Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/489178.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      Multi
  Fandom:
      Big_Bang_(Band), K-pop
  Relationship:
      Choi_Seunghyun_|_T.O.P./Kang_Daesung
  Character:
      Choi_Seunghyun_|_T.O.P., Dong_Youngbae_|_Taeyang, Jang_Hyunseung, Kang
      Daesung, Kwon_Jiyong_|_G-Dragon, Lee_Seunghyun_|_Seungri
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_Canon, First_Time
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-08-18 Words: 28815
****** The Trackless Ways of the Heart ******
by roebling
Summary
     Once Daesung's father agrees to let him move in to the dorm and
     pursue his training as a singer full time, he's sure he has
     everything he could ever want. After he walks in on Seunghyun in a
     compromising situation, he realizes how little he knows, and how very
     much he has left to learn, including the hardest thing of all: his
     own heart.
Notes
     WARNING: This story depicts an consensual sexual m/m relationship
     between a 16/17 year old and a 19 year old. There is also very brief
     mention of religious disapproval of (homo)sexual activity and some
     discussion of negative body image. If you'd like more info about any
     of this before reading please message me.
     This is a re-telling of Big Bang's trainee days, as depicted in the
     Big Bang documentary, with a decidedly ToDae twist. I spent about two
     and a half months on this, and although it's not what I had first
     imagined, I do hope you find something of merit in it. Thank you to
     my dear friend rubblerousing for providing some much-needed feedback.
     This was not beta-ed, although I edited it extensively myself.
See the end of the work for more notes
Kang Daesung is sure that he will never be happier than he is the day he
finally moves into the shabby dormitory for YG trainees. His mother and his
father drive him over with his bags, and he smiles the whole time, so widely
his cheeks hurt.
“I can change my mind, you know,” his father says, meeting his eyes in rearview
mirror.
“Yes, abeoji,” Daesung says. He tries to stop smiling, just for a moment. He
can’t.
“If this is what you want,” his father continues, “I expect you to treat it
like a job. You need to give a hundred percent of yourself, Daesung. Don’t be
afraid of challenges.”
“I won’t, abeoji,” Daesung says. “Believe me, I won’t.”
The other boys are out when he arrives, but Bohyung noona is there to meet
them. He’s a little glad, although he likes all the other boys a lot. They’re
just kind of overwhelming sometimes, especially Jiyong and the two Seunghyuns.
He likes Bohyung noona though. She is funny and professional, which Daesung
thinks are probably two necessary character traits for anyone who wants to
supervise six idols in the making.
His parents don’t say long.
“Daesung, you’re sharing with Big Seunghyun,” Bohyung tells him. There’s a
sympathetic look on her face. “I know you won’t let him get you into trouble.”
She shows him down the hall to a small, messy room with two twin beds, two
bureaus, and a cluttered desk. There are clothes all over the floor and one of
the beds is unmade.
“I asked him to tidy up,” she says, exasperated and slightly apologetic.
After a moment, Daesung says, “It’s fine.” He can deal with a little mess, if
that’s the price of getting to live here.
She pats him on the shoulder and shuts the door slowly behind her on the way
out.
Daesung lets out a breath he feels like he’s been holding for 18 years.
This is it. He’s made it. He’s going to be a singer. He has to lie with his
face pressed into the pillow for a while, because he can’t get over it. And
that makes things worse because he thinks of all those nights he spent into his
room, singing along to cassettes borrowed from kids at school, listening on his
sister’s Walkman, his face pressed into the pillow to smother the noise.
This pillow is soft, but it doesn’t smell anything like his pillow at home
does. It doesn’t smell like the detergent his mom uses, and he feels so dumb
but that makes his chest begin to clench. He doesn’t mean to start crying, but
he does.
He definitely doesn’t mean to still be crying with Big Seunghyun bursts into
the room.
“Daesung!” His voice is so loud. Daesung could probably pick it out in a crowd
from a mile away. “Hey. You okay?”
Daesung nods, but his face is still pressed into the pillow.
He feels the bed settle as Big Seunghyun sits down beside him.
“Hey.” Seunghyun’s arms wrap around his shoulders, pressing him into the bed.
“Hey. Hey!”
“Ah,” Daesung says. He’s kind of squashed, but it doesn’t feel bad.
“What are you doing crying? You’re here. You’ve supposed to be happy.”
Seunghyun’s breath is warm on the back of his neck.
“I am,” Daesung says. “I am. But …”
“Can’t hear you,” Big Seunghyun says. He lets go of Daesung and rolls over onto
his back. The bed is so narrow though they’re still pressed together.
“I’m happy,” Daesung says, trying to sound more certain than he feels.
“Are you sure?” Seunghyun says. “You don’t look happy.”
“I’m sure,” Daesung says. “Hyung, you know how much I wanted this.”
“Are you sure you’re sure?” Seunghyun says.
“I’m sure!” Daesung says. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m
really sure.”
“Good,” Seunghyun says. “I wanted your dad to let you come too. Being a
superstar isn’t going to be fun if you guys aren’t there too.”
He says the English words – ‘superstar’ – and his accent is so funny. He’s
doing it on purpose, and Daesung is so tired (even though it’s only early
evening) and Seunghyun is making such a goofy face, with his big eyes all wide,
that Daesung starts laughing and he can’t stop.
“You think I’m joking?” Seunghyun asks, affronted. “Fine! See if I let you on
my helicopter.”
He shifts so his head is resting on Daesung’s shoulder. Because he’s taller,
his feet hang off the end of the bed. He kicks them back and forth. He’s really
warm, and Daesung thinks, as his fit of giggles subsides, that he’s really,
really the luckiest guy in all of Seoul.
“Do you even want a helicopter?”
Big Seunghyun shrugs. “We’re gonna be so rich and so famous I’ll buy one just
‘cause.”
He sits up, a little awkward. Hwang-ssabu assigned him a hundred sit-ups a
night before bed, on top of what they do in training, but Seunghyun isn’t too
keen on doing what he’s told. None of the guys would rat him out, anyway.
“Do you really think it’s going to be like that, hyung?” Daesung sits up too.
He wants to believe – but really all he’s ever cared about is being able to to
sing. He’s not a big dreamer – he can’t flesh out the reality of their maybe-
future. He just wants to sing. That’s all.
“It better be,” Seunghyun says, “or I’m gonna be so mad. I haven’t had ice
cream in two months.”
He grins, cheeky, and gets up. He starts to kick some of the clothes on the
floor into a pile.
“Get up and help, Daesunggie, and we’ll clear some space for your stuff,”
Seunghyun says. “I know I’m older, but this is your room too, now, got it? You
have just as much rights to it as me.”
Daesung nods, because he’s worried that if he tries to say something he’ll
start crying or laughing. He’s already embarrassed himself enough for one day.
He can’t help though the way his heart still beats so rapidly in his chest – a
fast strong thud-THUD-thudthud-THUD like the bass line to some song he hasn’t
yet heard.
*****
At first things don’t change much. It’s better now that he doesn’t have to go
to school, but it just means that he’s practicing more. They all are. Yang
Hyunsuk sanjangnim has come to watch them dance (and judge them, they all
know). A man with the camera films them almost all the time. Bohyung-noona says
the documentary is going to air soon – sometime over the summer, on real
television, like a real television show. Daesung makes her repeat that over and
over, giddy and unbelieving, until her expression turns dark and she raises her
hand to swat him away.
There are definitely some things that Daesung misses about the way things were.
Of course he misses his parents. He misses the funny noises his dad makes when
he sat reading the paper at night – humphing and harrumphing in disapproval at
the day’s news. He misses his mom’s cooking a lot, and even more he misses the
way she will sometimes smooth his hair down against his head and kiss him right
on the part and whisper that he is the best, most beautiful boy in the world –
even though he knows he’s practically a walking definition of ‘a face only a
mother could love’. He misses his sister’s teasing and he misses his seeing his
friends from school. He misses all of that, and he thinks maybe if they weren’t
so busy and he didn’t have the other guys, all those little misses might add up
into one big miss and he might end up giving up and going home.
The other guys don’t seem to share that worry. Daesung comes back to the dorm
late from extra vocal practice with Wheesung one evening to find the tiny
living area noisy and crowded. Big Seunghyun and Jiyong and some of their older
friends sit around a table covered in with soju bottles and illicit salty
snacks. A grimy layer of smoke hangs just below the ceiling, and some American
music that Daesung doesn’t recognize plays too loudly; so loudly that Daesung
worries the neighbors will complain.
“Daesunggie!” Big Seunghyun stands up when Daesung walks in. “Come meet the
guys.”
Daesung bows low. His father is very big on manners. He murmurs a greeting but
makes his excuses. “I’m really tired hyung,” he says. “Maybe next time. But
thank you.”
He bows again, and backs away.
The door to the room that Youngbae shares with Hyunseung and Little Seunghyun
is open. They’re all in there – Hyunseung and Seungri bent over worksheets from
their tutors, headphones on to block the noise, and Youngbae is reading a
magazine, but there’s a deep crease between his eyebrows and his mouth is
pulled into a frown.
“Hyung,” Daesung says.
Youngbae looks up. “Hey, Daesung.”
Daesung frowns. “What are they doing?”
Youngbae looks confused, even though Daesung is sure he must know what’s going
on out in the living room. There’s no way you could miss it.
“What are they doing out there?” He tips his head back towards the living room.
Youngbae’s mouth stretches into a tight, narrow line.
“Seunghyun-hyung invited some friends over,” he says.
“Aren’t they … aren’t we … aren’t they going to get into trouble?” Daesung
really likes Big Seunghyun, and Jiyong too, even though he’s a little scared of
him. He doesn’t want to see them get in trouble with Bohyung or even worse with
Yang sanjangnim.
Youngbae shrugs. “Not really,” he says. “We didn’t see anything –“ He pauses,
and lifts his eyebrows really high. It looks funny, but Daesung gets the idea.
“— did we?”
Daesung nods. “Oh. Right. Nope, didn’t see anything.”
“It’s good for them,” Youngbae says. He sounds resigned. “They get sick of
hanging out with us all the time.” He turns a page in his magazine. “Besides,
nothing would happen even if they did get caught. Bohyung lets Big Seunghyun
walk all over her.”
“Oh. She does? Of course.”
Daesung swallows and shifts his bag so it sits more comfortably on his
shoulder. Bohyung spends way more time picking on Big Seunghyun than on the
rest of them – calling him lazy and fat and a stupid boy. It doesn’t seem to
Daesung that she lets Big Seunghyun walk all over her at all, but then he’s
young for his age and there’s a lot of thing he doesn’t understand. On this
one, he’ll trust Youngbae hyung.
Daesung’s always been a good sleeper, but that night he lays awake until very
late, alone in the bed that still doesn’t feel quite right. He hears the party
in the living room get louder, hears the front door open with a chorus of rough
greetings as another one of Seunghyun’s friends arrive. His heart beats loudly
too. These are bad kids, he thinks, and he knows that if his dad knew these
kind of rough guys were in the apartment he’d be back at home and back in
school and back at square one before he could say ‘It wasn’t me!’.
But the party crescendos and then slowly the noise dies down. The goodbyes are
quieter than the greetings, and finally when it is very late someone shuts off
the stereo and everything is silent.
Daesung doesn’t know how long after that it is that the door to his room opens.
It’s hard to keep track of time, lying in the dark.
Seunghyun moves clumsily, knocking into the corner of his bed, stumbling over
things and singing to himself under his breath.
“Hey!” Seunghyun’s voice is even gruffer than usual. “What are you still doing
awake?”
Daesung blinks a few times, but it’s so dark. He can’t see Seunghyun at all. “I
couldn’t sleep, hyung,” he says.
Seunghyun exhales noisily. “Did we keep you up?” There’s more shuffling, and
the noise of a drawer opening and closing. “Sorry Daesunggie.”
“It’s okay,” Daesung says. He stares straight up at the dark ceiling.
“My mom had this trick for making me fall asleep,” Seunghyun says, and then
with no warning he lies down next to Daesung, pressing his warm, heavy body
against Daesung’s. His hands move gently over Daesung’s face, feeling with a
tissue weight touch.
“Is that your temple?”
“No,” Daesung says. “It’s my cheek.”
“Sorry,” Seunghyun says, and then his hands move up to Daesung’s temples and he
starts stroking softly right at his hairline. It tickles, but it feels nice. He
starts singing quietly. He’s the rapper of the group, but he has a surpisingly
sweet voice.
Daesung closes his eyes.
“Is this helping?” Seunghyun asks. His breath is hot and sharp with booze and
Daesung can feel how tense he is.
“Yes,” Daesung says. “Thank you, hyung.”
Seunghyun doesn’t reply, but just keeps singing, and it must be that there is
some kind of magic to his mother’s trick because Daesung falls asleep not long
after.
He wakes when the alarm goes off. It is morning, and Seunghyun is gone.
When he goes out into the living room, it’s spotless clean, and he wonders if
maybe the entire thing was a dream – friends and soju bottles and cigarette
smoke and Seunghyun and all. But no, it isn’t, because the feel of Seunghyun’s
body along his and Seunghyun’s fingers stroking his hair are too vivid, as are
the dark circles under Seunghyun’s eyes when he finally appears, hair wet from
the shower.
“Did you sleep well?” he asks Daesung, sitting down across the table with his
rather pathetic breakfast.
“I did,” Daesung says, trying not to blush and staring down into his own bowl
of rice. “Thank you.” He wonders how Seunghyun slept last night, if he managed
to at all. He eats a bit of kimchi and wonders if he should say anything but
then the other guys come out and other conversations start and Big Seunghyun is
gently teasing Hyunseung about something and the moment when he could have
asked how his hyung slept has passed.
*****
Daesung doesn’t mean to be a good dancer.
He certainly doesn’t expect it, anyway. He never danced a step in his entire
life until he became a trainee. His dad didn’t let him watch the music channels
on the television – he disapproved of the guys in eyeliner and the girls in
skimpy outfits – so Daesung didn’t grow up mimicking those dances. He’s never
gone out to a club. And at the few school dances he attended, none of the girls
ever asked him to dance. He hadn’t expected to be asked.
He knows what he looks like.
But once again dance practice is at an end and instead of being scolded Daesung
has been praised. He wipes the sweat from his forehead and gathers up his
things, taking a long pull from his water bottle. The other guys are gathering
their things too – except for Big Seunghyun.
Like happens no less than twice a week, he’s been kept back.
Jiyong and Youngbae are ready to go, bags in hands and shoes already on.
Hyunseung and Little Seunghyun are already on their way to tutoring. Daesung is
supposed to be free now too, but …
“Daesung, you coming?” Jiyong asks, his beanie pulled low over his forehead.
“I’ll follow later, hyung” he says quietly.
Jiyong just shrugs and starts out the door. He’s got more work to do than the
rest of them, and he barely sleeps as it is.
Daesung sits cross-legged in the corner of the room and takes out some
schoolwork. He’s got a lot of studying to do if he wants to pass the exam and
get his high school equivalency. His heart tells him it doesn’t matter –
despite the odds, they are going to make it – but his head, and his father, say
otherwise. He puzzles through a few pages of algebra and tries to ignore the
sound of the upbraiding in the other room. It’s nothing he hasn’t heard before.
All of their teachers are harsh to one degree or another; they need to be, if
they’re going to turn a group of six gangly, awkward teenagers into successful
idols. But Jaewook hyung, the dance teacher, is the harshest of them all and
Big Seunghyun is by far the worst dancer of the group. He gets called stupid,
lazy, fat, childish, incompetent, and worse, and he takes it all, laughing it
off and turning it into a joke. He is a master at pretending like he doesn’t
really care too much about any of this, but Daesung knows better now.
It’s funny, in a way, because when Daesung first met Big Seunghyun he thought
he had his type down: the handsome, spoiled rich boy who’s never had to work
for anything in his life, who’s always the best without trying. Now he knows
that Seunghyun isn’t like that at all, even though he sometimes pretends to be.
Daesung isn’t nosy, but he worries about his hyung. He scoots closer to the
practice room door, and glances inside.
Jaewook and Seunghyun are standing in the far corner. Seunghyun’s head is bowed
as he gathers his things. His hair is damp with sweat, probably because he
insists on wearing his stupid sweatshirt all the time.
“I don’t expect you to be naturally good at it,” Jaewook says, not quietly. “I
don’t expect you to come in here and know what you’re doing the first time. But
it’s been months now, and you’re not practicing.”
“I am, hyung,” Seunghyun says sullenly. His hands are clasped behind his back,
and he doesn’t look up.
Jaewook rolls his eyes. “Do you think I’m stupid, Seunghyun? You come in, and
you put in your time, half heartedly, but you’re not making any extra effort.
None at all.” He steps closer. “Look at me right now and tell me you’re trying
as hard as you possibly can.”
Seunghyun doesn’t say anything. He can’t. Jaewook knows and Seunghyung knows
and Daesung knows too that he’s not trying as hard as he possibly can.
“Right,” Jaewook says. “Like I thought.” He steps back. “It’s not about having
the most talent. That’s not what matters the most. But I need to see you want
it …”
“I do,” Seunghyun says.
“Then show me,” Jaewook says, and he turns and walks towards the door.
Daesung scrambles back to his corner. Jaewook leaves without even glancing at
him. It’s a few moments before Seunghyun follows him through the door.
“Hyung,” Daesung says, tidying his notebook and putting it away. “I waited for
you.”
Seunghyun looks up, his big eyes dim. “You wanted to see me get reamed out,
huh?” he says, but he sounds glum and looks even glummer.
“Hyung, no,” Daesung says. “I don’t think you’re a bad dancer. Just …”
He’s not that bad a dancer, really. Daesung doesn’t know much about dancing,
but he doesn’t think Big Seunghyun is bad. He just gets embarrassed.
“I just don’t try, right?”
“No,” Daesung says. He frowns. “We can stay and practice if you want. I need it
too.”
Seunghyun rolls his eyes as he stuffs his things into his bag. “Don’t lie,” he
says. “You don’t.”
Daesung isn’t exactly lying. He could always use more practice. He knows he’s
not really cut out for this, and he needs every advantage he can get.
“Don’t make that face at me,” Seunghyun says, scowling and batting at Daesung’s
shoulder, mock annoyed. Daesung hadn’t even realized he was making a face. “I
don’t want to stay, though. Fuck practice.”
They take the stairs up to the first floor. There’s nobody in the lobby –
everyone’s gone home. Outside, it is night. Daesung never gets over that: they
go down into the basement studio mid-afternoon, and they come up hours later
and the sun is gone and everything is different. It’s nice, though, not to have
to take the subway home now. The walk back to the hostel is a pleasure in
comparison.
Seunghyun is still sulky. He’s got his whole uniform on: BAPE hoodie, black
backpack, headphones, beanie. It’s not really a uniform. Daesung just thinks
about it that way because he’s noticed that Seunghyun always wears it when he
wants to seem cool, or tough, or like he doesn’t care. It works until you get
to know him, and then you realize that he’s not especially any of those things.
