Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11096799.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Dear_Evan_Hansen_-_Pasek_&_Paul/Levenson
  Relationship:
      Zoe_Murphy/Evan_Hansen, Connor_Murphy/Zoe_Murphy
  Character:
      Evan_Hansen, Zoe_Murphy, Connor_Murphy
  Additional Tags:
      im_going_to_hell, Smut, Angst, Incest, Incestuous_relationship,
      Manipulation, Explicit_Sexual_Content, everyones_messed_up
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-06-03 Words: 1980
****** This Game Of Pretend ******
by orphan_account
Summary
     zoe murphy has a secret
"You're disgusting." Connor tells him, later that night.
"Shut up." Evan replies.
"You are. You're revolting. You had sex with my sister, on my bed, less than
two weeks after I died. Talk about disrespect."
"I was comforting her."
"Right. Because all comfort takes the form of your dick in-"
"Shut up!"
"This isn't what I would've wanted."
"Who cares what you wanted? You wanted to die. And you did. Case closed. Now go
away."
"Why do you hate Connor so much?"
"I don't think I really want to tell you."
"You can trust me."
"Can I?"
"Have I ever given you reason not to?"
"He...he told me it was normal, it's just that people never really talked about
it. That's what he told me, at least, but I figured it out eventually. I don't
know. I trusted him, I loved him, and when I found out, when I realised what
we'd been doing, that it was illegal? I couldn't even look at him. Because he
was smart. And older. And more responsible. He knew."
"I don't understand..."
"Incest is pretty taboo, Evan."
"Oh my god."
"You're disgusted."
"No."
"Yes. You think I'm disgusting. You're thankful he's dead."
"Zoe-"
"The worst part is that I liked it. I loved it. Loved the way that he knew
every inch of me, that he knew how to get me there, and how to get me to the
edge, but not quite over, and keep me there. Loved him..."
"I don't-"
"I trusted him...I loved him. I still wanted him to...I wanted him to get
better, and when they found him..."
"I'm so sorry, Zoe."
"I don't hate him. I just trusted him so much that I kind of thought he trusted
me that way too. I kind of hoped that he'd tell me anything like I did him. I
loved him, and now he's gone."
"You're disgusting."
"Is that all you're ever gonna say to me?"
"It's true, isn't it? You're in love with me, and my sister. She trusted you
with the news of our covert little affair, and you haven't stopped thinking
about it, since. It's like all your wildest dreams come true. The Murphy
siblings, fucking. You think it's hot. You wish you'd gotten in on it while it
was still good, while I was still alive. You just have a thing for us Murphy's,
don't you, Evan? All you want is to be fucked by the Murphy's."
"Stop it."
"You can't deny it! I know what you're thinking! You don't care if it's wrong,
you don't care if it's illegal, you wish you could've been there. You wish you
knew the details. You wish you'd seen, wish you'd watched, wish you'd fucked
Zoe hard, and been fucked by me. You're disgusting."
"Go away."
"I'll never go away, Evan."
The worst part (of all of the horrible, nasty, dirty, filthy things he'd said)
was that it was all true. That he really wanted all that.
He'd been with Zoe, had her curled around him, arching her back and scrunching
her hands in the sheets of Connor's bed. Seen the tears trailing down her face.
He didn't know they were for Connor until after she told him.
He just loved her, loved her body, and the smell of her and whatever was left
of Connor on his bedsheets, and the sounds she made, and the faint creaking of
the bed beneath them, and the muffled, "Oh, Connor," she'd moaned that he only
now recognised.
Evan wants Connor to be alive right now. Wants him alive so that he can comfort
Zoe, so that he can kiss Zoe, strip her down, spread her out on his bed, bring
her to completion with just his long, thin fingers or his mouth or-
God, Evan's disgusting.
He wants them both so bad. For him, touching him, fucking him, touching each
other, kissing each other. What would Zoe think if she knew? Would she be
disgusted? Did she really have a leg to stand on, if she was? Would she think
he was joking? Would she understand?
Evan wants Connor alive so that they could work out this mess altogether.
"I'm sorry."
"Stop that."
"Stop saying I'm sorry?"
"Yeah. I don't want to hear that you're sorry."
"What do you wanna hear?"
"I..."
"Zoe..."
"Yeah?"
"I'm not disgusted in you. I'm more disgusted in myself."
"What do you mean?"
"After you told me about you and Connor...I couldn't stop thinking about it.
And I-"
"You think it's hot."
"I mean. I guess."
"Connor always said that no one would understand. That no one would get that
what we had was special, and real, and so much more beautiful than anything
else. That people would think we were gross and wrong. Or objectify us."
"I'm not trying to objectify you. I want you, Zoe. The way I always have, and
maybe more. But I want him too."
"Don't, Evan."
"I do, I'm not lying, Zoe."
"You better not be. If you-"
"I wouldn't dare."
"It would ruin me, Evan. If my parents found out...they'd throw me out. They'd
think it was disgusting."
"I'd never."
