Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12154107.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Remus_Lupin/Nymphadora_Tonks, Sirius_Black/Remus_Lupin, James_Potter/Lily
      Evans_Potter
  Character:
      Remus_Lupin, Sirius_Black, Nymphadora_Tonks, James_Potter, Lily_Evans
      Potter, Dorcas_Meadowes, Marlene_McKinnon, Harry_Potter, Hermione
      Granger, Ron_Weasley, Alastor_“Mad-Eye”_Moody, Peter_Pettigrew, Albus
      Dumbledore, Minerva_McGonagall, Regulus_Black
  Additional Tags:
      First_Time, First_Kiss, First_Love, Fluff_and_Smut, Angst_and_Fluff_and
      Smut, Angst, Angst_and_Hurt/Comfort, War, Marauders'_Era, Post-Marauders'
      Era, Alternate_Universe_-_Canon_Divergence, Alternate_Universe, Love,
      Falling_In_Love, Friendship/Love, Fluff, Public_Blow_Jobs, Blow_Jobs
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-09-21 Updated: 2018-03-26 Chapters: 10/? Words: 35331
****** The Wolfsbane Effect ******
by JLPierre
Summary
     Remus Lupin never expected to gain friends, yet he gains three that
     he'd die for. Remus Lupin never expected to be loved beyond anything,
     but it happens twice. When Sirius Black passes through the Veil,
     ending a rollercoaster of a relationship that Remus thought was for
     life, he notices another person who could be his everything.
     Wolfstar/Remadora main pairings. End Pairing Mystery.
Notes
     A huge thank you to LeanaM for beta'ing and dealing with my anxious
     bouts of should I post, shouldn't I post. Thank you to Jade Presley,
     DragonsandOtters, TheWaterFalcon and Shayalonnie, for the words of
     wisdom, beta'ing and alpha-eta'ing advice. You guys, you're my rocks.
     All character, spells, magical equipment and locations from the Harry
     Potter series belong to JK Rowling.
***** A New Awakening *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
                                  Chapter One
                                A New Awakening
===============================================================================
July, 1996
 In a field, Countryside
He wasn't meant to be here, in the middle of a field watching a house in the
distance, with a witch who made his heart do double takes. He was supposed to
be at home, drinking cocoa by the fire as he wrestled with pre-moon jitters and
feelings that made no sense.
Remus was supposed to be thinking of the words to say to his conscience; the
words that could fix all of this and make it more bearable to live with - but
he was here.
Tonks pulled at the grass once more, letting the long strands flow from her
fingers into the soft breeze that took each piece up to the stars above. They
danced in the wind, and her eyes couldn't stop but watch them, dark in shade
with the light of purity shimmering in them.
The first thing he had noticed was the hue of her hair; it was less 'Tonks'
this evening. She had settled for dusty brown instead of aqua blue, but knowing
her, it could all change in seconds. Remus didn't like how 'normal' she looked,
but that sparkle in her eyes was still there - the heart-stopping look that
made his knees weak even though he was sat beside her.
Remus took a deep breath, his ribs and chest aching from the exhaustion of
avoiding her. His entire body ached from running in every direction to put
distance between them; his mind focused entirely on avoiding her and ignoring
the feeling she often sparked. His brain was positively fried from thinking of
excuse after excuse to not be around her and resist falling for the witch
before him, until his conscience kicked in and the self-loathing cranked up to
high. His soul physically pulled to her, but his heels remained planted into
the ground.
Remus had argued with himself too often about it all. He had bored his own
thoughts with if's and but's; he had drowned his mind and liver in questions
and liquor. He had wrestled with fighting or giving up and giving in. He would
move closer to surrender, and then he would see a flicker of innocence, a pure
truthfulness in her eyes and he would unravel again.
Then, like the wind changing course, he would remember him — freezing him to
the bone. He would remember the man that had been there when no one else ever
had. He had loved Sirius. He loved him even now, and Remus had loved him with
all he had, but a part of him knew that he felt like he could love her too.
It was impossible, it wasn't right, surely? No soul got two chances at love...
It was impossible? Otherwise, why would there be widows and divorcees that
merrily chose other things to busy themselves with? Why would he, a monster, be
rewarded with two people who could and would love him? He was no one special;
he was... broken.
No one would ever choose broken when they had a chance of being whole.So he
wasn't sure why he should even entertain the idea of her. She was more than
whole; she was... perfection.
He hadn't seen it before when she had first walked into the kitchen of
Grimmauld Place, but he had felt her, of course. Her presence had the ability
to shake the ground and made his world quake without speaking. He hadn't seen
her though, not like this. Not like she was right now.
His eyes had been trained on the intoxicating wizard with his silver eyes and
tattooed flesh; he had been drunk on daydreams of hot kisses and bruising
fingers on his hips. Remus had been entirely focused on not allowing Sirius to
lose himself, to not cloud himself in failure and misery. He tried to hold on
so tightly that he shouldn't have been able to let go - but yet, here he was —
alone. Remus was without him once more and left to drift aimlessly in a world
that should have been theirs.
It was on nights like these, when he would be paired with the younger Auror.
That his lover - as pathetic as that was to say - would be at headquarters and
he would be out here laughing, smiling at the witty witch with the ever
changing hair. At some twisted part, his soul clung onto her, and he saw that
look, the one he had seen so often mixed with grey; love, staring so deeply
into him that it awoke a part in his soul he had never known.
"What happens if you find them? Your mate?"
Sirius had asked him that one evening, too much whisky in his stomach and a
cigarette limply on his lip. He leant against one of his large windows, a bed
sheet blocking out the world outside he hadn't seen in so long. Remus admired
how his boxers hung feebly from his hips, how the candlelight was hitting the
lines of his muscles, highlighting the tattoos that told his story.
"Will we be done? My use fulfilled?"
Remus watched, paralysed by the question, as Sirius slung back the golden brown
liquid, and he could only imagine it twisting down his throat into his stomach.
"Done?" He asked curiously. "Even now; after I waited... you still –"
"She's your mate, Moony," Sirius spoke with such certainty that he practically
ripped the curtain back on what his head had been unwilling to think. "You
don't think I'd pick up on it? I may have been falsely imprisoned because of a
fucking rat, but I'm not actually stupid."
Remus shifted on the bed, the cotton sheet over his lap falling and leaving him
free. "Done? We can never be done. I choose you, my heart," Remus clutched at
his chest, "My heart chooses you."
Then he saw that look, the sad look that adults gave children. "Moony, your
heart may want me... but the truth is that your soul chooses her."
Remus watched Tonks as she pressed her palms into the grass, her smile getting
larger as she removed her feet from her boots. She was blissfully unaware of
memory lane he was falling down. She wasn't conscious of the fact that his
heart was breaking inside the very chest that was inches away from her.
After all, he had learnt to hide it so well with the natural reactions his face
had to her. Even now when he was finding the whole evening to be unbearable,
with the moon wanting to take him. He could feel it, his own smile mirroring
hers and the beat of his heart like a drum. He felt that fullness that came
with being close to her, the brightness and magic.
Ever since that conversation no one, not even Sirius, could silence her in a
room. His senses fixed on her; his heart would sound louder in his ears until
he realised that it was hers, pumping in her chest on the other side of the
room. Remus would find his eyes on her when they should have been somewhere
else, or on someone else. He would find her quirks comforting; he would find
her resilience empowering to be around.
It was as though he loved her, yet he didn't know her. He felt like he had
always been in love with her, but never awake to know it.
None of this was helped with how often they were partnered; they sat together
on night shifts, observing homes that were suspicious or lingering in villages
that had sparked interest. The backdrops often romance-worthy, with night skies
and setting suns. They would sit close enough to touch but neither wishing to
and he'd listen carefully to the beating of her heart.
"You're doing that thing again," Tonks whispered into the night, her words
twisting in the wind. "Where you hold your breath and then let out an enormous
breath." Her eyes snapped to him, joy and adventure swirling in them. "You
practising your technique or something? I promise I can hold my breath for
longer."
Remus bit back a devilish smirk as he observed her nose twitch, her eyes
surveying him as she watched each one of his movements. He could hardly say she
smelt like everything he loved and more, mainly because it sounded deranged —
even after everything he had seen. She smelt like leather - like Sirius, but
softer, not so refined. She smelt like sugar and sweetness - like
confectionary. But most of all she smelt like a place he wanted to get lost in
forever. It all made him feel guilty. Every thought he had about her - it just
flooded him with guilt, weighing him down and forcing him to drown in a pit of
self-loathing that he had created himself.
"I've never known you so silent, Mr Professor."
"Oh this game again," he chuckled.
Tonks clapped her hands. "He speaks! Bravo." He had watched her wink before he
blended his own laugh with hers, the darkness seeming less dark.
The clouds above parted, and Remus caught a glimpse of the moon - not quite
full, but not entirely safe either. A chill erupted over his skin, his heart
pounding against his ribs as his mood diminished and before he could swallow
his fears, her hand grazed over his.
"If you have to... If you don't feel up to tonight," Tonks offered, her
eyebrows slightly raised with a cuteness to them that he recognised as concern.
"I'm a big girl."
"I can see that." His eyes traced over her before his cheeks blushed. "What I
meant. No. You aren't big, you're quite slender actually - athletic, yes!
You're athletic and –"
"– Calm down." Tonks smirked, her hand patting his and the current running
through him was hard to ignore. The wolf within screaming louder than usual,
the upcoming full moon and an impending transformation making it hard to
silence him. It wasn't that what made this hard, it was the man. The man inside
that wanted to wrap his fingers into her hair and pull her plump lips to his.
Tonks held her palm against his chest, her lips parting, smiling before her
voice filled the air. "I think I know what you meant."
It was the man who was struggling to remain in control.
"You alright?"
"Yes - Yeah," he said with a smile. Her hand was retreating, and a blue feeling
filled the point they were touching, spreading throughout his body like a
current, washing him with the feeling and leaving him cold. "You're nice to me.
For reasons unknown to me."
Tonks laughed, sweetly and loudly. "This your furry problem speaking or? I have
ears everywhere at HQ. Well did." Her laughter rising in volume at his pout.
Silence filled the air between them; he wasn't sure whether to push forward or
ignore and hope for the best it wasn't what he suspected she was referring to.
A cloud of insecurity appeared between them, rising and creating questions that
wanted to be spoken, but neither dared take that step. He wanted to ask if she
felt it - if she felt the beat of his heart in her chest as he did with hers.
He wanted her to ask if he liked her, just to see that fear in her eyes - it
made her so human, so... normal, but he wasn't sure he'd know how to answer.
It was peaceful until it wasn't. Within the blink of an eye, a spell flew past
them, slashing through whatever moment had been building. With the quickness of
a cat, Tonks had her wand out, and the knitting of protection spells formed in
the air as he pulled himself up off the ground. Black smoke flew over them, and
Remus hurried to her side as his hands darted for both wand and Portkey.
Spells flew from his hand before his mind had concocted them, the need to
protect powering him forward as his eyes trained on the figure before him. The
wolf screamed at him to protect the woman fighting alongside him, to push her
to the ground and cover her body. Instead, she had adopted her zero-fucks
expression as she stood beside him, her brows knitted. The two of them danced
around one another, their backs together and the current of an electrifying
fire powered off them both; bouncing from the souls that wished to entwine as
they read each other's moves as easily as if they had practised. Spell after
spell flew from their wands aiming at the Death Eaters who had wished to harm
them. Light after light filling the night sky that hadn't wished for this
sight.
Remus caught sight of the stars above twinkling off the masks of those who
wished to kill him, her, them, the brightest star directly over their forehead
and he struggled to swallow his mourning back. His mind screamed to grab her
and retreat - but Tonks had other ideas. A spell powering through her body flew
at the person before her before he watched in awe as she threw her Portkey
around their neck, sending the unsuspecting person away. With a crack and a
pop, her assailant had gone and her eyes trained like a predator on the one in
front of Remus. He watched like a statue as the Auror within her took over,
dazzling the Death Eater with spells and fluidity Remus didn't know. Before he
could comprehend anything, a loud crack sounded and they were once more alone,
a cloaking spell thrown over them.
He was amazed, to say the least. Wrestling with where his mind had gone to when
he had stood beside Tonks because it hadn't been on battling. It had been
focused on her, it had been in awe of her and quaking for her safety.
His eyes widened in surprise as she let out a breath and her hands met her
hips. "And I expected tonight to be boring –"
Remus took three strides towards her before cutting her off as he pressed his
lips against hers with a confidence he had found at the last moment. One hand
had slid into her hair that changed like a rainbow at the contact, and the
other caressed her very alive hip as though he had done this a thousand times.
His lips moved against hers as if they had done this dance before, as though
their lips were familiar with the other, when the opposite was in fact true.
Fear had pushed him to do it, but need forced him to continue. As soon as their
lips brushed against one another, innocence and carefulness had flown from
their grasp. Remus found his fingers knotted into her hair as he bit down on
her lip, a groan emitting from deep within her that vibrated right down to his
core and the wolf within him growled in utter bliss.
He felt with each movement, with each new taste of her and every new feel of
her against him, a part of him that had died a long time ago was suddenly
reawakened. With the touch of Tonk's fingers against his side, pulling at his
shirt until she felt skin, his body sang for her - urging her forward until the
two of them tumbled down into the long grass.
If the fall had hurt her, she didn't complain. Her leg hooked over his as he
felt her mouth move to catch the side of his. Her fingers ran up his stomach,
and he gasped, breaking their lips as her touch traced the scars his pain had
left behind.
"Your eyes," Tonks whispered with a smile, as her hand brushed against his
cheek, "They're… burning."
Remus smiled as old words came back to him, ones he didn't need at the moment,
but he was glad for it, because it made sense.
                       You burn for me; your eyes burn.
He stared down at the witch, finally listening to his soul rather than his
fears and he heard it - as clear as day as it sang for her and the words he
hadn't been listening to filled him.
              She's your mate; I don't expect you to run forever.
It all clicked into place like a puzzle that he had been looking at wrong. The
forgiveness, the permission that he had been given without asking had been with
him all along. Remus smiled, a genuinely satisfied smile that they were alive
and he had been given this chance. He allowed the words to tumble straight from
his mouth without thought.
"I burn for those I'd catch fire for." His lips connected with the skin below
her neck as a groan replaced words she was going to speak.
Remus didn't deserve her innocence, or her beauty - he knew that with every
pulse of his blood. He saw in her eyes that she hadn't seen the things he had,
nor had she known a hardship as he had. Age, to her, may never be a factor, but
for him it was everything. It was the reason, the be all and end all of hope.
He had little on the clock if the losses he had felt were anything to go by. He
didn't want another to be at the hands of his curse; his friends had fallen
first, his lover second - all that remained was a rat who was neither friend or
foe. She was innocence, an innocence that deserved better and she didn't need
to be wrapped up in this.
Yet, he couldn't break from her lips. Lips that tasted like heaven and hell
mixed in a cocktail that he never wanted to be without. He wanted to wrap her
around him many times over, bringing moans to the air and touching her in
places the wolf implored him to.
He had a map of scars that showed the roads of his illness. He had lines caused
by his own hands when his alter-ego, the beast, wanted to feel the tear of
flesh; he had silver lines that dated back to infancy when he should have felt
the glee instead of pain. Memories tainted as was the beauty of full moons, but
they were alive; they were both alive.
"You are... crazy!" Remus whispered, nuzzling his nose against hers as he
closed his eyes, taking in her scent. "You... were so –"
"– Badass?" Tonks smirked as she tried to meet his lips.
"You could have died," he said with warmth, except that thought opened a door
he hadn't wished to. It began to suck every happy thought from him, all the
acceptance he had struggled to find just zoomed past his grasp and out of his
heart.
Remus opened his eyes, meeting a lust in her eyes that reminded him of the man
he had let die. "You could have died."
Tonks frowned, her smile falling at the corners of her mouth. He tried to dip
his head, not wanting to see her realise what he was feeling, but he knew she
already did. "Remus..."
He scurried off her and he sat on his knees at her feet; his fingers running
through his hair as he tried to capture breath that was being stolen by sheer
panic. "You... You can't die. You could... I'm here to protect you!"
"I'm an Auror! If anyone here needs protection, it's a bloody Professor!"
Remus slowly moved to stand, turning his back on her as he tried to steady the
wolf that was growling at him for pulling away; attempting to calm the man who
felt so panicked that he wasn't sure he could breathe normally around her - or
without her.
"Tonks," he let out with a sigh, "You can't risk your life like that, you
can't."
He hadn't realised she had stood up until he turned back, seeing her hair like
bright flames as it blew in the wind around her shoulders. Her cheeks flushed
with anger rather. "Why? Why can't I do my job, because that's what my job is,
y'know, to protect people? I do this every damn day –"
"– Because..." Remus said, trailing off as his words stuck in his throat. The
same words he had said to another who had left; the words that had been spoken
and changed everything. "Nothing." He sighed and the twinkle in her eye
vanished, driven away by his fearful thoughts that had caused him to push her
away.
I can't lose you! Remus instead said with his eyes, his body, his heart. Not
that he was sure it could be heard; not that it had been heard the first time,
but he said it all the same.
The passion in her cheeks faded in a breath, that resilience and need to pull
him back diminished. There was only disappointment in her eyes now, and he
wasn't sure if it was at him or his choice.
"We should go back," Tonks muttered, her hands brushing down her leggings as
she avoided his gaze. "We sent them back, and we didn't... we didn't follow."
He nodded, not sure any other words could be said because if she hadn't read
the desperation in his eyes, she wouldn't have heard the panic in his heart and
the acceptance of his love.
===============================================================================
November 1975
 Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory, Hogwarts
                                   "Moony."
  Yes, Sirius. The pair of lips before him, he was so in reach, so touchable.
  "Moony! Wake up!" Sirius called again, and this time it pulled him from his
                                   reverie.
 Remus snapped his eyes open and saw the same man from his dreams, legs either
                  side of his own as he stared deeply at him.
                                "You're awake!"
  Remus raised his hand to rub his face. "So I am." He groaned into his hand,
 half stretching his sore muscles. "There a reason for the human alarm clock?"
                                 "Breakfast."
               Remus dropped his hand in annoyance. "Breakfast?"
Sirius grinned, the smile that Remus found he couldn't resist — as difficult as
                  that was. "Most important meal of the day."
===============================================================================
                                        
Chapter End Notes
     Come find me on tumblr: JEPierrex
***** The Problem *****
Chapter Summary
     Remus and Sirius avoid their feelings as best they can.
Chapter Notes
     A huge, amazing thank you to LeanaM for beta'ing, teaching and making
     me smile.
     And for Jade Presley who alpha read this chapter when I was so unsure
     if it was even something I should do.
                                  Chapter Two
                                  The Problem
===============================================================================
September, 1975
 Gryffindor Common Room, Hogwarts
Remus swallowed thickly as his eyes trailed over the topless male in front of
him with his trousers hung low on his hips. The deep v of his hips caused him
to drool, the smile that lit his face was captivating his every sense. He
shouldn't stare, but he just… couldn't stop. He never could; he felt like all
he did was resist, look away and attempt to ignore.
It didn't matter, he knew that he couldn't feel this way because this man was
his best friend. A sacred friendship bond with a line he shouldn't, couldn't
and possibly wouldn't cross. Although he wanted to, desperately.
Sirius Black had been the boy who had seen past his scars on their first night
in Gryffindor Tower, his hand moving to pat his shoulder as he cheered in
excitement that they would all be the best of friends. Remus had never had a
friend, never mind a best friend, and the weight of such a responsibility
weighed down on him from the onset.
It had been painful to keep his secret from them; it had been even more
difficult to keep up the lies of why he vanished — Remus had always known that
Sirius was suspicious. James and Peter, however, were just thankful he
returned. When the wolf got out of bag he had expected them to turn their
backs, but Sirius mirrored the same stance he had done on their first night,
slapping his wounded shoulder and declaring nothing would break them apart.
And here he was, a few years later, best friends with three men who he couldn't
live without. One of them in particular he was sure he'd die without. Sirius
kept him in orbit, not knowing how dependable Remus was on him, how his smile
could brighten his day and laugh could change Remus' entire mood.
Those feelings were the precise reason he wilted into himself more. Brothers.
They were like brothers. The four of them, tighter than real brothers because
they had chosen one another. It felt wrong. There was no way one brother could
fancy another brother, yet here he was, wanting to press his lips against
Sirius' in a non-brotherly way.
They were brothers; a brotherhood. A band of trouble makers that had the
other's backs through everything. Merlin how Remus wanted to be against Sirius'
back. He tried to shake the thought away for the millionth time that month. He
knew, with a heavy heart, that this would not be a problem-halved-if-shared
situation.
If someone asked him about it, not even sure why they would, but ifthey did, he
wouldn't label himself as someone who liked men. Remus wasn't exactly sure what
he would label himself as, other than a monster, that was. There was something
about Sirius that had him confused, conflicted. He had kissed a girl, briefly,
and it had been enjoyable.
Dorcas Meadowes. A pretty, innocent brunette that studied with him and made him
smile. She didn't gaze at his scars and look into his eyes with curiosity, she
simply acted as though she didn't notice them and while all of that sounded
positively brilliant, he would enter the dormitory to see a half naked Black
and he would become conflicted.
Even as the beautiful girl did that very thing that all girls claim that they
hated, Remus didn't feel that buzz, the fireworks you're meant to feel. When he
kissed her a week later, pressing her back into the wall of the fifth floor
corridor, he urged himself to feel a speckle of something — buthe didn't. It
fell flat, like his feelings for her had done.
