Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/307471.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Real_Person_Fiction
  Relationship:
      Christian_Kane/Chad_Michael_Murray
  Character:
      Christian_Kane, Chad_Michael_Murray, Jared_Padalecki, Steve_Carlson
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism
  Series:
      Part 3 of The_House_Rules
  Stats:
      Published: 2011-04-08 Chapters: 2/2 Words: 14562
****** Thinking of You ******
by saucyminx
Summary
     A novel length story of a struggling country singer and the young man
     who tries to change his life.
***** Chapter 1 *****
[http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y102/icons_n_such/By%20me/thinkingofyou.png]
“Chad? Chad!” Christian was standing on the grass three stories below his
boyfriend’s window. Bending down, he picked up a small stone and drew back his
arm to let the pebble fly at Chad’s bedroom window. It was stupidly early;
there was still dew on the grass and it seemed darker than it should have
because there were storm clouds blowing over the city.
It took Chad a few minutes to realize the sharp little clinks he was hearing
weren’t in his dream as he’d originally thought. He groaned as he flopped over
onto his back and blinked up at the ceiling. There was another sharp tap on his
window and Chad’s face scrunched up.
He clambered out of bed and across the room, reaching out to yank the window
open. He stuck his head out into the chilly early morning air and promptly got
smacked in the temple by a rock. “Shit,” Chad hissed and rubbed his forehead,
looking down at the source of his new pain. “Christian? What are you doing?”
“Ooh, shit I’m sorry.” Christian threw out his arms and grinned. “It’s our
three week anniversary,” he whispered as loudly as he could.
Chad wanted to be annoyed but Christian’s words and bright smile kind of made
it impossible. “You’re crazy,” he called back with a soft laugh, his heart
fluttering in his chest. “What are you doing down there? Come upstairs.”
"No, no! Come down! I got you coffee from the cafe down the street just the way
you like it and donuts that just came out of the oven. I've got my leather you
like to wear and it's all perfect. Got plans!" Christian waved his hands.
"C'mon man!" Grinning, he headed back to his truck and stood up on the running
board to stare up at Chad.
“But it’s-” Chad groaned and slid back in the room. It was half past five and
Chad hadn’t even gone to bed until one. And still he found himself pulling off
his shirt and tugging on a clean one from the closet. He grumbled as he pulled
on his jeans and stepped quickly into his shoes.
Five minutes later he was running down the stairs as quietly as he could,
shivering as he stepped out into the early morning chill and crossed to
Christian’s truck. “You’re insane, you know that, right?”
“I know, get in.” Still grinning, Christian slipped down into the truck and
waited until Chad climbed in before holding out his old leather jacket. “I know
you think that I don’t know you like it - but you’re not as sneaky as you
think.” His heart warmed a little at the shy smile on his boyfriend’s face.
“Put on the coat, come over here and give me a good morning kiss and then you
can nap if you want. I’m driving you somewhere.” Christian shook the jacket
slightly as he waited for Chad to take it.
The laugh that bubbled out of Chad was driven by fond affection. Here Christian
was, being this sweet and amazing guy that Chad was completely smitten with. As
much as Christian seemed to think he’d suck at this dating thing, Chad thought
he was kind of amazing.
“You’re just trying to impress me aren’t you?” Chad muttered and slipped into
the coat, sliding across the bench after a moment and capturing Christian’s
lips in a slow, deep kiss. “You said you weren’t gonna get to see me today,” he
murmured, hand sliding back into Christian’s hair.
"You busy or something?" Christian grinned against Chad's lips before sucking
gently on his boyfriend's bottom lip. "I mean if you have other plans-"
“Shut up,” Chad huffed quietly and pressed in for another deep, longer kiss.
When he pulled back he was slightly breathless and he smiled softly. “Where we
going?”
"Surprise," Christian whispered. He gestured to the coffee and the bag on the
dashboard. "Coffee, two cream and two sugars, medium blend. I know you always
say one but you always put in two packets of sugar. And fresh donuts. Still
warm." Sliding his arm over Chad's shoulder, he sighed happily and pulled the
truck away from the curb.
“I think you have a kink for knowing what things I like,” Chad muttered with a
soft laugh. He reached out for the coffee and donuts, sipping from the drink
and moaning softly. “So you just missed me too much to stay away?” He grinned
down at the bag of donuts as he reached inside to grab a pastry for himself.
"Okay. In the first place, I know what you like because you're mine. In the
second place, where else would I be on our anniversary?" Christian pressed a
kiss to Chad's temple then looked back at the road ahead.
"Told Steve they could rehearse without me for once, that I had somethin'
important to do." Christian hid his frown by turning to look in his side view
mirror. It hadn’t been quite that smooth; it had pretty much been Steve yelling
at him for an hour the previous night, but having Chad tucked up against him,
the music playing and the two of them driving into the sunrise? It was so worth
it.
“I’m sure he was thrilled about that,” Chad murmured and shifted to rub along
Christian’s middle gently. He kept thinking that one of these days Christian
would just have enough and he’d either snap at Steve or cut things off with
Chad. He desperately hoped it was the latter but he really couldn’t say for
sure. “He give you crap?”
Tilting his head slightly, Christian huffed. "You know Steve. He's easily hurt
when he thinks I'm blowing off important stuff." Christian had stopped saying
he'll get over it when Chad had stopped looking like he believed it. "This is
important though. You said that I should, well, you've been telling me that I
should do what I want to do - and not what he thinks - or anyone else." There
wasn't really anyone else who tried to issue directives to Christian but it
made him feel better not to limit it to Steve.
Keeping his eyes on the road, he turned slightly so he could breathe in the
still sleep-warm scent of Chad's hair. "I wanted to be with you today. It's
what I want."
“Good. I’m glad you’re doing what you want to do, because that makes me feel
good.” Chad hummed softly, tilting up to gently kiss Christian’s neck. He was
insanely curious as to what they’d be doing but he was too into the idea of a
surprise to really press it. “Want a bite of donut?” Chad asked a moment later
around a piece of pastry in his mouth. He grinned a white powdery smile up at
Christian and held up the donut.
Laughing, Christian leaned down quickly to lick at some of the sugary dusting
around Chad's mouth, then took a quick bite before looking back out the front
window. "You taste better than the donut," he teased. His heart felt warm and
heavy; he was relaxed and for once the all-too-familiar twist of anxiety seemed
to be loosening in his stomach.
Turning onto one of the secondary roads, Christian sank down a little and
twined a strand of Chad’s hair around his finger.
“Oh yeah? Every part of me taste better?” Chad polished off the donut, smirking
slightly at the suggestion in his words. Some powder fell onto Christian’s
jeans and Chad brushed it off, purposefully sliding his fingers over the man’s
crotch.
"Oh no. You are not seducing me, you ... you siren. Behave or I'll pull over
and you won't get the surprise." Christian laughed, even though he had to shift
his hips a little to get more comfortable. "You didn't have any plans for
tomorrow, did you?"
Chad’s breath caught in his throat and he slid his hand back, following
Christian’s order. “Is this going to be an overnight adventure?” When he stared
at Christian and the man didn’t answer, Chad sighed. “No, I don’t have any
plans for tomorrow. So, is it?” He set his coffee back in the holder and
snuggled up against Christian’s side, soft smile on his lips.
"If it was, would that be okay?" Christian's arm slid down so he could grip
Chad's shoulder and keep him close. "You know, if I wasn't bringing you back
till say - late tomorrow night." He couldn't stop smiling. Just knowing how
much Chad was going to love the place he'd found was making Christian pretty
damned excited. It didn’t hurt to think of having Chad completely to himself
for a couple of days, either.
“I would say that’s pretty damned amazing,” Chad whispered, closing his eyes
and scooting impossibly closer. Heat burned through him at the idea of being
with Christian all night without worrying about Steve randomly appearing and
asking Christian from some ridiculous thing. He hoped Christian celebrated
every week anniversary in some way, just to have moments like these. “Gonna
nap,” he mumbled after a while, tilting his head up so his forehead rested
against Christian neck.
“You do that. I’ll wake you up when we’re there.” Smiling again, Christian
hummed quietly to the song on the radio.
          [http://pics.livejournal.com/anyothergirl415/pic/0002qyhe]
Chad slept the entire trip. Even though Christian's arm was tingling a bit he
didn't let go of his boyfriend. He had to admit, it was one of the best drives
he'd made in a long time. The radio was playing good old rock and roll, Chad
was warm against his side and the sun was trying to peek through the grey storm
clouds.
Even the impending storm couldn't ruin Christian's mood. He loved storms and
the idea of being with Chad and listening to the rain was perfect. The road got
a little bumpier as he turned onto the road down to the cabin. He'd been there
a long time ago - that was a story that he was certain would amuse Chad. The
place had been renovated and he was sure it was going to be great.
As the cabin came into view Christian smiled down at his boyfriend as the man
murmured sleepily against him. While he slept, Chad had slid down until he was
lying half across Christian's chest. It was kind of adorable.
