Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7992265.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      The_Hobbit_-_All_Media_Types, The_Hobbit_(Jackson_Movies), The_Hobbit_-
      J._R._R._Tolkien
  Relationship:
      Kíli/Thorin_Oakenshield
  Character:
      Thorin_Oakenshield, Kíli_(Tolkien), Balin, Dwalin_(Tolkien), Dís_
      (Tolkien), Fíli_(Tolkien), Dis'_Husband, Glóin_(Tolkien), Óin_(Tolkien),
      Dáin_Ironfoot
  Additional Tags:
      Genderbending, Underage_Relationship(s), Developing_Relationship,
      Politics, Age_Difference, Older_Man/Younger_Woman, No_Incest, Other
      Additional_Tags_to_Be_Added, Feast, Dancing, Jealousy, Internal_Conflict,
      The_Explicit_Part_will_Start_in_Chapter_2, Alternate_Universe_-_Erebor
      Never_Fell, Courtship, Eventual_Arranged_Relationship, Slow_Burn, Dream
      Sex, Wet_Dream, Implied_Masturbation, Misunderstandings, Making_Out,
      Rough_Kissing, Groping, Hunters_&_Hunting, Marriage_Proposal, Wedding
      Planning, Dirty_Thoughts, mentions_of_bondage, Sexism, Post-Traumatic
      Stress_Disorder_-_PTSD, description_of_war, Weddings, Wedding_Night, Loss
      of_Virginity, Love_Letters, Vaginal_Fingering, Vaginal_Sex, Making_Love
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-09-09 Completed: 2017-09-09 Chapters: 6/6 Words: 112393
****** The King's Bride ******
by Ryu_Reikai_Akuma
Summary
     When Thorin’s grip over Ered Luin weakened, he had to consider every
     means necessary to maintain the unity of his kingdom, including by
     marriage. He didn’t mind, until he discovered that his prospective
     bride was much younger than him. However, Kili proved herself to be
     quite a surprising young dwarf worthy of a king, and Thorin found
     himself torn between affection and conscience.
Notes
     I had difficulty with comparing human years v dwarf years. I read
     somewhere that Gimli, who was 63 at the time of the Hobbit, was
     around 18 in human years because he’s not considered old enough to
     go. But, I argue that while 18 is young for modern standard, it is
     more than mature enough in past centuries (which I use as a reference
     in this fandom). So, I decided that 63 is the equivalent of around 16
     years old (still too old, I think, but, well), meaning Kili was 13-14
     years old here.
     If you read the previous paragraph and still want to continue, here’s
     the reason I wrote this fic. There’s a TV show aired here that
     involves a marriage and then relationship (yes, in that order)
     between a teen and someone old enough to be her father. It’s one of
     the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen. I know I’ve written
     disturbing fics before, but I wrote them fully understanding I
     explored some really dark/wrong themes which are unacceptable in real
     life and should remain that way (see: A Little Secret). This show
     really bothered me because it normalizes some of these themes. The
     audience is supposed to just nod and think that it’s completely fine
     to have a kid having romantic moments with an adult. I actually
     choked on my meds when I watched a part of that scene.
     Anyway, special thanks to Top Gear, Sense and Sensibility, and
     Kingsman fandoms for the linguistic inspiration. Without them this
     fic will sound like either a legal document or a research paper. Lots
     of thanks for meleerage for the beta and suggestions and she-who-
     must-not-be-named for helping me research old European dances and
     feasts. This fic is dedicated to people who keep popping up on my
     dash insisting that genderbend fics are homophobic. Watch me explore
     the hell out of a genderbend AU in a novel-length fic, suckers. Now,
     please share my suffering, though I dare say that this is a little
     less disturbing than the awful show above.
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
Erebor in autumn was surrounded by red and gold. Leaves in the rich forest
surrounding the lonely peak changed color in preparation for harsh winter, just
as the residents of the dwarf kingdom did. Travelling merchants and warriors
started to arrive, not wanting to be caught outdoors by the winter. Young
dwarfs took advantage of the last few weeks of pleasant weather as cold weather
reached Erebor early. Soon they would have to contend themselves with the
sprawling but still restrictive walls of the mountain kingdom. Older dwarfs
started to stock up on firewood and preserved food they bought from nearby city
of Dale. Inside Erebor, the mines were busy as usual, their activities not
affected by the changing season. The forges were busy melting precious metals
and spreading warmth across the mountain. Guards and workers attended to their
duties as they did every day, only occasionally commenting about the chilling
air and increasing rainfall when they grew bored. No one complained, however.
Winter could be difficult in some parts of Middle Earth where communities
struggled to survive until the first kiss of spring sun. Fortunately, the
dwarfs of Erebor were well-protected from the elements by old stone walls,
warmed by ever-burning forges, fed by well-stocked supplies, and guarded from
any wicked force by an experienced army of dwarf sentries. Overall, life in
Erebor went on as usual, with barely any worry crossing the dwarfs’ minds.
No one suspected the argument taking place in the king’s study, an argument
which might well change their future. Thorin intended to keep it that way. From
young age, he understood the roles he would assume-first as a prince and then a
king. He knew that he had to share some of his private life with his people,
and he didn’t mind. However, he maintained that some things were to remain
private and the argument he was currently having with his trusted advisor and
closest friend was one of them.
“I still see no point in marriage,” Thorin said with a glare. The table
standing between him and his advisor became an increasingly insignificant wall
of protection against his irritation. This conversation had gone on for too
long and he had grown tired of reasonable arguments.
Balin sighed heavily. He had spent the last hour laying down every reason why
his king should take a wife, but his words fell on deaf ears. As the Durin
kings before him, Thorin was notoriously hard-headed, unbent when he had made a
decision. It didn’t mean he was unreasonable, however, as proven by the
peaceful and prosperous decades under his reign. Unfortunately for Balin, this
stubbornness worked against his purpose.
“You need a successor, Thorin,” Balin painstakingly explained for the umpteenth
time. “You are the only remaining Durin. Who will continue your line?”
“There are Dain and his children,” Thorin said dryly.
“Dain is leading the Iron Hills colony marvelously,” Balin quickly reminded
him.
This didn’t move Thorin. “Indeed. Thus he has proven his capability to lead.”
Unable to argue, Balin took a different approach. “True. But, your people
expect the firstborn son of the king to be his heir, just as you were heir to
your father, and your father to your grandfather.”
“There’s no need for a history lesson!” Thorin snapped, losing some of his
patience. “I am well aware of tradition!”
“Yet you choose to defy it. Why?”
Thorin scowled at Balin. “Have I not spent the past hour telling you?”
Balin nodded. “You are not interested, you have no time for a family, you think
it’s unnecessary,” he recounted their earlier conversation. “All of them are
completely valid reasons. But, have you really thought of how it would not only
benefit you but your people?”
“I have, as you have so kindly reminded me,” Thorin said lowly. “Contrary to
your belief, I don’t devote my mind entirely for my duties as a king. I have
thought of this many times and I have decided not to marry,” he stated firmly.
Balin was quiet for a moment, meeting Thorin’s glare levelly. They had known
each other well since they were little and Balin had helped mentor Thorin when
he was young. They had grown up together, even went to battle together. He
didn’t fear Thorin’s anger. Usually, Thorin appreciated this, as it allowed
Balin to say things Thorin needed to hear but no one dared to say, but today it
irritated him.
“It is not only for your people, but yourself as well,” Balin said gently.
“You’ve been alone for too long. Life as a king can’t be easy. You need a
companion to share your burdens.”
Thorin huffed, forcing his temper to calm. He reminded himself that his friend
would never deliberately anger him. If their argument incited Thorin’s anger,
it’s only because Balin cared for him. “I’m doing well, as you can see. And I
can always unload my burdens with you or Dwalin.”
“But…”
Thorin held up his hand, stopping Balin. He was experienced in negotiation and
was confident he would eventually wear Balin down. However, Balin’s insistence
was unusual. Unlike Dwalin, who took rather great pleasure in prying about the
less savoury sides of Thorin’s life (which he used to have aplenty when he was
young,) Balin was careful to not meddle too much with Thorin’s private life. He
was also more prone to giving in to others’ wishes—something he no doubt learnt
from growing up with Dwalin and Thorin. So, the sudden persistence was out of
character for Balin. Thorin knew his old friend and advisor very well. He knew
Balin was planning something.
“Why are you suddenly interested in my future plans?” Thorin asked, narrowing
his eyes to study Balin closely. “What exactly do you have in mind?”
Balin frowned and pursed his lips, seemingly prepared to spend another hour
talking in circles to convince Thorin to do his bidding. Thorin’s unmovable
look, however, finally broke his resolve and his sighed heavily. Thorin
resisted an urge to crow in victory.
“The new lord of Ered Luin is beloved by his people. Vilir is a just ruler and
kind. The region prospers under his rule as never before. Some dwarf lords have
spoken highly of him,” Balin said.
Thorin frowned. He remembered receiving the news of the passing of the previous
lord of Ered Luin many years ago. They hadn’t been close due to the distance
between Erebor and Ered Luin. Thorin’s communication with Vilir was limited to
formal letters and reports regarding the colony and several invitations to
various feasts that Thorin had refused. The first and last time Thorin met
Vilir was over a century ago, when Thorin visited the region on the behalf of
his grandfather. Thorin’s closest connection to the lord was through Vilir’s
wife, Dis, who was Thorin’s childhood friend. They had been close once, but
their relationship had ceased when he returned from a travel to find her
already sent away to marry a dwarf she had never met. However, Thorin doubted
that this needless argument was about his old friendship.
“Go on,“ Thorin prompted.
“Vilir’s influence in Ered Luin becomes stronger each day. Meanwhile, yours has
begun to wane,” Balin said carefully. He lowered his eyes when Thorin gave him
a sharp look. “It has been a while since the king visited Ered Luin. Though the
people benefit in your rule, they feel rather overlooked compared with closer
colonies, such as Iron Hills.”
Thorin leaned back heavily on his chair, grimacing. He tried to treat his
subjects equally, but he supposed he had been rather unjust. He had to admit
that with his own cousin ruling Iron Hill, he paid the region closer attention
that any other colony. Furthermore, Ered Luin’s distant location often made him
forget to give it the attention it deserves. As difficult as it was for him,
the people’s discontent was justified. Similarly, it was right for Balin to be
concerned that Vilir’s influence in his region would be stronger than Thorin’s.
Though Thorin didn’t think that any of the lords under his reign would dare to
go against him, it still wouldn’t do for his own people to question his
authority.
“It’s an oversight on my part,” Thorin admitted grimly. “Arrange a visit to
Ered Luin immediately. It’s been long overdue.”
Balin nodded but didn’t move. “May I suggest another way to remedy the
situation?”
Wariness grew inside Thorin. He knew this was the true reason why Balin had
argued with him so fiercely. Knowing Balin, this suggestion would likely not be
something he wanted like to hear, but had to. “Of course,” he said after taking
a deep breath.
“I understand that the distance between Erebor and Ered Luin is the main issue
in this situation. Your duties as the king are endless. I know it’s difficult
to take time to visit a region so far away,” Balin started. “So I propose
another solution to this problem. We can’t shorten the physical distance, but
we can reinforce your power there.” Balin gave Thorin a meaningful look. “Vilir
has a daughter of marriageable age. I heard she’s loved by the dwarfs of Ered
Luin as much as Vilir is. A union with her will most benefit you.”
Thorin almost couldn’t withhold a groan. Truly, he shouldn’t be surprised.
Balin wouldn’t pressure him into anything without reason or plan. Of course, he
had thought of this matter beforehand and looked into it closely enough to
propose such solution. In a way, Thorin commended him for considering things he
had overlooked, but as this issue was related to his private life, he couldn’t
help but feel a little sour. He had been very happy when his father finally
abandoned attempts to make him marry eligible ladies decades ago, since Thorin
found it taxing and a waste of time. To face such inanity again, especially at
his current age, didn’t thrill him.
“Your thoroughness in performing your duties is unwelcomed this time,” Thorin
growled.
Balin bowed in concession. “Sometimes the unwelcomed is necessary,” he argued
politely.
Indeed. Even as Thorin scoffed at the reply, he saw the reasons behind Balin’s
suggestion. Though the road to Ered Luin was considerably safer and smoother
than in the past, it still took many weeks to go there—weeks that he couldn’t
afford to spare. He was often advised to delegate some of his tasks to his
advisors, but Thorin believed in doing things on his own as far as possible. He
had seen his father and grandfather dedicating their entire lives to their
kingdom and he intended to do the same. The drawback of this dedication was, as
Balin had pointed out, he paid less attention to some regions than the others.
Further, even if Thorin changed his way of working and left some of his works
for others to attend to, regularly visiting far off colonies such as Ered Luin
was still not feasible. In the reigns of his grandfather and father, this was
solved by sending the king’s closest kin, who could afford to spare their time
in place of the king, to these distant locations, but Thorin was the last of
his line. His closest relative, Dain, was busy with his own colony. There was
no one Thorin could assign this task to. Reluctantly, Thorin admitted that he
did need heirs to help him.
Seeing reasons didn’t necessarily equal to easily resigning himself to a fate
set by someone else, however. Thorin truly wasn’t interested in married life
and raising a family. Further, he wanted to keep one aspect of his life
private. He knew he was to dedicate himself to his people, but this one thing,
the matter of his relationships, he wanted to decide for himself. Thorin wanted
to refuse Balin the way he had refused his father’s attempts to marry him to
various ladies in the past. But, in the past he had been only a prince with
limited responsibilities, while now he was a king with greater duties and
expectations. His failure and strong mind could cost his kingdom a lot. Thorin
couldn’t let his natures disappointed his forefathers and his people.
Annoyed at his defeat, he glared at Balin. “I hope you haven’t been so thorough
that you’ve sent a marriage proposal without my consent,” he snarled.
Balin smiled thinly, hiding his triumph almost perfectly. “I’m hoping to get
your approval before I send an invitation for them to visit us.”
At least he would be able to see his prospective bride first. Perhaps Balin was
wrong and she was merely tolerated instead of liked. If the marriage would make
little change of the situation, Balin would have to hatch another plan and
Thorin could have the unmarried life he wanted. Keeping his hope in mind,
Thorin gave his order, “do send them that as soon as you’re able. They should
like the view of summer in Erebor.”
This should be the end of the discussion, but Balin remained what he was. In
fact he looked nervous now when he should be pleased by Thorin’s consent.
Thorin narrowed his eyes. Whatever made Balin nervous couldn’t possibly bode
very well, especially for Thorin, considering the topic of their conversation.
“Is there anything else?” Thorin asked.
“Yes, in fact,” Balin replied slowly. “It’s the lass’s age.” He paused, looking
uncertain. For a moment, it seemed that he was going to rescind his suggestion.
Unfortunately for Thorin, the moment passed and he became determined again, if
a lot more careful. “She’s only fifty two.”
Thorin froze. “You want me to marry a barely-adolescent dwarf?” he bellowed in
disbelief.
“It’s within marriageable age,” Balin argued. He wasn’t discouraged when Thorin
got up from his seat to pace around the room. “She’s rather young for
commoners’ standard perhaps, but lords and ladies often married young. Why,
only a few years ago Dain married off his daughter who was then barely older
than this lass. You hadn’t minded then!”
Thorin stopped and glared coldly at Balin. “Should I remind you of my mother?”
The retort silenced Balin. Thorin gave him one last glare before returning to
his seat. He rarely talked about his mother, but it didn’t mean he never
thought of her. She had married Thrain when she was barely fifty and
immediately fell pregnant. Unfortunately, her young body hadn’t been able
handle the long and taxing pregnancy. She had been confined to bed for many
months and barely survived the childbirth, losing far too much blood to bring
Thorin to this world. She had never recovered from it and had become very
sickly. When Thorin was but an infant, she passed away due to one of the many
ailments that had plagued her. Thorin had little memory of her, but he took the
lesson of her death to heart, leading him to raise the bar of marriageable age
to fifty a few years ago. He couldn’t completely outlaw the practice of
marrying at tender age as it did give political advantages, but he had no
desire to practice it.
“I can’t marry her,” Thorin decided.
Balin’s shoulders slumped slightly in disappointment. “I completely understand,
though I think you should still consider it as this will greatly strengthen
your political influence in Ered Luin.” Balin sighed. “At the very least, you
should try to rebuild your friendship with Dis.”
As much as Thorin hated it, he had to consider the option still. The unity of
his kingdom was important to him and he would do almost anything to maintain
it. Should he risk a child’s life for it, though? He’d rather not, but he
feared what might happen if he did not. The history of the reign of Durin’s
Folks in Erebor spanned centuries. He didn’t want it to end just because of his
pride and his past.
“Send them the invitation,” Thorin ordered. “I will decide on the matter when
they’re here. And this conversation stays between us for now.”
He barely acknowledged Balin’s obedient bow, berating himself for even
considering such a way to maintain his power. He liked to think that he wasn’t
like other power-hungry lords, but maybe he wasn’t so different from them,
after all. Perhaps he was even worse, as he was willing to risk the life of a
child for his purpose, even if it’s supposedly for the greater good. Just
before Balin left the room, it occurred to Thorin that he didn’t even know the
name of the child who would be brought into this situation. Thorin called out
to Balin, stopping him.
“The child. What’s her name?”
Balin thought of it for a moment. It seemed that not only Thorin was too
preoccupied with political situations to care about what should be the only
thing that mattered. “Kili,” he finally said.
Kili, Thorin thought after Balin left. He tried to picture a child who would
fit that name but he could barely remember how his old friend even looked like.
Well, however she might look and however her character might be, he wished her
luck for what was coming. Thorin sighed and picked up a scroll he was supposed
to read and approve, pushing the thoughts of marriage away from his mind while
he could.
===============================================================================
Dwalin’s visit a few days later was not unexpected. The brothers were tight
despite their differences. No matter how well Balin kept secrets, he would cave
in and tell Dwalin sooner or later, regardless of the fact that he was ordered
by his king to keep the discussion between them. So, when Dwalin suddenly came
into his study without any prior appointment, Thorin immediately knew what he
was there for. Hiding a sigh, he dismissed the guard in the study and put away
the document in front of him. This conversation would require his full
attention.
“I heard you’re planning to marry a child,” Dwalin said without preamble. At
least he made sure that they were alone before speaking this time. He narrowed
his eyes. “I thought you’re not into that sort of thing.”
Coming from anyone else, this behavior would anger Thorin, but he was used to
his friend. They might be king and guard or fellow warriors in public, but in
private they were childhood friends who knew each other too well to be upset
with each other for long. “I’m not planning to marry anyone, child or not. It’s
only an option,” Thorin clarified.
“And you’re considering it.” Dwalin huffed when Thorin gave him a look and a
small nod. He threw himself to a nearby chair, foregoing manners in privacy. “I
seem to recall you being adamantly against this.”
Thorin signed the document and pushed it away before looking at Dwalin. “You
recall correctly. I still disagree with it, but the current situation demands
me to consider it.”
“Vilir,” Dwalin said simply, knowingly. He frowned thoughtfully after Thorin
gave him a nod of confirmation. “I haven’t heard anything about him that we
should be worried about.”
Dwalin’s intelligence, gathered by a vast network of spies spread across Middle
Earth, was very reliable, so this information was encouraging. Thorin nodded.
“Regardless, we should be prepared. Who knows what’s going to happen in the
future.”
“Politics,” Dwalin said derisively. He had always intensely loathed it,
choosing to pursue the dangerous career of a soldier despite his high pedigree.
Some view this as a waste as he could have easily achieved what Balin had
achieved as a politician, but Thorin was grateful. Wisdom and political savvy
should be supported by strong armed force and there was no one better, or
anyone he trusted more, than Dwalin to ensure it. “So, if you think it’s
necessary, you will marry her?”
Thorin took a deep breath to control himself. The thought of marrying a child
still sickened him but… “If it helps strengthen our hold over Ered Luin, I
will.”
Something must’ve shown on his face because Dwalin then said, “But you really
don’t want to.”
Thorin nodded. “It’s not fair for her.”
“I think many lasses dream of being a princess, but I know what you mean. She’s
not even half your age, is she? She’s too young,” Dwalin said gruffly.
“I should have set the limit for marriageable age higher. Sixty at least,”
Thorin lamented, frowning.
Dwalin snorted. “Those lords wouldn’t have allowed it. They barely allowed you
to raise it to fifty.”
Thorin scowled in distaste. These lords were eager to secure any political
influence as soon as possible, betrothing or marrying off their children as
soon as they’re conceivably old enough to stop playing with their toys and
start creating families. He wasn’t stupid—he knew there’s advantage to that—but
he thought the common folks had the right idea by waiting to raise their own
families until they’re old enough to support themselves. However, people didn’t
usually have to worry about political enemies backstabbing them, figuratively
or not, and toppling them from their positions. In politics, it’s important to
secure alliances, and marriage was the most effective way.
“Oin has herbs to prevent pregnancy,” Dwalin suddenly said. “In case you
forget. Or don’t know about it.”
Thorin couldn’t help himself, throwing his head back and laughing. Dwalin’s
tactlessness was both a source of annoyance and amusement to him, doubtlessly
the glue that kept them together after over a century of knowing each other.
This time, after the carefully-worded, tense conversation with Balin, it was a
breath of fresh air.
“He does, doesn’t he?” Thorin mused, chuckling. “I didn’t think of that, to be
completely honest.”
Dwalin quirked an eyebrow teasingly. “It seems that you do need to get
married.”
Thorin made a face. “To a child? I don’t need it that much,” he said without
thinking. He regretted it when Dwalin guffawed, sure to be heard by the guards
stationed outside the study.
“No, not to a child maybe.” Dwalin grinned. “You should go to a tavern with me
sometimes. When was the last time you went to one?”
“Too long time ago.” Thorin gestured to his desk wordlessly, bringing attention
to the many scrolls that required his attention, not to mention the endless
meetings and appointments as there was no shortage of problem in Erebor.
“Should I send someone to bring drinks to you?” Dwalin teased.
Thorin glared at his friend. He knew he could call someone—anyone—to his
chamber, but he wasn’t interested. It had been acceptable when he was younger
and a mere prince, but as a king he had a reputation to uphold. He knew
reputation didn’t stop some honorable dwarfs for pursuing less wholesome
extracurricular activities, chasing any willing young dwarf in taverns whilst
drunk out of their minds, but Thorin preferred controlling himself and not
succumbing to his basest desires.
“Your offer is appreciated, but I think Balin needs it more than I do,” Thorin
said dryly.
Again, Dwalin guffawed, his voice filling the vast room. “You two should go and
have a drink some time so you can commiserate together!” He laughed and let
Thorin frowned and growled about not having anything to commiserate about
before standing up. “I shouldn’t take more of your valuable time. Besides, I
have new soldiers to oversee.”
Thorin nodded. “Try not to kill them by overworking them.”
“I can’t promise anything.” He and Thorin exchanged one last grin and then he
went to the door. Just as he was going to pull it open, he turned back to
Thorin. This time, there was no trace of joke in his face. “If Vilir is stupid
enough to attack you, I will personally lead an army to raze Ered Luin.”
Thorin never doubted Dwalin’s loyalty to him, whether as a friend or as his
best warrior, but the confirmation of it still heartened him. “I know,” he said
simply.
Dwalin bowed his head slightly as a sign of respect. This wasn’t Thorin’s
childhood friend, but a soldier who wouldn’t hesitate to put his life on the
line if Thorin so desired. Thorin sighed heavily after Dwalin left. Despite the
nature of dwarfs and their fondness for battles and weaponries, they were
mostly a peaceful race who only wished to be left alone to mind their own
business. Thorin was no exception. His reign so far had been peaceful, but a
small oversight on his part had led to possibility of potential rebellion. He
frowned, thinking of his fathers before him and the work they had put into
building Erebor into the great mountain kingdom it was today. Thorin couldn’t
disappoint them. He mustn’t fail as a king.
===============================================================================
Summer came far too soon for Thorin’s liking this year. He had been dreading it
since he received a reply from Ered Luin informing him that Vilir and his
family would come to pay their respect to him as well as enjoying the beauty of
Erebor. Throughout winter he had considered his options. Repairing his
friendship with Dis would help, but he wasn’t sure how much. He didn’t know the
extent of Dis’s influence on the politics in Ered Luin or Vilir, so it was hard
to tell whether their friendship would do much to help Thorin’s authority in
the region. Even if she’s active in politics, Thorin must admit the bond of
friendship was rather flimsy when faced with various interests of others. Dis
might still turn against him despite their connection if she believed it
benefitted her more to do so, but she was far less likely to defy him if he was
family.
Thorin sighed heavily. Beside politics, there were other advantages to marrying
Kili. He was nearing the midpoint of his second century. He knew he wouldn’t
live forever and needed an heir. Though he fully believed that Dain would make
an excellent king, Balin was correct in pointing out that Dain had Iron Hills
to manage. Besides, Thorin’s duties to his family extend to more than just
being a good king. He was to continue the royal line of Durin. His forefathers
had built Erebor and developed it for centuries; Thorin must ensure that it
stayed under his family, meaning that he must have a son to succeed him. The
truth was if Kili were older, Thorin wouldn’t think twice about marrying her.
But she’s far too young and Thorin couldn’t quite bring himself to risk a
child’s life.
Vilir and his family arrived one warm day with a small party of attendants and
guards. Thorin met him and Dis in his throne room, under the watchful gazes of
his advisors and guards. Kili wasn’t with them and Thorin was grateful for it
as he wasn’t so eager to meet his prospective wife just yet. He accepted the
gifts Vilir brought from Ered Luin—chests full of precious stones and
jewelries—gracefully and welcomed them.
Vilir was a charming dwarf, polite and quick-witted. He wasn’t looking to win
Thorin’s favor as some lords did. His flatteries were sincere and not over-the-
top, and he genuinely seemed impressed by Erebor and honored to meet his king.
He could easily brag when Thorin mentioned the progress made in Ered Luin, but
he remained humble, crediting his people and those who worked for him for every
achievement. It was easy to like him and, in fact, difficult to view him as an
enemy. Despite Balin’s warnings, Thorin sensed no threat in him. He supposed
it’s better to be safe than sorry, but he still preferred forming an alliance
with Vilir to competing with him for power.
Dis was… not exactly as he remembered. Although, to be fair, it had been far
too many decades since they last met. She’s more subdued now, standing demurely
beside her husband. Thorin would’ve thought her submissive if not for the way
Vilir constantly glanced at her for approval, which she gave discreetly but
whole-heartedly. The fire inside her that had made her get along well with
Thorin in the past was still very much present, though better-controlled.
Thorin smiled to her and received a mischievous smirk in return. He had a
feeling restoring their friendship wouldn’t be difficult.
They talked for a while about the weather and the road but the idle chat didn’t
last long enough. Thorin sent them away to rest in their chambers and invited
them and their children to join him later for dinner. Despite his encouraging
initial assessment of Vilir and Dis’s characters, he knew he should still
consider the possibility of marriage. It made him uncomfortable, especially now
that he had met the child’s parents, but he was a king with heavy
responsibilities. He hoped that if he chose to take the dreaded route, Vilir
and his family would understand.
The dinner was to be a mercifully small event. Thorin could have thrown a feast
to welcome the famous lord of Ered Luin, but considering the true intention of
the event, he elected for an event as private as possible. There were guards
and servants and Balin was most likely only a room away, ready to intervene if
he deemed the night not going as it should, but they wouldn’t watch Thorin
critically as he tried to determine whether marriage was worth pursuing. It’s
only a small comfort, but Thorin took what he could, considering the situation.
Thorin met Vilir and his family in a corridor leading to the dining room. He
caught a glimpse of two young dwarfs but resisted the curiosity to have a
better look at them. He might be considering being a part of their family, but
for now he was their king. Affecting indifference, Thorin approached the
family. Vilir and Dis bowed to him respectfully when he reached their side.
“Did you have proper rest? I trust your rooms are to your satisfaction,” Thorin
asked.
“They are. The view from there is also very enchanting. Thank you for your
generosity,” Vilir replied politely. He glanced behind him and smiled. “Allow
me to introduce you to my children.”
At his prompting, two young dwarfs stepped forward. One was a male, a splitting
image of Vilir. He was dressed a little too old for his true age, but he seemed
almost entirely comfortable in it. He looked at Thorin with a cross between
admiration and courtesy. When he smiled, his eyes glowed and his cheeks dimpled
charmingly. Thorin could tell he would be as loved as his father when his time
came to replace him.
“This is Fili,” Vilir said, a note of pride in his voice. Seeing the way Fili
bowed deeply to Thorin with perfect courtesy, Vilir deserved to be proud. “And
this is Kili,” Vilir continued, looking at the young lass standing next to
Fili.
Despite his efforts, Thorin couldn’t help but pay closer attention to Kili. Her
blue dress was slightly more fitting for her age than Fili’s outfit, reminding
Thorin of how painfully young she was. However, despite being younger, she was
almost as tall as her brother, almost reaching Thorin’s shoulders, though she
was slimmer than him. In fact, she’s a little too slim, not to mention
relatively hairless, compared with the rest of her family. Unlike Fili, she
showed little sign of admiration to Thorin. Her eyes were sharp as she studied
him from top to bottom. The gaze was so intense that Thorin had to resist the
urge to fidget in self-consciousness—how silly would it be to be nervous to be
a young lass’s scrutiny! It was difficult to tell what’s on her mind because
she then curtseyed and when she looked up again, she was smiling brightly. The
change was so abrupt that Thorin blinked in surprise. His first thought was
that it was a lie, that Kili thought poorly of him as any juvenile were wont to
think of those older than them, but he didn’t sense any insincerity in her
expression.
“At your service!” both dwarfs chorused.
Thorin nodded to them, feeling a little out of sorts. He turned to Vilir and
Dis, instead. At least with these two, he knew how to act. “Shall we?”
The dinner went smoothly. Vilir and Dis were excellent conversationalists and
their children were well-behaved. Thorin found himself unexpectedly enjoying
their companionship as he was used to having dinner alone. A layer of formality
was shed after the second course of meal and Dis began to reference to their
childhood. She still held back on some mischievous episodes, which she clearly
still remembered if the glint of her eyes was any indication. But, seeing as
they were surrounded by tattling guards and servants, Thorin was grateful. He
should arrange to spend time with them in private, even if that meant taking
some time away from his duties. Perhaps he should invite them for tea or give
them a tour of his kingdom. Seeing as they’re at the end of spring, perhaps he
should enjoy the fine weather and take them out to see the richness nature had
given Erebor. Dale also was sure to entertain them with the rich cultures and
market that sold goods from across Middle Earth.
This train of thoughts was interrupted by an unshakable feeling of being
watched. Thorin frowned, searching for the source of it, only to meet Kili’s
intensely curious gaze. Again, that nagging feeling of self-consciousness
returned but Thorin ignored it in favor of talking to Vilir. He smiled and
nodded as Vilir waxed poetic about spring in Ered Luin (“Not as beautiful as
Erebor, of course!” he hastily added) and its green forests and blue marble
halls, but the weight of Kili’s gaze continued to distract him. Even when he
discreetly looked back at her, a clear signal that she should stop, she kept
staring at him. Thorin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, regressing slightly
to his less-confident younger days, and then getting irritated that he
regressed at all. There was no reason for a king to be nervous under a child’s
attention.
“Is there something you want?” Thorin asked Kili not quite unkindly, unable to
ignore the stare for any longer.
Kili seemed unbothered by this, unlike her parents and brother, who looked at
her in alarm. “Is it true that you killed your father?”
Thorin’s eyebrow rose high up his forehead. The lass was brazen. Too upfront,
perhaps, but Thorin was curiously not affronted. Balin often (gently)
reprimanded him about his boldness in diplomacy, especially when his patience
was running thin and the meeting was running long. There is etiquette to
politics, chiefly of which is to remain deceptively polite even when all you
want is to take your sword to someone’ throat. That means speaking in circles,
in words that won’t directly offend, but still have undercurrent of contempt.
Thorin never really liked it, preferring to be blunt with his thoughts, and
Kili seemed to share that with him, though in her case there was curiosity in
place of contempt. At least that’s what Thorin thought. The intense way she
kept looking at him made him doubt that, but the sweet smile she had given him
earlier was nothing short of genuine.
“Kili!” Dis admonished her daughter with wide eyes. “Apologize to his majesty
this instant!”
“Forgive her, she’s only a child,” Vilir quickly said on his daughter’s behalf.
“She still has much to learn in manners. She doesn’t mean to offend you!”
No, she didn’t mean to offend. Thorin watched Kili look at her parents and
brother with a confused frown, as if not understanding why they were so upset.
But, there was no doubt that she knew what she was asking. Kili turned back to
Thorin with one eyebrow arched, fearlessly expecting for him to respond. A
smile tugged at Thorin’s lips. Young age notwithstanding, Kili was a true dwarf
lady.
Thorin held up his hand, stopping both Vilir and Dis. A tense silence enveloped
the table as he met Kili’s eyes squarely. Brave but careless, she was both a
menace and a beloved imp. Thorin had a feeling she would be difficult to
handle, but he would enjoy the challenge. Already, he felt a small part of his
heart softening. Thorin wasn’t so easily won, however. Kili had to be more than
thoughtlessly bold to really earn his favor.
“Where did you hear that from?”
Kili shrugged. “People talk about it. They say your father died suddenly
without showing any previous sign of sickness.”
Did people really entertain such outrageous ideas? Well, Thorin supposed there
were always those who tried to explain what they didn’t understand by creating
fictions. “He did pass away suddenly,” Thorin admitted. “But it’s not true that
he wasn’t sick before that.”
“Everyone said he wasn’t ill,” Kili insisted.
Was Kili trying to frame him for murder? The idea nearly made Thorin laugh, but
he supposed there was truth in her words. “He was a very determined and
responsible dwarf. He didn’t want others to be worried of him so only few knew
about it.” Kings do have a certain image to uphold.
“What kind of sickness was it?”
“Old age,” Thorin said simply. There were a host of ailments that Thrain had,
but she needn’t know the details. At least not with all these listening ears.
The reply didn’t satisfy Kili, however. She frowned deeply in thought. “Just
old age?”
“And old battle wounds,” Thorin said after a while, conceding that much
information. After all, it wasn’t a secret that Thrain was wounded in the
battle. “He didn’t leave Azanulbizar unscathed.” Neither had he, but they
weren’t talking about him.
The mention of the infamous battle that had claimed many lives seemed to
surprise Kili. She might not have been born when it happened, but as any other
dwarf, she had heard of it sung in cautionary songs that mourned those who
perished in it and warned those who survived it. Perhaps she had even seen its
reminders in physically and mentally battle-scarred warriors. “Was he in pain?”
Kili asked, sounding worried.
Thorin thought back on the last few months of Thrain’s life. He had claimed to
be completely healthy despite what the healers’ claims. His routine had been
unchanged: waking up early to work on state matters until late in the evening,
with very little breaks in between. He had claimed no pain or discomfort but
Thorin knew that when no one saw, he cringed and gasped. It had been painful
and his lack of rest hadn’t helped. However, when Thrain passed away with
Thorin at his bedside, he had had a smile on his old face and later on Thorin
found clasped in his stiff hand a locket containing a picture of Thorin’s
mother. Thorin shook his head. “He passed away peacefully.”
Kili bowed her head. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, not for her rude question but
for bringing back Thorin’s memory of his father.
Thorin smiled at her. Most others would be scared for their lives by now, but
Kili seemed more worried about causing Thorin unintentional hurt. He wasn’t
hurt—it had been decades and Thrain died an honorable king—but he still
appreciated the sentiment. Was Kili foolish, kind, or both? Thorin couldn’t
decide yet.
“It’s all right. It was many years ago. Before you were born, in fact.”
Hearing the implication that she was called a child, Kili looked up, eyes
shining with annoyance. But, Dis stepped in before her daughter could say more
offensive things. A pity, Thorin thought. He would like to see how far Kili’s
youthful bravery would go.
“Your father was a fine king. I still remember when I first saw him at a
party—that was the first time we met, as well, wasn’t it?”
Rather reluctantly, Thorin turned his attention to Dis. They reminisced their
childhood fondly and by the end of the dinner, they had restored their
friendship almost completely. Thorin would like to think that the newly-
regained friendship was more than sufficient for his objective, but he was
still doubtful. Friendship was every so fleeting in politics. Furthermore,
after seeing how much love Vilir had for his people and home, it seemed very
likely that he would side with them if they were displeased with Thorin’s rule.
Much to Thorin’s dismay, he must still consider marrying Kili to solidify this
authority. While the lass was not quite what he expected, he was still
painfully aware of her age and her apparent naiveté. Thorin slept restlessly
that night, haunted by thoughts of sacrificing a child’s future for his
kingdom.
===============================================================================
A picnic in a field was arranged a couple of days after Vilir’s arrival. Thorin
actually would rather not go, but he had been busy in his study and having
discussions with Vilir since he arrived and thus hadn’t been able to spend much
time with the rest of Vilir’s family. As much as the thought disturbed him, he
understood that it’s important for him to be spend time with them, so that he
would be able to decide his next course of action, even if it meant leaving
some of his works to his advisors and leaving the familiar walls of Erebor.
Spending time in a field, basking in the sunlight, wasn’t Thorin’s idea of fun.
He was more accustomed to the shelter of the mountain and a wonderful view of
his territory from a distance, but he hadinvited Vilir’s family under the
pretext of enjoying the summer there. Balin had taken Dis and her children on a
tour of Erebor for the past two days and Thorin heard they were pleased by what
they saw, but it was time for a change of scenery—as much as he loved his
mountain home, he had to admit that staying indoors in such fine weather was a
waste. So, he joined the family as they rode ponies in a field near Erebor. The
location was quiet, being far from the eternally bustling life in Erebor, and
the view was spectacular, overlooking the city of Dale. Thorin used to spend a
lot of time there with his friends in his youth, play-fighting and racing
ponies. He rarely went here now, but the place still held a special place in
his heart.
“Oh, I loved this place,” Dis sighed happily. “I went with you and your friends
here a few times. Do you remember that?”
Thorin smiled at her. Their old friendship had slowly slid back into place,
making him more relaxed around her. That they were relatively alone—guards and
attendants staying a few paces behind them and Vilir and his children racing in
the distance—made it easier for him to talk to her. “Yes. You always insisted
on joining our competitions.”
“And I excelled in them!” Dis said proudly.
“Indeed!” Thorin laughed. They had been close because of their fondness for
physical challenges. That had been a simpler time that didn’t last long enough
for Thorin’s tastes. It seemed that far too soon they had grown up and had to
take on more complex tasks of adulthood. Thorin especially had to grow up
faster than his peers. When his friends were still enjoying their slowly
diminishing youth, he had already been sent to various regions to the
representative of the king, tasks which required a level of seriousness his
peers hadn’t been subjected to. He had been so focused on these that he hadn’t
realized he had only a handful of friends left until it was too late. “Have you
met Dwalin? He’s still sore about that time you managed to defeat him in
wrestling.”
“Oh, it was just one time! He defeated me every other time!”
“You know how he is. He wants to be the best when it comes to battle,” Thorin
smiled.
“Has he not changed?” Dis asked in disbelief. She laughed merrily when Thorin
shook his head.
“You have changed a little,” Thorin observed.
Dis chuckled looking at her family fondly. “Family life changes you.”
There was nothing Thorin could say to that, being unmarried and without child,
so he nodded politely. “Vilir seems to be a good dwarf,” he commented politely.
“He is.” Dis’s eyes shone when she said that. “I’m so lucky to be married to
him.”
They stopped and watched Vilir, Fili, and Kili in silence. Vilir was clearly a
doting father, frequently stopping to ruffle his children’s hairs or patting
their backs. He cheered for both of them equally as they raced across the field
and gently corrected their mistakes. Fili was obviously an obedient son,
listening to his father’s words intently. It didn’t mean he was too serious,
however, as he teased his sister often. He seemed to care very much for Kili,
as well, immediately rushing toward her when she almost fell off her pony in
her exuberance. Kili, meanwhile, well…
Excitable was a word to describe Kili, careless was another. She raced her
brother with single-minded determination that Thorin could sense even without
being near. The determination sometimes almost injured her, as she nearly fell
a handful of times, but her skill saved her—or perhaps luck because she seemed
almost surprised whenever she found herself still atop of her pony at the end
of each race. Kili laughed loudly, in a not at all lady-like manner that
perhaps should’ve invited a scolding but only made Vilir and Fili smile. It was
infectious, her dazzling smile. There were warmth and openness there, making
her likeable and approachable. Her mischievous grins were hints of her
remaining childishness, but the way she focused her goal and listened to her
father showed a glimpse of her grown-up side.
Tired of racing, Kili led her pony to a slow trot around the field. In this
relaxed manner, she seemed almost like a proper lady. There was quietness to
her, although it shouldn’t be mistaken for demureness. Kili stopped near the
ledge overlooking Dale and looked at the city curiously. Her hair was blown by
the strong wind but she remained steadfast on her perch on the saddle.
Strangely, she brought to Thorin’s mind the image of a conqueror inspecting a
land they were to seize. In her case, however, he thought there was no need for
her to use force. If she learned to better behave herself, no doubt she would
win people’s favor the way Vilir had won his people. Thorin idly wondered what
would happen if she were introduced to the social circle of highborn lords and
ladies of Erebor.
“Is she to your liking?” Dis asked.
Thorin looked at her in surprise, but Dis refused to meet his eyes, looking at
her family, instead. “She’s quite a dwarf,” he replied carefully.
“Indeed,” Dis agreed, smiling slightly. “I understand her… boldness could
offend, but if you would give her a chance, you would see she can more than
make up for her indiscretion.”
The meaning behind Dis’ words was unmistakable. Thorin frowned, displeased that
he had given his plans away. “I was sure Balin hadn’t been thoughtless with the
invitation he sent you,” Thorin said dryly. He had examined it before approving
it to be sent, not wanting to come off as too forward in this delicate
situation.
“The invitation was perfectly gracious. But, if I may be completely honest, I’m
not a fool, Thorin. I know you didn’t invite us here only for a vacation.”
Thorin sighed quietly and glanced behind them to make sure the guards and
attendants were still out of range of hearing. “Does she know?”
Dis shook her head. “My husband and I decided to keep it quiet for now since
you haven’t exactly made your intention clear.”
It was wise, seeing as this was officially only a friendly invitation with a
dab of political agenda. Unfortunately, as with many things, things aren’t
always what they seem on the surface. Thorin should know after all his decades
as a king. “I’m not sure about my intention yet,” Thorin admitted. Perhaps he
shouldn’t have revealed this, but it didn’t feel right to lie to Dis after
repairing their friendship.
They both looked at Kili. The lass had now turned her attention to Vilir and
Fili while they seemed to be in a serious discussion on the architecture of
Erebor, if all the pointing at the mountain was any indication. She joined them
shortly and said something that Thorin couldn’t hear but earned her pats on her
head by both her brother and her father. Her pleased smile shone despite the
distance and Thorin was hard-pressed not to smile as well.
“She’s a good child,” Dis said. “She needs some improvements, but she’s a good
lass.”
“I take it you don’t mind this situation?” Thorin asked warily.
Dis took a deep breath. “I can’t think of a better suitor,” she said carefully,
bowing her head as a sign of respect.
Thorin frowned at Dis. It’s true that he was a king, but there were other
things to consider when it comes to marriage, such as personality,
similarities, and age. Thorin knew he wasn’t the easiest dwarf to be with. Dis
should know this although they hadn’t spoken in decades. Kili’s age was also a
huge issue—she was young enough to be Thorin’s daughter! The fact that Dis had
married at a tender age to someone she had barely known then might have
influenced her perception of such thing. However, Thorin thought she should be
more cautious in these matters as it would affect her daughter’s life. Not
every arrangement similar to the one Dis had ended happily, after all.
“That still remains to be seen,” Thorin said.
Dis was going to argue but they were distracted by Kili’s approach.
Specifically, by her appearance as she approach them. “Look at your hair!” Dis
cried in dismay. She reached out to Kili’s hair where the pretty braids she had
worn when they came to the field earlier had disappeared or went skewed. Beads
hung at the end of her hair and there was little doubt that some of them had
fallen somewhere in the field. Thorin would have people search for them later,
after they finished their outing.
Kili frowned and tried her best to evade her mother’s hands without dismounting
or falling from her pony. “It’s all right!” she insisted fruitlessly.
“No, it’s not all right!” Dis huffed. “All that effort braiding your hair…” she
complained.
“I’ve told you there’s no need to braid it so elaborately!” Kili continued to
protest. Then, unexpectedly, she met Thorin’s eyes over Dis. “Even the king
only has two small braids!”
“Kili!”
Thorin held up his hand to stop Dis. He studied Kili carefully. Was it meant to
be an affront? No, he didn’t think so. Her wide eyes suggested innocence, but
there was mischief hidden in there as well. She knew how her observation could
be construed as an affront, yet she still said it. Was she trying to get a
reaction out of him? What kind of reaction did she want? “Let the child speak
freely.”
As before, Kili frowned at him. “I’m not a child!” she protested quietly but
sternly.
“But not an adult, either,” Thorin countered. He smirked when Kili scowled at
him. He should be offended—with any other person he would be offended—but with
Kili he let it slide, his curiosity getting the better of him. He supposed it
helped that she looked silly with her pout and ratty hair. “Ladies of the court
usually have their hairs ornately braided and accessorized. But, considering
how lively you are, I suppose a simple do would be more fitting.”
The switch from a scowl to a wide smile was almost blinding. Kili beamed at
him, brighter than she had in their first meeting. Thorin found himself unable
to resist returning the smile. Vilir family had brought some joy into Thorin’s
admittedly dull and tedious life. Vilir and Dis proved to be great companions
and Fili impressed him with his maturity, but neither of them could rival
Kili’s infectious sunny disposition. Though her poor manners should offend,
it’s impossible to be upset (at least for a long time) when faced with her
disarming smile. Thorin chuckled when Kili removed her remaining braids, much
to Dis’s consternation. However, neither Kili nor Thorin minded her. Her hair
finally free of beads, Kili sighed loudly in relief and grinned to Thorin.
“You’re really quite energetic, aren’t you?” Thorin took in Kili’s wild hair
that’s bound to get even wilder considering the wind. It suited her better than
her previous looks, he decided.
“Too energetic,” Dis muttered.
Kili laughed. “Only as much as Fili is!”
Thorin pretended to hum thoughtfully. “Somehow I doubt it,” he said without
venom, smirking at her.
Another smile was shot at Thorin. “I quickly grow bored inside our hall in Ered
Luin. There’s not much to do there… Well, there are things to do but none that
I’m interested in.” She looked at Dis impishly, prompting Dis to shake her head
in exasperation.
“So you like the outdoors? I can’t say I share that preference.”
Save for trainings, battles, and official (theatrical) duties, Thorin rarely
left the mountain. There were days he wondered how it would feel living in
foreign cities or wandering around Middle Earth, but he quickly dismissed the
curiosity. Erebor had everything he might need and he was used to the safety of
its walls and the peace in its darkness. While he had no aversion to the
outdoors, just as any dwarf, he couldn’t resist the draw of the earth,
preferring to spend his time in the depths of mines instead of green forests.
“I can see that. You’re quite red already,” Kili said mischievously.
Thorin raised an eyebrow at her and then laughed. He didn’t need a mirror to
know that his skin was flushed after a mere hour in the sun. It’s a drawback of
spending so much time inside a mountain, but most dwarfs of Erebor also had the
same response to being outdoors for an extended period of time, so he didn’t
think much of it. Trust Kili to bring that to attention.
“I am, am I not?” he idly wondered, smiling at her. “You, on the other hand,
seem barely affected,” he said, noting that the sun seemed to have only kissed
Kili’s cheeks, leaving them slightly rosy whereas no doubt he looked almost as
red as a rose.
Kili grinned. “I’ve told you, I love the outdoors. We have a garden in Ered
Luin and I spend a lot of time there when I’m not allowed to go with Fili.”
A dwarf lord family tending a garden? How unusual. Most lords’ version of a
garden was winding labyrinth of tunnels covered from top to bottom with
beautiful carvings of secret symbols and scenes from the past. Erebor, too,
prided itself in its endless deep mines and beautiful corridor, but it had no
garden. “Tell me about this garden,” Thorin demanded curiously.
“Oh, it’s the most beautiful garden. I’ll let you know all about it, but first
we must find a shade for you.”
Taking the teasing in stride, Thorin chuckled quietly and led them a spot under
a tree that their attendants had prepared for them. Once settled, Kili began
her story. The garden, according to her, was located high up in the mountain,
in a small plane accessible only through winding stairs and tunnels. There were
flowers of every kind there, but she seemed to have little interest in them,
glossing over that particular detail to talk about the trees her forefathers
had planted a long time ago. Dis shook her head in exasperation when Kili
fondly recalled climbing the trees as a child, but Thorin only laughed. He was
more of a rock climber than a tree climber himself, but he understood the
attraction of being high above and the challenge of getting there and returning
back down safely. He shared this understanding with Kili, winning a wide smile
from her.
Vilir and Fili joined them at some point and they had lunch together while
talking about the nature in Ered Luin. It seemed that love of trees and plants
and animals ran strong in Vilir’s family as he and Fili, too, expressed their
love for spending time outside of their hall. Thorin only listened with
amusement as Vilir and his children listed the beauty of the great outdoors. He
couldn’t say he was converted, but he still respected their preference, not the
least because it made Kili beamed brighter than the sun and went on to tell
tall tales of her adventures (some of them, worryingly, were confirmed by
Fili’s nods.) So distracted by the stories as he was, Thorin didn’t realize how
quiet Dis had been until he caught her speculative gaze. She said nothing but
there was a question hanging in the air, nevertheless. Thorin offered her a
smile and turned back toward her family—or rather one particular member of her
family. He still hadn’t made a decision, but he couldn’t deny he was warming up
to the thought of having Kili’s company.
===============================================================================
The longer Thorin spent time with Vilir, the more affinity he had for him.
Vilir proved himself to be more than a capable leader. He impressed Thorin so
greatly in their discussions that Thorin almost regretted that Vilir lived so
far from Erebor, making it difficult to have him as an advisor. He could send
letters to ask for advice, of course, but it’s terribly inefficient and time-
consuming. He could also ask Vilir to move to Erebor permanently but it
wouldn’t be right to deprive Ered Luin of their brilliant lord. Regardless of
what the dwarfs of Ered Luin thought of Thorin, he still wanted prosperity for
them and Vilir delivered that very well. So, Thorin took the opportunity to
discuss with Vilir any issue he still hadn’t solved or felt was coming. In
turn, he listened attentively to Vilir about any discontent in his region and
gave him his words that he would solve it immediately. Balin warned Thorin
about revealing or promising too much to Vilir, but Thorin was increasingly
confident that Vilir could be trusted. Besides, wasn’t it better to create an
ally rather than an enemy?
Thorin also became close again with Dis. There were differences, of course. Dis
was now a wife and mother and Thorin the dwarf king. They couldn’t simply leave
their responsibilities behind at will. However, it’s not less enjoyable to
spend time drinking tea whilst talking about their changed views of the world.
It might be less carefree than what they used to do, but one could still
briefly escaped one’s burdens in these quiet moments when the world slowed down
for a moment. It also helped when the company was as pleasant as Dis, with whom
Thorin still had many things in common. They laughed as much as they talked
quietly in contemplation about life or politics. It didn’t surprise Thorin at
all when she inadvertently revealed that she played a bigger role in the
governance of Ered Luin than what appeared on the surface. Her sharp mind and
kindness were a match to Vilir and with them working together, Thorin was sure
that Ered Luin was in the right hands.
While Thorin rarely spent time with Fili, he still approved of what he had
seen. For his young age, he was unusually interested in the workings of a
government. He listened carefully to every word Thorin and Vilir said about
their duties, no doubt taking notes in his mind. Thorin would’ve been worried
that he’s too serious, not taking enough time to enjoy fleeting youth, if not
for his mother and sister, both of whom were determined to distract him from
the dullness of politics before he had to fully immerse himself in it. With
them teasing him relentlessly, he would eventually give in and join whatever
play they desired. Thorin would have sent him to be mentored by Balin if not
for his concern that the lad was maturing too quickly. Fili would have much
time to polish his leadership skills and learn from others’ experience. For
now, he should have some fun, for one day he would have little time for it.
Besides, Thorin suspected Kili wouldn’t be too pleased to hear that her brother
was to spend time away from her and Thorin would hate to displease her.
The thought of Kili always brought confusing emotions to Thorin. He was all too
aware of the decision he had to make, the decision that would change and even
risk her life. It sickened him that he had to consider it, but at the same time
he couldn’t deny growing increasingly fond of her. Try as he might, he started
to look forward to meeting her. Every time Thorin saw her, whether walking down
the halls with her mother or brother, or leaning dangerously forward in some
balcony so that guards watched her in fear for her life, he was filled with a
foreign sense of excitement. She was never in shortage of stories, some of
which so fantastical that Thorin wouldn’t have believed them if not for the
fact that he knew the unembellished truths contained within them. Kili had an
unexpected wealth of knowledge that she disguised as jokes and tales to
entertain. This secretly impressed Thorin, who admittedly initially thought she
was foolishly self-absorbed as many youths were. He was wrong, however. As
proven by their many conversations, Kili did pay close attention to her
surroundings, from workers deep in the mines of Erebor to dwarf lords
impatiently waiting for Thorin’s audience to inform him of their various
concerns, from busy hallways and tunnels to secret passages few knew of.
Whenever they were together, Thorin was enraptured by what she had to say and
parting from her to attend to his duties became increasingly difficult every
day.
An adventurer at heart, Kili had taken to exploring Erebor. Thorin was regaled
with stories of her visits to various parts of his kingdom, some of which he
wasn’t sure he had gone to. It seemed that she enjoyed Erebor despite its
distinct lack of trees and gardens. In their absence, she turned her attention
to terrorizing the residential area of Erebor. By every conversation they had,
Kili seemed to have memorized more and more of Erebor, going so far as some of
the deep mines where only workers went to. This was most worrying, but she
dismissed his concerns when he voiced them and vehemently refused his offer to
assign her a guard or at least a guide. She claimed that it would only hinder
her attempts to talk to people. This drew Thorin’s attention most of all. It
was rare for anyone of her standing to bother with the common folks. Thorin
wondered how his people reacted to Vilir’s unusual daughter. Would they like
her as much as her people did? It seemed almost unthinkable for anyone to be so
heartless as to dislike someone with the purest intention to build friendship,
as Thorin himself was discovering.
Dwalin raised an eyebrow when Thorin asked for some of his spies to be
installed around Kili, but he didn’t argue or question him. Thorin was
grateful, as he wasn’t ready to explain himself, nor was he able to. He tried
to think of the situation logically, weighing the advantages and disadvantages
of pursuing a political marriage with Kili. However, these thoughts were
continuously interrupted by memories of Kili’s genuine laughs and smiles and he
would soon be distracted by guilt and a deep fondness he dared not explore.
Thorin supposed people were right: the matter of the heart was always
complicated.
===============================================================================
A couple of weeks after their arrival in Erebor, Vilir and his family visited
Dale. Perhaps they had tired of the marble halls. Kili certainly must have,
considering how she loved the nature so. Dale should ease her longing a little,
although it’s not as close to forests as she must have wanted. Kili had
inquired about Greenwood in the distance, the largest and nearest forest in the
region and also the most dangerous. Tales of the darker period of the forest
didn’t dissuade her and in fact seemed to intrigue her even more. Now, although
Thorin had an alliance with the Elvenking, he was still hesitant to let his
guests go to his territory. He still had a deep-seated suspicion on the magic
that enveloped the forest. The gluttonous spiders which once roamed the area
had been chased away and the light had once again penetrated the thick forest
canopy, but still Thorin wondered if it’s entirely safe there. He certainly
didn’t want to test the safety by risking his guests’ lives.
So, it was quite a relief when Dis asked to visit Dale instead, as Thorin
didn’t know how to forbid Kili without playing an overbearing king (or worse, a
parent). Kili wasn’t entirely happy, but in the end she couldn’t resist her
curiosity. The family asked Thorin to join them, but he declined, knowing that
if he went with them, they wouldn’t be able to explore the city in peace. They
wanted to observe the spectacles, not bethe spectacles. To be completely
honest, he wanted to go. It had been a while since he went there and he wanted
to see with his own eyes how things had changed, whether everything was as
reported to him or people had lied to please him. However, Thorin knew he would
only inconvenience everyone. After all, Kili was right when she said having
guards around would make it difficult for her to talk to people freely. Having
a king traveling with her would make it entirely impossible. He would visit
Dale another time, perhaps as a commoner so he could blend in with the people.
Thorin shook his head in amusement at the thought. It seemed that weeks spent
with Vilir and his family had changed his way of thinking.
Thorin watched the family left for Dale from a balcony. He saw Kili stop her
pony and look back to Erebor. From the distance, he couldn’t tell what she was
thinking, but her prolonged pause made him think she was reluctant to leave. In
the end, however, at Fili’s urging, she followed her family for Dale and there
was nothing Thorin could do but watched the family disappeared from view.
Thorin felt a longing to go that he hadn’t felt for a long time. Usually, he
was content to spend hours of the day tending to his kingdom but today he
wanted to be away. There was no room in his life for such irresponsibility,
however. Thorin quickly went to see his advisors before he was tempted. The
endless issues faced by his people and the delicate nature of negotiating with
various lords to best benefit the kingdom effectively took his mind off
wandering. He took a quick break only for meals and spent the rest of the time
working. It was only much later just before he went to bed with a thoroughly
exhausted mind that he remembered about his guests. His attendant informed him
that they had returned a few hours earlier in good spirits, a small happy
thought to send Thorin to sleep.
By morning he had almost completely forgotten but for a deep sense of
satisfaction for doing his duty well. His guests were happy, what more could a
host ask for? But when Thorin caught a glimpse of Kili in one of the corridors,
the regret of not going to Dale came back to him. He should have gone
yesterday, escaping his endless list of duties for a while, enjoying the lovely
day with his friends’ family, laughing at Kili’s never ending tricks to amuse
him. After all, what harm could there be in missing a day’s work? Seeing Kili,
Thorin felt he mustn’t miss another opportunity to indulge himself. There was a
great amount of work waiting for his attention, but he couldn’t resist a small
delay. After all, he thought to justify himself, a host should ensure that his
guests were happy.
Kili smiled widely when she spotted Thorin. Her hair, which remained loose ever
since he told her it was better suited for her temperament, waved in the air as
she rushed toward him. In her excitement, she almost forgot to curtsy in her
excitement, but Thorin barely noted this. Truthfully, he wouldn’t care much if
she completely forgot to curtsy. He liked Kili unrestrained by the rules of
propriety, only following her instincts. Dis would say it’s a flaw, a problem
to be improved upon. Thorin wouldn’t argue with her outright as she did have a
point, but he felt there’s still some time left before Kili had to be as
repressed as most dwarfs in his court.
“How did you find Dale?” Thorin asked, smiling.
“It’s wonderful! I had never seen so many people from so many places in one
city before!” Kili replied excitedly. “There’s so much to see but it was
already quite late in the day when finished shopping in the market, so we
decided to return. But, Mother said we should go back another time! You must
join us when we do!”
The hopefulness in Kili’s eyes warmed Thorin’s heart. He was rarely wanted
except to fulfill his responsibilities and to serve someone else’s interests.
As a person, he was well aware of how difficult he could be. The stresses
brought by his role in the society often took their tolls on him and as a
result the remaining friends from youth further diminished. Only few stubborn
ones remained and sometimes he worried they merely pitied him, for there
certainly was no shortage of things to pity in the lone surviving member of the
Durin’s Folks. But Kili wanted him. Well, not him—his presence. He didn’t know
why and he dared not ask why, but he allowed himself to be happy for it,
nonetheless.
“Perhaps I shall,” he said, unable to resist. He looked around him and saw a
door to one of the drawing rooms, which he knew was usually unoccupied. “Why
don’t you tell me about Dale? It’s been a while since I went there.”
At Kili’s enthusiastic agreement, Thorin led her to the drawing room. As he had
thought, it was empty. He ordered the attendants following him and Kili to wait
outside and allowed only one guard inside the room—the less eavesdropping
dropping ear, the better. Then, he and Kili sat in front of a window furthest
away from the guard. There’s a feeling that they were stealing a moment not
only from Thorin’s duties but also from the rest of the world. Although Thorin
was hesitant to pursue the thought, he relished in the excitement.
“Tell me about Dale,” he requested.
“It’s a very beautiful city! There were small gardens in residential areas and
even playgrounds for children—we didn’t have those in Ered Luin!”
“Are they as beautiful as your garden at home?”
Kili shrugged, smiling. “They’re different and our garden is bigger. Though, I
suppose there’s not much space for big gardens there. There are so many people!
I’ve never seen so many races in one place at the same time!”
Thorin nodded. “Summer is usually very busy in Dale. Merchants came from all
over Middle Earth to trade there. Did you find anything interesting?”
“I found too many interesting things to count!” Kili laughed. “Food, clothes,
jewelries, toys, things that I’ve never seen before. I’m quite sure there were
some magical items as well, but my parents wouldn’t let me examine them. I was
going to buy you something but Mother said what would a dwarf who has
everything possibly want?”
Thorin chuckled. “Not everything,” he denied, thinking of his people’s problems
which still required solutions, the expectation to surpass every known royal
legacy in Middle Earth, and the discontent which arose every day from every
layer of society despite his best efforts.
“Most things, then,” Kili countered, grinning.
“Perhaps,” Thorin agreed placidly. He doubted Kili was interested in the weight
of responsibilities upon his shoulders. “Did you get anything for yourself?”
“A few jewelries—at Mother’s insistence, of course—and a couple new dresses to
go with them. I found a beautiful music box and curious mechanical toys. One of
them shows a battle between a dwarf and a troll, and another a flying dragon!
You have to see them! I’ve never seen anything like them!”
“I can’t wait to see them,” Thorin said, chuckling.
Kili nodded. “I’ll show them to you tomorrow. You really should come with us
next time so you can see them for yourself. The market is amazing. Not that
there’s anything wrong with the ones here in Erebor, of course!”
“It does seem to be a great place to be. It’s been a while since I went there,”
Thorin admitted, glancing out of the window at the summer outside. He had
little interest in nature, but to not be excited when Kili so gleefully told
him her recent adventure.
“When was the last time you went there?”
Thorin thought of it for a moment. “A few years ago when they had a new
Master.”
“The Bard? That was many years ago!” Kili exclaimed.
Thorin looked at Kili in surprise. “Do you know him?”
The words could be construed as an insult, but Kili merely shrugged, either
unaware or not caring that Thorin thought she didn’t pay attention to the
happenings around the kingdom. “I’ve heard of him. His songs and his archery
skill are well-known and his excellent leadership has reached even Ered Luin.
From what we saw yesterday, the reputation isn’t an exaggeration. Now Father is
considering opening a trade route with Dale, but I think it’s not a good idea.
Merchants might be used to traveling far and wide but the road is far too
risky. We are lucky to have guards with us but some of the passes are narrow
roads bordered by hiding places-good locations for ambush that thieves and
robbers won’t be able to resist for long.” Kili shook her head, frowning. “In
some places we didn’t feel safe. Our guards scarcely rested at night and Fili
slept with his daggers every night until we arrived in your territory. The
landscape is treacherous as well, especially during rain. I can only imagine
what it will be like when we pass it again in the fall. I think before we make
such agreement, we should address the road first. There’s no point in having a
trade route if the route isn’t passable by the traders.” She continued,
“There’s also the matter of the great distance. No doubt it will cost a lot to
bring goods from Dale to Ered Luin, thus raising the prices of the goods once
they arrive. Ered Luin is not Dale or Erebor. Most of us won’t be able to
afford purchasing these goods. Merchants will think many times over about
trading there. A small market isn’t worth such great risks.”
Thorin stared at Kili, stunned. He had known Kili wasn’t as carefree as she
initially appeared but her observation was unexpected. He expected insights
gained from conversations others had around her and her interactions with
people in the city, but not such thoughtfulness. Fili also showed similar
attention to public issues, but he was older than her and was clearly in the
process of being groomed to succeed his father. For Kili, who seemed far more
interested in amusing herself than serving her people, to note security
concerns and trading issues was surprising. It seemed that Kili was a lot more
than just a young lass who thought only of fun ways to spend her time. Thorin
was ashamed to have thought so little of her even after spending time with her.
“That’s a very good observation. Have you told your father?” he asked, still
mildly in shock.
Kili shook her head. “He was very tired when we returned yesterday.”
“Do you usually discuss these things with him?”
“Sometimes,” Kili said, shrugging. “Other times I just tell Mother and she’ll
tell him about it.”
Thorin nodded slowly. He was glad that at least her parents recognized her
observation and involved her in discussions regarding public policies, but he
wondered whether others were aware of her intelligence. When even outspoken Dis
had to hide her influence over her husband from the public, it was doubtful
that Kili’s thoughts were acknowledged. It’s such a pity. Thorin thought that
with proper guidance, she could excel in leadership as Vilir did.
“You should meet the lords and ladies of Erebor. Some of them will appreciate
your observation. A feast will be held in a couple of weeks’ time. That will be
a perfect time.” He wondered how Balin would react to discovering that the
young lass he had pushed toward Thorin was more than a convenient political
tool. Hopefully he’d be ashamed for seeing someone as less than a person.
Kili scoffed. “I doubt they’ll listen to me,” she said sourly, confirming
Thorin’s fear that she wasn’t appreciated for what she’s truly capable of.
However, Kili didn’t seem too disturbed by this, which raised the concern that
she had encountered such treatment often enough to get used to it. “Besides, I
don’t like having to dress up.”
Thorin laughed. “No, I don’t think you do. Pity, actually. I quite liked how
you looked when I first saw you when I invited your family to dinner.”
The truth escaped Thorin’s mouth unchecked. Thorin felt his face heated up. He
had never really thought of that night and he did think that Kili looked better
with her hair loose and in a dress which accommodated her activeness. However,
he couldn’t deny that she also looked quite beautiful with her hair brushed and
plaited and decorated with glittering jewelries. Her blue dress that she had
worn for that dinner also made her seem daintier and more fragile that she
really was, a misleading impression, as Thorin now knew. Fortunately, Kili
didn’t seem to notice his slip of tongue.
Thorin cleared his throat self-consciously. “I will make them listen to you,”
he promised.
Kili laughed merrily. “That’s very kind of you. But if they don’t want to
listen to me, it’s all right.”
“They have to listen,” Thorin insisted. He reached up to touch Kili’s shoulder
but stopped himself in time. How silly it was to be so affected by the problem
of someone who seemed unconcerned by it. Thorin dropped his hand awkwardly and
clenched it into a fist for fear of reaching out for her again. “Some of these
lords have never gone far from Erebor, so they haven’t seen what you have on
your way here. Your view will be very valuable for them,” he said more calmly.
Kili shrugged, her doubt was very clear to see. Thorin had to wonder how many
times she had been ignored. “And you? How far have you gone to?”
The reluctance to discuss the subject was worrying but Thorin obliged Kili’s
wish. “Well, I’ve visited Ered Luin once.” Thorin grinned when Kili’s eyes
widened. “That was almost a century ago. I was still young and was sent to
represent my father in an event held by your grandfather. I met Vilir but we
didn’t speak much as I spent most of my stay there with his father.”
“How long did you stay there?” Kili asked.
“A couple of weeks,” Thorin replied after a moment of thought. “I had to visit
other lords as well so I couldn’t stay for long.”
“I bet you thought of Erebor throughout your visit,” Kili teased him, grinning.
Not denying it, Thorin asked her, “Why? Do you miss your home?”
