Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5152343.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Kingdom_Hearts
  Relationship:
      Axel/Riku, Lea/Riku, Lea_&_Riku, Axel_&_Riku, Kairi/Sora
  Character:
      Lea_(Kingdom_Hearts), Axel_(Kingdom_Hearts), Axel/Lea_(Kingdom_Hearts),
      Riku_(Kingdom_Hearts), Sora_(Kingdom_Hearts), Kairi_(Kingdom_Hearts),
      Namine, Roxas_(Kingdom_Hearts), Saix/Isa
  Additional Tags:
      Yaoi, Mentions_of_Rape, Past_Drug_Use, Self-Medication, Past_Underage,
      Past_Abuse, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering, Foreplay, Drunken_Kissing, Drunk
      Sex, Psychologists_&_Psychiatrists, Psychological_Drama, Slurs, Fluff_and
      Angst, Angst_and_Hurt/Comfort, My_First_Fanfic, Alternate_Universe_-
      College/University, Fluff_and_Smut
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-11-05 Updated: 2016-07-12 Chapters: 12/? Words: 26844
****** The Red Book ******
by key_baes
Summary
     Unable to stop himself from staring at the name on the overdue book
     list, Riku's patience is wearing thin; what sort of person keeps the
     same book for over half a year? He was about to find out, and get
     carried into a crazy story of his own. ( Akuriku / Leaku. Some
     Akuroku (past) and Akusai (past). Sokai also in here. Sex, mentions
     of mental illness, self medication, depression and drug use.)
Notes
     This is my first ever fanfic, I've been writing it over a few months,
     so the writing in the later chapters is much better. I'd say I got
     the hang of things from around chapter 5.
     I hope you enjoy it and enjoy this ship, it's one of my favorites.
     There's no girl hate or anything in here.
     Tried to keep everyone as in character as I could, especially Riku
     with all his various issues.
     Let me know if you like it, and if you have any suggestions for other
     AUs I could do featuring these two.
     Love you guys,
     Jess
***** Introductions *****
The Radiant Garden University [RGU – Or cunningly pronounced 'Ruges' for short]
was the busiest, and largest, scholarly institution in the area; hardly coming
second was Twilight Town's local community college, 50 minutes' drive away and
considered the hipster hotspot. Not that Ruge's didn't have its own arty
atmosphere, but it was more suited to the sciences and practical multimedia
courses. The university was separated into 4 major buildings, the AC for design
and multimedia, the BA for business, the SA for sciences, and finally, the LIB.
The library was one of the more visited places on campus, despite the decline
in actual book borrowing; it was just across from the SA, separated by a large
undercover food court and seating area. Students often used the lower levels
for study, computer access and group meetings, leaving the actual books-and-
quiet-reading areas upstairs fairly empty, and making Riku's job much easier.
He was one of the more creative students, a graduate in multimedia and
currently completing his masters in digital design, but unfortunately even with
scholarships the rent in the area meant he needed a job. 
Riku was a quiet and generally aloof person around people he didn't know,
making the position of Library assistant all the more appealing to him; the
less social interaction the better. It helped he was tall; reaching books for
shorter students had become his main calling, although sometimes his appearance
made it hard to fit into the role. Shoulder length white hair, which he pulled
into a pony tail most days ["Man bun!" Namine called it] – with a fringe that
almost covered his quiet, aqua green eyes. Almost never seen wearing anything
other than his pull over muscle shirts and black Capri pants, Riku could be
intimating.
"You're not very approachable" Namine, the blonde, blue eyed clerk had worried
when Kairi dragged him in for an interview. Well, as much as asking your best
friends cousin for a job could be called an interview.
"It's yours guns" Kairi had sighed, poking his arms.
"Not my fault" Riku had mumbled back, eventually convincing Namine that it
would be ok if he just wore a university hoodie everywhere to hide them. Not
how he would usually dress, but he supposed he shouldn't be worrying about
appearances in a place like a library. 
Since he'd started working there, most of his free time was spent on the job;
the quiet dusty halls soon becoming more of a home to Riku than his own
apartment. He figured it was good for him, keeping him "out of trouble" as
Kairi had put it.
"Sora is worried" She had said after he'd applied, crossing her arms and
peering up at Riku from behind her red-brown bangs.
"Sora's always worried about me" Riku had replied, rolling his eyes at his best
friends concerns. It had been a whole year since then, and it seemed to Riku
that whether he was working or partying his friends would worry anyway. 
So, aside from the dull throb of boredom that came with the job, the last 8
months had been very uneventful for Riku; even the heightened challenge of his
coursework wasn't doing much to trouble him. In fact, the only thing really
nagging at him right now, was, well,
"They still haven't returned my fucking book!" Riku exclaimed, staring at the
name and 8 week over due date on the screen. He heard Namine giggle behind him.
'It's not your book, Riku. Besides, why are you so worried about some old
psychologist's personal diary anyway?" She walked over from the counter and
stared at the screen with him.
"It's not just some personal diary!" Riku said, exasperated, flicking his hair
out of his eyes, "Its Ansem the Wise's Red Book! It's cool, you know? It's what
you get when you mix madness with genius and let them write about it for 5
years" Riku glanced at Namine's face. She was giggling again. The Red book was
essentially a diary written by one of the top psychology masters during a
depressed period of his life. He had taken drugs, experimented with sleep, and
among other things been completely mad while writing it. It was supposed to be
an incredibly insightful look into human nature, and Riku wanted it.
'I'll take your word for it" Namine smiled. "Oh, this Lea character is going to
be in trouble when you catch her, though" She added, raising her eyebrow to the
name on the screen.
Riku scowled, glancing back at the name. Lea. R borrowed the book over a 2
months ago and still hadn't returned it, sitting on a $500 fine for holding the
only copy of the now very overdue book. Riku had been trying to imagine what
such a book hog would be like; probably a first year psychology student, the
type that sat in the food court drinking coffee half the day, chatting with her
friends about all the people she was going to help once she had her degree.
Riku frowned deeper. Ok, maybe he was a little bit bitter; he'd been on the
waiting list for The Red Book since the beginning of the year, and it was
almost September now, his patience was running out.
"Riiiiikuuuu" Namine was staring at him. "You're doing that angry stare thing
again."
"Sorry, yea, I guess. What did you ask?"
"Are you sure you're ok to work here over the mid semester break? I could get
Pence in"
"Yea, I already said it was fine" replied Riku, leaning against the counter.
"Besides, you hardy drop shifts, and Kairi is super excited to have a girl's
week from what Sora tells me." Not to mention, Riku thought, the book hog might
try and sneak in over the break to return it. Riku was hoping he'd be able
catch them in the act and give them a mouthful about return times and the fines
associated with it.
Namine smiled "Ok, well, I guess I'll see you in a bit over a week" She said,
picking up her bag. "Oh, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to leave my art
stuff here, I have no room in the dorm right now" She motioned to the pile of
sketch books behind her.
"It's fine, I'll protect them for you" Riku said with a laugh, "Have a safe
trip, OK?" He motioned for Namine to come closer and gave her a goodbye hug.
She patted him on the head and pulled away, blushing.
"You know, one of these days you're going to break a girls heart with your
random displays of affection"
"Probably already have." Riku said, raising a guilty eyebrow. It wasn't his
problem if the fact he was gay didn't come across in his dress or mannerisms.
It wasn't like he openly hit on women, either.
'You be safe too, the Library can be creepy when you're alone" She said,
walking towards the staircase that lead to the ground floor.
"I'll karate chop the ghosts away" Riku laughed back, watching as Namine waved
goodbye. He sighed and went about putting the last of the returned books back
on the shelf.
No one came in for the rest of the night, so Riku ended up leaving early,
waving goodbye to the cute night guard and making his way back to the apartment
he shared with Sora. He had known his best friend since, well, before he could
remember. They had been neighbors, and naturally in the small coastal community
he grew up in, they had become friends. He'd be lying to himself if he said
he'd never had a crush on the blue-eyed, mousy brown haired kid.
But even so, Riku was past it now, seeing him more like a mildly over
protective younger brother than anything else. Sora had been there to see Riku
go through a part of his life he didn't like to dwell on, and since then had
taken it upon himself to keep Riku on the, well, not so straight and narrow
[Riku chuckled at his own musings], but the right path.
As he walked up to the apartment entrance he noticed Kairi's car parked a
little down the street. He wondered if he should wait out walking in, in fear
of interrupting anything he'd rather not see; but just as he made to text his
friend out of caution, Kairi came strutting out. Wearing jeans and a crop top,
her red hair swishing in its ponytail and her bright blue eyes full of
determination. He wondered how she hadn't frozen yet in the cool night air. She
was balancing two bags under her arms and had Sora's camera hanging from her
mouth by the band.
"Need a hand?" Riku called out, pacing up to his other childhood friend. Kairi
glanced up, a smile coming over her face as she re positioned her belongings.
"thoughtidmakeittothecarbut-" She was speaking so quickly and with half a mouth
of leather that Riku had to take a moment to figure out what she was saying.
'You told Sora it was fine and now you regret it?" He asked, taking the large
bag from under her arm.
"Pretty much!" She sighed, tilting her head in defeat, putting the camera down.
"Thanks" She smiled suddenly, motioning to her car. The two of them walked as
she spoke.
"Did you see Namine at work?"
"Yea, she seemed excited"
"Good, cool, I'm gonna go get her as soon as we get these in my car." She shook
her bag for emphasis. "Just said goodbye to Sora" She added, smiling, as if
she'd read Riku's mind. Growing up with the same friend group and keeping them
through university meant the trio could easily finish each other's sentences.
They were lucky, Riku often thought, that Kairi and Sora's dating hadn't broken
them up, mostly likely due to the fact Riku wasn't competing with Sora; at
least not in a way that would ever actually lead to anything.
"You drive carefully, ok? The roads aren't great at this time of year,
especially not towards home" Riku said, glancing at the sporty black coupe
Kairi lovingly named Mickey.
Kairi rolled her eyes as she opened up the boot and threw the bags in, Riku
followed suit. "Yes mum, I'll be careful!"
"Better be, Sora will die from heartbreak if you get hurt"
"Yea, I know" Kairi dropped the sarcasm and nodded in agreement, "Hug goodbye?"
She pouted and opened her arms in welcome.
"Nah I don't hug girls" Riku teased, pulling her to him and hoping she would
actually listen to his advice. He felt her sigh as he let go.
"You give the best hugs"
"You sound like Namine, accusing me of breaking girls hearts"
"A serial hugger, you are, those big arms of yours just lure us in"
"Wish they'd lure in some cute guys…"
"Maybe if you actually looked for commitment rather than sex, you'd find some"
Riku blinked at that, he hadn't expected, or wanted dating advice; or a
reminder of his freshman years.
To say he had had a drinking problem was to put it lightly, using the alcohol
and sex to cover up whatever empty feeling had been growing inside of his
since, well, since the events of his teens. After one night in the hospital
from alcohol poisoning, Sora had forced him to see a psychiatrist. Self
medicating they had said, and Riku had gone cold turkey off the drinks, and
along with it the sex. Not that he felt much better, the growing feeling of
emptiness still filled him from time to time; and yet the thought of an actual
relationship terrified him more than anything else. The idea of sharing himself
with someone, letting them know the "real" Riku wasn't something he wanted, at
all. Riku sighed at Kairi.
"Hey, it's been like one year since my last one night stand. I've been good"
Riku pouted.
"Well, just saying" Kairi looked him up and down. "Hands off Sora" She winked
finally, hopping into the car with as certain kind of grace only she had.
"No hugs for him to fill the void you'll leave?" Riku smirked.
"None!" Kairi shouted over the engine, waving as she pulled away, leaving Riku
feeling more anxious than anything.
She'd just had to mention Sora.
***** Call to Adventure *****
Chapter Summary
     Riku meets Lea and our story is underway.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The weekend went by slowly, too slowly for Riku's liking. Riku was doing his
best to make sure Sora didn't call Kairi twice a day; Sora was the sort of
person that cared a lot for the people close to him, almost too much. From his
family to his friends, and that especially meant Kairi and Riku. Riku had to
admit that it was why he liked Sora as much as he did, his positive look on
life and kind personality never failed to cheer him up. Although, at times like
this, it could be annoying.
It came to the point on Sunday night that Sora was staring so intently at his
phone that he wasn't paying attention to the movie Riku had put on at all.
"Sora"
"Hmm?"
"She's out with Namine, she's fine"
Sora looked up, releasing the movie was paused and sighed. "Sorry, I just
worry."
"I know." Riku smiled at his friend, "Maybe we should talk about something
else, to get your mind off it?
"Hmmm" He was looking at his phone again.
"How's your life been? Uni? I hardly see you now I've got the job. How's your
family been?" Riku listed off as much as he could in hopes Sora would latch
onto a topic.
"Rox still hasn't figured out what he wants to do"
Riku scrunched his face at the mention of Sora's younger brother. Roxas was
more than a little eccentric, and someone Riku had never got along well with.
He was the polar opposite to Sora; blonde hair, with a permanent scowl on his
face, and not to mention had more issues then Riku himself.
"Oh yea, so the uni won't let him back in?"
"Not after what happened." Sora pouted, his phone was finally forgotten as he
thought about the events of the year before. "And that asshole still has his
job."
'That asshole' was the fabled psychologist that had told the unit conveyor
Roxas was skipping out on his medication. Riku still didn't know the whole
story behind what had happened; but the summary he had heard was Roxas had
confided in one of the university psychologists, subsequently gotten into a
fight with them, causing them to reveal to the university that Roxas had
purposefully avoiding taking his medication. For attacking a factually member
and endangering students, Roxas had been suspended.
Riku would never admit it to Sora; but if he had found out a bi polar kid with
serious anger issues, and a history of violence was running around campus
without his meds, he would've dobbed him in to.
"He'll figure something out, he's a smart kid, past all the other issues"
"I really hope so, he's been really sad lately, depressed when I saw him over
Christmas. It just sucks that he'd lose the scholarship over It."
"He did attack the guy"
"Or that's what they say" Sora's pout had turned into a frown.
"Sora. This is Roxas. I know I might be bias considering, but your brother can
be pretty terrifying" Riku had been on the receiving end of Roxas' fist in high
school; at the time, Riku had been involved with people that he hated to admit,
and when Roxas had found out, he'd beat him for endangering Sora. The whole
event had left the two of them on non-speaking terms; and Riku hadn't bothered
to fix it.
"Look, I know, I just wish things had gone differently. That psychologist was
meant to be his friend." Sora sighed.
"Then why hit them?"
"I… It's complicated, don't worry about it." Sora shifted in his seat.
"Look, Sora, things will work out with him. I mean, look at me. I'm good now,
and I was in just as bad a place not long ago" Riku smiled "And just like me,
Roxas has you there to make sure he's ok; your support the best medicine anyone
could get"
"Man, Riku" Sora laughed, glancing back and blushing "I guess you're right,
though! You've been doing way better."
"Yea, got a job, got a degree, doing my masters" he flicked the points off on
his fingers.
"Not going out every night, not coming home hungover midday, not sleeping arou-
"
This again. Why was everyone bringing it up lately? Where Sora and Kairi trying
to set him up? Riku felt a twang of annoyance.
"Hey, hey. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing" Riku said, raising an eyebrow.
"I – well you weren't around the nicest people. That's all I meant" Sora
blushed again.
"I'll be sure to consult my dating advisor next time I find a guy in a bar"
Riku grinned. "Maybe I'll take some pictures and give you his family history."
"Oh come on!" Sora threw a pillow at him. "I get it, I get it! Just make sure
they're not a drug dealer or something." Riku rolled his eyes, but he was
happy, Sora wasn't moping at his phone any longer, even if it meant having to
listen to him worry about Riku's poor life choices.
The rest of the night went faster, Sora falling asleep on the couch clutching
his phone. He was cute, curled up next to Riku by the light of the television;
but somehow the sight made Riku feel more lonely than before. All the talk of
boyfriends and one night stands had left him with an itch. The temptation to
leave for the bar came over him, what would it hurt? Riku bit at his lip as he
glanced at Sora again. No. He couldn't do it, besides, Riku had to work the
next day.
===============================================================================
 
He had set himself up for a boring week, the break meant only the most studious
would be visiting the library, and that would mainly be the lower study levels.
The only thing Riku had to look forward to was Lea, the book hog, who he was
mentally preparing to berate if he had the chance to meet them; unfortunately
it seemed as though they intended to keep the book for yet another week,
because it came to Friday and Riku had had so little to do that he had already
finished his break homework, plus the next week's readings.
