Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1852405.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Panic!_at_the_Disco
  Relationship:
      Ryan_Ross/Brendon_Urie
  Character:
      Brendon_Urie, Ryan_Ross, Jon_Walker, Spencer_Smith, George_Ryan_Ross_II,
      Grace_Urie, Boyd_Urie
  Additional Tags:
      Child_Abuse, Child_Neglect, Underage_Drinking, Underage_Smoking, child
      rape, Alcoholism, Mpreg, pregnant_brendon, Attempted_Murder, Child
      Murder, Abusive_Father, gross_living_conditions, child_molestation, PTSD
      Ryan, Bipolar_Ryan, Dissociative_Identity_Disorder, Paranoid_Ryan,
      Service_Dogs, Suicide_Attempt, Homophobia, Self-Harm, Eating_Disorders,
      Anorexia, Bulimia, Mental_Abuse, only_a_little_lactation, Child
      Abandonment
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-06-26 Completed: 2015-07-23 Chapters: 23/23 Words: 149960
****** This Was No Accident ******
by orphan_account
Summary
     You don't want to read this
***** Chapter 1 *****
A new torrential sweep of rain fell on the development as Brendon pulled his
red hoody higher over his face and snuggled closer into Ryan's side. They were
trying to enjoy their last day of summer together, relaxing on Brendon's porch
as usual, but they seemed to be in the middle of a hurricane.
Sitting on the plastic white folding chair on the opposite side of the sidewalk
porch as the black bench, Spencer shared a suspecting glance with Jon, who sat
on the other end of the bench of the cuddling pair.
"You guys are so gay," Spencer said. "Stop cuddling."
"It's cold and raining out here!" Brendon said. "It's for warmth." It was
normal for all four of them to do that. Especially on snowy days, after ice
fights they could huddle together without a second glance.
"It's not even cold out."
"Yes it is. Shut up."
With her black pea coat pulled tightly around her, Grace stepped out of her
house. She closed the door, but before she went to her car to drive to her job,
she lifted an eyebrow at her son cuddling with the other boy. "Trying to tell
me something, B?"
"No!" he said quickly and slid forcefully away from Ryan, knocking hard into
Jon.
"Dude! Watch it."
"Sorry!" Brendon looked back up to his mom. "I'm not gay. Why is everyone here
so obsessed with me being gay?"
"I'm not obsessed. Just, are you sure?" she asked as she leaned down to kiss
his head.
"Positive."
"You know it would be ok if you are," she said
"I. Am. Not. Gay."
"Your mom thinks you're gay," Spencer snickered.
"Ok," she said. Brendon stood to hug her and she squeezed him tight. "I'm going
to work, okay? Nobody's allowed over, only answer the phone if it's me, lock
the door, and call me when you're gonna eat."
"You're too overprotective."
"I want you to be safe!"
"Mom, I'm 16 and you tell me the same things everyday," he said. "I mean,
really? I have to call you while I'm eating?"
"Of course! I know somebody who's son choked to death while eating home alone.
He was 37."
"Well whatever," Brendon said. He picked at his finger nails. "Are you coming
home for lunch?"
"No, I should have a conference call, but it still might be pushed to tomorrow.
So no letting anyone over and no going over anyone else's house, ok?"
Brendon rolled his eyes and plopped back down to his seat. "K, Mom."
"Alright," Spencer started, standing once they had all finished waving Grace
goodbye through the heavy sheets of rain they were only barely protected from
by the over hang over the porch. It was rare they would stay out in rain,
unless playing in it. But it was the last day of summer. Still, he'd had enough
and would rather video games. "I'm going in."
"Can I come over?" Jon asked.
The first nodded in a yawn and stretch. "You two?"
"Spencer!" Brendon said while surreptitiously tugging on Ryan's jacket. "You
heard my mom! No going over other people's houses!"
He scoffed. "You act as if you actually listen to her. You, Ryan?"
"Em.. nah. I'm not sure if my dad's up yet and he's been sorta weird lately. He
might get angry if he sees I'm not home. I should probably go back now."
"You know the deal," Spencer said halfheartedly. "If you're ever in real
trouble: Jon's is closest, but you can hide in my house or B's." He tried not
to sound like a broken record.
Ryan nodded. "Yeah, yeah." It was the same thing every day. "I'll be fine."
"You don't have anything new, do you?" Jon asked. He wasn't sure he really
wanted to know, but it was a bit of a routine question. Like a check up.
Ryan pulled his hoody away to show his neck, then lifted his tattered, scrappy
jean leg to show a piece towards the bottom of his tiny calf. He nodded almost
admirably at it. It was a good one.
On the bench, Brendon found his knees to face Ryan. "Why?"
The dirty one sighed. He was exhausted from all of this. His friends. "I came
in way too late, last night. I deserved it."
"You went in at seven," Brendon said. His nose was a little wrinkled. "I was
with you. You only stayed out till seven."
"Seven is too late. I should've known that, B. And now I do. He disciplined me
last night for doing something wrong. I won't do it again, now."
"Seven is too late?"
"Yeah, it fucking is."
"You need to tell someone," Spencer said quickly. It was only the trillionth
time they'd suggested it, all too soft on him to do it themselves when they
threatened. "Call the police. Before I do, I'm serious this time."
Ryan lifted his lip just slightly and cocked his head at Spencer. "There is
nothing wrong with this, you fucking pissant. I am his son, his kid. He has the
right to discipline me without you all out here threatening to call the cops. I
did something wrong and physical discipline is his way of correcting me."
"This isn't 'discipline', this is child abuse," Jon said. "He's messing you up,
physically and mentally. You're gonna be messed up from this."
Ryan was only looking more and more dangerous as they continued to comment, but
Spencer kept on anyway, not afraid. Ryan flew off the handle far too often to
be normal. And randomly, too. Sometimes he would agree that he needed help, but
calmly ask that they keep quiet until he was ready to say goodbye to his father
he loved so much, and had a good place to stay. He'd admit that he got terrible
anxiety thinking about ever leaving, and only found comfort in fantasies of
running away knowing they were only fantasies. Sometimes he would defend his
father. Promise none of it hurt. That the 'man' didn't give him anymore open
wounds, not in a long time, though they knew that wasn't true. That it was only
a few hits that he could always handle. He said that the closet was no big deal
and, really, he could bust out if he liked. But, sometimes, Ryan fell into some
awful rages, where he screamed at them something vulgar and he came after them
to hurt and often kill. Lucky for his friends, however, Ryan was only fed on
Sundays. Though he didn't usually eat, ever. And even towering above the
tallest -Spencer (so far), at 6' flat, Ryan was no match. He did his best to
intimidate and threatened everything he could, but he never left more than a
small brown bruise and maybe a pink scratch if his brittle nails could handle
it.
"Ryan, it isn't fucking right! I sort of care about you, you fuck face, I'm not
gonna stand by and watch him kill you slowly!"
Ryan shot up and shoved Spencer back into the buttress. "Fuck you! You don't
know anything." he roared and went for the neck. "You'd better mind your own
fucking business before I kill you."
Spencer was the strongest of them all anyway and had no trouble twisting,
pulling Ryan's twig-like arm off, and pushing him hard back into the bench.
"You need to relax."
Ryan crossed his arms, almost smugly, and looked Spencer up and down. He almost
wanted to gain weight just to be able to murder them all, then lose it again.
He spit on Spencer's feet and didn't flinch from a groan and balling of fists.
"When's the last time you cut?" Brendon asked, playing with his hands. Maybe it
was odd that his and Ryan's self harm was such an easy, open topic for them
all. They got teased for it, called faggots, but that was never what caused it
in the first place, bullying. Not from friends or piers, anyway. And he wanted
anything to distract Spencer so he would relax.
"Last night," he grumbled and pulled up his sleeve. He showed a shooting match
of red, and some pink, deep, deeper than Brendon would ever dare, long slits,
beaded with big, black blobs of blood. There were frozen rivulets among smears
of the vital fluid on the dirty, never before washed arm.
Carefully trailing a finger over the wounds, Brendon frowned, making Ryan
flinch, but not pull away from trusted hands. "You need to stop," he said
quietly, hoping the torrential enough downpour would drown him out to his 'just
friends' friends.
"You do it," Ryan said. He was regretting lying, saying he had to go inside.
Brendon shook his head. "Never this deep. What if you hit a vein?"
"God, I hope I do."
"I stopped."
"Oh, you did?" Ryan asked, turning to him with a smile. He ignored the weird
looks he got from Jon and Spencer for the clearly-too-affectionate-for-them
response. "That's so good. I'm glad."
Brendon gave a weak smile. He needed more research, at least, pretty sure that
that was just a stereotype.
Thunder cracked loud and close, and with the blink of Brendon's eyes, Jon and
Spencer were gone, running to safety. "Do you really have to go?" he asked
charily.
Ryan shook his head. "No. I only said that because I thought you wanted me to
stay."
"Yeah, I-. Want to come over?"
"Yeah, sure. I'm just gonna go get a drink real quick, ok? I'm dying, but I'll
be fast."
A smile slipped onto his lips and he nodded. "You can just let yourself in,
ok?"
Brendon only needed to wait a few minutes to have Ryan, dripping wet and
slightly cleaner from the hard falling rain, smell neutralized enough for the
two so used to it, to come inside.
Brendon set the remote down. He was trying to decide if background noise would
be better than not. He slowly approached Ryan, still standing in front of the
closed door, as seductively as he could without being obvious. He cocked his
hips and his hands found Ryan's chest. "Um," he started, sounding less
confident than he appeared. He swallowed and led Ryan to the couch, though Ryan
didn't sit down. Not without a towel.
"We don't have to do anything you don't want," he said and saw Ryan's eyes
immediately open wider. But he went on to justify his suggestion before making
it. "But we're 16 and 17 and we've been together for, what? two years. Well, I
don't mean together like that obviously. But. We do things anyway, and I trust
you to go further with me. And it's the last day of summer. So maybe... I think
you know what I'm asking."
Ryan gave a weak smile and nodded. "Sex? Like real sex?"
Brendon returned it. "Do you want to try?"
"Yeah, man. Of course."
"Really?" he asked, but didn't wait for another answer. "Ok, we need to go get
some lube and condoms, and I think we-."
"Why?" Ryan interrupted. "We don't need that stuff. You must have lotion or oil
or something here already."
"Can you really do that?"
Ryan nodded. "Yeah, of course. It won't hurt you."
"Then condoms," Brendon said. "You can go on your bike?"
Ryan shook his head.
"Well then let me borrow it and I'll go. I should anyway since you're so weak
and all."
Ryan shook his head again. "No, why do we need condoms?"
"Because. Safe sex."
"What? Are you stupid?" he asked and lifted an eyebrow at Brendon's hurt look.
"I mean-. Babe, I know you're not stupid, don't take it like that." He also
knew Brendon was very sensitive, especially when it came to his intelligence.
Ryan was sure the teasing, the bullying Brendon got from his father was worse
than any scrape or bruise he got. Ryan was very glad to see Boyd, Brendon's
dad, go to live in a whole other country with a different family than to know
he was still with him, abusing him and making him feel sad. It was no wonder
Brendon had stopped his self harming ways now about a year after his father had
gone. Brendon wasn't very happy to see him go, and felt abandoned, Ryan knew,
but maybe he was starting to heal.
Ryan sighed, angry with himself at Brendon's clearly watering eyes. "Babe."
"I am stupid," Brendon whined. "Just go, you don't want to be with a stupid,
fat, ugly fucking idiot."
Ryan didn't even point out jokingly that the sentence was very redundant. Fat
and ugly with stupid and idiot. "You're not,' he promised. "Now stop, stop
crying. Have sex with me babe, let's go do it. Come on. I love you, you fucking
perfect, beautiful, intelligent little angel."
Brendon giggled and pushed Ryan's hips back, they were being pushed to his
face. "Stop it."
"Come on. We don't need condoms, my love. We're both virgin boys. Let's go, go,
come on."
Brendon was at least glad to see Ryan was so excited. "Can you even have sex?"
he asked, almost in passing while he led Ryan to his room.
"What do you mean? Of course I can. Can you?"
"I'm not 50 pounds under weight."
"55, you ass. Don't insult me if we're gonna do this."
Brendon rolled his eyes, glad the tone was playful. "I'm serious. Can you?"
"Yeah, man. Of course I can. If I can come over and do that other shit why
can't I do this?"
Brendon took his shirt off, crossing his hands at the bottom hem and pulling it
up to invert it. He fiddled nervously with his belt, next.
"Yeah," Ryan said, trailing off while watched Brendon, distractedly taking his
heavy jacket off slowly. "How do you wanna do this?"
Brendon shrugged as he was already bringing Ryan to the bed. Their lips were
quickly locked and they refused to pull away even as they had trouble getting
onto to the bed. Ryan pulled impatiently, but Brendon couldn't move fast enough
for him.
Grace pushed open the door, sighing at the fact that she didn't need her key.
She trudged over to Brendon's room, seeing he wasn't already on the couch, and
pushed his door open further, ready to scold him. Instead, she froze at the
sight of the two boys naked and in bed.
Brendon had his sheets in one fist, and Ryan's wrist in another while he laid
on his stomach, Ryan on top and pounding into him. He moaned into his mattress
while Ryan made no other noise than making their skin smack together. And only
Brendon was disturbed by his front door slamming shut. "Get off," he hissed,
and twisted away to shove Ryan flat onto the bed. "Get dressed."
Grace fell onto the drying wooden bench and hid her face away to cry. It wasn't
long before the door opened and closed again and her son was next to her.
"What's the matter? What's wrong?"
She shook her head. "Nothing."
"Why are you crying, Mom?"
She pointed to her flowers. "They're dying."
"So? It's making you cry?"
"Yeah, but I'm fine. I'm just getting my period, is all. They just need water."
Brendon quickly grabbed the blue watering can. "Come on, let's go water them
ok?"
Ryan waited to hear the awful screeching of someone turning on the water
spicket of Brendon's house. He peeked out of the window, first, and ran when he
saw no one was there.
"Baby, it's overflowing. You've got enough water."
"Oh, yeah, you're right."
_________________
_________________
Brendon moaned, waking up at five in the morning. He needed to be at the bus
stop by six, so five was rather early when he would only need ten minutes to
dress and eat. But he wanted to go early because he knew Ryan would, too. Ryan
liked to wake up and go, no matter the time. He would do anything to be out of
the house. Brendon could even remember a week when he slept outside, in a
stretch of trees and foliage on its own, on some cardboard. It then got too
cold, and he never went back.
He first went to the bathroom, as usual. His book bag was a lot heavier than he
remember it was when he packed it the day before. But he pushed that all to the
back of his head, not worrying about it. His grandmother was coming to visit
for a week that day for her doctor appointment, so he was going to try and
enjoy what classes he had with Ryan before he had to get an earful about bowel
movements.
Brendon smiled when he rounded the corner and found Ryan standing by himself,
doing nothing but kicking his knee to some beat in his head. Brendon had on
relatively new and just cleaned converse sneaker, black skinny jeans, and an
un-tucked, white button down with his square, red glasses and black, clean hair
pushed to the side, out of his eyes.
Ryan smiled at Brendon despite the stinging from his neck and chest. He did
nothing special for school, just woke up and went. His hair was tangled into an
almost dripping with grease mat, he had the same old stubble he trimmed with
scissors in order not to have a full on beard, but rather a creepy mustache and
even greasier, dirtier looking face. Ryan had on what he wore everyday: a
sweatshirt- holy and covered in dirt and blood that looked like dried mud,
lucky for him; a heavy jacket that was brownish green; and a pair of cut up and
torn up, holy, blood spattered, jeans. His socks were just the band around his
ankles, and only one at that, and sneakers whose soles were completely absent.
So he walked with covering for the tops of his feet to trick any teacher who
might want to get him in trouble for wearing no shoes. It was all he had, and
all of it smelled like shit, but he had no choice. The only nice thing he had
for his first day of school was a pack of cigarettes in his coat, two water
bottles of vodka, and a notebook Brendon tricked his mother into getting for a
kid not her own.
Brendon strut right over and took Ryan's hand to lace fingers and leaned his
head on Ryan's arm. He didn't care what Ryan looked or smelled like, only tried
to breath out of his mouth more. They reluctantly pulled apart when more kids
started to show up.
All of their schedules matched for lunch, which was a luxury compared to the
year before when each of them had to eat alone. Ryan already knew he had a
study hall with Jon and his math and language class with Brendon.
Brendon had Gym first semester, first period, and Ryan of course had Health
first period, first semester so that they just missed each other. Brendon was
feeling oddly sluggish, so it was good for him that his teacher didn't make
them exercise that day, but rather went over contracts. Ryan was feeling
unusually bored in his freshman health class. He had been held back in fifth
grade, so this year he got to learn about alcohol for literally the tenth time,
while the year before he had Driver's Ed. But he already knew everything there
was to know about the drink. He knew what it did, how it could effect a person
and how a person could gain tolerance. He knew how to buy it and what a hang
over looked and felt like. His health teacher was mind blowing-ly annoying. She
droned and laughed occasionally at things he wasn't even sure were jokes. She
stood right in front of his row of desks, only his row, completely blocking his
view of the board. Plus, this class was made even worse by having Ben, another
sophomore, sitting right behind him. He was lucky to be spared the first day,
so far, but knew he would be poked and prodded with nicely sharpened pencils.
Be bullied for his appearance and teased for his being a faggot.
Ryan sighed when Ben kicked his desk close to the end of the period. He ignored
the second and final jolt while he wrote down the supplies he would never get
with a pen and notebook B had tricked his mom into buying extra for him, saying
he needed more than he did. Truthfully, he could very well have gone out and
bought them himself- he had the money. But if buying one or two extra notebooks
didn't completely strap B's mom, he would much rather take from her. He was
trying to save his money, maybe for an emergency, but much rather for he wanted
to be able to run away with Brendon, someday.
Second period and Brendon had Accounting with the sweetest woman for a teacher
he's ever known. They didn't do much, so he daydreamed of getting a ticket with
Ryan's and going away to be together. Of course forever and ever, like a fairy
tale. But he was interrupted regularly, with an overly full bladder. The
pattern had continued. Second period second trip to the bathroom. And with a
growling, persistent stomach.
Second period. Ryan had his Science class. This one was at least more eventful,
he could say.
He walked in on the bell the to have the tiny, tiny teacher shoot him a glare
that he reflected. All the kids in the room groaned, and the three at the table
the teacher trained his attention to, even more so. "George?" she asked. "Yup,"
he answered, dropping into his seat and trying to pretend he didn't notice
everyone else scooting away.
Mrs. Bose was so angry she got this kid. She recognized him from the halls from
last year. He was disgusting and also apparently very rude. "You're late."
"No, I'm not,' Ryan said. "First of all, I walked in on the bell, not after.
And second, you can't even be late on the first two days of school, no matter
your grade."
"Excuse me?"
"Should I repeat?" he snapped at her, turning to glare. He got terrible
treatment at home already, he wasn't taking any shit here. No way was this
bitch gonna tell him he was late. He could see her fuming as he opened his
first of two liquor filled bottles.
"Would you like a detention?" She was not going to let this offensively smelly
student do this to her.
"Yeah, I would love one, actually." Anything was better than going home.
Especially detentions. Why wouldn't anyone want to sit in a silent room with a
chance to do their homework or relax, when they could be going to his rat run
house instead?
Mrs. Bose let go of an excessive sigh as she wrote out his pass. "This is not
going to work all year," she warned as she handed it to him.
"Then stop being such an awful bitch and it won't be kept up," he returned as
he crumpled the paper and stuffed it into his pocket on the big jacket.
"Written up," she snapped loudly. "You're getting written up."
"Alright?" He didn't even know what a write up did. "Go ahead." Ryan really did
not care at this point. None of this mattered, he wasn't trying to get into
college or anything.
She shook her head slowly, dramatically as she jot something down in her
notebook. "Don't skip that detention."
"It's in my pocket for very important things, miss," he promised.
"Alright, George," she said while she gathered the papers she needed to hand
out.
"Please, don't call me George."
She squinted a little with anger and confusion. He mocked her, but she ignored
it. "Your name is George, I'm going to call you George."
"I won't answer."
"Yes, you will."
"No, I actually fucking won't!" he roared, getting so angry he jerked forward
in his chair a little, making it clank against his desk under the scream. He
went to school to get away from his father, not to get disrespected by some
cunt he could lift his foot to squash.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" she asked in quiet shock.
"Ryan. My name is Ryan."
Mrs. Bose wrote out another slip for detention and tried to stand as far from
his as possible to hand it over. "Here, George." Her eye caught a big purple
stain on his neck when he looked away. He probably deserved it, she knew he
did. Maybe he fell or a friend got him by accident, but she knew he had to
deserve whatever bad karma came his way.
Ryan started to reach out for it, but then she had go and call him George.
George was not his name.
"George, take the damn pass," she spat. "I'm not playing games. You're wasting
my time."
"No I the fuck am not. You're wasting my time."
"Excuse me?"
"Guess what? None of the kids in here give a single fuck about anything you
have to say. You're a disgusting little troll. So do not disrespect me by
calling me that wretched fucking name when I clearly asked you to use my middle
name. And I will not disrespect you. Pretty simple, I would say."
"I'm disgusting?"
"Look, I know I'm gross, ok? But at least I'm not two foot tall. And at least I
would never stack kids for being late when they're not."
"George is your name so I will call you George. That is not disrespectful. And
I can also smell you from across the school. You will not disrespect me because
I am the teacher and you are the student."
"Look, you know nothing, ok? I try not to get into fights with people like you,
but you're ridiculous. You know nothing, you fucking eejit. I have seen shit,
ok? I've been through stuff you'd never imagine, and I will tell you right now
you know nothing of disrespect. I know what respect is and if you even tried to
be in my shoes for one day, you would be killed an hour in. You will not call
me George, am I understood?"
Her temper was ready to flare the more he got in her face until she lost it.
"Don't you dare tell me you've seen shit you thirteen year old brat. I am a war
veteran and I know what respect means. Calling a rotten kid by their first name
is not disrespectful by any means. George is what your mother named you. And
now I will giver her a call and let her know what a horrible job she did and
how you are taking over my class," she spat. The class got quiet around her and
the boy was looking more solemn, but only for a moment.
"My mother's dead, you piece of shit."
The room remained silent while she tried to think of something to say. She
couldn't apologize to him, now. He would think what he was doing was ok and
that he could get away with it if he brought up his dead mother.
"Yeah, you're a bitch, do you know? My mother died when I was eleven and I'll
tell you I've been going through nothing worse than hell for the last six years
of my life, ok? I'm seventeen and I can guarantee I've been through worse than
you have in your stupid fucking army."
"Did you really just call the army stupid? And tell a vet you've seen worse?
Because I've got new for you, kid. In the war you fight for your life every
second of every day. It is tough shit and nothing to be taken lightly. I've
watched friends die."
"So have I. Look, I'm not gonna get too into it, you know?" he asked, sitting
back and relaxing his muscles again. "Let's keep this light the first day of
school, huh? Maybe later we can trade traumatizing stories to pass the time,
ok? Because I can't sleep at night, anyway. I'm in danger every moment of my
life."
"Cool. I'll alert the cps and they can get you taken care of. Simple, right?"
He shot back forward and matched their noses. "I swear to fucking god, you
breath a word and I will murder your family."
"So you want to stop lying to be cool and take another detention? Or should I
send real help to your house so you can tell them they wasted their emergency
services on you because you wanted a tragic backstory?"
"I'll take the detention. And actually, why don't you give me two? I'd say I
deserved two."
"Four detentions on the first day of class. Good Job," she spat and slapped
down the two more passes along with the first he never took.
Since she didn't call him George, Ryan crumpled the next papers and put them
with the other.
"What's that on your jeans?"
"Mud."
She shook her head and heaved a sigh. "You shouldn't-."
"Sorry, my mother died too soon to teach me to clean myself up. Would you like
to take this chance to mock her some more? She won't know."
"You should know better to not come to school filthy. Where's your dad?"
"Absent."
"Who do you live with?"
"My dad."
"Don't wear those to school anymore, then. Pick another pair." Maybe he was
just going for that look. Creepy and weird and covered in blood. He wouldn't be
the first.
"They're my only pair," he snapped without thinking. He was just so angry he
could kill her. Who did she think she was?
"Your only pair?" she asked without emotion. There was no way this boy, as
uncivilized as he seemed, had just one pair of pants.
"I-I mean, miss," he stammered, mockingly, not even looking up from his
notebook he was doodling in. "Don't fucking tell me which of my clothes to
wear."
She just stepped away. There was nothing else she could do. It was only the
first day of school; what was the rest of the year going to be like? And she
never had a student act out like this on the first day of school, if ever. This
was just absurd.
"Ok!" she started again to the class and introduced herself before she could go
over the rules.
Ryan picked up his things again when he saw the bell was going to ring. He
didn't have a bag, it was just more money he was unwilling to spend. And
anyway, Spencer had said Ryan could have his old one, from the year or two
before. The bell rang and Ryan got up, though Mrs. Bose was still talking. "I
dismiss you, not the bell," she shouted after him. He yelled back, "Shut THE
FUCK up!" and moved to squeeze by the crowd to get to his study hall with Jon.
___________________________________
After a great period of English with his so far favorite teacher, Brendon had
lunch with his friends. And that couldn't have come too soon. He was starving,
regretting not packing anything to snack on during the day.
Brendon dropped his bag on the seat next to Ryan, across from Jon and Spencer
who already had their lunch and glared at them in a way he hoped they would
take as playfully.
"Please," Brendon begged and pouted having returned from the lunch line, armed
with an extra snack for Ryan. He pushed the cracker close, hoping to taunt him
a little and make him give in and eat it. His other friends called him gay, but
Brendon only rolled his eyes at it and continued with his boyfriend. "Eat it,"
he sang.
Ryan started rocking uneasily in his seat when he took the bag and turned it
around to see the calorie count. It was way too high, he couldn't eat them. But
he could smell the lunch, a chicken patty on a bun with fries, as it was
everyday. Everybody had one but him and was packing it away. Every year he had
gotten used to not eating while being surrounded by food, but every first day
back was a struggle. Finally, Ryan slammed the bag down on the table, crushing
and spilling its contents by mistake. He got up and approached the thinning
line.
Brendon smiled after his limping love. Jon and Spencer watched.
Ryan got up to the self-serve food line and picked up the regular, a sandwich
on fries in a paper basket. He wanted to take all of them on display, he knew
he could eat them all, but only one would fit. He looked around and opened his
jacket, picking up a basket and sliding it sideways into the inner pocket of
his nasty coat while turning on his heels and walking right out.
"Hey!" he heard someone shout, but didn't stop until a passing freshman bumped
his shoulder and pointed. "Did you just take food? You have to pay for it," a
rather short, plump man said. He had a black, constricting apron on.
Ryan knit his eyebrows a little, to look more sure of himself. "No, I know. I
didn't take anything." The man lifted an eyebrow. Ryan smiled, knowingly, it
would appear. "See, I was gonna get something, but then I realized I forgot my
money. So... no big deal."
The man nodded and Ryan turned again and kept walking. He glanced to his table
to see his friends watching, but didn't return to them. He made his way,
instead, right up to the supervising staff and asked to go to the bathroom. He
frowned and furrowed his eyebrows when she covered her nose and mouth and
nodded, taking a step back. It wasn't his fault, none of this was. But, then
again, he WAS the one who didn't know how to clean up vomit and get rid of rats
when it was still possible to manage. The teachers starting, all three of them,
including the first woman, (who also stepped back) laughed in his face at the
sad look he gave. They laughed right at him. It wasn't funny. He looked upset
by the first's reaction and they thought it was funny. Teachers were supposed
to be the supportive ones, specifically the ones who didn't laugh. Ryan shook
his head a little, disappointed with them, and found the bathroom pass.
Brendon groaned when he saw Ryan approach the teachers. He knew Ryan was asking
to use the bathroom and that only meant he wasn't planning on keeping his meal
down long. B got up and went to follow him. The teachers seemed too busy
laughing to tell him someone else had just gone.
Ryan pushed the teachers to the back of his head and found the closest boy's
bathroom. He made sure it was all cleared out before sliding down the far wall.
Brendon made it just in time to watch Ryan eagerly spill the contents of his
inner pocket all over the tile floor. Ryan ate four or five of the fries at a
time, absolutely inhaling them, before grabbing the sandwich and hungrily
pushing as much of it in his mouth as he could. The different pieces separated,
but Ryan didn't seem to mind. He didn't let anything go to waist.
Ryan caught his breath and looked at what he had done. Just an empty paper
basket on the dirty bathroom floor. He checked to make sure that there was
nothing else in his pocket and was disappointed when it was empty. The regret
was starting to come in, he was upset with himself. How could he have done
that? He ate the entire thing right off the bathroom floor with a puddle of
piss not two feet away. How many calories was that? Too many, that was all Ryan
knew. He angrily shoved his shoulders back to the wall and sobbed into his
hands. He was pathetic.
Brendon heaved a sigh and walked up carefully. "Babe?"
Ryan cried a little harder. So Brendon had seen it?
B dropped to the floor and gently straitened Ryan's legs so he could sit on his
lap and wrap his arms around the other's shoulders. Brendon kissed Ryan's
temple and put the crying one's head on his own shoulder to pet his hair and
rub his back. "It's ok, you're ok," he promised.
Ryan shook his head urgently. He very suddenly shoved Brendon off and rushed to
the toilet where he didn't bother to close the door before bending over from
his full height to expel everything from his stomach before he could work on
the bile.
Brendon sighed and found himself shaking his head while he watched. He made
sure Ryan knew he was disappointed when they found each other's eyes on Ryan's
way to check his waistline in the mirror. Then he got to sigh and shake his
head some more at the two fresh carvings in his skin, going from his hips up to
his neck. Brendon knew they must have come from the hooked end of a frozen food
saw- the last knife left in the Ross home. Ryan told him that he had come in at
the wrong time, that it was his fault and he deserved it.
There was no right time to come inside.
Ryan wasn't very satisfied with his body. His thighs weren't small enough and
if he sucked in his stomach, he could get thinner than he really was. He wanted
to be as thin as possible, not just near it.
__________________________
Ryan walked into his English class still feeling disgusted from his lunch the
period before. He glared at the Mrs. Lustig smiling at him. Nobody smiled at
him, they covered their noses and mouths and stepped back to give him dirty
looks from a safer distance. Nobody ever smiled. She was making fun.
"Ok," Mrs. Lustig muttered under her breath and resumed greeting the rest of
the incoming class. She hoped she wouldn't have too much trouble with him. She
wasn't really sure what to think of him. He seemed mean. He was definitely
dirty, but she didn't want to judge him based off of that.
George had stayed pretty quiet the whole class, silent even, except for the
groan at the boy Ben assigned to sit next to him. She was sure to jot down that
he preferred his middle name- Ryan- when she got to him. He sort of spat it at
her, but she didn't address that.
As the class went on, Mrs. Lustig noticed a big, purple bruise on Ryan's neck
when he repeatedly glanced at the clock on the wall. She could only wonder what
it was from, but she would report it anyway, just in case there was no
accident.
___________________
German was the only class that Ryan smiled at the teacher in, he had had her
the year before for his German 1. He had this class with Brendon. The Art
teacher Ryan could just tell was a total bitch. She, Mrs. Herablassend, seemed
to really like to show off and clearly thought she was much better than her
class of Art 1 students.
Ryan again glared at the waiting teacher, this time in his Math class, Geometry
last period. At least he had this class with Brendon. He sat in the back with
him until they were organized into alphabetical order. He was still in the
back, but Brendon was in the first seat, second row starting at the teacher's
desk, opposite the door. The class was very loud, rambunctious and chatty. But,
that was pretty good for Ryan. In the very back, in this class, he shouldn't be
picked a whole lot. Or picked on.
___________________
Brendon rolled his eyes and played with the cord on the phone. "You told me to
call when I got home."
"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I wasn't actually expecting you to. Clean the whole house
before your Grandmother gets there, ok? And I mean actually clean it, Brendon."
"Ok," he groaned, very irritated. "Can Ryan come over?"
"No!"
B was so frustrated from his first day at school, then his mom insulting him
right there, he just wanted to smash the phone and bash his head. "It's for
school," he growled. "He needs to."
"What do you mean? Today was your first day, what could you possibly have to
do?"
"A letter of introductory," he answered as calmly as he could. "It's for our
English class. We have to type, like, two or three pages about ourselves."
"So why do you think he gets to come over for that? How could you possibly help
each other?"
"Because. He's, like, my best friend. We were gonna work on each other's for
the part where we need a friend and help each other 'cuz it's the same
assignment. Plus, it needs to be typed and it's due tomorrow. And no, Ryan
doesn't have a computer. Jon is using his mom's work laptop that she won't let
anyone else borrow and Spencer's is a piece of crap, he'll only have time to do
his own if it works for him at all."
Grace groaned. This had better be a real assignment and not something he was
making up just to get his boyfriend over.
"Grandma will be here and I'll make sure it's really clean before I let him
in," B promised. He knew she was ready to say no because no one would watch
them, even though she thought they were both strait and they were 16 and 17
anyway, old enough to hang out and work on homework together unsupervised.
"Fine," she sighed with exasperation. "But only have him over once Grandma is
there. And if I find out you've lied about any of this..."
"I know. Thanks, Mom."
Finally, after what felt like forever of cleaning, the door opened and his
grandmother walked in. He greeted her happily and brought her to the table
where she sat most of her stays, just reading a book or on her computer. She
would only be staying the weel, fitting a visit in with needing to come for the
specialist in the area.
"I'm going to go get my friend," he said, returning with a pillow for her back.
"We're gonna do some homework."
"Your mother knows you're having someone over?"
Brendon nodded. "Yeah, I've already asked. I'll be right back."
"I need to get you some Proactive for your face," she blurted out before he
could turn away.
B froze. He had found one pimple that morning after such a long time of
nothing. "I already have some," he mumbled, though he hadn't used it in so
long, since he hadn't really needed it.
"It doesn't work," she said, laughing.
He didn't answer to that, only left. Ryan was just across the court. He felt
like crying.
B took in a deep breath after taking the longest possible route to Ryan's door
to try and give himself time to calm down a bit. He pulled his shoulders back
and carefully knocked on the window pane. He was always cautious, knocking on
Ryan's door. He was reminded again why he was when he heard Ryan's dad scream,
"Get off your lazy, fat fucking ass and get the GODDAMN DOOR YOU PIECE OF SHIT!
Go on, you useless fuck!" He frowned at Ryan rubbing the back off his head with
a pained expression on his face. "Yeah?" he asked.
"Are you gonna come over? For the paper?"
"God, please. Sir, I'm going over Brendon's!"
"Don't you dare fucking TELL ME! what you're doing! You ask, you shit stained
garbage! Now get the fuck OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
Ryan groaned and turned to pull the door shut, smiling nervously at Brendon at
the sound of glass shattering against it. "Let's go."
"Look at your shoes, babe," Brendon said as they walked, arms bumping, behind
the houses to get to B's house just across the way. He needed some privacy
before they went in, he wanted a hug.
Ryan shrugged and let his hand find B's as his bare feet hit the grass.
"Can you just take my old pair, already?" B groaned.
"No, they're way too small."
Brendon was at least glad that Ryan sounded happy. "But, babe. Your shoes
aren't even really real shoes anymore."
"I'll treat myself," he promised. "I'll buy a pair soon, ok?"
"Ok," he sighed with as much exasperation and disappointment as he could
muster, hoping to maybe guilt Ryan into going out on his bike later that day.
He stopped them and turned to Ryan, eyes watering already.
"What? Oh jeez, what? B?" Ryan said frantically.
"Can you give me a hug?" he wined, lip sticking out. His shoulders were
immediately wrapped with long, spindle shanked arms and he was breathing in the
strong shit and alcohol smell coming from Ryan's chest. He put his own arms
tight around Ryan's near-nonexistent waist and nuzzled his face closer, trying
not to gag. "Babe," he cried.
Ryan went rigid. He had no idea what to do. "B, stop," he finally said.
"Brendon, you're fine. Just stop."
Brendon cried harder. "No, I'm sad."
Ryan almost asked if he could be sad later, but caught himself. "Why? Don't be,
ok? Let's just go do our homework, now."
Brendon sniffled when he could tell Ryan was getting a little frustrated. "K,"
he whined and led him by the hand again. They weren't really dating, but that
was all Brendon dreamed about. Being official. Still, they held hands and
talked like they were. However, Brendon knew Ryan didn't like him like that or
they would be boyfriends already.
Ryan wasn't angry or frustrated, only too stunned to know what to do. He saw
Brendon cry one time when he was hurt wrestling when they were eight, but that
had been pretty much it. And this was emotional, he knew. It wasn't like he
could just run and get his mom to kiss a boo-boo, he had to fix it. He was
Brendon's partner now, after two years he had to know how to help B at some
point. He was just caught off guard.
"Um, my Grandma is sorta mean, so," he warned, calm again by the time they had
make it back to the front of the houses and onto his porch. "Like, she just
told me I need Proactive. She might tell you you're gross, but just pretend
like you can't hear her, ok?"
Ryan nodded. He was pretty used to everything by now anyway.
Brendon grit his teeth when his Grandma asked, "This is him? You smell like
shit, I know from over here! What's your name?"
"Ryan, miss."
"Ryan? You need to go take a shower, Ryan. And cut your hair. Aren't you a boy?
You shouldn't have long hair."
"Yes, ma'am."
Brendon yanked him along. "We're going to do work," he growled. He wasn't sure
what had gotten into him. He usually fawned over his Grandmother. He used to
get so excited about her visits and cry when she had to go- when he was
younger, at least. But now she was just annoying him and he couldn't wait for
her leave on Friday.
Ryan scoffed at Brendon's groan after a while, but B didn't care. His eyes were
hurting from being so tired and staring at the screen for so long, and his
stomach was growling loudly. "Break time," he announced.
"Why?" Ryan asked, still typing.
"I'm starving, aren't you?"
"Actually, yes, I am."
Brendon rolled his eyes. Ryan was just trying to be funny, not actually saying
he was going to eat, which pissed Brendon off badly. "You have to have
something, ok?"
Ryan sighed and stood to follow B around the tiny kitchen the desk and computer
were already in. "No, B. I really shouldn't."
"And why not?" B asked, sounding a little angry while he popped the microwave
open.
"Because," Ryan said in another vexed sigh. "I haven't really exercised in a
while. And I just had cereal on Sunday, I kept it all down. More like a box of
cereal, not just one bowl. I feel guilty. I need to go running and maybe pick
up something healthy I can have on Sunday. I mean, I had pizza, too, but I
brought that back up. But that doesn't change that it's bad and that I had it
in my body."
Brendon could feel tears welling up and his chin quivering again. He pulled
Ryan further into the kitchen and spoke hushed, to get his boyfriend to follow.
"But, Ryan," he griped and hung onto his jacket. "Ryan. people need food.
Regularly, not just once a week.
"Yeah, well tell that to my dad," he snapped, grabbing B's wrists to squeeze.
"He can make eating everyday kinda hard, you know."
"But you could come here, baby. I'll feed you during the week. My mom won't
notice. Or maybe we can tell her there's something wrong, we'll do it together.
She's an adult, she can help us fix this. Babe, please," he whined desperately
when Ryan rolled his eyes and started gently trying to push him back, off.
"Baby, babe, you don't even eat every Sunday. You don't eat every time and you
know it. You have dinner with him and you bring it right back up. Ryan, please,
Ryan. Don't."
"It's fine, Brendon," Ryan groused. "Stop getting so upset, I'm fine."
"You're not fine, you're sick," he said, voice faltering, arm dropping, and hip
cocking.
"B, I'm fine, I said," he said. "I'm not sick, ok? You're sick."
"I'm sick?"
"Yeah."
"How am I sick?" he spat. "Ryan, you're gonna die. One day, someday soon. I'll
be at the bus stop and you won't. But you won't be in the closet. No, you'll be
dead. In your bed, just lying there cold."
"As long as I'm thin."
A new wave of tears crashed over him and he moved to bury his face into Ryan's
accommodating chest. "You're so weak like this," he kept on. "One day he'll
just make your skull collapse. Or he'll break something and you'll be stuck and
he'll have time to finish you off. All because your bones are too weak from
malnutrition. Or maybe you'll finally suffocate from all that rat shit and his
vomit and your vomit and the flies and maggots. But you'd have a better chance
to last until the end of senior year, when you want to move out, if you would
just eat. And stop chopping up your arm. Or maybe even let someone know what's
going on. Ry, I'll tell. Just let me."
"No, Brendon, now stop it. I'm fine. Not eating isn't making this any worse
than it already is. Ok?"
"Ryan you'll die from this alone."
Ryan took Brendon's shoulders to squeeze while he leaned down to press a gentle
kiss to the other's forehead before he could pull him into a hug. "I just need
you to relax, ok?" he said calmly and quietly. "I know I'm sick, ok? I promise
I'll get better, but that can't happen until the situation I'm in gets better.
I don't want to be removed from my home for his abuse or the dirtiness or the
fact that I self harm and I have an eating disorder. I don't want to be removed
at all. So maybe we can keep shooting to move out after we've both finished
high school and see if we can't find jobs. Then, once everything's ok again,
I'll try and stop."
"Why can't you just try and stop now?" Brendon whimpered, holding Ryan close
and looking up at him with forlorn, watering eyes. "Baby, please."
Ryan sighed. "Love, it isn't easy."
"But that doesn't mean you have to wait until you're out of that house to TRY,
just TRY."
Ryan gently pulled Brendon's face back to his chest and let his arms fold
comfortably on his shoulders and back. "Just let me get to a point where I at
least WANT to stop, again."
"That never lasts long. Sometimes a week, then you're back to being bitter and
mean about it. You'll want help and want to stop being anorexic for a little
while, but then you're right back to it."
Ryan had no answer for him. But the microwave's timer set off.
Brendon sniffled and nudged Ryan to get him to rub his back for a few moments
before he was calm enough to get the food and divide it between two plates.
Ryan sat behind his heaping plate of baked mac and cheese, that smelled nice,
but that he didn't even want to touch. He sat across from Brendon's
grandmother, whose bottom lip moved along with the words she was reading in her
book. She looked kind, and she probably was, aside from the bluntness he didn't
really blame her for when she met him, stinky and dirty and hunched. She had
curly, jet black hair that was about the length of his while it was matted up
like it was. She wore wire framed glasses, but Brendon had told him that she
was blind in one eye after a stroke, though he would never have been able to
tell.
Brendon dug in immediately, shoveling food in his mouth and draining the glass
of tea quickly. "You're so dumb," he said to the side, in a response to some
vulgar hand motions under the table.
"What did you just call him? Gay?"
Brendon looked up and shook his head. His grandmother always surprised him with
her still great hearing, while he had to always repeat himself a million times
when speaking to his mother. "No," he said. "I called him dumb."
"Oh," she grunted. "Well he's your friend, don't call him dumb or gay."
"What's wrong with gay?" he asked, just to the side, not expecting her to hear
it while he brought a new forkful to his mouth.
"What do you mean?" she snapped. "Everything's wrong with being gay, now don't
be mean to your friends."
Brendon coughed and started choking on his food enough to call for Ryan to hit
his back. He was definitely not expecting that. His grandmother often brought
her bible with her, he knew that, he knew she was religious, but he never
thought she would fall in with the some that thought homosexuals were bad.
Though, maybe she thought that on her own? But still, he would never have
thought. "Why?"
"Because God says so! Says in the bible!"
"That he wrote?"
"Well not necessarily, but-."
"So how do you know it was 'The Creator's wishes for no one to be gay?" he
nearly snapped.
"I'm sure he told someone what he wanted down."
Brendon shrugged dramatically, clearly showing his impatience. "Why is it
wrong? It's natural."
Ryan gently touched B's knee under the table, trying to help him calm down
before he did something he might regret later, like scream or even come out
before he was really ready just out of anger.
"What are you talking about?" she laughed. "That is NOT natural."
"Sure it is," he said more nonchalant, leaning back to take a sip of tee. "We
wouldn't do it without help of some chemical or machine if it weren't truly
natural. And there are still a load of other species of animals that have
homosexual partnerships."
"It's not natural, Brendon. No matter what you say, it isn't natural for men to
like men or women to like women." She sounded tired and over the topic. She
knew she was right, she just was. There was nothing he could say to convince
her otherwise.
"Do you think it's a choice then?" he asked quietly. Even through everybody
saying it wasn't, knowing it wasn't, he was pretty sure it wasn't. Maybe if he
just looked at women for a while, women pieces, he could find what was so
attractive. But that didn't mean he ever wanted to try. Because he knew he was
attracted to males and knew that wouldn't change, for that at least there was
no choice for him. He was happy, so there was no point in really assuring
himself that he could at least try and be bisexual instead of gay.
"Of course it's a choice, Brendon. It isn't natural and isn't something people
are born to be."
Brendon set his cup down and found Ryan's hand to hold where she couldn't see.
"What about pansexual?" Ryan was one. He could see her slightly frustrated
confusion and explained while he brushed his thumb over the back of his lover's
hand, assuring he wasn't going to give him away. "Or bisexuals. Being pansexual
is like- it's sort of like being bisexual, liking women and men, but it's more
without any preference. Like, you would be gender blind, more focused on the
person and not caring what their sex ends up being."
She waved him away and shook her head, sighing. "No, Brendon. It's all wrong
except for males being attracted to females and visa versa. That's it, that's
what is natural and that's how God intended us to be."
Brendon shook his head, very disappointed. He never expected this from his
grandmother. His dad was completely for equal rights for all, he knew he would
have no problem with it when he came out, or if he ever spoke to him again to
let him know. This was his dad's mom. He was just caught really off guard.
"What if I were gay?"
"Well you're not so what does it matter?"
"No, but what if I were?" he asked, trying not to let his voice sound too
thick. "Like, would you just stop loving me, or...? I mean, I'm just asking."
"No! I wouldn't stop loving you or visiting or e-mailing or anything like that,
love bug. I would just be disappointed in you, Brendon. I would ask you to
change, because I don't want you to sin like that in this one life you have. I
wouldn't want you to be punished in the afterlife, I want to see you in heaven
with all of us. Ok?"
Brendon nodded. "Yeah, I'll be right back," he mumbled, hoping by talking
quietly she wouldn't be able to hear how close he was to crying, and for the
third time that afternoon.
Ryan instinctively followed Brendon to his bedroom, closed the door after him,
and climbed on the bed.
Brendon curled up on his pillows and hugged his knees, sobbing into them before
Ryan could even catch up and rest a hand on his back. "I'm sorry," he whined,
high pitched, making his voice go, but leaving his lips moving.
Ryan dropped down, making the bed bounce more than he would have liked, and
kissed B's nose. "Don't be sorry, ok?" he said, certainly a lot better than the
first time, about an hour ago, at dealing with B while he cried. He just hoped
he wouldn't get too much experience. No more than this. "Would you like me to
hold you? We can just lay here?"
Brendon nodded and rolled over, into Ryan's waiting, open arms. "I'm sorry,
Ryan. I don't mean to cry over this."
"No," he said quietly, running dirty fingers through Brendon's clean, soft
black hair. "This is a good thing to cry over, love."
"I know, but, babe, I don't want to cry in front of you over this of all
things. Because, like, I don't know, I feel selfish for crying over it in front
of you. Because if your family ever found out you had a boyfriend you would
literally be killed. And you never cry. And now my grandmother, who I hardly
ever see or talk to, just said she would even still love me, and now I'm
sobbing in your arms and I don't know why, I'm just super sad today."
Ryan nodded to what he said and let one hand find his stomach and hip to stroke
gently. "Trust me, I cry. But now it's been.. what? three or four years since
I've figured this all out. I cried, like, really hard when I finally realized I
had a crush on you, and then the night of our first, em. You know," he laughed.
"So now, this is the first time anyone you know has said something like that to
you. You get to cry, B, if you want. You don't have to have it the absolute
worse of everyone to be able to cry. I've gotten over it now. You don't have to
get over it anytime soon, or at all, really. But whatever, you get to cry over
anything you like. Anything that makes you sad, ok?"
Brendon wriggled back, closer. "We need to get back to work, babe," he
whimpered. "On our papers."
Ryan sat himself up quickly, just enough to kiss Brendon's cheek. "Yeah, we
should."
"But I'm still hungry first," he said, sitting himself up and helping the far-
too-weak Ryan to do the same simple task.
Ryan lifted his eyebrows when Brendon noticed him watching B pack away the
entire plate. He smiled and crossed his legs. "Done?"
Brendon pulled his lips over, thinking. "Are you gonna eat that?" he asked,
pointing to Ryan's heavily loaded plate.
Ryan quickly shook his head and immediately pushed the plate closer to him, to
replace his first. "No, go ahead."
Brendon sighed while he looked at it. Maybe he didn't need it, but he wanted
it. "Are you sure you can't have any?"
"Positive."
Brendon looked at what he had done when he finished. His belly was aching, he
felt like he needed to sleep forever. It was clearly straining against the
already form fitting shirt, showing Ryan everything. Not that it was much, but
definitely a bump was there. That Brendon was surprised to feel Ryan was
rubbing gently. He gasped and pulled away, wanting to suck it in and hide, but
knowing he couldn't, for the pain was too great.
Ryan laughed a bit, hoping to lose the grandma's attention, make her think they
were just fooling around like normal boys, just being normal friends. He
adjusted himself in his pants, crossing his legs in way to conceal his arousal
a little better and reached out for Brendon's tummy again. The other let him
rub it this time. He wanted to take him back to the bed.
Brendon pouted, but didn't protest anymore. He didn't want Ryan to see him like
that. Not while Ryan was anorexic and near or about 50 pounds under weight and
he definitely wasn't. But Ryan at least didn't seem to mind much.
_____________
Grace, after greeting her son's grandmother and skirting around a long
conversation as best as she could, took notice of how the boys were siting so
close in the kitchen and how they laughed. "Hey, Ryan," she called and waved
him over, but with something completely different than knowing he was her son's
boyfriend on her mind.
Ryan got up carefully. Maybe his stench had gotten so bad, too hard to handle,
she was going to offer him another shower. Which he was hoping for, not minding
the slight embarrassment when compared to the feeling of being clean for once.
"Yes?" he asked, following her discreet example, leaning over slightly, but not
close enough to force her to gag.
Grace pulled him all the way to the other end of the kitchen. "Do you think you
get enough to eat at home, sweetheart?" she almost muttered, not wanting to
embarrass him in front of B.
Ryan nodded, making sure he looked sure of himself. This was now the third time
somebody had asked. One time it was his German teacher, then his Gym teacher
from his freshman year, and now Grace. "Yeah, of course."
"Are you sure?" She had asked about his hygiene before, asked if showers were
actually an option for him. Ryan had really just dodged around it, giving, she
was sure, a load of bull shit. But he didn't seem worried about it, so neither
did she. And she wasn't his mother, she wasn't going to try and tell him he
needed to bathe more often, that was up to his father to control. "You're
looking pretty thin."
Rubbing his thin and hollowed cheeks, Ryan gave a nod. "I'm positive, miss."
She sighed, not yet dismissing him, and shook her head with thought while she
studied his face and what she could of his neck that wasn't covered in his
scrappy hoody. "I just-. Are you sure? I can give you something to eat right
now, honey. Are you hungry?"
Ryan shook his head, praying his stomach would stay quiet. "No, not at all. I-.
Trust me, miss."
"You must be hungry," she said, not wanting to give up.
Ryan shook his head and smiled.
"Can you eat something, anyway?" she finally asked, after a couple more moments
of looking him over. "Just so I can be sure. You just-. You're so skinny to
begin with and it looks like you've gotten thinner. Your... Your face looks
hollow."
He chuckled. "No, miss. I mean, this is just how I look. I'm sorry."
"Do you promise you'll tell me if you're hungry?" she asked, a tone of finality
finally in her voice. "Today, or whenever. You'll let me know- let me feed
you?"
He nodded, still with a nervous smile. "Yes, miss. If you like."
"Ok," she sighed. "Go ahead."
_____________
"Did you know Grandma's homophobic?" Brendon asked his mom quietly, calling to
her on the couch from his spot looking for food in the kitchen. His grandmother
was just asleep in their guestroom.
Grace's eyes got a little bit wider while she slowly set her phone down. She
seriously hoped the old woman hadn't said anything to hurt his feelings,
because she shouldn't even know at this point. She knew his grandmother would
never do anything to hurt him, whether she knew he was gay or not, so she
probably just rambled on, spewing out slurs.
"Doesn't really surprise me," she answered. The woman was very religious,
though it was still news to her.
Brendon brought his bowl over and sat on the large, cushy ottoman to talk while
he ate his ice cream before going to bed. "She said being gay is being an
abomination, so," he said with his mouth full.
Her jaw tightened. "How did you start talking about it?"
Brendon shrugged carelessly. "Ryan and I were at the table and I was joking, I
said, 'You're so dumb' but she thought I said gay and she was like... She went
on. Gays choose it, they'll be punished in the afterlife, they're
abominations... You know."
He sounded a little sad while he took another big spoonful of ice cream. "Well
you know, none of that is true, sweetheart. I certainly don't think those
things. I mean, I don't really know if you're gay or not or bi, but whatever it
is, you're welcome here."
Brendon smiled at that. He opened his mouth, ready to let her know. But instead
he said, "I-. Yeah, thanks, Mom." At least he didn't deny it this time.
***** The Confessions *****
Chapter Summary
     Ryan gets caught.
Mrs. Bose grit her teeth and swung the door closed as angrily as she could when
the disgusting, trouble making Ryan walked in on the bell again. She almost
opened her mouth to tell him to hurry, but with the determined arguing the day
before, she didn't want to try anything that might set him off. He didn't wear
a scowl to class this time, but then maybe it was just that no one had put one
on his face yet. However, he was limping. He wasn't limping the day before.
Maybe it was just an act for attention like his show yesterday was, what with
all his claiming to have seen people die and to have gone through worse than
what vets have.
Ryan let Spencer's old, ripped up bag drop heavily at his seat and ignored the
questioning of his limp with a deep breath to calm himself down and a look just
at the empty, black table to not set him off. He sat down without answering or
ever planning to.
Mrs. Bose, while getting papers from her desk, overheard something from Ryan's
table, the closest, and definitely the nosiest one.
"Ew," Daniel groaned when she got no answer. Why did she need to sit next to
the infamous George Ryan Ross? "Don't you ever take showers?"
Ryan couldn't help but to frown when everyone laughed. But that only made it
funnier.
"Yeah, like seriously," Rachel joined, just across from Daniel.
Ryan could see that only a boy called Gary, across himself, wasn't laughing or
even contributing his own jokes or remarks. He was starting on the notes while
their homework got handed out.
Daniel had been laughing and agreeing that whatever was being said was utterly
fowl until she gasped. "Eww!" Someone had found feces in his seat when he left.
Mrs. Bose wrinkled her nose at the table while she pulled four papers for them
all. She looked down with disgust at him, shaking her head a bit. "That is
disgusting," she agreed aloud while she moved on to the next. She wanted to
hurt his feelings at this point. "That's just.... I sure hope that's a rumor,
for your sake, kid."
Ryan buried his face away to his arms, folded on the table top.
"Oh my god! Is he crying?"
Ryan shot up at that, before he really did start, and shoved his chair as hard
as he could back to the desk. He grabbed his bag and new paper and went to sit
at the empty table, the seat furthest from everyone.
"Ryan, get back in your seat," Mrs. Bose snapped.
Ryan made a point to hunker down, face back to his arms.
"Ryan."
"No," he spat childishly. "I'm not fucking gonna go back there. You all think
I'm so disgusting, why should you care if I sit over here? Further from you?"
Mrs. Bose made her way over when she gave paper to the last student, arms still
laden with work sheets. "Because over there is your seat, George. Not-."
"Don't you fucking DARE call me that again! I AM NOT GEORGE!" He pounded a fist
to the desk top and leaned over. "I've already told you, you,- you-!" He
groaned.
It took all her strength not to reach forward and slap him hard. "Excuse me?"
Her head tipped and pushed forward just a little. "Don't YOU dare talk to me
that way. You're name is George. I'll fucking call you George, if I like." He
was acting like a total brat.
Ryan was just about vibrating with the effort to keep himself calm. "I do not
like the name George, it isn't mine. My father is George and I am /not/ my
father, nor will I ever be like him, miss. I am Ryan, please respect that."
She shook her head sadly at him. He was trembling, his hands open on top of the
desk with his eyes closed. "You need to get yourself back in line, Ross. I
don't know who you think you are, but this is completely unacceptable."
"I'm really just asking that you call me Ryan, ma'am. Or- even Ross, I don't
really give a fuck. Just not /George/."
"Stop swearing at me George. You better wa-!"
Ryan jumped up and knocked the thick stack of paper from her little imp arms
and pushed her shoulder back. "You're a real awful bitch, you know that?!"
She gasped and stepped back on her own. "Don't you ever, EVER put your hands on
me." She watched his face and waited to see if she needed to threaten something
more than the detention and write up she already decided he needed.
Ryan looked her up and down a moment, his shoulders sinking. "Oh no, no, no,
no," he sighed. "No, no, come on." He stood tall and straitened his jacket.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He shook his head at himself.
Mrs. Bose was rather confused. Completely nonplussed, just frozen.
Ryan reached out to take her shoulder. He simply held it, pulling her forward
just a bit. "I'm- you're right. I don't know what got into me, miss- ma'am.
Never again, I swear, I-." He cut himself off to bend over and pick up the only
slightly scattered papers.
She took a step back at first before squatting down to help Ryan when the
contents of a breast pocket on his jacket spilled. It was mostly little scraps
of paper, but she could see writing on them.
Ryan hissed. "Fuck." He sat up only to slam the papers down on the table before
he could move to rip a little slip from B out of the bitch's hand. "Don't touch
that!" he yelled.
There were so many and all with the same, neat handwriting on them from what
she could tell. Mrs. Bose was a bit concerned, she'd heard all the stories, of
course, of the alienated children making plans to do terrible things to
themselves and others at their school. She hurriedly reached out to snatch one
he hadn't noticed. By the time she had it stuffed in her pocket, all the others
were gone. She watched Ryan pick up a very small photograph from under his
marred shoe. He was quickly enveloped in a crease, giving her time to study a
broken and charred cross necklace lying stiff near a piece of broken glass. It
looked like it came from a beer bottle. She tentatively put her hand out for
it.
Ryan fell back to his bottom, eyes still trained on the crease crossing and
distorting her face. He reached out, not looking up, to feel around the floor
with the tips of his fingers until they found his cross.
Mrs. Bose looked up from the glass shard to Ryan, who was sniffling profusely.
She could lean over to see the picture was of a woman he didn't resemble. It
was obvious that the photograph was of his mother, though, because who else
could it be?
Ryan tried bending it back, but he could still tell there was something wrong.
He got frantic, frustrated and bent it back and forth again and again.
"Ryan," she called and reached out an empty hand to try and get him to stop.
"Don't do that, you'll make it worse."
Ryan pulled the picture away and looked to spit in her face. "Don't fucking
touch her!"
"Stop keep bending it, you'll wear it away."
Ryan held a glare to the bitch while he fumbled around to find the pocket to
put it back. "Do you know I've had this picture for six years and with what
I've gone through, nothing had ever happened to it? And then you come along and
it's destroyed. This is my mother and she's bent along the face."
"Well, I didn't do it, G-. It was an accident."
"Whatever, fucking cunt"
She was only trying to help. "Why was there a big shard of glass from your
pocket? This is a weapon."
Ryan ripped it from her hand. "Not if you're not an idiot it isn't."
She pulled her hand back and brought it to her mouth to suck on the new cut,
the taste of blood tainting her tongue. "You just cut me!"
"Well, maybe you shouldn't be picking up broken glass, you fucking numbskull!
What did you think would happen?!"
She got up to wash the wound and dress it properly at the sink, it was deeper
than she expected. "Get over here, Ryan."
Ryan groaned and stuffed the glass back where it belonged on his way over.
"What?"
"Why do you have a weapon?"
"It isn't a weapon unless you use it. It's your own damn fault you got cut."
"Ryan! Why do you have a shard of glass on you?"
"Em, I found it in the woods, miss. Um, hunting."
"Hunting?"
"Uh, sure. Why not?" he sighed, not trying to hide his great annoyance at all.
She seemed to be waiting for more, so he thought quickly. "I just saw it," he
said, hoping to cover the unconvincing first answer. He sounded like he thought
it should be obvious for her. "What do you want me to do? Step on it twice? And
it's not as if there's a fucking trash can I can just leave it in. I forgot it
was in there until today, miss."
"So you just wear that 'hunting"?
Ryan nodded. "I've only got the one jacket, miss," he said. That was normal.
"No vest? No safety vest?"
"No, ma'am."
"Isn't that dangerous?" He could've said yes. Just yes. She was sure she just
caught him in something by his reactions.
Ryan simply looked her up and down. He was cold and tired and had no answer for
her. He looked lethargic, but confused and flustered, still. "Not when you're
the only one out there." He should've mulled over all the possibilities of a
new story the night before, so he would be ready. But then again, how would he
know she would be so damn nosey?
"Don't you go with your father? What if he makes a mistake? And how can you
ever really know it's only you?"
Ryan set his hand on the corner of the counter, mood changing rapidly, getting
more concerned with it. He had been getting rather proud with how quickly he
could put up flawless stories for excuses. Not that he had much of a choice or
not enough practice after nearly six years. This was the first time he had no
answer. The first time he'd used this completely dumb hunting excuse, the first
time he'd been caught with a weapon.
She lifted her eyebrows. She knew he was lying about going to hunt, maybe to
seem cooler and more out there than anyone else. She knew he was lying about
how he found the glass and why he had it on him. She waited.
Ryan reached into his pocket and pulled out the glass. "Here," he said gruffly,
sliding it along the counter top to her, producing a scratching sound. "It's
garbage," he said. Ryan turned and went back to his seat, the one he'd picked.
Maybe it was just the blow to his head that morning that was setting him off.
But, whatever it was, he needed it back under control before he got himself
into some real trouble, if he hadn't, already.
Mrs. Bose could only imagine what the hunting was trying to cover up. She
honestly had not even a clue.
Ryan moved the cross and picture to temporarily reside in another pocket so he
could count out the notes. He needed 19.
Mrs. Bose pulled the little scrap of paper from her pocket, thinking it might
clear things up a bit. She only saw 'Brendon Urie,' she was almost sure a
student of her's, and a plus between Ryan Ross inside a heart. On the back was
the classic heart with an arrow through it surrounded by more little hearts.
Under the little group of hearts, some colored in, said "I love you." in the
neat handwriting. She looked up to Ryan with more little notes scattered on his
desk. Ryan was definitely not the one she would pick out to be the owner of one
of the names.
Ryan was frantic. He counted 17, then 18 then 18. He counted again, making sure
non stuck together. 18, only 18. This couldn't be happening. He needed 19 and
he knew it. The blow that morning wasn't affecting him, he needed 19. 19. Ryan
counted more carefully this time. As he went through he checked to see what was
written on each one before putting it back in his pocket. He couldn't recite
them all, but he could pick out which was missing. The one with his and
Brendon's full names on it.
Mrs. Bose made her way over. She couldn't just hand it to him because he had
never come out, not to her. She would respect that, of anything.
Ryan only looked more frantically when he noticed her coming. She could alert
his father easier than anyone else.
As Mrs. Bose approached, Ryan shot up and looked at the floor. She backed up
quickly when he spun to make his jacket flare.
Ryan looked harder, further away from the spot it would have initially fell.
Maybe it fell from a fold in his clothes. He pushed past Mrs. Bose, only
concentrated on the floor, now by the vent. He got to his knees and leaned over
to look beneath the slight overhang.
She tried not to gag when he moved her aside by her shoulders to get by and
made sure the note was folded back up properly before dropping it by the leg of
his table.
Ryan crawled forward, still with his nose under the vent. He gave one more
sweeping span over the floor before he leaned against the vent and brought up
his knees to hide any weak emotion that came about. Word was going to get
around, maybe- definitely not directly to his father just yet, but around the
school. Brendon would be outed without any form of consent. Brendon's non-
reclusive mother would find out by way of friend's kids or B's pressured mouth.
She would get furious, not of her son's sexual orientation, but of what she
would find out they had done with each other. She'd alert his father. Ryan
would die. He didn't really wanna die.
"What are you looking for?" she asked when she thought he was crying, knowing
he wasn't looking anymore.
Ryan took his fists and pounded them to the ground over and over and over.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he hissed. He moved to pound his own head instead.
"Fucking idiotic."
"Hey, hey, ok," she said and took his jacket cuff to stop him from hurting
himself anymore. "What's your problem?"
Ryan tightened to as small a ball he could, covering his head.
"Ryan?"
Ryan looked side to side before relaxing. His flinching was going to get him
into some trouble sooner or later.
"What are you looking for?"
Ryan hid his face to his knees again, every piece of him limp. "A stupid piece
a paper," he moaned. He didn't cry, he never cried. But a death sentence really
knew how to pull it out of him. He sucked in a shaky breath. "I'm gonna... My
father, he'll-. Oh, dear god, he'll kill me. He'll. I'm gonna die. Fuck it, I
don't-. Shit, he's-." He stopped himself.
That was a little concerning to pair with the bruise and limp, but Mrs. Bose
was sure he just didn't want to come out yet. "Is it-. Ryan? Is that it?" She
wouldn't have taken it if she had known he would have noticed its absence. She
would have just told someone authorized to check things out of her suspicion.
But at least now she could relax and believe all the others were the same.
Ryan looked up to her and followed her arm and extended finger to a small scrap
of paper. How could he have missed that, sitting right there? Hopefully it
didn't just fall from his pocket a second time.
She could see tear tracks cutting grime down his cheek. Mrs. Bose took a step
back and watched him push a long arm forward and pull back with the note.
Ryan unfolded it carefully, not letting himself get his hopes up, and pressed
the back to his palm. A huge smile of relief spread slowly on his lips while he
folded their names up and carefully put them back into his pocket. "Oh, jeez,"
he sighed, pulling the pocket open to watch it sink securely. "Oh, my god."
Though the smile with what caused it faded quickly. He snapped his head back
up. "Did you see what it said?" he asked while he wiped the wet from his cheeks
with a shredded hoody cuff, smearing more dirt and, ultimately, feces to
replace what the tears had taken.
"No, I just saw it on the ground and pointed you to it. I never read it."
Ryan used the vent, sliding up it, to help him get up with a dangerous look on
his face while he balled his fists tight. "Just tell me, miss. Please, I need
to know if you saw what it said."
She took a step back from his growling as he kept getting closer. "No, Ryan. I
didn't see."
"I won't care," he promised. "I won't do anything to you, I just need to know."
"I didn't see what it said. Now take a seat and do your work."
___________________
Ryan put the end of his pen in his mouth while he thought of what to put next
for his research paper in English. It was the seventh period on only his second
day of school, a Thursday. He had just had lunch and was having trouble getting
food out of his mind. He tried to focus on his report while he adjusted the
hoody on his irritated-from-dirt-and-grease neck. The bruise was still huge and
still difficult to hide, he knew when he caught a girl looking at it. But he
was getting rather apathetic as compared to the day before's hyper awareness.
He didn't really care anymore, he could always just lie and make up a new story
again. Not that anyone ever would really care what happened to him anyway. The
repulsive, uncleanly, and disgustingly rude 17 year old sophomore. He was just
flattering himself when he was really worried, and he didn't want to be one to
go and flatter himself.
He looked up with very mild interest when Mrs. Lustig answered the ringing
phone on the wall. Just one of the many calls teachers got so often in the
beginning of the year.
Mrs. Lustig hung up the phone and went to her desk to write up the pass.
"George, is that 'Ross' with one 's' or two?"
Just correcting her roll sheet. It was incorrect the day before. "Two, miss."
"And you prefer Ryan, right?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Ok," she muttered under her breath as she scribbled something down on the
small white slip, the hall pass. Her and a few of Ryan's other teachers had all
taken note of the ridiculous, completely uncalled for flinching, the huge
bruise on his neck, the limp, and, as of the day, a cut under his eye and- what
she thought was- suspicious pulling of his ratty hoody off his front, maybe
irritating an unseen wound. She was relieved he was getting called down just a
day after their report was sent in, in the very busy beginning of a new year.
Though maybe it should of been the day of, a claim like this should be top
priority. He was just a kid, sophomore year and he was still a kid. Not that
being an adult in his situation was any better.
The pass caught another glance of the English teacher's, who was incredibly
hopeful for the young boy. She came up quietly in her sneakers and set the pass
down in front of him.
Ryan flinched. But of course it wasn't a regular flinch. His arms flew to cover
the back of his head while he ducked down so quickly he hit his forehead on the
table. But it didn't stop him from putting his head under it and balling
tighter.
Mrs. Lustig sighed sadly while Ryan continued to quiver, with arms that seemed
to keep wrapping tighter until his hands were on opposite sides shoulders and
trying to get further. The other kids laughed, especially his table-mate, Ben.
She set a hand cautiously on his back, making him wince and start shaking
harder. He found hair when he could and tugged it so hard, she was sure it was
ripping.
"Everybody be quiet!" she called in her helplessly nice voice. "It isn't funny,
guys!"
She kneeled down next to his side and found his leg to rub in a way she hoped
was reassuring and not invasive. He quickly pulled it away and let out a whine
and whimpered while she hushed him as quietly as she could.
If only she hadn't touched his back, he would've been fine, would have been
able to calm himself down in another moment or two. But the touch freaked him
out, then the second and then he wasn't sure what was going on or what to do
with himself. He took in some deep breaths, telling himself he was fine. She
wasn't doing anything to him, only trying to get him to stop being such a freak
in the middle of her class. He lifted his head slowly and looked all around
himself, his sides and behind himself, and even a surreptitious check under the
table, ignoring the revived laughter. His table had cleared to get a better
view for their entertainment.
"Stop it!" she called. "Not funny, stop."
His chair tipped and dropped him when Ryan jumped in reaction to Ben's thinking
he was funny by swinging at him. The class laughed some more while his fists
balled, increasing the urge to wring every single one of their necks. He
growled dangerously and shoved his hands in his pockets after he got to
standing again, with help from the teacher, in order to stop himself from
lashing out.
"Do not do that!" she shouted at the boy and to the rest of the class slinking
around to get behind the frightened one. Maybe she shouldn't have yelled it,
for he jumped back and looked tensed. He was a cornered animal and they were
all teasing him. With the anger he had shown previously, even in the short
amount of time she'd known him, she wouldn't be surprised if he decided he
needed to try and attack one of them for his own safety.
Everyone kept on laughing, even after she told them to stop, so she waved her
hand with the pass back in it. "Come on, let's go into the hall."
Ryan sent a sweeping scowl to everyone, trying to scare them enough to stop
messing with him before he couldn't hold himself back anymore.
Mrs. Lustig handed him the pass once the door was completely shut. "Go to Mrs.
Unecht, ok? The guidance counselor."
Ryan nodded, feeling worried. He had no idea how he was going to pull this one
off. He was playing? Making fun of them by getting them to make fun of him? He
did his best to look confused, not sure why he was being sent. Like it was
ridiculous.
Mrs. Unecht nodded to him from behind her desk. "How are you Ryan?"
Ryan had been there plenty of times the year before. A couple times for the
cuts on his arm, then twice when the teachers thought he wasn't eating enough.
He knew she didn't care how he was. She was only doing the bare minimum of her
job requirements. He had managed to talk her out of requiring him to go to
therapy before he could return back to school for the cases of cutting. She
didn't even call his 'extremely busy father who was going through a tough time
around and his deceased wife's birthday/ wedding/death anniversary.' It wasn't
hard to convince her to let him tell his father himself, he assumed because she
didn't really feel like making the call in the first place. And with the cases
involving his eating disorder he never actually fessed up to, he got her to
drop it before they could even make it to the nurse's for a weigh in or private
exam of his body because he was just too shy and uncomfortable having anyone
look at him. She didn't care how he was doing.
"Fine, ma'am. And you?" he returned while he took his usual seat she nodded to.
"So, Ryan, do you know why you're here, sweetheart?"
She sounded sweet, and he had no idea why. Why put in any effort at all if she
was already sliding by with what little she was actually doing? She sounded
overly sweet, maybe she was mocking. It certainly got on his nerves.
"Not at all, miss," he answered politely. It wouldn't last long, they both
knew. He would end up snapping and sliding while she kept calling him
sweetheart and honey. Just getting him more frustrated. He was already
struggling to stop his eyes from rolling around while she gave him a 'sad'
smile.
"Well," she started. "A lot of teachers have reported some dramatic flinching.
Do you know what that's about?"
"No," he sighed, letting some lip into his words so soon.
"Ok. Well, they say you cower down, like to avoid getting hit, honey. You hold
down your head? And I've heard of a pretty big contusion on your neck and oh-.
There it is, may I see?"
Ryan sighed, clearly bothered, and looked to the side while he pulled the
stretched out collar in a spot that would show her most of the bruise without
letting her see what others might think as an emaciated collar bone or
shoulder, hoping the neck wasn't already too much.
"Ow," she sighed in a pretty, little voice. Ryan grit his teeth and stopped the
display.
"So, Ryan, are we having problems at home?"
Ryan had been cursing her out in his head since even Mrs. Lustig had said her
name. "No, not at all. Why? What do you mean?"
"Well, right now, it seems to us that maybe somebody at home, or maybe even in
school, is physically abusing you."
"Nope."
Mrs. Unecht gave him another of her sad, sympathetic, mocking smiles while she
inclined her head to whatever he said. "You can tell me," she promised. "It
will remain completely confidential. I won't tell anybody who told me that you
get abused. I can get child protective services to come and help you out. You
can go to live with a family member who loves you and will support you. Ok?"
"My dad loves me," Ryan spat.
"So it's your dad who hits you?"
Ryan's mouth fell agape, but only for a moment. "Nobody hits me!" he yelled,
getting frustrated. He sat up and held onto the arm rests of the chair,
squeezing them tight. "I only said 'My dad' because he's the only one who lives
with me! Nobody fucking hits me!"
She kept smiling. "Watch your mouth, ok? But, before we need to go to the
nurses, do you want to try and explain to me the flinching?"
Ryan sat back again and shrugged. "Not really. I mean, some people don't flinch
at anything. Some people flinch a lot, that's me. Everybody's different."
"Yes, but people have been saying that you hide under your arms and shake like
a dog."
"Hey, like I've said. That's just what I do."
Mrs. Unecht sighed sadly, as if she were actually slightly bothered by any of
it. But, Ryan knew she wouldn't be able to care less if he were set on fire
then shot in the head by his abusive father. So long as she got her check.
"How about your neck then, sweetie? Can you tell me who made that?"
Ryan groaned and let his hands find his clump of hair to pull at. "Nobody!
Nobody hit me! Fine," he sighed, sitting back, relaxed again. He spoke calmly,
now. "My friend Spencer did it. Because he was pitching, we were playing
baseball. I was batting and I missed a couple times." A slight variation of the
story he always used.
"Baseball?" she confirmed. "Can you explain how a ball this big," she held out
her hands, "gave you a bruise that large?"
"It hit me a bunch," he said with a smile, playing along. He shrugged and
shifted in her chair, hoping to leave as much stink as possible. "Um, I'm
clearly not very good. And we were playing around, you know, so he just kept
throwing it. That's all."
"Who were the boys again?"
"Just from my neighborhood."
"How did you get the scrape under your eye?"
Ryan sighed, not sure how much longer he could stay calm like this. "My nail,"
he said. It was his father's, dragging him to the corner. "I just went to, I
don't know, do something, this morning and I scratched myself."
"Ok," she sighed with finality. "We need to go to the nurses for a bit,
alright?"
Ryan nodded and stood, pushing off the table. She didn't ask about his limp the
whole way there. At least he sort of liked the nurses. He didn't really like
anybody, but he didn't hate the nurses. They were sweet and gave him a lollipop
a couple times. He really liked lollipops, especially on those days he knew he
should've had something, like a cracker, at lunch or kept at least a little
down on Sunday. Their names were Mrs. Nett, the main nurse, and Miss. Lieb, her
partner, he would say.
Miss. Lieb, more like reception when she wasn't needed, smiled nervously from
her front desk. Whenever it was Mrs. Unecht with Ryan, something was wrong.
"Uh-oh. What's the matter?"
Mrs. Unecht gave a rather careless sweep of what she could see of the next
room, looking for other kids who shouldn't hear. "Maybe some physical abuse at
home."
Ryan grit his teeth and gave a certain look to Miss. Lieb, hoping to convince
her before he even needed to speak. She smiled back at him. The nurses, they
made him happy. The way they always smiled and laughed, it was nice to be
around, sometimes. They could always put him in a better mood.
"So," she sighed. 'You know, we just need that little scrape under his eye
cleaned, I think, and then we need him to be checked. You or Mrs. Nett can take
him in the back room and, you know."
She nodded and stood to lead them to the second room of three in the Nurses'
Office. The first had a desk with a row of chairs facing it against the wall.
It always had some scented candle Mrs. Lieb let him smell occasionally, she
liked sweet smelling things. The second room had a sink, cabinets he assumed
were filled with bandages and soap and things like that, a round table with its
chairs, three vinyl lined beds, and lots of posters of teeth and food charts
and one saying the importance of washing hands. The third room was simplest. It
had a desk, a couple chairs on the wall to face it, one bed like the other
three, and a scale. No posters and no scented candles or anything personal.
Ryan was taken to the second room and sat at the table. He flinched away
lightly when Mrs. Nett reached out to wash the cut, he knew what was coming and
quickly let her have his chin to hold. He winced while she pulled a clot of
blood off and pressed the cold, wet napkin to the sensitive skin it tore from.
That was over quickly.
Mrs. Nett smiled. She liked Ryan, he was a nice young boy. A little troubled,
but very sweet for it. He smiled back at her. "Ok," she started. "Now, I'm
sorry, bud, but I have to take you right in there so I can have you, you know,
take your shirt off. Ok?"
Ryan sunk back and shook his head minutely . "Uh-uh."
Her smile shrunk a little and got sadder. "Come on, let's at least go in there,
ok?"
Ryan didn't want to not comply at all, it might be suspicious. He would play it
off like he had before. He was too shy to take his top off. He wasn't
comfortable with anyone looking at any part of him, except his face, unclothed.
Mrs. Nett leaned up against the desk while Ryan sat in a chair. "I'm not going
to touch anything, I promise," she started. "I just need you to take your
jacket off and your sweat shirt so I can see if you have any other scrapes or
bruises. Ok?"
Ryan shook his head. He didn't like to be bad for them, the nurses. But he
couldn't do it. He wouldn't. Not only was he covered in scars, some deep still,
but in fresh wounds. He had two on his front and three or four gouged into his
back. He might as well have been one big bruise once he looked under his
clothing. And he was entirely too skinny for her taste. "No, I can't," he said
quietly, though he was pretty sure no one on the other side would be hearing
anything past the thick, heavy, wooden door. "I-. Miss, I won't take my clothes
off. I promise you, I swear on my mother's grave and my father's life, my life,
I swear to God, there is nothing there. I don't cut myself anymore, I'm not
anorexic, and I'm not being abused."
She sighed and looked to the floor. "Honey, I want to believe you, ok? But I
can't. Personally," she said, moving her hands to her chest, "I have no idea
weather you are or not. But, as the nurse, I have to believe you are until you
can prove to me that you're not. And you can do that by showing me a healthy,
un-scraped, un-bruised, well fed back. Ok?"
Ryan shook his head and shrank for the sake of his life, basically. "No, I
can't. I can't take my clothes off. I want to prove to you, I know I can, but I
don't feel comfortable. Really, miss, I'm sorry."
"Ryan, you're making a big deal out of nothing. Either you can just lift your
shirt a little so I can see your tummy, or we can send the CPS to your house
and find out that you are getting hurt. Would you rather emergency services be
wasted on you for however long it takes to see that you're ok, or would you
rather let me see that you're ok that will take two seconds?"
"Miss, I can't."
"Ryan, this is very suspicious to me. I feel like you're trying to hide
something."
"No, you just don't understand. You really don't get it."
"Can you show Mrs. Unecht?" she asked, trying to get something. She really
wanted him to be ok. He shook his head, faster and more nervous looking than he
did with her. "Are you sure, Ryan? Just show one of us just a little bit so we
can send you back to class and you can go home. What about Miss. Lieb? Any of
your teachers?"
Ryan kept shaking his head, hands wringing his sleeves nervously. Honestly,
nervously. "No, miss, please," he started to beg, his throat getting tight and
voice growing thick. "Please, I can't do it. I-. I can't just take my shirt off
like that, I don't feel comfortable. Please, just tell her that you saw and say
that everything was fine. Like it really is. Please, miss. Don't make me do it,
I can't do it, don't make me." He could feel a desperate scream rising to his
neck. "Please." Finally, a tear fell down his cheek. He was about to lose his
father. Once they forced the top off of him, ripped it up after he refused to
cooperate, or just assumed he was lying, they would send CPS to his house. He
was going to be taken away and put in a home of all new people he'd never known
before, somewhere far so he couldn't see Brendon. His dad was going to be put
in jail and he'd never get to see him again. "Please, miss. Please believe me.
Please."
She tried to hush him, but he just kept begging. "It's ok," she promised. "It's
ok, Ryan. Sweetheart, I won't make you do anything you don't want to. I- I
understand, ok? But I can't just let you go, you need to show somebody." He
cried harder and kept the begging under her louder voice, going faster. She had
approached him by then and was holding his shoulder with one hand while he
squeezed her arm tighter and tighter, bringing it in closer. "Is there anybody
in this whole entire school, honey, that you can take your shirt off for, for
even just a second, just one second to show that you're ok so we can send you
back?"
Ryan shook his head and sobbed to her shoulder he was drawing closer. "No, no.
Please, don't make me do it."
She took the seat next to him, almost being forced to. "Not even a student?"
Ryan started shaking his head, but stopped. "Brendon Urie," he said.
"And he's in class, today?"
Ryan let go and nodded. "Yes, miss."
_________________
Brendon closed the door after himself and smiled sadly at Ryan looking defeated
while he slouched in his chair. "Are you ok?" Brendon, himself, was excited.
Ryan shrugged. "Did you close the door?" he asked quietly and got a quiet
little, "Yeah," as response along with a hand on his leg. "B, let's just give
it a minute, then you can tell them all everything is ok."
Brendon put his arm around Ryan, hoping to get into a good spot, somewhere
where Ryan would have trouble hitting him. "No," he said.
Ryan picked his head up and looked to B. "Two? Because you have to convince me
to take my shirt off, first?"
Brendon shook his head. "We can wait as long as you like, I'm going to tell
them he hurts you."
Ryan looked Brendon up and down. "What?"
Brendon carefully reached out and wiped at the clean tracks with his thumb.
"Babe, you're caught."
"No, I'm not. Not if you fucking go out there and tell them right now that I
took my shirt off and I didn't have any bruises or cuts and I looked well fed."
"I'm not gonna do that," he said quietly, voice getting higher as tears
threatened his own eyes.
Ryan shot up and spun to get down and force Brendon back, pinning him up
against the back of his chair and the wall with arms down on either side of him
to block his way if he were to decide to try and slip away. "You are going to
go out there right fucking now and tell everyone who wants to hear that I took
my shirt off for you and you saw nothing special. You got it? Got it?!"
Brendon's head was forced to the side, so he looked at his hip. He didn't have
much purchase, nothing to push off of to stand with Ryan's arms where they
were. He hooked his legs tighter to the seat and forced himself forward and up,
knocking Ryan back into the desk. "No, Ryan," he spat. "They've caught you,
now. They've finally caught you. I'm gonna go out there and tell them
everything, do you got it? I'm gonna tell them he hurts you, starves you,
forces you to live without anyway to bathe, and that he makes you sleep in a
room filled with rats and flies and their maggots. You're gonna finally get
help, Ryan. Don't you want that?"
Ryan was crying again. "No, Brendon," he blubbered. "Please, B. I don't want
that."
"Why not?"
Ryan sniffled and shrugged before he tried to work some fingernails through his
matt of hair to scratch behind his ear. His hair was beginning to push his ear
out more than the other. "Because," he whined, leaning back against the desk.
"Then they'll take me away and-. B I don't wanna get taken away. Please, don't
do this, babe. I love you, please. I don't wanna ever lose you."
"Yeah, I love you, too. That's why I'm gonna do this. He won't hurt you
anymore."
"They'll take me away to some special home. I'll never see you again."
Brendon wiped his eyes with his soft, long, grey shirt sleeves. "Maybe they can
give you some help for your anorexia there. And your cutting. And, baby, just
think. You'll be so much happier, they can put you in a foster home or
something. Somewhere with a warm bed and clean sheets and showers. You won't
have to see another damned rat ever again. They'll give you food and water
everyday and they'll never lock you in a closet. Ryan, it's gonna be better."
"That's not what I want," he said again, getting frantic which brought up
panicked violence and anger. "Brendon, please don't say anything. You don't
know what they'll be like. What if I end up in the same situation? Or even
similar. That could happen, it probably will. Don't you always see on TV those
stories. Aren't they all like that? And they'll take away my dad. He'll go to
jail and I'll never see him again. I need my dad, B. No matter what he does to
me, I love him. Come on, love. I've already lost my mom, don't let them take
him away, too. I can't do that."