Grinning, Christian pulled up beside the front porch of the cabin and rolled
his window down. The cool ocean air instantly rolled into the cabin of the
truck and the crashing of waves against the beach was clear and loud. He leaned
back, smoothing his fingers over Chad's hair as the man stirred slowly.
“Wha?” Chad grumbled as he blinked his eyes open, yawning and slowly sitting
up. “We here?” He tugged his glasses from the holder in the dash he’d placed
them in and slipped them on, looking out the windows curiously.
The first thing he saw was the ocean and a grin instantly pulled at his lips.
He loved the ocean. Gaze trailing to the side, Chad tilted his head as he
looked at the sky blue cabin, bordered with large rocks that jutted out at the
sides. On the porch sat a couple comfy looking chairs and the entire thing felt
so secluded and private that Chad was a little shocked.
“Where did you find this place?” he asked in awe, finally turning to look at
his boyfriend. “It’s gorgeous.”
"S'kind of a weird story. I used to date this woman, Tamara. Her Dad owns this
place, and we came out here one weekend to see him. To meet her family. It was
kind of a disaster." Christian laughed at the look on Chad's face. "Anyway, the
short version is that I stayed friends with her father. Nice man - and he was
pretty damn relieved that she dumped me. Easier to stay friends that way. Did
some work on his truck a while back and he said I could have the place for a
weekend if I ever wanted to bring a special girl here."
Laughing louder, Christian dipped down to kiss the end of Chad's nose. "So here
you are, sweetie. You’re my special girl."
Chad rolled his eyes but he laughed, shaking his head. “Wow. Nothing to top off
the romantic setting by calling me your special girl.” He snorted and smacked
Christian’s thigh. “Well it’s stunning, regardless of what you call me. Seems
pretty secluded.” He reached out for the door handle, sliding out of the truck
and looking around the sandy lot, then up at the dark clouds. “Man it’s
gorgeous.”
Leaning over the tailgate, Christian picked up a duffle bag and swung it over
his shoulder. "It sure is. No one for miles, private beach. Just you and me
till tomorrow night." But all Christian was looking at was Chad. The wind was
whipping Chad's hair back and forth, andhis cheeks were still rosy from
sleeping but each time he breathed in a deep breath of fresh air he smiled.
"You like it? I thought you’d like it."
“I love it. I love the ocean.” Chad grinned and turned to Christian, stepping
toward him. “And I’m really loving the sound of just you and me. Whatever will
we do?” he laughed, reaching out to touch Christian’s arm as the man stepped up
to his side.
Humming softly, Christian pressed his lips to the back of Chad’s neck. “I’m
sure we’ll think of something. Listen, the keys are in a little tin under the
bottom step, grab it and let us in?” Stepping around Chad, he threw the duffel
up onto the porch and headed back to the truck for a big plastic bin. He’d
tried to pick out everything they might want for the time they’d be there. He’d
even picked up some fresh fruit and yogurt that was on ice; Chad was always
bitching at him to eat something that didn’t come out of a box.
Stooping down, Chad grabbed the key from its hiding place, and then hurried up
the steps, unlocking the door and pushing it open. The furniture was a lot like
the chairs out front, light colored and comfortable looking. There were large
bay windows in the kitchen overlooking the beach and a large flat screen TV in
the living room, though Chad couldn’t imagine actually wanting to watch TV
while there at the beach.
He felt a little breathless as he walked down the hall to the large master
bedroom. The bed was large and fluffy, nearly filling the entire bedroom. The
entire side wall was made up of floor to ceiling windows and Chad’s breath
hitched as he crossed the room and stood before the glass, pressing his fingers
to the window and staring out at the endless ocean. It was hard not to think
things like, holy shit, I never thought I’d find myself here. And with
Christian, who was simply too much for him sometimes to believe.
"I got apples," Christian said softly. He was leaning against the door frame
and watching Chad. "And yogurt and wine for you, and some soda." Smiling, he
paced over and pressed his hand to Chad's on the glass. "Did I do good?"
“Very good,” Chad murmured and leaned back against Christian, watching the
waves colliding onto the beach. “So good you might deserve a reward,” Chad
hummed and turned to Christian, sliding up against his body and kissing him
deeply. Wine and yogurt? Christian was definitely amazing.
Christian lost himself for a while in those soft lips moving against his. The
scent of his own cologne wafted up from the leather that Chad was wearing and
it sparked a little heat in Christian's chest. Chad was his and he was starting
to believe that things might actually work out for him for once.
Taking a step back, he pulled away from Chad's kiss reluctantly.
"Wanna show you the ocean before the rain starts. Gotta get our feet in it."
Christian pulled his boyfriend back toward the door. "Gonna sleep so good
tonight, with you in my arms and the rain pouring down. The sound of the
waves." Kicking off his boots, he lifted one foot and yanked his sock off then
looked up to find Chad still standing there with a bemused expression on his
face. "Get movin'."
“Yes sir.” Chad saluted and laughed, tugging off his shoes and socks. “So the
beach is completely private? Where’s the closest house?” Chad almost wished
he’d been awake for the last part of the drive just so he could see the area
they were in.
"Miles away. Tamara's Dad is a Tulalip Indian. I ever tell you I'm part
Cherokee?" Christian shrugged. Sometimes it made him a little nervous to tell
people, like somehow they wouldn't believe him, or wouldn't get why it was
important to him.
“Are you?” Chad’s brows rose and he grinned, catching Christian’s hand in his
own as they left the house. “I had no idea. Like, were you raised with any of
the customs and stuff? Or is it just in your heritage somewhere?” Chad hadn’t
ever thought much about where his family came from and he hadn’t known a lot of
people who cared much about their past, but just in case Christian was an
exception, Chad thought he would show that he did care.
“On my Dad’s side, yeah. Not full-blooded or anything. I just figured people
should know where they come from so you can figure out where you’re goin’. Not
that I ever got that part right.” Christian chuckled and pulled Chad down a
rocky path. “Hasn’t changed a bit,” he said, just loud enough to be heard over
the waves. “It’s getting really gray.” His eyes swept over the horizon, and he
wiped at a few drops of rain that hit his cheek.
“Rain is nice. I actually kind of love it.” Chad laughed softly and followed
Christian to the edge of the water. He didn’t have any clothes to change into
if his got wet but that was alright, he’d take any excuse to spend most of the
day naked. “You know Christian, no matter what you might think, you have
changed over the last few weeks. And in a good way. Seems like you’re smiling
more. And you’re not nearly so terrified at the idea of dating. Hell, you did
this for our three week anniversary, that says a lot.” He turned toward his
boyfriend, toes digging in the sand as his arms wrapped around Christian’s
shoulders.
The water was cold but soothing and Christian walked them a little further out,
side-stepping slowly. When the water was slapping against his calves he smiled
and tightened his arms around Chad's waist. "It's slow. I feel a little better
sometimes. Sometimes..." Shaking his head, he turned his gaze out to the ocean.
There were still times when he felt a little over his head, times when the
incessant bitching from Steve wore him down a bit - but out here, this was just
for them.
“Well I’m always here. I’m gonna help hold you up, now,” Chad murmured, not
quite sure if Christian could hear him over the waves. He leaned forward to
capture Christian’s lips, enjoying the way their kisses deepened as the water
splashed over their calves. Kissing in the ocean? It was one of those things
that Chad had never known he wanted, making out with someone while standing in
the ocean. Or maybe it was just being with Christian.
All Christian could hear was the pounding of the waves against the shore and
then the hiss as they withdrew again. He'd grown used to the cold water quickly
but that could be because of Chad. Pressed up against him, Chad was kissing him
with just the right combination of surrender and want and it made Christian's
heart ache a little.
His hands slipped down Chad’s back and settled on the man’s hips. He loved
holding Chad there, running his thumbs along the jut of bone he could feel
through his boyfriend’s jeans. A few more drops of rain splashed onto his face
and he laughed into the kiss, lifting Chad slightly and swinging him around.
“Gonna get soaked,” he said quietly.
Chad laughed, his head thrown back as Christian spun him. “Me?” he snorted,
sinking against Christian’s chest as the man dropped him down once again.
“Sometimes I think you’re too good for me,” he murmured, slipping his fingers
through Christian’s hair. “I know you’ll protest that but just, this. This
thing you’re doing, all of this. It’s so thoughtful and I don’t know if I ever
can tell you just what it means to me.”
Frowning, Christian pulled Chad back to the sand. "I'm not too good for you,
don't say that." Something about it felt wrong, like boots that didn't fit
right, or folding his arms the wrong way. "I just wanna make you happy.
Sometimes, I get these ideas in my head and - and I wanted to be alone with
you. Really alone, not with anyone lurking around." Hand cupping the back of
Chad's neck, Christian smiled and pulled his boyfriend forward into a tender
kiss.
"I wanted you; it's not thoughtful, it's greedy," he added. The rain was
picking up, the small drops warm in the late day air. Christian's hair blew
forward and he stared at Chad for a long time as the dark strands whipped
across his face. “I - wanted you. I … want you.” His fingers moved just under
the jacket Chad was wearing, cool fingertipsfinding their way to the burning
flesh beneath Chad’s shirt.
