Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/566615.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Glee
  Relationship:
      Blaine_Anderson_/_Sebastian_Smythe, Sebastian_Smythe_/_OMC
  Character:
      Blaine_Anderson, Sebastian_Smythe, OMC
  Additional Tags:
      First_Time, Anal_Sex, Sebastian_Angst, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Incest, Death
      of_OC, Thoughts_of_Suicide, Slut_Shaming, Recovery
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-11-18 Words: 13257
****** The Secret ******
by DeanRykerStrom
Summary
     Everyone has a secret.
Notes
     This is originally a GKM fill before I realize it can also fit in
     with the Bi-weekly challenge for the prompt "one word". If there is
     only one fic you can read of mine, I'd say this is THE fic to read. I
     rarely like my work or think it's any good, but I do consider this
     one my best work. Please note that this fic contains dark subject
     matters such as: non-con, slut shaming, thoughts of suicide, incest,
     and death of an OC; NONE of the aforementioned triggers are Seblaine-
     related and NEITHER Sebastian nor Blaine was placed in a bad light in
     this fic. The first 4 triggers are found in the large italicized
     section and you can skip it if you want. This is a fic about secret,
     overcoming the demons and recovering; it's also a fic about closure.
     Special thanks to my beta mothergoddamn who turned this from a piece
     of crap to what I consider to be my best work to date. This has been
     the most emotionally draining and traumatic fic to write, I call this
     a labor of love because I went to some dark places to write this (and
     I am never going back there again). I hope you like this fic.
See the end of the work for more notes
THE SECRET
Blaine huffed out in frustration as his phone camera missed one of the
buildings that their cab had driven pass. Blaine knew he should've brought his
digital camera, but Blaine had been so excited about the trip that he ended up
forgetting quite a few essential items. Normally, Blaine would not have gotten
that worked up over having missing a photo opportunity, but not this time.
Not when he was in Paris with Sebastian.
There was definitely a lot of merit to the hype that surrounded the phrase
"spring time in Paris". Paris during this season was breathtaking, with the
flowers in full bloom and the weather perfectly temperate and ideal for
spending the days out exploring the city.
"I thought you said you've been here before." Sebastian's voice made Blaine
jump. His boyfriend has been so quiet during the car ride so far that for a
moment, Blaine had forgotten there was another person in the car with him. "If
I don't know any better, I'd think this is your first time."
"Well, to be fair, I was really young then and I never got over my jetlag in
time to appreciate the city." Blaine grinned at Sebastian, who returned him a
soft smile. "Besides, this time is special. I came here with you."
"Indeed." For some reason, Sebastian didn't seem so enthusiastic about the
trip. Blaine hoped that it wasn't because he was having second thoughts about
introducing Blaine to his family.
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I just didn't get enough sleep on the plane." Sebastian rubbed his
temples. "I'll get over it."
"You sure about that?" Blaine still wasn't convinced.
"If I were you, I'd be more concerned about the questions my family's going to
ask you." There was a mischievous glint in Sebastian's eyes.
"Um … What exactly did you say to them about me?"
"Nothing." Sebastian has a smirk on his face. "But let's just say that you're
the first person I've ever brought home to meet them. Oh, and by 'them', that
includes the relatives too."
Suddenly, the idea of spring time in Paris didn't sound as attractive anymore.
===============================================================================
It wasn't until their car stopped at the hotel that Blaine realized how big of
a deal this family gathering was.
"Wait, I thought we're staying at your house?" Blaine thanked the bell hop as
his luggage was being pulled to the reception.
"There isn't enough room in the house for everyone," Sebastian explained as he
gave the hotel reception his credit card.
"We're not just meeting your relatives who are living in France?" Blaine
wondered just how many people were coming to this gathering as they followed
the bellhop to their room.
"We don't do these gatherings often, so when we do, everyone and his dog are
coming." Sebastian tipped the bellhop and closed the door behind them. Blaine
was expecting Sebastian to take this opportunity to kiss him, but instead,
Sebastian simply lifted his arms and stretched. "What?"
"You said we're not meeting your family till mid-week, right?" Blaine had been
concerned that with all the mingling he would probably have to do, Sebastian
and he would have little private time together. But Blaine was quickly warming
up to the idea of their having a hotel room to themselves.
"That's right." Sebastian had started unpacking. "We should just take it easy
today."
"I slept on the plane, remember?" Blaine walked up behind Sebastian and wrapped
his arms around Sebastian's waist. This was perfect. They were at a beautiful
city, they had a lavish hotel suite, and they were in love. Things just
couldn't get better than this. "I'm thinking maybe we can find ways to pass the
time?"
With the view of the Eiffel Tower right outside the window, kissing and hugging
at the balcony just seemed like the thing to do.
"I'm actually a bit tired." Sebastian removed Blaine's arms from his middle.
"I'm going to take a shower and take a nap. Maybe we can take a night stroll
after dinner."
"Oh, okay." Blaine could feel his face burning at the rejection. Blaine rarely
took the initiative in this relationship, and it was hard to not feel
embarrassed when Sebastian said no. It wasn't as though Blaine was
propositioning Sebastian, he just wanted to cuddle. "Well then, why don't you
take a shower and I'll unpack for us?"
"If you don't mind." Sebastian picked out the clothes from the suitcase.
"It's fine." Blaine gave his boyfriend a small smile.
"You're the best, babe." Sebastian returned his smile and leaned down to give
him a quick peck on the cheek. "See you in fifteen."
Blaine stared after Sebastian for a few moments after Sebastian had closed the
bathroom door behind him. Blaine couldn't help but feel a little disappointed
and concerned. Sure, Sebastian could get a little handsy sometimes, but they
were in Paris, the city of romance and love and this was one of those times
when Blaine would actually like Sebastian to be a bit more "hands-on". It
wasn't that Blaine wanted to make out for the entire duration of their stay,
but things had been a bit strange between them lately, ever since Sebastian
invited him to come to France.
"Hey, I almost forgot. We've got all of tomorrow to ourselves." Blaine's breath
caught in his throat when Sebastian came out from the restroom moments later
wearing nothing but a towel low around his waist. His skin was damp while his
hair was still wet. Droplets of water dripped from a strand of hair onto his
chest and rolled downward. "Blaine, I'm up here."
"Sorry, what were you saying?" There was a satisfied smirk on Sebastian's face
which served as a confirmation that Sebastian had intended on Blaine getting
distracted.
"I said we have tomorrow to ourselves." Sebastian made a point of walking
around the room before stopping in front of the closet to look for his clothes.
"We can do the sightseeing around Paris and then have dinner at Guy Savoy."
"It sounds expensive. You know you don't have to do this, right?" Blaine
swallowed hard at the sight. It was difficult to try to think coherently when
Sebastian looked so damn hot. "We can just grab something from the bakery and—"
"No, we're going to celebrate this. Celebrate us." Sebastian was insistent.
"I've already booked a table for us. You're going to love it there."
There was a smile on Sebastian's face, the first real smile that Blaine had
seen since their arrival in Paris. Blaine decided that whatever that would make
Sebastian happy, he would gladly follow. A romantic date in the city of love
might just be the thing they need after all.
===============================================================================
Paris was everything Blaine had ever imagined, and having the man he loved at
his side in the City of Lights was beyond even that. As they toured the city,
the Lourve, Arc de Triomphe, Notre Dame- Blaine would find the history in front
of him fading away to the sidelines as he watched Sebastian's face, the light
in his eyes and quirk of his lips as he excitedly told Blaine of the history
behind his home.
"This is why I said you want to come to the Tower early in the morning, less
people that way." Sebastian commented as they watched the view of the city from
the tower. "We can't stay too long though, still got a list of places to go.
There's this place that serves really good galette near Basilique du Sacré-Cœur
that you have to try."
"Galette?"
"It's like crepe, except it's savory and made of buckwheat." Sebastian
clarified. "Time's up, come on, our next stop awaits."
They ended up visiting quite a number of places in the span of a day. Ranging
from Arc du Triomphe, Invalides, Notre Dame Cathedral to Basilique du Sacré-
Cœur and the famous Paris Opera House. As they were near the end of the day,
Sebastian insisted that they swung by the hotel first.
"The limo is picking us up at seven." Sebastian looked through the closet and
picked out a shirt and blazer. "We've got some time to shower and get ready."
"Do you want to go first?"
"In case you haven't noticed, there're two shower heads in this bathroom." The
corner of Sebastian's lips curled up in a smirk.
"I—But—" Blaine floundered, both mentally kicking himself for not being able to
find the right words and being so easily flustered.
"I'm just teasing you." Sebastian pulled his tee shirt over his shoulders and
dropped it onto the carpet as he made his way to the bathroom. "We'd never make
it to the restaurant if we shower together."
