Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1153907.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Eren_Yeager, Mikasa_Ackerman, Hange_Zoë, Armin
      Arlert, Jean_Kirstein, Sasha_Blouse, Erwin_Smith
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Humor, First_Kiss, First_Times, Frottage, anime_continuation, No
      Manga_Spoilers, Levi's_POV, Older_Man/Younger_Man, Explicit_Consent,
      Kissing, Snogging, seriously_they_spend_most_of_a_chapter_making_out
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-01-26 Completed: 2014-02-05 Chapters: 11/11 Words: 24332
****** These Weren't Memories ******
by mongoose_bite
Summary
     Eren Jaeger had spent the last two weeks tending and nursing a huge
     fucking crush, and Levi had been the one stupid enough to plant the
     seed in whatever hormonal abscess passed for a teenaged heart.
Notes
     So, I've not been in an anime fandom for quite a few years now, and
     I've certainly never written fic for one. But these two characters
     basically demanded I write about them, although nailing Levi, in
     every sense of the word, is really goddamn difficult. I had fun
     writing it, anyway. I hope you enjoy.
***** Chapter 1 *****
They appeared mere days after Annie had been captured, or had escaped,
depending on your definition. The Survey Corps were still within Wall Sina;
Erwin was arguing their case, and Eren was being kept under close observation
in the meantime. Erwin seemed to think they'd get to keep him for now at least,
but Levi hadn't been convinced. Not until now, anyway. He was in the city
observing the survivors picking through the rubble, and the Military Police
scrambling to deal with the aftermath of the titan fight. There was always so
much to do; dead to bury, buildings too damaged to be safe had to be destroyed,
streets had to be cleared and the homeless housed and fed.
It wasn't something the Survey Corps had an official part to play in, but he
could see the odd green cloak among the Military Police, lending a hand where
it was needed.
He was technically on medical leave, which in reality meant only that Erwin
could send him out to observe without having to explain his absence at the
meetings. His ankle was still healing, and he wasn't stupid enough to pretend
it didn't need a week or two of rest, so he was on horseback. At least until he
saw the sheets of paper pasted to the filthy wall of an alleyway between two
buildings. He dismounted, his ankle twinging in his boot when it hit the
ground, and walked over to take a closer look.
Erwin would want to see this. Unfortunately.
The paper was pasted to the wall by some sort of glue, and trying to touch it
as little as possible, Levi used a pocketknife to help scrape it off before
folding it up neatly and putting it in his pocket.
“Have you seen these?” he asked Erwin later, during a recess. He'd caught his
superior's eye and Erwin had led him to a random office and ordered out the
underling who'd been filing paperwork inside.
Neither of them were at ease here; in its own way the capital was as dangerous
as the world beyond Wall Rosa, only the threats were more subtle, and couldn't
be dealt with by a blade to the neck. Erwin expected Levi to play the same role
he always did; the superhuman soldier, loyal and obedient to the Survey Corps.
Along with the pride and respect, Erwin cultivated fear as well, not overtly,
but just enough. Levi is on my leash, he seemed to say, aren't you glad you're
not the one trying to control him? And now Eren was added to his arsenal of
tame monsters. It was no wonder he was disliked in the capital, but the Titans
were more of a threat than he was.
For now.
Erwin stood with his back to the window and unfolded the sheet of paper.
Crudely and hastily printed was a rough approximation of Eren's titan face, and
underneath it four words.
He's On Our Side.
“This opinion is not uncontested,” Levi added. “Plenty of the posters have been
defaced or torn down.” He knew better than to expect politics would wait for
the clean-up effort to be completed.
“This was always to be expected,” Erwin said. “The debate over Eren's nature
has only shifted from the courtroom to the streets.”
If the mass of public demanded Eren's head, Levi knew they'd get it in the end,
but the posters on the wall suggested that Eren represented something other
than fear; hope. Nothing had truly sunk in yet; the news would still be
spreading, and people would still be making up their minds how to react.
“Let's not worry Eren with it for now,” Erwin said.
Of course, he found out anyway.
Everyone had been questioned and re-questioned, but in the end Eren was left in
the hands of the Survey Corps, and they could finally return to HQ. Levi
hesitated to think of anywhere as 'home' but he was looking forward to
returning to a place where he was in charge of the cleaning schedules, and he
wouldn't have people coming up to him and asking if he was who they thought he
was. He'd still get stared at, but that was less bothersome.
Eren had bounced back physically; Hange had told him that was to be expected,
but there was too much left undone, too many questions without answers and too
many dead left rotting in the fields beyond Wall Rose for the young man to be
anything approaching normal.
They'd given him a nice enough room, at least, in one of the governmental
mansions set aside for visitors of importance. Eren was sitting on the edge of
his bed, his elbows on his knees, staring blankly at the floor when Levi went
to see him. Levi knew his friends visited him regularly, and it was probably
they who'd given him the torn poster that was sitting on the side table.
“Corporal.” Eren got to his feet. He was clearly itching to get out of here,
and Levi didn't blame him.
“We're moving out,” Levi said. “Within the hour.”
Tension visibly drained out of him, his shoulders lowering and his hands
relaxing. “And Annie?”
Levi just shook his head. Hange had been requisitioning the most bizarre
things, but had yet to find a way to free her.
“You're not a prisoner any more, you're a soldier,” Levi said. “So smarten up
before someone sees you.”
“Sir!” He saluted as Levi turned to go. He really was keen to get out of here.
“And one more thing,” Levi said, indicating the poster. “Don't let that go to
your head. There's a good chance any mobs you meet will be waving pitchforks,
not tossing bouquets.”
“I wasn't-” Levi closed the door.
Any concerns that Eren might start thinking too much of himself were laid to
rest on the trip home. Levi heard him muttering to himself as they rode out of
the capital, anonymous in their uniforms and cloaks.
“I did that. I did that.” He couldn't sit still in the saddle, instead turning
and staring at ruined buildings until they were out of sight.
Eren met his eyes once, looking for reassurance or absolution and Levi refused
to give it to him. They all do what is necessary, and they all have to learn
how to live with it. Levi couldn't just wave his hand and give Eren a perfect
method of coping. Even if he could, he didn't really want to see Eren following
in his footsteps; they were too different and that road would probably break
him.
They'd given themselves no time. As soon as they'd returned from the doomed
57th expedition they'd barely had time to scrub off the blood and throw
together a plan before heading in to the capital.
There had been no time to bury the dead, or even mourn them.
Eren returned to his dungeon.
Erwin had a complex method of promotion that swung into action after every
expedition to fill the holes left by the dead, but this time even he struggled.
The loss of the Special Squad was felt keenly by everyone and it would take
time to find replacements. Levi found himself just stopping sometimes, just for
a moment, startled by some new lack. Then he moved on.
There were two services, and Levi attended them both. The first was for the
public, and he stood among the weeping families and friends of the deceased,
less distressed by the occasional resentment that was directed towards him than
by the compassion. Erwin attended as well, along with a few others who were
closest to the deceased, and Levi stood stoically; he'd heard the funeral
service so many times he knew it off by heart, and he let it wash over him.
He was not a believer, but he always appreciated the music.
The Survey Corps had their own memorial, that was shorter and less
demonstrative. Levi remembered Eld saying once that they were held not only for
the dead who had died, but those dead who were still alive as well. They were
for everyone.
Eren wasn't there. Levi noticed Mikasa and Armin exchanging worried glances as
they assembled for the service, and he narrowed his eyes and strode down to the
dungeon.
Eren was standing in the middle of his room, in uniform, his hands clenched at
his sides and his wide green eyes staring blankly ahead of him. Internally Levi
braced himself for yet another thing that had to be done, one of an endless
list.
“What are you waiting for?” Levi asked flatly.
“I can't,” he said quietly, still not meeting Levi's eyes. “I don't deserve to
be up there, if I'd just-” He looked at him then, pleading once again for Levi
to understand.
Of course he fucking understood, but Levi didn't blink. He stepped right up
into Eren's personal space, looking down at him despite the hight difference.
Eren flinched, as if expecting a punch, and Levi wasn't surprised.
“Listen, you arrogant little shit,” Levi intoned. “I don't care how you feel;
this isn't about you, it's about them. Or didn't they earn your attendance? Is
your indisposition more important?”
Eren inhaled sharply, and Levi half expected he'd start crying then and there,
but he managed to hold it, just. Others might have accused Levi of being
heartless; it happened quite regularly, but Eren was more aware than that, and
he simply hung his head. Stop reaching out for me, Levi thought. He was tired.
“No, Corporal. I understand.” Eren set his jaw and marched out. Levi let him
go. He wouldn't follow on his heels like he was a sheepdog, he'd let the others
think Eren was merely late rather than make it obvious Levi himself had to
fetch him. But fetch him he had to do, he had to be there; Levi knew he'd
regret it far more later if he wasn't.
Levi stood through another service. He barely felt the weight of others' eyes
on him. After the service, the group split up, some people to mourn alone and
some looking for comfort in small groups. Sasha, tears still streaking her
face, declared she was going to have a snack and no one was going to stop her.
No one tried.
Levi heard quick footsteps behind him and he paused to let Eren catch up and
say what he had to say.
“I don't care about being seen as some sort of hero,” he declared abruptly.
Startled by the topic, Levi said nothing, even as he doubted the truth of his
words. “It's enough that people think I'm human! So when I go back afterwards-”
he trailed off when he saw the expression on Levi's face.
Oh. Oh, that's what he thought, was it? Of course he did.
Levi realised Eren thought it was going to end. He'd spent the first ten years
of his life shielded by the walls, and for him war was an unnatural state of
affairs. Something to survive and live through until you came out the other
side. He thought he could win; he assumed he would win.
Stupid brat.
Levi didn't have to say anything, Eren could see the truth written on his face.
Nearly twenty years of fighting had resigned Levi it its perpetual burden.
But Eren couldn't be anyone other than himself and he drew a deep breath. “No,
it's different now. I have this power, and we have Annie, so. So.” He nodded,
“I will kill the titans and it will end. I'll prove it to you!” And then he
dashed off without waiting to be dismissed. Levi watched him go, feeling very
tired and very old.
He didn't want Eren to waste his time trying to prove things to him, but he
didn't want him to hollow out inside so much that he stopped trying, either.
The next morning they ate breakfast at a table that was far too big for the
both of them, but none of the other recruits were quite game to join Eren while
Levi was there. Next time, he decided, he'd eat somewhere else.
Something was missing. Every morning, Oluo had gallantly and specifically
offered to make Petra a cup of tea, and every morning he ended up having to
make one for everyone. It was an all but wordless team ritual to start the day.
And he memorised everyone's preferences perfectly.
Today, no one was making them tea.
Levi heard a soft, stifled squeak and noticed Eren was getting salt water in
his porridge, as the tears he'd seen building in his eyes finally overflowed.
“They're really gone,” he said through a jaw clenched so hard it was wonder he
didn't crack a tooth. Nothing brought the truth of it home quite like an
orderly routine disrupted.
Silently, Levi got up and made Eren a cup of tea, sweet, the way he liked it.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Hange wanted to know about Annie. Eren dutifully went over every conversation
he could remember, every action she'd made. It was repetitive, and, every time
Levi glanced in to see how it was going, seemingly pointless. Eren just looked
more frustrated and bewildered each time.
Annie complicated the world in a way Levi did not like. Eren complicated it
too, but Levi understood Eren; he was easy to understand, and while a loss of
control was always a possibility, Levi honestly didn't think it was likely.
Eren was human, far more human than Levi himself.
Eren didn't stop talking, and Hange didn't stop listening. Eren clearly wanted
to understand, and even perhaps find an excuse to forgive. But by the time Levi
had heard the same story three times he called a halt to the proceedings.
“This isn't getting anywhere,” he said. “Eren should get back to his training
for today.” Hange caught the look in his eye and didn't argue. Hange focused on
titans so much, they often overlooked the limits of their more human subjects.
They couldn't afford to let Eren break, and this was merely serving to wind him
up further. Getting him moving, getting him out in fresh air and swinging his
blades again, was what he needed now, and Levi followed him to make sure he got
it.
“How many titans have you actually killed, Eren?” Levi asked, noting that Eren
had apparently absorbed his lessons regarding how equipment should be checked
before use every time. He was leaning against the door frame while Eren
prepared, checking all the wires were connected how they were supposed to be
and pretending that Levi's scrutiny didn't make him slow and clumsy while doing
so.
Eren looked surprised by the question. “Twenty, Corporal” he said confidently.
“I'm not talking about your titan, I'm talking about you,” Levi said.
“Ah.” He took a deep breath. “None, Sir.”
“And that's fucking ridiculous,” Levi said flatly.
Eren looked at him with wide eyes, “We're going to go hunting now?”
“Did someone drop you on your head?” Levi turned and started walking and Eren
hurried to catch up. Levi walked fast when he wanted to. “To put you in the
front lines and then have you rely entirely on your powers is irresponsible at
best. We've been short on time, up until now, but unless Hange needs you for an
experiment, you're going to be training with me.” He glanced at Eren and his
eyes widened.
For the first time since the expedition, Eren smiled. “Thank you, Corporal
Levi.”
“I'll make you eat those words,” Levi promised.
“Look forward to it.”
Levi tried very hard not to be pleased.
On paper, Eren should be a bundle of rebellious hormones, PTSD, and titan-
fuelled rage. And he was. But he was also nowhere near as stupid as Levi told
him he was, and Levi could see it was a relief for him to follow orders, to let
someone else shoulder the burden sometimes. He could be persuaded; he had to be
persuaded, as orders alone weren't enough. Levi could see he had the
determination to change the world; the walls, as tall and strong (and
distressingly permeable) as they were, couldn't, wouldn't, hold him. That made
him a monster. A monster that fought for freedom and humanity. Levi understood
his role in this was to be relied upon, to help Eren direct his will.
And to whip Eren into some sort of shape.
Eren had been through the basic training, but if he thought that would be
enough to pass muster in Levi's special squad, he was wrong. Levi rarely
trained anyone, and it was partly because he wasn't all that good at it.
Someone who couldn't keep up was dead, and Levi was not shy about saying so.
Eager soldiers who leapt at the chance to train with him soon realised that a
constant barrage of insults, coupled with a complete lack of advice often ended
up making them worse rather than better until they got their confidence back.
Eren was not like that. He seemed to thrive on insults and never listened to
advice. He improved by sheer willpower and the more Levi berated him the
sharper he got. He needed to get sharper.
“You'll dull your blades doing that,” Levi said, as Eren swung past another
training dummy. “Precision, not brute strength, you moron. You're supposed to
be human, so act like it.”
Eren swung around to look at his handiwork, sweat sticking strands of hair to
his face. He wiped his forehead with the back of his arm.
“Corporal?”
“What? Are you giving up already?”
“How do you do that spinning thing you do? I saw the others do it too. How do
you spin so fast?” Eren narrowed his eyes and Levi knew he'd caught his faint
smile.