"And I could've been reading it this whole time, to, if somebody wasn't such a
selfish fuckwit" Riku mumbled under his breath as he glanced at the overdue
list again. He had looked at it so often that week that the name and initials
had been burned into his head. He'd probably have it memorized until he was an
old man.
Lea Lea Lea Lea Lea
"Sitting on my death bed cursing a book hog" Riku laughed at himself, going
back to his laptop and working on his article again. He was so immersed in what
he was reading, that the sound of the counter bell made him jump a little in
his seat.
What the –
Riku had spun around in his chair to see what idiot would ring the bell when
there was clearly no one else around. He had stopped himself from saying
something sarcastic, however, when he saw the person standing there.
The guy was tall, taller than Riku for sure, with red hair pushed back and
spiked slightly, coming just to his shoulders. He was wearing a white shirt
patterned with small blue dots, and over it a leather jacket that came to his
waist. Riku could see his pecs outlined against his shirt; and the width of his
hips. He wished he could see more from where he was, but he figured getting up
and checking out the guys ass would be a bit to forward, and besides, now he
was looking at his face.
Adorned with an expression Riku could only describe as curious, the man was
incredibly handsome. His eyes were a bright green, with a bluish hue not unlike
Riku's own teal, framed by a thick layer of mascara and eye liner. Riku had
seen plenty of guys with nice make up, but he had to admit the wings this guy
had drawn on where above average. His nose was thin and long, but petite at the
same time. He was.. cute. 
Please be gay-please be gay-please be gay, Riku found himself hoping, also
hoping that his awkwardness wouldn't kick in right when he needed his witty,
confident self to be out. Pretend you're at a bar, he thought, wishing that he
had taken off his jumper so he could show off his arms.
"Must be urgent if you're ringing the bell" Riku quipped, letting himself smirk
a bit at the red head as he stepped over to the counter. Be cute, he thought,
be cute and charming and also kind of sexy.
The red head smirked back at Riku, laughing a bit as he did and pulling a book
from his bag "Ahh, well, I think this stopped being urgent a while ago, now
it's just come to the point if I don't bring it back I'll probably get arrested
by the book police or somthin'"
Riku knew his expression was probably one of complete disbelief, because the
book the red head was waving in front of him was his book. The red book. It was
the fucking book! Completely forgetting that he wanted to flirt with the man in
front of him, instead the frustration from the past week caused him to open his
mouth.
"You're Lea" It was a statement, not a question. He felt his eyebrow twitch as
he forced himself not to grab the book. "You must really like psychology if
you're willing to risk a two hundred dollar fine for it." Oh this was bad, Riku
could hear his own voice fill with contempt at every word he spoke.
"I – yea, I'm a Psych major. I guess you guys must've been waiting out for this
book if you know my name and everything. Do I get a wanted poster?" He smiled
at his own joke as he glanced comically around the room.
"No. I know your name because I'm the next person on the waiting list for it"
Riku replied bluntly.
"Oh!" Lea suddenly looked excited, apparently either ignoring Riku's clear
annoyance or just the sort of person to take adversary in his stride "You like
Ansem's stuff to? I'm sorry I kept it so long – I like being able to make notes
on everything and because I'm doing a phd in psych – different psych to this- I
haven't had time and I just figured it would be ok; I mean I'm sorry I kept it
from you" He held out the book to Riku with a guilty look on his face, but Riku
was so bewildered by the sudden talkative outburst that his simply stared at
Lea and the book instead. Realizing Riku wasn't taking it, Lea placed it down
and held out his hand.
"Lea, I mean you know that but I thought I'd introduce myself." Riku took a
breath to steady himself and pondered what to do next. Ah. Finally his brain
seemed to be working again. Why not? Riku wondered. After a week of sitting
alone in the library, that feeling that had been building since the weekend was
driving him mad. Besides, this was different to meeting a guy in the bar, he
was actually sober.
"Riku" He replied, not shaking Lea's hand but instead taking the book and
moving to the computer to process it. Lea look dejected, but picked up quickly.
"So the fine-"
"Here's the deal" Riku cut him off, leaning forward over the counter and
looking Lea in the eye. "If you take me out tonight, I'll pretend you had a
medical note to excuse the late return and waiver the fine" Riku was more than
a little proud of himself as he watched the taller man's expression go from
shocked, to confused, only to settle on a smile accompanied by a raised
eyebrow.
"I- wait, how did you know I'm gay? And single?" he looked Riku up and down and
pouted "Did Ollie set this up?"
"I don't know any Ollie's, so it looks like I just got lucky" He let himself
obviously check Lea out the way he had just done to him, finally able to see
the rest of Lea's outfit properly. He was wearing skinny jeans with his shirt
and jacket combo, with a saddle bad hoisted off one shoulder. His legs were
clearly as toned as the rest of his body, perhaps a swimmer or sprinter from
what Riku could tell.
He looked back up and met Lea's eye "I'm cheaper then your book fine" he said
as he started filling in the waiver on the system. He knew he had him from the
smile playing on Lea's lips.
"Ok" Lea sighed, hesitant "I don't usually just go out with guys I don't know,
I mean I don't even know what we have in common or what we'd talk about or
anything" He scratched at the back of his hair, and then added "Or your age"
Riku peered up at him from over the computer screen. "We could talk about this"
He held up the book and continued "I'm pretty interested in what a phd student
majoring in psych thinks about it".
"I guess…" Lea raised an eyebrow, still looking unsure of himself.
"I'm 21, by the way. If you're a phd student, you must be at least 25 by now,
yea?" Riku was tempted to ask why Lea would need to know his age, but decided
against it.
Lea let out a sigh when Riku told him, a small smile playing on his lips again
"I'm 24, good guess though." He glanced at Riku as he finished processing the
book. "So when do you finish work here? Must be soon. I could hang around and
keep you company if you want"
Riku could feel a strange heat building up in his stomach, it was clear Lea
wasn't Riku's typical one night stand. Usually used to getting drunk until he
could overcome his stoic demeanor, right now he was somehow keeping it
together.
"Want to get to know me?" Riku asked Lea, waiting for a reaction.
"Well, yea, I'm being blackmailed into this date, and to be honest while you
are pretty hot-" Lea paused for emphasis and motioned to Riku's face with a
smile "I'm not the one night stand type of guy" he shook his head slowly.
Riku pouted slightly, Kairi's words seemed to echo back at him. "Maybe if you
looked for commitment" – but in some guy who'd been late to return a library
book? – The same one he'd been waiting on for a year, that is. Maybe it was a
sign, maybe this odd fluke that he'd had been unwittingly waiting for Lea was
some kind of message. Not that Riku was that much of a sap.
"I finish in two hours, if you're really ok with hanging out. I was planning on
just getting your number to start, but, well the library can be kinda creepy
when you're alone" Riku shrugged.
"This is weird, but I'm kinda looking forward to it" Lea grinned. Without
asking, he walked around the counter so that he and Riku were no longer
separated. Swinging his bag down, he glanced at the artwork Namine had left
behind.
"Nice sketches"
"Namine, the manager, she's an art major" Riku had finished ringing up the
book, so he pushed his chair out and pointed Lea to the other behind him. "On
holiday for the break right now" he added while he slid the book into his own
backpack. Obtaining it somehow didn't have the same rush as he had imagine, in
fact, he was more interested in getting to know Lea.
As the next two hours went by, he and Lea talked about their majors. Lea, a
psychology student who'd been working towards being a clinical psychologist,
only to switch into research during the last year; while Riku reflected on how
much he'd struggled to find a major he enjoyed. Riku was continuously surprised
by how easy he was finding it to talk to Lea, although he was clearly flirting
half the time – especially after Riku casually removed his jumper – the redhead
was charming Riku beyond his good looks. By the time Riku's shift was up, Lea
seemed to be less reserved than he was before; the shock of having a random guy
ask him out didn't seem to bother him nearly as much as Riku has guessed it
would.
"First, you're gonna have a drink with me" Lea said as he strutted next to Riku
while they walked to the station. "I know a good place" He added.
Riku gulped back nerves, he'd have to just limit himself. Besides, he wasn't
there to get drunk, all he really wanted was the sex, right? At least that was
what he'd thought back in the library, but somehow talking with Lea had filled
his empty feeling with one he couldn't quite describe.
Don't go falling in love, Riku thought jokingly as they boarded the train to
the the city center.
Chapter End Notes
     I like character build up, so sorry for all the talking! I promise
     it'll get more interesting in the next few chapters.
***** A Tiki Bar? *****
Twilight street, the local bar and club area, was busy that night. As Lea lead
Riku to his "favourite spot", sounds of beeping taxis and yelling already-tipsy
students filled the night air. The area was aglow with neon signs and street
lamps, they reflected off Lea's bright red hair, making it seem to change to
hues of yellow and purple as they walked. Riku had decided that it was ironic
the best looking guy he'd ever gone home with [at least from his mostly half-
drunk memories] would be a guy he met at the library. Sora would at least find
it funny; if he told him about it at all.
After leaving the library for the night Lea had conceded to sleeping with him,
as long as he got to have a decent date beforehand. No getting past tipsy and
no drugs; Riku found the young psychologists clearly conflicted morals amusing.
While Riku wasn't great at small talk, he was good in bed, and liked physical
contact more than he did awkward conversations, at least usually. However
despite his fear that he'd eventually be hit with that usual brick wall, he and
Lea were still talking casually. He wondered if Lea's formal counselling
training helped him break down those barriers without Riku realizing.
They had talked about Lea's family life with a twin brother and single Mum,
growing up in the inner city, while Riku reflected on it with his own memories
of rural coastal living and being a single child; and despite their near
opposite upbringing, he and Lea got along.
It helped too that Riku was lusting badly over Lea. He had taken his jacket off
on the train ride there, and Riku couldn't help but stare. Those broad
shoulders and narrow waist made him want to desperately strip the redhead; a
year of abstinence had made Riku easily flustered now he was presented with a
guy. Unfortunately Lea had been keeping a healthy space between them, so Riku
couldn't even try for a casual around the waist grope.
"This is it!" Lea suddenly announced, spinning on the spot in front of one of
the bar and motioning to the door. Riku smiled, Lea seemed fairly excited to
show him around, and Riku wasn't used to the personal treatment he was getting.
"A tiki bar?" Riku asked, examining through the door. It was of a tropical
theme alright, and looked like it had a live band playing.
"Yup! Fine with us too, but not exclusive so you don't get much random's trying
for a threesome." Riku took a moment to realise Lea meant "gays" when he said
"us".
"Being me, I usually only go places I'm sure I can find a date"
"Well, you've already got a date, so now you can go somewhere that isn't ultra-
tacky "
"…It's a Tiki bar, Lea"
"A good one! Come on!"
Lea lead Riku inside by the hand, making Riku's heart flutter slightly at the
first physical contact they'd had all night. The bar was busy with students and
business people knocking back rounds after work; from the entrance the place
opened out into a large area, on the right was the long bar, decorated with
tropical themed decorations and bright yellow lighting. To the left corner was
the band, playing what sounded like covers of old 80s rock music; while around
it spread seating; leading to an outside balcony area. Behind the bar Riku
could see stairs leading upwards, and signs for toilets. He made a mental note
in case Lea failed to stop him from drinking too much.
"Ok, it is pretty nice" Riku shouted over the band.
Lea smiled, raising an eyebrow and cocking his head towards two empty bars
stools, letting go of Riku's hand and instead throwing an arm around his
shoulder. Riku was thrown by Lea's sudden willingness to show affection,
feeling his arm rub up against Lea's side as he practically lent against him.
Riku could feel a heat coming over him, and thanked himself for choosing to
wear loose Capri pants that day.
"Thought you said no getting drunk?"
'Haha, yea, well, I still wanna drink" Lea smirked as he pulled Riku to the
seats.
As they sat, Lea's arm stayed around Riku, the seats pulled closely together so
their thighs touched. Riku wondered if Lea secretly wanted to drive him insane,
although he admitted it was more likely he just wasn't used to the flirting, in
fact he couldn't remember much from his past booze-influenced encounters with
guys. The flirtatious nature of his current date was actually nice.
'What do ya want?"
"Something incredibly gay" Riku responded, deciding that if he wasn't going to
get drunk he might as well get something that tasted nice.
Lea snorted, trying to hold back giggles as he hid his mouth behind his free
hand, and then motioning to the bartender, a brown haired girl with her hair in
twin braids.
"Two incredibly gay frozen margaritas please Ollie" he smirked as she walked
over.
"O-LETTE, Lea" the girl responded, pouting and then smiling at Riku. "Well
well, finally decided to stop moping about you know who?"
Lea rolled his eyes "No, I've been blackmailed into sleeping with him, believe
it or not"
Olette giggled, "Sure you have. I'll get you those incredibly gay drinks" she
strutted off, still laughing at the joke. Riku watched her go, before turning
to his still smirking date.
"You're a regular"
"Heh, yea, well." Lea's eyes peered upwards, "I do live up there"
Riku stared, following his gaze and then remembering the stairs he'd seen
earlier.
"Are you serious?" Riku had no idea how to feel about the fact Lea's favorite
bar also happened to be below his apartment; Realizing Lea had slyly already
gotten him into his 'home' without Riku noticing. No wonder he'd become so
flirty so quickly.
'I know, I know, why am I living above a bar? Pretty bad spot with the noise
and people, right?" Lea continued, seeing Riku's unimpressed expression and
smirking "I used to work here, and they offered me the place, and when I was
younger I'd let my boyfriend stay here with me, just kinda got attached" He
shrugged. Riku noted the mention of a boyfriend and jumped on it as a chance to
tease Lea. He felt like he'd been tricked, and didn't like it.
"Boyfriend, huh? Sounds like you've gone through a break up from what the girl
said." Riku watched Lea for a reaction, the red head sighed, shrugging slightly
as if he regretted bringing it up. Riku pushed further "Am I the lucky
rebound?"
"No, already did that, that's who she was talking about" Lea pouted, tapping
his fingers on Riku's shoulder. "The guy that lived with me was my old, long
term relationship. We'd been together since high school, until he decided to
leave me 3 years ago."
"Huh" Riku blinked, looking and Lea's pout "You like relationships more than
this sort of thing, don't you? You like to talk to people and get to know them"
Lea glanced up at Riku and smiled.
"Thought I was the pysch here, what are you doing, analysing me?" His hand
suddenly moved down to Riku's waist, he pulled him closer, Riku's thigh almost
moving on top of Lea's. Their faces were so close that Riku could have kissed
him. "I've already decided I'm going to try to make this more than what you
think it is" He whispered it, locking his bright green eyes with Riku's,
he could feel Lea's other hand move up his thigh, his body grew warmer as he
shivered at Lea's touch. Riku breathed out, gulping back his nerves. 
"Give it a go" He hissed back, feeling as if he'd just issued a challenge. The
realisation that Lea wanted something more both frightened and excited him more
than he wanted to admit. This wasn't just a one night stand for him.
"And just what do you two think you're doing?!" Lea blinked, smiling at Riku
with a wink and pulling away from him to face Olette, who was standing there
with their drinks, holding an expression of both amusement and disapproval.
"No-"
"-shilly shallying at the bar, I know, I know" Lea rolled his eyes.
"Thank-you-very-much" Olette said, handing Riku the frozen drink. "Why not just
go up to yours if you wanna do that" She asked, winking at Lea.
'Because someone also made up the 'no drinks upstairs' rule" He responded,
waving his own in front of her. "And I wanna at least get tipsy" he frowned.
"Hmmhmmm, I thought you didn't like drunk fucks" Riku couldn't help but let out
a small laugh at that, especially when he saw Lea's unimpressed face.
"I said tipsy! Now get outta here you awful woman" He acted upset, but he was
laughing as he pretended to shoo Olette away, who stuck out her tongue and
twirled as she left.
"Have fuuuun!"
Lea shook his head, ruffling the back of his spikes as he did. "What a tease"
he rolled his eyes towards her back before leaning his arm on the bar and
gazing at Riku. "My turn to analyse you, after ya just had to bring up the
boyfriends" He smiled as he met Riku's eye. "Give it a go you said, yea?"
Riku just raised an eyebrow and shrugged, feeling his face heat up under the
redhead's gaze. He took a gulp of his drink. It was lemony and sweet, but he
knew the vodka was there. Hurry up, he thought. It was getting harder for him
to keep up his confident act with Lea's advances getting more obvious by the
minute. 