"Um, right." It was distracting to see Sebastian doing what would appear to be
a strip tease before him. Sebastian looked amazing without a shirt. In spite of
his lean physique, Sebastian was muscular and toned. Blaine couldn't help but
stare at the defined muscles on Sebastian's arms, shoulders, abdomen and—
"Enjoying the view?" Sebastian started unzipping his jeans. "I was going to
take off my clothes in the bathroom but if you want, I'm more than happy to do
it here."
"D—dinner reservation." Blaine's mouth felt dry. He had to force himself to
tear his gaze away from Sebastian and make his brain function again. "I mean, I
don't mean I don't like looking at you but I think we should go have dinner.
I'm not saying food is more important than you are though!" Blaine shut his
mouth before more words came out.
"Point taken." Sebastian didn't look offended. He looked over his shoulder to
give Blaine another smirk before walking into the bathroom. Blaine could have
sworn that Sebastian was swaying his hips on the way there.
Blaine was pretty sure that the upcoming evening was going to be both memorable
and sexually frustrating.
===============================================================================
"Okay, I'm going to do it" Blaine nodded. "I can do this."
"You aren't enlisting, Blaine. You are ordering our food." Sebastian tilted his
head, a fond grin on his face. "A feat you should be able to manage after the
amount of- uh- persuasive coaching methods I gave you."
Blaine blushed a little, remembering the full extent of Sebastian's reward and
recognition services. He couldn't hear the phrase où est la bibliothèque
without moaning. A possibly historical first.
"Shut up or I'll order you anchovies."
Sebastian shuddered, clicking his fingers and drawing a waiter near. "Monsieur,
my friend here would like to desecrate our beautiful language."
"Oui, Monsieur." The waiter winked. "After a while I got used to it and
eventually stopped crying myself to sleep." He held out his notepad and smiled.
"Allez-y, s'il vous plaît, monsieur."
Blaine squinted.
"Ah! Fell at the first hurdle! And you, a Celine Dion fan."
"Mon dieu," the waiter sighed. "Condoléances."
"Heureusement, il est mimi."
"Sebastian, shut up" Blaine laughed clearing his throat. "You are putting me
off."
"Go ahead, baby. Like we practiced."
Blaine sighed, frowning at the menu. What was that dish that Sebastian had
suggested? God, he'd go with that. At least he could remember it.
"Je voudrais quelques savoureuses boules, er, couilles? Yes! couilles en sueur,
s'il vous plaît!"
The waiter stared at him over the notepad. "Uh, I'm sorry, Monsieur?"
"Did I say it wrong? Quelques savoureuses couilles de sueur?" asked Blaine.
Sebastian's shoulders began to shake, a napkin pressed to his mouth. "J'aime
couilles?"
"Will spaghetti and meatballs satisfy your insatiable need?"
The realization that he might have said something inordinately inappropriate
dawned on Blaine and he felt his face burned up in embarrassment. "Oh, I—I—"
"We'll have the Menu Prestige with the wine pairings." Sebastian smiled and
handed the menu back to the waiter.
"I don't know what you made me say but I hate you." With the waiter out of
sight, Blaine threw his own napkin at Sebastian in a pretend huff.
"You- Blaine Anderson-" Blaine felt his breath caught in his throat as
Sebastian pressed his thigh against Blaine's. "do not hate me. I mean- look at
me." Sebastian raised his eyebrows. "Play your cards right and you may get what
you ordered after all..."
Blaine narrowed his eyes. "My spidey senses are telling me 'ew, you pervert' is
the correct response here."
Sebastian didn't reply this time. Instead, he laughed softly and reached for
Blaine's hands as he interlaced their fingers together. And when their waiter
came back with their wine, Sebastian raised his glass. "To us."
Blaine raised his glass in turn, feeling his heart swelling in happiness. "To
us."
===============================================================================
By the time they left the restaurant, Blaine was giddy with excitement and
happiness. Dinner had been spectacular. While the food was delicious and
beautifully presented; each morsel was like a taste of heaven; but it was
really the presence of Sebastian that made this occasion the most
unforgettable.
The ride back to the hotel seemed almost too long. In spite of the spaciousness
of the limousine, Blaine found himself pressed up against Sebastian's side. At
such close proximity, Blaine could almost feel the heat that was radiating off
Sebastian's skin. Sebastian was even more beautiful than usual in this light,
with his hair still perfectly coifed and a few strand of stray hair falling
across his forehead. Blaine's eyes traveled downward and rested on the nape of
Sebastian's neck. It was just so tempting to reach out and touch Sebastian
right now, to place little kisses on the bare skin and inhale the scene that
was so distinctively Sebastian. Every now and then, Sebastian would press his
thigh against Blaine's, just as his fingers would brush lightly against
Blaine's hand, sending a small electric jolt up Blaine's arm every time.
When they finally arrived at the hotel, Blaine's entire being was thrumming
with anticipation. It would seem that Sebastian felt the same way as well. As
they exited the elevator and walked down the hallway to their room, Sebastian
slipped his arm around Blaine's waist and pulled him close. Blaine wrapped his
own arm against Sebastian's middle and let his fingers played with the waist
band of Sebastian's slacks, trailing his fingers back and forth on the fabric.
The door to their room opened with a light click. Sebastian held the door open
to let Blaine in first. Instead, Blaine simply took Sebastian's hand and led
him inside. There were only two lights on inside the room, but even in this
light Blaine could see Sebastian's eyes darkening. Reaching up, Blaine tried to
tug Sebastian toward him as he got on his tiptoes and meet Sebastian halfway,
pressing his lips to Sebastian's in an open mouth kiss.
The kiss started slowly and lightly, just a few light brushes of lips against
lips, feathery touches where Blaine could feel Sebastian's breath ghosting
against his skin. And then Sebastian deepened the kiss as his arms traveled
down Blaine's sides and rested on his hips. Blaine reciprocated in turn,
swiping his tongue against Sebastian's lips to seek entrance. Sebastian parted
his lips quickly, and for a few moments it was just a series of wet kisses as
they parted briefly for breath before coming together again. Blaine felt
himself being navigated to the bedroom and reached up to undo his tie, throwing
it onto the carpet before doing the same with the rest of his clothing.
They stumbled onto the bed in a mess of tangled limbs. Blaine let out a soft
laugh as Sebastian leaned over him. They had made out before, plenty of times.
This wouldn't be the first time that Sebastian was on top of him, but something
in Blaine knew that this time wouldn't be like the other times.
When Sebastian didn't make the next move, Blaine took the initiative and pulled
Sebastian down on top of him. Blaine tilted his head slightly so that he could
capture Sebastian's mouth. He ran his hand up Sebastian's back, feeling the
heated skin under his fingertips.
"Blaine, wait." Sebastian propped himself up on his elbows. "This—If we
continue this, is this what you wanted?"
While Blaine knew Sebastian would never force Blaine into anything, the fact
that Sebastian still asked anyway only made Blaine even more certain.
"Yes." Blaine leaned up and pressed little kisses along Sebastian's jawline.
"Definitely yes."
Sebastian turned his head to meet one of the kisses before gently pressing
Blaine down onto the mattress. "If you change your mind at any time—"
"I'll tell you." Blaine reassured Sebastian and gave his boyfriend a smile.
"Don't worry."
"Okay." Sebastian licked his lips and gave Blaine a smile. "All right, then."
Sebastian was careful and gentle. Blaine knew Sebastian was experienced, but he
wasn't expecting the tentative touches that glided across his skin, nor was he
expecting the small and almost hesitant kisses that Sebastian would press onto
his body. Sebastian was taking the time to map out every surface, touching and
caressing every part of Blaine with the utmost care. When Sebastian brushed his
thumb across Blaine's nipple experimentally, Blaine let out a small gasp, which
prompted Sebastian to stop.
"You okay?"
"Yes, yes I'm fine." Blaine's body felt like it was on fire, and his heart was
beating so quickly that it was almost overwhelming. "Don't stop."
Sebastian gave Blaine a kiss on his forehead before continuing. He kissed his
way down Blaine's torso, pressing butterfly kisses on Blaine's abdomen and
sucking lightly at Blaine's hipbone. And when he took Blaine into his mouth,
Blaine almost came right then and there.
"Se—Sebastian!" It took all the self-restraint Blaine had to not thrust up into
that wet heat. It felt incredible. It was one thing to have Sebastian jerking
him off, but this was entirely a different level of pleasure. Blaine dug his
fingers into the bed sheets and curled them into fists, pulling at the fabric
as Blaine tried to stifle his moans and keep himself from coming too soon.
"Wait!"
Sebastian pulled off so quickly that it took Blaine a few moments in his lust
induced haze to realize what he had just said.
"Shit, did I hurt you?" There was a slight edge to Sebastian's voice, and
Blaine immediately felt bad for the false alarm.