“Put your blades away,” Levi said as he drew his own. “Watch and try it
yourself.”
Two minutes later Eren was on his hands and knees emptying the contents of his
stomach into the long grass at the side of the training field. Then he nearly
fell face-first into his own sick and Levi was obliged to grab him by his
collar and haul him sideways. Levi curled his lip. Disgusting, but not
surprising.
Eren dug his fingers into the ground, clinging to it while he waited for the
world to stop spinning around him.
“How the fuck do you do that?” he asked.
“Mind your language, you shitty excuse for a soldier.” He turned to go, “We're
done for today. Master the basics before trying any more advanced manoeuvres in
future. And clean yourself up, that stinks.”
Eren groaned his assent.
The next day he was right back at it, and Levi knew Eren was grateful for the
stomach-churning distraction.
And then there were Hange's experiments with Eren's titan form. Levi was
forcefully reminded of the posters he'd found in the capital the first time
Hange gathered their team and took Eren back out to the disused well.
“So many volunteers,” Hange said gleefully, getting their underlings to carry
equipment and notebooks. “More than I need, really,” Hange confided to Levi.
“So why didn't you turn them away?”
“I just couldn't. It's so inspiring to see, and you never know they could come
in handy. Maybe we could do some strength tests. We could have a tug of war and
see how many people-” And Hange was off again and Levi knew there'd be no
stopping them.
That was only half of it. Everyone who could conceivably have an excuse to
observe did so, and there were a suspicious number of riding exercises in the
vicinity. The fields around HQ were swarming with spectators in green cloaks.
Levi didn't have to worry about it all going to Eren's head. The young man
looked deeply uncomfortable under all the scrutiny. There was no debate among
the Survey Corps; they knew what it was to fight titans, and the thought of one
of them, one of the biggest and strongest, fighting on their side- well, Levi
could feel the hope on the breeze. Eren could too. He kept his head down and
his hood up and a look of worried determination on his face.
He didn't look to Levi for reassurance and Levi was relieved, not disappointed.
He thought, anyway.
They started off with him in the well, but he just grew an enormous leg to get
himself out of it, which excited Hange, but wasn't exactly what they'd
intended. Eventually it was decided that with Levi himself attending it was
safe enough for Eren to use his titan form aboveground.
It was strange to be looking at an unrestrained titan and not be in motion. It
went against every instinct Levi had, to be in the air, to be out from under
its feet. So he moved. His harness whirred and the grappling hooks sunk into
Eren's back as he swung upwards. He could hear the collective intake of breath
as his feet left the ground and his blades sang as he drew them.
Hange had their methods, and Levi had his. He had to know what kind of survival
instinct Eren had when he was in titan form.
Apparently he had none whatsoever.
Levi's boots landed on Eren's shoulder, and all Eren did was turn his great
head and look at him, and Levi couldn't read his imbecilic expression. He
sheathed his blades. That had been anticlimactic.
“Levi!” Hange shouted up at him. “You forgot the measuring rope!” Hange waved
it in the air. Levi stumbled back to keep his footing as Eren bent down and
retrieved it. “Ooh! Thank you Eren! Such fine motor skills. Now wrap it round
his head,” Hange told Levi.
Hange wanted everything measured, and Levi and Eren stood with equal stoicism,
the former holding the end of the rope, the latter allowing it to be wound
around various parts of his anatomy. Levi drew the line at sticking his head
into Eren's mouth to measure his teeth, so Hange did that part while Levi tried
not to let the drool getting all over Hange's uniform get to him.
“They'd be measuring your dick if you had one,” Levi muttered, as Hange dropped
back down to the ground and Eren emitted a gush of steam from his nose;
amusement or embarrassment it was hard to say.
“Aah! How did you get him to do that, Levi? Tell me.”
“No.”
Hange wanted to know how fast Eren was, and as his feet pounded into the earth,
Levi stood anchored on his shoulder. This was what the titans saw, Levi
thought, this was how they viewed the world. Eren was only too happy to run, to
get out of sight. He probably would have kept going until he was exhausted, if
Levi hadn't pulled him up.
“Stop!”
Eren did. His great chest heaved, and Levi scowled unhappily as Eren breathed
all over him, his head twisted around enquiringly.
“Eyes front, you disgusting creature.”
They had to go back, but Levi wasn't in any rush. The view from up here was
magnificent. He could see Wall Sina far behind them, and the blocky shape of
HQ, but in front of them the rolling hills obscured Wall Rosa. They could
almost be outside although it didn't mean that much to Levi. The walls
protected people, like he himself tried to, but he could see Eren's desperate
desire to be free of them, and that was enough to give him a different
perspective.
“When you're ready, Jaeger,” Levi said, letting him have his moment of almost-
solitary splendour.
Eren walked back, gazing at the countryside. Levi wondered just how much of him
was concious; the impression he got from Eren himself was that it varied. Under
such calm circumstances he was probably fully in control.
As usual, Eren was left feeling unwell and exhausted by his transformation, and
after Hange subjected him to a thankfully fairly brief medical examination, he
nodded off in the saddle as they rode back to HQ. The horse knew where it was
going, but Levi ended up taking the reins anyway.
Levi escorted Eren back to his dungeon as he was practically sleepwalking and
it would be a shame if humanity's hope tripped on the stairs and broke his
neck.
“Annie is so strong,” Eren said as he sank down into his bed, glad to be off
his feet but still looking worried. “She was able to transform twice.”
“You know what you have to do,” Levi said.
“Train. Yes, Corporal.”
“Get some rest. I'm sure Hange will want to do all that again tomorrow.” Levi
turned to go.
“Corporal?”
Levi halted, silently giving him permission to continue.
“What's it like outside the walls? Outside Wall Maria, I mean.”
“No buildings, no farmland, and a lot of titans,” Levi said.
“I mean, what does it feel like?” he asked.
“Nothing special. It's much the same.”
Levi glanced over his shoulder, and although he didn't show it he was shocked
by the look of sheer disappointment in Eren's huge green eyes.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Eren Jaeger had been staring at him all day. In a sense this is nothing
unusual; when Levi spoke, he wanted Eren to listen. When he gave orders, he
wanted Eren to obey them, when he demonstrated a move he wanted Eren to copy
him preferably without being sick again, and when he was in titan form it was
easier for Levi to give directions by indicating with his hands or blades
rather than shouting up at him.
When the above did not apply, Levi was still an example to be followed and the
attention was nothing new. Eren wanted nothing more than to kill titans, and
Levi had killed an awful lot of them; that was reason enough.
But today had been different. Eren's stare was practically unblinking, and
rather than wearing the usual gormless, faintly awestruck expression he usually
did, Eren's brow was furrowed. People had to repeat Eren's name before he'd pay
attention; Hange asked him if he was feeling all right. Eren said he must have
just lost concentration. Levi didn't think so; he looked like he was
concentrating pretty hard, but on Levi himself. It was as if he wasn't looking
at him, but trying to look through him.
Levi ignored it; either he'd get over it or spit out what was bothering him
eventually.
Although he was still required to sleep in the dungeon, Eren was not confined
to it, and Levi wasn't entirely surprised when he announced himself at his
office door sometime after dinner, but before curfew, while Levi was doing
paperwork.
Levi laid his pen aside.
“Come in, Eren. What do you want?” he asked, as Eren shut the door behind him.
“A soldier named Dieter asked me to pass on his eternal gratitude, Corporal,”
Eren said, standing at attention.
Levi pretended to himself he couldn't remember who Dieter was, that he'd packed
such memories in a far corner of his mind that they required effort to unearth.
But he knew who Dieter was; he knew who they all were.
“His gratitude has been noted, thank you.” He picked up his pen again, and
waited for the inevitable questions, questions which would elicit nothing more
than a sharp dressing down for Eren's morbid curiosity into matters which were
not his business.
Eren didn't ask any questions. He stood there silently for what seems an age
and then turned to go.
“Goodnight, Corporal.” He sounded sad.
Levi only lifted his head once he heard the door close again. What on earth was
that all about? He went to all that effort and in the end just turned around
and left. Levi's gaze traced the wood panelling on the door; there was dust in
some of the corners, he noted, which would require attention tomorrow.
Eren already knew. Or he thought he already knew. Dieter must have shared his
side of the story. Levi almost smiled; if that was all it took to transform
Eren's opinion of him, he wondered what he'd make of the whole story. Wouldn't
that be interesting?
He could almost picture himself walking down to Eren's dungeon, looking at him
through the bars, by lantern light.
“That wasn't Ivan's badge, it was Petra's. But he needed it to be Ivan's more
than I needed it to be hers.”
It's a vicious fantasy, new only in its details. He occasionally indulged in
probing his wounds, trying to see how far they've healed, or perhaps
deliberately keeping them open a while longer. He could tell Eren about all the
other wordless, thankless sacrifices he's made, mostly for people who aren't
alive any more.
What would the brat make of that? He'd probably just stare at him witlessly,
like he did most of the time. He'd regret ever bringing the topic up; Levi is
an example after all, someone to rely on. No one wants to know what's under the
ice they walk on. He would no longer trust in Levi's calm.
Eren wouldn't know what to say. He'd probably never say anything more to him
than he had to ever again. He might think better of him, but he'd probably
think less of him as well. Knowing Eren and his sense of justice, he'd probably
want to to help, obeying orders out of misplaced compassion or pity, rather
than common sense or respect. Worst of all, he might think Levi wanted his
compassion; Eren was just young and arrogant enough to think his will and his
feelings were enough to move the world. That they were worth someone like Levi
seeking them out, an opinion laughable from any other perspective. Levi
honestly couldn't imagine what he'd do then. Offer him a shoulder to cry on? A
hug?
Enough. That particular line of thought had been indulged far more than it
needed to be, and Levi forcibly shut it down, put the cap back on his pen, and
went to get ready for bed.
The next morning Eren brought him a cup of tea. It was terrible and Levi told
him so, and told him not to bother next time. He couldn't replace the dead, he
added, and it was a waste of time trying. He was being deliberately harsh, even
by his standards, because he didn't like where all this was going and it needed
to stop sooner rather than later.
However, rather than getting angry, or offended, or even breaking down into
tears again, Eren just stared at him for a few moments, frowning.
“You still need tea in the mornings, Corporal,” he said.
“Then I'll make it myself.”
“Yeah,” Eren said thoughtfully. “I mean, understood, Sir.”
For a while, Eren became Levi's shadow. When he had something else to do,
whenever Levi could think of somewhere else to send him, or whenever he saw his
friends and they waved him over, he'd go. It was when he had nothing to do, no
reason to be anywhere in particular, that Levi found him in the general
vicinity. At least he'd stopped staring, except for the startling and somewhat
unnervingly thoughtful looks he'd send in Levi's direction. Mostly he just
folded his arms and held up a wall, his gaze directed at his feet or out the
window.
Training continued. Erwin and Levi picked a replacement Special Operations
Squad, and it wasn't all that hard in the end; there were clear candidates
after all. Mikasa, Armin, Jean and others. Levi had no objections per se, but
sometimes, especially when they were first all training together, he felt like
a schoolteacher. He hadn't lead such young soldiers for a long time.
At least Eren already knew how to work with them; integrating the team was much
easier than it had been last time. Levi would sit at the head of the table,
ostensibly going over reports, and just listen to them. They bubbled over with
youth and life, and he started constructing the scaffolding his heart would
require when they inevitably broke it. Levi never forgot anyone who died.
It wasn't the same. It would never be the same. Soldiers, people, were never
replaced; they were merely succeeded by the next generation. He watched them
believe he was immortal.
He drained his cup and got to his feet. He didn't order anyone to sleep; as far
as he was concerned they weren't green recruits any more and they could make
such decisions for themselves. If they made the wrong ones, he'd just ensure
they deeply regretted it at training the next day.
He bid them goodnight and got a chorus of 'Goodnight, Corporal,' in return.
He knew Eren was following him. He was at the top of the stairs when he gave up
and turned around. Eren was a few steps below him, and was obliged for once to
tilt his head up to address him.
“Ah, Corporal Levi.” His gaze slid off to the side as he mustered up the words.
“I want to say that I think I've misjudged you, and I'm sorry.” He looked so
earnest.
“I can set your mind at ease then,” Levi said. “Your misjudgement doesn't
bother me in the slightest.”
He looked like he'd expected an answer like that, but he kept going anyway.
“I'll do my best not to add to your burdens, sir.”
“So you've noticed you're not the only person in the world. Congratulations,
it's called maturity and you've taken an important first step. If this keeps up
you'll be an adult in mere years.” He dropped the sarcasm “Worry about your own
burdens, Eren.” Lord knew he had enough of them.
“This world is a cruel place,” he said, half to himself. He raised his eyes to
Levi's and Levi realised there were walls that he didn't want Eren charging at.
He didn't think there existed walls that could keep him out indefinitely. “I-,”
he cut himself off, and Levi could see the look of confusion pass over his
face, a clear 'what am I doing?' Levi could guess what he was clumsily trying
to take a stab at; he wasn't the first person to observe Levi's quiet acts of
compassion. After all, Petra had and before her a handful of others.
Levi frowned.
Petra had never got around to making the sort of mess Eren was. Even with the
benefit of hindsight Levi didn't know if that made it better or worse.
Eren's eyes widened as Levi turned and walked down towards him, halting on the
step above him so they were eye-to-eye. He would do this then, he would give
Eren what he craved and along with it permission to move on to more important
matters. He didn't need to dwell on this.
“Eren,” he said softly. Eren seemed to be holding his breath. “Thank you. It's
all right; your best is good enough. You don't disappoint me.” An odd thought;
he'd never disappointed him, not once. He didn't blame Eren for what had
happened to his squad. He was quite sure Eren had disappointed himself, but
Levi knew that outcomes could never be predicted. All you could do was make
what you thought was the best decision at the time.
Like Levi was right at this moment.
Eren's mouth hung slightly open. Levi supposed he shouldn't have expected
anything better from him.
“Goodnight, Eren.” He turned and walked up the stairs.
“Goodnight.” The loud clatter of boots made Levi turn just in time to see Eren
practically fall down the steps in his haste to leave.
Had that been a bad call? Levi wasn't sure.
He wasn't certain, even when Eren started avoiding him. No more shadowing, no
more staring. He only met his eyes when he to; the rest of the time it was a
downcast frown and 'yes sir' and 'no sir.' He arrived to training punctually
and left with his friends immediately. Levi found himself irritated. He didn't
know what Jaeger's problem with him was now and Eren didn't give him a chance
to find out unless he pressed the issue. Levi decided he would just make the
best of the peace and quiet while it lasted.
