in
those bodice rippers, Jared’s guilty pleasure.
They smile at each other for a few long moments and Jensen goes back to his
position on the bed and with one last smile thrown Jared’s way, he picks up his
comic book and resumes his reading.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
Jared had been so sure that Jensen was going to be his first, his first on all
fronts. But they never got a chance to explore the time they would be ready for
each other. And it saddens him this very moment. He’s lying on Jensen’s bed,
waiting for him to come back with some drinks Jared had declined but Jensen had
insisted on. He must be as nervous as Jared is right now.
This won’t be a meaningless thing. Jensen isn’t a faceless guy in some random
bar. It’s them, Jared and Jensen, and it frightens him. But they agreed: Jared
will be leaving in a week or two and they will have this and it will be okay.
Jared is going back to his real life after this and this thing between him and
Jensen will finally bring some much needed closure. At least, that’s what
Jared’s been telling himself.
Jensen walks in then: he’s in his jeans and the white t-shirt he was wearing
under his shirt earlier, carrying two glasses of wine. When he sees Jared
sitting up on his bed he mutters a “ah fuck it”, puts the glasses down and
straddles Jared. He immediately grabs for Jared’s face and crashes their lips
together. His hands are everywhere; going from Jared’s face, to combing through
his hair, back to his face. And Jared crushes Jensen’s body against his, trying
to get as close as possible.
It strikes Jared that this is definitely a position they’ve never been in.
Jared was always the smaller one in every aspect, but he has Jensen in his lap
now, Jared’s arm spanning around his back and wrapping around him and, yeah,
it’s definitely a turn on.
Jared growls into the kiss and Jensen gives back as good as he gets, pulling
away to start working his way with his tongue down Jared’s neck, muttering
‘off, off, off’ between small kisses, nips and licks. He eventually sits back,
finally noticing that nothing will be coming off if he won’t let Jared go.
Standing up, he gives Jared a heated look and moves away to the other side of
the room, rooting around a small drawer and comes back with lube and a strip of
condoms. Jared watches with barely concealed lust as Jensen smirks at him and
stalks back to the bed, dropping the items next to him. Before Jared can pull
him back in, he practically tutts at Jared and steps out of reach. When he’s
sure he has Jared’s eyes on him, he slowly reaches for the hem of his t-shirt
and in a, what must be deliberately slow move, pulls it off to show off creamy,
freckled skin.
Jared unconsciously licks his lips, to Jensen’s delight, and hurriedly takes
his own shirt off. He hears the clink of Jensen unbuckling and quickly looks up
to not miss any of the show. Jensen’s eyes are riveted on Jared’s exposed chest
and it seems the playing is over: Jensen pulls everything off in one swift
move, and naked as the day he was born he closes in on Jared and starts on
Jared’s pants. Jared’s breath is caught in his throat as Jensen’s fingers brush
his stomach and then his dick. Jensen chuckles softly and curls his fingers
around the waist of his pants and boxers, pulling them off of Jared in small
tugs. When the pants are half way down he straddles Jared again. Their dicks,
definitely hard now, brush against each other and Jared feels a shudder going
through both of them.
His hands reach for Jensen’s ass cheeks while at the same time still trying to
kick off his pants, but it’s not working.
“Shoes, Jared,” Jensen says and for a moment Jared’s confused until he realizes
that he’s still wearing his shoes, which… oh yeah makes it pretty difficult to
take off his pants.
He groans for all the wrong reasons and Jensen buries his face in Jared’s neck
to stifle his laughter. Jared’s thankfully wearing sneakers and quickly kicks
them off along with his pants.
“You haven’t changed one bit,” he says smiling at Jared and then drops his gaze
to where their dicks are touching. “Well… except for that one thing. God,
Jare.” He groans when Jared thrusts up a little and he moves back against
Jared, while blindly grabbing for the tube and drops it between their stomachs
with a “get to it."
Never did he image that he would be the one fucking Jensen, well not back then
anyways. Back then it seemed natural to let Jensen take the lead and he’d often
fantasized about it. Jared’s definitely not complaining about this turn of
events though.
He lets go of Jensen’s ass long enough to grab the tube and he grins up at
Jensen, remembering his words from all those years ago.
“So, one guys just sticks in the other guys’ ass?” He says while rubbing his
cock between Jensen’s cheeks.
Jensen gives him a surprised look, but he’s definitely remembering it too.
“Well, there are few details here and there that I might’ve left out.” He
smiles as he seeks out Jared’s lips, and Jared gives in to it. Jensen’s cock is
slowly dripping where he’s rubbing himself off on Jared’s stomach and Jared
himself isn’t doing much different as he rubs himself against Jensen’s ass.
He lets go of Jensen’s lips long enough to coat his fingers and reaches around
Jensen to rub slowly at his hole. Jensen pants against his throat, nipping at
his earlobe as he pushes back against Jared’s finger, urging him on.
When the muscle gives away, Jared makes quick work of the preparation, slowly
pushing his fingers in one by one until Jensen’s fucking himself back on his
fingers, murmuring “come on, Jack. Come, on.”
He wants to flip Jensen over, but Jensen’s not budging. Instead, he grabs a
condom, rips it open with his teeth, reaches for Jared’s cock and expertly
rolls it on. That small movement speaks of a lot of practice and for one split
second jealousy overcomes him and he pushes a little harder against Jensen’s
prostate. Jensen entire body shudders at that little movement and Jared feels
guilty for several reasons, one of them definitely being the fact that he has
no legitimate reason to feel the way he feels about the knowledge of Jensen
doing this with anyone else. He’s done this plenty of times himself, after all.
“Do it.” Jensen’s order is muffled in his neck as Jared grabs for his own dick
and positions it against Jensen’s hole, slowly pushing in. When the head’s
pushed through, Jensen takes control again and slowly sinks himself down on
Jared’s cock.
They’re both sweating and panting softly against each other by the time Jared’s
fully sheathed.
“God you feel good,” Jensen groans.
Jared’s litany of “Jen, Jen, Jens,” gets lost when Jensen pushes off and sinks
back down again.
It feels amazing being wrapped up in Jensen like this. And Jared allows himself
to think that this, with Jensen, is already trumping all his other experiences.
For a fleeting moment he allows himself to think that this is how it’s always
supposed to have been.
Jensen is pushing himself up and down on Jared’s dick, alternating with
rotations of his hips on every move up and again back down and Jared’s lost in
all of it.
“Come on, Jack,” Jensen urges “fuck me.”
In a surprise move, Jared grabs hold of Jensen’s hips and turns them over. With
Jensen on his back, Jared has full control over his thrusts now and he really
lets Jensen feel it. The feeling of control lasts for a few seconds before
Jensen takes it back, wrapping his legs around Jared’s hips and pushing into
Jared’s thrusts.
“You’re a bossy bitch,” Jared grunts against his mouth.
Jensen’s reply is an “uhuh,” as he bites at Jared’s lips and scrapes his blunt
nails across Jared’s back.
Jared pulls back just enough to grab for Jensen’s hands and to lift them over
his head. Jensen is fully exposed like, all muscles taut and strained as Jared
fucks in to him. His eyes are dark pools as he stares at Jared and it seems
he’s letting Jared have all the control. Jared only needs one hand to keep
Jensen’s hand where he wants them, and he brings down his other hand to stroke
Jensen’s dick upwards in time with every thrust in, reducing them both to hard
pants and grunts.
When Jensen starts pushing back against him again, Jared picks up speed, not
letting Jensen be able to do more than to clench around him. His hand speeds up
on Jensen’s dick, stripping him until Jensen’s body nearly comes off the bed
and he shoots up all over himself.
Watching the come landing on Jensen’s chest up to the hollow of his neck, Jared
blames the sinful image in front him for the momentary distraction and Jensen’s
swift move to end up back on top.
“You little –“ Jared starts, but Jensen’s fingers in his mouth effectively
silence him. Jared licks around the pads of Jensen’s fingers, watching the way
Jensen’s mouth parts and his eyes close while he rides Jared for all he’s
worth. Jared was already close before, but this image definitely is doing the
trick. With an uttering of “oh shit” and “ah fuck” Jared thinks he must have
popped some vessels in his eyes with the way his eyes clench tight as he comes.
Jensen rides him through it, slowing his movement and before the sensations can
become too much, Jensen stops completely, letting both of them catch their
breath.