“I want you to be greedy for me,” Chad admitted quietly, wetting his lips when
his heart quickened under Christian’s touches. He could feel the rush of heat
through his body and he pulled his glasses off, tucking them in the pocket of
the jacket. “No one’s ever really been greedy for me, and I love knowing that
you want me. Almost as much as I want you.” The rain picked up around them and
Chad blinked through the water, surprised he wasn’t feeling the cold, just the
heat from Christian pressed up against him.
"No," Christian shook his head slowly, hand sliding up Chad's side as he pulled
him up out of the reach of the waves. "I want you." Dropping his gaze, he
watched as Chad's teeth pressed down his bottom lip and a rose flush swept up
his neck. Rocking his hips forward, Christian laved the raindrops from Chad's
lips and said once more, "I want you."
“How do you want me?” Chad whispered, voice hoarse as he realized Christian was
talking on a different level. That heat building in him flared to life, burning
strong, and he rocked his hips forward to meet Christian’s next move.
"Like you said, wanna make you mine." The rain tasted earthy and Chad's flesh
was sweet and it was heady and a little intoxicating. Sucking his way along
Chad's jaw, Christian shivered with pleasure. "Wanna fuck you," he whispered
against Chad's ear.
“Jesus,” Chad hissed, his knees nearly giving out. He’d been waiting for what
felt like far too long for Christian to finally ask for this and his head
tipped back to give Christian more room to kiss. “I want that. Wanna feel you
buried in me.” Chad had never wanted anyone the way he wanted Christian. “Want
to spend the next twenty four hours having as much sex as we both can stand.”
"Now," Christian growled. Maybe it was the rain trickling down the back of his
neck or the way the flavour of Chad was on his lips. Maybe it was finally being
alone, not worried that someone might be too near. Maybe it was just Chad and
the way he looked with blond hair plastered to his forehead and cheeks, his
lips already swollen and his skin blotchy from the cool wind.
His hand snapped out and grabbed a fistful of hair and he yanked Chad back into
a hard open-mouthed kiss. Without waiting for Chad to even catch his breath,
Christian thrust his tongue forward into his boyfriend's mouth, leaving no
doubt who was in control.
Chad melted against Christian, letting the man kiss him as deeply as he wanted.
He moaned into the kiss and as Christian’s hands slid down under his clothing
Chad had a bone-shaking moment of realization as it occurred to him that by
now, Christian meant here. “Fuck,” he gasped as he tore back from the kiss,
grabbing Christian’s shirt by the hem and tugging roughly up. “You’re gonna do
it right here, aren’t you? You wanna fuck me on the beach?”
"I'm gonna, no question," Christian growled low in his throat. Shoving at the
leather jacket he threw it up the beach as soon as it slipped off Chad's arms.
Chad's t-shirt was more of a struggle, already half plastered to his body. The
rain was falling harder. Pulling hard on the soft cotton he managed to get it
off and threw it over his shoulder as he curled his fingers over Chad's jeans
and yanked him up toward the jacket.
“God, Christian,” Chad groaned, mind-numbingly turned on by the way Christian
was pulling him around. He already knew this man was going to give it to him
like he’d always wanted but had never had before. All his ex’s had been too
gentle, too sweet, and more often than not, he was the one topping. There was
no doubt in his mind that he would never have to worry about that with
Christian. “Tell me,” he whispered, dipping in to suck rain water off of
Christian’s neck, not even caring if Christian knew what he wanted to hear or
not.
“I want you,” Christian rasped. His hands were all over the rain-damp flesh of
Chad’s body. Wherever he could touch he scraped his nails and squeezed too
hard, dug his fingers in like he was trying to make sure Chad was real - solid
- his.
Wrenching back, Christian pushed his wet hair back off his forehead and just
stared at Chad. “God you’re gorgeous,” he said softly. Swallowing, he blinked
rain out of his eyes and stepped forward again, fingers pulling at Chad’s
button, zipper, then shoved his jeans down. “Get out of these,” he growled.
Chad knew Christian was watching the shudder that rocked through him at the
order. He stopped questioning why it felt so good to be commanded. Instead, he
did as Christian said, shoving his jeans and briefs down and kicking them to
the side. There was something almost sinful about being naked on the beach, out
in the open with the rain soaking over his body and fighting to chill the heat
coursing through him.
Licking the salt water off his lips, Chad stepped forward again and reached out
to slide his fingers up Christian’s side. “You’re overdressed.”
Smirking slightly, Christian reached down and unbuckled his belt, and then
loosened his jeans. "You cold? he asked with a glint in his eyes.
“Pretty sure I won’t be for long,” Chad murmured and shrugged, dragging his
thumb along a rivulet of water worming its way down the middle of Christian’s
chest. His breath hitched as Christian slowly pushed his jeans down and he wet
his lips subconsciously as the silky heat of the man’s arousal sprung free.
Chad was touching before he could stop himself, stroking slow from base to tip.
"Fuck," Christian hissed. Fumbling with his jeans for a second, he straightened
and snatched at Chad's hand. "Don't-" he moaned deep in his chest and felt his
body shudder. Dragging Chad up the beach, he pushed him down onto his knees on
the leather jacket. Kneeling behind him, Christian ran a hand straight up the
center of Chad's back then curved his hands under to pull the man's ass back
toward him.
A low moan rocked through Chad and his body instantly arched back against
Christian’s, his heart skipping a beat. He’d done a lot of imagining of their
first time, how it would be, but the idea of it being on the beach in the rain
had never crossed his mind. It was somehow kind of perfect. “Don’t have to be
gentle.” He half-moaned the words, nearly falling down into the sand when
Christian’s fingers moved over his ass.
"Not gonna," Christian growled. He picked up the lube he'd slipped in his
pocket earlier. When he'd bought it, sex on the beach hadn't even occurred to
him. But Chad, Chad wet and glistening, flushed and ... Jesus. He snapped the
cap open and slicked up two fingers. As he leaned down to suck up the rain
water that was pooling at the small of Chad's back, he shoved two fingers hard
inside his lover. The heat made him moan and his cock jumped, sliding under
Chad's balls.
“Christian, fuck,” Chad groaned loudly and rolled back instantly to meet the
thrust of Christian’s fingers. It was deeper than his own, more than Chad
remembered feeling, thicker and so slick he already felt loose. He sucked in
ragged breaths and worked his body back against Christian’s digits, low moan
constantly rocking through him. God he wanted the man.
"Chad, Jesus - it's-" Words failed Christian. He'd never wanted someone, never
wanted to claim someone like he wanted Chad. Sliding his free hand under Chad's
chest, he pulled back until they were both kneeling. As soon as he could reach
he mouthed his way along Chad's rain-covered shoulder as he slid a third finger
in. Twisting his wrist, he marveled at the heat of Chad's body, the way the man
managed to melt back against him. "Wanna fuck you so bad." Christian's voice
was low, his lips biting hard below Chad's ear as he sought out the small
button of nerves deep inside his lover.
“Then do-” Chad cut off in a sharp and loud moan, piercing the echoing crash of
the waves and patter of raindrops on the rocks. Christian worked hard over his
prostate, stroking and pressing, then pulled back and shoved hard against it
and Chad was absolutely losing his mind. Every touch was just the right side of
too much and Chad’s fingers dug hard into the sand, his head falling to hang
between his arms. “Fuck Christian, fuck.”
Twisting his hips back, Christian yanked his fingers free and wiped his hand
down his aching cock. There was no warning for Chad; Christian slid forward,
guiding himself into the searing heat of his lover. A low cry left his lips and
he folded forward over Chad's back and slammed in hard.
Every muscle in Chad tightened in one moment and he held his breath, the
stretch and burn far more than he’d felt in too long. His lips parted in a
soundless moan and he didn’t move, letting his body adjust to the pressure. As
the sting eased and his vision stopped blurring, Chad inhaled sharply and
clenched his muscles around Christian, wanting to drive him just as insanely
crazy as he himself felt.
Christian's breath caught in his chest as the grip around his cock tightened
and he slid back slowly, savoring every single inch of heat. "God, Chad-
" Another moaned forced its way out and Christian pushed himself up so he could
grasp Chad's hips. Holding his lover still, he slid his cock deep again,
slowly, feeling Chad tense as he tried to push back. "Don't you move," he
ordered.
The desire to obey Christian’s order outweighed the desire to rock back against
his lover and Chad chose not to think about what kind of person that made him.
He twisted his head back as far as he could, catching sight of Christian’s
rippled muscles, his tan skin stretched and glistening with rain water. Looking
up, he watched the man’s damp hair fall back around his shoulders as his head
tipped back and Chad groaned once more. If only he could really watch Christian
fuck into him, that would be the only thing that could make this better.
Fingers splayed wide over Chad's hips, Christian fucked into him slowly. It had
been a long time since he'd felt the heat like this - the want that was
coursing through his body. He was shaking, but Chad was perfect, smooth skin
glistening with rain water.
Everything around them was perfect. The rain beating down on Christian no
longer felt cold; it felt almost like it should be sizzling when it bounced off
his flesh. "Chad," he moaned his lover's name. "Chad."
