Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11590806.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Original_Work
  Relationship:
      John/Ben, John/Pat, John/Connor, John/Hank, John/Cole, John/Will, John/
      Dom, John/Leo, John/Dick, John/Chad, John/Original_Male_Character(s)
  Character:
      John_McGregor, McGregor_Family, Kingly_family, Gables_Family, Morrow
      Family, Swartzman_family, FFCL_cult, Ben_McGregor, Connor_McGregor_(no
      he's_not_the_boxer), Will_McGregor, Mike_McGregor, Matt_McGregor, James
      McGregor, Catherine_McGregor, Andy_McGregor, Laura_McGregor, Malachay
      McGregor, Mary_McGregor, Seamus_McGregor, Danielle_McGregor, Patrick
      Kingly, Cole_Gables, Hank_Kingly, Arthur_Gables, Leo_Swartzman, Dick/Rich
      Swartzman, Wallace_Huber, Chad_Merrick, Tanner_Morrow, Louis_Morrow, Dom
      Morrow, Adam_Burgess, Lots_Of_Others
  Additional Tags:
      Priest_Abuse, Suicide_Attempt, Suicidal_Thoughts, Eating_Disorders, Self-
      Harm, Forced_Orgasm, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering, Anal_Plug, Double_Anal
      Penetration, Oral_Sex, Past_Rape/Non-con, Threats_of_Rape/Non-Con, Gang
      Rape, Underage_Rape/Non-con, Underage_Smoking, Underage_Drug_Use,
      Underage_Kissing, Underage_Drinking, Delinquent_Behavior, Porn_Video,
      Forced_Prostitution, Parent/Child_Incest, Child_Abuse, Brother/Brother
      Incest, Uncle/Nephew_Incest, Pederasty, Pedophilia, Sexual_Abuse, Sexual
      Slavery, Cults, Sex_Toys
  Series:
      Part 4 of McGregor_Chronicles
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-07-23 Updated: 2018-03-03 Chapters: 48/? Words: 538665
****** The Johnathan Chronicles Part 2. ******
by Elle_Dread
Summary
     Johnathan and his siblings and mother had managed to escape from his
     father. They thought they were rid of him for good, changing their
     last name and using resources available to them to cover their
     tracks. It was too good to last. Now that they are back home in his
     grasps what will Connor do to them? To John? Will they survive or
     will the punishment of leaving be more than can they withstand. Are
     they ready to deal with the storm or will it blow them away leaving
     only pieces of what might have been in it's wake. Last update: 3/17/
     18 didn't show as an update because of well but Chapter 48 is up...
Notes
     Pages 2-26 because i use title pages. If you want happiness don't
     read this. This is about the abuse lots of abuse. Somethings that
     happened or are talked about slightly in part one (which I suggest
     you read if you haven't) are explained in this part. You will find
     John becoming more and more unstable as time goes on throughout this
     story so if you're looking for a happy ending don't read. This party
     of the story is very rape/non-con heavy especially near the end.
     Again I don't condone raping people. I don't believe you should any
     of the things described within these pages read with caution may be
     triggering.
***** 1 *****
Summer school had been great. I had passed with straight A’s making up all the
work I had missed when we had first left Europe and I had been held up in the
house for 3 months. I had met a couple of people and become good friends with a
few but hadn’t become as close to any of them has I had become with Heather.
She was a beauty with dark eyes and dark hair, curves in all the right places
and a round face that worked perfectly with her features. She was stunning
short but unbelievably stunning and we had started hanging out after school
hours. Going to the park and riding horses on her family’s farm where she would
make fun of me, calling me city boy with her western accent. We went to movies
together and finally after about 3 months we declared ourselves a couple. We
didn’t have sex but outside of that intimacy our relationship was very much
like the one Pat and I had once had.

We heard word through the group that had helped us escape them that Da was
looking for us and had hired a private investigator to track us down but
because all medical care we were getting was through the group he wouldn’t be
able to find us because our socials weren’t being used. The car wasn’t even
registered under mum’s name all the ones we were entered into the school
district with were fake and we thought we would be ok. I was happy and actually
doing well being a normal 13-year-old boy for once and not one whose whole
existence was based around someone else’s sexual desires. Therapy was working
for me and I was doing well having normal friends and normal anxieties for once
in my life.

I emailed Pat once a month from the school library and told him about my life,
writing emails that were pages long telling him how much I missed him, missed
the way he smelled. Telling him about Heather and how she was so amazing. He
encouraged me to tell her about my past to let her in. Who knows maybe if I had
sooner things would have turned out differently than they did. One morning I
came to school the last week of July and everyone was staring at me. Well, not
everyone but Heather’s older brother Jason and his friends. I didn’t think
anything of it and after a couple of days the weird stares stopped so I thought
that was the end of it but it wasn’t it was only the beginning.

One day I was over at Heather’s after school and we were watching a movie on
the couch, some TV movie about a girl who had been kidnapped as a young child.
And Heather looked at me, “You know you’re on one of those websites, right?”
She asked me casually.

“What websites?” I asked.

“Those missing kid websites. Apparently, there is one for parental abductions
Jason saw your photo on it, he asked me about it and I said I knew your parents
were divorced but not much else but it said your mom kidnapped you which I
doubt is true,” She said like it was no big deal.

I felt the blood drain from my face because I knew they were looking for us but
I didn’t know they would lie to the world and say my mum had kidnapped us.
Would they really do that to find us? Would they really say my mum had
kidnapped us in order to get us back?

“Did he do anything about it?” I asked her.

“What do you mean like contact the site? I told him to keep his nose out of it
but yeah he did I think why?” She asked wrinkling her nose, “Is it true? Did
she kidnap you?”

“When?” I asked standing up ready to leave.

“I don’t know why?” She asked me.

“I need to know when because I have to go tell my mum,” I answered going to the
door and getting my shoes on.

“So, she did kidnap you then? Why would she do that?” She asked.

“You know how I’m not in school on Wednesday usually? It’s because I’m in
therapy because my Da is a very very bad person ok? Just trust me there are
people looking for us because he wants us back. He doesn’t see us as people he
sees us as his property, I need to know when he contacted that site because
depending on my family and I need to be gone yesterday ok?” I said hurriedly
putting my shoes on, “Now tell me when he told you about it.”

“Like three days ago, why?” She asked, “Is he really that bad?”

“Well,” I stopped trying to think of how to put it, “He was involved in a group
that really really love their kids and I’m not talking like in a normal way but
in a bad way and they used to share. It was…hard to deal with ok? You waited 3
days to tell me,” I said opening the door and getting ready to bolt.

“You mean…,” Her eyes went wide, “Like he did things to you? Like sex things?”
She wrinkled her nose in disgust, “Oh my god why didn’t you say anything about
it? Wait was it like real sex sex or did he just…” I cut her off.

“Heather if you don’t mind I don’t want to talk to about it, I have to go like
now, tell your brother thank you for ruining my life,” I said finally taking
off and running down the street to my house. When I got there the van was in
the drive way and I paused to catch my breath and then walked up the stairs and
into the house. The eerily quiet house to my mum sitting on the couch with a
man staring at her.

“Mum?” I asked timidly, “Where is everyone?”

“John love, come sit,” She said looking at me.

“Mum? We have to go,” I said, “Like right now I think Da knows where we are
at.”

“John, this is Martin Shepard he is a P.I your Da hired to find us come here
and sit down,” Mum said smiling strained.

The man turned around to look at me. He smiled his eyes raking up and down my
frame making me have no doubt that he was one of them, “It’s nice to meet you.
My friend already took the kids to the airport but we weren’t sure where you
were so I was told to sit here with your mom and wait for you.”

“Come here love,” My mum said as I took a couple steps back, “Come here.”

“Mum he’s…” She cut off my words

“I know love, but if you’re with me you’ll be ok all right, come to me I’ll
keep you as safe as I can,” She said and I ran past him like a young child and
into my mum’s arms.

“I can’t do this mum, I can’t do this,” I whispered as she hugged me and
stroked my hair.

“Love nothing is going to happen here, you’re going to sit with me and I’ll
talk to this man and then we are probably going to go back but we’ll be ok all
right love?” She said to me and I nodded my head, “DON’T YOU STARE AT MY SON
YOU KEEP YOUR FUCKING EYES ON ME GOT IT?” she shouted at him over my head, “And
you look at me too ok, pretend he’s not even here.”

“I’ll look where I damn well please. If I really wanted to really have him, I
would grab you by the hair pull you into a room and tie you up and gag you. And
don’t think I couldn’t. I’m not that stupid though or impulsive I can wait,” He
said looking at her but glancing at me for just a minute.

“I feel like I can’t breathe,” I whispered into her shoulder looking away from
him because looking at him made my stomach feel like it was rotting.

“I know love; we’re going to be ok though. I promise you in the end we’ll be ok
no matter what,” She said kissing my forehead.

“You’re Dad misses you, he loves you and he wants you back. Your mom should
have never taken you. Honestly, he thinks it’s amazing you made it seven months
without crawling back. He missed all of you but he really missed you
Johnathan,” Shepard said smiling at me.

“He doesn’t love me,” I said shaking my head looking at him surprising my mum,
“If he loved me when I said no when I made it clear I didn’t want to he would
have respected me and wouldn’t have done the things he did.”

“You’re a kid you don’t know what you want,” Shepard said looking at me,
“That’s a part of being young is having people tell you what’s best for you
what you need, what you want he knows best. He knows what best for you and I’m
sure if your body had ever said no he would have respected that.”

“Are you going to take us to the airport now?” My mum asked him, “You said we
were just waiting for him and he’s here now so are you going to take us home?”

“I’m thinking about it,” He said, “However I have a message for both of you. If
you ever run again the leader will be getting involved and this isn’t coming
from your husband. He will make you pay because those kids are the moment your
husband signed that paper and those first two boys got their hips branded he
owned all of them got it? You don’t want to deal with the trouble that will
come down on your head you try this again.”

“Taking my kids back to this, he doesn’t see that as punishment enough?” She
asked Shepard.

“There is a nice market for rare women in the middle east of all ages. Think
about that before you do something like this again. You don’t want a kid ending
up on the wrong side of a snuff film either. You think the way Connor whored
this one out last time was bad? Wait until he takes off with one of them to
Tokyo if he does come back he won’t be the same kid he was when he left,”
Shepard threatened.

“Don’t talk about my son like he’s not here,” She hissed at him.

“Mum, it’s fine it’s whatever,” I answered.

“We can go I suppose,” Shepard said looking me up and down making me shiver.

If this creep thought, I was going to let him touch me he was sorely mistaken.
I had actually done a lot of work in therapy about making clear my personal
boundaries to others and asserting myself. After we had left home I had been
very timid and quiet about a lot of things because I had felt not safe but not
threatened either I had closed myself off in a lot of ways. I was used to not
being able to say no so I just didn’t say no even when I wanted to. I had to do
a lot of work with my therapist to get past that and feel like I had the right
to say no again.

“Your ok love,” My mum said, “We’ll get on a plane we’ll go back. I will do
everything I can to keep all of you safe ok?”

I nodded my head in response. I was worried about it. Worried about him. Seeing
him what he would do to me. I wasn’t stupid enough to think he wasn’t angry
with me that he wasn’t going to hurt me and I also wasn’t stupid enough to
think that mum could stop him. I knew what he would do to me the moment that he
got me alone anywhere. The thought of his hands on my skin terrified me in ways
I couldn’t put into words making me feel like I literally couldn’t breathe and
that was after the long plane ride home back to Florida and what Shepard might
have planned for that trip because the way he kept looking at me wasn’t
spelling out anything good and I knew it.

“Come on love,” She said pulling on my arm making me move from the couch. I
sighed heavily but got up.

“What about our stuff?” I asked.

“Well the favorite toys got send with the kids everything else was pretty new
and you know you’re Da only the best of everything so I suppose we just leave
it,” She said to me as we walked outside and she locked the door behind us. I
looked at the driveway and Heather was standing there looking at me. A look of
curiosity and disgust and worry written on her face.

“Can I say good bye?” I asked my mum looking at her and she nodded her head,
“Yes love I’m right here go say goodbye.”

“What’s going on?” Heather asked as I walked up to her.

“We’re leaving,” I answered, “The thing your brother contacted tipped my Da off
to where we were and well, they are here to take us home. They already have my
little brothers and sisters so no choice. It was nice knowing you,” I said.
“Wait didn’t you say your Da was pervy?” She asked me.

I sighed heavily. I didn’t want to talk about that especially with her and what
did it matter now anyway? What was she going to do about it when he was forcing
me to go back to him? When her brother had made the call that made this happen,
“What do you want me to say?” I asked her.

“The truth,” She said, “I want the truth. I thought I knew you but now I feel
like I don’t know you at all.”

“You don’t Heather, you don’t know me. I kept that from you because of the look
on your face right now. That look that says I’m beyond gross that I’ve had sex
and it’s wrong because it is like I don’t know that?” I said, “And you just
sent me back to that, your brother did where I have no choice and no control
over my body and can barely hold on to my mind all right what do you want me to
tell you? That I’m angry I’m getting sent back there where I have to just bend
over and take it so someone else doesn’t have to? Yeah, I’m angry, all right?
I’m going to miss you but honestly because your brother couldn’t mind his
business my life is over.”

I watched the tears trying to break free from her eyes. I hadn’t meant to hurt
her but she had asked me for my honesty. She had asked me what I was thinking
and said she didn’t know me at all. I wanted her to know how much this hurt,
how scared and broken I felt again after working so hard for seven months to
make some sort of personal progress.

“He really did stuff to you?” She asked me wiping away her tears, “Did he cut
out your heart too? I’ve never, you’ve never treated me like this I’m glad
you’re leaving because if this is how you treat people who care about you, how
you are going to treat me I don’t want you to be here anymore. Goodbye.” She
said turning and walking away before I could say anything else.

I watched her walk away. That was the last time I would ever see or talk to
Heather. Mum patted my shoulder getting my attention and we hopped into the car
both of us into the back seat. The drive to the airport she held me and I
remember feeling completely numb the whole way through the airport and onto the
plane. I know I fell asleep during the flight but don’t remember when. When I
woke up we were landing in Florida. When we reached the terminal Da was there
and so was someone that felt like a punch to the stomach. Hank. They both
smiled at me and Da hugged mum tightly and whispered something to her as I
walked away a little bit hoping that Hank wouldn’t follow me but of course he
did.

“You touch me and I will scream,” I warned him.

“Got a little bit more bark to you now huh baby?” He said just loud enough I
could hear him, “That will make for some fun.”

“Don’t even,” I said shaking my head trying to stand tall but finding myself
falling short of his height.

Just then Hank turned and looked over pulling out his hand cuffs and then he
cuffed my mum. He didn’t really say anything and neither did she but I was
worried I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I went to go up to them to
follow them and my Da reached out behind me putting his hand on my shoulder.

“Mum’s ok baby, he’s taking her somewhere to be evaluated about why she wanted
to take you guys away from me, why she wanted to leave me,” Da said before I
felt him sniff my hair, “You’ve gotten taller.”

“I know,” I said that cold ice I had gotten so used to being gone starting to
spread under my skin.

“Let’s get you home huh, maybe you and I can spend some time together?” He
muttered making me tense.

I remembered this. I remembered it well and I felt almost like I wanted to die.
As we walked out to the parking lot I didn’t bother to try and climb into the
backseat but climbed into the passenger seat next to him. He barely waited
until we got on the road for his hand to find my thigh.

“You have no idea how much I missed you baby,” He said as his hand started
sliding up my thigh towards my crotch making me jump, “Just relax not until we
get home ok? I’m just warming you up is all.” He said as we stopped at a light.
His hand slid to the bulge in my pants rubbing it slowly making my insides run
ice cold. I squeezed my eyes closed wishing I could be somewhere else. Anywhere
else that he wasn’t touching me the way he was that I wasn’t feeling what I was
feeling.

“Could you not?” I asked barely moving my lips as I felt my face flushing and
my penis starting to get hard.

He stopped touching me and pulled his hand away taking his eyes off the road
for a brief second to look at me, “Did you just tell me no?” he asked me.

“I did not say no I asked you if you would just not do it,” I said stuttering
slightly.

“How long have you been away from me?” He asked me but didn’t wait for my
answer, “Almost seven months and all of the sudden you don’t want to spent time
with me? I gave you that body that body is mine. You don’t want to be with me
fine but you know what will happen? I’ll have some alone time with Will a lot
of alone time. You still want to say no?”

He looked over and read my body language. That one always put me in the mood to
relent because those were my kids. He knew that would get me to shut up because
I wasn’t letting him touch my kids. Never, “That’s what I thought,” he said
smiling.
“So, what like last time?” I asked swallowing.

“I haven’t decided yet,” He answered his hand traveling back up my thigh,
“Maybe we’ll work something out. Your mum is going to be away for a little
while I had her committed to a psychiatric hospital.”

“I won’t fight you if you leave them out of it, but only you ok? No videos, no
Hank, no one else ok?” I said trying to keep my emotions from exploding even
though my hands were shaking and I felt like I had a boulder sitting on my
chest.

“I’m not sure I can give you that, Hank misses you and he’s just as excited as
I am to see how much you’ve changed,” Da answered me his hand finding its way
back up to my crotch, “You don’t seem soft anymore more like you have man’s
body. You seem thinner, harder.”

“I just got taller that’s it,” I answered squeezing my eyes shut as he started
messaging me.

“No, it’s a lot more than that, you feel bigger in certain places,” He said
rubbing harder.

“Oook,” I barely managed to get out as he turned onto our street.

“Sleep with me,” He said as he pulled up into the drive way,” Catching me by
surprise.

“I didn’t think you would ask,” I said looking at him.

“Not asking, you share a bed with me ok?” He said putting the car in park and
opening his door getting out leaving me there for a minute.

I sighed heavily. I really didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want this to be my
life again. I got out of the car and said loudly, “I don’t suppose I can wear
actual clothes?”

He turned just as his hand reached for the door knob, “I want to be able to see
what I’m doing so no.” He turned the door knob and the sound from inside the
house spilled out into the driveway the light inside seeming even brighter in
the Florida evening.

He moved aside so I could walk into the house, into the kitchen where that damn
table still was. I sighed and stepped over the threshold into the room to find
everyone sitting around the table eating KFC silently with glum looks on their
faces. Catty face brightened when she saw me walk in and then other faces
perked up for just a minute until the realized mum wasn’t with me.

“Where’s mum?” James asked quietly.

“Mum is sick so she’s spending some time away from us so she can get better,”
Da answered before I could say anything.

“She’s not sick,” Will said, “You mean you had her thrown somewhere she can’t
help us.”

Da came around behind me and grabbed me by the waist squeezing slightly making
me catch my breath. Not in front of them please not in front of them.

“When your mum comes back she’ll be better, trust me she’s sick,” Da said and I
could feel him staring at Will over my shoulder. He was using me against Will
in exactly the same way he used them against me just without words.

“John, come sit with us,” Will said pulling a chair out causing Da to wrap his
arms around me clasping his hands in front of my belt.

I could feel the heat in my face. Feel that I was flushed and I knew my breath
was coming in short spurts because I was trying not to hyperventilate as he
grinded on me.

“Daddy you’re hurting him,” Catty said.

“No, I’m not, he’s all right,” He said to her and then whispered into my ear,
“Aren’t you baby?”

“Can we not right now?” I asked almost begging.

“Just relax,” He whispered into my ear kissing the back of my neck.

I heard a laugh and looked over to find Uncle Ben standing by the open basement
door. I was trying to keep calm but knew I was failing and that it was scaring
them even more than they were already scared. Everyone had frozen watching us
watching what he was doing and watching my reaction.

“Da stop,” Will said.

“I’m your father you don’t tell me what to do,” He said his hand going to the
fly of my pants.

“You’re scaring him,” Mike said surprising me. He usually never spoke up but
then again he hadn’t really seen Da do anything to anyone else as far as I
knew.

I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I didn’t want to make him angry but I
didn’t want him scaring them either and I didn’t want them to see this. See the
way he was treating me because it wasn’t right. It was embarrassing and it
wasn’t right.

“You need to stop Da,” Will said, “You really think they need to see this?”

“You all let her take you. You’re mine all of you are mine aren’t you baby?” He
cooed into my ear starting to undo my pants as I stood there frozen.

“DADDY STOP IT!” Catherine screamed, “Leave him alone.”

“Who is going to take his place?” Da asked them looking at them closely. He
stared at them and they stared back silently.

“I want you to see what happens when you try to leave. You are mine all of you
are mine and you have no right to go anywhere without my permission. You
understand me?” He asked sliding his hand down my open fly making me squeeze my
eyes closed trying to control my breathing and keep myself from crying in front
of them. I kept telling myself I had to be strong for them that I had to pull
it together, to not be afraid but I could tell they could see it in my face
even with my eyes closed they could tell I was afraid that I didn’t want this
to happen to me.

“Come here baby,” He said turning me around in his arms as I tried to take that
moment to break away a little bit give myself some breathing space. I felt like
he was trying to choke the air out of me with his presence against my skin he
turned me around so I was facing him clasping his hands on my waist again
against the small of my back burying his head in my neck and starting to suck
on it.

“Ok upstairs,” I whispered as his kisses starting trailing up my jaw bone to my
mouth.

“No, not yet one kiss baby,” He said, “I want them to see.”

“Well I don’t,” I said feeling my cheeks burning, “Upstairs please.”

“No just one kiss or I can go down on you with them watching your choice,” He
whispered into my ear.

The heat in my face was so strong I knew I was red from my neck to my hair line
but I grabbed him by the chin and forced his lips to mine anyway allowing his
tongue to explore my mouth for only a minute before I pushed myself away a
little breathing heavy and I glared at him.

“Upstairs,” I said looking at him as I started to back away.

“That was gross,” James said a look of disgust passing his face.

“Jamie, that’s enough we’ll finish eating then go watch a movie ok?” Will said
taking charge of the table, “Everyone eat.”

Da nodded his head and started coming towards me following me as I turned and
started walking up the stairs. I could feel him behind me his eyes on me
watching me the whole way. I couldn’t believe I was letting him do this that I
was letting him climb into bed with me and do whatever he wanted to my body
even if I was against it. When I got to the door I paused for a minute and took
a deep breath before I opened it. I could feel every cell in my body screaming
at me that I didn’t want this that it wasn’t right and yet I couldn’t stop him
and I knew I couldn’t stop him.

When I opened the door, his hands went back around my waist from behind pushing
me towards the bed. I allow myself to fall forward onto it and then rolled over
before he could climb onto my back. His hands pulled my shirt over my head and
I allowed him to as he started kissing me hard along my neck and on my face his
tongue sliding into my mouth for a few seconds and the back out and back to my
jaw bone and neck trailing to my collar bone as his hands slid between us
undoing my pants and shoving them down my hips. I clawed at him my hands on his
forearms trying to push him off of me even though I was letting him kiss me. I
wanted to make it clear to him that I didn’t want this even if I wasn’t using
my words.

“God, you feel so good I’ve missed you so much baby,” He said standing up and
pulling his clothes off and he finished pulling my clothes off of me before he
straddled me going back to kissing my neck and shoulders, “I can’t wait to be
inside you. You have no idea how badly I’ve missed you.” He moaned between his
kisses his hands scratching at my hips.

“Slow down,” I said as he moved to grab the Vaseline on the side table. It had
been almost seven months since I had experienced any sex at all let alone
penetrative anal sex and I knew it was going to hurt and hurt badly.

“No, no baby just relax when I push in you push out ok? That’s all it takes you
remember how to do this. I’ll make you feel really good after I swear,” He
muttered to me taking a huge glob of the Vaseline and slathering it on himself
and then taking another glob and putting it on his fingers before he spread my
knees and forced a finger up inside me making me gasps.

“Da stop it, you’re hurting me,” I said trying to push him off of me the tears
starting as he shoved his other finger in moving it around trying to get me
ready but rushing it.

“Baby you’re fine, your body wants this as bad as I do,” He said pushing my
knees into my chest and entering me.

It sent a searing pain through my body and felt like he was ripping me. I
wanted to scream but instead I bit my lips tightly closed as he let out a moan
of ecstasy because I didn’t want him to know what I was feeling I didn’t want
him to get a reaction from me. His right hand caressing my shoulder and face as
his left held my hip tightly pulling out slowly only to sink back into me balls
deep.

“Yeah? Your eyes just went really wide that feel good to you baby because it
feels amazing to me,” He said doing it again.

He did it a couple more times until he hit something sending a tingle up my
spine and I knew he had found that spot that would eventually make my eyes roll
if I let it, if I decided I didn’t want the pain fighting against him would
cause.

“Come on baby, you know it feels good just let it happen, let daddy make you
feel good,” He moaned thrusting in and out pushing up against me making it hard
for me to relax, “No no, don’t shut down on me baby, let it happen,” He
whispered into my neck moving his hand from my hip to my penis starting to
stroke it.

“Da please,” I begged pushing him away trying to push him off of me but finding
even having grown and gotten stronger I wasn’t strong enough as I started to
get hard.

“Just let it happen it will feel great baby I promise, god I’ve missed you so
much,” He said starting to stroke fast and pounding harder as he got closer to
his own climax, “God yes, this feels amazing you’re amazing baby.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as he started going too hard making me feel pain
and pleasure at the same time, “Oh god no no no no no,” I said as he bumped up
against that spot again.

“Yes baby, come for me baby,” he said bumping up against it harder sending the
pressure in my groin to that tipping point where I couldn’t hold it anymore and
I started to climax as he did the same inside me. He collapsed on top of me
breathing heavily and kissed my forehead, “You’re so beautiful that was
beautiful you’re amazing baby, god so amazing,” he said pulling out of me
hugging me to his chest making me feel sick to my stomach, “My beautiful boy.”
He cooed starting to kiss my neck and throat again.

I knew what he was getting ready to do but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let him
do it as his tongue slid down to my collar bone, “No, no don’t do it Da please,
please don’t do it.” I said going and grabbing his hair tightly as his face
came level with my upper torso forcing him to stop.
“Did you just say don’t?” He asked me staring into my breast bone his hands
clamping down on top of mine squeezing.

I swallowed hard. I had just made him very angry and I could see it in the
rigidness of his movements. He was going to say he wanted to go get someone
else or he was going to make sure I was in pain when he finished. I stared at
him open mouthed because I knew I couldn’t take it back that it didn’t matter
what I said to back pedal the damage was already done.

“You going to say it again or are you going to let me make you feel good and
let me enjoy the body I made?” He asked looking up at me as he removed my hands
from his hair and gently placed them by my sides. “You can either let me finish
or you can say no and I’ll tie you down and make it happen which one?”

I gulped. If he tied me down only god knew when he would really finish but if I
just let it happen let him go down on me then if I was lucky he would stop once
I orgasmed the first time. I nodded my head, “ok.” I said quietly my whole
brain starting to go numb.

“Good, I can’t wait to taste you see if you taste the same,” He said biting the
skin above my navel making me jump before he licked his way down to where he
wanted to be taking me in his mouth the wet hotness of it making me gasp and
immediately bring me back to arousal.

Yeah, I didn’t miss that feeling. The feeling of being unable to control my
body. I grabbed the side of the bed balling the sheet in my fist as my breath
caught in my chest that sick cold ice feeling flooding through my body starting
at my crotch and spreading up my spine out into my limbs as I tried to keep
myself from making any sound at all to let him know what he was doing to me as
wave after wave of cold crashed through my body. He started moaning with me in
his mouth pushing me closer to the edge as my muscles started to twitch because
I didn’t want to give him what he wanted. I held off as long as I could but
eventually it happened like it always happened and he lifted his head up wiped
his mouth on the back of his hand.

“You still taste amazing,” he said climbing up into bed next to me and throwing
the covers over both of us, “You’re still the best sex I’ve ever had.”

I didn’t say anything feeling like if I opened my mouth I would scream. I
wanted to cut my dick off. I felt so gross so beyond a freak I don’t even have
words to this day to explain that feeling how much of a failure I felt like
that I had given him what he wanted. He grabbed me around the waist just
spooning me at first as his hands reached into my lap and started stroking me
again.

“Relax, you’re fine,” He whispered into my ear as I started to hyperventilate.
I wanted his hands off of me. I didn’t want him touching me anymore I wanted to
scrub my skin off and yet he wouldn’t let me go and I knew I couldn’t even ask
him to that I had to wait until he was done. I was just thankful he couldn’t
see my face and see that I was crying. He made me climax into his hand and then
told me I could get up and clean myself off. I went into the bathroom.

I remember seeing the mouthwash there feeling like a brick to the stomach I had
been sober for almost 6 months and I felt like I couldn’t deal with any of what
had just happened without drinking. I turned and locked the bathroom door and
then sat against it putting my back up against it so I could stare at the mouth
wash hugging my knees to my chest. I could still feel him inside me his fluids
dripping out and onto the rug underneath me. After ten or fifteen minutes,
there was a slight knock on the door vibrating through my back.

“Come on baby, come play with me some more,” He said quietly before trying the
handle. When he tried the handle, I heard him swear under his breath before he
knocked harder, “Come on baby, I’ll make you feel really good this time, this
round is all about you.”

I still didn’t say anything and I actually started shaking he started pounding
at the door, “GET OUT HERE NOW! OPEN THIS DOOR BEFORE I GO GRAB ONE OF YOUR
BROTHERS AND MAKE YOU LISTEN TO IT! NOW OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!” he screamed.

I swallowed, “Just give me a minute,” I said shakily standing up and splashing
water on my face before I went and unlocked the door.

He tore it open and stared at me his eyes hard. I felt beyond sick. I wished I
had something anything to take to my skin and cut myself with and he saw it in
my eyes as more tears started to pour down my face.

“What’s wrong?” He asked me staring at me.

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter,” I said.

“Come on,” He said grabbing my hand and leading me back towards the bed.

I let him. I laid there numbly and I let him. He pushed my body hard way past
it’s limit to where I couldn’t feel anything that was happening and then he
stopped. He curled up behind me and fell asleep while I laid there numbly for
hours with my eyes open. I almost got up and left the room but thought about
what Uncle Ben might do if he caught me in the kitchen and couldn’t stand the
thought so I laid there and let him hold me his flaccid penis against the back
of my thigh. The sun rose and I slid carefully out of his arms careful not the
wake him and then found my clothes and got dressed opening the door slowly. I
didn’t stop to find my shoes and socks but once I opened the door the ran down
the street to that house I had only really seen once from the outside and went
around to the back of it. It was maybe 5:30am I reached up and tapped on the
window and then backed up to stand there and wait. I saw the curtain move and
then a sleepy blond head poke through the curtains. At first there was a look
of confusion on Cole’s face and then his eyes went wide and he tapped on the
window twice before he disappeared back into the room.

A couple minutes later Pat snuck out the back door in his boxers and an under
shirt. He almost ran over to me, “Holy fuck! Rabbit what the fuck are you doing
here?” He whispered.

“He found us,” I answered as Pat held me close and I breathed him in my whole
body shaking.

“What? How? When you emailed me last week you said things were fine you and
Heather were fine had finally decided you were dating you said you were ok that
your mum was good what happened?” He asked.

“He hired some guy that posted my face on a fake missing children’s website and
Heathers brother Jason contacted them. When I got home yesterday he was there
the guy he hired to find us and the kids were already gone at the airport. So,
mum and I had no choice. When the plane landed, your Dad took my mum away in
hand cuffs and then… I was home,” I answered.

“Did he already…?” Pat stopped asking as I squinted my eyes shut and buried my
head in his neck, “Oh god Rabbit I’m so sorry. I’m sorry Rabbit.”

“I can’t keep doing this,” I said not able to stop my tears from coming, “I
can’t do this again I can’t.”

“I know Rabbit, I know,” Pat said rubbing my back, “I know Rabbit god I love
you, I’m so sorry.” He said as he walked us over to the back porch and we sat
down on the steps.

“I still feel him on my skin, what he did, what he always does he…,” I started
to say but Pat cut me off.

“Shhh, you don’t have to tell me Rabbit, you don’t have to tell me anything ok?
“Pat said.

“I want to, can you listen?” I asked him.

“Yes, I’ll listen to anything you want to tell me always,” He said this look in
his eyes that I couldn’t read.

“He blew me until I couldn’t cum anymore,” I said, “He hurt me and I hate
myself for it.”

“You shouldn’t hate yourself ever. I love you way too much for you to hate
yourself rabbit. I was hoping I wouldn’t see you again until college. I’m sorry
that you can’t even be home without him…,” I cut Pat off.

“Without him what? Wanting to grope me? To suck me off to do things to me he
shouldn’t want to do? I can’t be anywhere near him without him giving me that
look and you know what I mean by that look because you probably see it at least
once a day in someone’s eyes. He thinks I’m a piece of meat,” I said, “I feel
like one too.”

“You are not a piece of meat you are a wonderful, amazing, intelligent,
handsome young man Rabbit, you are beyond prefect ok? You are not a piece meat
at all.” He said still rubbing my back, “I hate myself for being so happy to
see you.”

“Don’t you’re the only good thing out of all of this,” I said looking into his
eyes, “Being with you again.” I ran my hand threw his hair. God, he was
wonderful. His ice blue eyes staring at me in that way that it felt like no one
else ever could. Before I knew it, our lips were meeting his hands on the small
of my back against my bare skin spreading that warmth that I missed so
desperately. I wanted to crawl inside him to be one with him my hands touching
his face, his neck. After a few minutes, he broke the kiss with me, and just
stared at me.

“Sorry,” He said biting his lower lip shifting his lip ring, “I didn’t mean to
do that, you’re not in the position to get involved with anyone.”

“I kissed back,” I replied, “Thank you that actually made me feel better.”

“That didn’t upset you?” He asked me.

“No,” I shook my head, “I actually think I might want to go farther if you get
my meaning.”

“Oh Rabbit, if we do that we have to be careful and do you really think we
should pick up where we left off?” He asked me.

I frowned, “Are you seeing someone?” I asked.

Pat watched my expression closely his brow furrowing, “Not exactly. Things got
hard after you left. Like really hard my Dad thought your Dad’s idea of
services for cash was a good idea so he made me do things with different
people. Someone offered to contract me so I didn’t have to do that anymore and
it was someone who suspected our relationship so I agreed to it that means I
can’t sleep with anyone but him until the contract is up in March. I don’t
enjoy it but it’s better than sleeping with a different man every night in the
guest room in the basement.” Pat said blinking hard.

“Oh babe, I had no idea. Are you ok?” I asked him pressing my forehead to his.

“I’m a lot better now that you’re back,” He said as he started crying, “God I
was so…relieved when you left but it hurt so much I thought I would never be
able to stand it but I managed to keep going and now you’re back and it’s bad
but god I missed you so fucking much.”

“I know babe, I missed you too, you have no idea how much I missed you,” I
said, “Can you tell me who it is?”

“McClairen,” He said not opening his eyes not looking at me, “He’s not violent
…”

I cut off his words, “Not violent can be worse than violent is he worse I mean
you know what my Da is like what he does are you ok?”

Pat sighed and finished, “He’s not violent but he’s not nearly as much of a
mind fuck as your dad is. He’s more of a he gets what he wants and then he lets
me go he doesn’t force me to stay there with him or let him hold me so it’s
pretty easy actually it just means that I can’t have sex with you because he
doesn’t…he’s not safe. I get tested once every two months to make sure I don’t
catch anything and he does the same but, it’s still safer to just not break the
contract and that’s one of many reasons. You know the others.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head my forehead still pressed to his, “Don’t worry
about it I get it.”

“It’s not a choice I’m making. I’m not choosing him I’m choosing us, I’m
choosing us to be alive,”

“How has it been for everyone else?” I asked him.

“Hard,” Pat answered, “Dom has been at the villa almost none stop all summer I
think he’s in the hospital now he tried to hang himself or something it just it
was a suicide attempt. Cole is tired all the time but Arthur has him making
videos all the time so between that and your Uncle he’s just beyond worn out.
He sleeps all day when he has the chance first for a while it was your dad too
but, he stopped about two months back for the most part. That’s when he really
started to push towards finding you guys asked my Dad for help and he’s the one
who suggested the PI he used.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know things would get so bad for everyone else,” I said
laying down laying my head in his lap.

“It’s not your fault,” Pat said, “It just kind of happened your Dad decided he
missed his family though so he started looking for you guys.”

“He didn’t miss them,” I said thinking about it making my chest feel tight.

“Don’t think about it like that,” He said started to run his hands through my
hair.

“It’s true, we all know it. I snuck out of the house to come here because I
felt like I couldn’t take another second in there,” I sighed, “If he had been
awake he wouldn’t have let me leave at all. I’d still be stuck in that bedroom
next to him.”
“Should you get back before he wakes up?” Pat asked me leaning down giving me a
quick spider man kiss.

“Huh,” I sighed, “There isn’t that much he can do to me that he hasn’t already
done or isn’t planning to do anyway.”

“Still Rabbit, I don’t want you to get into trouble because of me. How do you
even know he doesn’t already know you’re gone?” He asked me.

“I don’t… I don’t want to go back there though, If I could I wouldn’t go back
at all but that’s a bad idea for everyone. Once I walk into that house I don’t
know when I’m going to see you again. I made a deal with him to keep everyone
else safer,” I said looking closely at him to gage his response.

The light in his eyes darkened slightly that light that I so loved, that I
lived for that I longed to see when I thought of him. That light that told me
he loved me no matter what that I mattered to him more than anything else,
“What do you mean you made a deal?” He asked me quietly rubbing my collar bone
through my shirt.

“While mum’s gone I…,” I paused shaking my head trying to push the shame back
down that just saying the words was allowing to surfer, “I’ll share a bed with
him.”

“No!” Pat said his eyes going wide with worry shaking his head, “You want to
start drinking again? You want an excuse to want to kill yourself? What on
earth were you thinking?”

“About my kids,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I couldn’t let him, I can’t
let him do things to them ok? I just can’t if that means that I have to be his
toy for a while I can do that until my mum gets home.”

“John I thought you worked on that with your therapist in Montana you can’t be
a hero because if you are everyone else’s hero you don’t take care of
yourself,” Pat said grabbing my hands and squeezing them.

“Hopefully it won’t be that long,” I said.

“Do you even know where he took her?” He asked me.

“No, he said a psychiatric hospital,” I answered, “I don’t know where and for
all I know when she comes back which I’m hoping will be soon she’ll be so
pumped full of drugs it won’t matter that she’s back.”

“Can you deal with that? Helping Will take care of 9 kids and your mom on top
of it?” He asked me.

“I have to deal with it, I do take anti-depressants and anti-anxieties for
flashbacks, maybe I’ll just take extra,” I answered.

“That’s just as bad as drinking you know, right?” Pat asked me.

“How to you think I’m going to get through this? I asked him if it could just
be him and he basically said no. He said no what am I supposed to do with that?
I can’t go back to that without drinking or something anything because I can’t
stand the thought of him letting them do that to me again,” I said starting to
feel the panic rise in my chest.

“Who?” He asked “Who did he say who?”

“Your Dad, probably him too I don’t know maybe fucking everyone who wants to,”
I said my tongue finding my back molar.

Pat sighed and then smiled sadly making me sit up and face him, “You still have
your nervous tick. Oh, my Rabbit, my wonderful handsome Rabbit. If I could I
would take you in my bedroom and I’d make you forget about all of them if you
wanted me to you know that right?”

“I know,” I leaned in and kissed him pulling away before he wrapped his arms
around me. Pulling away before I got too stuck in his smell, the feel of his
hands on my body, too stuck in wanting him, “I have to go I think.”

“Try and see me later?” He asked me standing up and walking to the back door.

“I’ll call you I don’t know when I’ll be able to come by again so…,” I
answered.
“Ok call me tonight though I want to hear from you to know you’re ok,” He said
as he opened the sliding back door and stepped back inside the house.

I stood there for a minute staring and then managed to pull it together and
then started walking back towards home. When I walked into the back door he was
sitting there at the table.

“Decided to leave?” He asked me.

“I needed some air I went for a walk,” I answered.

“You scared me baby,” He said coming towards me as I instinctively backed up,
“I just got you back I don’t need you scaring me ok?”

“I-I’m sorry Da I didn’t mean anything by it,” I said.

“Ok,” He said nodding his head closing the distance between us, “Do you need a
shower? Because I know you didn’t shower before you left the house, I know
because that would have woken me up.”

He grabbed my hips like I hated pressing tight against me. I just wanted him to
let me go. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want him to want this.

“It’s ok baby, I just want to shower with you before work all right?” He said
burying his face into my neck kissing me there gently.

“Da,” I whimpered.

“It’s ok baby. I love you I just want to make you feel good,” He said pulling
my shirt up caressing my lower torso, “Come upstairs with me ok?”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe like everything in my body was struggling with
this but I knew if I didn’t go upstairs he was going to threaten someone and I
couldn’t even stand to hear him say it. So, I nodded my head as he stepped away
from me, his hand hovering over my back as I started walking up the stairs. I
could feel him following me his eyes watching me as I took each step I almost
felt like I could see him the way he saw me as an object something fun. Some of
his past words echoing through my brain how I was play and mum was work. We got
up to the bedroom and I went and sat down at the foot of the bed. I felt numb
because I knew the things he was about to do to me. That it didn’t matter where
we were it was all going to be the same.
“I’m going to start the shower ok?” He asked me and Nodded my head numbly, “Get
undressed and come in ok?” He said kissing my forehead.

I waited until I heard him turn the knob for the water and then I took off my
dirty clothes. I could feel my body shaking as I walked into the bathroom. When
I got in there he shut the door behind me making me jump. When I turned around
he was naked already ready to do whatever he was going to do. He grabbed me his
hands resting on the small of my back burying his face in my neck again nipping
lightly but still being rough as he backed us into the shower.

I gasped, “I can-can’t breathe.”

“Baby just relax if you can talk you’re breathing,” He muttered grabbing my ass
and massaging it one of his fingers sliding along my butt crack.

“Please,” I begged, “Da please.”

“Shhh, baby you’re all right you just have to get used to me again ok? Just
calm down, I’m going to go nice and slow so it feels good for you too ok? God,
you look so nervous,” He said kissing my forehead, “All you need to do is lean
forward ok? Use the wall to support us and I’ll do everything else, I have the
Vaseline right here ok? Just lean forward.” He said grabbing my wrist lightly
from behind leaning me forward pushing my hands against the wall, “Ok spread
your legs, just a little bit more.” He whispered kissing the back of my neck
forcing my legs a little farther apart.

He took his hands and made sure I was lubricated and then probably did the same
to himself and then I felt him slide in making me tense, “No no push out don’t
clench in, you’ll hurt yourself you do that and I don’t want to hurt you ok
baby?” He said massing my shoulders, “Just relax.”

He grabbed my hips and pushed forward moaning making me feel sick to my stomach
and I squeaked a little bit before I bit into my arm to keep myself silent. I
didn’t fight him. It was safer not to, to fight back or say no was to risk
someone else having to deal with it, risk injury which would prevent me from
helping Will take care of everyone else while mum was away. It wasn’t worth it.

He pulled out and I thought he was done but then I felt something warm and wet
penetrate me making me move and try to pull away but he had me tight around the
waist. He wouldn’t let me go. I had no choice but to lean forward again and let
him keep doing it let his tongue explore me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe I
wanted him off of me. I wanted him to let me go. I bit into my arm again and
closed my eyes trying to keep myself from screaming as I could hear my heart
pounding in my ears. He flipped me around and started giving me a blow job and
at that point I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Da please,” I begged, “Da I need you to…” My eyes went wide and before I could
stop myself I moaned a little which gave him some sort of encouragement making
him go harder. He did that until I climaxed and then broke away.

“You’re so amazing baby, god I don’t even want to go upstairs to the office,
you want to come with me? Upstairs I mean, I can try to get more of those
heavenly sounds out of you,” He said shoving his tongue in my mouth forcing me
hard back against the tiled wall. I pushed on his chest trying to get him to
let me go and he grabbed my arms pushing them flat against the wall beside my
head as he broke the kiss, “Relax ok? Just relax hey? Did you bite yourself?”

“What?” I asked confused as he gently took my arm in his hand looking at the
mark my teeth had left, “It looks like you bite yourself to keep quiet. Did
you?” He asked me, “You don’t have to be quiet you know? I like hearing you it
lets me know you’re enjoying yourself.”

“But I’m not,” I said not able to look him in the eye because I didn’t want to
see the anger there.

“No, that’s just what your brain is telling you because society as trained you
that you’re not supposed to want it but you do. Your whole body tells me you
do,” he said watching me, “Your head will get past it, it just takes time to
get all of that junk out of your head then you’ll really enjoy it ok baby? I’m
going to soap up and rinse off and then leave you to do the same and then you
can take some time to yourself ok? I’ll see you upstairs around 11 for lunch
all, right?” He said grabbing the loofa and soaping up then rinsing himself off
and then climbing out.

I waited until he was gone and then allowed myself to sink to the bottom of the
shower and sit there. I sat there for the longest time letting the watch run
over me until it was cold and then I stood up and finished showering. I felt
sick and tired and beyond dirty. I was angry at myself for letting him hear
that. For giving him a response. I wanted to bundle myself up in as many
clothes as I could and then lie down in my bed and die but I had other things
to do so I dried myself and wrapped the towel around my waist leaving the
bathroom and the bedroom and walked to the elevator to go upstairs. I felt him
staring at me before he even said anything.

“Hey Johnny,” Uncle Ben said causing me to turn around.

“Hi,” I said quietly.

“Want to see something cool?” He asked me.

“Can I get some clothes first?” I asked.

“Well, I was hoping to spend some personal time with you,” Uncle Ben said.

I shook my head, “You know how long it takes to scrub Vaseline out of your
asshole? No.”

“Yes, I do actually and I guess that means you want me to go get James maybe?
He is a sweet little piece,” He said making me shiver.

“I really, please,” I said.

“Oh, come on all you have to do is lay there, it’ll be fun see how many times I
can get you to cum,” Ben teased.

I didn’t know what to do. He had given me a threat that I knew he would carry
out the moment he had the chance and there was no way Will and I could keep
James safe on our own. I didn’t know what to do. I sighed heavily. I didn’t
want to do that I had just showered and gotten Da off of me and now I had to
deal with him. I felt like I couldn’t take it.

“I just showered,” I said.

“So just means you’re clean for me,” He said coming up to me making me back up
against the wall behind me, “You want me to wait for James? Come on Johnny it
will be fun, I really do have something to show you too.”

“Ok,” I said shrugging my shoulders. I stuffed all of my feelings down trying
to make myself numb as I walked across the hallway towards him and he moved
aside so I could enter his bedroom. I hadn’t ever been in his bedroom.

The walls were painted gray and his bed clothes were black. One picture hanging
above the head board of the New York Skyline. The city I was born in. It
reminded me almost of a gothic guest room for a person with a dark soul. He did
have a calendar hanging on one wall of firefighters naked and it was slightly
unsettling.

“Come here,” He said cupping my shoulder as he used his foot to swing the door
shut behind him.

He looked at me closely first caressing my face and neck with his hands and
then shoving his tongue in my mouth knocking the breath out of me. I kissed
back reminding myself why I was doing this why it was important I do this. For
my little brother so he didn’t have to. So, he didn’t have to feel the cold icy
fire traveling under his skin as Uncle Ben’s hands grabbed and pinched at
places they shouldn’t. So, he didn’t have to wish for death when Uncle Ben’s
mouth started trailing its way down his tiny stomach and into places it
shouldn’t be. So, he didn’t have to hate himself when his body started
responding the way it was programmed to respond because he couldn’t control any
of it.

He pulled the towel from my waist and threw it on the floor as he pushed me
backward and I landed on the bed. He didn’t waste any time licking a trail all
the way down my chest and stomach, forcing his body between my legs so he could
get the angle he wanted. He started doing what he wanted to as I started
shuddering the pressure building.

“Ok,” I said putting my hand on his shoulder letting him know that was enough
that I was done even though I hadn’t climaxed but he was sucking too hard,
licking too much doing so many things wrong to the point where they didn’t feel
good. Instead of pulling away he deep throated me causing me to whimper audibly
which only seemed to excite him more, “I can’t, I can’t… stop you need to sto…”
I faltered my words getting caught in my throat as I started to climax. When he
had gotten what he wanted he looked at me smiling.

“That’s good for now,” He said looking at me closely, “I might want some time
with you later though, should I show you the video now?” he asked.

I nodded my head numbly. I don’t know why I knew the video probably wasn’t
anything good or anything that I really wanted to see but I felt sick my whole-
body tingling. He reached over a grabbed a remote from his nightstand and the
TV turned on. It was the basement, it appeared empty but after a minute someone
started hanging a swing from the ceiling. I knew what video this was. I didn’t
want to watch this.

“Why are you showing me this?” I asked him.

“Because it’s hot, you should want to see it you are amazing in this video,” He
said as I appeared on the video and Da or Hank started strapping me into the
swing.

I couldn’t watch this. I didn’t want to see this, “I don’t want to see this. I
know what happened I was there.”

“You know how much money this video has made you? You should ask your Da about
why he brought you back. Leo wants to take you on vacation to Thailand just you
and him. Your Da hasn’t said yes to him but he hasn’t said no either. That look
on your face is priceless,” Ben said starting to laugh.

“I can’t do that,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t do that.”

“You might not have a choice Johnny. He’ll have a bunch of fun with you,” He
said, “You can go now if you want I guess. You don’t seem to be having fun so
leave.”

I grabbed my towel and numbly went back to the elevator pressing the button.
The lift opened and I went upstairs and started walking down the hall to my
room where I was going to climb into the shower and clean myself off again when
I heard someone behind me.

“Are you ok?” James asked.

I didn’t want him to see me like this, all shaky and scared and fragile. I
didn’t turn around to address him, “Yeah I’m all right bud, just going to go
take a shower and get dressed ok? Go find Will, get some food.”

“You’re wearing a towel and your hair is damp doesn’t that mean you just
showered?” He asked me being a very observant seven-year-old like most seven-
year olds are.

“That one didn’t work the way it should have,” I answered as simply as I could,
“Go get some breakfast.”

“They’re hurting you, aren’t they?” He asked me making me freeze, “I understand
if you don’t want to talk about it. Mum said we shouldn’t ask you questions
when we moved that they hurt you a lot because you were trying to keep us safe.
Is this going to be exactly like it was before? Like that?”

“I-I don’t know,” I answered honestly, “Mum’s not here right now so Will and I
have to take care of you guys.”

“Yeah, I know Da took her away because he doesn’t want her around to keep us
safe anymore, he wants to get rid of her,” James answered me, “I’m not stupid
you know?”

“I don’t think you’re stupid ok James? I don’t think any of you are stupid I
just can’t let them hurt you,” I answered, “I can’t bear to watch them hurt
you.”

“You mean like they hurt you?” James asked me and I could feel the scowl he was
giving me, “You mean like Da grabbed you and kissed you at dinner last night?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said shaking my head.

“Are they going to hurt me like that? Like what that guy did? That mean guy who
did all those things and made me feel really weird and sore in my butt because
I don’t want to do that again,” James said I could hear his voice shaking.

“Not if I can help it,” I said turning around, “Listen Bud I am going to do
everything I can to keep them away from you ok? Trust me I don’t want them to
ever hurt you like that again and I will do everything I can to make sure they
don’t. Can I go shower and get dressed?”

“Yeah,” He answered and I turned and started walking away again, “Why does he
hate mum?”

“He doesn’t,” I answered.

“But Da used to only kiss mum like that sometimes and now he’s kissing you like
that,” James said causing my anxiety to sky rocket.

I still felt beyond ashamed about that. At the time, it was better than having
him do what he told me he was going to do if I didn’t allow him to kiss me. I
felt beyond sick and I knew I was shaking. I wanted to scream at my little
brother. Scream at him that it was wrong that Da was wrong that Da was evil and
he wanted to make sure he had reasons to make me let him do the things he did.

“I’m going to go shower now,” I said trying to keep my voice calm and walking
away.

I didn’t bother to check and see if he was ok. Because I did it for him. I let
Da do that to me in front of them so they didn’t have to see worse things. So,
they didn’t have to see what I let him do to me behind closed doors to keep him
from doing it to them. I turned on the water as hot as I could get it and
climbed in letting it flush my skin red as I started to scrub. I wanted to hurt
myself I wanted to swallow bottles and bottles of pills and alcohol I wanted to
be able to take something that would put me to sleep and make it so I never
woke up. If I had any choice in the matter I would have but without me they had
no one looking out for them because I knew I couldn’t leave Will in charge.

I heard the bathroom door open without knocking and then a heavy sigh, “James
is totally confused he thinks you’re mad at him.”

“I’m not mad at him I’m mad at this,” I answered, “You know what Da is doing to
me right? Well on my way up here to get dressed guess who stopped me and said
if I didn’t just lay there they would come after him, after James to get what
they wanted? I can’t see my friends, I can’t sleep in my own bed, I can’t have
my mum, I can’t even be upset about it because guess what there are 10 other
people that I have to take care of and I have to bend over every time one of
them says fucking bend over in order to keep their hands off of everyone else.”

“Don’t think you’re alone in this. He doesn’t mean anything by asking
questions. He’s confused because he’s seven he doesn’t understand that what you
did, that kiss was to keep him safe. To keep them safe he thinks it’s because
you wanted to. He doesn’t get it he’s too young ok? Which is probably why Da is
doing it in the first place so he can brain wash them into accepting it. Like
he has always tried to do. It’s our job, mine and yours to make sure they
understand that anything he does is not normal and is not ok you understand
me?” Will said.

“How do I do this? He wants me to meet him downstairs so he can…,” I sighed, “I
already want to cut my skin off and I don’t see any way out of this.”

“I don’t think there is a way out of this,” Will said, “Not without mum. We
just have to make sure they understand that he’s not a good person that what he
does is wrong. That’s all we can do.”

“He didn’t used to always be like this,” I said thinking about it, “When we
were little for a while he seemed almost normal. Sometimes I think it’s my
fault,” I said.

“How would this be your fault the fact that he’s a nasty person? Will asked.

“I don’t know I just feel like it is. I mean he didn’t used to be nearly this
bad when we were younger and then I got older and things just got different,” I
said shrugging my shoulders.

“You mean we started growing up? John it’s normal to grow up I know he’s gotten
more handsy with you, me too but it’s not our faults ok? You’re supposed to
grow up we’re supposed to grow up,” Will said.

“Not like this. Pat said it would get better as we got older but it’s only
getting worse, the way he…it’s just worse Will it’s a lot worse and we’ve only
been back like two days. I just keep thinking about last time how he didn’t let
me wear clothes so he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I can’t
do that again I’ll die. I will I’ll kill myself I can’t be his fuck toy I can’t
do it,” I said.

“You are doing it and you’re doing the best you can,” He said.

“And it’s not good enough ok? I feel like beyond gross and you know what
they’re going to eventually do? Make all of us, do it? Probably to each other
too and I can’t… Because you know he hasn’t forgotten what we said.” I
mentioned.

“I know,” Will said swallowing, “I’m not looking forward to it. Do you think
he’ll tape it?”

I shook my head, “I don’t know. I can tell you I don’t want to do it.”

“Well I didn’t think you did, just saying,” Will said rolling his eyes.

“Yeah at least we know we’re not like Da because of that fact because Da seems
to have no problem with fucking someone he’s related to,” I said smiling
slightly.

“Dude, our lives are so sad we have to joke about that,” Will said shaking his
head, “So what are your plans for today?”

“Probably hide somewhere hoping that I can avoid being found for a lunch
quickie,” I answered.

“Sounds like fun my plan is diapers and probably Tella Tubbies,” Will said.

“Sounds thrilling,” I replied turning the water off as Will handed me my towel
through the curtain, “Thanks.”

“No problem I mean I don’t want to see you naked,” Will said as I opened the
shower curtain and stepped out.

“Well then you better leave so I can get dressed,” I said as he walked to my
bedroom door and left.

I got dressed and once I was dressed I headed to the upstairs kitchen and
grabbed a pop tart and then helped Will get everyone else fed. James was
staring at me while I poured the milk onto his cereal.

“You ok bud?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I think so,” He said.

“Something on your mind?” I asked him.

“Why’d you let him, do it?” Mike asked.

“What?” I asked confused turning to Mike.

“Kiss you like that?” He asked.

I sighed and paused wondering how to best answer without being graphic and
inappropriate, “He said if I didn’t he would do worse things to me that you
shouldn’t have to see. I’m sorry you had to see that. I want you guys to
understand that kissing someone like that isn’t right especially your Da ok?
Once we are all older and we love that person in a romantic way then it’s ok
but until then you shouldn’t kiss people like that ok?”

“Worse things like what Uncle Ben does to us?” Mike asked.

“Yes,” I answered simply.

“Da does still do that stuff to you?” Catty asked me, “Touches you where he’s
not supposed to.”

“Catherine, you need to not ask people that,” Will said handing her a cup of
orange juice, “You know Da touches you like that so can we all just assume he
does it to everyone here and leave it at that?”

“Sorry,” Catty answered.

“It’s ok Cat,” I said, “I understand why you are asking but you really
shouldn’t ask ok?”

“Ok,” She said. She didn’t seem upset but everyone went quiet.

After everyone was done eating I started cleaning up while Will moved everyone
to the living room to watch a movie before lunch and possible afternoon naps.
It was around ten in the morning and I was beyond tired since I had been up
since around 5 if I had slept at all which I don’t’ remember doing. Will came
back in after he had everyone set up and had pushed play on the VCR. He started
washing dishes.

“Just dry,” He said as I looked at him as he took a wet plate from my hand, “So
on a more interesting less depressing note have you seen or talked to him yet?”

“Yeah, I snuck out the morning and saw him for a little while,” I said nodding
my head.

“So how did that go?” Will asked.

“He told me he has a contract so anything that might happen has to wait until
March when the contract between him and the guy he signed it with is up. We
have to be extra careful no messing around. He said he was sorry for kissing me
after he did it I might add,” I answered.

“Ouch,” Will said, “At least you know he’s still very interested, are you?”

“Am I interested in him? Yeah I kind of never really got over him,” I replied.

“What about Heather?” Will asked.

“Heather and I never nearly went as far as Pat and I did, like we got pretty
far,” I said.

“Woah, wait are you telling me you’ve had sex? Like sex sex,” Will asked
stopping mid-plate and staring at me.

“No, we’ve kind of been over this, haven’t we? Not sex sex, just like fooled
around,” I answered, “Heather was normal though she was the most we ever did
was kiss.”

“But you more than kissed Pat?” Will asked me still staring at me open mouthed.

“No all we did really was kiss too, just the places we kissed each other wasn’t
always the lips,” I said trying to sound causal shrugging my shoulder even
though I was blushing.

“Holy shit,” Will said shaking his head, “So what was it like?”

“Not cold and shaky surprisingly, it was more warm and soft and smooth. It was
nice,” I answered.

“So, different from them?” He asked meaning Da and his friends and Uncle Ben.

“A whole different world,” I answered.

“That’s actually good to know,” He said starting to giggle.

“Don’t,” I answered.

“Don’t what?” Will asked, “Laugh, I’m laughing because I relieved I’ve always
wondered if it felt the same because you know… it’s,” his face fell becoming
serious, “Worrisome I guess.”

I nodded my head, “It is yeah. I get nervous every time but it’s, it never
feels like it does when it’s them.”

“Good,” Will said nodding his head, “Good.”

“Yeah,” I answered, “Do you ever feel like a freak because you know it’s going
to be hard to get past them? Get past what they’ve done, what they do?”

“No, because they didn’t do it because of anything I did they did it and keep
doing it because they want to. It’s not my fault but I don’t have to let them
determine the rest of my life,” Will answered me, “Don’t let them determine
yours.”

Will handed me the last dish so I could dry it and walked away.I dried the dish
and put it away. I wasn’t in the mood to watch TV but I also wasn’t really in
the mood to sleep even if I could have so I sat in the other living room with a
book.

I thought about what will had said. My little brother being so wise for his
lack of years. He was right I shouldn’t let them determine my life if I wanted
to be normal I could fight for normal maybe I wouldn’t ever be that but I could
strive for it. I could fight for some sort of normal if I could hold on and
wait until my chance, until I had a moment to breathe but until then it was
just a second by second life. Any second they weren’t with me was a good one
and any second I had to deal with them I just had to hold my breath until they
left me again.
***** 2 *****
Chapter Summary
     John has thrown himself into the fire hoping to shield his siblings
     as best he can, to protect them as much as he can while he himself
     tries to adjust to the sudden change of being home again. Of being
     with Da again.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 26 to 43. Warnings: Rape/non-con, anxiety, mental health
     issues, emotional abuse, physical abuse. Comment if you like it, tell
     me what you think is going to happen next. Tell me you wish Connor
     was dead because boy oh boy...however if I killed him (hmmm? Is that
     a hint of things to come I wonder...) it would be a lot less fun. If
     you find any spelling mistakes let me know.
I can’t even remember what book it was but after a while the intercom buzzed
but I got up and hit the call button before he could even say a word, “I’m
coming don’t worry about it.”

I took the lift down to the third floor walking the hallway to the home office
I could feel my whole body was tense because I didn’t want to do this but I
didn’t see a way out of it I reached my hand out to knock on the door but he
opened it before I had a chance to knock, “Come in,” He said smiling at me
sending a shiver through my body. I didn’t want this.

“I wanted some extra protein for lunch is that ok with you?” He asked me
grabbing my fore arm and dragging me forward into the room so he could shut the
door behind me, “Come on sit in my chair.” He said gesturing to it as his hands
slid around my waist pinning me close to his body and cupping my ass with his
hands. He spun us around so he could force me to sit down and I did so the seat
feeling weird and warm, the leather soft under my body the chair’s size making
me feel small and weak.
He got down on his knees in front of me and started undoing my pants making me
freeze my brain feeling fuzzy as he started pushing my pants past my hips and
then down my thighs. He was going to blow me I knew he was going to blow me and
I knew there was nothing I could really do to stop it from happening so I
gripped the arms of the chair as hard as I could as he started doing what he
wanted making my breath come in sharp little gasps as the pressure and heat
started building and I tried to ignore the feeling that was flooding my body.
Just as I was getting close to giving him what he wanted the phone rang causing
him to sigh into my pelvis heavily and stop to answer the phone.

“Hello? Yeah, no, no it’s fine patch him through I was just on my lunch break,”
He said before pressing the button for speaker phone and putting the receiver
back, “Hello Mr. Lord, you called? How are you?

“Hello Connor, I’m emailing over the budget proposal for advertising I need you
to take a look at it and tell me what you think. I’m actually doing very well
here but planning on heading down to the Villa for a slight vacation before
things pick up in September. How are things for you I heard you got your
children back?” He asked from his office in New York.

“Yes, actually I did I’m getting reacquainted with my oldest over lunch right
now,” He answer starting to Jack me off.

“Really? Well, I’ll make the call quick then, how does he look? Has he hit your
age yet?” Mr. Lord asked confusing me as my eyes started to roll.

“Pretty close he’s really matured you should see him, but I guess if you’re
coming down you can soon enough. He’s really hardened up,” My Da answered him,
“He’s…god,” My Da muttered as I started to leak precum, “Are you going to say
anything to Mr. Lord baby?” He asked catching me off guard.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know if I could find my actual voice
the conversation making me feel sick to my stomach. So, I wasn’t out growing my
Da’s attractions I was growing into them. Fucking awesome.

“He can hear me?” Mr. Lord asked.
 
“Yeah I figured it wouldn’t be bad you want to talk to him while I have some
protein?” My Da asked him.

He laughed loudly, “Sure go ahead, So John how are you doing?” Mr. Lord asked
me as I felt the warmness engulf my penis.

“H—hi I—I—I I’m fffine,” I answered.

“Your Dad’s having fun huh?” He asked me, “Why don’t you let him know how good
it feels? I wouldn’t mind hearing.”

“I—I’m oook,” I stammered, “I—oh shit,” I said before I could help myself my
eyes going wide as I tried to keep breathing.

“Feels good huh?” Mr. Lord said and I could hear the excitement in his voice,
“You can make noise you know? We like to know we’re pleasing you, making you
feel good. I wouldn’t mind making you feel good myself because you are a sweet
boy.”

I squeezed my eyes closed trying to fight it trying to fight what my body was
feeling because I didn’t want this to happen. Especially while the leader was
on the phone listening probably listening to my breathing become labored just
waiting for me to let a sound escape from me, a sound to let him know what was
happening when I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on. I wasn’t doing
this because I wanted to I was doing this because it was me or one of my
brothers and I wasn’t going to let him touch them. Or just as bad, one of my
little sisters.

“I… oh fuck,” I said as I felt like I was starting to climax my whole body
shaking as my Da took me out of his mouth and started jacking me off biting
gently at my balls tipping me over the edge forcing a moan from me as I
climaxed.

“Now that is a good sound,” Mr. Lord said, “I’m pleased that sounds so nice. I
wish I was there to help.”

My Da licked me clean before he spoke, “You would enjoy it. He’s a little older
than your favorites but he’s nice and he’s matured in a lot of ways,” My Da
said trying to be coy about the fact he was referring to my genitals.

He sat up retracting the arms of his office chair and sitting on my lap my
pants still down grinding against me, making me shudder. I wanted to be done
with this, this whole thing but he started kissing on my neck rubbing my
shoulders. Making me start to shake as I tried to keep breathing because I knew
it wasn’t over.

“You want to really hear him let go sir? I can make him I just have to find the
right spot. Rimming and g-spot stimulation seems to really get him going,” My
Da said making me avert my gaze as I felt my cheeks starting to go red.

“Oh, he’s one of those huh? I’d love to hear it if you want to stay on the
phone,” The Leader said from the other end of the line.

“Fun, come on baby, up on the desk,” He said getting up so I could move to sit
on the desk in front of his chair.

I shook my head. He had already done one of the worst things he could do to me
now he wanted to do the rest of them. Was he kidding me. I felt my eyes widen
in horror and I shook my head. I didn’t want that done at all let alone with
someone else listening on the phone listening to hear the sounds I made when I
couldn’t keep myself quiet anymore.

“Come on baby it’ll be fun,” He said gesturing at his desk again the side of it
that didn’t have a monitor on it.

That’s when I noticed it was a new desk and L shaped one with one side open and
free of paper and clutter while the other side held the monitor and some paper
work. I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to do this I remembered the last time
someone had given me really concentrated g-spot attention how I had completely
frozen up unable to do anything but lay there and hope it was over. How Pat had
ended up doing the same thing when they did it to him in the bed on the other
side of the room. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head of that moment. It
kept replaying in my head how it felt like my whole body was being torn apart
when they did that how my brain at screamed at me for betraying myself.

“Please,” I barely whispered the lump in my throat growing making it feel like
it was hard to swallow. How was I supposed to explain to him how bad it made me
feel?

“Oh, come on baby don’t be shy, I can make it feel really good, hit all the
right spots go nice and slow,” He said coming over to me, “He’s kind of
freezing up on me a little bit here what should I do?”

“Do what you usually do just make him do it, he’ll like it once you start you
know he will,” The Leader answered him as he grabbed me by the shoulders
forcing me towards the desk trying to get me to sit down.

“NO! NO! I WON’T T DO THAT NO!” I screamed fighting against him, straining
against him my hands clawing at his arms as he grabbed me hard pushing me
backwards onto the desk, “DA NO! NO STOP! NO! I’M TELLING YOU NO PLEASE NO!” I
kept screaming while he pushed me hard onto the desk top using his body to pin
me to it stomach down.

He grabbed something and I felt the coldness of whatever he was planning to use
as lube up against my asshole on his fingers. I didn’t want this I didn’t want
this I felt dizzy from screaming at him telling him to stop that I didn’t want
it. I couldn’t fight him anymore on it as he slid his fingers into me taking a
minute to get inside me his fingers moving in that motion that made me quiet
almost instantly because I knew if I didn’t go completely silent I would give
them what they wanted. as his fingers worked their way around feeling for that
spot a horrible tingle started spreading through my body an ice-cold tickling
sensation going from the tips of my toes into the very ends of every strand of
hair making my eyes go wide as I gripped the side of the desk hard enough the
edge starting cutting into the palm of my hand.

“That’s the spot, isn’t it?” He asked feeling my body tense to the point where
I couldn’t stop myself from visibly shaking, “There you go baby just let it
happen let me make you feel good.”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe but I knew I was breathing, I wanted to die
because I knew I was giving him everything he wanted and there was no way I
could stop it. my head starting to swim as I could hear the pounding of my
heart in my ears and his words of encouragement started to sound farther and
farther away. almost like we were under water every move he made feeling like
it was in slow motion sending the ice-cold sparks through my body.

I’d like to say I don’t remember making the noises they kept prompting me for.
I’d like to lie and say I don’t remember the way the Leader egged him on trying
to get him to draw every bit of sound out of me he could but the truth is I do.
I remember how the leader told him to go faster and then waited to hear what I
sounded like and told him to go deeper or slower until he finally told him to
penetrate me and he did. He told him to just move his hips and not pull out and
he listened pushing me to a point of humiliation I didn’t know I could reach
making me repeatedly orgasm before he stopped getting up and going to the
bathroom leaving me unable to move breathless on top of his desk.

“You’re such a good boy Johnathan,” Mr. Lord said as my Da left the room, “I
can’t wait to see you when I take my vacation we’ll have some fun all right? I
have to go I’m running late for a meeting with the accountant, take good care
of your dad for me. Have a good afternoon,” He said hanging up his end of the
phone the dial tone starting to buzz.

I felt numb and queasy my legs feeling like wet noodles just laying there. I
wanted to cry but I was too tired, too broken and used to really do anything at
all. I knew if I tried to get up I wouldn’t be able to stand on my own for more
than a second if I was lucky. I knew I was beyond tired and I was about to pass
out and surly would do so if my Da came back and wanted to keep going but no
matter scared I was of that I just didn’t have the energy in me to move my
whole body still tingling in that icy cold static. When he came back he was
smiling his pants back in place like nothing had happened.

“I thought you would have walked away,” He said to me looking at me closely.

I remember turning to look at him but not speaking. I didn’t think what I had
to say mattered because it seemed like it was either disregarded or outright
ignored with him anyway so why even try to speak? I sighed looking at the wall
for a second before my eyes started to fall closed in spite of my best efforts.

“Tired? Its ok baby let me take you to bed,” He said putting an arm under my
knees and the other under my upper back picking me up and carrying me off to
the guest room next door like I was his bride he was about to deflower for the
first time. However instead of raping me again he laid me gently on the bed
pulling the covers carefully off the side beside me and then sliding them out
from under me, “Just take a nap relax. I’ll go check on the kids later ok baby?
I love you,” He said kissing my forehead before he quietly retreated shutting
the door behind him.

I woke up hours late my skin still tingling my whole body still beyond tired.
My whole being beyond tired. All I could think was that was three times in one
day and I probably had at least one more to go. I couldn’t deal with this I
couldn’t deal with another round while my body still felt him his skin against
mine, him inside me. I sighed heavily and rolled off the bed finding my clothes
and throwing them on so I could go upstairs and shower again. I couldn’t stop
myself from crying thinking about what had happened. How he had let someone
listen to it on the phone how it didn’t matter that I had begged him not to
that he did it anyway. That he had already started whoring me out again in away
and I had only been home for two days.
I knew I was crying but I didn’t care. I knew that I couldn’t keep this up but
didn’t want to say it out loud because that made it true. Admitting that I
wanted to kill myself made it that much more likely it would happen and I knew
that wasn’t a choice I had. I used to lift and got back upstairs but didn’t
stop to talk to anyone walking straight to my room and shutting the door then
going into the bathroom and shutting that door turning on the water again as
hot as I could manage it before I stepped in. I sat down in the bottom of the
tub letting the hot water run over my skin letting it wash the filth away and
down the drain. It was quiet for a while just me in the bathroom in the shower
the hot water running down on me, me hoping it would rinse my life away until I
heard someone knock on the door.

“Who is it?” I asked loudly wiping at my eyes quickly because I knew I had been
crying since I climbed into the shower.

“It’s just me,” Will answered quietly opening the door, “This is your 2nd
shower today.”

“3rd,” I corrected him, “Why does it matter?”

“Because it’s not normal, are you ok?” He asked me.

“No but neither is getting raped everyday let alone 3 times in one day maybe
even four,” I answered, “No I’m very far from ok why are you asking?”

“Because you don’t usually shower 3 times in one day and you’re not usually
this angry when I walk in to ask you something while you’re in the shower,” He
answered me.

“I’m just tired ok? You don’t know what he did,” I answered rolling my eyes
even though Will couldn’t see me and I was very aware of that fact. I wasn’t
tired I wanted to crawl into a hole and die but I couldn’t. That man listening
to me, telling my Da what to do to me, it had been too much it had made me so
angry.

“What did he do?” Will asked me gently. I could tell he wasn’t asking me to be
mean but because he thought I need to get it off my chest that maybe telling
someone would help me feel better about it but, nothing would. If I felt I had
any choice at that moment I would have swallowed all the pills I could find
everything just seemed so pointless, hopeless like I didn’t matter, anything I
wanted, felt or needed didn’t matter that I was just their toy to be used and
laughed at and have its button pushed to make it do whatever they wanted.

“He let the leader listen and then give him directions while he…,” I trailed
off not wanting to talk about it.

“I’m sorry,” He said after a few minutes of silence, “How are you feeling?”

“Like I can’t do this anymore,” I answered, “Like nothing I do is going to make
a difference like none of this is really worth it.”

“Do you want to hurt yourself?” Mike asked me calmly.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to feel them on me anymore though. I want them to
leave me alone and let me just breathe,” I answered honestly, “I want to just
be able to breathe.”

“Ok,” Will answered, “I have to go take care of somethings but can James sit in
here and play with his G.I Joe’s while I do that because I can’t keep an eye on
everyone and you said Uncle Ben was threatening him so if you could keep a
close eye or ear on him it would really help me out.”

“Yeah, send him in,” I agreed. At the time, it didn’t occur to me that he was
sending James in to baby sit me but after I got older that hit me and it
happened more often someone would come in and sit on the toilet while someone
else showered or would make an excuse up so they had to sit with one of the
younger kids so they wouldn’t have the chance to hurt themselves. It kept us
safe when we needed it.

“Ok, I’ll go get him,” He said leaving quickly shutting the door behind him. I
was only alone for a few minutes when I heard the door crack back open.

“Will said I should be with you so I’m going to sit here and play with my G.I
Joe and Tim,” James said to me.

“Ok bud just stay on that side of the curtain all right?” I told him.

“Yeah that’s fine with me I don’t want to see you naked, you are naked in,
there right?” He asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“You’ve taken a lot of showers today,” He said casually, “Why so many?”

“Because I feel gross,” I answered.

“Because of Da and Uncle Ben?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered, “Can we not talk about this right now?” I asked him feeling
sick to my stomach hearing my voice shake.

“I’m sorry they are so mean to you,” James said quietly, “I wish they weren’t.”

“Thank you bud that means a lot to me,” I said trying to hide the fact I was
crying.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“Yeah just really really tired,” I answered him, “I know you understand it. I
realize you understand and you shouldn’t but I just really I’m really tired
bud.”

“When are you friends going to come over again?” He asked suddenly.

“What friends?” I asked confused.

“Your friends that used to come over and play with us because when they came
over I could play video games because Mike and Matt would let me when your
friends aren’t here they don’t let me play video games with them and I want to
play video games so can they come over soon?” James asked me.

“I don’t know we’ll see,” I answered before I turned off the water and stuck my
hand out grabbing my towel and drying off and wrapping it around my waist
before I pulled the curtain open.

“Your eyes are red,” James said simply looking up at me from the floor, “When
is mum coming home?”

“I don’t know bud,” I answered going into my room and grabbing some clothes,
“Can you stay in there while I get dressed?” I asked pausing at the door before
I closed it.

“Yeah sure,” He said not even looking up from his toys as he went back to
mumbling to himself.

I grabbed something comfy because my body still felt sore after being pushed on
and pounded against a hard cold desk. My ass actually still felt a little sore
which wasn’t usual after sleeping and it made me feel slightly worried that
something was wrong but I didn’t seem to be bleeding. It was probably just from
being anally raped twice in one day which while I was used to being abused I
wasn’t use to that happening hours apart and it actually didn’t happen as often
as people would think it did.
When I was done getting dressed I opened the bathroom door to still find him
sitting there with his G.I joes and mumbling to himself happily. He looked up
at me and smiled, “Will said him and Mikey were making grilled cheese for
dinner, I love grilled cheese.” He said.

“Well I just hope Will does most of the cooking because Mikey might burn the
house down,” I said making James laugh.

“I don’t think he will,” He said to me, “he’s not bad at cooking he’s just not
good at it.”

“Yeah well, he’s young like you he’ll learn just do me a favor and keep the
fire extinguisher handy ok?” I said to him as he got up and started walking
away.

“Ok,” He answered me, “Are you going to nap?” He asked me.

“Probably I’m really tired,” I answered him.

“Yeah, I know you look really tired,” He said hugging me a G.I Joe in each
hand, “Have a good nap I love you.”

“I love you too bud, go play ok? I’ll call my friends and see if they can come
over that way you can play some video games,” I promised.

When he skipped out of the room I closed the door quietly behind him. I was
beyond tired I allowed myself to fall onto my bed and didn’t bother to pull the
covers around me before I closed my eyes and started to drift off. I remember
having a weird dream. In the dream, I was at the Villa but instead of being
tied to a table I was tied to a chandelier and hoisted into the air before they
stabbed me in the stomach exposing my guts and allowing them to drop down to
the floor as they started to spin the chandelier and laugh at me while I
screamed out. I woke up with a start. I’m not sure if it was the dream or if it
was the knock on my door but when I opened my eyes Matt was standing in my door
way staring at me.
“Yeah?” I asked sitting up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

“Dinner is ready,” He said and then continued to stare at me. I felt he had a
question to ask me but I didn’t want to hear it so I sighed heavily hoping he
would go away but he continued to look at me.

“What?” I finally asked him.