With one last smirk thrown Jared’s way, he reaches back, holds on to the condom
and pulls off of Jared. He doesn’t give Jared time to take the condom off,
instead doing it for him while teasingly stroking his finger up and down
Jared’s softening cock. Jared wiggles his hips to get away from the touch,
making Jensen chuckle.
Jared’s definitely sated at this moment. For what seems the first time after
sex, there’s no need for Jared to zip up his pants and make his way out. There
was no need to scratch an itch to begin with and there’s no need to wash it all
off immediately.
Guilt is trying to push its way to the foreground, but Jensen saves him from it
by ungraciously dropping next to him, offering him a cigarette.
Jared accepts, for lack of anything better to do or say, really.
Jensen lights Jared’s first and then his, exhaling deeply. Jared stares at the
ceiling, blowing out the smoke and watching it curl its way up before
dissipating.
He hears Jensen take another drag and glances at him from the corner of his
eye. Jensen’s skin is still flushed, hair sticking up on all ends, darkened by
sweat. He looks completely debauched and still fucking amazing, the bastard.
Jensen turns to him then, smiling. “So is it as romantic as I described: one
guy sticking his dick up another guys’ ass?”
Jared jabs his elbow in Jensen’s ribs, making him grunt.
“Shut up.”
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
God, it was amazing having Jensen in this completely new way. It was in some
ways the same as it was all those years ago, but it was definitely different in
a lot of ways. The last week and days were spent rediscovering each other in
the ways we had known and discovering things that we never got a chance to. And
it was amazing. I didn’t let myself think about what it meant that in the short
time I spent with him like that I had been more happy than I ever remember
being while spending time with anyone. And I certainly did not let myself think
about the time I would be leaving it all behind.
There was a certain air of sadness surrounding the week before the wedding that
we all picked up on. However, the guys had all decided that there was no need
to dwell on it. They decided instead that it was a good idea for all of them to
take the week off to go fishing, drinking, bowling, drinking, drinking and
drinking. The last week passed by in a haze of laughter, alcohol and being
wrapped up in Jensen.
In those weeks, calls to Genevieve were far and between and she never called
me. So color me surprised when one day before the wedding, she showed up on my
momma’s doorstep, effectively bursting the delicate bubble I had built for
myself.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
                                   Part SIX
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
“Jared Tristan Padalecki!” His momma called out. “There’s someone here to see
you.”
When he runs down the stairs, the last person he’d expected to see standing in
their hallway, was Genevieve.
He cuts his mother a look, noticing her suspicious look.
“Hi, Jay.” Genevieve smiles at him and for a few moments Jared doesn’t know how
he should greet her. She diffuses the dilemma by stepping forward and hugging
him around the waist.
He wraps his arms around her and squeezes her for a moment. When he wants to
let go he notices that there’s no way to get out of her embrace. Jared has so
much explaining to do, to everyone and he had hoped that this day wouldn’t come
for at least a few more months.
“Hey Gen,” he breathes into her hair.
He’s hyper aware of his mother’s presence and turns to her, clearing his
throat. “Mom, this is ah, my girlfriend, Gen- Genevieve.” He stammers his way
through the introduction. He feels Gen tensing slightly at the mention of the
title, but she doesn’t correct him.
She cuts him a quick look and steps forward to shake his mother’s hand. “Nice
to meet you ma’am.”
“Nice to meet you too, hon. I’m Sherri.” His mother smiles sweetly at her and
he can tell she’s genuinely pleased to meet Genevieve. How could she not?
Genevieve has a certain air about her that exudes warmth and intelligence. On
top of that she has a natural beauty, takes care of herself and is obviously
from a good environment. However, when his mom looks at him again, he can see
the disapproval in her gaze, disapproval directed at him.
“You didn’t tell me you were bringing anyone to the wedding, Jared.” She says
it in a perfectly breezy tone, but oh boy, can he hear the ominousness in her
voice.
He looks at Genevieve again and she must see something in his gaze. “I’m sorry,
Sherri,” she says. “It’s my fault. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to come.”
Her mother looks from her to Jared again and then smiles. “No problem, honey.
There’s plenty of space for everyone. I’m just happy Jared doesn’t have to be
alone at the wedding.”
Gen smiles back at her and leans into Jared. “If it really is no problem…”
“Oh it’s definitely not.” There’s that disapproving undertone again.
His mom doesn’t mention that Jared hadn’t even breathed a word about a
girlfriend and Genevieve doesn’t mention that Jared was here under the
pretenses of a giant drama that took him away from home for almost two months.
“Well, kids. I have some last minute errands to run. And I’m sure you’re tired
from your travels.” She grabs her purse and straightens her hair. “Jared, will
you see to it that our guest is as comfortable as can be?”
“Of course, momma.”
With one last smile, she closes the door and leaves Jared with Genevieve. He
can practically feel the build-up to the inevitable fight he’s going to have.
“Un-fucking-believable, Jared!” She screeches. “Gen please, I can explain.” She
gives him the floor space for a few moments, but Jared can’t think of anything
to say. She scoffs and lays in on him again.
“That was the family drama? You leave me for two months, alone in that fucking
apartment of ours to go to your mother’s wedding?”
“I just couldn’t-“
“Are you that ashamed of me, Jared?” - “No of course not!” – “You didn’t even
tell her you had a girlfriend! Let alone a fucking fiancé!”
He can see tears welling up in her eyes and he really isn’t ready to handle
that kind of drama.
He steps forward and grabs for her hands. She wrenches them away, so he wraps
his arms around her instead, effectively trapping her. She struggles for a few
moments, but then basically sags against him as she starts sobbing.
“I’m so sorry babe,” he says softly. “They needed me out here for the move and
the preparations. And I just-“he exhales loudly, choosing his words carefully.
“I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn’t say that I was going to see my mom
and that I wasn’t ready for you two to meet.”
“What the fuck, Jared.” She sniffles. “I’m your fiancé. You asked me to marry
you. Don’t you think meeting the parents is part of that?”
“I know, babe. I know. I just didn’t want our news to overshadow my mom’s big
day.”
“I would’ve come as just your girlfriend, Jared.”
“It’s stupid I know. But I knew that as soon as I would bring you home that she
would know that there was more going on and I really wasn’t ready for that.”
Her crying has stopped and now they’re just hugging each other. He can’t say
that he hasn’t missed her, missed her small frame nestled against him. His mind
cuts to another body that has been nestled against him for the past week or two
and he feels ashamed.
“I guess I get it,” she says. He squeezes her in response.  “But you’re still a
fucking asshole.” He can hear the anger in her voice still, but there’s a
teasing undertone.
“You knew you were agreeing to marry a sack of shit,” he says.
He can feel her smile against his chest. “I guess there’s something seriously
wrong with me.”
He pulls away from her and leans down to give her a kiss. It feels wrong to
press his lips to hers, almost as if he’s cheating on Jensen and that is a
terrifying feeling.  He cuts the kiss short and just looks into her dark eyes
for a few moments.
“So… you’re here,” he says, smiling. And that feels wrong too.
“Of course I’m here.” She punches him lightly in the stomach. “I was worried
sick. I hadn’t heard from you in days and with this shit that I thought was
going on…” She looks away, hiding the anger in her face. “I just wanted to see
how you were.”
“I’m good,” he says gently.
“You look good," she says, smiling back at him. A thought seems to hit her
then: “Shit! I didn’t bring anything for a wedding!”
It then hits him that she really is going to attend the wedding. She’s going to
meet the guys. She’s going to meet Jensen.
He can’t tell her that she can’t come to the wedding. That is something he
really can’t explain away.
“It’s still early,” he says instead. “I can drive you to the mall. We can shop
around a little.”
A grin breaks out on her face and she bounces up and down, clapping her hands
in glee.
“Yes! And you have to show me around town. I’m dying to see where you grew up!”
She doesn’t seem to notice how forced his returned smile is.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
He drives her the twenty minutes to the mall, pointing out a few places that
used to be there or are still there. All his memories are tied to Mikey, Tommy
and Jensen in one way or another. He gets a foul taste in his mouth when she
tells him that she’s looking forward to meeting them.
The mall is a new thing that Jared had no idea of. The guys took him there,
because Mikey insisted on buying more games for his Sega. Tommy, god bless him,
showed him several stores so he could pick out a gift for Jeff and his mom.
