Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10415493.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Relationship:
      Castiel/Dean_Winchester, past_Dean/John_Winchester, Minor_or_Background
      Relationship(s)
  Character:
      Dean_Winchester, Castiel_(Supernatural), Sam_Winchester, Bartholomew_
      (Supernatural), Gabriel_(Supernatural), Anna_Milton, Inias_
      (Supernatural), Zachariah_(Supernatural), Dr._Robert_(Supernatural),
      Jessica_Moore, Andy_Gallagher, mentions_of_John_Winchester, Meg_Masters
  Additional Tags:
      Drug_addicted_Dean, Caretaker_Castiel, Nurse_Castiel, Past_Child_Abuse,
      Parent/Child_Incest, John_Winchester_Abuses_Dean_Winchester, child_rape,
      Hurt_Dean_Winchester, Implied/Referenced_Suicide, Implied/Referenced
      Self-Harm, Suicide_Attempt, Dean_is_destroyed, Protective_Sam_Winchester,
      Sam_does_his_best, Protective_Castiel, Comforting_Castiel, Virgin
      Castiel, Implied/Referenced_Prostitution, Dean_is_emotionally_unstable,
      Bad_Decisions, Cas_does_the_best_he_can_under_the_circumstances, First
      Time, First_Time_Blow_Jobs, Consent_is_iffy, Anal_Sex, Frottage,
      Premature_Ejaculation, Overwhelmed_Castiel, Dean_hears_voices, Bottom
      Dean, Top_Castiel, Mood_Swings, Religious_Castiel, Attempt_at
      domestication, Not_A_Fix-It, Angst_and_Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Life_is_hard,
      Slightly_internalized_homophobia, First_Love, Unhealthy_Relationships,
      Older_Castiel, Prompt_Fic, Rehab_stint, Implied/referenced_crime,
      Sexuality_Crisis, Size_Kink, Sexual_Tension, Misunderstandings,
      Demisexual_Castiel_(Supernatural)
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-03-23 Completed: 2017-05-18 Chapters: 9/9 Words: 55229
****** The screams inside my head ******
by zation
Summary
     Original prompt: Castiel is very straight laced, level headed and
     from a deeply religious family. He doesn’t believe in sex before
     marriage and has never had any problems resisting because even though
     he has liked girls in the past it’s never gone past friendship, never
     been attraction. Dean is all kinds of messed up. John sexually abuses
     him after Mary’s death and after John’s death Dean turns to drugs and
     crime and his self-hate gets so bad he cuts his wrists. But Sam and
     Jess find him and send him to rehab where of course Cas works. And
     when Dean needs a place to stay well what else would a guy like Cas
     do but offer his own spare room?
     Or,
     The one where Castiel may end up needing to pray for salvation for
     the both of them.
***** Angel cake *****
Chapter Notes
     I might have overdone it with the tags and given away some of what I
     have planned… but I want everyone to know what they’re getting in to!
     So please note the archive warnings and the tags, this story is not
     very nice all the time and the problems in it are not quick fixes.
     Some may take offense at the things depicted in here, stay safe while
     reading, you know yourself best.
     Thank you, BeeCas, for beta’ing and thank you my wonderful prompter
     for having an angel’s patience…
     (title is a piece of the lyrics from the song Devils Don’t Fly by
     Natalia Kills)


When Dean was little he used to hide from his dad in the bathtub because it
made him feel safe. And, most of the time, dad would be too drunk to be able to
find him and then Dean could get almost a full four hours of sleep without
anyone hitting him.
Dad was a mean drunk. And meaner even, as Dean grew older. But he never quite
seemed to remember that Dean hid in the tub. Sometimes he would find Dean,
though, as if on accident and that was the worst.
When dad was drunk it was one thing. The shower curtain would be ripped to the
side, dad would stand there snarling for a moment, sometimes punch Dean. It was
easier to curl into a little ball in the tub, even if the position made it
harder to dodge the blows. On the other hand, Dean had learned a long time ago
that dodging only made it worse. Dad was bigger and faster than Dean and he
would always get him. If he ran it only got worse.
Better in the tub, though, because dad couldn’t really kick him in there. Once
he had tried to stomp on Dean but he had lost his balance and ended up hurting
his back. Dean paid for that, of course, but at least it made the older man not
kick him in the tub anymore.
One of the few times dad had found Dean in the bathtub while drunk had been
quite by accident. Dad had come in to use the toilet and Dean had stayed stock
still in the tub, waiting with baited breath until the man was finished. He had
stumbled, though, and had brushed the shower curtain to the side when he tried
to right himself. He had just stood there, staring dumbly at Dean and still
pissing. A strong stream of stinking piss that went all over Dean and Dean was
too scared of getting punished to do anything about it. Dad seemed to like it,
though, and had masturbated clumsily after, coming directly on Dean’s face.
"Clean yourself up." Dad had muttered and had thrown their bar of soap so hard
at Dean that he got a bruise on his thigh.
Dean had just stayed liked that all night, though, covered in piss and semen
because he knew full well that the janitor that managed their apartment complex
didn’t turn on the water boiler until seven in the morning. And Dean had taken
enough icy cold showers to know that that was worse than trying to sleep in
dad’s stink.
As Dean grew older, the beatings got more frequent as dad got drunker. It was
when he was sober that was the worst, though. Late at night, Dean would huddle
in the bathtub, wishing he could be in his bed with Sammy to share the warmth
but terrified of what dad would do to his precious little brother.
When Dean was younger, and Sammy was just a baby, their mother died in a freak
electrical fire. That in and of itself was a tragedy but Dean’s hell had just
started at that point. After that came years of dad getting more and more
abusive as he let alcohol take over and at some point it had to tip over.
Dean had always been a pretty child, as was Sammy. People told him so all the
time, even when his face was marred with bruises and cuts from dad’s abuse.
Dean always used to think that if he was so goddamn pretty, why did no adult do
anything but tut at his wounds? After a while he started getting tired of the
sad looks that didn’t help at all and he started trying to hide the bruises.
Didn’t want Sammy to know anyway.
What he didn’t know was what kind of curse his prettiness would become. Dean
couldn’t remember completely but he thought he had been around nine when dad
started touching him weirdly. Dean didn’t like it. It made him repulsed by dad
and by himself. His body was too young to understand what was going on but that
didn’t mean he had to like it.
Dad only touched Dean when he was sober. Drunk meant beatings, sober nights
were for touching and Dean hated that even more. When dad was sober it didn’t
matter that Dean hid in the tub, dad always found him.
The first time he had found Dean in the tub he had stroked Dean’s hair, almost
lovingly, and masturbated until he came over Dean’s naked legs. That had been
the start and Dean was ashamed to admit that he missed that time. Later dad’s
touches hurt and Dean couldn’t sit properly for days after. Teachers in school
would scold him and send notes home to dad about how Dean was squirming in
class and distracted the other children. Dad taught Dean what it meant to get
caught by someone else and after that Dean started to learn how to power
through the pain.
The bathtubs still remained Dean’s safe space, even though they weren’t that
effective all the time. All the way through years of physical and sexual abuse,
of protecting Sammy’s innocence and withstanding dad’s constant punishments.
Either Dean was looking too much like his mother and he would get a dick in his
ass or throat, or he wouldn’t look enough like her and he would get a fist in
the face or stomach. Once dad punched him on the throat and Dean thought he
would die. The swelling went down eventually, though, but Dean started
wondering if it wouldn’t have been better if he had died after all. But then no
one would be there for Sammy and Dean never wanted dad touching Sammy at all.
Sam didn’t like their dad but at least they were civil to each other. As the
years passed Sam got smarter and he started cornering Dean about what was going
on during the night and when Sam was out of the apartment. Thankfully dad died
before anything could be figured out and Dean took that moment to just flee.
Sam was living at a boarding school at the time, not the good kind that they
saw on TV but an okay one where he didn’t have to deal with dad. Dean was proud
of him, knew he would go places and become something, someone. So he had opted
to stay out of Sam’s life as much as he could.

Years of constant abuse has taken its toll, though, and even though Dean vowed
never to touch booze he ended up turning to other substances instead. Anything
to make him feel good. And when he’s high on acid and letting guys plow him for
a quick buck he feels desired, if only for that moment.
He still sleeps in tubs, though, because that’s the only place where he’s safe.
Considering all this, it’s perhaps no wonder that that’s where Sammy finds him
after his roommate, who only lets him stay if he can fuck Dean how he wants,
called him and told him he thought Dean had killed himself.
Sammy’s hands are clammy when they grip Dean’s face and Dean’s sight swims
before him, blending Sam’s concerned face with a beautiful woman who looks torn
between anger and concern. Dean doesn’t know why, though. He doesn’t know her.
"Look, can you just get him out? I don’t want no dead body in here."
Good old Gordon, what a pal.
"Could you wait outside?" the young woman snarls and it doesn’t seem like a
question. Apparently Gordon understands that too because he exits with only a
sneer.
"Dean? Hey Dean, you with me?" Sammy hushes and Dean’s eyelids flutters
painfully when he tries to open his eyes more.
"Sammy." He croaks. How many years has it been since he’s last seen his little
brother?
They talk on the phone sometimes and Sam always wants Dean to visit him. Dean
keeps postponing it, though, because Sam is a hot shot lawyer student at
Stanford with a full scholarship and Dean is scared the school might take it
back if they saw what kind of brother Sammy has. Dean would rather die than
mess things up for Sam, which was perhaps why he had turned to the knife
tonight. He doesn’t remember, too high when the decision was made, but it feels
appropriate.
"Yeah, that’s right." Sammy says with a decidedly wobbly voice. "Scared the
shit out of us. Come on, stay with me."
"Sammy." Dean loves his little brother and he wants to do what he says but the
darkness is creeping in and it’s difficult to ignore it. "You came, all the
way?"
Sammy swallows. "Yeah. Your friend said you were dead. I drove all night, Dee."
"‘M fine." Dean knows his smile is more grimace than smile. He claps Sam’s hand
lightly, leaves a bloody trail there. "You go back to school now. Make me
proud."
Sammy looks about ready to cry and the woman steps up, one hand on Sam’s
shoulder and Dean can see the support in that gesture. Good on Sam to find
himself a beautiful woman like this who would willingly go with him to see his
bum brother. Dean just wishes he could have looked better. Wishes at least that
he wasn't covered in vomit and blood.
"We’re not going anywhere." She states with determination. "We’re putting you
in rehab."
Well, fuck.




Castiel hums under his breath as he exits his apartment and locks the door. He
only checks to see if it’s locked twice and then continues down the stairs. His
siblings tease him and call him OCD but Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not a
joking matter. It’s also not something Castiel has. He’s just thorough and it’s
a good thing too, considering his line of work.
Mother had been appalled when he had first told her what he wanted to do for a
living and to this day Castiel has to withstand snide remarks from her. Mother
doesn’t believe in what she calls "common people work" but Castiel doesn’t
understand how she cannot, considering what the Bible says about helping your
neighbor. Gabriel says it’s because Mother is only religious when it’s
convenient for her and while Castiel doesn’t want to believe his big brother is
right, he is inclined to.
On the other hand, Gabriel says a lot of things. Michael calls him a
troublemaker but Castiel thinks that’s because Michael doesn’t agree with
Gabriel’s decision to split from the family and start a candy store. Mother
sure didn’t agree.
Gabriel tells Castiel that he’s walking on thin ice himself but Castiel doesn’t
really care. He loves his family but he thinks what he does is important enough
that if they were to throw him away then that would have to be their problem.
Anna says Mother only tries to convince him to come home and join Michael in
the clergy like he had been about to do because she is afraid Castiel will go
down the same path as their Father. Officially Father is dead but unofficially
he ran away. They don’t speak about that, though.
Gabriel had been the one to tell Castiel the truth, as he saw it, when Castiel
had been sad about Father dying and even though Castiel doesn’t know if
Gabriel’s truth is the actual truth he instantly found it more believable.
Granted, Castiel had only been twelve when Father had left them but to believe
that he had been attacked, mauled, and consequently died from a lion attack
while on a missionary quest in the Serengeti seemed a little far-fetched.
Gabriel had told Castiel that Father had tired of Mother and had taken himself
a wife in the tribe he had been a missionary for. And while that seems almost
as far-fetched, Castiel was, even at age twelve, well-versed in Mother’s
shrewdness and he didn’t think African women were like that. So maybe Father
had found himself a better life on his travels? It would explain why they never
got to see his supposedly dead body and why they had to bury a coffin filled
with stones.
Castiel did feel a little cheated by their Father, though, and when he had told
Gabriel’s truth to Inias, who was only eight at the time, Inias started crying
as if that option was worse. Castiel had gotten himself a scolding from Mother
for spreading lies and they hadn’t talked about that again.
Now, all grown up, Castiel is pretty sure Father had just up and left and he
doesn’t blame him anymore. Castiel loves his family because it says so in the
Bible but he does wish that Mother would stop trying to talk him out of his
work. He liked the clergy well enough but he felt as if there was so much more
he could do for his fellow humans.
Which is why working at the Inpatient Rehab Center in Lawrence, Kansas feels so
fulfilling. Here he can absolutely help people and he dislikes how Mother keeps
referring to the patients as "filthy mongrels" and he really doesn’t like it
when she warns him against getting their "diseases". Castiel is careful enough
and he knows Mother only talks like that because she wants him to quit and he
doesn’t appreciate how she doesn’t even try to understand him.
Gabriel says it’s because Mother is afraid Castiel will either disappear from
their lives like Father did or that he will corrupt Inias with how he thinks.
Castiel thinks both options are laughable. If Inias would end up wanting to
work with helping other people then that would be wonderful, if he would end up
wanting to join Michael as a priest at St. John then that would be good too.
Castiel doesn’t really judge people for what they want to do with their lives,
Mother does that enough for him. Besides, Inias has enough problems with Mother
nagging him about how he is a grown man without a job and living off his wife.
For Inias’ own sanity he really ought to choose a career, Castiel thinks.
He just hopes that Mother doesn’t choose to cut Inias off if he does decide to
do anything that Mother doesn’t like. She had done that with Gabriel but he had
spited her by making it well enough on his own. Castiel had received a more
lenient punishment and he still finds extra money in his account at the end of
every month. He thinks it’s because she still has hopes for him. He saves as
much as he can just in case her kindness doesn’t last.
This month Inias turns 30, though, and Castiel thinks that’s important enough
that it warrants nipping from his savings a bit. He smiles to himself as he
walks over to his beat up Lincoln Continental. To think that Inias turns 30,
how time flies.




"Do you want to tell me about the first time, Dean?"
Dean scrapes his thumbnail along the thin hospital pants he’s got on. He hates
them but it’s the only kind he gets here at the Inpatient Rehab Center. Nothing
of what he wears is his own, not even his boxers. These chafe.
"First time what?"
First time dad hit him? First time dad fucked him? First time Dean came from
dad fucking him? First time Dean fucked someone else? First time Dean held up a
convenience store? First time Dean tried acid?
The list could go on for days but he suspects the doc won’t have any problems
with that. All the doctors here like to talk, a lot. Dean hates that too.
"How about the first time you knew you had a problem?"
Dean snorts out a short laugh. "What do you mean I have a problem? Doc, I am
the problem."
Dr. Robert’s eyes soften and Dean doesn’t like that.
"Was that why you cut your wrists, Dean?"
It hadn’t been deep enough and not in the right direction. Along the arm to
kill you, across the arm for attention. Well fuck, if Dean had known that then
maybe he wouldn’t have to sit here. He sighs and looks down at the bandages
around his wrists. Sammy had been so mad and so sad. Sad is so much worse and
Dean still pretends that he didn’t hear when Sam cried on that woman’s shoulder
after they had brought Dean to the hospital.
That woman is named Jess and she is Sam’s girlfriend. They’re both missing an
exam each to stay here with Dean but they don’t have to. They’re just stupid.
Dean has been here at the rehab center for a week now and he hasn’t tried to
break out yet. Sam is not impressed when Dean tries to tell him this.
"I don’t really remember." He mumbles and scratches at the bandages. He wants
them off but even though the cuts hadn’t been very deep the doc still wants
them to be bandaged for a while longer. "I was high as a kite."
Dr. Robert nods and writes something down on his notepad. Dean hates it when
they do that but he at least tolerates Dr. Robert. The old man is kind to Dean
and doesn’t start yelling when Dean clamps up.
"You strike me as someone who is strong, Dean." Dr. Robert suddenly says and
Dean looks at him with surprise. "I don’t think you were really trying to kill
yourself."
"So I’m an attention whore?"
Dr. Robert smiles indulgently but it’s clear that he doesn’t like what Dean
just said.
"These cuts will eventually scar, if very barely. Do you want to tell me about
your other scars?"
Dean doesn’t know. He has a few and while most of them are from dad, some are
from other things than just beatings. Telling the doc about dad hitting him is
one thing but Dean doesn’t think he wants to share memories of dad fucking his
ass raw. And why should he need to?
Dean is well aware that his addiction problems started with dad and dad’s
various abuses of him but he’s not sure why talking about it would make it
better. Dad always said Dean was stupid, though, so maybe it’s just that he’s
not smart enough to understand how it could help.
Hell, maybe he doesn’t have to tell the doc everything.
"I got this one when dad pushed me against the radiator in our living room." He
says and shows the doc the scar he’s got on his right elbow. "I was five."
Dr. Robert’s eyes flicker with something but Dean doesn’t think it’s something
negative.
"And how did that make you feel?"
Dean grins for perhaps the first time in a month, aside from high grinning,
which isn’t always the same as normal grinning.
"Can you be more cliché?"
Dr. Robert smiles at him and puts his pen to his notepad. "Will you answer my
questions if I am?"
"Maybe."
"Well, in that case," Dr. Robert puts on a serious face but Dean sees the mirth
in his eyes. "Tell me about your relationship with your father, Dean."
This doctor is alright.

                                     *****

For lunch they get a gray gloopy mass served with brown custard and red chunks
Dean thinks are supposed to be meatballs. Dean has once eaten grass, though, so
he doesn’t complain. Other patients do but Dean avoids them.
He knows that the Inpatient Rehab Center is a state-funded rehab center and
that’s why the fee for staying here is so low, so he supposes the cuts have to
be made somewhere. Sam is appalled but Dean thinks it’s alright. If this was a
fancy kind of rehab center he might get better food and maybe better help, even
though Dean is starting to warm up to Dr. Robert, but he wouldn’t be able to
afford it.
The state of the food is yet another thing that’s making convincing Sam to
leave for Stanford difficult. Why, Dean can’t fathom. He has issues, deep
rooted trust issues and lots of other shit. He knows this and with Dr. Robert
he’s started unravelling it, but he fails to see how better food would help.
But Jess says it’s important with nutrition and she’s studying to become a
nurse so Dean thinks she ought to know. He still doesn’t complain, though.
After dad died and Dean ditched Lawrence for a couple of years he had to live
on practically nothing. It was part of the reason why he returned to Lawrence
in the first place, a then friend claiming he had a job for Dean, not that
prostitution isn’t a job but that’s hardly the point. Dean hadn’t done it for
very long anyway.
The point is that he’s fine with this kind of food, even if Sammy and Jess
raised hell with the rehab’s director and the rest of the patients complain
daily. Dean’s starting to think his taste buds might have been destroyed by all
the acid anyway but he doesn’t say this out loud.
Yeah, wouldn’t want to be weird in front of the weirdos. A familiar voice in
his head says and Dean instantly recognizes it as his dad.
See, the thing is that when dad died Dean had thought he would be free but he
found that dad keeps following him around. It’s part of why Dean started doing
heavy drugs; it silenced dad. He’s been coming back now as Dean deals with
withdrawals and it’s not fun. Dean hasn’t told Dr. Robert about this and
doesn’t know if he should. Mind-dad says he shouldn’t because Dean would be
labelled as insane and he would lose whatever connections he’s managed to make
so far. And Dean doesn’t do well with loneliness. He supposes that’s where
mind-dad came from but mind-dad just snorts at that assumption.
Dean is not sure about many of the patients here but he’s managed to get some
cautious friends and he kind of likes them. His favorite by far is Andy
Gallagher because when Dean’s withdrawal anxiety kicks in Andy actually shuts
up and lets Dean be. That feels valuable.
Andy is currently staring down at his lunch with sadder eyes than Dean has seen
in a long time. He doesn’t really know what Andy is in here for but thinks it’s
alcohol. Dean doesn’t like drunks but Andy is alright in that aspect as well.
He’s just sad a lot.
Dean is just thinking about giving Andy his chocolate pudding to cheer him up
when he sees a pair of orderlies walk into the cafeteria. The orderlies are
easy to spot in their teal scrubs and white shoes. They all have swipe cards to
get into rooms the patients aren’t allowed and unlike the doctors the
orderlies’ are often hanging off the pocket on their chest. It’s a stupid place
to have it because it could get tangled if they have to wrestle someone to the
floor, which happens, and it would be easy to steal one. Dean has been thinking
about it, when the withdrawal kicks in something fierce, but he doesn’t really
see the point.
A lot of the patients here want to go home, sometimes to just get back to their
addictive substances, but often because they have someone they miss. Dean
doesn’t really have that. His last home was Gordon’s couch, and sometimes
Gordon’s bed, and Dean doesn’t miss that at all. Gordon gave him acid, though,
so Dean kind of misses that but he supposes he could get his hands on that
anywhere. And Dean’s only family is here in Lawrence, sure, but they’re staying
at a motel and Dean is trying to get them to leave. Next time Sam visits Dean
is going to threaten him into leaving. Dean will hang himself before Sam loses
his scholarship.
Anyway, it’s not the swipe card that catches Dean’s attention. It’s one of the
orderlies.
He’s got hair so dark brown that it’s almost black. In contrast to his
coworker, this guy’s hair is standing on end and looks much fluffier than hair
any man ought to have. He smiles charmingly at the grumpy cafeteria lady when
she spoons up the gray gloop on his plate. She doesn’t look impressed but Dean
sees that the man gets more meat than his coworker.
What catches Dean’s interest the most is how not snide, or downtrodden, or
generally annoyed the man looks. His blue eyes are wide and shine with trust
and kindness and Dean kind of wants to mess him the fuck up.
"Who’s that?"
Andy doesn’t look up until Dean elbows him in the side.
"Castiel and Bartholomew." Andy mumbles and Dean wants to ask more but can tell
that Andy is going to be sad today and it’s hard to communicate with him then.
Dean stares as the orderlies make their way down the rows of tables, wondering
which one is which. He perks up like a goddamn dog when they approach his and
Andy’s table and feels warm inside when the dark-haired man smiles at him. They
choose another table because of course, who would want to eat with crazy
patients, but Dean takes that smile and locks it in the box in his head that’s
reserved for stuff he likes to revisit.




Castiel likes that his schedule allows every fifth week off because it’s like a
little mini vacation almost once a month. Many of his colleagues dislike the
schedule because it involves them working night shifts and weekends, even
twelve-hour shifts on weekends, but Castiel thinks that’s fine. The fifth week
off makes up for it.
The first day back is always exciting for Castiel. Some of the patients he’s
been closely involved with helping might have left during his time off and new
might have arrived. So even though that first day after the week off starts at
six in the morning Castiel enjoys is nonetheless.
They don’t really get lunch breaks but eat whenever they have the time and
Castiel always thinks it’s nice when they do find the time. Besides, most
orderlies take their food in the cafeteria with the patients so it’s like
they’re on the clock anyway because like this they can keep an eye on everyone.
Mother often complains that if Castiel at least put his mind to it he could
study and become a doctor or something better fitted than a mere nurse. Castiel
thinks that’s unfair to him and his colleagues, and to nurses. What he does is
important too and he likes the little windows into other people’s lives that
he’s allowed. Whenever a patient opens up to him and he manages to help them he
feels a little closer to the Lord and it’s a good feeling.
Castiel thinks it’s lucky he isn’t a strictly devout person because otherwise
he would have to pray for his prideful thoughts. Castiel thinks he does enough
already.
"So anyway, I told her that if she’s not gonna put out then there’s no reason
to continue, right?"
It may sound like Bart is asking a question but Castiel has learnt through the
years that many things can be rhetorical. He thinks this is such an instance
and is rewarded for his assumption. A grunt from him earns him a nod from Bart
and then his colleague is on again about his current girlfriend and how she
apparently doesn’t want to "put out".
Castiel knows Bart is talking about sex and it makes him a little
uncomfortable. He doesn’t try and force his views on other people but he is a
firm believer of abstaining sex before marriage so hearing Bart talk about each
new girlfriend as if it’s nothing always makes him uncomfortable.
He knows it’s Mother’s teachings, the abstaining rule, but Castiel likes it
anyway. Likes it in a more romantic way, perhaps. But oh boy, did Mother warn
him and his brothers when they were younger about the temptations of the flesh.
Giving in to them put you in Hell, she said, and that scared Castiel when he
was little. Now he knows better and although he believes in Heaven and Hell he
does think that it would take a little more than some sex to put him in Hell.
Still, he wants to save himself and he has.
The truth is that while he’s had a few girlfriends he hasn’t even had any
troubles keeping his pants on. Gabriel has teased him quite a bit for it but he
doesn’t think twice about that. Of all his siblings, Gabriel is so far the only
one who didn’t wait until marriage. Michael is married to the church and will
never lay with a woman. Anna and Inias are both married and happily so. Gabriel
has a string of girlfriends and one-night-stands under his belt, not unlike
Bart, and seems okay with that.
Castiel is the only one without and he tells himself that it’s because he’s
married to his work and not because of lack of interest. Gabriel is the only
one that knows Castiel is still a virgin because Mother likes assuming and
Castiel didn’t see the point of correcting her. He’s not ashamed of being a
virgin but he doesn’t like to talk about it with his Mother.
As he sits there, only half listening to Bart’s grumbling, Castiel finds his
eyes drawn to that green-eyed youth sitting a couple of tables away. The man is
younger than Castiel, perhaps as much as ten years younger, and he had sat up
so straight when Castiel and Bart walked past that Castiel almost thought he
was about to say something.
Castiel ransacks his mind but thinks the green-eyed man is new. He’s sitting
with Andy Gallagher and Castiel thinks that’s nice. Andy needs a friend in here
and the young man seems friendly enough. He sees bandages around the man’s
wrists and sadness twists his heart for a moment but that’s not unusual. He
always feels a lot for most of the patients here. He makes a mental note to
make time to talk to the man later.

                                     *****

"This looks lonely."
The young man looks up from his game of Sorry. He flashes Castiel a smile
that’s whiter than it probably should be considering he’s probably in here
because of an addiction. In fact, aside from the bandages, the man looks very
clean.
"I played with Andy." The man explains and gestures to the blue pieces. "But he
got sad or something, I dunno. Started talking about his brother and then ran
off."
Castiel’s eyes soften. "Andy’s brother died not long ago."
Judging by the man's widening eyes he immediately sees that that was
oversharing. He had thought that the topic had come up during group therapy
because Andy talks a lot about his brother but perhaps Andy and this young man
aren’t as good friends as Castiel had hoped. He feels silly now; that wasn’t
his sorrow to share.
"Oh." The man says and glances at the doors that lead to the dormitories. "That
sucks."
Castiel puts his hand on the back of the chair opposite the man. "May I?"
"How proper of you." The man says with a new smile. "You may."
The man scoops up the pieces, his green and Andy’s blue, and starts putting
them in the starting position. He puts out the blue for Castiel too and Castiel
smiles when he’s offered the dice.
"I’m Castiel."
"Dean."
They play for a while and Castiel likes how Dean laughs when he manages to punt
Castiel out of the way. He says "sorry" in an exaggerated way and Castiel
pretends to get grumpy, which Dean seems to enjoy. Some of the patients are in
here more for psychological reasons rather than addictions and Castiel doesn’t
know which one he hopes for Dean. The man seems cheerful, though, but that
could easily be a façade. Something to hide behind in unfamiliar territories.
Dean mimes at shooting Castiel when he wins and Castiel sighs at him but still
smiles.
"Do you have a brother, Castiel?" Dean asks as they rearrange their pieces into
the starting position yet again.
"I have three. And a sister."
Dean whistles but Castiel doesn’t comment. He’s used to people raising their
eyebrows at his big-ish family.
"I got the one. A brother." Dean says after a moment and Castiel nods.
He gives Dean the dice to start this time. "Are you close?"
Dean rolls the dice in his hand, looking pensive all of a sudden. "I wanna be,
but I don’t think so." He looks up with a sheepish grin. "On the other hand
he’s the one who put me in here so I guess he’s gotta like me some, right?"
Castiel nods with a smile. "I’m sure he does."
"Although, this is kinda like prison." Dean grins and rolls a six, much to his
amusement. "Maybe he’s punishing me?"
"You don’t like it here?" Castiel rolls a four, making Dean smirk wider.
"Starting to get a bit better." He winks and Castiel swallows.
He wants to say that’s good but finds himself unable to talk for a moment. Dean
has very long lashes.




"Pretty like your mommy." Dad breathes in Dean’s ear, his breath sour like it
always is these days. Dean whines as dad pushes his dick inside Dean’s ass.
It’s still sore from yesterday and dad feels huge. "So girly. Not girly enough,
though." Dad grabs Dean’s soft dick and squeezes so hard Dean can’t help but
scream in pain. "Shut up." Dad chastises harshly. Dean is crying now. "Do you
wanna wake Sammy?"
"No!" Dean rasps because he really doesn’t want that. He wants to wake Sam up
even less than he wants dad to stop doing this. Sammy can never know about
this, Sammy can never be involved. "No please, I’ll be good."
"Dunno, Dean, you’re always a little bad, aren’t you? Crying, snot all over
your face. You look disgusting."
Dean’s breath is knocked out of him when dad presses him down on the bed,
really laying into Dean’s ass now. He can’t breathe and he’s choking on his own
sobs. This is where he dies, he thinks not for the first time. If he dies dad
will go after Sammy. But if he dies he won’t have to feel this anymore. It
feels like his ass tears with the next thrust. Dad is panting loudly now. Dean
can’t breathe.

Dean jerks awake with a choked off scream. He’s tangled in the scratchy blanket
in his room at the rehab center and his breath comes out in wheezes as he tries
to calm himself. It isn’t happening, though, because mind-dad keeps yelling at
him and damnit, he had hoped mind-dad would leave him just for tonight. But no,
of course not. The acid was what made everything bearable and in here he
doesn’t have that.
In here the memories rush at him and he hates how weak he his. He’s been with a
lot of men since dad and he likes it so why do those memories make him scared
like this? He’s grown now, no one would be taking advantage of him anymore,
he’s safe. Right?
Wrong, baby boy.
He’s a hiccupping, sobbing mess. Disgusting just like dad always said and he’s
trapped in his blanket, screaming for air. He rolls to the floor just as the
door to his room is flung open and he tries to gather his arms under him so he
can get up. Tries to make his legs work, tries to prepare for fight or flight.
Doesn’t matter, though, dad will get him every time and if he doesn’t he might
go after Sammy.
"I’ll handle this, Bart." Someone who is not dad says.
Dean looks up and sees that man with the blue eyes. The man with the name like
an angel, Dean can’t remember it now but he remembers the words that had
flittered through his mind as the man introduced himself.
"Angels watch over you."
Mom used to say that, even mind-dad can’t argue with that.
"But…" a man behind the angel says.
"It’s okay." The angel says over his shoulder, his words harsh but Dean isn’t
scared because it’s not meant for him.
In the next moment he finds himself cradled in the angel’s arms. He’s strong
and big, a bit bigger than Dean but Dean thinks that’s because he’s older. Not
bad older, like dad had been, but safe older like…like angels.
"Cas…" he starts, thinks that’s part of the angel’s name. He’s ashamed that he
can’t remember all of it but the dream still fucks with his mind. "Cas."
The angel nods and starts rocking Dean. "Cas is fine, Dean."
"Angel cake."
Cas huffs out a smile. "That’s right. Angel of Thursday." Dean clings tighter
and wills the dream away with the help of Cas’ clean smell. "You’re safe."
"Cas."