“Does it feel good?” He asked me making my raise my eye brows. I knew what he
was talking about I wasn’t going to pretend I didn’t. Did it feel good?
Physically sometimes yes but that just made it worse like a million times
worse.
“No,” I lied as he scanned my face looking to see if I was telling the truth. I
wanted to slide my tongue over my back molar which always let everyone know I
was upset but I had learned from being away that they watched me for it my
brothers because they knew what it meant that I was telling a lie or I was
upset so I did my best to not do keeping my mouth closed swallowing slightly.

“Really? Because it feels good to me sometimes,” He said causing my eyes to go
wide.

I was shocked that he would admit that to me. We all knew that it probably felt
the same more or less for each of us but to say it was almost like admitting
you liked it even though that’s not really what it meant at all that’s what it
felt like it meant. To say it was shameful to say it was to admit that maybe
you were to blame for it happening. To say it was to take ownership of it.

“Don’t say that,” I said looking at him, “You shouldn’t say that.”

“Why not? It’s true sometimes it feels really nice,” He insisted, “In the one
video the sounds you made, made it sound like you liked it.”

I felt my face flush red, “You’ll understand when you’re older, go play.”

“But…,” I cut off his words feeling angry and afraid.

“I said go play.”

He shrugged his shoulders and smiled slightly walking away leaving me there
completely beyond confused. I didn’t know what they were doing to him at the
time only that they were probably doing something to him. I still didn’t quite
understand how their brain washing was working on him and not on anyone else
but I didn’t really think about it too much.

I just knew my brother was disturbed and it was going to be hard for me to
treat him like I treated the others if he kept asking me questions like that. I
sighed getting up and walking to the kitchen my whole lower half making sure I
heard the complaint loud and clear as I got up and wobbled slightly on my
unsteady legs that still felt half dead no matter how much I seemed to sleep.
When I got there, everyone was sitting around the table each paper plate had a
grilled cheese sandwich on it while there was another paper plate in the middle
with 3 or 4 extra sandwiches resting there. Everyone was eating with the
exception of Matt and I Matt having already eaten and gone off to the living
room back to his video games.
“Hey,” Will said smiling at me as I sat down in the empty chair with the grill
cheese on a plate in front of it, “Are you ok?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “Yeah fine,” I answered plainly taking a bite of my
sandwich, “You hack him yet? Find out anything?”

“No, haven’t had the chance he’s been in the office all day. I can try later if
you want me to but…,” Will was saying but I interrupted him.

“Uncle Ben is here no leaving the floor after dark even you ok?” I said and he
nodded his head letting me know he understood, “Because Da will be busy but he
won’t be and I don’t need that in my head too all right?”

“So, you are going to then?” Will asked me and I knew what he was referring to.

He was asking me if I was going to sleep with him. Share a bed with him let him
do whatever he wanted to me. I nodded my head. This wasn’t a conversation I
wanted to have however it was a truth that I should probably admit to so I did.
Thinking about it made me sick to my stomach but it was all I felt I was good
for keeping everyone else safe for making sure his hands or my uncles didn’t
touch anyone else. Didn’t make anyone else hate themselves in the same way I
hated myself.

“You shouldn’t,” He said.

“Are you going to?” I asked him.

“To what?” Catty asked confused because she was young and only half following
the conversation.

“Nothing,” I answered simply taking another bite of my sandwich.

“I don’t think you should. I think you should stay here and we’ll all deal with
the consequences,” Will said.

“Nope,” I said shaking my head, “My problem ok? I’ll deal with what happens
after.”

“You know how well that’s probably going to go? You’re going to have problems
like you did last time. You know he’s not going to stop, you know he’s just
going to keep going until it’s other people Until you’re on that balcony again
staring down thinking of jumping. You know that’s what’s going to happen,” Will
stated as his face contorted in worry.

“I’ll deal with it when it happens ok? If it keeps you guys safe, I’ll deal
with it. I’m not letting them hurt you any of you,” I said.

“So, what you’re going to let them continue to hurt you? You know how crazy
that is? You know how insane and stupid this sounds right now?” Mum took us
away for a reason John and we’re all sitting here so let’s talk about it let’s
talk about what got us here,” Will said.

“Well, John did, didn’t he?” Matt stated causing us all to stop and stare at
him, “What? We all know it’s true Da wouldn’t let him go if his life depended
on it. Mum even said so in therapy once. Da loves John more than he loves mum
she said it herself she knows. We could all be free if when mum gets back we
just leave him here.”

I folded my arms across my chest shivering. It was true we all knew it was
probably true and no one was willing to talk about it or admit it besides
apparently, Matt. I mean how many times had my Da told me he loved me? That I
felt good that he wanted me that I was fun while my mum was work? How many
times had he actually passed up being with someone else to be with me? That was
the only reason he listened to me and allowed me to have the leeway he gave me
was because he did love me not like he should not like a father should love a
son but he loved me even if it was just the fact he loved having sex with me. I
didn’t know what to say. I was sitting there and I didn’t know what to say to
my eight-year-old brother just say, yeah, you’re right? Da has the hots for me
and you could all be free if I just stayed here he would have never come
looking for us?

“MATT THAT WILL NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN!” Will shouted banging his fist on the
table causing everyone to jump, “I’m not leaving him you know how much he does
for us? You know how many times he has literally given himself up so that it
wasn’t one of us? What is wrong with you Matt? Seriously he does everything he
can to protect you and you talk about leaving him behind if we ever run again?
If that ever happens for all we know Da has hired people to scramble mums brain
so we’ll never run again.”
“It’s the truth,” Matt said quietly.

“We wouldn’t leave him, would we?” Catty asked worried, “I love John I don’t
want to be somewhere without him,” She said her voice trembling a little bit.

James was sat across from me and his eyes went wide as he sat there listening
and pointed at the hallway. Will turned and his face went pasty. I knew he was
there the question was how much had he heard?

“No one is going anywhere ever again,” Da said behind me making me cringe. His
voice was like nails on chalkboard to me most of the time now. Putting me into
a state of caution. I felt sick as he walked closer each of his steps echoing
off the floor and through my ears. I stayed frozen as he placed his hands on my
shoulders. Will eyed me carefully looking watching me for signs of how I was
going to react. I sat motionless until he moved his eyes a certain way as if to
ask if I ok which I responded to by barely shaking my head.

“I love all of you but yes, John is my oldest and that makes him special to
me,” He said, “When your mum gets back her head will be on a little straighter
she’ll come to accept this is the way things are and we’ll be happy again. All
of us together ok?”
“Yes Da,” Mike said getting up and clearing his plate.

“Come on baby,” He said kissing the top of my head meaning he wanted me to
leave with him.

I swallowed and got up taking my plate to the sink. I knew better than to fight
him to fight him could mean he would rape me right in front of them or at least
threaten it. I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want any of it to happen to
be honest. I never did.

“Hey Will? Can you make sure everyone is in bed by 8:30?” I asked and Will
nodded his head slowly looking at me, “I have some stuff I have to take care of
downstairs. I’ll see everyone later ok?” I looked at everyone else and they all
nodded at me slowly besides Matt who just stared at me a sour look on his face
but I got up and walked to the lift anyway.

He pushed the button and type in a code. His own code a new code. I knew he had
one because I hadn’t been stupid enough to think he didn’t. It was his house.
The moment the door shut his hands were on me on the small of my back under my
shirt sending shivers up my spine. I felt sick to my stomach as he buried his
face in my neck biting at my skin there, nudging me hard. His hands feeling
like draggers stabbing at my skin.

“Ok,” I said pushing at him lightly, trying to push him away, “OK!” I shouted
making him stop and look at me.

“What what’s wrong?” He asked me.

“I’m just tired,” I said, “It’s I’m really tired Da can we not please?”

“You just need to get used to it again baby ok? It’s not a big deal really.
I’ll make you feel good. I know I was a little rough earlier I just got caught
up in the moment you can understand, that right?” He said caressing my face as
the door opened onto the second floor, “You just need to relax ok? Remember our
deal you stay with me at night and I won’t touch them, right?”

“Right,” I said nodding my head as we stepped out of the elevator he grabbed my
hand and I let him as he led me to the bedroom.
I knew I was supposed to it. Get undressed but I felt frozen inside half dead
knowing what he was about to do again.
I stood there as he lifted my shirt over my head and undid my pants letting
them fall around my ankles. He half pulled me half pushed me out of them and
towards the bed forcing me to lay down as he got on top of me, kissing me his
tongue gliding across my tongue as I shuddered his hands going under the waist
band of my boxers sliding them down my hips as he broke our kiss gasping and he
smiled at me.

“I love you, you know that right baby?” He said breathlessly his hand stroking
my stomach.

I nodded my head. I closed my eyes as he started to kiss up and down my body
using his legs to kick my underwear down and off my legs as I laid there. I
tried to pretend that it wasn’t him that it was someone else as his kisses
started trailing lower and lower until I couldn’t take it anymore and I sat up
scooting away from him slightly.

“Don’t be like that,” He said sighing pulling his own shirt up over his head
making me feel even more exposed more scrawny and vulnerable looking at his
bare chest, the hair there the defined abs the muscular biceps and arms. I felt
like a little kid a whimpy little kid looking at him watching me closely. He
reached out and touched my cheek making me flinch I felt like I was going to
cry. I couldn’t do this again not today.

“Da,” I whispered as he underdressed himself the rest of the way, “Please I’m
just tired.”

“Well, you can do it or I can go upstairs and get someone else, all you have to
do is lay there ok? I’ll be gentle it won’t be like earlier I promise it’s just
me and you right now. All I want to do is make you feel good,” He tried to
reassure me.

He rolled me onto my side spooning with me. I instantly was reminded of my
branding ceremony where one of them had blown me while the other did things to
me as I laid on my side. I tried to get up and he wrapped his arms around me
hushing me like a person does a baby as I tried to struggle. He held me until I
stopped fighting him on it. His weight shifted and I felt him ready me and push
his way in slowly causing my mouth to open and my eyes to go wide.

“That’s it baby just relax,” He cooed into my ear rubbing my shoulder with his
one hand as the other stayed on my hip starting his movement.

It was slow like he had promised a slow progression of in and out making me
jump and my insides flood with that cold fire that always crept from the groin
up into my spine and out into my limbs reaching every cell in my body. Before I
could stop myself, I made a noise as he pushed against my insides nudging my
prostate lightly.

“Feels good huh?” He said kissing the back of my neck gently.

I felt like I was suffocating. All I could really hear was my heart pounding in
my ears again. Yeah it felt good. He knew it felt good, I knew it felt good but
that didn’t mean I wanted it. That didn’t mean it didn’t make me feel sick to
my stomach and make me want to scream. He reached around and started rubbing me
making my air catch in my throat. I didn’t like the way he was making me feel.
The way he was trying so hard to confuse me I wanted him to stop. I felt myself
hitting climax the slight tingle starting to build under my skin to an
explosive level. Before I could stop it, I reached orgasm coming all over his
hand and my stomach as he reached his peak inside of me making me feel
obviously sticky his cum spilling over and down my ass cheeks slightly as he
pulled out.

“God you’re amazing,” He moaned kissing the back of my neck as he wiped his
hand on the sheet in front of me, “That felt good, didn’t it?” He asked me and
I swallowed nodding numbly, “Good I’m glad you always feel beyond good you feel
heavenly every time baby.” He said hugging me tightly around the waist pulling
the covers up over us and the reaching over top of me to turn out the light,
“Let’s sleep huh?” He said kissing my cheek as he settled in behind me.

I laid there because he had a hold of me and because I knew he wouldn’t want me
to get up. He wanted me to lay there with him feel him against my back, his
skin on my skin. I felt like screaming but I knew I couldn’t. I knew getting up
would stir him and I didn’t want to disturb him because as long as he was tired
and drifting towards sleep he wasn’t forcing me to do things. I tried to be as
quiet as possible, lay there silently as he curled around me like a snake
around a mouse.

I must have fallen asleep at some point because I woke up to the sensation of
wetness engulfing my most intimate parts my eyes snapping open as I gasped.
When I did I signaled that I was awake and he grabbed my one wrist hard
signaling for me to be still.

I started crying my body felt so raw, so tired and sick. I felt beyond able to
deal with this before I could stop myself I started hyperventilating, “Daddy
please,” I begged covering my eyes so he wouldn’t see me crying. He didn’t
stop, he started sucking harder working to get me to climax faster. When he was
done he looked at me as he swallowed and wiped his hand across his mouth.

“How do you always taste so good?” He asked me, “You haven’t called me Daddy in
a long time.”

“Sorry,” I said a panic caught in my chest.

“No, it’s ok baby I don’t mind it. You want to tell me what’s on your mind?” He
asked me wrapping his arms around my waist his face still level with my crotch
making me try to squirm away.

“Da,” I said swallowing hard looking at him grabbing his forearms trying to
loosen his grip.

“That again? You want me to go get someone else?” He asked me kissing the top
of my pelvis right above my penis making me squirm harder.

“I just need a break,” I said desperately.

“Ok,” He sighed getting up, “I’ll go spend some time with Will.”

“No, Da please don’t,” I begged.

“Then stop asking for a break. I’m hardly doing anything to you all you have to
do is lay there I’m not making you work for it I’m not shoving my dick down
your throat I’m not tying you down, you’re fine,” He insisted glaring at me
from where he was laying.

“I just want my body back,” I said.

“How many times do we have to go over this baby? It’s my body not yours and
I’ll do whatever I want with it ok?” He said shifting his weight, climbing on
top of me, “I love the way you taste, smell, feel, you are so amazing baby you
don’t know you have no idea how much I love you how special you are.” His hands
started rubbing my collar bone down my chest rubbing not softly to comfort but
hard like he was trying to restrain himself keep himself from hurting me.

I knew he was getting mad at me because I kept telling him I wanted a break
that I needed him to let me breathe and he didn’t feel he was doing anything
wrong. I didn’t know what to do. As he moved so he was beside me his hands
running over my body still. As he forced me onto my stomach.

I thought he was going to rape me I was ready for that what I wasn’t ready for
was his tongue dragging its way down my spine making me gasps in surprise and
fear or his tongue burying itself into me as I tried to push myself up off the
bed despite the fact he was laying on my legs pinning me down tightly. Making
my eyes go wide every time his tongue dug into me. I couldn’t catch my breath
every single one light and huffy as I tried to pass air into myself my whole
body shaking. My skin felt like a million bugs were on it crawling all over me
lighting up every cell in my body as he did what he wanted to me and I bit into
the pillow I was hugging tightly against my face to keep myself from screaming.

I didn’t want him to touch me like this anymore I wanted to be nothing so he
couldn’t ever grab me again so I didn’t have to feel his nails digging into my
hips or his tongue against my skin. I bit back any sounds that might escape as
he decided he was done with that and flipped me over his hands wandering my
chest and stomach as he buried his face in my crotch deep throating me causing
me to choke on the pillow I still had shoved in my mouth. He brought me to
climax and sighed happily when he was finished and then sadly.

“So, that’s why you were so quiet,” He said, “You were holding back on me,
biting into the pillow? Why would you stop those beautiful sounds huh baby?” He
asked me kissing my cheek making me twitch.

He sighed looking at me, “Ok, all right,” He said softly, “I’m going to go
shower and then I have to go upstairs to work. You can hang out here if you
want. I’d like it if you did but if you want to see your brothers and sisters
it’s no big deal ok baby? I love you.”

I nodded my head as he got up and went to the bathroom. I felt sick to my
stomach. I needed something to stop my skin from crawling. I grabbed my clothes
and threw them on taking the lift upstairs to shower. It was still dark outside
everyone was still asleep I was pretty sure until I heard movement in the
nursery. I opened the door fast thinking it was Uncle Ben but instead found
Matt there staring down at Andrew. Even in the dark I knew that look in his
eyes. I knew and yet I didn’t know what to do.
“Matt, leave Andy alone he’s sleeping,” I said barely more than a whisper.

Matt was only nine. However, I could feel the heat coming off of him, the
stance he had as he stared down at our baby brother in his toddler bed. He
wanted to touch him, to make him squirm under his angry hands just like Da did
to us just like Uncle Ben did to us. It made me feel sick to my stomach just
thinking about it. Knowing my little brother was capable of thinking that way.

“I’m just watching him,” Matt said quietly, “I’m not going to wake him.”

“Matt, you don’t need to be in here,” I insisted, “You need to leave.”

“Why? I’m not hurting anyone,” He answer finally turning to look at me.

“But you want to,” I confronted him. I could feel the anger in my body he
wasn’t going to touch him not ever. I didn’t care how screwed up things had
been for Matt that didn’t give him an excuse to do things to anyone else.

“It doesn’t always hurt,” Matt said looking at me, “You know it doesn’t always
hurt.”

“No Matt it does always hurt, you might not think it does but it does,” I said.

“He just did it, didn’t he?” Matt asked looking at me his eyes frozen pools
void of emotion.

“What makes you think I would tell you even if it had? You’re not normal.
You’re still my brother I still love you but I don’t know what’s wrong with
you. You need help they’ve brain washed you. And until you get that help you
will stay away from the babies ok?” I said looking at him seriously.

“Did it feel good? Da says you always act like it feels good,” Matt said
looking at me that look still on his face.

“Leave,” I said pointing to the door.

“It did, didn’t it? You constantly lie to us because you want him to yourself,”
He accused me, “You like it you know you like it. There’s nothing wrong with
him or Uncle Ben there’s something wrong with you.” He hissed at me before he
walked out leaving me standing there in the dark shaking.

I felt sick to my stomach what was I supposed to do about this? They had brain
washed him so completely he thought I was the bad guy that I was the one who
was lying to him. How was I supposed to protect everyone from him as well as Da
and Uncle Ben? I didn’t know what to do.

I sat down in the rocking chair and allowed myself to rock back and forth in it
thinking. I couldn’t come up with any solution. I must have fallen asleep at
some point because my eyes opened when Mary started crying the sun feeling like
an assault to my eyes. I was still tired I had a headache and I felt like a
part of my soul had rotted away after looking in Matt’s eyes and seeing
nothing. I had failed him.

I had failed him so completely he would never be normal and I knew it. I didn’t
know what to do to help him anymore just that I had to try and make him see
things normally understand things normally. I had to treat him like he was
special needs try to make him feel the same way about things that everyone else
did. I sighed.

I got up and changed Mary’s diaper and then changed Seamus and Mac. I then
helped Laura and Andrew use the bathroom and started dressing infants and as I
was finishing the last one putting the dress over Mary’s head Will came in.

“You ok?” He asked me.

“Matt’s crazy,” I answered.

“You caught that?” He asked me.

“What do you mean caught that? I looked at him last night and there was nothing
there almost like he has no soul. What the fuck happened? What did I let
happen?” I asked more myself then Will.

“Nothing, you didn’t let anything happen he’s being raised by two monsters and
a woman who doesn’t know how to stop them and a boy who is beyond tired and too
busy trying not to go crazy himself,” Will answered me, “All we can do it keep
trying to make him see it, keep trying to make him normal. He’s only nine we
can’t give up on him yet.” Will said looking at me.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked him as I put Mary on the floor everyone
that was able to walk and understand us being out of the room already.

“Yeah, you can tell me anything,” Will said, “What’s up?”

“He scares me,” I admitted, “Matt scares the hell out of me I came in here
early and he was watching Andy sleep and he had that look on his face, you know
THAT look. I told him to leave and he started asking me questions saying I’m
the liar that I’m the one that’s wrong and Da and Uncle Ben aren’t crazy.”

“We can’t give up on him, he’s only nine, I’ll keep an eye on him a close eye
ok? I’ll talk to him again about asking you questions. He doesn’t get it,” Will
pressed.

“No, he gets it, he understands what saying that stuff does to me he likes to
watch me squirm when he does it, he’s sadistic,” I said.

“I’ll talk to him again,” Will assured me, “We can fix this, at least make him
pretend to be normal yeah?”

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this without mum,” I said shaking my head.

“We have to,” Will said, “We have to because if we don’t we’re letting him and
whatever nanny he hires be in charge which is either going to be some asshole
who grooms them worse than he’s managed to brain wash Matty or some stupid girl
who is in such major denial it doesn’t matter what we say, like Karen.”

I snorted at the mention of the name, “Karen thought Pat and I were having
sex.”

“Yeah, I remember that fight, she also thought you were lying about Hank so she
wasn’t the best judge of character.”

I shivered just hearing the name. I knew he was in my future somewhere and I
didn’t like thinking about him about all the things he had done to me and all
the things he would do again once he had the chance. I wanted someone to talk
to and I had no one. I couldn’t tell my brother about my fears because if I did
it would only freak him out more, make him more worried about the state of my
mental health so I had no one. I desperately wanted Pat. Only Pat.

“You ok?” He asked me and I shook my head blinking aggressively trying to clear
the tears from my eyes.

“Yeah, just tired,” I said smiling sadly.

He sighed crossing his arms in front of him he knew I was lying. I knew that he
knew but I spoke before he could say anything.

“There’s not use in talking about it ok? There’s nothing I can do to make it
not happen. They’re all going to come back at some point. I might as well just
accept it,” I said.

“Accept it how?” He asked me, “What do you mean accept it?”

“Accept that they’re going to rape me and use me until I can’t…until I kill
myself or I’m dead,” I answered.

“You think Da would let them kill you?” He asked me.

“No, he’d just make me beg for them to do it and then laugh,” I answered, “He’s
not nice enough to actually let them kill me. He’d rather drive me insane
first.”

“Drive you insane how?” He asked.

“You know how many times I had to…yesterday? Five my body is killing me I can’t
take another day like yesterday,” I said.

Will stared at me wide eyed shocked, “Five times?” He asked and I nodded my
head, “Oh no John, no. Whatever you deal you have made with him, it’s off.”

“No Will, it can’t be if I even hint at a no lately he threatens to come to
you, I’m not putting that on you I’m not letting myself do that to you you got
it? No, absolutely not,” I said shaking my head forcefully.

“You wouldn’t be doing anything to me you would be saving yourself,” Will said,
“I can take it I’ll be all right don’t worry about me.”

“No, you can’t take it I can’t take it how do you expect yourself to take it? I
barely made it through yesterday without swallowing a handful of pills,” I
said.

“And yet you won’t let anyone help you? You know how crazy that is? You know
what Pat would say if he were here?” Will hissed at me.

“Yeah well Pat’s busy with his own problems,” I said thinking of him. Thinking
about him hurt. How I couldn’t be with him, how I couldn’t even really talk to
him.

Just then I felt a cold shudder go down my back as I heard the lift roaring to
life. He was coming I knew he was coming. I didn’t want to be in the nursery I
didn’t want to put anyone else in danger I put Mary in the play pen and did the
same quickly with Mac, “Grab Seamus, put him in the play pin and shut the door,
no one else is awake yet besides Andy and Laura, right?” I asked hurried.

“James and Matt are awake,” Will said watching the reaction on my face, “He
won’t hurt James and he won’t hurt Andy with James there I can bring them in
here though.”

“I’m going to go meet him at the elevator,” I said, “Maybe he’ll just take me
where ever he wants and it’ll be quick,” I said my voice getting caught in my
throat as I my eyes got wet, “Fuck.” I muttered closing my eyes tightly as I
rubbed Mac’s head my tongue finding my molar and running across and I shook my
head as I felt a tear drip down my cheek.

Before he could protest I left the nursery and walked to the lift and when it
opened I was standing there and so was he.

He smiled at me happily, “Hey baby,” He said licking his lower lip, “I have
managed to get the day off work, I have a friend that wants to say hi. Come
on,” He said grabbing me gently by the neck giving me no choice but to come
into the elevator with him. I didn’t know what friend he was talking about and
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. When the elevator opened on the second floor I
felt like my heart was going to beat its way out of my chest because I knew it
was probably only one of two people maybe both of them.

“Will you tell me who it is?” I asked feeling my whole body shaking.

“No, it’s a surprise he’s very excited to see you though,” He said grabbing me
roughly by the arm and dragging me from the elevator towards the back stairs
into the kitchen. Down to see my surprise guest.
***** 3 *****
Chapter Summary
     John gets a vistior from who is a very bad blast from the past and
     ends up in a great deal of pain giving Da time to do other things
     around the house. Will conviences John he needs to see Pat and talk
     to him, needs to do something before he explodes so Pat ends up
     coming over so he can help John adjust to being back home.
Chapter Notes
     pages 44-67 warnings:RAPE/NON-Con right up front,double penetration,
     physical violence, underage kissing, underage touching consensual,
     angst, mental health issues long chapter I fee like but, you know it
     is what it is. Leave comments, let me know if you find any spelling
     mistakes. I like comments.
When he forced me to turn the corner I saw who it was. He was sitting at the
kitchen table in a suit and tie. Dylan was nowhere to be found but it was him.
Worse than Hank the guy who I had sworn once was going to kill me or kidnap me
and never let me come home.

I turned and looked at my Da and he hugged me tightly burying his head in my
neck, “You even think of saying any of those words and I will bring Will down
hear faster than you can utter them you understand me?” he hissed in my ear as
he started undoing my pants.

I couldn’t speak because the first thing I thought to do was beg. I couldn’t
handle him again even though I could already feel his hands on my skin as he
stared at me smiling. I felt like this was some sick trick that my Da wanted me
to say no or don’t or stop he wanted me to beg for him not to let Leo touch me
so he could get Will down here so he could touch Will but I wouldn’t.

I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to my brother. He lifted my shirt over my head
as I stood there still as a statue besides the shaking I couldn’t control as he
bent down removing my boxers leaving me standing there naked in front of Leo.

“He’s hardened up,” Leo said addressing my Da and not me.

“I know, right?” My Da said smiling pulling me forward by the arm out of the
pile of my clothes as I used my free hand to hide myself, “You said you wanted
him. You still want him?”

“Oh yeah,” Leo said starting to come towards me.

I looked at my Da not able to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks but I
refused to make a sound because I knew that’s exactly what they wanted from me.
They wanted me to make any sound at all a scream, a sob, a moan, a plea
anything I refused to even shake my head because I knew that would give my Da
what he wanted so he could go get one of my brothers.

Leo wrapped his arms around my naked shoulders hugging me to his body, “You’re
ok beautiful,” He muttered his hands roaming from my shoulders down my back,
“It’s ok, I just missed you huh? We’re going to make a video together just for
us all right?” Leo said into my ear the words tickling against my skin.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe and that was when Leo started nibbling on my
collar bone. I tried to use his chest to push away from him put some space
between us but he held tight not giving me air not letting me breathe. I
started hyperventilating my breath sounding like hiccups as his hands moved to
the small of my back and my waist and my Da just stood there and watched,
watched this guy molest me, put his hands on me.

After a few minutes my Da sighed exasperated, “You have nothing to say? Not one
word?” He asked seeming completely pissed off as Leo’s hands started massaging
my ass cheeks.

“Can I do him on the counter?” Leo asked lifting me slightly so he was holding
me up by the butt in his arms.

“No, downstairs in case the kids come down,” My Da sighed looking at Leo.

“You want to double?” Leo asked me and My Da turned and smiled shrugging his
shoulders.

“Sure, why not?” He said coming over and up behind me as Leo still held me
tight to him licking my shoulder lightly making me shiver.

I don’t remember how they got me downstairs but I know I didn’t fight it
because fighting at that point was pointless. I didn’t want to be alone with
Leo but I didn’t want the pain of double penetration either and I wasn’t going
to give my Da what he wanted I wasn’t going to let him hear me beg and plead
for them to not do it.

At that point I remember mostly the biting, the sucking their mouths and hands
on my skin as I tried everything in my power to stay silent Leo going down on
me almost forcing a sound from me. My Da grabbed me from behind as Leo sucked
me while he was on his knees and I felt his fingers find their way up inside of
me causing me to gasp.

“There you are, and I thought you had maybe died a little there’s my baby huh?”
He whispered biting into the back of my neck lightly sucking there. As Leo
stopped and they moved me to the bed. I remember burning as they both pushed
inside me one on top of me and one underneath. I remember them moaning as I
screamed out finally letting them hear me finally not able to hold back so I
just gave them what they wanted. They both came in me at the same time and I
could feel blood running down my legs. After that I think I blacked out but I
don’t remember. I don’t remember how many times they raped me after that how
many sounds I made I don’t remember much of anything for a while.

At some point they finished with me but I couldn’t tell you when. Only that Da
handed me my clothes and I was in pain. I wanted to die and I felt like my
insides were ripped apart. I thought I had laid there only for hours when I
finally had enough strength to grab my clothes and pull them on and make it
upstairs. When I got to the kitchen Da was there drinking a cup of coffee the
sun barely up.

“Hi baby, you finally wake up?” He asked me the sound of his voice forcing me
to impulsively take a couple steps back.

“What did you do?” I asked him.

“Oh, we made a fun video with you,” He said licking his lips, “He thinks you’re
beyond amazing too. We had a lot of fun all those sounds you made.”

“How long was I downstairs?” I asked quietly knowing that if the answer was bad
things had happened. Very Bad things.

“Long enough for me to hire a nanny for the kids and get reacquainted with your
brother. It was fun,” He said looking at me, “He’s not as good as you are but
he’s not bad.”

“So, our deal is off then?” I asked bringing my hand close to my mouth not
wanting him to see my worry if he bothered to look at me.

“I didn’t say that, it was just because I thought you needed a break. I prefer
you if that makes you feel better,” He said still not looking at me.

“Why him?” I asked referring to the fact that he had let Leo back into my life.
Leo one of the people I hated most one of the people who had hurt me worse than
anyone else. He got off on my crying my screaming and not in a way that most of
the other guys did. My screaming didn’t just make him happy it excited him in a
way I couldn’t explain especially when I begged him to stop. Hank enjoyed my
screams too but hated it when I spoke and just preferred the sounds of my pure
terror not like Leo. Leo enjoyed it all even the other sounds I made the small
gasps and moans that sometimes escaped from me.

“He likes you, he really likes you he wants to pay good money to contract you,”
Da answered simply finally giving me a lazy half gaze which made me tighten my
long-sleeved shirt around myself.

“Are you going to let him?” I asked my voice shaking in spite of my best
efforts. I was afraid of Leo, Da smiled at me. He knew I was afraid of Leo.

“You want to make a new deal?” He asked me, “I keep you and Leo stays away
instead of protecting them? Does that seem fair.”

My eyes widened in surprise before I could stop myself. Did he think I would
actually go for that? After everything that had happened last night did he
really think that I would toss my brothers to him and Ben to hurt? I opened my
mouth to say something but thought better of it and shook my head.

“Ok, well I’m sure you want to go upstairs and shower spend some time with the
kids. I’ll see you for lunch ok?” He said.

I sighed heavily running a hand through my hair. Was he serious? I didn’t want
to do that., “Really?” I asked timidly wondering why he couldn’t give me more
time. More time that I needed because I was still sore and tired. I felt
utterly broken and I could feel all the bruises they have left on my body all
the places they had touched could still feel their hands.

“Yes, really I haven’t had you in two days. I want you ok baby? Unless you want
me to go play with someone else for lunch come to my office when I ask ok?” He
said pouring another cup from the pot of coffee before he put in his creamer
and put the creamer in the fridge he looked at me and smiled, “Wait to use the
lift because well, I don’t want to waste my coffee. You’re hard to not touch
you know?” He said before he put his cup down and I heard him mutter something
under his breath before he started coming towards me.

I shook my head before I couldn’t stop myself backing away until I was against
the wall. That didn’t stop him seeing my fear didn’t stop him even for a second
he grabbed my forearms lightly causing the bruises there to start stinging as
he used his body weight to push me tight against the wall his lips inches from
mine. I didn’t want him to kiss me, he had given me over to someone who I could
have sworn wanted to kill me. I felt angry.

That was the first time I ever hit him. Really hit him. I remember being more
terrified then angry and then anger took over. Knowing he didn’t really love me
because if he had he wouldn’t have let Leo do the things he did to me. I
reached up pushing him as hard as I could which barely made a difference but
then my arm wrenched free of his grip and I punched him hard in the chest
causing him to stop and look at me. At first I thought he’d be angry right off
the bat but instead he backed up and smiled.
“Hello there,” He said his eyebrows moving in a weird way that caught my
attention making me feel confused, “Is it time for restraints already?” he
asked cocking his head to the side licking his bottom lip, “You want to fight
it I can go get someone else.”
I shook my head, “I won’t fight,” I answered.

“Show me?” He said smiling and I grimaced forcing myself to kiss him forcing my
tongue past his lips as I hugged him to me. I tried to remember Dom’s words
from last year “control the pace” and I couldn’t he wouldn’t let me. Before I
knew it was picking me up bring back to that table that table that I hated so
much it made me want to scream as he hands found their way under my shirt and
up against my rib cage as he used his body weight to press me so hard against
the table my elbows hurt.

As one of his hands started trailing its way down my body making its way under
the waist band of my pants as we kissed as I made myself sick to my stomach
kissing back. He broke the kiss his lips trailing from mine to my cheek and
down my Jaw bone to my neck which made me whimper involuntarily. This excited
him his hand finally making its way past the waist band of my boxers against
the bare skin of my upper pelvis. I used my arms to press at him lightly trying
to get him to stop but not fighting him not actively trying to push him away
and then I heard someone clear their throat which caused us both to look up.

“Aren’t you going to be late for work Connor?” Uncle Ben asked looking at us
smiling, “Not that I’m not enjoying the show of course but, you know he hired
you for another reason other than your kids, right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” My Da sighed climbing off of me and straightening his clothes,
“He’s mine don’t touch him.” Da said as he went and grabbed his coffee before
heading upstairs to the 3rd floor to his office.

My Uncle looked at me making me hug myself. I could tell he was turned on that
he wanted to and my Da wasn’t there to stop him. I sat up pulling my shirt back
down my torso straightening my clothes as he watched me.

“You’re not going to...?” I trailed off barely able to breath.

“No, he said I couldn’t doesn’t mean I can’t think about it for a couple
minutes. He’d be able to smell me on you if I did,” He sighed adjusting the
front of his pants, “That and from what I understand he might be contracting
you soon so… you’ll be plenty used.”

“I’m going to go now,” I said standing up slowly.

“You’re shaking. You really that scared of me?” He asked me smiling.

“Just tired,” I answered trying to shrug off his comments.

“Leo?” He asked making me cringe which made him laugh, “He is fun I’ll admit
that. Your Da and him are cut from the same cloth that’s for sure. They are
good, though aren’t they? I always thought your Da was good the way he could
make those tingles spread under my skin whenever Da made him touch me. God how
it hurt so good. Those little chills going up and down my spine as he found all
the right places.”

My eyes went Wide in surprise. They never talked about grandpa, never. I knew
what he had done to them that he had made them this way but they hardly ever
talked about him.

“He make you do one of them yet?” He asked me.

“Who?” I asked confused for only a moment before I shook my head.

“He will soon. Don’t doubt it. He’ll teach you and he’ll teach you well,” Ben
said smiling at the thought, “You might even find you like being on top for
once. Even though if I remember correctly you already found that out with your
friend, right? Pat?”
“Stop,” I said not wanting to think about it. Not wanting to think about the
fact that he was a 10-minute walk down the street yet I couldn’t see him no
matter how much I wanted to. How dangerous it was for me to want to see him.”

“He’s contracted you know? A lot of the guys think it beats being thrown around
like a whore. Being kept. I’ve never been one for the practice personally I
like tasting all the plates if you catch my drift even though some of them are
worth trying out more than once,” He teased.

“I’m going to go,” I said starting to walk towards the stairs.

“You know I’m just giving you hard time right Johnny?” He asked the cease in
the middle of his forehead wrinkling slightly with amusement.

“Yeah, I’ve got to go though the kids are probably wondering where I have
been,” I said reaching the bottom of the stairs.

“Ok, that’s fine, just let me enjoy the view as you go,” He said as I turned
and started walking up the stairs. I could feel his eyes on me could feel his
hands on me what he wanted them to do to me. I felt so sick to my stomach I
only made it up the stairs before I started gagging and had to run to find a
bathroom. Between him and Da and Leo I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I
couldn’t deal with anything anymore I needed a drink and I needed one bad. I
managed to get upstairs to my room and into the bathroom without anyone
bothering me before I broke down. I grabbed the pair of scissors that I knew
was under the bathroom sink and put it against the tight skin on my hip slicing
it open just slightly with one swift moments watching the drips blossom from
the supple pink sink underneath my upper layer relaxing me knowing when I
turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature that the moment I stepped
into the steady stream of water it would burn in the right way to make me feel
almost normal, almost relaxed.

I heard a knock on the door just as I stepped into it and closed the curtain
with a light hiss the feeling of the water hitting that open patch of skin
surprising me a little because it had been so long, “Come in.” I called through
the closed door.
“Where the fuck have you been?” Will asked me from the other side of the
curtain.

“Downstairs,” I answer simply starting to scrub at my skin heavily with the
loofa.

“What do you mean downstairs you mean downstairs downstairs for two fucking
days?” He asked.

“Leo came by,” I answered.

“Fuck, are you ok?” He asked me as I heard the panic in his voice.

“No,” I answered simply.

“Is there anything I can do?” He asked me, trying to give him a chance to help
me.

“Yeah can you shoot me? He wants to see me for lunch. He nearly raped me on the
kitchen table,” I answered quietly.

“I can’t kill you. You want to talk about it?” Will asked me.

“Not really, I want to crawl into a hole and fucking die,” I answered and I
heard the stutter in my voice.

“It’s that bad?” He asked.

“YES, WILL LEO IS THAT BAD!” I said louder than I had meant to, “Sorry I just…”

“Its ok I understand. More than you think,” Will said, “While you were
downstairs Da he… I don’t know how you do it all the time the things he says.”

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you from that.”

“It’s not your fault you were obviously busy,” Will answered me, “You sure that
you don’t want to talk about it?”

“Yeah Will I’m positive I don’t want to talk about how they both shoved their
dicks into me at the same time and how I bled so bad and was in so much pain I
didn’t even realize that I was down there for two days until Da told me when he
was getting coffee staring at me the way he does.” I answered.

“Did you hurt yourself?” He asked me.

“Why?” I asked confused for a second.

“Well there’s a pair of open scissors in the sink and they have blood on the
blade so I’m wondering what exactly you did,” Will answered me, “You need to
talk to someone even if it’s not me will you talk to Pat?”

“Pat is contracted I’m not supposed to talk to him,” I answered simply, “It’s
safer that way.”

“Ok Contracting dictates who you fuck it doesn’t dictate who you talk to you
realize that right?” Will asked me and I heard the tone in his voice change,
“Did you hurt yourself?”

“Even if I did why does it matter it’s already done,” I said, “I can’t hurt
myself anymore then they hurt me so why does any of it ever matter. I’m just a
toy to them it’s not like they care.”

“Which is why you should John,” Will said, “I’m calling Pat so you have someone
you can talk to.”

“Don’t Will I don’t need him worrying about me,” I said, “I’ll be fine I just
need a break.”

“A break you aren’t going to get you just said so yourself he wants to see you
for lunch when do you think he’s going to give you any more of a break then he
did the last two days? Come on just let me call him for you, maybe seeing him
will make you feel a little less alone,” Will begged me.

“Yeah fine,” I sighed relenting.

“Ok,” Will said and I could almost feel him nodding through the curtain, “I’ll
leave you alone.”

When I was done, I found clothes a pair of PJ pants and a t-shirt and a hoody
that was about five times too big and climbed into bed. I didn’t want to deal
with anyone I didn’t want to deal with myself. I didn’t want to be in my own
body having to feel their hands on me knowing that it was going to happen again
in a matter of hours. I didn’t want any of this. After about 10 minutes someone
knocked on the door, “Yeah?” I asked.

The door opened slowly, the sight of him took my breath away from some reason.
It didn’t seem real him standing right there. His hair mused lightly his silver
lip ring wiggling as he bit his lip his eyes lit up like he was looking at
something magical, “Hi Rabbit,” He said quietly shutting the door behind him,
“Why didn’t you call?”

“I’ve been busy,” I answered quietly looking at him feeling guilty that I
hadn’t called, “I figured you were probably busy and you’re not supposed to be
near me anyway.”

“I didn’t say that, did I?” Pat said sitting down on the edge of my bed, “When
I said we couldn’t be together I meant … well you know I didn’t mean we
couldn’t hang out. You’re still my best friend, I still love you more than
anything.” He said his hand brushing the back of mine.

I impulsively grabbed it squeezing back. He felt safe. So, safe I started
crying and couldn’t stop myself. Embracing myself. God, I had missed him so
fucking much. Missed just being near him even if he wasn’t talking. He reached
up and started messaging my shoulders before I threw my arms around him hugging
him tightly burying my head in his chest.

“It’s ok Rabbit, I’m right here, it’s ok you’re safe right now,” He cooed his
hand traveling up and down my back over the top of my clothes the other one
running through my hair, “What have they done to you?”

“What haven’t they done?” I mumbled into his shirt, smelling him taking his
scent in allowing it to calm me down make me less angry, less guarded.

“Oh, my poor Rabbit, what am I going to do with you?” He mumbled kissing the
top of my head gently, lovingly. Turned my face up towards his and before I
could stop myself I was kissing him my tongue exploring his mouth him letting
me his hands still repeating the same pattern over top of my hoody going up and
down my spine sending comfort through my skin invading every cell of my body
making me relax. I felt like I was melting into him like I was truly safe for
the moment. He responded to my kiss his one hand entangling itself in my hair.

When he pulled away we were both breathless and my hands were under his shirt
up against his chest on his rib cage feeling the warm skin under my hands
making me feel an urgent calm making me feel the desire to have his skin
against my skin. We started at each other his eyes shining and bright as he
stared at me his chest heaving with excitement as he smiled at me, “You know we
shouldn’t?” He asked the light in his eyes dancing at the thought of
misbehaving of disobeying.

“Sorry,” I answered quietly, “I know we shouldn’t. I just need to…”

“Feel me?” He said cutting off my words nodding his head, “Me too,” He answered
kissing me again his hands going under my shirt touching all the places my Da
had touched making it so his hands had never placed any pressure there at all
and only Pat’s hands, his delicate touches mattered as he slid my shirt over my
head breaking the kiss in order for it to make it over my head as I did the
same to him. I felt rushed but relaxed not worried for a few moments as he slid
on top of me, gently resting me between him and the mattress under us. His left
hand entwined with my right above our heads his right on my rib cage between us
as he pressed against me lightly. It felt good to have him skin on skin safe,
secure unlike them how they made my blood run cold when they touched me, when
they even looked at me. After a while we broke our kiss staring at each other
knowing we shouldn’t that we couldn’t go any farther as he rested his head on
my chest listening to my heart beat.
“God, I love you so much,” He sighed into my nipple making me laugh slightly as
the air tickled.

“What?” He asked me lifting his head and smiling at me.

“Nothing, I love you too,” I answered running my hand through his hair happy he
was there. Happy Will had called him even though the thought of seeing him at
the time hurt because I thought I wouldn’t be able to touch him. The thought of
other people touching him and me not being able to stop it. I sighed thinking
about what I had to do and how hard that was going to be but feeling comfort as
Patrick laid there on my chest.

“How have you been?” I asked him.

“Now that I’m with you I’m amazing,” He answered kissing the skin next to my
nipple making me jump out of surprise, “Sorry,” He said smiling against my skin
looking up at me.

“For real?” I asked and he sighed turning his head to face me looking up at me.

“I’m ok. I’ve been better but things haven’t been bad. I’ve had a couple days
free. I’ve been worried as fuck about you though knowing you’re back here,
trapped here after everything,” He answered honestly, “How about you?”

“Well…,” I shifted my weight causing Pat to take his weigh off of me as I
rolled down the waist of my jeans for a second. He looked at the mark there his
fingers barely touching it his eyes wide in horror.

“Did they do that?” He asked quietly as I rolled my jeans back up my hip, “Or
did you?”

“I had to feel something else besides them. I know you don’t like it I’m sorry
but I couldn’t anymore, I’m not sure how I’m going to later either but being
with you right now makes it easier to face,” I answered giving him the truth.

“If I could I would do it for you,” He said looking at me seriously the light
in his eyes dimming just a little bit, “I hate them.”

“He made me see Leo,” I said suddenly feeling compelled to talk to him, tell
him things I wouldn’t tell anyone else, “They doubled me and then left me there
after a while. I think he only let it happen because he wanted me to beg him
not to. He wanted me to say no to plead anything, but I didn’t. Not at first.
I’m sure I did after a while after they…started blowing me and stuff because
lately it seems I can never keep quiet. I know they want me to make noise so I
try not to but I can’t not do it anymore and I don’t know why and it’s killing
me that I can’t figure it out because it’s not like I like it, it’s not like I
want it because I don’t I really don’t and I can’t get them to understand that
especially if I can’t keep my stupid mouth shut. I’m so tired of not having
control of being trapped of feeling trapped in my body and in this shit life
where everything is just so fucking hard but you.”

Pat sat up and pulled me into his lap, “Sometimes we can’t help it Rabbit, it’s
ok. It doesn’t mean anything it’s ok. Please don’t hurt yourself they catch you
hurting yourself they will throw you in someone’s basement and hurt you so bad
they will make sure you never hurt yourself again trust me, they’ve done it Dom
and Cole they will do it to you too and I can’t stand to watch you go through
that.”

“They can’t hurt me anymore than they are right now. My whole body is sore I
can’t keep doing this I can’t keep letting them do this,” I said hugging him
around the waist, “I feel like I can’t breathe I feel like I can’t think.”

“They can Rabbit and they will if they catch you hurting yourself trust me,”
Pat said with such a serious tone I looked up at him seeing his eyes were wet
like he was about to cry, “Please I’m begging you don’t do it again no matter
what promise me.”

“I can’t,” I answered feeling my own tears starting to surface, “It’s the only
way to feel anything but their hands on me their …mouths on me.”

“Is there anything I can do you think? To help?” He asked me.

“Just this,” I said rubbing the small of his back my head in his lap, there
were things I wanted to do so badly just to get the feeling of them off my
skin. I wanted to kiss him, to touch him in ways I knew were forbidden and I
wanted him to do those same things. To be inside me erasing their touches from
my body inside and out but I knew he couldn’t. I knew we couldn’t.

“Ok,” He said softly resting his hand on my shoulders, “I’m right here Rabbit I
promise.”

I don’t know how long I held onto him like that thinking about other things,
things I wanted to do to him, things I wanted him to do to me but I felt safe
there. I stayed there until I heard the intercom crackle on the wall meaning Da
wanted me for lunch. A lunch like the one two days before where he had taken
directions from the leader over the phone while he raped me his fingers digging
into me pushing against all the places that would make me squirm and moan. When
I heard, the com crackle I sat up and reached for my shirt.

“He wants me,” I said looking at Pat, “Will you be here when I get back?”

“Do you need me to be because if you need me I will be here,” He answered
kissing me quickly on the lips.

I nodded my head trying to swallow down the lump in my throat. I didn’t want to
ask him to stay but I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to cry just thinking of
Da’s mouth on me the way he would look at me the things he would say. I hated
my Da for it for the way he made me feel. Like I had no control over anything.

“I’ll be here then,” He said nodding his head as he hugged me, “Remember I love
you ok?” He said as I opened the door and took off down the hallway before I
lost my nerve.

I went to the lift and hit the button to go down hugging myself tightly waiting
for the doors to open. When it did open onto the third floor he wasn’t in his
office but in the hallway waiting for me. I felt sick to my stomach looking at
him as he beckoned me forward with the wave of his middle finger. I sighed
trying to swallow back my fear as I stepped forward out of the lift.

“I thought we could use the guest room, I got an hour break today so we can
have some good fun,” He said pinning me against the wall hard making me tense.
All I could think about was Pat, how he was upstairs waiting for me. Waiting
for this to be over so he could comfort me. So, I didn’t have to be afraid or
in pain. He grabbed my shirt pulling it roughly over my head before I could
protest making me feel exposed, naked. He looked at me licking his bottom lip
before he kissed me hard forcing his tongue into my mouth sliding it around
tasting the roof of my mouth making me feel sick and twisted inside.

He picked me up like a bride and threw me onto the bed in the guest room
climbing on top of me his hands wandering up and down my sides like snakes
moving across my skin. I pushed on his chest trying to push him away but he
grabbed my forearms and squeezed tightly making me whimper under his kiss in
response.

“Then stop fighting,” He said breaking the kiss giving me a look that could
melt stone.

I froze. I knew he was going to hurt me if I kept fighting so I laid still
staring at him as he moved off of me undoing my pants and pulling them down to
my knees. I really didn’t want to do this. Not with Pat upstairs, not with me
thinking of how I wanted it to be his hands on my hips his tongue trailing
across my skin. I sighed covering my face as my Da took my cock gently in his
hands and started rubbing.

“God you’re so beautiful,” He muttered before taking me in his mouth making me
jump. That cold chill started traveling from my Dick up my spine and out into
my limbs.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head trying to stay calm trying to keep myself saying
one of the words he never wanted to hear me say no, don’t, or stop unless it
was “no don’t stop” he probably would have wanted to hear that, “Ok,” I barely
managed to stammer again before my eyes started to roll back into my head as I
started to reach that point of no return my mouth falling open as my breathing
became heavy and raspy almost moaning. And finally, as I hit orgasm it escaped
before I could stop it causing me to clap my hand over my mouth in shame. When
he was done he looked up.

“Good?” He asked me his hand going to where his mouth had been continuing to do
things to me, trying to get me hard again, “Come on you know that felt good.”
He said.

I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts, “Da…” I mumbled his hand making it
hard for me to think.

“Come on baby,” He said pulling my pants quickly off the rest of the way and
standing up pulling his clothes off excitedly, “I just want to make you feel
good.”

Before I could stop myself, I said it, I said it and I watched my world go
upside down “No.”

He jumped on top of me and grabbed my tightly by the throat cutting off my air.
I was already bruised and battered from what he had done to me with Leo two
days ago, my body couldn’t take any more pain. I clawed at his hand, “You want
to say it again?” He hissed at me as I felt his weight crushing my voice box.

“I have had enough of you and your disobedience you are going to start behaving
yourself or you are going to be in a world of …” His words trailed off as he
saw the cut on my hip, “That’s not from us. You did that?” He waited for me to
answer as I continued to claw at his hands, “ANSWER ME DID YOU DO THAT?” I
managed to nod my head yes.

“You did that to my body?” He hissed, “Who gave you permission to do that to my
body?” He asked me digging his nails into the cut making me scream, “Yeah
that’s what you get you know what you get if you do it again, I am going to
have Hank come over and he will whip you so hard you will never think of doing
something so stupid again.” He threatened prying my legs apart and reaching his
hand into the Vaseline jug on the bed next to me. I knew this was going to
hurt. I wasn’t stupid. I knew he was going to make sure nothing good came out
of this.

He entered me right away not preparing me nearly ripping me making me scream
again, “DA PLEASE YOU”RE HURTING ME!” I begged as he pushed into me.

“Ok, ok I’m sorry I’ll slow down, I just got mad, let me make it up to you ok?”
He said leaning forward pushing as far into me as he could making me whimper as
he kissed me, “That’s it.” He said starting to pull out using his pelvis to
make the movement. One hand on the back of one of my knees the other on my hip,
“That’s it, god you feel so tight.” He moaned making my stomach jump making me
feel sick.

I wanted his hands off of me, I wanted him to leave me alone. I didn’t want
this I wanted to beg but my throat was sore from his squeezing. I hated him and
I hated myself I wanted to be gone to be anywhere else anything else but he
kept going. He kept going until he climaxed and then his mouth was on me again,
his hands sliding over my skin as he settled between my legs wrapping his arms
around my thighs in order to keep my legs open so he could lay there
comfortably sucking me like a baby nursing making me feel sick. I lost track of
time my whole body shuddering more each time I came. My eyes burning as I tried
to not cry. An alarm went off making me jump and Da got up grabbing his
clothes.

“You taste amazing, you’re so perfect baby,” He said kissing my cheek making me
shiver, “Stay here for me?”

“I-I have to take care of the kids, feed them and stuff,” I answered as he
looked at me closely frowning.

“I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to mess up your neck. It was the only inch of
you that wasn’t bruised I swear and now…well now it doesn’t look that great.
You going to be ok?” He asked me, “Go upstairs take care of the kids if that
will make you happy. I’m really sorry I lost my temper you need to stop telling
me no though. And quit hurting my body ok? I love you baby don’t forget that. I
love being with you so much even more then I love you mum ok?” He said grabbing
me a little forcefully and pulling me forward shoving his tongue back in my
mouth before he let me go and got dressed, “I have to go back to work I’ll see
you tonight ok?”

I nodded my head waiting for him to leave waiting for the door to close behind
him. When he was gone, I grabbed my clothes and threw them on throwing up a
couple times in the bathroom my body still vibrating with this nervous energy
because I could still feel his mouth on my dick licking and sucking doing
things I hadn’t wanted him to do. I felt like I wanted my skin off my body like
I never wanted anyone to touch me again.

I made it to the elevator the lift pulling me back up to the 4th floor to the
place that used to be safe. I didn’t bother to announce I was back just ran to
my room slamming the bathroom door shut and sitting next to the toilet I
started try to sob silently rocking back and forth and shaking. I couldn’t
stand the feeling still of his tongue on my skin of his mouth on my skin. I
wanted so bad to cut myself to make it so I felt something else anything else.
There was a slight knock on the bathroom door making me jump out of my skin.

“It’s me,” Pat said quietly from the other side, “Are you ok in there?”

“No,” I said not able to keep my sobs silent anymore one ripping free from my
throat like the sound of a wounded animal. He opened the door and I could see
the concern in his face.

“Do you need me to get you anything some water?” He asked crouching so he could
see my face as I rocked back and forth and I shook my head in response not able
to stop myself from crying stuffing my fist into my mouth to try and silence my
half screams half sobs, “Oh no Rabbit please don’t hurt yourself please, he’s
done enough of that, please,” Pat begged me sitting down on the floor.

Looking back at that memory I didn’t see it before but he was keeping his
distance. Giving me space to breathe because he knew I needed it. He knew I
could still feel my Da on my skin and knew that touching me without my
permission would have been a bad idea. I couldn’t stop myself from screaming
and started clawing at myself that’s when he sighed and opened his arms.

“Come here please,” He said looking at me hoping I would take the invitation to
allow him to comfort me. I nodded my head and crawled over to him crawling into
his lap allowing him to wrap his arms around me and rock with me, “I’m so
sorry. I’m beyond sorry Rabbit you have no idea.” He whispered into my ear
rocking with me back and forth slowly as we sat there on the bathroom floor
finding a rhythm that was calming.

“Why doesn’t he…?” I asked hiccupping.

“I don’t know Rabbit, I wish I had an answer but I don’t know why he doesn’t
love you. I wish I knew. I wish I understood why they don’t love us but I
can’t, I don’t think either of us will ever understand it but you know I love
you right? I love you so much,” He said as I felt wetness hit my shoulder from
behind, he was crying with me.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that on the floor him wrapped around me
like a blanket rocking me back and forth making sure I felt safe, felt loved
but it was a while. It was until my screams and sobs had stopped and we sat
there tears still silently streaming down our faces that I finally turned to
face him. He kissed my cheek tenderly.

“You feel a little more grounded?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered quietly nodding my head, “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” He muttered softly back in reply, “I have a date tonight.”

I turned shocked looking at him. I could tell he was reading my expression that
he could see my distress and he nodded his head communicating that he felt the
same anxiety I was showing. My heart was in my throat. So not only was it me
who had to deal with it tonight it was him too the person I cared about the
most the person that made my body feel warm and my heart flutter.

“Are you going to be ok?” I asked cupping his cheek softly looking at him
intently trying got read how he was feeling.

“I don’t know, it’s been a little bit,” He answered, “I huh, he scares me he’s
not physically violent like I said before but something about him is just off I
don’t…”

“You don’t want to do it, you’re being forced to like I’m being forced to. He
pushes me farther then I really, it’s hard to explain,” He said.

“I get it,” I said, “God I wish this wasn’t our lives. I wish we could be
normal.”

Pat smiled lightly, “Rabbit if we were normal we probably wouldn’t have the
relationship we do.” He pointed out making me smile in return.

“That’s very true most guys don’t get this friendly with their friends,” I
agreed nodding my head.

“Not at 14 no,” Pat said biting his lip ring, “At 16 though…” He trailed off
making me giggle, “I think we’re probably a little more than friends though.”

“Yeah, just a little,” I teased leaning in and kissing him quickly on the lips,
“Thank you.”

“For what?” He asked me confused.

“Making me feel not so alone. Will tries he does it’s just weird to talk about
with my brother. I do it for him and I don’t know it’s just. It’s different
trying to talk to him about it,” I said.

“You two seem very tense lately,” Pat commented.

“Yeah, it’s he’s been alone basically with me dealing with Da and Mum gone he’s
been taking care of everyone pretty much. Da apparently hired a Nanny but I
haven’t seen one so I have no idea how long it was for if it was just a temp
because I was downstairs or what but it hasn’t been easy for him,” I said.

“What about for you?” Pat asked me looking at me closely grabbing one of my
hands squeezing gently his thumb brushing repeatedly over the skin the back of
my hand.

“I’m ok,” I answered.

“Rabbit don’t lie to me, you’re very very far from ok, I can see it in every
fiber of your being. People who are ok don’t cut themselves and they don’t run
into their bathrooms and scream unable to stop themselves from shaking,” He
said quietly.

“Yeah but there isn’t anything I can do about it,” I answered, “I’m his toy and
he’s selling me to the highest bidder. Uncle Ben said he more or less is really
considering Leo’s offer to contract me. That he’s going to let up only to give
me to him. I don’t like him I really don’t he scares me to death he enjoys
knowing that I don’t like it.”

“Well doesn’t your Da do the same thing?” Pat asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered after a moment of silence, “I don’t think so I think
my Da has tricked himself into believing I like it because of…things.”

“Well yeah, we all do those things because that’s what bodies do that doesn’t
mean we like it, my dad knows that he knows that’s not what it means so I’m
sure your Dad knows what that means because your dad isn’t stupid why do you
think he repeats the opposite to you constantly because he wants you to believe
he’s telling you the truth,” Pat told me.

I felt my stomach drop. I knew Pat had been with my Da but how did he know
that? Know that was something he said that that was something he constantly
told me whispered in my ear, into my pelvic bone sending shivers into my skin.
I swallowed hard my brain starting to blank out.

Pat must have seen it in my face because his eyes went wide,” Rabbit, where are
we?” He coaxed me gently trying to get my head back in the present.

“My bathroom,” I answered.

“Wall color?” He asked me.

“Blue,” I sniffed, “I don’t understand how did you k-k-now that that?” I
managed to get out.

A blush rose in his face. I could see he was ashamed felt guilty that he had
let slip he knew something he wasn’t supposed to know. He swallowed, “You can’t
hate me please,” He uttered looking at me desperately sorry.

“I don’t h-h-hate y-y-ou,” I answered.

“My Dad made me watch videos your Dad gave him. A couple of them were of you
and your Dad together. He made me watch the whole thing I’m sorry I didn’t mean
to bring it up we were just talking and it came out, I’m so sorry Rabbit,” He
said reaching back over to grab my hand again as I pulled away instinctively.

His eyes flashed with worry. At first I thought he was angry but that wasn’t
it. I felt like he had seen me in a way I didn’t want him to see. I didn’t want
him to see someone else doing that to me. Hearing words he shouldn’t have heard
words that were private. I felt beyond violated my brain flashing to every word
my Da had ever uttered.

“Rabbit they aren’t here,” Pat said quietly, “You’re safe right now.”

“Why can I feel them? Why can I always feel them?” I muttered more to myself
then to him.

“It’s anxiety,” Pat said, “Anxiety can feel like them but it’s not them ok?
You’re here with me. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere until I know
you’re ok,” Pat said trying to calm me down.

“I can feel them on my skin I can feel his mouth on my skin,” I said my whole-
body twitching.

“What can I do to help you?” He asked me looking at me closely making sure his
hands were where I could see them so I knew he wasn’t touching me.

“Can you turn on the water? I need to shower I can’t breathe,” I answered
feeling sick to my stomach.

Pat nodded his head slowly getting up not making sudden movements making sure I
felt safe. He reached over and turned on the water adjusting the temperature
for me, at first I wasn’t sure I wanted him to touch me but he held out his
hand to help me up as he pulled the lever allowing the water to start pouring
from the shower head and I took his hand, it feeling warm under my fingers,
relaxing me. He looked at me and I nodded my head as he helped me pull my shirt
off of my body.

He sighed heavily looking at me before he kissed my collar bone covering a
bruise there and then another one slightly lower, making me feel warm and safe
but this nervous energy at the same time. His mouth moved lower trailing a path
of love onto my rib cage past my nipples kissing the bruises there as well a
little moan of content escaping from my lips before I could stop myself causing
me to blush the heat rising in my face as he leaned down helping me out of my
pants, “Are you ok?” He whispered into my belly button.

“Yeah,” I answered my voice heavy with want, “But we should probably…” He stood
up as my pants feel to my ankles.

“…stop? Yeah,” He said quietly nodding his head in agreement coming back up to
my face and giving me a tender kiss on the lips, “I’ll see you when you’re
done? I’ll go hang out with the kids play some video games.” He said smiling
and I nodded my head to communicate I thought that was probably a very good
idea knowing our situation and how we shouldn’t be doing anything like what we
were let alone what we wanted to do.

He smiled at me closing the bathroom door gently behind him and I sighed my
whole body relaxing as I allowed myself to lean against the wall. God, he was
perfect. He always made me feel like things would be ok even if I knew they
probably wouldn’t be. How could someone make you feel so good when life was so
bad? I still don’t know the answer to that question. I finished undressing
myself stepping into the tub.

I scrubbed myself clean and when I was done I stepped out getting dressed and
then went out to the living room which was full of people. Catty was actually
attempting to Play kitchen with Laura and Andy and their play kitchen in the
corner and James actually had the controller in his hand while Pat had the
other one both Mike and Matt watching them play waiting Edgerly for their turns
at the game.

Pat laughed, “Man you are kicking my butt Bud,” He said as James’ race car
pulled ahead of Pat causing me to smile. He looked at of the corner of his eye
and saw me smiling, “Feeling a little better Rabbit?”

I blushed lightly at hearing my nickname, “Yeah, thanks.”

“Rabbit,” Will muttered laughing lightly to himself.

“What?” Pat said glancing over at Will in the corner with his book.

“Nothing,” Will said shaking his head in amusement burying his nose back into
what he was reading.

“No really wha…,” Pat was cut off by James’ enthusiastic yell.

“I WON!!! YES!!!” He crowed happily as Matt offered him a high-five and then
took the controller.

“My turn,” Matt said before glancing over at me, “Have fun?” He asked the look
on his face hinting at something that made my stomach drop.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked him.

“With your boyfriend,” Matt said his eyes landing on Pat briefly.

Pat cleared his throat, “Don’t tease Matty its unbecoming. And it’s not like
that.”

“So, you two don’t have sex like you and Da do?” Matt asked looking at me.

“Hey, Matt what did I say about talking like that?” Will snapped as Pat’s face
went red with anger and mine went red with embarrassment.

“You’re 9 you shouldn’t talk like that especially to your older brother,” Pat
said, “And it’s not like that.”

“Yeah,” Matt snorted.

Will had apparently had enough of Matt’s attitude because he got up and
causally strolled over to him taking the controller out of his hands and
handing it to Mike.

“HEY!” Matt protested.

“You can’t behave and act like a normal person then you can’t play video
games,” Will said sternly, “You’re lucky I’m going to let you stay in the
living room at all. You don’t ask people questions like that and you don’t say
anything about Da to anyone got it?”

“Yeah, fine whatever sorry Johnny,” Matt said hearing the nickname making me
visibly flinch. I hated that nickname the only one that ever used it Uncle Ben
especially when he was threatening or taunting me.

Will watched me body language. He knew it was a sore spot for me just like a
lot of things were. I didn’t want to show I was upset that I was triggered but
I knew he could read it on my face and everyone else knew I was too. Someone
pulled gently on my pant leg and I looked down. Laura had a plastic biscuit
that she was offering me.

“Nummbies?” She said in her sweet baby voice making me smile and bend down to
be at her level.

“Sure, I’ll take some nummbies, thank you Laura,” I answered smiling trying to
allow her cuteness to distract me.

“What’s for dinner Will?” I asked looking at him.

“Ask Alice she’s downstairs somewhere, I can call her on the com if you like
and see?” He answered.

“Who is Alice?” I asked confused forgetting that my Da had hired a nanny.

“The Nanny, she has Mary and Shame with her right now,” He answered, “I think
she’s feeding them and then she’ll come back up. She’s not a bad person just
not a good one either.”

“Not a bad person?” James said, “I think she’s weird she has this thing where
she wants me to be very clean after my bath. She says being clean is important
that I need to scrub everywhere even my butthole.”

“What?” Will and Mike looked at James shocked.

“Yeah I think it’s weird too. I mean I understand it’s important to be clean
but you guys don’t make me scrub there it just feels really weird especially
when she helped me,” James said shuddering, “I didn’t like it.”

“Well,” I said exchanging a look with Will who nodded in agreement at what he
thought I was about to say “Alice is no longer allowed to help you with bath
time Will or I will ok? No more Alice.”

“Ok cool because I thought that was super weird and I thought people weren’t
supposed to touch you there. It kind of scared me because I knew she wasn’t
going to hurt me like Da and Uncle Ben do sometimes or that one guy did that
made it really hurt but I still didn’t like it,” He said.

“Did you tell her that?” Will asked him.

“No, I didn’t want to get in trouble, you know what Da says when I tell him I
don’t like something that I’m not allowed to not like it because he’s my Da,”
James said.

“Bud,” Pat said, “You’re allowed to not like something no matter what it is or
who is doing it ok? There is nothing wrong with not liking something. I’m sure
both John and Will are glad you told us this just like I am.”

“Yes, yes, we are,” I said nodding my head in agreement.

This woman was from the brotherhood. She worked with them she had to be working
with them. I didn’t know that they had nannies who worked for them but to me it
sounded like she was working on making it seem normal.

The stuff they did and they had already brain washed Matt so badly he wasn’t
normal anymore so I was very concerned with how this woman might be affecting
the younger kids and couldn’t wait for mum to come home. At the time, I didn’t
know what it was called but a couple years later around like 18 or so I learned
it was called grooming. Making the kid feel like what you were doing was
because you loved them, that it was normal. Something my Da had already tried
very hard to convince me of that I used to believe up until I was around 11 or
12 when he started being really rough and starting insisting that I didn’t know
how I felt. Because for me for some reason that didn’t seem right.

That he would know how I felt better than I did but everyone is different and
some kids do fall into that line of thinking. Where they get so confused they
start to question their own thoughts and feelings disregarding them and
listening to their abuser instead, believing their abuser. The moment my Da
hooked me up with Tony was the moment it was confirmed to me that he didn’t
really love me at all and that he viewed me more like a toy. Or that if he did
love me it was because he loved what I could do for him, give him a hole to
fuck and not really for who I was as a person.

I felt sick to my stomach thinking about. Thinking about them brain washing my
little brothers and sisters. Thinking about the things they did to them. Before
I knew it, Pat was standing next to me his hand resting on my shoulder, “You
need to talk?” He asked me quietly and I nodded my head.

Will got up making sure his place in his book was marked, “You guys be nice to
each other ok? And Matt no video games until I say so,” He said gently setting
his book down and getting up, stretching slightly working the stiffness out of
his back and neck before he walked over to where we were standing before he
nodded at me following me and Pat down the hallway to my room where he shut the
door behind all of us.

“This is bad,” Will said before either Pat or I spoke, “This is really fucking
bad have you heard anything about mum because we need her home now? If he’s
sending people in telling them to clean themselves that thoroughly you know
he’s planning something bad he’s trying to train them. Mum needs to be home.”

“I haven’t heard anything about mum I could ask him tonight but he might not
tell me anything he’s kind of mad at me a little bit,” I answered feeling
sheepish.

“Why?” Will asked me.

“Earlier,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“You mean when you cut yourself?” Will asked shaking his head, “I told you it
was a bad idea.”

“Yeah? No shit Will haven’t you noticed the bruises on my neck?” I asked him.

“Yeah I wasn’t going to mention them though because I already figured they were
from him and I know you’d rather not talk about it so… I just didn’t say
anything,” Will answered, “What exactly did he do?”

“Choked me and told me if I ever did it again he’d make sure I wished I was the
only one cutting me,” I answered a shiver going down my spine. Pat saw my
distress and came up behind me wrapping his arms around my shoulders hugging me
tightly against him, pulling himself around me trying to make me feel safe. I
leaned into him allowing him to comfort me.

“Is that all he said?” Will asked me frowning like he didn’t believe me.

“More or less,” I answered no wanting to talk about it, “Look I’ll ask ok? I’ll
ask about mum because we do need her back I agree with you but I’m not sure
I’ll get a real answer. In fact, I think he’s waiting for an answer from me
about something.”

“What?” Pat asked from behind me.

“It’s nothing that’s worth discussing,” I said.

“Rabbit if you’re bringing it up it has to be. You obviously want to talk about
it so please? Please,” He said quietly and I sighed allowing myself to lean
even more of my weight against him as I felt my throat catch because I knew I
was going to start crying if I didn’t allow myself to depend on him to feel him
there.

“He said,” I started having to swallow the lump in my throat, “He said he would
keep Leo away from me if I backed off on protecting everyone else and did what
he wanted me to.”

“That’s up to you,” Will said, “I can make a different deal with him, I have a
body and he’s interested.”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “No I’m not letting that happen.”

“Well you can protect yourself or you can protect them which one will it be
because you know if you say no he will bring him back here and they will do
that again. You know it and I know it and Pat knows it and neither Pat nor I
want you to put yourself through that especially if it’s going to cause you to
carve yourself up like some thanksgiving turkey,” Will stated.

I could feel Pat’s amusement at the analogy Will had made but he tried to keep
it to himself, “He’s right John, we don’t want that for you. We love you. I
love you and I would rather you look after you then put yourself through that.”

“I can’t,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t no I won’t. I will not let him hurt
these kids Will you know I won’t.”

“At what cost?” Will said, “I’m here I can do this I can help let me help.”

“NO!” I shouted, “ I have spent more time protecting you than anyone else you
are my baby brother I am not letting you throw yourself to the wolves so I can
be spared some pain and they need you, that Nanny obviously is fucked up and
dangerous and between her and Da and Uncle Ben and Matty I need you here in
full force watching them, taking care of them because Mum isn’t here to help
got me?”

“Yeah, I got you but it’s still not a good idea,” Will said.

“I’m the oldest I’m in charge I’ll tell you what’s a good idea,” I said.

“Hey be nice,” Pat said bumping me with his hip from behind.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” I corrected myself.

“I understand we need to work together on this though John you’re going to kill
yourself you keep going like this, you need to let me help you,” Will insisted.

“You want to have to lay there while he…,” I couldn’t say the words.

“Well no honestly but you can’t take it all,” Will said, “You can’t you know
you can’t, I know you can’t, Pat knows you can’t ask anyone we all know that
you are going to break under this hell if you are cutting yourself you are
already breaking. How long before you start drinking again after being sober
for almost 8 months? How long before other things start to happen? I can’t lose
you I need you we need you.”

“You don’t get it, do you? I don’t have a choice here, I can’t let him do that
to you I can’t let him hold you down or make you lay there as he…,” I trailed
off again.

“As he what John? You have to be able to say it maybe if you could say it, it
would help you. As he rapes me? As he shoves his dick up my ass, as he blows me
and makes me cum? What?” Will said each sentence making me cringe.

“Will, you don’t need to be so blunt,” Pat said softly.

“Why because he can’t deal with it? That’s exactly what he means and that’s
exactly what would happen so why can’t he say it?” Will asked Pat looking at us
both his brown wrinkled his face hard.

“If it were you, maybe you couldn’t deal with it either,” Pat answered simply
as I felt my breath catching in my throat.

“It is me, I got it up the ass last night because they had hurt him so bad he
was passed out in the basement, you know how many times I had my dick sucked
last night? And I can talk about it I just want to know why he can’t?” Will
snorted.
“Everyone is different Will, he just can’t ok it makes him uncomfortable,” Pat
said making me feel like I wasn’t even in the room, “Can’t you just respect
that fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it? That it hurts him talking
about it hurts him almost as much as the fact that it’s actually happening?”

“Stop,” I barely whispered.

“It sucks, no pun intended it really fucking sucks it hurts ok it does I get
that trust me I understand that but if you don’t talk about it or write it down
in builds up inside it chokes you so slowly and completely that you can’t
think,” Will said.

“STOP!” I said loudly, “Just stop Will please God just stop it. I can’t do it I
can’t talk about it or write about it because if I do that means it’s real
don’t you get that? Don’t you understand that? If I don’t talk about it it’s
just in my head, it’s not real it’s not happening he’s not …he can be my Da
every once in a while, instead of whatever he is now. Is that so wrong that I
want to remember what he was once?”

“Not talking about it doesn’t make it not real John, you know that you’ve told
me time and time again you feel him on your skin all the time just about. How
does not talking about it make that better? And whoever he was to you once upon
a time he’s never been that to me. He’s always been and always will be what he
is now. You can remember who he once was but that’s a memory only you have. My
first memories of him are him sneaking into my bedroom at night when I was four
and touching me and telling me don’t tell mommy don’t tell John because they’ll
be mad at you. My first memories of him aren’t good and then I remember you
being 8 and me being six and hearing you scream and walking down those stairs
into that kitchen and seeing him on top of you on that…”

I zoned out my hands covering my ears as Pat grabbed me so I didn’t fall to the
ground my whole body going back to that moment, the smell of the counters he’d
just wiped up, the sprinkles on the floor. The taste of the vanilla on his lips
as he slid his tongue into my mouth. The pain as he flipped me over onto my
stomach and pressed into me the searing pain and heat ripping through my body
as he pushed into me that first time. I couldn’t focus I felt sick and I
couldn’t breathe my whole body panicking absolutely terrified. I don’t remember
moving or pushing them away but when I finally started to calm down I still
couldn’t speak. I was curled under my desk both of them peering out at me my
knees tucked up under my chin hard as they both sat on the floor looking at me
fear and panic in Pat’s eyes as he whispered to me.

“Rabbit, your safe right now, it’s ok, can you speak? How are you feeling?” He
coaxed trying to get an answer out of me.

Will sighed sadly, “I’m sorry I didn’t know he was going to do that. I didn’t
know talking about it was going to do that Pat I had no idea. It’s my fault he
hit you I’m sorry really I am.”

Pat turned to look at him “It’s fine he didn’t mean it and neither did you, you
have to understand some people don’t deal with things well and John is one
person who doesn’t deal with them well he deals with them by trying to shut
them out and talking about it doesn’t help him ok? You have to get that he
can’t talk about it not until he feels safe and right now he doesn’t feel very
safe I mean look at him does it look like he feels safe to you?”

“No,” Will said in agreement, “How do you make someone feel safe though when
it’s never safe?”

“You open your arms and offer them your hand, you offer them what hope you
can,” Pat said softly turning back to me, “Come on Rabbit, I’m right here it’s
me it’s Patrick, I won’t hurt you I promise, you’re in your room your safe
right now. I will do everything I can to keep you safe please John, please
Rabbit.”

“I can’t do this Pat, he’s right I can’t do this,” I finally managed to utter.

“Yes, you can Rabbit, you can do this, you’re all right, come here,” he said
holding his hand out to me still not getting up off the ground, “Please? You’re
scaring me please?”

I sighed unwrapping a shaky hand from around myself and reaching out to grab
his hand which he moved forward to get a better grip on and he kissed making
the spot feel warm, feel safe. I wanted to come out I did but I didn’t’ want to
hear what Will had to say anymore I didn’t want him to tell me what it looked
like from his side when I could feel it happening around me. I couldn’t deal
with the guilt of not being able to stop that from happening to him, to stop
him from having to see that.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly.

“Rabbit, you have nothing to be sorry about absolutely nothing ok? You’re all
right just come out here please, come talk to me,” Pat said trying to reassure
me.

“John, I’m sorry ok I didn’t mean to upset you,” Will said desperately, “Please
don’t hide under there I promise I won’t talk about it anymore ok?”

“Promise?” I asked timidly.

“Yes, I swear it to you I won’t say anything about it ever again,” Will said.

“Come on Rabbit, please?” Pat said pulling on my hand lightly.

I sighed unwinding myself letting go of my knees and curling down to duck back
under the desk surprised I didn’t remember the movement of getting under there
in the first place. Pat backed up holding his arms open for me offering me a
hug if I would allow it to happen. I sighed pulling myself into his lap between
his open legs curling myself there burying my head in his shoulder and shirt
taking in his smell allowing my heart beat to slow down, allowing myself to
feel safe.

“There you are,” He sighed kissing the top of my head, “It’s ok, you’re ok.” He
said his one hand rubbing up and down my spine through my shirt again like he
had done earlier the warmth from his fingertips spreading through my shirt and
into my back cell by cell branching out to reach the rest of my body that felt
so cold and so dangerous.

Just then the door opened and making me jump out of my skin so bad I startled
Pat making him jump as he held me tighter, “It’s ok it’s just James it’s all
right.”

“Is he ok?” James asked and I could hear the frown in his voice.

“Yeah Bud, John’s fine he just doesn’t feel too good right now,” Pat answered
calmly as Will stared at James.

“Alice said dinner is ready on the com,” He answered, “She said everyone was
supposed to come because Da wanted us all there so can someone answer her back?
I would but I’m too short to reach the button and Mike and Matt won’t do it.”

“I’ll let her know,” Will said standing up, “I really am sorry John.” He said
again before he left shutting the door behind him quietly leaving Pat and I
sitting there in the middle of my bedroom floor me still clinging to him like a
frightened toddler would cling to its mom. God, I missed my mum too so horribly
everything felt overwhelming.