"No, I just—if you keep doing that, I'm going to come." For once Blaine was
thankful for the dark lighting, because he could feel his embarrassment making
itself known by the way his face was heating up.
"You don't want to come?" The expression on Sebastian's face had turned from
alarm to that of confusion.
"No, of course I do, it's just—" Never in Blaine's life did he expect that he
would actually say this out loud. He bit his lip briefly as he tried to muster
up the courage. This was it, he knew it. "I'd rather do that with you inside."
Blaine had said the last several words quickly that he was certain that he had
stumbled over them.
But Sebastian evidently heard Blaine, because then he was reaching into one of
the bedside drawers and pulling out a tube of lube and an unopened box of
condoms.
"You have to let me know if I'm hurting you." Sebastian reiterated. It was
almost endearing, just how careful Sebastian was with Blaine.
"I'm not made of glass." Blaine quipped as he tried to lighten the mood. If
Blaine didn't know any better, he would think Sebastian was worried. "It's
okay."
The first finger felt strange to Blaine. He had fingered himself before, but
Sebastian's finger was longer and could reach deeper. One finger turned into
two, and then three. By the time Sebastian had four fingers inside of Blaine,
Blaine was already thrusting back and fucking himself on Sebastian's fingers,
needing more.
Blaine let out a frustrated noise when Sebastian withdrew his fingers. He could
hear the sound of the wrapper opening in the background and then Sebastian was
leaning over him again, his green eyes bright and pupils dilated. Blaine nodded
his assent, and that was all the confirmation that Sebastian needed. Gentle
hands parted Blaine's thighs wider and lifted his hips up, Blaine kept his eyes
opened and hissed when he felt the breach.
Right away, Sebastian paused.
"Don't stop." Blaine tried to even out his breathing and make himself relax.
Sebastian was definitely not small at all, and in comparison, four fingers
didn't seem quite enough. But Blaine knew that with time, it would feel better.
"I'm hurting you."
"I'll be okay." Blaine gripped Sebastian's arm firmly, trying to assure the
latter that he wanted to continue. "Go on."
"You hissed."
"Sebastian," he sighed, a smile on his face. "Stop panicking. I'm fine."
"I—It's just—you trust me so much." A shadow crossed Sebastian's face. "I don't
want to advantage of—You have to tell me if I'm hurting you, Blaine."
"Trust me, it's all right."
Sebastian looked uncertain for a moment, but then he was moving, pushing
himself into Blaine in an agonizingly slow pace while watching Blaine's face
for any signs of pain and discomfort. Blaine clenched his jaws tightly as he
tried to muster a smile. It was sweet of Sebastian to be so attentive, but the
last thing Blaine wanted to happen was for Sebastian to stop.
It took a while for Blaine to adjust, but once he did, he was certain that it
was the best feeling in the world. He felt full and whole with Sebastian inside
of him, it was an incredible feeling to be so close and connected with someone.
Sebastian started out with slow, measured thrusts; as though trying to gauge
Blaine's reaction and comfort level. Blaine hooked his legs around Sebastian's
waist to pull him in closer and deeper, and as Sebastian pushed in again,
Blaine tried to push back against Sebastian and meet him mid-thrust.
"Fuck …" Sebastian panted against Blaine's ear, his breath hot against Blaine's
skin. "You—you feel incredible!"
Blaine turned his head and placed a wet kiss on Sebastian's cheek. "Faster."
Blaine said softly. He wanted more, he needed more. Blaine wanted to take
everything Sebastian could give to him.
Sebastian responded by hooking Blaine's legs over his shoulders to give him
better leverage. At this angle, every thrust was brushing against Blaine's
prostate. And each time that spot was touched upon, Blaine got that much closer
to the edge. Blaine pushed back against Sebastian, roughly and eagerly, wanting
and craving more as he moaned and gasped. Sebastian reached for Blaine's hand
and intertwined his fingers with Blaine's as he lowered down so that they were
almost chest to chest. In this position, Blaine could lean up and kiss
Sebastian.
They kissed each other messily, their teeth clacking against each other as each
thrust became faster, harder, and more erratic. With his free hand, Sebastian
reached between them and ran his fingers lightly down Blaine's length. It all
happened so quickly, one moment Blaine was still kissing Sebastian, and the
next moment his world had exploded in a myriad of colors as Blaine climaxed. It
was as though the world had slowed down as Blaine came down from his orgasm-
induced haze. He could hear Sebastian panting against his lips, he could feel
Sebastian moving inside of him; he could still feel everything so sharply but
at the same time it also felt as though he was not there. It was surreal and
blissful at the same time.
When Blaine found the ability to speak again, Sebastian had already cleaned
them both up and was lying next to him.
"You doing okay?" Blaine turned to his side so that he could see Sebastian.
Sebastian's eyes looked even greener than usual from this vantage point.
Surprisingly, there were tinges of uncertainty and worry in those eyes.
"I'm fine. Great, actually." Blaine let out a self-conscious laugh. He had no
idea what he was supposed to say after something like this. His entire body was
still thrumming with the pleasant effect from the orgasm. And he just felt so
damn happy,
"You're not hurt?" Sebastian asked again. "You sure?"
"Yes." Blaine took Sebastian's hand into his. "Did I hurt you?"
The question was meant as a joke, a strange look crossed Sebastian's face but
it was gone as soon as Blaine saw it.
"More like you tired me out, and that's saying something." Sebastian gave
Blaine a small smile before changing the subject. "Think you're up for meeting
the family tomorrow?"
"I think I'll be okay." Blaine dove forward and pressed a kiss on the corner of
Sebastian's lips. "As long as you don't leave me to fend for myself."
"Never."
They kissed for a few more moments, each kiss sweet and lingering before Blaine
settled himself against Sebastian, resting his head in the crook of arm and
closing his eyes. As Blaine was about to drift off, he could have sworn he
heard Sebastian whispering "thank you."
===============================================================================
"You still breathing there?" Sebastian gave Blaine a nudge as they stood in a
quiet corner. They were at one of Sebastian's relatives' residence. In spite of
the spacious living room, the entire house was taken up by people.
"Yeah." Blaine took a sip of his orange juice. "It's a bit … overwhelming, but
they're all very nice."
When Sebastian first asked Blaine to join him on his trip to Paris, Blaine had
been thrilled. But as the excitement passed and the realization of what was
happened finally dawned on Blaine, he immediately found himself in a state of
panic. Blaine hoped Sebastian didn't invite him along out of obligation. Sure,
one year was a big deal, but Blaine wasn't really expecting to meet the family
that quickly, not when they were still students at Dalton. But once Blaine had
calmed down, he had decided that meeting Sebastian's family was a big deal
regardless of the reasons behind Sebastian's invitation, so Blaine had planned
on putting his best foot forward; and it would seem that his worries were
unfounded.
"Believe it or not, they've already toned it down." Sebastian eyed his glass of
wine. "Who have you met so far?"
"Well, let's see." Blaine tried to identify some of the people within the crowd
as he named them off. "Cousins Charlotte and Didier, your Uncle Maurice and his
wife Nathalie, Aunt Mathilde and her husband Thierry, your parents, more
cousins. I think their names are Genevieve, Arnaud, Jacque, and Pierre?"
"Not bad." Sebastian gave a low whistle. "I'm impressed."
"Well, I do try." Blaine preened. The gathering had gone well so far,
Sebastian's family seemed to like him. And while Sebastian couldn't speak
fluent French, Sebastian's relatives had been kind enough to speak to him in
English whenever Blaine struggled with the language. "I've probably butchered
their names when I address them but they're all really sweet."
"Don't be fooled, that's how they get you." Blaine looked up at Sebastian
anxiously before realizing that his boyfriend was joking.
"Like how you tricked me into going on that first date with you?" Blaine said
wryly.
"Ah, I'd like to think that I'm much smoother than that. Besides, would you
call this a trick?" Sebastian leaned down and Blaine closed his eyes
expectantly, waiting for the kiss that was to follow.
"Sebastian, my dear!" A woman's voice startled them and Sebastian pulled away.
A tall blonde woman pulled Sebastian into a hug and kissed him on the cheek.
"My, my! You have grown even taller and more handsome since you left! Oh and
this must be Blaine!"
"Hello, it's nice to meet you." Blaine shook the woman's hand.
"Blaine, this is my Aunt Marion and this is her house." Sebastian gestured at
the woman. "She's also my Godmother."
"Oh. no no, that's not all!" Marion waved her hand. "I'm also Sebastian's
favorite aunt." She went to squeeze his cheek but Sebastian grabbed her hand,
pressing a little kiss to her fingers. "You must be Sebastian's beau?"
Blaine nodded holding out his hand but she ignored it, instead going for a very
full, very tight hug.