His mind was full of stars, and not of meadows.
When Sirius had learnt of their split, he had been all fuck her and do you, and
all he could think about was how he quite liked the idea of fucking him and
doing him right in the middle of the Common Room. Remus didn't know how that
thought had even come up, but it had and he hadn't been able to banish as it
easily as he wished. It worsened when Sirius had sat on the edge of his bed a
few nights later, just as he always had done for the last few years, and Remus
couldn't ignore the his skin tingled — the reaction he had been looking for
with a girl, but found with a boy. Sirius, of all boys, and he knew that it was
all wrong. Somehow.
The man had clearly been made by Gods, he was sure of it. He had to have been,
because there was no way, not even with love potions and perfect spells, that a
man could be crafted in such a way as Sirius was.
All dark hair, athletic body with a hint of Muggle rock band — Remus was
royally fucked. Even if he knew that another man would probably not spark such
a feeling in him, the one that shared his dormitory couldand he had nowhere to
go, nowhere to hide his feelings or thoughts. Even though he tried to convince
himself that, at least for now, it was nothing more than a harmless,
questionable crush that occasionally blurred his eyes and smoked his thoughts,
Remus didn't believe himself.
He couldn't ignore that pull in his stomach at the sight of Sirius throwing his
head back in joy, or the frown on his brow when someone called him. Remus had
attempted to bury his feelings many times before deciding to accept the
situation for what it was, but running as far from it as soon as he did.
It wasn't as though he could ever feel something for him.
Sirius liked girls after all. Remus was not a girl; he was a boy who turned
into a monster at the full-moon.
===============================================================================
November 1975
 Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory, Hogwarts
"Moony."
Yes, Sirius. The pair of lips before him, he was so in reach, so touchable.
"Moony! Wake up!" Sirius called again, and this time it pulled him from his
reverie.
Remus snapped his eyes open and saw the same man from his dreams, legs either
side of his own as he stared deeply at him. This was not good for him,
especially when he had been attempting to not think about the man above —
especially not in the position he was currently in.
"You're awake!"
Remus raised his hand to rub his face — thinking thoughts that would abolish
the hardening cock between his legs. "So, I, am." He groaned into his hand,
half stretching his sore muscles, and thinking of anything but Sirius being on
top of him. "There a reason for the human alarm clock?"
"Breakfast."
Remus dropped his hand in annoyance. "Breakfast?"
Sirius grinned, the smile that Remus found he couldn't resist — as difficult as
that was. "Most important meal of the day."
"You usually miss it. What makes this morning so special?" Remus asked
suspiciously. He knew he wouldn't like the answer so he was unsure why he had
even bothered.
"This particular morning, is super important." Sirius shuffled off the bed,
pulling down the creased shirt covering his torso. "You know… breakfast."
He couldn't bite back the groan, half wishing to pull his pillow over his face
and go back to his, inappropriate,dream — a dream he had been having since he
saw those bloody grey eyes on the platform. Being around Sirius was like living
a constant nightmare and a dream rolled into one messed up scenario he couldn't
escape, and didn't wish too. The man, who was currently stood beside him now,
had no idea that he harboured a crushon him — Remus had decided crush was the
optimum word. Having a crush made it seem like something he could get over,
something manageable — small, easily lost after some time. These feelings were
possibly normal for anyone who had someone like Sirius, the man emitted warmth,
attractive appear and wit wherever he went, and often showed Remus more
kindness than anyone else ever had — so truthfully, a crush was quite a minor
thing to have picked up when hanging around him.
"I've had my Prefect badge for all of… two months. Am I going to lose it today?
Is this the day I am stripped of the only power I've ever had?" Remus asked as
he slowly sat up, watching the bouncing Sirius jump around.
Sirius paused in his half dance, half jump, to look at him with a smirk on his
lips. "If I answer maybe, will you be mad?"
"Terribly."
"Then no."
Remus wasn't sure why he even asked the next question. "Are you lying to me,
Padfoot?"
Sirius seemed to consider his answer before replying with "No" once more. Remus
swung his legs out of the bed, slowly rising from the safety of his bed before
glaring at Sirius who was watching him.
"What?" Remus asked, but Sirius only shook his head. "Anyway, is this payback
by any chance?"
"It's breakfast."
Remus rolled his eyes as he grabbed his shirt, trousers and underwear from the
bottom of his bed. He was slinking off to the bathroom, needing some peace for
even a breath. "Sticking with that story then?" Sirius laughed in response —
which wasn't comforting in the slightest.
===============================================================================
November 1975
 Prefects Bathroom, Hogwarts
Remus attempted to relax. He would use the word attempt because up until now,
every other pastime that once brought him comfort had been ruined by the very
person who didn't know it. Sirius.
It wasn't that he was any more annoying, or chatty, or even hyperactive — he
was just more attractive than Remus had ever noticed before.
He blamed the wolf because when all else failed, the wolf was to blame. That
animalistic part of him that clung to sights and scents, the part of him that
needed likeable people around him — and the liking part came down to the wolf,
not the man. Remus had always assumed, wrongly of course, that the wolf liked
Sirius, James and Peter all the same. None of them higher ranked than the
other. The wolf liked to make a mockery of him, because he hadranked them, he'd
just waited until the hormones had kicked into truly show it.
Remus hated the wolf.
He had a nice time with Dorcas until the wolf decided to let him know that her
touch did nothing for either of them, and the flame that had once flickered for
her died. The wolf had then decided, at the beginning of this year that Sirius
was the one that both the man and the animal liked.
Again, Remus hated the wolf.
Before this all occurred, he had been content sitting in a room, minding his
own business or playing Wizarding Chess with Sirius and having no intruding
thoughts appeared. Now, all Remus could think about was how he wanted to run
his fingers through Sirius' hair and feel those chapped lips against his own.
Remus wanted to see Sirius become flustered, he wanted to knock some confidence
out of him with his own — because Remus was extremely confident in the fact he
had a crush on Sirius.
A crush. He had been calling it that since September and it still hadn't
lessened. If anything, it had gotten worse.
Which was why Remus was in the large bathtub, enjoying the various scented
bubbles and the feel of near scalding water against his skin. He could let
thoughts float in and out all he wished, no one would interrupt him — no one
would want to interrupt him. If he got a little excitable, then at least he was
alone and there were no prying ears to hear him. If he got frustrated, punching
water was a lot less painful than walls — something he wished Sirius and James
could think of, instead of marking the dormitory walls. He was a Prefect now,
after all.
Resting the back of his neck against the side of the tub, he pressed his hands
against the edges and slowly lifted his legs — he relished in feeling
weightless. He tried to clear his mind and truly let go.
He couldn't.
No matter how peaceful the sound of water was, right there in the centre of his
thoughts, were Sirius, naked in front of him, water droplets falling down his
chest onto the muscles of his abdomen, dark hair plastered to his neck and
shoulders and that glint in his eyes, the one that told him to come to bed with
him and break apart all at once.
"Dammit," Remus hissed as he rubbed his face, his feet firmly on the bottom of
the large tub. "Damn-it-all!"
He was rooted to the ground forever, with Sirius Black taunting him in his
thoughts — the stupid, handsome bastard.
===============================================================================
November 1975
 Potions Classroom, Hogwarts
The problem with this class is that without calmness and a serious amount of
concentration — which Sirius didn't have — the potions were more likely to
become a disaster. He had actually considered that he had been born with more
pent-up emotions than anyone else, or that his mother had smuggled a potion in
his food to make him as unstable as his cousin.
None of this was helped by the sudden change in his best friend. While Peter
had grown several inches over the summer and another since their first day on
the train for that year, his chubby cheeks remained. James was still fluffing
his hair up, although he had to admit he looked so funny when he did it, and he
still continued to pine for Evans like she was a Goddess or something. Remus,
however, had been a different story.
The boy had truly become a man, and Sirius wasn't sure if it was the newly
acquired hormones that had begun to rage inside of him, or the muscles that
pushed against the boundaries of Remus' shirt sleeves, but he was coming over
hot and bothered. Then there was his height. Whether the man within had good
genes or being a werewolf had some benefits Sirius didn't know, but the had
grown to near six foot and his shoulders had broadened with him.
None of this had been as jaw dropping as the muscular legs that had been swung
out from Remus' knitted quilt. He most definitely had not seen those before the
Summer, and they, like so many other new qualities, had never made him drool
over his cauldron. Every time he blinked there were the boxer-shorts that had
sat at the top of his thighs from that morning, sleep still in Remus' eyes
allowing him a longer glance than he would usually be able to take. He wasn't
sure why Remus didn't sleep in those quilted pyjama bottoms, even with it being
November, but Sirius was fucking thankful.
Sirius couldn't control himself. The feeling he had been wrestling with for
almost six months had a confirmation stamp thrown across it. He wanted Remus.He
wanted Remus badly. What he had, at first, thought to be a protective brotherly
love, was in fact a need to claim and protect. Innocent thoughts of just seeing
if his lips were as soft as they looked, that wasn't curiosity like he had told
himself, no, he wanted to feel them because he quite liked them.
This was the first time that Sirius felt a hardness press against his trousers
in a class watching Remus concentrate. He usually had better control, and why
he knew with confidence this wouldn't be the last time, Sirius wasn't sure how
to get rid off it. He found himself dizzying when the pink tip of Remus' tongue
darted out as he frowned in confusion — a look many wouldn't have liked, but he
did. He fucking did.
"You should be finding your potion a shade of blue about now," Slughorn was
saying.
All Sirius could think of was something else turning blue and in desperate need
of relief. It was then, as he struggled to adjust himself to a more
comfortablespot, that Remus' green eyes pinned him to the spot, freezing him
down to the core. The eyes, those green bloody eyes, didn't soften as they
watched him, and Sirius' core didn't warm for a second or two, and as his heart
began to hammer in his chest the cogs in Sirius' mind began churning as though
freeing from whatever had stuck them. He felt utter fear that Remus knew — that
the green eyes man had learnt to read minds or some other shit like that, and
the jig, so to speak, was up.
Sweat began to build on his palms, and Sirius almost let out a whimper at the
pressure against the zip of his trousers when he feels a hand slap his
shoulder.
"I'm going to do it, Pads," James said, not at all noticing the discomfort
Sirius was in, "I'm going to ask Evans to tutor me."
"Good luck with that Prongs," Remus said, rolling his eyes and flicking his
hair out of his eyes. All Sirius could think about was brushing that fucking
adorable lock of hair from his eyes. A bead of sweat rolled down his spine. "I
would at least cast some sort of Protego, y'know, just in case."
James snorted, "Tease all you want, McWolfy, but today is the day I get the
girl."
It wasn't. In Sirius' mind that day wasn't even remotely memorable for the hex
the redhead had fired at him, landing James in detention cleaning cauldrons.
No, that day was memorable for the wank he had relieved himself with that
night; the wank that confirmed it all.
Sirius fucking wanted Remus, in every way he'd let him.
===============================================================================
January 1976
 Gryffindor Common Room, Hogwarts
Alcohol. The devil's liquor and the angels' song. He knew why he drank. He knew
what demons he had to hide from, but Sirius still resented that drowsy,
uncontrollable feeling he got to when merriment slipped to drunk.
Christmas, as usual in the Black family, had been eventfully shite. The
disappointment card was brandished at every meal, the lookof why hadn't he just
died yetwhenever he teased Regulus.
He liked to imagine from time to time how close the two of them could be if his
mother wasn't such a raging lunatic. Sirius pondered if they had been raised by
a woman who baked pies and knitted jumpers, would they be as close as he was
with James, Peter, or Remus.
Fuck… Remus.
The man had a full moon approaching and the usual fatigue in his eyes was
there, his hair spiked up from his shower and his skin still had that dew on it
from the steam. He could blame the alcohol for the glow around Remus, but he
knew that in reality it would be there when he woke up.
Sirius wondered if Remus was as drunk as him or James, would it be easier to
just tell him? Would it roll off his tongue and his mouth find his? He doubted
it. Dreams were never something that became true in Sirius' life — as horrid as
that was.
"Where'd you slump off t las' night?" Peter said, hiccuping at the end as his
eyes glazed over.
Emerald. Piercingly bright emerald landed on him like a spotlight. "Out,"
Sirius said, sounding as cagey as he tried not to be.
"Ahhh," James sniggered, leaning on him and nearly making him fall off the arm
of the sofa, "That Ravenclaw wan' it?"
Sirius looked up finally catching the piercing look he had felt; the corners of
those rosy cheeks began to rise as he saw Remus smirk, entirely unfazed. He
wasn't sure what he had hoped for, but an entirely other reaction, other than a
smirk, would have been nicer to see. "Yeah, something like that."
James giggled like a girl, and even Sirius knew that the liquor needed to be
cut off. He turned to face Remus, ready to say the very same when he saw him
nod, an unspoken language. If not for the lingering look, Sirius might have
missed the fleeting, but clear, disappointment at the mention of night before.
Remus had never been one to cheer him for his night caps with school students,
but he had never scolded him either. That look, however, had said that he
wanted to, just this once at least.
It was a shame, really, especially when Sirius knew that their tie may have
been blue and bronze, but their sex wasn't female as the others were led to
believe.
He kind of hoped that Remus wouldn't be even more disappointed if he added
that, but he decided to not bother. The look had gone, as the moment had and
alcohol began to affect his vision.
Sirius wished that things were easier, but they never were, no matter how close
to the end of the bottle he got.
===============================================================================
                                      xXx
***** The Friendship Confusion *****
Chapter Notes
     A huge thank you to LeanaM for beta'ing and supporting me.
     Thank you to all the readers, and those who are following - you truly
     mean so much to me.
                                 Chapter Three
                           The Friendship Confusion
===============================================================================
February 1976
 Great Hall, Hogwarts
"Wake up, Moony," Sirius sang sweetly from the other side of his curtains.
Remus smiled, his eyes continuing to scan the remainder of the page before
informing Sirius he was in fact awake. He knew, however, that if he remained
deadly silent — damn forgetting to place Silencing Charms — he would have
another minute or two, allowing him to finish the chapter of a book Lily had
given him. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe was a thrilling read that he
was disgruntled he hadn't read before, and of course, morning had broken just
when he had gotten to a good part.
"Moony. It's breakfast time."
Hissing in annoyance, Remus applied a sticking charm to the page — not even
considering folding the corner of the precious paper — and threw back the
curtains.
"Wait, you're dressed?"
Remus smiled. "You sound disappointed, Pads." He paused for a reaction,
however, became quickly disappointed he didn't receive one. "I've been awake
for some time."
Sirius folded his arms, not giving the shirt a fair chance with his newly honed
muscles from Quidditch practice. "This isn't like last time."
"Good," Remus said, brushing down his trousers and pulling the curtain shut on
his sanctuary. "I dislike you waking me up to drag me to breakfast, only for me
to watch McGonagall deduct points because you enacted revenge on your brother."
He patted Sirius on the back as he walked past, biting back a shudder at the
feel of pure muscle under his palm as the man mumbled a quiet, "he deserved
it". It had seemed that James had already left for breakfast when the two of
them got to the Common Room, and a wave of dread fluttered over Remus at being
alone with Sirius for the entire walk to the Great Hall.
Remus didn't mind, but that was the point. He didn't mind. He actually relished
in being alone with Sirius and it had begun to worry him. Those feelings,
innocent, small, the ones he had hoped to get rid of, came on thick and fast
every time he saw him. His heart would slam into his ribcage, words would catch
in his throat and disappear from the page before him, leaving him brainless,
breathless with palpitations.
At first he had panicked, unsure of what to say, but Sirius filled in the
silence, as did the rest of the witches of Hogwarts. At every corner eyelashes
would flutter in their direction, but Sirius didn't seem to notice, only
looking directly at him, making his face flush and his mouth go dry. Remus
hadn't been entirely sure what Sirius had been saying from the fourth floor to
the first, but he laughed on cue and he patted that muscular shoulder every now
again — thinking somehow it was normal.
It wasn't. As his bum met the wooden bench of Gryffindor table he realised he
had never, ever patted someone on the shoulder as much as he had Sirius, and he
wanted to bury his face in the cereal bowl that Peter had shoved in his
direction.
"I swear on all of the hairs on your head, Potter, if you don't do one, I will
make you."
Remus smirked into his cereal. To say that the month of February was
entertaining was a slight understatement. James's confession of love for Lily
got more outrageous each year, no matter how often the red-haired witch said
no, he'd still ask.
"Oh, Evans, you tease," James cooed, not noticing the fiery shade of pink
Lily's cheeks grew into.
This year, though, happened to be Remus' favourite.
He had heard the rehearsal, he had witnessed the tripe that was James
pretending to be a gentleman — even if Sirius' impression of James was actually
funnier, and better than the real thing. It was the fact that he actually
charmed lilies to appear from his wand, not knowing how cheese that was or how
much of a Muggle magician his friend looked — he rather hoped Lily would tell
him.
A foot connected with his under the table, pulling his eyes up as he noticed
Peter, who was trying to fight a snigger, and Remus suspected he had been left
out of something as James stood before Lily. His face suddenly blossoming
bright red, and his lips were moving dangerously fast and it was only at the
last second did his voice burst around the Great Hall — an amused Lily blowing
the end of her wand in victory.
"I LIKE THE FEEL OF NEW WOOD UNDER MY HANDS!"
Remus, who's eyes widened at James confession turned his attention to a now
shell-shocked Peter before another declaration came from James.
"WAIT - NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN!" James said, but even with his back to them,
Remus could see he was struggling. "I'VE KISSED MY HAND TO SEE WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE!"
"Oh holy balls!" Remus muttered. Sirius chuckled beside him.
"I've seen him do that —"
"Pads, she's —"
"— Fucking brilliant. Innuendo shout-out may be the one, the only Valentine I
want to receive every year!" Sirius sniggered. "Oh, how I wish I could stop
this."
Remus turned back to a now purple-faced James, Lily standing beside him tapping
her fingers on her arm.
"I'm sure we could," Remus muttered.
"But why would we?" Sirius laughed and together they watched James as he
followed Lily out of the Great Hall — unheard mumblings being shouted behind
his fingers pressed frantically against his mouth in a pointless effort to stop
the effects of the spell.
===============================================================================
February 1976
 Hospital Wing, Hogwarts
Sirius sighed for the millionth time. His eyes scanned over the new wounds that
had appeared on his friend's chest, shoulders, neck, and face. He had at least
been there — he hoped he'd been a comfort. The shack had taken a battering,
more so than usual. Sirius, or Padfoot, had attempted to entice the wolf into a
game of bite or flight — it hadn't been enough to distract Remus long enough to
stop him from causing harm to himself.
It wasn't the most pleasant transformation, not that any of them were. It
looked more painful every moon when Remus' bones cracked and reset, his eyes
screaming for help as the dog, stag and rat watched on, unable to do anything.
Sirius noticed the green hue remain a little longer than usual, as though Remus
had been struggling with something. His emotions seemed heightened and the wolf
had struggled to take over. That could all just be Sirius worrying over nothing
— he knew he did that from time to time, especially over the man in the bed.
His eyes gazed over the muscle lines on Remus' chest. He remembered the first
time he had seen him in one of these beds, and how fragile he had looked. Remus
looked nothing of the sort now. He didn't look like a boy any more, he looked
like a man — a man who had been beaten by something twice his size.
Sirius began to wonder why he was still here, especially with the others off at
breakfast. Did it mean something? Did he truthfullyhave feelings for Remus –
his Moony? Or did he just want to be a good friend?
Just then, Remus moved his head in his sleep, making his hair fall down over
his forehead in a way that highlighted the cheekbones that seemed new, as
though the moon had given him a gift after all it had put him through. Sirius
watched as Remus pouted his lips in his sleep, and thought how fucking soft
they looked.
He knew he liked boys. He knew he had always liked boys.
He thought he liked Remus; he did like Remus quite a bit. Not that it mattered,
Sirius was a Black, a sheep. Remus couldn't like him back; Remus would never
see him in that way.
Remus woke up a little later.
"You're awake," Sirius grinned, pocketing the map he had taken from James, just
in case he wanted to find them.
His fingers grazed over the parchment, right over the place Moony's name was —
it was all he could do for now, not sure he'd have the permission to touch the
real Moony in front of him.
Remus rubbed his eyes. The back of his hand was still healing and he hissed at
the contact, having forgotten the new wound. "Cheers Padfoot, y'know, for the
announcement."
"You're welcome," Sirius said as he wiggled his brows. "How d'ya feel?"
He saw that look — the Moony look. It was the look that screamed don't pity me,
I'm too much in pain to admit it, and, Sirius's favourite, I'm fine —even if he
wasn't.
"Don't lie, either," he added, "Can see straight through you, you know. You're
almost as transparent as the moon itself, Moony."
Remus laughed sarcastically, shuffling in the bed sheets as his cover fell to
his hips as he sat up. Sirius did all he could not to look, forcing his eyes
away from the curve of his hip bone and the tense muscles that looked sore.
"You really sat here waiting for me?"
Sirius shrugged. "You're terrible company."
"Oh, well I do apologise," Remus smirked. "I forgot that, after a horrid full
moon, I am Padfoot's entertainment."
He jokingly crossed his arms over his chest. "Rather rude of you to forget the
best person in your life."
Remus rolled his eyes. "You really didn't need to wait for me to wake up. I'm
not leaving ya or anything."