For two boring, pointless weeks, Eren squirmed and looked away and nearly gave
everyone heart attacks by absently chewing on his thumbnail until Levi beat the
habit out of him, but Eren was not the type to run from his problems forever,
or even for all that long. So he came back, as Levi assumed he would. And when
he did, it became clear to Levi just how badly he'd fucked up, and how a couple
of lines, spoken in a low, kind tone, could give birth to the sort of troubles
that promised to multiply endlessly.
When Eren Jaeger was out of his depth, he swam rather than sank. Eren Jaeger
had a face that Levi could read like a book. Eren Jaeger was staring at him
again, and smiling shyly as he marched up to the breakfast table.
Eren Jaeger had spent the last two weeks tending and nursing a huge fucking
crush, and Levi had been the one stupid enough to plant the seed in whatever
hormonal abscess passed for a teenaged heart.
***** Chapter 4 *****
“Good morning.” Eren sat down at one of the empty spaces the squad usually left
either side of Levi at his end of the table, and he flinched when he snuck a
glance at Levi and realised he was being glared at. But he had that determined
look on his face as well; Levi recognised it by now. He'd nerved himself up,
and made his decision.
“You stupid fucking brat.” Levi said, quietly enough that the rest of the table
didn't get the words, even if the gist was written over his face. He was
feeling tired and he'd been awake for less than an hour. “How dare you?”
Eren turned bright red at those words, right to his ears, and he stared at his
bowl of porridge like he wanted to drown himself in it. Levi's eyes widened and
he raised his eyebrows; just what was he feeling so guilty about?
“Sorry, Corporal,” he muttered, his chin sunk to his chest.
A vivid mental image of Eren deciding to make peace with his new feelings while
alone in his cell crossed Levi's mind. Disgusting.
“I hope you washed your hands.” He was so off-balance said it before he'd
really considered how cruel that was. Eren could only nod, his hands clenched
so hard the knuckles were white. Ah, fuck, he hadn't meant to torture the kid.
He didn't really care who he chose to tug it to, although with so many younger
and prettier candidates around Levi himself was a pretty bizarre choice.
Levi growled, and half the table turned to look and then immediately looked
away again when they caught his expression. There was Levi being unsociable
like he usually was and there was Levi genuinely angry, and by now the others
could tell them apart.
“Jaeger,” Levi said, and got to his feet, Eren following a respectful few paces
behind.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He had to sort this out, not least because it was
partially his fault. Trust Eren to take a moment's kindness the wrong way, but
Levi honestly couldn't have foreseen this. He doubted anyone could have, Eren
included. The teenager had what anyone with eyes could see was a gorgeous young
woman deeply in love with him and he hadn't even noticed. It hadn't occurred to
Levi that Eren even operated on this level.
Judging by Eren's expression, and the fact that it took him two weeks of
intense concentration to face up to it, Eren hadn't realised he'd operated on
this level until now either. He was utterly at Levi's mercy and didn't even
realise it.
Levi halted and Eren walked into him. He rebounded with a squeak and Levi
glared over his shoulder.
“For fuck's sake,” he muttered.
“Sorry, Corporal.”
They faced each other in the doorway leading towards the stables. Levi could
hear the horses shifting in their stalls. Outside, it looked like it was going
to be a nice day.
Levi stared Eren down. It didn't take much effort on his part, but despite his
glare Eren didn't drop his gaze. He shifted his feet slightly, and when he
swallowed his Adam’s apple bobbed in his neck. Levi could practically see the
hormones radiating off him as he outgrew his own skin.
And he could feel the answering pull.
“Eren.”
“Corporal Levi.”
“I'm not going to fuck you.”
He inhaled sharply. “No Corporal, of course not.” He looked so fucking
disappointed and yet slightly relieved as well, and it was the latter which
really twisted the knife. At least Eren was self-aware enough to know he
couldn't handle this, couldn't handle Levi. And he didn't try to pretend he
didn't know what Levi was talking about, either. Eren was always
straightforward, like Levi himself.
“You'll get over it,” Levi said flatly. “I'll see you on the field.”
“Yes, sir.” Levi turned to go. “I'm sorry,” Eren added. “I don't expect
anything, of course I'm too young and you're my Corporal, so of course we
couldn't,” he plunged on, tumbling the words out in a barely coherent jumble.
“And you don't know what the fuck you're doing,” Levi added.
“You'd teach me.” He spoke so quietly Levi had to strain to hear him.
Not could. Would. He'd given it thought, thought which Levi hadn't had time to
even begin with. He'd been playing catch-up since Eren had arrived for
breakfast, only minutes before. Levi was irritated to note his mouth was dry.
“You really think so little of me?” Levi knew he should stop talking. He'd said
all he needed to.
“What I think is just that I want you to be a bit happier, that's all. I don't
matter so much, really.” He smiled, but it was a weird smile.
“You can make me happy by not dying,” Levi said. “And not wasting my time.”
So dramatic, he thought, so self-sacrificing. Levi finally stalked off to
resume his interrupted breakfast. He gave it about a month at most before
Eren's libido found someone else to fixate on, and frankly he didn't care who.
Eren got a grip, Levi would give him that much. He gritted his teeth and got on
with things and concentrated on training. Except when Levi touched him for any
reason, or even came close. Then he'd miss a breath, or a word, or his footing,
or the target and those big green eyes would follow Levi around for the next
five minutes. Levi refused to start avoiding him, as that would be like
admitting defeat, and it meant he could keep track of Eren's obsession and
hopefully pinpoint when it finally died. It wasn't because it was the slightest
bit gratifying; that sort of thing was beneath him.
Weeks passed. So did months. Eren lived to see another birthday. He seemed
surprised.
What really concerned Levi was how it would change things out beyond the walls.
Eren needed to be tested. They had to try again.
The night before they left, Eren asked Levi what he should do if the colossal
titan should reappear. He looked genuinely worried, as they spoke over the map-
strewn table.
“Wait for me,” Levi said. “I don't expect you to face that monster alone, even
if you were stupid enough to do so last time.”
Eren smiled, “Yes, Corporal. I'll wait.” His eyes were alight with affection.
When they talked like this, as solider and subordinate and with a heavy article
of furniture between them, Eren seemed calm and happy. Levi wasn't sure how
much more of this he could take. Because Eren was clearly waiting for him,
patiently and without resentment.
The first day of the expedition went fairly well, all things considered, until
the afternoon. The colossal titan didn't put on an appearance, and Eren
transformed when required. But that didn't mean things went entirely smoothly.
They would set up a camp, first by attracting all the titans in the vicinity
and putting them to the sword, or to Eren, and securing the area. There was no
danger of missing one, the massed humanity that comprised the expedition
brought the titans out in their dozens.
Levi knew from long experience that one of the most dangerous things about
titans was they way they paralysed soldiers. They were just human enough to
push ancient instincts into overriding common sense or even sometimes self-
preservation. He'd heard the story of how Armin had frozen up completely, back
in Trost, allowing a titan to drop him into its mouth whole.
Eren was a beacon of hope on the battlefield. If he couldn't be seen, he could
be heard, his titan scream echoing across the fields, and instinctively
soldiers ran towards him, seeking the shelter of his massive fists. And they
brought their pursuing titans with them.
In the maelstrom of battle, it was almost impossible to keep track of what was
happening everywhere, and they had lured the titans to a ruined town, to better
make use of their 3D manoeuvre gear. It was Eren's howl of frustration and a
flare fired by Armin that alerted Levi to the danger Eren had been placed in.
Titans ate titan shifters, and Eren was neither invulnerable nor untiring. At
first he had killed so easily that the Special Operations Unit had spread out
to help the other soldiers, but as the titans had converged on Eren they'd
found themselves getting overwhelmed.
“It's like what happened to the female titan,” Hange said, as they made their
way to Eren's side, slicing and dicing as they went. “I wonder what makes titan
shifters more compelling to titans than humans. Do they taste different? Ooh,
too slow.”
“You are not testing that out, Glasses,” Levi said.
“Maybe it's smell. Do you think Eren smells different when he's in titan form?”
Levi wasn't about to dignify that with an answer, and he had more important
things to concentrate on. He wouldn't let Eren share the same fate as the
female titan. They'd equipped him with 3D gear before he'd transformed, but he
was still almost helpless when he transformed back and there was no guarantee
he'd be able to use it.
Eren was shrouded in steam as he attempted to regenerate from dozens of bites,
his broken fists still swinging. The squad regrouped nearby, attempting to cut
a swathe through to him. Levi went over their heads, his grappling hooks sank
into the titans themselves and his blades flashed as he darted from one to the
next, leaving a trail of falling bodies in his wake.
Eren's shoulders slumped, his torso heaving with exhaustion. Levi grappled onto
him, prepared to cut him loose and drag him out if necessary. Eren turned his
head, and Levi saw his own silhouette reflected briefly in a huge green eye.
Then Eren lifted his head and howled, and Levi could suddenly feel heat pouring
through the soles of his boots. He abandoned his perch, shouting a warning to
Mikasa, who was close on his heels.
“Give him space, he's heating up!” They split up, falling back as Eren laid
into the other titans with renewed ferocity, the gashes in his skin glowing
red. Levi remembered the same thing had happened during the fight in the city;
clearly the training never put Eren under enough stress to trigger it.
Something else for Hange to have a crack at during the next round of
experiments.
Levi tried to get the orders through for everyone to keep their distance; Eren
looked out of control like this, and it was best for them to back off and let
him wear himself out, concentrating on mopping up the titans at the edges of
hurricane Eren.
“Keep them back!” he shouted, watching Eren's general trajectory and trying to
warn people in his path. With all this steam even a smoke signal wouldn't get
through, and they didn't have a signal for 'give Eren space' anyway; they were
running out of colours for the smoke.
You couldn't warn everyone. It was probably inevitable in the end. Levi was
circling around Eren, trying to watch in all directions at once, and he flew
out of the way as he heard Eren's feet thundering against the ground, coming
closer.
“Get back!” he shouted to another airborne form, but rather than going back the
way the came, they went forward, towards him.Levi's eyes widened as he saw
Eren's knee catch the figure, battering them out of the air. They were flung
aside and Levi swooped in to catch them before they hit the ground.
It made no difference. The dark-haired man had only a shadow of stubble on his
face and pale blue eyes, and when Levi grabbed him around the waist he knew
instantly that his neck and back were broken. He was dead weight. Levi released
him, letting him fall in a tangle of wires as the titans closed in around him,
and his blades flashed as he carved his way up to the rooftops again. His only
concern now was to keep up with Eren.
Eren didn't last much longer. Whatever berserk rage he'd activated, it chewed
through his reserves fast and with a groan he fell to his knees. The squad
converged on him, and by now Levi had grown adept at slicing him loose from the
titan's body. His blades neatly took a slab of flesh off the back of the
titan's neck, and he grabbed Eren under his arms and hauled him loose. Armin
joined him a moment later and between them they had Eren freed in seconds – it
was something the squad had practised, although everyone agreed that Levi
should continue to make the initial incision if he was available to do so. Eren
would probably grow back anything they lopped off, as long as it wasn't his
head, but no one wanted to take the chance if they didn't have to.
They hauled him up and out of the way, and Levi left Eren in Armin's care while
the rest of the titans were taken care of.
It was entirely dark by the time they'd fortified their camp site and got
everything set up. They were serving dinner by the time Levi had a spare moment
to go and find Eren.
He found him in Hange's tent, Armin and Mikasa on their way out to get him some
food, and Hange taking his blood pressure and asking him a lot of questions.
Eren sat slumped in a chair, letting Hange do whatever they liked, his eyes
shadowed.
He looked up when he heard Levi enter.
“What have I done?” he asked.
***** Chapter 5 *****
“You were given a bit more than you could handle and you went berserk again,”
Levi said.
“I just told him that,” Hange said. “This new state is very exciting. Well done
Eren!”
Eren just frowned. “Did anyone die?”
Levi exchanged a glance with Hange.
“Of course they did,” Levi said. “Someone always dies. We'll know for certain
how many tomorrow morning. The squad is fine, however, as I'm sure Mikasa told
you. The titans aren't active at night, so you should get some rest; we have to
be up before them tomorrow morning.”
“Yes, Corporal.”
“Are you hungry, Eren?” Hange asked. At his nod Hange told him he was free to
go and eat if he wanted, but Eren said he'd rather sit there for a while.
“I'm tired. Mikasa said she'd bring me something.”
He didn't seem to remember what had happened, or perhaps he hadn't noticed in
the first place, but he still looked troubled. He raised his gaze to meet
Levi's own but Levi made sure his expression told him nothing.
He had things to do.
The next morning, they packed up and got moving just as the sun was drifting up
over the horizon. The horses were sleepy, and the world smelled of dew. Eren
didn't look like he'd slept well, but he was hardly alone in that.
Eren didn't transform that day. It was decided that unless he was given a
direction either way, it was up to Eren when he used his power, he just had to
give enough warning beforehand. The day before he'd sunk his teeth into his
hand when the titans had started growing more numerous than his comrades.
Today, his hand never drifted up to his face.
No one said anything. Eren's blades flashed as he fought alongside the squad,
acquitting himself well enough. The day was full of puzzled glances and
unspoken questions.
During a lunch eaten on horseback Hange asked Eren if he was feeling all right.
He said he was tired. He snuck a quick, guilty glance at Levi as he said so,
and hung his head.
Black smoke in the afternoon. Eren dug his heels in and drew his blades. They
kept coming, and out in the open the expedition was at a disadvantage. At the
head of the convoy, Erwin steered them away from trouble as best he could.
“Eren!” Jean shouted, as an abnormal titan leaped over a small rise and crashed
into the ground in front of them, he wheeled his horse around to avoid it.
Eren lifted his hand. Levi narrowed his eyes as he saw it shaking. While Eren
hesitated the attention of the squad turned to Levi.
Levi nodded, his order clear.
Eren waited a few more moments and then lowered his hand. He shook his head. “I
can take it,” Eren shouted, and drew his blades, standing up on his horse.
“Eren!” Mikasa was right behind him, and that was probably sufficient. Levi
left them to it, peeling off to fend off another attack further back in the
convoy.
It was a bruised and battered convoy that made camp that night. The question of
Eren's reticence hung over everyone.
Erwin, Hange and Levi held a council of war.
“It's not that he can't, it's that he won't. He didn't fail to transform, he
failed to try,” Levi said.
“His vital signs are all normal,” Hange said. “He wasn't injured in the
fighting yesterday.”
“We're out here to prove that Eren can fight against titans as a titan,” Erwin
said. “Can't or won't, either way is not going to impress the capital.
Yesterday was a success, all be it a chaotic one. We'll give him one more day.”
“I'll let him know,” Levi said.
The squad was finishing an almost silent dinner when Levi arrived. No one was
talking. Mikasa was sitting defensively between Jean and Eren, so it probably
hadn't come to blows yet. Levi didn't say anything, but one by one they turned
in for the night, Mikasa and Armin the last to leave him and Eren alone. Levi
gulped down a lukewarm dinner while Eren waited.