“I think of Ered Luin sometimes,” Kili admitted easily. “But there are many
things to do here, many places to visit. Erebor is a beautiful and fascinating
place. It’s a pity I won’t be able to see half of your kingdom before it’s time
to go home.”
A thought occur to Thorin. He hesitated to voice it. It’s rather inappropriate
as it implied a promise he was still unsure about giving. But, the sincere
regret Kili displayed and the thought of her leaving—though it won’t happen too
soon—cracked Thorin’s strong resolve. “Perhaps you should stay longer next
time,” he suggested tentatively.
“You would have me here again?” Kili asked, surprised and hopeful. Thorin
wondered if she had any inkling of Thorin’s thoughts of her.
Again, Thorin hesitated, but he nodded eventually. “Of course.”
Whether Thorin liked it or not, whatever he did to remove it, Kili’s smile at
his reply stayed with him throughout the day. He didn’t want to delve too
deeply into it. She’s a child though her mind wasn’t as juvenile as he had
initially thought. Her mind might be quite ready for the responsibility to
come, but her body wasn’t prepared for what he was capable of giving her. She’s
too young and it wasn’t right for Thorin to be so fond of her.
But still a longing grew inside Thorin.
===============================================================================
Meal and ale were prepared in Thorin’s private dining room. There were enough
food and drink for a small group of dwarfs, yet there would only be two dwarfs
tonight in the room tonight. Not even servants were allowed to enter, as this
was a conversation of the most confidential nature. This was unusual, even for
Thorin’s standard, as he usually kept confidential matters to his study. Never
before had he invited anyone to his quarter for a private conversation, a sure
sign that the matter at hand was of personal nature rather than political.
People would wonder tomorrow, but Thorin wasn’t worried. He knew Dwalin could
be trusted to keep secrets.
Decades of learning discipline in the army didn’t allow Dwalin to be late. He
came right on time, dressed casually enough for an evening with a friend but
still formally enough to be acceptable for an invitation to the king’s quarter.
It would be a very quiet evening by Dwalin’s standard, but the food and drink
would be much better, so naturally he couldn’t resist. True to his nature, the
moment the doors shut behind him, leaving him alone with Thorin, he went for
the meal and drink after barely acknowledging Thorin’s presence. The next half
an hour or so, the friends made small talks while eating and drinking—Thorin at
a more sedate pace than Dwalin. He wasn’t offended by Dwalin’s poor manners.
They had travelled together for a time and he had seen worse from his friend.
If anything, Dwalin’s lax attitude calmed him. Dwalin would not judge him, he
knew. Balin might frown and criticize but Dwalin would only tease him a little
before giving his full support. Thorin’s thoughts would be safe with Dwalin.
“Is this about the lass?” Dwalin asked while finishing his sixth plate.
“Kili,” Thorin corrected with a sigh. He pushed his own bowl of soup aside, his
appetite gone. “Yes.”
Dwalin studied him, slowing down slightly. “I take it she’s grown on you.”
Thorin’s first instinct was to deny it. He was a king and an adult. He was not
to be easily affected by a mere child! But, if that was the case, he wouldn’t
have invited Dwalin this evening. “She’s not as I expected,” he confessed with
difficulty, for discussing emotions wasn’t his forte. “I thought she would be
very immature. I thought she wouldn’t understand much of the ways of duties and
responsibilities. But, she’s not quite the child I expected her to be.”
“Not quite? So she’s a little bit of a child still?” Dwalin asked, unusually
perceptive. He pushed his now empty plate away and reached for a goblet full of
ale. He sat back, drinking while listening to Thorin intently.
“She isa child. Every time I look at her and see her smile I am reminded of
that!” Thorin stood up in agitation and began pacing the room. “She can analyze
possible outcomes of difficult situations and come up with solutions, but her
smile wasn’t innocent still! She challenges me and teases me but she doesn’t
yet know half of the things I have seen and experienced! She can learn and I
can teach her but she’s not ready for everything that entails being a king’s
consort!”
Thorin stopped before a window. He fought to calm himself down, focusing on the
dark mountain outside. He wasn’t usually this aggravated but Kili’s presence
had affected his composure. Thorin thought of her happy laughter and bright
smiles and the way her eyes twinkled and felt simultaneously happy and guilty.
Did she know she did this to him? He doubted it. As sharp as her mind was, he
didn’t think it crossed her mind that she was well on her way to stealing a
king’s heart.
“So she has grown on you,” Dwalin stated, his voice bearing no judgment.
Sighing, Thorin turned back to his friend. “It would be so much easier if she
were older.”
Dwalin grunted thoughtfully. “She may lack life experience, but, as you just
said, it can be taught and there are many who can provide guidance for her.” He
paused. “Are you worried about… hurting her?” he asked, looking distinctly
uncomfortable with the subject. He might often be crass, but Dwalin was raised
by a respectable lord. He knew better than to discuss a lady’s sexuality even
in privacy with his close friend.
Thorin nodded reluctantly for he, too, didn’t like the topic any more than
Dwalin. Quickly, he changed the subject. “Besides, many things can be taught
and get accustomed to, but childhood is to be cherished. I don’t want to force
her to grow up so quickly.”
“What if it’s not by force? What if she doesn’t mind?”
The thought gave Thorin a pause. He had been so preoccupied with his worries
that he neglected thinking of Kili’s opinions. Indeed, what if Kili didn’t
mind? She had proven to be aware of the ways of the world, but indifferent
about it. What if she approved the idea of marrying a much older dwarf at a
very young age? The thoughts were tempting, but Thorin shook his head. “Kili
doesn’t understand this yet. Perhaps she knows in theory but she has no
experience to guide her to make such big decisions. She may one day realize
that she’s made a terrible mistake.”
“By marrying a king? Not likely,” Dwalin scoffed.
“I’m not just a king, Dwalin,” Thorin retorted, returning to his seat.
“I know. My statement still stands.”
Thorin snorted. Some of the burdens off his chest, he reached for his own
goblet, filled to the brim with fragrant wine. “Flatter me all you want. I’m
not increasing your pay.”
Dwalin grinned. “What if I flatter you in front of Kili to show her your good
qualities?”
Thorin glared at Dwalin from above the rim of the goblet, but there was no
malice in his eyes. Such banter was familiar between them, although they did it
less and less frequently as they grew older. Youth is indeed to be cherished
while it lasts. “I honestly doubt she’ll think anything of it,” he said,
smiling fondly at the thought of Kili.
Dwalin looked at Thorin in amusement but wisely decided to refrain from
commenting. “So what are you going to do? Are you going to woo her in the
upcoming feast?”
“I don’t know,” Thorin sighed. “She’s too…”
“Young. Yes, you’ve said it many times already,” Dwalin interrupted. Apparently
he had grown tired of Thorin’s troubled contemplation, the good friend that he
was.
“It’s a very strong point against doing anything untoward,” Thorin argued. He
glared at his friend when he huffed impatiently. “I will wait until she’s old
enough,” he decided.
“You’ll wait for—what is it?—seven years? Balin won’t like that.”
“This matter has nothing to do with Balin,” Thorin snarled. Balin might be his
close friend and most trusted advisor, but he had meddled in Thorin’s life
enough. “And there are other ways to secure Ered Luin until then.”
Dwalin nodded, all traces of joking left him. “I will send more spies to Ered
Luin and their close allies if you want.”
Thorin deliberated it for a moment and nodded. He didn’t think there’s anything
to worry about but it’s always a good idea to have a few eyes and ears in
places, especially those out of his reach. “Perhaps we should do that. Is there
any news from Ered Luin?”
“Nothing significant. Many see your invitation to Vilir as a sign that you will
pay closer attention to the region, but others are doubtful. Some of them quite
outspoken about their doubt.”
“Is there any reason to be concerned?”
Dwalin shook his head. “Nothing that I’ve heard.”
Thorin sighed heavily. He was glad to know that his invitation to Vilir had
produced positive impact, but it’s always trying to be good enough for
everything. He knew from experience there would always be discontent, there
would always be those who thought he hadn’t ruled as well as he could, but it
was never less frustrating when he heard of it. “I want your spies around these
people. I want to know if their sentiment spreads.” Thorin hoped he wouldn’t
have to take any action against his own people, but dwarfs were a stubborn
race. If these people had decided that his reign was unsatisfactory, it would
be very difficult to change their minds. Thorin mentally berated himself for
neglecting his distant colony. He hoped there was time and opportunity yet to
fix this mistake.
After filing the order away for later, Dwalin returned to his drink and meal. A
thoughtful silence enveloped the table for a moment before Dwalin looked up at
Thorin. “Does this mean you will marry Kili?”
Thorin couldn’t answer that until the end of the evening.
===============================================================================
As the feast approached, Erebor became busier. Workers prepare the mountain
kingdom’s great hall for the festivity, decorating it lavishly for a party
worthy of the attendance of a king. Guards anxiously patrolled the area, wary
of any breach of security during an event where many important lords will
gather. Servants prepared themselves to avoid making any mistake in the
important evening. Meanwhile, those who were fortunate enough to be invited to
the event were also busy finding ways to stand out in the feast. Seamstresses
and jewelry makers worked with barely any rest to finish their customers’
orders, which had been placed months prior. Servants ran back and forth from
shops to their lords’ apartments to deliver goods, orders, and numerous
complaints. Everyone wanted to look perfect when they were in the king’s
audience.
Thorin had little care for the fuss, having enough duties to occupy himself. He
left his choice of outfit to his personal seamstress who knew his tastes better
than himself, or at least cared about it more than him. The seamstress also
placed special orders had been made to the royal forge where beautiful rings
and beads were to be made out of mithril and the clearest precious stones. The
designs were shown to Thorin for approval before they were made, but other than
that he had little input to the creation process. Though Thorin loved valuable
things and acknowledged the importance of appearance, he wasn’t a vain dwarf.
Normally, he knew how to look, how to give the impression of wisdom, power and
strength. But for this feast, he wasn’t only to show those qualities. There was
a theatrical aspect to it that he wasn’t familiar with and found almost
ridiculous. He wasn’t too keen on attending the event, but it was a part of his
duties. He had to keep his allies happy.
Kili shared Thorin’s lack of interest in the pageantry, although she was very
enthusiastic about an evening of music, singing, and dancing. She had only
started to attend these formal events since she turned fifty and the experience
was still a novelty to her. She happily told Thorin about the feasts that she
had gone to and the mischiefs she caused there with Fili. Thorin couldn’t
decide whether to tell her to behave herself in front of strangers who might
well be less tolerant than the dwarfs in Ered Luin or to let her do whatever
she pleased. He trusted that Kili knew the right time and place for everything,
but he still wasn’t quite sure how well Kili could exercise self-control. After
all, this was a lass who freely spoke to a king, even teasing him. Thorin
supposed he was to blame for allowing it to happen and encouraging Kili, but he
enjoy her wit and cheerfulness, almost the exact opposite of his own nature.
The fact that his enjoyment was no longer entirely innocent was another matter
entirely that he didn’t want to discuss with her.
The festivity started in the morning with various competitions: wrestling,
archery, sword fighting, among other things. Thorin had provided handsome
rewards for the winners, though he privately thought the nobles who joined the
competition didn’t have much need for it. Regardless, Thorin obliged them. If
nothing else, it made the competition fiercer and more fun, two things no dwarf
could resist, Thorin included. It was a welcomed break from the tediousness of
his daily tasks and he relished in it. There was an itch to join the
competitions as he had long ago, but he thought better of it. He was still
confident of his skills, but he knew he had an unfair advantage in his status.
There was also the risk of injury which he dared not take, considering the
works he had temporarily put aside to attend this feast which couldn’t be
postponed further if he sustained any injury.
Though mildly disappointed that he couldn’t participate, Thorin still enjoyed
the tournaments. He watched the matches carefully. The older experienced
warriors showed off their skills, demonstrating that their experienced ensured
that they were not to be taken lightly. Even the youngest contestants, who were
not yet allowed to use axes and swords, were well-practiced in using their
bodies as weapons. It’s heartening to see that despite the long period of peace
his people still hadn’t neglected their trainings. This way, if violence
erupted in the future, Thorin could feel safe in the knowledge that his people
were capable to fighting for their kingdom. Thorin shook his head to banish the
thought. Such a fine and happy day wasn’t time for dark thoughts.
When Fili entered the arena, Thorin startled, having forgotten about his
guests. As the audience cheered for the young dwarf and his opponent, Thorin
surreptitiously looked for Kili and her family. Unfortunately, they were
nowhere to be seen, possibly seated far from him. Thorin frowned at the
thought. He could think of some of the lords near him who were less worthy of
being where they were than Vilir and his family. However, their relatively new
status in the political scene of Erebor put them far from the king. To insist
on placing them near him despite their recent arrival was not an option as it
would be viewed as unjust and garner both himself and Vilir enemies. Thorin
forced himself to focus on the duel as it began. It was rude to be blatantly
distracted in such a public event, one that he threw himself, no less.
The audience murmured and gasped as Fili skillfully used his double swords to
defend and attack. He was very light on his feet, considering his swords were
over half his size. His opponent was good with his axe, but he eventually
succumbed to Fili, falling to his knee with a sword pointed at his throat. A
loud cheer erupted from the spectators, some of whom were whispering about the
young and relatively unknown dwarf. Among these voices, Thorin swore he could
hear Kili shouting her brother’s name, but no matter how he tried, he couldn’t
find her. When Fili left the arena, Thorin watched him closely, hoping to find
Kili’s seat. However, Fili merely walked away without leaving any clue of his
sister’s whereabouts. Thorin sighed heavily as new contenders entered the
arena. He couldn’t wait for the feast to start.
It was past midday when the last competition ended. Fili unfortunately lost his
last match, perhaps due to exhaustion, but he accepted it graciously, smiling
as he bowed to Thorin. Nevertheless, he definitely won people’s favor, as
evidenced by the thunderous cheer for him. Thorin was almost tempted to give
him special reward, but he didn’t want to show any favoritism. This was a
competition, after all. The rewards were given to the victors, not those
favored by the king. Fortunately, it was by then time for the long-awaited
feast and Thorin didn’t want to delay it longer than necessary. The arena was
abandoned as the lords and ladies moved to the hall.
Once again, Kili was nowhere to be seen during the feast, although Thorin was
seated higher than everyone else so he could view every single dwarf he
invited. He discreetly looked for her face among the sea of many familiar ones
to no avail. Though frustrated, he schooled the frown threatening to show and
contended himself admiring the great hall. And indeed, there were many things
so see before him. Hundreds of candles lighted up the room, warming the
atmosphere; blue banners containing his family symbol were hung on walls;
beautiful flower arrangements spread fragrant scent across the room and
reminded them of the lovely season; five long tables were filled with happy
friends and families; minstrels sang of past, current, and future glory of the
dwarfs; and gold and silver ornaments boasted the opulence of Erebor. Thorin
allowed himself a moment of pride. He had continued his father’s legacy and
took it further. Erebor flourished under his rule, making this feast and the
luxury displayed by the guests possible. There were moments when he was
thoroughly exhausted by his duties, but looking at his honorable guests now, he
realized that the efforts were well-worth it.
Course after course of meal was served. Thorin hadn’t hold back in spoiling his
guests, providing the most delicious and rare of meals and drinks throughout
the event, which would continue into the night. He took pleasure in the way his
guests eagerly polished off everything served for them on gold plates by
hardworking servants. His own appetite wasn’t as strong as the lords, so he ate
slower, savoring every delicious mouthful. From experience, he knew that
eventually they would slow down and paid the minstrels the attention they
deserved. The minstrels knew this, too, and saved their best songs for later,
when they would be better appreciated. For now, the music was only a background
noise, mostly lost amidst conversations and the sounds of cutleries against the
plates.
As wine continued to pour in, rigid formality began to loosen. Laughter grew in
volume and frequency and there were even several aborted attempts for food
fight. This was the cue the musicians had waited for. They loudly sang songs of
cheer, of great fun with friends, of jokes at the expense of the ignorant, and,
the constant favorites, of amorous lovers. At first the guests merely stomped
their feet on the marble floor and clapped their hands, but as they consumed
more alcohol, some of them began to dance. Having anticipated this, servants
made space in the middle of the hall. It didn’t take long before the lords and
ladies made use of it, leaving their chairs to dance to the musician’s fast-
paced music. They moved in intricately coordinated movements that seemed to
change one’s position within the blink of an eye. Yet, there was no confusion
as everyone knew their part, where to go and where to be. Those who were a
little more intoxicated tumbled on their feet a little but still knew the steps
for they had practiced it as long as they could remember. Meanwhile, the guests
who chose not to dance cheered at the dancers or simply continued eating.
Thorin laughed happily at the sight. He wasn’t too fond of dancing, but it
didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy watching people dance.
It took Thorin a while to notice Kili among the dancers. When he did, he almost
couldn’t recognize her if not for her wide smile. However, she quickly
disappeared from view, swept away by the course of the dance. She reappeared a
moment later, a tantalizing glimpse among the dancers, but didn’t stay still
long enough again. Long minutes passed before Thorin recognized her pattern and
followed her easily with his eyes, very long minutes where Thorin was hard-
pressed not to stop the dance so he could have a proper look of Kili. Now that
he had seen her, however, he didn’t take her eyes off her.
From what he could tell, she was wearing a blue dress with silver accents in
embroideries and dots of jewels, possibly diamonds. Unlike most ladies present
who were almost entirely covered in gold, she only wore a simple gold necklace.
Her hair was pulled up into a bun, kept away from her face. No doubt she didn’t
like it, but Thorin certainly didn’t mind being able to see her face. Kili’s
dark locks were pinned by tiny pieces of jewelries which glinted silver and
blue under light. Her best accessories, however, were her twinkling eyes and
smiling lips. She glowed among the dancers and though Thorin couldn’t hear her
from where he was, he could see that she made people around her smile also.
Indeed, it seemed that she had made many friends. Young lords hovered around
her, barely taking her eyes off her as they danced. Their grins whenever Kili
stepped close to them showed their interest. Being youthful, they didn’t cover
their intention very well, dancing a little too close to Kili, but Kili seemed
unaware. She continued to dance without a single falter to her steps, neither
trying to get close or to get away from her admirers. She merely allowed them
to do as they would and let the music carried her along a set course.
Thorin gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. He watched Kili closely as
unreasonable anger boiled in his chest. He had seen these things hundreds of
times. These feasts weren’t only meant to create political alliances, but also
to find life partners. Many of the lords and ladies currently present met their
spouses in such events. Moreover, it was common for young dwarfs to enjoy
themselves separated from the adults-Thorin himself had done the same in the
past with his friends, Dis included. So, it was perfectly normal for Kili to
befriend these young dwarfs. It certainly was more acceptable than spending
time with dwarfs old enough to be her father. The thought of the age difference
between him and Kili was at once sobering and frustrating. Those young dwarf
lords were indeed more suitable for her, but Thorin still wished they weren’t.
“Oh! She’s quite popular, isn’t she?”
Thorin glared at Balin and reached for his full goblet. He drank the wine a
little too quickly but no one thought it weird at this point of the feast.
“Apparently,” Thorin said dryly.
Balin hummed thoughtfully. “She’s light on her feet. Those lads can barely keep
up. Though, I suppose being distracted doesn’t help.”
Although he knew that Balin was deliberately trying to provoke him, Thorin
still couldn’t help the rise of his ire. “And what do you propose I should do
with that? Give them a dance lesson?” he snapped, quietly enough not to draw
attention but sharply enough to let Balin knew his anger.
Undeterred, perhaps because they’re in public where Thorin wouldn’t openly show
the true extent of his rage, Balin replied, “Dance with her. Show her how it’s
properly done. You’re quite a talented dancer, if I remember correctly.”
“Your flattery is as bad as Dwalin’s,” Thorin muttered. “And we’ve agreed that
this will be kept quiet until I’ve made a decision.”
“That’s true.” Balin nodded. “But everyone already knows that you’ve taken a
shine on Vilir’s daughter. I don’t think they will suspect anything.”
Thorin frowned at his friend and then turned his gaze back to the dancing
crowd. The sight of Kili surrounded by lads reignited his anger, but now it was
slightly dampened by concern that he had given himself away. “What else do they
know?”
“Nothing else. You’re quite often seen with her, so they draw that conclusion.
Your disapproval for young brides assures that no one suspects anything.” Balin
paused to sip his wine. “Although, to be honest I see no reason to hide
anything. People will understand.”
Thorin huffed. He knew they would understand as most of them were familiar with
the custom and the political situation. He was known to oppose the low bar for
marriageable age, but he had little doubt that they would see reasons behind
his action. But politics and tradition weren’t the only things that mattered,
especially in this situation. “My invitation to her family has put this in a
different situation. If people know, they will have certain expectations. It
will be improper and unkind to openly declare such intent only to change my
mind in the end.”
Balin frowned, unable to argue. Thorin secretly breathed a sigh of relief. This
was a day of celebration and he would hate to ruin it with his anger. Though,
it was increasingly difficult to keep his resolve. Kili’s gaggle of admirer
followed her for many songs. When they did take breaks, they went together,
happily chatting. Fili went with them as well, but made no move to stop the
lads. There was nothing to stop, of course. No matter how intoxicated they
were, Thorin highly doubted they would disrespect Kili in any way as they were
raised far better than that. Moreover, if Kili didn’t mind their company and
fumbling flirtations, who was Thorin to stop them. With great difficulty,
Thorin turned his attention to the rest of the guests.
There was no shortage of things to see. The drunken stumbling and increasingly
deteriorating dancing skill were always entertaining to watch. Those who
remained (mostly) sober held silly competitions which always ended with cheers
no matter who won them. The older and primmer dwarfs found a quiet corner to
themselves, observing the spectacle with a mixture of wariness and amusement.
To them, the company of wine, food, and close friends was enough. The songs
were getting absurd, telling impossibly tall tales that no one in their right
mind would believe in, but everyone still enjoyed. When some more popular
pieces were sung, the guests stomped their feet and clapped their hands happily
to accompany the music. Performers showcased their best tricks to allow the
guests a moment of rest. The lords and ladies gasped and laughed at the shows,
all of which were unique and never before seen (although sure to be copied
after this feast was finished.) All of these continued into the night, showing
little sign of slowing down.
A different kind of dance was performed in the evening. The dancers weren’t as
vigorous as they had been earlier in the day, although their exuberance
remained the same. Pair dances started to be introduced. Friends and spouses
danced together, temporarily switching partners once in a while but then
returning to their original ones. The coordinated movements were a feast for
the eyes, easier to enjoy as they weren’t as fast as the group dances earlier
in the day. From his elevated seat, Thorin had the best view of the dance, but
he had his attention elsewhere.
Kili began the dance with Fili. The siblings laughed and conversed as they
danced without thinking, clearly well-practiced in it. This, Thorin didn’t
mind. However, they soon moved to different partners. Thorin burnt as Kili
danced with her admirers. The lads’ hands seemed to settle too low and lingered
too long on her. When they talked to Kili, they leaned forward to be as close
as possible to her. Some even dared to whisper directly to her ears. Kili
merely laughed, as if this was a mere game. But it wasn’t a game. Thorin had
been young. He knew some of these touches were meant to be an invitation. Would
she accept?
A murmur swept across the hall when Thorin left his seat. He pointedly avoided
Balin’s eyes as he went to join the dancers. Unable to immediately go to Kili
for fear of drawing unwanted attention, Thorin offered his arm to a daughter of
one of his lords, one he had had a couple of pleasant conversations with in the
past. She blushed and accepted, allowing Thorin to lead them to join the other
dancing guests. The minstrels, who faltered when they saw their king rose from
his seat, resumed their playing. It jolted the dancers back to awareness and
they continued dancing, now while throwing glances Thorin’s way. There was a
wave of quiet murmur among the dwarfs lords and ladies. No doubt they were
talking about their king as he hadn’t joined their dances for a long time.
Thorin ignored them, focusing on trying to find ways to reach Kili.
It wasn’t easy. There was a sea of dwarfs to pass and Kili seemed to move
further and further away from him. Whenever Thorin used his tall stature to
locate her, she’s always in the arms of some lad who led her deeper into the
dancing crowd. It took all of Thorin’s self-control and strict upbringing to
not go after her and pay some attention to those he danced with. Some of his
braver dance partners expressed their surprise at his participation, so Thorin
had to feign enthusiasm. Other even braver dwarfs even tried to use the
opportunity of having a couple of minutes of his time to leverage their family
to a better social and political position. Thorin bore this patiently. As
aggravated as he was, he still remembered that the feast was held to strengthen
political relations. He mustn’t ruin it just because he could hardly wait to
dance with someone.
It took far too long for Thorin to reach Kili, but slowly they moved closer
together. Thorin could hear her laughter nearby, their time together aiding him
distinguishing her voice from others’ voices. He frowned. Did she not realize
he was near? Was she so engrossed in her new friends? For once Thorin didn’t
dare look. Whatever was distracting her and whether or not she found her new
friends more enchanting than Thorin, there was little Thorin could do but nurse
his disappointment. A king could take whatever he wished to have, but it didn’t
mean he should. Kili’s attention and care were hers to give to whomever she
found worthy, not for him to take out of selfishness.
When Thorin finally caught a glimpse of her dancing near him, he released a
shuddery breath. He braced himself and reached for her, taking her away from a
wide-eyed young dwarf. She blinked at him, startled, when he held her hand. Her
surprise didn’t last long, however, and soon Kili smiled widely at Thorin. The
familiar expression and the way she confidently held his hand calmed some of
Thorin’s agitation and he smiled back.
“I barely recognize you,” Thorin commented, taking in the sight of Kili so
near. Now he could fully appreciate the beauty of her blue dress and the
glittering diamonds with decorated it, and the silvery beads holding her hair
back. She reminded him of a starry night sky, but far more beautiful. Thorin
bit his tongue before he said as much.
“Is that good or not?” Kili laughed merrily.
Thorin tilted his head, assessing her looks playfully (although he did enjoy
the sight so.) “Very good. How did your mother manage to put you in this dress
and do your hair?”
“By bribing and threatening me.” Kili looked behind her to what Thorin assumed
was where her parents were. She laughed at whatever she saw and turned her
attention back to Thorin, studying him curiously. “I heard you didn’t dance.”
Fortunately, they were constantly moving, so it didn’t seem strange when Thorin
looked away in embarrassment. “I can’t seem to resist tonight,” he said
lightly. “What do you think of the feast?”
“I love it!” Kili said excitedly. “The feasts I’ve been to were never this
wonderful! Fili had to pull me away from my seat and the dance floor. I think
I’ve danced and eaten more tonight than I’ve ever done in my entire life!”
Thorin chuckled. He didn’t have to look around them to know that people were
watching them curiously. This, with well-practiced self-control he could easily
ignore with only little concern for whether he had sparked unwanted
speculations. However, it was much more difficult to ignore the desirous stares
directed to Kili. Thorin tightened his grip on Kili’s hand slightly, barely
able to stop himself from pulling her close. It’s not appropriate. It’s not the
right time. It’s not right. He mustn’t be unfair to her.
Thorin cleared his throat. “Have I told you this is a good opportunity to share
your thoughts with others? I’m sure among these lords some has enough sense to
recognize the value of your observations.”
The bitter chuckle Kili let out made Thorin frown. She smiled to him, but the
smile was too tight and too fake to cause anything other than concern. “I’m
trying to find someone who would listen,” she said quietly.
For a split second, Thorin stilled. He looked at the young lords surrounding
them and suddenly understood. Kili’s voice wasn’t heard not only because she
was young, but also because she’s a female. Even brilliant and outspoken Dis
had to stand in her husband’s shadow, speaking to Ered Luin through him. No
doubt there were ladies in this hall who were in the same position, having
great thoughts but unable to give voice to them except through their husbands,
who might not even listen. Thinking that Kili had to win one of these young
lords to have her thoughts acknowledged angered and worried Thorin for reasons
beyond politics. He knew from the looks directed at her that later in the
evening the young lords would approach her for less than platonic reasons. It
frustrated him that he couldn’t stop them, that he had to watch Kili with
others while he was kept seated at his chair. It troubled him that Kili might
find one of them worthy of her thoughts and affection.
“I’ll listen,” Thorin said. He held her hand tightly when she looked at him in
surprise. “I’ll listen to you.”
Kili looked doubtful. Thorin wanted to assure her but the course of the dance
separated them. He could only look as she was swept away by another dwarf. He
wanted to find her again, but it was impossible to do so without drawing
attention. They continued to dance with other dwarfs, but their eyes met every
so often. Kili no longer tried to charm her new friends and Thorin was hardly
able to continue faking interest in his partners. At the end of the song, he
bowed to his current dance partner. When he looked up his gaze met Kili’s from
the other side of the hall. Perhaps it’s Thorin’s wishful thinking, but he
thought she looked hopeful.
===============================================================================
Balin balked at Thorin’s suggestion to include ladies of the court in politics.
It’s unheard of, he argued before carefully trying to find out who had inspired
such a thought in Thorin. Not wanting to further encourage his friend in his
matchmaking, Thorin claimed that it was Dis. It’s not entirely untrue, since
Dis herself was of bright mind, but Thorin still felt a little guilty. Not for
lying to Balin, but for denying Kili’s intelligence. He vowed that one day
Erebor would know of her wit, but he wanted to keep it quiet for now for
selfish reasons, as well as because Balin knew Dis well enough to accept
Thorin’s argument.
Believing in Thorin’s claim was different from accepting his suggestion,
however. Just as Thorin had met resistance when he insisted on raising the bar
for marriageable age before, he was warned that he wouldn’t find easy
acceptance among his court. There were some warmongering dwarf ladies who
fought alongside male dwarfs but these rare dwarfs live apart from his court
with little participation in politics. And it’s one thing to accept having
these ladies among the army—their strength and skills being equal to their male
counterpart—but another to have their presence among Thorin’s advisory court.
They weren’t trusted to understand the delicateness and intricacies of
politics, an idea that now enraged Thorin. Though Kili and Dis were the
outstanding example in comprehending governance issues, many ladies Thorin had
talked to also showed understanding of the delicate power balance in his
kingdom. He hadn’t realized it before, foolishly thinking it was simply the way
things were supposed to be, that ladies were to behave in that submissive way
and further their families’ interests in any way. But, now Thorin saw the
cleverness behind their silence, the subtle way they secured and won his favors
for their husbands and families.
Husbands and families who didn’t appreciate their efforts! Thorin dared say
some of them would’ve had lost their current positions if not for their wives’
winning charms, yet they still resisted the idea of allowing these ladies to
formally be their equal in Thorin’s court! It was infuriating that he had
dwarfs with this kind of thinking among his advisors, but he supposed such was
the nature of dwarfs. They disliked change and preferred constancy. Now, while
Thorin completely understood the concern for the unknown, he knew that
stagnancy would only bring ruin. Changes had to happen, whether they liked it
or not, and now this was the kind of change he wanted.
Balin eventually agreed to support him, although reluctantly. One dwarf’s
support wasn’t enough, however, so together they devised plans to bring others
to their side. This required solid arguments and future plans. What would it
take to convince others of this point and what did Thorin plan to do if it came
to fruition? Could Thorin guarantee that the change was for the best? There
were so many things to think about that Thorin composure started to suffer. He
found himself tired more and more often, his head pounding slightly as he
mentally ran through every possibility. He felt weighed down by the discussion
taking place behind closed doors, as if it were a physical load. He hadn’t felt
this way since he proposed raising the limit for coming of age over a decade
ago. Thorin couldn’t say he had missed it.
Weary, he wished he could share his burdens. He didn’t know how he had managed
it before, for the burden was almost too great to bear. Perhaps he had grown
old, he mused wryly, or perhaps he had grown soft. That possibility seemed more
likely as now the sight of Kili made him want to unlock his mind. The anxious
thoughts and frustration he had mostly kept to himself threatened to spill when
they talked. He knew she would understand, and perhaps would even provide some
insights on the matter, but he couldn’t tell her yet when the plan was only on
its very early stages. The secrecy made him feel guilty. He hated keeping
anything from Kili (he had kept enough secrets from her—his increasingly strong
intention to marry her despite his better senses being the one he felt most
guilty of) and he trusted Kili completely to not spread it, but he knew it was
wiser to keep quiet until he was on more solid ground with clearer strategies
and plans.
As such, Thorin tried not to spend too much time with Kili for fear of letting
the truth slip. She was perfectly understanding, bidding him farewell each time
with a sweet smile when he left. He had a feeling, however, that he had sorely
disappointed her when he refused her invitation to join her and her family as
they visited Dale again. She had claimed to not mind it, but her expressive
face gave her away. There was no helping that, though. Not only did he not want
to risk revealing his ongoing discussion with Balin, he also in fact had many
matters to attend to. Thorin watched Kili and her family left for Dale, hoping
to ease the guilt, but it only made it worse. That he couldn’t find her the
next day further added a cut to the heavy weight of guilt. He felt as if he had
betrayed her.
He spoke none of it, of course, to Balin. And though the old dwarf certainly
could tell that he was more distracted than usual, he said nothing of it.
Thorin did try to focus on the problem at hand, but every lull in conversation
brought his mind to Kili and how he might have dismayed her. It had been a very
long time since his last relationship and he was rather at a loss of what he
should do to earn her forgiveness. Should he gift her with jewelries? But she
didn’t like them much. Perhaps a private time together then? He truly couldn’t
afford much longer than an hour, however, and if he did try to do that he might
rouse suspicion. That left… Well, there was one other way he used to do before,
but he shuddered at the thought of doing it to Kili at her age, even though it
wasn’t against the current law. Besides, who was he to ask for the permission
to touch her? They were not lovers and though he could demand it as her king,
it would be an abuse of his authority.
His distraction didn’t improve and at midday, Balin stood up with a sigh.
“Perhaps a little break will help, laddie,” he said, using the affectionate
nickname he had given Thorin when he was under Balin’s tutelage and care.
Thorin could only nod. He closed his eyes tiredly when Balin left his office.
He felt weary, physically and mentally, that he felt he might fall asleep. But
his mind kept wandering to one subject in particular and not even a good pacing
around the room helped. What had he become? Thorin dared not say lovelorn, but
his affection for Kili wasn’t insignificant. At the very least he wished to
make her as happy as he could, to never cause her any pain or disappointment.
However, he feared he had failed himself and Kili.
His troubled thoughts wouldn’t be contained in his office, so Thorin took a
walk along the many corridors of Erebor. The change of view and gentle wind did
help a little in clearing his mind. Thorin admired the beauty of his kingdom,
the near-endless expanse of fertile land inhabited by good hardworking people,
and tried not to think of responsibilities, future, and disappointments. It
occurred to him that perhaps he needed to leave his duties for a while to enjoy
what he had worked so hard to achieve. Of course, knowing that his subjects
were happy and prosperous was a pleasure of its own, but perhaps he should take
part in said happiness instead of merely observing it. However, the thought of
leaving his tasks to others, even for a while, made him feel inexplicably
guilty. He had been raised for the very purpose of fulfilling a king’s many
responsibilities. To stay away from it seemed to him a failure to his
forefathers. His father had never complained about his duties even to his death
and his grandfather had gone to war to protect his people despite his advanced
age. Compared to their sacrifices, his exhaustion and distraction meant
nothing. He couldn’t put aside his tasks only because of fatigue. Sighing
quietly, Thorin continued walking.
Quiet voices from the library drew Thorin’s attention. The room was usually
quiet, but now there were chatters coming from inside. Curiously, he went
inside to find Kili’s faithful attendants. They bowed at the sight of him and
made as if to call her attention, wherever she was, but Thorin raised his hand
to stop them. He followed the direction of their eyes to find the young dwarf,
hidden behind tall shelves full of old tomes and scrolls. Perhaps he should
leave her alone as she clearly didn’t want her attendants hovering near her,
but he couldn’t resist—not when she was so near. So, Thorin told the attendants
to stay while he approached Kili. He kept his footsteps light, not wanting to
give his presence away. Thorin felt as if he was a hunter, though Kili was more
an equal than a game or a prey to him. Or perhaps he was a voyeur unable to
resist the call of forbidden desire. The thought made Thorin flush and he very
nearly changed his mind, but by then he had caught sight of Kili and couldn’t
find it in him to walk away.
Kili was standing in front of a large relief flanked by two large statues on
one side of the library, her back turned toward Thorin. It was so strange
seeing her so silent and still, having been accustomed to her cheerful nature
for the past couple of months. Perhaps this was another side of Kili, one he
hadn’t previously seen, just as he hadn’t expected deep insight into trade
agreements from her. Perhaps she’s not always quite so boisterous and lively as
she usually presented herself to the world. Thorin observed her quietly,
wondering if it was a trespass or not to watch her like this in secret. Maybe
he should go, leave her to whatever thought was running in that fascinating
mind of hers, but he was curious, wanting to see exactly what she’s thinking
and feeling, longing for her companionship as he had been deprived of it this
morning.
Just a moment, Thorin promised himself. Just a quick chat and he would return
to his study to continue his discussion with Balin and she could go and do
whatever she wished to. Still walking quietly, he approached her. Something
must have given him away, however, because just a few steps short of reaching
her, Kili turned to fix him with a sharp gaze. Recognition immediately flashed
through her, however, and she gave Thorin a small smile and curtseyed. He
smiled warmly to her and came to stand beside her, abandoning attempts at
secrecy.
“What do you think of this relief?” he asked, looking at the relief although he
wished to take his fill of her with his eyes.
“It’s beautiful. I’ve never seen details like in the dwarfs’ armors and
weapons, the orcs, and the mountain here,” Kili replied sincerely, sounding a
little awed. She paused, then glanced at Thorin. “Is this your father, Thrain?”
Thorin nodded, smiling wistfully at the likeness of his father. “It is,” he
confirmed. Then, “the one you thought I had killed,” he added mischievously.
Kili scowled playfully. “I just told you the speculation I heard!” she said in
defense, drawing a quiet chuckle from Thorin. “He didn’t look much like you,”
she commented.
“No, he didn’t. People say I resemble my grandfather more.” Thorin pointed to
the statue near Kili. The twin statues were older than the relief, depicting
Thror decades before he perished. He was a king adorned by the riches of his
kingdom there, instead of the warrior king Thrain was pictured to be. The
contrast might be strange but that was how they were remembered and that was
how Thorin wanted to remember the legacy they had passed to him.
Kili tilted her head, studying the statue intently. She then turned to Thorin
and gave him a similarly breathtaking focus. Thorin tried not to fidget and
fought to breathe, allowing her to study him as she wished. He wondered what
she saw in him, if there’s anything pleasing. Fervently, he hoped there was.
“You do look like him,” Kili finally decided with a nod.
Thorin smiled. “In more than appearance, I’ve been told, although I can’t
honestly say I’m aware of it. I suppose it makes sense, however, since we spent
so much time together.”
“Were you close to him?”
“Quite. My father was almost always occupied with his duties, travelling Middle
Earth to reaffirm alliances and negotiating with new allies among others, since
my grandfather was too old for much travel. I rarely saw him when I was a young
child.” Until his adolescent years, he had worried that his father hadn’t liked
him. But much later, long after Thrain began to teach him to be a proper prince
and their relationship improved, he had realized that Thrain had only nursed
his broken heart in the only way he knew, by dedicating himself to his duties.
Thorin smiled wistfully to himself, scolding himself for thinking about
indulging himself. “My grandfather always tried to spend some time with me
every day. He taught me riding, music, and dance. I am sadly only good in one
of them,” he joked, looking at the statue as he recalled fond memories of his
late grandfather.
Kili raised an eyebrow. “Which one would that be? You are an excellent rider
and dancer from what I’ve seen and I have heard good words on your voice and
your skill with the harp.”
The compliment threatened to bring a blush to Thorin’s face, but he managed to
only laugh. “Riding. I’m not gifted in arts and lack of practice doesn’t help.”
He exhaled heavily, looking at the statue again. Though lightened by Kili’s
companionship, his weariness still sat firmly on his shoulders and the reminder
of easier time only made him all the more aware of it. “He died in the Battle
of Azanulbizar. I was there when it happened,” he said quietly, his mind
replaying the moment Thror’s head fell from his shoulders to roll on dirty
ground. Beside him, Kili stirred, so Thorin continued before she could pity
him. Warrior kings were not to be pitied, even if the memory of witnessing
deaths did hurt. “There’s still much I need to learn from him. My father was an
excellent teacher in matters relating to Erebor, but he struggled with other,
more personal matters—we have that in common. I wonder now how Thror managed to
spare his time for me. It seems to me that duty is always calling and delaying
to give it proper attention is never an option.”
His tiredness must have been obvious, for the look Kili gave him was no longer
playful. Instead, she looked at him somberly, with slight crease between her
brows. “Heavy is the head that wears the crown,” she said quietly.
This comment somehow broke a dam in Thorin’s chest. He trembled slightly as if
indeed weighed down by the crown upon his head. No one seemed to care that he
overworked himself, believing that it was simply part of his duty. They saw his
exhausted but never offered but brief reprieves that did little to alleviate
his tiredness. Frustrations threatened to spill from his lips. He so longed to
share them with Kili who, even if she wouldn’t understand it, would surely
listen attentively. The force of this feeling was so strong that Thorin felt he
needed physical support. He looked at Kili who still watched him with a great
care, and felt a yearning to hold her, to selfishly borrow some of her youthful
strength. He thought she would let him if he were to ask, if due to nothing
more than platonic companionship. Still, his sense of honor didn’t allow him to
take advantage of her compassion.
“Come sit with me,” he asked softly, instead.
Kili frowned but followed him. Thorin pulled two chairs together in a section
lighted by candles but far from prying eyes. His instinct was to take her to a
darkened corner where he might let go of some of his inhibition, but he fought
it. As they sat together and Kili leaned forward, her hands on her knees so
close to touching him but refraining from it, Thorin thought he had made the
right decision. He took a deep breath, wondering where to start. There were so
many things we wanted to tell her, but so few things he actually could. He
supposed, after a moment of thought, that Dale was a good and safe place to
begin.
“I apologize for not going with you to Dale yesterday. I should have. I
promised, after all,” he said, although he had made no such promise at all.
Kili’s brows furrowed deeper. “There’s no need to apologize. I understand that
you were busy. Although, now I think perhaps you really should have joined us.”
Thorin smiled thinly. “I hate breaking promises.”
Kili shook her head vehemently. “Don’t mind it, especially on my behalf! I
admit I was disappointed—I looked forward to spending the day with you—but that
doesn’t matter. What matters is how it seems to me you have worn yourself out
working and how going to Dale could’ve helped!”
The admission sent warmth across Thorin’s body. His hand twitched, longing to
hold Kili’s. He wondered what could’ve happened had he gone with her. He
imagined guiding her through the busy roads of Dale with a hand on the small of
her back, investigating curious items side by side, leaning close to each other
to whisper conversations no one should hear, or even helping her mount and
dismount her pony though she didn’t need his assistance. How happy he would’ve
been, stealing a day with her, forgetting duties in favor of keeping her
company! Thorin ducked his head, embarrassed by the turn his traitorous mind
took. Just being near Kili should be enough, touching her would be a privilege
he hadn’t earned. But, his body rebelled, wanting to know the softness of her
skin and hair.
“It would’ve helped,” he admitted. “But I couldn’t go.”
“Was there so much to do that you couldn’t even spare a few hours for
yourself?” Kili asked in dismay.
“There is.”
Kili frowned. Thorin watched her quietly. He hated causing her this expression,
he learned. It didn’t suit her. She’s more suited for smiles and laughter,
bright untroubled eyes, and cheeks reddened by happiness. Thorin quickly
regretted revealing himself to Kili. He had only thought of himself, how he
might ease the burden of his work and his guilt over his broken promise, not
thinking much of how she might take the truth. True, he had (hoped for)
expected her care, but not to the point where it would trouble her. He had
lived much longer than her, had faced difficulties for too many decades to
count, he should have known better than to bother others with his own weakness.
He definitely should’ve known better than to distress her.
“Don’t worry. It will be finished soon,” he lied.
“Not soon enough!” Kili insisted, still frowning. “Father and Mother always say
you are an example to follow. They say we should be as hardworking, wise, and
strong as you, but I don’t think they think much of your well-being when they
say that. Being too strong and hardworking are not necessarily good things.”
“I’m all right,” Thorin denied. “Just a little weary, is all.”
A light weight on his knee stopped Thorin. He looked down at the slender digits
touching him, pushing with just enough pressure to be felt. It was the first
time Kili touched him and he couldn’t help the leap of his pulse, inappropriate
though it was. He clenched his own hand which rested near hers, fearing he
might forget himself and held her hand. She only meant to comfort and show her
point, not to rouse his thirst for physical touch. Thorin mustn’t take
advantage of it. With great difficulty, he fought to not show his yearning,
hiding it behind a façade of mild concern, instead. Fortunately, Kili missed
Thorin’s inner turmoil entirely.
“Your people are not as selfish as to demand you to work yourself to death.
They will understand if you take a moment—or a day!—for yourself!”
Thorin swallowed. Kili’s passionate plea and touch teased his senses as he
tried to think clearly. “I know that, but the way I was raised I was prepared
to dedicate myself to my duties. There is so much work to do, so many
expectations that I cannot-must not disappoint. I can’t think of myself when
there’s so much at stake.”
“Your duty is not only to your people, but also to yourself,” Kili said firmly,
surprising Thorin. “Has it ever occurred to you that you, too, deserve the
happiness you’ve given to so many others? That you must try to give yourself
that happiness?” She pursed her lips when Thorin was quiet. “Not all happiness
is selfish. If you prioritize your needs despite knowing the misery it will
bring others, then it is selfishness. But I know you won’t do that. You won’t
neglect your people, and if there is any suffering caused by your absence, you
will fix it. You’re allowed to take a rest and do what you want instead of what
you have to do. It is not a fault to strive to be happy and to be kind to
yourself.”
What was there to say to such well-intentioned admonishment? Thorin ducked his
head, chastised. He was embarrassed for having to be scolded by someone so
young and yet Kili’s unmistakable care only made him hopeful and happy. It had
been a long time since anyone demonstrated their care for him so openly. Thrain
had showered him with presents and attention when Thorin was much younger and
Thror had had his own way of showing his affection. Balin, for all his fondness
for Thorin, always took care to restrain himself and put lessons and respect
before all else, while Dwalin, who was Thorin’s closest friend, showed his care
in mockery and silent companionship. Kili’s insistence for him to be happy and
the way she freely displayed her care for him through her expression and
gestures filled the hole he didn’t know he had in his heart.
“You seem to think very highly of me. Are you sure I am as good as everything
you just said?” Thorin said, smiling.
Kili raised an eyebrow and leaned back slowly, as if uncertain she had changed
Thorin’s mind. Thorin forced himself not to reach out when she withdrew her
hand from his knee. “Well, I wasn’t before, when I first arrived,” she said
with a small shrug. “But now I’m sure people don’t do you justice when they
talk about you,” she continued.
“And what do they say?”
“That you are a wise, strong, nearly divine king. But now I know that you are
not that at all.”
“Oh?” Thorin wondered, suddenly unsure.
Kili nodded. “Now I see that you are a perfectly mortal dwarf. Your famously
excellent qualities are hard-earned and not innate. Extraordinary though you
are, you are not untouchable.” Kili smiled. “I don’t think I’ve met a better
dwarf.”
Thorin bowed his head, hiding the flush of happiness he could feel spreading
across his feature. “I’m glad I have your approval.” He tried to jest, but it
was true. Kili’s good opinion of him meant more than the millions empty
compliments he had earned in all his years. Thorin couldn’t remember the last
time he had felt this happy.
“Now if only you would take better care of yourself!”
Thorin laughed jovially, his voice filling the library. The tension that had
filled him had almost completely disappeared. He felt he could breathe and move
more freely now. He looked at the young dwarf before him and felt his heart
almost burst with affection and gratitude. “I promise to try. Now, would you
tell me about your latest visit to Dale? I wasn’t able to accompany you
yesterday, but I can go there through your story.”
This lighted up Kili’s eyes and she eagerly nodded. Thorin spent the next hour
listening attentively to Kili’s detailed account of the previous day. It
delighted him that she seemed to take great care to mention every little thing
she had seen to help transport him to the human city, minding what he just said
about taking him to the city through her story. Thorin almost felt guilty that
half the time he was distracted by her excitement, but then he remembered what
Kili said about allowing himself some happiness. This was probably not what she
had had in mind when she said it, but Thorin thought there’s no harm in silent
admiration. Thankfully, Kili was so engrossed in her storytelling to suspect to
true extent of his admiration. So, Thorin looked and listened, and when her
story came to its inevitable end, he regretfully led her out of the library.
They parted with smiles and a promise to see each other again the next day.
Thorin returned to his office, where Balin no doubt had been waiting for him,
with purposeful steps and smile. He had made his decision.
===============================================================================
Thorin’s view of romance was a strange combination of strict courtship codes
taught by his tutors and casual indelicate engagements he observed in taverns.
He usually adhered to the proper way of courting, of course, but he would lie
if he hadn’t, in his youth, explored the excitement of unbridled passion. As a
king, he knew that he was expected to follow the restrictive code of conduct in
relationship, though he had never practiced it, as he was always too busy with
his royal duties. This time, too, wasn’t an exception. He was to be subtle in
his approach, showing his intention through cryptic words or mere presence.
Conversations were to be heavily monitored and any sign of passion was
absolutely forbidden. Somehow, this maddening process was supposed to help him
win someone’s heart or, he supposed it was pointless to deny, someone’s
parents’ approval. It was rather frustrating, but necessary to protect
everyone’s honor.
Thorin doubted Kili would appreciate that sort of courtship, however. Their
relationship was based on honesty and freedom to be oneself. Thorin appreciated
that Kili spoke freely to him and he tried to do the same without overburdening
her with political concerns he constantly faced. Though Thorin was the more
private of the two of them, he tried to speak as plainly and honestly as
possible to her, sharing with her things that he had only told a handful of
people. Thorin knew Kili would expect him to never change, no matter how the
dynamics between them did. She likely wouldn’t be happy that the comfortable
companionship they had would have to be replaced by rigid interactions. Indeed,
Thorin could easily imagine her turning him down to avoid such constraint. In
fact, he didn’t want such constraint. However, he wanted a chance to court her,
a chance to convince her of his worthiness to be in her life, and so he must
endure it. Hopefully, she would be willing to do the same.
As the day of Kili’s return to Ered Luin approached, the pressure to begin the
courtship increased. Thorin deliberated this alone, not wanting to risk Balin
or Dwalin’s consul. Balancing the intricacy of courtship and the frankness
expected of him wasn’t easy and his perfectionism didn’t allow him to make any
mistake. There’s too much at stake, after all. He scarcely dare to imagine how
it would be if Kili rejected him. She had a big heart—bigger than his—and would
eventually accept him back into her life, but no doubt the closeness they had
nurtured during her stay would suffer. Thorin would lose not only a lover, but
also a friend. After these wonderful weeks of laughter, care, and confessions,
he dreaded returning to his dull solitude. This had to work, or at least
allowed Kili to let him down gently without any feeling of guilt or
awkwardness.
When inspiration finally came to Thorin, he made excuses from his duties and
exchanged his study for the forge. Materials were provided by surprised
workers, who were immediately shooed away to let Thorin work in peace. He had
experience in forging, as any dwarf did, but he was painfully out of practice.
His first experiment to tease out his old skill was with low grade iron. Thorin
quickly rediscovered the proper strength required to wield hammers to shape the
metal, but forming delicate parts took a little longer to recall. His first
creation in decades was so poorly made he threw it back into fire immediately
after it cooled. Then, he practiced again and again and again, almost foregoing
sleep entirely in his dedication. All in all, it took nearly a week for him to
finally produce what he desired, a personal gift for her. Drenched in sweat, he
looked at it proudly, imagining it adorning Kili. He didn’t want to bother her
by suddenly asking to court her, so he would give her a chance to show him
whether she wanted to be courted or not.
Thorin thought of giving the present to Kili as soon as it’s finished, but felt
it would be unfair to make it seem like he expected a reply before she
departed, a day which approached far too quickly for his taste. This was a big
decision to make and preparation for a long way home could be stressful enough.
Thorin finally decided to give it to her just before she went home as to allow
her ample time to think. A lot of time could present a risk, of course, but
Thorin assured himself that he had built a decent rapport with her. Hopefully,
it was enough to convince her to give him a chance. In the meantime, he tried
to give her more attention and spend more time with her, trying to covey to her
the affection growing inside him so that when the time came for her to decide,
she might be convinced to accept his regards.
Thorin’s heart pounded in his chest when Vilir and his family came before his
throne to say good-bye. Never before had he felt this nervous, especially when
he was sitting on his throne. Sitting there usually filled him with confidence
and pride, but not that day. That day, Thorin felt slightly out of sorts. His
eyes were continually drawn to Kili and how somber she looked in her blue
travelling dress. Was it hopefulness or was there really reluctance to leave in
her eyes? Thorin itched to take hold of his gift and hand it to her, if only to
end the speculation.
“Thank you for your graciousness, for having us here. Never in life did we
imagine to receive an invitation from the king himself. We shall never forget
this summer,” Vilir said, bowing deeply.
Thorin nodded in acknowledgement. “In the future we should keep correspondence.
I should like to hear more about Ered Luin directly from its lord.”
Vilir smiled widely at this. “I will endeavor to do that!”
Thorin smiled to him and turned his eyes to Dis, who stood a little behind her
husband. He said nothing but the curve of her lips let him know that she
realized he extended the request for correspondence to her as well. “Fili, you
should practice your sword skill. I want to see you announced a champion in
Erebor’s annual summer feast someday.”
Fili blinked, surprised to have been addressed as Thorin rarely spoke with him.
He quickly regained his composure, however, and bowed obediently. “Yes, your
majesty,” he said as his parents sent happy glances to each other.
Now at last came the part Thorin had both dreaded and looked forward to.
Unfamiliar trepidation filled him as he looked at Kili. He could change his
mind yet. Friendship with both the lord and lady of Ered Luin should be enough
to secure the region’s loyalty without risking his precious relationship with
Kili. However, this wasn’t only about politics. He truly wanted Kili’s heart
and, later, her hand in marriage. If he didn’t take this risk, if he allowed
this chance passed him by, he knew he would spend the rest of his life in
regret. With this in mind, he beckoned Kili to come to him. “Kili,” he called.
Kili looked surprised but came forward. She climbed the stairs slowly until she
stood in front of the throne. Thorin stood up and smiled at her when she looked
at him curiously. He wanted to stroke her cheek or hold her hand, to have the
memory of her to comfort him in her impending absence. Instead, he slipped a
hand into the inner pocket of his clothes and pulled out the hair clasp he had
made for her. Silver mithril glimmered under torchlight and the sapphires he
had selected carefully to decorate the edges shone around the lovingly-made
symbol of her name. The metal was supposed to weigh nothing, but the jewelry
felt heavy in Thorin’s hand when he handed it to Kili.
“I made this for you,” he said. “It’s to hold your hair back since you don’t
like beads and plaits. It would please me greatly if you’d wear it the next
time we meet.”
Thorin smiled at Kili, but she was too dumbstruck by the sight of the gift to
see it. When she failed to immediately take the hair clasp, doubt began to
invade Thorin’s mind. His smile dropped a little. Would he be rejected so soon?
Was it not a good thing to ask her now as she was leaving, after all? Was the
gift not to her liking? Had he miscalculated everything? Kili didn’t seem
repulsed or angry, but she didn’t seem happy, either. A quiet cough from Dis
broke the silence so abruptly that both Thorin and Kili nearly jumped. They
both immediately regained their bearings and Kili finally looked at him.
Thorin’s smile returned when she took the gift. His palm was warm where her
fingertips grazed him as she took the jewelry.
“Thank you,” she said, giving him a quick smile before returning to her family
without further word exchanged. Thorin didn’t mind. He understood that it must
be surprising. He took comfort in the way she held the gift close to her heart
tightly.
“I should like to visit you next summer. It’s been a long time since I saw Ered
Luin,” Thorin announced.
“It would be a great honor for us!” Vilir said after a shocked second of
silence.
The family departed soon after. Thorin saw them off from a balcony. The sunny
day seemed to bring promise and his skin was still warm from where she had
inadvertently touched him. He tried not to get too hopeful, however. There were
many things at stake for her, changes which she might find undesirable. Thorin
might be king, but he wasn’t exempt from rejection and he hoped Kili knew this.
As much as Thorin wanted to be with her, he’d rather not have her be forced to
accept by his station. It would break his heart, but it would be better than
have her by his side but miserable.
Thorin watched the carriage and the ponies of the guards disappeared in the
distance. Sighing heavily, he turned around and returned inside his kingdom.
Now, he waited.
===============================================================================
It wasn’t an hour after Kili’s departure that Balin came to Thorin’s study,
much earlier than their scheduled meeting. Thorin rolled his eyes as his
advisor was let in. He focused on some documents, though, affecting cool
indifference. He did have a certain image to maintain even among those closest
to him. Balin in particular he wasn’t inclined to immediately open up to,
considering the grief he had put him through by pushing marriage between Thorin
and Kili. True, now Thorin wanted it, but he was still displeased that such
private decision had been initiated by someone else. Thorin might have little
interest in the romance in songs and tales, but he still believed it should
come as naturally as possible.
“News certainly travels fast in this mountain,” Thorin said dryly after the
door closed behind Balin. He dismissed the guard stationed in the study. Erebor
might already hear about his gift for Kili, but it didn’t mean he wanted to add
his private insight to further fan the fire.
“So it is true that you’ve proposed to her?” Balin asked, sounding pleasantly
surprised.
“A gift is hardly a proposal.”
Balin’s frown was palpable in his voice. “Then…?”
“It is a token of my affection,” Thorin said, flushing a little. It was the
first time he said it out loud and the way his heart skipped a beat at it made
him all the more certain that it’s true. The giddiness he felt was
embarrassing. He was too old for such excitement. Bards sang of young lovers’
barely-restrained feelings and passionate gestures of affection, but those his
age, and especially those in his station, were expected to handle love with
dignity. “I only made my intention known.”
Balin hummed thoughtfully. “I only meant to joke when I teased you at the
feast, but apparently you’ve truly taken a liking on her.”
“Not everything is about politics, Balin.” Thorin frowned, feeling compelled to
remind his friend. Admirable though Balin’s dedication to Erebor was, it
sometimes seemed he had been blinded from other aspects of life. Thorin was the
same mere months ago, but Kili had shown him the error of his ways and he felt
obligated to keep practicing his lesson even in her absence.
“No, of course not. I merely didn’t expect… Well, no matter. I believe you’ve
made the right decision.”
Thorin grunted. “I suppose you must be happy,” he said, unable to completely
keep the accusing tone from his voice.
Balin was quiet for a moment. “I’m glad that we’ve come closer to securing our
power over Ered Luin, but you are correct: This is not all about politics,” he
said gently. “Perhaps it was, in the beginning, but not anymore. So, the more
important question is: Are you happy?”
Finally, Thorin pushed aside the document he had pretended to read and looked
at Balin. He considered lying or changing the topic, but the dwarf before him
was not his advisor, he was his friend. While Thorin might lie to his advisor
to maintain some privacy, he tried to be as honest as possible to his friends,
especially one that had stayed by his side for so many decades and helped made
him who he was today. “Hopeful would be more accurate,” he admitted. Anxiety
was there, too, but he hesitated to admit it.
“She would be a fool to reject you,” Balin said, smiling in reassurance.
“She would be a greater fool to accept only because I’m a king,” Thorin
retorted.
The look Balin gave Thorin was full of exasperation. Just as Dwalin, he held
Thorin in such great esteem that Thorin sometimes thought unrealistic,
especially since they knew his flaws very well. Shaking his head slightly,
Balin sat down when Thorin gestured to a chair. “Perhaps,” he said mildly. “But
from what I heard about how close the two of you were during her stay, I think
it’s very likely that she will accept you.”
Balin’s optimism wasn’t immediately infectious since he didn’t know Kili.
Whatever he had heard or saw to lead him to that conclusion was to be doubted
and hadn’t Balin himself said that no one suspected anything? No one knew what
had happened in their time together. Revelation that came in hindsight upon
hearing that he had given Kili a parting gift was, to Thorin, not reliable,
although no doubt this wouldn’t discourage people from speculating further or
claiming to have known all along. Only Thorin knew what had happened and how
Kili had been when they were together. Only he could tell what the outcome of
his gesture might be, and the truth was he had doubts.
Thorin had replayed Kili’s reaction to his gift over and over in his mind. She
hadn’t been happy, but he hadn’t expected her to. It was sudden and despite his
hope that she had grown quite fond of him, she might only see him as a friend.
Was her shock a good thing or not? It was difficult to tell. Though Kili
usually displayed her feelings freely, this time Thorin had only seen surprise
with no other hint of what she might think of it, what she might think of
Thorin. One moment Thorin was certain Kili had responded positively, if a
little uncharacteristically shyly, by holding the hair clasp tightly and
holding Thorin’s gaze when he announced his planned visit. The next moment he
was certain she had only been polite, unable to reject without causing harm or
shame, and she would produce an excuse to properly refuse him the next time
they met. Thorin wondered how he would survive that. Not the shame, but the
broken heart.
“She has half a year to decide. I will respect whatever her decision is,”
Thorin said quietly. “Although there’s a lot at stake if she refuses.”
Balin nodded in agreement. He didn’t attempt to broach how Thorin would feel if
she refused, knowing well Thorin’s reluctance to share his feelings, although
he sent Thorin a sympathetic look. Instead, he turned his attention to the
other possible ramification of Kili’s rejection. “You should strengthen your
friendship with Vilir and Dis, then. They have great influence over their
people. Having their friendship might reinforce Erebor’s power over Ered Luin.”
“I do plan on keeping a correspondence with both of them. I want to hear about
everything that happens there and I think involving Vilir in some decisions
made in Erebor will prevent the region from feeling neglected.”
“That’s a wise decision,” Balin said in approval. “Vilir is an intelligent
dwarf. His contribution will be greatly valuable.”
Thorin planned on involving Dis as well, but the path to that wasn’t easy. He
knew that despite his support Balin still had doubts over involving ladies of
his court in politics. It was too early in the day to continue their ongoing
discussion, however, so Thorin let that slide for now. “And if all these fail,
Dwalin has offered to annihilate Ered Luin in my name.”
Balin’s expression when he heard that made Thorin chuckle. “Of course, my
brother has,” Balin murmured with the tone of one who had seen this exact
scenario thousands of times.
“His loyalty is truly inspiring, although of course I hope he won’t have to
prove it in such a way,” Thorin said, smirking.
“No, I should hope not.” Balin sighed. “I’m too old for wars,” he said wryly.
“No one wishes for any war. It’s been decades since the last battle and I hope
this peace will continue,” Thorin assured him.
They both went quiet at the thought of the last battle they had fought.
Azanulbizar had claimed the lives of many close friends and relatives. Balin
and Dwalin had lost their father and Thorin had lost his grandfather there.
Though the three of them were hardened warriors, the memory of the mountain of
dwarf bodies still filled them with grief and stole away their voices. Dwalin
was prone to visiting taverns when these feelings struck, while Balin retreated
to the library or empty chambers to quietly weep. Thorin himself had the
tendency to brood, hiding away in his chambers with all lights extinguished, as
if trying to hide from grief, though it never failed to find him. Many dwarfs
were still haunted with these memories. Some of them took it worse than others.
Thorin hoped later generations who only knew of battles from tales and songs
would continue to only know them that way. Skirmishes with orcs and wargs on
the borders were one thing, but Thorin wanted to spare his people the painful
experience of a real war.
“Let’s not brood on such a fine day,” Balin suddenly said. The smile he gave
Thorin was only partially forced. “You should be happy!”
“It’s too early to be,” Thorin reminded him. He pushed away the memory of the
battle to replace it with the fresher memory of Kili’s smiles. He glanced
outside. Indeed, it was a fine day. Was she able to enjoy it from the confines
of the carriage or was she unhappy to only be able to see it? The thought of
Kili wandering and playing in meadows when her party stopped to rest brought a
smile to Thorin’s lips. For a moment, he was tempted to send his ravens to
follow Kili and her family, but he thought better of it. He loved her so and
desperately wished to have a chance to win her heart, but he didn’t want to be
overbearing. Kili should have her own space, especially now, no matter how
difficult it was for him to be parted from her.
“There is some happiness in hope,” Balin said knowingly. “I will take my leave
for now. I’ll come back later for our discussion.”
Once he received Thorin’s permission, Balin stood up to leave. Within moments,
Thorin was all alone again. He should continue his tasks, but he found himself
distracted. Slowly, he rose from his chair and went to a window with a view to
the west. There, green fields carved with winding roads led to distant Mirkwood
and Misty Mountains under the dome of clear blue sky. Somewhere there, Kili was
on her way home. In half a year, Thorin would go there, following the path she
was currently taking. What awaited him in his destination, he couldn’t know for
certain. He could trouble himself with thoughts of rejection, but he also could
comfort himself with hopes for acceptance. Indeed, there was some happiness in
hope, and didn’t Kili say he deserved to be happy? Encouraged by the thought
that by not losing himself in negativity he would be carrying out her
passionate demand, Thorin gave the view one last lingering look before
returning to his desk. He soon lost himself in his tasks, determined to perform
his duties well, not only for his people, but also for himself and Kili.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
     Very sorry for the wait. This chapter actually have been ready since
     September but I decided not to post it because I was worried that I
     might want to change things along the way. And sure enough, I did
     make some significant changes! Thanks for meleerage for the beta and
     suggestions and convincing me to split the fic into more chapters
     instead of deleting some scenes (the second chapter I planned was
     over 40k words long.)
     Warning for dream sex about an underage character.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Months passed with agonizing slowness. Only mere weeks passed until Thorin
admitted defeat in attempting to not count the days to warmer weather when he
could finally go to Ered Luin. His days were dull, he discovered, now that he
didn’t have Kili to talk to in the morning. Erebor felt empty, although he knew
it was as full of life as ever. His royal duties provided him distraction, but
they were temporary. At night, when he retreated to his chambers, his mind
inevitably drifted to Kili and how he wished to see and talk to her again. His
impatient mind had already planned his departure, even though autumn had just
reached its peak. In the end, it was only his pride that kept him from relaying
the plan to his attendants. He must wait, no matter how difficult it was to sit
and watch the days pass him by.
Dwalin, the good friend that he was, personally informed Thorin when Kili
safely arrived in Ered Luin. He merely grinned when Thorin invited him to
nights of drinking and feasting for the next few days. The grin only grew wider
when a couple of weeks after he relayed the news, Thorin sent his ravens away
with messages for Vilir and Dis. Thorin refused to react other than inviting
Dwalin for a rare sparring session to remove excess excitement and agitation.
After all, it was true, if unspoken, that he was anxious to hear about Kili, if
only from her parents.
Thorin refrained from directly inquiring about her, however. Instead, he spoke
of the road, the seasons, and social matters. Vilir kindly responded to him
that frequent rain high in the Misty Mountains had made the road home
challenging. However, their party managed to pass it safely and the forests
roads they took afterward were relatively safe. Thorin noted things he would
have to watch out for when he went to Ered Luin the next year. Dis sent back a
warm message thanking Thorin for the opportunity to relive her childhood and
rediscover old friends. Amidst her writing of their conversations in Erebor,
both during her recent visit and during her life there, she mentioned Kili and
her excitement after seeing the world beyond her home for the first time. This
small note, no more than a line long, nearly tempted Thorin to ask further
about Kili. He wanted to know how she was doing and what she thought of his
intention. Somehow, he found the will to deny himself. He would see it for
himself in a few months. For now, he contended himself with building a new
friendship and strengthening an old one.