***** Initial trials *****
Chapter Notes
     Thank you all for your support! <3


Dean tries to smile when Cas joins him on the park bench out in the Inpatient
Rehab Center garden but he can feel how insincere it is. He can’t help it,
though. Just keeps thinking about having those bad dreams and about Cas holding
him to get him through it. And he feels like a little bitch.
Jesus, he’s even been crying in front of the man. It only happens during the
night and Dean tries to hide behind his usual swagger when daybreak comes but
it feels like Cas can see right through him. Dean still hasn’t decided if he
likes that or not.
Cas, for his part, seems completely unaffected by it and a part of Dean thinks
that that’s because he comforts patients on a daily basis. Dean feels kind of
jealous about that. Wants Cas to be his a little more than the others.
"You chose a great day to come out here." Cas comments lightly and Dean knows
that if any of the other orderlies had tried something like this with him then
he would be walking off right the fuck now.
Cas gets under Dean’s skin in a good way.
"I couldn’t stay inside. Katie is having a fit."
Katie is new, newer even that Dean, who’s only been at the center for about
three weeks, is no longer considered new. Katie has a lot of problems and the
rumor that goes is that she got drunk off her ass and imagined her friend and
boyfriend becoming werewolves and that was why she attacked them with a pair of
scissors. Dean personally thinks that she might be a bit too mental to have
around easier cases like himself but he hasn’t said this out loud.
Cas nods. "She has been through a lot."
"As if she’s the only one." Dean snorts. This makes Cas’ eyes soften and oh
shit, Dean and his big fucking mouth.
"Do you want to talk about why you cut yourself?"
Dean doesn’t. He thumbs as the scabs; secretly he’s pleased that the in-house
doctor told him that they probably won’t scar, not very visibly. He feels
ashamed now, especially since he can’t really remember what happened. Mind-dad
keeps mocking him for it, making up stories. At least Dean thinks they’re just
stories.
"Dunno what difference that would make."
"It might ease your mind."
Dean knows orderlies aren’t doctors and there’s really no point in talking to
them. They are there for the safety of the patients, the staff, and for helping
the staff with various minor treatments. Not for psychological or philosophical
discussions. And most orderlies don’t want to either. Cas is just so different
on so many levels.
"I already talked to Dr. Robert and that helped jack squat." Dean is being
petulant but is still afforded one of Cas’ little smiles.
"If not for you, then perhaps for me? Help me not worry about you, Dean."
Cas worries about him? Dean’s chest feels too tight and he hopes he’s not
having a panic attack but he doesn’t really know what else it could be.
"I don’t remember doing it." He mutters to the ground, one thumb still pressed
against a scab. "I was high. But I think I was sad too so that might be it. I
haven’t really tried to take my life before but I’ve been thinking about it a
lot."
This makes Cas frown. Dean wants to smooth out the wrinkle between his eyebrows
and—scratch that. Dean wants to kiss him. Yeah, so it came to that. Two weeks
of knowing Cas and Dean is already fucking everything up. Might be that Cas is
handsome and smells great, has a great body. Or it might be that Cas is so
fucking nice to Dean all the fucking time. Dean doesn’t know but he does hope
that the nightmares about dad will start getting replaced by wet dreams about
Cas.
"Your life is precious, Dean."
Look at him, getting all poetic.
Dean wishes mind-dad would let him listen to Cas in peace.
"Yeah? Well if I had everything under control Sammy wouldn’t be here in
Lawrence right now and fucking up his education. Or, you know, if I died he
wouldn’t have to take care of me at all."
Dean has a habit of turning sadness into anger. Cas doesn’t know this, of
course, but the look he gives Dean says that he might be coming to that
understanding and that he’s okay with that. Dean’s never really had someone
accept him. Maybe he’s just projecting?
"Is Sammy your brother?"
"He doesn’t like to be called that." Dean grumps and Cas smiles indulgently.
"Your brother is here because he chose to be here for you, Dean. Because he
loves you."
Damnit, now Dean’s about to cry for real.
"Well you know what?" he spits and rises on unsteady legs. "If he loves me so
goddamn much he would honor my dying wish and just fucking go back and finish
his goddamn education!"
Cas seems unfazed by Dean’s screaming and that makes Dean feel worse. Like the
fucking maggot he is he turns and runs. Because running from his problems are
apparently all he’s good for. Fuck, he’s never wanted some acid more than he
does right now.




Castiel finds Dean later in his room, curled into a little ball on top of his
narrow bed. The sight tugs at Castiel’s heart and he finds himself knocking on
the partially open door and stepping inside before he’s even thought this
through.
Castiel has always believed that one step on the road to recovery is having
someone to confide in and he always makes an effort to connect with the
patients that want his company. Dr. Adler, the head of the Inpatient Rehab
Center and Castiel’s boss, doesn’t always approve of this method and Castiel
knows that most of his colleagues, Bart included, think it’s a waste of time.
They let him keep at it, though, as long as no one gets hurt and so far no one
has.
So that Castiel finds himself drawn to Dean is nothing new to him because Dean
is a person in need and Castiel can’t turn his back on someone like that. The
continued tugging to his heart is new, though, and he makes note of it to deal
with it later.
"Dean?" he calls softly and Dean shuffles on the bed, pulling himself tighter,
but he doesn’t object Castiel entering his room.
During the day the doors are to remain open, or at least ajar, at all times so
Castiel leaves a little slip open but closes the door as much as he’s
comfortable with. If any of his colleagues were to happen upon the door and
find it too closed for their liking they would look in through the window on it
and see him in there anyway. Besides, Castiel isn’t afraid of Dean. He’s got
his assault alarm on and Dean seems more prone to self-harm than to attacking
other people. Whenever there’s a fight between patients Castiel has noticed
that Dean slinks away to hide until the commotion is over. He wonders if Dean
is aware of doing it or if it has something to do with the trauma that pushed
him into doing harmful substances in the first place.
"May I sit?"
Dean usually makes fun of Castiel’s somewhat formal way of speaking but this
time he only gets a grunt in response and Dean shuffles some more, making room
for Castiel on the bed. Castiel squints at the bed. He had meant to sit on the
chair opposite the bed but if he were to refuse Dean’s invite it might make
things worse.
Castiel isn’t educated in psychology but he has been working at the rehab
center for quite some time now. He sits on the bed.
"I want to apologize." He starts slowly. Dr. Adler always tells them not to
give the patients right, even if the orderlies were in the wrong. It would give
them power over the orderlies, Dr. Adler says. Castiel believes in making
amends when he has done something wrong. "I shouldn’t have pushed you into
talking about your self-harm."
Dean rolls over to peer at Castiel with suspiciously wet eyes. The light is off
in his room and it’s already dark enough outside that what little light
trickles in through the barred window in Dean’s room is almost too little.
There’s a little light coming from the corridor outside the room, though, and
together with the window it’s just enough to make Dean’s eyes shine. Castiel
can even see that the young man looks plagued with whatever weighs heavy on his
heart.
"‘S okay." Dean mumbles and Castiel breathes a sigh of relief. "You’re just
nice and stuff. ‘S me that’s fucked up."
"Dean." Castiel says kindly and allows himself to relax back against the wall
that the bed is pushed up against. "You’re hurting, it’s okay to show emotions.
You don’t have to pretend with me."
"I jus’ don’t get it." Dean sits up but looks wobbly. Castiel thinks about
withdrawal but hasn’t been with Dean enough to know the signs of when his pain
kicks in. So far it doesn’t seem like Dean experiences much of it and Castiel
prays that trend will continue. "Why’re you even talking to me?"
His speech is a bit slurred too. Castiel is thinking about calling the nurses
for some pain medication. He knows that Dean has mostly been addicted to LSD
and that some doctors say that comes with fewer physical withdrawal symptoms
than some other drugs but he doesn’t know if Dean has used other drugs too.
"Because I care, Dean."
"Yeah, but why?" Dean lurches forward and Castiel catches him by his shoulders
before he can smack his face on the wall. Dean leans into the touch. "‘M just
me. So fucking worthless. You’re wasting your time."
Castiel knows this is the withdrawal and trauma talking. He doesn’t need, or
even wish, to know what’s happened to Dean for him to feel like this but he
does wish he could take it away.
"You’re not worthless, Dean. Every life matters equally."
"Fucking Cas with his fucking kindness." Dean almost sobs and Castiel frowns,
unsure what he said wrong. "Stop touching me, I’m disgusting. You’ll get
infected."
"Dean, please don’t talk about yourself like that." Castiel begs quietly. He
doesn’t take his hands from Dean’s shoulders and Dean doesn’t move away.
"Whoever told you that you’re disgusting and worthless are wrong."
"Good little soldier." Dean rambles and he’s crying now. Castiel’s heart breaks
in an unfamiliar way. "Take it up the hole, doesn’t matter which. Got two, you
choose."
For some reason Castiel hadn’t thought sexual abuse would be one of the traumas
that Dean’s suffered but it stands clear to him now that it is and it makes him
incredibly mad. This is dangerous, though, and he should call in a nurse or see
if Dr. Robert is available over the phone this evening.
Dean should be talking to someone with experience and education and not someone
who… who simply cares too much. Castiel firmly believes that the good Lord
wants people to help their fellow man but he’s starting to think that maybe he
wants to help too much. For one, he’s still touching Dean.
He can’t, for perhaps the same reason, let go of Dean, though.
"I’m sorry, Dean." He murmurs soothingly. Dean sags against his side and
Castiel catches him in an awkward embrace.
"Ugly."
"Wonderful." Castiel counters and Dean makes a whimpering sound that makes
Castiel’s arm tighten around him.
"Can I sit in your lap?"
A highly unconventional request, of course. But Dean is in need of comfort and
Castiel is prideful enough that he thinks he can offer that comfort. He’s read
in Dean’s patient file that he’s lost both his mother and father but Castiel
doesn’t know how closely their passing coincides with Dean ending up here. It
might be that he grew up without his parents altogether and that he’s just
latching onto Castiel as a kind of father figure. He is older than Dean, after
all.
That explanation doesn’t sit very well with him but Castiel can’t for the life
of him say why so he pushes the feeling aside.
"For a little while." He concedes and the moment Dean slides over it becomes
quite clear that whatever Dean sees in him it is not a father figure. Unless
Dean had a very unhealthy relationship with his father and dear God, Castiel
hopes not.
Because, unlike what Castiel had believed, Dean doesn’t sit with his legs
across Castiel’s like a child would sit in a parent's lap. No, he straight up
straddles Castiel’s lap, crotch coming down to press flush against Castiel’s as
Dean places his face right in the crook of Castiel’s neck.
"You smell good." Dean mumbles, but there is still sadness and tears evident in
his tone so Castiel reins in his emotions and allows this position, even if
it’s making him uncomfortable.
Grown men are not supposed to touch like this. Castiel knows this, has heard
Mother rant about it enough, and he has frankly not really thought twice about
it. Because why would he? Before starting working here he hadn’t encountered
anyone who was…who was that way and he certainly didn’t know anyone personally.
Mother always said it was an abomination, though, but as he sits there with
Dean straddling him he starts thinking that that had maybe just been Mother’s
narrow minded world-view rearing its head.
Because yes, this feels strange but it doesn’t feel wrong. It feels like
comforting someone and when Castiel puts his hands on Dean’s back he can
actually feel the man relax. It might just be that Dean is a physical person
and if a little affection like this can help him overcome his anxieties then
who is Castiel to deny him?
Dean’s stubble catches on Castiel’s own five o’ clock shadow and he makes a
face but doesn’t say anything. Dean is looking at him with hooded eyes when he
sits back a bit but at least he’s stopped crying.
"Thank you, Cas." He mumbles and Castiel smiles at him. See, it didn’t have to
be weird.
"It’s no problem, Dean." He strokes his hands down Dean’s back. Dean squirms in
his lap. "And I know anxieties can be tough, obviously you have been through
some tough times but please remember that you’re not worthless." Dean gnaws on
his lower lip and Castiel can’t stop looking at it. His hands lands on Dean’s
rump. "And remember that you’re beautiful."
Their cozy bubble is broken the moment he feels Dean’s penis twitch against
his. Castiel’s eyes widen a fraction and Dean looks terrified for a half-second
before he’s rolling off in a movement too graceful to be true. He lands on his
feet like a cat and bumbles out a an apology, a thank you, a good night, all
wrapped up in one and all without looking at Castiel before he rushes into the
little toilet adjoining his room.
Castiel just sits there a moment and tries to understand what had happened.
You smell good. Dean had mumbled.
Castiel’s ears are heated when he eventually exits Dean’s room. Dean is still
in the toilet.




"I’m telling you, Sammy, enough is enough. Get back to Stanford before they
revoke your scholarship or some shit like that."
Sammy looks ashen in the face and Dean thinks he’s getting more sleep than his
little brother is. Especially now that dad is being maneuvered out of Dean’s
dreams and replaced by Cas, finally. Dean’s been hoping for that for at least a
week and it’s finally happening. In his dreams he doesn’t get off Cas’ lap and
Cas kisses him more tenderly than Dean would have thought he would like.
"But Dean, you…"
"Me, me, me." Dean sighs and watches how Jess rubs Sammy’s back. "I’m a screw
up but I’m trying to fix it. The rehab center will let me stay for a while
longer and I ain’t going anywhere. I promise I’ll fix my shit."
Sammy frowns at that but Jess cuts him off.
"We’re not worried about that, we just want to be here if you need us."
Dean can’t snipe at her because he doesn’t really know her. He thinks Sammy
brings her as a shield and wants to be grouchy about that but can only applaud
the inventiveness.
"I got everything I need here." Funny how Cas chooses that exact moment to walk
into the visitation area. "What I don’t have is peace of mind. You’re stressing
me out Sammy."
"Me?"
"Yeah, you." Dean imitates in that annoying big brother way he knows Sammy used
to hate but that now only makes him look happy for some fucked up reason. "I
can’t relax when I’m thinking about how much school you’re missing."
He’s missing it because of you, Dean. You’re such a fucking bad big brother. If
only mind-dad wouldn’t be so right all the fucking time this might be easier.
Dean wishes he has something that will make mind-dad go away for good.
"This is not about school, Dean." Sammy says reproachfully. Dean waves Cas down
and smiles when the man breaks off from his horrible coworker to veer off in
Dean’s direction. "This is about my big brother getting better, okay? You’re
all the family I got left."
"That’s nice." Dean says as nicely as he can because it really is and he kind
of wants to cry a bit over it. "And I like that you’re here and willing to
sacrifice yourself for me but I’m telling you, I’ll not be able to relax until
I know you’re on top of everything again. I want you to have a good life. Marry
and make babies and shit." He waggles his eyebrows at Jess but is not met with
the grin he usually gets when he flirts like that. She’s good.
Sammy looks mostly unimpressed but when Cas stops by their table he turns to
smile up at the man instead.
"Hello."
Dean tries to suppress the shiver that usually goes down his spine when Cas
talks but man is it hard. Dean has never really gone this long without sex and
Cas is starting to feel like sex on a stick. It’s difficult to tell if that’s
because he’s the handsomest guy in here or if it’s something about Cas in
particular, though.
"Look, Sammy, you don’t have to worry." Dean grins and pulls at the hem of Cas’
teal scrubs. "I gots me my very own angel to look out for me."
Cas cocks his head to the side and then turns to Sammy, a smile on his lips.
Dean’s still holding Cas’ scrubs.
"Are you Dean’s brother?" he asks with obvious interest. "Dean speaks highly of
you, it’s a pleasure to meet you."
Sammy blinks and then smiles back. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."
Cas sits down beside Dean like he belongs there and Dean kind of thinks he
does. "I’m Castiel." They shake hands, all three, and Dean leans back in his
chair with a satisfied smirk. "Dean has been telling me about your studies."
Thirty minutes of chit-chat later and Cas has Sammy convinced that Dean is in
good hands and that it’s safe for him to leave for California. Dean promises to
call every day and if Sammy is unable to answer then Dean promises to leave a
message. Dean thinks both Sammy and Jess look happier when they hug him goodbye
and he knows they have been wanting to get back to their schoolwork too. This
is great, though. Like this he’s not a burden anymore. Well, except for the
state but fuck the state, right?
"You have a great family, Dean." Cas says softly as they watch Sammy and Jess
leave, waving over their shoulders.
"Yeah. Small, but great." Dean picks at the table for a moment and is glad Cas
remains by his side. It’s keeping mind-dad silent, which is good because
despite good dreams about Cas this last week has been horrible, plagued with
withdrawal flashbacks and shit. Cas has been his only constant and Dean is very
grateful for it. "I left him alone for so long after dad died." He mumbles
suddenly. Cas turns to look at him but Dean doesn’t look back. "I feel bad for
it."
"I’m sure he’s forgiven you."
Dean snorts. "I wouldn’t. But yeah," he stares wistfully at the door through
which Sammy left. "I think he has."
"Everyone deals with grief in different ways."
Dean makes a face as he remembers dad’s death. "Dad was an abusive asshole of a
drunk, when I found him drowned in the fucking bathtub I thought I should feel
happy. Sammy was at his boarding school so he didn’t have to see dad like that
but even with how bloated and disgusting he looked I still thought I ought to
be happy." He swallows over a lump. "I wasn’t."
Cas makes a small noise of understanding. "Losing a parent is never easy, no
matter how you felt for them."
Dean nods even though he doesn’t think that should be true for dad. Not after
what he did.
"I fucked up, though."
"How do you mean?"
Dean wishes they were in his room rather than in the visitation area,
surrounded by patients and their relatives. But he kind of feels like saying
this now because Cas has been so nice to him and Dean has given so little back.
Doesn’t feel like he could continue if they stopped to relocate, though.
"When I found dad like that I just stared at him for a moment and then I left.
Like, fucking walked out of the apartment. I stayed with a friend—sort of
friend—until I had calmed down and then I called Sammy. By that time it was a
bit too late, though. The landlord had already been notified of the smell and
they had found dad. And since I wasn’t answering my phone they had called
Sammy." Dean finds that his voice is failing him and he thinks he would hate to
cry out here but then there is a lot of crying going on in the visitation area.
"Sammy handled everything. The body retrieval, the funeral, the sanitation of
the apartment. He was fifteen, who does that to their kid brother, Cas?"
Cas puts a hand on Dean’s thigh just as Dean’s about to burst out crying. His
voice is squeaky and he can’t breathe properly. If he lucks out he might choke
to death right now. He shouldn’t have brought this up, not now, not ever.
"No one blames you, Dean."
I do. You left my fucking corpse to rot.
"Well they fucking should." Dean spits but it’s low enough that he’s still not
drawing attention to himself, thank fucking god. "All I ever did was sign off
as Sammy’s legal guardian so that he could keep staying at that boarding
school. I took what little we got from dad’s life insurance and paid for a full
ride for him, he even stayed there during the summers. It was his fucking home
all through high school, Cas."
"That’s not a bad thing, Dean." Cas soothes but Dean can’t hear it, can’t
believe he made the right choices.
"I should’ve gotten a job, should’ve kept the apartment so he had somewhere to
come home too. He was all the way in fucking Utah and I was all over the
goddamn place. Sometimes we didn’t speak for weeks." Dean is near
hyperventilating and he doesn’t know how it got this bad. He was happy about
Sammy going back to Stanford not twenty minutes ago, what the fuck? "Why is he
even here? What does he want?"
Cas squeezes his thigh, turns more bodily to Dean. "He wants to love you, Dean.
Unconditionally, like only little brothers can."
Dean can’t breathe.
"Can…can I sit in your lap?"
They have been doing that on and off during the last week and Dean thinks
that’s contributing to his pleasant dreams but it’s also doing wonders for his
anxieties. Cas allows it sparingly and Dean greedily accepts whatever he can
get.
"Let’s go to your room."
Dean holds on to the hem of Cas’ scrubs all the way there.

                                     *****

It’s two days later when Dean finally learns the exact reason why Andy is so
sad about his brother’s death.
Group therapy is always a pot waiting to boil over and Dean doesn’t envy the
attending doctor who has to do his or her best to keep everyone levelheaded.
Dean, for his part, always stays rather quiet because he’s afraid that if he
opens his big fat mouth he’s gonna have a meltdown like he has with Cas. On the
other hand, Dean doesn’t really talk to anyone else quite like he talks to Cas.
Dr. Robert is close but Dean still keeps a wall or two up between them. He
thinks the doc knows this but that he’s doing well enough that it’s not worth
mentioning at this stage. Dean doesn’t like walls with Cas.
Anyway, the group therapy starts off as it usually does, slow and everyone
unwilling to talk. Andy has been twitchy all day, though, and he suddenly goes
off during Katie’s stilted recollection of her first time touching booze.
Andy is red in the face, crying almost explosively and even though orderlies
rush in to tackle him to the ground Dean still manages to catch the gist of
what’s having Andy so upset. Today is apparently the anniversary of his twin
brother’s suicide and Andy blames himself. Dean gets to hear, quite vividly,
why it’s all Andy’s fault and shit, Dean never knew incestuous relationships
could be good.
Well, not that it ended well for Andy and his brother but it sure sounded like
they loved each other but because they were brothers the anguish of never quite
being able to be together got to be too much for Andy’s brother. Jesus fuck,
Dean feels bad for the guy.
But it also gets him thinking. Dean’s had this itch under his skin for a while
now and he’s willing to bet Cas is too straight laced to be willing to do
anything about that. Besides, Dean doesn’t even know if he wants to corrupt the
man with his filthy body. Cas deserves better. Andy, on the other hand, seems
to be more at Dean’s level.

Dean fucks Andy in the showers later that day. Usually people don’t shower much
during the day so they manage to get at it without an audience because
thankfully the orderlies don’t enter the showering area but waits outside so
they won’t get unnecessarily wet.
It turns out both Dean and Andy are prone to bottom but Dean is too tightly
strung to argue so he just presses Andy up against the wall and fucks him
harshly with only the aid of water and spit. Andy keeps murmuring his brother’s
name but Dean doesn’t mind.
He’s got someone else plaguing his thoughts as well, even if he’s hoping he
would be on the other end if Cas ever decided to touch him like this.
It’s short but just what Dean needed and Andy seems to think the same. They
agree that they won’t talk about it but that it probably will happen again.
They don’t kiss but that’s okay too. Dean licks his lips as he goes to bed that
night and it’s definitely not Andy he thinks about.




When Castiel comes in for the Friday night shift on his last week before his
next week off he finds that Dean has been sedated with morphine.
"For the pains." Alfie explains when Castiel asks the reason. Alfie is sitting
beside Dean’s bed and watching over the young man as Dean tosses and turns,
muttering incessantly. "Dr. Masters says it’s phantom pains because LSD
withdrawal doesn’t cause physical ailments."
Alfie doesn’t sound like he believes that to be completely true and Castiel is
inclined to believe him. Any withdrawal is bound to cause the person stress and
stress can easily manifest as physical pain in the form of sore muscles and the
like.
He doesn’t like that Dr. Masters just decided to chuck Dean full of morphine
and then confine him to his room with Alfie as a guard. Dean should have had
counselling and yes, Dr. Robert goes home for the day at five in the afternoons
but there are on-call psychologists that could have handled this better than
what Dr. Masters decided to do.
"Did you come to relieve me?" Alfie asks with a hopeful tone. "My shift’s about
to end but I can’t just leave him like this."
Castiel steps into the room and glances at Dean’s sweaty face. His fine
features are scrunched up and Castiel feels concerned but not concerned enough
to call the on-call doctor. He knows he shouldn’t take this job without talking
to Bart first, without checking to see if they aren’t wanted anywhere else.
But Dean has become quite dear to Castiel and he did promise Dean’s little
brother that he would take care of Dean. Plus he knows Alfie cares enough that
he might stay beyond his shift until Dean at least has fallen asleep and Alfie
shouldn’t have to do that because Dr. Masters made a faulty decision.
He puts a hand on Alfie’s shoulder and smiles down at the younger man. "You go
home; I’ll take it from here."
"Great." Alfie beams and stands up. He leans a bit closer to Dean, clearly
checking to see he’s reasonably okay. "You’re going to be fine, Dean. Castiel
is here now."
"Cas?"
"That’s right." Alfie turns to Castiel and smiles kindly. "He’s been asking for
angel cake."
Castiel doesn’t know why but that makes him blush. He hopes Dean hasn’t been so
out of it that he’s told anyone about how Castiel sometimes comforts him by
letting Dean straddle his lap and sniff his hair. He thinks it’s a very strange
behavior but he kind of likes it so he hasn’t put a stop to it. He has prayed a
bit about it but God remains as quiet in his answers as usual.
"You have a good evening, Alfie."
Alfie salutes him and then skips out of the room. Castiel sighs to himself and
goes to close the door as much as he is comfortable with. Dean has quieted down
and when Castiel sits down on the chair he notices Dean looking at him.
"Good evening, Dean." He smiles and that makes Dean grin back at him. "How are
you?"
"I’m fine." Dean drawls happily, pulling on the 'i' something fierce. "Got ma
angel cake now."
Castiel is satisfied that Dean at least hasn’t been restrained because he
thinks that means Dean has been calm enough. Perhaps a bit chatty and restless
but as long as he isn’t prone to running away or harm himself or others there
is really no point in restraining him.
"Are you tired?"
Dean smacks his lips and folds his hands over his chest. "That kid thinks
you’re cool."
"Who, Alfie?" Castiel chuckles when Dean mhm’s. Dean’s eyes gets real wide but
Castiel doesn’t know why. "He’s just friendly. Besides, I don’t think he’s much
younger than you."
"I’m 26." Dean states happily and then smacks his lips again.
Castiel gets distracted by looking at Dean’s lips. How much morphine did they
give him? It can be dangerous to give people suffering from addictions
something as addictive as strong pain medications. He hopes this won’t set Dean
back and he vows to talk to Dr. Robert as soon as he can.
"Then Alfie is younger than you, he’s 24." Castiel reaches to right Dean’s
blanket when it slips off his bed partially. Dean ruffles the blanket so he has
to do it again and then smiles sheepishly when Castiel glares at him.
"D’you think 26 is too young?"
Too young for what, Castiel wants to ask but know there’s hardly any point.
There’s barely any point to any kind of conversation right now. Dean is drowsy
and high from the morphine. Still, there is no reason not to indulge him.
"I think it’s a good age."
Dean bites his lower lip and looks away. "How ol’re you?"
His speech is getting more slurred and that’s a good sign, Castiel thinks. It
means he’s falling asleep and that would be the best for him right now.
"I’m 34."
"That’s good." Dean breathes. "That’s not too old."
There it is again. Too old for what? Too young for what? Castiel will put this
in his memory bank for later, for when Dean is lucid again. He’s slipping into
sleep now, though, and Castiel rights the blanket one more time before sitting
back.
"Do you want me to read to you? Something to help you sleep?"
Dean hums and turns his head to Castiel but his eyes are closed. "You have a
nice voice. Feels nice."
Now Castiel is glad Dean isn’t looking at him because he’s blushing again. How
can his voice feel good? That doesn’t even make sense.
He takes his phone out of his pocket and opens the Internet app, quickly
scrolling through a few webpages until he finds something that catches his
interest but that he thinks is likely to put Dean to sleep. Dean is quiet now
but when Castiel glances up he finds Dean staring right at him.
"How about this? Quest for a Superbee, this sounds interesting."
"You like bees?" Dean’s whole face lights up in a way Castiel has never seen.
"That’s so cute."
"I—you…" Castiel clears his throat. He’s never been called cute before, except
that one time when Dr. Masters told him he was cute for caring about a patient
that was staying at the rehab center at the time. Somehow it feels different
when Dean says it but Castiel thinks that’s mainly because Dr. Masters’ tone
had been more derisive while Dean’s is full of a warmth Castiel is somewhat
unaccustomed to. He likes it, though. "Just listen."
Dean hums and closes his eyes as Castiel starts reading. The article is
actually not as interesting as he had hoped but he enjoys it nonetheless,
perhaps more because Dean keeps humming at appropriate places.
Castiel pauses after a while to get himself some water from the cooler out in
the corridor and when he comes back Dean has turned to the side. His breathing
is even but not quite in the sleep state yet. The chair creaks when he sits
down again and Dean’s fingers twitch.
"You have a nice voice." He mumbles and Castiel cocks his head to the side.
Dean must be half asleep now to be repeating himself. "Like angel cake. He’s
got a real nice voice." Dean’s eyes are closed and Castiel starts wondering if
Dean is in fact talking in his sleep. "He’s cute. Cas is cute."
Castiel clears his throat; doesn’t Dean know he’s right here?
"Is that so?" he mumbles and watches with fascination how Dean’s whole body
shudders. Is he cold? No, Castiel doesn’t think so.
"Don’t tell him." Dean hushes and rolls to his other side, facing away from
Castiel. "Sch."
"It’s a secret." Castiel promises with burning ears. He should get out of here.
He hadn’t thought Dean had fallen asleep just yet but now it stands clear to
him that he is in fact talking in his sleep and he shouldn’t listen in on it,
it’s intrusive.
"Wanna bite ‘im."
Castiel pauses mid-step. "Wh-what?"
He’s not scared. Dean didn’t mean biting as attacking, he meant it sexually,
Castiel is sure of this. Suddenly he remembers how Dean’s penis had twitched
that first time he sat in Castiel’s lap. Remembers Dean’s hot breath on his
neck.
"He’s got ‘em cute ear lobes." Dean mumbles against his pillow. "Could bite
those."
Castiel flees when Dean starts making chomping noises. Dear lord in Heaven,
what is this trial?


***** A taste of release *****
Chapter Notes
     Please read this keeping in mind that I know nothing about drug
     addiction or how rehab works :)


"Moving on, patient D. Winchester."
Castiel sits up straighter when he hears Dean’s last name. So far the monthly
meeting he’s attending has been mostly standard and Castiel is glad that the
orderlies’ schedule only allows them to attend every other meeting. It’s mostly
formalities where the heads of the staff pretend to care about what the staff
has to say and short discussions about troubling or good patients.
The doctors usually offer insight in how to deal with some patients; if the
orderlies have done something wrong or right and what can be done better.
Castiel’s favorite part is when they discuss the patients that have made such
progress that they can be released and while that is the current topic he is
surprised to hear Dean come up.
Dean has made extraordinary progress, Castiel won’t deny that, but he didn’t
think he would be okay to be released yet.
Dr. Robert, Dean’s main psychologist, frowns at Dr. Adler.
"I have made my opinion in this matter clear, Zachariah." He states in a
definite tone.
Dr. Adler purses his lips. "Dr. Masters tells me he is free of his drug
addiction."
Castiel glances at Dr. Masters and he is annoyed to find her more interested in
her nails than the conversation.
"Dean has more issues than drugs." Dr. Robert says, clearly not happy about
what he’s hearing and Castiel silently agrees. "If those issues are ignored he
might as well fall back on old habits."
"Mr. Winchester is in here to treat his drug addiction." Dr. Adler declares in
an obnoxious tone. "If he has deep rooted problems that make him turn back to
those drugs then he can come back here. Need I remind you that we are state
funded? Assets are not limitless."
Dr. Robert looks like he either wants to hit Dr. Adler or at least start
yelling. He gets to do neither, though, because Castiel surprises everyone —
himself included — by speaking up.
"What about Mr. Winchester’s problems with morphine?"
The room goes quiet and Bart is staring at Castiel as if he’s retarded. Usually
the orderlies, or even the nurses, won’t question the doctors. They are simply
invited to these meetings to provide an insight on the everyday life of the
patients, not to have opinions of their own. Castiel knows this but he simply
cannot stay silent if they are truly thinking of releasing Dean as he is now.
Dean may have proven to be very good at kicking his LSD habit but his psyche is
not well and Castiel actually fears for the man’s life. He hasn’t asked Dean
again about why he cut himself but he doesn’t really believe that he wouldn’t
remember doing it. Or at least that there isn’t a reason. It might be that Dean
doesn’t remember the act but it’s very clear to Castiel that this isn’t the
first time the thought to end his life has occurred to Dean.
"What do you mean?" Dr. Adler asks in an icy tone.
Castiel already knew Dr. Adler didn’t like him very much and this isn’t bound
to make it better. But Castiel believes in doing the right thing and chucking
Dean out into the world to fend for himself right now is not the right thing to
do.
Castiel glances at Dr. Masters and finds her glaring daggers at him but that
doesn’t deter him.
"I mean that Mr. Winchester has been subjected to an unnecessarily high amount
of morphine in the last weeks. Last time I checked on him he was barely lucid.
Is it wise to exchange one addiction for another?"
Dr. Adler braids his fingers together and leans on the conference table they
are all gathered around.
"Mr. Novak." He starts, too kindly. "Do you have a medical degree of some
kind?"
Castiel frowns. "No, and you know that, it hardly has anything to do with my
question."
"It has everything to do with it." Dr. Adler bites off. Castiel raises his chin
and squints at the older man. "I am sure Dr. Masters has her reasons to treat
Mr. Winchester’s illness the way she does and I will not have you question our
authority in the matter."
"But if he’s ill then there’s all the more reason to keep him here." Castiel
tries and even he can feel how pathetically desperate he sounds.
He has always hated how Dr. Adler likes to put himself above other people.
Castiel has his pride but he’s not prideful, not in a way that means he doesn’t
know when to cower, so that Dr. Adler more than once has stomped out Castiel’s
opinions is one thing but he simply cannot let it happen when a patient fares
ill from it. Just thinking about how muddy Dean’s usually sparkly green eyes
had been last he saw him scares Castiel.
"I’m afraid I must agree." Dr. Robert adds and Castiel makes a note to thank
him later.
Dr. Adler stares grumpily at the two of them before turning to Dr. Masters.
"Meg, tell me about Mr. Winchester."
Dr. Masters shrugs. "He is more or less free from the LSD, it’s just about
passed his system. He’s prone to fits of anger and he complains a lot about
phantom pains. He gets a normal amount of morphine and will of course not get
any more if he’s about to be released."
That doesn’t sound like the Dean Castiel knows. Fits of anger? Dean is more
depressed than angry, from what Castiel has seen. And while he is prone to fast
mood swings Castiel hasn’t seen one yet that can be described as dangerously
angry, which would be the only kind to make note of. And, in all honestly,
Castiel doesn’t think he’s ever heard Dean complain about pains, not like what
Dr. Masters describes.
He stares incredulously at her and she smirks at him. His only relief is that
Dr. Robert looks just as shocked as Castiel feels but that relief is short-
lived when he realizes that this was probably exactly what Dr. Adler wanted to
hear.
"Well, there you have it." Dr. Adler states, loudly enough for Dr. Robert to
shut his mouth. "Mr. Winchester might have psychological problems but that is
for a therapist to take care of, we are simply here to treat his drug addiction
and, as Meg explained, he is now free of that."
"But we can’t throw him out." Castiel protests loudly. "Do we even know why he
chose to cut his own wrists?"
Dr. Robert nods. "Mr. Novak is correct, throwing Mr. Winchester out now will
only lead to more self-harm. He hasn’t even begun to work through all the
issues that lead to drugs to begin with."
"Enough!" Dr. Adler barks and Castiel actually jumps, not used to people other
than patients yelling at him. "Is this a rehab center concerned with drugs and
other addictive substances? Yes. Is Mr. Winchester free from the drug addiction
he had when he came here? Yes." He lifts the stamp he has next to him and
forcefully stamps Dean’s patient folder with big, angry red letters reading
RELEASE. "This discussion is over."
Dr. Masters is smug, Bart seems indifferent, Dr. Robert looks livid, and Dr.
Adler stares angrily at Castiel, daring him to oppose him.
Castiel feels like he’s just been swallowed by a black hole.