"You've got some sort of history sleeping around, yea? And you avoided talking
about high school before on the train, so maybe there's a reason behind it" Lea
watched Riku as he sucked up his own drink through the straw, flamboyantly
raising an eyebrow as he waited for a response.
"I do." Riku replied slowly, wondering how much to tell him. "My undergrad
years are half a blur; I drank a lot." He paused, before Lea interjected with a
tone Riku recognised from 3 years of therapy.
"Self-medicating?"
"You are good" Riku nodded "Am I that much of an open book?"
"Well you're not as confident as you make out to be, or at least you seem to
have anxiety." Lea didn't quite meet Riku's eye, instead glanced at his drink
"And the way you hold the drink and gulp it." He paused, glancing up at Riku.
"Pretty much" Riku said, shrugging. "Although I am rehabbed. I'm fine. I just,
like you said, can find it hard to make small talk" Lea gazed at him.
"Why'd you ask me out tonight?" Lea asked suddenly. Riku gazed back; getting
the distinct feeling he was being assessed. Not that it was a bad question. Why
HAD he jumped on Lea? He thought back on the past few days. Kairi's comment,
being alone with Sora, sitting in the Library by himself…
"I-"Riku blinked. "I guess I'm kinda sick of being alone; and you showed up at
the right moment" He wished that hadn't sounded so corny. Lea was sipping on
his straw, his gaze had softened compared to the analytical stare from before.
Lea sighed "Sorry for all the questions, but, well, last year I made the
mistake of dating someone who I really, really shouldn't have." He took his
straw out and gulped down his drink, mimicking Riku. "Also why I asked about
the age thing earlier" He added, frowning.
"Oh boy, this sounds like a great story" Riku joked. He pulled himself forward
and leaned against the bar to, so he and Lea were closer. He could see the
other man's freckles in the yellow lighting, and feel the small buzz of the
vodka working in his blood. "You don't have to tell me anything. At least not
tonight. This stuffs better for a lunch date" He knew what he was implying as
he said it, watching as a small smile grew on Lea's face. He was cute when he
smiled.
"A lunch date, huh?" Lea muttered, looking Riku up and down, "Buy ya another
round?"
Riku's heart beat a little faster as he nodded in reply.
***** Into the Fire *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The way up to Lea's apartment was by the staircase behind the bar, it lead up
to a second floor corridor with toilets and a break room for staff, the
concrete walls surprisingly dimming the noise from below considerably.
From there Lea lead Riku up a second, narrower staircase; at the top was a
wooden door that stood out against the rest of the renovated building. Riku
could feel the vodka from before still working on him, his tolerance for
alcohol significantly lowered after a year of avoidance.
"Shoes off here" Lea murmured, he seemed nervous, or at least quiet compared to
before. Riku obliged; the two of them silent as they tossed off their shoes.
Riku couldn't help but wonder if Lea was regretting agreeing to this night.
Lea unlocked the door, it swung inwards to reveal a small, dimly lit kitchen,
light from the street outside flittering in from behind the blinds.
Riku glanced at Lea's back as he followed him inside, wondering if he would
have to lead, as so far Lea's actions had been inconsistent, from flirty, to
reserved, to regretful; either way, Riku was still hot from Lea's random touch
before in the bar, and despite the awkward conversation, Riku hadn't calmed
down. He bit his lip as he let the door shut behind him.
Lea gazed back at him, his hair picked up the pink hues from the neon light
flitting through the window, and his green eyes seemed to glow against the dark
of the rest of the apartment; Riku could feel his heart rate climbing as he
locked eyes with him.
Before he could say anything or make his own move, Lea reached out and pulled
him to him by the hem of his pants, the elastic pulled at Riku's waist as he
let himself be motioned into the kiss, his arms winding around Lea's shoulders
and into his hair. He could smell coconut from hair gel, it's stickiness
gelling Riku's fingers as he pulled at Lea's spikes; motioning his head down
and their mouths together more tightly.
Lea's hands moved up Riku's shirt and the small of his back, tracing their way
up his spine as his top lifted to reveal his stomach. Riku felt his breath
quicken as their kiss separated, tongues pulling at each other before they
pushed their mouths back together, wet and hot.
Riku let his hands slide down Lea's neck to the top button of his shirt,
fumbling as they swayed on the spot, Lea pulling Riku closer as they
practically lent on each other. As the buttons undone and their kisses got
faster and more wanting, Lea pulled away with a slight gasp.
"Bed"
Riku hummed into the crook of Lea's neck in agreement, the two of them panting
as they regained breath. Riku was surprised; Lea was proving that despite his
distaste for one night stands, he still wanted Riku as badly as Riku wanted
him.
As they paused, he pushed back Lea's shirt, letting it fall to the floor,
taking in his slim but athletic build. His pecs were plump and muscular, taut
as Lea breathed heavily. Riku blinked as Lea pulled at his top, removing it in
one motion before pulling him towards him once again for another kiss; their
bare chests pressed together as they wrapped their arms around each other.
Riku couldn't remember ever being this intimate with another man before, his
usual encounters involving a small amount of foreplay and a lot of lube; more
of the sex and less of the awkward kissing. Only kissing Lea didn't feel
awkward at all. It was hot and wet and breathy, their pace between slow and
needy.
Lea pulled them backwards gently, their lips parting as he led Riku past the
kitchen and the joined living area. Riku would've let him push him to onto the
couch, but Lea tugged him past and through another door. It was much darker in
there, with no window to let in light, only the faint glow of the digital clock
on Lea's bedside table.
Riku didn't get a chance to take in the room before Lea pulled him forward and,
arms around his waist, and pushed the both of them onto his bed. Riku could
smell more of the coconut gel; it seemed Lea slept with it in some nights, as
the scent covered his pillows. Riku took in a breath as he positioned himself
under Lea, letting his legs wrap themselves around his waist as their lower
bodies rubbed together, both of them hard through their clothes.
Riku whimpered at the sensation, whether it was Lea's looks or the fact Riku
felt more for him then he had others, the way Lea kissed him or the vodka from
before, Riku didn't care, he wanted Lea more than he'd ever wanted anyone.
Lea pulled the covers over them, replacing the chill of the room with the heat
from their bodies as they moved against each other. Lea continued to kiss him
as his hands moved down his body, starting at his shoulders as he squeezed at
Riku's sides and let his hands slide over his abs.
Riku's own hands were kneading at Lea's shoulders, hot to touch and firm. The
two of them continued their touching and kissing, both of jutting their hips
against each other, rubbing themselves together through their clothes.
Riku's groin ached from the need to be touched, fucked, anything to release the
growing need. It was like an itch that filled his whole body with longing; one
he realised had been there for far longer than just that night. Need for more
than just kissing, despite how good and passionate it was, Riku broke their wet
exchange, panting heavily he gazed up at Lea, face contoured with shadows from
the dim lighting.  
"I want you" Riku breathed, their lips still lightly touching from their
closeness. He felt Lea shudder on top of him, from nerves or arousal Riku
couldn't tell. Lea nudged their noses together; he could feel the twitch of his
smile as he spoke.
"I really… like you." Lea seemed to laugh it, almost to himself rather than to
Riku. "And even if you disappear before morning… I'm going to make sure you
don't forget me" Riku could feel a tightness rise in his chest as Lea spoke. He
nudged up against Lea, not really sure what to say but knowing that a part of
him wanted to tell him he liked him back, but the words caught in his throat;
an old anxiety filling him at the thought of any sort of real commitment.
"I told you to give it a go" Riku muttered softly back. Lea laughed lightly
into his ear, Riku could feel his hands tugging at the hem of his pants.
"I'd kinda like to do this with less clothes on, if that's ok"
"No kidding" Riku smiled back, realising Lea was asking for his consent. Riku
wondered if Lea's kindness was attributed to the fact he'd only ever been in
long term relationships, his knowledge of sex and intimacy was completely
different to Riku's own rushed, fervent experiences.
He bucked up against Lea in response, helping him wriggle his capri pants off,
and along with them his tight boxer briefs. Lea tossed them on the floor while
undoing his belt, leaning back off Riku as he pouted.
"Skinny jeans are never the best choice for this kinda thing" He whined as he
tugged them off his hips. Riku smiled at Lea's casual joking, surprised by his
own calmness despite the fact he was naked and laying completely bare in front
of a man he'd only known for a few hours, and running on minimal alcohol; which
had admittedly begun to wear off before they'd even reached the bed. Not to
mention the sight of Lea sitting atop him, stripping, was only furthering his
arousal, which was more than obvious to Lea, who was seated just on top of his
thighs.
As Lea pushed his jeans off, Riku was sure he was going to bite through his
lip, Lea was well endowed. Seriously. Fuck. Me. Riku thought, his cheeks
growing red as he realised he probably wouldn't be forgetting Lea after all if
his hips would be aching tomorrow as much as he was imagining they would.
Lea chucked his jeans down with Riku's pants and pulled the sheets back over
him as he repositioned himself on top, leaning forward with hands on either
side of Riku's head. Riku let his hands trace their way along Lea's hips and
pulled them down as the two of them rubbed up against each other. Both of them
moaned, Lea nudging his head against Riku's as they let the friction build
between them.
"Please tell me you have lube" Riku gasped, feeling like he could come right
there if Lea were to give him the slightest touch.
"Y-yea" Lea panted, grabbing Riku's hip to steady himself as he lent over to
the night stand, opening the top draw and pulling out the tube. "I may be
totally domestic compared to you but it's not like I don't masturbate." Lea
joked, waving the lube in front of Riku teasingly.
"Just finger me, ok? I'm not gonna last in you do anything else beforehand"
Riku panted, watching as Lea squeezed a small amount between his fingers.
"Kay" Lea breathed back, smiling slightly at Riku before pulling him into a
kiss and continuing their frotting from before. "You… wanna prep me while I do
you?" He whispered into Riku's ear as he eased a finger between Riku's legs.
Riku moaned involuntarily before panting his response.
"Y-yup"
Lea handed him the lube with his free hand and went to kissing Riku's jawline,
the heat between them was rising again. Riku pushed a fair amount of the jelly
into his hands, lathering it to warm it before reaching down past the heat of
their bodies to grab at Lea's cock. As he stroked he felt two more fingers push
into him, making him whine.
He pushed himself against Lea and into his own hand, tugging at them both as
they moved together. Lea made small noises of pleasure into Riku's ear as they
rocked back and forth, Riku against Lea's fingers and Lea into Riku's palm.
"Can we-?" Lea gasped, beating Riku to the punch. Without saying anything, Riku
pulled his hips away and arched his back up, feeling Lea's fingers slip out of
him as he fumbled to position himself against him. The two of them panted, Riku
looking up at Lea, whose head was nuzzled atop his own.
He could feel the tip of Lea's cock against him; wet from the lube and pre cum
that had come out from Riku's teasing. His body shuddered as Lea eased forward,
Riku pushing against him slightly to, his panting heavy and breathy as Lea
entered him.
"A-ah-" Riku's voice raised. He felt his own tightness as Lea slowly pushed
forward, even with prep and lube, a year of no sex meant those muscles had
tightened.
Riku grabbed onto Lea' shoulders again, gripping tightly as he took him in.
Slowly though, Lea knew exactly how to angle himself and how to ease in, Riku
could hear him breathing, and see the heaving of his chest as he leant over
him, haggard from restraining himself.
Riku let out more involuntary whining as he felt Lea fill him to the hilt,
making it hard for him to concentrate on anything else. He felt groggy from the
pleasure, his body shuddering as Lea grinded up inside him.
"Y-you're so tight" Lea gasped finally, panting from holding his breath back.
Riku felt Lea breathe into his ear as his wrapped his arms around him, Riku
squeezed his thighs in response; they were wrapped tightly around Lea's angled
hips.
They both breathed deeply, Lea pausing his movements as they both relaxed. Riku
squeezed his eyes shut and took in as much of the moment as he could, Lea's
chest against his own, and his breath against his neck, the way he hugged him
close to him and the feeling of him pulsing inside of him, the sound of his own
heartbeat in his ears;
I could get use to this, Riku thought.
Lea started to move, slowly pulling out of Riku before slamming back in, slow
but hard and hot. Riku tried to stifle his moans with a bite of his lip, but
they came anyway. Lea panted in his ear, slowly increasing his pace with each
hot thrust; Riku could feel himself rub up against Lea when his hips came down
on him.
All Riku could do was hold on, tightening his embrace around Lea's shoulders as
Lea pushed him into the bed. He was stronger than he looked, the way he held
Riku now tight and hot as he slammed into him, Riku's head was foggy with
pleasure, his own moans seemed distant as he felt his whole lower body grow
hotter.
He pushed against Lea as much as he could, his grip tightened as he felt a
pressure build in his groin, his muscles stiffening as he reached his limit. He
gasped, feeling the releasing pulse as he came, his body shuddering with each
pump, hot and onto his and Lea's stomachs.
Riku could feel him pull at his hair and gasp as he grew harder, thrusting
faster and pushing Riku into the warmth of the bed. Lea's release was long and
hot, Riku gasped with him as it filled him, the both of them riding their
pleasure out as they rocked against each other.
Riku softened his grip on Lea, letting his arms fall to his side as he panted
from exhaustion, sweat running down his face and chest, his body sticky and wet
with bodily fluids; the smell of coconut mixing with the smell of sex. Lea
pulled out of him slowly, letting go of Riku and rolling to the side of him,
letting him breath. They both lay there, panting and hot for over a minute
before Lea broke the silence.
"Maybe I should forget to return books more often"
Chapter End Notes
     Jess is still learning how to write a good sex scene. Sorry!
***** Regrets *****
It was just before 6am when Riku woke up, his body clock kicking in before the
sun even started to flit through the window.
He was good at running away, he knew that, but instead of making his escape,
Riku found himself watching Lea sleep instead; his red hair fell over his face
in a messy jumble, his mouth was opened slightly as he breathed.
Riku smiled as he watched him.
The night had ended up being more than Riku had ever bargained for, not just
because the sex had been good, but because even after it was over, Riku hadn't
wanted to leave. He'd gone in expecting to sleep with some handsome book hog,
to temporarily fill the feeling of loneliness that had been following him
around for the past few months - instead he'd found someone he liked, someone
who understood him and wanted to get to know him. Riku sighed as he recalled
the night before.
Lea had insisted they shower together because "the water bill is too fucking
high here, yea? I swear Ollie makes me pay for the bar as well as the
apartment".
Even though Riku had seen right through Lea's game, he'd still agreed.
Showering with Lea meant he could stare at him for longer, and touch him, and
be with him in general; a craving for affection that Riku needed more than
anything else – not that he'd actually admit it to Lea. The young psychologist
was a romantic compared to Riku, who Riku knew wanted the night to mean more
than a book fine.
"…and yet" Riku whispered to himself as he sat on the edge of Lea's bed. He'd
written a note, more than he'd usually ever do, it was scribbled hastily on one
of the many note pads Riku had noticed in Lea's room, and placed obviously on
the bedside table above the alarm clock, sure to be noticed by Lea when his
alarm went off at 8 – an early riser even on a Saturday.
Riku wasn't a coward, in fact that to him was the biggest insult he could
receive, but at that moment the thought of staying scared him. It would mean
the date really had meant something, and that he was ready for the part where
Lea asked him about his life, and the part where he would have to tell him
everything.
Riku could feel the anxiety fill his chest as he tried to imagine the
conversation. Only a handful of people new about Riku's past in full detail,
before university and before the drinking and the sex. That hadn't really been
the problem, just a symptom of what had happened.
Riku breathed deeply and sadly as he glanced at Lea; he'd understand, he was a
psychologist, right? Empathy and caring and all those things that came with
helping people. Riku picked up the note and read it over one more time;
Lea,
I know I said we'd have a lunch date, but I'm sorry to say that was just the
drink talking. I know you said you like me – but I'm just not this sort of
person, relationships aren't my thing, and you'll just end up with another bad
relationship to add to your bartender's stories.
Maybe I'll see your name on the lib pc again sometime,
Thanks for the date,
Ku
Riku bit his lip as he put it back, as he reasoned, he'd never seen Lea at the
university before, likely because PhD students had less time on campus, and the
semester would be over soon. Little chance of a mistaken run in.
Sure he had everything, he tiptoed out of the room and through the main living
area, being able to see Lea's place even more clearly in the growing light of
dawn gave away more of the red heads personality; photo frames lined a small
sideboard shelf, showing Lea with his twin brother Reno and his family; others
showed a boy with blue hair from what looked like Lea's early university years.