They roam around the mall for a little bit, eventually ending up in the
department store. Gen picks out three dresses that show off her assets and
parades herself in front of him. One particular red dress, “Burgundy, honey”,
makes her look so beautiful and ethereal that he can’t help but stare at her.
She gets a coy look on her face and in an exaggerated model-walk comes
sashaying towards him. He grins at her antics and accepts the deep kiss that
she gives him. That same pang of shame hits him again and he notices that he
really can’t enjoy the kiss this amazing woman is giving him. Not after…
everything.
“I think we have a winner.” She smiles up at him. She hands him the other
dresses on the hangers and asks him to put them away. When he looks around for
the nearest drop off, he notices a stock still Jensen standing at the registers
nearby.
Jared feels sick to the stomach at the idea that Jensen might’ve seen him
kissing Genevieve. Judging by the way they’re locked in a stare, he must have.
Steve steps in the picture then, holding up two different ties. When he notices
that Jensen’s attention is otherwise divided, he looks over and spots Jared,
face breaking out in a huge smile.
Jared can tell that Steve’s practically dragging Jensen along and he dreads the
interaction that’s about to come.
Steve hugs him when he gets close enough.
“We’re just picking up some stuff for tomorrow, man. We’re gonna be fucking
models.” He grins from Jared to Jensen.
Jared tries to answer Steve’s smile, but his gaze is repeatedly drawn to
Jensen.
Jensen has a sardonic look about him when he finally decides to speak. “Nice
dresses you got there, Jack.”
Feeling blood rushing to his cheeks, Jared looks down at the items he’s holding
and silently hopes that Genevieve takes her time in dressing room.
“Oh my god, yeah,” Steve adds, just now noticing the dresses in Jared’s hands. 
“What’s with the dresses, Jared? You’re really taking the whole maid of honor
things seriously, aren’t you?” Steve teases.
“No, uhm. They’re just—“ he answers with an awkward chuckle and is interrupted
with Genevieve sidling up to his side.
“Are these the friends you mentioned, Jay?” she says. She takes the dresses out
his hand and looks up at Jensen and Steve with a smile.
Steve is looking at her with a smitten look on his face, but Jensen’s face is
unreadable.
“Yeah, Genevieve. Meet Steve and uh, Jensen," he says and makes an aborted hand
movement towards them.
“Jensen, huh?” She gives Jensen a surprised look. “Jared has told me so much
about you and your two other friends, Tom and Mike, right?”
“Yes, Tom and Mike,” Jensen answers and Jared can hear the mocking undertone.
“You didn’t tell me you had a girl, Jared.” Steve steps forward and extends his
hand. “Nice to meet you, Genevieve.”
“You too,” she says and shakes his hand. She looks to see if Jensen will do the
same, but he doesn’t budge and Jared can tell that she’s a little taken aback
by it. She leans into Jared’s side a little more and he sees Jensen’s jaw
tensing.
“That’s a nice dress you got there,” Steve says, nodding towards the dress in
Gen’s hand.
“Thanks.” She smiles bashfully. “Had some little last minute shopping to do for
the wedding.”
Steve and Gen carry on their conversation about the items they’ve picked and
Steve asks her to help him pick out a tie. Jensen stares at Jared, but Jared
can’t hold his gaze and drops his head.
“Imma go wait by the car,” Jensen says and walks away before any of them can
respond.
“Okay man,” Steve calls after him and then gives Jared and Gen another smile.
“I think I’ll go with your choice and pick out the blue.”
“You’ll have to buy a pink shirt to go with that, Steve,” Gen answers with a
smile, making Steve groan.
Jared laughs along with them and subtly suggests they’ll go pay for the dress.
Steve reaches out and holds on to Gen’s hand for what Jared deems an
unnecessary length of time. Genevieve laughs him off with a “nice meeting you
Steve.”
“You too.” He winks at Jared and makes way for the men’s shirt section. He
turns around midway, yelling “See you at the bachelor party, Jared!” across the
store and disappears with a loud “Wooh!”
And oh, yeah. Jared completely forgot he’s meeting the guys at Kane’s to
celebrate Jeff’s last night of bachelordom, as if he has been anything
resembling a bachelor for the past ten years.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
That night, they have dinner with Jeff and his mom. His mom must have clued
Jeff in on some stuff, because he swoops in and envelops Gen in a hug upon
meeting her. Jared has been effectively avoiding being alone with his mom so
she can’t stare him into any confession.
Dinner is particularly awkward for Jared, but Gen is a true trooper and
continues to charm his mother and Jeff. And whenever she says something in
particular that makes them approve of her more, Jeff nods at him with a small
smile on his face and Jared’s mom gives him an incomprehensible look.
The more they approve of her, the more Jared feels like a fraud. He doesn’t
even know what he was thinking. He didn’t have the idyllic notion that one day
he’ll be sitting at this very table, or any table with Jeff and his mom with
Jensen by his side. But then again, he didn’t have any image comparable to this
scene in front of him with Gen in it either. And that says a lot about how
wrong everything really is.
They answer truthfully to questions about how they met and how long they’ve
been dating. And thank god, his mom and Jeff aren’t the kind of people to push
anyone in any ‘serious commitment’ territory.
He knows he should be honest about everything. Honest towards everyone,
especially toward the people at this very table. But Jared’s never been good at
facing confrontations. And he’s pretty damn sure that any day in the future
that fact will not change. He pushes thoughts about any decisions to the back
of his mind and instead tries his best to focus on the conversation at hand.
When the cab arrives to come take them to the party, no way that he could have
kept it a surprise, Mikey and his big mouth, he feels bad for leaving Gen
behind. Thankfully, his mom saves the day by suggesting that Gen comes along
for the bachelorette party. Gen seems honestly happy to spend time with his
mother and he knows with what intention that is and the slight panic Jared
feels about the fact that they’re going to be spending that much together,
makes him sick to his stomach.
He doesn’t get a chance to dwell on anything for the rest of the night. Mikey,
Tommy, Chris and Steve are already at the bar when they walk in and Jared notes
immediately that Jensen is missing. He keeps expecting him to walk in any
moment, hoping that maybe he can explain himself. He doesn’t know how yet, but
he’s damn sure that he has to talk to Jensen.
After an hour or two, he caves and asks Tommy about Jensen’s whereabouts.
“Oh, sorry, Jack. He didn’t tell you? Something came up with Misha or something
and he said he wouldn’t be able to make it.”
“No he didn’t tell me,” Jared replies absentmindedly. Tommy regards him for a
few more moments, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he pushes another shot
towards him.
He lets the shot wash away the anger he feels at Jensen not showing up, at
Misha’s name being mentioned along with Jensen’s in any sort of way, and at
himself for being such a hypocritical shit.
Mikey comes barreling in towards them yelling: “Shots!” and carrying a tray of
amber coloured shots. The decision to partake is quickly made and he
experiences the rest of the evening in flashes from then on.
/Steve smiling at him, encouraging more drinking.
/Chris shaking his head, and indulging.
/Jeff, alternating between smiles and concerned looks when Jared toasts him
every half hour.
/Tommy and Mikey hanging off of him on each side, laughing.
/Him hanging off of Tommy’s arm, laughing.
/Him hanging off of Mikey’s arm, laughing.
/The three of them hugging, resting their heads together.
/“Don’t be a stranger,” Tommy or Mikey or Jared said, all said.
/Him throwing up in the bathroom.
/Cab ride home.
/Unceremoniously dumped on the bed.
/Gen, sweet Gen, taking off his shoes, laughing at him.
/Him trying to paw at her, slurs of “Jen.” – “Jens” escaping.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
The next morning is hell for Jared when he finally wakes. When he eventually
gets downstairs, their entire house is transformed. Where it was empty before,
flowers are hanging off of every surface and small tables are conveniently
placed throughout the living room.
His mom and Jeff decided to have the wedding at the old house, to have a proper
farewell party along with it, before they would move to the new place as a
newlywed couple. Jared thinks it’s a nice way of saying goodbye and it makes
him sad to think that this will be one of the last days he’ll spend in this
house. He didn’t spend his entire childhood in this home, but he definitely did
spend the most significant years in here. And for that, he’ll always be fond of
this place.
Everything is basically ready at the other house. The guys had been great help,
moving everything, getting the rooms ready. All that remains now is packing up
the last personal things that are left in the bedrooms.