“Hyung,” he says, and Seunghyun looks up, because even though he’s got his ear
buds in, he’s not actually listening to music. If it were a different night,
Daesung might tease him for that. “Let’s go get ice cream.”
Seunghyun’s eyes light up. Everyone knows about his soft spot for sweet things.
But then he sighs and shakes his head. “You’re trying to get me in trouble with
Hwangssabu.”
“I’m not,” Daesung says. “Come on. I want some.”
Daesung doesn’t really want any ice cream. He doesn’t like sweet things that
much, but he knows illicit ice cream will make Seunghyun feel better.
“Hwangssabu always knows,” Seunghyun says. “Every single time.”
Daesung shakes his head. “You tip him off because you look so guilty.” He takes
Seunghyun’s hand. “Come on. I’ll go to the gym with you for an extra hour
tomorrow. That will cancel it out, right?”
Seunghyun looks doubtful but his resolve isn’t strong at the best of times.
“Fine,” he says, resigned. “But if I get in trouble I’m saying it’s your
fault.”
Daesung makes a stupid pouty face. “Hyung, you can’t say that. You’re the
hyung, anyway.”
“You’re like fifty years more mature than me, and you know it,” Seunghyun
counters. He and Jiyong are always saying that, and Daesung doesn’t know
exactly what they mean. Even if he’s not the youngest of the group by age, he’s
definitely the most sheltered. He’s never even smoked a cigarette before. Big
Seunghyun is trying to quit a habit that’s already years old.
“I’m going to get red bean flavor,” Seunghyun says happily. “Or no … chocolate.
Or …” He’s already forgotten his protests of a moment before.
Daesung smiles. Seunghyun’s hand is still in his. If they get in trouble, he
won’t really mind so much. And even if Seunghyun does try to blame him when
they’re found out, well … it will probably be worth it anyway.
*****
“So how many girls have you kissed?” Little Seunghyun asks in a bored tone of
voice.
They are sitting at the kitchen table doing homework – Japanese for Little
Seunghyun, grammar for Hyunseung, and more math for Daesung.
“Huh?” Little Seunghyun’s question is out of nowhere, except it’s Little
Seunghyung and they all know he’s thinking about girls at least two thirds of
the time.
“Well, now that you’re living here, you’re one of us and you’ve got to dish the
dirt.” Little Seunghyun lifts his eyebrows, challenging.
Daesung frowns, because he been one of them all along, no matter what the
stupid maknae thinks. But he gets the point, kind of – now that he’s here, he’s
really one of them.
“I don’t have to tell you that,” he says. He can feel his cheeks starting to
turn red.
“Ah,” Little Seunghyun says sagely. “So none then.”
“What? What! No!” Daesung says, voice cracking. “I didn’t say that,
Seunghyunnie.”
Hyunseung snorts. He tries to keep free of Seunghyun’s nonsense, but it can be
difficult. “You’re such an jerk,” he tells Little Seunghyun, before he turns
back to his work.
“If you don’t want to say, it’s cool,” Little Seunghyun says. He is smirking,
and he could not telegraph his skepticism more blatantly if he called Daesung a
big fat liar.
“I’m not lying,” Daesung says, frowning. It’s not any of Little Seunghyun’s
business, really, but it makes Daesung angry. He knows he’s the ugly one – he
knows -- but Little Seunghyun doesn’t have to make it seem like it take some
kind of miracle for a girl to kiss him. “Her name was Park Minsuh.” He is
cheeks are bright red.
“Minsuh, huh?” Little Seunghyun narrows his eyes. “Was she pretty? Where’d you
meet her?”
Daesung wishes he hadn’t said anything. He doesn’t want to talk about this –
doesn’t want to talk about himself at all, honestly. “We were in school
together. She was in the music club with me.” His cheek are getting red. “She
was very pretty.”
“Racy,” Little Seunghyun says in a tone that suggests it is anything but. “So
how’d you end up kissing her?”
Daesung frowns. He puckers his lips and tries to say, “Like this.” But it comes
out all garbled.
Hyunseung laughs, at least. That was kind of the point. Daesung likes when he
can make his friends laugh.
Little Seunghyun just rolls his eyes though. In matters of the heart, he
doesn’t fool around. “I mean, was it like, at a party? After school? Did you
date her, Daesung? You dog …”
“No,” Daesung says, alarmed at this conjecture. “No, no. We were just friends.
Just, after vocal lessons one time …”
“Oooh, just one time after vocal lessons, huh?” Little Seunghyun grins. “I see
how it is.”
Daesung likes his dongsaeng. Really he does, even though out of any two members
in the group they have the least in common. But there are times – like right
now – when he wants to slap the stupid smirk right off Little Seunghyun’s face.
He’d never do that though. He’d never do anything as stupid as that.
“No,” he says again. “Ah, Seunghyunnie, you’re trying to make it sound like I
…”
The door opens then. The hyungs are home.
They went out, the three of them, to get food. They aren’t burdened with
schoolwork any longer; they’ve graduated, and the time the dongsaengs spend on
homework is free time for the hyungs.
“Hey,” Jiyong says. “What are you all yelling about?”
His eyes are a little glazed, and his cheeks are a bit red, and he is a little
disheveled. Big Seunghyun looks marginally more put together, but only just a
little. Youngbae is fine, but then he does not drink.
“Daesung is telling us about his girlfriend,” Little Seunghyun says, grinning.
“She wasn’t my girlfriend,” Daesung says, angry and annoyed. He doesn’t like
this.
“Ooh, a girlfriend?” Jiyong’s eyes light up. When he’s not forced to don the
mantle of responsible leader, he likes to gossip better than any of them. “Come
on, Daesunggie, spill.”
“She was just a girl,” he says, staring down at his worksheets. The numbers and
plus signs and parentheses are a meaningless jumble.
“Who you kissed,” Little Seunghyun says, goading.
Big Seunghyun smacks him in the head, and he winces.
“Maknae, don’t you have enough embarrassing stories of your own? Why do you
need to know Daesung’s?”
“It makes me feel better,” Little Seunghyun says, undismayed.
“It wasn’t embarrassing,” Daesung says. His voice his high and shrill and even
though these guys are about as close to him as anyone is, he is still ashamed.
“It was just a kiss. Once. After vocal lessons.”
Little Seunghyun rolls his eyes. “I should have figured that would be it,” he
says.
Big Seunghyun smacks him again. “Leave Daesung alone,” he says. “We could start
asking questions about how many girls you’ve kissed …”
Little Seunghyun’s cheeks start to flush. “Well, uh ….”
Jiyong grins and laughs. “You deserved that one,” he says.
Youngbae just shakes his head. “Stop messing around,” he says, and he goes to
get a bottle of water from the fridge, but nobody really pays any attention,
because Jiyong’s eyes are still bright with curiosity and both Seunghyuns are
watching too and even Hyunseung has stopped pretending to work on his
composition.
Daesung should have just said he’d never kissed anyone. That would have been
embarrassing, but no more embarrassing than this.
“She’s my age,” he says, staring mostly at the table.
There are some stains and some crusty bits of dried-out rice from last night’s
dinner. It had been Big Seunghyun and Jiyong’s turn to clean up, which is
always a bad combination because they end up talking about lyrics or about this
new foreign album Jiyong had downloaded or this café Seunghyun went to with the
prettiest waitresses and they get distracted and leave everything a mess. And
since they’re the hyungs, it’s not like Daesung can say anything. Youngbae
does, sometimes, but Jiyong has a way of laughing and scrunching his eyes that
seems to get Youngbae to forget whatever it is he’s unhappy about.
“And?” Little Seunghyun is tapping his pencil against the table.
Daesung clears his throat. “Her parents were really strict,” he says. “And you
know how my dad is. Neither of us had ever … you know. Dated. We stayed late to
clean the chalkboard in the music room, and she was complaining about how a boy
in her class asked her to the mall and her parents would never let her go …”
“ … And so you swept her into your arms and told her that if her love for you
was true you would confront her father?” Jiyong keeps his face straight for
half a minute, and then giggles. Big Seunghyun grins too.
“No,” Daesung says, hanging his head, because that would have been way cooler
than what actually happened. “She said she was going to go anyway, and I told
her she better be careful her parents didn’t find out. Then she said she was
nervous to go because she’d never kissed anyone before, and what would she do
if the boy wanted to kiss her?”
They’re all watching him. Daesung doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it, and he
knows he’s not going to like it any better when the people watching are
anonymous fans. He doesn’t want to be the center of attention. He just wants to
sing.
“I said she should find someone to kiss her first, so she wouldn’t be so
nervous. And uh … I guess she didn’t understand what I meant because then she
smiled and then she kissed me.”
Little Seunghyun whistles. “I wish I could find me a woman like that.”
Jiyong snorts. “Don’t ever say things like that. Please.” He glances over at
Big Seunghyun and their eyes are mirthful and Daesung wishes they liked him
enough to let him in on the inside joke. He has no compunctions about making
fun of Little Seunghyun. None at all.
“So then what happened?” Hyunseung asks. He’s just been listening quietly. The
hyungs have already stopped paying attention. Jiyong has his pack of cigarettes
in his hand and is heading for the patio.
“She just said thank you and left,” Daesung says.
Little Seunghyun shakes his head. “That’s a pretty lame first kiss, hyung.” He
flips his workbook open again. The story is over, he’s confirmed that his hyung
is lame, and now he is totally disinterested.
“Oh,” Daesung says, feeling like a balloon that is slowly leaking air.
It hadn’t felt that bad, really. Her lips had been soft, and she had smelled
nice. It hadn’t been that good, either, but he figured he just needed more
practice.
Now he just feels kind of sick. How is he ever going to be an idol and sing
about love and romance and all that if he can’t even kiss a girl without it
being a joke?
*****
The room is starting to feel a little bit like home. It’s still weird to wake
up and see Big Seunghyun’s Notorious B.I.G poster (and Daesung hadn’t even know
who that was until Big Seunghyun told him) instead of the Doraemon poster he
had on his own wall, but it’s okay. It’s different, but not bad. He sits cross-
legged on the bed thinking about sending a text to his noona. His homework is
done, and Bohyung noona brought dinner, and almost all of the bad feelings from
earlier are gone.
The door opens. Big Seunghyun comes in wearing bright pink sleep pants with
multi-colored stars, his pink camouflage hoodie and a towel wrapped around his
head like a turban. Even so he still manages to look handsome and cool. Daesung
is a little jealous.
“Hey,” he says, rooting around in the mess on his dresser. “I thought it was
nice, what you did for that girl. Romantic.”
“Huh?” Daesung is confused. “Hyung, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t mean to,
anyway.”
Seunghyun stops fussing with his stuff and drops his towel on the floor. His
long hair hands in dark clumps over his face. He shrugs. “You made her feel
better and you weren’t a jerk about it. That’s pretty romantic.”
Daesung had no idea. “Really?”
“I think so,” Seunghyun says. He’s had a real relationship, too, with an older
woman, so Daesung figures he must at least have some idea what he’s talking
about.
“Wow,” Daesung says. “I didn’t know I knew how to be romantic.”
Seunghyun cracks up. “It’s not like becoming an singer,” he says. “You can’t
study romance for ten hours a day and then debut as a ladies’ man, although I
know Little Seunghyun is giving it his best shot. You just have to be a nice,
and a good person.”
Daesung frowns. He was always nice to the old lady who lived down the block
when he was a kid. He would get groceries for her and never accept the money
she tried to hand him as a reward.
Seunghyun is watching him, and grinning.
“What?” Daesung asks. “Hyung, what?”
“Nothing,” Seunghyun says. “Just, everything you’re thinking is written on your
face.”
Daesung presses his hands to his cheeks, which makes Seunghyun laugh. He
actually doesn’t think Seunghyun is right. Wheesung is always telling him his
expressions and gestures are too artificial, too exaggerated, too much a mask -
- although he’s not sure what those false expressions could be masking. Daesung
is a simple person. He has nothing to hide.
“You don’t have to worry,” Seunghyun says. “You have a good heart, Daesung.”
“Oh,” Daesung says. He can’t think of anything funny to say to that. “Thanks,
hyung.”
Seunghyun just shrugs. “It’s the truth.”
It feels weird in the room now: closed in and too small even with the window
open. It’s eleven o’clock, which is early for them, but Daesung has never been
a night owl.
“I’m going to go to bed, hyung. Can I shut the light off?”
Seunghyun nods. “I’ll try to stay quiet.” Daesung hasn’t once yet gone to bed
later.
Daesung gets up. The floor is a little cold against his bare feet. He flips off
the light, and Seunghyun’s face is bathed in the glow of his cell phone screen.
Daesung flips his covers back and climbs under. He shuffles, getting
comfortable. He can see Seunghyun out of the corner of his eye.
“Good night, hyung.”
Seunghyun doesn’t say anything.
Daesung closes his eyes and tries to sleep.
*****
Daesung goes home on Sundays for church. He is not like Youngbae hyung, who is
bristling with confidence in his faith. Daesung liked church as a child because
he got to wear nice clothing, and he liked the stories, and it was the first
place he’d gotten to sing, his thin little-boy voice mingling with the voices
of all the other parishioners as they praised the Lord in song. He likes it
still for those reasons. In other ways though, he is less sure now than he was
when he was a child.
After church he goes back to his parents’ house and his mother makes dinner. He
notices that since he moved out she’s been making only his favorites. He sits
in the living room in the chair across from his father, who flips through the
newspaper and sedately grills Daesung about his training and about life in the
dorms.
“Your teachers haven’t scolded you?”
Daesung shakes his head. “No, abeoji,” he says. “They say I’m doing well.”
“Good,” his father says, flipping to another page in the newspaper. “If this is
going to be your career you need to treat it as seriously as you would
college.”
Daesung nods. He does treat it that seriously.
“And you keep your dorm clean?”
“Yes, sir,” Daesung says, although secretly he knows that the dusty floors and
forks with water stains would not pass his father’s muster. Still, for a group
of six young guys, the place is not that bad. Usually.
“I worry about you there,” his mother says, coming in from the kitchen with a
wash towel in her hands. “You look thinner. How are you managing to feed
yourselves?”
Sometimes Daesung feels like his parents were plucked straight from the set of
some unaired drama, so completely do they fulfill the roles assigned to him.
His mother really does care, though. He grins. “I cook a lot. I’m so glad you
taught me how.”
His mother smiles. “Sweetheart,” she says kindly. “But are you sure those other
boys are treating you well?”
“The hyungs are all really nice to me,” Daesung says honestly. “They help me
with everything.”
She does not look convinced. “What about that older boy? Seunghyun? He seems
like he’s a wild one …”
Daesung frowns.
“He’s really nice, Mom,” he says. “He’s a really good hyung, and he’s my
friend.”
She sighs. “If you say so. Now come in the kitchen. I’ve put together some
things you can take back with you and heat up this week, and I’ve got to give
you instructions.”
*****
The dorm is quiet by the time that Daesung returns. He is sleepy, full from his
mother’s good cooking, and worn out from the hot stifling subway ride. His
father offered to drive him but he refused; he didn’t move to the dorm to
inconvenience anyone. He takes the containers of food his mother packed and
puts them in the fridge. There’s plenty of space because honestly it is not
like food lasts very long in the dorm. Down the hall, he can see the light is
on in Jiyong’s room, but Jiyong still intimidates Daesung a little. He won’t
bother the leader.
The light is also on in the room that Youngbae shares with Little Seunghyun and
Hyunseung, but the light is off in his room. He wonders where Big Seunghyun has
gone. Out with friends, probably, or meeting the girl that Jiyong was teasing
him about at practice the day before, or home to his own mother for the
evening.
Daesung really likes his big hyung, but he welcomes the chance to be alone for
a little while. He pushes open the door and freezes.
Seunghyun hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s in his bed with his laptop open next to
him. Daesung can see the screen well enough to make out a naked lady – on her
back, her big breasts jiggling, her hand digging into the hair of a man whose
face is pressed into her …
You know. Down there.
Seunghyun doesn’t notice him at first, for good reason, because he’s got his
hand down his pants. He’s wearing just a tee shirt and it’s shucked up a little
bit and Daesung can see the pale, pale skin of his belly, the dark hair. He can
see Seunghyun’s dick, or the shape of it anyway, where it presses against the
thin fabric of his sleep pants.
“Well, if you’re going to come in, shut the door,” Seunghyun says in voice that
is even deeper and rougher and more choked than his normal voice.
Daesung tries to apologize … he tries to say something, anyway, but in his
haste he isn’t sure what. He nearly trips trying to get back out the door. In
the safety of the living room, he sits down at the table and closes his eyes.
Daesung isn’t dumb. He knows what sex is – kind of. And he's not a child. He
remembers -- years ago now -- waking up with his underpants sticky and being
terrified at first, and then slowly putting the puzzle pieces of school yard
gossip and timid internet searching and sly remarks on television shows he
wasn't supposed to be watching together. Daesung knows about masturbation, but
he is a good boy and he's never done it.
He's never even dreamed of doing what Seunghyun is.
His cheeks are so red they feel warm to the touch. He tries not to think about
it but he can't help it. The way the woman's breasts had moved was so weird. He
doesn’t know if it was a good kind of weird or a bad kind of weird, but it had
been mesmerizing, like watching a jelly fish swim. And Seunghyun’s hand in his
pants, wrapped around his dick … that had been … interesting. Interesting a way
that made him want to keep watching, Daesung thinks, and just the thought makes
him feel ashamed and weird and strangely giddy.
He stays in the living room for a while. He is worried that Seunghyun is going
to be mad, but mostly he is worried that he can’t stop thinking about it.
Nobody has wiped the table down in a few days so he gets the bottle of cleaner
and a dishrag and hee wipes down the counter tops, and the handles of all the
cupboards, and then because the light is still off in the room he shares with
Seunghyun he takes everything out of the refrigerator and he wipes that out as
well. There is a container nearly full of fried rice in the back of the fridge
that's molded over. He remembers making it with Seunghyun, both of them tired
and hungry, and they'd stupidly added too much vinegar and too much sugar. It
had been so inedible that even Seunghyun wouldn't eat it, but they'd put it in
the fridge anyway. Now, Daesung throws it out, container and all.
The kitchen is clean, and the floor is swept, and he still feels weird and
tingly and nervous. It's nearly one in the morning. He's used to late nights
but Daesung isn't as good at them as the other guys. He had a bed time when he
was growing up, and he's still getting used to only three or four or five hours
of sleep a night.
He has to go to bed. For a moment he thinks about sleeping on the couch, but
he's fallen asleep there before and it's really uncomfortable. They have dance
practice in the morning and he doesn't want to get scolded for not making an
effort because his back is stiff.
He takes a deep breath, gathers his things, and goes into his room.
Seunghyun is sitting on his bed with his legs crossed. He has his headphones on
and is looking at something on his computer. When Daesung comes in he looks up.