The kind of relationship he had with Kili—if it could be called that—was new to
Thorin. His previous lovers, some of whom were high-born ladies, hadn’t
required such delicate treatment. It wasn’t just the matter of the rules of
courtship. He was well aware of that, having observed that closely in his
previous relationships. Kili required an extra layer of carefulness, partly due
to the political ramification of a failed courtship and partly (or rather
mostly, if he were honest) due to who she was. At every stage, Thorin was
worried of displeasing her in some way. He knew he had to be as earnest as
possible and match her passion as best as he could, as reserved feelings and
quiet gestures rived with hidden meanings would frustrate her if prolonged. At
the same time, he didn’t want to be too eager and put too much pressure on her,
hence his decision to not write to her. It was easy to abuse his status as king
and, further, he understood that at Kili’s age (and with her personality) she
might still desire freedom. Combined with the distance between Erebor and Ered
Luin and the many rules he had to obey now that his intention was public, he
frequently wondered if he had any chance to win Kili’s affection.
Thorin was so preoccupied with the right ways to do things that he forgot
another aspect of relationship. Physical affection had never been an issue for
him. While he had mostly displayed no less than perfect self-control before his
lovers, he had never denied his needs, and neither had they. Even those who
preferred to remain chaste before marriage had understood when he sought his
pleasure elsewhere. It’s all done with great discretion, of course, and extra
precautions were taken, but the truth remained that he had usually embraced his
desires.
The same couldn’t be said with Kili. With her, holding hands seemed to be a
thing of a dream. Thorin had hesitated to touch her for fear of affronting her,
as well as to adhere to the strict code of courtship. Dancing with her in the
summer feast, her hand in his, was a memory he greatly cherished. Thorin
thought so much of courting her properly and not driving her away that he
forgot his lust. Fed by little information sent by Dis regarding how Kili spent
her time far from him, his yearning grew without him realizing. Usually kept
away by thoughts of responsibility, it came to the surface when winter arrived
to slow his kingdom down and Thorin couldn’t send his ravens to Dis to
alleviate his longing for Kili.
Erebor’s royal vault seemed bigger in his dream than in real life. The
mountains of gold were higher, the sea of coins and jewelries more expansive,
and everything seemed to glitter all the brighter. Thorin walked in a daze
among the riches as if it was his first time seeing such wealth. Once in a
while he thought he saw things he recognize, but upon closer look they were
different, more beautiful, nothing that any king in Middle Earth could possibly
own. He kept walking in amazement, unable to believe that these might belong to
him, until he spotted Kili sitting among the gold. She was naked, he noted with
hazy surprise, but for the hair clasp he had gifted her. In her hand, she had
the Arkenstone, but she dropped it when she saw him.
Thorin could scarcely breathe when Kili approached him. Try as he might, he
couldn’t stop his eyes from roaming her body. She was very slim, he noted with
some alarm. Her breasts were barely developed, her hips were narrow, and hair
barely covered her skin. It was terrifying clear that she had yet fully grown.
Yet, he felt his desire rise all the same at the sight of her. He couldn’t
resist when she pulled his head down to kiss him. Her mouth was sweet and warm
when Thorin claimed it and her body was delightfully pliant when he pulled her
close. He realized dimly that he was naked as well and his stiff cock was
pressing against her lower abdomen demandingly. Noting this, Kili reached
between their bodies to stroke him slowly, her hand soft as the finest silk,
making him moan into her mouth. He began to push into her small fist while
trying not to break their kiss, marking every inch of the warm cavern as his
with his tongue. He had to pull away, however, when her thumb swept over his
tip, wet with early seed. Instead, he pressed many kisses against the side of
her face and her neck, whispering praises that he didn’t understand. It seemed
to please Kili, as she laughed breathlessly while baring more of her slender
throat. This, in effect, made her arch her back and pushed her chest toward
Thorin. Unable to resists, one of Thorin’s hands travelled from her back to cup
the slight swell of her breast. Her moan when his thumb teased her nipple was
so beautiful that Thorin had to kiss her again.
When Kili gently pushed him down to sit among the gold, Thorin quietly obeyed,
still losing himself in the taste of her on his tongue and the softness of her
around him. He snapped into some awareness, however, when she straddled him.
His hands flew to her waist to stop her. She’s so small, too small, that the
thought of his cock spearing her frightened Thorin. He would hurt her. There
was no chance he wouldn’t hurt her. He must stop. But, in his dream he was
powerless. With hands on his shoulders, Kili sank down onto him, enveloping his
cock in her velvety warmth inch by inch by inch until she was seated on his
lap, his hardness buried deep inside her clutching body. A groan erupted from
Thorin’s mouth as he was surrounded by vice-like tightness. Velvety muscles
trembled and massaged his throbbing cock. Almost immediately, Thorin was on the
edge, ready to spill even though he had just entered her. There were familiar
tightness at the bottom of his stomach and demanding twitch of his hardness
that steadily leaked inside Kili. But, in front of him, there wasn’t any
pleasure found on Kili’s face. She frowned as she lifted herself up and her
gasp when she lowered herself again was full of pain.
Fear brought some semblance of awareness to him. “No,” Thorin begged,
tightening his grip on her waist. His fuddled mind couldn’t decide whether to
keep her on top of him or remove her from him. He knew for certain, however,
that he must make her stop moving. “Stop. Don’t hurt yourself. Kili, please,
no.”
But Kili didn’t listen and in the dream Thorin’s prided strength was
nonexistent. Kili bounced on his lap even as tears ran down her face. She was
impossibly tight as it gripped his insistent erection. Whimpers and cries
escaped her full lips whenever Thorin filled her completely, but still she
refused to stop, taking the girth, stretching her deep into her clenching body.
This sight should have dampened Thorin’s desire, but he slipped closer and
closer to his release. He could feel himself spilling copious amount of early
seed inside her and it was increasingly impossible to not buck his hips and
thrust into her body. Loud cries escaped Kili as Thorin took her, thrusting
upward every time she sank down onto him. Metallic scent infiltrated his senses
as Kili moved in near frenzy, her body drawing him closer to the peak until
finally, with a hoarse shout, Thorin came deep inside her lovely body. He
pulled her close and, this time, she went willingly. Her trembling hands
caressed his back as he helplessly pulsed inside her.
“I’m sorry,” Thorin whispered over and over again as he rolled his hips up
unconsciously, his body unable to resist the pleasure Kili offered.
Thorin was almost relieved when Kili pushed him away. However, the relief was
short-lived, as she only moved to lie down upon gold coins in front of him.
Thorin swallowed thickly at the sight she presented, though his eyes didn’t
dare to stray down between her legs. Kili’s face was reddened by exertion and
tears and her chest still heaved, but she smiled shakily at Thorin. Thorin’s
gaze followed her hand when she rested it on her stomach. Somehow, he knew then
that his seed had taken root, that inside her young body their child was
growing. The thought sent terror down his spine. She’s not ready for pregnancy
yet, her body too young to support two lives, her youth not strong enough to
bring a child to this world. He was killing her.
“Thorin. Please,” Kili spoke for the first time.
He should stop. He had done enough damage. She was hurting and she would only
hurt more. But her voice was so pleading that Thorin couldn’t resist. He
lowered himself and let her trembling hand guided his insatiable erection into
her body. He wept when she cried out his name in pain, her body resisting the
intrusion she asked for and he couldn’t refuse giving.
Thorin woke up at the break of dawn. He felt cold although his chamber was kept
warm. A shift made him realize with horror and shame that he had sullied his
clothes with his seed in his sleep. Thorin rubbed his face despairingly. The
terrible dream made him realize things he had previously forgotten in his
anxiety to have his courtship approved. He would hurt Kili. She’s too young to
take him, too inexperienced, her body not ready to receive what he was capable
of giving. He could deny himself the pleasure of her body only for so long. As
well, although herbs could prevent her from carrying any child too early, if
Kili asked, if she wanted him and his child, Thorin knew he wouldn’t be able to
refuse. He would give in to her, just as he did in in the dream, and he would
break her, hurt her, killher. Thorin shut his eyes tightly as guilt overwhelmed
him. What had he done?
===============================================================================
These dreams plagued Thorin throughout winter. Countless of times, he saw
himself inside Kili, tearing her apart as she sobbed and yet asked for more. He
always gave in to her in those dreams, somehow he could never resist, and
together they cried as he rocked into her to completion. A few times, he found
her pale and thin but for the impossibly large swell of her belly, which
distorted her body grotesquely. She would either look at him accusingly or
beckon him to come closer to fill her where there was no more space left as she
struggled to bear a torture he gave her in the name of love. Once, he stood
before a bloodied bed without Kili anywhere in sight and with a baby’s cry in
his ears. He woke up from that dream in the middle of the night, shaking and
drenched in cold sweat. Slept eluded him for the rest of the night, but the
memory of the dream stayed with him.
It was not only at night that Thorin was disturbed. During the day, he could
barely think, torn between yearning and guilt. His only distraction was the
various pains from old injuries that chilly winter brought back. However, even
that could only keep his mind away from Kili for so long. His body betrayed his
mind, burning with needs at every mention or thought of Kili. Reminding himself
of what he had done to her in his dreams hardly helped, leaving him to contend
with shame, arousal, and guilt. He tried taking himself in hand to reduce what
he now realized was repressed desire, disregarding the fact that he was
entirely too old for such activity. Forcefully, he conjured up images of
faceless adult lovers as he stroked himself to completion. It helped a little.
He didn’t dream as many times of claiming Kili, but the other dreams, the ones
where she suffered through pregnancy and labor, remained. Thorin then turned to
his healers for any cure for nightmares. The drought they made indeed gave him
better sleep, but he suspected it didn’t fully remove the dreams. He woke up
with hazy memory of Kili’s tears and an aching in his chest he came to
associate with seeing her in distress.
As a last resort, Thorin threw himself into his work, the only certain escape
that he knew. Gloin’s request for a change of their current trade agreement
provided the right distraction. Thorin spent weeks discussing the matter with
Balin, putting aside his plan to bring ladies to his political circle on hold
for the moment. Balin didn’t argue as it was indeed important to discuss
whether it’s worth paying higher prices for goods from Moria. Moria was a rich
mine, but without any farmland, they relied on other regions, such as Erebor,
for survival. With its growing population, it was understandable that Gloin
wanted to raise the prices of the jewels the colony mined and sold. However,
Erebor itself was in no shortage of beautiful jewels, having an even richer
mine than Moria, and there were many other colonies willing to sell them the
same jewels at much lower prices. On the other hand, Thorin felt responsible to
help the colony in any way he could. It was after all, his duty as a king to
ensure the welfare of his people. Whether he should do it at the cost of
disadvantaging Erebor was another matter entirely.
Duties took Thorin’s mind off Kili. The stress of refusing Gloin’s demand
reduced the occurrence of the unsettling dreams, although if Thorin let his
mind wandered even for a second, it would find its way to Kili. It was only
inevitable, Thorin mused when he felt brave enough to think of anything other
than his tasks. His affection for her was as strong as his fear of harming her.
Endless matters of governance could turn his dreams away from the ruinous path
of Kili’s pain, but it could do nothing to dampen his longing for her. Thus, he
focused on his tasks to spare his conscience from the worrying thoughts of
harming Kili. However, when winter approached its natural end and turned to
spring, the distraction was no longer sufficient. Thorin’s desire grew stronger
the closer he came to his departure. Many nights he gasped to wakefulness as
his body reacted inappropriately to Kili’s imaginary desire. It dismayed him
that the image of her infiltrated his forced fantasy of adult lovers and he
could not spill without thinking of her face, slack with passion as he claimed
her. Once longed for, the day of his departure now worried him as Thorin grew
increasingly worried that there was almost no good outcome of his intention
toward Kili.
There was no stopping the time, though, and all too soon the weather became
warm enough for travel. Provisions were stocked to last the long journey
halfway around the world. Messages were sent to Ered Luin to notify them of
Thorin’s impending departure. Tasks were delegated among trusted lords.
Thorin’s ravens were prepared to follow him to allow him to give instructions
and orders to his advisors when required. Carriages and ponies were made ready
for the travel. There was excitement in the air that the mountain rarely saw.
People wondered whether their king would soon end his solitary life, whether
they would soon have a queen consort. Such excitement was difficult to resist
even for Thorin. After a while he allowed himself to feel some exhilaration,
though in his case it was still clouded by various private concerns.
Finally, the day of his departure arrived with the spring. Thorin rose early,
earlier than his attendants who came to wake him, unable to rest properly. He
decided not to think too much of why and let himself be prepared for the long
journey to come. Balin came to see him before he left to assure him that Erebor
was ready for his absence. There was actually no need for assurance. This might
be the first time Thorin left his kingdom for an extended period of time since
he became king, but he had full confidence in his advisors. It was only his
guilt over not performing his duties himself which held him back. However, in a
way by leaving he was also performing his duties, but his duties to himself
rather than to Erebor. Thorin smiled to himself. Kili might not know this—she
might not care for him as much as he did—but it still gave him some
satisfaction that he practiced the advice she had given him.
Dwalin had waited for him when he reached his carriage. Thorin paused long
enough to give him a nod. The last time they had gone away together they had
been youths travelling with friends on ponies with little to no provision. Now,
Thorin would ride in a carriage while Dwalin rode a pony in front of him,
leading a party of dozens of guards and carts full of food and other
necessities. If he could, Thorin would ride beside Dwalin, but the times had
changed—the gap between their places in the world far more prominent than
before and enforced by various rules and codes of conduct. Further, Thorin was
hesitant to reveal his thoughts to Dwalin. The road to Ered Luin was long and
he knew he wouldn’t be able to completely keep his many concerns to himself at
all times. Dwalin had known some of his worries, but Thorin was rather
reluctant to share more, especially on the road, where privacy was rare. So,
for now Thorin kept quiet. He knew that Dwalin would understand when the time
came for Thorin to share his thoughts, whenever that might be.
The first day of the travel went pleasingly enough. It had been quite a while
since Thorin went so far from his mountain. It was quite enlightening to see
changes which had taken place in the land, rather than merely hearing about
them from others. There were far more fields now than he remembered and towns
he had visited in his youth had grown larger. Creaky wooden houses had been
replaced by safer and more comfortable buildings made of bricks. Markets that
once only had few goods gathered from surrounding areas now bustled with
activities. At this time of the year, people had just begun to travel and
Thorin was glad to see the number of merchants leaving cities. Seeing with his
own eyes how prosperous his people had become eased him out of the dark route
his dreams often took. He rested easy that night, thinking of the progress he
had made, how he had hopefully made his forefathers proud.
The next few days went the same way, though there were less and less towns and
people to observe. It was enough for Thorin for a while to see how the
landscape had changed. The road became more treacherous, however, as they
neared the Misty Mountains and Thorin was immensely grateful for the extensive
warning Vilir had sent him. The party moved slower, especially when it rained.
Being hardened dwarfs, however, no one complained. Quietly but surely they
trudged on. These days Thorin was glad he had a carriage for shelter and a warm
and comfortable tent to rest in at night. He believed he was as capable of
withstanding the elements as his guards were, but in these rocky roads away
from home, he couldn’t deny he welcomed any form of comfort.
Without the heavy demands of duties, however, meant that his dreams returned.
The closer he came to Ered Luin, the more frequent and vivid they were. A few
times, Thorin woke up from his rest in his carriage with the memory of Kili’s
warmth. Though no one rode nearby, thus seeing him waking up with a gasp of
terror and an inappropriate physical reaction, it still horrified him terribly.
His tent provided better privacy from prying eyes, but not escape from dreams.
On the road, there was no drought to help him through the night and he couldn’t
relieve his frustration on his own without leaving embarrassingly damning
evidence. Thorin was forced to face his intensifying desire for Kili and his
fear of hurting her. In sleep, he embraced and hurt her, made her plead and
bleed for him. In his dreams, Kili never resisted him and he never could resist
her in turn, and as his yearning grew in neglect, he began to fear. He might be
an adult perfectly capable of self-control, but he was only a dwarf. What would
he do when he finally saw her again? Could he satisfy himself with simply
looking? Would innocent touches be enough or would it tempt his yearning?
Distance had kept Kili safe from his weakness, but soon he would be by her
side. Soon, there wouldn’t be anything protecting her from him.
Thorin almost wished Kili would reject him, but solitude would no longer
contend him now that he knew her. The past few months he had been without her
had shown him how important she had become in his life and how she had
unknowingly occupied a place in his heart. She made him happy and forced
himself to be happy in a way no one dared to do. A spark of warmth started in
his chest at the thought of Kili, assuring him of his deep affection for her if
he even for a moment doubted it (and he never did). She had the courage to
match his stubbornness and the kindness to tame his stoicism. Thorin couldn’t
think of a better life companion for himself. He wanted her by his side as his
most beloved, equal to him in every way. If Kili rejected him, he knew he would
spend the rest of his life with a broken heart, even if it’s for her own good.
No matter how his nightmares frightened him, Thorin remained hopeful, and
increasingly so as they passed Misty Mountain and entered friendlier landscape,
Ered Luin quickly approaching.
Growing tired of watching scenery pass by outside the carriage, Thorin make
notes of the road and how he could improve it. He hadn’t gone to this side of
Middle Earth for such a long time that he was rather astounded by how little it
changed, especially compared with what he had seen nearer to Erebor. It’s
little wonder that Kili had only felt as ease after reaching his territory.
Though the region was beautiful, it was woefully unkempt. The roads showing
little sign of being passed and forest occasionally reclaimed the way. Thorin
had some suspicion of what lurked in the darkness, but firelights and guards
seemed to keep them away. The region was perhaps not as safe as Vilir reported,
but Thorin agreed that it wasn’t as worrying as the pass in Misty Mountains.
Nevertheless, it was something to address. The messages were passed to Erebor
by a group of ravens which followed Thorin faithfully. Dwalin had complained
that Thorin shouldn’t be working, but idleness had little to no place in
Thorin’s life.
The party was welcomed with great fanfare whenever they passed dwarf cities.
After weeks of travelling, Thorin finally slept on a proper bed in Nogrod,
where the lord hosted him his own house, which overlooked the beautiful river.
A feast was held for him that night, a delightfully refreshing experience after
the dullness of the road. Thorin would have liked to see more, but, lovely as
the city was, he hastened to leave the next morning, not wanting to delay his
visit any longer. With a helpful direction from the lord of Nogrod, Thorin’s
rejuvenated party took shortcuts that would lead them to Vilir’s hall faster.
The road was slightly more challenging than the main one, but it was nothing
Thorin’s experienced guards and coach couldn’t handle. They spent a couple more
days on the road but this time they rested easy, knowing they were in friendly
territory. The weather was also much agreeable and the view more beautiful now
that it’s close to summer. Thorin had forgotten all about his fears when he
finally reached the main road again. From there, Ered Luin was within sight and
Thorin found himself almost unable to stop smiling.
A large crowd welcomed him the moment he passed the gate of Ered Luin. People
called out his name and pushed each other to catch a glimpse of him as his
carriage slowly went past them, giving them the opportunity to see the king
that had overlooked them for too long. Thorin gave the city little attention.
He felt rather childish, shifting restlessly on his seat. He distinctly
remembered an episode when he was much younger, when his grandfather lightly
tapped his shoulder to still him as he vibrated with enthusiasm at meeting the
first elf delegates he had ever seen. There was no such reminder now so Thorin
had to force himself to sit still as Vilir’s hall slowly came to view. He
noticed then that Dwalin had put two soldiers on either side of his carriage,
something he hadn’t done in Nogrod. However, the crowd seemed friendly with no
sign of animosity. Of course, it’s difficult to tell from Thorin’s point of
view and things might well be different than what appeared on the surface, but
the sight was encouraging nonetheless. He wondered if this was due to his new
friendship with Vilir and Dis, his intention with Kili, or their genuine
sentiment regarding him, and vowed to ask Dwalin later. Nevertheless, it was
clear to Thorin that it was important to have good relationship with Vilir’s
family, in one way or another. He smiled. There was one way he wished to do
more than the other.
Blue banners and cheers greeted Thorin when his carriage finally came to a
stop. Vilir instantly approached him when he got off the carriage. Thorin
smiled at him, glad to see his friend. Their conversation was less stilted now
after many correspondences, with Vilir being far more relaxed, although still
polite as he inquired about the road. Their conversation was brief, as Thorin
could see the rest of Vilir’s family waiting for them near the entrance to
their hall. Thorin’s heart foolishly accelerated at the sight of Kili. She’s no
longer a dream now, or a memory, torturing him in diabolical ways he had never
experienced before. She was here in the flesh for him to see, to talk to, and
perhaps even to touch. Thorin walked in a daze as Vilir led him to his family.
He could barely take his eyes off Kili. It seemed to him that she had become
lovelier since the last time they saw each other, although that might be a
product of his longing. But, he was still sure his dreams, fueled by desire and
yearning as they were, didn’t do justice to Kili’s bright eyes, full lips, tan
skin, and soft hair. It was difficult for Thorin to restrain himself for
immediately approaching her, but he reminded himself that he hadn’t quite
earned the rights to address her so freely. Giving Kili a smile, he tore his
gaze away from her and looked at Dis.
“Welcome to Ered Luin,” Dis greeted him after curtseying.
Thorin nodded. “It’s a lovely city,” he complimented, looking back at the still
cheering crowd.
Dis smiled. “They have been waiting for you since morning.”
“Have they? It’s fortunate that the weather has grown warm. I’d hate them to
wait in cold weather.”
“Indeed, although I’m sure they wouldn’t mind either way,” Vilir laughed.
Thorin chuckled, heartened to hear that the region didn’t oppose him so
terribly, after all. He then turned his attention to Fili. The lad seemed to
have matured some since the last time Thorin saw him. He was slightly taller
and there were more definite hints of muscles under his layers of clothes. The
braids on his moustache were new. Thorin wondered how long until he realized
how distracting they would be in battles. “Fili,” he greeted warmly. “I see you
have grown.”
“He’s been practicing with his swords, just as you said,” Dis supplied proudly.
“Have you?” Thorin asked Fili.
Fili nodded, smiling. “I’m not sure I can win the competition in Erebor yet,
however,” he said humbly.
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Thorin teased, quirking his eyebrow. What he had
seen of Fili’s skill had impressed him. He looked forward to testing it for
himself rather than just looking at it from afar.
Now, finally, Thorin could talk to Kili. A smile spread on his face before he
could stop it. She had that effect on him—he couldn’t stop the happiness
swelling in his chest whenever in front of her. What a sight he beheld! Clad in
light blue dress with only few jewelries, her skin sun-kissed and her cheeks
slightly red, Kili was the epitome of summer. Some might find her appearance
too casual for an audience with the king, but this was how Thorin liked to see
her and he liked to think that she chose this look with this in mind. He
noticed that although she didn’t braid her hair, it was partially pulled back
and away from her face. The thought that she wore his gift for her created a
spark of warmth and pride in his chest.
“How are you?” Thorin greeted her warmly.
“I’m well,” she replied.
He pretended to scrutinize her looks. It’s not entirely a play, but he didn’t
actually have half the criticalness he pretended to have. Kili looked perfect
to him. She was perfect to him. “You’ve barely changed at all,” Thorin joked.
Kili shrugged. “I suppose so.”
Thorin frowned but Kili didn’t see it, looking at the crowd behind him,
instead. Something wasn’t right. Months of separation could lessen one’s
affection, but this cold treatment was a drastic change from their close
friendship before. Now Kili wouldn’t even feign politeness or give Thorin a
smile. It wasn’t as if they were mere acquaintances, it was as if Kili didn’t
think Thorin deserved her attention at all. Some thought hate was the worst
thing to be received from another, but Thorin knew it was indifference that was
most painful and bitter, and that was what Kili was displaying to him now.
“Shall we go inside?” Vilir asked before Thorin could do anything he would
regret.
Thorin didn’t want to wait sorting out whatever it was that had upset Kili, but
he knew better than to make public what was so intensely private. This wasn’t
the right time or place for the conversation he wanted. Thorin glanced at the
crowd behind him. He had thus far managed to keep his relation with Kili
relatively private. He would not ruin it now by attempting to recover the
relationship between them in front of the entire city of Ered Luin. So, Thorin
nodded and let Vilir led him inside the mountain. He kept his eyes on Kili,
however, and when she stepped aside to let him through, he caught a glimpse of
the back of her head. His stomach sank when he saw that it wasn’t his gift, but
a nondescript gold clasp bearing her name that she used to hold her hair back.
===============================================================================
Thorin tried to think that he had overreacted. Kili was under no obligation to
welcome him wearing the mithril hair clasp. Certainly it would be a show of
gratitude and even a sign that his regards were returned, but she didn’t have
to wear it then. He just read too far into her cool treatment combined with the
absence of his gift.
It was difficult to remain hopeful, however, when Kili still failed to wear the
clasp during the feast held for Thorin that very night, when Kili resolutely
avoided looking at him. She spent the night talking to Fili and declined to
dance, thus dashing Thorin’s hope to have a moment with her. Though they sat at
the same table, Thorin couldn’t talk to her at all, or even gain her attention.
If not for the discipline ingrained in him, he would approach her. He could do
so quite freely now that his kingdom knew of his intention, but he’d rather not
put Kili in a situation where she was forced to indulge him. Thus, he returned
dissatisfied to the apartment that usually housed Vilir and Dis but would house
him for his stay. Not even the stunning view of Ered Luin from there could lift
his mood as his mind invariably drifted toward Kili. Thorin wanted her to want
to talk to him and to spend time with him. In order to achieve this, he had to
earn Kili’s forgiveness first, although he wasn’t sure what exactly he had to
atone for.
It proved to be nearly impossible to resolve the issue, however. Now that his
intention was known, though Kili hadn’t accepted his request for courtship, he
and Kili were never left alone. Dis or Fili was always with them, watching over
them. This was not a matter to be discussed in front of others, even relatives,
so Thorin could only keep quiet and look on as Kili ignored him in favor of her
mother or brother. The few words they exchanged were polite but curt, bearing
no closeness they used to have in Erebor. Most of the time, there was tense
silence between them, forcing their chaperone to meddle, which inevitably led
to Kili devoting her entire attention away from Thorin. Kili wasn’t the kind to
hide her thoughts and feelings. Had she merely declined Thorin’s intentions,
she would tell him so with no regard of how a lady was to behave before her
courting king. Neither was this a matter of dissipating closeness after
prolonged separation. Their last encounter had seemed pleasant enough and with
no communication between them, he couldn’t have any chance to offend her. This
silence bore something deeper than unreturned affection, but it was difficult
to know without her acknowledging Thorin’s presence.
Since their countless chats in Erebor had informed Thorin of her strong desire
to travel, to see the world beyond her region and his kingdom, as common for
those her age, Thorin began telling stories about his many travels in his
youth, the political campaign he had had to endure to represent his family. He
even talked about tasks waiting for him in Erebor, lightly complaining about
Gloin’s persistence to revise trade agreement to benefit him more and
disadvantage Erebor, hoping to entice Kili to a discussion as they had had
before. But, although Kili listened intently, she never said a word. It was
then made painfully clear for Thorin that Kili wished to not spend time with
him. And, indeed, she didn’t when she’s able to. She used any excuse to not
accompany Thorin or leave as soon as possible when she couldn’t avoid him.
Within days of arriving in Ered Luin, Thorin wondered if he should abandon his
pursuit of her and return home. But, he wanted Kili, or at least he wanted Kili
to say her rejection directly to him instead of serving him with indifference
and avoidance. He wanted her to speak openly to him, no matter how hurtful it
might be for him, and treated him as a friend if she wouldn’t have him as a
lover.
Unfortunately, Thorin had no opportunity to tell Kili this. Between the lack of
privacy and her reluctance to spend time with him, it was impossible to broach
the sensitive topic. He was, instead, tortured by more ignorance and absence by
Kili. His attempts to talk to her, even on the most inconspicuous subjects,
were studiously thwarted. Thorin slowly approached the point where his temper
usually overcame him and he didn’t want it to get the better of him. He was
well aware of how cantankerous he could be when angered and it was a side of
him he never wished to display to Kili. However, it was increasingly difficult
to do this when Kili continued to behave as if she wished him to be anywhere
but Ered Luin. Thus, left with no other option, he went to see Dis. It occurred
to him that it might be unusual for a suitor to seek the consul of his
beloved’s mother. Furthermore, he hesitated to speak of his feelings for Kili
to anyone. However, he had no other choice. Thorin needed her insights and
honesty when her daughter refused to grant him either.
The wary look that stole over Dis’s face when Thorin invited her for tea
suggested that she knew the conversation to come. Nevertheless, she nodded and
soon a table, tea and an assortment of pastries were set in a lovely room with
plenty of sunlight and a view to the forest. The handmaidens were dismissed and
guards were placed near the door, far from where Thorin and Dis were sat. There
was barely a sound except for the stirring of tea and quiet questions on how
Thorin liked his tea. He glanced at the guards cautiously, wondering whether
their voices would be carried to them. Once sure they didn’t hear anything (or
at least were very good at pretending to not hear anything), Thorin began to
formulate his questions. The first cups of tea were nearly empty when Thorin
finally spoke up.
“I’m under the impression that Kili doesn’t like accompanying me,” he started
quietly.
This time, it was Dis who made sure the guards weren’t listening. “That seems
to be the case,” she sighed.
“Have I done something wrong?” Thorin asked the question which had plagued him
for days. He sipped his tea slowly to keep from revealing his apprehension. “I
dare say we were close friends in Erebor, but now she can barely stand me.”
Dis shook her head. “I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. In fact, you
have done everything perfectly.”
Thorin mulled over this, set down his cup and looked at Dis somberly. “Be
honest with me. Does Kili not consent to my attention to her?”
Thorin braced himself as Dis tried to find a way to reply. If it was true, then
Thorin had no reason to stay in Ered Luin for as long as he had initially
planned. Even if the rejection didn’t come directly from Kili, it still ended
his attempt at courtship. She had half a year to consider his intention, he
doubted that he could change her mind if it had been made up. Furthermore, a
rejection was a rejection. A king or not, Thorin had no right to complain. It
was well within Kili’s rights to refuse his advances for any reason, his
station notwithstanding, even if said rejection had to be given through someone
else instead of spoken plainly to Thorin.
“I honestly don’t know,” Dis finally said. “There are times I’m sure she does,
when she can’t stop talking about you and the time you spent together. I’m very
certain then that her regards for you is as great as yours for her.” Then, she
paused and sighed heavily. “But, there are times she won’t talk about you at
all. No matter how we prompt, she only frowns and keeps quiet. Those days, I
wonder…”
So there was hope yet. It was dim—Kili’s affection for him might be one to a
friend—but still Thorin clung to it. He nodded before moving to the next
pressing question. “Do you know why?”
“No,” Dis replied rather helplessly. “I’ve asked her but she never answers. Not
even Fili knows and you know those two are very tight.”
Thorin nodded. Indeed, the siblings were barely separable and, from Kili’s
stories, he knew they shared almost everything. What could the reason be that
Kili felt the need to hide it from everyone, including Fili? “If not even Fili
knows, I doubt she would confide to anyone else,” he said warily.
Dis bit her lip. “I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier in my letters. But,
some days I think your regards are returned. I didn’t want to drive you away
from her if that is the case.”
“I don’t blame you. This is indeed a confusing situation,” Thorin assured her.
He paused. He wondered if he should ask his next question. It’s far too
personal than what he was usually comfortable with sharing, whether with close
friends or not. However, who else could he ask this to? “I know she never tells
you why, but now that you’ve seen how she behaves around me do you think I
should continue to pursue my intention?”
“Oh. I’m afraid that is not for me to tell,” Dis said, wide-eyed.
“I understand. I would ask Kili this myself but, well.”
Dis looked uncomfortable and perhaps even a little guilty, but she nodded in
understanding nonetheless. “I think you should wait for a while,” she said
after a moment of thoughts. “Kili is upset at the moment, but I know my
daughter. Her anger never lasts very long. Indeed, this is the longest I have
seen her upset with anyone, but I’m sure she will find it in her heart to
forgive you.”
“Eventually,” Thorin said the unspoken.
“Eventually,” Dis confirmed. She looked at Thorin pitifully. “Hopefully sooner
rather than later.”
Thorin couldn’t agree more. Dis’s answer hadn’t completely closed the door of
opportunity for him, but the blatant ignorance from Kili was testing him and he
didn’t know how much more he could take. To return to Erebor without his
affection returned would be quite embarrassing, but Thorin wasn’t so arrogant
that he would put his pride over Kili’s consent. Kili would have to accept him
willingly, or not at all. The thought of Kili not wanting him hurt him more
than he could tell, but he understood just as there was a chance that Kili
returned his regards, there was also a chance that she did not. If anything,
all signs for the past few days pointed to unrequited affection. Distracted,
Thorin barely contributed to Dis’s small talks, his mind running through every
possible outcome of the situation. He never knew courtship could be so
complicated.
===============================================================================
Very little change after the conversation with Dis. Kili still kept her
distance and silence, appearing as if she’d rather be anywhere but near Thorin.
However, Thorin now had slightly better understanding of her behaviors, how it
didn’t necessarily meant rejection. He employed every bit of patience he had
when she was acting difficult, not wanting to tilt her further toward
unfavorable opinion of him. He tried not to pressure her, whether in words or
gestures. Balin had said there was some happiness in hope and Thorin tried to
remain hopeful despite the unwelcoming treatment he received from Kili.
The pressure on Thorin increased when Dwalin reported to him that the people of
Ered Luin were extremely happy with their king’s visit. They had been pleased
to hear the developing friendship between him and Vilir, but this visit
improved their opinion of him even more. Furthermore, they were doubly
delighted with his known interest toward Kili, hoping their courtship would
lead to marriage to ensure greater attention to the faraway colony. They didn’t
know that Kili could barely stand to be in his presence and Thorin dreaded
their action if that hope didn’t come true. They would be disappointed and some
might even lose hope on the region ever receiving proper attention from him
despite his sincere desire to do so. This sort of ill opinion was easy to tilt
toward discontent and, eventually, agitation. Thorin knew he couldn’t hide the
coldness between him and Kili forever and Dwalin warned him that although the
news was stalled due to its private nature, it would reach the public
eventually. Thus, Thorin faced not only the risk of the ruination of his heart,
but also that of his kingdom.
But nothing seemed to soften Kili’s heart. When there wasn’t any story to hold
her attention or any third person between them, Kili would still stay away from
Thorin. Thorin began to wonder if one summer was enough to earn Kili’s favor.
He could, of course, continue to pursue it from the distance after returning to
Erebor, but the situation in Ered Luin demanded immediate solution. If Thorin
couldn’t return home with news of betrothal or with Kili’s close friendship, he
should immediately start on other plans to secure Ered Luin. He might have the
friendship of the lord and lady of Ered Luin, but a rejection from Kili might
necessitate stronger measures. He had to convince the people of Ered Luin that
he was committed to aiding them and wouldn’t repeat his past mistake of
ignoring them due to distance. Involving military was, as always, a last
resort, but Thorin knew it was still something he had to consider. The thought
of sending his soldiers to fight his people made him ill and Thorin cursed
himself for overlooking the colony for so long.
It was at the end of a frustrating week that he witnessed how adamant Kili was
to not be in his company. Thorin was walking along the long halls of Ered Luin
when he spotted a door open with Dis’s handmaidens outside. Curious and in need
of company as Kili had once again evaded him, he approached them in hope of
seeing Dis. They quickly bowed at the sight of him and made to call their
lady’s attention, but then Thorin heard Dis call Kili in exasperation. He held
his hand up to silence the ladies and strained his ears to listen to the
conversation inside the room. It was rude to eavesdrop, but he wanted to know
what they said, in case it could enlighten him in the situation. After all,
this was a rare opportunity where he would be able to hear Kili speak freely,
something she hadn’t done in his presence since his arrival to her home.
“You can’t stay here forever,” Dis said in exasperation. “Come with me and
we’ll have a nice chat.”
“A chat with you or with him?” Kili said with such venom in her voice that
Thorin’s heart ached.
“What’s wrong with spending time with your king? A king who’s only ever been
kind to you, no less!” When there was no reply, Dis sighed heavily. “Kili,
please don’t be difficult.”
“I’m not being difficult!” Kili argued.
“Then what are you being for the past couple of weeks?”
There was a sharp sound of a heavy object meeting wood before Kili’s voice came
again. “I just don’t want to be with him!”
Oh. Thorin might have staggered back, Kili’s words a physical heavy blow for
him. He dimly noticed that the ladies were politely averting their eyes to
spare him the humiliation, but it was no reprieve. Thorin swallowed the heavy
lump in his throat and struggled to compose himself, though it proved to be
impossible with Kili’s harsh words echoing in his mind. So, his worst fear was
true, Kili didn’t return his feelings for her and even despised him. He
wondered where and how he had gone wrong, but these things had no explanation,
and even if they did, Kili didn’t owe him one. Thorin had no right to ask why.
The mere fact that she didn’t want to be with him should be enough to send him
on his way, never to dream of her affection ever again. Though Thorin never
gave it much thought beyond his fear of hurting Kili, it still cut him deeply
when dreams of a future companionship and family with his beloved were
violently dashed.
Thorin took a step back. He should go. He had heard enough and he would have to
arrange for his return to Erebor. There was no need for explanation—the fact
that he had to end the visit earlier should inform people that things hadn’t
gone as expected. However, something held him back. He couldn’t ask Kili why
she didn’t return his regards for her, but he could ask her not to stop
considering him as a friend. Thorin wasn’t so foolish as to think that they
would have the closeness they used to have in Erebor after this came to pass,
but her companionship would be enough, painful though it would be. He could not
have her abandon him completely, as to discard her from his life after she made
such a place for herself was impossible. If he could not have her hand then he
would have her companionship, no matter how flimsy Kili was willing to give it.
And maybe he could one day learn to accept that no matter how close they were,
he would never be with her.
Quietly, Thorin approached the open door. The room was a library, not a place
Kili would often be found in and thus Thorin never thought to seek her in. The
fact that she chose to hide there rather than face Thorin truly drove home how
she didn’t want him. Pushing away the ache in his chest, Thorin peered in and
waited to be noticed. On the far side of the room, with her back to the door,
Kili stood in front of a shelf and scrutinized a tome. Dis was some distance
away from her daughter, shaking her head in frustration. She seemed to give up
trying to convince Kili to join her and turned around. Fear and embarrassment
were palpable on Dis’s face when she spotted Thorin at the door and she froze.
When she made as if to apologize, Thorin gestured for her to stay silent and to
come to him, not wanting to draw Kili’s attention just yet. Dis obeyed
nervously, glancing at Kili behind her all the while.
“You shouldn’t have to hear that,” Dis said in apology once Thorin led her away
from the handmaidens to save whatever dignity he might still have. “That’s not
how…”
“Dis,” Thorin interrupted her grimly. “It wasn’t how I wanted it to be, either,
but that’s how it was.”
“Oh, Thorin.”
The expression on Dis’s face transformed to that of pity that Thorin had to
look away in discomfort. He was unused to this, to be seen in his vulnerable
moment and to receive such sympathy. He always had to be strong and untouched,
his feelings closely guarded, his mind never compromised. The moment reminded
Thorin to his conversation with Kili in Erebor, when she had urged him to take
better care of himself. He had felt quite tired and weak then and Kili had
cheered him with her usual passion and compassion. It had felt right, then. He
had felt safe to confide his weakness to Kili the way he never could trust
anyone to see so deep beneath the outer layers of a mighty king. That had been
the moment Thorin decided to court her, but now he wondered he had misread his
chances with Kili, whether her care for him was out of politeness or completely
platonic friendship.
“I would like to speak with her private,” Thorin said, his deep voice pinched
tight. He cleared his throat fruitlessly. “In light of what has just taken
place, I’d like to at least salvage our friendship. Perhaps Kili would speak to
me if we’re alone.”
Dis frowned and looked at the still open door, hesitant. “Very well,” Dis
finally decided. She led Thorin back to the door. “I’ll be right outside,” she
said quietly.
Thorin nodded to her in gratitude and slipped into the library. The door was
left open so that they weren’t fully left unsupervised. It was not the full
privacy Thorin wanted, but he understood Dis’s concerns for her daughter’s
reputation. Slowly, Thorin approached Kili. She hadn’t looked away from her
reading and was thus unaware of his presence. He felt a longing well up inside
him with each step he took until his chest grew tight in effort to hold back
his emotion. He had always restrained himself in Kili’s company for the benefit
of their chaperones. However, this relative privacy, a sad reminder of how easy
their relationship had been, how Kili had smiled whenever she saw him, how they
had spoken freely to each other. Thorin wished to be close to her, to relive
the memory of companionship that had sustained him in their time apart. But
Kili didn’t want him, didn’t want to be with him, and so he had to keep his
distance.
Thorin’s footsteps must have been louder than he had intended because Kili
sighed loudly. “Mother, I’ve told you I don’t want to accompany Thorin.”
A bitter smile curled Thorin’s lips as, again, his heart was ripped apart. He
tried to control himself to calm acceptance, but he wasn’t sure how well he
succeeded. He supposed he would know soon. “May I ask why?” he asked loudly.
Kili spun around in surprise. For a moment, she looked at Thorin fearfully. Her
eyes darted behind him to look for chaperone who usually accompanied them. When
she found them alone, she visibly grew more fretful. Quickly, she arranged her
expression to something more resembling submission. Kili bowed her head,
apologetic and expecting a reprimand or worse. Perhaps she deserved it, having
insulted a king, but that wasn’t what Thorin came for, nor was he able to
deliver any punishment to her. He was here to convince her to remain friends
with him. Further, Kili had only voiced her feelings about him. She shouldn’t
be punished for speaking truthfully no matter how it hurt him to hear it.
“Come sit with me.” It wasn’t a request. Thorin pulled a chair for Kili to sit
on before sitting down beside her. To respect Dis’s wishes, he made sure that
they stayed within sight from the doorway, although he angled Kili’s seat in
such a way that she wouldn’t see if anyone checked them. Thorin believed that
it would be easier to have an honest conversation with her if she thought no
one was listening or able to provide her an escape. “Would you tell me why you
don’t want to accompany me?”
Kili frowned at her lap and pursed her lips. Thorin wondered whether she’s
angrier at herself for letting Thorin hear her rude words or at Thorin for
daring to make her talk to him. “I just don’t want to,” she finally said,
keeping her tone polite but tightly controlled.
“I thought we were good friends. You didn’t mind accompanying me when you were
in Erebor,” Thorin said, letting some hurt and disappointment slipped into his
voice.
Something crossed Kili’s expression then, softening the furrows between her
eyebrows. But, it quickly passed and she was frowning unhappily once again.
“Things change.”
“Indeed,” Thorin said wryly. “Will you tell me why?”
“Not without losing my head,” Kili muttered.
“No one will lose her head for telling me what I ask about. Tell me,” Thorin
ordered.
Kili’s eyes flicked to Thorin for the first time since she saw him, pinning him
with sharp brown eyes. Despite her words, there was no fear there, only angry
defiance. Gone was the happy lass Thorin knew. Now before him was a dwarf full
of rage and her words were as a sharp as any weapon Thorin had ever fought
with. “You used me,” she snarled. “Ithought we were friends. You made me
believe that you cared about me, but you only want to use me.”
Thorin was taken aback. His previous sadness was quickly replaced by confusion.
“Use you?”
Kili scowled at him. “Don’t think I don’t know about what’s happening between
Erebor and Ered Luin. You treat me well just because you want to secure your
power! Your lack of care once I left Erebor has made that perfectly clear!”
Thorin stared at Kili. Was that what she had been thinking? It’s true that he
had never spoken clearly of his intentions and regards, but he thought his
gestures had expressed them better than words. Couldn’t she sense how genuine
his care was? Had she not seen how he enjoyed her company so? Kili’s furious
face indicated that the answer to both questions was no. Thorin cursed his
silence. He had been quiet to protect Kili and to give her time to think, but
it seemed that in his cautiousness he had failed to realize that some things
needed to be spoken. He should have realized once he witnessed Kili’s
perceptiveness that she might have seen through his plan with Balin. He should
have, once he decided to pursue her affection, indicated that politics were
nowhere near his mind anymore, that it was only her that he truly wanted in his
courtship–the political implications of their union only an added benefit. He
should have built some form of understanding before he handed her the hair
clasp in his throne room the day she was leaving him. There were so many things
he should have done. Thorin had gone about this courtship wrong.
Taking Thorin’s silence as a confirmation for her accusations, Kili clenched
her teeth and stood up. “There’s no need to lie anymore. You may do as you
wish. I know my duty to my king and my people. Don’t waste your time trying to
fool me and win me over!” Amidst rage and bitterness, sadness surfaced in the
breaking of her voice. For one second, Kili’s eyes were glassy before she
furiously blinked her tears away. Thorin saw, then, that he wasn’t the only one
who felt he had lost a friend.
Thorin raised his hand to stop Kili before she could walk away. “Let me
explain,” he implored, gazing into Kili’s furious eyes to calm her. “There has
been a misunderstanding.”
“I doubt it,” Kili said wryly.
“There truly has been. Please, sit down.”
Kili looked at him dubiously but obliged him, sitting back onto her chair. She
had by now hidden her sadness behind fury, but Thorin had seen it. He could
only imagine how she must have been hurt all these months, thinking that her
good friend had only wanted to hurt her. He had despaired in her indifference
since his arrival, but it had barely been a fortnight while Kili had endured it
for almost a year. He imagined his lack of attempt to communicate with her in
the their separation had only exacerbated this when he intended to give her
proper time to think of his regards. Thorin had rushed into the courtship and
now he was facing consequences of his mistake. He could only hope that his
explanation was sufficient to regain Kili’s confidence.
“You are correct in that Erebor’s power over Ered Luin has waned. As you can
imagine, this raised quite a concern. A suggestion was made to strengthen my
relation with the family of the Lord of Ered Luin.” He paused, wondering if he
should tell Kili the details of his conversation with Balin before deciding
that she deserved to know as much truth as he could possibly give. “Preferably
by marrying you.”
Kili’s lips thinned. “I’m right, then. You’re only using me.”
“Not at all. I argued against it because I think you’re too young.”
“So if you hadn’t thought that I’m too young, you would have gladly taken me
from my family to strengthen your power,” Kili pointed out.
The truth sounded so horrible when spoken, but there was no denying it. Thorin
nodded. “I would have prioritized that solution, yes.” That he would’ve still
wanted her consent was of no importance, for he would have utilized his power
to get it and thus any consent given was subject to questions. He was
embarrassed to say he would’ve put the unity of his kingdom and the safety of
his people over a single dwarf’s full consent.
Kili’s hands clenched into fists on her lap. “I am of age, no matter what you
think, and no one can stop the king,” she said bitterly. Her voice cracked and
she swallowed thickly. She made to get up. “I see no reason to stay here.”
“Just one moment,” Thorin requested. He sighed warily when Kili remained seated
but refused to look at him. “Marrying you was my last resort,” he explained.
This earned him a surprised glance from Kili, but he kept going. “If possible,
I wanted to secure this region just by having good friendship with your
parents. That proves to be so much easier than I thought. They are good dwarfs
and I’m glad to call them friends now. Though I admit that the option of
marrying you was always present–and I did keep that particular option open–for
the longest of time, I didn’t want to take it.”
Here, Thorin paused. He was unused to revealing his feelings to others. His
closest friends might have witnessed some private side of him, but he never
exposed it so clearly, and certainly not verbally. Embarrassment snuck into
him, along with fear of dismissal. He was a warrior king. He was supposed to be
strong. His emotions were supposed to be secondary to his logic and physical
strength. He wasn’t supposed to be here, revealing his innermost heart to this
young dwarf. What would Kili think of him? But, if he kept quiet again, how
could he retain Kili’s companionship?
“I expected a child and a stranger I couldn’t connect with, but I didn’t expect
someone I could call friend. Yet, that is what you are. Believe me when I say I
enjoyed your companionship… and that when I gave my gift to you, I did not do
so out of a sense of duty to my people as a king. My lack of communication
after you left was to give you time to think of my intention, not to signify my
indifference.” He spoke no further, embarrassment silencing him.
“Those who dabble in politics have ways with pretty but empty words,” Kili said
dismissively.
The derisive tone incited Thorin’s anger. He had never lied in politics and
always strived to realize his promises. Similarly, he would absolutely not lie
about his heart, especially to someone as dear to him as Kili was. “If these
were but empty words, I wouldn’t have invited your family to Erebor. I would
have only sent a message asking them to send you to me and they wouldn’t have
dared to refuse. We wouldn’t be here now. You would be in Erebor, in the
queen’s chamber adjacent to mine, waiting for me to give you some time of my
day. There’s no need for care or compassion in political marriage, only
convenience and favorable public impression!” he said sharply before he could
check himself. The wide-eyed look Kili gave him quickly dampened his anger as
soon as it occurred. It was the first time she witnessed his temper and her
fear was clear to see. Thorin took a deep breath. He didn’t want to threaten
Kili or force his will on her. When Thorin spoke again, his voice was gentler.
“I was wrong to give the hair clasp to you on your last day in Erebor without
communicating my intentions clearly beforehand. I thought it would give you
time to think about it, but it seemed to have created a misunderstanding. I
know it’s too late, but I’m asking you permission to court you. I will accept
your decision, whatever it may be.”
Thorin watched Kili’s expression intently. The ferocity she had displayed
earlier started to ebb away. Though some of the anger still remained, there
were now also surprise and confusion. Kili fidgeted on her seat, her fists
slowly unclenching. “Does it matter what I decide? We both know what is most
beneficial to Erebor,” she asked, her voice a mixture of sharpness and
wariness.
“It does matter. I will not go any further than companionship without your
consent,” Thorin said firmly.
“But what about Erebor and Ered Luin?”
Thorin withheld a grimace that threatened to break on his face. He couldn’t
lie; Kili understood the importance of an alliance between them. “It may be
difficult—there’s a lot of expectation placed upon alliance between us—but we
will find other solution. This, what I ask of you, has nothing to do with
politics or other people.”
Kili frowned at her lap thoughtfully while Thorin waited with baited breath for
her answer. “After the feast last summer,” she suddenly started. “Mother told
me I did not behave as a lady should in the king’s court.”
“You didn’t overstep any line. A feast is an occasion of joy and you are young,
it is understandable to be exuberant. If anything, I was glad to see you enjoy
the event,” he said carefully, not quite sure where Kili was leading him.
“But that wasn’t what one would expect from a lady, was it?” Kili insisted. “I
danced and talk with many dwarfs all night to find someone who would understand
me and listen to my thoughts. What I found was that I am ill-suited for your
court. Life is easier far from Erebor. There are far less restrictions here. I
can be more than a silent figure. I can be more of who I am.”
Understanding dawned on Thorin. He nodded. “Some would frown upon your
behaviors,” he admitted. “But not me. Indeed, I owe it to you to bring this to
my attention. I have ignored the voices and views of half of my people. Right
now it’s barely taking shape, but I hope in the near future ladies in my court
will be able to speak for themselves, without anyone else relaying their
thoughts.”
It was too early to brag on the progress of his plan with Balin, but the joy
that lighted up Kili was more than worth the reveal. “Really?” she asked in
excitement, temporarily forgetting her manners.
“You will be able to speak in my court and my court will listen. I will
listen,” Thorin promised.
“You did promise to listen to me,” Kili pointed out.
There was no stopping the look of wonder that spread on Thorin’s face. He
recalled the brief moment he danced with Kili in the feast, the moment he
realized he didn’t want anyone else to hold Kili’s attention and affection.
“You remember?”
Kili nodded. “A king’s promise should never be forgotten.”
“And I shall fulfill it.” Thorin vowed solemnly, earning a pleased smile from
Kili. Relief began to pour into him. For the first time in days, he felt he
could breathe. The weight of sadness and fear of rejection had begun to lift
off his shoulders.
“I will need to see it for myself to believe it. The past few days, you kept
talking about yourself.”
It was clear that Kili was still cautious, but she was willing to listen to
Thorin’s argument now. Beneath the layer of warranted wryness was the Kili he
remembered, the dwarf who had captured and possessed his heart so thoroughly
without knowing, and Thorin was determined to find her again. “My mistake. I
won’t say anything anymore from now on.”
“I don’t mean anyone should be silent,” Kili corrected him with a frown. “I
just mean Iwon’t be silent.”
Thorin smiled. “I expect no less from you. In fact, I wish you to be anything
but silent.” This earned him a smile almost as earnest as the one Kili had
often given him in Erebor. He wanted nothing more than to regain the closeness
they used to have by continuing the private conversation, but he reminded
himself that Dis was waiting just outside and it would be impolite to keep her
there. “Let’s have your mother join us while you tell me about what I have not
been listening to.”
Kili nodded, peering at the door. “I suppose she’s been waiting to join us.”
Thorin chuckled, realizing that Kili had seen through his attempt to hide their
watchers. They both stood up to call Dis, but then Thorin paused, realizing
that she hadn’t given him permission to court her. Though it was clear that
Kili had warmed up to him now, she still hadn’t said how he should proceed from
here. It was too early, they had only barely reconciled, but judging by how
faithfully they had been supervised, Thorin doubted they would have another
opportunity to speak of this matter in private. “Do you still have the hair
clasp I gave you?” Thorin asked.
“I do,” Kili replied.
“I’m glad. I have never once seen you wearing it.”
“I didn’t want to and I did think of throwing it away,” Kili admitted,
shrugging. “But of course I still have it. Not a day went by that Mother or
Fili didn’t remind me that I should take care of it well as it’s worth more
than all the jewels in this mountain combined, being mithril shaped by the
king’s own hands.”
So Thorin had allies in Dis and Fili. While they had always been kind to him,
they had given the same neutral impression that Vilir did, merely observing the
progression of Thorin’s relationship with Kili. However, it seemed that they
weren’t as impartial as they appeared. Thorin immediately planned to spend more
time with them. Who knew if he would come to need their support again in the
future? Whatever Kili’s decision would be, he had seen now how easily it was
for them to have prolonged argument. While he hoped to solve all his future
problems with Kili personally, it never hurt to have others to placate what he
now recognized as two very strong minds.
“It would greatly honor me if you would wear it,” Thorin said carefully.
Kili nodded in understanding but said nothing. Resigning his heart to her
decision, Thorin went to see the lass’s relieved mother. To Dis’s questioning
look, he could say nothing more than that they had clarified a fundamental
misunderstanding. It was but a small comfort, but at least now Kili no longer
tried to avoid him or ignore him. Thorin tried to remain heartened, spending
the next few days honoring his promise by listening intently to Kili. In truth,
it wasn’t too difficult a task. He had terribly missed hearing her thoughts and
experiences and wished to know everything he didn’t dare ask her parents. Kili
feared being silenced, but Thorin thought he wouldn’t be able to stand her if
she were that way. It was their conversations, the sharing of minds so unlike
each other yet so similar, that drew him to her. Hearing it again after so long
without further confirmed his decision to seek her affection. No one else would
make him think and feel the way she did. Certainly no one else had managed to
convince him to change his whole kingdom the way she had in just a couple of
conversations.
The change wasn’t instant, but Thorin expected no less from a dwarf. It started
with a few words of small talks and then developed to questions of his opinion.
Thorin replied to everything politely, letting Kili decide how far she wanted
to restore their relationship at any given time. He knew he had much to prove,
the sincerity of his intention to Kili still doubted. But he had nothing to
hide, for he desired Kili’s companionship most of all, and slowly, she
understood this. Kili talked to him more and more, even teasing him when he
didn’t look sufficiently entertained by her company. No longer were their
chaperones distractions or means to escape. Thorin was also no longer a silent
listener as Kili sought his thoughts on many things, from mundane things such
as the season to serious matters such as his opinion of the difference between
Ered Luin and Erebor. Kili also now instigated their meetings, inviting Thorin
to join her visit various parts of the mountain where she usually spent her
time. She was never rejected, Thorin happily accompanying her to learn more
about the dwarf she was when apart from him and becoming even more enchanted to
her in the process.
Before too long, they spoke almost as if they hadn’t parted for a year, good
friends on the brink of being something more. Thorin smiled when Kili looked at
him for reactions and sent him a playful look that he had so missed from her.
He dared not tease her too much in front of their chaperones and the look she
gave him showed that she was amused by his struggle to hold himself back. The
first time he made her laugh loudly without care for propriety, his heart
expanded in joy. He knew then that he had fully regained her trust. A glimmer
in her eyes when she looked at him as her laughter subsided indicated that he
had gained something new. That night, Thorin noticed mithril hair clasp
glimmering on Kili’s midnight hair and so his courtship began.
Chapter End Notes
     I recently found out that when a king visited a place and stayed
     there for a while, they sometimes bankrupted the place since the host
     had to hold feasts for the king and his huge entourage. So. Oops.
     Sorry, Ered Luin, I didn't mean to bankrupt you. Let's just say for
     the sake of this fic that Ered Luin is prosperous enough to have
     their king for an entire summer.
     Thorin stayed in Vilir and Dis's apartment/bedroom is based on this
     documentary_about_the_royal_bedchamber. An older tradition was
     apparently to make portable royal bed, but I thought that wasn't very
     practical since many dwarf furniture were made of stones.
     Visit me on tumblr to say hi, talk about thorinkili, or buy what’s
     left of my soul with photosets/gif sets/arts of thorinkili.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     Some days, I regret writing this fic. It's so much work writing and
     then editing. Anyway, there's a making out scene in this chapter.
     It's, uh, complicated. Kili consented to it, but let's just say
     Thorin wasn't really interested in her response. So, warning for
     rough maybe-dubcon making out? Feel free to correct me!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The sound of clanging metals filled the air, occasionally accompanied by grunts
and growls of exertion. Midday sun burnt the warriors’ sweat-dampened skins,
yet neither of them heeded it. Cool mountain air offered a little reprieve and
renewed their determination to win. Although, Thorin wondered if Fili intended
to win at all. He dodged Fili’s attack easily-moving quickly was easy without
the heavy weight of an armor. Though the double swords were heavy, Fili seemed
unbothered, moving swiftly in the spar, using one sword to deflect Thorin’s
attack and the other to strike. Yet, Thorin knew he wasn’t using his entire
skill. His trained eyes noticed hesitation slowed Fili’s hands whenever his
weapons got too close to Thorin. Now, Thorin appreciated not being harmed, but
he didn’t appreciate being coddled. His experience could easily protect him
against any grievous injury without the young dwarf’s help.
To prove this, he pushed one of Fili’s swords out of his grasp before it got
near him. It fell away with a loud clatter and Fili leapt away as if to avoid
an attack from Thorin. However, he had nothing to be worried about. Thorin
wiped sweat off his brows as he smiled at their audience. Kili and Dis were
sitting together with their attendants under the protection of a small tent,
watching them while having a chat. The ladies clapped politely and complimented
Thorin’s skill, but he only had his eyes on Kili, who was grinning widely at
him. Thorin nodded his head in acknowledgement, being older and more able in
controlling himself, though he suspected his happiness wasn’t completely
hidden. It had, in fact, most likely been apparent for a while now, as since
the night she first wore the mithril hair clasp, she hadn’t taken it off. The
fact that she proudly wore the proof of Thorin’s regards filled him with joy he
had never before felt. It was a challenge to be away from her now, knowing that
she approved of his feelings. Thorin wanted to spend every second of his stay
with her, but he didn’t want to suffocate her. He had other matters to see to
besides and currently he wanted to realize his plan to befriend Fili.
“You’ve improved,” Thorin commented on Fili once the youth picked up his sword.
“Thank you,” Fili replied with a deep bow, biting back a wide smile. He was
more skillful in manners than his sister, but only just. “I practiced with my
swords, just as you have advised.”
“That isn’t the only thing you’ve practiced,” Thorin noted in affected
indifference. “You’ve learnt to hold back as well.”
A flush that had little to do with exertion bloomed on Fili’s skin. “I
apologize. I didn’t mean to…”
“Then fight me seriously, lad,” Thorin said, assuming into a battle stance
again, his sword pointed toward his young opponent. “Don’t insult me with half-
heartedness.”
Fili’s eyes widened briefly before he nodded vigorously. He rolled his
shoulders to release the tension there and took a deep breath. The dwarfs’ eyes
met for one tense second and they charged toward each other at the same time.
This time, Thorin could tell Fili was showing his true skills. Fili’s first
attack nearly made Thorin lose his footing. Fili’s smaller form hid surprising
strength and he was clearly skillful in using his size to his advantage,
slipping under Thorin’s reach easily. The session nearly ended before a minute
had even passed as Fili brought one of his swords to Thorin’s back, but
Thorin’s instinct saved him at the last moment. His extensive battle experience
moved his body before his mind could comprehend what was happening. He leapt
away from Fili, turned around, and quickly swung his sword, aiming for Fili’s
neck.
Thorin distantly heard sharp gasps, but he didn’t heed them. It was mostly by
sheer luck that Fili managed to dodge the deadly attack. He took a few step
backs back, momentarily losing his courage as he looked at Thorin in shock. He
quickly regained his composure, however, and swiftly blocked Thorin’s next
attack using both of his swords. He didn’t hold back afterward, though he still
couldn’t match Thorin. His lack of experience was obvious to Thorin—the minute
pause to think between his moves, quick as they were, was glaring to Thorin’s
experienced eyes. There was potential there, however, and Thorin was careful in
drawing it out. Despite his earlier instinct to defend himself, he didn’t want
to harm Fili. He merely challenged him, forcing Fili to try harder and harder
to keep up. Fili didn’t notice this, of course, being completely engrossed in
defending himself and trying to attack.
The spar lasted longer than the previous one. It was hardly anything to Thorin,
who had experienced seemingly endless hours of real battle, but it slowly
started to tax Fili. Once vigorous, his movements became sluggish. He breathed
heavier and louder and sweat covered his flushed skin. He frowned deeply
whenever the beads holding his moustache hit his cheeks or lips. The irritation
soon affected his technique, eroding his control over himself and his weapons.
Although Thorin wasn’t too worried for his own safety, he knew better than to
continue and cause unnecessary injury on either him or Fili. Once he saw an
opening, he smacked Fili’s hand, causing him to drop one sword. The brief
second of surprise was enough for Thorin, who quickly pointed the tip of his
sword to Fili’s heart. In shock, Fili looked down at the sword. He seemed very
confused for a while before it registered to him that he had lost and he
lowered his armed hand. Thorin smiled to him as applause erupted from their
audience.
“I see now how far you’ve truly improved,” Thorin commented.
“Thank you,” Fili panted out, smiling proudly, and bent down to pick up his
fallen sword. He looked at Thorin in surprise when Thorin held out a hand for
him.
“Let me see your swords and scabbard.” Thorin inspected the surprisingly heavy
swords carefully. He glanced at Fili in wonder. The lad was a rather far cry
from the muscular dwarfs Thorin had fought alongside with, yet he was strong
enough to move swiftly while carrying two heavy swords. The scabbard, too, was
heavy, completed with discreet alterations that prevented the swords from
slipping out if it was tilted. The design along the swords and the scabbard
suggested that they were intended for both decorative and practical purposes.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” he commented while still studying the
weapon.
Fili smiled proudly. “My grandfather had it made for me for my coming of age
gift.”
“He designed it himself?”
“He did, though I was the one who suggested two swords instead of one.”
Thorin raised an eyebrow, looking at Fili in amusement. “Ambitious, aren’t we?”
“Unwise,” Fili corrected humbly. “I only thought of how it would look different
from other warriors. I didn’t consider how difficult it would be for me to
wield them.”
Chuckling, Thorin handed the sheathed swords back to Fili. “How long did it
take for you to learn to use them properly?”
“Years,” Fili admitted, holding the weapons in both hands as if weighing it.
“No one has ever used this kind of weapon—the closest being using two axes and
those I didn’t master as well as I should—so I had to learn through trials and
errors. My teachers were fortunately very patient with me because it was as if
they were teaching me swordsmanship anew.”
“And now you can use them very well. They’re very heavy. I’m surprised by how
fast you can move carrying it.”
“One has to learn to be when sparring with Kili.”
Immediately after he said that, Fili’s eyes widened. His eyes darted guiltily
to his mother, a clear indication that he wasn’t supposed to mention that.
Thorin, however, was unwilling to let the slip of tongue go. He had seen Kili’s
horse riding skill and her sharp mind, but he had never seen or heard of her
sword fighting skill. She must be quite formidable if she could match her
brother. Thorin looked at Kili and found her looking at him and Fili curiously.
Fondness bloomed deep inside Thorin. What other pleasant secret did his beloved
hide?
“Oh? Do you spar with her often?” Thorin asked.
“Once in a while,” Fili said hesitantly.
“You must be very gifted if you can learn to move with such speed while
carrying heavy swords,” Thorin said, only sounding mildly disbelieving.
Being a good young dwarf that he was, Fili couldn’t take the credit he didn’t
fully deserve, even the credit was obviously given only to draw truth out of
him. “I’m not so talented. If not for my training with Kili, I would be slowed
down by my swords. It’s only that you weren’t supposed to know I spar with Kili
often,” he admitted.
“Why? It’s not uncommon for female dwarfs to go to battles.”
“Mother doesn’t go to battles,” Fili said carefully.
Thorin blinked. It was true. In all the battles he had gone to, he had never
once fought alongside a noble dwarf lady. There were many female dwarfs among
his soldiers, of course, and some of them managed to reach high ranks within
the army, but none of them were of noble blood. While Thorin was certain ladies
of his court knew how to fight, they strangely never displayed it, not even in
the annual tournaments. He thought he knew why. Though dwarfs were blessed with
long lives and great strength, they were not immortals and they had many
enemies eager to be rid of them. Many of them also chose to dedicate their
lives to their crafts, foregoing family life. Thus, those who are capable of
giving birth were valuable to dwarfs, to be protected at all costs, even more
so if they were nobilities. Knowing Kili, she most probably didn’t care about
the risks, and it seemed that her family had allowed her to do as she wished.
However, now that Thorin courted her, things had changed. He could see the
cause of their concern. He didn’t think his grandmother or any queen before her
had ever gone to any battle. Likely, Vilir and Dis felt they should prepare
Kili for the life she was to live and forbade her to participate in such
dangerous activity. Were they wrong to do so? Thorin wasn’t sure. He didn’t
like to think of Kili in any risk of injury, or worse. However, he also knew
Kili well enough to know that being held back from something she loved would
upset her and he wanted her to be happy always.
“I see,” Thorin said wryly.
Fili nodded, pursing his lips. Clearly, he felt guilty for revealing the truth,
but now that Thorin knew, he pressed on, asking Thorin a question which proved
how much he cared for his sister. “Would you let her go to battles?”
Thorin merely looked at Fili for a while before shaking his head with a sigh.
“I hope there won’t be any battle for anyone to go to.”
It wasn’t quite an answer to the question, but it was the only answer Thorin
could presently give. Fili nodded with a frown, clearly dissatisfied, but not
daring to press for a better reply. Thorin turned toward Kili, who was still
looking at him and Fili in undisguised curiosity. Though closer to the slim
side, Thorin could easily imagine her clad in thick armor with a sword or an
axe in her hands. She wouldn’t look out of place training with his soldiers and
fighting alongside them and if she were as talented as Fili was, Thorin would
be proud to have her among his soldiers. But, unlike Kili and Fili, Thorin had
seen battles. He had experienced bloodshed beyond imagination and still bore
some ramifications of it. If there was a war for Kili to go to, even if she
fought right next to Thorin, he would not be able to fully protect her from any
harm and the thought didn’t sit well with him.
Not wanting to dwell on such grim thoughts, Thorin returned his attention to
Fili. “You may want to reconsider your moustache braids. Obviously they
distracted you in the height of battle.”
Unexpectedly, Fili’s face reddened. “The ladies like them,” he confessed.