It’s surprisingly quiet in the house and Jared suspects everybody is out in the
yard.  He pours himself a cup of coffee, sniffs it and decides water might be
better for now. He grabs a bottle from the fridge and slowly drinks it, not
thinking of anything in particular until he looks out of the kitchen window and
spots Gen helping out, putting lawn chairs out and wiping the tables off. He
sees her laughing along with Jeff when Jared’s mom scolds him for something and
in that moment it really hits him how much wrong he’s doing by her, has been
doing by her for the past few months. He knows what he has to do. He does. He’s
not a moron. The right thing would be to give it all up, keep quiet, save her
the embarrassment and hurt and to stick by her side. Or reveal his ugly side
and hope that she makes the decision for them both. He’s for damn sure it’s not
going to be any day soon.
He drains his bottle and steps outside, taking in the fresh scent of the cut
grass and the flowers.
Jeff is the first one to spot him and yells out: “It’s alive!”
Jared groans loudly for effect and calls out to his mom for help.
“Take the bad man away mommy!”
His mom gives him an evil grin and squeals out his name in exaggerated
excitement.
Jared covers his ears and hides himself behind Gen who is obviously enjoying
this display way too much.
“I hope you know you’re marrying the devil, Jeff!”
“Oh boy, don’t I know it.”
Jared smiles and steps forward to gives his mom a kiss. She accepts the kiss
and hugs him briefly, before stepping over to where Jeff’s standing.
“Jeff knows he’s my special consort.” They both share a small intimate smile
and lean in for a small kiss.
Jared loves seeing them like this, but knows he has to play the child card and
yells out “Gross!”, making his mom and Jeff step up their game and start making
out for real.
Gen joins him by his side and leans into him, smiling happily at the couple in
front of them.
“They’re great, Jay,” she says. And he knows what she’s really saying. She’s
saying that she can’t wait for them to be exactly like his mom and Jeff.
“Jared!” His mom calls. “Don’t just stand there. Get to it! The caterers are
going to be here any moment!”
With the “caterers” being Chris and Steve, that is. Jeff had insisted on paying
for the food and drinks and on top of being cut a really good deal, both Chris
and Steve had offered to set everything up and man the grill for the twenty or
so odd guests. It took him a while to realize, but he can see how Chris and
Steve weaved themselves so seamlessly into his friends’ lives. Surly Kane, as
he likes to call Chris, might not say much, but the guy is always in for a
laugh and knows how to handle Mikey. And even Oblivious Steve, who seems to be
an idiot most times, but doesn’t have a bad bone in him. They’re good guys,
loyal and honest and Jared is happy that he can call them his friends now too.
He’s not going to reveal those special nicknames though, ever.
The rest of the morning and afternoon is spent setting up the tables and
chairs, decorating and getting dressed. It’s going to be a small ceremony,
starting in the late afternoon with Jeff and mom’s closest friends with a late
addition of all the guys.
His mother and Jeff both decided on getting married during sunset, something
about the light and partying into the night. Jared suspects it’s because his
mother and her girlfriends always get headaches when they drink during the day,
and they certainly don’t want to cut the ceremony short due to any of that.
Chris and Steve come in sometime during the late afternoon, laying everything
out and starting to make “special” drinks for his mom and her friends.
Jared is the ring bearer. He’s supposed to walk his mom down the “aisle”, or
little path created by small lights and he’s also Jeff’s best man as well as
his mom’s maid of honor. The guys have teased him mercilessly about that little
fact. But he’s here for them, anyway they need him.
Tommy and Mikey are one of the few to show up early and he introduces them
awkwardly to Gen as well. The guys are nothing but nice to her, but he can’t
deny the surprise and confusion in their looks when Jared utters the word
“girlfriend”. He’s sure that no one knows about Jensen and him, so he knows the
looks he’s given are purely due to the fact that Jared neglected yet again to
share such a big part of his life with them. He really is a piece of work.
After that awkward encounter, it’s time for Jared to get upstairs to help Jeff
get ready and of course get himself ready as well. He doesn’t have to worry
about leaving Gen, knowing that his mother’s friends have whisked her away to
make use of her ‘city-touch’.
Upstairs, they get ready in about fifteen minutes and he knows his mom won’t be
ready for at least another forty five minutes or so. They’re both simple guys.
Fixing his tie in the mirror, Jeff catches his eye in the reflection.
“That Genevieve is a really great girl, Jared,” he says gravely.
Jared nods at him. “I know.”
Jeff’s quiet for another few beats. “Great partners are hard to come by.”
“Yeah,” Jared answers softly. He’s not sure what Jeff’s getting at. “You sure
got lucky with mom.”
“I sure did, kid.” Jeff has a small smile on his face and Jared can see the
love he feels for his mom. He looks up again and pierces Jared with his gaze.
“I hope you know how lucky you are too, son.”
Instead of saying anything else, Jared nods, holding Jeff’s gaze a little
longer, still no clue what brought this on in Jeff. For all they know,
Genevieve is a great girl he just met six months ago but isn’t serious enough
about to tell anyone. And yet, Jeff’s telling him in his own way that Jared
needs to get his shit together; the proverbial, shit or get off the pot.
He messes around with his tie a little more, but he can’t seem to get it right.
Jeff chuckles and joins him in front of the mirror, fixing his tie for him.
“You know you’re like a son to me, right Jared?”
“I know, Jeff.” He smiles.
“Not likea son. You are.” There’s a strange lilt to Jeff’s voice and Jared can
tell that Jeff is putting himself out there in some way, so he remains quiet.
“And I just want you to know, Jared, if there’s anything-- that fact will never
change.”
There’s a lump in Jared’s throat and he really can’t make himself say anything
at that moment, so he just closes the space between them and hugs Jeff,
remembering and missing his own dad immensely. His dad had passed away little
over four years ago. He had made up for a lot of the time he had missed during
Jared’s childhood, but Jeff knew him in ways that his own dad never had a
chance to. And in the past few years, Jeff’s become like a father to him as
well.
“I’m proud of you, no matter what. Just remember that,” Jeff murmurs in his
shoulder.
Jared, for the life of him, can’t think of a reason for what brought this side
of Jeff on. But he’s grateful to hear those words nonetheless. He’s not sure
how much Jeff knows about the actual situation, but Jeff definitely knows that
there’s something warring inside Jared.
Before any tears can fall on Jeff’s suit, he pulls back. Jeff eyes are a little
misty as well and they both chuckle when they see each other wiping at their
eyes.
“You’d think I’m the bride.” Jeff says with a watery smile.
“Well, if the dress fits.” Jared sticks his tongue out and ducks out of range
before Jeff can hit him upside the head.
They both stand in front of the mirror and straighten their ties out.  Jared
catches Jeff’s eye in the mirror again. “Thank you,” he says, and that’s really
all he needs to say. Jeff nods at him and claps him on the shoulder.
“Time to get me finally married, kiddo.”
“Finally!”
They make their way downstairs, still laughing and Jared almost runs right into
Jensen and Misha, standing at the bottom of the stairs. Jensen barely glances
at him, before he steps forward to hug Jeff hello. Jared shakes Misha’s hand
automatically, because the guy extended it first and he can’t be rude to him.
But he guesses Misha felt the anger in the shake, because he winces when Jared
accidentally squeezes a little too hard.
“Sorry I couldn’t make it last night,” Jensen says to Jeff. Jeff waves his
excuses off and tells him that Jared made up for every single member missing.
Misha’s holding a gift in his hand and Jensen takes it out his hand, shaking it
in front of Jeff’s face.
“I got you the pony you wanted old man.”
Jeff bursts out in laughter and snatches the gift out of Jensen’s hand. He hugs
Misha and Jensen and drags Misha along with him outside, telling whoever they
run into that someone finally got him a pony.
Jensen has a smile on his face, so Jared grabs his chance to talk to him.
“Jens-“he starts, but stops as soon as he sees the cold glare Jensen gives him.
Jensen walks away before Jared can say anything else. He debates chasing after
him and forcing Jensen to talk to him. But at this point he really doesn’t see
what good it will do any of them. It was never really meant to be more than
this.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
We both knew that our little affair would come to an end by the time the
wedding came along, but it got cut short a little bit earlier due to unforeseen
circumstances. I had no idea what Jensen was expecting out of it anyway. I was
supposed to go back to Frisco and Jensen would stay here. Maybe I would’ve come
to visit the guys during Thanksgiving or Christmas, but honestly, I hadn’t even
thought that far ahead, choosing instead to bury my head in the sand and enjoy
the little bubble I had created.