I allowed myself to start crying again. Trying to cry silently instead of sob
out right so I didn’t scare any of the kids. I was scared. I didn’t want to go
downstairs where they were, I was beyond terrified of what would happen the
moment Da got us all in the same room around that table how he would treat me
in front of them. Whether he would touch me in front of them in ways he
shouldn’t.

“I know,” Pat whispered into the crown of my head, kissing it rubbing my back,
“I know.”

After my breathing, had evened out I pulled away looking at him and he smiled
sadly at me. I knew he could feel my pain almost as deeply as I felt it and
that this was hard from him. Me breaking down, watching me and not being able
to help me. This is what had made me hesitate in calling him, in asking for his
help. He looked at his watch and sighed, “What’s wrong?” I asked confused.

“I have to go do that thing this evening remember? It’s almost 7 I have to head
home so that I can shower and get ready. I love you. I’ll call later tonight
around 11 ok?” He said kissing me lightly on the lips before he stood up, “Try
and feel a little better I know it’s hard I know things aren’t going well but
please don’t hurt yourself try and focus on the good stuff ok Rabbit?” He said.

I got to my feet too hugging him tightly, God I didn’t want him to leave
because if he left it meant he was with McClairen and only bad things would
happen I didn’t want to be separated from him. I didn’t want to think about
what would happen to both of us once we were apart but I nodded my head letting
him go, “I’ll see you later.” I said quietly.

“Tomorrow,” Pat said smiling walked out.

I walked into the bathroom not able to look at my face but was smart enough to
know I probably looked like shit because I felt like shit. I sighed splashing
cold water on my face as I cleaned myself up and washed my hands. I waited for
the lift to come back up before I headed down.
***** 4 *****
Chapter Summary
     Dinner turns into an eventually occasion.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 64-75. I know it's a short chapter but a lot of stuff goes on
     warnings, RAPE/NON-CON, manipulation, forced brother/brother incest,
     forced blow job, rimming, forced uncle/nephew incest, physical
     violence, psychological abuse. My Beta will be editing this later so
     there will probably be a repost with corrections but I think I'm
     addicted to posting. Leave a comment.
When I got to the second floor I could hear the chatter from the dining room
from up the stairs and descended carefully knowing I was expected if he wasn’t
already pissed I was late and sighed as I poked my head around the threshold.

“There you are,” Da said smiling at me from the head of the table before he
stood up making me take a few steps back, “Say hi to Alice.”

I looked over at a woman who was stout and probably around the same age as my
Da. She had dark skin and dark hair and eyes and wore something on top of her
head that covered her hair. I didn’t really know what to think of her but
stared at her coldly as she smiled at me and waved picking up Mary and taking
her from the room. I didn’t have a problem with how she looked in fact I
thought she looked so normal it startled me she didn’t have any weird warts or
anything that would hint she was a sadistic person but here she was, the woman
who was slowly trying to groom my siblings to fit my father’s needs and the
needs of the brotherhood.

Da finally made his way to me, hugging me making me tense, “You look like shit
what happened?” He whispered into my ear kissing my ear lobe making me cringe.

“Nothing Da, just tired,” I answered simply moving to sit down.

My Da put his hand out in front of me as I tried to sit down, “No over here
baby,” He said loudly enough that everyone could hear making my cheeks burn
with embarrassment as he directed me to the seat right next to him on his
right. I sat down and looked at the food in front of me which was different
from the food everyone else had and he leaned in and whispered to me “It’s a
diet to help with the mess.” He said making my eyes go wide knowing what he was
referring to.

“Daddy?” Catty asked right on que, “Why is John eating something different?”

“Because John is helping me with something so I need him to eat something
different because it will help him feel nice and strong later when he helps
me,” Da answered smiling as he dug into his plate of food.

I had a bowl in front of me of some sort of soup. And just looking at it made
me feel sick to my stomach. It looked like a mix of snot and vomit someone had
spooned into a bowl for my consumption.

“Da I don’t think I’m hungry,” I said looking from him to my bowl of slop and
then back again.

“It’s good for you eat it,” He said sternly giving me a look that said not to
question him and just do it.

“Da can I please just no…” He cut me off.

“I told you to stop that, stop being disobedient or I will have to punish you
and you won’t like your punishment you got me baby?” He said looking at me
causing everyone else to look at me.

I could only just imagine the type of humiliation he would heap upon me if I
kept pissing him off since bruising my neck apparently was just the start of it
as well as showing the videos he made of me to everyone he knew including some
of my siblings. I sighed heavily and ate a spoonful of my vomit/snot stew and
it actually didn’t taste so bad but I had a hard time getting past the way it
looked. Four spoonful’s in when I was finally getting past the look of it I
felt my Da’s hand start sliding up my thigh causing me to go stiff and stop my
spoons path to my mouth. I couldn’t eat with him doing that to me, His hands on
me. I could scarcely breathe while he did that. His hand slowly creeped closer
and closer to my crotch making my eyes go wide as my whole body stayed stiff as
a statue.

“You ok baby?” He asked looking at me like he wasn’t feeling me up, like his
hand wasn’t inches from my crotch under the table where I was sitting with my
little brothers and sisters. He smiled at me daring me to speak, daring me to
tell him to stop, to beg him to stop.

I opened my mouth to speak his hand inching farther up stealing any words my
brain was trying to push out of my mouth and I closed it nodding my head
instead and picking up my spoon again even though my hand couldn’t hold it
steady.

“Good boy,” He said leaning forward in his chair so he was leaning closer to
me, “Sweet boy aren’t you baby?” He said starting to run his other hand through
my hair forgetting everyone else was there causing me to tense. I felt sick to
my stomach. I didn’t want this, he was doing this to get a rise out of me.

“Da,” Will said a warning tone in his voice, “You do realize there are plenty
of kids around you, right?”

“So?” Da said his Hand finally finding its way to where I really didn’t want it
to be making my eyes go so wide they were almost popping out of my head as he
started rubbing back and forth through the fabric of my pants, “You’re all my
kids we have a special relationship.”

“Usually isn’t that special relationship a private one?” Will asked shooting me
a worried glance as I tried to keep myself from freaking out.

“We can make it a little less private. You’re all ok with that aren’t you
kids?” He asked everyone winking.

“What do you mean special?” James asked as Catty frowned at him shaking her
head.

“You know when I touch you special? You know what I’m talking about Jimmy,” Da
said looking at him closely making James’ face flush and causing him look at
his plate quietly.

Matt giggled lightly causing Mikey to shoot him a dirty look, “It’s not funny,”
Mikey actually said out loud to everyone instead of to Matt silently like he
usually spoke to him.

“It is just a little bit,” Matt said smiling at me making the bile rise from my
stomach into my mouth.

I slammed my hand over my mouth and pushed up from the table before Da could
stop me running to the bathroom puking up what little soup I had actually
managed to get down. This was too much I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t take what
he was doing there making me do in front of them. I felt a panic attack coming
on because I knew when I went back out there his hand would go back to rubbing
to touching, to making my eyes go wide as I had to sit there silently and try
to keep it together. For their sake and for mine unless I wanted to deal with
Leo which I knew I couldn’t handle. I sighed rinsing my mouth out with water
and then splashing some on my face before washing my hands and going back out
into the dining room.

“Come here baby,” Da said standing up smiling at me.

I looked around the table at me and noticed that everyone besides my four
younger brothers was gone that everyone younger than James had been taken
upstairs.

“Don’t make me repeat myself Baby come here now,” He said his eyes flashing
angry sparks of hate at me. I knew better than to press, to try and talk my way
out of whatever this was. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew it
wasn’t good.
I took a few hesitant steps forward stopping midway to him forcing me to come
the rest of the way to me, “Now boys,” He said address my brothers as he
wrapped his hands around my waist pulling me tight against him, “You know I
have a special relationship with each of you but my relationship with John is
really special can you tell them what we do John?” He said looking at me and I
wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say until he buried his face in my neck and
whispered into my ear “Tell them I make you cum,” He muttered biting my ear
lobe making me shudder.

I pushed backwards throwing my shoulders back to try and break his grip on me
has he tightened his grip on me, “Do it, don’t make you repeat myself, turn
around and say it or you will not be happy.”

He gave me enough room to turn around to face them. I felt my face burning red
and couldn’t believe I was going to say it but I averted my gaze and took a
deep breath, “hhhemakesmecum,” I said all at once feeling my face glow even
brighter still not looking at them.

Matt laughed, “What?”

“Apparently, Matt didn’t understand you care to say it again baby,” He said
sliding his hand from my shoulder down the back of my pants a hand that I
wasn’t sure if my brothers could see it or not.

“He m-m-m-m-makes m-m-m-ee cum,” I said shakily but more understandable.

“Da stop it, you’re torturing him,” Will pleaded for me.

“No Will I’m not if I was I’d be pulling down his pants and sucking him off
right here in front of you,” Da said smiling at him, “You want to see me do
that? I have no problem with it.”

“I do,” Matt said he eyes lighting up as Da grabbed me hard by the back of the
neck so I couldn’t pull away from him.

Matt’s words hit me like a ton of bricks. There was something really wrong with
my little brother he knew I was in pain that I was scared and he wanted to see
Da cause me more pain. I gulped closing my eyes bringing my hands up to my
mouth as I started muttering prayers behind them because I didn’t think I could
do this and I needed a miracle to get me out of it.

Da smiled at Matt I couldn’t see it but I could feel it as he stepped around in
front of me pulling my hands away from my mouth and looking at me closely his
hand cupping me through my pants as his hands starting lifting the hem of my
shirt, “We can make this fun give them a show,” He said pulling my shirt up
over my head just as my Uncle Ben came in the threshold.

“You’re not going to party without me, are you?” He asked coming up behind Da
as he bit lightly into Da’s neck above his collar making Da laugh.

“Not me silly, him,” He said motioning to me.

“Fun,” Uncle Ben said moving around so he was behind me helping Da lift my
shirt off my body and over my head. I knew my breathing was heavy as Da bit
into my collar bone from the front and Uncle Ben started sucking on my shoulder
blade from behind.

“No,” I finally gasped shaking my head not able to take it anymore trying to
pull away from Da only to find myself trapped between the two, “No, please,
please no don’t, please,” I started begging as Uncle Ben started undoing the
draw string on my pants from behind and my little brothers watched.

“Please Da, please let me go,” I begged not able to stand still

“Shhh, it’s ok baby, I just want them to see how special you are,” He said as
Uncle Ben grabbed my wrist forcing them behind my back and holding them there
tightly. He got on his knees in front of me pulling my pants and boxers down
exposing me to my brothers as I struggled against my Uncles arms as he licked
the back of my neck my eyes going wide as my Da started licking my inner thighs
moving closer and closer to where he wanted his mouth to be until he grabbed it
licking the tip making me squeeze my eyes shut as I heard James squeal in fear
and Will and Mike gasps.

“DA STOP!” Will said as Da kept going and Uncle Ben held me laughing his
fingers bruising me.

“You see this boy?” Ben muttered, “You know why he’s moving like that? Why your
Da is so excited because it feels good, your brother is getting ready to cum so
hard for your Da just the way it should be because your brother is a good boy
aren’t you Johnny?” He mumbled kissing the back of my neck more as I started to
climax in front of my brothers my Da licking and kissing my penis so they could
see what was happening to my body as my muscles started to spasm my knees
buckling as I felt myself cum the only thing holding me up my uncle’s hands.
Dad licked my length and swallowed anything that was left on me before he
allowed uncle Ben to bend me over the table still holding me down and he
reached into his pocket and pulled something out with his free hand. He was
going to rape me. IT wasn’t enough that he had to force me to stand there while
I struggled to get away and he blew me he was going to let my uncle rape me.

“DA STOP IT!” Will said finally having enough looking at my three little
brothers, who were crying yes, even Matt was crying at that point because I was
crying and I probably looked like I was in pain. Will got up and went up to my
Uncle Kicking him in the shin and he just turned and looked at Will laughing as
Da grabbed him by the back of the neck and threw him down hard away from me.

“You want a turn when we’re done Will?” Da said to him from where he was
sprawled on the floor after attacking our Uncle, “I didn’t think so.” He said
as my uncle shoved a finger inside me making me scream as my Da came up beside
me running his hand through my hair, “It’s ok baby, I’ll make you feel really
good after we put the kids to bed I promise, god I’ll make you make those
sounds I love so fucking much.” He said licking my cheek and Uncle Ben added
another finger to the one already present.

“I’m fucking rock hard,” He said as Da held me down against the table by my
neck So that Uncle Ben could free his hands to undo his belt and put a condom
on.

“NO NO! I DON’T WANT TO STOP IT PLEASE PLEASE DA PLEASE DON’T LET HIM DON’T LET
H….” My words got cut off as he rubbed his erection in my crack spreading
something cold and sticky around that felt almost too watery to really give me
the lubrication I needed before he shoved it inside me hard making me scream as
my Da muffled the sound by pressing my lips to his.

I didn’t know what was happening with my brothers at that point. I had no idea
if they were watching. How scared they were or how disgusted they were as he
shoved himself as far into me as he could, over and over hurting me. Making my
eyes go wide and making my whole-body shiver.

He went until he released his load inside of me, going soft and then he buried
his tongue deep into my ass as far as he could get it to go. Making me bite the
inside of my cheek raw to keep from screaming. When he was done Da grabbed me
before I fell to the ground pulling me into his lap as I hid face as if he were
comforting me.

“Good boy, that’s my good boy,” He cooed, still dragging one of his hands
through my hair the other one tracing patterns on my lower back and hips, “God
I love you, you’re amazing.” He kept cooing as I clenched my eyes tight wishing
his hands would stop, wishing he would go away that I could be something else
anything else other than human other than who I was.

“You four can go,” He muttered to my brothers even though I could still feel
his eyes on me, “You ever tell you mum about this and you know those friends of
mine that come over to see John? I will pass you around to them for free and
then you’ll really know what pain feels like but if you’re good like John here
then you’ll never have to experience that you understand?”

“If we let you touch us like that you won’t let your friends do it?” James
asked confused.

“Exactly, if you’re one of my good boys Jimmy you won’t have to see my friends
again for a very long time. Ok?” He said and James nodded his head in
understanding wide eyed and fearful as Mike hiccupped in fear his tears started
to calm down.

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head trying is best to usher the other three out of
the room quickly, “We got it Da thanks.”

“Wait,” Uncle Ben said just as Will made it to the threshold of the room,
“Didn’t you promise your Da something?”

“Go on guys, I’ll see you upstairs,” Will said nodding the boys forward before
he turned around, “What are you talking about?”

“Oh,” Da said lifting his head smiling, “Will come here,” He said waving Will
over to us where I was still curled in the fetal position on the floor, “You
remember before you left you both said if I left Jimmy alone you would show me
how much fun the three of us could have together?” He reminded Will.

That was a promise I remembered making to him and one I was hoping I would
never have to fulfill. I sat up criss cross apple sauce hissing as the cold
floor hit my sore ass, feeling good but burning at the same time and shook my
head at Da, “No.” I barely muttered.

“So, you remember don’t you baby?” He said reaching out to touch my cheek
making me flinch.

“You want to make your brother feel better?” Da said looking at Will licking
his lips at the thought of us together doing things together that we didn’t
want to do.

“Da,” Will said quietly, “Don’t make us. Look at him he’s barely alive as it
is.”

“ So? Suck him back to life, Johnny you want to see me beat in your brother’s
nose?” Da asked looking at me.

“No,” I answered quietly not looking at Will. Not wanting to think about the
choice I was being given.

Will swallowed, “If I do this, will you let him sleep in his own bed tonight?”
he asked my Da quietly his gaze refusing to meet mine.

“Will,” I said shaking my head, “No.”

“I mean it John, I don’t care who does what to who at this point someone is
getting sucked so either you get to it or he does or I swear to god I will lock
you both down in the basement for a week until someone does it,” He hissed
looking at me.

I closed my eyes. I hated doing that, hated having that forced on me so there
was no way I could force it on my brother just thinking of putting my mouth on
him like that made me feel sick. I was tired my whole body in pain my heart
pounding and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it. Will walked up to me and then
sat down on the floor in front of me his eyes looking at mine before he leaned
forward making my Da laugh in the background as I leaned back pulling away
slightly. I didn’t want to do this.
“Come on, it’s ok,” Will said nodding his head placing a hand on my shoulder, a
hand that seemed too small, too innocent for this, “It’s ok John,” He
encouraged getting on his knees and leaning in kissing my cheek first and then
placing a gentle kiss on my lips making my eyes go wide and me shake my head.

I went to move backwards but felt bigger hands wrap around my forearms holding
them down as muscular thighs pressed into my still naked hips trapping me where
I was as I felt his breath on the back of my neck making me feel like I was
choking on my own air, “Just let him do it baby,” He whispered biting the back
of my neck lightly licking the skin there causing a shiver to go up and down my
spine and Will moved forward deepening the kiss trying to get me to let his
tongue into my mouth because he knew it was what Da wanted him to do. Will’s
hand went to my crotch grabbing my length manipulating it like a pro making my
stomach twist into knots.

I just kept thinking this was my brother this wasn’t right. This wasn’t fair I
couldn’t do this with him, I couldn’t do it yet I was. I was being held there
while he touched me while my Da threatened to hurt us both in order to get us
to do it. I hated myself.

I hated the fact that I wasn’t strong enough to break away from my Da to tell
him no and I felt like I never would be. My Da scooted back a little pulling me
by my upper arms forcing me to lay back as my Uncle came up behind Will
grabbing my ankles and unlocking them so my legs were open. He motioned for
Will to get on his stomach in-between my legs and he did. All I could hear was
the blood rushing around my head this weird buzzing of anxiety as I shook my
head vigorously because I knew what was going to happen, what was happening and
I knew I couldn’t stop it and that no matter how much I protested it was going
to happen. I snapped my eyes shut as I felt it his tongue teasing the tip
running across my opening making me squirm. I knew it was Will. I knew it was
him and the thought was making my throat close up. I didn’t want my brother
doing this to me. He was too young too innocent he didn’t deserve this.

“Keep going,” I heard my Uncle Ben mutter as Will stopped a minute and made a
sound that almost made me open my eyes but I didn’t. I managed to keep my eyes
shut keep myself unaware of what was going on for a while longer. Will’s
breathing became heavier coming in short gasps against the skin of my tip his
licking erratic with less of a rhythm.

“Da,” Will whimpered.

“It’s ok Will, you’re doing good just keep going make your brother feel good
you’re all right,” My Da whispered behind me.

I finally opened my eyes. That was a mistake. My Uncle had his face buried deep
in my brother’s ass as Will struggled to do what they were telling him to do
because his own body was overcome with sensations. His eyes open Wide in fear
his tiny hands still gripped around me trying to keep me stimulated as my
Uncles tongue hit his asshole over and over making his mouth and eyes go wide
like he didn’t know whether it felt good or he was beyond scared his breathing
rapid and shallow.

I could feel my whole body shaking, but my breathing was still pretty even. I
wasn’t anywhere close to climax and I was angry. Angry that they were making us
do this that we were on our dining room floor and they were making us do this
with them and to each other.

Da sighed slowly, “It’s ok pal I’ll help,” He said reaching around fisting my
cock in one of his hands starting to jack me off so that I would climax for my
little brother as he tried to do what he was being told to do.

An Electric shock went up my spine he was going to make me climax and fast, the
pace of his hand just right as he felt my breathing hitch, “That’s it baby let
your brother taste you, know how sweet you are,” He whispered into my ear
before biting my ear lobe. I started to climax on my brother’s face hating
myself for it. Hating the fact that this was even happening and that I had no
control over it. Will coughed as my cum covered his face getting in his eyes
and nose. The sight made me feel sick to my stomach but my Da stood up when it
was over, helping me up onto my feet grabbing me by the ass and forcing me to
wrap my legs around his waist as he kissed me heavily his tongue tickling the
roof of my mouth as he held me around the waist with one arm and held me
tightly by the back of the neck with the other giving me no choice but to grip
onto his shoulders as he pinned me between in the wall in his body.

“Good job kid,” My Uncle said as I managed to find him with my eyes He was on
top of Will he wasn’t making any sound who looked frozen as his hands balled
into fist and I knew what my uncle was doing to him.

The thought made me angry even more angry than my Da’s fingers digging at me at
my spine and at me I unwrapped my legs from around my Da’s waist but found he
was holding me up in such a way that my feet didn’t touch the ground. I grabbed
his biceps squeezing as hard as I could which caused him to break the kiss and
look at me, staring fire at me inches from my face.

“John baby,” My Da warned me, “Don’t start fighting back now or I will have to
start using restraints ok?” He said his hand curling around my left butt cheek
and his finger finding its way inside me making me tense squeeze his arms
harder.

I heard Will scream out in at the same moment as Uncle Ben moaned in ecstasy.
Me feeling helpless. He was hurting him and I knew he was hurting him. I did
the only thing I could think of to get away from my Da and get to Uncle Ben to
make him stop I kneed my Da in the balls making his hands drop me as I landed
on my feet running over to Uncle Ben and grabbing him around the neck to pull
him off of Will. He stopped what he was doing throwing himself backward and
body slamming hard into the ground I saw lights the air knocked out of my lungs
my head bashed against the floor sending a crack of pain through my skull and
down my spine the pain vibrating through my body as I laid there frozen trying
to figure out what had just happened, trying to fill my lungs with air trying
to breathe.

“You want to play instead Johnny?” Uncle Ben said above me staring down at me.
Things felt slow like they weren’t registering right for some reason. I could
hear the words and see him over top of me feel his hands on my wrist but I
couldn’t process what exactly he was getting at. However, he didn’t hit me
against the floor hard enough to make me pass out just hard enough to make
things feel like they were moving in slow motion. Before I knew what was
happening he had me laying on my stomach and my Da was in front of me and then
I felt the pain, the pain as my uncle shoved into me and my Da forced his dick
into my mouth. God, was I hurting and I couldn’t scream because I couldn’t
breathe. Then everything went dark fading away into nothing.
***** 5 *****
Chapter Summary
     Pat offers some comfort after a traumatic night. Will and John
     discuss the event and make their feelings about the incident known to
     each other.
Chapter Notes
     pages 75-89. Things are getting really interesting. If you want to
     leave a comment. I like comments.
I don’t remember passing out. I don’t really remember a lot of things after
that but I do remember waking up to Da’s mouth doing his favorite thing my own
moan waking me up my head beyond pounding. I went to go move to push him off
but found I couldn’t move my arms. Even though every cell in my body was
telling me not to I turned my head to look. We were down in the basement my
wrists chained there were chains connecting me to the headboard holding my
wrists taunt. He smiled up at me from my crotch.

“Told you I would restrain you," he said licking up my shaft to my balls making
me shiver.

“My head is killing me,” I managed to mumble.

“Well, you shouldn’t have tackled Ben, he doesn’t like being tackled at least
not that way," he muttered his tongue sliding back around the front as he
licked me like an ice cream cone. “You like that yeah?" he asked me as I jerked
making my chains rattle.
“I don’t feel good,” I muttered as he climbed on top of me pressing his pelvis
against mine and I knew he was going force himself inside me I moaned and
rolled my eyes. “Da I’m really tired.”

“It’s just because you hit your head baby, just let me please," he said pushing
my knees apart so he could lie between my legs, his fingers prodding and poking
slowly making me squirm my head still pounding, “Just relax, relax,” he cooed
as his slid one finger in teasing, bumping against my prostate making me gasps
in surprise, “That’s it baby, that’s it," he said sliding another finger in
making sure he took his time working me up slowly before he switched, sliding
his dick inside me easily making me gasps even though I tried to be silent.

He pushed up inside me as far as he could go and then rotated his pelvis
rolling his hips stealing my breath away. I didn’t want to like it but it send
a weird buzz through my body. I felt almost drunk. I bit my mouth closed trying
to keep him from realizing how good my body thought it felt but he must have
seen it in my face his eyes lighting up watching me.
 
“Da,” I begged him. I wanted him to stop, stop ripping my soul to pieces stop
making me hate myself and yet I knew he wouldn’t. I had to squeeze my eyes shut
to keep myself from crying as he kept rolling his hips only this time pulling
out just to press back into me his one hand holding tight to my calf his other
on my hip holding me to him so tightly it was like his dick was super glued
into me.

“That’s my good boy, that’s my baby," he moaned into my ear leaning forward
kissing my collarbone, my nipples another moan escaping my lips. “God I love
you,” he said rolling his hips again my whole body shuddering as I started to
reach climax.
“That’s it, god yes you’re so fucking beautiful, I’m going to cum so hard baby
god you feel so fucking amazing," he rasped, his nails digging into my hips as
he came hard my whole body shuddering as I orgasmed with him. When he was done
he rolled off of me and I went to move to roll off the bed only to be stopped
by my chains. I needed him to let me go, I needed him to uncuff me so I could
go scrub myself raw and scream but instead he hugged me to him putting his head
against my chest as I still laid there with my eyes closed trying to keep
myself from shaking.

“I love you baby," he said kissing me, touching me, his hands rubbing against
the bruises that were starting to pop up on my hips and along my arms and legs.
“I can’t believe you’re bruised so much you must have sensitive skin," he
mused. “You need to calm down I can see you breathing and your feel your heart
beating," he said probably looking up into my face. “Open your eyes beautiful.”

He reached up touching my cheek gently. I swallowed. I didn’t want him to see
me crying, I didn’t want to look at him because if I did I would scream and I
knew he would make me stay there longer. I didn’t know how long but he would
make sure I got punished somehow in a way that would stick with me if I opened
my eyes and he saw me crying and all I could think of was how badly I wanted to
be out of this room, away from him where I could breathe where I was allowed to
feel, to hate myself to hate him.

“Please baby, let me see your eyes, look at me," he whispered against my cheek.

I sighed and opened my eyes looking at him taking a deep breath before I closed
them again.
“You don’t need to be ashamed baby it’s ok that it felt good, it’s ok that you
wanted it you don’t have to be upset about it," he said laying tiny pecks that
trailed down my cheek and jaw bone. “If you didn’t fight so hard maybe you’d be
able to enjoy it even more. We could try different positions you know 69, fun
things," he mumbled into my collar bone before licking my nipple grabbing my
penis, manipulating it until I was hard again, rubbing, coaxing my body to do
what he wanted.

I tried to close my eyes again to keep it locked inside to not let him know
what he was doing to me but when I went to slam my eyes shut he got angry, “No
I want you to look at me while you cum,” he said grabbing the sides of my chin
with his free hand as he continued to jack me off.

I remember feeling numb my head still swimming, my body responding to his
touches just the way he wanted it to. I remember cuming making a sound between
a whimper and a sob as I did it. Him smiling at me warmly not taking his eyes
off my eyes making me feel sick and dirty.

“Good boy," he said kissing my forehead before he licked me clean.

I couldn’t take it anymore when he did that I started crying. At first I tried
to keep silent, I tried to stop myself from making a sound until he stopped and
whispered into my belly button asking me what was wrong.

“Just kill me,” I barely whispered.

He stopped what he was doing, meaning he must have heard me but he straddled me
looking at me closely while I avoided looking him in the eyes, “What did you
just say?”

“Just kill me, please just kill me,” I begged.

“Baby, I love you I don’t want to kill you, I just want you to love me the same
way. Does that make me a horrible person?" he asked.

“Just kill me,” I repeated again wanting to scream my whole body crawling his
hands still on me.

“Stop saying that or I will gag you, you give me a minute and I will unchain
you, do you want me to let you go or you want me to keep going until you can’t
stop yourself from screaming?" he hissed.

I instantly went quiet. I wanted him to let me go, to unchain me because I
couldn’t stand his side pressed against my hip or his hands on my rib cage
anymore. He leaned forward and I thought he was going to let me go but instead
he shoved his tongue back in my mouth his hands running up and down my forearms
at first and then my sides as he started licking down the center of my chest
going back to doing it again. He did it to me until I couldn’t scream anymore,
until I couldn’t feel my body anymore and I was shaking and sticky covered in
his spit and my own sweat.

“You know what you did yet?" he muttered licking the length of my shaft my
whole body already feeling that cold fire making me jump and shiver.

“Wha?” I barely managed barely able to do anything but lay there and have my
body flinch because it was so over stimulated.

“You know what you did to deserve this?" he said nipping at me lightly.

I shook my head forgetting he couldn’t see me then managed a sound. “Nuhuh.”

“What did you do today that was bad?" he muttered to me kissing his way back up
my torso

“Ben?” I managed to question.

“No Ben took care of that himself baby, what else?”

“Cut?” I barely mumbled.

“What about inviting someone over without asking me?" he said causing me to
snap my eyes open. “That’s right I ran into him leaving. When did I say you
could have friends over?" he questioned looking at me closely.

I swallowed my mouth dry from breathing so heavily through it. “M---m-mum l-l-
l-let mmme,” I stuttered.

“Well baby Mum’s gone and I don’t know when she’s coming back. You’re supposed
to be mine. You can have people over but you need ask before you invite them
over all right?" he muttered against my brand. “What did you do while he was
over?" he asked suddenly making me try to sit up my chains jiggling as they
knocked against the bed.

“Nothing,” I managed to answer.

He smiled at me.“Waking up? I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to, my body is
too awake," he said before his smile widened and he climbed on top of me.

“Da, Da please no I can’t, I’m sore please,” I said as he moved to push inside
of me, lining himself up with my body. He froze looking at me and then sighed
climbing off of me and laying down beside me.

“What did you do with him?" he asked me again, “Hank’s boy, he’s pretty.”

“Da we’re just friends,” I said lying slightly. “We just played video games
with the kids hung out, just like normal stuff.”

“You swear? Because I don’t want anyone touching you but me you understand," he
asked me.

“Yes, I swear Da I haven’t been with anyone like that that you haven’t…” I
swallowed averting my eyes. I hated being his whore. Having him tell people
they could do things to me even if I didn’t want them to. Me having to obey. Me
having to let them and have no choice in the matter. He smiled at me.

“What if I invite him and Leo over, Hank I mean?" he teased my eyes going wide,
“Relax, I won’t if you’re good like you were good tonight, accepting your
punishment. You came 10 times like my sweet boy,” he said kissing my cheek.
“But if you’re bad again well, they would have fun.”

“I’ll be good, I promise,” I whispered.

“Will you really? I’ll unhook you and then just…" he licked his top teeth
grabbing me gently. “One more time?”

I nodded my head slowly I didn’t want him to but if I said no I knew he
wouldn’t unhook me at all. I closed my eyes his hands touching me, my whole
body still just numb until I was balls deep in his mouth breathing heavy. I
didn’t realize he had unhooked my arms until I went to go touch my face and my
hand could actually reach trying to keep myself silent until I realized he was
really trying to make me make noise.

I hated my life. I hated everything about it but Pat. And now I was being told
I couldn’t see him. I might as well just give my Da what he wanted was my
thought so I allowed myself to start making noises for him. Allowed myself to
hate myself. When he was done he got up after laying a kiss on my brand and
told me I had been good that I could shower and meet him upstairs where we
could keep going.

I don’t remember what happened after that and I don’t know why but I know I
woke up in his bed with him, his hand draped across my stomach grabbing my hip
holding me there. I shoved him away and he woke up.

“Hi did you sleep good baby?" he asked me.

“I guess so,” I said getting up my whole body hurting causing me to hiss.

“Oh? So you are sore I was wondering if you would be you’ve never fucked like
that ever I thought you were usually amazing you were out of this world last
night, you were so loud your uncle asked us to keep it down after I told him he
couldn’t join," he said laughing laying back down. “ You need to let go like
that more often. You can have your friend over if you want.”

I looked over at the clock it was like 9 am. Pat said he would call me around 9
pm after everyone was in bed and Da wasn’t at work what was going on? I eyed
him curiously.

“Really?” I asked cautiously.

“Yeah you were a good boy for me, really really good," he said his eyes making
me hug myself. “ You can hang out with him no catch just wow…" he said.

“Ok,” I said quietly nodding my head.

“Come on baby don’t shy on me now," he said. “ I think I might have to tape us
tonight because that was mind blowing. Last time you did that you were drunk.”

“I don’t remember last night,” I answered honestly closing my eyes hoping he
wouldn’t be upset.

“Well like I said it was mind blowing," he answered me. “Just enjoy your day
but make sure you save some energy for me ok baby?”

I nodded my head. “I’m going to go shower if that’s ok.”

“Of course it’s ok. Did I finally get you how I want you? Knowing that you’re
mine?" he asked me smiling as I turned to walk away.

When I got in the shower I sat on the floor curling around myself. I felt
beyond sick beyond numb. When I was dressed I braced myself for having to deal
with Uncle Ben but instead of going upstairs I went downstairs and grabbed
clean clothes from the laundry room and then picked up the phone dialing his
number. I called once and Hank picked up so I hung up the phone my heart racing
waiting for me to calm down before I tired again. The phone rang three times
before someone picked up.

“Hello?”

“Cole?” I asked timidly.

“Oh hey, how are you?” Cole asked me quietly.

“Is Pat there?” I asked.

“Yeah, how are you doing? Pat’s been really worried you didn’t answer the phone
last night and Mike said you were busy neither you nor Will came to the phone.
Pat was going crazy he thought something really bad happened to you. It’s taken
me everything I have to keep him distracted enough he didn’t march to your
house when the sun came up, how are you seriously are you ok?” Cole said.

“Da…,” I started but couldn’t make myself say it, couldn’t get the words out,
“Can you just put him on the phone? Please?”

“No, can we come over?” Cole asked me. “If you aren’t going to talk to me on
the phone you’re going to talk to me in person.”

“I don’t know if you’re allowed to I’d have to ask but Pat can come over,” I
answered.

“Pat can but I can’t? What are you on about you have to…” Cole stopped thinking
about it carefully and then sighed. “It’s that bad? That you feel like you have
to ask him for anything?”
I nodded my head forgetting he couldn’t see me for a moment, “ Is he there?”

“No, he heard me talking on the phone with you and he’s probably on his way to
your house because he’s fucking freaking out," he said just as someone knocked
on the door in the kitchen behind me making me jump.

“Would he be here yet?” I asked not wanting to answer the door if there was a
chance it was someone else because I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone’s
hands on my skin other then his, the truth was I need him to hold me as I cried
as I lost it again like I had the day before. I needed him to tell me I was ok.
That I wasn’t gross or disgusting that there was nothing wrong with me because
all I could think was no one would ever want to be with me because of him.

“If he ran yeah,” Cole sighed. “Can I come over or not?”

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Ok I’m hanging up now, I’ll be over in a few," he said before the phone went
silent.

I walked over to the door as the person knocked again hoping to god that it was
Pat and not someone else. I held my breath as I opened the door and when I saw
him I nearly collapsed into his arms.

“Oh Rabbit,” Pat cooed, holding me tightly. “Oh Rabbit I was so worried you
didn’t answer my call what happened?”

“Dinner,” I answered quietly.

“What happened at dinner?" he asked me softly, “Come on let’s go outside ok? Go
sit by the pool?”

I nodded my head, taking him by the hand and walking with him quietly till we
got to the pool. By the time we got there I was ready to try and talk about it.
I sat down at the edge and he sat down with me watching me knowing he couldn’t
interrupt me or I would stop talking and shut down completely.

“Da happened at dinner, he put his hand on my leg and he kept, I couldn’t
breathe and then he sent Catty and everyone younger than her upstairs and he
him and Uncle Ben they…in front of my brothers,” I barely managed.

“Oh no,” Pat swallowed and shook his head, “Are they ok? Are you going to be
ok?”

“He made Will and I…,” I felt my face going red, “I—I—I di-didn’t want to i-i-
it j—j-jj-ust happened.”

Pat looked at me and then hugged my tightly, “He didn’t let you go after dinner
did he? That’s why you couldn’t call me because he didn’t let you go right?”

I nodded my head allowing him to hold me tightly, his hand traveling my back my
skin finally starting to feel like mine again. Before I could stop myself I was
on top of him and he was letting me be on top of him my hands finding their way
under his shirt against his rib cage counting his ribs with my fingers, and he
was sighing into me his neck under my lips as he grabbed my right hand kissing
it, his moans making me feel better, making me feel alive, desired. After a
minute I managed to pull myself away stop myself feeling guilty.

“Sorry I know you don’t want to…,” I sighed feeling ashamed, “Sorry.”

“Oh Rabbit you have no idea how much I do want to that’s apart of the problem
though isn’t it? You shouldn’t anyway not right now because of…certain things.
You’re not dealing with it by letting me…well I know a lot of us deal with it
that way but it’s not the right way to deal with it so…," he mumbled kissing me
on the lips.

“You don’t think I’m gross?” I asked. Thinking about my da the way he had made
me feel the things he had made me do that he always made me do. The things he
let his friends do.

“Never, Rabbit you are not anywhere near gross. I want to touch you I want to
be with you I just can’t. If I could be with you trust me I would be all over
you but I’m contracted ok? If he even smells anyone on me and he tells my dad
I’m a dead man walking, we really shouldn’t even be touching.” He said.

“Yeah,” I said thinking he was just making excuses, “ok.”

“Wait," he said looking at me raising his eyebrows, “You don’t believe me do
you?”

“I didn’t say that,” I said shaking my head, “I just agreed with you.”

“I see it in your face Rabbit," he said touching my cheek, “It’s not anything
to do with you. I do want you I really do I just can’t because you know it’s
dangerous getting caught, I’d rather live in a world where you are then live in
one where you never existed or one where you no longer are ok? We can’t ever
get caught.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head and then he leaned forward his lips meeting mine
again. He felt good, warm his tongue in my mouth his hands under my shirt on my
skin. I moved to roll so I could be dominant and then…we rolled right into the
pool the water going up my nose.

“Holy fuck!” Pat swore looking at me as he broke the surface coughing splashing
me in the face.

“Sorry,” I said.

“Decided to get a little wet and wild?” I heard and Pat looked up smiling

“Cole don’t be an asshole," he said laughing.

“I could see you two making out pretty damn good from a bit of a ways back so
I’d be more careful if I were you two," he said folding his arms and leaning
against the fence smiling at me.

Pat jumped up out of the water grabbing a hold of my shoulders as if he was
going to shove me down but he stopped, and Cole’s eyes gave us a look?

“What?” I asked confused turning around to face Pat.

“Nothing Rabbit it’s nothing, it’s just that..,” Pat was cut off by Cole.

“You’re wearing a white shirt, every bruise and scratch is very visible now
that it’s wet,” Cole finished trying to sound like it wasn’t a big deal.

I felt my smile disappear, “Oh,” I said quietly.

I knew what I looked like under my clothes, the hickies that covered my body
from head to toe the scratches that ran the length of my back and that my hips
wore like a belt I wasn’t stupid I knew what they had done to my body. I felt
my face flushing with embarrassment knowing both Pat and Cole had seen but
especially Cole because it wasn’t often that Cole saw me in a state of undress
unless it was at a party or a get together of some kind.

“John you don’t need to be upset I mean look,” Cole sighed pulling up his shirt
averting his eyes from me like he too was embarrassed about the state of his
body.

“That’s from him isn’t it?” I asked him.

“ Your dad? Yeah while you were gone I was kind of…it doesn’t matter,” Cole
said quietly pulling his shirt back down.

“I’m sorry about him, them, that,” I said stumbling over the words.

“It’s not your fault,” Cole said running a hand through his blond hair looking
at me closely, “We should find you another shirt that’s showing a little less.
You know they have a thing about seeing their handy work.”

“Yeah he’s right Rabbit,” Pat said, “ It’s better for all of us to stay mostly
covered and that white shirt isn’t helping you not draw attention.”

“Pat’s letting you know he’s hot for your body,” Cole said shaking his head
smiling.

I turned noting the blush in Pat’s face. He didn’t want to say it but Cole was
right he was thinking hard about the things he wanted to do with me, to me I
could see it written on the half-opened mouth expression on his face. The
thought made my neck feel warm knowing that he hadn’t been lying earlier that
he was actually attracted to me and not in away where he wanted to throw me
down and just do whatever he wanted to me but in away where he wanted my
consent, where he respected my feelings.

Cole cleared his throat, “I think you two can quit staring at each other and
just get out of pool so we can find John a real shirt.”

“Yeah, come on Rabbit,” Pat said pulling me over to the side of the pool where
Cole offered me a hand pulling me out without having to use the ladder, pulling
me forward. The water came off me like rain off of a roof in a steady stream
from my shirt and jeans as Cole reached and grabbed Pat’s hand pulling him out
too.

The kitchen door opened causing as all to look back. Uncle Ben was standing
there and I noticed Cole’s body language change as Pat stepped forward pushing
both of us back behind him with his arms almost like he was trying to protect
us, trying to keep some space between us even though there was a still a good
deal of distance there. I felt Cole shiver beside me his eyes looking far off
in the distance past the roof to the garage. Uncle Ben and Da had really done
serious damage to him. He wasn’t nearly as carefree has he had been before we
ran. He was quieter, seemed more timid and less sure of himself then he used to
be. They must have done some very bad things to him while we were gone was all
I could think looking at him.

Uncle Ben closed the distance only coming as far as the fence that surrounded
the pool stopping at the gate looking at us as we sized him up and he did the
same, “Hey kids," he said eyeing us closely.

“Hi,” Pat said his voice sounding stable, strong as he looked at Ben closely
sizing him up, trying to figure out his intent.

“Having fun?” Ben asked his eyes going from Pat to I taking in our dripping
clothes my t-shirt that was wet and see through still and Cole still bone dry.

“We fell in,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “We’re going inside to find
something dry now.”

“Are you sure you’re not going inside to get wetter?" he asked his eyes darting
to Cole smiling.

“Yeah, pretty sure we’re going for dry,” Pat answered, “You coming out here to
swim.”

“Enjoying a show, Can I talk to you alone for a second Johnny?" he asked
looking at me licking his lips. Making me take a step or two back.

“No you can’t,” Pat answered for me.

“Oh protective? Playing the boyfriend? Aren’t you being kept Paddy?" he asked
smiling.

“Not boyfriend just friend don’t think we aren’t aware of what you guys are
doing to him right now,” Pat said shaking his head.

“We’re not doing anything to him he doesn’t want. You should have heard him
last night he was so loud he woke me up out of a deep sleep and I popped my
head in that bedroom door, his Da had Johnny’s legs on his shoulders and he was
riding him nice and hard his dick just soaked with precum. It took everything I
had not to get on that bed and suck his cock as he let daddy ride him and he
screamed in pleasure because he wanted it that much,” Ben teased making me feel
like I couldn’t breathe.

I knew I was shaking, I could feel it, I knew he did it on purpose to upset me,
to startle me and make me embarrassed in front of them. I didn’t want to be
standing here next to them while he said all of this stuff. I didn’t realize it
but Cole had grabbed me, probably to steady me because I was shaking so badly.

“Just breathe man ok? Just breathe," he was muttering as Pat and Ben stood only
inches away from each other having a stare off. Pat’s head barely coming up to
under Ben’s nose.

“You need to fucking give him some space,” Pat hissed at my uncle.

“I don’t need to do anything you need to respect your betters,” Ben said
smiling but the smile not reaching his eyes.

“Man I am so fucking tired of you!” Pat said through clenched teeth, “I am so
tired of the way you think he’s your fucking plaything what is wrong with you?
Why do you have to be such a fucking freak? Why can’t you just leave him
alone?”

“Woah, Pat,” Cole said still holding onto me still holding me up, “You need to
calm down you aren’t going to help things here.”

“Better listen to your friend there Paddy,” My Uncle smirked, “Unless of course
you don’t mind the fact that I’m going to tell Connor somethings that will get
me buried balls deep in the that sweet ass.”

That cold ice started filling my veins making me feel like shit. I closed my
eyes trying to block out the feeling of his hands on my skin and Cole rubbed my
shoulders, “No focus on me, focus on me John, come on he’s not here he didn’t
say that you have to stay with me here ok?” Cole urged me trying to keep me
from freaking out.

“You motherfucker,” Pat swore looking at him as Ben pushed him out of the way
to get to Cole and I, Cole not letting go of my shoulders but moving backwards
fast away from him. I closed my eyes and held my breath as I felt Cole’s
footing go knowing I was about to land back in the pool and sure enough. There
I was back in the pool. Cole swam to the other side of the pool climbing out
that side and using that gate to escape the water still pouring from his
clothes. Ben dived in the pool before I had time to react, pushing me hard up
against the wall sending a tingle through my back as my spine impacted with the
side of the pool making everything feel slow again. He grabbed me roughly by
the throat but didn’t squeeze before he shoved his tongue in my mouth tasting
of booze and chips.

I sputtered and coughed his kiss forcing the chlorine water in my mouth down my
throat as his other hand found it’s way down the back of my jeans which were
already starting to fall off me the weight of the water and gravity pulling
them down. I didn’t want this I didn’t want his hands on me, rubbing against my
skin making my whole body crawl and feel sick. I wanted this to stop I wanted
him away from me. I grabbed his hand that was latched around my throat and went
to dig my nails into the back of it before he smiled at me coldly, “You could
do that but I could just drown you for it, I”d think very carefully if I were
you before I did anything.”

I froze. Thinking about it carefully Scanning the area for Pat, for anyone that
would make me feel calmer as I let him do whatever it was he wanted to me. I
couldn’t see him anywhere.

“Hey,” I heard Pat say above my head and Ben loosened his grip on my neck,
“Yeah you like what you see?” Pat coaxed him, “Come get it.”

“I see," he said pulling me away from the wall of the pool out towards the
center his hands working to push my legs loose of my jeans, “What if I want him
more?" he asked Pat his hands pushing my underwear off my body so that I was
naked from the waist down the cold water feeling even more invading against my
skin with no barriers to keep it out his hand on my left ass cheek his fingers
teasing in away I didn’t want them to be making me feel sick to my stomach.

“Leave him alone,” Pat said jumping in the pool naked.

“Yes Ben leave him alone you don’t have permission I told him he could have his
friends over, now let them have their time,” Da said behind me making me close
my eyes thinking of what the scene looked like Pat naked in the pool in front
of Da my bottom obviously exposed my uncle holding me tightly against his side
one of his fingers nearly half way up my ass.

Ben sighed looking at me, “Later," he said letting me go suddenly getting up
out of the pool and walking away.

“You Paddy, put some clothes on before I tell your dad you’re a pervert and
you, just find your pants. I’ll see you for lunch all right?” Da said shaking
his head and walking away.

I was shivering the water cold against my skin as Pat turned looking for anyone
that might be lingering not too far away before he came to me wrapping his arms
around me and kissing my cheek, “You ok Rabbit?”

“That was close, he was going to…,” I trailed off as he hushed me kissing my
lips lightly at first and then for longer, deeper until I let his tongue slide
past my lips my whole body relaxing into his as he wrapped his arms around the
small of my back.

After a minute he broke the kiss pulling back looking at me he sighed, brushing
some wet hair out of my face making me smile slightly. I loved him. I really
did I loved him and I wanted to be with him. I felt safe with him. “You’re
safe.” He muttered into my neck his hands still on my back as I wrapped my legs
around his waist and his eyes went wide.

“What?” I asked.

“Well you don’t have any pockets so I’d say you’re probably happy to see me,"
he teased.

“Well yes, I am,” I said nodding my head blushing slightly at the mention,
“It’s not my fault you’re naked.”

“That is very true," he said slowly spinning us in a circle the water lapping
at us gently, “ I wish I could take you away from this.” He whispered into my
neck smiling sadly.

I nodded my head. Just the thought that he loved me that much making my heart
ache, “ I know babe,” I answered his hands counting my ribs with his fingers as
he leaned us against the pool wall grinding against me his hardness against my
leg as mine was against his sending sparks up my spine every time his leg
moved, “I thought we weren’t going to…” I trailed off as he bumped his knee
against me making my mouth go wide.

“It’s just knees," he muttered biting my lip lightly, “And we’re in water. No
hands," he did it again, “Not really breaking any rules you think?”

“Oh god,” I muttered as he bumped against me his hands going lower to my ass
making my heart flutter, “You sure?” I asked burying my head in his neck
kissing.

We kept going. The friction and the water doing most of the work for us until
we both reached our desired goal gasping and laughing me holding onto him my
legs still wrapped around his waist as he held onto the side of the pool both
of us catching our breaths before we heard someone clear their throat causing
us both to freeze dead.

“I don’t know what you guys are doing out here but you and I need to talk,”
Will said avoiding looking at me setting two towels down by the side of the
pool. I pulled my shirt off figuring it wasn’t doing me any good he already
knew what I wasn’t wearing and got up wrapping a towel around my waist as I
helped Pat out and he did the same.

“You really want to talk about it?” I asked him looking at him closely.

“Kind of yeah," he said.

“Talk about what? Pat asked me confused for a second and then his face dawned
an expression of understanding, “Oh! Do you want me to go inside?" he asked me.

“You told him?!” Will asked a look of horror on his face.

“Hey, he didn’t give me any details and don’t act like it doesn’t happen ok?
You know many times Cole and I have been unfortunately close?” Pat said wording
it carefully.

“Really? Will said, “You’re going to compare that to what they made us do?”

“Well, I don’t know what they made you do exactly because I wasn’t there and
like I said Rabbit didn’t offer any details because you know he doesn’t really
talk about that stuff,” Pat said looking at me.

I felt like someone had take a cement truck and poured the cement down my
throat and into my stomach. I didn’t know what to do and I had never gone from
slightly still turned on to completely and utterly horrified. I didn’t want to
talk about this with my brother and my boyfriend especially because it had just
hit me how I had basically dry humped my boyfriend when last night my brother
had blown me before I had sex with my da.

“Come on let’s go find clothes first,” Pat said as I nodded my head numbly and
he grabbed my hand. We went into the house and to the laundry room where we
both ended up putting on my clothes. I handed him a pair of gray PJ pants and a
yellow tshirt while I grabbed a pair of jeans and a blue t-shirt and then we
went out into the kitchen where Will was sitting waiting. He cleared his throat
looking at the two of us and Pat smiled squeezing my hand, “You going to be all
right?" he asked me.

I nodded my head reluctantly. Talking about it wouldn’t help me but I knew
talking about it would help Will so I was going to try my best to suck it up
and listen to what he had to say about it. How he felt about it, I knew it was
how he processed things and that this because it happened with me he needed me
in order to help process it. I sighed sitting down and looking at him waiting
for him to start saying what he felt he needed to say.

“Well,” Will looked at me and then Pat, “I want to start with I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” I said nodding my head, “You don’t hate me?”

“No,” Will shook his head at me, “It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your
fault John I know that. I know you didn’t exactly want to do that especially
since you’ve been trying your hardest to protect me from it my whole life. Are
you going to hate me for it?”
I shook my head in response, “You know I didn’t mean for that to happen right,
the…well that it just happened because he was…”

“Basically jacking you off in my face? Yeah I’m well aware your body had a
normal response that’s how it usually happens. What I don’t understand however
is why on earth you threw yourself at Uncle Ben he could have really hurt you.”
Will said.

“You were screaming I did the only thing I could think of,” I said shrugging my
shoulders.

“Well did you really want to be spit roasted in a front of me? Because I
certainly didn’t enjoy seeing it happen.” Will said and I felt my face
instantly going red because he had said it so bluntly and reminded me of what
had happened.

“Will!” Pat hissed looking at my face, “Really? You have to talk like that
about it really?”

“Sorry Pat but how else am I supposed to put it? Da shoved his dick down John’s
throat while Ben shoved his up his business end that is what they call it isn’t
it? Spit roasting,” Will said.

“You’re going to give him a panic attack talking about it like that,” Pat said
shaking his head.

“No, I’m ok,” I said even though I could feel my body shaking as I tried to
force the memory away running a hand through my hair, “I would rather it be me
than you.”

“You have any idea how much crap Ben has put me through what he was doing to me
there was nothing compared to what he has done in the past, I was ok it’s just
he, hit something the wrong way so I kind of screamed ok?” Will said not able
to look me in the face as he said it.

“ How are they doing?” I asked looking at Will referring to my other brothers
who hadn’t seen what had happened to Will but had watch Da blow me and then my
uncle pound me into the dining room table.

“Scared,” Will answered, “James doesn’t understand why Da would do that
especially in front of us and why he would let Uncle Ben hurt you like that.
Matt is just confused apparently because he doesn’t quite get why Da would let
Ben do that in front of Da to you and Mike has just gone silent he hasn’t said
a word, hasn’t asked any questions hasn’t talked to anyone and I’m not sure if
it’s because he’s traumatized or what but he’s just not speaking.”

“Can you tell me what happened?” Pat asked directing the question at Will and
not at me because he knew I wouldn’t tell him that. He knew it was too close
that it was too painful for me to talk about but that obviously it was a pretty
big deal whatever had happened because all of my little brothers had seen it.

“Uncle Ben held him still while Da gave him a blow job,” Will said, “And then
he let Uncle Ben rape him on the dining room table in front of us.”

“That’s not normal for even brotherhood members by any means,” Pat said,
“That’s just psychological torture.”

“I can’t pretend to know why he did it,” Will commented, “He just did.”

“I’m not sure I know how to talk to them about it,” I said addressing my own
feelings about what had happened, “I should have fought harder. Said something,
did something I don’t know.”

“What do you mean John?” Will asked frowning at me confused, “You screamed No
at them you told them not to you tried to get away, you did I was there I saw
it and anyone that was there would have to be an idiot to think you didn’t try
your hardest to make sure it didn’t happen. You threw yourself at Uncle Ben
knowing very well you were probably going to get hurt but you did it anyway for
me. How on earth could you have fought harder?”

“Da when he made you…,” I trailed off I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“You heard what he said, he was going to lock us downstairs until we relented
and did it anyway I just took out that part of the equation so we could move on
with our lives. I wasn’t even that good at it he had to Jack you off for you to
actually orgasm,” Will answered.

“Only because you were getting…” I trailed off again.

“What my ass eaten? Yeah that was kind of distracting,” Will said shaking his
head, “If Da wouldn’t have done that though you wouldn’t have given them what
they wanted though I’m sure of it. I’m not stupid I knew you didn’t want me to
do that just like I know you are very aware I didn’t want to. I don’t blame you
John I really don’t none of this was your fault.”

“ should have fought harder,” I said again shaking my head as Pat put a hand on
my shoulder trying to comfort me.

“Rabbit," he sighed looking at me closely, “You’re 13 you’re not strong enough
to fight off two grown men ok? Give yourself a break. Be nice to yourself you
tried your hardest all right? Please be nice to my Rabbit ok?" he said hugging
me allowing me to wrap my arms around his back and bury my head in his chest
trying to hide the fact from Will that I was getting ready to cry that I felt
like complete and utter shit because I hadn’t been able to stop them from
exposing my younger siblings to that. To me.

Will sighed heavily almost like he was somewhere between frustrated and
defeated. I knew it was hard from him, Will. Taking care of them and worrying
about me, not letting him take care of me while he had to sit there and watch
my brain slowly rot from all the pain that Da was causing me, he put his hand
on my shoulder, “John none of this is your fault," he said rubbing my shoulder
lightly as Pat held me trying to comfort me.

“Sometimes I think it is,” I mumbled into Pat’s chest holding onto him tightly
as he held me tightly.

“Why?” Will whispered quietly.

“If I wasn’t me then maybe Uncle Ben never would have done what he did and Da
never would have thought it was a good idea to do it too,” I said stating that
fear to one of my family members for the first time.

That I was afraid my life was because of me. That if I hadn’t been so handsome
or beautiful or whatever the fuck people wanted to call it, that if I hadn’t
been so nice and so sweet as a baby that maybe Uncle Ben would have never
shoved his Dick down my throat never even thought of it. That if he hadn’t of
done that Da would have never started climbing into my bed at night, never
started hurting me and in turn never would have hurt anyone else. Saying it out
loud was almost too much for me to handle and if Pat hadn’t been holding me
tightly I would have gone for the first sharp object I could find and sliced my
skin open peeling it back to get to the veins and muscle underneath and then
ripped them apart.

“Their sick Rabbit,” Pat said quietly, “It has nothing to do with who you are,
their sick and you were just a little boy that wanted people to love him. They
saw that and they took advantage they would have done that to any little boy.”
He ran his fingers through my hair trying to sooth me as Will still rubbed my
back.

“He’s right you know?” Will agreed with Pat, “It doesn’t matter what you look
like, who you were they still would have done it because they wanted to. You
didn’t make them do anything they didn’t already want to do or weren’t already
thinking about.”

“Where is Cole?” Pat asked as it dawned on him Cole wasn’t around but was
supposed to be over at my house.

“Upstairs,” Will answered before Pat and I could start freaking out, “I left
him up there with the kids and Alice because I’d rather they weren’t alone with
her. Who knows what bullshit she’d fill their heads with. I’m convinced she’s a
freak.”

“ If your da hired her she probably is,” Pat said, “You ready to go upstairs
Rabbit?" he whispered in my ear kissing my cheek lightly.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I said shaking my head
trying to shake the memory out of my brain, the memory of what they did last
night. Why my little brothers were probably so traumatized.

“Ok well, Will and I will talk to them about it if they have to you don’t need
to talk about it ok?” Pat tried to reassure me.

“Matt’s going to want to talk about it with me and I don’t think I can handle
that,” I said standing up on my own too feet and pinching the bridge of my nose
thinking about how hard of a conversation that would be him staring at me with
that look asking those questions that cold smile in his eyes even if it wasn’t
on his lips.

“I’ll deal with Matt ok,” Will said clapping me on the shoulder and giving it a
gentle squeeze before we started moving towards the second floor.
***** 6 *****
Chapter Summary
     John and Will get dragged downstairs where bad things happen along
     with Pat and Cole. Anger and frustration come to a sudden boil while
     being stuck in confined courters. Da confronts John and Patrick about
     how he suspects they might have a relationship forming and gives them
     a warning that he's watching them. John is so close to breaking and
     Will is stressed.
Chapter Notes
     Page 90 to 108: warnings, Mental health issues, Emotional abuse,
     physical abuse, bullying, sexual harassment, fighting, delinquent
     behavior, Rape/non-con, bondage, forced consumption of bodily fluids,
     blind folding, sensory deprivation rape, injury, threats, gang rape,
     all underage
Just as we got to the stairs the back door opened and I turned to look at who
it was before Pat could stop me. It was Leo and Hank. I felt like the floor had
been pulled out from under me as both Will and Pat grabbed me in order to keep
me from falling down the stairs.

They both looked at us that look in their eyes that told me what they wanted.
What they were excepting, why they had come.

“God he’s changed,” Hank said raising his eyebrows slightly at me.

“Dad why are you here?” Pat hissed as Will tried to pull me up the stairs and
Pat shoved us behind him so we could keep ascending.

“I got a call inviting me and today is my day off so here I am,” he answered
Pat not taking his eyes off me, “I bet you’ve gained some inches in more than
one place,” He said addressing me making my cheeks burn with heat.

“He has,” Leo answered him both of them giving me the same look.

“You have play time with him too?” He asked Leo.

“Yes, we do don’t we sweetheart?” He said his eyes turning back to me.

“John come on, you don’t have to stand here and listen to this, we can go
upstairs we’re ok, come on,” Will said pulling at my arm trying to coax me up
the last couple of steps. But I felt frozen. I couldn’t move it was like
someone had super glued me to the spot. I didn’t want to hear what they had to
say about me but I felt like I couldn’t move because I knew what they were
thinking that me just moving even a tiny bit would stir them, like prey trying
to run from a pack of wolves.

Pat stepped in front of me blocking their view, “I’m talking to you Dad look at
me don’t look at him,” Pat said, “Why are you here you shouldn’t be here.”

“Connor told me I could be so here I am,” Hank said again shrugging his
shoulders.

“This one is yours?” Leo asked looking at Hank.

“Yep this is my kid Paddy,” He said nodding his head.

“Nice job,” Leo commented, “I mean he’s not as beautiful as John sure but he’s
still got some nice assets.”

“Oh, yeah that’s what everyone says wait until you see him without clothes,”
Hank commented shooting Leo a sideways glance.

I couldn’t see his face but I saw the back of Pat’s neck turn a shade of bright
pink, “I can hear you you know?” I heard him stutter the way his voice was
unsteady making me angry. No one got to make him feel that way. No one was
allowed to scare him. No one was allowed to make him feel like he didn’t have
control I wouldn’t let them. I reached up and grabbed his shoulder careful to
watch our interactions make sure they didn’t look romantic.

“Come on Pat,” I said quietly, “Let’s just go upstairs that way we don’t have
to hear them ok?”

Pat swallowed and turned his head to look at me, “Ok I’m not taking my eyes off
of them though they are giving me the creeps.” He said quietly as we all
started walking up the stairs both Pat and I backwards in order to keep an eye
on them make sure they weren’t following us.

We got the elevator and only once we were inside did we start to breathe again,
start to relax a little bit at least for the moment. All three of us visibly
shaking. I felt uneasy just because I had never heard anyone talk about Pat
that way like he was a thing instead of a person where I was used to hearing
them make comments like that about me all the time but to hear them do it about
him, in front of him really unnerved me.

We got off on the fourth floor and as Pat moved to step I noticed his legs
falter so I grabbed him quickly before he fell, “You ok babe?” I asked him his
whole-body trembling.

“Yeah, I’ll be all right it’s just been a little while since… never mind I’m
fine don’t worry about me. Are you ok?” He asked me wrapping his arm around my
shoulder pulling me close into his side.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m all right,” I said, “Will?” I asked the same question without
using all the words.

“Yeah pissed but fine. I can’t fucking believe him when is he ever going to let
up?” Will muttered shaking his head.

“What do you mean?” I asked confused, not understanding, “It’s not you they are
here for.”

“No, it’s not but that doesn’t make it any easier because I know why they are
here John. You think it’s easy for me watching you completely lose it because
you can’t catch a break? After last night I’m surprised you’re not just a ball
of raw nerves tucked in a corner somewhere you think it’s easy watching you
freak out? I understand why you are, I get completely but it’s not easy for me.
It’s not easy having to explain to everyone why they have to leave you alone
because they want to be with, they want to spend time with you because you’re
our big brother and we love you,” Will said suddenly looking at me this lost
and hurt look in his eyes.

“Even Matty because if he wants to spend any time with me it’s to make me
squirm,” I answered.

“Yeah well Matty is sick I didn’t understand how sick but you realize he took
nearly as man vitamins as you did when we were in Montana. Mum told me he was
sick like you were sick but he’s not you know how you took antidepressants I’m
pretty sure Matty wasn’t taking anti-depressants he was taking anti-psychotics.
You know what that means? That means his brain doesn’t work the way our brains
work that there is something wrong with him that he was born with. I didn’t
realize that at first ok? I didn’t realize that until I looked up the name of
one of the medications he was taking because guess what since we got back no
one has been on their medication which is probably why your anxiety attacks
have increased and you seem to be in a funk at least partly ok? I will deal
with Matty just know Matty is sick and it’s not his fault alright?” Will said
desperately.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head not sure what else I could do, what else I could
say. So, Will was telling me Matty was crazy but a different kind of crazy then
I was because I certainly felt crazy. Not being able to do anything besides
wish I could have a fucking drink while he was right I basically slept or
shivered in corners because if I wasn’t being abused I didn’t know what to do
with myself. Because I literally couldn’t function because I was waiting for a
door to open or a call on the com or something that would make my skin crawl
and make me shut down because I was that terrified of what those things meant.

Will sighed and continued down the hallway leaving Pat and I by the lift
staring after him. Pat sighed heavily hugging me, “This is hard on him too.”

“I realize, I know it’s not easy for him. He’s not supposed to be the one
taking care of everyone I am and I can’t and mum’s not here so where does that
leave him? I realize that I’m not stupid Pat. I understand why he’s so angry I
do but there … I can’t fix it I don’t even know how to fix myself he’s right
all I do is lay in my room curled in a ball crying hoping I don’t claw my skin
off wishing I could die. How do I fix that?” I said closing my eyes and
covering them quickly trying to keep the tears from coming.

“You find things to do to get through, you read, you spend time with them no
matter how tired and sad you and scared you are. You write, or draw, listen to
music, anything to get your mind to somewhere it can think if only for a second
ok Rabbit? I know it’s hard and it’s not fair and if I could I would make this
all go away but you saw them look at me. I’m nothing to them too just like
you,” Pat said and for a minute his strongness, his fierceness that made him my
Pat wavered and I saw another broken and scared boy looking back at me.

“Well, you’re not nothing to me. I love you so much and you are so important to
me without you I don’t know where I’d be but I know I’d be worse. You’re my
light Pat I owe everything to you,” I said hugging him tightly.

I thought of things I hadn’t thought of in a while standing there holding him.
I thought of what it had been like before I had gotten in touch with Cole and
Pat how I had spent day after day locked in his room naked, alone just waiting
for him to come, to climb on top of me and do whatever he wanted for him to
pull me downstairs and let his friends do things to me. How I had basically
been a caged animal with no intelligent thought just going through the motions
until he walked in my front door how his hair had been longer, his blue eyes
the bluest I had ever remembered a person having. How he had told Hank he was a
pervert when Hank commented on my body making me feel sick to my stomach. I
leaned up kissing his ear making him laugh.

“That tickles,” He murmured looking at me closely, “I love you too. Is it wrong
I’m scared for you?”

I shook my head slowly, “No, I’ll be fine though it’s only for a little while.
Maybe it can be like last night where I went away in my head for a while. Come
back when it’s over.”

“Wait what?” Pat asked me wrinkling his brows with worry.

“I don’t remember everything that happened after a while. It’s like bits and
pieces are missing. After the dining room, I mean. Like first I’m there and
then I’m downstairs and then I’m upstairs and things in-between I either don’t
remember or the feel blurry and weird it’s hard to explain. I know I hit my
head pretty hard last night when Uncle Ben slammed me against the floor but, I
don’t know it’s not horrible right I mean not remembering a couple things here
and there.” I answered.
“What don’t you remember?” He asked me.

I felt my face grow warm feeling weird trying to recount things I didn’t
remember from other sources, “Apparently, I was loud. I don’t remember any of
that. I don’t…” I felt a wave of nausea overcome me. It flashed before my eyes
like it was happening his hands on my skin biting my chest my neck, feeling him
so deep in me it hurt. I couldn’t breathe my head ringing his voice echoing
inside my brain. Before I knew it, the floor was coming up to meet me and I
couldn’t stand on my own feet my heart pounding so hard I thought it was going
to explode Pat’s face white with fear standing over me. He leaned down.

“It’s ok Rabbit, I’m sorry you’re ok don’t think about it think about being
here with me,” He said grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I squeezed back. Why
would I feel him? Why now why not last night when it was really happening? What
was wrong with me? I felt my whole body shaking trembling. The com sizzled on
the wall making Pat jump as I looked closely at it.

“Boys, come on down, I have some stuff I want to talk about. Cole, Pat, Will,
John, come on all four of you,” Da said.

“Shit,” I muttered catching my breath.

Pat got up and marched over to the com hitting the red button that said talk
“We need some time give us 10 minutes please.” He said waiting for a reply.

The com crackled again before I heard Da sigh on the other end “All right 10
minutes, don’t take too long I’m counting.”

He came back over to where I was and then grabbed my hand pulling me up, “Cole
we’re going to John’s room for 10 minutes to huh play cards you want to come!”
He shouted down the hall and Cole popped his head out of the living room with
Will.
“Sure, yeah,” He said nodding his head as Pat opened my bedroom door and we
went inside where Pat opened the door and then pulled the smokes out of his
pocket and Will and Cole joined us a minute later.

“You’re smoking in here?” Will asked.

“You breathe a word you’re dead,” I warned him as Pat handed me a smoke.

“He won’t,” Cole said nodding at him, “Right Will?”

“Can I have one?” He asked me.

I thought about it for a minute did I really want my 11-year-old brother
smoking? No but was he less likely to tell my mum I was a smoker if I did let
him smoke with us. Yes, “Ok just one.” I said to him.

“Awesome,” Will said more to himself than anyone else as Pat handed him one.

We sat there mostly in silence smoking taking turns sticking our heads out the
window. I wasn’t looking forward to whatever they had planned none of us were.
I sighed heavily looking at Pat. Back smiled back at me trying to reassure me
that this was going to be ok that we were going to be ok but it just made me
more nervous.

“You think this will be all night?” Will asked suddenly making me look at him.
He looked nervous. I could understand why he’d only done this maybe once or
twice before. Where it had been more often for me and even more often for Pat
and Cole.
“Probably,” Cole said nodding his head, “I don’t know what they are planning.”

“To rape us what else would they be planning?” Will asked looking at the 3 of
us.

“Well, sometimes it’s different,” Pat said quietly, “Sometimes it’s they go one
on one and like just trade us around other times it’s…” Pat stopped speaking
causing a look of confusion on Will’s face. Pat didn’t even want to say it. I
knew I had to that he wouldn’t get it that it wouldn’t make sense to him if I
didn’t explain.

“Sometimes they lock some of us in a cage while all of them do one person at
once,” I finished.

“They make you watch while they…,” Will started.

“No, they’re usually too occupied to see whether we’re watching or not but we
have to hear it so yeah,” Cole answered, “It’s harder when they do it that way
knowing you can’t do anything to help the person they are…with.”

“It’s not easy,” Pat said throwing his butt out the window as I did the same
with mine, “You two ready?” Pat asked looking at Will and Cole.

“As ready as I can be,” Cole said shaking his head throwing his and Will’s
butts out the window, “Let’s just get this done.”

We all went to the lift and stepped inside hitting the down button all silent
hugging ourselves trying to stay calm. Trying to breath. I’m sure they all felt
the same panic I was feeling the same scream they were restricting, trying to
keep quite trapped in their chests. When the door opened on the second-floor
Pat put him arm out to stop me from leaving the elevator and then let the door
shut.

“We can do this, we’re going to be ok alright? No matter what promise me we’re
going to be ok?” He said grabbing me and pressing his forehead to mine even
though his voice was shaking.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head our foreheads still touching, “We’ll be ok. We’ll
be ok.” I said twice once for him and once for me before he kissed me hard and
I kissed him back my tongue tickling the roof of his mouth before we broke away
grabbing each other’s hands and squeezing. I hit the button to open the door
back up and there were Will and Cole staring at the door waiting for us.

“Come on guys faster we get down there the faster they finish, hopefully,” Cole
said and Pat and I nodded in agreement as we started down the steps into the
kitchen.

When we got down there Da was sitting at the counter on a stool while Uncle Ben
and Hank and Leo stood around looking in our direction smiles breaking out
across their faces as we walked down the stairs one by one and stayed close to
the wall on that side of the kitchen not wanting them to be close to us. Not
wanting them to touch us.

“Nice of you to join us,” Da said looking at the four of us, “Now this is going
to be simple, alright? We already decided how this is going to work you don’t
need to worry about that just take off your clothes and we’ll head downstairs
all right?”

Pat and Cole sighed pulling off their shirts and undoing their pants allowing
them to fall the ground tugging their boxers down quickly so they were standing
there naked Will hesitated for a minute and then followed suit. I couldn’t make
myself do it, I raised my shirt hands shaking so bad I could barely lift them
my mind screaming no the entire time. I felt beyond sick I couldn’t do this I
couldn’t let them do whatever it was they were going to do. Pat looked over at
me.

“John it’s ok,” Pat said quietly trying to coax me into movement, “We’re all
going to be naked it’s ok it’s not just you,” He said he eyes pleading with me
to just do it to make it easier on myself.

“He’s mine first, right?” Leo asked my eyes going wide as he took a step
forward towards me.

Da nodded gesturing at me as if to say “have at it” and didn’t bother to really
stop and look at me as Leo walked up to me inches from my face causing me to
back up my back hitting the wall behind me. His hands touching my bruised ribs
running his fingers along them and down to my waist where he undid my pants
pulling them down with my underwear in one swipe.

“Can I see?” Hank said licking his lips Leo blocking his view as he wrapped his
arms around my shoulders licking my cheek.

“Oh, yeah a quick one,” Leo said moving his body aside so Hank could see me.

“Nice, god I can’t wait for my turn I’ll put that cock to good use,” Hank said
and I looked over seeing Pat close his eyes visibly shuddering for me as My
uncle walked up to him shoving his tongue in Pat’s mouth before Pat could give
any protest.
“Come on, downstairs yeah?” Leo said grabbing me by the hand leading me
downstairs to the red room with the bed. At least I knew he wasn’t going to
physically hurt me just rip my soul in half his hand running across my chest as
he pushed me forward and I feel backwards onto the bed. He stripped quickly
grabbing a condom and lube throwing it on the bed beside me.

“You nice and clean for me baby?” He asked me catching me off guard as he
licked up my chest sucking on my neck when he straddled me.

“Wha-what?” I stammered.

“In case I want to eat that plump pert ass of yours,” He said dragging his
tongue back down my body making me flinch. He licked me like licked me licked
me first down my chest and then from hip to hip making my breath catch. I
didn’t want him doing this. I didn’t want him touching me like that, “Just
relax.” He muttered into one of my hips before he lifted up my penis licking my
balls.

“Woah,” I whimpered the feeling weird to me, no one having really done it like
that before and he kept doing it making my body start to shake making me hard
and then put his mouth around me, “No,” I said going to grab him to shove him
off of me but he grabbed my hands forcing them to the sides of the bed.

“Did I say you could touch me?” He said shuffling forward up my body shoving my
hands into the pillows above my head and then hooking a cuff around one of my
wrists and then the other pulling the chains tight so that my arms were being
held in place above my head, “Do what I say ok? This is my time, my body,” He
said grabbing my penis the touch feeling like an electric shock to my skin. His
mouth went back down where it had been before stealing my breath. I didn’t want
his mouth on me, his hands cupping my balls messaging them as he blew me I
wanted him to stop. I didn’t want this my body kept telling me it felt good but
it didn’t. I didn’t want it to I wanted him to stop I wanted it all to stop but
it didn’t matter how hard I struggled my arms were stuck and he was in-between
my legs doing what he wanted to me making sure I felt every lick every move of
his hand sending chills through my body.

“Don’t cry baby,” He said kissing my cheek pulling my legs farther apart
putting the condom on and sliding two fingers into me. I really didn’t want
this.

“Please don’t, I’m sore please don’t,” I begged pulling at my restraints
starting to cry as he pushed his cock up against my butt positioning my hips.

“It’s ok. I’ll go slow it’s all right,” He moaned sliding into me, “God you’re
always so tight.” He moaned thrusting into me.

“Stop,” I begged wishing he wasn’t touching me like he was that he wasn’t
kissing me that his hands weren’t on my body that he wasn’t rocking back and
forth inside me making my eyes go wide and my throat feel like it was closing
up. I bit back any sounds my body wanted to make as he rolled his hips just
like my Da had making my eyes bug out.

“God you’re amazing,” He moaned over top of me moving inside me my whole body
shaking.

“Please,” I begged again throwing my head back as he hit against that one spot
that always made my body relent to their demands give them what they wanted.

“Good huh?” He moaned, “I’m about to cum so hard inside you baby,” He moaned
biting my neck as my toes started to curl him hitting that spot again, “Here it
comes oh fuck yes, oh shit yeah! That’s!!!”

He trailed off as he came on top of me. When he was done, he pulled out his
mouth finding its way back down to my dick taking it in his mouth my body
already barely holding on causing me to orgasm immediately into his mouth my
eyes rolling back in my head even though I was fighting it as hard as I
possibly could my whole body shaking. He kissed my lips trying to get me to
kiss back and I laid there numb trying to ignore him on top of me.

“Kiss me or I’ll kiss you somewhere else again,” He said his hand grabbing a
hold of me started to pump starting to make me hard again.

“Please I can’t do it,” I begged him, “Please, please.”

“Then just kiss me,” He said kissing my lips again. I relented letting him kiss
me but he didn’t stop touching me, his hands sending that cold ice rolling
through my body still, making me shiver. He didn’t stop. He didn’t stop. He
made me cum until I thought I couldn’t anymore until I was beyond tired and
behind sick until I couldn’t think and I was just a bundle of nerves chained to
a bed wanting him to stop touching me.

When I thought it was over, praying it was over Hank came in.

“NO! NO! NO!” I screamed pulling at the chains on my wrist the metal cutting
into me as he stared at me laughing.

“Oh yeah, we’re going to have fun,” He said climbing on top of me his hands
going to my hips as he used his shoulders to force my legs apart.

“NO NO NO PLEASE PLEASE NO!” I screamed as he put lube on his hand.

“Calm down, calm all right I don’t want to have to gag you while I wait for my
fingers to work their magic ok beautiful?” Hank said his fingers teasing
against me causing me to tense, “I’m going to make you cum so hard and I’m
going to do without even touching that beautiful cock once and then we’ll have
fun seeing how many times I can get you to cum into that cup over there,” he
said pointing to a red party cup on the night stand, “God your body is amazing,
your cock gained like an inch and half how long is it now?” He asked taking me
in his hands making me jerk, “Oh right I said no touching, didn’t I? Sorry.” He
mumbled biting into my neck again in the same spot Leo had kept nibbling and
kissing.

He kissed on me like that for a while and then he shoved one finger in there as
I bite my lip and closed my eyes my whole body still raw his finger almost
instantly finding that spot that he knew would make me scream. I didn’t want
him to. I didn’t want him to be able to do that to me, another finger sliding
in with the other one already inside me gently prodding and poking against my
prostate making me gasps for air that didn’t want in my body. It hurt.
Everything hurt like my whole body was tingling like it was asleep I could feel
his hands everywhere even in the places he wasn’t touching me.

It took everything in me not to scream because the whole thing hurt so much but
he kept going, making me climax again and then he pulled his fingers out and
like he promised he grabbed the cup manipulating me as many times as he wanted
as many times as he could get me to climax until he was satisfied collecting it
all in the cup. When he was done, he lifted it to my mouth smiling, “Drink” he
said simply.

I clamped my mouth shut I wasn’t going to do that. I wasn’t going to taste my
own cum. I couldn’t. I couldn’t make myself do that. He straddled me holding my
nose shut until I had to open my mouth to breath and then tipped the contents
of the cup into my mouth. Holding my mouth shut to make me swallow. It tasted
thick and gross like snot and runny eggs and salty like nothing I had ever
remembered really tasting before. I felt sick to my stomach and I was crying,
screaming begging him to stop touching me as he hands went back to wandering my
body, making me want to cut my skin off. When he was done, he smiled at me
forcing his tongue between my lips his hands still on my waist my hips making
my skin crawl making me want to scream even though I barely had a voice left.