“Are you too tired to walk?” Levi asked.
“No, Corporal.”
So they walked. They patrolled the perimeter of the camp, side by side. Levi
waited. The stars looked closer out here. The camp was almost silent. Those
keeping first watch stared out into the dark.
Levi waited. He'd walk all night if he had to.
“Did I kill anyone, Corporal Levi?” Eren asked eventually.
“No.”
“Don't!” Levi started as Eren turned on him, fists clenched at his sides, and
starlight in his eyes. “Don't tell me what you think I should hear. I want to
know the truth. Did I kill anyone?”
“I don't know,” Levi said.
Eren stared at him, his eyes quartering his face, searching for something in
the low light.
“Are you doubting your superior, Eren?”
“I disappointed you,” Eren breathed. “Somehow. I could see it, so please tell
me.”
How? Levi wanted to snap. Careful observation had paid off for Eren in ways
Levi didn't like.
“I saw Lance Pahlke fly into your path,” Levi said flatly. “He was dead before
he hit the ground.”
He had to watch as Eren's eyes widened with dawning horror.
“I shouted a warning, and he made the decision to dodge towards me rather than
away,” Levi continued. “If you want to blame me, you may.”
“No. No, stop doing that.” He scrubbed his hands through his hair in tearful
frustration. “Stop making everything a burden for yourself. I killed him, not
you.” He sagged and frowned, “Who was Lance Pahlke?”
“I don't know,” Levi said honestly. He didn't think he'd ever spoken to the man
directly.
“You know his name.”
“Yes. That's all.”
“There might be others. How many comrades have I murdered?”
“Eren,” Levi said. “You are a titan. You're also only human. This was
inevitable; mistakes will happen.”
“Then I don't want it!” he declared, his voice cracking. “I'll fight with my
blades, like you do. I'll kill the titans that way.”
“No one can make you transform against your will,” Levi said. “I'll let
Commander Erwin know. We can start heading back tomorrow morning.”
He turned to go and Eren stretched out a hand for him. Levi paused, regarding
him coldly. After a moment, Eren lowered his hand and covered his face with it.
Levi heard him stifle a sob.
“How are you so cold?” Eren asked. “How are you so good, and so kind, and so
cold? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.”
Levi left him and went to find Erwin. When he came out of the Commander's tent,
it was raining. Levi narrowed his eyes before hurrying across the short space
to his own tent; this weather didn't bode well for the next morning.
The rain was reason enough to turn back, Eren notwithstanding. It hadn't
slackened all night, and continued into the next morning. The wagons and horses
were slowed down as the ground got churned up, and even though they altered
formation to try and compensate, they moved slowly. Clothes grew damp as
everyone huddled under their hoods, gear was wet and slippery, the horses were
short-tempered, and pretty much everyone else was too. Levi loathed the mud. It
clung to his boots and his horse churned up enough of it that it splattered his
trousers and cloak. Ten minutes into the day and he was already filthy.
Worst of all, the weather didn't seem to bother the titans much as all.
Occasionally they got bogged down, but their enthusiasm for human flesh was
undimmed. That and the slower pace meant that it was going to be a long day.
The wagons were vulnerable, and Erwin ordered a more aggressive strategy to
compensate. They couldn't change direction fast enough, or outrun titans as
easily, and so again and again they waded into battle. Levi spent half his time
trying to clean his hands and face and blades, and the other half getting them
dirty again.
A wagon got irrevocably bogged and they freed the horses and abandoned it.
Ideally they could reclaim the goods later.
It didn't look like they'd manage to make it back to the previous night's camp
site and they headed for the edge of a sprawling forest. Worst to worst, they
could spend the night in the trees, draw the titans away from the wagons and
wait out the rain. It rarely rained for longer than a day at a stretch.
The Special Operations Squad was sent in ahead of the convoy to scout the
forest. They quickly learned one important fact; this wasn't the Forest of
Giant Trees, and rather than large smooth trunks, they were battling a tangle
of branches. Picking thin patches of leaves from hidden tangles of small
branches and twigs, and judging which branches were strong enough to withstand
a grappling hook was a skill most of them had yet to acquire and they were
slowed to a crawl, a branch occasionally breaking under someone and sending
them careening off course.
Levi had enough experience to cope, and he forged ahead. Forest this thick
should keep out most of the titans that were large enough to climb trees, so as
miserable and uncomfortable as it was, it could have been worse, Levi thought.
Even Levi was wrong sometimes.
He saw the giant hand first, and he swung out of the way of the clumsy swipe,
crashed through some greenery and followed the errant limb back to its source.
Maybe they'd wandered in here and the biggest ones got stuck. Without humans
nearby to motivate them, they just stood there. Maybe. Whatever their history,
they were motivated now, and Levi realised that trees of this size were not
stable anchor points at all when titans nearly as tall as they were were
crashing around among them.
He fired a smoke round, but he wasn't hopeful that anyone would see it in this
weather, especially if the convoy was also among the trees by now. He'd have to
do it himself and hope the others caught up with him sooner or later.
It was nasty work. There were no safe vantage points, or any vantage points at
all, really, and his face and hands were soon covered in scratches as he tore
through the canopy. He could get height, but then he couldn't see where the
titans were. He could stay in close, and then he was hampered by the
vegetation.
He worked methodically, trying to conserve energy, sending titan after titan
slumping down to the distant forest floor. The sound of rain on the leaves was
disorienting. He blunted his first set of blades chopping branches and necks,
his boots skidded on wet bark and he constantly shook water out of his eyes.
He kept at it. If he didn't, they'd eventually make their way to the convoy,
and anything big enough to pull down a tree would see them wiped out. Fuck he
was tired though. It was impossible to say what time of day it was, or how long
he'd been here; there was no sign of the sun.
He'd stay here until dark if he had to.
The strongest branches in the area were weakening from multiple grapples, and
the canopy was full of dangerously sharp splintered bits of wood. Levi dragged
the fight to a newer patch of forest, but as the titans swatted at him, and
crashed against the trees, nowhere remained safe for long.
He put all his strength into hacking out another neck. These blades were about
done as well and he drew his last set. He was low on gas too; it was sheer
force of habit to make it last, to rely on gravity and momentum as much as
possible, but even the most miserly hoarding wouldn't stop it from running out
eventually. He needed enough at least to get back to the convoy.
He swung away and the branch he was relying on cracked. He swung on his other
line, making a grab for the top of another tree, and it swayed but held under
his weight. His gear was getting dirty, and as much as he despised dirt, more
to the point the winching mechanism was getting clogged with sap and bits of
leaves. He spent a few seconds on his precarious treetop, trying to strip the
worst of it out.
He saw the titan approaching out of the corner of his eye and he leaped,
vaulting over its head and taking out its neck on the way down. He heard his
grappling hooks make contact and he swung away, intent on heading back. Then
the mechanism on his left give an unhappy, crunchy sort of whine and he barely
had time to brace himself before the right one swung him face first into a
tree. He put his arms up to protect himself and bounced off.
“Fuck.” It was the first word he'd spoken in hours, breathless and hoarse. He
yanked the trailing left wire out of the tree; it was clearly wrecked. He was
sort of starting to think he was, too.
***** Chapter 6 *****
Levi started to drag himself back towards the convoy, swinging by a single
wire. He ran out of gas just in time to find a perch that was temporarily safe,
and swapped the empty right hand bottle for whatever was left in the left hand
one while a titan crashed through the forest in his wake.
If this is where he was going to die, so be it, he thought. He only wished he
wasn't so filthy.
From some distance away, he heard a tree fall. Snap right off and fall. He
could see other trees swaying as something bigger, at least fifteen meters
high,forced its way through. It was moving fast, too; he could hear its great
feet pounding into the ground even from here. Levi hesitated for only a moment,
and then he glided off to deal with this new threat.
If anything was going to destroy the convoy it was this.
Levi waited, conserving gas, but then the titan halted too. The sound of
splintering wood and snapping branches stopped, and for a moment all he could
hear was his own laboured breathing and the ceaseless rustle of rain on the
leaves.
Then it howled.
Levi felt something give inside his chest, a sense of relief so sharp it was
painful.
That fucking brat. That wonderful fucking brat.
He fired a smoke round in response, and was yanked off his feet as something
grabbed his left wire.
Like hell. Levi found himself dragged through sodden leaf litter and then
hauled upwards towards the titan's mouth. His right grappling hook landed right
between its eyes as he sliced through its wrist, freeing his left wire. He
swung himself into the sky again, flipped over its head, and brought his blades
down on the creature's neck as Eren crashed through the last few trees between
them.
Levi was standing on the corpse, riding it down when Eren grabbed him, scooped
him up in both hands like a child picks up a grasshopper and Levi trusted he
wouldn't do anything stupid and let him do so.
Eren lifted him up in front of his face, and Levi dodged an attempt to brush
the dirt and leaves off his cloak, as Eren breathed all over him again. He had
to admit it was at least warm, and Levi didn't think he could get much dirtier
than he already was, but it was still disgusting.
“Behind you,” he warned.
Eren turned and Levi found himself pressed protectively against Eren's chest
with his left hand. Levi felt rather than saw him swing his right, punching
right through the titan's neck and into the tree behind.
Eren kept him held there cupped safely in his hand all the way back. Levi
didn't argue. It might be more dignified to ride on his shoulder, but he'd had
enough of exploring the canopy face -first. Eren was very warm. His breath
sounded like the wind rising and falling, and Levi could feel his heartbeat
reverberate through his whole body. Levi couldn't let himself relax, he had to
keep an eye out, but he did let himself rest a bit. Occasionally Eren would
glance down at him.
When they emerged from the forest, the open field was littered with titan
corpses, and the wagons were drawn in a circle at the edge of the forest.
“Eren's back!” someone shouted, needlessly, since it wasn't like he was hard to
miss. Levi stood on Eren's hand on tired, shaky legs. “He found him!”
Eren carried him over to the camp and knelt down to place him carefully on the
ground. He was met with startled looks and a chorus of murmured 'what happened
to you?' Levi explained as succinctly as he could.
“If you've finished getting an eyeful, I'd like to clean off,” he said. “Unless
you'd like to observe that as well.” He felt a gust of warmth as Eren let off
steam behind him. Levi looked up at him, and those glassy eyes stared back.
“Thank you, Eren,” he said.
Eren opened his mouth and shut it again, his teeth clacking. He didn't
transform back, instead standing guard in the rain until the light faded, along
with the threat of titans, while Levi dragged himself off to scrub away the
dirt and change into a clean shirt. The Survey Corps threw together a camp.
Finally, blessedly, the rain stopped.
They unearthed enough dry tinder to get some fires going, and the troops queued
up for big mugs of tea and a hot meal. Levi learned what had happened in his
absence; the Special Operations Squad had stumbled across their fair share of
titans in the forest as well, and it was only after they'd cleared the
surrounding area they realised how far Levi had gone in. They'd waited,
defending the wagons, until Eren had decided he wasn't waiting any more.
“It seems like the thought that you might not come back was enough to motivate
him,” Hange said. “As we've seen before, defending his friends is something
Eren is good at. He's stayed in titan form for the longest time yet, although
at the end it was clear that merely standing guard was exhausting. I got so
much data. Thank you, Corporal Levi.”
“I didn't do it on purpose,” Levi said.
They were still planning to head back the next day, and Levi was glad of it. He
was ridiculously tired. Getting old maybe, he thought.
Nevertheless, he drifted by Eren's tent. The brat had exhausted himself as
well, and Levi noted that someone, probably Mikasa, had left a plate of food
next to his sleeping bag, as well as a cooling mug of tea. Levi stood and
watched him sleep for a while. A solitary lantern flickered a short distance
away, illuminating his pale face and messy dark hair. He still had red marks
around his eyes, and his mouth hung slightly open.
Be all right, Levi thought. Don't change too much.
“Corporal?” Eren's voice was thick with sleep, and he couldn't possibly have
seen who was there in the low light, but he sounded so hopeful.
“Go back to sleep, Eren. I'm sorry I woke you.”
“No, wait, please.” He thrashed about, trying to force himself to wake up, and
untangle himself from his sleeping bag. He sat up. “You can wake me up whenever
you want, Corporal Levi.”
Levi sighed and stepped back into the tent, letting the flap close behind him.
“Oh,” Eren said, staring up at his face as Levi moved into the lantern light.
“I'm fine, Eren,” Levi said. He knew he looked a bit of a mess; his face was
covered in tiny scratches–he looked like he's lost a fight with a house cat,
his hair was only rinsed and not actually clean, and his trousers were still
muddy. He didn't like it. The scratches should heal in a couple of days, but
Eren looked at him like he was missing a limb.
“I'm glad you decided to use your abilities again. Despite the risks, we need
them.”
“I know. I had to do it. I thought I'd lost you,” Eren said softly. “When you
didn't come back.”
Levi stepped over and crouched down beside Eren. “If you hadn't showed up, you
might have done.” No, wait, that was wrong. Answering like that implied he was
Eren's to be lost in the first place.
Eren just smiled and smiled at him, like he was beautiful. He had eyes you
could drown in, Levi realised. And then he leaned forward so naturally and
unhesitatingly that Levi did nothing but let a surprised hiss out between his
clenched teeth as Eren wrapped his arms around his shoulders and buried his
head in the crook of his neck.
“You're okay.” He sounded teary. “You're okay.”
He was not fucking okay. None of this was fucking okay. He clenched and
unclenched his fists, trying to work out a suitable method of retaliation, but
all he got was that Eren's hair was brushing his cheek, and he could feel his
breath right through his cravat on to his neck, and that Eren's arms were wiry
and strong and he was digging his fingers in, to hold onto him just a bit more,
to reassure himself that Levi was there and solid. He was so warm. And he
smelled terrible, of course he did, like sweat and youth and blade oil and
horse and mud, and Levi knew they were both filthy. But somehow this knowledge
didn't stop him wanting to lean in and breath deep.
Levi found himself closing his eyes and he forced them open again.
“Eren-” he said in warning tone. He wasn't sure what he was warning him
against; retaliation or capitulation.
“I know, I know. Please just a bit longer, Corporal Levi.” Levi could almost
feel Eren's lips move against his neck, and he reminded himself to breathe.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, Eren hadn't been hugging him at full
strength because he tightened his grip. Levi felt his tired muscles protest,
and he discovered a few more bruises.
“You're hurting,” he said.
Eren shrank back like he'd been burned, and Levi couldn't suppress a shiver as
cold air replaced the warmth where the young man had rested against him.
“Sorry.” He rested his hands in his lap, and his eyes were bright and his face
flushed with pleasure and his own daring.
Levi sighed, which was a mistake because Eren was already under his skin, and
getting him into his lungs as well couldn't be a good idea.
“Are you feeling better now?” Levi asked.
Eren nodded. “Are you?”
Yes and no, really. “I'm tired.”
To his credit Eren wasn't silly enough to invite him to share a sleeping bag.