Brendon wiped his eyes more urgently. His hands were trembling. "Ryan, it'll be
ok."
"It's not gonna be fucking ok, Brendon! Do you hear me? Can you hear what I'm
saying, you fucking eejit?" He took invasive steps forward, forcing Brendon
back, eventually up to the door and the corner where he hooked down to roar in
his face. "It's not going to be ok! It's not! He's all I've got, you know! You
and him, and if you do this I'll lose you both. I'm fucking 17, I will get out
on my own after high school, when I can figure out how to still take care of
him. Now, you ARE going to go out there and tell them I'm fine. Do. You.
Understand. Me?" he kept shouting.
Brendon shook his head. "Babe, your caught. Just let them help you."
"Nobody can help me but you! Not if you don't go out there exactly when and how
I say and say what I tell you. I will fucking take you down. I will get that
knife you think he abuses me with and I will stab it through your throat and
watch you drown on your own blood. I will leave you to fucking rot in the
damned woods and if you think this is an empty threat just to scare you, you're
dead wrong. I will kill you."
Brendon was positive it was not empty. He nodded and sniffled. "Ok, ok. Just
let me compose myself. Ok?"
Ryan stood up and straitened his jacket, letting Brendon go. "Quickly. We're
already taking too long."
Mrs. Nett pulled her hand back off the door handle. She turned to Mrs. Unecht
and took a few steps away from the door for when they would come back. "You
heard that all, right?" She got a nod. "So whatever he says, you're gonna make
the calls and make sure everything is done to get him out, aren't you?"
Mrs. Unecht nodded. "As soon as I get back to my office."
"Good, right. Don't tell him, just do it."
Brendon wiped his eyes dry and used his phone camera to make sure his eyes
didn't look red or anything. "I can tell you've been crying," he warned.
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. "How? Are my eyes red?"
"No," Brendon sighed, sounding annoyed. "You haven't showered in six years so
when you cry you get clean tracks on your cheeks." Ryan only rolled his eyes
while Brendon held up the camera for him so he could get some of the dirt from
his sleeves to cover his cheeks.
"Good?" he asked, pulling back.
B nodded and heaved a heavy, bothered sigh. "Give me a hug, ok?"
"Nothing?" Mrs. Unecht asked when Brendon came out only shaking his head.
He shook it again. "No, nothing. He's fine, really."
Mrs. Nett took note of Ryan's hard glare towards Brendon. He was even
freighting her. Maybe this would need more thought than just calling right
away. But she was sure Ryan had only said what he did to get Brendon to comply.
Mrs. Unecht nodded. "Ok, that's good. Why don't you two come back to my office
so I can write out a pass for you, and talk to you Ryan, a bit more."
Brendon hung back, with Ryan, behind Mrs. Unecht while they walked so he could
link their pinkies together in the otherwise empty hallway. He wasn't in the
office for long, only waiting for a pass. He didn't know why the nurse couldn't
do it, but was glad for the extra time he could stay by Ryan's side and make
sure he was ok. He left with a goodbye as a lingering look on the way out.
Ryan took his seat again, not sure what they had left to talk about.
Mrs. Unecht smiled at him, hands folded together in front of her chest, on the
table. "Brendon says he saw nothing."
Ryan inclined his head to agree. "Right."
Mrs. Unecht decided just to go against what Mrs. Nett advised. Mrs. Nett was
not the guidance counselor, she was. "So, did you make him say what you
wanted?"
Ryan shook his head. He was calm again, relaxed. He felt secure again. It was
over, she just had what was left to do to be technically completing her job.
Nothing was going to happen. "No."
"I think you did."
He shook his head again. He was lounging, leaning back to the corner of the
chair with his hands folded over his stomach. "Nope."
"I'm not convinced," she said. She just liked to toy with him. She wasn't going
to do anything. She liked to piss him off, scare him. He was so rude to her.
And so needy. Coming down so many times for two different problems, making her
job more difficult than it needed to be.
Ryan sighed, exhausted, and rolled his eyes. "Brendon saw me with my shirt off.
If I were abused, I would have more than one bruise, one cut. I would be
covered underneath my sweater. And I'm not. I'm perfectly ok."
"Ryan, I don't know. Are you sure you didn't intimidate him to get him to say
that?"
"Look, he doesn't abuse me. Not physically, verbally, mentally- sexually. In no
way does he abuse me. My father loves me. I was playing baseball and the boy
pitching was messing around, we all were. Then I caught myself on my nail.
That's all it was. That's all it ever will be." He spoke slowly, calmly. He
wasn't scared, just mildly annoyed with having to sit there longer. He knew she
was messing with him. And he knew it would only take two seconds to convince
her he was fine, because she didn't really care either way.
Now she just had to finish with some seemingly real concern and she could send
him off. "Can you look me in the eyes, sweetheart, and absolutely promise me
there is nothing wrong at home- or at school- and absolutely nothing anybody
can do to help the situation?"
"I promise."
"Ok, honey. I think you've got me. Just remember, you can come down anytime,
just ask your teacher, and talk about anything you need. I'll always be here to
help, ok?"
"Yeah, got it, thank you," he uttered curtly and took the pass, He needed to
get his damn research paper done.
Ryan actually smiled a little to himself on his way back to class. He was going
to be beat down the second he got home, get more bruises from fists,
lacerations from glass and the knife, but at least he was going back home. And
his dad wasn't going to jail. He only had about two more years until he was
free and his father got to remain that way.
Ryan opened the English room door and saw Mrs. Lustig lecturing the class. He
flashed her his pass on his way to his seat.
Mrs. Lustig smiled. "Oh, are you going home?" She was happy knowing he wasn't
going home. Not back to the abuse. That had to be a pass letting him leave
school, to get help and make sure he never saw his house or abuser again.
Ryan shook his head while he sat. "No, ma'am."
Her face fell, but was immediately replaced with a look of anger and confusion
all the kids but Ryan laughed at. She heard Ben laugh and say, "Even she hates
him" and a bunch of other students agreed.
Ryan smiled tauntingly. "Nope. I'm not going anywhere, staying right here until
I can go home to my dad. Nothing was wrong. It was a mistake, miss."
"I need to speak to you in the hallway," she muttered.
Ryan groaned as he got up again. Just the bruised skin over his ribs was
starting to ache from all the activity. All she was going to do was try to get
him to go back down and confess, but she was wasting her time. He didn't even
know why she cared so much.
Mrs. Lustig couldn't stand Mrs. Unecht, she was such a phony. She could guess
what had happened. Ryan could've lifted his shirt and revealed a rife of scars
and new wounds alike, all under bruises. He could've begged to her and she
would put it at the end of her to-do list, because it wasn't very important. Or
he could've been obvious then tell her she was wrong, and she would believe
him. She knew how this went.
"What happened?" she asked. Maybe they could get her fired and replaced with
someone both competent and willing. "Are you ok? Shouldn't you be leaving?"
"No, ma'am. I am not abused by my father at all. I am going home today and I'll
see you again tomorrow."
She shook her head almost angrily at him.
Ryan shrugged smugly back and gave her a face that said, "what are you gonna
do?" "I'm not abused," he said. "I promise you I'm not."
"Will you tell me what happened?"
Since it was confidential, Ryan knew he didn't need to tell. But he didn't
mind. He was feeling overly confident. He had already just gotten Brendon to
promise the nurse and the guidance counselor that he was ok, what harm could he
do, now? "Um," he started and straitened his thumb to start ticking things off.
He looked up, as if trying to recall the lie he couldn't remember. "Well,
first, the flinching, I said to her that I'm just a little different. You don't
flinch and I do. Then, uh, the bruise I believe I said I was playing baseball.
I told her the kid was just messing around, hitting me again, and again, and
again, and again," he said, looking right into her eyes and bobbing his head
with it. "And for no reason at all, until I was begging him to stop. And this
cut right here, I just caught myself on my nail."
"You're sick," she spat. "I care. I want to help you out, and you do this."
"You care? No, fuck that. No you don't. You don't care, you don't want to be
caught as one of the kid's teacher who had noticed a limp, a bruise, a cut, the
no showering- all of it and didn't say a thing when he truly gets caught, when
he's killed. You don't want to be the one they can tell knew about it when they
find him dead on the floor from a crushed skull or maybe he bled out or finally
starved to death. You do not care, I know that you don't, you're just making
more effort to not get yourself in trouble when everything surfaces, than the
others are."
"So he hits you and he cuts you and he doesn't feed you? You don't even get
fed?"
Ryan rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "Keep up the act, this is good. Now you
can at least say you tried. But stop with the whiny fucking voice, acting as if
this affects you. Because it doesn't. And no, he does feed me."
"What? Once a week?"
Ryan took in a deep breath and moved a hand to rub his forehead, trying to keep
from strangling her.
"You look thin. I- I have food. Do you want me to give you some food? You can
eat it out here, not in front of everyone else. I can start bringing extra food
for you everyday, ok? Until you're ok, until you're in a better home."
"Look, there is no better home," he spat and looked down on her. "I- alright
you've basically caught me by now, anyway; I'm being too cocky for my own good.
I think I might as well have just fessed up. I live with my father. My
controlling father. Now am I supposed to be getting help for myself? Is that
allowed? No, of course not. So the punishment for that, if I were to let some
CPS worker into the house, would be, most likely, for the both of us to be shot
with his gun. The gun he has very easy access to and that he has plenty of
ammunition for. Now, I've never been shot before, personally, but I hear it
fucking sucks. I don't want to see for myself. He would try to kill me, he'd go
for my head, and, knowing him, he wouldn't miss. Not saying he's a great shot
drunk, but he would certainly try again. So with that, from 11 and not wanting
to lose him, too, to 17 and being the only one to look after him, the father I
still love very dearly, and not wanting to die, myself, I am in a tough little
spot.
"So, my plan- don't fuck with it- is to finish high school and try and find
some special fucking place who will look after him. Who maybe will even try and
help him with his alcoholism. But somewhere I can trust to leave my dad. Now,
I'll even let you know I have a boyfriend, or, well a very good friend, but
don't tell anyone else because he'll kill me with the gun. But anyway, yes,
there is someone who loves me past my smell and behavior, granted I've known
him my whole life, before this all broke out and I plan to go find somewhere,
anywhere to live together after I've passed my father onto someone else. I
don't like goodbyes, so maybe he can just fade out of my life that way before
he dies of fucking liver failure or something like emphysema. Now please don't
fuck with that. You got me? There is no better place, not right now."
She listened quietly, patiently waiting her turn. "You're only a sophomore, he
could find out about your boyfriend or the CPS could come before you ever
graduate."
He shrugged with opened his arms. "That's not what I'm hoping for. Now, I'm not
out and neither is my boyfriend, so I think if we keep it between us three, he
won't be pressured to come out to his mother or anything like that. Because if
he comes out to his mother, his mother could be angry if she finds out that
we... you know, do some big boy stuff in her house. And if she finds that out,
I'm worried she'll tell my father of my behavior. So there, see, don't tell
anyone. Why would you? You don't fucking care. There goes one piece of this
horrendous fucking puzzle. Now, next? Don't fucking tell anybody what I just
told you. Is that clear? Don't be the hero, the one to call up the CPS, tell
them I'm in danger. Because that will help no one. That one won't help me. That
will kill me. I know you don't want to be the one that didn't think anything
through even though you're the one who knew this could've been prevented. Now,
I'll kill myself. I don't give a shit, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm happy. It's all
very confusing, volatile and-. Fuck, what do you care? I will kill myself,
maybe I'll get the gun and do it tonight. Maybe I won't, I'm rather sporadic,"
he explained, splaying his fingers. "Depends on how I feel. But don't you
worry, I wouldn't want you to lose one of your beloved students. I usually let
my boyfriend know and he can often talk me down. Other times it's unsuccessful.
Now, you cannot tell anyone that I am occasionally suicidal because guess what?
Oh! They'll send out their fucking CPS. Not that this guidance counselor would
ever contact them, anyway, she fucking sucks. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is
that I've got this under control. I will not lose my life to him, I'd rather,
and I will, go by either myself or some deadly illness that springs about from
having not had, what? I think now it's eight showers in the last five or six
years. And I've got a plan, I've had six years to think of one. So don't fuck
with it. That's really all I'm asking here. It won't be hard. And, hey, look,
now you can be the hero that went along with it and didn't get the boy killed."
"Would you stop? I'm not trying to be some hero. Some people just care, ok? But
what if I can get CPS out there, I'll call an-."
"What the fuck did I just say?"
"Stop. I will call myself and I will tell them that they need to bring some
special help. I'll tell them a child is in danger that needs to be rescued, but
that his father is more than willing to shoot him. They'll know what to do, I'm
sure this isn't the first case. They can arrest him, have his arms tied before
he even knows what's going on and then they can take you away."
Ryan's heart began to pound. "No," he said simply before going on. "No, no, no.
Do not do that. If you do that, I, I will come back from wherever the FUCK they
decide is better, and I will personally shoot you. You think that's crazy? I'm
crazy. I'm sure by now I am. That is not an empty threat, that is a promise.
You won't take it seriously? Course not, it's something desensitized. I will
fucking shoot you. You have children, don't you? And a husband? I'll fucking do
it in front of them all then hand him a drink. See what happens then. Don't
fucking do it. It's simple."
She was a little taken aback by how sick that was. "Ryan," she gasped quietly.
"That's-" But of course she didn't believe him.
"Yeah, this shit can mess a kid up. I know that. And I'll do it. Maybe we can
start a chain, yeah? See how your children get the fuck outta there."
She shook her head to rid herself of any thought about it. "I-. Just-." She
heaved a sigh. "Ryan, they'll know how to do this. How to get you out safely.
They'll make sure you don't die by him and make sure you get the help you need
for your suicidal thoughts and any medical care you need, any showers you
want."
"No," he said again. "I said no. I don't fucking know why, after six years,
just one before I can say it's my choice to live with him, before I'm not a
child anymore, my teachers notice. Nobody else has cared before. I fucking have
come in with a scratch on my face, a black eye, many limps. But I suppose you
could blame it on being a boy. Now, do I need to repeat myself? I WILL kill
you. I don't fucking care if they find out it's me, hell I'll turn myself in as
soon as I'm done."
"Ryan, I've just told you they'll make sure you get out alive. Why are you
still resisting?"
He scrubbed his face. "Because," he moaned. "I love my father. I've got two
people, right now. I've got him and I've got my, my special friend ok? My
boyfriend is all fucking for ratting me right the fuck out. He nearly did while
I was down there at the nurses'. Except he believes me when I threaten to kill
him. He knows I'll do it. I don't think you understand yet how sick I've
become. But maybe your family can find out. Now, my boyfriend has also known me
my whole life, so far. We're growing up together. I told him and our other two
friends everything when I was 11, 12, I still do today. He knows how much I
love my father, how much I need him. He knows I'll get out alive, armed CPS
workers or not. He knows I'm ok. He doesn't like it, of course he doesn't
fucking like it. He does love me. He's come pretty damn close to looking up the
number himself, many times. He threatens me with it. And he knows it's a
threat. He is threatening me when he offers to call the CPS, the guidance
counselor, the police, the teachers, his mother to do it for him. He's scared
for me, but he knows he's threatening me. Not necessarily for my life. I love
my dad. He's my dad! We lost my mother together and we started going through
the grieving together until he took a wrong turn. I don't want my father in
jail, who wants their father in jail? Then I won't have him anymore. I won't
see him again. I'm very attached to him, I'd say more than I was before she
died. Now, I'm also attached to my boyfriend. I love him. I love him more than
anyone else in the whole world, he's perfect. Absolutely perfect, I hear you
like him, too. But I don't know where that foster home is, where they send
their kids to school at. So, by calling CPS, I lose my father and my boyfriend.
One and two, two people I love in this world, two people I care about, and yes,
two people who ultimately care about me. You call CPS and you are tearing me
away from them both. Two people, I want at least one. I can safely have just
one if you let me finish high school here."
"Ryan, if I call CPS you will get out of that situation."
"And I'll kill myself without them both."
"But-. No, Ryan. Don't. If you get the help you need, I mean put somewhere you
like. Somewhere that's gonna have a nice warm bed for you to sleep in-."
"Oh, then what? You gotta get adopted to get out of there, don't you? Who's
gonna want me? Nobody wants me. So you're here gonna make me spend a year by
myself just so I can get kicked out to live where? On the streets, you asshole.
At least I've got a roof over my head, right now."
"They won't just kick you out. They'll help you."
Ryan shook his head. "Look, I get that you want to help. Let's say you do care.
You just don't understand," he said softly. "You think this will help, but it
won't." He cursed himself, his voice was getting thick, though maybe it would
help win her over. "You do not understand. This will help nobody. How many
times have I said it? I've got two people I love. My father and my boyfriend.
And what if he moves? His mother doesn't like it there. And it's not like I
have his number. So," he trailed off and sighed. "I've got this. Just as long
as no one fucks up."
"How about I go contact the CPS right now? Really, you-."
Ryan shoved her hand off him so hard she was a little unbalanced. "No, you will
not. Look, I can make it easy for you. I'll threaten to kill you. Now you can
be the one who didn't do anything for good reason. Because who would expect her
to risk her own life when she has a family and for some dumb, ungrateful little
brat who didn't even want the help in the first place. Now don't get this
wrong, this threat to kill you is not empty, it isn't /just/ so you can use it
as an excuse, I'm no longer trying to convince you by scaring you. I will kill
you," he growled while he got into her face, pushing her back until she was
squished against the wall. He cocked his head side to side, all while staring
into her deep, blue eyes. "You can call me a crazy, a psychopath, I don't care.
Maybe you'd even be right. But don't you worry, alright? I will escape the
foster home if it's fucking in China and I will come back here and I will kill
you. I will find you, no matter how long or how hard, I will catch you. And I'm
gonna take that knife he uses on me and those beer bottles as they lay in my
home and I will cut you, I will stab you in the chest so I can watch you die as
slowly as possible while I continue to smash that bottle over your head until
it shatters. And all while your husband and children watch, I'll make them. You
have three sons, don't you? How about I kill only one to go with you? Huh? And
then I'll hand their father a drink to encourage all the love, the respect, the
positive development of responsibilities, and self control that all come with
having an 'abusive' father. All that comes from the pain, the hurt, the
desertion, left utterly alone. All that you don't seem to approve of. Now don't
you doubt me. Don't you tell yourself, 'Oh, he's just crazy. He's just making
this up so I won't tell. He won't really do anything, he's crazy.' He is not
crazy!" he roared. "He is not crazy! He will kill you and he'll love it! And
you can wait till he's nice and fucking fat from the fosters. He'll wait till
he's strong enough, you hear? The only reason his boyfriend, his two friends,
aren't in the ground yet are because they're all stronger than him. They're
strong enough to push him back, to get the knife from his hands before it meets
their chests, to pull his fingers from 'round their necks, to lift their faces
from the water. But I'll make sure he's nice and strong before he comes after
you. /I'll/ make sure he finds you. You may think he's taking awhile. Maybe
he's forgotten by now, huh? Oh, yeah, he's forgotten by now. But, then, maybe
he's grateful. He's realized what you've done for him. But I can assure that
isn't the truth. He'll remember. He won't let the fosters find out he's crazy,"
Ryan whispered, letting his words linger a little longer. "Not so they'll lock
him up tight. He'll act normal until he's been tried for your and one of your
son's murder. Ok? Do you understand?" He tipped his head to push the bridges of
their noses together, pushing his head tight against hers, forcing it to the
wall and crushing her nose. "Do you understand me? Huh?"
She tried to pull away when he was squashing her nose, but she couldn't. She
matched up and pushed him back to stumbling.
Ryan shook his head out and straitened his jacket before asking normally, "Ok?"
He sounded calm, professional. "Was I clear enough for you?" He wasn't mocking.
"Just, you know, as long as nobody fucks up I'll be ok. And don't worry,
nobody's gonna fuck up, alright?"
Mrs. Lustig nodded, rubbing her nose. "Yes, you were. I understand. But just
wait out here, alright? I'm gonna be right back." He looked untrusting, but
only re-straitened his big overcoat and put his hands in its pockets. She left
him to find her bag of lunch she usually saved for throughout the day, he
clearly needed it more, and her phone to look up the local CPS' number and
website while she waited in the hall for him to finish eating. He was just
getting desperate, putting on a show. After his confession, all the passion
he'd shown, the love for his father and boyfriend, she was sure he just was
going to last resorts.
Ryan's shaking legs, exhausted, could only take him to the wall before he slid
quickly down it, more like falling. Every muscle in him ached and trembled for
the overuse. All the walking, the getting up and sitting down, the arguing, the
yelling. He felt ready to vomit, but as soon as he caught the brown paper sac
hanging from her hands, he couldn't take his eyes off it. She had said she
hadn't finished her lunch, maybe she'd share. His mouth fell open and started
to water; he couldn't control himself. He would've jumped to snatch it from her
and run, hide to eat it, but he truly was exhausted.
The unbreakable stare at her lunch only encouraged her. His stomach even
growled loudly, for a while, too. CPS was definitely something he needed. She
would call as soon as she could, her next free period, luckily being 9/10,
right after his class. Hopefully they could greet him at his door. She wouldn't
give herself up, but maybe she could still swing him. "Honey, if you were to
let me call the CPS, I won't unless you want me to, but if I did, then just
think. You'd be in a home where you can eat whenever you like. As much as you
like, until you're happy. Would you like that?"
Ryan grunted, neither positive or negative. He wasn't thinking, he hardly heard
what she was saying.
"Should I call?"
Ryan ripped his eyes away from the bag. He wondered what was inside. Maybe
something good, hopefully a lot. He hadn't eaten the past Sunday. Rather, he
hadn't left anything in his stomach for longer than a few minutes the past
Sunday. He needed to eat, he told himself. To stay alive. He needed to eat
sometimes. Maybe this would be the one time. Hopefully she liked crackers and
water and celery.
"What?"
"Should I call the CPS?" she asked more carefully, seeing he was out of the
trance. "So you could eat whenever you like, until you're satisfied. Would you
want that?"
He was still slightly dazed, wondering if he could get away with purging just a
little bit in the middle of school, if he could get away from her and do it
without her finding out. "No," he said quietly. "No, that's ok, miss."
She sighed. "Ok. Just get up, alright? You can eat at the table in the
classroom, but if you don't want to eat in front of everyone then... I don't
want you to eat in the bathroom, but the period's almost over, I don't want you
to be squashed."
He shook his head.
"Just get up, honey."
He bowed his head, looking to the ground between his knees. He was ashamed. "I
can't," he mumbled.
"Why not?"
He shrugged, "I don't know. The walking, the standing, the arguing."
"Can you try?" she asked, hoping not to embarrass him any further than he
already clearly was. She saw him shift, sit a little taller, before he shook
his head. She could guess that was his attempt. "Do you need help... or just a
minute?"
He shrugged again. "Help in a minute," he said. He could only get off the
ground if he had help from a table or chair, anything to drag himself up, but
it was still difficult.
"Oh, ok," she said, not sounding displeased or surprised. "Well you can wait a
minute or you can just eat fast, which- oh, ok."
Ryan sat up immediately and snatched the bag from her hand. He nearly tipped
over, feeling especially weak in the legs, but he pushed himself back upright
and spilled the bag on the floor. Crackers, possibly seasoned, plain yogurt,
and a banana. Not the worst in the world.
"I-." He shook his head and pushed it all away. "No, I shouldn't."
"I already ate," she promised. And she did, just not how she had planned, yet.
She assumed he didn't want to take her lunch. "I didn't finish this because I
didn't want it. You have it, ok?"
Ryan shook his head. Maybe if he could get her to tell him to eat, not just say
it was ok, he could blame it on being ordered by a superior. "No, really. I, I
don't need this. It's yours. I'm stealing."
She pushed it back to him. 'I'm giving it to you- you aren't stealing. Just
eat, ok?"
He looked unsurely at her.
"Eat it, Ryan. You do need it."
Ryan's hand shot out for the Ziploc of crackers. He didn't even care if a
flavor added more calories, or anything, really. He just couldn't stare at it
and keep refusing anymore. And she had ordered him. His trembling, anticipating
fingers fumbled, he couldn't get it. He grabbed it by its bulk and shoved it to
her. Mrs. Lustig opened it far too slowly, she wasn't as excited as he. Ryan
grabbed it back from her as soon as he'd heard at least some of it snap open.
The yogurt was opened next, as she sat in front of him. She set her plastic
spoon in it and offered it closer for when he finished wolfing down the
crackers. She was a little concerned by how quickly he shoved them in his
mouth, and it wasn't long before she had to pat him roughly on his back to stop
his choking. He spat out some chewed, soggy mush, some landing on the bag and
some just on the floor that he scooped back up, all of it, and finished it. He
started the yogurt just as eagerly and she felt he was safer eating this alone,
so she took his shoulder and said, "I'll be right back, ok? I'm gonna get you
some water." He didn't answer.
When she got back, the little bowl was licked clean and all the crumbs on the
floor were gone.
Ryan watched her open the water, again eager. It was something more to fill his
belly, and this part didn't even have calories. He was pretty thirsty, too. He
tried to take advantage of the water fountains, but couldn't always with his
new teachers being jerks. And even before, he found himself using Brendon's,
the only one to have it, unlocked spicket. But when he got the water bottle,
his shaking hands couldn't handle it and he ended up spilling a bit on the
ground. Mrs. Lustig was kind enough to hold it to his lips for him and even
spilled a little in his hands when he gestured the request. She didn't say
anything while he rubbed the water on his hands and up sharply scared and still
cut arms. She only poured more when he asked for his neck and shoulders. He got
his face, too, trying to at least make his beard distinguishable against his
dark with all-sorts-of-dirt face.
"Do you want the banana, too?" She hardly finished her sentence before he
shoved it to her, for her to open. He inhaled it. She was sure to be gentle
with him, polite. She doubted he just let go like this in front of many people.
Before scrubbing his face and taking away any of the progress made with the
water, Ryan heaved a sigh and looked down at what he'd done. Now he had eighth
period with her, completing one class. "You-. You won't tell anyone about
anything?" he asked quietly. "About my... situation or what I just did?"
She shook her head. "No, of course not." She had found the website with the
number on it while he ate.
__________
Mrs. Lustig found a quiet class room to sit in ninth period, one empty. She
leaned back in the usual office chair behind the teacher's desk and waited
while it rang. "Hello? Yes, reporting. I know of a boy being brutally abused by
his father. He's 17, isn't fed, is attacked......" She explained that he went
to her school, was one of her students. That he confessed to her, but made her
swear she wouldn't call. She told them he didn't want to go and was scared his
father would kill him and anybody that came to get him. Her and the worker
named Abigail Hoffen were on the phone quite a while. It was eventually decided
that undercover, unmarked cars would drive around his court she looked up to
find he lived in. They would scope out the situation, see if they could find
Ryan outside by his description, "Big bruise on his neck, matted, dark, greasy
brown hair even starting to push his ear out. Tall, maybe six feet, but
hunched. Same clothes everyday- brown jacket, ratty, dark blue, torn sweatshirt
and ripped, bloody and muddy jeans too short for him. He's starving, so, very
thin face. And you'll probably smell him before you ever see him." and if they
could, try and see if he might come with them. By Wednesday Abigail said they
would have plenty of information of when and where they saw the boy or the
father, who they thought the father would be, and if they couldn't get Ryan by
then, they would take action. She promised armed officers, plenty of police
cars, and anything they could conceivably need and have available. Mrs. Lustig
wanted them to say they'd take action sooner, but understood that by Wednesday
they would be safe with patterns.
_____________________
____________________________
Ryan was both very pissed off and weirded out that next Friday. He left the
house to see a dark colored car with tinted windows sitting outside his house.
The neighbors' visitors had never pulled up to sit right outside /his/ house
before. He stopped just off his porch to stare down the driveway they didn't
quite block, intrigued. He could see two figures sitting up past tinted
windows, he thought.
His head snapped up when he heard Brendon calling to him on his way to the bus
that was sitting at the stop, waiting for stragglers like it always did until
the half hour, when it could leave and say the kids were late. "I'm coming!" he
shouted back, maybe too loudly. He kept watching the figures that he swore
faced his way and contemplated going up and telling them to piss off, until he
froze at the sound of a screen door banging open behind him.
"Ryan! You piece of shit!"
His coat flared when he whirled around to see his angry father out on the
porch, beer bottle held by the neck, ready to be used as a weapon rather than
drink from. The car and its people were forgotten while he was too busy ducking
to avoid the bottle thrown that smashed on the driveway that had been empty for
near six years.
"You left the fucking door open, you know!" George shouted, so angry he didn't
even bother in looking around to see if anyone else was outside. "You woke me
the fuck up and then you leave the door open? What? Are you stupid?"
Ryan couldn't help but gasp when his hair was grabbed in a fist and pulled to
the side. He shook his head.
"Oh? You're not?"
He nodded, this time.
"Well what is it?! Don't make me angry, you fuck," he hissed, hanging onto the
hair even while he leaned down to pick up a piece of glass that laid nearby. He
threw Ryan back and swung it at his face, completely enraged with everything
his son was. The way he looked, the way he acted, the way he talked. He
despised it. The only way to take his frustrations out was by marring the boy.
"I'm stupid," Ryan grunted while he grabbed the buttress of the porch overhang
to help pull his weak self upright again.
George pushed him off the pole, sending him bent to use the ground and push off
to run to the bus. He threw the bloody glass down and pushed his way back into
the smelly house. He slammed the door shut.
Ryan ran as fast as he could, swinging around the corner and skipping steps up
into the bus. Way out of breath, he dropped to the seat next to Brendon.
Brendon was wide eyed. It had been a long time since George had stepped foot
outside the house, and even longer since he did it to attack Ryan in public.
"Oh, stop!" he called to the driver as she was pulling away. The bus jerked and
she angrily called, "It's six thirty! They're late and I'm not waiting!"
"No! No, I need the first-aid kit," he said, pushing Ryan to the empty seat
opposite theirs, across the aisle. He stepped back when the woman picked it up
herself and waited to be pointed to who needed. "See? On his jaw, this side,"
he explained and turned Ryan's head.
"I don't need a damn first-aid kit," Ryan snapped, trying to pull his head
back.
"Watch your fucking mouth!" she barked, getting him to quiet and comply
instantly. "What happened?" she grunted while she began cleaning it out.
His heart raced to the point where he was being rocked back forth by it, alone.
"Uh, um," he stammered.
"What happened? How did you get cut?"
"Can we just go?" he asked quietly and tried to push her hand away. "I'm fine.
I don't think it's that bad."
"What happed?" she asked firmer. "I will call the police if you don't tell me,
boy."
"There's a hook, in my house, that sticks out of the wall. It used to hang
coats, but it broke a long time ago. I was walking by and it's right level with
my jaw."
"A hook?"
"A metal, one. I broke it when I was younger, playing on it. It doesn't bend
up, it sticks out and it caught me."
"Now was that so hard?" she asked in a grunt, peeling off the gloves. "Don't
touch it, now."
"Yes, miss."
_______________
Ryan heaved a heavy sigh and settled his chin on his arms while he waited for
the science teacher to put the notes up on the board. He had ignored the bus
driver and was scratching at his new mark all holding, homeroom, and first
period. Or, at least scratching around it. He had taken the white, gauze
bandage off because it was irritating, stuck on over his beard and wound by the
stinging ointment. He kept scratching aggressively while the teacher approached
him, probably to tell him he was late again or something of the like.
"Do any of you have your homework?" she asked, dropping her book heavy on the
table to wait. "Gary? No," she sighed. "Allison?"
Ryan looked up at her lazily. "No- ow!" he nearly shouted and moved to grab
around his open wound. He half whined, half groaned, pressing around to relieve
it now that he had spoken and stretched it back open whatever it had closed.
"Fuck," he hissed, pretty sure he could feel blood before he pulled his fingers
back.
Mrs. Bose carefully took his pinky, stray from the rest trying to put pressure
on something hurting him. He dropped his eyes guiltily and let her look.
It was a large, open cut, probably a whole two inches long. The huge bruise was
still there, he was still in the same clothes, and he still smelled like he
hadn't showered in six years. "Can you came into the hall with me?"
He shook his head and pulled away. "I don't wanna hear it. The bus driver
already did the first-aid shit."
"Come into the hall with me," she said firmer. "Let's go."
He groaned loudly and shot up to his feet, sending the chair back. He towered
over her, looking down angrily while he waited for her to close her book and
lead him out. He stood still by his desk while he watched her set down the
grade book on hers, a few feet away, and only started to follow when she
reached the door.
She left her foot to hold it open, not trusting any of her students would open
it for her when it closed, as all doors in the school were constantly locked.
He leaned against the wall, giving his foot a rest. Just to add on, he had a
limp, too. That had just appeared one day. "Should I send you to the guidance
counselor? Then the nurse?"
"The counselor for having a little scrape on my face?" he retorted. "Yeah, send
me to fucking guidance, will you?"
She would probably just have to learn to live with his dirty mouth. It wasn't
like anyone seemed to even care to correct him. Maybe she shouldn't blame him
so much, for the swearing, the rude behavior, the smell, or any of it. Maybe he
had grown up this way. "Well, not just the cut," she said. "Let's see." She
held up her hand to start ticking things off. "You limp, I've seen cuts on your
wrists, that massive bruise on your neck. You're the skinniest scrap of a boy
I've ever seen. You smell terrible. You don't change your clothes and today
you've come in here with a bad mark on your face."
"I thought you thought I was making all this shit up."
"I was talking about when you told me you've seen friends die and that you've
seen worse than a war vet."
"Alright, I was pissed. And I wouldn't say all those people were friends."
"Ryan."
"Look, just because you don't like me doesn't mean anything is wrong. I'm not
fucking abused by my father, ok? He-."
"I don't think I said anything like that." She could see his face fall for just
a fraction of a second.
"I know where this is going," he spat, leaning over a bit, but only for a
second before his regular bruises forced him upright, again. "It seems obvious,
doesn't it? I only live with my father, that's it. But just because you don't
like my fucking life style doesn't mean you can accuse my hard working father
of something so despicable. Yeah, I'm not the cleanest kid in the world. Fuck
you, I don't care. I'm skinny, I know. You know how I got this?" he asked,
pointing to his neck. "I was playing with some boys who live in my neighborhood
and one of them thought he was being funny. No harm done. This?" he asked,
pointing to his shin. "Yeah, I'll be honest. I fell down the fucking stairs. No
harm done. This? An old fucking hook in the wall for coats broke and it sticks
strait out. Wasn't paying attention. No motherfucking harm done."
"Why don't you take the hook down?"
"Well there was no fucking point before, was there? Maybe I will, now!"
"I hear your goddamn stomach growling all period."
"Yeah," he said, nodding his head. "Bet I'm not the only one. It's second
period. I don't eat breakfast."
"You're the only one."
Ryan heaved a sigh and turned to push his forehead into the wall, thinking
about bringing it back and smashing it in. "Alright. You caught me, then, huh?
I'm anorexic, ok? Don't you dare fucking intervene. My father made me start
going to therapy when he found out- recently. I'm not going to tell the school
because then they'll suspend me until I go see one of their therapists. And I
don't really feel like dealing with that. So you're not going to tell the
school. Hell, I'll ask her to sign papers I can bring to prove to you I go. I
do."
"Please," she sighed. "I want proof or I'll report you."
"Yeah, man," he sighed, letting his arms wrap around his stomach as he was
beginning to feel actually insecure. He was pretty sure all of Mrs. Lustig's
leftover lunch went right to his stomach, already.
"Because you should be getting help for that."
His nose wrinkled and he rolled his eyes. She was starting to sound sincere.
"Unless of course your father doesn't let you eat."
"Alright, miss. I just fucking confessed to you one of the most personal pieces
of myself and you're still gonna keep accusing me?"
"Why confess to me? So I'll believe it and not try and report your father for
possible child abuse?"
"I'm 17, you fuck-piece. I'm am so near not being a child. I can almost say
it's a choice to live with him."
"So I'm right."
His arms tightened and his teeth grit. Quickly, he spun and pushed her back,
getting her foot from the door so he could slam it shut. "You are not going to
ruin this for me," he spat, almost whispering, leaned down closer to her face.
"I don't know what the fuck has been going on, lately. Y'know, yeah. Maybe one
too many beer bottle has been smashed over my goddamn head. Maybe all that
vodka I've been forced to drink as water has been getting to me." If he was
caught, why not appall them with the conditions in which he lives? It was fun
to see Mrs. Lustig's face horrified, probably thinking of her own children.
Mrs. Bose gasped and backed up. "Oh, yeah," he said. "You know I was drunk
yesterday. I'm drunk right now. Don't you smell it? Yeah, I am. Guess why? My
sinks are so fucking clogged with rat shit and so fucking banged up from badly
aimed bottles or maybe a perfectly aimed me. I get to turn them on and watch
the fucking water spew just out of reach. I could just get at when I was
younger, but you see I've grown. Now it only taunts me. Now I get to come to
school drunk, but not parched. I started in the summer when I was eleven, and
now my friends tell me I'm an alcoholic like him." Maybe this would work for
him, too.
She tried to ignore what he was saying. "Get out of my face," she said
dangerously. "I will call the police if you do not take a step back." Ryan
stood strait and spun on his heels to walk back to her classroom door. "Oh,
yeah. It's fucking terrible in there. You know, I would say it's literal hell.
The rats, sometimes they like to sleep with me," he laughed and brought up his
shoulders in a snuggly kind of way. "At least it's a little warmer when we're
all huddled together. Would you like to hear something gross? When I'm really
down on my luck, I like it when they piss on me. Keeps me cozy in the winter.
Of course we don't have heat. Why the fuck would we have heat? All the money
goes to either: a- the alcohol; b- the electricity to keep the alcohol cold; or
c- the rent to house the alcohol. They money, obviously, is his check from his
disability he got years ago. He was disabled, believe it or not, when his
parents refused to quit smashing his back with a baseball bat. He got set up
for the disability by my mother, because she was actually able to speak to
people without fearing they were all out to get her. They haven't stopped
sending it, yet. I don't know why. But I keep cashing it."
"I'm reporting this," she warned. "You just admitted it to me. I'm calling the
police so they can pick you up from school and take you somewhere to get you
checked out."
"No, no," he said. "No, you won't. You are not going to ruin this for me."
"Ruin what? Living like an animal? Do you like this?"
Ryan held onto the door handle for support. Standing for even a short while was
already difficult. "No, I don't like it, you fucker. No, what I like is being
in a stable fucking home."
"You call that stable?"
"Actually, yeah, I do!" he shouted, whipping around. He groaned while he tried
to slide slowly to the floor. "Pretty routine."
"Get up," she hissed. "Out from in front of the door."
"No," he returned just as angrily, finding his hip to put pressure to. He
groaned and started to work down his tired leg before he could even have the
strength to speak again.
"Move and I'll call the nurse. See? He does starve you."
Ryan shook his head, reduced to only a pained face and two hands wrapped around
his gargantuan thigh. "Mm-hm," he whimpered, not able to help that he sounded
like a kid.
On the side of him he was holding, she heaved a sigh and knelt down. "What
hurts?" she inquired softly while his hands worked down his legs, then turned
on their own arms.
"Everything," he said, whining in the same way, again. He couldn't keep this
up, much longer. These great shows for the ones who found out, not if they were
going to keep succeeding the last just a day after. He swore fighting with Mrs.
Lustig had put a real toll on his battered body. And maybe being such a glutton
right after really did do him more harm than he knew it did him good in the
back of his head. He should have only had a little.
She reached out carefully while his head was lolled to one side to lift his
sweater up. All she saw was a purple skeleton wearing red lines and pink
stripes. She was almost mesmerized by watching him breath, even able to see his
racing heart beat.
He was panting and thought about moving again to pull her hands off his shirt,
but with each passing second found it more and more unnecessary and impossible.
He whined. "Sometimes," he started. "It gets hard. He isn't thin, anymore. He's
strong, too. It's a workout, at least. I'm benefiting him in that. It's
healthier to have something working you out than just sitting all day."
He didn't make any sort of protest when she inched closer to lift his tattered
hoody higher so she could watch his ribs expand and contract. "Are you hungry?
You can have my lunch."
He shook his head. The only reason he wasn't crying was because it took too
much energy. "No," he sighed. He was hardly able to talk, even. "No, thank you.
I'll tell you, I am anorexic. Really. Though, it helps when I have no choice
six out of seven days in the week. But, my English teacher knows. She..." He
trailed off to work up the energy to fill his lungs completely, leaving him
coughing weakly, but wetly. "Was it yesterday, maybe? I threatened to kill her
and one of her children if she called CPS. And same to you, y'know. Obviously,
I'll wait until those damn fosters can fatten me up. Jeez, that'll be the day.
I'll find you. But, anyway, no thanks. I put on some great show for her,
yesterday. Screamed in her face, pushed her. Paced. She gave me food yesterday
and I couldn't resist. I think she's brought something, today, but I'm going to
try and say no."
"Have my lunch now and have hers later."
"Are you deaf?"
She scoffed, not surprised he even had time and energy for snarky remarks while
he lay helpless on the floor. "Start eating when you can and you could get
stronger."
"Rather keep my figure, honestly."
"What figure?"
"Exactly."
She sighed. She had let his hoody drop already, but reached out again to fix it
and pat it more snuggly to him. He must have been freezing. "Can you move?"
He grunted for his no, half asleep.
"Fine. What can you weigh? Two pounds? -." she started, having decided to move
him, herself.
"Thanks."
"I'll pull you aside and I'll get in to call the nurses. They can bring a wheel
chair and take you down to rest while the police come."
Ryan kept leaning heavier and heavier to one side until he fell without giving
any effort at all to catch himself. She groaned at that and grabbed his arm to
sit him up, but he was as limp as her youngest son when he didn't want to do
something. "Come on," she coaxed, getting him upright before she could start to
pull him aside.
"Is it honestly that I've been hit on the head so many times?" he asked dully.
"Because, I'll tell you, Mrs. Lustig, my English teacher, was the first to say
a damn word in these past six years. Not even when I missed half of the fifth
grade because I was caught in some awful mix of mourning my mother and being
beaten by my father and trained by his family. They stick me in a damn dog
cage, you know. One of 'em's a cop and one time they tasered me so bad I almost
had a damn heart attack. Wouldn't that have been cool? Then it would all have
been over. Or the time my father's sister- see, I won't call her my aunt. And /
she/ isn't my grandmother, nor is he my uncle. I've got all those from my
mother's side, though I haven't seen them since the funeral. -she stabbed me in
the fucking chest. Right on in there. Almost took me to the hospital. See, they
played the Tasing off by saying one of the little kids had found it when I
wouldn't wake up. That's what they told the hospital. Course, I got punished
for needing medical help," he stalled. Talking was easy, enough, now. His only
option, too. He couldn't parade around the halls with threats while he was so
weak. Maybe he could warm her up for when he pretended to be crazy. Because who
wouldn't be driven mad by that? And she just sat right down and listened,
probably thinking he was confiding something special to her or reminiscing
before he would allow her to put her hands on him and move him, before he gave
up.
"Knifes aren't that easy. Any kid can pull back a trigger. No kid is gonna get
up on the table to match my height and stab a four inch blade two inches deep
in my chest. As soon as it went in- I don't think she was expecting it- I was
of course on the floor screaming and crying. That shit hurts, man. And over
some water? When I say they're crazy, I mean they're fucking crazy. My cousin,
probably four or five, gave me her little cup of water when I asked, sitting
hunched down in my dog crate. I wouldn't trust any of them with a pet, so maybe
that's why they got their kids a human. A whole lot more durable. So I asked
her, you know. I said 'Hey, Misty.' They're all fucking rednecks. I said, 'Hey,
Misty, come here.' She stuck her fat little hand through the bars and she
pretends to pet me like I'm a dog. They have a damn dog, over there. The pieces
of shit," he spat, unable to help but get angry. "It's not even like they have
no pets and they want their kids to have something. They have a dog. They went
and actually let the last kid they had in the damn thing out so they could mess
up another: me. Because even the kids are sick and twisted. The cage, I here,
it was my father's. He used to be kept in there, too. Why? I don't know. Maybe
his sibling wanted a pet and maybe his father just wanted to shut him up. They
know it's no fun to be a big boy like me cramped up in there. Yeah, it's fun
when they do it. They can turn and the can walk and they can even stand. They
pretend they're all dogs and cats on the floor while I look on. They make me
bark and growl. It's humiliating. Absolutely. I got a fucking Taser put on me
when I didn't listen. And then it wasn't good enough so I got it put on again
and I just fucking blacked out. I don't remember anything but falling down and
sitting back up. That was the first time. And then the adults bothered to look
it the fuck up and realize that, yeah, that amount of fucking electricity can
be dangerous to a 12 year old's heart. But it didn't stop them. They just took
me to the hospital when it happened again. I fell down and I woke up to a white
ceiling. I was so comfortable. They pretended to be concerned when the doctor
told them it was a wonder my heart hadn't stopped. I was fooled, yes. I thought
when they kissed my forehead and tucked my blanket back in, when they brushed
back my hair and snuck me in sweets for my short stay, that things were
starting to change. I thought that nearly killing something more than a newborn
had woken something up inside and I thought everything was ok. But then my, my-
my aunt for sake of time and complexity, drove me back to my house. I smiled
when she ruffled my hair and left me on the porch to go in. I was expecting to
see everything fine, again. My dad was going to have at least attempted to
clean up a little bit and be waiting with open arms for his little boy
returning from the hospital. But those fake pieces of shit in the hospital gave
me my last bits of affection from a figure like that. From an adult, from
family. Look, I know you read the damn note and put it back. Maybe I was little
slow, my head hurt, but I'm not stupid. I didn't just miss it. It didn't just
reappear. Why you wanted to read it, I have no idea. But I guess now you know
my boyfriend loves me. And he is what I live for. His affections towards me.
Sometimes it's not enough and I attempt suicide, but he's always there to rip
that damned gun from my hands or to shove his own finger down my throat and
force up those pills."
She didn't nod along and she didn't hum and she didn't even shift. Interrupting
wasn't something she would do when he must be going mad to tell her things like
that. It would simply be too rude, too insensitive to ask him to wait a minute
so she could get her cellphone from the room. All she could do was wait for him
to even tire himself out by talking or wait until the bell rang so he would
either move on to his next class or sit in her room while she discretely
contacted authorities, one way or another. He paused after he confessed his
suicidal tendencies. "I can help you inside, now. Or bring a chair out for you
to sit while I call the police. Then you won't ever see those people, again."
"Yeah, but I won't see Brendon, either."
"You don't know that."
He nodded, deciding to use the energy building up again to massage his hips.
"Yeah, I do. And-. What the fuck is going on? Yeah, I got held back fifth
grade, but no one ever asked me where all the bruises and limps came from the
days I decided to come in. Maybe they knew she died and were taking it easy on
me. But come on. Not in sixth grade with that black eye. I'm missing teeth," he
said pushing in on his cheek and further into the gap. You can clearly tell,
can't you? Can you see? I've lost count of how many."
She nodded. "It's pretty obvious."
"Sixth grader's teeth don't just fall out. They don't just have some random
hospital stay. They don't come in fuzzy headed and smelling of alcohol. What,
with bags under their eyes from the stress of and lack of sleep that comes with
taking care of a full grown man? I'm- I'll tell you. My dad was as thin as I am
and healthy. His cheeks weren't hollow and his hair wasn't brittle with his
nails and his stomach didn't pull in this far, but he looked the same as I do,
under clothes. I hope to never find out for sure, but I figure I would be the
same once I have what everyone calls 'the proper fucking weight' on me. But all
kids are a little chubby. All the men on his side, we're svelte but we have
chubby cheeks. I did, too. I guess they thought it was my time to lose the baby
fat while I played too roughly with neighborhood boys. Maybe now it's only
being noticed because tenth graders aren't supposed to be playing like that,
anymore. By now, we have matured at least enough to be satisfied by dirty jokes
and video games instead of pushing one another out of the tallest trees. And we
had our fun doing that. I was the lightest, I always got to the top. But
Brendon was right behind to yank on my leg and send me back to earth. But
nothing ever resulted from that.
"The liquor smell on my breath, under what builds up from being unable to brush
my teeth, is not me acting my age and experimenting. I'm trying to get a drink
of water. The tobacco, if you could even pick it up, and the beginning of a
smoker's cough is me, addicted and now unable to stop. I started when I was
eleven. I'm sick. It's from the ammonia from piss and general stink I'm sure is
filled with bacteria in shit. I'm pretty sure a cat drops by this house full of
rats for an easy meal. I'm sure there's some hole fine enough for her to
squeeze through. Probably many, though cats and rats are the only animals that
have dared enter a human's home. See this rotten smell that is sometimes like a
decaying animal and sometimes just smells like I shit myself, is literally from
shit and decaying animals. Kids, they can't buy rat traps. They won't sell to
you, but one man who fell for it when I said my father was crippled at home and
my mother was forced to leave us for a week long business trip, did. Then I
didn't know what the fuck to do with the rat. I didn't wanna touch it. I didn't
even wanna kick it aside. So, little me, figured, yeah, I already can't see the
floor under a mix of shit, garbage and two people's vomit. Honestly, I've lost
all fucking respect for myself and my home. It has spiraled so far and bad out
of control, that I just toss the latest food wrapper on the floor while I wait
for the dizziness and headache to go away. And then I'd just vomit on top of it
because where the fuck else am I supposed to? I can't push the bathroom door
open, anymore. I've fallen too weak. And this is so fucking embarrassing. I'm
telling you what a pigsty my house is. Though, what would you guess? Looking at
me?
"Truth is, you could consider this a note, if you like. A suicide note. Usually
they're on paper, I would guess. Sorrowful goodbyes and apologies or maybe an
angry letter. Maybe just one or two words. I've thought up them all, over the
years. But that damn Brendon, he's always there for me. Sometimes I wish he
couldn't read me so well. I wish he didn't know all my hiding places in the
woods where I think would be a better place to cut it off than inside that
house. So, you just consider this a note, ok? A little different, but are you
getting the picture? Do you see how lonely this is? How painful it is? I'm not
happy. But I'm pulling through. And I'll keep going along, maybe. But you want
to call the police. How do I stop you? Steal your phone? There's always
another. I'm not going to hit you like he hits me, I would never put myself so
damn low. Remember? When I pushed you? I panicked, a bit, didn't I? And I only
wish not to be called George, because I'm now the third. He's George, too, and
I never want to be like him, how he is, now. Me and Brendon, we're not even
dating yet. But I swear I'm gonna propose and we are going to adopt. Now, I
don't know. He may do it by himself. But we were going to grow up and we were
going to get ourselves a life. Find jobs and get an apartment. Maybe move onto
a house, if we could. All in good time. Then I wanted to get a kid. Maybe one
from China, I don't give a shit. We were going to make that kid happy and call
him Ryan. Get him his very own dog, a real one. No, crate. They tell me I'm
going to be messed up from this. It's gonna fuck with my head if not soon, then
when I get out. Crates, if anything, that's what's gonna do it. We'll train the
damn thing not to need a crate. And I would bathe the boy everyday, like I
would myself. He wouldn't know what it's like to feel dirty like I do. All the
time. To the point where it's torture and I daydream of showers and pray for
rain. I would make sure he was nice and fat. He wouldn't need to feel hunger.
And I wouldn't give him the shit I eat since I can't afford proper food to cook
in a kitchen that is no longer even a kitchen. Then we were going to get a girl
and name her Daniel, after my mother. Maybe Daniel Grace Ross, there's
Brendon's mother. And she was going to have just as nice a time as he. No
smacking that runs through my family line and no fucking degrading anything
that Brendon gets from his father. It was gonna be perfect. Absolutely perfect.
You're just fucking this all up, though. Aren't you? I was supposed to get out
of there alive, but now I don't know."
She sat down lower and looked him up and down, unable to get the image of his
torso out of her head. She could see it past the clothes, see it bend with his
slumped posture. "You don't have to kill yourself just because you're getting
help. I'm going to call the police, they can take you to a foster home, and
then you can live there until you find somewhere to live with your boyfriend."
"I was gonna make him my fiancé," Ryan said sounding smitten. "I know, it
sounds dumb. In high school? You aren't ready. You don't know. But I do. He's
the one. I only hope maybe I wasn't the perfect fit for him, now, so that he
still has that special boy to find and live the rest of his life with, with
their chubby, little Asian babies running around with the dog. I only want him
to be happy. You remember what I'm saying and you tell him all of this. I want
him to be relived when I kill myself, not sad. You make sure he knows none of
this is his fault, because it isn't. It's yours. Tell him I knew I would be
much better off dead than living like this day after wretched day, and even
better dead than without him and my father. I'll be happy. No longer dirty,
really. Free of any skin. I could be just a skeleton. I'd be happy, then.
That's when I'd rest. And I wouldn't even feel hungry. I'm so hungry it hurts.
There have been times I've doubled over with cramps, just from it. Nothing I
could do. Not even like I could go home and decide a half a piece of whole
wheat bread would do me good with some water. I would just say I'm lucky I've
got the anorexia to go along with it. And sometimes this to go along with the
anorexia. I have no choice. I couldn't get better if I tried. See, Brendon, he
always tried to play the therapist. Tries to fix me, himself. Tells me how
wonderful I look in the day. Not that I necessarily think it's that easy to
begin with, but when I go home I have no choice but to carry along. It's a
wonderful excuse. But sometimes, I want to get better. Sometimes, I wish I
could give him just that. A full figured me. A happy me. It would make him
happy, too. To see me eat and then sit on the couch for a cuddle with him
instead of rushing to the bathroom. He would love that. But now I can't give it
to him. Maybe he'll be satisfied with the fact that I'm no longer prisoner to
my hated skin. To my aching joints at only 17 years of age. Nothing will hurt
anymore. Right? He has the songs I've written. He can leave flowers on my
headstone. But-. Oh," he sighed. He was trying to come up with the most
heartfelt things he wanted to do and make sure she knew it was her fault he
couldn't do them. It would guilt her, he hoped, into trusting to leave him to
his own devices.
She heaved a sigh. Six years, he said? "What?" she asked, attention caught by
the silence.
"I really wanted to see my mother's grave one last time." He was honestly
choking up. "That would have been great. We were such a happy family. Me, her,
my dad." He was embarrassed while he sniffled, so weak he didn't think he could
move him arm to wipe his eyes. "I have no idea where she's buried, though. I
was hoping maybe I could catch up with my grandmother one day and ask. Or get
my father real help in a real good facility that could take care of him while I
tried to move on. He could tell me, then. I could visit her and leave her
flowers. She loved it when I picked the flowers she worked hard to plant," he
laughed. "I could do no wrong, in her eyes. And I had the little pot I arranged
them in. Oh, I thought I was so good. I always made sure they were so pretty
for my pretty mommy. I've lost the pot, now. No more flowers grow in our
garden. But I could plant some myself and then pick them. Or I could buy some
professionally arranged for her. I would have visited her all the time. I
haven't seen her since the funeral, but I didn't have flowers for her then." He
blinked down the stubborn tears, getting more and more stubborn when he saw the
teacher crying, too. "I was at very least hoping to get a plot near her. My
father would be with her, already. Then all I would have to do is lay down and
die. Brendon would know where to put me because he would come with me. While
the kids stayed with their grandmother to keep them away from anything too
morbid. But now I guess they'll just have to toss me in the nearest ditch.
Maybe burn me. I'd like to be cremated, too. Sometimes I can't decide. I want
to be with my mother while I want Brendon to have me. Maybe he could have
joined us. Then the kids would follow. All of us, together. At this point,
though, you're taking me away from them both. So I don't really care."
"Ryan, you don't have to kill yourself over this. You're going to be put in an
orphanage where they'll take good care of you. They won't let you not see
Brendon. And there are still chances you could find your grandmother. Or your
father could still get help."
Ryan took in a deep breath before pushing himself upright, again. He worked to
catch his breath while he shook his head. "You don't understand. I get taken
away-. This is exactly what I told Mrs. Lustig, so I want you to listen, ok?
I'm tired."
She nodded, feeling childish under his tone. "Go ahead."
"Right. So in this world, I love two living people. I love my father and I love
Brendon. Oh, and I put on such a show for her yesterday. Waving my arms and
screaming in her face and hissing and pretending to be crazy. But with you-. I
swear, that yesterday will have me exhausted for the month. So now I'm talking
to you and I'm going to be very calm. I was trying to scare the other, you
know. But now I'm tired and I feel like my jaw is going to fall off from
talking your ear off, trying to guilt you and make you think they've made me
mad. Clearly it isn't working. But, so this is it. I love my father, who I take
complete care of. Without me, quite frankly, he would be dead. would have
choked on his own vomit or died from a detox too severe. Then there's Brendon.
Who I love," he said slowly. "I don't know why. I don't know what it is. He's
obviously gorgeous. He's funny. He's really cute, too," Ryan added, tipping his
head finally sat strait. "I could go on," he promised. "I could never stop.
He's just perfect. He saves my life. Constantly. Hasn't even gotten bored,
yet."
She couldn't help the little smile tugging on her lips while he pulled his
knees up to rest his chin on, holding a face with a dreamy expression. "Right,"
she said.
He quickly cleared his throat and sat back, again. "Yeah. So basically, you
kill me and yourself if you call the cops. Remember when I said I was trying to
make you think I was crazy? Now, Brendon says this part is where I really am
crazy, but I just don't see it. It's the part where I kill you and your
family."
"What?"
He lifted his eyebrows and tipped his head. "I mean, I think it's normal. You
take away what I love, my whole entire life. What I live for. My joy-."
"You just said you hated it."
"Sometimes," he admitted. "I hate the extension of my father's family. See,
there's him, who only requires I call him sir instead of dad and that I keep
quiet. He basically just beats me when he sees me. He's grown some hate. I
don't know where the fuck it came from as he loved me the day before the first
drink, but whatever. It's there. All I have to do it keep quiet and out of his
way while providing for him everything he needs. But the part where he doesn't
let me eat- and of course the beating me- come from his family. He moved in
with my mother as soon as he could get out I here. But he doesn't know how old
he is or was when that happened. He hated his family. Still does, when he tries
to be sober on Sundays. He was abused, too. He's got that, what is it? That
trauma thing. He screams when he sleeps while he isn't drinking. Very angry, it
think it's actually from that. You know. They had him in a cage, as well. I
wouldn't say too much different from how they treat me. Now, why he was picked
among all of his siblings, I have no idea. I figure I'm stuck with it today
because I'm her son. They hated him before she came along and after. But once I
came, it was all on me. Never even her. But, now we never saw his family. Why
would we? He hates them. She hates them. I didn't know them. But then she died
and they found out. They literally came to my house and kidnapped my father and
I. All of 'em live together. He's the only one that moved out. And it's the
same house it's always been. So, now, we went over and it was only two weeks
after she died. I was eleven," he sighed, giving her time to mumble a 'sorry'.
He acknowledged it with a nod. "He didn't work, not that I could ever remember.
They messed him up mentally and physically. But he always stayed home to watch
me while my mother was still out. So, naturally, he grieved with me at home all
since it happened. My father never drank. I showed up with my messy but clean
hair, I had my glasses on a little lopsided and my t shirt was un-tucked. My
face was red and stained with tears, but I was clean. My father walked in in
his usual suit. I can remember his sister, my Aunt Amber and the strictest,
worst of them all, reprimand him for how I came in. Sniffling and with a shoe
untied. That's despicable. But anyway, he just squeezed my shoulder and pulled
me in tighter. He held my hand and they glared at me. Even the little boy, two
at the time, now eight, followed suit. The dog growled at my feet and my dad
pulled me aside when he saw I was scared. I could tell he didn't want to be
there, either. But he accepted the beer they gave him. Here's where I say I've
seen some pretty fucked up shit.
"We walked in and among this group of people, lying helplessly on the ground in
front of steps, was a boy. I by no means had it the worst of us three. I have
it the easiest. This boy responds to being called 'the dog' or 'thing.' That's
it. We walked in and they asked my father, 'Remember baby George?' This is
where it gets fucked up. There laid a boy who must have been prepubescent. He
laid naked. My father told me the story, ok? Because this boy will never be
able to tell another person a story. When my father was there, his sister had a
boy. They kept this boy. He was born in the house and never left. Not to this
day has he ever seen outside. He was maybe two or three when my father left.
The nicest baby you'd ever meet. His name was George. My father's name is
George, as was his father's. This is before I was alive, too. This little boy
never stopped smiling or laughing or playing in his own little world. He could
talk such great English and he could walk. He could run so fast. Not baby fast.
He could move. Skip forward however many years. He lays on the ground caked
literally in his own shit. His legs, there's something wrong with his legs. He
cannot walk. At first I thought he was paralyzed, but he uses his legs as if
they are one and he uses them efficiently. He talks in a language he made up. I
don't even know where the fuck he got it from. He was put into a small cage
when he was two and came out when they had kidnapped me the first time. He
never came out. Not to use the bathroom, not for exercise, not to eat. Now he
is blissfully dumb. Doesn't have a clue of what is going on around him. He
stays in his room, mostly. Cage free. He gets fed dog food once a day, when he
asks. He gets to pick when. He gets water, now. He drags himself on the floor
and falls down the steps whenever he comes for his food. They keep him in the
attic, the one who can't walk. My father was not kept in the cage like that. He
could get out when they let him, which was rare, but still. He used the proper
bathroom at night. he was also given dog food. I am given dog food. But, now my
dad, he's a lot more slack than them. Less evil and more brutal. At my mother's
family's house, you could do whatever you wanted. It was great. Nobody cared
when you just left to go get a drink whether it was water or milk. If there was
a tray of food on the counter you could just take what you wanted and carry on.
Maybe go to the next. My grandma would make me eat, even, if I wasn't already.
The way I see it, now, they're all mad. That's a mad house when you just let
everyone do what they want. Especially me. At this woman's house, I followed
the example of the two-now-eight year old and tried to take a little food off
the counter. But my hand was slapped before my face and I was pushed back. My
dad tried to pull me away when my aunt called me greedy, fat, a pig. Just rude.
He couldn't shout back at her, she was in his nightmares. I don't think he
could take me away, either. That would be disobeying. He had to wait until they
dismissed us. He just fell back into his routine when he lived there, probably
waiting for his father around the corner who had the belt in his hand. I didn't
know that at the time. So, as we were sitting, my self esteem already shit and
now ruined after I tried to take food. I was humiliated. But, we were sitting
and I was thirsty. So, not knowing my dad was as scared as I was uncomfortable
and sad, I tugged on his elbow. He flinched and turned to look at me wide eyed,
not moving his folded hands sitting on the table top. He wouldn't eat, though
he could. I asked him for water, but before I could find out what his response
would be, my uncle yanked my shirt and pulled me back rough. He told me I
didn't deserve even water, not when I came from her and him."
She knew he was stalling, now. But she didn't mind. Past all the urges pushing
her to cover her ears so she wouldn't need to hear the sickening stories, she
was intrigued. She could always just call, next period. And that was her plan.
He took in a deep breath, now second guessing his plan. He should have toughed
it out and pinned her to the floor when he had the chance. Now he was stuck.
"So," he kept on going. "That's what it was like over there. I didn't know what
was going on when they teased my father, saying they should get the crate down
from the attic and stick me in it. When they laughed while they told him his
younger brother was a police officer, now, and had his gun and his Taser and
his mace in just the next room. It was scary seeing your own father, who you
know to be fun. Who smiled everyday and played with you despite his aches, on
the ground. It was scary to see him terrified. He was rim-rod strait and
silent, hanging his head when they spoke to him. Looking only at his lap and
ignoring them when they offered him his dinner plate. Now I've learned to do
the same. All because of them, though, not him. At home it's different. No
rules. I can do what I like. You know I slept for a week in the woods until
winter came. I could try and get water. I could roam around the house. We don't
own a crate or a Taser. Only a gun and a knife. The gun is something to scare
me and the knife is for discipline. He tried to have the same rules as them,
but he doesn't. He's seen me drinking his vodka in the fridge, before, grunted,
and walked away. I get stuck in this tiny fucking closet if I'm bad and come
out the next time he's sober. Or, well he's never sober. The next time he's
more with it. But I'm only bad when I wake him up or when I come inside or when
he ran out of drink. Generally? I think he hates my guts. And I think it's
honestly because I'm like her. He misses her too badly. I think there might be
a likeness between us that he just can't stand. I know I don't look like her.
It's hard to remember, but I talk like her. And I mean, like," he laughed.
"Like my mom was this great woman. Beautiful, gentle. She didn't swear like a
bitter sailor. I hold myself like her. Womanly, maybe. Maybe that's more why
he's mad. Being gay is a ginormous no-no."
"I saw the picture," she said, nodding. "When it fell from your pocket? She is
beautiful."
He inclined his head back. "She says I was a boy version. But, anyway. There
are the differences. Now, I couldn't give a shit if they all dropped dead right
this instant and moved on to burn in hell for eternity. Or maybe I would. I
would be grateful. But him? Not him, please not him. He's my father. When he
can manage a sober hour or two for our Sunday dinner, he... He's my dad. He
kisses my head and he tells me my hair is a literal rats nest while I tease him
for getting fat and not seeing the light of day in years. We have fun. We order
pizza with what money is left and he lets up on the one rule that wriggled into
his house to let me eat with him. We were religious, I guess, before. And his
family is, like, hardcore religious. So either way, he wouldn't hit me on
Sundays when he knows what day it is. He tries his best not to drink, then, but
I can't blame him when the headaches get too bad and the shakes are too
unbearable. He takes his pills when he remembers, and I take them when I want
it to be over. I don't like his family, but I like him. And like I told my
English teacher, there are three ways out of this situation. A: you leave me
the fuck alone and my father, too. You let me carry on because I know I can.
Basically you just won't be selfish in wanting to be the one who reports the
abuse and instead leave it to go unnoticed until it's over. When Brendon and I
can move away. B: you send police to my house, prompting my father to get the
gun and put a bullet in my head, in front of watching CPS workers trying to
'rescue' me, and then to put one in his own. Or of course let's say I make it
out of there. Then I am taken to a children's home where I am fed and bathed
and 'loved', as if anyone could love me other than the two people who already
do, one of which, actually, doesn't know something big about me. Brendon, see-.
I'm not telling you, but I'll tell you there's something even worse lurking in
my past and-. But, anyway. And of course I know your name. I can find you, it
won't be hard. I then gather you and your husband and your children and-
depending on my mood- I could either kill one kid in front of you and everyone
else, and then you. I go or turn myself in, I don't really care. Or I could
pick you off one by one. The youngest kid to the oldest, then the partner, then
you and then myself. Or, maybe, before I even kill myself I could kill Brendon.
Would you like that? Ben, too. From this class because he such an asshole.
Maybe that girl that sits next to me because she wrinkles her nose so I can see
it and scoots away loudly. Then myself. Do you hear this? Listen to me, don't
cry. I'm not yelling and I'm not going to. No, don't cry. I don't know why
you're so upset. All this is easily avoidable."
"You just threatened to kill me and my family! I'm gonna cry."
"Don't," he said just as softly as he had been talking. "No, it's ok. Really.
Let me give you the third and final option just so you're aware. The third
option is-. Well here, I'm not strait. I'm pansexual. That's a no-no. But it's
also not a choice as I'm sure you've heard over and over and over again. So,
not that you would, you wouldn't benefit anything from this. But don't you dare
tell a single soul that I am queer or that Brendon Urie is queer. Got it?" he
asked. She had started to quiet back down and nodded behind her hands drying
her face. "Because then there is the smallest possibility that word spreads and
Brendon feels the need to formally out himself to his mother. Then-. Oh, he's
such a baby when it comes to his mom. She asks him what we do in her house and
he confesses that we do mature things in his bed. And then she could get angry
and decide my father needs to know. So he decides I need to be dead. Now, if I
were to somehow make it alive form there, the same fate would come to you as
with the second option. Honestly, whether it's you that causes it or not. I
would just be angry and probably kill you, anyway. Again, your family, too. Not
Brendon, this time, though. Not him. I would still kill some random kids,
probably. Anybody I saw. And I know this is upsetting you, but I'm just being
honest."
She nodded. "Ok."
"Which do you choose?"
She hesitated for only a moment before saying, "The first. I won't tell."
"Oh, good!" he said, sounding delighted. "That was what I was hoping for. I
would have picked that one, too. Now we all get to live happily ever after. You
don't die. Your kids don't die. Your husband doesn't die. You don't even need
to have a bad conscious. Because I'm telling you now that I like this. I want
this. To live this way and to take care of him until Brendon and I can be open
and alone. I'm thanking you for picking this. Mrs. Lustig wasn't this easy. She
isn't as smart as you. I think I'm perfecting my technique. With her I was
pushing her and begging and talking about how much I love my father and
Brendon. But I think now telling stories is the way to go. Hopefully I won't
need it again, but thank you. Now I know what to do, I think."
"How often do you see your further family?" she asked before she was going to
suggest they go back inside. "Not a lot?"
"No, a lot," he said, nodding while he tried to sit. "Quite a bit. I think I'll
be there, tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?"
"Yeah." he sighed. "My aunt usually picks me up whenever she feels like. They
don't live too far and it's unusual I miss them for a weekend. They don't like
me in their home on Sundays, though. I'll be picked up, today. Soon after
school so I can stay in the crate or outside or, you know, whatever. And they
like to take me off my poor father's hands so they have something to play with.
I think they like him, now. Now that he's rejoined them and drinks like they do
and they have someone to replace him. So... I'll be fine, though. Like always.
If they were going to have gotten me, they would have already."
She nodded and started to stand. "Let me help you up. Can you at least walk?"
He shook his head and waved her away. "I can do it," he groaned while he felt
around for the door handle. He pushed her arms off in reaction to see something
foreign coming close, before she could press on his side and irritate his
injuries with well meaning.
She held back and waited for him to fall back to the ground, unable to help
himself anymore and out of breath. "Here," she said and offered her hands
forward. His dwarfed hers, but he still took them after only a moment's
contemplation. She had just started to pull him up when he moaned, clearly in
pain, and so she let go.
Ryan leaned heavily against the door and tried to catch his breath. "No, just
keep going," he said between breaths, knowing it was her who slowly let him
back to the ground as a response to his pain instead of just dropping him when
he was too heavy.
"Are you sure?"
"It's gonna hurt no matter what. Now, please," he asked, out of breath with
trembling arms reaching forward for her to take. He groaned just the same and
worse as he kept going, but she kept walking back until he found his feet. "I
need water," he said, still breathless and was only half sure he got a nod
before walking off.
She waited for him at the door and watched him try to get a drink. The fountain
was so small, she was even taller than it. But it was tall enough that sitting
on his knees took it out of reach and so he had to lower himself down by
wedging in the nook the fountain was nestled in in the wall. He spent the rest
of the five minutes in the period drinking and catching his breath to keep
drinking.
_____________
In English, Mrs. Lustig set a bottle of water down on his desk while no one
else was looking. He drank it all, some even went with the sandwich she had
brought him. Ryan promised himself that he wouldn't take anything on Monday. He
would tell her that his father had maybe smelt something on his breath and
punished him for it. But one more day couldn't hurt. Another cup of yogurt,
baggie of crackers, and banana was given to him. With water already taking up
some room, he had to leave a few crackers. She had drug a desk out, like she
might if a student were to take a test, but he sat down to eat. And he ate more
slowly, too. He also stood easily, unlike the day before, when he might as well
just say she picked him up with the effort, or lack thereof, that he gave. He
thanked her with reddened cheeks when he was finished and shook her hand. "I
really can't ask you to bring in anymore than you already have," he said,
hoping she wouldn't even bother to tease him on Monday. "I really, really do
appreciate it, but I've been going on the same routine for six years, I'm not
being hurt anymore than I always have been." "No," she said, though. He wished
she would just stop. Because now he was going to have to look at the same, big
lunch he wouldn't mind having fill his stomach again and say no thank you. "It
really is no problem. If you won't let me call the CPS, at least let me feed
you, ok? Really, I don't mind at all."
_________
Ryan got home and hardly noticed the bus was following another tinted car, a
different one, until he was dropped off and the car waited for him to enter the
court. He was being followed, which meant his friends were, too, he was walking
with them. And that meant Brendon was. He didn't fear for Jon or Spencer. They
were stronger and lived much closer to the bus stop, him being the closest,
than Brendon did. And Brendon had said he was feeling a little sick that day.
"I'm gonna walk you home," he muttered, watching the car, just as they would
have split, him and Brendon.
"Gaaaay," Spencer groaned.
"No," Ryan, said, stopping. "There was a fucking tinted car outside my house
this morning with two people sitting up in it, watching me. Look, it's still
there. Been there all day."
"How would you know if it was tinted?"
"I could obviously tell or I wouldn't have said it, you jackass."
"Walk me home!" Jon cried. "Ryan, I'm scared. Walk me home!"
Ryan, the only facing the street and the car that had found a parking space
where it didn't belong, hardly cared about the teasing. "Shut up," he spat when
his distracted brain processed what Jon was saying. "You two are stronger and
live right there."
"Hey," Brendon whined, hardly even caring. His stomach was aching and he had to
pee again and he was exhausted. "I want to be stronger."
Ryan rolled his eyes. "Just go, ok? I want to see if it's following me," he
mumbled. The car was still running in its spot. Maybe it was trying to trick
him, make it seem like it would go without him. But it didn't. Jon and Spencer
walked right in front of it, making Brendon call to them, "What are you?
Stupid? Why the fuck would you do that?" when Jon had even grazed its bumper
with his hip.
Ryan put his hand on Brendon's shoulder blades and started to guide him away.
The car staid put until he got halfway to Brendon's house, halfway across the
court. It caught up to him once he had gotten Brendon safely to his door.
"Why don't you come inside, alright?" Brendon asked, hanging onto his own book
bag straps. "It's freaking me out, baby."
Ryan shook his head and looked to see the window was rolling down. "No, no I'm
sure it's just... I would have been abducted by now, they had me alone this
morning. And when have you ever heard of a group like that working together?"
"Hey!" Ryan snapped his head over when the man from the tinted car called to
him. Brendon got behind him and wrapped his arms around Ryan's hips and poked
his head past Ryan's side to watch. "Yes, sir?" Ryan called back. He would say
sir, but he wouldn't get closer.
"You live here, boy?" the man asked, leaning on the steering wheel. He had a
blue button down on, from what Ryan could tell, and thick, jet black hair.
Brendon started trying to drag Ryan back, inside. "Come on, babe," he groaned
when Ryan pulled away and answered the man. "Yeah," he said. "Yes, sir."
"What do you want?" Brendon shouted, taking Ryan's hand and refusing to let go
or to stop tugging him back. "Can we help you?"
"Yeah, um, you know this town? How do I get to the closest grocer?"
Ryan nodded and continued trying to pull his hand away. "Get the fuck outa this
development filled with small children with your creepy ass stalker car and
take a fucking left till you see it, you fuck."
"Thank you!" The window rolled up and the car left.
Brendon hit Ryan on his arm and ignored the wince. "Don't be rude and don't
talk to strangers."
Ryan smiled and leaned down to press a kiss to Brendon's closed lips. "Ok, my
love. I'll see you tomorrow?"
Brendon shook his head. "No, you idiot. I told you my mom freaked out and
grounded me for no reason, already."
He rolled his eyes and pressed him another kiss. "Alright, my dear. I'll see
you Monday."
"Mm-hm. Eat on Sunday, ok? Keep it all down and be careful alright?"
"How about you sit with me on your bench till your mommy comes home, ok? He's
been grumpy lately."
"You mean normal?" Brendon snapped and plopped down onto his bench.
"Ooh," Ryan went playfully. "What has gotten into you?"
Brendon glared at him. "You could've been ok. I could've and I should have
given you away and you wouldn't have to worry about going inside your own damn
house anymore."
Ryan put his arm around Brendon and pulled his shoulders over to kiss his head.
"I'm not worried, my dear."
Brendon rolled his eyes angrily and shoved somewhat playfully into Ryan. It
didn't take long for him to catch a different colored car, with tinted windows,
only drive around the court. But it circled back and parked in a free spot.
Ryan quickly pulled his arm from around Brendon and slid away. "Hello, sir, can
I help you?" he asked, taking the lead when a man in a green t shirt and jeans
walked up to them with some pamphlets in his hand.
"Do you live here?" he asked.
Ryan shook his head. "Not this particular house, no."
"I do."
Ryan furrowed his eyes at B. "Don't tell him that, babe," he scolded. Brendon
only shrugged his shoulders. "Strangers."
The man smiled, playing someone friendly, someone new. "Oh do you?" he asked
and handed him a pamphlet. "Hi, I'm Josh Retter," 'Josh' said.
"Brendon," B said confidently and shook the man's hand.
"It's nice to meet you. I just-. Sorry. I'm new. I'm helping out with a new
census. Maybe you two could look at these question?. I just saw you two outside
so I thought why not start here than with doors?"
"These are from 2001," Ryan grunted, looking at the very back, the bottom. He
looked to Josh for an explanation. "New?"
Josh swallowed his lips and found the date. The census wasn't real and never
would be. It was only used for cases like these. "Recycling?"
Brendon found the date, too. "Maybe it's just, like... Yeah, recycling."
Josh shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know why it would say that. I don't know what it
means, certainly not the date printed. These are from just yesterday. But,
yeah, sorry. I just-. I'm not great at being too social even enough to-. This
is freaking me out but I have to take these around so I, I drove by once I was
like, 'Yeah, I don't know' but I decided to give it a shot before I got in
trouble. But, yeah, I just moved here. A little lost without everyone I already
know."
"Oh. Where'd you move from?"
"Arizona, actually."
"Why?" Ryan asked. "Why would you move here?"
"Ryan," Brendon gasped and smacked him in the ribs only lightly, but anything
was enough to make him grab the spot and wince. "He just moved here, don't be
mean. Show him people here are nice."
Ryan scrubbed his face. "Do you honestly believe that?"
"I- I came to be with my girlfriend, actually. She came to be with her mother
who's, you, know, not doing too well." He had the act very well planned out, by
now.
"Aww," Brendon sighed. "I'm sorry."
He smiled weakly and nodded. "Yeah, thank you."
"So why's your car tinted?" Ryan asked. playing with the pamphlet, hitting his
knee with it as it sat crossed over his other leg. "That isn't allowed."
"Oh, yeah. Prescription, actually," he said, pointing to his eyes. "Of course I
forgot my glasses, they're the kind that get dark when it's bright. But that's
ok, so long as I have my car tinted I'll be ok. That's what's important."
Brendon smiled. He liked this Josh, he was nice. "Well I hope you like it out
here," Brendon offered. "I do."
"No, yeah. Totally. I just-. What's your name, now?" he asked Ryan and lifted
his clipboard. "I'm just gonna take them down, if you don't mind."
Ryan eyed him up and down. "My name is George, sir. George Ross. It's nice to
meet you."
Josh seemed to nervously toss the board over to one hand so he could hurriedly
shake Ryan's hand. "Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you. Um, sorry, don't mean to
sound like a predator, but where do you live? I don't wanna hit the same house
twice, I'm awkward enough as it is."
Ryan smiled politely and pointed across the court. "Over there. What's it? With
the 204 above the porch," he said as he often had to redirect delivery boys or
postage men, they could hardly ever find the numbers. "And, yeah, don't knock."
"No?" he asked, curious and worried sounding "Why not?"
Ryan smiled again. "Oh, you know. my father doesn't like visitors, 'specially
when I'm not there to answer the door. I'll make sure I give him this pamphlet,
though."
"He pretty shy?"
Ryan shrugged. "Yeah, I guess he is."
"So, em. Why aren't you with him? What if someone knocks there while you're
here?"
"He can get pretty annoying," Ryan decided. "So, hopefully no one does and he
won't be angry with me when I get back in. But he probably will be, anyway.
He's always mad at me."
"Oh," he sighed. "Well that isn't cool. What about your mother?"
"Dead."
"Sorry."
Brendon scoot closer and put his hand on Ryan's chest, making him jump and grab
his wrist. "You should go back, now," he said. "I don't feel good, I want to
lie down and if you're going to go back at all you should do it sooner than
later so he won't be AS mad."
Ryan shook his head. He let go of Brendon to find his jet black hair to pet
instead. "I'll go before it gets too late, ok? Just let me rest a minute. Maybe
I'll even just wait outside for Amber to pick me up. Would that make you feel
better?"
Tentatively, Brendon nodded and sat back.
Josh looked awkward. "What's he, hit you, or something?"
Ryan scoffed and let his fingers trace over his big bruise.
Josh saw it and stepped forward to look. Ryan didn't seem very unwilling to
show him. He didn't try to hide it. "Are you ok?"
Ryan nodded. "No, yeah. He doesn't hit me, alright? I was playing fucking
baseball with my friends and they think they're real funny."
"You should get some new friends," he said, a laugh in his voice. "They seem
pretty mean."
He shrugged. "Can be. It was cool, though. We were all fucking with each
other."
Their big white minivan caught Brendon's eye. "My mom's here."
Ryan looked to see and let out a groan. "Please don't go. I'm tired, I don't
want to hear his bitching and she'll probably come late with my luck."
Grace smiled at the man on her porch. "Hello, can I help you?"
"Hi, I'm Josh Retter. Just handing out some pamphlets for a census."
Really creeped out, she nodded. "Grace. It's nice to meet you."
Brendon hung his head when she turned to him. "You should be inside," she
snapped. "You're grounded, Brendon." He stood and slinked to the door, not
going to argue.
Ryan left with that, too. "Yeah, my aunt's gonna be here," he mumbled to the
adults and hurried off.
The Josh waited for the door to close all the way and for Ryan to be out of ear
shot. "So, um, my name isn't Josh. I can't tell you what it is, however. I'm an
undercover, uh, spy for the CPS."
Grace nodded, glad to hear he was actually for a child protective service and
not trying to abduct her son and his friend. He showed her his proof, his badge
and his card. "What's this about, then?"
"The boy who was sitting here with your son. We've gotten a report that he's
being abused at home. Um, said he gets hit, he gets cut up, he isn't fed but on
Sundays. You know, sadly, the regular. And actually, a patrol car on the other
side of this court got a recording of the father actually coming outside and
attacking him with what looked like a glass bottle before the boy ran away. His
father, we hear, is an alcoholic. And so we're out here trying to figure things
out. The reporter said Ryan doesn't want to go, that he loves his father and
would never just come with us. We're trying to see when and where we see him
around, if we can spot the father. So I just need to know if you have any
information on the either of them."
Grace shook her head. "No, no. I would never even guess that something like
that was happening to him. Are you sure you've got the right boy?"
He nodded. "By the description. His clothes, his height, his hair. His bruise
on his neck."
"I never saw any bruise."
The man nodded. "I'm not sure how old it is, ma'am, but I did just see it. He
has the right name and address that the caller told us. The caller had said
that he ended up telling them everything in the hallway, I think the caller was
one of his teachers. The caller said he was just down the nurse and the
guidance counselor, but that he had lied through that and when she asked what
was going on, something twisted and he ended up being caught, so he just fessed
up easily. Now, the caller said that he had said he only had his father and his
boyfriend, whoever that is, and that he was planning on finishing high school
and moving somewhere, even if they ended up being homeless, with the boyfriend
after he's passed his dad onto someone who could take care of him. So he isn't
going to be willing to come along if I were to tell him I was going to help him
out. Um, caller has also said that he threatened to kill them if they would
call us. Caller said George, going by Ryan, promised to stab caller, bash
caller's head in and kill one of caller's son's in front of caller's other sons
and husband. Caller said he was crazy, clearly. That he was going to wait until
his new home helped him to gain the proper weight back and until he was strong
enough to, you know, kill caller. But then we don't outright believe anything
to be 100 percent true. Caller could be lying, everything could be ok and this
Ryan could just be a little dirty and honestly just have a bruise from some
friends playing baseball with him. But I'm telling you all this, wondering if
maybe you know anything. I'll say Ryan and your son are friends, so maybe he'll
know the boyfriend and where we can find him. The caller did say that Ryan told
her his boyfriend was all for ratting him out. But, now, we've also heared that
Ryan expects to be shot and killed should his father find out CPS was trying to
help him or that he is interested in the same sex. So, it would be great if you
could ask your son even right now, but only if you can trust him not to spread
word of either of those things to anyone at all."
She nodded along and bit her tongue until he was finished. "My son is actually
his boyfriend, but he hasn't come out of the closet to me. I found out by
mistake, so I'm not really supposed to know. So you, know, don't tell him you
know. But I'll go get him right now."
"Great, yeah. Thank you."
Brendon smiled at the Josh man when he was called by his mom to come back and
talk. "Yeah?"
Grace brushed back his bangs. She truly hoped she wasn't about to tell him any
news. "This man is actually from CPS, ok? He says someone called in and told
them that Ryan's father hits him. Can you tell him anything?"
Brendon shook his head immediately. "No, not at all. His dad hits him?"
Grace kept running her fingers through his hair. "Are you sure you don't know
anything?"
Brendon nodded. "Are, are you sure it's Ryan you're looking for? His dad
doesn't hit him."
"So what do you say the bruise was from?"
Brendon had his life in mind. He knew Ryan would kill him if he found out he
had helped the child protective services find him. "We were all playing
baseball and Spencer had the ball. We were just messing around and he clearly
didn't realize he was actually hurting him. He just thought Ryan was playing
around, too, joking with him."