Thorin guffawed and patted Fili’s shoulder so hard he jostled the lad. He
remembered a brief period Dwalin grew but a thick stripe of his hair to draw
the ladies’ attention. Thorin had been tempted to do the same after seeing how
well the silly look worked. It had been Balin’s sense that prevented him from
copying his friend and humiliating himself. The time was long gone and he
personally never put too much effort into charming the opposite sex. But, he
still remembered how important it had seemed to appear as appealing as possible
for the ladies and understood Fili’s reasoning very well. “I suppose that is
also important,” he conceded, smirking. “Let’s join your mother and sister.
They must be wondering what we’re talking about.”
True to Thorin’s words, he and Fili had just taken their seats with Dis and
Kili when Kili turned to Thorin curiously. “The two of you certainly had quite
a lot to talk about,” she commented.
“Kili!” Dis admonished her daughter. She gave Thorin an exasperated frown when
he held up a hand to stop her.
“We did. His choice of weapon is interesting,” Thorin lied smoothly, receiving
a grateful look from Fili.
“Isn’t it? My grandfather designed it!” Kili said excitedly.
“So I have heard. I didn’t know he was a brilliant swordsmith or I might have
requested something for myself. The double swords are beautifully made and
impressively dangerous.”
Dis smiled proudly at Fili. “Indeed. I must admit I had my doubts when Fili
requested it, but diligent training proves it to be a good decision.”
Kili looked at Fili’s double swords, which now rested sheathed against his
seat, with a thoughtful frown. “They’re a little too heavy for my taste,
though. They slow...” There was no admonishment this time, but the pointed look
Dis sent immediately stopped Kili’s words. “I prefer bows and arrows,” she said
instead.
It was clear from the slight downturn of Kili’s lips that sword fighting was
more than a way to spend her free time. Thorin wished he could reassure her and
Dis that he didn’t mind it, but it would be a lie. He couldn’t protect her from
everything, he knew, but if he could, then he wanted to try to. However, should
he try to shield her from any danger that might come if that wasn’t what Kili
wanted? “Bows and arrows? That’s another unusual choice in weapon,” he offered.
“Very useful, however. Some fights are best fought from the distance.” Kili
shrugged.
There was no denying that, although Thorin suspected there was another reason
for choosing archery. “That’s true. Are you as good in archery as Fili is in
sword fighting?”
Kili’s eyes glinted as she recognized the challenge to prove herself for what
it was. However, before she could try to impress Thorin, Dis spoke up—rather
too quickly, in fact. “Vilir’s father designed quite a few fascinating weapons
that we keep in our hall because few can use them. Perhaps you will like them.”
There’s very little Thorin thought he would like better than watching Kili
enjoy herself, but he nodded to his hostess. “That sounds intriguing.”
Smiling widely, Dis immediately led Thorin and her children back into the hall.
Thorin only caught a glimpse of Kili, who walked behind him, but he noted her
tightly clipped expression. Beside her, Fili offered a comforting pat that went
largely unnoticed. Thorin’s eyes met Fili’s and they exchanged knowing smiles.
It was difficult to feign excitement even as Thorin inspected Vilir’s father’s
fascinating creations. Whenever he stole a glance at Kili, he found her looking
at a weapon or another with longing. He had promised her voice and freedom, but
should he give her the chance to fight and risk her life? Could he? Thorin
thought of the battles he had fought and the dwarf warriors that perished in
them. He had known many whose skills were known and feared among dwarfs, but
today, after tumultuous decades, too few of them were left. And even among
those, many were tortured by scars in their minds or bodies, or both. Could
Thorin allow her to even glimpse the horror of battles and their aftermaths? As
he gazed at Kili—young, brave, careless, lacking in experience, but ultimately
safe—he feared the answer might be no.
===============================================================================
Perhaps to avoid Kili losing her control and showing Thorin her combat skills,
Thorin was subtly but unmistakably kept away from anything remotely close to
training when he was in Kili’s company. This meant many conversations over tea,
board games to spend the time, and endless walks around the hall. Though
tedious, Thorin didn’t mind overmuch. Indeed, he was far more accustomed to a
fast-paced life, but this was supposed to be a vacation and he was content to
do things at a leisure pace. He started his days later than usual and ended it
early. In between, he continued his pursuit of Kili, nurtured friendships with
her family, enjoyed Vilir’s hall and Ered Luin, and occasionally discussed
endless public matters with Vilir or replying letters from his advisors. The
only disruptions came from Balin’s occasional messages, mostly informing Thorin
of the development of several issues which Balin was currently handling on
Thorin’s behalf. Gloin had apparently insisted on speedy reply for his request
for trade renegotiation, but Balin had firmly refused, allowing Thorin to enjoy
his stay in Ered Luin. Dwalin visited him regularly but had nothing much to
report, the region peaceful and happy with their king near and the prospect of
his union with their young lady.
Time seemed to move sluggishly, punctuated by moments he spent with Kili. One
day, Thorin even found himself falling asleep on a divan in his room after
lunch and waking up just as the sun set. He stretched his body, reveling in the
deep relaxation which was left by the rest. For a moment, he entertained the
thought of spending the rest of his life this way, passing slow days doing what
he loved with little burden in his mind except for what pleasure to indulge
himself in next. But, this was not the life for him. Thorin liked having
purposes and he loved the excitement of realizing his plans. He was not a dwarf
for lengthy idleness, although he supposed he might have to incorporate some of
that idleness into his life for sanity’s sake.
The lazy happy days also affected Kili. The sourness she had displayed when
forbidden to be near any sort of weapon was gone almost as quickly as it came.
She constantly smiled whenever she and Thorin were together. For a while,
Thorin wondered if she had gotten over or forgotten her disappointment, but he
dismissed the thought. He had seen for himself how capable she was of holding a
grudge. He didn’t think she begrudged Dis, of course (at least not completely,)
but Kili must still be unhappy despite her smiles and laughter around Thorin.
He watched her carefully, searching for any sign of distress and doing
everything in his power to distract her when he found one. Kili seemed to
appreciate it, if the warm smiles she gave Thorin when their chaperone’s back
was turned to them was any indication. Thorin merely ducked his head to avoid
the temptation of assuring her of his devotion. These silent gestures should be
enough. As much as he longed to touch her even just to kiss her hand, it was
better to remain as chaste as possible for the time being.
It wasn’t as if they had many opportunities to not be chaste. Dis watched them
very closely and was quick to intervene whenever she felt they became too close
or the moment too intimate. Thorin was almost offended by her lack of trust,
but he knew she only did it for her daughter’s own good since Kili was
unconcerned about the importance of proper courtship. Thorin knew that without
Dis’s supervision, Kili would put them in situations that would no doubt incite
great scandals and invite many reproaching letters from Thorin’s older
relatives. Perhaps he should be more worried, but Kili’s excitable nature gave
him some thrill. It was an exciting change from his somewhat monotonous life.
He never knew how or when she would surprise him next and how well he would
handle it. Every secret smile given, every quiet gesture shared, every little
whispered conversation stolen exhilarated Thorin. He looked forward to them,
letting them reinforce his affection for her.
There wasn’t much that could lessen his affection, however. Even now, merely
sitting next to Kili, listening to a beautiful song provided by Dis and her
handmaidens, he felt deep fondness swelled inside him. The blue marble walls
echoed their beautiful voices and the music. Further, deep inside the mountain
they were protected from summer heat. Warm tea and delicious biscuits settled
nicely in Thorin’s stomach. He struggled to keep his eyes open and sit straight
on his seat, not wanting to appear unappreciative of the beautiful performance.
To keep himself awake, he glanced at Kili every so often. She watched the
ladies with rapt attention, a smile curling her lips. Thorin thought she might
be humming under her breath, but he couldn’t be sure with all the other voices
and the music filling the room. Kili was beautiful this way, quietly happy,
content. His gaze drifted down to her hands. In a different situation, in a
different life, he would reach out to hold and caress her hands, they could
enjoy the simple touch without fear of others’ opinions and show their feelings
in front of others in no uncertain terms. But that was impossible. Thorin shook
his head to rid of the fantasy. He must be very sleepy if he indulged himself
with such foolish thoughts. He lifted his eyes and was momentarily startled
when he found Kili looking at him with an amused expression. Thorin smiled to
her and looked away, clenching his hands tightly on his thighs.
Eventually, the song came to an end. Thorin roused himself, forcing alertness
so he could show his appreciation properly, clapping his hands and
complimenting the ladies. He searched for an excuse to retire to his chamber,
but before he found any, a light touch on his arm halted his thoughts. Thorin
turned to Kili in askance.
“Would you play for me?” Kili requested. “I would love to hear you play some
songs.”
Thorin raised an eyebrow. “I wish I could, but I’m afraid I’m out of practice,”
he rejected politely, all too aware of the curious and expectant eyes on him.
“What better time to start practicing again than now?” Kili grinned. “I’ve
heard great words on your musical skill. I have no doubt they are true, but I
would like to see for myself.”
“People tend to exaggerate. You’ll only be disappointed,” Thorin demurred.
“In you? I don’t think that’s possible,” Kili said playfully. While Thorin
blinked in surprise, she already asked for a harp. Someone quickly handed a
gold gilded harp to her and she offered it to Thorin. “You play harp, don’t
you? Play a song for me.”
Demanding a king to provide entertainment? Truly Kili never ceased to surprise.
Dis seemed to be ready to scold her and apologize to Thorin, but Thorin was
merely amused. This boldness was what caught his attention in the first place
and he felt no offense. He must learn to refuse Kili lest she rendered him
completely helpless before her charms. He had a feeling, however, that it would
be near impossible. His lips twitched into a small smile when he remembered
their stubborn disposition. Just as Thorin hated to be refused and kept trying
to find ways to make people do as he said, Kili influenced people with her
cheerful personality. Some would say she needed to rein that side of her, but
Thorin believed she should hone it—no doubt it would make her a respected
politician as never before seen. Thorin had yet to find anyone immune to her
and he doubted he would be the first to manage the feat. He didn’t regret that
at all.
“It is usually the lady who plays songs,” he said without reproach, lightly
caressing the strings of the harp. The instrument made a soft lovely sound that
reminded him to a gently flowing stream. He smiled. It’s a perfect instrument
to play on a summer day.
Kili smiled victoriously. “I will play something for you later if you want.”
Thorin huffed a quiet laughter. He was still unsure of how much of his skill he
had forgotten, but the prospect of having Kili showcasing her musical skill
encouraged him. “I will be very upset if you laugh at me,” he warned light-
heartedly.
Kili didn’t reply, so Thorin took a deep breath and thought of a song. His
grandfather had taught him many, but Thorin barely ever touched the instrument
since his death. Truthfully, he wasn’t entirely confident of whatever remained
of his skill but Kili’s expectant look spurred him. Finally deciding on a short
simple song, Thorin began to play the harp. He let his fingers moved on their
own accords, trusting them to remember the song better than he did. As gentle
melody drifted across the now-silent room, Thorin began to relax, picturing in
his mind blue summer sky and gently swaying green grass. He thought of the
forests he had passed on the way to Ered Luin and the lives that must be
thriving there now. Though he was far from any meadow, he imagined he could
smell the sweet smell of colorful flowers accompanied by soil dampened by a
river. He allowed his mind to wander and conjure up images of him and Kili
laying side by side on soft green grass, smiling at bright sky, their fingers
entwined, their lips meeting every so often.
The end of the song came far too soon, it seemed. Soft melody floated in the
air and slowly disappeared, leaving a quiet echo that also eventually faded
away. Thorin blinked, looking at the hands which were more accustomed to
handling weapons and quills, yet able to produce something so beautiful. So
used to violence and rigidity, he didn’t think his hands were capable of much
gentleness. It didn’t seem possible, yet the applause he received indicated
that this was true. He nodded to his audience and turned to Kili who looked at
him with such awestruck expression that he had to clear his throat in
embarrassment.
“I think I didn’t make too many mistakes,” he said.
“That was perfect!” Kili was quick to praise. “People didn’t lie. You are
really gifted in music.”
Thorin bowed his head, trying to be humble when he was glowing with pride. “I’m
glad you approve.”
“If that was you out of practice, I can barely imagine the true extent of your
skill!”
“Perhaps one day you will hear it,” Thorin said, letting the invitation hang in
the air. The smile curling Kili’s lips positively filled him with hope and joy.
A reckless part of Thorin urged him to ask for her hand now. Dwalin had
reported that more and more people looked forward to an alliance between Erebor
and Ered Luin, that although the details of Thorin’s courtship were kept
private, what little people knew made them very expectant. As a king, Thorin,
too, looked forward to it. There was no denying the political benefits of such
union. Already, he enjoyed increased popularity among the dwarfs of Ered Luin,
since Kili was very beloved by her people and thus whoever she favored received
the similar attention. However, Thorin was inclined to wait. Although he and
Kili had known each other before, their courtship had only gone on for a while
and Thorin wanted to give her time to determine whether she found him agreeable
for a husband. Furthermore, the current setting was too public for such a
significant personal moment, even though Dis and her handmaidens politely
looked away to give them some privacy. Thorin would love to one day ask Kili to
marry him, but not today.
Thorin put aside the harp and regarded Kili with a genial smile. “I believe you
mentioned something about playing a song for me?”
Kili grinned and stood up, asking for a fiddle. The twinkle in her eyes as she
started playing the instrument warned Thorin that this was going to be quite an
unusual performance, so he leaned back and waited. He recognized the song quite
immediately. Unlike the peaceful atmosphere of his choice of song, Kili
characteristically chose a more cheerful song. It reminded him immediately of
summer festivals, banners waving in the wind, laughter and music mingling, and
youth dancing in city squares. Thorin had been to a few of those events when he
was still travelling and he had the fondest memories of them. Though they
didn’t have the luxury he was used to in feasts in Erebor, they made up for
what they lacked with warmth and friendliness. There was no place for strict
manners and regulations there. Everyone could mingle as they liked, dancing and
singing well into the night. He smiled as he happily recalled twirling colorful
dresses and alcohol-fueled laughter, food cooked with communal work and
friendly slaps on the back from friends and neighbors one had known for
decades.
Then the song took an unexpected turn—smooth but not undetectable. Before
Thorin knew it, Kili had played something else entirely. The look she shot him
told him that she wanted to draw a reaction out of him. Thorin recognized it at
the same time as Dis, who looked at her daughter with a look of alarm, sitting
straight on her seat. For his part, Thorin merely raised an eyebrow. He knew
this song, ever popular as it was in rowdy taverns where the floors where worn
by the stomping of countless regulars and every surface was slightly sticky
with spilled drink. As many popular songs in those places, this one is raunchy,
definitely not the kind of songs performed in kings’ courts. It told the story
of a pursuit of a lady, who was as coy and beautiful as she was stubborn. It
described in blush-inducing details the dance between the lady and her suitor,
literally and otherwise. The lengthy pursuit consisted of many stolen touches
and maddening proximity compounded by the suitor’s fantasy, until eventually
the lady tired of her game and invited her persistent suitor to the shadows
behind a tavern, where they discovered that they had matched perversion.
Thorin distinctly remembered feeling scandalized the first time he heard the
song, until ale swept his conscience away. It had played in a loop in his mind
for a few days afterward and Dwalin had got a good scolding after Balin
overheard Thorin sing it under his breath. But it hadn’t been Dwalin’s fault.
The song’s jovial tune resisted all attempts to forget it and the clever but
dirty lyric was irresistible to repeat. Even now, Thorin found himself tempted
to sing along to the music Kili provided, but he was held back by a thought:
Did this mean Kili had visited questionable establishments? He didn’t doubt she
knew right from wrong (and following the song’s message and taking or following
a temporary lover to a secluded spot at an alley was absolutely wrong for
someone of her standing), but who knew where her curiosity had led her to. The
thought of someone else touching her when Thorin could only dream of holding
her hand yet ignited cold vicious jealousy in Thorin’s chest.
The room was tense and silent when the song ended. Kili put away the fiddle and
looked at Thorin in challenge. He wondered what she wanted to see. Jealousy is
an ugly sight to behold and Thorin had no desire to show it to her. Did she
want to see the extent of his patience? Did she try to test how far she could
push him before he failed to give her the gentleness she deserved?
“I didn’t expect that song,” Thorin finally said.
“Oh, it must be the minstrel! Kili spends a lot of time with them and they must
have taught her those songs!” Dis quickly said, glancing at Kili sharply.
Thorin hummed quietly. “Is it so?”
“Not precisely. I asked them to teach me after I heard it.” Kili smirked.
She had heard the song in a tavern, she didn’t have to say. Despite his best
efforts to remain calm, jealousy burnt bright in Thorin’s heart. Dis made to
speak on Kili’s behalf again, but Thorin spoke first. “Some would say you
shouldn’t even be aware of this song’s existence.”
Thorin noticed Dis send her handmaidens away from the corner of his eyes, but
he only paid attention to Kili, who was looking at him testily. “Do youthink I
shouldn’t be aware of the song’s existence?”
“It is how you came to learn of this song that concerns me,” Thorin admitted.
Kili pursed her lips. “A couple of years ago I became curious of the taverns
the guards often talk about, so I made Fili take me there—though don’t blame
him! I forced him to!”
Fili’s presence put Thorin’s mind at ease. He knew that despite his apparent
inability to refuse her, Fili could be trusted to be sensible enough to put a
stop to Kili’s reckless behaviors. “He spoils you,” Thorin said with a smile he
forced himself to wear. “I hope your visit had gone well.”
Mistaking concealed jealousy for concern for her safety, Kili merely shrugged.
“I can protect myself. And Fili was there,” she added for her mother’s benefit.
“I only stayed a while. I left once the song ended. I thought it’s an
interesting song so I asked our minstrel to teach me. I’ve never been to that
tavern again since.”
“And you shouldn’t ever go there again!” Dis admonished her.
“Yes, Mother,” Kili agreed obediently, immediately drawing Thorin’s suspicion.
“Let me show you the tavern,” she then said to Thorin with a mischievous smile.
Recognizing the invitation to talk out of Dis’s earshot, Thorin obliged,
following Kili to a window overlooking the city of Ered Luin. He caught Dis
shaking her head in exasperation. Indeed, Kili was quite a handful, sneaking
out to go to seedy taverns without her parents’ permission. Usually, Thorin
wouldn’t mind her rebellious way, but now he wasn’t entirely happy, although he
still tried to maintain his peace. Whatever Kili’s reason for playing that
song, he didn’t want her to see how poorly he had been affected.
“There.” Kili pointed to the edge of the city. It was difficult to see the kind
of area it was from the distance, but Thorin knew from experience that taverns
located far from city center usually had poor reputation. “That’s the tavern I
went to.”
Thorin nodded absently, trying to keep his composure. “It’s fortunate your
mother isn’t here to know this. She wouldn’t be very happy.”
Kili glanced behind her and shrugged. “I was fine. It wasn’t my first visit to
a tavern. I know how to handle drunkards.”
“You had been to other taverns before that?” Thorin’s jealousy intensified at
the thought of Kili spending nights drinking and dancing with lads, who
doubtlessly fell for her charms. The thought of her with anyone else didn’t sit
comfortably with him, and not only for reasons of her safety. “I don’t suppose
you went to learn songs,” he said dryly.
“Of course not. I drank and danced as well. As wonderful as the feasts we hold
are, they can be quite stifling. It’s great to not care about how proper you
act and who you should dance with to best serve people’s interest sometimes,”
Kili replied indifferently.
“And who did you dance with?” Thorin asked against his better judgment.
Kili gave Thorin a look, but he refused to budge, giving her a level gaze.
“Lads,” she said challengingly. “Why? Does it bother you?”
“It does,” Thorin confessed through gritted teeth.
“Well, it shouldn’t!” Kili retorted. “I hadn’t met you then, so I was free to
dance with anyone!” She frowned unhappily. “I won’t be angry of any lady you
have been with. And don’t tell me there hasn’t been anyone! You can’t possibly
be untried!”
Kili’s irritation quickly overcame Thorin’s jealousy with guilt. Indeed, he
wasn’t untried. There had been many whose beds he visited. There were also many
opportunities he gladly took when he was on the road, away from the sharp eyes
of his elders and mentors. There had even been ladies whom he seriously
considered taking as his consort. Compared to those, a few nights spent in
dancing and drinking in taverns meant nothing. Thorin’s explorative days were
all in the past, where there would always remain, and Kili was wise to not mind
it. He should give her the same understanding, if not more. After all, at her
age, it was natural to want to explore what life had to offer, including
relationship. It was a period to learn about what they found attractive and how
to attract others to them. Being who she was, it wasn’t at all surprising that
Kili had evaded her parents’ supervision to spend her nights dancing in
taverns. If anything, it was far more surprising that she had spent those
nights merely dancing and singing when there had doubtlessly been ample
opportunity and willing partners to explore more of that particular aspect of
life.
“I am not untried,” Thorin admitted. He looked at Kili to gauge her reaction
and found her unmoved from her initial annoyance. The confession truly didn’t
bother her. It was a relief and at the same time a source of embarrassment for
Thorin, who was angry still about Kili’s past choices of companions.
“Then it shouldn’t matter that I spent some nights dancing with some lads!”
Kili asserted.
Thorin knew she was correct and he was in the wrong, but still jealousy
lingered. It was a part of his ugly nature, this reluctance to share even for a
moment, the unreasonable desire to possess wholly. He forced it down, reminding
himself how unreasonable it was to be angry over past behaviors that Kili had
left behind. “No, it shouldn’t,” he finally said rather bitterly.
Kili scowled at Thorin, knowing that he was still unable to let go of her past
adventure. She wouldn’t be wrong to be upset. After all, Thorin was being
unreasonable and unjust, expecting her to meet a standard he himself had
foregone. And indeed he had never expected anyone before her to meet this
senseless expectation. Even when courting highborn ladies in the past, Thorin
had been completely understanding when some of them confessed to not being
chaste. Kili’s youth and the unprecedented strength of his feelings for her had
reinforced his selfishness, but that was not an acceptable excuse for his
attitude. Thorin sighed quietly. As difficult as it was, he must apologize.
However, it wasn’t the words that hindered him, but the sincerity of the
apology, as there remained some jealousy for lads he had never met.
“You cannot hold my past against me,” Kili said sternly. “My decisions, whether
good or bad, are mine to make. It is my life and while your thoughts and
feelings are now and in the future of important considerations for me, you do
not own me or have complete power over my life.”
Kili’s words stung, a not so gentle reminder of how he had almost broken his
promise. She was right. He had treated her as his possession rather than his
equal. He had with his jealousy demanded compete authority over her—even over
her past, which obviously even she had no control over. He was merely an aspect
of her present and future, and her life decisions he absolutely must respect.
The fact that he had never felt for anyone the way he felt for Kili now wasn’t
an excuse for his impossible expectation. Thorin nodded, chastised. “It was
insensible and unfair to expect you to have never spent time with others before
me. For that, I apologize. You have my words that I will never tell you who you
should and should not acquaint yourself with—it will all be at your own
discretion.”
Kili studied him closely, appraising the sincerity of his promise. She needn’t
be worried as Thorin truly meant it despite any lingering jealousy over the
past. He trusted her to carry out her commitment toward him just as he carried
out his toward her. Any form of insecurity and distrust would be entirely his
fault, not to be blamed on Kili. Fortunately, she seemed to understand this, as
her expression softened. Then, she shot a cautionary look behind them and
sidled close to him. Faster than Thorin could think, she lowered one of her
hands to cover his larger one, the folds of her dress covering their hands from
view.
“Kili?” Thorin asked, looking at Kili in surprise.
“I don’t want any of those lads. I never do. And now I have everything I want,”
she said firmly.
Thorin chuckled softly, great affection blooming in his heart as he laced their
fingers together. Her hand was soft, safe for some callouses from what he
suspected was sword fighting, but he didn’t mind it one bit. He wanted to bring
her hand to his lips to show her how much he adored her, but this stolen touch
should be enough for now. Thorin squeezed Kili’s hand, hoping to convey this
feeling, earning a smile of relief from her as she tightened her grip in
return. He could tell that they both wanted more, but this moment was tenuous.
Dis was still in the room with them and her handmaidens weren’t too far away.
They might understand the longing of lovers, but tradition dictated they had to
keep the lovers at respectable distance from each other. Thorin stroked Kili’s
hand with his thumb lightly, wanting to keep this moment in his memory to hold
him at bay until the next time they had another opportunity for fleeting
privacy.
“I only wanted to tease you by playing that song, not anger you,” Kili
explained.
Thorin shook his head. “I understand. It was wrong of me to let your past
behaviors bother me so much.”
“Some of these places aren’t so bad and they serve the best food and drinks in
the whole of Middle Earth in our Spring Festival. We should go there together
someday and we can dance and drink to our hearts’ content,” she suggested
hopefully.
Jealousy dissipated from Thorin’s heart when he heard this. He had been careful
not to make plans for himself and Kili, not wanting to bind her to any
expectation and obligation. They were in courtship, but nothing was for certain
yet. Anything could go wrong. Thorin could easily upset Kili beyond what
apologies could repair. Kili might not want him as much as he wanted her. Yet,
here Kili just made a plan for them both, assuring Thorin that she saw his
place in her future. How far she had planned ahead and what the plan involved,
he didn’t dare ask, but for now this was enough for a cause of celebration.
“One day we will,” he promised, squeezing her hand gently.
They talked about places Kili had gone to in Ered Luin for a while. This time,
though she implied spending some time with other dwarfs, Thorin felt little to
no jealousy at all. With their hands clasped together, he felt more certain
than ever of his future with Kili. In fact, he had never been more certain of
anything than this moment, and he definitely had never felt more content. How
he had lived his life in solitude before, he didn’t know. He was often alone,
whether by choice or not, keeping his thoughts and feelings mostly to himself,
but now the thought of being apart from Kili, without her surprises and
insights and teasing, seemed unbearable. Looking at her, he knew he would ask
for her hand in marriage, for she was the first and only dwarf he could
envision standing beside him as his royal consort. Not now, not just yet, but
soon. He would find a way to send their chaperones away and he would ask her.
If he was very lucky, she would say yes. Thorin smiled to himself, imagining
the letter he would send to Erebor to inform Balin of the happy news. He shook
his head when Kili asked what made him smile. Soon, she would know.
===============================================================================
The garden Kili had often talked about was apparently in full bloom. She didn’t
waste time to show it to Thorin. Instead of exiting the mountain as Thorin had
expected, she led him, Dis, and their attendants through many flights of stairs
and dark passages. There was no telling the direction they were going after a
few minutes in the winding path where the outside world could rarely be seen
from the few windows they passed, but they were clearly going up the mountain.
Thorin’s sense of direction, usually dull above the ground, heightened in
darkness. He memorized the way without even thinking and then compared the
growing map in his mind with his knowledge of the mountain. He wasn’t surprised
when Kili led him through a door opening up to the east, but he was surprised
by the sight that greeted him.
Despite Kili’s enthusiastic and detailed descriptions of her beloved garden, he
wasn’t quite prepared for the beauty of it. Before him was a seemingly endless
expanse of colorful flowers of every kind, parted by a path of stone. Where
there wasn’t any flower, there was greenery—climbing ivies, tall ferns, and
patches of clovers were among many. Though the sun was quite high in the sky,
the heat was barely felt as various tall trees provided shades, leaving
sunlight to struggle to penetrate through the foliage. Bird songs flitted in
the air and there was a soft but distinct sound of running water. If not for
the fact that right behind them was a rocky mountain with dark halls, steep
stairs and deep mines, it would be easy to mistake that they had been
transported to an actual forest. It was a place more fitting for an elven
kingdom if not for the way the garden was carefully arranged and separated into
separate parts instead of being allowed to grow along with the course of
nature. There was a distinct dwarven characteristic here, subtle but present
nonetheless. It wasn’t something to mistake for an elf or human garden. It was
a dwarf garden.
Though Thorin didn’t have much interest in plants in general, he was awestruck
by the garden. He was far more used to walking down his endless mines where
sparkling gems and gold dust decorated the walls and floor, along with
historical events that were carved to remind him of the pride of the dwarfs,
but he recognized the beauty of this strange wonderland. As Thorin walked down
the stone path, led by Kili, he noticed that it wasn’t so different from the
mines, however. With tall trees on either side of him and thick foliage above,
the sense of enclosure was familiar, although it was not half as dark as the
mines. Thorin started to respect whoever had brought this place to life,
expertly combining two seemingly opposite things into such beauty. No wonder
Kili loved this garden so much. If such place existed in Erebor, Thorin, too,
would be inclined to spend much of his time there.
“It’s our family garden. One of my forefathers made it,” Kili explained.
“Is it so?” Thorin wondered, looking around them in amazement. “I wasn’t aware
of this place when I visited Ered Luin decades ago.”
“Few people know of it. We don’t usually show it to people as they are
generally not interested.” Kili shrugged.
“Their loss,” Thorin said empathically.
Kili smiled widely at him. “Come this way! You can see the city here!”
After a while the trees and shrubberies parted enough to allow Thorin to see
the sky. Not too long after, he found himself standing near the edge of the
garden, a disguised half-wall of stone separating him from a sheer drop to the
rocks below. Before him, he could see almost the entirety of Ered Luin, rows
and rows of houses and shops reaching the tall walls protecting it. Although it
was impossible to see the mountain from there because the trees covered it,
Thorin judged from the distance to the city that they were very near the top. A
lot of efforts must be put into constructing it and then maintaining it.
Looking back to the garden, Thorin realized there wasn’t a single thing out of
place—not a weed in sight, not even a fallen leaf. The soil showed sign of
recent watering but he couldn’t imagine climbing all those stairs with buckets
of water. As it was, Dis and her attendants who carried nothing with them
seemed completely exhausted from their walk here. They sat down on a stone
bench under a tree to rest their legs, some of them were red-faced with
exertion and desperately fanned themselves to cool their overworked bodies.
Thorin and Kili shared amused smirks.
“How big is this garden?”
Kili hummed thoughtfully. “I’m not sure, but I think it’s almost as big as the
dining hall.”
Thorin raised an eyebrow at this. While not as big as the dining hall in
Erebor, Ered Luin’s hall still could easily hold around a few dozen dwarfs, as
he had seen for himself in the feast held after his arrival. It wasn’t as vast
as a mine or a forest, but it was still impressive. Doubly so considering the
secrecy of the garden. Hiding such a big garden in a place where it stood out
was quite a feat.
“It must be quite a challenge to take care of,” he commented in admiration.
Kili laughed. “I suppose. But I think people who take care of this garden enjoy
themselves as well. It’s a lovely place to be, don’t you think?”
“Indeed,” Thorin agreed with a nod. “Is that water that I hear?”
“There’s a pool here. Let me show you!” Kili started to lead Thorin away before
realizing that Dis didn’t move from her seat. “Aren’t you coming?” she asked
Dis.
Dis waved her hand tiredly. “I’ll join you in a moment. Don’t go too far!”
Kili nodded and showed Thorin the way to the pool. On the way, she pointed to
places where she had had her childhood adventures: trees she had fallen from,
stone where she had once skinned her knee, her favorite hiding spots as a child
playing with Fili, her favorite trees and flowers, and secluded corners she had
often used to hide from the world. She also explained to him the mechanism that
made this hidden gem possible and the alterations she had requested to better
suit the garden to her desires. Meanwhile, Thorin was so mesmerized by the
sight of her happiness that he barely paid attention to the series of small
aqueducts carrying water from inside the mountain to a small pool somewhere in
the center of the garden, an amazing mechanism that he would normally study
curiously. Kili had always been an open book, never taking much care to hide
her feelings, but something about this moment made her seem more exposed than
before. Was it the excited glint in her eyes when she talked about funny
episodes in her life, the soft curls of her lips when she recognized a favorite
tree or spot, the gentle quality of her voice when she talked about finding
solace from the world in the garden, or all of those combined? Thorin couldn’t
quite put his finger on it, but he had never seen Kili more beautiful than this
moment, talking about her beloved garden with wind in her hair and sunlight on
her skin.
“I heard it’s rude to stare,” Kili said teasingly.
Thorin cleared his throat and averted his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen
you so happy,” he lied.
“Perhaps you haven’t been paying attention,” Kili suggested in jest.
“I’d rather not be accused of staring,” Thorin retorted.
Kili laughed and gently nudged his arm with her shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind so
much if it’s you,” she said, looking at him coyly from under her eyelashes.
Affection swelled inside Thorin’s chest. His body felt warm where Kili had
brushed against him. Yearning grew and spread across Thorin. Oh, how he loved
and desired this lovely dwarf! “Then I shall try to look at you more often,” he
teased Kili with a smirk, leaning close to her.
Kili’s breath hitched. She studied Thorin’s face oddly, with a blooming flush
on her skin. “That’s very nice, but are you just going to look?” she said when
she had found her breath.
Then, before Thorin could decipher her words, Kili leaned up and kissed him. It
was a fleeting kiss, a simple contact between two pairs of lips, but Thorin’s
lips tingled. He stared at her, the ghost of the softness of her lips, and the
warmth of her breath stayed with him after she pulled away. The closeness they
briefly shared when they kissed left him cold when she moved away, or maybe his
body had heated up. His longing to hold her, which was now a fixture in
Thorin’s life, welled up, taking over him. His mind was suddenly quiet but for
the whispers of yearning from its dark recesses he usually tried desperately to
ignore. Thorin stopped, trying to make sense of what had just happened.
Kili turned to him with a mischievous smile, a blush staining her cheeks. “That
was my first kiss,” she announced proudly.
Thorin prided himself for his self-control, whether in life in general or
politics. He certainly did his best in restraining his less pleasant traits
before Kili. However, there was a limit to will-power. He had wanted Kili for
so long—since he first dreamt of her in Erebor and even before that. The kiss,
innocent though it was, ignited the desire Thorin had tried very hard to
contain he had even forgotten as he sought to win back her favor and then
courting her to be his consort. Thorin’s control snapped and within the blink
of an eye, he carried Kili with a hand on her back and another on her thigh to
pin her against a tree, trampling over flowers as he did so. She gasped sharply
in surprise, but the noise was soon swallowed by Thorin’s greedy mouth as he
plundered her lips. He took the chance presented to him and slipped his tongue
into her mouth, claiming the warm cavern thoroughly and hungrily. Kili made a
small noise of pleasure and dug her fingers deeply into his shoulders as he
settled himself firmly between her legs, his cock pressing against her core
through their many layers of clothes. She kissed him back clumsily and tried to
copy him, but Thorin had no interest in teaching at the moment. He dominated
the kiss, deepening it and caressing the inside of her mouth demandingly until
she simply whimpered and let him do as he pleased, doing nothing more than
weakly flickering her tongue against his. Growling, Thorin pressed even closer
to her. He moved his hand from her back to the slight swell of her breast to
fondle it, his thumb searching for her nipple through her dress.
Kili arched her back, pushing her breast into Thorin’s large hand eagerly. Her
thighs clamped around Thorin as he began to rock his hips to alleviate the
building ache of his arousal. She must have felt his cock, a hard line rubbing
demandingly against her untouched folds through their clothes. His lust was
unmistakable, leaving no question for what he desired. Kili’s needy whine was
muffled by Thorin’s mouth, but she made her arousal known by tilting her hips,
as if to entice Thorin to push into her, claiming her truly and completely.
Thorin moaned deeply, knowing that the only things separating him and his wish
to have her were several flimsy layers of clothes, and rutted more desperately
against her, his thumb flicking her pebbled nipple and making her push into his
hand. He could feel a growing damp patch on his breeches and wondered if he had
affected her as badly. Pinning Kili securely against the tree with his body,
Thorin slipped his free hand into her dress skirt. She bucked her hips in
surprise at the first caress on her thigh, but didn’t try to get away. As
Thorin ran his hand up her thigh impatiently, she merely trembled and moaned.
He didn’t savor the novelty of Kili’s smooth skin, having only one thing in
mind: to touch her where she had never been touched before, to test the passage
his throbbing cock would take. Thorin kissed Kili all the deeper, fingers
inching closer to her core.
“Kili?”
The approaching voice shattered the illusion of privacy Thorin and Kili were
in. Thorin quickly pulled away and looked at Kili with wide eyes, horrified by
his lapse of control. She looked positively wrecked, panting against the tree,
her legs barely able to keep her upright. Her full lips were kiss-swollen and
her tan skin flushed by passion. When she looked at him, her eyes were full of
plea for him to continue. If Thorin gave in to their desire, Kili would not
stop him, eagerly spreading her legs to let him claim her young body. His cock
twitched at the thought of pushing into the tight channel even as horror dawned
on him.
Now that he was away from Kili, Thorin realized what he had done. That was only
her second kiss and he had already taken her well over the line of propriety.
Kili clearly didn’t know how to reciprocate his attention but he took advantage
of her lack of protest to grope her insistently. She was inexperienced, but he
had rutted against her like an animal. She was so young. He remembered that
now, recalling her clumsy kiss and touches, staring at the wide-eyed look of
wonder she gave him, noticing just now the curves that just started to appear
on her body. Thorin had forgotten this in his exuberance over their courtship,
but now he remembered it and he remembered his nightmares of tearing her apart
with his lust. He realized how close he had come to realizing them, how close
he was to hurting Kili. Though he wanted her, though she made him happy and
understood him better than anyone, though he loved her more than anything, she
was still very young and he had taken advantage of her.
Kili started to approach him, smiling dreamily, but Thorin stepped back and
away from her. She stopped and frowned in confusion. “What’s wrong?”
Thorin gritted his teeth. His yearning for her still burnt bright even after
the grim realization. He could still taste her on his tongue and feel her under
his hands. His cock was still painfully stiff, still aching for her. Thorin
felt sick when he thought of what he very nearly did to her. “That was a
mistake,” he said quietly. He could hear the approaching footsteps of Dis and
her attendants. From the corner of his eyes he could see them, their colorful
dresses contrasting against the green of the garden.
Kili looked upset. She walked toward Thorin briskly. “What do you mean?” she
asked, reaching out to touch Thorin.
“Stay away from me!” Thorin barked, making Kili flinch and step back. Based on
the sudden silence from Dis and her attendants, they had heard it, too. Thorin
should apologize, but he couldn’t bear to be near Kili for much longer after
what they had done. He rushed away from Kili, barely giving Dis’s shocked
expression a glance as he walked past her. In his haste, he almost ran down the
stairs and hallways despite the dimness of light there. Thorin feared no injury
on himself. It was Kili he didn’t want to hurt the most, and yet he almost… He
actually thought to…
No one dared to stop him and made way for him as he stomped his way back to his
chamber. When he reached it at last, he slammed the door shut. Finally safely
away from Kili, Thorin sat down heavily on a nearby chair. He clenched his
hands tightly as his mind warred against his body. It took a while, his desire
for Kili so potent after experiencing the promise of ecstasy in her body, but
his conscience finally won, his lust wilting away completely. Thorin grimaced
and closed his eyes, angry at himself. How could he have forgotten? How could
he have lost control? How could he claim to love Kili then treated her so
poorly and even almost hurt her? He had been so thrilled by a simple kiss that
he forgot how much pain he could cause her. But, that was not an excuse for his
earlier behavior. He was older, more experienced. Even if Kili was curious and
welcoming of his advances, he should have better control of himself. He
should’ve looked after her but he had failed her.
Thorin had made a mistake. The gift he gave, this trip, and his courtship were
great mistakes. He had overestimated his ability to contain himself and
forgotten to treat Kili with respect. He had wronged Kili in so many ways. She
might not realize this or care about this, but Thorin knew better. He knew now
to doubt himself, another lapse of control was a very real threat. But, it
wasn’t yet too late to undo his mistakes. Thorin swallowed thickly as pain and
guilt lanced through his heart. He had to let Kili go.
===============================================================================
It was true when Thorin said he wasn’t untried—he had been in many
relationships before. He was, therefore, not a stranger to ending one. It was
never a pleasant conversation and some of his past lovers did react strongly to
it, but he knew what to say when the course of a relationship reached its end.
He knew how to explain and to pacify, to end things as amicably as possible. He
had enough enemy as it were; he didn’t want to create more. Most of the time,
he managed to end the relationships on good term. Although he couldn’t frankly
call his past lovers his good friends, they still got along rather well. He
still met some of them sometimes and he was glad to say that the smiles and
nods they exchanged were not too strained. Though this time the relationship
was far more serious that his past ones, he knew exactly how to put an end to
it without hurting anyone too much. But, he couldn’t do it.
It wasn’t only because he was still a guest in Ered Luin or because of the
expectation of his people. Thorin couldn’t bring himself to hurt Kili any more
than he already had. The look of shock and pain that crossed her face when he
shouted at her still haunted him. It might be for her own good—he wasn’t sure
whether he’d be able to contain himself if she stayed near him—but Thorin never
wanted to hurt Kili for whatever reason. He had told himself over and over to
control his naturally cantankerous predisposition and his impatience before her
precisely to avoid hurting her the way he had in the garden. But there was no
such thing as kindly ending a relationship, especially when love was so
great—and Thorin was sure Kili loved him. He could word himself carefully,
distance himself, use reasons instead of feelings, but he could never
completely avoid causing pain, not only to her but also himself.
Just the thought of ending this courtship was unbearable. Thorin loved Kili so
much, wanted her to be his wife so much, needed her companionship more than he
needed ever needed anyone in his long life. He had in his mind a tentative
fantasy of life with Kili by his side, a fantasy that had continued to grow in
their togetherness, but his loss of control in the garden had shattered it. He
was a threat to Kili and must not be allowed close to her. However, Kili didn’t
understand and refused to keep away from him. During meals, she kept looking at
him, brows deeply furrowed in confusion and hurt. Though he tried to avoid her,
he found her searching for him in hallways and chambers. When he turned away in
clear refusal to speak to her, she hovered near, watching him in distress,
waiting for him to talk to her and return to the way he had been. Kili deserved
explanation and a proper ending, but Thorin couldn’t give it—not without
risking their hearts and her well-being, for Thorin feared what might happen if
they were left alone to have this conversation. The dreams that visited him
every night since the kiss warned him of his lust. He couldn’t be trusted
around Kili.
Vilir’s study was the only place Kili wouldn’t dare barge into, no matter her
frustration. Thus, Thorin resorted to spending most of his time with Vilir
under the pretense of discussing the various intricacies of politics of Middle
Earth. Vilir wasn’t fooled, looking at Thorin wistfully at every lull of their
discussions when Thorin’s mind invariably wandered to Kili. However, he
remained respectfully quiet, obliging Thorin’s wish to be kept away from Kili.
Similarly, Dis and Fili were quiet, although they threw concerned looks at him
and Kili every so often. Thorin was grateful that they allowed him to sort out
this matter in private, although he didn’t know what to do yet, just as he was
grateful that Kili didn’t seem to tell anyone about what had caused the rift to
begin with. It wasn’t at all because Thorin was worried of his reputation.
Instead, it was Kili’s reputation he was concerned of, for although it was him
who had lost control, he knew that the blame would most likely be unjustly
placed on her, especially because of his position. She would be judged most
harshly, possibly accused of unseemly things, for hisuncontrollable desire.
Truly, Thorin had been unfair and cruel to her.
Expecting privacy, Thorin was therefore surprised when one evening before he
retired to bed early in preparation of hunting tomorrow, someone knocked on his
door. At first, he worried it might be Kili. Here in his chamber with no one to
keep him in check, he feared what his longing might lead him to do to her.
Thorin hesitated to open the door, but deeply ingrained manners didn’t allow
him to reject his host. He was not child who sulked and locked himself in his
room to avoid things he didn’t want. He was an adult and if it was indeed Kili
visiting him, he would tell her to leave. They would talk, but not yet, and
certainly not in his chamber.
The sight of Dwalin at his door took Thorin by surprise. For his part, Dwalin
merely grunted and raised his hands, showing the bottles of liquor he carried.
This was unusual. No matter how close they were, it was rare for Dwalin to
intrude on him without notice, even for something as harmless as drinking. A
little confused, Thorin stepped aside to let his friend in.
I hope you have goblets here,” he said once the door closed behind him.
“I do. What are those?”
“Not wine.” Dwalin put the bottles on a table and went to fetch two goblets for
them. He poured drink for both of them with a frown. “We’ll need something
stronger for this conversation.”
“And what conversation are we having?” Thorin asked, picking up one of the
goblets. He almost winced when he smelt the strong scent of alcohol. Not wine,
indeed.
“Your little quarrel with Kili.”
Thorin grimaced and took a large gulp of his drink. Immediately, he felt light-
headed and warm under the collar. He sat down heavily on a nearby chair, not
wanting to disgrace himself further by losing his balance. He would regret it
come morning when he went hunting, but presently he couldn’t quite bring
himself to care. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“I agree,” Dwalin said, for once drinking much slower than Thorin, and sat down
opposite to Thorin. “It’s not my place to ask.”
“Then why are you asking?” Dwalin gave him a look that suggested he thought
Thorin daft. In any other situation, this would lead to an argument, but now
Thorin only took another gulp of his drink. “This is a private matter,” he said
firmly.
“You have been openly ignoring and avoiding the lass. There is nothing private
about this anymore. This whole mountain is talking about you and her.” Ever the
frank dwarf, Dwalin spoke plainly. “They are worried and it’s only a matter of
time before Erebor and Balin are worried, too.”
The mention of his friend’s name and the knowledge that people were talking
about him and Kili didn’t sit well with Thorin, especially considering the
cause of the strive between him and Kili. He scowled at Dwalin as if he was
responsible for it. “This has nothing to do with anyone else!”
Dwalin quietly watched Thorin finished his drink. “Things are not that simple
for you,” he pointed out sensibly.
Thorin gave his friend a withering glare but he knew it was in vain. Dwalin was
correct, no matter how he wished and tried to keep the relationship private,
his status didn’t allow him to completely remove it from the public. Peace and
the livelihood of thousands rested on their relationship. Whether Thorin liked
it or not, dwarfs across Middle Earth were invested in the courtship and, as a
king, Thorin had to take their opinions into consideration before making any
significant decision when it came to Kili. Further, he knew that if he were to
heed them and only them, then he should marry Kili immediately regardless of
what the union might do to her, what Thorinmight do to her and had done to her.
Thorin was familiar with the concept of sacrificing oneself for the greater
good, but he had no desire to apply that to anyone else, least of all Kili.
“What do people say?” Thorin asked, struggling to compose himself. The effect
of the alcohol slightly faded away, allowing him to think with more clarity,
though he feared his tongue was loose still. Dwalin was so loyal that Thorin
doubted he would blame him for succumbing to his desire. He might not approve,
but it was very unlikely that he would express that disapproval beyond private
reprimand or do something to prevent it from happening again, although Thorin
knew he should be kept away from Kili. No one would do it for him—not even Kili
seemed to think it a necessary step. It was all up to him to keep his distance
to keep her safe. Revealing his lapse of control would do no good. If anything
it would only result in Dwalin thinking poorly of Kili, who was not at all at
fault.
“They’re worried of what it might mean for their future since they have put so
much hope in your courtship. As you know, she’s quite popular among the people
of Ered Luin and some aren’t happy by what they perceive to be you toying with
her and with Ered Luin in extension,” Dwalin answered. He bought a goblet to
his lips. “I don’t need to remind you the risk this carries.”
It’s not a surprising news. Thorin had full confidence in Vilir and Dis’s
friendship with him, but he wondered if he would still have their support if
their disappointed people decided to go against Thorin. The couple was loyal to
him, but they were also sensible just rulers. If they thought Thorin didn’t
treat their people as well as he could, they might consider siding with their
people. Further, would they still be willing to maintain their friendship if
they knew what Thorin had done to their daughter? Kili might not have objected,
but Thorin had undeniably taken advantage of her innocence, letting himself be
seduced by one chaste kiss. Thorin knew how much they loved their daughter and
would be much surprised if that didn’t upset them. He frowned when he
remembered Dwalin’s promise to demolish Ered Luin if they decided to rebel
against Thorin. Thorin didn’t want to fight his own people, no matter the
cause. But did it mean he had to risk Kili’s wellbeing? He remembered how
harshly he had kissed Kili and how his hands had roamed her untouched body. Had
there been more time for privacy, he might have taken her right there and then,
ruining her reputation, body, and life. The wave of arousal he felt when he
thought back on her sweet taste and soft skin and imagined burying himself in
her warmth horrified him. He really couldn’t be trusted around Kili.
At Thorin’s prolonged silence, Dwalin exhaled loudly. “What happened?” he
asked, sounding reluctant to ask. “Dis told me you shouted at Kili and now
refuse let her go near you.”
Thorin looked away in the pretense of refilling his goblet, but he knew he
couldn’t leave that question unanswered forever. He sipped his drink slowly
this time to give himself time and allow himself to think. The drink made his
usual restraint around his thoughts looser. It took all of his efforts not to
divulge the horrifying details to Dwalin. “I’ve realized the error of my way.
I’ve been too hasty, too thoughtless in pursuing Kili. It was a mistake to
raise my voice on her, but it’s for her own good that she keeps her distance
from me,” he said, deliberately vague.
Dwalin frowned. “I thought you’ve gotten over that thinking, seeing as you’ve
gone all the way here from Erebor,” he said, thankfully misunderstanding that
it was about Kili’s young age. He wasn’t entirely wrong, but Thorin didn’t want
to tell him how close to the truth he was.
“I had some reservation before we left, but everything had been prepared and my
arrival was expected. I couldn’t not go. Then, when I arrived, I was…
distracted by other things. It didn’t occur to me again how wrong I have been
until a few days ago,” Thorin admitted.
Fortunately, Dwalin wasn’t interested in knowing what caused Thorin’s sudden
change of mind. “You still worry even though Kili has agreed to let you court
her? Didn’t you say she’s smarter than she let on? Doesn’t that mean she knows
what she’s agreeing?” Dwalin asked, incredulous.
Thorin scowled. “She doesn’t understand the risk! Her childhood infatuation
didn’t allow her to see things as they are! She is carried away by the
excitement and so was I, but I won’t allow this anymore! I can’t let myself
risk her wellbeing anymore!”
Thorin hid his guilt by drinking from his goblet as Dwalin assessed him
seriously. “Have you talked to the lass about this?” Dwalin finally asked.
“No, not yet.” Try as he might, Thorin couldn’t hide the regret in his voice.
He was too selfish to end it properly immediately. He didn’t want to end it
when he was so in love with Kili and knew Kili loved him in return. But, he had
to soon. It was for her own good. Kili might trust him with her well-being, but
Thorin couldn’t trust himself after losing himself in his lust a few days ago.
“You should,” Dwalin advised uneasily. “Maybe she’ll be able to ease your
mind.”
Thorin sighed wearily. “Maybe I don’t want to ease my mind.”
“Don’t you want to reconcile with her?” Dwalin asked, frowning.
“It would be what people expect from me. It’s the best course of action for our
people.” He paused, grimacing. “But it won’t be fair for Kili.” Nor would it be
safe for her, but he didn’t want to tell Dwalin that.
Dwalin was quiet for a while, allowing Thorin to soothe his stinging heart with
a goblet full of the strong drink. When he spoke again, he still sounded
uncomfortable, but firm in his words. “You may think she’s young, but you have
taken her as your equal the moment you started courting her and you should
treat her as such. She deserves better than silence and your personal
judgment.”
Thorin glanced up from his goblet but didn’t say anything. Seeing this, Dwalin
said no more and continued to drink his fill. In the not-so-companionable
silence that followed, Thorin thought of his friend’s suggestion. What was
there to be said? He had violated the trust placed upon him by her and everyone
else by letting his desire overcome him, risking Kili in the process. That she
sought to speak with him indicated that she thought differently, but that
didn’t change how wrong it was for Thorin to lose control. He valued Kili’s
thoughts and feelings but he also knew her exuberant disposition and he was
worried how it might lead her astray. He knew she would not think him wrong for
touching her so inappropriately and roughly. What could a discussion with her
produce? To rectify the situation, the only way was to end the courtship
unilaterally without asking for Kili’s input. Thorin knew his will was weak
before Kili. If she refused to end the courtship, even if it was for her own
good, he wouldn’t be able to argue. However, it wouldn’t be fair to decide
things on his own. Dwalin was right in saying that she deserved better than
silence and personal judgment. Thorin had promised to listen to her and he
should honor that promise. He owed her explanation and apology. If he could
show her the risks shewould be facing, perhaps she would see reasons and allow
things to end peacefully. It wouldn’t be an easy conversation, but it was
necessary and it was the appropriate thing to do.
Thorin took a deep breath and made up his mind. He would speak to Kili. He
would apologize to her and explain his view of why they should cease their
courtship. He would convince her to not tempt fate and end their courtship for
her sake. Words could not take back his action in his lapse of control, but he
hoped she would find it in her heart to forgive him for both taking advantage
of her and prematurely ending the life together they both desired. Hopefully,
the inevitable pain would be as brief as possible, if not for himself then for
Kili. But, for now, Thorin drank and drank, vainly hoping the alcohol would
numb the pain of his broken heart.
Chapter End Notes
     I don't really have any inspiration for the garden, but I did google
     pictures of pretty gardens around the world. Here are two pictures
     that are close to what I have in mind. There's a brief mention of the
     aqueducts in the garden. That's from a documentary I watched about
     Alhambra in Spain. It's located on top of a hill so they had to find
     some ways to bring water from a river below all the way to the top.
     They do this using sorcery-I mean physics. There's something about
     angle and things that I didn't pay attention to at school but
     basically it's possible to transport water to maintain garden on top
     of a hill, or in this case a mountain.
     There's also a mention of pride of dwarfs. It's the title of a
     soundtrack of a Tolkien game (which I don't play because I suck at
     gaming but like listening to instrumental music during work).
     Want me to stop talking so much in notes? Talk to me in my tumblr!
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     Did anyone miss this story? Well, anyway here's a new chapter.
     Warning for hunting and killed animal. The number of pictures of dead
     animals I saw to write this chapter was disturbingly high. Also this
     contains pretty graphic sexual fantasy involving an underage person.
     But I mean if you've gotten this far, you should already know this,
     so complaints will be laughed at.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Although Thorin and Dwalin didn’t drink too late into the night, the potency of
the alcohol still affected them strongly. Thorin woke up with a headache. It
wasn’t so painful that he was bed-bound, but it was enough to slow him. He
contemplated cancelling his plan for a hunt, but he dismissed the thought. If
he were to talk to Kili, he should do so without tension further straining his
limited patience, and there were few better ways to release said tension than a
good hunt. So, Thorin went on with his plan for the day. With the help of his
attendants, he changed into his hunting outfit and left his chambers to join
the rest of the hunting party outside of the mountain.
Vilir, Fili, and a group of guards had waited for Thorin when he arrived. There
were more people who would join the hunt than what Thorin felt was strictly
necessary, but he understood that they were there for his safety. He saw Dwalin
talk with someone Thorin assumed to be the huntsman. His friend looked only
slightly worse for wear, his night of intoxication perceptible only from the
way he squinted at sunlight. Dwalin and the huntsman, followed by the rest of
the hunters, joined Thorin, Vilir, and Fili shortly to discuss their plan today
while having breakfast. The forest around Ered Luin was so rich with life that
they might have their pick of the game, but they aimed for deer this time,
reasoning that they always provided a good sport, but generally not too
dangerous, especially for dwarfs as skilled as they were. Thorin suspected that
this decision was strongly influenced by Dwalin, but said nothing. As much as
he’d like something more dangerous than deer to release his frustration, he
knew himself well enough to tell that he wasn’t in the proper condition for
more vigorous hunt.
The hearty breakfast made Thorin feel more ready for the hunt and put him in a
better mood. He chatted with Vilir and Fili about the weather while their
attendants prepared their ponies and various gears. The impatient barks of the
hounds as they were led to the path they believed the deer would take filled
Thorin with excitement. He hadn’t gone on a hunt for so long, spending most of
his days in his study ruling his kingdom. He had forgotten the exhilaration
that came with the sport and couldn’t wait for the chase. Although Thorin might
have lost some of his hunting skill, he still had his battle experiences aiding
him. The plan the huntsman had laid out earlier was familiar in a way, full of
strict discipline and clever trickeries. He recalled gloomy nights spent in
tents far from home, discussing how to proceed with battle the next day so that
it would be the last day and no more blood was split. There was far more joy in
a hunt than in a battle, however, no matter how similar they might be. Thorin
grinned, heart drumming in his chest, when the huntsman announced it was time
to start the hunt.
Horns blown, the group rode into the forest, led by a hound. The animal sniffed
the ground rapidly before taking off to one direction. The party’s pace was
slow to start to match the hound’s and to not tire the ponies prematurely. Here
was the difference between a hunt and a battle, Thorin thought. It tested a
dwarf’s patience to seek a quarry and approach it quietly, unlike the rather
unceremonious charging that often happened in battles. But, ambushing was a
valuable skill to have and patience was a never a bad trait to have. Bloodlust,
which was so often present in battles, was also absent, replaced by simple
competitiveness. It wasn’t too dissimilar from the years of training to be
proper warriors, when young impressionable dwarfs competed to be the best, not
yet quite grasping that there was more to the challenge of being a real warrior
than getting praises from their betters. It brought Thorin back to easier times
and released some tension from his shoulders. He let anticipation built inside
him and sharpened his focus. The large royal forest of Ered Luin was teeming
with life at this time of the year, with small animals rustling among leaves
and shrubberies around them and birds singing happily above them. All these
Thorin ignored at the moment in favor of focusing on the hunt. Later, after the
game had been caught he would enjoy the scenery, but for now his attention was
on the hound.
Focused on the hunt, Thorin noticed too late that someone had come to join
them. At first, the noise of a galloping pony was dim, but it soon became
louder as it neared them. The party stopped in confusion—and no small
irritation on Thorin’s part. The huntsman ordered the hound to stop so they
could wait to see who was coming. Dwalin came to the rear to welcome the
newcomer, his hand at the hilt of his sword. Vilir and Fili remained beside
Thorin, exchanging mildly concerned looks. Thorin rather shared their
sentiment. He thought it was unlikely that anyone came to threaten them,
especially since there only seemed to be one pony coming. Surely, no one was so
foolish as to come after an entire group of trained warriors on his own. Most
likely it was a message from the mountain that required their immediate
attention—an unfortunate but not entirely unpredictable occurrence. Thorin
sighed and waited, selfishly hoping it wasn’t a message for him as he was
starting to enjoy the activity.
The last thing Thorin expected to see was Kili riding a pony with a quiver full
of arrows on her back and a bow in her hand. She led her pony to the hunting
party, slowing down as she neared them. Then, ignoring the looks from the
guards, she approached Thorin. The look she gave him was full of determination.
There was little doubt in Thorin’s mind that she had timed her departure from
the mountain deliberately after they set off for the hunt so that Thorin
couldn’t evade her by cancelling the activity. It was clear that she had tired
of his avoidance and was determined to have his time. The resolution in Kili’s
face both thrilled and worried Thorin. It was a trait he so adored from her and
he felt the warmth of fondness grew in his chest. It devastated him that the
best course of action for him to take was to remove himself from Kili’s life.
“Why are you here?” Vilir asked his daughter.
“I was bored, so I thought I’d join you,” Kili answered with a disarming smile,
but no one was fooled.
Fili examined her with a frown, noting that she wore a pretty red dress more
fitting for a royal court than a hunt. “You’re not even wearing proper hunting
attire and you only have your bow and arrow!” he said reproachfully, sounding
rather similar to Dis as he did so.
However, Kili wasn’t dissuaded. She merely raised an eyebrow at him. “You of
all people know I only need them.”
While Fili possessed his mother’s voice of reasons, he seemed to not have her
persistence, or perhaps he knew his sister well enough that she had spoken the
truth. He folded and looked to his father for decision on the unexpected
arrival. For his part, Vilir merely regarded Kili carefully and, seemingly not
finding any fault in her argument, smiled. “I certainly don’t mind having one
of my best hunters with us. But,” he added pointedly when Kili began to smile
widely. “this hunt is not for you, or even Fili or I. It’s for His Majesty.
You’ll only bore yourself further by following us.”
Kili frowned unhappily. Thorin hoped she would give up and ride back to the
mountain, but a glance at him and she persisted. “Are you sure you don’t want
me even though I can tell you that if you ride to the south you will find a
sounder of wild boars, three of them rather heavy adults? I saw their tracks
earlier on my way here.”
Interested by the prospect of more dangerous game, Thorin looked to the
direction Kili had indicated. Even Vilir and Fili seemed intrigued. But,
minding his state, Thorin decided against the temptation to seek the thrill of
danger. The temptation to bring Kili with them, however, was more difficult to
resist. He had to admit he was curious to see the extent of Kili’s tracking
skill. Did she truly deserved being called one of Ered Luin’s best hunters by
Vilir or was Vilir merely being an adulating parent? Thorin frowned, realizing
that the decision now rested on him regarding whether to go on with the plan
and whether to allow Kili to go with them. “We will continue hunting the deer,
although I wouldn’t mind hunting other animals afterward,” he finally said.
Then, with a carefully neutral look, he nodded to Kili. “You may come with us.”
Even if her motive hadn’t been transparent earlier, Kili’s triumphant grin now
gave her away completely. The party continued the hunt, now with a strange
atmosphere surrounding them. Thorin rode at the front where he could see the
hound, while Kili persistently rode near him. Vilir and Fili stayed behind
them, silent but ready to intervene should Kili do something to incite Thorin’s
wrath again. There was no need to worry about that, but of course they didn’t
know it. Guilt and longing battled inside Thorin. He dared not even throw a
glance at Kili, knowing seeing her would further ruin his already frayed
control. He truly didn’t wish to harm her any more than he already had.
“Won’t you talk to me?” Kili begged in frustration, speaking only loud enough
for Thorin, and maybe the hound and the huntsman, to hear.
Thorin gritted his teeth and glared at the hound, willing the animal to hurry
and find the deer. Such thing was beyond his control, of course, and the hound
remained searching. Beside Thorin, Kili exhaled in exasperation.
“How am I supposed to apologize and fix my mistake if I don’t know what I’ve
done wrong?’” she tried again. It seemed that she’s as near to her wit’s end as
Thorin was to his.
Of course she didn’t know her fault—she had made none. It was entirely Thorin’s
fault to lose as much control over himself as he did, his fault to forget her
well-being. “This is not the right place for this conversation,” Thorin
murmured to alleviate her guilt, the first time he spoke to her in days.
“When will we speak, then?” Kili asked.
When? Thorin wasn’t sure anymore. He had planned to speak with her after the
hunt, after his guilt and frustration were sufficiently removed from him. But,
with her by his side now, he wasn’t sure he could achieve what he had come for.
Even now, just riding beside her, he was filled with longing. The memory of
their kisses—one innocent, the other decidedly not—rushed back to his mind. He
wanted to taste her sweet mouth again and touch her smooth skin. He wanted to
talk to her again and listen to her stories. Thorin wanted many things with
her—happiness, companionship, a life together—but Kili was far too young and he
was far too harmful for her.
“I don’t know yet,” Thorin finally replied.
“Thorin…”
But the huntsman halted, stopping the party. He pointed to a direction where
they could just see the herd of deer, partly concealed by trees and
shrubberies. Among the herd was a beautiful stag with marvelous antlers,
peacefully grazing, unaware that it’s being watched. It was clear which of the
animals they would target. Thorin immediately set his focus back to the hunt.
Even Kili beside him had fallen silent, assessing the game. It occurred to him
that she hadn’t joined them when the huntsman laid out the plan. So, Thorin
caught her eyes and glanced back, signaling to give way to her father and
brother. She did so without protest, making way for them. Once he felt that
everything was in place, Thorin nodded to the huntsman, who blew the horn,
signing that the hunt had begun.
Thunderous galloping soon replaced the peace of the forest. The deer raised
their heads for just a brief second before taking off. More horns were being
blown to alert the other hunters and hounds. Thorin ignored them. He led the
group, eyes locked onto the beautiful stag that desperately tried to outrun the
hunters. The other deer didn’t concern him much and he let those who managed to
escape leave unharmed. Vilir and Fili were on either side of him, giving quick
directions when Thorin strayed from the route. Although he was out of practice,
Thorin found it easy to relearn the skill, leading the stag to the path they
had set for it. The animal was at its prime, so it would be quite a chase, but
Thorin didn’t mind at all. He didn’t want an easy game; he wanted a challenge
and this stag would deliver it.
One by one, hunters and hounds joined the chase. They expertly kept the
thinning herd on the right path. The hounds obeyed their masters’ orders and
chased only the stag, ignoring the other deer. The herd showed no sign of
exhaustion, easily jumping over obstacles as if they weren’t there at all. But
while they weren’t yet tired, they were increasingly distressed. The hounds
chasing them while barking endlessly and the horns continuously being blown
frightened the animals. Thorin pursued them in excitement, a small smile spread
on his lips. He barely sensed the bite of sunlight on his skin or the droplets
of sweat running down his skin. His heart pounded in his chest, but not out of
anxiety as it usually did in battles. It was thrill that filled him, no less
potent than what he felt in the face of death, but much more welcomed. He felt
no impatience as the chase dragged on. The animal’s stamina was what made them
such a great quarry and he wanted it to display it more as to further sweeten
the achievement at the end of a very successful hunt.
Finally, only the stag was left. Though it was indeed an adult male at its
peak, eventually it succumbed to exhaustion. Thorin noted with victory as it
slowed down. It ran some more despite the tiredness, but eventually it stopped
and turned around. Unable to escape on its feet, it now used its final strength
to fight its pursuers. The hunters and the hounds stopped at a distance as
Thorin dismounted his pony. He unsheathed his sword, eyeing the stag carefully
while it bowed its head to point its antlers at him. Here was the dangerous
part, Thorin knew. They might seem docile but they could very much do great
harm, and Thorin wasn’t wearing any armor to protect himself. One stab of the
sharp tines in the right places and he would be grievously injured. Thorin had
strength, even in his compromised condition, but the stag had speed. It would
be quite an even match, which made things all the more exhilarating.
The stag put up quite a fight, charging every time Thorin got too close. He
evaded the attack each time—too narrowly for his taste, but he only had himself
to blame for drinking so much last night. The loud barking of the hounds
disturbed him now, but he forced himself to only pay attention to the stag
before him, knowing that cornered animals became more dangerous. True enough,
one moment of inattention and the stag charged forward. Thorin just barely
missed the attack, the coarse antlers brushing against his arm as he reared
away. The hunters behind him stirred but didn’t intervene when they saw that he
was all right. Thorin caught a glimpse of Kili’s red dress, which stood in
stark contrast against their surroundings, and childishly wondered whether he
impressed her. He would find out later, he supposed. For now, he searched for
the stag’s weakness, just a small window of opportunity where he could evade
the dangerous antlers and kill the animal.
Focused on the stag and foolishly thinking that the hounds were merely worried
for its master, it took all of the hunters far too long to realize that the
barks had taken a different quality. They were now not impatient for their
rewards, but scared. Thorin would’ve realized this sooner had he not been able
to finally approach the stag then. He wrestled it to the ground and brought his
sword to its slender throat, intending to put a swift end to its life. However,
the sharp edge of his sword had barely grazed the stag’s neck when rustling
leaves from behind him distracted Thorin. He looked back in alarm, just in time
to see a dark shape emerging from the forest.
“Bear!” Fili shouted.
Thorin immediately released the stag, which leapt to its feet and found
strength to escape hunters and bear alike. Unfortunately, Thorin didn’t have
its speed. While normally he had little trouble defeating larger animals, such
as wargs, his current state and his unpreparedness put him at a disadvantage.
When the bear roared and charged forward, he only managed to take a couple of
steps back before it reached him, half standing up. A large paw with sharp
claws struck his shoulder, drawing blood and making him drop his sword. Thorin
shouted in pain, but before it managed to do more damage, he put all his
strength to his weaker hand and hit its large head. The force was enough to
daze the animal but not scare it. Realizing that he was not in the shape to
face the beast, Thorin decided to retreat.