You best not, was all Sirius thought and he had to bite the inside of his mouth
otherwise he knew he would have said it. He knew it would have come out
teasing, and Remus wouldn't have taken him seriously. The point was, he was
more scared of how much he did want Remus to take it seriously — and how
embarrassing it would be if he didn't.
"I'm glad y'alright, Moony."
"Thanks, Pads" Remus groaned and gingerly held his hip. "You know where there's
a pain potion?"
Sirius got up immediately, as though this was his calling. He uncorked the
bottle Madame Pomfrey had placed there earlier, slowly moving over to him as he
held it to those soft, fucking lips as he fed it to him.
He didn't know why he was feeding it to Remus, but his surprise at his bold
move faded when Remus' lips parted around the opening of the bottle. It was
glorious, and he couldn't hide the smile at the filthy thoughts that ran
through his mind — momentarily forgetting the situation completely.
"You're grinning," Remus said suspiciously.
Sirius watched intently as Remus ran his finger where the potion had been,
wiping the last parts of the liquid from them, and Sirius wished he had beaten
him to it. He wished desperately to wipe his own finger over them, and lick the
pain potion with the tip of his tongue.
Clearing his throat, and his mind, Sirius shook his head. "Illegal now, Moony?
Maybe I'm grinning because I'm in good company…"
Remus shook his head and his low laughter filled the air. Sirius grinned wider
— a blushing Remus was a sight to behold. His fingers moved into his robe
pocket, stroking the map one more time. Gods he wished he could kiss him.
===============================================================================
March 1976
 The Library, Hogwarts
The library had always been a sanctuary; a place where books surrounded him
like old friends that he could revisit any time he chose. Remus felt more safe
here than anywhere else, almost like home — although it missed his mum's
cooking.
It didn't feel as welcoming when Sirius was there. The tightness of his shirt,
pursed lips and cheekbones that could carve wood were always on full display in
front of him; how on earth would anyone be able to concentrate through that
sort of display, never mind Remus.
Words blended into single blobs of writing, squiggles and curves hanging out of
the mess that was his eyesight. Remus contemplated getting Sirius banned, but
the man barely did his homework at the best of times and he would hate to be
the cause for any more detentions.
But then there was the shirt. Sirius always lifted up to get books that were
"too high" for Remus. It didn't matter that at this stage Remus was an inch
taller, Sirius would still do it. It was nice… somewhat. The sight of his shirt
rising, showing hipbones and tanned skin, did everything it shouldn't to Remus'
knees — his body betraying him and turning him to jelly.
It didn't matter that he gripped the side of the table or offered the man a
sarcastic comment to diffuse the tension, Sirius would just smirk, bat his
eyelids and make a comment like, "You know you want me, Moony."He said it so
often, Remus didn't know anymore if he was kidding or if there could be truth
to his words.
"Oi, book-lord, you still there?" Sirius had a deep frown across his forehead,
one that sparked many questions in Remus because the look was so unfamiliar.
Remus cleared his throat, not sure why the frown bothered him so much or why he
had received it, especially as he was currently attempting to blank out the
thoughts of abs and skin on skin. "Your Highness?"
"Careful, I might like that name. What's the answer to number ten?"
He wanted to roll his eyes, suggest a comment that was both backhanded and
sarcastic, but he couldn't. Remus had lost his gift; his dry humour that was
all he had in the world. He coughed, he smiled, he even attempted to pinch his
arm — the sight of hipbones and tight cotton over skin was making him lose his
mind.
Remus was actually sure that was the case. He had lost his mind. Gone. Evaded.
Fucked off.
"Moony?"
"If I help you, when will you learn?" Remus replied. "Maybe a book will help
you. You know. Those leather-bound things on those shelves?"
Sirius scoffed. Not too loud or purposeful; it was light and dreamy, the entire
opposite of what a scoff was supposed to sound like. His eyes shone like
moonlight over diamonds, and Remus felt forever changed.
He watched Sirius rise from the library bench with a smirk matching the
confident aura Sirius was giving off. "I hate you for making me use my brain,
Moony. Ugh. There was me thinking you loved me."
He watched him move out of sight, sighing heavily once the coast was clear.
Sirius had no idea how much the last statement was true, and another weight was
added to shoulders that already carried a burden Remus shouldn't have to bear.
The threat of his Charms homework being done in the middle of the night began
to hurt Remus' brain, not sure his eyes could take the light from his wand
again. Then, like a saving grace, James swanned in. The entire library chuckled
at the sight of him, his hand running through his hair as he attempted to mess
it up, his eyes scanning every desk to see the red-haired woman he had clearly
come stalking for.
"She's doing rounds," Remus muttered with a perplexed look as James stood
beside him, pushing his glasses up.
"I'm here for Padfoot, actually," James snarled, running his hand through
Remus' hair as he messed it up from the base to the top, "thought I'd take our
pet off your hands."
"Peter in detention?"
James scoffed, a silence following as Remus bit the inside of his mouth to stop
himself from smirking. His eyes scanned three sentences, pleased that his
ability to read had returned to him — until the scent of musty aftershave
flooded his canine senses.
"Prongs is here!" Sirius half-cheered, as he bounced up and down on the spot.
"Tell me you've come to save me from the books." Sirius held one out at arm's
length, pretending it was attacking him. "They're, attempting, to, kill, me!"
Remus wanted to roll his eyes, mutter a laugh, but then his sight caught skin
and shirt, buttons undone and the beginning of chest hair. He didn't know the
colour had faded from his face again, but he did notice that the library had
suddenly got warmer, and his hands had become more clammy.
James' hand slapped his shoulder, half laughing at Sirius' dramaticdisplay.
"You got the map?"
"Of course." Sirius winked and threw the book onto the desk. "Whatcha
thinking?"
Remus dipped his head, not needing to hear whatever plot they had up their
sleeves. As soon as he attempted to shut off and focus on the book, his
werewolf senses kicked in, forcing him to listen to something he really, really
didn't want to. The heightened sense of hearing made their whispers sound like
shouting, his head struggling to concentrate on words fading from pages being
replaced by spoken ones right before his eyes.
He wasn't upset that the two of them were attempting to break Peter out. It was
actually something he'd like to be involved in himself. He had found that
things had shifted between the four of them, and Remus suspected it all boiled
down to the badge pinned firmly on his chest. It hadn't mattered before about
the lack of planning and thought that had gone into these 'hijinks', but now it
did. If he was caught now, it was worse for him. Letting down the Professors
who believed in him, even with what he was, seemed worse than being
occasionally left out. So he accepted his fate, even if it was one he struggled
with.
"Right, Moony, my nerd friend," Sirius laughed, "watch out for that one." His
eyes flicked to the discarded book on the desk. "It has a thing for pretty
beings."
===============================================================================
March 1976
 Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory, Hogwarts
If not for the ache in his bones and the hammering in his head, he wouldn't
have let go. He would have blown up like never before and maybe, even possibly,
continued to throttle Sirius Black. He remembered his fingers around his
throat. Barely bruising him, but all the same choking him. The intent had been
there — the murderous desire to strangle his best friend.
Reckless, stupid and selfish. That were the three words that he used about his
friend, not even the same words he had thought earlier when he had rushed to
his defence. Then it had been brave, handsome and witty.
Remus attempted to calm the rage inside of him, the storm that had broken as
soon as his mind returned and brought back the memories of the night before,
the moon before. He wasn't sure he could ever sleep again and not see those
terrified eyes of the man he detested.
Even if he hated him, he had never wished him to see a monster; a real,
ferocious monster.
Hours before he had descended to the willow. A screaming match. Slytherins vs.
Gryffindors. Snape vs. Lupin, with a side of Black and Potter. As usual, the
grease-haired Slytherin had used his bitter tongue to hurt him, to hint at what
he was, and it had angered Sirius, more than Remus had ever seen him before.
He wished he had known that, "You'll pay, Snivellus," had meant what it did.
Remus would have put a stop to it; Remus would have told someone to throw
Sirius into detention, instead of shattering worlds that had been perfect
before. Well, as close to perfect as they could be. Normal. They had been
normal; untouched and not ruined by the sight of a werewolf.
Professor Dumbledore had come to see him only an hour ago, hammering on about
bought silence and that Hogwarts was safe for him. All Remus could think of was
how unsafe it was for others, especially now one of the students had uncovered
his secret.
Remus wasn't sure how he felt about knowing Snape had been made to keep quiet,
but he didn't do much to protest it. Some Gryffindorhe was. Part of him felt
like that was the harder thing to live with; not Sirius being a dick, somehow
that had been expected.
He had wandered the castle for half an hour before he climbed the numerous
staircases in the hope that he'd be left alone — he was, until he reached
Gryffindor tower. There, three best friends, shoulder to shoulder, stood before
him. James looked as furious as Remus felt, Peter looked a mix of shame and
worry, but Sirius...
There was no thought, no rational care as he stormed across the room and
tackled the man to the carpet, his fingers scratching at the tanned flesh,
hoping to mark, hurt, do something to him; just so he felt he had done
something. Shouts of "I'm sorry Moony,"and "I didn't mean for Snape to go down
there", that was when he let go.
Remus just let go. He turned his head, meeting the grey eyes he loved and
seeing someone around them he didn't like. "Then why did you tell him to go
down there? Why did you tell him how to find me?" To Remus, it was simple —
jealousy, stupidity and a lack of moral fibre. To Sirius, it was the hardest
question he had been asked, ever. He didn't speak, and Remus watched the cogs
in Sirius' mind turn and turn with only blank panic in his eyes. "You told me I
had nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Yet you told him to go down there. Your
friend, the werewolf."
He felt sick. Dizzy. Remus stood awkwardly from the floor, kicking off a hand
that he hoped was Sirius'. A part of him wishing he had broken bones. He knew
he was too fragile for that, for it all. His fingers grasped stone, pulling
himself up the twisting staircase as he heard begging shouts of "Sorry" and "I
didn't mean it". Except, Remus didn't believe him. Not anymore.
His eyes were trained on the ceiling, his mind wandering, creating imaginary
situations that he may never face, and an anger swirling inside his chest that
he hadn't been prepared for. His fingers clenched the sheets. If he wasn't
harbouring feelings for the very man who had started all of this, would his
reaction have been different? Would he have found some Gryffindor bravery? Or
was it that there was no bravery in a monster like him, and that normality and
friendship meant more to him than what was right?
"Moony? Are you there?" Sirius said quietly, almost afraid, the voice cutting
through his thoughts like a knife. "Moony… I'm sorry."
Sorry.
Remus snorted to himself. It was a word with so much meaning, and yet it didn't
feel as such, he felt empty.
He was mad at Sirius for a lot of things. Remus was furious that the anger
inside of him made him want to do something reckless. He was annoyed that he
had allowed Sirius to bother him, to get close to him and affect him the way he
did. Most of all, Remus was beyond explainable words but he knew it was
something colossal, because he couldn't stop thinking about kissing him. Remus
could not stop thinking about pressing his lips against Sirius' and showing him
how angry he was.
Remus wasn't sure it was healthy. He wasn't even sure it was right. He liked
girls, he did. Except he liked Sirius. He really quiteliked Sirius — until now,
when he didn't.
"I'm selfish, I was so selfish, so pigheaded," Sirius mumbled from the other
side of the curtain.
Remus sighed because there was little else he could say. Sirius had known the
implications, he had known the danger — and as usual, he had chosen to ignore
it. He was irrational and selfish, and Remus hated that he liked that about
him.
Sirius wasn't careful. He didn't always think things through and he was the
first one to rush into battle to protect his friends. He was also the same
person who would get others into danger — and so Remus was mad all over again.
As soon as he had convinced to forgive Sirius, he got mad at him all over
again.
It was a vicious cycle, and that was why he sighed.
"You could have gotten me exposed." The words rolled from his lips before he
could stop them, before he could change them to make them seem less… self-
centered.
"I know… I am truly sorry."
Remus hated that he knew he was honest. He could feel it, sense it. It didn't
fix the pieces of him that were damaged from fear or douse the concerns he had
about his future — but he was sorry, and Remus knew he meant it.
He's your friend, his mind whispered, you have to forgive him, because who else
do you have?
He rolled over onto his side, hoping to ignore the world for another moment.
His eyes closed, and the flashes of what he could remember pulsated through him
and he wasn't sure if he could ever unsee those fearful eyes. Or forgive the
grey ones that broke his heart. All Remus could hear, even in the thick
silence, were the screams of someone begging for help. He knew they were
fabricated by his own imagination, but it didn't silence them, and it didn't
stop them from piercing his mind.
Everything ached. His chest had become so tight he struggled to breathe. His
heart ached so much, because before last night all he had wanted to do was kiss
Sirius and hope it worked out for the best. His bones ached from a disastrous
full moon, his mind pounded from trying to run from reality. All of it was so
desperately rooted down within him, he became confused all over again, not
knowing whether to forgive or not.
Now he was scared of Sirius; of how little he meant to him, and so he closed
his eyes, silently sobbing because he wasn't over his heart — and he wasn't
under Sirius. He was alone; just like he always was.
===============================================================================
 
***** Cocks and Skirts *****
Chapter Summary
     Remus makes Sirius pay, before the two find themselves on the same
     page, at last.
Chapter Notes
     Thank you so much to my beta, LeanaM. She is teaching me so much,
     fills me with praise, and her reaction to this chapter was
     everything. I love you.
                                 Chapter Four
                               Cocks and Skirts
===============================================================================
March, 1976
 Great Hall, Hogwarts
Remus made him pay. He made him pay good, and horribly.
Sirius had never felt more sick to his stomach than he did wheneverRemus was
around. Those green eyes, the puddles he could lose himself in, were always
harsh and empty when they glared at him. If Sirius even dared to lose himself
in them, they would pierce him, grazing his soul with a sharp knife that
attempted to slice all he was, had been, and would ever become.
He knew that an apology — or grovel — wouldn't cut it. Remus was practical,
logical, and damn right stubborn when he wanted to be, but this situation was
more than a small prank gone wrong that would threaten the 'precious' badge
which sat on that chiselled chest; this had been life and death. Murderer or
monster.
Even dinner times had become fraught, James and Peter staring from one to the
other not sure who to speak to first, or what conversation to begin to help
mend the tension. James, like the person he was, stood by his side, but
continued to berate him for what he had done wrong — not like he didn't know
it. Peter stuck to Remus' side, talking to him in tiny whispers and helping
Remus with whatever he was struggling with.
He hated that the most. It was that what stung the most.
Sirius had no idea what kept Remus up so late in the Common Room or what forced
him to get up so early in the morning. Sirius knew it wasn't Prefect rounds, he
knew the man's timetable better than he knew his own. He had attempted to ask
when they had walked down the corridor together at one morning, hoping with
others around he might get an answer.
He didn't. A muttered "So you can use me as a prop?" or "Why do you care?" was
usually the response he got before the sandy-haired male would storm off in the
opposite direction.
At night, when Remus failed to return, Sirius poured over the map, watching his
tiny dot move in patterns around the library or the third floor. It didn't
matter how desperately Sirius wished he would return to the dormitory, he
didn't. Not until everyone was asleep, at least.
'The freeze', as James had decided to call it, went on for a solid two weeks
before he began to notice some thawing on Remus' part. He noticed fractures in
the ice wall when McGonagall berated him for being 'depressing to look at'
during detention. It seemed that moment began to warm whatever coldness had
grown around Remus' heart, and for that alone, Sirius would be grateful for his
Head of House.
It started with a small gesture — borrowing notes from classes, he should have
been attention in — and worked up to Remus passing the mashed potatoes at
lunch. Sirius grinned for the rest of the afternoon and it wasn't until Remus
raised his eyebrow at him, truly showing that he was working towards forgiving
him, that Sirius threw his arms around him and cheered loudly at the back of
the class.
He didn't care that he received another detention, with anotherProfessor; he
didn't mind that everyone laughed and Snape muttered something bitterly to
Avery beside him — Remus hadn't fought the arms around him, quite the opposite;
it felt, to Sirius at least, that the man had moved into them.
Remus hadn't even commented afterwards that he had gone too far, like he
usually would.
Sirius had his friend back, the rest of what he desired would wait — he had
missed his friend too much.
===============================================================================
May, 1976
 Hogwarts Grounds, Hogwarts
Remus Lupin was a coward.
Not always. He most definitely hadn't been one when he stood up to a seventh
year Slytherin who was picking on a first year Hufflepuff on his Prefect
rounds. Remus had been rather brave when he had forced Sirius and James to
actually study a month before exams started 'for the first time in their
lives'.
Maybe not even earlier when he looked down at the parchment as he took his
Defence Against the Dark Arts exam. Usually one to hide from even the topic of
werewolves, this time, Remus smirked, realising he had an advantage and for
once saw a small positive in the beast he became once a month. He hadn't been a
coward then, no, he had been someone who faced his fears head on, even if it
was short-lived and only for one exam.
He had carried on that confidence as he left the exam, two friends to his left,
one to his right, and continued out into corridors that would lead them to the
grounds of Hogwarts. Remus wore a grin that couldn't be taken by anyone. They
teased, of course, but he embraced it, feeling the joy over their last exam and
surviving another year, after all they had been through.
"Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the
Entrance Hall.
"Loved it," Remus said briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf.
Excellent question."
"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock
concern, his hand on his chest and the other on Remus' shoulder. Others would
have thought he was serious, but Remus saw that glint in his eyes, the one of a
prankster at heart.
"Think I did," said Remus seriously. The four joinied the crowd thronging
around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's
sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus
Lupin..."
"Oh bloody Godric's," Sirius said before lowering his voice, "Are you… a
werewolf?"
The four had laughed, and Remus had basked in it. He smiled as he met grey eyes
and felt something explode in his chest similarly to a firework, but much
bigger, much brighter. James dug his hand into his shoulder, bruising joy into
his skin, but it was a mark Remus would gladly wear. Then he felt Peter stumble
and fall into him as the laughter overcame his sense of balance, and for a
moment, all was well.
Until it wasn't. Until everything else had become a distant memory and he felt
sick to his stomach. The floor began to sway as he attempted to focus on
anything except the laughter at the expense of another student.
Remus Lupin became a coward.
The man who had already been put through far too much was currently being
strung upside down, and Sirius Black was on the other end of the wand. Sirius
Black, the boy he had chosen to forgive now stood bullying the same boy he had
almost killed. It was wrong. It was worse because Remus was a Prefect and he
knew this, Merlin he knew this.
He felt utterly conflicted. A badge stood boldly on his robes, given to him by
those who trust him, but his bravery was nowhere to be found. His friends,
looking at him for support, but his feet wouldn't move because his head knew
this was wrong. It was all wrong. Every last moment of it.
Remus should move. His feet should step across the grass. He should swish his
wand and relieve Snape's torture, but somehow, he couldn't. Frozen by fear;
locked into place by grey eyes that darkened as Sirius shifted into a person
that Remus couldn't abide, but would never leave.
The three of them. James, Peter, and Sirius stood around the upside down
Severus Snape and he couldn't stand with them, but he couldn't turn against
them.
Friends. That was what he had. Something he never thought he would get, ever,
not even one. He had three, three mismatched friends that loved him despite
what he became once a month. To intervene would enforce loneliness, and he
wasn't sure, as the man and not the wolf, could do that to himself. Even if he
knew it was right.
Remus Lupin was, and always would be, a coward. He realised it, because if he
had to choose between what was right and his friends, he'd pick his friends. He
knew that was cowardly, wrong and disgraceful.
Even as Lily burned daggers into him, his hands shoved into his pockets as his
eyes grazed the ground and that sick, floor-sliding sensation returned. When he
felt the heat of his cheeks beginning to burn, and suddenly feeling his
forehead dampen, it still didn't wake the senses to how wrong this was, and if
that didn't, then nothing could. As Lily's anger-laced words didn't affect his
two friends, Remus knew he should have stepped up.
Peter knocked elbows with him, the two sharing a brief look that Remus knew
meant they should have stopped it. They should have done something more. Remus
should have done something.
They didn't. He didn't. Lily did.
Her words left holes in the happiness that had once been. The word that left
Snape's lips left shreds in anything that could have resembled joy, and stole
it like sound stolen from a room. The word had inflicted rage in James, his
hissing and spitting at Snape calling Lily a Mudblood should have fired Remus
into the same rage. His friend. His lovely, red-haired friend had been called a
word far worse than beast, and yet he only stood there, hands in his pockets,
unable to move.
James shouted as he tried to go after her. Snape sulked back to the castle with
venom in his eyes. That, at least, was an improvement on fear, but didn't
settle Remus one bit. There was a storm brewing, a separation of boys from men,
and a world that wished to tear them apart as soon as they left. Remus could
feel it in the air, his nose twitching under the thunder infused air that had
been left in the wake of Lily Evans, and somehow he suspected that no one would
be left unscathed from it.
What bothered Remus the most was how Sirius was unfazed, uncaring for what he
had done. He saw no wrong in it, once again, and he realised bitterly that 'The
Freeze' had taught Remus very little. It stung more than he would care to
admit, making him wonder if his feelings had even meant anything to Sirius.
Sirius nudged him, a grin slowly growing on his face and Remus knew it was
wrong, but he laughed all the same, right on cue, as they watched James hurry
to the castle after Lily. James always chased Lily, always attempting to make
it right, when he could just stop doing wrong things that made her mad in the
first place. Remus wondered if Sirius could ever do that for him; put things
aside and just grow up.
Remus Lupin was, is and would always be a coward, he knew that as he let Sirius
wrap his arm around his shoulders and he turned into the warmth. He felt a part
of his brain shame him for liking being so close to the male, but another part
brightened at being close to the very person who brought him happiness.