Maybe his ex, though Riku couldn't imagine why someone would keep pictures of
their ex in photo frames.
Riku leant against the red sofa, his hips did hurt as much as he thought they
would. Even going to the gym didn't prepare your muscles for sex, Riku winced a
bit as he stretched out, trying to push back the flood of memories that came
with the physical reminder of Lea.
He made his way out the front door and quietly shut it behind him, although
failed to stop it from creaking completely. Riku grabbed his shoes and slipped
them on roughly as he hopped down the stairs, following the way they had come
onto the ground floor.
The bar was empty, not yet open for the day,
"Shit" He uttered out loud, realising Lea likely had a key that let him leave
whenever he wanted. "What do I do now" he sighed, kneading his head in his
hands out of frustration.
"You could ask me to let you out – though not without explaining why you're
trying to sneak out on the sweetest guy I know."
Riku didn't need to turn to recognise the voice, and sure enough Olette was
behind him, leaning up against the bar with a sad look on her face. Her twin
braids were gone, curly hair falling around her face and to her shoulders.
"Well?" she added.
"I-" Riku didn't have an excuse. "I just didn't feel like staying" He could
feel guilt wash over him, though he wasn't sure why. Did he regret this?
"You know- I doubt he told you much" Her tone was hushed, but still audible in
the empty bar, the sad look on her face seemed to grow as she spoke. "He's been
through a lot, you know? And when I saw you with him last night, it was the
happiest I've seen him in over a year, since… since some stuff happened. He
usually just holes up in there, and when I see him he's quiet, hardly talks to
people unless he has to – but you, he was laughing."
She didn't say anymore, just glanced at Riku, waiting for him to say something
to break the silence that followed. He didn't. "The door's unlocked' she said,
sighing nodding towards the entrance.
Riku could feel his heart beating against his chest, he felt like a deer caught
in headlights, unsure of which way to run but feeling like no matter where he
went he'd be caught in that stark light.
"Tell him I'm sorry" Riku said quietly, slowly walking up to the door. He
rested his hand against the handle, stopping as Olette called out to him.
"You know - I don't even know you, but I hope you know that when he wakes up to
you gone it's gonna hurt him all over again" He could hear the anger in her
voice, but Riku didn't turn back around. He'd made up his mind, and not even
the growing pain in his chest was going to stop him.
He sprinted to the train station, his hips aching as he did along with his
heart.
Catching the first ride back to the university, the sun had started to rise
more fully by the time Riku made it back to the apartment, he was out of breath
and full of feelings he couldn't describe to himself, feelings that weren't
quite an empty loneliness but an aching instead. Riku was so shaken by his
morning that he'd forgotten about the one person that would have noticed his
absence the night before.
"Riku!" Sora was already up – or perhaps he had never even gone to bed, he
sprung up from the couch where he'd been watching the morning news, wearing
loose blue jeans and a t-shirt Riku was sure belonged to him – "Where have you
been?!" Sora exclaimed, his brows furrowed and worried as he walked up to him.
"Oh... Sora- I'm really sorry" Riku had decided telling the truth was the best
thing to do. "I went out last night, I didn't get drunk, don't worry." He
added, seeing Sora's face grow with panic, "I just met a guy at the library and
we hit it off and-" And you ditched him, Riku caught himself thinking before
trailing off "-and I kinda stayed at his place but I'm fine, I just needed to,
I mean, he was really nice" Riku finished, not sure what else to say. He'd
never told Sora anything about his dates before.
Sora stared for a few moments before sighing heavily, the worry falling from
his face. "Sounds like you like him" Sora smiled, making Riku wondered if he'd
been teleported to some kind of alternate reality.
"I'm still kinda mad you didn't text me to say you wouldn't be home, but, I
mean you met someone at someplace that wasn't a bar! That's great, Riku!" He
looked way too happy for Riku to be in his own universe. "So what's his name?"
Oh.
"I don't think it'll be continuing so no name, sorry" Riku awkwardly stepped
around Sora, b lining for his room to escape the awkward situation.
"Woah, woah, hold up" Sora said, walking after him. "At least tell me – did you
get your book?"
Riku didn't know what to do, that question hit him harder than anything else
that morning. Lea's name on the overdue list, the days of Riku sitting alone in
the library waiting for someone to come in, the way he'd rung the bell at the
desk on a Friday afternoon when there was no one else around.
When I see him he's quiet, hardly talks to people unless he has to.
Lea had been trying to get his attention, it hadn't been some random run in, he
was tall, of course he'd seen Riku sitting there, looking at his laptop. He
could've just put the book in the return bin and got the fine in the mail; but
Lea had hit on him, he'd flirted with him from the beginning. If Riku hadn't
asked Lea out, Lea would have; and it wouldn't have been some shallow reasoning
like Riku's.
"Riku?" Sora enquired, hushed as he watched a look of pain come over Riku's
face.
"I think – I think I've made a mistake."
"What mistake?" Sora asked, worried again at his friend's sudden change of
tone.
"I think I just ditched a guy that really likes me and now I don't know what to
do" Sora stared at Riku in shock before replying.
"Do you like him?"
"I think I might, but I'm scared" Riku was trying to breathe through the panic
that had settled over him.
"Do you have his number? Call him and say you just had to leave cause of Kairi
coming back today and-"
"I left a note" And, Riku realised, he hadn't gotten Lea's number, or vice
versa.
"Oh" Sora looked about as sick and Riku felt. "I'm sure it'll be ok!" Sora
said, putting on a smile for Riku's sake. He nodded, hating himself the more
the thought about the events of the last 24 hours.
"I'm gonna go sleep for a bit"
Riku spent the rest of the day in his room, he felt awful. He'd watched the
clock tick over to eight, knowing Lea must've been waking up, finding his note.
Maybe he was cursing himself for even agreeing to Riku's awful idea. Who even
exchanges book fines for sex? Riku wanted to smother his own stupidity and
general awful attempts at being a human being along with it.
Sora came and pulled him out at dinner time, Riku remembering that Kairi would
be home that night. She came in with Namine, the two girls smiling and full of
excitement to be home and show off all the things they'd bought back from their
trip. Riku smiled along, refusing to bring the mood down with his melancholy.
Eventually Monday came around again, he'd have no classes until Wednesday, and
so it was a work day. He'd have the place to himself until 10 when Namine
started, not that he minded, he didn't want to have to answer questions about
his weekend.
Riku found himself in auto pilot, putting returned books back on their shelves
and sorting the deliveries that had come from their sister library in Twilight
Town. He went on like that until the end of his shift, hurrying out past Namine
before she had a chance to say anything.
The next few days were the same, Riku hardly spoke to Namine or Sora unless he
had to, preferring to lock himself in his room and wallow in his own regrets.
Lea hadn't deserved to run into somebody like him. He kept catching himself
thinking about him, and thinking about other things, too. Memories he thought
he'd put away, more regrets.
When it reached Friday again, Riku had fallen even more into a depression; Sora
seemed to have realised Riku was taking up his old habit of self blame again,
but even after the offer of a holiday back to the islands, Riku didn't feel any
better.
So, as he stacked more shelves on the Friday morning, It hadn't even occurred
to Riku that his ditched date would still like him enough to seek him out,
and when he heard the bell din from behind some shelves he was stocking and
peaked out to spot Lea leaning casually against the front desk, his heart
nearly beat itself out of his chest.
"Oh my god" Riku exclaimed to himself, hushed as he clutched a stack of books
to his chest. He was a good three rows back, there was no way Lea could see
him. He didn't know what to do. Did he walk out and face whatever he deserved
after Saturday morning? He couldn't even think of why Lea would want to talk to
him in the first place, unless – unless.
He heard the bell ring again, this time accompanied by Lea's voice. "Look, I
know someone must be working and I also know that if they're not coming out
then it must be you"
Riku felt his breath catch as he tried to psych himself up, to do something,
anything. But there was that fear again, that anxiety, and it was holding him
back from doing anything. Lea didn't say anything else, and Riku dared to peak
around the shelf again. The redhead was gone, but Riku's anxiety wasn't.
"Fuck" Riku groaned when he reached the counter. There was a note, and not just
any note, but his own. He stared at it, he could see Lea and written on it in a
red pen. "Ok, ok, let's see" Riku breathed.
Lea,
I know I said we'd have a lunch date, but I'm sorry to say that was just the
drink talking. I know you said you
-Yea, and I recon those martini's didn't quite reach that book fine tbh, so
it's still on.
like me – but I'm just not this sort of person, relationships aren't my thing,
and you'll just end up with another
-I do. I think you've never tried before. "Give it a go"
bad relationship to add to your bartender's stories.
– you've been added already, she was pretty upset that you didn't even stay
after her little speech. Lol. Ballsy cause ollie can be preeeetty convincing.
Maybe I'll see your name on the lib pc again sometime,
-I feel like you wouldn't have said this unless a part of you does like me,
yea?
Thanks for the date,
Ku - Cute. Like you.
My number is on the back.
I have a review meeting.. thing today on campus. And like I said I still owe
you like $100 for that fine, so, coffee?
Riku breathed deeply, Lea had meant it when he said he wanted to date him. Why
was this going this way? Everything he'd done up until that point didn't
deserve this level of persistence. But here he was. Riku thumbed Lea's number
into his phone.
"It's just lunch, ok? So you feel better about the fine."
Not a date, just lunch, if it gave him a chance to explain himself and
apologise, that would be enough.
He hit send.
***** A little bit of advice *****
Riku watched his phone as it confirmed his message had been sent.
He still felt anxious, but at the same time was relieved Lea didn't hate him;
He hadn't deserved to have an idiot like Riku come into his life. His stomach
turned a little as his phone vibrated in his hand, a new message coming up
under Lea's number, he bit his lip as he opened it. Lea had sent him an
address, it wasn't far from the university, just on the main street closest to
them.
Riku wondered how he was going to explain to Lea he didn't want to date anyone,
even him. Would he have to tell him about… everything? Riku clutched his phone
in anxiety. Dammit. Why did it have to be so hard? He swayed on the spot until
a hand grabbed his shoulder, in shock, Riku spun around.
"Are you ok?" It was Namine, she was staring a Riku with a look of worry.
"I- I'm not sure" Riku was honest, his blonde co-worker had a habit of seeing
through his stoic personality.
Namine smiled a little "You looked worried, even on the weekend when we came
back".
"Yea, I, some stuff happened over the last week" He breathed deeply, preparing
for the question he knew was coming.
"Want to talk about it?" She was still smiling, but it was in a sad way, Riku
glanced at her before nodding. He had to tell someone, and Namine was always
good at giving advice.
They sat behind the counter as Riku talked, telling her about how he'd been
feeling empty, and how he'd met Lea. About the Friday night and everything that
had happened, although glossing over the sex, of course. Namine listened
without interrupting, until Riku finished telling her about Lea coming to the
library earlier, and their proposed lunch date; he stopped talking and glanced
up nervously.
"And… that's it" He sighed, it felt good to finally tell someone everything.
"So…" Namine started, her voice was hushed and thoughtful, a way of speaking
that her cousin Kairi also had. "You like him, more than you think you've liked
anyone before, but you're afraid of being in a relationship because you were
hurt badly last time you trusted someone."
Riku nodded, not meeting her eye. She gazed at him, somehow giving him the
feeling of being see through. "I think that Lea cares about you more than
you've realised… You said he seemed to know things about you without asking –
like your drinking problems - what if he's trying to help by insisting on
getting to know you and care about you?" Riku stared at her.
"Well..." He hadn't thought of it that way, he'd just assumed Lea wanted to
date him because he was attractive, or whatever. But then again, the way he'd
picked up on the drinking, what if Lea somehow looked at him and saw some
broken person? Could psychologists do that? And if he could that would mean.
"-That would mean he pities me" Riku murmured, feeling a tightness in his
chest. Just like Sora and Kairi, always worrying about him. He glared up at
Namine. "Well?" She shook her head slowly, smiling.
"No, not pity, understanding, caring. Things you need" She added. "He didn't
stop you from drinking in the bar, just asked to see if you were ok." She
glanced at Riku, and then got up and picked up the note from the desk. "And the
note, he didn't think of himself when he saw it, he thought of you; he came
here to ask you if you were sure about leaving." She turned the note over a few
times, thoughtfully, "I think maybe he's worried he hurt you".
Riku stared at Namine, dumbfounded, him? Hurt? He didn't know why, but the idea
that Lea cared about him made him feel lighter.
"I…" He looked away, still not sure what to do next, knowing he'd have to leave
soon to make the lunch date. "I still don't know what to do though! I'm going
to go and he's gonna wanna know why I'm so… why I'm such a coward" He spat it
out, feeling sick. He felt a hand on his shoulder.
"You're not a coward, Riku, you're just someone that's been hurt by people so
much that the idea of opening up to anyone scares you" She hugged him, he could
smell her perfume, it was like Kairi's, sweet like lilies.
"Go there and see what he says Riku. I know you're afraid of all the things
you're feeling, but I think Lea might be the guy you need to remember what it's
like to be whole again" She pulled away, smiling. "I'll cover your shift, so
don't bother coming back, ok? Go get him!" She smiled wider, nodding and
clasping her hands together thoughtfully. Riku could feel himself blushing.
"I guess… I'm gonna head off then." He breathed deep, trying to dispel his
growing anxiety.
"Good luck" Namine called out as Riku grabbed his bag and headed out the door.
Riku slowed as he walked towards the café, he had already spotted Lea, reading
whatever magazine had been available and leaning against the table with his
head against his palm.
He looked sad, at least from where Riku stood. With a sigh he walked a little
faster, wondering if Lea would spot him before he reached the door. Forcing
himself not took look at him as he walked, he let himself in.
The café was one of the many small, hipster places in the area; with a fancy
coffee machine and range of cakes and scones available. The décor was modern
and bright, with booths of bright red seats and black tables in the centres. It
seemed empty aside from the waitress and Lea, who was in a far booth to the
left.
Riku sighed, psyching himself up, before looking around and letting his eyes
find the top of Lea's red hair, he lowered his gaze and met those green eyes
that had already found him when he walked in. His heart thumped as he gulped
and made his way over to the table.
"Hey" He said, hating how shaky his voice sounded with only the one word. Lea
looked as handsome as always, his hair was brushed back in a softer style than
his spiky mess the previous Friday, and the eyeliner around his eyes was less
pronounced. He was wearing the same leather jacket with a bright yellow tank
top underneath, revealing the top of his pecs in a way that on any other day
would've had Riku flirting. He had one leg thrown over the other under the
table, tight jeans from the previous week present again.
"Hey" Lea replied as Riku put his bag on the seat opposite, he was searching
Riku's face, but the look he gave him gave him gave nothing away about what the
red head may have been thinking. "You want anything?"
"I'm don't really feel like eating right now" Riku replied, the anxiety in his
chest had built up to the point he couldn't handle stomaching anything.
"I kinda figured" Lea said, scratching the back of his head thoughtfully. "See,
when I woke up on Saturday and saw your note, first thing I did was feel stupid
for falling for someone so quickly" He was playing with a napkin as he spoke,
not meeting Riku's eye, his voice rising with emotion as he spoke.
"But then that part of me that can't help worrying about people kicked in. And
I re read that note like six times, wondering if I was over thinking things or
not. I mean the last time I did this kinda thing everything went to shit, so at
first I wasn't even gonna do anything about it"
He looked up at Riku, catching his eye. It surprised him how pained he looked,
Riku wondered if he was talking about his ex. "But then I… I thought about the
way you'd talked to me in the bar. People don't just open up to people unless
they're in pain. People don't just ask random guys in libraries out on dates
unless there's something in them that makes 'em."
Lea has started to tear up the napkin, letting pieces fall to the table. "I
really like you, Riku." He smiled a bit as he said it, glancing at him, "I
really like you and I wanna know why you don't wanna date me. I feel like… I
felt like I had a connection with you I haven't had in a really long time" Lea
was scrunching the napkin in his hands as he said it, and it was all Riku could
concentrate on as he replied.
"Because I'm broken" he hissed, still restricted by the anxiety in his chest.
"And I've forgotten the last time I was really myself. Not since I was a kid,
you know? Friday was the first time I'd drank anything, had sex with anyone in
a really long time. I let myself be someone I hadn't been in ages, because I
feel so empty"
He clutched at his own arm, squeezing it so that the pain would keep him
grounded. His vision had gone blurry from the tears welling up in his eyes, he
couldn't stop talking now, he had to get it out, and otherwise Lea would never
understand, "…and I'm so afraid of being hurt again that I'd rather drink until
I forget and let sex fill whatever void there is than open myself up to
someone, trust someone other than myself" Riku hadn't noticed Lea's hands
withdraw, or him get up from his seat as he was talking, but next thing Riku
knew Lea's arm was firmly around his shoulder, sitting next to him on his side
of the booth.