"Careful," warned Sebastian. "He's taken."
"And what a shame. He would go just darling with my new Prada dress." She
pulled back, arms still wrapped round a blushing Blaine. "Do you have any
brothers, my darling? Perhaps one in my age bracket."
"Absolutely not. I am not having Cooper for an uncle." Sebastian crossed
himself. He held out an arm to Marion, drawing her away from Blaine and into a
hug of his own. "Je vous ai manqué, Tante Marion," he whispered.
"Mais vous ici maintenant," she rubbed at Sebastian's shoulder, wiping at her
eyes. "Oh, every time I see you, I think of him, you know."
Sebastian seemed to shrink before them, his face drawing tight and eyes going
wide. The color fled his face and Blaine felt as if the warmth had seeped from
the room. Blaine wasn't the only one to notice.
"No, no, my darling! Do not feel bad—it is—how you say—a beautiful thing. When
I have you here, I have my boy back. My wonderful boy."
Blaine felt as if he had tried watching Downtown Abbey mid-season. The language
was divine but hell if he knew what was going on. She turned to him and laughed
softly at Blaine's expression. "My son Etienne. He and Sebastian were
inseparable as children."
"Oh, is he here to—"
"I'm afraid he passed on many years ago."
"Oh, I'm so sorry." Nothing had prepared Blaine for that response. Immediately,
Blaine felt bad for drudging up sad memories for the seemingly sweet woman
before him.
"It's quite alright. You weren't to know." She reached out taking Blaine's hand
into her own, squeezing softly. "I believe that it is my job as a relative to
embarrass Sebastian thoroughly. Would you like to see some photographs?" She
walked backwards towards the large unit to their side, Blaine's hand still
entangled with hers. "I believe I have an album or two. If we are really lucky
I might be able to find the picture where Sebastian put on my pearls, hat and
heels and demanded we call him Dame Glitterpuppy." She winked. "He gets his
sense of style and je ne sais quoi from my side of the family."
Sebastian's answering smile was tight and forced. "I'm—" Sebastian started to
say something.
"Now, now, Sebastian darling." Marion pulled Sebastian along. "Come sit with
us, you can help tell the stories too."
Sebastian and Blaine ended up seated on either side of Marion as she started
going through the photo albums, pointing out various stories behind each photo.
Etienne was a good-looking boy, with a tall physique like Sebastian and the
most piercing blue eyes. Sebastian looked incredibly happy in the photos,
grinning from ear to ear.
"Ah! I remember this one!" Marion smiled fondly as she turned to a new page. It
was a photo of Sebastian and Etienne standing together in a rose garden. Their
clothes were stained with grass stain and their hair a mess. They were both
smiling in the photo, but there was something about the smiles that seemed
different. "Boys will always be boys. Etienne and Sebastian rough housed
sometimes and then they got their clothes all messed up. What was that game you
two used to play? Something about falling?"
"It's called this is the part where you fall." Sebastian replied, it was then
that Blaine noticed that Sebastian's eyes were hard and his posture was stiff,
but Marion didn't seem to notice anything wrong as she continued.
"That was the one where you two wrestle, wasn't it? I still remember that day,
you fell into the rose bushes and we had to pull thorns out of your palms."
"That's right." Sebastian looked away before standing up from the sofa. "Aunt
Marion, I think I heard Mom calling me. I'm going to check on my parents and
catch up with everyone else."
"You do that, dear." Marion didn't even look up, she seemed engrossed in the
photo albums and continued to go through the photos even after Sebastian had
disappeared into the crowd of relatives. "Sebastian took Etienne's death very
hard. I can understand why he doesn't want to be here.
"It was hard losing Etienne, but in a way, we lost Sebastian too." Marion
sighed wistfully. "Etienne's like a brother to him, they were inseparable."
Blaine remained silent as he listened.
"Sebastian loved to play at my rose garden, he just loved roses. This was
actually the last photo I took of them together." Marion closed the photo
album. "They used to spend so much time in the rose garden."
"Sebastian loved roses?" It came as a surprise to Blaine, because he was
certain that Sebastian had told him numerous times that he hated them.
"We used to joke that he was going to be a florist one day." Marion smiled at
the memories fondly before the sound of the clock striking reminded her of the
time. "Goodness, look at the time! Well, Blaine, it's very nice meeting you,
but I need to go check on the hors d'oeuvre. I'm honestly happy to see
Sebastian smiling again. You take good care of him for me, yes?"
"Absolutely." Blaine waited until Marion disappeared into the kitchen before he
got up from the sofa. Blaine wandered through the first floor of the house,
looking for Sebastian but not finding him anywhere. Making his way down the
hallway, Blaine walked through the twin glass doors that led out to what
appeared to be a large rose garden. A movement to the side caught Blaine's
attention. Blaine's eyes widened when he realized it was Sebastian.
"So, there you are." Blaine slid his arm through the crook of Sebastian's elbow
and nuzzled up next to him. "Been looking everywhere for you."
"I needed some fresh air." Sebastian's eyes were on the roses. "Aunt Marion
didn't tell you any embarrassing stories, I hope?"
"Nope, your aunt's really sweet." Blaine reached out and touched one of the
roses. "Did she plant all these by herself?"
"I helped with some of them." Sebastian pointed at the white roses to their
left. "I did those."
"I didn't know you have a green thumb." Blaine teased. "I guess you don't hate
roses that much after all?"
"I used to like them." Sebastian was about to say more when something seemed to
have caught his eyes. He stepped forward and picked up what appeared to be a
rusted pin from the grass.
"What is it?" Blaine tried to look but Sebastian had already placed into his
pocket.
"Something I lost." Sebastian turned toward Blaine and slipped one arm around
Blaine's waist to pull him close; Sebastian's other hand moved up Blaine's side
before cupping his cheek.
"Sebastian—" The rest of Blaine's words were swallowed as Sebastian closed the
distance between them, pressing his lips gently against Blaine's before
nibbling at Blaine's lower lip slightly to demand entrance. Blaine closed his
eyes and parted his lips, his arms coming up to wrap themselves around
Sebastian's neck. This was what he had been waiting for all day, a nice,
heartfelt kiss.
"Felt like I hadn't had any time with you at all today." Sebastian said when he
finally pulled away.
"Same here." Blaine didn't have to look into the mirror to know how he must
looked at the moment. That kiss, while brief, was hot and sweet. Blaine could
still feel his heart racing against his chest. He was pretty sure that he must
appear rather debauched right now.
"It's getting cold out here." Sebastian took Blaine's hand again and led him
toward the doorway. "Let's head back in. It's almost dinner time anyway."
"Well, I—" Blaine would like to stay outside for a little longer. He had always
been partial toward roses.
"Or would you rather stay out here in the cold so that we can make out?" The
trademark smirk was back on Sebastian's face. "I'm all for giving everyone a
pre-dinner show."
"Sebastian, no!" As scandalized as Blaine felt by the suggestion, it was good
to see the Sebastian that he knew back in his element.
"Spoilt sport." Sebastian let out a sigh and rolled his eyes, but Blaine could
tell that his boyfriend was amused. "Later then."
"Maybe." Blaine returned Sebastian's smile as they walked back into the house.
Dinner with Sebastian's family and relatives turned out to be a rather informal
and easy-going affair. While the older generation sat around the table at the
main dining room, the younger generation was seated at the living room, where
they mingled with one another.
When they were finished with dinner, the gang of young adults played board
games and shared stories from their daily lives. Blaine found Sebastian's
cousins to be friendly people; and in spite of the occasional language
barriers, they seemed to genuinely like him. There was no judgment being passed
when Sebastian took Blaine's hand into his, nor were there any strange glances
or awkward silences when Sebastian slipped his arm around Blaine's waist and
pressed a kiss to his cheek. Sebastian's family accepted Blaine as one of their
own. For the first time in a long while, Blaine found himself feeling right at
home.
It was well past midnight when they finally left the gathering.
The ride back to the hotel was quiet and peaceful, but there was an underlying
tension, something that Blaine had felt since the moment in the rose garden.
Throughout the entire evening, there wasn't a time when Sebastian wasn't in
some kind of physical contact with Blaine. It was almost as though Sebastian
was afraid to let Blaine go. The tension continued until they were back in
their hotel suite. As soon as the door closed behind them, Blaine found himself
being pressed up against the door as Sebastian all but devoured his lips.
"Babe, you okay?" Sebastian was breathing heavily when they finally parted.
Sebastian could come on strong sometimes, but this was not one of those kisses.
"Yeah." Sebastian replied after a few moments. "I'm fine. I'm just—I'm fine."
Blaine got onto his tiptoes and kissed Sebastian gently. Sebastian kissed back
tentatively and wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist. "You can talk to me,
you know. Something's bothering you."