Dean doesn’t really remember what the dream had been about but fuck if he
cares. He knows that it had been a great dream and that it had involved Cas and
that’s about as much as he needs. Lately Cas is everywhere, slowly edging out
dad from Dean’s unconscious mind and he loves it.
Having Cas close feels like it’s really helping Dean with his drug problem and
he finds himself craving those acidic escapes less and less. Plus it helps that
he keeps getting fed morphine because that kicks ass. It makes everything feel
so smooth and Dean likes how cute Cas looks through the haze.
Dean knows he’s probably getting stupidly attached to the man, though, and he
really tries to distance himself but every time he has decided that today is
the day he won’t talk to Cas no more the man edges himself into Dean’s view and
Dean feels powerless to stop him.
He knows Cas deserves so much better than Dean, deserves someone untainted and
pure. But Dean figures it’s okay as long as they’re just friends. He won’t
corrupt Cas with filthy things like sex even though he really, really wants to.
Cas is not your friend, you dumb bitch. Mind-dad’s voice is so nasty sometimes.
He’s only nice to you because he has to, it’s his fucking job. Maybe mind-dad
is right? No fucking way would someone like Cas want to hang out with Dean
outside these walls.
Dean does his best to ignore mind-dad and tries to recapture the warm feelings
of his dream. But it feels faraway so he starts thinking about sitting in Cas’
lap instead. He doesn’t know why the man keeps letting Dean snuggle like that
but he absolutely refuses to ask, afraid that the answer might mean he won’t be
allowed anymore.
And fuck, Dean really likes to sit there.
Cas is so strong, and warm. Solid and steady. Smells good too.
Dean squirms on his bed and glances at the door to his room. It’s still closed
so he thinks it’s still pretty early and that’s good, might mean he’s got some
privacy. Dean isn’t body shy but he likes to be alone when he jacks off. He
hasn’t really been doing it at lot in here because he’s been feeling pretty
shitty what with the withdrawal symptoms and all but the few times he has
spanked the monkey he’s always done it on the toilet. And, let’s the honest,
that fucking sucks.
He’s snuck away with Andy two more times and yeah, that’s a good relief, but
Dean wants a dick in his ass. He likes topping alright but he’s more of a
bottom. It was nice last time, though, because Andy sucked him off and it was
easy to close his eyes and pretend it was Cas on his knees instead.
Dean sighs out a moan and worms his hand down his chest and stomach to squeeze
his burgeoning erection. The scratchy boxers he sleeps in are so thin that it’s
almost like he’s got his hand on his dick already and he bucks up harshly.
One of the orderlies working the night shift might come by any moment to check
on him through the little window on the door and Dean readily engrosses himself
in the fantasy that it’s Cas who comes to look at him.
Fuck yeah, having Cas’ intense eyes on him makes everything much better. Dean
bites his lower lip and shucks off his boxers but keeps his blanket on to
preserve some kind of dignity. Anyone looking at him now would know, though.
And if Cas were to show his handsome face in that tiny window Dean is prepared
to throw everything aside and just splay himself open for the man.
He jacks his dick quick and harsh with one hand while the other prods at his
hole. He’s barely spit-slick and he doesn’t really intend to penetrate himself
in any way but it’s nice to feel the press. Bet Cas would be so careful,
though. Dean has never really been with someone that treasured him during sex
but he thinks Cas might be such a person and somehow that amplifies his
arousal.
His dick strains in his hand and he has to suppress a deeper moan now.
Cas would fucking take his time to map out Dean’s body, Dean is so fucking sure
of this. Wouldn’t wanna hurt him. Dean wouldn’t mind a little love-bite here
and there, though. Fuck, he would nip the man on his neck so much that it’d
become all ruddy and Dean could stare at it for hours, knowing it’s him that
did that.
He whines when he feels his balls pull tight at the thought of owning Cas like
that. Or, shit, of Cas owning him.
He gasps sharply when he comes hard and it feels so good. So good to indulge in
the fantasies and to just relax.
Yeah, Dean feels swell until he really doesn’t anymore. Until he remembers
where he is and that even though no one saw him right now someone will
definitely see the soiled blanket because Dean doesn’t do his own laundry here.
Because he’s at a rehab center. Because he’s an ugly fuck up who couldn’t even
keep straight but had to drag his little brother into his mess. And Cas fucking
works here.
"At least the orgasm was good." He mumbles, trying to joke it away because
joking is easier than crying. Too bad it’s never really worked.

                                     *****

Cas finds Dean out in the garden two days later because Cas somehow always
finds Dean. He’s sitting out on his favorite park bench and isn’t really sure
if he wants to see Cas now or not. He’s just been told by Dr. Robert that the
rehab center is intending to release him in two weeks and he doesn’t know how
to feel about that.
He’s actually liked the structure that this place brought and even though it’s
been fucking hard as shit to kick his drug problem he thinks everything’s gone
kind of okay. And Cas is here. Dean honestly doesn’t know what’ll happen to him
when he gets out. He hasn’t told Sammy yet.
Cas sits without asking and Dean likes that they’ve become this comfortable
with each other.
"Have you heard?" he tries to keep his tone light but it’s really not. Cas
sighs.
"I have."
"Why don’t you sound happy, angel?" Dean turns to Cas and grins, hides behind
his false cheeriness as if Cas won’t be able to see through it. "Gonna miss
me?"
Cas swallows and looks away. "Will you go stay with your brother?"
That deflates Dean like nothing else. "I can’t. He lives in dormitories or some
shit like that."
Cas looks at him with soft eyes. "Maybe you can rent something together? If you
split the rent—"
"Sammy’s not working." Dean interrupts loudly but he doesn’t feel bad about it
because by the looks of it Cas was expecting him to. As if he knows Dean so
goddamn well. "I won’t allow it. He’s got enough with school. And I…" he looks
away but still feels Cas’ gaze, heavy and somehow still pleasant. "I’m too
stupid to work."
"Please don’t say things like that, Dean."
"Why not?" Dean sneers but it’s mostly at himself. Cas surprises him by putting
a hand on Dean’s on the bench between them.
"Because the more you say it the more you start believing it and eventually you
will have created a whole new truth for yourself and it’s a truth I refuse to
partake in. You are not stupid."
But he is, though. Stupid to think they could have had a normal life after mom
died. Stupid to think that dad would stop fucking him when he had grown up.
Stupid to think that he could solve his problems on his own.
Stupid to think that Cas actually cares.
Dean doesn’t withdraw his hand.
"Still got no education or whatnot." He mutters and sees in the corner of his
eye how Cas nods slowly.
"If you won’t move in with Sam, then where will you go?"
"What the fuck does it matter?" his words are more defeated than heated and he
hates that.
Cas squeezes his hand. "Why don’t you come live with me for a while?"
Dean’s heart instantly lodges in his throat. It’s throbbing painfully and
choking him and yet he relishes the feeling. He looks up, eyes wide, and finds
Cas looking at him with what could only be described as hope. Mind-dad says
it’s not.
"Cas, no." He whispers and watches how Cas’ whole body kind of sags.
"Why not? Do you think I look at you as some kind of charity case? Because
that’s far from the truth, Dean." He turns more bodily towards Dean, most
likely unaware how that makes him look assertive in all the best of ways. "I
look at you and I see this remarkable young man who has been through so much
and still manages to shine. I want to help you keep shining, Dean."
Dean can’t even look at him or he might throw himself at Cas and kiss him until
they’re both breathless and hard. Fuck.
"It’s not like that, Cas. I can’t live with you, I’d get you all dirty. Do you
even know what I’ve done? What I’ve had done to me? I can’t bring that shit
into your life."
Dean feels Cas’ displeasure like a tangible thing between them.
"You’re right," Cas starts in a lower voice and shit, Dean didn’t even know it
could get more gravelly. "I don’t know what you’ve done or what’s happened to
you." He corrects like Dean has never done anything to deserve what dad did.
And maybe he didn’t, except getting born with eyes that look like mom’s. "But
it doesn’t change the fact that your soul is pure, Dean."
"It’s really not." Dean whispers hoarsely. Just thinking about what he wants to
do to and with Cas right now is proof enough of that and maybe he should tell
Cas, have him see for himself.
"Please, Dean, let me help you. If not for you then for me."
There it is again, Cas asking Dean to do something that would benefit Dean but
still asking it for himself. As if Dean feeling better is something that would
make Cas feel good. As if Dean matters to Cas in more ways than simply as a
patient. Dean’s heart throbs again.
"Maybe," he mumbles, still unable to look at Cas for fear of kissing him.
"Maybe I could…I dunno…for a little while?"
If he moves in with Cas he’s gonna jump his bone, if not at day one then
eventually. And he wants it, so badly, but he still doesn’t think he should.
Because Cas feels too soft and clean and Dean is anything but. Fucking hell,
living together with Cas might prove to be the hardest thing Dean’s ever done.
Or the best, depending.
"Really?" the relief in Cas’ tone is fucking enough to make Dean’s dick twitch.
Cas just really wants to help Dean and the more Dean thinks about it the more
it’s starting to feel like a huge turn-on.
Dean swallows and dares smile at Cas. "Yeah. I mean, until I get a job or
something. I could just, I dunno…" he shrugs and only then becomes aware that
Cas is still holding his hand tightly. Cas has big and warm hands. Nice hands.
"I could hang out for a bit?"
Cas smiles a fucking blinding smile and yeah, this is starting to feel pretty
good.
"That sounds great."
"Yeah." Dean beams back at him. "Yeah, it kinda does."




"I might have done something stupid."
Gabriel eyes the boxes where Castiel has put most of the things that had been
in his spare room. He had used it as a combination home office and library but
now he’s moved the office part into his bedroom and the library part out into
the living room.
It’s cramped and he knows it. He got this two-bedroom apartment almost ten
years ago specifically because he wanted the space. Gabriel had told him that
it was unnecessary for one person to have all that space but Castiel has always
loved it. But now, with Dean moving in soon, he can’t afford the luxury of
having a separate room for only his desk and books. He doesn’t regret it,
though, not as much as he probably should.
"Are you…?" Gabriel purses his lips as he thinks about what Castiel could
possibly be hinting at. "Are you moving out?"
"If I was moving out then why would I have enlisted you and Inias to help me
move the bookcases into the living room?"
Gabriel shrugs. "Then tell me."
Castiel is just glad Inias has gone home. He loves his little brother but this
is definitely a Gabriel type of problem.
"I have gotten a roommate."
Gabriel sucks in air between his teeth in that annoying way he knows Castiel
doesn’t like.
"Yeah, I could see why that would be stupid for you."
"What do you mean?"
"Aw come on, little brother." Gabriel smirks and leans against the wall beside
the door. Castiel starts filling another box with things he thinks he can put
in the storage unit down in the basement. "You’re a loner."
That makes Castiel frown. "I am not. And besides, that’s not the stupid part."
He draws a calming breath when Gabriel just waves his hand in a go on motion.
"I asked a patient to move in with me."
The silence is deafening and Castiel flees into his box, taking unnecessary
care to pack things that aren’t even fragile.
"Is she hot?"
Castiel whips up his head and frowns at his brother. "What’s that supposed to
mean?"
Gabriel shrugs again, more casually this time. "What other reason could it be?
I mean, you must meet a lot of chicks who just wants to be loved and I can
imagine sometimes it’d become like some kind of Florence Nightingale thing." He
leers and it makes Castiel mad. "So, is she hot?"
"It’s not like that." Castiel rarely raises his voice but when he does it
always has the same effect on his siblings. Even Michael has cowered in the
face of Castiel’s righteous anger. "I only wish to help Dean. He is a very
deserving person and the center isn’t treating him right. He needs a place to
stay and someone who is willing to believe in him; give him a second chance.
The Bible clearly teaches us to aid one another."
Gabriel rolls his eyes at the mention of the Holy Book but that is nothing new
to Castiel so he just huffs at his brother and starts packing again. To think
that Gabriel would insinuate something as lewd as that. Castiel is actually
appalled.
"I think it’s nice." Gabriel states at length and Castiel relaxes marginally.
"Just keep an eye on him, you know you can be too trusty sometimes."
Castiel knows and so he nods. "Thank you."
"And don’t worry, I won’t tell mommy dearest."
Castiel is sorely tempted to tell Gabriel that Mother hardly speaks to him
anyhow but he thinks that’s petulant of him and they’re grown-ups now, despite
Gabriel’s behavior.
"So," Gabriel says, his voice suddenly teasing again. The hair on Castiel’s
neck stands on edge. "Dean? He handsome?"
Castiel wishes he has something he can throw at his brother.

                                     *****

"I just don’t see why you’re so angry."
Castiel grits his teeth against Bart’s casual tone. "Because it isn’t right."
Bart shrugs where he stands beside Castiel in the doorway leading into Dean’s
room. Dean is on his bed, drugged high on morphine again and actually drooling
a bit. A nurse has just been in there to clean him up after he soiled the bed,
unable to get up in his drugged state.
"If he’s hurting then what’s the problem?"
"The amount is the problem." Castiel snarls and his colleague actually looks
startled. Castiel never speaks like this. "If he is in pain then giving him
pain medication can be preferable but even I, without a medical degree, can see
that pumping someone so full of medication that he is unable to facilitate the
bathroom is wrong."
"It was just a little piss." Bart mutters, clearly unhappy about being talked
to like this. Castiel can’t afford to care about that.
"They should at least have put a catheter in." He concludes brusquely and
enters the room when the nurse leaves. "I will spend the majority of my shift
here, you can page me if you need me."
He doesn’t wait for Bart to confirm what he had just said but instead just
shuts the door in his colleagues face. He knows this is stupid of him but he’s
honestly still angry at Bart for not speaking up at that meeting last week. He
knows, objectively, that Bart cares a different amount than him and that he
cannot fault the man for it. He also knows that he perhaps cares a bit too much
about Dean in particular and that that too has nothing to do with Bart. But he
had at least thought that his colleague would have voiced some kind of argument
in Castiel’s and Dr. Robert’s favor.
Dr. Robert has had some long discussions with Castiel about Dean’s continued
health and even though Castiel of course hasn’t told anyone besides Gabriel
that he’ll be taking in Dean he has promised to help the doctor any way he can
in aiding Dean. Dr. Robert, for one, wants to keep in contact with Dean even
after his release. They are both aware that Dean most likely cannot afford a
therapist but Dr. Robert, like Castiel, thinks helping people is more important
than money and that feels good. Castiel just hopes that he’ll be able to
convince Dean to take Dr. Robert’s outstretched hand.
For now, Castiel settles with helping Dean in any way he can while they’re
still here at the rehab center. And if that means he will have to sit here all
night and clean urine off the man then so be it.

Dean is quiet for the first half of the night, only snoring lightly when he
lies on his back and drooling on the pillow when he’s turned on his stomach.
Castiel has his meal in Dean’s room and accepts the food as the peace offering
it is from Bart when the man comes in around 2 a.m. with a sandwich.
They exchange curt words with each other but not because of any lingering
animosity but rather because they don’t want to wake Dean up. But he sleeps
soundly through it, though his nose twitches when Castiel unwraps his chicken
curry sandwich.
Dean snorts himself awake at about half past four. Castiel is half-way through
a book he found out in the common area when he went out to use the bathroom but
he quickly puts it aside when Dean groggily tries to sit up.
"Slowly." Cas mumbles kindly and goes to steady the man. "You still have
medicine in your system."
"Gotta piss." Dean mutters and rubs his eyes in an entirely too adorable way
for a grown-up man.
"Let me help you."
That makes Dean grin but his eyes are still almost closed and Castiel doesn’t
think he’s even aware of what’s happening.
They stumble side by side to the little adjoining toilet and Castiel makes Dean
sit down on it even though he protests feebly about being big enough to stand.
Castiel waits outside, thoroughly prepared to enter if it takes too long
because that might mean Dean has fallen asleep on the toilet. In the back of
his mind, Castiel admonishes himself for this because this is more the work of
a nurse than him but he cannot bring himself to call for someone else. He tells
himself it’s because he doesn’t trust the rest of the staff around Dean anymore
but knows that’s not entirely true.
Dean anyhow wobbles out a few minutes later, hands still a bit damp as if he
did a poor job of drying them. Castiel takes a gentle hold on Dean’s elbow and
guides him back to the bed. Dean leans on him all the way and hums contently
when Castiel stuffs the blanket around him.
"You got some nice hands." Dean mumbles, his eyes already closed and the
blanket drawn up to his chin.
Castiel smiles as he sits down on the chair beside the bed again. "Thank you,
Dean."
"Like Cas."
Oh here we go again. Castiel doesn’t think he can bear another drug/sleep
induced hallucination speech from Dean. His ears heat just remembering the last
time and he had trouble looking Dean in the eye the next day. He doesn’t want
that, not now that he’s actually asked Dean to move in with him.
"Dean, I’m Cas." He tries, almost desperately, but Dean doesn’t seem to hear
him.
"Cas ‘s got ‘em warm hands." Dean wriggles under his blanket and Castiel feels
helpless not to look. "Long fingers. Bet ‘em fingers could reach."
Oh dear Lord, is Dean touching himself? His hands are definitely in the
vicinity of his crotch. Castiel’s mouth is dry.
"Dean…"
Dean actually moans at the sound of Castiel’s voice and just hearing him, a
man, like that feels like a slap to the face. What probably scares Castiel the
most in this moment is how good that slap feels. Like liquid heat running down
his spine.
"Could have ‘em inside." Dean moans and Castiel sees him spread his legs. "So
fuckin’ deep."
Just like last time, Castiel flees when it gets to be too much for him. He
manages to exit the room and all but run to the nearest staff toilet without
bumping into someone and he’s grateful for it. He’s red in the face and he’s
got beads of sweat on his forehead. His whole body feels flushed and to his
mortification he can feel his penis twitching to life in his scrubs.
In all his life he hasn’t felt as aroused as he feels right now.
He’s 34, he’s tried dating but always failed miserably when he realized that
even after marriage he wouldn’t want to lay with those women, he’s still a
virgin, and he’s barely registered sexual arousal outside of the occasional
dream.
And yet now, at the merest sound from Dean, Castiel finds himself helplessly
enthralled. The…the things his mind conjures up when he thinks about Dean’s
words are simply incomprehensible.
Castiel knows about being homosexual, doesn’t judge people for it, but has
never in his life considered it as something that might apply to him. But as he
stands there in front of the mirror in the staff bathroom, squeezing his
increasingly hard penis, he can only admit to himself that he is sexually
attracted to Dean and he doesn’t know what to do about it.
He wants to ask Dean not to come live with him and simultaneously wants it even
more; wants to hear more from Dean’s beautiful lips.
And besides, Dean is to be released the day after tomorrow; it’s too late to
stop it now. Castiel can’t turn away Dean now, even if he is starting to think
that he should. Because what if Dean is not safe around him anymore? What if
Castiel’s sanity is not safe around Dean?
He sits down on the toilet and spends some time praying for answers, just like
Mother taught him when he was little. But just like when he was little he
receives no easy answers and it’s with a shaky breath that he exits the
bathroom almost half an hour later.




Dean twirls the phone cord around his finger and smirks back at the other
patients who’re glaring at him. He’s left alone in the booth, though, and he’s
thankful for that. Everyone wants to calls their family but Dean’s got
important shit to say so he doesn’t feel the least bad about hogging the phone
today.
"I’m still not sure." Sam says on the other end and Dean can hear the
uncertainty in his voice. "I don’t think it’s normal."
"‘Course it’s not normal." Dean snorts. "That’s why we’re gonna be keeping a
lid on it, get it?"
"I’m not stupid, Dean." Sam mutters and it makes Dean grin because he knows
Sammy’s not stupid, knows it quite well. "It’s just weird. Why would he let you
come stay with him? What’s his angle?"
Dean knows what he hopes Cas’ angle is but also knows that’s not it because
mind-dad tells him repeatedly how wrong he is. A man can dream, though.
"Look, Cas is just one of those helpful people. I think he’s religious."
That, somehow, makes Sammy fret worse. "He’s not in some cult, is he?"
Of the two of them, Dean would have thought he would be the one to worry about
something like that and not Sammy. He can hear his little brother getting
smacked over the head and grins when he thinks of Jess’ unimpressed face.
"Yeah, I think he is." Dean teases and hears Jess grumble in the background. "I
think maybe he’s gonna sacrifice me to his dark lord. I mean that must be it,
right?"
"It’s not funny."
"It’s kinda funny."
Sammy sighs but Dean just keeps grinning. He’s always liked talking with and
teasing Sammy like this, makes him feel like they’re a normal family.
"I just wished there was some other alternative. I want to trust him, I really
do, and I know you do. And…" Sam sighs again. "And that should be enough but
it’s not, I’m sorry Dean."
Dean hums because he understands, he really does. "It’s okay Sammy." He soothes
smoothly. "I’ll go live with him for a while and if it doesn’t work out I’ll
get the hell outta Dodge, okay? Worse come to worse I’ll get me a tent and
pitch it in your quad."
Dean had meant that as a joke, of course. If things doesn’t work out with Cas
he’ll just leave and either try one of his old fuck buddies or maybe start
turning tricks again, no big deal. This time he’ll at least stay away from the
drugs so he’ll get lots of money left over. Dean’s not concerned, not like
Sammy and he wishes he could have made his little brother laugh but all he gets
for his effort is another concerned sigh.
"I wish you could live here with me. If maybe I get a job we could rent an
apartment."
"No." Dean turns his back on the glaring patients, tired of their stares by
now. "I’ll not become some kind of liability to you, okay? If anyone’s gettin’
a job it’ll be me. And hey, maybe everything’ll work out great with Cas, huh?
He’s a great guy."
Sam huffs but it sounds more relieved than irritated so Dean takes that as a
win.
"He did seem genuine."
"Purest you’ll ever meet." Dean grins and really believes that himself. When he
thinks of Cas he thinks of blue and white and it feels refreshing from all the
black that’s been in his head for so long.


***** Change in pace *****
Chapter Notes
     Favorite phrase of the day: bubble butt
     Thank you, fanficiton, for teaching me what's really important!


"You’re a whore, Dean." Dad groans as he plunges into Dean’s tight ass.
Dean is on his back, legs held in place around dad’s waist by dad’s big hands.
Dean’s breathing hiccups but it’s been a long time since he cried during sex.
Dad is fucking him hard, like he usually does, and he’s drilling right into
Dean’s prostate.
"See, you like it so much your little prick is all hard." Dad reaches for him
but Dean bucks, almost throwing him off.
"Don’t touch me." He whispers hoarsely. He hates it when dad touches his dick
during sex because lately it’s been making him come and he feels disgusted by
it.
"Don’t be stingy, Dean." Dad growls and pulls out so he can flip Dean to his
stomach and ram him from behind instead.
He clamps one hand down on Dean’s neck and holds him still. Dean can barely
breathe with his face smashed against the bed like this but he lies there and
takes it, wishes for it to be over soon because Sammy’s bound to be back from
soccer practice any time and he doesn’t want his little brother to see this.
Sammy’s not stupid, he knows dad hits Dean but so far he has been spared this
aspect of their relationship and Dean wants it to stay that way. One time, when
Dean begged dad to stop, dad said he would have to tell Sammy what a little
bitch Dean was and Dean doesn’t want that, ever. Sammy still looks up to Dean
and Dean would hate to lose that just because he lets dad fuck him in the ass.
It doesn’t mean he has to like it, though, and he really doesn’t.
Dad comes with a grunt not much later and Dean hates the tacky feel of dad’s
spunk running out of his hole but he doesn’t say anything.
"Take care of yourself, boy." Dad sneers and spits on Dean’s back before
getting off the bed and locking himself in the bathroom.
Dean doesn’t cry during sex anymore but he does cry a lot after. Especially at
times like these when dad’s accuracy had been too great and Dean can’t resist
tugging on his aching dick until he comes. He tells himself that it doesn’t
mean anything; that it’s just about the physical gratification and because of
bodily reactions. He still hates it when he comes, though, and it makes him cry
worse. His only consolation is that he at least manages to keep his mind
blissfully blank while he jerks off.
The moment Sammy enters the bedroom Dean knows this is a dream because Sammy
has never caught Dean in this kind of state before.

He wakes with a sharp gasp, sitting straight up almost like Dracula and panting
hard. It was just a dream.
Or no, not only a dream. A memory. He wants to talk to Dr. Robert but doesn’t
know what to say. He’s admitted to the doc to being sexually abused by his dad
but he still can’t bring himself to believe the doc when he says it wasn’t
Dean’s fault. Dean had to have done something to get that kind of treatment,
right?
Sammy didn’t get it and while he doesn’t resent him for being innocent he does
wish he could have stayed innocent as well. But better him than Sammy, though,
and why not? Dean’s not worth the spit dribbling down his back and—
No, that was from the memory-dream and not right now. Dean needs to get his
shit together.
He sits on the edge of the bed and leans down so his head gets between his
knees. He sits that way for a while, just breathing deeply, until he’s calmed
down. This is supposed to be a good day and he’d hate to fuck it up just
because of a bad dream. Dad is dead and Dean is strong.
Today Dean will get released and he’ll move in with Cas. Kind and handsome Cas,
so opposite everything Dean has ever known.
Yes, today is a good day.

                                     *****

Dean just gapes as he is shown around Cas’ apartment. The place is huge and so
goddamn cozy Dean at first thinks he fell down the stairs and hit his head on
the way up because clearly this can’t be true.
The first half of this day had been a dizzy whirlwind of talking to various
doctors, getting discharge papers, getting contact information to prevent, and
in case of, relapse. He had also spent a good hour waiting for Dr. Masters to
give him a receipt for morphine pills and then he had to wait almost thirty
minutes at the pharmacy to get his pills.
But that last part had been okay because Cas had been with him then. Of course
they couldn’t tell Cas’ coworkers about Dean living with him, even Dean
understood that, so they had agreed to meet up at the pharmacy.
Today is Cas’ day off and Dean is very grateful for it because being out in the
real world again after two months at the rehab center and also sober for the
first time in years is scary as fuck.
Cas had just smiled reassuringly at him and they had stopped at a Biggerson’s
to get some burgers to go.
The food is in the kitchen now, forgotten on the small kitchen island that
divides the kitchen area and the living room, as Cas shows Dean around.
Kitchen, kitchen island where they’ll eat if they won’t eat in front of the TV,
living room with a plush couch and a bigger TV than Dean thinks he’s seen
before and two bookcases stuffed full with books of all kinds. Only one
bathroom to share but with a shower big enough that Dean thinks two grown men
easily could fit.
No bathtub to hide in, though. Dean ignores mind-dad. He won’t need bathtubs
with Cas around anyway.
There’s two bedrooms, one for Cas and one for Dean and Dean has to catch his
chin from falling to the floor.
"You’re giving me a whole room?" he gawks and barely dares to peek in for fear
of setting it on fire or something.
"Of course." Cas frowns in that adorable way of his. He should watch it with
that, Dean thinks, because he’s already looking good enough to eat in his
regular clothes and whatnot. Dean has only seen him in scrubs and while that
teal color looks good on Cas he looks like fucking sex defined in his jeans and
button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. "What did you think I
meant when I asked you to move in with me?"
"I dunno, man." Dean mumbles, embarrassed. "I just… I’ve never really had a
room of my own, I thought I’d be sleeping on the couch or something."
Cas’ frown deepens and Dean wants to kiss it away. "Dean, I want you to be able
to relax and focus on recovery, please see this apartment as your sanctuary."
Fuck, Cas sometimes speaks so weirdly and what’s even weirder is that it’s kind
of turning Dean on. He only nods dumbly and follows when Cas beckons him.
"This is my bedroom." Cas says and opens a door to reveal a modest room with a
bed and desk with a laptop in sleep mode. As if the sight of Cas’ bed won’t
mess Dean the fuck up. Cas sleeps on that. Maybe naked. Dean hopes he’s naked.
"I only ask that you respect my privacy and don’t enter without me."
Fucking shit, it’s as if Cas doesn’t even know the balls he keeps lobbing at
Dean. Most probably he doesn’t, though, so Dean does the graceful thing and
avoids them like the plague.
"Of course." He smiles. "I got my own room, don’t I?"
Cas smiles too and they start back to Dean’s bedroom. Dean notes with curiosity
that neither of the bedrooms have locks on them. Huh. Must mean either that Cas
really does trust Dean or that he is entirely too trusting. Dean kind of likes
both options.
"Why don’t you unpack while I put out the food?" Cas smiles kindly and Dean
hugs his duffle bag to his chest and doesn’t let go until Cas leaves him alone
in the room. It’s not made weird, though, because Cas just bows out after he’s
finished talking and Dean couldn’t be more grateful to the man.
He’s basically got nothing to unpack and he thinks Cas knows this but he’ll
leave to let Dean deal with it on his own and that feels great. There’s only a
few articles of clothing in there, his meds, a few things he got at the
pharmacy like a toothbrush and shaving kit, and a fresh tube of lube he managed
to sneak in there when he saw Cas not looking. He should have bought condoms
too but after his stint at the rehab center he knows he’s clean because they
thoroughly checked him and the patients in there who had some kind of
transferable disease had special bracelets so the orderlies would know.
Besides, Cas doesn’t strike him as the kind of guy who goes around having
unprotected sex. Might have it with Dean, though.
Still, it’s stupid to take chances and Dean should get condoms because even if
nothing happens between him and Cas he’ll probably want to have sex sometime
soon. He’ll wait until the next check from the social office arrives, though,
because he’s low on cash as always but now he at least qualifies for disability
checks for a while.
Cas is sitting on the couch when Dean finally manages to leave the room. He
popped a pill before going out to help against the anxiety because for some
reason he feels fucking scared of the normalcy of this and at the same time
he’s so ecstatic he wants to jump on the couch like a little kid.
Cas smiles at him and gestures to the food containers he’s unloaded from the
bags. "I put out plates, I hope that’s okay?"
Dean grins and plops down on the couch too, probably closer than necessary but
what the hell.
"It’s awesome."
"Good." Cas nods, smile still intact. "I don’t eat junk food a lot so I always
get teased about being too proper."
Dean snorts amusedly around his first bite of his bacon cheese burger, extra
bacon. He can’t help but groan because even though he had nothing to complain
about when it came to the rehab food it was clearly not as good as this. Man,
Dean has really missed this. Cas shifts on the couch beside him and clears his
throat loudly before pointing to the TV.
"I cued up the latest Dr. Sexy episode if that’s okay with you?" he picks up
the control but doesn’t start it. Dean stares at the TiVo screen and thanks his
lucky star.
"Totally fuckin’ fine with me, Cas." He grins. "I love Dr. Sexy." Dean’s not
lying; he’s jerked off enough times while watching to declare himself somewhat
obsessed. He doesn’t have to share that much, though. "Must be even funnier for
you to watch."
"How so?"
Dean bumps his shoulder against Cas’. "What with you working in a kind of
hospital scene, I mean. Got your eye on any cute doctors?"
It’s low, fishing for information like that, but Dean’s rewarded when Cas
blushes bright read and clears his throat again.
"N-not really." He stammers and somehow Dean knows this is not the stammer of
someone trying to hide the truth but the stammer of someone unused to this kind
of topic.
It’s so cute Dean just wants to roll over and present his tummy. He wants to
sit in Cas’ lap and feed him French Fries but knows Cas only allows him to sit
there when he’s upset and Dean’s pretty fucking far from upset right now.
"Mm, I dunno." Dean teases and enjoys how Cas’ blush spreads. Enjoys how Cas is
older than him but seems younger right now. "I did see that Masters doctor
eyeing you sometimes."
That’s not entirely for teasing because Dean did see her staring at Cas’ ass
and he didn’t like it.
Cas just gives Dean a quirk of his lips and turns to the TV. "Eat your food."
Dean does so with gusto and afterwards he snuggles in on one end of the couch.
He snoozes after dinner while Cas watches some nature program about flamingos
and he’s ridiculously happy when he wakes up to find that Cas has put a blanket
on him.
All in all it’s an eventful day, full of new experiences, most of which baffle
Dean and make him happy.
But nothing makes him as happy as when Cas explains that Dean can put his
toothbrush in the same cup as his on the bathroom sink. Dean wishes he has a
phone to take a picture of it and he stays in the bathroom for far too long,
just looking at the two toothbrushes where they are leaned against one another
in the glass.