"Thought you'd be gone longer," he says. "Sorry."
He doesn't sound that sorry though. He doesn’t even look up from his computer
once.
Daesung swallows. "I have to go brush my teeth," he says.
He takes a long time in the bathroom, brushing his teeth and washing his face.
His skin is looking bad lately. He picks at a zit and sighs. He’ll have to ask
Bohyung-noona if he can go to the dermatologist.
He can only delay for so long, but his worries are for nothing. When he goes
back to the room, Seunghyun has put his laptop away and if he is not asleep
he's pretending to be so convincingly.
Daesung is thankful, but it still takes him too long to fall asleep himself,
and even once he does it is restive and full of uncertain dreams.
*****
"Hyung," Daesung says. "Can I ..."
He is in the recording studio with Jiyong – just the two of them, which is
uncommon. Jiyong is reworking some lyrics, and Daesung is supposedly there to
help, but really he is just sitting in a comfortable chair and worrying.
Jiyong looks up, confused. "Huh? What?" He takes his headphones off.
Daesung had hoped Jiyong wouldn't hear him. He doesn't really want to ask this
question, but ...
"Can I ask you a question?" Daesung closes his eyes. "As a man?"
Jiyong keeps a straight face, but only just barely. "Of course," he says. He
puffs his chest a little. "I'm the leader, Daesung. If there's anything you
need to ask, you should ask me."
Jiyong puts a hand on his knee, comfortably. He looks really tired but pretty
good anyway. He's been training to be a star since he was a kid, and he's
already been in videos and written songs and everything. Most trainees never
even get that far. Daesung knows it must be a burden for Jiyong, having to be
in a group with goofy, ugly amateurs. He doesn't want to burden the leader any
more than he already has.
Besides, he can't even think about asking 'I walked in on Seunghyun-hyung
touching himself and it looked like it felt kind of good and I never did that
before but now I can't stop thinking about it and is that weird?' without
blushing instantly. He's blushing even now.
"You just turned bright red. Like, tomato red," Jiyong says. "Are you not
feeling well again? Seriously Daesung, you have to say something if you're
sick. Noona will take you to the doctor ..."
Daesung hangs his head, embarrassed, but so incredibly glad for an out. There's
no way he can ask Jiyong.
"Sorry," he says. "I haven’t been feeling well, but I didn't want inconvenience
anyone."
"You've got to take care of yourself," Jiyong says. "I'll tell Bohyung."
"Thanks, hyung," Daesung says, relieved.
Jiyong just shakes his head. "You're too stressed," he says. "You need to do
something to relax, Daesung. Tension is bad for you."
Daesung nod. He’s been so jumpy lately he feels like his skin could split
apart, but the only thing he thinks might make him feel better is the thing he
doesn’t really understand at all.
*****
"Youngbae hyung, can I ask you a question?"
Youngbae has a pained expression on his face. He is bent forward trying to
touch his forehead to the ground, but although he is certainly the most
athletic of them and arguably the most flexible his tight hamstrings won't let
him extend all the way.
"Yeah Daesung," he says, teeth grit.
Daesung is spotting. The other guys are far away on the other side of the room
with Hwangssabu, who is trying to get a flailing Big Seunghyun to successfully
do a handstand.
"Do you think ... "
Across the room, Hwangssabu scolds Big Seunghyun loudly. Daesung focuses on the
line of vertebrae that runs down the center of Youngbae's back.
"Do you think it's wrong to ... y'know ... touch yourself? Down there?"
Youngbae immediately sits up, abandoning the pose. "Daesung, why are you asking
me that?"
Daesung coughs. "Uh. I just. I heard some of the dancers talking about it and I
was wondering because I always thought it was really bad but they way they were
talking made it sound uh, really good."
Youngbae looks at him gravely. "Daesung, I'm glad you came to me but if you're
being tempted, you should talk to a priest." He touches Daesung's wrist,
softly. "There are a lot of temptations. I know that, but you're strong."
Daesung nods. He isn't really sure what they're talking about any more, but
he's touched.
*****
There is no way he will ever, ever ask Little Seunghyun, because Little
Seunghyun is some kind of porn aficionado. He spends way more time than he
should at the computer in Jiyong’s room, and they all know what he’s doing.
Jiyong even found a magazine once in Little Seunghyun’s stuff, an imported one
with American women with blonde hair and huge breasts. Jiyong and Big Seunghyun
had made fun of him horribly even though Little Seunghyun claimed it was a
setup and the magazine was in no uncertain words not his.
Yeah. There's no way that Daesung is asking Little Seunghyun.
*****
He can't stop thinking about it. That's the problem. Daesung is really, really
good at ignoring things but he can't stop thinking about the way Seunghyun's
face had looked: his eyes soft, his long lashes nearly brushing his cheeks, and
his mouth kind of puckered. And he can't stop thinking about the way that
Seunghyun's hard-on had pressed against his pajama pants so obscenely, and the
little noise he'd made as he'd jerked himself.
(He doesn't think much about the girl in the video, with the breasts that had
quivered like red bean jelly, but he really doesn't want to think too much
about why.)
He dreams about it, a confused blur of the naked women and Seunghyun -- his
pale, hidden chest, his cheekbones, his wrists. Daesung wakes up in the dark
well before their alarm is set to go off. Seunghyun is sleeping in the other
bed, breathing noisily. Daesung's pants are tented. He's never done it before
but he wants to do what Seunghyun had been doing. He really, really wants too,
but he's too embarrassed.
He walks to the bathroom with a towel held to his groin even though nobody else
is awake. They won’t be for hours. He undresses gingerly and stands under cold,
cold water until he feels slightly more in control – but only just barely.
*****
"Hyunseung," Daesung says as they're walking back to the dorms late. They
stayed for extra vocal practice.
"Daesung," Hyunseung says. His hood is pulled up. He gets quiet sometimes in a
way that Daesung wishes he could.
"Um," Daesung says.
Neither of them are exactly what you'd call articulate. Neither of them are
very good at opening up.
"Ah," Hyunseung says, after the pause grows uncomfortable.
"Um," Daesung says again. "Yeah."
Hyunseung just stares straight ahead.
"Nevermind," Daesung says under his breath.
Hyunseung looks incredibly relieved.
 
*****
 
"Seunghyun-hyung," Daesung says. "Remember when I walked in on you watching
porn?"
He watches his reflection in the mirror. He's not very good at keeping his face
straight yet. He has to ask Seunghyun. He thinks he might go crazy if he
doesn't, because he can't stop thinking about it. He has to ask him, but he
just can't
Then the bedroom door opens. It's Seunghyun.
"Hyung!" Daesung is startled. Seunghyun is supposed to be late at training
tonight, working out with Hwangssabu. "What are you doing home?"
"Hwangssabu kicked me out," Seunghyun says, miserable. "He told me to go home
if I was just going to goof off." He drops his bag at the end of the bed.
"Yang sanjangnim is going to call you to his office again, hyung," Daesung
says, unhappily.
Seunghyun just snorts. "Let him. If he wants to ream me out, let him. Maybe
this time he'll piss me off so much I'll just quit."
Daesung frowns.
"Jiyong hyung would be really upset," he says.
Seunghyun has his back turned, but Daesung can see the way he stands up a
little straighter. "Let him be upset. He should have told me he was signing me
up to be a clown in the circus."
"You don't mean that," Daesung says.
"Whatever," Seunghyun says. He drops heavily on his bed, pulls out his iPod,
and starts listening to music.
Daesung tidies his dresser, for lack of anything better to do. Seunghyun looks
angry. He's really worried that he's not good enough, Daesung thinks, but he
hates when anyone tries to tell him he can do better.
His hyung is a strange, complicated guy, and Daesung still needs to ask him a
question. He's the only one Daesung can ask. This is far from a good time, but
maybe fielding stupid questions from his dongsaeng will be a welcome
distraction.
"Hyung," he says. Then, louder, "Hyung!"
"Yeah, Daesung?" Seunghyun still looks angry. Daesung hopes he doesn't get even
angrier.
"Um, remember the other day when I came home and you were .... ?"
Daesung knows his cheeks are red again. He hates how easily he gets
embarrassed.
"I already said I was sorry," Seunghyun says, eyes narrowing, arms crossed over
his chest. "I didn't think ..."
"No," Daesung says. "Um. No. I was just .... Uh." he takes a deep breath. "Um.
Is ...? Were you …? How did you learn how to do that, exactly?"
Great. Daesung sounds like he's some kind of idiot.
Seunghyun's eyes are really wide. "Where did I learn how to ...?"
Daesung groans. "Hyung, come on. Don't make me say it."
"Daesunggie, are you telling me you've never rubbed one out? Not even once?"
"You're not supposed to," Daesung says, quietly. He feels really, really dumb.
“It’s wrong.”
"Wow," Seunghyun says. "Wow. I mean, not even one time?"
Daesung shakes his head, frowning. "I didn't ... I mean ..." His throat is
really dry and he can't believe he's even saying this. "I kept thinking about
it. I tried to ask the other hyungs, but nobody else would explain it to me."
Seunghyun grins. "Are you telling me you asked Jiyong and Youngbae how to jerk
off?"
Daesung hangs his head. "I couldn't ask Jiyong-hyung. And Youngbae told me to
go talk to a priest."
Seunghyun cracks up. "Oh, I would have paid money to see that." His eyes look
bright, the way they look when he's thinking up some joke to play on Bohyung-
noona or scheming how to cheat on his horrible diet. "You should have asked the
maknae. He would have told you."
Daesung pouts. "Hyung, you know if I asked him he would never let me hear the
end of it. I figured ... you know ... since you're the big hyung you'd be the
best one to ask." And you're the one I saw, Daesung thinks -- but he doesn’t
say that.
Seunghyun rubs his hands together. "So you've looked at porn, right? Tell me
you've at least snuck a glance at one dirty magazine in the bathroom at
school?"
Feeling small, Daesung shakes his head.
Seunghyun's eyes go wider, amazed. "You're the purest guy in Seoul, Daesung."
"Hyung," Daesung says, a little miserable. "Don't make fun of me."
"I'm not," Seunghyun says. "I'm impressed."
“It’s really not funny,” Daesung says. “I feel stupid.”
“You shouldn’t feel stupid,” Seunghyun says. He frowns. “Do you want to learn?
I can teach you.”
Daesung nods, so embarrassed he can’t even look at Seunghyun.
Seunghyun takes out his phone. "My next day off is Saturday. What do you have
then?"
"Just school in the morning," Daesung says.
Seunghyun looks pleased. "Good," he says. "Leave everything to me."
Daesung nods, but he is very worried. It's really awkward now. It's a relief
when Daesung hears the front door open. The other guys are home. Daesung smiles
bravely and says, "Thanks, hyung."
He doesn't wait to hear Seunghyun's response before he goes to the living room
to help start dinner. He’s not really dying to do extra chores, but it’s way
better than sitting there in that uncomfortable silence. He doesn’t really
trust Jiyong and Hyunseung to cook something edible anyway.
*****
Daesung has never taken so many cold showers as he does that week. His nerves
are taking revenge. He feels jittery and on edge, and he jumps a foot in the
air every time someone touches him. He's lucky that they're so busy. There’s
dance practice every day and vocal practice five days a week and even once a
trip to the hair salon, where Daesung gets a haircut that Jiyong teasingly says
makes him look like a hedgehog.
Big Seunghyun keeps his distance, but once in a while he'll catch Daesung's
eyes and he'll grin, sharp and funny and Daesung feels his heart do a little
dance. He gets why the schoolgirl fans that show up outside the YG headquarters
get so giggly and foolish with Big Seunghyun is around.
School lessons on Saturday morning are interminable. Daesung is nervous and
gives the wrong answers to simple vocabulary questions until their tutor clucks
her tongue in dismay and stops asking him. He is silent on the walk home, half
listening to Little Seunghyun boast to Hyunseung about how one of Dongwook
hyung's stylists had called him cute.
"You're making that up," Hyunseung says.
"I'm totally not," Little Seunghyun says. "You can ask Teddy hyung. He was in
the elevator too. She said she thought my new haircut was 'sooo cute'."
"Well that's not the same thing as saying you're cute," Hyunseung says, cross.
Little Seunghyun rolls his eyes. "It's close enough," he says smugly.
Daesung should say something. He's oldest of the three of them. He knows Jiyong
would rap Little Seunghyun on the back of the head with his knuckles and tell
him to cut it out and Youngbae would put his arm around Hyunseung's shoulder
and get him to smile by telling him how well he danced and Big Seunghyun would
probably get them all to laugh by making some really horrible joke. But the
older guys aren't here, and Daesung is nervous -- more nervous even than when
he'd auditioned for YG -- and so he just lets them bicker all the way home,
until Hyunseung's brow is deeply furrowed. The minute they walk inside he goes
into the bedroom, slamming the door.
Jiyong is sitting at the table, sheet music spread in front of him. "What's
wrong with him?"
Little Seunghyun shrugs. "Got me, hyung."
Daesung frowns. "Seunghyun was boasting," he says, feeling not too bad about
snitching. Little Seunghyun has it coming.
Jiyong's eyes narrow. "What did you do?"
Little Seunghyun puts his hands up. "I didn't do anything, hyung! I was just
telling him about how Dongwook hyung's cordi-noona called me cute and he got
all grumpy. It's not my fault noonas like me."
Jiyong's expression could burn a hole in the wall, but Little Seunghyun is not
phased.
"Go apologize to your hyung," Jiyong says.
"But I didn't ..."
"Go, or I'm going to tell Bohyung noona and you know she'll assign you all the
dorm chores for a month." Jiyong's expression is set.
Little Seunghyun clenches his fists, but he hates chores, even more than Big
Seunghyun. He goes, but he does not look happy.
"What are we going to do with him?" Jiyong says, mostly to himself.
Daesung smiles. "He's really young still," he says.
Jiyong laughs. "He's only a year younger than you."
"Well, yeah," Daesung says.
"You've just got the soul of an old man, Daesung."
Daesung smiles, because he knows Jiyong means it as a compliment, but he has
never felt as nervous or as young as he does today.
"Where's Seunghyun hyung?"
Jiyong shrugs. "He went out. Said he had to get something at the store, but
he'd be back later."
Daesung nods. Jiyong turns his attention to his music, and even though he
doesn't say anything, it's clear enough to Daesung that he wants to be left
alone.
He knows that Jiyong likes him, really, but he knows also that it is a
disappointment to him that after all of his hard work he's being forced into an
idol group with a bunch of half-trained kids. Considering the circumstances,
Daesung thinks he actually does a really good job not letting his resentment
show.
He goes into his room. He turns on the light and notices right away that
Seunghyun has tidied up. The permanent layer of dirty clothes on the floor (all
Seunghyun's) have been put into the hamper, and both beds are neatly made. It
would have been better if he hadn't cleaned, Daesung thinks. The abnormal
tidiness just makes him feel ill at ease.
He changes into clean clothing and washes his face in the bathroom. Seunghyun
still isn't home. Daesung borrows some manhwa from Hyunseung and flips through
them without much interesting. He's been speculating about what Seunghyun is
going to show him, speculations that make him flush and giddy, but now he
wonders if maybe he did something wrong in asking, if Seunghyun is offended and
thinks he's some kind of degenerate ...
He hears the front door open. Seunghyun is home. Daesung hears him greet Jiyong
in the kitchen. He tries to read another page of the manwha, but he can't
focus. He just stares at the words without understanding one of them.
The door swings open.
"Just the man I was looking for," Seunghyun says.
Daesung feels the pressure in his stomach disperse. "Hello, hyung."
Seunghyun throws his backpack on the floor. "You look so scared. Don't worry,"
he says, laughing. "It's not scary. It's natural."
"It?"
"Masturbation," Seunghyun says. "Jerking off. Wanking. Choking the chicken."
Daesung giggles, nervous and high-pitched. "What is that even supposed to
mean?"
Seunghyun shrugs. "I don't know. I heard it in some American song. It's funny,
right?"
Daesung grins. "It sounds like some kind of farm chore."
Seunghyun is getting his laptop out. He's the only one of them besides Jiyong
who has his own computer. He doesn't talk about his family that much but
Daesung knows they must be pretty rich. Seunghyun always has more pocket money
than the rest of them. His clothes are nicer, and he has nicer things. Daesung
isn't jealous, because Seunghyun's told him about how it's going to be once
they're famous -- they'll all have plenty of money to buy whatever they want.
That sounds good, Daesung thinks, but he knows he'll probably just give his to
his parents.
"Okay," Seunghyun says, patting the bed beside him. "Get over here."
Daesung sits down at the very end of the bed, his hands folded in his lap.
Seunghyun grabs at his sleeve. "Not so far," he says. "You have to be able to
see."
Daesung moves a little closer, and even that seems too close. Seunghyun is
right beside him. Daesung likes it, and he's not sure if he should.
"Here we go," Seunghyun says. "I really like this one." He sounds strange,
Daesung thinks, and then he doesn't thing at all because Seunghyun presses
play, and the movie starts.
There is a woman who is standing in what looks like a locker room. She isn't
that young, and her face isn't exactly what you'd call lovely, but her breasts
are really round, and her long, long legs are really nice. She's wearing these
tiny shorts that are so short Daesung can see where her thigh starts to turn
into her ass.
She takes off her top.
Her breasts are big, with big, pink-brown nipples that stick out a little.
Daesung likes it when she runs her hand up her body, along the curve of her
waist, her rib cage, and then cups the bottom of her breasts. They're so big
they're more than a handful; there are little shadows where her fingertips
press in.
She moans.
Seunghyun shifts beside him. The bed creaks. This is not new furniture.
Seunghyun makes a little noise, deep in his throat. Daesung glances over. His
hyung is already hard, palming the head of his dick through his pants.
Daesung swallows. He's hard too, but even though he knows that the point of
this is too touch himself, he doesn't. He's nervous.
On screen the woman has taken off her shorts. She is shaved naked down there.
She runs her finger along that bare skin. There's a flash of pinker flesh.
There is a bottle of lotion on the bed. Seunghyun opens the cap and squeezes
some into his palm. He tosses it towards Daesung.
"Here," he says, and his voice is so choked and rough that Daesung can nearly
feel it.
Daesung puts some lotion in his hand, and glances over, because he's not sure
what he's supposed to do now.
Seunghyun's eyes are fixed on the screen, where the woman is laying back on the
wooden bench, one leg bent, and two fingers pressed deep inside herself. She
pushes them in, and slides them out, and when she does they are wet, just from
her body. Seunghyun has unzipped his jeans, and pushed them down a little.
Daesung can see a little of the pale skin of his thighs, a little of his dark
public hair, but mostly he can see Seunghyun's cock, which is big and dark.
There's a little bead of milky liquid at the top. Seunghyun rubs his thumb
against the slit, and grunts. He fists his cock and starts to pump, slowly, and
then faster. His shoulders are hunched forward, and in the glow of the computer
screen he looks very beautiful.