The bear displayed its sharp teeth as it roared angrily. Fortunately, by then
Thorin was well away from it. He mounted his pony as quickly as he could while
clutching his injured shoulder. Dwalin was by his side in an instant and, after
seeing the amount of blood lost, shouted for the hunters to leave. The bear
wasn’t quite finished with them, however, and stood on its hind feet to roar
again threateningly, towering above the dwarfs. The ponies whinnied in fear and
started to turn around to run when it lowered itself back to its four feet to
chase them. The hunters easily rode back, but Thorin, who only had one hand on
the rein and fresh wounds spreading pain across his side, had difficulty riding
his frightened pony. Dwalin grabbed the rein impatiently but he was far too
distracted by the looming danger to lead two horses at once. Seeing this, Vilir
and Fili dismounted their ponies to stand before their king, ready to defend
him. However, they weren’t as quick as Kili. There was a blur of red and then
Kili was standing between her father and brother, and the bear, arrow aimed at
the beast. It bared its teeth as it ran toward her, yet Kili held her ground.
Thorin’s heart skipped a beat as he took in the sight before him. “Kili!”
Thorin shouted. Disregarding his injury, he tried to dismount, but he wasn’t
half as fast as the bear. His blood ran cold as the animal charged forward,
ready to rip Kili to shreds.
Kili released the arrow before the bear took half a dozen step. It embedded
itself precisely between the bear’s eyes. For one terrifying moment, the attack
seemed meaningless. It was a huge bear and the arrow was only small slim weapon
even if it hit the target accurately. What effect could Kili’s attack have?
Yet, the bear deviated from its path and fell on its side with a pained noise.
It’s not dead yet, but it couldn’t attack them anymore. Vilir and Fili rushed
toward it, followed by Dwalin and other hunters, to finish its life. Thorin,
meanwhile, stayed on his pony, staring at Kili. She lowered her hands, tucked
the bow at her side, and turned back toward Thorin. On her face were
fearlessness and fortitude that Thorin had often seen in battlefields. Death
had just stared right at her, but she looked back, as unmoved as a mountain, as
brave as any seasoned warrior. However, she wasn’t yet marred by bitterness of
the world as Thorin and his soldiers were. When she looked at Thorin, her eyes
were wide with worry for his life, her compassion and kindness offsetting the
callousness she had just displayed. Thorin felt the resistance for his longing
for her that had built up inside him for the past few days crumbled.
Yes, this was his queen.
===============================================================================
The hunting party returned with commotion instead of fanfare. Kili was at the
front, leading them through the fastest shortcut back to the mountain. She
shouted for help once she was within earshot of the welcoming party. Dis, who
had been preparing for a triumphant return, quickly called healers upon seeing
Thorin’s bloodied clothes. The wound had almost stopped bleeding completely by
then, but still people fussed, even offering to carry him to his chamber
although he was perfectly capable of walking. Thorin refused their offers,
feeling very exhausted now that he had returned to safety. It’s only now that
it registered to him how taxing the hunting had been, even without the bear’s
unexpected attack. He wished to return to his chambers so that he might rest
and let the wound heal on its own, but people refused to leave him alone. If
anything, there were more people now, worriedly offering various helps he
didn’t need. Thorin was infinitely grateful when he was led to a nearby chamber
to be examined by half a dozen concerned healers—Dis deeming his chamber too
far and his injury should be seen to as soon as possible.
Thorin sighed and let the healers did as they pleased once Vilir removed his
coat and his shirt to reveal the injury. In truth the pain had lessened on the
road back to the mountain. The remaining sting wasn’t something Thorin was
unaccustomed to. Still, at the frantic urgings of the healers, he bore the
examination in silence, closing his eyes to take some much required rest before
he was finally allowed to return to his chamber. The pain when the wound was
stitched made Thorin wince, but he didn’t react otherwise. He had gone through
worse. There had been evenings in battlefields when he could scarcely stand,
when he wasn’t certain whether he would be able to fight the next day. Compared
to those dark days, this pain was nothing. Further, it provided him a
realization, saving him from making a great mistake he would forever regret.
The image of Kili in her red dress, holding her bow, came back to Thorin. The
beauty, courage, and strength were everything he had ever wanted for a consort.
Dwalin was right—Thorin had been too hasty in wanting to end the courtship. As
worried as he still was over Kili’s well-being, he was now also determined to
have her as his queen. There must be some way to ensure her well-being when
Thorin took her out of her carefree life and brought her to the stifling
adulthood earlier than he should. He couldn’t imagine how to do so yet, but
there must be a way. He must earn Kili’s approval first, of course. He had to
make sure she understood what a life with Thorin entailed. She had to know that
this courtship was but a glimpse of real life. In fact, if anything courtship
offered a distorted view of real life, tempting lovers with exciting affection
and limitless happiness when in fact marriage was rarely so easy or so joyful,
especially the marriage of a king. Kili might decline. It might be for her own
good if she did. But, Thorin didn’t want to let her go so easily anymore. He
wanted-needed her by his side and he was willing to work for it. If Kili indeed
didn’t want the life of a consort, then he could only respect her wish, but
before she made such decision, she must know that Thorin was willing to do
almost anything to have her at his side and in his life.
Finally, the healers were satisfied and allowed Thorin to return to his chamber
with a strict order to not move his shoulder and arm to much as to allow the
injury to heal. Vilir helped Thorin into his shirt, looking downcast and
terribly guilty although nothing that had transpired was his fault. Thorin
patted his arm and nodded at him to ease him from the unreasonable burdens.
Later, he would have to have a proper talk with Vilir to ensure him that Thorin
held no grudge against him, but for now he headed toward his chamber. Dwalin
stayed close behind him, quietly worried. Thorin knew his friend well enough to
know that he could do or say nothing to ease Dwalin’s mind in these situations,
so he let his condition speak for itself. He exited the chamber with no sign of
difficulty aside from a stiff arm due to his bandaged shoulder.
There was a small crowd gathering outside when Thorin stepped out of the
chamber. Dis was the first to approach him to check his injury. She frowned at
the bloodied bandage, her hand hovering as if to touch it. “How is the injury?”
she asked, turning from Thorin to the healers behind him.
“Nothing to worry about,” Thorin assured her.
But still Dis frowned in worry. “Fili told me what happened. You have my
apologies. The huntsman and the guards will be reprimanded. They should have
been more alert! This could have been prevented!”
“Indeed, it could have been,” Thorin agreed. “But I’m not too badly injured and
furthermore I owe the hunters for protecting me from further harm. Do spare
them from punishment and give my thanks to them, for I owe my life to them. I
owe Kili most of all.”
Hearing this, Dis seemed even more upset. “Oh, she has been foolish! I looked
for her all morning, but she went hunting without telling anyone. She didn’t
even carry any weapon other than her bow and quiver to join the hunt!”
It seemed that Kili and Fili had neglected to tell their mother of Kili’s
courageous action. Thorin could see why. Behind Dis, Kili stood, looking
chastised and pale despite having been outside just a while ago. The silence
was so rare that Thorin suspected Dis had given her quite an earful while he
was being treated by the healers. Beside the lass, Fili gave her a pitying look
but kept quiet. Fondness and sympathy warmed Thorin’s weary body. Kili had
committed those faults for his sake. Unwise though her actions were, Thorin
couldn’t fully blame her. She had only followed her impulsive nature, just as
he had followed his stubborn trait. If anything, Thorin should have expected
her actions. Although, he shuddered at the thought that she could have died in
the forest had her draw not been quick enough or her aim not precise enough.
“Forgive her, Dis. She has saved my life.” He looked past Dis to Kili and
smiled. “Kili,” he called her forward.
Kili obeyed without words, looking at him anxiously. Her eyes drifted to his
shoulder and she swallowed thickly. The proof of her affection tested Thorin’s
self-restrain. It took all of his power not to pull her into his embrace. He
wanted to hold her, kiss her, tell her he’s all right, apologize for being so
difficult for the past few days, beg her to give him a chance, beg her to share
with him her future. But this was not the right time. Minor as the injury was,
he still needed to recuperate and he’d much rather not have this conversation
in front of half of Ered Luin. Later, he promised himself.
“That was very courageous of you,” Thorin said, pouring everything he couldn’t
say yet into the words. “Thank you,” he said sincerely with a smile.
The sheer relief and disbelief in Kili’s expressive eyes assured Thorin that
she understood him completely. Although he wished to show her more of his
affection, he had displayed quite enough, considering they were under the
public’s watchful eyes. Thorin excused himself reluctantly and went to his
chamber to rest. The healers offered to stay in his room with him just in case
he needed their attention, but he dismissed them, feeling quite all right
beside the lingering sting. Once in his chamber, he was helped into clean
clothes before being left alone with a bottle of wine to help ease whatever
pain he still felt. Feeling that he had had rather enough of alcohol, Thorin
forewent it. He slipped into his comfortable bed and sighed loudly in
contentment. The event of the day finally fully caught up to him and within
minutes he already drifted out of awareness. A bird was singing a song
somewhere near his window when Thorin succumbed to the embrace of dreams.
When Thorin woke up again, it was already late. It was a testimony to his poor
shape that he managed to miss servants lighting several candles around his
chamber to bathe it with faint orange glow. Usually, Thorin was immediately
alert when he sensed presence near him, but not tonight. He got up from the bed
and called for his attendants, who materialized within seconds. He ordered one
of them to tidy his bed and replace the cover, which now smelt of awful herbs.
Another he allowed to fetch the healers to ensure that the wound hadn’t
worsened during his sleep. The last one he ordered to give his apology to Vilir
as Thorin wouldn’t be able to join him and his family for supper and to bring
him some light meal. Afterward, Thorin sat down on one of the chairs and
surrendered himself to the care of the worried healers. They happily reported
that his wound had begun to heal, the bleeding ceasing completely in his sleep
and leaving no infection. It didn’t surprise Thorin in the slightest but he let
them work in peace, cleaning the wound and then reapplying the bandage. He was
confident that he would fully recover within a couple of days, but he had also
seen injuries worsen overnight. It was best to listen to the healers, although
he adamantly refused their advice to not leave his bed until the wound had
completely closed.
Thorin asked to be left alone once everything was finished—his bed made and his
injury dressed. The only thing missing was his meal, which honestly had taken
far too long to prepare. Thorin eyed the bottle of wine again but shook his
head. Regardless of his high tolerance to alcohol, to indulge himself when he
was weakened and with an empty stomach was a poor decision. He did want to
refresh himself, however, and decided that he would use the bath conveniently
connected to his chamber. He wouldn’t be able to fully indulge himself as he
shouldn’t wet his bandage, but he should be able to remove the sweat and grime
that he had carried from the eventful hunt. He was rather awfully tacky, Thorin
just realized now, and a glance at a mirror confirmed that he looked almost as
bad as he felt. Thorin wasn’t a vain dwarf, but it horrified him how unkempt he
looked.
Once he located hair oil and a comb, Thorin began to undress. He winced
whenever he accidentally pulled his injured shoulder, but thankfully his wound
didn’t reopen. It would be so much easier with someone assisting him, but he
didn’t like the commotion it would no doubt cause. People seemed to have
forgotten that he had survived various battles with injuries, unnecessarily
panicking when he wasn’t fully well. Of course he understood that his position
as a king made his health ever more important, but beside his pride and lack of
care for receiving close medical attention, it was ingrained in him that he
mustn’t let anyone think him weak. So, Thorin gritted his teeth and struggled
out of his clothes. It was a relief when he finally managed to drape his shirt
onto a chair. Then, Thorin proceeded to undo his breeches, which was quite easy
to do without potentially reopening his injury.
“I’ve brought your supper!”
Thorin turned around at the familiar voice. His eyes widened and he flushed
scarlet when he saw Kili struggling to carry a tray full of food and drink to a
table. He clutched the hem of his breeches tightly, grateful that he hadn’t
managed to remove the clothing. Thorin didn’t think Kili was the type to be
scandalized by such thing as nudity but it was still very inappropriate to
reveal himself to her, even accidentally.
“Kili, what are you doing here?” he demanded, trying to sound composed although
he was anything but.
Kili safely set the tray and its contents on a table before turning to Thorin
with a grin. “I’ve told you I’m here to...”
Her words were lost the second she laid eyes on Thorin. Her eyes widened
slightly as he took in the sight before her and she started to approach him,
making Thorin tense up in alarm. His first thought was to tell her to stay away
but he didn’t want to repeat the mistake he had just barely fixed. No, he
refused to raise his voice to her again. She had seen enough of his temper.
Now, Thorin could only hope she remembered herself before she committed a
mistake. He raised his hand before him, hoping it would stop Kili or at least
put some distance between them.
“Kili, don’t...”
Kili stopped in front of Thorin, but didn’t pay attention to him. Thorin grew
even tenser when she brought her hand up to reach out to him. Unwittingly, his
body reacted with longing. He had been deprived of her company for too long and
the realization he had today made it impossible for him to not yearn. The
privacy, once sought, was now truly dreaded. Thorin was painfully aware that
his bed was only a few steps away, the door was closed, and no one would dare
to enter the chamber without his biding. However, he wasn’t so blinded by
passion that he forgot what he must and mustn’t do. He was considering seizing
her hand or fleeing somewhere to avoid the temptation when she gingerly touched
one of the many scars littering his body. Thorin paused, surprised.
Thorin had never given them much thought. The injuries were healed and they
were hidden beneath his clothes. There were many warriors who still suffered
some pain even decades after they received their wounds. Thorin considered
himself lucky that he only experienced the slightest twinge of pain in the
height of winter. The fact that they were usually covered also helped him avoid
a severe image his father had had, making it easier to win over those who were
less used to occasionally dangerous lives of dwarfs. In fact most of the time,
Thorin forgot he had them. Therefore, he didn’t expect Kili to be so transfixed
by the scars. She didn’t seem repulsed by the sight, but the intensity of her
gaze made him self-conscious. Most of the time, scars were considered a sign of
strength and courage, but that didn’t mean they were always admired or
considered attractive. Some old wounds made people look away either out of
politeness or disgust, while others made people stare and point as if the
bearer were a piece of exhibition not deserving of common courtesy and respect.
The scrutiny Thorin received made him wonder which category he fell into
unknowingly. Surely Kili had seen something similar or even worse?
“I didn’t know…” Kili began, tracing one of the larger scars on Thorin’s chest.
“Oh, Thorin,” she sighed in distress.
Tension left Thorin’s body with a soft exhale. “Not many people do,” Thorin
explained, calmer now after he realized Kili neither had any intention of being
intimate with him or criticizing his appearance.
Kili frowned unhappily. “I thought you were only slightly injured. People say
you led your soldiers to face your enemies every day in battles and returned to
Erebor an undefeatable warrior prince. I thought you were all right.”
“I was all right. I still am,” Thorin assured her, smiling.
At this, Kili’s eyes drifted to Thorin’s bandaged shoulder. She brushed her
fingers against it very lightly, as if afraid to cause him pain. “I should have
shot the bear sooner,” she said regretfully.
“I’m all right. The healers said it will heal in a couple of days. You don’t
have to worry.”
Kili huffed. “I can’t do anything about your past injuries, but I was there
with my bow and arrows. I could have prevented this! I should’ve done something
to safe you!”
In the many decades of Thorin’s life, he had never seen anyone cared as
fiercely as Kili did. Dwarfs were naturally protective of those they loved, but
they tended to hide their emotions—and especially affection!—behind austerity
or any other masking expression. After all, as the race that had had so much
stolen from them, they knew better than anyone how love could be used to hurt.
Kili, however, seemed to have no such worry, displaying her thoughts and
feelings openly. How many times Thorin had heard her speak fondly of her
family, her friends, her garden, her city, her passion, and many other things
that shared a space in her expansive heart? Once she loved, she loved fully and
completely without fear or shame. And lucky were those she loved for she would
willingly stand between them and death, as he had witnessed with his very own
eyes today. Thorin couldn’t think of a better dwarf for a queen consort. He
couldn’t think of a better dwarf to share his heart and life with.
Thorin held Kili’s exploring hand gently. “Have a seat. I have something to
tell you,” he said with a smile.
Hesitantly, Kili withdrew her hand and stepped back, allowing Thorin to hide
behind a partition. Unfortunately, he had left his shirt on the chair and even
if he hadn’t, he wasn’t in a state to wear it on his own (asking for Kili’s
help was clearly out of question!). Thankfully, he found a robe, which he
quickly but carefully put on to provide some modesty. This moment was far from
ideal and he was wholly unprepared, but he couldn’t bear to wait, especially
after the care Kili had just shown him. Thorin had to tell her now. If she
wished to think of it for a while, then he wouldn’t mind, but he was compelled
to confess to her his conflicting thoughts right now.
When Thorin emerged from behind the partition, Kili was sitting at the edge of
a divan. She looked at him closely when he sat down beside her. Her twitching
fingers seemed to indicate that she wanted to examine his scars again, but she
held back. Thorin wanted to hold her hands—ached to do so, in fact, but decided
against it. He needed to explain himself before making such affectionate
gesture. He felt he hadn’t earned it, especially after his cold treatment for
the past few days. If Kili still wants his affection after hearing everything,
then and only then would he feel at ease with showing her the depth of his
feelings.
“Your scars,” Kili began before Thorin could say a word. She frowned deeply in
consternation at his now-covered body. “There are so many of them. I saw even
more on your back when you turned around.”
“I have been to a number of battles. I don’t always return unwounded, although
I understand it’s often reported otherwise,” Thorin explained.
“Why?”
“I can’t have anyone think me weakened. Many would view such news as an
invitation to attack Erebor or myself.”
This further explanation didn’t please Kili the slightest, but she was smart
enough to understand the wisdom in the secrecy. “Do they still hurt? Some of
them look quite deep,” she asked instead.
As usual, Thorin first thought of lying, but he reconsidered. No, tonight was a
night of truth. “Some do in winter. It’s quite cold in Erebor in the season.
But, I assure you there is no need to worry.” He paused, smiling. “Although, I
must admit I’m rather pleased to see that you still care for me, even going so
far as to risk yourself to protect me.”
“Of course I care for you!” Kili exclaimed in dismay.
The confirmation encouraged Thorin. He allowed himself to relax slightly and
continued, “I didn’t expect you to, especially after how terribly I’ve treated
you in the past few days.”
“It’s doesn’t matter,” Kili said with some hesitation. The question in her eyes
showed that she didn’t fully understand. How could she understand when Thorin
had simply pulled away and told her to not come near him after kissing her so
passionately?
“I owe you an apology and an explanation,” Thorin began, drawing Kili’s rapt
attention. He took a deep breath. For so long he had kept his thoughts mostly
quiet, revealing them only to chosen few. It wasn’t easy to reveal himself, to
show that he wasn’t the untouchable King under the Mountain everyone heralded,
but merely a mortal dwarf. He had his shares of scars and flaws that he had
been taught to never show. Sitting here, about to confess his secrets, he felt
vulnerable. But then Thorin looked at Kili and remembered that this was the
dwarf who jumped between him and death, the dwarf who wished him happiness, the
dwarf who insisted he find contentment in life, the dwarf who held his future
happiness. Kili would never hurt him. He was safe in her hands. Thorin gathered
his courage and spoke, “have you ever heard of my mother?”
Kili blinked, not expecting the question. “I know she passed away when you were
young, but nothing more,” she replied.
Thorin nodded. “Indeed records of my mother barely exist, for she was a
princess for only a few short years. She married my father when she was very
young—a little younger than you, in fact. Quite immediately she fell pregnant
and, for that brief time, she and my father were very happy. However, pregnancy
is difficult, especially for someone as young as she. She managed to carry me
to term but bringing me to this world taxed her greatly. She never fully
recovered and grew very sickly. Two years after my birth, she passed away.”
“Oh,” Kili breathed. “I’m very sorry.”
Thorin smiled slightly. “I barely have any memory of her. What I remember of
our time together is mostly told to me by others. But, I do keep her in my
mind. When Balin, my advisor, proposed the idea of marrying you, I was reminded
of her. I immediately refused because even though I didn’t know you then, I
couldn’t let such a sad fate befall you.” Thorin grimaced as he started to
recount his change of mind that led to his mistake. “That remained my chief
concern while you were in Erebor. I kept resisting until I saw your view of the
world and your care for me, and then I couldn’t resist courting you. Still,
even afterward I had my worries, but I forgot them when I arrived here. I was
too excited to see you again, too happy to have you approve my courtship, that
I forgot myself. That day in the garden, I remembered how easily I could harm
you, physically and otherwise. I couldn’t let you come near me because I was
afraid of how much more damage I could do. I couldn’t trust myself with you.”
Realization dawned on Kili. “So that’s why you avoided me. I was sure I
offended you.”
“It is I who should be worried of having made offense. I should have had better
control of myself,” Thorin denied, shaking his head.
Kili huffed lightly, slight blush reddening her face. “I assure you that you
have not. I didn’t mind,” she said, affecting confidence although it was clear
the subject embarrassed her.
Thorin frowned. “I was wrong to act as I did. Although you approved of it, the
way I treated you was unacceptable. I’m ashamed to admit I only thought of
myself and very little of you. I thought and pursued only what I wanted with no
regard of your opinion, or worse, what people will think of you.” He sighed.
“It was very fortunate that we were interrupted and that nobody saw us. People
wouldn’t be kind to you, even though it was entirely my fault.”
Kili mulled over this and slowly nodded. “No, they wouldn’t be,” she agreed,
finally understanding the position Thorin had almost put her in.
Thorin looked at her in regret. As much as he tried to protect her from any
harm, there was only so much he could do. Shielding her from the cruel words
and treatments of others was sadly beyond his capability. He could try, but it
would only hurt her more, considering who he was. Truly, he had damned her with
his lapse of control. Yet, despite the risk he had and could put her into,
Thorin wanted her still. His thought was unchanged from earlier in the day at
the end of the disastrous hunt: He wanted Kili to be his consort. But this
wasn’t only about what he wanted or even about the risks ahead of them. Kili’s
thoughts and feelings were also greatly important. Dwalin was correct in
reminding him that that it wasn’t fair to only take himself into account in
this courtship. But first, Thorin must make sure that Kili fully understood the
life she could have with him.
“And this brings us to today. Before this, I was sure I must end my courtship
to protect you from further harm in my hands, but during the hunt today I
realized that I can’t do that. I want you beside me, sharing my life with me,
ruling Erebor with me,” he confessed clearly and plainly, forcefully ignoring
the instinctive embarrassment that came with speaking about his feelings.
The resulting look of surprise on Kili’s face heartened him. He had never seen
her this way before, clearly at a loss of word, not precisely happy but not
upset either. She appeared quite simply in disbelief of what he had just said.
It was understandable as they had reconciled just now and this was barely the
appropriate situation for a confession of such magnitude. In truth, Kili had
every right to be displeased and demand proper conversation between them in a
place and time that agreed more with manners and decorum. However, she remained
silent, only staring at Thorin without a hint of anger. Thorin decided to take
this as permission and went on.
“But first you must know what this entails. My fear of hurting you is not my
only concern. Being with my consort means leaving behind many things you so
love. It means constraints, for there is a certain way to behave in my court.
It means duties, for there is a great deal of things expected from you. It
means responsibility, for there are thousands whose livelihoods are easily
affected by you. I can give you voice, I can make you be heard, but some things
I have to take away from you—your freedom, your carefreeness, your youth…”
Thorin drifted off, realizing as he uttered them the weight of his request to
her. However, those were true and she deserved to know them, so he continued.
“In private, I will never ask for anything more than for you to be who you are,
but in public there will be so many things demanded of you. I ask you to
consider these before we go any further.”
They were silent, Kili staring at her hands on her lap and Thorin looking at
her. Nervousness began to fill Thorin the longer she didn’t speak. Still, he
allowed her to think for as long as she liked. What he offered her was a great
change from her current life. He was used to such lifestyle, but he could tell
that Kili wasn’t. He couldn’t let her make rash decisions without knowing
exactly the consequences. He wished he could promise her endless happiness and
a life in dream, but that would be a lie. Many thought the lives of kings and
queens were easy and full of joy, but that wasn’t always the case and Thorin
wanted nothing more than whatever made Kili happy. So, Thorin waited
apprehensively for Kili to reach her verdict. They had been overwhelmed by
bliss for the better part of this summer, but now they had to consider their
future seriously.
Finally, after a long moment of silence, Kili spoke up. “When I came of age a
few years ago, my mother reminded me of my obligations. She told me I’m no
longer a child and so must start thinking and behaving like an adult. My
parents then searched for an appropriate husband for me. In fact I have been
introduced to some young lords. If you hadn’t invited us to Erebor, I would
have been married by now.”
Jealousy and relief enveloped Thorin at once. Jealousy because he couldn’t
stand thinking Kili with someone else and relief because he had apparently met
her at the right time. What if he had delayed inviting her? What if he had been
too late entirely and never met her? What if he had met her after she married?
Only a year ago Thorin would say he wouldn’t be affected for he had lived most
of his life alone. But now he couldn’t imagine not knowing the lovely dwarf he
had come to adore. So many things would’ve been different for himself and
others, and not necessarily for good. Thorin had been truly and utterly lucky.
However, it was yet unknown how far his luck would follow him.
“I know I can’t remain the way I am. While it would be a lie to say I don’t
mind, I know what is expected of me,” Kili said, lips set in a determined but
bitter line.
Thorin frowned and leaned toward her. “Think nothing of what people expect from
you. This is not a matter of obligation to others. I won’t force you to do
anything you don’t want to do,” he asserted.
Kili looked at him in doubt. “I don’t think those are all you expect from me,
but how do you think I will fare in meeting them?”
Thorin thought of this carefully. “I think people will like you, just as people
of Ered Luin love you. As for your duties, you will have help, just as I have
my advisors. I believe you will learn over time to not need them as much. As
for personal matters… I can’t tell. For one, only you know whether you’ll grow
accustomed to a life where you have little to no chance of using your battle
skills.”
“Even though I’ve proven myself capable?” Kili asked, cracking a small half-
joking smile.
“After today, I don’t believe I can bring you anywhere near danger,” Thorin
admitted grimly, remembering how close the bear had come to Kili.
“But you saw how I killed the bear! Just ask Fili. He knows I am equal in skill
to many of our soldiers! I can protect myself!” Kili protested.
Despite knowing that this argument was forthcoming, Thorin was still unprepared
for a reply that would satisfy her. What was there to say other than he
couldn’t even bear to think of putting her at risk? She was right to think him
unfair if he still rejected the idea after witnessing her archery skill. “Is it
important for you to be able to fight?” he asked.
“Of course!” Kili answered readily. “I’m a dwarf. I’m raised to protect those I
hold dear! You have gone to battles many times to protect your people and your
home. Surely you understand!”
“I do,” Thorin admitted, thinking of Erebor. Indeed dwarfs were protective of
things and people they loved. He and other warriors hadn’t hesitated to go to
war when their home was under threat. Even when hope for victory seemed dim,
they had still fought. Kili might not have faced such circumstance, but it was
completely understandable that she wished to be prepared for it and to be
allowed if the time came when she had to defend others. It was an admirable
thought, but still Thorin hesitated. “But, just as you want to protect those
you hold close to your heart, I want to protect you. If there’s anything I can
do to keep you away from risk of harm, I can’t not do it. I simply can’t stand
seeing you hurt, either by others or myself.”
Kili scoffed. “You will never hurt me!” she said confidently.
“I might if I’m not careful enough.” Thorin cleared his throat as he remembered
his dreams. Frightening though they were, some parts of them were undeniably
titillating. “You are very young still and what I desire from you…” he let his
words hang in the air, unable to go on without being too inappropriate for his
conscience.
Kili’s face reddened. It seemed that despite knowing raunchy songs and having
been to taverns of questionable reputation, she was still innocent in passion
of the flesh. Thorin shifted uncomfortably. He had been admittedly quite vulgar
with some of his past lovers, but they were experienced while Kili perhaps had
only grasped the basic idea of intimacy. It was yet another reminder that he
must be careful. There were so many ways he could hurt Kili if he wasn’t.
Not wanting to discuss the subject, he quickly moved on. “As a king, I will
expect a great many things from you, some of which you won’t like and I can’t
help. I also can’t guarantee that I will not hurt you in some way. You have
seen my temper and my responsibilities. You must know now that I’m not always
easy to be with. However, I want you to know that as I have dedicated myself to
my duties to our people, I am prepared to dedicate myself to you.” Thorin
looked at Kili closely, making sure that she knew he meant every word he had
just said. “And now that you know this, I hand the decision to you. Whether you
reject me, accept me, wish me to wait for however many years, or anything else,
I will accept it without question.”
Thorin’s heart pounded in his chest as he waited for Kili’s answer. He had said
all there was to be said. He had been as honest as he could be with all things
that would entail their union. Now, he could only hope Kili would entrust him
with her heart and life. A part of Thorin wished this was easy. Oh, how envious
he was of couples who had to mostly think of themselves and little of what
others thought of and wanted from them. So easily these people chose marriage,
the promise of togetherness enough to bring them to the decision. It was not
the case at all with Thorin and Kili. Changes indeed happened after this great
decision, but people generally didn’t face what Kili would have to face. If
only Kili only had to decide whether she found Thorin agreeable or not, but he
couldn’t bring himself to regret the life he was born into. Despite the
hardships, he was grateful for the kindness and loyalty of his people and the
wealth and beauty of his home. He was very fortunate, but this good fortune
came with a price of a predetermined course of life and heavy responsibility,
not only to himself but to others near him. Now he hoped he could share both
hardships and happiness in his life with Kili.
After a lengthy silence in which Thorin was so filled with nervousness he could
scarcely breathe, Kili spoke. “I don’t obey orders very well, especially
quietly. I’m often carried away by my emotions and Mother often says my good
intentions often have disastrous results. You have seen that today.” She
shrugged rather sheepishly. “I have tried and didn’t do very well. I highly
doubt I can be the perfect lady the way mother is, the way Erebor wants me to
be.” Kili looked at him regretfully. “My grandfather also once told me I would
fit more among your people rather than your court. I agree with him. Just as I
can’t change the circumstances of my birth, I can’t change my nature. I will
never quite fit into the role expected of me.”
Thorin’s heart sank. He felt weak and faint. Swallowing thickly, he dug his
fingers into the edge of the divan to ground himself. He had said he would
respect Kili’s decision; he would honor that promise even if his heart was
shredded to pieces. “I understand,” Thorin said quietly. He tried to smile to
show Kili that he truly meant his words, but he failed to feign acceptance. So,
he ducked his head, hoping to at least shield her from the guilt of causing him
pain.
“You offer help and companionship, but I also need tremendous patience and
understanding, as I will make many mistakes in trying to be the dwarf Erebor
expects and deserves. I also need you to not expect me to always obey you
without thoughts, since I have my own that may sometimes conflict yours. If
you’re willing to provide these for me, then just as you promise to dedicate
yourself to me, I will dedicate myself to you and Erebor,” Kili said firmly.
Thorin looked up in surprise. He was certain he had heard wrong. However, when
he looked into Kili’s eyes, he saw that she was entirely serious, waiting for
his reply. He straightened his back as hope flooded into him so rapidly he felt
a little disoriented. “Of course!”
Kili started to smile. “As for your other concern, I’m obviously inexperienced.
Is there really no way to avoid hurting me?”
“There is,” Thorin admitted, wishing he could forego this conversation but
understanding that it was important for Kili. “I shall have to strictly control
myself, take my time and… prepare you.”
“Prepare me?” Kili wondered, tilting her head in confusion.
Thorin was sure his face was aflame. He felt discomfited having to explain this
matter and rather wished Kili would ask her mother instead. But, he supposed
that by saying this himself instead of relaying it through someone, he could
better express his intention and desperate fear of harming Kili instead of
having her guessing his feelings again. “With my fingers. To help you… relax
and ready,” he explained, hoping that Kili would understand without him
detailing what precisely he would do with his fingers. Or tongue, his mind
unhelpfully supplied. Thorin shifted to hide the arousal resulted from
imagining himself burying his face between Kili’s thighs to lick her to
softness.
“Oh.” Kili’s face reddened in realization, eyes drifting to Thorin’s fingers.
“But it is possible?” she pressed.
“I suppose it is impossible to completely remove the pain–you are very young
and furthermore untried. However, I can ease some of it, if I’m very careful.”
He paused. “Patience doesn’t come to me naturally, but if that’s what you
want–and there are many other things I’ll be just as happy to do!–I will
exercise it.”
Kili corrected him, “You aren’t the only one struggling with patience. I must
admit I’m very curious.”
“Of pain?” Thorin asked warily.
“Of sex and pleasure,” Kili replied bluntly. She frowned. “I assume there will
be pleasure. Or will it be too much pain because I’m not old enough?”
“There will be pleasure,” Thorin confirmed. “As for how much, I honestly don’t
know.” Thorin had never lain with anyone as young as Kili and now he had no
interest in anyone but her. “But I think if I’m very careful, it should dampen
your discomfort considerably. As I’ve mentioned, I will do what I can to reduce
your pain and I will definitely do anything to not harm you. And I don’t only
refer to the obvious, but also the consequence of it. You must take that into
consideration as well.”
Kili thought of this for a moment. “Patience is a virtue worthy of exercising.
And... I don’t think you want to know how I heard of it, but isn’t there some
sort of herb to prevent pregnancy?”
Thorin laughed, imagining Kili listening with wide eyes to brash ladies in
taverns as they told her raunchy hedonistic stories her parents tried to shield
her from. “Indeed. It has been brought to my attention that it could be a
solution. Do you approve of the suggestion?” he asked.
“I’m not so keen on being a parent so soon. Mother did well, but she’s wiser
than I am,” Kili explained, shrugging.
“You are not as thoughtless as you think,” Thorin comforted her gently, earning
himself a happy smile. Relief filled him. He didn’t know what to do if, as some
dwarfs desired, Kili wanted motherhood soon after their wedding. He hated to
deny her anything, but it would be for her own good to wait until her body
properly matured to carry a child. “I have no qualm about that. In fact it is
preferable for me if you wait until the healers deem you ready for motherhood,
which I predict will not be for at least a few years. In the meantime, I will
do my best to behave around you.”
Kili seemed torn between protesting and agreeing, but finally settled on
nodding bashfully. Thorin wanted to tease her, to make her laugh and blush, but
he held back. After all, he did just say he would behave himself. There would
be plenty of opportunities, perhaps not soon, but in the future. Thorin vowed
to make Kili smile and laugh as often as he could as he taught her the
knowledge he had accumulated in all his years. And when her face was flushed
with joy, he would kiss her pink cheeks and make her smile and laugh even more,
as he so wished to do now. But that’s for much later, now he had one important
matter to clarify.
“Does this mean you would have my hand in marriage?” he asked hopefully, his
heart fluttering in his chest like a caged bird despite the conversation they
had just had.
Kili’s eyes sparkled happily as she answered, “Yes.”
Love and joy filling him to the brim, Thorin brought Kili’s hand to his lips.
He kissed it reverently, pouring his devotion for her into the action. Lifting
his head, he saw that she was looking at him with a bright smile that he
couldn’t not return. Thorin cupped the back of Kili’s head and pulled her close
to bestow a lingering kiss upon her forehead. Her hair was silky under his
hand, her skin soft under his lips, her love fragile and warm in his grip. She
sighed quietly in contentment, warm breath tickling Thorin’s neck. Instead of
passion being ignited inside him, he felt infinite, all-encompassing affection.
This kiss—their third—chaste though it was, felt more intimate than their
previous ones. Without curiosity or lust in the way, Thorin conveyed his love
for Kili. He pulled away to look at her properly. Kili was looking at him with
gentleness and adoration he had never seen and he was sure he was looking at
her the same way. How he came to the good fortune of possessing her heart, he
would never know, but he swore to the lonely peak of his home that he would
never take it for granted.
If he could, he would spend all night talking to her, kissing her and holding
her hand, but he couldn’t. He still hadn’t fully recovered and Kili would no
doubt have people searching for her if she disappeared too long. Reluctantly,
Thorin pulled away. “Go now before people look for you. We will speak again in
the morning and then we will tell your parents.”
“Hardly anyone knows I’m here,” Kili protested. Nevertheless, she nodded.
Although clearly unhappy to have to go, the promise of tomorrow appeased her.
Thorin held her hand as they both stood up. Briefly, his eyes drifted to her
lips, but he successfully resisted the urge to kiss her. He didn’t release her
hand as she walked to the door from which she came, until the last possible
moment. Even after that, he couldn’t stop looking at her. When Kili looked back
just before she left, Thorin was almost certain his heart would burst with how
much love he felt.
Eventually, no matter how long they lingered, Thorin found himself alone in his
chamber again. He sighed, missing her presence already. It was silly, but then
Kili had just agreed to marry him. After so many months of doubting, worrying,
and longing, he was almost fully content, knowing that Kili loved him in
return. There were the daunting tasks of announcing the news and then preparing
the wedding, but Thorin wasn’t worried. In fact, in some ways he was excited.
These would make things more real and not just vestiges of a particularly happy
dream. Thorin turned to his writing table, childishly impatient to report the
development to Balin in Erebor. Betrothed but not for politics, he would say,
they were betrothed for love. Stifling the urge but not the smile the thought
produced, Thorin went to the adjoined bath to refresh himself, all the while,
thinking of Kili. He couldn’t wait for tomorrow.
===============================================================================
Ignoring his half-healed injury, Thorin made good of his words and requested a
moment of privacy with Kili. Having had said everything to be said the previous
night, they merely reaffirmed their commitment to each other. Once again,
Thorin kissed Kili’s hand and forehead. But, this time, Kili, too, lifted his
hand to her lips and kissed his knuckles in a sign of devotion. The lovers
gazed at each other before searching for Vilir and Dis. Although he was certain
anyone who saw his and Kili’s face knew precisely what had happened, he still
informed Kili’s parents of the good news.
They weren’t surprised. If anything, Dis hinted (rather smugly) that she had
thought this would happen since last night, an insinuation which brought great
embarrassment to both Thorin and Kili. They were silently grateful when Dis
decided not to pursue the topic in favor of hugging them. If Vilir noticed what
Dis hinted, he didn’t show it. He received the news with the sort of quiet
excitement Thorin had come to expect from him. He wasn’t surprised, seeing this
as a natural consequence of Thorin’s courtship, regardless of the recent
quarrel between him and Kili. Only Fili seemed mildly taken off guard, looking
at his sister and Thorin in turn thoughtfully. It was understandable,
considering how unusual of pairing they were and the tension that had engulfed
them just the day before. Nevertheless, they were all happy for Thorin and
Kili. Vilir and Dis could barely stop saying how fortunate Kili was, but Thorin
thought differently. It was he who was fortunate, for somehow Kili found him
desirable when others found his company difficult. If not for her gentle heart
and determination, he would no doubt live the rest of his days alone, a thought
which now brought him fearful shudders though he hadn’t minded it before. As if
sensing this, Kili leaned close to him. With just this small action, Thorin was
reminded that he would be alone no more. He would be loved forevermore.
A raven carrying a message of the engagement was swiftly dispatched to Erebor
and within a couple of days announcements were made in both Erebor and Ered
Luin that the King under the Mountain was to wed Kili of Ered Luin, daughter of
Vilir. Although Thorin wasn’t personally present for the announcement, he could
see from the mountain that banners were being flown. Later that night, the
whole of Ered Luin seemed to be enveloped by dots of light as the dwarfs
celebrated the betrothal. Thorin expected Kili to want to join the celebrations
but she seemed content spending time with her family and Thorin away from the
commotion. She did perform several party songs with Fili for their
entertainment, but nothing more. They spent most of the night drinking wine and
talking. It was a little foreign for Thorin who was used to his own company
even when his grandfather and father were still with him. His closest relative,
Dain, visited him rarely and so did his closest friends. However, Vilir and Dis
were as friendly as they had always been, if not more since he was almost their
son-in-law, and he immediately felt at ease. The nature of their relationship
would change but Thorin was confident he would still be able to call them his
good friends. He smiled to himself, imagining how pleased Balin must be that he
doubled the strength of his grip over Ered Luin. As for Thorin himself, the
thoughts of politics was at the back of his mind now. It was the only place for
them to be with his new family around him and his beloved beside him.
After the initial celebration, of course planning occurred. The first order of
business was the amount of dowry to be given by Vilir for his daughter. They
had set aside an amount of wealth for her and now looked nervously to Thorin
for approval. Parents usually only provided what they could, but an
insufficient amount would be an embarrassment for them. Yet, even the whole
wealth of Ered Luin paled in comparison with what Thorin had and they worried
that Kili would be viewed as an ill match for him. Personally, Thorin felt
there was no better match for him, but he understood Vilir and Dis’s concern. A
long discussion commenced and finally Thorin settled for one small chest of
mithril, one large chest of laces made of gold and silver threads, a vast
collection of jewelries, and a handful of dresses made of only the best
materials. This was meager for Thorin but a respectable amount for a lord of
Vilir’s caliber. Already, the amount of mithril he requested would tax their
resources. As far as he knew, only a few pieces of jewelries made of mithril
were usually given as dowry by dwarf lords, who usually preferred to give land,
gold, and houses. Vilir was one of the wealthiest dwarf lords in Middle Earth,
but one small chest of the supremely valuable metal wouldn’t be easy for him to
procure. He agreed to it, however, determined to not give his family cause for
humiliation. Having become familiar with the richness of Ered Luin and Vilir’s
very capable managing of it, Thorin was quite sure he would be able to produce
the dowry in time for the wedding.
As for the wedding, Thorin had but little input to the process and relegated
the task to Kili and Dis after announcing that he would spare no expense for
the nuptial. He focused on preparing for Kili’s permanent move to Erebor the
summer after the next. The queen’s chamber had been too long abandoned, he
feared. Restoration was needed, as well as additions of Kili’s personal
touches. Similarly, he planned to change Erebor itself to suit both of them
rather than just himself. He consulted Kili frequently to ensure that
everything would be as she desired when she arrived. Quite unsurprisingly, Kili
found these discussions far more enjoyable than preparing for their wedding,
which she repeatedly claimed to be dull. Thorin always laughed as he urged her
away to much protest. He assured her that the preparation would not last very
long. As soon as they managed to have all the required information, Kili would
be left alone for the most part, except to make sure that all was as she
wanted. Thorin only guffawed when she suggested they eloped to avoid the tedium
and scandalize the whole of Middle Earth.
No elopement happened no matter how sweetly Kili begged. Ravens flew back and
forth almost ceaselessly between Erebor and Ered Luin, carrying messages from
both sides of the world. Having gone so long without a queen consort and a
wedding, everyone seemed determined to hold the grandest celebration in
history. Everyone but the couple, that was. They were often found slipping away
when no longer required. For once, Thorin found it easy for him to not draw
much attention. It was Kili who was constantly demanded and often she had only
gone but a few steps away to escape before being pulled back to give more
input. Ever the besotted lover, Thorin accompanied her when he could, partly
because he always enjoyed her company and also because of some mischievous glee
in watching her desperately attempting to flee.
“You are such a horrible dwarf,” she whispered sulkily as she sat down heavily
beside Thorin. It would normally earn her a scolding from Dis, but she was busy
discussing the decoration of the wedding with her handmaidens.
“How so?” Thorin asked, smiling widely.
Kili glared at him balefully. “There I was, being mauled before your eyes, and
you just sat back and did nothing!”
Thorin held back his laughter. “Let it not be said that I don’t believe in your
ability in defending yourself from dangers.”
Thorin almost regretted saying this. Though they had reached an agreement
regarding their marriage, they still hadn’t decided Kili’s future role in
battles. Thorin was determined to keep her safe from harm, but she insisted
that she was perfectly capable of protecting herself. This matter was
temporarily set aside while they prepared their wedding, but Thorin knew they
had to settle the matter at one point or another. It wasn’t an easy
conversation as compromised would be difficult to achieve, their stubbornness
not allowing them to give in easily. Thorin hated causing Kili discontent, but
that was unfortunately how the discussion went.
They stared at each other—Kili in annoyance and Thorin in wary amusement—before
both breaking into a laugh. Thorin hid this and his relief for being spared
from yet another argument by slowly drinking from a goblet until the laughter
passed, but Kili had less restraint, her shoulders shook as she stifled her
mirth. She truly was an open book. Thorin marveled at her fondly from above the
brim of his goblet. He was so used to secrecy that he was almost astonished by
how unguarded Kili was. Had she no fear of the consequences of truth or did she
simply not care at all? It’s most likely a combination of both, Thorin decided.
Youthful confidence often fooled one into thinking they’re untouchable. It’s an
erroneous view, of course, as Thorin knew too well. Once again, protectiveness
reared its ugly head within him, but he pointedly ignored it. Thorin set his
goblet down and turned to quietly study Kili, who was now watching her mother.
He thought that openly showing emotion as a flaw to hide and to be ashamed of,
but to Kili it was a charm and strength to be proudly displayed. This deeply
ingrained way of thinking was difficult for him to change. Even now that he was
certain of Kili’s devotion to him, he was still very cautious in expressing his
affection to her.
“I have been thinking lately,” Kili said quietly without looking at Thorin.
“About how you have to be careful as to not hurt me.”
“Oh. You don’t have to worry…” Thorin stopped when Kili interrupted him by
placing her hand on his knee.
“I’m wondering how it will feel to have you, how many fingers it will take to
have me ready for you,” she continued. “Is one finger enough?”
Thorin’s eyes widened. “Kili…” he choked out softly.
But, Kili ignored him, biting her lip thoughtfully. “No, it must not be.
Perhaps two fingers?” she wondered, caressing Thorin’s knee lightly.
Thorin’s gaze was drawn to Kili’s hand, and particularly her fingers. He
exhaled quietly as he imagined her on her bed, her hand between her spread
legs, trying to emulate him. He knew from their kiss in the garden that she was
sensitive, so it was easy to picture her arching her back as the pads of her
fingers found the right spots to touch. Oh, Kili would moan exquisitely,
pleading and demanding in turn. His name. She should call his name, imagining
him with her, caressing her soft folds and spearing her untouched femininity
with his desire. Thorin’s cock twitched to life as he imagined the sight she
would present. Her flushed skin would be dotted by sweats as she explored her
body, slender digits plucking a pink nipple and sliding into soft wet heat. She
would try, arching her back while grinding her clit against the heel of her
hand and eagerly pushing herself onto her fingers, but they would never reach
as far as Thorin would. There would be an aching emptiness inside her that she
couldn’t fill. How would she sound crying out his name in frustration? Thorin
took an unsteady breath, thinking of slickness dripping from her as she only
teased herself further in effort of imitating him.
“Three fingers?” Kili asked breathily. The flush on her cheeks showed that she
was thinking of the same as Thorin did.
“No,” Thorin said gruffly, putting his hand beside hers.
Kili glanced down and gasped quietly as she noticed the difference in the sizes
of their hands. Whereas her fingers were relatively slender, Thorin’s digits
were thick and long. They would open her up more than she ever could on her
own. “Oh, Thorin,” she moaned quietly.
Now the image of Kili on her bed was replaced by an image of them both on the
bed. Thorin nearly groaned as he pictured himself keeping Kili’s legs spread
and raised with a hand on her smooth thigh, while the other hand teased her
unexplored core. He would make her tremble and beg—he knew well how to with
fingertip lightly tracing enticing opening and agile tongue licking away
copious amount of juice. He would have her slick without pushing a finger in
and then, when she was shaking with needs, he would slowly push his fingers
into her, parting slick muscles, opening her for him. It wouldn’t be easy. She
would be too tight for such intrusion, clenching tight around his finger, but
he would distract her with his mouth or the rest of his fingers—no, his mouth.
Definitely his mouth. He would kiss and lick her sensitive nub while quirking
his finger to look for the place that made her moan beautifully, making her
writhe and beg and draw his thick fingers deeper inside her hungrily. And when
he finally found that place with his fingertips, she would rock her hips
eagerly, riding his hand as she would his erection. He would indulge her,
fingers and face buried between her trembling thighs while she held the back of
his head with one hand to keep him in place. Thorin’s cock throbbed as he
imagined bringing Kili to her peak with mouth and fingers and then licking her
slickness clean, only to make her produce more as he brought her to yet another
pinnacle of pleasure. She would whine at first, but she wouldn’t be able to
resist pleasure for too long, soon enough pushing against his fingers and
tongue until she came again. He would do so over and over until the sheet was
soaked through, until she trembled and was delightfully pliant. And then he
would crawl over her and…
“Please,” Kili pleaded, looking at him with wide glazed eyes.
Did she know what she’s asking for? Thorin could show her. He wanted nothing
more than to show her. Her lips were only few inches away. He could lean in to
kiss her to try to calm the needs, although it would likely only make the
passion burnt brighter. Thorin wanted a repeat of their kiss in the garden—his
hands on her yielding body and her legs parting to admit him between them. But
he couldn’t. Not yet. Kili would be his in not too long and he wouldn’t have to
refrain so much from kissing and touching her and showing her how much she was
desired, but for now he had to wait.
Thorin clenched his hand in an effort to control himself. “We must behave,” he
said with difficulty. He looked away as to not tempt himself, but it was a near
impossible feat after seeing how much Kili wanted him. Subtly, Thorin shifted
his leg to give space to his straining cock. Did she know what she did to him?
Thorin doubted it and the thought of letting her know was difficult to resist.
“I don’t like behaving,” Kili muttered, still breathy.
Oh, the thought those words put in Thorin’s imaginative mind. He thought of his
less conventional inclinations and how he could introduce Kili to them. An
image of Kili bound to his bed, whimpering and moaning for his touch,
completely and utterly at his mercy, crossed his mind. He would tease her,
bringing her so close to ecstasy and then stopping before she reaches it, over
and over again. He’ll make her beg with just the lightest touch of his finger
on her flushed slit or the gentlest brush of his lips on her nub. When he
finally let her come, she would strain against her bonds, screwing herself
deeply on Thorin’s cock, dragging him over the edge along with her. Thorin
closed his eyes tightly as his erection hardened even more in his breeches. Any
more of these accidental seduction and he feared he would do something that
would shame Kili.
“We have promised to be patient,” he reminded her, his voice deep and rough.
“I know, but I can’t stop thinking about it,” she replied in a breathless
whine.
Kili’s curious mind would be the end of him. Thorin realized then that he would
have to exercise patience not only for their wedding night, but the many nights
that followed. He could not expect her to be a passive pupil to his lessons of
lust and pleasure. She would be curious to explore that side of marriage and
tantalizing tales she had heard. But, she wouldn’t be ready for many things for
a while yet. The passion Thorin had unthinkingly used on his past lovers would
have to be reined in before Kili no matter how she asked him to show her. She
wasn’t so helpless and delicate in her life in public, but in private, in this
matter, Thorin’s desire could hurt her. He didn’t know when Kili would be ready
for his true passion, but he predicted a handful of years would pass before the
moment came. As if knowing the frustration and worry building inside Thorin,
Kili’s fingertips teased the inside of Thorin’s thigh, making his breath hitch.
It was very fortunate that Dis chose that moment to turn to the couple and
waved at Kili.
“Come, dear. I need to ask your opinion about something,” she said cheerily,
apparently (and thankfully) unaware of the quiet exchange between her daughter
and Thorin.
Kili groaned miserably. “If this is yet another question on which shade of
whiteI would have for the napkins, I will have to risk your anger and take my
sword to them.”
Thorin chuckled, relieved that they were both spared from indecency. “Do try
not to. I would really like to marry you and it’s difficult to do so while
you’re in a prison.”
Kili scowled at him teasingly. “How helpful.”
Thorin watched Kili with the ladies for a while. She looked very disinterested
but Thorin was glad to see no blood was spilt in her annoyance. He considered
rescuing her with excuses, as she had mentioned just now, but she was truly
needed in the tedious process. Thorin’s need wilted as he listened to their
discussion of how to best hold the wedding. Preparing royal events was always
an obligation he was glad to delegate to someone. He was more than happy to
only give the vaguest instruction and inspect the guest list, leaving the rest
of the work to others. He pitied Kili for having to endure the boredom, but she
should start to learn the ways to throw royal events as no doubt there would be
many of such events when she became a queen consort.
Once secure that he would not humiliate himself, Thorin excused himself to the
ladies. Kili shot him a helpless look but he merely smirked. She would complain
later, but he wasn’t worried. Kili’s irritation was as fleeting as the wind.
She would forgive him before he knew it. Thorin left the chamber with a smile,
already looking forward to a quick banter with her. He was startled when he
nearly ran into Fili, who was going into the chamber. Similarly surprised, Fili
jumped back and immediately bowed in apology. He always easily and
automatically displayed perfect manners, whereas Kili wouldn’t be able to
contain either her curiosity or excitement. It’s truly very interesting how Dis
and Vilir managed to raise two children who were almost the complete opposite
of each other.
“I suppose you’re looking for your mother and sister?” Thorin asked lightly
once Fili had straightened his back. He smiled when Fili confirmed it. “They
are inside. I suggest you distract Kili, she has threatened to draw the blood
of your mother’s handmaidens if she isn’t left alone.”
Fili’s lips quirked and he peered over Thorin discreetly. He smiled at what he
saw there, but then his expression turned thoughtful. “May I take your time?
There’s something I’d like to discuss with you.”
Thorin raised an eyebrow. Fili had always kept a respectable distance from him
and their interactions were limited to the endless matters of obligations and
expectations. Thorin wasn’t for one second fooled into thinking this wasn’t in
some way related to Kili, which raised some concern. It must be something quite
important that Fili would request his audience. Thorin hadn’t noticed anything
amiss and Kili hadn’t displayed any unusual behavior, but Thorin must admit
they had been quite wrapped up in their wedding preparation to notice much
else. So, Thorin nodded his agreement and let Fili lead the way.
Being the more careful one of the siblings, Fili took his time. He led Thorin
through quiet corridors and past bright balconies. His sister would think
little of place and spoke when and where the urge compelled her, but not so
with him. Thorin followed Fili with only minor impatience, however. Although he
was admittedly not very close to the lad, he trusted him to be sensible. If
what he had to say was something of an emergency nature, he wouldn’t waste any
time. In fact, it was the fact that Fili waited to speak that calmed Thorin. He
took in their surroundings as they walked together in silence.
Summer in Ered Luin was beautiful. The weather was warmer than Erebor and the
expansive green forests and meadows near it enhanced the appeal of the season.
Every now and then, cool breeze caressed him, tempting him to enjoy the moment
and rest. Quiet and distant bird songs and gentle rustling of leaves expounded
the serenity. The mountain was filled with quiet excitement, the warm stones
seemed to reverberate with songs from deep in the mountain. Thorin was almost
at loath to leave, but he had to in not too long. He was needed back in Erebor,
both for his duties and for preparing his nuptial. Thorin smiled privately to
himself, thinking of the arrangements he had quietly made through messages. He
couldn’t wait to show Kili her new home—their home.
“How is your injury?” Fili asked, breaking Thorin’s very pleasant train of
thoughts.
“It has almost completely healed,” Thorin replied. There was nothing but light
scar now and a twinge of pain when he moved his shoulder too much. However, he
knew from experience they would fade away soon.
“I apologize for not protecting you well. I should have been quicker,” Fili
said, bowing his head in consternation.
“You did all you could, it was only that your sister was faster.”
“Yes. And that is a problem of its own, isn’t it?” Fili met Thorin’s curious
gaze levelly, although there was a hint of nervousness in his eyes. “Kili and I
share almost everything. We keep very little secret from each other.”
Thorin nodded. “So I’ve heard.”
“She told me of your assurance that she will have your guidance and support to
become a proper queen consort,” Fili said, leaving little doubt that he knew
that Kili had sneaked into Thorin’s chamber that fateful night.
“And she will.” Thorin stopped, causing Fili to do the same. He looked at Fili
closely. He didn’t like being doubted, especially for something as significant
as this.
Fili lowered his eyes in submission. “I’m certain she will,” he assured Thorin.
“I have full confidence that you will deliver as you have promised. It’s Kili
I’m worried about.”
“Kili?” Thorin asked, frowning.
Fili nodded. “She tends to overestimate her ability. Courage and optimism
aren’t necessarily negative traits, but they are when they convince you to take
poorly calculated risks.”
Thorin quietly took in Fili’s words and continued walking, prompting Fili to do
the same. “You don’t believe she’s able to properly play the role she will
assume,” he concluded.
Fili’s love for his sister was evident in how he grimaced as he spoke of her
shortcomings as if they were his own. “I know Kili very well. She’s too
excitable and often quite obstinate. She’s not made to sit still and speak; she
prefers actions, regardless of their consequences. I have never met any queen,
but I believe they don’t behave as Kili does.”
Hearing this, Thorin couldn’t help but chuckle. “Don’t you think I know this?”
He smirked at Fili. “I may have known her for only a year, but I know her
character quite well.”
“And her flaws don’t bother you?” Fili asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Everybody has flaws. Hers, I find anything but bothersome,” Thorin said,
thinking fondly of Kili’s sincerity in actions and expressions. Bothersome? No,
not at all. If anything, he found them endearing. Indeed, she must learn to
better restrain herself and think before acting, but those abilities would come
with age. Kili had a lot to learn and Thorin would be content to guide her
however long it would take.
“Will you still think the same if she commits a great mistake in the future?”
Thorin stopped again to look at Fili. This time, Fili didn’t avert his eyes,
nor did he seem nervous. No. This time, he looked determined. There’s bravery
in his eyes that Thorin had often seen in Kili’s. She had used it to protect
and conquer a king. Thorin wondered what Fili would use it for. One thing for
certain, however, Fili wouldn’t risk offending Thorin for no reason. So, Thorin
withheld his assessment and listened.
“There’s little room for error when one occupies a position of great importance
in the society, where a single mistake, no matter how small, may have major
consequences,” Fili continued. “As our king, you know this well. Will you
simply let her go if she makes a mistake that hurt your people?”
The thought of punishing Kili was appalling. Thorin couldn’t imagine summoning
her before his court to be judged for her mistakes. He didn’t want to imagine
anything befall her that would usually befall those who commit significant
mistakes. The thought of her banished, imprisoned, or worse made him very ill.
He couldn’t-wouldn’t let her be harmed. However, Thorin mustn’t be unjust. Any
mistake must be met with an equal punishment. Just because Kili was his
beloved, it didn’t mean she should receive special treatment. If her action
hurt their people, she should face repercussion, no matter how harsh, no matter
how unwilling Thorin was to subject her to it. Indeed, in the matters of
governance, he would be king first and lover later.
“I will not. I must not,” Thorin finally said, the words bitter on his tongue.
Fili grimaced but nodded. “You must not,” he agreed. “You see why I worry for
her.”
Thorin nodded slowly. “It is only fair to give punishment that befits one’s
wrong. People expect me to be impartial and I shall be so, as far as I am
able.” He paused, his mind conjuring up terrible images of Kili in suffering.
She was strong, but could she withstand some of the sentences which might be
given to great offenses? Many stronger and older dwarfs had failed. What if she
failed to survive them as well? Thorin clenched his hands tightly. “But know
this: I will never forgive myself for deliberately letting anything hurt her,
even if she deserves it. Her pain is mine, too. Even if I can’t share her
punishment, make no mistake, I will suffer along with her.”
Fili studied Thorin closely. He seemed now an older dwarf than he actually was.
It was a common result of the burden of the first son, as Thorin knew very
well. Fili’s childhood was cut short even earlier than Kili’s and growing since
then was a dwarf whose mind was older than his body. Some didn’t take this
well, rebelling and causing problems to their family, but Thorin felt he could
trust Fili to assess his honesty.
“Kili is not so unreasonable,” Fili finally said. “When she makes mistakes, she
knows she will face consequences. She will understand that. But, understanding
doesn’t mean not hurting, especially when it comes to you.” He looked at
Thorin, lips set on a firm line. “Kili holds you in high esteem. When you
avoided her just last week, she was devastated. She blamed herself for days,
picking on every single shortcoming she has, thinking that your favor was lost
forever.”
This information surprised Thorin. Kili had never told him about this or shown
any indication of it. Whenever they saw each other, she had always been her
cheerful self, if a little quiet. He always assumed—foolishly assumed!—that she
was merely mildly upset but determined to reclaim their closeness. She was
indeed determined, but she was far from unhurt. Thorin’s heart clenched
painfully, thinking of the distress he had caused her and how he had ignored
it, leaving her to face it alone. He wondered if he had unknowingly inflicted
other misery she kept secret, if her smiles had fooled him into overlooking any
problem she might have had. It appeared that Thorin owed her an apology, for he
hadn’t been as attentive as he ought to be.
“I didn’t know that,” Thorin admitted quietly.
“She doesn’t want you to know, but I think you must know how greatly you affect
her,” Fili said, pursing his lips.
“You’re right.” Thorin swallowed thickly. “Have I ever caused her similar
distress before that?” Or was he causing her that now and she expertly hid it?
Thorin couldn’t be sure anymore.
“Yes.” The answer sent guilt crashing onto Thorin’s heart. He looked away to
hide his anguish, but Fili was merciless. “She wasn’t quite herself when we
returned home from Erebor. She was quieter and kept things to herself more. I
still don’t know why—it’s one of the few things she keeps from me—but it was
clear she was unhappy because of you.”
Feeling weakened, Thorin closed his eyes tightly. He couldn’t imagine how she
might have felt those miserable months thinking he only wanted to use her to
reinforce his power. He had seen her anger and disappointment over the matter,
but how had she managed before, unwilling to tell anyone of her concerns and
believing she wasn’t in any position to do anything but accept his courting? “I
never thought… I know she was upset, but she gave no indication that she’s so
terribly affected.”
Fili’s lips thinned. “When she makes mistakes as your consort—and she will make
some—she will bear any punishment without complaint, but any ill thought you
have of her will be her worst punishment.”
Thorin sighed wearily. “I can promise to be patient and to provide any help she
needs, but I can’t promise to never disapprove of her actions or be
disappointed in them. The responsibilities of those in her station are indeed
very heavy.”
“I don’t suppose you can,” Fili said grimly.
“No. But, now that I know that her attitudes aren’t always as they may seem, I
will pay closer attention to her. If I can help it, I won’t let her feel any
doubt of herself ever again. As far as I’m able, I won’t let her be distressed
by thoughts of earning anyone’s approval. And, as for my own thoughts of her,
I’ll ensure her that she needn’t be worried. She, above all others, has my
favors and always will.”
Once again, Fili studied Thorin closely, as if assessing the truthfulness of
his words. Thorin wasn’t worried as he meant every single one of them. He
couldn’t promise Kili a life full of happiness he wished to provide her, but he
would strive to give her what he could to bring her contentment. It was not
ideal, but life rarely was. Thorin had learned all his life to give no less
than his best in navigating life and he planned to continue to do so when it
wasn’t only himself who faced the endless tribulations of life, but also Kili.
Their strong will would occasionally create strive between them, but Thorin was
confident that it would be a great asset in maintaining what they had, for
neither of them would give up on the other.
“My sister is the most cheerful dwarf I’ve ever known and I hate to see her be
anything but. If I find her in devastation again…”
“Are you threatening me, lad?” Thorin asked in amusement, raising an eyebrow.
He sized him up for good measures to remind Fili of the discrepancy between
their skills.
Properly intimidated, Fili shrank a little. “I will never consider treason, but
I will do anything to ensure Kili’s happiness.”
Thorin smiled and continued walking, Fili trailing beside him cautiously. “We
have that in common.”
Relieved that he hadn’t gained his king’s wrath, Fili spoke honestly, “I have
been assured that you will never hurt Kili, but I sometimes worry she has a far
too positive view of life.”
“She does, doesn’t she?” Thorin smiled to Fili. “Kili is lucky to have you as
her brother.”
Fili returned the smile. “Don’t we all want the best for our families?”
Thorin hummed thoughtfully. “I suppose so. It has been a while since I have my
closest kins with me that I have almost forgotten. I’m very glad I will soon
gain a new family to remind me of it.” He looked at Fili impishly. “I suppose I
must get used to calling you brother.”
Fili’s choked up noise and shocked look made Thorin laugh. He let the young
dwarf took his time composing himself (apparently the idea of having such close
relation with his king was too much for him even after all this time) and then
invited him for a spar. At the end of the day, after numerous defeats, Fili
seemed to have started to reconcile with the relationship he and Thorin would
have. When they returned to the hall, they were welcomed warmly by Vilir, who
suggested that they both retired to his study while waiting for supper. It was
when he was sitting with Vilir and Fili, laughing and relaxing, that Dis and
Kili found him. Kili sat down beside him, while Dis took a seat beside her
husband. Thorin studied her closely, remembering Fili’s revelation, wondering
what pain she still hid from him. Again, guilt washed over him. Unfortunately,
there was nothing he could do to alter the past, but he could and wouldlearn to
recognize her sorrow in the future. Feeling his gaze, Kili looked at him in
question and, when he said nothing, reached out to squeeze his arm gently
before pulling her hand away. Thorin ducked his head and smiled privately,
overjoyed by her forgiveness and affection. After knowing his past faults, he
couldn’t blame Kili if she found him unworthy of her, but somehow she still
wanted him, seeing something in him that he couldn’t. Thorin shifted closer to
her to bask in her closeness. He couldn’t wait to have her as his wife.
===============================================================================
No matter how Thorin tried to prolong his stay, summer eventually came to a
close. As the green of Ered Luin forests slowly changed color, Thorin prepared
for the long way home. He did so with a great deal of reluctance. In fact, if
not for Vilir’s friendly urging to avoid facing poor weather in terrible
locations, Thorin would delay his departure. In the short time he had spent in
Ered Luin, he had grown attached to Vilir’s family and the region, so different
were they from what he was accustomed to at home. It’s true that he loved
Erebor for it was and would always be his true home, but this beautiful region
halfway across the world had captured his heart. Thorin wished to spend more
time learning the differences between Erebor and Ered Luin, but his presence
was required in Erebor.
Based on the many messages sent from Erebor, the preparation went well even in
Thorin’s absence, but he’d like to see with his own eyes. Being rather
inexperienced in royal wedding planning, he also wanted to consult others on
the matter. His only request for the event was for it to be a reminder of past
traditions, which had been ignored for too long, and thus he wished to stay as
faithful as possible to old customs related to weddings, something he was sure
would delight elderly dwarfs. Kili had graciously given her blessing to this
despite Thorin’s warning that it might render the occasion long and
complicated. If anything, she seemed to see it as her first challenge to show
that she was capable and worthy of the position she was to have. Her confidence
assured and relieved Thorin, who had been worried she might disapprove a
lengthy complex celebration.
At least there was Dis to ensure Kili’s cooperation. Thorin knew he could leave
the preparation in his old friend’s capable hands. While Erebor handled the
logistics of the occasion, she took it almost entirely upon herself to handle
the aesthetics. Thorin had examined some of her proposal and thought it
interesting how she wished to incorporate her family’s love for nature into the
wedding. He had a feeling that the dwarfs of Erebor would be less amused than
him, but Dis knew how to get her way. Thorin personally didn’t mind, having
been persuaded to love forests and flowers by his now-frequent visit to Kili’s
garden. In fact, he encouraged it, as this would be a joining of two
individuals from two very different lives. Even putting aside the political
significance of including Ered Luin in the designs, he wanted it to reflect
Kili as well as himself. Although, Kili seemed to not have as much excitement
as her mother, except when it came to teasing Thorin with hints of what her
dress would be like. The ladies insisted on keeping it a secret, reasoning that
they wished to surprise Thorin. While he normally didn’t care for such things,
the hints ignited his curiosity. Kili refused to divulge, of course, only
telling him that she would make him speechless. Thorin thought very little she
did failed to make him wordless, but her teasing still eroded his patience. He
couldn’t wait for the seasons to pass.