He could see the thought cross his mind, however. Filthy brat.
“You should eat and sleep. We'll be back at HQ tomorrow.” Eren dutifully
reached for his plate and Levi stood up, even he had to bend his head in this
tent.
“Goodnight Corporal.”
“Mm.”
As the tent flap closed again behind him, Levi tilted his head back and took a
deep breath. The world smelled fresh and clean, and a stiff breeze was blowing
the clouds away. He could see a few stars shining through.
Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck everything.
He wasn't angry with himself for being taken by surprise; he was tired and sore
and Eren was so far out of line it was breathtaking, although he really should
start getting used to Eren's capacity for the unexpected. He wasn't angry with
himself for being comforted, even a little; you took what you could get and he
was only human.
He was angry at himself for the strong urge to turn around and start teaching
Eren all those things the brat had assumed he would. Out here, beyond the
walls, on hard ground, and with neither of them having had a bath for two days.
He told himself it was disgusting. He told himself it was irresponsible. He
told himself he was probably too wrecked to get it up anyway.
He couldn't quite convince himself of the latter, not where Eren was concerned.
He stalked off to his tent, falling almost instantly into a deep, exhausted
sleep accompanied dreams he couldn't remember but that left him feeling oddly
content when he was woken up the next morning.
***** Chapter 7 *****
Chapter Notes
     I uh, just realised I'll be going away to the beach in a couple of
     days. In the interests of not tormenting everyone I should probably
     upload the chapters a bit faster.
The next morning saw the convoy back on the road under clear dawn skies. As the
sun rose, so did everyone's spirits. They were going home. Most of them were
going home.
“Ten percent,” Erwin said as he and Levi rode side by side in the sun.
Ten percent casualties, most from the second day. Technically they were
decimated, but this was the best result they'd had in a long time.
“Will it be enough?” Levi asked. “For the capital, I mean.”
“We'll have to see.” Erwin played his cards close, but Levi didn't think he was
too worried.
Levi dropped back to rejoin his squad. Eren seemed torn between sneaking happy
little glances at him and concentrating overly hard on keeping an eye out for
smoke signals. Levi frowned; surely he wasn't the only one to notice. But
everyone else seemed too wrapped up in the pleasant morning to be paying much
attention.
The arrived back inside the walls. They returned to HQ. They stabled the horses
and washed off the mud.
Levi attended Lance Pahlke's funeral, as did Eren. Levi hadn't made him, but he
did tell him when it was, and Eren saddled his horse and rode out beside him at
the appointed time without prompting. For the first time, Levi felt like he
wasn't alone at a funeral. Eren stood no closer to him than Erwin did, but
somehow it was different; Eren was present in a way that Erwin refused to be
out of sheer self-protection.He hadn't been to enough funerals yet for the
ritual to start losing its meaning. Levi didn't know any of these people, not
like the families of his squad mates, but it made no difference. After a while
all grieving families started to look alike. Eren didn't cry, but he did look
about three years older when he and Levi walked out of the church and back into
the sun. Whatever he was thinking about Levi didn't interrupt, but he was
quietly proud of him for facing up to what he'd done.
Levi and Eren walked back to their horses in silence.
“Thank you for coming with me, Sir” Eren said eventually.
“I always go to the funerals,” Levi said. “So it's more correct to say you
accompanied me.”
Eren looked at him sadly, “Of course you would.”
Levi didn't know what to say to that, so he ignored it.
Levi's face lost its red lines. He introduced his new squad, including Eren, to
the joys of writing reports, and the data was analysed. Occasionally Eren
cupped his left hand close to his chest and smiled secretly, proudly, and
Levi's eyes narrowed and his own heart twinged.
The brat had it bad, and didn't look like he was going to get over it any time
soon. Worse, Levi knew part of him didn't want Eren to get over it. It was too
late to stop it messing with his concentration; he could still feel the way
Eren's lips had almost touched his neck.
In the privacy of his own quarters he stomped up and down the carpet trying to
talk himself out of whatever he'd stumbled in to.
The weather grew warmer and brighter until the morning sun filtering in through
the windows was painfully dazzling, and the recruits grew more rowdy. Jean
decided to see if it was any cooler, and if he was any more noticeable to his
female comrades, if he trained without his shirt, and ended up in the infirmary
with the worst case of chafed nipples the Survey Corps had recorded since the
last time they had a spell of hot weather and some show-off decided to take
advantage of it. That evening there were tears of laughter at the dinner table,
and Levi couldn't remember the last time the room was so noisy with good cheer.
He covered his face with his hand and chuckled along with them.
He was fond of these idiots. Too fond.
“The Corporal's laughing,” Sasha said in an awestruck voice. “Jean, you're
amazing.”
Levi peered at them through his fingers. Jean just looked as mortified has he
had when he'd first entered the room and realised the news of his predicament
had preceded him. The others were still laughing, and he realised these idiots
were fond of him too. Jean's pride was a small price to pay, their expressions
said. They were fond of the one who would probably lead them to their deaths.
He tried not to look at Eren.
He failed.
Eren didn't laugh often either, and when he did he looked painfully young, with
his nose crinkled and his teeth bared in a wide smile and his chest heaving as
he tried to catch his breath. He wasn't looking at Jean, he was looking at him.
He looked so relieved that Levi knew how to laugh in the first place. He looked
so hopeful.
Levi stopped smiling. He knew how much this memory would hurt someday. He
didn't want to think about it, but his mind had well-worn grooves in which it
ran. Part of him was always whispering at the back of his head that he needed
to remember them like this, and not like the broken corpses they'd eventually
become.
So he did, but the ghosts of what was yet to be cast long, cold shadows.
“That's because I'm honestly taken aback by the breadth and depth of your
collective stupidity. You never cease to amaze me.” He lowered his hand his
voice was on an even keel, his expression as it should be. “Jean, some might
argue that you've been punished enough, but you're not going to be able to
train for the next couple of days, you may as well pick up the slack with the
other chores.”
“Sir,” he mumbled.
And they were laughing again, and giving Jean their orders for breakfast, and
Jean was swearing that he was going to mess them up as much as humanly
possible, and Levi left them to it.
He knew they were just winding themselves up, and wouldn't want to go to bed
any time soon but it was too hot to sleep anyway, and there was no harm in
letting them run wild for a night. They'd earned it and more. He slipped out
quietly, seeking the relative coolness of the night outside, and a bit of
peace.
The moon was full and so bright he could make out the details of the landscape
around him in pale silvery monochrome. He looked back at the castle, and then
stepped away from the lantern light. He found some relief from the heat by
walking into the slight breeze that blew from the east, but he found no peace.
He walked in a world crowded with ghosts.
He halted at the boundary fence near the stables and rested his forearms on the
top railing.
He heard footsteps, and he knew them. Even if he hadn't been able recognise the
tempo of Eren's pace there wasn't anyone else it would be.
Eren stood beside him and copied his posture. His extra height obliged him to
lean over further, and Levi's gaze flicked up his long legs to the curve of his
backside before he looked away again. Eren was leaving gawky behind, fast.
“Did I ask you to follow me, Eren?”
“No, but you never said I couldn't, Sir.”
Cheeky brat. “What are they doing back there?” he asked, not really all that
interested.
“Working up the nerve to sneak out and take a dip in the pond.”
“Disgusting; it's filthy. The horses drink out of that.” If they tracked mud
and dirty water through the castle- no, whatever. He'd just make them clean it
up tomorrow.
“Yeah,” Eren grinned. It faded fast. Levi didn't look at him directly, but he
could see him out of the corner of his eye. “You have a nice laugh, Corporal
Levi,” Eren said.
Levi sighed, “You would think that.”
He didn't want to be reminded. He came out here in the first place to get some
space from it all.
Eren was silent for quite a while. In the distance, Levi heard a splash
followed by some laughter. Eren raised his head and gazed out over the
countryside. “Can I give you a hug?” he asked abruptly.
“At least you're asking permission this time. Why do you want to give me a
hug?”
“Because you look like you really need one, Corporal.” He kicked the toe of his
boot idly against the bottom rail of the fence. Tik. Tik. Tik. “Sasha said you
were laughing, and you were, for a moment. Then you looked so sad. I just want
you to feel better. I'd do anything, you know.” He said it matter-of-factly,
like it was obvious.
Levi looked away and winced. He knew there were things Eren wouldn't do, but he
also knew he wasn't lying; there are things he wouldn't do, but he knew Levi
would never ask for them.
“We all want things that are beyond us,” he said shortly. The distant splashing
and shrieking intensified. “You should be over there,” Levi said. “Making some
memories with your friends.”
“Memories?”
Levi abandoned his post and turned to go. He got two steps before his combat-
ready reflexes had him turning at a sudden movement. Reflexes or not, he
couldn't do much more than flinch when Eren practically crashed into him and
wrapped his arms awkwardly around Levi's shoulders, just like he had once
before. Eren had caught him mid-turn, and so he was standing side on to his
subordinate and glaring at him from the corner of his eye. Eren couldn't reach
Levi's neck to rest his head against it and instead he just looked down at him
with a slightly startled expression.
“Did I tell you you could do that?” Levi asked sharply.
“No, but you never said I couldn't,” he said with a shy smile. Levi drew breath
to berate him and Eren forestalled him. “What do you mean by memories?” He
frowned. “We aren't memories. We're here, right now, we're alive.” Levi could
feel him shaking, with fear or something else. He was alive, that was for
certain; Levi could feel his heat, his breath, and his heartbeat, the latter
two of which seemed barely under control. He was so alive.
Someday, sooner or later, he wouldn't be.
“I know,” Levi said quietly. At some point he must have told his arms to move
and his feet to shift, but it felt like they were moving on their own, as he
turned in towards Eren and wrapped his arms around him. He slid his hands up
Eren's back, under his jacket, his fingers briefly tracing the familiar straps
of the manoeuvre gear harness. If he was going to do this he may as well do it
right, none of this fling your arms around someone and hope for the best. He
could hear Eren's breath hitch as he froze, presumably from sheer shock, for a
few moments.
This was not a memory. He would not peer into their bloody future. Not while he
could feel Eren's arms tightening around his shoulders and his stance relaxing
slightly, not while he could feel the bumps of Eren's spine through his shirt.
Not while he could smell him, young and freshly-scrubbed, because Eren was
meticulous now, Levi had noticed, and never sat down to dinner without still
being damp behind the ears. Eren's jaw was against his cheek, and he could feel
sparse stubble against his skin. Clean then, but not particularly bothered with
shaving.
Eren's hands transcribed small circles on Levi's back over the wings of
freedom, and Levi was going to tell him he didn't really need to be comforted
like a child, that Eren was the child here, but instead he rested his chin on
Eren's collarbone and let him do as he pleased. Just for a little while.
He didn't want to rely on Eren. Too many relied on him already. He'd decided to
become humanity's hope, after all, and burdens didn't get much bigger. But Levi
was only human, and Eren was his hope too; he'd become his hope in that
courtroom, when he'd demanded they burden him, no matter how little he thought
of them. How little they deserved it.
He was sure Eren looked at him and saw similar unreasonable burdens on his
shoulders. The difference was Eren rushed head first into everything and that
included trying to relieve him, even when it was patiently impossible. They
were locked into these parts; they could only play them and survive, or fail
and die. Looked at from that perspective, this didn't seem so unlikely; they
had this in common.
Levi squeezed him closer, staring at nothing over Eren's shoulder.
Don't you dare die before I do. That was an order.
He loosened his grip and stepped back before he did something stupid like
turning his head towards Eren's face, or his neck, or his ear, and Eren let him
go.
“It's too fucking hot for this rubbish,” Levi muttered, tugging at his cuffs
and straightening his cravat.
“Yes, Corporal,” Eren said. “Can I?” He took a deep breath, “Can I kiss you?”
“Don't push your fucking luck,” Levi growled.
“If I didn't I wouldn't get anywhere,” he pointed out. He sounded giddy.
“And where do you think you're getting?”
“I don't know,” he said, and then he suddenly looked like a kid again, his eyes
darting to the side uncertainly. “I don't have a clue,” he confessed. “But ever
since- it's like all good news is just that something terrible didn't happen,
that someone didn't die, that it wasn't a total disaster. Except for this; this
is good, this is, you know, really good.” He ducked his head, shy.
In that moment Levi honestly didn't know why he didn't kiss him.
***** Chapter 8 *****
Levi told Eren to join his friends. It was only a matter of time before they
came looking for him otherwise, and Eren saw the logic and reluctantly agreed.
He watched Eren walk away, trying and failing not to admire the way he moved.
Eren kept glancing over his shoulder, smiling back at him until he rounded the
corner of the castle and was out of sight.
Levi went up to his room. Boots, harness, jacket, cravat all neatly set aside
for tomorrow or folded for washing- it was too fucking hot tonight. He almost
envied the squad squealing like pigs in the mud outside. He undid the first few
buttons on his shirt and rolled up his sleeves before collapsing into a chair.
The breeze coming in the window made the curtains billow. He hadn't lit a lamp
as it would just attract bugs, and he knew his way around his own room in the
dark.
He felt bothered. A hug from a teenager shouldn't feel like this. It shouldn't
make him feel like this, and what he felt was better. Just, better. Like
something that was wound tightly in his viscera had started to unwind. This
could end in disaster so easily in so many ways, but as Eren said, there wasn't
much that was good in this shitty world. He never begrudged his subordinates
their flings, dalliances and doomed romances; caring about cleaning supplies as
much as Levi did had meant he'd surprised people in closets more often than
might be expected. He never did anything more than shut the door again after
telling them not to leave a mess. He couldn't bring himself take more life away
from people who were already sacrificing so much of it.
He could still feel the weight of Eren in his arms.
He found himself scraping a fingernail along his lower lip. Can I kiss you? If
he came up here tonight, dripping pond water, well, Levi would tell him off and
make him clean up because that would be disgusting. But he he didn't know if
he'd be able to send him away.
His gaze slid over to his perfectly made bed, and he mentally untucked the
sheets and ruffled them and sprawled Eren out on top of them. Filthy, filthy
old man. Telling himself that didn't seem to make a great deal of difference
any more.
Eventually the splashing and shrieking ceased, and Levi went to bed by himself.
A few days later, Hange revealed they'd come up with a plan.
“It's vitally important we study Eren when he goes berserk under controlled
conditions, rather than in the battlefield,” Hange began.
Hange, Levi and Eren were sitting in Hange's laboratory. All the windows were
open, and breakfast was only half an hour ago, but already the day was
steaming. Levi refused to alter his uniform for the weather, but both Hange and
Eren had taken their jackets off. Jean had actually looked disappointed that he
could no longer stay in the relative cool of the castle and clean rather than
going out in the sun to train.
“Eren seems to lack control during these times, so it's vitally important we
study his instinctive reactions in this state so we can prepare for them on the
battlefield. Not to mention, it's a fascinating phenomenon in its own right,
and never in my wildest-”
“Hange,” Levi said flatly.