Daesung thinks he might come just from looking. He closes his eyes and takes a
breath, and then slowly, slowly pushes his sweatpants a little down his own
thighs. He slides his hand under the waistband of his briefs and circles his
dick with his thumb and forefinger.
Just that bare nothing of a touch feels so good, and he knows somehow that if
he keeps moving it'll feel better. He jerks himself, slowly, and oh. Oh. It
does feel good. It feels so good, and he thinks that he's been kind of stupid
not to have tried this out before. Beside him, Seunghyun is breathing heavy,
and the way the red fat head of his cock looks as it bobs between his circled
fingers makes Daesung feel like he can’t even breath.
The feeling is too much. His hand moves faster, even though the elastic of his
briefs is uncomfortable against his wrist. The woman on screen is in a shower
now, legs spread wide so you can see everything. Her hair and her pale body are
wet, glistening, and she's gorgeous -- but Daesung keeps sneaking glances at
Seunghyun.
What would it be like, he thinks, if it were Seunghyun's hand around his cock,
or his around Seunghyun's?
That is the thought that does it. With a startled noise he comes, white, thick
ropes of cum on his belly, his hand, on the hem of his shirt. His hand is
cramped, and his dick is getting soft, and his body feels full of some strange
energy. Sated on it.
He looks up. Seunghyun is watching him. Their eyes meet, and Daesung thinks he
should laugh or smile or something, but he can't do anything but stare. The
woman on screen reaches her own climax, a cascade of exaggerated moans.
Daesung's lips are dry. He licks them.
Seunghyun moans and spills all over his hand.
It's a long moment before either of them says anything. The only noise is the
film, the woman breathlessly quavering through the throes of her orgasm and the
shower patter.
"It was good, right?" Seunghyun says, a little breathless. His chest is heaving
still.
Daesung feels like laughing, or crying, or something. "It was good," he says,
but really, it was a lot more than that.
"You can get cleaned up first," Seunghyun says, wiping himself off on his
shirt.
"Thanks, hyung," Daesung says.
Seunghyun is looking at him expectant, like there's something else he thinks
Daesung is going to say, but his eyes are sleepy and hard to meet and Daesung
pulls his pants up and nearly falls getting off the bed. He nearly sprints to
the bathroom, not even checking to see if anyone is out in the hall.
It's funny that the reflection in the mirror doesn't look any different. He
feels different. He feels like a totally different person, raw and new inside
and out. He feels good, but nervous too.
He doesn't know how he's ever going to face his hyung. It wasn't the woman he
was thinking about as he came. It was Seunghyun.
*****
Seunghyun is still asleep when Daesung wakes up the next morning. He's still
asleep when Daesung comes back from the bathroom, dressed for practice. He
doesn't wake up when Daesung shuts the squeaky top drawer in his dresser. He
doesn't wake up when he accidentally stumbles into the desk chair.
Sometimes Daesung is really glad his hyung sleeps like the dead.
He's surprised when he enters the kitchen to see Bohyung there. Something
smells wonderful, and he realizes she's cooked for them -- spicy beansprout
soup, fluffy rice that hasn't just been reheated in the microwave, more side
dishes than they usually see in a week. Youngbae and Little Seunghyun and even
Jiyong are already at the table, practically inhaling the good food.
"Noona," Daesung says, "What's all this for?"
She smiles at him. "I can't come and cook a nice meal for my boys?"
"Noona ..."
She laughs at him. "You're too suspicious for someone so young, Daesung-ah,"
she says. She pushes him into a chair and hands him a bowl heaped with rice.
"That's good, in this business."
Big Seunghyun stumbles out of the bedroom just a moment before Bohyung goes to
yell at him for being late. On the ride to the studio, he sits next to Jiyong
and they listen to something on his iPod together, one earbud in each of their
ears. Daesung sits in the back corner of the van, next to Little Seunghyun, who
falls asleep two minutes into the ride, his head resting heavily on Daesung's
shoulder.
Practice goes poorly that day. Little Seunghyun tries to show off and ends up
falling flat on his face. His cheekbone is swollen and red and looks likely to
bruise. Hyunseung is quiet and sullen, knit cap pulled down low. Big Seunghyun
is tired and clumsy, and Daesung startles and nearly trips when their dance
teacher puts a hand on his shoulder to correct his posture.
"You need to relax," he says. "And you're not extending your foot enough when
you pivot around into the next pose. Try it again."
Daesung takes a deep breath and tries again. He doesn't feel like he's done
better, but the teacher moves on to scold Hyunseung for his expressionless
face.
The day seems even longer than usual. Daesung is exhausted by the time they're
let go. Nobody's in a good mood, not even Youngbae and Jiyong, who are supposed
to be used to this.
There's no car back to the dorm. They walk home. It's a cool evening for the
spring season. Daesung wishes he'd brought a heavier coat. He wishes they could
stop and get some hot chocolate, but he has no pocket money right now.
Someone puts a hand on his shoulder, and he thinks for a horrible moment it's a
mugger but then he looks up and he sees it's Big Seunghyun.
He blushes, reflexively. He hopes he gets over this soon, because he can't just
turn bright red every time he sees his hyung.
"Hey," Seunghyun says. "I told Jiyong we were going to go to the store."
"Oh," Daesung says. He shoves his hands in his pocket. "Um. What do you need at
the store?"
Seunghyun rolls his eyes. "I don't need anything. I just figured we should talk
or something."
"Oh," Daesung says, and he feels like his heart is frozen in his chest, because
somehow, Seunghyun knows what he was thinking about last night while ... while
he jerked himself off. He knows, and Daesung doesn't even think he can deny it.
"Let's go to the park," Seunghyun says. There's a tiny, neglected park a few
blocks from their dorm. Some other teenagers there, school-aged kids are
sprawled on the park benches smoking cigarettes. They look like the kind of
kids that used to sit in the back of room and cause problems in Daesung’s high
school. It's funny to think about being in school, now, even though he was a
student until just a few months ago.
Seunghyun leads him away from those kids to the other side of the park. He sits
down on a curb, and even takes out his ear buds. Daesung knows this is serious.
He tucks his hands under his thighs to stop them from shaking.
Seunghyun takes a pack of cigarettes out of his bag and shakes one out. He
offers the pack to Daesung, but Daesung shakes his head. Smoking is bad, and
Seunghyun should quit. He needs to be taking care of his voice. He lights up
and inhales deeply. When he exhales, the smoke rises up in a thin trail before
fading. He makes even that look really cool.
"The cameras are pretty weird," Seunghyun says.
"Huh?" Daesung is practically too nervous to breathe, and Seunghyun is talking
about the cameras. This is not what he expects.
"They're just weird," Seunghyun says. "Bohyung noona says to pretend they're
not there, but it’s not like anybody is going to be filming six sweaty guys who
can’t dance for no reason, right? I can’t not think about why those stupid
cameras are there."
"We don't dance that badly, hyung," Daesung protests halfheartedly.
"We don't dance that well, either," Seunghyun says.
"I think we're getting better," Daesung says. He's still cold, and the damp is
starting to soak into the seat of his pants. "We have to get better, right?"
Seunghyun shrugs. "If we're going to actually debut, yeah. We've got to get
better, I guess."
"We're going to debut," Daesung says. There's no going back from this, and
they're working harder even then they would be in school, cramming for the
college entrance exams. They have to debut. They have to at least get that far.
Seunghyun takes out another cigarette and lights it on the butt of his last. He
stubs that out on the ground.
"So," he says.
Daesung closes his eyes. Maybe if he doesn't open them everything will just
stay where it is, frozen, and Seunghyun won't speak another word.
It doesn't work.
"Last night was ..." Daesung feels a hand on his cheek. "Hey, look at me. I'm
trying to make a gesture or something."
He looks, and Seunghyun doesn't look angry, really. He's scowling, but it's
that playful scowl that Daesung knows is just his way of smiling sometimes.
"It felt good, huh?" Seunghyun said to look, but now he is barely meeting
Daesung's eyes.
Daesung nods.
"If you wanted to," Seunghyun says slowly. He's so start and stop with his
words when he speaks that it's hard to believe he can rap so well. "If you
wanted to, I could show you other stuff." His cheeks are a little red too.
"Like what?" Daesung wants to learn.
"Kissing and stuff," Seunghyun says. "I don't know. There's lots."
"Ah," Daesung says. He's still sitting on his hands, but the nervous feeling is
changing, getting lighter, like here are a lot of butterflies tickling his
insides. "I want to learn," he says softly.
"Jeeze," Seunghyun says. "Don't make it sound so serious. I figure it's my job
as your hyung to at least make it so Little Seunghyun can't embarrass you. He's
such a punk."
Daesung hangs his head, because it is embarrassing that at sixteen Little
Seunghyun is way better at this stuff than he's ever going to be.
Across the park, one of the kids yells, and then another. They're screaming
nonsense to each other, more absurd than angry. They stop, and then Seunghyun
screams too, louder and deeper than either of them.
There's a moment of silence and then the sound of rubber on concrete as the
kids run away.
Daesung looks at Seunghyun. He's sneering and throwing up his fist like he's
some kind of tough guy but he looks so stupid that Daesung can't help himself.
He starts laughing, and then he just can't stop. His absurd, high-pitched
giggle sounds too loud, and Seunghyun starts laughing too, deeper but just as
giddy. Daesung leans into him and Seunghyun leans back, his head on Daesung's
shoulder, and it feels warm and good and close.
Even once they manage to stop laughing Daesung still has a stupid grin on his
face.
"If they had seen you they wouldn't have run away," he says.
"Hey," Seunghyun says. "I'm really tough, you know?"
"Sure, hyung," Daesung says.
Seunghyun takes out his phone and sighs. "We better get going or Jiyong is
going to go all psycho leader on us for breaking curfew."
He stands, and then holds out his hand. Daesung takes it, and Seunghyun tries
to pull him too his feet, but Daesung isn't helping and Seunghyun isn't that
strong. It's fun to watch him struggle.
They walk back across the park. It really is pretty late now, and Daesung is
tired. They worked hard today.
"This is just between us, right?" Seunghyun asks, before they turn the corner
of the block the dorm is on. " And if you think you've learned all there is to
learn from Choi Seunghyun and you want to stop, just say so, okay? I’m just
trying to help you out, after all."
The look on his face is weirdly earnest, and Daesung doesn't quite understand,
but Seunghyun is right. Of course it's just between them.
"Sure, hyung," Daesung says. "Just us."
Seunghyun smiles, and then grabs his hand again and takes off at half-run down
the block.
*****
That whole week is weird. They’ve started filming individual interview segments
for the show. The stylists put a lot of make up on Daesung’s face and spiked
his hair up and he sat in front of a screen and answered uncomfortable
questions about his father. He didn’t like it. None of them like it, and
they’re all out of sorts because of it. Jiyong is more demanding, calling them
out on minor mistakes that would have slipped under his radar before. Daesung's
throat isn't well. Wheesung says he practices too much. Daesung just loves to
sing, but he knows Wheesung is right. His voice is a precious gift and he's got
to treat it like that. He stops sneaking off to practice in the costume closet,
but it doesn't help much. He can sing, kind of, but he can barely speak.
He is learning a lot. Even though the problem with his voice means he can't
sing as much as he should he is still learning so much every day. Some things
are things he knew he'd learn, like how to dance. Other things though are a
complete surprise.
He learns that Seunghyun kisses like Daesung is something especially delicious
to eat.
It's overwhelming, the first time, and he puts his hands on Seunghyun's
shoulders and pushes him away.
Seunghyun scowls. "What's wrong?"
"How do I breathe?" Daesung feels light headed and weird.
"Through your nose," Seunghyun says. "It's big enough."
And Daesung would be angry at the stupid joke, but Seunghyun is already kissing
him again, running his tongue over Daesung's teeth and sucking Daesung's tongue
into his mouth and it sounds gross thinking about it but it feels really,
really good. They kiss for a long time that night, with Seunghyun's hands on
Daesung's waist and Daesung's hands just sitting stupidly in his lap, because
he doesn't know what to do with them and Seunghyun hasn't gotten to that part
of the lesson yet. It's really nice, Daesung thinks.
When he goes to brush his teeth that night he stares at the mirror. His lips
are red and look kind of swollen, and when he touches them they feel strangely
numb. But good. He likes it.
He wants to do it again.
*****
"I think your hair looks really cool," Little Seunghyun tells the clerk,
grinning.
Daesung rolls his eyes. He and Jiyong have already paid for their purchases and
now they have to wait while Little Seunghyun flirts with the convenience store
clerk. She is cute, and her hair is cool; there's a pink stripe in her bangs.
"Thanks," she says, self-conscious. To her they're just some random kids, but
even so Little Seunghyun's bravado can be intimidating. "My parents didn't like
it but ..." She shrugs.
"Wow," Little Seunghyun says. "That was brave of you. I bet in the future I’m
going to see you on television."
She giggles again.
Jiyong's heard enough. "You done, Romeo?"
Little Seunghyun groans. "Hyung, why do you have to be like that?"
But he hands the girl the money for his bottle of vitaminwater with only a wink
and no more ostentatious compliments.
"What's wrong with you?" Jiyong asks, once they're outside.
Little Seunghyun shrugs. "I'm just practicing for when we're famous and girls
are all up on my grill ..."
"Please do not ever say 'all up on my grill'," Jiyong says, scrunching his eyes
shut.
Little Seunghyun is undaunted.. "... for the day when we're famous and our
dedicated female fanbase is clamoring for my amorous attention."
Jiyong is dismayed. "I can't believe I thought you were innocent and earnest
when I first met you."
Little Seunghyun raises an eyebrow, as if to suggest that that mistake was
entirely Jiyong's.
Jiyong throws an arm over Daesung's shoulder as they wait for the light to
change so they can cross the street.
"At least you're innocent, Daesung," he says.
Daesung's cheeks turn red. It's a very good thing that it's night and they're
outside so nobody can see.
"Yeah," he says, but he is thinking about how the night before he and Big
Seunghyun had made out for hours after everyone else had gone to sleep. Laying
on Big Seunghyun's bed they'd kissed and kissed and kissed, wet and soft and
sloppy. Daesung had rolled on top of Seunghyun and he'd been hard and he'd felt
Seunghyun's erection too, and he'd wanted to grind their hips together and keep
kissing and touch every inch of Seunghyun's skin that he could, without even
knowing why.
But Seunghyun had just slapped his cheek -- softly -- and said that Daesung had
to wait. They hadn't reached that lesson yet.
He doesn’t think it’s wrong, or bad, but he can’t ever, ever tell Jiyong or
Little Seunghyun or anyone, for that matter. It has to be a secret, and that
does feel bad.
"Don't ever change, Daesung," Jiyong says. "Don't let this one corrupt you."
He's yanked back into the present moment. The light changes, and Jiyong and
Little Seunghyun start across the street. Daesung follows just a step or two
behind.
"Hey!" Little Seunghyun says. "Hyung, you are impugning my reputation." He’s on
a vocabulary unit with their tutor, and it shows.
Jiyong grins, wolfish. "Impugning? Who are you trying to impress,
Seunghyunnie?"
Daesung smiles, vacantly, but they aren't looking at him. It's a good thing,
because normally he likes to take part in the ritual of teasing the maknae, but
right now he's distracted by the thought of Big Seunghyun's curved lips and his
big hands and his hot breath on Daesung's skin.
"It isn't like you have to be a sleeze about it though. Right, Daesung?"
Jiyong's looking at him expectantly.
"Oh. Yeah. Huh?" Daesung doesn't know what he's agreeing with.
Jiyong sighs, dramatic. "You're no use."
"Sorry," Daesung says. "My mind was just in another place for a moment."
Jiyong waves a hand. "I was just telling our dear maknae that some people have
enough force of will to avoid temptation. You'd never let a pretty face sway
you, right?"
Daesung grins, too wide, and he thinks they'll know he's lying except -- no, of
course they won't. "Definitely not, hyung."
Jiyong looks satisfied and to Daesung's enormous relief lets the subject go.
*****
Daesung isn't surprised at how much Seunghyun seems to like kissing him.
Well, that's a lie. Of course he's surprised, because he hadn't really ever
thought that anyone would want to kiss him. But he's not surprised that someone
like Seunghyun, who is so handsome that even Jiyeon noona says so, would enjoy
the actual tactile act of kissing. It’s a little surprising that he wants to
kiss Daesung, but honestly he's touchy feely with all of them.
But what really surprises Daesung is how much Seunghyun likes to talk, after
they've had enough kissing.
(Daesung doesn't believe that there's really anything as enough kissing, but
since they only have the very early hours of the morning to be alone and
they're practicing twelve hours a day there comes a point where he's too tired
to hold his head up any more.)
The first few times Daesung starts to get up and go back to his own bed, but
Seunghyun is bigger if not stronger and he wraps his arms around Daesung's
waist and holds him tight.
"Stay here," he says quietly. "I'm not tired yet."
He's lying. He's so tired he can barely keep his eyes open.
"Okay, hyung," Daesung says, and he lays his head on the pillow right next to
Seunghyun. They are so close that he can see each hair of Seunghyun’s eyebrows,
the so-so faint shading of stubble on his upper lip, the acne scar on his
cheek.
“Why’d you audition for YG?” Seunghyun asks. His eyes are half closed and
unfocused. Daesung can feel the heat radiating off his body.
Daesung shrugs. “If I tried out for the other companies they would have laughed
at me.”
“Don’t …”
“I know,” he says. “I know. Don’t say that. It’s true though.”
Seunghyun rolls his eyes. “It’s really dumb. You’re not ugly.”
Daesung scrunches his eyes shut. It’s embarrassing, even if he doesn’t know
why. “Thanks,” he says.
Seunghyun blinks. “I’m not joking,” he says, and he sounds serious. “You’re not
ugly …”
“Okay, hyung,” Daesung says. He’s not annoyed, but he doesn’t want to talk
about it any more. “I get it.” He turns so his head is pressed into the pillow
and he can only see Seunghyun out of the corner of one eye.
Seunghyun frowns, but he lets the topic go. “I never dreamed of being in an
idol group,” he says. “Not until Jiyonggie called me.”
“You knew him from before,” Daesung says. He can’t breath with his face mashed
into the pillow so he rolls onto his side. His knees press against Seunghyun’s
thigh, but neither of them move away. “I mean, I knew you knew him but before
but you were friends …”
Seunghyun smiles. “We were friends, yeah,” he says. They are still friends,
more naturally friends than any other two people in the group. “We liked the
same music.”
“Ah,” Daesung says. “And he called and asked you to audition …”
“Not sure why he remembered me,” Seunghyun says, drowsily. “But yeah, he asked
me to audition. I figured I might as well. I didn’t want to go to college or
anything.”
“Why not?” Daesung asks. If he hadn’t passed his audition he knows he’d be
studying to go to school, and Seunghyun’s family -- with their wealth and his
father’s influence -- would surely have insisted on it.