On the day of his departure, Thorin was in a rather somber mood. Despite
knowing his responsibilities and that time would fly faster if he distracted
himself, he still found it difficult to bid good bye. He felt like a child,
sulking when forced to leave something he loved. He didn’t know when he would
be able to visit the lovely city again as Ered Luin was too far away, so he
couldn’t come as often as he liked. Further, it meant seeing Kili would be
difficult. Other couples could easily meet before their weddings, but not so
with them, who had great distance between them. They had to be patient, but
even the knowledge that they were to wed two summers away could only console
them for so long. Temporary though it was, it would be a painful separation,
especially after forming such strong bond, understanding, and affection.
Already, Thorin had begun to miss Kili.
“Thorin!”
The sight of Kili approaching lifted Thorin’s spirit. He tried to commit her to
memory, as it would be the only thing he had for the next months. He took in
the sight of her wild hair, bright eyes, wide smile, and cheerful voice. He
longed to hold her so he might recall having her in his arms in his lonely days
and nights in Erebor. But, he denied himself the pleasure as there were curious
eyes around them. They had barely avoided ruining her reputation once. He’d
rather not try to see if it would work a second time. For now, he contend
himself with her company.
“I’m just about to see your family,” Thorin said, smiling.
“I know. I want to see you while I still have the chance to have you for
myself.” Kili grinned. “Come this way!”
Baffled, Thorin followed her to a nearby balcony. There, overlooking the lovely
city of Ered Luin, they had some privacy. However, at the same time, the
location was exposed enough that Thorin knew Kili wouldn’t attempt anything
unwise. Her attendants stayed just out of earshot but within view, nervously
watching them. He smiled, glad that she understood the risks of following their
passion. Thorin tucked some strands of Kili’s hair behind her ear when wind
blew them out of their place. It was the only self-indulgence he dared to do.
The tender look Kili gave him spread warmth across his chest.
“I can’t believe how quickly the summer passed,” Kili complained. “It seems
only yesterday you arrived.”
Thorin chuckled. “That only means time will fly. Before you know it, you will
be in Erebor.”
“Oh, I will know it,” Kili groused. She frowned at the distance and turned to
Thorin again. “Two years is such a long time,” she said sourly.
“Indeed,” Thorin agreed, feeling as displeased as she, thinking about the long
and lonely months ahead of them. “But it is necessary.”
Kili nodded unhappily. “I know, but it still feels unfair that we have to wait
for so long. Those of my friends who are married only had to wait for months,
if not days, and they could still meet their betrotheds before they wed!”
Thorin smiled regretfully. “We don’t have the luxury of simplicity.”
He expected argument, but Kili merely sighed in resignation. “I understand
that. And I’m willing to live with that.” For Thorin. Though unspoken, the
words were understood. She would withstand the complexity that came with his
life for him, just as he would do anything to ensure her well-being and
happiness. Thorin felt the love in his heart blossomed anew. “But two years!”
At this, Thorin laughed. Kili might have understood her responsibilities more,
but she was still the same lively dwarf Thorin had fallen for. “Patience.
Didn’t we promise to exercise that? I will send you messages—many
messages—until you beg me to stop writing.”
“I will never ask you to stop writing,” Kili denied vehemently. She affected a
sour expression while Thorin chuckled, but she was never one to pretend for too
long. Soon, her expression had brightened as she dug something from her dress a
small pouch Thorin had just noticed her carrying. “I have something for you.”
Thorin blinked when he was handed a small rectangular sapphire. He turned it
over in his hand, inspecting the gem. Sunlight made the royal blue crystal
shone brilliantly and the excellent cut brought out the clarity no matter which
way he turned it. Unlike the hair clasp he had gifted her last year, this gift
couldn’t be worn. However, he doubted Kili would give him something for merely
the purpose of collection. Believing that there was a hidden meaning in the
present, Thorin studied the sapphire more carefully. The surface was smooth,
without any hint of inscription, no matter how miniscule. Other gemstones
sometimes hid their secrets in their changing color, displaying subtle messages
when they were tilted just so. It wasn’t the nature of sapphire, however. The
color remained unchanging, the surface free of writing. Thorin glanced up at
Kili’s expectant face, wondering the meaning of the gift.
Comprehension suddenly dawned on him. Meaning. Of course! Thorin had mostly
forgotten but there had been time when even hiding messages in unseen
inscriptions on gemstones was considered risky. It was a tumultuous period
marred by many wars and though the dwarfs had their own language that other
races didn’t understand, they still worried that their enemies would somehow be
able to decipher their messages. Thus, they assigned meanings to various
gemstones. These meanings tended to be simple, but with proper combination, to
dwarfs’ trained eyes the stones told a complete story. The practice had slowly
gone out of fashion as time went by and wars fortunately became rare, but it
was not complete forgotten. Thorin turned over the stone in his hand, recalling
the significance of sapphire from the deep recesses of his mind. Love, peace,
loyalty, faithfulness, trust, commitment, fulfillment of dream. Thorin couldn’t
think of a better gift to give a lover who was going away for a long period of
time. Two years is a long time, indeed, and no doubt it wouldn’t be easy for
either of them. But, they would survive the harsh test of time and at the end
of the dreaded wait, they would meet and never be parted.
Kili smiled widely when she saw Thorin’s understanding. “I thought of making it
into jewelry, but I’m not as talented as you are in creating designs.” She
shrugged.
“It’s perfect,” Thorin assured her. “I will keep it with me at all times.”
Then, unable to help himself after such declaration of love, Thorin reached out
for Kili’s hand to his lips. It was a rather daring move, one that no doubt
their attendants could see and would later share with all who would listen.
Still, he couldn’t resist this last gesture before their separation. He needed
to remember this moment, to remember her, and to ensure that she understood
what he couldn’t say. He sighed quietly when Kili squeezed his hand. When they
pulled their hands apart, he saw that she was looking at him full of devotion.
Thorin might not be as expressive or openly loving as Kili was, but that didn’t
mean he felt less strongly than her. He smiled at her, hoping that she knew he
felt exactly the same way.
“I’m afraid I haven’t prepared anything for you,” Thorin said apologetically.
Kili smiled and shook her head. “I will have all I want in two years’ time.”
They spent a few precious minutes together, discussing how they would maintain
correspondence while they were apart, before going to see the rest of Kili’s
family to bid them farewell. It was not easy to leave as Thorin had grown close
to them, but his heavy heart was lightened by the cool sapphire he kept in the
inner pocket of his coat. The promises symbolized by the gem helped him smile
as he climbed into his carriage and nodded his last good bye to the family. His
eyes lingered on Kili, who looked forlorn but determined. Not easily shakable,
that lass, and Thorin was all the more grateful for the good fortune of meeting
her and having her approval to be his consort.
Mere minutes later, Thorin found himself at the edge of the city. Hours later,
he was surrounded by the yellowing landscape, far from settlements. After so
long of being in the near constant company of Kili and her family, Thorin felt
lonely. The privacy he had desperately sought in Ered Luin and the silence he
used to cherish were now daunting. He had to relearn his old ways of living,
but he mustn’t return to the state he was. Things were going to change and the
truth was he couldn’t feel again the indifference he had for the thought of
having a spouse. Thorin took out the beautiful sapphire from his pocket and
turned it over and over in his hands, thinking of Kili and their approaching
future together. He sighed. This would be the longest two years of his life.
Chapter End Notes
     Don't drink and hunt! The hunting is based on this wikipedia_page and
     looking at many, many medieval paintings on google search. The dowry
     was going to be a large chest of mithril but I was told that it was
     too much, so it ended up as just a small chest. I initially planned
     the wedding to take place the next year but I was told that royal
     wedding back then took longer time to prepare. I'm seriously bad at
     this wedding planning thing, so great thanks to everyone who helped
     me. This is the first part of the marriage ritual I made up for this
     fic. The meanings of the sapphire were taken from these three links.
     I wanted to use lapis lazuli because it symbolizes royalty but the
     rest of the meaning (fidelity in marriage) doesn't fit, so I used
     sapphire, though lapis lazuli will make an appearance later in the
     fic.
     So, is the next chapter going to be the last? No. Because I realized
     that I dropped a major plot point and consequently wrote a very long
     addition to resolve it. So, there will be two more chapter. I really
     need a first reader or something. I often lose track of my mind after
     about 30k and my impulsive writing sucks.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
     This chapter was almost not posted because of insane workload,
     insomnia, random sickness, etc. but somehow I managed to finish
     editing it. It's the almost-forgotten plot point! Warning for
     description of war. Nothing too gory but quite a bit of dead bodies.
     There's also some description of PTSD. It's frankly not my expertise
     even back in college. I've done my homework and read articles about
     it, but my description is most likely not 100% accurate because I
     adjust it with plot points. There's also a bit of unreliable narrator
     that I'll explain a little later. Enjoy!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Not clouded by anxiety, the journey home was nothing memorable for Thorin. He
kept his mind occupied at all times, not only planning his wedding, but also
continuing the works he had left behind. First on his mind was the plan to
involve dwarf ladies in his court. The plan had been put on hold while he was
away, but it would continue once he arrived. Hopefully, the news that there
would be a queen consort was enough to soften some stronger minds. Dain’s
support would also be critical. Thorin knew his cousin adored his daughters. He
would most likely not be averse to any change that would benefit them. His
brash nature would also help Thorin tremendously—Dain knew how to make people
to see his way using his cocky confidence. If they work together, Thorin was
sure the change he wanted would take place with little problem.
All these and more, Thorin told Balin using the ravens which travelled with
him. When he left Erebor, he had felt everything could wait, but now as he
returned home from Ered Luin, he was in a rush to do many things. He’d like to
think it was only natural for wedding preparation to be hectic, even though he
had others to manage it for him. However, the truth was he craved
distraction—or rather an illusion that time was moving swiftly so he could be
with Kili and entwine their lives together forever. But, it didn’t quite work.
As his ravens flew swiftly ahead of his party to Erebor, Thorin wondered if he
should also send messages for Kili. He thought it was important to keep
correspondence with her considering the misunderstanding they had had when
Thorin first arrived in Ered Luin. However, Thorin couldn’t find much to say,
other than that he spent most of his time staring at the passing scenery with
the sapphire in his hand. While Kili occupied his mind more often than not, how
many ways were there to say that he wished for the two years separating them to
disappear? More passionate lovers would write at length on every thought that
passed their minds regarding their distant lovers, but Thorin was unaccustomed
to such thing. His past lovers had often remarked on his indifference. If Kili
were with him, he would hold her hand and take his fill of her with his eyes,
but as they were apart, his attempts at love letters merely made him
uncomfortable. He vowed to write her something once he arrived home, when he
had thought of proper things to tell her. Thorin hoped Kili understood.
Despite his new-found love for Ered Luin, the sight of the Lonely Mountain
still brought a smile to Thorin’s lips. It might not have the beautiful rich
forests of Ered Luin, but to him it was still his most beloved home, the most
beautiful place he had ever laid his eyes on. But not most beautiful sight, not
after Kili. Thorin chuckled to himself at the thought and the warm spark in his
chest in response to it. He observed the scenery closely to look for something
to write to Kili. Signs of civilization increased as the carriage moved slowly
closer to Erebor. In the fields, farmers prepared for the final harvest of the
year. In cities, people began to prepare for the cold winter. Yet, despite all
these, they still smiled and cheered when they saw his carriage drove by.
Despite rarely stopping to take in the atmosphere, it was clear that there was
excitement in the air. Thorin watched the beautiful view outside, counting the
weeks that had passed on the road and the many months before Kili took the same
journey as he did now, hoping time would have mercy and quicken for Kili and
him.
But time has no mercy. A day is a day. A month is a month. Two years are two
years. The evening of the day Thorin finally reached Erebor, exhausted but
pleased to be home, the first thing he did after other perfunctory actions was
writing a message for Kili, not wanting to delay communication and filled with
longing for her. Affectionate words didn’t come easily to him, especially under
the influence of exhaustion. He tried not to come across as too cold or
unfeeling in his written words, but he couldn’t make himself write more passion
into the message. Instead, he wrote of beautiful and safe journey and the long
day waiting for him in the morning, neglecting appropriate flatteries and
creative adjectives lovers often employed. He did give away that his hands had
held the sapphire more often than his pockets had, but nothing more. Once
signed (‘yours eternally,’ the first and only successful product of his
tiredness’s attempt to erode his self-consciousness,) the message was given to
a servant to be sent to Ered Luin. He slept well that night but woke up worried
now that his mind was fresh and he realized how impersonal most of the letter
had been. Unfortunately, by then the raven was well on its way to Kili and
Thorin had no choice but to hide his nervousness behind the massive amount of
work Balin had waiting for him. A reply came a few days later, containing a
lengthy and thorough but somewhat disjointed description of the “torture” Kili
had been put through in Thorin’s absence. It ended with a sly question on
whether he put his hand on anything else while thinking of her, an
inappropriate question that nonetheless reflected Kili’s personality so well.
Thorin laughed out loud when he read that part, imagining her sly but hopeful
smile when she wrote that, and just like that, his worried evaporated. There
was no need for him to pretend to be someone else for her—she loved him just as
he was. Gone was his hesitance to write to proper love letter for her. He knew
then that their relationship would last.
One by one, things were sorted out for the royal wedding, orders were placed,
and various productions started. Winter halted some outdoor preparations, but
the staffs were kept constantly busy to ensure nothing less than perfection for
their king and future queen consort. Thorin had delegated most of the tasks to
others (something Kili expressed her envy for) and only examined the progress
every so often. One task he maintained full control of was preparing Kili’s
room. Unexpectedly, he took great pleasure in it, sending her letters
frequently to ask about her preferences and describe in great details the
changes he had made. As she had a strange aversion to gold, he replaced various
gold items there with similar items made of different metals. When Kili warned
him not to use mithril for everything, Thorin realized that he had done
precisely that and commended her for her resistance to unnecessary
extravagance. He was used to such luxury and didn’t think much of it, but Kili
was raised differently from him and had the sense to appreciate what he took
for granted. It was an important and valuable difference in their characters
and Thorin was even more grateful for finding her for it.
In one of her letters, Kili admitted to liking some elven designs and
cautiously wondered if it were possible to incorporate that into the room.
Thorin readily agreed to it, despite knowing the challenge of combining it with
the existing dwarven design. Aside from specially made furniture, Thorin also
commissioned new relief to be made to cover the walls of the room after Kili
mentioned that she would miss the nature in Ered Luin. Various sketches were
sent for her to select from and after a week, one was sent back to Erebor. It
was an illustration made based on Thorin’s description of Kili’s garden. There
were tall trees that would cover the walls, flowers that would sprout from the
marble floor, night sky that would cover the ceiling, and birds and deer that
would hide among leaves, branches, and tree trunks. It was an unusual choice of
decoration, but Kili would be an unusual consort as well, so Thorin thought it
suited her well.
In the evening, when all works ceased, Thorin would sit in Kili’s future room,
thinking of the time they had spent together and the time they would spend
together. In the silence of a room filled with Kili’s preferences, it almost
felt as if he was in her presence. His hand would clutch the sapphire she gave
him, which he had fashioned into a pendant to hang over his heart. Then,
smiling, he began to write to her.
===============================================================================
The spring that year would be accompanied by some bitterness. Last year, Thorin
had been busy preparing for his departure to Ered Luin. The year before that,
he had expected Vilir’s arrival. This year all he expected was enormous amount
of work which usually came with the returning warmth and life. He couldn’t
afford to go to Ered Luin again. Even though his advisors had proven their
ability in governing the mountain kingdom in his absence, he was still wary of
doing so again. Furthermore, with the wedding (far too) slowly approaching,
there were more things that required his attention in Erebor more than ever.
Similarly, Kili couldn’t be away from Ered Luin for long. Aside from preparing
their wedding, she was also learning various skills and responsibilities that
would be required of her once they were wed. She confessed to feeling upset for
being forced to abandon her carefree way, although she always reassured Thorin
that she hadn’t changed her mind. Such change, frustrating though it could be,
was only the natural course of life as one grew older and then married. He had
no doubt of this claim when he read her eagerness for married life. Kili was
always an intensely curious dwarf and she employed the same curiosity to their
impending matrimony, asking questions Thorin wasn’t sure how to answer, for he,
too, had no experience in it. He did realize that the distance between them
might not be entirely bad as Kili often expressed her craving for physical
affection, a craving he echoed all too desperately. Were they together,
Thorin’s self-control might slip before Kili’s desire for proof of his passion.
Thorin took the matter into his own hand and never inquired how she solved the
issue on her end for fear of the loss of his already tenuous discipline. It was
enough, he told himself repeatedly, to know that she loved and wanted him at
least as much as he loved and wanted her.
Thorin sighed as he picked up a letter from a pile of letters that required his
attention. Tedious though the task was, he still much preferred it to facing
some dwarfs. It seemed that his engagement was viewed by some as an invitation
to impart views on marriage. He had lost count of the times he was caught in a
long-winded conversation about others’ family lives and what he could learn
from them. Thorin supposed they meant well, but it still irked him that they
treated him as if he was an adolescent not knowing his way around the world. It
was true that he didn’t have much knowledge on married life aside from
observation and stories, but he didn’t think he needed any lesson in affection.
Admittedly, his character could be difficult, but after spending last summer
with Kili, he was sure she was more than capable of handling him at his worst
moments. Thorin hoped she would never have to see his worst moments again, of
course. But, there was no shortage of difficulties he had to face as a king and
he worried that once in a while they would affect him.
Thorin scoffed when he remembered Fili’s warning. He imagined the young lord
riding across the world to come rescue his sister from her unpleasant husband.
How would he react when he remembered that Kili didn’t need any rescuing?
Thorin was under no illusion that his future bride wouldn’t simply walk away or
fight back if she felt he had gone too far in his unpleasantness. Yes, Kili
knew the expectations that would be placed upon her as a queen consort, but she
also had a sense of self preservation. If being with Thorin made her
exceedingly unhappy, she would choose freedom, regardless of what people would
think of it. And all the better for her for it! Thorin couldn’t bear to think
of separation, but he would much rather face a lifetime of loneliness than
forcing Kili to endure his poor character and behaviors.
Pushing the letter aside, Thorin shook his head to dismiss the thought. He
would perhaps write that to Kili in his next letter, but it wasn’t time to be
distracted. He took a breath when he saw that his next letter was from Gloin.
His messages for Thorin were never without urgency or significance. This time,
his letter was meant to be an invitation. Gloin’s son, Gimli, would soon come
of age and he invited Thorin to a celebration. It was a common enough
invitation that Thorin always tried to attend as there was great significance
in the event. In it Gimli would be given his first real weapon to signify that
he can now fight battles for himself, his king, his family, his friends, and
his allies, as required. Further, as the son of a dwarf lord, this meant he
would begin to take upon various duties to assist and, one day, replace his
father. No more studying tomes and listening to past histories. He would now be
seated among lords, listening to them as they made decisions for the betterment
of their people. Once deemed sufficiently experienced, he would be allowed to
actively participate in these meetings, to share his thoughts and visions, to
start to make his place among the dwarfs that would be his peers in the future.
That was why Thorin felt it important to attend these meetings. He would like
to know these future lords to anticipate what kind of lords they would be in
the future and how (or if) they would work together well, to say nothing to
reinforcing his connection with the young lords’ parents. In normal
circumstances, Thorin would not hesitate to agree to go. However….
When Balin joined him in his study, Thorin handed him the letter without a
word. Balin read it dutifully. When his expression grew stony, Thorin knew he
had understood. After he finished reading the letter, Balin rolled the
parchment and quietly put it on Thorin’s table.
“Moria.” Balin sighed when Thorin nodded slowly. “I can’t say I envy him for
having to settle there.”
“He’s braver than us,” Thorin said, carefully keeping his voice neutral.
Balin frowned. “It isn’t cowardice that keeps us away from there.”
No. It was grief. It was the memory of losing hundreds, of seeing people they
knew and loved dying before their eyes, of helplessness and tides after tides
of orcs charging toward them, of stabbing pain and metallic scent of blood in
the air that they couldn’t quite remove even decades afterward. Thorin clenched
his hands. “No, it isn’t.” It was only that, unlike Gloin, he and Balin never
learnt to fully cope with those memories. Perhaps the fact that Gloin didn’t
lose any close family member in the battle gave him that strength, but Thorin
wouldn’t begrudge him that great fortune. “And I am glad that he is willing to
take the great task. Moria requires both a warrior and a merchant for its
leader. There is no better lord for the mine.”
“I agree.” Once, Balin had been considered to go to Moria and salvage the rich
mine, but he had refused, claiming that he preferred serving his king and that
the region required skills he didn’t have. Many had thought it a waste of
potential, Thorin included. Balin would make an excellent lord of a dwarf
colony with his wisdom, but he seemed adamant to remain as close to the throne
of Erebor as possible and Thorin couldn’t say he hadn’t benefitted from that
refusal. “Moria has truly prospered under his rule.”
But it was still Moria. It was still so close to the place Thorin had lost his
grandfather, too close to the place that still visited him in his darkest
dreams. Thorin became more aware of the old wounds littering his body, some of
which sometimes ached in cold weather such as now. His mind was brought back to
the moment each of them was created, the blood that erupted from the injuries,
the mad grins on the orcs’ faces, the slicing pain spreading across his body,
the paralyzing feeling when he thought he would not survive the day. Thorin
left his chair to approach the lit hearth to seek heat. He felt cold and his
body trembled ever so slightly.
“I’m sure Gloin would understand if you won’t come,” Balin said gently. But
there was tension to his voice that didn’t fool Thorin into thinking he wasn’t
also affected by the invitation.
“But I should, shouldn’t I?” Thorin said wearily. “I usually come to these
celebrations and Gloin is family.” Only distantly related to him, but still he
and his family were Durin’s Folks. “Further, I have delayed discussing the
trade arrangement with him for nearly a year. He won’t be happy with further
delay.”
Balin waited for Thorin to return to his seat before speaking quietly, so the
guard in the study couldn’t hear them. “But can you go?”
Thorin looked at his old friend and thought of the answer. As time went by,
nightmares didn’t plague him often and nowadays, except for odd nights when he
woke up drenched in sweat and with a war cry lodged in his throat, he barely
thought of Azanulbizar at all. He was trained for this, for putting away the
awful realities of war behind a locked door in his mind. Violence, in various
doses, was a part of life, especially for dwarfs. Many envied their wealth so
that even without the constant threats of creatures lurking in the dark, they
would find themselves defending their prized ones. Thorin, too, had understood
this when he received his first real weapon nearly a century ago. It had been a
more tumultuous time. Only years after his coming of age, he had been sent away
to dispatch a band of rogue orcs. The day-long fight had disabused him of his
youthful sense of invincibility when he saw some of his peers die alongside
more experienced dwarfs.
No one could escape death. Thick armors, sharp axes and swords, and decades of
experience were merely mild inconveniences when death came to collect them. He
went to his next battles understanding this and willing to risk himself
nonetheless—after all, some things were worth fighting for. Azanulbizar was the
biggest battle he had ever taken part in and he went with the same frame of
mind that he had taken to smaller battles beforehand. It was true that he had
returned home slightly changed, but that was expected. After a couple of weeks
of recuperating his body and searching for peace in his mind, he had returned
to his duties. Some feelings lingered long after he left the battlefield, but
he slowly overcame them with the help of sympathetic advices from knowing older
dwarfs.
But his earlier reaction indicated that the remnants of the battle had stronger
hold on him that he had believed. It was one thing to consider the past from a
distance, to recall some memories of those bloody days from the safety of his
mountain home, and quite another to go to Moria to revisit the site of so many
of his nightmares. Something inside Thorin still trembled at the thought of it.
He knew the region was safe now under Gloin’s rule, but somewhere in the back
of Thorin’s mind, he still expected orcs to pour out of the gate, for the
ground to be soaking wet with blood, for the view to be filled with corpses.
Thorin lowered his eyes to hide from the knowing gaze of his friend. Although
he trusted Balin to understand more than most others, he still hesitated to
reveal this moment of weakness, of irrationality. Danger had passed. He knew
that, but somehow he couldn’t fully believe it, and he loathed how he didn’t
have full control of his mind.
“I suppose Oin would like to go,” Balin mused idly.
Thorin looked up to his friend. There’s little doubt that Oin would want to go.
He was very tight with his brother and when Gloin agreed to go to Moria, Thorin
had been sure Oin would go along with him. For whatever reason, however, he had
decided to stay and, as far as Thorin knew, the brothers barely met ever since,
except on the rare occasions Gloin visited Erebor. Oin wouldn’t want to miss
the chance to attend such an important celebration for his nephew and see his
brother. By inviting him to go to Moria with him, Thorin would have the aid of
one of the best healers in Erebor in his travel, who was also experienced in
handling minds marred by wars, having survived more battles than Thorin ever
had.
“I should invite him to go with me,” Thorin decided.
Balin smiled. “Excellent idea. So will you go?”
Thorin took a deep breath and then nodded. “I will. Although I won’t stay long.
I don’t want to miss our annual summer feast.” It was only partially an excuse.
There wereadvantages to holding the annual event, after all, and if this year
the event happened to require him to not be away for too long, then it was only
an additional benefit. “Will you join us?”
“There are matters that I need to oversee, but if you don’t plan on being away
for very long, I will join you and Oin. I also haven’t seen Gloin for a long
time.” Balin’s smile was a little strained but Thorin understood the meaning
behind the decision and nodded in gratitude.
“He must have invited many lords. If you join me, we can assess who may support
our plan,” Thorin said.
The return of the topic to duties removed personal sentiments from Balin’s mind
almost immediately. “That’s true. I hope Dain will be there. Do you suppose
Vilir and his family will come as well?”
The thought gave Thorin a pause. He hadn’t thought of that, being lost in the
memories of the dark days of the battle. Now that he thought of it, it was very
likely that Gloin had sent the lord of Ered Luin similar invitation. After all,
the purpose of this celebration was to introduce Gimli to the lords that ruled
various regions or occupy positions of varying importance in Erebor. The
thought of only having to wait for merely months instead of a year to see Kili
again quickly excited Thorin.
“Perhaps they will,” he said, planning to send a message to Kili inquiring
about any such invitation and persuading her to go. He didn’t think she’d enjoy
the formality of such celebration, but her presence there would make things
bearable for him, one dwarf to remind him of life in a place that he associated
with death.
Missing Thorin’s line of thought entirely, Balin hummed thoughtfully. “This
will be an excellent opportunity to introduce Kili to the lords. With Dis’ help
it will be quite easy to assure them to give our cause their support.”
Thorin raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment. He thought that Kili was perfectly
able to win anyone’s support and favor without her mother’s help. True, Dis was
more experienced in politics, but Kili didn’t need her to prove herself.
However, Balin still didn’t know this. Although Thorin had hinted at Kili’s
intelligence, Balin seemed to think that this merely referred to her wit (which
she also had in abundance.) For a moment, Thorin thought of correcting him on
his lover’s behalf, but he worried that Balin wouldn’t support him as ardently
if he did so. His argument might be viewed as biased, a product of a lover’s
infatuation. It wasn’t, but Thorin had no means to prove it. So, for now he
kept quiet, planning to discuss this with Dis if she came to Moria with her
family.
“Have you discussed this with Vilir?” Balin asked.
“No.” Thorin shook his head. “I wanted to wait until it’s more final, although
I have told Kili. I’m inclined to believe, however, that he will support it
wholeheartedly.”
“You should inform him as well. I notice he has a way with words, and his
growing popularity certainly helps. His support will be greatly valuable for
us.” Balin sighed. “Although there is risk that some may perceive him as being
power-hungry by wanting all members of his family to have political power.”
Thorin tensed up. He hadn’t considered that. If people thought that he favored
certain regions and dwarfs above others, the dissension he had tried to quash
would reemerge. Vilir was a kind dwarf. Now that Thorin knew him, he was
convinced Vilir and his family had no greed for either wealth or power that so
often plagued their race. However, people didn’t know this and might view
Vilir’s family badly because of this. Thorin was certain his purpose was true,
but he hesitated to sacrifice anyone’s reputation, especially when it might
affect his kingdom on a greater scale.
“We do need his support, but perhaps his involvement should be limited. I don’t
want anyone to misjudge him.”
“Or misjudge you,” Balin added. He pursed his lips. “I know you wish to give
Kili power in politics, but you understand some may see this as you being used
to serve Vilir’s family’s interests.”
Thorin scowled. “No one uses me,” he growled.
Balin bowed his head. “Of course. What I mean is we have to be careful. Any
mistake here may harm you and Vilir.”
Although still displeased, Thorin nodded, seeing the wisdom in the suggestion.
“I will send a message to Kili immediately. If she’s going to the feast, I will
tell her and her parents to be ready.”
“That would be best,” Balin said cheerfully. “Once the plan is in motion,
however, we should be quick. We should search for ladies that would join Kili
and Dis in the court, and the less close they were to Vilir’s family the
better. This way, people won’t think that you favor one family over others,
including your own.”
Thorin struggled to pay close attention to Balin’s thoughtful planning
afterward. He thought of Kili and the months that had passed since the last
time they saw each other. The time apart and the letters they regularly sent to
each other kept the warm glow of his affection alight in his heart. More times
that he could count, he had expressed his desire to see her again (in not so
many words) and she had echoed the same (in far more words than he had.) Thorin
couldn’t resist taking the opportunity to see her again. Yet, he couldn’t help
but be concerned. Balin was correct in pointing out the risks both he and Vilir
were facing. He hadn’t considered them in his haste to help Kili get the
recognition she deserved. He also supposed that, being a king, he wasn’t used
to being questioned for the power he had and desired. Other lords, on the other
hand, might face greater scrutiny for doing what could be perceived as
expanding their influence. After all, Thorin invited Vilir and his family to
Erebor in the first place for the same reason. No doubt whatever would unfold
in Moria would be of great significance.
Moria. Thorin glanced at the letter on his table and felt dread accumulate as
his eyes easily found the name “Moria.” It was all too easy to imagine the
screams of pain and hate, to smell the sickening scent of blood, to see the
bloodied forms of both friends and foes blurring into near unidentifiable
unity, to taste the shouts of encouragement that started to feel hollow as the
battle dragged on, to feel that pounding rush of fear-turned-determination to
live. Thorin recalled his grandfather’s head rolling down a mountain of dead
bodies and himself standing helpless in the distance. His hand flew to his
chest, where the sapphire rested cold against his skin, seeking courage from
his distant lover. Thorin exhaled quietly, grateful that Balin didn’t notice
his distress, and lowered his hand. Outside the winds howled as they battered
the Lonely Mountain’s powerful rocks to no avail. Yet, Thorin felt oddly
vulnerable.
===============================================================================
Thorin departed for Moria on mid spring when it was no longer possible to wait
without being so obviously stalling, Balin and Oin joining him. Of the three of
them, only Oin was in high spirit. He hovered near his carriage as Thorin made
final preparations, clearly eager to go. When Thorin finally climbed into his
own gold-gilded carriage, he heard the old healer groused at how slow the young
guards accompanying them were. Balin was quiet by comparison. Once everything
was arranged for his and Thorin’s absence and Thorin was in his carriage, he
climbed into his own carriage. Books and writing equipment waiting for him
inside assured him distraction during the travel. Thorin, too, prepared books,
but he wasn’t certain how effective they would be in keeping his mind off the
past. As his carriage drove past the gate of Erebor, he felt chilled despite
the warm sun. His fingers found the sapphire hanging over his chest, the
thought of meeting Kili soon the only thing calming him.
Kili had been predictably excited at the prospect of meeting him, no matter how
briefly, instead of waiting for their wedding. She promised to show Thorin
everything she had learnt, the new skills and broader knowledge her tutors and
Dis patiently taught her. Cheerily, she mentioned that they grew frustrated of
her seeming carelessness and started to lose hope that she would make a proper
royal consort, but Thorin wasn’t overly concerned. He knew Kili could be
surprisingly smart and astute when required. As for her behaviors, he trusted
that despite appearances she knew when to not behave too freely. Dis’ letters
confirmed the same, stating that despite acting otherwise, Kili had changed,
understanding her future role better by day. While Dis was concerned about how
her daughter might perform in her first social function as the king’s future
bride, Kili shared no such worry, only expressing eagerness to attend a feast
after many dreadful months of learning what a dwarf would normally learn and
perfect over the course of years.
That was why Thorin decided to refrain from sharing with her his troubles. He
sensed that despite the happy words she used in her messages, she was rather
stressed by her lessons, hence the games she played on her tutors. If she
viewed the invitation to Moria as a chance to temporarily relieve herself of
such burdens, he didn’t want to ruin it with his dark thoughts. In a way, he
felt responsible, for if not for him she would be able to lead a more carefree
life that she clearly desired. Often, Thorin imagined such life, a simple one
in a small house far from the intrigues of politics, where they could live
self-sufficiently from the land and have no one to think of but themselves. He
imagined it would be a difficult but happy life. At the very least, Kili would
be able to do anything she pleased. No more being kept away from vigorous
activities or being forced to wear pretty but inconvenient dresses and braids
or pretending to be someone she was not. As for Thorin himself, he would spend
his days toiling with his hands, spurred by the knowledge that the fruits of
his labor would please his young wife. He would gladly trade the accolades he
was used to receiving from his people for Kili’s smiles and kisses and the
right to hold her in his arms.
But such dream would never become reality. He was born a Durin. He knew he
would become a king since he first became aware of the meaning of
responsibility. The path of his life had been determined since his birth: He
was to serve the race of dwarf. Though he regretted bringing Kili into a life
ill-suited for her personality, he truly had no other choice. He couldn’t
abandon kingship to pursue his own happiness, or even Kili’s. It was simply
unthinkable to put a single dwarf’s contentment above hundreds of others’.
Thorin thought it was fortunate that Kili agreed to share this hardship. He
hadn’t known loneliness before her, being used to relative isolation and days
filled with fulfilling duties. After knowing her, after falling for her,
returning to the life he used to have would be unbearable. He was glad that he
now had someone to talk to when he was troubled, when the weight of his
responsibilities bore down too heavily upon his shoulders. Kili’s words of
comfort alleviated his distresses, resuscitating him until he was ready to face
the world again. However, not this time. This time, though she never said it,
she needed him to support her as she was molded into someone she didn’t want to
be but had to be so she could be with him. For him, she had given up her youth
and her carefree life. Thorin would not bother her with stories of his bloody
past. To stay quiet was the least he could do for her at the moment.
So, Thorin kept quiet as the view passing outside the windows of his carriage
transformed from beautiful countryside and peaceful forests into gloomy
mountainous terrain. It had started quite easy. The roads were well-travelled
and relatively safe. The ponies and carriages passed them without a hitch. At
night, when they rested, winds only slightly bothered them. They had dinner in
a tent where they were protected from the chill. Oin and Balin traded stories
of their youth. They led rather different lives, with Oin focusing on learning
the skills of a healer and Balin engrossing himself with matters of the state.
There were still some similarities, however. Together they lamented how the
times had changed and what they missed from the days of old (although they
quickly assured Thorin that the changes he made were for the better.) Sometimes
they talked about battles they had fought, but they carefully skipped the
violence and the death, focusing instead on their effects for the people. They
certainly never spoke of Azanulbizar, which Thorin was grateful for. With the
help of a few goblets of wine, Thorin slept easy at night, thus making the
travel during the day easier. For those first couple of days on the road, he
thought he was ready to face Moria.
However, this didn’t last long. The further they went, the more the Misty
Mountains showed its harsh nature. The road became more and more treacherous
and pounding rain fell day and night. They had only a couple of brief hours of
untroubled journey each day before they were slowed down by torrents of water
falling from the sky and towering cliffs. The threat of landslide was ever
present. Even the most well-behaved ponies hesitated to walk too close to
precarious edges so that the riders had to dismount to lead them animals
slowly. At night, wind blew out candles and torches repeatedly and swayed heavy
metal lanterns. Guards stood nervously in the darkness, trying to listen
through the heavy downpour for any sound resembling falling rocks or soil.
Sometimes, lightning clapped, briefly showing the looming rocks around them,
but most of the time they barely saw anything. Even their keen dwarf eyes, used
to seeing in the depth of mountains and mines, failed them in the weather.
Thunders boomed in the distance, spooking the ponies, which in turn made the
dwarfs nervous. What was thought to be an easy short travel was shaping up to
be one of the most difficult journeys they had ever taken.
Busy focusing on survival, no one noticed that Thorin slowly became withdrawn.
He was quiet by design, except in front of the trusted few, so no one thought
it strange when he barely spoke a word beside orders to depart and rest. Even
Balin, occupied by the effects of the terrible weather on his body, was
distracted. No one noticed that Thorin was paler than usual and the bags under
his eyes were darker. They didn’t realize that he ate less than usual and drank
more. If anyone actually saw these, they contributed them to the poor traveling
condition and said nothing. No one realized that Thorin’s old ghosts had
started to reappear.
It started with restless sleep. Thorin thought little of it at first, as
sleeping comfortably during travel was nearly impossible. He turned to wine for
comfort, to send him to deeper sleep, and for a while it worked. Then, the
nightmares started. They weren’t clear in the beginning, just making him jolt
awake with a vague sense of fear and unease, but slowly their shapes became
clear. He saw swarms of orcs racing toward him and other dwarf soldiers. He
heard their bloodthirsty screams drowning out the dwarfs’ war cry. He tasted
blood in his mouth (his blood? Other dwarfs’? The orcs’?) as he fought. He felt
his heart pounding in his chest and the hot rush of adrenaline in his veins as
he cut an enemy only to be faced by two more. He smelt the metallic scent of
blood, growing stronger and stronger as more and more soldiers and orcs died.
Thorin fought and fought and fought until his whole body ached with exhaustion
and pain from various injuries, but the orcs kept coming, overwhelming him,
surrounding him with their sharp weapons at the ready, until he was the lone
dwarf standing in a field of carnage. Then, from the top of a mountain of
bodies, a pale orc stood lifting Thror effortlessly with one hand. With a
murderous grin, he swung his blade and Thror’s body fell to the ground,
headless. Just as the horror sank in, the orcs, laughing maniacally, began
attacking Thorin, stabbing and cutting but letting him live through his pain
until he fell to his knees, shaking and crying out, helpless as the orcs
towered over him, blocking the sun.
Countless times Thorin woke from such nightmares, clutching his bedding or the
seat in his carriage. He shook, his body cold, his lungs refusing to cooperate.
The vestiges of the dreams stayed with him, made worse by the knowledge that
those were real and not dark imaginings, that many decades ago they had indeed
taken place. Thorin began to dread sleep and the terror that woke him, neither
of which would be allayed by wine, no matter how much he drank. Not satisfied
with taking away his rest, the nightmares followed him to his wakeful hours in
the form of memories. Every death Thorin had ever witnessed came back with
perfect clarity. He saw the friends he had grown up with, the elders he had
looked up to, the brothers-in-arms he had fought alongside with, perished as if
before his very eyes. No matter how he tried to take his mind off the memories,
his thought would inevitably be drawn back to them, forcing him to relive every
terrible moment. The combination of helplessness and exhaustion in the long a
difficult journey to a place he associated with doom slowly wore Thorin out. He
could feel himself weakened by the physical and mental strains. Thorin
considered himself strong, but under the onslaught of two kinds of torture, he
was defenseless.
Thorin considered asking for help from Oin or Balin, but he noticed their
uncharacteristic silence and tension. They had ceased their storytelling almost
completely and seemed occupied with their own minds most of the time. Thorin
knew then that they were facing the same ghosts as he. Having more experience,
they didn’t seem as troubled by the memories as Thorin was, but it was still a
struggle. The farther they went and the closer they were to the site of the
battle, the more difficult it was to forget. So, Thorin decided against asking
for their help. They had more than enough in their hands and didn’t need his
problem on top of everything. Besides, these were only nightmares and memories.
Thorin had gone with less rest before when he was still travelling and going to
battles. He was merely unaccustomed to it now, but his body would adjust and he
would learn to ignore dark reminiscence. That was what he kept telling himself
as he lie awake at night, listening to the rain outside his tent, and when he
sat alone in his carriage during the day, trying not to remember how decades
ago he had marched down this very same path with thousands of soldiers. Kili’s
sapphire in his cold hands was the only comfort he had, but it wasn’t enough.
They reached the battle site at night, the darkness was for once a source of
relief. Still, Thorin sat stiff and quiet in his carriage, looking nowhere but
the wooden panel before him as his fingers dug into his palms. Heavy rain
poured outside and the captain of the guard had suggested taking shelter, but
Thorin declined. He didn’t want to stop there—who knew what his ghosts would
come up with in this place. The gate of Moria wasn’t too far away and they were
already a couple of days late from their estimated arrival, so he insisted on
going. The weather meant that they moved slowly, a torture of its own, which
was compounded by the lightning flashing across the sky to show him the place
that had haunted him for years. It was quiet and deserted now, but it still
managed to unsettle Thorin, calling forth every death he had witnessed, every
life he had failed to safe. His old injuries throbbed, as if they had been made
months ago instead of decades prior. Thorin looked away, willing the carriage
to go faster.
At long last, the sight of the gate of Moria was a welcomed sight. It seemed to
take forever to have it opened for them, but once the party passed the
threshold and reached the shelter of the mountain, Thorin released a harsh
breath. It was only then that he realized he had been holding it. His hands
shook when he raised them, out of cold or something else, he couldn’t tell. He
took deep breaths as his carriage slowed to a stop and when he stepped out of
the carriage, he was mostly himself, at least to outsiders’ eyes. Inside, he
felt unsteady, as if floating in a dark space. The perpetual darkness of the
mine didn’t help. Thorin withheld a shiver, not wanting to be thought weak.
Gloin came forward immediately. “Welcome to Moria!” he announced proudly.
Thorin nodded in acknowledgement. “Thank you. Apologies for the late arrival.
The weather was truly foul.”
“There is no need for apologies! The weather has indeed been horrible for the
past few days,” Gloin said, gesturing toward the closing gate. “I was sure you
would arrive tomorrow when the rain has stopped.”
“We weren’t too far away when it hit, so I decided to keep going. It’s better
than spending the night in the open in this weather,” Thorin lied.
Gloin grunted in agreement. “I have asked for dinner to be prepared for you.
You must be in need of warmth after that horrible rain!”
After greeting Balin and hugging Oin, Gloin quickly led Thorin into a hall.
Gloin’s wife and son joined them shortly, but no one else but the attendants.
As it was past midnight, the other guests had retired to their chambers. Thorin
didn’t mind the small welcome, focusing instead on regaining warmth to his
body. The naturally cool air of the mine didn’t help remove the coldness that
had seeped into Thorin’s body on the road. Knowing this, Gloin ordered hearths
to be lit until heat and light spread across the large hall. Thorin made small
talks with the family over dinner, when he realized how famished he was. Meal
during travel tended to be more meager than what he was used to, and combined
with the poor weather, it hadn’t been enough to give him energy. It was little
wonder that Thorin felt mildly light-headed. Proper warm food and wine cured
that rather quickly and once he had had his fill, he was quite sleepy. He
managed a few more minutes of conversation before he excused himself,
exhausted. He was then led to the apartment where he was stay during the
duration of the visit, his host’s, Gloin’s, own apartment, naturally the
largest and most beautiful in the mine. Settling in his bed with weary bones
and body aching from the cold, Thorin was quietly glad he would finally have
proper rest now that he was safe and warm. However, just before dawn, he woke
up gasping, nails digging into the sheets, a river of blood in his mind,
thousands of scream in his ears. With his whole body trembling, he realized
with a sinking feeling that it wasn’t over yet.
===============================================================================
When the morning came, Thorin resolutely gave no indication of his lack of
rest. Perhaps he was a little slow, but everyone knew that he had just arrived
from a difficult travel, so no one suspected anything. Intent to keep it that
way, Thorin went about his morning routine without complaint. Without a single
window in the chamber, he couldn’t tell the weather outside, but one of the
attendants assured him that the poor weather had passed. The slight chill
remained however, but Thorin refused to give in and ask for thicker clothes.
Eventually, his body would grow accustomed to the cooler air deep in the
ground. It shouldn’t be too difficult. Erebor might have balconies and windows
overlooking the valleys, fields, and forests outside to let in fresh air and
sunlight, but in his busiest days, Thorin didn’t enjoy much of either of those.
Wrapping himself in things of comfort would only delay the adjustment, so
Thorin left his chamber in his usual garb, ignoring how unsuitable it felt for
the mine.
There was a strange stillness in Moria that unsettled Thorin. Erebor was
constantly bustling with activities. He rarely passed hallways that didn’t
contain any guard or attendant. Even in the middle of the night, there was
always someone around and if he touched the walls, he could feel the hum of
industry in the forge deep in the mountain. Not so with Moria. The hallways and
chambers were as dark and silent as a grave. Once in a while, Thorin thought he
heard whispers of conversations or clothes swishing with movements, but shadows
hid everyone but those standing near the sources of light. Large pillars seemed
to stretch endlessly to a non-existent ceiling, chambers and hallways seemed
infinite as the walls were hidden by darkness, guards might as well be statues
as they stood pale and unmoving just out of sight, even echoes of footfalls
seemed reluctant to be heard. If not for the attendants showing him the way,
Thorinw as sure he would be lost in the labyrinth of stone and shadows. The
whole mine seemed surreal, unnatural, mysterious, dangerous. It ignited
instincts honed by nights of sleeping in the open while hunting down enemies
who were hunting him. Moria was supposed to be safe, but Thorin couldn’t help
but wish he had his sword with him. As it was, he could only clenched his hands
into fists, body tense, eyes flickering around in search of enemy, his entire
being prepared for a fight.
Sounds of approaching footsteps, amplified by the stone walls, made him even
tenser. The echoes made it difficult to determine how many people were coming.
He still remembered when this preceded the arrival of an army of orcs, all of
them hungry for dwarf blood. Thorin at first took a fighting stance before he
saw the small dot of light heading toward him. It grew bigger by second until
it revealed Kili. Kili. He relaxed, fight and fear draining out of him. There
was no danger in Kili, only safety. Thorin smiled, waiting for his betrothed to
reach him, even though he wished to rush toward her and take her in his arms.
But, no matter how he missed her, no matter how the darkness deceived him into
thinking that there was privacy, they were in public. Kili might not care much
for discretion, but Thorin believed in propriety. Public space wasn’t a place
for affection. So, he stood in wait, willing her to come quick while reining
the desire that absence and reunion sparked. In his chest, his heart pounded
with excitement, the sapphire resting against his skin warming.
When Kili was before him, a wide smile split her lovely face. Her pale blue
dress seemed to almost glow in the low light, a silver star in the night sky.
For a moment, she seemed to want to forego manners and embrace Thorin, but she
stopped a few paces away to curtsey politely. When she looked up to him, he
could see her cheeks flushed with happiness, a stark contrast with the paleness
of the dwarfs of Moria. Her eyes sparkled like the stars and for one absurd
moment Thorin thought he needn’t see the sky again if he could spend the rest
of his life looking into Kili’s eyes. The line of thought embarrassed him and
he dipped his head to hide it.
“Kili. How are you?” Thorin asked, his voice miraculously calm considering his
heart was near bursting with happiness.
“Wonderful, thank you!” Kili replied. She bit her lip to contain herself. “How
are you? I heard you arrived very late last night. I hope the rain didn’t give
you too much trouble!”
Thorin shook his head, smiling. “It was no more than what I could handle.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Kili said sincerely, as if she had been fretting as
she waited for him. The thought of it warmed him. “It was an unusual weather
for the season.”
“Misty Mountains are known for its unpredictability. When did you arrive? I
hope it was a pleasant travel for you.”
“Oh, we arrived a couple of days ago. Bad weather caught us, too, when we
reached Misty Mountains, but we arrived before the worst of it hit the
mountains.” Kili narrowed her eyes, looking at Thorin up and down. “We were
lucky.”
The way Kili scrutinized Thorin indicated that she sensed that he wasn’t
entirely well. Though slightly embarrassed that he was caught in a ruse, Thorin
was also pleasantly surprised. Kili from a mere few months ago would
thoughtlessly question his health in front of others. Now, however, she was
careful to be discreet. Whether this was a result of her lessons or because she
had taken to heart Thorin’s words that kings had certain reputation to uphold,
he didn’t know. Regardless of the cause, it still made him very happy that Kili
would restrain herself in public for him. He knew it was against her nature, so
he promised himself to indulge her uncensored concern later. It wasn’t as if
this was a difficult task, for Thorin, too, delighted in his beloved’s
attention.
“Indeed,” Thorin said placidly. “It was horrible business to be out in the rain
in this terrain. Didn’t you say so yourself in Erebor?”
Kili blinked and slowly smiled, realizing that Thorin still remembered her
observation. “I did.”
Thorin smiled. “Now, I think we are both expected for breakfast. Shall we?” he
asked, gesturing to the long hall from where she came.
Kili pursed her lips but nodded. “I should like to hear about your travel
later,” she said as she fell into place beside Thorin, her words were careful,
minding that attendants tattled.
Thorin started walking, prompting the attendants to continue leading the way
and Kili to follow him. “I will tell you, once I have greeted the other lords.
Am I the last to arrive? If I recall correctly, the celebration will start
tomorrow.”
“There are a few lords who are expected to arrive today, but most of us have
arrived.” Kili paused and looked at Thorin from the corner of her eyes. “I
almost thought you wouldn’t come.”
Thorin smiled tenderly to her, overcame by disbelieve and joy that this lovely
young dwarf found him worthy of her attention. For once, he was grateful for
the dim light. It was the only thing masking his affection for her at the
moment. “Did you think I would turn around and return to Erebor just because of
a little rain? No. I won’t miss this occasion for the world,” he said, not
quite talking about Gimli’s coming of age.
A smile spread on Kili’s lips. They looked away from each other, not wanting to
reveal more than they had in front of their attendants. They talked a little
more about their respective travels and Kili’s family, safe topics they could
discuss in public. At the end of the hallway, Fili went to join them from where
he stood by a pillar. It was clear that he had initially come with his sister
but stayed back to allow her and Thorin have a moment together after so long a
separation. For this, Thorin nodded to him in gratitude. Although admittedly
rather disappointed that he didn’t have more time with Kili, he understood that
this was merely inevitability. Kili might be able to escape her parents and
brother’s supervision in Ered Luin, but here, in another colony, and especially
after the messages sent by Thorin alerting her family of his plan, it was
important that they were closely watched to avoid causing any talk.
The great hall of Moria was filled with lords and their families when Thorin
arrived with Fili and Kili. Conversations stopped when they noticed his arrival
and they bowed in show of respect. Thorin surveyed the crowd, assigning names
to faces. Even here the light was dim regardless of the many candles scattered
around the room, making it difficult for him to see everyone. Those who stood
nearby were easy to see, but the farther they were, the more they seemed to be
ghostly figures in the shadows. Thorin focused on those around him. Many of
them he was familiar with, but there were some he believed he had never met
before. These lords in particular seemed eager to have his audience and he
braced himself for lengthy conversations with them. Thorin felt it was too
early for politics, especially considering the rough night he had just had, but
he understood that politics was the main reason they were there. Fortunately,
Balin was already present among the guests. After decades of service, he
excelled in ending conversations when Thorin’s patience had thinned. Thorin
would need that skill to be put to use this morning.
Among the familiar faces, however, one stood out. Dain grinned widely at the
sight of Thorin and after a small nod instead of a bow, he approached Thorin to
give him a hearty hug. “Cousin!” he exclaimed.
Thorin returned his cousin’s grin. “I was hoping to see you here.”
“I can’t refuse visiting family, can I?” Dain laughed. Unlike Thorin, who
tended to be more reserved, Dain’s list of good friends knew no limit. He
seemed to know every dwarf lord in Middle Earth and, with few exceptions, he
was good friends with them. Among the Durin’s Folks, Dain was easily a
favorite, beloved by young and old for his bold (and occasionally vulgar)
personality. He would get along well with Kili, Thorin imagined. As if reading
Thorin’s mind, Dain looked past Thorin’s shoulders. “And these are….?”
Thorin gestured to the young dwarfs behind him. “They are the son and daughter
of the Lord of Ered Luin, Fili and Kili.” No further introduction was required
as Dain’s eyes already lit up with interest.
“At your service,” Fili and Kili chorused in a subdued way, minding that they
were in the audience of both the king of the dwarf race and the most powerful
of dwarf lords.
Dain nodded, looking at Kili closely in particular. The young dwarf in turn
studied him with curious eyes, something which seemed to please Dain, as he
then grinned widely. “I’ve heard so much great things about both of you.” But
it must be one in particular.
Kili and Fili glanced at each other, but it was Fili who spoke. “People tend to
exaggerate,” he said humbly.
“So you didn’t almost win Thorin’s annual summer competition on your first time
joining it? I have met the lad who bested you. No ordinary dwarf can match
him.”
Fili puffed out his chest proudly. Beside him, Kili looked at him with a wide
smile. “Thank you. It was a difficult match and in the end, the best dwarf
won.”
Dain scoffed. “From what I’ve heard, that was debatable.” Then, he turned
toward Kili, eyes twinkling as he studied her. “I’ve been looking forward to
meeting you, Kili. Your visit to Erebor was most fascinating.”
“Dain,” Thorin warned him in exasperation. Truly, his cousin sometimes had no
sense of propriety.
However, Kili took it in stride. “Indeed. Erebor is the most beautiful place
I’ve ever gone to. I won’t ever forget our stay.”
“It is a beautiful place,” Dain agreed. “But is that the only reason you will
always remember that visit?”
“Yes, the summer feast was the grandest spectacle I’ve ever seen. I had such
great time that day. Especially so, since Fili almost won the competition,”
Kili said demurely.
The answer was unexpectedly polite. Kili was never this diplomatic, even when
they were barely friends and only a king and his subject. In fact, she had
challenged him in their very first meeting. The dwarf before him now, however,
skillfully ignored Dain’s unsubtle teasing. Thorin had a strange sense that he
was facing a stranger even though he appreciated her refusal to indulge Dain’s
inappropriate jokes.
Refusing to give up a rare opportunity to embarrass his cousin, Dain went on.
“Just the feast? Is there nothing else memorable? Or shall I say no one else?”
The corners of Kili’s lips twitched, threatening to curve into a smile, a sign
of a crack of her unusual demeanor. Her eyes flitted to Thorin for a moment and
in there he saw a spark of the mischief he so loved. “I did meet some great
characters there.”
“But one character above others, I’m sure?” He grinned triumphantly, raising an
eyebrow at Thorin.
Further, increasingly inappropriate questioning was interrupted by an
announcement that breakfast was ready. The guests immediately migrated to
another hall to eat. Thorin naturally sat at the highest table, overlooking the
other guests. On either side of him, Gloin and Dain sat, being the host and
second most powerful person in the room, respectively. Unlike in Erebor where
Kili and her family sat far away from the king’s table, they were now easily
within view. The new seating arrangement, probably brought by Kili’s new status
in Thorin’s life, pleased both of them. No longer did they have to comb through
dozens of dwarfs to find each other. Now, a glance was enough to find each
other, although Kili studiously kept her gaze away from Thorin, save for few
instances she her eyes were drawn to his table only to dart away quickly. She
seemed a little quiet, not looking around the hall and laughing at whatever she
found amusing as she usually did. Was she ill? She had arrived when the weather
was still good, but the mine had odd effects on dwarfs. Vowing to inquire about
it later, Thorin now focused on valiantly trying to practice discretion. A
smile tugged at his lips whenever he sensed Kili’s eyes on him, feeling giddy
at her fascination toward him.
“I must say I never thought the day would come,” Dain said. He raised a thick
eyebrow playfully when Thorin turned to him. “I was under the impression that
you had no interest in marriage.”
Thorin cleared his throat. “I have been made aware of the error of my view,” he
said with dignity.
The effect he looked for failed to materialize. Dain laughed loudly, drawing
several gazes to their table. “I take it that she’s a persuasive one?” he
teased. He laughed again when Thorin refused to answer. “If she’s anything like
her mother, she must be!”
Thorin glanced at Kili, who was looking at him and Dain curiously, and smiled.
“She has Dis’ wit, but she’s her own person. I think you’ll find her a lot more
bold and tenacious than Dis ever is.”
“Is she, now? She didn’t seem that way earlier,” Dain wondered.
“Some of us are aware of the proper time and place for everything,” Thorin said
dryly.
Dain huffed as only lords who was raised to fear almost none could. “Bah!
Perfect manners are overrated. I thought Dis was quite extraordinary already.
If Kili is bolder, she must be quite a handful.”
“Not at all.” One had to be both bold and strong-willed to stand Thorin’s own
character. Docility would please him for only a moment, but would not capture
his heart.
“She has quite a character,” Gloin added from Thorin’s other side. He nodded to
Kili and her family with an amused smile. “Her family let her get away with
many things—some things some dwarfs would disapprove. She knows how to get her
way.”
“Do you know the family well?” Dain asked.
“I suppose you can say that.”
It seemed that the new seat arrangement wasn’t entirely due to the betrothal,
after all. Thorin had almost forgotten how influential Vilir had been to
warrant Balin’s concern. He might be little known in Erebor, but it was little
surprise that other lords were familiar with him. For a while, Thorin regretted
his previous reluctance to ever leave his home. Had he allowed himself to
travel, he might be acquainted with Kili and her family earlier. However, he
quickly dismissed the thought. Knowing Kili at a younger age would have just
made him more conflicted than he already had been. It had been difficult enough
for him to accept that she understood the change she must undertake to be his
consort now, let alone a few years ago. Thorin wouldn’t have dared to be near
her had his affection grown too soon.
“The whole of Moria talked about her antics when she visited a few years ago.
She tried to challenge Gimli to a spar and a race,” Gloin laughed, shaking his
head. “Silly little thing. It’s lucky that she’s handsome.”
Thorin looked at Gloin sharply, ready to correct his impudence. Unfortunately
(or perhaps fortunately,) Dain then inquired about the trade between Moria and
Ered Luin. As the conversation switched to economics, Thorin fought to overlook
his irritation. He looked at the full hall and wondered how many of them
thought Kili managed to gain his affection merely with her looks. True, he
found her appearance pleasantly striking, but it was conversations with her,
knowing her sharp mind and kindness, that finally convinced him to court her.
Thorin turned his eyes to Kili, who was talking to Fili quietly, unaware of how
her host had belittled her. Thorin gritted his teeth and forced himself to
contribute to the conversation with Gloin. He became more determined to give
Kili an opportunity to prove herself, and if he rather brusquely refused
Gloin’s latest plea to change their trade agreement, he refused to be blamed.
===============================================================================
The ceremony started early the next day. Moria was dressed for the occasion,
torches and candles lighting the dark space and banners carrying Durin’s Folks
symbol were draped on walls and pillars. The mine seemed to hum with
excitement. The once silent halls now echoed conversations and hasty footsteps.
The guests’ clothes lent splashes of color to the dull grey stones. There was
subdued excitement in the air that would escalate as the day progressed and
formality was dismissed for proper celebration. For now, the honored guests,
lords and ladies from near and far quietly waited in the great hall of Moria,
chatting quietly as they waited for the event to start. They spoke of Gimli and
his many achievements and talents. Those who were familiar with the young dwarf
sang praises for him, while those were weren’t listened carefully and nodded in
agreement. Being one of Durin’s Folks, there was great expectation placed upon
him. Everyone couldn’t wait to see him grow into their peer and wondered what
changes he would bring to their people. This was a day of hope and everyone was
properly thrilled by it.
Thorin struggled to share the excitement, however. He had spent the previous
day patiently listening to grievances and compliments from the lords. A few
times he had tried to excuse himself to rest or to spend time with Kili as he
had promised, but they were persistent and there seemed to be no end to those
who sought his time. Even Balin hadn’t been much helped as he was similarly
overwhelmed by people asking for his counsel. The brief moments of rest Thorin
had were during meal, where he had to bear Gloin’s ceaseless request to
renegotiate their trade agreement. Dain had provided pleasant distraction with
his funny quips, but only just. At the end of the day, Thorin laid on his bed
completely exhausted. But rest was again short lived for him as he was awoken
by nightmare that left him trembling. It had taken him what seemed to be hours
to calm himself and go back to sleep, and even then he wasn’t able to sleep
peacefully.
When Thorin woke that morning feeling sluggish, he knew he wasn’t well. For a
moment he considered not attending the event and asking Oin to examine
him—everyone knew he had been caught in bad weather for days and nights and
would surely understand. However, a sense of familial responsibility stopped
him from doing either. He was here to see Gimli being formally initiated into
the world of adults, an important point in every dwarf’s life, especially those
in high station. It was important for Gimli and Gloin to have Thorin, who was
both a direct descendant of Durin and the King under the Mountain, witness this
ceremony. His presence was the highest recognition one could have and Thorin
intended to give it to them. And, after all, what was a little sluggishness?
Thorin had suffered worse, pain that made it near impossible for him to be on
his feet. He could bear this small inconvenience for a day and hopefully after
some rest and hearty meal during the feast, it would go away.
Taking a deep breath, Thorin resisted the urge to look back and search for
Kili. He hadn’t been able to spare but a few minutes for her yesterday. She
hadn’t said anything, but she was clearly disappointed, and she was not the
only one. This was their first meeting in half a year and Thorin wanted nothing
more than to steal her to a corner and look and listen to her. Letters only
alleviated so much of his longing, words only conveyed so much of thoughts and
feelings. He wished to hear and see for himself what he had read. Thorin had
seen Kili when he entered the hall just now. She was seated with her family a
couple of rows behind him. They shared a warm look, but nothing more. Now as
Thorin sat waiting for the event to start while fighting off lethargy, he
wished he could make her sit beside him, lending him comfort and strength she
had in abundance.
Balin and Dain quietly discussed what was to be expected from the day, but
Thorin merely listened, saving his energy for what he knew would be a long day.
When at long last Gloin and his family joined them, Thorin breathed a quiet
sigh. The vibration that filled the hall as they sang songs of old, of glory
and responsibilities, soothed him. There was comfort in this familiarity and in
the joined voices of dozens of dwarfs. Thorin sang quietly along with them,
remembering the easier time of his youth. It was never truly easy for him, of
course, as he was always keenly aware of the weight of his duty. Still, it had
been a time where he had relatively more freedom, when he was allowed to make
mistakes and experiment. Thorin still remembered riding his pony for hours on
end and exploring cities with his friends, things he couldn’t do with as much
ease today. He remembered sneaking into cheap taverns with his friends,
fighting with drunken patrons, and flirting any young dwarf lass who looked his
way. He missed those things sometimes, especially when he was inundated with
matters of his kingdom. But, Balin and Dwalin were always willing to provide
him company, either by way of boisterously entertaining him with drunken fun or
quietly reminiscing the past, if he so asked and Thorin certainly didn’t miss
flirting with anyone but his intended.
There was silence filled with anticipation as Gloin stood before his honored
guests and called upon his son. The guests watched in rapt attention as Gimli
stood waiting to be gifted with his first real weapon. Everyone wanted to know
what it would be. Some had weapons made for the occasion, beautiful things made
to be showcased and to be used to fight enemies. These weapons were usually
adjusted with the young dwarfs’ personalities or expectations placed upon them.
Some preferred them glittering with jewels; others liked them formidable-
looking; yet others, such as Fili, chose the unusual route of making something
completely new. Thorin still remembered the sword his father had gifted him. It
had been an old sword which used to belong to one of his forebears. It had been
quite heavy and unusually long, but perfect for his stature. Once sharpened and
the grip fixed and reinforced, it had become a weapon to fear. Thorin still
remembered the thrill of using it for the first time, accustoming himself to
its force and weight. It was a pity that the sword had been broken in the
battle of Azanulbizar. Thorin had had many magnificent swords since, but
nothing could replace the significance of that first sword.
Gloin seemed to think in similar vein as Thorin’s father. The weapon he gave
Gimli was his own axe, the one that had saved his life when the dwarfs came to
retake Moria from orcs. Unlike Thorin’s first sword, however, the axe was
unaltered as it was still relatively new. From his seat nearest to the father
and son, Thorin could see faint scratches along its sharp side. But, this
didn’t mean that the weapon was inferior to newly-made ones. The edge looked
sharp enough to easily cut through flesh and bones and the design allowed ease
of use. It had been tested on many enemies and thus held great historical
significance that was passed on to Gimli, who would one day take his father’s
place ruling the deep mine of Moria, defending it from any threat which might
come. Gimli seemed to understand this, too, examining his new axe in awe and
reverence. Thorin smiled in approval. That was the perfect choice for the young
lord’s first weapon.
Songs of celebrations were sung and then they were politely directed to move to
where a large feast had been prepared. This might seem to be the beginning of a
celebratory fun, but it was to be Gimli’s first experience of sitting among
dwarf lords as their equal. He was expected to mingle, to build friendships and
mentorships of his own instead of standing under Gloin’s shadow. This was the
beginning of his political career and there was no time to waste. It was rare
to have so many powerful lords in one place. He should take the opportunity to
introduce himself and build good rapport with them, perhaps even develop close
alliance. It wasn’t unheard of that young dwarfs who met in these events to
marry later. The wait was longer now that Thorin had raised the bar for
marriageable age, but it hadn’t stopped the practice. Many young dwarfs married
mere days after they came of age, their weddings had been long in planning.
Thorin had thought his and Kili’s wait was long, but it must be nothing
compared to them, although he understood that not all of them quite shared the
passion and affection and thus impatience that he and Kili had.
Few other races matched dwarfs’ love for parties. Dwarfs were quick to use any
excuse to celebrate and could easily turn even the most solemn affairs into a
happy one filled with music, dance, great food, and even greater drink. There
had been a period in Thorin’s life when, away from the rigid rules at home, he
spent nights in a row celebrating life. With Dwalin and his other friends, he
had visited different taverns every night, drinking and dancing until they
couldn’t and returning to their humble cots, too drunk to be aware of any
discomfort, at least until the next day. Thorin did no such thing anymore. Now
he spent more of his nights alone and when he did go to feasts, he made sure to
drink and eat in moderation to preserve his dignity, which would otherwise be
lost in a state of inebriation. Nevertheless, he still enjoyed such
celebrations, finding joy in watching others be happy. It was his one of his
greatest pleasures, knowing that his people were happy, even if he didn’t
partake in the celebrations with them.
This time, however, Thorin felt little joy. As the music started and the
minstrel began to sing, he felt increasingly unsettled. He swept his gaze
across the full hall before him and couldn’t help but note the shadows which
lingered around them no matter how many candles were lit and how many torches
burnt. Underneath the delicious scents of food and wine and perfume, there was
a persistent scent of old stones, of history unseen, of time, of death. The
happy songs seemed out of place, almost inappropriate, here. Hundreds of dwarfs
had perished just outside this mine to reclaim it from orcs. Hundreds more died
when they tried to chase away orcs from the deep, seemingly endless tunnels of
Moria. It seemed to Thorin that this was a place for reflection and mourning,
not for songs and dances. It was an insensible thought, of course. Many dwarfs
lived and worked in Moria. To them it was a home, a place where they grew up
and started families of their own or spent the rest of their days dedicating
themselves to their crafts. While there was no way to remove the past, this was
also now a place of happiness and future. Still, it didn’t feel right for
Thorin to party in a place where decades ago he had lost many friends and
families.
Looking around, it seemed that he was the only one. Balin and Oin were
conversing with old friends, the silence which had wrapped around them on the
road nowhere to be seen. On his side, Dain laughed at the minstrel’s songs,
spurring the dwarf to perform even more ridiculous tunes. Older dwarfs who
Thorin knew had joined the battle seemed content, unbothered by the scene
before them. Thorin focused on the plate before him, feeling mildly ashamed
that he was so affected. He couldn’t blame anyone, for this was indeed a happy
day. There was a great cause of celebration: the coming of age of a Durin. They
were excited for the future promised by Gimli, a fine young lord seemed to be
liked by many. The past should not bear them down, most especially on this day.
“Is the food not to your liking?” Gimli asked, noticing that Thorin had eaten
the cooling soup at a very sedate pace.