“Right, where was I? The difficulty will be in inducing this state when not
actually out on the battlefield. According to my observations, we will get the
best chance of results if Eren's titan body is heavily damaged and exhausted.
Pain might also be a factor, as Armin reported, he once had to drive his blade
into Eren's shoulder to motivate him.”
Levi frowned. He didn't really like where this was going.
“But ultimately.” Hange shrugged, “Those are all outside circumstances. The
final ingredient is a genuine motivating factor; anger, fear, despair even.
Under experimental conditions, we can't guarantee that.” Hange sighed sadly.
“It'll be up to Eren, to try and induce enough emotion to trigger the event.”
“What are you proposing?” Levi asked.
“We use Eren as target practice.” Hange grinned widely. “We'll race to Wall
Rose. Or rather, Eren will attempt to get to Wall Rose, and we'll attempt to
capture him. A concrete goal will focus everyone.”
“Hange, that's pushing it, even for you-” Levi began.
“I think it's a good idea,” Eren said. He looked up at Levi, “If people learn
how to fight around me, then maybe no one else will get hurt. And if they learn
to stop me.” He hung his head, “Maybe I won't hurt anyone again.”
“See! Eren gets it. We have an opportunity to get so much good data.” Henge
beamed at him, practically willing Levi to see it from their perspective.
“If Erwin has given his permission, I won't object, Hange,” Levi said. “Eren,
get your gear.”
“Yes, Corporal.”
After Eren had left, Hange looked at Levi, “Erwin has noted that humanity's
enemies aren't confined to titans. Eren needs to learn to defend himself
against humans as well.”
“He's not worried about creating a monster?” Levi asked.
“You're not. Why should he be?”
Because he wasn't sure he could trust his judgement where Eren was concerned
any more, but he didn't share this with Hange.
Because Eren could run faster than a horse, the squad was sent out half an hour
beforehand to get into position. Everyone would get a chance to try and slow
Eren down.
There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and as the riders left HQ, locusts zipped out
from underneath their horses' hooves into the tall grass. Hange used their
notebook as a fan, riding out alongside Levi.
Eren was to wait behind, and at the signal transform and start running. When
Levi glanced over his shoulder at him, Eren gave him a hopeful smile. They
hadn't had a moment alone since that night and Levi didn't know what he was
going to do the next time they had one.
“Aren't you hot?” Hange asked.
“What?” Levi was startled.
“I swear you're not human.” Hange undid another button on their shirt.
A smoke signal was fired, and the game began. Eren ran. Hiding behind trees or
in low-lying ground, the squad watched him approach.
Armin feinted. Eren changed direction to avoid him, and Mikasa abandoned her
horse and flung herself at him like an avenging angel. He stumbled and fell
face-first into the ground with a sound that could be heard for miles. Trailing
a leg, he rose again and stumbled on.
Levi didn't interfere, he watched, keeping a set distance from Eren, the
combined efforts of the squad slowing him down enough that Levi's horse could
keep pace. Eren ignored him; he knew Levi was not taking part.
The horses soon became lathered in sweat. Every time Eren was taken down, he'd
scramble on until whatever tendon was severed had healed, and the squad
attacked more boldly, teaming up to take out both legs at once, and even his
arms. Eren trailed steam. They took it as a game, a strange version of tag.
Eren started slowing down. He took to blocking with his arms, stopping and
changing direction to avoid attacks; finally he was defending himself. Levi had
to admit, this was probably a good thing. Maybe this hadn't been such a bad
idea. The squad was getting the hang of it as well, and never had humanity had
such realistic training.
Jean took a swipe at Eren's battered leg and he fell on one knee. Mikasa stood
up in the saddle, grappled onto Eren's shoulders and swung at his face. Levi
knew where she'd learned that particular move, as titan's eye sockets
smouldered. Rather than waiting for them to heal, he flung himself on blindly;
that was Eren right there. Not fences, nor hills nor trees would slow him down
as he stumbled on, eyes or no eyes.
Levi shook his head.
The squad had the advantage now. They sank their blades in and Eren started
losing fingers and chunks of muscle as they attacked his joints. His left leg
splintered under him as his knee gave way.
Eren opened his mouth and howled.
“Yes Eren, come on!” Hange appeared as if from nowhere, their eyes alight.
“According to my calculations, he's at the end of his reserves. It's now or
never.” Hange grinned, widely and madly, hunched down in the saddle.
Levi's hand drifted to the signalling pistol at his belt.
Sensing victory, the squad converged on the nearly-motionless Eren, hacking
into his knees, his ankles, his shoulders and his spine. This wasn't quite a
game any more.
Then Levi could see it, in the shimmer of the heat haze and the gusts of steam,
that burning roaring red. Hange was ecstatic.
Levi fired his pistol; white smoke. The squad retreated. Eren roared again, and
Levi could see him forcing it, trying to coax himself into flame. Levi closed
in and smelled smoke; the hot, dry grass had started to smoulder around around
the titan.
Eren heaved himself out of the dirt, and Levi's gear whirred as he attached
himself to Eren's shoulders. He was out of control now and boiling hot. Levi
swung around him as even landing briefly on his skin threatened to burn his
feet. Levi hoped the others had the sense to put out the grass fire as Eren
lumbered off, Levi flying around him like a horsefly.
At first Eren merely ran, even on broken feet, moving incredibly fast. Soon
Levi lost sight of the others, the horses hopelessly outpaced. It was all Levi
could do to keep moving around Eren's body, momentum keeping him in the air. At
least he didn't think this would last long.
Abruptly Eren stopped, turned, and lunged, his great hand trying to snatch Levi
out of the air. Levi had half-expected something like this and he swung away,
but he could feel the heat radiating from Eren's skin.
“Eren!” he shouted. “That's enough!”
He drew his blades. The next time Eren lunged for him, Levi took off the tips
of his fingers.
“Pay attention, brat! This is your superior.”
Eren roared, his eyes glowing with madness and rage. He spun, his foot kicking
back, and Levi was forced to withdraw his wires, dodging out of the way and
dropping to the ground.
There was no choice; he had to cut him out of there. This was getting
dangerous. They were in a grassy field, with nothing but Eren himself for Levi
to grapple onto. Eren's foot slammed down into the ground where Levi had been
standing moments before.
“Poetry in motion,” Levi said dryly as he rolled out of the way, then he sunk
his grapple into Eren's leg and slashed through the back of his knee. He didn't
want him taking off again as there was a good chance that anyone else he ran
into would end up dead.
Eren made another grab for him; he was getting sharper but was too impatient.
Annie would have waited. Levi spun, razoring up Eren's arm. He could feel the
metal of his gear getting hot, and Eren's blood burned where it touched him.
Sweat was trickling down his ribs and the back of his neck.
Eren stumbled back from the attack, covering the nape of his neck with his
other hand. Levi narrowed his eyes and went after him.
Eren bit at him, his great teeth clashing at the heels of Levi's boots as Levi
latched onto his elbow and pulled himself up and out of the way. He came down
blades first. This time he took Eren's fingers off at the knuckles. Eren's
other hand slapped at the back of his neck, and Levi retreated to avoid getting
his wires tangled, his boots skidding as he slid down Eren's back, carving a
great rent beside his spine as he did so to slow his descent.
Levi was taking his time, trying to give Eren every opportunity to get himself
back under control. It didn't seem to be working.
“Fuck you, Eren,” Levi growled. “You had to make this difficult.” Levi wasn't
afraid but he knew, somewhere deep inside the monstrosity trying to kill him,
that Eren most certainly was. “Can you imagine?” Levi swung around Eren as he
twisted, gliding under his flailing, fingerless hand. “How shit you're going to
feel.” He took out a chunk of his shoulder as Eren flung his head back in the
realisation Levi was going for his eyes. “If you manage to kill me?” And how
terrible Levi himself was going to feel if he had to kill him.
Eren's throat was exposed, and Levi sliced into it. The heat was unbearable,
and Levi could feel blisters on his hands bursting. His eyes stung.
“It's like you enjoy making yourself miserable.” Eren's head lolled, his eyes
rolling madly in their sockets. He punched himself in the shoulder, but Levi
was already out of the way. His blades sank into the back of the titan's neck,
carving out a slice just above Eren's back. The next strike would see his limbs
cut off if he didn't quit now. Levi would do what he had to.
With a crunch like a falling tree, Eren fell forward onto his knees. Then his
face.
***** Chapter 9 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The titan's body started decaying around him and Levi sliced through the tissue
still attached to Eren. He hooked his bloodied hands under Eren's arms and
heaved him loose.
Eren was hot.
Literally, physically hot. He was always warm fuck was he warmbut this time
Levi found himself putting the back of his hand on the young man's forehead and
hissing in concern. As expected, Eren was completely out of it. His eyes were
shut, and his mouth hung slightly open as he breathed in a laboured fashion.
His skin was dry and he looked pale under his tan.
Even for a titan shifter, Levi didn't think that was good. Hange shouldn't have
pushed him; Eren pushed himself enough as it was. The sun was almost directly
overhead, and Levi's head cast a shadow over Eren's face as he felt his neck
for a pulse and found it beating wildly.
Fucking useless brat had to go and make himself sick. Levi had already come so
close to killing him and now he looked hell-bent on killing himself. Levi took
out his signalling pistol and fired a red smoke round, but he wasn't sure how
far away help was. He eyed the line of trees that bordered the edge of the
field. It might be cooler there at least. With a sigh he dragged Eren off his
own titan corpse, and then heaved him up over his shoulder and started carrying
him towards the shade.
Levi concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. He thought his
feet might have been burned; the leather of his boots looked cracked and
scorched beyond repair. Eren's skin was like molten iron; everywhere he touched
felt too hot for comfort. The sun was a physical weight on his shoulders and
head. The shade didn't seem to be getting any closer but eventually, while the
hoof-beats Levi was waiting for didn't materialise, another sound did impinge
on his consciousness.
Running water.
This neat line of trees delineated a stream.
“You're very fucking lucky, brat,” Levi breathed. His throat was parched. He
forced himself onwards, and nearly tripped and fell as he stumbled over the
banks of a slow-moving stream, shaded by the trees. A pair of ducks exploded
from the reeds at the edge as Levi approached, honking in surprise as they took
to the air.
Levi stumbled right in, despite the mud and the reeds and whatever other dirt
had collected. He sighed in blissful relief as the cold water filled up his
boots. Filthy, but so cool. He preferred dirt to pain, despite the running
jokes about him. He'd planned to wade in just deep enough to submerge Eren, but
rather than the expected downward slope, Levi's boot met nothing but deeper
water and he stumbled, practically hurling the pair of them into the middle of
the stream with a noisy splash.
Levi grimaced as he spit out a mouthful of river water – actually it tasted
fine, but there had been ducks in it – as he floundered about and found the
bottom. The water only came up to Levi's chest, and he managed to stand,
feeling his boots sinking into the mud at the bottom of the stream. He shook
water out of his eyes as he manhandled Eren to get his face back above the
water. To drown him at this point would just add insult to injury. He rolled
the teenager onto his back and supported him, letting the water take most of
his weight.
Eren coughed and spluttered, which was a good sign, and didn't do anything
alarming like ceasing to breathe. Levi cradled him, one arm under his back and
the other under his head, and watched Eren's hair wave gently in the cool
water. His uniform was soaked, and he knew the ride back would be horrible, but
right now the water just felt good and cool. Even if it probably wasn't very
clean.
He glanced around occasionally at the dappled sunlight and the dragonflies
dancing over the water, keeping an eye out for Hange and their rescue party.
The rest of the time he watched Eren, occasionally resting the back of his hand
against his cheek to check his temperature. He seemed to be cooling and his
colour was coming back. Thank fuck. Levi realised his heart had been pounding.
He missed Eren opening his eyes. He was squinting out into the sunlit field,
looking at the corpse of the titan when he heard Eren exclaim. Eren tried to
sit up, and promptly dunked himself with a muffled sound of surprise as he
struck out trying to find his feet.
“Hey! Stop thrashing about, you moron.” His boots sank further into the mud and
the waterline crawled up his chest half an inch or so as he lifted Eren back up
to the surface. “Just stay there and float. You can manage that much, can't
you? You were running a bad temperature and you need to stay where you are for
a while.”
“Are we at the ocean?” Eren blinked water out of his eyes, looking confused. He
did his best to obey the order to lie still and float, his eyes darting from
side to side as he tried to work out where he was and what he was doing.
Levi raised an eyebrow. “What's the ocean? We're in a river, which is
marginally cleaner than that cesspool you and your friends were wallowing in a
few nights ago at least.”
“An ocean's, um.” He frowned, and got a guilty look in his eyes. “A place that
I've heard of,” he said awkwardly.
Levi sighed. “Never mind. I don't care.”
“Corporal, what happened? I remember trying to go berserk for Hange and it was
so difficult and I thought of everything I could to make myself angry-” His
eyes widened. “Oh no. I didn't, I'm so sorry, Corporal-” He started splashing
again, trying to get his feet on solid ground.
“Eren.” Levi moved his hands from under Eren's back to his shoulders and shook
him slightly to stop him babbling. Eren bent backwards, his feet on the
riverbed, and he grabbed the lapels of Levi's sodden jacket to steady himself,
his breathing harsh and his eyes wide.
“Sir?”
Levi regarded him coldly for one long moment. “Don't burst a blood vessel,” he
said. “You're such a shitty titan I carved you up by myself in the middle of a
field. I probably didn't even need the 3D manoeuvre gear. I've seen dairy cows
with better footwork than you.”
Eren stared up and Levi glared down, and then Eren's face relaxed into a smile
of mixed relief and affection, even if his eyes still held concern.
“Thank you for saying so, Corporal Levi,” he said. “Thank you for everything.”
“Don't ever try and force your rage again, you understand?”
“Yes, Sir.”
Levi swallowed hard and his gaze slid away to a patch of sunlight on the water
nearby. “I could kill you,” he said. “If I had to. But I'd really rather not.”
“I'm glad of both those things, Corporal,” Eren said. Levi looked back at him
and Eren's expression suggested he meant it. Ah, fuck.
“Eren.” Levi shifted his grip slightly, moving his hands off Eren's shoulders
and up the sides of his neck, letting Eren lift his own weight; his jacket
could take it. He could feel Eren's pulse under his fingers hammering away and
he could see Eren's pupils constrict in surprise when he brushed his thumb
along the young man's lower lip. Water beaded on his cheeks and his hair was
plastered to his forehead, and Levi drank in his expression as he carefully
cupped his jaw.
“Oh,” Eren said softly.
“Okay?” he asked. They'd make him kill this beautiful young man, and he'd do
it, and worst of all Eren would understand and forgive him. Today they'd come
close. So close Levi had felt it, and had brushed against what he'd feel
afterwards, and how much he'd regret. So he'd made his mind up, because nothing
was fair and you could only take what you could get. And he was beginning to
regret every moment longer he spent without closing the gap between them.