"You were there when that happened?"
"Yeah, sort of. I was talking to Jon, our other friend, while he was doing it,
though. The game was kind of over. Me and Spencer won."
"How often do you guys hurt each other?"
Brendon shrugged. "Never to that extent. I mean, we push each other around, but
other than that, the last time anyone got hurt was when Jon shoved me and I
tripped over the bump in the sidewalk. I scraped my knee but he got me a
bandage and my mom kissed it, too, when I went inside. I didn't cry though, not
until I was in."
Grace smiled almost apologetically at the man who was smiling at Brendon.
"Ok, that's good. That sounds nice. So you wouldn't know anything? Not if
Ryan's dad hits him at all, even a little, If he feeds him?"
"I wouldn't know if he did or doesn't. I mean-. I wouldn't say he hits him. I
don't live with him, though, but I wouldn't guess he does. Ryan really loves
his dad and his dad really loves him. And yeah, of course he feeds him."
"Ok. Now, you know you can't say anything about this next question, don't
unless Ryan specifically tells you, you can. But the caller- and I'm not saying
we know the caller was being truthful about any of the allegations they made-
said that Ryan has a boyfriend. I just need to know if you might know who the
boyfriend is, so we can get more information from him."
Brendon shrugged and shrunk.
"You don't know?"
He found his mother to hide behind and held her like he held Ryan, with his
arms around her waist. "Me."
"You?"
"Maybe."
"Ok, well the reporter said that Ryan told them he has a boyfriend he loves
very dearly, so maybe he'd know something and be willing to help."
"I still don't know anything."
"Now you can trust me, alright? Everything is completely confidential. So, with
that, can you tell me if you're only saying you don't know anything because
maybe Ryan has threatened to do something to you. Maybe kill you or anything
otherwise?"
Brendon shook his head with a nervous smile on his lips. "No, not at all. He's
never threatened me."
"You sure?"
"Positive."
"One more thing, then. Do you know what his father looks like? Can you describe
him for me?"
Brendon shrugged. "Very usual. White, as tall as Ryan, heavy, pretty heavy...
Um, his hair's getting kinda long. Ryan wasn't lying when he said his dad was
shy, he hasn't come out in nearly six years, now. So he's a recluse, I highly
doubt you'll see him when you drive around. Oh, and they look exactly the same
except for that his dad's got some scars. He's got a slash cutting his face, a
hole n his cheek, and burns along his jaw along with some other smaller scars.
Um, I guess that's it."
"Alright," he said and shook Brendon's hand. "I just ask that you don't reveal
the purpose of the tinted cars that'll be following your friend around a while,
while we sort things out, ok? It's important he doesn't know anything. And I
know they look a little creepy, but you can tell it's CPS if it has the thin
red stripe at the bottom of both plates, ok? If you don't see that then you
need get back inside and lock your doors."
Brendon smiled and nodded. Trusting and knowing they would play along, he even
gave Josh Jon and Spencer's doors, when he asked. They both knew it was Spencer
who put the bruise there. It was always Spencer, always the same story of him
not realizing Ryan wasn't playing along when he told him to stop. It had been
since fifth grade.
"Mom, I'm gay," Brendon said, just to come out more formally.
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah," he said, sounding quiet and unsure. He couldn't place why she sounded
so mad. It wasn't even like his grandmother was still there. She had left early
do to another emergency at her house. She was always leaving early.
"Good, because now I get to fucking yell at you, mister. Do you know what you
did?"
Brendon's mouth was open slightly in his disbelief. "You always told me it
would be ok," he said, voice high and getting frantic.
"It is," she shot back. "But guess what happened Tuesday? I came home early!
And my god, Brendon. Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?
I mean, seriously, B!"
His jaw had really fallen on the ground at that. "Mom."
"Why would you do that?" she screamed. "What is wrong with you? You're sixteen,
Brendon. You don't need that! Oh, you're lucky you never told me, before, or
you and Ryan both would have been in the hospital."
"But, Mom," he cried.
"Don't you but, Mom, me. Do you know what you did? Do you even understand? Why,
Brendon? Why would you do that? Why?"
He put up his hand to her and stomped off to his room, shutting the door as
quickly as he could and locking it to protect himself from her knocking like
she wanted the door destroyed."
"And you have a doctor's appointment this Sunday, you disrespectful, ungrateful
brat!"
***** Friday *****
Chapter Summary
     WARNING: There is the death of a child in this, and a child as in a
     newborn baby. A character kills it and you read the whole thing. Not
     very descriptive, but it's there. I put a line of * right before it
     starts. ???? Idk i just felt like i should. Also, there are two
     impersonations of a person with brain damage, caused by an accident.
     I wouldn't call it offensive, but I don;t know your view on things.
     And this chapter, as well as the next one or two (there will be more
     warnings) show some horrible living conditions are terrible metal and
     physical child abuse. Please don't read if you think it upset you too
     strongly. Oh! and there's molestation.
Ryan hurried past his father, snoring loudly in the chair to get to the door
before the bell could disturb him. He knew his aunt knew she could piss off her
brother if she kept ringing, and then get Ryan in trouble, in turn.
He opened the door and inclined his head deep, even bowing to her only to
straiten back up and see the corner of her thin lips turn up. He was surprised
to see Norma. She slammed the screen door shut, or tried, while he was in it
and making sure the door was closed well enough. He didn't have a key, but
wasn't exactly afraid of anyone coming to steal his father or his nonexistent
property, anyway.
He saw the tinted car sitting in it's same spot, windows still tinted past any
possibility of really seeing in but for maybe a stray shadow. He forgot about
it quickly, not thinking anymore of it, now that he couldn't see anyone, than
it just being a car that shouldn't be tinted. It wasn't uncommon. Only getting
in his aunts car quickly concerned him, so she wouldn't get angry. His seat was
the one with the dirty towel laid messily over top.
"We all missed you so much!" Norma sneered.
Ryan hunched his shoulders over and hung his head low. "Yes, miss."
"Misty wants her doggy back! And she's excited to play horsies again. Aren't
you?"
"Yes, ma'am."
She laughed. "Oh, yeah, I know you are. And the thing's been in a bit of a bad
mood, lately. I think it'll be ready to take out all its anger when you get
there."
He nodded, incase she was looking, too. "Yes, ma'am." He knew the boy was
rarely ever in a bad mood, but when he was, things could get ugly.
"Yeah, I'll bet," she spat. "You know, Ryan, it wouldn't have to be like this
if you weren't such a disrespectful brat. You bring all this upon yourself,
really."
He nodded again. "I know, miss. I'm sorry."
She moaned. Not an annoyed moan, not an angry one. She moaned.
He lifted his eyes first, to see she was watching the road, before he could
bring up his head and look oddly at her. He, not for any reason, turned and saw
a very suspicious tinted car following along behind them.
________
It was hard to not outwardly glare when he stepped in to see his youngest,
second most brutal cousin squeal when he walked in. She was three, named Misty,
and the most interested in him. She made him pretend to be an actual dog.
Making him bark and feeding him dog food when sitting in the cage was not good
enough. She had a stick that she could spend days stepping back and rushing
forward to ram it into him. All the other kids played occasionally, but he
seemed to be her favorite toy. And she only viewed him as toy. Just something
she got to play with that was cool because it was alive and reacted. Her
plastic Barbie dolls and toy animals weren't as fun, he assumed. Not when he
actually ate the food and really barked and really, though he was forced,
pressed up against the cage when she wanted to pet him, and cowered back when
she told him he was bad. Apparently the really real, big brindle pit bull
wasn't good enough. Maybe it was because he couldn't get bored and walk away or
get angry and snap teeth at her.
"Doggy!"
"Now, be patient, Misty," Amber said. She turned to see Ryan and bounced the
crying baby in her arms.
"No," he said. "No, please, miss. I'll do anything. I-."
"Shut up, you piece of shit!" she roared, making the baby scream along with its
twin. "Who ever gave you the right to talk? Do you think you can just do that
to me?"
"No, miss. I'm sorry," he said in a bow to her. "Very sorry, miss. I'll-."
"Shut up! Now get in your crate until Jack gets here so he can watch. He's been
waiting nine months for this and you won't be ruining this for anybody."
"Yes, ma'am."
The thing came tumbling down the steps when he heard shouting. His head was
aching and he was running low on glue. Nobody would replenish his stocks, and
he hadn't even been eating for the past three days. He wore a scowl while he
stomped over to look up at one of them and close his eyes. He tapped his lips,
but they didn't move to get him his food. They didn't hit him this time,
either, but he was still hungry.
"Get him," Amber quickly shouted and pointed urgently to Ryan. "Take him out
back, quickly. Move!" She was frantic when the door bell rang, and then the
impatient visitors knocked. Jack would not do that. "Quick! Um, the dog's got
brain damage. Do you here, me?"
"Yes, Amber! Shut up! We can all hear you."
Ryan was shoved through the door first, before his uncle, Earl could join him.
"You're not with it, boy, you hear me?"
"Yes, sir."
Melody smiled at the two men she opened the door to. One was a police officer,
and one was a man in a yellow shirt that said 'CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES' in
blue stitching across his left chest. "Hello? Can I help you?"
"Uh, yeah. I'm John and this is Officer Greg. Just looking up to check on a boy
that might be in your home, right now. A George Ryan Ross?"
"Oh, yes. He's here. Come on in. Come in."
John swept his eyes across the room. He had on bright red glasses to help him
with the case. He saw a woman bouncing one naked baby and another woman
bouncing another naked baby. But no George in sight. "How old are they?"
"Three days," Amber answered. Jack walked in just as she said. "Oh, babe,
You're home. This is, um, John and Officer Greg."
"Nice to meet you," Jack said.
"You as well," John answered and shook hands with the man. "Uh, why are they
naked? Are they not cold?"
Amber shot her glare to Norma. "My sister in law was supposed to be getting
them clothes. Oh, they just spit up over everything. The both of them," she
sighed. "But what are you gonna do?"
"Did you just get back from the hospital?"
She shook her head and held the baby a little higher to show the man its
finally content face. "No, no. I decided to have a home birth. And it was a lot
earlier than we expected."
"They are small."
"Yes, they are," she agreed while handing the baby she had to her sister to
help her dress it in Misty's clothes. Misty was the youngest of all the kids.
"A little early, but we got everything checked out already and they're doing
great. Jack and I are going to be able to get them more proper clothes, today.
We were actually going to go when he got here, but then so did you. So now we
can wait until after you leave. Oh, we need diapers and bottles and clothes. We
planned on being able to wait a couple weeks longer, and I guess you can say
we're the ones who wait till the last minute."
"Not a good idea with babies," he commented.
"Oh, right, I know. I totally know what you're saying. But they're now our
fifth and sixth children. And we're actually borrowing money to be able to go
out, today."
"Who are your other kids?"
"Well this is, um, Rob, right behind you," she said. He turned around a jumped
a little.
"Hey, Rob," John said. "How old are you?"
"Oh, he can't-." She cut herself off and brought up a hand to cover her mouth.
"I'm sorry. Hormones. I'm very emotional, right now. But, um. He can't talk.
He's twenty-two and he was in a horrific car accident when he was fifteen.
Severe brain damage. Sometimes I can get him to answer to his name, but he
really just does not know what is going on. He used to be such a bright kid. He
was so smart and talented and funny. He wanted to be a, a director."
"Oh," he said quietly, looking down on the boy. His face was hollow and
scarred. One eye looked almost blind.
"It's ok," Jack murmured to her ear. "He's still happy. Just in a different
way."
"I know," she sighed. "But when he tries to talk to us, it's not even like he's
speaking English. And his legs are fused together near his hips, so he can't
walk. We're trying to get him on crutches, but he has a lot of trouble and just
doesn't like them. He can tell us when he's hungry or thirty, but do you see
how skinny he is? He was on a feeding tube for a while, but we finally got him
off it. They think he'll have to go back on, maybe permanently because he is
just never hungry."
The thing looked up to the new person standing there. He decided to call this
one Yellow, after its shirt. The other would be Blue. He rubbed his head along
Blue's leg and settle his arms on its foot. It was even better doing it to
another thing kinda like him than it was rubbing along the wall or crate,
because Blue even made himself small and scratched his head.
Amber laughed. "He's still very affectionate," she said while they watched it
try to rub their faces together. "But he doesn't quite get personal space. He's
very gentle, though."
"And so this is Rob?" John asked. "Rob...?"
"Oh, Robert George Ross."
"Ok, and we need George Ryan Ross."
"Right, ok. I'll just warn you that he's, you know. He's got a learning
disability similar to Rob's. He was in an accident, too, but he's in much
better shape than Robert is."
"Ok, and what happened to George?" he asked. He didn't remember a mention of
any disabilities, which he usually got, but he trusted this woman.
"He was just a baby and his mother, God bless her soul, dropped him. It-. She
felt terrible. She could hardly live with herself when we found out what had
happened because of the fall."
"Do you know how she dropped him?"
"I didn't want to ask. She's passed on, now, and I would never ask. George, as
in George's father, might know, but he isn't here, right now. He's had a lot of
trouble since his wife's recent passing and he doesn't like to leave his house,
much."
"Ok. Well, how about you get George junior? He's here, isn't he?"
"He is. But his father was trying to do something fun. Because ever since his
mom, to him, just disappeared Ryan-. The son goes by Ryan. Ryan hasn't been the
same and he hasn't been so close to his father. So George decided to take Ryan
out to do something he really shouldn't have. They went and played in the mud,
or something like that. Oh, but he just wanted to bond. Though, now Ryan smells
like a sewer and we have to convince him to let us bathe him. He doesn't like
anybody bathing him but his parents. So I'll get him, but he is dirty."
Ryan stumbled inside and was led up to a man he'd never seen before.
"Ryan, this is John. He's from child protective services and he helps people.
Isn't that neat? He helps kids in trouble."
They held a long stare before Ryan dropped his hand and tried crushing his
skull between his hands. He groaned from deep in his throat, not even caring to
think that Amber was standing right next him.
"Oh, I know you don't like new people, but you can't do that, RyRy. It isn't
polite."
"I'm gonna fucking kill her," he growled so low and quietly it disguised that
he had any words at all. "I told her not to."
Amber pulled down one of Ryan's arms to get his attention so she could hand him
a baby, just for the fun. "Here, do you want to hold him?"
Ryan almost dropped the baby boy the second he was handed to him, but held on.
He could feel himself making a connection with him- it- when it smiled up at
him and swung its arms. He didn't think babies that young could smile, or even
move, for that matter, but he watched its face change expressions. It got a
serious look that was all too adorable for Ryan to hold back a smile at.
"Aw, how precious."
Ryan bounced the baby when he started to make discontent noises. This was
apparently much too advanced for a kid with severe brain damage, so the baby
was promptly taken from him and rested again in Amber's arms.
Rob pulled himself over to Ryan and looked up boldly, after his baby was safely
away from his target. He was allowed to look at Ryan, but that was it. And he
assumed he could look at the two new people just arrived because he still
hasn't been told not to. He raised a fist and hit Ryan as hard as he could in
the knee. He pulled against somebody's hands to push Ryan's hips back and make
him fall to the ground. Rob struggled and tried to pull his way free, but the
arms around him kept getting tighter and tighter.
When he hit the floor, Ryan didn't dare get back up. He pulled his legs in and
covered his head with his arms. He could hear Rob growling and his nails
scrabbling on the wood floors as he tried to get at him.
"Robert," Amber scolded. "Rob, look at me. You can't do that."
"How often does he lunge like that?" John asked only after they had Rob calmed
down and boxed in by their legs.
"Not often. But it's hard to teach him not to. He's just been having a bad few
days since the babies were born. Lots of screaming and crying, you know. But
usually he's very quiet and cuddly, even."
"Did Rob give Ryan his bruise on his neck?"
"Uh, no. He didn't. It, um. He wasn't bruised last weekend, didn't I say that?"
"No."
"Oh. Well, he wasn't. I don't actually know how he got it. George just told me
he came home from school with it, one day and that he's trying to take care of
it with the school."
"How about this cut on his jaw? Do you know how this happened? Come here,
Ryan," John called. He got Ryan standing next to him again so he could point to
where he witnessed George had attacked him. "Do you know he got this?"
"Oh, I think he actually tripped, if I'm not mistaken. He can be a little
clumsy. But I don't talk to George too much anymore, and he would know where he
got everything."
"Do you think maybe your bother could have started abusing his son? Maybe since
his wife's death."
"Oh, no. I don't think that's it at all," she said. "I think somebody got the
wrong impression, seeing his bruise, you know. And they called you. Which is
good. I'm glad to see this is being investigated, but it just isn't child
abuse."
"Well, what about his limp? He limps."
"He does. He always has. His motor skills are impaired."
"Alright," he said. John turned to the door, and while doing so, spotted the
perfect little table sitting between the door and the couch. He had little
cameras he was to stick around the house is neutral places. Like the living
room. "How about just me and you head outside and talk? It'll only be a couple
of minutes and it's standard, required, procedure that I talk to you and Ryan."
"Ok. That's fine."
"Officer Greg will wait in here."
Amber stood in front of the house while the man faced her. He was looking down
and reading off of a clipboard.
"Ok, how long have you been having Ryan over your house? For weekends?"
"For weekends? About six months, a little less. Since his mother's passing."
"Before that?"
"He was over here all the time. But now we take him to give his poor, grieving
father a rest. George and, um, Delilah used to come over with him, too. But now
we mostly only see George for our holidays and birthdays and things."
"Ok. How long has he had the bruise?"
"I don't know, honestly."
"And the scratch?"
"Which-. Oh, I don't know about that, either."
"Ok, you said Rob has trouble eating. What about Ryan? He's even thinner."
"Oh, yes," she said. "He hasn't been eating much since his mother's death.
George is doing his best and taking him to doctors and seeing if they can get
anything done, like a feeding tube, maybe, but they're still figuring things
out."
"How did his mother die?"
"A car accident."
"The same one Rob was in?"
"Oh, yes, actually. Yes, that was the one. It was horrific."
"Ok, and Rob is how old? Again?"
"He's eighteen years old."
An almost sinister smile grew on John's lips. "Perfect. Thank you. I'll go get
Ryan and talk to him and then we'll be on our way."
"And then that's it?"
"No. As standard procedures go, we'll be back tomorrow with a warrant to search
your house."
"What's going on, bud?"
Ryan figured his last second act was fooling them the way they spoke to him.
"Hi," he said quietly.
"Can you tell me how you got your bruise? There on your neck?"
Maybe fessing up wouldn't be so bad. He was always at least half terrified when
it was threatened to call, but now he could see the people contacted. They
didn't look half as scary as he thought. They didn't coo at him like his
guidance counselor and obviously only pretend to care. They were very real and
he felt safe with them, outside and away from his family. Jail time would do
his father good, anyway. Force him to quit the drink that was slowly killing
him. And he wouldn't give the slightest of a fuck if all of his further family
suddenly died a slow and painful death of a house fire.
"Ryan, what happened to your neck?"
If he didn't tell them, and did fool them, he would definitely have to step
back inside after waving them goodbye and say hello to the whip. And the crate.
And the stick. And the hunger and taunting and thirst and the being
uncomfortable solely because he was dirty.
"Ryan? Can you hear me?"
"My friends, they all said if I called you guys you would help me."
John nodded. "Yes," he said. "That's what we're trying to do right now."
"I was always too scared. I like- I love my dad even though he hits me. Even
though he drinks. And I want to see my boyfriend, still. But you guys are gonna
take me away."
"You'll still be able to see your boyfriend, bud."
"Do you promise?"
"Yes. I promise."
"Will my dad go to jail?"
"He'll go to jail."
"Who called you?" he suddenly asked.
"I couldn't tell you if I knew."
His teeth grit and his nose wrinkled. "I know who fucking did it and I told her
not to."
"Well be glad she did. Now we're here to help."
Ryan started rubbing his eyes, though he wasn't crying yet. "Can you have
alcohol in jail?" He said no. "So he'll have to quit? And that'll be god for
him. He can't keep drinking like this. He'll be better if he gets arrested."
"He will."
Ryan nodded and sniffled. "I was too scared, before. To call. To let anyone
else. I thought you guys would come and would be like them and would just rip
me away and hold me in a room by myself, forever."
"It isn't like that. We're working to get you out of here. We're gonna make you
a lot happier. I know what's going on and no human should ever, ever experience
a thing these people are putting you through."
"I'm just a dog," he mumbled. "I'm not human, here."
"That's why we're here to help."
"My friends told me when you guys take me you would give me water. And let me
take a shower or a bath. And that you would feed me," he jumped.
He let a smile fall on his lips and nodded. "Yes, all that comes with being
treated like a person. Or any living thing."
"And they said you guys won't hurt me like they do. When I'm bad. But I don't
believe them."
Ryan almost sounded like a was trying to make a deal. The man chuckled, in a
mix of nervousness and amusement. "You should, Ryan. What they do is wrong.
We're going to get this all sorted out. Get you in a children's home. You won't
be hurt if you're bad."
"Well then what do they do? They have to do something to the bad kids."
"They would tell you you're wrong. The kids might get put in a timeout, or
something."
"How should you know? Do you work there?"
"Yes, I do. I help care for the kids and I come out on occasional calls. You
would come to my facility and be roomed with some kids your age. We usually
don't ever need discipline for the older kids, but we might just have them stay
in their rooms by themselves. Little kids get put in the corner. It's a very
small facility."
Ryan rubbed along the front of his neck while he spoke. "Are you going to take
me today?"
He sighed heavily and shook his head, looking to the ground, almost in shame.
"No, we can't."
"But I thought you were going to help me. I'm hungry. I want to change my
clothes- they said you would give me different clothes, too. I haven't taken
these off in three years."
"We're going to make sure you can find a home where you have more clothes than
you ever have."
"I only want one new set. I can buy it myself, I have the money. I just was
trying to save it. Will you take me with you today? You don't have to spend any
money on me, I promise. I only haven't used it all yet because I've been saving
it. For in case I need it. But if you take me I can spend what I have and I can
get another job."
"We need to get someone in higher charge than me to approve this. To allow us
to get what we need to get you out. This is only the first check in."
"How many are there going to be?" he asked, not able to help himself starting
to get a whine in his voice. "Just lie. Please? Tell them you approved it. Fake
a signature. Say it was urgent. Tell them I'm willing. Please? I want to go.
Now."
He could see Ryan's heart breaking. "It isn't that simple. It should be, but it
isn't."
"Please? I swear, sir, I'll be good. I won't hurt anybody. I know I smell, but.
Please? Seriously, dude? Are you a joke?"
"Very soon."
"Is this a joke?" he spat. "You're not really here to protect children, are
you? You're here to mock me. I'm already seventeen, how long is it going to
take? Years? Then I'm not a kid and you can't help me. Come on, sir. I'm
begging you. Don't make me walk back in there. You know, I've been terrified
for years to reach out for help. This has been going on nearly six!" he hissed.
"This same shit over and over and over again! My friends, they threaten to call
you if I don't. And I threaten to kill them! And now I'm glad I went with my
gut. I don't know why you're even here! They tell me when you show up you'll
take me away and give me a bed! But you're only here asking questions and then
going? Just like that? Don't you care? I've just told you I changed my mind. I
want help, now. And now I can't have it. You know, I don't ask for much in
life! And now I want help out of this mess and you won't do it? The simplest
thing in the world! You could drop me on the side of the road, I don't actually
give a shit! Just don't let them have me back in there. No, don't you fucking
touch me!" He grabbed the man's wrist when he tried putting a hand up to quiet
him, and shoved him off. "My skin is permanently purple from bruises. You know,
my teacher found out yesterday and gave me my first real meal, today, in six
years! She's doing more than you are! You're only trying to make fun of me!
Like everyone else!"
"Ryan!" he finally snapped. "Ryan, just calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down when all I'm asking for is a seat in your huge
fucking van! Or are you saving them all for the other children?"
"Ryan, just stop. We're going to get you out within the week, ok? I have a meal
you can have right now, but I cannot take you from here without getting your
case approved. The latest will be Wednesday, but I promise you it'll be before
that."
Ryan was reduced to nothing but swaying, half angry and half lost, while he
sniffled with tears rolling down his face. "So I have to go back in there? you
don't understand, man. Did you see those babies?"
"So?"
"You don't understand, man. I can't do this. Not again. I'm so tired."
"I understand," he said calmly. "I do."
"That's insulting."
"But you just have to stay strong for a few more days and then we can have you
out of there."
Ryan shoved his way between them to find the wall of the house so he could
slide down it.
"Why don't you lift up your shirt a little bit so I can see if you're hurt
anywhere else, then I'll go get you one of those meals, ok?"
Ryan nodded and sat tall to tuck the hem of his sweater under his arms.
Silently, he turned for them and showed them his back before the man left for
his van.
Ryan was beginning to think the only reason he did so well with keeping any
weight off was because there was nothing to put it on. He always kept well with
his regular eating on Sundays, but excepting those times, there seemed to be a
pattern of him seeing food offered to him and then pushing thoughts of
consequences to the back of his head. He was telling himself again that there
were plenty of reasons he should eat the entire thing in one go, and he didn't
even know what was in the bag, yet. He was telling himself that he needed to
eat it, or it would be too suspicious with the CPS man. He needed it to get
through the beatings waiting for him. The thing was, Ryan had no self control
and was probably going to dread the days food was set in front of him everyday.
But as soon as he was finished eating and could actually rip his thoughts away
from the food already threatening him.
"Here, I've got some crackers and cookies you can eat while I heat up this main
part, ok? It's called an MRE. Meals ready to eat and it's what the soldiers
eat. You just pour this salt water in here and it'll heat up this for you, but
you can eat them cold, too."
He didn't really care. Ryan let his eyes fall on the open bag in the man's
hands. "No, thanks."
"Ryan, eat it."
"I don't fucking want to eat it," Ryan said. He sat forward more and tried to
look dangerous. "Get it out of my face, already."
"Look, I know you're upset because I can't take you, today, so why don't you
eat this now so you feel a little better, ok? I promise we'll get you soon."
"It's not about that, I don't fucking want it."
"You're starving. Just-."
"I'm not fucking starving," Ryan hissed. He wanted to shout, but feared they
would hear him from inside. "I'm not hungry, I'm not starving, and I don't want
to eat your motherfucking crackers. I'm not upset about that, I hope I die in
there before you can come back to get me, anyway."
"Ryan, I'm sorry. I-."
"Don't you have fucking questions to ask me? Or can I reenter hell, now?"
"This'll be quick," he said. "How did you get the bruise on your neck?"
"From my dad."
"Why?"
"I don't fucking know."
"The, um, that cut on your jaw." He already knew this one. Not only was he
there, the incident was recorded and the bleeding cut was clearly documented as
he ran away.
"I was leaving for school, sir. I saw a tinted car and I thought I saw someone
sitting up and watching, so I stood to look. I had woken him up that morning by
mistake and then I left the door open. So he was already angry and he hates
when the door is open. He came out and threw a bottle at me, but missed, so he
picked up a broken piece and swung it at me."
"What's it like at home?"
He shrugged. "Bad. Dirty."
"Ok. Thanks, Ryan. Now what we're going to do is come back tomorrow with a
warrant and we'll search the house."
"So you can get a warrant to search the house I'm already telling you is run by
sociopaths, but you can't get me out?"
"It's going to be soon, I promise. We're going to get you out a soon as we
possibly can. Ok?"
He shrugged again.
Ryan was helped back to his feet and led up to the door. He smiled again when
they walked in and tried to stay closer to the man. He hated how selfish John
was being, but he knew the man was the only thing keeping him safe.
Amber squeezed Ryan's wrist as tightly as she could. He had been outside a long
time. They waved the goodbyes together, standing in the door.
Ryan stepped back while she was closing the door, accidentally knocking the
side table a little. She was closing it slowly and watching the van disappear
from the window. As soon as it was out of site, she was on him. His shoulders
were grabbed and he was thrown to the floor with all the woman's might. She
stomped on him, forcing him to roll over and see all the children watching and
waiting quietly. They liked to watch the show, but joining in was not allowed.
They could get in trouble, too. This was Amber's fight.
"Take off your jacket!"
He nodded quickly and sat up just enough to slide the sleeves off. He did it
slowly and gently so nothing would fall out before he tossed it into his crate.
He knew what was coming. And he didn't need to be told to take off his
sweatshirt, as well.
Misty squealed when she saw what was in her mother's hands. They pretended it
was a riding crop pretty often, but her mother said the only reason it wasn't
was because this could teach Ryan better. The rope was long and black and Amber
said it was easier to use than a short, stiff stick while Ryan was on the
ground and they were standing.
Amber walked her daughter back before turning to let the whip fall. Ryan was
prone and starting to curl in on himself.
All the groaning was going to burn a hole in the back of his throat, he was
sure. He couldn't scream. He couldn't run. Though, the only thing holding him
there, trying to ward off his flight reaction, was him trying to grip the
hardwood floor.
"Why does it have to take its shirt off?"
Amber twisted to smile at Misty, her brightest, favorite protégé. Misty called
Ryan 'it' the most often and was always helping her mother find better ways to
discipline him. "Because," she said, out of breath. "He's going to have to go
back to school on Monday and he already has one rip through that jacket from
this. We don't want him to go back in shreds, or some of his teachers mind find
something wrong."
"There's nothing wrong, though."
"I know," she sighed and swung her weapon again. He was already in a puddle.
"But a lot of people think there's something wrong with this. Most people just
don't understand that it has to come to this, sometimes. They think we should
coddle him and, and kiss him when he's bad."
"Then he doesn't learn because he's too stupid and bad."
"Exactly, baby."
"Can I try?"
She smiled again, this time at the uproar of the children trying to push Misty
back so they could have a go. "You can all try," she promised. "But Misty goes
first."
Ryan waited silently. He was kicked when he didn't react to a tickle on his
lower back so he assumed it was Misty's failed shot. He was kicked again at
nothing, but then it was probably the girl trying again. He had lost a lot of
feeling, on his back, especially. But he felt the next. The end of the whip sat
heavy on his spine and slid off. He groaned, hoping to make the girl think she
had done it. But then he was whipped by an adult.
Misty waited till everyone had gotten their turn and her mother was coiling the
whip. "Can I do the buzzy thing?"
"What buzzy thing? Are you talking about something on that?"
She nodded quickly. "Yeah," she said and held out her hands like she was
holding a gun. "The buzzy thing that makes him stop. Coy told me about it. Can
I do it?"
"Oh! The Taser! Of course. Earl, go get it."
Ryan whimpered. They were all trying to line up, but Amber had to tell them
that this could only be done once so they wouldn't accidentally almost kill
him, again. She promised them they could do it, eventually.
"Hold him down, you dog."
He was almost crushed when they placed Rob with his hands on Ryan's neck and
his knees digging into Ryan's own. He knew 'Rob' was already angry with him and
was made sure he knew when the boy bounced, digging into him while the mother
and daughter worked on their gun.
Amber slowly applied pressure to the little finger on the trigger until the two
wires shot out and embedded themselves in Ryan's chest and stomach.
"Ow!" Misty cried, pushing her finger up to her mother.
Startled, Rob hopped off of Ryan when he started to tremble and shake.
Ryan lost any control of all of his muscles and started shaking violently the
second the other boy was off him. He could hear his teeth chattering loudly in
his hear while he was beginning to choke on the saliva sliding to his throat.
Amber returned to Ryan being dramatic and blue. She was sure he was shaking on
purpose, but he was still blue. So she kicked him to roll him over to his side
and watched to color return.
Ryan could feel blood still oozing from his back and now spit falling from his
lips. It was soon over, but he still couldn't move. No problem, though, Jack-
Amber's boyfriend of forever- threw him into the crate and locked the door. He
landed facing away from the door with a hand resting on his neck. He did wish
he could shift off the button of his jacket to move so he wasn't sitting so
heavy on one slice in his arm, but his fingers were still twitching without his
control.
He might say it was even a little over an hour before he dared trying to move
anything other than his fingers that were still hardly listening, maybe a
little more scared at what was going to happen next than if it might hurt. He
pushed himself up and fell down, but pushed himself up again. He struggled to
get all his clothes back on in the tight space while his aunt, Melody, left the
table and returned to him with a wet rag. She opened the door and got back to
her huge dinner, that he didn't even have to make, this time.
Ryan knew exactly what to do. He twitched and smashed against an inside wall on
his way trying to get out. Somebody threw a butter's knife at him. He ignored
it, though, as it hadn't even touched him, and went on to find the nearest
puddle of blood to sop up. Rob almost dropped a bucket half full of water next
to him, that he was carrying in his mouth. He knew even before he looked at it
that it would be scolding hot. They had tricked him the first couple times,
when he had pushed his whole, bloody hand in it, only young and wanting the
mess off quickly. Blood didn't phase him anymore.
It hadn't been long, maybe thirty minutes of him trying to lift the red stain,
before somebody let the big pit bull back inside. He curled tightly in on
himself and had to wait the bite out. The dog locked its jaw and refused to let
go for anything. He pushed and he growled and hissed at it, but it wouldn't go
and he couldn't even scream. The drunkards all laughed so loudly that a couple
of the kids that all had been sent up to bed came down to see what they were
missing. They must have been especially drunk that night, for it took them ages
to get bored and rip the dog off to put it in it's cage with a treat.
Finally, he had finished cleaning the floor as they finished cleaning their
plates. He got an old hoody of Coy's to wrap around his side, where the dog had
bitten him, but it helped the pain none. He tried to forget about it as he
headed back to his crate after getting rid of the bloody bucket.
"Where are you going?" Jack asked, slurring voice booming. "You've got some
work to do, thing."
Ryan found his feet and bowed to him. "Yes, sir." Maybe he just had to clean
the kitchen.
*******************
Amber carried out the twins stacked one on the other in her arm and held a
hammer by the head. "Ready?"
The room shook when Ryan fell to his knees. The adults all shifted at the table
to see and even Rob was still present, sitting silently on his knees in front
of the stairs.
"Please," he begged. "Please don't make me do it. I'm begging you."
"Oh, you don't want to?" she asked. "You don't want to do it, thing? Why not?
Isn't it fun?"
"Please," he cried. "Please, miss. Ma'am, I'm begging you."
"Well if you don't do it, what am I supposed to do with them?"
Ryan couldn't help but notice they weren't crying. He prayed they were dead
already, but knew Amber must have fed them just enough to keep them alive but
lethargic. "Miss, won't you put them up for adoption? Please, miss. Just-."
"Shut up!" she shouted with a kick to his wounded side. "Shut up and do what
you're told."
His sniffling died down as one baby, a boy, was placed gently in front of him.
"Isn't that man going to come back with a warrant tomorrow? What will he think
when they're gone?"
"SIDS."
His hands shook dangerously as he was handed a hammer. He never needed a
hammer, before. "Can't I just-."
No shouting made him stop talking, that time. He quieted down as he felt the
familiar touch of a gun barrel to his head.
The gun was held by Jack, the would be father of the twins, even if not
biologically. "Do it, you dog. I will shoot."
The hammer was heavy, almost too heavy to lift, and cold in his shaking hands.
He set it down and turned the quiet, but smiling, baby over to lay on his
stomach. It made a content gurgling noise, making Ryan think that Amber might
have even just fed them.
"Hurry up."
His head parted from the gun just enough for him to shake it. "I can't."
"You've done it before."
"Please, miss. Sir. I can take them. I'll take them home with me and find a
place for them."
"You think a baby can live with you? In that shit hole?"
"No. No, miss. I'll take them with me and I'll find a place they can have."
"Oh, no. They don't get to have anything. Even if we did let them live, don't
you think they would get what you do?"
He could have swore she was trying to make him feel better about killing them.
"But, miss, I could find them somewhere else. That way you don't need dead
babies, and you wouldn't need another mouth to feed."
"What's wrong with dead babies?"
Ryan looked down at the one laying there, soft head to the side to suck on its
fingers. He felt the gun come back and lifted the hammer.
"Oh, what now?" Amber nearly roared when the hammer fell down again. "Thing,
I'm tired."
"I can't do it," he said. "I can't do it." He had never been smiled at or held
the other ones, before.
"Ok, get up," Jack ordered and pulled the scrap of thing up to its shaking
feet. He walked it over to the back door and opened it. The grass took his
first shot, to make sure the gun was working, and to make sure it knew he was
serious.
Ryan fell to his knees in the frame of the door and hunched over to cry. He
wasn't supposed to cry ever, but what would it matter if he were going to die,
anyway? "Please let me take them," he begged through his closing throat.
"Please let me take them. Please let me take them." He was too caught up and
could hardly think to say anything else.
Rob inched his way forward, the only one not turned to watch through the scary
open door, and found the other baby laying on the floor. He picked it up
carefully and moved his hand to stroke its cold head. When it smiled, he smiled
too. Rob was quick to tuck it under his shirt and zip his tight hoody so he
could carry it up to his room.
He wrapped it in just his hoody to keep it warm and kissed its head once so he
could return to the downstairs and not be missed. He wanted to take care of it
like he got to take care of the two before.
Ryan rocked up and down in the tight fit of the door, wedged by his knees and
feet against their own sides of the frame. "Please."
Jack drunkenly shoved his gun to Ryan's head while it was up, but fired while
it was down. "You piece of shit!" he shouted, only when he noticed he had
missed.
The fire in his ear was the only thing that could make Ryan stop. He felt the
heat of the shot and the warmth of the barrel when it was pressed to his head,
again. "I'll do it. I'll do it."
"Jack let him up," Norma drawled.
"No. He-."
"Babe," Amber said only after taking her flute down from her lips. "He's gonna
do it, babe."
Ryan shared a look with Rob, one he didn't know how to feel about, and knelt
down in front of the baby. It was something too mature for him to share with a
boy like Rob, who he could only guess played all day with all the crayons and
glue he saw him carry up to his room.
He didn't have much time to think more about it when the hammer was shoved
impatiently into his hand, again. He set the broadest side against the baby's
head and made it cry out just as the gun was nudged to him again.
Rob watched on silently to see the spill from the head slowly seep to cover the
floor. He didn't like it much, not like everyone else.
Ryan pulled the hammer up again and again when the baby cried and kicked after
his first blow. "Please," he shouted as he did it, no longer sure if he was
just seeing things or not. "Please," he cried.
Rob only laughed with them when he realized it was the other baby they were
looking for.
"Did it crawl away?" Earl asked under Ryan's screaming.
"It can't crawl!"
Ryan hunched over the baby and screamed into the ground as his nose touched
something warm and wet. He shook and screamed and screamed some more. Not even
the kicking on his hip could make him stop.
Rob pulled himself into a corner he could peek out of but not be noticed in and
waited for them to give up and go to bed. It got to be just Ryan left, but he
wanted to wait a little longer.
"I'll leave this light on for you," Amber slurred. The only reason she wasn't
drunk like the rest of them the second he walked in was because she almost had
too many DUIs already. Once was more than enough, but one more and her license
would be taken. Then she couldn't get to her job to get money to get more
alcohol. "So you can see the baby's brains. Just leave the body under the table
and we'll put it away together, tomorrow."
"Yes, miss. Thank you, miss."
He could only stare into its open eyes. It's dead eyes.
Ryan dropped the bloody rag in the bloody water, no longer sure if he could
trust his eyes telling him that waiting so long left the floor stained.
Hopefully it wouldn't matter too much because this man was going to get him out
soon enough.
He took the bucket to dump on the already blood stained wood just outside the
back door, where all the bloody water went. The bucket was left just outside
the door, as he was always told, and he crept quietly back to the table, in
hopes not to wake Gizmo, the dog. He looked down on one plate with at least
half their chicken left. He needed what he could get, right? He turned down the
food from that John, earlier and he even exercised during the week.
Ryan looked all around himself, even under the table just to be sure, before he
dug long nails into the soft, cold meat and started to lift it up. Just a he
was done flipping it over, a bed creaked, and then a door. By the time feet hit
the steps, he was back on the ground by where the blood used to be. Turning, he
saw it was his aunt Norma who was standing with one arm stretched up the wall
and with a hip pushed out. He bowed his head to her and returned to studying
the floor, realizing too late that he no longer had a bucket.
"What was that banging around?"
He looked back to her, bowing his head again, and said, "I heard no banging,
myself, miss."
"Nothing?"
"No, ma'am."
"Have you finished over there?" she asked, picking up an empty beer bottle left
on the table while he stuttered out a 'yes.' She laughed lightly as she
sauntered over to him, waving him back to the floor with a couple of lazy
fingers.
Ryan dropped back down and waited for the bottle to break over his head. That's
all that could have been coming.
Norma smiled when he looked up, big brown eyes clearly full of fear. She took
her cigarette to put it out on the back of his neck while taking the time to
admire how he cowered under her, on his fours, only waiting for the discipline.
"Are you sure you got it all?"
"Yes, ma'am." It was better to be confident than humble.
She laughed again, grabbing the table just in time before she fell, still
awfully drunk. She raised her arm and brought it down quickly over his head.
"Well, I haven't done that in some time, now have I?"
Ryan tried to hold back the moan while he carefully lifted his hand from under
some shattered green glass to rub his head. He shook it, "No, ma'am," he said.
"That was fun. Now clean it up, dog."
"Yes, ma'am," he grumbled while he started to stand. She let him, but blocked
his way when he faced the kitchen.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"The broom? To get the broom and dustpan, miss?"
"No, no, no," she almost cooed, setting her hand on his scrawny chest to push
back.
"I was allowed, last time, miss."
Her fists balled, but she shook out her hands instead of bringing them up. "Is
there something wrong with you? Did I hit you too hard? I just told you no, now
clean it up, you son of a bitch."
"Yes, ma'am."
As he was setting his hand on the neat pile of glass to start to grab it, her
foot came down and ground his hand like a cigarette. He couldn't help the
whining, as he could feel one piece stand out from the rest. "Please," he
started. "Please, miss."
"You've been bad, thing. Getting the CPS in here, being dirty, asking for
things even after I've told you no. I could go on, really."
"Please," he cried, grabbing his wrist just to try to pull his hand from under
her. She was fully on him, bouncing. He gasped and tried even harder, not sure
knocking her down to get her off wouldn't be worth it just to free his hand
from being punctured. "Get off," he ordered, half waiting for a hand to come
down and strike him.
"Oh, what? You can take a whipping? A Taser? A cage? Starvation? But not glass?
Man-up, Ryan."
That was probably the first time she had ever called him by his name, but he
had hardly heard. "Miss, it's going through my hand. Please, get off, it's
through my hand."
She only stopped giggling and got off when she felt a little poke on her heel.
Ryan lifted his hand, but closed his own eyes at the site of a piece of the
glass, red on top of his hand, and green underneath it, running right through
the muscle next to his thumb, between it and his index finger.
"What do you do now, then?"
Jaw locking tighter and tighter, he was more worried about breathing than
getting it out. This was probably even worse than the holes the dog left in
him, or the slices deep in his flesh from the whip, that he only hoped would
close.
"Come on, Ryan."
He whined and brought his hand back to his lap, with tears rushing down his
face to wet his fingers. He didn't want it out, at this point, He would much
rather it just stay, even if his skin had to heal around it so it would be
there for good.
"Hey, dog!"
"Yes, miss," he whimpered, taking the bottom to try and get it out the way it
went in.
She slapped him hard over his head when he started to make a noise too loud.
"Shut up!" she shouted, prompting him to give her his hand. She rolled her
eyes, but took the red half and ripped it up. As soon as his hand was free from
her, he hugged it and fell to his side, crying. She kicked him in his stomach
to get him to stop, but it only made it worse. So she tried again until he was
done. "I guess I have to take teeth now. Ugh, I'll do it the morning. You know
crying is not allowed."
"Can I have a rag, miss?" he asked, brows furrowed and head tipped while he
looked up at her. "To, to tie-."
She lost the lust she had for him and slapped his face hard enough to knock him
down into her pile of glass. "You can have nothing, dog! Why should you even
think you deserve a rag?"
"So I don't bleed over everything, miss. Miss, there's a hole in my hand."
"Are you complaining? You're complaining!"
"No!" he gasped, shooting to sit upright. All the glass he had piled neatly
scattered when she shoved him down. "I'm not complaining, merely stating. I
don't want to stain anything, miss." A deep groan played out in his throat when
she rolled him to his back by her foot and dropped a heavy stomp on his chest.
"Clean up this glass and do the dishes! I have had about enough of you, today!
You're a horrible child! How you are still such a huge disgrace after all we've
done, I'll never know."
He quieted his sniveling while he pushed himself up on his good hand. For that,
he got another kick that knocked him back down. "Stop being dramatic," she
barked. "You're too big a complainer. All you've got is a little cut and you're
going to go and act as if you've lost your whole hand? You are the single most
disrespectful piece of shit I have ever laid my eyes on, you know. You deserve
everything you get."
He used both his hands this time, but was careful not to stress anywhere near
the hole. After finally getting all the glass back in a pile, he grabbed a
handful as quickly as he could so she would not have the time to step on his
hand, again.
"Where do you think you're going, now?" She took a wide step to the side to cut
off his path to the kitchen, again.
"The garbage can, miss."
"Oh, no," she started, shoulders rising and fists balling. "Last time you put
glass in the garbage it made a hole and the bag spilled everywhere."
He remembered clearly. He was the one that picked it all up, frequently stopped
by a mischievous kid running by to shove his face in the wasted, rotting food.
Now, Ryan swore he would never let a single morsel into the trash from any
meal. That is, from the meals of his family.
"What are you doing? Just staring? Where did Grandma Sue have you put it last
week?"
"Well-. In my pockets, miss, but one of my teachers found a piece in there
and...." He trailed off when he saw her face, which he was not even supposed to
see. He was supposed to only look at the ground, not as good as the rest of
them who were allowed to pick up their heads, but her silence worried him. He
got a hard slap in the face right away.
"Well that's your own damn fault, isn't it?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"For not getting it all out. Now I am not going to have you putting another
hole in the bag only so it can rip and spill out all over the nicely cleaned
floors."
"Yes, miss," he mumbled on his way back to the pile. She assisted him by
kicking him down, probably at the mumbling.
By the time Ryan was finished, Norma was calm. She was relaxed enough to
appreciate him on the ground, being so obedient. She watched him pick up all of
the glass with scarred skin, scarred by her hand. Once he was done, he had
trouble getting back to his feet, but she enjoyed his little show of weakness.
"Dishes," she snapped shortly when he was up. He only nodded.
Ryan gathered all of the plates, setting the only one with chicken on the top
every time. There was no way he was going to be getting any table scraps with
her following to watch. She hopped up on the counter with a glass of wine and a
cigarette, having him refresh each one until all the dishes were done, dried,
and put away.
"Good job," she said huskily.
Ryan lifted his head, surprised, and turned his head to look behind himself
when she was looking right at him.
She took his chin and gently turned his face back to her. "I'm talking to you."
He bowed his head and took a nervous step back. "I-. Thank you, miss."
"We can go back, now."
Ryan nodded quickly and led her back to his cage. He bowed to her before
reaching for the door of his cage, but she stopped him as he started to crouch
down. His first thought was that she either needed something else, or that she
needed to discipline him.
Norma shoved his back against the wall and sized him up. Even their heights
were a perfect match. She brought her face closer to his still and let their
noses brush.
Ryan stood as still as he could. Maybe she'd had a glass of wine too many and
was too out of it to beat him. He thought that for only a few seconds before
their lips touched and she pulled his in.
Norma gasped when she was shoved back and held her breast, where he pushed. She
laughed and advanced again and again, but each time Ryan was able to stiffen
his arms between them. Only after her fourth attempt, she took his hand and
placed it on her own body.
Ryan ripped his hand back and shoved her for the hundredth time. She was only
laughing and going at it again and again. "Stop," he snapped at her. She
slapped him hard and continued to giggle while adjusting her chest. She stopped
suddenly and reached for him.
"You fucking pedophile, get off me," he spat. Even in his adrenaline fueled
panic, his arms were growing tired and each attempt to get her away was more
and more feeble, however urgent he grew.
"Pedophile? Hardly," she slurred. "18? 19?"
"17. But it doesn't matter. Isn't your husband sleeping upstairs?"
She grunted and rolled her eyes. "You're better, baby. Come here. What's the
matter?"
Ryan could only resist her kiss by rolling his head when she pinned his wrists
to the wall. She let go of one and grabbed him, making him stand on his toes
and toss his head back. "Fuck off," he hissed. She didn't even answer this
time, not even to get mad. She took his hand and used it to touch herself.
"I will scream," he growled, getting his hands back to push her shoulders. "And
your family will find you jumping on the dog."
"You won't scream," she breathed on his neck while feeling down his back and
running her fingers lightly up his inner thighs. She rest her cheek on his
shoulder and tried sucking on his neck until he was able to push her off one
last time.
Ryan panted while he stared. She didn't advance, again.
"I'll see you, tomorrow," she murmured.
Ryan watched her go, unable to move even when he heard a door close and a bed
creak. He had to wait what felt like hours, though was maybe only a minute, to
collapse and lay in a crumple on the hardwood he stained with tears instead of
blood.
Rob crawled out of his hiding place and pulled himself over to Ryan. He wished
he could have returned to his baby sooner than what we was now, but he still
had things to do. He was mad first because he hadn't feet well or full in the
past few days, and a little mad that Ryan had smashed open his other baby's
head, even if it was entertaining to watch while it happened.
Ryan pushed away whoever was advancing on him without a care that it was the
wrong thing to do. He was pounded in the back and pulled to the floor by his
silent assaulter before getting his legs crushed by more weight.
His eyes only opened when the person took him into some odd lock that had his
face to their chest. He saw the thin white t shirt and smelled the slight touch
of waste to know it was Rob. He pushed the boy away, again, but his lock only
got tighter.
With his useless legs, Rob had trouble positioning himself to hug the way Blue
and Yellow taught him, the best way he knew so far. It was much better than how
he sat with as much of himself touching the wall, before. Plus, the wall wasn't
a very good hugger, anyway. So now he could hug Ryan because it was nice for
him, but the only real reason he stopped hitting it was because it had started
crying harder. Crying was a very, very bad thing to do, so he knew Ryan must
feel horrible for doing it. He used to seek out hugs from his blanket and
pillow, who always made him feel better, when he was sad. But Ryan didn't have
either of those things.
As soon as he figured out it was a gentle move to cuddle, when Rob rubbed his
back and kissed his head, Ryan put his own arms around the other. Maybe the
look they shared was one of understanding. He was convinced Rob had stolen the
baby, to do what with it, he didn't know, but maybe it was to save her. "I
can't do this anymore," he said, even though he knew Rob wouldn't know what he
was saying.
Rob talked to Ryan, to try and tell him it was ok, but he said so in his own
language, even though he knew Ryan wouldn't understand him. He kept talking,
just mumbling gentle words, until he heard someone coming down the steps, to
which he jumped up and walked away as if he wasn't doing anything.
Amber stepped down, ready to shout at it for being out of the cage, but she
froze a little when she saw it cry. She searched the jerking body before
telling herself it was doing what she knew it was. Her attention turned the the
other dog.
Rob crawled over to her and tried his luck by rubbing his head against her leg.
She reacted positively, for once, and scratched him beneath the chin.
"What do you want, thing? Huh?" she asked. "Were you hitting it? Were you being
good? Oh, you've been a good thing, lately, haven't you? Eating less, too. But
you gotta start answering to, what? Rob? He'll know I'm lying, won't he?"
Rob followed her to the kitchen and ran his thumb over his lips to ask for
water. She was angry, but his bowl was finally refilled. He immediately dipped
down and pushed his nose to the water, but he didn't sip, even though he was
almost as thirsty as he had ever been.
Ryan had to wait to be put back by a superior, so he remained on the floor
until Amber disappeared up the steps and Rob came slowly to him.
The bowl sloshed and lost half its water on the way over to Ryan, but Rob
didn't even care that now he wouldn't get any because of it. Still, he pulled
Ryan up as roughly as he could, without meaning to do so, and shoved its face
into the bowl. "Drink," he said.
Ryan wasn't sure if the wrangled word was an insult, a demand, or a nonsense
sound. His nose was ripped up again, seemingly so Rob could give him a
demonstration. He was tentative at first, but didn't want to miss the
opportunity. And it was sudden when Rob jumped out of no where and ran up the
steps, giving Ryan the rest of the bowl.
***** Saturday and Sunday *****
Chapter Summary
     Warnings!
     Ok, another baby death, guys. Sorry. Also, more inappropriate action
     by that aunt to the minor, Ryan. And more beatings. Plus, it is
     revealed that Rob is an epileptic by him having a seizure. And more
     beatings. Then finally, a raping. That's all, so please enjoy.
Chapter Notes
     See the summary for warnings, this time.
"Let's go!" Amber shouted. "I want it to look nice when the man gets here and
that means we need breakfast on the table. So get off your lazy ass and go make
fucking breakfast."
Ryan found his fours and waited for a superior to unlock his door. He had to
make the kids candy filled pancakes often, and so knew what he was doing. Norma
passed him a couple times, but did nothing to him. No spitting or hitting. He
told himself all last night was, was a bad dream. It didn't actually happen.
Just as he was going to flip another pancake, Jack ripped him away from the
stove and pushed him over to the table where he was shoved in a chair. Ryan was
pushed in so roughly, he swore he cracked a rib on the table.
The man adjusted his glasses as he stepped inside and let his head follow a
blur dash across the floor and pound up the stairs. "That was just Rob," the
woman said. She led him over to the table, where he reached out to hold Ryan's
shoulder. A plate was being loaded with pancakes in front of him; the boy
looked panicked.
"How are you?"
Ryan turned his aching head over his shoulder and couldn't force a smile. He
was just hoping he didn't start vomiting in front of the man when the
withdrawal from his alcohol set in even more.
"What's going on?" he tried. "What are you doing?"
"Breakfast."
"Oh, that sounds good."
Amber tried to shoo him away, to show him the house already so they wouldn't
have to actually waste food on Ryan. "You said you wanted to take a look
around?"
"Yeah, I do. Let's wait for Ryan, though. He can come with us when he's done
eating."
Ryan tried not to look too scared while he watched the man take the seat next
to him. He tried not to notice his uncle cutting up the food on his plate and
busied himself, instead, with studying the man.
"How are you?" he asked again. Ryan looked exhausted and beat down.
Ryan shrugged. He pretended to be too distracted with the man to answer to
Jack. But he finally got one bite in his mouth, though Ryan refused to eat
after that as he wasn't sure if eating more would be better to not, the fact
that he felt ready to vomit not even on his mind to make the decision.
The man stood when Ryan continued to refuse any food. "Hey, bud, how about you
show us around, now, ok?"
Ryan pulled himself up slowly, trying to get up as fast as he could without
forcing his knees to give as soon as he was up. The policeman had to step in
and half lift him when everyone else pretended not to notice he was having
trouble standing. He walked the policeman back over to the man, who was waiting
with Amber.
"Show us around?"
Ryan pointed to the kitchen. "Kitchen." To the basement. "Downstairs." Then up
the stairs. "Upstairs."
"Great, Ryan. Thank you. Now let's walk around."
Everything was normal until they got to the two couple's rooms. In the one of
Amber and Jack, simply peering in a nightstand drawer showed them a bloody
ended whip. She promised them it was for fun in bed, but did not address the
blood even though he took the time to take a sample. The one of Norma and Earl
showed him a spent TASER cartridge. Then, in Rob's attic, blood stained the
walls. Not even just a little, but giant smears of blood. It looked like the
cage might have been up there at some point, because there were clear patterns,
of the rectangles that made up the crate, showing white wall. On another wall
there was huge circles of crayon colored on it. Different sizes, but all were
big and none were of mixed colors. The third wall looked like it had been
patched up many different times, and freshly done, too.
"This is Rob's room," she said from the middle of the room, hoping to pull his
attention away from the blood.
He turned raised eyebrows to her. "The brain damaged one?"
"Yes."
"What's all this blood doing here?"
She shifted and her mouth gaped for just a moment, like it had trying to
explain the whip and TASER. "Uh. Well, he had an accident just a week ago," she
explained. "He was up here by himself, doing something with a knife. Without us
knowing, of course. I think he was using it to try and open something, and
slipped. It just happened recently and with the babies, we haven't had time to
clean it up for him, yet."
"Oh, yeah," he started, lifting a finger to point. "Where are the babies?"
Amber made to bring up her hand to cover her mouth quickly. She shook her head
and hung it.
"Where are they?"
"They passed last night. They had SIDS and we didn't know it."
"Both of them? In the same night?"
She nodded and took to fanning herself with her hands.
"Have you ever lost a baby to SIDS before?"
She took a step to stand in front of the patchy wall and nodded, again. "Oh,
yes."
"Well why didn't you make sure everything was ok? If they were so early and
this had happened before?"
She just kept shaking her head. "The birth left me sick and, and. Oh, I can't
talk about it. It was SIDS and it was horrible and I found them this morning
and-. I just can't, right now."
"Where's that Rob?" the officer asked after sharing a horrified look with John.
Amber looked around the room. His blanket was missing, but for a corner from
the bed. She pointed, but didn't say anything.
Ryan took a step back so they could see him cowering in a hole along the bottom
of the wall. As soon as Rob noticed them looking, he shot over to a weak
looking wooden shelf and scrambled up to get into a hole in the ceiling.
Rob crawled as quietly as he could over to the other side of the ceiling, over
to his baby and stolen pile of fruit. He could hear the baby start to fuss so
he got it to latch onto his chest to not only quiet it, but relive some pain of
his own. Every time he was given a baby, or now that he had stolen, he let it
suck on his chest for a reason he didn't know. And every time he did, his chest
started to hurt but the baby helped him.
"Rob?" Amber called. "Come on, Rob. Get back down here right now, baby."
"How old is he?" the man asked, taking a break from the anxious boy.
"Oh, uh, nineteen," she answered easily. "He's nineteen.
"His name?" he inquired, taking his notepad back out.
"Robert Ross. Robert George Ross. We just-."
"I need to ask again, sometimes. By now I'm just going through to finish this
call the way I have to, but you know the people who really do abuse their kids
can't always keep up with their lies. Just what I have to do. Do you think you
could get him out?"
"Sure, I'll try."
Ryan went to the corner and stood with his head down. He was starting to shake
and thought he seriously might throw up that bite of pancake onto Rob's floor.
Jon followed. 'Who's blood?" he whispered.
"It's not mine," Ryan promised, almost silently. "I've never left the first
floor, before."
"Ok, good."
Ryan nodded and stepped aside to wait.
The man turned to look in surprise at his partner and guides. "Does he not
speak English?"
Amber shook her head. "No, he doesn't."
John gave her an odd look. "He doesn't speak English?"
"No. He-. He has trouble speaking anything."
Rob hung onto the splintered wood and hung his head upside down through the
hole when he got tired of holding his baby. He put it back to bed with a kiss
so he could go and investigate.
"Rob."
He looked from all the faces in the room. "Where do you come from?" he asked,
awe in his voice.
"What are you doing? Stop that, now," Amber said. Come down already.
"Sorry," he said and giggled deeply.
"He only knows a little English," Amber added quietly.
Rob spoke again, but they seemed as confused when he spoke as he was when they
spoke.
"Rob!" Amber snapped.
"Relax," John said. "He only doesn't understand."
Amber dropped her jaw and picked it back up again to stutter, "You're right.
I'm just having a rough time with the babies right now."
John nodded to her, and then reached slowly out for Rob's wrist, holding their
eye contact while he got closer and closer.
Rob let the man guide him down, but instead of falling or using the shelf to
find the floor, he floated on the man. He didn't understand. It was like he was
falling but he wasn't moving.
John bounced him higher. Even being skinny, he was heavy. Still, he held him
higher to get a good look at his eyes. He seemed spaced out and looking like he
was ready to cry. One eye was all cloudy white and the other looked pretty
normal, but it didn't follow anything. "Rob?" he said and that was all he could
do to get him to turn his head.
Ryan stayed back in a corner and studied the blood stain on the wall while he
waited.
Rob looked from face to face. He could see a bigger blob of white on top of the
yellow one, the one he was floating on. Then a dark brown blob on top of Blue.
Finally, a white and very light and also very dark blob on top of Ryan. They
were making up nonsense words. He said back to them, "I don't know what you're
saying," but in his own words.
"Amber!" Jack called from the first floor.
"I'll be right back," she said and hurried away though she didn't want to leave
Ryan alone with the CPS, just to have another chance to confess. She gave him a
nasty look on her way out, one John and Officer Greg couldn't see.
"We're gonna get Ryan out because his life is in danger, currently," John
explained, though he was aware it didn't matter because Rob couldn't understand
him, anyway. "And clearly no one here has the parenting skills to take care of
you. How-. Does anybody know how old he is? Amber said like three different
things, already."
Rob stared.
"No," Ryan answered.
"Let's go-."
"Hey!" Rob snapped, jerking forward.
Ryan wrung his hands and walked past the man trying to hold him back and found
his knees in front of Rob. "I'm sor-."
Rob pushed the blue man off him and brought a heavy hand down on Ryan's head.
He reached under to hold Ryan's face up to keep hitting him even when he went
limp. He kept pounding until the blue was able to pull him off and hold him
together, unable to get away. He wouldn't stop screaming and struggling. His
chest twisted and he got scared, but only from not being able to discipline him
when he needed.
The man knelt down to find Ryan unconscious while his partner held back Rob. He
checked Ryan's pulse and called to him until he woke up. "Here, you're ok," he
promised while sitting him up. "You're fine."
"Sorry," he mumbled.
Rob twisted so he wouldn't have to watch and shoved his face to the blue
thing's chest. He whined and groaned and tried hitting the thing, but the thing
was stronger.
"Now, why would you do that?" the man snapped while he tried to get Ryan to sit
down on the bed until he completely refused and moved to lean up against a
wall.
Rob tried to yell but was immediately quieted. He was shaking with the effort
to stay quiet, but said what he needed to.
Both John and Greg turned to Ryan, hoping for a translation.
Ryan shrugged. "I- I don't know what he said, but I know he gets in trouble
when he doesn't hit me. They hit him."
"They hit you if you don't hit him?" John asked, turning back.
"Sorry!" Rob screeched. "Sorry."
Rob flinched when the man reached out to pet his head. "They're not up here,
ok? They won't find out. You're fine."
Rob just about collapsed with his sobbing and wrapped his arms around its
waist. He was only soothed by a soft smacking on his back and a relaxing
hushing sound.
"Just relax, ok? It's no big deal. They're not gonna know you didn't hit him
enough this one time because none of them are up here and none of us want you
to hit him, anyway."
Rob sniffled and twisted to get his legs to hang off the edge so he could
stand, hauling himself up with an one of the yellow arm's from the mattress on
the floor. Carefully, he took the shoulder of the yellow one to get closer. He
touched the yellow one's cheek and pulled his eyebrow up. A low huff left him,
but he got no return.
Rob took Yellow's arm to hold while he leaned over to take Ryan's and drag him
closer. He tipped Ryan's head around, too, to look. He lifted his shirt and
then John's to make sure they all looked the same.
John lifted his head when he recognized something Rob was saying, but put his
head down again when all he heard was a mush of words he must have picked up
without knowing how to use properly. Rob kept rambling, even while John looked
closely at his eyes again.
He decided he was bored with just sitting there while they ignored everything
he was telling them, and so bounded back up to the ceiling.
"Oh, don't go up there, again," John called too late. "Rob, you might fall
through and really hurt yourself."
Rob ignored it and crawled to the far side where he picked out a banana from
his pile to bring back down, moving deftly so as not to wake his baby that was
doing so well with being quiet. He was back on the bed in no time and brought
Ryan closer instead of bothering to stand, again. The banana opened easily in
his expert hands that went on to break off the end for Ryan.
When the first piece was gone, he gave another. All until the banana was gone.
Ryan, dizzy and nauseated still, thought to speak up again. "I think we should
go back down now," he mumbled, teetering on his feet so much that the
investigator came to steady him since he still would not sit. "They'll get
suspicious."
"Yeah, ok. You're right. Rob, you can come with us, if you want to."
"Where do you go?" he asked, not wanting to let go. "Don't go."
A heavy sigh left John before he twisted his wrist free and started back off.
Rob seemed to be pretty safe up in his own room.
Rob furrowed his eyebrows, but scoot off. He got down off his bed and sat on
the floor to wait to follow them. He liked them all so much, he was going to
explore with them.
Ryan led them to the little hole in the floor with the steps descending. He
wasn't allowed to be lead in anything, so he let the police officer go first,
then Rob, then John. He followed.
Greg went down almost backwards for the first few steps to watch Rob. The
stairs were narrow and plentiful. It only took him a few to slip.
Rob whined when his arms flew out in front of him. He tried digging his toes
into the wood, but he was slipping. It would be nothing new, he fell every
time, he just didn't like it.
Greg took Rob from under the arms and walked back to erect him just far enough
for him to lift. Rob wasn't heavy at all, which was slightly concerning, as he
wasn't too strong at all. Still, he picked him up higher, and very slowly, on
the unguarded flight of stairs. Rob hitched his breath while he was being
maneuvered, but still, Greg wouldn't let him go down on hands and waist to
tumble to the bottom. Rob wouldn't, or couldn't, let his legs separate, so he
tried wearing him like a sash to get him down.
Rob smiled when he was secure and looking back at his Yellow. His tongue stuck
out in delight of the new experience. Yellow smiled back and said something
else. His tongue fell back out, not sure what he said or caring enough to
inquire. And when Yellow stuck his tongue out, too, Rob nearly lost it as he
laughed so hard with his first playmate.
Greg, knowing he could stand, set Rob down on his feet when they finished the
second flight of steps and were back in the main room. He didn't let go,
though.
With stretched out arms, John helped to hold up a very wobbly Rob. Rob hopped
to him. He backed up again, and Rob came forward, now panting with delight and
a bright red, chunked tongue slipping out of his mouth. He was gripping his
shoulders tightly and hopping to him every time he backed up.
Greg watched from behind and stopped them to try and move just one of Rob's
legs. "Look, do you see?" he asked. They were alone, everyone having retreated,
apparently. "His legs move together. Like one."
Rob pushed John back gently so he would walk again
John smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I see."
His laugh was deep when he went to pull Yellow back in to rest his head on its
shoulder. It kept saying something, but he ignore it and squeezed it. It
squeezed him back and he liked it.
"Rob," John called one more time. He pulled his head back far enough to see the
boy's face smiling and still giggling with his tongue out.
"Call him Dog," Ryan suggested.
Rob lifted his head and turned to his name. He couldn't help but smile at his
friend. He had never been so happy, before.
"Dog?" John asked appalled. His expression was full of worry when he looked to
meet Rob's eyes.
"Or Thing."
A heavy sigh left him when Rob's eyes went back to Ryan. "Jesus Christ," he
sighed. The old hardwood floors creaked when he stepped back to put Rob down
before he could start for the back door, Amber with them or not.
Rob whined and made his way back in front of Yellow. He rubbed his head on its
knees, but when that didn't work, he reached up his arms. It picked him up
again and let them hug while something pounded down the steps.
Amber rolled her eyes almost playfully when she reached them. "Very cuddly. I
just wish he would use his crutches more often. His school is trying to make
him use them when he's there, but he just doesn't put up with it. The physical
therapy is helping, some, though."
He let Rob hug him, leaning for support while he listened to her bullshit. The
kid had made up his own language because nobody talked to him and had to crawl
on the floor and fall down steps because of something he had no doubt in his
mind was created from abuse and neglect. "He's 20 and in school?"
"Well," she started quietly. "He's special like Ryan. Rob is just a little
worse, though. So he does go to a place like a school where they try to help
him learn, everyday."
He tried not to roll his eyes at her lie. She really had no empathy. And no
trouble coming up with quick stories. It was insulting the way she told him he
went to have physical therapy and the luxury of crutches, when the poor boy was
so neglected that he had to crawl around the house. That he, of them all, was
roomed in the attic and probably didn't even know what a crutch was. "Ok," he
said, trying not to sound too blunt. "Let's just take a look outside."
Rob whined when he was helped slowly to the ground. He followed more slowly
until they reached the door. He hid his face and shook his head when the door
was held open for him and one spoke, again.
John led Ryan down to the grass and stood in front of a hole that looked like
it was trying to lead under the fencing that blocked off the under of the deck.
A large metal collar sat in it with two strait, metal bars near it. One bar and
the collar were chained to the deck. The bars had a master lock on each end
where a piece could swing open. The collar had one, too. "What's this?"
"Oh, well those were the chains for our old dogs. We, um, used to have more
pits, but now it's just Gizmo."
"So what are these chains still doing here?" he asked while he took out his
camera. Getting closer, he could see the hole was dug by human hands and had
human foot prints the size Ryan's would be along the sides. He could see where
Ryan might try and curl up that would put the prints in the right spot.
"Well, Jack hasn't scrapped them yet."
"What is this for?" he asked, starting to get angrier when he kicked the bar
that was not chained to the deck. "This chained a dog to your house with no
chain?"
"Oh, well, Jack scrapped that one."
John scrubbed his face, no longer able to keep up his act of believing every
word she said now that he had gotten to the most brutal and the most secretive
parts of her life. The bar dug into the dirt when he pushed it. If that piece
was that heavy, then there was no way, even by looks, that dog or man could
hold up the collar if once around the neck. "Why on Earth would a man scrap one
chain and not the rest? And I thought you had two pits. So what is this third
piece for anyway?" he asked, shoving words into her mouth to see if she would
even be able to remember she hadn't mentioned a number. He thought if she was
going to do this at all, she could at least be a better liar.
"Don't ask me. Jack is-."
"No, I'm asking you," he snapped, voice rising. "Why are there three restraints
and why are there two chains? What are these used for, Amber? Even if these
were used for big, strong dogs, this would be animal abuse. A giant collar and
/bars/?"
"I feel threatened."
"Frankly, I don't give a damn. I wanna know. And I'll be back tomorrow for
answers. Maybe by then you'll have your stories strait. I want explanations for
the bloody whip, the spent TASER, the crippled boy who can't speak English, a
police report for the crash he was in, the bloody cage and wall, and why this
'mentally challenged' boy is in such bad hygiene a sewer rat couldn't match
him. I'll be back tomorrow and I want to see him here. Not at his dad's. I'm
gonna see him bathed and in a new set of clothes if I have to take him away to
do it. And you can call his teacher or his father or who ever to tell me the
story behind every bump and bruise on him. If he isn't here and he just happens
to be back at his father's, I'll go see him there. And I have a feeling you
don't want that."
She looked appalled and held her chest. "I think your search is over, sir, and
that you can go, now. Or I'll call the police and tell them two big men are
threatening me."
"I'm not threatening you and he hasn't spoken a word. I'm here on a warrant,
and I'm also smaller than you. I'm just telling you what I'll expect from you
when I come back tomorrow with another warrant to see Ryan and Rob, again."
"What does Rob have anything to do with this?"
He sighed. "I'm just telling you that I'll have Rob's name on the list, as
well. I have no proof, only a very slight suspicion. And, as a child protective
investigator, I have to work off the slightest hunches. It's nothing personal,
ma'am, I'm just trained. As, if I don't, I could find out later that this is
some house that cycles through kids and keeps them locked in cages. And that's
not what it seems like to me at all. It seems to me that this is a very
respectable and safe environment for all the children residing. I'm only doing
my job."
Amber visibly relaxed. "You're right. It is a great place to grow up. I grew up
here under the same rules and so did my sister and brothers."
"Yes, I'm sure everything is wonderful, but I just legally have to check in on
every kid with the slightest suspicion. Now, I still have to just document
these chains on paper. It'll only take a second. Why don't you take Ryan back
inside?"
Ryan hesitated before following. He stopped to lock eyes with John to try to
beg him to take him one last time. Though, Amber was getting impatient and
called his name sweetly before he jerked and hurried along.
The back door creaked loudly and banged closed behind the two men. They walked
in to find Ryan standing tall and still next to Rob sitting up and looking
guilty on the floor. "We'll be back sometime tomorrow afternoon to have another
chat before we can close this case."
"Thank you, sir. Have a nice day."
"Yeah," he grunted.
Ryan didn't think he could take another bad day and was already forming a plan
to kill himself that he was sure would slip by Brendon. If he could get home at
a time Brendon wasn't outside, which should be easy considering Brendon had
been sleeping all day as of late, he could run inside and grab the gun after a
last hello to his father. Ryan didn't like goodbyes, so he wouldn't have
another.
Rob was the first to be thrown flat on the ground. He was used to it and knew
it would get quiet and dark soon enough so he could wake up with dull aches and
his mess of blood to clean up. After that, he could get on with tightly packed
day. He had floors to cover in glue and walls to color blue, along with a baby
to take care of before he could have his nap.
Ryan didn't even have to wait for Amber to finish because Jack had joined them
in the room and got to work right away. Jack was a stocky dude, all muscle
except for his beer belly, just like his Uncle Earl. Ryan suspected his Uncle
Earl wasn't exactly a product of both his grandparents, so he tried to think
about it as much as he could while he was being kicked right in his spine.
Brendon might get lucky as Ryan didn't think he would be able to walk, or move,
for a very long time after this.
_______________
Ryan lifted his head and tried to pry open his eyes to look around and see Rob
still unconscious in his spot. He actually thought it was possible he had been
paralyzed for a moment while he pulled himself onto his stomach until he worked
his toes into the ground to help himself up more. They were the only ones on
the level by the time Ryan had stirred, so he decided he would clean up Rob's
blood along with his own after he felt they still had a bond between them, no
matter how quickly it had formed.
Rob lifted his head up and couldn't help but to groan when he felt the hot, wet
rag that was being held to his lip as it was busted and bruised. It was Ryan
who had hushed him and stroked his hair until he rest his head, again. He saw
Ryan had already cleaned up after him, and that made him want to smile, but he
couldn't manage it. He wasn't even able to mutter something in appreciation to
his best friend of six years because he was so exhausted. He was worn mentally
and physically even if this life was all he'd ever known. He wished there was
someway out, or at least someway to know what everyone else knew. He only
wanted to go where everyone was the same because living as the dog when they
all looked the same was no fun at all. Life seemed perfect for all of them
while he just kept getting more and more tired and longed more and more for
there to be a way out. The doors Ryan and George often took seemed to be it,
but he also wasn't ready for that, either. He wished he could have done what
that old man did. One day he was there, living with the rest of them while Rob
got to wait on him, and the next day he was gone and still hadn't returned.
That was why he loved his babies and why he had stolen some from them, so he
could see if he could give them a life not like his own.
"How do you go?" Rob finally asked, his head still being cradled by Ryan at the
chin while the hot rag started to lose its edge.
"Just stay quiet," Ryan said, wishing he could answer to whatever the clearly
broken hearted boy had said to him. "You're going to have a fine night and that
John is going to get you out just like me. Maybe they'll even find out how old
you are so you can find a mother and father who love you," Ryan nearly
whispered, feeling warmer to the boy by the minute and more optimistic ever
since he woke back up. He wasn't going to kill himself because he knew Brendon
would be able to make him better so they could both enjoy many more days
together, neither of them down. He wanted to get Brendon a gift when he got
home, again, instead of giving him a dead boyfriend.
"Why can't you say what I say?" Rob asked, mumbling almost only to himself. "I
want to know how you get out. I want to get out. You can take me next time you
go and I'll bring my baby."
Ryan kept stroking Rob's hair and muttering hopeful, nonsense words to him
until he fell asleep by his own means.
_____________
Amber threw a blanket over the crate Ryan was in when he started to shake and
rattle it and scream. She had opened a new app on her phone and played the
sound of babies crying while the kids whined at him.
"Just leave me alone!" He screamed. "Please!"
"Oh, shut up. You big baby."
______________
Ryan was rudely awoken from where he slept in his cage when Rob came tumbling
down the steps groaning and moaning. Thunder cracked after lightning flashed
that made Ryan quiver and Rob run.
Rob hated that banging and flashing and the pattering that could get so hard in
the roaring it woke him up. His room often shook, so he had made sure to put
his baby in the hole, out from the ceiling. He ran from the steps to the
kitchen and back to the steps, nearly knocking over the huge dining room table
every time he passed underneath it.
"Rob," Ryan hissed, much preferring calling him a human name he didn't know
than just Dog, even if he answered to it. "Rob, shut up."
His head snapped over when he heard Ryan talking, even sounding scared himself.
That was no good, so he rushed over and added himself to the already cramped
cage. He hated that Ryan then asked him to retrieve a drink by moving his hand
like he was holding a bottle, the way all the others did, but he was only upset
because his stomach hurt so much. Though for Ryan, he would do anything. Even
go back for a different bottle when the one he brought was not good enough.
Ryan couldn't accept the beer because it would make him too fat, but he still
urgently needed a drink. He guessed Rob could tell the whiskey had not
satisfied even when he took it, because he came back with vodka just as the
storm picked back up again even harder than before. Ryan was already terrified
of thunder storms, maybe because he was so often put out and metal clad before
being left alone. So having Rob so scared he screamed and ran away halfway
through reaching to take back the vodka for a try didn't help to calm Ryan at
all. He liked the nights Brendon convinced his mother to let him stay over for
a sleepover with video games when he really just didn't want to be alone in a
storm. Brendon knew how to calm him down, but he was still struggling to get
Rob back to him to try the same trick.
Amber was the one who pounded down the stairs to look for the one who woke her.
Both the bottles of beer and whiskey were shoved from the cage by Ryan, and the
bottle of vodka was selfishly pushed into a pocket on the inside of his jacket.
He only had time to lay back down on his stomach, legs folded beneath him, and
hold the door shut with a single finger at the very bottom while Amber turned
and searched the room for him. Only when she turned to get Rob, in the kitchen
screaming, did Ryan get the chance to lock the bolts properly, and he almost
didn't even have time for that.
Rob hummed instead of screamed when Amber finally caught him by the table and
held his head up by his scruffy neck.
"You are so lucky I don't have a gun on me, fucker. Or should I go get it?"
Rob saw the lightning flash and flicker before his body grew stiff, then
started shaking.
She kicked the seizing dog aside and stomped over to the cage.
Ryan's instincts made him try to dig his feet into the floor, even though he
knew in the back of his head that he was only making things worse for himself.
And no matter how hard he tried, Amber would always be stronger. She drug his
by his coat outside to the collar and bars.
The chains rattled and clinked as he was secured to only to the bars. The
collar was a punishment for the day, so he was completely immobilized. Not that
only getting bars to stiffen his arms and legs was exactly a treat.
Ryan was able to lift his backside and lower his head to get the bottle to fall
from his pocket so he could lift it with his teeth and drink after Amber had
left. He downed half the bottle in a last ditch effort to calm himself.
Rob recovered from his last shaking fit and saw one of them by their legs. He
had no time to be obedient when he thought he heard his baby fussing. He
careened through the house and pulled it from the little hole in the wall to
put it on his chest, so it could suck and quiet itself. But when it refused and
wouldn't stop screaming, the only other way he had to quiet it was to squeeze
around its neck. And he had to, because if his baby was found, it would be
taken and he'd never see it again. He squeezed more frantically when he heard
somebody else was using his stairs. He squeezed and squeezed until the baby
turned blue in the face and some blood came from its nose. He felt bad about
making it bleed, but it was what he had to do. He left it a quick kiss on its
head and put it back in the wall just before his follower could drag him back
downstairs and lock him in Ryan's cage.
____________
____________
Ryan woke up in a puddle, a deep one from when he must have dug his hole
deeper. His head was in another puddle and just close enough for him to get the
bottle of vodka back by his teeth. He was left just enough time by himself to
finish the bottle and be miserable enough to think about rethinking his plan
for when he returned home. But when Jack came out, Ryan hadn't done anything
with the bottle.
"What the fuck is this?"
Ryan looked up and took his lips off the bottle. He was too drunk to be
concerned.
"After everything we've done for you? What is wrong with you? You think you can
steal our drinks and get yourself drunk?" he asked, roaring to an indifferent
Ryan. "And you've dug another hole? I have to keep buying dirt because you
think that when you're being punished you can get an easy way out! We put you
out here for a reason, so you know that you have to be disciplined when you're
bad. And you find a way out!"
Ryan laughed at how red the man was getting. "Yeah, man."
"Don't you talk to me that way," he said, groaning out words between kicks to
Ryan's side. He leaned down and ripped Ryan out of the puddle to quickly lock
his neck in the heavy collar. He dropped Ryan's head in the puddle, making a
big splash, and took the time the thing needed to stay under to get the bottle
and break it over his bars over his ankles. He took the sharp remains and dug
them strait into the skin he could see on its back, from where its jacket
flipped over.
Ryan sputtered as soon as his head was lifted, instead of gasping since he had
already taken a breath in. He spat up water and coughed, wracking his body
while glass was being dug deeper and deeper inside.
"That man is going to be here soon and you're drunk!"
Ryan couldn't answer. Before he was even done bringing up water and after the
collar had been removed, Ryan was ripped up to his feet to have his shackles
taken off.
Norma led him inside and up to the bathroom. But that's not where she stopped.
However drunk, Ryan knew what was going on when she closed the door behind
herself. "Are you serious?" he slurred. "I mean, yeah when it was night and we
were alone. But fucking for real?"
"Watch your mouth," she said behind a smirk. "You've been naughty, huh? You
stole and you're drunk. Oh and now poor Uncle Jack has to fill in that hole you
dug, again, doesn't he?" she asked in a cooing voice. "You need a shower and
then you can put on these clothes I picked out for you."
His eyes rolled and he wasn't very concerned as he stepped into the shower. He
closed the curtain and stripped, but it was quickly ripped back open. "Hey,
hey, hey," he said holding his hand up. She was topless. "I know how to do
this."
"Do you?"
"Well you just gotta turn this fucker up, right?"
"Oh, have you forgotten how to use a shower?" she asked. "Should I help you?"
"No, fuck piece. I've got it."
Ryan stepped back out of the shower when he was finished, still trying to shove
his nasty old aunt off and stumbled into the sink. He was freezing and she
wasn't caught because she had been sent up to make sure he didn't use any hot
water. "Get off," he snapped. "I'll call the police."
"My husband is the police."
"One of 'em."
"He's top dog."
"So go fuck him, you whore."
"Ooh," she gasped.
Ryan squared up with her and he tried to shove her back into the shower curtain
after she reached for him, but he was only pushed into the sink and pressed
against. "You're honestly the grosses piece of shit I've ever seen," he spat in
her face.
"Let's dry your hair!" she said and waved the blow dryer in the air. "Or
rather, mine. Because we don't want anyone to know about us, thing."
He shook his head and pulled his clothes on. The first time he was surprised
and terrified, but now it was more annoying the way she fawned over him. And
scary. But he wouldn't be returning, so he wasn't too anxious.
Ryan walked downstairs to see John was already down there and standing next to
his crouched police officer partner who was playing with Rob. He lifted his
eyebrows at the smile, hardly remembering he was supposed to be acting.
"How are you, Ryan?" he asked. They claimed Norma was helping him brush his
teeth after breakfast, but he had clearly come from the shower and he still
wasn't clean. "Are you doing good?"
He stumbled over to the man and rest his head on the other's shoulder. "Don't I
smell good?"
"Yeah, sorta. What have you done, today?"
"Um, I ate breakfast," he said, even drawing his words out like a drunk. "And I
brushed my teeth. And I took a shower."
"What did you have to drink, today?"
"Water," he said in a line of laugh.
"Water? What did you eat?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"
Ryan rolled his head on the shoulder he was still resting against. "I had
everything, sir."
"Well, that's good," John said as they stood in front of everyone still
watching. "Will you be back at your dad's tomorrow?"
"Yeah."
"And school?"
"Yeah."
_________
Ryan was sat back down in his cage after John left and after the new, soft
clothes were ripped from his body. Now that he was already there, he had to
stay for lunch, so he could make it. But Rob was still playing in the middle of
the floor. He was bothering the girl Brielle as she sat coloring in a book. She
was hitting him, but he didn't seem to get that she didn't want to play with
him after the police officer welcomed him so warmly. He had nothing to do, so
he watched almost lethargically and tried to understand what he might be saying
to her. He finally left her alone, but only to ask for something to eat.
Rob pulled his bowl around the room as he ate, the way he always did, but ended
getting in the way of the coloring book he wanted to play with, but wasn't
allowed to. He thought maybe it would only take some time before he got to be
like the rest of them. By then he would get a box of colors and shapes on that
thin paper to use them on. He was impatient, though, and wanted it right away.
He wanted more than just to have to steal his favorite color, he wanted to be
given his favorite color the way he saw the little ones were given everything.
But that was not a matter to worry about at the moment.
Ryan kept watching, studying the way he moved. He thought Rob would be agile
moving the way he did his whole life, but he felt he could crawl on the floor
just as good as Rob did. One of Rob's arms twisted in and wouldn't let his hand
face forward. He often tripped over it. And even living in the attic, able to
go up and down the steps as he pleased for six years hadn't taught him how to
do it. He still fell every time, sometimes even on the way up.
Rob slowed down with his food and looked up with worry to Ryan. Ryan only
lifted an eyebrow, but Rob knew what was going wrong. He was going to shake
again and he knew it. Rob rest himself flat on the floor, first on his stomach
and then to his back. He was restless, moving his head from side to side and
bending his legs or not for the whole time he felt sick before he could start.