Thorin shook his head and put on a polite smile. “On the contrary, it’s very
delicious. I don’t believe I have had this before,” he lied.
Gimli grinned widely, betraying his age in his pride. “It’s made especially for
the occasion. I’m sure it’s nothing compared to what you’ve had in Erebor—you
see, we don’t have as much food variety as other regions—but I’m glad it has
met your approval.”
“I see.” Thorin commented mildly, glancing at Gloin, who sat between him and
Gimli. Gloin sipped his wine surreptitiously as Thorin wondered if he had set
his son to the task of prompting a discussion about their trade agreement.
Thorin wasn’t as impolite as to refuse Gimli on a day celebrating his coming of
age. However, it didn’t mean he wished to discuss politics here and now and had
experience in changing the course of conversation. “Are you skilled in using
axes? I have never seen you combat in my summer tournament.”
“I have never joined your tournament,” Gimli admitted. “The last time I went to
Erebor, I was too young to join.”
“You should join it when you can. I would like to see your skill. What other
weapons are you proficient in?”
If there was ever a topic to distract a dwarf from gold, it was weaponry. Gimli
excitedly told Thorin about his numerous trainings and the dwarfs he had
bested. Thorin found him to be more passionate than Gloin was, but it was to be
expected that one his age wasn’t yet as tempered as older dwarfs. He listened
to Gimli quietly, nodding every now and then, and asking very little, content
to let the young dwarf speak for himself. Despite the enthusiasm, Gimli was
never slipped even once when speaking to his king. It was a good sign. If he
could hold himself well in front of Thorin, he should be able to win the other
dwarf lords. With this in mind and also because he could feel the beginning of
returning fatigue, Thorin bid him to talk to Dain. His cousin presented a
different kind of challenge with his brash personality. It would be interesting
to see whether Gimli would be overwhelmed by him or maintain his composure. If
he were to be a good dwarf lord, he must know how to converse with various
kinds of lords, and he should start the lesson now.
Thorin watched Gimli leave the table to find Dain, who had gone to dance as
soon as he had his fill of meal and wine. On the way, he paused to greet Vilir.
Despite the distance, it was clear that he was familiar with the family,
laughing jovially when Dis said something and squeezing Fili’s arm in a display
of friendship. Thorin raised an eyebrow when Gimli leaned forward to speak to
Kili. She laughed at what she said and playfully waved him away. It was clear
that they were close friends, yet she had never mentioned him. She didn’t have
to, of course, and Thorin felt he had no right to demand to know every single
facet of her life, whether they were engaged to be married or not. He trusted
her to tell him what he needed to know. Her thoughts and feelings were hers to
keep, to be entrusted if she desired, not if Thorindesired. Still, he thought
it curious that she never spoke of Gimli when they seemed to be good friends.
“What do you think of him?” Gloin asked of his son.
“He is a fine dwarf,” Thorin replied, watching Gimli. “I can think of few who
can match his manners and skills at his age. I predict he will make a name for
himself in Middle Earth.” Thorin might have been a little excessive in his
compliment, but he did believe that Gimli had great potentials, so he hadn’t
lied.
Gloin either didn’t notice or didn’t care about how sincere Thorin’s words
were. “He is, isn’t he?” he chuckled proudly, his face flushed from both pride
and wine. He wasn’t intoxicated, but clearly wasn’t unaffected by the amount he
had drunk, either. “I did notice his talents. I’m glad you agree.”
Parents tended to be biased toward their children, but this time perhaps it
wasn’t without reason. “What are your plans for him? From the way he spoke of
combat, I’m guessing he’s leaning toward military.”
“That is certainly part of the plan,” Gloin confirmed. “But he needs to polish
his political skills. He won’t enjoy the tediousness, but it’s necessary, don’t
you agree? I’m thinking of sending him to be mentored either by Balin or Vilir
at some point.”
“Vilir?” Thorin echoed in surprise. “Both of you are closer than I thought,
then. I’m surprised he has never mentioned it to me.”
“Well, I won’t say we’re that close,” Gloin said, waving his hand dismissively.
“But there’s no denying he has great skill in politics. Balin does, too, of
course. But a younger mind has its strengths.”
“Balin does tend to be more conservative,” Thorin agreed, wondering the exact
nature of the relationship between Gloin and Vilir. They were clearly not
strangers, but something was a little off in how Gloin spoke of Vilir.
Gloin grunted. “Whereas Vilir was the complete opposite of him.”
Thorin regarded Gloin curiously. “I suppose you don’t fully approve of him.”
“Politically, he has undeniable talent, but I have doubts about his mentoring
skills.” He huffed and took a generous gulp of his refilled wine. “He raised
Fili well, but he—and Dis, as well—clearly are too lenient to their daughter,
letting her run around doing whatever she fancied, not knowing her place.”
Thorin’s anger was ignited so fast that he was left light-headed. His fingers
twitched, longing to bodily defend Kili’s honor, and there were rude words at
the tip his tongue. He was tempted to forget where they were. Public place be
damned. Thorin couldn’t remember being this enraged for a long time. He didn’t
have the most patient character, true, but he tried to hold back his temper
when it reared its head. Now he was struggling to keep his composure as a
temperamental part of his mind pointed out that no one would dare argue or
intervene if the king publicly came to argument or even fight, especially when
the cause was disrespect toward his intended. No one spoke of Kili this way.
Though she was indeed lax in her manners, she had been nothing but sweet and
kind to everyone. Those attitudes, to say nothing of her other excellent
traits, were more than enough to warrant some display of respect!
“She thought herself a lad, challenging people to duels and following her
father and brother everywhere. That tongue of hers would get her into so many
troubles if her parents let her keep it unchecked,” Gloin continued in
disapproval, unaware of Thorin’s raising rage. “Although, I see that she has
changed. I suppose she’s learnt to stay in line now that she is to wed you. And
not a moment too soon!”
Thorin ground his teeth. As a show of respect to his host, he had foregone
weaponry, but now he wished he had at least a blade. No. His fists were enough.
Gloin was well-trained, but with the state of his intoxication and Thorin’s
rage, it would be easy to catch him unaware with a punch. A bloodthirsty side
of Thorin, the one he always carefully reined even in battles, demanded bruises
and blood and not even those would atone for the insult Gloin had given. Thorin
would have delivered them had it not for Dain’s loud guffaw. Looking over,
Thorin saw him standing in front of Kili, seemingly trying to ask her hand for
a dance. The sight of his lover reminded Thorin that he had to act carefully.
He wanted to gain support for her and other ladies from the present lords and
publicly fighting his host would not help him achieve that end. In fact, it
might do the complete opposite. He thought of Balin’s reminder of how he could
be viewed to be under Kili and her family’s influence. He couldn’t lose his
temper and ruin their plan.
Still, Thorin couldn’t let the offense go unpunished. “I always find her
behaviors to be completely within the line,” he said coldly.
Gloin glanced at him. “Of course,” he said insincerely. “She is young. Mistakes
are bound to happen.”
“She has made her mistakes, but all of them are due to her complete honesty and
I intend to keep as much of that quality as possible.”
“Honesty is important in marriage,” Gloin said testily, raising an eyebrow.
Thorin nodded. “And politics,” he added.
Gloin’s eyes widened. “You can’t possibly mean…”
“I absolutely mean it,” Thorin growled. “When Kili is my consort, you will
listen, obey, and respect her as you do me.”
Clearly, Gloin was not sold on the idea. He made a noise of disbelief. “That
lass? She has a pretty face, Thorin, and people will adore her no doubt. But to
let her take part in politics?” He didn’t continue. He shouldn’t, if he knew
what’s best for his life.
It was all Thorin could do to keep from raising his voice. “That pretty face
conceals more intelligence and courage than half of the lords in this hall. I
very much intend to have her counsel in the future, as well as the counsel of
other similarly brilliant ladies.”
There were many ways to break this sort of news and convince others to see
one’s point. Though Thorin admitted that he wasn’t the best in that sort of
negotiation, preferring to leave the matter to his advisors, he still knew the
basics of it. Thorin knew this wasn’t one of those methods. If anything, he was
more likely to gain an enemy by speaking to Gloin this way. But, he didn’t
care, not after how Gloin had condescended Kili. Thorin glared at Gloin, daring
him to argue. Being a hot-headed dwarf, Gloin didn’t disappoint.
“That is just ridiculous!” Gloin scoffed. “I didn’t believe people when they
said you were taken over by youth, but I see now they might not be completely
off the mark! Fascination could only go so far, Thorin. You can’t let the lass
cloud your better judgment!”
Lightly shaking in anger, Thorin’s was ready to say some scathing words about
narrow-mindedness and poor intelligence, but Dain came between them with a
large grin, unaware of what was taking place. “Aren’t you going to dance,
Thorin?” he asked.
“I’d rather not,” Thorin snapped.
Dain laughed, not taking offense. “You should! Kili looks very lonely there.
I’ve tried asking her for a dance but she refused. She’s been waiting for you.”
Thorin turned to look at Kili and indeed saw her watching the dancers
longingly. He realized she hadn’t left her seat at all since the start of the
feast. Even when Fili went to dance, she remained where she was. Of course
she’d want to dance, but she wasn’t so free to do so with just anyone anymore,
except for Fili. Yet, she refused to dance with her brother. However, as eager
as Thorin was to relieve her of that want, he still felt it’s inappropriate to
dance. Moria wasn’t a place for celebration to him. Guilt hung heavy over him
just at the thought of enjoying his time in a place where he lost his
grandfather and uncountable friends. It felt that he would betray their memory
by dancing here with Kili.
“Go before someone steals her away!” Dain laughed, slapping Thorin’s back with
a force that would hurt lesser dwarfs.
It was doubtful anyone would dare to try that, but Thorin rose from his seat,
knowing that Dain wouldn’t leave him alone otherwise and worried that he might
completely lose his composure the longer he spoke with his host. He spared once
last glare to Gloin, who was shaking his head incredulously, probably thinking
of how Thorin was spoiling Kili. This wasn’t the end of their conversation.
Thorin expected his stay to be filled with tension if not outright arguments.
With luck on Gloin’s side, Balin would be present the next time he and Thorin
talked about this, as Thorin wasn’t inclined on controlling himself so well if
Gloin insisted on his condescending view. This was no longer a matter of
politics. Once he had insulted Kili, it was personal, and Thorin was far less
forgiving in this case.
Thorin’s head spun a little when he stood up. It seemed that he had drunk too
much on very little food. He quickly steadied himself and made his way to Kili,
who was hard pressed not to smile at him when she saw him approaching. Despite
the lingering annoyance at Gloin and hesitation in partaking in celebration
here, Thorin couldn’t help but smile to Kili. She had a strange ability to
cause happiness and making one forget life’s hardship, at least for a moment.
She politely accepted his request for a dance and slinked out of her seat and
to his side, looking up at him happily. Thorin answered this with a light
squeeze on her hand, the most affectionate gesture he could do with dozens
pairs of eyes on them. He swallowed his unease and ignored the gloomy reminder
of the significance of the mine and the screams of fallen dwarfs. Just for a
moment, he should forget for Kili’s sake.
“I thought you wouldn’t dance,” Kili commented, barely able to hide her
delight.
“I wasn’t going to,” Thorin admitted. Spinning made him dizzy but despite
decades of disuse, his skill allowed him to find his footing easily.
“What changed your mind?”
“You,” Thorin said simply. He frowned when Kili duck her head to hide her grin.
“Dain mentioned that you wished for a dance.”
At this, Kili paused. “But you actually don’t want to?” Thorin’s answering
silence upset her. “You shouldn’t have if you don’t want to dance! I don’t
mind!” she reprimanded him so quietly he almost didn’t hear her.
Thorin tightened his grip slightly on Kili’s hand when she tried to tug it
away. “I don’t mind. I never mind spending time with you,” he assured her. “And
I need to be away from my table for a moment.” He grimaced, thinking of how
close he had come to loud verbal spar, if not violent blows, in front of
everyone to see.
Kili looked at him in confusion and then looked at his table. “Is it Gloin? I
noticed you had quite an intense conversation with him earlier,” she said
perceptively.
“I suppose you could say that,” Thorin said wryly.
Kili frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Should Thorin tell her? It had to do with her, but he felt he should spare her
the insult. He still remembered his conversations with her on the night he
proposed to her. He knew that she worried about what people thought of her,
especially in her new position, and he didn’t want to upset her. Thorin dreaded
to think of how she would react to the public speaking so poorly of her.
Already she was under pressure to be perfect; she didn’t need this opinion to
add to her burden—after all, improving public’s view of oneself was a challenge
as no other. Furthermore, he seemed to be close to Gimli and, by Gloin’s own
admission, their families were well-acquainted. It would make her very unhappy
to know that Gloin thought so little of her. Thorin decided not to tell her the
truth, or at least not now. He would not ruin this rare visit for her.
“I’ll tell you later,” he said, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb,
wishing he could smooth out the furrows between her brows with a kiss.
Kili nodded. “If you prefer not to dance, you can join the guests seeking fresh
air. I’m sure they’ll be glad to keep you company.”
Thorin smiled at her thoughtfulness. “I think I shall do that.”
The dance didn’t end soon enough for Thorin’s taste, but at least it satisfied
Kili. He knew she wished to dance with him more, but she didn’t press for it at
all after knowing his discord with Gloin. They parted—Kili returning to her
family and Thorin joining the lords and ladies who had wandered to the corridor
just outside the hall. With the massive doors opened, they hadn’t fully escaped
the noise and somewhat suffocating air filled with scents of food, wine,
perfume, smoke, and candlewax. Still, the slight distance helped somewhat.
Thorin took a deep breath and gazed into the darkness of Moria. There were
flickers of light in the distance, but they were faint and might as well not be
there. Music and laughter were echoed back by rocks as eerie whispers. Thorin
swallowed thickly, remembering the time when even the walls were covered by
goblins. When a lord gathered his courage and approached him, he quietly sighed
in relief for the distraction from his memory.
When Thorin returned inside, feeling that his absence was getting too long to
be deemed respectful, his feelings of the host notwithstanding, Gloin was
fortunately gone from his seat. Drunken, he danced with his wife to a merry
song. Knowing him and his complete adoration to his wife, he was unlikely to
stop dancing anytime soon. Feeling secure in this knowledge, Thorin sit down on
his chair with Dain to keep him company. The feast passed in a blur. Though
Thorin tried to pace his drinking and took a few more breaks for fresh air, he
felt increasingly faint. There was sickness at the pit of his stomach and any
kind of loud noise seemed to be direct assault to his brain. It became
difficult for him to follow what was happening around him, even Dain’s
entertaining story became a jumble of words to him. Thorin realized then than
his illness from earlier in the morning had returned and grown worse. He was
forced to utilize all of his self-control just to look composed when in reality
he was anything but. Fortunately, by that point everyone else was too
intoxicated to notice anything wrong with him. Even Dain, who sat beside him,
didn’t realize this. It was thus a relief when the feast finally ended late
into the night and Thorin could stagger to his chamber, using drunkenness as an
excuse for his unsteadiness, although he hadn’t drunk half the amount that
would intoxicate him. As he collapsed into yet another restless sleep, Thorin
dreaded the coming morning.
===============================================================================
The illness didn’t pass during the night; it grew worse. Thorin was faint and
shaking when his attendants came to his chamber. Remaining standing became a
difficult task that left him breathing harshly at the end of it, leaning
heavily against his desk. His attendants voiced their concern, but he waved it
off. This wasn’t the right time or place to be ill. With many lords expecting
his presence and hoping for his audience, he could not be absent. There was the
matter of maintaining a powerful image. There were some whom Gloin had invited
that Thorin didn’t fully trust and considering the argument he had had the
previous night, it was best to not give away any weakness lest people accused
him of being manipulated by his emotions. Later, he would make some excuses to
be away from public, but for now he had to go. With these in mind, Thorin
slowly made his way to the hall to have breakfast.
Breakfast was fortunately a subdued affair with many of the guests still
nursing the effects of the pervious nights’ overindulgence. Even Gloin, who sat
beside Thorin, was relatively quiet except to make awkward enquiries on whether
Thorin had enjoyed the feast and what he planned to do today. Thorin certainly
didn’t plan on leaving his apartment for at least one day and said as much, but
less detailed. They didn’t talk much afterward but Dain, who was one of the few
in the hall still himself, all too happily kept a conversation going between
them. Thorin surreptitiously glanced at Kili and quietly sighed. This would be
their only meeting of the year and he hated wasting a moment away from her, but
he wasn’t so foolish as to deny himself some rest in the situation. He knew
that he would be expecting some guests seeking his counsel, a taxing tax made
even more difficult in his current state. He couldn’t afford to spend what
little opportunity he had to rest to be with Kili. With some luck, he would
recover in a day or two and then he could accompany her. For now, however, he
hoped Kili understood when he only smiled at her as he left the hall to return
to his chamber.
In the privacy of his chamber, Thorin allowed himself a long, albeit quiet,
sigh. He considered calling for Oin for some remedy but decided against it. If
it was lack of rest that caused him discomfort, it would go away after a proper
sleep. However, ingrained discipline disallowed Thorin from resting when the
day had barely started. Sickness or no sickness, he wasn’t to be lazy, lying in
bed when the rest of the world bustled with activities. So, after sending an
attendant to bring him a bottle of wine should he need to reinvigorate himself,
Thorin settled on a chair to read. Ideally, he would do so in front of a large
window that would allow sunlight to help him see the writings and to keep him
warm. But, deep in Moria, there was no such thing. Instead, he sat near the
fireplace, which had been lit to keep the room warm. The heat of fire was
different from the warmth of the sun, but this would have to do for now.
Thorin had just managed to focus on the words in the book when an attendant
announced that his first guests of the day, Fili and Kili, had come to see him.
He sat up in surprise. It wasn’t exactly common for a lady to visit her
fiancé’s apartment, but he supposed after his lack of attention during
breakfast just now, it was expected that Kili would want to meet him. No doubt
the unusual nature of her visit was the reason she asked Fili to accompany her
instead of her mother, who usually chaperoned their meetings. In fact, Thorin
was almost certain Dis and Vilir didn’t know where their daughter was. Thorin
left his chair and let his attendant led him to a nearby parlor. It took him a
moment to orient himself, his sense of balance hanging by a thread due to his
sickness. He staggered just slightly before he found his footing and when he
exited his bedchamber, he was the proud king he was known to be.
The moment Thorin entered the room, Fili and Kili stood up from their seats.
For a while he worried he would be ambushed by questions, or something else
even more embarrassing, seeing the look of deep concern on Kili’s face. But it
wasn’t until they exchanged bows and Thorin sent guards away that the young
dwarfs spoke.
“Please forgive our intrusion. Kili insists on seeing you,” Fili said with some
discomfort. It was clear he knew how not right it was for them to be there.
But, as usual, he couldn’t resist his sister.
Kili approached Thorin. “You left so quickly and barely talked to anyone. Is
there anything wrong?” she asked, a worried frown marring her face.
“There’s nothing wrong,” Thorin lied.
But illness had taken away some of his voice, leaving it rough and airy. He was
nowhere near as imposing and self-assured as he usually was. Kili noticed this
at once. “Are you unwell?”
Thorin sat down, pulling Kili to sit beside him. He barely paid any mind as
Fili sat at a chair a little away from them and produced a small book from one
of his pockets to distract himself. “It’s exhaustion,” Thorin said to Kili.
Kili would not be so easily assured, however. She touched the back of his hand
and looked at Thorin in alarm. “You have a fever! Have you asked for a healer?”
“There’s no need for commotion.” Thorin shook his head, smiling at her tiredly.
Wonderful as her care was, he didn’t quite have the energy to express the
appropriate appreciation. Perhaps he was more ill than he had thought if he
couldn’t fully enjoy Kili’s presence. “The feast took a lot from me. I only
need a nap to be myself again.”
Kili studied Thorin closely with a frown. “I think it’s more than that,” she
stated. “You were already very lethargic last night when we danced. There was
no fever yet, I’m sure of it, but this is definitely not caused by the feast.”
Thorin sighed wearily. He wanted to argue but sickness had drained fight out of
him. It was difficult to conjure up lies when one’s head was swimming so
terribly. “That was excellent observation.”
“Thorin,” Kili reproached sternly, her mother’s predisposition shining through.
She put her hand atop his. The coolness of it told Thorin just how terrible his
fever was. “You won’t help yourself or anyone by hiding this. Was it the rain?”
Thorin looked down at their hands. He hated appearing weak and the current
circumstance disallowed him to be so. But, he knew Kili was right. He wasn’t
doing himself any favor by hiding his sickness. So far it was mere fever, but
Thorin knew if left untreated it could get worse, and there could be no worse
time or place to be ill. “Yes,” he finally admitted. Then, after a moment of
thought, he added, “Partially.”
Kili’s frown deepened in confusion. “Partially?”
Thorin studied Kili closely, gauging how she would react to his dark
confession. She would never turn him away, he was confident of that. But, it
was such a delicate condition that she might want to keep some distance from
him after knowing it. Thorin understood that it could be difficult to handle
and he would not blame Kili for withdrawing a little in either confusion,
discomfort, or both. He only hoped that the withdrawal would not be permanent,
that his admission would not completely scare her away. It didn’t matter if
Kili didn’t wish to deal with the past hounding him. Thorin didn’t mind facing
the ghosts alone as he always had, as long as he knew that when they had
passed, he was still welcomed at Kili’s side. Thorin turned his hand so he
could hold Kili’s.
“This mine, Moria, holds unpleasant memories for me. They usually leave me well
enough alone. But here they insist on keeping me company, keeping rest away
from me,” he confessed.
“Oh,” Kili breathed, her eyes wide in realization.
Thorin nodded slowly. “I have had little rest since we neared this mine and the
rain didn’t help.”
“Well, then,” Kili started, obviously at a loss of word. This sort of admission
required delicate response and she clearly struggled for it. Thorin smiled
thinly and waited wearily. “Have you looked for help?”
“I considered talking to Balin and Oin, but they were occupied.” If they didn’t
expose how the past had also haunted them on the way here, Thorin wouldn’t
presume he was allowed to share it.
“They couldn’t be so occupied they would leave you to suffer!” Kili exclaimed
in dismay. “You must tell them as soon as you can!”
“I will,” Thorin promised although he knew not when he could fulfill it.
“For now you must recover from your fever! You should rest!”
Thorin chuckled. “It’s too early for a nap, isn’t it?”
“Not too early for the sick!” Kili argued.
From his seat, Fili looked at them in confusion, uncertain if he should
intervene or not. Thorin smiled to him, feeling sorry that he was caught in a
spat, but grateful for his presence as Kili would be near impossible to move if
Thorin was on his own. In other situations, he was confident he would be able
to handle her strong mind, but his fever made the task difficult. Already, he
felt lightheaded. Words came with difficulty to him as he sought Fili’s help.
“Moria has a great many places to explore. Mithril can only be found here. You
should take the opportunity to see it mined.”
Recognizing the dismissal as it was, Fili pocketed his book and stood up. “That
sounds interesting. Come on, Kili. You have never seen mithril mined, have
you?”
Kili glared at her brother. “I want to make sure that he is recovering!”
“Kili…” Fili sighed in exasperation.
The siblings’ argument was interrupted by a knock on the door. Thorin’s hazy
mind had just registered the names announced when Gloin, Dain, Balin, and Gimli
entered the parlor. They didn’t seem surprised to see Fili and Kili there,
perhaps having been informed of their presence before they entered the parlor.
Thorin thought he saw Gloin narrowed his eyes disdainfully at Kili but he
couldn’t be sure. Even his sight was compromised. Perhaps Kili was right. It
wasn’t a customary time to nap, but he was increasingly ill and indeed in dire
need of rest, if not medication. He didn’t think, however, it was a possibility
now that his visitors had increased in number. He didn’t want to think of how
many more were waiting for an opportunity to talk to him.
“Apologies for our sudden visit. I see you already have company,” Balin said
affably, smiling to Fili and Kili. “Gloin told me you have no plan for the rest
of the day, so I think this is a perfect opportunity to give young Gimli here
his first taste of true politics.”
Dain disagreed, however. He scoffed. “Nonsense! Politics can wait. Thorin very
rarely travels, so let him have his fun! Come, cousin! I haven’t sparred with
you for so long! I recall we still haven’t decided who is best between us!”
Expectant looks were sent to Thorin from all of his guests. Of the suggestions,
Kili’s was the most sensible, Dain’s the most tempting, and Balin’s the most
undesirable. Thorin must rest. With a lot of luck, he would improve in a matter
of hours. Though, considering how persistently sleep had evaded him since a few
days ago, he would be lucky if he recovered in a few days, but that would not
do at all and so he must avoid exerting himself and take every opportunity to
recuperate in order to return to good health immediately. On the other hand,
Thorin wasn’t one to pass up a challenge. It had indeed been many years since
he last sparred with Dain. Their powers were more or less equal and Dain never
tried to hold back merely because Thorin’s station was above him, making
training with him a great fun. Although in his current condition Thorin had
little confidence in besting his cousin, he was still dearly tempted to try.
However, Thorin understood why Balin was here. He had delayed discussing the
trade agreement with Moria for too long. It was understandable that Gloin was
anxious to do it now that Thorin was visiting and had nowhere to avoid him.
Gimli’s presence was a mere guarantee for Thorin’s acceptance, for Thorin
couldn’t deny him an excellent first-hand lesson.
“As tempting as your invitation is, Dain, Gimli needs his lesson more than you
do,” Thorin said, pushing himself up to his feet and earning himself an
indignant exclamation. Even this simple act was made difficult by the fever.
His body felt heavy, far too heavy even for his well-trained muscles to move.
He doubted he could lift an axe at this point.
Kili said nothing, but the look of reproach she gave Thorin conveyed her
disapproval very well. Thorin sighed and regarded his future wife with a
resigned smile. “I must go. I promise I will rest as soon as I can.”
Kili glanced at their audience quickly to make sure that they wouldn’t hear a
word she said. “Can you even perform your duty well right now? When you can
hardly stand without swaying?” Kili demanded, too low to be heard by the
others.
No, he could not. Such delicate discussion required careful thinking that
Thorin was incapable of at the moment. Balin excelled in negotiation, but
Thorin feared he would only impede his advisor with his sickness. At the very
best, he would be silent in the discussion, present in no more than body,
contributing little more than absent nods and a signature. But, he still had to
go. Not only for Gimli’s sake, but also because he knew from experience that
Gloin was a difficult opponent in negotiations. Balin’s gentle and sensible
method might not be enough to convince Gloin. Thorin’s forceful nature was
required, though he had doubts of how well he could deliver it at the present.
If he could not think for Erebor, at the very least he could defend its
interests with his stubbornness.
“Come on, lass. Don’t keep him to yourself. You’ll have him at your disposal
soon enough!” Dain teased.
Kili glared at Thorin some more, then narrowed her eyes, seemingly to come to a
decision. “I don’t mean to keep him from anyone, but his majesty is not well
and needs rest,” she told Dain politely but firmly.
“It’s nothing to worry about,” Thorin was quick to assure, glancing sharply at
Kili. But she merely looked at him with a frown, clearly unwilling to easily
let him have his way. “It’s only a little exhaustion,” he insisted.
“You heard that, lass. He’s only a little tired. He’s perfectly capable of a
little discussion,” Gloin said impatiently. “Thorin, you’ve made me wait long
enough to renegotiate our trade agreement.”
Before Thorin could agree, Kili has spoken up. “Surely you don’t mind to wait a
little more. It’s better for Thorin to rest so he can recover quickly.”
Gloin’s sneer was so condescending that even in his state, Thorin was able to
pick up the insult. “Who do you think you are, telling me this? True, you will
marry Thorin, but for now you have no power to tell me, or Thorin, what to do!”
Kili twitched but somehow managed to hold her temper. “I don’t have the
authority to make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. I merely have
Thorin’s best interest in mind. I believe he should rest now before the
exhaustion grows worse.”
“You speak of interest, but you only think of yours, of what will most benefit
and entertain you! What of Moria’s interest? I have had to wait a year for this
negotiation because Thorin went to Ered Luin to see you!” He turned to Thorin,
waving his hand dismissively toward Kili. “Tell her to stop this silliness at
once! Politics is no business of a know-all child!”
At this, Kili’s eyes glinted in anger. Before either Thorin or her bother could
angrily defend her, she spoke up, “I may be young, but I’m not stupid. I know
that Moria has problem with shortage of food because there is no place for
farming in this mine and the food you bought from other colonies are expensive
because of the treacherous road they have to take to deliver the goods. That’s
why you want to make Erebor buy Moria’s goods at absurdly inflated price so you
can purchase more food for your people. You insist on renegotiating your terms
with Erebor because you know other colonies will not accept the price you ask
for, so you want Erebor to bear the entire cost of your planned purchase!”
Gloin stared at her in shock, anger and shame reddening his feature as his
actions and reasons were laid out so plainly before respectable lords. Dwarfs
could be tactless, but politics required discretion regardless of race, and
clearly Kili didn’t have much care for that. “How dare you!” he cried. “What do
you know of governance? You’re only a spoiled child! You know nothing of making
difficult decisions for the good of your people!”
“I know unfairness when I see one!” Kili said heatedly. “Your good intention
for your people will disadvantage Erebor! That is not how trade agreement
should be!”
There was no retort to that, for indeed Gloin’s proposed agreement was unfair
for Erebor. While it wouldn’t put too much of a dent on the wealth of Thorin’s
kingdom, it might not stay that way in long term. Further, other colonies might
come to expect the same agreement and that could potentially be a major
concern. Thorin exchanged a look with Balin. His advisor’s grim expression
indicated that he thought the same. As the dwarf king, Thorin wanted to help
Moria, but he couldn’t do it while risking Erebor. But what kind of king
refused to help his people? Something must be done.
“How easy it is to say I’m at fault! Tell me what I’m supposed to do then!”
Gloin scoffed mockingly.
Not one to refuse a challenge, Kili replied, “You are so focused on Erebor that
you forget you have a solution right before you. You have elves dwelling in the
forest right next to the Misty Mountains. They live off the land and have needs
for the goods you have. Starting a trade with them will be a most sensible and
beneficial solution. Ered Luin, Dale, and Erebor flourish because they trade
with other races, not because they keep to the dwarf race!”
“The elves? Have you gone mad?” Gloin spluttered.
“It’s the most sensible solution!” Kili insisted.
“How is that sensible? Do you know what the elves have done to our people?”
Gloin demanded angrily, looking as if he might turn the argument physical.
Thorin was instantly alarmed and so were Balin and Dain. However, before any of
them did anything, Fili stepped forward to stand near his sister. Though his
posture was relaxed, the way he held himself suggested that he was ready to
physically defend his sister if he must. Wise, considering who Kili had just
offended. He gave Kili a look and spoke up, “There is history of conflicts due
to breached agreements between dwarfs and elves. But, with properly written
contracts, that should be avoidable. Ered Luin has traded with the elves for
some decades now and never once does a dispute arise. I believe the same
applies to Erebor and Dale for even longer.”
Calmed down by her brother and emboldened by his support, Kili added firmly,
“To keep to our own people is to bring self-ruination. Alliance with other
races is the key to survival, welfare, and prosperity.”
There was no denying their points. Erebor and Dale had traded with various
races since long before Thorin was born. He remembered stealing curious looks
at envoys from various regions when he was but a child. Even today, he
occasionally welcomed new trade partners or leaders of other races who wished
to pay their respect to them. If Erebor kept to the dwarf race, it would not
achieve half of what it currently had. Dwarf colonies were rich, but no so rich
that they were completely self-sustaining to the point of being able to survive
without any outside help. The truth was they needed to trade with other races.
However, as Gloin’s oversight had demonstrated, many hesitated to expand their
trade alliance, especially to elves. Thorin was ashamed to say that he also
harbored some misgivings still, thus it never crossed his mind to encourage
other lords to take the path Erebor, Dale, and Ered Luin had taken. Kili and
Fili, however, seemed to not share his hesitation.
“But that is just ridiculous!” Gloin exclaimed.
“No. I think they have an excellent point. In truth, I have been considering
starting trade with the elves!” Dain said unexpectedly. He eyed Kili and Fili
curiously. “Do either of you happen to know the kind of contract Ered Luin has
with its allies?”
Fili and Kili looked at each other. Fili nodded. “We do. Our father taught us
how to draft contracts and agreements. He says it is an essential knowledge for
dwarfs.”
“How wise! It’s true that it is essential! And I believe you, Balin, knows the
trade contracts Erebor has?” At Balin’s confirmation, Dain grinned widely.
“Excellent! If you don’t mind, Thorin, we’d like to borrow your guests to
discuss the possibility of new trades for Moria!”
“Of course not, if they don’t mind,” Thorin said, confused by the sudden turn
of event.
“It would be our honor to serve Erebor and help Moria,” Kili said, polite
despite lingering irritation in the firm set of her jaw.
Gloin protested loudly but once Dain’s mind was made up, it was impossible to
change. No matter how Gloin argued, Dain was unmoved and once he sensed Gloin
had tired of refusing, he seized the opportunity. “We’ll take our leave now.
Balin or Kili will inform you of the result of the discussion later,” he
announced triumphantly.
“Thorin won’t be joining us? But I need to…”
Calmly, Dain silenced Gloin with a shake of his head. “It’s better if we hear
Kili and Fili’s idea first. They might get nervous if the king is there to
oversee them. We’ll ask Thorin what he thinks later. Come on, Gimli, today you
will learn a trade negotiation like no other!”
With that, Dain led the confused and reluctant party out of the parlor. Kili
lingered behind, throwing Thorin a look of concern, but she was immediately
called away. Thorin was soon left alone, head pounding with worry, relief, and
sickness. He sat down heavily, massaging the bridge of his nose. As much as he
hated neglecting his duty and giving it away to others to perform, it might be
best to leave this matter to Balin to handle, at least until he fully
recovered. His remaining concern was for Fili and Kili. They might be bright,
but he wasn’t sure they were ready to face the stubborn pride of a dwarf lord.
Thorin would join them if not for the chill that suddenly enveloped him and the
unnatural heaviness weighing down his body.
The door opened again to admit a nervous attendant. “Lord Vilir’s daughter
asked me to call Oin for you and to reject all visitors,” he reported.
Thorin looked at the attendant in surprise. It was rather inappropriate for
Kili to give orders on his behalf without first asking him, but he supposed if
matters were left entirely to him, he might deny the true extent of his
condition and therefore make it worse. It seemed that Kili knew him better than
he had thought. So, Thorin nodded with tired acquiescence. “Do as she said.”
Gloin would have his lesson of removing his prejudice today and his son would
learn of how to best benefit his people. As for Thorin, today he learned to not
cross Kili.
Chapter End Notes
     Happy wife, happy life. First thing first. Thorin said that everyone
     seemed all right and not bothered by being in Moria at all, but it's
     most likely not the truth. People cope in their own ways. They might
     have just hidden in well; Thorin probably looked just fine to them as
     well. Now for the fun stuff. Here's a_picture of how the relief in
     Kili's room might look like but in full color. As for how the ceiling
     looked like, here are some_ideas. The description of her room is
     basically based on my theory/headcannon that Tolkien dwarfs would
     love Islamic architecture/design because it involves lots of
     geometry. I have no idea where the coming-of-age ceremony came from,
     but I like it. Also, I love Dain. He's always a joy to write!
     Next chapter is the last one. Finally we'll see the wedding! And for
     those who have been waiting for the smut, your patience shall be
     rewarded!
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
     What do you mean it's not my usual posting schedule? Well, it's not,
     but it's my birthday and since it's going to be mostly boring I
     thought I'd celebrate by posting this final chapter. I finished this
     in exactly (!!!) 5 months (May 21st 2016 - October 21st 2016), but
     that's before massive editing. Thank you for everyone who has helped
     me write and edit this and readers who have given me a reason to keep
     writing. Thanks for indulging me and convincing me that I'm not such
     a terrible writer and some people actually care and like my works.
     Also thank you for people who have spite me enough to make me write
     down this plot. Last time I checked apparently writing genderbend fic
     makes me a transphobic person as well as homophobic. Isn't it
     amazing, the things you can learn about yourself from tumblr!
     It's been a pleasure writing and sharing this fic. I didn't expect
     more than a couple of comments and kudos, but you kindly prove me
     wrong. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint your expectations after
     the very lengthy build up. If you still want more, don't worry. I'll
     post a dark take of this story in a week or two.
     This chapter includes underage sex between an adult and someone the
     equivalent of 14-15. Skip about 4k words and go straight to the last
     four paragraphs if you don't want to read it. After that, there will
     be a very long end note because at that point, I've become obsessed
     with researching and referencing. (RIP, Pride and Prejudice I ordered
     to study the language, but never arrived.) Enjoy!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The summon for Oin was correctly made. The draught he made to allow Thorin to
sleep did little to improve his condition. When he woke in the afternoon, he
was so weakened that Oin ordered him to not leave the bed until he said
otherwise. After a light meal, Thorin went back to sleep, only to be awakened a
few hours later by yet another nightmare. This time, however, he wasn’t alone.
Oin was immediately at his side, calming him and helping him to a dose of
sleeping draught. It helped, somewhat, though his sleep was still fitful. It
was difficult to tell whether it was due to persistent nightmare or his
worsening fever. When Thorin woke up the next morning, he felt no better at
all. He couldn’t protest when Oin fussed around him, making him various
medications and ensuring that he was warm. Through bleary eyes he watched the
fire in the furnace burn bright despite it being in the morning and nearing
summer. The large chamber was filled with the smell of herbs, sickening yet
strangely comforting. Patient attendants wiped his sweat off with mercifully
cool cloths. Thorin fell asleep while Oin listed the herbs he required to help
return Thorin to good health.
For two days (or so he thought. He had lost track of time at some point) Thorin
was bedridden. He noticed the comings and goings of people in his chamber, but
he couldn’t tell them apart aside from Oin, who was a constant presence by his
side. He thought at some point Balin and Dain came to visit, but he couldn’t be
sure as he immediately fell back to sleep. It wasn’t until his fever broke on
the second evening that he was able to discern things around him. Gloin’s once
meticulous chamber was made into a temporary sickbay. Furniture was moved about
for easy access for Oin. Every surface was covered with boxes of medicines and
basin containing water to cool him. Thorin’s trusty attendants stood around the
room, anxiously waiting for Oin’s orders. At the slightest movement from
Thorin, one always rushed toward him to make sure that he was comfortable and
well. So well-cared for, Thorin had no choice but to obey his healer and rest
well.
On the third day, Thorin felt marginally better. Oin grunted in satisfaction
but still commanded him to not even think of exerting himself. Thorin bore the
suffocating care, knowing that it was for the best. But, now he was strong
enough to at least put up some token protests, insisting that he should be fine
if left alone long enough. Oin ignored him, of course, but seemed to be pleased
by this display of strong mind. Once again, he made Thorin take a draught to
relax his mind and body, sending him to a deep sleep. When he woke up, perhaps
some time after noon, he was greeted by the sight of Kili on a chair by his
bedside.
“Thorin!” she cried when she saw him awake.
Thorin blinked in surprise. At this point, he was well enough to recognize her
and the strangeness of her presence here. He looked around the room to see but
a few attendants, looking tired but alert. Fili sat beside his sister, while
Oin was nowhere to be seen. “Why are you here? Where is Oin?”
Kili waited for an attendant to make sure that Thorin didn’t need anything
before answering. “He’s looking for herbs for your medication. I offered to
watch over you while he’s away.” She smiled thinly when Thorin sighed tiredly.
Beside her, Fili moved away to give them some privacy, something Thorin was
grateful for. “If you’re worried, rest assured that we have told everyone that
you insist on personally mentoring Gimli, so you aren’t able to join them at
any time. Gimli has to be hidden away to complete the ruse.”
“I haven’t thought of it, but I’m pleased to hear that. I will invite Gimli to
Erebor to cheer him up and mentor him.” Thorin studied Kili closely. “How did
the discussion go?”
Although Kili shrugged, her expression hardened. “It was as well as it could
be, considering the circumstances.”
Thorin was instantly worried. “What did Gloin do?”
“More of what he did in your presence.” Kili smiled lightly at the look of mild
alarm on Thorin’s face, but Thorin couldn’t find much amusement in the
information.
“Are you all right?” Thorin asked, knowing Gloin’s temper and fighting skill.
“Yes,” Kili replied. “He might be a battle-hardened dwarf, but I’m fully
capable of defending myself. Besides, no matter how he disagreed, he knew
better than to create a serious scene before Dain, so he had to listen to us
and finally he understood our view. Balin will probably show you the contract
he drafted up after you’ve felt better.”
The information was a little relieving. Thorin dared not imagine how Gloin had
reacted to being taught by youths, especially one he had underestimated so
terribly. Even Balin would have most likely had difficulty facing his wounded
pride. Dain, on the other hand, had the commanding presence to subdue even the
most stubborn of dwarfs. Though Thorin regretted not being there to support
Kili and Fili himself, he was glad to know that his cousin had taken them under
his wings. He knew Dain wouldn’t have let Gloin’s wrath harmed them in any way.
He had no doubt Fili and Kili were able to defend themselves, of course. If
anything the event a few days prior had shown him how capable they were of
holding their ground. If left alone, they might eventually be able to convince
Gloin to see their way. Still, it didn’t hurt anyone that there had been a
seasoned lord guiding and taking care of them.
“I’m glad it went well. I’m proud of you.” Thorin smiled, wishing they were in
private so he could hold Kili’s hand. Instead of rejoicing the compliment,
however, Kili looked troubled. Thorin frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“You asked me to be at my best behavior and I wasn’t,” Kili said guiltily. “I
angered a lord when you asked me to win his favor.”
“You have done nothing wrong. You were insulted. It was perfectly acceptable to
defend yourself. I would have done the same—and even worse!—if I had been in
your place!” Thorin assured her.
But, Kili wasn’t easily assuaged. “People insult me all the time. I shouldn’t
have said anything as usual. Reacting to them just makes it worse,” she said in
a determined, purposefully-unaffected tone that suggested she had done exactly
as she said uncountable times.
“People insult you?” Thorin asked, his anger rising.
“I know what people think of me. Gloin is not the first who thinks I’m stupid
and he won’t be the last. I don’t care. They don’t know me. I know I’m not at
all what they think I am.” Hesitation suddenly crossed her expression. “Though
I’m worried about what they think of you for choosing me.”
“Kili,” Thorin said in displeasure. Had he the strength, he would sit up to
gaze at her levelly. But, he hadn’t trusted his strength yet, though his mind
was quite clear. “I don’t care of what they think of me. People find ways to
not like me all the time and nothing will change that. It’s you that I’m
concerned about.”
Kili shook her head. “I don’t usually mind people,” she said in a way that
wasn’t entirely convincing. She took a deep breath and sat straighter. “I will
accept whatever punishment you deem fitting for me. And if you would give me
another chance, I’ll make sure the scene a few days ago will not happen again.”
What kind of pain did Kili bear, Thorin wondered. He was accustomed to
discontent and criticism, and had even been hardened by them. The hurt he took
was only when he didn’t manage to perform his duties as well as he could, when
the dissatisfaction he garnered was well-deserved. Kili was of a gentler nature
than him, however. Thorin could scarcely imagine how she felt knowing people
looked down upon her. She might feign indifference, but by now Thorin knew her
well enough to see that the carelessness wasn’t entirely genuine. He vowed to
find out later and comfort her, but sadly he was currently in no state to have
that conversation and the lack of privacy didn’t permit that kind of admission.
“I see nothing to punish you for. Believe me, you cannot displease me with
this.” When Kili looked down and bit her lip instead of arguing or accepting
his pardon, he remembered Fili’s words of caution in Ered Luin. Too late, he
realized that Kili’s strange behaviors were results of her trying to mold
herself into someone expected to be a royal consort, someone she was not. It
seemed that it was true that Kili thought very highly of his opinion. To make
this worse, Thorin himself had placed very heavy responsibilities upon her
shoulders. He could only imagine how she must feel, thinking that she had
failed the role she hadn’t even begun to assume. “There are times when fighting
fire with fire is a terrible idea, but your argument with Gloin wasn’t one of
them. There’s nothing wrong with defending yourself when you’re being unfairly
insulted.”
“But you just said that you usually ignore what people think of you, while I…”
“Kili,” Thorin interrupted her. “I don’t mean to say I completely disregard
what people think of me. I try to prove them wrong with my actions instead of
arguing with them. Indeed you must learn to better contain yourself, but it’s a
lifelong lesson that even I am still learning.” He looked at her closely to
make sure she understood his words perfectly. “I’m not upset with you at all
about this. And if similar thing arises in the future, I won’t blame you if you
react the same way.”
“I have a lot to learn. I’m afraid my temper isn’t much better than Gloin’s,”
Kili said rather dejectedly.
“And I’ll be there to help you learn, however long it takes. You will always
have my support in your endeavors and that you cannot displease me terribly
enough to push me entirely away.” Thorin reached to his chest, when his
sapphire pendant rested cool against his still-warm skin. If he could not hold
Kili’s hand, he could at least hold the gift she had lovingly presented him.
“If you don’t wish for confrontation, I can offer you means for demonstration.
You have my word that I will not rest until we prove the last of them wrong.”
Kili looked at him in surprise before her eyes drifted down to Thorin’s hand.
Seeing the sapphire safe in Thorin’s hand, resting against his heart, she
smiled. It was not one of those small smiles she had given for the past few
days, but a sincere one that light up her eye. “Thank you.”
Thorin returned the smile, stroking the sapphire with his thumb. “If anything,
I’m glad you spoke up against Gloin. You have been so different that I barely
recognized you—it was so unlike you to be so meek. While in some cases it’s
better to be agreeable, some things are worth fighting for, and the future and
wellbeing of our people are definitely worth fighting for. Promise me this: If
something or someoneever troubles you so, you will tell me. If we are to share
a life together, I must know not only your happiness but your troubles also, so
that I can help you.”
“What if it’s you who trouble me?” she joked, looking at her lap in a way that
clearly showed Thorin had troubled her in the past. Again, Thorin recalled his
conversation with Fili in Ered Luin and wondered about the true extent of her
pain that she hid even from her dearest brother.
“You must tell me that especially, so that I can correct myself. I will not
have you suffer my ignorance,” he assured her.
Kili nodded. “And will you tell me your problems in return? I’d rather you not
hide your pain as you did recently.”
This promise was difficult to make because Thorin was used to display nothing
less than strength, but he supposed he had to be fair and be as honest as
possible to Kili. “I will,” he promised. “I hope Gloin didn’t give you any more
trouble while I was recuperating. It was appalling how he treated a family
friend.”
“Oh, he is not a friend. My parents considered marrying me off to Gimli, but he
is far younger than me and they didn’t want to wait too long for him to be of
marriageable age, so they sought prospect for alliance elsewhere. Gimli and I
get along just fine, but I doubt Gloin considers my family as more than distant
business partner or acquaintance,” Kili said calmly.
Well, that certainly explained Gloin’s odd behavior regarding Vilir’s family,
though it did not in any way excuse a host treating his guest poorly—something
Thorin had to address once he recovered. Thorin waited for any flare of
jealousy to emerge at the revelation of the origin of Kili and Gimli’s
friendship, but there was none. He found himself perfectly secure in the
knowledge of having Kili’s affection. Thorin expressed this with a nod and a
serene smile. “But he bothers you no more?”
Kili shook her head. “Not even once. Though I can’t say whether it’s because of
our own virtue or Dain’s interference. But he has been perfectly gracious to my
family while you’re away in recovery.” She paused, frowning in deep thought.
When she spoke again, her tone was cautious “There’s something I should tell
you and I hope you will forgive me for it. I told Balin about… your other
problem. I know you don’t want to cause commotion, but someone has to know that
your memory bothers you so much that it jeopardizes your health. I thought that
since you’ve expressed your intention to inform him, I could tell him in your
place while you were recovering. I’ve told him to keep it quiet, except from
those who absolutely need to know to help.”
Thorin considered this. “I do need some help,” he admitted. Reluctant as he was
to accept help, he knew he had to swallow his pride in order to recover.
“I wish I could help you, but I don’t know what to do and I don’t fully
understand. But, if you need someone to talk to, I’m always ready to listen.
Ask me anything and I will do it,” Kili said in conviction.
Thorin smiled affectionately. “Thank you. You shouldn’t feel bad. You only have
my best interests in mind, after all.”
A relieved smile bloomed on Kili’s face. It struck Thorin how she must have
been worried that she had upset him. She had wanted to help him, but it went
against Thorin’s policy and pride, after all. How Kili had felt while he was in
recovery, Thorin could only imagine, but he was glad that they managed to
resolve this concern. Thorin would like to comfort her more, but then Oin
returned with a chest full of medication. He narrowed his eyes reproachfully at
Kili and Thorin but his smirk betrayed his amusement. Thorin sighed in
resignation as Kili pulled away.
“Off you go, lass! Let my patient recover in peace!” Oin ordered.
Without complaint, but with much reluctance, Kili left along with Fili. Thorin
absently listened to Oin’s instruction on how to recover quickly. His mind was
occupied with ideas on how to protect Kili from further insults and prove to
everyone that she was worthy of great esteem. It wouldn’t be easy—her age might
prove to be a hindrance, for one—but Thorin was set on helping her earn the
same respect he himself enjoyed. It was with these thoughts firmly entrenched
in mind that he drifted back to sleep, lulled by the now-familiar scent of
herbs around him. When he recovered, he would make his case to Balin, Dain, and
Gloin, and he would demand their cooperation. He wouldn’t take no for an
answer.
===============================================================================
As was the norm with dwarfs, Thorin recovered swiftly. Another day of being
bedridden and he was strong enough to attend meal. He was slightly sluggish
still, but Dain’s boisterousness took attention away from him. Gimli played his
part well, feigning new closeness with Thorin by chatting amiably with him
throughout the meal. Even Gloin was very polite, conversing with him as if
nothing had happened. Meanwhile, Kili and Oin kept careful eyes on him from
their seats. Everything else proceeded as if nothing was amiss. Later on,
Thorin was asked what he thought of Gimli during his mentoring and he went on
to compliment him (an honest assessment. Thorin did think well on him.) No one
seemed to have caught his lie. Thorin was satisfied that his impression upon
most of his lords remained unchanged.
While nightmares slowed his recovery some, Thorin now had Oin staying at his
bedside to provide reprieve from both his mind and his physical ailment. Though
during the day Thorin was sometimes unhappy by his need for care, at night he
was grateful to have someone to calm the fear and violence his mind produced.
He grew a great deal of respect for the healer for his courage in soothing him
when Thorin himself wasn’t entirely in control of his instinct to fight to
survive. Though armless, Oin remained by his side, despite knowing that Thorin
could very well harm him with his bare hands. When Thorin voiced his concern,
he merely scoffed and lectured Thorin on the many battles he had survived
before Thorin was even born. Though Thorin had already known it, it still
comforted him to see for himself that someone had seen soldiers haunted by past
battles and not thought of it as a sign of weakness. His tenacity won him
Thorin’s confidence and Thorin entrusted his well-being to his expert care.
Balin came to visit once Thorin was well enough to receive guest.
Unsurprisingly, the first thing he did was presenting Thorin with the contract
he had made for Gloin. The contract was very lengthy but very thorough,
covering every conceivable possibility in such arrangement. Thorin had no
reason to disapprove and the business was quickly finished, giving way to the
important discussion Thorin had missed.
Balin informed him of the argument that had taken place in his absence. It
shocked and dismayed Thorin to know that Kili had omitted some truth of how
ugly the discussion had been. Gloin had been very unhappy, Balin reported. At
many points, the arguments escalated to such height that they worried physical
altercation might take place. But Kili and Fili’s resistance to Gloin’s
intimidating attitude and Dain’s persistence that he should not dismiss their
ideas unreasonably had eventually paid off. At the end of the day Gloin had
finally begrudgingly admitted the sensibility of the suggested solution and in
the days that followed he had grown some respect for the young dwarfs he had
previously disparaged. With his blessing and under Balin’s supervision, Kili
and Fili helped make the contract, contributing things they had observed but
hadn’t been addressed before. Young Gimli had learnt an important lesson to
consider every possible solution to a problem and the welfare of Moria had been
assured.
“I see now why you insist on involving Kili in governance,” Balin observed
lightly, blowing a string of smoke into the air. “You have made an excellent
choice.”
Thorin thought he was lucky to be chosen in return, but said nothing of it as
he wished to keep his relationship with Kili as private as possible. There was
no need to further share something that was inevitably public due to his and
Kili’s stations. It was more important that Kili was gaining more unconditional
support from Thorin’s closest advisor among others. And Balin wasn’t the only
one who had a turn of mind regarding her. When Gloin came to visit him, Thorin
was rather wary. His anger hadn’t been entirely slackened despite Kili’s
claimed indifference to poor views regarding her. In fact, it regained strength
every time he recalled insulting words Gloin had said to Kili. She might not
care to retaliate further than she had, but Thorin wasn’t so forgiving. He had
prepared in his head a stern lecture when Gloin entered with his head bowed low
and a sincere apology on his tongue.
“There is no excuse for me to have let my prejudice blind me from the obvious
solution for Moria’s problem and potentially put Erebor in a great risk. I owe
Lord Vilir’s daughter greatly for righting my wrong and for patiently bearing
my ignorance to help Moria,” he admitted, shame-faced. “As a dwarf lord I have
failed my people and as a host I have treated my guests appallingly. I leave my
punishment to your discretion and if you deem me unfit for my position, I will
not argue. I’ll beg no mercy for I deserve none after my treatment of you,
Erebor, Moria, and Lord Vilir’s daughter.”
Tempted though Thorin was to dismiss Gloin from his position, he eventually
decided against it, considering Gloin’s stellar performance before his
disastrous trade agreement proposal. He didn’t leave Gloin without firm
warning, however, and made it absolutely clear that if such mistake were to
occur again then Gloin would be stripped from his title, wealth, and home, his
status as a Durin’s Folks notwithstanding. He would find his place not among
the dwarfs of Thorin’s court and kingdom, but the very people he had slighted.
Thorin also demanded Gloin to apologize to Vilir’s family for his attitude
toward them. Although Vilir and Dis might not be aware of how he had insulted
them, they still deserved an apology. He also must gain forgiveness from Kili
and Fili, who had witnessed and borne his rudeness and aggression, and if they
refused to forgive then Thorin would rescind his own clemency (although Thorin
knew when he gave this order that they would never be so cruel.)
Thorin had wanted to spare Gloin from shame as to not ruin Gimli’s coming of
age and expected him to merely apologize to Vilir’s family in private.
Therefore, he was surprised when he saw one morning that Gloin had shorn a part
of his fiery beard as a sign of repentance. The hall was instantly filled with
curious mutters that quieted down only after Gloin announced his faults and
praised Thorin and Vilir’s family for their mercy. The deep significance
convinced Thorin of his genuine remorse and he no longer held Gloin’s past
mistakes against him.
With that matter settled, Thorin could focus on his recuperation. He enjoyed
Balin’s company every day to talk about the battle—their shared experience and
prevailing nightmares—but he wasn’t the only guest Thorin received. Kili, too,
came daily. Though she didn’t have the knowledge and experience Balin had, she
was always attentive whenever Thorin talked about the battle and never asked
for more than what Thorin was willing to share. Later he learned that she had
asked for advices from Oin and Balin on how to help him. Her support and
devotion were unchallenged, and with her and his friends’ aid, Thorin began to
find the shadows on Moria not as threatening. There would always remain some
regret and grief, but that couldn’t be helped.
This wasn’t the only way Kili tried to help Thorin. He was quite surprised when
he realized that she no longer wished to dance or listen to songs. She had no
reason to deny herself the pleasure but for his sake, to respect the memory he
held dearly, yet she had done just that. For this, one day Thorin boldly took a
chance when Fili and Balin were but a few paces behind them, discussing an
event which took place decades ago in a corner. Swiftly, he brought her hand up
to press a lingering kiss on her knuckles. Such open display of affection was
rare for him and he knew she understood the strong sentiment behind the
unexpected gesture.
Pleasure and recovery weren’t the only businesses to be had. Thorin took the
opportunity to introduce Kili to various prominent lords, accustoming them to
her presence in their midst. He enlisted Dain and Gloin into the effort,
explaining to them his plan. This time, Gloin obediently followed his order,
never once questioning Thorin’s decision or Kili’s competency. Dain, meanwhile,
received the information with great excitement. Before Thorin and Balin could
find a role for him to play, he declared that he would prepare ladies of Iron
Hills to support the future royal consort and use his influence to change the
minds of his closest peers, vowing to never rest until they gave Kili the
respect that they usually reserved only for those of their sex. Dain had his
personal reason to feel so strongly about this matter.
“If my daughters could have the privileges currently granted only for my son, I
will be a very happy father,” he said, teary-eyed. To Kili he said, “Your
responsibility is very heavy—it’s never easy to set precedent, especially for
something so opposite from what people are used to. But, if anyone could do it,
it is you.”
Dain and Balin picked up the slack when Thorin was unavailable. They involved
Kili in their conversations with other dwarf lords. Kili’s parents were
deliberately kept away as to avoid giving the impression that they were greedy
for power and used their daughter to gain influence over Thorin and Erebor
(although Vilir and Dis were occasionally seen in the distance observing their
daughter worriedly.) If anything, it was Durin’s Folks who would be seen moving
her to their whims. Kili was on her best behavior throughout the tedious
process, displaying sharp mind when prompted while keeping herself humble. This
first impression would be important when Thorin announced his intention to make
her participate in the governance of his people. Kili was naturally charming,
but charm wasn’t enough. Her intelligence had to be shown, so that when the
time came, this meeting might convince the lords to support Thorin’s decision.
For now, Thorin carefully catalogued those who seemed impressed by Kili and
those who dismissed her as nothing more than a youth who caught their king’s
fancy. It was rather concerning (although not entirely surprising) when he
found that more lords didn’t take Kili seriously. It seemed that there was a
lot of work to be done, but Kili was nothing if not determined, spending time
with those who would likely become their opponents to sway their initial
opinions. Persuasion was an art she hadn’t completely mastered but her genuine
persistence impressed Thorin, Dain, Gloin, and Balin, who were all too happy to
assist her in securing her future position.
This wasn’t at all how Thorin wished their rare meeting to be, but that was how
it was. Although Kili wasn’t without disappointment, she bore it well. In fact,
she bore it exceedingly well since she finally confessed to disliking Moria. It
was too dark for her, too gloomy. She flourished in the light, under the sun,
where she was free to roam the nature and run with the winds. Here she felt
trapped and even suffocated. Thorin bit off the comment that it was fortunate
that she wouldn’t be the lady of the mine. He smiled when Kili recounted how
much more pleasant her visit to Erebor had been, as although it was built
inside a mountain, it still had many windows and balconies where she could
escape closed space. Her eyes lit up when Thorin informed her that her future
room had a balcony with a stunning view to Dale and beyond. They looked away
from each other then, lest they be tempted to earnest discussion about married
life and everything that pertained to it (and one in particular) in front of
their faithful attendants and chaperone. That should wait until they were again
separated so that they could have the privacy of correspondence. Written words
lacked little nuances, such as Kili’s free laughter as if there wasn’t a thing
wrong in the world, the little twinkle in her eyes when she was about to do
something quite inappropriate, or the way her gaze drifted down longingly to
Thorin’s lips. However, it still gave them more freedom. And certainly one year
wasn’t too long a time to wait for the rights and opportunities to be as open
as possible to each other as any lover could ever wish to be.
The end of Thorin’s stay came sooner than expected as Oin expressed his concern
for risks against Thorin’s health in Moria and it was found out that the Misty
Mountains would grace them with unusually good weather for a few days. A
returning party was hastily prepared. To Gloin, Thorin extended an invitation
to his family to visit Erebor as a gratitude for their service during Thorin’s
recuperation, an invitation that they accepted gratefully. Thorin’s lingering
concern on how Kili would be treated once he was away was quickly put to rest
as Gloin loudly swore on his beard that the queen consort-to-be would have no
reason to leave Moria with any bad memory. Volatile though his temper sometimes
was, Thorin knew Gloin who would honor his word and so he felt quite happy to
leave Kili and her family in Moria.
It didn’t mean Thorin was glad to go, however. His time together with Kili was
very short compared with the previous two years and in many aspects far less
joyful. Kili, who never once hid her emotion, was visibly unhappy, but only
once voiced her disappointment that Thorin had to leave so soon. Thorin
deliberately didn’t ask, knowing that further prove of displeasure would sway
his decision and he would never go until Kili did. Before he left, Dis kindly
gave them a brief time together (with the door open leading to an adjacent room
where Dis sat listening to them, of course) that Thorin utilized to assure
themselves that one year was a short wait. Afterward, he departed from Moria.
His stern upbringing prevented him from looking back and waving longingly to
those he left behind, but it didn’t stop a small part of him from wishing he
could do just that. He closed his eyes, imagining Kili watching his carriage
rode away to disappear from view, the last view she could have of him before
she went to Erebor the next year. Thorin only dared to open his eyes when he
was sure he was out of sight from Moria. Then, he looked at the grey stones of
Misty Mountain and wished it to be kind to his beloved in his absence.
With the sun shining down on them and not a single rain cloud to be found, the
party managed to leave the treacherous road much faster than when they arrived.
Thorin soon found himself back home. Any yearning he had was quickly pushed
aside in the annual frenzy of the summer feast and the awaiting tasks in his
study. The routine was a comfort and he fell into it easily, the only change
being Oin’s now-regular visit. Though tired from travelling, Thorin refused to
shirk duties, leading to rare chiding from Balin, but there was truly nothing
to be worried about. Thorin’s health had improved vastly, helped by the fine
summer weather. His days of ailment were far behind him and he was able to
perform his activities as usual, even if they occupied inordinately large
amount of time. His much needed break was provided by the summer feast. The
guests and entertainers seemed determined to outdo Gloin’s recent celebration.
Everyone dressed more finely than usual and the performances were more
elaborate than Thorin had ever seen. Although he wasn’t so insecure that he
felt any rivalry with the Lord of Moria, Thorin indulged himself in the event.
He drank and ate a little more and only drew a line in dancing, feeling no
desire to dance with anyone but Kili, but this was understood by everyone, and
there was a silent expectation to see him more often among the dancers after
the following year.
Sometime after the feast, a letter arrived from Kili informing Thorin that she
had arrived home safely and that she had had only the best experiences in Moria
while Thorin was gone. She also reported that Gloin planned to send Gimli to be
tutored by Vilir the next year, an unexpected but very much welcomed request.
It appeared that his discussion with Fili and Kili had completely changed his
opinion on Vilir and Dis. He now gladly entrusted the education of his son to
them in hope that Gimli would have Fili and Kili’s intelligence, manners, and
courage. Vilir, who never once harbored ill-thoughts toward Gloin, readily
accepted. Dis and Fili, too, were looking forward to expanding Gimli’s view of
the world. While Gimli didn’t seem to share his father’s prejudice, living in
isolation could dramatically affect one’s view. Thorin thought sending him away
from the confines of the mine and to the open expanse of Ered Luin was indeed a
good choice. Kili agreed with this and expressed her regret that she would
already settle in Erebor when Gimli arrived.
It’s a pity that I won’t be able to accompany him, as he is such a good friend,
but I suppose I will have an excellent company to occupy me by then.
So she wrote slyly, prompting a long correspondence where she hinted coyly on
how Thorin might provide her with said excellent company while Thorin feigned
confusion. At one point, Kili revealed that she had looked into the matter of
physical intimacy. She hadn’t been able to find what she wanted precisely since
her friends were married to those their age and thus unaware of the intricacies
of conjugal relation between a dwarf of Thorin’s age and a dwarf as young as
Kili, but they gave her some advices regardless. To her dismay, some had warned
her to be prepared for discomfort or even pain, whether for the very first time
or the other times that followed. Dwarfs were naturally impatient, even when
they promised otherwise, and they rarely could deny themselves pleasure for
long. It was better, they advised Kili, if she didn’t expect to find much
pleasure from her future husband. However, others had assured her that, if done
properly, she would find bliss few earthly pleasures could rival. They
described the act as an expression of affection and deep connection between
couple. The first sting, they claimed, would immediately be forgotten amidst
pleasure and joy that would keep Kili’s door open for Thorin.
It is the latter that I choose to believe, taking into account your experience
and your promise to me. I should hope my high expectation will not be
disappointed!
Thorin had flushed scarlet and laughed when he read that. Quickly, he penned a
letter in assurance of his sincere intention to employ all of his experience
and cause her as little pain as possible. Unable to resist, he promised to
endeavor to not only make her keep her door open for him, but also make her
come to his door, where she and she alone would never be denied. The
inappropriateness of the message gave Thorin a thrill. He felt as if he was a
juvenile again, sneakily finding little opportunities to escape his older
superior’s supervision and break rules.
There was also a serious side to this discussion, of course. Thorin confessed
that he had (rather embarrassedly) consulted Oin on how to proceed with the
physical aspects of their future marriage. As he had predicted, he was
cautioned to take very good care and exercise great patience. To be carried
away by passion would not be an option for a good many years. Further, Thorin
was warned that while not always fatal, labor at Kili’s age was often a
difficult and painful affair. While she was able to carry a child to term, her
physique wasn’t quite ready to deliver it. So he entreated to Kili:
We must not rush. For both our sakes we must be patient. The time will come
when we will have a family of our own, but it can’t be soon.
Kili fortunately accepted his heartfelt plea. It was difficult to gauge whether
she was truly not disappointed when all they had was letter, but she wrote that
she would be happy to have him for herself for a time. She, as many dwarfs, was
a selfish lover, she admitted. To have his undivided attention in private was
everything she could possibly want. It was quite embarrassing how such
seduction made Thorin giddy, but songs and stories he consulted had assured him
that it was a good sign, that shared joy was to be sought for. His close
observation of Gloin and his wife when they and Gimli came that autumn
confirmed this. The couple never shied away from enjoying each other’s company
and although Thorin would prefer more discreet gestures of affection, he saw
the wisdom in their loving interactions.
The guests provided much needed distraction. Thorin and Balin were all too
happy to provide the guidance they had pretended to give to Gimli when Thorin
was ill. A quick study in governance and combat, he was a pleasure to teach.
His proud father complimented him in every opportunity when he was out of
earshot and announced a plan to find him a suitably intelligent bride who might
follow their future queen’s footsteps. Gloin’s lamentation that he did not
himself have a daughter to serve Erebor was much approved (his wife, though an
efficient manager of their household, had little interest in governance, a
decision they all respected.) News from Iron Hills that one of Dain’s daughters
had expressed interest and talent in politics was a further encouragement for
Thorin and Balin. Everything was falling into place, Thorin happily wrote to
Kili. Erebor would no longer only hear from one side. Everyone in his court
would have a voice and he would listen to them with Kili on his side.
Final arrangements were made by himself, Balin and Gloin during Gloin’s stay.
After Gloin left, came winter. Correspondence slowed and then halted. No one
said a word when Thorin spent more of his time in Kili’s room. It was almost
finished now, needing only small touches to be livable. The ceiling now
displayed myriad of stars, each of them made of circles and lines that
overlapped into intricate pattern and centered on a glittering gem. The moon
was created out of silver and yellow gemstones, shining down from the center of
the ceiling. Carved trees now covered the walls and Thorin delighted in finding
hidden animals in the relief. A stag hidden amidst tall shrubs was his
favorite. He traced its magnificent antlers often, remembering the game that
had escaped him in Ered Luin. He did have some regret that he would not have it
among his hunting trophies, but he had found himself with a much better
arrangement in the loss.