"I'm just tired, actually." The arms that were around him were gone as soon as
Blaine said those words and Sebastian stepped away from Blaine. "Maybe we
should call it a night; we've got breakfast with my parents tomorrow."
"Sebastian—"
"I'm fine." Sebastian started toward the bedroom. "Come to bed, Blaine."
There was a tone of finality to Sebastian's voice. It had been a long day after
all, and Blaine knew that they certainly wouldn't want to show up at the
breakfast late the next day. He followed Sebastian into the bedroom, changed
out of his clothes and went to bed.
Blaine awoke to the sound of pouring rain a few hours later. But it wasn't the
sound of rain that woke him up, it was the coldness he felt in the room that
woke him. He turned toward Sebastian for warmth, only to find that his side of
the bed was empty.
"Sebastian?" Blaine found Sebastian seated in one of the chairs on the balcony.
"Good grief! You're soaking wet! What are you doing out here?"
"I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep." Sebastian turned around and walked
inside, leaving a wet trail behind him. "I kind of missed the rain in Paris."
"So you decided to sit out there and get drenched?" Blaine was incredulous.
"Why not? I used to do that as kid." Sebastian shrugged. "I'll take a shower,
don't wait up for me."
"Sebas—" Sebastian had already shut the bathroom door behind him.
===============================================================================
The remainder of their stay in France went by quickly. Soon, Spring break was
over and they were back at Dalton again. With the rigorous school work and busy
schedules, they hardly had time for each other the first week. When the weekend
finally came, Blaine was on Cloud Nine. He had missed Sebastian dearly, and a
weekend at Sebastian's house with the parents away seemed full of promises.
Sebastian's bed was spacious, but Blaine preferred cuddling close to Sebastian
and he was certain that Sebastian didn't mind either. Blaine had his back
against the pillow as he tried to study, while Sebastian was half sprawled on
top of Blaine.
It was almost too quiet in the room, and Blaine found it unnerving. Typically,
it wouldn't have taken long for Sebastian to find a reason to make out, but
they had been on the bed for over an hour now and yet there had been no actions
taken. What was even more disquieting was the fact that this wasn't the first
time nothing had happened between them. While they had shared a bed together
numerous times since their return from Paris, they hadn't had sex again; even
their physical contact had been toned down. Feeling concerned and uncertain,
Blaine stole a quick look at his boyfriend.
Sebastian was staring off space.
Being lost in thoughts seemed to be something that Sebastian had been doing a
lot lately, and Blaine couldn't help but feel a bit worried. If there was one
thing Blaine was certain about Sebastian, it was that Sebastian was almost
never distant when he was around Blaine.
"Sebastian." When Sebastian didn't answer, Blaine tried again, this time with a
light nudge on the shoulder. "Hey, Earth to Sebastian Smythe!"
"Hm?" Sebastian seemed a bit surprised, it was almost as though he had
forgotten that he wasn't alone. "What?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" There were no witty comebacks, no suggestive
innuendos, just a straight-forward response that wasn't even in the form of a
reply.
"You've been preoccupied ever since France." Sebastian's reaction was subtle,
and most people would have missed it; but by now Blaine could read Sebastian's
body language almost like a book and he definitely caught the slight change in
Sebastian's demeanor. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Something's been bothering you." Blaine tried again. It was never easy to get
Sebastian to talk about his feelings, but something told Blaine that his hunch
was right this time, and that whatever it was that tugged at the back of his
mind was not something that he should simply dismiss. "Do you want to unload?"
Green eyes met Blaine's and held his gaze. When neither of them looked away,
Sebastian got up on his hands and knees and crawled forward. "Unload, you say?"
Blaine had always found Sebastian to be gorgeous and sexy, but nothing compared
to the way Sebastian looked at the moment. His hair was a little disheveled
from lying on the bed, his tie was already off as school was out for the day,
and the top few buttons of his shirt was undone. There was a quirk of a smile
on his lips as he inched forward, his long limbs carrying him with the grace of
a cat. Sebastian's hand moved its way up Blaine's thigh before stopped right at
the crotch.
Blaine drew in a sharp breath when he felt the pressure. It was hard to think
straight all of a sudden. Suddenly, all the needs and urges that Blaine had
suppressed in the past week came rushing back. Taking his reaction as
encouragement, Sebastian reached up and tugged at his belt. "Wa—wait!"
"What's the matter?" Sebastian's tongue traced a path up Blaine's throat. "I
thought you want to unload."
"But I—Oh!" Blaine tried to compose himself and clear his mind. He wanted to
talk. "Not—not like this."
The hands that were undoing his belt stilled in mid-motion. Blaine opened his
eyes and found Sebastian staring at him, his expression unreadable. Something
flickered across those green eyes but it was gone as soon as Blaine saw it.
"I see." Sebastian leaned back on his heels and started unbuttoning his own
shirt. "If you want to top—"
"No, that's not what I meant either!" Blaine's face reddened at the mentioning
of positions.
"You don't want me, is that it?" Blaine noticed Sebastian's hands trembled a
little when he said those words.
"No, I do want you. I just—" But Sebastian was already kissing him, heatedly
and passionately.
"Let's unload, and we can talk all you want later." Sebastian's lips had moved
from Blaine's lips to his throat, and whatever resolve that was left in
Blaine's mind crumbled as Sebastian slipped a hand into the front of his pants
and into the waistband of his underwear. As Sebastian removed the rest of
Blaine's clothing and started to kiss his way down Blaine's body, Blaine closed
his eyes and let the sensations took over.
===============================================================================
When Blaine woke again, it was already dark outside. Finding Sebastian's side
of the bed empty, Blaine picked up the clothes from the carpet and got dressed.
He was about to head downstairs to look for Sebastian when he noticed the doors
leading to the balcony were open.
"Sebastian?" It almost felt like Blaine was back at the hotel room in Paris
again. There was no rain this time, but somehow, Blaine couldn't help but feel
an impending sense of dread as he walked onto the balcony. "Oh my God,
Sebastian!"
Sebastian was out at the balcony, but that wasn't what alarmed Blaine. What
alerted Blaine was the fact that Sebastian was standing on the other side of
the railing, his body facing away from Blaine and the only thing keeping him
steady was the fact that Sebastian had both hands gripping onto the metal bars.
"Don't come any closer." Sebastian's voice was eerily calm.
"Wh—what are you doing?" It was clear what Sebastian was doing. For a second,
Blaine contemplated rushing forward to pull Sebastian back, but he feared that
any sudden movement might cause his boyfriend to do something rash. "Sebastian,
it's—it's not safe."
"Do you know how far we're from the ground?" Sebastian didn't seem to hear
Blaine. "I measured it. Twelve feet, Blaine. We're twelve feet from the
ground."
"Sebastian, can you please come back inside?" Blaine tried to stall for time as
he thought of a way to get closer to Sebastian without alarming him. "Whatever
it is that's bothering you, we can talk it out. Please babe, please just come
back inside."
"Studies said that close to 30% of suicides was committed by jumping or
falling. When you think about it, that's actually quite a lot."
Oh God, please don't jump. Please don't. Blaine took a tentative step forward
and paused when Sebastian started speaking again.
"Ever wonder what it's like to fall? Or just jump?" Blaine gasped when
Sebastian let go of one of his hand, letting his body leaning over the edge as
his arm stretched taut with only one hand gripping onto the railing. "Do you
know that sometimes you don't die from the impact right away?"
Before Blaine could say anything, Sebastian had swung himself around on the
railing so that he was facing Blaine while still standing on the other side,
both hands back on the metal. In this light, it was hard to see Sebastian's
face, but Blaine could see Sebastian shivering slightly in the night air.
"Sebas—" Blaine stopped mid-way when Sebastian let go of one hand again and
swung back the other way. He repeated the motion several times, alternating his
hold on the railing between his hands as he swung back and forth, the only
thing keeping him from falling was the one hand that was holding onto the metal
bar and his feet that were still precariously planted on the small narrow
ledge. Blaine tried to come closer but he didn't dare. It was clear that
Sebastian wasn't in the right state of mind.
Finally, Sebastian stopped. He had resumed his original position with his back
against the railing, facing away from Blaine and his hands gripping on the
bars. All was silent except for Sebastian's labored breathing. Then suddenly,
Sebastian heaved himself up so that he was sitting on the railing. Using this
as an opportunity, Blaine rushed forward and wrapped his arms around
Sebastian's waist before pulling him off the railing and bringing them both
onto the floor.
"What the hell were you doing?" Blaine demanded. He had half expected Sebastian
to be angry at Blaine's interference, but strangely enough, Sebastian didn't
seem bothered. Anger rose up inside of Blaine as the reality of what just
happened hit him with full force.