Remus, in all of this inner quarrelling, also knew that to lose a friend was
one thing - to lose someone you loved was another. He wasn't sure he could
survive the fallout if he rocked the boat and spoke up, so he said nothing and
hoped he'd be able to live with what he had chosen.
===============================================================================
May, 1976
 Gryffindor Common Room, Hogwarts
Remus ran his finger over the top of his bottle, the other party-goers of
Gryffindor leaving for the night - the random night that had sparked a party to
celebrate the end of OWLs. "That girl was pretty," he said as he attempted to
make his voice sound placid.
Sirius raised his brow, a knitted confusion he would have masked if he was
sober. "You talkin' to me again then?" Remus held back the blush at being
called out. "Was she?" He shrugged with indifference. "I hardly noticed."
It wasn't the strangest thing that had happened. To be truthful, there had been
plenty of things that had changed inside the raven-haired man, his interest in
females was just one of them. Since the attack after the exam, and the brutal
dressing down from Lily Evans, Sirius had refrained from giving his usual snide
remarks towards the Slytherins if they provoked first. Sirius' general
temperament seemed to have mellowed and he wasn't sure if it had anything to do
with the threatening conversation Remus had briefly overheard him having with
James.
"You talking to that many pretty girls now that you don't notice one in front
of you?" Remus chuckled, pretending his heart slamming into his chest.
He knew he was skating on thin ice; he knew he was dancing with danger. There
would be nothing in this conversation that would help his devastated heart and
so he took a small breath to calm the nerves. He didn't know why he wanted to
continue, but the alcohol and swirling questions were suffocating his normal
thinking mind, and the devil on his shoulder ruled for once.
He licked his lips and tried to look indifferent. "Or kiss for that matter…"
Remus grimaced at the words that left his mouth. He had to gothere, didn't he.
A splutter sounded from beside him, coughs filling the room as Sirius attempted
to catch his breath. "I kissed onegirl," Sirius snarled as he laced his mouth
with more Firewhisky. "And, if I'm honest, it was fuckin' dreadful."
Remus, who was trying not to hide his glee by hiding his lips behind his hand
and focusing his eyes on the empty fire, and the scorch marks from the flames
usually present in winter. A bubble erupted in his chest, spreading out like
the fire he was imagining; the orange and red circling one another, sizing
themselves up as they did their never-ending routine - just like he was
currently doing with his feelings and filling him from head to toe.
"Silence is true wisdom's best reply," Sirius mumbled.
Remus frowned, his head turning slowly to meet the storm brewing in Sirius'
eyes. "That's…"
"– Euripides. That old poet dude."
"Greek poet," Remus corrected. "But… Why?"
Remus tried not to drool at the smirk plastered across Sirius' face, the dark
hair framing his face, a mixture of merriness and flirtation in his eyes. It
was worse because he had dipped his head, and his silver eyes were looking up
at him just slightly and Remus was sure the temperature in the room went up
several degrees.
Sirius brushed his long hair from his face, his eyes tracing the ceiling as he
attempted to scramble his thoughts into a coherent sentence. "I'm wondering how
often I have to do this… Debacle. Because, Moony, I think we'd both be far
happier if - well - we just faced the music, so to speak." Remus watched as
Sirius pulled out his wand, his eyes following his movements as he sent blue
flames where the fire usually was. "You looked… cold."
Remus swallowed thickly as Sirius licked his lips, softly, purposefully as
though he was sending a message. Only, Remus didn't have the tools to figure it
out. The song on the enchanted box, that had been blasting out Wizarding folk
music by a band that Remus didn't recognise, suddenly became louder, filling
the air with a much softer song.
"Well, that, and that confusion looks fuckin' handsome on you," Sirius chuckled
as he shuffled down further into the cushion.
Remus, entirely lost for words, opened and closed his mouth twice before
spluttering, "Handsome?"
"Fuckin' handsome I think I said," Sirius smirked, "Yes, yes I did."
"Sirius…"
Instead of reacting, the man simply smiled one of his trademark grins. "You're
so clever, Moony. Put the wand and the spell together now."
"You?"
"Me," Sirius smiled triumphantly. "So to speak, I am still a whore but not with
skirts, with cocks."
The statement, the openness of his words caused Remus to choke on the liquid he
had tried to take to calm himself. As he spluttered, losing words and air he
felt Sirius press his hand to his back ready to knock the wind out or into him
- he didn't know. The touch itself seemed to freeze his entire body. The
choking seized, his blood ran cold and his muscles tensed instantly. The only
thing Remus heard or felt was his pulse in his neck, his heart in his ears and
the knot building in his stomach.
For months he had wrestled; for weeks he had been confused about what to do —
all along he could have been kissing him. All that time he could have been
wrapped up in Sirius.
Was this what had changed? Had he learnt to… embrace himself? he thought to
himself, but then he thought of all the things Sirius had said in the past, and
none of them ever indicated that he had been confused by anything. If anything,
Sirius was the most self-assured person he knew - except when it came to his
family.
There was always one exception to the rule.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Remus asked.
Sirius smirked. "I'm not sure. I didn't see any reason to, it doesn't change
me. I'm still me. Then for a while I was unsure, y'know? But then, I saw this
bloke - so handsome - and it confused me because I had seen him so many times
but that day, all I could think of was how much I wanted to press myself
against him. So, the deal was sealed so to speak."
The question sat there, hanging between them. If Remus asked it, he knew it
would change them either for the better or the worse. If he didn't ask, it
would be here every single time they met again and it would be brought up and
tarnished.
So he said something different, something that would be just as honest as what
Sirius gave him. "I like girls," Remus said, and as he did, the room deflated.
The sparkle in the grey eyes stopped shimmering, the storm stopped swirling,
and Remus grinned at his power; at the confidence he was just given. "I think
anyways. I'm not - well - I'm not sure. But," - He watched as his eyes widened
before him - "There's this guy I'm friends with who, well for a while, I've
just wanted to…"
Sirius adjusted himself, moving to the edge of the sofa, a bead of liquor on
the corner of his lip that Remus wanted to swipe off with his tongue.
"Wanted to what, Moony?"
Remus swallowed. "Well…" His heart banged against his ribs, against his soul as
he edged closer. Their eyes locked in a race of who would break first, who
would take the first leap. "Padfoot?"
"Yes," he said breathlessly. Their faces were so close together they could
taste one another's breath, the mix of the evening's liquor swirling between
them.
"Taste your lips," Remus said, a mischievous smile passing over his face. He
felt him move closer, their eyes not leaving the other.
"I've wanted to hear you say that for so fuckin' long," Sirius groaned as he
met Remus' mouth with such passion it scorched him, it owned and empowered him.
Their lips moved as if they were familiar with one another. Remus swept his
tongue over the whisky covered lips and moaned into his mouth.
If his eyes hadn't already been closed, he was sure they would have rolled back
in utter bliss. It only got better as they both let go, hands in one another's
hair; Sirius tugging at his sandy-brown locks as Remus gripped his side with
all his might, never wanting to let go.
The logs crackled in the fireplace before them but it was the warmth from their
own skin touching that truly warmed the room. They were burning, cascading fire
all around them as though their spark caused an inferno.
Afraid that if he did let go, if he parted their lips and allowed air to
separate them, he'd never have this chance again. Remus didn't want that. He
had been needing this, wishing and dreaming of Sirius; nights spent wondering
if he'd ever feel these lips and wishing with all he had that he wouldn't wake
up and find it was a dream. It was reality now, though. Sirius was kissing him,
and he was pausing and worrying, and overthinking.
Sirius seemed to sense the tirade of thoughts, breaking from his lips and
smiling as his teeth bit down on Remus' lower lip softly before letting it go
with a flick of his tongue.
"If this is a dream, don't fucking wake me up."
Remus smirked proudly,"I fucking won't," before reconnecting their lips.
===============================================================================
                                      xXx
***** Safety Is Key *****
Chapter Summary
     The Summer break changes Sirius, and Remus isn't sure how to cope.
     [Warning of home-abuse mentioned]
Chapter Notes
     Thank you so much to my beta LeanaM for helping me and editing this,
     you mean the world to me.
                                 Chapter Five
                                 Safety Is Key
===============================================================================
May 1976
 Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory, Hogwarts
Sirius was waiting. He occasionally licked his lips, not needing to meet Remus'
face to know that it was burning— he could sense it, even from where he was.
They were both waiting, hoping, praying, that James would leave in a second to
go to detention.
He wanted to call out that even he wasn't foolish enough to get detention so
close to the end of the school year — but Sirius wanted him to leave, so he
didn't. He didn't need his friend to linger any longer, not when the lustful
feeling for the man opposite him was growing at an increased rate. Remus.
The door finally clicked into the frame, and they were finallyalone. Sirius
jumped from his bed, crossing the room and they met in a fit of arms, waists
and hands. The kiss, that had lasted an eternity between them and had seemed so
long ago now — even though it had only been last night — was in both their
thoughts, or so Sirius hoped.
"You're adorable when you're flustered," Sirius teased, pressing a soft,
delicate kiss to Remus' lips. It was nothing like the one in the common room.
Remus smirked, moving his hand over Sirius' shirt covered hip. "You're an
idiot, when you're an idiot."
Sirius moved them both to his bed, the frame creaking at the movement as he
slowly pulled Remus to sit beside him. If Remus didn't want him, he wasn't
showing it. His eyes moved furiously from his lips to his eyes, and Sirius
basked in the emerald stare.
"I don't know whether to ask you, or… just kiss you."
"Are you ser – for real?" Remus said, correcting himself and Sirius could tell
he was getting flustered if he was making those kinds of mistakes. "You just
kissed me, without asking may I add, but now you wanna be polite about it?"
"Well, I didn't kiss you the way I want to," Sirius smirked, wiggling his
eyebrows.
It crossed his mind to wait for Remus to invite him to do just that, to kiss
him, to bite down on his lip and run his fingers through his sandy-hair. Sirius
wasn't usually known for pleasantries and politeness, never having been one to
ask anyone for permission to do anything.
All of a sudden, though, he had become nervous, and Sirius Black was nota
nervous soul. He could feel the pulse in his neck and hear the blood rushing in
his ears. He closed his fists, the palm of his hand had become clammy.
He was a confident, handsome knight who never fell at the whisper of danger,
and yet, here he was, worrying about… nothing!Sirius smiled proudly, faking
confidence as he attempted to boost himself, and he remembered that Remus was
still staring.
"Fuck it," Sirius muttered, before taking hold of the man's face and moulding
their lips together.
They were kissing. They were making out ruthlessly, unapologetically and,
almost, animalistically. One animal and one animagus battling for dominance,
falling against the mattress, their hands tracing the other, committing each
shape, each line to memory.
It was more than Sirius thought it would be — especially after the sheer
hotness of their kiss last night. It was profound, artistic and body quaking.
Remus' lips were softer than silk, yet his movements were more dominant than to
he had expected and the two juxtapositions sent Sirius into a freefall of
insecurity.
He fucking loved it, though. If he was honest, he fucking loved kissing Remus
above all other activities — and that was a huge deal.
A huge deal that should scare him, but while his lips were attached to Remus'
mouth nothing seemed to scare him. Nothing. Not even his mother and her
oppressive opinions, not the looming darkness that had occasionally come out at
night to get him — Remus vanished them all.
"Come home with me," Sirius moaned between their kissing.
Remus, who was clutching his face ever so delicately, pulled his lips back,
tilting his head as he looked at him. "I hardly think your parents will be
thrilled with you coming home with a pet."
"Is that what I'm calling you?" Sirius smirked and he watched a light flicker
in Remus' eyes. "Because while your furry-little-arse is gorgeous, I'm not sure
I want you as a pet. You seem like you'd be quite demandingof my time on four
legs, with all the scratching and biting you enjoy doing. Although it is only
once a month."
Ignoring him, Remus sighed. "So what would I be coming with you for?"
Sirius leant forwards, closing the gap, his teeth nipping at Remus' lower lip.
He wasn't sure what to say, and while he knew he had waited a long time to do
exactlywhat he was doing at this moment, he didn't know where it would take
them.
"My moon-loving friend?" Sirius responded.
Remus raised his brows, his hand falling from his face and Sirius hoped he
hadn't upset him. He hoped they were alright, and before he had a chance to pay
attention to the smile on Remus' face, he was already thinking of a way to make
it up to him.
"I hate the moon, Padfoot," Remus said, his tone playful and the sound of it
settled the anxious bubble in Sirius' stomach.
Sirius dipped his head a little, only enough to stop their lips from meeting,
but not enough to cloud his face with his hair. "Let me have your lips then."
"I'm more than lips," Remus said dryly.
"Of course you are, good on you for thinking that," Sirius teased as the man
groaned, playing with the buttons on Remus' shirt. "I like kissing you, Moony."
As soon as the words left his mouth, he only hoped that he wouldn't be left too
vulnerable for too long. A chill ran down his spine, his mouth shut with a snap
as the realisation dripped down over his skin, panic beginning to eat away at
his confidence. What ifRemus didn't enjoy kissing him? What if this had been a
one-night thing only — a drunken one-night thing at that?
"Do you really?" Remus asked, a face full of fear and question.
He realised that he wasn't the only one worrying, he wasn't the only one unsure
of what all of this meant. Sirius enveloped Remus' hand with his own, bringing
them closer together, attempting to reassure both of them without saying a
word. Sirius had never done anything so intimate before in his life, and he
almost freaked out that he did, but with Remus, it felt right, perfect, needed.
"Everything I said was the truth. I hate, well not hate cause that seemed
dramatic, and I am never dramatic," Sirius said, fake rolling his eyes. Remus
laughed, sparking a joy in Sirius to continue. "I still wish I hadn't waited
till now to do it — especially since you've been a huge fucking distraction all
year. I don't regret kissing you, and, if you'd allow me, Sir Moony, I'd like
to kiss you more."
Remus' nose and cheeks blushed brightly, and even without a word being uttered,
Sirius knew he was agreeing.
"I like kissing you too," Remus said, and their lips met, softer this time, the
same battle for dominance ensuing, and Sirius knew he couldn't last all summer
without him, even if it was too soon to admit to such things.
 
===============================================================================
September 1976
 Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory, Hogwarts
Remus closed the door behind him, resting against it for a minute as he waited
for something, anything, and found silence was all that washed over him. He
watched Sirius continue to fold his clothes, something Remus had never seen him
do, and barely acknowledge that he had entered the room. Something that
happened whenever Remus found they were alone without the others.
Since Remus had returned to Hogwarts, it had been non-stop. The secret that
rested between both James and Sirius was suffocating him without him even
realising - he felt left out, as if he wasn't privy to the secret and while he
knew his woes were pathetic, Remus wasn't able to silence them. It had been
weeks since he had seen Sirius at the Potters, never mind being close enough to
kiss him. And the last and only time they'd done thathad been before the
summer. It had been days since they had been back here, at the safest place in
the wizarding world - and yet he felt more at risk than ever of being hurt.
Did he regret it,was that why he avoided him so purposefully?
When the moon had neared at the beginning of term, taking over and making his
whole body throb with heightened emotions, his anger had risen. Whatever he was
to Sirius, whether a friend or just someone he had needed that night, he
deserved to know why Sirius now resided with the Potters, and why Regulus
couldn't make eye contact with him.
"Padfoot," he whispered. Sirius sighed quietly to himself before he looked up
and the tension thickened between them.
Remus felt his demeanour change, his eyes softened for a brief moment before
hardening as though Sirius could read his mind. A deep ache was growing in his
abdomen, intensifying when he noticed the exposed hip as Sirius leant back on
his bed.
"Can we… Can we not do this, not right now?"
The scent of that aftershave mixed with Sirius' own scent suffocated his
thoughts. The anger he had buried after his bones had reset and his muscles had
burned with the transformation seemed to resurface, and it was almost as if he
faced facing a new full moon.
It was more than tense; it was stifling. His head filled with rushed thoughts,
questions and longing, the ache turning into a tight knot of lust and
desperation - Remus felt starved of the man before him; he wasn't sure that the
person he longed for was still in front of him.
Sirius looked riddled with suffering and secrets; tired and broken, something
Remus could relate too.
'Sure', was the word that should have been said. It wasn't. Instead, Remus let
the inner wolf take over and his feet took him across the room. His mind was
overtaken by what his heart wished for, and the smallest part of him - that was
usually the loudest - tried to argue that his conscience wasn't working.
Another side effect of post-moon Moony.
"You can trust me."
Fuck he sounded pathetic, and Remus half expected a glare.
Sirius looked down at his lap, squeezing the sheets with his fingers, grasping
the fabric as Remus watched Sirius' jaw tense. "It's not about trust, it's
about the fact that I don't have the energy to talk about it."
"With me, you mean." The words fell from his mouth before he could collect
them. If he had constantly thought he would lose him, this wasn't helping. If
anything, this was pushing him away.
"Moony –"
Remus shook his head, silencing him. Only as the air between them shifted did
he notice how close he was. Inches away from being stood between his legs;
Sirius' eyes darkening as they looked over, noticing newly acquired scars.
Sirius let out a shuddering breath, his chin meeting his chest as he closed his
eyes. He was wrestling with himself, and the sight nearly took Remus out at the
knees. Whatever confidence was usually emitted, had faded down to nothing - and
he wondered if this was why Sirius hadn't so much as looked at him, never mind
touched him.
In a flash, Sirius stood, pressing their lips together and grabbed at his cheek
and hip. If Remus had been prepared, he wouldn't have gasped and the delightful
pleasure that came with the surprise attack wouldn't have sent shockwaves to
his core.
Every single part of him lit up; every fibre of his body healed at the touch of
the man he hadn't stopped thinking about. It seemed Sirius needed the same,
drinking from him as if he was made from healing balm; his fingers digging into
his hip as though something inside of Remus would fix his woes.
He hoped he could. He wanted to fix the man who had attempted to fix him every
single month even before he had known about his feelings. Remus wanted to heal
him, and so that was why he deepened the kiss.
The animal inside of him pushed back, pressing Sirius' broad back into the post
of his bed. His hands, calloused from monthly transformations, searched for
bare skin, and he groaned at the touch. It was only side and back, but it was
everything.
When their tongues met, he moaned at the taste of mint toothpaste and something
far stronger - Remus was half wondering if the blood in Sirius' body was
actually made of water, or if liquor had replaced it. They fell through the
air, so carefully and recklessly all at once - a true representation exactly
like them; Sirius' back meeting his mattress as Remus straddled him without
question.
"Moony," Sirius whispered, the smallest slice of space between them.
He trailed his fingers over Sirius' skin, leaving goosebumps, until he felt
something irregular, something imperfect upon the perfect.
"Moony," Sirius said again, but with more warning.
Remus' fingers traced it, the line on Sirius' skin. The scar that had healed
badly, painfully. He could read it as though it was one of his own, and the
story it began to tell made his heart beat quicker in his chest. His ears were
throbbing with anger, his nose twitching with annoyance as his fingers
continued to feel and listen to the story that was now a part of a man who
didn't deserve it.
"Remus," Sirius said softly, and it broke the spell, their eyes locking. "I'm
safe."
Two words. Two fucking words, and it was expected to make everything okay. Not
even a sentence and it was meant to silence the questions he had, the words he
wanted to say about the matter.
He hated that they did. He despised that those two words that came from this
man, with those eyes and that face, silenced him. His forehead unfurrowed, his
fingers spreading out over a part of the scar and his palm pressed against it -
scar to scar; broken to broken.
"Not now," Sirius said quietly, his body shifting under Remus as he tried to
get closer to him. Remus hadn't realised he had pulled back in anger at what he
had found. "Please, not today."
"W - when?" The words caught in his mouth. "What - what do you need?"
The four words that every moon were said to him, fingers brushing his hair as
he tried to curl into himself and sob at the pain. Sirius had pressed a soft
kiss against his skin the last two times when they had been all alone, allowing
him to be vulnerable.
"Hold me," Sirius said and a flush of embarrassment at his own need covered his
usually placid, but confident expression.
The sight shattered him. It hurt him more than a moon, and while he may have
wondered what to make of it, his body spoke the answer loud and clear. They
moulded around one another, Remus tracing his fingers over Sirius' forehead and
into his hair as the curtains around them closed. He caught a flicker of his
own closing around his bed, keeping up the element of secrecy and he curled
into him further, feeling safe.
That was what his body whispered. Remus felt safe with Sirius, and Remus wanted
Sirius to feel safe with him, neither realising just how safe the other felt;
neither knowing how their hearts had begun to beat like one, and their blood
ran with the same love.
"I'll always hold you," Remus whispered. He felt the man shake in his arms,
walls crumbling around him as the cutting sound of a sob emerged at his words.
He lifted up, pulling down the jumper that Sirius was wearing so he felt
covered up, and less exposed - it would be what Remus would want, and he hoped
it would help.
"I'll never let go," Remus continued to say, their fingers somehow entwining
and the tight grasp of Sirius' hand made a single tear fall down his cheek.
"You're safe."
Sirius tightened his hand around his as much as he could, his body shaking,
trembling from fear and the exhaustion to keep up appearances.
"You're safe," Remus repeated, pressing a soft, tender kiss to the man's cheek.
Sirius stilled, freezing at the words and Remus cursed himself. Panic began to
set in - had it been wrong to speak those words, would he be able to retract
them?
Eyes turned to meet his, silver draped in misery with a fleck of hope. "I'm
safe. I'm safe with you."