The door opened and I saw my uncle come in. If I could have I would have curled
into a ball and died. I didn’t want him touching me everything hurt, my whole
body hurt. I tried to scream but found I only could make a horse sounding moan.
I started crying the silent tears dripping down my face as I shook my head.

“Your Da knows your limits that’s for sure. I want to god do I want to but he
said you’re done for right now but when I get my turn god I’m going to make you
squeal like a pig as I stuff my cock in your mouth. Make you scream and gasps
as I make you cum oh so good,” He said before he undid my chains throwing me
over his shoulder holding onto my ankles to carry me back to the other room.
When we got there, I felt someone grab me around the waist and I tried to
scream my throat so sore I could barely make a sound before they lowered me
onto what I thought was the floor before I opened my eyes realizing it was the
cage.

“John?” Pat said quietly trying to calm me down but I dragged myself as far
away from him and anyone else that was near me as possible.

“It hurt, it hurts it hurts don’t touch me, don’t, don’t touch me!” I managed
to rasp curling into a ball around myself.

“No one is going to touch you John, No one is touching you, all right?” He said
holding his hands up where I could see them.

I felt broken, every cell in my body on fire. I didn’t want to feel like that
if I could have been someone else, I would have. If I could have felt anything
else even if it was nothing that was preferable to having every cell in my body
screaming at me, tingling like it was alive and had a million bugs crawling
over every inch.

“This is what they do to him?” Will asked quietly like he was afraid watching
me from where he had his knees tucked under his chin using his legs to hid
himself and his exposed body from everyone.

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head and I could see the wetness in his eyes that
he was trying to hide from Will the fear and the worry he was feeling, “Yeah
this is what they do. I’ve never seen him this bad.”

“What do they do to make him like that?” Will asked Pat quietly his eyes still
on me.

“Well, you know how they like to make you…climax?” Pat said carefully watching
my face for any signs of me getting more unsettled to which I remember shaking
my head and mumbling no to myself.

“Yeah are you saying they make you do that over and over until you blow a
fuse?” Will asked.

“Blow a fuse?” Pat asked confused.

“Like an electrical circuit, if you put too much electrical energy into it it
blows a fuse and quits working like his body is a breaker and his head is fuse
they put too much energy into him so he quit working he’s blown a fuse and
needs his fuse changed now,” Will explained.

“That is actually a very good analogy for what it feels like yeah, so I suppose
yes that’s exactly what they do,” Pat answered.

I heard a noise that made me jump the cage rattling underneath us as Pat put
out and arm and moved Will behind him. He looked up and found Hank staring at
us, staring at me.

“Dad what do you want?” Pat asked bravely, shouldn’t you be entertaining
yourself somewhere else.

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” Hank said licking his lips.

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see him didn’t want to think about him or
feel him on my skin like I still did I squeezed my eyes shut and clapped my
hands over my ears. So, I’m not sure what happened or what was said for a while
but no one stopped me from it, no one tried to make me listen or touched me
even though after a while I could hear a muffled voice softly talking to me,
addressing me trying to say something. I swallowed and opened my eyes to see
Hank was gone and it was just Pat and Will looking at me Will’s eyes wide and
fearful and Pat’s face filled with worry as he spoke to me loud enough so I
could hear though my hands.

“John, he’s gone you’re in the cage he’s not going to touch you, you’re behind
me you’re safe he can’t touch you if you’re behind me, not without going
through me first ok?” He said.

I remember feeling numb everything about me feeling like static my brain
rushing in a million different directions at once. I kept feeling like I was
getting zapped every couple of seconds for a while my whole body jerking as
Will and Pat watched me closely.
“Why is he twitching like that?” Will asked Pat after a second.

“I don’t know, John why are you jerking like that?” Pat asked watching me
closely.

“They’re under my skin, I feel them under my skin,” I barely managed to choke
out my whole body on fire with this cold heat my brain just static everything
they had done running through my head. I felt cold and like I couldn’t breathe
like nothing made sense like I just wanted out.

“You’re ok,” Pat said and I could see him holding back the urge to approach me,
to touch me, “It’ll stop, you’re already twitching less.”

I nodded my head not believing him but wanting him to know I had heard him. I
didn’t want him to touch me but I still wanted to feel his hands to know I was
safe because I felt anything but safe. Whereas his hands made me feel safe,
made me feel stable like things would really be ok even if they weren’t going
to be.

The door opened with bang and we looked over to see Cole being carried in by
Hank his body limp blood running down his legs. Whatever they had done to him
they really hurt him badly. They opened the cage placing him on the floor of it
next to Pat who grabbed him pulling him backwards as hand reached towards Will
to pull him out.

“NO!” I managed to shout surprising everyone causing Hank to smile.

“You going to take his place Johnny?” He asked me making me shiver. I wanted
to, even in my panic induced haze I didn’t want to subject my brother to any
pain or suffering I nodded my head starting to slide forward.

“John, you can’t,” Will said looking at me horrified, “I’ll do it don’t listen
to him please, just take me.”

“I can see why your dad either likes you two together or completely separate
otherwise he’d spent all night fighting with who he is going to give it to,”
Hank said shaking his head, “John looks a little worn out so Will come on.”

Will nodded his head bravely straightening his shoulders and sucking his chest
to make himself look bigger braver and he climbed out letting Hank lead him
away by the shoulders as we watched silently. I couldn’t bring myself to think
about it. To think about all the things they were doing to him that they were
making him hate himself, hate his body like they had done to me. The door shut
and there was only silence. Cole awake but not speaking, looking like he had
gotten run over by a train.

“Oh Cole, come on Wingman say something,” Pat said grabbing Cole’s hand and
giving it a squeeze in order to show support.

“Jesus fucking Christ it burns,” Cole muttered holding his stomach curled in
the fetal position.

“I bet,” Pat said nodding his head, “What did they do to you?”

“I can’t even… I’m not even going to talk about it it’s, not something you tell
your brother,” Cole said.

“Well at least I know it didn’t make you hot otherwise you’d be all about
telling me,” Pat said causing Cole to laugh lightly which made him hiss in
pain.

“Sorry,” Pat said looking at my eyes watching them carefully, “Rabbit are you
coming back?”

I shrugged my shoulders slowly, “I’ve been here just…”

“I know, I get it,” Pat said looking at me, “I understand.”

“I feel cold,” I said shaking my head.

“well we’re all butt ass naked of course you feel cold probably a bit of a
breeze on your nut sack too,” Cole said laughing and then hissing in pain again
as Pat shook his head.

“Man, quit making yourself laugh you’re going to kill yourself if you’re not
careful,” Pat mused.

“When I’m scared I have inappropriate humor you know that?” Cole said winking
at me.

I shook my head not cracking a smile, “I didn’t mean like that type of cold
just like…inside it’s just cold.”

“You still feel them under your skin?” Pat asked quietly.

I nodded my head. I didn’t know what to say what to do really. I didn’t have
any idea how this was ever going to stop if it was ever going to stop. For all
I knew I was going to spent the rest of my life locked in that basement in that
cage waiting for them to come back for me. Even as I felt my voice becoming
less sore more normal I still couldn’t find the motivation to use it like I
should be, sentences short, broken into pieces. My speech just not making
sense. I knew I wasn’t making sense but I couldn’t get my mouth around the
words that wanted to come out of my brain correctly just as my brother had
described before he was pulled away I had a fuse blown.

“Dude, just say it, I see it in your face,” Cole said looking at Pat.

Pat shook his head staring at me sadly. I could see it in his face too. He
wanted to comfort me but he knew how important it was he didn’t touch me. He
understood that he needed my permission before his hands got near my skin
because I didn’t feel safe, I didn’t feel in control and he wanted to make sure
I was aware I had that control with him and that I always would.

I sighed and reached my hand out asking him to grab it without words and he
did. He grabbed my hand and held it lightly looking into my eyes nodding his
head at me. Letting me know I was ok that we were going to be ok and I started
to relax. His thumb massaging the back of my hand lightly starting to silence
the static in my skin, starting to make me feel warm again.

I don’t remember how long we were done there but they didn’t come get me again.
They took him away after a while and then when they were finished with him they
brought him back setting him down in the cage his whole body twitching and
shivering just like mine had, his brain probably hazy and fogged over like mine
had been. He didn’t speak for a while but I curled up close to him before he
pulled me to him wrapping his arms around me as I wrapped mine around him
letting him know I was there that we were together and that made everything
feel ok even if it wasn’t. They didn’t spend a lot of time in the second red
room with the cage pulling us out at different points and into the other room
doing what they wanted and then dumping us back. It felt like days but for all
I knew it was only hours until they came for me again.

It was my Da and he didn’t take me the next room like I thought they were
instead he took me over to the corner to that weird table with stirrups and
locked my legs into it strapping my thighs into the device so that I couldn’t
close my legs strapping my arms down to the table as well. I don’t remember
starting to scream but they put a blind fold on me all four of them around me
and I could hear everyone else screaming too. Pat begging them to leave me
alone telling them that I wasn’t ready yet that I wasn’t normal yet. And then
the ear plugs went in.

I couldn’t see or hear anything all I could do was feel, feel their hands on
me, their tongues so many tongues at once. Tongues and teeth running across my
skin making me scream, making me beg for them to stop. I felt like a piece of
meat laid bare on a table to be picked apart and devoured. I felt someone pry
my mouth open and shove themselves into it and I knew what it was I wasn’t
stupid and I didn’t try to scream even though my whole body was vibrating with
the energy their hands were putting into my skin, into my body my tactile
senses heightened their tongues and teeth and hands and nail against my skin
making me want to scream. If I was screaming I couldn’t hear it. I could only
feel what they were doing to me which made it that much more terrifying.

I felt someone push into me hard without warming me up no fingers, only their
penis while I felt someone else their mouth around me. I knew by then I was
probably screaming and just couldn’t hear it my arms and legs straining against
the bindings that were holding me down I could hear my voice ringing in my ears
begging them to stop but heard only silence in return their hands doing
whatever they wanted. I felt like they were laughing at me as I tried my
hardest to make sure I didn’t make any sounds that sounded like I was enjoying
it even though a couple of moans escaped from me after a while my whole body
still vibrating with the static electricity they had put into it my whole being
a raw bundle of nerves that wouldn’t stop moving wouldn’t stop tingling.

I don’t know how long they had me tied down but when they were done I was sorer
then I ever remembered being before besides that very first time. When they
took out the ear plugs I heard them laughing and bragging to each other,
complementing each other and then I felt breath against my neck making me tense
as someone started to unshackle me.

“You did great baby, really great,” My Da breathed licking my neck again in
that spot that I knew was now beyond black and blue as I bite the inside of my
cheek to keep from outright sobbing as hands continued to release me four hand
yanking me up from the table where they had kept me chained down and lifting me
before taking the blind fold off, four hands that shoved me past the bars and
back into the cage as the blindfold was pulled from my eyes the light of the
room blinding me.

They grabbed someone else and it wasn’t long before the screaming started as I
sat at the back of the cage rocking back and forth holding my knees tightly to
my chest keeping my eyes shut and hoping just hoping they were done with me. I
remember everything feeling like it was taking forever, like the screaming
would never stop the pleading, like we would never be let out of there almost
like I was under water waiting for the person holding me under to allow me to
surface to decide I was allowed to live.

Then the screaming stopped. Silence. Dead silence and they opened the cage
again dropping Cole back inside it and they locked the cage back up. I opened
my eyes to see them getting dressed and they left us there. I didn’t know what
they were planning none of us did and looking at the faces sitting with me I
could see their fear, the same fear I had written on their faces. I wanted to
reach out to try and comfort them but that felt dangerous. I was beyond scared,
my mouth felt like it didn’t know how to work my brain foggy any words I had to
say not processing enough to make it to my lips and out of my mouth until he
spoke. Will spoke very quietly almost so much so it was hard for me to hear, to
understand but him speaking broke the silence.

“What are they doing?” He mumbled his arms wrapped tightly around his knees the
same way everyone else was sitting.

“Going to sleep?” Cole said sounding more like a question than an actual answer
shrugging his shoulders.

“Probably,” Pat agreed nodding his head.

“They aren’t going to let us out?” Will swallowed before he asked.

“It means they’re not done,” Cole answered quietly his eyes staring at nothing.

“Oh,” Will said sadly, the sound barely escaping his lips and he hugged himself
tighter, “Are they just going to keep us down here?”

“Until they decide they are done yeah,” Pat answered him, “It’ll be ok we’ll be
fine they won’t kill us, they can’t without permission.”

“I’m not worried about that,” Will said, “He’s not normal, he’s not going to be
ok.”

“Rabbit?” Pat said looking at me looking closely into my eyes, “You ok?”

“I’m in the cage,” I said not exactly sure what I meant by saying it but my
brain felt like static, tired my body sore.

“Yeah Rabbit, you’re in the cage,” Pat said nodding his head watching me
closely, “You in there somewhere?”

“Yeah, I…sorry,” I managed to answer.

“You have nothing to be sorry about ok?” Pat answered holding out his hand
waiting for me to take it.

“I want them to stop,” I said shaking my head.

“I know Rabbit me too,” Pat said, “How is everyone else?”

“I’ll be fine,” Cole sighed from where he was laying curled in a ball, “That
was fucking bizarre though I can’t…no.”

Will looked at Pat and then thought for a minute, “Are they going to do that to
me, that thing with the mask?”

He was pale and shaking his whole being seemed beyond scared. I wanted to
comfort him to tell him it would be ok even though if they did that it wouldn’t
be but I had no idea what to say it was almost as if I couldn’t wrap my head
around how to make him feel safe because nothing felt safe. Not even the hands
that I wished could touch me. Pat’s hands I wanted to feel them on my skin I
wanted to be comforted but the idea of feeling anyone against my skin made me
tremble, made me feel a quickening of my heart and a panic rise in my chest.

“I don’t know Will,” Pat answered him honestly, “I will try and do everything I
can to make sure they don’t and I’m sure if John was ok he would tell you the
same thing.”

“I can’t do that please I can’t,” Will said as he sniffled and I knew he was
trying to hide his tears because of me.

I sighed uncoiling myself slowly knowing I had to try and snap out of it that I
had to try and be strong for my baby brother who was beyond terrified that they
were going to do to him what they had done to me my skin still crawling, “I’ll
try to keep you safe,” I promised him looking at me closely.
“What did it feel like?” Will asked me suddenly catching me off guard.

“It hurt,” I answered simply. Not wanting to describe the way their teeth felt
against my skin how the tingles and chills it send through my body were still
happening how I had screamed out because it hurt in a different way than just
physically how it had hurt really deep down the fact that I couldn’t stop them,
the fact that I had no control over what they were doing to me where they were
putting their hands or even the fact that I couldn’t keep myself from
screaming, from making sounds.

“Yeah,” Cole agreed with me not really looking at anyone still, “I just hope
they don’t do that again couldn’t even fucking tell who was doing what.”

“Language,” Pat told Cole.

“You know I’ve made out with him, right? And John talks like that all the time
in front of me,” Will said looking at Pat and frowning.

“And we’re locked in a cage naked together in a sex dungeon,” Cole added.

“That doesn’t mean we get to talk like that in front of someone who is 11,” Pat
said.

“You mean just because we’re being treated like animals doesn’t mean we get to
talk like fucking animals? Awesome thanks,” Cole sneered.

“Hey I didn’t put you down here don’t take this out on me,” Pat said staring at
him.

“I know you didn’t but I’m sure you didn’t help, messing around with your
boyfriend in the pool especially here of all places really? I mean come on Pat
maybe if you two could keep your hands off each other they might be less
interested,” Cole hissed.

“What?” Will asked a looked of confusion crossing his face, “Boyfriend but I
thought that the two of you were over?”

“We’re just friends,” Pat answered.

“Friends that need to dry hump each other,” Cole said.

“Excuse you I don’t get on your case about Kristoff or Caleb or anything else
so back the fuck off at least he’s just one person and I can’t do anything with
him anyway,” Pat answered defensively.

“Oh, yeah that’s right your fucking kept boy,” Cole said rolling his eyes,
“Like that will stop you?”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here Cole and you know this isn’t on him,” I
said finally finding my voice.

“No, it’s not on him, is it? It’s on you, you’re their plaything we just came
over at the wrong time, right?” Cole said.

“Cole, you don’t shut the fuck up I will sock you so hard you’ll be knocked
into last week so shut your mouth,” Pat warned him.

“He’s right it is my fault,” I said.

“NO! NO! IT” S NOT ALL three of you stop it! STOP IT!” Will screamed at us,
“We’re stuck here and they are torturing all of us not just one of us all of us
we’re all here ok this isn’t anyone’s fault but theirs this is what they want
they want us at each other’s throats ok? So, knock it off taking our anger out
on each other because we are mad at them doesn’t help anything. We’re all
tired, we’re all sore and we’re all stuck here so let’s try and sleep.”

Cole looked like he had swallowed a lemon like his attention at been drawn to
his own behavior in a way he didn’t like. He was angry about being stuck here
just like I was and just like Pat was and he had just had the fact that he was
taking his angry out on everyone but the people that deserved to be on the
receiving end of it. He sighed, “John, I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“Yeah you did mean it but it’s true so it doesn’t matter,” I answered not
looking at him.

“No, it’s not true and it does matter I’m sorry ok? I shouldn’t have said it
and I didn’t mean it,” Cole insisted.

“It’s true though,” I said again.

“HEY!” Pat yelled causing me to jump to look at him, “It’s not true. I don’t
care what they make you feel this is not on you it’s on them they made this
choice not you, you didn’t do this ok Rabbit?”

I didn’t know what to say his eyes fierce staring straight into me I sighed and
nodded my head. It didn’t feel true. It felt like it was my fault because they
were the four people who couldn’t keep their hands off of me it seemed like
everyone else was just there so they had someone else to play with while they
were trading off on me.

I noticed Pat was still staring at me intently, “What?” I asked biting my lip.

“Can I hug you?” Pat asked me quietly almost so quietly I didn’t hear him but I
nodded my head in response uncoiling myself from the ball I had formed even
more as he scooted up beside me pulling me into his arms gently.

At first I was shaking just having his hands on me too much and then he
lovingly pulled my head against his chest and I felt my body starting to
settling unexpectedly, starting to relax into his as he rubbed my back his
hands not going anywhere they shouldn’t be. The feel of his chest against my
cheek, my face. I breathed him in deep his scent flooding me making me feel
safe for the first time in what felt like forever.

“You’re ok,” he said as he laid down with me. I allowed myself to close my eyes
even if it was just to hide the fact that I was crying from Cole and Will.

I must have fallen asleep because Pat was shaking me awake as the door knob
turned as everyone was rubbing their eyes. It was Leo and my Da and I felt like
I had been punched in the stomach. Before I knew it, I was sitting at the back
of the cage my back pressed so hard against the bars I could feel them digging
into my skin. Their eyes weren’t on anyone else Da staring right at me. I knew
they were there for me, I knew what they wanted to do to me. I felt like I was
drowning again everything felt muffled the blood rushing around my head.

“Hi,” Leo said looking at the cage but his eyes mostly staying on me, “Here’s
the plan, we’re going to draw straws the person who gets the short straw stays
for one more round everyone else can leave.”

“Pat,” I mouthed as Pat looked at me and I wasn’t able to stop the shaking or
panic because I knew they were going to find a way to make the short straw be
mine that I was going to pay for this.

“It’s ok John,” Pat whispered to me grabbing my hand allowing me to squeeze it
as hard as I possibly could, “It’s ok.”

“No straws I’ll do it,” Pat said bravely causing every face to turn and look at
him.

“No, we’re doing straws,” Leo insisted, “If no one wants to draw a straw I’ll
draw for each of you and tell you which one is yours. Any takers?”

No one moved to grab a straw from my Da so Leo sighed, “Ok this straw,” he drew
his first one, “Is yours Patrick, this one,” He drew another straw that was
also long, “Is yours Will and this straw look another long one is Cole’s so
guess who gets the short straw?”

“You can’t do that to him!” Pat exclaimed, “You can’t, he’s not well he’s sick
you’ve driven him to the point where he can’t even be touched.”

“Oh, he can be touched, you want to see?” Leo asked smiling, “Come here
Johnny,” He said beckoning me forward.

I was shaking my head before the word came out, “No.”

“What’s wrong John, you scared baby?” Leo asked licking his bottom lip, “I
won’t make it hurt too bad, just a little bit. Everyone else out.”

“I’m not letting you,” Pat said shaking his head as Cole quickly grabbed Will
by the arm and my Da allowed them to pass, “You can’t do this Connor, you
can’t.”

“What did you just call me?” My Da asked looking at Pat closely.

“Connor, he’s going to kill himself if you do this, he can’t take it,” Pat
begged him on my behalf.

“And I’ll be there to stop him,” My Da answered him folding his arms across his
chest staring at Pat closely.

“Jesus fuck Connor I’m begging you please don’t do this to him,” Pat said
again.

“And I thought that Cole was Hank’s problem child fucking everything that
moved, don’t think we don’t watch you guys don’t think we don’t know things,”
He said smiling at the shocked looked on Pat’s face, “Whatever this is,” He
said pointed his index finger at Pat and waving it between the two of us, “I’m
watching this.”

“This is called fucking friendship but you wouldn’t know that if it pulled off
its pants and bent over in front of you and told you to fuck it,” Pat spat
because hocking a loogie and spiting it in my Da’s face.

My Da smiled calmly, his eyes staring daggers at Pat, “I think I want to play a
game. You like games Leo?”

“I love games, what game?” Leo asked.

“Hang man with a twist,” My Da said grabbing Pat by his neck and dragging him
from the cage Leo dragged a chair into the center of the room.

“Now Patrick we’ll see if how strong this friendship is,” My Da nearly growled
you take your eyes off of him for one second and I will hang him, and he won’t
be breathing again until your eyes go back to him you understand me, you’re the
witness. Johnny here is the Hanging man,” he said as Leo climbed half way into
the cage and grabbed my foot dragging me out before I had time to react, “We’re
going to hang Johnny by the arms from this hook here, and put this chain around
his neck anytime you look away we take the chain holding his arms off the hook
understand Patrick?”

Pat nodded his head sitting in the chair his eyes already on me not moving, as
Leo chained me up. My Da went to the door and called Hank into the room and
Hank hoisted me up on the hook stringing me from the ceiling my whole center of
gravity changing.

“I get to play too nice!” Hank said going over to the corner and taking down
the whip from the wall. He didn’t even wait to whip me doing it harder than he
probably intended because he hissed as I whimpered despite trying to stay
silent and then I felt Leo’s hands on my hips as he laughed, running his tongue
along my back either near the whip mark or on it my skin burning causing me to
scream.

“Da,” I whimpered as Hank whipped me again and Leo stuck a finger in a place it
didn’t belong.

“You’re all right baby I’ll make it feel better later,” Da answered not taking
his eyes off of Patrick.

They raped me. They whipped me, they hung clothes pins off of me like I was a
clothing line pinning them to my balls, my shaft, my nipples anywhere and
everywhere they could think of that would hurt as they did things to me. Not
once did Pat look away. I don’t think he even blinked. I only know that because
they didn’t choke me. I don’t remember them finishing, I don’t remember
anything but pain shifting.
***** 7 *****
Chapter Summary
     When John leaves the basement he feels the need to put himself in
     harms way to protect Will who has already suffered enough. Pat and
     John deal with the aftermath of the little get together they got to
     expierence dealing with their feelings about it and making it clear
     to each other that they still love each other when they get
     interrupted. Leaving John to explain some very complex feelings to
     James who is still a bit young to understand the difference between
     one person doing something with you and someone else. Ben tries to
     black mail John into some alone time causing him to become mortified.
Chapter Notes
     108-132. Ok, I think I'll do one or two more chapters you guys I go
     back to school in the morning so I figured I'd leave you with a gift
     in case I didn't have a chance to post anytime soon. Warnings: Rape/
     non-con, forced Oral sex, physical abuse, underage sexual activity,
     consensual, sex education, invasion of privacy, bullying, sexual
     harassment, childhood sexual abuse.
When I woke up, when my brain started functioning again I was in the other red
room in the bed my Da holding me close my arm numb. I shifted and he stirred
making me immediately go still again but that didn’t stop his hand from
reaching where I didn’t want it.

“I think you’re more than just friends with that boy,” He muttered his hand
moving on me as I tried to breathe.

I swallowed hard trying to swallow back my tears, “Please.”

“Please you want me to make you cum?” He whispered into my ear picking up his
pace making my breath catch.

Before I could even think of stopping it, it happened my whole-body shuddering
with it, painful because I was so worn out leaving me seeing stars unable to
think as he kissed my already beyond bruised neck.

“My little cum slut huh? You love to cum don’t you baby?” He muttered, “Does he
make you cum like that?”

“What?” I asked.

“Your friend Paddy? Does he make you cum like that?” My Da asked me.

“We’re just friends,” I lied to him just wanting the whole thing to be over.

“God, I fucking want to suck you dry,” he said ripping the blankets off of me
his hands prying at my already bruised knees so he could lay in-between them.

I wanted to scream but I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t say no to him I could beg
and cry and plead with anyone but him not that any of them ever listened. My
whole body in pain. He blew me for what felt like forever and yet I couldn’t
get it up. I couldn’t give him what he wanted which caused him to eventually
stop.

He sighed, “That’s ok, you’re probably just tired huh?”

I nodded my head not looking at him my whole body tingling to the point where I
felt like I was about to be sick. The bile rising in my throat. I somehow
managed to push him off and run to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet.
It wasn’t until I was done dry heaving that I noticed how much pain my shoulder
was in a tight burning spreading from my shoulder and down into my spine. I
sighed as my Da came into the bathroom.

“You ok baby?” He asked me looking at me where I was still bend over the
porcelain bowl my head pounding as I stared down into it at my own green and
yellowed colored vomit just bile from my empty stomach.

“My shoulder hurts,” I answered simply trying my hardest to keep that shoulder
immobile. Keep it from moving and sending pain down my body. My Da stepped back
as I got to my feet looking at me closely.

“I think it’s dislocated, I’ll call the doctor to come by all right baby?” He
asked looking at me closely, “I think Hank might have pulled a little too hard
earlier.

“Only a little?” I scoffed, “You have any idea how hard he yanked me down? I
thought my arms were going to come off.”

“Don’t be a smart ass, I know he was a little rough I told him so, just relax
all right. I’m going to go call the doctor, take a shower,” Da said to me
leaving the room.

I climbed into the shower every other movement making me hiss in pain my
shoulder throbbing with this raw hot energy. When I got out of the shower Dr.
Palmer was there in the red room waiting his eyes glancing from me to my Da and
back a confused look on his face horror passing across it when he saw my
shoulders.

“What did you do?” Vic asked looking at my Da.

“Stripped and whipped, sucked and fucked,” My Da answered simply just hearing
the saying making me cringe.

“Oh well, I’m going to have to reset his shoulder if you don’t want to see that
I would leave for a little bit,” Vic said to my Da.

“You want me to stay baby?” He asked looking at me.

“No, I’m fine you can go,” I said not looking at him. Not wanting to look at
him knowing what he was seeing and how it made him feel, me naked only covered
by a sheet my bare chest exposed my scars clearly visible.

“Ok, I’ll be upstairs,” He said.

Vic waited until the door was closed and then waited a few more moments and
then checked to see if he was still out in the hallway when he was gone he
sighed, “Are you ok?” he asked looking at me seriously.

“DO I look ok?” I asked half laughing.

“Point taken,” Vic said quietly, “I think they tried to eat your neck.”

“NO kidding,” I scoffed, “You know how bad this hurts?”

“I can imagine it looks like someone smacked you with a baseball in the neck
use some vinegar it will help pull the color out of it. What about everything
else besides the shoulder?” He asked looking at me closely.

I just shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about that. I didn’t want to talk
about how much pain I was in how my skin was still crawling, still burning with
that cold fire no matter how long their hands had been off me, how I was sore
in places I didn’t even remember could be sore.

“You can talk to me,” he said looking at me his eyes pleading with me to open
up.

“They locked my mum up,” I answered, “He hasn’t stopped since I got back. I’d
rather be dead. What is there to talk about?”

“Sounds like a lot to talk about actually,” He said walking up and standing in
front of me making me scoot back, “I have to fix your shoulder I have to touch
you, you need to lay back on the bed ok?”

I shook my head, “No,” I said, “You’re just trying to trick me I won’t do it,
I’m not going to let you do that to me.”

“John look at me ok,” Vic said staring at me closely, “When have I ever even
hinted that I have that type of interest in you? I’m not going to do that to
you especially if you don’t want me to. I’m not that type of person remember? I
know what that feels like, how scary that it I will never do anything like that
to anyone especially you but, I need you to lay back so I can put your shoulder
back into the joint. The easiest way for me to do that is for you to lay there
and me to pull forward on it while you use your body weight to stay laying down
ok? I’m not going to touch anywhere but your arm if I don’t fix it there could
be serious problems so you have to trust me.”

“Well I don’t trust anyone right about now ok? You know what they did to me?
They made Pat watch while they…” I trailed off I couldn’t even get the words
out.

“Have you seen him since?” Vic asked, “Seriously though lay down.”

I sighed and laid down, “No, I think I passed out. After they were all done
with the whipping part I kind of…HOLY SHIT!”

I screamed in pain and he pulled my shoulder back into socket. The pain was
pure and searing for just a second and then the pain in my shoulder started to
lessen turning into a dull ache. I sat up and rotated my shoulder other than
being slightly sore it was better, the weird stiff stinging pressure gone. I
sighed, “Thanks.”

“No problem, they made him watch?” Vic asked sitting down next to me but not
close enough we were touching his lips pursed as if when I responded he was
looking for a different answer then the one I was giving him. As if he were
looking for a truth I couldn’t see.

“Da and Hank and Leo hung me from a chain and hook from the ceiling by my arms.
They put one around my neck too and told Pat anytime he looked away they were
going to take my arms off the hook so I was only hanging from my neck. He
didn’t look away. It doesn’t matter what they did I only know because they
never choked me. I don’t think I passed out until Hank yanked on me so hard
that he fucked up my shoulder,” I answered.

“Why would they do that?” He asked me.

“Because I’m their toy,” I answered, “Pat told them they shouldn’t that they
needed to leave me alone and they didn’t want to listen to him so they …my skin
is crawling.”

“I know kid,” Vic sighed, “I know I want to check somethings because if they’ve
been relentless there is a good chance you are hurt in some places that…,” I
cut off Vic

“No, I won’t,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t. I’m sorry but I can’t.”

“Ok, so mentally I’m assuming you’re not doing too well,” Vic said.

“I’d rather be dead then have any of them ever touch me again. The things they
do, the things they want to do that I see written all over their faces when
they look at me. They make me want to disappear,” I answered honestly almost
crying as the words stumbled out of my mouth.

“I understand that,” Vic said slowly his expression a muted version of my own,
“You can’t hurt yourself though John if you do they will put you in a hospital
and convince everyone you are crazy. They will make your life hell just like
they are doing to your mum.”

“So, she’s in the mental hospital?” I asked and Vic nodded his head in reply,
“What is it like?”

“You can ask Pat next time you see him,” Vic said, “He’s been to the hospital
before. Not in a while but he can tell you what it’s like more or less. It’s
not pleasant however.”

“I don’t care,” I said, “If it gets them away from me I don’t care.”

“Just because you’re in the hospital doesn’t mean they won’t…when I was a kid
they had a guy in there on staff that was just like the rest of them. They
don’t make it easy they never make it easy. If you do it again though they’ll
lock you in someone’s basement for however long they think will work and they
will make sure you never try again or if you do that you don’t fail,” Vic said
in a measured tone.

“I don’t want them to touch me anymore, he… I hate them and I hate myself and I
hate everything about me. Why can’t I just not give in to them?” I asked Vic.

“You said he? Who is he?” Vic asked.

I felt my face growing hot, realizing I had singled someone out on accident. I
hadn’t meant to do that. I didn’t want him to know that I blamed one person
even though I hated just about all of them.

I didn’t want him to know how badly I hated my Da because it made me feel
guilty for some reason. Guilty that even though he was once a good person that
he wasn’t anymore and I thought it was because of me. I thought it was my fault
and that made me hate myself and him. Almost like if I had been someone
different someone other than myself that my Da wouldn’t be who he was, that he
wouldn’t do the things he did to me and to my siblings.

Vic sighed, “It’s ok to hate them you know? It’s ok to hate one of them more
than the rest. My dad when he started me out I was like 11. I couldn’t get it,
couldn’t wrap my head around it, I still can’t. I will never understand why he
did that to me. Why he didn’t love me enough to actually care about my
feelings. I will never understand why I don’t matter to him.”

“I just feel guilty for hating him,” I answered Vic honestly, sighing heavily,
“He didn’t used to be like he is now and he’s getting worse as I’m getting
older. It’s not right and I know it’s not right and I feel like if I wasn’t…” I
faltered, “If I wasn’t me it would be different.”

“No John, it wouldn’t be different,” Vic said after a moment of silence, “He’s
sick it wouldn’t matter if you were someone else his head is so screwed up he’d
probably still be the same way.”
“You don’t know that,” I said, “You don’t know it’s not me.”

“John bad people like your father will find any excuse to do whatever it they
want to get whatever it is they want. They don’t care about people they care
about themselves and will do anything to make themselves happy regardless of
how others feel about it. You know this deep down, know his behavior has
nothing to do with you. That if it wasn’t you it would be someone else and at
some point, it just very well might be someone else,” Vic said.

“I hope not,” I said, “I don’t want any of them to have to know what it feels
like to have more than one of them…” I trailed off my throat feeling like it
was closing up my whole body shaking.

I felt like the mask was on, the ear plugs, their hands grabbing at my hips, my
arms my knees. Their tongues gliding down my stomach onto other parts of my
body. I really couldn’t breathe I felt sick and then I thought of Leo just
thinking his name hurting, making everything worse. How he had said my body
belonged to him that I was amazing and beautiful and so tight. Before I knew
it, I was screaming my eyes closed tight my hands over my ears just screaming
and screaming as loud as I could.

Vic didn’t try to touch me, he didn’t talk to me, he didn’t do anything for the
longest time but just let me scream. Let me lay there curled in a ball
screaming until I couldn’t scream anymore. He only spoke to me when I was done
screaming, when I had finally calmed down enough to opened my eyes and even
though I still couldn’t hear him very well my hands still covering my ears it
sounded like he was speaking underwater the sound of the blood rushing through
my hands louder than his speech.

“You feel any better?” He asked.

“What?” I asked removing my shaking hands from my ears slowly.

“I asked if you felt any better,” he repeated looking at me closely.

“A little I guess,” I answered.

“You’ve been holding that in for a while huh?” He asked.

I just nodded my head in response. He was right I had been. Just not being able
to do it especially around Da, not having the time to breathe, let out that
scream made me feel beyond trapped. I didn’t know if the screaming really made
me feel any better but, it didn’t hurt anything especially because Vic was
willing to let me scream and not punish me for it or make me feel guilty for
doing it.

“I’m going to try and get them to leave you alone for a couple of days. I
recommend it however I can’t promise it,” Vic said and I nodded my head.

“That’s ok if it goes back to just him I think I’ll be ok,” I answered not
really looking at Vic.

“You mean just your dad?” Vic asked me.

“Yeah, he’s not violent he’s just…I don’t know,” I answered softly.

“Just because it doesn’t hurt and he’s not really violent doesn’t mean it
doesn’t do damage. Right now, you’re just surviving your putting up with it
because you have no choice you’re not doing it because you want to. Remember
that, ok kid?” Vic said looking at me.

“He doesn’t think that,” I answered.

“Yeah but he’s sick, he’s beyond sick normal dads don’t do this to their kids
ok? He might think you like it but that’s because he’s justified his behavior
in his own head it doesn’t mean what he thinks is the truth all right?” Vic
told me.

I nodded my head again. I didn’t believe him. I felt like it was me. It would
always be me but I stood up pulling the sheet with me so I wouldn’t be exposing
myself to Vic because even though I knew he didn’t see me that way and wouldn’t
treat me that way I still felt beyond exposed with just a sheet to cover me and
I walked out into the hallway where my Da was standing making me instantly
tense back up.

“You ok baby?” Da asked me walking towards me.

I averted my eyes avoiding his gaze because I knew how he was looking at me not
like a father should look at a son as I tried to keep breathing. I didn’t want
to feel his eyes on me making me naked the thoughts of what he wanted to do to
me plainly visible.
“Yeah, I’m ok,” I nodded my head not looking at him.

“Hey can I talk to you for a minute?” Vic asked my Da who nodded his head
walking over to the door Vic was holding open.

“You wait for me ok?” Da said.

I had no choice but to nod my head and sat down against the wall pulling my
knees up to my chest. I didn’t want him seeing me like this again but I knew
that if I didn’t obey him he might hurt me. I sat in the hallway waiting and
when him and Vic were done talking they exited the room.

“So, he dislocated your shoulder pretty bad huh baby?” He asked looking at me
from where I was on the floor.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as he reached out his hand to help me up. I
stared at it not taking it choosing instead to stay on the floor wrapped in the
sheet I was wearing.

He sighed heavily awkwardly dragging his hand through his hair to hide the fact
he had offered it to me and I had decided not to take up his offer of help,
“Vic said I should probably give you a couple of days that you’re probably torn
or at the very least very close to it and I have agreed. Three days all right?
I won’t touch anyone else I won’t let uncle Ben touch anyone else but when
those three days are up I want you back in bed with me ok?” He said.

“Ok Da,” I said still not looking at him. I sighed heavily just wishing he
would back away and give me some space wishing he would back away enough for
the caution sign to stop blinking loud inside my head.

“All right I’ll see Vic out and you can get dressed and then go upstairs and
shower ok,” he said motioning to Vic to follow him as they started heading up
the stairs.

I took a minute and then slowly stood allowing my legs to get used to holding
up my own body weight. I still felt sore standing for more than just a couple
of minutes and didn't know if I could make it up the stairs but knew if I
didn’t try I’d be stuck down there for god knew how long. I took the stairs
slowly one at a time a burn spreading up my tail bone and through my body with
each movement.

Every single cell from the waist down felt like it was in agony as I made it to
the very top of the steps having to stop for a minute my feet still feeling
unsteady my knees and thighs aching with as I climbed the next stair case to
get to the lift. I felt like every step took all of my effort and by the time I
got into the lift I felt like my whole body was screaming at me to lay down.
When the door opened, I took one step out of the lift and felt my legs give out
under me my knees and hands hitting the hard wood floor with a bang sending
more vibrations of pain through my body making me whimper.

“Are you ok?” I heard a small timid voice ask me as I heard tiny feet
scampering down the hallway towards me.

I looked up to see James coming toward me slowly and it made my chest tighten.
I didn’t want him to see me like this, to see me so weak and broken. I
swallowed hard pushing my emotions down, “Yeah bud, I’m ok I just fell.”

“Are you sure you’re ok?” He asked me standing in the hallway his face half
covered in shadow staring at me closely. I could feel the skepticism on his
face, like he didn’t believe me. Hell, I didn’t believe me.

“Yeah just give me a second bud,” I said slowly climbing to my feet. My knees
felt even stiffer the bruises starting to form there easily on top of the
already bruised skin of my thighs and calves. I sighed heavily standing up,
“Where is Will?” I asked James slowly.

“In his room, he said he was tired so he’s been sleeping all day,” he answered
me, “We asked him where you were but he just said you were busy and that you
would tell us later. Where were you?”

“Busy,” I answered simply thinking Will’s answer was probably the simplest and
easiest for him to understand, “I’m going to go talk to Will alone for a couple
minutes ok?”

“Ok, but why just busy what were you doing?” James asked me.

“Bud, it doesn’t matter ok? I’m going to talk to Will for a bit ok?” I said
tussling his hair with my hand as I walked past him to Will’s bedroom and
knocked on the door.

“Come in,” I heard Will moan.

“HOLY SHIT!” He said excitedly as I opened the door, “Are you ok?”

I just nodded my head, “You?” I asked slowly.

“Yeah, sore but yeah, I’m fine,” he answered, “What happened after they let us
go? You and Pat didn’t come up so I figured something crappy happened.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said shaking my head.

“Well you look super tired and I left there at 10am the morning and it’s now
nearly 11pm so whatever it was they kept you busy, what happened?” He asked
looking at me.

“Hank dislocated my shoulder. I ended up passing out woke up to Da spooning
with me huh, let’s see what else? Couldn’t get it up only reason why he
stopped, you need me to keep going or can I skip recalling every bit of foggy
horror inducing anxiety riddled memory now?” I asked him sitting down on the
foot of his bed.

“Yeah,” Will said swallowing, “Yeah, sorry.”

“Thank you, so, how are you?” I asked him.

“Not too bad tired like I said,” Will said, “Is it true what Cole told me that
some guys have sex to get the feeling of the handlers off them?”

“What do you mean?” I asked confused.

“That some guys just have a lot of sex so they don’t have to feel what the
handlers do to them anymore,” Will clarified.

“Some guys yeah,” I answered him, “I don’t personally. Right now, I think if
anyone touched me I would scream.”

“Does Cole do it often?” He asked me catching me off guard.

“Huh, you’d have to ask Cole that because I’m not really sure. I know after
Justin he’s kind of gone off the rocks a little bit but from what I understood
he was starting to get a little better from Pat’s emails but maybe I’m wrong I
don’t know. Why?” I answered.
“Does it work?” Will asked and I saw a look on his face that said he was
thinking of giving it a try.

“You’re 11 Will, no you’re not doing that I won’t let you,” I sighed shaking my
head.

“You’re 13 what’s your point?” Will asked me.

“At least get to the teen part of that first before you start fucking
everything that moves please? You know how much trouble you’ll be in you get
caught?” I asked him.

“A lot. I don’t really care at this point though I’m going to be honest,” Will
sighed looking at me, “It has to feel better then what they do and if it gets
them out from under my skin I’m good with that.”

I sighed sitting down on the bed thinking to myself “oh god I can’t believe I’m
doing this” but there I was getting ready to talk about sex with my brother,
“Ok,” I said, “The first time Pat ever…” I felt myself starting to blush just
thinking about it as Will sat up straighter staring at me closely.

“Wait you and Pat have…?” Will asked.

“Not like sex sex but, we’ve gotten friendly,” I admitted, “The first time I
ever let him…well, touch me like that was after a shower with Da and he felt
warm not cold, he felt, he didn’t make me hate myself or feel guilty about it
at all. It was nice, it was slow and calm and like I said warm like all of the
bad things they had ever forced me to do, just washed away like he took it from
my skin with his hands and made it like they never did anything bad to me.
After that though even knowing that’s what it’s going to feel like I get
nervous. I get scared because they’ve… Da and his friends, they’ve hurt me so
many times I instantly clam up I can’t… just thinking about his mouth going …”
I felt my face getting redder, “I can’t.”

“Like you can’t get it up or you can’t, as in the thought of him doing that
stuff just makes you panic?” Will asked looking at me.

“Panic,” I answered.

“I don’t think that’s weird. You make it sound nice but maybe you’re just
afraid it will remind you too much of other things and then you won’t want to
so you just skip it all together maybe?” Will said, “You think I shouldn’t
because of my age? Because you know that makes no sense what so ever
considering…it’s not anything I haven’t done before.”

“You’re my little brother,” I said, “You’re not supposed to have done that yet
I was supposed to keep that from happening to you and I couldn’t.”

“Didn’t we work on that with Jane? It’s not your job to protect us that’s Da’s
job that he has chosen to ignore,” Will answered, “You’re not supposed to
protect me or anyone else but yourself.”

“That’s easy to say and it’s logical yeah but, that doesn’t feel like the truth
Will. What am I supposed to do ignore that that is what feels right? That me
trying to keep you safe, is what feels right? I said.

“If it means no one can even grab your hand yeah because you need to be able to
do touch people. you have 9 kids besides me that depend on you right now that
need your love, your cuddles you can’t be freaking out every time someone goes
to hug you. Don’t think I didn’t notice your broken record and your shivering
when we were stuck down there. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you wouldn’t
take Pat’s hand. If you ever let anyone touch you it’s him and it will always
be him, you know that. If no one else could touch you again but one person it
would be him don’t think I don’t know that, don’t think I don’t see that. I’m
your brother John, I might be your baby brother but only by 2 years and you say
I even act more mature then you sometimes,” He said looking at me.

“Is it that obvious that I love him?” I asked feeling a slight panic in my
stomach remembering Da’s words that whatever was going on between Pat and I he
was watching it closely.

“He makes it very obvious, Pat. Not the way he touches you always but the way
he acts like it’s his sworn duty to try and protect you not as many people
would know if he wasn’t so protective of you but in his defense, you are kind
of broken,” Will said.

“Yeah, I have to call him,” I said quietly.

Will sighed watching my face and then put his head in his hands mumbling to
himself quietly before he looked at me closely, “They did something really bad,
didn’t they?”

“I’d rather keep that to myself if you don’t mind,” I answered shrugging.

“Jane said talking about it helps,” Will said looking at me.

“It doesn’t help me like it does you, it just makes me anxious ok Will? I don’t
like talking about it because then I feel it and I don’t want to feel it,” I
said, “Ok?

“Was what they did earlier when they let Cole and I leave to punish him?” Will
asked.

I felt it flash across my face, the feelings I was trying so hard to hide from
him. The things I didn’t want to talk about. I swallowed hard trying not to
remember, not the remember the feeling of my arms staying in place as my body
was pulled down and backwards by my hips, the feeling of not having control. Of
my feet not being able to reach the ground no matter how stretched out my body
felt. I didn’t want to think about how hard that had to be for him to watch,
him to hear because I knew I had to have screamed, made some sound at some
point.

Will stared at me quietly waiting for an answer and when I didn’t give one he
sighed, “Da’s done that to me you know? Hurt you to punish me,” Will said not
looking at me, “When we got home he wanted me to do things with him and I told
him no. He then went to the airport to pick you up. He told me he would… that
he would blow you right in front of everyone if I said no but I didn’t believe
him until he…grabbed you like that. I felt so guilty that it was going to be
all my fault. I couldn’t believe that he would actually do it until he almost
did.” Will said no looking me in the eyes.

“I felt that,” I answered thinking back to that moment, “The way you looked at
us, at him when he…”

“John, you’re ok, don’t cry please don’t cry I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for him
to do that to you ok I’m sorry,” Will said.

Before I could stop myself I was rocking back and forth hugging myself, trying
to sooth myself. Trying to calm myself down. I didn’t want to think about the
way he had grabbed me in front of them, how he had made me kiss him like that.
How two days later he had actually followed through with his threat that he had
made to both me and Will.

“John, I’m sorry please, God I’m so sorry,” Will said I heard his voice break.
Just hearing his voice falter, shake like he was about to start crying helped
snap me out of it help bring me back.

“No, I’m sorry I, I don’t like thinking about it,” I answered, “He does that to
me you know? He tries but I don’t let him. He threatens to go get someone else
all the time and I just don’t let him. I swallow my pride and I…”

“Wait are you saying you…,” Will asked me.

Now I felt my face go warm and I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I shrugged my
shoulders in response. What was I supposed to say I just laid there and let him
fuck me? That I got into whatever position he told me he wanted me and let him
use me? I didn’t know what to say at that point.

“I’m sorry you have to make that choice. You shouldn’t have to do that,” Will
answered.

I shrugged my shoulders again. I didn’t know what to say. That he was right
because that was the truth, that I hated myself because of it? As far as I was
concerned the conversation was over.

“I should go call Pat,” I said and Will nodded.

“Go call him, and then you should probably take a shower,” He said making me
aware that I hadn’t showered since they had started that I probably smelt like
spit and cum and sex. Making me feel self-conscious.

When I stood up this time my legs felt steadier, still tired but steadier. Each
step hurting a little less than they had before. I got to the upstairs kitchen
and sat down at the table taking the phone from the cradle and dialing Pat’s
home number. I felt my breath already catch in my chest hoping against hope
that I wouldn’t heard hanks voice that if I did I could actually speak into the
phone without choking on my own voice. The phone rang twice and then someone
picked up.

“Hello?” Cole answered.

“Hey, it’s me can I talk to Pat?” I asked him.

“Huh,” Cole said slowly, “I don’t know if he’ll talk he hasn’t said anything
since Hank dragged him home. What the hell happened?”

“It doesn’t matter can you just put him on the phone even if he won’t say
anything? Please?” I asked Cole softly.

“All right,” Cole answered and I could hear how tired he sounded, “I’m taking
the phone to our room I’ll hand it to him but if he doesn’t say anything don’t
feel bad all you can do is try again in the morning.”

“Ok,” I said.

“All right here he is,” Cole said and then I heard Cole hand the phone over and
someone breathing into it.

“Hi Babe, are you ok?” I asked softly.

“Are you?” He asked me.

“I’ll be fine. Vic came by. He fixed my shoulder I’m a little sore but
otherwise I’m ok. I want to make sure you are ok,” I answered.

“You’re not mad at me? You know they wouldn’t have done that if…” He started
but I cut him off.

“We all knew they wanted to hurt me, it wouldn’t have mattered whether you were
there or not. What you did, what you said they didn’t care. They did it because
they wanted to it had nothing to do with you,” I answered him.

“Are you sure about that?” He asked me.

“Yes, I’m sure, I just wish you were,” I said softly.

“As long as you aren’t mad at me after everything because I couldn’t stand it
if …you hated me,” He answered softly.

“I could never hate you Pat,” I answered, “Never. It’s not possible. I could
never hate you not ever.”
“You sure?” He asked timidly.

I had never heard him sound so scared, so desperate. He was really afraid I was
going to be angry with him for trying to defend me for trying to protect me and
what they had done to me in order to punish him, to punish us. I could never
have hated him I loved him too much was too desperate for him to love me back.
For him to want to put his hands on my skin, to send that warm rush of comfort
through my body and into each cell of my being. If I could have at that moment
I would have devoured him, enveloped him allowed him to have every inch of me
as his hands trailed along my skin even the places that made me blush when I
thought about him touching me there.

“There’s not a single doubt in my mind. I could never hate you, I mean it,” I
said.

“Ok,” He said and I finally heard the smile in his voice again, “Can I see you
tomorrow?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “I hope so Vic convinced my Da to give me a break
so hopefully. I’ll ask though.”

“Ok well, call me and let me know,” He said, “I have to go but, you know how I
feel about you. Goodnight.”

“Yeah, same goodnight,” I said waiting for the dial tone to sound before I got
up and shuffled over to the cradle putting the phone back.

I walked back to my room slowly feeling butterflies in my chest. He had
actually thought I would be angry with him? They had gotten into his head that
drastically that he believes I would blame him for what they did.

The thought just made me angry and anxious, made my blood boil. He didn’t
deserve that. No one deserved that. I walked into my bedroom turning on my
bathroom light and peeling the old smelly clothes from my body that I had only
put on to get upstairs. Just taking my clothes off hurt more than putting them
on had.

I couldn’t see my back but I knew it didn’t look good only a bit of dried blood
visible near my hip in what looked like a long thin cut almost like someone had
taken a knife to my back the line raised and red angry like welts with the slim
red line gently hiding in-between. I sighed. So, that’s what a whipping looked
like, a real whipping. Each movement sent a burning pain through my shoulders
and up my spine along with the dull ache that continued in my shoulder and
through my arm. I hated to think of what I actually look like almost afraid to
look in the mirror but I managed to take a deep breath and look up at myself
for just a brief moment no matter how much I hated that reflection and what I
saw was a horror story written on my body in marks both temporary and ones that
would become permanent.

First I looked at my chest the new scratch marks laying there not too bad
already starting to fade into the old ones and then I looked at my neck. It
looked like someone had taken a baseball and slammed it hard against my neck
leaving a bruise on nearly the entire right side. It was black and painful
looking not like a normal hickey but like one that was on steroids.

I sighed. How on earth was I supposed to ever leave the actual house like this?
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, that was probably exactly what my Da
was thinking anyway. To bruise and batter me as much as he possibly could so I
would be too mortified to actually leave the house so he could use me whenever
he wanted.

I couldn’t look anymore and turned away starting the water adjusting it so it
was as hot as I could stand. I climbed in slowly, the water feeling good on my
aching muscles my whole body feeling thankful. I sat in the bottom of the tub
letting the water pour over me wash away the grime, sweat and spit, the dried
blood, the filth and leave me raw leave me exposed but new and unused if only
for a few minutes. I heard my bedroom door banging open and it made me jump.
For a second I wasn’t sure what to think and then I heard a voice.

“He won’t leave him alone you have to come help John please you have to help
him, he can’t deal with it, he’s locked himself in his bathroom and he won’t
come out because he’s up here and Will knows what he’s going to do please
John,” Mike begged me.
“What?” I asked, my brain not quiet processing what Mike was telling me.

“Uncle Ben won’t leave Will alone,” Mike said, “Help him please?”

“Shit, yeah I’m coming hold on,” I said reaching my hand through the curtain
and grabbing a towel pulling it around my waist before heading down the
hallway.

When I got to Will’s room Uncle Ben was slamming into the bathroom door
repeatedly and I could hear Will’s muffled crying coming from the bathroom. He
needed a break as badly as I did. I knew he needed one he had been down there
in the basement with me for how many days, had the same guys do things to him.
His trauma having him feeling the same things I did. I knew he needed a break
and that was the reason he had locked himself in the bathroom and was trying to
shut Ben out, to get some space from him.

“Ben what are you doing?” I asked him sighing getting his attention his eyes
flashing up and down my frame making me aware of how exposed I really was.

“I just wanted to…” he trailed off looking at me licking his lips, “God damn
Johnny.”

“Leave them alone. Will needs a break. You need leave him and everyone else
alone, all right?” I said folding my arms across my chest.

“You going to entertain me instead?” He asked turning away from the door and
towards me, taking a step causing me to back up.

“Dr. Palmer said I needed a break for medical reasons,” I said, “Da’s not even
supposed to…”

“Oh well, what if I just focused on you? Would that be fun?” He said still
walking towards me making me tense.

“I-I-I huh, I don’t think that’s what Dr. Palmer meant,” I managed to stutter
as I started backing out the door slowly.

“Who said Dr. Palmer or Connor need to know?” He asked me raising his eyebrows,
“You know it’d be fun, me nestled between your legs, licking, sucking…” He
trailed off licking his lips.

I didn’t know what to say the very thought making my skin crawl, making me
nervous. However, I knew what his next words would probably be, basically I do
it or he’d make someone else do it. I didn’t want him touching me, his hands on
my skin. I swallowed, gulped as he closed the distance between us me backing up
even more so we were out in the hallway.

I closed my eyes and shook my head, almost like shaking my head would clear my
thoughts make the moment not real. I didn’t don’t what to do but I felt stuck
12:15am and I felt stuck like I so often did. I didn’t want his mouth on me
again but I felt like I had no choice that it was either me or one of my
brothers. I nodded my head slowly.

“Really? You’ll let me?” He asked smiling. I sighed.

“What? NO!” Mikey moaned, “You can’t John you can’t let him do that that’s
gross!”

“I…,” I stopped trying to stumble over my words and just shrugged my shoulders
the injured one aching slightly as it moved up and down.

“Come on Johnny, let’s go to your bedroom huh?” He said putting his hand in the
center of my bare chest and pushing be back into the wall behind me rubbing up
against me like a cat might making me gasp in surprise.

I felt like I was being suffocated as he grabbed me by the hand and lead me
back down the hallway to my room, like all the air was being forced out of the
surrounding area as he shut my bedroom door and locked it behind him. I
swallowed as he looked at me. My whole body freezing up as I sat on the bed and
he grabbed the towel pulling it away so I was exposed.

I didn’t know what to do the cold panic rising from my toes and up my legs into
my chest making it hard for any air to pass into my body, to give my brain
energy to think as he pulled my knees apart and laid his head in-between them.
I exhaled deeply readying myself for that engulfing warm feeling to take over
my senses, pushing the cold fire up through my body and past everything else to
the point where it overwhelmed me. Causing me to gasp when it finally hit. The
only think I could do was make sure I kept breathing as my body started shaking
his tongue working its dark magic making me wish I could die.

Somehow, I managed to stay silent. Letting him do what he wanted to, manipulate
me the way he wanted to my toes curling, my head thrown back as I fisted my
sheets to keep myself from screaming. From crying and begging him to stop.

The whole time I felt like I was being suffocated. My body responding in ways I
didn’t want it to. When he decided he was done, he climbed/crawled up my body
and laid on top of me his hands rubbing up and down my sides from my ribs to my
hips making me feel sick to my stomach.

“You’re amazing you know that?” He asked looking at me while I tried to avoid
his gaze, “You were made for this. You taste so good and you’re so beautiful.
Connor really has a hard time sharing you. Especially with me you know that?”

I exhaled heavily. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want his fingers
running across my skin.

I didn’t want him to tell me what I feared most. That I really was Da’s. To
reaffirm that that was all I would ever be, that my body would never belong to
me. I wanted him to stop talking.

“You know how much a night with you cost someone? Around 25,000 dollars. And
that’s not even a night alone. You’re very desired. If you embraced it your Da
would eventually give you the money. I think your worth every penny. You and
that beautiful cock of yours. You have no idea how good you taste. It’s amazing
really,” he said breathing hard against the neck on my skin.

I pushed up hard against him trying to get him off me but found he was too
strong for me to even really move. I hated being talked about like I was an
object. I hated hearing them say that I tasted good, that I had a beautiful
cock. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and still kept trying to struggle and he
just laughed.

“What’s wrong? Don’t like me talking about it? It’s your truth it’s always
going to be your truth so why fight it?” He taunted.

“Stop,” I begged, “I don’t…just stop.”

“I’m not even really doing anything. Just touching is that so bad?” He said
kissing into my collar bone, his hands pinning my arms down by the wrists.

“Please, I don’t want to,” I begged. Feeling desperate for some space, some
air.

“What if I want more? Isn’t that my right?” He asked me his hands digging into
my hips as he started kissing down the center of my chest.

“Please you already did,” I begged straining against him his arms feeling like
a lead pipe laid over top of mine making it hard to move, making every bit of
struggle feeling fruitless.

“But you taste so good,” he said as his kisses reached my belly button he then
looked up and started laughing, “Must feel good huh because you are literally
glowing red Johnny.”

“Stop, stop please, I don’t want to, please just don’t,” I begged straining
harder against his body, his hands.

“Relax I’ll make it feel really good,” he muttered his tongue dipping into my
belly button before he started sucking at it sending that cold chill back up my
spine.

“Please, I really don’t want to you already did please,” I pleaded with him to
stop.

This wasn’t right. None of this felt right why didn’t he get that? Why could he
understand I didn’t want him touching me like that? That it made me want to
die.

Why couldn’t he just leave me alone, leave us alone? I wanted to scream but I
knew that if I did it would only attention to what was happening from my
siblings and they didn’t need to know what was going on. They didn’t need to
walk in and see that. I sighed closing my eyes as his tongue slid down my
length making me upset. This nervous energy catching in my chest. I didn’t want
this, I didn’t want his hands on my skin spreading cold fire making me hate
myself and hate everything I was.

I bit my lips in order to keep myself from screaming and crying as he took me
in his mouth again. I hated him and I hated me more. My whole body betraying me
giving him what he wanted, what he kept saying was so good about me. When he
was done he kissed my hip as I laid there. I gasped hoping he would just leave
and quit talking. Hoping he would quit tormenting me by telling me what I was.

“After your healed I’m going to ride your ass so hard you won’t even be able to
think about sitting down without being in pain,” he muttered kissing my jaw and
getting up, “I should collect your jizz in a jar and sell it by the ounce it’s
so sweet.”
“Could you not?” I asked raising a disgusted eyebrow at him as he got up off of
me and straightening his clothes out where they seemed ruffled.

“You know that’s why Hank wanted that cup right? It’s almost like drinking a
smoothie it’s so sweet and tasty, you’re really good and you have no idea. Why
do you think every guy your daddy let’s have you wants to suck you dry? It’s
really fucking amazing, like you have no idea. Wow, that makes you shy huh? You
should be proud about it not upset,” He said laughing when my face started to
go red as he got up and walked away.

I grabbed the blankets under me and rolled myself into a blanket burrito. I
didn’t want to think about that part of my body. What my…ejaculate tasted like.
Just thinking about it made me feel sick almost like I had gotten kicked in the
chest by a horse.

So, that’s why they wouldn’t leave me alone because they enjoyed the taste of
my cum? That was beyond gross. I mean if I really thought about it Pat didn’t
taste bad at all not by a long shot but me? Everyone thought I tasted good? I
didn’t see it.

I tossed and turned that night. All of the Ben’s words bouncing around my head
about how I tasted good how I was amazing and how people paid 25,000 dollars to
fuck me once and that wasn’t even just one on one but probably for the group
stuff my Da put me through. I felt beyond gross just thinking about it. That
that was how much I was worth, my body was worth. I had such a hard time
sleeping that night I finally gave up and climbed out of bed around 7. I felt
like shit. After I showered and dressed I went to the kitchen upstairs to grab
some cereal and found Alice there making French toast, bacon and eggs.

“Morning,” she said smiling at me warmly.

“Yeah, do we have any coffee?” I asked quietly.

She looked at me and snorted lightly, “Coffee? Boy you are too young for
coffee. You can have some orange juice,” she said pouring some into a glass for
me and sliding it towards me on the counter, “I don’t know what your Daddy has
been teaching you kids but you are too young for coffee it will stunt your
growth.”

“You know what he is don’t you?” I asked as she turned to the stove to check on
the French toast her whole body freezing, “If you know why work for him?” I
asked her.

“I’m not sure I understand your meaning but, you have to understand money is
money honey and I need to make a living for my family. Teaching your brothers
how to take care of themselves and your sisters while I look the other way gets
me good money that I otherwise wouldn’t have. It’s not that I don’t care it’s
that I can’t afford to,” She said looking at me sadly.

I just shook my head, “You know what they are doing though don’t you? Where I
was yesterday, where I usually am. Do you not care?”

“You’re a big boy Johnathan if you really didn’t want it to happen it wouldn’t.
Remember that. If you really didn’t want it to happen you could always say no
and I’m sure they would leave you alone,” She answered me without turning
around to look at me.
I was speechless. She thought this was my fault? That I wanted them to do those
things to me? I told them no all the time.

I Constantly begged them to leave me alone and yet apparently she thought I
wanted them to do those things? To make my skin crawl and never stop? She
thought this was something I was willing to do.

“I’m not allowed to,” I said quietly for some reason.

It didn’t make sense to me at the time but it almost just came out on its own.
Because I never was allowed to tell my Da no because if he even felt a hint of
a no he promised to go to someone else, or hurt me or pass me off to someone
who would be a million times worse. He always knew what to say to get what he
wanted from me whether that was me on my stomach underneath him or his head
between my legs as I laid there limp trying to fight nature. He always knew how
to get me to relent, to do what he wanted me to.

“If you put up a fight I’m sure they wouldn’t do those things though, just
saying,” She said again.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Thanks.”

“No problem you want some food, I can whip you up some oatmeal your Dad wants
me to feed you different from everyone else only lord knows why,” She said.

“No, I’m not hungry. Thanks though,” I answered putting my empty glass of
orange juice on the counter.

I felt sick to my stomach again. She thought this was my fault. That I …it was
mind numbing and not in a good way. I went to my room and I stayed there for a
while. Sitting on my bed for a while. Before I knew it, there was a knock on my
door.
“Come in,” I answered numbly expecting one of the kids but instead Pat was
there smiling at me sheepishly.

“Hey,” he said coming and slowly sitting down on the foot of my bed.

“Hi,” I said quietly and he frowned slightly at me.

“What’s going on?” He asked me.

“Nothing,” I answered.

“Rabbit, I see it in your face, what’s going on? What are you thinking about?”
He asked me.

“The new nanny said that if I fought harder they wouldn’t…Do I not fight
enough?” I asked him.

“You fight more than enough Rabbit. She actually said that to you?” Pat said
his mouth wide in shock, “Rabbit I know you don’t want them to do what they do
and anyone who can’t see that is living in some fucked up and twisted world and
isn’t worth your time ok? That makes me beyond angry that she thinks she has
the right to say anything like that to anyone.”

“Maybe she’s right,” I said quietly, “Uncle Ben he said that…” I swallowed not
looking Pat in the face, not wanting him to see me cry, “That I’m worth 25,000
dollars.”

“What? Sorry Rabbit I’m slightly confused what do you mean you’re worth 25,000
dollars?” Pat asked.

“That’s how much my Da charges when someone wants to spend time with me,” I
answered, “That’s for group stuff, with my Da too or whatever it’s more when
they want to be alone.”

“Oh Rabbit, he just told you that because he wanted it in your head,” Pat said,
“You don’t even know if it’s true or not. In my opinion your priceless.”

“I’m his whore Pat,” I answered, “I’m his whore that’s what I am he just… I
don’t know.”

“Babe, you are no one’s whore ok? This, him it’s what you do because you have
to, you do it to survive not because you want to, not because it’s a choice
your making or you enjoy it but because if you don’t it’s going to be worse and
you know that. You know if you ever said no he would lock you in that basement
for god knows how long. He probably didn’t even want to give you the three days
he’s giving you. I know you know that. Don’t be stupid don’t think you’re doing
this because you want to. Just because some bitch said you don’t fight hard
enough. She has no idea how hard you fight it’s not her life, it’s yours,” Pat
said taking my hands in his and squeezing them his eyes on me.

“I’m tired all the time and it seems no matter what I do he always gets what he
wants,” I said feeling my face heat up just thinking about how my body always
responded positively to his touches how he was always able to make me climax,
make my body shudder with orgasm.

“Well, we’re teenage boys John we kind of…hell sometimes people don’t even have
to touch us and we…it’s normal is what I’m trying to say,” Pat said his cheeks
darkening slightly.

“It’s not normal that every one of my Da’s friends want to suck my dick,” I
said looking at him.

“I didn’t mean that was normal I meant the, them being able to make you cum.
That’s pretty normal,” Pat said.

“You know why they like to?” I asked barely able to glance at Pat.

“Because they are freaks who get off on making people hate themselves? At least
that’s my theory why?” Pat asked.

“Ben told me it’s … I taste sweet,” I answered feeling my cheeks glow red.

“What?” Pat asked frowning before a look of realization crossed his face, “Oh.
Well, I don’t really have experience with that exactly. I don’t believe that’s
any excuse to force you to do that though.”

“I don’t want to be this anymore. I don’t want to be me,” I sighed heavily
letting go of Pat’s hands and pulling my knees into my chest resting my elbows
on top of them and then resting my head on my arms watching Pat closely as he
watched me. His eyes full of worry, hopelessness like I had never seen before.
He sat there looking at me just watching me intently.

“What?” I asked shrugging my shoulders.

“I’m just worried about you,” He answered honestly, “Wish I could do something
to make this better.”

“You’re here,” I answered, “That’s all that matters is that you’re here. Even
if I can’t stand myself, living if you’re here I feel like I’ll be ok.”

“You’re not acting like it. Will told me what happened last night when he let
me in. About Ben, is that when he said that to you?” Pat asked me.

I bit my bottom lip and nodded my head. I didn’t want to talk about that
anymore. what he had done to me. What he had told me while he had his arms
curled around my legs his head in my crotch as he put his mouth on me as he
made my insides drown in cold fire. I sighed trying to block it out, move past
it not think about it.

“You really don’t blame me for what happened earlier? Yesterday I mean,” He
asked me looking at me closely.

“No. They would have anyway. I mean you were there you saw how they were
acting. I was going to get the short straw no matter what. They wanted me no
matter what. I think he plans to punish me as much as he can until school
starts and then we’ll see I guess,” I answered.

“School is only 2 weeks out,” Pat said looking at me, “I had to go see Gus
after I was done at your house, He spent the night. It was the first time he’s
ever done that.”

“Gus?” I asked confused for a second and then nodded my head, “McClairen?”

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head, “It’s…weird. I understand why you hate it so
much it feels like you can’t breathe when they…”

“Hold you?” I asked and he nodded his head, “Yeah it feels like a fucking
boulder sitting right on your chest and you just want to scream and you can’t.”

“Exactly,” Pat said.

Pat sighed thoughtfully and then gave me a look that made me frown in confusion
before he run a nervous hand through his black hair, “Hey, how’s your back?”

“My back?” I asked raising an eyebrow, “Are you just trying to get my undressed
or something? Right now I don’t really feel anything from it however I am not
laying on my back so that’s probably why.”

“No, I’m not trying to get you undressed just they…I,” Pat swallowed, “I was
awake and watching even after you passed out you know?”

I nodded my head not wanting to think about what he had seen. What they had
made him watch just because he had tried to protect me. Because he had cared
enough to offer himself up instead so he could spare me some pain. Because he
loved me.
Pat got on his knees scooting closer to me where I was sitting on the pillows
my arms still wrapped around my knees I was still clutching to my chest looking
at him closely as he inched his way towards me slowly. When he got close enough
we could be touching he stopped careful to not touch me without asking, to keep
his hands where I could see them. He nodded his head at me as if to ask if he
could and I nodded my head and bit my bottom lip lightly in reply.

I knew he wouldn’t hurt me that his hands might even feel good but my whole
body still felt nervous that static and tingle still traveling up and down my
spine because of all the things they had done. He leaned forward his upper body
closing the distance between us as we sat there leaning against each other
forehead to forehead and we stared at each other my breath feeling fluttery,
light, excited and anxious as his left hand gently clasped the back of my neck
his fingertips pressing gently into my skin making my heart quicken.

Just his hands on me made me feel warm and safe even though life was anything
but, the wanting ache his fingers managed to spread into my soul making me
nervous making me doubt myself. He kissed my cheek as he messaged the back of
my neck lightly his hands making me relax into him like melting butter as I
sighed heavily into his neck. His grasped my shoulders lightly pulling back
away from me before taking the hem of my shirt in his hands and slowly lifting
it off of my body.
I allowed him to remove it throwing it over my head as he continued to massage
my biceps leaning in and kissing the bruises along them the touch of his lips
tingling against my skin in a good way as they barely brushed past each bruise
as if he were counting them and down my arms making me sigh his fingers lightly
caressing each scar and mark upon my flesh. I laid down as he climbed on top of
me, his hands up against my rib cage his fingers tracing my body making me gasp
lightly my eyes going wide as he moved to straddle me and my hands gently went
to his waist. He stopped staring at me, eyes wide.

“Is this ok?” He asked me quietly, looking for assurance.

I nodded my head and then swallowed, “Yeah I think this is ok, your hands feel
good. They make me forget…”

“Damn it,” Pat said slightly frustrated his brow furrowing, “I don’t want this
to be us. I don’t want to be a fix so you don’t have to feel them. I want to
be…” I cut off his words with a kiss.

“You’re not just something to erase them with Pat, you’re so much more. You
make me feel almost normal, happy. If all you were was touches, and kisses I
couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let you climb on top of me without having a major
panic attack,” I said rubbing his thighs through his jeans that laid on each
side of my waist, “You’re so much more than just touching. I love you more then
I’ll ever be able to describe.”

“Are you sure?” He asked me quietly looking deeply into my eyes his ice blue
breaking into my soul, finding something there and nodding his head along with
mine before he leaned back in and kissed me as I wrapped my arms around his
back and shoulders holding him close against my bare chest my tongue finding
its way into his mouth, making him moan softly as I started tracing shapes on
his back through his shirt his hands still against my side, against my ribs
making something inside me flutter as I smiled lightly.

At that moment I heard the door opening and Pat shuffled to get off of me
before someone saw however there was James staring at us wide-eyed mouth agape.
At first, he looked shocked and then slightly confused as I looked over and
noticed Pat’s red face probably an identical shade to my own.

“Hi James,” Pat said sheepishly.

“What are you doing?” James asked still frowning at us.

“We were talking,” I answered looking around me frantically for my shirt which
I couldn’t find.

“Without your shirt?” James asked the confused look on his face growing.

“Yeah,” I answered not sure how to address the situation.

“It looked like he was…,” James went quiet averting his eyes, “You know like
when Da…”

“Well, huh,” I said looking at Pat.

“I think I’m going to go check out what video game Matt and Mike are playing,”
Pat said running a hand through his hair his face still beaming red.

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea,” I said nodding my head as Pat got up and
moved swiftly past James who was still standing in the door way, “Hey bud, come
here,” I said patting the empty spot now beside me on the bed, “You’re not in
trouble I’m going to try very hard to explain something.”

“So, he wasn’t hurting you?” James asked coming and sitting next to me
cautiously.

“No, he wasn’t hurting me. I’m not sure how to explain this,” I said sighing,
“You know huh, crap,” I muttered.

“I’m confused,” James said.

“Me too bud,” I said my face getting even redder, “You remember how you used to
go to day care and they had both boys and girls at day care and sometimes two
of your friends one boy and one girl would say they were boyfriend and
girlfriend?” I started.
“Yeah,” He said, “What does that have to do with talking to Pat with your shirt
off?”

“Well, you know how they used to hold hands and sometimes even hug or kiss each
other on the cheek? Pat was pretty much kissing me on the cheek.” I answered.

“No, he was he was doing what Da does, I’m not stupid why would you let him do
that?” James said looking at me.

“You know how sometimes you’re ok with Mum kissing you and hugging you but it
doesn’t feel right when Da does it? Or how you have people at school you’re ok
with hugging you or high fiving you and other people you don’t want them to do
that, it’s like that when Pat touches me. It doesn’t feel bad like when Da does
it so sometimes I let him hug me and stuff. He always asks me if it’s ok and if
I tell him it’s not he doesn’t do it because he cares about me but, it doesn’t
feel the same as when Da does that.”
“So, he does what Da does to you but it doesn’t scare you?” James asked me and
I just bit my lip and nodded my head, “But does it hurt like when Pat sticks
his…” I stopped James from talking.

“We haven’t done that exactly and that’s something you do when you’re older
with someone you love, your boyfriend or girlfriend but we kiss a lot. We
cuddle. We were cuddling and kissing.” I answered.

“So, you don’t do with him what you do with Da?” James asked.

“No but, if I wanted to it would be more normal then when Da makes me do that
stuff with him. You understand?” I asked.

“Well you said it’s not normal before for Da and Uncle Ben to do those things,
touch us like that but it’s normal for people to do it with someone else?”
James asked to clarify.

“When they love someone yeah. When it’s someone they want to spend all their
time with and whenever they aren’t around they think about them and want to
tell them everything. Someone they can’t imagine being without then yeah, it’s
normal when they are old enough to want to touch each other like that. Make
each other feel nice things if both people want to do that,” I answered.

“So, you’re supposed to touch each other’s privates?” James ask his eyes
widening in surprise.

“If you feel that way about each other and you’re old enough and you both want
to then yes,” I answered.

“Are you old enough?” James asked looking at me, “I mean I know you’re old but
you’re not like mum and Da old just a little old.”

“Oh well thanks,” I sighed trying not to laugh at the fact a seven-year-old
thought a 13-year-old me was old, “I don’t know if I’m old enough but that’s
why we just kiss.” I told a little white lie.

“So, he wasn’t hurting you?” James asked again.

“No, he wasn’t hurting me Bud, I’m ok really,” I answered, “He wouldn’t have
done it if I hadn’t of told him it was ok.”

“You swear?” He asked me.

“Promise you can ask him if you want alone I’m sure, he’ll be honest with you.
Pat would never force me to do anything I didn’t want. I promise Pat cares a
lot about me just like I care about him,” I answered.

James looked at me and then stood up throwing his arms around my neck, “Ok I
believe you,” He said, “Can we go play video games now?”

“Yes,” I said smiling, “Yes we can go play some video games.”

I followed James towards the living room sighing with relief that the
conversation was over. It was one of the more mortifying conversations I have
ever had with any of my siblings. Looking back, he was probably the first one
to walk in on some of my alone time that was that intense. When I walked into
the living room I was surprised to see my Uncle there sitting next to Pat who
looked at me a tight smile on his face his hands curled into fist at his sides
as Matt and Mike played a video game. James stopped, staring closely at Uncle
Ben and then took a step or two back bumping into me.

“You’re ok I’m not here to hurt anyone just hang out Jamie,” Ben said looking
past James and at me.

Someone coughed behind me causing me to turn my attention. It was Will leaning
in the door way his body language tense even has he tried to give off the
impression he was relaxed, “Why was I not invited to the party?” Will asked.

“No party,” I answered.

“Really?” Ben asked, “Looks like one to me does your Da know he’s here?” He
asked cocking his head in Pat’s direction who was still sitting right next to
him.

“I don’t know, I just kind of came over,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders
trying to appear calm when I could tell really inside he was slightly
panicking.

“What about you Johnny? You know if your Da knows that he is here or not?” He
asked me standing up causing half the room to flinch and the other half to take
several steps back from him.

“I’m not really sure?” I answered unsure of what type of answer he was looking
for.

“You want him to find out? I’m not sure he’d be too happy after Wednesday and
what happened,” Uncle Ben said an evil smile spreading across his face.

I felt like he had punched me as his eyes raked my frame causing me to freeze
up folding my arms across my chest. I knew what he wanted and I didn’t want to
give it to him. I didn’t want his hands on me, his mouth. I felt like I
couldn’t breathe.

I closed my eyes taking a deep breath trying to keep myself from shaking.
Before I knew it Pat and Will were both in front of me when I opened my eyes
and James was behind me his little arms wrapped around my waist hugging my
tightly. I felt like I couldn’t breathe feeling weak and stupid knowing they
were around me trying to protect me, comfort me.

“You can deal with me if you like,” Pat said bravely pulling his shoulders back
making himself look taller.

“What if I want to deal with him?” Ben asked.

“He’s taking a break,” Will answered, “You really want to play this game there
are how many of us and one of you? Really?”