Withdrawing slowly, Christian reached down and pulled on Chad's shoulder to
roll him over. "I want... I wanna see you," he said almost shyly. It was never
about this for him, never. It was always about getting what he wanted, being
drunk enough to pick someone up - but this was so different. Biting down on his
bottom lip, he hesitated.
Even if it meant laying partially in the sand - and Chad hated sand in his hair
- he wanted nothing more than to give Christian exactly what he wanted. It
didn’t hurt that he desperately wanted it, too. “I was just thinking that,” he
murmured, trying not to whine at the loss.
Flipping over, Chad settled his lower half on the leather jacket and pressed
his elbows into the sand, staring up at Christian with wide eyes, blinking
every few drops of rain away. “C’mere,” he said quietly, spreading his legs for
Christian to slide between.
Lowering himself slowly, Christian slid his fingers around the base of his cock
and guided himself back into the tight ring of muscle. A shudder of a breath
left his body and he stared down into Chad's crystal blue gaze as he rolled his
hips down.
“Jesus,” Chad moaned and fell back into the sand, lifting his hips until his
legs could wrap and lock around Christian’s waist, keeping him impossibly deep
until the man could barely move. “God, you feel so good. Wanna kiss you,” Chad
mumbled, not even sure he could be understood over the other noises surrounding
them.
Christian's lashes fluttered closed as he strained forward to take Chad's lips.
It was all sweet rainwater and heat from Chad's mouth. He thrust his tongue
forward, teasing along Chad's lips, and then pulled it back. Panting, the rain
pelting down on his back, he shifted enough to pull his hips back and found a
rhythm that made Chad moan louder.
The sharp bursts of pleasure that rippled through Chad was making him dizzy,
coursing so strongly that Chad wasn’t sure he’d be able to last. His lips
parted against Christian’s and he moaned as his lover’s tongue slid forward and
circled around his own. Then the next far-too-slow rock of Christian’s hips
forward brought the man’s cock nudging right up against his prostate and Chad
jerked back from the kiss. “Oh god,” he moaned, and tangled his fingers in
Christian’s rain-soaked hair. “Fuck, Christian.”
Christian's body shuddered again. Chad was like liquid under him, moving and
writhing, his hands gripping Christian, then sliding up into his hair. It was
surreal and yet Christian could feel everything like it was the only thing in
the world. As soon as Chad started to fall apart Christian pounded hard against
the same spot time and again.
"God," Christian said against Chad's mouth. "I wanna feel you come, come for
me, baby."
Almost as if Christian’s request was the only thing Chad had been waiting for,
pleasure slammed hard through him and his muscles tightened. He arched hard up
against his lover as his release took hold, his body shuddering even though his
cock hadn’t even been touched. Chad had never come so painfully hard in his
life. His spine twisted up toward Christian as he moaned into the man’s mouth
and clenched tight around him.
The tightening of slick heat around Christian's cock made his rhythm falter.
Sucking in a breath, he thrust hard a handful of times, heart pounding loud in
his ears and then everything kind of spun around him and he came. His body
jerked forward, hips snapping hard against Chad's ass even as he could still
feel Chad's body twitching around him. As his release pulsed deep into his
lover, Christian's body twitched forward until he all but collapsed on top of
Chad.
Chad sucked in a few painful breaths, his fingers stroking absently through
Christian’s hair as the man shuddered through the last of his release. He was
fairly certain he’d never had sex quite this hot before and his heart lurched
at the thought. Shit. It had nothing to do with the semi-public setting, the
rain, the waves. It was Christian, all Christian, and Chad knew there was no
denying just how strongly he felt for the man.
“God,” whispered Christian. “I never-” He wasn’t sure how long he had lay there
on Chad, chest heaving, heart pounding but he eventually slipped to the side.
His arm looped under Chad’s neck and pulled him in for a long, slow kiss. Even
though he couldn’t get out words that would mean something to Chad - fuck - he
could show him what it felt like. He wanted Chad to know about the heat and
emotion that was whirling around inside him.
Chad moaned softly into the kiss and pressed against Christian, his body
cooling under the rain splashing along his skin. As he started to shiver he
pulled back from the kiss, smiling sleepily at his lover. “Don’t suppose that
awesome cabin has a big bath tub?”
Laughing softly, Christian pushed up. “Well, we gotta shower the sand off but
there’s a hot tub off to the side. Turned it on while you were looking around.”
Christian smiled and groaned as he climbed up to his feet. He held out a hand
and hauled Chad up to his feet, as well. “C’mon, let’s get you warmed up.”
“So basically we should just move here and forget about real life; we can go to
the city every Friday or Saturday night so you can perform, sound fair?” Chad
let Christian lead him toward the house, only stopping long enough to get the
coat so his glasses wouldn’t get crushed or lost. “I promise to cook naked
meals for you. Meaning, me being naked, not the meals.”
Christian snagged a t-shirt and a pair of jeans off the sand. He wasn’t even
sure whose they were. “You can do anything if you wanna do it naked.” Laughing,
he dragged Chad up the steps and brushed as much of the sand off of him as he
could. In a matter of minutes they were in the shower and being pelted with hot
water.
Leaning his head back under the hot stream, Christian rinsed out his hair and
then turned them so he could slide Chad back under the water. His eyes lingered
on the graceful curve of Chad’s neck as he rinsed the sand out of his hair and
rubbed the soap on his neck. Shaking his head at how absurdly hot it was,
Christian leaned in to slide his mouth down the front of Chad’s throat.
“God,” Chad whispered and his knees actually weakened. His body was still
humming, the feel of Christian in him still lingering, and Chad had a feeling
he was going to get very familiar with it over the next twenty four hours.
Fingers curving over Christian’s hip, Chad pressed his thumb hard forward and
moaned softly. “You’re going to kill me, you know.”
“No, just want you to know how I feel,” Christian said softly. His heart was
racing at the possibilities, the way that things actually felt good. For once,
he wasn’t waiting for things to fall apart. “Gonna be out in the hot tub, join
me when you’re done.” He grinned and pushed the door open to race through the
cabin.
The hot tub was off at the far end of the front deck at the top of a short
flight of stairs. By the time Christian was settling down onto the seat and
staring out at the ocean, Chad was already racing up the stairs. He held out
his arm and Chad sank into the water and pressed into his side. Closing his
eyes briefly, Christian kissed Chad's hair.
“We should celebrate every anniversary like this,” Chad whispered, smiling
softly at the thought. Of course they couldn’t always - he had school,
Christian had the band - but he could imagine it. Words formed on the tip of
Chad’s tongue but he swallowed them down for now, because it seemed best.
"Or we could just come here whenever." Christian stretched his arm back along
the side of the hot tub and stared up at the sky. "Storm's blowin' over," he
said almost sadly. "Never enjoyed a storm that much before." His lips curved up
into a slight smile. “You?”
“Nope, never enjoyed one so much.” Chad laughed softly and twisted to press a
soft kiss to Christian’s neck. “Wouldn’t say no to making sex in the rain part
of our thing.” He smirked at the thought. Chad was fairly sure he was going to
get hard whenever it rained from here on out.
“I meant...I had a condom. I’m good, I mean-” Christian frowned and rolled his
head so he could see Chad. “It’s been a while,” he said quietly. He wasn’t
entirely sure Chad would believe him, especially after some of the things that
Steve had eluded to.
“Yeah?” Chad met Christian’s stormy blue eyes, a little thrown by just how soft
his voice was. “How long has it been?” He had known Christian didn’t use
protection and at the time he hadn’t felt like protesting; now he was just
trusting that the man wouldn’t put him in harm’s way like that.
"Long time. I know you probably won't believe that but it's true. Months even.
I tried a few times – I let Steve believe whatever he wanted, but just
couldn't." Christian looked back up at the sky, heart racing for a different
reason. "Got tested a while back, just to make sure. I wouldn't have - I mean,
I'd never-" Sitting up, he cupped Chad's cheek so their eyes could meet. "I
don't wanna hurt you."
“I know, I trust you.” Chad smiled softly, pushing forward so their lips could
brush together. “I know you’d never intentionally hurt me. And, I wanted it, I
won’t lie. It’s been a while for me too, but I know I’m clean.” Chad sat back a
little, fingers gently kneading along Christian’s neck. “So how come you
couldn’t?”
Christian dropped his gaze, eyes following the steam as it swirled along the
surface of the water. He shrugged. "Just stopped feelin' good. Too drunk to be
alone, not drunk enough to fuck someone I didn't - " Frowning, he pressed his
lips together for a few moments and then looked up. "This was more than that,
just fucking - it was - it was more."
Something fluttered in Chad’s chest and he opened his mouth, words once more
forming, but as before, he closed his mouth again without speaking. “Yeah, it
was more,” he finally murmured and gently laid against Christian’s side. “A
very good more.”
“Yeah,” Christian agreed quietly. “Would it be okay if-” Christian took a deep
breath. “Would you mind if we didn’t drink tonight?” Frowning, he turned into
Chad’s hair, breathing in the combination of chlorine, rain water and Chad. “I
just... just tonight? I know it’s stupid to ask that...”