Remus nodded, his thumb circling Sirius' hand. "You're always safe with me."
 
===============================================================================
November 1976
 The Shrieking Shack, Hogwarts Grounds
It had been painful. Brutal.
Having him here this time was different. It felt different. There was something
in the air, a lust or a need that neither could understand, or admit. The
scents were different and the other two only annoyed Remus more when they
attempted to interact with him, he only wanted to rub against Sirius.
The scent that covered him, all coming from the large black dog, had been
comforting. That was all that Remus had remembered even before his eyes had
opened and the world welcomed him back.
When he woke up, his eyes didn't meet the ceiling of the Hospital Wing, as they
usually did. They also didn't meet the skyline littered with the tops of trees,
like they did in his nightmares. He saw the ceiling of the shack he despised,
and felt a hand on his back; a hand he knew almost as much as he knew his own.
When Remus turned over, pain flooded through him as his body ached more than he
had ever known. He continued to push himself regardless, needing to face him
and see with his own eyes that it was Sirius beside him. That scent, that
fucking, gorgeous scentpushed him and gave him a tolerance for the pain that
was cracking its way through his body.
And there he was.
Picture perfect. Seemingly innocent with his eyes closed, his dark hair falling
around him beautifully. Sirius Black, his lover, and friend. Remus couldn't
help his eyes falling to his lips, watching them pout and he knew he was awake.
In a flash, Sirius had sat up, not flustering the wolf at all - somehow he had
predicted it - and pressed his lips ravenously to his, his body so careful not
to press against Remus' out of fear of hurting him. And it almost felt like
love, although he knew Sirius would never speak such words.
He got lost in the scent, the taste, the feel. He barely had a moment to think
about being naked, pressed against a shirtless Sirius. Remus had only a brief
thought about the hardness in between his leg that was meeting skin, actual
fucking skin, and he pulled back his lips.
Fear. It was the ficklest of things, but it ran through him. It controlled
everythinghe did. It made him overthink, worry. Fear made Remus second-guess
every piece of happiness he acquired: whether he was good enough for his
friends, whether he deserved Sirius. If he even deserved a place at the school.
"This..." Remus blushed. "It isn't normal."
Sirius lifted his lips from his neck and his startlingly dark eyes fixed on
his. "Normal? Moony, you're a fucking wizard, normal isn't on our agenda."
Remus groaned. "I mean, you know what I mean –"
"Your best mate turns into a stag on command. You turned a fucking tea cup into
a bird during Transfiguration. Normal, my Moon-hating-friend, is not in our
lives nor is it welcomed."
He knew it was true. He knew that there was no other excuse he could give. The
heart in his chest hammered that this was right, the mind in his head screamed
that he only felt safe with Sirius and his body practically burned for him. It
had done so since they had first kissed, then when they had kissed again, and
when Sirius had taken him in his mouth he wasn't sure his body would ever
return to normal temperature.
"Does it feel right?" Sirius asked, his hand circling Remus' knee. "Because if
it feels right, who the fuck gives a shit about normal?"
Their eyes met and in that moment, Remus was sure his life passed between them.
He imagined how this could go if he didn't say the right words, and how fragile
this exact moment was if he didn't keep his furry problem under control. His
eyes softened as they delved into the silver pools that were swirling before
him.
"I'm going to kiss you now," Sirius said, his hand weaving into his hair as he
brought their lips closer together. "Then I might kiss you a bit more. I might
then suck your –"
Remus took his lips, silencing the rest of the words as he flashed his eyes at
him. It feels right,he smiled just as their lips touched again. He feels right.
===============================================================================
                                      xXx
***** The Wolf Interpretation *****
Chapter Summary
     Where there is a little lemon from Remus, and James thinks he has
     everything figured out.
     Warning: This chapter and the next have a smut warning.
Chapter Notes
     A huge thanks to my beta LeanaM who is always amazing and kind.
     I'm sorry for the delay in getting the next chapter to you, but here
     it is, and I hope I am forgiven.
     Warnings: There is a little lemon in this chapter (aka smut)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
                                  Chapter Six
                            The Wolf Interpretation
===============================================================================
November 1976
 Library, Hogwarts
Sirius could stare at Remus all fucking day. It wasn't just that the man was
attractive as hell, with his hair falling down over his eyes and the small
smirk Remus did when he read something fascinating, but the little things he
did that shouldn't be watchable at all — like folding and re-folding the
corners of his parchment, lost in thought.
They were things that he hadn't noticed so much about Remus before he had
reciprocated feelings — although he was surprised. Sirius found himself staring
at Remus even when it was inappropriate to do so, like in class, with his nose
crinkled as he listened to another classmate babbling on about the passage they
should have read. Then there was the time when Remus had been annoyed because
his exam score was lower than he aimed, and his forehead creased for most of
the day, distracting the hell out of Sirius.
There were so many things that Sirius couldn't ever remember noticing about
Remus, but his favourite was the way his eyes brightened when something made
sense, surprised him or excited him. A close second was when Remus smiled in
the corner of his lip when he was kissed — but then, he could go on listing
things for an eternity.
Kissing Remus was how teenage love was described in Lily's Muggle literature.
The nauseating happiness that filled a chapter or the continued mentions of
hearts-skipping-beats — basically everything Sirius had teased Lily about when
he stole her book in third year.
Pressing his lips against Remus' was more than a kiss, it was something
explosive — something unexplainable, except he knew it was something big.
Sirius felt like he wanted to mould himself with Remus, like the man was the
missing piece to a puzzle he hadn't known needed solving, but he knew he could
fill it.
It terrified him and excited him all at once. It caused his heart to beat
through his bones, vibrating him whenever Remus was near.
Sirius was more broken than he ever cared to admit. He was disowned, he lived
with someone else's parents and most of the time, if not all, he was a
monumentalfuck up, yet here was Remus — a kind, intelligent man who deserved
far better. While he knew the werewolf didn't think he deserved him, Sirius
wished he could see how important, special and handsome he truly was, but when
Remus looked in the mirror it lied, and it broke Sirius a little each time he
heard Remus put himself down.
That terrified him even more. He cared so much about Remus, even going as far
as worrying about how Remus was feeling or coping; it occupied his mind most of
the day. Sirius had never cared much about anyone else — except his friends, of
course — but Remus was more than a friend now, and his heart knew that.
Sirius, however, was selfish and always had been — up until now. Sirius selfish
Black, they would mutter, not caring about anyone but himself. Sirius didn't
feel he lived up to that middle name any more, just as much as he hadn't lived
up to the one given by his father.
The only times he was selfish was when he hoped to forget, pulling at Remus to
fill the gaps in him, feasting on Remus' lips to stop it all from rising up and
hurting within him. Remus never stopped him; Remus actually seemed to enjoyed
it.
It was clear to anyone who wasn't shattered inside. The two of them were broken
men; they were forced to their knees by an entity that didn't deserve them:
Sirius by his parents, and Remus by the moon. Together, it seemed, they were
far stronger, almost complete as though they needed each other to bring them
back to their feet.
This was the very reason Sirius was sat across from Remus, watching him read a
passage and crinkling his nose, fingers tapping the parchment as Sirius
pretended to be doing anything but staring. Sirius hated the library, but he
didn't hate Remus — he could never hate Remus — therefore he forgave the
library, even if the place didn't need forgiving or for him to even come.
"If you continue to stare at me, I'm going to hex your eyelids shut," Remus
muttered, not looking up to meet his eyes.
If Remus had, he would have seen a darkness in Sirius that screamed for Remus
to touch him.As soon as they had entered the silent space, Sirius wanted to
fill it with loud and provocative noises — why? Because the idea of taking
whatever this wasto the next level, in the very place Remus held sacred, was
the biggest turn-on Sirius could think of.
He couldn't stop the thoughts of pushing Remus against a bookshelf and sucking
him off in the middle of the defensive magic section; mixing Remus' favourite
subject with Sirius' favourite pastime. Sirius especially couldn't stop the
thought of giving Remus carpet burns as he fucked him long and hard, his moans
echoing around the library brightening the place with their music.
"You keep telling me off in that bossy voice, you'll turn me on more than I
am," Sirius smirked. Remus looked up, briefly meeting his eyes before they
moved to watching Sirius' hand drop between his own legs, adjusting the growing
erection. He prayed for a blush, for a burn of eyes that meant Remus begged
Sirius to light him on fire. "I have these thoughts —"
"Well," Remus said, returning his eyes to the page, "I'd keep them to
yourself."
Sirius placed that hand on the table — and it caught Remus' eye once more.
Sirius slowly began tapping his fingers against the wood, and he was sure he
saw hairs on Remus' neck stand as Sirius began to circle them, just as he
usually did on Remus' lower back. It was a uniquesignal, but one that got the
message across.
"Padfoot," Remus warned.
"Moony," Sirius said innocently.
He didn't think Remus snap. He didn't think he would slam the book close and
make Sirius jump — but he did — and all without the use of Sirius' next step;
the match was lit and Remus' eyes were glowing between green and grey.
Before Sirius knew it, he was pacing after Remus down the second-floor
corridor. The door of the library slammed behind them, echoing down the
deserted hallway — neither realised it was close to curfew.
Sirius chased, turning around a corner after Remus — hoping the Charms homework
was long forgotten. When he turned Remus pushed Sirius into an alcove, his lips
taking every thought and breath, leaving him with shivers up his spine and a
constricting bulge in his trousers.
The moon, Sirius had realised, was a lot closer than he had first thought and
the teasing of the man had spurned the wolf to take over, but Sirius didn't
hate it — he quite enjoyed it. Remus had given in, letting himself lose control
and take whatever he needed and wanted to take — which was exactly what Sirius
wanted. He wanted to be taken; he wanted to burn against Remus, and feel like
flames.
Hands began tearing at Sirius' shirt, pulling it up before Remus' hands began
to rise up his hips, grasping for more contact, pulling their bodies flush.
Sirius locked his hand in Remus' hair, prising Remus' lips open with his tongue
before he felt the vibration down his throat of their joint moan dancing
between their mouths.
Sirius wanted Remus naked. He wanted to trace every part of Remus with his
lips, and mark him with bites and bruises — a thought he had never had before,
but it thrilled him. The idea of making those irises flash emerald as Remus
moaned his name, was a fantasy that had gotten Sirius off in the shower far
more often than he'd ever admit.
The two of them were lost in one another. So much so, that Sirius didn't notice
the bold move of Remus undoing his fly, until his fingers were teasing at his
length through his boxers. Sirius clamped his teeth down on Remus lower lip, a
thumb brushed over the leaking head, and Sirius pleaded internally for skin on
skin contact.
He got more. Sirius got way more.
"Put a charm up."
"Huh?" Sirius asked, his mind filling with fog as his trousers fell to his
knees.
Remus stared into his eyes. The hunger there was daunting, but beautiful. "Put
a charm up Sirius." His tone was so calm, it made Sirius whimper.
He was always calm.
"Ever the considerate," Sirius smirked. "Always thinking of others –"
"— Put up. The fucking. Charm," Remus said with a glint in his eyes that made
Sirius gain knots in his stomach.
Sirius did as he was told. Mainly because Remus — who was known for being the
better one of the four of them — had asked, but the thrill of being wanked off
in a corridor was doing something to him that he hadn't expected. That was
until he realised exactly what was about to go off.
Cold air met his soaked tip, a shudder going straight to his cock as it
twitched in the air, but before he could complain he felt warmth spread down
it, only reaching half-way before Sirius threw open his eyelids and not see
Remus. This. This was unexpected. The innocent, seemingly nervous Remus had his
mouth around his cock, and he didn't know whether to place a comforting had in
his hair or moan in glee.
He got his answer made for him as a tongue swept over him and Sirius shuddered,
Remus' laugh vibrating around his member. Sirius grasped at the alcove wall,
disappointed that there was no ledge and it was as Remus took him entirely in
his mouth that his knees nearly buckled.
A firm hand met his exposed hip, Remus' thumb circling the skin — just as
Sirius did to him — and he suspected payback; Sirius suspected that Remus was
attempting to take the lead. The hand pinned him to the wall, thankfully,and
while the stone was cold against his exposed rear, the sensation was welcomed.
Every suck, every lick sent a wave of pleasure through Sirius that he couldn't
contend with. If kisses were like explosions, this was like self-detonation
because everything in him was fuzzy and set to melt to nothing.
He could feel the wave come crashing down, and still Remus didn't slow — if
anything, he sped up. He tightened his hold on Sirius' hip. All of a sudden,
Remus softly brushed his lips against the head of the cock as he tentatively
touched him between his legs — and Sirius moaned like a banshee.
If the charms weren't up, he was sure he would have woken the dead never mind
the school. The fact that right now, the man he had dreamed of was sucking him
off in a corridor was more than a fucking fantasy, it was actually real! He
could touch his hair, he could roll his hips into his mouth and it was
everything. It was all it could be and more. Still.
The hand on Sirius' hip tightened, the two of them moving seamlessly as all
thoughts, breathing and consciousness surrendered and Sirius felt himself
release his pleasure into Remus hot, perfect mouth. He was floating, something
nicer than water comforting him and something more glorious than waves crashing
around him.
Bliss. That was all he could think of. He, Remus Lupin, was blissful — he was
happiness.
And he didn't care about the act he had performed when he pulled him into a
searing kiss that expressed all these thoughts. Sirius just wanted him to know
that he was fucking perfect.
===============================================================================
November 1976
 Common Room, Hogwarts
James was impossible. He had always been impossible, but tonight had indeed
taken the biscuit. Remus, who had been minding his own business, basking in the
knowledge that both Sirius and Peter were in detention — he couldn't even
remember for what — had thought that James was foolish enough to be with them.
It was uncommon for Sirius ever to pull off a prank without James.
The fire was crackling, he had hot-chocolate that had been brought by the elves
— Remus suspected Sirius had talked to them to make up for getting himself in
trouble — and a book that had been at the bottom of his trunk since he arrived
here. It was set to be a perfect evening: enter James.
"Moony. Moon-mate. My Moon-Pal. Moon-ay," James chanted, throwing himself
beside Remus on the sofa. "What shall we do, Moony? What, shall we do?"
Remus loved James. He was like the brother he had always wanted but knew he
would have gotten annoyed with. He wasn't as close with James as Sirius was —
Remus connected more with Peter — but they were still brothers. Their love ran
deeper than friends, binding them together as a family, with very little not
shared between them all.
One of the things that wasn't common knowledge yet was Remus and Sirius. Hell,
not even Remus knew. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to ask, but he didn't want
to put too much pressure on them, especially Sirius.
"I was planning on reading, Prongs."
James scoffed. "Reading? You are always reading. Well. When you aren't, you
know?"
Remus could feel sweat building on his neck around his collar, his throat
suddenly tightening and the need to drink something, anything, heightened. "No.
I actually have no clue what it is you are talking about, Prongs."
Fuck, Remus hated lying. It was the one thing he had been told to do by his
parents — which was odd — but it was also the very thing he was good at; he
hated how good he was at lying. It had become second nature when Remus had to
hide what he became, but white lies or social lies, like these, were far worse
— they benefitted no one.
"Being a wolf, silly. You know, ah-ooh," James said, wolf call and all.
He felt the pressure, which had mounted unconsciously, fall from his shoulders.
Remus plastered a smile on his face, kicking his brain into gear to hide how
panicked he was. "Excellent impersonation there, Prongs, have you been
practising?"
"You're an arse; you know that right?"
Remus smirked. "I have occasionally been told, yes."
James adjusted his back against the cushion, his hand sliding into his pocket
as he removed the map. Remus cocked an eyebrow, a smirk mirroring over both
their faces.
"I feel whatever your brain is masterminding is not going to be good for my
badge?"
He heard James laugh, mysterious and confident. "Oh, Moony. You sure you don't
have some wolf-sense for mischief?"
"Pretty sure that is impossible, even in the magical world."
James shrugged, his fingers unfolding the map as the tip of his tongue poked
out of his lips. "Wonder what Sni—"
"Sirius?" Remus interrupted, not wishing to antagonise the Slytherins tonight.
In the months they had been back at school, Snape had been odd with him. Remus
would catch eyes on him, and Snape's would pierce into him for half a second
before looking down. He had wanted to ask what Professor Dumbledore had said to
him, but Remus was a little afraid of the answer — especially from the
expression on Snape's face whenever he was close.
They were both Prefects, never partnered together for rounds — Remus suspected
that had more to do with the Headmaster than the two of them disliking one
another. Although even Remus knew it was far deeper than that, Snape hated him,
resented him and felt contempt for him now — and it didn't sit well with Remus.
"Yeah, yeah," James said, shaking his head as he pulled out his wand. "I
solemnly swear that I, am up to no good."
Remus smirked, shaking his head slightly at the ridiculously long password,
still laughing when he thought of Peter's voice when he came up with it. His
eyes watched the ink spread out from the tip of James' wand, flowing across the
parchment, dots moving and passageways forming on the paper.
James turned to face him, a glint in his eyes that spelt trouble. "How d'you
fancy breaking a couple of idiots out of detention, Moony?"
Remus shook his head and began to remove his badge from his jumper as James
frowned. "Hey, it's one thing to do this knowing I'm a Prefect, but wearing it
too, that's just disrespectful," Remus smirked.
James jumped up to his feet, adjusting his robes as he did. "Let's go get our
boys."
Remus placed the book and his badge on the side table, brushing down his
trousers as he stood. He took one glance at the untouched hot chocolate with a
pang of guilt and yearning. It had been one thing for Sirius to even think of
him, never mind going to the effort to get him a drink out of hours. Staring
down at the liquid, feeling something bubbling in his stomach and a warm
sensation in his chest, Remus realised what he was feeling, and it didn't scare
him as much as he knew it should.
He was, after all, a beast. Having someone like a boyfriend was not something
Remus had ever expected to be on the cards — never mind something the world
would actually granted him. He never expected the intimacy he got with Sirius.
Remus couldn't silence the worries, constantly wondering what it would be like
to lose the closeness with another human — especially one he likes — when
Sirius eventually woke up, and realised he was surrounding himself with a
monster. When he lay in his bed, replaying old memories he wished could be
erased from his mind, turning the clock right back to when his parents told him
what his life would be like, they had never guessed it would be like this. Full
of laughter, happiness, and love. Real, uncontrollable and indescribable love.
It fluttered in his chest, acceptance and acknowledgement; pieces slipping into
place, and the need growing inside of him. He was ready. He wanted, needed
Sirius, and not in the way he had him occasionally in alcoves around the
school.
He wanted it all. He wanted Sirius to be his first, to be his all and his
everything.
James tapped him lightly on the shoulder, a crease over his brow. "Y'alright,
Moons?"
Remus licked his lips, pulling himself from his thoughts and back to the
present, a small smile passing over his lips at his own realisation. "Yeah
'course. Let's, um, let's go get our boys."
===============================================================================
                                      xXx
 
Chapter End Notes
     Come find me on tumblr: JEPierrex
***** Doing It Together *****
Chapter Summary
     Remus and Sirius finally give in to what they both desire.
     **Warning for smut**
Chapter Notes
     A massive huge thanks to DragonandOtters & Jade Presley for their
     help with the next scene, it wouldn't be nearly as beautiful and it
     was one of the first chapters I wrote so this one means a lot.
     Thanks as always to LeanaM for being wonderful, and keeping me on
     track.
                                 Chapter Seven
                               Doing It Together
===============================================================================
December 1976
 Boys Dormitory, Hogwarts
"I want you."
Those words cut through the room. The two of them had been laughing about
something ridiculous that had happened earlier, and then, they just slipped
out. It wasn't that Remus didn't mean them, he did, more than he could explain,
but he had intended to have more tact about it. The two of them had spent the
last few weeks acquainting one another with their bodies, and call it
frustration from longing for Sirius; he wanted to give himself to him —
completely and utterly.
Which, if he was honest, sounded so artificial he knew he couldn't say that.
The fact that he had said it so naturally had sounded just as foreign too, as
though someone had possessed him and said those three words, and now he was
left to lie there with grey eyes piercing into him. He could feel his own heart
thumping in his chest. Sirius' hand paused in its ministrations on his hip as
he slowly began to frown.
Dear Godric, he didn't believe him.
Sirius cleared his throat, and it sounded deafening in the silence. It broke
through the thick layer that Remus had created and left an oddness to their
surroundings he couldn't quite explain. He had ruined it; he knew he had. He
had stupidly said too much, and now they would be over — whatever they were.
"You - you want me?" Sirius said, looking puzzled. Remus opened his mouth to
speak, but the words caught in his throat like his breath, confidence and
everything else. "You - Are you sure?"
Remus let out a shuddering sigh as his eyes darted around the room, and he
remembered like lyrics to a song that never left his mind. "Look at my eyes.
Remember - remember what you said, you know when you, y'know?" The grey eyes
were moving up from looking at his lips to staring deeply into his eyes.
"When I was sucking you off?" Sirius smirked.
There was no tact in that man, and Remus wondered if it was his sole job to
make him uncomfortable.
What he didn't doubt was that his eyes would be amber. It had been the very
thing he had said when his head had travelled south, his tongue darting over
his aching member and Remus had held onto the bookshelf in the library with
such intensity as his mind exploded into ashes. Each thought of Sirius did that
to him; each mid-shower dream did this to him.
"You burn for me, is that right?" Sirius said with a smirk. "You either burn
for me because you're desperate for me or do you just have a problem?"