“You think I can’t take on two 13-year old’s an 11-year-old, 2 nine-year old’s
and a seven-year-old really? I bench 250 pounds’ kids I’m sure that’s your
combined weight if that,” Ben scoffed.

“Correction one 14-year-old,” Pat said, “And you think I won’t fight for him?
You are sorely mistaken.”

“Why because you’re in love with him? Have you actually gotten into his pants
yet? Not that that’s allowed but, just curious.” Ben said smirking as Pat’s
face fell, “Is that a yes or a no?”

“We’re just friends!” I shouted exasperated. I hated lying but it was the only
way to ensure our survival.

“Why is he so fucking protective of you then? If he’s not,” Ben eyes drifted
downward to where my crotch would have been if Pat hadn’t been standing in
front of me and bit his lip, “Well…”

I felt my face go red afraid he was going to tell all of my little brothers
about the certain appeal I apparently held. I didn’t want to think about it. I
didn’t want to think about how my body was so desired by him and a lot of the
other handlers my Da chose to hang around with.

“Because he’s my best friend, he’s like my brother and I will do anything to
protect him from you and anyone else who wants to touch him when he’s not cool
with it, got it?” Pat hissed.

“What is he talking about?” Mike asked looking at me from the floor where him
and Matt were sitting watching.

“Who?” Will asked confused.

“Uncle Ben,” Mike asked, “If he’s not what?”

“Well,” Uncle Ben said, “Johnny here is special, very special he has really
great…”

“Math skills,” Will said cutting uncle Ben off, “Whatever it is you are going
to say I’m very sure they don’t need to hear so don’t even all right?”

“Fine mama, whatever,” Ben said laughing slightly at his joke, “Like they don’t
know what it is look who they are. Look at their life, I’ve been inside every
one of them including that little piece right back there,” He said pointing a
finger at James who clutched me more tightly.

“Stop,” I said, “This is enough ok? You need to stop.”

“You going to give me what I want? Or should I grab the kid attached to your
hip Johnny? Your choice,” Ben said smiling at me, “I mean he’s not quite there
yet but maybe he’ll taste as good as you do once he hits that point how old
were you the first time you came? 10? 11? What were you doing exactly
masturbating? Or were you at home on vacation? Was it Daddy? Did he make you
cum for the first time?”

Mike walked up to me, “He’s talking about the white stuff, right?” He asked me.

“Hey, shut up!” Will said as my brain started to go fuzzy.

Pat turned to check on me and I remember his eyes getting really big and he
said something but I don’t remember what he said. I remember feeling like the
world was blinking in and out of focus and then I just remember feeling really
sick to my stomach. Darkness claiming me.
***** 8 *****
Chapter Summary
     John gets Vic called on him because he fainted and Vic's check up
     turns horribly awkward leaving John devastated and feeling betrayed.
     Pat shortly after leaving the house comes back in order to offer
     emotional support on the insistence of a terrified Will who is
     worried about his brothers emotional stability.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 132 to 146 Warnings: Rape/non-con, mental health issues, talk
     of suicidal thoughts, depression, hopelessness, inappropriate coping
     skills, sexual abuse, talk of past sexual abuse. Last post of the
     night/morning for now. Just when you thought it couldn't get darker
     it keeps going there doesn't it?
Next thing I knew it I was on the ground and everyone was looking down at me.
Uncle Ben seemed to be gone but I still felt sick.

“What?” I asked as I tried to sit up and Will put his hand on my chest to keep
me down.

“You fainted, stay where you are please,” Will answered me.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah you hit your head hard,” James said.

“He’s lying Pat caught you,” Matt said looking at me.

“Where is Pat?” I asked trying to sit up again only to be pushed back down.

“He left before he punched Uncle Ben because apparently, he really wanted to,”
Will said, “I’ve called Dr. Palmer and Da has heard. Uncle Ben is apparently
supposed to leave you alone. He yelled at him over the com to quit whining and
drink more soda.”

“Can I get up now?” I asked.

“No, no you can’t until Dr. Palmer looks at you,” Will answered me, “You want
to talk to me about any of this later?”

“What part?” I asked glumly giving up on sitting up and just laying there.

“Any of it? Where he talked about James? Because I’m pretty sure that’s where
you started hyperventilating and everything after that was just the cherry on
top,” Will said.

“I’d prefer not to talk about it,” I answered.

Just then we heard the lift kick on and the doors opened. I was hoping it would
just be Vic but nope of course Da was there too, “Are you ok baby? Your brother
said you fainted and I told him to call Vic is it your sugar or something?”

“No, he hyperventilated himself into one,” Will answered.

“I’m still glad you called me because you never know,” Vic said getting out his
stethoscope and blowing on it, “This might feel cold sorry about that now take
a deep breath in and breathe for me please.” He said putting the cold metal
against my chest under my shirt. He wasn’t lying when he said it was cold.

He checked a couple more things including pricking my finger as Will and Da sat
there watching me. I sighed. I didn’t want either of them there honestly. I
didn’t want to think about what Da was thinking about or talk about anything
Will probably wanted to ask me. However, when Vic was convinced I was fine he
let me sit up, warning me to do so slowly.

“So, he’s ok?” Da asked Vic.

“Yeah, he’s fine Will’s right he hyperventilated himself until he fainted which
makes me wonder what was said,” Vic said looking between Will and I.

“Uncle Ben threatened James and then decided to ask John how old he was when he
first…,” I slapped my hand over Will’s mouth.

“That’s enough we don’t need to repeat it,” I said smiling at Vic.

“I’m guessing it was a personal question that your brother doesn’t care to
discuss,” Vic said looking at Will.

“I’m sorry baby, I mean John your Uncle needs to stop teasing you I’ll have a
talk with him,” Da said, “I am however really interested in what he said but
I’ll ask him or we can discuss it later. Will you can leave.” Da said
dismissing Will.

“You sure? I mean John do you want me to stay?” He asked me.

“Will I’m fine, really it’s good you can go, listen to Da,” I said agreeing
with Da only because I didn’t feel like getting both of us in trouble.

Once Will had walked away Da looked at me, “So what was the question?” He asked
smiling.

I felt my face start going red, “When the first time I ever…ejaculated was. How
old I was stuff like that.”

“When was that? Just curious,” My Da asked as Vic shot Da a confused look, “I’m
just wondering if I was there or not that type of thing.”

“Vacation before we came back here,” I answered giving him a slightly annoyed
look at the fact he was asking.

“So, I was there then?” He asked and I nodded my head feeling the heat flood my
face completely, “I have a question another one have you ever done it for
yourself?”

I sighed. Was he fucking serious? Was he really asking me that when just about
every time I was on vacation from boarding school he was sneaking into my room
at night after mum went to bed so he could rape me? It wasn’t something I felt
like remembering. How it had happened, what he had been doing to me at the
time. Of course, I had never done it for myself the feeling that flooded my
body with anyone but Pat whenever I got close to climaxing was very shame
inducing and I didn’t see me doing it myself making it feel any better.

Vic cleared his throat, “I can tell you John is very healthy in that department
regardless of whether he has or hasn’t engaged in self-pleasure. Would you like
me to leave?”

“Actually, I want you to examine him he’s had 2 days you said after three
depending on how he was healing so I’m wondering if you can check,” My Da
looking at him.

“Da,” I said shaking my head. I didn’t want someone else in my asshole I kind
of wanted it to be left alone even if it was no longer sore having people
invade the very small amount of space I was allowed didn’t feel great and
didn’t make me love life. It made me feel sick and used and like I didn’t
matter. Like nothing I wanted mattered.

“Baby, he’s just going to make sure you’re ok so we can…have some alone time
all right? Wouldn’t it be better to just know what’s going on so I don’t have
to go spent time with Will or the one of the twins when I can…”? He leaned in a
whispered into my ear, “Have my favorite boy pussy? Huh?”

“Please,” I said not bothering to turn to look at him. I really didn’t want Vic
poking around in my …well yeah.

“But I’m missing you so much you have no idea,” He said putting his hands on my
shoulders starting to message them making my stomach climb into my throat
making me feel like I was about to start puking.

“Well, my kit is here so I can but honestly I’m worried he won’t be healed
enough for any activity,” Vic answered.

“Well that’s why I want you check him out, so get to it,” My Da said standing
up.

“Da, please,” I said again shaking my head.

“I would rather make sure things are ok then go to …you know and find out
you’re not ready yet,” he answered, “Come on baby it’s ok Vic knows we have a
special relationship there is nothing to be embarrassed about ok? Vic just
check him please.”

“Shouldn’t we go somewhere more private before I pull his pants down and
actually take a look?” Vic asked.

“Yes of course, we can all go to his bedroom,” Da said as Vic offered me a hand
to help me up.

I felt like I was going to start crying. If I was fine which I had a feeling I
was that means whatever break I had was going to be cut short and Da obviously
wasn’t going to trust Vic to do this alone with me. I didn’t want him touching
me and especially didn’t want Da touching me.

I stood up on my own wrapping my arms across my chest I was not ok with this. I
was very far from ok with this but I knew my Da wasn’t going to take no for an
answer and even though Vic was not ok with it he wasn’t allowed to say no
either. We walked to my bedroom and once we got in there my Da shut the door
and took off his shirt.

“Woah, what are you doing Connor?” Vic asked looking at him, “I have to check
him first.”

“Well, I thought you might want to join me if he was fine,” Da said, “I know
you’re a little shy but he is beautiful, isn’t he? John come on drop your
pants.”

“Thank you for the offer but, I have things I have to do,” Vic answered his
cheeks lighting up slightly.

“Oh, come on you can’t be that shy no one ever sees you touch any of them and
honestly we’re beginning to wonder if maybe that’s how people keep getting out.
Maybe it’s because of you. Before when Dr. Huntz was doing more work, we didn’t
nearly have as many people leaving,” Da said before turning to me and undoing
his pants, “John now.”

“Oh, trust me I’m into it I just like to be private,” Vic said pulling out some
latex gloves and putting them on, “John if you could,” He said giving me a half
smile his eyes looking apologetic as he stared at me.

“P…,” I started to say but Da just glared at me.

“I don’t want to hear another word from you I want you to do it so Vic can
check you. If Vic doesn’t do this, I’m going to have to report it to Lord and
you want Vic to die because some little brat wouldn’t bend over?” Da asked me
as I felt my eyes widen at the thought, “That’s what I thought.”

I sighed heavily and pulled my pants and underwear off using my hands to cover
myself, “Where do you want me?” I asked quietly.

“Just bend over the bed ok?” Vic said coming up to me and grabbing me by the
hips making me flinch, as he bent over and whispered into my ear, “I’m so
fucking sorry.” And then said loud enough for my Da to hear, “Ok just spread
your legs apart a little bit this is probably going to feel a little cold
sorry.” he said as he spread my cheeks to look, “Well I don’t see anything on
the outside no tearing or bruising, no hemorrhoids so I think you’re ok.” He
said.

“Awesome,” Da said sitting down on the bed next to me, “Come here baby,” He
said grabbing me by the neck of my shirt and pulling me up onto the bed and
then pulling my shirt off so I was naked he maneuvered so I was laying down and
he was on top of me and started kissing my neck making me close my eyes hoping
he would stop but knowing he wouldn’t as he started kissing down my chest.

I swallowed I didn’t want this, I didn’t want him on top of me, my skin already
crawling. I wanted him to stop I wanted to shout no as loud as my voice would
allow but I knew doing that would only earn me threats and hard hands which I
wasn’t sure I preferred.

“It’s ok, just relax, Vic why don’t you get in here and join the fun?” He said
looking up from where his face was hovering around my belly button as he licked
from my right hip to my left.

Vic came towards me slowly sitting on the pillows above my head before he
leaned down and kisses me lightly on the lips. I saw the desperation in his
face, how he didn’t want to do this to me. How he didn’t want to hurt me even
as he slid his tongue past my lips and into my mouth.

My Da engulfed me with his mouth sending a shudder through my body as I went to
push him off Vic grabbing my arms and holding them down as he continued to kiss
me making me gasps into his mouth around his tongue that was trying to keep me
distracted. I didn’t want this.

I started struggling as best I could which wasn’t enough. Tears starting to
fall down my face as I tried to breath and that pressure started building in my
groin. Vic clamped down on my forearms holding them in a vice grip as I fought
against them his eyes pleading with me to just stop fighting as it started to
get harder to breath because the blood was rushing through my body to certain
locations as they got stimulated by the warmness around it his one hand on my
hip while his other held my base and he sucked making me groan into Vic’s
mouth.

It felt like a wave building in intensity as it moved towards shore the
tingling in my body, slowly building momentum getting stronger and stronger
until finally my eye lids fluttered and my eyes started to roll back into my
head as it finally hit its peak causing my body to twitch and spasm under my
Da’s grasps as he sucked at me happily, greedily. When I was spent, he pulled
away and Vic broke the kiss so my Da could shove his tongue down my throat
making me taste myself. I thought it tasted gross and not sweet at all but
whatever. When he broke the kiss, I gasped for air.

“You want a turn?” My Da asked Vic, moving Edgerly to the side climbing off of
me so Vic could do what he wanted.

“I huh, I’m into other activities,” Vic answered looking at me a millisecond of
nervousness spreading across his face before he managed to clear it of all
emotions.

“What? Are you a prostate guy because that makes him make the most delicious
sounds, you’ll be rock hard before he cums,” My Da said causing me to cover my
face with my now free hands, “Or are you more about your own pleasure and
that’s why no one ever sees what you do?”

“His body language is telling me he’s not into this,” Vic said looking at my Da
who sighed heavily.

“You have any lube?” My Da asked looking at Vic, “Give me some lube I’ll show
you.”

Vic sighed, “I’m really thinking that he’s not ok with this.”

“Since when does that matter to you, I’ve seen you pull plenty of boys into a
back room in the past while they were crying unless of course you aren’t one of
us. You don’t share our ideals. Is that what you are telling me Vic?” My Da
asked him, “I’ll grab the old favorite. Hold on baby,” he said kissing my cheek
and getting up walking over to the night stand.

“Please Da I want to…” He glared at me.

“You say any of those words and I will cut your tongue out and shove it up your
ass baby I mean it,” He said making me shut up instantly.

“Would you really?” Vic asked looking at my Da.

“Well,” My Da smiled taking the Vaseline out of my nightstand drawer, “Probably
not his tongue but mine for sure, or his brothers maybe which he would hate so
… close enough you want to taste him before I put this up there? It makes him
squeal quite a bit.”

“I’m not…,” My Da shot him a look, “Yeah, ok,” He said gingerly sitting down on
the bed next to me where I was still laying stalk still afraid of what was
going to happen.

He moved to straddle me, his hands grabbing my wrists and forcing them above
head as he kissed me on the lips and then covered my jaw and neck with light
kisses and he got to my ear, “I’m so sorry bear with me please god.” He said
before trailing more kisses down the side of my face and my body, “Roll over,”
He said his voice thick and husky as he moved.

I sighed trying to hold it together, trying to keep myself calm as I rolled
over so I was laying on my stomach because I knew what he was about to do his
kisses on my neck and then he licked his way down my spine to my tail bone. I
closed my eyes tightly as his tongue slid around my tail bone and into my crack
causing me to gasps. I hated this. I wanted to scream but instead bit into my
arm to keep myself silent.

“See? Nice sounds he’d make more if he wasn’t stifling them,” My Da said
pinching my nose close until I was forced to open my mouth to breathe and the
he grabbed my arms and pulled them forward into his lap, “No more of that, I
want to hear those sounds baby, they make me feel so good inside even without
touching you. Just hearing you makes me hard.” He said holding onto my arms
tightly.

Vic drove his tongue into me moving it around which caused me to whimper. I was
mortified that I couldn’t keep myself from making sounds as Vic’s hands
messaged my butt and his tongue explored my insides. I didn’t want this. I
didn’t want them touching me I didn’t want their hands on me.

I felt the pressure building again and then Vic’s hand shifted. I knew what he
was going to do and I knew it was partly for show but I didn’t want him to. I
bit into my cheek to keep myself from crying out from begging them to stop
because I didn’t want it. I wanted them to let me go and I knew they weren’t
going to until Vic proved to Da that he was one of them.

“Good boy,” My Da cooed running a hand through my hair making me try to jerk
away, “No, no calm down, calm you’re doing so good baby, so good because I know
there are so many lies on your lips and you’re holding them back you’re doing
great. Listen to your body, listen to what your body wants.”

“Shit,” Vic muttered into my tail bone and something in his voice sounded not
right making me shiver as his reached forward and grabbed something and then I
felt his wet well lubed finger prodding against my hole slowly pushing its way
in.
“See? He’s fun, isn’t he?” My Da said.

“Yes, actually he’s a lot of fun,” Vic said as his finger finally went all the
way in.

I moaned despite my best efforts my eyes going wide as his finger started
moving, feeling for that one spot that would make my dick weep with. It hit
that spot sending an electrical shock through my system making my whole-body
jump. I wanted them to let me go this wasn’t fair this was so not fair. I knew
I was crying as my Da ran his hands through my hair and cooed encouragement
into my ear telling me how I was being so good. Vic petted that spot over and
over again until I couldn’t hold it anymore and I was screaming and I knew I
was screaming but I couldn’t stop myself and I couldn’t stop my body from
giving them that response the response that they so desired.

“You feel better baby?” Da asked bending over so his face was in my neck upside
down kissing me.

Vic’s weight shifted off of my legs and he was silent for a moment, “Well he’s
fine, he’s healthy,” Vic said before clearing his throat loudly, “Am I good to
go? Do you believe I hold the same ideals the brotherhood promotes or is there
anything else I need to do to prove myself?”

“No, you can go, give us some alone time. If you want to stay and entertain
yourself elsewhere you are more than welcome,” Da said letting go of my wrists
and getting up allowing me to curl myself into a ball.

I squeezed my eyes shut and covered my ears with my hands. I didn’t want to
hear them anymore. I didn’t want to think about them anymore or feel them I
just wanted to be able to disappear but I knew. I knew he wasn’t done that he
wasn’t going to be finished with me. The door closed behind Vic sounding
muffled and I flinched as the weight of the bed shifted when my Da sat down on
it. I didn’t open my eyes as he pried my hands from my ears.

“You did great baby, you really did you were awesome. God you’re always so
awesome,” He said pushing his weight forward on me so I was forced onto my back
as he moved his hand sliding to feel underneath me his fingers prodding gently
as he climbed on top of me and he sighed, “I think you can take me if I go nice
and slow for you. You think I’m, right?” He asked me.

“Daddy,” I started to beg but he hushed me putting his finger against my lips
as his weight shifted a couple times over top of me.

“Don’t be that way now baby, not after you’ve been so good. I can make this
nice yeah? Just relax it’ll feel just as good as everything Vic did if not
better I promise. I love you baby I want to make you feel good,” He said as he
positioned himself between my legs and moved his hips forward starting to slid
into me.

“It hurts,” I said as the slight searing heat spread up my nerve endings my
whole body shaking as he forced himself up inside me.

“It’s ok just give it a minute, just relax ok baby? Just relax and it’ll feel
good you know it’ll feel good. There you go, that’s it. God you’re always so
tight my special boy,” He moaned leaning forward over me his hands caressing my
face and neck as he pressed a kiss to my mouth starting to thrusts. I whimpered
softly into his shoulder trying to keep myself from crying because I was afraid
it was going to make him angry. I wanted to die. I wanted to close my eyes and
fade into nothingness. My whole body betraying me each thrust spreading a
shiver up my spine and making my eyes want to roll as I tried to keep my
breathing even.

“Feels great, doesn’t it? Yeah that’s my good boy, god I love you, oh fuck
yes,” He kept moaning into my ear as he pushed in and out putting light
pressure on that spot that made me feel like I was melting and then pulling it
away over and over again making me wish I could just die as I tried my hardest
to keep my whimpers barely audible.

He hit it one more time sending me gasping as my eyes rolled my eyelids
flickering as I orgasmed covering both of us in my cum and he reached climax
inside me. He was shivering with the force of his climax as I was with mine
before he pulled out of me. Rolling off of me and pulling me close to his skin
even though there wasn’t really a lot of room for us to not be touching because
of my tiny twin bed. I felt sick. My whole body making me wish I could just
die. He kissed me several times our calmly skin sticking to each other the
whole room smelling of both of us, of sex and sweat and sin.

“God that’s why I love you, always so amazing,” He said standing up and
grabbing my shirt from the floor wiping himself off with it before he used it
to wipe off my stomach making me shiver, “I would stay but, I have to get back
to work. I’ll see you later tonight? Sleep with me.” He said making it a
statement not a question or request. He forced his tongue past my lips one more
time as he bent over me before he did up his pants, “Just rest I know that was
certainly a work out for me so I can only imagine how much it was for you with
how hard you squeezed around me, god it was one of the best fucks I’ve ever
had, definitely in our top two.”

I curled into back into my ball. Wishing I could move but not finding the
energy. I don’t know how long I was there before someone knocked on the door.
My brain didn’t have the energy to freak out and was barely able to squeak out
a reply.

“Come in,” I managed to mumble.

“Hey,” Will said quietly, “You ok?”

I finally directed my eyes up from where I was staring at nothing, “Do I really
need to answer?” I barely whispered.

“Is there anything I can do?” He asked me.

“Let me die,” I answered.

“John?” Will said a frown spreading from his eyes into the rest of his face.

“Please, just let me die,” I said and Will covered his mouth to hide the fact
his chin was shaking.

“I can’t do that John,” He answered back his voice breaking as he reached out a
hand towards me which caused me to twitch.

“Don’t touch me,” I answered in response to him reaching out for me, “No one
needs to touch me.”

He withdrew his hand slowly, “Ok,” He nodded his head, “Maybe you just need
some sleep?”

“No, I need a new life, a new body,” I answered honestly.

“Can I draw you a bath? Get you some water? Call Pat? Anything,” Will asked me
quietly trying to get something from me.

I sighed, “He wants me to spend the night with him. He’s not going to let me
say no. I’m not allowed to say no.”

“Ok, stay here all, right? I’m going to call Pat. I’ll be back don’t go
anywhere,” He said before he got up and walked swiftly from the room.

All I could think about was the coming night. How he would make me do that
again, try to go deeper into me try to pull out whatever little bit of my soul
was left so he could rip it into pieces and poke holes in it. How he wanted to
kill me from the inside out slowly how I deserved it. I still couldn’t find the
energy to move and don’t know how long I laid there before the door burst open
making me literally jump out of my skin and it was him.

I looked at him looking at me and I broke, anything that was left in me broke
and I started sobbing as he wrapped his arms around me holding my head gently
against his chest as he cried into my hair as he tried his best to soothe me
even though he was crying and in pain as well. He rocked me slowly back and
forth on my bed as I wrapped my arms around him holding him tightly against me.
When we both done crying he sighed.

“My rabbit,” He said, “If I could…”

“You can’t,” I said breaking off his sentence, “There isn’t anything you can do
but let me die.”

“You can’t die Rabbit, I need you, your brothers and sisters need you, your mom
when she gets back she’s going to need you, don’t give up, not yet,” He begged
me.

“It’s just going to happen, again and again and again until it’s all I am,” I
answered, “He’s he’s worse than anyone else.”

“He’ll slow down, I promise he will Rabbit you’ll outgrow him,” Pat said.

“No I won’t I’m growing into him,” I said choking on my own sobs, “When he
picked me up from the airport all he could do was say how he couldn’t wait to
get me home to see how much I have matured. How he wanted to see what…”

“You can’t let them destroy you like this Rabbit, you can’t please I’m begging
you I will get on my knees and beg you not to give up please. I need you I need
you so much you can’t just let this happen to yourself please,” He said as he
began to cry again.
“I don’t know what to do Pat, I’m so tired. I want my body to belong to me, I
want control over my life and I’m never going to have that not with him here. I
thought I was free of him you know? I thought I was free just for him to …,” I
couldn’t talk about it anymore. It hurt too much I really was too tired. I was
too tired to think about what he was planning to do to me that night. What his
plans probably were for the coming days. I knew it could be worse but, either
way I hated it, it was too much.

The thought of his hands on my skin and his lips and tongue against me as he
pushed into me in ways that he shouldn’t. That I didn’t want that made him moan
praises into my skin and made my eyes go wide as he hit against me his body
connecting to mine touching the very core of what I thought I was. Using me in
a way that he shouldn’t want to use me. I was so tired I just wanted him to
stop, wanted all of it to stop and I knew that the only way for that goal to
truly be achieved was the escape him and his friends and the only way I could
ever really do that was to die.

“I wish I had an answer but, I’m here please don’t leave me in this mess
Rabbit, please I’ll do anything I can to help you to make this better for you.
You want me to get some drugs? I’ll ask Cole he’ll help me hook you up with
something but don’t kill yourself please I’m begging you don’t leave me. I
can’t do this without you Rabbit I can’t,” Pat said and I saw the desperation
in his face. The desperation that made me want to promise him the moon and
stars that made me want to give him my left arm if it would make his pain go
away.

“I’ll try but I’m beyond tired Pat, I feel like I’m already half dead on the
inside,” I whispered into his collar bone through his shirt my cheek was right
up against his skin pressing my body against his. So, that I could feel him
instead of feel my Da’s hands on me still.

Pat took my chin in his hand and gently tilted my face up until our eyes met
and he was staring intently at me, “That’s all I’m asking for you to do is try.
And I don’t see you as half dead if you were half dead it wouldn’t hurt so
much. Trust me,” He said before he kissed my forehead.

I couldn’t stand being this close to him and having our skin not touch a second
longer. I pulled the comforter off my upper body wrapping it around his
shoulders as I pushed myself against him. I wanted to feel him, his skin on my
skin and I started to pull his shirt over his head but he grabbed my hands.

“We can’t rabbit, ok, we can’t there are so many reasons why we can’t,” He said
holding onto my arms lightly making me stop.

“I need you,” I said starting to feel a panic rise in my chest, “Please I need
to feel you.”

“I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere for right now. Calm down Rabbit,
please we can’t do that. You know we can’t do that,” He said kissing my face.

“I need to feel you inside me and not him please babe, I’m begging you please,”
I pleaded with him.

“Rabbit, no sweetie god I hate having to say no but it won’t help you trust me,
it only helps for a second and then you’ll hate me forever. You’re not ready it
can’t be like this just let me hold you,” He said letting go of my wrists as I
quit trying to get his shirt off his hand running through my hair as he laid
back on my bed holding me to his chest against his shirt.

I don’t know how long we laid like that, how long it was before we drifted off
to sleep him holding me in his arms, my head pressed to his chest listening to
his heart beat letting it send calmness through me with each slow pulse as his
heart contracted sending blood through his body, sending life moving under his
skin. After a while the door cracked back open the brightness from the hallway
light feeling alien, like an invader.

“Pat?” I heard Will whisper.

“Yeah?” Pat asked his hand absently mindedly raking gently though my hair
again.

“Is he going to be ok?” Will asked.

Pat didn’t say anything to him for a moment and I did my best to keep still and
silent. Not wanting to let them know I was awake, that I was listening. He
breathed a heavy sigh his chest expanding as his lungs filled with air moving
underneath me, “I don’t’ know.” He answered after a minute.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Will asked.

“He promised he would try, that he would keep trying but I honestly don’t know
if he’ll be ok and it scares the hell out of me,” He answered my brother
honestly.

“Why do you think it’s so hard for him?” Will asked Pat suddenly.

At first I didn’t really understand the question and then I realized. He was
asking Pat why I had such a hard time dealing with the abuse. Dealing with the
way Da made me feel. His friends, all of it. Why it seemed as if Will, he did
put up with some of the same stuff I did seemed to fair so much better
emotionally then I did.

“Well, he’s your older brother. Every time he can’t protect any of you he sees
it as him failing. He can’t protect you guys, he can’t protect himself he feels
like no matter what he does it’s his fault. Alice probably didn’t help any,”
Pat said.

“He can’t protect us it’s not his job. It’s Da’s job and it’s a job he doesn’t
want. We need to protect ourselves it’s not on John. It’s really not and I keep
telling him that but he doesn’t believe me. And what did Alice do?” Will asked.

“He feels like it is because your Da doesn’t. He’s always going to feel like it
is because he loves you guys so much. Alice said that he’s old enough to fight
back like she knows anything about what they do. They would beat him within an
inch of his life if he fought back against them. He’s 13 what the hell is a 13-
year-old supposed to do about guys like them,” Pat sighed and I felt his arm
move up to his face.

“Da’s not…,” Will traveled off.

“Yeah because none of you fight him. The fact that he’s not violent tells me
that if you did fight back he would snap. He’s more dangerous than my Dad and
none of you realize it yet. I’ve heard stories about guys like your Dad when
they snap. Guys like him need complete control or they aren’t happy and if they
get unhappy you better be very very careful you got me? John is handling your
Da the only correct way there is which is laying there and closing your eyes
and waiting for it to be over. None of this is his fault he’s surviving,” Pat
hissed.

“I wasn’t arguing with you Pat. I have no idea how to handle any of them. The
basement that is the first time I’ve been through any of that stuff and it was
scary. Do they do that all the time?” Will asked.

“It just depends I guess. They pass us around. The trade us off to each other
the blind fold thing though, that they did to John and Cole I’ve never seen
them do that before. However, I don’t imagine that being very pleasant,” Pat
answered him.

“Yeah it didn’t look pleasant. I mean I can just imagine not being able to tell
who is doing what. It’s bad enough when you can see them. Tell who is who,”
Will said, “He doesn’t talk about it you know?”

“Would you? I mean all due respect and I know talking about your uncle the
stuff you’ve told me while he’s been resting has helped you but, he’s dealing
with a lot of very intense stuff they …your Dad sells him to people. They just
have to give your Dad some money and they can do whatever they want to him
within your Dad’s limits I’m sure. They aren’t very nice to him. I’ve seen them
shove things in places where you don’t want anyone putting anything, their
tongues, toys, obviously their penis’s they’ve whipped him. Why do you think
his back is so messed up right now? They bite him I’ve seen my Dad bite kids so
hard he draws blood and I know he’s done that to John because John is just his
type.”

“Hank bites people?” Will asked quietly.

“Yeah, those round circle scars on John’s chest? I think he has two or three of
them those are from my Dad biting him and my Da hurts. He’s rough he’ll make
guys bleed sometimes Arthur’s the same way and I know John’s been with them
together at least once. He won’t talk about Leo. But from what I’ve heard Leo
is very much like your Dad very controlling if things don’t go exactly how he
wants them to he gets angry.”

“If he doesn’t talk about Leo how do you know what he’s like?” Will asked.

Each time they said his name it took everything in me to keep still. His name
felt like a fist impacting against my stomach making me feel sick and
breathless. I was really afraid of him. I still have trouble saying his name
out loud. I don’t call my Da by his name either. I like to think they are dead
pretend they are dead somewhere but even hearing someone else named that
induces gut wrenching fear in the back of my mind.

“Kristoff,” Pat said and Will must have given him a confused look, “Tall guy,
blond hair brown eyes, kind of stubbly around the face friends with Cole.”

“Oh, yeah I think I remember who you are talking about,” Will said.

“Kristoff isn’t very open about it either but, I asked him after the movie
theater last year what Leo was like. He said Leo and Tony forced him and this
other kid to make a movie. When the other kid wouldn’t do what he was told Leo
kicked him repeatedly until he coughed up blood and then they had to postpone
everything for like three weeks. However next time they brought him back in and
the same kid that kid was very cooperative,” Pat said, “Just to give you an
idea of how dangerous these guys can be.”

“Da almost choked me once,” Will commented, “When I refused to let him…suck
me.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. They’ve probably done that to him too. You know
they’ve broken his arm once, sprained it another time, he’s constantly covered
in bruises,” Pat said.

“You mean like the ones all over his neck I thought that was from them kissing
him too hard,” Will said.

“He has a lot of bruises in other places you don’t get to see,” Pat said and I
felt Pat twitch slightly.

“He has bruises in places I don’t…are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Will asked a bit of shock in his voice.

“What him and I do in private between us isn’t for you to know,” Pat said
shrugging his shoulders which caused me to move, “Rabbit? Are you waking up?”
He asked me quietly.

“A little,” I answered in response knowing my cover was blown rubbing the sleep
from my eyes to look at Will, “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked
him as he stared at me wide-eyed in shock.

“I thought you said you’d only fooled around like for real for real like once,”
Will said the look still not disappearing from his face.

“Fooled around…oh, yeah,” I said.

“He says your bruised in places I don’t get to see,” Will said shaking his
head.

“PAT no,” I said shaking my head, “Really you had to tell him that?”

“You guys need to stop I don’t care how much you like each other they will kill
you,” Will said, “You know they will kill you and I can’t lose either of you so
just stop.”

“Will we’re not, ok it’s not like that,” I said covering my face with my hands
as I sat up.

“Said the naked guy,” Will said looking at me and then I realized that he was
very correct and underneath the blankets I was still naked after what my Da had
done to me earlier making me blush.

“Listen to me, if we were it’s not your concern Will. Really, it’s fine I can’t
anyway I’m contracted,” Pat said grabbing the blanket and pulling it over my
shoulders so I could cover myself.

“Says the guy I caught dry humping said naked guy in the pool,” Will said and I
felt my face go red.

“What?” I asked trying to pretend I was innocent.

“I’m 11 I’m not stupid you didn’t have any pants on John what did you think I
would think you were doing? And he was naked for fuck sake,” Will said, “You
don’t remember that?’

“In John’s defense, he didn’t have pants on because he was kind of attacked by
your Uncle who was trying very hard to force his way into said non-existing
pants,” Pat said, “And I was naked because I was trying to draw his attention
else where your Uncle’s not John’s.”

“Yeah well that was super gross just so you know, I came in to tell you food
was ready so Pat if you would like to eat please come with me because right now
I’m having trouble trusting you two alone in a room together,” Will said.

“We were just in a room alone together for hours and nothing happened and I’m
older then you are,” I answered him.

“Again, coming from the naked guy,” Will said rolling his eyes, “Pat come on.
Don’t cause yourselves more trouble than you need please.”

“Ok I’m coming, get dressed I’ll see you at the table all, right?” Pat said.

“Actually, I think John’s eating …,” Will said his face falling.

“Oh,” I said quietly, “He told you that?”

“No Alice, I’m not sure she even really knows what it means,” Will said.

“What did I miss?” Pat asked.

“He wants me to eat with him which means I probably won’t be eating,” I
answered.

“Are you going to be ok?” Pat asked me.

“I have to be, don’t I? I promised I would try,” I said standing up not even
caring that I was naked anymore because I knew clothing probably wasn’t going
to be in my future.

“Holy shit!” Will hissed as he covered his eyes with his hands.

“Really Rabbit? I think you just scarred him for life,” Pat said holding back
laughter.

“Well the way he made it sound I wasn’t allowed PJ’s exactly so…whatever,” I
said getting up and grabbing a robe to tie around my waist.

“I’ve seen him naked before just his waist is…,” Will said blushing just
thinking about the fact he had looked that closely at me.

“What starched up and black and blue? Yeah, I told you,” Pat said, “Thighs,
knees, you know…”

“Why were you talking about me while I was asleep?” I asked looking at the two
of them.

“Sorry, it was my fault John, I I’m worried ok?” Will said.

“Well don’t be there isn’t anything anyone can do about it. Now I’m going to go
downstairs, all right? I’ll see you in the morning. Have Alice get everyone in
bed by 8:30 ok? No buts Pat I’ll walk you out, all right?” I said reaching a
hand out which Pat took and squeezed gently.

Pat walked to the lift with me holding my hand as I pushed the button. He
didn’t say anything to me until we got in the lift and even then, I don’t
remember what at first because all I could focus on was his hand in mine until
I couldn’t stand it and the desire to feel him on me, any part of him on me
overwhelmed me. I needed something to get me through this, anything to get me
through this. I looked at him and he scrunched his nose at me amused before our
lips met my tongue exploring his mouth tickling the roof of it as he laughed
into our kiss.

“I’ll never understand how I make you so happy,” He said smiling as our kiss
broke and he still held me in his arms.

“You make me want to fight, you try to keep me safe. You make me feel alive
even when everything else makes me want to be dead, why shouldn’t I be happy
about that?” I asked him.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t I’m just saying I’m nothing special even though
apparently, you and Delia both disagree,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders as
the lift came to a stop on the second floor, “I’ll see you later ok?”

“I’ll have Will call you and let you know when you can come over again,
probably this weekend if I can manage to sneak out. Since I don’t think Da’s
too happy about what happened. I’m not even honestly sure how he feels about
you being here earlier if he even knows,” I said.

“Ok, let me know though all right?” He pleaded with me, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I said giving him a hug as the lift open and making sure we
were broken apart before the door exposed us all the way.

I didn’t walk him to the front door feeling a bit naked with only the robe on
to cover me but I figured he would make it safely outside as I walked him down
the hallway to the front steps and watched him open the door as he turned back
one last time and smiled a sad smile waving at me meekly. I sighed. I wasn’t
ready to do this.
***** 9 *****
Chapter Summary
     John struggles to accept his reality. The fact that he doesn't belong
     to himself. That he belongs to everyone else. He can't even find the
     ability to fight it anymore. Can barely understand the reason to keep
     going. It's become too much. It hurts too much and everything seems
     worthless.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 147 to 169. Warnings: RAPE/non-con, Forced Oral, Forced Anal,
     sensory deprivation (sight), talk of child abuse, talk of mental
     illness, talk of self-neglect, anxiety, depression, talk of substance
     abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse. While this is a very
     emotional chapter and takes place in one spot in Connor's bedroom. I
     feel like I capture John's emotional state well here but I'm not 100%
     sure. Some readers might find it repetitive but when you're in that
     place (trust me I've been there myself) you find it hard to think.
     You're brain is almost like a broken record the same verse of the
     song repeating over and over again. John's brain is just looking for
     a way out, a way to process what's going on and all the things Connor
     has told him are going to happen. The visit from Catherine is just to
     remind everyone that his brothers and sisters are still there,
     probably the purpose of the visit for John too however it also
     reminds him of how deeply fucked up his world is where his little
     sister lives a life where those are questions she has. Questions no
     five-year-old should ever have to worry about. Let me know what you
     think.
I wasn’t ready to become his slave again. I wanted control I wanted permission
to say no and I knew that was something I didn’t have. As I turned back around
to head back down the hallway my throat and mouth went dry. As I opened the
bedroom door I felt like I had stopped breathing, like my life was in an
intermission waiting for the curtain to rise again.

After a few minutes of sitting in the chair on my own the door opened slowly.
Making my eyes go wide. It was Da with a tray of food.

“Smart boy, no clothes good,” he said.

I shifted uncomfortably as he drew attention to how exposed I was. I wanted to
ask him questions but instead I bit my lip keeping them to myself. It didn’t
matter what the answers were and I knew it. It would like last time, like
November. I would do as I was told and that was that and I knew that was how it
was going to go.

“Can I keep the robe for now or just…,” I gestured with my hands wondering if
he wanted to see me naked.

“Baby why do you always get so shy huh? It’s not like I haven’t seen your body
before. You would think after all the sex we’ve had you’d be less shy about
it,” he said an amused smile playing across his face.

I shrugged my shoulders, “It’s my body I just…I don’t know.”

“Is it ok if you don’t eat, it cuts down on the mess you know,” he said making
me feel more like he was demanding I didn’t eat and less like he was asking if
I wanted to.

“I’m not hungry it’s fine I just…” I trailed off fidgeting.

“God it’s so sexy when you bite your lip,” he said making me acutely aware of
what I was doing, making me stop, “Don’t be like that baby, you’re fine really.
I know you want it, I just wish you wouldn’t lie to yourself about it.”

“Da I really…,” I started.

“John don’t lie to yourself ok? You could say no and fight me on it if you
really didn’t like it,” he said grabbing a carrot stick from his plate and
biting into it.

I swallowed hard. I didn’t like it and I didn’t want it. I was just afraid of
the what the consequences of fighting him would be. Would he go to one of my
brothers like he always threatened to do and had done at least once before when
I had refused him? Would he beat me or my mum? Would he just hand me over to
someone else who depending on the situation would make it worse, make it hurt
in a different way that would leave me sore and unable to walk instead of just
uncomfortable in my own skin? Everything about him made me nervous, made me
hate myself.

I nodded my head slowly before I spoke, “Ok,” I answered quietly.

He smiled at me, his eyes lighting up. If the predator behind them hadn’t been
easily visible I might have seen the Da I used to have. The Da I had as a
little boy briefly between the ages of nine and 12. The Da who took me to the
zoo with my brothers and who played catch with me in the front yard of our flat
or walked with me in the park. Not this Da, not the Da who snuck into my room
at night, who pressed rough kisses against my skin and made me want to die. The
Da who smacked mum whenever she confronted him and threatened to leave him. The
Da who said he would make one of my little brothers suffer because I refused to
be good, refused to obey.

He moved towards me as I closed my eyes trying to keep myself calm, trying to
find some composure within myself. I didn’t open my eyes again until his face
was buried in my neck his hands undoing the tie holding my robe closed. I felt
the heat flood my face as I tried to stay calm, tried to hold back any pleas I
might have or appeals for him to stop as his hands slid my robe from my
shoulders to the floor.

“God you’re so beautiful,” he mused caressing my cheek with one hand while his
other reached down to grab my penis feeling it as his eyes traveled down
inspecting it, “You’re going to be so huge when you’re done growing you know
that?” He said referring to the size of my member making me blush a deep hue of
red.

I swallowed not sure what to say or do as his eyes gazed at my naked my body
making me feel vulnerable as he started to rub, “Come here,” he said not
letting go of me but forcing me to move with his hand still on me lest I be
injured as he moved us towards the bed where he forced me backwards so I was
laying on my back as he hovered above me.

“You have any idea what you do to me?” He said finally letting go and peeling
himself out of his clothes faster than I could come up with a response.

I averted my eyes. I hated seeing him naked, knowing what it meant. I hated the
feeling of his skin against mine when he grinded against me pressing me into
the whatever surface was underneath me or behind me. Him being naked was always
a very very bad thing and so whenever possible I tried to ignore when he was
stripped of his clothing.

“Hey, back to earth space cadet,” he said drawing my gaze back to his face with
the wave of his hand, “Don’t check out on me I want to enjoy this. It’s hard to
enjoy it when I know you’re not here too ok baby?” He said using his fingers to
tip my Jaw lightly upward so our eyes met.

“Sorry,” I mumbled wishing he would just get on with it so that I didn’t have
to pretend I was ok with it anymore.

“Why do you do that?” He asked me.

“What?” I asked not sure what else to say, how to keep talking to him when I
felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff just waiting for him to drive
the knife into my back that would send me careening over the edge into the
blackness below.

“Why do you check out?” He clarified for me.

“What do you mean by check out?” I asked him.

“When we’re together, I see it I’m not stupid after a while you kind of go limp
or something in your eyes just change like a light switch being turned off and
you’re not you anymore. Why do you do that?” He asked me again.

“I-I-I don’t know,” I answered giving only a half truth. Not wanting to tell
him I wasn’t sure how I made it happen but that it was preferable to feeling
him on top of me, to struggling with how my body felt because he was right and
it did feel good and I hated that fact.

His hand slid down my rib cage to my hip as he moved forward placing a kiss on
my nipple catching me by surprise, “Try to stay with me this time huh
beautiful?” He asked as his tongue poked out of his mouth and drifted across my
left nipple before it disappeared into his mouth making me tense making my skin
crawl.

He started nibbling and licking slow circles around it making me tense even
further as he pressed his pelvis against mine, his hardness evident, “Oookk,” I
said pushing at him lightly hoping he would stop or slow down.

“Shhh, relax, relax,” he said his hands rubbing up and down my sides massaging
my hips and waist as he continued.

“Wait, please,” I begged starting to wiggle underneath him trying to find
shelter from his touch, any type of escape.

“Just enjoy it, I want to go nice and slow ok?” He said his mouth still against
my nipple the words tickling.

“Da please,” I pleaded with him as his thumbs slid around the back of my hips
pressing hard into my back as he forced my pelvis to tilt towards him using his
hands.

“Shhh, baby your ok trust me,” he said starting to kiss his way down my chest.

The act Making my eyes go wide as I tried to force myself to keep breathing.
Why didn’t he understand this didn’t feel good because it didn’t feel right?
Why couldn’t he remember how much this hurt when the same thing had happened to
him as a kid?
“Da please,” I begged again biting my lip to keep it from trembling as my eyes
started filling with tears, his kisses landing below my belly button.

“Just relax you’re already hard so now we have to fix it, don’t we?” He asked
stroking me softly making my back arch as the cold fire spread from my groin
and up my spine paralyzing me and making my breath hitch in my throat.

I didn’t want this, I didn’t want this my brain kept screaming at me but my
whole body felt frozen, almost like a dead thing I couldn’t control. His mouth
engulfed me sending my eyes fluttering my shoulders tensing up against my ears
hiding my neck as I exhaled deeply through my mouth trying to keep myself
breathing as my toes started to curl. God why did this have to feel so good?
Why did my body have to hate me so much? He stopped for a minute gliding his
thumb over my slit making my insides jump.

“Feels good yeah?” He mumbled before taking me back into his mouth my tip
hitting something in the back of his throat making me moan before he released
me again making a popping noise sounding as I left his mouth, he laughed
lightly, “You really like this don’t you.”

“I--…” I tried to tell him no. To tell him to stop but my body didn’t want to
work. My voice seizing in my throat.

I felt the icy static spread from deep inside my body moving forward outward
away from my core as his slid a finger gently inside of me, laughing lightly
against my shaft as I moaned involuntarily. Half of my face feeling hot with a
blush while the other side felt pale scared and frozen. I didn’t want this I
hated this. Every cell in my body on fire with that cold ice.

“Shit,” I muttered despite myself as he added another finger bumping up against
that place inside of me and it started to send me over the edge, his sucking
quickening as I started to drip. I hated myself. I hated myself so completely
if I could have I would have shot myself in the face eating a gun to stop my
body from doing what it was doing. From responding to him as I shuddered with
orgasm and he swallowed it all pulling away gasping as I started to go flaccid
for the moment.

“You’re amazing,” he breathed into my hip his kisses trailing their way back up
my left side as he moved positioning himself in-between my legs using his
shoulders to hold my knees apart as his pushed himself against me sliding past
the first ring making me jump and hiss slightly at how uncomfortably filling it
was.

“Da, can we…” I started to say before he clamped his hand over my mouth.

“Don’t baby just relax I made you feel good now you have to make me feel good
ok? Just calm down no protesting,” he said sliding in the rest of the way
making me whimper, “It’s ok, you’re great you feel so great.” he breathed into
my ear leaning into me pushing forwards and upwards almost hurting making me
want to struggle because I felt impaled.

He rolled his hips pulling them backwards releasing some of the pressure before
he buried himself into me again thrusting forward hitting that spot that made
sparks erupt behind my eyes and made me stop breathing. I didn’t want this,
this hurt, this was painful but felt amazing all at once. I hated it.

I hated it with every fiber of my being deep down into my core. I hated being
his toy. He mumbled encouragement into my ear as I tried my hardest to keep
myself silent. To keep from making any sound at all my whole-body shuddering
with his every movement as my own knees hit me in the chest his hands on my rib
cage as he planted gently kisses against my skin muttering praises.

I felt him finish as I rode out my own second climax before he pulled out
grabbing me and pulling me close to him helping me move my body from the foot
of the bed up towards the head of it because it didn’t want to cooperate my
whole physical being feeling like a wet noodle unable to move of its own
accord.

“God, you are fucking incredible,” he mumbled into my neck kissing me as I
tried to pull away from him, to put some space between us so I didn’t have to
feel him so close to me, “Don’t be like that beautiful,” he cooed grabbing me
hard around my shoulders and pulling me forward into him as he rolled us onto
our sides.

“P-p-p-please,” I struggled to get the word out trying to keep my voice from
shaking and failing my skin crawling my whole body screaming at me to stop, my
brain telling me I needed to get away.

“You want more? Really?” He said his hand skittering down my hip to my crotch.

“NO!” I said trying to push his hands away, “NO!”

“Come on baby it’s just a little fun,” he said grabbing hold of me as I grabbed
a hold of his wrists having reached my limit not being able to take anymore,
“No, stop fighting it you asked me for it you said please I’m just giving you
what you wanted.”
I bit my lip trying to hold back my protest, my tears and sobs barely
containable, knowing that having already said no twice I was pushing my limit
before he got rough and instead opted for a strangled whimper of protest as his
started rubbing bringing me back up again.

“You should enjoy this while you can,” he said laughing into my chest as he
started to jack me off, “Once you get to be my age it’s not that easy to get it
up so fast anymore.”

“God,” I mumbled as I started to cum in his hand and he laughed into the crown
of my head.

“That’s my good boy, let Da make you feel good yeah?” He said as I finished all
over us feeling sick to my stomach.

This time he allowed me to roll over and curl into a ball. Almost like he was
finished, like he was giving me room to breathe because he was satisfied. I
hugged my knees to my chest my whole body sweaty and sticky shivering as he
pulled the covers up around us. He kissed in-between my shoulder blades
wrapping his arms around me while he mumbled something into my ear about the
morning making me tense again.

I tried to fall asleep. I tried to clear my head not wanting to think about him
not wanting to feel his hands on me anymore but I couldn’t. I couldn’t escape
this time almost like his command was denying me that small bit of relief as I
laid there.

After a while he started snoring softly into my ear grumbling in his sleep
every time I moved slightly until he rolled over in annoyance breaking our
physical contact giving me a bit of relief. It was only then that I managed to
get some actual rest, falling into an uneasy sleep for a while to be woken up
still tired and restless him sitting beside me on the edge of the bed forcing a
glass of orange juice into my hands as I sat up.

“You were restless last night,” he said looking at me thoughtfully.

I shrugged my shoulders through half lidded eyes trying to wake up before he
did something to help me that I knew I wouldn’t like as I took a sip of orange
juice. I didn’t know what to say or do acutely aware that I was naked in his
bed him sitting there like it wasn’t a big deal like it was the most normal
thing in the world to be having sex with your son and then sharing a bed with
him. I shook my head lightly from side to side pressing the thumb and fore
finger of my left hand to the bridge of my nose trying to wake up.

“I want you to stay here today,” he said to me, “No clothes just stay here and
chill all right? Watch some TV, sleep, take a bath but don’t leave the room.
You’re mine got it?”

“Ok,” I answered quietly sighing, “Can I ask why?”

“All you need to know is if you don’t someone else is going to be spending some
alone time with me all right?” He answered looking at me as he stood up going
over to the bathroom door, “You know I’ll do it too. You remember what you
walked in on last time you said no to me.” He warned me reminding me of the one
time I had refused and I found him in the shower with Will. How I had watched
Will struggling so hard to be obedient despite the pain and humiliation.

“Is this because of Patrick?” I asked, “How he …stuck up for me?”

“No this is because you can’t fight your own battles, you knew they were there
for you and yet you allowed someone else to stick their neck out for you.
Patrick got his punishment these 3 days before I send you to Leo are yours,” He
said causing my body to go cold, “Don’t give me that look we talked about that
remember?”

“Go to… why?” I barely managed to stutter.

“He wanted to contract you we settled on some terms. He gets you every weekend
from Friday evening until Sunday morning, he’ll bring you to mass at school and
you can come home and sleep from there. The next six months starting this
Friday. He’s paying good money he got screened he’s clean he said unless it’s a
party he won’t be with anyone else so…he can do as he sees fit. You do however
get to have a break during the week besides school but there’s a little bit of
time before school starts so enjoy it however I don’t want you near Patrick I
think it would be best if you two spent some time apart.” he said, “If I think
it’s still a problem I will have Leo spent more time with you. You understand
what I’m saying?”

“That I’m brought and paid for? That you’re going to let him…Da,” I said as I
felt the tears rising my eyes.

“You should have seriously thought about that before you developed such a close
friendship. If I truly thought anything was happening between you two which I
am watching you two very closely by the way I would have to go straight to the
lord and you know what would happen then? A culling and whoever got the red
slip wouldn’t be coming home.

You think I want that for you? You think I want to take that chance? If this is
the best way to stop this, and I think it is then that’s what I’m going to do.
By the end of this six months you’ll probably scream every time someone
mentions the word sex and if that’s how it has to be to get you to keep your
hands to yourself then so be it,” he sighed cupping my cheek lightly. “I love
you I don’t want to lose you especially because some dumb kid couldn’t keep it
in his pants unless he’s told otherwise got me?”
“Why him? Why I can’t…,” I exhaled forcefully my nostrils flaring just thinking
of what Leo was like, how much like Da he was how he made me want to kill
myself how I once thought he was going to never bring me home.

“You can and you will and you’ll either find a way to enjoy every second or
you’ll hate it. Don’t worry about that yet though ok baby? Just try to enjoy
your time with me. I have to get up and get to work though so I’ll come down
and eat lunch with you, all right? Don’t get any ideas I’m not stupid I see it
in your face. I’ve taken anything out of the room you could probably use to do
something to postpone. It wouldn’t be a wise idea to leave the room either if
you do I will know and I will chain you downstairs to that fucking bed for the
next two days you understand me?” He asked looking at me.

I folded my arms across my chest and nodded. He was really punishing me for
something I had no control over. I wasn’t the one who had willingly had sex
with Pat the first time I wasn’t the one who had chosen to make out with other
boys, I wasn’t the one who chose to have sex with my Da.

This wasn’t on me and yet he was punishing me with Leo. Leo, who I couldn’t
stand, who just laughed every time I screamed and begged him to stop. Leo, who
was the worst mix of Da and Hank not as violent as Hank but not as calm as Da.
Leo, who made me nervous. who would strap me down and make me orgasm until my
body couldn’t take it anymore.

“Ok, that’s my good boy, stay here I love you,” He said going into the bathroom
shutting the door quietly behind him.

I rolled over so I was facing away from the bathroom door and curled into a
ball under the covers that made me feel sick to my stomach because they still
smelled like us and what he had done to me last night. I didn’t want to think
anymore; the fear of Leo crippling me. I remembered him. His car, the way he
had kept going past the point where I could stand it. How I had wanted to beg
him to kill me, how I felt like I would never get him out of my skin and could
feel him inside me, touching and poking and prodding at me for days after.

After he came out of the bathroom he started getting dressed. As he put on his
under shirt I felt compelled to plead my case again so I sighed heavily working
up my courage, trying to draw it out of me before it was too late. I really
didn’t want to deal with Leo.

“Da please, why does it have to be Leo?” I asked again the name on my tongue
just making the bile rise in my throat.

“Because he gave me 100,000 dollars which is a sweet little bit of money for
your college fund,” He answered coming over wrapping an arm around my waist
hugging me to him.

“Money, we don’t need,” I said frowning grabbing his fingers trying to pry them
off of me as they dug into my skin, one of his knees pressing up against me
between my legs.

“We can always use more money anyone who tells you different is lying baby.
Besides he treats you well. I know Hank can be a little rough so I thought you
prefer Leo that and I kind of don’t want you near Hanks kid like I said before,
Leo doesn’t have any young kids anymore he admires you I’ve seen him with you
he knows all the right buttons to push,” He said his knee increasing pressure
making me gasp, “Oh fuck me I want you so bad,” he said licking his lips,
“Don’t give me that look if you weren’t so damn prefect …” he trailed off
looking at me his eyes boring a hole into me making me turn away ashamed that I
had nothing to cover myself with, that I had no escape.

“Why me?” I asked as he let me go and turned to leave.

“What?” He asked.

“I’m not stupid and neither are they,” I said pointing a finger casually at the
ceiling indicating I was talking about my brothers and sisters, “Why me?”

“If things had been different, if my life had been different I would have loved
to have a boy like you when I was younger. I just got lucky enough that I ended
up making one for myself,” he said smiling. “I see all the things I loved about
her once when I look at you. That fire when she would get slightly annoyed but
the fact that she still loved me. She doesn’t love me anymore at least not
right now. She might when she comes back but who knows? And you, no matter what
you do, how much you hate me in some way you will always love me.” He answered
his honesty taking me by surprise as he slipped out the door and closed it in
one motion.

I stood there frozen for a minute or two mulling his words over in my head. He
had just admitted everything I had only suspected. Everything that people had
only told me they suspected at that point that he was attracted to me, in love
with me in a way he shouldn’t be. Two words just kept repeating over and over
in my head like a flashing neon sign, “Oh shit”. I didn’t know what to do with
the information as it kept screaming at me inside my brain.

I knew what it all meant but I wanted clarification. A boy like me when he was
younger? Did he mean personality? Someone he could have easily controlled or
did he just mean a boy that looked like her? Like my mum. If he loved me so
much why did he pimp me out?

Was it punishment because he knew I didn’t love him back the same way, that I
never would be able to bring myself to feel that way about him no matter what
he did? I didn’t know but, I knew I was a lot like my mum. I wasn’t stupid and
I also hated the fact that he was right about the very last thing he said. That
no matter what I did or how badly he treated me there would always be a piece
of me that would love him, hope that he could be that good Da that he once was
to me and not what he had become. A rapist and a pedophile who forced me to do
things I didn’t want to do. Who made me hate everything I was.

I know I didn’t stand there for too long before crawling back into the bed and
closing my eyes hoping I could fade away into nothing. Even if it was only for
a couple of hours. My whole body was still beyond tired my brain feeling
confused and scared and fuzzy. The anxiety at a level where if it got any more
intense I knew I would crack. I sighed trying to ignore the feelings of disgust
my senses were evoking in me, the crawling feeling on my skin and the smell of
us and our sins in my nose turning stale around me.

I fell into an uneasy sleep for a while and into terrifying dreams. I was
somewhere dark, someplace I didn’t know and it felt like the whole world was
rocking slowly back and forth. I could hear screaming but I couldn’t see
anything. It felt cold, desperate and lonely an abyss of blackness and
hopelessness flooding my chest. There was no escape, nothing I could to do make
it go away. I sat up so suddenly I made myself feel dizzy and found myself
covered in a cold sweat as the door handle turned and the door opened.

“Did you sleep the entire time?” My Da asked me looking at my curiously.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I was tired I guess.”

“I’m that good huh?” He asked undoing the buttons on his blue button up making
me flitch as he sat down on the bed next to me, “Relax, we don’t have time for
any real fun we’re just going to fool around a bit. Lord said unless I brought
you upstairs and we had another conference I only had half an hour Alice will
bring something by for you to eat by that time too so we’ll just chill.” He
finally got his shirt unbuttoned and threw it on the floor as he pulled his
undershirt off quickly over his head before he launched himself at me pinning
me down against the pillows using his body weight to keep me there.

I immediately bit into my own tongue to keep from crying. Quick or messing
around usually meant him doing things to me. Things to make me hate myself. I
closed my eyes trying to slow my breathing while I screamed inside my head his
one hand massaging my collar bone lightly.

“Nervous?” He asked me his voice husky as he kissed me. Light pecks landing on
my mouth trying to gain entrance, trying to get his tongue past my lips. I
didn’t want this. I hated this I moaned lightly in response. “Now now baby,
come on be nice to me. I just want to make you feel good.”

“I real…” I managed to get out before his forced his tongue into my mouth
pressing me hard into the bed as he climbed on top of me.

I wanted to scream. I didn’t want him touching me I especially didn’t want him
on top of me with just a sheet between his clothes and my skin. His tongue slid
across my teeth tickling the roof of my mouth making me squirm as his hands
reached down and started playing with my nipples. I didn’t want this, god no
please no. After a couple minutes, he broke the kiss.

“Why aren’t you kissing back?” He asked me his eyes turning cold like steel.

“I, you surprised me,” I lied.

“You used to love kissing me,” he said biting my bottom lip playfully and
licking it lightly, “What happened?”

“Da you just surprised me. I wasn’t ready,” I said again.

“Why are you so moody lately?” He asked me pinching my right nipple making me
hiss out in pain.

“Why can’t you leave me alone? It’s my body Da,” I said before I could stop
myself.

“Your body?” He asked his brow furrowing in half amusement and half anger,
“We’ve been over this I made this,” He said pinching my nipple again harder
making me bite my mouth closed, “This body is mine and I’ll do with it whatever
I want to. I will make it jizz all over the place, I will make it twist in pain
and pleasure and I will give it to whomever I want to you understand? You just
get to be in it got me?” He said standing up and pulling the blankets from my
body leaving me only my hands to cover myself.

He threw all the covers on the ground his eyes hard and lust filled. I didn’t
know what to do but lay there was my insides froze, as goose bumps started to
prickle along my skin. He was going to hurt me.

“Don’t play shy, just lay back and enjoy it ok,” he said grabbing my wrists as
he scooted down so his face was at my waist as he forced my hands away.

“Please I’m begging you please,” I said trying to hardest not use the words no
don’t or stop because I knew I was very close to being hit as it was.

“You’ll like it I promise, I could always invite Ben in if you so desire,
otherwise if I were you I would keep my mouth shut,” He threatened me as he
laid feather light kisses on my waist line making me squirm.

I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing as his kisses started to trail
down my shaft. I didn’t want to stop breathing. I didn’t want to let him make
my body tingle but it did. It always did. His mouth worked its magic the ice
inside me spreading out making me work hard to blink back tears as I grabbed a
pillow and bit into it to keep my moans and screams muffled as I climaxed.

“Good yeah?” He asked me as I he moved the pillow from my face my eyes wide and
staring at him and he laughed, “You think you’ll cum like that for Leo?” He
said the name making me shudder and turn my gaze away from him, “Talk to me
baby, unless you feel like …well,” He said his hand that he had used to pull
himself even beside me inching up my thigh again making me jump.

“Please,” I barked pulling away.

“Then talk to me,” He commanded again.

“About what?” I asked bring my knees to my chest.

“Why you’ve been pulling away from me maybe? Why you seem to be so inside
yourself where I should be,” He said amusement in his eyes.

“You’ve basically banished me to your bedroom I’m not allowed to talk to my
best friend because you think we’re doing something we shouldn’t be. I’m tired,
I feel trapped,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Even after I made you cum so hard? Should I try again?” He asked cupping my
cheek with his hand, “If you just relax maybe you wouldn’t feel so trapped
maybe you would enjoy yourself as much as your body wants you to.”

“I just want to…,” I shook my head knowing he didn’t want to hear what I had to
say, knowing he didn’t care what plea I was going to utter.

“What?” He asked me pressing his face into my neck gently his hands grasping at
my hips as he straddled me, “You just want to what?”

“Have some control,” I finished his eyes boring into my own looking into my
soul.

“You’re just a kid you don’t get control yet, I know what’s best for you,” He
said pressing hard into my lap making me whine as he grinded against me forcing
my lips to his forcing his tongue back into my mouth.

He kissed me as I tried to pull away. To put some distance between his body and
my trapped one. I didn’t want this I didn’t want him on me. Not after he had
just violated me like that, forcing me to climax despite my best efforts.

“God, you feel so good,” he breathed into my skin as he nipped at my already
bruised neck, “If I had more time…god if I had more time I’d make you cum until
you couldn’t cum anymore you taste so good, every bit of you.”

I tensed against his touch. I wanted him to stop to let me go to just let me
breathe. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want his hands on me anymore. I whined
and he looked at me laughing lightly amusement still lighting up his eyes.

“I’ll have time later,” he said finally shifting his weight off of me, “Alice
should be here with your food soon. You should eat trust me. Leo likes keeping
the mess down so he might not feed you while you’re there. Alice will bring
something down to you,” He said kissing my cheek as he got up putting his shirt
back on and then throwing his button up on before standing up and leaving
shutting the door swiftly behind him.

I felt humiliated. My body giving into him giving him what he wanted every
single time. I hated this. I heard a sound outside the bedroom and thought it
was him coming back for a second tensing and then I realized it was probably
Alice leaving food on the table outside the room. I grabbed one of his dirty
shirts that was two times too big for me and threw it on opening the door in
time to see Alice’s back retreating from the door.

“You still think I’m choosing this?” I hissed at her having to swallow as she
turned around to look at me.

“Listen sugar I got my own family to take care of all right? I’m sorry things
are so hard for you but he pays me good money and most of it is to look the
other way. You’ll be fine you just have to wait it out,” She said.

“That’s easy for you to say!” I hissed, “You’re not the one…” I couldn’t fight
back my tears. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. To say she didn’t have to
feel his hands on her, that she didn’t have to hear him mutter praises against
her skin as her body betrayed her. As he claimed it was his to own, to use.

“Look sugar, I might know better than you believe I do. My Daddy wasn’t like
yours my daddy was a good man when he was around but when he wasn’t my mama
didn’t hang around with the best men. Being a girl is hard sugar you should try
it sometime,” She sighed looking at me pity in her eyes stretching across her
face.

“When it’s not me anymore it’s going to be them,” I said reminding her of my
younger siblings, her charges.

“That might be true but maybe if you can pull yourself together and your mama
comes back from wherever he has her put up they’ll be able to do it. They’ll be
ok. I’m going to teach them everything I know about surviving and they’ll have
you. Did you know they love you? When they fall down they don’t cry for their
mama or Daddy or even Willy, they cry for you, they cry for their Jack that’s
your nickname ain’t it?” She said looking at me.

“Only when their upset,” I answered quietly, “It started in Montana I just…I
hate being me so I decided Jack made more sense.”

“Catlin and Jamie ask after you all the time when you’re sleeping because you
are always sleeping,” She said, “I don’t doubt things are hard for you. I’m
sorry I said what I said but you could fight harder.”

“I don’t fight because if I do he goes to one of them,” I said, “And I can’t
let that happen.”

“Sugar in all honesty you can’t stop it from happening because whether you want
to know it or not he’s hurting those kids if it’s not him it’s that damn Uncle
of yours. Be nicer to yourself sugar, fight for you, all right? Eat your food.
You aint been eating right you and I both know it and it’s not going to make
life any easier for you,” She sighed turning away and walking towards the lift.

I grabbed my plate of lunch a hamburger and some chips or so it appeared until
I bit into it and it didn’t taste like a regular hamburger making my stomach
feel weird. It tasted slightly like rubber and carrots so I spit it into the
toilet and focused more on the chips. I ate about half of them before my
stomach felt like it was going to rebel at any second. I stopped and sat down
in the chair, taking the remote from the basket on the side table. I turned on
the TV surfing through the channels because I didn’t know what else to do.
After mindlessly staring at the TV and flipping around for a while I heard a
noise outside the door that had me worried until it popped open a little head
of red pigtails poked inside.

“Catty why aren’t you with Alice or Will,” I asked her coming over to her and
getting on my knees hugging her so she didn’t see anything she didn’t need to
see.

“Alice said Da said you couldn’t come upstairs to play with me so I thought
maybe I could come downstairs to play with you,” She answered me.

“Firefly,” I sighed, “I’m not in the mood to play ok?”

“But I know you’re sad and when I’m sad I like to play Barbie so I thought
maybe you wanted to play Barbie and I could be Skipper,” Catty said showing me
her dolls.

“Can we watch a movie instead?” I asked sheepishly.

“Yeah,” She said nodding her head, “Do you know when mum is coming back?” She
asked me as I grabbed a blanket off the end of the bed to drape over my lap and
hide my nakedness from her as I sat down in the chair and she climbed into my
lap.
 
“No Firefly,” I said shaking my head, “I have no idea but I know I miss her.”

“Uncle Ben said that Da was keeping you here so he could…,” She trailed off her
cheeks turning pink.

“Don’t listen to Uncle Ben. Da is keeping me here just because he wants to not
for any other reason,” I said trying to hide the truth from her. I didn’t want
her to think of me as I was. As Da’s fuck toy or his whore. She didn’t need to
know that. She knew he had done bad things to me in the past but, I didn’t know
to what extent mum had told her about it and I wasn’t going to give her more
information than she already had so I made an excuse.

“So, he isn’t keeping you in here so he can touch your privates?” She asked me
bluntly causing me the blink hard at her.

“Huh,” I managed before shaking my head. This was not a conversation for a
five-year-old however I had to slowly remind myself she wasn’t a normal five-
year-old. That we weren’t a normal family by a long shot.

“He’s not doing it to me anymore, not since we got home,” She said when I
didn’t answer.

I cleared my throat, “That’s good,” I answered.

“Is he still doing it to you?” She asked me again.

“Catty, we don’t ask people that ok? Other people’s private areas aren’t up for
discussion,” I answered.

“Matty says that it’s normal, that it’s all normal,” Catty said.

“Matty is sick Kitty Cat,” I answered using the pet name mum had given her,
“It’s hard to explain but there is something wrong with his head because of Da
and Uncle Ben so he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“I thought he was sick but is he sick like Da is sick?” Catty asked.

“I think so,” I answered just as the door opened making me jump five feet in
the air.

“There you are! Where were you Catty you can’t go wondering off, you have Alice
having a fit!” Will said looking worried, “Hey.” He said looking at me.

“Hi,” I said quietly, “You heard him, go upstairs, go to Alice.” I said shooing
Cat playfully.

“But I thought we were going to watch a movie,” She said pouting.

“Later Cat, all right? Love you,” I said.

“Ok,” She sighed exaggeratedly grabbing her Barbie’s from the floor where she
had left them, “I love you too.” She said before running out the door to the
lift.

Will watched her go and then shut the door behind him, “How are you?” he asked
me.

I shrugged my shoulders, “It was nice to see someone even if it worried me a
little bit.”

“Why did it worry you? Seeing her?” Will asked.

“She said some stuff about Matty. Asked some questions a five-year-old
shouldn’t ask, said something a five-year-old shouldn’t have to worry about,” I
answered simply.

“They aren’t ever going to be normal, not when we’re stuck here,” Will
answered, “I mean in Montana I kind of hoped maybe it would be different for
them. I mean I know you and I are fucked for life but, them, they had a chance
but now…” he trailed off.

“Language little brother,” I said smirking lightly and he did the same.

“Shut up like you don’t swear?” He scoffed looking at me still smiling.

“At least I have a teen in my age so it’s more acceptable,” I said.

“Is it acceptable for you to make out with guys without a shirt in front of
your little brother or to have them hold you while you cry naked none the
less?” He asked me cocking an eyebrow.

I felt a blush creep into my face, “That first one lead to a very interesting
conversation,” I commented, “I honestly didn’t know how to explain exactly. He
asked if it was the same as…” I faltered, “As what Da did and if it wasn’t why
it was different.”

“What did you tell him?” Will asked.

“I told him because with Da I didn’t want it but Pat would never do anything I
didn’t want,” I answered simply, “That there is a difference between the way
Pat makes me feel and the way Da does. I compared it to certain people at
school how sometimes you like one and are ok with them hugging you but you
might not be with someone else.”

“That’s actually a really good explanation, probably felt very awkward though
I’m betting,” Will said a smile creeping back onto his face.

“No shit,” I said shaking my head, “I’m just glad Pat and I aren’t well…you
know.”

“I think it’s pretty normal for 13-year old’s not to be having sex. I mean I’d
be lying if I said I didn’t kind of want to know what it feels like to actually
be touched by someone like that, that you wanted touching you. You know I
wonder about it we’ve talked about it,” he said, “But from what I understand
people our age don’t really think about it that often. Going that far I mean.”

“Well, Heather and I used to make out a lot. Nothing under our clothes or
anything but she once asked if she could see me like all of me,” I said, “I
told her I wasn’t comfortable with that and she said I wasn’t allowed to touch
her tits anymore until I did so after that things kind of slowed down.”

“Really? Heather? I never would have guessed,” he mused, “Did she know
about...”

“No,” I shook my head, “Not until right before we left. I didn’t want her to
know what a freak I am.”

Will sighed, “If that makes someone a freak then we’re all freaks.”

I felt the lump in my throat growing bigger, starting to make it hard to
breathe I didn’t want to cry in front of my little brother. He had seen me fall
apart too many times recently if I did he would really know how fragile I was
and I couldn’t deal with that. With his worry that I was breaking.

“Pat called and asked after you,” Will said, “I didn’t tell him but he guessed.
He’s worried and he thinks it’s unfair that Da won’t let you leave this room.”

“So, you didn’t tell him but he knows?” I asked feeling sick, feeling
embarrassed and weak.

“Yeah, he said he’s going to come over Saturday with or without Da’s permission
and he’s going to see you,” Will said, “He must really love you even though if
you were my boyfriend I’d personally be worried about what Da would do to you
after I left.”
“I won’t be here Saturday,” I said realization hitting me. I’d be at Leo’s that
was the plan, I’d be Leos for the weekend and every weekend after for the next
six months.

“What? Where are you going to be?” Will said frowning and I felt my throat
tighten as I pushed back a sob.

I was silent until I felt like I could speak, “Leo’s.” Was all I managed to say
before I slammed my hand over my mouth so that I didn’t have to hear my own
sobs trying to stuff them back down my throat before they ever escaped from my
mouth.

“You’re kidding!” Will said his mouth agape as he looked at me in horror.

All I could do was shake my head in response. I didn’t know what to say. So, I
wasn’t the only one who was afraid of Leo? I just shook my head blinking,
trying to keep my tears under control, trying to keep myself from having a
meltdown.

“Fuck!” Will hissed, “And Da’s still? Maybe I can distract him tonight? Talk to
him, get him to back off, forget about sending you to Leo? I don’t know but I
know that whatever he is punishing you for, it doesn’t mean you deserve this.”

“It won’t work,” I sighed dragging a hand through my hair, “He says I’m his
until he gives me to Leo. Leo has contracted me I’m stuck, I’m theirs,” I said
shuddering as the words came out of my mouth.

“What the fuck happened? Is this because of Pat sticking up for you? Because he
suspects you two are…a thing?” Will asked me.

“I’m his,” I told Will not able to look at him anymore, “I’m his and he wants
to make sure I know it. I’m not allowed to be with anyone he’s not ok with,
talk to anyone he says I can’t talk to. He wants me with Leo so I’m going to be
with Leo and I’m going to…”

“John no! You can’t let him break you. You don’t belong to anyone but yourself.
Don’t let him do this to you,” Will pleaded with me.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do Will? What the fuck do I do then if I don’t
do this? If it’s not me it’s you, or it’s one of the twins or its fucking James
am I supposed to let that happen? At least I know what Leo is like, at least…”
I trailed off knowing what I would have said next would have been a lie. I
couldn’t deal with Leo. I knew I couldn’t deal with Leo and the way he made me
feel, at least not in a functional way.

“At least what? I was locked in that basement I heard the things they said
about you when you were in the other room. Leo is just as bad as Da is John. He
kept saying something about doubles, I don’t even know what the fuck that is
but it sounds fucking scary,” Will said.

“It hurts, it hurts a lot doubles,” I said shaking my head not wanting to think
about it anymore. The searing paint that felt like I was being ripped apart
from the inside out starting at my butt and working its way up my whole spine.
Da’s face as he smiled the predator behind his eyes giddy with excitement as
the Leader was behind me...

“I don’t get it. What is it?” Will asked me again this time more softly almost
like he was afraid of the reaction having me answer would provoke but like he
was desperate to know.

“It’s…,” I did my best to swallow my whole mouth going dry my brain still in
the middle of it, “It’s when two of them…” I sighed trailing off before I tried
again, “You know how they do different things right?”

“Yeah,” Will said nodding his head.

“You know how they sometimes, stick their…” I felt my face going red.

“You mean anal sex, yes. Yes, I’m very aware that’s a thing they do that they
really enjoy,” Will said slight annoyance in his voice at how coy I was being.

“It’s when two of them do that, at the same time,” I managed to mumble.

“How does that work?” Will asked me confused like he was trying to picture it
in his head.

“Will could we not talk about it?” I asked him.

“It was just something Leo mentioned so I was wondering exactly what it was,”
He answered me.

“What context did he use it in?” I asked him.

“He said he wanted Doubles with Da and you to…are you ok?” He asked me his eyes
going wide as I started to feel sick to my stomach.

I got up from the bed and ran to the bathroom making it to the sink before I
started throwing up all over the place. I heard Will swear somewhere behind me.
I couldn’t do that ever again. I couldn’t do that, that had hurt way too much.
I felt when Will got up behind me and I turned on the sink to wash my sick down
the drain.

I flinched before he could touch me because I knew he was going to rub my back
and I couldn’t stand the thought of being touched. I looked at him and he took
a couple steps back sadness flashing in his eyes. He knew what I was feeling
and he respected it even if it hurt him.

“I can’t do that again,” I said shaking my head feeling myself starting to
panic.

“He said he wanted to. He didn’t say they were going to,” Will answered looking
at me knowing the panic that was rushing through my head.

“I can’t. It really hurts Will, like that really really hurts. I thought I was
going to die,” I managed before tears started spilling down my cheeks.

“Who was it?” Will asked frowning, “Who did that to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered shaking my head as I finished
rinsing my puke down the drain and went to go sit down back in the chair
pulling my knees up under Da’s old shirt that I was wearing pulling them to my
chest.
“Was it Da?” He asked me and when I didn’t move or say anything he sighed
heavily, “Da and who? Leo?”

“It was at Christmas,” I answered, “I didn’t know him yet.”

“Who was at Christmas? Hank and Arthur and the Leader,” He watched me and I
must have visibly shuddered at the mention, “It was him, wasn’t it? The same
guy who raped James? Lord. That fucking pervert. I swear to fucking god if he’s
alive when I’m old enough I will skin him alive.”

“Don’t Will,” I shook my head, “Don’t it’s not worth it.”

“You and James aren’t worth it? Are you fucking kidding me? They have tortured
you John you have any idea how much you’ve changed since…since he brought us
here from home? I honestly thought you were broken when I saw you in that Apron
after he had you locked up here for like a month when we first got here, this,
you right now this is broken. That he doesn’t have to lock you in here to keep
you from leaving this room that’s broken,” Will said has he turned away
stomping his foot lightly. I knew he was trying not to cry.

“I’m not broken just tired,” I answered, “What time is it?”

“Almost three,” Will said, “I have to go and help Alice.”

“Yeah you should go he’ll be off work soon and …” I shivered.

“I seriously will try and see if there is anything I can do. You know that,
right?” Will asked me.