He preferred the times he shook with absolutely no warning before, because all
the warning he got was a feeling of needing to be sick and a pounding ache in
his head that could last a long time before he started. He started to cry with
what energy he had, but had to stop because it was making his stomach feel
worse.
Ryan coughed, spitting something wet into his hand that wasn't quite water.
"Shut up!" Sue yelled. "You never can be quiet! Just shut up!"
Sue was Ryan's grandmother.
Ryan nodded. "Yes, ma'am," he said while he held out his hand to admire the
blood. He knew it couldn't be that bad because it was bright red. He was almost
positive as long as it was bright and not looking like coffee grounds, he would
be ok. Maybe John would even help him with it.
Rob whined at the shouting. He howled at the disturbance before the shaking set
in.
The noise caught Ryan's attention and made him look up. He'd seen Rob have his
seizures many times before, but this time Rob was turning blue. He couldn't
just let him choke and he knew no one else would help him. He was only kicked
back over when he started to choke on his saliva because he was on records and
could be missed. They would only need to dig a grave now that John claimed to
be done with the case.
His bolts could not be unlocked easily, but Ryan needed to do it. He was rushed
at before he could even make it to Rob, but not reached until he had turned Rob
over. Rob was paid no attention to while he was thrown against a wall, then to
the floor. After that, everything was black again.
____________________
Rob had gotten a beating, too. One that also rendered him unconscious. But this
time, he woke up before Ryan and had the chance to clean up after them, even
though there was only a small spill of blood from himself. Still, he took the
rag to Ryan and pressed it against its face like it had done for him. He
quickly woke after that and gave him a smile.
"Mom!"
Ryan shot up, not even realizing that he could have just been out long enough
for his eyes to close. Brielle yelled for Norma, who was just in the kitchen,
and turning around the corner with her sister and mother in law. He hurried
back to his cage, but not before testing out his foot that had to be on by a
broken ankle, and not before he twisted to disturb a rib worse than he ever
had.
_____________________
"Come on, thing," Norma called with her keys in hand. She had offered to take
it home again, something she never did, and was quickly granted the opportunity
to have it stink up her back seat and waste her gas and time.
Ryan figured it would be just what it was. He was put in the front seat and had
to keep throwing her hand out of his lap. It was all going as expected until
they parked in an almost empty store parking lot. "Do you need something?" he
asked, respect for her broken. He wouldn't speak up to anyone else, but she
didn't seem to care anymore and his fear for her was broken.
"Yeah, I do. Come with me."
He got out of the car willingly and was led to the back. She opened the trunk
and shoved him inside. "What the hell? Haven't you had enough?"
"Not yet," she said before crawling on top and closing the hatch behind
herself. She rocked up on her hips while she straddled his. Seeing him have to
hop and wince with each step on his way to the car had really gotten her so she
pulled over at her first chance.
Getting up from beneath her was not an option with how weak he was, even if she
looked like she could be sick like him. He could only sit from his waist and
rip her hands off his buttons. She had come prepared, though, and picked up a
full bottle of beer from the back seat to crash over his head. It didn't break,
but he was knocked out.
_____________________
***** Chapter 5 *****
Brendon didn't want to go to the doctor's. He knew he was going to be weighed
and he knew the number was going to come out much higher than it did last time.
He'd just been pigging out for the past week. Sometimes he felt extra hungry,
but a lot of the time he was just trying to not be sad about his dad or
stressed about the CPS stalking Ryan. Hopefully they would just assume he was a
bit stinky and go.
Before he could even step on the scale, Brendon heaved a heavy sigh. He tipped
his head back and let his squished-closed eyes face the ceiling. The woman
recording the number even laughed a little when he groaned and asked, "Have I
broken it yet?" through gritted teeth.
"No," she said. "You aren't going to break it. You're a very healthy weight,
Brendon."
"No. I think I'm secretly a cow. Just stuck in a boy's body."
"Brendon, would you stop?" Grace just about snapped.
Brendon got down when the woman tugged him a little bit. He pulled his shirt
out, off his body, while he looked to where she pointed to show him the number.
"Oh," he grunted. "Don't show my mom."
Grace rolled her eyes and hung back a little while Brendon went to the
examination room he was pointed to, to see the number.
She had certainly relaxed even from the past Friday and softly brushed back her
baby's hair. "I don't like what you said on the scale."
He ignored her all but for pushing his head closer so she would keep stroking
his hair.
"You know some people are so unhappy with the way that they look that they
won't even eat. Or they throw up what they do."
Brendon shrugged. "Yeah, I know. But you don't have to worry about me, I never
stop eating."
"Yeah, you eat then go to the bathroom. I'm a little worried right now, baby.
Why do you always go to the bathroom when you finish eating?"
"To pee," he said truthfully. "Why do you think we're here?" She didn't look
like she believed him. "What? Do you think I can just vomit in the two seconds
it takes to pee?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe." She kissed his temple. "I just want you to
know that you look really good, ok? You are thin, Brendon. And I will love you
no matter what. Even if you weigh a thousand pounds. And I'll bet Ryan would,
too."
Brendon smiled. "I just think I'm gaining weight, is all. All I do all day is
eat." He shrugged. "Maybe I'm thin, but I'm not healthy."
"We'll start eating healthy, honey. We have healthy things, but you just like
ice cream."
"I do like ice cream."
Dr. Arzt shook their hands when Grace let him in.
"What's wrong with you?"
Brendon looked to his mom to explain for him. She rolled her eyes, but still
said it for him. "He pees too much."
Dr. Arzt scoffed and had to try not to laugh. Of course he was quite friendly
with Grace and her son to begin with. He asked him the usual questions
concerning a UTI, though it didn't seem to fit
Brendon returned with a wrinkled nose to the room where the doctor still sat
talking to his mom. He handed the cup to the little man with glasses, brown
hair, and jeans on. He only reached back behind himself to the different
containers of urine testers and only glanced for the one that said UTI on the
front, written on some masking tape. "We'll just set this in here real quick,"
he said. "And I'll be back in a few minutes." He left.
"This is so gross," B said, staring at his cup of pee just sitting on the
counter. "This is like unsanitary or something."
"Shh. He's really cheap. And he's nice, so just stop."
The doctor was back quickly. "Oh," he said.
"What's the matter?"
"Hold on," he mumbled, sounding distracted while he reached for another test.
They all looked pretty much the same, just little white sticks, but the
different testers had different positive and negative signs.
"You just got a pregnancy test," B warned when he saw him open it up, He didn't
answer, though, and put some urine on it.
"This is Urie urine," he still mumbled, sounding very concentrated. He smiled
when Brendon laughed and reached for a third test while the second processed.
"What are you doing?" Grace asked. "Is there something wrong?"
Dr. Arzt turned back to them when the second came out positive. He showed it to
them and laughed.
Brendon looked to his mom.
"Grace, maybe you want to sit in the waiting room while I have a chat with B?"
She furrowed her eyebrows a bit, but nodded. "Ok."
The man waited for the door to close. "So, B, have you ever had sex before?
Like, recently?"
Brendon looked to the door while his face turned a hundred shades of red.
"Yeah," he mumbled. "So?"
"Was is with a boy? Does your mother know?"
"Yes and yes," he said with a closing throat. "So?"
"Well, good. We're going to have to call your mom back in so we can have a chat
with her."
"Why?" he asked, sitting up quickly. He wiped his eyes and his nose with his
long sleeves before he could be offered tissues. "Why? What does the test say?"
"It says you're pregnant, Brendon."
Brendon's eyes went to slits. "What are you? Stupid? I'm a boy! I have a penis,
not a vagina! I'm not going to bring up that I'm not a virgin anymore, after
she's finally forgotten about it, just because you think you can play funny
jokes!"
"Brendon, I've given you three. They aren't all wrong. And this isn't as
impossible as you'd think. Of course, nobody who this has happened to wanted it
to be news. It was always kept quiet."
"So why do you know?"
"I've done a little research on it. The tests aren't wrong."
"Clearly they are!" he snapped loudly. "I think I've already said this, but I'm
a boy! Would you like me to prove it to you? I am not pregnant, it probably
just didn't know what to do with boy pee since you don't pay enough attention
to pick up the correct test."
"Brendon, that isn't it. It should say negative. There is no difference between
male and female urine, only a difference between pregnant and not pregnant."
"Well then they're all false positives, obviously."
"Three tests with such high accuracy wouldn't all give false positives. One
hardly ever will."
"Except you won't just figure that all your tests are too old to be used or
that they broke or something because I'm still a boy! I cannot be pregnant no
matter how many tests you say come back saying I am."
"The tests are not old and they're not broken."
"Are you just messing with me? You are, right? You have to be. You think you're
funny, but you're not. I don't believe you, so just give up."
"I'm not trying to trick you. This is a very real, very rare, very kept quiet
condition. I can give you a website, ok? There are plenty of videos on it for
you and a whole bunch of information. You'll need my log-in, though, so I'll
give it to you and you can do some research. It's there for people like you,
but it's protected for your and other like you's safety."
"Can you just stop? Ok, you got me. I believed you for a second, but I get that
you're trying to be funny now. Now, just stop it, alright?"
"Should I bring your mother back in? So I can recommend some vitamins and the
ob. who is specialized in this, or maybe an abortion clinic that'll take care
of you?"
Brendon burst into tears and hid his face in his hands. "I'm not pregnant," he
whined. "This isn't funny, anymore. You're upsetting me, can you just stop?"
Dr. Arzt scoot forward on his wheelie stool and rubbed Brendon's leg. "I don't
mean to upset you, alright? But I'm not trying to trick you, I would never tell
you you have something you don't."
Brendon could hardly breath. "Why, why do you even have these tests?" he asked,
voice high and faltering. "Don't you have to go to a minute clinic or some
other special place for this?"
"No, I sometimes test patients I think might be pregnant," he said gently. "I
did test you accidentally, but I guess it's good I did, huh? Because now you
know and now you can do everything you need to make sure you and the baby are
healthy whether you decide to keep it or not."
"I don't wanna be pregnant," he whimpered, still hiding his face.
"Well how about I go get your mom so we can get this all sorted out. Ok?"
Brendon nodded.
Grace walked in to see her son sobbing. He laid down on his side when he heard
her come in and lifted his arm for her to rub his ribs, the way he always did
when he was upset. "What's going on?" she asked. "What happened?"
The man heaved a sigh. "Would you like me to tell her, B?"
"Yes."
Dr. Arzt swallowed and looked to Grace, who had put her hand up Brendon's shirt
to keep rubbing his side. "Ok, so, I went to give him the test for the UTI, but
I wasn't looking when I reached out and I accidentally gave him a pregnancy
test. It came back positive so I gave him two more. They all say he's
pregnant."
Grace wrinkled her nose slightly. "He's a boy. And this isn't funny, you're
upsetting him."
"The hormone that the test looks for is only found in pregnant women, or
individuals, rather. I would take him to an ob. To be sure he's alright. There
are only a few specialized in this, but I'll recommend to you the one in this
region. If he does decide to go for an abortion, you should do that through
this ob."
"Mommy, I-."
"Stop trying to be cute, Brendon. You're grounded forever and you're never
gonna see Ryan again."
Brendon sat strait up. "No, Mom. He has to be the daddy."
"This isn't a game of house, B. You're gonna have a real baby. A real one. This
isn't a game."
"I know, that's why I need him. Because this time it's gonna be better. I'm not
gonna die and he isn't gonna leave to have a different family and we're not
gonna hit it."
"So you lied to that man? Ryan is in serious trouble?"
"Mom, we can let him move in and he'll be away from his dad and he'll be with
me."
She pulled him into a hug. "This isn't funny. You aren't cute. This isn't going
to be fun."
"I am too cute. Ryan says. Like, all the time."
Dr. Arzt smiled nervously when Grace turned her glare to him. "I have some
vitamins, over the counter, I think he should get and an ob. that'll probably
prescribe some better ones," he said and handed her a piece of paper. "And, as
I said, he'll direct you with any abortions."
She breathed heavy and looked at the note in her hand. "Yeah, we might need
that," she muttered.
"No," he screeched and covered his mouth with sleeve covered hands. "No, you
can't make me. Mom, I want it," he said and moved to wrap his arms around his
stomach. "You can't make me, Mommy."
"You just found out you're pregnant two seconds ago, just mull it over."
Brendon fell to his side again, arms still holding his stomach. "No. No, no,
no. Mommy, you can't make me do it."
Grace looked apologetically to the doctor. "I'm sorry. Thank you."
He inclined his head.
"Let's go home, ok, doll?" she said gently, just trying to get him to come
along when she really wanted to beat him. "Come on."
Brendon got up slowly and followed her out. He waited quietly while she paid
for his appointment and followed, walking carefully, back to the car, with arms
still wrapped around his own waist.
As soon as their doors were closed, she glared holes through her son. "I can't
believe you."
Brendon waited only a moment, looking back at her, before he went back to
sobbing. "Mom! How was I supposed to know this could even happen? It isn't my
fault, you know!"
"Whatever, Brendon. We have to go home and have Ryan over so you can tell him."
Brendon whined. He twisted to sit in a very awkward position.
"Brendon, sit right," Grace sighed. "What's gonna happen if I crash?" she
asked, already back on the road.
"I'll die," he spat. "I'll die, if you crash. Crash, Mommy. Come, on, kill me,
Mom."
"Brendon!"
"Crash!" he screeched. "Run me into a tree, Mom! Kill me, kill me! I want you
to kill me, Mom!"
"Brendon, stop that!" she shouted and reached out to find his ribs.
Brendon shoved her off too roughly. "Crash, Mom! Kill me and my baby! I want us
to die! Just crash, already!"
Grace pulled into the nearest parking lot, a McDonald's before she was blinded
by her tears. "Stop, it!"
Brendon picked himself up to swing back down, hitting his head as hard as he
could into the top of the glove compartment. He did it again and again before
his mom could successfully hold him back.
Grace kneeled in her seat and faced Brendon. She held him under his arms, as if
she were going to lift him up like a little kid. This, as strange as it was,
was what went with the rib rubbing. It always relaxed him.
Brendon sniffled. "Won't you crash?" he asked calmly. "Say it was an accident?
Say I made you? Do it or I'll take Dad's pills when we get home."
Grace's breath hitched, she couldn't get it right again. "Stop it, baby. Don't
you want to finish being pregnant with your first baby? Don't you want to tell
Ryan he's gonna be a dad? We can figure something out to make sure you both get
to see the baby. You're both gonna get to be there for it. Don't you wanna be a
daddy?"
"A mommy."
She smiled for him. "Whatever you like, honey. You don't want to kill yourself,
though. You can still have an abortion if you want, but you don't have to. And
I'll get you some McDonald's, ok? See we're already here. Then you can have
Ryan over. You guys can hang out if you want, but you need to tell him, ok?
Please don't ever kill yourself. Or do anything like that ever again. You're my
favorite person in the whole wide world and I would die if you ever killed
yourself. Literally, Brendon, I would die. I can't live without you. And I
don't even care that you had sex, already. Ok? Does that make you feel better?
I know that you kids will be kids and you just didn't know that there could be
consequences like this. But now we're all going to work to make this better and
it will get better."
Brendon nodded. "Yeah."
She smiled again and let go of him. "Ok, baby. So I'll get you some food then
we'll clean a little bit, alright?"
He nodded again.
"I should be eating healthy," he said while they waited for their order.
Grace shrugged. "One time having fast food won't hurt you."
Brendon whimpered as she passed him the bag. "I eat when I'm sad," he mumbled.
Grace ruffled his hair up before dragging him over to kiss his head. "A lot of
people do."
Brendon began opening his sandwich after sipping on his milkshake. "I'm not
hungry but I'm gonna eat all of this because it's gonna make me feel better."
She sighed, still petting his hair. "I don't care what you do as long as it'll
make you feel better, right now. Eating emotionally isn't good, and I'll help
you find something to do instead, but I just want you to feel better, right
now. Ok? It's ok this one time."
Brendon nodded and slumped in his seat. Now he was embarrassed, too. He hadn't
really thought of what he was saying before he said it aloud.
____________
Grace kissed Brendon's forehead in the living room. They were done cleaning,
now, and he was getting ready to leave to find Ryan. "Ok," she sighed. "Just
hurry up, alright?"
B nodded.
_
"Can I help you, Brendon?" George asked, peeking out from behind the door. He
had a drink in hand as he was starting to feel too sick, but he had held off as
long as he could for his boy.
"Is Ryan here?"
George nodded. "Yes."
"Can you get him for me, please?"
George looked over his shoulder, to Ryan's broken door, and then back again.
"Is it important, Brendon?"
"Yeah, sort of. I just have to talk to him. It'll only be a few minutes."
He let out a sigh, looking back again. "I can't get him out of bed," he said
quietly. "He had a very bad weekend. He stayed at my mother's house and he had
a bad weekend."
"Ok," Brendon said, rocking on his heels. He knew it was getting bad again when
Ryan wouldn't get out of bed. "Do you think I could come inside to see him?"
"Oh." George looked down at the ground littered. "How important is this,
Brendon?"
"Very. Extremely."
"Can I tell him?"
"No."
George shot straighter and bowed his head. "You won't tell your mother I let
you in here, will you?"
"Of course not."
"And You won't tell her what a mess it got to be? I really respect your mother,
Brendon. She's a good woman. But I've let things go and it isn't nearly as nice
in here as when she used to come around."
"I promise I won't tell her."
Ryan didn't even think to moan something sad when he heard Brendon had come
inside from his very apologetic father. Brendon hadn't been in his house since
before his mother died and Ryan wished he had never come back in. He was
embarrassed about having to call over his shoulder, "Warn him about the rats,"
when his house used to be the cleanest of all of theirs when they were young.
"What do you want?"
Brendon shrugged, only making Ryan angry enough to only scare him. "Sorry."
"Well what is it? Don't you come around here and wake me up when I'm having a
shit day to just shrug at me."
"Ryan, I think you should be nicer to your friends," George called from the
tattered chair in the living room.
"Shut up!" Ryan screamed.
George shook his head and took a long drink.
"I feel terrible and he knows how I get when I feel terrible and I'm in great
pain and I'm stressed and he thinks he can just walk in here and embarrass me
and wake me up for nothing?"
"I'm sorry, Ryan," George mumbled. "You're right."
Brendon was rather surprised how Ryan could treat his 'sober' father. He knew
from when they were little that it wasn't that hard to boss him around, but
Ryan had never been mean, before.
"I have to hop," he kept on, though he had turned to whining. "I can't use my
foot and I think I just got raped and my back-."
"Oh my god, baby," Brendon said and quickly got to rubbing Ryan's shoulders as
gently as he could. The other visibly relaxed and quieted right down. "You poor
thing, baby. Are you serious?"
"Yeah I'm serious," Ryan murmured into his pillow. "And don't call me that,
he's right there and drinking."
"Oh." He was hoping to tell Ryan quickly in his room, now that he already had
to go inside, but he didn't want to take any chances, not even if it was slight
if he whispered. "Why don't you come to my house?"
"I don't want to, B. I can't move without-. Jack fucking kicked me right in my
goddamn spine and it hurts."
"I can carry you."
Ryan turned his head just enough to glare at him. "Fine, whatever. I'll go. No,
no. Don't fucking touch me, I can do it. I said I can do it!"
B led him inside, taking his hand and bringing him to the couch. "Mom, He's
here!' Brendon called.
"What's going on?"
Grace smiled. She had the doctor's note in hand, the one she would give the
school, to help prove themselves to Ryan.
Brendon sat down on the couch carefully and took Ryan's hand to drag him to
sit, too.
"I don't wanna make your couch all smelly," he said quietly. "Do you have a
towel?"
B shook his head. "It doesn't matter."
"I don't want to ruin it."
"Sit down, Ryan," Grace said. "Don't worry about the towel, just sit."
"Ok."
Brendon pulled him back and cuddled up to him, only to be shoved back and for
Ryan to snap, "Get off, you faggot."
Brendon burst into tears, sitting up and lifting his arms for someone to rub
his ribs or hold him out of habit. "Ryan."
Ryan looked from Grace to B. "Don't cuddle me," he snapped, but sounded too
unsure. "I'm not your boyfriend."
Brendon couldn't help his bottom lip sticking far out. "I know."
Ryan scowled at him. "Stop crying."
Brendon looked to his mom. She looked angry. "Ryan, I already came out to my
mom," he whined. "And don't push me."
"You did? What the fuck? Did someone make you?"
Brendon shook his head and went easily, letting Ryan drag him back to his side.
He folded up and set his legs over Ryan's lap, his face in the crook of the
other's neck. "But yeah, I did," he muttered, holding up his arms to give Ryan
easier access to his ribs. He slowly let his arm fall back down, Ryan still
rubbing.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly, into Brendon's ear. "I didn't know, ok?" B nodded
and put his arm around Ryan's chest.
"I love you."
"Boys?"
Brendon groaned, folding in closer before turning his head, craning his neck,
to see his mom. "This is Ryan. He's my boyfriend and he's really pretty and
he's also perfect."
"He's perfect after shoving you off him and calling you a faggot?"
He nodded. "Yeah. Cause he has to make sure nobody knows or else his dad'll
kill him, so he's careful."
Grace rolled her eyes and shook his head. She didn't like the way this boy was
treating her son, closeted or not. "I don't think he needed to push you and
call you a faggot just because his dad will be upset that he's gay."
"No, like, he'll literally kill him," B said. He had been thinking, and if
things went the way he wanted and thought they should, Ryan could get out
unscathed.
"B," Ryan gasped quietly, poking his ribs and making him squirm. "Don't tell
her."
Brendon shook his head. He knew what he had to do. "His dad is going to try to
kill him," he said to his still doubtful looking mother. "Remember that guy who
said he was Josh? Who was asking those questions? I was lying, everything I
said. Remember, I sorta told you at the doctor's?"
"I don't believe you," she said flatly, crossing her arms. "If he's so pretty
and perfect and you love him so much, you would have said something."
Brendon shook his head and nestled closer again. "No."
"What?" Ryan asked dumbly. "What? Is Josh a pedophile?"
"No, baby."
"Well what do you have to tell me? My dad said not to be too long."
Grace dismissed it, not sure what to think. She saw the bruise when Ryan looked
back and forth between them. "B, you should really say it," she advised, even
after she promised him she would.
"No, Mom. You can tell him."
She handed him the little note. "The first big thing you can do, honey. Tell
him, now."
"What?"
"You're gonna be so mad," B said, words sliding and getting high again. "You're
gonna get mad at me."
Ryan shook his head. He had absolutely no idea what it could be at this point.
"No, I promise." B kept crying. "Are you moving?" he asked quickly and grabbed
B's wrist. He was never gonna let go, they'd have to stay or they'd have to
drag him with. "You're not moving, come on. Are you moving away?"
Brendon shook his head and felt Ryan slowly loosen his fingers, letting his
hand regain some circulation. "No."
"Well, what? B, I promise I won't be angry. Just tell me please."
Brendon kept shaking his head. Ryan sighed. "Come on," he said, sounding tired.
"B, tell me. Why are you crying, Brendon?! What's wrong?! Are you not ok?!"
Grace really didn't like the way Ryan treated her son.
B shrunk back. "I'm pregnant."
Ryan rolled his eyes. Brendon was pregnant at least twice a month. "Come on, B.
You're scarring me. Just tell me, I'll help you make it better, ok?"
"I'm pregnant."
"Brendon if you don't stop right this instant and tell what is wrong with you
so I can try and help, I'm just gonna leave. I have things to do and you're
scaring me, you're freaking me out, so please, you need to tell me now."
Brendon showed him the note, which he only wrinkled his nose at, clearly not
taking it as any proof. He'd probably never seen one before and didn't know
what it was.
"This isn't funny anymore," he said firmly. "You're still crying and I don't
know why but I want to help and I can't do that if you won't stop playing
about."
"I. Am. Pregnant," Brendon said, getting in his face.
"You. Are. A boy."
Brendon sat back and pulled up his shirt to look at his still flat belly. "I'm
pregnant and you're a jerk," he told his stomach.
"Fine then."
"What?"
"When do you get your abortion?"
Brendon glared at him before pushing him over and slamming his hip with a
pillow. "It's yours!"
"Well, I should hope!"
Brendon groaned and hit him again before his mom took the pillow from him. "I
hate you," he spat.
"I don't think you're pregnant."
Brendon wined and shoved him back, he was still tipped, still trying to pull
himself up. He whined an 'ow' that B talked over. "I am, so shut the fuck up.
I'm not getting an abortion, I don't want one. I'm keeping it and you're gonna
fucking be there for it."
Ryan finally got B to help him back up. "Ok, let's say you are pregnant. One,
why not get an abortion because you're a boy and that's freaky and you're gonna
get teased, and two, how do you expect me to be there for it?"
Brendon pulled him still closer and folded up in his lap, again. "Mom, can we
keep him?"
"Ryan? You want me to let him live here after he got you pregnant?"
B nodded. "Mom, I swear. He's potty trained and he's good, he doesn't shout,"
he lied. "He's cute, now you can tell all your friends you have a cute kid
and-."
"I don't like it when you say stuff like that, B. That you think you're not
cute and too heavy."
"You think you're too heavy?" Ryan asked, pulling Brendon back to him, now that
he had sat up to tick things off on fingers.
Brendon shrugged and shook his head and nodded it, too. "I'll talk to you about
it later," he finally said. "But he's really nice and he behaves all the time.
And," he said, like it was icing on the cake. "You'd be rescuing an abused
little boy."
"Abused, Brendon?"
"B," Ryan said firmly. "Stop that."
"No, trust me, babe," he said before lifting his shirt. Ryan moved like he
wanted to tug it back, down, but he trusted B. "See?" he asked and nearly
gasped. He was dressed in cuts slashing back and forth across permanently
purple stained skin. "I told you. I was lying to the man. Ryan doesn't want to
go, he doesn't want to leave his dad and he won't. But, Mom, he clearly needs
to come out, to tell his dad he's gonna have a kid. When he does that, the
least that'll be done is Ryan won't have a home. I mean, it'll probably be
worse, but no matter what, he's gonna be homeless. You can let him live here."
Ryan only kept rubbing B's ribs, for both their comfort, now. He was still
unsure, but he knew it was no joke if Brendon would actually be thinking about
him telling his father. That was where everyone knew the joke went too far.
That was where he knew it was no joke. If B let him tell his dad, there was no
trick, not even a hidden resort to rescuing him.
"How do you think we go about doing that?" Grace asked. She was just going to
let a minor start living with her? With his home right across the street?
Brendon took in a deep breath to let it slowly out. He had been thinking, and
could find no other way, so far. "Well, maybe you can call Ryan's house. I
mean, Ryan you can pay a phone bill, can't you? Do you have enough?"
"No. Brendon, I have other bills. I haven't paid rent, yet, and we're running
low on drink and cigarettes."
"So I think what we should do is Ryan, you forget the rent ok?"
"K." Brendon seemed to know what the end goal was, he seemed to have everything
worked out.
"Don't pay it. You still have your phones, don't you? Pay the bill and get them
turned them back on. Then give me the number in school tomorrow. My mom can
call and your dad will answer, or you'll give him the phone, whatever. I don't
want you to tell him because then you'll be right there, in his face. You'll
have your things ready by the time we call, me or her, and you run over here.
Then we have to call the police and tell them he's after you, everything he's
done. We have to. He's arrested and my mom can adopt you if she technically
needs to."
Ryan's hands guided B to sit in his lap and face him. "I'm gonna die," he said
simply.
Brendon pouted. "No. We'll call at-. When would you like? Early? Late?"
"How about eight pm, is that ok? Let me have a whole last day with him."
B nodded. "You sure?"
Ryan took in a deep breath and gave the slightest bow of his head.
"So be ready at 7:30. Come over at 7:30, ok? Then we call and tell him and then
we call the police. Is that good? You can be here before we ever even tell
him."
Ryan nodded. "I mean," he shook his head. "Then what? I come here until he's
arrested and then-? Live by myself over there? I can't. I won't get his
disability, I could use MY money until it's gone, which'll probably not even
get me another month of rent, actually. I might have lights or heat. But I
don't even think that matters, they won't rent to me, I'm 17."
Brendon let him finish. "You're gonna live here. Right, Mom?" He turned to see
her shrug and nod. "You're gonna live here."
Ryan heaved a sigh. "Ok. Everything's going to be ok," he said optimistically.
"I'll be here before you call and, assuming, you know, your mom lets me, I can
clean myself up. I'll use my money, a little, I can get new clothes and I'll
get a job and it'll be fine."
Brendon nodded, crying again. He lifted his arms so Ryan could hold him up,
like he were going to lift a kid.
Ryan knew what to do. He scoffed when Brendon quieted down a little with it.
"You're gonna be a mom, but you're still a baby."
"I'm not a baby."
"Sure you are. You need me to hold you like one when you're upset."
Brendon glared. "Shut up."
Ryan smiled and pulled him in to kiss his nose. "I love you," he said. "Just
don't worry, ok?"
"Why are you so ok right now? Shouldn't you be storming around, screaming? Or
crying that your dad's gonna be arrested?"
Ryan shrugged. "I don't know. I feel differently about it sometimes. I guess-.
I don't know. I think this will be good, you know? I'll get out of there, I'll
be with you and apparently this baby and he'll be in prison. I don't want my
father in prison, of course. But he'll be forced to detox, quit cold turkey,
whether he likes it or not. And that's gonna be good for him. He can't carry on
like this forever. It's gonna help him, whether anybody likes it or not."
"Ryan, you-," Grace started. "You clearly aren't fed. You told me you were,
Ryan."
His head fell shamefully. "'M sorry."
***** Chapter 6 *****
His knuckles even ached when he had to knock on the wood door to get into his
science class, nearly ten minutes late.
"Where's your pass?"
He thought about apologizing for what he did the past Friday, when he sat her
down and told her everything. He would have to stop doing that.
"I don't have one."
"You're ten minutes late."
No way was he going to apologize to her, he decided. "I know."
"So what were you doing?"
"Coming here."
"Ryan."
His teeth grit together painfully. "Can you just fucking move so I can sit
down? I can't exactly walk right now, so you can go ahead and shut the fuck up.
I don't really give a shit that I'm late."
"Do you understand how mean you are?"
"Dude, I'm gonna fall."
Reluctantly, she moved out of his way to see him practically hopping to his
desk. Doing that showed her that his shoes didn't even have bottoms, they were
fake. "What happened?"
He couldn't meet her eyes and only shrugged while he pulled his bag into his
lap to try and find something to take the notes down on. "I don't know."
She could see there was even more wrong when he tried to get his notebook and
hardly moved his arm. "Come into the hall," she said.
Ryan sat on her office chair she brought up from its shortest height for him.
"Are you gonna go to the nurse?"
"No."
"Can you just go to the nurse?"
He shook his head, already coughing like he was trying to bring up a lung. "I
can't," he mumbled while he looked at the blood on his hand and wiped it on his
chest.
"Ryan," she hissed.
"Look, relax, ok? Brendon's already giving me shit about it. I'm not going to
the nurse and I'm not going to the hospital and I'm not gonna die."
"What happened to your ankle?"
"Something bad."
"What was it?"
He shrugged, but opened his mouth to tell her anyway. "You know the boy who
can't walk or talk?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's epileptic so he was choking and they don't care if he dies. I went
to help him and got knocked out and woke up with it."
"What happened to your arm?"
"What?"
She pointed.
"Oh. I honestly think I might have cracked a rib. Um, huh. I actually can't
remember how I got this one. Obviously, I was hit, but I forget why."
"Ok. So how about you go down to the nurse and-."
"No."
"No, wait. You go down and they'll get you an ambulance and you do your thing
and maybe they'll-. Tell them it was accident and they can release you after
you get treatment."
"No, I don't need another bill. And I don't know, I mean-. Like, I think-." He
cleared his throat. "Like I think I'm getting fat and it's either I'm gaining
weight, which I think it is, or I have worms. But either way I'm losing my
figure and how is the hospital supposed to let out a minor so morbidly obese he
can hardly move?"
"Ryan, are you serious?"
"Yeah. I mean, I've been good on Sundays but I ate some, like, dog food
recently and I didn't have a chance to get rid of it and I've been drinking
more lately which I think is contributing and I even fucking let Brendon's
mother feed me yesterday and I know I shouldn't have, but I've been depressed,
like worse, lately and I didn't even give a shit but now I do."
"You are no where near /morbidly obese/ and no where near being so big you
can't move."
He dropped his head and wiped his face even before the tears could spill. "And
I'm pretty sure the sores on my sides are infected and I don't know if they'll
let me leave like that and don't you need an adult or a parent to get you out
and my dad won't do that and-. I'm fine. Actually, better than you'd think. I
mean, I may die today, but things should go smoothly and I should be fine."
"Are you gonna kill yourself?"
"No, no. Not at all," he mumbled. "I'm just gonna take my chances because
Brendon thinks everything in this world will play out the way he needs it to
and he doesn't understand that bad things can happen."
"What do you mean?"
"It doesn't concern you."
"It does if you're talking to me and making me think you might die. You said
you're not killing yourself, so what? Should I send you to the guidance
office?"
"No thanks."
"So tell me Ryan," she demanded.
"All I'm gonna say is that I don't think you'll be seeing me tomorrow, but I
won't be dead. I paid the phone bill before I went back home from Brendon's
yesterday and I set it up and now all I have to do is give him the number."
"You're not being funny, Ryan. What phone bill?"
"It doesn't concern you," he repeated. "I-. Oh fuck, I'm getting out, ok?"
"I thought you didn't want to."
"Well now I have to. So just leave me the fuck alone and hope you don't see me
on the news. Not that anybody would care, anyway."
"Why must you speak so cryptically?"
Ryan dropped his head back with his eyes rolling. "Can I just get the fucking
notes, lady? Jesus Christ, why must you be so nosey?"
__________________
"We are going to have to inform the whole school," Mrs. Unecht said gently.
Brendon sighed and pushed into his mom again while he held the spot on his arm
that now had a bandage. The note only convinced them that they needed to test
him themselves and he had gotten a blood test done along with another urine
one. That was enough to get them, and now him, too. Because if the school was
testing him and saying it was positive, he believed it could be possible. He
had already logged into that dumb website, but he felt like a unicorn, still.
"Why?"
"Well, we need to make sure you're safe. We need all the students to know they
can't be roughhousing around you anymore. And the teachers need to know so
they'll be able to send you to the bathroom whenever you need or if you need to
go to the nurse if you're feeling tired, things like that."
"When will you tell the school?" he asked with his shoulders slumped. He had a
feeling this lady was just being a difficult and as evil as she could. Despite
what the website told him, he was pretty sure he would be able to conceal it as
a weight gain. Especially if what the website told him was true.
"Tomorrow. We can wait until tomorrow. We'll have a special morning show
announcement, just to tell everyone. They'll read things off a paper that we
legally need to hand out to the students, saying things like they shouldn't be
excited around you, they can't ask you questions, and if they do, you are not
required to answer in any way. You know, just new rules. And I'll need to send
an email out to all of your teachers, specifically. I can do that now or I can
wait until tomorrow morning, your and Mom's choice."
"Tomorrow," Brendon moaned. He wanted a nap at the nurses', but if that mean
anybody had to find out any earlier than necessary, he would be content with
just sleeping at his desk and maybe getting yelled at or a detention. That
would be fine.
"Tomorrow," Grace agreed when Mrs. Unecht looked to her. She didn't even like
her son's guidance counselor and could tell Brendon wasn't having much of her,
anymore.
___________
When Ryan burst into laughter from the seat right behind at him, at something
his German teacher was saying in German, Brendon went beet red. When he turned,
he saw Ryan's face was red, too, but it was clearly from alcohol warming him.
"What the fuck is she saying?" he asked, between wheezes while he sat doubled
over with his water bottle about to slip from slender fingers.
"Ryan, shut up," Brendon hissed. He had been glad that they could actually make
it to the second week without any outbursts.
Mrs. Lehrerin dropped her shoulders. Not only was she upset that he was
interrupting her, but she was also well aware of what was gong on. The last
time he got drunk in her class, he had promised her he was getting help and
showed her papers the school gave him and all. She did care for Ryan, after a
whole year of having him and now working on a second. He was a good student but
he was clearly having trouble.
Ryan laughed so hard he fell out of his chair and fell onto the floor.
Brendon gave the teacher an apologetic look while the rest of the class was
silent and watching. Brendon liked this class a lot because it was clear none
of them had any dislike for Ryan. But none of them knew how to react to the
third time Ryan was so drunk he was noticed because he fell down and was
slurring, so Brendon kneel next to him while he waited for the help the teacher
was calling.
"You're gonna be fine," Brendon promised Ryan, who was sitting slumped in a
wheelchair and starting to get stressed. "Babe, how many times has this
happened before?"
Ryan shrugged after a glance over his shoulder to see the man he didn't even
recognize from the office talking to his teacher. "Like, fucking a lot, dude."
"Yeah," he said with a nodding head. "Yeah, a lot. And it's going to be the
same."
"No, B. They'll send me away."
Brendon shook his head while he rest his hands in Ryan's, on Ryan's lap. "No,
baby. This school," he started and glanced to the man. "This school sucks.
They're not going to do anything. They're going to take away your vodka and-."
"No."
"They have to. And you're gonna talk to the, the guidance counselor and-."
"No."
"Stop. You have to and you know because you came to school and got yourself
drunk. You're going to talk to her and then you're going to sleep in the
Nurse's room and I'll come pick you up at the end of the day. I'll take you
home, make sure you get on the bus ok and then you can come over so I can take
care of you."
"Yay."
"No, Ry. It isn't funny. Any of this."
"Well, I'm not laughing."
He rolled his eyes and sat up to give Ryan a parting kiss, prompting the never
judgmental class to shift in their seats and make one students say, "I'm
actually not surprised."
Ryan had fingers slipped through belts loops and refused to let Brendon pull
away until he got a heavy hand sitting on his shoulder. It was that man from
the office. He looked up and dropped his hands.
Brendon's face was a renewed red when he got back to his seat. "Guys, don't
tell anyone," he said while Ryan was just going. "Just this class, ok?"
"Nobody will tell," Mrs. Lehrerin promised.
"Wait. Actually, tell everybody, ok?"
"Why?"
He shrugged and played with his fingers. "Just, like-. Cuz I'm gonna have to
come out, tomorrow."
"You don't have to come out, ever," the teacher said. "That's your choice when
to do it."
"No, you don't understand. I mean, I should get to choose, either way, right?"
"Yes. You do."
"No, should. You'll get an e-mail and it's gonna be on the morning show that,
like-. I don't know why they don't do it with girls, but I know they don't. The
guidance counselor just hates me, is all."
"You're not making any sense."
Brendon threw his hands up to wave it all away. "I know. You'll understand
tomorrow. Just tell everyone I'm really gay. But not Ryan. Don't tell anyone
he's gay, yet."
"What?"
__________
Brendon held Ryan's hands, swinging their arms nervously on the strip of
sidewalk that was their bus stop once they had gotten off. "Are you sure you
don't want to just come over now? Get it done?"
Ryan nodded. "I'm sure, B. I'm gonna be fine, ok?"
Brendon ignored Spencer's smacking him over the head on his way by and returned
his gaze to Ryan's. "At 8?"
"Mm-hm."
"Even if you don't show up?"
Ryan nodded. "Even if I'm not there yet," he confirmed. He wasn't sure what he
was gonna do yet, but he was thinking about taking his bike to go get himself
shoes and socks while he could, mainly to please Brendon. That way he could
show up looking even a little nicer than he had. "Even if I never show up. Call
me, hang up, call the police. Because he'll be after me. But I promise I'll be
out of the house in time, even if I'm not at yours. Ok? And don't you dare come
and get me if I don't show."
"So I can't come and see if you're ok? If when I tell your dad you're with a
boy and you never show and I think he might be hurting you?"
"Especially if you think he's hurting me. Look, I'm gonna be out of the house,
ok? I promise. But he might come outside to look for me before any cops get
here. He knows who you are and he might think you need to be punished, too. So
do not leave your house, do you understand me? Because this time, I won't be
the one to kill you. He will. Just sit tight and make sure somebody's coming.
Ok?"
Brendon nodded. He understood what Ryan was trying to say. He wasn't going to
obey, but he could understand Ryan's worries. "Yeah. I promise."
Ryan bent down to kiss him, even out in the open with the other kids in the
neighborhood still hanging around the bus stop like they always did for the few
minutes. "I love you," he said, no longer afraid.
"Love you, too."
Ryan squeezed Brendon's hands before letting go and turning away. There was
another tinted car facing his house. They didn't bother him much, anymore. It
had gotten to him, though, to come in on time. He took a deep breath of the
clean, outside air and opened the door.
As soon as he shut the door, Ryan had hardly been able to dodge out of the way
of a beer bottle. It smashed, some shrapnel hitting his neck and surely lodging
into his mess of hair.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Ryan sunk to the ground submissively and covered his head. He wasn't sure how
he felt knowing this was going to be one of his last beatings. But, then, he
didn't have much time to think about it while his father grabbed his elbow and
threw him into the wall. "What is this?" he shouted and stomped on his son's
clearly lame foot. Ryan bit his tongue and swallowed a scream when he heard his
bones crunch in his foot. He wanted to cry, it hurt so bad. But he'd been
through worse and only blinked away some tears. It must've been bad, because
when the man drug him to his feet he couldn't even stand on it the way he had
and was smacked back to the ground for not using it, probably.
"What are you? Crazy?"
Ryan only let out little grunts each time he hit another wall or the ground. A
bottle was thrown to his abdomen and winded him a little, but he was fine. It
was all normal until he was worked over to the other side of the room, to the
closet. The tiny little closet maybe two feet square. He tried to work himself
away, face the other direction and get his father to throw him that way again,
but his dad seemed set. He groaned when his back slammed into the back wall of
the closet and he watched with wide worried eyes when the door slammed shut. He
heard the lock click and knew he was done for.
Ryan hadn't been locked in the closet in over two months, he had thought it had
run its course over the years. The way the belt was used for a while then
tossed aside. Like the bleach and the frying pan. His dad had gotten bored or
lost the tools and found something else, only ever completely consistent with
the knife and the bottles, along with the bare fisted hitting and throwing him
around. And Ryan used to like the closet, it was his favorite. If he was locked
in Sunday night or Monday morning, even Saturday at midnight, he always got out
midday Sunday, when George had sobered up as best he could. But now Brendon was
going to call and expose him that Monday night, weather he showed up on time or
not. So, basically, Ryan was going to die that night. It was simple.
Ryan jumped up and tugged on the handle with desperation. "Sir?" he called,
even though he knew he wasn't supposed to. Maybe he could eventually rip the
handle off, if he tried hard enough. Or kick his way out. "Dad?"
Ryan's eyes grew wider when he heard an angry grumble and heavy stepping
getting closer. Now that he got what he wanted, he didn't want it anymore.
George ripped open the door and bent down to grab his son by the collar of his
sweatshirt. He brought their faces close together. "Do you know what's good for
you?"
"Yes, sir."
"Really? Because I would not be making any noise, if I were you."
"Daddy, can I come out?"
George let Ryan hang lower only to have room to bring back his arm and backhand
the other's face. "What have I told you about calling me Daddy, you useless
fucking piece of fat ass trash?"
"Sir, please. I'm sorry, sir. It was a mistake. Can I please come out?"
"You think you get rewarded for mistakes?" he yelled.
"Please, sir! Daddy? Dad, it's me! It's Ryan, your son! Please, let me out.
Dad, please? Sir! Please!" Ryan even started sobbing, which was either helping
him a little or sentencing him to death. "I need to be out of this closet.
Please, Daddy, you don't understand." He tried to find his father's waist to
hug and his shoulder to cry on while the man was surprisingly not trying to
kill him already.
Ryan grunted when he was thrown back to the inside wall in the middle of more
begging. "Please!" he yelled, only to be kicked between the ribs and winded,
unable to move while the door slammed shut. He had resigned, he was hopeless.
There was no way out and he knew it. The door locked on the outside and if
after six year of it's own abuse, whether from him trying to get out or stray
bottle breaking and his body thrown into it, it was not broken already, there
was no way the weak, malnourished Ryan had any chance. He only tried to sit as
far from the corner he had to occasionally use as his bathroom and ignore the
burning, swelling foot to try and have a nice few hours to reflect on his
miserable life.
Only a few hours in and Ryan's heart felt like it had stopped. He had mistaken
the door bell for the phone he kept telling himself he was hearing. Once he
relaxed, he was able to see hope. His dad never answered the door, and if this
person was persistent, would take him to do it. He could run. His foot hurt
like hell, yeah, but he could run.
George hit his fist into the side of his head when the door bell rang again,
then once more. He groaned loudly on the way for his gun.
Ryan smiled up nervously at his dad. Why did he have his gun in hand? Did he
already know?
"Get up," he barked, waving him with the pistol. "You answer the door and I
swear to fucking god; you run, I shoot. I know you're trying to get out of
there."
Ryan nodded and pulled himself up, using the walls the wedge his arms until he
was too his full height. George kicked him with an angry grunt to the ground.
"You have two feet!"
"Yes, sir," Ryan mumbled. He got back to his feet and tried to use his ankle.
"Limp in front of whoever's at the door. I dare you."
Ryan inclined his head and tried harder. His dad took position next to the
door, both hands on the gun, and waited to escort him back to the closet. Maybe
if Ryan could hold whoever was at the door long enough, his father would get
distracted by something so he could go. But Ryan wouldn't dare, even if he
thought he could get to the porch and close the door, try and run with him
right there, for he wasn't so sure he could run anymore. He was nearly
screaming in pain on the way, but had bit his lip.
A man in a FedEx uniform stood. Ryan could see a FedEx truck, but with it's
window's tinted. A red line was just visible to Ryan on the front license
plate. A Bluetooth was on the guy's ear and Ryan could see a little black thing
connected to his collar. There was another on his hat.
"I think you have the wrong door," Ryan said calmly, not skilled in the art of
receiving packages enough to know the man was wired. He noticed everything, but
he figured it was normal. "This is 203."
"Do you wanna step outside for me?"
Ryan could hear his father jostle the gun on purpose. He shook his head. "No,
sir." Ryan swallowed and stood perfectly still while the man took a step around
to see the bruise on his neck.
He touched his neck, trying to show Ryan what he was talking about, as the
child was obviously acting strange, maybe because the father was near. "You
ok?" he asked quietly.
Ryan nodded. "Fine, sir."
"Do you want to come with me?"
Ryan cleared his throat to cover up his father hissing, "Hand off the door,
fucker." "No, thank you."
"So where's your dad?"
Ryan swallowed nervously and flicked his eyes to the side.
"Right there?"
Ryan, eyes wide, nodded and swallowed again. His mouth was dry and he was
sweating. He made sure not to move suddenly and not to hold the door, even for
balance.
The man was just hardly whispering, more like trying to mouth all his words.
"Do you want to come with me?"
Ryan shook his head, hoping the man would keep it up. His father wouldn't shoot
him in front of somebody, he wasn't crazy, but he might get tired and go for
another drink. Then Ryan could go. Maybe not with the man, but he could go to
Brendon's a little early if he needed it. He could get his shoes the next day.
"Just come on," he muttered, nodding his head urgently. "I know it seems weird,
but I swear. I'm gonna help you."
Ryan willed the man to go on, maybe a little louder so his dad would know he
wasn't just standing around, taking advantage of being out of the closet. "Yes,
sir."
"Will you come?"
Ryan moved his eyes to indicate his father as right there, again.
"Do you want me to knock in a few minutes?"
He shook his head as little as he could, so his dad wouldn't take it as move to
leave, by mistake. "Stay," he said, a little gruffly. "Please."
The man held his hand out, but pulled it right back when the boy widened his
eyes urgently and lifted his chin sharply. "Come on," he urged. "Let's go. I
can help you."
"I can't," Ryan choked out.
"What's he doing?"
Ryan's eyes flicked from the black piece on the man's hat, to the thing on his
collar and the phone on his ear.
"Just step outside a minute."
"Keep talking," Ryan demanded, shifting on his foot.
The man looked down, turning his hat to catch the foot, clearly swollen. "Are
you ok?"
"I'm fine."
"Dude, come one. I'll fucking carry you. Just come with me."
"I can't."
"I can call for more help."
"Shh, quiet," Ryan warned.
He returned to whispering. "I'll get more people out here. Police, too. We're
gonna get you out."
"Who called you? Who reported this?" Ryan asked, trying to buy himself more
time, while his dad was clearly getting bored, rolling his neck. He tried to
make it sound like he was in some important conversation that wasn't ending,
just yet.
"Hm? I-I don't know, man. Do you need help walking? Just come on outside and
close the door when he goes. I'll help you to the car and I'll take you to get
help."
"Where, sir?"
"It doesn't matter, does it? Just a children's home, first. We'll get you
cleaned up and we'll get you fed and watered. Do you want that?"
Ryan seized up when the gun jostled again, sounding more impatient than before.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I want out of here, I just can't go, yet."
"I'm with the CP-!"
"SHH!"
He pulled out his badge to show the kid, instead.
"Who called you?"
"I've got no idea, man. I don't get told that stuff."
"What time is it?" Ryan implored.
"What?"
"What time is it?!" he hissed. "Don't you have the time, sir?"
"Oh, oh. It, um, it's like-."
"Not like. What time is it? Right now?"
"7:18."
Ryan smacked a hand to his forehead and whimpered. "Are you fucking kidding me?
Already?" It felt like days had passed while he waited, but Ryan had thought it
had only been a couple hours, real time.
"Why what's the matter?"
"Oh!" Ryan nearly jumped, putting out his hand excitedly. "Do something for me!
Please, sir. Please, you have to!"
"What? What is it?"
"Go to the other side of the court and-."
George cleared his throat and stomped his foot. "Let's go."
"I-." Ryan started to look to his father, but played it off as glancing over
his shoulder. His father had lifted the gun by the time he brought his head
back around. "Can you."
"Ryan!" George hissed.
"House 2-." Ryan cut himself off at the click of the safety. Maybe his dad was
crazy. "I have to go."
"No! Come with me. I'm gonna help you!"
"Sorry, wrong house, sir."
"Ryan!"
"Thank you. Goodbye, sir." Ryan hopped back and swung the door shut before his
father held the barrel of the gun and smacked him across the face with the rest
of it, knocking him to the ground.
"You do not just take advantage of me! I let you answer the door! You do not
use that privilege to stand around with your fucking friends when you know
you're being punishment!"
Ryan nodded, pushing himself up, only to be stomped on between his shoulders.
"I'm sorry!" he screamed, more frustrated than anything else.
"Watch your tone! And don't fucking scream at me! Now get back in there!"
__________
Grace smiled at Brendon sitting on the couch watching the television. "How was
your day?"
Brendon shrugged "Fine. I came out of the closet."
"Oh, that's so great. Did Ryan?"
"I don't think so. I mean, our English teacher knows and I think our Science
teacher, too. And I think everyone assumes he's my boyfriend, Jon and Spencer
especially. But I think when people know I'm pregnant tomorrow, he's just
gonna, you know, not deny it."
"That's good, at least. He won't be shoving you around and calling you a faggot
anymore?"
Brendon grit his teeth at her. "Just drop it. He loves me."
"Help me clean, would you?" she asked, not returning anything else. "I want it
to look nice if he's gonna move in with us."
Brendon whined. "He said to call even if he doesn't show up. He said he'll make
sure he's outside, in time," he said to his achingly large belly.
"Ok. If he wants that," his mother answered. "I don't care."
"But what if? Like? He forgets?
"He's not gonna forget
____________
Ryan had slipped his hoody collar over his nose since he had drank so much
water with his lunch. He drew his legs in closer and hugged his knees tighter,
wondering how much time he had left. He could feel his foot was grossly swollen
and it never stopped hurting. He listened to the rat squeaking just outside the
door and hoped for Brendon to go back on his word and tell his mom they would
do it the next day, they would have to try again. He was sure that was what the
worried B would do. Then he would realize that the closet had come back and
they would need to wait until the next Monday. He had a very sizeable hole in
the side of the closet he had made with his head and been picking at, pulling
the wall out to try and get the outside, so he could crawl through, but had
since given up. He had gotten far, but not far enough. Time was passing and he
found no use in using his last bits of energy in vain.
The phone finally rang out and nearly made Ryan vomit. Maybe his dad had passed
out. But then the ringing stopped and was replaced with a gruff, "Who the
fuck?" It was just a telemarketer.
All he could make out when he strained his ears was that it was Grace on the
phone, not Brendon. His father barked at her, but she seemed to insist, for the
man had thrown what Ryan assumed was the phone at the wall and started stomping
closer and closer. Something in him switched and he returned to digging the
wall out, pulling out clumps of the grey, crumbly material like a dog, ripping
his nails apart until he could shove up to his shoulder inside the wall. The
closet door was ripped open.
Brendon peeked out the window again and looked across the court to Ryan's door.
Nothing was happening yet, but his mom said he had smashed the phone. He kept
watching, waiting for George to come storming out. His mom dialed 911, next.
Ryan was dizzy from hardly breathing since the first ring. He tried to resist
his father lifting him by the collar of his hoody, but it was useless. He was
thrown up against an outside wall to his full height and he screamed, he never
screamed, when his father smashed a thick, heavy open palm to his ribs. He
wasn't screaming because it hurt, though it did, it hurt bad compared to
anything else, but hoping maybe the neighbor he shared walls with would call
911 and say it was urgent, more urgent than Grace probably made it out to be.
"HELP!" he screeched, only to be punched in his mouth. "Help me!"
Ryan didn't need to hear the crunching bones in his other foot, his toes, and
ribs to know he was being broken under his blood curdling screams. His ears
rang with his father yelling at him, telling him he was a faggot and a good for
nothing piece of shit.
Brendon was glued to the window. He shook his head to himself and grabbed his
phone from where his mother left it while confiscated, just on the side table
where she could see. He opened the door and was halfway to Ryan before she
could even finish yelling to him.
Ryan couldn't breath with his crushed chest by the time he was thrown to the
floor. He only groaned when his forearm was broken next by repeated stomping
under his father's scolding. He drew in a shaky breath and said as loudly as he
could, whimpering, "Please," he begged. "Please, Daddy. Don't you love me?"
Ryan cried, tears streaming down his face as he rolled his head side to side.
From what he knew, assuming his father was successful with each one, his feet
were broken, his ribs, probably all of his toes, his sternum, his humorous, and
his radius and ulna. But he knew it was far from over.
The thin screen door was thrown open by Brendon so he could press an ear to the
heavy, metal, locked, door. He heard grunting of a man and occasional screaming
of a boy. "Ryan!" he shouted and tugged on the door handle, but it was locked.
"Ryan!" He fumbled with his phone and slid to the emergency dial.
Ryan moaned and lazily tried to tug his next hand from under his father's heavy
foot. "B?" he mumbled. "Oh, god, go home."
Brendon cried on the phone to the operator, telling her to make the ambulances
hurry. "Please," he begged. "He's in there."
Grace sighed and found her shoes to follow Brendon more slowly. "Get back," she
snapped at her son, standing in the screen door. "Brendon!"
Brendon kept crying and sniffling to the poor woman on the other end, forced to
listen to his screams and sobs. He ignored his mother, he didn't care if George
turned to get him, next.
Ryan's neighbor came out, phone in hand, to see Brendon crying out and Grace
pulling him back. "Have you called the police yet?"
Brendon nodded and let his mom pull him back to stand to the side. He screamed
and dropped the phone when the new woman said she smelled smoke, then he saw a
quiet fire through the window, eating at the old drapes. "Ryan!" he screamed
and fought to reach the door, but his mom and the other woman were too good at
holding him back.
Ryan didn't even try to keep track of broken bones anymore, though he knew he
had some to add to his list. It was getting harder to tell what was hurting
specifically as the pain spread. His dad had gotten down, kneeling on his
stomach to rip his hoody up and over his head. The man took the bottle he had
just broken over Ryan's head and drew it up his back twice, digging in. He
slashed it over Ryan's neck, hitting his jaw and bleeding him over his broken
clavicle. "Dad," Ryan whined when he was cut up his chest, his arms,
everywhere. "Sir, please. DAD!" Ryan's eyes grew when he saw the man draw a
matchbook from his pocket and strike. "DAD!" he yelled. Ryan screamed on the
top of his lungs. "Dad, no! Please!"
Ryan bent one elbow and sat himself up a little to drag his useless legs back
from the burning carpet. He kept pulling himself back, to the other side of the
room and leaving a bloody trail while his father was gone. Ryan thought he was
ok, by now. He'd made it. He could hear sirens, he knew he could. Now he just
needed to stay back from the fire and hold his breath as best he could. The
firefighters would be in and they would put out the fire. He could get some
casts if anything truly was broken and be back to school in the week, maybe
tomorrow, if it wasn't too much. He was going to see Brendon and Brendon was
going to be fine. He moaned from his aching head, his vision was blurred and
foggy and he felt nauseated.
"Where did you go?"
Ryan's heart pumped faster, which was probably not good for he was already
feeling faint, most likely from all the blood loss. He moved just his eyes and
saw his father with something in hand. Not his gun. Please, not his gun.
Ryan gasped when his head was kicked to this side, his neck snapping loudly in
his ears. He screamed to make sure he could, thinking maybe he was dead now.
His neck had to be broken, but he could still scream. "DAD!" he yelled when the
barrel came into focus, pointing at his head. "Daddy, please! Daddy, I'm your
son! Please! Sir, I'm sorry! NO!" he screamed, holding it out until the shot
rang through. He shut up and closed his eyes, his ear burning, and let his head
tip to the side. Between two more shots, Ryan could hear screaming. His?
Brendon's? It didn't matter, he would figure it out when he woke up. He was
exhausted and went limp when his father scooped him up. He was back in the
closet again, twisted legs up a wall and shoulders pushing against the opposite
one. Was that another gun shot? Had it hit him? Did it matter? It was quiet.
Brendon screamed until he was out of breath then screamed some more when Ryan
was cut off by what could only have been a gun. He sobbed and shoved his
shoulders against cops forming a barricade. "Please," he begged. "Please! Let
go! Please! Ryan."
Grace wrapped her arms around Brendon and was quiet while he sobbed for the
loss of his lover. She cried gently while he screamed into a police officer's
chest, then her shoulder. She tried holding him under the arms, the way he
like, but he ripped away and squeezed her waist, he even bit her shoulder and
screamed. She thought he might be calling to Ryan or begging.
The firefighters on the scene broke into the house and had no trouble putting
out the fire, still small and secluded to the corner, for the most part.
"Ryan?" The adult was already removed, shot in the calf as he was walking away,
so now all they needed was the kid. "Ryan?" they called. "Are you there?" It
was assumed he was dead by the way he stopped when the shot rang out, but they
still prayed. "Ryan?" They needed to find the body, anyway.
"Tell them where you are," Brendon chanted to his mother's neck. "Tell them
where you are, baby."
Ryan let his eyes close, he was pretty tired. He heard his name, but he didn't
really /feel/ like answering. He wondered where his dad was, maybe it was him
calling. Everything was very mushed. His throat burned more and more with each
passing second, but his nose was low and he could still breath. Now was a good
time for a nap, he was comfy.
Firefighters, police, and paramedics all searched around the house. A fireman
found the tiny closet, darkened to match the wall with soot, and fumbled to
unlock the door with his big, thick gloves on. When he did, the door opened on
its own, pushed by a loose wrist leaning against it. The arm tumbled out and
fell to the ground, bright red with blood. He followed up to see a neck bent in
a way no neck should bend, the head sitting on the shoulder. Eyes blinked open,
white in a see of crimson, and red teeth smiled at him. "I found him! I got
him!."
He was tired. "Hey," he mumbled, but all the people told him to hush, to relax,
they said. His ear was still ringing. Somebody else made him sit up, but he was
still trying to sleep. They put something around his neck, it felt nice, and
something over his face. After that, he was put on a bed, so he could nap.
Finally, someone understood. "Thanks, you guys," he muttered, but it hurt to
talk and to breath. Nobody answered him, so maybe they were gonna have a nap,
too. "Sorry."
Brendon held his mom far too tightly when he heard a man call out that he had
found him. His lips moved with a beg, pleading for them to not have found a
lifeless body. "Ryan!" he screamed again when he stood on tiptoes to see
something red being carried to an ambulance. Red with small jeans on. "Ryan!
Ryan!"
Ryan smiled. That was B, right? He drew in a long, painfully slow and full
breath "B!" he yelled before somebody else told him gently to hush. He just
wanted to know if Brendon would nap with him. He'd never napped with Brendon
before, maybe it would be fun.
Brendon screamed, now excitedly, into his hands. "Ryan," he cried. "Mom, that
was him? Was that him?"
She nodded. "I think that was him."
Brendon hugged his mother again. Jon and Spencer were there now, called by the
sirens. Jon had rivers down his face while Spencer sniffled and blinked
excessively. A police officer soon came up to him and started asking him
questions that he tried to answer quickly. When he was done, they were offered
a ride to follow the ambulance, which Brendon accepted on behalf of his mother.
"It's all my fault," Brendon wined to his mother's chest. His arms were lifted
for her to hold him, but he was also trying to lay on her. "I shouldn't have
let you call. I should've waited for tomorrow when he didn't show up."
Grace let go with one hand to smooth back his hair while she hushed him. "It
wasn't your fault, baby. We didn't know this would happen."
"Is he gonna die?" he sobbed.
Grace didn't answer.
Ryan smiled at the woman leaning over him in his bed. "Hi," he mumbled. They
told him not to speak, but he didn't listen. "What's your name?"
"Be quiet, ok? Just relax."
"I'm gonna take a nap."
"Not yet, ok? Stay awake."
Ryan giggled deeply, drunkenly. "A'right."
Ryan looked up to the white, shiny roof. "Guys, where did I go?" He waited for
an answer, but got frustrated when they only strapped things to him, making him
unable to move anything, not his arms or legs or back- they were all splinted.
"/Guys/."
"Just relax and don't talk yet, alright, sweetheart?"
Ryan whimpered. "You know, I'm real sick and tired of you telling me not to
talk. I just wanna know where I did go."
"You're in an ambulance, we're taking you to a hospital," she explained when
things started to calm a bit. She had cleaned and dressed a lot of his wounds,
so far.
"Oh, guys, I don't need to go. Not to the hospital."
"Sure you do! Here, look, it's a teddy bear, ok? Do you want to sit with this
teddy bear?"
Ryan gasped. "Yeah! Oh, I love teddy bears, miss." He smiled at it sitting on
his chest she had just wiped clean. "Are you-. What are you doing?"
"Dressing your wounds, ok? I'm giving some stitches and some just need band
aids."
"Can you do the one on my back?" he asked, trying, but unable to shift.
"Because it's still sticky."
She nodded and began untying him from his splint for his back. She needed to
get to it in case it was bad.
_______________
The police car Brendon rode in had caught up to the ambulance going a normal
speed back to the hospital. He wasn't sure if he should take that as good, that
Ryan was ok and there was no longer any rush. Or bad that Ryan had passed and
there was no point. He had gotten inside, sitting in the waiting room while
Ryan- dead or alive- was being unloaded. He was looking white again, a color
Brendon hadn't seen on his skin in nearly six years. But he was a little too
white from what Brendon could tell, through the window. Ryan had an oxygen tank
following him and didn't seem to be moving. He got closer, allowing B to make
out a teddy bear going along with him on the gurney. And when he got inside,
Brendon nearly threw up with relief at hearing him ramble. It was the first
real confirmation he was alive, as he thought he might have been hearing things
at the house, before. Brendon had promised to keep Jon and Spencer informed,
but following him to the x-ray machine was more important.
Brendon caught up to the gurney and they let him follow along its side. He was
scared to touch, but made sure Ryan knew he was there.
Hearing Brendon made Ryan smile. He was even more hopped up on medication, by
now. He couldn't even feel the re-ripping of his lip, making it bleed again.
"Babe?" he slurred, eyes closed.
Brendon sniffled. They were only walking, but hurriedly. "Yeah, Ryan. Are you
alright?" he asked, but the clear answer was no. Ryan had a small section of
his face white, but the rest was not red with spilled blood, but open wounds.
Ryan squished his eyes shut. "Baby, yay. We're gonna have a party."
"Ok, baby. Do you feel ok? Are you in pain?"
"I can't feel a fucking thing, my love."
"Is your neck broken? Why can't you feel anything?"
"No, Brendon."
Grace hugged Brendon even outside of the room safe for x-rays. She held his
head close and kissed his hair over and over.
"He said he can't feel anything and he has a neck brace on," Brendon whined.
"Mom, is he paralyzed? Mom?"
Grace sighed shakily. She wasn't going to say no. "I'm not sure, Brendon. Just
be glad he's alright, ok? Somebody just told me he's gonna be perfectly fine.
They need to see what's broken then they can give him some casts. They know
what they're doing," she promised. "He's gonna be ok, they're taking good care
of him."
Brendon whimpered. He could hardly breath, he was hyperventilating. Ryan was
brought out again and led them finally to a room with a bed in it and some
chairs. He was swiftly moved to the bed from the gurney while a doctor Brendon
wasn't sure was new or not wheeled a big cart in front of him. "Do you want to
pick his colors?"
Brendon sniffled while his mom rubbed his side and pointed to the cart, trying
to encourage him. "Can you make him a rainbow?" he sniffled.
"Sure! There's gonna be a lot, ok? He'll be nice and colorful, don't worry."
Brendon nodded, but that didn't make him feel any better. He watched them make
sure he had the teddy bear while they moved it around, occasionally referring
to the x-rays on a lit board. Ryan moaned a lot, especially while they put the
clavicle strap on him. Brendon rest his head on his mother's shoulders and just
hardly remembered to text his friends that Ryan was going to be fine.
Grace let Brendon wait until they were all done patching Ryan up, so he could
say goodbye before they had to find a way home.
Ryan blinked up at Brendon when he made his way over to his bed side. He sighed
and squished his face from the pain. The doctors were promising more pain
medication soon, he could only hope very soon. "Hey," he said, voice empty.
Only his lips moved, his voice was gone, for now.
Brendon wiped his eyes and his nose. "Baby, do you feel ok?"
Ryan wanted to nod, it would have been easier than talking with a busted lip
and burning throat, but he couldn't. "Fine, my love."
Brendon leaned over, not touching Ryan or the bed, to leave the gentlest kiss
he could on the part of Ryan's forehead that was missing a wound. "I love you,
ok?"
"B."
Brendon sniffled. "Are you paralyzed?" he ask, voice higher than ever, maybe so
only the dogs could hear it.
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, hopefully looking confident. He could feel his
broken foot still swollen and in a cast. He could remember feeling them move
everything, making him hurt again. And his ribs felt caved. "No."
"So are you in pain?"
"No."
Brendon sniffled again. He looked to his mother, standing up and nodding to the
door. "I think I have to go now, ok? Will you be alright?"
"Yeah, but B," he said, sounding like he was dying in a whisper. "Make sure...
you tell Mrs. Lustig... somebody fucked up."
"What?"
"Somebody fucked up. Tell her."
"If you want," he mumbled, hands still wringing against his chest. He leaned
over again and pressed him another kiss. "I'm gonna see you tomorrow, ok?"
"Goodnight."
______________
Brendon couldn't fall asleep by himself after such a traumatizing night, so he
got up to find his mom at her desk. He, half asleep, spun her wheelie chair and
climbed into her lap.
Grace groaned and put her arms around his bare and warm back. "You're lucky you
haven't gotten bigger since you were eight."
Brendon mumbled. "You ok?" he asked her neck. "You sound like you're gonna
cry."
Grace shook her head and kept rubbing his back. "No, I'm fine," she said,
trying to control her voice more. She had just /finished/ crying. She was going
to have another person in her house that she would need to feed and clothe,
too, now. Ryan didn't have anything anymore, not even clothes. They had cut him
out of his jeans and she had no faith in ever washing the mess out of his hoody
and jacket. Not that she could just let the kid carry on that way, in one
outfit. She was going to have pay medical bills, though hopefully the orphanage
he now technically belonged to would cover at least this. He would need money
for lunch everyday, too. And anything extra curricular he wanted to do; she
couldn't just let Brendon do things and then not him. And on top of all that,
she didn't even think she liked Ryan. He seemed like a real punk. He often
swore, though never to her, he pushed B on the couch and called him a faggot.
He grew up in the home he did, which did not bode well. And then there was
going to be even another person. Maybe a little one, but surely the most
expensive. She might have to force the boys to get jobs, though Brendon, she
thought, should wait. And with her salary that got them into the subsidized
housing development along with something from the grocery store or McDonalds-
that may never even come- wouldn't be enough. Not enough to clothe and feed
four people, pay for medical needs, get a safe crib, a changing table, diapers,
bottles, ~formula~, so much formula. And then she needs the bills and rent. So
yeah, she wanted to cry, she just had, and felt like she might just break down
right there.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Go get in my bed tonight, ok? Do you want that?"
B nodded and climbed carefully off. He took her hand even though she said she
wasn't done at her desk and drug her to her room. He crawled under the sheets
and shivered against her until he drifted off.
_______________
_________________
***** Chapter 7 *****
Chapter Notes
     I'm pretty sure I put dis-associative identity disorder in the tags,
     but I must say that what Ryan has isn't quite that. It is, however
     based off that. You can see at the very end that he starts to get
     affected by it. It came about by the trauma of his accident, so he
     doesn't know anything about it and nobody else does, either. The way
     that it's similar is that when he slips into his 'blackouts' he pulls
     up a new character. But he has the same name. You'll see later on
     that sometimes he even thinks he's in the past, but he isn't. And so
     his pupils get too big and and he falls when he comes out of it and
     he doesn't ever remember any of it. So I think that's about it as it
     will get explained in the story itself, but I didn't want anybody to
     get all touchy saying this isn't what it's tagged as.
He woke suddenly, being shook and called to. He much preferred Ryan's gentle
puffing on his face.
"Get ready for school, baby, ok? You're going, aren't you? You don't have to."
Brendon nodded, sat up, and cried. His mom held him, she seemed to understand
just how upset he was. "We have to go see him, today," he warned. "I promised
him I would come."
"Ok, we will. He's in the recovery part of the hospital now and'll only be for
ten more days, they think. Ok? Isn't that great?"
"What are they doing that's gonna take ten days? I thought he only had broken
bones?"
"Well, I talked to some doctors over the phone, and they told me he has some
bad infections on some of his older wounds, but nothing that is gonna, you
know, kill him because they have them under control. They just have to keep him
to have a close eye on it while he's there. And he's got some worms, so they'll
get that taken care of, too. Oh, and how he was starved. They'll put a little
weight on him there with a feeding tube and then he'll be able to eat on his
own, again, by the time his stay is over. /Then/ he's gonna come here and he'll
be laid up in Dad's old room, ok? He'll miss school for a while, but you can
keep him caught up."
"Why can't he stay in my bed?"
A heavy sigh escaped her. "I know you might need to share a bed, especially for
when the baby comes. But, whether I allow that or not, he can't stay in your
bed when he gets here because not only do I not want you two together right
away, but he's not gonna be able to move for a few weeks and his ribs are
broken and his neck and all that, so you don't need to sleep next to him,
anyway."
Brendon nodded before he pulled back. "Ok."
___________
Brendon was attacked with questions at the bus stop after the sirens of the
night woke everyone, the gun gave them heart attacks, and the news vans were
still out with reporters being played with by all the neighborhood kids behind
their backs. He pretended he couldn't hear anybody at all. Jon and Spencer knew
he was ok and nobody else really liked him. Everyone was generally friendly,
but not friendly enough to get Brendon to think they should get to know. He was
sure the news told them he was fine, anyway.
He smiled all too weakly at Mrs. Lustig, whose eyes were red, on his way to his
homeroom. "Can I talk to you?" he asked. She invited him inside and closed the
door before gesturing to a seat.
"Um, Ryan, he told me to tell you something. He- it has a swear- he said that
somebody fucked up." Brendon's eyes went wide when she bowed her head and
started crying. "No! No, don't cry, ok? He's ok."
She shook her head and took in a deep breath while she wiped her eyes carefully
so as not to smear makeup. "He kept telling me he'd be fine so long as nobody
fucked up. What happened?"
Brendon scrubbed his face and took in a deep breath. "You were supposed to get
an email, I don't know if you saw it yet, or not, but it's explaining that-.
I'm pregnant, believe it, or not," he said and explained their plan with the
phone. "And he didn't show up so we called and then this happened."
"Yesterday was /Monday/," she said. "/Monday/. I called CPS, they've been
spying on him, trying to see how to get him out of there safely. They promised
they would have him on Wednesday. Tomorrow is Wednesday."
Brendon listened with wide eyes and pricked ears. "YOU called CPS? The tinted
cars went around, he's noticed them. They sit outside and watch him. He was
wondering what they were doing, then one came up to me and said he was CPS. You
are lucky this happened this way. Didn't you hear him threaten you? He told me
he did."
She nodded. "Said he was gonna kill me and one of my sons then hand their
father a drink after they all watched," she said. The thought haunted her. "I
thought he was putting on an act. He said he was gonna wait until he got strong
and then he started talking in the third person and-." She sighed.
Brendon shook his head. "No, he's fucking crazy," he said and quickly covered
his mouth. She waved it away, but he still whispered, "Freaking crazy. He is.
He really would have let them put all the weight on they wanted, until he was
healthy. Until he was strong. You would've been dead. He wasn't joking."
I mean, I know it's none of my business, but come on. Aren't you in the same
position he is?- was? If he does that to you when you try to help?"
Brendon shook his head. "It's not like that. I've known him my whole life. And
he isn't always like that. I-. I think, though, that the temper is mostly just
him being really, really bitter, upset, sad, hurt. He never had any sort of
temper at all when he was little. He was the nicest of us all." Brendon smiled
and tipped his head. "He kissed our boo boos when our moms weren't home when we
were really little. And he let me beat him up because he was always stronger.
He picked flowered weeds, one day, too, and gave them to my mom because it was
her birthday. To Jon's mom, Spencer's mom, his mom and even his dad- who, for
the record, WAS the only one of all of our parents that sometimes came outside
and played with us or helped us make something fun in his backyard. Ryan was
just really sweet. He IS really sweet but he's hurt and he really is just
bitter. He's still Ryan, but sometimes he just gets too upset and takes his
frustration and panic out in ways he shouldn't. That's all."
Mrs. Lustig nodded. "Hopefully, for everyone's sake, he'll calm down, now that
he isn't there anymore."
"He might, but he'll probably be really depressed, too." Brendon sighed. "Oh,
dear god, I hope this doesn't mess him up. Oh. But I need to get to homeroom, I
can't be late," he said and stood. He even gave her a long, tight hug before he
tried smiling again and turned to go.
He slouched in his seat in homeroom when his teacher was already acting weird
around him, so now all he needed was to be humiliated when they put up a
special announcement on the morning show that wasn't even supposed to come on
on Tuesdays, so it already would grab more people's attention.
B frowned at his homeroom teacher while he walked around, setting blue papers
down hardly anyone even glanced at, who inclined his head knowingly.
Brendon was crying when the student announcer said, "Time for a special edition
of the morning show!" He ignored the looks he got for being off, then the
stares for being weird. "This school now has a pregnant student," the second
announcer said, then back to the first for an, "Ah, yes. Preggers." "It's a
boy! The student, that is! He's pretty popular, a great singer and a very /
talented/ musician. Brendon Urie! Now, your homeroom teachers SHOULD be handing
out papers with some very /special/ new rules. There will be no rough housing
around Brendon, no asking him about his condition, no rubbing his belly, and no
asking to be the god parents. It's a no, people. Please just shut up, he
doesn't like you." "And one more announcement for you all," the other said, no
longer being showy for the camera. "A much more serious one. One of our high
school's very, uh-. He's smart, I hear. Also very talented, a musician as well,
in Brendon's band. There has been some neglect on the school's guidance
department's part that is being looked into. Things have been recently
discovered that don't need to be shared with the entire school, but most of you
probably do already know that he was in a terrible accident last night. He is
ok, he will make a full recovery but will not be back with us for at least
another six weeks- when he is out of enough casts. As I said, Ryan IS ok and he
WILL make a full recovery, but we, his friends here in school, still seem fit
that we hold grief counseling for any loved ones who feel they need someone to
talk to after this rocking, traumatic accident and its terrible circumstances.
There will be grief counseling after school today, and maybe tomorrow if
anybody actua- um, if they see fit. Everybody is encouraged to come together to
find the support they may need to work through this and help others who need
it. And of course everybody is encouraged to report if they think another
student could possibly be going through what Ryan did. And please, please do.
This didn't need to happen and should never happen again. The grief counseling
will be held in room NC 11, Ryan's homeroom. Thank you and that is all for
today's special edition of the morning show. Tune in tomorrow for the regularly
scheduled program."
Brendon made it through all the way to his 4/5 English class, the second class
made entirely of kids in his grade and the first class he regularly talked to
anyone in. He got there nearly late, he had needed to stop in the bathroom. So
far, he had managed to scrape by with only judging looks from upperclassmen and
curious stares from people he didn't talk to at all in his grade and just about
all the freshmen, when they could figure out who he was, of course. There was a
lot of pointing and angry whispers of, "No, HIM! The short one with black hair!
Red glasses! No, don't look." He sat down in English and was immediately
bombarded. "Where's Ryan?" they asked. "Is he ok? Is he dead? Are you really
pregnant? It's a joke, right? Please, tell me it's a joke. What happened, last
night? I saw you on the news! You were screaming. When is he coming back?"
Brendon looked to his desk.
"What happened?"
Brendon's eyes swung back and forth. He cursed himself for the tears welling
up, but it wasn't long before he was angry with himself for sobbing into his
hands. Everyone got quiet before the gentle whispering started, then louder,
kids trying to hear each other over everyone else. Kaitlin, however, the one B
thought was the most annoying, most mean of all, was above everyone else. "He's
such a faggot, who really cares? I'm sure it's just a hoax. Ew! Ryan? Who
cares? I wish he would die, honestly. He's smelly, he's mean, he yells at the
teachers when I'm TRYING to get things done. I say it's a shame he made it.
Maybe he'll get an infection and die before he ever comes back."
Brendon folded his arms and sobbed to the desk, listening to the girl go on
about how much of an attention whore, a baby he is. Nobody else seemed to hear
her, not the teacher, anyway. He almost got up before Mrs. Lustig asked him if
he wanted to step out to go to the bathroom.
Brendon sunk to the floor and sobbed until the bell rang for the first half of
class. It was all his fault, he knew it was. He shouldn't have listened. He
should've known it was a bad idea not to have Ryan there. The bell rang for the
second half to begin and not long after, a boy, named George, of course, poked
his head around the corner. "Brendon?" he called. "Mrs. Lustig... I'm gonna
go."
Brendon wouldn't respond to him. Some boy came in, pissed, then went, and
Brendon was still crying. That George had called to him again an a few minutes,
then once more, but to say, "Your mom's here to take you home."
Brendon tried to breath, but only started hyperventilating again while he got
up. He drug his feet to the door, then past George and to his mom's arms.
"Mommy," he whined, not caring that his classmate was still there, along with
an officer who had escorted his mother to come pick him up. She took him to the
office and signed him out there.
Brendon got into his seat and blindly groped for his seat belt.
"Do you wanna go see Ryan?"
"Now?"
"Yeah, why not, right? You said you promised him."
Brendon nodded. He curled up incorrectly in the seat, his feet pressed to
window while he watched out it. He had calmed down to a sniffle on the way.
______________
"Ryan?" he called. The room wasn't black, but the curtains were drawn and no
lights were on.
"B?"
Brendon got around the corner, through a very short hallway like space that
opened into a white room. There was a bed, with Ryan lying flat on his back,
across from a counter running nearly the length of the wall with a sink in it
and cabinets underneath. There was one reclining chair in the corner, where the
counter didn't reach and opposite the door with a few metal chairs under a
window. There was a night stand next to the bed with rails holding the unlit
lamp.
Brendon held onto the rail of the bed. He could see Ryan still had the teddy
bear from the ambulance.
Ryan blinked up at Brendon and smiled as slightly as he could, so as not to rip
his lip again. All he knew was that he had on a t-shirt from the hospital and
was covered in a blanket up to his waist with the heater going. He was still
cold. "You came," he said hoarsely, throat still a mess from all the smoke.
Brendon nodded and swallowed. Ryan's lip was busted, his eye was black, and
most of his face was an open wound, under the oxygen mask. "Of course we did."
He also had a feeding tube in.
"Your mom's here, then?" he asked, flinching and wincing when Brendon reached
across him.
"Oh, hello! Ryan, you have visitors!"
Brendon smiled at a stout, short woman with a black pixie cut in blue nurses'
wear. He shook her hand.
"Yes, ma'am. My boyfriend and his mom. Em, Brendon and Ms. Grace."
"Oh, Ryan, just Grace, ok?" He always called her ma'am before. She assumed it
was not him being polite on his own and didn't want it to carry on, especially
with her, any longer.
"If you like."
Brendon ran a finger through the little bit of hair that he could while she
switched what tank his mask was hooked to. "It's gonna make you act sorta
funny, ok, Ryan? But it's gonna numb you and then we'll feed you, ok?"
"Do you think he'll, like, get something, like, mentally from this?"
"PTSD is the main worry." she said, moving his bear closer, more so he'd know
it was there. Ryan tried to move some fingers and bend his elbow, to hold it.
"It can take some time to set in, so we don't know yet. And not everybody gets
it, he may not. So we just gotta wait and see, you know? It can take up to
three months to set in, so you know, but he could wake up tomorrow with the
first symptom. Then he'll probably need a bit of therapy. For PTSD, if he gets
it. Something to rehabilitate him. Maybe depression. Nobody should live like
this. It isn't right."
Brendon nodded slowly. He found some of Ryan's fingers poking out of a full arm
cast, on his right side, and gently held them.
"Why are you here, B?" Ryan asked. "Isn't it the middle of the day?"
"Yeah," he sighed while the nurse got into a conversation with his mom. "I was
just crying inconsolably, though, so my mom had to come pick me up."
"Why?"
Brendon shrugged, but he wasn't leaned over so Ryan could see any. "Cuz
somebody asked me what happened and I just-. I dunno."
"Oh."
"What happened?" he asked. "Can you talk about it? You promised you would be
out." Maybe Ryan was still on that high where he thought he could do anything
and come out unscathed. Maybe he thought he could reason with his father or
even take him down instead and come out the victor.
"Yeah. So, I went inside and he threw me around like always. He-. Ok. He threw
a bottle at the door, he missed. He threw me around, grabbing my arm and my
foot was or ankle was already broken. And then he took me to the closet."
Brendon, with silent tears running rivers down his cheeks, leaned down and put
his head near Ryan, trying to be careful and not dent the mattress and pull
Ryan around. "Did you try and get out?" he managed through a few waves of tears
and sniffling.
"Baby, don't cry, ok? Do you see? I'm here, I'm fine. Yeah, I tried to get out,
of course I did. I tried the handle, I shoved the door, I begged him, and I
screamed. I even tried digging my way through the damn wall."
"You were scared. Were you scared?"
"Well-. No, babe. I wasn't scared."
"Why not?"
"I knew I would get outa there," he lied. "I knew I would be ok."
Brendon whimpered pointedly and stomped away to get a chair to drag over.
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows when the sobbing faded away. "Brendon?"
"I'm getting a chair," he answered miserably.
"B?" Did he just leave without even telling him? Maybe he'd gone to find a
bathroom to clean his face. "Brendon!" He would have at least told him. "Ok,"
he sighed, disappointed. He liked the visit, he wasn't so alone anymore. All he
had was the white, blank ceiling and the feeling of something, just a lump, in
his arm. He tried to hold the lump and pretend it was Brendon's waist, maybe
along with an arm to his side.
Brendon set the chair down next to the bed again and reached out for Ryan's
forehead when he jumped. "It's me."
"Sorry."
Brendon ignored the apology and took a seat. "I just went to get a chair."
"Where?" he asked, confused. To another room? It almost sounded as if he'd gone
out where Ryan was pretty sure the door might be.
"Over there," Brendon explained patiently, not sure if Ryan knew what his room
looked like, yet, other than the ceiling. Ryan sighed, so he pointed a finger
above his head and made Ryan smile at the attempt to get him to understand.
"I think I may be deaf over there," he muttered, not sure if he wanted Brendon
to know that.
Brendon clicked his tongue and sighed. "From what?"
"The bullet."
Brendon stood up and leaned over Ryan, holding onto the other rail, to look at
his ear. He gasped and whined when he saw a half circle cut perfectly through
the top, it looked like someone had put ointment on it not long ago, and it was
blackened. He started to hyperventilate even and cry at the same time he sat
back down. "It's so close to your head," he whined. "Is that the only one?
Didn't he shoot three times?"
"Yeah," he sighed. Breathing was slowly, gradually becoming more bearable.
"Yeah, but, the, the others ones missed."
Brendon smiled. "The others ones?"
"Yeah."
"Miss. Ann?" he asked, needing to choke out the words.
"Yes?"
Ryan tried to shift, but he couldn't. "Why can't I have a drink, again? I think
I should have a drink."
"You can have water."
That made him laugh. "No, I want a drink. I need a drink. Because I'm sick."
"You're underage and in the hospital, dear. This is helping you."
"No it's not," he grumbled.