Thorin fled the room when the bed was constructed, his imaginations spinning
out of control at the sight of it. Oh, the things he would be able to teach and
share with Kili there! She was untried despite her seductive words, while
Thorin was rich in experience. The thought of introducing her to the pleasure
of the flesh undid him many cold evenings. Patience, he shakily reminded
himself as he stared at his soiled hand. No matter how great his yearning for
Kili was, he must take his time for her benefit lest he did as he had always
feared and harmed her. When Dwalin, presumably bored of the scenes of taverns
and in need of quality fragrant wine, began accompanying Thorin in the evening,
Thorin was most grateful for having less embarrassing activity to occupy
himself with, although of course he kept this to himself. Dwalin’s company—and
Balin’s when he later joined them—made the long winter bearable.
With spring, the flurry of wedding preparation returned. Everyone was
determined to throw the most grand and memorable royal wedding in the history
of Middle Earth despite the couple being content with even the smallest event.
Thorin came to inspect the workers once in a while and received many breathless
letters from Dis on the final progress of the preparation taking place in Ered
Luin. Kili’s own letters were more subdued in comparison. She wished the whole
business over and done with immediately but understood the importance of a
wedding at such a scale. Being a spectacle, Thorin told her, was a part of
their duties. In the future, Kili must take part in making public appearances
to show their people that their king and queen cared for them and to display
their strength to any potential usurper. That second part delighted Kili, who
then requested to be sent away often for such purpose. If she might not take
part in combats anymore, she wanted to at least scare away their enemies, she
wrote so enthusiastically that Thorin laughed. In reply, he promised to try to
do so, although he should like to keep her close for a while after their
wedding. The conversation was light and teasing but it was inarguably a good
suggestion. Thorin had neglected visiting many colonies, as was proven by the
fact that he was now engaged-to-be-married to Kili. Previously he had hesitated
to put Kili in any kind of harm’s way, but her brazen exchange with Gloin in
Moria and her success in making him follow her suggestion had changed Thorin’s
mind. If she could face one of the mightiest dwarf lords without fear and make
him submit, she should be able to handle other lords. In Thorin place, Kili
could go to various dwarf regions—alone if she travelled to nearby colonies and
with him if the destination was too far. Perhaps this was cold, but Thorin
wasn’t only a lover, but also a king responsible for the lives of many. With
someone to share the burden of his duties, Thorin might become a better ruler.
He certainly had no qualm about that!
The message Thorin had been waiting for arrived one spring day. Kili was
departing soon so that she might arrive a few days before their wedding. The
letter was brief but no less warm than any lengthier one they had sent to each
other before. Kili’s handwriting was uneven, as if she had been shaking in
excitement as she wrote it. Thorin closed the letter and didn’t write a reply,
knowing she would be on the road when his message arrived in Ered Luin. No,
there was no need for a reply, at least not in text. He smiled at the blue sky
in the west. His bride was coming.
===============================================================================
As Kili’s arrival drew near, excitement mounted in the Lonely Mountain. The air
was thick with anticipation and everywhere laughter and enthusiastic whispers
were heard. Everything was ready: the kitchen was well-stocked to the brim, the
entertainers had prepared their best songs, the hall set to hold the wedding,
the queen’s bedroom ready for its new occupant. All that was lacking was the
king’s bride.
Thorin only barely refrained from looking out of the window in search of the
party from Ered Luin every few minutes. There was no need to watch the horizon,
as it turned out. Eager attendants informed him of the party’s progress often.
Thorin hadn’t been aware of how many eyes he had across his kingdom until that
moment, when every little distance covered by the horses and carriages from
Ered Luin was reported to him. He also hadn’t been fully aware of his people’s
enthusiasm over his wedding. He had expected them to be happy for a cause of
celebration, but he hadn’t counted on them to eagerly await for Kili and the
role she would play in the kingdom. True, they only thought of how she could
provide Thorin an heir, but their love for her was heartening nonetheless.
Thorin chuckled when Dwalin told him how those Kili had spoken to during her
visit now sang high praises for her and boasted their experiences. Hallways
were apparently filled with chatters of how they had seen Kili wander among
common people one time or another. Thorin had no family to seek blessing from,
but his people’s approval of Kili filled that chasm well enough.
When the carriages finally appeared three days before the wedding was to take
place, the mountain fell into a hushed silence. Although he wasn’t in the habit
of welcoming his guests personally, instead letting them come pay their respect
to him in his throne room, Thorin made an exception this time. He waited just
inside the massive front doors, sitting on a gold chair. Although restless, he
didn’t show it, feeling the weight of eyes upon him. Most dwarfs in Erebor had
never seen him with Kili. There were many talks of how they had spent time
together, but few had actually witnessed it. This would be a rare opportunity
to see it and the last time such scene was to be seen by the public before they
married. The next time people saw them, they would be a married couple, king
and queen, restrained by private duties of those who entered a lifetime of
commitment to each other and to a kingdom. This last public scene of their
relative freedom was to be observed closely either for memory’s sake, to
predict their future together, or else to see the king’s famous stoicism come
to ruin. Either way, it was a source of great amusement and Thorin was keen to
not deliver but the necessary.
The sound of hooves battering the ground grew louder. Many of those present
craned their necks, eager to see how their future queen might have changed
since the last time she had been there, except for the most disciplined. It was
all Thorin could do to remain seated, gazing impassively as guards and
carriages entered the great mountain kingdom one by one. The first carriage to
enter was the one carrying Vilir’s family. Behind it a long line of heavily
guarded carriages containing the dowry followed, but Thorin didn’t give them
much attention. Vilir and Dis first emerged from their carriage, followed by
their children. Thorin was on his feet, approaching the family once he saw
Kili, whose bright eyes immediately locked onto him. She was almost breathless
when she thanked Thorin for welcoming them. Before her palpable excitement,
Thorin couldn’t help but feel the same. He had looked forward to their wedding,
of course, but his feelings were subdued by thoughts of future plans and
responsibilities. Kili, true to her optimistic nature, had little concern for
those, likely believing that they would definitely work out somehow. Seeing her
wide smile, Thorin was inclined to believe the same. Worries could wait to be
solved later. For now, Thorin wanted to think only of the happiness they would
share for the rest of their lives.
“Welcome home,” he whispered to her while her family toiled behind them to give
them a moment for reunion.
Kili smiled all the brighter to hear that. Thorin knew that Ered Luin with the
freedom it offered would always be a home for her, but he hoped she would find
the same comfort and joy Ered Luin had in Erebor. She had seemed to like it
well enough in her first visit. Thorin hoped the feeling extend to the present
and the future, so that she might make a place for another home in her heart—a
home with a family of their own, this time. The look she had when Thorin showed
her how Erebor had been altered for her, encouraged him. The way she inquired
after some dwarfs of Erebor indicated that she had made her home in his kingdom
long before he asked her to build one for them there. How Kili would feel in
the future, when she was fully settled here, Thorin could not tell. But, he
believed he had reasons to be confident she would not miss the old familiarity
of Ered Luin overly much.
Most of Kili’s belongings were transported to the queen’s chamber, but she
might not see, let alone stay, there just yet. Instead, she was placed in a
large apartment to accommodate the activities which were to happen in a couple
of days. A bride required more extensive preparation than a groom and thus a
great space was necessary. For Thorin’s part, he was content to leave himself
to the care of his very capable attendants. The same could not be said for
Kili, however, who would have a large group tending her. She very clearly
wasn’t happy with it, but she didn’t protest. It was, after all, a necessary
trouble. She could not make her first appearance as a queen with hair wild and
unbound, in old but comfortable dress and dirt-caked boots, and accessorized
only by a wide smile. That Thorin thought she would look as lovely that way as
when she was made into a virgin bride queen consort was of no importance.
They spent the rest of the day resting. The next day, Thorin invited Kili and
Fili to join him for a walk. Vilir and Dis were only too happy to let them go,
for tomorrow was sure to be so very busy that neither of them would have time
to enjoy themselves. Once permission was granted, Thorin led his young guests
through a series of corridors. These were familiar places filled with friendly
faces that beamed at them in excitement. Where Thorin led them to, however, was
increasingly deserted. They seemed surprised when he dismissed most of their
attendants, leaving only those who were most loyal. This much smaller party was
led through a complex route that at first glance seemed to lead deep into the
mine, but it was not so. At a darkened corner Thorin stopped and, after
ascertaining that no one was in sight, pushed a wall to make it give way for a
secret path. Kili looked astonished by this, but this wasn’t his surprise for
her. No, it was what lied at the end of this secret path that wound up and down
that was his surprise. Kili was shifting in nervous excitement when they
reached another stone wall which hid a secret door. Thorin smiled to her and
brought her hand to a panel on the wall. A gentle press was all it took to make
the stone shifted and let bright sunlight in. They all narrowed their eyes as
they adjusted from darkness to light and the sight that greeted them once they
regained their sight brought a delighted gasp to Kili’s lips.
A vast garden lay before them. In reminiscence of Kili’s garden in Ered Luin,
trees stood tall to provide shades among flowers of every conceivable color.
Hedges lined pathways made of polished stone (Thorin had only barely refrained
from ordering marble pathway, reminding himself that Kili would prefer the
garden to be as natural as possible rather than as luxurious as possible.)
Fountains and pools were scattered throughout the place, some of them enclosed
by shrubs, trees, and tall flowers. There were also small clearings of land
where she might have a picnic if she so desired and benches where she might
rest if she ever grew tired of walking around the place. The dwarven touch was
apparently in the many small paths leading to various parts of the garden, much
more winding and expansive than Kili’s garden in Ered Luin. There was geometry
in the design, much more pronounced than in Ered Luin, but softened by the
unpredictable growth of nature. Birds flew overhead, chirping happily, and
butterflies fed from the flowers hungrily. Rustles could be heard here and
there, a sign that mountain life had found its way to the private garden.
Thorin was content to follow Kili as she explored the garden with breathless
exhilaration. She walked quickly, as if impatient to map the place. A few times
she forgot herself and ran after small critters, laughing when they easily
escaped her. Perhaps in the future bigger docile creatures should be
introduced, but Thorin would leave that to Kili’s discretion, for this garden
was hers to manage, a task he had no doubt she would take with utmost delight.
Thorin walked behind Kili and smiled whenever she exclaimed in admiration about
something she spotted. A sliver of worry crossed Thorin’s mind when she looked
at some trees longingly, but he pushed it aside. He had asked for the garden to
be designed this way in knowledge of Kili’s character. Had he no care for her
interests, he would have the place devoid of trees. No. In this garden she
might drop all pretenses and careful control required of a dwarf of her future
station. If she wished to climb trees or chase animals or simply bask in the
sun, so be it. It was within her rights to do and Thorin would not deny her the
pleasure.
“How do you like your garden?” he asked her, smiling, when she paused to marvel
at an elaborate fountain made as if to sprout from a piece of rock.
Kili turned to him, eyes sparkling in happiness. “Words fail me,” she replied,
her wide grin suggesting the truthfulness of the answer.
Quite pleased with himself, Thorin nodded. “I modeled it after what I remember
of your garden in Ered Luin. There are some differences, of course, as the
terrain is rather different.”
“I assure you I have no cause to complain!”
“There is perfect privacy here. This garden is enclosed by walls and rocks, and
there are guards to make sure that no one trespasses. You may change anything
here as you wish. This place is completely under your command.”
Kili laughed. “But it’s perfect! I can’t think of anything I want to change!”
Thorin smiled and didn’t argue. “I’m afraid there is no view of a city below in
here—the Lonely Mountain doesn’t allow for a garden to be built on its surface.
But, there may be something to compensate for the lack of view. Follow me.”
Intrigued, Kili obeyed. Deeper into the garden they went, until the Lonely
Mountain was almost entirely hidden from view. Then, the trees became sparse
and completely disappeared and a wall of tall hedges came to view. In the
center was an opening to winding pathway. Kili’s cry of delight when she saw
the maze brought a proud smile to Thorin’s face. It was him who had thought of
a maze as a nice reminder of dwarf mines, the very veins of dwarf civilization.
Some of the tangled path led to dead ends, others to endless loops, yet others
to beautiful statues and fountains. In the center, there was a small gazebo
with blue roof tiles and ivy crawling up the wooden structure, as if to swallow
it to become one with nature. The exit on the far end of the maze could only be
reached by taking three very specific routes (for Thorin shuddered to think
there was only one and Kili might find herself lost in the labyrinth,) which
were partly obscured from sight. Cleverly designed, it wouldn’t be easy to find
those routes, a challenge that Thorin was confident Kili would gladly take.
“Can one of the best hunters of Ered Luin find the way out of this labyrinth?”
Thorin mused.
Kili didn’t need more prompting. A quick flash of grin and off she dashed
without thought to the maze. Fili made a noise of alarm behind them but fell
quiet in resignation. It was just as well, since he would only be wasting his
breath, Kili having made up her mind to explore her new domain. Fili and Thorin
watched as Kili disappeared from view with a quick right turn. The hedges
muffled her quick footsteps and before too long they couldn’t hear her at all.
It was as if she was swallowed by the nature, stolen away from the mountain and
Thorin’s embrace. But, Thorin wasn’t too concerned. Kili wasn’t one to be taken
anywhere without her consent. If she were to disappear, it would be because she
desired to be so. If she wanted otherwise, she would, through skill and sheer
persistence, find her way back to Thorin’s arms.
“This is very generous of you,” Fili said.
“I only aim to please her,” Thorin demurred. “She won’t be content if she’s
kept away from nature, but Erebor doesn’t have the kind of wilderness Ered Luin
does. This is all I can do to satisfy her longing.”
Fili looked at him in amusement. “You should learn to refuse her,” he
suggested.
“I should,” Thorin agreed. “But not in this.”
Their conversation was interrupted by Kili’s call. “Fili! Thorin! Come!” she
cried from somewhere in the maze.
Thorin and Fili exchanged a smile and heeded to her call. Fili didn’t take long
to break into a run, for despite his suggestion he was the one most incapable
of refusing Kili. Thorin followed more slowly, taking in the sight around him.
He had been in the garden only a few times when it was still being constructed
to make sure that it was as he remembered of Kili’s garden in Ered Luin. It was
an unusual request to be made, to say the least, but no one dared to deny the
King. So, the builders had diligently set themselves to the task of realizing
Thorin’s vision of a forest garden, starting from before Thorin even set his
foot on the carriage to take him back home. The work itself had been done in
secret by trusted dwarfs who had been sworn to secrecy. Here, in this section
of Erebor invisible from the mountain and protected by walls disguised as
natural part of the landscape, they had worked. Some would say they had even
defied their very nature by constructing this garden, yet when Thorin first set
eyes upon the barely started present for his bride, he had seen not one thing
to criticize.
Thorin walked slowly down the path of the maze, recalling the map he was given
by the chief constructor of the garden. Had he not seen it and taken the
precaution to memorize it, he would be lost in no time for certain. Thorin was
a tall dwarf, but the hedge towered above him, enough to obstruct the view of
Men of average height. The wall of green was very thick, too, not allowing even
the barest of view to the other side. Thorin walked slowly, reconciling the map
in his mind with the reality. He chuckled when he heard Fili in the distance,
calling his sister, and Kili’s answering laughter. He imagined she would spend
quite some time here. Or rather he hoped she would. It pleased him to imagine
her walking about freely in the garden, away from the judging eyes of the
society. It made him laugh quietly when he thought of her hiding away from her
ladies-in-waiting in this maze or somewhere deep in the garden. It made his
heart flutter when he imagined her teaching their children to love nature as
much as she did.
Thorin shook his head in silent reprimand. He was thinking too far ahead—they
hadn’t even married! Furthermore, the thought of childbearing so early in life
still made Thorin ill and Kili had expressed her lack of interest in young
motherhood besides. It would be just the two of them for a while, until Kili
was ready, whenever that might be. The decision was not his to make. No royal
blood could force the course of nature and alter the mind of a dwarf, so he had
to wait. Thorin didn’t think he would mind it overmuch, if at all. After all,
he didn’t wish to marry Kili out of dutifulness to his people. No, she wasn’t
here because Thorin needed an heir or to create peace in his kingdom. She was
here in Erebor two days away from their wedding because Thorin wanted her as
his life companion, because she made him happy, because she challenged him,
because she proved to be his equal despite their differences. Thus it followed
that for Thorin what came first was her well-being and happiness. Their duties
to their people, important though they were, Thorin would not force onto her.
As for what Kili felt, Thorin dared not presume or enforce his view. After all,
she was her own person. How she saw and felt for him was entirely at her own
discretion. All Thorin could do was hope she felt at least half of what he did
for her.
Lost in pleasant thoughts, Thorin was caught off guard when a hand emerged from
a passage he had passed to grab his arm. He stiffened in defense for only one
moment before he saw that it was only Kili. Then, he allowed himself to be
pulled to where she was and pushed against a wall of green. A delicate yet
strong hand was put on his chest and infinitely soft lips descended upon his
lips. Thorin closed his eyes, breathing in the scent of Kili’s warm skin, as
she eagerly but inexpertly coaxed his lips open. He slowed her down, showing
her the pleasure of taking one’s time to fully enjoy intimacy. He felt her
shudder when he carefully licked inside her mouth, slowly igniting passion
instead of letting it all burn out at once. Kili’s mimicry of his action was
awkward, but no less pleasurable. Her hands clenched on Thorin’s coat as she
angled her head to allow him more access. Fearing a loss of control, Thorin put
his hands on her waist, holding on tightly as Kili slowly claimed his mouth,
breaking the kiss a few times only briefly to draw a deep breath before leaning
in for more and more and more.
A quiet moan emitted from Thorin’s throat as he surrendered his lips and mouth
to her. He took some retribution, of course, and Kili whimpered when he chased
the lingering taste of sweet fruit they had had for dessert. They kissed
endlessly, giving and taking and losing themselves to each other. When his
desire was slowly but surely awakened, Thorin tightened his hands on Kili’s
waist and broke the kiss to skim his lips over her flushed cheek.
“Patience,” he reminded her. He swallowed thickly as her warm breath caressed
him but resolutely held himself back. Only a couple of days more and they could
enjoy each other as much as they wanted, but not now, not yet. Thorin rested
his forehead on hers and watched her breathe heavily. Kili’s full lips were
kiss-swollen and her complexion reddened. There was slackness in her expression
that suggested that she very nearly lost herself in passion. Thorin’s cock
twitched between them and he was extremely glad for the many layers of clothes
between them that concealed this and her relative innocence that made her
unaware of it.
“Thank you,” Kili whispered.
“If this is what I get for building you a garden, I will make you a million
more,” Thorin joked.
Kili laughed quietly and pulled away slightly for a better look of him. “There
are easier ways to get my kisses.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “You can just
ask, for example.”
“Is it so?” Thorin ask drolly. “Then, may I have more?”
Kili smirked mischievously. “Say ‘please,’” she said brazenly, as demanding as
a queen.
Thorin didn’t hesitate, eyes darting to her pink lips. “Please.”
They met halfway, kissing with the same slowness and thoroughness as before.
Kili’s hands wandered over his chest and neck to tangle her fingers in Thorin’s
dark hair. Thorin groaned quietly, hands tightening on Kili’s waist briefly
before he remembered himself with difficulty, as she pulled him deeper into the
kiss, pressing her soft body close to his hardened one. Heat started to grow
between them, broken suddenly by Fili’s voice from somewhere too close for
comfort. Before Thorin knew it, Kili had slithered out of his embrace to run
away. She threw a coy look at him before she disappeared, as if daring him to
chase her. He resisted the urge, however, and took a moment to regulate his
breaths and master his desire. Only then, he went after his lover by following
the ghost of her laughter. He found her and Fili in the gazebo, talking about
what she would do in the garden once she had a chance. Upon seeing Thorin, she
smiled triumphantly but fortunately refrained from making any mention of his
state of mild dishevelment. Huffing in amusement, he joined them. Though he
participated little, she didn’t mind, boldly pressing their sides together to
allow their fingers to flirt while Fili pretended to not notice anything.
Once properly rested, they explored the maze again. Kili was the first to find
the exit, followed very closely by Fili. Afterward, they explored the garden
again until it was time for lunch and they decided to return to the mountain.
Although reluctant to return to his obligations, Thorin did also plan to show
Kili the vast wealth of royal jewelries she was allowed to choose from for
their wedding and his wedding presents for her. While silk and leather clothes
sewn and embroidered with gold threads and dripping with jewels and jewelries
of pure gold and mithril decorated with colorful gemstones didn’t interest her,
a set of weapons he gave her as a part of her wedding presents proved to be an
effective incentive to move her from the garden. So, Thorin led them back into
the mountain, once again showing Kili how the secret passages worked. There, in
the dim light, Thorin and Kili hid their linked hands. Every so often, Kili
squeezed his hand and Thorin replied by stroking hers with his thumb. The
ancient stone surrounding them was cold. Yet, despite all these, Thorin had
never felt warmer.
===============================================================================
As anticipated, the next day was filled with hectic preparation. After very
quick breakfast, Thorin and Kili were ushered to the hall to rehearse the
wedding. Although all of them were familiar with the tradition, none of them
had seen such level of care put into it. Thorin himself was rather surprised to
see that every little thing had been carefully planned as to produce
perfection.
Dori, a distant relative to Thorin, was tasked with arranging the wedding and
took his responsibilities seriously and yet with great pleasure. He instructed
Thorin and Kili firmly and watched them very closely as they practiced for
their wedding. They mustn’t walk too slow or too quickly. Kili must kneel
carefully to avoid wrinkling her dress. Thorin’s long coat mustn’t get caught
under his feet when he stood up. They mustn’t stand together too closely to
provide the best view of their appearances. Thorin must hold Kili’s hand high
enough to be seen by those standing furthest from them. Kili must refrain from
smiling as this would be a serious occasion. They must stand as still as
possible while they were admired, allowing guests to store the moment in their
memories to be retold many times in the future. On and on the instructions went
until Thorin wondered if he should have taken Kili’s suggestion to elope. It
was a nonsensical thought, of course, and resignedly they obeyed the
directions, walking up and down the large hall until the instructions were
ingrained in their bodies. It was Kili’s first taste of a political performance
and Thorin was pleased to see her bear it with dignity and determination. Not a
word of complaint left her mouth and she was quick to heed every correction. If
this was a preview of the kind of queen consort she would be before their
people, Thorin was sure she would only need little guidance to be perfect for
the role.
Once satisfied that they had memorized everything they should, they were
separated. Kili was brought to her room while Thorin was led to his study. They
were then separately presented with the contract that would make their marriage
official and established their duties to each other. Considering their present
and future roles, the stipulations were numerous. Most couples only had to
consider private duties to each other in their households, but Thorin and Kili
had to think of their public roles as well. Beyond the respect, care,
obligations and affection customarily mentioned in such contracts, there were
terms detailing the tasks they were to assume in the governance of Erebor. Even
in matters of their private household, there was much to discuss as theirs
wouldn’t be a common one. All these put together resulted in a very long piece
of parchment that would grow longer still.
Kili read the unaltered common contract first in her room and sent her requests
along with the contract back to Thorin. Then, with Balin’s help, Thorin
scrutinized the provisions proposed by Kili describing her duties to him and
Erebor, while Vilir stood by, explaining his daughter’s reasoning and
bargaining when Thorin asked for revisions. Once change was agreed on, the
parchment was sent back to Kili with a note describing Thorin’s own proposed
changes. The same process applied to her and once she had made necessary
changes, the contract once again arrived in Thorin’s study with another request
for amendments.
The negotiation continued throughout the day, trusted attendants tirelessly
running from one side of the mountain to another to deliver the contract. Small
notes were added on the margin of the parchment until there was barely any
space left. Then, small pieces of parchment were attached to the side to
provide additional room. When both parties had found each other’s contracts
satisfactory, the contents of the contracts had expanded to over twice the
original size. Thorin was pleased to note the sensibility and thoroughness of
the demands Kili made to him and the tasks she had set for herself. It seemed
that it was a good idea to assign Dis and Dain to assist her. Dain was
experienced in the legal side of negotiation while Dis knew what a lady was to
expect and ask for in marriage. The selection of Dis as one of Kili’s aid and,
later, witness for the contract was unusual because such role were usually
assigned to males. No doubt it would cause a stir when people discovered it
later. But, Thorin thought it was fitting for the change that was to take place
in the near future. Already, their contract stipulated Kili to take an active
role in supporting Thorin in various conditions outlined in the lengthy
footnotes and Thorin to seek and respect her opinions. These were
unconventional conditions to make in such contract and although people would
not know this, as they were private documents meant to be kept away from prying
eyes, the fair terms still pleased Thorin greatly.
Dinner was held separately. Thorin wasn’t to meet his bride until they wed
tomorrow. He half-expected Kili to find ways to smuggle herself to his
apartment as she had done before in Ered Luin, but she did none of that. Thorin
didn’t know whether it’s because she had learnt to behave herself or because
she needed the time. There was much to reconcile, he understood. More so for
her than for him. Thorin, who had had a taste of most things the world had to
offer, was slightly nervous for the change to come. He could barely imagine how
Kili felt having to relinquish the freedom of youth so soon in life. He trusted
her not to change her mind (though she wouldn’t be the first bride to do so on
the eve of her wedding,) although he wished he could be with her to allay their
maudlin thoughts. Alas, their own comfort was all they had tonight. Thorin
climbed into bed wishing his bride well. As for himself, he found sleep the
best medicine for his burgeoning impatience.
Come morning, his attendants flowed into his chamber to prepare him. Thorin
washed himself thoroughly, then quietly withstood the abuse on his person as
his attendants brushed and braid his hair and dressed him to perfection. When
he looked at himself in a mirror, he saw that his hair shone under the
sunlight, the dark fur coat he had had made for the occasion brought out the
stature he had gained training as a warrior, his rich blue outfit with its
golden embroidery down his chest and over his forearms emphasized his power,
the mithril beads and large belt he wore showcased his almost unlimited wealth,
and the raven crown atop his head served as a reminder that he was the King
under the Mountain. Yet, nearly hidden under all these regalia was a simple
dwarf eager to be joined with his beloved in matrimony. Thorin hoped that that
was the dwarf Kili saw when they met to be wed later.
First, they had legality to settle, though. Thorin was once again led to his
study where Vilir and Balin had waited for him. Here, with a fresh view of an
impending marriage, he reviewed the contract he had made the day prior. It was
not too late for any amendment, but Thorin was satisfied with what he read.
Under the watchful gazes of his dear friend and future father in-law, he signed
the contract with little flourish. There! Now he had promised to love and
respect his beloved. Any violation of said promises could be easily held
against him simply by pointing out the appropriate article this long piece of
parchment. It was, in a way, a shackle. He fully understood why some viewed
marriage as suffocating and restrictive. Yet, as he looked at the contract
before him, he only felt exceedingly proud. Look! Here was the written and
legal prove of his love and commitment to the lovely dwarf who had consented to
be his wife! Here was everything he gladly offered Kili and everything Kili
kindly accepted from him in return! If ever any doubt lingered on the sincerity
of his intention toward her, it should have been put to rest now with the
signing of this contract.
An attendant was sent to Kili’s apartment to give her the contract to sign.
Meanwhile, Thorin, Balin, and Vilir indulged in small talks as they waited for
news from Kili. Balin kindly praised the agreeableness of the match and Vilir
agreed. Thorin had heard that fathers often imparted some wisdom to the groom
in this occasion, but Vilir said nothing. Unlike his wife and son, Vilir had
kept himself away during the course of Thorin’s courtship. It should not be
construed for his lack of care, but he was clearly content to let the rest of
his family handle the confusing affair and Thorin was quite confident he had
his full blessing. This belief was confirmed later, when an attendant came with
the relieving news that Kili had signed the contract. This meant that the
wedding would soon commence. Without further ado, Thorin set out to the hall,
but paused when Vilir daringly grabbed his arm. He smiled at Thorin warmly and
then in an unprecedented paternal gesture, gently pushed him to the door with a
hand on his shoulder. This silent encouragement was well-understood and Thorin
left his study with a full heart.
Standing outside the hall to wait for Kili to be ready on the other side of the
hall, Thorin could hear the steady murmur of his excited court. They had kept
to a rigidly enforced schedule, but it didn’t stop everyone from thinking that
event had moved too slowly. Thorin huffed a quiet laughter. He had waited two
years for this moment. His court could wait a moment more. Though that didn’t
mean eagerness didn’t plagued him. Indeed, it’s a struggle to maintain a calm
charade when all he wished was to be inside the hall, standing before Kili to
be married to her. But, love-struck or not, Thorin was always mindful of the
impression he made. So, he took careful breaths, recalling the rehearsal he had
painstakingly partaken in the previous day, and waited for the cue to enter.
It came at long last (two years!) from an excited attendant. Thorin took a deep
breath and brought himself up to his full height and stature. The large double
doors before him opened from inside at the same time as their twins across the
hall. Voices died down as he stepped into the hall and gazed for the first time
at his very-soon-to-be wife. Kili was dressed in a beautiful gown colored green
for Erebor and blue for Ered Luin. The edges were lined with gold embroideries
and silver laces and there was grey fur around her upper arms. Thorin had left
when Kili chose her jewelries the other day, so this was the first time he saw
her selections, and she didn’t disappoint. Glittering jewels adorned her
fingers and collarbone. Part of her dark hair was tamed into braids and held
back by mithril beads. Atop her head was a simple tiara shaped into a half
circle band with yellow gold lining, subtle engraving of raven wings on the
white gold panel, and a vibrant blue lapis lazuli in the center. The tiara was
a jewelry last used over a century ago, on the wedding day of Thorin’s parents.
It struck Thorin that of all the royal jewelries he had given Kili access to,
she had chosen the jewelry that was last worn by his mother on her wedding. It
was as if the mother he barely knew had given her blessing to this young bride
he had so feared would meet the same fate as she. If Thorin sought assuring
good omen for their future, he needn’t look any further.
Kili didn’t smile when she and Thorin stopped on either side of an anvil, but
her eyes danced in happiness. As one they knelt and at the prompting of an old
dwarf who was to wed them, they clasped their right hands together and put them
on top of the anvil. The guests quietly shuffled closer with those higher in
rank standing at the front for the best view and the rest craning their necks
for a glimpse of the ceremony. Thorin paid this no mind, keeping his eyes only
on Kili as the old dwarf recited various blessings for them.
How drastically opinion could change in a matter of a few years. Not too long
ago he was repulsed by the thought of marrying someone so young, then he went
across the world to seek her affection, and now he knelt before her, eagerly
waiting their union. Thorin was hard pressed not to smile as he thought of the
changes Kili had invoked in him. They were great changes, lesson he had never
thought to learn before meeting her. And he dared say he had made some changes
in her, too, although whether they were good or not was for her to decide. He
knew for certain, however, that he made her happy because she hadn’t yet
mastered her expressions. Thorin read joy in her replies to his messages, saw
it in her eyes when he was near, heard it in her voice when she spoke to him,
sensed it in the gentleness she showed to no one else. Whatever his past,
present, and future failures and successes, he felt he could always be proud of
the simple yet great achievement of bringing happiness to his beloved.
A quiet murmur rose from the guests when Dis was mentioned as one of the
witnesses of Kili’s contracts, but it was quickly silenced. The old dwarf said
the lengthy final blessing with such confusing intonation and speed that,
although he knew it was coming, Thorin still started a little when a large
hammer was brought down upon his and Kili’s hands. His first instinct was to
pull his hand away and defend himself, but he managed to rein it and only
tightened his grip. Across from him, Kili flinched slightly, her nails digging
into the back of Thorin’s hand. Both of them were tense when the cool surface
of the heavy hammer brushed against the sides of their hands, but they relaxed
when they remembered that it would not go further and they would not be harmed,
that this was merely a blessing from Durin and the forging of their bond.
The old dwarf removed the hammer and announced with great satisfaction to the
entire hall that Thorin and Kili had steadfastly remained holding hands, a
great sign that they would overcome any adversary in their married life with
courage, loyalty, and compassion. He stepped back and Thorin and Kili pulled
their hands apart to rise to their feet. Then, Thorin took her right hand in
his left one and, as one, they stepped forward to face Erebor’s court, their
joined hands held up for all to see. One by one, like a ripple in still water,
the lords and ladies in attendance bowed deeply, giving their respect to the
King and Queen under the Mountain.
===============================================================================
The feast was nothing anyone had ever seen before. Songs of marital bliss were
sung by cheerful court minstrels to reverberate in the mountain. Food made of
the freshest vegetables and most tender meat was served ceaselessly on silver
plates. Potent wine that would make the Elvenking envious was poured into
hundreds of goblets well into the night. There was wealth and beauty everywhere
one turned. The hall was filled with smiling faces and happy laughter. Similar
view was seen in other places in Erebor and other dwarf colonies across Middle
Earth. Taverns were turned into dining halls and when excited dancers could not
fit in the particularly tight spaces, they took to the streets and turned them
into ballrooms. The whole of dwarf race was in celebration of the king’s
nuptial. And to think this would continue for a whole week!
Thorin and Kili sat at the highest table in the hall of Erebor, watching the
festivities before them. He expected Kili to demand a dance, but she seemed
content to merely laugh in delight at the spectacle and songs. Every now and
then she leaned toward Thorin to point out something and her hand casually
brushed against his. It surprised him still that now they didn’t have to
maintain a physical distance anymore. There was still public impression to
mind, of course. Too blatant displays of affection, even on their wedding day,
would invite mockeries, so as much as Thorin wanted to shower Kili with
attention, he was mindful of his behaviors toward her. Their feelings, keenly
felt though they were, were to be kept in private as much as possible. But,
Kili didn’t deny herself subtle things, such as small caress on his arm or
private smile, which tested Thorin’s self-control without her knowing. Thorin
fought to keep his expression neutral, to not be too obvious with the strength
of his adoration to his new bride, but from the amused smirks Dwalin kept
sending him, he wasn’t entirely successful.
Who could blame him, though? He was finally married (married! How strange the
concept was!) to the dwarf he had adored and desired for years. No more
separation now. No more anxious waiting for replies for her messages. No more
distant yearning. Kili was here with him, beside him, exactly where he had
always wanted her to be. Happy didn’t accurately describe Thorin now. He was
content, far more so than he could remember being. No, this marriage didn’t
suddenly remove all his troubles and promise a future free of difficulties.
But, it closed a gap in his life he hadn’t realized existed and he was glad for
it. Thorin looked at Kili, who was absorbed by the dance taking place before
them, smiling brighter than the dancing candlelight around the hall and warmer
than the forge pumping life in the center of Erebor. A distant star she was no
more. Now she’s as close as the Arkenstone. All his to love, all his to adore,
while he was utterly and entirely hers in return.
The closeness still required adjusting to, however. Thorin was well-versed in
controlling himself, but Kili had no such reserve. He knew she tried to behave
as expected from a queen, but her tactile way of showing her feelings and the
openness of her expression still betrayed her, and Thorin would have it no
other way. No matter the reason for a marriage, everyone wished for a warm
loving relationship rather than a cold distant one. Some might view this as
poor manner, but it did no harm. So, as hours went by, Thorin grew accustomed
to her touches and even learnt to dare to do the same in return, brushing his
hand against Kili’s knee under the table to gain her attention. It always made
her laugh quietly, but not in mockery. She looked at him with deep fondness,
understanding what he couldn’t say and what he wasn’t accustomed to doing. It
comforted Thorin to know that she didn’t mind him not being as publicly
demonstrative with his affection as Gloin was, or even as her parents were. He
didn’t think he could ever be, as he hadn’t been raised with open affection,
but for her he would try.
Still, it was quite a surprise when they were gently ushered to their adjoined
apartments. Thorin knew this was coming. He also knew many viewed this as the
most important purpose of marriage. Yet it still made his stomach twisted oddly
in anxiety to think that he was to consummate his marriage with Kili. All his
to love, indeed! Now kisses and touches weren’t stolen. They weren’t thieves,
for those were theirs to give and take from each other. Indeed, they were even
encouraged to do so. Strange how a short ceremony lasting barely a day could
change so much of how people perceive and treat them. The reversal almost made
Thorin laugh, but he managed to keep quiet as he was brought to his chamber,
though not before exchanging excited looks with his bride. Her teasing words in
her letters would become reality and in the privacy of her chamber he could
finally showed her what he had held back all this time. All his to love, and
love her he would.
His attendants removed the beads they had painstakingly put in his hair and
left but the two braids he customarily wore. His crown was carefully put away
and so were his heavy robes and jewelries. Thorin was stripped and then dressed
in nightwear, no longer a king but a common husband. He had promised Kili that
he wanted nothing but for her to be who she was in private and now he was to
present himself to her without title and power in the way. Oh, he had revealed
more of himself to her than anyone could ever know, but each time he was
constrained by distance and lack of privacy. Now, he would show her with
perfect honesty. How she would receive him, he didn’t know, but he hoped for
the best as his attendants left. Thorin took a deep calming breath. Control was
of essence tonight; he must not lose his grip on it. When he felt he was ready,
he put on a light robe which he left untied for easy removal and pushed open
the door leading to a corridor that ended in her bedchamber. His heart sped up
a little bit as he gazed at her door, the final barrier between him and Kili.
He pushed it open slowly and then closed it behind him.
The chamber was quiet except for the crackling fire in the fireplace. Soft
candlelight lit up the room. Warmth seeped into his skin. The scene of Kili’s
chamber was familiar but for one thing: Kili standing before the foot of her
bed, clad in the softest looking white nightdress. Her hair was freed from its
beautiful confines, left to cascade down her back in a shiny black waterfall.
The jewelries which had adorned her had been removed along with the dress that
had symbolized the unity of their kingdom. She was exactly how Thorin had
always thought of her: charming and simple. But, there was now a layer of
fragility he had never before seen. He believed her innocence was never more
prominent than this moment, when she was dressed in white and without any
embellishment but what she was born with. A virgin bride, but not a blushing
one, for she smiled widely when she saw Thorin. There wasn’t a trace of
embarrassment or, fortunately, worry. Kili was as ready to learn this new
aspect in her life as she always was when faced with something new. Thorin
leaned against the door, taking in the sight of her, admiring every inch of
her, engraving this sight in his memory.
It was Kili who broke the silence when Thorin spent too long merely gazing at
her. “Husband,” she greeted him playfully.
Thorin smiled. “Wife,” he returned, tasting the sweetness of the word for the
first time on his tongue. The rightness of it propelled him to approach her.
Kili’s smile widened as he came to stand in front of her. Thorin gazed at her
in marvel. He had longed for this moment for a very long time, but now that he
was here, he wasn’t sure where and how to start. There were so many things he
wanted to do, so many things he wanted to show her, so many things he wanted to
learn from her. His ardor awakened at the thoughts in his mind, but he held
back. He had to be careful. Thorin had no doubt of Kili’s strength and dwarfs
were generally more robust than other races, but this was delicate. So, Thorin
started with tucking a strand of hair behind Kili’s ear to better look at her.
Kili turned her head slightly, leaning toward his touch, and Thorin couldn’t
resist running his thumb down her jaw, where dark stubbles grew.
“I’m a little disappointed,” he said after a while.
Kili’s smile faltered slightly. “Oh?” she wondered. For the first time, Thorin
caught uncertainty in her. Feeling guilty, he quickly alleviated it.
“I was hoping I could take that dress off you myself,” he explained, resting
his hand on the side of her neck comfortingly.
Relief visibly washed over Kili, reminding Thorin how incredibly fragile this
moment was. “We can do that next time. We have all the time in the world.”
“We do,” Thorin breathed. And with that, he slowly leaned forward.
They kissed slowly, savoring the precious moment. There wasn’t a trace of
hastiness that had accompanied their previous kisses. Thorin gently plummeted
Kili’s soft lips, enjoying a closed-lipped kiss, before licking the seam of her
lips to coax her to part them. Kili obeyed readily, allowing him to taste the
freshness of the warmth of her mouth. A quiet moan issued from her mouth as
Thorin languorously claimed her mouth. Her hands rose up to cling to his
nightshirt while he cradled the back of her head to draw her nearer. Pressed
close together, she explored his mouth in turn, imitating him with only minimum
awkwardness. Thorin shivered when the tip of her tongue caressed the roof of
his mouth. His free hand flew to her waist to hold her back before he
remembered that he was now allowed to touch as much as he liked and his grasp
slipped down to her bottom.
Kili parted their lips to gasp in surprise, but Thorin drew her close for
another kiss. He swallowed her moans as he caressed her plump cheek, imagining
how her bare skin would feel under his hands. The thought of her soft skin made
his kiss grew hungrier, more demanding, and though she didn’t yet possess the
skill to properly return the attention, Kili still attempted to do so.
Brazenly, she licked Thorin’s tongue as he tasted every inch of her mouth and
tangled their tongues together, further inflaming the lust that made him stiff
and aching for the warmth of her body. Thorin pulled her closer, letting her
feel the hard column of his erection pressing against her lower belly. He
ground his cock there, leaving no doubt of his desire to finally have her. This
time, it was Thorin who broke the kiss, but only to lay many open-mouthed ones
on Kili’s neck and shoulders, only barely remembering that he must not leave
any visible mark.
Now without anything to muffle her voice, Kili whimpered and whined freely. She
arched her back as best as she could, pressing her breasts to Thorin’s broad
chest, inviting him to touch the soft swells he had inappropriately sampled in
Ered Luin. Unable to resist the temptation, Thorin moved his hand from the nape
of her neck to her breast. He marveled at how it rose and fell in his hand,
teasing him with the softness hiding beneath that waited for his touch and his
kisses. Groaning deeply, he sought her nipple and found it with ease. Pressing
his lips against Kili’s bared neck, Thorin peered down to watch himself toying
with the bud through thin fabric. He lightly rolled and pinched it until the
poor nipple pebbled under the white dress, poking the fabric temptingly.
Moaning quietly, Thorin lightly nipped at the skin under his lips, imagining
his lips were closed over Kili’s nipple to bathe it with his tongue over the
silky fabric until it was hard under the wet layer and she begged for the warm
wetness of his mouth and the agility of his hungry tongue. The lesson of
exquisite torture should wait, however, for he wished to first show her the
meaning of bliss.
A sharp gasp escaped Kili’s mouth when Thorin slid his leg between hers. Though
untried, she quickly understood and shamelessly rocked her hips against
Thorin’s strong thigh. Her hands moved to his shoulders, fingers digging deep,
as she rubbed the sensitive bud still yet hidden from view and touch, on
Thorin. So desperately and beautifully she moved, fully trusting Thorin to hold
her up while she rode his thigh as if she was already taking him insider her
and she was utilizing his cock to please herself. Thorin’s cock twitched and
started to leak as his bride rutted against his thigh, her head thrown back as
she moaned loudly for more. He could feel growing dampness through the layers
of cloth, an evidence of Kili’s desire for him. The thought of it, of her
wanting him, stoked the fire of lust gathering between his legs. Growling,
Thorin pulled her closer to him, so he could grind his hardness against her
gyrating hip and relief some of the ache of desire. Their lips met in a
passionate kiss as they rocked against and clung onto each other.
Thorin wanted to peak with her this way, shuddering and rutting against each
other on shaky legs and in each other’s arms. He wanted to have her in bed, so
he could properly worship her body until they both couldn’t bear the desires
for each other anymore and became one at last. He wanted to take her hard and
fast nowto show her the passion he had kept to himself all this time until she
begged for mercy and for more. He wanted so many things, but tonight wasn’t
chiefly about him. Thorin pulled away from Kili’s sweet mouth and ceased his
ministration, leaving her whining in protest and grinding even harder against
his thigh.
“Do you want to go further?” he asked breathlessly. “We can do this only or do
other things.”
For a while, Kili didn’t seem to comprehend him, but then with a pained groan
she stepped back and away from Thorin. They both shivered at the loss of
contact and body heat. Thorin couldn’t help but notice a small damp patch on
her night dress. His cock throbbed at the thought of licking the source of it
thoroughly until he saw, heard, breathed, tasted, and felt only Kili.
“I want everything,” Kili replied firmly. “I want you.”
Thorin’s heart pounded in his chest as he led Kili to bed. Once she had lain
down, he sat by her thigh and helped her remove her nightdress before removing
his outer robe. The clothes were tossed away, forgotten, as Thorin gazed at
Kili’s golden body spread out before him. For the first time, he could
appreciate how combat training had built her muscles, leaving her firm yet
lean. Her heaving breasts drew his eyes next, two perfect swells of softness
tipped with pink nipples that made him lick his lips hungrily. Down her mostly-
flat abdomen his gaze fell and to her narrow hips, not yet ready for
childbearing. Damp dark curls covered her sex, her body’s last natural layer of
modesty, though he could see a hint of skin pinkened by arousal. Thorin took a
deep breath as he took in her long legs, spread slightly in invitation. Unable
to resist, he put his hand on her thigh and slowly slid it down to caress the
sensitive inner side and up to just below her feminine flesh. Kili’s breath
caught and she squirmed, spreading her legs a little more, revealing her most
intimate place to his lustful gaze. The small slit was barely visible, but
candlelight revealed how it had dripped slickness to dampen her lips. Familiar
yet new scent of feminine desire hit Thorin, increasing his longing to seek its
source and losing himself in it. While his heart was pounding in his chest, his
fingers found her folds, stroking them softly and pausing just over her wet
entrance, a teasing promise for fulfillment.
Fingers or mouth? As Kili moaned desirously, Thorin fought for a decision. He
wanted to taste her, to tease her with licks on her swollen nub until she
cried, to delve inside to caress soft clenching muscles until she trembled
helplessly, to slick her passage with both saliva and her own natural
lubrication to ease his way later, to worship her as she had never been
worshipped before. Absently, he caressed the small parting of tender flesh,
making Kili writhe. Her skin was flushed with arousal as she panted for breath,
whimpering Thorin’s name in plea. Her eyes were heavy lidded while she gripped
the sheet tightly with shaking hands. Her hips bucked up, searching for
sensation but uncertain how. Thorin’s cock throbbed at the sight, yearning to
be sheathed inside her tight warmth. She made such a lovely view that Thorin
simply could not pass.
Making up his mind, Thorin lay on his side beside her. Immediately, Kili turned
toward him to seize his lips in a desperate kiss. Thorin indulged her, letting
her plunder his mouth while his fingers migrated up to caress her nub. His
fingers moved in quick small circles around it, making Kili squirm and spread
her legs wider. She bucked her hips up and strained toward his touch, holding
onto his arm tightly with a trembling hand. Gradually, her breath stuttered and
she broke the kiss to turn away, eyes shut as she focused on the pleasure
Thorin was giving her. She rolled her hips, chasing his circling fingers for
more of the fleeting yet intense pleasure, almost at her peak. Thorin knew he
could make her come any moment now, but he moved his fingers to caress her
entrance again. Before she could voice her displeasure for the loss of
sensation, he slid a thick digit inside, parting her slick flesh in one smooth
push. At this, Kili arched her back, gasping and eyes widening as Thorin filled
her for the first time.
Thorin licked his dry lips and ground his aching cock against Kili’s hip. “How
many fingers have you had here, hmm? Just one? Two?” he asked gruffly as he
moved his finger in and out of her slick passage. He grunted when her internal
muscles tightened around his digit, holding him close as she spread her legs
and pushed down toward the desired intrusion.
Kili shook her head frantically. “None,” she gasped out, bearing down to have
his finger deeper, already longing for Thorin’s cock though she didn’t know it
yet. She kissed Thorin clumsily and wetly and pulled away to moan desirously
when he curled his finger deep inside her, lightly caressing her soft walls. “I
tried… with the tip of my finger but… I want it to be you.”
The admission made Thorin groan. He smothered the noise in her neck, grinding
his throbbing cock harder against her. He moved his finger in quick in and out
successions, a poor imitation of what was to come: His thick length driving in
and out of her untouched body. Before him, Kili began to unravel. Her feet dug
into the bed for leverage to tilt his hips up whenever Thorin pushed his finger
into her. Her lips released a litany of pleas mixed with Thorin’s name. Did she
know what she asked for? Probably not, but Thorin would show her. He mouthed
the side of her neck, just above her frantic pulse, when he curled his finger
and finally found the right spot that made her cry out. He pulled away to watch
Kili at the throes of passion, how eagerly she moved on his finger as he
caressed that special place inside her over and over again. It wasn’t enough,
he knew that, and so with a grin she didn’t see, Thorin provided the heel of
his palm for her to grind his sensitive nub on.
The pressure was all she needed. Thorin panted harshly as Kili rubbed herself
shamelessly on his palm. Slickness dripped out of her and covered his finger
and finally, with a sharp cry of ecstasy and surprise, Kili came. Her eyes wide
but unseeing while her back arched and her passage gripped Thorin’s finger
tightly. A choked gasp escaped her before she fell back heavily to the bed,
trembling inside and out. The soft muscles around Thorin’s finger convulsed
lazily to milk what should’ve been Thorin’s seed, a preview of what they would
soon share. Kili closed her eyes when he kissed her gently, withdrawing his
finger to let her bask in the newfound afterglow.
Kili looked so beautiful flushed and panting in pleasure that Thorin almost
didn’t want to stop looking. But, the wetness of his finger and the throbbing
of his cock pressing against her hip reminded him of his promise. He let her
breaths evened out before asking, “Ready for more?”
Once Kili gave a slow nod, Thorin started all over again. This time he rolled
half on top of her. Thorin nosed at her neck, breathing in her sweet scent and
a hint of perfume, feeling his desire for her swell as she permeated deep into
his senses. Moaning, Thorin nipped and mouthed at her neck and chest. Where he
wished to leave dark spots, he left damp patches, instead. Kili moaned when he
closed his lips over her pink nipple that had tempted him so to swirl his
tongue around the pink bud, making it hard. Her back arched up whenever he
sucked on her nipple, no matter how lightly, and she gasped when his beard
caressed the soft skin of her breast. The combination of softness and
coarseness seemed to drive her mad, moaning his name loudly and pushing her
breasts up to urge him to bury his face there. The other breast received the
same treatment by Thorin’s warm mouth and agile tongue: licked, kissed and
sucked until the tender skin was pink and shiny with spit. He pulled away from
the tempting mound for a moment when Kili held his head with her hands. She
looked completely wrecked, panting harshly even as she smiled deliriously down
to Thorin. Feeling rather mischievous, he slowly licked the pink areola, around
and around with only the briefest sweep of the flat of his tongue on the bud
before he circled it again. Only after she whined out his name did he show
mercy and took the nipple into his mouth. He slipped his hands under Kili to
support her as she arched her back, begging for his lips, mouth, tongue, and
even beard on her soft body.
Pulling away to breathe, Thorin stared at Kili’s heaving breasts. The sight of
them flushed and damp due to his ministration spurred Thorin on. Filled with
love and lust, he shifted his attention to the soft underside. With his free
hand, he kneaded the breast and rolled the wet pink nipple, while his mouth
left red marks below the swell of flesh. Here, no one but them would know how
Kili had given herself to him and how Thorin had delightedly taken what was
offered, how Kili had inspired such uncontrollable lust in him and how Thorin
had introduced her to pleasure. Here, only they would know the reminders of
what they shared together, of his desire for her, and of her answering demands
for his body. Thorin sucked on a patch of skin hungrily, maddened by the
thought of sharing this secret pleasure with Kili. The sting of each mark was
soothed by his tongue until he couldn’t bear it anymore and found himself with
his mouth covering her nipple again, his tongue teasing the tip as he sucked
harshly and noisily on the bud and made her cry out his name.
Once this brief loss of control was satisfied, Thorin pulled away to admire the
red spots he had left below Kili’s breast where not even her ladies-in-waiting
would know. Possessiveness and affection urged him to rain kisses on her
flushed skin until he reached her lips. They shared a kiss full of invitation
and burning desire—wet and filthy and occasionally broken by breaths of each
other’s name. Thorin’s cock was near painful by now, having been mostly ignored
save for a few moments of grinding against Kili. He decided that it was time to
proceed.
Reluctantly, Thorin drew away to kneel at the foot of the bed. Under Kili’s
heated gaze, he removed his nightshirt and threw it haphazardly to join her own
clothing and his robe on the floor. Then, he presented himself to Kili’s eyes.
Thorin was confident, knowing he had nothing to be embarrassed of. He wasn’t as
muscular as some, but he was still well-built, his body showing the extensive
training he had partaken in. His scars she had seen, so he wasn’t too
concerned. A thick mat of hair was on his chest, thinning as it crossed his
abdomen, only to thicken again around his flushed cock. The thick muscles of
his thighs tightened to carry his weight, complementing the picture.
The sight intrigued Kili. She rose up and crawled to him curiously, making the
loveliest and most arousing sight Thorin had ever seen. He breathed steadily as
she lightly caressed his chest and combed the hair there with her fingers. She
explored his muscles, learning the jump and tensing of every sensitive part in
response to her (and only her from now on!). It was clear that her attention
was focused on one thing, however. Thorin smiled when she wrapped her fingers
of one hand around the rigid column of his erection as if to weigh it. The
touch was barely felt for she didn’t know yet how to pleasure him, but he
didn’t mind. He let her caress protruding veins along the length and test the
softness of the skin that contrast the stiffness hidden underneath. The thin
coating of early seed that covered it didn’t deter her. Kili tilted her head to
the side curiously, seeking its source. Thorin’s cock twitched in her hand when
she stroked the red tip with her thumb, causing more fluid to leak out.
Correctly guessing that this pleasured him, she continued doing that,
occasionally digging carefully into the tiny slit. Her free hand closed over
the neglected length, barely moving, as she examined his generous appendage. A
cloudy pearl beaded the slit under her attention, quickly swept up by Kili’s
thumb to be smeared around the rounded tip she revealed by carefully pulling
back the loose skin around it. Thorin gritted his teeth, desperately refraining
himself from pushing into her loose grip.
“You can kiss it if you want,” he suggested, his voice strained. The look of
surprise and distaste Kili sent him over this made him laugh. It seemed that
despite her eagerness and curiosity, she managed to remain oblivious to certain
things regarding lovemaking. Gently, Thorin removed her hands from his cock.
“You don’t have to, though I would really love it if you’d try next time. Now,
let’s continue.”
Kili’s breathing was labored when she lay back on the bed. Stroking her thighs
to comfort her, Thorin settled between her legs. From there, he could see her
entrance, flushed with blood and slightly stretched due to the recent
exploration of his thick finger, but still so small. Reminding himself to be
careful, he covered her body with his and smiled when she wrapped her arms
around him welcomingly. He started kissing her neck, then her jaw, and finally
her lips, where she admitted his questing tongue without prompting. They kissed
slowly, deeply, and Kili sighed in pleasure when he fingered her again, teasing
the infinitely soft partings before slowly slipping his finger into her
entrance.
It seemed that Kili had learnt how to take her pleasure this way, for her
passage rather quickly relaxed around Thorin’s finger and she almost
immediately began to move her hips in time with his thrusting digit. He
pleasured her for a while, arousing her all over again so that she was properly
slick, before pulling his hand away to guide his dripping cock. Thorin moaned
into Kili’s whimpering mouth as he made his flared tip caress her slit up and
down, pushing in just slightly and then teasing them with needs again. It would
be a tight fit, he knew, as he rested the rounded head just over her slick core
that fluttered under the slight pressure. The thought both aroused and
frightened him and he groaned deeply when Kili pushed back, inviting him into
her body.
Desperately, Thorin ended the kiss. “Oin’s herbs?” he asked urgently. He had
done all he could to prepare her for him, but he had to rely on Oin to
circumvent the potency of his seed.
“Will be ready in the morning,” Kili replied quickly. “Come on, Thorin,” she
demanded, squirming impatiently.
Swallowing thickly, Thorin rose to his elbow so he could properly bring himself
inside her. “Tell me if it hurts too much so I can stop,” he implored.
Laughing breathlessly, Kili pulled him down to a chaste kiss that betrayed
nothing of their passion. She smiled fondly at him when she broke it. “You are
too good. I will.” Her hands found his sides and held onto him tightly as she
rocked her hips, teasing herself with his dripping tip. “Please,” she breathed.
Helpless to such a plea, Thorin started to push inside, his wide tip forcing
Kili’s entrance open. Predictably, she gasped sharply in pain, her instinct
making her jerk away from the intrusion. Thorin didn’t try to stop her,
following her instead. “Breathe,” he instructed gently. “Try to relax.”
There was nothing Thorin could do but calm her with words, telling her to
breathe and let him inside. He pressed in relentlessly, although it hurt him to
see the deep frown on Kili’s face as she fought the natural reaction of her
body. It took a while and his cock ached even more at the flutters on softness
kissing its weeping tip, but Thorin wouldn’t have it any other way, for he
dreaded to think of causing her even more pain than he already did. He paused
many times, teased her with his wet tip to arouse her, and pushed in ever so
slowly that he had to clench his teeth to control himself. But, eventually, the
fat head of his cock was engulfed by wet heat and he moaned loudly as she
convulsed around him in confusion, unused to such a large intrusion into a part
of her that previously nothing but a finger had explored. Groaning, Thorin
urged Kili to turn her head toward him and kissed her deeply when she complied.
Her whimpers disappeared into his mouth as he pushed in gently. He slid into
Kili inch by pleasurable inch, stopping every time she tightened in pain and
continuing when she opened around him. His finger had barely made a way for his
cock, for she was tight around him, clenching him in an embrace he never wished
to let go. Deeper than his digits he went, further into Kili’s untouched body,
and she gasped and writhed beautifully as she was taken inexorably.
One final inch and their bodies pressed together, Thorin cock fully buried deep
inside Kili. They panted harshly against each other’s lips and Thorin had to
close his eyes tightly to stop himself from ending this prematurely. He had
waited so long for this. His lovesick imagination couldn’t prepare him for
this, for the welcoming warmth around his throbbing cock, for the temptation of
her heaving breasts pressed against his chest as she wrapped her arms around
his shoulders, for the intimacy of burying his face in Kili’s neck while she
quietly whimpered his name. Her muscles quivered around him, giving him
pleasure beyond imagination and yet reminding him of the care he must employ.
With a groan, Thorin lifted himself to his elbows and slowly rocked his hips,
getting her used to lovemaking.
Though shallow and gentle, every thrust pushed a gasp from Kili’s mouth.
Inside, Thorin could feel her convulsing virgin passage learn to accommodate
his girth. It wasn’t easy. Sometimes, Kili tightened with a hitch in her
breath, clutching his arms almost painfully. There was then little else Thorin
could do but stayed as still as possible and kissing her sweat-dampened face
while he waited for her to relax around him. She was so young and almost too
small for him. He could tell that it was strange and uncomfortable for her to
part her legs so widely for him and to allow his girth to stretch her untouched
body. A thought of stopping crossed his mind, but he didn’t think Kili wanted
it after many months of teasing each other with imaginings of finding bliss in
physical union. So, he rolled his hips, trying to find the best ways for their
bodies to fit together. It took a moment and some pitiful whines, but finally
Kili cried out in pleasure as Thorin surged into her body.
Thorin watched carefully as Kili’s expression was slowly overcome by pleasure.
As Thorin claimed her with shallow little thrusts, Kili blinked slowly, as if
surprised by what she was capable of feeling, and this was only the beginning.
As she became used to him, Thorin withdrew further from her body, leaving her
partly empty, making her whine for him to fill her again. He heeded her
wordless plea, pushing slowly, ensuring that she felt every little drag of his
length on her clutching muscles. Kili moaned in delight when he slid into her
and sighed in satisfaction whenever he was back to being fully encased in her
body. Her body’s demand was clear: She wished him to complete her, fill the
hollow he had carved inside her for only him. Thorin dared to thrust a little
harder into her, jostling her body slightly as his hips smacked softly against
her rump. It made her moan and he smiled onto her shoulder, pleased and
relieved that he had brought her pleasure instead of pain.
A trembling touch on the side of his face startled him. Thorin looked up to see
Kili watching him affectionately. Moving steadily, he allowed her caress his
face and down to his chest to lightly brush his pebbled nipple and further to
his abdomen to tickle the clenching of his muscles. Exhaling quietly, Kili
moved her hands to his back, tracing the powerful cords of muscles there. How
they tightened every time Thorin pushed into her seemed to fascinate her. Her
fingernails dug into his skin lightly, making him shiver. His movements
stuttered for a moment before he regained his control, taking her at a steady
pace. Then, much to his surprise, she carefully wrapped her legs around
Thorin’s waist, her ankles crossing just over his buttocks.
Thorin watched, mesmerized, as Kili began to tilt her hips up to meet his
thrusts. She bit her lip as she brought him deep inside her, his cock buried to
the hilt in her and his stones pressing against her pelvis, her body tightening
with pleasure every time he gave her everything he had. Whispering her name
helplessly, Thorin bent down to kiss her passionately. Kili returned it with
equal fervor, moaning as their tongues tangled, as they claimed each other.
Gradually, Thorin increased his pace, withdrawing less and less to impale her
with his length. Their hips met with gentle smacks as the scent of sex and
their muffled moans filled their senses. Thorin held Kili’s hip to steady her
as he thrust into her in earnest, his free hand groping her beautiful breast.
Kili pushed back and clenched around him hungrily, demanding more and more.
Still, Thorin was careful not to use all his strength, unsure if Kili was able
to take it yet. It didn’t matter much. He could feel himself hardening further,
his stones tightening in preparation of his release. Below him, Kili pulled him
closer with arms and legs around him, as if she couldn’t have enough of him.
So, Thorin complied, barely keeping from crushing her as he covered her
entirely, hips surging forward into her tight core that tightened more and
more.
A hard thrust and Kili tore her lips away from his to cry out, body seizing
around him as she came. Around Thorin’s cock, her slick muscles spasm and
clenched. Thorin gritted his teeth as he stopped to allow Kili to enjoy the
pleasure of coming while stretched to the limit and filled to the brim. The
strain of keeping his control was almost too difficult for him to bear. His
body shook as Kili twitched and trembled under him, her lips parting to let out
the most beautiful gasps and moans. Thorin groaned as her tight body gently
massaged his aching cock, inviting him to spill his royal seed in the perfect
channel.
Thorin was at the end of his control when Kili finally came down from the
height of pleasure, trembling. Relieved and desperate, he took her with a
couple of quick thrusts, making her whine in pleasure. Thorin seized her mouth
in a stormy kiss as he chased his release, his hips snapping back and forth.
His stones felt too heavy and full as he sought to fully lay his claim on his
bride. He chanted Kili’s name against her lips, each breath carrying a
different message of love. Her surrender—the heady sighs she let out, the
desirous arching of her back, the flowering submission of her most intimate
place—burnt his desire even hotter and filled him with no other thought but to
come. Then, the pleasure that had overtaken him peaked and burst. Thorin
groaned as he came inside her, copious amount of pearly seed coating her
passage. Her quivering body helped him through his completion as he helplessly
undulated his hips to release every drop of his essence. The shock of ecstasy
made his nerves tingled and he knew he would forever crave to share this
feeling with Kili.
Thorin slowed down and then came to a halt, panting harshly. A sense of wonder
overwhelmed him. It seemed a dream that he and Kili had come together this way
after their lengthy and occasionally tumultuous courtship. But her trembling
limbs around her were undeniably real, and so were her harsh breathing and the
warmth around his softening cock. After months of only dreaming, he wanted to
stay where he was, but he didn’t want to make Kili uncomfortable. With the last
of his strength, he caressed Kili’s thigh, urging her to release him so he
could pull out. She obeyed and he withdrew, but that was all he could to keep
from falling atop her. His arms shook with the effort of keeping himself up.
Had he the breath, he would laugh at his own weakness, the strength he was so
proud of drained out of him by orgasm. As he had no power but to pant into
Kili’s collarbone, he kept quiet, focusing on not crushing her with his full
weight.
But, Kili didn’t seem to care. She pulled him down to fully lay on top of her,
his face buried in the crook of her neck. Her unsteady fingers combed his
tangled hair and her soft lips kissed his grey strands and damp temple. Thorin
weighed quite a bit more than her, but Kili didn’t struggle at all holding him.
In fact, she stroked his back gently, calming him when it should be him
comforting her after her first experience with ecstasy. She was strong enough
on her own, strong enough for him and for both of them. Thorin’s heart swelled
in his chest. He held her back gently and thought, quite absurdly, that he
would love to make a home there in her arms, for never had he felt more safety,
comfort and affection than in her embrace.
As if sensing his mind working, Kili hummed lazily in question. As usual,
Thorin hesitated to reveal his feelings, but the intimacy of the moment, the
affection enveloping him, the dwarf he had been given privileged to spend the
rest of his life with, made it impossible to keep quiet. Thorin pushed himself
up to his elbows and gazed down at Kili, his wife, his queen consort, his
confidante, his lover.
“I love you.”
The End
Chapter End Notes
     And it is done! First thing first, there are some ideas that I
     omitted but I want share with you. I don't want to end the fic with
     some kind of "15 years later" fast forward, so what I can't write is
     Thorin and Kili have their first child around a decade after they
     married, once Kili is deemed physically capable of both pregnancy and
     labor. I also can't write a subplot about Dori and Balin being in a
     relationship. I tried to put it there but it always stuck out like a
     sore thumb because they seem to be the discreet type and Thorin can
     be really oblivious sometimes that it may take him catching them in
     the act to realize they're together. Then, there's this line I keep
     thinking about but can't write because it doesn't fit in the
     timeline: "Gloin never did find a match for his son, for instead of a
     wife, Gimli preferred for himself a husband." You know who I'm
     talking about.
     Now, details! The maze in the garden is the reason I added one year
     to their engagement, because it takes around that time to make hedge
     grows that high. Choosing wedding outfit is a challenge but after
     procrastinating researching, I finally decided on a variation of this
     for Thorin. The other candidates are here. I absolutely recommend
     that site if you want to spend some years of your life looking at
     pretty costumes. For Kili, it's this_one because I thought it'd
     complement Thorin's/Erebor aesthetic. Her tiara was hard to choose
     but I finally narrowed it down to either Ravenclaw diadem or this. I
     chose the second one because it seems sturdier and I removed the tiny
     diamonds to match Thorin's raven crown. Go here for more crowns. As
     I've mentioned before, lapis lazuli represents royalty, love, and
     fidelity in marriage.
     The wedding ritual is an amalgamation of many (modified) traditions.
     The whole ritual is inspired by viking_tradition. The contract
     writing, which I thought dwarves would love because they like
     legality and details, is inspired by Jewish_marriage_contract. The
     hand holding is from Ancient_Rome and threatening to hit the groom
     and bride's hands is inspired by German wedding tradition of sawing
     log to represent working together, but we're talking about dwarves
     here so I make it a little more extreme.
     "Infinitely soft partings" is a taken from Lolita, my favorite book,
     because I annoyed myself by taking a week to figure out what HH is
     talking about here. Confidante is taken from a poem I've used before
     in The_King_and_His_Lover because I think you should be your SO's
     best friend.
     That is it! I think. I actually got weepy when editing the wedding
     scene. It felt like giving away my kids because I've dedicated so
     much time and energy into this fic in particular and this ship in
     general. Now I can focus on Worth in Gold. The Last Resort is
     temporarily on hold because if I follow canon, I have to write about
     9 years of pining and my brain shrivels in fear at the thought of it.
     So, until I can decide whether to cut things short or not, WiG it is.
     Although, I've always wanted to write a Modern AU series. Hmm. And
     what about my Real Life?
     Once again, thank you for reading. Visit me on tumblr where you can
     buy me coffee or commission an original fic, if you're so inclined.
End Notes
     There's Shakespeare reference there (though I haven't read any of his
     works in many, many years.) "It is not a fault to strive to be happy
     and to be kind to yourself" is paraphrased from my favorite poem,
     Desiderata. The explicit part will start next chapter. I'll add the
     tags when it's posted. If I miss any tag from this chapter, please
     let me know.
     Visit me on tumblr to say hi, talk about thorinkili, or buy what’s
     left of my soul with photosets/gif sets/arts of thorinkili.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!