In only two weeks of living together with Dean, Castiel has discovered a lot of
things both about himself and about Dean. Like how Dean is messy but not
unclean, like how Dean likes to help around the apartment, cleaning and
cooking, but how he also tends to start a lot of projects that never get
finished. Castiel has come home on more than one occasion to find that Dean had
started doing laundry but then gotten distracted by the cooking channel and
started dinner instead. It should be annoying but the thing is that Castiel
doesn’t mind.
Dean is earnest in whatever he tries and he is quick to learn. He learnt
already on the first day that Castiel doesn’t like coming home only to trip
over the vacuum cleaner so now he stashes it in a corner instead.
Dean has also taken to cooking like a charm and Castiel secretly thinks he
might even surpass Gabriel’s cooking but refuses to say this out loud. Cooking
and baking seems to be the only few chores that actually gets finished right
away, instead of hours or days later.
Dean always seems very happy to see Castiel and Castiel would be lying if he
said he didn’t preen every time Dean greets him at the door. He is aware,
though, that Dean is not entirely happy. At first he had thought it was
something he did wrong but as the days went by Castiel came to the conclusion
that Dean is actually very depressed in general.
He had seen this before, of course, but it was hard to tell at the rehab center
because of course most of the patients are depressed in there. And Castiel kind
of assumed that that was why he found Dean’s eyes to be duller on some days,
because he misses his addictive substances and the high they gave him.
But now, after several days, Castiel is certain that Dean is not feeling well
and that it might take more than a helping hand and a kind smile to get him
back on track. Getting him off the LSD is a step in the right direction but
Castiel still doesn’t like how Dean keeps eating pain medication like candy
because he firmly believes that Dean’s pain is not physical, at least not
anymore.
Dean has spoken some to Dr. Robert over the phone but has also said that he
doesn’t like that. He wants to meet face to face or not do it at all and
Castiel is torn about what to do. He wants to talk to Dr. Robert and hear his
opinion but also knows that he absolutely cannot reveal to anyone that Dean, a
former patient, has taken up residence in his home. That would definitely be
cause for dismissal and Castiel doesn’t want to lose his job.
No, it’s bad enough that Gabriel and Sam know, Castiel will just have to find
other ways to help Dean.
So, while Castiel for some reason finds it almost ridiculously comfortable to
have Dean in his life and home it has its ups and downs. Ups because he just…
just likes having Dean around. Likes looking at him, in both his sorrow and
happiness. And downs because he knows Dean needs so much more help and he fears
he is unable to provide it.
And, also… well Castiel is not proud of this but Dean is distracting. And not
distracting in the way that Castiel has lived on his own for a decade and it’s
weird to have someone in his home. Well, a little but not nearly as much as the
other kind of distracting.
The kind of distracting that gets Castiel thinking about what Dean had said
those two times when he had been heavily drugged with morphine. Distracting in
ways that have Castiel walking out of the room to hide in the bathroom until
his blush disappears and his body calms down.
Dean smells good.
Dean has said this of him as well and Castiel now remembers it vividly. Dean
hasn’t been straddling Castiel’s lap once since he moved in here; has never
sought out any kind of comfort even though Castiel has heard him whimpering in
his sleep on a number of occasions.
Once Castiel even went into Dean’s room, unable to stay away when Dean’s
anguished cries could be heard even through the door. He kept mumbling "no,
please, no" and Castiel’s heart just about broke. Dean had calmed down when
Castiel had put a hand on his forehead and shushed him gently but he knows he
couldn’t really help and it’s still eating him up.
He wonders if he should bring up Dean’s mental health with the man, offer to
take him to a therapist together? Maybe he should talk to Sam about it. The
younger brother doesn’t seem to know everything that’s happened to Dean but he
surely knows Dean much better than Castiel does.
The thought makes him grumpy for some reason that he shoves to the back of his
mind. Yes, living with Dean has certainly very quickly become both the best and
the worst thing in the world.

Dean is in the kitchen when Castiel comes home from work today and he’s humming
along with the music streaming out of the radio. Castiel observes from the
doorway for a while, delighting in the fact that this seems to be one of Dean’s
better moments.
He looks happy, bopping along to the music, and Castiel thinks it’s a great
look on him. And this is one of the bad things about having Dean here. Because
just his mere presence is throwing Castiel’s mind off track and into… into
seedier thoughts. And he shouldn’t think about Dean like that because Dean is
both a man and younger than him. Plus, and Castiel tells himself this daily,
Dean is not in his right mind. Something keeps his spirit low and Castiel would
be a horrible person to take advantage of the gratitude Dean feels toward him.
And besides, Castiel doesn’t want to take advantage of anything because he
doesn’t want to do things like that with a man. Unlike Mother, he doesn’t think
it’s an abomination because he believes the Lord lets everyone love in their
own way. What he does think, though, is that it’s just not for him.
It’s getting harder and harder to tell himself that, though, especially with
how much Dean likes to touch.
"Something smells good." He states then, mostly to try and dispel his own
treacherous thoughts.
Dean whips around with the widest grin yet. "It’s lasagna." He declares with a
flourish and Castiel chuckles as he approaches. "I hope you’ll like it."
What Castiel likes is how shy Dean is sometimes, like now. He doesn’t say that,
of course, because that would be a stupid thing to say.
"I love lasagna." He says and wonders why he’s exaggerating like that. He likes
lasagna a normal amount. Just one look on Dean’s bright face is answer enough,
he supposes.
"Hey, how’s your schedule tomorrow?" Dean asks then and turns back to the salad
he was just about to toss. "I wanna go grocery shopping."
Dean has insisted very much over these past two weeks that he should be paying
for at least something but that is the one thing Castiel won’t give him. Dean
receives extremely small disability checks from the social office but they’ll
be running out soon now that he’s recovered from his addiction, in the eyes of
the state. He’s been very good and has been down at the unemployment office
several times and has even signed up for some night classes because he’s got no
education and it seems the unemployment office is unable to help him right now.
But he’s still struggling and Castiel absolutely refuses to let Dean spend what
little money he has on things like bills that Castiel have been paying on his
own all his adult life.
Dean still persists on pitching in regarding food since they eat more now but
Castiel has almost convinced him to start saving for a ticket to Palo Alto
instead. Castiel knows, and understands, that Dean misses his brother very much
and he has started thinking about taking some time off work to actually drive
Dean to California but hasn’t voiced this yet. Dean once told him that he
doesn’t want the school to see him because he thinks that would drag down Sam’s
reputation.
Castiel had been appalled to hear this but had also understood that it’s a real
concern for Dean; that he actually believes that to be a possibility. Castiel
respects Dean’s beliefs but it hasn’t stopped him from nudging Dean in the
direction that will eventually take him to his brother. He wishes Dean would
ask Sam himself because he is sure even Dean would be able to hear the
happiness in his little brother’s tone but he hasn’t said so. Their friendship
is still too fragile and new, still too influenced by the way they met.
Castiel wants Dean to think of him as a friend and not a caretaker, or even a
former caretaker, but he knows they have a long road ahead of them before that
will happen. He just hopes that Dean will allow for it to happen; will allow
time for it to have a chance to happen.
"I’m free tomorrow and the day after." Castiel answers Dean’s question and gets
a new grin back.
"Your schedule is so weird." Dean laughs and puts the salad in the fridge for
now. "I like it. Well, I like it now." He shrugs and opens a cabinet to pluck
out plates for them.
His t-shirt rides up and bit and Castiel doesn’t stare. But he does glance and
he shouldn’t. But Dean’s skin looks so soft and Castiel has seen, quite on
accident, that Dean has a scar on one hip and some kind of tattoo on the other.
He wants to know what the whole tattoo looks like.
"What do you mean ‘now’?" Castiel asks to distract himself. Dean smiles at him
as if he caught him staring and maybe he did. Castiel has never been good at
social cues.
"I mean," Dean starts and moves closer to Castiel where he is leaned against
the sink. "When I was at the center I hated that you didn’t work every day.
There were whole weeks when I wouldn’t see you."
Castiel’s throat almost closes up when Dean moves to stand directly in front of
him, reaching to his left and pulling out a drawer to get some cutlery. Dean is
staring into Castiel eyes the whole time and he’s standing so close their legs
knock and Dean’s wrist rubs against Castiel’s hip.
"Oh." Castiel breathes and doesn’t know what to do with himself or the
reactions he has to Dean’s proximity.
One time Dean had leaned over Castiel on the couch, draping his whole body over
Castiel’s stiff one, just to get the phone on the other end. He could have
asked for it, just like he could have walked to Castiel’s other side right now,
but Dean prefers to do things this way and Castiel wonders if that is because
Dean likes the intimacy or if he is playing some kind of game. He also wonders
if he would actually like to play with him.
"Yeah." Dean says, slowly, and they stay in a kind of limbo until the timer on
the oven goes off to indicate that the lasagna is done. It felt like eons but
probably were more like a minute or two. Dean grins at him and flitters off to
the oven. "But now I get to see you every day so that’s awesome."
It might be that Dean is getting codependent on Castiel. It might even be that
Dean is interested in him. It might just be that Dean likes having Castiel as a
friend. Not knowing any of this is dangerous and this is why they shouldn’t
associate with patients outside of the rehab center. Because their friendship
started off like it did it could be severely skewered or even damaged from the
beginning and Castiel knows this.
He also knows that he gets short of breath whenever Dean does something like
this and that should feel dangerous too but it really doesn’t.




Dean loves everything about living with Cas. Sure, he wishes he could
contribute more so they could be in an actual relationship where Cas wouldn’t
have to pay for everything but Dean is taking some night classes so he’s
confident that he’ll get a job soon. He was at least able to buy his own phone,
even if it is a crappy flip-phone and not a cool smartphone like Cas and Sammy
have.
Anyway, Dean feels much better in the head than he has felt for a long time.
The dips between his happy moments are much shorter and easier to dispel. Plus,
mind-dad is much easier to ignore. Mostly all it takes is watching Cas talk
about something that makes him happy. Sometimes it’s doing something for the
man, like cooking or cleaning. Dean is not very good at either since he’s never
really had to do them per se, but he’s getting there.
He gets these terrible stomach cramps sometimes, though, and has to interrupt
whatever he’s doing to go throw up and that kind of derails him for a bit but
he’s working on that too. He thinks that maybe he should stop taking the pain
medication and he knows Castiel dislikes that he takes them so he has told
himself that when the receipt won’t give him any more bottles then that’s gonna
be it. Cold turkey style.
It’s when he gets those cramps and mind-dad gets especially loud that Dean
misses the high his drugs gave him but he thinks he’s coping rather well with
that. Plus, Cas’ presence is like a balm to Dean’s soul so that helps. He
thinks that maybe he puts too much focus on Cas and he doesn’t want to
suffocate the man but he can’t help it.
He also can’t help how he tends to gravitate towards the man whenever they’re
doing something together. Dean just wants to fucking kiss him. And suck his
dick. And maybe have Cas plow him. Dean is up for switching but if he gets to
choose he would want to bottom for Cas every goddamn day.
He hasn’t really done very much about it besides testing the waters, though.
Because even though he keeps dropping hints Cas keeps doing nothing with them.
It might be that he’s actually straight but Dean doesn’t think so. A straight
man wouldn’t get flustered in the way Cas gets when Dean moves too close to
him. And that time on the couch when Dean all but fucking flung himself at the
man with the pretense of getting the house phone he was sure he saw Cas’ dick
twitching in his pants when he stood to leave for the bathroom. Cas spends a
lot of time in the bathroom and Dean doesn’t think that all of that time is
spent doing bathroom-y things.
It might also be, and this thought occurred to Dean during one of his lows,
that Cas might find Dean physically attractive but that he doesn’t want a
single thing to do with Dean because let’s face it, Dean is kind of trash.
Mind-dad tells Dean this on a semi-daily basis and Dean hates hearing it but
can’t un-hear it by now. He tries to work his way past it, though, mostly by
trying to prove to Cas just how useful he can be.
To be completely honest Dean doesn’t even know what he wants with Cas. To fuck
him, yeah, but is that all? Dean feels hopelessly lost whenever Cas leaves for
work and he feels stupidly happy when he gets home but what does that make
Dean? He’s like a goddamn dog and no one wants to have sex with their fucking
dog.
Dean wants to be someone that Cas can depend on, someone who Cas longs to see,
and who can brighten the man’s day with a simple kiss on the cheek. Dean
wonders sometimes if he is in fact in love with Cas. He’s never been in love so
he doesn’t know what it feels like but he thinks that maybe this could be it.
Or, he reasons, or he could just be horny.
Dean is in the process of trying to figure out how to change the bag in the
vacuum cleaner when he hears keys in the front door. He glances at the digital
watch on the TV-box and frowns when, just like he suspected, it’s too early for
Cas to come home yet. Unless something’s happened? Unease settles heavy in
Dean’s stomach and he walks slowly to the hallway.
It’s not Cas who greets him, though, and Dean’s unease is replaced by wariness
as he stares at the golden-haired short man who’s just grinning at him.
"Well hello there, Ken doll." He eventually greets and Dean frowns at him.
"Who’re you?"
"Me?" the man saunters up to Dean, clearly checking him out and it’s giving
Dean flashbacks that he would rather not experience in the company of a
stranger. "I’m Cassie’s cool big brother."
Dean relaxes marginally but not much because he still doesn’t know the man and
he keeps looking at Dean as if he’s a piece of meat.
"Gabriel, I guess?"
"What tipped you off?" the man grins and it’s disarming enough that Dean dares
to reach out and flick the man’s collar.
"No priestly stuff."
The man laughs and it’s an easy laugh. Dean relaxes some more.
"And you’re Dean, I assume?" Gabriel motions for the kitchen and Dean defers to
his suggestion. "Cassie told me he would be having a roommate named Dean, he
just didn’t tell you’d be so…" he glances over his shoulder and this time when
he checks Dean out it doesn’t feel half as lewd. Dean’s flashbacks have calmed
down too and he manages a cocky grin.
"So, what?" he smirks and goes to the coffee machine without asking because
he’s got a feeling this guy’s gonna be staying until Cas comes home.
"You know." Gabriel winks. "He could at least have told me about that bubble
butt of yours, I mean damn."
Dean laughs out loud and screws up counting the spoons for the coffee. Oh well.
"You always so straight-forward?"
Gabriel shrugs and sits on one of the bar stools by the island. "No point in
beating around the bush when it’s so obvious." Dean shakes his head at that but
still enjoys the compliment. Many men have told him he is good-looking but
somehow it feels safer when Gabriel says it. "So what’s it like living with my
baby bro?"
Dean finally manages to get the coffee machine on and turns to Gabriel with a
grin. "It’s great."
"Yeah?" Gabriel actually sounds happy about that, like maybe he had hoped for
them to get along.
Dean knows that Cas told one of his brothers that Dean would be moving in, just
like he had told Sam, but he doesn’t know if Gabriel knows that Dean was a
former patient. But even if he does it doesn’t seem to color how happy he gets
hearing that Dean likes how this is going. Dean hopes that that is because Cas
likes it too and has told his brother that.
"Yeah, Cas is the best roommate."
Gabriel scrunches up his nose. "I dunno about that, I shared a room with him
for a while when we were growing up."
Dean knows in this moment just how dangerously invested he is in Cas because he
feels ridiculously happy at the prospect of hearing something from Cas’ past.
"Really? Tell me."
Gabriel laughs at his eagerness. "Well, this one time…"

                                     *****

When Cas at last comes home Dean has heard just about every embarrassing detail
of Cas’ youth, including the first time he had a wet dream and yes Dean will
absolutely masturbate to that later, and he and Gabe has eaten a whole box of
ice cream split mostly even between them.
Cas enters the kitchen and looks confused for a moment until his eyes land on
Gabe. He sighs when he sees his big brother and Gabe in turn waves happily with
his spoon. Dean stands to greet Cas but doesn’t really know why. It’s hot
enough outside that Cas doesn’t have a coat on that Dean can offer to take and
he doesn’t carry anything with him that don't fit in his pockets so Dean really
has nothing to take from the man. He also has nothing to give him since he’s
forgotten about dinner and it’s just as he stops in front of Cas that he
realizes he stood up to kiss the man. What a stupid thing to do.
"Welcome home." He says loudly and grabs Cas’ elbow to lead him to the island
to sit on the bar stool Dean had been sitting on. "I was thinking maybe we
could order take-out today when your brother came to visit and all. Whadday
say, Cas?"
Cas side-eyes his brother. "I’m sure Gabriel isn’t planning on staying that
long."
"Aw come on, little brother." Gabe says heartily and slaps Cas on his shoulder.
"Don’t hog Dean, let’s have fun together."
Cas’ eyes narrow and Dean is glad that he’s standing at an angle that won’t
allow Cas to see his blushing face.
"I do not ‘hog’ Dean."
"Stop it with the air quotes, Cassie." Gabe demands even as he stands to rifle
through the drawer where Dean knows Cas keeps his take-out menus. "It stopped
being cute when you were five."
Dean still thinks it’s cute.
They decide on Chinese and Dean is thrilled to find that the place has a decent
curry sauce. Cas insists on paying for Dean’s food, Dean argues with him over
it, and Gabe smirks while he pays for all three of them.
All in all Dean thinks it’s a pretty awesome day and he can’t wait for Sammy
and Jess to meet Gabe. He hopes that the rest of Cas’ family is as cool but
from Gabe’s rendering of them he doubts it. He still kind of wants to meet
them, though, and knows that’s a dangerous feeling, like most feelings he has
revolving around Cas.
Gabe almost ends up spending the night, especially when Dean offers his bed.
Dean had meant that he could sleep on the couch but Gabe turns it into sexy
flirting that Dean actually enjoys, unlike other similar occasions in the past.
Cas puts an end to it by actually throwing Gabe out. They talk in mumbled
whispers out by the door before Cas slams it in Gabe’s face. He refuses to even
acknowledge Dean’s silent questions and goes to bed not much later.
Maybe because you smothered him today. Mind-dad suggests casually.
Dean still thinks it was an awesome day.


***** Continued trials *****


Castiel doesn’t grit his teeth but he does chew air as he drives slowly over to
Mother’s house for a Sunday family dinner. He knows what’s got him on edge but
he doesn’t like to think about it. And that of course means it’s the only thing
he can think about.
But getting jealous about Gabriel and Dean getting along like two peas in a pod
is just ridiculous. He should perhaps be a bit concerned because Dean is not
feeling well and Gabriel can be a bad influence but he knows that that is not
what has him bothered.
No, what bothers him is Gabriel’s hushed words of "he’s fucking delicious,
Cassie. Either you bang him or I do" that made him slam the door in his big
brother’s grinning face. What if Dean had heard? Gabriel’s behavior absolutely
appalls Castiel sometimes but what is worse was how Castiel’s body had reacted
to those words.
Castiel hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it, about what it would be like
to kiss Dean, and he had had to go to bed uncomfortably flustered. Even now his
body lights up just thinking about it and it’s wrong. Dean is in a position
where it would be so easy to take advantage of him and Castiel doesn’t want to
do that, ever.
He’s not really concerned about Gabriel, though, because Gabriel knows that
Dean is a former patient so Castiel doesn’t really think his promiscuous
brother will try anything. That doesn’t mean he would be able to resist if Dean
started really hitting on him, though. Dean is after all very beautiful and
there had been enough flirting yesterday to go around in leaps and bounds.
But it’s so very insane of him to be jealous. Because Dean isn’t his, he’s free
to flirt with anyone he wants, free to have all the sex he wants. Castiel just
finds himself wishing it wouldn’t be with his own brother and right under his
nose.
He sighs to himself and forces the thoughts from his mind as he tries to engage
in his family but the truth is that he didn’t want to come from the beginning
and the more he thinks about Dean the worse it gets. Because while Dean had
said he understood why he shouldn’t join Castiel for this dinner Castiel still
didn’t think it was right. Dean is really beginning to feel like a friend and
Castiel wishes he could bring him here.
And he could, per se, because no one knows about Dean’s past besides Gabriel
and even if he would be attending this dinner Castiel trusts him not to say
anything. The thing is rather that Castiel doesn’t want to subject Dean to his
family’s madness and he had explained as much. He just hopes Dean believed him
like he had said he did.

"So, Cassie." Mother starts half-way through dinner and Castiel had really been
fooling himself when he had hoped he would be spared this time. "How is your
love-life going?"
Castiel frowns because here we go again. "Where did that come from?"
"I might have mentioned that you redid your apartment." Inias says with a
sheepish smile and Castiel had known it had been a bad idea asking for his
little brother’s help.
"That has nothing to do with anything." He states clearly, making Inias shrink
back. "I’m just putting in a new carpet in the office."
Anna looks like she wants to ask about that and while Castiel wishes she
wouldn’t because he’s not a great liar and doesn’t like doing it to his
family’s face, he would welcome a change in topic. At some point he might have
to bring up the fact that he’s gotten a roommate but it’s still too soon and
too new for his family to get involved. Dean understands, he said so.
"Oh please." Mother smiles over her wine glass, effectively cutting Anna off.
Castiel can see her rolling her eyes and Inias blushes a little but no one
comes to his rescue, of course. "You’re well over thirty, it’s time you found
someone and started fathering some grandchildren for me."
Castiel does not grit his teeth. "Anna is due any time."
That makes Anna smile and rub her round belly. "I think it’s a boy." She
mumbles fondly. Castiel knows that her husband believes it to be a girl and
that there’s a ten dollar bet on it. He will love it whichever gender it turns
out to be.
"And what about Inias, he’s been married for longer than Anna."
That makes Inias blush even harder. "We’re trying."
Mother rolls her eyes. "Don’t try to divert the attention from yourself, it’s
unbecoming."
Castiel squints but doesn’t get to say anything when Michael interrupts.
"You should just join me at the church instead."
"I’m sorry, I didn’t know I had a deadline." Castiel bites out. "If I haven’t
found myself a wife before 35 I should join you, is that it?"
"Don’t get snarky with your brother." Mother snaps and puts down her glass a
little too forcefully. No wine spills but that’s because she’s already drunk it
all. "He’s doing the Lord’s work."
"I am too." Castiel argues defiantly and sees to his chagrin that Michael rolls
his eyes at him. "I am helping people in need."
"I wish you wouldn’t."
Castiel stares at his Mother. He knows she doesn’t like his line of work but he
is equally saddened by this information every time it gets brought up.
"Wish I wouldn’t help people?"
"Wish you wouldn’t do it there." Mother sighs as if he’s a stupid little boy
and maybe he is. "You could get their filth all over you."
Castiel thinks of Dean and his "filth". He also thinks of the young man’s
beauty and can’t help but hate his Mother a little.
"The staff gets regularly tested." He all but sniffs in indignation and Mother
snorts at him.
"I didn’t mean that kind of filth. Some of those people are insane, Cassie."
"Insanity isn’t contagious."
"Actually, in some cases it can be." Michael interjects and Castiel looks at
him as if he’s the one who’s insane. Michael just shrugs.
"Also," Mother continues while pouring herself another glass of wine. "Have you
ever considered that some of those people might not even deserve your kindness?
You’re being too good to them."
That makes Castiel mad for real. "Everyone deserves a second chance." He bites
and Mother raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow at him.
"No one’s arguing that." Michael tries to placate. "But even you have to admit
that some of the patients have already gotten second chances, if not three or
four."
Castiel’s mind slips to Dean again. Has someone already given him a lot of
chances or is this his first? Does that really matter? What would have happened
to him if Castiel hadn’t taken him in? Would he already be swimming in drugs or
would he be dead?
"I will keep giving second chances until there is nothing left of me to give."
Castiel says in a deadly calm voice and rises from his seat. "My religious
beliefs prevent me from acting differently."
Well in the kitchen he puts his plate into the dishwasher a little too
forcefully but doesn’t even flinch at the sound. Why did he even come here? He
had known some kind of conversation like this would come up and he could have
spared himself the grief. When Castiel was younger he always thought it was his
fault because he was too defensive but the older he got the more he just came
to realize that he and part of his family simply didn’t get along because they
were too different people. He wishes it wasn’t true but it is.
He sighs when Anna enters the kitchen with a sad smile. "Mother’s quite upset."
"I don’t care."
She comes up to him and strokes her fingers through the hair at his temple.
"Yes you do, it’s one of your best qualities."
Castiel closes his eyes and sighs again, calmer this time. "I’m sorry I ruined
dinner."
"Well," Anna says and she’s smiling when he opens his eyes. "And I’m sorry
Mother and Michael can’t respect the work you do. They claim they want what’s
best for you but we both know that’s not true."
He nods and she turns to the kitchen counter where a newly baked cherry pie
stands cooling. She picks out some Tupperware from one of the cabinets and
slices off a piece. He watches her do it and is about to protest when he
realizes the slice is for him but then he thinks about Dean and maybe the young
man will like it? He has been baking on occasion so he must like sweets.
"Thank you, Anna." He mumbles when she hands him the Tupperware crammed full of
pie. "Say hi to my brother-in-law, will you?"
She smiles and stands on her tip-toes to kiss him on the cheek. "Call me, let’s
get some coffee and you can show me what you wanna do with your office."
Castiel just smiles and nods, too uncomfortable to lie in Anna’s kind face.

Dean is watching Gordon’s Kitchen Nightmares when Castiel gets home and
Castiel’s chest feels warm when Dean turns on the couch to beam at him.
"Dinner okay?" he says as Castiel joins him on the couch.
Castiel shrugs and pushes the Tupperware over to Dean. "It was pretty much what
I expected, you didn’t miss anything." He doesn’t know why he added that last
part. Perhaps to lessen his guilt about not bringing Dean? It doesn’t really
work. "I brought you home some cherry pie."
Dean’s whole face lights up. "You brought me pie?" he almost squeals and
Castiel likes how childishly happy Dean can act sometimes. "You better watch
out or I’ll fall in love with you." He winks and thankfully enough looks at the
pie instead of Castiel’s blushing face.
Castiel clears his throat and doesn’t know why his stomach flutters at the
notion of Dean being in love with him. It’s a ridiculous thought anyway and he
knows Dean was just kidding, happy to have been brought a dessert.
He’s just about to comment on it when he sees a Band-Aid on Dean’s left arm,
half-way up to his elbow. Without thinking he gently grabs Dean’s arm and pulls
it closer to look at it.
"What happened?"
"Oh, that." Dean laughs nervously and doesn’t try to pull away when Castiel
swipes his thumb over the Band-Aid. "I cut myself on the bread knife. How
pathetic is that? It’s not even that sharp." He smiles when Castiel frowns at
him.
"You need to be more careful." He mumbles and can’t help how his eyes are drawn
to the slight scarring along Dean’s wrists.
It hadn’t been deep enough to really cause serious damage but in the right
light it can be spotted. Two slices on each wrist, the skin a little whiter and
newer. The question if this time had been an accident is on the tip of his
tongue but he needs to trust Dean, or at least make a show of trusting the man
until Dean feels comfortable enough to automatically tell him truths.
"I will." Dean smiles and when Castiel looks up they’re sitting very close.
Dean’s eyes are bright green and his lips part slightly when Castiel meets his
gaze head on. "I am."
"I believe you."
He needs to believe.




"You’re worthless." Dad’s voice is nothing but a hiss in Dean’s ear.
"Completely useless. What are you even here for?" dad’s fist connects with
Dean’s stomach and it makes him double over in pain. His eyes tear up and he
can’t breathe. Dad pulls on his hair until Dean has to arch his back to get
away from the pain, even if that makes his stomach hurt.
"You should’ve died." Dad grouses. Dean is crying for real now, staring into
the older man’s dull eyes and feeling just how worthless he is to the man. "You
should’ve died instead of Mary. I already got a son in Sam, much better than
you." His breath reeks of alcohol as he growls in Dean’s face. "You should’ve
died and Mary should’ve lived. It would’ve been much better."
He shoves Dean hard against the floor. Dean’s face smacks against the cheap
linoleum and he stays face down because he’s ashamed of how much his dad’s
words are making him cry.
"Useless."

Dean wakes up sweaty and he clutches his sleeping tee over his chest, trying to
get his breathing under control. He hopes he hasn’t been screaming but doesn’t
think so because Cas probably would have woken him up if he had. That has only
happened one time since he moved in here with Cas and that’s good, he doesn’t
want to disturb the man’s sleep.
He gets up on shaky legs and pops the last two of his pain meds, praying
silently that he’ll be able to keep to his promise and not try to get more. He
wouldn’t even know where to start searching for them. He has considered Dr.
Robert but hasn’t spoken to the man in weeks now and doesn’t think he would
give Dean any more morphine even if he could.
He could always go back to his old drug dealer but Dean doesn’t want to
disappoint Cas. Somehow that feels worse than the blackness that consumes him
on some days. Or, maybe, thoughts of disappointing Cas is contributing to the
blackness. Dean doesn’t know, thinks that maybe Dr. Robert would know but
doesn’t really feel like talking about it.
He spends the rest of the night baking blueberry muffins without blueberries as
silently as he can. He can’t go back to sleep for fear that dad will come back
and he wants to be good for Cas. He’s careful with every utensil he uses even
if none of them could get him particularly injured.
But Cas had been so sad to see the little cut Dean had gotten the other day and
Dean doesn’t want to keep putting that sadness on the man’s handsome face. Dean
hadn’t even remembered why he had put the bread knife to his arm. He had just
been staring at the blemish-free expanse of his arm and the knife had kind of
put itself there. It had just been barely a press down but it had been enough
to break the skin a little. Only a little, though, and the Band-Aid had
probably been unnecessary but Dean had kind of wanted Cas’ attention. That was
dangerous, though, and besides, there were a lot of other ways to get the man’s
attention. More positive ways.
Like baking blueberry muffins at 3 a.m. for example.
Dean goes to shower when he’s done and the muffins are cooling. He knows this
is one of Cas’ early days and that the man will be getting up soon to go to
work so he makes the shower short but it’s still long enough for Cas to wake
up.
Dean walks into the kitchen in nothing but his towel, slung low around his
skinny hips. Cas is standing by the kitchen island, drinking the coffee Dean
had prepared for him and looking at the muffins with raised eyebrows.
His hair is adorably tousled as it usually is in the mornings and the bags
under his eyes are heavier. He’s beautiful to Dean. He looks up the moment Dean
enters the kitchen and he does a double-take, his eyes raking down Dean’s naked
chest. Dean grins to himself.
"Mornin’ Cas." He says cheerily and goes to pour himself some coffee.
"Morning." Cas mumbles, coughing slightly to cover up how his voice hitched a
little. "Did you make these?"
Dean smiles and lifts one to hold out to Cas. "Yeah. I woke up and couldn’t get
back to sleep." He shrugs and wishes he hadn’t said that. "So I thought I’d
make you something for breakfast. It’s supposed to be blueberry muffins but you
didn’t have any blueberries so…so I guess they’re just regular…I dunno, dough?"
his shoulders slump and he lowers his hand before Cas can accept the offered
treat. Suddenly this feels so fucking stupid. Who the fuck bakes muffins in the
middle of the night? Dean is not normal and he knows it.
You didn’t even put blueberries in, Dean. You’re a fuck-up. Mind-dad’s words
sting much more nowadays when they’re not as frequent anymore.
"Dean?"
"You know what?" he says, tries to sound cheery like before but the words stick
in his throat. Cas is frowning with concern. "It was stupid. I should just
throw these out."
He grabs the plate he’d piled the muffins on but his hands tremble enough that
he’s afraid of lifting it. Why does it feel like he’s about to cry? Dean isn’t
used to all these emotions. With the acid there were really only two emotions
and those were pleasantly high, and need to get pleasantly high again. Now
there’s all this other shit and he hates it. Hates even more that Cas is there
to witness every single thing because he wants to be normal for Cas and he just
can’t. He can’t.
"Don’t." Cas’ warm hand on Dean’s arm stops him and before he can argue Cas has
picked up one of the muffins and is biting into it. He makes a mm’ing sound
that shoots straight to Dean’s groin because he’s sick in the head. "These are
wonderful, Dean." He says when he’s chewed carefully and swallowed properly
because Cas eats very meticulously.
"Really?" Dean asks and hates how wobbly his voice is. "Even without berries?"
Cas nods and takes another bite. "Even without." He confirms with a smile. "You
should make more, you’re very good at baking. Better than Gabriel even and he’s
always been my favorite so far."
Dean beams at the thought of him being Cas’ new favorite. One day, he tells
himself proudly.
"I’ll practice."
"You should. We could invite Gabriel over and you can make him something too."
Dean nods enthusiastically, eager to please the one person of Cas’ family he’s
been allowed to meet so far. He liked Gabe, he was easy-going and flirty in a
fun kind of way. He thinks Gabe might have liked him too and it feels important
to Dean that Cas’ family likes him, at least if he hopes to stick around.
"I will."
Cas looks down at the half-eaten muffin in his hand, suddenly thoughtful.
"Though I suppose you should practice more on me first, just in case."
He doesn’t meet Dean’s eyes when he says this but Dean gets the distinct
feeling that Cas wants him to bake more for him than for others and he loves
it. He’s already done some desserts for them and he tries his best to make
dinner and to find that Cas wants to be the focus of Dean’s culinary
experiments is just fucking wonderful. Dean feels light as air.
"Yeah, probably." He agrees and Cas smiles at him, making Dean’s stomach squirm
pleasantly.