"I didn't jump, that's all that mattered." Sebastian sounded detached about the
entire situation, and Blaine knew that he couldn't put off the discussion
anymore.
"What's going on, Sebastian?" Blaine put his hand on Sebastian's shoulder. "You
need to talk to me. Come on!"
"Nothing's wrong." Sebastian shrugged off Blaine's hand.
"Nothing's wrong? Nothing at all?" Blaine could feel his heart still hammering
painfully in his chest. "What the hell do you call this, Sebastian?" He snapped
out an arm to the railing. "Oh, my God—you could have—" Blaine squeezed his
eyes shut and willed the image of a broken body and glassy, unseeing eyes away,
nausea rising in his throat. "Please, Sebastian, talk to me. You've been off
since Paris. You mind's always somewhere else. You—"
"Lay off, Blaine." Sebastian snapped.
"I'm not going to lay off you." Blaine gritted his teeth. "First you got
yourself drenched in ice cold rain for no reason, and then just now you were
talking about suicide and almost jumped off the balcony. You are still saying
nothing's wrong?"
"I'm breathing, I'm here, and I'm alive. Isn't that good enough?" Sebastian
narrowed his eyes in anger. Blaine would've been taken aback by this reaction
if his own mind wasn't so clouded with worries.
"You were contemplating suicide!" Blaine blurted out, feeling frustrated that
his boyfriend simply wasn't listening. "If this is about Etienne—"
Sebastian's body went rigid at the mentioning of the name.
Blaine softened his voice. "I know you two were close, your aunt told me—"
"It's not—it's not that, Blaine."
"Then talk to me!"
"Look—You were right. I was being stupid. Let's go back inside and—"
"No, stop running away from me, Seb. You're in pain. God, you think I can't see
that?" Sebastian went to side step him but Blaine was quicker. "I love you. I
want to help you."
"Will you stop being so fucking dramatic? I was fooling around okay? If I had
known you'd be so fucking dull about it, I would never—"
"Don't do that," pleaded Blaine. "We both know that's not what happened here.
What's been happening since we arrived."
Sebastian laughed, a laugh that was bitter, ugly and had never felt the warmth
of humor. "You are becoming a real bore, you know that?"
"Sebastian..."
"Honestly, it's good that you know how to move your hips or I would have been
out that door a long while back." Sebastian's lip curled. "See, this is why I
never did relationships. To avoid tedious conversations like this."
Blaine felt a heat prickle his eyes but still he did not move, still he did not
break his gaze. He held firm. "I love you," he repeated. "And you can hurt me
and try to push me away all you want but I'm going nowhere. I love you."
Sebastian blinked slowly, moisture appearing and disappearing in the motion.
"Just let it go," a plea entered his voice. "Blaine, will you do that? Will
you—"
"No," interrupted Blaine. "Talk to me about Etienne. Because I know it's about
him."
"You don't know anything!"
"Because you won't tell me!" Blaine grabbed at his hair in frustration. "You
think I don't know what it's like to lose someone? What's it like to have—"
"Jesus Christ, this isn't a Lifetime movie. I don't have to listen to this!"
Sebastian went to shove past him but Blaine grabbed his arm tightly. "Let go of
me!"
"—someone you care about leave you!" said Blaine, voice raised. "You need to
talk about this, Sebastian. You need to talk about Etienne and about how-"
"He raped me, okay? There, happy? Satisfied?" Sebastian's eyes widened as soon
as those words slipped out. He clasped a hand over his mouth in shock and ran
inside. Blaine went after Sebastian, following with his limbs like they were in
deep water while his own mind trying to process what had just happened. Blaine
found Sebastian inside the bathroom and throwing up into the toilet, his body
shaken by the retching and dry heaves.
Blaine sat down next to Sebastian and rubbed his back in a gentle circular
motion as he tried to sooth Sebastian. "You can tell me," Blaine whispered, his
heart aching for Sebastian as he felt the heat of a tear escape from his closed
lids.
It took a while for Sebastian to calm down enough to be able to breathe
regularly. Once he had, they sat in silence, Blaine's palm circling Sebastian's
back over and over as if on each completion, Blaine could give Sebastian back
his strength- give Sebastian back his strength- inch by inch. After a while,
Sebastian sat up, quickly allowing for Blaine to envelope him into an embrace,
his head tucked against Blaine's shoulder. His soul felt nothing but dull
shock, and his mouth tasted of a vile coppery taste. Blaine had never hated
before, not truly. And in that moment he had never hated anyone more than the
long dead Etienne.
"Roses," whispered Sebastian in the wet material of Blaine's shirt.
"What, baby?" He pressed a quick kiss to Sebastian's scalp and looked down into
the pale of his face. "What did you say?"
"It was during the summer of a few years ago." Sebastian laced his fingers with
Blaine's. "And there were roses …"
===============================================================================
Sebastian had known Etienne since he was seven. As a child, he idolized Etienne
and always looked forward to the summer because it meant spending time with his
favorite cousin and best friend. Etienne was five years older, but he didn't
care about the fact that Sebastian was younger. Etienne always included
Sebastian on all the games and introduced his friends to Sebastian.
It had always been fun to play with Etienne. They would play sports together,
get into trouble together, and pull all kinds of pranks on people. They would
do things that most children did at their age. Sure, Etienne could be cruel
sometimes, but he was never cruel to Sebastian. There were times when Sebastian
felt his stomach turned uncomfortably as he watched Etienne cutting open a
caterpillar or lighting a trapped butterfly on fire; but Etienne was always
kind to him. And Sebastian knew that just because he didn't always agree with
what Etienne did wouldn't necessarily meant there was anything wrong with
Etienne. After all, Etienne was charming and liked by all, even his parents
approved of Etienne and had encouraged Sebastian to be more like him.
But for Sebastian, what he liked the most about Etienne was the fact that
Etienne had always treated him like an equal, even when Sebastian came out when
he was thirteen.
"Gay, straight, everything in between, who cares?" Etienne's eyes were shades
of piercing blue. They reminded Sebastian of the arctic sky. "You're still
you."
But things became a little different after that. Sebastian didn't think much of
it initially. All the light brushes against his arm, the touches that lingered
a little longer than usual, or the way that Etienne's arm would rested a little
lower on Sebastian's waist than before; Sebastian just attributed them all to
their close friendship. After all, they were family; and it was normal to show
familial affections.
It was the summer of Sebastian's fifteenth year when it happened. And it
happened on a Sunday afternoon, an ordinary Sunday afternoon when they were
doing ordinary things and playing their favorite game.
"This is the part where you fall." Etienne declared his victory as he pinned
Sebastian down. "I won."
They were rough-housing again; it was something that they had been doing since
they were children. Sebastian enjoyed it, even though it meant getting his
clothes dirty and his hair messed up. But he didn't mind, it was fun and it was
a good way to let loose the excess energy.
"Cheater." Sebastian was breathless. The activity had left him panting for
breath. Sebastian knew he must look a mess right now and he would probably get
an earful from his parents later, but it was just so much fun. "Hey, I dropped
my pin." Sebastian gestured at the small object that was laying amongst the
bushes.
"You kept the pin I gave you?" Etienne looked surprised.
"It was my birthday present, and you did say it was collector's item."
Sebastian smiled up at his cousin. "And stop changing the topic. You cheated! I
was supposed to win."
"I didn't cheat, I won fair and square." Etienne lowered his voice. "Come to
think of it, I've won every time."
"That's because you have an unfair advantage." Sebastian argued. The feeling of
Etienne's weight on top of him was starting to get a bit stifling. "Hey, get
off, you're crushing me."
"Hm … Don't you think you should give your dear old cousin a reward for all the
past victories?" Etienne's lips were dangerously closed to Sebastian's, and
something about his tone made Sebastian uneasy.
"Very funny." Sebastian squirmed. "Come on, Etienne, I'm serious. I—"
When Etienne kissed him, Sebastian was too shocked to do anything. But when
Etienne started to kiss Sebastian's neck and unbuttoned his shirt, Sebastian
was snapped back to reality.
"Etienne, stop!" Sebastian pushed at Etienne's shoulders. "Enough! It's not
funny anymore."
"Who said I'm trying to be funny?" As Etienne continued his task at hand,
Sebastian pushed against him again. "Quit it! You'll only hurt yourself."
"Etienne, you've proven your point. You're the winner." Sebastian hoped that
this was all one big joke. "Let me up, now. I mean it."
"You still don't get it, do you?" Etienne gripped Sebastian's wrists by one
hand and pinned them down. The grip was so tight that it actually hurt, which
only made Sebastian struggle even harder as he tried to throw Etienne off.
When the blow came, Sebastian was completely unprepared. One moment he was
still struggling, the next moment there was sharp pain on the side of his face
where Etienne had hit him. There was a metallic taste in Sebastian's mouth and
he knew the blow had cut his lips. Panic took over and Sebastian started to
fight Etienne off with everything he had.