“Yes,” Eren said. Levi knew he would say that, but had to ask. He could feel
Eren's grip on his jacket tighten as Levi dipped his head and pressed his lips
against Eren's mouth. Eren squeezed his eyes shut and lifted his head, his lips
were pliable against Levi's skin, but he wasn't game to do much with them;
something to be remedied later.
Levi kept his eyes open, just a little, as he gently took Eren's lower lip
between his own. Eren made a happy little 'unhhh' sound that managed to hook
something in Levi's chest and make it hurt. Levi held him there like that for a
few moments and then released him and raised his head. Eren opened his eyes and
licked his lip and swallowed. Levi waited for him to say something, anything,
but all he did was gaze up at him with a joyful expression.
“I'm getting tired of holding you up,” Levi said. Eren managed to get back onto
his feet as Levi hauled him upright again. His arms were snaking around Levi's
shoulders when the sound of hoof beats made him stumble back and nearly loose
his footing.
“Try not to lose all co-ordination, Eren,” Levi said. “It was just a kiss.”
Several riders on horseback cantered up to the Titan's remains, and Levi stuck
his fingers in his mouth and whistled to get their attention.
“I've never had one before,” Eren whispered hotly, as Levi started tugging his
boots free from the mud and making his way to the bank.
Levi paused, water dripping off his uniform and streaming out of his gear. “I
know,” he said quietly. “It's an honour.” It was another honour to watch Eren
turn bright red to the tips of his ears.
“Thank you, Sir,” he mumbled.
Then Hange and the others arrived and helped them scramble up the bank. Levi's
boots were ruined. Hange was disappointed Levi hadn't taken Eren's temperature
(and how exactly was he supposed to have done that anyway) and got entirely the
wrong idea about Eren's elevated heart rate, which was a good thing. The squad
looked apologetic, and Levi said categorically that it was too dangerous to try
and induce Eren to go berserk and if he got word that Hange had tried another
experiment like this one he'd make them eat their own fingers. Training with
Eren in titan form could continue, but nothing more strenuous than that.
They still had to ride home in the hot sun. Levi's boots squelched with every
step he took, his uniform clung to him uncomfortably and the broken blisters on
his hands were sore. Eren stripped off everything but his white trousers and
dozed off on horseback. Ignoring the former was perhaps the worst part of the
ride home, because the slope of his shoulders, the curve of his back,
everything, was in Levi's estimation pretty close to perfect. It made it hard
to feel regretful about taking his first kiss, and hard to feel anything but
impatient for the rest of his firsts, and if it weren't for the discomfort of
everything else, probably would have made him just plain hard.
When they got back to HQ and after Levi'd had a bath and a change of uniform,
it took him nearly two hours to strip his gear down entirely and clean and oil
it. And he had to wear an older pair of boots.
But fuck it, today had been spectacular. Eren slept most of the afternoon, and
when he arrived at dinner he was back to his old self again. Well, perhaps not
quite. The looks he kept giving Levi were like the sunrise. Levi found himself
taking deep, calming breaths whenever he had the chance.
Eren followed him home. Well, followed him upstairs, anyway.
Levi stood outside the door to his quarters, while Eren fidgeted a few feet
away.
“Um, Corporal Levi?”
“Is this going to be a personal question, Eren?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Then drop the fucking formality, all right? I don't want to be reminded of my
own lack of ethics every time you open your fucking mouth.” He narrowed his
eyes, “Unless you're getting some sort of perverse pleasure out of it.”
Eren flushed. “No Sir- Uh. Levi.” He grinned. They stood in a weird silence
that wasn't really all that awkward until Levi reminded Eren that at some point
he'd rubbed enough brain cells together to come up with a question and if it
hadn't fallen out of the hole he called a head already maybe he should ask it
before Levi fell asleep on his feet.
“What happens now, Levi?”
Levi inclined his head, “What would you like to happen?”
“Well.” Eren drifted forward, awkward and brave. “I'd like to kiss you again,
and things. If you want to.”
Oh, the things he wanted to.
“Eren,” Levi looked into his eyes. “I'm not going to fuck you tonight.”
“Oh.” He took a deep breath; relief or regret, Levi couldn't say. “Oh!” And
then the rest of it sunk in and he started turning red.
Levi opened the door to his quarters and stepped aside. “That being said.” He
waved him in and Eren darted through the door as if he was afraid it would slam
shut on him. Only Levi didn't slam doors; he closed it behind Eren with a solid
click.
Chapter End Notes
     Some of you might be thinking, "Did he really end the chapter -there-
     and traipse off to the beach?"
     Yes, yes I did. Bye!
***** Chapter 10 *****
“It's dark in here,” Eren said.
“Your powers of observation are exceeded only by your good looks,” Levi said
dryly. He stepped around Eren to light a lamp only to hear a clunk and a hiss
of pain as Eren walked into a chair. “Stand still a moment, would you?” He
struck a match and lit the lamp on his desk. Eren had been here before but
never after dark, and he looked around the room like he'd never seen anything
like it in his life. There wasn't much to see; Levi had only moved in here a
few months ago himself, and there was a desk and a couple of chairs, a
wardrobe, and his bed in the corner. It could have been anybody's room,
although it was exceptionally clean.
Levi went and opened some windows.
“You're lucky,” Eren said. “To have windows,” he explained, gesturing weakly
when Levi looked of his shoulder at him.
Levi turned his face to the breeze as the hot air inside his room started to
shift. “In this weather I think you have the best room in the castle. You're
going to freeze your nuts off in winter though.”
Eren huffed a soft laugh. They were both speaking in hushed voices, as if
someone might overhear. Levi gazed out the window at the familiar view. Only a
couple of lights were on elsewhere in the castle. He'd been tempted to pin Eren
against the door as soon as it had closed, but he didn't want to surprise him;
he needed Eren to walk into this with his eyes open, and if he decided to walk
out, Levi wouldn't hold it against him.
“How do you feel?” he asked.
“Nervous.” Eren sounded like he was still standing in the middle of the room.
Levi smiled faintly to himself. Truth be told, he was feeling similar. He let
the moment stretch on, savouring standing on the cusp of this beautiful
mistake. This wasn't a memory, this was now. He heard Eren's footsteps on the
carpet, but was surprised when he felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder.
A moment's breath against his cheek and then Eren leaned in and kissed the
corner of his mouth. He had bottomless courage, didn't he? Levi turned his head
and kissed him back, properly, biting gently at his lips, making his breath
catch. They broke apart for a moment, seeking confirmation or reluctance in the
other's eyes. Levi saw only anticipation and delight.
Eren smiled, and Levi slid his hand up to cup the back of Eren's head, his
fingers ruffling his clean, soft hair. He smelled like soap and lust. They
arranged themselves. Levi put his back to the open window, putting his weight
on the windowsill as they wound their arms around each other, shuffling their
feet.
Eren caught one of Levi's hands and held it carefully, frowning at the bandages
wrapped over the burns.
“I've had worse,” Levi told him. It wasn't enough. “It was worth it,” he added,
and that was.
When Levi tilted his head up and kissed Eren he was greeted with a hot, open
mouth. He allowed himself a brief smile before he accepted the invitation,
sliding his tongue past his teeth. Eren made a slightly choked noise and
pressed Levi against him before retaliating, as clumsy as the way he tried to
shift his weight, as harsh as his breathing. He was a terrible, wonderful
kisser; earnest and fervent and hungry. Levi pulled his lips back and pressed
his teeth into Eren's tongue until he retreated and Levi chased him back, more
gently.
It had been a long time since he'd done anything like this, but he didn't seem
to have lost the knack. Levi let his hands wander up and down Eren's back while
Eren panted against his mouth, his fingers digging into the fabric of Levi's
jacket. He didn't know if this counted as one kiss or two hundred. The breeze
on the back of Levi's neck was cool, but nothing else was.
His blood was alight and he felt feverish. He was glad, so glad, he'd made that
promise earlier, or he'd be lost, caught between guilt and desire. As it was he
could only twist his hips away slightly, and concentrate on fucking Eren's
mouth with his own. It was all he'd allow himself tonight, and his raging
erection would just have to deal with it.
They broke apart and Levi scraped his teeth down Eren's jaw and sucked gently
at his neck.
“Levi,” Eren whispered, choked. “Wow.” Then he came to his senses, or lost them
completely and squirmed down to sink his teeth into Levi's neck, just above his
cravat.
“Ngh!” Levi stiffened and flung his head back.
“Sorry!” Eren drew back sharply.
“I swear to you,” Levi said, struggling valiantly to get this breathing under
control – his heart was a lost cause. “If you leave a mark, you won't live long
enough to regret it.” The effect was marred by the fact that, if Eren's mouth
was any indication, his own looked entirely too debauched to be giving orders
and making threats.
Eren didn't seem to notice, however. “Sorry, Levi,” he muttered, not looking
very sorry at all.
Levi shifted and winced. Somehow he hadn't noticed how painfully the windowsill
had been digging into his lower back.
“Let's move somewhere more comfortable,” he said. The room had cooled down now,
they didn't have to stand next to the window. Eren stepped back and turned to
look at the room and Levi took the opportunity to tuck the end of his cock up
under his belt. Marginally better. Out of the way, at least; he didn't think it
was going to go down any time soon.
“Um, the bed?”
“We're not both going to fit in my chair, where else?” He gave Eren a gentle
push and he stumbled forward. “Take your boots off,” he reminded him.
Eren limped slightly as he walked awkwardly over to the bed and sat on the edge
to take his boots off. He didn't get very far; when he noticed Levi shrugging
off his jacket and unbuckling his harness Eren appeared to forget everything he
was doing and just stare. Levi tugged his cravat loose with one finger, and
strolled over as he took it off before folding it carefully and tossing it on
the bedside table, his eyes on Eren's face. He'd never admit it, but he liked
showing off, especially for such an appreciative audience.
Eren leaned back as Levi bent over him, his teeth scraping across his lower lip
and an apprehensive look on his face. Levi brushed Eren's hair away from his
eyes.
“Relax,” he said. “I made a promise, remember?”
“Whatever you want.” He could see Eren swallow. “It's fine, Levi.” It probably
was; Levi couldn't imagine Eren denying him anything he wanted, but he wanted
Eren to be sure he wanted too. So he smiled and shook his head.
Eren's eyes widened as Levi knelt down in front of him. He allowed his gaze to
slide only briefly over Eren's crotch, and the outline of his cock pressed
against his trousers.
“Levi?”
“I'm taking your boots off,” Levi said, lifting one of his feet and tugging.
They'd given him a new pair after getting the old ones soaked. “Why, what did
you think I was doing?”
Eren mumbled something, it might have been 'I don't know, Sir,' and busied
himself taking off his jacket so he didn't have to look Levi in the eye while
he pulled off his boots. He was so fucking cute.
Levi placed Eren's boots side by side next to the bed, and then he sighed and
rested his head against Eren's knee. A moment later he felt Eren's hand running
through his hair, his fingertips rubbing at the bristly undercut. Levi wondered
how long he'd been waiting to do that.
Levi looked up when it became clear Eren probably wouldn't complain if all he
got to do was pet him like a cat all night.
“Finished?” he asked.
At Eren's nod he straightened up and pounced on him, pushing him down against
the unwrinkled bedspread and kissing him thoroughly. Then he had to stop and
take off his boots, because he'd forgotten, and Eren laughed. They rolled
around each other, wrinkling up the perfectly made bed, and fumbling with
buttons and Levi got his lips around Eren's earlobe and Eren rocked his hips
against Levi's thigh and it was electrifying and Levi repeated his promise in
his head, over and over. He let Eren roll him onto his back and look down at
him and dip his fingers into the hollows above his collarbones, and then he
used his tongue and Levi gasped and Eren grinned.
“What if I leave marks where no one can see?” he suggested.
Levi narrowed his eyes. “I'd like to see you try.”
And they wrestled. Eren laughed as he curled around to nip at Levi's neck and
ears, and Levi palmed the smooth, flat planes of Eren's chest and stomach,
trailing his fingers through the line of hair down from Eren's navel and
feeling his stomach muscles quiver.
Eren admired him, too, tracing the indentations the 3d gear harness had left in
his skin.
“Look at these shoulders,” Eren muttered reverently, before sinking his teeth
carefully into Levi's bicep, and Levi noticed he wasn't leaving marks, despite
his earlier comment. Levi didn't leave marks either; at least, none that
lasted. Eren tasted faintly of soap and salt and Levi found himself mentally
keeping track of how much of Eren's torso he'd trailed the tip of his tongue
over. He got an elbow to the head for his troubles, as Eren squirmed away from
Levi's lips on his ribs.
“Sorry, ticklish,” he gasped out, looking guilty and Levi forgave him instantly
and hauled himself up to kiss him again. Eren decided he wanted to pin Levi
beneath him which was clearly not going to happen, but he tried vailently and
they nearly fell off the bed. Eventually Levi straddled Eren's back and bent
his arm back until he conceded.
It was not the way adults made love; it wasn't even foreplay.
Eren was sixteen, and Levi tried very hard to pretend he was too. He wanted
Eren have the chance to fool around without pressure and without expectations.
He deserved that much; so much of his childhood and adolescence had been taken
from him. To give some of it back was a privilege, more than Eren could guess.
Levi released Eren's arm but didn't shift his weight, instead feeling Eren's
ribs move between his thighs as he panted. Somewhere along the line they'd lost
their shirts over the edge of the bed, although Levi had folded his carefully
first. Levi pressed his lips against Eren's bare shoulder and ruffled his hair.
“Levi-” Eren was trying to twist around to reach him, dishevelled and
breathless and beautiful. The lamp was burning low.
“You should sleep,” Levi said.
Eren frowned and sighed as deeply as he could with Levi's weight on his lungs.
“I don't want to.”
“We'll have more training tomorrow.” He regretted merely uttering the word;
ever since he'd closed the door behind them it had been as if they were living
in no time and no place, that they could wrap themselves up in each other and
the universe extended no further than this room.
“Yeah.”
Levi rolled off him, lying back against the pillows, and Eren sat up, running a
hand through his hair and eyeing Levi's bare chest.
“You're beautiful,” he said abruptly.
“You have strange taste,” Levi replied.
Eren hung his head. “Levi, am I-? That is, is this okay? I'm not bothering you
am I?”
Levi shook his head in bewilderment and sat up, “I just spent the best part of
two hours with various bits of you in my mouth. If it bothered me, I would have
spat them out. What's wrong, Eren?”
