Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/169751.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Choose_Not_To_Use_Archive_Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Numb3rs
  Relationship:
      Ian_Edgerton/Charlie_Eppes
  Character:
      Ian_Edgerton
  Additional Tags:
      Drabble, Child_Abuse, Community:_numb3rs100
  Series:
      Part 159 of A_Silk_Pillow
  Stats:
      Published: 2011-03-12 Words: 300
****** Things Not Remembered (#196 Strength) ******
by ladygray99
Summary
     It’s Ian’s raw strength of mind that lets him not remember.
Notes
     Warning: Previous underage sexual abuse. Mental health problems.
     Okay everyone the next twenty or so drabbles are an arch that is
     going to go into Ian's past. It's going to touch on abuse and go into
     serious mental ill-health. Bradford’s going to put in a good sized
     appearance. Just a warning. I don't want to trigger something in
     someone else. That being said I’d really like people feelings on
     these drabbles. They weren’t as easy as I would have liked.
The thing is Ian remembers but he doesn’t remember. His mind doesn’t let him.
He remembers how comforting hugs turned into touches, turned into sex, turned
into a collar and leash, turned into beatings, meals on the floor, if he was
good.
He remembers but he doesn’t. He remembers like it happened to someone else,
like it was something he read, like the case file of some poor kid not him.
He remembers going to school, he’s not sure how but he did. He can’t imagine
how no one noticed the silence, the weight loss but he can’t remember anyone
ever asking. Not that he would have told. It doesn’t matter though. In Ian’s
mind it happened to someone else, not him.
He remembers but he doesn’t the taste of gin, the feel of pills slipped between
his lips, looking over seeing a needle and ink begin to crawl across his arm.
Ian remembers what He said. Ian refuses to think His name. What He said was
‘You’re mine, this makes you mine, I own you, always, my perfect toy, you
earned this, you want this.’ That’s what He said.
Ian remembers but doesn’t feeling loved in that moment.
Ian remembers but doesn’t the final beating His fists coming down again and
again.
Ian remembers but doesn’t waking cold in an alley, naked, a few clothes tossed
in a bag, His idea of mercy.
Ian’s mind doesn’t let him properly remember this and that’s how he gets
through his days, how he eats and sleeps and works and lets Charlie touch him.
Then a dark haired boy is found dead in a park with rope burns and whip marks,
and His mark drawn on the boy's arm. And Ian’s strength of mind begins to slip
and he begins to remember.
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