Words caught in Remus' mouth because surely Sirius didn't think that, he
couldn't. It had been Sirius who had come out with the fire in his eyes,
breathless words being whispered in his ear as he took Sirius' hardness and
tried to fill him with the same bliss he had endured moments ago. Sirius had
been the very person who said that he burned for him, and Remus had agreed
because it was true — he burned for him; he had always burned for him.
"I can hear you worrying," Sirius whispered darkly, his lips taking his and not
allowing him to speak. Sirius spread his fingers up his hips, running his pads
over the hair on his stomach as he slowly followed it down to his belted
trousers.
The weight on the bed shifted as Sirius moved between his legs, and the
flashbacks of them nearly being caught on the sofa in the Common Room filled
Remus with excitement — even if he knew their room was more guarded than
Gringotts. The feel of thighs against his made him hate the clothes that kept
Sirius' skin from him. The raw heat coming off both of them filled the room,
and he doubted the room would ever be cold again — even if the very thought of
this would keep him warm for life.
Their kiss was searing, and taking full advantage of being able to touch him
Remus slipped his fingers under Sirius' shirt and ran his fingers over the taut
muscles of his abdomen, enjoying the hiss elicited from Sirius' mouth at his
touch. Sirius parted his lips: wet, warm heat meeting Remus' as their tongues
brushed over one another, and Remus grasped at his hip knowing what it did to
the man above him.
He couldn't fight the moan that vibrated his throat as Sirius rolled his hips
over Remus', their erections grazing over the other, building rapture; being so
close to one another… the sheer thought sent shivers down his spine in
anticipation. He needed him; he wanted him — more than ever before, and he had
fantasised about the raven haired man often enough.
Their lips parted, and he considered that the sudden fear that darted through
him was more apparent than he realised.
"I - I don't know, I…" Remus trailed off, embarrassment flooding his cheeks, as
Sirius hovered above him, watching him flush. "I don't know what I'm doing."
"Do you trust me?" Sirius leant backwards into his legs, his finger slowly
unbuttoning the shirt that hid Remus' scars. "Do you want this for sure? There
is no pressure..." He paused at the last button, his eyes waiting, needing
permission to continue, and the sight nearly made Remus melt.
How could he put into words how much he wanted this? This man, this handsome
man, had been the question of all he had known since his hormones had kicked
in! Sirius had made him unsure if girls were even of interest when really, it
didn't matter if it was man or girl — he would always best them. He was Sirius.
Sirius infuriating Black who was now hesitating at stripping him.
"What kind of question is that?" Remus said frustratingly, "You're between my
legs for Godric's sake, take off my damn shirt."
Sirius chuckled, low and rich; stormy and safe. "Just... humour me."
Remus tried to lean on his elbow, hoping to get near his face when he caught
the fear in his eyes — the same vulnerability that Remus often saw reflected in
his own. Sirius was terrified of him, in the same way, that Remus was of him —
both so afraid of losing the other, and that annoying question: would this be
too far for their friendship?
"Pads - Sirius, I want this. I want you, alright?" Remus said, needing his tone
to be softer.
The last button popped off, and Remus looked down at his bare stomach, the
scars that littered his muscles that had been through more brutal torture than
others. The skin that had stretched and moulded around something so much more
dangerous than he liked to think. He suddenly felt scared... embarrassed even.
"Don't even fucking think it..." He looked up, trying to hide the look that he
knew was already written over his face. "You're handsome as shit, Moony. You,
are fucking perfection —"
Remus pressed his mouth to his, his fingers sliding into his hair as he brought
the two of them down flat to the bed. Sirius' core pressed against his, the
rush of energy at feeling him so hard for him only urged him on more. He bit,
nibbled, and groaned against Sirius' lips, and the man seemed to relish in his
enjoyment. He knew, horribly, that his inexperience would affect him later, but
for now, he enjoyed being in control.
Their clothes melted from their skins, their bodies desperately in need of
touching though Remus took in the sight of the God that was Sirius Black
without rushing. He wanted to ask why on Earth this man wanted him, but their
lips met as if they were magnets, and fingers ran through hair as mouths
parted, groans filling the air.
It was all heart racing, soft touching, hot kissing and rough moaning as
Sirius' mouth began to move to his neck, down to his chest. He felt his smooth
hands run around his sides, slowly tugging down the last piece of fabric
between them as he felt his desire break free and meet the air. Sirius looked
at it as though it was the greatest gift, and it sent a wave of lust through
Remus.
His fingers began stroking Remus' aching erection between them, and he found
his mind going blank; the fears he had started to let mount were being buried
by Sirius' touch — just as they always were. He may not have had prior
knowledge of how the logistics of this would go — he sure as hell had no idea
how Sirius would fit where he intended to go — but Remus knew that the man
between his legs did, and he trusted him.
Remus attempted to move his hand down between them, wanting and needing to
touch him in the same way when a low growl emitted from the man above, his eyes
darker in shade.
"No," Sirius said purposefully, "I am making you feel good."
"But - but I want to," Remus said purposefully, although the nerves and
building enjoyment at his touches didn't make his voice sound as such.
He smirked — Sirius fucking smirked at him — and that only made a pool of want
spread in his stomach. Remus watched as Sirius licked his lips slowly,
teasingly until his back arched off the bed at the feel of some new,
increasingly pleasurable sensation.
"Sirius - fuck, please! Sirius - ple - oh!"
His hands grasped the sheets and teeth ran up and down his length; he nearly
lost all of his concentration when he felt a soft, but purposeful suck.
The new feeling intensified, and Remus realised with a gasp that it was his
finger; a soft touch upon him that was so unusual but downright perfect. Remus
opened his eyes, not sure when he had closed them, and met a grin that nearly
made him fall off whatever cliff Sirius was holding him over.
"Not yet, do not give in yet," Sirius said as he licked his lips, letting his
throbbing hardness free to the air, and it twitched in arousal. "I want you to
enjoy this," his finger circling the hole, preparing and readying him, "I don't
want to hurt you. Alright?"
Remus felt his mind flash with what he did know, and he wanted to speak, tell
him about the spell; the spell that did that for him and would bring them
together sooner. Somehow he doubted Sirius would want to use that straight
away; he struck Remus as someone who liked intimacy, liked to know that what he
was causing him was all of him only.
Remus grasped the sheet tighter, and he was sure his knuckles were going white.
Time seemed to slow or stop entirely, and the continuous change in pressure and
touch made him hover over a place he hadn't known before. Only then did Remus
feel a cool shiver passing over him as the feel of the preparation spell fell
upon him. Of course Sirius already knew it. He relaxed, knowing what was to
come, how open and ready he truly was for the feeling of this man.
"You still sure?" Sirius asked as he moved his thighs under his. "I need to
know, that this - me, that is what you want?"
I don't think I can tell you how much. "I want you." I've always wanted you.
He caught sight of Sirius' hand running down over his hip, sending shivers all
over his skin. Sirius' eyes were staring down at the sight of his rock-hard
member, and if not for the feel of him lining himself up at his ready and
waiting entrance, Remus would have said something more.
With an unbelievably slow thrust, Remus felt himself opening for him. It hurt;
it made him wince, and he was thankful that Sirius waited, allowing him a
second to adjust. That slow burn of being parted was both pleasure and pain,
and he wasn't sure if he should feel relieved that he already wanted more.
Remus opened his eyes, flashing him the permissive look for him to continue and
he held onto every sensation of Sirius moving out before entering him again.
For a few thrusts, it was painfully slow, and Remus wanted to grasp him and beg
for more. His lips parted, ready to speak such words, ready to beg, when they
both hissed at the friction of Sirius filling him completely, and a pleasurable
spark ignited. The feel of Sirius' hands at the back of his knees, holding on
with fixed fingers for support as he repeated the same steps until a motion was
built, was driving Remus mad.
Remus moved his knees around him to a more relaxed position that allowed him
more room; Sirius dipped down, moaning into his neck as Remus relished in the
hot breath against his skin. Then there was the sensation of his teeth running
over Remus' pulse point — and he wasn't sure he could hold on. It was intimate,
the push and pull of their bodies and the feel of one another so close, so hot,
so in need. He felt fingers grasp his cheeks, spreading him further, and the
moan that emitted from Remus was more animal than man — something from the way
Sirius bit onto his collarbone told him the other man liked it.
The sensation had caused his hips to cock skyward, Sirius groaning in
satisfaction, wonderment and delight as he grasped at his sides and drove into
him with abandon. This new pressure made Remus back arch from the sheets below,
and the wave that built from it made Sirius moan like a beast. Remus wanted
more, he needed that sound more than he needed his breath, and so he began to
move his hips more, their eyes meeting for a flash and a thousand things could
be recalled from that single look.
Remus was becoming breathless, and as he curled his back an inch more, it
caused the man above to gasp. He assumed, with a confident smirk, that the
combination of Remus sucking lightly on his shoulder and the new movements from
below had snapped the pull and push and sent Sirius over the edge, coming with
a surprise. The motion and a heated kiss being given in euphoric bliss was what
pulled Remus with him, and a shot of pleasure burst through his exposed
hardness as he joined him. The two tumbled into a freefall that left Remus
complete, blinded and whole, their lips connecting more frequently as they rode
out the wave together.
Their breaths took longer to catch than normal, the sheer intensity of what had
just happened was shared between grey and green eyes. Words looked stolen from
Sirius, someone who was never known to be silent ever — a sight that Remus
wasn't sure he had ever seen.
It was when Sirius pulled him close, his lips softer than ever and a flush on
his cheeks that showed the real effects of their pleasure, that Remus realised
how safe he was with him. He wasn't just something to Sirius, he was someone,
and so Remus curled into him out of a drive and need.
Sirius lay down beside him after slowly sliding out of him, burying his face
into Remus' hair — hair that looked tussled with pleasure — into the crook of
Remus' neck.
"Your eyes burn for me," Sirius whispered with confidence to it, "But my whole
body burns for your touch."
Remus looked over his shoulder, not caring for the mess around them of clothes
and pleasure. He had him, and it was like a dream that had come true before his
very eyes — a dream come true.
If he was truthful, he wasn't sure that words could actually describe it,
but perfection was close.
===============================================================================
 
                                      oOo
***** Prongs Le Potter *****
Chapter Notes
     Apologies for formatting hell, I usually import into FFN so
     everything remains the same, but, it has gone down.
     Special thanks to LeanaM, who is bae.
                                 Chapter Eight
                               Prongs Le Potter
===============================================================================
December 1976
 Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitories, Hogwarts
Sirius woke, tangled in legs he never wanted to be without. Words he had wanted
to say the moment Remus entered him were circling around his mind. He could
replay the look in Remus’ eyes when he did, and how beautiful Sirius felt at
the sight.
Remus looked at him like he was the single best thing  ever,  and Sirius quite
enjoyed that.
He listened as the man next to him murmured in his sleep. For years he had
heard the anguished cries coming from Remus’ bed, and he had never known how to
fix them. Holding him seemed to do the trick, and Sirius hated that he still
had nightmares — even if now he had the chance to soothe him and hold all the
pieces of Remus together.
Sirius knew what he dreamed about without needing to ask . Remus replayed the
first ever attack, even when most children didn’t remember those years all that
well, Remus’s nightmares would never allow him to forget it. Even when Remus
had enjoyed a good day, those nightmares would still come, no matter what mood;
and Sirius despised that—despised the man who caused it even more than his own
mother.
Remus jolted beside him, and Sirius kept his arm tight around him to ease him
to reality. No one spoke, but the silence between them wasn't tense or
uncomfortable like Sirius had expected it to be — it felt right, perfect,
inevitable. It felt like they were meant to lie side by side, not ever to be
questioned.
“Morning,” Remus mumbled.
He began stretching out in various ways as he groaned and moaned and flexed
each muscle. Sirius smiled at the ceiling of the bed, not wanting ogle the man
before he had wiped the sleep from his own eyes — but if he continued to make
those noises, Sirius wasn’t sure how he could resist.
Remus curled closer to him, sniffing the air before he wrinkled his nose. “Ugh.
I need a shower I think.”
“Nah,” Sirius smirked as he brushed his fingers lightly over Remus’ hip,
“you're as clean as anything.”
“I'm dirty, Sirius,” Remus said resigned, a hint of embarrassment passing over
his cheeks.  
Sirius noticed that, when they were close, intimate, Remus would use his name —
his given name. At first, he hadn't known how to respond, taken completely by
surprise at how soft it sounded coming from those lips. Just thinking about it
made him hard, the way Remus would moan his name, begging, praising and
screaming. He bit back the smirk, blinking as his eyes focused back on the ones
staring at him.
“Maybe  you are  filthy,” Sirius teased, “lying side by side with another man,
how uncouth of you.” Remus elbowed him and he gasped out in pain. “I wonder if
I've caused Grimmauld Place to burn.”
Remus turned his head to look at him properly, a frown appearing over his brow
as he rubbed his eyes. “What are you on about now?”
Sirius smiled, licking his lips before he answered. “I'm the eldest son, the
one who  carries  the proud name of Black. Yet, here I am, lying beside a man
who turns into a wolf. The same man who I fucked the brains out of last night.”
His eyes met Remus’. “So I'm wondering if the  Noble House of Black  has fallen
to its knees.”
Remus stared at him, and the silence wasn't comforting this time.  He didn't
move, but his whole body radiated annoyance . They were frozen, both knowing
the next sentence or two could shatter whatever this morning was, and Sirius
was scared, petrified even.
He swallowed, releasing Remus’ hip. “I've upset you.”
“Am I a rebellion then?” Remus spat, each word wounding Sirius more than he
expected.
Sirius tensed in surprise, flinching from the lashing of those words. “What?
No ! All I meant –”
Remus didn’t allow him to finish, his own words cutting through Sirius’, ending
his trail of thoughts. “What you  meant  was that you didn't have these
deranged, rude thoughts about your family when you were  enjoying other men ,
but lying with me, that's when you think you've nailed the axe into your
mother’s  coffin ! When you bedded the disgusting werewolf?”
Sirius had no idea  what  to say, his mouth opening and closing, because he had
meant nothing of the sort. Even if he managed to explain what he actually
meant, he had already dug a hole so big not even magic could restore it. He
felt the room vibrate under Remus’ anger and hurt, his magic pulsating in waves
that wished to maim Sirius, and even as he felt it wash over him, Sirius wasn’t
sure what he had meant by his statement, except that it had been supposed to be
in jest.
Remus shoved the sheets off him, kicking them violently to free himself.
Sirius, however, became entirely enthralled with the body that had made him
hard to begin with. He was so transfixed, so lost in Remus’ beauty, he was
delayed in reacting to stop Remus from leaving, and he ended up nearly
colliding with the man's jaw in an attempt to keep him in place.
Sirius tackled him to the floor, taking a fist to the face that made his jaw
crack. An onslaught of slaps and punches rang through the air, neither caring
they were naked, pressed against the wood as they groaned and fought. Sirius
tried to pin Remus, but the man was far stronger than he looked — he hated the
wolf for that. There was something in Remus’ eyes, and an anger across his face
that sparked something in Sirius he would have enjoyed far more if there hadn’t
been an array of words like, “I’ll kill you” or “I hate you” being spouted.
Remus wrapped his leg around Sirius’, attempting to overthrow him, but Sirius —
who had nothing to lose — used his entire torso to pin Remus to the floor. He
was just thankful that Remus didn't have his hands on a wand, because Sirius
was sure he'd have lost his privates.
“Listen!” Sirius said, writhing around as he grasped Remus’ hands and placed
his knee on Remus’ stomach.
“No! Gerr-off- me !” Remus shouted, and Sirius was thankful for the charms
around them — not knowing what James or Peter would think if they were waiting
down in the common room. “I swear to-Godric-Siri– ow !”
Sirius pinched the back of Remus’ arm — a low blow if he ever did see — but it
silenced his violent tirade of words and replaced it with a shriek, allowing
Sirius to speak. 
“You aren't a rebellion,” Sirius shouted, and it sounded louder in the silence
that followed Remus’ shriek. “Your - you're  Moony ! My - wait no, that sounds,
well, that sounds rude but - wait.” Remus growled and words began to tumble
from Sirius before he could retract them. “I have liked you for fuckin’ ages.
Just the others, well I didn't - but I did a bit, not like this - not like you
and fuck’s sake! I don't think of you - you aren't that alright? You aren't!”
Remus struggled against him, and Sirius clasped his eyes together attempting to
find the words to say that weren't the words rolling around his head because he
did not want to say those. No, he did not. Even if they were the truth; even if
they had been hammering against his skull since he kissed Remus on the sofa.
I think I could love you.
Sirius was about to just say it, bite the spell and just give all the power to
Remus — even though he certainly didn’t want to and the idea alone made him
feel sick. He was interrupted when a knee collided with his back and he
stumbled forward, elbows either side of Remus’ face. The man beneath him gasped
for air, and Sirius realised his hand must have covered his mouth.
“You - you  nearly  killed me,” Remus gasped, his wild eyes calmer now than
they had been before.
“It would kill me not to be with you.”
Fuck. Fucking shitting  –
Sirius watched with bated breath as the anger faded from Remus’ body and his
lips finally turned up in a tentative smile. He could have lost Remus just now,
and while he knew he hadn’t, he still hated himself just a little. He held his
breath, not willing to let it out and change the air around them.  Forgive-Me-
Forgive-Me-Forgive-Me,  he said with his eyes, and he was sure Remus could hear
him, either that or he could read minds.
Running a hand through own his hair, Remus’ smile turned to a soft, playful
smirk. “You're the biggest arse I know.”
“And the best, with the best?” Sirius smirked.
Remus rolled his eyes, glaring slightly. “And the best.”
Sirius kissed him for that, for his word slip and everything in between, hoping
to apologise with his tongue and lips rather than words, too worried about
another slip-up to speak.
“Do you forgive me?”
Their lips reunited, Sirius did not want Remus to answer him just yet, not
prepared for what he could say; not sure he was strong enough to deal with
possible rejection. “Stupidly, yes. But, Sirius—”
“I fucked up, I...I can’t say I won’t do it again, Moony. I’m just a fuck-up-
kinda-guy, but I’d never, ever, mean it to hurt you,” Sirius said, with as much
honesty as he could allow to be used.
Remus held Sirius’ cheek, saying so much with his palm against his skin, and
the balance of the room returned to what it was before Sirius’ word vomit. “I
need a shower.”
“Okay,” Sirius smiled, moving off Remus. He watched the man get up, admiring
Moony’s moony as it walked to the bathroom.
===============================================================================
December 1976
 Hogwarts
Remus couldn't get the word  rebellion  out of his mind. He couldn't stop the
doubts feeding off his happiness, or calm the storm in his stomach. He had
questions — many stupid,  twatting  questions that wouldn't even exist if
Sirius hadn't mindlessly chattered like usual. He knew that Sirius had slipped
up; Remus knew with confidence that it was a mistake, and he believed Sirius
when he said he hadn’t meant at all what Remus had heard. It didn’t stop the
sting, and it didn’t quiet any of the doubt. With everything else going off,
school work and Snape sniffing around, Remus did not need Sirius being unclear
with his feelings. Remus had little patience for it.
Winter was horrid for the wolf, too. The knowledge that snowy nights would
come, and Remus as the wolf, would be locked away seeing the snow fall but
being too animal to go outside and roll around it like he would the grass in
summer. The snow left prints behind, confirmation that there were creatures at
Hogwarts that ventured close to the walls; animals that lived among the
students.  It created even more distance between Remus and Sirius than the
mistaken, horrid words had created, and a culmination of it all weighed on him.
“Moony?” Remus’ ears pricked as he looked over his shoulder to see James. He
selfishly hoped he wasn't coming to discuss Lily, because he wasn't sure he had
the patience. He was tired, and impossibly irritated, and Remus didn’t want to
snap at James at all.
James didn't ask if he could sit — something that annoyed Remus a little — but
he also wasn't accompanied by Peter, which only meant that he had been left
with Sirius, which spelled disaster for the entire school. Remus smiled at how
he still thought of Peter as their younger brother, the one who needed them
all, the one who needed to always be with someone. Remus watched as James
sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose where his glasses were and the tension
surrounding them was beginning annoying Remus.
The Great Hall was vast, but it felt so small with the cloud of awkwardness
floating above him and his friend. There was so much James wanted to say, it
was clear, but Remus hoped he’d just get to the point and speak whatever was on
his mind.
“You know I love you,” James began and already Remus had gone into meltdown.
His eyes and composure may have been the same, but in his head he was going
through everything he could have ever done and how he needed to apologise. He
masked it though, Remus had become quite good at it in all the years of hiding
who he became at the moon. “Just, calm yourself. I can see the screws twisting
in your head. I just need, a second...time I guess, so I can get it all out
without sounding like a homophobe or something worse.”
Fuck.
“You and Sirius—”
“You—you know?”
James gave him that look. The one Remus’ mum used too, when he said he had
eaten his peas and really he had shoved them in his napkin. The look did not
suit James however, it looked odd and unwelcome on him, as though James was
suddenly wise — which Remus knew he was not.
“Of course — what kind of fucking question is that! Dick! Sorry, is that
offensive, can I — can I call you a dick if you—”
“Prongs,” Remus said calmly, even if his insides were knotting, but he didn’t
want to make this, them, any more awkward than they already were.
James sighed, his blue eyes smiling at him and somehow it calmed Remus. “He's
like my brother. After…” James paused, dropping his head and shaking it before
meeting Remus’ gaze once more. “You two are good for one another, and while I
am finally happy—”
“How long?” It was all Remus wanted to know.