It really was. He was clearly an alcoholic with what he told them. And a heavy
smoker. So now he was being forced to quit both, and with a proper follow up
from his new parents and the support he needs, he wouldn't have to go back. "I
know you don't think so," she said to him. He was very calm, probably because
he was drugged up for pain, but even on the first day of knowing him, she knew
he could get mad. Just earlier, when he was vomiting from his withdrawal, he
was crying and begging for a drink before getting angry with them all and
calling awful names while he said he understood why nobody liked him. He was
just mean. She could see it when he glared at her even before his family had
gotten there and when he had nothing in him to affect him.
"Ok," he muttered. "Oh, but what if I said I feel like I'm gonna be sick,
again?"
"No, sweetheart. But do we need to help you vomit, again?"
"No."
Brendon rubbed Ryan's palm where he could while the nurse dismissed herself to
go get something to put through the feeding tube.
"Brendon, I love you."
"I love you, too, baby."
"They had to cut my jeans off, lovey. They're in the drawer, she says."
"Ok."
"Kissy."
Brendon leaned over and kissed Ryan's eye, making him laugh deeply and beg for
another, then another, and another until the nurse returned.
Ryan moaned when he figured out what was going on. He was too out of it to
care. They seemed to be timing his feedings pretty well for they had all been
while he was not himself. "Brendon, guess what. I pretend the teddy bear is
your waist and I get to hold you all-. Get that the fuck away from my face."
__________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Ryan sighed when he could hear Grace's feet enter his audible field. That, he
now knew on his fourth day in the room, was where the door was. He looked over
to see Brendon glance to his side. "Are you going?"
Brendon set his chin down on the rail again and tipped his head to a down
sounding Ryan. "Yeah," he sighed. "It's getting late, baby. You should get some
sleep, too."
"Is it not Friday?" Ryan asked, knitting his eyebrows.
"It is."
"Can't you stay?" Ryan could feel his chest twisting from his anxiety, even
making his broken sternum ache. He felt like his chest was put under a
steamroller. He was beginning to feel light headed and get a little sweaty.
Brendon was leaving again? He always came and left. Ryan wished he would just
come and stay or not see him at all until he was to his new house.
Brendon shrugged. He didn't like to say no to Ryan, but wasn't sure how much
longer his impatient mother was willing to sit in a silent room, only to
occasionally be interrupted by 'I love you's and maybe some laughter or
sniffling. They didn't talk much, though they had had a nice, and lengthy,
conversation just the day before, when they spoke about how many children they
should try to have after Ryan had to make sure Brendon was actually pregnant.
But he still didn't know why Ryan was acting so nervous.
"You can sleep in the chair, right?" Ryan asked, blinking quickly to get a tear
refusing to fall out of his eye. Brendon wiped it away for him. "B? Please,
Brendon?"
Brendon looked over his shoulder, back to his mother standing, arms crossed and
shaking her head by the way out. "Hurry up," she mouthed.
"I don't know. This is gonna be your fourth or fifth night, right? What's the
matter? You've got less than a week."
"Mmm," he whimpered in place of a shrug. "I don't like it here, B. It's scary.
I wake up and there are people screaming. Like, multiple people just screaming
in the morning. And I don't know what's wrong with them, but they don't stop.
And, Brendon, it's dark. It gets really, really dark. I don't like the dark.
And it's cold and sometimes I drop my bear and I can't get her and something in
the walls starts whistling and I'm scared and why can't you just sleep in the
chair? Will it hurt you? Your back? Don't pregnant people's back hurt all the
time? You've slept curled in my lap before, even after we did it. Can't you
stay?"
Brendon looked from Ryan to his mom while he tried to rub Ryan's arm through
the cast, not sure if he could feel it, or not "Will they get mad? Am I allowed
to just sleep here?"
"Yeah," Ryan said quickly. "Yeah. Miss Ann told me the other day somebody has
somebody sleep in their chair every night and she even said I should invite you
because I think she knows I don't like it. Can you? Please?"
Brendon nodded and ran his thumb back and forth over Ryan's shoulder. "Yeah,
hold on. Let me ask my mom, ok?"
"Oh," he sighed. He knew very well how strict Grace could be. "Don't beg, ok.
You're right, I'll be fine."
Brendon drug his mom over to Ryan's left side, the deaf side, hoping it would
be harder for him to hear the imminent insults waiting for him on Grace's lips.
"Please," he started to beg before she could even say no. "Please, mom."
"No. No way."
"He just said even the nurse said he should invite me. Please, Mom? It gets
cold and dark and people scream and somebody whistles and it freaks him out."
"No," she said with clear finality. "He isn't getting scared, he only wants you
to stay and knows I can hear him," she spat in a whisper. "I don't know why,
but I know he's faking it. He's just a punk."
"Mom," Brendon whined. "Mom, /I/ would be scared."
"Of course YOU would! He's just some punk, Brendon. I can't even believe I'm
actually going to let him live with us. You're damn lucky he has no where else
to go and that you're actually fucking pregnant."
"He isn't a punk! He's scared."
"You know Michelle doesn't even know where her daughter is more than half the
time. She's always out partying and smoking with boys."
"You think me and Ryan are going to do that?"
"Yeah, maybe! Brendon, I swear to god, if he starts taking you out and you make
a habit of his drinking, I will drive him to the orphanage myself and /return/
him."
"You can't return a kid."
"Watch me."
"So you think /I/ would go out and party and drink with Ryan when all I do all
day to begin with is eat ice cream and watch cartoons?"
"No. I think Ryan will take you out to do all things and have more sex with
you."
"Mom, Ryan doesn't do that. He isn't a punk. He used to come over when you were
still at work and we drank chocolate milk and watched Disney movies until he
had to go," he said, even though he was doing most of the chocolate milk
consumption. "He isn't like that, he's like me. Whenever he did come over, it
was hardly ever to do something sexual. Once he moves in, all we're gonna do
all day is sit on the couch and I'm gonna eat while we do homework when he
isn't trying to find a job or working. He's not a punk. He would nap all day or
freaking pick flowers over anything like that."
"What about the fact that he's a fucking alcoholic and smoker?"
Brendon's shoulders fell and his head lolled with his rolling eyes. "I can
guarantee you the reason he started was because it was the only thing he could
get to drink. He's ok, now. I know he's been a little on edge, but that's just
withdrawal. So he's quitting and I'm gonna make sure he doesn't go back."
"How? How on Earth do you expect to do that?"
"Cupcakes."
"Brendon, stop. This is serious."
"I'll give him cupcakes for each little milestone. Each month he makes it."
She only re-crossed her arms. "He's anorexic. And you aren't staying. I
probably shouldn't even go through with this stupid adoption. It's not
impossible to raise a kid by yourself."
"Brendon?" Ryan called after a long time of silence. "B, I don't know if you're
still there," he said and by saying it, sent a sharp pang through his chest.
"But don't go begging your mom if you are, ok? I don't want her to get mad at
me and you're right, anyway. I can spend another night by myself, it's no big
deal."
"Mom! He's so lame you wouldn't even believe it. You wanna know why my grades
got higher? Because he makes me do my homework. He does his homework, Mom. He's
lamer than me. Mommy, he gets scared and he drops his teddy bear and he can't
pick it up. The teddy bear he named Flowers. Its name is Flowers, Mom."
"So?" she asked. She groaned when he put his head on her shoulder and told her
the bear's name was Flowers again. What could Ryan really do? He was immobile
and Brendon would be in a hospital, no better place to be. "Fine," she sighed.
"Do whatever you want. Do you have your phone?"
Brendon squealed and pulled back, arms shaking, to nod. He hurried over to
Ryan's side and told him, to which Ryan squealed back and said, "B, we get to
have a sleep over!"
"I know!" Brendon said and leaned down to kiss Ryan's forehead while he found
Flowers to touch. "All three, right?"
Ryan made a happy noise and wanted to nod. "Yeah, baby. I'm so excited."
Brendon gasped, ignoring his mom pull his head over to kiss his hair for
goodbye. "Babe, we're gonna have sleepovers every single night once you get
home. And that'll be so soon."
Ryan sighed heavily before he twisted up his face from the pain. "Yeah."
Brendon pouted and ran a finger along Ryan's jaw. "Would you like me to sit
right here until you fall asleep?"
"I dunno," Ryan mumbled. "Yeah. Maybe. No, you don't have to."
"We'll get you nightlights, ok?" Brendon promised. "For here, there's an outlet
under the window and one right behind me. And you'll have some at home, too."
Ryan smiled. "Thanks, love."
Brendon sat up again to kiss his temple. "Your welcome. Now go to sleep, ok?"
"Mmm." Ryan closed his eyes, but only for a moment. "Ooh, I'm too excited!
You're my best friend."
Grace rolled her eyes in the hall before the door to Ryan's room while she
listened to them. She sighed silently and started out.
_________________________
_______________________________
Brendon sat up and rubbed his eyes. Ryan was whimpering, so he got up to check
on him. "Babe?"
Brendon watched Ryan's face squish and him try to shift. "Baby, wake up."
"Babe," he whined, eyes watering. He was hardly able to catch the yelp in his
throat when he registered that it was Brendon who had touched him and was
standing over him.
"What's the matter?"
Ryan flinched when the screaming started, but Brendon kept his focus on him. "I
dreamt about it."
"About it?"
Ryan hummed. "About sitting in the closet, I was terrified even in the dream.
And, B, I swear I could feel him breaking everything all over again."
"Did you dream about it last night?"
"No," he grumbled.
Brendon smiled and leaned down to leave a kiss on the other. "Is that the
screaming?" he whispered. It sounded like someone was being murdered, and
Brendon couldn't ignore it anymore. Someone else had seemed to start, too.
"Yeah. B, I don't know what's wrong with them. Do you think they're hurt? Are
they scared?"
Brendon shrugged. "I don't know."
______________
Grace scratched at Brendon's head while he said goodbye to Ryan, for real, this
time.
While listening to the footsteps he could now recognize as belonging to the
nurse with the smallest voice, Ryan sighed at a sweet kiss. He started to get a
little nervous, wishing he could sit up and watch her, to make sure she didn't
get too near him or Brendon without him knowing what she wanted. "I'll see you
soon, B. I love you, ok?'
_____________
A big black spider crept around its sticky web while Ryan watched. He never
said anything about the spider, afraid they might kill it or remove it. It was
his new friend and Ryan had named it Anthony. Sometimes, Ryan could see some
black specks with Anthony, but he never noticed any bugs around him.
"Ryan, would you like me to open the window?" Miss. Ann asked once she had made
it to his right side. "It's nice and warm out today."
"Oh, sure," he said, taking his eyes away from the spider as quickly as
possible and turning them to her round, sweet looking face. Maybe it would let
some bugs in for Anthony.
"Ok, dear. There are three so, I'll open up two. Sound good?"
"Mm." She acted very nice, very caring. She always asked if she should turn his
heater up or pull his blanket tighter. But he wasn't so sure what her motives
were, yet. He doubted she was just nice. She was just trying to gain his trust
so she could start taking her anger out on him as well. Ryan didn't know what
was going on in those other rooms, but he knew none of the three or four
consistent genial nurses were with him.
Ryan tried to take in as deep of breaths his pained chest would allow of the
ambrosial midday air. He hadn't smelled anything nice since that last deep
breath before his final step inside. Everything since then had been food
taunting him, medication trying to alter him, or his own smell trying to
suffocate him. He hadn't been able to be bathed in anyway, not being nearly
covered with either the casts or the tight cloth around his ribs. The only
thing the hospital could do was make sure he was cleaned each time he exposed
of waste. The nurses were able to wipe patches of skin clean, but they could do
nothing for his hair.
Ryan tried to tighten his arm around Brendon and looked back up to Anthony when
a particularly strong wind whistled outside and sailed though the window. The
spider curled up as far in the corner as he could get in response, and the
string with a plastic end for the blinds swayed, hitting into the wall
rhythmically.
Miss. Ann slowed down her cleaning of the bed rails to a stop when Ryan's eyes
fell back strait ahead and widened. His pupils dilated and his mouth fell open.
He grunted and pushed his shoulder's back.
Ryan saw the scene play out perfectly on the starch white ceiling. He wasn't
watching from his own eyes, this time. He swore he could see his father's back,
watch his fist pound a hole into the wall right next to his ear. Ryan's
breathing quickened, but he didn't notice. His face squished and tears began
pouring out. "No, no, no," he said. "No. Dad." His breathing hitched. "NO!"
"Ryan, you're having a flashback," the nurse tried to explain. "It's ok because
nothing's happening to you, right now. I want you to give me five things you
can feel touching you right now, ok? Can you do that?"
_________________
"Uh, ma'am?" Ryan started quietly. "Have you told Grace and Brendon yet?"
"Told them what?"
Ryan found Anthony to watch again and tried to shift Flowers around, back to
how she was before he was moved. "About the MRI scan?"
"Oh, that. I contacted the children's home and they should have contacted Grace
by now, your potential adopter, technically."
"Mmm."
"When is the investigator coming again, miss?" he asked carefully. She must of
just told him.
"Should be here any minute," she said over her shoulder while she wiped down
the counter. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah." Ryan definitely did not want to talk about it. He had just had a fit
earlier after some tapping seemed to remind him of parts of his struggle. It
started with him sobbing and kicking against the closet door with one foot,
then jumped to his father putting a hole in the wall with the same steady beat
before he had the pleasure of running through the entire episode before he fell
asleep in the ambulance. He woke up whimpering again, he had dreamed of it.
Those were the first signs and now the MRI confirmed it with his significantly
smaller than usual hippocampus. He hoped now that telling the investigator what
had happened wouldn't send him into another set.
Ryan whimpered at a knock on the door. "Fine," he grumbled, when the woman
called to him, sounding anxious. He could hear a man's sigh before more
clicking that brought the investigator to leaning on his right side bed rail.
"Hello, sir," Ryan introduced himself after the Mr. Ermittler. "It's nice to
meet you."
He inclined his head and shifted. "I just need to ask you a few questions, ok?
We hope to use what I get from you as evidence when the case comes around."
Ryan could see he was wearing a dark suit and had just taken off a hat. He had
a pad of paper and a pen in hand, along with a small recorder in his lap. "Yes,
sir."
"Do you think you could tell me what happened last Monday night? And why do you
think he did that?"
___________________
Ryan could only be told he had had another fit because he didn't remember
talking to the investigator at all. But he was told it was unusual, as he had
not necessarily seemed to have run through it in his head, but he took on a
strange persona with widening pupils until he had relaxed enough, after the
questioning, to come out of it. He didn't even know the day or time by the time
he 'woke up.'
***** Chapter 8 *****
Chapter Notes
     Almost didn't get this up today because my internet is so fucking
     spotty. Anyway, I had something to say about this chapter and now I
     can't remember. Anyway, I hope you like it.
     Oh, yeah. It was that I really, really didn't want Ryan to be bald.
_________________________
_______________________
_________________________
Brendon ran into Ryan's room, ignoring his mother's hissing at him to stop.
Ryan was coming home, finally.
B skid to a stop when he got inside an saw Ryan sat up on his bed, between two
pieces of rail. He had on all the same casts and clothes, but he was sitting.
There was a wheel chair waiting to take him to the car. "Are you still sore?"
Ryan looked from Miss. Ann to Grace following with a very pissed off look on
her face. His eyes were wide, surprised by Brendon's eagerness. He nodded.
Brendon squealed in front of him and bounced on his feet. He was coming home,
finally. He was going to tell Ryan all about everything with how they lived.
How relaxed they were. He was going to feed Ryan and tuck him in and talk more
about the baby and actually get to show him the website explaining everything.
"Careful, boys," Miss. Ann called halfheartedly while she offered forward the
papers on a clipboard to the other woman. Her son's release forms.
Ryan didn't want to anger the nurse or Grace, but Brendon was completely
oblivious to the impending danger. One was going to get angry and whack them
each. Ryan was ok with himself getting hit again, he didn't mind anymore, but
not Brendon. "Relax," he mumbled.
"I can't help it. I can almost hug you, now."
Ryan sighed. "You're going to make them angry. Just stop, ok?"
Brendon acted as if he couldn't hear and said, "You are so pretty."
Ryan's lips curved. "No, you're pretty."
"Come on," Grace called, not hiding that she was annoyed. She used to act
always happy, never bothered in front of Ryan, Brendon's friend. But now she
was, she thought, reasonably permanently pissed at him for getting her son
pregnant, in her home while she was at work. And he was going to have to see
her real side now anyway, if they would live in the same house, the next
bedroom door down.
Brendon left kisses to Ryan's coarse beard before he crawled off and picked up
the crutches for him. "Don't worry," he said. "You'll see she's just cranky.
We're gonna put you in my dad's bed while you're still broken, but then you can
sleep with me."
"No, he can't."
She looked angry, but Ryan knew she was not as cold to him as day one. He hoped
he could get her to like him soon.
__________________
Brendon held the door open, with the same wide grin he wore the whole way home,
for Ryan.
Ryan looked unsure from Brendon to the inside of his new home.
The bed hardly dipped when Grace laid Ryan back down, nearly on his back again.
He was very apologetic the whole time she had to carry him. "It's ok, honey.
Don't worry about it. I just wanted to, you know-. Um, I guess I should tell
you how we run things. I usually make dinner every night, but if I don't
Brendon, and you, too, of course, can just grab whatever from the kitchen. And
all day long, really. He basically eats all day. Um, I know you can't really
move, right now, but you can go and eat and drink whatever's in there whenever
you're hungry. Uh, we don't do much around here. So that's basically it. No
taking your shoes off on the carpet or timed tv watching or set times for
dinner or homework or anything."
"Ok," he said lamely. "Ok, thank you, miss."
"Grace."
"Sorry, very sorry," he mumbled, flipping his eyes to his chest.
____________
"He? How do you know it's a boy? I thought it took a couple months."
"Well, it's very rare to have a girl," Brendon explained again. He was holding
his phone in front of Ryan to show him videos and articles as they took a break
from the dinner he was trying to feed the other.
"Ryan, you're supposed to be eating," Grace said when she walked in the room
without knocking. "B, why aren't you feeding him?"
"He made it halfway through his plate and wanted to take a break," he
explained. "He's doing really well so I thought I'd show him the website," he
mumbled. His mom had hold of his head and wouldn't stop kissing.
She pointed her finger at Ryan. "You have to finish your plate, sweetheart.
You're gonna finish what you have and then you can always have more, you know.
And if you think you want to go talk to somebody about this, like a therapist
or something, if you think you need help, you just let me know. I can get you
to see somebody."
"We're gonna name the baby George Ryan Ross," Brendon said as soon as Ryan
could answer.
Grace rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed, next to Ryan's legs. "You need
to think more about that. Do you really want to carry on that name after what
his father did to him?"
"We're making him the second," Brendon said.
"The second?"
"Ryan is the first. His dad and grandfather are not included."
"The third," Ryan said. "My dad, me, my baby."
"Awww, your baby. You're gonna be such a good daddy."
________________
__________________
________________
The carpet tickled her feet when she hurried into Ryan's room, hair brush and
de-tangler in a shopping bag from the store she had just bought each from. Ryan
smiled at her when she came in, and he even gave a little laugh when she closed
the door. "I don't know if this is gonna work," she started. "But won't it
surprise B if we can finish by the time he gets home?"
"Yeah," Ryan mumbled, not so sure he was actually supposed to answer. He had
just gotten his neck brace off the day before, and his ribs and sternum were
healing nicely, if still a little sore. Every cast was off and he felt weaker
than ever, but he could move on his own. His face was still healing, but it
wasn't as bad as it was. He was going to get to go to school on Tuesday and get
a whole new wardrobe on Monday. It was Friday and they were trying to get his
mess of hair brushed out for the fun of seeing how long it was, but also
because Ryan wanted to avoid going to school completely bald for his return.
________________
Brendon knocked on the door as he walked in, but froze in the doorway. He hands
flew to his mouth, dropping his book bag. "Is that real?"
He laughed while he lifted the extensive locks of hair. He had stood up
already, to show himself, as soon as Grace had gotten enough out to show it's
full length, and the dead, dry end went past his hips. "Yeah."
Brendon hurried over and stroked it. It was brown, but lighter than the matt
was, and it was thin. Probably because most of it was lying on the ground.
"Babe, oh my god."
"Yeah, I know. I'm gonna try to wash it and then your mom said she could cut to
my shoulders."
"Is that how long you want it?" he asked, still petting.
"Well, I can't go to a cuttery or anything, because I don't-."
"Trust anyone with scissors near your neck."
"Well, yeah. And they'd have to be behind me. And mirrors, or not-. Whatever.
So your mom said she would just cut it strait over."
"You should donate it," Brendon suggested eagerly. "Are you gonna donate it?"
"I don't think anybody would actually want it. Like, I would if I thought they
would use it. But it's so thin and dead and it's been dirty for so long. You
know? Rat's literally in it and flies and all."
"Yeah, but maybe you should donate it anyway and if they use it, they use it."
"Ok, deer."
____
"Isn't it a little too hot for you to have your shirt still on?" Ryan pondered
while he looked up a sagging band logo. "You know? The steam from the water."
"I'm using cold water," he said. He was leaned over Ryan, struggling to wash
his hair since it seemed like it would be too difficult to do on his own. And
there was no way Ryan would be able to hold his head up once it was saturated.
He was already trying to rest it more on the wall of the tub, as much as he
could.
"You don't wanna get your shirt wet, do you? And with cold water? Then you'll
be-. Thanks."
Brendon rolled his eyes while he tossed it behind them. He ignored Ryan's hands
on his chest then hips, even though it did feel good. He could already look
down and see Ryan's bare chest, rising and falling. It was still scrappy, but
didn't look like Ryan was ready to die.
"You have to let me play with it before you cut it, though."
"Please, do," he said. "Just be careful because my scalp hurt like hell. More
than it was matted."
_________________________________
__________________________
Grace sighed from the door, hanging onto the strap of her purse over her
shoulder. "I don't know."
"But you just said!" Brendon whined, sitting on another end of the couch as
Ryan, so maybe it wouldn't be so hard to get her to go. It was Monday and
Brendon was staying home from school. So was Ryan. Brendon was sick and had
begged to for her to let him stay, arguing that he had thrown up, already, and
that he wouldn't want to fool around being ill. And since his mother was taking
half a day so she could help Ryan get new clothes, he told her he wanted to go
with them.
Ryan pretended to be busy studying his fingernails. He didn't really want to
return to school. Not for somebody to pick on him, he knew he was going to be
picked on. Not to be surrounded by people who were possibly, probably a danger
to him and also Brendon. He didn't want Brendon to return to school either and
only wished their schedules were the same so he could at least always know B
and the baby were always safe.
Grace's eyes rolled. She knew Ryan was respectful, but she couldn't trust him.
She couldn't just expect them to not do things with each other when the
opportunity was there and there was almost no way they would get caught.
Brendon furrowed his eyebrows. "I can't go, I'm sick," he whined. "And I want
Ryan to be with me."
She was going to be late and she couldn't be late again. "I'm trusting you,"
she said. "If I find out you two lied to me."
Brendon sighed and rolled over. "I'm not going to have sex while I'm sick. I'm
not going to kiss him."
Ryan's hair tickled his itchy neck when he turned his head to watch her go. His
neck was always itch, especially, when compared to everything else that was
also always irritated. Maybe he had a skin condition. He didn't have much time
to wonder, though, when Brendon jumped into his lap at the close of the door.
"Hello."
Brendon didn't answer, only pressed their mouths together. It was great kissing
Ryan now, now that he didn't always have to cram mints and gum into his mouth
to cover up his breath, but now that his mouth was actually clean. He took in a
deep breath through his nose smushed against Ryan, holding the other's jaws. He
listened to the sound of his mom's car door shut and then the engine go while
it backed up. "I love you," he mumbled.
Ryan smiled and pulled away, putting his hands to Brendon's chest and pushing
him back. "I love you, too."
Brendon sighed and found his way to sit side pressed to front on Ryan's lap.
"Let's go take a bath."
"Why?"
"Because I love you... and I love baths... Let's go take a bath."
"Together?"
"Yeah. But we'll make sure you're really clean before we sit in the water, we
don't wanna sit in dirty water. Babe, it's gonna feel so good. You're gonna
feel great."
"What is?"
"Being clean! Even after all those showers you got before, you still got back
into dirty clothes. Oh! I'll put these in the wash while we're in the bath and
we'll take a really long one, to relax and get you clean, then you get out and
into fresh clothes! You'll love it. Come on."
Ryan smiled with half of his mouth, making his stupidly fat cheeks squish his
eye and making Brendon squeal happily at him when it happened, making him coo
and tell him how adorable he was.
Ryan hobbled over to the bathroom and watched quietly while Brendon undressed.
He could tell Brendon was trying, but he enjoyed the great show. Then Brendon
undressed him, slowly again, and leaving soft, fluttering kisses making goose
bumps from his bellybutton to his ribs while he drew up the navy blue
sweatshirt with his nose and inched down his color matched sweats to where they
could fall with his hands.
Brendon giggled into Ryan's chest when he was being gently pushed back. "Save
it for the bath," he was told.
Ryan sat in his underwear on the toilet seat while he waited for Brendon to get
the plastic bag for his cast. The glinting chrome faucet teased him when he
looked. Ryan was tempted to turn it on and get in, to feel clean water run down
his back instead of sweat. To get some of the mess off before Brendon even
returned; he was taking forever.
Brendon only had to add Ryan's last article of clothing to the rest in the wash
before he could help Ryan in. The water was warm on Brendon's foot when he
kicked some to the back. He wouldn't plug it until Ryan was clean. Then they
could relax.
Ryan started in the back, but he moved himself forward and on his side under
the scorching hot running water, letting it splash off his ribs, his one leg
fold against him and one casted out of the tub, over it's wall.
Brendon was glad to see Ryan's massive smile while he wriggled all cramped
under the water. His finger tips felt along gently where Ryan was wet before he
started rubbing with his whole hand. Ryan twisted to let his stomach have a
turn, encouraging Brendon to keep going. He pouted when Brendon took a cup to
catch the flow of water for only a moment. "Good Ryro," he praised. "Good boy,
babe."
Ryan rolled all around under the faucet, getting everywhere from the top of his
head to the under of a foot, giggling while it tickled him. "It's getting
cold," he said in a laugh. He wouldn't mind if it were ice water, so long as it
was clean ice water.
Brendon wrapped his arms around Ryan's chest from behind and pressed his torso
to the other one's back before he rocked him side to side. "We'll turn it off
for a while and let it get hot again. I'll get you clean with some soap while
we wait."
Ryan's fists hit his chest and his arms shook while he giggled deeply with
excitement. He couldn't remember the last time he was this happy. Actually, it
was about a week ago, but didn't last long.
The purple loofa sponge's leaves collapsed while Brendon drizzled cold, pink
shampoo over them.
Until he could feel the rough sponge on his sensitive back, Ryan was eager and
smiling, ready to be scrubbed. "No. It's scratchy," he said quickly and wormed
away.
Brendon rolled his eyes and toyed with the sponge until he got the soap on his
hands, which bubbled quickly on Ryan's chest and shoulder and turned brown.
Ryan looked down to watch the dirty suds fall away. Even before he had to get
back into filthy clothing, Ryan's few showers never got him this clean. He was
always concerned with going quickly, before his friend's parent's got home, or,
one time, even his friend. Plus, the hospital didn't let him leave in the state
he came in, so there was less for the soap to work at. And having a bath with
Brendon added to his first cleansing experience in years. Ryan went with
Brendon's hands and let him get everywhere while praise was laced with being
told he looked beautiful with the new weight over and over again, until he felt
pretty ok. He was still going to lose it, but it was nice that Brendon would
compliment him like that.
The water was warm again by the time the only thing left needing washing was
Ryan's hair, again. Brendon had gotten up in the middle of the scrubbing of the
other's body to change the wash.
Ryan moaned even louder when they got to his hair. His neck went with it, and
even his face, where they could. "Brendon," he whimpered. This was better than
their sex was. Way better. He couldn't bite his lip and keep any pleads in. He
begged for more water and soap, more lathering and scrubbing. He was moaning.
The back of his neck wasn't even itchy, anymore. No part of him was.
Brendon washed Ryan's hair a few times under the faucet, making sure everything
was clean, from behind his ears to his scarred neck. "Baby, you're so pretty,"
he said. "You've gained a little bit of weight and now you're clean. Are you
happy?"
"I'm so comfortable," he whined. He wasn't able to resist the breakfast Grace
had set out for him when she made a complaining Brendon's. He had decided
tomorrow was a good day to begin trying to lose weight, mainly vomiting behind
their backs. So now his belly was full and Brendon was beginning to fill the
tub with more hot water. He hadn't felt comfortable in a long time.
Brendon toweled Ryan off with the softest bath towel they had once the water
had gotten cold and their toes were getting wrinkly. He helped Ryan dress
before he pulled the taller one's face down to kiss over the lips. "Still
comfy?"
"Very comfy." Ryan followed Brendon out to the living room and dropped to the
floor when he was left alone.
Brendon wasn't very surprised with the cold bowls of ice cream in his hands, to
find Ryan rolling around on the floor giggling, looking like he was trying to
scratch at his back. "Have some ice cream," he said and kneeled next to him to
give him his bowl.
_______________________________________
Grace actually smiled at the two, both of them, sitting on the couch together,
watching the animal channel- some puppies tumbling around on the screen. "Are
you ever going to grow?" she asked her son, who was sitting in the other boy's
lap.
Brendon wrinkled his nose at her and took Ryan's hand to get him to stop trying
to nudge him off. He didn't know yet, but would learn that Grace was a lot less
strict that she said. He knew his mother wouldn't mind what they were doing.
She wouldn't like it, she wouldn't like her only child touching any boys, but
she wasn't going to get angry and ground them each forever, like she said.
Ryan flashed Grace a smile before bowing his head. He watched out of the corner
of his eye her come up to kiss Brendon's hair, she even squeezed his shoulder
and touched his arm. He was pretty sure they were beginning to warm up to each
other, progressing faster now that they had been in the same house for weeks
and had had meals together, some of which were her spoon feeding him. He still
stuck close to Brendon, following him around like he might if he were at a
friend's, visiting for the first time. Brendon had been setting him up in bed
the past few nights he could leave it, basically tucking him in and giving him
a goodnight kiss, and promised he would keep doing that until Ryan was
completely comfortable, or more until Grace had gotten used to him enough that
she wouldn't have a heart attack to see them wake up in the same bed. Ryan
wasn't sure he would ever settle in enough to not feel the need to ask for a
drink of water, even though Brendon told him he didn't need to whisper he was
thirsty in his ear.
Brendon turned around to straddle Ryan's lap and face him. "Look mom, he's all
clean! He took a bath."
She had a feeling he hadn't taken it alone, but there was nothing she could
really do. 16 and 17 year olds were going to do their own thing when left alone
in a house. She regretted saying it was ok, but it was over now and there was
no changing it. "Yeah? I can tell, his hair is kinda curly. It's really clean,
now."
Ryan tipped his head to see. It was brown, he knew that, and some did curl
loosely. He would have never known, it started about halfway down. "Oh, yeah."
Brendon nodded and ran his fingers through it. They had brushed it once it had
dried, it was very soft. "You want to get it cut Ryan?"
Ryan shrugged. He definitely was not going to ask Grace to spend any of her
money taking him somewhere. He didn't like his long hair, but it was better at
his shoulders than almost to his knees. Maybe he could take his bike to the
cheap little hair cuttery Brendon told him about a few times and use 15 dollars
of his own money, once he had gotten his cast taken off. "I don't know," he
said. "I do, but."
"We can go today," Grace said from the kitchen.
Ryan had to have Brendon repeat the mumble that met his ear before he shook his
head. "Not today."
"Why not?"
Ryan shrugged. He didn't really know how expensive clothes were these days, but
Grace seemed set on buying more for him that day, before he could get the money
sealed in the drawer in his room. /His/ room, at home. He wasn't going to let
her take him to get his hair cut, too. And he needed his shots. The children's
home, the school, and the hospital said. They were going after he got his
clothes to the doctor. Then to get his hair cut? He didn't want her to think he
felt ok with the pampering. He didn't want to be greedy. He knew she would and
he knew she would say she didn't mind.
Brendon nodded to her before he could turn back to Ryan for a kiss. "I'll get
your shoe, ok?"
Ryan nodded and sat forward, then to the edge of the couch, trying not to look
so lazy and helpless with Grace standing just at the TV. He felt awkward and
tried to look like he was getting ready to stand. But she wasn't paying
attention and Brendon seemed to have forgotten what a shoe even looked like
with how long it was taking him to get them. So it was silent, not even the
t.v. was playing. And he had nothing to do or think about.
Brendon smiled when he got back around the corner, but it faded from his mouth
while he watched Ryan stare intently at his mother. "Babe."
Ryan's mouth gaped and he started to lean forward. His eyes softened to a sad
expression, then squinted, making him look confused.
"Mom? Is he ok?"
Grace turned, made eye contact with Ryan and covered her ears when he screamed.
Her and Brendon both hurried forward, but it was her son who kneeled by his
side and started to go through the exercises they had looked up to help deal
with his flashbacks. He had fallen on a twisted arm and was slowly drawing his
knees to his chest, forcing himself to his side, all while struggling to get
air in enough for the next shout.
Brendon found the bear on the couch. They had just been sitting with it. He
didn't think Ryan had let go of it since he got it, except for while he took
his bath, though Flowers had been in the room. "Look, baby," he called, holding
it in front of Ryan's face, even though his eyes were shut. "It's your bear!
Ryan, stop, ok? Do you see Flowers? Stop screaming. It's not happening,
remember. Just be calm, it's over. This isn't real, what you're doing."
Ryan fell into hyperventilation and was present just enough to force his arms
up and bring the bear back to his chest. He couldn't help the screaming, he
tried to stop, but something else was forcing him to do it.
"Is this his PTSD?" Brendon asked while Ryan was trying to draw in more air.
"This is it, right?"
"I-. Shit," she hissed. "Yeah, yeah. It is. Just sit with him ok? Try and calm
him down and we'll see if we can't still go."
Brendon nodded and crawled roughly over Ryan to be the big spoon.
"Be careful," she groaned. "You're not supposed to touch him."
Brendon nuzzled his nose to the back of Ryan's sweet smelling neck and hummed
to his shoulder blade. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, hoping Ryan could hear
with his one, damaged ear while he was slowly being reduced to crying and heavy
breathing. "I don't know how to help you. I'm just going to hold you for a
while, ok? I don't know what else to do. But you know you have Flowers. So now
you can just relax because your tummy's full and you're clean and you're warm
and I'm hugging you. Ok?"
Ryan nodded as soon as he had time to process what was being said. His chest
felt too tight to get in the proper breath, so he went much faster and louder
than he should have. He tried to remember what had happened in only the last
thirty seconds or so, of course he wasn't sure, but he couldn't remember
beginning to scream, only hearing Brendon far away offering him his bear.
Brendon stretched while Ryan kept trying to curl in on himself. "You're fine.
Ok? You're ok."
Ryan nodded. Flowers tumbled around while he found Brendon's wrist to pull off.
He had opened his eyes and saw Grace's legs go around the kitchen.
Brendon didn't argue, only sat up. He had no idea how Ryan was going to return
to school and take all his classes when all it took was a steady beat to set
him off to screaming and falling on the floor, or, as they had just seen,
sometimes even silence. "We're going to go to the store now, ok? To get you
some clothes. You'll be very busy the whole time, I promise. I won't stop
talking. And you know me, it'll be easy."
Ryan followed in sitting. His hair tickled his face while he nodded.
Grace came back out a few minutes later to see Ryan with his sandals on and a
finger through the wired, flowery ribbon of his teddy bear. "You're gonna bring
that?"
Ryan shook his head quickly and let her fall off his finger to the couch. "Not
if-. No, of course not, ma'am."
"Just Grace, ok?" He nodded, eyes getting wider at the correction. It must have
been the hundredth time, and he didn't want to find out what her limit was on
repeating herself. "Only because I'll bet your dad made you call people ma'am
and sir."
"It's respectful," he mumbled unsurely, lowering his eyes.
"Yeah, but you called a three year old sir when we were leaving the hospital."
Ryan nodded. The boy had said hi, so he said hello back. Of course he called
the boy sir, the boy was a superior.
"Right. Well it's something you did when you were being abused, so we're not
gonna do that anymore, ok?"
"Yes, ma'am-. Eh, Grace! Yes, Grace."
She sighed and came a little closer. "Don't just use Grace in place of it, ok?
We need to get you out of the habits you were in with your dad. I know it might
be hard to see it in another light, but he was very abusive to you. Do you see?
You're scared. I'm just trying to tell you it's ok, that it's all. It's alright
if you accidentally call me ma'am or use Grace in place of it a few times, but
I just don't want you to think you still have to. You're not going to be abused
here. I know I came off as pretty angry when you first came over, when we told
you, or when you got home. But I was just upset because my baby's pregnant. I
still am upset, he's only 16. I'm not happy, but I know mistakes can happen, so
now I'm here to help. Ok?"
Ryan nodded. "Yes, Grace-! Yes... Yes."
She smiled when his anxious eyes found hers. "We're gonna be friends now, ok?"
she said. "It was just an accident what happened, I know teenage boys will do
what they do. I know you never thought this could ever happen. And I know now
you two need help. So we're gonna be friends now, ok?" He nodded again, a shy
smile on his lips. "Here, give me a hug."
Ryan pulled away with a bright grin. He seemed to instantly feel more
comfortable with her, as if just the hug had bonded them. But then again, he
always had had a problem of getting to comfortable and too attached too
quickly. "Thanks," he said quietly.
"We'll get you out of those habits, ok? No one deserves to be treated that way,
ever. And you can bring your bear if you want to."
Ryan nodded, not quite comfortable enough to argue that he was treated fine.
__________
Brendon smiled up at Ryan in front of a display of deodorants. Flowers was in
his hands, going along with his fingers while Ryan listened to Grace.
"Pick out whichever one you want," she said. "I usually get Brendon this one, I
don't know if you want the same." She nodded and smiled when he looked to her
with diffident eyes and watched as he reached for a pink one. She almost said,
"Oh, honey, that's a girl's," but he had just named a teddy bear he takes
everywhere 'Flowers' and she was sure he could tell by the color and design.
She smiled again when he looked to her, almost like he didn't know what to do
next. He probably didn't. "Do you want to smell it? So you know if you like
it?"
"You can't do that until you buy it."
She smiled at his wide eyes and took it from him gently. She pulled the lid off
and he looked appalled, but then again, he had the innocence of a ten year old
when it came to shopping. And she wasn't sure he went often when he could. She
did always try to leave a young, curious, and always hyper Brendon at home,
with his father, when she could. "It's ok," she promised him quickly. He had
taken a step back. "Ryan, you're allowed to smell things before you buy them."
Shocked Grace would do that, and in the middle of the store, Ryan was shaking
his head. He was even scared. "No, you have to buy it. You can't do that."
Brendon took it from his mother and brought it to his nose. "I like it," he
said, lifting it to Ryan's nose. "It smells pretty, like you look."
Ryan jerked away. "Stop it," he whined. "Put it back." They were upsetting him,
making him vey nervous. What if the shop keeper came up and hit them? It could
happen. He hated to think it, but they did deserve it.
Brendon could remember getting this frustrated when he first saw his mom spray
some air freshener. "You're supposed to smell it," he assured. "So you know if
you like it. Here, try it."
Ryan moved back. "I don't want to do that," he said. They were really freaking
them out. How could they do this? It was like stealing. He'd stolen before, but
this was still different. He was never so blatant about it. Plus, it was him.
He would never have expected this from them.
"It's not bad."
"I don't want to, Brendon," he hissed, getting more and more worried. Were they
going to get in trouble? There were cameras all over the place.
"Ok, well it's pretty and I like it. Do you want it?"
He looked for the price and saw it was among the cheapest there. "Can I get
this one, Grace?" He was still put off, but tried to move past it.
She nodded. "But you know that one's not really for boys?" She just wanted to
make sure, so he wouldn't be embarrassed putting it on in gym class or if he
sat with boys and smelled like a flower.
He nodded. "Yeah. Oh- should I get a boy one?"
"No, not if you want that one. I just wanted to make sure you knew."
B added two of the deodorants to the cart that already had school supplies,
since Ryan wouldn't be able to get anything from his house until the police
would escort him, which they promised would be soon. The only thing he had
useful to do with school after only a week of class was a few expensive
textbooks, anyway. Grace had a new school bag in the cart, too, so now all they
really needed were some clothes.
Brendon pulled Ryan's face down carefully and held him while he gave him a
kiss, making Ryan wrinkle his nose. "What?"
Ryan shrugged. "My neck," he mumbled when they started following behind Grace
again. "Someone's gonna make fun of it." He was already pulling his collar up
to his chin.
"No they won't, baby. You look perfect."
"Brendon, I know you want me to feel good about how I look, but I also know I
don't look good. Don't even try with my neck, it's like I'm ninety in that spot
only." He sighed when B pouted up at him. "I can see I'm ugly, B. You don't
have to pretend."
Brendon's shoulder's fell. Ryan's neck did look sort of funky. "Wear a scarf,"
he suggested.
"I don't want to; scarves are dumb," he grumbled.
"Don't be miserable," Brendon groaned. "Now would you like a scarf or not?"
"Yeah."
"Um, um, Grace?" Ryan started carefully. She looked to him with lifted
eyebrows, waiting. "I have twelve hundred dollars I'm going to give to you once
I can get it from my home. I just wanted to tell you now. I know where it is
and it's cash and everything, but it's in my old room."
She shook her head. "Twelve hundred? No, Ryan."
"But the books... the clothes. I'm pretty sure doctors are expensive. And I of
course plan on getting a job. I swear, I will. I just figured, you know. I
couldn't look before because I was laid up and I was going to look this
weekend, after I get back to school. I-. Well, of course, I mean, unless I
should look for one, now. I can. I'll pay for everything I can and I'm gonna
save some and I'll-."
"Right. I'm your guardian now. Now I'm buying you clothes. You keep the money
for the baby, alright?" It didn't immediately hit her, but she wondered how a
kid like him could get that much money.
He wouldn't argue, but he would give her his money. For taking him in when she
didn't need to. For this shopping trip, for bringing Brendon to see him every
week, for feeding him. For knocking up her /son/.
"Do you want to try something on?" she asked, returning to the tags and sizes.
"Um." He didn't want to try anything on, not in the store. Then he might have
to come out red faced and tear stained to tell them, in front of other
shoppers, the clothes they thought would fit never buttoned around his waist.
"I don't-. I mean, of course. If you like."
She shook her head and flipped through some men's button downs, hoping he
wouldn't take them over to the women's section. Of course, she would get him
what he liked, but really hoped that if they did end up there, they would only
be getting jeans like Brendon's. "No, not if you don't want to. I guess it can
be kinda weird. I don't do it. But what do you like, honey? Let's pick
something out and you can try it when we get home." She could always just come
back for the smaller sizes.
Ryan wished they would stop looking at some of the smaller sizes there. Now he
was going to have to go home and tell them red faced and tear stained that they
needed to go back for larger sizes. But he was a little scared to speak up; he
wasn't really allowed to speak up and only did with the deodorant because he
was so surprised and worried. "I don't think these are gonna fit," he managed
to mumble in Brendon's ear when he added green and black, pinstriped, high
waisted, slim trousers to their cart.
Scarves of various prints, colors, and long lengths sitting on top of different
patterned or striped button downs were disturbed when Brendon lifted the pants
back out. He held them to Ryan's hips and tipped his head.
Ryan was embarrassed by just that, the contemplation that something he tried to
squeeze his fat self into may not fit. He backed up.
Brendon shook his head. "No, they will, baby."
"I think everything is going to be too small," he grumbled. Ryan felt the
intense, physical pain pull in his chest again. His mind was racing. His
stomach churned and his legs felt weak. He was scared, he was anxious.
"No," Brendon sighed and dropped them back in. "You're just doing that thing
again. You'll probably have plenty of room in everything."
Grace lifted an eyebrow while she went through and picked out some brown pants.
"What about these, Ryan?"
Ryan nodded. "I don't think I need anything else," he said quietly. She did say
they were friends, now.
"Mommy, look!" Brendon gasped, picking up a thin, flowery vest. "Can we get him
some of these?"
"If he wants. But ask him, Brendon," she said firmly when he dropped the vest
in the cart. "He isn't a baby doll."
Ryan nodded when Brendon looked and held it up for him. "But I think we've got
too much now," he repeated. "I don't really /need/ all this."
"You need two or three more pants, then we can be done. Ok?"
Ryan nodded glumly. He felt like he was taking all her money.
_________________________________________________
The doctor's office had a small room like a box, separated, but connected with
a service window, to the rest of the waiting room. There was a little corner
with kid's things in it, like a small, pretend kitchen and a set of beads on
twisting rods. Ryan, Brendon, and Grace sat in plastic, maroon colored chairs,
across from a man and woman sitting next to one another. Ryan was the only one
bouncing his leg uncontrollably, making his chair rock. He couldn't remember
the last time he was to a doctor, what it was like, or what shots felt like. He
thought he could see a big, open, white room when he tried to remember his last
visit. He hoped he was right. He would rather a big space than a little one
when he was taking his family in to potential danger.
"Ryan, relax," Grace said, touching his knee. He immediately stopped bouncing
leg, making her regret trying to calm him down. It was hard to tell if he was
trying to act like she was like his father. He did that when she asked him to
stop, but he also hugged her, and spoke up in the store. They had talked about
it a bit, and she knew he was getting more comfortable when he did that.
"I'm sorry."
"It's ok, Ryan. There's nothing to worry about. Haven't you been to a doctor
before? When you were younger, at least?"
"Yeah, but I don't remember," he admitted. "Is the doctor mean? Is he gonna,
like, hurt us?"
"No, you'll be fine."
The plastic chair leaned when Ryan bent closer to Brendon. "Is he gonna be mad
we're gay, too?" he asked quietly. "Let's not-."
"No," he said, cutting him off. "No, he won't. Nobody here will be."
Ryan couldn't help his loud breathing, going so fast and light, he got
lightheaded. He could feel himself beginning to sweat and shot a hand up to
wipe his forehead. He whimpered as quietly as he could when Grace tried to
massage his ribs and he tried hiding his head behind Brendon. "'M scared."
Brendon sat up tall to give Ryan a twisted hug and kiss his cheek. He could
feel Ryan relaxing while he held him, but only to pick up worse.
"Stop," he groaned and tried to pull away softly. "We shouldn't do this in
public."
Brendon's arms gradually loosened. "Why not?"
"Because. " Ryan ducked his head and sat back. "What if someone like my dad
comes along?"
"You're paranoid."
"I'm being cautious."
"George Ross?"
Ryan started and froze. He whimpered and halfheartedly tried to get his wrist
back from Grace when she tugged on it. She kept pulling while Brendon put a
guiding hand on his shoulder to get him to stand, before moving it to his back.
He dropped his head to watch his feet and the backs of Grace's ankles, content
with having Brendon holding his back, while they met the woman. He shied away
from her hand and accidentally bumped into the wall. He was always taught to
put his hand out first. He was taught that it was more respectful, especially
with a woman. He figured he moved too slow for her. His aunt usually was the
one to discipline him in private if he failed when she introduced him to
someone new. He figured, since his aunt wasn't there, maybe the woman would do
it herself.
Brendon slipped an arm around Ryan's waist and softly guided him back, to meet
the woman. "She said her name is Molly."
"I apologize, miss," he mumbled, almost to himself. "Very sorry, ma'am."
Grace smiled apologetically and shook her head. "We have a little work to do
with him," she said quietly, hoping he wouldn't hear. "And this might as well
be his first doctor's visit, so."
Molly nodded. "That's fine. He's fine. Come on over here and we'll get you
started, ok?"
He had very little doubt in his mind that his father was anything like one of a
kind. Ryan knew his father could act perfectly normal one minute, then turn on
him the next. These people may be the same. He didn't know, so there was no way
he going to walk in relaxed with slacked shoulders. He was going to do
everything he did when he was in the care of his father. Under his father's
family's impossibly strict, draconian regime and the spontaneous, violent
outbursts of his father himself.
Grace got a little nervous when they were brought to the scale. She wasn't sure
Ryan would get on.
"Here, do you wanna just step up on this box for me? Yeah, there you go. It's
ok," she coaxed when he glanced up, enabling her to see the wild look of fear
set in his eyes. "Don't even worry about it," she said, keeping on when she saw
it was working.
Ryan found it was always easiest to just listen to his family when he knew they
were being sarcastic with the praise and the hushing, or when they faked it,
every time. He just had to wait for the beating. They often talked to him like
that when they had to take him out in public, so they would seem nice. But as
soon as they could get him into a bathroom or empty hall, they let go. Maybe if
he could get Grace and Brendon to stay with him the whole time, this lady would
never get her chance. Though he would naturally make them go if he caught her
cooing to them. He wouldn't risk them just to be comforted when he was scared
of something new. He would walk himself home so they could get in the car fast
enough to get away.
Ryan tried not to hear the mammoth number she read gently out loud, but failed.
He was up two pounds and had serious trouble restraining himself from turning
and storming out of the room to sob. He shuddered when Brendon touched his back
and snaked away, hoping it wasn't already too late and that Brendon hadn't
already felt how soft he was.
B knit his eyebrows when Ryan pulled away and sniffled. "This is good," he
promised. "You look great, ok?"
Ryan pulled away with more urgency. There had been times when they stopped what
they were doing only to pull him aside so they could correct him. "Stop," he
hissed from behind the Molly, on the way down a short hall to a new room. It
was tiny. She let herself in and stood to let him in next.
Grace could see him beginning to panic again. "Maybe we can leave the door open
the whole time?" Grace suggested. "He's pretty claustrophobic."
"Sure."
Ryan took in a deep breath and started forward. Brendon followed, then Grace,
while Molly made him sit on the end of a sort of bed like the ones the nurses
had, only this one had a stripe of paper down the middle. She pulled out a
little step for him that came out like a drawer from the base and encouraged
him to use it. A chair and one of two stools were taken by either Grace or
Brendon. He watched the woman closely when she reached in a basket on the wall
by the head of the bed-like thing he was on. She took out the blue thing, with
Velcro like a shoe and a black tube with a sphere at the end. Visiting doctors
was never something he had to do often in the first place, and was never
something memorable. He could only say for sure that he had gone once when he
was a kid and only could recall a snapshot of the floor, some cabinets, and the
wall. Everything else was gone. The paper crinkled loudly beneath him when he
shied away from her at first, hoping this was routine. He only knew about the
scale because the nurses had one. Luckily, they had never put him on it,
before.
Molly got his wrist and pulled slightly. "I've got to check your blood
pressure," she explained. "Calm down, hon. I'm just gonna put this around your
arm, ok?" He tossed his head down and pushed his arm to her. "It's gonna get
tighter slow, alright?"
Ryan didn't hear anything that she was saying, only knew that she was saying it
gently. He gave her his arm when she cued him for it and decided it was better
not to watch. He shook his head, trying to let her know it was working, he was
in pain. At least, a discomfort. But maybe she would think he was in pain. That
would be good for him, if she were to think she was already taking it far. She
wouldn't want to kill him. He tried even to get his arm back when his hand got
a bit colder. He wondered why she was even wasting her time doing this to him.
He had endured a whole lot worse, but still hoped this was no opener.
Next was something Ryan recognized. The stethoscope. Maybe he was a little too
excited when he pointed to his heart.
"Yeah! So I can hear your heart. Do you wanna let me?"
Brendon smiled at his mom with a face that almost said, 'I told you so,' when
he saw her notice Ryan touch where his heart should be. Ryan was way too
childish, too sensitive and boring to ever go to a party. He would just think
it was scary and want to go home. Grace smiled at him and shrugged.
Ryan hung his head so she could, but gasped when she stuck her cold hand under
his sweatshirt and tried to pull away. He didn't think she would go under his
shirt. Molly put a hand on his back to direct him back. "Sounds good, hon! I
think you have a healthy heart. Now I want to hear you breath, ok?"
He nodded and was less surprised when she put her hand under his top again. He
breathed only when he was told. Molly was clearly a hell of a lot stricter than
anyone he'd ever met before. He nearly pulled away when he saw a bit of a
worried look on her face.
"What's the matter?" Grace asked. She was nearly praying in her head that she
hadn't inherited some kid, who she was still a bit unsure of, with expensive
medical problems never realized before. She didn't doubt he could have
something wrong with his respiratory system caused by living in the stench he
did. Then there was that house fire he was in for more than five minutes at the
end. She was told they were surprised he didn't suffocate.
"It just sounds a little wheezy," she mumbled, moving to the next spot on his
chest. "He's probably just getting a cold. I would follow up on it, though.
Make sure it's nothing more than that."
Ryan arched his back when she moved over to listen from there. She told him to
relax again, so he tried. But he couldn't see her and worried over it. Paper
crinkled with his every move while she led him to lay back. He felt very
vulnerable with his chest and stomach up, the vital places that needed most
protecting. He attempted shooting back upright when she started pressing down
on his belly, but her other hand was already on his shoulder to lay him back
down. She told him to relax, yet again, but he couldn't when she was trying to
discipline him in such a sensitive area. He could die easily if she took it too
far. "Please," he started, ready to beg for his life. He managed to sit up and
barred her with his arm. "Please, miss. I'm sorry."
"I just want to feel your diaphragm while you breath. Make sure everything is
ok. Sound good?"
"Please don't kill me," he whined, unable to stop himself from getting
emotional. "Please, miss."
"Oh," she sighed. "No, sweetheart. I'm not gonna do anything like that! Grace
here told me this is your first doctor visit. Right?"
He laid down again when she steered him to by pushing carefully on his
shoulders. "Mm-mm," he said while he shook his head. "I went once before but I
was little and I don't remember anything, ma'am."
"Oh," she said, sounding intrigued. "Ok. Well I'm one of the doctor's
assistants, here. I don't think you need to see the doctor today, since you're
just getting a check up and then some vaccines. So now I'm just making sure
you're healthy. We got your height and weight, your blood pressure, your heart,
you're breathing. I want to check your spine since I guess that means you
haven't had a physical in a while, or at all. So we can just make sure it's
strait." She helped him sit up. "Does that sound good?"
Ryan nodded. He kept his eyes wide and watching everything she did, making sure
her hands to help him off and to the ground were not doing anything else. He
checked that they were empty, swiveling his head around to catch them when he
could. She had him bend over slightly and put his chin to his chest, but he
kept moving it to see where she was. The woman was patient with him and didn't
even seem to get any angrier when Brendon came up to pet his head while she
felt along his back. He was sure she was going to stab him, but it was either
take one knife, or needle, with what she was saying, or jump around and protest
to risk further injury, plus his family. He cried gently while she was still
out of sight with hopes that she would like hearing him upset and in pain, like
his old family sometimes did.
Brendon took Ryan's hand when he was sitting again and leaned up to kiss his
nose. Ryan face was still run with fear while Molly was telling Grace he was
healthy before she could go get all the vaccines he needed. Ryan had a bit of
catching up to do.
Ryan tried to see her when she came back in, only aware that she had a little
box with her, this time, while he still needed his head hung. "Ready for the
first one?" she asked and picked something out of the box. The cap to the pen-
like thing was taken off to show Ryan a glinting needle. So she was stepping it
up. She was really ready to stab or cut him, now.
"It's ok," Brendon promised while he squeezed Ryan's hand. "She's-. Babe, it's
only a needle. Ryan, stop."
He started by moaning before she could even touch him, then moved on to lift
his head to shake it and to watch her closer. "No," he said, leaning back.
"Yeah, it's only a needle, sweetheart. I'm going to give you a vaccine, so you
won't get sick. It's gonna help you."
Ryan went from quiet mewling to loud, bothered whining. "No," he said again,
while she rolled up his sleeve for optimum stabbing conditions. He sat still
enough while she rubbed his arm with gloved fingers, but jerked away when she
brought the end of the needle to his skin. It was fight or flight, he wasn't
even in control when he held onto the side of the bed-thing and pulled himself
away. He couldn't help, but deeply regretted, the lifting of his feet and
pushing them against her, not entirely kicking.
Brendon opened his arms for Ryan coming his way. He kissed Ryan's neck while
the other pressed the bare arm to his chest, it seemed so no one could get it.
"I do this all the time, babe," Brendon said after making sure he was talking
to Ryan's right ear. "It really doesn't hurt."
"She's gonna kill us," he told Brendon's chest. "She's gonna stab me with it
and she's gonna kill me."
"She's really not. Here, just sit up, ok," he groaned while pushing a resisting
Ryan up right. The chair legs screeched on the tile when Brendon drug the chair
over so he could gain leverage to hold Ryan's head steady, so Ryan wouldn't be
able to watch. Grace even came up to hold down his scrunching legs while Molly
held his arm down with one hand.
"You ready?" she asked while she brought the needle back to his arm. He groaned
so loudly she moved to close the door without his knowledge before coming back.
"Ok, one," she started with the needle already in. She pushed down the plunger,
prompting Ryan to moan desperately. The boy wriggled his way free and got to
the other side of the room.
"Ryan," Grace sighed.
Ryan immediately sunk to the floor when he reached the corner and wrapped his
head in his arms. "She's gonna kill me," he began to chant while he stayed
perched on his feet to rock himself forward back. "She's trying to kill me!"
"I'm sorry," Brendon said in a sigh. He followed behind Ryan and squat next to
him.
Ryan shook his head while he rocked himself faster. He hummed until he groaned
before Brendon could steady him. "I want to go," he whined. "We can't stay
here, anymore."
"We're going home as soon as you let the lady finish giving you your shots. So
just get up, ok? That's all we have left. Then we get to leave, babe. We're
gonna go home and you can try on your clothes and then I'll get you in bed.
Alright?"
Ryan choked back a scream before he shouted, "Get back, Brendon! Stop it! Go
away."
Grace looked to the other woman with wide eyes. "I'm so sorry," she said
through the other shaking her head, dismissing it politely. "I just adopted
him. He was... treated very poorly for a very long time. I never thought he
would react like this. It's just-. Him and Brendon are dating and I think he's
freaking out because his family was all very opposed to things like that. And
he has PTSD and I don't know if that's why but I think he thinks everybody is
out to get him."
Molly started by shaking her head before she nodded. The doctor was in the
room, ready to help try to get Ryan relaxed enough to get his shots, or calm
enough to see him go, afraid he may be too stressed.
Ryan quieted down when he could feel a man had joined Brendon, though he kept
rocking, going even faster and slamming himself to the wall.
"Hey, just relax," Dr. Arzt said with a hand on Ryan's knee. "No need to worry,
ok? You need your shots, don't you?"
Ryan pressed up into the corner and tried to sit taller each time he thought
the man had gotten closer. "Please," he begged. "Please, sir. I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. Please, just let me go."
"Ok. Alright. We won't do anything you can't handle. Just try and calm down so
we can get everything sorted out."
"She's trying to stab me," he hissed. Ryan's body faced the rest of the room,
but he twisted his neck to speak almost right into the corner. "She's gonna
stab me! She stabbed me!"
"Nobody's stabbing you, bud."
"Ryan."
"Right. Nobody has stabbed you, ok, Ryan? What I think is she was just trying
to give you your shot. You need to get all your shots so we can make sure you
stay healthy. They're vaccines. But there's only one way we can vaccinate you."
Brendon turned by the tapping on his shoulder. "Ryan, look," he said, twisting
back. "That Miss. Molly has a band aid for you. Here, I'll do it, ok?"
"Oh, see!" Dr. Arzt tried. "You already got one, huh? Now you just need a
couple more before you can go." Ryan shook his head quickly, whining a quiet
"No." "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, come one. Get up and I'll give you the shots you
need. Ready? Come on, get up."
Ryan pushed himself up, leaning into the corner, still, and got back to the bed
by moving as far as he could around the people, with his head hung, his eyes
lifted to watch them. Grace helped him back onto the blue vinyl before Brendon
could hop up and sit next to him.
Brendon sat tall and hugged Ryan's head, pulling him down to bring it to his
chest, when he saw the doctor turn around with a new needle. Grace got Ryan's
legs again and Molly took the arm no one else could restrain while Dr. Arzt
held down the arm he was injecting. "Booooop," the doctor said while he pushed
down the plunger. Ryan was squirming and whimpering, but was too weak to
overcome them again, now that they were more prepared. "Don't let anyone punch
you in the arm," the doctor said while he pushed the next plunger. Ryan renewed
the squirming and the crying with each of the next three shots, but it was over
before long.
Brendon took his arms off of Ryan's head without hurry when the doctor pulled
his sleeve back down. "Good job!" he praised, going along with everyone else.
"You did so good."
Grace took the lollipop on Ryan's behalf when the boy just looked at it and
pulled away like it might be another needle. She thanked the doctors before
taking her boys up to the window to pay.
______________________
Brendon smiled at Ryan exiting the bathroom. He sat on the couch with his
mother, not allowed to help Ryan dress. This was the first outfit, so far.
Ryan made his way over and stopped to stand full height on one foot right in
front of B.
"They're kinda loose," he said, taking the waist band and pulling it around.
"But you do still have a little bit of weight to gain."
"No," Grace joined and leaned over to pinch them on the seam on the side of his
thigh, then behind his knee. "They're not too lose, Brendon, they're just not
skin tight."
"So too lose," he said with finality. "But what did the hospital say? Ten
pounds underweight, still?"
His soft scarf brushed his chin when he nodded. That's what the hospital said,
but he said forty-two pounds overweight.
Brendon turned his attention next to the densely patterned button down and the
brown vest under the thick, grey plaid scarf. "You look very good, Ryan," he
said. "Very, very nice. I think people will be very impressed." He giggled and
slowly pulled Ryan down, who fell to straddle his lap. "I love it, Ryan."
"Brendon," Grace groaned. "I get that you two are going out. You don't need to
remind me every three minutes."
"Sorry," he mumbled. He had forgotten she was there. "Go try on the other
stuff."
Ryan sighed.
"Are you tired? Do you want to go to bed?" Brendon asked, sitting forward to
press his cheek against Ryan's abdomen.
"Mm-hm."
Ryan looked down on a smiling Brendon and smiled back. He didn't like it there.
He wanted his father and he wanted it to be Sunday. He didn't want Brendon to
be pregnant. But he still smiled at his love until his love got a kiss
goodnight from Grace. It was beginning to make his heart ache. He was jealous.
Grace saw his smile instantly fall when she said goodnight to her son. She
stood up and gave him a hug without warning. "Have a good sleep ok,
sweetheart?" The smile returned and even looked more genuine.
Ryan nodded. "Yes. You, too, Grace."
_____________________
_____________________
***** Chapter 9 *****
Chapter Notes
     Is this now three in one day? My god, I didn't work on it that much
     at the shore. But it's summer and I'm in a a funk to edit AND i'm
     still in the part where it's just editing to be done. I feel like
     this chapter might be extra long because my document kept acting all
     slow typing a single character every three seconds, but it tells me
     it's a bit shorter than all the others. Anyway. Oh, and I've got
     things to change because I forgot to take into account that he should
     probably be more depressed than he was originally, so the next part
     won't be up so quickly. Also, this is where I really need to change
     things, we're getting into the part where this stupid version differs
     from the other stupid version to make it less weird so they'll take
     some time to edit for that specific reason.
Brendon brought his shoulders up and smiled at Ryan who sat on his bed in his
first-day-back-to-school outfit. "I'm so excited," he said. "Everybody's gonna
see how cute you are! I mean, they're gonna be able to see now that there isn't
any dirt. And you smell so nice."
Ryan smiled at Brendon's excitement. He wasn't very happy to be returning. He
had never realized it before, but now he knew everyone was a danger. He didn't
want to separate from Brendon after holding, he wouldn't be able to watch and
make sure he stayed ok. Ryan was especially anxious when thinking about
returning to Mrs. Bose and Lustig's classes. The ones he spat on and the ones
he threatened.
"I have to get dressed ok?" Brendon said, leaning down to kiss Ryan's forehead.
"I'll ask my mom if she can make us breakfast again since it's your first day.
She will, ok? She probably already did."
Ryan shook his head. There was no more waiting around; he feared he had less
than ten pounds to gain, by now. "No, babe. I- I don't feel well. I'm just too
anxious."
"You sure? You're gonna be hungry before lunch."
Ryan nodded. He was planning on forgetting his money, since Brendon was already
well aware that him going to the bathroom meant that he was purging. "I'm just
too nervous."
"Alright," Brendon sighed, carding fingers through Ryan's long hair. "I'll put
some of my granola bars in your bag if I remember after I'm dressed. And I have
plenty of food always in my bag anyway, if I forget."
Ryan crossed his legs and nodded. "Ok, baby. Go get dressed."
Brendon nodded and set off for his room.
He was planning on wearing his tightest, blackest pants to look nice for Ryan's
first day back. He already had his favorite band t-shirt on when he was
dragging his jeans up, having the same struggle as always. But, when he went to
button, his hands pressed into his stomach when they never had before. He
looked down and groaned. This was the day the baby decided to appear. "Mom!" He
tried at least getting the sides to meet, but they wouldn't even go that far.
Grace stuck her head through the cracked door. "What, Brendon? Don't yell, we
have neighbors."
Brendon turned and let his arms fall to the side. His fists clenched with her
growing smile. "Baby, you're showing!" she said.
"My pants," he whined.
She entered the room completely and touched the swell. "Yeah, you can't wear
these ones anymore." She scoffed. "Probably ever again."
"What?"
Grace shrugged. "Baby weight is hard to lose. Plus, I'm hoping you grow a
little anyway. Nine months is a long time."
"Seven, now," he grumbled and took her shoulders to walk her back. "Now I have
to wear freaking sweats."
"So?" she asked, now at his door again. "At least you'll be comfy!"
"I wanted to look nice since it's Ryan's first day," he sighed.
_______________
Ryan stood at the door, his sling backpack on his back. He was only waiting for
Brendon to finish getting his bag together after he spent all his time stuffing
Ryan's with snacks, to the point where it got heavy, almost.
Grace hurried up to meet them before they went. She held up her phone and took
Ryan's picture for his first day. She had taken Brendon's, so why not his? She
could tell he seemed a whole lot happier when she did the same for him as she
did for Brendon. Maybe it was that he wasn't used to being treated equally, so
kindly. Maybe it was that she was a parent figure.
Brendon stood up, ready to go. His mom only had to kiss his head, give him a
hug and say, "Bye, baby. I love you. And have a nice day at school, ok?"
Ryan watched and waited quietly, his chest twisting, feeling like it was
snaking around and tying itself in a not while Brendon said farewell. He didn't
get those in the mornings, not anymore. He was ok with that, so long as he
didn't have to watch other kids while he missed out.
Grace smiled up at a pouty looking Ryan. Equals, right? She hugged him and
rocked him the way she did Brendon just enough to not make him fall over. He
was laughing, but not making an effort to return the hug. She let go and stood
up strait to kiss his cheek like she did Brendon's head. Equals? "I love you,
Ryan, ok? Have a good first day back and I'll see you in a bit."
Ryan's eyes went wide for just a moment. He smiled and nodded. At first, he
thought he was in her way, but then she kept hugging him. She did the same to
him as she did for B, her son, her real son.
Grace bit her lip before standing tall again to speak into his ear. "Was the
kiss and love you too much? Too fast?" She already knew it was fine.
Ryan kind of felt like his fucking chest was going to pop. He shook his head
quickly, moving it far so she would be certain and not mistakenly never do it
again. He wanted her to do it again, he wanted it every time B got it. But,
with thought in his head, Grace was in no way replacing Brendon. They were two
totally different things. When Brendon said he loved him, Ryan's heart soared.
He would never get over the rush of a kiss, never get over the feeling in his
stomach when B told him he loved him. But Grace's was new. It was like a
mother's 'love you'. He hadn't had a real parent in six years- and there was no
way he was going to start believing he had just gotten one, only to have his
hopes shattered. He tried not to think about it as if she was only feeling bad
for him, but concentrated on what he had felt while she was doing it. No one
would ever replace his mother. Ever. One woman was his mother. But Grace might
be another parent.
She smiled and inclined her head. "Ok, good. You just tell me if anything ever
is, or if you change your mind. Now, go, before you miss the bus."
Brendon tried to walk at the pace Ryan did but he ended up having to nearly jog
to the bus stop to keep up with the elated one, swinging easily along.
Ryan smiled down at Brendon once they had started going. It was getting chilly,
but he couldn't even feel it. "Did you see that, B?" he asked excitedly. "Did
you hear what your mom said to me? See what she did?"
B rolled his eyes and sped up to keep alongside. "Yeah, don't worry. I'll tell
her to stop."
"No!" Ryan said quickly. "No, Brendon, please. I liked it. Please don't tell
her to stop anything, B."
"Ok," he said, sounding unsure. "I won't."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
Ryan quickly regrew his smile. "Man, B," he started again. "She hugged me. And-
and I thought I was in her way. But I wasn't! It was a /hug/ Brendon. She was /
trying/ to hug me! And she kissed my cheek. Right here, B. She kissed my cheek
and then she said she loved me! Oh, Brendon did you hear it? You heard it,
right? I'm not making that up in my head?"
"I heard it."
"You did? Oh, Brendon! I'm so happy it hurts! She told me she loved me then she
told me to have a nice day and said she would see me in a bit! That's just what
she said, Brendon. I can't believe it! Can you believe it? And guess what? She
did the same to you! Right after you, B. I came right after! You, her real son,
then me. Some kid. You, then me. As if there is no difference. /No difference/.
She did the same thing to both of us, she even twisted me around like she
twisted you around. Can you believe it? I can't believe it!"
Brendon nodded. He was a bit upset. He knew Ryan didn't have some crush on his
mom, but rather was just so excited that, like he said, they were both told
they were loved and hugged and kissed. He had grown used to seeing the abuse
his love had to live through, but he wasn't pleased with how such a simple
little thing like this got Ryan back to being hyper and rambling on.
Ryan stood at the bus stop, still talking with a great big smile on his face
until the next kids showed up. Jon and Spencer. His smile faded
The both of them might as well have just charged him. Ryan was squeezed so
tight he couldn't breath. He was terrified, but held in the screams just like
he was supposed too.
Brendon groaned and pulled them both back. "Stop that."
"Why didn't you tell us he got home?" Spencer shouted, shoving Brendon's
shoulder while Jon was left to tease Ryan for his scarf and pants. "Don't you
think we would want to know?"
Brendon let his eyes squint. He pulled Jon back and pushed him in line with
Spence. "Both of you need to relax around him." He didn't let them get a single
angry word in. "I didn't tell you because I don't want you to stress him out.
It-. Guys, it's changed him, ok? He had PTSD and he-."
"/It's changed him/," Spencer mocked. "It's Ryan! Just because you two are
fucking and dating doesn't mean he isn't our friend anymore."
"Don't make fun of me," Brendon spat. "And I never said you guys aren't
friends. I'm just trying to tell you that you have to warm back up to him
first, ok? He didn't trust me for the first couple of days in the hospital,
either," he added in, just to convince him. He could just tell Ryan was
untrusting now, but there was no one else he knew. He only had his three
friends and only Brendon's mother ever took him to visit.
Their faces softened. Spencer led Jon back to Ryan and slowly wrapped his arms
around Ryan's waist. "You look like a dork," he whispered.
Ryan wasn't sure he wanted them touching him or being near Brendon at all. He
looked to Brendon for help and got them gently guided off of him.
"He's deaf in this ear," Brendon warned. "And don't talk to him about the
thing-."
"Which thing?"
"Both things. But mainly his thing. Don't tap anything to a steady beat or
he'll flip. Don't mention anything."
"Why not?"
"Because," Brendon groaned, not in the mood to explain himself or argue. "I
just said he has PTSD. Don't remind him about it, it makes him very
uncomfortable. And don't do it as a joke either, because it isn't funny. And if
you do it enough he'll scream for, like, ages. Not ages, minutes. He'll-. Just
don't, alright? Don't be jerks."
"I saw on the news the guidance counselor is gonna be fired."
"Mm-hm."
"You don't like her?" Jon asked. He'd never really met her except for two
minutes his freshman year to make sure he liked his schedule, like all the
freshman had to. And he didn't really remember.
Brendon shook his head. "No. She could get jail time for this."
"I know. I heard it was gonna be on t.v. And that one of the nurses has to be a
witness and testify because she heard Ryan screaming at you, and then Mrs.
Schlecht didn't report it or anything."
Brendon nodded. "Yeah. They were gonna have Ryan testify, but they decided he
doesn't know enough about what happened to drag him out there with his PTSD and
paranoia and all. I wrote an affidavit saying that he did yell at me up against
the door and they're gonna use it."
"This could have been avoided then, huh? If only that idiot had done her
fucking job."
________________________
Ryan sat quietly in his seat in health. The close rows of student filled desks
weren't much better than the bus, even when the girl who used to, like
everyone, join in and make fun of him tried to give him a hug and tell him she
was so glad he was ok and back. That had scared him and offended him, and he
had Brendon to protect right behind him. What made this class worse, though,
was that he sat right in front of Ben, the biggest bully of them all. And
nobody would stop glancing at him, some even stared. Maybe It was a shock to
see him so clean and with nice clothes on, and even smelling fresh and with a
pretty drastically different face, now that the hospital had made him fat.
Ryan could just hardly hear Ben's desk clatter when he must've sat up suddenly.
"Is that Ryan Ross?"
He could guess the girl he never stopped talking to before had nodded her head
or said something quietly, because as soon as the teacher turned her back, his
hair was yanked. Hard. He let out a little noise of surprise as he nearly hit
his head with how quickly he dropped to cover it over the desk. "Fucking pussy
hick," he heard Ben mutter. Ryan at least didn't think he remembered sitting
near Ben in Science, which was next.
__________________________
Ryan was allowed to leave early in Health to get to Science, like he would
leave Science early. He still ended up being the last there, but at least
before the bell. His weakness after being laid up with broken bones that had
him surely red faced and getting moist. He blamed it on all the fat, though.
Ryan adjusted his scarf to make sure it covered his neck fully before he
approached the teacher standing by her desk, looking to be counting papers,
ready to hand them out. "Miss?" he started quietly.
Mrs. Bose glanced up, then back to her papers before doing a double take. "Can
I help you?"
Ryan inclined his head. "I- I forget where I sit, miss. Could you...? I'm
sorry, ma'am."
"Are you new? I don't have any new students; I think you have the wrong room."
Ryan shook his head slightly, scared to correct her. "I'm not new, miss."
She'd never seen the kid before in her life, he was clearly mistaken. "This is
A209."
Ryan nodded and flinched, nearly needing to lean up on the wall when someone
loudly called out that, "It's Ryan."
"Ryan?" She looked to her attendance sheet and-. Oh. "George Ryan Ross?"
Ryan nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
"You-. Wow."
His smile was halfhearted and weak on his trying to be hidden face. He was
supposed to have his head hung, but he looked right at her when he did.
"Was your ankle broken?"
"Yes, ma'am," he said clearly.
"Took care of your cough? And your rib?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And there were nice cards, weren't there?"
"No ma'am."
She nodded if a little awkwardly while she looked up at the scrapes on his
face. "Well, first, has Brendon kept you caught up?"
"I, I think so, miss."
"Ok, well we're doing a guided reading right now. Which I don't think you ever
did by the time you... left. Do you have a text book?"
Ryan swore his heart was visibly pumping faster. "I-. I got one, miss. But all
my books are at my home. Rather, my other home-. I-." He hoped that was wasn't
a complaint and he knew he wasn't making much sense and only took comfort in
the fact that the only thing she could hurt were his feet. "It's locked up,
miss. Being investigated. I can't get them back until, until-." Oh shit, he
stuttered. "Until, until, they, someone can-. I need to-. It's locked up,
they're investigating it, it's still crime scene." Had he said that yet? "I
can't get anything of mine back, yet."
She watched his hand shake violently while he held it out. She didn't want to
snap and roll her eyes. Not when he, the worst kid she'd ever had who had
swore, spat, and even pushed her, was acting like this. She waited patiently
and blinked up at him, hoping not to heighten his fear. They were never told of
a special way to act around him now, because he had PTSD and paranoia because
of his accident, his last accident. And if what she heard from reports just
from that last night and saw from pictures just passing by the TV didn't
traumatize him, nothing would. They were never told a day he was coming back,
she wasn't even sure if he actually was ever going to return. Brendon had just
kept asking for extra papers for weeks, but he couldn't give tests. She had
been exempting him from them all, from homework and labs, too.
"Ok," she said when he faded out. "Well just go sit down, over there and I'll
sit with you to make sure you have everything, ok? You can share a textbook
with who sits next to you, for now."
Ryan nodded. He started for his table, and so did she. He locked up when he saw
she was behind him and looked over his shoulder. She stopped walking when he
did.
Ryan had Flowers in his book bag.
The chair screeched on the tile floor when Mrs. Bose drug it behind herself to
Ryan's seat. She sat down and he sat taller, leaning away slightly. "Ok. All a
guided reading is, is a little packet, usually three pages of questions from
the notes we just took. You... You live with Brendon, don't you? You can get
the notes from him?"
Ryan tried to sit as far from her- danger- as possible. He looked to his lap
and waited for her to begin.
"Ryan? Do you have someone you can get the notes from?" He didn't even look at
her. "Ryan?" She was at least hoping the tragic accident had changed him, so he
wouldn't be such an asshole anymore. She had thought he had calmed down by the
way he held himself once he was in the room, stuttering and hunched, no longer
confident and so much so that she didn't recognize him. But now he was ignoring
her again. Plus she was calling him Ryan. "George?"
Ryan wrung his hands together and let his eyes flick to the side. She just sat
there watching him. He quickly returned to watch his lap. His chest was tight,
forcing shallow breaths and making him light headed- not good for when she was
going to begin her attack. He couldn't explain why she was only staring at him.
His father never looked at him before he began. He just dove right in.
"/Ryan/," she hissed, getting the class to look, waiting for the drama to
start, it seemed. "Stop ignoring me." His eyes flicked over again, but he
wouldn't lift his head, not even to acknowledge her. Mrs. Bose sighed and
scrubbed her face. Not again. She groaned and poked him on his arm. His jump
even made her flinch.
So she was starting gently. Ryan only grunted when his head swung down as
quickly as he could get it to, to cover it up. He shivered and hummed with the
effort to keep breathing and keep steady. There wasn't much of an escape, the
tables were crunched together tightly. He couldn't go right or left, unless he
wanted to step over her.
"/Ryan/," she snapped. "What are you doing?" He looked like he was going to
break his neck the way he twisted it, covering his head with arms. "Ryan!"
His chair jerked when he sat up so quickly, trying to obey as well as he could,
to keep her happy.
"What is your problem?"
He lifted his head to look at her. He wanted to be submissive, to watch his lap
and let her hit him, but it was all too much to not be able to see what she was
doing. She stood there glaring at him and in the back of his head, he knew
there was no way he could keep doing this for five days every single week.
Mrs. Bose groaned. She didn't know what was going on, anymore. "What are you
doing?" she asked, looking into his eyes. She'd never seen fear sitting in
someone's eyes, like the way it could be described in a book. She didn't know
it was actually possible.
"Waiting, ma'am," he answered quietly, lowering his eyes then head.
"For what?"
"Whenever you like, miss."
"/For what/?"
"You. To begin, miss."
"Oh my god," she muttered. "To begin what? Come one, George." He flinched when
she got the name out. She was pretty sure his father's name was George, too.
Now she could understand.
Ryan's abdomen clenched, but he resisted the urge to hide when she was already
angry. "Whatever you like, miss."
Now she was just confused and pissed off. "Well I'm trying to explain the
guided reading, but you're ignoring me."
"I-. Yes, miss. I'm sorry, miss."
"Stop ignoring me."
"I've gone deaf on this side, miss," he explained, pointing to his ear and
turning his head so she could see. "He, my father-."
She tipped her head when she saw the slightly more than half circle cutting
through his ear. "Ok, we'll switch your seat. Over here, ok? So you can hear?"
"Yes, ma'am."
She sat down again and heaved a sigh. "This is the guided reading- stop tapping
the pen, please."
Ryan looked the paper up and down. Forest fires and the effect they had on
wildlife. He put an elbow on the table and leaned on his arm, not caring that
it looked very unprofessional. He angled himself to her and looked at the kid
he had just switched seats with. A girl. Tapping her gel pen.
"Ryan, look. I'm trying to explain it now, ok?"
Ryan made eye contact with the girl, who didn't look away at the sight of him,
anymore. They studied each other until the teacher called him back again.
Mrs. Bose waved her hand in front of him when he reached out to move her hand
from blocking the picture. "Look, this is what you have to do."
Ryan let his head tip while he admired the black and white photo printed and
unclear on the paper. "Yeah, just-." Was it a fire? He couldn't tell. But it
didn't matter.
The girl, Allison, looked up slowly when she could see Ryan's head snap to her
out of the corner of her eyes. "Wha-."
"Stop tapping," he spat.
She gave him a weird look and returned to her paper, tapping again once she
did.
Mrs. Bose stood, growing very impatient, and craned her neck to see Ryan's
face. She watched his pupils dilate far past anything normal, concentrated on
the pen. His head started to bob with each time the pen met the desk. "Stop,"
she said, but Allison didn't seem to realize she was being talked to instead of
Ryan.
Allison gasped when the pen was ripped from her hand. "Um, could you-," she
started, but cut herself off when the pen, snapped in half and bleeding, was
thrown into her face. "Oh my god! My clothes!"
Mrs. Bose tapped her on her shoulder, dismissing her wordlessly to the
bathroom. She turned to see Ryan was up and limping to the door, first. "Ryan!
Sit down!"
__
Brendon raised his hand. "Can I use the bathroom?"
"We're in a lockdown."
He needed the bathroom and was supposed to be allowed to go whenever. "Nobody's
in this hall."
"It's a lockdown."
"Please?"
"Hurry," she sighed.
Brendon began to push open the bathroom door, but stopped and froze when he
heard shrieking from far off. He could tell it was Ryan and bent around to make
sure nobody was watching from his classroom before he sped through the halls.
He slipped around corners and rushed up the stairs, two at a time before
getting out of the stair well, almost sliding and completely out of breath to
see Ryan screaming, pleading up to Mrs. Bose who had the phone to her ear, from
the ground. He ran to be at Ryan's side and ignored her snapping for him to get
back.
Brendon tucked Ryan's head to his shoulder, for him to scream there and be
muffled. "Is his bag in there?"
"I'm having his mother called in, you need to get back to your class. I don't
know what he'll do, Brendon."
"Can you get his book bag?"
Colorful, brand new notebooks shifted, making the bag tip away from Brendon's
one hand. He pulled it back and found the bear in the back. "Ah, I knew it you
giant baby," he laughed while he stuck Flowers in Ryan's face. "Look!"
____
Brendon smiled down the hall to his mother hurrying towards them. She was being
escorted by one of the police officers stationed in the school, but B believed
that she still remembered her way around perfectly. Grace was ahead of the man
and only flashed her son a brief, nervous smile. "Did he bring that bear?"
Brendon nodded and ruffled Ryan's hair. "Yeah, of course he did. He loves it."
"Oh," she sighed, squatting by the pair. Ryan sat quietly, looking ashamed of
himself like a dog who was sitting in the trash he'd torn up or the mess he'd
left on the carpet. "Ryan?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am."
She tipped his head up, but he only let her see his face for a brief moment
before he hung his head again. "Grace, ok?"
"I'm sorry, Grace."
She made him flinch when she found his head to scratch, then his face to cup
his jaw. "What happened? Do you want to tell me?"
"I don't remember, Grace. I think I blacked out again, but I was told I spilled
her pen over her face and her shirt, Grace. I screamed. Then I only blinked and
I was here, waiting for you, Grace. I think I screamed, Grace," he trailed off.
She looked around and saw the tiny teacher standing there, waiting, Grace
guessed, for her student to either leave or go back to the classroom. "I think
I'm going to take you home, now, ok?"
"Yes, Grace."
She rubbed his shoulders, making him flinch dramatically again, at first. "Do
you want to go home?"
"I-." He wasn't really sure what to do. His mouth gaped. "I-. Yes, if, I-." He
wanted to leave school? He could ask for that or he could tell her no. Neither
was any good, at all. "I, no. Yeah, I mean. I-."
Brendon rubbed Ryan's thigh and leaned down to kiss his brown hair and press a
cheek to his head. "You do, baby. She's gonna take you home and you can take a
nap or get something to eat. Both. Ok?"
Ryan bowed his head.
She reached out to scratch his head again and leaned forward to kiss it. "I
love you, ok? Don't look so ashamed, Ryan. Mistakes happen, this will happen.
Just try and not break the pen next time, ok?" she said, adding a hint of a
laugh to try and get him to lighten up, but only made him incline his head and
sink lower. "It's alright. Something bad happened to you and you were reminded
of it. That's all. Now you get to go home and you'll try again tomorrow. Sound
good?"
"Yes, ma'am." She was scolding him, he didn't want to use Grace- a friendly
name. He did wrong, he didn't /get/ to use Grace.
She even pet his bear with the flowery ribbon and it's pretend hospital
bracelet that now sat with his real one on its arm. She got up and took
Brendon's place of helping the still-weak-from-emaciation-and-lying-down-for-
six-weeks-with-a-slew-of-broken-bones boy to his crutches. "It's ok, Ryan. Do
you want to apologize to the girl?"