Jensen didn’t even look my way the entire ceremony, instead sitting as close to
Misha as he possibly could without anyone talking about it. But I noticed the
lingering touches, the arm draped around the chair, the imperceptible leaning
into each other. How could I not, when half my attention was on performing
tasks that were asked of me and the other half watching Jensen make a fool out
of himself and Misha. Jensen had the audacity to flaunt Misha in my face at my
mother’s wedding.
God I remember being so angry. Angry at them and angry with myself, for being
yet again a little hypocritical, excuse my language, bitch.
I had to literally force myself to relocate my gaze to the ceremony, and if my
gaze would wander to the table where all the guys were sitting, I would instead
seek out Genevieve’s eyes who was also placed at the table.
Looking at my mom and Jeff, both of them so happy, exchanging looks full of
love… I guess I decided right then and there that I would choose my life in San
Francisco and I would choose it with Genevieve in it. I was excited about my
choice and proud of myself that I had finally made a mature decision in which
nobody would get hurt: I would quit being an idiot who didn’t appreciate all
the wonderful things he had and I would most certainly give up a side of me
that had no right being there in the first place.
Little did I know that it would all come crashing down in the hours that
followed. I guess I should’ve known, judging by the steady drinking Jensen was
doing. In the way he was getting more handsy with Misha and especially in the
way he was becoming increasingly meaner to Genevieve.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
                                  Part SEVEN
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
 “So, Genevieve,” Jensen says, taking a sip of his beer. “Does he ever call
you, Gen?”
Jared had joined the table not too long ago with two plates piled full for him
and Gen. He draped his arm around her almost in the same fashion Jensen had had
his arm around Misha for the past five minutes.
Genevieve appeared so pleased that Jensen was finally showing some interest in
her and including her in the conversation that she went in on it without a clue
and without noticing how tense Jared had become by her side.
She smiles sweetly at him and answers truthfully: “Yes, he does actually.
Almost everybody does, really.”
Jensen hums a sarcastic reply and takes another sip of his beer, oblivious to
the table’s entire attention on him. “Does he ever call you, Jens?”
Jared feels the blood draining from his face and he doesn’t think he imagines
the rest of the table tensing simultaneously.
“Uhm,” Genevieve appears more uncomfortable now. “I guess,” she answers.
“Huh.” Jensen gives her a forced smile. “He calls me that too.”
“Okay…” She gives Jared a confused look and Jared forces out a smile. He isn’t
sure what Jensen is trying to get at, but he knows he needs to leave this
table, for his own sake.
“Come on; let’s go get a piece of ca-“he gets interrupted by Jensen.
“So we have something in common I guess.” He tips his beer bottle towards her
and then to himself. “So he calls you Gen, and he calls me Jen as well. Isn’t
that interesting?”
“Yeah.” Gen’s voice has an angry tone to it, probably catching on Jensen’s
barely concealed hostility. Jared honestly has no idea what she must be
thinking right now.
“So how about that cake, huh?” Mikey cuts in. And once again, Jared is grateful
for Mikey’s abilities to save a situation. Misha moves out from under Jensen’s
arm and mumbles something about going somewhere. Jared doesn’t really care.
“Yeah, great idea.” Jared gives Jensen a dirty look and stands up, pulling Gen
out of her chair by her hand.
“Go on, Jack. Get your cake and eat it too.” Jensen says, cold smirk on his
face.
Jared refuses to give into it and makes to leave, but Gen looks at him with
another confused look. “Jack?” She asks.
“Yeah, Jack.” Before Jensen can say anything else, Tommy is the one to answer.
“It’s a childhood nickname we gave Jared a long time ago.”
“He doesn’t like it, when we call him Jack though,” Jensen says. “But I guess
he will let his flavor of the month call him whatever they want.”
“Hey!” Jared says and he really, really wants to punch Jensen in his smug face.
Genevieve holds a steadying hand against his chest. Noticing the power play at
hand she gives Jensen a fake smile and says: “I hardly think the ‘flavor of the
month’ will get to call him ‘whatever’, but his fiancé sure as hell will.”
Jensen stares at her with his mouth open, beer bottle held midair. The entire
table is looking at them in surprise.
The silence in those few moments is deafening to Jared and he wrangles himself
away from Gen, feeling like he’s going to throw up. When he turns around to
leave, he sees his mother and Jeff looking at him with the same looks on their
faces as Tommy and Mikey had.
This was so not how he envisioned everything going. He shakes his head at their
concerned looks and walks inside as calmly as he can. He needs to leave. He
needs to pack his shit and leave with Gen right now.
He’s grabbing his suitcase when Gen enters the room, hot on his heels.
“I’m sorry,” she says.
“Get your suitcase,” is Jared’s answering growl.  
“Jared, we can’t just leave your mom’s wedding right now. And what about Jeff?”
She’s talking to him like he’s a five year old child that needs to be coaxed
out from hiding. And she’s exactly right. He knows he’s being selfish and a
complete idiot and not to mention completely immature. He needs to take a
breather and then face his mom and Jeff and probably the guys when they’re
ready for him. But he just… can’t.
“I just need to leave, Gen. I can’t be here.” He grabs more stuff at random and
stuffs them all in the suitcase.
“What’s so terrible about them knowing, huh? I mean, it was a shitty way for
them to find out, but it’s out in the open now. And I’m really sorry Jared
about how it went down. I really am.”
When Jared keeps on ignoring her, she continues.
“I just couldn’t handle that Jensen making me out as some kind of hussy that
got picked up at random. I’m your fiancé, Jared.” Her voice is perfectly calm
and he just doesn’t understand how she can remain so calm, even though he’s
literally packing his shit to avoid talking about them to anyone.
“Do you really want to marry me?” It’s him who asks the question and he doesn’t
know who he’s surprising more with that.
“Of course I do. Babe, I love you. Don’t you know that?” She answers softly.
She’s being nothing but sweet, but her open love for him hurts. He looks down
to the shirt he’s holding, a stupid flowery shirt Mikey got him on their
infamous shopping spree.
“How can you love me-“ There’s a lump of shame clogging up his throat and he
has to swallow hard to be able to get the rest out. “Gen, if only you knew the
real me. The things I’ve done.” Even in trying to be honest to her, he’s still
being selfish, needing to get things off his chest just to make himself feel
better and he knows this.
He can see the worry and confusion warring on her face and she steps forward,
softly touching the hand still clutching the shirt. “Jared, do you want to
marry me?”
When he nods, she seems to decide on something. “Well, then I can get to know
the real you in time.”
He can’t stop the shake of his head at her every word. “I love you, Jared. We
can work it out. Whatever it is.”
“I don’t think-“
“I’m sure it’s not that bad, Jared.” When she squeezes his hand at that, still
so understanding, something snaps in him.
“I cheated on you,” he hisses and he regrets his confession immediately when
she physically recoils. The silence that follows is deafening, but it’s not
stopping Jared. In for a penny, in for pound. “I cheated on you the day you
said yes to me.”
After a few beats of stony silence, he barely catches her question.
“Who was she?” She asks, barely above a whisper.
He tries choosing his words carefully but it still comes out as blunt as can
be. “Guys.”
“What?” Gen’s eyes are wide, her face ashen.
“I cheated on you with guys, Gen.” He’s being harsh, and he knows it. But he
really wants the fight that is inevitably coming. He wants to see the disgust
on her face and hear the cutting words that will follow, because he knows he
deserves them. He’s disappointed when none of it comes.
“Does that mean you’re gay, Jared?” And she says the word so calmly without any
connotation to it, that it surprises him. Jared knows that the easy way out
would be to say yes. To blame it all on his repressed homosexuality, but it’s
not the truth. He’s all in now.
“No,” he answers truthfully. “I’m pretty sure I go either way.”
That seems to hurt her even more. “So, I just wasn’t enough, is that it?”
“God, Gen. No! No.” When he takes a step towards her, she takes an even bigger
step away.
She wraps her arms around herself, tears flowing freely now. “Why the fuck on
earth did you ask me to marry you, Jared?” Her breath hitches. “We were four
months in, we were good. I say yes and you jumpstart fucking guys?”