“Moony. I'm Prongs  Le Potter , I know things.” He leant over the table and
dropped his voice. “I've been in love with Evans for over a year,  at least!  I
know love, and I saw it in Sirius’ eyes whenever you snuck off with Dorcas.
What caught me more by surprise—”
“You knew he was gay?”
“Do you ever let a man finish?” James asked, his ears going red a moment later.
Whatever tension had been there, vanished. James’ embarrassed face was nothing
compared to what Remus was feeling inside, and it suddenly made Remus feel
better.
James sunk his head into his hands, rolling his forehead in it before looking
up, and Remus couldn’t help but smirk. “Fuck, I didn’t mean that, I mean of
course you do, cause you aren’t a–I ballsed up, haven’t I?” All Remus could do
was snigger. Every sentence that James could say to make this awkward, was
being said and he found it hysterical, not that it derailed James at all.
“Fuck’s  sake ! I knew I should have let Pete come and chat, but I thought he’d
go all red and–are you laughing at me?”
Remus tilted his head from side to side. “Yes. Yes, I am.”
James flattened his hands on the table, taking a deep breath as he closed his
eyes for a second. “Sirius has been gay since well, time probably began. He's
handsome as fuck for one, and I'm not gay but even I’d–” Remus raised his
eyebrow, because he wasn’t sure where on earth this conversation was going
anymore. “—anyways! I know him, like I knew something was off with you in first
year. We're brothers, not by blood, but by choice. You know when I'm being a
fuckwit and tell me, we know when Pete’s hungry. So, I'm going to know when my
two brothers are well…  shacking  up.”
Remus blushed. He wasn't sure if it was the word  shacking up  or that it came
from James himself—all he knew was his cheeks were hot, burning hot.
“I've not told him I know. He knows that  I know , because well, he had
explaining to do about some of his  loud proclamations  when he's in the
shower. I just wanted you to know, that whatever walls he's throwing up—you
need to yank em’ down.”
Remus dropped his head, wanting to ask James more but even he knew that while
he was supportive, being this open was odd for him. The nerves he had felt
before, the uncertainness was still there, hitting him like the cold wind, and
making Remus shiver a little. James knew something was odd, and if James could
pick up on it, maybe it was more obvious than he thought.
“You know something's wrong?”
James smirked. A smirk that usually was given to Lily but now saved only for
his friends. “I told you—”
“ Prongs Le Potter  knows things,” Remus chimed in jokingly, even if he felt
anything but. His finger began tracing the lines on the table nervously,
needing to focus on something other than the war inside of him. “I think I like
him a lot, Prongs. Okay, I don’t think, I...this conversation is not going well
for either of us is it?”
James smiled at him, like he knew the future and was attempting to reassure him
not to worry. Somehow, it worked.
“Let's go rescue Pete,” James said as he stood up from the bench at the
Gryffindor table. “Merlin only knows what Padfoot is doing to him.” His face
turned red again. “I did  not  mean it like that—”
Remus laughed, letting go of the tension slightly. “I know, Prongs. Stop
worrying.”  
===============================================================================
 
December 1976
 Potter Residence
No one had batted an eyelid when Sirius remained in the dining room with Remus.
He eventually gestured towards the French doors that led to a small patio
overlooking the grounds. The rest of the party had moved to the living room,
and while Remus had thoroughly enjoyed himself — with the wizarding equivalent
to Christmas— he had really wanted some time alone with Sirius.
Sirius pressed his wand against a lamp above them, and a warmth spread over
their skin as though it was summer instead of winter. Remus still wished for a
little more warmth, however.
The eyes Sirius had been giving him had been sending shockwaves down to his
balls, and somehow, he suspected that the dark-haired monster knew this. Remus
remembered how Sirius had told him that  an uncomfortable Moony is the best
Moony , the bloody  arsehole.  It had been over a week since Sirius had been in
his bed, and Remus couldn’t wait for it to happen again.
“You see me, Moony?”
Remus laughed, hoping that Sirius was drunk and not losing his intelligence.
“You are sat beside me, Pads.”
The man groaned, his head turning to give him a look of  don’t be a moron . “I
mean, do you  see me,”  Sirius gesturing to the stars with a smile, “I’m the
brightest fucker up there.”
“Not the brightest one down here though,” Remus chided as Sirius swatted him.
“Don’t make me kiss you, Moony.”
Remus only hummed. The idea of those lips on his — especially when they had
been around a hot-dog earlier — was all he had been thinking about. In Remus’
house, you got whatever you were served for Christmas, but here, at the
Potter’s, Sirius had been spoilt and because of that, he had used his spoilt
nature to torture Remus. Hog-dogs, bananas—anything erotic had been
specifically requested by Sirius, and Remus wished the Potters had been a
little stricter with traditional meals and not providing their children’s
‘favourite’ meals.
He felt like  one of those boys , the ones that constantly have sex on the
brain. Remus wasn’t quite sure he liked it, but Sirius did something to him he
had never experienced before.
The silence between them was comforting, and neither of them had ever known how
comfortable silence could be until then. The sound of a wooden chair sliding
across the patio slabs cut through the night, but Remus didn’t mind as it meant
that he was moving closer.
A loud cackle came from inside, and a groan that could only be James’ — his
parents clearly winding him up with Peter’s help.
Remus nearly jolted when he felt a soft hand on his, his eyes widening as he
looked down to see Sirius attempting to hold his hand — although Remus was
doing nothing to aid him. “Would you like a bit more  Sirius- ness in you?”
“Oh fucking  Godric's  balls.”
“I’m sorry!” Sirius laughed, a nervous blush over his cheeks and nose. “I had
to say something, the silence—it was killing me!”
Remus continued to shake his head, allowing his fingers to spread as Sirius
filled them with his own. Remus used his other hand to hide his own shock,
especially when what had been said was  exactly  what he wanted to hear.
“Silence is golden.”
“Silence is  fucking  dull,” Sirius whispered darkly. Sirius turned back to see
him staring, his face closer than it had been before and Remus knew that an
inch or two closer, their lips would be touching. “You’re not dull, Moony.”
He was so tempted to say that Sirius was, but the mood was ruined by a loud
exhale combined with an annoyed snort coming closer. Remus moved away from
Sirius, and was thankful that he did the same, both coming eye-to-eye with an
annoyed James.
While Remus knew that James knew about them, Sirius did not, and the pretence
was nearly as fun as the fact that they had been sneaking around under
everyone's nose before.
“They’re ganging up on me,” James pouted.
“Now, now, Prongs,” Sirius said, “don’t get antlers-y.”
Remus shook his head. “Poor antler reference, utterly poor.”
“I have  other  things on my mind,” Sirius smirked as Peter’s laugh came into
earshot.
That bolt of a smirk and innuendo shot right down to Remus’ core again, and all
he could do was shift in his seat as James continued to rant about Evans with
Peter chiming in every now and again.
Even with his discomfort, Remus wasn’t sure when he had gotten so lucky. Two
best friends, and a best friend turned  something more  — a life he had never
known he could have.  
“What’re we talking about?” Peter asked, in one hand a glass of Butterbeer and
in the other a bread roll. “Prongs, your mum makes a mean bread roll.”
“That’ll be Bertha,” Sirius piped up, as he moved closer to rub his shoulder
against Remus–the only intimacy the two were willing to share in front of the
group for now. “The house elf, she’s a mean cook. By mean I mean–”
Peter sniggered. “Hats off to the elf. Wait, Moony, can I say that if I’m not
wearing a hat?”
Remus smirked to himself, licking his lips, unconscious of Sirius watching his
every move. “Of course you can. It’s complimentary.”
“So, do you say it when Padfoot has been extra talented in bed?” Peter asked,
biting the bread with a smirk.
No one answered, Sirius choking on his drink was enough for the others to burst
into laughter at his expense, the awkwardness of Peter’s statement floating
away from them, and the four friends no longer shared a secret.
===============================================================================
 
                                      oOo
 
***** When It Felt Right *****
                                 Chapter Nine
                               When It Felt Right
===============================================================================
January, 1977
 Great Hall, Hogwarts
The past week since being back at Hogwarts, Remus had spent every night in
Sirius' bed. It had become habit, one that they hadn't even been trying to hide
since the only thing either cared for was the touch of their skin against the
other.
Remus couldn't put into words how nice it felt, his chest to Sirius' back,
their hands entwined as the last breath Sirius took before sleep stole him for
the night. At one point Remus had been a deep sleeper, and Sirius had been a
night owl—it seemed they had swapped those roles since returning to Hogwarts.
Remus found he was up all hours as Sirius slept soundly beside him—having been
out for the count for ages. He tried to not let it bother him—the lack of
sleep—but the rain cloud that hung over Remus' head had shown no signs of
quitting until he slept, something he physically had no control over.
Worst of all, it began to affect his school work. It began when he had knocked
over an entire cauldron in Potions, he had incorrectly answered a question in
Defence Against The Dark Arts—in front of a professor who already wasn't fond
of him. Then he had almost fallen asleep in Transfiguration—after turning up
late with Sirius, who had desperately needed a kiss, something Remus hadn't
complained about at the time. Unfortunately, McGonagall noticed both, and Remus
was sure that if she hadn't been his Head of House—and didn't know his
secret—he would have been given detention for the sheer insult. He did,
instead, receive a warning at the end of class that whatever had been, and
was, distracting him all of a sudden needed to stop as it was affecting his
grades, and if the same person was making him tardy, he should question whether
that person was good for him.
An unlikely event, Sirius was the best thing for Remus.
It was odd to admit that a year ago his feelings were kept as closely guarded
as his i-turn-into-a-werewolf thing. Now that Sirius was aware, Remus was not
willing to let him go, not for grades or books. The grey-eyed lion had done so
much for Remus, becoming an animagus with their friends, and coaxing the
nightmare memories from Remus' mind and filling his nights with dreams and
happiness. Sirius had made Remus feel less like a monster, and more like a man.
He couldn't give it up; he couldn't and wouldn't walk away from Sirius.
"What'd McGonagall want?" Peter asked, his eyes focused on him and for a single
second Remus was sure he knew. "Is it because you and Sirius arrived late again
together?"
It was like a chain reaction, his palms would go sweaty, the hair on the back
of Remus' neck would stand up perfectly straight, like needles, and his heart
would beat furiously in his throat. Remus' mouth began before his brain kicked
into gear, words slipping out to alter the course of the conversation and deter
focus from the real distraction opposite him.
"Oh, that, nothing," Remus lied, not very convincing. Suddenly remembering
Peter's odd trail of thoughts that morning, he used what he had thought at the
time as ridiculous, to his advantage. "But how about a swamp monster, you know?
You were asking what could Muggles be more terrified of than magic? You
remember?"
Remus couldn't give up Sirius, and wouldn't, but there was no way he wanted
their peace and current situation destroyed because their friends didn't know
boundaries—and Peter did not know boundaries. The man, while brilliant and a
truly good friend, had often walked into their communal showers and started an
idle conversation about breakfast to lunch food ideas, while Remus was bollock
naked. Sirius, who had encountered Peter walking in on him naked more often
than the rest combined—didn't care—had often teased Remus for not being more
proud of his body. No one ever thought that maybe Peter should just stop having
random conversations with people when naked.
"You think?" Peter asked, tilting his head as he looked up, scrunching his
brows together as they walked down the corridor. "Do swamp monsters exist?"
Remus shrugged, not wishing to commit anymore lies. "Muggles don't even believe
magic exists."
He had been sure he had convinced him when Peter went silent—a usual indicator
of him being deep in thought. Remus had also been sure there wasn't any other
nearby listeners, but he stupidly hadn't accounted for Lily—who hadn't just put
two and two together as she smiled suspiciously by his side. Remus hadn't even
noticed her a second ago, purely focused on Peter. He didn't need to ask her
how much she had heard or noticed because she wouldn't definitely rebuke his
swamp monster theory if she was bothered by that. And since she wasn't, Remus
was sure she had just worked something out, and the thought terrified him.
If not for the chill of January, combined with his sheer concentration not to
sweat through his shirt— Remus would have shown to everyone how uncomfortable
and shady he was. When they arrived for lunch, Lily mentioned nothing, sitting
close to him—but not next to him—and sending him occasional smiles like she had
worked out the puzzle to end all puzzles.
Thankfully she waited until they were alone—Prefect rounds, the bane of his
life—before finally coming out with what was currently on her mind.
"Cut the shit, Lupin," Lily said as soon as they set off. Her tone was playful,
and his surname rolled off her tongue with a joyful sound to it. "You and
Black, how long?"
Remus had choices, he always had choices. He turned to look at her, his face a
mask of indifference, and with a confidence—he channelled straight from Sirius.
Remus tilted his chin up, meeting her square in the eyes. "I will answer when
you tell me when things changed with Pro–James."
Her cheeks flushed a red that he hadn't prepared for, her eyes narrowing to a
green that wasn't human in the slightest. "I have no idea what you mean." Lily
snapped, whipping her head around to turn away from him.
"Fine. I guess I will go first; I've had…feelings for him for some years,"
Remus began, hoping some honesty would settle her bristled nature. "It is very
early, very…new, and I'm not even sure - I don't even know if he'll—"
"He likes you too," Lily smiled, calming his anxiety without realising it.
"Smitten may be a word I'd use but, it makes him sound delicate and sweet—which
we both know Black is not. He's been causing me fewer headaches, if I'm
truthful. It was his —well both of yours— first slip up."
The two turned a corner, finding another silent and peaceful corridor that both
made them relax. Remus for once, didn't hate doing rounds — although he never
really did when he was with her.
"So, who else knows?" Lily asked, and a rush of mixed feelings tangled in
Remus' stomach. Her eyes watched him, studying him and she was all set to pull
the answers from him. "Come on, Remus. I think I've proven I'm trustworthy."
Remus looked at her in an 'are-you-serious way'. "I know you're trustworthy,
Lily. I'm just thinking, I can think, can't I?" he teased and she lightly
jabbed his shoulder.
"You are too sassy for your own good sometimes. No wonder you're such a
loveable rogue."
"A rogue you say?" Remus laughed and she barged her shoulder into him, giving
him that look that said he still hadn't answered her question. "James knows. It
was...awkward as hell and full of questions like, can I still say this now
you're both gay? Peter just stumbled into it—like Peter does." Lily laughed,
the sound filling the empty corridor. "I'm sure the rest of the school will get
there in a few more months. I suspect James' parents know too, his mother is
quite intelligent, especially now Sirius lives there." Lily frowned and Remus
shook his head, "Long story and not my one to tell."
They turned to the staircase, ready to do their last check of the fourth floor.
Lily didn't push for more answers. "Well, I don't think either of you should be
fearful of telling anyone, and I'm glad you shared this with me. Lots of people
adore you, Remus, you should let them in more often."
Remus chuckled, nervous laughter mixed with genuine happiness. Lily had that
effect on him, she always had, her mere personality radiated joy that couldn't
be forced. She had always been kind to him, and he suspected. with how
intelligent she was and how she never missed a thing, Lily knew his other
secret.
It would be the perfect moment to tell her, to let her in. To make her feel
safe too. As if she read his mind, or maybe picked up on the thousand fearful
reactions his body was experiencing, Lily spoke again. "I already know." The
tension that was swirling in Remus' fingers evaporated. Her eyes had long
softened, a small smile on her dainty pink lips. "I also don't care, Remus.
You're… You're better than all of them in so many ways, but you can't beat how
protective and brother-like you all are. To me, that's enough to know you're
alright."
He licked his lips. "Not my dazzling personality then?"
Shaking her head, Lily nudged him playfully. "You could barely formulate a full
sentence to me or any girl until third year — apologies if I always suspected
something was weird with you."
"There's plenty weird with me."
They turned a corner, both catching a glimpse of the waning moon set far back
behind the mountains. "I'm not sure I'd have you any other way."
===============================================================================
March, 1977
 Boys Dormitory, Hogwarts
Sirius' tongue traced over his shoulder, leaving hot embers in its wake. Hands
roughly held his back firmly against Sirius' chest. Every other time that
Sirius had touched him this way, Remus had felt a connection, but it had never
been quite this strong. He wasn't sure if it was the moon approaching that set
his entire body on edge, or if it was Sirius himself who filled him with
nervous apprehension. Maybe it was from the other night, when they had come
together more explosively than ever, and something he couldn't explain had
developed deep in Remus' chest.
They had done all of this before: the curling into each other, the licking and
biting, the filling and thrusting. White light had blinded him, stars filled
the heavens and fireworks exploded in his abdomen. Remus had felt things that
were not normal to feel—wonderful, amazing things. There was something about
that last time, the delicate touches, the rough fingers and the groans that
sounded more human than animal, that made it feel much deeper than whatever the
two had felt before when they became one.
It had felt like love.
It felt real and true, it felt strong and powerful. It felt like a billion
different things that couldn't be pinpointed or explained. Remus saw colours,
but they blurred when Sirius stared at him; he heard noises, but they silenced
when Sirius spoke—as though Sirius was all that mattered. It had been so
intense, he couldn't open his eyes. But he had felt it, felt a connection being
born when they came together this time, like a ribbon tying around them both as
though they were joining in all things sinful and pleasurable.
Remus didn't care if he was being tied to Sirius, he opened his arms to it,
exactly as he did tonight, and it felt just as deep and just as mind-blowing.
It was then that Remus realised he never wanted Sirius to not kiss him this
way, with so much meaning. Remus didn't want Sirius to ever stop running his
palm over his hip after their breathing had returned to normal. But most of
all, he never wanted Sirius to stop holding him the way he did, because it felt
better than the sex — and that was a tough feat. It hit him, like the scarlet
train itself, and and the impact left him breathless with shock. The light
sighs of the man behind him quieted down into sleep, and the stars slowly
vanished from his eyes leaving only a bright one standing out from the rest. He
felt that hole inside of him begin to heal from acceptance, and that, too,
shook him with the intensity of an earthquake.
He loved Sirius. He was in love with Sirius. Not in the best friend way it had
started, or the brother-like way it had changed into. He loved Sirius like a
man he wanted to lie beside, like a man he wanted to always have close and
never live a day without. He loved Sirius like it was destiny and fate, like it
was life or death and a bunch of other things that made him feel nauseous with
worry. They were strong feelings; the strong emotions that were depicted in
childhood fairy tales about everlasting love and happy ever afters. Remus knew,
if those fairy tales were true, he was most definitely in love with his Prince
Charming—Sirius Black.
The two of them turned in the sheets, their eyes locking and raven hair almost
covering the handsome man he adored. Their chests were rising and falling in
sync, their breathing normalised from the height it had once been at, and their
minds began to churn back into place, normal thoughts resuming.
Something was in Sirius' eyes. It was bold and different, and it stood out
against the deep silver that usually captivated Remus entirely. It wasn't the
flecks of black Remus had noticed the first time he kissed Sirius or the
startling white he saw when he pushed Sirius over the edge during sex—it shone
like gold, like a gold ribbon that had attached itself to Sirius.
As though Sirius knew what Remus was thinking, he closed his eyes. Remus
watched the Adam's Apple bob in Sirius' throat as he awkwardly swallowed.
"I'm not made like the others," Sirius whispered as Remus gently brushed his
hair from his eyes. "I don't do… I don't do feelings."
Fuck. Fuck, twat, bastard, bollocks.
They were doing this, Remus panicked to himself. They were going to talk and
share, possibly ruin whatever this had become and possibly shatter whatever it
could have been. Remus didn't want that, and he reached out to cup Sirius'
cheek, hoping to not fragment and break apart in front of the man he had shown
everything to.
Sirius moved an inch closer, their noses near touching, and Sirius' hot breath
passed over Remus' face—tantalizing and irritating at the same time.
"If I could though," Sirius mumbled, biting down on his lip as a second passed
without words, then another, until a sigh passed those full lips Remus wanted
to kiss, "If I could and whatever is beating inside of me can, and it is what
other people feel when they...you know, feel things. Then...I do. I feel it. I
feel something that seems unnatural to me, but it feels natural when I'm with
you."
Don't ruin it, do not ruin this.
Remus forced a smile, allowing himself a second of anxiety-ridden thoughts. He
remembered in the darkest moment, when he had been more scared of losing Sirius
than becoming the monster he was inside. The words seemed just as perfect now
as they had done then, and Remus hoped Sirius wouldn't mind him borrowing them.
"Does it feel right?"
The smirk that crossed over Sirius' lips was almost a trophy. It was a grin
that Remus hadn't seen before, and he hoped it was just for him. The smirk of
all smirks, from the man of all men.
"That's my line—"
"Does it feel right," Remus urged, ignoring Sirius' playful response, needing
him to answer so they could both be done with this conversation and leave well
alone.
A brief sigh cut through the silence between them. Remus attempted to focus on
something that wasn't those dazzling silver eyes. They were like disco balls,
and he could guarantee that if he lit a Lumos in here, the sheer sparkle in
Sirius' eyes would light the room in beams of beauty, creating their own night
sky.
"You. Me. It's the only thing that is right," Sirius whispered, his tone
cracking with embarrassment and his cheeks flushed as though they were burning.
"I know that sounds fucking stupid, because that's not what people say
when...well I assume they feel like I currently do, but I don't know that
word, love. I wasn't really loved before, except by you three and I know this
is different and I fucking know that Remus, I do, but. Fuck? Why is this so
fucking hard?"
Remus didn't push further, knowing Sirius needed to come to his own conclusions
by himself. He didn't make a joke or tease him, although he knew it would
diffuse the situation a lot and possibly make it more bearable for the both of
them. Instead, he nudged his nose against Sirius, wrapping his fingers around
the bare hip of the naked God beside him—someone Remus still didn't think he
deserved.