“No, it’s not stupid. I’m completely okay with that.” Chad hadn’t ever voiced
his concerns about how much Christian drank but he wondered if the man knew, or
maybe he was concerned about it himself. “We don’t need to drink to enjoy
things. Clearly.” His fingers slid over Christian’s chest and he hummed softly,
content to lay against his boyfriend in the hot water and not think about the
world waiting for them.
“What you thinkin’ about?” Christian’s fingers smoothed over Chad’s shoulder
and he couldn’t help pulling his boyfriend closer.
“Just how much I wish this could be our every day. And maybe how it’s never
felt like this with anyone.” Chad sighed softly, eyes closing as his body
completely relaxed. “You have many boyfriends before?”
“None, really. Had my heart handed to me by a few women. Then it was mostly a
night here and there, a few weeks tops. Tried never to let it get out, you
know? The whole country music thing is hard.” Christian frowned again and
rested his cheek on against Chad’s hair. “I don’t know how big a deal it is,
really. Steve thinks it is.”
“Seems kind of crappy. To do what you love doing but have to sacrifice pieces
of your heart because of it? I’m not sure I could do that.” Chad wrapped his
arm tighter around Christian and slid his leg over the man’s. “Well, you know,
pieces of yourself. I don’t think it should matter. And you know how I feel
about Steve.”
“You just don’t know him. He’s saved my ass a few times, backed me up in a
couple fights and stopped me makin’ really stupid fuckin’ decisions more than
once. What about Jared? He a good friend?” Christian knew that Chad would know
he was just trying to change the subject but they’d never really had a
discussion about Steve and Christian wasn’t sure he was ready for it.
Sighing softly, Chad blinked his eyes open and let his leg slide off
Christian’s. Steve was like a bright glaring light in their relationship and
any time Chad got close to mentioning something Christian never hesitated to
take Steve’s side. It gave Chad a nasty taste in the back of throat. “No, he’s
not really a good friend. He used to be but we hadn’t talked in months before I
called him a few weeks ago.”
Christian sighed as Chad pulled away slightly. "Steve's the only friend I've
got," he said softly. "Before you, I mean, if I told anyone anything it was
him. What am I supposed to do? Just walk away from him?" Turning slightly on
the seat, he studied Chad's face for a sign that his boyfriend understood.
“I didn’t say anything.” Chad met Christian’s gaze, shrugging and looking away
a moment later. “He’s your lifetime best friend and I’m the guy you’ve been
dating for three weeks. I’m not crazy enough to think - I just, I get it. It’s
fine. I’m sure things will settle out after a while.”
"Why'd you move away?" Christian swirled his hand through the water, then slid
his fingers through Chad's. "I don't like it," he added quietly. It was
surprising, the slightest movement away and he got that sick feeling in his
chest like he'd done something wrong.
“I don’t know,” Chad whispered and slid back, laying against Christian’s chest
once more. It was probably better not to talk to Christian about Steve; they’d
never be on the same page.
Christian sighed and slid his hand down Chad’s leg and pulled it back up across
his body. “I get lonely,” he whispered into Chad’s hair. “Kinda feels like
everything is pushing down on me, pressing me into the ground and if I wait too
long I might just fuckin’ disappear.”
Squeezing his eyes shut, Chad wrapped his arm tight around Christian and blew
out a slow breath. “I won’t let you disappear,” he whispered, teeth scraping
over his bottom lip. “Shouldn’t you not be lonely, I mean, if you live with
Steve and he’s your best friend. Shouldn’t he help?”
"Well, we don't, I mean - I can't talk to him like I talk to you." Christian
wrapped both arms around Chad and groaned quietly and he squeezed him hard.
"I'm sorry, I'm just - crazy. I don't know." Forcing a laugh, he kissed Chad's
temple.
“You’re not crazy.” Chad lifted his head and peered at Christian, soft smile on
his lips. “Christian, there’s more to the way you’re feeling. I don’t get it
all, I’m not sure if you get it all, but I swear I’m going to help you however
I can. And you can talk to me about anything, I won’t judge you.”
"Everyone always says that. You know, when I told Steve - well, he kinda just
busted me with someone. He wasn't sure that he'd be able to still be friends."
Christian shrugged and pressed his lips to Chad's forehead. "Kind of freaked
him out."
“What?” Chad’s brows rose and he stared at Christian for a long moment, shaking
his head slowly. “That’s fucked up, Christian. Your best friend wasn’t sure he
could accept you for being gay? How can you defend him? Fuck, if I could just
tell him a piece of my mind, he’d be cowering in the corner like the little
piece of sh-” Chad cut off abruptly, jaw clicking shut together. “Forget it.”
He slumped back against the hot tub, running a hand through his hair in
irritation.
Christian couldn't help laughing. "Holy shit, Chad." He’d never seen Chad quite
that worked up about anything. “You’re all butch and shit.”
Rolling his eyes, Chad failed to find anything amusing about the subject.
“Yeah, well I just find it pretty shitty when someone who has a deep-rooted
love for you is shoved so far into the closet that he can’t even accept you
being gay. Let alone the whole, supposedly best friend thing.”
"Wait, what?" Christian raised his eyebrows and let out a startled laugh.
"Deep-rooted love? And in what closet?" Blinking slowly his smile faded
slightly when Chad's expression didn't lighten. "C'mon, you've got to be
kidding."
“No, Christian, I’m not kidding you. Haven’t you been wondering why he hates me
so much? He’s completely in love with you and he won’t ever admit it to you but
he sure as hell made me aware that I was stepping in on his environment.” Chad
rubbed over his closed eyes, wishing they could just go back to being relaxed
and comfortable. “You’ve seriously never suspected it before?”
Christian's expression softened and his eyes widened as he looked over at Chad.
"He's my best friend - I - he said that it freaked him out when he saw me with
that guy. That it changed how he thought of me. I don't-" Christian sat back
and dragged his hand down his face. "No, no way. What do you mean he made you
aware of it? What happened? You never mentioned anything."
“Of course he didn’t mention anything, Christian, he hates me and his one goal
is to get you to hate me, too.” Chad dropped his hand, staring at Christian for
a moment before shaking his head. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m
starving.” Chad stood and headed for the edge of the hot tub, throwing his leg
over and climbing out.
"Chad?" Christian's heart fell a little. When Chad turned back to look at him,
Christian smiled slightly. "I could never hate you."
Smile soft on his lips, Chad nodded. “Good to know,” he said quietly, not
voicing that he was just the slightest side of nervous. Christian’s devotion to
Steve ran deep. If something happened and Steve managed to drive a wedge
between them, or if Christian had to choose sides, Chad wasn’t sure he’d come
out the winner. “Gonna get some food, you staying out here?”
"No, I'm comin'." Christian smile faded quickly and he stood so he could wade
to the edge of the hot tub. As he climbed out and shivered he made a mental
note to leave some towels by the door. "Brought extra clothes. My jeans won't
fit ya but I brought you some sweats and stuff. And the PJ pants you always
steal." He padded down the stairs behind Chad and reached out to swat his ass.
Chad let out a less than manly squeak and jumped away. “PJs, good.” As they
stepped inside the house Chad reached out and grabbed Christian’s wrist,
pulling him in close. “I’ve just barely got you. I don’t want to lose you,” he
said quietly, dropping his forehead to Christian’s and swaying them softly from
side to side.
Laughing softly, Christian slung his arms low around Chad's hips. "You're
crazy. M'not goin' anywhere. Jesus you're cold," he hissed. Laughing louder,
Christian pulled Chad down the hall and into the bedroom. "Sit," he pushed his
boyfriend down on the bed and disappeared across the hall to the bathroom to
return moments later with a big fluffy towel.
Kneeling down, he shoved between Chad's legs and wrapped the towel over his
shoulders and started to rub him dry. "When I was a kid my mama used to put my
towels in the dryer just before I got 'em after my bath. Funny the things you
remember," he said softly.
Chad smiled softly, trying to picture what younger Christian must have been
like. Chad suspected he had more confidence, and maybe he smiled a little more.
“My mom used to make me hot chocolate and read me the Chronicles of Narnia.
Over and over, we’d read those seven books - I used to have the first chapter
of the Magician’s Nephew memorized. ‘Cause that was my favorite.” Chad
shrugged, rubbing at his eyes to clear the lingering blur from his lack of
glasses. “Always thought I’d read them to my kids one day.”
"You want kids?" Christian's hands stilled for a moment then he dropped them to
rub at Chad's thighs.
“I don’t know.” Chad shook his head, fingers picking at the towel. “I started
college with this grand idea. I thought by my senior year I’d be living with my
long term boyfriend, we’d be planning a wedding, I’d have a job lined up and
I’d be well on my way to a happily ever after.” Laughing weakly, Chad shook his
head harder. “Then I learned that you can’t really plan all that stuff out. So
the kid thing, can’t say yes or no. You... don’t?” he guessed, head tilting to
the side curiously.