He starts a sentence several times, her rapt attention on him making it
difficult to say anything.
“What?! You thought you’d get your last kicks in before we got married? Is that
it?” Her voice rises with every word, almost on the verge of yelling.
“I panicked.” He hisses. “I fucking panicked okay?”
“You panicked?” She matches her volume to his, hissing back. “Then why ask me
to marry you, huh? What was the rush?”
She doesn’t wait for his reply, instead grabs her own suitcase and starts
jamming all her clothes in.
He regards her silently for a few moments, trying to get his own reasoning for
his actions in order.
“I was so in love with you, Gen,” he says honestly.
She snorts at that.
“It’s true. I just knew I had to make you mine officially. You were everything
I wanted in a woman.”
“Except a dick,” she murmurs.
Jared ignores that, instead trying to convey his love for her and his own
subsequent irrational downwards spiral.
“You got so excited, Gen. So excited.”
She gives him a hostile look at that. “Well forgive me for being excited that
the man I loved, loved me back enough to want to marry me. How stupid of me.”
She spits the words out and stalks into the adjacent bathroom, grabbing her
toiletries.
He follows her to the bathroom and stands in the doorway as she collects her
things.
“I guess… I guess it hit me that I was going to spend the rest of my life with
you, and you didn’t even know what you were getting in to.” He swallows to get
the dryness out of his mouth. He never realized that that was what drove him to
those nameless faces and the poppers and whatever the hell else he could get
his hands on to mute everything.
“I was afraid that you’d see, that you’d find out what a piece of work I really
am and I just snapped.”
“Well, look what good it did us now Jared.” She scoffs. “I should’ve known
something was up when you refused to let me tell anyone about it, when you lied
about where you were going and why. God, I’m so fucking stupid.”
He lets her pass by and grabs her by the shoulder. “You’re an amazing woman,
Gen and you deserve the best.”
Her face is down and her body tense. He rubs her shoulder a little bit and
catches movement from the corner of his eye. Jensen is standing in the door way
with an angry look on his face.
Before Jared can react to it, Jensen is already gone and Gen is facing him with
an angry look.
“Jens?” She asks. He must have said something after all.
She goes over to her suitcase again trying to zip it up. “I really am a fucking
idiot,” she says to herself, letting out a self-deprecating laugh. “You called
me that the other night too. Guess you weren’t talking to me.” She pushes hard
on her suitcase almost ripping the zipper off with the force she’s laying in on
it. “No wonder he was being such an asshole to me.”
She looks him dead in the eye then, regarding him a few moments. “You’re in
love with him.” It’s definitely not a question. She states it as a matter of
fact.
Jared gets interrupted before he can even process the shock of someone talking
about him and Jensen so bluntly.
“Seriously?” Mikey is the one to yell at him, almost in the exact same manner
as he did all those years ago when he caught Jared on the verge of leaving.
Tommy and Mikey are standing in the doorway looking at the shirt Jared is still
clutching and his open suitcase.
Gen grabs her momentum then and hauls her suitcase out of the room. “Nice
meeting you guys,” she says to Tommy and Mikey and turns to Jared. “I’ll need a
few days at the apartment.” That he’d better not show up there, doesn’t have to
be said.
Tommy stands in the doorway with an expressionless look upon his face, arms
crossed, stance close off.
“Mikey…” Jared starts. But Mikey is having none of it, instead going about the
room gathering more of Jared’s stuff and throwing them on the bed.
“Let me make this easier for you,” he says.
“Mikey, stop! I was going to say goodbye.”
Mikey snorts. “Hear that Tommy? He was gonna say goodbye this time.” He turns
facing Jared and grabs the shirt out of his hand. “You don’t get to take this
shirt with you while you’re running away.”
“I’m not running away guys,” Jared says and he looks at Tommy for help, but
he’s not budging.
“You ran away fifteen years ago and you’re running away now,” Mikey yells at
him. “We’re sick of it Jared!” Mikey must have seen the way his words cut
Jared. “Ugh, please. We’re not sick of you, you giant asshole. We’re sick of
being left behind. We’re sick of being caught in the middle of whatever shit
you and Jensen get into every single time. That’s what we’re fucking sick of!”
Jared’s pretty sure Mikey’s about to punch him in the face and Tommy must have
thought so too, because he steps forward and lays a hand on Mikey’s shoulder.
Mikey deflates at Tommy’s touch and regards Jared with an angry look. Jared
must make some kind of forlorn impression, because Mikey lowers his volume and
changes his tone.
“We’ve known about you and Jensen. We’ve always known. And we’ve never cared.
We didn’t care up until the point that you decided that you couldn’t trust us
and that we weren’t worth being told what the fuck was going on.”
“Mikey,” Tommy warns.
“No, Tommy! These assholes need to get their asshole shit together and fucking
finally realize what kinds of assholes they’re being.”
Mikey doesn’t get it when Tommy starts honest to god giggling and when Jared
giggles right along with him.
“What the fuck, you guys?! I’m mad here!”
“Yeah we got that” Tommy says.
“Your creative use of the word ‘asshole’ clued us in I think.” Jared says.
Mikey punches him in the arm then, definitely not pulling it.
“You don’t get to laugh at our pain.” he says. Jared rubs at his arm trying to
get the feeling back.
Tommy is the one to break the silence and the staring they’ve got going on.
“This isn’t right, Jack,” he says.
Jared feels guilty and ashamed at the same time. He was about to pull the same
crap he pulled fifteen years ago. Time hasn’t taught him shit and he’s going to
need to fix a lot of things in his life, starting with his friends. Genevieve
literally walking out on him for being a bastard hurts, but it has also lifted
a weight off of chest. He realizes what an incredible bastard he’s being still,
even during his epiphany. He knows what he has to do.
“Everything got so messed up guys,” he says instead. “My head’s been hiding in
my ass for the past fifteen years. And you’re right. You’re so fucking right.
None of you deserves the shit I’ve pulled.”
“Damn right we don’t.” Mikey murmurs. Tommy cuts him a look and Mikey holds up
his hands in defense. They’re both aware that Jared’s having a ‘moment’.
“A lot of stuff are gonna need a lot of fixing. And I want you guys to be there
with me along the way.”
Tommy and Mikey both give him expectant looks.
“So what does this mean?” Mikey asks.
Jared’s answer is a grin.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
The guys helped me put everything back in its place, so that Jeff and my mom
would never find out what kind of crap I was about to pull again.
The first thing I did was go downstairs, just in time to see Genevieve off as
she was about to step in the cab.
“Gen,” I had said, a little bit scared of the open hostility in her face. “The
rent’s paid for the next few months and I want you to have the apartment.”
I could see how surprised she was at that. “I’m just going to have to pick up
my stuff at one point, but I will let you know in time.”
She nodded at me and tears had started to well up in her eyes again. I stepped
forward to hug her and she, to my surprise, accepted.
“I really am sorry,” I had said. “Sorry for all this shit I caused and all the
pain I brought on. You deserve so much more, Gen. So much. And I’m gonna fix
things. I’m gonna fix things and at one point in the future you might not even
hate me anymore. I’m gonna make damn sure.”
It spoke more of her character that she let me finish my rotten excuse and
accepted my touch, even after everything, than it spoke about my character
generously giving her the apartment and apologizing.
She had snorted a laugh into my shirt and punched me lightly.
“It will take a lot of time, Jared,” she had said. “And I really can’t be
around you for the time being.”
Then, the cabdriver had honked and I had waved her off. I would see her again
in a month’s time or so. Our interaction would definitely be awkward, but with
time, a lot of time, she would let me back into her life. Not too long after,
she would meet a guy, a guy that really made her happy she would tell me. And
not even too long after that, a baby would be in sight.
Of course every so often, at the mention of her happiness and her new guy, I
would feel some jealousy and then I would berate myself for being such an
asshole that I would even give myself the right to feel like that. But at one
point I’m proud to say that all I ever felt was truly happy for her.
After my apology, it was time to face Jeff and my mom. In the time I had spent
upstairs, the guests had started to trickle out and I had found them sitting in
the yard. Instead of wearing happy but tired faces, they were just wearing
tired faces.
I plopped down in the chair, facing them, literally.
“Gen and I are no longer together,” I had started. “Jeff, you were right. She
didn’t deserve what I was putting her through.” 