"Then who the fuck cares what they feel," Remus said, not quite delivering the
same tone as Sirius—but still making his point.
"Fuck, you're hot when you swear."
Remus felt a tingle of embarrassment on the tip of his ears as he watched
Sirius. "You and me, it makes sense to me, too. It feels...perfect."
"We do," Sirius nodded, and Remus knew he was agreeing with him wholeheartedly.
Sirius couldn't lie to Remus, not in moments like this when his scars were
showing and his eyes were so pure and bright. Remus knew this was as good as an
'I love you,' and he truly didn't want to push for three words that wouldn't
mean as much as this entire night did. This was them, and how they did things,
and it was perfect, beautiful even.
Their lips met in a searing, passionate way. It silenced everything, even
Remus' own thoughts; it stilled everything outside and around them, not even a
creature crawling up the wall would be able to move. Remus wasn't even sure if
anything living in the room, plants or magic, could breathe from its toxicity.
Remus knew he couldn't, struggling from the burn in his chest; the fire that
had started for the man-made from embers. His lion man—the man who loved him,
as much as Remus did him.
===============================================================================
March, 1977
 The Great Hall, Hogwarts
Sirius practically skipped down the grand staircase to breakfast. Remus had
asked for the morning in bed, and he knew the man was both shattered and
prickly from the upcoming moon. It felt odd to walk by himself, but it gave him
a moment to himself after all the emotions from last night.
He loved Remus. He loved Remus so much it made the holes inside of him seem
less vast and painful. Sirius also found it came with another array of feelings
he wasn't well equipped for, and he knew he needed Prongs' advice—because he
had no fucking clue what to do with worries and fears.
He pushed open the door to the Great Hall and let his eyes wander over the sea
of students already tucking into breakfast. The sight filled him with
mischievousness and he wondered if Prongs would want to try out a Porridge
Explosion. After could be they had sorted his feelings out. He would ask, there
was never any harm in asking. He headed to his usual seat, finding three empty
spaces and a downtrodden Potter.
"Prongs?" Sirius asked, sitting opposite him and clicking his fingers in his
face. "Where's Pete?"
James' eyes focused on him, slowly, his pupils still dilated. He slowly slid a
newspaper across the table, and whatever joy had swirled inside Sirius' chest
vanished.
The font of the front page came into view, and Sirius' heart fell right down to
his feet.
                      DEATH EATER ATTACK, HOMES DESTROYED
Between all the happy moments and discovering of feelings, Sirius had forgotten
about his family—and what they had tried to do to him. The place on his arm
they had hoped mark, ached as he read the first paragraph. He imagined faces
covered in masks, his cousin with her curls and her hatred; his mother and her
wicked words.
Sirius gasped, realising he had been holding a breath. James' eyes meeting his,
full of panic and fear.
"They're alive...Peter's family. But, barely," James muttered, clearly still in
shock. "It's official. It's war, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Sirius breathed, grasping his bare-forearm and pinching it as he tried
to feel something, anything, but that burning ache. "I think we should go find
Moony."
===============================================================================
                                      oOo
***** When War Cracks Through *****
Chapter Notes
     A huge thank you to LeanaM who puts up with me even when brain
     weasels hit, she is the most amazing beta, and I'm so thankful she is
     my friend.
                                  Chapter Ten
                            When War Cracks Through
===============================================================================
March, 1977
 The Boys Dormitory, Hogwarts
When Sirius had barged into their shared dormitory, making very little sense,
Remus was attempting to read and only pretended to listen. But when Lily had
burst through the door, shaking like a leaf, it suddenly dawned on Remus that,
whatever had upset the others, he should take it more seriously.
Especially when Remus learnt that what his friends were worried about was their
friend, whose family were just attacked. A sick sensation bubbled up, and Remus
had to pinch his wrist to remain in the room, especially as his vision began to
blur.
They were seventeen, much too young to be worrying about such things, but they
all did. Sirius sat beside him, but Remus' mind was too panicked, too erratic,
flooded with images of werewolves and masked attackers — the two so clearly
linked. During Christmas break, small paragraphs talked about increased
werewolf attacks, and Remus had thought nothing of it— not more than he usually
did. He had even been less worried about the dangers of the full moons, letting
his guard down completely because he was too obsessed with the man beside him.
Remus wasn't thinking as he usually did, but having Sirius around made him less
worried and anxious. Sirius seemed to pick up on it the same thing, moving
closer as Remus felt himself begin to unravel. He knew he was vibrating with
anxiety beside Sirius, not able to calm himself even if he tried, but one touch
of Sirius' hand on his, Remus felt himself able to catch his breath.
"Moony...he's going to be okay. Wormtail, I mean," Sirius whispered, softly,
tentatively — as though no one else was around. "He's one of us, he's strong
and he'll be back before we know it."
Remus turned his head, needing to see silver and hope, but he only found grey
and fear in Sirius' eyes. Their hearts began to beat in sync, but for different
reasons, and only when Remus looked down did his chest ache and his eyes
capture what he really should have been focused on. Sirius gripping his own
forearm.
He had seen that arm, bare and free of the hated mark, but Remus didn't need
Sirius to tell him what he was thinking, the sorrow that drowned Sirius
confirmed it. Remus felt guilty, hating himself for not realising how far
Sirius' family would go to claim him—to own their own son. It was apparent now,
and the darkness that twisted inside of Remus couldn't be silenced as it roared
with injustice and the need to punish, but it didn't squash the need to protect
Sirius—that grew as did the love in his chest, bubbling inside of him as
furiously as his rage.
Remus moved his hand across his lap, unclasping Sirius' fingers to stop him
bruising himself, and linked their hands together. He didn't care if Lily and
James were here, Sirius needed him more — he needed to know this wasn't his
fault.
"You're safe," Remus reminded him, whispering it so delicately only Sirius
could hear.
Sirius nodded, half-believing and half-wishing to. "I'm safe with you?"
"I promise," Remus replied, looking over to see James holding Lily close to his
chest, rubbing his fingers through her hair. Something warmed Remus' chest at
the sight. Love saved more than just Sirius and Remus.
===============================================================================
March, 1977
 The Library & Corridor, Hogwarts
Peter returned a week later, and it was clear their friend wasn't the same.
Sirius watched him carefully as his friend looked riddled with problems he
didn't wish to share, and as he stroked the scar on his arm, Sirius couldn't
blame Peter in the slightest. Remus had experienced a full moon with only him
and James beside him, but the worries and fear of attacks had made it one of
the worst—not because Peter was absent. Peter, however, didn't believe that,
and added blame to his list of burdens when he returned—something Sirius tried
desperately to douse.
James, who had finally listened to his ideas for the Porridge Explosion Prank,
agreed only if Peter would help. The very mention of a prank seemed to ignite a
normality in Peter the group had thought was lost. Without Remus, who was still
recovering, Sirius spent more time pouring over books for spells that would
both fill the Great Hall with colours but also impress. It felt good to focus
on something other than family problems and murders occurring outside the walls
of the castle.
It felt good to not be weighed down by the faces of those committing such
atrocities.
He knew he should find Regulus, he could offer an olive branch and explain
that yes, he had been a fool by being so judgemental towards his younger
brother, but he was sorry, and he wanted to help him. The regret in Sirius'
chest got heavier and heavier, so much so it became harder to hide from Remus
who was still in the Hospital Wing looking worse for wear. He couldn't tell him
about these feelings, how desperately he wanted to speak to Regulus because
Remus would push him to do it, and worry made Sirius want to think things
through first.
An opportunity arose, however. Sirius had been in the library, a rare
occurrence, his hands were tracing pages on the desk when he felt eyes on him.
He looked up, expecting to see Evans or McKinnon, but he found grey eyes, the
same as his own, and Sirius' heart missed a beat.
Regulus was alone; Sirius was alone.
The conditions were perfect, but perfect was not what it was. Regulus turned
away from him, heading out of the door, and Sirius sprinted after him, not
knowing why his feet were dictating his head, but he didn't argue. A thousand
thoughts flew to his tongue, but Sirius kept his mouth closed. He grabbed hold
of Regulus' robe and pushed him into the wall.
Whatever apology he had wanted to utter disappeared into nothing when he met
the dark, twisted eyes of someone already too far gone.
"Get the fuck off me, Sirius!"
He only tightened his grip. "Don't do this, Reg."
Regulus' eyes narrowed in an attempt to seem blasé. "Don't do what, Sirius? I
am merely going to my common room, you know the one, where our ancestors and
family have been for generations?"
If the words were meant to hurt, Sirius didn't feel it. It was futile to use
family and traditions against him, because he hadn't felt part of that family
for years, and Regulus knew that. He had seen his older brother being mocked
and hexed for fun, just because he didn't agree; he had seen Sirius disobey and
push his own boundaries, just to take the hex bravely and show how he couldn't
be beaten.
If Walburga couldn't break him, Regulus had no chance.
"You aren't like them—"
"The hell I am," Regulus spat, struggling against Sirius' stronghold.
Sirius pushed his brother tighter against the wall, pinning him and towering
over him even if Regulus had grown and was much stronger than he once was.
"You're better than them!"
Regulus punched Sirius in the gut, hard. Sirius stumbled back and fell to the
floor, holding his ribs. Regulus brushes his robes, re-adjusting them as he
looked down at him, and the sight made Sirius' insides freeze.
"I am better than them," Regulus said confidently, "I'm a better son than you,
and I'm a better Slytherin than you, and I'm going to be better than all of
them, because I am better."
"You don't understand, Regulus. Just never did," Sirius snarled. "You're better
than becoming that. Like them. You're a good—"
"Person?" Regulus interrupted, the word full of mockery. "I don't think there's
such a thing, Sirius. A good person is a dead person, haven't you noticed?"
Sirius saw, for the first time, a flicker of fear in his brother's eyes as he
struggled to stand, leaning against the opposite wall as he breathed through
the pain. "I don't want to be a dead person, Sirius."
Sirius was set to answer, his mouth open, words ready on his tongue, when the
sound of footsteps stopped him. A moment later, more students robed in silver
and green stood behind Regulus. Sirius cursed silently, clutching his ribs.
"You 'alright, Black?" one of them said, and Regulus banished the fear on his
face and replaced it with a smirk.
"I was just putting a nobody in their place," Regulus spat, shooting a look at
Sirius before nodding his head, "Let's go, this corridor is full of blood-
traitors."
===============================================================================
March,  1977
 Hospital Wing, Hogwarts
On his fifth day in the hospital, Remus' world had trembled as though something
bad had happened. It was later confirmed when all of his friends stood around
his bed: Lily, James, Peter, and, finally, Sirius. They had become the special
four that knew all of Remus' secrets, and thankfully, the three men hadn't
argued when Remus insisted Lily could be trusted.
They were holding the Daily Prophet from that morning — the one they hadn't
wanted to bring up until the end of the day, when they could spend more time
with him. Remus carefully took the paper, his eyes scanning the page they'd
showed him, and his skin went cold.
                NEW WEREWOLF REGISTRATION ACT BEING CONSIDERED.
              A Ministry backed act that will help keep you safe.
It was being considered, the very thing his father had told him would never
happen; the thing that was impossible, it was currently all over the front
page. Another blow, another horrid incident that reminded Remus of who he was
and how he had ended up here.
Remus' temperature had risen, his body shaking, his breathing getting more and
more difficult. Panic was all that he could think about and all that vibrated
through him.
"So they're going to...tag me?"
"We won't let that happen, will we?" Lily said, being the calming voice in the
sea of hysteria.
Peter patted him on the shoulder. "Remus, you're a human first though, right?"
The question earned him a punch to the shoulder from James. "He knows what I
mean," Peter mumbled, rubbing his arm.
It was Sirius Remus desperately wanted to hear from. He needed his man,
his secret and not-so-secret man to say something, anything, but Sirius seemed
pale, more conflicted than ever. The longer Sirius remained silent, the more
Remus deflated, his heart hammering against his ribs as it descended to his
stomach.
"You're safe with us," Sirius said, and Remus met his eyes, and he watched him
step closer. "You're safe. Okay?" Remus nodded, and Sirius sat down on the bed.
"What's happening?" Peter asked, silenced by James and Lily hissing at him to
be quiet.
Sirius brushed a lock of Remus' hair back, their eyes not breaking from each
other's. "You're safe, Remus," and then, ever so lightly, just enough to make a
point but not be overly romantic in front of their friends, Sirius kissed him.
The moment was perfect, the kiss soothed every fear. It silenced the worries at
the back of his head, allowing him to think.
"Wait, you two...are together-together? Not just fooling around together" Peter
asked, his voice cutting through the moment.
Sirius looked over his shoulder, a laugh etched on his face Remus would dream
about that night. "Fuck me, Wormtail. Yes! Me. Him. Together."
That evening went quicker than any other. His friends' visit had stirred both
fear and happiness, making him nervous and calming him down at the same time.
Remus took his pain potions without arguing that night, hoping for peace. He
was discharged from the Hospital Wing before breakfast the following morning.
The kiss was still in his thoughts, filling him with tiny explosions of joy and
pride that Sirius had been the one to show they were together. The randomness
and lack of preparation only added to it, and Remus felt so lucky to have
Sirius.
After dressing in his school robes, he conjured a truly awful bunch of flowers
to thank Madam Pomfrey for her patience and care—and he hoped by the next time
he was there, he'd figure the spell out. No one had come to meet him, because
no one had known he was set to leave.
It didn't take him long to reach the Great Hall, his eyes immediately meeting
Sirius' who had risen from his seat, looking both fearful and joyous at the
sight of him. Remus should have noticed. He should have questioned why,
he knew he should have.
Then it happened.
The Great Hall erupted into brightly coloured liquid that shot up from every
table. The room filled with screams, and a splatter of something hit Remus in
the face. A rainbow of colours met the tables as the liquid fell back down. It
covered students, professors and everything else in its way.
Remus wiped his finger over the splatter on his cheek, then licked it. He met
Sirius' gaze once more as his eyes narrowed. Fucking Porridge.
            "Wouldn't it be cool to have an explosion of porridge?"
  Remus shook his head. "Not especially. Porridge is lumpy, it's difficult to
          clean, and it has an odd smell and texture when it dries."
                          Sirius smirked. "Exactly."
    "No," Remus hissed, "No exploding porridge on my watch, I'm a Prefect."
Had he fucking listened? No, of course not. The Great Hall was in chaos, bodies
slamming into Remus as they tried to leave. A pair of grey eyes that didn't
belong to Sirius met his, a glare so intense Remus was sure Regulus Black was
attempting to maim him — as though this was his fault. He was quickly followed
by Snape, who not only snarled at him, "And you're supposed to be a
Prefect", but also slammed his shoulder into Remus', bruising his barely
recovered body.
Remus sighed and looked up at the professor's table, where Dumbledore rose from
his seat, the usual twinkle in his eye, before his wand swished in the air,
ridding the room of the catastrophe. He hoped his eyes pleaded his innocence,
but the glare coming from the right of Dumbledore told him that McGonagall
already suspected him.
Fucking Sirius, Remus groaned as he walked down between the tables.
"You bunch of fucking idiots," Remus said under his breath, slumping into the
bench as Peter handed him a mug of tea. "Couldn't have done that, I don't know,
when I wasn't just discharged so it doesn't look like I've orchestrated it as
some welcome back parade?"
Peter shuffled against him. "We didn't know you were—"
"Irrelevant there, Wormtail. Ir-re-le-vant."
A moment or two passed in tense silence, the three others nervously waiting for
Remus to say something. He liked this power, keeping them on their toes a
little. Smirking into his tea, he took another sip. Peter really knew how to
make it just the right way.
"I did like the rainbow, though," Remus smirked, and James sighed and relaxed.
His eyes moved to Sirius. "Good touch, Padfoot."
Sirius slowly smiled. "Why thank you, Moon-man."
Remus grabbed the Prophet from between them, scanning the first page before
flicking to the second. He smirked at the notice about silverware and
werewolves, the reporter getting most of it wrong. It added the extra layer of
annoyance to Remus' morning.
"Did you know silver can maim a werewolf? Just your average silver you have
around the house?" Remus commented. Hearing someone snort closeby, he looked up
to meet Lily's smirking expression. "Please, Lily, put down the spoon," Remus
said, trying to look serious but unable to stop smiling.
Remus laughed as Lily jokingly placed it down and slid it across the table.
Turning his attention, he saw Sirius had raised his fork, squinting at Remus —
who for the longest time had been oblivious to his action. When he did notice,
the look of disgust Remus shot at him was enough to make Sirius want to break
out into a smirk.
"Rumours, Pads. Rumours," Remus said shaking his head, taking the plate Lily
handed him.
Sirius shrugged. "I heard silver did hurt–"
"—Rumours, Padfoot. It has to be blessed and even then, rumours," Remus
insisted a little louder. "I'll make sure to inform my mother to be careful
with her silverware in future, though, just to reassure you." The thought of
his mother, his father — neither having contacted him — made his stomach drop.
"If I have a home that is…"
Sirius frowned, lowering the fork back to the table as he watched Remus push
his breakfast around his plate.
"Don't worry so much," Sirius said as he munched on burnt toast. "I'm sure Mr
and Mrs Prongs will let you stay, they keep saying they want a pet."
Remus glared "Ha. Ha."
"See, you laughed."
"Sarcastically," Remus added.
Sirius wiggles his shoulder from side to side. "Still classing it as a win."
"Of course you are."
===============================================================================
May 1977,
 The Great Hall, Hogwarts
Sirius was disgruntled. Remus had spent most of the last week with his head in
a book, and not between his legs — not that he only cared about sex.
The Prefect had this irrational idea that he had to be the best, have the
best grades, even if Sirius had done everything he could to show Remus he
already was.
"Moony," Sirius called, for the third time in a minute.
The first time he had gotten a grunt, the second time a flick of the eyes. On
this occasion, Remus slammed the book down, veins appearing in his neck and
forehead, and Sirius tried not to be turned on. An annoyed Remus was an
attractive Remus — Sirius didn't care how odd that was. When Remus got annoyed,
he let go of control and focus on being perfect, allowing himself to be a
normal, functioning adult who did not have his shit together — something Sirius
rather loved. For one, it made him feel less like a fuck up, and for another,
it usually led to Remus snogging him — so win-win in his eyes.
"Stop studying."
Remus parted his lips, tapping his tongue against his teeth as he glared at
Sirius. "Believe it or not, Padfoot, some of us have to study or they don't
even get an acceptably mediocre grade."
Sirius brought his knee up onto the bench, resting his head against it, and
summoned an apple wordlessly. His wand dropped to the table with a
clatter—startling Remus—and he caught the apple like a pro.
"I'm not sure what grade you weigh yourself against, but you're rather
intelligent, Moony. That won't go away if you put that book down, you know?"
Sirius teased, not noticing Remus' hands going white from gripping the book so
tightly. "Intelligence isn't based on knowledge, it's based on experience."
Remus gritted his jaw, flexing his fingers. "Well, since I can't actually do
wordless magic yet, maybe my intelligence is based on knowledge. How else will
I be able to master what you apparently can do without much thought?"
Sirius frowned, heat rising up his neck. "You're mad at me."
"Five points to Sirius," Remus snarled, picking up his book from the table.
"Why?" Sirius asked.
Remus shot him a lethal glare and sighed, as though the weight of the world was
on his shoulders. Then he relaxed, or pretended to, and Sirius took a crunching
bite out of the apple.
"Not everything comes easy to me," Remus began, "I study because I can't retain
the same information as you, and James. I have my head in a book so I can stay
ahead, so I can prove to myself and anyone else that will doubt me, that, just
because I am what I am, it doesn't mean I'm stupid. It doesn't mean I don't
care about my education."
Sirius slowly swallowed the apple. Guilt and shame began to bubble inside his
chest, and he wanted to find words to reassure Remus — but he had none.
"I'm going to be judged every day of my life when this act comes in, and the
one thing I don't want them to say is that I didn't try. I try harder than
anyone because I have to. I want to prove that I'm not anything less than you,
just because of what the moon does to me." Remus' voice had dropped to a
whisper, pain lacing his words, a shimmer of oncoming tears in the green eyes
fixed on Sirius.
Sirius would be lying if he said something in his chest didn't crack, and — for
a moment — he forgot himself and where he was. His hand moved across the table,
taking Remus' as he ran his thumb over it. It didn't feel as odd as it should,
and it sparked a fear in Sirius he wasn't quite prepared for.
This felt completely normal — even when everything and everyone in society said
it shouldn't.
Sirius confidence surged in his chest, especially when Remus laced his fingers
in his.
"We shouldn't…" Remus said, not letting go, but turning his head to look
around.
Sirius placed his other hand down, his apple forgotten. "I know, but...why?"
Remus shrugged. "People don't understand, and when they don't understand—"
"They hate," Sirius finished, nodding with understanding. "I'm sorry, for not
understanding… about studying, not," lifting their conjoined hands, "us."
Something warmed in his chest as Sirius watched Remus smile. "I know, I
appreciate that Padfoot. I do. You know, well, I—"
"Yeah," Sirius said, clearing his throat as he blushed. "I know." He let go of
Remus' hand, shoving the book towards him as he retracted his hand and took
another bite of the apple. "You study my little, Were-nerd."
Remus shook his head, and Sirius chuckled, his attention as much on Remus'
bowed head as the nearly finished apple.
===============================================================================
                                      oOo
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