"Thank god. I thought I'd made a mistake telling you."
"Never."
She kisses him there, in her bedroom. Kisses him, and leads him into the
hallway, and back into Connor's bedroom.
Her parents aren't home.
Evan feels kind of like he's desecrating a grave or something, because the
way...well.
Zoe rides him, there, right on top of Connor's pillows, right against the
headboard. She comes three times before he does, mostly because she begs him to
bring her off with his fingers while he fucks up into her.
She doesn't cry this time, but she closes her eyes so much that Evan knows that
she's imagining that he's Connor.
He's fine with that.
He comes and they flop down on the bed, and Zoe rubs her face, obviously
overwhelmed.
Evan holds her until she stands up and helps him dispose of the condom, leading
him back out of the room.
"Tell me about it?"
"About what?"
"Being with him."
"Like, the first time? Or, like, when we got really good at knowing what each
other wanted?"
"Second one."
"Oh, that's easy. We'd wait until our parents were out of town for a weekend or
something. Soon as they pulled out of the driveway, Connor'd bend me over any
surface he could find and fuck me with his tongue until I couldn't come
anymore. Yeah. I rode his face for hours, getting off again and again. We'd
take a break and I'd jerk him off a few times. Then, late in the night, he'd
really slowly open me up and fuck me gently, slowly. He called it making love,
because there was no rush, there was only us, and he'd whisper sweet nothings
to me, tell me how beautiful I was, how I looked like a goddess when I came,
how I was made just for him, and how he was made for me. How no one else would
have me. After that we'd go to sleep, and depending on who woke up first, he'd
either finger me awake, or I'd give him head. Connor loved that. Once he woke
up right as I was about to go down on him, and he just watched me, through
hooded eyes. The rest of the weekend was just spent fucking in every room, on
any piece of furniture, just when we felt like it. Then we'd air out the house,
cover up any bruises or bites and wait for our parents to get home. You should
have seen the way he'd kiss me, Evan. He made me feel like I was the only
person in the world. When our parents were home, we'd wait 'til they were
asleep to sneak into each other's rooms and fuck each other senseless, right
into the mattresses. He used to whisper things, like how I got wetter when he
mentioned that we were in a compromising position in a place where our parents
could walk in. He used to say that I liked the idea, the idea of being caught
like that, with him just inside me, driving me wild, and our mom or dad walking
in to see it. And he was right."
"...wow."
"Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"Definitely. Tell me more? What was he like?"
"Attentive. Loving. Like nothing else in the world. He never told me what to do
unless I asked him to. I ask him to pin my hands over my head, he did. I ask
him to shove a vibrator into my pussy and play with the controller while we
were at school and fuck me until I had the best orgasm of my life when we got
home, he would."
"When was the first time?"
"I was fifteen. It was right after his sixteenth birthday. He'd asked for a
graphic novel for his birthday, and instead dad gave him a baseball glove and a
condom. We were talking in my room, that night, and we'd always been close.
We'd hold hands when we were kids, we used to kiss, sometimes. Not in public.
And not full-on kisses. I don't know what I said, but next thing I knew, I was
in his lap, kissing him like no tomorrow, while he fingered me open. He spent a
good fifteen minutes on that before I helped him put the condom on and he
fucked me on my little single bed. He came before I did, and when I told him
so, something like, 'was I supposed to feel great?' He asked me if I'd ever
masturbated. I hadn't. Connor knew he had to get me off, and he couldn't just
fuck me again. So he made me sit on the edge of the bed and he put his face in
my pussy. It took him thirteen minutes to eat me out properly. He told me I
tasted delicious. That I was better than anything else in the world. That I was
so pure, but just perfect for him. Like we fit together in a way that was
perfect, like we filled in all the cracks of each other."
"Wow."
"One weekend we spent experimenting the fastest way for him to get me off with
his mouth. His record was three minutes and forty five seconds."
"Zoe."
"Yeah?"
"Can I try to beat that record?"
"I doubt you can, but I'll let you give it a shot. I hate to say this, but
Connor spent years getting to know how I liked it, and you've only been here
for a month or so."
"I'm willing to try."
"Well, cool. Isn't it lucky that all that talk turned me on?"
"What?"
"I'm so goddamned wet, you would not believe, Evan."
"Shit."
"Time."
"Three minutes, thirty two seconds."
"I win."
"Sure, pal, but you're not the one who just had the quickest orgasm of their
life."
Evan tries his best to make her feel as good as Connor used to make her feel.
Knows he'll never be quite right.
He knows that she likes to be kissed while he undresses her, knows that she
likes it when he kisses every bit of exposed flesh the minute it's revealed. He
knows she likes to be pressed into the mattress, fingered slowly, agonisingly.
He knows that when he crooks his fingers a certain way, she jerks, moaning,
begging him to do it again. He knows that she likes to be teased, that she
likes to be held at the edge, and deprived of relief. He knows that she can beg
for absolutely ages.
He knows that he'll never be as good for her as Connor was. Thinks he can live
with that if she lets him stay with her.
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