"…Riku" Lea didn't say anything else, just let his arms wrap around Riku, who
could feel his anxiety melting away at the other man's touch. Riku let his arm
drop as he pushed himself against Lea, sniffling into his shoulder.
At first Lea said nothing, just held him and let his fingers run through Riku's
hair, consoling him quietly. It wasn't until Riku's heart rate begun to drop
and his breathing evened out that the redhead responded.
"I don't think you're ok, are you?" Riku shook his head into Lea's shoulder. He
wasn't. "You don't have to agree to date me but I don't really wanna leave you
alone right now." He kept holding him "So, look, do you wanna go to mine so we
can talk and I can tell you some stuff too? I know this hasn't really ended up
being a lunch date but I kinda think you've been wanting to say that to someone
for a while" Riku laughed a little, a weird feeling filling him as he pulled
away from Lea.
"I'd like that" He said, wiping his eyes. "And… I  like you too, it's why I'm
so scared" He couldn't meet Lea's eye.
"I'm gonna do what I can to change that" Lea said, leaning back against the
booth chair and smiling "Come on".
It was past 3 when they got to the Tiki Bar, Riku had been quiet the whole way
there, leaning against Lea's shoulder on the train. It felt weird for him to
let himself take comfort in someone else, and to let them care for him.
He had gotten so used to pushing Sora and Kairi away that he'd forgotten what
it really felt like to be loved. He wouldn't lie to himself, the thought of
being alone with Lea in his apartment made him hope he'd be able to sleep with
him again. It sounded so shallow in his head, but the way Lea had touched him
and made him feel on Friday still came back to Riku's mind. He wanted to feel
that warmth again, that connection.
He watched as Lea unlocked the door to the bar, still closed until 5pm. It was
empty, no sign of Olette or anyone else. Lea held out his hand and let Riku
take it, leading him upstairs. They were both still quiet as they made their
way up, taking off their shoes and walking into Lea's apartment. Riku was
almost expecting a repeat of Friday night, Lea to turn and take him at the
doorway, though it didn't happen. He watched as the red head pulled off his
jacket and threw it over a chair, and then turn to Riku with a pout.
"I haven't really tidied up or anything, so don't snoop too much" He smiled and
then sighed, ruffling the back of his hair "Do you wanna talk first or will I?
I figure we like, exchange shitty past stories, you know?" Riku smiled a
little.
"I kinda feel like if I don't talk now I won't be able to later" He studied Lea
a little, wanting to hold him, just for the comfort of it; overcome with that
feeling he continued.
"Could I hug you?" He asked, surprised by how quiet his voice was. Lea blinked
at him in surprise, before striding over and pulling Riku into an embrace. They
both swayed on the spot as Riku buried his head into Lea's shoulder. He smelt
the coconut in his hair, breathing it in made him feel calmer, somehow.
"I wouldn't mind being your boyfriend" he said in barely a whisper, he felt
Lea's hands tighten around his waist, he clutched his arms tighter around Lea's
shoulders in response.
"Hey" Lea pulled back a bit, still holding Riku close as their eyes met, Riku
could feel his heart rate increasing as they both stared. Time seemed to slow
as he let himself be taken in by those bright green eyes "Can I kiss you?" Lea
asked, barely a whisper. Riku inhaled deeply as he gently rose on his tiptoes
and pushed his mouth against Lea's, feeling the softness of Lea's lips and hot
breath as they pushed together.
It was so different to the drunken kiss they'd last shared. This was slow,
sweet, no rush to pull away or press harder; just the feeling of Lea clutching
him tighter as they slowly kissed again and again.
Riku lost track of how long it lasted, his heart was beating hard, chest filled
with a feeling he knew wasn't anxiety, it wasn't fear or lust either; and as
they pulled away, Riku smiling up at Lea, whose cheeks were flush pink and own
smile growing as their eyes met, Riku realised he was in love.
***** Addictions *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It was strange for Riku to find himself in bed with another man but still be
almost fully clothed, and not at any stage of sexual activity at all. In fact,
at that time he was more enjoying the feeling of Lea’s arms around him and the
smell of coconut in his hair. Riku breathed deeply, wrapping his arms more
tightly around Lea’s waist and listening to the beating of his heart.
“Feeling better?” Lea was playing with his hair as he asked, ruffling it gently
between his fingers.
“Yea” Riku’s anxiety hadn’t gone away with the kiss, in fact at the realisation
he was going to tell Lea about his past, Riku’s whole body had gone into flight
mode. Somehow, without him saying anything, Lea had asked him if he’d ever
suffered from anxiety attacks. With a nod from Riku and a sigh from Lea, he’d
pulled him to his bedroom and made him lay down.
“You just gotta calm down a bit, ok?” He’d sat next to him, arm around his
shoulder, as Riku tried to breathe properly.
“This hasn’t happened this badly in a while” Riku had mumbled, upset he’d
fallen back into what felt like years of recovery. Lea had watched him, the
look of concern on his face making him pout slightly.
“Whatever you’re gonna tell me, have you told people before?”
Riku shrugged, falling into Lea’s arms without much thought, “I think so? When
it… after it had all happened. But not all at once. When I did see a psych, it
was for the drinking, so…” Riku didn’t know what he was trying to say.
“Ku, you don’t have to tell me anything, but you know talking about it, it
might help with all these things you’ve been dealing with. Also, I am a psych,
so…” Lea had trailed off, and then nuzzled his face into Riku’s hair. “Wanna
cuddle until you calm down?”
So he and Riku were now very much cuddled in bed, both still clothed, but not
that it mattered. Riku’s need for sex seemed to have disappeared with the
feeling of being held, his anxiety had died away too.
“I think I’m ok to talk now”
“Sure?”
“Yea, I, I feel like I need to. I can’t explain it.” He breathed deeply, still
with his head against Lea’s chest. “Ok if we stay like this?”
“Yea!” Lea pulled his arms around Riku tighter, rocking him slightly. “I’m a
hugging kinda guy, you know?” Riku smiled, wondering if he’d ever escape now
he’d been caught.
“Ok, well…” He breathed deeply, wondering where to begin.
 
It was the middle of his third year at Destiny High, and he had just turned
fifteen and his hair was grown out and long. A taller boy sat on the steps near
the sports oval, grinning at him, his hair was silver, like Riku’s, only longer
and pulled into a ponytail.
“Heard you’re the class fag” he’d said, blocking Riku’s way.
“What does it matter?” Riku’d spat back, not afraid of some idiot trying to
rile him up.
The older boy had laughed at him, before walking up to him with a grin “Well, I
am too”
He was nearly sixteen when the boy that called himself Nort finally convinced
him to go to his house, he’d seen Riku struggling with classes and life in
general; and decided to jump on it. Riku trusted him, somehow, he felt like
Nort understood him.
“This is coke” He’d said, waving the bag of white powder in front of Riku’s
face. “It’ll make you more powerful, smarter, faster, everything” He watched
the other man snort up the substance, smiling. Riku, sick of feeling weak, had
tried it to.
It was six months later when Nort, now a college student, started asking for
more than just money for the coke. It began with blow jobs, something Riku had
done before, and it didn’t seem like much if it meant he could get his fix.
Nort and he weren’t a couple, but he’d told him things about his life he’d
never told anyone; how much he liked Sora, how much he hated feeling alone.
Nort just watched him talk and offered him more of the drug.
He didn’t remember when he started drinking to offset the effects of the coke
and the anxiety that came with it, but he remembered the fight that came around
the same time. His best friend’s brother finding out about the drugs, and
beating him in the middle of the cafeteria. Riku hadn’t put up a fight, he knew
he deserved it.
Upset from the fight and desperate for his fix, Riku had gone to Nort’s late in
the afternoon. He could vividly remember the sight of the setting sun before
walking into that godforsaken house.
“You coming down?” He’d asked, smirking, playing with the bag Riku wanted more
than anything. “I’m gonna want a little extra today”
Riku remembered not understanding, just feeling that crawling need for the
coke, so when Nort had knocked him onto the floor and held him by the throat,
Riku couldn’t even cry out.
“Your gonna do this for me whenever you want a fix, ok, Ri-ku? He’d laughed as
he pulled off both their pants. Riku couldn’t do anything, just lay there with
a feeling of betrayal as the man used him as a toy.
Riku was nearly 17 when, after coming home bruised and bloody around his legs
his mother had called the police. Nort went to prison for drug dealing, and
Riku was sent to rehab.
Riku wanted to tell Lea more, but his throat had gone dry from the heavy
sobbing that was wracking his body. He clutched at Lea’s top, unable to speak
but to cry into Lea’s shoulder. Lea was quiet, too, he hadn’t interrupted Riku
once, just clutched him tighter when he had gotten to the rape. Lea let go of
him and reached for a tissue from his bedside table, pulling Riku to sit up as
he handed him the box.
“You did really well” He said softy as he watched Riku clean his face from snot
and tears. “Did you get any help for the rape, or?”
“-Just the drug use” Riku interjected, sniffling, but finding his eyes meeting
Lea’s calmed him down, somehow.
“Typical” Lea mumbled, looking disgusted. “The treatment of male rape and abuse
victims is… well.” He sighed, pulling at his hair in the nervous way Riku was
coming to love. “You don’t have to tell me anymore, I can add up the rest”
He took the tissues back from Riku and pulled him to him, “Depression from the
withdrawals and abuse, self-harm…” Riku flinched “Sorry Ku… I saw em on your
thighs last week.” Riku nodded, another reason he avoided more intimate sex, he
hated his scars. Oh well. “-Self-medication, promiscuity” Lea looked at him,
touching his cheek tenderly. It felt weird to hear Lea so casually talk about
all the things Riku had gone through, only without the judging tone often set
to him by Sora or Kairi.
“You don’t think I’m an idiot?” Riku asked, looking away from Lea. He’d hardly
finished his sentence when Lea grabbed him and pulled him into another tight
hug.
“Jeeze” Lea laughed slightly, and began kissing Riku up the side of his neck,
talking as he did, “You’re not an idiot, you’re a victim” He said gently, Riku
shut his eyes and let himself feel Lea against him. It felt so nice to be held
like this. “I’m really, I’m so sorry for all those things that you had to go
through” Lea whispered into Riku’s ear, he could almost feel the sadness in his
body as he spoke “No one deserves that.”
Riku felt like crying again, there was a weight coming off him that he couldn’t
describe. He breathed deeply, bringing his hands up to Lea’s face and pulling
him into a kiss. They sat like that for several long moments, their tongues
slowly pushing together, as if trying to convey how they felt through the
pressure. Lea released the kiss, eyes still shut as he nuzzled his forehead
against Riku’s.
“And just so you know, it’s not uncommon for people to try and get control of
their lives again through sex, it’s just one of the ways people react. You’re
not at fault or wrong from that” Lea pulled away and smiled at him “I think
it’s really remarkable that you’ve been through so much and still have the
strength to get a degree and have a job, you know?”
Riku could feel himself blushing, he felt like a kid. “Everyone else thinks I’m
a slut” He laughed, wiping his face one more time to get the remaining tears
off. “It was just either that or the cutting, somehow” He shrugged, thinking
he’d need to explain, but Lea nodded in understanding.
“Yea, I could explain why but then you’d have to listen to me drone on about
hormones and addiction and stuff, and that would be boring” He laughed, making
Riku smile back, he felt like he was coming out of a trance, and all he could
do was think about how beautiful Lea’s face was when he smiled.
“Lea…” He said slowly, not sure if he was being too forward or not, the redhead
gazed at him, as if he knew what was coming but wasn’t going to do anything
unless Riku said so. “Mind if we do the cuddling thing, but with less clothing
this time?” He let his gaze fall to Lea’s, who was blushing again. Riku felt
himself smirking at how cute he looked.
“I’d like that” Lea replied finally, looking sheepish. Riku threw his arms
around his shoulders for what felt like the hundredth time that day.
“You’re really cute, you know?” Riku said as Lea gazed at him, smirking.
“Speak for yourself, handsome.”
“Sexy”
“Ku-tie-pie” Lea sounded it out with a breath of cockiness, and Riku let out an
embarrassed groan at the stupid use of his nickname.
“First you live above a tiki bar and now you make bad puns before sex, I’m
embarrassed for you” Riku teased him but he was laughing, for what felt like
the first time in a long while. Lea laughed with him, the both of them in a fit
of giggles before they both met each other’s gaze, Riku could feel his heart
pounding in his ears. “I’m really glad you returned that stupid book late, you
know?” Riku sighed, staring into those green eyes.
“Me to” Lea whispered, before leaning in and kissing Riku gently.
Their clothes didn’t stay on for long, quickly pulled of each other, although
not roughly. Riku let Lea touch him gently, different to the rushed and tipsy
foreplay from the Friday night. Lea started with kisses on Riku’s cheek,
working down along his collarbone, tongue sliding along gently and sending
shivers through Riku’s body. Riku slid his hands into Lea’s think hair as he
touched him, it lacked the sticky gelled texture from the week before, letting
Riku clutch at it without knotting.
As Lea worked his way down Riku’s body, wet kisses trailing down his chest and
abs, he began to stroke him slowly, not roughly, but enough to make Riku moan
and pant at the feeling. He pulled more tightly at Lea’s hair as he felt the
kisses reach his hips; hot breath so close to his tender groin that he had to
curl his toes in anticipation.
Lea, one hand still kneading at Riku while the other massaged his legs apart
gently, Riku felt his breath hot over his cock as Lea slowly licked him,
pushing his tongue into the tip, where a clear fluid had begun to spill out
from his massaging. Riku whined slightly at the wet feeling and bit his lip,
letting his eyes flutter close at Lea’s blissful touch.
Before he went any further, Lea pulled his hand away from Riku and kissed the
tip, sending a subtle jitter through Riku’s body as he let his hands ruffle
Lea’s hair. He heard a small pop as Lea opened the lube he’d grabbed earlier,
Riku lifted his hips slightly, knowing what was coming and wanting it
desperately. It was agonising, but so good at the same time, he felt relaxed by
Lea’s slow pace.
Riku felt the finger push gently at his entrance, not going in, but flicking
around to wet him. As Lea slowly teased him, he begun to kiss Riku’s member
again, the heat of his breath and wet of his mouth making Riku pant.
“A-ah…” Riku breathed deeply as Lea’s mouth closed around him, the finger that
had been teasing him pushing in at the same time. The combined touching made
Riku moan, he didn’t bother to hold it in, he wanted Lea to know how much he
was enjoying it. He panted and let his eyes open, watching Lea expertly suck on
his cock. It felt amazing, and Riku didn’t care if he came quickly, one finger
was soon replace by two as Lea scissored at his entrance, loosening him.
Riku pulled roughly at Lea’s hair out of the agony of his build up. He could
hear himself whine as Lea quickened movements, until with a sudden surge of
pleasure Riku’s body shuddered. Lea continued to suck at him, lapping up his
release with his tongue and letting his eye’s meet Riku’s.
“You’re really good at that” Riku moaned as Lea pulled his fingers out and
released him from his mouth. Lea pulled himself up to Riku’s level, he gazed at
him with a look Riku couldn’t place, but it made his heart flutter more than
the foreplay had.
“As long as you’re ok” Lea smiled, Riku had already pulled his legs around
Lea’s hips, he could feel the heat from Lea’s lower body against him. Taking
the hint, Lea kissed him slowly, the both of them lost for a moment in the
others mouth. Riku could taste himself on Lea’s lips, it made him feel giddy.
Riku bucked up against Lea, helping him position himself, they both pushed
against each other with audible moans as Lea entered him. Riku panted through
the kiss, quickening the movements of his tongue against Lea’s as he pulled him
inside.
“It feels so nice” Riku moaned into Lea’s ear, as he wrapped his arms around
his shoulders, he felt Lea smile in response, slowly thrusting into Riku at
pace that made him stiffen once again. He’d never came more than once in one
session with a guy, and he was pretty sure Lea was about to change that.
“How ya want it?” Lea purred, biting softly at Riku’s ear as he thrust just a
little harder. Riku took it all in, the angle pushing against his sweet spot,
but not enough to have him crying out. Riku had never been asked how he liked
it before, and he was more than a little shy to admit it.