“Well you're always doing things for people. If you thought this was best for
me-”
He broke off as Levi groaned and pressed his palm to his forehead. “You're such
a fuckwit, Eren.” He shuffled over to the side of the bed to sit beside him. “I
can pretty much guarantee this is not the best thing for you. Not by a long
fucking shot. You should have someone your own age, someone whose orders you
aren't obliged to follow, and someone whose primary task isn't to kill you if
you step out of line.” Levi bent his head and looked at him out of the corner
of his eye, “Where you're concerned, I'm not as strong as you think.”
“Oh. That's...” Eren cupped his hand against his chest again and even in the
low light Levi could see his face darken. It was the closest he was going to
get to a confession, and Eren seemed to know that.
“And if you're still not convinced, give me your hand.” He held out his own.
Eren hesitated for a moment and then placed his hand in Levi's. Levi turned it
over with a matter-of-fact air and pressed Eren's palm to his crotch for a
moment. “I guarantee you,” he said, as Eren gasped and his fingers started to
curl around him. “I am not faking that.” He pulled Eren's hand away and flung
it back into his lap.
“Levi,” Eren breathed, reaching for him and leaning in.
Levi caught his hands. “Another night, Eren.”
“When?” Eren asked. Horny brat.
“Whenever it feels right. Whenever I'm not exhausted; not everyone got to nap
all afternoon, you know. Now put your clothes back on and go back to the
dungeon. What you do then is your business.”
“You know, if you're not my Corporal when we're like this then you shouldn't be
giving me orders,” Eren pointed out. Levi narrowed his eyes and glared at him.
“I'm going, I'm going.” He started pulling on his shirt. Paused with it over
his arms. Leaned in and pecked Levi on the lips before putting on the rest of
his clothes with the silliest smile Levi had ever seen plastered across his
face. It suited him.
The next day Mikasa asked to speak with him in private.
Levi led her away from the other recruits while they cleaned their gear, aware
of Eren staring at them with a worried expression. Of course they'd find out;
if Levi had learned to read Eren like a book and he'd known him for less than a
year, his friends would have no trouble.
“Speak,” Levi said.
“Will all due respect, Sir,” Mikasa said, in such a way that indicated not a
great deal of respect was owed. “Isn't it inappropriate for you and Eren to
be.” She flushed, and frowned, glaring at a spot somewhere on Levi's chest.
“Doing whatever it is you're doing?”
“Yes,” Levi said. “It's against regulations and you're well within your rights
to report this to Erwin and have Eren removed for my custody.” She blinked at
him in surprise. “If that's what you want.”
He met her angry gaze unflinchingly. Eventually she dropped it.
“No, Sir. It's not.”
“For what it's worth,” Levi said. “I don't know what he's thinking either. I
gave him plenty of opportunities to change his mind, and shall continue to do
so.”
“He seems happy, Sir.” She looked miserable.
“He's lucky to have you, Ackerman.”
She took a deep breath, “Yes, Corporal.”
There was nothing more he could say. Mikasa turned back to the others and
forced a sad smile. Eren, ever the idiot, beamed.
 
***** Chapter 11 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“Hey, Levi.”
They'd grown used to this, sprawling shirtless on Levi's bed, untucking all his
neat corners and pushing the sheets down to the end. Kissing and biting, and
waiting for the summer breeze to cool the spit on their shoulders and necks and
backs. Neither of them knew exactly what held them back, what sign they were
waiting for, but it didn't matter. Levi felt that every hour spent like this
was an hour stolen back from death. They'd neck like teenagers only one of them
was until the lamp burned low, and then he'd send Eren back to his dungeon,
sometimes half-asleep, sometimes still burning for more and stealing kisses
until Levi shut the door in his face. Sometimes, Levi felt it bordered on
torture to see him leave and Eren's footsteps would still be echoing down the
hallway when Levi put his back to the door and yanked himself off.
This and no more. To ask for more was to tempt fate.
It had been a long day of training; they hadn't returned to HQ until well after
dark, and their kisses once they were back in Levi's quarters had been slow and
languid, all tongue and no teeth. Eren was half sprawled across Levi, his lips
against Levi's neck, and Levi idly traced patterns on his back looking up at
the familiar lines of the beams on his ceiling.
“Hm?”
“Did I ever tell you about the ocean?”
That word again. “You mentioned it once, but were pretty evasive.”
“I didn't want to get Armin in trouble,” Eren said. “But now I guess he has
more on us than we have on him.”
“I see.” Levi didn't really like putting it like that. “So what's the ocean
then?”
Eren told him. More water than the largest lake, so much water it stretched
beyond the horizon, the colour of the sky. Eren told him about the salt and the
sand.
“And the water moves, up and down, all day. Washing up and back.”
“That all sounds unlikely to me,” Levi said. “Are you sure this wasn't a book
of fairy tales?”
“No!” Eren sat up abruptly, glaring down at him. “The ocean is real, it's a
real thing, just like the fields and hills of sand and the solid water-” He
broke off as he realised Levi was successfully keeping a straight face, rather
than taking him seriously. “Ugh!” He flopped on his back and sighed.
Levi reached out to ruffle his hair and Eren brushed him off.
“What?” Levi asked.
“I want you to see it too,” Eren said. “I want you to see the ocean too, with
me. And Mikasa and Armin.”
“That's your goal, huh?” Levi abruptly rolled on top of Eren and looked down at
his face. He looked like he was considering trying to throw Levi off, his arms
crossed defensively over his bare chest. “What are you going to do if it
doesn't live up to your expectations?” Levi asked. “Even true stories get
exaggerated with the telling.”
Eren looked up at him suspiciously, checking to see if he was still being made
fun of.
“I wouldn't care,” he said eventually. His arms relaxed and he gazed up at
Levi. “If you were there, and Mikasa and Armin, I wouldn't care if the ocean
really was a fairy tale. If we were all there together.”
“Oh.” Oh, Eren. Levi hung his head. Why did you have to let the future in? It
can't possibly hold anything as beautiful as an ocean, can it? Then again, if
he'd been asked, he never would have imagined his present would hold something
as beautiful as Eren.
“I'm sorry,” Eren said, reading him like a book. “I just wanted to-”
Levi silenced him, covering his mouth with his own. Eren uncurled his arms and
wrapped them around Levi's shoulders, his warm hands tracing fire down his
back. They had this part down perfectly. They didn't shift, didn't stop. They
just held each other more tightly, as if that ridiculous future lay somewhere
on the other side of the other's skin.
This is not a memory, Levi thought fiercely. He slid his hands down Eren's
sides and when he reached his hips Eren arched up against him.
“Eren,” he whispered against Eren's mouth, his fingers hooked over the top of
his trousers. “Can I take these off?”
“Yes. Please, Levi.”
Levi took his time, trailing his lips down a now-familiar jawline, a neck the
taste of which he dreamed of sometimes, while his hands worked with the buttons
on Eren's fly. He raised his head. Eren's eyes were shut, and his fingers
combing through Levi's hair.
“Are you planning on sleeping through while I do all the work?” Levi asked.
“No!” His eyes flew open, and Eren's trousers were loose enough around his hips
now that he slithered out of them a little way as he sat up.
“Not bad,” Levi said, as he helped free Eren's cock from his pants. He'd got an
idea what it was like from the times he'd felt it through Eren's trousers, but
to hold it, hot and hard in his hand, nearly took his breath away. Impatiently
he tugged Eren's pants off, folding them neatly while Eren watched him with
affectionate impatience, propped up on his elbows and his cock twitching
against his stomach.
“I can't believe you'd rather do laundry.” He laughed breathlessly, his face
flushed.
Levi leaned over the edge of the bed and placed Eren's pants on top of the rest
of his clothes, which were in a sloppily-folded pile where Eren had left them
about thirty seconds after he'd entered the room.
“I am capable of doing both you and laundry,” Levi said. Eren's eyes were dark
as Levi crawled up beside him, trailing a hand up through the fine hairs on his
leg, over his knee, digging his fingers a little into his thigh, his gaze never
leaving Eren's face. He could feel Eren trying to keep still under his hand.
Levi relented.
“F-f-fuck,” Eren gasped as Levi palmed his cock in one long, slow stroke,
squeezing a bead of moisture out over his fingers. This sort of mess Levi
didn't mind a bit. He dragged his hand back down, spreading it over Eren's
skin. Levi reminded himself to breathe but it didn't seem to help, as he
watched Eren gasp and twitch with heavy-lidded eyes.
Eventually Eren managed to collect himself. “Okay, okay. My turn.” Eren reached
for Levi's fly with clumsy, shaking fingers. Levi didn't interrupt, just waited
as he undid one button after another. He sat up on his knees and let Eren pull
his trousers down off his hips.
“Oh,” Eren breathed. “Okay, wow.” He reached for him, brushing his fingers
lightly over Levi's hips, down the outside of his legs, working his way up to
touching his cock so lightly Levi frowned in frustration. But he didn't say
anything, he let Eren do what he pleased. Then Eren sat up and wrapped his arms
around him and kissed him. The end of his cock butted against Eren's hip, and
he could feel Eren's against his stomach.
Then they toppled sideways.
“Fuck!” He hadn't planned to plant himself face-first into the sheets, but he
was unable to disentangle his arms from around Eren in time to break his fall
and his pants were still around his knees. He winced a bit as he shucked them
and tossed them over the end of the bed. He would pick them up before he went
to sleep, he told himself. Pick them up and fold them properly.
Eren stared at him in sheer surprise few a few moments, a smile curling the
corners of his mouth. He was getting awfully smug, wasn't he? He'd have to do
something about that. Later.
But right now he had Eren naked on his bed save for the key around his neck,
like he had in his head many times before. Reality was something else, however,
something warmer and sweeter and saltier and sloppier. They slid against each
other, tangling their legs, biting at each other's lips, rocking their hips
against each other, feeling skin to skin. Eren was slightly too hot, especially
in summer, but Levi didn't care; he was warm, he was alive. All was as it
should be.
He felt Eren shudder as he ground himself against his groin. Their cocks butted
clumsily against each other's bodies without hands to guide them but he wanted
to hold on to Eren, and Eren seemed to want the same.
“Levi,” Eren panted. In response Levi sucked on his lower lip. “Levi, wait.”
Levi stilled himself with an effort, raising his head and brushing Eren's hair
out of his eyes. “What's wrong?”
“Levi, at this rate I'm gonna-” He flushed, so fucking cute. “I'm gonna come
like this. Is this right? I mean, is this uh, sufficient for you?” He licked
his lips nervously.
“Are you enjoying yourself?” Levi asked.
“Yes. God, yes.” He wasn't lying; Levi could feel his cock twitching against
his skin.
Levi pressed his cock against Eren's stomach, “You think I'm enjoying myself?”
“Uh huh,” he nodded obediently.
“Then what's the problem?”
Eren grinned, breathlessly. “Nothing. Nothing at all. Fuck me, please.”
“Watch your language,” Levi growled as he descended on Eren's mouth.
Eren had a point though; it wasn't entirely comfortable. So he shifted himself,
trapping Eren's cock between his thighs and rocking his hips.
“Better?” He lifted his head long enough to ask.
“Yea-hhh...” Levi swallowed half the word, licking it right out from between
Eren's lips.
They rutted against each other, and Eren's movements grew jerky and desperate,
and Levi flung all his weight on him to keep him down. He whimpered and sank
his fingernails and teeth into Levi's shoulder and Levi didn't care if he was
leaving marks. He hung onto him, holding his breath, losing it, trying to drink
in every flutter of his eyelashes, every sound that escaped his throat,
everything.
Eren choked on Levi's name, and flung his head back against the pillow and came
against Levi's legs, clutching at him as he fell over the edge. While he waited
for him to come back down to earth, Levi kissed him on the corner of his open
mouth. When he'd recovered his breath Eren snaked a hand between them, and
wrapped calloused fingers around Levi's cock.
“Uh?” Am I allowed to do this, his expression asked.
“Go on, Eren,” Levi rasped, the words feeling like they were coming from
somewhere in the back of his throat.
Levi kept his eyes open. He refused to look away; he wanted Eren to see what he
did to him. Eren wasn't so disciplined; he kept leaning in and kissing him,
undulating his tanned, lean body underneath Levi's own, his eyes fluttering
closed.
“Watch,” Levi breathed, and held his gaze as Eren moved his hand a little
faster. That was better; Eren was a fast learner when he had the opportunity to
observe, and he was soon squeezing Levi just hard enough, thumbing the head of
his cock, and he found the rhythm that made Levi's jaw drop. Eventually his
breath stopped and the muscles that rolled and writhed under his pale skin
tensed up as hard as steel. He came in Eren's hand, still gazing up at him; he
never made any noise other than a couple of choked gasps and he wanted Eren to
see and not to miss anything, not to misinterpret his silence.
Eren had the kind of expression Levi imagined he'd wear if he ever saw the
ocean, his mouth hanging open slightly and his eyes wide as he drank in the
view. He wore it for a few moments and then wrapped his free arm around Levi's
shoulders a pulled him down and pressed bruising kisses all over his mouth and
chin. He hugged him so hard that his knuckles dug into Levi's stomach, his hand
still wrapped around his softening cock.
Levi cleaned them up. Eren would have used his shirt if Levi hadn't told him
not to be disgusting. As if he wouldn't have a clean cloth on hand. The lantern
was burning low and they lay side by side, propped up on the pillows, the sheet
half-heartedly draped over their heated bodies, watching the flame burn bluer
and lower as it ran out of oil.
“Any regrets?” Levi asked.
“Only that we didn't do this a week ago.”
“Hm.”
“What about you?”
“I don't know,” Levi said softly.
Eren sighed and Levi felt him tug on a strand of his hair, “Still feeling
guilty about being a dirty old man?” He chuckled, “You shouldn't; you're the
cleanest old man I know.” A handful of retorts, verbal and otherwise, crossed
Levi's mind, but he didn't respond with anything other than an amused
tightening of his lips. Eren had won the right to make fun of him, and he found
he didn't mind it all that much. He couldn't remember the last time he allowed
himself to be so unguarded and relaxed.
They both knew nothing other than the passage of time would ease Levi's
conscience and Eren didn't push it. Instead he rolled in towards him, wrapping
himself around Levi's arm and smiling up at him. Levi knew he should kick him
out, send him downstairs, and pick all the clothes up off his floor.
He didn't.
At some point Eren would tell him earnestly and truthfully that he loved him,
Levi supposed. Or one of them would die before that happened, and these would
all be memories. But these weren't memories; the warmth and weight on his arm,
the mess on his floor, the breath that ruffled his hair as Eren's bright eyes
closed in happy exhaustion.
Not memories at all.
Chapter End Notes
     There you have it, folks. I set out to write this pairing plausibly
     or die trying and this was the result. Overall, I'm fairly happy with
     it. Usually I write this sort of thing to get a pairing out of my
     head so I can move on, but this time I don't think I'm done yet.
     We'll see.
     Thanks for reading, and all your comments; they make me very happy. I
     have a tumblr now and you can find me at mongoose-bite if anyone
     wants to say hello. I've missed fandom.
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