"I'd be a shit dad," Christian said quickly. He thought about the mornings he
could hardly drag himself out of bed and all the nights that he was still awake
drinking when the sun came up. "You'd be great, though. You're patient, you
listen - and you get people." Smiling, he pressed Chad's hand between the folds
of the towel and dried each finger carefully.
Chad laughed shakily and stared down at his hands. “I think you have a biased
opinion of me. We’re still in our honeymoon phase. Pretty soon you’re gonna
start bitching about me being too OCD and uptight. Though I’ll admit you seem
to have shaken some of that from me. Normally I would absolutely never miss two
days of school like this.” Chad looked up and smiled at Christian. “Maybe we’re
good for each other.”
Wrapping the towel tightly around Chad, Christian looked up at him. "I think
maybe we are," he said softly. He parted his lips to speak again – to try and
get out everything that was inside him, the way he felt - and instead just
kneeled up to kiss Chad's lips. "Let's get dressed and make some dinner."
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chad decided that the easiest thing to do to keep the peace was to leave Steve
out of the conversation as much as possible. They cooked dinner together, hips,
arms, shoulders and lips brushing as they worked around one another. Christian
decided to make brownies and Chad sat on the counter, kicking his legs against
the cabinet and watching him with a fond smile.
When the man slid a chocolate batter-covered finger between his lips Chad
moaned and sucked on the digit, parting his legs so Christian could step
between them. They ended up tangled together on the kitchen floor where
Christian traced meaningless patterns with batter over Chad’s skin and licked
off every inch. And then they didn’t need to talk because Christian was once
more claiming him and Chad couldn’t get enough.
The rain had long since stopped by the time they rose from the kitchen floor,
so they dressed in sweats and PJs and warm coats and then walked hand and hand
along the beach. They talked about a surprising amount of nothing, sharing past
memories and random thoughts that wouldn’t matter in the long run but were
enough to bring out quiet, warm laughter and fond smiles.
When Chad was finally yawning every half a minute or so Christian laughed and
insisted it was time to sleep. Chad didn’t hesitate to strip down to nothing,
sliding under the blanket and tucking up against the man. His hand laid flat
over Christian’s heart and his head pillowed on his shoulder. “Thank you for
this,” he murmured softly, slipping his leg between Christian’s.
“Was a great day, better night.” Christian buried his nose in Chad’s hair.
“Thank you for... everything.” His heart felt full, warmed up and satisfied and
he really did wish they could just stay there forever.
“Of course.” Chad laughed softly, pressing as flush to Christian as he could
manage. “So what was the highlight? Chad-flavored brownies?” He slowly traced
little hearts along Christian’s skin, confident he wouldn’t recognize the
shape.
"You won't laugh?" Christian's voice was soft, like he was almost afraid that
speaking too loud would shatter the moment.
“Of course not,” Chad whispered as well, breathing in Christian’s clean, honey-
warm smell.
"Walking along the beach holding hands," Christian said. His lips moved against
Chad's hair as he spoke and he pressed a kiss there. He'd never forget that,
never. It was just so easy to be with Chad, tell him anything, or just - not
talk if that's what he needed. For one entire day Christian had felt no
pressure to be or do anything. "That was the best."
“It was pretty amazing,” Chad murmured, his heart fluttering once more. Those
words were there on his tongue again and Chad wanted to say it, three little
words, so easy to say. But he just couldn’t get himself to say it, so he kept
tracing the heart instead. “It’s gonna be one of those things we look back on
months from now and say, “Hey, remember when we were totally sappy on the beach
together?”
"You're always a little sappy," Christian murmured. He took a deep breath and
tugged the quilt up higher and tucked it in behind Chad's shoulder. The sound
of the waves crashing against the shore was amazing; Christian was sure he'd
sleep well there. "Know what I always loved? When I was a kid and my Dad would
take me camping. Sleeping in the tent if it rained. I hated bein' in there
alone unless I could hear the rain. The ocean's like that, too."
“We could go camping sometime,” Chad offered, though he wasn’t sure he could
handle camping. He was maybe a little too dependent on modern necessities. “As
long as you promise to go with me on a cruise someday. I’ve always wanted to
go.”
“If you promise to sunbathe nude, I’m in.” Christian laughed softly. His
eyelids were heavy, and he was pretty sure his heart was beating at the same
time as Chad’s. It was kind of cute and his smile widened.
Chad hummed and slowly nodded. “Nude sunbathing, count me in.” He actually
couldn’t imagine being brave enough for that but whatever, he’d do anything for
Christian, really. “We get to enjoy some time here tomorrow, yeah?” Chad never
wanted this to end.
“Yeah, only takes a couple hours to get home. Gonna make you breakfast in bed.”
Christian nestled down so his nose bumped against Chad’s. “Shhh, sleep. You
were fallin’ asleep on the couch before.”
“Yeah okay,” Chad whispered and tilted up to share a soft, sleepy kiss with his
boyfriend. “Christian?” He hummed as he settled back, mostly draped on
Christian. “I lo- I-” Chad coughed and scrunched his face up. “I’ll see you in
the morning.”
Tilting his head slightly, Christian deepened the kiss for a moment then pulled
back. “Night, Chad.”
“Night,” Chad murmured and closed his eyes. His finger slowly traced a heart
once more and he thought, I love you, but he kept the words to himself.
          [http://pics.livejournal.com/anyothergirl415/pic/0002qyhe]
Christian tossed the duffel bag in the back of the truck and did a double take
when he noticed another pile of shells. He kept finding them. It was like Chad
was trying to take half the beach back with them. Laughing, he scooped the
shells into the side of the truck so they wouldn't blow away once they got on
the road.
“Chad? Get yer ass out here!” He walked around to the driver’s side of the
truck and pulled the door open. Leaning back, he stared out at the ocean. He
had to admit, it was pretty hard to leave.
Sighing softly, Chad finally stepped out of the cabin and locked the door,
tucking the key away in the tin and headed down the stairs. He wanted to stay
longer, even for an extra night, but he knew they had to get back to real life.
“Alright, I’m ready,” he mumbled and tugged open the passenger door, sliding
onto the seat with another dejected sigh.
Slipping behind the wheel, Christian laughed. "It'll be here another time." The
engine seemed too loud when it roared to life and Christian couldn’t resist
rolling his window down to draw in the last of the ocean air. "Was good, yeah?"
He turned to glance at Chad.
“Was more than good,” Chad agreed and smiled over at Christian, resting back
against the seat as they pulled away from the cabin. “We should make a point of
getting away once more, even for just a night, though maybe not always here.
Or, you know, you could actually come stay at my place sometime,” Chad laughed.
He was always giving Christian crap about not staying over, just because the
musician didn’t want to miss anything potentially important at his place.
“Okay, how ‘bout I stay there a couple nights during the week when you gotta
get up for classes? I know you don’t get as much sleep at my place.” Curling
one hand over the steering wheel, Christian reached out for Chad with the
other.
“Sounds fair. Tuesday and Thursday are my early morning class days so Monday
and Wednesday nights.” Chad slid across the seat, tucking against Christian’s
side and smiling. He really liked the idea of having Christian regularly at his
place. “I’ll even clear a drawer out for you, if you want.”
“Alright, Chad. You can give me a drawer.” Christian smiled again and took a
last look at the ocean as they drove down the road. “Was good,” he said softly.
“Was very, very good.” Chad said yet again, not minding all that much that he
had to reassure Christian. He stared down at the man’s lap, fingers tracing
idly over his jeans as they drove further away from the ocean. “So how long is
the drive?” he asked after a while, looking up at Christian’s always
breathtaking profile.
“Couple hours? Why? Ya tired?” Christian’s arm tightened over Chad’s shoulders
and curled his hand up through the man’s hair. “You can rest if you want.” It
wasn’t like he was going to complain about having Chad pressed up against him
for two hours.
“Maybe a little. Just gonna lay here,” Chad murmured and pressed against
Christian’s side, arm sliding across his lap.
They didn’t really talk. Christian had the radio on and occasionally sang with
songs but mostly hummed along. Chad alternated between dozing and listening to
the soft hum of Christian’s voice. His heart was racing for an entirely
different reason than usual.
It had been like this all day, or since last night when he’d almost said the
words that he knew were true. Things were so good between them. Chad didn’t
think saying that he loved Christian would really change things all that much.
How could the man not feel the same, after all? The way their touches sparked,
the quiet comfortableness between them - everything was perfect.
And Christian had changed so much since they began dating, even if it was only
three weeks. He seemed so happy, so content, a smile lingering on his lips even
now when it seemed unconscious.
Chad watched the street signs go by. Only thirty or so miles until they got
home. Chad would have to catch up on school, and Christian had a gig in a few
days so he’d be rehearsing. It was kind of one of those things, now or never,
and though Chad had said this to someone before, it felt like a really big
deal.
Maybe because of just how true it was.
“Christian?” Chad said softly, swallowing a laugh when the man jumped slightly.
“Sorry, did I surprise you?”
“Thought you were sleepin’. Almost home,” Christian said quietly. He shifted a
little, moving his arm to try and get some of the circulation back in it.