“Slow but h-hard” He panted pack, kneading into Lea shoulders from wanting.
Lea hummed in response, and pulled away slightly as he went up on his hands,
the angle changing just enough to hit Riku in the place that made in groan.
“T-there – ah!” His legs tighten around Lea as his hips slammed into Riku, he
paused there as Riku took him in, dazed from the pleasure that was rocking his
body. Lea pulled out slowly – so slowly that Riku begun to whine – but soon the
hot, hard thrust came back down into him. Riku cried out in pleasure, his grip
now around Lea’s neck and in his hair has he pushed himself onto his lover. The
slow, hard pace continued, until Lea begun to speed up, both of them lost in
each other’s touch and revelling in the moans that escaped both their mouths.
Riku could feel is climax approaching, he tightened his legs as much as he
could, not wanting to lose the feeling of Lea’s hard cock hitting him with each
thrust. He felt an equally rough tug and his hair and gasp in his ear as the
both reached their threshold near simultaneously, Riku just before Lea and
crying out as he felt Lea release deep inside him.
Neither of them let go right away, the both of them gasping and grinding
against each other as they continued to feel pleasure shiver through them. Riku
was breathless, panting for air in the heat of the room. Lea held him close,
kissing his cheek and his jaw and his nose, everywhere he could without
smothering his mouth. Breathing evening out, Riku pulled Leas mouth to his,
kissing him tenderly as he could, both their eyes open as they gazed at each
other in their post-sex bliss. Lea’s eyeliner was running from sweat and his
hair was a mess, tangled from Riku’s pulling; he looked adorable, panting above
him.
“You’re really sexy post-sex” Riku panted teasingly as Lea pulled out of him
gently, their legs wrapping together as they got comfortable again.
“Yea, the eyeliner does wonders for the dishevelled look” Lea grinned. The both
laughed, Riku felt like he could lay there with Lea forever, in the warmth of
the bed and Lea’s arms; but that of course wouldn’t last. Riku could already
feel his own release drying and cooling on his skin.
“Shower?” He asked with a smile, letting his hand grace the side of Lea’s face,
touching those perfect cheekbones.
“Yea, and then it’s my turn to talk” Lea sighed, nuzzling his head into the
crook of Riku’s neck. “I need a drink”
Riku smiled, massaging Lea’s back absentmindedly as he wondered where things
would go from there.
Chapter End Notes
     Everything's about to go tumbling down and ya gonna love it.
     //Runs away cackling.
***** Realisations *****
Chapter Notes
     Mostly talking in this one, but it's shorter. Let the dramu games
     begin!
The noise Olette emitted when Lea came down the stairs with Riku in toe was a
mixture of the cooing noise one might give to a cute animal and a screech of
surprise. She bounced up to them with a look of delight.
“He-llooooo” She looked from one to the other as Riku tried not to laugh at
Lea’s face.
“Oh look darling he’s got himself a boyfriend” Riku said, his voice taking on a
new tone in a mockingly feminine way. It just made Olette screech louder.
“REALLY?!” Her twin tails bounced with her as she flung herself around them
both, jumping on the spot. Riku felt a little dazed by the gratitude. “I knew
you liked him” Olette exclaimed, grinning at Riku in a rapt way. It was clear
Lea and Ollie were better friends then Riku had guessed. He smiled back, glad
to see that Lea was smiling sheepishly too, his hand had found Riku’s hair to
play with rather than his own.
“You’re a menace” Lea smiled at her, pulling Riku around to two empty bar
stools. It was 7pm, and the place had just started to fill as the band set up.
“I told him I’d tell him about my exes, so I’m gonna need a screwdriver or
something, the rum type” Olette lifted an eyebrow in surprise.
“You’re in for a night” She said, tilting her head to Riku, who found himself
unsure of how to react “Want anything?” He took a moment to process the
question, but Lea’s hand on his shoulder gave him a reaffirming squeeze; It was
subtle, but strangely Riku knew he was letting him know he didn’t have to
drink.
“Maybe just something to taste, I…” Olette didn’t seem to have noticed his
hesitation, because she perked up quickly.
“I could make the same frozen margarita from the other day, only just more of
the lemonade! They freeze better that way, too.” Riku nodded in agreement, and
she hurried to get their drinks. “Lea, you’re getting a double, kay?” She
called back, he heard his now-boyfriend groan at the thought of a strong rum.
Boyfriend. The word was still playing in his head, and every time he looked at
Lea or felt him touch him it made his heart beat a little faster. This wasn’t
temporary, he actually was in a relationship.
“Ku” Lea pulled him close, reminisce of what he’d done last time, only now Riku
didn’t feel flush from it, but rather comforted. Their legs pushed together as
Lea leant close, their noses touching as Lea whispered to him “You ok? Guess
living above a bar isn’t a great experience for you”
Riku smiled at him, blinking slowly from emotion. “I’m fine, I’ve got you” He
watched a flicker of a smile come across Lea’s face.
“Yea” Lea smiled, his hand reached up and pushed one of Riku’s long locks out
of his face, he’d let it out after the shower, his hair tie lost somewhere in
Lea’s bed. The urge to kiss Lea had come over Riku, but that was quickly broken
by a tutting noise to their side. Both he and Lea rolled their eyes to each
other.
“We know” they said, turning to Olette, who was holding their drinks. Lea’s was
a dark brown colour, in a very large mason jar, Riku imagined it was probably
as strong as it looked.
“Guess I’m taking advantage of you tonight” Riku joked, eyeing Lea as he stared
at what he’d been given.
“Or cleaning up my puke from the toilet. Jeeze” He looked up and Olette who was
grinned wickedly. “I’m probs gonna need it though”
“I figured you might want a head start, so…” She put two small shot glasses
down in front of them, both lined with salt around the edges. Lea made a
visible noise.
“Def puking” He said, looking at Riku for help.
“Where’s the lemon?” Riku joked, he actually liked tequila, and had decided he
probably needed to be buzzing to handle whatever story Lea was going to tell.
“Right here” Olette said, putting the sour fruit strips down next to the
glasses. “I’m guessing you both know what to do!” She smiled and glanced at the
other patrons near the far end of the bar. “I gotta go, but you two have fun,
ok?” She bounced off with a cheerful whistle.
The both stared at the drinks for a moment before Riku shrugged, grabbing his
and waiting for Lea to do the same.
“Not a fan?” He asked with a laugh, Lea looked like he was staring at the
devil.
“I hate this shit” He moaned, pouting at Riku as if maybe he could save him.
Riku decided to tease him instead, he quickly licked the salt from around the
edge of his glass, holding the bitterness in his mouth and waiting for Lea to
follow suit.
His boyfriend groaned before copying, nose wrinkling as the saltiness hit his
tongue. “Id rather lik somthin’ else” He mumbled, the saltiness affecting his
speech. Riku snorted and held out his glass, Lea looked confused, so he pulled
his arm over to him so his glass was at Riku’s lips and Riku’s at his. Winking,
Riku quickly sucked at his lemon, watching realisation dawn on Lea as he did
the same and the both of them quickly, and messily, spilling the tequila into
the others mouth.
The mixture of salt, lemon, and bitter alcohol hit him all at once. He winced
as he swallowed it down, watching Lea making a similar expression, tequila
running down both their chins. They glanced at each other before bursting into
giggles.
“Your face made it all worth it” Lea laughed, wiping his mouth on the back of
his hand, Riku doing the same.
“Yea, yea, yea, ok” Riku pulled his drink over and sipped it, the sweet taste
covering up the remaining salt. “Tell me about your shitty exes.”
Lea smiled sadly, gulping some of his Rum and coughing slightly before taking a
deep breath.
“Where to begin…”
Lea sat with his brother Reno near the entrance to Radiant Garden High,
watching the boys from the private school walk by. One in particular caught his
eyes every day, a shock of blue hair and a sad look on his face.
“Hey, I’m Lea! Get it memorised!” He remembered saying, embarrassed by his old
catchphrase, but Isa had turned and smiled, and Lea had started to fall for
him.
He was 15 when Isa first hit him, out of frustration, he said. They were just
friends, and Lea had embarrassed him in front of a group of the older boys at
his school.
“You’re always so stupid, Lea” He’d said. Lea hadn’t know what to say, he’d
never seen his friend angry before.
Isa had anger issues, his mum was abusive and his dad wasn’t around, it wasn’t
his fault that he got angry sometimes. He remembered telling Reno one day after
coming home with a black eye.
“Bro, you know I’m here if you need me, you don’t need to go around with that
asshole, you’re gonna get hurt!” Reno had shouted, upset that Lea wouldn’t
listen, he wouldn’t understand, Lea just wanted to help his friend; and the guy
he loved.
When he was 17 he finished high school early, going into university to study
psychology. Isa had gotten an apprenticeship, he asked Lea why he still cared
about him. Lea kissed him and told him he loved him.
He was 20 when things started to go downhill, he was working at the bar every
other day, and Isa’s apprenticeship put strain on him. He was getting angry
more often; he was jealous of the students Lea worked with.
“You’re always picking up strays” He’d sobbed one night, Lea not sure what to
say “Like me”
Lea didn’t want to leave Isa, but Isa had insisted, even though he hasn’t had
an outburst in years. Anger issues from childhood abuse. Lea had recommended
him to a psychologist he learnt under.
“I’m sorry” Isa had said as he hugged Lea goodbye. He was moving to another
city, one far away. “Thank you for caring” He’d said. And that was the last
time Lea had seen him.
Riku watched Lea as he told him the story, he was full of more conflicted
emotions then he thought he’d be. But he wasn’t an asshole, he could tell it
was hurting Lea to talk about it, half of his rum was already gone and his
words had taken on a tipsy slur.
“He’s the guy in your pictures” Riku said, reaching out and ruffling Lea’s hair
gently.
“Yea” Lea nodded, “You saw those?”
“Yup, the morning when I ditched you” Lea smiled at that, staring back at his
drink.
“He’s a lot happier now, sends me emails sometimes, got a boyfriend and stuff.”
Lea didn’t look angry or upset, just tired. “I’m glad he’s happy. I think he
needed to get away from this place.”
“I can empathize with that” Riku said absently “Leaving the islands helped more
than any rehab did” Lea watched him silently.
“You’re not… mad that I have a thing for guys with problems?” He asked. He
seemed cautious. Riku raised an eyebrow.
“Nah, if anything it shows me you’re the sort of guy I need” He poked Lea in
the nose, a touch of affection that he thought Lea needed right now.
“That’s only half of it though” He sighed, taking a swig from his drink. “Then
there’s the rebound”
“Hmmm, underage, right?” Riku recalled the age issue from the last time the ex
was brought up. Lea nodded sadly.
“I was an idiot, seriously” He looked guilty. “I thought I could help him, but,
well, I was so wrong” He laughed a little, massaging his temple. Riku was going
to reply when he felt a buzz in his pocket.
“Ohhh fuck” He said, pulling his phone out. “Sorry, roommate checking up on me”
He added, seeing Lea’s worried eyebrows. Lea smiled a little at that.
“Good to know you have people looking out for ya”
Oh yea, Riku still hadn’t told him about Sora. Oops. He glanced at the message,
just the standard “where are you? U ok?”Riku typed a reply quickly.
“out w/ the guy I mentioned last time. Looks like I’m officially taken!” He
went to put his phone away, but Sora replied faster than he had expected. He
must’ve been hovering by the phone.
“Lea?” Was all that was written, Riku’s heart seemed to stop for a moment, how
did Sora know his name?
“Ku?” Lea was looking at him with worry, Riku realised his face must’ve changed
with the message.
“I’m fine, just my friend Sora, he knows your name somehow” Riku was looking
back at his phone as he spoke, so he missed the look of shock that came over
Lea’s face at the mention of his friends name.
“Sora Yamaguchi?” Lea’s voice was so hushed that Riku was immediately struck
with worry. He glanced up.
“How did you… how does he?” He stared at Lea, there was something there, in the
back Riku’s head that clicked. He could feel the realization dawn on him with a
pang of horror.
“Oh no”
Roxas.
***** Mistakes *****
Chapter Summary
     Lea reflects on his mistakes.
Lea had decided that he was cursed, cursed or fated to keep falling into
relationships that would never work out. He felt pitiful, head firmly buried
under his pillow and the sounds of his wracked sobbing filling his apartment.
Despite everything, of course something like this would happen to him.
Riku.
Lea closed his eyes tighter, the image of that silver-haired librarian coming
into view. The way his smile lit up his face, his teal colored eyes, his
dimples, the way he’d glance at him with a knowing smirk and the way he looked
when he cried. Despite Riku’s stoic demeanor, he never seemed to be afraid of
showing his emotions when he needed or wanted to.
Lea rolled over, clutching his pillow to his chest and staring at his ceiling.
He didn’t know how Riku was going to take any of this. Maybe he’d call Sora,
maybe he’d just leave. That’s what he’d wanted to do to begin with, just be
left alone. Yet Lea couldn’t stop himself. He never could when it came to guys
like Ku.
Well, he’s not really like the others.Lea thought.He doesn’t really need you at
all, he’s self-confident and acknowledges his issues. Faces them head on.
Unlike you.
Lea breathed deep, trying to calm himself down, but at the same time wanting to
just cry away his own idiocy. Hearing Sora’s name had made him realize how
unprepared he was to face anything that had happened, or what had happened with
Roxas.
He clutched at his pillow, through the fogginess of the alcohol, it was hard
not to let the memories come flooding back.
===============================================================================
 
Lea looked up from his laptop, glancing over the screen at the patient sitting
opposite him. Roxas Yamaguchi. 17, first year, bipolar disorder with a history
of violent outbursts. Right now he was glaring at a pen Lea had left on his
desk, his bright blue eyes locked on it as if he were willing it to move.
“So, you’ve been referred here because of an incident in your dorm, can you
tell me about it?” Lea tried to keep his voice even, he was still getting the
hang of these one on one counselling sessions.
Roxas glanced up with an angry blink, his messy blond hair falling across his
eyes.
“Didn’t they tell you? Why do I need to tell it again? Why doesn’t anyone just
listen to me?” He jumped from one question to the next, angrily pushing his
hair out of his face as he spoke.
“I know it’s hard” Lea said with a sigh “But unlike everyone else, I really
will listen, I just need to hear your version of what happened. Let me know how
you were feeling and what lead up to it”
Roxas leant forward, smirking. “I tried to kill myself, cut my arms up, happy?”
This isn’t going to be easy.
Lea was only in his first year of volunteering counselling, compulsory hours
for anyone going into their PhD. He worked for the university, under an old
psychiatrist named Vexen. The man didn’t know the meaning of the word “warm”
and preferred to keep the offices as chilly as his temperament. Lea liked to
turn the heating in his office up just to offset it.
“I heard you got into a fight with your roommate, can you tell me why?”
Roxas laughed, surprisingly low for someone with such a pitched voice. His
halfhearted chuckle seemed to echo in the room.
“Because my roommate is an asshole” He finally replied.
This really isn’t going to be easy.
Lea studied the blonde for a few seconds before sighing and closing his laptop
with a click.
“Because of what happened, you're required to see me, or another psych, at
least once a week until the end of semester” Lea said slowly, Roxas pouted
slightly in response, his face settling into a frown. “So please, look, just
try and talk through it with me. I can’t help ya if you keep giving me one
sentence answers” Lea finished, leaning back and waiting to see what came of
it.
“You dropped the psych voice pretty fast” Roxas commented softly, looking Lea
up and down with caution. “I got into an argument with him after he talked shit
about my friend”
Lea blinked, he hadn’t expected his rationalizing to actually work. “What did
he say?”
“He just told me he was sick of me talking about her, and that I should try and
shut up for a change” Roxas responded angrily.
Ouch
“So what did you do?”
“I punched him” Roxas said softly, suddenly quiet again.
“You know violence isn’t the best way to handle these things” Lea commented.
“I know!” He spat, glaring up at Lea, “But it made me feel so shit. And then,
after he ran off abusing me, I just wanted to die. I still do, I hate myself.”
He was pulling at the ends of his sleeves, tugging them over his hands and
moving restlessly in his seat. “Lately, I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel
anything.”
Lea noted it down in the back of his head. He seemed on edge, maybe his meds
weren’t working. It would explain the outbursts and the depression. Only
problem was their 30 minutes where almost up.
“I’m worried about you, so I’m going to have to ask you to come back tomorrow
for a longer time. I think we need to review your medication. Is that ok?”