“I wasn’t a good kid,” Seunghyun says. “They said I wasn’t a good kid, anyway.”
Daesung nods, barely. “What did you do?”
“Nothing that bad,” Seunghyun says. “We would … we would skip school and go to
this abandoned lot in my neighborhood and smoke cigarettes and listen to
cassettes.”
“That doesn’t sound that bad,” Daesung says, although he would never have dared
to do any of those things.
“I didn’t think so,” Seunghyun says. “I didn’t like school though. I hated it.”
Daesung isn’t sure he’s really hated anything in his entire life, but Seunghyun
sounds so sure. But he knows how cruel kids can be. He’s had his own fair share
of nicknames. “Were your classmates mean to …”
“No,” Seunghyun says. “Not really. I mean, I thought so at the time but I think
about it now and I can’t think of anything they did. I just didn’t want to be
there, so I didn’t go. And then I got kicked out.”
Daesung hadn’t known that. Getting kicked out is really bad. He remembers one
guy in his own school who’d joined late in the school year. Rumors followed him
like mosquitos in summer, and even though Daesung never even hears what he’d
supposedly been kicked out for, he’d avoided that boy. It seems kind of wrong,
now.
Seunghyun laughs a little. “I can see on your face what you’re thinking,
Daesunggie.”
“Sorry, hyung,” Daesung says.
"It’s okay,” Seunghyun says. He rolls over so he’s on his back. The bed creaks
and the sheets rustle. He puts on hand on his forehead and stares up at the
ceiling. “My mom didn't even cry," he says. "You know like in dramas the moms
are always sobbing and tearing their hair out and stuff? She didn't even cry.
She just hugged me and told me she loved me anyway."
“You didn’t really do anything wrong,” Daesung says, even though he doesn’t
know what Seunghyun did. He’s getting sleepy though, and it makes sense.
“I disappointed her,” Seunghyun says. “And my dad had already been disappointed
for years. When he had a son he thought he’d have someone to follow in his
footsteps, and instead he got me.”
“Hyung, don’t say things like that,” Daesung says, but his words turn into a
yawn. He covers his mouth with his forearm and blinks. “Sorry.”
“It’s late,” Seunghyun says. He sits up, and reaches across Daesung to turn off
the lamp on the nightstand.
“Do you want me to get up?” Daesung asks, quietly. Even though it’s dark now,
he can still make out the contours of Seunghyun’s face
“No,” Seunghyun says quickly. “Stay here until I fall asleep.”
Daesung nods, even though Seunghyun can’t see and he’ll probably fall asleep
first anyway.”
“When Jiyong called me,” Seunghyun says. “I figured I didn’t have anything
better to do. I like music. I don’t know why, but I like it. I thought maybe I
could help someone who was like me, if I made music. I let him talk me into
auditioning. I was pretty dumb to think I’d make it.”
Daesung knows the story behind Seunghyun’s first, failed audition. They all do
-- but it’s not the most comfortable thing to talk about, so they don’t.
“But you’re here now,” he says, because Seunghyun is here, and that’s what
matters.
“Yeah,” Seunghyun says. He rolls over onto his side, closer to Daesung. “I’m
here for now.”
Daesung wants to tell him he’s got no reason to worry, but he can’t manage to
open his mouth and the words he tries to say are just mumbled nonsense, and
before he can even finish his sentence he’s asleep.
*****
Daesung's not stupid. He knows Jiyong would rather it just be him and Youngbae
-- and maybe Big Seunghyun. He knows that Jiyong not-so-secretly scorns the
idea of debuting in an idol group. Even though Jiyong tries to hide it, Daesung
can feel Jiyong's bitterness sometimes, sharp and unpleasant and raw.
Still, when Jiyong comes up to him after vocal practice and throws his arm over
Daesung's shoulder and says, "You did well, Daesung," it's easy to pretend he
really means it.
Daesung bows his head and murmurs his thanks.
He can see Seunghyun watching, his eyes narrow. He wants to ask what's wrong
but they have three hours of dance practice before they can go back to the
dorm.
They have half an hour to choke down a quick lunch of rice and kimchi and
mandu, bought in the hole in the wall restaurant down the street. Daesung eats
because he knows he should. He is not hungry. Big Seunghyun is still on a diet
he is loath to follow. He has a small bowl of rice and a plate of salad and he
barely touches that.
Jaewook hyung praises Daesung that afternoon. "Yes," he says. "Good job,
Daesung." Turning to the other boys, he says, "Watch what Daesung is doing."
Big Seunghyun's eyes are dark. Sweat slicks his hair to his forehead, and his
jaw is set with a determined jut. He moves through the routine with a stiff,
mechanical precision -- he doesn't get chastised for missing any steps this
time, but Jaewook doesn't praise him. He never has, not even once.
*****
Some nights they're too tired to talk at all. Some nights they're even too
tired to kiss. On those nights, Daesung usually sleeps in Seunghyun's bed
anyway. It's a lot warmer with two of them. Daesung thinks it's going to be one
of those straight to bed nights. They had twelve hours with Jaewook hyung and
every part of his body aches. He's not used to dancing, yet, and he isn't sure
if he ever will be.
When he goes to the bedroom after showering, Seunghyun is already in bed, his
hood pulled up over his head and his arms wrapped around his body pillow.
"Hey," Seunghyun says. The sheets rustle. "You sleeping?"
"Not yet," Daesung says. He knows all the other guys are. The clock on the
dresser says it's quarter after one, and they have to be up at six again. He's
tired, but he likes lying in the cozy dark with Seunghyun.
"Good," Seunghyun says. He clears his throat and moves a little closer. "Do you
think Yang sanjangnim already knows who's going to get picked?"
Daesung hasn't really thought about it. He knows as they all do that it's
possible and even likely that one or two or three or ... who knows how many of
them are going to get dismissed before the group debuts, but the thought of
being one of those let go is so terrifying he just can't think about it.
"I don't know," Daesung says. "No. I don't think so. That wouldn't be fair.
Jiyong and Youngbae have been practicing for so much longer."
"I think he's decided," Seunghyun says darkly. "I think I'm going to get cut."
"He'd be stupid to do that, hyung," Daesung says.
"Why? You all hear what Jaewook says, right? I can't dance. I can't sing. He's
already got Jiyong to rap." Seunghyun is angry, but Daesung isn't sure he has
any right to be so.
"I don't think he's decided yet," Daesung says. "Why would he bother wasting so
much money to film the training if he already knows who he's going to pick?"
Seunghyun laughs and shakes his head. "Money, Daesung," he says. "Money.
They're going to show this thing on TV and people are going to know who we are
before we even debut. If we even debut. They're going to know us and they're
going to look for our music."
"I don't think so," Daesung says. "I don't think Yang sanjangnim would do that
to us."
"Think what you'd like," Seunghyun says. "I guess I was stupid enough to sign
up for this thing, but I'm telling you -- we're just pawns in his little
ratings game."
Daesung doesn’t really think that’s true. He’s only met Yang sanjangnim a few
times, true, but he knows the people at YG are good people. They are the people
that took a chance on him even though he only knew one song, even though he
looks the way he does.
“I don’t think that’s true,” he tells Seunghyun.
Seunghyun snorts, rolls over heavily, and is asleep – or pretending.
Daesung frowns and goes to lie in his own bed. It will be morning soon, and he
needs to sleep too. Practice cannot be delayed because he and Seunghyun stayed
up all night talking. He wishes, sometimes, that their lives weren’t
constrained by so many schedules. He wishes they had long empty days to spend
together, not just a few brief stolen hours of the night. He wishes a lot of
things, but wishes are for fishes, as his mother says. Or children maybe, who
still believe in impossible and magical things.
Daesung’s not a child. He knows wishes don’t come true.
*****
“Noona,” Seunghyun says, holding the khakis in front of him like a sheild, “the
pants are too small.”
Hyunseung’s are too small too. He stands silently at Seunghyun’s side, but he
doesn’t look quite so amused by the situation.
Daesung already has his pants on. They fit fine. They’ve come to a park by the
river to shoot some clips for the television show, and things are progressing
slowly. This new wardrobe complication is just the latest in a series.
The stylist does not look pleased. “We don’t have any others,” she says, “and
there’s no time to go get them.”
“Noona, you’re so cruel. You’re really going to make us wear these butt-eating
pants?”
She rolls her eyes. “Don’t try to sass me,” she says. “Maybei if you stuck to
your diet it wouldn’t be a problem.”
Seunghyun’s face crumples -- but for only one second. Then the grin snaps back
in place. Daesung sees it though.
“Ah, the things I do for fame,” he says, rolling his eyes dramatically. He
throws is arm over Hyunseung’s shoulder. “Come on, Hyunseunggie. Let’s go
commiserate.”
After the shoot is over, they go to a restaurant to eat, the whole crew. The
company is splurging on meat, and everyone is a good mood. The boys are all
together at a table.
“It was so cool!” Little Seunghyun says. He’s giddy, buoyed by the excitement
of the day. “My solo shots were really great -- didn’t you hear PD-nim say?”
“He just said that to humor you,” Jiyong says. “You can’t believe everything
you hear someone say about you, Seunghyunnie.”
“But why not hyung?” The maknae is confused. “People only say good things.”
Big Seunghyun is silent, as he’s mostly been since the shoot ended. He took a
lot of food, but his plate is mostly full.
“Eat,” Daesung says in a quiet tone. The hyungs and Hyunseung are chastising
Little Seunghyun. They’re not paying attention. “Aren’t you hungry?”
Seunghyun shrugs. “I’m eating,” he says.
Daesung frowns. “Hyung, you’re not …”
Seunghyun cuts him off. “Daesung, leave it alone, okay?” He sounds angry, and
tired, and Daesung knows he is hurting but he’d just been trying to help.
Seunghyun sighs, and he puts his hand over Daesung’s, just for a moment.
“Sorry,” he says. “Sorry. But she was right, you know.”
Daesung doesn’t agree, but he doesn’t want to make things worse, so he lets it
go. He watches, though. Seunghyun doesn’t eat very much at all that night.
*****
"I want to try something," Seunghyun says. His voice is dark. He is standing.
Daesung is aware of how much taller Seunghyun is.
"What?"
It's so late, and the dorm is really quiet.
"I want to suck you off," Seunghyun says.
Daesung frowns. He knows what that means but ... "Really?"
Seunghyun nods. "I've never done it," he says. "But I've had it done to me. It
feels really good."
Daesung swallows. He's sure it does. The image of Seunghyun's pink, bowed lips
wrapped around his dick is the most ridiculously hot thing he’s ever thought
of.
"Well?" Seunghyun looks impatient.
"You really want to?" Daesung doesn't get it. Seunghyun's supposed to be
teaching him stuff, but this is different -- this sounds like something
Seunghyun wants, not something he's doing for Daesung’s sake.
Seunghyun nods. "Why wouldn't I? I think you're hot, and I want to see what it
feels like to have your cock in my mouth. Is there something wrong with that?"
Daesung swallows. "Oh. Definitely not. It's fine. I mean, you can definitely
... y'know. If you want to."
"I said I want to." Seunghyun nearly growls. He puts a hand on Daesung's
shoulder and pushes him down so he's sitting on the edge of the bed. He kneels,
and he puts his hands under Daesung's shirt and pushes it up.
"You're so lucky," he says, voice muffled. His hands linger on Daesung's
stomach. "You've got muscles. It's hot." He runs his finger around Daesung's
belly button, and it kind of tickles, but not in a bad way. Daesung swallows.
He feels weird. He guesses that he’s lucky he's always been sort of scrawny -
- there's never been anything soft or curved about his body. It's just all
sticks and angles. But he's never felt proud of it. He's never once thought he
was attractive. Not until Seunghyun.
Seunghyun pushes his shirt up, and off. Daesung's starting to get hard, and he
wishes he'd changed into his sleep pants. He's got on his jeans. They feel too
tight now, especially when Seunghyun slides the tips of his fingers under
Daesung's waistband. He feels shaky -- shaky breath and shaky muscles. His
thighs tremble.
"Pretty soon there are going to be girls who would kill to be where I am right
now," Seunghyun says. He's running his hand up and down the length of Daesung's
fly, brushing over his hard dick. It feels really good.
Daesung swallows. "I think ... ah ... I think if the situation were the other
way around, maybe ..."
Seunghyun's eyes narrow. His eyelashes are so long that Daesung can see their
shadow fall on his cheek. "Why? Nobody wants to be with a fat kid, Daesung.
Don't you know?"
Daesung frowns. He can't even imagine how badly training went today for him to
talk like this, but Seunghyun is so wrong about that. It's so wrong that he
feels bad about himself.
"You're not ..."
But before he can finish Seunghyun slides the button his jeans through the hole
and pulls his zipper down. Daesung moans. The sudden release of pressure is
wonderful.
"Lift your hips," Seunghyun instructs.
Daesung does, and Seunghyun works his pants halfway down his thighs. Daesung's
wearing plain white briefs. His mother bought them. It's embarrassing. They're
not at all sexy, and there's a wet spot because he's already so hard he's
leaking.
Seunghyun doesn't look like he minds too much. He presses his mouth against
Daesung's crotch, mouthing at the shaft of his cock through the white fabric.
Daesung swallows. It feels really weird, this whole thing. It feels so weird to
be wanted, like this, even by Seunghyun. His head is lolling back, and his eyes
are closing. He had to force them open, because he wants to watch Seunghyun. He
wants to watch graceful the way his hair falls across his forehead, and his
cheekbones, and his beautiful eyes.
Seunghyun peels down the waistband of his briefs and bites at his hipbone,
suddenly. It hurts in a sharp little way, but it feels good. He sucks on the
spot he bit, runs his tongue over it, and Daesung tries to think of totally
unsexy things like old men in the bathhouse and cleaning the practice room at
the end of the day and the unending burden of math homework, because if he
doesn't distract himself he's going to come and Seunghyun hasn't even started
to actually suck him off.
"Hyung," Daesung says, a twisted-tight whine. He's never sounded more
desperate.
Seunghyun looks up at him, smirking. "You like it, huh?"
Daesung nods. He’s making some desperate noises in the back of his throat.
Seunghyun smiles, and he pulls waistband of Daesung's briefs all the way down,
and he's close, breath damp, and then Daesung's dick is in his mouth. It's so
warm and so hot and so slick. It's better than anything Daesung's ever felt,
and it's better than that even because it's Seunghyun, who's beautiful and
perfect and who Daesung likes more than he has ever liked anyone else in his
entire life.
He does. He doesn't even know what that means, exactly -- Daesung hasn't even
liked anyone before. He loves his family, but this is totally different. He
doesn't know what he means but he knows that his heart beats differently when
he's around Seunghyun and his skin feels different and everything feels better.
He feels special.
Seunghyun's mouth is stretched, and his eyes are closed. There’s a string of
wet spit on his chin. Daesung can see where his dick presses against
Seunghyun's cheek. It bulge, obscene, as Seunghyun takes him in further.
Daesung's hands are gripping the blankets at his side, and even though it's
Seunghyun on his knees, it also feels like he's totally in control. He's the
one who presses his fingers into Daesung's hips, digging in too hard, telling
him to wait, hold off. He the one who nearly pulls off, so his lips are just
wrapped around the head of Daesung's dick. He's the one who does pull off and
then whispers, "Come for me."
And Daesung does, suddenly, hips jerking. He’s desperate to come. His come hits
Seunghyun's face -- splatters white against his mouth, his cheek. Seunghyun
looks up. His eyes have never looked darker. Daesung reaches out. He wants to
touch Seunghyun. He wants to hold him. He wishes he could make Seunghyun feel
half as good as he heels
"How was it?" Seunghyun asks, but he looks at the floor, not meeting Daesung’s
eyes.
"Really great."
Seunghyun smiles then. "Good," he says. "I made you feel great." He is pleased
with himself, and Daesung is suddenly shy.
"I'm going to go shower," he says. Seunghyun has come on his face. He belatedly
realizes his mistake. "Uh, or ybe you should go first."
Seunghyun's smile is still hard, but then it changes, softens into something
warmer. He wipes his mouth on the hem of his shirt. "Thanks," he says. He takes
Daesung's hand in his and he squeezes it. Then he gets up in one smooth motion
that would make Jaewook hyung proud and steps out into the hall.
Daesung stays on the edge of the bed with his pants down, his dick hanging out,
until he hears the shower start. Then he gets up and tucks himself in and pulls
up his pants and tries to understand why it feels like his heart is still
trembling when he's not even breathing hard. It must be something to do with
that feeling, the one he barely even can say the name of.
Love.
*****
They have a free day because Yang sanjangnim has called all the teachers to his
office to discuss their fate. It's supposed to be a secret, but Jiyong finds
out because he's practically one of the adults. Even with the shadow cast by
that knowledge, they're all really excited about getting to sleep in. They've
been practicing for the dance contest that Yangs anjangnim is making them have
on top of their normal lessons, and it's been almost too much. On the walk back
to the dorm the night before Big Seunghyun had talked and talked about how long
he was going to sleep, once this was all over.
"A week," he had said. "At least a week. I'm going to buy a goose-down pillow
and one of those fancy mattresses that adjust to your body and I'm not getting
out of bed for a week."
"What about when you have to piss, hyung?" Little Seunghyun asks.
Big Seunghyun shakes his head. "Not even for that."
He throws his arm over Little Seunghyun's shoulder, and Little Seunghyun tries
to shove him away. "You're gross, hyung."
Big Seunghyun's joke works, though. Hyunseung is laughing, and even Youngbae
has cracked a smile. Daesung's laughing too, of course, but his heart is
pinched by this weird feeling. It's not that uncommon. He feels it whenever he
sees Seunghyun roughhousing with the other guys, whenever he sees Seunghyun hug
them or hold their hand. It's a pretty stupid thing to feel, he knows. He needs
to cut it out. It’s not like he’s got any claim to Big Seunghyun, just because
of what they’ve been doing. It doesn’t mean anything special.
Jiyong is the only one not laughing. Everyone knows how fond he is of Big
Seunghyun, but lately even that fondness has limits.
"Don't you want to get picked?" His beanie is pulled down in front of his face,
hiding his eyes, but he looks grim.
Big Seunghyun grimaces. "I want to," he says. "Doesn't sound like I'm going to,
though."
Jiyong's mouth tightens. "It's all up to Yang sanjangnim, anyway," he says.
"It's his decision." He tugs his hat down further. "It's just going to get
harder after we debut, so if you can't make it now maybe you should just
leave."
Big Seunghyun's eyes go wide, and for a moment Daesung thinks he's going to say
something else, something sharp and funny and mean he'll ultimately end up
regretting. Jiyong’s words hurt. But Seunghyun doesn't. He pulls up his hood
and takes out his iPod and they walk the rest of the way back to dorm without
anyone saying another word.