“Yeah I know.” Chad shifted and took Christian’s arm, sliding it off his
shoulders and gently rubbing over the muscles he was sure were sore. “I... I
kind of wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Sure, you gotta stop somewhere?” Christian moaned slightly when Chad’s fingers
dug into his bicep. “Right there is good,” he said.
“No stopping.” Chad laughed quietly and focused on massaging the areas that had
Christian moaning louder. “It’s just, I wanted to say something.” He sighed and
knew he had to just push forward and say it. Leaning forward, he pressed a soft
kiss to Christian’s cheek and kept his voice quiet. “I love you, Christian.”
Christian's heart did the strangest thing inside his chest; less than a beat
and more than a flutter and then he felt kind of like it was just going to stop
completely. He realized he had swerved toward the edge of the road and
overcompensated, sending the truck in a kind of lurch back into the lane.
"Sorry -was- I just..."
There wasn't anything he could say. Just one sentence and all the crap that
he'd been trying to push away came crashing back down on him. He would fuck
everything up - it was inevitable and if Chad felt like that - if Chad loved
him...
Shaking his head slowly, Christian smiled nervously. "You don't have to say
that." He shoved at Chad's hand playfully and leaned down to turn the stereo
up. "I love this song," he called out over the music.
Chad had considered a few reactions he might get from Christian. The most
simple had been I love you, too. The more complex had been Christian admitting
he wasn’t quite ready to say the same in return and Chad was okay with that. He
knew it was a big thing and if Christian had never felt it before, saying it
would be hard.
This though? Completely blowing it off, turning up the music and acting as if
Chad had just cursed him and all his friends? Chad wasn’t prepared for that.
The shock had his eyes pricking and his mouth going dry. He swallowed thick and
painfully and pulled his glasses off, rubbing them hard on his shirt.
He slid across the bench to the passenger seat and stared out the window,
determined not to show Christian how much that particular reaction had shaken
him. It was okay. So, Christian wasn’t ready for that just yet. Chad should
have known better. He did this a lot, rushed into falling in love and if there
was one thing his past had taught him, it was that it often didn’t do any good.
So if Christian couldn’t say it back, or couldn’t even deal with hearing it?
That was just fine.
Christian’s hand was gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles
were white. Reaching back down he turned the stereo down again and reached out
to tug at Chad’s sleeve. “Chad?”
“I’m fine,” Chad said quietly, slipping his hand up to rub at the sting along
his eyes and clearing his throat. “Thought you liked this song.”
"I do," Christian said quietly. His hand was shaking when he moved it to the
steering wheel. "Chad? I can't- I mean, there are things that you still- fuck."
Christian slammed his hand against the steering wheel. If there were ever a
time he wished that he actually wasn't as fucked up as he thought, it was right
then. Chad was amazing. He was exactly the kind of guy that would make a great
partner, someone to spend a life with, not just weeks. And still - Christian's
mind was whirling with all the things that could go wrong - would go wrong as
far as he was concerned. He settled on "I'm sorry."
“Why?” Chad laughed too loud and high pitched. “I was the one- I shouldn’t have
said that.” Chad turned further away as the stinging in his eyes turned to
watery tears that blurred his vision. “I know that you’re- it’s just too much.
I knew that. So, I’m sorry. Just forget I said anything.” Chad wiped his eyes
on his sleeve, suddenly praying they’d get to his apartment just so he could
hide until he stopped feeling the ache in his chest.
They drove in silence the last block and pulled up in front of Chad's
apartment. "Don't do this," Christian said firmly. "It's good what we have,
this, what we're doing - it doesn't need to be more." Shaking his head, he
looked out the side window because he was afraid to see the look on Chad's
face.
“It doesn’t need...” Chad repeated slowly, turning to look at Christian even if
it would show the man just how upset he was. “But. I thought it was more. You
said it felt like more. I thought you felt...” Chad’s lips trembled so he
rolled them together and exhaled slowly through his nose, reaching out for the
door handle. “Alright then. Guess I just got the wrong idea.” The words caught
on something pained in the back of his throat and he stared out at the blurry
shape of his apartment building.
“Chad, I did say that and I meant it - but - I can’t do more. I just can’t. I
don’t even know if I’m capable. I just want this - I want what we have-” He
turned and finally saw the tears on Chad’s cheeks and he felt a chill of
regret. “I’m sorry, I just - I’m no good at this kind of stuff. I said I’d fuck
it up.” Closing his eyes against the swell of ache and fear, Christian
tightened his grip on the steering wheel once more.
“Okay,” Chad whispered, his voice tight and pained. He wished he hadn’t said
anything at all. Things would still be good. He’d be kissing Christian goodbye
and probably trying to convince him to come upstairs for a while. Instead he
felt like everything was falling apart and Chad found himself doing the very
thing he’d told himself he’d never do. “It’s okay. We can do what we have. I
won’t- you know, I won’t push things. It can be just us having a good time like
we did.” Chad nodded, looking over at Christian almost desperately. “We can
still do that, right? You can just forget I said anything at all.” Please,
because I can’t lose you yet.
Christian nodded stiffly and glanced at Chad before looking back out the front
window. It hurt like a fucking kick in the gut to see Chad so upset, so
desperate and Christian knew it would only get worse. "Yeah, sure," he
murmured. "Don't forget your shells in the back of the truck."
For a moment Chad felt like screaming because really? That was all he got?
Don’t forget your shells? He had thought Christian had to feel something, even
the littlest of things, but he sat for a full minute in the truck with no
follow up and finally had to push the door open. “Okay. So, so, I’ll see you
soon? At your gig? Or I could come over, tomorrow?” Chad slid out of the truck
and stared back in at Christian, his heart lurching with each painful beat.
Finally looking back over at Chad, Christian tried to smile. “I’ll phone you
later tonight. Got some stuff I gotta do.” His hand fell to the seat, lifted
and then dropped back to the seat. Chad had never said good bye without kissing
him and suddenly that seemed huge.
“Okay.” Chad nodded and gripped the edge of the door so hard it hurt.
“Christian,” he whispered and dropped his gaze because his eyes were tearing up
again. “Can you just- can we- will you-” Chad huffed, annoyed that he couldn’t
finish a sentence and shook his head. “Please,” he looked up at Christian and
half stepped toward the truck, inhaling heavily, begging with one look alone
that Christian would do something to make this ache more tolerable.
"What do you want from me?" Christian hadn't meant to raise his voice but his
heart was aching so badly it felt as though it was going to burst. The last
thing he wanted to do was tear up, lose it in front of Chad and show the man
just how much Christian knew he was going to lose.
“God,” Chad sucked in another sharp breath, looking up at Christian with wide
eyes. “I just wanted a kiss goodbye.” He shrugged helplessly and stepped back,
shutting the door of the truck. If he hadn’t opened his big fat mouth then
everything would be fine and Chad only reached into the back to grab the shells
because he wanted one little thing to remind him that the past twenty four
hours really took place.
"Chad?" Christian called out but Chad didn't turn back and as he headed up the
sidewalk, Christian grimaced at the pain that was burning its way up his
throat. "Fuck," he whispered.
          [http://pics.livejournal.com/anyothergirl415/pic/0002qyhe]
Christian drove automatically as he headed home from Chad’s. He’d made the
drive so many times but always felt a hell of a lot better than he did that
morning.
For the first few blocks he concentrated on fighting the urge to turn around
and head back, race up the stairs and pound on Chad’s door. Then he tried to
focus on getting home.
The ache in his chest didn’t ease off much but by the time he pulled into his
driveway he figured he could at least hold it together.
He threw the front door open and it slammed hard against the wall.
“Jesus Christ, Kane, you scared the shit outta me.” Steve had appeared at the
end of the hall shortly after Christian closed the door.
“Sorry, wasn’t payin’ attention,” Christian muttered.
“You alright?” Steve took a few tentative steps closer.
“I need a drink.”
“Can do,” Steve said, slinging his arm over Christian’s shoulder and heading to
the living room.
Half an hour later Christian wasn’t feeling much pain. Each time he had clinked
his glass against Steve’s he’d sunk a shot of whisky and pushed himself a
little further away from the tangled mess of feelings inside him.
“Kane! Jesus.”
“What?” Christian rubbed at his eyes as he tried to focus on Steve’s face.
“Was tryin’a tell you somethin’,” Steve muttered.
“What?”
“The Chad thing. It’s crazy sayin’ you love someone at three weeks. You see
that, right?” Steve’s eyes were kind of droopy, the alcohol obviously catching
up with him as well.
Christian tossed back the rest of his drink. “I don’t think it’s that bad -
it’s just, feelings and who the fuck knows when it’s the right time.”
“What are you thinkin’, man?” Steve shook his head slowly.
“I’m not thinkin’ anything, I’m just-” Christian leaned forward and set his
empty glass on the table for Steve to refill. “What if he’s the one? What then?
I just-”
Groaning, Steve held up his hand. “What are you? Fuckin’ Cinderella, now? He’s
not the one, Christian. He doesn’t know you.”