Roxas glanced up at him, before nodding slowly. “Only if it’s you. You're the
first person to ever really listen”
“Ok then, Roxas, tomorrow it is.” Lea had said with a smile.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Lea jerked awake. He wondered how long he’d been out, it didn’t feel much
later, he could still hear the sounds of the band in the bar below. Wondering
what had pulled him out of his memories, he sat up, rubbing the tear stains
from his face. He was sure he’d heard-
There it was again, the sound of someone knocking quite enthusiastically on his
door. It wasn’t Ollie, her usual way of knocking was to sound out drum beats of
her favorite songs. Which meant, then, it must be Riku.
Getting up, still very drunk and feeling like his room was spinning, Lea
plodded to the door. He realized he was afraid to open it, afraid to face
whatever Riku wanted to say to him.
What scared him most was that he felt like he had been there before.
He could remember, after weeks of talking to Roxas and trying to help him deal
with his depression, the student had asked to meet him outside the clinic. By
then they were friends, Roxas seemingly willing to trust Lea, and Lea happy
that Roxas seemed better after changing medications.  
The two of them started meeting in the atrium, sometimes buying each other ice
cream and talking about their days. It hadn’t occurred to Lea that he was
falling for Roxas, or Roxas for him, until it was staring him in the face
holding a vodka and orange.
Roxas had just turned 18, legally allowed to drink but still young by any
stretch of the imagination. Lea often tried to remember why he’d taken him to
the bar. Had he asked about it? Had Lea secretly wanted something to happen? He
didn’t know, couldn’t remember. What he did know was the young blonde had
reminded him of Isa, his temper, his insecurities.
He had just wanted to help, just liked the feeling of making someone that
always seemed sad, smile.
Always picking up strays, right, Isa?
He could remember that night in a blur, Roxas pulling him in for a kiss while
they sat at the bar, the giggling as they stumbled upstairs, the sex. The
morning after where Lea woke in a fog of regret, and then worry when he
wondered how all that alcohol hadn’t affected Roxas’ medication.
It had been so easy to ignore that tug of worry, the growing nagging voice that
had made him start to wonder. It wasn’t until weeks later, as he stared down at
an incident report and felt panic set in his chest, that he realized what a
fool he’d been.
“Lea!”
Lea’s thoughts where broken by the sound of yet another knock, the dull banging
louder than before, and this time accompanied by a voice that made his heart
ache.
“Lea – please – open the door. I know you must feel pretty shitty right now,
but please. I just wanna talk.”
Lea glanced up, he’d somehow found his way onto the floor next to the door, the
sound of Riku’s voice hanging in the air next to him. Before he could even
consider a response, he heard the sounds of shuffling, and a weight setting
itself with a bang against the wall.
“Please” Riku sounded defeated, his voice muffled through the thick wood. “I’m
gonna fall asleep here, going home to Sora isn’t what I want right now”
Lea could feel the urge to cry coming back.
He wondered what Riku would think of him, it seemed like he already knew the
story.
“You’re the psychologist that got him kicked out of uni?”
The look of shock that had come over Riku’s face had been more than enough for
Lea to bear. He was a fable, some awful person that had ruined some kid’s life.
Maybe it was true. But what else could he have done? Just wait until Roxas hurt
someone else, or even himself?
It had been a few weeks after they’d slept together, Lea had been avoiding
seeing him, still confused about whether he really like Roxas, or just the
parts of Roxas that reminded him of Isa. He could remember walking into work,
Vexen meeting him in the hall with a face of anger.
“It’s that kid. Something happened, the police need you to tell them what you
know”
Lea could remember wondering what sort of thing could have happened that
required the police. Was he hurt? Did he try and commit suicide again? Lea was
sure it was his fault, that his stupid actions had pushed Roxas over the edge.
So, when he got to the station to see Roxas in cuffs, he’d realized it wasn’t
him that had been hurt.
His roommate had broken ribs and enough bruising to mean he wouldn’t make his
exams. The police had asked him more questions than he’d wanted to answer. At
first he’d avoided mentioning anything outside of their professional
relationship. But then he’d realized, maybe after they told him about the
outburst, or maybe Lea had already known.
The only way Roxas could keep having these emotional ups and downs, even after
trying so many medications were if-
Were if he wasn’t taking them.
Lea had had no other choice, he’d told them everything, all he could. Roxas had
been lying to him, maybe not the whole time, but at least for some of it.
The medication was helping, he felt way better, he’d keep taking it.
Lea wondered if he’d been pretending to like him, maybe for the sake of
covering up his avoidance and getting through the semester with positive review
from Lea.
He could remember the day Roxas came into the clinic after he was expelled from
Ruges, he had walked right up to him, past the other patients and doctors. His
face set with a look of pain and anger, and hit him.
He could punch alright; Lea had been left with a bruise like no other for over
a week. But it wasn’t the hit that stung him the most, it was how Roxas had
looked at him as he cowered against the wall, nursing the spot he’d been hit;
what he’d yelled as the security had pulled him away.
“If you knew I wasn’t taking them why didn’t you help? Huh?! As if you ever
wanted to! As if you even cared!”
Lea could remember sliding to the floor, Vexen and the other interns running to
see if he was ok; when really all he wanted was to shout back. Of course he’d
cared, of course. But the words didn’t come, just the sting of regret and the
realization that no matter how hard he tried, he’d never helped anyone. Not Isa
or Roxas, no matter how much he wanted to, he always let his feelings get in
the way.
Before Lea could get anymore lost in his thoughts, there was another knock on
his door. It was quiet compared to the others, but the voice that followed it
wasn’t.
“Come on, Lea! You don’t even have to talk… I just wanna know you’re ok”
Lea shivered, unable to ignore Riku any longer, stood shakily, trying not to
fall in his drunk state.
He opened the door.
 
***** Good Intentions *****
Chapter Summary
     Riku puts together the dots, and someone unexpected joins them.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Riku’s month had taken so many ups and downs, he wondered if by the end of it
reading the Red Book would be more comforting than insightful. He was sure his
emotional stability was on the line if anything more happened to compromise
whatever confidence he was holding onto. Thinking back on it, it had been a
rollercoaster; how he’d started out lonely, to meeting Lea and finally deciding
he was willing to give the whole "boyfriend" thing a go, to whatever it was he
was feeling now felt like a muddled nightmare. He wanted to scream, but instead
bit down hard on the side of his mouth, and hammered on Lea’s door again.
The look of absolute disbelief that had dawned on Lea’s face when he realised
Riku’s best friend and roommate was his ex’s brother was one Riku wouldn’t
forget. He was sure his own expression probably had harbored the same jaw-
agape look of horror; in fact even now he couldn’t quite believe any of this
was happening.
“Please no” Lea had gasped, staring at Riku like he’d just hit him.
“Lea, wait a sec, it’s not as bad as-”
“Your roommate is... your friend is…”
“Roxas’ brother” Riku finished quietly, unable to take the anxiety building up
within him once again. “He’s your ex.” Riku said it out loud to himself, “You-
you’re the psychologist that got him kicked out of uni?” Riku looked up at Lea,
who was like a deer caught in headlights.
“Lea-” He was shaking his head slowly.
“If I had known, I wouldn’ have ever- I” His words were slurred from drinking,
but it didn’t seem like being drunk was helping him cope with the situation;
Lea stopped, not looking at Riku, and leapt out of his chair so fast Riku
didn’t have time to grab him “I’m sorry” Riku heard him whimper, before he
pushed past a shocked Olette and ran up the stairs, out of sight. Other patrons
at the bar looked over in confusion as Riku tried to take in what has just
happened. Olette was on him faster than he had time to react, she looked
distraught.
“Oh no nono, I had a feeling he couldn’t do it” She pulled at her apron in
worry “He’s never even told me half of it without breaking down” Riku stared at
her.
“It’s worse than you think” He whispered, his head was thumping with a
repetitive “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” of panic. “He- I, I don’t know what to do”
Riku looked back down at his phone, there were about 5 more messages from Sora
that he was too afraid to open.
“What happened?” Olette asked, lowering her voice with a panicked hiss.
“I – he- we just found out my best friend is his exs brother.” Olette stared at
him.
“What do you mean you just found out?!” Riku shook his head, unable to properly
reply. He handed her his phone shakily. Without saying anything, he watched her
open the messages he’d received, he couldn’t see the screen. Her bottom lip
trembled a bit as she scrolled. “You haven’t read these?”
“Just the first” he replied.
“…and Lea?”
“Just the first” He whispered.
“Don’t” She replied, handing his phone back with the lock screen on.
Riku nodded, he had a feeling he could imagine what sort of things Sora was
thinking. Of course Riku, awful, sordid past Riku would be sleeping with the
guy that ruined Roxas’ life. Of course. Who else? He felt sick, he didn’t want
to upset his friend, but he wasn’t going to walk away from Lea just because
Sora thought he was a bad guy, no way. He had to know the whole story, not just
the whispered words between Roxas and his family.
“I’m gonna go talk to him” He said, looking towards the stairs. Olette looked
shocked
“I’m so glad you’re saying that” She sounded like she might cry. “Here, take
this” it was a bottle of the rum Lea had been drinking.
“I thought there were no drinks upstairs?” Riku asked, smiling as he took it.
“You’re going to need it” She replied as he ran after Lea, two steps at a time.
That was how he’d ended up standing outside his boyfriend of not 5 hours door,
hitting it repetitively, and trying to talk Lea into opening it.
“Lea – please – open the door. I know you must feel pretty shitty right now,
but please. I just wanna talk.” He was leaning against it, sick of standing.
‘Please” He said, hating the feeling of guilt welling up. This was his fault,
how had be not realized? It had been there in front of him the whole time.
Sighing at the lack of response, he tried again.
“I’m gonna fall asleep here, going home to Sora isn’t what I want right now, so
just let me in whenever you’re ready” He wasn’t expecting a response. He
thought for a moment he heard someone moving, but it went away as quickly as it
started, and Riku was left feeling alone again. He stared down at his phone,
knowing that he'd have to face Sora eventually. Realizing he didn't have much
choice, he opened up their chat, his phone screen temporarily blinding him in
the dim light. 
                                     Lea?
               Riku pls listne to me he isnt who you think he is
                          nami told me what happened 
                        he's the psych that hurt rox! 
                      i think it just nort all over again
                               call me asap ok?
                                        
Riku wasn't sure what he was feeling, it wasn't the numb, apologetic guilt he
was usually hit with when Sora worried about him. Instead, he felt jittery, his
heart rate climbing as he reread one particular line of text;
i think its just nort all over again
Biting his bottom lip, Riku leant harder against the old wooden door, his
fingers shaking as he figured what to type. What could he say to that? Lea,
anything like the man that raped and hurt him? He realized he didn't know the
whole story between Roxas and Lea, he hadn't even known the redhead for more
than a week. But somehow, somehow, the idea that someone as nice as the
freckled idiot would hurt anyone as horribly as nort had him - it made him feel
sick. Riku balled his hand into a fist and out again, trying to breathe. 
He had to look at both sides, Sora had been bitter about Roxas' expulsion since
it happened; his brother was a smart kid, smart enough to get a merit based
scholarship, why did he deserve to be thrown out? Of course there had been the
fight with his roommate, the apparent assault against Lea, but didn't that come
down to his mental health? And then, wouldn't that be reason to consider him
for assessment or a second chance? 
Riku stared at his phone for a moment longer, brain still foggy from the
alcohol and lack of sleep he'd been facing over the past week. If it did come
down to Roxas' mental health, wouldn't the decision for him to stay at the uni
or not be down to a psychologist - down to Lea?
Suddenly, things seemed to be falling into place. 
Getting up from his seat against the door, Riku tucked his phone into his back
pocket. He wouldn't be able to respond to Sora without knowing both sides of
the story, and anyway, he couldn't be angry with him for thinking this was him
making stupid mistakes all over again. From Sora's point of view, Lea really
was the bad guy here, and maybe he was right. Even people with a heart of gold
could end up doing things selfishly. 
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
With a sigh, Riku rapped on the door again, the sound echoing around the
concrete walls. 
“Come on, Lea! You don’t even have to talk… I just wanna know you’re ok” He
called with a resigned sigh. 
There was a click and the low squeak of the turning knob before the door swung
inwards. Standing at the entrance, looking disheveled and sheepish, was Lea.
The area around his eyes was red and puffy, cheeks still stained from crying.
Riku regarded him slowly, before stepping inside a carefully closing the door
behind him; Lea stared at the floor the whole time, looking like tears may
threaten him again. 
"Ku, I..." Lea mumbled, still staring at the floor. "I didn't mean for any of
this to happen" 
Riku put the rum down on the table, hesitating before he asked quietly. "What
happened between you two?"
Lea glanced up, at him, sighing to himself before sitting down at the table
near Riku. "I made a lot of mistakes" 
"Tell me." 
"I-" 
Before he could start, there was a tap on the door, it sounded like the beat to
an 90s pop song, although he couldn't be sure. He glanced at Lea, who was
looking towards the sound. 
"It'll be Ollie, she's probably worried." 
"I'll let her in?" 
"Yea" 
She was out of her apron, her black tank and pants still showing stains of
splashed alcohol, green eyes peering around Riku to where Lea sat. 
"Is he ok?" She asked with a hiss, leaning against the door frame. Riku shook
his head in response. "Figures" She said sadly, and then glanced back up at
Riku. "There's someone here asking for you - blonde, my height, looks like she
must've run here"
Riku blinked in surprise. Namine was here? He remembered Sora's message, 
Nami told me what happened 
"Where is she?" 
"Just down there" Olette replied, motioning down the stairs. 
"You bought her up with you?" Riku hissed, looking back at Lea. 
"She said she wanted to talk to Lea, and that she was sorry for telling Sora.
She didn't realise the mistake until it was too late." 
Riku massaged his head, he was too drunk to be dealing with this. But it looked
like he was going to have to. 
"You can both come in I guess. Need some sober heads"
Olette nodded quietly and called down for Namine to come up. She was in her
favorite plain white dress and a travelling coat, her face was tinted pink.
Under her arm was the backpack she carried all her artwork in, she must've
taken it with her when she left the library. 
"Riku" She said sadly, before looking away, eyes averted. 
"It's ok, come in I guess, fun party in here" 
He turned and went back to Lea, whose chin was down in his arms, regarding the
bottle of rum with a look that told Riku he wasn't holding together well.
Glancing back at the girls, who were now making their way to the other seats,
Riku hoped he was making the right decision. 
"Man, the gang's all here" Lea quipped, glancing up at Olette and Namine. 
"Lea... my name is Namine, I work with Riku" She was clutching her bag,
watching Lea sadly. "I also... I also know Roxas" 
"Great" Lea sighed glancing around him.
Riku decided he’d done enough watching, pulling his chair closer to him and
leaning in as he spoke.
“You don’t have to tell everyone the story if you don’t want to”
“Yea! I mean I already have a pretty good idea” Laughed Olette nervously.
Lea shook his head, glancing up at Namine before continuing.
“I’ve been putting off having this conversation for a long time. Nothing will
change if I don’t.” With a sigh, he pulled the rum bottle to him. “Where to
begin, though?”
Riku listened to the story in silence, a tight knot forming in his stomach as
Lea explained how he and Roxas had met. So much for a professional
relationship, no wonder Lea had switched into research. As he told the story,
his voice sounded flat and full of regret, arm often finding his hair as he
pulled at it nervously.
“I thought there was something up, y’know? He was manic, I think, acting really
joyful I mean. It was different to how the medication should have worked. I
should’ve known when he came here with me”
“I remember that day” Olette said quietly. “You both did tequila shots. Ten
each or something?”
Riku felt something tighten in his chest at that. Tequila huh. No wonder Lea
had tried to avoid it back in the bar. Idiot, why hadn’t he just said
something?  
“Yea” said Lea quietly before going on. “After that night, I started avoiding
him – referred him to a different psych”
“He didn’t go” It was Namine, she had been quiet up until then, silently
drawing as Lea spoke. Lea glanced at her, his brows furrowed.
“I- I didn’t know that”
“I know” She looked at him sadly, and then down at her drawing “We met in my
art class, he was taking one as an elective.”
“Then you know what happened?”
“Hm, but you should finish”
Riku and Olette looked between the two. There was something about Namine’s tone
that told Riku she had a lot more to say.
“I got a call… he had been arrested. They asked me what I knew and I told ‘em,
I told ‘em I thought he might not be taking his meds.”
“How can they tell?” Olette asked.
“Drug test” Riku said quietly.