After all that Daesung expects Seunghyun to sleep until mid-afternoon. He is
startled when he's woken by the sound of the squeaky dresser drawer sliding
open. It's still dark out and the apartment is quiet. It's very, very early.
"What are you doing awake, hyung?" he asks.
Seunghyun startles. "Go back to sleep, Daesunggie."
Daesung sits up. "Where are you going?"
"Nowhere," Seunghyun says. "Go back to sleep."
Daesung's eyes have grown used to the dark. He can see Seunghyun's got on
sweatpants and an old hoodie, and his sneakers are in his hand. "Hyung, you're
not going to the studio, are you?"
Seunghyun frowns. "Jiyong is right. If I don't want to be here and work hard, I
should just go home."
"You do work hard," Daesung says. And he does -- he works harder than he lets
people realize.
"I'm still a pretty terrible dancer," Seunghyun says. "I guess I need to
practice more. Try harder."
"It's our day off," Daesung says, and he can't help that it comes out a little
bit like a whine. He is thinking that Seunghyun should go back to bed, or they
should go back to bed together. He'll even let Seunghyun cling to him like he
clings to his stupid body pillow. "You were going to sleep in, remember?"
Seunghyun shrugs. "I can sleep when I'm dead," he says. "Or after I get
dismissed." He turns away to get something from his dresser.
"Fine," Daesung says. "Then I'll come too. I need the practice."
"You really don't," Seunghyun says.
"It won't hurt me," Daesung says. "Let me come, hyung."
Seunghyun stands in the doorway for a moment, like he's going to bodily
obstruct Daesung if need be, but then he sighs and says, "Fine. Let's go." They
leave the house with Daesung still struggling into his sneakers and wiping goo
from his eyes. Everyone else still sleeps.
*****
The practice space is dark and empty when they get there. None of the usual
crew of dancers are hanging around. They turn on the lights, drop their stuff,
and Seunghyun starts the music. They practice for hours, silent and focused,
cycling through the same series of moves over and over and over. It's hard
work. They're both sweating. The mirrors start to fog up. Daesung hasn't quite
shaken the haze of sleep from his mind. This all feels like it could be a
dream, except his stomach is starting to rumble pitifully. It's nearly eleven
o'clock and he's had nothing to eat.
The next time the track comes to an end he sits down, legs spread, propped up
on his arms. "Ah, hyung," he says. "Let's stop."
Seunghyun keeps going for another few minutes, moving through the routine
without the benefit of the music. He's not a bad dancer, really. He had a hard
time memorizing the moves, but once he's got them, he's not terrible.
"It looks good," Daesung says.
Seunghyun turns and looks at him. "Really?"
"It does," Daesung says. "Jaewook hyung is going to be impressed."
Seunghyun shakes his head. His hair is damp. "I always mess up in front of
him," he mumbles.
Daesung doesn't say anything, because that's true.
"I'd be a lot better if I could dance with nobody looking at me," Seunghyun
says. He grins. "Maybe we can wear masks. That can be our concept: the masked
idols."
He makes circles of his thumbs and forefingers and holds them up his eyes.
Daesung laughs. "Hyung, they wouldn't let you wear a mask. Me though ..."
Seunghyun looks stern. "Hey, don't say that Daesung. You look fine."
Daesung shrugs. He knows what he looks like. He's known from the start. He
knows he's not ugly enough to crack mirrors, but he also knows he doesn't have
the face of an idol.
"Seriously," Seunghyun says. "You're fine." He sounds more annoyed.
"Sure," Daesung says. "I've already been upgraded from the 'not-so-good-
looking' one to 'average' right?" He knows that Bohyung noona and the others
never mean anything by those nicknames, but it's hard to ignore them all the
time.
"They shouldn't call you that," Seunghyun says. "It's so stupid. What you look
like doesn't make a difference in how you sing."
Daesung shrugs again. They're not just trying to be singers, he wants to say.
Yang sanjangnim wants to debut an idol group, and idols are supposed to be
everything: talented and funny and handsome and skilled at dancing and singing
and variety shows. Perfect.
When he thinks about it that way, it seems pretty likely that none of them are
going to end up making the team. Maybe after all of this, it'll just be Jiyong
and Youngbae, the way they always wanted it.
That thought makes him laugh.
"What?" Seunghyun says. "What's so funny?"
He drops to the floor next to Daesung and starts tickling him, fingers digging
into Daesung's ribs. Daesung squirms and laughs harder, kicking his feet. It
feels good, even though he's sore and hungry. He likes when Seunghyun is
playful like this.
"Ah, really," Seunghyun says, just when Daesung has managed to stop laughing.
"Is it me? Is it my face? Do I look funny or something?" He stretches his mouth
and sticks out his tongue and opens his eyes too wide and he looks so weird
that Daesung starts laughing again.
It takes another five minutes for him to calm down again.
"Ah," Daesung says. "I laughed so hard my stomach hurts."
"I think that's just hunger," Seunghyun says.
"I was thinking," Daesung says, "what if after everything Yang sanjangnim
doesn't pick any of us? What if he just picks Jiyong-hyung and Youngbae-hyung?"
Seunghyun's big eyes go even wider. "You think?"
Daesung shakes his head. "We're not exactly idol material, hyung."
"Ah man," Seunghyun says, holding his head. "You're right. Wow. I bet you're
right. That's so low though. The maknae is going to be so disappointed. He
thinks he’s going to be the next super star."
Another giggle slips through. Daesung can't help it. It's horrible to think
about, but it really is pretty funny. They're so not idol material.
"Ah man," Seunghyun says again. "That's so bad. You really think ..."
Daesung shrugs. "I don't know," he says. "I was just thinking, and it kind of
makes sense."
Seunghyun rolls his eyes. "You need to do less of that," he says, and Daesung
doesn't know why but that sets him off laughing again, laughing and laughing
until his stomach aches and there are tears streaming from his eyes.
*****
They don't go back to the dorm right away. They wash in the sinks in the
restroom and change into spare clothing.
"I'll buy lunch. Y'know, as a thank you," Seunghyun says as they climb the
steps to the lobby. They step outside into the sunlight and blink. After so
long in the basement studio, it seems wrong that it's barely noon, and a bright
perfect spring noon at that. "You could still be sleeping."
Daesung shrugs. "I needed the practice too," he says. He looks down at his
feet. "And I wanted to be with you."
He bites his lips. Now that he's said it, the words seem daring. Too daring. He
probably shouldn't have said anything. He looks up.
Seunghyun is smiling, wide and happy, and Daesung feels like his heart is a
piece of sugar candy dissolving in a cup of tea.
"Can't get enough of me, huh?" Seunghyun shakes his head, but he's still
smiling. He starts down the sidewalk. "Come on, let's go before I pass out from
hunger on the sidewalk and you have to carry me."
"I could do it," Daesung says. "I'm really strong, hyung. You heard Hwangssabu,
right?"
Seunghyun rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I heard him. Let's not test it. Come on."
They don't really have much money so they go to some cheap place with dirty
floors that would make Daesung's mother feel faint and they eat tteokbokki and
pancakes. It's spicy and hot and greasy and it's definitely not a wholesome
breakfast, but it's really good. They eat too much, and Seunghyun still wants
to go get ice cream afterwards.
"I'm too full, hyung," Daesung says. "I'll throw up if I eat anymore."
Seunghyun grimaces. "Gross," he says. He puts his sunglasses back on as they
step outside. "I guess we should go back then ..."
Daesung frowns. He knows they should go back. There's laundry to be done, and
he's got three pages of math homework he was supposed to have finished the week
before. The other guys are all up by know, and probably wondering where they've
gone. He's shocked Jiyong hasn't already texted them. He sees it as his right
and duty as leader to keep tabs on their whereabouts.
But, he doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to go back to the dorm where he's
just Seunghyun's dongsaeng (at least until late at night when everyone else is
asleep). They have so little time to themselves. He just wants to savor this -
- whatever it is -- for as long as he can.
He knows it won't last.
"Let's go to a movie," he says. "I'll pay."
Seunghyun frowns. "Really?"
Daesung nods, blushing. They all tell him he's too tight with his money, but he
can't help it. That might be the one thing he did inherent from his father
(well, other than this nose). But his sister slipped him some won last time he
was home and made him promise he would enjoy himself with it. He can't think of
anything he'd enjoy more than spending the rest of the afternoon with
Seunghyun.
"Yeah," Daesung says. "We can even get some candy and stuff."
Seunghyun grins. "Let's do it."
They go to a convenience store and buy too many snacks. Seunghyun insists that
they buy this gross chewy candy he likes, and Daesung wants dried squid. They
both agree on the salted caramel popcorn, even though it's going to get stuck
in their teeth.
The woman at the counter is older than they are. There’s a little television
set on counter. She mostly pays attention to that grainy image as she shoves
their snacks in a bag. Daesung fumbles in his wallet for the ten-thousand won
note and hands it to her. She chews her gum and counts their change and only as
she's dropping the coins in Daesung's open palm does she smile. She's not
looking at him though; she's looking at Seunghyun.
"Here you go," she says, shoving the bag at him and fluttering her eyelashes
awkwardly.
Seunghyun’s eyes are hidden behind his sunglasses but he's grinning. "Thank you
so much," he says.
Daesung can feel her watching them until they're back on the sidewalk.
"That woman was so weird," he mumbles.
Seunghyun laughs a little. "She wasn't weird," he says.
"She was making faces at you," Daesung says quietly. "It's rude, hyung."
Seunghyun shakes his head. "Daesung-ah! What are we going to do with you?"
Daesung frowns. "What do you mean? Do what with me?"
Seunghyun throws his arms around Daesung's shoulder. "Pretty soon girls are
going to be screaming your name, you know?"
Daesung nods. He knows, in theory at least. Even Bohyung noona says that he's
got the most female fans out of the girls that wait outside the YG building.
(She's never quite able to keep the surprise out of her voice, but he doesn't
think about that part). "I know, hyung. What does that have to do with that
girl staring at you?"
Seunghyun just shakes his head again. "Don't worry about it. Now, what movie
are we going to see?"
There's really not much playing. It's too early for the brainless blockbusters
that come out when schools are on summer break. Seunghyun wants to see some
comedy that looks really pointless. Daesung gives in though, because it doesn't
matter much what they watch, to him. He pays for the tickets and hands them
both over and he wonders if it would feel like this if he took a girl to the
movies. Like on a date. He's never done that, and he wonders now if he ever
will. If they do debut and become famous, it's not like he'll just be able to
walk into a movie theater with a girl.
The prospect doesn't worry him much. It doesn’t worry him as much as it should.
The theater is nearly empty. They sit near the back. Seunghyun digs into the
bag of snacks as soon as they're settled. He makes funny faces as he chews his
candy, like it's the best thing he's ever tasted.
"Oh," he says. "Oh delicious chewy peach goodness, come to me."
He pops two in his mouth at once.
"Hyung, are they really that good?" Daesung's glad the theater is so empty.
He'd be embarrassed, if there were anyone around.
"Here," Seunghyun says. He unwraps another candy and holds it up to Daesung's
mouth. His thumb lingers on Daesung's lower lip.
The candy is too sweet, but Daesung can't pay attention to the taste.
A few more people come in -- beautiful weekday afternoons in spring aren't the
busiest time for the movie theater. The lights dim. Seunghyun finishes his bag
of candy before the previews are over.
The movie's not bad. Daesung laughs a few times, anyway. Twenty minutes in he
feels Seunghyun's arm press against his and Seunghyun's fingers intertwine with
his and they sit there in the dark, nearly-empty theater holding hands.
Seunghyun is still watching the movie. His eyes are wide. He looks like a
child. Daesung can’t pay attention. He can't think of anything at all except
how good Seunghyun's hand feels in his, and how very much he likes it.
It ends too soon. They don’t talk much on the way back to the dorm but it’s a
good kind of not talking. Daesung feels like a cup that’s been filled up to the
brim with happiness. He doesn’t need any more. He’s got just enough. He thinks
Seunghyun might feel kind of the same way, if his smile is any indication.
Jiyong and Youngbae are at the table when they come inside.
Jiyong stares at them, face blank. “Where were you all morning?”
“You were right, Jiyong. I need to try harder,” Seunghyun says. “I went to the
studio to practice, and Daesung volunteered to come help me.”
“Oh,” Jiyong says in a puzzled tone. “I didn’t really mean … I mean, I was just
in a bad mood yesterday. You two both needed the extra sleep.”
Seunghyun shrugs. “I’m trying to wean myself off.”
Daesung laughs and Jiyong smiles fondly and Youngbae rolls his eyes but he’s
smiling too. Hyunseung comes in with groceries and they all start to make lunch
together. Daesung feels like he perfectly belongs here, with these guys, in
this very moment.
*****
“Ugh,” Seunghyun says. “I’m going to die.” He falls face first into his bed.
They’ve spent the day in the gym. Seunghyun’s been trying harder, and his labor
has born fruit. Daesung is sore too, but he’s not complaining about it.
Seunghyun’s face is screwed up tight. He really does look like he’s in pain.
“I could give you a massage,” Daesung offers. He never has before -- his family
is not very physically affectionate -- but how hard could it be?
Seunghyun goes limp. “Fine,” he says. “But I don’t know if you can do anything
to save me, Daesung.”
Daesung rolls his eyes. “Hyung, don’t be so dramatic.”
He climbs on Seunghyun’s narrow bed. The only reasonable way he can reach
Seunghyun’s shoulders is to straddle his hips.
It’s a little awkward, but it’s exciting too.
He leans forward and puts his hands on Seunghyun’s shoulders. He presses down
with the heels of his hands.
“Does that feel good?”
Seunghyun shifts a little beneath him. “It doesn’t feel like anything yet.”
“It would be easier if you took off your hoodie,” Daesung says.
He expects Seunghyun to say no. Instead he just grunts and starts to pull the
hoodie off.
“Well,” he says. “Help me.”
Daesung helps push the hoodie over his shoulders, over his head. His hair is
mussed and his tee shirt is ruched up. His lower back is pale and smooth,
divided by the channel of his spine.
It’s nearly the most of Seunghyun’s skin he’s ever seen, and definitely the
most since he started paying attention.
Daesung digs his thumbs into the muscle of Seunghyun’s upper back. He’s so
tense, but then he always is. He’s always holding some part of himself in
check. Daesung hates that. He wants all of it -- everything Seunghyun has.
He presses his thumbs in harder. Seunghyun groan, deep in his throat.
“Does that feel good?” Daesung asks.
“Hmmm,” Seunghyun says.
Daesung thinks that must be mean yes, so he’ll keep going. He’s close enough to
smell Seunghyun -- sweat and cologne and cigarette smoke. And when Daesung
leans forward to run his fingers up and down the long column of Seunghyun’s
neck, his dick presses into Seunghyun’s ass. The position makes it inevitable.
He didn’t plan it out this way but he’s only human. He’s already hard.
Seunghyun has to be able to feel it, but he doesn’t say anything.
Daesung wants more bare skin. He wants to grind his hips down into Seunghyun’s
round ass and not worry that such an action would be unwelcome. He wants to
know that Seunghyun wants him.
“Take your shirt off,” he says, daring.
Seunghyun hesitates a long time. Daesung’s hands are resting limp on his back
and he can feel Seunghyun’s sides rise and fall in time with his breath. He
wants this so much it almost hurts. If Seunghyun says no, it’s fine. Of course
it’s fine, but Daesung wants so badly to see and feel and know every inch of
him.
In the end Seunghyun doen’t say anything, but he pulls his shirt up and off and
his whole long back is bare. His shoulders are wider than Daesung thought
they’d be, and his waist is a bit narrower. His shoulder blades jut out, two
sharp lines. He’s beautiful, Daesung thinks, even though he already thought
that before.
Seunghyun looks over his shoulder. “I know I’m not exactly much to look at, but
I didn’t think you’d be scared silent.” His voice is small and his tone is
light, and Daesung is so sick of him trying to turn this into a joke. He’s so
sick of him saying things like this at all, when they’re not even nearly true.
“Shut up,” he says, and he leans forward all the weight, so he’s pressing
Seunghyun into the bed, and he kisses him. The angle is too awkward, but
Seunghyun’s eyes close, and his teeth digging into Daesung’s fleshy lower lip.
Daesung pulls away, and it hurts a little bit, a good sharp pain. “You know I
think you’re beautiful.”
Seunghyun’s eyes are dark, and he is stronger than he seems, despite his sore
back. He rolls over, pushing Daesung off. His hands fumble at the hem of
Daesung’s shirt.
“Don’t lie,” he says, but it’s an afterthought.
Daesung’s arm gets stuck in his sleeve. They’re anything but smooth. He sits up
and pulls it off and throws it on the floor. Seunghyun is shy, arms crossed
over his chest and the faintest flush on his cheeks, his brow.
“You’re beautiful,” Daesung says again.
“You’re an idiot,” Seunghyun says, sounding annoyed but looking pleased, and he
grabs Daesung’s shoulder and pulls him close and they are kissing again.
It feels different this time. This isn’t a lesson. This isn’t diffident
kissing, with Daesung mindful of his teeth and his nose and his hands folded
demurely in his lap. This is careless and fierce and wonderful. Daesung’s hands
are in Seunghyun’s hair, and Seunghyun’s are on Daesung’s waist. Bare chest to
bare chest, Daesung feels closer to Seunghyun than he’s ever felt to any other
person. He feels so hot, like they might just melt right into each other.
Seunghyun’s hands slide lower, under the waistband of Daesung’s sweats to palm
his ass. It’s startling. Daesung goes still for just a second. Nobody’s ever
touched him there. It doesn’t feel bad, though. He pushes himself up with one
hands and with the other he undoes the button of Seunghyun’s jeans.
It’s so much, and so fast. A few weeks ago he hadn’t even been able to touch
himself but now he undoes Seunghyun’s zipper and pushes his pants down low
enough around his hips that Daesung can work his hand in and fist his hard,
curving dick. Seugnhyun’s eyes narrow, and his mouth falls open a little, and
he jerks into Daesung’s hand. Daesung dick is pressed against Seunghyun’s
thigh, and his hips press forward. He wants more than this. He wants
everything.
Seunghyun is pushing Daesung’s sweats down, running his finger down Daesung’s
back into the cleft of his ass. Daesung mouths at the sharp corner of
Seunghyun’s jaw, and Seunghyun’s dick is still sliding through his fisted hand.
Daesung is so close to coming, and Seunghyun hasn’t even touched him yet. When
he finally does, Daesung exhales, and his eyes fall shut. Every cell in his
body is soaked in pleasure. Seunghyun knocks Daesung’s hand away from his own
dick and shifts them so they’re on their sides facing each other. Daesung’s
dick slides against Seunghyun’s. Seunghyun licks his palm and then he wraps his
hand around both of them. The rhythm is spluttering at first but Daesung opens
his eyes and Seunghyun is looking at him and smiling and he smiles back, so
wide. He doesn’t care how stupid he looks. It doesn’t matter, because he is
with Seunghyun, closer to him than he’s ever been, and in that moment it is all
he wants.