Christian blinked a few times and looked up at his friend. “He knows me, he’s
different-”
“You tell him about the accident?” Steve sank back against the sofa and raised
an eyebrow.
Eyes snapping up, Christian frowned. “That doesn’t matter.”
“You didn’t tell him. He doesn’t know shit about you, Kane. You can’t even tell
him that and it’s big shit, man.” Steve nodded, satisfied and reached out to
squeeze Christian’s shoulder.
“Just... just shut up, Steve. It’s in the past. You said yourself, what
happened back then was different - no one here knows me and I started over,
yeah?” He gave up waiting for Steve to pour him another drink and filled his
glass half full. He stared at it for a few moments and filled it the rest of
the way.
“The point is Kane, you won’t ever tell him - so there you go. That, my friend,
is not love. Sure, he’s a nice guy and all sweet and shit - but you really
think he’d think the same way about you if he heard that story?” Steve laughed
and held his empty glass out.
“You don’t know everything,” Christian said quietly.
“I know more about you, Kane, than you know yourself. I’m your best friend.
Always have been, always will be. Things like that accident don’t mean shit to
me.” Steve leaned a little closer and slid his arm around Christian’s
shoulders.
For some reason Christian pulled away slightly. It just felt all wrong. Chad’s
words kept nipping at the edges of his mind. Had he missed something with
Steve? Lifting his glass to his lips, Christian downed half of the harsh amber
liquid. “Yeah, you know me, Carlson.”
Laughing, Steve sat back again.
Checking his watch, Christian squinted as he tried to make out the numbers.
“Gotta make a call, I’ll be back.” As soon as he stood he stumbled slightly and
had to catch Steve’s shoulder to stay upright. “Jesus,” he murmured.
Heading down the hall carefully he could hear Steve’s laughter. “Fuck off,” he
muttered as he stumbled slightly and bumped into the door frame as he tried to
get his door open.
Stuffing his hands in his pockets he hunted around for his phone and pulled it
out. Sinking down onto his bed, he pulled up Chad’s number and hit send then
fell back onto the soft mattress.
Chad had spent the good majority of the afternoon alternating between sorting
through the sea shells and bursting out in random sobs. He wasn’t sure why he
was so upset, really. Sure, Christian hadn’t said it back - had basically
rejected the words - but Chad had already known that he tended to feel stronger
and more intense than most people. And really, he’d thrown himself heart first
into this thing with Christian, he’d given all he possibly could to make the
man smile and laugh and be better.
In some ways, Chad thought he had held their relationship up with both hands
and now it felt like Christian had shoved those hands away and everything was
threatening to fall apart. So when his phone rang and Christian’s name flashed
on the screen, Chad wasn’t entirely sure he should answer. For the last hour
he’d been curled up in a ball on the couch, inhaling the lingering scent of
Christian on the shirt he wore and losing himself in something close to
exhaustion.
Chad answered, though, because it was Christian, and even if he was about to be
dumped, at least he’d hear the man’s voice one last time. “Hello?” He nearly
whispered the word, trying not to sound like the dejected puppy he was
currently playing.
"Chad," Christian's voice was thick and he cleared his throat. "I was just, I
was talkin' 'bout you and I remembered - said -that I said I'd call." Flopping
his arm over his eyes, Christian took a deep breath and focused on trying to
stay awake.
It was like a punch in the gut to hear Christian’s slurred words. The guy was
drunk, probably more than a little, and Chad felt responsible for it. He’d
never felt responsible for Christian’s drinking before - it was a horrible
feeling. “Okay,” he said quietly and let the shirt drop from where it was
covering his nose. “You- are you just hanging out?”
"Yeah, just talkin' to Steve. Then he kinda pissed me off so I remembered to
call you." Somehow that had made more sense in Christian's head than it did
when it came out his mouth. "Anyway, called to say g'night." It was a little
harder than he'd thought to hear Chad's voice. Even though it sounded a million
miles away it was too close and tugged at something heavy and dark in
Christian's chest.
“Oh,” Chad whispered around a slowly inhaled breath. He could feel the tension
between them even over the phone, a heavy weight that only sank with words like
Steve and g’night. Like this was completely normal. Like Chad didn’t feel like
he’d already ruined the best thing he’d ever had. “Thanks. I’m glad you
remembered,” he murmured and it wasn’t a lie, he’d still take hearing
Christian’s voice even if it came with heart-aching pain.
"So, yeah." Christian groaned as he rolled over onto his side and blinked
across the room. "It's late. You got classes tomorrow?" He heard Steve call his
name and slid the phone down to his chest. "I'll be out in a minute, shut up,"
he called out.
Chad stared at the far wall with wide eyes, trying not to feel sick to his
stomach. He’d always felt like the most important thing in Christian’s life
when the man called him and losing that was just another blow. “Yeah, class
tomorrow. I could come over after, you could play some music for me while I do
homework?” They’d done it before; Chad closed his eyes and hoped for something
so normal.
Christian paused a few moments, listening to the sound of music starting up in
the living room. "Maybe, I- well, the band's got that gig on the weekend and I
gotta make sure I know what's goin' on." Christian closes his eyes and pressed
his fingers hard against them.
“Oh.” Chad instantly felt tears prick at his eyes and he blew out an annoyed
breath, unfolding from the couch and pushing up to his feet. He paced through
the living room to the kitchen, tugging the door open and peering inside. There
was a bottle of whiskey in the freezer, left over from the last time Christian
was over, and Chad grabbed it. Why the hell not? If Christian could drink, so
could he. “Fine.” He said sharply, too sharp, when the line just remained
silent. “Guess I’ll just, see you around then.”
Frowning slightly, Christian opened his eyes and his fingers moved
automatically to the t-shirt that was lying across the top of the bed. It was
Chad's. Curling his fist tight into the material, Christian pulled it up to
nose for long enough to draw in some of the familiar scent. Jaw clenched, he
held the phone away from his mouth as he sighed heavily. "Yeah. Okay, Chad."
“Christian,” Chad half gasped, coughing around the sharp burn of the shot he’d
just tipped back. It burned and clawed its way down Chad’s throat he coughed
louder, slamming his fist down on the counter. No, apparently he couldn’t drink
like Christian. “We’ll see each other again, right? We- we’re still together,
yeah? Please don’t let my mistake ruin us. Please- I just - I’m not ready to
lose you and I thought you felt the same. The losing thing. Not, not the love-
well. You know.” Chad knew he was rambling and begging, but he didn’t really
care much.
"No mistake. There was no mistake," Christian said thickly. Chad was killing
him. One little piece at a time, tearing down all the safeguards that Christian
had set up even as he was fighting to shore them up again. "Everything's fine,"
he said quietly.
Everything was about as far from fine as it could be and Christian knew that
they both knew it. Christian didn't bother pointing out that he'd warned Chad,
that he'd said all along that he was no good. "'Sides, you'll be at the show,
right?"
The show was three days away, which basically meant Christian wasn’t suggesting
they make plans before then. They’d seen each other nearly every single day
over the last three weeks, they’d had a perfect twenty four hours at the beach,
and then Chad had fucked up. Jesus he hated himself for that and he had to pull
the phone away from him so Christian wouldn’t hear the half broken sob. He was
also, apparently, very lame.
Taking a deep breath, Chad brought the phone up to his ear and prayed Christian
wouldn’t hear the tears in his voice. “I’ll be there.”
Christian squeezed his eyes shut tight. "Okay, good. I like-" He cleared his
throat and pushed up. "Jesus," he hissed. "I'm wasted, I should probably - I
gotta make sure Steve is okay, get him into bed. When he sleeps on the couch he
fucks up his back." All the words were coming out and they just didn't mean
shit anymore. What Christian really wanted was to tell Chad to come over, or
just close his eyes and feel his boyfriend slide into bed behind him. It just
wasn't going to happen. Not this time. "Anyway, have a good sleep."
“Christian,” Chad half sobbed the name and slammed his fist hard on the
counter. “Okay. Fine. Good night.” He couldn’t bring himself to hang up first
just in case Christian said anything, just one thing, to make him feel better.
He almost didn’t believe that yesterday at this time they were having sex for
the first time on the beach and Chad was thinking he would never need anyone
else in the world.
"Chad?" Christian took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. "You'll be okay. I
know you'll be okay." Christian's heart was tearing in two and he just couldn't
take another word. The sound of Chad's voice was slicing him apart. "Night," he
managed to get out before ending the call and throwing his phone hard against
the wall.
There were a lot of really bad things happening in Chad’s life at that moment,
like sinking to the floor because his knees just wouldn’t hold him up, or the
way it felt like his heart had just been ripped out of his chest. But the worst
thing, he thought, was the fact that all he wanted to do was get in his car and
drive to Christian’s and get on his hands and knees to beg Christian to not end
this.
Chad wasn’t sure when he slept, or moved, next. But he knew even if he shut
himself off and never left his apartment it wouldn’t matter. Because there was
no one who would even notice that he’d gone missing.
And still, Chad was going to go to that damn concert. Maybe he was a glutton
for heartache or something.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!