“Hm” Nodded Lea, giving Riku a glance, a small smile flickered on his face
before he continued. “That was it, I wasn’t asked anything more. I went home,
and then a few weeks later, he came to the office and he. That was when he hit
me.”
“You kinda deserved it” Interjected Olette.
Lea grimaced “Yea, I did. It was my fault – all of it.”
“So is there no way you can convince the university to let him back in?” It was
Namine, her voice raised quickly as she leant towards Lea. She was clutching
her sketch to her chest. “You were the psych in charge, you could tell them
about the relationship, and-”
“And lose his job?” It was Olette this time, her lips were pursed. “The kid was
the one that chose not to take his meds and hit a person, that wasn’t Lea’s
fault.”
“But Roxas deserves a second chance! I saw him when Kairi and I visited the
islands on our trip. He’s depressed, he hates not being able to study. If Lea
could say something, he might be allowed back in.”
“Even after a whole year?” Riku asked quietly. He was thinking about his own
problems, about Nort. Both of the girls were right. But then, what should Lea
do?
 
Chapter End Notes
     When I first starting writing this, I was still in Uni, I'd just
     broken up with my bf of 6 years, and I was in a pretty sad place.
     Even with the story planned, it's getting harder for me to keep going
     with what was a very self indulgent fic. It's full of a lot of sex,
     drinking, moping and self reflection. I wouldn't be lying if I said I
     poured a lot of my issues into both Lea and Ku.
     That being said, I'm going to do my best to keep updating until I
     finish, there's nothing I dislike more than a cliff hanger or
     unfinished story. Let me know if there's any other AUs you'd like to
     see, and feel free to leave kudos or a review if you're enjoying it!
     It's the main thing that keeps me going - knowing people take time to
     read my fics.
     TY for the support!
     -Jess
***** Pointing the Finger *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Lea was watching Riku. His boyfriend's - exes? mouth was set in a thin line,
teal eyes dark as he gazed at his hands in thought. Lea could tell he was
trying to come up with a solution, though he doubted it'd be one he hadn't
already thought of. A year of guilt and self loathing had meant he replayed the
events of his relationship with Roxas often; like re runs of an old cartoon. It
filled his dreams and even his waking moments.
If he told the university about his personal involvement, he'd likely lose his
phd funding, his job, maybe even his chances of completing his degree. Not to
mention, on many levels, Roxas had been just at fault as he had. Even if he did
argue his case, nothing would be fixed if Roxas didn't agree to change.
Lea had tried to help, but in the end, he'd been ignored. Roxas didn't want a
psychologist or ex telling him who to be or what to do.
What he needed was a friend.
As if reading his mind, Riku suddenly looked up, regarding Namine. The blonde
had been staring at her art book, quiet since she said her piece. If she had
been a friend to Roxas, the student had never mentioned her, at least not by
name.
"Namine?" Riku spoke up, causing the blonde to look up slowly. Her eyes met
Lea's as she moved to gaze at Riku.
"Yes?" Lea could see her hands tighten on her book.
"You came running here - I thought maybe because you felt guilty about... this.
But." Riku paused, frowning "But you really came here for Roxas, didn't you?"
Olette looked between the two as Riku spoke, catching Lea's eye and mouthing
something he was sure meant she wasn't following. Lea raised an eyebrow,
turning to watch Namine. The blonde was blinking rapidly, and Lea realised she
was trying not to cry. 
"I- I" She sniffed, her calm demeanor suddenly broken. Even though Lea didn't
know her well, he couldn't help but feel bad for her, it looked like she'd been
pulled into this mess too. "You see, this is all really my fault." She sniffed
some more, clutching the sketch book to her chest. 
"How?" Olette spoke up this time, the stern looks she'd been shooting Namine
replaced with a softer gaze. 
At this, Namine started sobbing, her shoulder shaking as she refused to look at
any of their faces. 
Lea was thinking. Thinking back on those conversations he'd gone over a hundred
times; the little tidbits of information he'd strung out of Roxas. On the first
day they'd met, Roxas had fought with his roommate - because of a friend he
had, a girl. Lea could hardly remember hearing her mentioned again, but now he
wondered. 
"I was his friend, and for a time.. more." Namine's words cut through Lea's
thoughts. "Like I said, we met in my art class, an elective for him. He..
didn't know basics, so I helped. We were partnered together." Namine slowly put
down her book, flipping through the pages until they landed on one covered in
small ink sketches. It wasn't until she placed it down that he realised what
they were. Portraits, small detailed lines forming a face Lea knew well. "Over
the semester... we got close. He would open up to me about things. I knew he
was battling things, himself the most." The tears started to dry on her cheeks
as she gazed at the pictures. "I thought I could help him... but I was wrong. I
was just doing it to make myself feel better. I was lonely and he made me feel
like there was someone that needed me. When realised I... pushed him away, and
then all this happened" She looked up at Lea. "I just... I blame myself for
doing this to him! You think it's your fault but, if I hadn't hurt him he never
would've met you. I just... want to make things right" 
Lea didn't know what to say. Roxas had never mentioned her, a girlfriend,
friend, or ex. Just that university had stressed him out, that the drugs made
it hard to focus. Lea looked down at the bottle of rum. Roxas had been hurting
the whole time, and he hadn't told him, he hadn't wanted to. They'd slept
together and then... Lea had left him just like Namine had.
"It wasn't your job to help him." Lea murmured. "It was mine"
Everyone was silent, Lea could hear his clock ticking in the bedroom, the
sounds of the bar downstairs. He felt Riku shift beside him, before feeling the
soft thump of his head resting against his shoulder. Olette reached over and
took the rum, opening it for herself. Namine stared at her drawings. 
Finally, Riku broke the silence. 
"I have an idea"  
===============================================================================
 
Riku was curled up against him, the sound of his breathing filling Lea ears.
He'd insisted on staying, even if it meant Sora would have to worry for a few
extra hours. Lea wasn't sure if he was surprised or not, after everything, Riku
had decided to stay by his side, and Lea was grateful. He thought of Namine,
staying at Olettes for the night until they all convened the next day. Riku's
idea wouldn't work if there were all drunk and tired. 
Lea wasn't even sure if it would work, but he couldn't deny the ashen haired
man had a way with words. He'd convinced Namine to the point she'd hugged him
for several minutes, making Lea tut with drunken amusement, Olette beaming at
the thought of a resolution.
For a girl who really had no idea what was happening, Ollie had held it
together. He would have to thank her after everything blew over.
Tomorrow meant a series of confrontations Lea was afraid for. So afraid, he was
still wide awake as Riku slept soundly. Lea was afraid for him the most, Riku
was risking upsetting his close friends for him, to take his side. If Sora
didn't listen to him, then nothing they had planned would work.
For Lea to apologize to Roxas, for Namine as well; to help him move on, to tell
the university the truths that were most important.
"People are so quick to see the violence and ignore the problems that caused
it" Riku had said quietly. Lea knew he'd been speaking from experience. "If we
show them that you can help Roxas, that it wasn't his fault, that his mental
illness was untreated, maybe they'll let him back in... but first we need to
make sure he's ok. He just.. needs help, right?"  
Lea couldn't argue with that.    
Chapter End Notes
     Probabaly two more to go after this one. I'm aiming to finish by the
     end of this week as I have so many other WIPS it'll never be done if
     I don't do it now!
     Thank you to everyone that messaged me and encouraged me to finish.
***** Reality *****
Chapter Summary
     …mustn’t it be a peculiarly beautiful feeling to hit bottom in
     reality at least once, where there is no going down any further, but
     only upward beckons at best? Where for once one stands before the
     whole height of reality? - Carl Jung, The Red Book
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Pressure and nausea. The overwhelming feeling of anxiety.
Riku knew it too well by now; it drilled into his chest and heart, hurt as he
bit the inside of his cheek from nerves. He knew what he had to do, what he
wanted to say. He'd been wanting to say it for a long time.
He'd read an excerpt from the book once - that dreams and nightmares are just
representations of your psyche - the heart and it's feelings pulling up
distorted versions of reality.
We also live in our dreams; we do not live only by day. Sometimes we accomplish
our greatest deeds in dreams.  
Riku believed that.
He wondered what it meant for him. His last night's dream was a flurry of angry
words and running - always running from the things he was afraid to face.
Running from Lea. Running from Sora. Running from his own feelings. Now he had
to face them all at once, all he had to do was open the door. He paused,
glancing back.
Lea leant on the wall behind him, his arms wrapped around himself as if it
could protect him from reality. Namine stood further down the hall, sketching
quietly, only her tense shoulders betrayed her worries.
"Are you sure you'll be ok?" Lea asked, his bright green eyes caught him before
he turned back to the door and it's foreboding frame.
"Alone? Well - I think you'll be in more trouble than me if you came along" he
smiled back sadly. He was worried about Lea, it was hard not to think he'd
bought back demons that didn't need summoning. He wondered if he'd forgive him,
when all this was over.
Lea's eyebrows crumpled in response, the sad smile returned. He jerked his head
in a nod.
Riku turned back to the door. It wasn't quite like the door from his dreams,
without the bright light or the dark that followed. He hoped this would have a
happier ending than that. When Riku pushed it open, he was met with a rush of
movement that contrast with the quiet of those outside. Sora jumped up from the
couch, yelping his name in shock. Kairi stood just ahead, watching him in
confusion, her hand pulling at her dark red hair.
"Hey guys" The door shut softly.
"Hey..." Sora's large blue eyes bore into him. Riku knew what was coming, he
was going to let it come. "You... got my texts then?
"Yea."
"You know.. I know this wouldn't have happened if I'd told you more about
everything... and Rox. It's not your fault you slept with - him - so it's ok.."
Sora fidgeted with the ends of his t shirt. Riku focused on the movement.
"It's ok" Riku repeated, his voice sounded strangled and soft.
"Riku?" 
"Would it be ok if I told you I'm going to keep dating him?" Dangerous.
Sora’s hands twitched, Riku glanced up enough to see the look of confusion on
his face. He spoke again before he could reply.
“For a long time, you know, I felt guilty. I felt like I was a bad person. I
blamed myself for everything that happened with Xehanort. Some of that - some
of that was because of how you see me” Kairi stepped towards him, a small sound
escaping her. “Stop,” he added, glancing up at both of them. “Let me finish” He
breathed deeply. He hadn't told Lea he was going to do this. But somehow, with
everything, he knew he had to. He hadn't realised how much shame it made him
feel to have the two of them try and keep him coddled, to imply a lack of
trust. Work in a library - it'll be good for you! Be careful of who you date,
who you sleep with. Even if they were just worried about him. Riku didn't need
that kind of help.  
“You never trusted me after everything I went through, even if you said
otherwise, all my decisions after that were tainted. Maybe there’s something
wrong with me. Maybe there was. But I don’t need your condescending attitude
judging my every move!” His voice rose. Too much, he was letting himself get
upset. He needed to be in control to explain things. Of course, things never
went as planned.
Sora and Kairi glanced at each other. Kairi looked mortified, Sora looked sad.
Neither of them spoke. Riku breathed in deep again.
"I - I'm here because... because I want to tell you both sides of the story; I
suppose, for once, I hope that you'll trust me."
===============================================================================
 
Lea stared at his feet. He heard faintly the sound of Riku's voice, but the
walls of the apartment barred him from making out words. Namine stood aways
from him, now sitting on the floor as she sketched. He wondered if she really
knew what she was doing, why she felt the need to be there. Neither of them had
spoken alone, and certainly not about the only thing they had in common.
Lea sat beside her slowly.
"I'm sorry" He murmured, not quite looking at her.
"I knew you would say that. Don't be."
"But-"
"We all look back on things and wish we could change it. All we can do is try
our best to make it better than before. Like this drawing. Each one I do is
better than the last. I could erase the old ones, but then I couldn't see where
i've gone wrong. I wouldn't have a point of reference." She was drawing him -
spikes and eyeliner and all - he wondered if his eyes were really so dark these
days.
"Riku was right, you're very good at.. knowing. You could be a psychologist."
Lea murmured, ruffling at the back of his hair.
"I couldn't, I'm too selfish," She smiled as she spoke.
"Maybe it's honesty. In which case, you really couldn't be. Psychology is all
about lying, manipulating. Even if it's for good."
"You paint yourself as a villain easily. You're not, you know"
"Neither are you."
"Hm"
"How do you think Roxas feels about all this - now?"
"You're the psychologist, you tell me"
"I think he hates me. He's allowed to. I want him to." It came out quickly.
"I don't think he does." She paused, shading in pencil-lea's cheekbones. "When
I saw him, he wasn't even angry at me. He told me once, he used to be angry at
everyone. Now, he's just tired. He wants to study again."
"I want him to, too. But only if he promises to take his medication."
"See, you're not a bad guy. You do care. Someone who could do what you did and
be fine is the bad guy. But you're doing everything you can to make it right,
beating yourself up along the way."
"We'll see what his brother thinks"
"I think you've got a great attorney" Namine giggled.
"Riku... I've gotten him into trouble, too."
"He'll be ok. He's got you."
===============================================================================
 
Sora was sceptical, and Kairi was questioning, even with Riku's version of
events. He told them the beginning to end, starting with the book and the
library and everything that came after. About what had happened between Lea and
Roxas, about Namine.
It seemed Sora's view of Lea was based off an angry version of events told by
Roxas shortly after everything had happened. Riku couldn't help but wonder if
it was entirely fair to think that was the complete truth. Things yelled at the
height of emotion usually weren't the clearest, or the wisest.
He was surprised when Kairi agreed with him, which meant Sora would give Lea
the benefit of the doubt. 
When he neared the end of his story, he realised he hadn't even got to the
point of why he'd visited.
"We... he... they, him and Namine, want to see him. They think they can get him
back into university" Riku said nervously, suddenly worried their plan was
going to fail.
"Wait, really?! He- he'd really like that. But, I mean, I don't know what he'll
do if he sees Lea..."
"I think they both need to talk, clearly" Kairi cut in, nodding sagely.
"I think so to" agreed Riku. "Namine, too"
"I can't believe she didn't tell me they dated... they only talked briefly when
we visited" Kairi said sadly.
"Has EVERYONE dated my brother? Have you dated him too, Riku?!" Sora cried.
"No. Way. In hell" Riku replied, pouting dramatically. For the first time that
day, he grinned. "I honestly don't see what the big deal is"
"Wait.. what?! You once said you'd date me just for my blue eyes. He has the
same eyes as me! Where you lying to me?"
"Hey, hey, hey. What did I say about trusting me?" Riku grinned further, Kairi
laughed, trying to hide it behind her hand.
"Ok, ok you two. This is serious. I... I think we should let them in, don't
you?"
Sora agreed nervously, and Riku quickly called them from the door. They were
sitting together, Lea watching Namine draw. Riku hoped they'd talked.  
"How'd it go?" Lea asked him nervously, Namine gliding past to greet the
others.
"Well... I think. Sora started joking, which is always a good sign" He smiled
up at Lea.
"Let's do this then" He looked nervous, although in a very Lea way that was
somehow still confident. Confident in your nerves. Riku wished he could be that
way.
"I love you, you know" Riku said it on a whim, a rush of warmth hitting him as
he gazed up into Lea's eyes.   
"I know. I love you too" Lea murmured back. They both smiled, two broken people
that made each other feel much less so.
Riku had realised, it was easy to believe everyone else was better than you.
Better at life, at being, at coping. But it wasn't the case, and sometimes the
people that could help each other most were the ones equally lost.  
He lead Lea in to meet his friends, somehow his nerves had lessened. He just
wanted to make things right. 
Sora was cautious, he gave Lea a scrutinizing look as they greeted. Kairi
smiled, she seemed willing to forgive much faster, perhaps because Namine was
smiling too. 
"So you want to see Rox... so you can convince him to take his medication and
hopefully get him back into uni? I think he's already taking it, you know.
After everything happened..." Sora sat on the armrest of the couch, glancing at
the group huddle together in the center.
"I'm glad" murmured Lea.
"I don't know why he wasn't taking it to start with" Kairi sighed
dramatically. 
"It can take getting used to" Lea replied. "The side effects suck"
"I guess I could invite him down, it'll be easier than us all piling into Kai's
car" Sora shrugged. 
"That sounds like a good idea" Riku nodded. 
"It's settled then. Tomorrow, we're having an intervention - make-up lunch!"
Kairi grinned. 
Riku was too nervous to laugh. 
 
Chapter End Notes
     I know it took me longer than I promised. ;w; sorry everyone.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!