He nodded his head still hung. "Yes, miss. Yes, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry. I
won't do it again. I- I'm sorry."
She rubbed his back while he said sorry to his shoes. A nod to the teacher said
she would let the girl know. "Ok, come on."
Brendon smiled awkwardly at the teacher he knew probably hated him. "Wanna give
me a pass?"
__________________
Brendon almost was glaring at his paper with concentration. He had just showed
Ryan, lying on his stomach along the couch while B sat up crossed legged, the
notes from German. He was having trouble completing the homework and Ryan
already knew how to do it.
Ryan went over it again, being gentle. He knew Brendon was sensitive,
especially about his schooling, and was beginning to get frustrated. "This goes
over here and this means tourists."
Brendon held his forehead, easily distracted by the opening door. His looking
got Ryan's attention since Ryan couldn't hear it.
Ryan shot up and sat properly. On the edge of the couch with his head hung and
hands folded in his lap. He couldn't believe he would even think to lounge like
that when he was just very bad that day and had to come home early. He
shouldn't even be doing that when he thought she would be gone, it was just
plain disrespectful.
Grace smiled at them on the way to set her bag down at her desk. She got back
and kissed Brendon's head, then Ryan's before she took his shoulders and gently
guided him back to lay how he was before. She laughed a little and he did, too,
by the time she ruffled his head after he was laying down again. "Get comfy,"
she said. "I think you'll be here a while."
"Um, I'm sorry, Grace," he mumbled.
"Don't be."
"I embarrassed us," he said. "I'm so sorry."
"Ryan, I'm not like your father, ok?" He flinched away at the words alone and
nodded. "You didn't embarrass us, hon. You have a disorder now and it came out
in class. It's the dumb bitch's fault for not stopping when you asked."
Brendon laughed at Ryan's obvious confusion. "Mom, he isn't used to us like
that yet."
"Oh, I'm only kidding," she sighed. He pulled away and pushed into the couch;
she guessed it sounded now like she was angry. "Ryan, just relax, ok, bud? I'm
not angry and I never will be for something pertaining to the disorder you now
have from nearly being /killed/. I won't be angry with you unless you... I
don't even know, ok? You didn't embarrass us."
Ryan nodded. He wasn't sure how to feel. He wasn't sure she was being honest
with him, but she had just given him a kiss when she gave B his, so how angry
could she be? She rubbed his back for a moment before getting up again and
walking away.
_____________
Ryan wasn't sure that day was the best day to be asking for things, but Grace
had given him a kiss when she got home and told him she loved him a couple of
times and hugged him, too. He poked at the food on his plate. "Um, um, can I-
can I-. May I take, take a bath after, after dinner?"
"Yeah, of course you may. Whenever you like you can take one, I don't really
care."
Brendon smiled and pulled Ryan's head over to kiss, making the other smile a
little and his mom give him a look. "Can I help him?"
"No."
_______________
Ryan set the water up, still cold, of course, he didn't want to waste energy
using heated water and raise her bill. He lifted the toilet lid and smiled at
probably his best friend before vomiting all in it. He tried to do it as
quietly as possible, but was more concerned with getting the calories out than
not getting caught, at the moment.
Ryan was actually in the bath and enjoying the water scolding his skin by the
time the door was pushed open. The soapy water sloshed when he began to sit,
then relaxed again seeing it was B. He watched curiously.
Brendon set down the new pajamas on the toilet seat. "We forgot your jammies
yesterday, babe," he explained. "So my mom got some on her break or something.
They're really soft, ok?"
Ryan nodded and sunk lower, feeling vulnerable with the open door.
"And she got soft pants and a long sleeve shirt and a t shirt. I brought you
the long sleeve one because it's kind of chilly, tonight."
"Thank you." He wished Brendon would hurry and go, he knew his mother wouldn't
like them together, one naked.
Brendon smiled and leaned down to give Ryan a kiss. "Love you."
Ryan kissed Brendon on his lips and inclined his head. "Love you, too."
________________
Brendon was putting Ryan to bed, tucking him in in the still unfamiliar room.
"I love you, too," he said while he leaned over him to get the bear from off
the edge of the bed. "Are you going to be ok?"
Ryan shrugged while he brought Flowers under the sheets.
"You're scared? You don't like sleeping anymore?"
The little twin bed rocked with how quickly he shook his head. "No, not
anymore." Brendon let him hold his hand.
"You'll be ok- I promise. You have your night lights on, both of them. You have
Flowers with you and soon my mom will relax a bit so you can have me, too."
Ryan kept shaking his head. He was growing more and more anxious like he did
every night, able to tell Brendon was almost ready to go. "No. I scream in the
morning. She'll get angry with me and she'll never let you sleep with me."
"She isn't like that and you know it. She will never be angry with you because
you're scared. Relax, alright? Just get some sleep so you can try and have a
good day at school, tomorrow."
Ryan pouted. "Don't go, Brendon," he whined, refusing to let go, even when B
started trying to peel his fingers off. "Please? I can't do it again, B."
Brendon sighed. He crawled up to sit gently on Ryan's stomach. "Do you want to
see?" he asked and lifted his shirt. "I don't think I ever showed you."
Ryan smiled when B settled on top of him. He pulled the other up closer and
looked at his stomach he was rubbing. "Oh, love. I can see it."
"Boys," Grace called. "You can't do that."
Brendon teetered when Ryan tried to turn over quickly. "We're not doing
anything, mom," he promised.
"I don't care. It's time for bed."
He never had a bed time before Ryan got home. "I was showing him my tummy. You
can see it even better, now."
"Go to bed."
Ryan rolled over on top of Flowers and hid his face in the cushion. So maybe
Grace wouldn't hit him, maybe. But she would definitely be angry and stop
loving him. He didn't blame her, he had just done something bad. The third bad
thing that day, there was no way he would get anymore chances. This had nothing
to do with his PTSD. He was just getting greedy and all too comfortable.
Brendon looked to Ryan when he heard gentle crying and turned to glare at his
mother, still watching and waiting from the door. "What?" she asked. Brendon
ignored her and leaned over Ryan to kiss his cheek. "Don't cry, baby. It's ok."
Ryan waved him away violently and ripped the sheets up over his head. He didn't
have to make it worse. "Go away!" he hissed. He was embarrassed, now. Grace had
scolded him for doing something bad, it was embarrassing. And it didn't help
that he was being way oversensitive after the extra extended length of his
almost routine depression. This time it was much worse.
"Why are you upset?" Was it that he had to go to bed alone, now? Or that he had
just gotten in trouble. "What's the matter, baby?"
"/Go/." He didn't want Grace to stop saying she loved him. To stop kissing him
and hugging him when she did Brendon. Getting hugs and kisses from her as if
she were his parent made him happy. Really happy. He didn't want her to stop
loving him. Ryan's chest twisted and ached, almost making him moan in pain.
"Go, Brendon."
"You have to talk to me first, Ry. Why are you so upset?" Maybe he felt
betrayed and alone because Brendon had to leave him now. "Do you want my
favorite stuffed animal? She'll make you feel better. You and Flowers can have
a sleep over with my bunny."
"Go, B."
"You have to tell me why you're crying," he said. He had had enough of talking
Ryan off the edge, getting him to take the gun off his head and go put it back
in the drawer before it was missed. Begging him to make himself vomit to get
the pills out of his stomach. Pleading for him to at least sleep outside if he
wouldn't come over to get away from the man he had enraged. He wasn't going to
let Ryan go silently in the night because he wouldn't say why he was upset.
"Ryan," he snapped. "What's the matter with you? Talk to me!"
Ryan's breathing had hitched and he was having difficulty setting it back. "I
don't want your mom to hate me," he whimpered, knowing talking would be the
only way to get B to go. The longer he stayed, the worse it would be. "She's
not gonna love me anymore."
"What? That's ridiculous! Yes she is!"
"Nuh-uh. I did so many bad things, today. She's not gonna say it anymore and
she's not gonna kiss me anymore and she's not gonna hug me anymore. I like it
when she does that."
"Babe, she's still gonna."
"No, B. Go, now."
"You'll see tomorrow," Brendon promised. He left after that, not wanting to
upset Ryan so much he got angry and threatened something that way.
"What was the matter?" Grace asked, leading Brendon back to the couch. She
could hear an occasional whimper and sob, but for the most part, Ryan was
silent. "Why's he crying?"
Brendon followed and leaned against her. He was exhausted. "He doesn't think
you're gonna tell him you love him anymore or give him kisses or hug him
because he 'did so many bad things, today.' He really likes it, you know."
"Does he? He doesn't think it's creepy?"
Brendon sent her wide eyes. "No. No he does not. Oh my god, you should have
seen him this morning. As soon as the door closed he was 'Oh my god, Brendon!
Did you see that, Brendon! Did you hear that, Brendon? Am I imagining it,
Brendon?!'"
"Don't make fun of him."
"I don't."
"Oh," she sighed. "I did it because he was so happy when- what did I do? I gave
him a hug or a kiss goodnight? He looked so happy. Then he looked pouty this
morning when I was saying bye to you."
"Well don't stop."
"I won't," she promised. "I guess I do love him. He's a really nice boy, very
sweet. I just wanted him to feel good, too, on his first day back."
B nodded. "I don't know why he doesn't flip out like that when I say it," he
muttered.
"Do you ever see his face when he looks at you? He was doing something and
getting really frustrated on Sunday I think. Then I swear, he only looked at
you and he relaxed and you said you loved him and he lit up."
"But he doesn't ramble about how great it is."
Grace rolled her eyes and tightened her arm around him. "He would if he had
someone to talk to. And it's different coming from a parent figure. Especially
wen his only one beat him up for years before trying to kill him. He just got
excited."
Brendon hummed. "You tell him as soon as you see him in the morning," he
mumbled, eyes closing. "He thinks you won't like him anymore."
***** Chapter 10 *****
Chapter Notes
     OK!!!!
Ryan woke up, screaming again. When he finally calmed himself down, he sat up.
His pillow was still wet from where his fat face didn't allow the tears to dry,
he only noticed when the bed rocked from him sitting himself up. He must be too
heavy for it.
His room was the size of Brendon's, maybe a little smaller. It had the twin
bed, a dresser that was recently emptied of Boyd's clothes and replaced with
his, and a small desk. He wasn't usually one to be nosey, but he was looking to
find something specific and he had not investigated it yet, so he decided it
would be a good time as it was still too early to be ready.
Ryan found an old, cracked pocket watch, lots of papers, they looked like
certificates from when Brendon was in elementary school. There was a leaky pen
and some stray, blurry photos of no one he could recognize. One had a baby
wrapped in blue, he assumed Brendon. One picture was clear and was of a big
baby in pink, probably Brendon's half sister. In the back were two prescription
pill bottles- exactly what Ryan had wanted, in the back of his mind. He
couldn't read what they were, not for any old label, but because it didn't look
like a real word. Which was probably best, probably more toxic than something
he might be able to pronounce. All he had to do now was work up the nerve. Or
rather, wait for it to come along, like it always did.
"Ryan?" Grace called through the door. "Are you up yet?" She knew he was. She
doubted it was easy to fall right back asleep after a nightmare so terrible he
woke up screaming every morning.
"Yes," he called, not sure weather to use miss or Grace.
"Ok, just making sure. I love you, bud!" She waited, but he didn't answer.
Grace never expected him to, not when he had never said it back before.
Ryan shoved one of the matching bottles in his school bag. He didn't want to
get himself ready and then fall back down because he didn't have what he
needed. He didn't care if he dropped dead in a school desk, he just wanted to
be gone.
___________________
Ryan sighed at Jon. They were the first two at lunch, he assumed was like
always, but it was his first day back for lunch. He had forgotten his money and
only sat.
"What's up?"
Ryan shrugged and sighed at his lap. It was even getting hard to trust Jon and
Spencer, but he had been acting normal for the most part. "I'm killing myself
tonight," he said. He used to always tell Brendon and occasionally the other
two if he had no one. That was more when he was scared and not sure he really
wanted it, but had a gun to get it done too quickly. Why not let someone know?
What difference would it make? He was going.
"No," Jon said, shaking his head. He knew Ryan wasn't joking. "No, you're not."
"Yeah I am," Ryan spat, knowing he was far out of line. He didn't care if Jon
tried to hit him, it would all be over pretty soon anyway. Ryan knew he was
going to ingest one entire bottle when he got home, and if that didn't work, it
didn't work. But that would be up to his body and the pills. "I've got
Brendon's dad's pills and I'm taking them all as soon as I get inside."
____________________
"No visitors, just sit down," Mr. Gefallig called to Brendon while he wrote the
Do Now on the board. Brendon had walked in holding the wrist of a very nicely
dressed boy he assumed was his boyfriend, but the other didn't look very
interested and even tried to tug his hand back.
"It's Ryan," Brendon said, nose wrinkled on its own. He didn't feel well.
"I don't care what his name is, he needs to get to class."
"George Ryan Ross," Brendon tried.
Mr. Gefallig spun slowly on his heels. "No."
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, you're white."
Brendon huffed a small laugh. "And clean." Ryan hung his head lower. "Where
does he sit, again?"
Mr. Gefallig looked around, not sure himself. "Um, back over there," he said,
pointing. "Behind Jason."
Ryan tried to pull away, but Brendon wouldn't let him.
"He can't," B said. "He's deaf in that ear, now, and he can't hear that well
with the other one."
Mr. Gefallig sighed and dropped his shoulders. "Ok, um. Vicky, switch with
Ryan."
B smiled up at Ryan, still looking scared. "You're next to me now, isn't that
cool?"
"No talking or you get sent back there, too."
Brendon ignored him and helped Ryan sit down, who clearly did not want the
help. Then he crawled into Ryan's lap and curled up while the teacher finished
putting the problem on the board.
The pills rattled quietly while Ryan rubbed his shin against Flowers, a lump
through his bag. He wanted Flowers to be cremated, too. And something of
Brendon's, if there was anything to give up. He wanted to be kept in an urn
with those things and be kept with Brendon. He didn't want his ashes spread, he
wanted to be kept in the urn on a shelf, so he wouldn't get lost. And never be
buried, or he would rot away before Brendon might move and not be with him any
longer. Ryan would have to make sure he got those things down before he was
gone. He was ready, other than that.
"Get up," the teacher barked.
Brendon wrinkled his nose even more and buried his face into Ryan's chest, who,
surprisingly, caressed him lovingly. "No, I don't feel well."
"Do you want to go to the nurse?"
Brendon only pulled his face further away, twisting his neck uncomfortably, but
getting away from the teacher with only a sigh in return.
"...If you don't finish it's for homework. Sound good? Ok, go. Only groups of
two! Ryan, come up to the bored so I can teach you," he said and pulled the
office chair out from the teacher's desk so Ryan could sit.
Brendon rubbed his head along Ryan's jaw before he moved to let Ryan up. He
followed Ryan to the chair and leaned only a knee in the seat, next to Ryan's
thigh. "I still don't get it," he admitted when the teacher tried to get him to
go back. "I don't know what to do after you simplify."
Ryan pulled Brendon into his lap for possibly the last time. He gave a kiss to
B's black, baby soft hair when the teacher wasn't looking. He knew it was
dangerous, that being homosexual was bad on it's own, then to display gay
affection publicly? He was asking for them both to be hit, but he didn't care
at this point. He wanted all the time with Brendon he could get before he had
to go. So long as Ryan was obviously initiating everything, it would be him to
receive at least the first blow, giving B time to run. And it didn't matter if
he was hit one more time against everything that has already been done to him.
Brendon tried to curl in on himself while Ryan held him close and kissed his
head. He hummed.
"I'll be right back," the teacher excused himself. It was almost time to go,
kids were packing up, but he was still explaining to Ryan and Brendon how the
formula worked. He was pretty sure Ryan understood already, after many times
repeating himself in the noisy room, but Brendon had a lot of questions and
didn't seem to be able to get it.
"But there are literally only.... three minutes left in the period," he said.
It was the last period of the day, too. "Ok, I'll send him down."
Ryan let Brendon tip his head up by the chin and looked when he pointed to the
teacher though the noisy room. "To guidance," he said.
Brendon looked to the clock and furrowed his eyebrows. He shook his head,
partly out of annoyance before leaning in and leaving a long and tender kiss to
Ryan's lips returning it. "I'll see you at home, I guess."
Ryan nodded. He could only figure it was for switching his home contacts, like
it was first period, the day before. He helped Brendon climb off slowly before
he found his bag.
Ryan's hair fell into his face when he ducked into a crevice in the hall. He
still wasn't used to it. His hands shook, rattling the bottle when he pulled it
out from next to Flowers. He dumped as many pills as he could take at one time
into his hand to dry swallow them. He took the other half and hauled himself
up, hoping these contacts wouldn't take too long so he could write down his
final wishes. But then again, did it really matter? He'd be dead, anyway.
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows at Grace sitting tear stained and tall in a chair
next to the man who had helped him the day before, Mr. Besser.
"Ryan," he greeted. "Take a seat, ok, bud?"
Ryan sat down carefully, really hoping those pills would take affect soon. He
started to feel a bit clammy, but was pretty sure it was only the anxiety from
the situation. "Yes, sir."
Grace pulled her chair closer and then took Ryan's head to kiss a few times. "I
love you."
Maybe she was giving him up. If she really did love him and didn't just say it
to make him feel better, it would explain the crying. But maybe she only felt
bad for her son who was going to be separated from the father of his unborn
child. He was too expensive. Ryan knew it. Now he would have to do what he had
always feared, go to live in some dumb foster home without his father or
Brendon. He could plot as many deaths as he wanted, but he would have no one to
blame it on this time. No one but himself, for getting B pregnant. But then
again, those pills were already sitting heavy in his stomach.
"We'll get right into it," the new guidance counselor said. "I doubt you want
to be here much longer." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Um, somebody, who we
won't name, came to us today. This child told us that you told him you had
gotten your hands on somebody's prescription pills and that you're planning on
overdosing 'as soon as you get inside.'"
Ryan sighed and slouched. It had come early, they were too late.
"So you were planning on doing that?"
Ryan nodded. He didn't care that he was slouching. "Yeah." He didn't care that
he had answered in the most disrespectful way imaginable.
Grace broke down again. She found Ryan's hand and squeezed it.
"Now. This is what we're gonna do. Grace here is going to take you home. She
has the phone number for the mobile crisis unit to call if she needs it. She
doesn't have to use it. We have been speaking for a little while and I respect
her decision and trust that she, as your guardian, will be able to handle this
at home. She says there's no point in keeping you here to chat with me, only to
upset you more. She knows you better than I do. You are going to give her the
pills that you found or she'll call the mobile crisis unit. Ok? I am going to
set up an appointment with a therapist that can hopefully help you, as soon as
you guys go. You're gonna go to the therapist and the therapist is gonna asses
the situation. She will be more qualified to determine weather or not outside
help is needed once she talks to you two a bit, than I am. Sound good?"
Ryan nodded.
"You think you can give her the pills when you get home?"
He nodded again, feeling glum. He would give her the other bottle, but she
didn't need to know about the pills already in his belly.
"Ok, Ryan. I'm gonna let you two go now. And I'm also going to give you this,"
he said, handing the boy a laminated pass with his name already on it. "That
means you get leave any class to come here and talk, alright? You can even use
it if you just feel like getting out of class to come sit in some comfy chairs
in the quiet, ok? Just don't tell anyone."
Ryan smiled and nodded, slipping it into his pocket. "Thank you."
Grace gathered her bag and smiled sadly at Ryan for just the split second she
could hold. She didn't think she was trying to make him feel equal anymore.
Ryan was very good to her son. He was considerate and sweet and responsible.
She liked to talk to him and wasn't thinking living with him and his son would
be so bad anymore, setting aside the fact she was still disappointed that her
son was only a sophomore, just 16. It didn't take long, not long at all, but
she wasn't trying to make him feel equal anymore.
Grace pulled his head over once they were in the car and kissed his temple
again. "You just relax, ok? We're gonna make it home before B and we can just
sit together and watch some TV and I'll make you something to eat, ok?" Maybe
eating would make him feel better the way it sometimes did for Brendon. He
nodded, but he wouldn't do anything else. He wasn't saying, "Yes, ma'am" or
Yes, Grace" or anything. "You're gonna give me those bad, nasty pills and then
we can relax. Ok, honey?"
Ryan nodded again. "Mm-hm."
______________________
"Where's the other one?" she asked, turning over one, small orange bottle with
her slender fingers. "There should be two bottles, the same thing."
Ryan shook his head. "There was only one in the drawer, miss."
She looked into his eyes, they were looking a bit cloudy. She groaned, only
getting anxious, and stomped past him to riffle through the drawer. It
clattered with its contents while she looked for the one thing missing. "There
were two bottles, Ryan! Where's the other bottle?"
Ryan shook his head. He was getting hot and knew the pills were starting to
take affect. He could feel hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks and he
might have even been a bit dizzy. "No."
"Give it to me."
"No. Boyd isn't here," he said, justifying his thievery. "He's been gone so
long, he obviously doesn't need them."
"But I need them, Ry," she said. "You need to give them to me, honey.
Sweetheart?" He shook his head, making his way slowly over to his bed. "Ryan,
where are they? I can make it better, ok? I can give you hugs and kisses and
Brendon can give you hugs and kisses and more, if you want. I don't care, not
if you give me those pills. Ryan, you two can sleep in the same bed, just give
me the damn pills. I can be out of the house whenever you like, just let me
know if you two need to have alone time. Just give me the pills. Ryan! Give
them to me, Ryan!"
Ryan shook his slightly tipped head.
"I'll call the mobile crisis unit! I'll call the police!"
He shrugged.
"Ryan, give them to me! Where are they? Just give them to me, sweetheart. Ok?"
"I can't."
"Why not."
"I can't."
She joined him on the bed. Maybe she could coax them out of him. He moved back,
making room for her. "Why do you want to do this? Do you miss your dad? I can
take you to visit him! Are you sad? Why are you sad? Do you-." She lowered her
voice and leaned in. "Honey, do you think you need to lose some weight? You
know you don't, Ryan. You're very thin. But... If you give me those pills and
promise you won't do anything else, I won't try and make you gain anymore
weight. I-. Ryan, you can lose weight, if you want. Do you hear me? I'm going
to get you a good therapist, a program, something to help you with this
anorexia, but if you promise not to kill yourself, and give me that other
bottle, you can do what you want to lose whatever amount of weight you want
until you feel better- until you don't think like that anymore. Does that sound
good?"
He started to nod. He wanted to see his dad. He wanted to sleep in Brendon's
bed. He wanted to lose weight. But he also wanted to die, and was well on his
way. He cut to shaking his head.
"What else, honey? What else do you want?"
"I can't give them to you."
"Why not? Ryan, please. Where are they? In your pocket? In your school bag?
Honey, what about Flowers? Doesn't Flowers make you happy? And baths? You can
take a bath after you give them to me. You can take a bath with Brendon. Hell,
bring Flowers. I don't care. Do what you want. Just give them to me, ok? Ryan,
I love you. Won't you please?"
He shook his head.
Grace grew impatient and crawled up closer to give him a hug. He was sweating
and his clothes were even sticking to him, but she squeezed him as tight as she
could and rest her head on his warm shoulder. "You can come sit with me. On the
couch? Until Brendon gets home? You can give the pills to him when he gets
here? Would you prefer that?"
Ryan hugged her back for the first time, resting his cheek against her head.
"No," he croaked.
"Ryan. Why not? Don't you love him? Your baby? Don't you want to be here for
them both?"
He sighed. He did, he really did. But the benefits of dying outweighed the
benefits of sticking around. Rather, there was no point anymore. He couldn't
find one. Not even to be there for the baby and help Brendon in raising it when
he had to be miserable all the time. When he told Brendon about the weeks he
was sad, those weeks he tried to kill himself because he thought they would
never end. This time was different. It had been almost two months, now. There
was no other escape, he was sure of it. He used to try and look forward for the
happier times, knowing they would come soon. Or at least the times where he
felt neutral. But this was all there was anymore. He was even surprised he'd
made it this long.
"Is this because I yelled at you last night?" she asked his scarf. "Brendon
said that it made you upset, that you thought I wouldn't hug you and kiss you
and tell you I love you anymore. But that isn't true, ok? No matter what you
do, I will always keep loving you, ok? You and Brendon. No matter what. Won't
you stick around for that? For Brendon, for the baby? Do you think you'll still
name it George? Or you could name it Ryan, just Ryan? Hm?"
Ryan shrugged. "I dunno," he mumbled. His stomach was churning, he could feel
it and hear it make a noise every few minutes. Grace even sat back and took his
arms to hold.
"Are you hungry?" she asked looking him up and down with a smile. "I can make
you something. Would you like that? Anything you want. I can order a pizza for
you." He shook his head, looking lethargic. "You're hot, Ry. Do you want me to
pull out the fan and set it up in here? Open a window? Turn on the air
conditioning?" He shook his head to everything and heaved a sigh. "Do you want
to tell me where that bottle is, yet?"
Brendon saw his mother's car in the driveway as he made his way to the door. So
it was something quick that sent him home? Maybe he had been caught cutting
again and this counselor had the sense to know the guardian needed to be
contacted. "Mom?" he called. He heard some gentle crying from Ryan's room and
made his way over with circumspective steps. "Guys?" he said, announcing his
presence with his head poked in the room. "What's going on?"
"I have to tell him," she said and got a slight, tired nod from him sitting
there slumped before turning to Brendon. She didn't want to tell B anything
Ryan didn't want him to know, but, in this case, she needed him to know
everything. Maybe he could help, for she knew her son knew Ryan a whole lot
better than she did. "Somebody, thank god, came in and told them Ryan was going
to kill himself when he got home, with your father's pills. There are two
bottles, but he only gave me one. I keep asking for the other, but he just
keeps telling me he can't."
Brendon looked Ryan up and down, shaking his head, giving his mother time to
finish. He'd been this far gone, before, but never farther. Brendon marched
forward and ripped Ryan off the bed by his scarf and shirt collar. "Get up," he
snapped when Ryan fell to his trembling hands and knees. He hated being so
rough when Ryan was like this, but if he wasn't, Ryan would be gone. "Get up!
Now!"
"B, don't hurt him!" Grace scolded. "Be gentle!"
"Help me!" he barked at her when Ryan was having too much trouble getting up
with Brendon only able to tug. If she didn't get up in the next two seconds, he
would make Ryan vomit all over the carpet. "Get up and help me, goddammit!"
Grace scowled, but was too frightened by his urgency to put him in trouble just
then. She helped Ryan to his feet, he was teetering, he must have stayed up
late crying. Or maybe this was to do with his PTSD. She turned to get his bear,
but Brendon was already leading him away.
She followed quickly, forgetting the toy, and found them again in the bathroom,
Brendon shoving Ryan to his knees in front of the toilet. "Brendon!" she gasped
when her son took Ryan's already slack jaw and pulled it down, opening his
mouth to shove a finger inside.
Ryan moaned when his numb knees crashed to the tile floor. Brendon stuck a
finger far down his throat, pulling it out wet and smelly from something that
was already making it's way up his throat, along with the lumpy pills. They
splashed once they hit the water and Brendon pulled him back to make him gag
again, using his hair to move him and dangle his head above the toilet. More
pills clattered along the walls of the bowl and floated in the now foggy water.
Grace wanted to pass out. When could he have taken them? While she was
searching for the first bottle? Maybe he brought them to school and took them
in the car? She whimpered and sat on the bathtub wall, next the toilet, to hide
her face in her hands before she could let one find Ryan's still shuddering
back to rub. "Why?" she asked her one hand in an ugly sob. "Why?"
Brendon kept sticking his finger down Ryan's throat until Ryan was only left
belching into the bowl. He let Ryan go, leaving him to fall on the floor while
he washed his hands. Ryan was still lethargic, and, from his past experience, B
knew he would be until he woke up from a long nap. But the danger was gone, he
was in the clear with his empty stomach. Brendon flushed the toilet and kneeled
back down by Ryan to rub his chest and gently stroke over his gurgling stomach.
"You're ok now, baby."
Ryan looked up at B past fluttering eyelids. "Yeah."
"We're gonna get you on the couch ok? You'll take your nap and I'll watch you
to make sure you're ok."
"Ok."
"I want to take him to the hospital," Grace said.
Brendon shook his head, slipping a few fingers between two buttons on Ryan's
shirt to massage the cold, wet skin underneath. "No," he said, pulling her
phone from her, knowing she was ready to call an ambulance. "There's no point.
They'll pump his stomach, but it's empty. They'll bill you and they'll
investigate and probably take him away, seeing as he nearly killed himself
under your watch. He's done this before. This isn't the first time, trust me,"
he said. "I make him vomit and then he sleeps for a while, but he wakes up ok."
"But what if he's still dying?"
"He's not, Mom," Brendon snapped. "He's fine. He just needs to sleep it off.
Help me get him to the couch so I can watch him."
Grace finally lifted him up bridle style when he only said "Yeah," to Brendon
asking if he could help get himself there and made no attempt at moving. He
wasn't too heavy, but she did hurry him to the couch before she could drop him.
His head lolled around while she was unable to keep it steady. She tried to not
jostle his neck too much.
___________________
Ryan moaned. His head ached and someone was stroking back his hair while breath
was blown gently into his face. He guessed it was Flowers in his arms.
Brendon had been trying to coax Ryan gently out of his long, five hour comatose
slumber that he spent the whole time trying to convince his mom that Ryan was
ok and didn't need anything else. It was 15 minutes since he noticed him twitch
his nose and recoil before Ryan blinked open one eye and moaned. "Hi, baby."
Ryan blinked, almost too exhausted to do just that while he heaved a heavy
sigh.
Brendon kissed Ryan's nose before going to the corner of his jaw, then his
neck. "Are you alright?"
Ryan wasn't even sure Brendon was speaking English. He sat still and let
Brendon, he was pretty sure it was Brendon, sniff him or lick him or examine
him or do whatever he wanted. He lifted his head from his prone position and
bent his aching neck just a little to see a set of shoulders.
Grace shook her head from her spot standing behind Brendon, from where she
waited anxiously for him to move again. "Ryan?"
Ryan cocked an eyebrow. He guessed it was his name called.
B massaged Ryan's lower back and left more gentle kisses along his neck. "Wake
up, ok?"
"Mm."
Grace sat holding Ryan tightly just ten minutes after he first regained his
consciousness. He was still pretty out of it, but was able to sit up and hug
her back around her waist, his head on his her shoulder. His nose occasionally
twitched while Brendon left more kisses, now watery from tears. He sat curled
against her side, fitting together with her almost as perfectly as Brendon did.
"When did you take the pills, honey?"
Ryan nuzzled his head closer. "I dunno."
"Tell me when you took the pills. Not in the room with the guidance counselor.
Not in the car. When?"
"Before the room," he mumbled. He felt like he could sleep for days.
She unfolded her hands from behind his back so she could stroke his face with
shaking fingers. "In the classroom you came from?"
"Shh," he hushed. "I tell you later."
It was eight o'clock. He would have to go to school the next the day if he
didn't want to come with her to her office, that she left early to get to,
anyway. And he needed his rest, to let his body recover. "You're gonna sleep in
Brendon's bed for tonight, ok?"
He didn't even bother to answer. His mouth twitched, though, and his breathing
got thicker.
She wasn't quite ready to let go, yet, so turned to Brendon while she folded
her hands again. "You said he's done this before."
Brendon nodded. He was pretty sure they didn't want her to know that.
"When? How many times?"
Maybe it was good that she did know. She clearly wanted him alive, too, and so
might be able to help. He shrugged. "I haven't kept track."
"All with pills?"
He shook his head. "A few times with pills, but always to try and kill himself.
Never to get high or whatever you do with those things. A few times with the
gun that he started shouting at me he was gonna do it so I could be there to
talk him down. Um. You know. He's never had a ceiling fan, so. Sometimes he
would try and make his dad angry and just see how that played out."
Her make up smeared a little more when she gently dried the under of her eyes
with her fingers. "I'm going to find him a therapist," she decided. "And take
him to the doctor. He needs something, he needs medicine. He's sick."
"I know." Maybe the doctors could confirm that he did indeed have a bipolar
disorder, because Brendon already knew he did, and prescribe what he needed to
deal with it.
"Depression is real," she said, shifting Ryan closer, who was snoring gently.
"He needs help, he clearly can't just deal with this on his own. Maybe I can
get some help from someone, you know? Money help."
Brendon nodded and set his head down on her collar, to press his nose to
Ryan's. "You should get him tested for bipolar disorder, Mom."
"Really?"
She shook when he nodded, still on her shoulder, and got Ryan to try and lift
an eyelid. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure he has it. He just needs help."
She pulled him over a bit, jostling him to try and wake him up again when his
snoring quieted down. "Ryan? It's gonna be all better tomorrow, ok?" He hummed
and tried to sit closer. "I want you to tell me when you took the pills," she
tried again. "When did you swallow them?" She didn't want him returning the
next day if there was a teacher negligent enough to not notice a boy swallow an
entire bottle of pills, she wasn't going to send her suicidal son back there
again. But then, there was a chance he could've slipped something with her.
"In the hall," he mumbled to her neck. "On the way to the guidance."
"Why?"
He shrugged.
"What made you want to die? Was it because I yelled at you?"
"Shh," he hushed. "Stop talking."
"Oh, ok," she said, smiling a little, seeing that Ryan was alright. "You're
gonna to go sleep with Brendon, now."
"I'm not allowed."
________________________
_____________________
"You can't kill yourself," B whined. He sat straddling Ryan's lap, hands on the
other's chest. It was just the day after, Ryan wasn't going to school, so
neither was he. Ryan had woken up far too late, anyway. It was a few hours
after his alarm clock that Brendon finally got him to open his eyes.
"I can and I will," he snapped. "You don't get it Brendon, ok? It's been more
than a week. So just fuck off."
Brendon dropped his head to Ryan's shoulder. "You're gonna get better," he
promised. "My mom's gonna take you to get some medicine and a therapist. You're
gonna be happy all the time again. Like when you were younger. It's gonna get
better."
"It's been nearly two months," he snapped. "I'm not gonna get out of it, this
time. It's been since my accident. I can't do this everyday, Brendon. I'm not
happy and I'm never gonna be happy again. Just get off of me."
The door creaked open while Brendon sat up. He took Ryan's hand and pressed it
to the small swell of his belly. "It's the baby," he promised, hardly able to
breath. His chest and his throat were tight. "You can't feel him," he said,
shaking his head. "Not yet, but you will. I promise. I can feel him, Ryan. He
tumbles around in there and it makes me feel kinda queasy, but all happy.
Because that's you're baby, Ryan. In my belly! Please."
Grace returned with two glasses of water, having left Ryan complaining of a
migraine. "We need to talk now, Ryan," she said, giving the boys their own
glasses.
Grace shook her head. There was something wrong with him, there had to be.
Maybe he had just been depressed for far too long. Maybe he really was bipolar.
"Ryan, I love you. I do, really! Do you see Brendon? What about him?"
Ryan looked to Brendon's watering eyes, the other's lip was stuck out on its
own. He gave his head the tiniest of shakes.
"We'll all just relax today, alright?" she said. "I took off and I need you to
take you to the therapist before you can go back to school. I think the
appointment's at five." He nodded glumly. "I'm going to get you some cereal.
It'll be dry so it doesn't upset your tummy anymore."
"Remember, yesterday, when you said I could do what I wanted to try and lose
weight?" he asked, bowing his head.
"No," she said. "No, Ryan. I said that so you would give me the pills. I didn't
mean to get your hopes up and whatnot, honey. Ryan, you don't need to lose
weight."
"But I want do."
"You still need to gain more," she said, rubbing his arm to console him. "Just
a little bit, ok?"
___________________
Flowers' ribbon bent with Ryan's finger and stayed with the wire along it's
edges. He touched his nose to hers, comforted with the intimate contact between
him and his teddy bear, so much that he did it again. He was feeling extremely
lonely, more so after the therapist he had to see. It was his first ever visit
to one and he didn't ever want to go back. But Grace said he had to. She said
she was going to find somebody to help him with his depression, someone for the
PTSD, and someone to try and "rehabilitate" him. He was even referred to
someone who would diagnose his bipolar disorder for him, which he didn't have.
She said there was no way he wouldn't need help with what he had after six
years of living what he did. He wouldn't let the woman get near him, not even
to hand him a form on paper he needed to fill out. He also wouldn't let Grace
leave the room, or let Brendon stay in the waiting room. He guessed that was
what made her think living like that had affected him, because he wouldn't let
the people working or waiting there look or get near his family. But that was
normal, he knew it was. Just because he could see, now, that some people, most
likely all, were abusive, now, and they couldn't, didn't mean he needed
rehabilitation. It meant they needed to open their eyes for when he wouldn't be
with them.
He sighed. The door was wide open and suddenly both Grace and Brendon needed to
cross the room every two minutes, glancing in every time they passed. Ryan
really just wanted a hug, but only had his bear to squeeze to his chest. Grace
and Brendon hugged him everyday, giving him much more contact than he ever had,
before. But it wasn't enough. As soon as they pulled away, he needed more.
Brendon knocked on the door frame, stepping in slowly. He got a sigh.
The little bed rocked while Brendon climbed on to press his front to Ryan's
back. This sigh was content as he wriggled back to be closer.
Ryan only woke when the bed shook again. "Where are you going?"
"To get something to eat."
"You've been eating all day."
Grace got up to look for Ryan, again. "Ry, why don't you come lay on the couch?
Where we can see you until it's bedtime?"
Ryan ripped the pillow up that was sitting next to him and could only wish it
was made of rocks when he brought it down over his head. She got closer and
tried to lift him, but he twisted. "Leave me alone," he said. "I swear to god,
if you don't leave me the fuck alone."
_______________________
_______________________
***** Brandy *****
Chapter Notes
     I wish everybody just liked the same thing!!! I'm doing my best,
     though. But I figured at first I wouldn't put the other one up at
     all, and I wanted to put this up so I could see if anybody actually
     liked it or not. I just won't do this again, I think.
__________
__________
"Come on, baby," Brendon called. He was shaking Ryan gently, but Ryan wouldn't
move. He wasn't scared he could be dead, because Brendon could see him
breathing, he was just annoyed he was being ignored. "Ry, you have to go to
school."
"Get off me," he groaned and tried to turn away again. "Brendon, leave me
alone." They were so hyper over watching him to make sure he didn't kill
himself, he knew there was no way he could. And he had given up. On everything,
not just trying to get the pills back. He wasn't going to look for a job and he
wasn't going to go back to school and he wasn't going to go to court for
anything or eat or drink or bathe or try to lose weight. He was done. And
humiliated, too. When he refused to sleep with Brendon that night, Brendon
camped out on his floor when there was no more room in his teeny bed.
Ryan had been awake for hours, but his screaming was no alarm for Brendon. He
had even had another episode when he couldn't fall back asleep, but he had to
fight through it by himself. "Brendon, get off me," he said.
"You have to go," Brendon whined, leaning back at an angle while he hung onto
Ryan. "You can't stay here by yourself."
"I'm not gonna do anything, now fuck off. I don't feel well."
"Fine, I'm getting my mom."
"Go ahead."
Grace sighed at his bedside. "Come on, dear. You just have to go to school.
Then you can come home and relax with B. And I won't be home for a few more
hours after that. Come home and watch t.v. or eat or do homework or play. And
school will distract you. Then you can come home and do whatever to relax."
"I'm not getting up," he said. Brendon had already left and she was trying to
convince him to let her drive him. "I'm not going to school and I'm not looking
for a job. Fucking kill me or let me kill myself if that's so much of a burden,
to you."
"You're not a burden."
"Yes I am."
"No, you're not. Come on, Ryan. Get up and get dressed an I'll take you. You
won't be late. I know Brendon doesn't like coming in late."
Ryan ignored her and turned his head away. He almost wanted her to stay there
and nag at him because it gave him something to listen to and something to do.
When he was left alone in the quiet, his thoughts always returned to what was
bothering him and what sent him to hell and back with a flashback. But school
was not tempting enough. Maybe he'd suffocate or have a heart attack in the
middle of one if he stayed home. But if he went to school he had to be on watch
every second to make sure no one got near him or tried talking to him. In
school people bullied him, and by then a flashback didn't seem so bad.
"Ryan, get up and get dressed right now or I will call that mobile crisis unit
for school refusal. I will do it, Ryan! Get up!"
He drug his blanket a little higher over his back and moved his head to push
under the pillow. "I'm not fucking going," he grumbled to himself.
She used to have problems getting Brendon to go to school, just his freshman
year. She knew he hated it and was way over stressed and anxious because the
school system was such shit it could actually do that to a kid, but she knew he
had to go. And like Brendon, Ryan couldn't just stay home for the rest of his
life. She feared Brendon could become a recluse like his dad was, she could
tell he had the anxieties of his father. And George was always even worse than
Boyd, she knew. But she could not rip Ryan out of his bed by yanking his sheets
away and pulling on his arm like Brendon, because Ryan was not Brendon. If she
did that, she would lose what trust and bond they had formed between each other
and it would make him worse and sadder and things harder. "C'mon. You'll have
fun at school. Ryan, I'm begging you."
"I can't do it," he said, finally. "I can't go to school again. What if I have
a flashback in front of everyone? I'll get made fun because I scream and look
like a freak. And I'd much rather have those here, anyway. In bed. I like bed.
I can't go to school because I'm too scared of everyone there. I can't do
anything about it. I just stumble around looking at my feet praying in my head
all day that I don't get in trouble, and all day I think I will. I just can't
do it anymore. I'm older than sixteen, I can dropout and you can get rid of me,
ok? Give me up or just close the door and take me out when my body starts to
smell."
She had her arms wrapped around his chest as he was perched on his elbows to
list things on his fingers. "Don't you talk like that, Ryan."
"Get off," he said and groaned when he tried to pull away. "Just let me stay
home. Tell them I'm sick."
"You have to go."
"I'm even scared of Jon and Spencer. And I still have class with Mrs. Lustig
and Bose, so what do I do there? I'm so scared, half the time I can hardly even
move. I'm not going."
She had sat back up and was wiping her eyes as gently as she could. "How about
I leave you with you boys' laptop while I go pick Brendon up from school. You
can play on it until he gets back here."
"No. Don't pull him out just because I won't go."
"Well, I can't leave you here by yourself when you're feeling like this!"
"Oh, stop. I'm not gonna do anything, Grace."
"You almost died not two days ago. I'll bring him home and we can talk about
it, tonight. We'll figure something out, ok? I'm gonna make you an appointment
to get you prescribed whatever meds you need and we'll get through this."
"Just go," he said to his pillow. And she did, after bringing him Brendon's
computer they now shared.
_________________
Brendon got in and walked back into Ryan's room with his mother, who said she
needed to see he was ok with his new babysitter before she really left for
work. Brendon would have been scared, to see Ryan on his back and curled up to
look dead, but this was a position he was often found in when going through a
hard time.
Brendon stood up next him and frowned down on eyes flicking back and forth.
Ryan hadn't been breathing, and it was a long enough while before his back
arched and he made a horrible sucking noise for air. "Ryan, I'm right here,
babe. It's not real, ok? It won't be much longer, just hang in there."
_________________
_________________
_________________
"No, Mom, you can't meet him yet. I know you wanna meet your new grandbaby, but
he's seventeen so don't call him that. Because I want to wait until you can see
who he really his. Yeah, we're on five days now and he hasn't gotten up once.
My poor baby, Brendon's with him now but whenever we try to help and we try to
talk to him, he just gets worse."
"Do you hear that?" Brendon asked. He had been sitting with Ryan for the past
couple hours, and had been staying home with him for all the days they had
school and Ryan refused to go. He could tell Ryan was annoyed by his presence,
even though he hadn't been sat on like he was then, all day. Brendon trusted
him enough to go eat at the table or watch a show with Ryan's door open, so he
could see in from the couch.
"Get out," Ryan said. It had taken all day, but he was crying again. He hadn't
lasted as long as he had previously. "You're upsetting me and I want to be left
alone. Why can't you just leave me alone?"
Brendon let out a sigh before he could lay precariously on his side next to
Ryan. "My Oma's really excited to meet you. But my mom won't let her until
she'll be able to see how great you are. Because you don't look so great when
you lay in a bed depressed for five days strait."
"I don't care."
"I don't know, Mom," Grace said. "I think meds will do it. Yeah, that's the
only thing. Ok, ok, I'll look into it. Yes, I said I'm going to look into it.
Let me go and I'll do it right now so hopefully this kid doesn't need to suffer
any longer."
______
Grace caught Brendon in Ryan's door just as he was leaving. "Come here, we need
to talk. All three of us."
What could possibly call for a family meeting, Brendon had no idea. The last
family meeting they had was when his father still lived with them and told him
he had a three year old sister. Something told him it couldn't be that big, but
it had to be something.
"Ryan, wake up, bud. I have to talk to you boys."
Ryan pulled away and turned a glare out, catching Brendon with it.
Brendon was just getting more and more confused with every passing minute.
"Ryan, will you at least sit up?" Grace asked when they had finally gotten him
onto his back, waiting awake for whatever was coming.
"No. Just get out and leave me alone. I don't want to talk about whatever you
want to talk about, ok?"
"Its a happy thing."
"I swear to god, if this doesn't take two seconds I'm fucking leaving and
you'll never see me again."
Grace bent down and held his shoulders, just leaning against the very bottom of
the headboard, to kiss his eye. "Ryan, I love you very much and I don't like to
hear those things from you."
He scrubbed it off with one hand while he pushed her back with another. He was
starting to have doubts of her integrity, but he wasn't gong to say anything
and make a foofaraw of it, only to be put off from sleep for even longer.
"Ok, Brendon, you know Uncle Brian?"
"Sort of." He hadn't seen his Uncle Brian since he was younger, but the things
he could always remember about him was that he was a vet, his head was always
shaved, and he had a lab always on his side.
"Well, Ryan, Brendon has an Uncle Brian who's a war vet and all. He's got PTSD
like you do. So, I was talking to my mother about how your flashbacks are so
bad and how you're too depressed and anxious and paranoid to do anything, and
she was telling me about Brian, her brother. And Uncle Brian went through and
is going through everything you have. Just listen, ok? He was very depressed at
one point and he couldn't even leave his house to go out with his family. And
she told me I should try and get you a service dog. Wouldn't that be nice? His
dogs have helped him so much. He can go out and do whatever he wants to do and
his dogs get to go with him because they're service dogs. And she said they
wake him up when he's getting nightmares and he has so few flashbacks, it's
like he doesn't even have PTSD looking in from the outside, of course."
"I don't have PTSD."
"Ok, so I was on this website, the one where Uncle Brian got his first dog
from, and I've been watching some videos and I really think it would help you a
lot. You might be able to go back to school. And it would come with you so we
could finally get you to a psych appointment to help you deal with everything
else, further."
Ryan blinked at her, not going to say anything, at first. "No. No because you
already to paid money to adopt me, you paid money to clothe me, to fix my hair,
to feed me, probably for my hospital bills, for new school supplies. You're not
getting me a dog."
"But you can't even get out of bed."
"If you get me a dog, all it will do is lie with me."
"That's not true. I've looked up this company, they're so attentive it's crazy.
My mother said they're great. It says on their website that for people like
you, you know, who can't go out because this isn't unusual at all, they'll send
out people to bring the dog to your house and see if the receiver and the dog
make a good match. And they'll come back again if it's no good."
"No," he whined, kicking his legs like a brat. He rolled over and hid his face
away. "I don't like dogs."
"Is that why you don't want one? Are you scared?"
"I don't like them."
"They're gonna make sure you like it, bud. Here, I'll call right now."
Brendon tipped his head. "But we can't have dogs in this neighborhood."
"Yeah."
She shook her head at him. "If it's a service dog, they have to accept it." She
returned a smile to her son. "Isn't that cool? It'll help Ryan get better, and
we'll finally have a dog. It'll just have to go to school with him."
"Ooh, yay," Brendon said, bouncing on his folded legs since he had managed to
squeeze in on the bed. He had been trying to get a dog for years, before he
understood the rules. "Call now. I want Ryan to have a little puppy that makes
him feel better."
Ryan had fallen back asleep, to the light lulling in their happily lilting
voiced from his bed. Grace was rubbing his back, he knew, until he was out.
"...No, he's not a vet. He's seventeen and I recently adopted him. His father
was abusive and he had his last, um, worst incident about two months ago. After
years and years of it," she said quietly. She knew Ryan was asleep and didn't
want to wake him up, but she wanted to stay there with him, petting him, until
she could wake him up and tell him when they would come.
_____
"Really? That's, yeah, that's awesome. Great. Thank you."
"What?"
She clicked off her phone. "Cloy, Brendon. Almost cloy. Which is great because
nobody hardly even gives a shit, these days. It's so nice to see people really
care. I mean, it's mostly for vets, which is very important, that's-."
"Oh my god, Mom. What's going on?"
"Oh. They're gonna come tomorrow afternoon at three, so I'll have to tell
Michael I need to go home early. He won't care, he knows about Ryan and-"
"What the actual fuck," Brendon groaned into his hands low enough for her not
to hear. "Why are you so-?"
"-we're good friends, he'll let me do it. He's a great boss, I'm lucky. He's
was asking about you boys, too. I'll have to bring you guys to house sometime
soon, you know? Remember, he has a really nice pool and he loves it when people
use it, he never does. It makes him happy. But what was I talking about? Oh,
yeah. They're gonna bring over a pit named Charlie tomorrow at around three and
we're just poor enough to get help for paying for whatever dog we get. If
Charlie's the one, they'll take him back to their shelter for a day to do
whatever that bitch said, and they'll bring him back after that with a crate."
Brendon shook his head, looking very disappointed with her. "I can't even take
you. You just ramble, Mom."
"Hey, at least be proud of me for calling so quickly. I usually would'a waited
forever."
"Yeah, I guess. But-. I mean, it sounds kind of impossible that they could come
so quickly."
"I know, right? And the lady was apologizing for not being able to send
somebody out, today. But she was saying how the company takes disorders very
seriously and that-."
"Oh my god, what the fuck, I'm trying to sleep," Ryan spat. "What are you even
talking about? Go somewhere, Jesus fuck."
Brendon looked down at Ryan and lifted an eyebrow to him until he was invited
in, under the blanket. Ryan was clearly making some progress there. But maybe
he was just softening in his depressed state.
Grace leaned over and kissed both of their heads.
_______________
_______________
"I swear to god, bring a dog in this room and I will fuck you up," Ryan spat.
He was hardly sitting, just pushed all the way up on his arms. It was two
forty-five and Brendon was trying to get him out of pajamas and into real
clothes. Which, as the stupid dog he didn't even know yet was supposed to be
helping him with, he felt like he had to just to keep his family safe. "No,
Brendon, I'm scared," he said, forcing words up through a tightening throat.
Tears were rushing down his face and he even twisted to sit and watch Brendon
leisurely toss clothes on the floor, trying to pick 'the cutest ones'. "Please,
don't let them in. "M-. Grace! Grace!"
She stopped her scrubbing of the kitchen table to hurry over to her son, going
faster when she saw how hard he was crying, and that he was doing it in an
upright position. She pulled him to her and squeezed him too tightly. "What's
the matter?"
"I'm scared," he said, leaving a big stain of tears on her chest. "I'm sorry I
was so mean to you," he tried. "I'm so sorry. I know how mean I was and I'm not
gonna be so mean ever again, I promise." The door bell rang, making him more
frantic. "I promise, Grace I promise," he said, wanting to call her Mommy and
nearly slipping. "I promise. I'll stop swearing. No! No, please. Brendon, don't
answer it, Brendon! Please I'm sorry! I'll go, I can go."
Ryan kept begging and squeezing Grace so tightly she fought to get him off so
she could resume breathing, but he just couldn't let go. Not even if he tried,
he was so scared. The bed shook suddenly and something wet was pushing at his
arm while Grace tried to get him to turn and look. When he did, he didn't see
Charlie, he saw Gizmo. Gizmo was attacking him. He screamed and screamed,
jumping back and falling onto the floor where he lost control of his body.
The trainer met Brendon's eyes and tried out a smile.
"This is a pit bull?" Brendon asked. "It is, isn't it?"
"Well, yes, but the stigma tells nothing truthful about the breed. It's how you
raise the individual dog, it's not the breed. They're like any other."
His head was shaking before the man could even finish. "No, it's not that. Is-.
This is a brindle coat, isn't it?"
"Sure is. He's beautiful, isn't he?"
Brendon nodded before a quick glance over his shoulder to show him his mother
holding Ryan tightly on the ground, on the other side of the bed. "Yeah, he is.
But, the only thing is, is that his family, who helped give him the PTSD, had a
brindle pit named Gizmo they used to make attack him. They, um, they didn't
raise theirs right."
"Oh, oh, oh," he said and shortened the leash. "I'll go put him back in the car
and I'll be right back to talk to your mother, ok?"
Brendon nodded.
Grace smiled up at the dog-less trainer, still from her seat on the floor as
Ryan continued to force the both of them to rock, and while the boy continued
to drench her shirt. "Yeah, I had no idea. The only thing I knew about his
situation was that his father abused him and tried to kill him. I didn't even
know it went further than that. But at least we got him out of bed," she
offered. Ryan was playing with her necklace, his good ear pressed to her
shoulder so he couldn't hear.
"I can come back tomorrow with a St. Bernard called Brandy."
Grace looked to Brendon, who was nodding his head.
"Thanks so much," she said and reached up to shake his hand. She didn't think
Ryan knew what was going on, because he was still not being scared of the man,
or even moving to shift when she shook his hand.
Brendon returned and ducked down to see Ryan's face after he saw the man out.
"His eyes are all big, again."
Ryan pulled his shoulder in when Grace tried to push him up, off of her. He
hugged her closer, then pouted at her when she craned her neck to see his face.
"So, he's not gonna remember this? Like last time?"
"I guess," she said. It was the second time she knew of that Ryan's pupils had
dilated so far, to the point of taking away his iris. The last time he had done
it, he sat on the couch and stared at her and Brendon until he fell over.
"Ryan?" she called, but just before he could fall.
Ryan sat and spun, looking for the dog until he was fully assured it had left.
His head ached and he didn't know where he was at first, or when he was. "What
day is it? What time is it?" he asked on his way to get back under the sheets.
______________
______________
Ryan was backed into Brendon, this time, not Grace. "I swear to god, I'll stop
being so nasty if you stop with this dog stuff. Please."
"It's gonna help you. And this one isn't a pit bull. She's a St. Bernard named
Brandy."
"I don't like dogs," Ryan said. "I don't like them. I'm scared. I want-. Just,
please, Brendon. Brendon, Brendon," Ryan started. He watched the massive thing
walk through the door, in front of Grace, with it's teeth bared. "Brendon,
please, babe," he said. He was crying and shoving Brendon back with all his
strength, but Brendon was stronger and kept him blocked in the corner of the
bed.
"Just go for it," Grace said. "He'll never calm down."
"Ok, yeah. Brandy, get up here, girl. See Ryan? See him? Sit down."
Ryan couldn't even breath. He was on a tiny bed with a giant dog who probably
hated him and wanted to hurt him just like every person did. "Pet her," Brendon
told him, but his hands were busy covering eyes, and his nose and mouth.
Brendon took Ryan's hand covering the lower half of his face and held it out
for the dog. She smelled both their hands and then sat back, not interested
under her command to sit and stay. He moved Ryan's hand to pet the top of her
head. His fingers curled in, but Brendon kept Ryan stroking the fur.
Ryan opened one eye and saw its tongue hanging out of its mouth. It pushed his
head to his chest and rubbed its stupid face on his neck.
"Go ahead and pet her," the trainer said. "She loves to be pet, to be cuddled,
anything. She's very calm when we have her vest on, she knows she's working.
Her name is Brandy. And when she isn't working, she loves to play fetch and
tug'o'war. She can shake hands and she knows how to beg, roll over, sit, speak.
Very well behaved."
Ryan let her rest against him while he continued stroking the long, soft hair
on her shoulder. He was still a little nervous, but he liked her.
"How about you get out of bed and come lead her to your living room."
"Yes, sir," Ryan said quickly. He stood up, getting dizzy, and took the leash
when it was handed to him. But he did it wrong, because the handler put the
sash around him. He kept her lead short in shaking hands and stumbled to the
couch. The man had him tell her to sit, to speak, to retrieve things he
dropped, they walked more together. But mostly, he sat and pet her.
Ryan was a little sad to see her leave, but he let her go with a kiss to the
top of her head and a promise from the trainer she would be back the next day
with all her papers and her toys and bed. Grace still had to call the school to
tell them he needed a dog to attend, but he told her he would try to go to
school the next day, even before Brandy would arrive.
Brendon hugged Ryan, arms and torso. "I'm so happy you're happy," he said.
"You're gonna try school tomorrow, and then you'll have Brandy after that and
you'll do so well, you're gonna be fine and you can find a job and then I'll
find a job, but I don't want to until after the baby, and then we'll have the
baby and then we'll be such a cute, happy family with your puppy."
Ryan shoved him off when he mentioned the baby, but it didn't get him to stop.
"Leave me alone, B. I don't feel well."
__________
__________
Ryan's head was hung low on his way into his science classroom. It seemed so
far that that was where all his problems were. Though, he had had a loud,
dramatic flashback in health, just the period, before. Ben made sure he knew
all about it.
"What happened?" Mrs. Bose asked, squaring up in front of him. "Why were you
and Brendon gone for a week? Did you go an a vacation, because you're supposed
to let me know when you'll be gone for a whole week, especially after a month
and a half of being gone."
He wished he could lower his head even more while he backed up to stand leaning
on the doorway. His lungs refused to fill and his mouth wouldn't answer her.
"Ryan," she snapped. "Answer me. Why were you gone?"
His legs shook and his hands twisted together in front of his chest. So now he
was in trouble, just as he knew he would be, and he was regretting agreeing to
come in at all. Tears stung his eyes while he tried to think of how to explain
his week long bout of laziness.
"Maybe this is why he didn't come in," Gary said from his seat next to Ryan's
empty one. Nobody like Mrs. Bose, but he wouldn't hesitate to say he hated her.
"Excuse me?"
He shrugged at her. "Look at him. I mean, really? He almost gets killed by his
dad after, what? The news said six years of child abuse and he's got PTSD and
you're gonna corner him? Maybe he was too scared to come in since all you do
all day is yell at people. Do you think it's easy for him to do that?"
"This is getting you two detentions, Gary."
"Ok, punish me for trying to stick up for another kid after you're yelling at
him for something that isn't his fault. Look at him, he can't even pick up his
head. He's shaking."
"Three."
"Alright, then give them to me, already."
"Sit down, Ryan," she said. She stood back to watch him stumbled over to his
seat while the class encouraged Gary.
Ryan sat and tried to stay as far away from Gary as he could. He could hear
everyone praising Gary, and then they turned on him and were agreeing with
Gary, saying he was brave for even coming in that day. They told him he was
brave then, but before they wouldn't even look at him unless to make fun of
him. At least Gary had never been mean, and Ben and his little posse were
staying true to themselves.
Ryan pulled his bag onto his tightly crossed legs to look for his binder to
take notes, but he still had the problem of looking up and over to the board.
Brendon would give him the notes at home, it would be much easier than trying
to take them in class. So now he had the time to stare down at blank paper in
the silent room.
When Mrs. Bose looked over to make sure Gary wasn't doing his math homework
again, she saw he was taking notes, but Ryan was just sitting. She stood up,
pushing her chair on the floor and alerting the entire class to look up, and
then to Ryan when they saw where she was heading. Ryan was the only one who
wouldn't move.
"Why is your paper blank?" she asked. He wouldn't move and she could see Gary
look at her out of the corner of her eyes. "Ryan."
Ryan grunted.
Ben shot up to stand at his seat. "He's gonna sc-."
"I'm not talking to you, Ben. Sit down," she said before looking back to Ryan.
"Fine, whatever," he mumbled as he sat back down, red faced, with his group of
snickering friends. "I know what he's gonna-."
Ryan screamed and dropped his shoulders to the desk. He almost couldn't get in
enough air to keep the screaming up, but he managed.
She stepped back when he fell on the floor in front of her. "Everybody sit back
down," she shouted. Other than that, she didn't know what to do. The whole
class was trying to get a look at him while he writhed on the floor, screaming
"Amber, amber, Dad. Sue. Gizmo. Please." All between plain shrieking. "Thing,"
he said and she could hardly hear the phone ringing under him. "Gary, make sure
nobody touches him," she said while she turned away. Even his fit on the first
day back wasn't quite as bad.
"Well, don't touch him!"
Ryan, or more like Ryan's body, relaxed and trembled in a slacked ball on the
floor. His breathing was audibly shaking and raspy. He was sweating and crying,
but he still wasn't completely present.
Mrs. Bose walked back in and hung up the phone. He wasn't screaming anymore, so
she figured he was done and had Gary and Alex lift him up and put him in his
seat. His eyes were blank and looked unseeing as he stared down, his arms still
at his chest. "Do you have a dog, Ryan? The office just called me and said you
were gonna bring in your service dog, tomorrow or Monday, or something."
Ryan couldn't quite hear her, but he heard something droning. He sat back and
shook his head to clear it, suddenly before he could look over and see her
standing there. He jumped.
"Ryan."
"I'm sorry, miss. I'm so sorry, ma'am. I, my PTSD, I just, I didn't mean it."
"I asked if you had a dog."
"No, yes. I think so."
She tried not to be so obviously angry with him, but it was hard. "The office
just called for me to approve you bringing in a service dog by the earliest of
tomorrow."
He nodded quickly. "Yes, ma'am. I, I get her, today."
"So I'm gonna call back and approve it. Is the dog supposed to help with his?"
"Well, yes, ma'am."
"Ok, does it?"
"I don't have her yet, miss," he said quietly. "I get her today, but I met her
yesterday and I think she'll help," he said and trailed off toward the end, not
thinking she'd want to hear about that.
"Ok, well bring it in as soon as you can, then. I'm-. Does anybody here have a
severe allergy to dogs?" she asked. "Ok, I'm gonna call them back, now. Ok?"
"Yes, ma'am." He hadn't looked at her the whole time they spoke, but dared to
watch her walk away. Too bad for him, she flipped the notes to the next page
and took the phone outside. He tried to take the notes, but it just wasn't
distracting enough, especially with words that triggered him laced through the
page. He dug one into the paper with his pencil and froze up.
_______
"How about I send you to the nurse?" she suggested. He sat in front of her,
second episode down, shaking and sweating while he sent skinny fingers to wipe
his face. "I can ask them to call your mother and see if she thinks it's better
to send you home. But I don't want you in here if this is now the second time,
it probably won't be the last."
He could hardly nod. "Yes, miss."
______
Brendon smiled at the nurse as he passed her to find Ryan sitting on a bed as
far into the corner as he could. He wasn't down there enough to know their
names like Ryan did, but he was only coming down to wait for his mother to pick
them both up. They couldn't trust Ryan by himself again, and finishing the day
wouldn't work, either.
"Hi," Brendon said while he put his arm around Ryan. "Are you ok? I heard you
had two in Science. That's kind of a lot, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I just had another, too." He spoke as quietly as he possibly could. "I
can't do this."
"Well, you get Brandy, today. And remember how happy she made you, yesterday?"
"Yeah."
_____________
Ryan stood in the corner while he watched the handler and Grace walking and
talking together as they brought in Brandy's leash, toys, and bed. Brandy had
jumped up to try and, almost, see eye to eye with him. He decided to sit down
and play with her, forgetting to watch them and miss them carry in the dog food
bag sitting in her crate.
"That-. Don't let him see that." Brendon took to stand in front of Ryan, should
he look up. "Put it in your closet, Mom."
"Well, then how does she use it?" she asked on her way to her room, instead of
Ryan's where everything else already was.
"I don't know. Maybe she can't. And I'll just have to feed her because I don't
know if that will set him off, or not. But I don't really wanna find out. And
he can definitely never, ever see the crate."
Ryan could only hear them mumbling from far away. He was too busy rubbing the
dog's belly to care what they were talking about when they were only speaking
to each other, anyway.
***** Chapter 12 *****
Chapter Notes
     I know it's short but this chapter was mainly for the other guys with
     something important in the beginning. And it's even short over there,
     but with two important things for them. And I had to get something
     up. I'm a little stuck in where to go and I have like zero motivation
     right now so we'll have to where this goes.
The service dog plan had backfired on them when Ryan thought it would come off
as him complaining that he had PTSD by requiring he bring a dog with him to get
him through school. Not only that, he was sure the other kids would make fun of
him, Ben especially. School had been stressing him out so much, he was happy to
have his second biggest stressor busying him. He was bringing Brandy to the
grocery store for an interview. Grace had gotten him a suit he would wear to
any interviews he had, and to the ever closer court date. Brendon's suit
couldn't be bought at the same time because not only was it not urgent for an
interview, not only were they still expecting him to grow taller, but no doctor
could predict when he would start his weight gain that went along with his
already complicated pregnancy.
____
"Come on, dear," he grumbled while he tugged on her leash. Grace had agreed to
walk him in, at least. Then he would be on his own.
He inclined his head to a flashed smile coming from a middle aged man behind a
large desk. He didn't wear khakis and a yellow t-shirt with the store's logo,
but something more professional. "Have a seat. George?"
"Yes, sir," he answered, lowering his head, again. He tried to be as quiet and
respectful as possible. He made Brandy sit, not lie, but he wouldn't let her
lean on him, even when he was sure she was trying to do her job.
"What's its name?"
"Brandy, sir."
"Oh, you don't have to-. I'm Mr. Verkaufer, that's fine. But what a pretty dog
she is, huh? How long have you had her?"
"About a year," he said. Grace told him to say that, so it would seem to the
interviewer that he knew the dog better than he did. If he said a few days,
Grace said, they may not like that he had her.
"For-" he leaned forward. "-PTSD."
Ryan nodded. "I can't. I mean, I need her. To function, sir- Mr. Verkaufer. I
wouldn't be able to do this, without her."
"Of course, of course. You wouldn't have her if you didn't need her. And she'll
be able to work with you when you-. Well, I have to say 'if', but I don't see
why I wouldn't hire you. You're the only answerer to our hiring ad. But anyway.
Are you, like. Are you strong? There's some lifting that can go with this.
Stocking and such."
"Oh. No, not exactly, sir."
He shrugged while he looked down at the best scrap of a resume a seventeen year
old high school student could put together. "It's not gonna be that bad. And
you'll have to work on the cash register, too. Probably primarily with your
dog, actually. We'll just have to see how it all works out. Now, why do you
need this job?"
He looked down at his lap and finally gave in to scratching Brandy's head. He
had gone online when Brendon made him look up how to answer questions in an
interview, but he forgot everything. He had apparently taken too long, though.
"Like, are you trying to pay for books? A car? You'll-. I'm not very uptight,
to be honest with you. This is a grocery store, not some huge, professional
business. I'm just here to manage high school kids, really. I'm just trying to
give you a proper interview, but I already know we need you."
Ryan nodded quickly, still looking down at his lap.
"And you'll be a really nice addition because of your dog, here. It might be
hard working with her in the back, so you'll probably be mainly stocking
shelves or working the register. And anything to draw anybody in is good for
business. Now, is there anything she does that, like, everybody here needs to
be aware of?"
Ryan started to shake his head, but he stopped. "No, just that I have this
thing and the doctors don't really know what it is but it's sort of like that
dissociative identity disorder where they have alters. We call them black outs
because I don't remember anything from them, but they're not like regular PTSD
blackouts. I, um, I've been told I act immature sometimes. Like a kid. And one
time my boyfriend, or, um, he, he said I thought I was a kid. I thought I was
still young," he said. He hadn't meant to reveal that he was gay. His petting
of the dog became rough. "But sometimes I try to hurt myself or others and I
really don't, don't mean to do any of it. She barks when I'm going to do it."
Mr. Verkaufer nodded while he distracted himself with a stress toy from his
desk. "Often?"
"When, when. Shh," he said. He took her muzzle and closed it with his hand to
get her to quiet. "When I'm stressed. Now."
"Well, I'm sure it would be ok if when this happens you just come in here and
wait it out away from everybody."
Ryan giggled and pulled Brandy all the way into his lap. "Ok."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine. My dog loves to sit in my lap. I got her Thursday and she likes her
ball. It's yellow and spikey and squishy."
"Ok. How about I call your mom? She can pick you up, right?"
"My mom's dead."
"Oh. Sorry. You're dad?"
"He's in jail for trying to kill me," he said while he stroked Brandy's hair
slowly down the length of her body.
He looked down at the resume for an answer. If he tried to hurt people, he
couldn't drive himself home, even if that's how he got there. "Your boyfriend?"
"You can call him because he's nice to talk to, but he can't drive. His mom can
drive, though. She adopted me."
_________________
Brendon let his ice cream spoon stick out of his mouth. "That'll be cute. A
puppy ringing you up."
Ryan shrugged. "Oh-. Get that, dear? Thank you, darling," he said and scratched
he behind her ears. He wasn't lazy. At least not for asking Brandy to get the
remote he dropped. Bending hurt his back and even his hips. She was supposed to
help him with that. "She's not going to ring anybody up, Brendon. She'll lay
down and probably no one will even know she's there."
"You love her more than you love me," Brendon mumbled. He was nearly glaring at
his treat covered ice cream.
"I do not," Ryan said. He could tell he surprised Brendon in hearing him. "Come
here, love. Come sit near me."
After he pulled himself up, he straddled Ryan's lap. He had to shove the dog
off, first, though.
"Be nice," Ryan said. "You be nice." He touched Brendon's nose gently before
leaning up to kiss it. "She's nice to you."
***** Chapter 13 *****
Chapter Notes
     Here you go! Short, but summarizing.
_______
________
_______
Ryan was comfortable, all laid back with Brendon sitting on his shrinking
stomach, admiring his own bulging one. Some part of Brandy was under his hand
and he was scratchy with an absent mind. He wasn't listening much to the other
boy, just hearing enough to know he was rambling on and on.
"Ryan. Ryan?"
"Hmm?"
"My uncles, you'll meet them at Christmas, they're really nice. They said they
could build us a co-sleeping bed."
"What?" They were both laying in Ryan's bed. His new bed. More like his
parents' old bed he had requested be moved so he could have the last piece of
both his parents to exist. He was finally relaxed enough to let Brendon in it,
after getting it a couple days after he was escorted through his old house to
collect his clothes, his books, and his money, and while he tried to explain to
the officers and their video camera that his dad was a fine parent. They were
into December and Thanksgiving had passed by unnoticed with all that was going
on. First it was his bought of depression, then he had to be diagnosed with not
only paranoia, but bipolar disorder and an anxiety disorder and even ADD. He
had convinced Grace to let the attention disorder go untreated, when he was
already going to need meds for all the others, plus he also had a prescription
for pain meds. At seventeen. He was already a freak and had such a public,
weird past, he didn't want something else to add to him. And second, he thought
he had confidentially opened up to Brendon about wanting to drink and smoke,
and so he was being heavily monitored for that, too. Not that he ever left the
house enough to even get what he wanted. He didn't feel such a great need for
those things anymore, but he wished there would be no consequences and that he
could just keep going with it.
Brendon's shoulders fell. "Babe."
"Yeah, I don't know what that is. Fucking hell, Brendon, I'm sorry."
His shoulders dropped lower while he rubbed Ryan's chest to try and apologize.
He went on more calmly. "It's this cutesy little bed that will attach onto the
side of our bed and the baby goes in it. So I can feed him in the middle of the
night."
Ryan looked from Brendon's face to his small chest he had demanded he have a
bra for. "You're gonna feed it?"
"Mm-hm."
Ryan pushed him back up, seeing he had upset his partner. "Get off me."
"Why?" he asked, but was already halfway to his feet. "What's the matter?"
Ryan shook his head and sat himself up. His thoughts had gone back to that
little baby boy he held on the day he met John. "Just get away from me,
Brendon."
"What's wrong? Tell me what's wrong, Ryan."
Ryan pushed Brendon back when he tried to hug him. "You don't fucking touch me,
you hear me?" he said, spitting with rage. He couldn't help but to look at
Brendon's baby bump. What he had been pretending was a fattening gut. "You
don't want to fucking touch me."
"Yes I do, babe."
"Don't call me that!"
"Are you having a blackout?"
"No!"
"What is going on?"
Ryan turned to look at Grace, now in the doorway, for a second before he shoved
past Brendon. He met her and squared up in front of her. "I'm leaving, Grace.
I'm moving the fuck out."
"He's not blacking out. Unless maybe he can do it without his eyes changing."
Ryan groaned to the point of his throat burning and shoved past her, too.
Brendon was hanging on his arm by the time he had made it to the other side of
the living room, just to collect his work clothes so he could leave. He had
another shift, that day.
Brendon screamed and screamed while he tugged on Ryan. He had no doubt in his
mind that Ryan would go, and that he could. He had a car, now and he was even
calling Brandy with her leash and vest in hand. "Please," he cried. "Ryan, why
are you doing this?"
"Would you shut up?" he spat and raised a hand to Brendon. It made him flinch
away and let go, but Ryan didn't ever bring it down or turn. "I'm doing this
because I need to."
"Did you take all your medicine?"
"Yes, father. I took all my medicine."
"Well, you're like, acting really weird and you're scaring me to death."
Ryan sighed and held his head. Scaring was not what he meant to do. He never
wanted to scare anyone. "Look, I don't want this kid, alright?"
"What?"
Ryan took Brendon's shoulders and walked him back to sit him down on the couch.
"I didn't mean to scare you."
"What do you mean you don't want George?"
He could see Grace receding. "I don't ever want to scare you, ok? I don't ever
want to do that, again." He knew what it was like. "I'm gonna make you some tea
and we'll have a talk."
"But what do you mean?" he asked. He had to wait for Ryan to sit back down and
hand him a hot mug before he would get an answer.
Simply. "I don't want to have a baby."
"What?" he more screeched than asked. "But babe-."
"I think we should put it up for adoption."
"What!?" he screamed. His hands nearly dropped the mug and definitely spilled
some on his legs before Ryan could take it. They were in a hurry to reach his
stomach and hold it. "But we named him George! After you! And we picked out a
crib and we have so many outfits, such cute little baby one-ys and we almost
have a daycare picked out and we know I'm gonna pump and my mom's going to
start working from home so she can bottle feed him until summer and we have
shoes and we're gonna get a co-sleeping bed."
Ryan almost started crying himself at how destroyed he could tell Brendon was.
The way he held out 'bed' in a trembling, shaking sob. He could hardly breath.
Brendon had figured if he could remind Ryan how much time and money they had
already invested in the little thing, he would realize it would be a waste to
turn back. "We're gonna name him George."
He held the same whine again, crushing and crumpling Ryan's chest like a beer
can. "You know what? Fine."
Brendon almost collapsed with the relief trying to drown him. At least for the
time that he thought he had won.
"You keep the baby and I'll go."
"No! No, no, no. Ryan, no. We need you."
"I'll give you my entire paycheck every time I get it. I swear I will." Then at
least he could go back to his old ways, lying about how much he made. He didn't
care if this kid had the shittiest toys in the world so he could drink, or none
at all. None of the others would ever have the chance even for clothes. He
didn't care if this one starved, because those others did, too. At least this
one was being given a life at all.
"But where will you go? You have nowhere. You have to stay, Ryan."
"Don't you remember our little plan? I'll take my car and I'll park it and I'm
gonna finish school and get my own apartment, without you and some baby. I'll
do this myself and you can do this."
Brendon shook his head, he couldn't stop, and he moved them both to sit on
Ryan's lap.
"Brendon. Brendon. Brendon, no," he said under the other. Brendon wouldn't
stop. "Brendon."
"What?"
"I don't want a baby. There is absolutely nothing you can do to convince me to
stay and to have it."
"But."
"Look, B. There's something about me you don't know and I'm scared you'll find
out at the trial. That shit is gonna be on the news and you're gonna see with
everyone else. And I can't do this," he said with his hands to his crumpled
chest and tears falling from his eyes. "I just can't. You don't get it and I
really hope you never will, but I do not think with how I am now that I will be
of any help around you and the baby, especially."
Brendon tried to think of what it could be. The only thing that came to mind
was that some crazy person over there had castrated him and he knew he wasn't
the father, but then Brendon remembered he had never cheated. "Whatever it is,
babe. I don't care, no matter what. We can do this. We'll get through this
together no matter what."
"You don't get it."
"Even if you murdered people, I will always love you."
"No you wouldn't."
Brendon shook his head and left his hands on Ryan's cheeks. "I will. No matter
what. Anything could happen and I would still love you. If you murdered, if you
stole. Even if you abused someone else. We'll get through this."
"No we won't."
Brendon leaned all the way forward and put his head next to Ryan's. "I am going
to make sure of it. Even if I have to get five jobs while I'm nine months
pregnant. Now you can't go anywhere, you have to promise me. You have to stay
with us until he comes so you can meet him. Then you'll see that it'll be ok.
And you know I love you. More than anything else in the whole, entire world. I
love you, you know that?"
"Yeah."
"I will always love you. No matter what ever happens. Now, I don't know why
you're so scared to have a baby, but I know it's not usual. So, if this is so
ruinous to your health, your wellbeing, I'll say goodbye to you. Maybe we'll
get to connect, again, sometime, but I'm going to keep this baby. Maybe we can
keep seeing each other until he grows up or until you can handle it. But you
have to promise me you'll stay until he comes. You can do that, right?"
"Yeah."
Brendon nodded. Ryan was slowly rubbing his back and had started kissing his
hair. All that exhausted him, but he didn't want to let go. He closed his eyes.
_____________
Ryan shifted Brendon off him when he could tell he was close to waking. It was
nice to hold him, but he had to go soon or Brendon would wake without a plate
of food as an apology. He smiled carefully at Grace in the kitchen, but they
didn't exchange words.
Brendon grumbled at the breath on his eyes, but he opened them when he stopped.
He knew it was Ryan before he saw him, and opened his eyes to a plate of food.
He was so relieved to know Ryan was there and that he hadn't slipped away while
Brendon was napping. "You made me food," he croaked.
Ryan nodded and held it while Brendon sat. "Yeah, because I'm sorry." He knew
Brendon would appreciate something to eat, especially something he had to use
the stove to make. "I'm so, so sorry."
"It's not really your fault. I don't think. I'm sure you have a good reason,
but I really think we can do this."
"We'll try out hardest."
***** Christmas *****
Chapter Notes
     Yay! Update! So sorry it took so long. But it's longer and newly
     written so that's ok? I've also been working on the trial, so that
     will be easier up and hopefully more correct with the extra time I'll
     have on it.
"I don't want to go," Ryan said. He held his seatbelt in place and could feel
his stomach dropping while Grace was already on her way out of the car.
"Please. Please, I'll wait in here. Brendon, Grace? Let me stay here, please."
"Why are you freaking out?" Brendon asked, not even trying to hide that he was
annoyed. He couldn't help it. He was stressed over Ryan not wanting the baby.
Plus there was school, which for the first time in his life wasn't that big a
deal compared to everything else.
"B, they're gonna hate me. They're gonna hurt me. I have a dog, that's stupid.
She should have stayed home. Oh, no," he sighed and started ripping at his
thinning hair. He could feel a panic attack coming on and the only thing that
could calm him would be Grace telling him he could stay in the car. "She's
gonna get hurt, I'm gonna get hurt, you're gonna get hurt. Grace is gonna get
hurt."
Brendon gave an angry look to his mother, who returned an unsure one. "Why are
you being like this? I thought you were on medicine to stop this. Why isn't it
working?"
Ryan stopped the anxiety fueled rubbing on his forehead to think of how to
respond. He hadn't been taking any medication since the day after it was
prescribed. There was no one who could convince him he needed it, and no one
who could convince him the pills didn't have calories. He had been eating
dinners with them all and then going to 'shower' right after. On the off chance
they had lunch together, he went outside so they wouldn't get suspicious.
"I don't know, Brendon. I've never had to deal with your family before. They're
gonna-. Oh, fuck, Brendon, I can't do this. Just please let me stay."
He only softened when he heard Ryan was close to tears. "Just relax. You'll be
fine, I'll be fine. We're all fine and my family's really cool, so just chill.
Ok?"
_____
"Hi, Brendon," Helen said. She leaned down to give him a hug.
Brendon grunted something back.
"And you're George, right? I heard George."
Ryan nodded and offered her a hand to shake, which she waved away and went in
to hug him. He blinked, it was almost all he could do. "Yes, ma'am."
"He's Ryan," Grace corrected. "His first name is George, but his father went by
George, so he takes his middle name."
"Ryan?"
"Right."
Brendon looked to his mom for help when his second-oldest cousin, of the
babies, hung on him like she always did. There were three, now four, big kids.
He was the girly-est of them all and had the hardest time saying no every time
they wanted to play, making him their favorite. It was Hazel who was trying to
swing from his arm. She was the clingiest of the four girls. The oldest,
Dakota, was seven and acted older than she was. She was annoying, the most of
them all. The younger ones, Addison at four and Delaney at three, were better.
Delaney was the best as she rarely left her mother's, Helen, lap to play with
them.
"Oh, honey, don't do that," Grace said. She carefully pushed Hazel away. "Be
careful with him. No hanging."
"But I could, before," she said with a pout. "He let me last time I saw him,"
she whined.
"Ha ha, Brendon's fat," Dakota sneered. She pointed at him and laughed an
obnoxious, fake laugh when he put his head down and pretended to cry. As if she
was a baby. "You can't trick me with that, anymore, Brendon."
"Dakota!" Annie, another of Brendon's aunts, said in a gasp. "Don't you dare.
Go to your room."
"But, Mom, I."
"Go."
"Mom."
"I swear to god, if you make me yell at you..."
Brendon turned and pushed into Ryan harder and harder until he gave in and
started rubbing his back, which was odd for the behavior he showed in the car.
Brendon was sobbing and sent a hand to search the door they hadn't left yet,
for its handle. His mother kept pushing him away from it and stole him from
Ryan as soon as she could.
"What happened?" Mary asked. She found Brendon crying and helped her eldest to
comfort her grandson. "Are you ok?"
"Dakota called me fat," he said before his mother could step in and say it was
nothing. His belly was starting to show under his shirt. He was passed to his
Oma and got plenty of tight squeezes while she promised him he was ok.
Christmas was starting off terrible, so he figured it couldn't get much worse.
Ryan had his hand wrapped around Brandy's snout since he got out of the car. It
got tighter when he thought he could recognize the feeling of a blackout coming
on. Of course he had no idea what he was like every single one, but he knew it
changed, sometimes. So if she didn't call attention to it, maybe he could get
lucky and act normal just to wake up with missing memories.
"Oh, hi," Ryan said. He smiled down at Mary who was introducing herself. "Yeah,
oh no. Not George. I'm Ryan."
"Oh, sorry," Brendon said. He took Ryan's arm to hold while Ryan struggled to
get him off. "He's doing his blackout thing and-"
"No, I'm not, Brendon."
"that's the thing where he kind of just acts weird for a little bit. He does it
when he's too stressed and he kind of like overloads so he resorts to acting
like a kid, or sometimes thinking he's still young. It can be all sorts of
things, though."
"Oh. And those crazy pieces of shit made him do this?"
Brendon was so shocked, he had to cover his mouth. He was the first baby in his
family, and the only one for a while since his other, same aged cousins' father
married in with them. They did there best to sensor themselves around him, and
his grandmother didn't think she should stop even though the worry was lost
with the new babies.
"Well, look at him," she said. She pat her new grandson's stomach and thought
they must be putting weight on him slowly so as not to shock his body. "This
isn't normal. Just look at the poor thing. Your mother told me as much about it
as I could handle to hear, and I almost wish I could feel bad for those people.
They must be sick. Very, very sick."
Brendon nodded, still recovering. "Yeah, they sure are."
Ryan took the woman's wrist and shook her hand back and forth. "This is my dog,
Brandy. She's really sweet and everything."
____________
"I don't want to tell them," Brendon said as he stood in front of his closest
family. His mother was making him get it done before distant cousins and aunts
and uncles he didn't recognize showed up. They were already stretching it with
his aunt he hardly saw, but Grace told him he was crazy for not thinking she
was as immediate as everybody else did.
"I don't really care. Do it now or you'll be telling everybody."
His eyes almost rolled out of his head, and she called him on it. Though,
Brendon was only trying to hurry for Ryan's sake. He sat with head so low,
Brendon thought he only had the ability because his neck was broken. And he had
promised Ryan they would go down to the basement with their older cousins to be
more out of the crowd of loud, laughing, drinking adults, and all the little
girls running around trying to ride Brandy without him looking and tugging on
his shirt, then running, as they had been while they waited for that aunt. "Ok,
so obviously I'm gay," he said in a mockingly happy, singsong tune. "And this
is my boyfriend brother. Yay." He leaned over and wrapped Ryan as much in his
arms as he could. He got a laugh and kissed Ryan's hair winningly.
Grace pulled Brendon back. "Now, what else?"
His head tipped and his lips pursed. "Mm, I think that was it."
"Brendon."
He widened his eyes at the group of them at the island, waiting. "Ok, so
there's this thing where, like, my mom ate poisoned berries while she was
pregnant."
"Stop it, B."
"Ok, if you wanna talk so much then you just tell them," he mumbled to his
fingernails.
"Excuse me?"