"Try this again and I will cut you." A cold found his throat and stayed there,
pressing hard against his flesh. Instinct stilled him, and Sebastian looked up
in Etienne's face, at the cold calculating way he was observing him. He knew
that the object placed against his neck was Etienne's favorite Swiss Army
knife—and he knew that he wasn't getting away unless Etienne willed it. There
was something in Etienne's eyes that made Sebastian's blood ran cold. Suddenly,
Sebastian was reminded of the few times in the past when he had seen Etienne's
darker side; moments when Etienne would smile with glee as he watched the
sunlight burnt a hole in the moth's wing as he used a magnifying glass, or
times when Etienne would break open a snail's shell and poured salt onto the
living organism, grinning as it bubbled up. "You need to stop struggling. You
know you want this. You don't need to lie to me."
"Etienne, don't." Sebastian dug his fingers into the grass below as he fought
for composure. He refused to believe that this was happening.
But Etienne paid him no heed as he proceeded to remove the rest of Sebastian's
clothes. When Etienne parted Sebastian's legs and settled between them,
Sebastian tried to shove Etienne off but almost immediately, the knife was back
at his throat.
"I'm serious, Sebastian. You're pretty, I'd hate to ruin your face." Etienne
trailed his hand up the inside of Sebastian's thigh until it stopped right at
his entrance. "Just lay back and enjoy this."
What followed were a series of acts that Sebastian wished he could wipe from
his memories forever. Everything hurt. There was nothing gentle about what
Etienne was doing. Etienne was rough and unforgiving as he took what he wanted
from Sebastian, ravaging and assaulting his body without any regards for the
pain that he was causing. Sebastian remembered turning his head away and trying
to focus his tear-filled vision on something else, anything that would take him
away from this place. He remembered the roses that surrounded them, how their
scent overwhelmed him; he remembered the white roses that were a few feet away;
and he remembered reaching out for those roses and wrapping his fingers around
the stems, allowing the thorns to pierced into his skin as he tried to distract
himself from the one pain that he really wanted to escape.
And Sebastian remembered the white petals falling from the roses, finding their
way to the ground. Broken.
Sebastian couldn't quite remembered how long the ordeal lasted, but he did
remember Etienne's parting words as he dressed himself and tried to redress
Sebastian to make him look presentable.
"You probably shouldn't tell anyone about this, Sebastian." Etienne shook his
head sadly. "You shouldn't have seduced me."
Sebastian stared at him in shock. "But I didn't—"
"God, you don't even know you are doing it, do you? That's how messed up you
are. Everyone knows about your crush." Etienne shook his head sadly. "They
laugh at you behind your back. They—" Etienne sighed heavily. "They think you
are a little slut. That you give it up for anyone."
"I've never—but – I've never—"
"I guess they were right. I mean, look what you made me do." An expression of
disgust crossed his face. "What is wrong with you? I'm your blood, Sebastian.
Do you have any idea how wrong that is? Plus, I'm straight."
Sebastian covered his mouth, wanting to retch. Over and over he shook his head
as Etienne's words drilled into him.
"—won't tell your mother or mine about this. I promise. It would kill them if
they know how filthy and sick you really are. And if you told them they'd only
think you were making up stories." Etienne paused. "Just imagine how they'd
look at you if they knew the truth, Bas. About what a disgusting little whore
you are. About how you even tried to corrupt me, too. I guess—I guess they'd
hate you." He sighed sadly. "They'd despise you."
"It's not true, it's not true—" Sebastian covered his knees and wrapped his
arms round tight. He felt as if any moment he would fall into pieces.
"We rough housed a little too hard is all. And you fell into the roses." He
reached out a hand to touch Sebastian's cheek. "You are getting too old for
playing now, don't you think? Too big." He grabbed Sebastian around the arm and
hauled him to his feet, ignoring Sebastian's flinch. "Tell me, tell me what
happened today." Fingers dug in tight and cold eyes appraised him.
"I fell—I fell into the- roses and I—I cut my—" Etienne twisted at his
shoulder. "I fell! I fell!"
"Good. Good boy. Now let's go tell your mère that, shall we?"
===============================================================================
As Sebastian's recounting of his past came to an end, Blaine realized dimly
that it was now late night. The moon was visible through the window of the
unlit bathroom, casting shadows over Sebastian's face; as if bringing his pain
to the surface.
"I'm so sorry." Blaine said again. "I didn't know."
"I never told anyone." Sebastian's voice was soft, almost neutral but Blaine
could still detect the underlying brittleness in what he said.
"But you can't let it eat at you like this. You have to talk to someone who can
help you." Blaine wrapped his arms around Sebastian and held him tight. "You
can't keep torturing yourself this way. None of it is your fault."
"Doesn't matter, nothing's going to change." Sebastian shrugged uncomfortably.
"Yes it does matter." Blaine shifted so that he was in Sebastian's line of
vision. "Sebastian, Etienne's gone; he's never going to come back and he'll
never hurt you again. You matter to me. You deserve to be happy."
"I don't even know where to start." Sebastian let out a bitter laugh. "I'm
beyond repair."
"No, you're not." Blaine pressed on. "You're not beyond repair. You're a
fighter and a survivor. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise."
"I don't understand how you can bear to be with me after all this." Sebastian
argued. "You didn't sign up for this."
"Sebastian. Babe, I want you to look at me." Blaine leaned forward and rested
his forehead against Sebastian's. "I love you, Sebastian Smythe. I love you so
much. You have a good heart, and nothing's going to change that. Not your past,
not Etienne, nothing. I want you here with me, I want to be there for you.
We'll get through this."
Sebastian was quiet as he processed Blaine's words. For a while, all that was
audible in the bathroom was the sound of their breathing. Blaine watched on
silently as Sebastian looked away for a moment as he processed Blaine's words.
When Sebastian met Blaine's gaze again, his expression had melted from cold
blankness to one of abject love. "Is that what you want?"
"I want you to not hurt anymore. And I think that talking to someone will do
that."
"I talked to you, didn't I?'
"Someone that can help you, Seb. Someone who knows what to—how to help you!"
"You help me," Sebastian's voice was cracked and tiny. He rubbed at his eyes
and sniffed harshly. "Okay. I'll try. For you."
"Everything will be fine, I'll make sure of it." Blaine promised as he held
Sebastian close. "I will always be there for you and I won't let anyone hurt
you ever again."
Blaine knew that the road ahead would be arduous and challenging, but he would
be there for Sebastian and they would do this together. It would be a difficult
journey, but the hours before dawn were always the darkest, and Blaine was
certain that with time, they would get there.
===============================================================================
EPILOGUE
Sebastian sat by the fireplace as he swirled the red wine that was in his
glass. He didn't drink wine often, but once in a while, when Sebastian was in
the mood for it, he would pour himself a glass. Tonight was one of those
nights.
It had been almost six and a half years since Sebastian told Blaine about
Etienne. True to his words, Blaine had been there for him every step of the way
as Sebastian went through counseling and therapy. Since Sebastian was already
an adult when he went to seek help, he was able to keep the event away from his
family. After all, regardless of how much he hated Etienne, he couldn't bear
the thought of his dear Aunt Marion finding out that her deceased son was a
monster.
Just as Sebastian couldn't bear the thought of telling anyone the truth behind
Etienne's death.
Sebastian had tried to avoid Etienne at all cost ever since the incident at the
rose garden. He had spent the rest of the summer at his parents' summer home,
only going to Aunt Marion's house when he knew other people would be there.
After all, as long as they were in a public place, Sebastian wouldn't need to
worry about Etienne.
But little did Sebastian know that on matter how hard he tried to avoid
Etienne, some things were simply unavoidable.
It happened during the last week of Sebastian's summer break. He had come with
his parents to Aunt Marion's house thinking that it would be another in-house
dinner. It wasn't until Sebastian had set foot in the house that he found out
the adults were planning on having a night out, and that Sebastian was there so
that Etienne could babysit him.
"I don't need a babysitter." Sebastian hoped that no one could hear the fear in
his voice. "Can't I just go back?"
"Nonsense!" Aunt Marion shook her head. "Etienne misses you. Come on now, dear,
this is your last week in France. Don't you want to spend some time with your
favorite cousin?"
In the end, Sebastian lost his case. So as soon as the adults left the house,
Sebastian locked himself inside one of the bedrooms, hoping to stay inside
until the adults came home. It was a nerve-wrecking experience as Sebastian
curled up on the bed, listening for any movements or indications that Etienne
was out in the hallway and jumping at every creak and sound from the house.