                                     *****

Cas comes home that afternoon in a gloomy mood.
Dean is in the kitchen and barely hears the front door, he’s so immersed in the
pecan pie he’s making. He spent almost all of his disability check for this
week on ingredients and has spent the whole day baking. He knows he’s overdoing
it but he can’t help it. He wants Cas to praise him again and he thinks that if
he could actually get a fucking job soon then he would get even more praise.
And he would get more money to buy better ingredients so that would be nice.
"Pie’s almost done." He announces cheerily when Cas enters the kitchen but his
smile falls the instant he sees the man.
Cas’ shoulders droop and he looks haggard. Dean is by his side in a second,
touching his arms and almost hugging him without even thinking about it.
"You spent the day baking?" Cas asks and Dean blushes because it’s not normal.
"You should take cooking classes."
Dean has been thinking about it. The community center where he goes to night
class to earn himself grades in simple subjects like math and languages teaches
a cooking class in the evenings too. Maybe he could take that and work with
food? Would probably end up working at a McDonald’s but anything would be
better than not contributing at home like it is now. Dean wants to be a real
man for Cas, however stupid that sounds.
"What happened today?" he asks and guides Cas to sit at the kitchen island
while he makes the man a hasty sandwich.
Cas stares down at the island for a while but smiles kindly at Dean when he
hands him the sandwich.
"Andy took his life today."
The butter knife clatters loudly when Dean drops it in the sink. His chest
contorts uncomfortably and he has to lean against the sink as he tries to get
his breathing under control.
He had forgotten all about Andy.
Andy, who had been in love with his brother and whose brother had killed
himself because of that love. Andy, who had made little uhn, uhn, uhn noises as
Dean pounded him in the ass. Andy, who kind of had been Dean’s only friend in
the rehab center.
How the fuck could Dean have forgotten about him?
Because you’re just that selfish. Mind-dad sneers but no, that can’t be true.
His distress now is more about that than the man actually killing himself. Dean
is actually standing here, feeling the black void swallowing him up because
he’s feeling so little about Andy’s death. Andy’s death had kind of seemed
inevitable, to be honest, and Dean had let him go so fast it was scaring him
now.
Cas, of course, believes Dean’s strangled breathing is because he is sad to
lose his friend and Dean lets him think that because telling him about the void
feels like the worst idea ever.
"Dean?" Cas’ tone is calm and without thinking Dean turns to the man when Cas
approaches him.
He buries his face against Cas’ neck and wills himself to feel anything and the
thing is that he does. As soon as Cas is within reach Dean feels the void
recede and actual, normal sadness over Andy starts registering. Oh thank God,
Dean is actually sad to lose his friend. He’s not broken, just warped. Cas can
put him together again.
He tries to say something but nothing but little clucking sounds come out and
Cas lifts his arms to hug Dean close. The moment he does Dean melts against
Cas’ bigger frame, fisting the man’s shirt like a little kid and inhaling Cas’
musky scent.
"It’s okay." Cas soothes and Dean nods because he knows it is.
Andy is in a better place now. He was hurting too much without his brother, his
actions alone speak of that. Maybe, if Dean was religious like Cas, he could
think that Andy is reunited with his brother in death. That actually feels nice
to think about.
"Are you okay?" Dean asks in a small voice and he can feel the surprise in Cas’
whole body. And then he can feel the man relax again and he presses closer,
mouth and nose smashed up against Cas’ pulse.
"I am." Cas sighs against Dean’s hair and hugs him tighter. "I am now."

                                     *****

Cas’ hands are warm as they coax Dean’s body to roll against him. Dean’s mind
is pleasantly fogged over, lust and just plain warmth making him groggy in all
the best ways.
He smiles up at the man and Cas seems surprised but immediately smiles back.
His hand is warm when it wraps around Dean’s bobbing dick and fuck, Dean hadn’t
realized just how hard he was until Cas starts stroking him gently.
Cas feels perfect inside him, hard and unrelenting and hitting all the right
spots. Dean moans wantonly and Cas encourages him softly.
Dean’s toes curl when he comes and Cas sighs out praise as he empties inside
Dean’s greedy body.

Dean gets over Andy’s death much faster than he would have thought and
definitely faster than Cas. Then again, Cas had known the man longer and Dean
is really only sad that Andy had decided to give up. He refuses to see
similarities between himself and Andy because that hurts for real and instead
he focuses on how much better he feels every day.
Or, well, every other day. Well, sometimes.
Anyway, the memory-dreams about dad that Dean had used to keep at bay with the
acid and that had come back as the drugs slowly receded from his system were
thankfully getting fewer and further between. Even mind-dad doesn’t speak as
loudly or as often anymore. This is a source of happiness for Dean because he
already knows he’s a fucking whore who’s not really worth anything, he doesn’t
need dad to whisper it to him.
And, best of all, the main reason dad is pushed aside is that Cas is taking
over in Dean’s mind. This started happening already at the rehab center and
Dean is very glad to see the trend continue. Dean loves to wake up pleasantly
hazed from a good dream about Cas.
Sometimes he has already come in his sleep and he pretends that he had been
moaning loud enough for Cas to have heard. Sometimes he wakes up hard and
flushed and he takes care of himself sometimes in the shower but mostly
directly in his bed.
He is actually careful to keep his moaning to a minimum when he’s aware of it
but it’s difficult. Living with Cas but not having him is even more difficult
and Dean is going a little stir crazy. He’s been using every trick in the book
to try and get Cas’ attention — save plainly kissing him — and he thinks Cas is
definitely noticing. No one is that stupid.
But something is holding Cas back and Dean doesn’t know what it is. Most
probably it’s that Cas thinks he’s straight and maybe he is and what vibes Dean
is getting from the man might actually be discomfort. Dean won’t give up until
Cas actually tells him no, though, and Gabe’s incessant flirting is a good
indication that Cas might actually be feeling something for Dean.
Whenever Gabe’s over Cas gets sullen and after he only speaks to Dean in a
clipped tone. Dean has been hurt by it on occasion but he tells himself that
it’s actually only Gabe that’s making Cas annoyed. Gabe’s confirmed this but
Dean would have rather had Cas explain himself. Gabe seems amused by the whole
thing, though, so Dean tries not to think too much about it.
What he does do is walk around more in just a towel or his tight boxer-briefs
and he revels in Cas’ huge eyes and rosy cheeks.

Grazing Dean’s two month anniversary of moving in with Cas, he starts working
at the Checkers Foods in Lawrence, stocking the shelves in the dairy section
three days a week and on Mondays he gets in at 4 a.m. to help with baking the
fresh bread for that day. That last part was only added because he mentioned to
his supervisor that he’s saving up to afford cooking classes at the community
center. Dean loves it, though. He likes baking and the extra money is really
helpful plus he gets experience with dough.
Sammy is as proud as if Dean had gotten a doctor’s degree and Dean likes the
praise but really thinks his little brother’s words reflects just how low Dean
had been. He tries not to think very much about that, though, and is mostly
successful.
What he likes even more is Cas’ proud face. Dean tries to help out more now
that he’s gotten off his disability checks and gets a real paycheck, even if
it’s not much bigger. Cas absolutely refuses that, though, and makes Dean save
almost everything, both for that ticket to Sam and for his cooking classes.
Dean at least goes with Cas to Checkers to buy their food with his employee
discount and Cas says that’s help enough.
Dean likes being helpful and he likes how both Sammy and Cas are happy and
proud of him for trying his best to get back into society. It’s actually great
and just enough of an incentive to keep trying to be better. Dean doesn’t even
mind that his supervisor fondles him on occasion because the guy’s kind of nice
about it. Dean would probably fuck him to get rid of some of that sexual
tension in him if he didn’t think that it would screw with his job. Besides, as
of late Dean doesn’t really crave anyone’s touches besides Cas’. Still doesn’t
mean that Dean will push the guy aside when he slides a hand down Dean’s ass,
though.




Castiel feels like he’s going insane.
By now he’s definitely figured out that what Dean is doing is some kind of
trick to either drag him down to hell or to seduce him. And when that thought
has entered his mind Castiel can’t let it be. Because what if Dean is really
trying to seduce him?
Castiel is afraid to find that he wants it. He’s also afraid to find that he’s
jealous of almost everything these days. Well, the things and people that take
Dean’s attention from him, that is. He wants to stop this behavior because it’s
getting harder and harder to hide it from Dean and it’s not fair to the man.
Dean deservers to have friends and work and studies that can help him and that
make him happy. Not everything he does has to involve Castiel in some way.
But Castiel desperately wants it to.
Gabriel says it’s because Castiel wants to have sex with Dean and that maybe
he’s falling a little for the man but Castiel absolutely refuses to believe
that for several reasons. One main reason is of course that Dean is a man and
Castiel knows that’s unfair of him because he doesn’t condemn homosexuality
like Mother does but it’s just…it’s just that he isn’t like that. Gabriel says
he’s a bigot and Castiel hates to think his big brother might be right.
Another very big reason that Castiel can’t fall in love with Dean is that he’s
trying to help Dean and any advances he would make could make Dean feel like he
has to accept them. Their relationship wouldn’t be equal, and that’s what
Castiel would want.
Or, well, he wants an equal friendship. Yes.
The worst part is when Castiel finds himself growing aroused at the merest
thought of Dean. He can’t forget what Dean had said when he had been high on
morphine and Castiel has heard on occasion how Dean moans in his sleep and not
all of those moans sound like they stem from pain. In fact, some of them make
Castiel’s blood boil and he has to waste warm water in the shower while he
takes care of his erections.
Castiel isn’t big on self-loving but he’s had to do it much more as of late and
lately he’s started thinking that Dean does things to entice him on purpose.
Like maybe he’s trying to get a rise out of Castiel and he’s definitely
succeeding.
Castiel both loves and hates when Dean walks around half-naked. At first he
didn’t like it because of how it made him feel. He was uncomfortable with his
own thoughts and was scared of what Dean would think if he could have heard
them.
But lately Castiel is hating it simply because Dean is half-naked and not
wholly naked. Dean has a beautiful body and Castiel’s fingers itch to touch it.
On his left pectoral Dean has a tattoo of a five pointed star surrounded by
flames. Castiel thinks it’s eerily beautiful even though he had at first
thought it was some kind of devil worship kind of thing and it had scared him a
bit. Dean had only laughed, though, and had happily explained that it was an
anti-possession tattoo from a TV-show he used to watch when he was a kid.
"To protect me from ma demons." Dean had winked and it had made Castiel smile
weakly because he secretly thought it hadn’t worked very well.
On occasion when Dean struts around in only a towel that always seems on the
verge of sliding off, Castiel has seen what he thinks is the head of a snake on
the young man’s right hip. And when Dean wears his boxer-briefs — that leave
nothing to the imagination — he sees the tip of what he thinks is the tail of
the snake. He hasn’t quite worked up the nerve to ask about that, though,
because then he would have to admit that he’s been staring at Dean’s crotch
area. Even though he’s pretty certain Dean already knows that…
What’s more jarring to see are all the scars that mottle Dean’s soft skin.
He’s got a long, thin one that goes from just under his belly button and around
his left hip to about where he’s kidney is. It took Castiel about a week to
gather the courage to ask about it and Dean had admitted in a quiet voice that
it was from when he had been working as a prostitute.
The guy had been into blood-play and Dean had been too desperate for drugs to
be able to say no to the money. His friend, that doubled as his pimp and whom
Castiel would like to get his hands on, had found Dean and had stitched him up
before he could bleed to death. He hadn’t done a very good job, though, and
Dean had almost died from infection and now the scar is jagged and crooked.
Dean doesn’t seem very bothered by it but Castiel’s heart hurts every time he
sees it.
Dean has a lot of smaller cuts too, one on his elbow from when he hit it on a
radiator as a child and one just under his right nipple from when he
accidentally rolled over a broken piece of glass. Those smaller scars Dean
explains away with the airiness of a child trying to hide their parent’s abuse
and Castiel’s hands clench as he listens but he doesn’t voice his concerns
because Dean clearly doesn’t want him to, even though he’s pretty certain Dean
understands what Castiel suspects.
The absolutely worst of Dean’s scars, though, is what Castiel spotted on Dean’s
spine, just between his shoulder blades. Three perfectly round circles dot his
spine and Castiel sees red whenever he spots them because to him they mean that
someone deemed Dean no more than an ashtray and he just can’t…just can’t
believe someone could be so cruel to someone as beautiful as Dean.
Dean gets really uncomfortable whenever Castiel tries to ask about those three
and they are the only scars that he hasn’t explained. From what little he has
said Castiel has gathered that it was Dean’s dad that did that and Castiel is
torn between wanting to hug Dean and to wrestle with his guilt when he finds
dark satisfaction in Mr. Winchester senior’s death.
All of this boils down to a confusion juxtaposition for Castiel. Because on one
hand he finds the sight of Dean almost naked to be highly arousing and on the
other it makes him sad and angry. And he thinks that last part is the only
reason why he hasn’t "jumped Dean’s bones" yet, as Gabriel puts it.
Yes, Castiel wrestles daily with his demons but in truth he knows it’s a lost
cause. He only hopes Dean will forgive him for his indecent thoughts.


***** Giving in *****
Chapter Notes
     Phew, I almost didn’t think I would be able to post today but I made
     it! I’m very happy about this chapter and I hope y’all will like it :
     D
     A lot is going to happen in the next few chapters and I’m very
     excited, thanks for sticking around for the ride! <3


It’s ironically enough on the 69th day of Dean’s stay with Castiel that
Castiel’s resolution finally cracks and he wishes he didn’t know why that is
ironic but he does and there’s nothing he can do about that. It’s also a
Thursday, which Dean will later think is hilarious, considering Castiel’s name.
Castiel comes home early on the morning on that Thursday, exhausted from
another long night at the rehab center and eager to go to bed. Since Dean only
works at Checkers on the weekends and Mondays he’s still home, which is nothing
weird. What is weird is the noise coming from Dean’s room.
Castiel doesn’t really notice it until he’s brushed his teeth and is ready to
go to bed. He passes by Dean’s door because he has to and it’s not weird that
he hears the sounds considering how narrow the hallway is.
The sounds he hears are mostly of the pained whimper kind and Castiel hesitates
outside Dean’s door. He’s heard these sounds before but he has as of yet
learned to identify which kind of dream they belong to. Dean dreams a lot and
he makes a lot of sounds to accompany that, both good and bad.
Either way Castiel doesn’t let himself believe it has something to do with him
or that he would be able to elevate Dean’s pains so, as he does on most
occasions, he turns away. But the thing that makes this morning different from
others is that as he turns he hears Dean call out for him in a breathy voice.
Dean has never said Castiel’s name before and it makes Castiel turn back and
open the door before he’s even really conscious of moving.
The sight that greets him makes his mouth go dry and most of his blood travel
south.
Dean is on his bed, his blanket tossed to the side, completely naked, and with
his knees bent with his feet planted on the bed so that Castiel is greeted by
the sight of Dean’s plump ass. He has his head thrown back and his hips thrust
up so that his erect penis slides slowly in and out of the meaty tunnel of his
hand. Quite frankly he’s fucking his own hand. While whining Castiel’s
nickname.
Castiel makes an honestly embarrassing sound and even though the sound of the
door opening hadn’t been enough to draw Dean’s attention Castiel’s hiccupping
sound certainly is and he raises his head to stare directly at Castiel between
his spread knees.
"Cas." He breathes and looks more surprised than mortified, which Castiel
really thinks should be the appropriate reaction. He certainly feels mortified.
"I-I’m sorry, Dean, I thought…" he gulps when Dean rolls to sit up. What had he
been thinking again?
"Cas, you’re in here." Dean murmurs and even in the poor lighting the hallway
ceiling lamp provides Castiel can clearly see how dilated the man’s pupils are.
"Yes, I’m very sorry." He can’t move to leave, though, and he doesn’t know why.
He tries to will his body to move and is horrified when he actually steps
closer rather than away. He knows then that he’s not stumbling out of there
because he in reality wants to be in here with Dean right now and that should
scare him but it doesn’t.
Dean licks his lips and sits on his knees, one hand still on his penis and
stroking slowly. He’s so very hard and Castiel can see the red tip glistening
with what surely must be precome. Like Castiel, Dean is uncut and he watches,
enraptured, as the foreskin rolls up and down with each stroke.
"I thought you needed me for…" he clears his throat but can’t for the life of
him tear his eyes away from Dean’s dick. "I thought you were in pain."
"I do need you." Dean pants in a voice rough from arousal. "I am in pain."
"Not…not that kind…" he finally looks up when Dean shuffles closer to the edge
of the bed and Castiel only then realizes that he’s standing right by it.
"Cas." Dean whines and Castiel likes the sound very much. "I’ve wanted you for
so long, months. But you never seemed to want anything with me. Is it because
you’re straight? Or is it a religious thing?"
Months? Castiel gulps again because yes, of course. The first inkling he got
that Dean might want to have sex with him was when the man was still at the
rehab center, almost four months ago now. And Dean has been flaunting himself,
for a lack of a better word, almost since the first day he moved in with
Castiel. Castiel has known all along, he’s just been scared, and doubtful, and
stubborn. So stupidly stubborn.
"It’s…a bit of both."
Dean nods as if he knew this and Castiel feels angry with himself for making
Dean feel unwanted when he clearly isn’t.
"I thought as much but now you’re in here, Cas, and I…" his eyes glue to
Castiel’s heated crotch and Castiel suddenly feels very self-conscious of how
his penis must be tenting his jeans by now. "I was so close to coming and now
here you are, and you’re so hard. Cas, I want…" he reaches out a hand and
places it on Castiel’s hip. Castiel can’t breathe properly when Dean turns his
infinitely greens eyes up to meet Castiel’s. "Please let me suck you."
"Wh-what?" Castiel is not proud of how squeaky his voice sounds but Dean
doesn’t smirk at him like he had thought he would.
Dean is very used to sex, Castiel has come to this conclusion based both on
Dean’s rendering of his prostitution days and the way he reacts, or not reacts,
to sex on the TV. It’s made Castiel a bit conscious of how he’s still a virgin
and perhaps that’s also been part of why he hasn’t actually acted on the
attraction he’s felt for Dean. Because what if he’s terrible? He wants Dean to
want him and to long for his touches, not become a funny anecdote for Dean to
tell his future boyfriend.
Castiel has never regretted his choice to save himself for marriage until he
met Dean. Because he wants Dean but homosexual marriage just became legal in
the state of Kansas and he doesn’t think it’s widely accepted yet. Plus, where
would he marry Dean? The only church in Lawrence that practices the same
religion as Castiel is the one where Michael works and no, just no.
Now, as he’s staring down into Dean’s pleading eyes, Castiel can’t even really
remember all his great arguments for abstaining sex. Dean is still stroking his
own penis. Castiel’s jumps in his jeans and Dean thumbs his hip.
"Please, Cas." Dean asks again, his lips shiny with saliva. "I can see how hard
you are. All for me, right? Did you like what you saw just now?"
Castiel wants to be savvy and say something that renders Dean speechless and
turns him into pudding in Castiel’s hands. Instead he just barely remembers to
close his gaping mouth and nods dumbly in answer, probably with too much
enthusiasm.
Dean drags his thumb along Castiel’s whole length and suddenly everything feels
too much. It’s too tight and Castiel is prying open his jeans before he can
stop himself. Doesn’t want to stop himself.
"Oh fuck." Dean moans when Castiel has managed to free his erection. It was a
struggle but he simply pushed down his jeans a bit and now he’s completely
free. "Fuck you’re big."
That makes Castiel blush harder than anything right now. He knows he’s well-
endowed, having heard enough complains from Gabriel when they were younger
about how he got both the looks and the penis. He’s only really seen his
brothers naked and he knows he’s bigger than the three of them. But to hear
Dean say it too, Dean who has seen a lot of men in their erect state, well that
makes Castiel proud for some reason he’d rather not explore.
"D-Dean." He stammers when Dean reaches for his straining penis.
Dean pauses with his fingers wrapped around the base of Castiel’s erection and
Castiel feels ready to burst already. Dean’s hands are warm and smooth.
"Please tell me I can have this. That I can have you." Dean inquires with
shining eyes. He looks positively giddy at the aspect. "I want all of you, Cas.
Want you inside me, pounding me into the mattress."
"Inside?" Castiel gulps. His penis jumps and a blob of precome escapes. Dean
leans half-way in before he can stop himself and he licks his lips slowly,
nearly going cross-eyed as he looks at the head of Castiel’s penis.
"Yeah, in my ass."
"Wouldn’t that hurt?"
Dean’s eyes flick up to Castiel’s and he’s got this mischievous glint in them
that makes Castiel’s whole body feel alight with fire.
"Only in the best of ways." He winks and Castiel is just about to protest ever
hurting Dean when the younger man leans in and noses along his dick. Castiel’s
brain just about shuts down at both the sight and feel. "Lemme suck you, c’mon
Cas."
"Yes." Castiel breathes in a raspy tone and Dean makes the most delighted sound
Castiel has ever heard before he promptly wraps his plump lips around the head.
Castiel lets out a strangled cry and he nearly doubles over from pleasure. Dean
is relentless in his endeavor to either swallow Castiel whole or suck his
brains out through his penis. Using his hand to pleasure himself doesn’t even
compare to this and Castiel very nearly loses his footing when Dean starts
bobbing his head.
He can take in almost two thirds of Castiel’s whole penis and he swallows
around the head when he forces it deep down his throat. Castiel, for his part,
doesn’t know what to do besides try to keep breathing. He’s only partially
successful as his breaths come out in wheezy stutters intermingled with needy
groans.
It takes him moments, long moments, to noticed that he’s placed his hands on
Dean’s head and he’s just about to apologize for that when Dean hums around him
and he practically wails as the pleasure sears white-hot through him. He can
feel the tendrils of his orgasm wrapping around his mind and surely it’s gone
too fast.
He looks down to warn Dean but anything he wants to say gets stuck on his
tongue when he sees Dean furiously stroking his own erection.
"You like this." He whispers hoarsely and Dean opens his eyes too look up at
him, his sucking never stopping.
The moment their eyes meet Dean moans deeply and comes hard, his ejaculate
splashing against the sheets between his knees. Castiel’s eyes grow impossible
large and he comes so hard down Dean’s throat that it feels like he’s been
punched in the stomach. He wants to warn Dean, he really does, but all that
comes out is a whoosh as his breath leaves him and Dean closes his eyes,
moaning in delight as he swallows everything Castiel feeds him.
He slips easily from Dean’s lips after he’s done and a little bit of his
release dribbles out. Before he can stop himself he swipes his thumb along
Dean’s lip to feed it back in again and Dean happily sucks off his thumb and
then opens his mouth to show that he swallowed it all like a good boy.
"Thank you, Cas." He chirps and something inside Castiel breaks and he doesn’t
even know what.
Doesn’t know if it’s good or not. Doesn’t even know how he made it back to his
own bed but that’s where he wakes up hours later. Disoriented and somehow still
high on his orgasm.

                                     *****

Castiel doesn’t even know where to begin to apologize for his behavior so it’s
both a blessing and a curse that he barely has time to see Dean after he wakes
up on the same day. Dean is happy when Castiel eventually shuffles out into the
kitchen but he greets him only briefly, explaining about evening classes and
then he’s out the door. And he doesn’t come home again before Castiel has to
leave for his work again.
His shift doesn’t start until 10 p.m. so he’s concerned as he drives to work
that maybe Dean’s cheerfulness was fake and that he’s actually in a ditch
somewhere now. Or worse, with some other man. Somehow that thought makes
Castiel see red and he’s in a dreadful mood all night, even to the point of
Bart asking what’s up.
And the thing is that Castiel wants to talk about this because he’s so sure
he’s done something horrible but even so it feels wonderful to think about it.
Dean had been so beautiful and Castiel’s reservations about homosexuality are
dwindling fast as he drives back home again.
The thing is, though, that by the time he comes home it’s almost half past six
in the morning and Dean starts his work at seven in the mornings on Fridays and
the weekend so he is of course not home. And maybe that’s good, Castiel
reflects glumly as he stares at Dean’s empty bed. Maybe he should try and get
some shut-eye before he talks to Dean about this.
He feels terrible and at the same time like his chest is filled with helium. He
wants to talk to Dean but he also wants to kiss him. But he can’t, can he? They
can never have a normal relationship, and that’s not even taking into account
that they’re both men. Dean was his patient, Castiel has no right to force
himself on the man. He doesn’t even know if Dean is mentally okay since he’s
stopped calling Dr. Robert a long time ago, much to both Castiel’s and the
doctor’s chagrin.
Castiel sighs and drags himself over to his own cold and empty bedroom. He’ll
sleep and then he can apologize to Dean when the man gets home from his work.

Castiel jerks awake much later when he hears soft knocking on his bedroom door.
He flails blearily and frowns hard at him alarm clock when it tells him it’s
well past 4 p.m. because he never sleeps that late. He supposes it has to do
with how he barely slept the night—day before but still.
It takes him a moment to register that the knocking can be heard again and he
sits up to rub his face sleepily.
"Come in." He calls and immediately clears his throat when he hears how he
sounds. Like rocks grinding other rocks. He coughs just as Dean opens the door.
"Hiya." He says shyly and stays awkwardly in the opening. "I just wanted to
check that you’re okay. You, uh…you been sleeping all day?"
Castiel looks around himself only because he’s embarrassed to be seen in his
bed by Dean and for no other good reason. He rubs the heel of his hand against
one eye to get out of looking at Dean.
"Yes, I…" he clears his throat again. "It seems so."
Dean nods and looks down and it’s clear to Castiel that he’s making the man
uncomfortable.
"Look, Cas, if…if I said something weird yesterday then…"
Castiel can see the rejection in the way Dean holds himself and that’s not at
all what he wants.
"Dean." He mumbles and he holds out a hand for him when Dean looks up. "I don’t
regret what we did. Not, I mean, not entirely."
Before Castiel has a chance to explain anything more Dean is beaming at him and
practically bounces into the room.
"Really?" he breathes excitedly and Castiel can feel his cheeks heat. "I
thought, I mean, the religion might be something holding you back or, I dunno,
you might be a bit homophobic or…" he stops beside Castiel’s bed, in reach if
Castiel still had his hand out but he doesn’t. "Are you? Homophobic, I mean?"
The mirth has slipped out and Dean looks older, looks beaten. Castiel is as
terrified as he is intrigued by Dean’s mood swings. Somehow he wants to devote
his life to understanding and mitigating them and that thought soothes him more
than it probably should.
"I’m not a homophobe." He answers in a low voice. "But Dean, I am a—" he gets
interrupted from saying "virgin" when Dean leans down and grabs his face in
soft hands to kiss him soundly right on the lips.
"Good." Dean all but purrs. Castiel’s chest twists pleasurably at the sound.
Dean pushes forward and ends up straddling Castiel’s lap and by God, he’s
missed feeling Dean’s weight on him. They haven’t done this since Dean moved in
here and Castiel wants to believe that that’s because Dean’s been feeling
better so he hasn’t asked for it but he has missed it.
Dean is much smaller than him but he’s still a grown man and Castiel doesn’t
really have anything to compare to but he thinks this must be very different
from having a woman in his lap. If nothing else he definitely wouldn’t be
feeling the beginning of an erection being grinded down against his own
awakening crotch.
Dean is still cupping Castiel’s face and Castiel lets his hands wander up and
down the man’s back. Dean arches into the touch like a cat and Castiel marvels
at the play of his muscles. When he skims his hands up under the Henley Dean’s
wearing his fingers touch on the cigarette scars on Dean’s spine and he sobers
up some, unfortunately.
He pulls out of the kiss and looks at Dean. Dean stares back with a dopey smile
and hooded eyes. Yes, it’s quite clear to Castiel that Dean wants to have sex
with him but Castiel’s chest constricts when he realizes he doesn’t want just
that from Dean. Can Dean even give him more? Does he want to? Can they have it,
considering how they met? Castiel’s mind is on overdrive and Dean doesn’t seem
to notice, just leans in to peck him on the lips again.
"You’re so fuckin’ handsome, Cas." He murmurs and nips at Castiel’s lower lip.
"Wanna feel you."
He rolls down his hips, his erection dragging along Castiel’s and oh Lord,
Castiel hadn’t even realized just how hard he had become from just a little
kissing. He wants this, wants Dean, so painfully much and the reasons why they
shouldn’t get fuzzed out the more he feels Dean rolling against him. Dean pants
against Castiel’s lips and Castiel clenches his hands on Dean’s back when he
feels almost overwhelmed by the pleasure. He knows he can’t keep it together
for as long as Dean needs him to.
"I-I need to use the bathroom."
Castiel feels like an adolescent virgin instead of a man in his thirties and he
feels the shame fill him so fast his erection almost flags when his own words
actually registers with his brain. Who gets up in the middle of sex to relieve
themselves? That must be a mood killer.
But Dean just smiles and rolls off him to land on the bed in a graceful heap of
soft limbs. He palms his erection and licks his lips.
"Don’t be too long." He says and Castiel wonders if he knows just how seductive
his tone is and is using it on purpose. Because it’s certainly working. Castiel
doesn’t want to leave but he needs to because otherwise he might just turn to
Dean and rut into him until he comes in his sleep pants.
He nods jerkily and stumbles to the door.
"You got any lube?" Dean calls just as Castiel reaches the door and he can’t,
just can’t turn around and look at the man.
He closes his eyes against a different kind of shame, the shame of self-loving,
and gestures blindly over his shoulder.
"Nightstand, top drawer."
He hears Dean rummage around in the drawer before he closes the door to the
bathroom and silence greets him. He breathes deeply for a moment, trying to
calm down, and it works. Reciting some of his favorite psalms almost helps,
like it has in the past in similar situations and he feels grateful for that.
One look in the mirror tells him that he looks horrible and he stands there for
a moment, trying desperately to figure out what Dean finds so appealing. He
looks scared, mostly. Probably because he is but as he stands there,
scrutinizing himself he starts to realize more and more that the scared feeling
is not so much about having sex with a man. It’s not completely about having
sex with Dean specifically either, even though their initial relationship makes
him uneasy and the revelation that he wants more than sex is iffy at best. It’s
not even a religious thing, like Dean had suggested. Castiel is very certain
that the Lord loves all his subjects, no matter whom they choose to love. He’s
said this before and he stands by it.
No, what scares him right now is how appallingly bad he’s going to be. And —
and this might be what scares Castiel the most — if he’s really off-putting in
bed then Dean might never ever want to try and build something else with
Castiel. Might not even want to stay friends because this awkward thing will
still be between them and Castiel wouldn’t know what to do about it.
Quite frankly, his fear stems from disappointing Dean. Dean has had so much bad
happen to him, Castiel doesn’t want to be just another notch in the bad
bedpost. Because while Castiel doesn’t know the specifics he has come to
understand that Dean has been sexually abused and Castiel doesn’t want to be
associated with that.
And as that thought enters his mind, another tailgates along with it.
What if Dean is just doing this to elevate his bad experiences? Has he traded
drugs for Castiel’s body? Is Castiel nothing more than a means for Dean to feel
better about what happened to him? Or, even worse, is he really just a notch on
Dean’s bedpost?
Fucked an innocent straight guy, check.
Castiel really doesn’t want that and that thought makes him even queasier. He’s
prepared to give his virginity to Dean but Dean doesn’t seem to realize that,
other than this being Castiel’s first time with a man. If he did know, would
that make it even better for Dean?
Fucked a 34-year-old straight virgin, double check.
Castiel leans his hands on the sink and hangs his head as he tries to breathe
calmly again. It’s not working as well as last time. He wants Dean, he’s
prepared to give Dean everything, but he’s not sure he can do it if he doesn’t
know that Dean will want something more with him. That Dean will appreciate it,
however cliché that might sound.
He sighs to himself and decides that he’s been in the bathroom far too long. He
should just actually relieve himself and then go in and talk with Dean, just
like he had planned all along. He’s even worked up quite the speech by the time
he leaves the bathroom but unfortunately, as he enters his bedroom again,
everything effectively gets erased when he sees Dean.
Dean, who is spread-eagle on his bed, naked like the day he was born, and four
fingers deep in his own butthole. Castiel just stares, eyes wide and mouth
gaping.
Last time Dean had been completely naked it had been too dark but this time
Castiel sees everything perfectly and he stares his share, drinking in long
lean limbs, pale skin made paler in places by scars. The tattoo on Dean’s right
hip does indeed turn out to be a snake, its body coiling around Dean’s upper
thigh and its head resting just shy of the base of Dean’s erection.
The forbidden fruit. Castiel thinks and believes it’s never been as true as
right now.
"Cas." Dean whines as soon as he sees him standing there. "Want you, please."
Dean really hadn’t been lying last time, he does want Castiel inside him.
Castiel feels gut-punched with that revelation and he’s stumbling over to the
foot of the bed before he can stop himself. Doesn’t want to stop himself.
Dean lifts his hips and spreads his legs, really showing off what he can take
and Castiel is so hard he can’t even think straight. Dean’s own erection lies
heavy against his hip, the head spitting precome against the snake.
"Everything smells so good in ‘ere." Dean mumbles, his head thrown back as he
thrusts his hips down against his hand. "Like you."
Castiel tries to gather moisture enough to swallow but is only partially
successful.
"Does it hurt?" he manages to croak and watches, entranced, how Dean’s whole
body shudders.
"Not anymore." Dean breathes out softly. "Lube’s good." He spreads his fingers
as he withdraws them and Lord help him, Castiel can’t look away from Dean’s
gaping hole.
"I don’t want it to hurt for you."
Dean laughs breathlessly and reaches with his other hand to pop open the tube
of lube.
"You’re big, Cas." He says with a grin as he hands Castiel the lube. Castiel’s
hand shake. "Fucking hell, you’re the biggest I’ve ever had, ever seen. Didn’t
know I was a size queen but maybe I am, but angel." He spreads his legs wider.
"You’re not thicker than four fingers wide."
Except Dean had had the fingers folded against each other in a little cone,
hadn’t he? Castiel doesn’t question it, just climbs on the bed while ripping
off his sleep tee. He struggles with his pants as Dean writhes on the bed
before him and he doesn’t bother to push them further down than mid-thigh. It’s
enough to spring his erection free and he groans when it bobs almost painfully.
"Yes." Dean hisses. "There you are."
Surprisingly, Dean’s looking at Castiel’s face and not his penis when Castiel
opens his eyes and stares down at the young man. This should be moment when he
tells Dean that he’s actually a virgin. It wouldn’t have to be a big deal
either. Just a quick thing to let Dean know what to expect and the words are on
the tip of Castiel’s tongue but then Dean arches his back, displaying the long
column of his neck and Castiel’s mind blanks out again.
Dean had been mumbling about biting Castiel’s ear lobes all those months ago
and the thought has stuck with Castiel like cheap gum to the bottom of a shoe.
And now all he can think about is putting his own teeth against Dean’s skin.
Dean’s neck is really the only part of him that’s completely blemish free. That
and his inner thighs, Castiel notes now, and he wants to put his own marks
there. Everyone else has gotten to mark Dean and now Castiel wants to do it
too. Wants his marks to overrule the others.
"C’mon, Cas, please." Dean whines then and breaks Castiel’s spell.
He looks down to see Dean pumping his own erection but his hole looks
depressingly empty and Castiel wants to remedy that. Slicking his penis up with
lube proves to be counterproductive, though, as it almost makes him come and he
groans deeply while thrusting against his own grip.
"Cas, Imma come, please get in me."
The thought that Dean might be just as affected by this as Castiel, despite his
years of experience, is almost overwhelming. Castiel shuffles forward on his
knees and he can’t really hold it much longer.
"Dean." He groans, gripping Dean’s knees so hard his fingertips go white. His
penis is hard enough that he barely needs to guide it and he honestly doesn’t
really know how anyway. "Dean, I-I can’t…"
Can’t hold it, is what he means to say but Dean interrupts him with a whimper.
"Don’t you want me?"
He looks at Castiel with teary eyes and Castiel’s heart breaks. "I want you too
much." He whispers hoarsely and that makes Dean grin. He grabs his tight
testicles, and lifts them as if they had been in the way.
"Then get in here, big guy."
When the head of Castiel’s penis breaches Dean for the first time everything
goes white for Castiel. He throws his head back and comes with a sharp cry of
pure ecstasy. The fit it so tight, almost too tight, and it’s so warm. And it’s
Dean.
Dean give a loud shout of "oh fuck" and Castiel feels him almost thrash against
his grip but Castiel can’t unclench his hands now, can’t pull away. He wants to
stay in Dean forever, never wants to let go of the man.
When he eventually manages to open his eyes he can barely see for how tightly
clenched they had been. Black spots dance before him and an apology for his
embarrassing reaction is on the tip of his tongue but one look at Dean makes
him believe he won’t need to apologize quite as much as he thinks.
Dean is lying with his back bent at an awkward angle, his hands wrapped loosely
around his dick, one hand smeared with the ejaculate that covers the young
man’s chest and stomach. His eyes are nearly closed and his beautiful mouth is
stretched in a lopsided grin.
They both make lamenting sounds when Castiel pulls out of Dean’s body but
Castiel needs to kiss him right now. Needs it more than air. When Dean kisses
back it feels like a promise, feels like redemption, and Castiel allows himself
a respite from his doubts.