Jeff and my mom had just looked at me, knowing that the rest would come rolling
out of me eventually.
“There is so much.” Words were hard to come by at that moment. “There’s so much
I need to apologize for. Starting with you, mom.”
At different points during my long, long apology either I was crying, or Jeff
was or my mom. I apologized for leaving her fifteen years ago and thanking her
for letting me go. I apologized for being such a little shit and then a grown
up shit. I apologized for being distant, for lying and for keeping things from
them. I apologized for not being the son she deserved.
In trying to explain myself, I guess I had a sort of coming out. Nothing
dramatic happened as I tried to explain how heartbroken I was over a ‘person’
and how that same ‘person’ had continued to haunt my every decision in one way
or another.
“I knew, Jared,” my mom had said, shocking me to my very core. “You what?” I
had said. That was something that I really had not seen coming.
“I saw the way Jensen and you looked at each other during those days, Jared.
You had so much love shining in your eyes. And the way that boy looked at you.
Well, you can’t hide something like that from a mother.”
I was nailed to the same chair I was sitting in, shocked that my mother had
known and shocked that all these years of being ashamed and subconsciously
being afraid of her reaction, it hadn’t even been necessary. And that really,
pretty much all of my decisions were made out of stupidity.
A single uttering of “Mom,” escaped my lips and she had swooped in and hugged
me tightly. Jeff had joined then too, both of them hugging me close and without
words telling me that I had been an idiot and there would be no lacking in the
love they felt for me.
Eventually they let go of me and my mom held my face in her hands, looking me
dead in the eye.
“You’ve always been a little shit, Jared,” she had said with a smile. “But the
question is: what are you going to do about it?”
And some thoughts that had idly been roaming around in my head for the past
hours, forced themselves to the foreground.
“I wanna buy the house,” I had said, surprising myself with how much certainty
it came out, more than it surprised them, going by the reaction they gave. Jeff
and my mom had smiled proudly at me, like I finally had gotten the clue.
“We already put it in your name, son,” Jeff had told me.
The next hours were spent with us sharing the leftover food and the wine,
randomly opening up presents and planning my near foreseeable future.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
A slight breeze relieves some of the sweltering heat pressing in on Jared. He’s
clad in a simple white t-shirt, khakis and his slippers, but sweat’s trickling
down everywhere. There’s no escaping the heat.
He thinks back to the cold breeze he’d be feeling if he were standing on his
San Francisco balcony, but that’s over now. Jared’s here and he’s not leaving.
The past few weeks were spent running around, wrapping up things and tying up
loose ends.
One of the first things he’d done was visit his publisher and show them one
chapter he’d written of his promised book. Suffices to say, they were not
pleased. When Jared had pitched the idea for his next book, they had dropped
him so fast, his head was still spinning. To be honest, he wasn’t really that
broken up about it.
Ten minutes, his watch tells him.
The last loose end left to settle wasn’t as easy and wasn’t going to be as easy
as everything else. The moving out and moving in had been easy enough, the
guys, Jeff and his mom helping out as much as they could. Per Jared’s request,
Jensen was left out of the equation.
He sighs, wiping the sweat from his brow. Five minutes.
“You’re here,” comes a surprised response.
Damn Jensen and his punctuality. Jared needed more time to gather his thoughts,
dangit.
“Why are you here?”
Jared swallows, dragging his hands through his hair.
“Do you remember this place?” He asks instead of answering.
Jensen has a scowl on his face when he answers. “Of course I remember this
place. What I don’t know is why we are standing here and why I was lured here
under false pretenses.”
Jared’s got Jeff to thank for that. They’re standing on the rooftop of what
used to be Jeff’s Soda Shoppe and now Jeff’s Soda Shoppe Diner.
They’re standing on the same rooftop that holds so many memories.
Jared sees it the moment the right memory dawns on Jensen.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
1983
“Come on Mikey. Let’s get you a soda or something before you melt.”
“Y’r too kind, Tommy.”
Jared watches as Tommy helps Mikey up and practically has to carry him away
through the door.
Jared’s lying on his back, book forgotten next to him. The heat is so stifling
he can’t do much more than lie down, hoping to catch a breeze every once in a
while.
Jensen is in no better condition, lying next to him on his stomach, probably
asleep.
Mikey left the boombox he’s lately been carrying around, feeling all cool and
hip, on the rooftop with them. It’s droning out the high tunes of Frank Valley
and the Four Seasons’ Sherry, which Mikey had taped from the radio.
It’s so hot out right now that the heat he’s feeling within, is definitely not
due to how close Jensen is to him.
Jared groans and turns his head to the side, facing Jensen. Jensen’s eyes are
wide open and he’s looking right at Jared, pinning him with his stare. He gives
Jared a small smile before blowing gently in Jared’s face, trying to cool him
off.
Jared’s usual response would’ve been to yell out an indignant “gross!” and a
punch added to it. But he’s too caught up in the way Jensen’s looking at him.
Jensen’s smile is gone, instead he’s looking at a spot near Jared’s nose and
Jared crosses his eyes trying to see what Jensen is looking at.
Jensen chuckles when he catches Jared’s cross eyed look and lifts his hand to
Jared’s mouth, softly wiping away at the sweat beaded above Jared’s upper lip.
Jared’s breath is caught in his throat as Jensen gently swipes the moisture
across his upper lip and traces his lower lip.
It doesn’t even occur to Jared that he could pull back, swipe his hand across
his own mouth and thank Jensen for it. Instead, he’s trapped stock still as he
stares at Jensen.
His own tongue unconsciously traces the trail Jensen left behind, tasting the
saltiness of his own sweat. Jensen licks his own lips too, still focused on
where his hand is touching Jared’s lips. When Jared’s tongue accidentally
touches Jensen’s thumb, he pulls his hand away as if burned.
Neither of them pull away or look away. Jensen’s eyes are on him and he can’t
understand what’s happening, what Jensen’s getting at. 
Before Jared realizes it, Jensen closes the distance between them, pressing his
lips softly to Jared’s. When Jared doesn’t move back or pull away, like he
knows he probably should, Jensen pulls back a little, changing the angle when
he presses his lips to Jared’s again.
Instead of freaking out, being disgusted or anything of the sort, all Jared
thinks is with a dry voice ‘Jensen is kissing me. I’m being kissed for the
first time.’
The sound of the rooftop door being opened makes Jensen jumps back so fast
there’s nearly three feet between them when Tommy and Mikey appear and plop
down on either side of them.
“Got you girls some too,” Mikey says, pressing the cold bottle into Jared’s
side, making him hiss.
Jared watches on with tingling lips as Jensen gratefully takes the bottle from
Tommy and pops the cap open. Before he takes his first swallow, he licks his
lips and gives Jared a small smile.
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
 “I remember,” Jensen tells him, but he still has a scowl on his face. “Why are
you here, Jared?”
Jared inches his way forward as he answers. “I live here. Well, not here, here.
But I think you remember the address.”
Jensen’s response is to gape at him for a moment, forgetting that he’s mad at
Jared.
When Jared steps a little bit closer, Jensen seems to come back to himself and
he scowls at Jared again.
“What do you mean, you ‘live here’?”
Jared smiles at him again. “For starters it means that I’m a homeowner and that
I’m officially a Texan again.”
Jensen however, is not thawing. “Well, I hear this place is great to raise
kids. You made a great decision.”
Jared’s confused for a moment, but the ‘oh’ moment follows closely.
“Well it’s just me for now, maybe I’ll get a dog later. You know how I’ve
always wanted a dog.”
That seems to get through whatever’s clouding Jensen’s mind.
“For how long?”
His question seems out of the blue and at Jared’s confused expression, Jensen
continues.
“How long before you leave your summer vacation house?”
Jared knows what’s going on; his track record really doesn’t speak in his
favor.
“I’m pretty sure my summer house is also a ‘fall house’ and a ‘winter house’,
not too sure about its spring business, but I guess I can make that work.”
He sees how his breezy responses are grating on Jensen’s nerves and Jensen
doesn’t disappoint.
“How long before you leave this fucking place again, Jared?! How long before
you become bored and none of it is good enough for you?!”
He grabs Jensen before he can step away from Jared.
“I’m gonna stay for however long it takes for you to realize that I’m not
leaving.”