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head, “He’ll just do whatever with you and then come
back here and…” I trailed off not wanting to say the words, not wanting to
think about how it was going to be, him on top of me, saying those things,
doing those things.

Will nodded his head. Knowing it was true. That he would rape Will and then
probably come back downstairs and climb into bed just to rape me. I hated my
life. I hated the fact that it was only Thursday and tomorrow after he did
whatever with me that night, Friday morning and then Friday afternoon I was
supposed to go to Leo’s and let him rape me until I couldn’t see straight. That
I even had to let them do it. It hurt. The whole thing hurt.

“You know I love you, right?” Will asked me causing me to look up from my knees
which I still had tucked against my chest in the chair.

“I know. I love you too,” I answered as Will sighed standing up from the floor
where he was sitting.

“Just, hang on ok? We need you,” He said glumly.

“I’m trying really I am I just... I don’t know I’m really tired Will,” I said
and Will nodded his head.

“I’ll see you later,” I said as he opened the door and stepped out into the
hallway shutting it behind him. Leaving me alone.

I sighed thinking I should probably get some sleep or something before he got
off at work. Sure, it wouldn’t be a lot of sleep but knowing Leo I would need
all the sleep I could get for the upcoming weekend. The upcoming weekend that
made me stomach turn sour and black spots dance in my vision just thinking
about. I curled up into a ball in the bed that still smelt like stale sex and
body odor and managed to fall asleep.

I was tired. I had to have been really tired because it wasn’t the door opening
that woke me up but him climbing into the bed and placing his hand on my hip as
he started pulling the hem of the shirt I was wearing up trying to get it off
my body. I blinked looking at the clock it read late around 11.

I moaned in protest as he hushed me, “It’s ok baby, just relax,” he breathed
into.my ear kissing it and then kissing down my neck as his hand reached around
the front of me to grab me.

“No,” I whimpered trying to pull away.

He punched me in the side. Hard. Really hard causing me to gasps in surprise
and pain. That was new. He had never really hurt me like that before. There had
always been threats and restraining, he had even punched me in the face once or
twice but never had he really hit me anywhere to cause serious pain.

“You’re getting loose with your use of that word, you don’t tell me no you
understand?” He hissed at me as I tried to curl myself into a tighter ball so I
could protect myself from his wandering hands, “Come on baby, don’t be like
that I just want to make you feel good ok?” He whispered into my skin somewhere
between my shoulders.

I bit back a cry as my whole body tensed. It had really hurt being punched in
the side really fucking hurt and I was beyond surprised. I didn’t want this. I
didn’t want any of this I was tired and I just wanted to sleep. As I curled
tighter around myself I heard him sigh heavily as he laid another kiss on the
nape of my neck.

“I have an idea,” He sighed getting up off the bed.

I didn’t look when he got up. Maybe I should have. Maybe I shouldn’t have said
no maybe it would have happened anyway but when he came back to the bed he had
three ties with him. I couldn’t understand why he would bring his ties to bed
and it confused me.

“We’re going to play a game,” He said sitting so that he was in front of me
instead of behind me so he could see my face, “I think it might be easier for
you if you can’t see.” He said holding one out as he got ready to tie it around
my eyes.

“Da do you really…” I started to question trying to back up as he leaned his
body weight forward onto one of my arms keeping me from scooting away.

“Now you can leave the tie there and be a good boy or if you don’t want to I’ll
tie your arms to the bedpost got it? I don’t want any fighting you fight I will
drag you downstairs and any rewards for good behavior before you go to Leo’s
tomorrow evening will be canceled you understand?” He said looking at me
closely.

“What rewards?” I asked timidly afraid of his answer. Afraid it wasn’t going to
be a reward at all but something I would hate.

“Dinner with your brothers and sisters before you leave, information about your
mum because I know they keep asking you about her because I’m not stupid. A
promise that Ben will keep his hands to himself,” He answered me.

I sighed. Did I actually believe him? I wanted to spent time with them I did I
just didn’t know what to say to them. However, knowing about mum, where she
was, how she was doing if she was going to come home soon. That was appealing
because as conflicted as my relationship with my mum was she had tried to
protect me. She had tried so hard to protect me to the point where she had
uprooted us to get away from him.

She had Put us all in therapy and gotten herself 2 full time jobs in order to
support us in Montana. I wanted my mum if I couldn’t have Pat and I knew I
couldn’t have him. That my Da was pushing to control every bit of me he could
and that going against that in any way was a very bad idea and what had
probably earned me my contract with Leo to begin with. I nodded my head in
response.

“Ok baby, sit up,” he said smiling at me happily.

I sat up leaning up against the head board and I allowed him to do it. Fumbling
with the tie tying it around my eyes so that the whole room went dark. Just my
sight being thrown into pitch black made me shutter. Reminded me of the
basement. I formed fists at my sides to keep my hands from shaking, keep myself
from yanking the thing off my face. I laid there still as I felt his hands on
the outside of my legs pulling the blankets away and pushing them to the foot
of the bed. He grabbed my knee caps and I relented my breath catching, heaving
as I tried to relax, tried to allow him to do what he wanted with me and I
spread my legs so he could settle between them his hands gently rubbing up and
down the length of the inside of my thighs.

“You have a beautiful body you know that?” He mumbled as he grabbed my penis
and started rubbing making me jump, “Your size is really fucking impressive for
your age and your cum taste so good. You’re my little cum slut,” He said before
I felt his mouth go around me making me whimper as I tried to stay still and
not tell him to stop, not scream out a protest.

My chest was heaving as I tried to stay silent, tried to breathe. I hated the
way he could make my body feel. I hated the way he made it so easy to hate
myself. How it didn’t seem like anything I did mattered how all of them always
managed to make me orgasm no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

Cool air hit my sensitive wet skin as he let me drop from his mouth, “You can
make sounds you know? There’s no one on this floor I like it when you make
those sounds baby I really do,” he said before he went back to blowing me. I
felt something seize around me his throat opening up to take me in as far as he
could and before I could stop myself I moaned loudly my face heating up.

This was wrong this was so wrong and I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this at
all. I slammed a hand over my mouth to try and keep myself silent as I
struggled to do anything to distract my body from what was happening, wiggling
my foot, digging my nails into the palms of my hands just anything to give me
something else to focus on.

He slid his tongue down my balls sucking and biting at them which made me bite
into my tongue and after a minute he grabbed my hand and I allowed him to pull
it away from my face, “I want to hear you.” He breathed the words traveling on
my skin making me shiver making me wish I was dead.

I couldn’t keep myself from shaking like I was cold partly because I was but
also because I was scared. Because like I have stated and keep saying he had
never hit me that hard before and I didn’t know exactly what to do about it but
I did know I didn’t want him to hit me again. I felt him put me back in his
mouth and this time I gasped loudly as it caught me by surprise again the
feeling of the blood starting to pool in my groin as he did things to me. He
easily made me climax and then when I thought he would be finished he moved
slightly and rolled me over so I was laying on my stomach.

“We haven’t done it this way in a little while huh baby?” He whispered into my
ear sucking on my ear lobe as he licked down my spine his tongue finding its
way to my asshole making me gasp as he massaged my ass cheeks.

It made me think of Vic. Of how he had done that to show my Da he was one of
the group. Remembering it caused me to tense up which only made him more eager,
his tongue moving in a circle around my entertance before I felt his fingers
breech me making me squirm.

I gasped. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want to have sex with him. I didn’t want
him on top of me. I didn’t want to be blind folded. I didn’t want any of it.

I allowed myself to start silently crying as my body betrayed me as he started
hitting that spot that made my breath catch and made my chest tighten. As the
pressure in my body started to build. Before I knew it, he was inside of me
pressing against me hard his finger nails lightly digging into my hips as I bit
my lips to keep myself from giving him the noises he was trying to extract from
me.

“God your so fucking tight,” he moaned into the center of my upper back kissing
me between my shoulder blades as he pushed in and out. The pain not nearly
enough to keep my body from responding to the pleasure as he hit against my
prostate. Each little brush causing the pressure to build back up as I tried my
hardest to bite back my screams and moans out of fear that I would yell at him
to stop and I would be hit again.

“Oh, fuck I love you, you feel so fucking amazing,” he moaned his pace
quickening as he approached climax, “You love it don’t you baby?” He asked his
hands starting to massage my back and sides as he got closer, “Oh fuck yeah,
doesn’t it feel good because this feels really fucking good to me. God, I
fucking love your hole, oh fuck yes.” He practically screamed as he released
inside me all of his weight landing on top of me for me a minute making me feel
crushed, exhausted.

I felt his hands trying to flip me over and I tensed. I couldn’t do this, I
couldn’t let it happen again but it did. Because he was stronger and bigger
than I was. Because I was a kid. I was a scrawny 13-year-old while he was a
grown man so it was easy for him to flip me over, to shove his fingers back
inside my already tender and violated ass filled with his discharge as his
mouth went around me again making me make a sound somewhere between a hum and a
hiss.

I felt his finger speed up their movement as he started to suck and lick more
vigorously my sound having encouraged him because it was a sound somewhere
between pleasure and protest. I fisted the sheets beside me trying to dig my
hands into the firmness of the mattress to give myself something to focus on,
something that felt secure but. it didn’t work. My body forsaking me again as
he swallowed me into his throat my climax hitting me like an earthquake
splitting the earth open. A throaty moan escaping from my lips before I could
stop it from wrenching free.

When he was done, we were both panting breathless. My eyes were still covered
by the blind fold as he kissed and licked my pubic bone every bit of pressure
eliciting a moan or hiss as I shivered my body over stimulated, extra sensitive
to his touch. I felt dirty. Betrayed like my body was the knife being shoved
into my back as I turned away and he was the welder taking my life from me. I
felt his weight shift, his body finally breaking contact with mine and then his
hands on my face sliding the tie off freeing my eyes the dim light hitting me
like the light of a thousand suns.

“That was beyond amazing,” he said smiling at me happily making the hair on the
back of my neck prickle even more in fear as he kissed my cheek, “Are you
tired? Because I’m really tired you were great. We should go to sleep.”
I nodded my head numbly not sure if I could even form a coherent word as he
turned over and turned off the light plunging us into darkness. I laid there
stiff as a board as he started to curl himself around me putting his head
against my chest as I laid there. After a few minutes of silence, he sighed and
shifted his weight away from me.

“You’re so tense I thought you would be relaxed, you never relax baby,” He
muttered against my nipple causing me to start shaking again which made him
sigh even louder, “Go splash some water on your face or something because you
are way too tense.” He said rolling over.

I set my foot down starting to put weight on my legs I could barely feel my
knees feeling like jelly a slight searing pain spreading down from my tail bone
as my hips and butt shifted with my first step. I managed to make my way to the
bathroom in the dark without tripping over myself or my knees giving out under
me and when I got there I shut the door and turned on the light sitting on the
floor against the door my whole body still trembling as I felt the sticky fluid
leaking down the back of my thighs. I wanted a shower but was pretty sure I
didn’t have permission to do so.

I sat there thinking about whether I should do it anyway just to get the
feeling of him off of my skin, get the feeling of him inside my body away when
I thought I heard a noise which caused me to jump in reflex almost hitting my
head on the corner of the sink next to me. I listened holding my breath hoping
he wasn’t awake, hoping he would leave me alone and just give me ten minutes of
peace to still my panicked and disquieted mind and body. I didn’t hear any
movement allowing myself to try and relax.

When I felt stable I stood up and quietly walked over to the shower opening the
stall. I didn’t dare turn on the water there but grabbed the wash cloth and
went back to the sink where I washed myself using the sink wiping him off my
skin a little bit at a time so that I would be dry when I left the bathroom. I
splashed water on my face trying to ignore the mouthwash that was sitting on
the sink.

I wanted a drink. I needed a drink but, I had tried my damnedest to stay sober.
Not only because being sober was good for my health but because once we had
gotten home and they had taken mum away I had been the only one everyone could
depend on to fight for them at least when it came to my Da but it was getting
harder. Sleeping with him was making it harder and Leo, the thought of Leo and
spending the weekend with him was nearly too much.

I sighed feeling my throat tighten as I looked at the bottle. Sure, it wasn’t
the best or most pleasant way to get pissed but it would work and I knew it
would work. I wanted it. I wanted to check out to be able to not feel anymore.
To be able to close my eyes and not see them on top of me, not feel their hands
touching me, not feel their bodies pressed tightly against mine. I wanted peace
even if was only temporary.

All of the sudden the door opened and he was standing there. The water in the
sink still running with the wash cloth in it. I saw his eyes dart to the sink
and then come back to me the expression there going cold.

“You’re so lucky Leo wants you otherwise I would beat the shit out of you right
now. I didn’t give you permission to wash me off you, did I? Leo will have to
come up with something special he’ll enjoy it I’m sure,” he said sounding and
looking smug as I used my hands to cover myself not wanting to be that exposed
in front of him.

“I’m sorry I-I-I just needed to. Please don’t be mad,” I sighed giving up
trying to explain my way out of any punishment he might think up.

“I don’t see why you are so edger every time to get rid of us. There is nothing
wrong with it baby. You’ve just been brain washed by your mum to think there
is. What we have is special one day you’ll realize that.” He said to me.
“There’s no reason for you to be ashamed. If you need a break though you should
try looking less attractive, then maybe people would stop asking for you and I
wouldn’t be so hungry for you.” He added randomly coming up to me and hugging
me pulling me close to his body.

It only took a second before his hands started wandering down my back side. I
tried to pull away softly put some distance between us, “Please, I’m still
sore.” I said desperately trying to give him any reason not to do it again, not
to force himself on me.
“It’s ok baby, I won’t do that, this can be about you ok?” He said as he
started shuffling backwards out the bathroom door his arms still around me.

“Can I use the D word?” I asked cautiously remembering how I used to handle
addressing him when it came to the words don’t no or stop as he continued
pulling me gently back towards the bed.

“Context?” He asked pausing to eye me carefully.

“Feelings,” I answered biting my lip nervously, something flashing in his eyes
as I made the gesture something I didn’t like.

“That was cute, you’re sexy when you’re nervous,” he said smiling at me making
me gulp lightly as I quit chewing on my lip, “Yes, you can use it to describe
your feelings.”

“I don’t like it when you do that. . I feel like I’m dying inside when you do
that,” I answered knowing hearing it described that way might make him mad
preparing myself to be hit.

He started massaging my collar bone as he looked at me intently. I knew this
was bad the look in his eyes betrayed what he was thinking as he grabbed my
throat and squeezed lightly. Not hard to enough to cut off my air but just
enough to let me know it was a warning, “That might be what you think you feel
but you don’t know what you’re feeling. This is my body remember? And I know
what it wants, what it likes and I know it loves cumming for me. Don’t lie
again you’re getting a little too old for me to put up with your attitude
understand?”

I nodded my head averting my gaze. Was this what mum meant when she said she
knew what I was going through? I knew he used to hit her when he got angry that
he wasn’t always nice to her but I didn’t imagine he was that violent with her
all the time.

“Good, come on baby, it helps me relax, your juice just taste so good it’ll
help us both fall asleep,” He said as he turned so I was facing the bed instead
of him.

He pushed me back into it lightly and I felt my body starting to freeze up. I
didn’t want him doing that. I started trying to crawl towards the head of the
bed as he leaned forward into me licking my belly button wrapping his arms
around my thighs to keep my legs spread as I let out a whine of protest.

Of course, he didn’t care. He never cared, he never listened. He went down on
me in the dark his tongue all over my lower body, my shaft, my balls, my
asshole. Everywhere making me squirm and squeal despite my best efforts to keep
quiet, keep in control. By the time he was done I was shivering and I couldn’t
stand the thought of anyone ever touching me again.

“You are so fucking amazing,” He rasped scooting up the bed and into the
pillows, “Come on baby don’t make me move you get up here and cuddle with me
and we’ll go to sleep.”

I sighed using my upper body to scoot my way up into the pillows my legs and
lower body feeling half-dead. And laid down beside him where he curled around
me pulling me into his chest. I felt dead inside. Truly dead.

I knew I was breathing, I knew I was alive but I felt like it didn’t matter
anymore. I probably laid there for hours upon hours until he was snoring and
rolled away from me in his sleep.
When I knew he was sound asleep I got up and slowly opened the door my heart
pounding in my ears the whole entire time and managed to make it downstairs
still naked, still exposed without anyone seeing me. I used the stairs inside
the pantry afraid that the elevator moving would wake him up, wake anyone up. I
wasn’t thinking about my promise to hold on, I wasn’t thinking about them. I
was thinking about how I was so tired, how it didn’t matter what I did I was
trapped how Da had raped me over and over until I couldn’t see straight my
entire life and how Leo was going to do the same thing. I took the stairs
slowly, methodically.
            When I made it out of the pantry I nearly stumbled over my own feet
not being able to see clearly through the darkness and my tears as I moved
slowly down the hall, looking at every picture, every piece of furniture, every
wall trying to take it in and commit it to memory give me something good to
hold onto. When I made it to my bedroom I thought about sitting down, writing
something a sorry, anything but I couldn’t if I did I knew I would lose my
courage. I went to the bathroom and started the water as hot as I could stand
and filled the tub with it and then when the tub was full I took the tool kit
out from under my sink and opened it pulling out the box cutter and sat down
allowed my body to adjust to the temperature and then I took it in my left hand
and pressed it against my right wrist as hard as I could the pain causing my
hand to tremor as I pulled it up the middle the of my wrist towards me the
blood blossoming from the opening with the burning pain as I lowered my arm
into the water. I laid there with my eyes closed and started to feel sleepy and
I thought of happy things as I started to drift away thinking it would all be
over soon. That I would finally be free.
***** 10 *****
Chapter Summary
     John wakes up. Something he really was hoping wouldn't happen and he
     knows he's in trouble he just doesn't know what type of trouble. His
     Da tells him his fate at least part of it.
Chapter Notes
     170 to 183. Yes, he's still alive. If you've never been to the
     hospital most of them aren't like this I mean with the rape and stuff
     like that rarely happens. I mean I'm sure it does but, most of the
     hospitals I've been in it's not something that does happen and in
     fact they keep male and female patients pretty separated just to
     avoid that and keep it from happening. Some of them are actually good
     places that help people. Warnings: Talk of suicide attempts, drug
     use, rape/non-con, homicidal behaviors, anger problems, mental health
     issues, it's a mental hospital I mean come on, RAPE/Non-con (of
     course), Asshole adults, most of these warnings apply to the next
     chapter only a little bit to this one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know what happened, how long I was there even though it was apparently
long enough for me to lose a lot of blood, almost enough blood to Exsanguinate
to death. I know from what I’ve been told over the years Will found me the
water red around me, my breathing shallow my body pale. I was unresponsive for
three days.

When I woke up all I remember is a pounding headache and then the lights as I
opened my eyes before I moaned, “FUCK!” I tried to yell but found my voice a
horse whisper and then heard movement in the room as I uttered the word again.
“Hi Johnathan welcome back to the world,” I heard a female voice say, “How are
you feeling?”

“I’m fucking alive how exactly do you think I’m feeling?” I managed to say
clearly after clearing my throat.

“I’m Dr. Reeve can you tell why you wanted to kill yourself?” She asked making
it sound like she was asking what I thought of the weather.

“Because I’m tired,” I answered simply.

“Can you open your eyes for me?” She asked me.

“My head is pounding,” I answered simply.

“You have to open my eyes for me Johnathan you’ve been in a coma for three
days,” Dr. Reeve said.

I blinked opening my eyes to see someone who looked too young to be a doctor,
she had mossy brown curly hair and eyes that betrayed an optimistic outlook on
life. I sighed as I sat up slowly and looked around me an IV my left hand while
my right was bandaged to the point where I couldn’t really move it.

She took my vitals and made me flex my hand slowly. Telling me that permanent
nerve damage was possible. She left the room and said she would be back shortly
but that I seemed like I was luckily fine despite my almost successful attempt
to take my life.
“He’s going to fucking kill me,” I muttered to myself and would have shook my
head if it hadn’t been pounding my throat hadn’t been so dry.

“He’s not going to kill you anytime soon kiddo,” I heard making me jump as I
turned toward the door.

Vic was standing there smiling at my sadly shaking his head, “I’m not going to
hurt you. I’m here to check on you. I’m still your doctor,” he said shutting
the door behind me.

“The doctor that tossed my salad get out,” I hissed looking at him.

“John, I’m sorry I had to if I didn’t I would have blown my cover they would
kill me if they knew. It was the least invasive thing I could think of,” he
said apologetically.

“What happens now?” I asked choking back tears.

“Well, if you’re medically stable you’ll go to Wood Haven for a while. They’ll
treat you put you on some medication. You’ll work on somethings,” he said still
staying by the door.

“Is that where my mum is?” I asked.

“I’m not supposed to tell you, you know?” He answered looking at me sadly.

“You owe me because it’s going to take a lot for me to forgive you,” I
muttered.

“Yes, that’s where she is,” he answered, “You do know I really am sorry don’t
you?”

“You know what he did after you left right?” I asked looking at him as he
shifted under my gaze.

“That’s the hard part about what I do for them. I can’t stop them and sometimes
I really want to,” he said quietly, “I know it won’t be easy for you to forgive
me and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself but maybe one day we can be
friends again.”
“He was going to give me to him,” I said suddenly as Vic turned to open the
door, “He was going to give me to Leo for the weekend to do…”

“Is that why?” He asked me, “Why you tried to kill yourself?”

“I’m,” I started crying rolling my eyes trying to clear the tears, “I’m his
property. I can’t have my mum, I can’t have Pat. I’m alone. I can’t even have
my own body. He got mad at me for wiping myself off for wiping him off me, his
cum off of me.”
“You’re not alone John, you have brothers and sisters that are here for you
that you can talk to, that love you and will support you no matter what,” Vic
said.

“I can’t talk to them about this, I can’t tell them what to expect I can’t do
that to them, I can’t. I can’t let them know what he…”

“John, look at me,” he said suddenly before I turned away, “No look at me I
need you to look at me and listen. This is going to be hard for you to hear but
you need to hear it. Most of them what he’s done to you, what he does to you
he’s already done to them. There isn’t any reason for you to try and protect
them from something that has already happened. Ok? You need to quit protecting
them and you need to cope with them you can’t do this alone. You need to depend
on them as much as they depend on you.”

“I need Pat,” I said.

Vic sighed crossing his arms in front of him, “You can’t have Pat right now ok?
He knows he fucking knows and one of you or both of you will die. You and Pat
need some time apart if you are both going to live past this year. I can’t
watch another one of you kids die because two of you became too dependent on
each other ok? I’m not going to sit in that fucking room and call one more of
you guys I’m not. What happened to Justin? Besides those videos only the people
in that room truly know what it was like for him and me and three other people
were there one of them being Cole. I don’t know what Cole has told you but if
his mouth hadn’t been held open by some stupid device he would have begged them
to kill him before they were done don’t make me watch that again.”

“Ok,” I said as the reality of what he was telling me sank in, “Ok.”

“You understand what I’m saying?” He asked and nodded my head.

“It hurts!” I screamed as I started to sob, “I need him so badly and it hurts
so much!”

“Oh kiddo, I know I’m sorry,” he said coming slowly towards me allowing me time
to adjust to the idea of him offering me comfort. When he got to my bedside he
held his hand out to me and I accepted the touch, squeezing his hand gently.
“It’s ok. You’re not alone.”

Just then the door burst open making us both jump, “What hurts are you ok?!”
Dr. Reeves asked her eyes wide looking around.

“Young heartbreak,” Vic said looking at her sheepishly, “I’m a family friend I
know it looks a little…”

“No, no it’s all right I was just, he screamed,” she said standing in the door
way, “Is it all right if I talk with him alone for a while?”

“Sure Dr. Reeve,” Vic said letting go and patting my hand awkwardly, “I’ll see
you later?”

“Yeah,” I said feeling slightly embarrassed that my outburst had caused such a
commotion.

“So, is that why you tried to kill yourself?” She asked pulling up a chair and
looking at me solemnly.

“No,” I said shaking my head slightly.

“Does your bruising have anything to do with why you killed yourself?” She
asked me gently.

“Bruising?” I asked and then realized what my neck probably still looked like,
“Oh I…” I trailed off and shrugged.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked me, “You also have a lot of scarring
on your chest, it’s in your file.”

“It doesn’t matter, I failed ok?” I said avoiding looking at her.

“If someone is hurting you Johnathan it does matter,” she answered.

“No, it really doesn’t,” I said back, “When are you transferring me?”

“Who is it?” She asked.

“It doesn’t matter, listen to me carefully last person I said anything to died,
they killed them all right. Unless of course they’ve told you, I’ve been
hurting myself.”

“I don’t think you could bite yourself,” she said, “Why do you think they
killed someone?”

“I doesn’t matter,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I don’t want to talk to you
ok? Not about this or anything else just transfer me. I’m medically stable so
get me out of here and get me home or where ever it is I’m going because I’m
not talking to you.”
“Are you sure? I’ve already put some stuff in a report that I have to send to
someone it would be helpful if you would say something about it,” she said
quietly.

“You’re report won’t make a difference get me out of here,” I said.

I honestly felt sorry for her. She was young and pretty and seemed like she
really wanted to help but, I knew there wasn’t any help for me. I was
heartbroken, and alone and depressed. The only thing I was looking forward two
was some time away from them so that they couldn’t touch me. Maybe enough time
to learn how to deal with things better. Just enough time so I could catch my
breath before I was thrown back into the fire.

My Da was called. They had to let him know I was awake, that I was alive and
pretty much ok despite my best efforts not to be and I knew he was on his way.
I sighed settling back deciding to feign sleep waiting for him to come in. It
didn’t take long maybe 20 minutes.

I heard the footsteps in the hall and heard the door shut as he walked in
keeping my eyes shut trying to keep myself calm. I knew I was in serious
trouble. I listened as he pulled the chair up to my bedside and sat down.

“I know you’re awake baby, you’re too still to be asleep,” he said quietly, “We
need to talk.”

I opened my eyes looking at him, “How mad are you?” I asked him.

“I’m mad enough to extend your contract with Leo but I haven’t yet. It depends
on how your hospital stay goes. I don’t understand can you enlighten me as to
what you were thinking? Cutting your wrists letting your brother find you like
that?” He asked me.
“I…,” I swallowed, “I needed a break. Leo’s bad Da, he’s really bad.”

“Why because he makes you cum? Because he wants you to feel good? I don’t see
what is so bad about that. I would think you would be more worried about Hank
considering its Hank or Barren. I could always bring Barren back if you want me
to.” He said looking closely at me making me fidget.

“I just want some control, some space,” I said not looking him in the eyes.

“Oh baby, I can do that for you. Leo gets you on the weekends and you don’t
have to be touched during the week day that was our deal. However, I can’t
promise Leo won’t want to share you. Not anymore after he’s missing some of his
time with you,” he said starting to lean forward grabbing my arm so I couldn’t
pull away.

“Not here,” I begged knowing why he was holding me down, why he was grabbing me
like that.

“You’re ok, just some messing around not anything heavy,” he said starting to
climb into the bed with me.

“What if someone walks in?” I asked my whole body shaking as he started kissing
my neck wrapping his arms around me holding me close.

“Just relax no one is going to walk in,” he said planting a kiss on my lips
trying to coax my mouth open.

“There’s this woman this doctor that keeps dropping by,” I told him.

He sighed and stopped looking at me carefully before he got up and sat back
down in his chair, “What have you said to her?” he asked suddenly.

“Nothing,” I answered, “Her death isn’t going to be because of me.”

“So, you learned that lesson?” My Da asked me smiling at me.

I shrugged my shoulders remembering my punishment for it. How they had whipped
and tortured me for that mistake. For Dr. Jeffries guesses. How they had left
me beaten and bruised down in the basement for days and how I had barely
recovered before Christmas before…before the leader and my Da had caused me the
worst pain I had ever felt in my life.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” my Da answered, “They are waiting for a bed at wood
Haven to open up and then you’ll be going there. It won’t be so bad a week or
two. You’ll have fun.”

The way he said fun made fun sound about as exciting and fun as having my nails
pulled out but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to deal with his anger
which seemed to be showing more and more often. The sooner I went the sooner I
could come home and protect my kids, my siblings because I knew as part of my
punishment he was going to do things to them while I was gone because I
wouldn’t be there to stop him, to sigh and lay with him so he wouldn’t feel the
urge to have sex with them, to make them scream and cry and beg him to stop.

“Are you going to drive me over?” I asked him.

“Nope you get to ride over in an ambulance,” he sighed, “You’ll be fine. It’s a
short ride.”

“Why didn’t you tell me mum was there?” I asked looking at him closely.

“I would have in the morning,” he answered simply, “Since when do I never keep
my promises? I promised if you were good I would tell you where she was and how
she was doing and when it was looking like she would be home but you had to go
and try to kill yourself because I’m that horrible. The fact that your brain
hates what I do so much while your body loves it so you had to try and kill
yourself so now you get to go be there too. However, adults and kids are
separate.”

Just then there was a knock on the door and in walked two EMT’s, “We’re here to
take you to Haven Wood,” one of them said eyeing my Da oddly.

“Ok,” Da said standing up smiling, “I’ll see you later. I’ll bring you some
stuff ok John?” he said as I nodded my head.

I don’t really remember the ride over. I think one of them tried to talk to me
but I don’t know about what. My whole brain feeling just numb. When I pulled up
to the big brick building it reminded me of a fortress standing tall and
uninviting a yard surrounded by a barbed wire fence. I remember hearing a lot
of commotion outside the ambulance as the gates opened and it pulled around the
back of the massive building before it pulled into what seemed like a garage
and the back opened allowing me out.

“New meat?” Some guy said smiling happily. His Tan skin for some reason caught
me off guard his statue nearly identical to my Da’s but his eyes a darker brown
almost black. The stubble on his chin starting to gray with age.

He made small talk with the two EMT’s never taking his eyes off me as I made
sure I did the same to him. I knew what he was and I was very sure he knew what
I was. I sighed. So, the warnings Pat had given me were true. This place was
infested with brotherhood and he was the first one of them I’d seen. If they
all looked like him god was I in trouble. He put his hand on my shoulder
leading me away inside as the garage door started to open.

“What level are you?” He asked me. His hand moving from my shoulder down my
back, “I’ve seen your movies kid don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking
about.”

“Five,” I answered simply his hand finally reaching my ass giving it a small
squeeze.

“Nice, I get to break you,” he said, “You’re a pampered brat compared to the
others here. Bet you’ve never seen a whip in your life. I’ll have some fun with
you.”

“My last name is McGregor, my Uncle is Ben,” I said his smile faltering a
little bit.

“So, I’ll assume you’re not as lucky as I thought you were then. We have 5 ones
and three 2’s but no 3’s or 4’s and you’re the only five we’ve had a in while.”
He said, “I’m not going to be here that often I usually only work weekends. I
don’t know how long you are going to be here so don’t ask.”

He walked me down the hall into a bathroom and then told me to strip. I did as
I was told knowing these people had no emotional connection to me, this guy had
no reason to treat me well. I knew what he wanted to do to me. I was expecting
it the moment my pants came off as he reached in front of me and turned on the
water shoving me roughly into the stall.

“You are marked up boy,” He said curling his lip as he looked at me from where
he was standing against the wall, “So you have seen a whip or two and I’m
assuming you know Kingly as well yeah?”

“I…,” I stopped nodding my head.

“You’re lucky none of us like to bite however we’re not stupid enough to really
injure anyone in here we’ll just drug and restrain you. However, I’m betting
you’re not a fighter are you beautiful?” He said moving and adjusting his front
as his eyes wandered my naked body making me shift closer to the water hoping
the thought of getting wet would deter him.

“You said 5 ones and 3 twos? What are their names?” I asked.

“You wouldn’t know any of them. At least I doubt it. One’s tend to be quiet at
the Villa and 2’s well 2’s don’t make it out of their own houses much however
their names are Tyler, Dillion, Burgess, Josh and Eric the ones and the 2’s are
Troy, Ron and Dominic.”

“Dominic Morrow?” I asked.

“Actually yes,” He said, “Tried to hang himself did a poor job of it obviously.
You know him?”

“I go to school with him,” I answered.

He looked closely at me, “I could see you two being a pair, both of you have
that hair. Hank got his claws in both of you at once yet?” He asked amusement
in his voice.

I shook my head soaping up quickly so I could rinse off and get dressed before
he had a real chance to think of what he wanted to do to me most. I really
didn’t feel like being touched the day seeming long and stupid and like it
would never end already. I just wanted to lay down somewhere where someone
wouldn’t touch me or question me. When I was done, I turned off the water and
he threw a towel at me.

“I remember you now,” he said as I was drying off, “I saw you in a video with
another boy, black hair blue eyes you topped. The look on your face I would say
it was probably your first time too. Was it?”

I flashed back to that moment, being inside him. How good he had felt. How
despite the camera it had seemed intimate, important. I thought of how I would
probably never have that with him again and the lump in my throat that had been
threatening to choke me since I woke up tightened.

I didn’t answer him. I didn’t want him to know even though apparently, anyone
who had seen the video knew about it. He handed me a bundle of clothes, a
uniform to wear.

“Put that on,” he said looking at me as I set it down on the chair outside the
shower stall and looked through the bundle of clothes pulling out a pair of
white underwear that he snatched from my hands before I could put them on, “You
don’t need these don’t know why they are in here.” He said a smirk on his face.

I sighed and picked up the pants putting them on along with the yellow shirt he
had handed me. I didn’t know why I wasn’t allowed to have underwear or why I
needed a uniform of some kind anyway with pants that had metal snaps instead of
buttons or a zipper or a draw string and it felt weird to be naked under them.
Pants that weren’t mine with no underwear. I felt slightly sick thinking about
the reason why he didn’t want me to have any. When I was dressed, he sighed.

“Let me take you to the nurse for your admittance interview and to get your arm
rebandaged,” He said sighing and holding open the bathroom door so I could walk
through it.

I did holding my breath tensing waiting from him to grab me, to molest me. He
didn’t and I was surprised because I had been warned. Warned that this place
was not a good place. That they would make sure I would never try to kill
myself again. We walked down the hallway to a small office that looked like it
was also some type of doctor’s office and nice woman sat there. She smiled
patiently as the orderly said something to her and handed her a manila envelope
with my name written on it.

“Thank you, Sam,” she said smiling at him before she turned to me, “My name is
Miss Hazel I’m the nurse I just have some questions and then Sam will be back
to do a physical for your chart ok Johnathan?” She said.

I nodded my head. A Physical did not sound like anything I wanted Sam doing to
me. I wasn’t sure what she meant and why he would be giving me a physical and
not a doctor or a nurse. But I figured whatever questions these were they
wouldn’t be super hard so I sat in the chair across from her as she waited
patiently for me to sit down, gauze already beside her on the desk ready to
bandage my wrists up.

“Do you have a nickname or anything you prefer?” She asked me pulling open the
folder to a blank piece of paper.

“I usually go by John,” I answered quietly.

“Ok do you want to be called John while you’re here with us?” She asked me.

“Yeah that’s ok.”

“Ok John, can you tell me why you are here?” She asked me softly.

“I’m assuming it’s because I tried to kill myself,” I answered.

“Is that something you’ve ever done before?” She asked me.

“No.”

“Have you thought about it before?”

“Yeah, it’s… I don’t know, it’s hard. I get so tired and I just…I wish
everything would stop. School, home, everything like even if it’s just for a
second so I can breathe again,” I answered.

“You think you’re not breathing?” She asked me taking her eyes off the paper
and looking at me.

“Like literally?” I asked confused.

“Well, yes.” She answered.

“No, I don’t mean literally I just… Do you ever feel that fluttery feeling in
your like stomach where you almost feel panic? Yeah, panic. It’s like that all
the time. Like everything all the time makes me feel like I can’t breathe like
this weight just choking me. I can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t want to be
like this anymore,” I answered trying to be as honest as I could, trying to
describe it the best I could.

“That must be really hard to live with. That type of anxiety. Do you know
what’s causing it?” She asked me.

I just shrugged my shoulders. I couldn’t let her know. I couldn’t tell her
that. If I did she was dead. She shouldn’t be asking.

“What’s home like? Do you have any siblings? Pet’s? Are mom and dad still
married?” She asked me.

“I have 10 siblings,” I answered.

“Wow, that’s a lot of brothers and sisters are you somewhere in the middle or…”

I cut her off, “I’m the oldest,” I answered.

“That must be a lot of responsibility,” she said looking at me.

“You have no idea, mum isn’t home right now she’s. She’s in here on the woman’s
ward I think. So, it’s me and my younger brother Will, he’s 11. We have to keep
everyone safe. We fed them before Alice came around, take turns bathing them,
dressing them. Some of them are still little tiny you see? Mary and Seamus are
only 10 months old and Mac he only just turned 2 last month back when we were
away. And when we were gone mum had to work a lot because Da wasn’t there to
support us so she had 2 jobs and a part time job and it was hard, I mean we did
ok but it was hard,” I answered.

“Are you parents separated then?” She asked me.

“No, we left because it was just hard. Things were bad. She had to get us
away,” I answered.

“Why did she have to take you guys away?” She asked me.

“Da., He gets angry he’s not always nice. I don’t know it’s hard to explain,” I
answered.

“Was he hurting her? Hitting her?” She asked me.

“Only when she didn’t do what he wanted,” I answered.

“Did he ever hit you?” She asked me and I felt my chest tighten as I slowly
exhaled.

“Only when I didn’t do what I was told,” I answered simply.

“What types of things did he tell you to do?” She asked me.

“Just like stuff I guess. I don’t know,” I answered.

“What type of stuff? Stuff like to do your homework, clean your room that type
of stuff?” She asked me and I nodded my head in reply, “And he would hit you
when you didn’t do it?” She asked me, “Hit you where? Like your bottom with his
hand or hit you across the face with his hand or…?”

“I don’t know just like he punched me in the ribs once. I can’t remember what I
didn’t do but, whatever it was I promise I didn’t do it again I don’t think,” I
answered sheepishly half lying.

“You have any friends? What’s school like?” She asked me.

“School’s fine I think. I get ok grades even though my Da might say otherwise
but I don’t like fail anything. I have friends There’s Cole and he’s really
funny and nice and kind of cool to hang out with but a little weird. There’s
Pat he’s a good friend I hang around with him a lot. He’s different he makes me
feel not so panicky. I have a couple other friends too but I don’t hang out
with them as often as I do Pat and Cole,” I answered.

“Why do you think your Dad doesn’t like your grades?” She asked me.

“Not straight A’s he’d say I don’t do everything I can to make sure I get all
A’s but I study hard and I do my homework and stuff I just don’t know what else
to do you know? It’s like I’m not good enough like my best isn’t good enough.
It’s tiring, trying to take care of them and keep them safe and then doing
homework. I mean school’s not in right now but it was hard but I still managed
ok just not as well as he would want me to,” I answered.

“Any girls in the picture? Or are you attracted to boys? It’s ok if you are I
just have to ask,” she said writing more stuff down on the paper.

“I had a girlfriend in Montana, we did homework together and stuff, hung out a
lot so yeah I guess I like girls,” I answered.

“Are you virgin? I know it’s a weird question but I have to ask,” She said
smiling.

I sighed not sure what to say. I hadn’t been a virgin in a long time in any
sense of the word. I couldn’t tell her I wasn’t one because then she would
know. She would know everything but I didn’t want to lie because she seemed so
nice, “Can I skip that question?” I asked her.

“Why don’t you want to answer?” She asked me putting down her pen focusing all
her attention on me.

“It’s…I don’t know if I am or not,” I lied.

“Well, have you had sex? Any sexual contact?” She asked me. “I’m asking because
we have to run test to see if you have any STI’s or anything if you have it’s
just a general question, sexual activity means oral sex, penetrative sex either
vaginial or anal, any of those?”

“When you say oral you mean getting oral or giving oral?” I asked.

“Both,” She replied. “Why have you had oral sex?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to admit to anything else. I didn’t want to say
who it was with. I didn’t want her to know that I was a slut. But I could feel
myself starting to panic.

“Are you ok John?” She asked me and I nodded my head, “When you say you need to
protect your siblings I’m assuming you mean from your Dad?”

I nodded my head again.

“Other than hitting you has he ever done anything else? Left you alone without
food or water? Touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable?” She
asked me.

I shook my head. Telling her that meant she would die, telling her meant
risking my own life and the health of my brothers and sisters. I couldn’t do
that.

“Has anyone else ever done that?” She asked me.

“No,” I answered shaking my head again. I didn’t want to talk about that, any
of that.

“You sure? If you have there is nothing to be ashamed of. And if you’re not a
virgin and you’ve had oral sex but all you did was kiss your girlfriend and
hang out and stuff how did oral sex happen? With her?”

“I said and stuff,” I lied.

“Ok,” she said nodding her head and writing it down, “You know why your mom is
here?” She asked me.

“No, Da said she was sick that she needed help because she shouldn’t have taken
us away. That we should have stayed home that we were his kids and she wasn’t
supposed to leave with us.” I answered.

“Are you not your mom’s biological children?” She asked me.

“We are, he just thinks we’re more his for some reason,” I answered.

“Ok,” she said, “I think that’s it for right now I’ll tell Sam he can come back
in and then do your physical.”

“Can I have a female orderly do my physical?” I asked.

“No, sorry John has to be a same sex orderly. You want two of them in the room?
If you don’t feel comfortable with Sam I don’t want to leave you alone with him
but, I can’t put a female in here with you.”

“Ok, no he’s fine I just, I get nervous is all,” I answered as she started to
bandage my arm making sure the gauze was secure.

She sighed as she stood up, “Are you sure no one has ever made you
uncomfortable? I mean sexually. It’s ok if someone has, no one is judging you.”

I shook my head standing up as well, “No.”

She sighed again, “Ok well, you stay here, probably sit up on the table and
he’ll come in and do your body search for contraband and then it’s time for
lunch and then group. Sam will tell you all about that though. It’s nice
meeting you. You’ll see the doctor tomorrow probably.”

She got up and opened the door leaving it cracked as she went out into the
hallway. I didn’t hear anything that they said but after a few minutes Sam came
into the room and shut the door behind him locking it. He held a sheet paper in
his hand which looked like the outline of two bodies a face on one of them and
not on the other as he set it down on the desk something already written on it
that said “deep laceration to right forearm w/stitching” with an arrow pointing
to the right forearm on the picture.
“Ok, I need you to take off your clothes so I can chart your injuries and
scars,” He said smiling at me making me feel sick to my stomach. I knew that
wasn’t all he wanted. I could see it in his eyes, “You’re ok,” He said as I
tensed waiting for the next words, “Just relax.”

He leaned over me where I was sitting on the examining table and grabbed the
hem of my shirt lifting it up for me. And I didn’t fight him as he pulled it up
over my head his hand touching the scar on my rib cage gently, “Hank?” He asked
his fingers brushing slightly against the oval shaped bruise sending the tiny
low voltage sparks through my system making me jump as I nodded my head in
response not able to find my voice.

I remember his fingers feeling cold, colder than the air in the room that was
already chilly. I didn’t want his hands on me but knew that struggling wasn’t
an option that I had no choice but to let him as he laid a kiss on my collar
bone forcing me to lay down. I bit my bottom lip forcing my body to not react
to the urge to push him away as he started pulling my pants off, his hands
fondling me making it hard for me to breathe, to think. I gasped as he muttered
something about checking for contraband a finger finding its way up my ass
slowly moving around finding a rhythm that kept bumping against that spot
inside me making me jump as I bit back my moans.

“That’s it, yeah, that’s right cum for me,” He muttered into my right nipple as
the pressure started to build.

I didn’t want this happening to me. I didn’t want my body responding to him. I
hated him and I hated this place and I hated my life. I hated the fact that I
wasn’t dead, that I wanted so desperately to be dead and I hated the fact that
I couldn’t scream at all that I wasn’t allowed to protest. I came coating my
naked stomach in my own cum trying to catch my breath. He sighed happily
looking at me.

“I think we can substitute that for a cavity search, don’t you?” Sam said
smiling down at me, “I’d say we’re done for now. You can put your clothes back
on and I’ll fill out the chart and then I’ll take you to lunch.”

I sighed grabbing my shirt as he picked it up off the ground and threw it at
me. I felt exposed yet still frozen in place. Once I felt like my insides were
done shaking, like they were made of jello I managed to put my clothes back on
sitting down back on the examining table. I waited for him to fill out his
chart pretty much ignoring him and being thankful he was ignoring me until he
got up and opened the door standing back so I could step through the door. I
felt his eyes on my back, barrowing into me as I started down the hallway in
front of him.

Once we walked for a while we came to a set of doors that you needed a key to
unlock and he stepped in front of me and unlocked them holding it opened for
me, purposely brushing his elbow into me when I passed making me shiver. I
hated this guy. Past the doors was an open space almost like a foyer with
phones hanging on a wall in a row with chairs next to them and a big huge room
where I could see people talking through the glass wall filled with couches and
chairs and tables in the corner.
Beside that was a narrow hallway which seemed to be where the rooms were and at
the end of that hallway was a door that said “girls wing”. At the other end of
the foyer was a door that said the same thing and you could see through it a
window in the center of the yellow door and sure enough on the other side there
were girls around my age or older walking around. The only thing that separated
them from the area behind the desk another door.

Sam went behind the desk and said something to someone who then grabbed a pile
of white linens and came out from behind the desk smiling at me, “I’m Neal.” He
introduced himself, “I’m going to show you were your room is and as we make
your bed we’ll go over the rules ok?”

I just nodded my head in reply. I couldn’t tell anything about Neal whether he
was good or bad but I could gather that him and Sam were friends and that
didn’t seem like an indicator of anything good. He walked me down the narrow
hallway next to the telephones and opened a door on left handing me the linens
as he did so a white pillow case a set of sheets and a wool blanket.

“Ok now set it down on the bare mattress.” He said looking at me as I set the
sheets down feeling awkward because I had never made a bed. “Ok the way the day
starts is you can either shower or opt to get up late and shower at night. You
get breakfast, goals group where you set a goal for the day, and then you have
mental health group and then class for 3 hours. Then lunch.

After lunch, you have 2-hour free time, life skills and art therapy and then
dinner after dinner you have gym time and then social issues group and then
goals group. After that is down time, showers and bed. Art therapy doesn’t
occur on Wednesdays or Fridays because you have visiting hours at 4pm until 5:
30 and dinner is severed late. When you are off restriction you can leave the
unit and go to the cafeteria but you will not talk to the adults, you only talk
to the girls when you have a group with them which you have gym time and art
therapy with them and that’s about it. Got it?” He asked me.

“My mum is here,” I said.

“I’ve been made aware, you won’t be seeing her. Once you are off restriction
you will switch days you are allowed off the Unit with her because it is better
for your health that you don’t talk and better for hers that she doesn’t know
what’s going on with you understand?” He asked me as he grabbed the corner of
the blanket and pulled it over the other side of my bed.

“Are you one of them?” I asked him.

“You mean brotherhood? Oh yeah,” He answered his eyes scanning my face for my
reaction, “I’m not sure you’re my type though. Sam, he doesn’t have a type
anything that moves does it for Sam.”

“What is that part like?” I asked and he laughed at me.

He sighed looking at me shaking his head, “Well, I could tell you but I don’t
think you’ll learn your lesson if I do. He did your cavity search? That’s just
the start he was getting a feel for you. He’ll do whatever he wants though
honestly.”

“Oh,” I said simply.

“You can go to the day room now where you saw everyone, you’ll eat in there
today and probably tomorrow too. Right now it’s life skills did you miss lunch
because I can get you something?”

“I’m not hungry,” I answered.

“Ok well then you can go to life skills, I think today they are talking about
house safety or something with Tony, I think you know where the day room is
right?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I can go there on my own,” I said as I finished putting the blanket on
my bed walked out the door and back down the hallway to the open area. I opened
the door and everyone turned to look at me.
***** 11 *****
Chapter Summary
     John gets to meet some of the other patients and staff and experience
     what life will be like inside the hospital. His secret that's not so
     secret gets exposed to some staff. He learns more about the
     brotherhood and how they operate.
Chapter Notes
     pages 183 to 204 Warnings: Talk of suicide attempts, drug use, rape/
     non-con, homicidal behaviors, anger problems, mental health issues,
     it's a mental hospital I mean come on, RAPE/Non-con (of course),
     Asshole adults. When you see Dom say "Da" it means yes. There's some
     Russian in here just a little bit. The rest is pretty well explained
     as the story is going on. Ok there is a lot of talk here about "fire
     safety" because when you're in the hospital they go over stuff like
     that because they think you are mentally five and a lot of groups
     have to do with health and safety. Like A LOT. Not just mental health
     even though those are big topics they cover. It seems kind of
     redundant but it's realistic trust me.
I felt nervous as I stood in the door way almost like walking into a new
classroom for the first time but I also felt like I was invading someone’s
space like I didn’t really belong there. He stood by the door sheepishly
waiting for someone to say something and felt my face burning red before I
spotted Dom in the corner who waved at me cocking an eyebrow and pointed the
empty chair next to him.

“You’re our new kid, right? I’m Mr. Tony,” The guy leading the group said
looking up at me trying to offer a warm smile.

“Yeah, I’m John,” I answered, “Can I sit where ever?”

“Yeah sure John, we’re just talking about what to do in case of a fire in your
house different types of fires that type of stuff,” he said as I wandered over
and sat in the chair Dom pointed at, “Do you know anything about fires?”

“I know you can have an electrical fire, an oil fire, paper or wood all of that
type of stuff and that you don’t throw water on an electrical fire or an oil
fire I think because one can spread it and the other it can cause an electrical
current to travel,” I answered.

“Very good,” Mr. Tony said, “Can anyone tell me a good way to put these types
of fire? Yeah Dillion?”

A boy with brown hair and brown eyes looked at him, “Fire extinguisher.” He
answered simply in a weird accent I couldn’t place.

“That’s right Dillion, good job,” He said, “And what do we do if someone
catches on fire or we catch on fire?”

“Run around to spread the flames,” Someone said holding back a laugh.

“Yeah hug are dad’s so they burn with us,” Someone else said their eyes
sparkling with mischief.

“Josh, Ron I warned you two to stop it, that’s not funny talking about suicide
isn’t funny especially something that painful someone want to answer the
question seriously? Don’t do it again otherwise I will send you to isolation
got it?” He said looking at them both closely.

“Stop drop and roll get the person low to the ground and smother them with a
blanket preferably a wet one but dry works just fine,” A kid with glasses and
pale skin, dark eyes and hair answered.

“Yes Burgess,” Mr. Tony said, “Very good thank you.”

“Oh, come on Mr. Tony a little hatred for your dad is healthy in a young man,”
A blond boy in the corner around my age quipped.

“No, not really, I actually have no problem with my father and never have,” Mr.
Tony said, “Why do so many of you have issues with adult males? Can we talk
about that?” He asked and the room fell silent looking at him, “That’s what I
thought now would you prefer fire safety? Otherwise we’re going to talk about
how to better communicate with authority figures which I had planned for
tomorrow.”

I heard Dom mutter something under his breath I didn’t understand and the guy
next to him sniggered.

“Tyler and Dom English only,” Mr. Tony said.

“Prosti,” Dom muttered.

“Dom I’m warning you…,” Mr. Tony started.

“Sorry, I said I was sorry,” Dom said rolling his eyes as he sighed.

“You don’t seem sorry,” Mr. Tony commented.

“I don’t get to speak it at home ok? I’m sorry I want to use my language the
one my real parents taught me and I’m sorry I have someone to do it with,” Dom
said.

“We’ve been over this your dads are your real parents and you have to speak
English here so we know what you are talking about,” Mr. Tony said, “Don’t make
me send you to isolation because you don’t seem to like it. You boys are just
pressing buttons today and I thought you liked me.”

“We do Mr. Tony I just think everyone is a little upset with the Staff today,”
Burgess said softly.

“Is it Sam guys?” Mr. Tony asked and a couple guys shrugged their shoulders,
“Look I know Sam is tough ok but he’s really not a bad guy I promise. Just
behave and you won’t get in trouble and misbehaving with me isn’t going to keep
you out of trouble even if I do give you more chances then Sam does, all right?
How about we introduce ourselves to each other since we have a new guy and
we’ll forget fire safety for now because obviously, some of you have a hard
time taking that subject seriously is that fair?”

“Yes sir,” The whole room said in unison.

“Good, I’ll start first names, your age and why you are here you can either
make it long or short I don’t care we’re just filling time before art therapy
all right? I’m Mr. Tony, I’m 28 and I obviously work here because this is the
kid’s unit so I can’t be a patient even though some people say I’m a kid at
heart.”

The kid next to him shifted to look at me his fro almost seeming to bounce with
the movement of his head as he wrinkled his nose taking in my appearance, “I’m
Eric,” he said looking at me, “I’m 16 and I’m here because I smoked some dope
ass dope and it almost fucking killed me.” He said.

“Can we try to be appropriate?” Mr. Tony asked.

“You want me to try again?” Eric asked frowning.

“Yes, that would be great if you could find a better way to say that,” Mr. Tony
said leaning back playing with the pen in his hand.

“Hello, my name is Eric I am 16 and I am here because I suffer from drug
addiction and nearly overdosed,” Eric said again.

“Much better thank you Eric,” Mr. Tony said.

“I’m Burgess,” The kid with the glasses said, “I’m 15 and I’m here because I …
do I really have to say it?” Burgess asked looking at Mr. Tony.

“Yes please,” Mr. Tony said.

“I tried to smother my little brother with a pillow.” Burgess finished.

“I’m Dillion I’m 14 drugs,” Dillion stated simply not really looking up at me.

“I’m Tyler, I’m 15 I found a gun,” Tyler said.

“You found a gun or you tried to shoot yourself with a gun?” Mr. Tony prompted.

“Why does it matter I couldn’t get the safety off,” Tyler said, “Fine I tried
to shoot myself with a gun.”

“Thank you, honesty is important guys, ok? No one is judging you for why you’re
here but sometimes it helps to know so people don’t feel like they are alone.
Who know? Maybe you’ll learn things about each other if you’re honest. Mr. Tony
said, “Dom you go.”

“I’m Dom I think you all know me but I’m here because I tried to kill myself
hence the turtle neck they make me wear under my stupid scrubs, I’m 13.” Dom
answered.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah really, we can talk about it later all right?” Dom said quietly.

“You two know each other?” Mr. Tony asked.

“We go to school together,” Dom answered before I could say anything.

“Are you friends? Do you talk to each other or just...,” Mr. Tony started
before Dom cut him off.

“I actually talk to him a lot yeah. He’s a friend at least I think of him as
one what about you John?” Dom asked me.

“Yeah, I’d say we’re friends. I’m John I’m 13 I attempted suicide,” I answered
simply.

The guy sitting next to me shifted in his seat as all eyes turned to look at
him. His chubby face turning slightly pink making his hair look at that much
darker and his eyes look that much smaller, “I’m Troy I’m 11, I’m here because
I tried to step out in front of a car.”

“I’m Josh, My Dad was raping me so I stabbed him in the eye with a pen,” Josh
answered simply, “I’m 17 I’m sorry I was tired of bullshit ok I was tired of
him constantly grabbing my…”

“Josh, that’s enough you don’t need to be that detailed,” Mr. Tony said.

“Why aren’t you in like prison?” Burgess asked.

“Because I showed the cops a video of him doing it so they believed me and
apparently, self-defense is a good excuse so they decided that I probably need
some psychological help and he needs prison and then I’m going to go live with
my Aunt or some shit,” Josh answered, “I’m just happy I don’t have to deal with
him anymore while some people just get stuck in that situation.”

“Snitches get stitches,” Someone muttered even though I couldn’t tell who.

“Snitches don’t get stitches they get papers,” Eric sighed crossing his arms in
front of his chest and shaking his head.

“Boys, enough I don’t want to hear about it, that’s enough all right?” Mr. Tony
warned.

The boy sitting next to him was Asian and just sighed shaking his head, “I
tried to kill myself I’m Ron I’m 12,” Ron answered plainly.

“Ok everyone you have 15 minutes you can talk amongst yourselves go grab
anything you might need, a drink use the bathroom and when I come back we’ll
head to art therapy,” Mr. Tony said smiling at us as he got up and opened the
day room door walking away and behind the desk.

“Are you fucking stupid?” Eric hissed looking at Josh, “They are going to
fucking kill you, you realize? You’ll be lucky if he actually goes to prison.”

Josh shrugged his shoulders, “If they do I won’t care because I’ll be dead.”

“And what about the next kid he “adopts” what about them?” Eric asked.

“You guys are all adopted?” I asked curious.

“It’s not real adoption it’s … do you know anything about trafficking?” Eric
asked me and I shook my head.

“They buy kids from different places and then just move them around. Whoever
pays the most money gets the kid until they are sick of them and then they give
them to someone else, I was brought when I was like 4 I’ve had 10 different
dads,” Eric said, “So yeah I shoot dope because I mean wouldn’t you?”

“No, he’ll drink some vodka, Da?” Dom smirked at me and bumped my shoulder
lightly.

“Not lately,” I muttered.

“Really? You managed to sober up?” Dom asked, “That’s news.”

“I’m surprised you’re not surprised to see me,” I answered.

“I get phone calls, I’ve talked to Pat. I knew you were back I was sad to hear
it but… it is what it is right?” Dom asked looking at me.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I answered.

“Wait so you know about…,” Burgess trailed off.

“Yeah, he’s an untouchable though,” Dom said.

“Bitch!” Troy said slapping his knee, “You’re kidding me?”

“No, he’s right,” I said looking at them all feeling guilty, “My mum took us
and ran we were gone for a while I got sober I went to therapy and was doing ok
until… he found us.”

“Who?” Ron asked.

“My Da,” I answered.

“He’s your handler?” Eric asked me.

I swallowed not wanting to think about it, not wanting to think about how I was
property. How everyone of us in that room was property to someone. I felt the
heat in my face rising, “Could we not?”

“So, that’s why you’re friends with Dom huh?” Troy asked.

“Wha-what do you mean?” I asked.

“You don’t talk about it, you like to pretend it’s not real. I tried that for a
long ass time it doesn’t work that’s how you end up here,” Troy said.

“Says the guy who wanted to do an impression of a speed bump,” Eric snorted his
nostrils flaring.

“Shut up Eric,” Josh said shooting Eric a look that could skin a cat, “He’s
just a kid.”

“He’s just a kid? Please I don’t care what year he was born there aren’t any
kids here,” Eric muttered standing up, “We should all take a piss before it’s
too late.”

“True,” Dom sighed standing up, “Come on let’s use the bathroom John.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Neal will take us down to art therapy and you don’t want to have him walk you
to the bathroom,” Josh answered me simply as he stood up as well leaving the
day room as everyone else followed behind him.

“What’s your room number?” Someone asked behind me that sounded like Dillion
his odd accent making every word sound different, rough and harsh somehow.

“4B,” I answered remembering the room number of the door I had gone into with
my pile of bed linens.

“You’re my roommate,” Dom said turning around and offering me a small smile and
I shrugged my shoulders in reply as we walked down the hall towards our rooms
and everyone went their separate ways into each room.

“Do I want to know why I can’t use the bathroom during art therapy?” I asked
curious as Dom went into the bathroom leaving the door cracked.

“If Neal decides he likes you he gets handsy from what I’ve heard,” Dom said,
“He likes challenges too though and you being untouchable I don’t know if they
know what you are yet but, here your level doesn’t get you the same privileges
it gets you out in the real world so I’d be very careful because it makes you
just as appealing.”

“What do you mean?” I asked confused by what he meant.

“They can do what they want to you, when they want to do it and no one will
stop them. They don’t have to ask your dad, they don’t have to pay him money or
ask the leader they can just…,” Dom trailed off, “Anyway just be careful. Do
you think they know yet? You said Sam did your strip search, right?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head slowly as Dom stepped out after washing his
hands so I could use the bathroom.

“Did he check your body for scars and stuff?” Dom asked me.

“I’m not sure he seemed pretty distracted,” I said as I went into the tiny
bathroom stall next to the sink and started to use the bathroom and once I was
done flushed and came out turning on the water and soaping up my hands.

“If he did see it Neal already knows, if he didn’t you’ll get searched again
and then they’ll know,” Dom said, “Being here isn’t as hard as home in some
ways, but it’s not fun. If you hear any noises at night just keep your eyes
closed. That part is almost like the Villa accept you’re not tied down so if
you look over you’ll be able to see and I would rather you didn’t see …. well,
that.”

I nodded my head understanding what he meant. If they came in at night you had
to let them do whatever they wanted to you because you didn’t have a choice. He
would rather I kept my eyes closed so I didn’t have to see someone on top of
him, moving their hips.

Have me know what they were doing to him, what it felt like and that there
wasn’t anything I could to do help him, to make it stop or stop it from
happening to me if they decided that’s what they wanted. Sometimes the idea of
not knowing was easier than knowing. However, both put you on edge because you
knew it would happen you just didn’t always know when or where even when you
were at home.

“God, I hate how bad this fucking itches,” Dom said pulling down his turtle
neck under shirt for a minute and scratching at his neck the skin there raw and
red with a few tiny pin prick scabs dotting his skin. It also looked shiny like
something had rubbed the skin raw.

“You tried to hang yourself?” I asked, coming out of the bathroom my hands
still wet from rinsing them.

“Yeah,” Dom said shrugging his shoulders allowing his turtle neck to slide back
into place, “If you try it don’t do it when someone is home, My Dad found me
and did CRP and then beat the shit out of me before he drove me here instead of
the Villa, thank fucking god.”

“Did it hurt?” I asked.

“It felt like being choked kind of, only all around my neck instead of just by
the throat and then I passed out I’m pretty sure,” Dom said, “What did you do
because you look fine. Pills?” He asked.

“No woke up and went upstairs climbed into the tub and then just…took a boxer
cutter and…,” I pulled up my sleeve showing him my bandage.

“Did that hurt?” He asked me.

“At first yeah but then it was just like any other cut,” I answered, “Then I
got tired and I just kind of fell asleep. I don’t remember anything after that
but waking up in the hospital.”

“Was it scary?” He asked me looking at me.

“Not as scary as what was going to happen to me,” I answered feeling myself
finally starting to break down over where I had almost ended up. How I had
almost ended up Leo’s plaything for the weekend.

“John, come on, you need to sit down you look like you are about to faint,” Dom
said grabbing me by the elbow lightly and leading me over to a bed to sit down,
“You want to talk about it?”

I tried to swallow the dryness in my throat. I could hear every word my Da had
said how Leo would find a good punishment for me, how my contract was going to
be extended. How he had forced himself on me for hours and hours in that SUV
before my mum had taken us to Montana. I felt like I was drowning in it, like I
was going to be sick. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think
about it.

“John? Are you ok?” He asked me quietly looking at me closely a frown of
concern imbedded into his features.

“He was going to give me to someone,” I finally managed to say, “Someone who…
last time I saw I thought he was going to kill me. That made me think I would
never come home. Why would he give me to someone who made me feel that way?”
“Because they’re paying him enough money to be with you,” Dom answered simply
as we both went silent. There really wasn’t anything else to say at that point
because we both knew that was the truth. That he was only giving me to Leo
because Leo had promised him enough money. He sighed as he stood up, “You going
to be ok? We have art therapy I think we might be painting or if you’re lucky
it’s a free day and we can play cards or some other easy shit,” Dom said
smiling sadly at me.
“Ok,” I said standing up, “Is it weird I just want to nap?” I asked him.

“I wouldn’t think so,” Dom said as he glanced over at me, “You look like you
achieved mentally what Troy was trying to succeed at physically.”

“What is up with you guys picking on him for that?” I asked cracking a small
smile.

“You have to admit it’s pretty stupid,” Dom said, “Like how on earth did he
think that would work? Was he hoping the car wouldn’t stop when it saw him?
Like seriously…”

“He’s only Will’s age does Will really think things through all the way?” I
asked him as we walked down the hall.

“Actually yes. I would say Will is actually highly intelligent from the few
times I have met him,” Dom answered me, “But I suppose Will is unusual.”

“Yeah, he’s a bad example. At 11 I thought if I hid in my dorm closet they
couldn’t send me home for the weekend,” I said.

“Really? You were that innocent?” Dom asked me.

“Yeah, I think it was less I thought it and more I hoped it but…you know I
still tried it,” I answered.

“Home from boarding school?” Dom questioned.

“Yeah, home from boarding school not that I didn’t mind seeing my little
sisters and brothers I loved that part it was…,” I trailed off.

“Your dad?” Dom asked as we walked into the day room.

“From the time I can remember it was always the same at night. Like he was a
different person. Now he’s just like that all the time,” I answered.

“Not my Dad and Pop, always been the same since I got here since the papers
were signed,” he said shaking his head, “Maybe that’s why I’m so fucking
bitter? I hate that they adopted me just to use me.”

“Are you really adopted or are like those guys?” I asked curious since I had
found out level ones were more like human sex slaves then actual kids that went
to school and had real lives.

“No, my adoption is official.” Dom answered, “They educate me because they have
to though I’m sure. Otherwise I would be like them.”

We stepped into the day room and everyone turned to look at us which made me
shiver realizing all eyes were on me. I didn’t know why they were staring at us
or what the big deal was until Troy nudged Burgess forward with his body
slightly and Burgess smiled at me and cleared his throat nervously.

“Da?” Dom asked.

“Hey huh, John, right? Is your last name McGregor?” Burgess asked me.

“Why?” I asked afraid of what his answer would be. That somehow my Uncle had
put me on everyone’s shit list. I knew he was famous among us for his cruelty
and that he wasn’t a fun or pleasant person.

“Because if you are that means you’re related to Ben, right?” Ron said looking
at me closely.

I just nodded my head waiting for someone to yell at me. To call me a bastard
and to tell me I deserved what was happening. That my family was full of freaks
and I didn’t deserve to be here that I should be locked up in a dungeon
somewhere to be tormented.

“Sorry,” Josh said looking at me from the door way his eyes soft, “I know him,
you know?”

“Who doesn’t know him?” Ron asked.

“I don’t,” Eric answered, “I know of him but I’ve never actually met the guy
and personally I feel blessed.”

“Sorry,” I said.

“Don’t be sorry. You probably get the worst of it,” Dillon said.

“No, actually my younger brother does,” I answered.

Just then Neal came up to the door behind Josh and sighed standing there making
Josh turn around quickly, “All right guys time for Art therapy, I need everyone
to line up next to the double doors please and be silent.”

We did as we were told Dom standing in front of me while Josh stood behind me
rubbing the back of his neck and frowning at Nate. He flashed me a light smile
when he saw me watching him and cocked his head in a forward motion meaning I
should turn and face the front which I did as Nate walked by.

“Ok everyone let’s… ok now be quiet. You see anyone from another Unit in the
hallway don’t talk to them, don’t even look at them. You’ll have art therapy
with the girls today so I expect you to all be the gentlemen I know exists
somewhere in those bodies all right boys?” Nate said looking at all of us
before he turned the key in the lock and opened the doors and we followed him
out into the hallway. He walked us not too far from what they called our unit
and stopped in front of a door lined up against the wall to the right while the
girls lined up on the wall to the left of the door.

“Ladies go in first,” Neal said smiling at the girls’ staff who smiled back as
the girls walked into the room quietly and the we followed in behind.

When we entered the room we each took a seat at one of the tables that were
arranged around the room. I sat down next to Dom, him being the only person I
really felt comfortable with while a couple of other people sat at the same
table with us. When everyone was sitting down a woman with brown curly hair and
glasses that looked to be in her 30’s got up and quietly shut the door before
she started to speak.

“Ok for those of you who don’t know my name is Miss Kim and I’m the art therapy
instructor. Today we’re going to work on drawing and coloring because it can
actually be easy and a good way to get out emotions and feelings. It’s a good
coping skill. So, if you want to draw when I tell you to grab a blank piece of
paper from the small table over there and if you want to color you can go
through this pile which has coloring sheets and pick a couple out. I’ve put one
bin of colored pencils, markers and crayons on each desk and no you can’t take
any with you back to the unit, have fun,” Miss Kim said as our tables got up
one by one upon direction and people grabbed what they wanted and then sat back
down.

I grabbed a coloring sheet with a Panda bear and a Tiger on it and sat back
down between Dom and Josh while there were three girls on the other side of the
table. I listened to the light conversation going on between Josh and one of
the girls.
“So today I saw my doctor, right? I still think he’s a total dick didn’t even
really talk to me just whispered into his tape recorder like I wasn’t there for
20 minutes,” The girl said annoyance clear in her voice as she glanced up from
her piece of paper where she was drawing something.

“I didn’t see mine today,” Josh said, “I’m glad I didn’t personally though as I
don’t care for any of this shit anyway. There’s nothing wrong with me just with
everyone else.”

“John, this is Debbie,” Josh said noticing me glancing at the girl. Her curly
hair was pulled back into a messy bun, her glasses falling down her nose
slightly as she looked down at her drawing.

She glanced up looking at me smiling slightly. The smile even reaching her blue
eyes that somewhat reminded me of Pat’s eyes. Just thinking of it, about him
made my whole body hurt for a second. Thinking of how badly I wanted to just
talk to him and how important it was that I didn’t. That I try to let it go and
tried to move forward and find support in other places.

“Are you a natural redhead?” She asked me suddenly studying me features closely
her brow wrinkling in concentration.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head looking over at Dom at the mention of my hair
color, his hair being only one or two shades darker than my own.

“Are you and Dom related?” She asked me noticing that I was looking at him.

“Nyet,” Dom muttered, “Just friends.”

“You know how odd that is considering only 2 percent of the human population
has natural red hair?” Debbie said looking at us, “Are you sure you’re not
related?”

“Da, I’m Russian he’s Irish,” Dom answered without looking up from his own
coloring sheet.

“That doesn’t mean anything maybe you’re like distance cousins or something,”
Debbie said looking at Dom scowling, “You two look an awful lot alike.”

Dom sighed a looked up at her, “Do we?” He asked looking at her.

She sighed looking at us closely, “I guess not. Your cheeks are a little fuller
where as his nose is narrower and his lips are fuller and your eyes are brown
while his are green.”

“I rest my case,” Dom said looking back down going back to his coloring.

“Dom, you don’t have to be mean,” Another girl said.

“I’m not mean, I’m blunt. We don’t look that much alike to be mistaken for
brothers,” Dom said looking at me.

“You do from far away,” She said, I looked at her closely. Her short hair was
brown and cut closely to her head she had almost the same haircut I did but
something about her made her look tired, just exhausted.

“Why because we both have red hair? It’s not even the same shade.” He said
closing his eyes for a minute blinking slowly in frustration. I knew why it was
a point of contention for him. It reminded him of Hank, of Finick who both
seemed to share a desire for both of us at least one of them we knew it was
because of our common trait, our hair color.

Josh looked up and noticed the tension in Dom’s body language and cleared his
throat, “Clara, I honestly don’t think they look like they are related at all
can you just like drop it?”

“But you have to admit it’s kind of weird, right? That they both have red hair,
how many redheads do you know?” Clara asked.

“Two,” Josh answered her, “But seriously why is that an issue for you?”

“I know six apart from myself,” I said, “My sisters all three of them, my mum
and one of my brothers and then Dom.”

“Really? That many just in your family you know how rare that is?” Clara asked
sounding surprised.

“You keep saying that. Yes, we’re aware. No, we’re not related. No, we don’t
look the same, it’s not exactly a trait that defines either of us as people now
will you please just drop it?” Dom said looking up at her his eyes flashing the
volume of his voice starting to elevate.

“Dom, she didn’t mean anything by it I’m sure,” I said softly.

“I’m…sorry I just,” Dom shook his head slightly, “I’m sorry Clara it’s just a
subject I don’t like ok?”

“I’m sorry too, for bringing it up I just think it’s cool is all,” She said
turning back to her coloring sheet.

“Do, you really have to be so mean?” The girl next to Clara asked Dom.

“Look,” I said sighing, “He doesn’t like to talk about it ok? I understand why
so could you please just drop it? He already said he was sorry.”

“I don’t get why it’s such a big deal for him,” The girl said.

“Abby really? They asked you to drop it could you please just drop it?” Josh
said defending me, defending Dom.

“I’m sorry but there really isn’t any need to be that rude. It’s just hair,”
Abby said.

“You don’t get it, ok? It’s a big deal for us. Especially for him so, could you
just please let it go? He already said he was sorry so please just drop it?” I
asked again.

“Why is it a big deal?” Clara asked looking at us worriedly.

“It’s just a point of anxiety,” Dom answered her not looking up.

“Is it apart of why you tried to kill yourself?” Clara asked.

I watched Dom freeze. He stopped coloring and stopped moving almost like
someone had pressed a pause button. I watched him closely the way his chest
lacked movement and I knew he was having a moment, that he was stuck somewhere
in his head and it scared me.

“Dom?” I asked quietly, “Dom come on, you’re ok.” I prompted.

“Yeah,” He said nodding his head, “Yeah I’m ok. And yeah it is but I prefer not
to talk about it thanks Clara, for understanding.”

“Ok,” Clara sad smiling sadly, “No problem again I’m sorry I didn’t mean to
upset you Dom.”

Dom nodded and started coloring again. I felt like I was about to have a panic
attack thinking about school last year what had happened before my mum took us
and ran. What Dom had seen. Now it was my turn to freeze up I didn’t even
realize it was happening before I heard someone scoff.

“God, you guys really don’t share anything, do you? You all seem so close and I
know it’s because you have to sit there and go over your problems but it’s
nuts. Some of us we actually open up we ask you guys about anything you shut
down it’s annoying,” Abby sneered before turning to her own paper.

“Some people don’t want to flaunt their problems. I can tell you about mine if
it will make you happy.” Josh said and I knew he would.

“Josh…” I warned.

“I was raped ok? I can’t say anything about anyone else but I was raped and
then I got involved in drugs and so now I’m here does that satisfy any
curiosity you might actually have?” Josh asked her.

“How can you get raped? You’re a guy.” Abby scoffed frowning.

“I had some adult stick their dick up my ass,” Josh said as the staff finally
tuned into our conversation, “Just because I don’t have a pussy doesn’t mean I
don’t have holes for some bastard to stick it in and get off ok? Are you
fucking stupid?”
“Josh language,” Miss Kim said, “And not an appropriate conversation for art
therapy please change the topic.”

“She basically just asked how I could be raped. Is she really oblivious as to
how that works or is she just stupid? Josh scoffed.

Just then Neal cleared his throat, “John I have to take you back to the unit,”
He said suddenly, “Your doctor wanted to see you once you got settled. This is
the only time I can really think of so if you could please follow me I’ll take
you back.”
“Are you sure?” I asked knowing what I had heard about Neal how you didn’t want
to be alone with him in case he decided you were his type.

“Yeah, I don’t think this a discussion you should be involved in any way so
let’s go,” He said opening up the door to the room as I stood up reluctantly
and looked at Dom who shrugged his shoulders, “Now,” Neal prompted as I stepped
through the door.

He walked next to me silently until we turned down a hallway I had never been
down before, “Why didn’t you tell me your level?” He asked me quietly from
behind me.

“I didn’t think it mattered,” I answered feeling my mouth go dry. This couldn’t
be happening.

“You know how often I get to touch an untouchable? Most of you guys turn, enjoy
it after a while but you. You’re a fighter, aren’t you? You don’t want to be
one of us that makes it exciting,” He said as he opened a door into what looked
like another examining room, “In.”

I exhaled and went into the room. I knew what he wanted. I knew he was going to
rape me. He shut the door behind him locking it and he confirmed my fears. I
didn’t know why he had taken us so far from where anyone else would be but I
could only guess it was in case I screamed. He smiled at me his eyes flashing
as he undid his belt.

“Strip,” He said looking at me licking his lips.

“Please,” I said looking at him, “Please don’t.”

“You’re only supposed to beg after I start. See now you’re just being edger.
Come on strip,” He said pulling his shirt over his head and undoing his pants
as he smiled, “I think I remember something. Should we start with some
foreplay?”

“Wha? N-n-n-no,” I stammered lifting my shirt up over my head finally.

“It’s ok, I’ll make it feel good before I make you scream,” he said looking at
me as I folded my arms over my naked chest.

“I’d rather you just get to it personally,” I answered him even though he
hadn’t asked the question again or another question.

“I don’t think so. I think it might be the best way to make you scream? Is that
why you’re here? Because daddy likes sucking your dick a little too much? I
knew a couple of guys that were like that in my time. Understandable but is it
really worth killing yourself over?” Neal questioned as he forced me back onto
the examining table undoing the snaps on my pants so that I was exposed.

“Don’t,” I said as he started kissing my waist and belly button, “Don’t, stop
it.” I said pushing at him as hard as I could, trying to push him away.

“You want to fight I will restrain you,” Neal said, “Can’t markup that pretty
flesh, all right?” he said as he held my wrist tightly.

“I really don’t like that. Please don’t do it,” I begged him as he looked at me
closely.

He smiled evilly, “If you close your eyes maybe you’ll enjoy it.” He said
before letting go of my wrist and biting my belly button lightly before he
stuck his tongue it in as I felt myself starting to get hard. Fuck I didn’t
want this. “Well hello, you’re actually very impressive I can see why your
Daddy likes to suck it so much how old are you?” He asked me as he ran his
tongue over my tip making me swear.

“Yeah?” He asked me, “How old are you?”

“13,” I answered as he grabbed me and started rubbing up and down my shaft
lightly making me gasp as my breathing started to speed up.

“And you have like what 3 and half 4 inches here? That’s impressive does it
taste as good as it looks?”

I felt the blood drain from my face he really was going to blow me. I didn’t
want this. “God please someone call him or something give him a reason not to
be here with me” was all I could think. I didn’t want him touching me as he
finally slid his mouth around me and I whimpered trying to keep my hands still
trying to not grab him to try and push him away. I hated that I wasn’t allowed
to stop him, that I wasn’t allowed to fight back.

“Shit,” I said through gritted teeth as his mouth started to really do its job
and accomplish what he wanted it to as I felt the pressure get to an unbearable
point as I struggled not to climax and not to push him away at the same time.