                                     *****

"What do I do, Gabriel?"
Gabriel hums as he chews on the pastry he so thoughtfully had brought for
himself when Castiel had called him over. Dean is thankfully at work and won’t
be home in another four hours and Castiel knows that as soon as the man comes
home they are either going to talk or have sex again and it doesn’t matter
which because Castiel is sure he’s going to screw up either one.
"Okay, here’s what you should do." Gabriel leans closer and Castiel hastily
hands him a napkin before he can get chocolate all over the couch. "You should
tell Dean that you want to wait with sex for a while so you can get to know
each other and then you go and buy yourself a sex doll so you can practice on
that."
Castiel scrunches up his nose. "But what if Dean’s finds the doll—and oh my God
Gabriel, that wasn’t what I was talking about!"
Gabriel looks shell-shocked for a moment and Castiel thinks that’s appropriate.
He rarely yells but he needs to get his point across.
"Okay." Gabriel says after a moment, his voice just slightly reverent. "This
must be a real problem for you to blaspheme like that."
Castiel blushes when he realizes what he said. "Yes, well…it is."
"Okay, so if the problem isn’t your virginity and that you think you’ll be bad
in bed then what is it?"
Well, it’s that too but Castiel doesn’t want to talk to his flamboyant big
brother about that.
So far his only two encounters with Dean has ended embarrassingly fast but both
times Dean had come too and he was so happy all evening yesterday, even though
he looked a little sad that Castiel didn’t invite him into his bedroom when
they eventually went to bed. That hadn’t been on purpose, though, but rather
because Castiel is so used to sleeping alone. Plus he had had his mind on other
things, like how to try and form an actual relationship with Dean. He had
intended to rectify his behavior this morning but Dean had flittered out of the
apartment with a forced smile so Castiel had ended up calling Gabriel instead
just so he could spill his guts. It’s going a little so-so.
"I think I want a relationship with Dean."
"Okay, great."
Castiel stares at his smiling brother. "No, not great. Didn’t you hear what I
said?"
Gabriel rolls his eyes and pours himself a new cup of coffee which he overloads
with sugar.
"I heard you say that you wanna be boyfriends with the hot young man you
invited into your home and has totally been pining over since day one."
Castiel splutters and Gabriel sips his coffee obnoxiously loud. "I haven’t been
pining." He eventually settles on. "I’m a man."
Gabriel rolls his eyes. "And men can’t pine for someone they like? What are
you, twelve?"
Castiel doesn’t want to answer that and also doesn’t want to acknowledge what
Gabriel just insinuated.
"He used to be my patient."
Gabriel snorts into his coffee. "Yeah, and that should really be your biggest
clue."
"How so?"
The look Gabriel gives him is so serious that it actually makes Castiel sit
back, astonished. Gabriel is never this serious.
"Let’s think about it, Cassie. How many of your patients have you invited to
your home before? Even with how unfairly that Adler dickhead has treated them,
how many of them have you stood up for like this and how many have you
sacrificed not only money but safety and sanity for?"
Gabriel’s hard words make Castiel feel stunned.
"None." He breathes and watches with big eyes how Gabriel nods.
"And why do you think you went out on a limb for Dean? Come on, Cassie, you’re
a smart man."
"But I…" Castiel hadn’t liked Dean like…like this when he had asked Dean to
move in with him, right? He had just wanted to help the man. Right?! "We can’t
be in a relationship, Gabriel."
Gabriel huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. "Why not?"
Why not? How can’t his brother see what Castiel sees?
"Because we’re not…we can never be equals, Gabriel." Castiel feels desperate
when Gabriel only looks at him with soft eyes. "I started out as Dean’s
caretaker, he was my patient. No one will ever believe that any kind of love
between us is unconditional and equal."
"Cassie." Gabriel reaches out and takes Castiel’s hands in his and Castiel only
then realizes he’s been waving them as he speaks. He never does that. Dean
does, though. "Listen to me. Is it possible that you’re not letting the two of
you be equals?"
Castiel looks at his brother in stunned fear for a moment before he sags back
against the couch. Gabriel lets go of his hands but still sits turned toward
Castiel, almost as if he’s excepting a freak-out but the thing is that Castiel
feels nothing but a strange calm wash over him.
"Good Lord." He mumbles and Gabriel relaxes back against the couch too, slumped
over sideways and grinning like a fool.
"Yes, let’s hope he is, huh?" he nudges Castiel’s thigh with his knee. "Now,
about that pesky virginity problem of yours…"
Castiel can’t wait for this conversation to be over and for Dean to come home.


***** The dreamer of dreams *****
Chapter Notes
     Hi y'all! Please notice the tag I added for this chapter. I mean, it
     fits the whole fic but I thought about it considering the
     conversation that takes place later in this chapter :D
     Have a nice Thursday!


Dean battles with dad for most of the day. Well, not actual-dad of course
because he’s dead. Dean sees his bloated corpse enough times in his mind to
never forget that. But instead regular mind-dad, the asshole. Sure, he doesn’t
show his face that often anymore but he’s still there. Not as much as when Dean
was just getting off the drugs but sometimes.
Stacking packets of butter on the shelves are monotone enough for Dean’s mind
to start whirring and even though he came to work that morning feeling pretty
good about himself he’s worked himself into a funk by lunch time. He ends up
sitting alone, mostly because the other workers are having lunch at different
times and his handsy supervisor isn’t in today. Dean thinks that might be for
the best because otherwise he might have done something seriously stupid with
the man.
Cas doesn’t really want you. Mind-dad hisses in Dean’s ear and Dean clenches
his soggy sandwich harder. You’ve got a pretty face, you’re his gay experiment.
That’s not true, Cas isn’t like that. Cas might never have been with a man
because maybe it hadn’t occurred to him before or maybe it had but his
religious beliefs held him back. But that doesn’t mean that Dean is an
experiment for the man. It might just be that Dean has ended up becoming
special for Cas.
Yeah, right. Dean can almost feel mind-dad’s snort. You’re real special
alright. A special kind of stupid.
Dean turns in his seat as if that will make mind-dad go away. Cas tells Dean
he’s smart. He’s doing well in his classes and his supervisor praises his work.
Because he wants to fuck you, stupid. Just like your precious Castiel. No one
actually likes you, are you that much of an idiot?
No, actually, Dean is not. He knows he’s not worth anyone’s time but Cas makes
him feel like he is and he wants to keep the illusion, even if mind-dad snorts
at it.
It’s difficult, though, because it feels like Cas is pushing Dean away even
when he’s luring him in. Worst had been last night when he had announced that
he was going to bed and then he had just left. Hadn’t waited to see if Dean
wanted to join him. And Dean had wanted that very much.
It’s because you’re such a hassle, Dean.
No, Dean refuses to believe that. Cas is just confused because he hasn’t wanted
to do stuff like this with a man before. Might even be that he thinks guys
don’t need intimacy like Dean supposes women are more inclined to want. He will
just have to tell the man.
Setting yourself up for disappointments like a good boy, I see.
Dean throws the rest of his sandwich in the trash, unable to finish it with the
lump that’s growing in his throat.
He spends the rest of his shift trying to ignore mind-dad and is marginally
successful after a coworker joins him behind the shelves. By the time his shift
has ended he has decided to confront Cas in any way he’ll be able to. He hopes
he’ll at least be able to tell the man how he feels but as he waits for the bus
to come and take him home he starts feeling restless.
He ends up calling Sammy and maybe that’s not so smart but Dean doesn’t want to
be alone with mind-dad for the whole bus ride.
Sam answers almost immediately, assures Dean that he’s not disturbing anything
important and then continues to ramble on about his upcoming field trip until
Dean is about ready to burst. Thankfully the bus isn’t very full and he’s sat
down at the very back where he’s relatively alone.
"I need to talk about Cas."
Sammy quiets for a moment and when he starts talking his voice has taken on a
dangerous tone.
"Why? What’s he done?"
Dean shifts his eyes but of course no one is looking at him. They would have to
turn their heads to accomplish that.
"It’s more like what he hasn’t done."
"What?"
Dean presses the phone to his ear. "I wanna fuck ‘im."
Sam shucks in a sharp breath and Dean hears a door close in the background.
"Dean…"
"I know." He sighs. "But not only like fuck, okay? I wanna, I dunno, do normal
people stuff with him too. Hang out."
Sammy clears his throat and Dean can picture him running his large hand through
his unnaturally soft hair.
"Dean, he…you…" Sammy sighs deeply. "You were a patient."
"So?"
"So, do you think you can be anything else to him?"
Dean frowns in confusion. "What do you mean? He still sees me like a patient?"
"He might. He might never see anything else when he looks at you. Who knows how
many other people he’s invited into his home like this."
Now Dean’s frowning in anger. "Cas isn’t like that." He states loudly enough
for an elderly lady to turn around and look at him in surprise. She doesn’t say
anything and seems to gather that he’s only talking on the phone and is not in
fact a dangerous dude who talks to himself. "He’s never been with a guy
before."
"Women then." Sam quiets but Dean doesn’t have time to interrupt before his
little brother continues. "And how do you know that, have you asked him?"
Dean sinks lower in his seat. "We’ve done stuff."
"Dean." Sammy groans. Dean picks at his jeans. "He lets you stay there for free
and now you’re paying him back with sex?"
"Are you calling me a prostitute?" he growls and Sammy makes a soothing noise
that only serves to anger Dean more. "Because I’m not. It’s not prostitution if
both parties are interested in the other."
Dean knows very well that it can still be but he doesn’t want to hear this from
his brother. He wants encouragement and advice on how to make Cas like him
more. He wants support and a reasonable voice to drown out mind-dad’s incessant
screaming. Instead this conversation only makes mind-dad howl with laughter and
Dean starts thinking that he deserves getting laughed at.
"I’m not laughing." Sam mumbles in a hurt tone and Dean only then realizes he
must have said that last part out loud.
"Well you’re sure as hell not supportive either, little brother." Dean spits
but manages to keep his tone low enough that the old lady won’t turn around
again. "I thought you wanted me to move on with my life, carve me some
happiness."
"I do—"
"Cas makes me happy."
"I’m sure he does. I just don’t want you to get hurt, Dean." Sam’s soothing
tone is working a little bit on Dean now but man, he’s never wished for some
acid quite like he wishes for it now. "I don’t want him to use you. Can’t you
see how easy that could be for him? He’s in a position of power you can’t even
hope to obtain or even match."
"Maybe relationships don’t have to be about power, Sammy." Dean grumbles. He’s
almost at his stop but now he’s feeling shittier than before he got on the bus
and he doesn’t want to come home like this. "Maybe they can just be about
devoting yourself to each other."
"That would be wonderful, Dean." Sam says in a kind tone. "I just don’t want
you to be the only one to devote yourself. You’re very vulnerable right now."
Dean watches as his stop slides right past the window. "‘M fine."
"Have you talked to Cas about this?"
"I was gonna but you fucked it up."
Sam makes a contemplating noise. "I still think you should but maybe now you
can look at it more objectively. Being in love is a lot like beer goggles."
"‘M not in love."
Or maybe he is, he’s certainly thought a lot about it in these last couple of
months.
Sam keeps talking for a while, trying to be encouraging in his carful way but
all it does is make Dean gloomier and the conversation dies on a rather low
note. Dean can tell that Sammy feels bad about how he first reacted to
something Dean was initially happy about but Dean doesn’t offer any kind of
comfort. Mind-dad is taking over again and Dean just stuffs his hands in his
pockets and slides further down the seat to stare at the world outside the bus
window with unseeing eyes.

                                     *****

Dean comes home hours later and when he does he’s met in the door by a very
worried Cas.
"Dean!" he exclaims and pulls Dean into a tight hug. "What happened?"
"Talked with Sammy so I missed my stop." Dean mumbles and kind of hates that he
just lied to Cas. He breathes in the scent of the man and wishes they were
naked.
Mind-dad has been relentless and Dean just wants to forget, wants Cas’ touches
to heal him in that way only they can.
"Dean." Cas admonishes softly. "You have to be more careful, what if something
had happened?"
Dean pulls out of the hug and shrugs off his jacket. "This is Lawrence, Cas,
not LA."
Cas frowns and even that looks good on the man. Fuck Sammy for making Dean
doubt this. He doesn’t doubt his own feelings but his mind is a jumble of what
ifs concerning Cas’ feelings. The man has sometimes been stand-offish and Dean
is starting to wonder if that is because he actually doesn’t see Dean as
anything more than a hole.
But Dean can be a hole to Cas, okay? He’s been a great hole to a great many
people, why not Cas? So what if they can’t have a regular relationship, Dean
would still be able to stay with Cas. Right?
Unless he gets himself a pretty wife. Mind-dad pipes up and Dean can’t honestly
remember a time when mind-dad was this talkative.
"You have been through a lot, Dean." Cas starts kindly but it only serves to
make Dean remember Sammy’s words. "I just don’t want anything to happen to you.
You wouldn’t even answer you phone."
Dean hadn’t heard it ringing since he turned the sound off after Sam’s second
text.
"I know shit happened to me in past, Cas. I lived it." He hadn’t meant to snarl
but there it is. Cas is frowning again but he’s more annoyed now than
concerned. Great.
"Dean, I’m only trying to—"
"Trying to remind me I’m only a fucking patient? Thanks, you’ve made your
point." Dean’s chest is heaving with suddenly angry breaths but it’s not really
Cas he’s angry with. It’s the world, mostly, himself for being such a fuck-up,
and Sammy for dampening his spirits. It isn’t fair, Dean was happy with Cas.
"That’s not true." Cas states loudly enough for Dean to stop as he tries to
make his way past the man. Cas very rarely yells or even speaks loudly but now
he looks furious. "You’re so much more, Dean, and I will spend every waking
hour trying to convince you until it gets through your thick skull."
Dean’s throat is way too tight. "Fuck you, Cas!" He basically yells in the
man’s face, standing so close he feels Cas’ uneven breaths on his face. "You
think you’re so much better than me? Think you’re gonna fix me? I ain’t a
broken IKEA chair."
Inside Dean’s head mind-dad is laughing hysterically and Dean is pleading for
Cas to yespleasefixmeholdmeplease but none of that gets translated, of course,
because Dean is not normal in the head.
Cas squints so hard it looks painful and he pushes Dean bodily up against the
hallway wall.
"Dean, you stubborn, insecure man. I—"
This time when Dean interrupts Cas it’s not so much an accident but because he
can’t stand not kissing the man anymore. Cas groans deeply against Dean’s mouth
and they open up at the same time, tongues battling as Dean grabs big tufts of
Cas’ hair and Cas puts his hands on Dean’s hips to hold him steady as he slots
himself against Dean’s body.
Dean clings to Cas’ warm body and when Cas puts a thigh between his legs, Dean
surges up against it, grinding his quickly wakening dick against the man’s leg.
The kisses are heated and sloppy, their bodies warm as they press together and
Dean is already heady from so little.
He doesn’t care about what Sammy said, he doesn’t care if Cas just wants him
for a quick fuck now and then. If he can get to feel like this once in a while
then Dean knows he can be without drugs and still be happy.
Cas is making low keening noises and Dean knows, on some level, that the man
will want to talk about this and about the other stuff they did. Cas is a
proper man, he’ll want labels and permissions and Dean kind of wants that too
but not right now.
Cas seems to know this, though, or maybe he’s just too heated right now too.
Cas isn’t usually yelling and he rarely gets angry, at least not with Dean, so
maybe this riled him up almost too much. Or maybe there’s something else
powering him right now and Dean should stop trying to analyze the situation. He
doesn’t do that normally. Fucking Sam putting fucking ideas in Dean’s head.
He moans wantonly when Cas suddenly puts his big hands on the swell of Dean’s
ass and the sound must do something good for the older man because Cas shudders
and thrusts his sizable erection against Dean’s hip. Fuck, Dean wants that
inside.
"Feels so fucking good, Cas." He murmurs and Cas gasps almost too innocently
for a man. Dean likes that about Cas. He’s not had much luck with straight men
before as most of them are either straight for real or too closeted for Dean’s
taste but Cas is just the right amount of everything. "Can’t stand it without
you. Wanna feel this." He grinds his own hips against Cas’ and loves how Cas’
dick jumps.
Cas practically growls and Dean loves everything about this man but his voice
is a particular delight. Without warning Dean finds his head pulled to the side
to expose his throat and he looks at Cas with hooded eyes. Cas is staring at
Dean’s neck, licking his lips. Their hips are undulating together now, almost
unconsciously.
A surprised gasp escapes Dean when Cas leans in and scrapes his teeth along
Dean’s pulse. It’s not nearly hard enough to break the skin and Dean finds
himself pressing closer, kind of wanting those bite marks on him. Cas has very
straight teeth and it’s something weird to think about in the middle of
everything but somehow it’s also arousing.
Cas makes a clucking sound at the back of his throat when he swallows and then
Dean feels him actually fucking biting down. Still not enough to break skin but
definitely enough to leave some kind of mark. Dean moans at the thought of Cas
marking him and he can feel Cas’ pants growing wet at the tip of his dick. Fuck
yeah, looks like Cas has some kind of kink here and Dean is more than willing
to indulge.
"Get me naked, big boy." He hums against Cas’ hair, mouthing at the man’s head.
"Bite me in other places."
The sound Cas lets out at that is so deliciously vulnerable that Dean can’t
help but buck his hips harshly against Cas’ solid frame, seeking friction any
way he can.
In the next moment they’ve managed to twirl themselves ungracefully into Cas’
bedroom, bumping into walls and doors on the way but it’s okay because Cas
can’t stop kissing Dean and Dean loves how cherished the kisses make him feel.
They’re still sloppy but only because Cas can’t seem to wait to get with Dean.
Dean hopes they’ll have time to get all of Cas inside him this time but
realistically he can see that it might be for naught.
Cas is already very tightly strung and Dean is not far behind him. It’s just
something about having Cas touch him like this that’s so much better than it’s
ever been before. It might be because this is the only sex he’s ever had that
was drug free, except for dad but let’s not go there. Or it might be because
Sammy was right and Dean is in love.
The moment they hit the bed Dean decides to think about that later.
Cas is hard and heavy on top of Dean and it’s the best kind of feeling, being
trapped under a man like Cas. The intensity shifts once they’re on the bed and
Cas starts touching Dean more reverently and Dean doesn’t really know what to
do with that. It’s not that he doesn’t like it but he’s never been touched like
Cas touches him now.
Soft kisses and soothing touches as he slowly undresses Dean, each new patch of
skin revealed gets equally worshipped and Dean is panting and achingly hard by
the time Cas has gotten him completely naked.
"What the fuck?" he mumbles, in no way angrily, and Cas smiles down at him,
gently combing his hair with one hand as he kisses Dean softly.
Can gentleness be a kink? Because Dean is really starting to believe it fucking
can for him.
Cas leaves the bed for a second to practically rip off his own clothes and then
he’s back, nosing down Dean’ jaw before kissing where he bit him earlier. Dean
doesn’t know what to do. He’s been with plenty of men but no one’s ever held
him like this and he’s restless but kind of loving the feeling.
His hands roam the smooth expanse of Cas’ back and Cas grinds slowly down
against Dean’s dick, their erections hard and wet as they slide together. He
pulls his legs up and spreads them wider when Cas starts licking his way down
Dean’s neck and chest. He pauses at Dean’s perky nipples and when he nips at
one Dean throws his head back with a moan.
"So beautiful." Cas breathes. "I’ve never felt like this before, Dean."
Dean can’t formulate sentences right now. He’s stuck squirming against Cas’
bigger body and trying to process what’s going on. His body is alight with
pleasure so sharp it almost stings but his mind is full of emotions that’s
making him feel weird. Many of these emotions are new to him, he thinks, and he
doesn’t know what to make of them.
His throat closes up and his eyes sting in that way they do when he’s about to
cry but he’s also…happy? How the fuck can he feel two things at the same time?
His attempts at unravelling this get blown out the window when Cas nips at his
hipbone.
"Tell me what to do." Cas murmurs in his whisky-voice and Dean looks down to
see him staring at Dean’s dick. Right, straight guy over here.
Dean contemplates Cas’ request for about half a second because let’s face it,
no matter how awesome it would feel with Cas’ sinful lips around his dick Dean
really wants Cas to fuck him. Has wanted it for too fucking long, to be honest.
"Change places with me." He answers in a voice much huskier than he would have
thought. Cas seems to like it, though. He looks at Dean with lust-blown eyes
and nods slowly before sitting up to give Dean room to do the same.
He meets Dean for a quick kiss that turns into some grinding and touching but
eventually Dean has managed to get Cas stretched out on his back with Dean
straddling his stomach. Fuck yeah, Cas looks perfect like this.
Cas puts his hands on Dean’s thighs and Dean does notice that they tremble a
little but he doesn’t reflect on why.
"Dean?"
"Gonna ride you, Cas." Dean murmurs with a grin and relishes the feeling of
Cas’ dick jumping behind him.
He’s rock hard and ramrod straight but so fucking big he can’t possibly stand
up properly. Instead his dick lies against his hip and Dean reaches back to
slot it between his ass cheeks and grinds against it in his own perverted
version of a pole dance.
Cas chokes out a little whine and thrusts his hips up. Dean loves how
responsive Cas is.
"Just gotta stretch me, ‘kay?"
Cas nods rapidly but seems unable to do much more. It’s cute and makes Dean
smile in a way he’s never smiled during sex before. The hair at the nape of his
neck stands on end when Cas lets out a lamenting sound as Dean pulls away to go
to the nightstand and dig out the lube.
When he looks back he finds that Cas is basically a sweaty mess on the bed
already. His eyes are scrunched shut and his jaws are clenched shut so tightly
the hinges bulge out almost comically. Dean climbs back on but settles lower so
that their dicks can slide together as Dean preps himself.
"Hey." He mumbles and leans down to kiss Cas’ tight lips. "Cas, c’mon, look at
me."
Is he weirded out? Maybe the whole religious family/straight guy act is finally
catching up to him? Dean really hopes not but he’ll deal with it if that’s the
case.
Thankfully enough Cas opens his eyes and breathes out slowly. He leans up for
another kiss and Dean indulges him with a grin.
"Hi there." He licks Cas’ lips once before pulling back and focusing on the
lube.
"Dean."
"Yeah, still just me." He winks at Cas’ frown and then closes his eyes as he
starts rubbing his slicked up fingers against his quivering hole. "Touch me
while I do this."
Cas takes a deep breath and Dean feels hesitant but strong fingers trail
feather light touches along his pelvis and upper thighs. Cas’ fingers skate
Dean’s dick just as Dean finds his prostate and the sound he makes must scare
Cas a bit because he pulls back. Dean wants to tell him to come back but can’t
find the words as he starts fucking himself on two fingers.
Moments later Cas puts his hands on Dean’s chest instead, his thumbs rolling
over Dean’s sensitive nipples and fuck yes. Dean puts his other hand on Cas’
chest and leans forward to grind his dick against Cas’ as he inserts another
finger.
"Dean." Cas chokes out and Dean loves how he can make Cas sound so desperate so
easily. "Dean, it’s too much."
Dean nods with his mouth open and eyes closed. "Fuck yeah, I know."
"No, Dean, I need to…"
Dean moans at Cas’ trembling voice and he puts in a fourth finger too fast. He
relishes the burn, though, because he knows it’s gonna burn with Cas inside and
he wants it, so much. Usually when Dean’s had sex he’s either only needed two
or three fingers at the most and sometimes he wasn’t even afforded that
curtesy, so to wait until he’s stretched on four fingers is almost torture but
he knows it’s gonna be so worth it.
"Next time…" he pants and pulls out his fingers, thoroughly fed up with the
prep by now. "Next time you do it."
"M-me?" Cas stammers cutely and Dean grins down at him while he takes his time
to slick up his hand again.
"Yeah you, handsome." He grabs Cas’ dick and smears it with almost too much
lube. Cas lets out a punched out sound and Dean can’t wait. "Bet it’d be so
good. Bet I’d come from that alone. Love your fingers, Cas."
Cas is chewing air by the time Dean rises on his knees to sit above Cas’ dick
but Dean doesn’t mind. The silence speaks for itself and he can’t stop grinning
even as he starts lowering himself on Cas, the stretch burning just as
deliciously as he had hoped.
Fuck, this is almost too good. Dean has never felt so fucking filled before and
it feels like a fucking absolution for all the bad dickings he’s gotten in the
past. Barely without thought he starts fisting his own neglected dick and the
lube that’s been left over on his hand makes the strokes fucking perfect.
Cas is curled up in a ball, his knees pressing against Dean’s back and his head
almost touching Dean’s chest. His breathing is just a little hitching sound and
his fingers dig in so hard against Dean’s hips that Dean’s sure he’s gonna get
bruises. And what’s not to love about that? What’s not to love about any of
this? Dean must have fucking died in that tub all those months ago because he
sure as hell found his own slice of heaven right here.
It takes Cas forever to get fully seated in Dean but when he does Dean can’t
help but sigh contently. Finally he has all of Cas. Now if the man would only
unwind a little.
"Cas?" he mumbles soothingly and brushes a hand through the man’s sweaty hair.
"Feeling good?"
He gets a croak in answer and can’t help but smirk smugly. Dean’s never had a
harder dick inside him before and he can’t wait until Cas gets with the program
and really starts fucking him. He rolls slowly against the man and Cas’ breath
hitch.
"Dean…"
"Yeah, feels fucking awesome." Dean moans and swivels his hips in little figure
eights.
"No, Dean, wait." Cas’ every word is curt and cut and his body is jerking
against Dean. Dean clenches his hole and feels Cas seize up. "Dean!"
If Cas was smaller Dean probably would have been unseated with how harshly Cas
bucks up but as it is he remains firmly in place. He gasps sharply when Cas
comes so hard Dean can feel it shooting against his inner walls. He puts a hand
down on Cas’ bent neck and tries his best to help the man through his orgasm.
His own dick jumps painfully but he ignores it for now in favor of being what
Cas needs.
It takes Cas a long time until he’s finally able to unclench and lie back on
the bed and Dean has a smart-ass remark about that on the tip of his tongue but
when he sees the expression on Cas’ face it all sticks to the back of his
throat. Because Cas doesn’t look blissed out, he looks ashamed.
Ashamed to have done it with such a filthy man, no doubt. Mind-dad suddenly
says and Dean jerks as if slapped.
No, Cas doesn’t think like that. Right?
"Cas?" he mumbles and touches the man’s chest lightly. Cas is still half-hard
and lodged inside Dean but he’s going softer by the second and Dean suspects
that even with his size he’ll eventually slip free on his own so he remains
seated on the man to be able to feel him a little longer.
"I-I’m sorry, Dean." Cas mumbles in a hush, his eyes averted. But his hands are
on Dean’s thighs so Dean thinks they’re probably still kind of okay. "I
underperformed yet again."
Underperformed? Dean feels dense.
"Are you talking about you coming before me?" he asks dumbly and when Cas
glances at him Dean realizes that yes, that’s exactly what he’s talking about.
"Cas, that’s fine. It just shows me you liked it, okay?"
Cas frowns, his cheeks still tinted pink from both arousal and embarrassment.
"Not okay." He counters softly. "I want to be able to give you pleasure too."
"Uh…" Dean gestures down at his still very perky dick. "You still got your
chance, stud."
Cas looks down at Dean’s dick, which shows it’s appreciation by jumping
happily, and then back up to meet Dean’s confused eyes with determined ones.
"Yes, and I will. But I want to be able to have proper sex with you too. I’ve
been…hesitant to do things with you Dean, because I know you have experience
and I…" he closes his eyes briefly and Dean’s stomach churns so unpleasantly
his erection starts flagging.
"Cas, you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?"
"I am, well I was, a virgin." Cas opens his eyes when he’s spoken and looks a
bit spooked, as if he hadn’t really meant to reveal that but Dean just blinks
in confusion.
"Well yeah." He says and sits up straighter. Cas’ dick slides out a bit but not
wholly. "You’ve been thinking you’re straight, right? Gay-virgin."
Right?
Cas draws a big breath and looks at Dean with determination once again. "No. I
mean virgin-virgin."
"You…" Dean laughs nervously because what the hell? "How is that even
possible?"
"I’m not sure what you mean…?"
Dean snorts to hide how freaked out he’s getting. Cas is a virgin? Well no
wonder he’s been so nice and gentle with Dean so far. Even today, when all this
basically started as angry sex Cas still managed to make it sweet and no
fucking wonder.
"I mean, with this cock and that face." He gestures to Cas’ increasingly red
face. "You’re so fucking kind and smart, Cas. How’s no chick picked you apart
yet?"
This makes Cas avert his eyes again.
"I’ve, well…I guess you could say I’ve been saving myself for marriage. However
cliché that sounds."
Dean’s whole body freezes and the last of his arousal gets snuffed out so fast
it’s actually kind of painful. Cas has been saving himself for marriage? And
Dean just went and-and took...
"Why the fuck didn’t you say something?!"
Cas winces at Dean’s shrill voice and while Dean doesn’t blame him he can’t
exactly calm down either.
"I-I was hoping it wouldn’t matter." Cas mumbles, the blush spreading down his
chest now. "But, I mean, I know I’ve been awful at this so—"
"Well if it’s your first fucking time it’s not so weird, Cas." Dean tries hard
not to hurt the man as he gets off him in a rush but he still hears the soft
grunt Cas lets out when Dean puts too much pressure on his stomach.
"I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t think you would mind…"
Dean sits at the edge of the bed, his back to Cas because he can’t look at the
man and not feel nauseous. He has to take a deep breath and is worried that it
comes out a sigh when it’s not.
"I’m not…" he bites his lower lip as images of dad floats before Dean’s eyes.
Dad and his grabby hands. "I don’t mind that you’re…that you were a virgin,
Cas. I think it’s sweet that you tried to save yourself for something nice like
marriage but…" he looks over his shoulder and finds that Cas is staring at him
with wide and worried eyes. Man, he looks much younger all of a sudden and Dean
feels like he’s pushing sixty. "But I took that from you. Don’t you see how I
fucking violated you?"
Cas frowns at this and that’s better, makes him look his age again.
"Violated? I wanted you to do what you did. I want you, Dean."
Dean snorts again, this time to hide embarrassment. "No you don’t."
He jerks when Cas moves to put a hand on Dean’s arm. "Of course I do. I’ve
waited this long, do you think I would just give away my virginity like it
means nothing? I was hoping it would be something nice that we could share but
I can see I’ve upset you and I’m sorry."
No, this is wrong. Cas hasn’t done anything to warrant an apology and yet he’s
the one trying to soothe Dean, when Dean’s the one who…who…
"But that’s the point!" Dean almost growls and turns to face Cas on the bed.
Cas removes his hand and Dean misses it immediately. "You were waiting, saving
yourself. Why the fuck would you let me take it from you."
"Dean, I am much stronger than you. Don’t you think I couldn’t have pushed you
off if I didn’t want to do this? My only regret is how bad I am. I was
contemplating practicing but couldn’t figure out how. I don’t want to have sex
with someone who isn’t you."
Dean’s mouth feels dry and his throat itches. "I don’t understand." He croaks
and Cas sighs as he sits back against the headboard.
"I guess you could say that I’ve not been saving myself for marriage as much as
for the right person." He smiles crookedly when Dean feels his cheeks heat up.
"From a very early age I was told that sex is something you do when you’re
married so I’ve believed that to be true but…" he looks down and his smile
softens. "But the more time I spend with you the more I realize that it’s not
as much marriage the act, as the person I’d be marrying that I’ve been saving
myself for. And I’ve been looking in the wrong places, looking at women. Or
maybe I’ve always just been waiting for you. Does that make sense?"
Dean doesn’t know because his brain has shut down, overloaded with the
possibilities of what Cas is saying.
"But…Cas, you can’t mean that."
"Why not?"
Dean’s frown matches Cas’. "Because you could’ve chosen literally anyone and
you shouldn’t have chosen me."
Cas reaches out for Dean and while Dean takes his hand he doesn’t move closer.
Cas lets their hands rest on the bed between them.
"Tell me why."
Dean feels so frustrated he could cry. How fucking hard can this be to
understand?
"Because I’m filth, Cas!" Maybe he is crying. "You could’ve chosen anyone and
I-I…I’ve wanted you for so long I’ve been throwing myself at you. I gave you no
choice, just…just like he didn’t give me a-a…" he can’t breathe.
Strong arms wrap themselves around him but for the first time in a long time
it’s not scary and it doesn’t trigger a bad flashback. Instead he just melts
against Cas’ wide chest and lets Cas pet him down his back and kiss his head.
"Who hurt you, Dean?"
"Dad." Dean whispers and feels Cas freeze beneath him. "Dad touched me, took my
virginity, gave me no choice. And he kept doing it until he died ten years
later. And now I did—"
"This is not the same." Cas interrupts in the most authoritative voice Dean has
ever heard. He rubs his face against Cas’ chest. "This is not the same." Softer
now. "You are beautiful, you’re not broken, you’re not your father. I want you,
I need you."
"Even if I’m tainted by dad?"
Cas hugs him tightly. "You’re not. But yes, I would want you even if you had
been tainted."
Dean shudders but has at least managed to stop crying. "Why?"
Cas cups Dean’s jaw and angles his head back so that they can kiss softly.
"Because you’re beautiful, both on the inside and outside." Cas kisses Dean
again when he moans pathetically. "Because you mix up our underwear on laundry
day. Because when you bake you get flour on your nose and forget to wipe it
off. Because you leave the vacuum cleaner in the corner so I won’t trip over
it. Because you forget to water the flowers." Each kiss is deeper but no less
sweet. "Because you’re so perfectly imperfect for me. Because you make me
happy."
Dean is hard again when Cas snakes down a hand to grab Dean’s rump and pull him
closer. Dean ends up straddling Cas’ lap and he buries his hands in Cas’ hair
as the kisses gets open-mouthed and sloppy, just like before.
"Cas, I need you."
Cas nods. "I’m sorry I’m not that good at holding my orgasms at bay. Will you
allow me to practice on you, with you, so I can be better for you?"
Dean arches his back when Cas wraps his warm hand around Dean’s straining dick.
"Yes." He hisses, both at the question and the feeling. Dean doesn’t mind that
Cas doesn’t have much experience and he wants to tell the man this. Maybe
later, though, because right now his body is firing up and fuck, he had been so
close before it’s no wonder he approaches the edge at lightning speed now.
Cas kisses his throat and chest, one hand back to cup Dean’s ass, fingers
sliding against Dean’s hole while the other works his dick over. Cas’ finger
dips inside, easily aided by the lube and his own come and the feeling of Cas’
fingers inside him is divine. Dean is so close his eyes get teary again.
"Let me strive to be the man you deserve, Dean." Cas whispers then and it’s
enough to push Dean over the edge.
He comes with a wail and hugs Cas to him as his come splashes between them. Cas
hums and holds Dean all through it, supporting him just like he’s said he
would.