His touch and his words seem to have calmed Jensen into silence.
They stand there, looking at each other for a few long moments, Jensen angry
expression morphing into that of a confused one. And, shit, Jared’s lost him
again.
“So when I realize you’re not leaving, you’re not gonna stay anymore?”
 “What?” He’s confused at Jensen’s angry tone.
“There’s no logic in that sentence you asshole. Are you sure you’re a writer?”
It takes Jared a few seconds to realize that Jensen’s teasing him, but Jensen’s
small smile is a pretty good clue too.
“Shut up, Face,” Jared says, leaning in closer.
“Jackwad.”
“Frackles.”
“Padass.”
“I actually really liked that one,” Jared murmurs against Jensen’s mouth.
Jensen’s comeback is lost as Jared presses his lips softly to Jensen’s in the
same exact manner Jensen had done all those years ago.
Jensen laughs against his mouth. “You’re stealing my best moves, kid.”
“They’re good moves,” Jared laughs back. He leans in for another kiss, but
Jensen stops him.
“You’re really here? For real?” He asks softly.
“Well, yeah. I kinda promised Mikey, and you know how he gets.”
They stand there for a few moments, just looking and smiling at each other,
like a couple of idiots.
“Okay, let’s try some of my old moves again.” And before they can lean in for
another kiss, the door to the rooftop opens, revealing Tommy and Mikey.
“Well, well, well,” Mikey says, smirking. “Would ya look at that Tommy? That
looks mighty intimate.”
“Shut up Mikey,” Jensen growls, but he’s smiling at the same time.
“You guys good?” Tommy asks.
Jared and Jensen share a look, and it must’ve gone on a little longer than
expected, because Mikey interrupts them again. “Will you two idiots stop
grinning at each other and come downstairs so we can have some fucking ice
cream?”
They all laugh as they follow each other downstairs to Jeff’s diner.
They’re seated in what they had dubbed their own private booth. And Jeff had
made sure to keep this one open. He comes up to them, removing the ‘reserved’
sign even though the diner is empty and he winks at Jared.
“What will it be boys? No wait, let me guess: all the soda flavors we have, for
Jared. Two scoops of vanilla with sprinkles for Tommy here and I guess the ice
cream machine, for Mikey. Oh and Jensen, for the life of me, I can’t remember
what it was you’d like to have.”
They all give Jeff a cheeky grin, very well remembering the afternoon they had
laid siege on Jeff’s store and had gorged themselves on everything they could
get their hands on. Jared had saved Jensen a cone with two scoops of chocolate
mint.
“Two scoops of chocolate mint, for me Jeff.” Jensen smiles toothily and throws
a wink at Jared.
Jeff walks away, his booming laugh resounding in the empty diner.
 “You know we caught you guys making out on that same rooftop,” Mikey says
casually.
 “Perv,” Jensen says and he punches Mikey lightly in the arm.
Well that explains how they knew.
“You guys never said anything.”
“We weren’t sure if we should. I mean, we were just a couple kids back then.
You guys were kids too. And boys kissing other boys… I sure as hell didn’t know
how to respond,” Tommy says.
“And God, the amount of ammunition you guys had given me! And I couldn’t use
any of it because Tommy made me promise not to,” Mikey whines, adding “But it’s
all fair game now. You realize that right?”.
Jared’s amazed at his friends, that they’re still so casual about this and they
had the mentality to not push any homophobic bullshit on them even at that age,
at that time. Jared realizes that everything could’ve worked out so
differently.
Jared wants to thank them, apologize to them, hug them and hell, even kiss
them. But he doesn’t get to do any of that, because Jeff comes out with a big
tray of banana splits for everyone.
“This isn’t what we ordered, old man,” Mikey teases.
“You best watch that mouth of yours, Mikey. I still clean that ice cream
machine like there’s no tomorrow.”
Jared’s mom appears at Jeff’s side, with her newest camera addition. Jared
never really took to photography much, but his mom really found her passion.
All the gifts she’s received over the years were either cameras or camera
parts. Jeff must’ve gotten her a new one again.
“Nice to see you again boys,” she greets them all.
“Hi, Mrs. Padalecki.” The guys chant in unison and then “Excuse us Mrs.
Padalecki-Morgan.” His mom never could get the Mrs. Padalecki part beaten out
of them, but Jared thinks she still secretly gets a kick out of it to see the
same mischievous boys call her the same name now that they’re fully grown men.
Jared smiles at her and nods towards the camera. “Got another fancy addition,
mom?”
“Sure as hell did.” She smiles up at Jeff and he leans down to give her a kiss.
Jared looks around the booth, noting his friends’ happy faces and he’s happy to
say that everything feels good. Everything feels right.
“Hey, ma. Any film in that?”
“Sure, kid. Why?”
“Take a picture of us, will ya?”
They all pose neatly for the camera as his mom snaps a picture of them.
“Okay, now let’s do a snapshot picture of all y’all eating or something,” she
suggests.
“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Mikey says and happily picks up his spoon and
digs into his banana split.
Jared looks at Jensen and sneakily reaches over to steal his cherry. Jensen’s
indignant “Hey!” gets lost in Mikey’s outcry and Tommy’s evil cackling.
When they look over, they see Mikey’s face covered in ice cream and Tommy next
to him, shaking in silent laughter.
Mikey is quiet and sitting there so dejectedly, that they’re all not sure if
they should laugh. But Tommy picks up his own cherry and plants it right in the
middle of the glob of ice cream on Mikey’s face.
They all crack up simultaneously, Jeff joining in and his mother snapping
pictures of them.
It’s safe to say that this is the happiest he’s been in a long, long time.
It might have taken him a long time to get there, but there never really should
have been a doubt about it. Not with friends like these.
                                      End
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
                                        
                                   Epilogue
 
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
2001
Nothing changed between us. The whole group never changed. Chris and Steve were
there along the way, quickly becoming best friends of mine as well and always
there when needed.
Tommy married his girl and things were touch and go between him and Mikey for a
little while when they realized that they wouldn’t be living together any more.
The problem ended when the house next to theirs came up for sale.
Mikey met someone too, a divorcé almost ten years his senior and two young kids
to go with the package. To everybody’s surprise, Mikey turned out to be an
amazing dad to those kids, raising them as his own and finally, officially
adopting them when he married their mom.
As Tommy and Mikey got their life together, Jensen and I were just those two
‘eternal bachelors’ on the block who people thought raised dogs. Jensen knew my
love for dogs and I damn well knew his soft spot for things furry and in need
of help. It was only natural for us to buy up the old animal shelter one town
over, and it was natural for me to get attached and bring them home. At one
point, Jensen and I had accumulated five dogs. 
Things weren’t smooth sailing for a long time. There always seemed to be some
residual anxiety in Jensen that I would up and leave again. But I always told
him the same thing I had said all those years ago“I’m gonna stay for however
long it takes for you to realize that I’m not leaving.” So I guess he might’ve
played up the anxiety every once in a while.
Being with Jensen and my friends, surrounded by “parents” (Yes, Jeff officially
adopted me at age 29…), was the best thing that could have happened to me. I
was grounded and secure and I finally got to work on my passion, what you are
reading right now.
Life was good. We had our bar nights at Kane’s and our lunches at Jeff’s where
our idiot faces  are forever immortalized in a picture taken that fateful day
that changed my life forever.
The same picture has a place in all our houses along with the same picture of
us four having met that very first time.
So I guess you’re wondering what my whole point in writing this little book
was. I guess it all boils down to this: friends are hard to come by, great
friends are even nearly impossible to come by. So if you happen to be as lucky
as I have been to have even found more than one, latch on to them like crazy. I
happened to find three best friends, amongst them a soul mate and a partner for
life when I was eight. So, I guess what I’m saying is: hug your best friends,
ditch the ones that aren’t good for you and make the choices that you think
will make you happy and know that there are people out there who love you no
matter what.
I guess in writing this story I was hoping to encompass what my life journey
was all about: friendship. That’s all I really wanted to tell you.
Thanks for reading.
---
To ‘Face’, ‘Rembrandt’ and ‘Cheeks’: this is dedicated to the idiots we once
were and the idiots we still are.
Thank you.
Jack
 
P.s.
Mikey I know you’re drawing a penis somewhere in this book and I will beat you.
 
                                      End
                                  &&&&&&&&&&&
End Notes
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