At some point, Sebastian must have fallen asleep. He wasn't sure how long he
was out, but when he woke up, Sebastian realized that he needed to use the
restroom down the hall. After much debating, Sebastian decided that as long as
he did so quietly and quickly, he wouldn't have any risk of running into
Etienne. Opening the door soundlessly, Sebastian stepped out into the hallway
and quickly ducked into the bathroom, feeling relieved that he was in the
clear.
Luck, as it would seem, was not on Sebastian's side.
"I was wondering when you're going to come out." Etienne's voice made Sebastian
jump. Sebastian had just come out of the restroom. He was only a few feet away
from the safety of the bedroom when Etienne stepped into view.
"Stay away from me." Sebastian started to back away.
"Now, now, is this how you greet your favorite cousin?" The corner of Etienne's
lips twisted up in a smile. Sebastian used to love the smile, but now it only
served to remind him of the nightmares that he had endured. "And what was it
that they say about your first? Right, you never forget your first."
"Don't touch me!" Panic started to set in. Sebastian looked around him and
found out to his horror that the doorway to the nearest bedroom was behind
Etienne.
"Come on, Bas." Etienne's voice was full of mockery. "Don't tell me you didn't
enjoy it. Isn't that every gay boy's wildest dream? Besides, you owed me. I've
always been nothing but kind to you."
Etienne was advancing on him. Sebastian's eyes darted to the doorway behind his
cousin again. If he was quick, he could try to run past Etienne into safety; if
he wasn't quick enough … Sebastian bit down on the inside of his cheek as he
tried not to think of the alternative. Realizing there wasn't anywhere else for
him to go, Sebastian made a run for it.
"I don't think so." Etienne was quicker than Sebastian expected, and he was
also bigger and stronger. Sebastian felt a pair of arms wrapping around his
middle as he tried to get past Etienne. And then that familiar voice was next
to his ear again. "We're going to have so much fun together."
"No!" Sebastian started to fight with everything he had. In this position, both
of Etienne's hands were occupied so Sebastian knew that Etienne couldn't hit
him. Sebastian just needed to free himself and get away, he just needed to
fight a little harder. But Etienne had trapped Sebastian's arms to his sides
and was attempting to minimize Sebastian's mobility by lifting him off the
ground. So Sebastian did the only thing he could, he kicked.
"You ungrateful little shit!"
There was a sharp pain on his shoulder as Etienne bit Sebastian. Instead of
deterring him, the pain made Sebastian fight even harder. The next time
Sebastian's feet was on the ground, he stomped hard onto Etienne's foot and
used the momentary distraction to slam them both against the wall. Feeling
Etienne's grip on him loosening, Sebastian tried to wring himself free from
Etienne's grasp.
"You're going to pay for this!" Etienne's face twisted in fury. This was not
the cousin that Sebastian adored; this was the monster that attacked him in the
garden. Sebastian still had ways to go before he could reach the room. His
entire being filled with dread when he felt the wooden railing behind him. He
was trapped, there was no way he could get away this time. When Etienne lunged
for him, reflex kicked in at the last minute and Sebastian twisted away.
Everything happened so quickly that Sebastian didn't even realize what happened
until seconds later.
There were two sets of labored breathing in the house. Cautiously, Sebastian
inched forward to the railing to where only a set of hands were visible.
Sebastian came closer and looked down, where his green eyes were met by a pair
of panicked iced blue eyes.
"Help me!" Etienne was losing grip on the wooden bars, his entire body was
dangling above the living room below. "Please. Help me."
It was at least a thirteen foot drop to the cold, unforgiving marble below.
Etienne let out a small cry when he almost lost hold. The face that was twisted
in a cruel smile mere moments ago was now filled with fear. "Sebastian, we can
talk about this. You're my best friend, Sebastian. Please help me up."
Sebastian got down on his knees.
"Come on, Sebastian, give me your hand." Etienne forced out a tremulous smile.
"Help me, please help me."
Tentatively, Sebastian reached out a hand, fingers almost grazing Etienne's
knuckles and time slowing as if in a dream on the break of dawn. He was so
close, his palm could feel the heat from Etienne's skin, raising up to him.
Touching him. Claiming him. Like it had before.
"Come on, what's keeping you? Oh, fuck!" Etienne's eyes widened in terror when
one of his hands lost its grip while his other hand was slipping as well.
Etienne tried to maintain his hold but it was evident that his strength was
faltering. "What are you doing, Sebastian? Give me your hand! Help me, dammit!
Don't you remember all the good times we've had together?"
The words whipped into Sebastian's skin, tearing through his flesh and into his
mind. In their wake, memories flooded his head and rendered him immobile.
"Please! Don't let me fall!"
Sebastian sat back down on his heels and placed his hands atop the one hand
that was now precariously holding onto the railing.
Sebastian stared down into his wine, swirling the contents and absently
watching the red legs swim down the inside of the glass. His mind continued to
race—He could still hear the gasp that tore out of his cousin's voice as he
fell to his death, just as he still remembered the way Aunt Marion had
collapsed into his mother's arms when she was informed of her son's death.
Etienne's death was an open and shut case. And while the family was mourning at
Etienne's funeral, Sebastian couldn't help but feel both a slight sense of
poetic justice and surprisingly, almost a sense of guilt and regret.
Sometimes Sebastian wondered if what happened between him and Etienne had set
the course for the life that Sebastian had led before he met Blaine. All the
random hookups at bars and clubs, all those times when Sebastian would let
those men fuck him as he tried to lose himself in the pain, hoping in vain that
perhaps one of those encounters would replace the marks and memories that
Etienne had branded into him.
But nothing had worked.
Not until Sebastian had told Blaine about the rape and he had gone to seek
help, with Blaine right by his side as Sebastian suffered through the darkest
hours. Sebastian turned around to take a quick look at the figure that was in
the kitchen. Blaine was an image to behold with his hair slightly damp from the
shower they had just taken together. Blaine was still wearing his bathrobe
while he put the finishing touches to their snacks; his face a look of intense
concentration as he tried to get everything just right.
Sebastian turned back toward the fireplace and set the wine glass down on the
table next to him. He walked to their bedroom quietly and opened up one of the
drawers in his dresser to locate a small wooden box, tugged away under his
sweaters and socks. Closing the drawer and making his way back to the living
room, Sebastian sat down in front of the fireplace again. He opened the box and
revealed the small pin inside.
Sebastian hadn't expected to find the pin in Aunt Marion's rose garden after
all these years, but it only seemed apt that he would find it amongst the white
roses, rusted and forgotten. Sebastian had taken the pin to the jewelers
afterwards to have it polished, and it had stayed in the box ever since. It was
the only thing Etienne had ever given him, and Sebastian could still remember
how happy he was when he first received it.
Sebastian picked up the pin and examined it. He knew the pin was a family
heirloom and worth a small fortune in the antique market; but for so long, it
also stood for Etienne and everything that he represented. Clasping the pin in
his hand, Sebastian threw it into the fire as he watched the metal lit up under
the heat.
Let it burn. Sebastian thought to himself as the metal started to melt. This
was his last tie to Etienne. No one had known about the pin, just as no one had
known about the circumstances surrounding Etienne's death. Not even Blaine.
Picking up the wine glass and walking to the balcony that was adjoined to their
living room, Sebastian looked up into the sky and gazed at the full moon above.
His mind reached back all those years ago and heard that quiet gasp once more.
It saw that look of dawning horror. It felt that quiet sense of power being
restored, felt that cold calm that had come over him. "Please, Sebastian, don't
let me fall!" It could almost see the fingers slipping from their grip on the
wooden railing, weak and needy and lost and pathetic. It saw his own hands
clasping over Etienne's, gently first before they worked to pry at those
fingers. "But Etienne, don't you understand?"It saw one finger being pried away
from its grip, followed by two, and then three. It saw his own hand letting go,
and then the light nick of an overlong nail to skin, taking for the last time
something that was only Sebastian's to give. The very last time. "This is the
part where you fall."And then they, and the man they belonged to, were cast
into the night.
"Babe?"
Sebastian blinked, shedding the memories away as Blaine's voice sounded from
the kitchen.
"I'm right here."
"You want to put in the DVD for our movie night?" Sebastian could see Blaine by
the archway that led to their kitchen. There was a soft smile on Blaine's face,
one that was full of love and adoration as he carried a large bowl of snack mix
in his hands.
"Absolutely."
Turning, Sebastian left the balcony behind in the darkness. And he left the
monsters that dwelled there, too.
(END)
End Notes
     I hope you liked this fic. In case it wasn't obvious, the first time
     Seblaine had sex was also the first time Sebastian topped. if you
     like this fic, please review and rec it. Also, I have a tumblr where
     I post my Seblaine drabbles and fan arts that are not posted on this
     site, I'd be honored if you can follow me at "rykerstrom . tumblr .
     com". Thank you.
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