***** A matter of family *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes


The next morning Dean literally can’t think about anything else than Cas.
After having a later dinner and fucking snuggling on the couch, they had gone
to bed together in Cas’ bigger and better bed. They should probably have taken
time to talk and shit but Cas seemed okay with postponing it and Dean didn’t
want to do it at all. Everything is good now and talking tends to fuck things
up for him.
Cas slept with his arm around Dean’s waist. Dean hadn’t slept a wink but had
instead been lying there with his mind full of CasCasCas. It isn’t normal, Dean
understands that, but thinking about the man makes him happy.
He had turned off the alarm before it could wake the older man and when Dean
had tried to roll out of bed Cas had made unhappy snuffling sounds and tried to
keep him close. It was so cute Dean’s still smiling as he’s walking to the bus.
Man, that night had probably been the first night in over twenty years that
Dean hadn’t slept bad, had nightmares, or been kept up by disturbing thoughts
or memories. Not even the drugs had made him feel this calm and maybe that
should be a warning sign too but Dean isn’t very good at signs so he ignores
the feeling.
As he stands waiting for the bus he starts getting more and more restless,
though. Cas has a day off but Dean has to spend the majority of it at Checkers
and they just figured some shit out. Dean doesn’t want to be separated from Cas
right now.
He’s practically bouncing by the time the bus is scheduled to arrive and the
other people who stands waiting for the same bus has migrated to the other side
of the booth, some eyeing him warily. Dean’s teeth ache.
He watches the bus come and then he watches it leave. He can just take the
next, it’s fine. They run so close together at this hour even on weekends that
Dean won’t really be late.
He ends up just staring dumbly at the next bus too, though, and now he’s
cutting it a bit close. The bus driver says something to him but when Dean just
blinks slowly he calls Dean a "crackhead" and slams the doors in his face. But
he’s wrong, Dean isn’t on drugs anymore. He’s not even taking morphine anymore.
He’s got something else he needs.
He’s walking home before he even knows what he’s doing and that’s stupid. If he
catches the next bus he’ll only be about ten minutes late. He should call his
supervisor and tell him that. He probably won’t be mad anyway, he’s got a soft
spot for Dean. He could even let the pervert hump against his ass for a bit and
Dean’s sure everything will be forgiven.
He stops in his tracks with his phone to his ear, still ringing. Hell no. Dean
wants Cas and he wants to show the man that he can be just as untainted and
beautiful as Cas thinks he is and that does not include letting sweaty,
married, supervisors at Checkers Foods hump his ass. Dean can be better than
that, he just knows it.
Dean lies himself through an apology even as he keeps walking home, excusing
himself from work today because either he has a stomach flu or he ate something
bad because he’s got the trots. He even lies and tells his supervisor he was on
his way to work but shat himself on the bus because who the fuck would lie
about that? It makes the lie authentic in Dean’s head and it seems like it
works. His supervisor is not happy but really doesn’t want Dean at work either
for fear of catching whatever Dean’s spewing. He promises to call back tomorrow
if he still can’t make it and that’s great, now Dean’s got the whole day off.
Just needs to find something to say to Cas because he’s sure the older man
won’t be happy that Dean just decided to stay home. And hey, he’s really trying
to be a functioning part of society, okay? But let’s be realistic, everyone
lies about being sick once in a while, right? Right.
Cas is still in bed when Dean comes back, which is not very surprising since
it’s only little over an hour later. He snorts awake when the bed dips as Dean
sits down on it and he sits upright, clearly not used to someone entering his
bed while he’s still out.
Dean thinks about how Cas has never really been in a relationship before
because prior to meeting Dean he didn’t even think he wanted to have sex
without a marriage first. The thoughts make him depressed, though, because Cas
clearly made a shitty deal letting Dean do this to him so he shoves those
thoughts away for later. Today he just wants to be with Cas.
"Dean?" Cas has to clear his throat because it’s so rough from sleep. Dean
thinks it sounds wonderful. "What’s wrong? Didn’t the bus come? I can drive
you."
He’s clearly sleepy as hell and Dean smiles as he shuffles closer, pulling Cas
down on the bed again so he can snuggle in against Cas’ warm chest.
"Everything’s fine." He murmurs soothingly and traces circles on Cas’ stomach
with his fingers. He feels the muscles jump and smiles wider. "Turned out they
double-booked the shift today. They gave me and the guy a choice of who gets to
stay, they’re docking half my pay today but I still took the deal. I wanna be
with you."
Cas hums and hugs Dean closer. He probably shouldn’t have said that thing about
only loosing half his pay but it’s not like Cas checks Dean’s money so he won’t
know he lied. He just didn’t want Cas to think he was being stupid.
And the lies start. Dean hadn’t thought mind-dad would come back so soon. He
had been quiet all evening yesterday and all through the night.
"I’m glad you’re home." Cas mumbles and Dean kisses him despite the morning
breath. Actually, that makes it feel more domestic because real couples don’t
care about shit like that, right? Dean can’t wait until they become the kind of
couple that can pee in front of each other.
"You wanna do something today?"
Dean has to say this because he really, really wants to spend the day in bed
teaching Cas everything about sexual pleasure and why Cas won’t need anyone
else other than Dean but he doesn’t think that’s how couples work. Dean has no
frame of reference but he wants to be normal for Cas.
"Do you have something in mind?"
Dean slings a leg over one of Cas’ and almost leers at him but no, he needs to
behave. Cas was just made a non-virgin and Dean should go easy on the man. So
what do couples do?
"I wanna get to know you." He mumbles against Cas’ chest. "Like really know
you. What’s something we can do that’ll prove we can make it as a couple?"
Cas thinks for a while, his hand rubbing slowly over Dean’s arm. Dean rubs his
face against Cas’ chest and draws in as much of his scent as he can. He feels
high on life.
"There’s an IKEA in Merriam. It’s only about a 40 minute drive."
Dean bursts out laughing. He’s never been to an IKEA store before but he’s
heard tales of horror from other people and it sounds perfect.
"So what’s the deal?" he rises on one elbow to grin down at Cas. "We go in and
if we don’t want to kill each other by the time we go out we’re golden?"
Cas matches his grin, obviously having heard some horror tales of his own.
"That’s right."
Dean smacks his lips and pretends to think it over. "I have been thinking about
getting a bedside lamp. And I hear they have great meatballs. I’d love me some
fat balls."
Cas’ eyes darken and he lick his lips. "Yeah? Well then maybe you should…um…"
he trails off and starts laughing, covering his face with one of his big hands.
"What? I should what?" Dean can’t help but chuckle along with him.
"I can’t Dean, I just…" he removes his hand to look at Dean with glinting eyes.
"I’m not good at dirty talk."
This makes Dean laugh louder and he rolls over to cover Cas’ body with his.
"Just another thing to practice on, angel."
They kiss lovingly, then deeper, then sloppier. Then they both get hard and
have to take care of that before going to IKEA but Dean doesn’t mind. Cas’
fingers are long and slender and when he grabs both his and Dean’s dick
together it feels amazing.
Dean surprises Cas by coming first and Cas surprises Dean by licking his
fingers clean.




Their trip to IKEA turns out to be the best one Castiel has ever made to the
store and the fact that he’s spent it with Dean makes him stupidly happy. He
should be the careful one, the voice of reason, the one who cautions about
everything about their relationship that can go wrong and that they should be
careful about. But he isn’t and he doesn’t.
He just feels…happy with Dean, in a way he’s never really felt before and
Castiel starts wondering half-way through IKEA if he ever really lived before
Dean. A nagging, mean voice at the back of his head tells him it’s just because
he sees Dean like a wounded animal that he can nurse back to health but Castiel
ignores that voice because he recognizes it as the age-old fear of being
different and that’s just silly.
Castiel has always known he’s been a bit different from others, Mother is
especially fond of pointing this out, but Castiel has never really found a
problem with it. And this kind of different, being in a gay relationship and
having unmarried sex, doesn’t actually feel all that different. Lots of people
do it and they’re all fine.
His mood gets even better when he gets a text from Gabriel asking about a lunch
date considering what they talked about yesterday and how Castiel had been
feeling when Gabriel left. Castiel can’t believe that was only yesterday and
happily replies with a decline since he and Dean are at IKEA picking out new
linings for the bed. That’s not entirely true; Castiel hasn’t asked Dean to
give up his old bed yet, but the messages gets across.
And judging by Gabriel’s enthusiastic answer, Castiel does have a right to be
happy about this. So what if the road ahead of them will be bumpy? He’s sure
Dean will find a way to make it enjoyable all the same.
They spend entirely too long looking at couches, especially since they don’t
really need one. Dean falls in love with a weird ornate vase that seems to
serve no particular purpose and he alternates between making heart-eyes and
bedroom-eyes at Castiel after Castiel has put it in their cart.
Castiel contemplates changing his office chair for something better now that
he’s starting to realize he’ll probably get his office back soon and Dean picks
out too many kitchen accessories and has to choose between a new set of fancy
pots and a cooking book. He settles on the book and Castiel is secretly happy
because he saw a recipe on Bouillabaisse in it and he would like Dean to try
and make it sometime.
The line to the food is a bit long for Castiel’s liking but Dean makes up for
it by being impressed with the low prices. He elbows Castiel in the side when
they’ve been in line for about ten minutes and snorts out a laugh as he points
up at a big sign showing a huge cinnamon bun, boasting a price of only $1. It’s
not the price that has Dean snickering, though, but the little text under the
bun stating that the picture is, in fact, not the actual size of the bun you’ll
be buying. Well, duh.
Castiel starts chuckling when he sees and that makes Dean laugh even more and
they giggle-snort their way through the rest of the line, much to the other
people’s chagrin but Castiel couldn’t care less. Dean looks amazing when he
laughs.
After they’ve paid and are finished for the day they stop for a spectacularly
bad ice cream cone and Dean ends up eating Castiel’s too. He also tries to
convince Cas to have a quickie in the bathroom but is less successful about
that. Castiel has found that their day spent together has increased his
attraction to Dean and he wishes very much to take Dean up on his offer but
he’s not inclined to do it in a toilet.
Dean seems to get the difference, though, and spends the 40 minute drive home
edging his hand closer and closer to Castiel’s increasingly interested penis.
By the time they get home he’s sweaty and as hard as his restricting jeans
allow him to be and he fears he’s going to come the second Dean touches him.
"C’mon, angel." Dean breathes against Castiel’s ear when Castiel has finally
managed to park in his designated parking space beside the apartment complex
they live in. "I think we passed the IKEA-test with flying colors, let me give
you a price, hm?"
"Dean, I…" he pauses to take a shuddering breath. Is it always like this for
virgins? Maybe he waited too long. Or maybe Dean is just that enticing.
"Lemme suck you while you prep me."
Oh, Dean is absolutely too good at riling Castiel up.
"I’ll come too soon." He croaks and to his humiliation Dean nods.
"‘S fine, Cas."
"No it’s not." He turns to kiss Dean, much softer than he had intended. "I want
to fuck you, Dean."
Dean moans and presses closer. "So fucking hot when you swear, angel."
Castiel traces his hands down Dean’s arms. "I want to do good by you."
Dean nods. "Let’s get inside."
That’s not really an answer to Castiel’s pressing problem but he nods anyway.
They peel away from each other and Castiel carries the only bag they got from
IKEA. It’s a little overstuffed but it’s okay. Well inside he just puts it down
and Dean rounds on him with hungry eyes.
He backs Castiel up against the front door and then immediately slinks to his
knees.
"Dean." Castiel breathes and puts a hand on Dean’s head but is neither pushing
nor pulling. Dean works swiftly at his jeans.
"Prepping takes time." Dean murmurs and soothes his hands up Castiel’s thighs
after he’s pulled down the jeans a bit. "Especially if you’re new to it. You’ll
get it up again."
Castiel won’t be able to make such promises but with Dean he just might. He’s
never tried to get hard again after he’s come but with Dean he feels as if he’s
constantly a bit aroused. He just nods dumbly because his brain is practically
shutting off the longer Dean sits on the floor in front of him like this.
Dean grins and leans in to sniff along his length, mouthing at it until it
arches out of Castiel’s underwear and he groans deeply, letting his head thud
back against the door. He’s been half-hard since Kansas City and the pleasure
now that Dean is finally touching him is almost too much.
Dean flattens his tongue and laps at Castiel’s sensitive head and he bites his
lower lip to keep from screaming but Dean makes a negative sound so he looks
down instead, seeing the man glaring at him.
"I know you like biting, Cas." Dean murmurs in a voice clearly made for sex.
"But you’re saving those pearly whites for me. Don’t keep your sounds in."
Castiel lets out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding in and he nods
slowly as he watches Dean pick him out of his boxer-briefs. He’s hard and heavy
and the pressure is almost too much but Dean makes everything better.
He squeezes once and then goes in to swallow Castiel as far down as he can.
Castiel’s knees shake and he moans much too loudly. He doesn’t have time to be
embarrassed by his own sounds, though, because Dean starts bobbing his head
almost immediately.
Dean’s mouth feels divine. Wet, and warm, and so skillful. Castiel combs his
fingers through the slightly longer hair on top of Dean’s head. He can’t help
how his hips start pumping minutely but Dean doesn’t seem to mind. He just
moans and relaxes his whole throat and mouth and the moment Castiel realizes
that Dean wants him to fuck his face is the moment he comes.
He snags his hand in Dean’s hair and grunts like a caveman as he releases deep
down Dean’s throat. Dean makes a strangled moan and when Castiel looks down he
can see that Dean’s closed his eyes and has a blissful look on his beautiful
face.
A little ejaculate dribbles down his chin when Castiel pulls back, just like
last time Dean sucked him off. This time, however, Castiel sits on his knees in
front of Dean and licks it off, pushing his tongue inside Dean’s mouth and
chases his on flavor. He doesn’t particularly care for it but the act feels
intimate enough that his arousal doesn’t abate and Dean moans happily at the
attention.
"You’re too good at that." He growls and Dean spreads his legs at the sound.
"Bedroom, please?"
As if Castiel could ever say no to Dean.
He hauls Dean to his feet and then proceeds with coaxing the man to jump up
into his arms. Dean does so with a wide grin and as soon as he has his legs
wrapped around Castiel’s hips and Castiel’s hands on his rump, Dean starts
kissing him. Castiel kisses back as good as he can while carrying Dean and he
relishes the feeling of Dean’s erection pressed between them.
He has to walk incredibly slowly considering he’s both carrying Dean and got
his own jeans down on his thighs but they make it without incident and Castiel
takes a moment to admire the sight of Dean stretched out on his bed.
"How’re ya feelin’?" Dean murmurs and drags his hands down his own body. The
sight is probably more sensual to Castiel than it really is and he licks his
lips at the sight.
"Like a million bucks." He mumbles in answer and doesn’t really know what he
just said. Dean just grins at him and Castiel walks over to the nightstand
where they left the lube last night. "Take off your clothes."
Dean rolls out of his clothes in a way much more graceful than Castiel would
have thought a person lying down would be able of. He palms his penis at the
sight and yes, there’s definitely still arousal there and none of that familiar
fatigue that usually follows his orgasms.
Castiel undresses slower and enjoys watching Dean squirm on the bed. He’s not
touching his penis even though he’s fully hard, the head red and wet from the
precome he’s leaking. He is touching the rest of his body, though.
His chest, his nipples, his thighs and good Lord those thighs draw Castiel’s
attention. He hasn’t forgotten what Dean said last night. The part about biting
him somewhere else than just his neck. Castiel wants that very much and so
that’s where he goes first.
As soon as he’s fully naked he takes the tube of lube and tosses it onto the
bed. It bounces and lands against Dean’s flank but he doesn’t seem to care.
He’s watching Castiel with hooded eyes as Castiel makes his way to the foot of
the bed only to crawl on there and settle between Dean’s legs.
He spreads them easily for Castiel and Castiel tries his hardest not to picture
Dean doing this for someone else. Dean admitted just last night that his own
father had been sexually abusing him and Castiel shouldn’t do this to him right
now. He should get Dean an appointment with a therapist, or at least maybe Dr.
Robert. He should stop caring about his job and just tell the good doctor that
Dean has been living with him until now and that he needs help only a
professional can give him.
But as Castiel all but faceplants against Dean’s scrotum his mind blanks out
and he can think about nothing else but pleasuring this wonderful creature. He
doesn’t deserve Dean but Dean has chosen him and Castiel doesn’t want to mess
this up again.
He starts out reverently licking and kissing Dean’s inner thighs but the sounds
the man makes and the taste of him almost drive Castiel insane and he ends up
nipping harder and harder before he even knows what he’s doing. His penis is
definitely responding favorably to the feeling of Dean’s sensitive skin between
his teeth and Castiel only catches himself in the last second before he breaks
the skin.
He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want blood and he doesn’t want to really hurt
Dean.
Looking down at the man he can already see all the marks he’s left, some
straight across the snake tattoo on Dean’s thigh, and he looks up to apologize
but Dean’s eyes are unfocused and one of his hands is wrapped around his penis.
He’s not pumping it but rather looks like he’s trying to hold back.
"Dean." He breathes against the crease in Dean’s hip, lips brushing the snake’s
head. Dean keens and bucks up slightly. "You need to tell me when I hurt you. I
don’t want that."
"I like it." Dean moans but Castiel shakes his head.
"Don’t just let me do things."
"Don’t you get it?" Dean sits up on his elbows and grins down at Castiel. "I
get off on you getting off."
Castiel blushes because that can’t really be a thing, can it? Maybe with other
people but not with him. Dean is experienced, why would he like Castiel’s
clumsy attempts at love-making?
"Am I…?" he takes a steadying breath and sits back a little. Dean’s penis bobs
but neither man look at it. "Am I a notch in your bedpost?"
Dean blinks once. "Because of the virgin thing?"
Castiel can’t stop blushing. "I suppose."
"Angel." Dean soothes and lies back down, grabs the lube to hold it out for
Castiel to take. "I didn’t know that when I first fell in—when I first started
wanting you."
It’s a good save, but not so good that Castiel doesn’t catch it. Fell in love,
can it be true? Castiel’s blush starts feeling much better and he nods
solemnly. It also feels good to get the question out of the way. This weekend
has passed too fast, too many changes in one go and Castiel is a creature of
habit so he’s slow to adjust. But he will and he’ll love to make the effort.
He pops the lid on the tube and smiles at how the sound makes Dean’s back arch.
"I think I get the gist of what I need to do but tell me anyway." He asks more
because he wants Dean to tell him in that breathy voice of his.
Wants to hear all the filthy words and wants to learn how to talk like that
because he suspects Dean likes to hear dirty talk. Also, he definitely likes it
too. He’s still barely half-hard but he’s definitely getting there and it most
certainly gets easier when Dean rolls around with a whiny moan.
"Like this?" he asks in a low rumble as he palms Dean’s soft bottom. He wants
to bite those ass cheeks and he will, soon.
"Yeah." Dean says huskily as he grabs Castiel’s pillow and pushes his face
against it. "I-I like to do it face to, um, face but the prep is easier like
this."
Castiel has already decided that he likes facing Dean because that means he’s
still got the option of kissing the man but this is good too. Dean looks very
good from behind. The myriad of scars that litter his back shine white in the
poor lightning and Castiel should hate them for the pain they have caused Dean
but he loves them because they are a part of Dean’s life story.
"I’ll probably use too much lube." He says as a warning and doesn’t give Dean
time to tell him the right amount before he pours a lot directly on Dean’s
hole.
Dean moans and doesn’t seem to care about the amount, which Castiel is happy
about. He never wants to hurt Dean and he knows he’s big, anything he can do to
mitigate the pain is good. He smears out the lube and some dribble down Dean’s
left thigh but Castiel catches it and rubs Dean’s taut testicles with it.
"Fuck yeah, angel." Dean groans and wriggles, actually wriggles, his ass. "Get
me good and wet. Start with one finger, huh?"
Castiel hums in understanding and gently presses one finger against Dean’s hole
and by God, it completely sucks him in. He manages a breathy little "oh" and
then he’s pulling back out only to press in again. Dean feels wonderful inside.
So hot and so tight. So perfect.
"One more, c’mon Cas."
"I want to take it slow." Castiel answers in a voice almost strangled by desire
but he obeys anyway, pushing two fingers inside now and oh, now he can reach
even further.
"That’s the stuff." Dean moans. He’s thrusting back on Castiel’s fingers and
he’s gripped the pillow so tight his knuckles are white. Castiel likes to think
that it’s because he’s holding back from jerking himself to completion.
"Deeper, almost—fuck!"
He bucks back almost violently and then melts down on the bed with a groan so
deep and long it almost sounds painful. But Castiel isn’t questioning anything
because he can feel that little spot inside Dean and he knows what it is. He
rubs Dean’s prostate for a while, relishing the increasingly desperate sounds
Dean make.
Throwing his head back, Castiel concentrates on the feeling of Dean around his
fingers, Dean’s sounds, and on stroking his own penis to full erection. He’s
never been hard again this fast before but he thinks it’s no wonder with the
miracle of a man that lies in a shuddering mess before him.
"Cas, more." Dean moans and really draws on the 'e'.
Of course Castiel obeys yet again and soon he’s all but fucking Dean on four
fingers. Dean is pushing back and almost wailing and Castiel can’t take much
more.
"Tell me you’re ready, please Dean." He groans brokenly and bends down to
scrape his teeth against the plump part of Dean’s round ass cheek. "I need to
be inside you again, please let me pleasure you like you deserve."
Dean’s answer is almost more hiccup than words but he’s nodding too and that’s
good enough for Castiel. He pulls out carefully and Dean rolls to his back so
fast he almost ends up rolling off the bed but Castiel catches him.
"Like this." Dean moans and makes grabby hands against Castiel’s chest. "Wanna
kiss."
God yes, Castiel wants that too.
He aligns himself and has to look to get it right, bumps and misses once, the
head of his penis grinding against Dean’s testicles, but then he’s right on the
money and he goes in so easy. Well, not easy per se, but definitely easier than
it should be. Castiel knows he’s big and Dean’s hole is so tiny in comparison
but the man just opens up and swallows Castiel whole.
It’s beautiful and Castiel can’t look away, even when he’s fully sheathed. Dean
has him all inside and Castiel’s tight testicles are rubbing against Dean’s
warm body. This…this makes Castiel feel complete. Dean makes Castiel feel
complete.
He can’t believe he almost missed out on this because he didn’t think he would
be able to have sex with a man. Can’t believe he almost missed this because he
thought he needed to marry first. He still believes marriage is a sacred bond
and he wants it, dear Lord does he want it with Dean, but he understands now
that it’s not really needed. And to be honest, yes his penis feels incredible
but there’s also this feeling in his chest that feels even better. Castiel
thinks he knows what it is but he doesn’t want to say and risk jinxing it.
He looks up at Dean to tell him how good he feels now, though, but the words
get stuck in his throat when he sees how blissed out Dean looks. His mouth
hangs open and his eyes are staring down his body at Castiel’s own face and
when their eyes meet Dean gives him a soft smile that tells Castiel he must be
feeling that thing expanding in his chest as well.
Castiel gathers Dean’s legs around his hips and then tilts forward to kiss the
man. The motion jostles his penis and both men groan before their mouths meet.
The kiss turns dirty real fast and before Castiel is even conscious of it he’s
thrusting into Dean’s pliant body.
Dean is grabbing at Castiel’s shoulders and back and Castiel can’t stop rolling
into Dean. The heat and tightness alone is almost enough to do him in and he
loves how Dean’s penis keeps rubbing against his stomach, smearing precome all
over him.
Dean is making the most delicious of sounds and Castiel can’t stop panting even
though he really wants to start kissing Dean again. It’s fruitless, though, and
instead he buries his head against the man’s neck, mouthing at his sweaty skin
with no real intent.
It feels like there’s a fire in his body and it’s emanating from his groin. He
can’t get enough of the feeling and keeps chasing it by pounding harder and
harder into Dean’s warm body. Dean throws his head back and screams when
Castiel nails his prostate and Castiel hopes the neighbors hear because Dean
sounds beautiful.
"Cas, ‘m so close. Fuck, so…so…I—" he cuts himself off with a moan and Castiel
really wants to help Dean out by stroking his flushed penis but he’s afraid of
losing his balance and honesty can’t really do two things at a time right now.
His brain is a slobby mess of lust and he can only focus on his erection and
Dean’s hole.
"Dean." He groans and presses in close. He wants to do well but at this point
he can’t think straight enough to worry about his technique. "You feel so
good."
"Yeah, big boy?" Lord, Dean’s voice should be bottled and sold as sexual aid,
better than any Viagra. All Castiel knows is that it’s pushing him closer to
the edge. "Ya gonna come in me? Fill me up?"
He shouldn’t. They should have worn a condom but they hadn’t done it any of the
times and Dean has already taken too much of Castiel’s ejaculate for it to
matter this time. It’s okay, though, they’re clean. Well, Castiel knows he’s
clean and he hopes Dean hasn’t had time to catch anything between his tests at
the rehab center and now.
This is actually something that should concern Castiel, he reflects at the back
of his mind, but it doesn’t. Not right now at least and while that is dangerous
it also adds to his arousal. Dean is just too good, his mere presence is making
Castiel’s mind foggy. And yes, that should make him reconsider every choice and
decision he’s made regarding anything Dean-related but it doesn’t.
All it does is push him even closer to the edge and he’s suddenly desperate to
get Dean there first. In a daring move he pushes to sit back on his knees so he
can free one hand to actually put it on Dean and the moment he wraps his
fingers around Dean’s penis it erupts.
Dean’s back arches so sharply Castiel probably would have slipped out if his
own penis was shorter and he manages a strangled sob as he sprays both himself
and Castiel with his white-hot ejaculate. The sight is beautiful and Castiel
can do nothing but gape and do his best to work Dean through his orgasm.
It’s not until Dean shudders a last time and then relaxes that Castiel realizes
how precariously he’s balancing on the edge. He lets go of Dean’s spent penis
and places both hands on the man’s slim hips, grips him tight and pounds into
him a handful of times before he groans out his own release.
Dean coos and catches Castiel when he slumps forward. He loves the feeling of
staying inside Dean and this time it feels so much better than last, when it
had been laced with humiliation and later desperate sadness. This time Dean
cuddles him and kisses Castiel’s face when Castiel is too dazed to kiss him
back properly.
"Two…" he clears his throat. "I think I might be too old for two times in a
row."
Dean chuckles and his hole clenches with it, making Castiel wince as his overly
sensitive penis is squeezed. He slips out with only a little remorse and then
shifts around until he’s comfortable mostly on top of Dean again. Dean lets him
and hugs him tightly when he’s done.
"I think you did well, old man." Dean grins and Castiel swats lazily at his
arm.
They lie there for long moments and Castiel knows it probably should be gross
with their sweat and Dean’s ejaculate smearing their bodies but it’s really
not. Besides, it’s not something that can’t be washed off in the shower later.
"I can’t believe I almost missed out on this." He mumbles after a while,
reflecting on his own earlier thoughts out loud.
Dean snorts like he’s just waking up and Castiel rolls to the side with a smile
when he realizes Dean had been comfortable enough to fall asleep. They unstick
with an uncomfortable pulling feeling but neither say anything about that. Dean
just blinks sleepily at him.
"What do you mean? Are you talking about that waiting thing?"
Castiel can’t stop touching Dean and Dean rolls closer, sniffs Castiel’s
throat.
"Yes. I was so sure I was doing the right thing. My family, they…" he sighs
when he thinks about his conservative Mother. This is going to be a pain in the
ass to break to her and she’ll probably disown him even worse than she did
Gabriel.
Dean hums thoughtfully. "Gabe told me a bit. They’re all pretty religious?"
Castiel snorts. Typical Gabriel to go blabbing like that. "They are. You know
my eldest brother is a priest and Mother is very proud of him."
"What about you? And your siblings?"
Castiel soothes his hands down Dean’s back, more to calm himself. He doesn’t
like talking about his family.
"My sister and youngest brother are married. Gabriel is the black sheep and I
guess I’m the rebel. Mother doesn’t like me working at the rehab center because
she thinks the patients are unclean." Dean stiffens a little and Castiel wishes
he hadn’t said that. "Gabriel thinks she doesn’t like me working there because
it reminds her of Father and his missionary work that he never came back from
and I think that’s true."
Dean has his face buried against Castiel’s throat but Castiel doesn’t have to
see him to know he’s frowning.
"Guess they wouldn’t like me very much, then."
"Dean." Castiel says and aims for casual amusement but is probably only
partially successful. "There’s really no pleasing Mother and Michael. I’ve
found that it’s always better to just do what makes me happy instead of trying
to figure out what they want. Gabriel already likes you and I’m sure Inias and
Anna will feel the same once they get to know you."
"Would you introduce them to me?"
"I would."
"And…and if they didn’t like me?"
It’s very clear what Dean’s asking about but Castiel isn’t scared of the
question or his answer. He’s already had this debate with himself and he, like
Gabriel, has always preferred to walk his own path. Sure, he loves his family
and he would love for them to embrace Dean but to be honest he doesn’t really
see that happening and he won’t risk Dean’s happiness to try any time soon.
"Then I will send them postcards during the holidays and spend the actual
holidays with you and Sam in California. Depending on our food budget I might
invite Gabriel but we’ll see about that, he eats a lot."
Dean smiles at that, Castiel can feel it against his throat.
"You’d really give up your family?"
"Dean." He sighs and kisses the man’s head. "I chose you. If my family won’t
respect my choice then I will take the high road and respect their decision but
I will not abuse our relationship by trying to appease my family. I chose you."
Dean’s breath is suddenly a little wheezy thing at the back of his throat and
Castiel has been around enough crying people to know that the young man is
trying not to cry right now. Castiel decides to hope it’s happy tears and hugs
Dean closer.
To his relief Dean hugs him back, almost unbearably tight.