I wanted him to stop. I really wanted him to stop. The tingling going from a
slight pressure to feeling like my whole groin was asleep as it got to the
point where I knew I was going to cum and that I couldn’t stop it anymore, “Ok,
fuck, ok I said stop, stop it. STOP!” I finally screamed right before I
climaxed into his mouth which made him suck more as he swallowed. He came up
gasping for air smiling at me making me feel sick to my stomach.

“You taste really awesome, like I’ve swallowed plenty and yours really taste
good, roll over,” he said.

I didn’t have to look closely at it to know. I would rather he rape me and it
hurt from behind then have to stare into his eyes as he did, as he went slow
bumping against that spot inside me that made me want to shoot myself in the
face. I sighed doing as I was told not wanting to see him, to look at him.

I didn’t know what he was doing probably putting something on to make him slick
because he didn’t use his fingers to prep me but just shoved himself in wet and
cold making me bite my mouth closed to hide my scream because it hurt. It felt
like he was ripping my insides apart. I heard him grunt.

“God your tight,” He muttered into my neck as he finally made it all the way
in, “That’s why I love untouchables always so fucking tight you don’t get used
into the ground like ones or twos.”

On his first thrust the pain was so much I screamed before I could help myself
which caused him to stop moving against me once he was balls deep in me once
again. I knew I was going to be bleeding when he finished if he kept going the
way he was. That there was too much friction and it was causing a burning
sensation to travel up my tailbone.

“Nice, sounds beautiful,” He said pounding harder,” Just relax.”

I tried to close my eyes. To go somewhere else hoping that he wouldn’t hurt me
too badly and I might just end up walking funny because of the fact whatever he
used for lubrication wasn’t a good product. When he was done, he pulled out all
the way the suction as he pulled free hurting me making me hiss.

“Oh opphs, next time I’ll have to be more gentle I guess I was a little too
rough,” He said, “Sorry I guess I’m used to the ones and twos they can handle
15 inches pounding fucking hard before they start to bleed. Your dad is gentle
with you?” he asked me as I went to go stand up and felt the pain shoot up my
tail bone.

“I’m not talking about him,” I said as I pulled my pants back up.

He looked at me closely his eyes boring into me until I averted my gaze. I
didn’t want this creep knowing anything more about me then he already did. I
didn’t want him to know what my life was like how I shared a bed with my Da,
how he always made sure he was slow and he bumped against my prostate in just
that way that made me hate myself. I didn’t want this guy to know that I
willingly went even though I hated it because it kept my brothers safe, kept
them from getting hurt by him from hating themselves as much as I hated myself.

“He is, isn’t he?” He asked me smiling, “Daddy’s special boy?”

I knew I visibly shuddered when he said it. Just hearing it made me blood run
cold. I knew that was a part of why I was here. That people knew, that Dom knew
and Pat and Cole but I didn’t want anyone else knowing. Knowing that my Da was
like that. That he would rather take his time and make my body respond then
hurt me, fight with me.

“Don’t say that,” I said not able to look him in the face.

“Yeah? Makes your skin crawl thinking about it?” He asked and I could hear the
smirk in his voice as I tried to keep myself from crying, “That’s why you did
it? That’s why you tried to kill yourself because you would rather die than
admit you like it?”
“Can we go back now?” I asked still not looking at him my whole body shaking.

“That’s it, isn’t it? You like it sweet and slow just like daddy? I bet when he
makes you cum it taste even better, because you’re relaxed. Daddy make out with
you too? He doesn’t just fuck you he makes love to you. Doesn’t he?” he
taunted.
“Shut up,” I said finally looking at him. I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t
want him to know.

He laughed, “He does and you enjoy it. I bet you cum so hard for him, don’t
you? You think if I was gentle and nice I could make you cum that hard?” He
asked me walking forward causing me to back up against the wall feeling like I
was choking even though he wasn’t touching me.

All of the sudden a buzzer went off making me jump out of my skin and then a
voice sounded over the loud speaker, “Dr. White to Unit B, Dr. White to Unit
B.”

“Fucking Christ,” Neal swore and walked over to the phone on the wall and hit a
number, “Yeah is this about John M? The Dr. White? Yeah, no you don’t have to
worry about it. I have him. Yeah, he’s with me he’s fine. Mhm, yep we’re on our
way back.” He said and then hung up the phone.

“What’s Dr. White mean?” I asked him.

“Missing Patient,” he answered simply grabbing his belt off the floor and
putting it on, “Come on we’re late I didn’t mean to take so long I guess I’ll
have to get you on the night shift because you’re a really really good fuck
give it to you nice and soft and slow huh?” He said smiling at me as he
finished doing up his belt and opened the door to take me back to the unit.

We walked in silence him behind me, watching me probably to see if I started
bleeding or anything so he could pull me into a bathroom to clean up if he had
to. Every movement sending a weird burning pain up my ass and into my waist and
hips. It didn’t feel as bad as it had before when I had been forced violently
but still hurt enough that I knew I was moving weird and he was watching me
closely.

When we got to the double doors I turned a looked at him frowning. I just
wanted to go back to the unit and hopefully go to sleep. He came up and
unlocked the door pushing it open for us allowing me to pass through the doors.
I walked into the Unit and found it mostly empty the only one that was still
there was Burgess. He had a tray of food in front of him sitting at the corner
table of the day room.

“There you are,” Tony said putting a tray down next to Burgess’ “you eat your
meals here for the next three days. It’s just caution make sure you don’t hurt
yourself or anything. When you’re done put all of your leftover food and
utensils on the tray and put the lid on. Have a good meal. You can’t go down to
gym because you are on restrictions with Burgess and Dom so you’ll be in here
for gym time.”

I sat down where he had put the tray down and pulled the lid off looking at it.
It looked like a piece of rubber pretending to be meat smothered in fat
pretending to be gravy with a side of peas and mashed potatoes. I frowned
closely at it picking it up with my fork turning it over.

“If you don’t eat it they’ll label you ED,” Burgess said looking at me as he
cut into his with his fork and took a bite of it.

“ED?” I asked confused.

“Eating disordered, you know like anorexic,” he said, “You look like you don’t
weigh that much.”

“Says you,” I said but it was true. I had lost weight in the 2 weeks since I
had been home, “What happens if they give you that label?”

“They eat with you, they won’t let you use the bathroom for 2 hours after
meals, won’t let you brush your teeth after you eat, they watch what you eat
and give you something to drink if they think you don’t eat enough. However,
they might do that anyway after they weigh you tomorrow because you don’t weigh
nearly enough for someone your height,” He told me.

“I don’t have an eating disorder I just…it’s hard to want to eat when …,” I
trailed off.

“When your stomach is constantly in knots because you’re waiting for someone to
attack you or they are withholding food from you because they want less of a
mess?” Burgess asked me. And I nodded my head, “Yeah but you have to trust me.
You don’t want to deal with the bullshit I have to deal with. Once I finish
this plate they are going to bring me a can of boost that I have to drink. If I
don’t finish everything on this plate they’ll bring me two and I have to drink
both.”
“What if you refused?” I asked.

“They’ll take me to isolation and they’ll make me eat something else if you
know what I mean,” Burgess said, “It’s makes me feel fucking disgusting. All of
it but at least this taste better than that. At least in this I can control the
salt content a little bit.”
“You mean they make you swallow?” I asked thinking about the last time I was
forced to give oral how I couldn’t remember it because it had been that long
ago.

“Yep and I fucking hate it so I’d rather just eat the food,” Burgess said, “So
eat your food, all of your food. Trust me.”

I gulped looking at it closely before I speared a piece of meat off with my
fork and put it in my mouth the gravy tasting thick and almost like creamy
jello as I struggled to swallow without throwing up. I tried to swallow another
bite of the congealed half meat half rubber substance before I knew I wouldn’t
be able to take anymore and then focused on my mashed potatoes and peas. Mr.
Tony came in shortly as the door to the unit opened and Dom came back and sat
down at the table with us.
“Why aren’t you eating your meat?” Mr. Tony asked me causing Burgess and Dom to
snicker at the dirty pun he had unintentionally made.

“huh, it doesn’t taste very good,” I answered simply.

“How much do you weigh you think?” Mr. Tony asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered, “I know I’ve been stressed so I’ve lost weight but
I didn’t think it was dangerous. I don’t have an Eating Disorder.”

“Well what did you eat yesterday?” He asked me.

“I was in a coma for the last 3 days,” I answered, “So I’m pretty sure I didn’t
eat anything.”

“What did you eat before your coma,” He asked me.

“Some potato crisps I’m pretty sure,” I answered recalling the nasty burger
that was presented to me at lunch, “some orange juice and water I think. I
wasn’t exactly…” I trailed off not wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to
admit to him that my Da had more or less told me I should eat things high in
fiber so I didn’t make a mess.

“Hungry?” Mr. Tony finished.

“Yeah,” I answered, “I don’t know just like a lot of stuff going on.”

“You want to tell me a bit about it?” He asked me quietly.

“My mum took us to Montana because my Da was, beating her. He wasn’t being very
nice to anyone really so we left. We were gone for a little while and things
were hard but better. I spent all my time at home or with my girlfriend Heather
but she usually came over to my house because I was taking care of the babies
and stuff so she’d help me out and we’d do homework and stuff together and
things seemed to be ok but then. He found us. He hired some guys actually and
they found us and took us home. When we got back he took my mum away. Brought
her here and things have just been hard,” I said.

“What do you mean by hard? And what about hard but better?” He asked me softly.

“Well, mum had two jobs there were 11 of us, that’s a lot of kids to take care
of on your own. You need a lot of money for that and it was just her and us so
she got two jobs, right? So, Will, that’s my younger brother who is 11 and I,
we took care of everyone. We feed them, helped them do their homework get ready
for school, put them to bed. Mum did those things on her days off of course
but, a lot of the time she was working so she couldn’t. We’re not bad at
cooking and stuff but we’re not the greatest but we did good and we didn’t have
to worry about Da so it was nice. It was safe. Things with Da are…he’s not a
good person.” I answered.

“Why do you think you’re Da isn’t a good person did you ever see him hit your
mom? Did he ever hit you?” He asked me.

“Yeah. I saw him hurt her. He hit me a couple of times but, mostly it was other
things,” I said.

“What other things?” He prompted me.

I shook my head, “I don’t …”

“Want to talk about it? Whatever it is you’re holding onto you shouldn’t have
to deal with alone John. Do you think maybe that’s why you tried to kill
yourself? Because there are things you need to talk about that you feel like
you can’t share with anyone?” He asked me.

“I just wanted a break,” I said not looking at him, “I just needed to breathe.”

“You feel like you can’t breathe?” He asked me.

“Sometimes, it’s like it never goes away I can always feel it it’s… And people
says he’s not like the others that he’s different and I know that. I know it’s
true I just… I feel like I can’t breathe between him and everyone else I feel
like I’m drowning,” I answered bring my hand up to my mouth and pulling my
knees into my chest, “I just needed a break.”

“From what?” Mr. Tony prompted me again.

“You, know why so many of us are here surely?” Dom said interrupting our talk.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what he’s saying you’ve heard it often enough. I
don’t know if you realize you work for them or not but the fact that you don’t
hate your Dad tells me you either do and you decided this isn’t a pick-up spot
for you or you like to turn the other cheek and pretend it’s not happening.”

“We’re not here to talk about me, I’m talking about John. And yes, I get what
he’s getting at but he needs to say it,” Mr. Tony said.

“He’s not going to say it if he’s not ready to. You know that. Don’t force him
to say it that’s just cruel,” Dom said.

“Dom that’s enough if you don’t go and sit down and watch TV I will put you in
isolation understand?” Mr. tony warned which made Dom shake his head and look
at me sadly as if to say he was sorry. I felt thankful that he had tried to
protect me and he walked away to sit down.

“What did you need a break from?” Mr. Tony asked me again.

“Them. I couldn’t deal with them anymore. It was all the time, ever since mum
brought us back. I know I told them I’d try to be ok but, I couldn’t. I just
needed a break if only for a second. I know what I am, I do. I accept it but,
this isn’t fair it’s not fair that…he won’t even let me eat normal, food like
everyone else anymore,” I said before I covered my mouth with my hand realizing
what I was admitting to. That I was letting this guy know these things that
were going to get him killed.

“John, you’re ok no one can hurt you here,” He answered.

“Yeah, they can,” I answered, “It’s not me I’m worried about though.”

“Me?” He asked me.

“Fuck yeah you,” Burgess said from where he was sitting in a chair in the
corner.

“Guys, listen to me closely whatever this is I’m here to help you. I won’t talk
about me but you’re safe here,” Mr. Tony insisted.

So, he really didn’t know. He didn’t know about Sam and Neal or he didn’t want
to believe it. I sighed I wasn’t going to say anything else to this guy. I
didn’t want him to know. I didn’t want him to know what it felt like. What
their hands felt like on my skin. I didn’t want to tell him that I couldn’t
keep my body from giving them what they wanted. I didn’t want to talk about it.

“Would you believe us if we all told you the same thing?” Dom asked him.

“If someone would actually say it, maybe I would but all you guys do is talk
around it in front of me like you think I don’t understand what you’re saying
indirectly. I understand but I’m not going to confront all of you and maybe I
should,” Mr. tony said, “Maybe it’s time someone else besides Josh was honest
around here.”

“John, I’m sorry,” Dom said looking at me before he grabbed something beside
him and a crayon and wrote something on a piece of paper and walked to Mr. Tony
handing it to him, “Go here, you’ll see everything. You’ll get it by just going
there to that website.”

“Ok,” Mr. Tony sighed, “we actually have a computer in the back office. I’ll
take a look stay here I’ll be back.” He said before he walked away quickly. And
into the back behind the desk.

“What’s on the website?” I asked confused.

“My pops showed it to me and asked me some questions about what he saw, if I
knew anything about it,” Dom answered, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to but it’s the
only way he’ll know ok?”

“Why do you keep saying you’re sorry? What’s on the web…,” I stopped as I
realized why he kept saying it. Why he seemed to mean it so whole heartedly. I
felt my eyes getting wet as I started to shiver, “That’s how he…no.”

“John,” Dom said.

“NO! I don’t want him to see that no Dom please why did you do that why?” I
asked him starting to cry.

“Dom what did you do?” Burgess asked.

“John, come here please,” Dom said holding out his arms to me as I buried my
face in my knees trying to calm myself down, trying to slow my heart beat. When
I didn’t move, he came over to me and hugged me.

“I’m sorry. I know you don’t want him to see that, I’m so so sorry but it’s one
way that none of us have to explain anything. I swear to you ok?” Dom said.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he bent over to hug me. I felt like I
couldn’t breathe but like he was the only thing allowing me to live, giving me
something to hold onto like I would have done if Pat had been there. I didn’t
want to think of what Tony was seeing. How he was probably seeing the same
thing my mum had seen that had made her start to go mad that Matty had seen and
Leo and Sam and who the hell knew who else?”

“It’s their site, isn’t it?” Burgess asked, “You know what’s on that damned
thing? It’s not just him. It’s anyone they’ve ever filmed.”

“He’s easy to find though,” Dom answered, “He’s as easy to find as I am.”

“Because of the way they have things labeled? You think he’s going to
understand those labels?” Burgess asked.

“All he has to do is find the word redheads and click on it and we’re right
there both of us along with five other guys. Pictures and video ok, so don’t.
If I could have shown myself without showing John’s too I would have but I
can’t it’s not possible and John has more videos, then I do believe it or not.”
Dom answered.

We turned as we heard a loud bang coming from across the lobby and saw Tony
looking sheepish and apologizing to someone behind the desk who was giving him
a dirty look as he looked like he was trying to keep his calm. His eyes were
wide and looked scared like he was shaking but trying to hide it. He came into
the day room and shut the door behind him.

“So, it’s not just one person?” He asked.

“No,” Dom answered him, “It’s just about anyone. You know how when you did my
body search you asked me about the weird scar on my hip? We all have it. It’s
sort of like a cult where they…it sucks.”

“So, those videos were real?” He asked and I could feel his eyes as me as I
squeezed my eyes shut tight and buried my head in Dom’s shoulder just trying
not to scream, not to freak out.

“Yeah,” Dom answered patting my back lightly.

“All of them even the one with the …,” He started to ask but Dom cut him off.

“They’re all real trust me, does it look like they’re not real to you?” Dom
asked him.

Mr. Tony sighed heavily and I heard him pull a chair out from around the table,
“Ok. You know there isn’t supposed to be physical contact Dom.”

“He needed a hug. Wouldn’t you?” Dom asked him.

“Yes, but you need to let him go now,” Mr. Tony said as Dom let go of me and
sat down in the chair next to me.

“You ok John?” Mr. Tony asked me and I didn’t open my eyes but I nodded my
head. My heart having finally slowed as I opened my eyes and looked at him. I
could see his pity there how sorry he felt for me, for all of us. He looked at
me and sighed.
“In my time, they didn’t have the internet or videos like they do now. They
weren’t nearly as organized. I never dealt with that many of them at once,” Mr.
Tony said, “I knew we were getting some people here some of their victims but I
didn’t know it was all of you. That’s why your mum took you and left? Took you
and your siblings?”

I nodded my head still not sure I was ready to speak. Still not sure what he
knew, “Can we talk somewhere private?” I asked him more because I didn’t want
Burgess to hear what I was going to say about my Da if I did tell him anything.
“Yeah sure,” Mr. Tony said standing up, “Come on follow me,” He said as he
walked behind the desk and into a back hallway I had never been in before and
opened a door, “I know there’s not a lot of places to sit just the floor but,
it’s private.”
***** 12 *****
Chapter Summary
     Mostly John talking to people in the hospital learning more about the
     brotherhood. Some rape.
Chapter Notes
     204 to 223, still many miles to go I know it's getting repetitive at
     least I feel it is. Someone else said it was too. Let me know what
     you think warnings: Rape/non-con, fighting, swearing, mental
     hospital, mental health issues.
I looked into the room and saw he was right, the room had padded white walls
and the floor was the same with nothing else but a small bathroom in the
corner. I sighed, this made me nervous. I didn’t like this room.
“What is this?” I asked confused.

“It’s an isolation room, you’re ok though you’re not in trouble. I promise. I
just don’t have any other place that private. Is there anywhere you want to
start?” He asked me.

“She took us away because last year. My brothers and I we left boarding school
and came here back to the states. She was pregnant so she didn’t come with us
at first. He, my Da I knew something was off when we got on the plane, that it
wasn’t right that he was more like…he wasn’t always bad you have to understand
that. He used to take us to the zoo on the weekends away from school and to
museum’s. We used to go to the park and have picnics and we were happy almost
normal but at night he…he wasn’t very nice.” I said.
“What do you mean by that?” Mr. Tony asked me softly.

I swallowed the lump in my throat staring at the corner of the wall, “When mum
fell asleep he’d climb into bed with me. He’d do things to me but it wasn’t
like that every weekend just sometimes. But on the plane, I knew. I knew that
he wasn’t my happy good Da anymore that he was the one who came to me at night
sometimes. He when we got back here, he made me share a bed with him and he
promised he wouldn’t let my uncle hurt my brothers. He did a lot of stuff to me
and he let his friends do things and my uncle and I started drinking just so I
didn’t have to feel anymore. and when my mum came back and she found out how
bad it was she tried to take us and leave but one of his friends found us and
took us back home. So, she started planning to try again. She kept telling me
to hold on that she was going to get us away that I would be ok that we would
be safe and we did it took a while but we got away again. And we were gone and
in Montana and I was going to therapy and stuff all of us were. He wasn’t, he
wasn’t there we didn’t have to worry I could be normal almost I had a
girlfriend I was …working towards feeling comfortable in my body like it was
really mine and not his and then a PI came. One he hired. I felt like I was
dying,” I paused trying to hold back my tears, “I knew we had to go back and we
did. I’ve been his ever since. Every night. There’s this guy that he took me
once I thought he was never going to bring me back. He said he was going to
give me to him for the weekend and I couldn’t…I can’t…. they I can’t. I know I
promised them, my brother and Pat that I would try but …”

“You’re really afraid of him? The guy your Dad wanted to have you spend the
weekend with?” Mr. Tony asked.

“Yeah, I can’t deal with both of them,” I answered, “I can’t deal with both my
Da and him I just can’t.”

“What is your Dad like?” Mr. Tony asked me.

“I…,” I paused trying to think of what I should say, what was ok to say. How
did I explain that I knew he didn’t see me the way he should? How could I
explain that even though he wasn’t hurting me he was hurting me? Most people
thought of rape as this violent and brutal act of violation but did it really
count as rape when you laid down and closed your eyes as they pressed against
you and made you squirm because you didn’t want it but it felt good? Could it
really be rape if you consented no matter how consent was attained?

“Take your time anything you say to me I won’t tell anyone I promise,” He said
seeing that I was struggling.

“It’s hard to explain,” I answered slowly.

“That’s ok take your time,” Mr. Tony repeated.

“He doesn’t hit me that often he just… I mean I don’t want to, but I can’t…I
say no he hits me and it hurts or he goes and he gets someone else and does
things to them instead and I can’t…I can’t let him. I can’t let him do that,” I
managed to say.

“You’re saying that he makes you spent the night with him? He makes you have
sex with him? If you don’t if you even just tell him no he threatens to hurt
someone else your siblings?” Mr. Tony asked me.

“Yeah,” I said no longer able to hold back the tears, “But he doesn’t always
tie me down sometimes I just let him.”

“Ok,” Mr. Tony said quietly sitting up straighter, “That’s still force. He’s
making you think you have a choice but he’s not giving you one; not really.
He’s asking you to choose between protecting yourself and protecting your
siblings that’s not really a choice at all. That’s like asking someone if they
want to be stabbed in the foot or the hand John. That’s not a real choice. He
wants you to feel guilty about it, he wants you to think you’re choosing it.
You’re not, he’s making you.”

“But he’s not and it…,” I stopped I didn’t know how to explain it.

“Listen to me very carefully ok? He’s not giving you a choice it doesn’t matter
if he’s holding you down and hurting you or not he’s not giving you a real
choice. It doesn’t matter how your body responds it’s not a real choice,” Mr.
Tony said, “Forcing you to feel so trapped you take a razor to your wrists so
you bleed out is not giving you a choice.”

“Ok,” I answered nodding my head, “Ok.”

“Is that why you wanted to talk alone because you were afraid of what someone
would think when they heard he doesn’t always tie you down?” he asked me and I
nodded my head he sighed, “He’s using his words to hold you down and words can
be just as powerful as any hit or hand cuff you’re not getting a choice, you’re
lack of a no or relenting when he threatens someone else so he doesn’t hurt
them isn’t you giving him a yes.”

“He says it is,” I answered after a minute.

“He’s lying to you because he wants you to feel guilty, he wants to take all of
the bad feelings he should be having about what he’s doing and he’s putting
them on you. Has he ever told you it’s because you’re so attractive? That if
you weren’t maybe things would be different? That there’s nothing wrong with
it? Any of those things ring a bell?” He asked me.

I just nodded my head in response my eyes still on the corner of the wall. I
still couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Because if he was lying to me I
knew I would see it in his eyes and I couldn’t stand knowing he was lying just
to make me feel better. I couldn’t stand seeing the pity there if he was
telling the truth either so I just didn’t look at him.

“That’s him lying so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it, so you can feel
guilty about it. Somewhere he knows it’s wrong but he can’t stop himself
because he’s a sick twisted person who gets off on hurting everyone around him
especially you. None of what he does is your fault no matter what he tells
you,” Mr. Tony said, “Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like it’s your
fault,” He said and I heard his voice break.

I knew he was trying not to cry himself as I sat there starting to calm down,
starting to feel like I could breathe again for the first time since Pat had
walked out of the house on Thursday night. He waited for a while longer
allowing a type of comfortable silence to fall into the room and cover the air.
Allow it to wrap itself around us like a blanket of protection.

“You think you’re ok?” He asked me after a minute.

“Yeah, I’m ok it’s just…it’s not fair,” I answered still not looking at him.

“No, it’s not, let’s go back to the day room. It should be just about time for
Social issues group I think we’re having it with the girls tonight,” Mr. Tony
said standing up and looking at me offering me a hand slowly to help me up off
the ground, “You can use the bathroom beforehand, rinse your face off you’re a
little …”

“Swollen from crying?” I asked and he nodded his head looking at me, “I don’t
cry that often but when I do it makes me look like a strawberry, my face goes
all red and blotchy and my nose gets runny and it’s gross. Not that he ever
complains,” I said smiling a little before I could stop myself thinking of Pat
of how he always held me while I screamed and sobbed into his chest or shoulder
whenever I needed him. Thinking of how much I wished he was with me.

“Him? I take it you’re not talking about your dad?” Mr. Tony asked me.

I sighed realizing what I had said, “A friend.”

“Ah,” Mr. Tony said knowingly, “Well, we can talk about that different time if
you like. He sounds like a good friend let’s go.” He said opening up the door
to the silent room as we stepped back out in the hallway and went back around
the desk to the day room where I turned to go down the hallway to use the
bathroom.

I looked in the mirror and I was right, my face was a mess so I turned on the
cold water allowing it to run into my hands and then splashing it a couple
times onto my face and rubbing it in vigorously until my skin was no longer red
and blotchy but white even though my eyes were still slightly puffy and blood
shot. I sighed. I could do this. I felt better like I could handle this like I
wasn’t crazy or dirty but just desperate. Like I was finally getting the air I
so urgently needed in order to feel alive even if it wasn’t a permanent fix to
my problem.

Once I figured I looked good enough to go back out to the day room I walked
back down the hall to find everyone using phones a line up against the hallway
and Dom looked at me closely, “You ok?” He asked me putting his hand over the
receiver part of the phone.

“Yeah,” I answered, “I’m ok I was just… you know,” I said.

“Come here,” Dom said waving me over and handing me the phone.

“What?” I asked confused until I heard his voice making my heart stop.

“Rabbit? Is that you?” Pat asked me.

“Yes, oh my god yes, it’s me,” I said almost crying again.

“Are you ok? What are you doing there what happened? Will said you did
something but I didn’t, why? Are you, all right? What’s it like there are
things ok?” He asked me all at once.

“Huh, yeah it was…tell Will I told him he could tell you everything. I just
couldn’t. I couldn’t deal with all of them at once I know I promised I’d try
and I did I really did Pat you have to understand it’s not…it wasn’t because of
anything with you,” I said.

“I know it’s not because of me. I came to see you Saturday and your Dad
wouldn’t let me but apparently told Will I stopped by and Will called me. He
told me that he found you in the bath tub and that you were in a coma. Can I
ask why?” He asked me.
“He was going to send me to him. And I couldn’t Pat, not after everything else.
I just remember thinking it would better to be gone then be with him. I’m sorry
but I couldn’t not with Da too and he was…Thursday was hard,” I said trying to
stay calm trying not to worry about how much he probably hated me for trying to
leave him.

“Will told me, about what he did. About Thursday. I don’t blame you Rabbit. Are
you ok though? What about staff?” Pat asked quietly.

“I think I’m ok. Staff is…I don’t know. There’s this one guy he’s…he said
somethings that I’m sure he’s going to follow through on and I’m scared of it
but otherwise I think I’ll be ok,” I answered.

“Neal?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered honestly.

“I remember him he’s a real asshole. Don’t let him know anything he’ll use it
against you. If you can avoid it don’t be alone with him ok Rabbit?” Pat urged
me.

“It’s too late and you know how easy it is to read my face even when I try to
hide things,” I answered. Thinking of what Neal knew. The things that I hadn’t
told him the things my silence had revealed to him.

“Shit, just try to not be alone with him please, behave don’t give them any
reason to put you in isolation ok trust me that’s not somewhere you want to go
not if Nate is still working there,” Pat warned me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “It’s amazing to hear you. He doesn’t want me to
see you, to talk to you.”

“Yeah that’s what I gathered from talking to him. He’s pissed. He asked me
straight out and of course I denied it. Kept insisting we’re just friends but
he knows Rabbit. He knows so we have to be careful ok?” Pat said.

“As long as we don’t confirm it he doesn’t have to tell. As long as we don’t
let him know there’s anything there that we’re acting on we’re safe,” I said.

“I know. Not being able to see you is hard though especially right now.” He
sighed heavily.

“I keep wishing I could see you but, he contracted me you know? Weekends
with…well,” I trailed off.

“NO! FUCK!” Pat yelled hurting my ear as I pulled the phone away and he kept
swearing, “Are you fucking kidding what the fuck is that? That’s fucking psycho
he knows how you fucking feel about that fucking shit packing cock sucking
asshole eating cunt bucket what the fuck? No!” He swore into the phone as Troy
frowned at me from the phone next to me and I smiled awkwardly.

“I…there’s nothing I can do it’s already done,” I answered, “So I’m breathing.
I’m here I’m going to get through this and then I’m going to deal with it.”

“You shouldn’t have to. This is my fault,” Pat sighed, “If I wouldn’t have said
anything none of this would have happened. The beating what they did, Leo none
of it. I should be where you are not you.”

“No please don’t say that. You don’t need to be here. It was my mistake getting
myself sent here. Nothing you did made it happen it was them. I just needed to
breathe and here even with Nate the idea of him and what I know he’s going to
do I feel like I’m actually breathing. As much as it hurts to breathe without
you,” I said as I felt that lump return to my throat.

“God, I love you. I’m sorry I’m sorry I can’t fix this for you,” Pat said I
heard the tears in his voice.

“I love you too, I’m sorry I did this to you,” I answered.

“I’ll call you both later can you give the phone back to Dom?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Dom?” I asked as he stood back away by the desk and
held the phone up towards him.
“Yeah, I got it,” He said coming up and grabbing it from me, “Hey it’s me.”

I sighed walking away. I knew why he had called him. Why he had let me talk to
him and I silently thanked him for it. He had known I needed him without me
ever saying anything about it. He knew us and he knew I needed him like I
needed that hug earlier after he had let me know about the website. After he
had begged for my forgiveness. I went and sat down in the day room and waited
for group to start.

After a few minutes, Troy sat down next to me, “Someone was upset,” He said
looking at me.

“Huh yeah it’s…,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“He was upset in a colorful way your brother?” He questioned.

“A friend,” I answered.

“A friend you love like a brother?” He asked.

I sighed heavily, “Why?”

“Well, he didn’t sound old enough to be an uncle or anything and I know who
your Uncle is so…I’m assuming you either love him like a brother or…because you
know it’s been known to happen however I’d be very careful about that if I were
you,” Troy warned me.

“Yeah, I know are you going to tell Sam or Neal?” I asked him.

“No,” Troy said, “Considering you’re untouchable I have a feeling with Neal you
will have your hands full so I wouldn’t do that to you and whoever you were on
the phone with. I know I’m younger than everyone else but I’m not stupid you
know?”

“I have a brother your age. His name is Will he’s a good guy. Don’t worry about
your age we know you’re not stupid if anyone cared to remember five years ago,
or less they would realize you’re not any different than us.” I answered.

“I’m a little different I mean you’re untouchable I’m a one I don’t have a
family I just have…me,” He said shrugging his shoulders.

“Yeah Eric said something about having 8 dads, they move you around?” I asked.

“Yeah our adoptions aren’t real they just kind of pass us around like we’re
dogs in a commune or something I guess? We’re permanent contracts just about,
someone buys our contract we go with them. I was six. My mum died I think. It’s
hard to remember. I remember a lot of crack pipes I once stepped on one and it
broke and the glass got stuck in my foot. That’s about the most I remember
about her though. Is that weird?” Troy asked me.

“Probably not, I mean if things were not good you might have just blocked a lot
of it out and that doesn’t sound that great,” I answered.

“I remember her face, she had dark eyes her hair was always long and greasy,
dirty. I don’t know I don’t remember what she sounded like though,” Troy said.

“I’m sorry. A lot of us apparently don’t have mums,” I answered.

“Yeah, I don’t know she might have sold me,” He said suddenly causing me to
look at him more closely, “Well you if you think about it, a drug addict as bad
as she was it’s possible, right? I mean someone offered the right price and she
just…decided they would make a better parent then her so there you go I guess.”

“You really think she sold you?” I asked him seriously, “You just said you
didn’t remember her like hardly at all.”

“I don’t but from what I do remember about her I wouldn’t put it past her,”
Troy answered.

“My mum tried to keep us safe, she did she didn’t just roll over and take it
she tried to get us out. We were gone for like 7 months away from them, my
Uncle and my Da and we were starting to get better, to do ok,” I said.

“He was hurting all of you?” Troy asked, “Your brother Will and you and your
mum?”

“I have 11 siblings. It wasn’t everyone but everyone over the age of like 4. He
had started touching my little sister and I think that to my mum was the last
draw. After that she when she really started saying she was going to get us
out. After that and James,” I said.

“One of your brothers?” Troy asked.

“Yeah he’s seven now. Lord you know him, right?” I asked and Troy nodded his
head, “He came to Christmas and Da gave him time with James as a gift. If I
could have I would have killed them both. He’s still so little and he was in so
much pain he couldn’t even cry just whimper and say “it hurts it hurts” after
they were…finished. It made me so angry I couldn’t do anything to help him. To
make it go away to make him not feel that because I remember. I still remember
that how bad that felt that first…” I shook my head trying to shake away my
anger.

“You were with him?” He asked me frowning.

“I was. Have you heard rumors about my uncle? About his dungeons?” I asked
Troy.

“Yeah that’s true?” He asked me.

“He lives with us, my family and yeah they lock us down there for days
sometimes. Usually it’s just me but sometimes it’s with other people. Pat and
Cole. Will has been down there, my other brothers Mike and Matt. Everyone else
under James is too young I guess? I don’t know. But yeah, it’s true. That’s all
the use them for its… whenever I see the door to the basement open my heart
stops.” I said.

“That really sucks are they like nice at least?” Ron asked me looking at me and
I realized a couple people were listening in.

“You mean like a finished basement? Yeah. I’ve heard that after coming here so
many times they lock you somewhere gross and dirty like just with a mattress
and a hole in the floor type of deal,” I said.

“Sounds like my room,” Ron said shrugging, “It’s not horrible I’ve seen them
keep guys in dog crates before so it’s whatever but yeah. You’ve never tried to
kill yourself before?”

“No,” I said.

“Don’t try again. After the first time, they only send you here if you were put
in the ER. If it’s considered not serious they’ll take you to the Villa and
have people bid on you. What they should do with you it’s… well I’m sure you’ve
been to the Villa. I’m sure you remember what it’s like but yeah, your
punishment is usually getting underpinned is what they call it. They take you
away from your home your handler and do things to break you. They beat you and
starve you don’t let you have clothes that sort of thing.” Ron said, “Just
don’t do it again.”

“I won’t,” I answered, “I’m afraid of what I’m going to go home to honestly.”

“With your uncle, you should be,” Tyler said.

“Nice Tyler,” Dillon snorted, “Scare the fuck out of him.”

“I’m just saying,” Tyler said, “With his uncle he should be weary especially
with all his little brothers and sisters at home. He knows what he’s doing them
right now.”

“Don’t remind him Tyler,” Dom said and then muttered something in Russian under
his breath.

Just then Mr. Tony came back into the room and sighed looking at us, “Ok we
have social issues with the girl tonight so Sam is going to be leading. He’ll
be here in a second. You know the rules make sure all talk is relevant to the
group topic. If it’s not a part of the group topic or discussion don’t say it.
If you don’t want the group to hear it don’t say it. I’m going to open the door
just file into the room and find a seat and have fun.”

He went out into the main foyer area and opened the door that was in-between
the two different sets of phones and unlocked it opening it and allowing us to
walk through to the girl’s side. We walked into their day room which while it
looked smaller from out in the hallway was actually bigger the windows on the
one side open to a back area that looked like a playground of some kind that
was in closed. It made me wonder if we would end up going outside at some point
while I was here being that it was usually warm outside and fresh air never
hurt anyone. I sat down between Dom and Tyler in on corner of the room and
someone started passing papers out and then Sam started to speak.

“Ok boys this is Hannah she’s going to help us run group today she’s the girls
staff. Today we’re talking about Eating disorders if you haven’t looked at your
papers yet who can tell me something about eating disorders?” He asked.

“Yes Tessa?” Hannah said to a blond girl who raised her hand.

“Mostly girls suffer from eating disorders and there’s one where you don’t eat
and one where you throw everything up. The media helps promote unhealthy and
unrealistic ideas that has caused an increase in eating disorders and most
people that have them are underweight.”

“Ok yes and no look at your sheets,” Hannah said as everyone looked at their
sheet in front of them, “What you are talking about first is mostly yes girls
suffer from eating disorders however there are many boys who suffer from eating
disorders as well…” As Hannah said that all of the guys looked a Burgess and he
just shrugged his shoulder and shifted in his seat, “And the one where you
don’t eat is called anorexia and the one where you throw up or purge all your
food is called bulimia. Actually, you can have an eating disorder at any weight
and there are other eating disorders like Pica where a person eats objects that
aren’t food or Binge Eating problems where they eat too much and turn to food
in order to help them relieve depression and anxiety.”

“Is this true 20% of people with anorexia will die from the illness or
complications related to it?” Some girl in the room asked.

“Yes, a lot of people think it’s about not wanting to eat that’s not what it’s
about it’s about control. You feel you lack control so you control what goes
into your body whether that’s through eating too much or too little. Some
people do it because of body image issues yeah but a lot of the time it stems
from other mental health issues,” Hannah said.

“This however sometimes comes with physical side effects, losing muscle mass
and fat can cause heart damage, you can grow fine hair on your body to try and
help you stay warmer you can develop teeth and gum problems you brain can even
start shrinking.” Sam said.

“You don’t have to be horribly underweight to have an eating disorder a lot
people who throw up their food are average weight or overweight and you can be
of average weight and still starve yourself it just depends on your body type.
You can suffer from disordered eating and not have an eating disorder.” Hannah
said.

“So, does anyone want to talk about their personal experience with an eating
disorder?" Sam said looking around the room.

“It sucks,” Tessa replied, “The media doesn’t help. I feel like if I’m not
skinny I’m not worth anything. that I’m not worth loving or caring about in any
way. I know not eating doesn’t help me, at least not health wise but it makes
me feel like I can do anything, like I’m worth caring about”

“For me it’s not that I don’t want to,” I found myself saying before I could
stop myself, “It’s not. it doesn’t feel worth it. Almost like it doesn’t really
matter and maybe if I don’t eat…” I trailed off not wanting to fill in the rest
not wanting to tell anyone what it meant to me. That if I didn’t eat and I was
ugly maybe they would just stop and leave me alone. Maybe he wouldn’t think I
was attractive enough to be worth torturing.

“Maybe if you don’t eat what John? What’s going to happen? it’s ok no one is
judging you,” Hannah said trying to encourage me to talk some more.

“Maybe if he doesn’t eat he’ll be prefect,” a very thin girl answered quietly.
I remember her eyes the most, how sad they seemed; how nearly empty the hazel
seeming almost like it was covered in something cloudy her lips pale and dried
and chapped her hair short and dull but having the look like it had once been a
beautiful glowing chestnut. I just nodded my head and I knew what she was
saying, that she was saying what I meant. that I would prefect enough they
couldn’t hurt me, they wouldn’t want to.

“Is that what you are thinking John?” Hannah asked me.

I nodded my head running a hand through my hair nervously. I felt like I had
almost given away something but I had also learned something. That my hate was
causing me to risk my health. That if I wasn’t careful I ran the risk of really
dying not that the idea seemed so bad but maybe that was why I couldn’t fight
back like I was supposed to. Maybe it was because I didn’t eat enough? I
thought about it carefully and decided that I needed to try and eat more when I
got home. That I needed to try and get stronger physically if I was ever going
to stand a chance against them.

“Ok what are some better ways to cope with our feelings other than by eating
too much or too little?” Sam asked.

“Drawing, taking up sports, listening to music, writing, painting, reading can
help too, talking to people when you’re stressed, other hobbies,” Burgess
answered.

“Very good Burgess if you know this why don’t you use some of them?” Sam
replied making Burgess’ eyes go wide in surprise as everyone turned to look at
him.

“I thought you weren’t allowed to let other people know things about me?”
Burgess asked.

“Come on B everyone knows you have one,” Sam said and I saw Burgess’ face go
pale.

I looked at Dom who leaned close to me, “It’s a trigger for him so is his first
name.”

“Can I use the rest room?” Burgess asked shifting uneasily in his seat and I
saw Sam’s eyes flash in that way that made me feel sick to my stomach. I knew
he was doing this to torture him, doing it on purpose to give him a reason to
be uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t stand watching it.

“Don’t pick on him,” I muttered.

“What?” Sam asked me and a bunch of people shifted looking at me.

“Don’t pick on him that’s not fair,” I answered, “That’s bullshit and you know
it.” I said before I realized I had sworn at him.

“Come now!” Sam said glaring at me pointing at the door, “We don’t speak that
way here.”

I swallowed and got up knowing I was in trouble but not sure how much trouble I
was really in. I sighed and got up shifting from the chair a spark of pain
shooting up my spine as I stood up and walked out into the hall way with Sam
glaring at me. He opened the door to take me behind the desk where I had been
with Tony and I knew I was going to isolation which was some place I didn’t
want to go with Sam. When we got back to the room he unlocked the door using a
key he pulled from his pocket and pointed to the interior of the room with his
finger which I entered and he entered behind me shutting the door with a loud
bang making me flinch.

“You don’t swear out there Johnny,” He said before I could turn around to face
him, “Yeah I talked to your Dad and Uncle came up with a plan on how to best
fix this problem. Apparently nice and slow is the way to go? At least according
to your Dad. should we try it out and see what happens?” He asked me coming up
really close behind me and starting to rub my shoulders.

All of this just for swearing? My fucking god how on earth was I going to deal
with this? I couldn’t deal with all of them treating me that way the pain it
caused me worse than any punch or scratch they could ever leave on my skin. I
wasn’t going to give into him without a fight no matter what he did or said he
couldn’t hurt anyone but me here. I shrugged my shoulders hard pulling forward
away from him before I turned to face him.

“No,” I said firmly shaking my head making my stance adamantly. I didn’t want
this and I wanted him to know I wasn’t going to give in.

“No?” He hissed, “Will you be saying that later when it’s not you but someone
else? Maybe Burgess because that’s who I really wanted because he’s got a tight
little ass for a one and he’s docile. Or what about Dominic? Your friends,
right? How do you think he would like it me sucking his dick?

I sighed and stomped my foot hard against the padded floor I didn’t want this.
Was I really that easy to read? Why did I have to fucking care so much? Why did
other people’s wellbeing have to matter to me so much that them just saying
that one sentence would cause me to submit. I hated that they knew that about
me and that they constantly used it and I hated that I couldn’t stop myself
from feeling that way. From feeling like they were more important than I was.
“Come on beautiful it’s been a while since I’ve been with a five,” He said
walking towards me again causing me to take a couple steps backwards until I
was up against one of the padded walls as he kept coming at me pressing hard
against me making me feel like I couldn’t breathe.

“No,” I said shaking my head forcefully as his hands started pulling at the hem
of my shirt trying to pull it up and off of my body the fabric feeling weird
and scratchy as it rubbed against my skin as I tried to keep it down, “No!” I
said forcefully as he stepped back giving me space giving me a second to think.

“I can always sedate you,” He said looking at me closely, “You ever had sex so
drugged you can remember it but when it’s happening you can’t stop it? It’s
great fun. I think you’ll enjoy it even more than just laying there and letting
it happen. At least then you’re making a choice, then you have some control the
way I’ll do it if you want to fight me on it…that will make you feel like
shit.”

I swallowed thinking about what he was saying. I didn’t want to have sex with
him. I didn’t want to lay back and let him touch me. Let his hands be on my
skin. I didn’t want to have sex with Sam not the same way I did with Da. Not
the same way I did with Leo that’s why I was here because I couldn’t stand the
fact that they couldn’t make it hurt that they wanted to be gentle to make it
feel like it was something I was choosing.

“You want a chance than just do it beautiful,” Sam said lifting his shirt up
surprising me. He had oddly toned Ab’s like I had never seen before not that my
Da wasn’t fit because he was but just how defined his torso was, “I’ll make you
feel good.”
“Please?” I begged. I didn’t want to do this. I felt like I didn’t have a
choice like Mr. Tony had said it wasn’t a real one. I took a deep breath
knowing he was going to do it anyway. Trying to focus on that, that it wasn’t a
real choice that I was being forced to as he walked up to me and pulled my
shirt off before he roughly forced his tongue in my mouth making me tense.

I’m not choosing this. I kept thinking as his hands started wandering rubbing
my back and shoulders, stopping on the small of my back as his tongue left my
mouth and started kissing down my throat towards my chest. I’m not choosing
this. I kept thinking over and over as he pulled at my pants the snaps
releasing as he pulled them off of me and started pulling me down to the floor.
I’m not choosing this. I thought as his kisses trailed down my torso and he
took me in his mouth trying to take deep breaths trying to breathe trying to
stay calm and not cry or scream.

I closed my eyes trying to allow my brain to drift away, away to something else
and then he lifted my legs up before I climaxed his tongue going into my ass
making me gasp loudly and I felt him laugh against my skin, “Feels good?” he
asked before he started doing it again. Bringing me to climax.

At that I started crying. I knew I was crying and I couldn’t stop myself. I
wasn’t choosing this. I didn’t want this; I didn’t want my body to feel like
this. I didn’t want him to know my body liked this.

I was tired and I hated myself and I wanted to scream and plead with him and I
knew I couldn’t. That I wasn’t allowed to. That I was stuck here in this padded
cell of a room with him touching me his tongue on me making me squirm making me
feel like I couldn’t breathe and yet none of it mattered. My feelings, what I
wanted didn’t matter.

I hated the realization. That I was supposed to suck it up and let it happen
just lay there allow my body to feel that way. Just like with Da, with Leo and
with Neal because I knew he was going to do the same thing. I hated not being a
person and being a thing. Being a toy to them, all of them. Everyone single
fucking one of them who had ever seen me in one of those videos or pictures on
that website. I wasn’t a person, I was an object.

I don’t remember him using a condom but he probably did because when he was
ready it didn’t hurt. He gave my body time to adjust to his intrusion he was
slow my body responding the way he wanted it to. Another piece of my soul dying
as my eyes fluttered and I tried to keep my moans and whimpers to myself and
sometimes failed. I felt done. I was just done.

When he was finished, he didn’t say anything. He got up and put his clothes on
and left me there in the dark naked staring at the ceiling. Staring at a poster
that looked like the sky as the sun outside began to set through the tiny
window that was too high for me to see out of. It looked like there was a bird
on it but I couldn’t read what it said.

He just left me there. After 15 or 20 minutes, I managed to put my clothes on.
Not worried about showering or splashing water on my face because I too tired
and too wholly broken to care. I curled myself into a ball and went to sleep.
Not really worried about the last group of the day or going to bed figuring
they would keep me there so Neal could come by later, so he could use me like
they all used me.

I fell asleep and was woken up at some point later. Hannah, the girls orderly
waking me up, “Come on its bed time,” she said, “you ok?” She asked me the room
dark as I stood up slowly making sure my pants were done up.

“Yeah,” I answered simply not wanting to talk. Knowing it wasn’t worth it, that
it didn’t matter.

“Ok, go to your room, unless of course you want to shower then you can shower
in here,” she said pointing to the bathroom behind me in the corner casually.

“No, I’m all right I’m just tired,” I sighed as she moved allowing me to leave
the room.

“You can’t swear here. I don’t know what you’re used to at home but here that
language isn’t allowed you understand, right?” She asked me.

“Yeah, I’m sorry I’ll try to make sure it doesn’t happen again,” I answered as
I walked into the hallway.

“Are you sure you’re ok? You look really tired and upset,” she questioned me.

“Yeah, just need more sleep I guess,” I answered as she opened the door
allowing me back onto the boy’s side of the unit and I walked down the hall by
myself to my room where Dom already was.

When he heard me come in he looked up from where he was sitting on his bed,
“Sam?” He asked me looking at me closely making me feel almost like I was being
attacked. Like he was waiting for an answer that I didn’t want to give.

“Could we just not?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

“You think you’re going to be out of here in time for school to start?” Dom
asked me looking for another subject.

“I don’t know,” I answered, “I don’t know if I’m looking forward to going back
to school.”

“Really? You’re not supposed to see him outside of school at school might be
the only time you get to spend any time with him,” Dom said, “He told me to
keep an eye on you, you know that? He really loves you. Like I’ve never seen
him care about anyone this much not since his little brother. Charlie. I knew
Charlie you know?”

“No, I didn’t know. What was he like?” I asked.

“I don’t know he was a kid, he liked Pokémon cards. Hot wheels. He used to
spend just hours bugging us to play with his hot wheels and those tracks for
them you know? He was a happy kid despite everything like when it wasn’t
happening it didn’t exist, it wasn’t a problem. Pat’s always been darker, more
aware but he tried so hard to hold it back for Charlie. So, he could allow
Charlie to pretend things were ok. I don’t know, it wasn’t until Charlie was
like 6 a couple months before he died maybe that Hank…” Dom said, “He was a
happy kid though.”

“That’s good, it’s good for someone to be happy. Jay was before…before
Christmas since then he’s been quieter, less sparkle in his eyes,” I answered,
“I don’t ever remember being happy I just… It was what it was you know? Even
before they started really just… things I remember them saying. How I was
beautiful, before I came here. That night he told me he loved me that he wished
he had someone like me when he was younger.”

“You mean love you like romantically?” Dom asked me paying close attention to
me.

“Yeah,” I answered, “I can’t even imagine wanting to be with him like that.
He’s my Da I can’t…it doesn’t make sense to me.”

“He’s sick John. He doesn’t see it that way. He doesn’t see you as his son he
sees you as something else. Like my pop only it’s different there because we’re
not blood related. I was just a kid he adopted. So, he could use me.
I think they both just as sick though. They shouldn’t feel that way about us.
That’s why they blame us for it because they know. Him telling you you’re
beautiful and honestly you are very good looking but…” Dom smiled and laughed a
little under his breath, “You’re taken and I wouldn’t even anyway unless you
approached me which would probably never happen. It’s his way of blaming you of
making you feel like it’s your fault. It’s not your fault it’s theirs.”

“Why does everyone find me attractive?” I asked, “I didn’t do anything I was
just …born this way.”

“It’s something about you John. Your soul. You care about everyone you know so
completely that it consumes you. It drives you forward. Your eyes, I can see
when you’re thinking about him. It’s like this fire behind them this passion
and it’s very…” Dom cleared his throat, “Sorry. I think a lot of it is in your
eyes though.”

“I don’t want this,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to be a thing. I
want to be a person. I don’t want to feel trapped.”

“Does Pat make you feel trapped?” Dom asked me.

“No, not at all he makes me feel like I can actually breathe, like I’ll be ok.
Being without him feels like being without air. Like in Montana, I know I was
with someone else; with Heather but it was only because I couldn’t have him.
Something about her reminded me of him. I missed him so much and knowing he was
stuck here while I was getting help, while I was free. I broke just thinking of
him,” I answered.

“You’re not going to be able to see him outside of school,” Dom repeated again.

“I know. My Da has basically told me that much. I feel like he doesn’t want us
near each other because… He doesn’t want to share me with someone I might
actually have feelings for.”

“Yeah, he wants you to be his,” Dom said.

“I knew someone once. They moved away but anyway, my Pop wasn’t… he didn’t like
them. His name was Max. I was 9 I think. He gave me butterflies. We never you
know but…he made me feel alive like I wasn’t some toy, like my feelings
actually mattered. My Pop didn’t like that. My Pop wants me to be in love with
him and I know that I just…like you said with your Da. I just can’t.” Dom said,
“We should go to bed.”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “He, Sam I mean he…”

Dom nodded his head, “I know. It’s not your fault. And if you didn’t try to
stop him that’s not your fault either, it’s better that way. Here they won’t
fight with you they’ll go get someone else to help restrain you, or they’ll
drug you so don’t feel guilty about the fact that you just let it happen
because you, just think of it like being with him ok? Remember that you don’t
want it and it’s not your fault.”

“I hate that they know exactly how to…” Dom cut me off.

“I know me too, they do it to me too,” Dom said, “You know I know how bad that
feels? That’s why we hardly ever talk about it other than my “bad nights” you
know that’s code for he, Pop he did things to me and then he made me stay with
him. Sometimes both him and Dad. You know that’s what that means. Don’t think I
don’t know how bad it hurts why do you think I’m here?”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I know. Sometimes I wish they were violent.
That they hurt like punched or slapped or whipped or broke a bone anything but
they don’t they just…they make sure they don’t. It seems like all of them are
becoming like that and now my skin won’t stop crawling knowing that’s what they
want that they want to make me…” I trailed off

“Get off? Yeah, it’s enough to make anyone hate themselves. To make it so they
know they don’t matter, that what they want doesn’t matter and that they have
no right and no say in anything. Not even their own body. I fucking hate it, it
makes me want to scream and boil my skin off,” Dom said.

“It does,” I agreed, “I…don’t know what to do about it. Some part of me thinks
that if I relax into. Kind of it just let it happen it will get better but, it
never does it always feels like they’re killing me a piece at a time.”

“Yeah,” Dom agree, “I don’t think it ever gets easier and that maybe the moment
it does is the moment we should worry. Can I ask you something?”

“What about?” I asked confused as to what he was thinking.

“Well, Sam told me some stuff on the way back up from lunch he said that you
were going to be thrilled with your doctor so I’m assuming it’s someone you
know and he was being an asshole pretty much because that just sums up his
personality do you know any of the doctors here?” Dom asked me.

“Only psych I’ve ever been to here was Larkin I think her first name was Susan
she was nuts,” I answered, “Why?”

“Well, maybe that was it then because there are only three doctors two are
named Larkin actually she’s one of them and the other is Greg and the third
Doctor is named Schwartzman, I think their first name is Leonardo or something
like that.”

I felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice on my head. I wasn’t sure it was
him but it would make sense, why he was only really around in the evenings
after 6 why he was always dressed nice and not wearing Jeans and t-shirt. Why
he owned such a nice car. It couldn’t be. No, that wasn’t fair. Why did god
hate me so much?

“John?” Dom questioned in the dark, “John are you ok?”

“I think I know him,” I said barely above a whisper as I felt my lungs reject
the air around me as my heart started to race, “He’s the reason I’m here
because I can’t…No this can’t be real I can’t do this, I can’t do this I
can’t…”

Dom hurried to my side sitting on the foot of my bed, “John you have to calm
down, they come in here they will put you in isolation again and they will
tranq you and it won’t be pleasant. You need to try and breathe ok? Count to
four while you inhale slow and then do the same while you exhale like this…”
and Dom started breathing slow. I copied him and it felt like the air around me
had freed up, like it was no longer so thick and toxic and my body was no
longer rejecting it.

I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths like that until I felt like I
was ok, like I could speak, “I’m contracted to him.” I managed to say before I
had to start breathing like that again nice and slow to keep myself calm.

“Oh no,” Dom said, “Geeze are you going to be ok?”

I just shook my head still working on my breathing. I didn’t know what to say
but, I knew this wasn’t ok. The thought of that SUV sending flashes of panic
through my skull remembering what he did, the things he had said. How he had
been so soft yet rough all at once. How he had allowed me to scream and plead
and basically laughed as I did so. How he had told me if I fought back I would
be very very sorry and how I had believed him, every word and still did.

“Doctor visits are only like 20 minutes that’s not a lot of time to do things
to you. Maybe you’ll be ok?” Dom said hopefully grabbing my hand and allowing
me to squeeze his back to try and draw some comfort and reassurance from him.
Dealing with Leo was not something I wanted. Especially not here. The reason
why I was here in the first place was to get away from him, to try and find
some room to breathe and here I was knowing that he was my doctor that he was
going to see me and probably find a way to use me.

“Neal make any threats?” He asked me suddenly.

“He got me alone during art therapy remember?” I asked him and he watched me
closely his eyes studying my face to see if he could see something there,
something to tell him what had happened making me sigh heavily.

“Usually, it’s in the morning you have to worry about him. Shower times if he’s
interested in you. He doesn’t like to fight however he’s…” Dom took a deep
breath, “rough I’m personally thankful for that but he got kind of tired of me
last time I was here so I haven’t had any problems with him this time. Sam is
into just about anyone that walks through the door though.”

“He was but he said…” I shook my head not wanting to talk about it anymore the
way our Da’s treated us. How we were supposed to like it. How we were supposed
to accept it because it didn’t “hurt” in the conventional sense.

“That’s what your limp was?” Dom asked me and I nodded my head, “I’m sorry.
Really I am.”

“Well, Pat did warn me that their goal was to try and make sure you never tried
to kill yourself again and let me tell you it’s working,” I said looking at
Dom, “I think we should try to sleep now.”

“Yeah,” Dom said, “Tomorrow is Tuesday so you’ll meet Levi and Gavin. They
aren’t so bad they are more into self-fulfillment so it’s not too bad they
just…Yeah anyway.”

“How many of them are there?” I asked.

“Out of most of the staff usually the only woman that works our side is Linda
and she’s nice she’s a good person. Levi, Gavin, Sam and Neal are all
brotherhood Tony is kind of I still don’t have him figured out, he’ll be here
tomorrow afternoon. Tony usually works week days in the afternoon from like
noon to 9pm when we go to sleep. Sam usually only works weekends or late shift
from like 11pm to I think like 9 or so. Weekends he’s around from like 8am to
1am. Neal works from like 4pm to 4am three times a week. I don’t know who is
working tomorrow besides Tony and like I said I’m pretty sure it’s Levi and
Gavin but we’re a little old for their taste so we should be all right tomorrow
expect for…” Dom trailed off and I could feel him frowning in the darkness.

“What? Me Troy and Burgess?” I asked him already figuring the types these two
probably went after. Burgess because he was young and weak and Troy because he
was young and quiet. And me because I was me. I was just a fun toy to mess with
and I knew it. I knew that’s what they saw me. I also knew Leo was going to be
there and there was no way in hell Leo wasn’t going to hurt me. There had never
been any point where I had seen Leo and he hadn’t at least tried to molest me.
The movie theater being the only time he had not really had any success in
getting his hands on me and that was the one time I had just barely escaped
him.

“Yeah,” Dom said, “You should really try to get some sleep. If you hear
anything by the way just don’t open your eyes. They are probably just doing
checks and if well…I have a lot of nightmares so just don’t worry about it.”

“I do too, when I do sleep. I don’t know. I’ll be quiet but I don’t think I’m
going to be able to sleep that well tonight just to let you know,” I answered,
“Goodnight.”

“Night,” Dom said getting up and walking back over to his bed leaving me
sitting there on mine. I laid down waiting, hoping I would fall asleep if I
just simply closed my eyes and allowed myself to try and relax but I couldn’t.

After about an hour I ended up pacing the floor a little going to the bathroom
and getting a drink. I laid back down for 20 more minutes until I couldn’t
stand the thoughts dancing behind my own eye lids and ended up going to the
window and looking outside. It looked peaceful out there, woods beyond a small
field the whole thing just out of reach. I could imagine the way the heat felt
looking out there, sticky and hot so different from the air conditioning we
were stuck in, a small light from outside giving just a tiny bit of
illumination. I didn’t hear him come in.

“You look like an angel standing there,” he whispered making me freeze, “You’re
supposed to be sleeping.”

I knew it was Neal. I didn’t want him there. I didn’t want to move to let him
know I was real, that I was awake and aware of his presence. That he had
intruded on a moment that was just meant to be mine, wishing I could feel the
heat outside, run through the trees and to someplace better, someplace where I
wasn’t me. Where I wasn’t what I was.

“I couldn’t. Sleep I mean,” I answered not turning to look at him the hairs on
the back of my neck standing up and goose bumps forming on my skin as my body
alerted me that he was coming closer that I was like a deer being stalked by a
coyote, cornered with no way to escape.

“You’re ok,” he said as I felt him press up against my back. As he kissed the
back of my neck making me shiver.

“Are you going to…?” I asked him afraid of his answer.

“No,” he whispered into my ear trying to be as quiet as possible, “I’m going to
make you love to you little angel,” he said grabbing the back of my shirt and
forcing it up over my head.

I didn’t want this. But I felt so dead tired. At that point it just didn’t
matter. Not with Leo being there tomorrow everything I had tried to escape
getting rubbed in my face.

I nodded my head as he brushed my hair back behind my ear and started kissing
my neck and biting at my ear lobe. As I closed my eyes I braced myself against
the window sill knowing he would move us in a minute. That soon my pants would
be on the floor and he would be in my little bed with me, him on top of me
moving inside of me. I didn’t want that but I already felt like it was useless
to fight it. Useless to care.

He wrapped his hands around my waist coming to the front of my pants and
pulling them open his hands sliding down my pubic bone touching me as I gasped
in surprise. When my Da was gentle he wasn’t gentle like this, this was almost
worse. I felt myself starting to cry knowing that there was nothing I could do
to stop him.

“You’re ok,” he repeated into my skin over and over as he kissed my neck and my
shoulders. His right hand gripping me starting to stroke as his other hand
wandered my chest and stomach in a slow up and down motion, “Just enjoy it.”

I was shaking. I wanted him to stop touching me. His hands making me feel
dirty. I started silently praying that something would interrupt us as he moved
pulling me backwards with him away from the window, away from the little piece
of hope I had felt for just a few minutes. He turned me in his arms so I was
facing him, naked and shaking his kisses trailing along my jaw bone and neck
line working their way down my torso making me whimper.

“No, no you have to be quiet Angel. We wouldn’t want to wake anyone up now,
would we?” He breathed into my hip right above my brand as he ran a hand over
the scar, “God, why do you have to be so beautiful?”

He kissed a line to my shaft and then slid his tongue down it licking me. I
whimpered again. I didn’t want it to feel like it did. I didn’t want his hands
on my skin. I didn’t want anyone touching me like this but Pat. I wanted him to
stop. I wanted his tongue off of me, I wanted to breathe. I wanted freedom. I
didn’t want this.

“Shhh Angel you have to be quiet,” he said again before taking me into his
mouth.

“No, please please don’t, please stop, no,” I begged barely above a whisper and
then he froze and I heard it too movement out in the hallway.

“Neal?” I heard a quiet hiss.

“Shit, I’ll see you in the morning,” Neal said getting up and walking out,
adjusting his pants in the front. Leaving me gasping and thanking whatever god
was up there. As I got up and grabbed my clothes and went into the bathroom to
put them back on. I sat there trying to calm down. Trying to tell myself that I
was ok even though I wasn’t.

After a minute, I heard a light knock on the door, “John?” It was Dom. I sighed
with relief.

“Leave, please just go back to sleep,” I managed to stammer.

“Come on, your ok right, did he?” Dom said.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said thinking of how my body had nearly
reacted how I had almost allowed myself to melt into his touch, to do that to
me. Allowed myself to enjoy it almost when I thought of how badly I wanted it
to be Pat.

“John, you know it’s ok, right? That it’s not your fault?” He said from the
other side of the door.

“I know I just…I don’t want them. I want him,” I said putting my pants on and
doing them up before I opened the door, “I want him, Dom.” I said trying to
swallow back my tears.

“I know,” Dom said hugging me tightly and then letting me go quickly, “I know
you do. Why do you think I put you on the phone with him? I know how much he
means to you. How much you need him. I understand how badly it hurts believe it
or not. I know he’s the only person in the world you need right now and you
can’t be with him. And I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks, I huh, feel like I should try to sleep,” I said, “And no he didn’t, he
was going to but someone called for him out in the hallway so he left.”

“Thank god, I heard you whimper I figured he was…, I’m sorry I just didn’t want
to open my eyes and have to see that.” Dom said to me.

“Yeah, no I got it, trust me I understand not wanting to see that,” I answered,
“You think I’ll be able to sleep?” I asked him.

“I’m not sure I can sleep now that was…yeah no,” Dom said shaking his head.

“Maybe if we just lay here quietly?” I asked thinking about the perpetual state
of exhaustion I already felt I was in. Thinking about how I wished my fear and
anxiety would just allow me to sleep.

“We can try if they catch us talking they’ll put us in isolation at least one
of us and that’s somewhere that wouldn’t be very safe for you,” Dom said.

“Yeah, I remember, you know, earlier.” I said reminding him of group how I was
pulled out for swearing.

“Yeah don’t stand up for anyone like that again. You aren’t doing yourself any
favors when you do stuff like that here. They talk to your parents, your
handler and they find out how to get to you,” Dom said.

“Yeah that’s basically what he told me when he…Sam took me in the back. That he
talked to my Da and Da gave him some.,” I sighed, “I don’t want to talk about
this anymore. I’m just tired. Maybe we should really sleep.”

“Yeah,” Dom agreed, “Goodnight.”

“Night,” I answered. We walked to our beds and both climbed in. I closed my
eyes hoping that I would be asleep before Neal came back before he had a chance
to try again.
***** 13 *****
Chapter Summary
     John is dealing with his feelings and he learns how some people think
     the differences between the ranks or levels in the brotherhood work
     and what the real difference is. He learns more about Tony and gets
     to vent about how horrible he feels about being away from Pat. Josh
     does something surprising that John is not expecting.
Chapter Notes
     page 223 to 247. Warnings: Rape/non-con, swearing, delinquent
     behavior (talk of underage drug use, a little bit of verbal fighting)
     anxiety, talk of suicide attempt, mental health issues. John actually
     truly admits he probably has an eating disorder to himself/ you guys
     but still a pretty big deal. I actually had a lot of fun going over
     this chapter for some reason and it really shows some solidarity
     between all of the bottoms or most of them anyway regardless of rank.
     This is where in John's story you start learning a little bit more
     about the system and how it works. Oh yes when Dom says Chertov
     Christi that is Fucking Christ is Russian because he thinks the whole
     thing is just stupid and pointless.
I did fall asleep I know I did but when I was woken up it was still dark out
someone shinning a flash light in my face, “Come on Angel vitals,” Neal said
pulling my covers off of me.

“Vitals what are vitals?” I asked confused rubbing my eyes

“Temperature, blood pressure, questions about your physical health,” Neal
answered, “You’ll be fine.” He said coming up to my bed and sitting down
pushing me back into the pillows.

Where I hadn’t been fully awake before I was now. My heart picking up speed as
he weighed me down. He wasn’t really going to do this, now was he? While people
were waking up?

I clenched my eyes shut willing him to get off of me. At this point I was too
broken to say no, to cry. Too tired to struggle. I sighed as he licked my lips.

“The sooner we get your vitals done the sooner I can have some fun,” He said as
he allowed me to get up.

I knew what he meant. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. I sighed
looking up at him and then stood up as he allowed me room to get off the bed
before he came forward again so he was right up against me like a cat trying to
rub itself on me.
“Will you moan for me angel?” He muttered as he backed away, “Follow me.” He
said louder.

I followed him out into the foyer where I was directed to sit in a chair next
to the desk, “Ok I’ll start by asking you questions and then I’ll take your
temperature and stuff and then we’ll go to the shower room where you’ll shower
and then goals group.

“Do you have a bowel movement yesterday?” He asked me.

“You mean did I crap? Why are you asking me that? Did you?” I asked.

“Very funny once we get you on medication you can get backed up, so I have to
ask,” Neal said, “So did you, or didn’t you?”

“Yes, yesterday morning before I got here,” I answered honestly.

“Do you feel light headed? Dizzy any of that?” He asked me.

“No,” I answered.

“Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself?” He asked me.

Of course, I felt like hurting myself. I knew what he was going to do to me.
Who wouldn’t feel like hurting themselves knowing their body was about to
betray them? I glared at him. Why the fuck would he ask me that?

“Why do you care? You’re going to hurt me so why should it matter if I want to
hurt myself?” I asked him.

He glared at me and put his clipboard down, “Listen to me very very carefully
Johnny Angel ok? I’m not hurting you, I could if you really want me to but I
figure that’s going to cause me more trouble than it’s worth you understand?
I’m just teaching you a lesson. Now do you feel like hurting yourself?” He
asked me again.

“Yeah,” I answered truthfully.

“Ok,” He picked up his clipboard and wrote something down, “Why?”

“Why do you think?” I asked him swallowing the lump in my throat.

“Ok,” He wrote something else on the clip board, “You want to kill yourself?”

“No,” I answered.

“Ok, did you sleep ok?” He asked me.

“No, I’m actually super tired,” I answered.

“Ok,” He said setting down the clip board and rolling a cart over and sticking
what looked like a fat needle into a box and then pushing a button, “Put this
under your tongue and don’t talk,” He said handing it to me.

I did as I was told and he took my arm and wrapped what looked like a cloth
bandage around it and pushed a button. It squeezed my arm and took my blood
pressure as the thing under my tongue beeped. He then pulled the thing out of
my mouth and looked at it writing something down on his clip board.

“You’re blood pressure is a little high,” he commented picking up the clip
board and writing something down, “You a little nervous?” He asked me.

“Wouldn’t you be?” I asked, “I know who my doctor is. He’s the reason I’m here
in the first place. Wouldn’t knowing that make you nervous?” I asked him.

“How is your arm doing?” He asked me as I looked at the gauze around my wrist.

“It’s fine,” I answered.

“Ok, let’s go have you take a shower, just let me get you a fresh uniform,” he
answered going behind the counter and grabbing something from behind the desk,
“I have to be in there with you because you’re still on watch.”

He handed me a pile with a new uniform and towel and a wash cloth. I sighed.
So, this is what Dom had meant about being careful about showers. I didn’t want
this. I knew what was going to happen the moment he got me alone in there how
he was going to tell me to just relax to be calm. How he was going to whisper
things in my ear meant to chill me out and instead was going to make me want to
cry and scream. How I knew I was going to get hard when he touched me how he
was going to enjoy it and I was going to hate it. I stood up and walked into
the bathroom.

He locked the door behind us the click echoing through the shower room. So,
this was it? This was where he raped me. That was all I could think.

“You’re all right I promise. I won’t hurt you,” he said pulling his shirt up
over his head as he looked at me going and turning on the shower head the room
starting to fill with hot steam.

“Do I really have to?” I asked hugging myself.

“Yes angel, you might even like it, or is that what you’re so afraid of?” He
asked me taking his pants and underwear off in one swoop allowing me to look at
him. God, I didn’t want that thing anywhere near me. He had to have been bigger
than normal. The thought making me nervous, “Oh,” He smiled noticing me
looking, “I’ll go slow don’t worry.”

I shook my head feeling light headed and nauseas all of the sudden. This wasn’t
good. There was nothing I could do to get out of this I had no power here. He
didn’t care about my feelings, my wellbeing. He just wanted to get off and he
wanted to use me to do it.

“Come here Angel,” He said taking a step towards me.

“I really don’t…,” He cut off my words.

“Just relax,” He said as I felt myself starting to shake as he put a hand on my
shoulder.

“God you’re so beautiful you really are an angel huh?” He said as he pulled at
the hem of my shirt.

“Please, please don’t. I don’t want to please,” I whimpered and I could myself
fighting back the tears that wanted to escape.

“I know, you’ll be ok though,” he said as he managed to get my shirt off me,
and he looked at me, “Just think of it as a lesson ok? I brought lube, it won’t
hurt I’ll make sure. I want you to feel good ok Angel?” He said touching my
cheek as I pushed his hand away.

“I don’t want to,” I said again.

“Oh Angel, come on baby I won’t hurt you, I swear. Just don’t struggle, let it
happen,” he said undoing the snaps on my pants as I stood there frozen and they
fell to the floor leaving us both naked. Me still shivering, “You really are
beautiful, look at you.”

He hugged me pulling me into his chest as I fought to push him off me, to put
some distance between his skin and mine. I didn’t want this, I shook my head
trying to pull away as he pulled me into the running water under the shower
cooing to me trying to get me to calm down to allow him to touch me without
fighting.

“Just relax angel ok, I’m not going to hurt I promise,” he said pushing me hard
up against the wall on one side as he leaned down and started kissing me. I bit
my teeth together locking my jaw not allowing him to stick his tongue in my
mouth. I didn’t want this. I wasn’t going to let him kiss me. He somehow forced
me to turn around leaning me forward against the wall as he forced my legs
apart. I knew that he was doing and I went to scream as he put his hand over my
mouth.

“You scream I’m going to have to sedate you, you understand? You need to calm
down,” he said as I grabbed at his wrist trying to remove his hand from my
mouth which he squeezed tighter, “I said understand?” He hissed and I sighed
and nodded my head.
He kept his hand in place over my mouth as I felt his other hand probing,
exploring. It made my eyes go wide as he fingered me before his finger was
quickly replaced with something bigger pressing against my hole trying to
breech my body. I screamed into his hand covering my mouth the burn spreading
through my body incredible almost enough to make me faint. It hurts so bad.
Feeling almost like it had when it was both my Da and Lord at the same time.

“No, no, you’re all right I know it’s big angel but just relax, you relax it
won’t hurt I swear to you, ok? Come on baby, you feel so good and I can make
you feel good too you just have to relax ok? I swear,” he cooed into my ear as
he leaned over me his one hand still clamped over my mouth his other running
through my hair trying to calm me down trying to get me to accept what he was
doing. As my whole body shook because I was trying to with stand the pain. Once
he got me to settle down he moved his hand from my mouth.

“Ok. Now I just need you stay calm. Don’t move and it won’t hurt, I promise.
Trust me I’ve learned a thing or two about how people react to me and the
stiller you are the less this will hurt until you get used to me so please
Angel I’m begging you don’t move,” he said as he started to pull out slowly and
I felt something cold and wet hit my back which I assumed was more lube. Him
pulling out before he slowly started pushing back in making me whimper.

It hurt. The whole thing hurt. However, him sliding back in hurt less than him
sliding out. Until it got to the very end where he thrusted hard making me gasp
and my eyes go wide when he hit against that spot inside me somehow. I hated
that they all knew how to hit that fucking spot somehow that it was almost like
they tried to find it, made sure they hit it. My breathing hitched a little as
I tried to stay calm, to not make any sounds of protest and stay very still.

“That’s it Angel, that’s it good boy,” he said as he pulled out again this time
a little faster than before the rhythm feeling smoother as he worked running a
hand through my hair trying to keep me calm almost like he was petting a horse.
He kept going, he made sure he bumped against my prostate until we were both
gasping, both struggling to breathe as we both got closer to coming. When I was
on the edge he reached around underneath me grabbing me and started to give me
a hand job to help me finish. He made sure we climaxed together, I felt him cum
inside me as I came all over his hand, both of us breathless. He helped me sit
down on the bench built into the one wall of the shower.

“That was fucking amazing, you’re so tight,” he commented as he got on his
knees kissing the inside of one of my thighs making me jump.

“NO! no no don’t do that, please please don’t do, please,” I begged my whole
body still shaking from the exhaustion of already having climaxed once, my skin
buzzing with the feeling of his skin against mine the feeling of his cum still
inside me as I sat down on my very tender butt.

“Shhh… it’s ok. You’re ok. I know that was hard but this will feel good I
promise this won’t hurt even a little,” he said kissing the inside of my thigh
again and I resigned myself to the fact I was trapped there that he was going
to do it whether I wanted him to or not.

The tingle started the moment his tongue went up against the skin in my most
intimate parts. Me grabbing onto a towel bar to keep from screaming out my
whole body shaking. I didn’t want him to do that. I didn’t want him to be able
to make me feel that way the pressure building under my skin again as I could
no longer hold back making sound and a noise somewhere between a hum and a moan
escaped my lips as his mouth pulled me closer to orgasm.

I didn’t want this, I didn’t want his mouth on my skin especially there. I
didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want any of them touching me. I just
wanted to be left alone.

I didn’t want to be a sex toy anymore. I wanted this to be over and I wanted
them all to stop and I knew it wouldn’t. That after I gave him whatever he
wanted he would take it again and again and again as many times as he liked
just as everyone else would. The feeling got too intense, the pressure causing
my eyes to roll as I felt his tongue do something weird causing me to reach my
peak, causing me to lose my ability to breathe as he made me climax and he
sucked it away, sucked me clean.

“You really are sweet, aren’t you?” He asked wiping his chin off on my thigh
kissing there again, “You have any more for me?” he asked brushing a hand
across my knee making me jump on reflex as he sighed looking at me, “No? Ok
later maybe? Get up shower off just don’t take too long. After that you can go
back to bed for a little while until breakfast. I’ll let you skip goals group,
ok Angel? Think of it as a reward for being so good.” He said patting my knee
before he used my leg to support his weigh so he could pull himself up and got
out of the shower shutting the curtain behind him.

It took me a minute or two to move. My whole body shaking so hard I felt like I
was going to fall over the moment I stood causing me to sit back down as I
looked at the soap dispenser built into the wall. I pumped some into my hand
from where I was sitting and started washing myself my hands still shaking. I
couldn’t get myself to stop shaking. I felt used and dirty no matter how much
soap I tried, no matter how hard I scrubbed or how hot the water was.

He was right, he hadn’t hurt me on purpose and it had felt good at least in
part and I hated myself because of that. Because it always felt good it always
made my eyes roll. It always made me struggle not to moan as the tingles and
pressure took over my body.

I always hated it. I always hated that they do to that me without my permission
and that it didn’t matter what I thought about while it was happening. I could
never stop it from feeling the way it did. When I thought I was clean I opened
the shower curtain to find him sitting outside the shower in a chair looking in
my direction and he sighed heavily and smiled to himself when I grabbed the
towel off the hook. I dried myself and I could see what he was thinking in his
face what they all thought “I’ve had that, I like that that’s an amazing
piece”. I pulled on my new uniform as he stood up.

“NO!” I said shaking my head as he wrapped his arms around me hugging me
pulling my face into his chest.

“It’s ok, you’re ok Angel, you’re beautiful I just wanted to let you know how
good you are ok? I’m not going to hurt you I promise. I’ll never hurt you,” he
said running a hand through my wet hair swaying gently from side to side as he
held me and my whole body shook. He kissed my forehead and sighed into my skin,
“Go lay down for a little bit longer ok?”