He comes with a startled yell, all over Seunghyun’s hand and his stomach.
Seunghyun keeps jerking himself, smearing Daesung’s come over the head of his
dick with his thumb, and then he comes too.
Daesung’s chest is heaving, and he doesn’t even know if he has the energy to
lift his head from where it rests on Seunghyun’s chest.
“We’re really gross,” Seunghyun says. He’s glancing nervously towards his
shirt, down at the foot of the bed.
“Hm,” Daesung says. “I like it.” It’s the dirtiest thing he’s ever said, maybe.
Seunghyun makes an unhappy sound, and tries to sit up, but Daesung wraps his
arms around Seunghyun’s waist and he holds on.
“I’m cold,” Seunghyun says. “Let me get my shirt.”
“Stop it. Not yet,” Daesung says. He can’t believe that after that Seunghyun
could feel like he has anything to hide. There is nothing about him that
Daesung doesn’t want. He wants to stay just like this -- bare chested and
close, limbs tangles, mess with each other’s sweat and come -- forever.
He can’t. He knows he can’t have what he wants except in brief illicit hours
late, late at night. He’s known that all along, and still it hurts.
Seunghyun sighs and rests his cupped hand on the base of Daesung’s neck. It is
so late, and everything is still, and too soon it will be morning and this
moment will be gone as surely as if it had been a dream. Daesung closes his
eyes and holds on tight.
 
*****
"Look at her!" Little Seunghyun's face is pressed against the glass.
"Stop it," Jiyong says, smacking him on the arm. "What's wrong with you? She's
a professional and she's working. She's not just here for you to ogle."
Little Seunghyun sighs. "She's so gorgeous though, hyung."
Jiyong just shakes his head. He and Youngbae are seasoned veterans compared to
the rest of them, and the pretty girls don't turn their heads (quite as much).
They have been asked to be in Dongwook hyung's music video. Well. Youngbae and
Jiyong and Big Seunghyun have been asked. The dongsaengs have come along for
moral support, and maybe -- Daesung supposes -- a taste of what things will be
like if they're ever lucky enough to get to make their own music video.
It's pretty cool, but it would be a lot cooler if they hadn't stayed up all
night practicing for the dance battle. Daesung's glad he's on Jiyong's team,
because he trusts Jiyong and knows he'll do a really great job, but he also
wouldn't be upset if they maybe took it just a little bit easier. He's so tired
that he fell asleep the night before while folding laundry. The towels had been
warm from the dryer and it had been nearly two thirty in the morning and he'd
laid his head down for one second and stayed like that until Seunghyun wandered
out an hour later to track him down. He’d ended up carrying him into their room
and laying him down on his bed.
He needed the sleep, but he's got a horrible cramp in his neck this morning.
"It's really cool, right?" Hyunseung asks. "I mean, the video concept and
stuff."
He and Daesung are sitting on a concrete bench at the very periphery of the
shoot. The hyungs are in this scene, somewhere in the background, and Little
Seunghyun creeps closer, like a moth drawn to a flame.
"Yeah," Daesung says, although really he doesn't have much of an opinion. They
all know he was kind of sheltered as a kid, but still it's really embarrassing
to remind them that he didn't listen to popular music or watch videos or go
online at all before he passed the YG audition. It's embarrassing even for him,
even though he knows if he had know what being a singer really meant he
probably never even would have had the courage to audition. It sometimes seems
like singing is the least of what they've got to do.
Daesung and Hyunseung are both quiet people.They sit there without saying much
of anything else. Daesung can see Big Seunghyun and the others standing off to
the side. They look young and kind of goofy, and it's hard to imagine them
fitting into the sleek, slick word of the video. The models are all really tall
and beautiful. Daesung doesn't feel bad thinking that because if you're a model
that's probably part of your job.
If they ever do end up filming their own videos -- if Daesung even makes it
into the group -- he hopes the models aren't quite as perfect looking. He
doesn't want to think about what he'd look like standing next to a woman so
pretty she looks like she's stepped out of a magazine.
Little Seunghyun wanders back over. He's really nervous about the dance battle.
He actually gets really nervous about a lot of things, which is surprising
because he's also the most confident person Daesung's ever met. He doesn't
understand how those two things coexist in that one short, wiry body.
"I can't wait until we get to do this," he says, skipping over the looming
meeting with Yang sanjangnim directly to fame. "We should do our first video on
a boat. No, a yacht. That would be dope, right?"
"Don't use slang," Daesung says, absently. He's never been on a boat and he's
not sure if he'd like it.
"What's the difference between a boat and a yacht?" Hyunseung asks, frowning.
He doesn't get along with Seunghyun very well. He’s always trying to take him
down a peg when he can.
Little Seunghyun just shakes his head, exasperated. He probably not only knows
the difference, but already has exactly the model of his future yacht picked
out. Suddenly he stands up and whistles, low.
"Look at Seunghyun hyung and that girl," he says, standing on his tip toes to
see over he crowd and the equipment. "She's totally into him."
Seunghyun is leaning against a pillar talking to a tall, very beautiful woman
in a black dress. He smiles, and waves his hands in an exaggerated gesture -
- but then, he always does that when he talks. Daesung doesn’t think it means
anything particular. The woman puts her hand to her mouth to cover her
laughter. Daesung wonders what kind of stupid joke Seunghyun made. Most of his
jokes are stupid, after all, but that doesn’t stop Daesung from laughing
either. She doesn’t really look like she thinks he’s stupid.
"I think she's just humoring him," Daesung says, grimly.
Little Seunghyun sighs. "I wish she'd humor me," he says, wistful.
Hyunseung snorts.
"What? Is it that ridiculous?" Little Seunghyun demands. He's frowning and his
eyebrows are drawn. "I'm really popular with women." He sticks his chest out
when he says this, and he looks young and ridiculous.
"In your dreams," Hyunseung says. "You're just jealous of Seunghyun hyung."
Little Seunghyun sighs. "Well, why shouldn't I be? Look at the way she's
looking at him. He's lucky to be so handsome."
Daesung's stomach is starting to feel funny. He didn't eat very much for lunch.
He wonders if Bohyung noona would let him get a bottle of soda from the craft
table.
"He’s not that good looking," Daesung hears himself saying. "I mean, he's kind
of goofy."
It's funny, because he doesn't believe that at all, and he's not even sure why
he said it.
Little Seunghyun snorts. "Is that really the direction you want to take this
conversation, hyung? Who's the goofiest looking?"
Daesung swallows. He knows his cheeks are getting red, and normally he'd try to
think of something funny to say, something to make them laugh so they forget
that really they're pointing out an all-too-obvious fact. But he's so tired he
can't think of anything. He just shakes his head and sits back down, defeated
and scared and not really sure why.
The shoot ends and the hyungs come back over, giddy after their moment in the
spotlight.
Even Jiyong is awed. "Ah man," he says. "Those women were so tall. Seunghyun
hyung, how are you even supposed to kiss a girl like that?"
Seunghyun laughs. He does look goofy sometimes, but not in a bad way. "You've
got to do this," he says, jumping up and planting a kiss on invisible lips.
It's not like that at all, Daesung wants to say. He thinks about the times
they're alone together, how good it feels, and how Seunghyun has never made him
feel stupid or bad or like it's a joke. He doesn't know why this is a joke now.
Jiyong shakes his head. "Maybe that works for you. I need a running start."
He demonstrates, and everyone laughs, even Daesung. It's not that funny though.
“Ah, I’ve got no hope,” Jiyong says, sadly. “Hyung, though …”
“What?” Seunghyun says.
Jiyong rolls his eyes. “I saw you talking to her.”
Seunghyun goes slightly red. “I was just being polite,” he says.
“Sure,” Jiyong says. He does not sound convinced.
There’s a heavy unpleasant feeling in the pit of Daesung’s stomach, and he
can’t quite explain it. He sits on the ground and stares at his folded hands.
Jiyong is saying something else to Big Seunghyun, but Daesung doesn’t want to
hear it. He feels bad. He feels like maybe he’s been really stupid.
Of course Seunghyun would talk to that beautiful woman, and of course she would
talk back. It is only polite, and besides, they make sense together in a way
that Daesung and Seunghyun never possibly will.
Bohyung noona comes walking through the crowd. “Yah, what are you guys doing
there?”
“Nothing, noona,” Youngbae says, automatically.
Bohyung is not convinced. “Don’t get in the way,” she says, eyeballing them.
“We won’t,” Jiyong promises. “We’re going to the garage now to practice for
tomorrow.”
She looks suspiciously at each of them in turn. “Daesung-ah, are your hyungs
being bad?”
Daesung looks up. “No, noona,” he says.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he says.
She does not look convinced, but then, he doesn’t believe it himself. He feels
like something invisible and precious he held inside himself is draining away.
He swallows.
“Come on,” Jiyong calls.
They’ve had enough fun. And now, as always, it’s time to practice.
*****
“Congratulations,” Daesung says, dull.
The dance contest is over. His team lost; Seunghyun’s team has won. They’re
back at the dorm. There’s no time for celebration when tomorrow they have
twelve hours of practice scheduled.
Seunghyun smiles. “Thanks,” he says, “but there was a reason they put me on a
team with Youngbae and the maknae, you know?” He is toweling his wet hair dry;
the shaggy fringe hangs in his face.
Daesung shrugs. He doesn’t mind the loss so much -- he didn’t care about
winning. But he thinks maybe he could have read victory as a omen of good
fortune. Defeat just feels blank.
“Hey,” Seunghyun says. The towel is still draped over his head. “It doesn’t
mean he’s not going to pick you just because your team lost. Do you think he’s
going to ditch Jiyong all of a sudden because he didn’t win some stupid dance
contest?”
Seunghyun has hit too close to the mark for Daesung’s comfort. “No,” he says.
“No, but that’s different. Jiyong is different. He has a contract.”
“Yeah, and soon you will too,” Seunghyu says.
Daesung nods, but he doesn’t believe Seunghyun. He doesn’t believe him -- he’s
not even sure if he wants to believe him. His body aches and his heart is
heavy.
Seunghyun throws his towel on the floor. There are dark circles under his eyes
and the skin over his cheekbones looks tight and stretched. None of them have
been sleeping much lately. It doesn’t seem like they’ll be sleeping much for
the foreseeable future.
Seunghyun moves as though to sit down on the bed next to Daesung. He puts his
hand on Daesung’s hand.
Daesung knows what comes next.
Daesung swallows. “No,” he says. “I don’t want to.”
Seunghyun is perfectly still. “Oh.”
Daesung stares down at his Doraemon sheets. “Uh. I think I learned enough,” he
says.
He has learned though. He’s learned a lot, and he doesn’t forget the way he
felt when he saw Seunghyun talking to that woman. He felt a pain that stung
like heartburn after too much spicy food, but he hadn’t even eaten anything.
And if the best way to prevent heartburn is to eat bland food, then maybe the
best way to prevent heart ache is to feel only bland emotions.
“Oh,” Seunghyun says again. His eyebrows are drawn together and the corners of
his mouth are turned down. “I understand.”
“Thanks though,” Daesung says. “I … I … I think it helped a little, hyung. With
the singing. Wheesung says I’m getting better at emotiong.”
“Right,” Seunghyun says.
He gets up and goes and sits on his own bed. He takes his headphones out and
gets out his laptop and starts watching some music video or something, just
like nothing at all has happened. Except his shoulders are hunched and his eyes
are nearly closed and his face is white.
Daesung sits on his bed with his hands folded in his lap for a little while,
but his heart still aches and he can’t sooth it. He wants Seunghyun to put his
laptop away and look up and protest. He wants him to say that it’s not over. He
wants Seunghyun to acknowledge that whatever this was supposed to be it’s
become something much more. But Seunghyun won’t, and Daesung can’t. He’s too
scared.
The alarm clock next to the bed says it’s quarter to one. He changes into his
pajamas. Seunghyun has not come home. He brushes his teeth. He washes his face
carefully. Seunghyun is still on his computer when he goes back to the bedroom.
It’s quarter to one in the morning. Daesung turns off the lights and lies down
in bed. Seunghyun is three feet away from him, and they might as well be miles
and miles apart.
 
*****
In the practice room he stands as far away from Big Seunghyun as he can.
Dongwook hyung’s concert will be their final test. Jaewook is trying his
hardest to get the boys ready. Sneakered feet pound against the wooden floors,
and sweat drips down Daesung’s neck.
When they take a break, Big Seunghyun stays in with Jaewook. Daesung tries not
to worry about why. He opens his bottle of water and drinks deeply. He is
hungry, but there are two hours to go before lunch.
Big Seunghyun is sitting on the floor with his back against the mirror when
they go back into the studio. His head is in his hands. Jaewook is writing
something in his notebook, but he puts it away when he sees the rest of them
are back.
He claps his hands together. “You guys need to do a lot more work,” he says.
“You’re good, but you’re not good enough. If you want Daewookie to pick you,
you have a lot more work to do.”
The music starts, and they fall back into the routine.
Big Seunghyun stays late, on his own, after the rest of them leave.
On the walk back to the dorm, Jiyong puts his hand on Daesung’s shoulder and
asks, “So did you two have a fight or something?”
Daesung blinks. He doesn’t need to ask who Jiyong is talking about. “No,
hyung,” he says. “Nothing like that.”
Jiyong doesn’t seem convinced. “Okay,” he says, “but if you did, just make up,
alright? Neither of you need to be distracted by a stupid fight right now.”
Daesung nods. The leader is right. This is business, and he was a fool to let
himself think it anything other.
*****
He goes home to his family. He isn’t going to at first, but Bohyung tells Yang
sanjangnim they need a day off. She must be able to tell how tense and nervous
and worried they all are. Jiyong hasn’t slept all week, and the circles under
Little Seunghyun’s eyes have reached new and epic proportions. Daesung doesn’t
really want to go home, but all the other boys are and he also doesn’t want to
stay at the dorm alone. Sharing a room with Seunghyun is a silent,
uncomfortable trial now. He’s afraid his mother is going to be able to tell
something is wrong with him, but when she sees him she just hugs him tightly
and tells him he needs to eat more. She spends the morning in the kitchen,
shooing Daesung away when he comes in and offers to help. When she calls them
to the table it is laden with more delicious things than Daesung has seen in a
long time. He folds his hands while his father says grace, and eats more of his
mother's delicious food than he should.
His father is silent while his sister and his mother ask him how training is
going.
Daesung chews his rice and thinks. "Everyone is trying hard," he says at last.
"We're going to have to dance for the final test, at a real concert."
“How is that Seunghyun boy doing? You always seem to mention him when you
call.”
Sometimes Daesung’s mother is too insightful for his comfort. “Seunghyun hyung
is very nervous,” he says after a moment. “He’s not a very good dancer.”
Daesung's mother sighs. "He's the tall boy, right? I thought he seemed a bit
... rough when we went to see you."
Daesung is surprised at how defensive he feels. "He's not rough, Omma. He's
really good at rapping. And he's even good at dancing. He just doesn't believe
it."
Daesung's father frowns. "There's nothing about believing. Either he is good or
he isn't, and if he isn't, I suppose that president of yours will cut him from
the team. That's the way it's supposed to work."
Daesung wants to say that that's not true -- or if it's true, it's not fair.
There's too much else involved now for anything to be as simple as 'good
dancer' and 'bad dancer'. He thought it would be as easy as that, but now he
doesn't even know what 'good enough' means.
He doesn’t contradict his father, though.
After dinner, he and his sister go for a walk. They live far enough outside of
the city that there are woods, and the trail they take is quiet and lonely,
except for birds and wind in the trees.
"How are you really doing?" his sister asks. “Something is bothering you,
Daesunggie. You can't fool noona." She wraps her arms around his shoulders and
squeezes him tight.
It's still disorienting to realize she's shorter than he is, now.
"Noona," he says, "how do you know if you want the right things?"
She turns to look at him. "Are you talking about being in this group? Daesung,
if you aren't sure you want to do this, you can come home. You know nobody
would care. Even abeoji would forgive you."
"No, no," he says. "Not that." He sighs. He can't explain this to her. "It's
just ... it's different than I thought it would be. Harder." He kicks at a pile
of last autumn's leaves. "If you want something, how do you know if you're
doing the right things to get it? How do you know you’re not supposed to be
doing something else?”
She stops talking and takes his hand. "Woah," she says. "Calm down there. I
think your question is good though. I don't think there is any way to know that
what you're doing is the right thing to do. I don't think there's any way to
know that what you want is what you should want. I think you just have to make
good decisions and be a good person, and you are a good person, Daesung. "
Daesung nods. "It's kind of selfish though, isn't it? Wanting to be a singer?"
What he is thinking is that it's selfish to fall in love with your handsome,
talented hyung. Selfish and wrong and horrible all at the same time. He wishes
he’d never even met Seunghyun.
Except he doesn’t wish that at all.
“A lot of things are selfish,” his noona says. “But singers make people happy,
and singing makes you happy. You don’t ever have to apologize for being happy,
Daesung, not if it doesn’t hurt anyone else.”
She squeezes his hand, and he smiles at her. He wants to believe her – wants to
think he can have all this happiness without feeling guilty about it. He wants
to think that he can figure this out, without making thing worse. He wants to
think that he can be in the group with Seunghyun without things being as awful
as they’ve been this past week. He barely dares -- but he wants Seunghyun too,
in the intense visceral way and in some abstract way he can’t define except to
say that his heart dances when he thinks about Seunghyun, and he’s never felt
that before.
“You’ll be fine, Daesung. You deserve this, you know,” she says. She lets go of
his hand. “Now, let’s see if you can beat your old noona,” she says, and takes
off down the trail at a sprint.
“Hey!” Daesung says. “Not fair! Noona!” But he is running after her, slipping
on the fallen leaves and laughing, and feeling lighter than he has in months.
*****
By the skin of their teeth they all make it.
It's not even that. In the end, after all Jaewook hyung's criticism, all of his
efforts to make them into professional quality dancers, it's Dongwook hyung's
kindness that saves them. At risk to himself -- It's his stage after all -
- he's going to let them all go out and perform, even those of them that maybe
aren't quite up to par. (They all know how fond he is of Big Seunghyun.)
They have to work to do, though. The night before the concert they do not
sleep. They stay in the practice studio, rehearsing the same moves over and
over. Daesung dances until his muscles feel weak, until he cannot hold his hand
still no matter how hard he tries. Then he pouts and turns to Jiyong and says,
"Hyung, can we please take a break? I think I'm going to die."
Jiyong looks grim, but he nods. "Yeah, okay. Fifteen minute break!"
Everyone is relieved. They stand around in numb, exhausted silence, gulping
water and hoping it doesn't end up making them feel sick.