Chapter End Notes
     And so with this chapter I passed the 1 million mark on words posted
     here on AO3! I dunno why that’s important (because we all know that
     quality is better than quantity) but I’m still happy so thank you for
     sharing these good times with me:D
     Anyway, as a head’s up, the next chapter will be the last chapter. I
     would like to remind you about the "Not a fix-it" tag that this fic
     has and I will probably have to include a trigger warning of some
     sort because parts of next chapter is going to be rough. Destiel ftw,
     though! <3
***** Choices and decisions *****
Chapter Notes
     Trigger warnings: Suicidal thoughts, implied/referenced suicide
     attempt
See the end of the chapter for more notes


The following week is a downward spiral for Dean.
Oh he wants to be happy and he is, kind of, but he can’t stop thinking about
what Cas had told him. How he would give up his family if they didn’t approve
of Dean. On the one hand he wholeheartedly believes the man and hates that
option because family is important. And on the other hand he can’t really
believe it and knows how sad he’ll get when Cas eventually tires of him and
throws him away like everyone else has.
Come to think of it, the only one who didn’t push Dean away like he was a used
rag was dad. No, that fucker stuck around until he actually croaked and Dean
doesn’t know why that makes him happy but knows he’s fucked in the head for
thinking like that. At least dad wanted him until the end.
And maybe Cas will too? Maybe Cas really will give up his family and it won’t
be a big deal for him? He doesn’t seem to particularly like all of them anyway.
Fooling yourself, princess. Mind-dad mocks in a tone Dean is pretty sure dad
never used. In fact, the more he thinks about it he kind of thinks mind-dad
doesn’t really sound like dad anymore. But who else could it be?
You. I could be you.
Dean and dad does have kind of the same voice. Maybe this is the version of him
that didn’t turn out to be a sniveling drug addict. Maybe this is what he would
have sounded like if he had grown up strong and become a serial killer by
starting with dad’s murder?
Dean slaps himself on the head when those kinds of thoughts start entering his
mind. However much he hated dad he’d rather have him in his head than some kind
of weird parallel version of himself. That nausea that plagued him as he first
started living with Cas comes back and he does his best to hide it because he
doesn’t want Cas to find out and start asking questions.
Dean doesn’t even know what it’s about. He’s not using drugs and those pain
meds ran out a long time ago and like he promised himself he quit them cold
turkey. Maybe it’s mind-dad making him feel weird?
Mind-you. You’re your own worst demon Dean. Deanmon.
Dean shakes his head at that and hits himself some more but it doesn’t really
help.

Time spent with Cas is comparably much easier. When he’s with Cas Dean feels
happier, like maybe he can work his shit out. Or at least work past it. Mind-
dad is quieter and Dean doesn’t feel as nauseous.
Cas likes to touch a lot and Dean loves that. It doesn’t always lead to sex,
which confuses Dean. Mind-dad says it’s because Cas regrets giving up his
virginity to Dean. Cas says it’s because everything doesn’t always have to be
about sex but sometimes it’s just about intimacy in the form of comfort. Dean
chooses to believe Cas but sometimes it’s a struggle.
Mostly their lives don’t change all that much except that when they meet again
after having being parted for even the slightest of moments they will greet
each other with a kiss. Mostly it’s soft and only a promise of more to come but
it makes Cas smile so happily that Dean is more than glad to indulge.
Maybe it’s a relationship thing?
On the Thursday after the weekend when they got together Dean calls Sammy while
Cas is at work. He’s feeling shitty about most things but he just received a
couple of texts from Gabe that made him feel weirder.
[Gabe 3:52 p.m.] I know Cassie told me to wait but I just had to say that I
know about you two and…
[Gabe 3:52 p.m.] And fuck yeah, Deano! Cassie is an oddball but I’m his brother
and I can tell he’s happy. You be good to him
At first when Dean gets these texts he’s ridiculously happy. Cas is happy with
him? And his big brother, the only brother Dean has met so far, likes their
relationship? What is there not to be happy about? He types out a quick reply,
confirming and thanking.
But the longer he stares at his phone the weirder he feels. "I know Cassie told
me to wait", wait for what?
So he ends up calling Sammy even though he’s still a little pissed at him for
his poor advice this Saturday. He’s forgiven him over text messages but in his
head he still replays Sammy’s arguments and wishes they weren’t so smart.
Mind-dad agrees with Sam, of course, but that’s nothing weird. Real-dad always
told Dean Sammy was much better than him and if mind-dad actually did turn out
to be Dean’s darker side then it makes even more sense because Dean thinks
Sammy’s the smartest person he’s ever met. Doesn’t mean he has to like it,
though.
"Hiya Dean, great timing. You caught me between classes."
Sammy sounds so carefree. Maybe it’s because he’s doing something he loves?
Dean wouldn’t know about that. Except he’s pretty sure he loves Cas and he’s
doing him, right? So technically…
"Do people in relationships kiss randomly? Without wanting something more, I
mean. Is that normal?"
Sammy is stumped for a moment, Dean can tell, and he spends that time nervously
watching the chicken breasts that are defrosting in the sink. Today he’ll make
chicken fajitas and he’ll eat it before Cas gets home because Cas’ shift ends
at ten but he’ll save enough so that the man has some he can take with him
tomorrow.
"It’s completely normal." Sam says after a while and while he sounds much
tenser Dean relaxes.
"Good, that’s good."
"Dean, are you in a relationship?"
"Well," Dean pokes at the chicken even though he probably shouldn’t. "I didn’t
call to brag, but…"
"Who is it with? Please tell me it’s with Cas?"
Dean frowns and doesn’t know what to feel. "Who else would it be…?"
Sammy fumbles through a bad apology and some kind of excuse but Dean sees right
through it and realizes that Sam was scared Dean had gone back to one of his
dealers. But that’s not the kind of relationship he’s talking about. He might
be dense and insecure when it comes to all this but he knows the fucking
difference between Cas’ touches and theirs.
"So how are things between you two?"
Sammy’s trying to distract him and it kind of works, a little.
"I think it’s great." Dean says and tacks on so much happiness that his voice
is almost shrill. "I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I
certainly don’t deserve someone like Cas but he seems to be okay with this."
"Okay with…?" Sam is probably frowning, it sounds like it. "Dean, doesn’t he
want a relationship with you?"
Dean feels hysterical all of a sudden. "I dunno, would you Sammy? I mean, I’m
after all only his former patient. Maybe he tired of being Florence
Whatshername?"
"Dean, I’m sure that’s not—"
"Why not, you said it. Right?" What happened? Dean just wanted a nice
conversation with his little brother. He’s functioning worse now than when he
was in rehab, hell he’s even worse than when he was on drugs. "Poor little
delusional Dean, thinking someone can love him. Maybe I’m not even gay, huh?
Maybe I’m delusional about that too, just because da—"
He stops dead in his tracks before he can say what’s on his mind because Sam
can never know dad fucked Dean’s innocence out of him but now that the thought
has entered his mind he can’t let it go.
"Dean? Dean!"
Dean jerks when he realizes Sammy’s been yelling for him to answer. "Y-yeah.
I’m fine, it’s fine. I’m sorry."
"It’s okay Dean, just tell me what’s going on."
Sammy sounds so painfully patient and fucking loving that Dean almost throws
up. Why the hell does Sammy put up with him?
"Nothing’s going on, little brother. I’m just… a bit insecure because I’ve
never been in a relationship before. A real one I mean. I gotta go, though.
Cas’ll be home soon."
Lies, all of it lies, and he hates lying to Sammy but he can’t talk with him
anymore because he’s freaking out and he doesn’t want to start crying with Sam
on the other end.
"Dean, wait—"
Dean doesn’t wait. He hangs up and then turns off his phone altogether. It
clatters against the surface of the kitchen counter but it’s okay because it’s
cheap enough to handle it. He leans his hands on the edge of the counter and
hangs his head between, trying to take deep breaths but it’s not really calming
him down. Whoever thought of this was a fucking moron.
Or maybe it’s the thoughts that keep him from calming down.
Yes, what if you’re not gay? What if you’re just what your daddy shaped you
into? Something for him to fuck, something with no mind of his own. Mind-dad
makes too good of an argument. And if you’re not actually gay, then what does
that make Cas? Oh, you corrupted this poor devout man, Dean. You’re going to
Hell.
Dean doesn’t even believe in hell but he’s still scared.
How the fuck could he think that he could build a relationship with Cas? He’s
just a filthy drug-whore and now he’s condemned Cas’ eternal soul and turned
his whole family against him. Why does Dean break everything he touches?

Everything really falls apart after that.
He can’t face Cas so he writes him a text telling him that he thinks he ate
some bad chicken because he’s got a stomach ache and is going to bed early. He
spends the night in his old room and hates it because he should at least have
gone to bed in Cas’ room.
Cas hasn’t said anything about it but he’s indicated pretty strongly that he
wants Dean to sleep with him and even if Dean can still salvage this by saying
he didn’t want to keep Cas up the whole night with his visits to the toilet
Dean still thinks Cas will see right through it.
He doesn’t get a chance to find out, though, because he has to get up early on
Friday to go to work and Cas is still asleep. Dean doesn’t want to leave and
he’s in a weird mood the whole morning. He’s shaking and keeps dropping things.
His coworkers ask if he’s feeling alright and he lies and says he does but in
reality all he can think about is how his merest presence is fucking up Cas’
life.
He loses his job that afternoon because he punched his supervisor. "Violent",
he’s called, and he’s led out by two of his coworkers. No one really believes
Dean can be violent like that, though, and both his coworkers try to ask him
what happened but Dean doesn’t really want to tell them how he got fed up with
his supervisor’s disgusting humping. He’s trying to be nice for Cas even though
he knows he can’t and it’s not helping when he’s getting felt up at work.
Shouldn’t have punched him, though.
Cas has already gone to work when Dean comes home and he doesn’t know what to
do with himself for the rest of the day. He keeps pacing in the living room but
can’t calm down enough that he can sit down. Doesn’t want to sit down anyhow
because that would sully Cas’ nice furniture.
He calls Cas three hours later and he’s trembling all over. Honesty is the best
in a relationship, right? Dean wishes he has some friends to ask because he
doesn’t want to involve Sammy any more than necessary. He still hasn’t answered
any of his little brother’s texts from yesterday.
"Hello Dean." Cas answers in a pleasant tone so great, maybe he’s at least not
angry about Dean sleeping in the other room.
"Hi Cas. Yeah…"
"Is something wrong?"
Why does everyone assume that? Dean must be a terrible liar.
"No. Well, uh… I kinda got fired today." He squeezes his eyes shut, prepared
for Cas to yell like dad used to yell at him.
Tell him he’s useless, can’t even keep a stupidly easy job like this one. Now
what about his pathetic dreams of visiting Sam or going to cooking classes?
Dean can’t do anything right and he doesn’t need people telling him that but
he’s prepared for it nonetheless.
What he’s not prepared for is the concerned tone with which Cas speaks.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
"Uh, yeah…I…why wouldn’t I be okay?"
Because losing a job makes people sad, stupid. Mind-dad makes a good point,
he’s been doing that a lot lately, unfortunately.
Cas sighs but he doesn’t sound angry or fed up with Dean. "They can’t fire you
unless you did something wrong. Like really wrong."
"I punched my supervisor, does that count?" Dean is not trying to be snarky or
funny, he’s genuinely asking.
Cas hums. "That might have contributed some." Why doesn’t he sound mad, even
now? "Do you want to tell me why?"
Fucking hell, he’s giving you the benefit of the doubt. Preppy-ass boy scout.
Mind-dad sounds so mean but Dean thinks Cas is sweet. It makes his anxieties
back down a little.
"He, uh, he felt me up." Dean swallows with a click when Cas draws a sharp
breath. "I mean, he did it before too and I thought it was fine, you know? Was
probably only why he hired me, so he could hump me behind the dairy section."
He laughs as if it’s pretty funny even when it’s not. Cas doesn’t make a sound.
"But, um, I didn’t like it. Not with you and me tryin’ and all so I told him
not to but he kept at it and I guess…I guess I didn’t handle it well."
"He sexually molested you? You?" Cas hisses and oh boy, he sounds so
dangerously angry right now. It’s making Dean sweat and his knees tremble so
hard he has to sit down.
"Nah, I mean, it was just touchin’ and stuff…"
"Where are you now?"
Dean swallows again, probably more like gulping at this point. "In your
apartment."
He wants to say "our apartment" but doesn’t feel like he deserves it anymore.
Everything had been going so great and then…then Dean had to go and mess it up
with sex. He’s corrupted Cas into thinking he likes Dean, practically
gaslighted him, and now he’s lost his only source of income and Cas has no
fucking use for him. He’s not good for the man, he can see that now.
Dad shaped Dean into a cockslut but he won’t do the same to Cas.
He catches only the end tail of whatever Cas has been saying and it sounds
suspiciously like going to the police and Dean doesn’t want that. Don’t want no
fucking cops sniffing around. No, Dean could cost a lot of people their jobs at
Checkers if that happened. He doesn’t know how but he just know he’ll fuck up
even worse if the police gets involved.
"No, Cas, it’s okay." He rushes to say and it quiets Cas down but the silence
isn’t good. "I mean, it’s not like it’s the first time, right? It’s probably my
fault anyway, I got this way about me. Dad used to say it too…"
He trails off because shit, he hadn’t meant to say that last part. Fucking
fuck, Dean just wants to go back to this Sunday when they were at IKEA and
behaved like a normal couple. But they can’t and he knows it’s his fault. He’s
got this history of fucking everything up just as it starts getting good. He’s
known it for a while but hasn’t really seen it as clearly as he does now.
Because why did he start getting anxieties this time? Cas was good to him,
whatever they were building was tentative but good, and now Dean’s gone and
messed it up all on his own. Just took a big ass pen and started drawing
outside the lines and no one fucking forced him to. It was just him, only him.
Dean’s his own worst enemy.
Deanmon.
"Dean, there is nothing about you, nothing that you do, that would warrant such
behavior in other people." Cas says in a dangerously low voice. "You are
beautiful and intelligent. You are my perfectly imperfect boyfriend. Please let
me help you."
Boyfriend? Mind-dad snorts. Dean needs to get away.
Cas doesn’t understand but Dean will corrupt him even worse if he stays. Poison
his whole life until there is nothing left of the angel and there’s only this
broken shell of a man looking at the world with dead eyes. Dean can’t be the
reason the light flickers out of Cas’ vibrant eyes. Can’t be the reason for an
angel to fall from grace. Just can’t.
"Yeah, okay." He hears himself say, his voice robotic.
Cas breathes a sigh of relief anyway. "Good. Please wait for me, I will be home
shortly."
"But your job."
"You’re more important, Dean."
That’s just not true and Dean knows it but what scares him is that he thinks
Cas doesn’t know it. Cas might actually have fooled himself into thinking Dean
matters more than a job he’s been doing basically all his adult life. Dean
needs to get away fast.
"Okay."
This time when Cas speaks it’s clear to Dean that he knows something is wrong
with Dean’s stilted answers.
"Will you wait?"
Dean can’t live with Cas because he would destroy the man. On the other hand he
can’t live without Cas either. So the choice seems pretty simple to him.
"I will."
"I’ll make some phone calls and then I’ll call you right back, Dean. Don’t go
anywhere."
Dean hums and then hangs up. He looks around himself as if in a daze. He wants
to curl up in a bathtub but Cas only has a shower stall and he doesn’t want Cas
to find him anyhow. No, that would be horrible, he should spare Cas that at
least.
He moves fast through the apartment, going for his little cookie jar with the
money he saved for cooking class and a ticket to Cali. It’s not much but he
thinks it might be enough, if it’s not he’ll throw in some extra favors,
anything to get what he needs to do this.
Can’t live with Cas, can’t live without him. Simple choices. Best for everyone.
Being a little bitch again, I see. Dean agrees with mind-dad but still walks
out the door.




Castiel doesn’t believe for a second that Dean is fine or that he’s going to be
at the apartment when Castiel gets there. Dean’s mood has slowly been dwindling
over the week and Castiel doesn’t know why or how to really fix it since Dean
likes to pretend everything is fine when Castiel asks him about it but he knows
it’s something that needs fixing.
He had been planning on talking to Dean about therapy, or at least calling Dr.
Robert again at least once a week but now all those plans are shot to Hell.
What he wants right now is to just drop everything and go to Checkers Foods,
find Dean’s former supervisor and beat the living daylights out of him. It’s a
very uncharacteristic wish for him to make, though, and acknowledging the
feeling makes him calm down. He could call Gabriel and have him deal with the
man, though…
He also wants very much to call the police but Dean is a grown man and they
will want to talk to him too. Besides, Dean could still be charged with
aggravated assault, even though everyone probably will agree that the guy
deserved much more than a mere punch in the face. Castiel could find out if he
is married and then call his wife but that feels more like a Gabriel-approach
so he files the idea away for later.
Right now he just needs to get home to Dean but he doesn’t want Dean to be
alone for the time it will take him to tie things up here and to drive home. He
suspects that Dean won’t answer when he calls, though, so instead he calls Sam
to ask him to call Dean. It’s a bit underhanded, using the brother like that,
but the few times Castiel has spoken to Sam he’s found him very caring and
intelligent and Castiel thinks Dean needs that.
Sam picks up after only two rings and he doesn’t even let Castiel begin
talking.
"How’s Dean?"
Castiel cards his hand through his hair and shuts himself in the employee
bathroom in their breakroom.
"I take it you’ve spoken with him?"
"Yesterday." Sam grunts and Castiel hears so much of his brother in that tone.
"I want to say congratulations on the relationship but…I mean, I am happy for
the two of you if you’re doing what you want. I was so shitty to him when he
first told me he likes you and I regretted it very much." He sighs and
Castiel’s face softens when he hears how young Sam sounds. "Plus Jess kind of
beat me up over how I handled it too, so I’m sorry. I’m being supportive."
This makes Castiel feel very happy, but it’s not why he called.
"Have you told Dean this?"
"He’s so difficult to talk to."
"True." Castiel agrees calmly and sits down on the toilet lid. "But that
doesn’t mean we should stop trying."
"Is…is he okay?" Sam sounds very small and that’s not right either. He does his
best and Castiel doesn’t fault him for not knowing how to talk to his big
brother.
"He got fired today because he opposed his supervisor when the man sexually
molested Dean."
Straight to the point as always. Gabriel calls it Castiel’s best and worst
trait.
Sam draws a sharp breath. "What?! You tell me the fucker’s name right now,
Castiel."
"Sam—"
"I’m not kidding, I’ve got friends here and his job can’t fault Dean for
getting mad when some asshole feels him up. I will sue their asses."
Castiel smiles at the passion in Sam’s voice. The passion of a little brother
who loves his big brother very much.
"I would be glad if we managed that, Sam, but right now I would like for you to
keep Dean company while I get my things here at work." It’s very
counterproductive for them to keep talking right now. "He’s not feeling well,
even if he pretends that he does. I’m afraid he might try to harm himself."
"Over losing a job?" Sam sounds confused. "I didn’t think Dean would care that
much."
No, Castiel doesn’t think so either. Dean could always get another job, but the
molestation on the other hand…
A thought suddenly strikes Castiel and he sits up straighter. "Sam, how much do
you know about your dad and Dean?"
"What do you mean?" Sam sounds awfully confused. "That he hit him? Yeah, it’s
pretty hard not to notice a bruise the size of a grown man’s fist on the face
of a ten-year-old. What about it?" Sam sounds very guarded all of a sudden.
"Why are you bringing that up? Don’t you think I’ve felt bad enough about
that?"
"What?" Castiel frowns.
The Winchester brothers both wear their emotions on their sleeves and it’s
sometimes difficult for Castiel to keep up with the mood swings. It’s worse
with Dean because of the drugs and his paranoia but Sam can be difficult too.
Sam sighs. "I’m sorry. It’s a touchy subject. I was a kid and I didn’t know
what to do. Dean told me it was fine and I believed him for so long but even
when I realized it really wasn’t okay I still went to live at that boarding
school."
"You were a kid, Sam. There was not much you could have done."
Sam sounds very small all of a sudden. "I could’ve talked to someone. I felt so
bad I barely passed some of my classes that first semester. I didn’t tell Dean
why and he thought I was just homesick. He used to sing to me over the phone
and I…I did nothing while dad used Dean as a punching bag."
Castiel decides that Sam doesn’t need to know about the sexual abuse, not
unless Dean wants to tell him. It’s very clear that Sam is suffering enough and
that’s not right; he didn’t do anything wrong despite seeming to think so.
Self-blame seems to run in the Winchester family.
"Sam, Dean’s opposition to his supervisor’s unwanted touches involved him
punching the man. I believe he feels awful about it, most likely considering
his history with violence. Will you please call him?"
Sam draws a steadying breath. "Yeah, sure. You gonna get home soon, though? I
think he needs you more than me."
"I will hurry."
Despite his words, Castiel spends almost two full minutes just gathering
himself before he leaves the bathroom. He knows what he has to do but it
doesn’t make it any easier. Dean needs help, though, and Castiel can’t ignore
that any longer.
The fact that he’s been putting his job ahead of Dean’s welfare scares him and
makes his decision easier. He needs to confess to Dr. Robert and ask him to
please come home with him and talk to Dean. Dr. Robert is reasonable and he
seemed to bond with Dean enough that Dean might be able to open up and get the
help he needs. Yes, that seems to be the best choice, even if the doctor will
decide that he has to report Castiel’s actions to Dr. Adler. Dean is anyhow
more important than Castiel’s job.
When he eventually leaves the bathroom he’s disappointed to find that Dr.
Robert has gone home for the day but he doesn’t let that deter him. He’s got
the doctor’s home phone number in his phone and he’s on his way to dialing the
man when Sam’s caller ID flashes on the screen. With a frown he swipes to
answer and is met with a very upset Sam.
"Sam, what—?"
"Are you home yet?"
Castiel stops in the middle of the corridor, frown deepening at Sam’s quick
words.
"No, but I’m on my way."
"No, you need… shit." Sam takes a deep breath. Some colleagues pass Castiel but
he barely acknowledges them. "I talked to Dean, I think…I think he’s gonna kill
himself."
Castiel’s blood freezes to ice. That’s a very big conclusion to come to, Dean
had seemed upset but on the verge of killing himself? Castiel didn’t think Dean
would ever go that far, not intentionally and not now that he’s off the drugs.
"Why would you say that?"
"Because he kept going on about how he loves me and how everything will work
out. Dean doesn’t use the word ‘love’ a lot. It was a fucking textbook suicide
letter."
Castiel’s worries almost make him snap at Sam for assuming stereotypes from
movies apply to real life but he catches himself in the last second. He can’t
blame Sam for being scared when he feels scared enough to wet his pants
himself.
"I will get to him soon, don’t worry."
"I don’t think he’s at your apartment. It sounded like traffic in the
background."
"Then where?" his voice goes shrill enough that a patient walking by gets
startled and starts shuffling past faster. He can’t care about that now.
"I dunno, I…I guess somewhere with a bathtub."
"What?"
Sam starts talking hurriedly and Cas is walking towards the exit before he’s
even conscious about it. To Hell with his job.
"When he was little he used to hide from dad in bathtubs, it made him feel
safe. The day I came to Lawrence I thought I was picking up my dead brother but
he was obviously alive and we sent him to your rehab center instead. He was in
a bathtub then too."
"I don’t have a bathtub." Castiel presses out and has never regretted that
before now.
"I don’t think he would do anything at your place anyway. He loves you, Cas."
Castiel has to dig in his fingernails against his palm to keep from crying.
"What has bathtubs? Would he go to a friend?"
"I don’t…" Sam’s voice goes quiet. Castiel is nearly at the exit now. "I don’t
think he has any real friends. Most likely he’ll…" Sam makes a sudden noise.
"The Jayhawk Motel up on North 2nd street! We were going to stay there when we
came to Lawrence but Jess didn’t like the room so we switched to Motel 6 but
Jayhawk is cheap and it’s got bathtubs, Cas."
"I’m on it."
They hang up and Castiel is about an inch from the front doors when a hand on
his shoulder stops him. He’s yanked around and can’t wipe his frown away even
when he sees Dr. Adler’s smarmy smile.
"And where are you going, Castiel?"
Why in the Hell is he even still here? Dr. Adler usually leaves early on
Fridays.
"My friend is in danger, I need to leave."
Dr. Adler frowns in mock confusion. "And what about your patients? Your job?"
"I can handle Castiel’s share."
Castiel nearly jumps out of his skin when Bart materializes beside him. How
long has he been there? He might have heard Castiel’s side of that whole
conversation with Sam for all Castiel knew. He has not been paying attention to
his surroundings.
Dr. Adler frowns and considering how not surprised he looks by Bart’s presence
Castiel suspects both men has been close around him for some time. He feels
ashamed but he’s also in a hurry so he can’t be bothered to indulge in the
feeling.
"There you go, Dr. Adler."
"No, Castiel." Dr. Adler hisses. "That’s not how it works."
Bart puts himself between Castiel and Dr. Adler when Castiel opens his mouth to
practically smite the man.
"You heard enough of that phone call, certainly more than me with your sneaking
around. Castiel has a friend who needs him right now and there is no reason why
Castiel can’t leave early today. Just dock his pay. I got his duties until the
next shift comes."
Castiel has never felt such comradery from Bart before and he knows he owes the
man big and also knows he will never be able to thank him enough. Dr. Adler
looks like he wants to strangle the both of them.
"Strike one, Castiel." Dr. Adler warns sharply and turns away before anyone can
say anything else.
Bart snorts. "First strike in a decade, what are they gonna do. Fire you?"
"Thank you, Bart, I—"
Bart holds up a hand and Castiel quiets immediately. "Just go. I don’t
understand shit about what’s going on but I’ve never seen you scared before,
Cassie. Let me know if you need help, okay?"
Castiel swallows with a nod. He feels bad about how he’s always secretly kind
of thought he couldn’t trust Bart but he decides to deal with that later. Right
now he’s got to track down Dean and by God he hopes he’s not too late.




Lawrence might not be LA but it’s still pretty easy to get a hold of a gun,
illegally. Dean turns the gun over in his hands and thinks it’s a beauty. He
probably wouldn’t have afforded it if he didn't know the guy selling but
Benny’s always got a soft spot for Dean so there was no fuss. He probably
should have sucked the guy off for his troubles but Dean didn’t feel like it.
Mostly because thinking about Benny’s dick made Dean think about Cas’ dick and
that just depressed him.
He puts the gun on the bathtub’s edge and sinks down a bit in it, getting
comfortable. Mind-dad is finally quiet and Dean thanks the stars for that. It
took him beating his knuckles bloody against own head for that to happen but
the silence is welcome.
He doesn’t want to battle with mind-dad right now, just wants to lie here and
enjoy his first cigarette in over five years and think about the good times he
spent with Cas. The smoke curls around his face when he exhales in an uneven
stutter. He doesn’t cough, though, and calls that a win. It feels good when he
swallows some smoke and feels it claw its way down his throat.
Cas. He’s all Dean can think about. Cas, Cas, Cas. The first man to make Dean
feel like he could do something for himself, made Dean feel desirable and
valuable even when they weren’t fucking. Worthwhile. It feels stupid that Dean
needs a man to make him feel treasured when it was a man that fucked him up to
begin with. He really is dangerously codependent on Cas and he feels better now
that he’s realized this.
That’s why he’s in this tub, isn’t it? Cas is a wonderful man and he can still
have that wife and two kids with the white picket fence and Volvo that he
probably wants. His little indiscretion with Dean doesn’t have to count because
it was so short. Barely a week, Dean doesn’t think Cas’ good Lord in Heaven
will be that much of a douche that he would deny Cas the pearly gates if Dean
erases himself from the equation at this point.
It’s perfect really, one life for another. Dean feels good about this
conclusion.
He’s on his third cigarette in a row and starting to feel queasy because of it
when he hears keys rattle in the door. He frowns but can’t see the door from
this angle so he doesn’t do much else. He does think about what he could have
done to make the receptionist girl here at Jayhawk Motel come over, though.
Maybe there’s no smoking in the rooms and someone caught a whiff of it? He just
hopes no one saw the gun tucked into his waistline as he walked to his room.
The last thing he’s expecting is for Cas to burst into the tiny bathroom,
looking like the Devil himself chased him here. His face is white and his hair
is standing on end like he’s been pulling it. He’s sweaty and panting and the
moment his eyes fall on Dean he lets out a wounded sound and falls to the floor
beside the tub.
Dean’s so surprised he drops his cigarette and hisses when the hot tip touches
his chest. He brushes it off and stomps on it when it lands in the tub between
his legs.
"Cas, what the fuck?"
Cas’ head snaps up but he doesn’t looks angry, he looks so fucking sad that
Dean’s heart just about breaks.
"Dean." His voice trembles in a way it shouldn’t be allowed to because it’s not
fair. "Please don’t do this. I need you." He grabs the edge of the tub and sits
closer. Fuck he smells good all sweaty like this.
"I-I need to do this." Dean frowns at how he stammers because it makes him
sound hesitant and he’s not. He’s not. "How did you even find me? How did you
get a key?" Dean gets a wild image of Cas tearing the receptionist to shreds
and it’s kind of hot.
"I told the receptionist I was here to catch my boyfriend Dean Winchester in
the act of cheating on me and I asked if she would help me out."
Dean can’t help but smile at that. "Smart."
Cas sigh and glances at the gun. "Were you really going to shoot yourself?" he
winces when Dean nods slowly. "Why? What about…what about me?"
Cas being here is making it difficult for Dean to think of all the good reasons
he had for this. In fact, the longer he looks at Cas’ desperately sad face the
more he starts thinking that maybe all he needs is therapy. Maybe…maybe he can
be good enough for Cas?
Then again, his mood swings are dangerous enough and if he does stay he would
just keep putting Cas through all these episodes and he can’t bear to witness
what that will do to the man. Just looking at Cas right now is enough to
convince Dean that he’s not good for the man because this was one time and Cas
already looks haggard.
"I’m doing this for you." He whispers and that puts some spark back into Cas’
eyes. An angry spark but a spark nonetheless.
"For me?" he questions angrily and reaches out to swipe his thumb through the
almost dried blood that’s trickled out of the wound Dean caused himself when he
smacked his head against the wall. "This is for me? Did you do this to
yourself? Did you hurt yourself thinking it would make me happy? Do you…do you
really think I would be happy if you died, Dean?"
Dean makes a soft sound because no, when Cas says it like that he doesn’t think
that at all.
"But I’ll just fuck up your life, Cas." He mumbles and watches how Cas’ eyes go
wide in surprise. "Your family would shun you, you’d be stuck taking care of me
because I’m a fuck up who can’t even work a normal job. I can’t drag you down
into the mud with me."
"Dean." Cas hisses, suddenly angry again. "Let me make those choices for
myself. I’ve lived my whole life without you, in the ‘perfect’ world, and yet
I’ve never felt more alive than when I’m with you. I want to feel alive and if
you leave me, like this, you will kill me too. Do you want to kill me, Dean?"
"No!" he almost shouts and sits up closer to Cas. That’s the opposite of what
he wants. "I’ll do anything, please don’t die Cas."
Cas swallows and looks down at his hands for a brief moment. "Will you agree to
talk with Dr. Robert about whatever it is that troubles you?"
Therapy? Dean had just been thinking the same.
"I…yeah, okay."
Cas swallows and looks up, pinning Dean with his incredibly blue eyes. "And
will you allow me to work together with you to make us both happy? To make us
both feel alive."
Dean’s throat is too tight. "Yeah." He croaks. "Yeah, I’ll…when I feel like
this I’ll call you or Sam or-or Dr. Robert instead." Dean can do this for Cas.
He can.
Cas nods. "Good. And Dean?" he shuffles closer, sitting up on his knees to get
at eye-level with Dean. "Will you allow me to introduce you as my boyfriend, to
everyone I know?"
Dean doesn’t know what to say, he wants that more than anything.
"Cas." He whispers brokenly.
"Dean, please." It sounds like Cas’ throat is too tight as well. "I know we’re
unconventional, I know we have the odds against us but Dean." Cas takes a deep
breath. Dean can’t look away. "I need you. I feel like you’re my redemption, my
absolution. I don’t feel alive without you. People will have their doubts, they
will say we got together under bad circumstances; that perhaps it was the
circumstances that made us feel like this and maybe they’re right but why would
that make out feelings any less true? And…" Cas takes Dean’s hands in his,
brushing his thumbs over Dean’s bloodied knuckles. Dean feels like crying and
his breath hitches with the effort of holding it back. "And what if they’re
wrong?" Cas’ eyes are so earnest. "What do you say? Do you want to find out
who’s right in the end, find out together with me?"
Dean just stares at the man, almost unable to process what Cas is asking. Does
he really want to try things out with Dean? Does he really think that Dean
is…is worth the trouble, even after all this? Even if this happens again, Cas
is willing to save Dean from perdition over and over again?
Is he really asking if Dean would want to try it out with him?
Dean is crying for real now. "I do."
Cas’ smile is blinding and Dean shivers under its intensity but he cannot and
will not look away. He wants to be a good, strong man for Cas. Someone Cas can
look up to and be proud of.
"You are." Cas mumbles as he hug-hauls Dean out of the tub to kiss him deeply.
"I love you, Dean. I’m so proud of you."
And for the first time in over 20 years Dean believes those words.


Chapter End Notes
     Thank you all for reading! Phew, what a ride! I love you very much :
     D And especially thank you, CasDean55, for giving me the prompt, I
     hope I was able to do justice by your wonderful idea <3
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