His head popped back up and one hand fell on a stuck out hip. "The stork is
gonna come," he said. Saying the word 'pregnant' was the last thing he wanted
to do. "In about four moths, or something like that."
"What?"
He nodded with a smirk cutting his face. "Yeah. Not to a girl. Because our
lives have to be as messed up as possible. Me and Ryan. I'm. You know." He
touched his stomach. "My mom has a website she'll show you and I'm gonna go
downstairs now and nobody's gonna ask me any questions and nobody's gonna talk
to Ryan for the rest of the night. Ok? I'll see you all later."
"Brendon."
"Come on, Ryan," he said in a grumble with Ryan's hand in his to drag him
downstairs.
____________
Ryan tightened tighter and tighter into a ball in the corner of the slightly
furnished basement with every loud, drunk laugh he heard. Brandy was there for
him, standing in front of him as if she were protecting him, however sleepy she
seemed, and demanding to be pet every time his thoughts returned to something
in his past.
Brendon threw the ball back to his fourteen year old cousin, Charlie. Charlie
was the one always being beaten up by his sixteen year old brother, Albert, and
usually the one they picked on because he was so weird. He tried to feel bad
for him every once in a while, but he was always quick to remind him that
everything was returned. They could have nice days, too, and Brendon demanded
this be one with no fighting in front of Ryan. No play wrestling, which was
usually their go-to game. And no petty arguing that would lead to screaming.
The three of them were doing well, too. All they did was talk, mainly
complaining, with one or two cruel jokes here and there, and toss the ball back
and forth. Ryan wasn't having any part of their fun, mostly because he wouldn't
have fun doing it. Brendon tried to pass him the ball, at first, but he could
see Ryan didn't want him to. And Ryan probably couldn't hear much of what they
were saying, anyway.
"No, I have boobs," Brendon mumbled in answer. He looked down to his flat chest
while the brothers hogged the ball. "My mom just made me bind them so it
wouldn't be so weird."
"How big are they?" Albert asked while he tossed it to Brendon.
"Ew, ok, can you not hit on me? My boyfriend slash baby daddy slash protective
older brother is right here, you freak."
"Ew, baby daddy."
Brendon's arms were tiring, anyway, so he crawled over to Ryan to lean against
and pat his stomach in front of them. "Yeah. It's a boy."
"I don't believe you're actually pregnant. It's literally impossible," Charlie
said, always the smart one.
"Clearly not, you fuck piece."
"What?"
"Ooh, I got that one from Ryan," Brendon explained. "Right, baby?" he cooed in
a deep voice with his head back to see him. "Right, babe?" he asked, having
switched to a high voice to keep cooing. "Right?"
Ryan searched Brendon's face for what felt like minutes without answering
before Brendon got bored and turned back to the other two boys.
"Don't disrespect me, Charlie," Brendon said when he turned back to him. "This
is me and Ryan's baby and we almost died for him."
"You mean he almost died."
"Shut the fuck up." Ryan kicked Brandy to wake her. "Why would you do that? Why
would you say something like that?" he asked under her barks. She had already
been sleeping on the job, so he had been fending for himself the past few
minutes. "Brendon?" he shouted.
Grace broke off her conversation abruptly to run and find Ryan before the boys
could do something to unintentionally worsen him. "RyRy? Ryan?"
Ryan's head nodded forward and lifted back up to show Brendon a smile. Brendon
didn't return it, but it didn't matter to him, and he pulled Brendon into his
lap so he could lean forward and kiss him. "What's the matter?" he asked when
Brendon still wasn't responding to him.
Brendon wasn't sure what he should do, so he did nothing while Grace stood in
front of the large ottoman they were on and seemed to only be waiting.
Ryan knit his eyebrows and pushed back Brendon's bangs with a couple of
fingers. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Ryan hadn't done this so much to begin with, and this was the first
time Brendon could say he'd done it twice in a day. He'd never acted like this
before, for sure. Usually just immature. A few times he stared.
"Ok," he said. "Are you, like, mad at me?"
"No."
Ryan gave him a weird look. "What's wrong with you?"
Brendon shrugged and finally put their fronts together so they could hug. Ryan
immediately set his nose to Brendon's neck, like he always did, even when he
was normal. "I'm sorry if I made you mad," he mumbled, prompting Brendon to
shake his head and rub Ryan's back what he could with it pressed to the wall.
"No, babe. But have you lost-. Oh! Ryan? You blacked out, ok? It was only a few
minutes, nothing happened."
Ryan could only hold his pained head while Brendon rubbed his irritated skin.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"No you didn't do anything. You just were really nice, ok? You gave me a hug.
It's ok, now."
"Why don't you come upstairs to meet everyone, now, ok? Before it gets too
crowded. Then I guess you can just wait down here until dinner. Maybe eat down
here and we'll tell the doctor this medicine isn't helping."
Ryan was terrified of what they would think when they saw him. And if they
would just assume he and Brendon were gay. And what they would do when they
thought Brandy's vest was too hoity-toity for them.
"Babe, do the five things you see, four things you feel, that stuff," Brendon
advised when Brandy was started to cling more to Ryan. "You're gonna be fine."
Ryan went around from person to person, explaining, or rather, having Brendon
explain that Grace had adopted him. Nobody mentioned Brandy or her vest,
Brendon's weight, or asked if they had a relationship. But Ryan could see in
their eyes that they hated him and wanted him dead, so he was trying to get
through everybody quickly, before Brandy could bark.
Eventually, though, he came across a man taller than him. He still wasn't
blacking out, and Brandy was even calming. Brendon's family, even though
Brendon was still little, was not made up of all short people. But if Ryan was
six foot tall, himself, he could guess this man was not directly blood. His arm
finally had to reach up to shake a hand, while the man complimented him on his
colorful scarf, and with all the shaking, his sleeve fell down.
Brendon's distant uncle looked down at the movement and stopped. "Grace, you
said?"
Ryan struggled to pull his arm away while she made her way through a thick
crowd, but the man was much stronger and was backing him into a corner, as if
he might run away and not be caught, again.
"What's up? If he's being rude or weird, he's just-."
"No, no. Not at all, dear. Is-." He stopped himself, not wanting to offend him,
and leaned down to get closer to her ear. "Is he sick?"
"He has PTSD?"
"No." He lifted up the kids sleeve again and knew he had thought right when she
stared and lifted a hand to her mouth while she shook her head.
"Ryan?"
He kept his eyes to his toes and pretended he couldn't hear her, even though he
could. He knew he needed to lose weight because not only did the scale tell
him, but his body was begging for it. He couldn't bring up a day he wasn't out
of breath from walking to class. He was going to have gym soon, and he didn't
want to be the fat kid struggling to complete a sit up because his stomach was
too big. Even Mrs. Bose had asked him about his breathing, and she knew he was
a former smoker. Her class was already the farthest from his first, plus he
needed to take the stairs, and always ended up bringing up sputum in a cough
and fighting for air while Ben teased him.
She took his wrist and brought him back downstairs to have a quiet word. Brandy
followed silently and Brendon stayed upstairs, trapped by a conversation.
Ryan sat back down on the ottoman and waited for her to stop crying. "I'm
sorry."
She tried fanning herself, but she couldn't seem to get over the fact that her
baby was ill, again. "Why?"
He shrugged. Not that he didn't think she could tell, but he didn't want to
bring up his breathlessness because it was embarrassing. And he would never
tell anybody what the scale read.
She pulled him to sit with her on the couch, to lean on her. "I thought you
were ok, now. You told me you were fine."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are your cheeks even-. You're throwing up? Aren't you?"
He nodded.
"Why?"
He shrugged and opened his mouth, but closed it again. He had nothing to say
but that he was sorry. And he wasn't even really that sorry.
Her brain came up with more and more problems when she wanted just to sit
silently with him and hope he would get better. "You're doses are so high on
those meds, he keeps upping them. And you're so light, now. I have to call the
doctor and make sure he knows. Like, tomorrow and you just won't. Well, you
can't just stop such heavy meds, can you?" she asked, more to herself.
"I haven't been taking them at all."
"But you keep running out. Ryan, are you, like, are you using them to, you
know? Are you selling them?"
"No, not at all. I put aside what I would take everyday, so I run out when I
need to. I still have them all, they're in my desk."
"Oh, thank god. I thought I had a drug addict. Ok, then, doll. You're just sick
and we're gonna get you better," se said, the sad tint never leaving.
"I don't want to get better."
"Well." She sighed. "I know. But you have to. Brendon wants you better, you
need to be better for the baby. For yourself. You're gonna be ok, we just have
to work at it."
He nodded as he was too tired to fight her. "Are we going home soon?"
"Yeah. Soon. You have to eat dinner."
"Ok." He shifted off her and she rubbed his arm.
"I guess that's why you wouldn't let anyone touch you, huh?" She could feel how
thin he was under his shirt and jacket. And even though he was always bony,
there was an obvious difference.
"Yeah. I'm sorry I'm doing this."
"Don't apologize for being sick. We'll make this better."
______________
Ryan had been upstairs, standing tight to Brendon's side while he talked to
relatives. Some of them pet Brandy, and complimented him on her. The little
girls were busied by their early opened presents, and Grace promised him that
he and Brendon could open theirs at home. It was loud and even more crowded
when a big portion of the living room, had to be cleared for the kids to play
with their matching sets.
Dakota animatedly warned her younger friends to be quiet by putting her finger
on her lips, leaning over, and letting go of a loud "Sh." She held out her
hand, ripping it back when she wasn't ready and Brandy's tail was. Finally, she
caught it and yanked on it hard.
Ryan was almost knocked back when Brandy jumped on him. For a moment, he
thought he could be going into a black out, or maybe he was in one and she
always did this. But she was whining and hugging him and pushing her face to
him and her tail was even tucked.
Brendon spun around and saw the girls nearly dead with laughter on the ground.
"What did you do? Dakota?"
"Dakota!" Annie snapped. "What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything, Mom!"
"What did you do?"
"I- I have to go outside. This is too much," Ryan said as quickly as he could.
Brandy was still trying to get him to carry her, but he was afraid that her
jumping would just cause more problems with these people. Brendon nodded and
even went with him.
Ryan ran his hand back over his hair and let Brendon inspect his other arm.
Luckily, Brendon could see how stressed he was and didn't ask any questions.
Instead, he hugged him.
"Can you ask your mom to take us home?"
"No, you have to eat. You're gonna eat here."
Ryan was hoping he wouldn't bring that up. "I don't really think that's any of
your business whether I eat or not, but whatever, I guess. I can eat at home."
Brendon reattached himself and refused to let go when he was pushed. "We don't
have to talk about it right now. But I don't think she'll really take us home."
_
Ryan ended up back inside when Grace promised him they wouldn't go home until
he ate inside. He was backed into a corner while everyone worked to find their
seats and to fill their plates. All he knew was that Brendon was going to get
him a plate and load it up to as much as he could carry, probably, and that he
was going to have to sit at the kids' table. He would be joined by the other
boys, all the girls, and Brendon. He also knew he wasn't going to eat. He
wouldn't dare sneak away to get rid of it in Mary's home, but he also wouldn't
dare eat. And not only because he was so fat he could hardly move. He wasn't
going to disrespect the house by eating, even if they were all convinced he
needed to. He had already lost so much weight, he wasn't going back. And he was
starting to feel a little better with his body, the way looked, even if his
breathing wasn't getting better, but worse. Now he could blame it half on his
weight, half on his past smoking. He hoped Brendon would see he was being
difficult and not make a scene of trying to get it down his throat.
Brendon smiled on his way back with three plates in his hands, two piled high.
One his, one Ryan's, and one he got for a girl. The other boys each got one or
two for another person, as well as themselves. "Come sit, baby."
Ryan walked over to the seat Brendon patted, but he didn't sit.
"Sit."
Ryan looked at it, how small it was. He didn't want to break it as it was only
a little metal folding one.
Brendon stood on his tip toes and just reached under Ryan's chin to kiss. "I
feel like I know what you're thinking and I might punch you if you don't sit."
Ryan blinked down at it. As he did, a male relative he knew was the father of
at least one kid there came over and told him to sit, and he did. Immediately.
The chair didn't creak or groan under his weight, which was encouraging, but
not enough to fix him.
No words left him when Ryan wouldn't eat, even five minutes in. He just kept
working on his own food and chalked it up to him having been taught never to
eat. He was sure that was at least part of it, but he wasn't giving up.
Ryan thought things were going well, really well since Brendon didn't even ask
about it once. He left his head low and thought to himself what a wonder it
would be if he didn't have to smell all the food around him. It looked good, it
smelled good. It probably tasted good, too.
Grace came over to the table just as Ryan was feeling more secure, when Brendon
was nearing the end of Ryan's plate.
"What's going on?"
Brendon swallowed and looked up at her. "I ate and I'm eating for him and then
I'm gonna get him another plate and take him downstairs."
"You're not already?"
"I'm not gonna," he mumbled, more to himself.
"I'm not gonna start something because it's just gonna freak him out and I
don't think he would even if he were healthy. Because of them, you know. I'm
almost done."
"Ok. Hurry up, though."
Ryan was sitting stubbornly with his arms crossed and legs folded on the couch.
A fork with a bite on it was being waved at him, but he turned up his nose.
"Come on. We get to go home when you finish. And I swear to god, Mom will make
you sleep here if you don't. By yourself."
"No she won't."
"You're right. You'll have Brandy. But you can sleep down here."
Ryan grumbled and slumped. "I really like being skinny."
"Good. Cause this won't make you fat, it will make you full and happy. One meal
ain't gonna do it, two won't, three won't. Eating doesn't make you fat.
Overeating and eating bad things can make you gain a little bit, and more if
you keep it up. But who really cares anyway because that would be super cute.
But anyway," he said.
***** Chapter 15 *****
Chapter Summary
     I've only got a warning for the eating disorder, but it's in the tags
     and all anyway
Chapter Notes
     This kind of oxygen tank isn't made up, but I know the way I wrote it
     made it sort of seem that way. I'm only saying this because I would
     have thought it was complete fiction until a commercial I recently
     saw for one like this.
Grace dropped her purse on her mother's counter and settled heavily into her
stool. She was there to borrow money before getting back home to her boys. They
were back in school, their break had just ended. That was good for her because
it meant that she had one less meal to feed the both of them five days a week,
and for some reason, they were going through more food than ever. She could
guess it was because Ryan was eating again, and that maybe this was the first
time he was doing that in her house. He probably was too shy to ask for more
when they had to feed him in his casts, so maybe he was just comfortable
enough, now, to eat his fill. It was always a great help that Ryan was able to
help with rent and any other bills with his paycheck, but she still never
thought two boys could eat as much as they do.
"What's the matter?" Mary asked. She joined her daughter and set their drinks
down on the counter. "Are you ok?" She had already given Grace the money, and
knew how her daughter was always embarrassed, every time, even though she made
sure she knew it was no problem. There was something more this time, though,
she could tell.
Grace shrugged and spun the glass, admiring the light. "I'm just having issues
with Ryan."
"Well, what is it?"
"I don't want you to say anything," she said to start off. "I told him I
wouldn't mention it, but I don't know what to do. He has rapid cycling bipolar
disorder."
"Oh."
"Yeah. He's been on a high for the last month, which I think he said is pretty
long, for him. So I'm thinking he'll get over it soon, but then he could go
into a depressed episode. And it's just gonna happen. Just like that."
"There's medication for that, Grace. I can help you if you need to get him to a
doctor."
"He has medication but he just won't take it. He was diagnosed almost as soon
as he came home. But the problem is that he's getting into fights at school."
"Like, physical fights? He's fighting?"
She nodded and then sipped. "But I can't blame him. He can tell me all he wants
that's he's not aggressive because of what happened to him, but he is. He says
that it didn't affect him overall because he was fine until he was eleven."
"No. They still damaged him," Mary said. Grace smiled and nodded to her, as
Mary was getting angry the way she did.
"I know they did. The school had to suspend him for three days last week, along
with that brat Ben he fights with. It's almost always the same kid. And they
said he used to fight like this before his last accident, but that was when he
was drunk everyday. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, anymore. He's
getting hurt. He's just a lanky scrap and this other boy is huge. I've seen him
before. He's shorter than my Ry but he keeps sending him home with scrapes and
bruises. And Ryan's already got a bad back from everything he used to get. He
can't get anymore concussions, either. And luckily, he hasn't yet. Getting him
out of there was supposed to help him, the dog is supposed to help him, the
medicine is supposed to help him. All he does is take the one to stop his
paranoia that everybody is out to get him, so it allows him to freak out like
that. And I don't want him to be scared, but I don't know what to do. As
quickly as he says it'll go, it's gonna come back. Plus, not only is he
fighting, he's missing work. And now that this mania has come along, I'm not
even getting whatever money he's making for bills. He's blowing it all on food
and clothes for Brendon or toys for Brandy."
"Try crushing the pill and putting it in his food. Or is he still not eating?"
"No, he is," she said, finally with a real smile. "All those two do is eat,
anymore. I'm glad for that. Because now I might not even need to get him help,
since he's already doing ok. I don't know what did it, though. Hopefully it
isn't the episode, but I hate to say I think it is. Brendon told me he's always
been wishy-washy, whether it's with the bipolar moods, or not."
"Right, right. You'll just have to wait and see, I guess. But as long as it's
not a time-release pill, you can just put it in his water. Maybe it'll be the
right one to level him out."
___________________
___________________
___________________
Grace only walked in to check on Ryan when he screamed when it was unusual, as
it was this day. She knew he had already his morning fit about ten minutes ago,
but it wasn't often that he fell asleep again, or that he even screamed the way
he was. As soon as the door creaked open, she saw just a flash on him go from
in front of his mirror to under his bed. "What's the matter?" she asked, unable
to hide how frantic she was. It could be a black out, but she didn't know what
could have caused it, and it couldn't be a flashback, or he was have been on
the floor before he opened his mouth. "Ryan, answer me. Right now."
Brendon waddled through the doorway he was fearing was getting smaller too
quickly, but Ryan and Grace told him he was paranoid and that he wasn't much
wider, yet. "Ryan? Babe?"
"Get out!" Ryan screamed. He had his arms wrapped around his fat body,
wondering to himself how he could have let himself get this large. "Get out,
both of you! Right now!"
Brendon had to watch his mother find her knees easily and rest the side of her
head on the carpet to take a look at Ryan's back. "Sweetheart?" she called to
him and let her hand touch his shoulder.
"I said to get out!" He inched forward, careful to hide the sudden greatness
while he reached around to drag his blanket to cover him. He had been eating
well, apparently too well, lately. It was unbelievable, how stupid he'd been.
He had ruined his figure, even if it was not the best he had looked, it was far
better than what he was now.
"Come on, babe," Brendon said. "Get dressed and we can go to school. You can
tell me what's wrong."
"I am not going to school, now leave me alone."
"Why not?"
"I can't."
"Fine," he snapped and marched over to the bed. He sat down on it. "You know we
have to be together, anyway. So fuck you. I guess I have to stay, too."
Ryan grumbled and tightened his covers when Brandy tried forcing her way under
them to lay with him. "Why?" He was quiet.
"You know why. You have to stay with me because I'm in the middle of a risky
pregnancy and I have to stay with you because you could freak out and try to
kill yourself."
"I've been taking my medicine!"
"I know, you piece of shit. I'm talking about when you black out. Now are you
gonna get ready or are you gonna sit with me and tell me what's wrong?"
"Neither." Quiet, again.
"Ok, first of all, what tests do you have today? What's due? You can't just
decide to skip school by yourselves."
"None."
"It doesn't matter, I wouldn't go if I had a test in every class."
Grace shook her head and walked forward to only kiss Brendon, still sitting
angry with arms crossed. "I'll call you around lunchtime to check in, ok?"
"Yeah."
________
Brendon had been listening to gentle crying for an hour and was being ignored
for even longer. "Come out and let me see so I can make sure you're ok.”
Ryan tried to bring his sobbing to a stop, but he could hardly breath. "I don't
want to.”
"Oh no," he said and sighed while he got off the bed. "Come out. Get out here,
babe. I need to know what's wrong."
Ryan shook his head, just in case Brendon was looking at him. "No, I can't."
Brendon dropped his shoulders and got down on the ground. He found Ryan's chest
and wrapped his arms around it to sit back and bring him with him. "Can you
tell me what's wrong, now?"
"Can you not see me?"
"What?"
He writhed on the floor and curled around his stomach. "Look at me," he
groaned. "No, just get off. Leave me alone."
Brendon brought himself to lay behind Ryan and hold him that way.
"Now I'm just fat and I'm freaking out."
"But you look so cute."
Ryan settled himself down and jumped up when Brendon let go. He ran to the
bathroom, but didn't have time to lock the door before Brendon was next to him
at the toilet and trying to pull his finger out of his mouth. Brendon only
pulled his hands back when he heard the gurgling and the gagging. He left when
the vomit showed up.
_________________
Grace set down her purse quietly by the front door to not startle Ryan back to
his room. He was sitting silently and wrapped tightly in his thick comforter
while Brendon was pushing a granola bar to his lips with the food channel
playing in the background. She snuck over and took the seat next to him to hug
him and kiss his temple. "Are you ok, now?"
He pulled his head away from Brendon for the hundredth time and rest it on
Grace's shoulder. "Almost." It shouldn't take him too long, right? Going from a
chubby kid to an emaciated teenager took a long time, but he blamed that on
trying to eat whenever he could. Now he had to go from fat to thin, but he
wouldn't cheat on his diet, this time. Brendon kept trying to tell was fine.
____________
____________
____________
Ryan was limping into the doctor's office. He hadn't been walking well since
the numbers on the scale started to fall. He had also had his last fight with
Ben, even if Ben was not done with him. His bully picked on him, still, and
continued to push him around, but Ryan, paranoid again without the caloric
pills, just tried to keep his head down and his arms in close. He didn't like
that he was basically Ben's bitch, but he wasn't going to put his family in
danger, anymore.
Grace shook hands with the older man, Dr. Lunge. They had already seen Dr.
Arzt, who had recommended them to the pulmonologist. It had turned out that the
little cold the doctor's assistant found when Ryan was getting his shots wasn't
just a little cold. They were guessing whatever it was, was what had left him
breathless for so long. She knew it was going to be bad with Ryan being a
former chain smoker who lived in waste and ended up in a house fire for minutes
before he was rescued.
Ryan kept Brandy as close as he could and tried to make sure Grace was always
behind him. Throughout the visit, he had to do tests where he breathed into as
hard as he could, they had to take a walk for six minutes, and he was
questioned along with still more tests. In the end, he was diagnosed with mild
emphysema and prescribed a month long oxygen treatment. That was no good for
him. Now they were going to have to pay to get an oxygen tank and he was going
to have to do it in school. If he didn't, the sickness could get worse. In
school he would be teased and possibly attacked for wanting attention or
complaining. And finally, he was going to have to gain weight. Extremes in
weight, whether he was under or over, was threatening. He was already thinking
he could continue to lose weight and just rely on the oxygen. That was the only
positive, other than the fact that the doctor had recommended an electric
'tank' that would run on batteries, not liquid oxygen. It was going to be
light, which was perfect for him, and somewhat small. But he was still going to
have to wear obvious nasal cannula and possibly an occasional face mask, which
he was not happy about.
______
______
______
Ryan had started his oxygen therapy, but he had been forgetting it quite often.
And actually forgetting it, not faking it. He had two batteries. One charged
over night and was used during the day before they switched. Grace said he was
going to have to set a reminder for it on his phone. He was only hoping oxygen
didn't have calories, which he was beginning to think it did.
Ryan was in gym, now. It was cold out and he was too skinny to ever be warm,
anyway, so he had on sweatpants just like everybody else in his gym class, and
Brandy was sick, vomiting, so she had stayed home. Of course things weren't
going to go well for him, nothing ever did. It was a track day, so they had to
run for the entire period, which was hard for anybody there. And since he had
health with Ben, he had Gym with Ben.
"Where are you going?" Mr. Ersatz called to Ryan when he parted with the class
to head over to the bleachers, where he normally watched the class from.
"Yeah, where are you going, Ryan?" Ben asked.
"I think I've got this," the teacher said to the curly haired boy.
Ben clicked his tongue and sighed with a shaking head. "Watch. He's gonna try
to tell you he's got emphysema. Have you ever heard of a teenager with that?"
The teacher listened but didn't say anything until the other boy reached them.
"You looked dressed to me. Why don't you get out there and get your credit. It
isn't that hard."
"I, I'm not dressed, sir," he tried. Ben scoffed from next to him and gestured
dramatically to Ryan when the teacher gave him a look. "This is how I'm dressed
for the day." He was pulling the shirt out so it wouldn't fall on his stubborn
stomach. It was the only thing that wouldn't get smaller, for even his cheeks
were starting to sink. He wasn't bloated.
"Why aren't you dressed?"
"I'm not supposed to, sir. I don't participate in gym, anymore."
"Oh, and why not?" He had taken a step closer, clearly intimidating the
student, and glanced at the smaller one.
"I have a very bad back and I have been diagnosed with emphysema, sir." His
head was down and to the side, trying to be as hidden and as far as he could
without stepping back.
"No, I don't think so. How old are you?"
"Seventeen, sir."
"So are you gonna take a run, today?"
"Yes, sir."
Now he had emphysema with no oxygen, no dog, his back was in such great pain he
was hardly jogging, and he was exercising in the cold. Just, not for long. He
didn't even make it a quarter ways around to collapse before reaching the
senior's gym teacher waiting at the gate door, just like his at a different
spot. He tripped over his own feet and tumbled down the small, grassy incline
leading up to the red track. He could hear the man laughing just lightly on his
way over, but he must have stopped upon seeing Ryan blue faced and gripping his
chest.
_____________
Ryan sat in a wheelchair under a heavy blanket with his face mask on in some
office within the school. The guidance counselor was there with the nurses, the
principle, his substitute gym teacher, Ben, and Grace. His hands were still
trembling from fear and exertion, but mostly fear. He couldn't turn the oxygen
up high enough and he was too warm, but the blanket had to stay. And to add to
it all, he was in a room with Ben after getting him in trouble. School was over
and he was back from the hospital in a matter of a couple of hours filled with
bronchodilators and oxygen tanks. But after the scare of Mrs. Unecht, the
punishment was being dealt as quickly as he was ready to give his story.
"What happened, Mr. Ersatz?"
"I took the children out for their conditioning day run and he was dressed in
sweats just like everybody else changed for gym was. I thought he was trying to
get away with being medically excused since I was a sub. I asked him what he
had and he said a bad back and emphysema. I asked him if he was going to run
and he said yes. He only made it a quarter way around before he fell."
"What did Ben do?"
"He told me Ryan was going to tell me that and that Ryan was lying."
"What happened, Ben?"
Ben shifted in his seat with his red face and wringing hands. "I told him Ryan
had emphysema. Then he called Ryan over and asked about it and Ryan said he had
it, too. Then he asked if Ryan was gonna run and Ryan ran."
"What happened, Ryan?"
Ryan sat taller, trying to knock down the blanket on purpose, only to have it
adjusted tighter. He took a breath in as best as he could while he tried to
figure out what he was going to say. He knew none of this was his fault, but he
also didn't want to anger anybody. "He asked me what I was doing walking away
and I said I don't participate in gym. Then he asked me why and I told him
about my back and about my emphysema. He asked if I would go and I said yes."
Grace lifted her hand to interrupt. "We've been having problems with Ryan's
medication, lately. You all know about his past," she said with a look from the
principle to the nurses to the guidance counselor. "He is extremely paranoid.
Extremely. I know that he wouldn't just say yes to doing that. He knows his
boundaries. I think he was being intimidated. And maybe not on purpose, but I
know he wouldn't just go do that for fun. Without his medication you could tell
him to do a hundred things and he's gonna do them all because he thinks, right
now, that if he doesn't, somebody will, well, he thinks everybody will want to
hurt him or his dog or boyfriend or me. His thinking is just skewed without
that medicine. So I think," she said and looked to the gym teacher. She was
trying to be polite, but she felt like she could really do some horrible things
to that man and that boy for making Ryan run. It couldn't have been hard to
tell they were scaring him, for when Ryan is scared, he stutters and trembles.
Still, she had a bite to her words. "That maybe you don't need to question
students who say they have a problem with their back so they can't run, and
especially one with their breathing. I understand you can't know every student
and their medical conditions, especially being a substitute. So next time,
maybe you don't even ask the kid saying they have a respiratory problem like
that to run at all and you just let it go. His regular teacher knows all about
this, so I'm sure you could have left a note saying what he said if you thought
it was a fake excuse."
Mr. Ersatz put his head down. "I just have never heard of a kid, a kid, with
emphysema."
"And now you have. Plus, it isn't that uncommon to have a bad back at his age,
so you shouldn't have asked him to participate at all."
"He said he would."
"I don't really care," she said, finally giving her words a snap. "You can say
all you like that this is his fault, but it's not. It's yours. And I'm sure
you, Ben, did more than you say with how much you two fight. Ryan very easily
could have died. Then what would you do? You would have been responsible," she
said back to the teacher, again. "Your class had to be stopped and a lot of
them were having panic attacks seeing him go away in an ambulance. Imagine if
it was because they saw one of their fellow classmates die on the track out
their because you were too ignorant and too lazy to check for a medical note of
a child claiming emphysema. Imagine if that had happened. Now he's had an
exasperation and that isn't helping him get any better. Each one makes it
worse. Think about that and stop trying to blame anybody but yourself."
Ryan kept quiet and left his head hanging low when she just kept going at him,
even over every time he tried to interrupt her.
"Yeah, and now you're gonna give me a dirty look because you know I'm right and
you're mad at me for telling you off because you almost killed my son? He's my
baby and you are the reason he almost died. Oh! Not only did you not check to
make sure or just take a note, do you know how cold it was out there? That's no
good, either. I should sue you for doing this. Then maybe you'd learn."
"Um, do you want to press charges?" Mr. Besser asked calmly with a twist of his
chair to her.
"No, I don't. But I want him to be reprimanded for his actions. That was very
irresponsible."
"Of course he will be. And I'm almost always reachable if you have anymore
concerns, Grace. But other than that, I think we're done. We'll just have to
figure out what will happen to the teacher."
"Thank you."
________________
Mrs. Bose opened the door to Brendon during Ryan's class period, obviously. He
only ever came to her for Ryan. "What do you want?"
"I really need to see Ryan," he said.
She inclined her head and stepped aside. Normally, she wouldn't be so easy to
let a couple see each other, she wouldn't allow it at all, but Ryan was sitting
sickly in his seat. It was no secret he was back with his eating disorder. His
face had been hollow for too long and he only came to school in sweats and
slippers anymore, but his sleeves slid back to his elbows to show the simple
lines he had for arms when he pushed his thinning, dull hair out of his face.
He wore his oxygen mask everyday and even his dog wasn't right. She sulked,
too.
Brendon was waddling, but made it over to Ryan with his seat the closest to the
door. He struggled to get his knees to greet the floor friendly, but he made it
with Ryan watching. It seemed that Ryan no longer even had the strength to keep
his head up all the way, so it was always slightly inclined. "Babe, I bought
you a water bottle as soon as I got the chance, ok?" Ryan had forgotten his at
home. He had generally been using the water to stop his belly from growling.
His mother never knew about it, Ryan made sure.
"Thank you." He was out of breath from that and couldn't say more.
"And I brought you more of these," he said and spilled hard candies in front of
him. Ryan followed along with the articles online and sucked on them throughout
the day, on his good days. It was the only thing he was eating.
"Thanks."
Brendon nodded and sat up to lean to him and kiss his protruding cheekbone. "Do
you want me to open one for you?"
"Yes."
Brendon twisted open the wrapper and even ended up putting it into Ryan's mouth
when he couldn't move to pick up his arm. It was a wonder he had even made it
to class that day, especially upstairs for science. Even if he wasn't taking
the stairs anymore, anorexia or not, it was still across the entire school.
Today would be his last day, though, thankfully. He just didn't know it, yet.
"Do you want help with your water, too? No, not yet? Ok, well I just ran up
here to give you that, ok? I'll leave one more out on your desk for you and you
can tell Jon they're in the very front, smallest pocket of your book bag, ok?"
he said slowly. "Jon can get you one next period and he's gonna help you with
your water, too, ok?" He was pulling back Ryan's hair, tucking it tighter
behind his ear over and over, again. Ryan nodded to him, only, and then Brendon
stood to lean in front of him for a goodbye kiss. "I'm gonna go back to class,
now. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Brendon smiled and kissed him once more. "Ok," he said quietly. Instead of
going strait back to class, however, he stopped by the teacher's desk.
"What's up?" she asked.
Brendon glanced over his shoulder to try and make sure Ryan couldn't hear, but
ended up kneeling by her desk, too, anyway. "I'm going to all Ryan's teachers
to make sure they know today is his last day."
"Why?"
He sighed and rubbed his arms with either hand. "He doesn't know it yet because
he's just going to be difficult about it, but he's going to check into the
hospital, today. The therapy is working and he's fine-. Well, he's not. But he
wants to get better, now, he just can't. He's too far. I mean-." He started
quickly when she was sitting up and looking scared. "He can, he can. He's going
to be able to, he just can't from home. He's going to be staying in a special
ward and he'll always have a dietician and perfectly portioned meals and
support from group therapy and they're gonna force him to take his meds and
everything. We already checked it all out, it's really nice, but we didn't want
him to know about it and then he might try to kill himself because he doesn't
want to go. So we're just going to take him."
"Do you know how long he'll be out?"
Brendon shook his head. "No. Hopefully not too long since he really does want
to get better for us, so he shouldn't be pitching any fits. But it's too
dangerous for us to feed him, now. So he's gotta go," he sighed. "Should he
continue wanting to get better, he won't be out for long. Just long enough to
get him safe, again, maybe a little extra. Definitely by court," he said and
lifted his eyebrows to her. They just found out the exact date, and that the
teachers Mrs. Lustig and Bose would attend to possibly testify.
______________
"Be careful feeding him," Grace said. Ryan knew his therapist was coming, but
he thought it was for another session. The woman had set his hospital stay up
for them, and she was going to accompany them on bringing him there.
"He just wanted a taste of ice cream," Brendon said. He got another tiny bit on
the spoon and brought it up to Ryan, again. "You like this kind? When you get
better and safe, I'll you get you your own tub and you can eat the whole
thing."
Ryan scoffed. The door opened.
________
"I don't need the hospital," he snapped. "We can do this here."
"It's too dangerous," the therapist said. "You're so far gone and so quickly,
you got like this. There have been too many people who have died trying to put
weight back on."
He sat back and crossed his arms. "I don't care. You're gonna make me miss
Brendon, Brandy, Grace for you don't even know how long? I'm gonna be out of
school."
"Come on," Brendon tried. He snuck under Ryan's arms and put his around Ryan's
waist. "You want to get better, don't you?"
"Not at the hospital."
Brendon held his head to hover above Ryan's chest, not wanting to crush it. His
heart beat could be seen if not for his shirt and his breathing was
unorganized. "It'll be like a little vacation. You get to get away from Ben and
school and you're only getting more stressed here about the baby as the days
go, so this will be nice for you. You'll get to come back healthier and
happier. It'll be great."
There would be no talking Ryan into it, but no getting him out of it, either.
He was forced to go, though he was never gonna like it. He had no energy to
fight them, so he went straight to the car when they started to head out. But
he had to say goodbye to Brandy, first. She wasn't even going to be coming to
see him off. He was going to get to talk to Brendon and Grace on the phone, so
far, should they not take his privileges away, but he couldn't talk to the dog.
"I'm not getting out of the car," he said with his arms folded and hard candy
knocking his teeth. He was only getting more frantic the closer they got. He
didn't like to think about the baby or even acknowledge its soon to be
existence, but he didn't want to be away from it. He wanted nothing to do with
any more babies for the rest of his life, but he still had to be there to be
protect it. They were there in no time and he had forced Grace to take his arms
and pull him out of the car. She threatened to carry him to get him to move.
Ryan and the rest were led by a doctor to a small room up some floor and down
some halls. The walls were lined with a total of five beds, but there were four
other people sleeping. Three were women with one other man, but he was taken to
a bed next to a long, sandy haired woman he was told was named Martha. He
noticed his bed a curtain hanging from its rack near the ceiling that could be
pulled to hide his bed. Martha didn't have a curtain and he had to be told the
genders of the others because they were hidden. He only got a quick goodbye
from his family, then Grace made sure his phone was plugged into the charger
she put by his bed before he was left all alone with the doctor. It was him who
helped him into the bed over the rail and closed the curtain for him.
_________
_________
Ryan woke up screaming, still behind his curtain, to a man shouting angrily. It
scared him to shriek and kept him laying low under his blanket while he tried
to figure out just what was going on.
"This isn't fair! You're taking away my privacy!"
"It's just to keep you safe, Michael," a woman's voice said gently.
"This is only making it worse!"
Ryan opened his eyes, relieved to see the grey drape until it quivered and
moved. Martha was peeking in at him, showing him she wasn't quite woman he
thought she was when he saw her dead hair and tired, old body sleeping. A young
girl's voice asked him, "Is your name Ryan? The doctor's told us your mother
says your name is Ryan, even though it's George."
He nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
"I'm Martha. I'm eleven. How old are you?"
"Seventeen, miss."
"Martha."
"Yes, Martha."
Martha giggled and put out gentle fingers to admire the tube coming from his
mask. "I just got taken back off my oxygen. You shouldn't be on for long."
He lifted his head and chest to rest on his elbows and try to peak around her
at the commotion still going on, not even affecting her. "I have emphysema," he
said quietly. "I'm not gonna get off it."
"Isn't that from smoking?" she asked while she admired her brittle nails on
spread fingers.
"Yeah, usually."
"Hey, why were you screaming?" she asked quickly.
"Martha, don't you go bothering him," a nurse said firmly.
"We're friends," she assured him and turned back for her answer.
"Um, I have PTSD," he said on his way to his knees. She couldn't be dangerous,
not in her young and emaciated state, not even to him. "Do you know what's
going on? What happened?"
She nodded. "Yeah. Mike tried to kill himself really early this morning so he's
getting his curtain taken away. But he really doesn't want to give it up.
You're lucky you still have yours."
"Why don't you."
"Because I tried killing myself, too. I promised them I'm over it, but once you
get it taken away, you can't have it back. I wouldn't recommend trying to kill
yourself in here."
"Ryan, we gotta open this for now," the doctor from the night called to him
while he slid the curtain to scrunch against the wall. "Martha, get back in
your bed. Breakfast will be here soon."
She dropped her shoulders low and sighed before sulking off.
"She's a nice girl, isn't she? You can just tell her you need to be alone if
she starts bothering you. She can be a little nosey, a little hyper."
"Hey!"
The doctor laughed and handed Ryan a little cup of pills and a Dixie cup of
water. "What is this?" he'd rather ask questions than be poisoned without even
trying to avoid it.
He lowered the cup and pointed to each of the different pills. "This is your
anxiety, your mood stabilizer, your antidepressant, and your paranoia."
Ryan recognized the colors and shapes and took the cup carefully. He thought it
was crazy how overmedicated he was. He didn't need to survive on all of this
for seventeen years. He was fine for seventeen years, and now he suddenly was
being treated for every little thing.
________
________
________
Ryan tapped angrily on his phone after his last group therapy. He knew it was
his last, he just had to convince Grace it was, too. He had suffered through
two weeks of unfamiliarity and hell. He screamed every single time he woke, not
just the majority anymore with no Brandy to wake him before his panic. He had
refused to speak to Grace and Brendon on day two when they refused to pick him
up. Martha had tried to kill herself twice and he, once everyday resulting in
an admittance to the psychiatric ward for a week until he could be admitted
back to the original one with Martha and the others. He had no curtain. He had
gotten close to going when the nurse accidently left the medicine cabinet in
the only bathroom open just before he went in. A feeding tube was in for the
first four days before he let down his guard enough to eat in front of them
all. He wasn't on the verge of death anymore, so he couldn't see why he should
be allowed to go home.
He got an answer almost immediately. That didn't surprise him as it was the
first time he sent something to her since he shouted at her through text that
he wished she were dead and that she had never adopted him. She said she was at
her mother's with Brendon and that he couldn't come home until he was ready.
______________
"You should just go get him," Brendon said. Him, Grace, his Oma, and Opa sat
around the island. He pushed his plate away from him and the stool creaked when
he shifted. He was the only one eating while his mother begged for help from
Mary.
"He's not ready or the hospital would have spoken to me," she said, reading the
message over and over. While Brendon kept trying, a new bubble popped up with
him actively typing.
Brendon stopped mid sentence when he notice the grey bubble and got off his
stool to peak at it.
__________
Ryan rolled away from the doctor coming to give him a plate. He kept tapping at
it and ripped it away from a nurse's hands when he tried to get it from him.
"Ryan, you can't be on your electronics when it's a meal time."
Ryan ignored her and ripped his blanket over his head and hid under his pillow.
He told Grace that if she didn't pick him, he would try to kill himself. And if
he didn't succeed while in the hospital, he would do it when he got home. That
was sure to work.
"Ryan."
____________
Brendon hid his face away after reading it and took his seat back. His
grandmother came to him and hugged him while he started to cry. "Go get him
because you know he's not just saying that. He can't be medicated and he's
crazy."
Her head shook on its own at the text before she stuffed her phone into her
purse to sling it over her shoulder.
"Can I go with you?" Brendon asked. She didn't answer him, so he didn't follow.
Mary tried to tell him it was best that he didn't.
All he could do was nod to her while she explained and explained that Ryan was
fine. He looked down on himself and started to cry.
___________
Ryan stepped up into the car with much more confidence and even ability than he
did two weeks prior. When he had to be helped in and half lifted. "Thanks," he
said, but didn't get an answer until they were halfway to Mary's.
"You're not gonna kill yourself, right, baby doll?" she asked. The tears were
flowing at the thought and the need for the question.
"No. You got me."
She sighed. "Staying in the hospital a little longer to make sure you're ok and
well shouldn't be grounds for suicide."
"But I've been ok and well for a while, now," he said. "I just wanted to come
home. I didn't wanna be, you know. I didn't want to be by myself and scared.
You know? Like, now I've got to deal with this and I'm missing my dog and I
don't want to have to text Brendon to talk to him. I missed you. I'm gonna have
so much school work to catch up."
"You're being excused for the past two weeks," she said. "I already talked to
Mr. Besser about it. You just have one test to make up for in Science and
everything else you're being exempt from."
"Oh," he said and slumped into his seat. "That makes me feel so much better."
Brendon rushed into Ryan the second he got in the door. “You look so
beautiful,” he cried.
“You didn’t even see me, yet,” he said, but hugged back all the same.
Brendon stepped back to get a proper look. “Brandy is going to be so happy. She
hasn’t been eating without you and she won’t let us take her on walks. She
collected all your scarfs and she sleeps with them.”
Ryan turned right to Grace.
“We’re going now,” she said before he could even ask.
_____
Ryan stepped in the door and didn't say a word.
“I tried to trick her a couple time so she would get up and move. She doesn't
believe me anymore,” he explained before calling to her. He got no response at
all.
“Hey, Brandy, are you there, dear?” Ryan asked. Before half his sentence was
out, Brandy was around the corner and knocking down the dining room chairs to
scramble to him and pin him against the door. She refused to get down, only
Brendon pulling her collar back could part them.
***** Chapter 16 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Brendon smiled and chewed at Ryan with milk dribbling down his chin until the
doorbell rang. Ryan was worse than Brandy, who they were finally making
progress on not barking at a knock. She stayed quiet while Ryan jumped up,
hobbling and all, to rush to the door.
Ryan pushed Brendon to sit against the back of the couch for his own safety. He
always made sure he was the first to answer the door, to make sure it wasn't
some attacker. "Be quiet," he spat at Grace when she tried to convince him to
sit down. He hung onto to the couch to get him there and opened the door
quickly.
His mouth gaped and he slammed the door on an arm reaching to grab him. It was
Earl's arm trying to grab at him with a gun obviously concealed in his pocket.
Sue stood with a kitchen knife under her hands folded together, and Melody did
the same. He thought these people had been arrested, but it only made him feel
better that he had the instinct to rush to the door. Of course, he wasn't
thinking about that while he smashed Earl's wrist under the heavy door over and
over until he let go. "Go to Grace's room," Ryan hissed while he locked all
three locks. They were both out of sight of what he had done, but he thought
they would at least notice something really was wrong after the smashing.
Brendon rolled his eyes and continued to munch. Grace had given up on stopping
him and was to the back room. "Don't hit the door like-. Jesus, who is it?"
"Who's at the door? Is it Jon and Spencer, because I told them to fucking knock
that shit off." Whoever it was wouldn't stop pounding. First they had to go
ever the ding-dong ditching, then when they all wouldn't stop ringing the bell
and acting as if it hadn't happened when she came to yell at them. She finally
got them to stop it, but this was worse.
"Shut the fuck up!" Ryan spat as loudly as he could whisper. He found strength
not his own and pulled on Brendon until he had to either get up or fall down.
He only followed then, entertaining his seemingly ridiculous request of sitting
behind the bed and under the blanket messily tossed over him.
Brendon figured it was better to let him play it out then frustrate him and
make him upset when they didn't listen. Last time he and Grace ignored his
overly precautious procedure of allowing him to get the door, his feelings were
badly hurt and his temper was shortened. Spencer had probably just yelled a
name at him or threatened him to be funny. Brendon was surprised by how hard
Ryan was taking it when he shoved Grace down after she helped him over and told
Brandy to lay and stay, stay, stay under the bed with the house phone in his
hand. His cell phone was in his back pocket, Brendon could see, so he had no
idea why he wanted the landline. "What are you doing?"
"Ryan? Ryan, did you just dial 911? That's for emergencies!" Grace snapped. She
tried to get the phone from him, but his free hand went around her neck and
took it to his arm so he could cover her mouth, instead. Brendon checked Ryan's
eyes, but he shook his head.
Ryan couldn't explain to them, or they would get scared. The last thing he
needed was two anxious people in a tiny room when it was critical they stay
silent. But then he needed to explain to the operator.
"Yeah, I opened my door and there are three people outside trying to kill me
and possibly my family. Yes. Yes. Earl Ross, Melody Ross, and Susan Ross."
Brendon tried to offer some blanket to his mother on the other side of Ryan so
they could sit cozy for however long this would take, but Ryan ripped it from
both their hands and tossed it in a lump over him again, and then whacked him
hard through it when he tried to striated it out for more comfort. "Maybe his
eyes just don't always do the thing."
Grace couldn't answer him because his hand was back over her mouth and he was
starting to pull her up. She mumbled something to his palm, but nothing would
stop him from dragging her to the small closet and shoving her inside. She
cracked the door back open to watch the room and listen to him on the phone.
"Well, they're my relatives. And they used to abuse me, like, child abuse.
They're all crazy and I think they hate me even more, now, because I got away.
Yes, Earl has a gun and Melody and Sue have big knives. They-. Fuck," he hissed
to her and spun. Brendon couldn't fit under the bed and there was no where for
Ryan to go. Even if Brendon did fit, he was scared anyone more than the dog
would be noticed. "No, I don't know how they got it. I-. They're trying to get
in the front and back doors and-. K," he whispered. "One of them just got in.
Ok." He didn't hang up the phone like she asked and stood in front of Brendon,
but not too close. He drug the pillows to sit on top of the blanket while he
listened to them smashing through doors and ripping open cabinets until they
came across the only locked one. Sue was in in a matter of seconds with her
knife to pry open the door.
"Thing!" Sue croaked. "It's so nice to see you again!"
He couldn't answer. He couldn't act tough or call something brave or witty like
in the movies. He shrunk back, not even able to hold his ground. He prayed in
his head and he hadn't prayed since he was eleven. Not when they sent him to
the hospital and not when they stabbed him. All that happened when he was on
his own. He didn't really care for Brendon the way he cared for him now. And he
had more to protect than ever. Not only his mother and his boyfriend and his
dog, but now he had two babies that he hated to admit were even real.
"Come to Grandma, my sweet thing. Come here, thing. Don't you want to come back
with me? Get back in your cage where you know it's safe? What are you doing in
this dingy little shit hole?"
Ryan kept walking back until he hit the wall. Earl and Melody stood behind
their mother and eyed him like he was a piece of meat. His mouth was glued
shut.
"Fine, you dog," Sue growled. She advanced, pushing past the bed and marching
up to him. He was frozen with fear, she could tell, giving her the perfect
opportunity to stab the knife into his outer thigh and twist. Only at that did
he make a noise, a throaty scream.
Grace pushed open the closet door to find Ryan punching some older lady in her
face while two more adults made their way forward, one stopping at her, the
young male. She brought her knee up to make him groan. She did it again and
again, holding him up until she could no longer and he fell to the floor where
she could stomp on his face.
Even with the adrenaline rush of fighting for his life, Ryan could hardly move
with a knife in him. He had no pain in his back or even his leg, but that made
him no stronger. Kicking the younger one between her legs did hardly any
damage, though she did stumble back into Grace. Brendon was staying put
pretending to be a pile of linen and Brandy didn't make a sound, even when the
sirens started whirring and a man called to the attackers to come out. He kept
fighting and he was winning. They were matched up just fine with him so weak
taking on the older one and Grace even with Melody while Earl writhed on the
floor. They weren't winning, but it wasn't looking so grim with help making
their way inside.
The fighting didn't last much longer. He was stuck in handcuffs along with
Grace and the three, giving him time to remember the knife in his leg. "Baby,
it's over," Ryan called to the blanket quickly, before the police officer could
shut him up and read him his rights. Ryan was put onto a gurney and handcuffed
to it right in his spot.
Brendon pushed his cover aside and let the police woman help him up and
handcuff him, with two handcuffs, too. He was promised they just had to get the
story strait when he tried to tell her he didn't do anything. He was left to
sit on the bed by himself until they could get back to him. He looked around
for Ryan, but there was no sight of him to be seen and Brendon hadn't come out
of hiding until the gurney had left the room. He noticed blood on the floor and
hoped to god it was one of theirs, for it was a lot. "Brandy? Come here,
Brandy."
Ryan's hands were apart in the ambulance. They cleaned him up some on his way
to be questioned as soon as he was deemed stable without his knife by the
hospital.
______________
"Oh, my baby," Grace sighed when the door to Ryan's room closed. The officer
was just leaving after unlocking Ryan from his bed. She leaned over and hugged
him while Brendon kept hugging him from his spot laying next to him. All they
had to do now was wait for someone to bring them release forms
Chapter End Notes
     It didn't make as much sense as it could have because doing two
     versions of the same story at the same time is one hundred percent
     the worst thing I could do. I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry it's
     nowhere near as long as it should be.
***** Court Day 1 *****
Ryan was back to school on Monday after coming home that Friday. He had one
crutch under his right arm to help his right leg along. He was humiliated just
coming back with his oxygen tank, his dog, and now one crutch. The news of him
getting stabbed by his former abusers was all over the television and it was
causing a stir with the police departments and the child protective services
because Sue, Melody, and Earl had never been arrested when Amber, Jack, and
Norma were. All the children were taken and Ryan was recently informed by the
News that Rob had been rescued hours before his accident and was actually
making progress on becoming a human after acting like an animal while not being
treated like one for weeks after his rescue. The court dates were the upcoming
Wednesday, Thursday, and were to possibly spill into Friday. The whole
situation was a giant debacle and the trials were getting mashed together for
the biggest case of child abuse around, he was told. But it was coming soon,
nevertheless, and he had to get things together. Ryan didn't look so dangerous
all fat and crutched with an oxygen mask on his face, but he couldn't let Mrs.
Bose and Mrs. Lustig go in there and possibly give their words to say things he
doesn't want said.
"I need to speak to you outside," Ryan said to his evil science teacher. She
looked him up and down, stopping at his stomach. After all that was going on,
there was still more. The guidance counselor had to lecture him about his
pregnancy with the nurses, but when he asked when the school would be informed,
he was half laughed at. Mrs. Unecht's procedure of having students on the
morning's show announce Brendon's was made up bullshit. No one was supposed to
know, whether the student was male or female, and that only added to things she
did that were illegal. Ryan could only guess she had to make Brendon suffer
before she knew she would be fired for not reporting his father for child
abuse.
"Excuse me?" He was hardly intimidating without his jacket and missing teeth
with his breath full of vodka and smooth, calm threats. That was when he was
unpredictable and angry, but ever since he came back nicely clothed and
medicated, he only had the period of time where he was getting into fights and
losing every one. He didn't speak to anybody and did whatever was asked of him.
"I need to talk to you. Right now and in the hall, please."
He wasn't even calling her miss or ma'am. She stood up and led him out to
entertain him
Ryan closed the door and walked her back from it. "Remember when we sat out
here and I told you everything?"
"Yes."
"You might be called up to testify and tell them what I said, along with Mrs.
Lustig."
"I know that."
He nodded. "Ok. How old did I say I was?"
She tipped her head to think. She had been going over the day in her head,
recalling what he said again and again with her nerves. "Eleven."
"Ok, right. I wasn't eleven when my father started. They still kidnapped me
when I was eleven and started the abuse then. My father started when I was
fourteen or fifteen."
"I'm sorry?"
Ryan sent his crutch forward to bend down and stick his face right in hers. "I
told you I was fourteen or fifteen. Got me?"
She stepped back. "What do you mean? You told me it all started when you were
eleven."
"I know that," he said with a spit. "But you get sentenced to death in this
state for damaging child abuse if the kid is younger than fourteen."
"So why say you were eleven, at all?"
"Because I want them to die," he shouted shortly. "And that's not a lie. My
mother died when I was eleven, ok? This is the story, fucking listen because my
father is not going to get the death penalty, do you hear me?"
"Yes."
"My mother died when I was eleven and they found out and came and took my
father and I to their house to play with us. He was too paralyzed with fear to
do anything about it, not that he would be able to stop them anyway. The took
me every weekend and kept me over all my breaks. They still fucked with my
father when he was there and this time he was. They told him to hit me and he
was so scared of them, he did. But not a real hit. They threatened to kill me,
Rob, and-."
"Who's Rob?"
"They gave it a name, he's Rob now. They threatened to kill us if he didn't hit
me for real, so he did. He hit me. He was very saddened by that and he started
to drink, for the first time, and it came to him. You don't necessarily need to
say that, I can, but you just remember how old I was."
"What about everybody else who knows how old you were? Don't you think Brendon
and Grace would want him to get what he deserves?"
"He does not deserve that, you literal piece of shit. He was kept in a cage by
the same actually crazy people I was. He was there for nothing but their
amusement, do you know that? These people get a kick out of watching us sit in
our mess and eat dog food and kill and-."
"What?"
"They think it's a game!" he snapped. "They're having fun and it fucked him up.
Have I ever told you how alike we all look? All the men on that side, excepting
fucking Earl because I don't even believe he has the same father as my dad with
what pieces of shit they are. Me and Rob and my father and his, we all look the
same. We would. Except that you wouldn't be able to tell he's my father because
his cheek is parted for a slice he got for looking at his sister and he has a
hole on his face because his father got bored. Something crazy? He's got little
holes along his lips because they sewed his fucking mouth shut. See these
scars? The thing's got 'em, too, but they're not the same. Only my grandfather
remains untouched, just in his casket. I'll say, he died three days before my
birthday and it was the best gift God could have given me, but my dad grew up
with that man. It isn't his fault, you know that, you do. He isn't right,
anymore, but he was never given the chance to be. They fucked him up and then
my mother went and killed herself after a small argument because she decided
she wasn't bipolar anymore. It was his fault, that's what he thinks. He started
drinking because he knew no better and it fucking brought all that shit back to
him, especially seeing his sister, his pregnant fucking sister every weekend to
take his only son to play. He didn't look at me odd for eleven years, so you
can shut your stupid fucking mouth and understand that he deserves nothing but
a home that can take care of him after all that he went through." He was
tearing up. "Me and thing, especially, they say we deserve a gentle life from
here on out. I watch the stories on him and he knew not how to act like a
person when he was taken to the orphanage. He's got the maturity of a toddler
now and they say all he deserves is whatever blue toys he wants to play with
and whatever he wants to eat, even though he won't stop asking for his beloved
dog food. But they say my father should be shot down the second he leaves the
court room because he did this, but he's gotten this done. Why doesn't he get
any understanding? He's only reacting. My mother died. She told him she hated
him and that she never wanted to see us again and he was informed later that
day that his wife was found dead at a bus stop from an intentional overdose. If
you ask me, she deserves more punishment than him. I know she was my mother and
she's dead, but she was no good and I'm not gonna act like she was. Yeah, I
carry a picture of her around because I love her and Grace could never replace
her. But Grace is a better mother than she was. Grace makes sure me and Brendon
are ok. My mother, father, and I. We had our good days every once in a while,
but she tortured him and I'm not gonna act any longer that just because she's a
dead mother she was a saint, that she was an angel from heaven. I love her, I
do, but it was my father who held me in their room and read books to me while
we acted like we couldn't hear her braking everything we owned in the other
room. And she was sick, I know, I'm sick, too. But he was the one. Then
something went wrong and he did all that he could but he picked up the bottle
and couldn't put it back down no matter hard he tried. And he tried. And now
they're going to do this to him? He's just moving on the only way he was ever
taught. He did his best, but his best wasn't good enough after they reminded
him of themselves."
"Ok. I'll, I guess. You know that what you're doing is illegal, asking me to do
this?"
"It won't be the first thing I've done."
She shrugged desperately with a shaking head. He got her again with his words,
but last time she had the safety of a death threat.
"Are you gonna do it? It was probably illegal to not call CPS as this is
illegal."
"I know. Don't tell anybody you came to me like this, ok?"
"I would never."
____________
"Are you alright, Ryan?" Grace asked. She had just gotten home to find Ryan
hadn't been very firm with Brendon. Currently she was trying to get fruit from
his hands, but he wasn't giving up.
He nodded. "Yeah, I guess."
"Brendon, you're full," she snapped. Finally, he looked down to his stomach and
let go. "Go take a bath or something."
Brendon pouted and marched over to Ryan to sit in his arms.
Grace followed and sat on the ottoman. "What's the matter? Are you nervous for
the trial?"
"Yeah." One of his hands was resting on the top of his stomach.
"The baby thing?" Brendon asked. He was getting nervous, but also excitedly
anxious. He was finally going to find out what was such a problem that Ryan was
thinking about leaving their family. He was sure it was nothing big, just
something to add to the crazy trauma, that was why he was part excited. He was
going to get to fix everything, but he needed to know what needed fixing,
first.
He nodded. "Yeah." He wanted to just run and not even show up. He was sure they
could deal out the punishments without him to beat the dead horse and say they
hurt him in so many different ways. They could come after him and charge him
with murder so long as they didn't show him in front of his family who so far
was loving and caring and respecting a murderer of babies, no less. "And work."
It was best not to think about the trial. Procrastination was what was keeping
him alive. "Like, with my mobility, right now and all."
"But you said they gave you a stool."
"They did."
"Well all you do is checkout, anyway. You aren't allowed to do the other stuff
because of your head and your back, anyway."
"I know, I know. But I'm still getting bigger. I'm gonna have to go on leave.
And I might have to go early if I can't even walk in to sit. Or quit. Or get
fired."
Brendon set his nose to Ryan's frilly scarf. "Everything's gonna be fine,
however it works itself out."
Ryan craned his neck to kiss Brendon's hair. "I miss my mom, too. I thought
about her, today."
"You wanna go see her?"
He did. With how hard he blamed her and said she wasn't a good mother, he was
sorry. He loved her, but he got angry with how everyone was seeing his father.
"I don't know where she's buried."
"Not at all?"
"No." He sighed. Maybe he would get the chance to ask his father since there
was no chance of him ever seeing his real family, again. Not after six years of
being apart. He often wondered how they all were. His grandparents, his aunts
and uncles and cousins, but he would never know if they were missing him, too.
Or if they tuned in to see him being carried bloody and more than half dead to
the ambulance. The trial would be televised, too, but the thought of them all
having died never left him.
_____________
_____________
_____________
Cameras and news reporters blocked Ryan and his party's path up to the grand
courtroom doors. He had to push his way through with a hand covering his face
and his body blocking Brendon in. They asked him questions about the defendants
and his opinion on how they were dealt with, but Rob and the stabbing mostly,
though they all went unanswered.
Brendon kept up with Ryan at the head of their group, but he had to go quickly
to stay with Ryan's long strides using his cane. They were directed to the
front of the courtroom, where they sat in a long row of chairs to accommodate
them all. In front of them was a table where their lawyers sat, and the
defendants' side mirrored them. The bailiff entered and had them stand until
the judge sat. Some lawyer briefly presented the case and Ryan was called up to
the stand. He was almost surprised how quickly things were moving along, but he
wasn't complaining.
Ryan walked Brandy up to the small witness stand as slowly as he could without
getting himself in trouble. He knew he'd be able to see everybody once he was
up there, and he was struggling to calm his nerves.
The first of three cases being presented was that of George Ryan Ross Senior's
attempted murder. Second would be George for child abuse, and third would be
the biggest of Amber, Jack, Melody, Earl, Norma, and Sue for their child abuse
against George, Ryan, and Rob, all wrapped in one. He wished the last would
come first, but only so that everyone would see how much more reasonable the
attack was, than what everyone thought. John and the lawyers promised with
their surplus of evidence resulting from the new law of privacy, recording
reasonably suspicious activity, none of the cases would take very long. They
were guessing two or three days of court, which he was told was very short.
"So, George, what happened the night of the tenth of September?"
"My father tried to kill me?"
"Do you know why?"
Ryan nodded and let Brandy into his lap. He answered to every nudge, like he
always did. It helped him when she demanded to be pet. It made him focus on
her, but now he absolutely had to focus on his accident. "He found out that I'm
in a relationship with another male, sir."
"I understand there was some planning on you and your partner's part that went
on. Explain for us?"
He nodded. He could feel the defendants' glares burning his skin without even
looking up. It was their first word of his relationship. They were all there
and they jostled their chains. "I was told on the Sunday just before that
Monday that there was something wrong with him, my partner, and that I would
need to be with him. I paid a phone bill and his mother called when I asked.
Eight o'clock at night. I was supposed to be out of the house, but I wasn't."
"Why not? And this time, if you would look at us while you speak."
Ryan didn't know what exactly to do. He was trained to never look up at anybody
by the people sitting just there. He couldn't even look at the babies they
kept, so why should he look at a high-class lawyer? But he was telling him to.
Brandy got even more in his lap, showing her head above the counter they were
behind and forcing an arm to rest over her back, nudging his side until he
started scratching her. Maybe if he looked at the ceiling.
"My father had put me in the closet when I got home from school."
"And the closet was something he locked you in when you were bad, until he felt
like taking you out?"
"Yes, sir. Until he was a little more sober than usual, sir."
"Thank you." The man gestured to the other and stepped back.
"Why would you plan to have them call you and tell your father something you
knew would make him angry enough to kill you at a time you could be locked away
and unable to go?" a different voice said. The defense attorney.
"I, I don't know, sir."
"Well you knew your life was in danger when you knew you would have to, to come
out to him. So why didn't you plan on being put in your closet?"
Ryan pushed Brandy down from lapping at his face. At least she wasn't barking,
yet. He didn't want her to be an interruption, to show he was complaining, and
he really didn't want to testify acting like a three year old. "I didn't think
I would get put in the closet, sir."
"You say he abused you regularly, so you surely should have known something
like this could happen. This could have been avoided, had you been more
careful."
Ryan nodded. He didn't even want to tell them. He wanted them to decide on
their own and leave him out of it.
"George?"
"He hadn't locked me in the closet for two months. He cycled through the things
he did to me. Brendon and I didn't think it would just suddenly come back."
"Bad luck?"
"Yes, sir."
"Thank you. Return to your seat."
Ryan hardly listened to anything the babbling lawyers were going on about from
his seat in between Mrs. Bose and Brendon He only checked back in on the debate
to hear that the defense was trying, and doing well at it, to claim temporary
insanity at the time of the crime, put on his father. He had done his homework
on the matter, trying to look up what he would have to say to get his father
found innocent. Temporary insanity was first used in the U.S. in 1859 by a man
named Daniel Sickles. It wasn't often won and it meant that his father could be
sentenced to time in a mental institution instead of jail.
Ryan was so relieved when he was called up to the stand again, to say that his
father had blacked out and gone into a rage at least twice before, he felt like
he might pass out. His father had PTSD, so that could only make it more likely
he was found innocent, plus, the defense already had official paperwork, from
doctors. "It was when I was ten, probably. My mother was still alive and they
had gotten into a very big argument. He pushed me once and he threw a little
cardboard box at her before she could take me to her mothers. We stayed for the
weekend. I can remember a few times before when he's gotten angry, when I was
even younger, and the next day he wouldn't remember anything that happened."
Brendon frowned at Ryan when he was coming back to his seat. Of course he
didn't want Ryan to lie, but it was obvious he didn't want any charges on his
father at all.
The jury was out for deliberation after just a few more words. They had gotten
plenty of evidence from both parties and a lot of examples of others who have
had PTSD and blacked out to do some horrible things. Finally, George's past of
the same as Ryan's was brought up before the jury could go and before they were
all dismissed for lunch.
Grace found Ryan in the front room of the courthouse. "Rob and his new parents
are going to have lunch with us, if that's ok with you."
He nodded, but it wasn't. He didn't want to have lunch with Rob, no matter if
he held him while he cried or not. Rob wasn't right as he and his father
weren't right. It wasn't his fault, but it only made him dangerous. Too
dangerous to say no to. "Why?"
"Because Rob is very excited to see you. I was talking to his mother, her
name's Macy, and she says he just won't stop going on and on about seeing you
again and getting to give you a hug because he misses you. He says he's your
best friend and you're his."
"Oh."
"Are you guys friends?" Brendon asked. Last he heard of Rob, formerly known as
'the stupid fucking thing' in Ryan's stories, he was the oddest one and the one
Ryan took his anger out on, just only in words. Ryan told him how he sometimes
wished he could beat his cousin's face in and strangle him to death, or choke
him with dog food. Sometimes Ryan would say how he felt bad for him, but that
wasn't so often.
"No, not at all. I mean, he beat me every chance he had, just like the rest of
them. I'd say he did it more. And he just watched me all weekend, sitting in
front of my cage and barking at me when I moved. That last weekend I cried and
usually he would discipline me like the rest, but he held me."
"Maybe hitting you and disciplining you for crying was how he was showing you
he liked you," Brendon suggested. He was climbing into the backseat of the car
so the two carpooling teachers could sit in the captains' seats. Ryan couldn't
sit in the back with all the bending and maneuvering he would have to do to get
back there.
Ryan grunted at the suggestion.
"It's probably the only way he knows how. Nobody hugged him or kissed him or
told them they love him. He probably thought they were showing love by beating
him since that's all he ever knew."
He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."
___
"Rob, you're ok," Macy promised. "We're inside and we're just gonna go have a
little lunch."
Rob pried open one eye and was only comforted by white walls surrounding him
enough to open his other eye. "Is Ryan here?"
"Yeah, he's here."
Jeff, Rob's father, took his son's arm before he could start over. "Rob, you
have to remember that like you're scared of the people you used to live with,
Ryan might be scared of you."
"He's not," Rob promised. He swung his left crutch over and impatiently waited
for his slow moving mother to help him with his right. After all the damage his
blood relatives had done to him, not only did he need crutches to get around in
an upright fashion, he would never get to do even that by himself.
Ryan spun at unfamiliar words coming from a familiar voice. It was Rob and he
was speaking English, just as the News had promised him. He, in his own head,
was happy for Rob. Still, he looked down to his feet, obstructed only by his
stomach, and tried to hang onto his cane with his violently shaking hands
sitting behind his back. Brandy was barking like her very life depended on it.
"I'm so sorry," Jeff said before Macy could. "Rob, come on." He worked his
son's right crutch back, but Rob was in complete control of his left. "You're
scaring Ryan, now."
Ryan was only getting worse the longer Rob's parents tried to convince him he
needed to back off.
"No, he's my friend," Rob assured them, but even he was getting nervous. He was
sure what he had practiced for so long would get Ryan to come along. He said,
"How are you, Ryan?"
"Oh, god," Brendon gasped. Ryan's hands couldn't hang onto the cane and his
head couldn't hang onto consciousness. Spencer had caught him and the rush to
bring a chair over forced Rob back if his parents weren't already pulling him.
They apologized to Grace incessantly while she tried to assure them that her
son was fine. Brendon panicked and splashed ice water over Ryan's face,
successfully bringing him back to life after Jon's gentle patting of his cheek
showed no results.
Ryan gasped and grabbed at his neck for the collar, pulling his tight, black
scarf off in his hurry. Still he felt, but only found the soft skin of his
scarred neck.
Brendon tried hugging and kissing Ryan too soon, earning him a hard punch in
the ribs and an apology moments later. "It's ok," he said amidst a wince. Ryan
calmly fixed his scarf and everyone was able to quiet down, giving them the
chance to hear Rob crying and begging his parents to let him stay and eat lunch
with Ryan. Ryan was his best friend, Rob said, and he wanted to see him.
Ryan's head snapped and spun around at the sound of sobbing. Brendon backed up
to watch his eyes lock onto Rob and his lip to wait only a second before it
started to curl. He could see Ryan's throat moving, readying a growl, before
Brendon pulled his head back. It was possible for Ryan to wake up in a
blackout, but they had not yet been proven to be able to come without enlarging
his pupils.
Ryan shook his head out with the small slap he was given. "Sorry," he mumbled.
It seemed just being around Rob could bring back his animalistic instincts that
had been imprinted in him.
"Are you ok?"
Ryan scrubbed his face. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Well, you just passed out," Brendon snapped back. Ryan held a tone with him.
"I was just asking."
He heaved a sigh and returned to Brendon's face. "I'm sorry."
Brendon pulled up his own chair. "Is it ok with you if Rob stays?"
Ryan was hoping that wouldn't be asked and they would just assume he needed the
other one out to continue to function. Now he couldn't say no. "Yeah, of
course."
"Do you wanna say hi to him, again?"
"Yeah, of course."
Rob had to be eased into the low chair with help. He grabbed Ryan's wrist so he
wouldn't try to run away. "Hi, Ryan."
Ryan bent even his back over to stay lower than Rob. In the house, Rob was his
superior, so he had to stay lower than even the one who only crawled. He wasn't
allowed to walk while Rob was in the room. He had to sit down on his bottom and
bend painfully forward so his head touched the flooring, as well.
Rob carefully gave Ryan's wrist to his left hand to he could send his right one
take Ryan's shoulder and sit him up. "I said hello and John taught me that you
don't ignore someone who says hello. You have to say hello back."
"Rob, don't you dare tell him that."
"Hello, sir." He felt like it was his stomach he was choking on that was
mangling his words.
"Hi," he said and bounced in his seat. "You're my best friend."
"Yes, sir." He was sat up, but his head still hung.
"I'm yours?"
"Yes, sir."
"No! Rob!" Rob said. He only let go of Ryan to have his fists near his chest
while he bounced with the squeak. "They gave me name, a name, and it is Rob!
Actually, I have a lot, now. Um, Rob, Robby, and Robert. My middle name is
George, but just George," he said, suddenly serious. He could see the smile on
Ryan's hidden face. "And my last name is Ross. Your last name is Ross and your
first name is Ryan."
Ryan finally relaxed.
Rob leaned forward the best he could and gave Ryan a hug, then a kiss on his
cheek. "What's your middle name?"
"Ryan, sir."
"You're first name is Ryan."
"My first name is George and my middle name is Ryan."
"Oh. What's your name?" Rob asked. He sat up to look up to the one with the
biggest belly.
"I'm Brendon."
"You have worms, too?" he asked. Rob felt along the stomach that had to be
pushed in his face for Brendon to stay near. "You have to take medicine,
Brendon. I used to had worms but not no more."
"I don't have worms," Brendon assured him. "I'm pregnant."
"I don't know what that means, Brendon."
"When somebody's pregnant, they have a little baby in their belly. Right here,"
he said and pat his own. "The baby has to be carried in its mommy before it can
come out."
"Why?"
"Well, we're still making him while he's in here." Brendon backed into Ryan so
the soon-to-be father could wrap an arm around him, under his stomach. There
still hadn't been a single time when Ryan had talked to the baby. He wouldn't
even join in when Brendon was already doing it. And if he ever went to rub a
piece of Brendon mindlessly, if he touched his stomach he apologized and
stopped all together. "You have to make 'em first."
"Ryan, why you making a baby?" Rob asked. He leaned forward to see his old
friend past his new friend.
Ryan sent his eyes up to glare at the back of Brendon's head. "It was an
accident. Brendon's doing this."
"Brendon, don't do that. Ryan doesn't like babies. Whenever Ryan has a baby,
he-."
He hadn't even gotten the chance to tell them, yet. He pulled Rob to him and
pressed his palm to Rob's mouth so he could dip his head down and match their
faces, Rob's upside down with upset eyeglasses and showing his terror. "We
don't talk about that, Rob, do you hear me?"
Rob nodded as quickly as he could. "Yes," he mumbled.
"Don't you fucking bring it up, do you hear me? Not around me, you will not do
that."
"I'm sorry."
Grace finally got over to him past the crowd and had to rip her son's hand off
of the other boy. "What is wrong with you?" she snapped. Grace knew for a fact
that Ryan was at the very bottom at that old house, even though Rob was just
hardly above him. "Huh? He just made you pass out from standing next to you and
now you're gonna attack him?"
Ryan ignored her as he adjusted his tubes and looked to Brendon. "I have to
tell you something."
"Yeah, clearly."
Ryan rolled his eyes and sat back only to have Rob push him very feebly. "That
wasn't nice," he said, but Ryan wasn't quite scared, especially not when Macy
gasped in that motherly way and told Rob that he wasn't being nice, either. Rob
apologized by clinging to him with a hug.
Grace made her way back to sit next to Jon's mother and wipe her eyes. All of
it was very overwhelming. Whatever was wrong with Ryan and his connection with
babies was bad enough to drive him to aggression at a used-to-be aggressive
superior, which had to be horrible. And she had a very strong feeling sitting
in her gut that they would have to walk back into that courtroom to a not
guilty verdict.
Rob sat up and pricked his ears to find faint sniffles.
"Oh, god," Macy sighed into her hands.
Rob found the offender with his eyes and started to growl before he could bark.
Ryan was sitting tall next to him just watching the woman, but he wouldn't make
any noise.
Brendon groaned and hauled himself back out of his seat to go to Grace. "Come
outside with me," he said and led her out to try to help her and explain to
her.
Macy puled Rob's attention away from her and got him to look over the back of
his seat, his arms draped over it. "Rob, I know it's hard, but you have to try
to stop doing that."
Rob hung his head lower in shame, prompting Macy to ruffle his hair and kiss
his nose. "Just try," she said.
"Can I just ask, are you sure you and Rob aren't twins?" Brendon asked upon his
return.
Ryan nodded somewhat surely. "Yeah. Yeah. We can't be because he was like two
when my dad left, my dad says."
"Is your dad Rob's dad?" Brendon asked.
"No. That suggests inbreeding, Brendon. And I don't think Amber would want to
do, you know, with the thing of the time. I mean." He turned to look at his
cousin. "I'm fairly sure Amber wouldn't do that. She really, really hates us."
"That one's Norma?"
Ryan nodded. "Yeah."
Brendon found Ryan's hand to hold. "Rob, look at me."
"I can see you," Rob said. He leaned forward. "I can see what you look like
because I have my glasses on."
"Oh, yeah?" Brendon smiled at him and Rob smiled back to point to his own
teeth.
"Rob's legally blind," Macy explained. "And he has to be very careful with his
glasses because they're super expensive, aren't they, Rob?"
"I' careful," he said.
"Say 'I'm,' sweetheart. You need the 'm'."
"I'm careful. John says I'm blind so he took me to get glasses but I was scared
the whole time but he still got them."
"It doesn't really surprise me," Ryan said, looking back to Rob. "He used to
get, like, crazy hyper some days after he got treats and he would just run and
run right into stuff. One time he knocked the big, grand table right on its
side."
"I think that is when I broke my," he started. Rob looked down at his arm. "My
elbow."
"Oh, you broke it?" Ryan asked. He looked to it and Rob showed it half bent, to
him.
"Can't move it, no more," he said. "When you break your elbow you have to go to
the doctor's or it freezes. But warming it up doesn't fix it, it's not that
kind of freeze."
"Oh, darn," Ryan said with a snap of his fingers. "That's what I was gonna
try."
Rob laughed. "No, Ryan. That' not how it works, Ryan."
"Well, I know that, now."
Rob set his forehead on Ryan's shoulder. "That's silly to try that."
Ryan reached over to rub Rob's arm. Time had been passing since they had
ordered and he was feeling sick for his thoughts and he didn't want to eat
greasy pizza, anyway. He switched from the tubes to the mask.
"You have to eat, Ryan," Grace said. He looked at her, but he didn't answer
her.
"Ryan?" Rob called. "Ryan? Ryan?" Rob turned around to see his mother. "Mom,
why he ignoring me?"
"Rob," Brendon called. He was looking behind Ryan after he told him Rob was
wanting him. "Ryan can't hear anything out of this ear. Nothing at all, so when
you sit on that side, you have to kinda nudge him to get his attention."
"Why?"
"He was near something very loud. And in this ear, he can't hear all that
great, either, so sometimes you have to speak a little louder."
"Ok." He took the clear tube in his fingers, the one coming from Ryan's face,
and he pinched it.
The mask became like a suction cup when he tried to breath in, so Ryan took it
off and looked down the tube. "Are you trying to kill me?"
"What?"
Ryan pulled the box into his lap. "This gives me oxygen, but it has to go
through this tube to get to my mask. When you pinch it like that, I don't get
any. It's helping me breath."
"Sorry."
"That's alright."
"Why you need help breathing?" Rob asked. Ryan helped him to put the mask to
his face, so he could feel it.
"I have emphysema."
"Emphysema?" Jeff asked before Rob could even ask what it was.
"Jeff," Macy said and sighed.
"I know it's not all that uncommon for teens, or at least young adults, to get
symptoms of mild emphysema, but you actually have it?"
Ryan nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I've smoked since I was, oh, like before I was even
twelve. I started in the summer after my mother died."
"And the house fire didn't help you," Brendon added.
"Yeah. Or when Amber decided to go through a phase of mixing bleach and ammonia
and locking me in a closet with it."
Brendon sat feeling stupid when the least people did was widen their eyes and
look Ryan's way.
Ryan looked over and down to Brendon at a tug he got on his hip. He leaned
down, bending his back and causing himself pain just to kiss his cheek and
whisper to him, "The blend makes a very toxic gas."
Brendon gave the most grateful smile he could with a big wet kiss to Ryan's
nose while he had him. "You are just so nice to me."
"When I'm not being a big meanie?"
"Yeah."
"But I love you, my dear. And you look beautiful, today."
"Aww," Brendon sighed. "You were never this nice to me before I got pregnant."
"We were never dating before you got pregnant."
"Excuse me?" Grace was looking back and forth between her boys. "Brendon, you
weren't dating?"
Brendon pulled his lips to the side.
"Brendon," Grace said. "I adopted an entire kid for you. You told me how in
love with him you were and how he was going to be the best father and how you
had been dating for two years. An entire person, Brendon, I bought for you."
"I call you Mom," Ryan snapped. "And now you're regretting it?"
"No, baby," she cut. "I love you and I'm so glad Brendon convinced me, but I'm
just now finding out I adopted a stranger he went and, you know. Once."
"No, Mom, it was more-. Like we sort of were dating for two years."
Her face froze. She knew just what he meant. Not dating, but dating. Her
fourteen year-old had a friend with benefits. And Ryan was no cleaner at
fifteen than he was his last day of living with his father, so now she just
questioned Brendon's taste.
"Mom, I at least had a crush on him."
"You had a crush on him?"
"Aww, I had a crush on you," Ryan said. "I was telling Mrs. Bose how cute you
are."
"You told me you had plans to move away together and adopt children."
"And did you call CPS?" he shot. She sat back.
"Ryan, you don't have to be so mean," Brendon said. "Like, I know you can't
help that none of your family loved you, but you can be really nasty."
"I know." He knit his eyebrows. "I'm sorry."
"You know, usually people have a crush and then start having sex," Spencer
said.
"Spencer, you get the hell out of our business."
Ryan sat quietly while he overlooked the table until the only other one not
eating took his attention, again.
"That's your dog?" Rob asked after a good, hard tug on Ryan's jacket, pulling
him over instead of just letting him know he should turn.
Ryan nodded. "Her name is Brandy."
Rob pulled the leash of his dog over from his other side until the two animals
stood next to each other. "My dog's name is Friday. Brandy tells you when
you're going to have a seizure, too?"
Ryan could easily tell how new to English Rob was with his limited use of
contractions. "No, I don't get seizures."
"You had one, before."
"Oh, yeah. I did. But Brandy tells me when I'm gonna blackout and act a little
funny, and she helps me to not think about what our family did to me."
"She helps you pick things up?"
"Yes, she does that, too. And she can help me with my paranoia and my bipolar
disorder, too, even though that's not exactly what she was trained to do."
"Can I pet Brandy?"
"Yeah, go ahead," he said despite her vest warning people not to touch her. He
figured that was for strangers when he was out walking her, and for their kids
who ignored it, anyway. He let whoever pet her if they asked, mainly because of
how scared he was of them, which made it worse for them to bother her,
actually.
"You have to let, um, dogs smell your hand before you touch them," Rob
explained. He leaned forward, looking down, and felt his glasses slip right off
his nose. "Mom," he said before they could even hit the ground. He was frantic
without them, having grown used to being able to see so well, perfect, to him,
even after he was so used to being nearly completely blind. "Mommy. Friday, my
glasses."
"No, ooh," Macy uttered in her hurry to get to the glasses, first. She hadn't
had Rob long, they were going on three weeks, and he hadn't dropped his
glasses, yet. She picked them up before the dogs, both eager to retrieve, could
find them under the table. "Rob, you hang onto Friday real tight if you ever
drop them and let me know so I can pick them, ok?"
"But Friday picks up what I drop."
"I know he does, sweetheart. But don't you ever notice how when he picks things
up, he leaves teeth marks in them? If he were to pick up your glasses, he might
break them in his mouth and we would have to wait for a little while before we
could get you new ones."
"How long?"
"Oh, just a couple weeks. But I know you don't want to not be able to see for
even a little bit, huh?"
"Yeah." His mother laughed and returned to her seat at his somewhat abrupt end
to their conversation. He was done with her and returned to Brandy.
Ryan watched Rob petting her nicer than any eager kid he'd ever seen. He forced
her, but gently, to sit up on her hind legs like she were begging and face
Friday, the much smaller white dog he could guess was a husky of some sort. He
did the same to Friday and pushed his dog closer so they looked like they were
hugging. "Good puppies," he cooed at them.
"You're just too sweet," Ryan said to Rob. He pet Brandy while she smiled up at
him with her tongue hanging out of her mouth.
Rob clasped his hands together to smile down at them. He saw Friday as his
baby, even if he wasn't really one. "Good job."
__________
Ryan sat taller when the foreman of the jury entered the courtroom holding a
piece of paper. She handed it to the bailiff, who handed it to the judge, who
handed it back after looking at it. She was reading it to make sure they didn't
try to charge him with something more. He tried to tell by the look on her
stern face what it might be while the foreman read all the legal stuff before
the verdict, but she showed no emotion. Finally, the verdict.
Grace put her head down and started crying, Brendon wore an angry glare he
caught anybody who looked at him with, and Ryan smiled gleefully. He could hear
his father grumble that it was bullshit, which only made him respect the man
more. "The court is in recess."
***** Chapter 18 *****
Chapter Notes
     This is right after lunch, so it's actually still the first one.
     Pretty sure I called the last chapter Court Day 1, but I was really
     planning on having it in one piece. Sorry about that.
Ryan was back up to the witness stand after a short break for the defense to
deal with George's verdict with him. Ryan was asked how and when the abuse from
his father had started, now. "My mother died, sir. Um, they, they must have-."
He was making weak gestured to his long row of relatives.
"We're only onto your father, right now."
Ryan nodded. "Yes, sir. But they found out that my mother had died and they
found where we lived. They were the ones who started to abuse me, sir. And
every once in a while, my father would be at the house, with me. It had been a
few years, by then, I was, I think, nearly fifteen, if not, already. They
seemed to have gotten bored, as they often do, so they brought me to the floor
with my father. They demanded that he hit me. And he had gone though what I
had, but worse and for longer. He was scared of them and I think they wanted to
see someone they had already, you know, done damage to hurt who they were
hurting, still. It was my turn. So they made him hit me and he didn't want to.
He wasn't drunk and he wasn't angry at me. He hit me, but not, like, you know.
He didn't really hit me, he kind of just touched me, trying to satisfy them.
Then they threatened that they would shoot us all. They said if he didn't do
what they said, they would kill me and Rob and my father. So he hit me, he
really hit me. They sort of rewarded him with a drink and when we got home he
kept drinking and he kept hitting me. After that day, it all went downhill."
Pictures of Ryan's home were brought up for all to see. Trash covering the
floor with rats and flies in the shot. The picture slid over to show his
bedroom, then the bathroom. "You mean this mess accumulated over two years, not
six?"
Ryan nodded. "It wasn't an immaculate house before that, but yeah. Absolutely
no cleaning for two years."