Seunghyun is in the corner with Hyunseung. His hands are on his dongsaeng's
shoulders, and their faces are close together. Hyunseung is upset. Jaewook had
harsh words for him before he left for the evening, and he can't put aside his
worry and just practice. Seunghyun is not a very good hyung -- he's the
youngest in his family, after all -- but he tries.
That's just another thing about him that makes Daesung's heart feel slightly
liquid. Now, when they haven't spoken more than five words strung together to
each other in more than a week, he shoves that feeling aside. He pours a little
water into his hand and rubs it on the back of his neck. It feels good, but
what would feel better is a shower and four or five hours of sleep.
When the clock shows it's just shy of four in the morning, Jiyong decides it's
time for them to go home. He wakes Bohyung noona from where she's sleeping in
the hall, and they all trudge up the stairs and out into the silent predawn.
The roads are empty. Moths flutter around the orange streetlights. The trees
are crowned in small new green leaves and bundles of small white flowers that
glow in the dark. It's pretty, Daesung thinks, and he's glad he's not so tired
he can't appreciate that.
While they wait for Bohyung to pull the van around, Jiyong comes over and puts
his hand on Daesung's shoulder.
"You did well, Daesung," he says. He doles out praise stintingly, but Daesung
appreciates it, especially now.
He feels guilty, though, that he can't help but look over at Big Seunghyun, who
is standing by himself with his ear buds in. There's a cigarette in his hand,
and his face is smooth, solemn and pale in the uncertain light. He looks,
Daesung thinks, like he needs a hug. Daesung wishes very badly he could give
him one, but he knows how dangerous that might be.
When they arrive back at the dorm there's the normal clamor for the shower.
Jiyong exercises his privilege as leader and claims it first. The maknae
protests.
"Hyung, I'm a child! I need more sleep than you do," he says. The circles under
his eyes are a testament to that, at least.
Jiyong huffs, annoyed. "Fine, fine," he says, "but if you're in there longer
than ten minutes I'm going to pour ice water on you."
Little Seunghyun holds his arms over his head in a victory pose.
"Go!" Jiyong orders.
"I'm going! A man can’t even celebrate his victories around this place,” he
grumbles.
But he goes, and in short order they hear the shower start.
"I think we should pour ice water on him anyway," Youngbae says. He is serious,
and sober-minded, but he likes to play tricks as much as any of them.
Hyunseung and Jiyong agree, laughing, and they open the freezer to being
preparations.
In the disorder, Big Seunghyun has disappeared. Daesung notices the door to the
balcony is ajar. Big Seunghyun is out there, cigarette in hand, hood pulled up.
While the others plot their trick, Daesung steps outside.
"You shouldn't smoke so much," he says.
Seunghyun glances over. "I know," he says.
"Ah," Daesung says. He bites his lip. "Hyung ..."
"It's fine, Daesunggie," Seunghyun says. He sounds tired and hoarse. "Hey, it's
fine, you know?"
It's really not fine though. Daesung doesn't know how to explain it but it's
not. "Hyung," he says, and then he stops, because he doesn't know how to put
this into words. All the times he's ever mouthed the words to a love song, and
now he's got nothing. "I didn't mean it like that, hyung."
Seunghyun's eyes widen. "Like what?" He takes a drag of his cigarette, and
exhales.
"Like ..." Daesung is glad for the darkness, because he knows his cheeks are
red. "Like, I didn't mean that I didn't like ... that I didn't want to ..."
"Daesung," Seunghyun says, and his deep voice is barely louder than the very
distant rumble of traffic. "You don't have to pretend. I get it. You wanted to
try it. You were curious."
"No!" Daesung says, loudly. "I wasn't curious. Hyung, I was jealous." He can't
even meet Seunghyun's eyes. "Of that girl. I know you were just trying to be
kind to me hyung. I know I'm just a stupid kid. And when I saw you with that
woman ..."
Seunghyun shakes his head. "Daesung, I barely said ten words to her."
"You're handsome, hyung," Daesung says. "You're handsome and you're funny and
you've had a girlfriend. I just ... I got carried away. I like you but I know
we can’t ever ..."
He has to shut his eyes, because he's too embarrassed to keep them open
"I like you too," Seunghyun says.
"As a dongsaeng," Daesung says. "I know ..."
"No," Seunghyun says. "I ... I mean.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know what I
mean, but I like you in a different way than I like Little Seunghyun or
Hyunseung or even Jiyong." He makes a face. "Can you imagine kissing the
maknae?"
The thought is horrifying. Daesung's face must show that.
Seunghyun grins. "Exactly," he says. “It’s different, with us.”
"But hyung," Daesung says. He's confused, and his heart is trembling. "I don't
... we can't ... It would be a really bad idea."
"It's already been a bad idea," Seunghyun says. "And I ... listen, Daesung, I
don't know what it means, okay? I don't know what the way I feel about you is,
exactly, but you are special to me. Even if you are just … we’re just …” He
stops, and starts over. “No matter what, you’re special to me.”
"Really?"
"Really," Seunghyun says, and he opens his arms and hugs Daesung. And with his
head pressed against Seunghyun's chest, he feels better than he has in months.
He isn’t sure what’s going to happen, not with them and not with the group. The
future is still uncertain and terrifying, but for now, Daesung is happy.
*****
He is so tired by the morning of the concert that he's seeing double. His eyes
itch, and his skin feels like it's been shrunk, and the cup of sugary coffee
that Bohyung noona hands him only makes him feel a little nauseous. He drinks
it anyway, though.
The arena is big, and empty, and so busy. There are dozens of people rushing to
finish the stage, to check the sound system and the lights and the amazing
mechanical lifts that tremble like the earth is shaking. Daesung hasn't ever
been to a concert, and he had no idea so many people were involved. He'd feel a
bit guilty, but then even Jiyong hyung, who's been on stage before, seems a bit
awed.
Finally, it's time for them to stand on stage. It's just rehearsal, but it
feels real -- more real than it's ever felt in the humid basement studio.
Daesung takes a deep breath and says a few words of prayer. They've worked so
hard, and practiced so much, and he just wants this to be over but even more
than that he wants everyone -- every one of the members -- to do well, well
enough that Yang sanjangnim has no choice but to accept them all as part of the
group.
And then the music starts and they start to move in fluid unison. Dongwook
hyung's voice is loud and clear and Daesung knows this song better than he
knows the sound of his own heart beating. He can feel the others moving with
and around him. He doesn't need to look to see. His heart is pounding, and then
...
Then it's time for Youngbae's flip. He's landed it a thousand times, and
Daesung's sure this time will be no different but then there's a thud and
Youngbae isn't on his feet but on the ground, holding his hand to his chest.
His eyes are shut tight and his lips are pressed together and there is blood
streaming down his hand, dripping red down his wrist.
Daesung just stands and stares dumbly. How could Youngbae have fallen? It
doesn't make sense, and he wonders if he closes his eyes and opens them he'll
find it all to have been some kind of joke, a prank cooked up by Dongwook hyung
to lighten the tension.
It's not a joke though. Jiyong shouts at him to get back to his place, and the
music keeps playing. Daesung stumbles but finds his way back to his spot, or
close enough.
It doesn't feel right, though. It doesn't feel good.
When the music ends Bohyung noona ushers Youngbae off stage. His nail is split
and bleeding. Jiyong stalks after them. Daesung and the others stand awkwardly
on stage until they're shooed away.
It's hard to remember sometimes that in the grand scheme of things they are
pretty unimportant.
They sit in awkward silence back stage until Jiyong emerges from the dressing
room.
"Is hyung okay?" Little Seunghyun asks.
"He's fine," Jiyong says. "You guys though ... You really screwed up."
Jiyong is as scared as any of them, but he's the leader and he can channel his
fear into anger.
He's right, anyway. If it had been a real stage, and not just rehearsal, they
couldn't just freeze if something went wrong. They're supposed to be
professionals, or nearly so.
They've screwed up badly.
Big Seunghyun hasn't said a word since they got off stage. His face is white
and drawn and he looks younger than Daesung has ever seen him look.
Tirade over, Jiyong storms off to check on Youngbae.
They sit there in silence for a few moments longer and then Big Seunghyun says,
"You know, when he gets mad he looks just like his mom."
None of them are much in the mood for laughter but that earns Seunghyun some
smiles, at least. Maybe even a giggle from Little Seunghyun.
"He's right though," Hyunseung says. "We screwed up."
"Won't be the last time," Big Seunghyun says. "I'm going to go see how Youngbae
is doing."
Youngbae is fine, and they don't have time to wallow. They're only doing one
stage but they have to get their hair done and get dressed and have silly black
and white designs painted on their faces. The paint tickles and makes Daesung
giggle. The makeup noona rolls her eyes at him, but she smiles so he doesn't
think she's too annoyed.
Finally, they are waiting in the dark of the wings.
Daesung just wants it to be over -- all of it. He wants the performance to be
over, and he wants the grind of the audition process to be over, and he wants
to know what his fate will be. What their fate will be.
But then it's time and he can't worry about that any more because he has to
dance. The audience is just a blur of light and the uncanny florescent green of
glow sticks. It's loud, and it's hot, and it's fast, and it's kind of
wonderful. They don't mess up. Not even once. And then when it's done and
Dongwook hyung is introducing them. When it's Daesung's turn to take the
microphone his hands are so sweaty he's afraid he'll drop it. He's too nervous
to say anything other than his name. (Later, even years later, they'll rewatch
this and laugh, but when Daesung hands the mic over to Big Seunghyun he's
worried for a moment he's made a horrible mistake. Big Seunghyun smiles at him,
though, and that worry is quelled by the bright, burning surety in his heart
that this is truly what he wants to spend the rest of his life doing, with
these people on the stage with him.)
When it's really over -- when they're back stage wiping off the grease paint
and congratulating each other -- it seems amazing that it all happened so
quickly.
"I wish we could do it again," Little Seunghyun says.
"Me too," Daesung says.
Jiyong is smiling a huge, goofy smile. "We will!," he says, and he sounds like
he believes it entirely.
The concert hall is reverberating with the music and the endless noise of the
crowd and the restless chatter of the staff. Daesung feels jittery, and his
throat hurts as badly as if he's been singing for hours. Bohyung is laughing
with Little Seunghyun and Hyunseung, and Jiyong and Youngbae have gone to stand
side stage and watch the rest of the concert. Daesung feels a lot of something,
but he isn't sure what it is -- a weird intense shaky feeling that could be
nerves or terror or joy.
He steps out into the hallway.
"Hey, good job." It's Big Seunghyun. He's sitting on the dingy linoleum, knees
to his chest.
"Ah, hyung," Daesung says. "You scared me."
"Sorry, Daesung," he says. His face is scrubbed clean and his skin is shiny,
but his hat is pulled low.
"What are you doing out here?" Daesung sticks his hands in his pockets and then
takes them out. It's chillier in the hall, and he wishes he'd grabbed his
sweatshirt.
Big Seunghyun shakes his head. "Just thinking about it."
Daesung nods. "It was really great, wasn't it?"
"It was really great," Big Seunghyun says. "I wish I could go back in time and
do it again."
"We're going to do it again," Daesung says. He's sure of that; how could Yang
sanjangnim dismiss even one of them after how well they did?
Seunghyun laughs, a little sadly, and says, "Maybe."
"Hyung ..." Daesung
"It's weird," Seunghyun says. "I wasn't even sure if this was what I wanted,
but now I'm terrified that I'm not going to get it." He says he's not sure but
his voice is the tell -- he sounds scared, and certain that he's going to fail,
and Daesung feels the walls he's built up to keep his affection in check
crumble.
He sits down right next to Seunghyun, so they're pressed close together. "You
did good though," he says. "Hyung, we all did well. Maybe Yang sanjangnim won't
cut anyone ..."
"He's going to," Seunghyun says, darkly, and Daesung doesn't know if he truly
does know, if Bohyung or someone else let something slip, or if he's just so
sure of his own inadequacy that he's already convinced himself that he won't
make it.
He's probably right. Maybe it'll even be Daesung who gets cut. It's possible.
It's likely even. He doesn't know. He has no way of knowing, and he's so tired
and so nervous that he feels like he could cry. "Maybe," he says, nodding his
head in agreement. He closes his eyes and swallows hard because he thinks he
really might cry all of a sudden. His eyes burn and his chest feels tight and
he feels like everything he's kept balled up inside of him might start pouring
out.
"Hey," Seunghyun says, and he wraps his arm around Daesung's shoulder, and
there's nothing more in that embrace than comfort, except the memory of
something hotter and fiercer that might never fully fade. "They're not going to
get rid of you."
Daesung nods, but he really is crying now. Tears are running from the corners
of his eyes down his cheeks, great big salty drops that fall onto his lap. He
takes a deep breath, and another, and Seunghyun holds him.
"They're not going to get rid of you," Seunghyun says again, softly. "They'd be
stupid to get rid of you." He sounds almost like he's talking to himself.
"They shouldn't get rid of any of us," Daesung says roughly. "I don't want
anyone to go." He reaches for Seunghyun's hand and squeezes it, because what he
really means is that he doesn't want Seunghyun to go. That is what he wants
least of all, even now.
Seunghyun is still for a moment, but then he squeezes Daesung's hand back. "I
guess ..." He stops, and Daesung can tell he's thinking hard because there's
this slightly blank look on his face. "I guess maybe it's better at least that
we got to stand on stage together one time, you know?" He says that, but he
sounds uncertain.
Daesung nods, but he's swallowing to stop himself from sobbing and wiping his
wet eyes with the back of his hands. "It's not fair," he says.
"It's not fair," Seunghyun agrees. "But I guess maybe we're lucky anyway. I
mean, most people don't get to feel something that incredible even once in
their whole lives."
Daesung is sure his face is blotchy and his nose is red, and he looks like a
mess, but he doesn't care that much. At this point, that doesn't matter. He
looks up at Seunghyun and tries to remember what it felt like to see him for
the first time. Then, Daesung had been amazed at how handsome he was. Anyone
that handsome, he'd been sure, was a bad guy, a player. Now he stares at those
same features -- Seunghyun's eyes and long, fluffy eyelashes, his straight
nose, the dimples in his cheeks, his curved upper lip -- and they don't really
matter at all, because he can't look at Seunghyun without thinking about loving
him, and that makes it completely different.
"Do you think so?" Daesung asks. Maybe it is that uncommon. He doesn't know
anything about love. He's never even watched any dramas.
Seunghyun shrugs. "Don't know," he says. "It kind of feels that way, though,
doesn't it?"
It does. Daesung's not even sure what they're talking about, but it does.
Everything that's happened has been so far beyond what he'd hoped. If he goes
home next week, maybe he can be content with what he's had up until now.
Maybe.
"I'd miss you though, hyung," he says, quietly. "I'd miss you so much."
"I'll miss you too," Seunghyun says, voice nearly a sigh.
Down the other end of the hall the double doors fly open, and the dancers come
through, shining and laughing and glad. Daesung lets go of Seunghyun's hand,
and curls his arms around himself.
Seunghyun stands up. "Come on," he says. "Let's go find the others."
He holds out a hand to Daesung and helps him to his feet.
*****
"I want patbingsoo later!" Big Seunghyun yells. "Let’s ride the roller coaster
first though. Come on!"
Tomorrow is D-Day, but right now they're at the amusement park, and Big
Seunghyun seems intent on eating enough junk food to make himself sick.
Standing in line for the roller coaster, life feels more normal than it has in
a long time. Daesung laughs at Big Seunghyun's bad jokes, and Jiyong and
Youngbae tease Little Seunghyun for trying to flirt with the girl who'd taken
their tickets. Hyunseung is silent, sunken into some private contemplation.
Daesung feels bad, but he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if there's
anything he could do that would make Hyunseung feel better.
Sometimes there are things you need to make your own peace with. Daesung has
gotten a little bit wiser, in the last few months.
"Are you excited?" Seunghyun asks. Finally they've reached the end of the
queue, and they're strapping themselves into the padded roller coaster seats.
They sit two by two, and Seunghyun and Daesung are together.
"Kind of, hyung," Daesung says.
In truth, he's never gone on a roller coaster as big as this one before, and
he's a little nervous.
"You're scared," Seunghyun says.
"I'm not!" Daesung says.
Seunghyun rolls his eyes.
Some hidden hydraulic mechanism engages, and the harnesses lower over their
heads. Daesung grips the safety bar. Seunghyun calls out to Jiyong, in the car
in front of theirs.
The bored teenager manning the control booth waves, and they beginning a
creaking, terrible slow climb up to the top of the first hill. Down below the
other rides look doll-sized, and the people no bigger than ants.
Daesung's not afraid of heights, but he doesn't really like the anticipation.
He swallows.
"Don't be scared," Seunghyun yells.
"I'm not," Daesung says. He's really not.
Seunghyun reaches out and grabs Daesung's hand. His palm is warm and a little
sweaty. The coaster is just at the acme. They hang there for a moment, meters
in the air, and then momentum carries the car forward past the point of no
return and they go.
"Let go!" Seunghyun screams, barely audible over the rush.
Daesung is screaming or laughing too -- he's not sure which. He throws his one
hand up, but the other is in Seunghyun's hand still, and he holds on tight.
End Notes
     If you haven't yet watched the Big Bang documentary, get yourself to
     youtube and search 'Big Bang Documentary eng sub'. If you have
     watched it, you should be able to see very clearly what a huge debt
     this story owes it. Thank to the subbers who've made it available to
     English-language people like myself. On a similar note, I am
     decidedly NOT a scholar of Korean language or culture. I've tried to
     keep my use of Korean to a minimum, and restricted it honorifics and
     relationship terms that didn't have a good corresponding English
     term. Although some of my usages might not be strictly speaking
     correct, I've tried hard to strike a balance between accuracy and
     readability.
     This story originally started out somewhat differently in tone and
     form, and during the very early stages of writing I did quite a bit
     of research about sexual education and the age of consent in Korea.
     While most of that never made it explicitly into the story, it did
     inform how I wrote Daesung's character. If you would like more
     information on these subjects, check out this_article or this about
     Korea's ambiguous age of consent. This provided some very useful
     information about sexual education in Korea, and, well, I think the
     title of this one says it all: International_Encyclopedia_of
     Sexuality:_South_Korea_-_4._Autoerotic_Behaviors_and_Patterns.
     There were a few potentially problematic themes in this story that
     emerged and that I promptly swept back under the rug. I did think
     long and hard about how to treat the issue of religion and
     homosexuality, homophobia in Korean society, and even the stereotyped
     presentation of gender roles enacted by Daesung's parents. (Can you
     tell I've spent way too long in higher education?) When push came to
     shove though, this was a love story, and lacking any critical
     expertise in those aforementioned subjects, I thought it would be
     better to treat them lightly. And oh yeah, although you might not
     know it from this, I actually really do love all the BB boys,
     including Seungri, but I think he probably was kind of unbearable as
     a kid. You know. In a cute way.
     Thanks again to my bff rubblerousing. Hope you enjoyed :)
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