"Teams dug through two whole feet of garbage and bodily waste to find the floor
in most rooms." Ryan didn't respond except for more head nodding.
Ryan looked to the other attorney, passing up the chance to cross-examine him.
His father was called up, next.
"George?"
George set his head up, trying to obey as best he could.
"George, how about you tell us how it started."
"Yes, sir. My." He swallowed heavily and he could feel himself starting to
shake visibly, his chest was pounding. He was embarrassed of what he'd done,
his looks, and how he was coming off and behaving. "My lovely family, God bless
them, they came to my, my, son and me's home after my wife died, sir. My, my,
beautiful sister Amber, she asked us to come along in her car, back to my old
home, sir."
"Why did you go?" Every time the man complimented them, he looked ready to
vomit all his stomach's contents. It was sickening him. "If you were so scared
of them and you didn't want them to harm Ryan?"
"Well, it was exactly that, sir."
"I'm sorry?"
"I was scared of her and I didn't want them to harm Ryan, sir," he said,
speaking so low he was nearly whispering with his entire family sitting just
near.
"How did they find your house in the first place?"
George heaved another heavy breath. "In two thousand and three, there was a new
website my wife had heard about. It was called MySpace, if you know it. She was
excited, saying she was going to get to talk to her friends and listen to music
and all that. Well, it was August, and Ryan was seven, it was around his
birthday. So ten years ago, I think. She asked me to, um, I think I created an
account on the machine. I only made one because she asked me to and I didn't go
on it but for maybe a month, later. I used it because she was upset that I
wasn't using it as she wanted me to. I had a little note from, well, I believe
it was my lovely sister Melody who tried to talk to me. Ryan helped me read it.
He told me it said that my father had passed away and that over there,
everybody else was well and good. She said she was so happy he was gone and
that he was crazy and had forced them to do what he did to me. I know he did at
first, but she said it was that way the whole time. She said she was sorry for
what had happened and that they wanted to see me again and see my son and my
wife. I knew Christmas was coming along, so I told them they could come to see
us then because I knew they all enjoyed it so much. She told me she wished I
could have been upstairs with them enjoying it, too. So Ryan helped me tell her
where we lived." His eyes were filling with tears. He made one tragic mistake
that had ruined his son's life for good. "And they all came, all of them but my
father I still believed at the time was dead. They brought Ryan gifts to open
and they were very sweet to him. They even convinced Danielle to let him have
just one of them early. They were all good gifts, he loved them and I remember
one was his favorite until the house fell apart. They gave me hugs and Danielle
and Ryan hugs and all was well. We said goodbye and they didn't speak to me
again. I didn't use that Space website ever again because Danielle didn't think
they were being nice and she didn't think I should have had them over at all. A
few years later and I found out that they were lying the whole time."
"So you went with them, and?"
"I was surprised to see my father alive and well, sir. They treated me fine,
though I was shying, sir. Rob was there and he was sickly. They teased Ryan.
They made- they asked me to drink with them and I did, sir. I stopped on the
way back home and I got more alcohol, sir. I like what it did to me there. And
I had heard from the television set that it can make a person feel better, sir.
I am an uneducated person, I know. But I thought if I drank it would help me to
not leave my son an orphan."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I know that I could not bear the grief of what had happened to Danielle, sir.
I had her mother to give him to when I did not think I could go on, sir. I
thought this would be better, drinking, sir. And I like what it did, I just
wanted more and more but it was Ryan who taught me that too much at once might
kill me, sir. But I drank and I drank. As soon as I was drunk, and he was back
from school, he tried to sit with me as he always did, as he had been doing
since we lost his mother, sir. I got angry at him, sir."
"Why?"
George sighed and shook his slowly hanging head. "I must say it was because he
is his mother's, sir. I was angry with her and she was angry enough with me to
kill herself, sir. I was mad that she would do that and he was resembling her.
I took my anger out on him, sir."
"Was that the first time you had gotten drunk?"
"No, sir."
"When were you, before?"
"I believe I got drunk living with my, with my wonderful parents, sir. Liquor
was easier to find and steal than water was, sir."
"Did you get angry then?"
"No, sir."
"Do you see this picture?" the lawyer asked. He gestured to another shown for
the room. "This was taken after you nearly murdered your son for being gay. He
was trying to dig his way out. Because he's gay?"
"I don't think-. I'm sorry, sir." he hung his head for speaking out of line.
"Go on."
"I just was. I don't think, sir, that I did it for that reason sir. I don't
remember the accident, none of it, but I don't think I would do that, sir. I
know they horribly hate gay people, but I do now. I just want for him to know
that I have no problem with how he wants to be. I think I just got angry and it
happned to be that was the night he told me. I want for him to know I'm sorry."
"You don't think that when the phone told you your son was gay you threw it so
hard you broke it and you almost killed him because of what you learned?"
He was regretting speaking up, but he wasn't sure he would have another chance
for Ryan to hear it, even if he couldn't tell Ryan directly. "No. I don't know
how he become to be gay. I now believe that it was from when Danielle, she
invited her coworker and his boyfriend over. They touched him a lot and they
were playing with him when he was still very young. I think maybe that is what
did it, but I'm not angry at them or him or his partner. I just want him to
know that-." He sighed. "That no matter what, I'm proud of him for getting
through all that I did to him and I'm sorry I reacted to that. Whether his
gayness was the reason while I was drunk, or not."
"Do you feel remorseful? Any at all?"
George looked down to his lap. The man sounded angry.
"George? Do you? George, answer me. Do you feel remorse? It seems to me that
you just don't want to be known as a homophobic."
"I don't know what 'remorse' or 'homophobic' means, sir. I'm sorry, sir. I'm
very sorry."
The defense walked up and went on with a nod from the other. "Do you see this?"
he asked the room. "This man doesn't know what the word remorse means. Do you
know why? Because he was pulled out of school in the fifth grade to be
'homeschooled.' Really, his mother wanted to be able to abuse him fulltime. He
just told us he was uneducated and only started drinking for the benefit of his
son, not knowing what harm it would do. He didn't want to leave his very only,
first son an orphan. So why should he be punished so harshly for doing his
best. Yes, it was a mistake. But it is extremely difficult to overcome
addiction. He was abused since he was just a very small boy until he could get
out. At sixteen, seventeen, eighteen? He doesn't know. He doesn't know how old
he is right now, sitting here. Because he never got birthdays, not even the
mention so he would know. He sat in a small dog cage in a cold basement while
his bother and sisters enjoyed their loving parents and a social life and food.
He couldn't have done better for poor Ryan. They've left him traumatized like
the others and he was trying to cope. Alcohol brought back that hatred for his
family and the betrayal he felt when his wife got angry and killed herself.
George, could you tell us what your evaluation diagnosed you with?"
"PTSD and BPD."
"We all know BPD is caused from trauma and abuse in early childhood. And PTSD,
of course he has that. He doesn't remember attacking Ryan that night and while
we went over the facts together, that was the first time he found out about his
son's sexuality. He doesn't remember what set him off and he doesn't remember
doing any of it. As I'm sure with much of the daily abuse he put Ryan through.
George Ryan Ross Senior should not be punished for what those people did to
him. Because ultimately, it was them getting to harm Ryan through his father.
They are manipulators and they are the ones who lit this fire, just allowing to
grow and grow."
Ryan couldn't have said it better, himself. Brendon nudged him, surly able to
feel the satisfaction rolling off his skin.
George made his way back to the seat.
"Can I have you up here?" one asked, pointing to the short woman. "Mrs.
Christine Bose?"
"How old did Ryan claim he was when he told you his plight?"
She looked down for a moment but played off the moment of feeling unsure as a
flip of her hair to get it from her eyes. "He told me he was fourteen or
fifteen."
"Which one?"
"Neither. He said to me 'I was fourteen or fifteen when he first hit me' and
that was all."
"Thank you. Can I have Mrs. Michelle Lustig?"
"He." She sighed. "He said to me it started when he was eleven. I He didn't go
into as much detail with me as he did with Mrs. Bose, here, but he said, quote
'from eleven and not wanting to lose him, too, to seventeen and being the only
one to take care of him,' unquote. I had been threatening to call the CPS, so I
don't know if he meant that at eleven he thought reporting his extended family
would get him taken away and now he has to stay, or if that meant his father
was abusive right off the bat."
"Thank you."
Ryan smiled at her returning, having done exactly what he asked her to do, and
then sat for more pictures shown and more facts about borderline personality
disorder and posttraumatic stress disorder.
"Closing statements?" The judge turned her head to the plaintiff's side, first.
The lawyer stood and faced the jury. "You've seen the pictures. Seen what
disgust Ryan lived through. Just a child. Whether he was fifteen or eleven, it
happened to the poor boy. He has mental health issues and physical, medical
problems, now that will never go away, only get worse. It was avoidable, one
hundred percent."
The defensive attorney stood. "You see those two poor boys and you think how
horribly their lives twisted. This man's life twisted, as well. He knew no
better because he was removed from school to be locked up or beat, or both. His
family lied to him and manipulated him to get his address so they would have it
for a later date, to kidnap him and his son. He went through the same pain and
as uneducated man with BPD and PTSD, I personally could not blame him for what
he did, not so much as they are trying to punish him with."
Ryan grew tired after sitting for four hours, their deliberation. When the jury
finally returned, his head was on Brendon's with Brendon's on his shoulder. His
eyes were falling with the night, but the delivery of a hung jury woke them
both up. It was not the best result, but it was better than a guilty verdict.
And it was time for one more normal night before he might just have to go on
the run.
______________
Brendon crawled into bed behind Ryan, who made sure they slept together that
night, saying it may have to be their last together.
***** Day of Court 2 *****
"I don't even understand how we got a hung jury," Brendon grumbled. "I mean,
whether he was fifteen or eleven, it still happened, so they have to say guilty
there. And whether he was hurt, too, he still did it. Why would any of them say
not guilty?" he asked.
"Yeah, I know. Dumb jury. But now we have to wait and see if they state will
try again. I would assume so."
__________
Brendon's head rest on Ryan's shoulder while they waited for the next case to
begin. He was thinking he should do something romantic when the case was over
to show Ryan he still loved him, no matter what these people did to him to make
him have a fear of infants. But then he wanted to know what Ryan did, first. It
was worrying that now he wasn't thinking their love was so unconditional. What
if Ryan had a thing for babies? Then maybe Brendon could push him to a
therapist, but he would need that to be cleared up before the baby was
delivered or he wouldn't be able to trust Ryan around him, if he could ever.
What if Ryan was getting kicks just off Brendon being pregnant? Then Brendon
wouldn't put up too much of a fight to get him to stay. But then again, it
could be harmless.
"I am going to call George Ross Senior, first, please."
"You were the first to be abused of you three?" the lawyer asked, now working
for this man.
"Yes, sir."
"So how did it start? Were you just born into an abusive family? Please, we'd
like to know."
George nodded. "I'm the second youngest. I was five when my father returned
home from fighting in the war. I didn't know I had a father until that, my
mother had been taking care of us all and she did a lovely job, really. We went
to school and Earl stayed with her sister while she worked. Then my father came
home and he stayed home to watch my brother there. He was very excited to see
us all and meet Earl and I for the first time. He convinced my mother to allow
us to play hooky so we could stay and play games with him, a few times. It was
great for a little while, but then he started to drink. He got into a lot of
fights with my mother, mostly about Earl. I don't think we share a father and I
don't think he liked that. But still, they fought. And it was no fun sitting up
with your brother and sisters to make sure your father didn't try to put his
hands on your mother. I would say I used to be the boldest of us all. And one
day, in the kitchen, he picked up a knife with her in the corner. Thinking
back, I don't really think he would have done anything but waved it at her.
Still, I ran up and I started tugging on his trousers, trying to pull him
back." George laughed as he spoke. "Just a tiny five year old trying to get a
man like him back. Well, he spun around and lifted me up by the back of my
shirt. He was drunk and he asked me just what I was doing. Oh, I barked at him
I told him to leave my mother alone and he dropped me, right down to the ground
from his six-foot height. He put the knife down and we all went to bed. The
next day, my parents and siblings all had breakfast around the table, a special
one with, you know, they had pancakes and eggs and that was special. I was
excited. But, when I went to join, my father told me I wasn't allowed to eat
after what I had done. He made me watch them and then he sent me to scrub the
walls. Our midday meal came and still, I watched and then I cleaned instead.
Then supper, I watched then I cleaned. The day after, I wasn't allowed to play.
Soon, our dog died and we were all very upset. He thought it would be good for
me to sit in its cage. I was very upset sitting in there and I was crying over
the dog, he was the only one who didn't mind me after what I did to my father.
The more I cried, the longer I sat. At first, they didn't like it and my mother
was very upset with him, threatening to take us. But by the next year they all
were ok with what he was doing to me. Then Amber started to decide she wanted
to make me clean her room or take her turn to wash the dishes. They all
followed, after her."
"And it just got worse and worse?"
"Yes, sir."
"They pulled you from school?"
"Yes, sir. I didn't attend the fifth grade. She made the excuse of wanting to
homeschool me, instead, but I was never schooled. Danielle told me how there's
a test, nowadays. Even for the homeschools. I'm not sure if they existed all
way back then, but if they did, my mother avoided them well. I was never
tested."
"And how old are you?"
"I could guess near fifty. I have no real idea, sir."
"You're thirty-five."
George's head pulled back and his eyebrows lifted. "I thought it had been much
longer, sir. I'm very sorry, sir."
"Your birthday is November third, 1979."
George inclined his head. "Thank you, sir."
"There are common things between the three of you. You all sat in a dog cage."
"Yes, sir. The same one, sir."
"And Rob and Ryan were both sexually abused by Norma. Were you?"
"Not by Norma, sir. But yes, sir. I was raped six times."
"By who?"
"My sister, Amber, sir."
"And?"
"Well, Rob and his sister came about, after. I think I have reason to believe
he is my first son, not Ryan, but I'm not sure, sir. I know it takes nine
months, Danielle talked about the process a lot while she was having Ryan. I
couldn't tell time sitting in the basement, however."
"Well, what do you mean his sister?"
"He was a twin. His sister, she died on her own. I was not involved. I think
Amber wanted to keep them both, she decided it was time for her to have
children, not just keep disposing them, but the girl could not breath on her
own and her face was badly deformed. Rob, as baby, he was having a little
trouble, too, but he looked like all the other babies. He wouldn't eat for a
little while and he was having seizures left and right, but she never took him
a doctor. He made it on his own to be a kid and now he's here, still."
"Could he ever walk?"
"Well, he crawled. As a baby, he never moved from crawling to walking. But he
didn't drag his legs, he used them, though I could see his left leg always
tried to follow his right, so he more scooted than crawled. I think being
locked for years had worsened his problem, not crated it."
"Could he speak when he was young?"
"He didn't talk much. He drooled a lot," he said and smiled. "And he laughed
and he played and he loved taking me and climbing over me like a toy, but he
didn't talk much, sir. When he cried, he cried for me, not for Amber. He could
ask for food and he always had water, anyway. There wasn't much for him to talk
about. He didn't have friends, he'd never even been outside and he couldn't
see."
"And you don't happen to know how old you were when he was born, do you? We
could only guess his age and Amber won't tell us," he said and laughed.
"I really have no idea, sir. Younger, though, sir. He was born in a colder
month, I believe because I remember being cold with the heat running upstairs
with the baby's mouth."
"How did it go from you to him?"
"Well, he was the only child. I mean, Earl was still young, but they liked
Earl. I ran away the first chance I had and I had my family and we did fine
until Danielle's death. We returned and Rob was looking half dead. But I must
say, sir, Rob's name was never Rob. They named him George Ryan Ross and they
called him the second. My name was taken away. When I had Ryan, I gave him my
name even though it was no longer really mine. I could only guess they told,
um. I think Amber told somebody coming to check on him that his name was Rob. I
could guess she chose Rob because it sounds like Dog. When I left, they had no
one to abuse but him, because nobody much liked him when he was a baby,
anyway."
"How did you get these scars here?" he asked. "Those three, there. Care to tell
us?"
"I got this one for looking at Amber while she was, while we were in an act."
"She was raping you?"
"At the time, yes, sir. I looked at her, just by mistake, sir," he added
quickly. "And she was on top of me, she saw my eyes and she swung at me and
continued."
"That one on your cheek?"
"I looked at my mother. I wasn't supposed to show them my face and I did so she
pulled me out and she punished me for it."
"And you've got a hole from your mouth to the corner of your jaw?"
"My father got bored, I believe, sir," he said. "I was in my cage and he wanted
to watch the television set, but nothing was satisfying him. He called me over
to him and he, he took his razor and tapped it and picked away. He let me sit
in his lap and he let me hug him."
"Did you enjoy that?"
"I did, sir. After I got in trouble with him that very first time, neither him
or my mother were very affectionate with me as they were with the other
children. I was jealous as I was always the more, um, affectionate one to begin
with and then they just gave it all to them. So I was very happy while he did
this to me."
George looked to the defense, but he was asked no questions so he returned to
his seat so Robert could take the witness stand.
Rob worked his way slowly up to the stand. John got to sit with him while he
was questioned, partly because he had to help him walk up to the stand. "John,
I don't want to talk to them," he said quietly.
"I know you don't, but you have to. They're gonna ask you questions and you're
gonna answer them and then we get to go back. It won't be bad, I promise."
Rob sat down and hung his head.
"Could you look at me and tell me your name, bud?"
Rob pinned back his ears and tucked in his chin until John nudged him to look
up. "It's Robert George Ross."
"Well, hello, Robert. It's nice to meet you."
"It's nice to you, too."
"Do you remember how it started? They weren't mean to you when you were just a
little baby, right? But then you, um, your uncle left and they started to hurt
you?"
"I don't remember George before he came with Ryan. I just remember always being
in my cage, not being put in."
"And what happened while you were in there? Did they give you food and water
and how often did they let you out?"
"They gave me dog food and they sprayed water on me with a hose and I was
allowed to drink it in the air but I wasn't allowed to lick the cage but I did
and I got in trouble every time. I came out one time when one of them gave me a
tub and she played with my penis and she kissed me and she put me back and then
a long time later I came out when Ryan came."
"Did you go back into the cage after Ryan left?"
Rob nodded. "Yes, I did. He left and they cleaned out the cage and they put me
in and then they gave me a bath and they cut off my hair and they gave me
clothes and put me downstairs while Ryan was there."
"And that was pretty scary? Being downstairs with them after being by yourself
for so long? Your were by yourself in your cage, weren't you?"
Rob shook his head. "No. There were dogs who lived in the room, not in the cage
with me. There was more than one, um, but not five. They were my friends and
they let me touch their fur when they came up to the cage and they licked my
fingers, especially while they bled. And sometimes I usually had a baby in the
cage, so I wasn't alone. But the room was always dark and I couldn't see so
when they put me downstairs I could see a lot more colors and sounds and I was
scared."
"Can we talk about your fingers?"
Rob offered his hands with his fingers spread. He was missing three tips of the
fingers, including his entirely missing left, middle finger.
"Rob, tell him what happened."
Rob took one hand back to press to his cheek in his worry. "I'm not allowed to
cry but sometimes I do and I try really hard, I promise I do. But sometimes I
cry and then I can't stop and when I cry they find me and they take away parts
of my fingers and I tell them I'm sorry but I still crying and I can't help
it."
John set his hand on Rob's back to hold.
"But it's ok, now, right? You did good and now it's over." The lawyer looked to
John. "What health was he in when you picked him up? How was it?"
"Horrible health. We got him and he was very scared, you know. It was the first
time he had ever left the house. At the doctors he acted like an animal and
continued to act like that for almost three weeks in the Children's home. He
had a gash on his lower back and both of hips looked to be rotting, along with
his inner thighs. He was never potty trained, you know, so the urine was
burning him. He had six teeth, all molars in the very back. He was blind. He
had a fever of one hundred and three and the doctor gave us two weeks with him.
We gave him breast milk and a little medication every day to numb his pain, and
he actually pulled through. Clearly. After one caregiver walked in on him
sleeping, which is unusual, we thought he had died but he was just sleeping in.
We got a ninety-eight temperature and he came around, he let us talk to him.
Before he started getting better he was in diaper, we weren't going to teach
him to use the bathroom and we weren't going to get him teeth or see if glasses
would help. Because, you know, we just wanted him to finally have a gentle
time, you know."
Ryan was too busy wondering if they would ask about the patchy wall in Rob's
room, next, to worry about Rob's plight. About the SIDS of the twins and then
show Brendon the video of him killing a baby with a hammer and then continue to
hit it over and over again. He only wouldn't stop because he wanted to make
sure the baby was dead, not in pain, but that was not how it looked.
"George Ross Junior, up here, please."
Ryan looked to Brendon. "I swear to god, I didn't want to do it," he said with
the feeling like a rock in his gut that the death of all the babies would be
up, next.
"How was your treatment? Like to Rob's or George's?"
"Well, I went every weekend and since it was always a short visit, I often
cleaned and cooked and sat in the cage while I was not being used. They had me
over every break. Summer, winter, and spring. Then I would be put in the cage
and they would add a padlock to the sliding bolts. I was given dog food every
once in a while and I had to eat it or I got in trouble. A bucket of water was
poured over my head and I was allowed to get it from the base of the crate."
"Were you ever given babies in your cage?"
"No, sir."
"Were there dogs?"
"There was a dog, but he knew to bite me whenever I was around. He was mainly
an outside dog, I would say."
"Were you kept in the dark? Allowed to go out to use the bathroom?"
"I was not kept in the dark and I wasn't allowed to use the bathroom at all
over weekends. Over breaks, I was allowed to go in the crate."
"Was it cleaned up?"
"I cleaned up the accumulation at the end. I never missed school because of
them. Sue told me missing school was always the first sign."
"How often were you whipped and tasered?"
"I was whipped usually twice a weekend, once a day, but not always. I've been a
tasered a total of five times over the six years. Twice at a time once when I
was twelve and twice at a time once when I was fourteen. Then once the very
last weekend."
"Could I ask you how often Robert was fed?"
"As far as I know, once a day and he got to choose when."
"And you?"
"Not on weekends. Maybe once over Summer break and not over Winter or Spring
breaks, unless one of the small children decided they wanted to play Dogs and
they might feed me dog food or treats."
"Water?"
"He always had it in his bowl and I was not allowed over weekends. Weekly over
Summer breaks and once each Winter and Spring break."
"And with the way you were to use the bathroom over break and the way you got
water, was it contaminated?"
"Always. They made sure of it, or else I wasn't allowed to have it."
"And that must have been humiliating?"
"Extremely, sir."
"How often did Norma sexually abuse you?"
"She cornered me once over the last weekend I spent with them and tried to
touch me and she said dirty things to me. After that, she offered to be the one
to drive me home and she took me to the trunk in an empty parking lot. She
closed the trunk and sat on my pelvis and I tried to push her off, but she had
knocked me out. I woke up, in the trunk with my pants removed and we were still
on our way back to my house. I don't know what she did to me, sir."
"You were missing quite a few teeth, as well, huh?"
"Yes, sir."
"How did you lose them?"
"Sometimes I was just hit hard enough to knock them out. Some of them rotted as
I was a heavy smoker and didn't take care of them well, otherwise. But mostly,
I got them pulled by Amber."
"And why would she pull them?"
"When I cried, sir."
"Explain."
He sighed. He could feel the plier gripping his sensitive teeth and ripping the
roots from his gone. It made his dentures tingle. "Well, as Rob lost parts of
his fingers, I lost my teeth. I did my best to hold it in, but sometimes it was
the pain that drew it out of me and sometimes I just couldn't take it anymore.
I tried to hide it, but they always knew."
"Did you cry often?"
"Eight times."
"How did they react?" he asked. "Did they just jump on you?"
"Norma and Jack, if I ever cried in the middle of a beating, they got angry and
kept with it. They went harder and longer, past the point I might be knocked
out. The rest, they acted oddly. If they saw you cry, they stood and they
watched. I remember one time Amber watched me cry myself all the way to sleep.
They could wait hours to take me out and pull a tooth, but they always did.
Even when Norma and Jack had dealt with me their own way."
Ryan looked to the defense.
"Why didn't you run? Like your father?"
"Over breaks, there was a padlock on the crate. Another reason being they
promised me they had alarms on every window and door and that if I tripped it,
they would find me for an alarm ring through the house the moment it happened."
"Why did you drink the water?"
"Sometimes because I felt I needed to, for myself, whether it was dirty or not.
Sometimes they threatened to kill me if I didn't drink it."
"Thank you. I would like to call Amber Ross to the stand."
Ryan sat down and hung his head in her presence, she was just in front of him
to be at the stand. He knew Robert and his father were doing the same just
behind him.
Brendon was surprised Amber looked how she did. He hated to say, but she was
extremely attractive, especially for her age that had to be in the forties
after George of thirty-five. She didn't look like Ryan or George, she just
looked womanly with long, healthy-looking hair and an ample chest under her
orange. Did they think the jury would go easy on a pretty woman? He could tell
she was going for them to feel bad for her, looking like she could cry.
"Why would you do this?" the defense asked.
Amber sighed and gave a flip of her false-blonde hair. She lifted skinny
fingers with tiny wrists in chain to wipe away a tear. "When we were young and
my father came home from the war, he put fear in us all. It took us a year, you
heard my beloved brother, for us to pretend we were ok with what he was doing,
and after that it was still hard. My father only died three years ago. And-."
She stopped, crying too hard to speak, yet not sobbing or coming off
hysterical. "I'm so sorry, uh, sir. I can't. I just-." She stopped and let out
a helpless groan. "I just hate my father and all that he has done. I hate that
I have to call him my father, but he is. He came back home and I only wish he
had died in war so I could have remembered him as a hero who sacrificed himself
for this great country. And George could remember him that way, too. But now my
whole family is traumatized from all that he has done to us. And poor Earl, he
felt so guilty for not being my father's, as well. And George, he stuck up for
us all and I am so grateful to him for that. He was the only one of us who
could do that when my father had a great big kitchen knife on my mother. He was
brave, but my father was crazy and this happened."
Amber turned to the plaintiff.
"Why, if he died three years ago, were Ryan and Rob and possibly George, still,
being treated the same way?"
"He locked us all in his ways," she said after a moment's hesitation. "I think
we all just didn't know how to handle the loss of the abusive patriarch. He
damaged us all and that was all we knew."
The lawyer gestured to the three dunked heads. "Just one tiny woman locked in
chains up here. No way she could escape them, they know that. She isn't even
near them. They were trained not to show their eyes because they are at a lower
social status than her. Rob was allowed to look at Ryan. George was the highest
and he was allowed to look at his son and, well, his nephew, for now. Ryan was
the lowest, he wasn't allowed to look at either of them and none of the adults.
He, being the lowest of the three, wasn't allowed to look at the children. But
neither was George or Rob. They both were lower than their small children,
their babies. Thank you, that's all I have."
"Court is in recess."
____________
Ryan held Brendon's hands, looking down on the younger while they waited for
tables to be set up, not allowed to help. "My back hurts especially bad,
today."
"Excuse me?" Brendon snapped. He was expecting a little more than a complaint.
Maybe a confession?
"What? It does. And I can't take those pain killers. Not that I really want to.
I'm gonna see if I can stop getting those prescribed because I think it's just
a little too much, right now. I took one once and it was a great, but I don't
like that I thought it was great. I don't want to get addicted to anything
else. I'm sure Tylenol will do it until it gets so bad I need a prescription."
"What is wrong with you?" Brendon said, feeling he could spit.
"I'm gonna go use the bathroom," Ryan mumbled, more to himself. He had no idea
why Brendon was freaking. Maybe he was sick of the complaining. He was doing it
more often, lately.
"What's up with you?" Grace asked. She couldn't find a good reason for Brendon
to be so angry. She sat across from him and waited for an answer for after he
sat. "Huh? You're being nasty."
"He's crazy," Brendon said, leaning forward over the anger. "I swear, Mom. He's
insane. Like three days ago he's got me sobbing in the kitchen at his feet
while he holds a knife to his neck."
"Brendon, be quiet." She looked around. "You don't tell people his business."
Brendon didn't care that there were teachers there, he wanted validation. He
turned to his friends. "He does that and now he's fine."
"Isn't be bipolar? Cut him some slack."
"No, that's weird."
Brendon got the answer he wanted and spun back to his mother.
"Why are you really angry with him?"
"Because," he pouted with crossed arms and tearing eyes. "Before he went up,
today, he looked to me and said he said he swears to god he didn't want to do
it. And he comes and sits back down like he didn't say anything. And I freaking
know it had to do with his freaky baby thing. And he just won't tell me."
"Well, I'm sure it's hard for him to talk about or he would."
"I don't care if it could kill him. Right now I'm pregnant with my child and
sleeping in the same bed and right now I don't know if he's in danger. He
doesn't just get to not tell me something that is apparently so big. What if he
wants to hurt one? Huh? He almost fucking stabbed himself why wouldn't he kill
his kid? And Mom, you're right when you say you love your children with all
your heart. Like, I believe you. I never knew I could feel this way about
people and I do," he said, holding his chest. His voice got high and he could
hear Spencer rolling his eyes. "And he could be in danger and I don't know what
to do. We haven't been dating for two years, we've been trading hand jobs for
two years and now I don't trust him but we're supposed to be this perfect
family."
Ryan limped his way back to Brendon. "What's the matter?" he asked when he was
sitting. Brendon didn't even help him, that time, to sit, and he had tears
running down his cheeks. Ryan offered his thumb to take them away, but Brendon
dodged him. "What?"
"I don't care if your back hurts," Brendon snapped.
"Ok," Ryan said in a mocking way back.
"And I don't care if your feet hurt, mine do, too. And I don't care if your
stupid dentures are fucking falling out because you know you need to use more
paste than that and I'm tired of fucking telling you that."
"Got it."
"And I don't care if you don't like your cane because you're just being a
bitch."
"You're being a bitch."
Brendon couldn't quite hold his mouth closed. He turned to Ryan and smacked him
on his leg under the table. "How dare you fucking call me that."
"You just called me a bitch."
"I'm pregnant."
"I don't care."
"Oh, so you can acknowledge it, now?"
"Guess so."
"Whatever," he sighed and found the corner of his chair furthest from Ryan.
"You're literally just an asshole and I hope you choke on your false fucking
teeth and die."
Ryan took it and nodded. "Can I ask why? Why you are putting on such a show in
front of all these people we don't know?"
"Do you have a sexual attraction to babies?" Brendon blurted.
"No," Ryan said quickly, just after the moment he needed to make sure he heard
correctly. "Brendon, what the fuck? You're fucking disgusting, man."
His response was at least genuine enough to be relieving, but he still wouldn't
trust anything for sure until the trial revealed itself to him. "Are you sure?"
"What the fuck do you mean am I sure? Yes, I'm sure, you pig. Brendon, you
fucking disgusting piece of shit. I hope you choke on your dentures."
Brendon smiled. "I don't have dentures." This told him it was just something
benign.
"Brendon, don't laugh. This isn't funny."
"Well, I'm not attracted to them, either! I just was asking."
Ryan shook his head, completely put off.
Brendon thought of the other worst thing. "Do you like, kill babies?" he asked
within a laugh. He only had to ask to be sure, but he knew the answer.
Ryan turned to Rob slowly enough to be causal. He touched his nose nervously
and pretended he couldn't hear.
His wide eyes found his mother, who only looked to be taking it oddly. "Ryan, I
am fucking on your good fucking side you piece of shit answer me! Ryan!"
Rob pulled himself forward and wrapped his arms around Ryan. "Ryan, yesterday I
growled at your mom for crying but my mom told me I don't have to anymore and I
love you."
Ryan returned the hug and made sure Rob kept it, at least while Brendon stormed
out. He cried so hard he thought Amber might come to him and pull out his
teeth. He stopped, maybe too suddenly, and shook his shoulders off to get up
and follow Brendon out.
Brendon found a corner of the building to slide down. He wished they could be
on separate planets.
Ryan dropped to knees in front of Brendon and leaned down to rest on him,
forcing an intimate embrace. "This is why I didn't want to tell you."
Brendon amplified his struggles and knocked Ryan back to sit on his own. "Oh,
you didn't want to tell me because you knew I would get a little upset that you
enjoy killing babies?"
"Brendon, I don't fucking enjoy it."
"You don't? But you do it."
"No, no, I didn't. I didn't enjoy it. Dear."
"Don't fucking call me that."
"They're crazy in that house. Did you know they were gonna kill Rob? As soon as
the CPS cleared up, they were gonna kill him because he wasn't on any records
and he was costing them money. They were gonna have me kill him. Amber, she has
babies left and right but she only has three kids. I did it, Rob did it, my
father did it. Remember when Rob said he usually had babies with him in the
crate? That's because they give him babies and he sits in there with them until
they die. And, me?"
Brendon was losing trust in his story. He knew what a con Ryan was, trained by
sociopaths, or near it. Maybe Ryan was one, too. Especially when he started
asking himself questions to answer, Brendon knew he was putting up a show for
convincing. It was a common pattern.
"They stick a gun to my head and they tell me if I don't do it, we both die.
And I panic, Brendon, I do."
Brendon shook his head. Ryan was a great actor, so it was hard to tell if he
was using his talent. "I fucking hate you and I wish I had never met you."
Ryan pulled himself to stand and watch Brendon storm back into the restaurant.
Ryan watched him get back inside and decided he should take off. To go no where
but the court, so he could be there to prove to Brendon and the others that he
wasn't sick. Now he prayed they played the video, the whole thing. "Are you up
for a walk, dearest?" he asked Brandy as they started off. "No lunch again, I
guess. I'm just lucky I have you because I don't think you care. Are you the
only one? Will you run from home with me if I promise I can keep buying
kibble?"
Brendon sunk into his chair.
"Did he hit you?" Grace asked.
"No."
"Where is he?"
"I don't know."
Ryan spent his lunch break walking and made it on foot in the time they ate and
drove. He beat them, waiting on a bench in the front room until their case
would be heard, again.
Brendon found Ryan petting Brandy jumped up into his lap and slapped Ryan's
face so hard he knocked him to the side.
Ryan shook it off, never once acknowledging Brendon, staying focused on Brandy.
He pulled her up again and let her rest her head on his shoulder. "Oh, my baby.
You love me, don't you?"
_______________
Ryan walked in by himself with his family around him. He pretended he couldn't
see the table laden with dusty shoe boxes and torn, large shopping bags, but
Brandy was barking and he was stumbling.
Brendon had to sit next to Ryan, laughing maniacally all hunched over and
holding his ankles. The room stank like something he had never smelled before
and it felt dank.
A lawyer walked up to the table and stuck gloves on to lift up the nearest and
newest looking shoe box. The bottom was rotten with coffin liquor and he opened
it to show the jury the skeleton of a new born. "Every single box has at least
one baby's skeleton in it. Some have two. Each bag have three. There are two
bags here and twenty-seven boxes."
Brendon looked from the table to Ryan who had left himself bent back over the
chair with John trying to calm him down from the second row he sat in next to
Rob, next to George.
"What happened with the babies in your cage?"
Rob rubbed his arm. "They gave me babies and then I don't know why but I let it
suck on my chest and I don't know why I did that, but I did, every time. Then
my chest started to get squishy and it hurt so I didn't let it suck on my chest
anymore. That was the first one. And it cried at me and I know crying is very
bad so I hit its head and then I hit its body and it was quiet and I taught it
not to cry. I put it in the corner and it started to smell bad and then it
turned white. The second baby I let suck on my chest even after it hurt and
that was better because it didn't cry and it made me feel better and then one
day it stopped and it turned white."
"You only ever had two?"
"No, I had more than that. I had a lot."
"He breast fed them all," John said. "That's what he told me. And when we got
him we actually had to double check and make sure he was male because he was
still producing breast milk from the last one he had. I never knew it was
possible, but he did it. We have a video of Ryan killing one and Rob stealing
its twin. We hope to play it today, to show how the family forced Ryan to kill
the baby with a hammer."
"Sure. Robert, this man is gonna ask you some questions, now, ok?"
"Rob, why didn't you ever open the crate? By yourself."
"Well I can only see with glasses but I didn't have glasses then so I couldn't
see, plus it was dark and I was inside and I couldn't see how to open it or if
I could and also I was scared if I came out with all of them I would have to
live with them and they scared me I thought maybe they would get all my teeth
and all my fingers."
"There was blood on the wall following patterns of the metal of the crate. If
you were always in there and never came out, why was there blood?"
"Because my skin rubbed the cage and it was a little sharp and my pee and my
poo made my skin always hurt so all the time I had a booboo and I leaned on the
wall behind the cage because I like to touch it so it got bloody. My mouth bled
because they took my teeth so when I licked the wall to get it off it got on
the wall."
"Go ahead back," the plaintiff said when the defendant was finished. "We're
gonna play a video."
Brendon watched Rob dart across the room and hide up in the ceiling. John
turned to Amber as he wore the video recorder and Brendon was starting to feel
bad for freaking out. He was sure that Ryan didn't just walk around a park and
take babies to kill from strollers. But still, he didn't know and that scared
him. He didn't know if Ryan like to kill and was going to be the father and
provider of his new family. He did always volunteer to kill bugs for Brendon.
Maybe he was just taking what he could get.
"They had SIDS and we didn't know it," Amber said. Brendon watched her take a
step in front a wall that held Rob's bed. It had been patched over many times.
"That wall she stepped in front of is where we got every single box and bag and
this container," an investigator at the stand said.
Ryan grabbed Brendon's wrist in his blacked out haze. They were going to show
him killing the baby, next. "My, dear. I love you."
Brendon watched John walk in with Ryan and a police officer from a badly
mounted camera. He could see the front of a dog cage and Rob sitting on the
floor, watching them. John left and Ryan was promptly whipped then tased, held
down by Rob. Ryan had a seizure and was tossed in the crate. The tape skipped
to Ryan moving, an hour later, while dinner was being eaten. He went strait to
cleaning and finished. Brendon was horrified, then, to see Amber walk out with
infants and a hammer. He could hardly bear to watch the rest, but he did with
his arms wrapped around his stomach.
Ryan stumbled up to the stand when the video finished playing.
"How many did you kill?"
"I killed twelve babies," Ryan said, speaking directly to the counter his face
rested on.
"Could you sit up, please?"
Ryan groaned and threw himself back. "I killed twelve," he spat. "And each and
every time I was given one to kill, they threatened me with a gun. And I don't
think you know how often I've wanted to kill myself. I used to try weekly. I
still try every once in a while. But for some reason, every single time I have
a gun at my head, ready to go, I give in a and I take another human being's
life to save my own. I do it every single time. I used to tell myself I did it
for the lesser of two evils. I told myself what they told me. That if I didn't
do, we would both die, anyway. They would kill it anyway. That last one, you
heard me try to get them to give it to me. But they don't care. It was gonna be
out of their hair, but they just wanted to have fun watching me kill a baby.
And I did it. That very die, I was contemplating suicide. I remember. So why
didn't I just let them do the work for me? Because I'm a scummy piece of shit.
Now I've gotta deal with my family. Do you think they want me back after
watching that video?"
"Ryan, just relax," the lawyer said.
Ryan set his elbows on the desk and scrubbed his face. He collapsed at Brandy's
whine and met someone to walk him back to his seat. Now he didn't know what he
said. What if he told Brendon he loved it and wished he could do it again?
Brendon tried to take Ryan's hand, but the older pulled it away and sat
pointedly further.
_________
Just five minutes of deliberation later, Ryan could pump his fist to a sentence
of death for Amber, Melody, Earl Norma, Jack, and Sue. The joy of knowing they
would all die left him forgetting the fact that Brendon kew he was sitting
right next to a murderer.
George didn't have to try hard to catch Ryan before he left. His son nearly
knocked him down with a hug.
Ryan tucked his nose away in his father's neck and tried to think up ways he'd
never have to let go. "I love you, Dad," he said. He got a mumble back.
George tore himself back. He smoothed Ryan's hair back incessantly with his
shaking hands. "I'm sorry."
"Dad, where are you going?" he asked. Ryan didn't want an apology. He couldn't
get angry at his father for what he had done.
George shook his head. "Ryan, I don't want you to go looking for me, ok? I'm
just saying goodbye."
Ryan's eyes welled with new tears. His dad couldn't just go. He had things he
wanted to tell him. And with a disappearance, Ryan had an aching feeling in his
gut that the next news story would be of how the father, not sentenced to
death, got what they all thought he deserved. "No, you can't."
"Ryan, I promise you everything is going to be fine. I just don't think we'll
see each other again. And I don't want to see you again, Ryan. I know, I know.
It's ok."
The comforting was only making Ryan miss him more, and he was right there
hugging him. "Dad, this isn't fair. You can't just do this to me."
"I'm doing the best thing for you. I put you through hell for six years and now
I'm just trying to leave you alone so you can go have fun and live your life."
"But, Daddy," he whined. "Dad, you put me through hell for six years now you
won't even try to make it better?"
"This is making it better. I promise."
Ryan stood on his own and clenched his fists. "No. Dad, I know you're going to
go kill yourself. And I cannot-." He groaned. "You can't do that. It isn't
fair. My mother already killed herself and now you, too."
"I never said that was what I was going to do."
"But I know that it is. You can't do that."
"Ryan."
"If you kill yourself, I'm killing myself, too."
"Ryan, you stop that right now."
He couldn't help that he was sobbing. "Daddy, you can't." He held his father's
wrist in one hand and his aching, twisting chest in the other.
"What do you expect me to do, Ryan? I have no job, no family, no home."
"You can live with us."
"No. Ryan, stop it."
"You can. Until I have enough money to get you an apartment."
"No."
"So where are you going to go?"
"Look, I promise you I won't kill myself. Here, pinky-promise."
Ryan offered his pinky and sniffled while his father shook it. That was his
dad. No matter what he'd done, that was his dad. He would always love him. He
couldn't just sit down and let the man kill himself, or he might have to
follow, leaving Brendon and his children. He was going to be a dad, and so he
wondered if he could feel this way about his children the way he did his
father. Or if his father felt the same way back. Though clearly not if he was
willing to just leave him.
"I don't know where I'll go, but for you, I won't kill myself."
"Really?"
"If this is what you want me to do to make up for what I've done." It seemed a
fair trade. He made Ryan suffer, so now he would have to until he died on his
own. Suffering because he knew what he had done. How he had given Melody his
address and told his wife she was being selfish. He could live with the
memories of his won child hood, but it was what he had done to his child that
was hurting him.
Ryan nodded and fell back into a hug, hanging on until Grace ripped him away.
***** Chapter 20 *****
Chapter Notes
     This is right back from the trial.
Ryan went strait inside, not waiting for Grace to unlock the door or for
Brendon to get out with him. He marched inside, right after the hearing, and he
picked up his car keys and Brandy's favorite toy. He didn't change, he could
come back for his clothes if he decided he could come back at all.
"Oh, boy," Brendon groaned and rolled out of his seat.
"Give him his space," she called.
Ryan snapped upon seeing Brendon blocking his way. "Brendon, I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be."
His car keys jingled in impatient hands. "Move."
"No. You have to stay."
"Move."
"You're not gonna come back."
"Do you want me to come back?"
Brendon nodded.
That was definitely not the answer he was prepared to respond to. "Really? Then
I guess I'll come back. Now move, Brendon."
"Where are you going?"
"I'm just gonna drive around. Now leave me alone."
"Do you promise you'll be back?"
Ryan sighed and let his head drop back. "Yes, I promise. How about I go get you
a drink and a candy bar? I just want to go by myself and I'll come back with
something for you."
"I don't want anything."
"How about chocolate milk? Is that what you've been drinking lately?"
"Yeah. Can I just come with you?"
"No, I'll be right back."
_______________
Brendon was starting to worry himself, sitting alone, still, in his corner of
the couch with his bag of chips. He had been texting Ryan furiously, then
wondering if Ryan might have been trying to answer and crashed. Finally, after
an hour and a half, Ryan walked in with a bag and red eyes. "What happened? Why
were you gone for so long?"
"I wasn't."
"You left almost two hours ago! To get chocolate milk and a candy bar."
"Oh, well I've been sitting in the car outside for like an hour. I'm sorry."
"Doing what?"
"Crying," he said under his breath and half tossed Brendon the bag. He remained
standing, waiting.
"What's wrong, babe?" he asked, looking up to see Ryan crying silently, clearly
trying not to.
"Well, what are you gonna do with me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you gonna kick me out?"
"Why would I do that? You pay half the bills, it's not like we could, anyway."
"Because, I don't know. I'm a fucking murderer? Can you not act like this isn't
a big deal because I have been stressing myself out since you got pregnant
trying to figure out how I could keep it a secret and now you just want to,
like. Brendon."
He was patting his chest and offering his arms. "Come here." Ryan collapsed on
the couch, dropping his head heavy on Brendon. "Ooh, you have a big head. You
know, you look adorable so close up."
"Brendon, I think you're trying to avoid this and you can't just avoid this."
"Ok, I know. But you know, babe, I was so worried you were gonna rape my kids
or that you were getting off to me being pregnant and then you told me in the
restaurant and I thought that killing people was something you just enjoyed
doing. You know I saw that video, Ryan. And, yeah." Brendon could feel tears
coming on, messing up his whole thing. He didn't want to cry over it because it
would seem like a bigger deal to the very often suicidal Ryan. He didn't want
his boyfriend to think he was just trying to make it seem like no big deal so
they could get over it. Though, no matter what, under duress or not, Ryan had
still killed a living being. And the person didn't have a family or kids, but
Brendon, and he was sure Ryan as well, wondered what that person could have
done with its life. It was still something. "Like, yeah, you killed someone and
that's big, but I know you didn't want to and I know you were forced. And those
babies were basically bred to be killed, Ryan. I saw you try, but they just
wanted to have fun. And that was in the past, now, so now we just get to try
our best to get over it. Nobody loved those babies and nobody is missing them
now. It's a shame, but there's nothing anybody could have done to stop it so
now we just have to move on. We can't dwell on it."
Ryan hummed to his hair being pet. He knew Brendon was right, but that didn't
make him feel much better. He would just resign to pushing it away and
pretending it never happened at all, like he had been doing since the first.
"We can't let that take us over. Now you're giving to new lives and we're both
going to do our best to take care of him make him happy and proud to be our
child. That's good, right?"
"Yeah, I guess. I'm gonna go take a shower."
"Do I need to sit in there with you to make sure you don't try anything?"
Ryan hesitated before a nod. "Yeah, I guess." He more wanted Brendon in there
to make sure Brendon didn't want to pack his bags and steal his keys to go find
a normal person to have children with.
_____________
_____________
_____________
Sunday Ryan worked a shift in the checkout. He had been recently given limits
by the doctor to stock the shelves, but he was always more comfortable with
Brandy laying in her dog bed next to the same checkout aisle five, with their
sign at the front of the line warning he worked with a service dog. Brandy
often liked to stand to see over the counter, and the customers enjoyed it. He
mainly got parents looking worn with their children. They begged to pet her,
and he often let them, but sometimes he had to go through a very nerve-racking
answer of 'no' that sent Brandy back to the ground and nudging him.
It was rather quiet for the hour, but he got a young girl in sportswear buying
a water bottle and a health bar. She had short hair, to her shoulders, and it
was nearly blond as it covered her thin glasses. She jumped when Brandy hopped
up, tongue hanging out while she panted. "Sorry about that. Dear, lay down. Get
down," he said swinging a foot at her, not doing a thing to deter. "Brandy, lay
down. already. I'm so sorry."
"No, it's ok." She took the bag. "Thanks."
"Oh my god," Mrs. Bose groaned to herself, her three bouncing boys moving
around her. She nearly backed out and went to a new line, but Ryan had already
seen her and her children were excited about Brandy. "I'm sorry, Ry. Jack, get
down right now."
He didn't know how to acknowledge her apology, so he just tried to get Brandy
away from little grabbing hands. She loved the attention, enough to distract
her from feeling his anxiety.
____________
____________
A boy already was recording with his camera phone, having known what was going
to happen. The rumors were going around.
"Hey, you baby murderer. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Ryan gasped at the kicking of his cane. It flew from under him and he hardly
caught his balance on the table before Ben grabbed his hips and threw him to
the side. Brandy's leash was cut with scissors by someone not Ben and he could
see her being restrained, barking and growling, struggling to get from the four
students needed to hold her back.
"You should have fucking died," Ben spat with a kick to Ryan's chest. He bent
down and lifted Ryan back up to throw him into the row of computers on tables.
He was sick of Ryan. Sick of Ryan on the News, sick of his cane, sick of his
ugly service dog. All of it. "Huh, you piece of shit? What's wrong with you?"
Ben only had time for a couple more kicks and punches before one of the
football coaches who taught a science class nearby could rip him off. Ryan was
left, back to Ben, curled around his stomach while facing the wall, half under
a table with a computer on it. Most of the fight was put on his back and his
face, splitting his lip and knocking him unconscious. Brandy was barking and
growling, her nails trying to dig into the floor to get away from the students
holding her back.
"Who cut this leash?"
Nobody answered the vice principal, but when the police officers got there,
they got answers. Paramedics were called in to move Ryan, wake him up, clean
him up, and be sure he didn't need to visit the hospital.
"You can move everything ok?"
He had already made sure he could feel everything, all while Ben kicked him,
and as soon as he woke. He just couldn't move for pain. He nodded and reached
for his head. News of another concussion would not be happy news to Grace, but
all Ryan could hope for was that she would understand he didn't provoke Ben.
"Who got a video on their phone? Come on, I know somebody recorded some of it."
A few hands went into the air and the police plus the vice principal watched
the recording right away.
"No, don't move. Just stay still and we'll put you in a wheelchair. Does that
sound ok, Ryan? We'll take you downstairs and contact your mother."
He nodded more slowly, feeling quite ridiculous. "Where's my cane? Where's my
dog?" He had to ignore his ugly cane being handed to him to turn, causing more
pain, and see Brandy on a very short leash, held in a man's fist. He let her
go, it seemed he was just unable to hold on when she saw Ryan was looking back
at her. She came bounding, limping at first only to walk it off and start for
Ben, standing just near. "Brandy, no," he snapped at her, bringing a hand down
on her head just weakly to get his point across and to have her tuck her tail
and offer her collar for him to hold. "That's a bad dog."
"Do you want to try to lay in this bed?" a nurse asked, parking the chair just
next to it when they got to the Nurses' Office. Ryan nodded and started to try
to move. "Just be careful, ok? Don't stress yourself."
___________
Grace had decided it would be best to have Ryan stay with the nurses until the
day was done, so she wouldn't have to bring Brendon home with him and risk
missing tests. She walked in with her first son to find her oldest son
sleeping, head down, in a wheelchair with Brandy snoozing on the bed next to
him. "Ryan?"
The first thing paining him was his neck, when he woke.
"When are you dropping out?" Grace asked. She never thought she would want it
to be as soon as possible, but all school was bringing him was injuries.
"I don't know."
"You need to do it soon. You just keep getting hurt."
Ryan didn't answer, just pulled himself up and found his cane. "Are we going
home?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, Ry, I heard Ben is being expelled," Brendon said, offering that when he
couldn't help Ryan up or to walk.
"You know already?"
"It's rumor. He deserves it, though. I don't see why they wouldn't."
"I just don't want to get my hopes up, dear."
_________________
Even with his bruising and Brendon having insisted he sit all his weight on
Ryan's lap to eat, Ryan still jumped at the doorbell. The last incident only
encouraged him, even enough to teach Brandy to bark at the door, again, while
worrying Brendon and Grace. Still, food was more important to Brendon when it
was most likely Jon and Spencer to get details of the most recent school fight.
Ryan answered the door to find his grandmother wearing black. He slammed it
closed, spun on his heals, and opened the door just a crack to peak out at her.
This was no second attack, this was his grandmother. His real grandmother. She
looked older, but no less recognizable.
Dorothy could hardly believe she was looking at her grandson. He had gotten
quite tall over the absence and she was glad to have found him, but she came
with grim news. "Ry?"
Ryan had the door tight to his nose to peak out at her, only opening it just
enough to stick out his arm so he could push the screen door open to her. When
she caught it, he closed the door tight, again.
"Ryan, what are you doing?" Brendon asked through his mouthful of food. "Who is
it?"
"Ryan, come back in here, love," Grace said. "Come on, we don't need to play in
the door." She spoke as he might have been blacking out. It was likely after
the fight. He was probably worrying himself over returning to school.
He stepped back and she stood in the screen door, still on the porch. "Do you
want to come out? Is your mother home?"
He shook his head, still backing up.
"Ryan?"
He wanted to hiss at them, fearing they could scare the older woman away. He
took her shoulder before she could turn back for the door and pulled her to him
so she could hug him.
Dorothy rubbed Ryan's back furiously, kissing his chest. "Oh, my baby." She
stuck her head to the side to see a woman who must have been Grace, his adopter
as mentioned by the News. She saw Brendon, as she saw him, when he sat in the
courtroom. "Are you-? I'm Dorothy, Ryan's mother's mother."
"Ryan, are you ok with this?"
He turned to her and nodded. "Yeah, this is my Grandmom, Grace." He looked back
to her. "Why are you here? How did you know where?"
She saw the end of the case, too. When Ryan, loud and clear, begged his father
not to go. "I don't want to say this, so I'll just do it right now, ok? Your
father, he had a heart attack and the hospital was able to contact me through
the lines they already had for him previously and I went to see him. He told me
to check the houses across the street and he told me how sorry he was and then
he died, Ryan."
Ryan couldn't believe how relieved he was. He smiled, not great and not big and
not immediately, but still causing Brendon to grab onto him, probably thinking
he was going to go crazy. "He had a heart attack?"
"Just yesterday."
"Ok." He looked down to Brendon. "Do you still want me to make your tea?"
Dorothy pulled Grace to her when they were left in the living room, after
Brendon clung to Ryan who was determined to make a pitcher of tea. "He didn't
have a heart attack."
"Yeah, I, I sort of figured."
"No, he went back to drinking. He did it on purpose and he begged me to tell
Ryan he didn't kill himself. I agreed. I saw the first accident on the news,
concerning some George Ryan Rosses and I followed the story and I saw him just
begging to his father, so I agreed. I figure it's best this way, anyway."
"I think so, too. I'm just glad it happened so long after his last accident.
You know, he was really missing his father in the hospital, but he doesn't even
mention him, anymore."
"Just don't show him the News, then. With how big this story got in this little
town, I figure people will rally over his father's suicide."
"Grace how do I make a cup of a two thirds cup?" Ryan asked, returning to the
living room, dragging Brendon along. "Stop," he said and laughed, swatting
Brendon off his shirt who was insisting he knew the answer. "You're staying,
right?" Ryan asked, looking to his grandmother, again.
She nodded with a glance to Grace. "I was hoping to try to catch up with you."
He led the woman to the couch, having shoved the two thirds cup to Brendon to
figure out. "How's Margret?"
"Oh, she's doing well. I just dropped her off at her softball practice."
"How old is she? Elven?"
"Almost twelve, yes."
"What about PopPop? How's he?"
"Oh, sweetheart."
"What?" He was maybe most excited to see his grandfather, again. He wouldn't
tell his grandmother, but her husband's stories were always his favorite. And
the way he always played with those remote control cars or helicopters with
him. A frown found his face at the sight of hers.
"PopPop was diagnosed with lung cancer about two years after your mother died.
He died about six months after that. But it was very relieving to see him go,
dearest, really. He was sick before he was diagnosed and the treatment had him
in pain and it's just much better this way. He was too stubborn to go get
checked when I asked him, but I think it would have ended this way, anyway."
"Oh. Is everyone else ok?"
"Everyone else is doing great, love. We all saw the News in September, but they
refused to follow it anymore. They just didn't want to know after they thought
you died. I tried to tell them the News said you were recovering, but they just
didn't want to hear much more, anyway. It was very hard, you know."
"So I guess they wouldn't want to see me ever again?"
"Of course! I'm planning your reunion, dear. I want to have you over this
weekend for dinner with Margret and Aunt Kathy and Uncle Sammy. Because I know
it must be overwhelming with PTSD," she said to his smile. "So we'll start off
very slow with meeting everybody."
Brendon sat, leaning on his mother, with Ryan and Dorothy sitting close at the
other end of the couch. He ate the whole time he listened to her stories of
Ryan and while she cried just looking at him, pointing out his scars and
height. When the chatter died down, he set his bowl on the table and waved Ryan
to him, letting him crawl and rest his head on him. "Babe, how are you with
your dad?" he asked quietly. His smile had been fake most of the time with his
worry behind.
"Oh, I'm so relieved," he assured, popping up. Seeing his grandmother put some
sort of a spark to him and he had no weight on him thinking of how his father
was worrying, wandering the streets. "Babe, I know. I regret asking him not to
kill himself, because I know that was what he wanted and it doesn't sound very
nice, but I know he couldn't deal with having nowhere to live and no family and
no alcohol. I wish I hadn't done that to him, but I guess it doesn't matter,
now. Oh. When's the funeral?"
"He had no life insurance or anything, Ryan. Nothing to cover costs. And he
knew that. He just wanted to be put with his tombstone next to Danielle and he
asked me specifically if we wouldn't even, well. He said he didn't want
acknowledgment. But he's going to be buried and we can have a memorial service
for him."
No funeral was reliving. Now he wouldn't have to work himself up if he happened
to be in a bad place the day it would fall on. Still, it was a little
disappointing, but he didn't figure anybody would want to go but him. A
memorial service would be fine. After enough time for people to forget about
what he had done. Ryan was mostly grateful for how he was separated from his
father. He would never not be grateful to his father, or turn and decide what
he did was wrong, but at least now he hadn't been taken away to have the man
die a day later.
___________
"This Sunday? At five, that's fine. Ryan, they live with me, still, so I won't
tell them you're coming. It will be a surprise."
He smiled, recognizing and remembering her clearer. "Ok, Grandmom."
***** Chapter 21 *****
Chapter Notes
     Ok, this is beginning to make less and less sense without being like
     the other one and it was just simply stupid to do this. And this
     whole story is stupid and my writing sucks and blah, blah, blah.
     Maybe I'll fix it all one day?
     Anyway, school has started up again so the chapters will be set
     farther apart but the story is definitely not over. Thanks to anyone
     still reading. Let me know f there are big issues with it? I mean,
     other than it being just generally shitty, please.
The house was smaller than Ryan remembered, but no different, otherwise. He
could still pick out his favorite, large stone it was built with. The front
yard's pile of metal pieces and planks of wood matched with fallen tree
branches had been replaced with wicker chairs and a wicker table, under a shade
offering umbrella. Ryan led them up the brick pathway, with the grass trimmed
closely, to the blue door. He chose the old-fashioned knocker instead of the
doorbell, as he always had before, when he was younger and it was much cooler
to swing the knocker, even when he needed help to reach it. Almost as soon as
he let it go, he could hear heels beating into the hardwood and the door pulled
open.
Dorothy led them through her quaint house, littered well with knickknacks, to
her tearoom."Ryan, is this alright? It's not too much for you , is it?"
"No not at all." Brandy sat taller and set her head in his lap. "No, I'm fine."
"You're sure?"
"Positive."
A smile sat on her lips when she went to hand him his tea. "Margret and Aunt
Kathy should be here any minute. I just sent them to take little Hobo for a
walk. Uncle Sammy should be back a little later. And then we can talk and we'll
have dinner and catch up." She sighed a big breath. "It's just so great to have
you back. And with your cute little boyfriend," she added with another pat to
Brendon's stomach.
"Are they, like," Ryan said and breathed more heavily. "Gonna have a problem,
like, with this?" he asked, swinging a finger between him and Brendon, but she
didn't seem to understand. "Like, I can just tell them we're brothers, now. If
you think that's better."
"Oh, no," she said. "No, no, Ryan. You tell them. That's not an issue."
Through the house and it's halls, Brendon could hear the door opening and a
dog's nails skittering on the floor. Brandy perked up.
"We're in here, dears!"
Just faintly, Brendon could hear a small voice ask, "Who's visiting?" and
another answer, "I don't know."
Ryan tried to stand, but Dorothy, tall and straightening her shirt while
standing next to him, set her hand on his shoulder, holding him down. He really
didn't want to be so disrespectful when seeing old family members for the first
time in a long while, but he couldn't go against her, either.
Dorothy's hands clapped in front of her chest all on their own. She didn't
expect Margret to remember, but when Kathy only lifted her eyebrows to Ryan and
looked back to her, Dorothy's shoulders fell. "Seriously?"
Kathy blushed. How embarrassing. How was she supposed to know who sat there?
Had she met him before? Looking again, he seemed maybe familiar. Like she might
have met him once before. She probably had and now her mother wouldn't even
play it off or say his name. The other two, she had no clue, but she had a
feeling she had just forgotten three very important people. The skinny one held
the fat one's hand and the woman smiled like she was in on something.
A thin, ring-heavy hand sat on the top of Ryan's head. "Kathy, look at him!
Don't tell me you don't remember."
Kathy's face was full red and getting warm. "Mom," she hissed.
"This is your nephew! Kathy, this is Ryan! George Ryan Ross the third."
"That's not funny, Mom," she said as she rifled through her purse to find her
wallet and take out the few pictures of him she had. Danielle was her younger
sister, and it was a shock to learn she was pregnant so young, but it was
accepted before long and the baby became the joy of the house's lives. Danielle
died and George refused to let them come to pick Ryan up for his birthday and
holidays to follow, even when it was offered to bring George, too. They
disappeared when George stopped answering his phone and no one came to the
door. It was Dorothy's idea to give him space after his wife's death. The house
looked abandon and finding them became impossible. Six years passed and he was
suddenly back all as a gay, hippy with a giant dog, scars hiding his face, and
an old man's cane. "Oh, Ryan," she said , leaning over him to hug his shoulders
as soon as she decided to believe it was him. He seemed reluctant to return it,
but he did. "You just sit there and let her do that to me? I didn't know who
you were!"
He gave a shy smile and lowered his head to hide his scars and burns when he
noticed them both looking.
"So where have you been? Where did you move?"
"I never moved, miss."
The tone in which he answered and the 'miss' definitely threw her off. He could
have been pretending, but, even though she'd never met his father, his face
resembled too much of the stories. She knew of his father's past and now, just
with a look, she'd been filled in on his. Her face fell to recognition, but she
didn't want to be right. Maybe George, the man always having hid, just fell
deeper without her sister and his son had been in some accidents with his
friends, the way they would have goofed around growing older.
Still, she knew what had really happened and didn't want to think about it.
They all knew George's story, so there wasn't much guessing that needed to be
done. "Margret, do you remember him? He's your cousin Ryan and you two used to
be the best of friends. We couldn't get you guys apart, you just loved him."
She only mumbled, "I think," and stepped back, some.
"The last time I saw you was at your birthday party. You were turning seven or
something around there and I was gonna be eleven. It was the first year we were
getting our own parties, and I told you you could go first. Then I just never
got mine, but I remember yours."
"Why didn't you get one?"
"I moved," he said, hardening again. She jumped just slightly at his sudden
change and looked confused.
"But I thought you said you didn't move."
"I moved."
Brendon smiled at the girl, trying to make up for her cousin.
"So who's this? Who are you?" Kathy asked, talking to the dog, first. "Oh,
you're big, huh?"
After waiting long enough for Ryan to explain the dog, Brendon spoke for him.
"Her name's Brandy. She's his service dog, so he brings her everywhere. We just
forgot the vest.”
She looked up to the other boy, with his stomach sitting on his lap. "I'm
Kathy, it's nice to meet you," she said and shook his hand.
"Brendon. I'm his boyfriend. And this is Grace, my mother."
"I adopted Ryan," she said.
Ryan pulled his head back. Grace was his mother and had only adopted him?
Maybe he was being a nitpicker, but maybe he was catching on.
Brendon pulled Ryan in by the shoulders. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
Kathy sat down on the chair she had pulled in from the kitchen and Margret took
the floor by her legs. She pretended not to have heard or noticed Ryan's bit of
anger on his face. In the back of her head, she had to hope he hadn't turned
out a brat.
"How have you been, Ryan?" she asked.
"Well, miss. And you? How are you, ma'am?"
She figured it best not to ask him to call her Aunt Kathy. Dorothy had told her
how now matter how often she insisted, George would only call her ma'am. "I'm
doing just fine. Even better to see you, now. Do you live far?"
"The same neighborhood as my parent's old home. Across the court."
"And how did you come to adopt him, Grace?" She wasn't getting much from Ryan,
but she would keep trying.
________
Ryan stood when the door opened again and after another call from his
grandmother, steps clicked to the room in which they sat. Dorothy couldn't
force him to sit, and this was a man coming in, anyway. He straightened his
vest and held his cane up in his hands while Brandy sat strait, closing her
mouth to bring her tongue back in.
Sam gasped almost just as he was in the door. It couldn't have really been his
nephew standing there, not with his hand out to shake so formal. His head was
hung, but he recognized the lanky frame he had inherited, along with the curly
hair he had from when he was a child. "Ryan? It's you, isn't it?"
He nodded and set his hand back to his side while his uncle hugged him so
tightly. When they separated, Sam tipped his head up by his chin and sighed.
"I didn't want to believe the News," he said. All he had seen was the initial
story, when the boy was pulled out bloody and possibly shot. He had heard there
was a hearing from coworkers, but he didn't want to watch. He figured he
wouldn't see Ryan again, that he would be happy with his new family and that
would simply be it. After he'd heard the George Ryan Ross the third was stable,
he quit watching. Then he'd heard George Ryan Ross the second had committed
suicide, just that morning, and he thought he'd gone insane.
"I'm sorry, sir."
Sam started to hug him a second time, but he startled himself. "I have some
things for you. I'll be right back."
Ryan waited for the man to have left before falling back to the couch. He
grunted and gripped his back, then his hip.
Sam went into his closet and gathered all the gifts into his arms for one trip.
They were larger with age, but he brought them all.
Ryan shifted uncomfortably when all things wrapped were dropped on the floor.
He didn't have to time to wonder before his uncle was explaining, sorting
things with his foot.
"You know we had no idea why you stopped showing up," he said. "So this was
your eleventh birthday's present. And I was sure you would be here for
Christmas, after you and your father had had a little more time to deal with
your Danielle's passing, so we got you a Christmas gift. And then I figured
that wasn't really enough time anyway, so I thought maybe a year would do it.
This is for your twelfth, then this is thirteen, this is fourteen, fifteen,
sixteen, and seventeen. And these all are the Christmases. Every year I really
thought you guys would show up. So this is all yours. I mean, these are
matchbox cars, and this is a truck, and a helicopter you can fly. So you may
not want those, but maybe if you have a new cousin, now. They're not going to
anyone else. And the more recent ones are money or gift cards. Everything's
yours."
He was uncomfortable receiving so many things. Luckily, Brendon spoke up.
"Ry, little Georgie could play with the toys. Don't you think?" he asked, his
hands moving up and down his stomach, bringing up his shirt and showing pale,
soft skin without his knowledge.
Sam tipped his head. "Who's George?"
Brendon could feel himself flushing and he started to rub his stomach a little
faster. He looked to Ryan, for permission to explain. He got a apathetic shrug,
but his mother had already started to tell.
"He's pregnant," she said. "Don't ask how, we don't really know. Just there’s
some crazy, complicated science behind it.”
"This is George Ryan Ross the fourth," he said, touching his belly.
Ryan took his breath and fell to Brendon's side, working his way under an arm.
The longer he sat with his aunt, uncle, and cousin, the better he felt. The
strong recognition of them let him relax and he grew tired. He listened to
their conversations, Brendon's voice sending vibrations to his deaf ear that
rest on Brendon's shoulder. "I love you," he mumbled when the room was quiet in
response to his grandmother leaving to set up the dinner table.
"I love you, too."
"I'm sorry I'm always mean."
Brendon sighed and set his hand on his chest. "I don't even care. I just
really, really love you."
Ryan rolled his eyes and sighed. "You're so overdramatic," Ryan said.
Brendon breathed in deeply and hugged Ryan's head to his chest, making him
laugh.
Kathy smiled at them both. She hadn't really expected for him to be gay, but as
long as he was happy, she was happy, too.
_______
Ryan followed them to the living room, but stopped when they all passed the
reclining chair, set to match the one other and the large couch. He knew when
his grandfather would sit there and eat, trying to rest his back.
Dorothy took his hand to squeeze and started to pull him away, just as he
started to sniffle. "Ryan, he's ok," she said. Nobody sat in the chair anymore,
not after her husband was gone to the hospice. It was only his chair, and she
would never move it.
Ryan was losing his breath and as always, it was difficult to get it back. She
put him in the other recliner, which he really didn't want to sit in. It was
the same chair as the other, even if it wasn't the right one. He pulled up his
legs and she tried to straighten them out so she could hug him better, but
without even telling it to, his body tried to curl up on itself.
"It's ok," she said, hardly able to hug him close enough. "Just breath and
don't even think about it."
"Nobody was supposed to die," Ryan whined. "I was gonna come back and
everything was gonna be the same. Just how it was when I left and nothing is
the same."
"A lot is the same," she said. She backed off when the dog was taking her
place.
"My mom is dead, my dad is dead, my grandfather is dead, I’m gay, and I'm
having a kid?" he snapped. "How does that even make sense?" Brandy starting
whining and broke to a bark, but he wouldn't stop. "You saw the case! You know
what I've done! My mom dies, I go in there and six years later I can hardly
walk, I've got PTSD, everybody thinks I've got a bipolar disorder, I've got
emphysema and I'm only seventeen."
"Mom, get him. Get him," Brendon said. He saw his eyes blink and open black,
and he was starting to stand up, with fists already clenched.
"Don't you fucking tell me everything is the same, you stupid bitch," he
yelled, spitting at her as she retreated, hiding behind his uncle. "All of
this, and this piece of shit cunt won't even tell people she's my mom when she
knows now she is and she knows now what I call her. I can't even have that?"
Brendon bounced on the couch when Ryan was thrown down to him. He pulled Ryan
to hug him, effectively restraining him until he was reduced to a whimper,
whining about something to Brendon's chest. "I know" was all Brendon could say
while his mother tried to explain the odd condition Ryan had. Smoothing down
his hair and humming was all he could do while they waited it out.
Ryan whimpered, his head aching and only more hurting with Brandy's whining. He
wiped his eyes of his tears he didn't know he had shed and let Brendon hug him,
patting his arm. "What did I do?"
"Oh, nothing major," Brendon said. He never liked to tell Ryan just what he had
done, or he would feel bad. And if he knew that he had yelled at his
grandmother while they were out, he could blackout again. "You got up and came
over to me and kinda just cried about some stuff. It's only been, like, five
minutes tops."
Grace brought herself closer to Ryan and took him from Brendon. "You know I
love you," she said, taking his hair and pulling it back. Dorothy was getting
plates with the help everyone else. Mostly, she felt, to give them a moment
alone.
"What did I do?" he asked. "What happened? I did something."
"Well, you just said that you were upset because I didn't tell them I'm your
mom when I met them. I told them I adopted you."
"Oh," he said. He pulled back, leaning on Brendon. "I was lying, then. I don't
really care that you did that."
There hadn't been an instance yet where he lied out of one specific character
he took on. It was clear he wasn't that character, and so clear he wasn't
lying. He usually told them he was lying over things like the current, anyway.
"Ok," she said. They always told him they believed him. "But I just want you to
know that the only reason I did that was because now that we're back at your
grandmother's house, I thought maybe you would feel, I don't know, weird. You
know? Like maybe you shouldn't be calling me mom. That's the only reason I did
that. I am your mom, ok? As long as you say."
She pulled him to her and he nodded and sniffled on her shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"Ooh, dinner," Brendon said. The plate Dorothy handed him was heavy with meat
and potatoes. "I love dinner." She laughed.
"You don't have to eat those," she whispered, pointing to his string beans.
"But they're really good in the mashed potatoes."
Ryan sat with his plate on his lap. He looked down at it and waited while
everyone else's forks scraped on the plate. Out of both habit and fear, even
after being comfortable earlier, he wouldn't eat. He knew Brendon and Grace
always lied to him about what he did. And he knew he was angry at his
grandmother before his dog started to whine, so he feared that maybe he had
struck her, or tried to. Maybe it was Grace after he told them he was angry she
didn't call herself his mother.
"Ry, eat please," Brendon said. He reached out to take Ryan's shoulder to rub,
but the other pulled away. "Can we please not do this today, honey?"
"You have to be patient with him," Grace said, quietly so Ryan's hearing ear on
his other side wouldn't catch anything. "I know he can be difficult and I know
it can be tiring, but he's been conditioned. And he's scared because he blacked
out and his moods are acting up, I think."
"I know. I just want him to eat. I can't tell if he's being bad again, or if
he's just scared."
Ryan strained his ears once he knew they were talking about him.
"I think he's just scared, baby. He'll eat if he can and if not, we can feed
him at home."
"I'll send you home with some," Dorothy said. "There's plenty in the kitchen.
Everybody can have seconds, thirds. There's a lot."
Margret groaned and Ryan sighed with a slight shake of his head.
His aunt and uncle laughed while his grandmother scoffed something indignant.
"Oh, Ryan. He remembers," Sam said. "He knows."
"Eat, Ryan," Dorothy said. "Eat up. Your plate is going to get cold and you're
hungry."
Grace couldn't quite see how anyone could possibly have a second plate, with
what they already had. But at least Ryan was eating after the order. He picked
at his potatoes and string beans, but before long had set his plate on
Brendon's stomach and sat up.
"Aw, are you gonna give me a kiss?" Brendon asked.
"No, I was just repositioning."
"Right here." He tapped a finger on his cheek.
Ryan met Brendon's cheek just as his grandmother returned to the room. He
didn't really like being affectionate in front of anyone, but to do in front of
his grandmother was just plain disrespectful. Not even for the fact that they
were gay, either. Still, she made some happy sound and pinched Brendon's cheek.
"Ryan," Dorothy said. She put his plate back on his lap when he was back to
sitting.
He shrunk, head down and knees tightly together.
"Why aren't you eating?" She sat down on the coffee table and touched his knee,
making them come closer together, if even possible. "You're only picking. And I
don't mean to do this, Ry, but I only want to make sure you're ok. You know,
you're mother went through a period when she was a little younger than you
where she didn't eat because she wanted to be skinny," she said quietly with
Margret sitting across the room, behind her back. "And that is no way to be,
Ryan. Look at me, Ry."
He lifted his head.
"I want you to eat that plate at least, and then maybe some more, ok? You're
too skinny as it is. Your parents never knew how to feed you, I had to do it.
And then I bet you were starved."
He nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
___________
***** Chapter 22 *****
Chapter Notes
     Ok ok it's coming to an end. However, the other version will continue
     a while longer, not that you guys care. Also, I made a tumblr for
     this kind of stuff so if your dash is dead or whatever, I'm
     everybodyknowsomebody (every body knows-omebody. I dint know it'll
     probably change but whatever) Anyway, because this turned around on
     me, I'm really considering going chapter by chapter and readoing it.
     So if you sometime come back for a reread, it may sound a little
     different but hopefully better! Thank you guys.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
At this point, Grace was like their caretaker. Brendon was too big and lazy and
Ryan’s back got worse as time passed. They spent most of their time cuddled on
the couch, Ryan nestled under Brendon’s arm, head against his breast.
School was hard when he was the only kid carrying around a cane, grunting from
the pain of walking. When he had to bring a dog, still.. Especially since he
was paired with Brendon. Anyway, school was a pain in the ass, let alone all
the work and tests he couldn’t be bothered with while he was eating and
sleeping. He kept trying to remind himself that he was going to drop out
anyway, and it was reassuring but only until the fact that he was dropping out
scared him.
“Oma’s coming to see you two.”
“When?”
“She’s on her way.”
Ryan dropped his shoulders. “Why the hell is she coming right now? Doesn’t she
have her shit to do?”
She gave him a hard look for his words. “She’s coming because she wants to see
you boys. Brendon’s due really soon and she’s excited.”
“One more month for baby Georgie,” Brendon squealed. He gave his mother his
bowl so he could lift his shirt and tuck it under his chest. “I’m so excited. I
just want to hold him. And kiss him and hug him. He’s gonna love me.”
“Obviously, stupid,” Ryan snapped.
“Ok, you don’t have to be mean to me while I’m talking about our baby. You know
what, Ry? You’re a mean person. You have a dark soul.”
“Just shut up, already.”
“Both of you just stop it. She’s bringing some stuff for the baby. She’s sad
we’re not having a shower so she went out and bought a bunch of stuff anyway.
You know her.”
“Oh good,” Brendon said. “I’ve been getting worried. “We have clothes and
blankies and the nursery will still be done this weekend, right?”
“Yes. It’ll be done.”
________
“You know, you’re the only one excited about the baby other than me,” Brendon
told his Oma. She was so curious to hear how they both felt, and to see all the
clothes they had, and the books.
“I’m excited,” Grace said from the kitchen.
Ryan turned over when Brendon looked at him, then nudged him when he remained
still. As they drew closer, Brendon was getting nervous for how Ryan would
cope, but he was trying to stay positive and not worry Ryan, too.
____________
____________
Brendon woke up, the other half of his bed cold. He knew his mother had had
plans with her friends, but Ryan wouldn’t be up unless he had to be in for
work. Ryan had stopped telling him things like that. When he was going to work,
when he wanted to sleep or shower or read. He wasn’t trying to micromanage in
the first place, but when it used to be like and all of a sudden wasn’t, he
really felt like he was doing something wrong. The whole trouble was that Ryan
wouldn’t tell him. He couldn’t or he didn’t want to.
There were the advantages, however. Brendon could spend time with himself. He
wished he knew that was all Ryan wanted every once in a while, but he would
just have to settle with his own upside to it.
The bed creaked and it rocked forward and back when he pulled himself to sit,
and took it’s time to settle back in the middle before he could stand up. He
was getting too big for his own liking.
The front door creaked open, and Brendon waddled out of his room to see Ryan
walking in in his work clothes. “You’re not allowed to leave me alone like
that. Mom doesn't want either of us alone. What if I had gone into labor? I
would be stuck here until you got home.”
“I feel like you’d be able to call someone on the phone that never leaves your
hands.
Brendon shook his head and walked away. “You know, Ryan, I’m just scared. I
don’t want to be alone.”
“I don’t really care, sweetheart.”
____________
____________
____________
“I want to go home,” Brendon said. He’d been sniffling all day and it was still
just morning.
“I’ve heard you,” Ryan said. He wanted to go home, too. At this point, Brendon
was just being an ass. If he had counted, he was sure he could have gotten to
triple digits with how many times Brendon had already said that, that day. And
now Brendon was actually crying because Ryan was being too mean and blah, blah,
blah. He’d never hear the end of it.
“I know you’ve heard me. But you aren’t making me feel any better. You should
be trying to comfort me.”
Ryan stopped just outside the German class door, even with their teacher still
there watching the halls and greeting her students. He pulled on Brendon’s
collar, popping threads. “I am not here to make you feel better. Do you know
that? I don’t feel well either my back hurts too, I’m scared, I’m tired, and I
want to go home. So you shut the fuck up or I will leave your stupid fat ass
here and you can wait for Mom to come get you because I am not, not, driving a
whining bitch home in my car.”
Brendon could see the Frau at the edge of his vision, contemplating separating
them. She was the most thoughtful teacher when it came to dealing with them, in
their complicated, months long predicament. He just wished she would pull Ryan
off him, this time. She was pretending not to have noticed them.
“Ryan, you are the biggest bully I have ever met,” Brendon said. He couldn’t
see with all the tears in his eyes, but he knew Ryan was trying to kill him
with a glare, like he always did. Brendon shook and balled his fists, not
taking long to think before saying, “I hate you. You’re awful and I wish I’d
never known you.”
“Oh good, I feel the same,” Ryan said, spitting in Brendon’s face. He threw
Brendon’s collar back, punching him in the neck on doing so and making him
cough and sputter while he stalked through the door and to his seat.
Brendon was quick to follow, after he’d caught his breath and cleaned his nose.
“Will you take me home after class? We can skip the rest of the day.”
Ryan squinted up at him, like he was crazy. “Go fuck yourself.”
Brendon burst into new tears for his way back to his chair. The bell had rung
and so the whole class was sitting and watching.
He sat and raised his hand. “Can I go to the nurse?”
Even if she was patient with the couple, she was very protective of her class
time. She dropped her shoulders the way she did and sent Brendon into a renewed
fit. She was, however, less sensitive to Brendon’s tears than anyone else’s
because they were riding on everyday, now. “Seriously? We’re learning something
new.”
He was sputtering behind his hands. “I really don’t feel well, Frau. Please.”
“Just go if you’re going to go,” she said.
Ryan heaved a sigh when the whole class turned to look at him. He tried to stay
focused on finding a position to relieve some pain.
“Mein Gott,” the teacher sighed. The phone rang just a few minutes into their
lesson, when they were just getting started after Brendon had gone. “Hello?”
she answered, needing to really try hard not to sound angry at the innocent
receptionist. She nodded at first, but took a sudden step outside, alarming the
class and calling for their chatting, trying to figure out what was happening.
Of course Ryan was waiting to find out which kid had to go to the office like
everyone else. He was beyond shocked. And scared. And wanting to rewind time,
just so this wouldn’t be happening yet.
“Ryan,” she said, at his desk and trying to talk quietly. “Brendon’s just left
for the hospital, ok? He’s going into labor.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Ryan breathed. He sat perfectly still, except for the
shaking, of course. He was there for what felt like hours, and what actually
was, he didn’t quite know. Just staring off into space until the lesson finally
resumed. He surprised them by not storming out of the class. He took out his
books like everyone else, but he he didn’t keep up or even listen at all.
Chapter End Notes
     figured this is easier for anyone interested. Oh and sorry it was so
     short http://itisntaweaponunlessyouuseit.tumblr.com/
***** Chapter 23 *****
Chapter Notes
     Ta-dah! Tumblr: itisntaweaponunlessyouuseit.tumblr.com
     Uh the whole thing will eventually be rewritten. I swear it. I had
     too high hopes for this fic to let it be this shitty and not fix it.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“Ryan!” Dorothy and Mary sat next to each other in a waiting room. “You found
us! Now, let’s get you to Brendon. He’s in that room. Nurse?”
Ryan stepped back from the man. “I don’t wanna go in there,” he said. “Brandy’s
in the car. There’s gonna be a baby. I can’t. I can’t go in there.”
“Brandy’s fine. But Brendon, you need to go see him.”
“I really don’t want to.” He really, really didn’t want to.
Dorothy got up and she rubbed his back. “I don’t want to ever make you do
something you don’t want to, but this time I think you should go. It’s not
going to ever happen again. You’ll miss it. Now go. Go ahead. Follow this young
man and you’ll be fine.”
“Ok,” he finally mumbled, his lip curling up. His stomach was churning and his
own baby was kicking. He felt like he was in some crazy, over-dramatic made up
story.
“Mom?” Brendon mumbled.
Grace ignored him. He wouldn’t stop calling her, even after she asked what was
the matter. Still, she brushed his hair back again and again. “Be quiet, honey.
Stop talking.” He was under what anesthetic he could be for a cesarean and was
reacting to it.
Ryan winced at the sight of all the blood and Brendon so cut open on his way
inside. He walked by a curtain that blocked Brendon’s own view of it and stood
on the side of his opposite Grace.
“Ryan? Ryan, Ryan."
Their hands held each other as soon as Ryan was close enough. “What? What,
Brendon?”
Brendon squeezed both of their hands as tightly as he could. “Pressure,” he
whined.
Ryan’s eyes widened when a few moments later when a beet red baby was simply
dropped onto Brendon’s chest. Grace helped him get the baby to a nipple, but
Ryan was headed towards the door. A doctor with blood all over his front
ushered him to a chair in the corner instead.
This day’s time was warped. Brendon’s giving birth felt like it was over in an
instant before the baby was there. And now he didn’t know how long he had been
sobbing into his sleeves before his grandmother was there to quiet him.
“You just need to calm down, Ryan,” she said. “Just quiet yourself. You can do
it.”
“I want my daddy,” he whined, pressing his face into her shoulder. “I want
Dad.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know,” he sapt, raising his voice. “I want him. I need him. I
can’t do this by myself.”
“That’s why I’m right here. I’m here, Grace is here. Brendon is here. Everybody
is here for you right now.”
“Are you ready to hold the baby?” A doctor approached him with the thing
swaddled in a white blanket.
Ryan’s arms were guided by the woman until he held it firmly to his chest. It
looked at him for only a moment before it closed it’s eyes and didn’t open them
again. He stared down. The color had faded since he last saw it. Memories of
bloodied hammers and hands flooded his mind's eye. He was on the floor and this
baby's eyes wouldn't open again, never again. Not after he simply squeezed the
head until it popped. Brains oozed through his fingers and blood along with a
clear fluid mixing red flowing down his arms to drip off his elbow.
His arms loosened and the baby whined and moved in the blanket
“Oh my god,” he said. “Oh my god, oh my god. get it away. Get it away from me I
don’t want it.”
“Ryan!” Brendon called. He was starting to come back with the reversal.
Ryan followed the nurse with the baby back to Brendon. “I’m leaving,” he said
firmly.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
Brendon was confused. “I mean, you’re going home, right?”
“I don’t know, Brendon. I’m leaving.”
“What?”
Chapter End Notes
     Did the ending suck? Did the whole thing suck? Want more like this?
     Let me know!
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