I sighed forcing myself to nod my head when he let me go before I raced down
the hallway away from the foyer and day room back to the bedroom I shared with
Dom. I then pulled the covers up over my head wrapping myself tightly in them
as I bit into my pillow starting to sob. I didn’t know how I was ever going to
get the feeling of him off of my skin. Of him or Da or Leo or any of them off
my skin and I just wanted someone safe, someone I knew wasn’t going to hurt me
anymore.

I wanted him to tell me it was ok. Wanted to hear him say that I was going to
be ok and that I could do this. That I would be fine and we’d be together and
that he loved me and he’d make me not hate myself anymore. That no matter what
he’d teach me how to be ok in my skin. I knew that wasn’t possible though. That
I couldn’t have him with me. It hurt. I fell asleep thinking about how much I
missed him.

I felt someone touch my shoulder and jerked away, “DON” T TOUCH ME!” I screamed
loudly before I realized how loud my voice was.

“Ok, I’m sorry I won’t touch you. It’s me ok? It’s Dom,” Dom said quietly
trying to calm me down, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine just go,” I said my whole body still shaking.

“Did Neal hurt you?” Dom asked quietly as I wrapped my blankets ever tighter
around me pulling them over my head.

“No, no I’m fine just p-p-please go,” I answered.

“John, it’s ok,” Dom said quietly.

“No, no it’s not ok. This is not ok, I am not ok,” I gasped trying to steady my
voice as I started crying, “I need him and he’s not here and he can’t be here
and that’s not ok. The way they make me feel is not ok. None of this is ok why
can’t they just give me one thing, that’s all I want is one thing and they
can’t even give me that.”

“I know you need him. I’m sorry,” Dom said, “I can’t get him here but I can
call him later and let you talk to him ok? Is there anything else I can do?”

“Just go and let me rip my skin off,” I answered.

“John, I can’t let you do that, you can’t do that ok? Don’t say that if you say
that I have to tell someone,” Dom begged me.

“Ok, just leave me here then. I’ll stay here,” I answered, “I won’t hurt myself
I’ll just stay here.”

“Ok, you stay here I’ll come get you for breakfast, alright?” Dom said.

“No, no breakfast I’ll just stay here,” I said taking a breath trying to quiet
myself. Trying to stop crying, “I just want to stay here.”

“Ok, I’ll let you rest then. If you want to talk come find me ok?” Dom said and
I nodded my head even though I wasn’t sure he could see it and I heard him
sigh, “Ok feel better.” He answered and I heard his footsteps quietly recede.

I know I didn’t go to sleep but I closed my eyes and thought of him, of me
burying my head into his chest as he held me. How he had done that so many
times before. I needed to feel him and I couldn’t. All I had were thoughts,
thoughts that made me cry harder because he couldn’t be with me and might not
ever be with me again. After a while I heard someone moving around.

“John? I’m nurse Pam, I need to check your arm see how it’s healing and then
rebandage it ok?” The person said their weight shifting as they sat down beside
me.

“Don’t touch me!” I jerked my arm away as they went to reach for it.

She sighed softly talking quietly, “John Honey, I have to ok? I have make sure
it’s healing all right and put antibiotics on it. I need to touch you in order
to do that.”

“Don’t touch me,” I repeated again curling into the fetal position trying to
protect myself from her.

“Honey, does someone touch you without permission at home?” She asked me.

I didn’t answer. How was I supposed to answer that? Was I supposed to say yes?
Was I supposed to spill everything to her when it wouldn’t really do me any
good? I didn’t want to talk to her about how my body wasn’t mine, how it
belonged to them.

“Honey, I need to look at your arm,” Nurse Pam said again.

“No, it doesn’t matter,” I said quietly, “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter.”

“Why do you think it doesn’t matter?” She asked me quietly.

“Because I’m not human,” I said.

“What do you mean you’re not human if you’re not human what do you think you
are?” She asked me sounding worried.

“I’m a toy,” I answered.
“What do you mean you’re a toy?” She questioned.

“I’m not human they don’t see me as human. I’m theirs to do whatever they want
to, to play with, to touch whenever they want to and I just want to be human I
don’t want to be a toy anymore. I want to be human, I don’t want be theirs,” I
said starting to cry again.

“Ok, ok I can understand that. No one likes to be treated like that. No one
likes to feel like they aren’t human,” Nurse Pam said, “When you mean touch and
play with what do you mean?”

“No,” I said shaking my head vigorously. Meaning I wasn’t going to talk about
it anymore. That I didn’t want to put her in danger and I didn’t think she
needed to hear about it.

“Ok that’s fine but, I still need to see your arm. That way I can check on it
and make sure it’s ok, can I touch you? Just your arm?” She asked me.

I sighed heavily. I really didn’t want to be touched because I could still feel
Neal’s tongue on my skin. Still feel it …down there. The feeling of his hands
on my waist and head on my forearms.

I didn’t want to feel anything else. I didn’t want anyone else on my skin but
Pat and I couldn’t have him. No matter how desperately I wanted him. How badly
I needed him to make it better, I couldn’t have him.

“I can’t,” I answered her.

“Honey, I need to. If you can’t have me touch you I need to go get someone to
sedate you. I don’t want to have to do that to you because from what you’ve
told me that isn’t going to go well so if you could please just sit up so I can
see your arm and do my job it would really be helpful,” she said quietly.

I sat up unwrapping myself from my blankets slowly. I pulled my arm out and
showed it to her. She touched it the feeling of her fingers on my skin making
me twitch.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” she said quietly and I actually felt assured of
that for once. That she wasn’t going to make me hate myself by touching me. She
undid the gauze taking it away and looked at my stitches then pressed on the
skin there lightly, “does that hurt?”

“No,” I answered quietly shaking my head.

“Ok, today is the last day we’re going to keep it covered I’ll get you a long
sleeved shirt or a sweater to put under your uniform or over it because we
can’t let you run around with it exposed but it has to breathe ok?” she said
taking some antibiotic ointment and rubbing it in with a gloved hand and then
wrapping fresh gauze around it to replace the old wet gauze she had just
removed.

“Ok,” I answered.

“Thank you, for letting me help you,” she said, “I’m going to leave you to lay
back down ok?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired I didn’t mean anything I said,” I told her.

She looked at me closely like she wasn’t sure what to say. Like she knew I had
told her the truth and that this was the lie but that she didn’t want to upset
me, “Ok. If you ever want to talk though I’m here. However, I think even if
it’s not true you should tell your doctor what you told me.”

“NO! NO! I don’t want to see him! I don’t want to see him!” I said as I felt
myself starting to shake, “Please don’t make me see him, please.”

“Well, I can put in a request for your social worker to go with you but, I
can’t keep you from seeing him,” she answered, “I think your social worker is
Liz. I believe she’s here today. Do you want your social worker to go with
you?” She asked me quietly.
“Could she?” I asked knowing I didn’t want to be alone with Leo because I knew
whatever room we were in alone together wasn’t a safe room or car or any other
space.

There had never been any incident where I had run into him where he hadn’t
touched me or at least tried to force himself on me. I knew if he had the
chance he would have me bent over some surface or have his head shoved between
my legs just so he could feel me shiver and shake as I tried not to cry. Just
like any of them would want to do to me.

“I’ll ask for you. Men make you nervous?” She asked me causing me to shift
uncomfortably, “It’s ok it happens to a lot of people. Is it someone at home?”

I wasn’t going to talk about it. I already felt like she was in danger enough
just me telling her what I had told her. It didn’t take a rocket scientist for
someone to figure out what “I’m theirs to do whatever they want to” meant. I
knew she knew but that didn’t mean I had to tell her everything. That I had to
tell her about the videos and the guys and the way it hurt worse when they
didn’t hit me or choke me.

She sighed in response to my silence, “Ok stay here and relax. I’ll have
someone come get you in a while for breakfast.”

This time I fell asleep. I missed breakfast and goals group and Dom stopped in
sometime after goals group was over waking me up. I still felt sick to my
stomach I didn’t want to be touched and I didn’t want to sit in a room with a
bunch of people that I was convinced had been talking about my absence while I
was gone but, I got up anyway.

I got up because I knew that I wasn’t supposed to lay in bed all day. I brushed
my hair that was starting to get long knowing I would need a hair cut in the
next week and half if I was out by then. If not I would still need one before I
started school. I sighed and walked back down the hallway joining the rest of
the group in the day room as some new guy passed out a bunch of papers.

“Hi you’re Johnathan? I’m Gavin,” The guy said handing me a piece of paper that
I read the title of “You, your body and medication”

“Hi,” I said his eyes lingering on me a little longer then I felt comfortable
with.

“Are you ok John?” Ron asked me.

“Yeah, just tired,” I answered.

“I know how that tired feels,” Josh looked at me and then muttered.

“Josh, no,” Dom said shaking his head.

“So, that is what it is?” Josh asked.

“Dudes, leave him alone,” Dillon said.

“Ok guys come on, pull your attention away from John and the gossip going
around please and let’s focus on our discussion. Can someone read the first
part? Tyler?” Gavin said.

“You, your body and medication,” Tyler said, “Should I keep going?” He asked.

“Yeah please just read the first paragraph,” Gavin answered.

“Not everyone takes medication but some people are prescribed medication for
mental health reasons. These medications are very important to take as
important as the medication some diabetics take because it helps your brain get
chemicals it is lacking in pill form. These medications effect everyone
differently and not every medication works the same for every person.” Tyler
read.

“Ok good. Ron, next paragraph,” Gavin said.

“While, each person is prescribed different medications some medications work
the same way one class of these medications are called SSRI’s and these are a
type of anti-depressant. Anti-depressants work to help the body better receive
or produce serotonin in the brain. These medications like many other
medications can have different side effects some of which are physical. They
can cause tremors, dizziness, problems with weight gain or weight loss. While
most of these side effects are temporary they may be uncomfortable,” Ron read
slowly.

“Burgess,” Gavin said.

“Some of the best ways to deal with these side effects are by changing your
diet and making sure you take your medication consistently at the same time
every day. Routine can really help someone cope with having to take medication.
If side effects persist it is important to speak to your doctor,” Burgess read
from the piece of paper.

“Anyone taking medication that they don’t like?” Gavin asked looking at
everyone.

“I once took some coke that didn’t sit well with me,” Eric answered.

“That is not what we are talking about,” Gavin said, “That is a totally
different group I was talking about medication you are prescribed by your
doctor.”

“I was once on Zoloft it gave me horrible tremors,” Eric tried.

“Better, thank you Eric, how did that make you feel?”

“Like crap I couldn’t hold my pencil and anytime I tried to hold anything like,
even just a spoon my hand was just like blah….” He said shaking his hand back
and forth, “I felt like I was trying to learn how to eat again and it was
horrible. I hated it.”

“I’ve been on medication before,” Burgess said, “It sucked. I remember being
really really tired. Like all the time. I’m on Effexor now and when I first
started it I had really weird dreams. I probably still do honestly but I don’t
sleep a lot.”

After a while I tuned out. I didn’t care about medication I wasn’t on any. I
didn’t think the discussion was relevant and thought there were better things
in my life to be doing at the time. One of which would have been laying in bed
trying to pretend I was someone else or dreaming that Pat was with me. That I
didn’t have to be without him. After a while someone cleared their throat and I
noticed the room staring at me.

“You ok John?’ Gavin asked me.

“Sorry,” I answered looking at everyone, “Did you say something?”

“I asked everyone if they were on medication or how they felt about taking
medication,” Gavin said.

“I’m not on medication, no,” I answered, “I never really thought anything about
taking any.”

“You’re not much of a talker, are you?” Gavin asked me to which I looked at him
and shrugged my shoulders.

Of course I wasn’t much of a talker. I felt gross and I had been raped that
morning, I knew I was probably going to raped again that night and I was
supposed to see my doctor at some point which was Leo who I was also pretty
sure was going to rape me. I looked forward to none of these encounters and
knew there was nothing I could do to stop them so why speak? There wasn’t
anything to say and nothing I said mattered anyway.

“You need to participate in group John,” Gavin said looking at me, “Do you have
something on your mind?”

I shook my head. I wanted everyone to quit staring at me. I wanted Gavin to
just leave me alone. I pulled my knees up to my chest in the oversized chair I
was sitting in and hugged them there. I didn’t want everyone watching me and
knowing that everyone was, was nerve wracking.

“We’re not judging you,” Burgess said quietly, turning his gaze away.

“So, we’re going to sit here and not talk about this?” Josh asked, “How they
are gunning for him?”

“It’s his life Josh we’re not going to talk about it no,” Dom defended me.

Gavin sighed, “Guys we’re not here to talk about that right now. Right now,
we’re here to talk about medication.”

“Medication you make us take so you can get us under control so we’re easier to
deal with,” Eric stated, “Yet if I medicate myself it’s a fucking problem for
you? Really how is that fair?”

“Eric language,” Gavin warned, “You know what you’re doing is dangerous. The
drugs we give you aren’t addictive and they help clear your mind.”

“No, they don’t,” Tyler answered, “They put us in a fog so it’s easier for you,
all of you to do what you want to us. So, we’ll lay down and we’ll take it and
we won’t complain.”

“Guys, the medication will help you deal better when it’s time for you to move
on,” Gavin said, “That’s why they, we I mean that’s why we give you the
medication.”

“No, I’m with Tyler on this one. I think you give it to us because you know we
won’t fight back if we’re drugged enough,” Dillon insisted.

“Anyone else feel the same way? Do I have to call up the leader and ask him
what he thinks? Maybe he’ll want to throw a party and guess who will be the
party favors if they don’t shut up and believe we have their best interest in
mind?” Gavin said making everyone stop and close their mouths.

No one wanted to deal with him. While my experience with him was limited I knew
I didn’t want to deal with him. We all knew he liked younger boys but from the
way the room read it was easy to tell he didn’t have a problem bothering us
older ones if it meant keeping us in line. How many of these guys had he
tortured?

I didn’t even want to think about it remembering my branding ceremony. What he
had done to me and how he had asked me questions. He had done it so he could
read what I was thinking so he could then use it against me. I also hated how
he had listened to and directed my Da in how he should treat me that one
afternoon, the things he should do to me and how my Da had listened to every
word.

“That’s what I thought,” Gavin smirked in triumph, “Don’t back talk and stay on
topic.”

“Are you gunning for him?” Josh asked shooting a look at me and then turning
his attention back to Gavin.

Gavin laughed, “That’s a bold question,” he replied rubbing his chin
thoughtfully, “If I was I wouldn’t tell you would I? Why do you care anyway?
your dead meat once you leave here.”

“Maybe but at least I won’t belong to the brotherhood anymore,” Josh said,
“I’ll be free which is what I was trying to do anyway so doesn’t that just mean
I win?”

“That’s what this is? You think this is a game?” Gavin asked him.

“Isn’t it? Isn’t that what everything is? So, what if I have to die to win? It
means you can’t have me anymore,” Josh hissed standing up.

“Sit down,” Gavin warned him.

“Why? Why does it fucking matter? Why do I have to listen to you? Fuck you,”
Josh said.

“Didn’t you already your first night? Are you really itching to get it again?”
Gavin asked making everyone in the room nearly gasp in surprise.

“What didn’t think I was good enough to want more?” Josh asked still standing.

“Let’s just say there are other people in here more suited to my needs from
what I’ve heard,” Gavin said and I was sure I saw his eyes flash to me.

“Why because he’s young and pretty?” Josh asked, “I know I’m too old for most
of you but seriously you think I’m going to just fucking sit here and let you
threaten a 13-year-old kid?”

“I’d like to think of it as merely me answering your question. You want to go
to isolation Josh or you want to teach these boys and thing or two about how to
cope in a better way than shoving drugs up their nose?” Gavin said, “Because if
you have anything good you want to do your clock is ticking so, I would do it.”

Josh smiled and shook his head, “Fine, my advice guys? Listen carefully. Don’t
let them take your mind. They can have your body, they have your life, they can
take your friends and your family, let them have it all because in the end they
will but, don’t ever let them take your will to fight. That’s the only way they
ever truly own you.” Josh hissed.

“Thank you for that Josh. Very gallant of you,” Gavin said, “Isolation, now.”

“Yeah fuck you too,” Josh said opening up the door to the day room and slamming
it loudly behind him as he left.

“Well, I guess I’m done for right now, I’ll go get Tony he’ll finish up group,”
Gavin said leaving opening the door.

“Well shit,” Eric sighed leaning back in his chair, “Are we really going to let
this ginger snap make us this hostile? He’s untouchable. He’s not one of us.”

“We’re all in this Eric. It doesn’t matter what number he has on his hip,” Troy
said, “He’s here just like we are.”

“Shut up kid,” Eric said, “You don’t know anything, do you? You know how we
live in dirty basements? He probably has his own floor in his damn house or own
wing even. You know how spoiled fives are? They don’t do parties like we do
parties. They don’t get beat like everyone gets beat tied down to tables.
Sometimes they even get rooms so they don’t have to hear each other being
fucked. Ask Dom he gets to go to those parties all the time only reason he’s a
2 is because he’s adopted and not blood to his family.”

“Is that true Dom?” Troy asked looking at him closely waiting for an answer.

“Chertov Christi,” Dom muttered, “Why does it matter?”

“Come on Dom tell them, tell them what it’s like. I’m not stupid all right I
know they get treated better than we do. They don’t have to bend over whenever
a fucking four comes up to them and we do. It doesn’t matter if it’s recruit
level or not whenever a bottom wants to take something out on us if they have a
higher number on their hip we have to bend over and take it and no one can do
that to him, he’s untouchable. An untouchable fucking piece of shit thinks he
has it bad?” Eric said.

“ERIC, STOP IT!” Dillon shouted, “You think he asked for this? you think he was
born untouchable on purpose?”

I just sat there silently. So, this is what people had meant when they said
that people hated us, untouchables. They really thought we had it better than
they did. That things were that different for us?

They all knew who my uncle was. He treated everyone exactly the same I was
pretty sure and I couldn’t understand why they would hate me for something I
had no control over. I didn’t ask to be born with money into the family that I
was born into. I didn’t ask for the life I had just like they didn’t. At least
they weren’t related to their handlers by blood. At least they didn’t have
their own father raping them whispering things against their skin as he killed
them inside. At least their fathers where ever they were, weren’t actively
destroying them. Not the fathers they were related to by blood anyway.

“John, are you ok?” Dom asked me.

“Why do you care so much if he’s ok?” Eric snapped.

“Because he’s my fucking friend Eric,” Dom answered, “I know him, ok? You might
hate him because of a number on his body but he’s a good person. He didn’t ask
for this just like we didn’t ask for this. You think he likes this? You think
he doesn’t notice the way they’re looking at him? You know exactly what I’m
talking about and we’ve all noticed it. It’s the same way they look at fucking
Burgess and we all know why.”

“Don’t talk about me,” Burgess said.

“He didn’t mean anything by it Adam,” Dillon said causing half the room to look
at him closely.

“Don’t call me that D,” Burgess said shaking his head and taking his glasses
off of his face.

“Woah, wait your name is Adam?” Eric said smiling amused at finding something
out about him.

“You mean because they’re nice looking?” Troy asked.

Eric snorted and clapped his hands making me jump, “I would rather they look at
them then me.”

“Oh, that’s fucking nice,” Ron said rolling his eyes.

“There is nothing wrong with self-preservation,” Eric replied, “I would rather
it was someone else’s ass then mine. Why is that such a bad thing? And it’s not
like Mr. Untouchable can’t take it. I mean god how many guys has he been with,
maybe a handful?”
I sighed closing my eyes. I didn’t want to be discussed. I didn’t want my sex
life wanted or unwanted to be discussed.

This wasn’t fair. The fact that he hated me for something I couldn’t help
wasn’t fair. The fact that everyone knew that look and what it meant and why
they were giving it to me wasn’t fair. I was tired of this.

“Got something to say five?” Tyler asked me.

I shook my head.

“Do you actually fucking speak man or did he fuck you’re your ability to speak
more than 3 words at a time right out of you the morning?” Eric asked, “Yeah
that’s right we’re not stupid he fucks everyone when they first come in though,
so don’t act like you’re fucking special.”

I opened my mouth to say something but couldn’t find my voice. He really hated
me. That was all I could think was this kid really hated me. I exhaled deeply,
“I don’t know what exactly you think my life is like but it’s not easy,” I
finally said.

“Wow, got some words out huh?” Eric said.

“Don’t mock me,” I said quietly, “I don’t know why you hate me but everything
my uncle does to you whenever it is. If you even know him, I don’t fucking know
and I don’t fucking care he does to me at least once a month. I don’t know what
your body looks like under your clothes but I’ve been whipped, I’ve been
bitten, I’ve been scratched, I’ve been punched, kicked, had my head slammed
against walls and floors not to mention I have been fucked so hard that I have
bled for days. I don’t know why you think I haven’t been or why you believe I’m
so fucking lucky but I don’t feel very lucky. In fact, I feel so lucky I cut my
wrist open and when I woke up from a coma and the first thing I said was “shit
I’m alive”. How do you not get that it’s not easy for me either? Yeah people
might pay more money to spend time with me but you’d be fucking surprised the
people I’m forced to spend time with.”

Eric laughed a little bit, “You think your life is really that horrible. So
horrible because when someone wants to see you they take you out and then
you’re being locked up in some sweet ass hotel while you’re forced to lay on a
feather bed? Try having a camera pointed in your face at…”

“At what? Tony’s restaurant? Yeah been there done that had my arm broken,” I
hissed, “You want to know what happened yesterday at Lunch? Someone said
something and it accumulated into Dom giving Mr. Tony and website address that
I wasn’t aware of that I’m apparently plastered all over for anyone to see. You
know what they say to me when they first meet me? They treat me like…” I
faltered starting to cry, “They act like I’m a fucking animal they make
comments about how they saw me in this video or that video how they can’t wait
to get me to…”

“Ok!” Dom said standing up, “That’s enough. Really Eric you had to push him
that far?”

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like everyone was staring at me. Like I had
said something no one had ever heard before like this was new to them. Like
they didn’t know. And I don’t know maybe they didn’t. Obviously, they weren’t
around a lot of fives but did they really think that our lives were that
different? Was it really that it surprising them to hear I was treated like I
was nothing?

“Do they make you do parties?” Tyler asked suddenly, “Not to …disregard you but
do they make you do those?”

“Yeah,” I answered, “I have to do small ones at home all the time. My Da or my
uncle they invite friends over and they just…whatever.”

“I’m sorry,” Ron said, “My dad has never done that to me. Not like that.”

“Yeah well mine doesn’t care as long as he can get me alone later, to him it
doesn’t matter. He once took me in a back room and fucked some other kid while
I screamed because…” I swallowed not wanting to think about Leo and how I was
supposed to see him later.

How he was my doctor. How someone like that could even be a doctor of any kind.
How he had raped me while I watched it happen in a mirror above my head and how
no one had cared that I didn’t want it that. How no one had scared that I was
scared and crying and just wanted him not to touch me. That I had pleaded with
him to stop and he just kept going until he had gotten what he wanted.

“Ok,” Ron said nodding his head, “Ok.”

“Sorry,” Eric said, “Guys I’m sorry I just…sorry.” Eric said shaking his head
and standing up before he left the day room and walked away.

“Can we not fight anymore?” Troy asked quietly looking at his hands in his lap,
“I know all of you guys are older but please stop.”

My heart was racing. I wasn’t sure why, whether it was because I was being so
open about things I never talked about or whether it was because it was in
front of so many people at once but I felt like it was about to explode inside
my chest like I was about to die. My skin vibrating with memories making me
want to flay myself just so I could be rid of the feeling. I hated how I could
feel them on my skin almost constantly especially when I got upset. How I was
afraid that feeling would never go away sometimes.

“Everyone ok?” Mr. Tony asked popping his head into the room looking happy
until he saw the looks on our faces, “What happened?”

“Eric decided to be an asshole,” Dom answered, “I think it’ll be fine just… got
heated is all.”

“What did Eric say?” Mr. Tony asked.

“He decided it was time for a rank racket,” Dillon said using a term I had
never heard before.

Mr. Tony sighed heavily, “really guys? Are you ok Johnathan?”

I nodded my head. Yeah, I was out numbered I knew that but apparently, I hadn’t
been alone. Dom had stood up for me and Dillon and Josh had really stood up for
me being the only to call Gavin out on the way he had been staring at me
earning himself a trip into the back room where he was probably getting raped
as we sat there. I felt grateful I did. I just felt like I was alone all at the
same time. Everyone had known when I walked in there and yet they had acted
like everything was normal at first until Eric had exploded.

“I don’t feel very good,” I answered him truly feeling sick to my stomach sick
about the fact I had exploded like that, shared all of those experiences with
them without a second thought to it because I was so angry they thought I
believed I was better than they were. That they thought I had it better than
they did when really, we were all their whores I just happened to be the best
paid whore in the room.

“Ok,” Mr. Tony said, “You can go lay down take a break. I’ll come get you when
group is over all right?”

I nodded my head and got up to leave. I shut the door behind me and walked down
the hallway waiting until I was in my room and safely under my covers to allow
myself to lose it again. I hated feeling like shit, I hated the fact that I had
lost control, or at least the illusion of control that I tried to keep in
place. The truth was I didn’t control anything and that’s why the little
things, what I talked about how I behaved, what went into my body were
sometimes so important. They had been right the night before when we talked
about eating disorders it was all about the control you felt it allowed you to
have.

I didn’t like this place and felt like I would have been better off at home
almost if it weren’t for him, for Leo who apparently there was no escape from
anyway. I just wanted to go at least if I was home I knew everyone else was
safe. At least if I was home I could talk to Pat on the phone and maybe sneak
out of the house every once in a while, to see him. I wasn’t in my room for
very long before someone knocked on the door making me shudder afraid of who it
might be. that it was going to be Gavin. That he was going to hurt me, do
things to me that I didn’t want to do. However, I sighed in relief when I found
out it was Mr. Tony.

“Hi,” he said sitting down on Dom’s made bed, “You’re still on restriction
today so I figured you and I would talk while everyone else went to class and
then maybe you could watch some TV, you want to come out and sit in the day
room?” He asked me.

“Is everyone else gone?” I asked.

“Yeah, I figured it might be good to give you and Eric some time away from each
other so they’ve already gone down to the classroom. How are you feeling?” He
asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head, “I kind of just want to go home.”

“I’m sorry. It’ll get easier I’m sure he feels bad he just…you have to
understand it’s not easy for them,” Mr. Tony said.

“Why don’t they get it’s not easy for me either?” I asked.

“Well, 2’s are adopted usually to families that don’t have a lot of money and
ones are what the brotherhood considers throwaways. They get used until they
are used up. They hardly ever make it to adult hood Josh is lucky he’s made it
this far and after getting his handler thrown in prison it’s not looking good
for him. It’s sad he’s a good kid.” Mr. Tony sighed.

“How can you work for them knowing what they are?” I asked.

“It was in my release contract, five years in one of their care facilities and
I got my money and my tuition covered at any school I wanted. That and there
has to be good person looking out for you guys knowing the creeps I work with,”
Tony answered.

“What rank are you?” I asked.

“You mean what rank was I?” Mr. Tony asked me, “I’m not supposed to talk about
me but between you and me? Four.”

“At least for them it’s not their real Da,” I said shaking my head.

“They don’t understand how badly that hurts, they wouldn’t because they don’t
have anyone. You have to try to understand that. They think having a real
family makes it better but it doesn’t. Come on let’s go out in the day room no
one is out there, it’ll just be us. I just don’t want people to think
I’m…well,” Mr. Tony said.

“That you’re like them?” I asked him and he nodded his head.

“I pride myself on not being like them so yeah, if they think I am even a
little they’ll start talking about what they do, bragging about it around me,
to me and it’s something I don’t care to hear or be reminded of so…,” Mr. Tony
sighed.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I said standing up. We walked down the hallway in silence. He
was right the whole Unit seemed empty even the girls side. We sat down in the
quiet day room at the table.

“So, you want to tell me about your friend?” He asked me changing to subject to
something less sad.

“I huh, don’t know?” I asked.

“I’m assuming he’s a good friend your eyes lit up when you mentioned him
yesterday,” he said to me smiling lightly like he knew, “You want to tell me
something about him?”

“I huh, his name is Patrick, I call him Pat. The first time I saw him I
remember feeling …almost like I’d swallowed a balloon or something my stomach
felt light yet full at the same time. He made me question everything before him
I just…” I shrugged my shoulders, “He has this lip ring that he moves with his
tongue when he’s nervous and these eyes it’s like looking into the ocean their
blue and deep and dark but mysterious and wonderful all at once. His hair is
inky dark like I think he dyes it but almost like the sky from the country on a
starless night. His hands don’t feel like theirs, their always warm and soft
and safe. It’s almost like he has this ability to make them disappear.” I
answered.

“He confused you what do you mean? You mean sexually?” Mr. Tony asked.

“Just in general. Like I didn’t think I could think about anyone like that
really. Wonder what it felt like to kiss them. Like I never thought of myself
as, I think girls are beautiful I always have I just...” I blushed and shrugged
my shoulders.

“Do you think you’re bisexual maybe?” He asked me, “It’s ok if you are there’s
nothing wrong with being different.”

“I had a girlfriend while I was in Montana,” I answered, “It felt nice kissing
her but it wasn’t the same. You know how sometimes they make you…,” I made a
hand gesture pointing my index fingers at each other not sure how I wanted to
say it, if I wanted to say the words.

“How they force you to be with other people your own age sometimes? Yeah, I
remember that part,” Mr. Tony answered calmly.

“Pat was the first…really the only one I…” I felt my face turning red.

“Oh,” Mr. Tony said.

I nodded my head trying to breathe my whole face hot just thinking about it.
About how it had felt me being inside of him. His hands on my body making me
feel like even though we hadn’t wanted to it was ok, that he wouldn’t hurt me.
That if he had had a choice he wouldn’t have been doing it but that he wasn’t
upset by the fact that it was happening.

“Even though they videotaped it, when the cameras were gone and they left the
room it was almost like…it didn’t feel wrong,” I said closing my eyes trying to
keep myself calm, “They even came back and tried to get him to…he saw something
in me, read me like no one else ever had and he told them no. That he knew I
didn’t want that so he refused to do it. Straight up refused. He cared enough
to listen to me, he made me feel like what I wanted mattered. Like I mattered
and he always does.”

“You two have…?” Mr. Tony asked me his expression half amused half shocked.

“Huh,” I said my face still glowing, “Not all the way?” I said.

Mr. Tony smiled behind his hand and cleared his throat like he was trying to
hide the fact he was amused at my shy and slightly mortified candor. I had only
told Will how far Pat and I had taken it and I knew Cole knew because Cole was
like Pat’s brother, they lived together, shared a bedroom. If Pat had anything
like a brother besides the one he had lost it was Cole.

“So, he’s a boyfriend? Does your father know?” Mr. Tony asked me.

“I think so,” I said, “He won’t let me talk to him since last time,” I answered
thinking about it making my heart feel like it had fallen out of my body.

“Last time?” Mr. Tony asked.

“My Da, he invites friends over and sometimes they bring their kids and…I was
done I couldn’t do anymore and I knew I couldn’t and Pat knew and he was there
and he told them to stop that I couldn’t because I couldn’t.” I said my heart
starting to race.
“Ok, John take a deep breath you don’t need to get upset. You don’t even need
to tell me if you don’t want to,” Mr. Tony said quietly trying to sooth me as
my voice increased in volume and pitch.

I took a deep breath and exhaled deeply calming myself and nodding my head, “He
offered to do it instead. They punished him for it. He, I’m afraid he still
thinks I blame him. But it wasn’t him it was them they were going to do it
anyway they just made him watch because he wanted them to stop.”

“Hurting you?” Mr. Tony asked.

I nodded my head, “They get rough, I’m used to it but making him watch. Knowing
he was watching that, that they were making him. He shouldn’t have to see
that.”

“So, you think they know?” Mr. Tony asked me.

“Yeah. I’m not sure they know, know. I know Pat’s Da suspects but he tolerates
it. He won’t say anything because we both mean something to him I guess but my
Da has made it very clear that it’s not acceptable and I’m not supposed to see
him or talk to him for a while. Between him taking that away and Le…” I tripped
over the name, “Leo I couldn’t …I couldn’t. He wants me to be alone. He doesn’t
want me to have anyone I can talk to, anyone to…care.”

“I don’t think that’s it. You want to know what I think? Why he took your mum
away and Patrick away?” Mr. Tony asked, “He wants you to depend on him, your
father I mean. He wants you to depend on him completely for everything.”

I nodded my head, “I can’t. I know how he feels. I do but I can’t feel the same
way. Even if I tried I don’t think I could because…”
“Because he betrayed you,” Mr. tony finished, “Because you know it’s not right
that it’s not ok and that it’s not something you asked for or wanted.”

I nodded my head, “I know how he feels, I do. Him and my mum used to fight
about it how he looks at me like he shouldn’t. They all look at me kind of like
that but with him it’s a little different like he wants more than just …”

“It’s ok to feel confused about that,” Mr. Tony said.

“He wasn’t always bad,” I said, “But I could never feel that way about him not
after …” I started to hyperventilate.

“Ok. John, you need to try and breathe ok, count to four as you exhale and
count to four as you inhale.” Mr. Tony said looking at me closely.

I sighed taking his advice breathing slowly. I hated him, my Da I hated how
badly he hurt me. How he knew exactly what he needed to do to make me hurt the
most. I didn’t want to think about him. About how he treated me how much he had
to be angry with me for not loving him in order to do the things he did. How he
was so cruel to the point where he was almost malicious.

Someone knocked on the door startling us both, “Hi I’m Liz I’m your social
worker. I wanted to meet with you before we go see your doctor.” The young
woman said her hair pulled back in a tight bun on her head. I noticed she was
pretty. Her eyes a hazel color with a dark green ring around each one under her
glasses. Her expression warm and kind a hint of a smile sitting just behind her
eyes.

“Hi,” I said nodding.

“May I sit?” She asked as Mr. Tony smiled at her and got up leaving the room.

“I’m John,” I said.

“Ok John, is there anything you want me to know before we go see Dr.
Swartzman?”

“I want a different doctor I don’t want him to be my doctor,” I said honestly.

“Ok, I can put in a request to have your case transferred but doing that will
take time and in the meantime, you’ll be stuck here. Right now, you’re here for
three weeks according to your chart because that’s what we can get your
insurance to cover. I’m your advocate in this John ok? I work for you anything
you need help with you come to me for. I don’t represent your parents or your
doctor. I help you. Can you tell me why you need a different doctor because if
I’m going to transfer your case I need a valid reason?”

“He makes me nervous,” I said.

“You haven’t even met him yet; does he make you nervous because he’s a man?”
She asked me.

Did I tell her the truth? That he was someone I knew? That he wanted to rape me
and I knew it and that’s why he scared me or did I just nod my head and give
her the simple answer, the easy one. I decided to just nod my head.

“Did you know your mother is on the adult ward?” She asked me looking at me
closely.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“You and she seem to be sharing some of the same delusions otherwise I’d say we
include her in your family meeting later but since you both seem to be
suffering from the same misconceptions until she’s doing better I think it’s
best you and she stay apart.” She answered me.

“Delusions?” I asked confused, “What does that mean?”

“It means you’re having thoughts, anxieties that aren’t real. You believe
things that aren’t true. Like what made her run to Montana she keeps insisting
that her husband, your father was abusive…. he…” I cut her off.

“He was abusive he hit her. She was protecting us,” I said

“So, you don’t believe he hurt you in other ways?” She asked me and I felt the
lump in the throat form.

“Other ways?” I asked trying to play cool my whole being feeling like it was
going to fall apart and break into a million pieces.

“The nurse said you said you don’t feel human that you feel like a toy. That
people use you,” Liz said, “You know what that sounds like you’re implying? If
it’s not true that’s something that can really hurt someone. To say that is to
imply that someone is hurting you very badly and if that is the case you need
to not imply but actually verbally confirm an accusation. You understand what
I’m saying?”

She wanted me to say it? She wanted me to say the words? I didn’t think I could
not like that. Not to an adult outside of the brotherhood that didn’t know what
it was like.

Not to someone I was sure wouldn’t understand it. And what good would saying it
do anyway? It was her job to just send me back home, she worked for them
despite what she said, what she wanted me to believe. If she thought I was
delusional maybe I should just let her keep thinking that. That I was crazy,
that I didn’t matter.

“Do you have something to clarify for me? Anything you want to say?” She asked
me and I just shook my head.

I couldn’t say those words. Not to her not to anyone that didn’t already know.
If someone was in the brotherhood they knew what I was. What I had gone through
no matter how much or how little detail I gave them. It was another thing to
talk to someone else about it. Someone else who saw me as normal or nearly
normal.

“Ok then, I can’t transfer your case are you going to be ok with that?” She
asked me and I nodded my head. “Listen, we’ll help you both of you. Is there
anything you want me to be aware of when we go and do your family meeting? I
think it’s going to be your father and you just you two but he might bring your
uncle,” She told me.

“Family meeting?” I asked. Thinking about being alone in a room with the two of
them and the things they would do made me want to scream.

“Yeah it’s basically a conference. It will be you and I and your father maybe
Uncle and we’ll talk about some stuff that will help you once you get out.
Things we can do to get you home. Medications you’re going to be on, setting up
a routine once you leave here all of those types of things.” Liz said.

“I want to be able to talk to my friend. Pat,” I said.

“Can I ask why?” She asked me.

“He’s my best friend I feel like I’m trapped without him. I also want to be
able to call my mum he hasn’t let me do that since we came back. I feel like
those are things I need, people I need in order to not feel so…tired,” I
answered.

“Ok, I’ll talk to him about it see if we can work something out, maybe see if
we can get Pat moved to your call list, it’s the list of people you’re allowed
to contact while you’re in here. Do you think that would help you?” She asked
me.

I nodded my head.

“Ok, well let’s go see Dr. Swartzman ok? I’ll be in there with you. You don’t
have to be alone with him and we’ll see what we can come up with. What steps we
can take to implement a good treatment plan to get you happy and safe at home
ok?” She said smiling as we both stood up.

I felt bad for this woman. She didn’t seem like a bad person just a misinformed
one. She thought she was helping me that she was doing something good to help a
poor sick kid when really, she was helping them. Helping them keep their
secrets, keep themselves out of trouble.

We walked down the hallway and she opened the double doors with her key. We
went out into the main hallway and then took a left into what looked like a
little waiting room and she knocked on a door in the right corner.

“Come in,” He called and just hearing his voice made me freeze up. I didn't
want to be in that room with him.

I took a deep breath to calm myself and walked into the room. I watched his
expression. Somehow, he had managed to make it muted, cold like he didn’t know
who I was when he glanced at me quickly and then glanced away before he held
out his hand for me to shake it, “My name is Dr. Swartzman you must be John.”
He said.

“Hi,” I said not taking his hand and sitting down.

“Ok, now why are you here John?” Leo asked me.

“I tried to kill myself,” I answered not looking at him.

“Can you explain why?” He asked me and the tone of his voice sounded like a
warning.

“I was tired. I have a lot of siblings that I help take care of. I was tired
just depressed and tired and it was a mistake and I want to go home,” I
answered.

“Are you sure that’s all?” He asked.

I nodded my head in response.

“Ok, we’ll try you on Zoloft, see if that works. We’ll start on a low dose,” he
said.

“What about his delusional thinking? He seems to have the same delusions as his
mother. Thinking his father is abusive,” Liz said looking at Leo frowning.

“Well, it could be bipolar psychosis just like his mother. If that’s the case
the Zoloft will help the depression side but his mania and delusions will get
worse, if that’s not what it is maybe he’ll come to realize that his mind is
playing tricks on him because he’s so depressed and he’ll be able to admit his
mistake,” Leo said.

“Ok, whatever you say I’m going to go grab his chart is it ok if he stays here
for a few minutes?” She asked him.

“Yeah I don’t have to see anyone else he’s my last one of the morning. I can
take him back to the unit if you like,” Leo said still not looking at me,
barely looking at her.

“That would be great, thanks are you sure it’s no trouble?” She asked him.

“Yeah, no trouble at all,” he said, “I just have to finish charting myself.
I’ll take him back in a minute.”

“Ok thank you Dr,” Liz said before she left, leaving the door cracked. After a
minute, he got up and opened it looking out, looking for her before he shut the
door and locked it.

“You know how much trouble you are in? You’re contracted to me right now I am
your handler not your dad me and I like boys who can be good you understand?”
Leo hissed at me making me cower where I was still sitting, “You’re so lucky,
you’re in a place where they keep track of your bruises otherwise I would beat
the shit out of you and fuck you so hard you couldn’t sit for a week.”

“I’m sorry,” I barely managed.

“Don’t tell me your sorry, show me,” he said coming close to me.

I swallowed I knew what he wanted. It wasn’t something I did often wasn’t
something I thought I was that good at but, if it got me out of there without
him touching me I was ok. I could deal with his dick in my mouth if it meant
mine wasn’t in his. I sighed and undid his belt looking up at him as he smiled
at me before I took him into my mouth making my tongue probe gently just barely
when he started to moan his hand on the back of my head.

“That’s it,” he said, “God that mouth is amazing why don’t I use it more
often?” He mused.

I licked and sucked waiting for him to finish when he told me to stop that,
that was enough. I pulled back a droplet of spit connecting us for just a
second before I wiped my mouth off. I was just glad he didn’t make me swallow.

“Come here,” he said doing up his belt grabbing my arm lightly making me stand,
“look at me,” he said cupping my chin with his hand tilting it upward so I was
staring into his eyes.

I didn’t like what I saw there. That I saw that thought in his eyes they all
had. How he wanted me naked how he wanted to touch me in ways I didn’t want to
be touched as his thumb pressed into my lower lip causing me to start shaking.

“If I had time I’d suck you dry,” he muttered pulling me close to him, “I love
the way you taste, I want to bottle it and drink it all the time.” he said
before he leaned over and kissed me catching me by surprise as I struggled
against him his tongue making its way into my mouth. I didn’t want him to kiss
me. I wanted him to stop. I pushed against him as he squeezed my elbow hurting.

After he was breathless he pulled away smiling at me, “You need to listen
better. You’re mine remember that. Not your Daddy’s. Until that contract is up
your mine and will do what I want or you won’t be happy because while Daddy
might not hit you that hard and he might use people like me as punishment and
people like Hank, I’ll use people like Barren,” he threatened.

I started shaking my head vigorously I remembered how badly he had hurt. The
things he had done. How painful it was. How he had forced me to scream and
bleed and how my body had hurt for days afterward but I had to carry on like I
was ok. Like he hadn’t done what he did, “I’ll play doubles too I like
doubles.”

“W-w-what d-d-d-do y-you want me to do?” I stuttered out.

“Nothing yet sweet boy, we’ll wait until you’re out to really play. Come on let
me take you back,” he said kissing my cheek before he opened the door.
***** 14 *****
Chapter Summary
     John's resolve to make it through this hospitalization is already
     faltering. He misses Pat so desperately he feel like he can't breathe
     and everything feels like it's falling apart around him. The staff
     won't leave him alone. He knows when he goes home he's not supposed
     to have any contact with his best friend and he feels completely and
     utterly hopeless. Not the mention the fact that the threat of Leo and
     whatever Leo and his Da are planning to do to him is hanging over his
     head. He finally breaks a little having a panic attack while on the
     phone with Pat trying to find some solace. This leads him to being
     put in isolation where he learns some things about Tony that he
     wasn't expecting and comes to understand a different prespective on
     things.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 247 to 261 WARNINGS: rape/non-con, mental health issues, talk
     of possible pedophilia (which is different from being a child
     molester even though most people don't see it that way). TALK OF
     ATTEMPTED MURDER of a child non the less.
I hugged my arms around myself as we walked back to the unit but he didn’t
touch me. He didn’t even look at me. When he turned the key in the lock he
allowed me to push the door open and walk through it on my own leaving me there
as he walked back to his office. I went to the day room and sat back down in
the chair in the corner that I always sat in. Ignoring the TV that was on
playing in the back ground. No one was back from school yet.

“Hey,” Mr. Tony said causing me to jump.

“You ok?” He asked me concerned with my jumpiness.

“I-,” I stopped speaking and just nodded my head.

“You can tell me anything you know? No charting just like earlier,” he swore to
me.

“Dr. Swartzman, I’m contracted to him,” I answered.

“They still do those?” Mr. Tony asked and I nodded my head.

“When just now?” He asked me.

“Last Wednesday before I…,” he cut off my words

“He’s why you tried to kill yourself?” He asked.

“It’s not…I tried but I can’t…he scares me,” I answered.

“You’ve had experiences with him before?” Mr. Tony prodded.

I clammed up. I couldn’t talk about that. Him, the car none of it. I couldn’t
and I wouldn’t. I closed my eyes trying to control my breathing and failing
horribly. I didn’t want to think about it but I could still feel his hand on my
chin, still taste his tongue in my mouth, his skin the way it tasted like
something sour mixed with tomatoes.

“Ok John,” Mr. Tony said quietly, “You need to calm down I can’t let you have a
panic attack here if you can’t calm down I have to send you to the back and
Gavin is in the back. None of this is fair to you I know but you need to try
and calm yourself down slow deep breaths ok?”

I nodded my head trying to focus on his voice, on the TV playing the
background. I knew I was shaking, I could feel it especially in my hands that I
couldn’t keep still. Once I felt like I was going to be able to keep it
together I opened my eyes looking at him.
“You ok?” He asked me.

I nodded my head not sure I could speak. I knew if I said anything I was going
to scream and the only one who could stop me from screaming wasn’t there. So, I
just sat there and watched my hands shake trying to calm down trying to control
it.

“You feel like you can’t speak?” He asked me and I nodded my head in response,
“Does this happen when one of them…” I didn’t listen to the rest of his
sentence knowing what he meant, not caring to nodding my head as hard as I
could.

He sighed and was quiet for a minute, “That’s what set off the rank racket?
Neal did something and they all sensed it on you. Was it last night?”

I didn’t look at him I didn’t want to talk about it. I hated that he knew. I
hated that they all knew.

“Ok, you don’t have to answer I’m not here to make you talk about things you
don’t want to talk about but the more closed off you become the longer they
will keep you here. The longer you are here, the more you have to deal with
them and I know that’s something you don’t want to do. Lunch is going to be
soon so stay here, I’ll be able to see you from the desk. You see Gavin stay in
this room don’t go anywhere with him tell him I told you to stay where you are
because you are on my team today,” Mr. Tony said handing the remote for the TV
to me, “Find something to watch but please make sure it’s not Jerry Springer or
Jenny Jones.”

He walked away leaving me there. I flipped through the channels looking for
something interesting and found absolutely nothing. I sat there staring at the
TV not sure exactly what I was watching but from what I gathered someone was
supposed to be dead but wasn’t and someone else was mad because her husband had
a child with another woman and it was just crazy, the whole thing was hard to
follow and just seemed completely insane. After a few minutes someone came with
a tall cart which I figured was probably lunch and Burgess reappeared followed
by Hannah and some of the girls who went to the girl’s side while Burgess
joined me in the day room.

He sat down and frowned at the TV, “What in the world are you watching?” He
asked me.

“I have no idea,” I answered looking at him, “How was school?”

“So, so,” he answered, “We played a board game because it seems like until next
week it’s still considered summer so we’re not expected to do actual work. How
was restriction, you sit here and watch TV the whole time?”

I shook my head and then realized I was supposed to try and speak, that
speaking was good, “I huh saw my doctor. Talked with Mr. Tony a little bit and
then well,” I lifted the remote up showing it to him.

“Sounds fun,” Burgess said sarcastically.

“Yeah it was great, going over my relationship with the one person who cares
about me with Mr. Tony was great,” I said.

“You have a girlfriend?” Burgess asked intrigued.

I smiled and shook my head. I wasn’t sure I wanted to start up that rumor being
untouchable and all. Especially considering Pat wasn’t a five for all I knew
they would think I was forcing him, since he was only a three.

“Oh,” Burgess said catching on a little bit, “Do I get a name?”

“Nope,” I said.

“It’s not unusual you know? To get involved with someone. I mean they usually
keep us away from girls so we have to find others ways to …” He moved his hands
in this weird circle is brain looking for the right word to use, “distract
ourselves. We know we’re not supposed to but we don’t get in nearly as much
trouble for it as you guys do, higher I mean.”

“You and Dillon?” I asked and he blushed lightly.

“Yeah you caught that?” He asked me.

“Takes one to know one,” I sighed throwing the remote at him which he caught
easily.

“Are you going to tell anyone?” He asked me, “If staff here finds out they’ll
make us change rooms and I don’t …”

“It’s none of my business what you do in your room,” I answered looking at the
TV.

“Thanks,” he said.

“No problem however I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who knows,” I
answered.

“You mean because he called me by my first name?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, considering how tight lipped you’ve been about that,” I answered.

“Shit,” he said.

“And you called him D,” I said trying not to laugh, “Nicknames tend to be a
thing I’ve noticed. He calls me Rabbit.”

Burgess looked at me, “I think I can see it.”

“What?” I asked.

“How you got the nickname, Rabbits are jumpy, but cute; big eyes but skittish,
hence the nickname,” Burgess answered.

I shrugged my shoulders, “So I’m jumpy how come you aren’t?” I asked.

“Enough depo shock probably,” Burgess answered and saw the confused look on my
face, “It’s huh, where they restrain you and then cover your ears so you can’t
hear anything and your eyes. And then they…So as long as I can either see or
hear I’m pretty calm.”

I thought back to that night with Will before Pat had stepped in to try and
help me. How they had done that to me, how I wasn’t able to tell who was doing
what to me how all I could feel was their hands and tongues and lips against my
skin as they used me. How I couldn’t even hear what they were saying, how I
couldn’t hear anything but my own screaming until they had gagged me.

“They’ve done that to you?” He asked watching my face.

I didn’t want to talk about that. Why did everything go back to that? Why did
that have to rule my life? I didn’t want that to be all I was, all I would ever
be. I sighed.

Burgess cleared his throat, “So… you and your friend how far have you taken
it?” He asked changing the subject.

My mouth fell open. He was really asking me that? Someone I barely knew was
asking me if I’d had actual sex, consensual sex. I wasn’t ready to be that
close and personal with anyone at least not anyone here.

“Ok fine, don’t engage. I’m just a giant gossip sorry,” Burgess said.

“It’s just…,” I shook my head, “Well. I’m not supposed to see him anymore
because my Da suspects so…”

“Oh, sorry. So, no questions don’t talk about it type of thing you thinking?”
Burgess asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Honestly you want to know something? The first time I like…did it because I
wanted to I was 10,” He said causing my mouth to fall open in shock again, “Hey
when it’s all your life is you kind of…don’t see it as a huge deal anymore I
guess. A lot of us have similar stories, we were little, someone sold us and
here we are.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s not your fault you didn’t do it,” Burgess said, “We just had shit parents
some people just shouldn’t have kids and we happen to be the kids of those
people so…someone wanted us just not the right people again.”

“What’s it like?” I asked.

“Huh, basically the same as you probably. We get passed around contracted and
then re-contracted. I’ve had five dads’ if you can even call them that, I’m
supposed to but whatever I don’t imagine real Dad’s do what they do,” Burgess
answered my question and then realized he was talking to me, an untouchable
someone who was with their real family, their real father, “At least not most I
mean…”

“Not decent ones you mean,” I replied nodding my head, “I know, I realize he’s
not normal that none of it is normal.”

“Sorry I didn’t mean to imply that,” Burgess said.

“No, it’s ok you’re right,” I said, “I know my Da isn’t normal and I don’t,” I
felt like my heart was racing just talking about him thinking about the stuff
he made me do. How he was my own flesh and blood and how he claimed his hate
for me was love. I knew he lived in his own twisted world but talking about it
wasn’t something I wanted to do.

“I’m sorry,” Burgess said again looking at me before he turned his attention
back to the TV like he didn’t expect me to finish speaking. Not that I had the
ability to being at a loss of words, any that I could think of stuck somewhere
between my brain and my mouth. I just nodded my head and sat there silently
waiting for someone to bring in our lunch trays.

When the food got there, it didn’t look nearly as bad as it had Tuesday. A
handful of chicken nuggets and tater tots with some green beans. Burgess
sighed, “I hate chicken.” He said staring at the plate glumly.

“I don’t mind it, I have a lot of younger siblings though so chicken nuggets is
a common house hold food for me,” I answered looking at my plate.

“Did they diagnosis you yet?” He asked.

“No,” I shook my head, “If they do does that mean I’m eating with you?”

“Yep and any newbies that come in.” He said, “I don’t know food is a big deal.
I had this one guy who wouldn’t let me eat anything but oatmeal and he…are you
ok John?”

“Yeah why?” I asked swallowing slowly knowing that he must have seen my face
change, “It’s just my Da before I…well before I ended up here he made me eat a
lot of…oatmeal. And I hate it, it reminds me of...”

“He did that to you? Your Dad I mean?” Burgess asked me quietly.

“Yeah, I huh it was weird,” I answered not feeling very hungry suddenly
remembering why he had changed my diet. Because it made things less messy. As
he had said.

“After Lunch, everyone will come up we can either watch a movie or go to our
rooms and read or sleep. Because you’re on restriction they might make you go
to your room anyway and if I were you I’d try to get Dom to go with you try to
take a nap. Gavin gets grabby if you’re alone. I huh,” Burgess started to
stammer, “Just try not to be alone alright?”

“You mean he’s going to…?” I shook my head.

“John, that’s why we’re here, so they can teach us to never do it again all
right? Whatever it is we did to end up here. The only reason I’m not in juvie
is because my “Dad” his name is Chase has enough connections to keep me out.
That and he apparently wants to deal with me himself for what I did. I don’t
know for all I know I’m dead,” Burgess said smiling sadly.

“What did you do?” I asked him.

“Chase adopted another boy, cute 3 years old. He was already doing things to
him. You know bad things. Every time I looked at him I kept thinking how shit
my life was, how he didn’t deserve that. How he was better off dead. So, one
afternoon while he was down for his nap and Chase was at work I took a pillow
and held it over his face,” Burgess said the expression in his eyes almost
blank, emotionless, “And I held it there until he quit struggling until I
thought he was dead. Chase came in. Just as I was grabbing the gun off the bed
so I could…” He gestured pointing his index finger at his temple his thumb up
forming a sideways L almost like it was supposed to be a gun, “He beat my until
I passed out. Apparently, all I had done was made him unconscious not that I’ve
ever tried to actually smother someone to death before so you know, easy
mistake I guess. He brought me here. If it’s not Sam here I mean it’s Gavin or
its Levi, Dr. Larkin sometimes even. At least once every day at home it was
starting to slow down. Apparently, I’m getting too old and he’ll pass me on
soon.”

“You really tried to kill a kid?” I asked having a hard time imagining Burgess
trying to kill anyone.
“Eli,” Burgess answered, “I couldn’t leave him like that. I had to save him, I
had to try and the only way I could think of to it was to… Needless to say it
didn’t really accomplish anything and I regret it.”

“I have little brothers,” I said, “One of them is two. I can’t imagine killing
him even if it was to try and save him.”

“Yeah but I’m assuming because your dad is actually your dad he listens to you
sometimes, right? That makes it easier,” Burgess said, “I can’t tell Chase to
do or not do a damn thing I have no way to convince him of anything.”

“He pretends to,” I answered, “If I’m…” I exhaled deeply the words getting
stuck because they were too hard to say if I was good if I obeyed, if I did
what he wanted?

“So, if you…he stays away from them?” Burgess asked me.

I opened my mouth to speak and found myself unable to for a minute. Did I
really want a stranger knowing this even if he was like me? Even if he life was
similar to mine?

“Mostly,” I answered, “He keeps other people away from them for the most part
because he’s not interested in them really he’s more interested in…”

“Oh, John the way you’re talking you sound like you’re having trouble
breathing,” Burgess said, “So I think we need to change the subject ok? If you
go off Gavin will take you in the back and... you don’t want to deal with
Gavin.”

“I’ve dealt with Sam and Neal and Leo so far so what the fuck is one more?” I
asked trying to shrug my shoulders.

“Leo?” Burgess questioned.

“Dr. Swartzman,” I said.

“I’m sorry,” Burgess said and I saw the look flash in his face. The look that
meant he knew.

I sighed and nodded, “They can’t be worse than that, right? Gavin and Levi?” I
asked.

“I don’t know it depends I guess, what you hate. They talk to each other take
notes, they know what bothers you,” Burgess answered, “They’ll use it. Whatever
it is they’ll use it to break you. To make sure you never try whatever landed
you here again.”
“I figured that out already, what does Dom usually do during free time?” I
asked.

“Usually a movie with everyone else who’s allowed to. Terminator marathon this
week and he seems happy about it. You can ask Mr. Tony if he’ll let you stay up
but this is only your first full day so you’ll probably be on restriction until
you see your doctor tomorrow. He’s your friend though I’m sure if you ask Dom
he’ll stay in your room with you.”

I thought about the last time we were alone in a room with a brotherhood member
together how well that had gone for us a hand shoved down my pants trying to
keep Dom safe from being abused how I knew Dom would probably do the same thing
for me. I shook my head I wasn’t going to do that him. He was my friend the
only friend that I really seemed to have outside of Pat and Cole. The only
friend who was really in it, there for me without that heated tension that Pat
and I had that made me melt whenever I thought about him. I couldn’t do that to
what was probably my best friend. I wouldn’t.

“That never goes well,” I said not caring to elaborate and Burgess didn’t ask
as we heard the door open as everyone else decided to come back into the Unit
Josh amongst them even though I didn’t remember seeing him leave isolation.

“Ok everyone,” Gavin said, “It’s free time and Mr. Tony has some stuff to do so
I’m in charge if you are on restriction you need to go to your room. Take a nap
read a book, I don’t care. And today for the movie Terminator 2: Judgement day
for those of you interested in watching who are allowed to. Johnathan go to
your room.”

I sighed and stood up leaving to go to my room as I noticed a sneer or two turn
in my direction. Tyler and Eric really didn’t seem to like me. Being
untouchable I understood why but it wasn’t my fault I was what I was. It wasn’t
my fault because I had no choice in my life.

I sighed and went to my room trying to lay down trying to relax and not think
of what was going to happen, what Gavin was going to do once he got the chance.
I waited my eyes closed hoping if he thought I was asleep when he came in he
wouldn’t bother me. I was wrong like I was always wrong. I heard the door close
and I flinched, jumping out of my skin.

Please god no was all I could think as I felt him sit down at the foot of my
bed, “He’s right you are like an angel,” He said causing my eyes to snap open
knowing he was talking about Neal’s nick name for me as he reached up and
grabbed my knee squeezing it lightly.

“What do you want?” I asked him.

I felt like I was done fighting them, begging them to stop. I just wanted to be
able to give him what he wanted so he would leave me alone. So, I could have
even a second of peace where I didn’t feel like someone was dragging their
nails over my skin.
“You,” he said rubbing my knee through my blanket as he shifted his weight
forward so he was leaning beside me. I could see it in his face. He wanted to
kiss me. I didn’t feel comfortable with that. I could deal with certain things
but that wasn’t one of them and neither was the other thing that I was pretty
sure he wanted.

“It’s ok, I won’t hurt I promise.” he whispered getting up and pulling back my
blankets sitting back on the bed beside me, his upper body over mine pinning my
arms to the mattress above my head by my wrist so I couldn’t sit up.

I felt my face flush as I struggled to swallow. Maybe I was wrong about what I
wanted? That when they weren’t touching me I was ok with the idea of it
happening but once they put their hands on me I changed my mind. I always
panicked and decided I couldn’t do it. That I couldn’t stand the feeling of
them on my skin, violating me like that.

“You’re beautiful,” he said again leaning closer his chest up against mine
before he pressed his lips to my lips forcing me to kiss back; forcing his
tongue into my mouth which tasted like warm orange soda and something else like
a mixture between almonds and onion.

I pushed back against him, trying to get him off of me. “God no, please no”.
Was all I could think as one of his hands slid the hem of my shirt up touching
my bare stomach. He continued touching me, sliding his hand down to the waist
band of my pants shifting his grip so both of my wrists were in one of his
hands as he held them in place causing the bones to press together as he used
his body weight to pin me to the stiff mattress under us.

“No, no no,” I pleaded as he broke the kiss.

“It’s ok, I’m just into kissing…kissing everywhere,” he said kissing down the
side of my neck, “Your skin tastes sweet.” He muttered into my skin pulling my
shirt up hastily exposing my chest as wriggled to free my arms in an attempt to
keep my shirt down.

I bucked my hips wiggling and fighting as hard as I dared. I wasn’t ok with
this. Why did he think this was ok?

“No Angel. No. Just relax, don’t fight ok?” Gavin said his one hand finally
leaving my wrists as he pulled my shirt up over my face trying to get it over
my head.

“Stop,” I begged as his mouth moved to my chest, his hands still prying at me,
still exploring and sliding over my skin gently making me shiver. Not being
able to see what he was doing because of my shirt obstructing my view made it
that much harder to breathe as his hands kept sliding lower and lower finally
undoing the snaps on my pants pulling them down my thighs.

“NO!” I said loudly as he kissed against my hip before he stopped.

“You get loud I’ll take you to isolation you want that? Or do you want to stay
here because I can do more in back ask Josh, ask anyone.” He warned me.

I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking. I just wanted him off
of me. I didn’t want to do this with him. I didn’t want anyone touching me but
Pat.

This wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair that they all got to do this to me and make me
feel like shit. That they were allowed to do whatever they wanted and I wasn’t
allowed to have anything, I wasn’t allowed to have someone care. I wasn’t
allowed comfort, I wasn’t even allowed death. I wasn’t allowed anything.

I grabbed my shirt and pulled it up over my head so I could see him, hoping
that would alleviate some of my fear, some of the panic I was feeling as his
tongue slid down the center of my chest making it feel slimy. I squirmed and I
heard him sigh happily, the feeling of the huff leaving his nose tickling my
skin. I felt my chest heaving as I tried to keep myself breathing knowing that
this was better than the alternative. That this was better than being in the
back room where he would have me trapped for hours when I knew that this had to
end at some point sooner rather than later while in the back it was hard to
tell time at all.

He started licking his way back down my body as I shoved my own shirt in my
mouth biting down hard. Because I didn’t want to make noise. His tongue made
the tingling in my body spread from the roots of my hair to the tips of my
toes. Whatever the fuck he was doing he was setting my nervous system on fire
his hands on my hips as he finally licked his way all the way down a gasp
escaping from my shirt as I shuddered. When his mouth reached my penis, my eyes
were already starting to roll, my brain feeling ashamed my heart beating like
it was going to explode and my body beyond my control.

“Not, yet angel. Not yet,” he said stopping taking hands off of me, “I want to
taste you for real ok? All of you,” he said pulling my legs apart so he could
lay between them, so he could suckle me like my Da had done so many times
before.

It didn’t take him long. To get me to reach the point where I could no longer
hold on and I ended up clenching my jaw hard together to keep myself from
screaming a little moan/hum escaping as I finished into his mouth and he
swallowed as he used my hips as handles to push himself up and off of me the
sensation almost feeling like his fingers were burning me.

“God, Neal was right I think you’re my new favorite Angel,” he commented, “I
bet you feel and taste this good on the inside too, don’t you?”

I felt like my heart stopped. I didn’t want him touching me anymore. I couldn’t
stand the thought of him touching me anymore. He smiled at me kissing my cheek
as I pushed at him trying to push him away.

I didn’t think I could stand him sticking his tongue there too. The way I knew
it would make my face go hot the way my face still felt hot his one hand
tracing my brand in the dim room. I tensed waiting to see what he would do,
waiting to breathe.
“It’s ok Angel, I’ll wait until later ok? Right now I’m going to leave you to
it since you have half an hour left and the movie is about over so I need to go
back,” he said kissing my lips and getting up quickly, “Your dad should be
visiting today after life skills, which I think I might let Tony lead because
I’m going to be very,” He licked his lips still looking at me, “very
distracted.”

I swallowed pulling my pants back up and grabbing my shirt from beside my head
before I threw it back on my body. God, I hated this. I couldn’t even take a
sink bath to get him off of my skin because I didn’t have a wash cloth or any
paper towel but I went into the bathroom anyway. I splashed water on my face
and took my clothes back off so I could splash some hot water onto the
different parts of my body where I felt like he was sticking to me.

I kept trying to wash myself off but my whole body was shaking and I felt like
I was on fire. I felt gross, like there was hot jello under my skin that just
kept wiggling around making me feel sick. I didn’t hear him knock as he opened
the door making us both jump.

“SHIT DOM I’M NAKED!” I shouted as I shot him a look just in time to see his
face turn red as he shut the door.

“Sorry I didn’t think you’d be… what are you doing anyway?” He asked through
the door.

“Washing myself off so I’m not…,” I trailed off and sighed as I pulled my
clothes back on, my stupid uniform that made me feel like I was in some kind of
prison instead of a hospital.

I heard Dom mutter something from the other side of the door under his breath
before he sighed, “Are you ok? It’s phone time really quick I can call Pat for
you now if you like.”

“That’d be nice, thanks,” I answered.

“Ok, I’ll call come out when you’re done,” Dom said.

I finished getting dressed and making sure I was decent before I opened the
door. I walked down the hall and found Ron on the one phone with Dom on the
other, his back turned to me.

“It’s bad man, it’s really bad they won’t let up. He’s having tremors or
something like he’s fucking epileptic. I think it’s because he’s crawling out
of his skin because they don’t leave him alone,” Dom muttered as I came up to
him and cleared my throat causing him to turn around, “Yeah, here he is.” He
said handing the phone over.

“Hey Rabbit,” Pat said quietly into the phone, “How are you doing?”

“Apparently, I have tremors,” I said flexing my hand noticing that he was
right, I did have tremors. It seemed like my hands almost never stopped
shaking.

“That doesn’t tell me how you are doing, how are you feeling? Are things ok
there? Are you getting any rest? A break from everything?” Pat asked me.

“He’s my doctor Pat, no I’m not getting a break. Four almost five times and
I’ve been here just about 24 hours. This is worse than it was there where it
was three times a day.” I said trying to keep myself calm.

I heard him sigh heavily, “How are you doing with that?” He asked me.

“If I wasn’t in here for trying to kill myself already you mean? They are
so…fuck,” I swore starting to cry.

“Oh Rabbit,” Pat said and I could hear the pain in his voice, “If I could I
would do anything to get you out of there.”

“I know I just, promise me you’ll try to be there when I get out?” I asked.

“I’ll try to be. You know I will.” His voice got really quiet, “I love you.”

I heard some laughter in the back ground on the other side of the phone and
then, “Oh bunny I lllllovvveeeee yyyyoouuu so much I want to touch you, I want
to kiss you, I want to grab your…”

“Cole, will you stop it!” I heard Pat moan putting his hand over the receiver,
“He’s had a little too much fun with some party favors.” He said speaking to
me.

“Party favors?” I asked confused.

“He popped something,” Pat clarified, “Delia is having a party and we’re
invited. Cole thinks it’s a good idea to get me out of the house and get away
from Dad and Gus, all of that.”

“Oh,” I answered thinking of Delia there with him. Of Delia being there to play
spin the bottle with him, seven minutes in heaven, her hands being on his ribs
where mine should be, her lips on his. The thought killed me a little inside.
If I wasn’t already convinced I was half dead I would have allowed it to kill
me. Maybe she was better for him.

“Look I’m going for him I’m not going to go see Delia. I don’t want anything to
do with her. He just thinks if I don’t spend some time out away from the house
I’m going to become a shut in,” Pat said.

“Ok,” I said.

“Rabbit come on please believe me,” Pat begged.

“No I do I just…I want to go home,” I said finally not able to hold back my
tears anymore, “I’ll take it all if they just let me go home. I don’t want all
of them touching me anymore. I’m so tired Pat and I feel like without you I’m
dying and I can’t do this anymore; I can’t be here anymore. I don’t want this.
I want you.”

“Rabbit, oh no Rabbit,” Pat said I heard his voice breaking, “Please don’t cry
please, god damn it. I hate this. I hate what they are doing to you. Rabbit
please, please hold on ok? Don’t break I’m right here when you get out, don’t
break please I’m begging you.”

He kept saying as I sat on the floor under the phone crying rocking back and
forth. I felt like I couldn’t do this. Like I couldn’t have another one of them
touch me but I knew my Da was on his way there. That he was going to rape me if
I was left alone with him. That he was going to do the same things all of them
were doing. That he was going to touch me like he shouldn’t touch me.

“Ok kid I can’t leave you here to cry,” Mr. Tony said above me, “Let me have
the phone John.”

I kept crying shaking my head clutching the receiver as hard as I could.

“Rabbit please, calm down don’t give them an excuse to get you alone, please my
love, my wonderful sweet Rabbit please,” I heard Pat say on the other end
trying to keep his voice steady.

“Come on Johnathan I need you to hand me the phone ok? I need you to give me
the phone and for you to calm down otherwise I’m going to have to take you to
isolation,” Mr. Tony said quietly standing over me still.

“John, Rabbit don’t you dare let him take you to isolation, ok? Please don’t
let him do that you need to calm down,” Pat begged me.

“No,” I shook my head looking at Mr. Tony, “Please no.”

“John, give me the phone now,” He said sternly as I finally let him take the
phone away before he put it to his ear. “Hello? Who is this? Ah, all right.
Yeah, I know. I know I’m doing what I can it’s just… yeah. Ok. No, I have to
take him back until he calms down. Ok, yeah, I got it.” He said hanging up the
phone.

“Come on, let’s go take a break in the back ok?” He said as I hugged my knees
to my chest. He sighed heavily at me, “Ok John, listen to me. If I can’t get
you back there on my own I have to call up Gavin and have him bring you back
there and from talking to Josh earlier…”

I nodded my head and slowly climbed to my feet. I didn’t want Gavin near me
again not after what he had done. Especially because I still felt dirty him
having left me without some way to really wash him off of my skin. I could
still feel him too, which was why I wanted Pat so badly. Because Pat didn’t
have to touch me there to make the feeling of someone else doing it go away he
just had to hold me to tell me I was ok and then magically I was.

I stood up and Tony took me to the back where the padded room was and let me in
it, where I sat down. He stood over me and sighed heavily making me shiver. I
didn’t want him standing over top of me like that. Feeling his presence so much
bigger and stronger than my own making me feel intimidated.

He sat down, the other wall to his back using it to lean against, “You want to
tell me why you started freaking out?”

“I want to go home, I’m tired of…” I shook my head.

“Being back here isn’t a good way to avoid that just so you know. Here it’s
easier for them to get you alone at least out there you have a chance,” Mr.
Tony said.

“And where is that? In my fucking room while he…” I quit talking again shaking
my head.

“Gavin?” He asked and when I didn’t move I heard him swear under his breath,
“Ok. Alright I’ll see if I can get him to keep his hands to himself.”

“It’s not his hands that I’m so worried about,” I muttered and I swore I could
see Tony’s complexion go red in the dim light of the room.

“Can I ask what he did?” He asked me. “You’re untouchable and you’re contracted
there are still rules they have to abide by and obviously, some of them aren’t
if they are using more than just hands.”

“So, they aren’t allowed to...?” I swallowed.

“They aren’t allowed to penetrate you, no. That’s because we don’t have condoms
in here, if they did that we’re going to have retest you. Did they …?” He made
a hand gesture.

“Sam did and Neal,” I answered.

“Did you bleed? It increases any risk of…” I cut off his words.

“With Sam, the first time yeah,” I answered.

“Ok, I’ll set up the nurse to draw your blood tomorrow morning,” Mr. Tony said,
“What did Gavin do?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about that, think about that. “Are there
showers in these rooms?” I asked.

“Yeah there’s a shower in the bathroom why?” Mr. Tony asked.

“Can I use it?” I asked thinking of how nice it would feel to not have the feel
of his mouth on my penis, on my body anymore.

Mr. tony didn’t say anything but nodded his head in response, “I’ll bring you a
towel,” He said.

“Thank you,” I answered.

“I’m assuming there was some mouth and tongue involved?” He asked and I
shivered, “Ok, all right. I don’t know how you feel about that but for me
personally; that was always worse than…the anal. So, I usually figure it’s the
same for most guys. I understand completely why you would want to shower after…
after that.”

“It’s just sticky it’s like I can…still feel what they are doing and I don’t
like it,” I answered, “So I kind of just want to shower and get the feeling
gone.”

“I’ll be back, I don’t have anything you can block the door with so just be
really quiet. If one of them does come in make sure you stay in the water. If
they touch you and they get themselves wet in the process of trying to, I can
get them on misconduct ok?” He said and I nodded my head.

He left the room shutting the door behind him while I went into the bathroom
and turned on the shower. I really wanted a real shower to get him off my skin.
Once I got in the shower I started to feel calmer ever though I was still
missing Pat. I desperately missed Pat. I couldn’t stand missing him it was like
missing air. I still remember that feeling.

Every little sound made me jump and every time I closed my eyes I saw one of
them. Felt them. I was tired of them. I just wanted to go home because at least
that meant it was just the usual people I was used to maybe less, maybe just Da
and Leo instead of Da and Leo and Uncle Ben and Hank and Arthur and the Leader
and Tony and whoever else wanted a chance unless there was a party. At least
they didn’t call me Angel even if they still called me beautiful and many of
the other things were the same. At least Hank hurt and Uncle Ben. At least it
wasn’t all gentle and slow. At least it didn’t always kill me inside when I
couldn’t control my body because it was mixed with pain instead of me fighting
myself.

The door opened and I held my breath. “Hey it’s me,” Tony said, “I have a
towel. You can skip a shower tonight and tomorrow morning if you think that
will help.”

“Thanks,” I answered finishing rinsing off and then stepping out to grab the
towel. I noticed him staring at me. That look in his eyes for a nano second
causing me to close the curtain quickly my heart stopping. “Get out.” I hissed.

“I—I sorry John I didn’t mean it like that I-I… I just,” Tony took a deep
breath, “I’m going to close the bathroom door ok? All right? Cool.” He said
before closing the door loudly.

I waited a minute taking a deep breath. He had been so nice he wasn’t really
thinking that, was he? I knew that look. I knew that look so well I could sense
it without seeing it and someone who seemed like such a good person had given
it to me. Why on earth did I live in a world where it was ok to look at me like
that? I felt attacked just seeing that look in his eyes. I got dressed and
opened the door and he was sitting there his head in his hands eyes closed
breathing deeply. I sat down sitting opposite of him.

“Sorry kid,” Tony breathed without looking at me, “Sorry I don’t usually…”

“You know what I saw right?” I asked him hugging my knees to my chest.

“Yeah, it was just a flash, just barely. You have to understand what living
like this does to you,” He said slowly, “Sometimes the…they brain wash you into
having that urge ok? I will never EVER let myself act on it but it’s there. Not
for everyone but for me, it’s there and I can’t tell you why but I will never
never do anything like what they did to me.” He said still not looking at me. I
could tell he was near tears, “I am so so sorry that will never happen again
ok? Never.”

I thought about it for a minute. It made sense. Wanting to do those things
after having them done so often to you. Being told over and over and over that
they were normal even though you knew logically that wasn’t right. It made
sense that the thought would cross your mind. Hurting someone like that, “It’s
ok.” I answered.

“Are you scared of me now?” He asked me slowly looking up at me.

“No,” I answered, “Obviously, it’s …are you gay?” I asked.

“I don’t…I’m celibate,” Tony answered me honestly, “For reasons I have
accidentally made very obvious to you I think. If I was going to be intimate
though? Probably.”

“Ok,” I nodded my head thinking how that made sense. Why he would look at me
like that if he was attracted to guys. I mean, seeing anyone naked that you
found slightly attractive might make you subconsciously give them that look.
That look like you were imagining them, doing things with them and maybe not
just to them.

For a minute, I felt almost desperate to offer him something, to ask him if I
did things with him willingly if he would protect me from the others. I knew I
couldn’t though. That it would be a bad idea. That maybe it would be too much
temptation for him and maybe that’s why he really worked here. Because they
knew just like he did it wouldn’t take much for him to become one of them.

“Are you going to tell?” He asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to ruin this guy’s life. For all I knew they
would put him somewhere else somewhere worse where it got the point he couldn’t
say no if I said anything. That wasn’t a place anyone deserved to be. I knew
that feeling well enough. I knew that not being allowed to not say no, knowing
it wasn’t a right you had did things to your health. That it killed you inside.

“I won’t do that again ok?” He promised me.

“I believe you,” I answered.

“Good,” He said still not really looking at me, “Let’s get you to group, ok?”

“Ok, can I ask you something?” I asked him.

“You mean something else?” Mr. Tony said smiling still not looking at me
directly, “Yes.”

“What did he say to you?” I asked him, “The guy on the phone I mean.”

“He said to make sure that if you did have to come back here it wasn’t with one
of them,” He answered, “That I need to protect you. That I need to do better by
you.”

“Oh,” I said nodding my head.

That was my Pat. Always worried about me. Always telling people they needed to
take care of me. I wasn’t stupid I knew he had told Will the same thing, that
him and Will talked when I wasn’t there. I smiled lightly thinking about it,
how much he cared about me.

“It’s your friend, right? He sounded a little young to be anyone else,” Mr.
Tony asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“He seems like a good friend,” Mr. Tony said, “I won’t tell anyone ok?”

“Thanks,” I answered standing up using the wall to help me get to my feet.

I watched him closely waiting to see that look draw across his face again but,
it didn’t. Not even a hint of it. I wasn’t sure I felt safe with him anymore
but I knew I felt safer with him then I did with any of the others. He walked
me back out the day room.
***** Chapter 15 *****
Chapter Summary
     John's Da comes for a family meeting and ends up having a run in with
     Dr. Huntz. He ends up in an uncomfortable posistion during social
     issues group where they end up talking about rape because you know
     that's a social issue.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 261 to 292 almost in the 300's will probably work on posting
     another chapter. I usually reread what is already written which can
     take a while and then go through it again fixing pharasing and snytax
     and than yet again doing grammar and trying to make sure I get
     spelling (sometimes spell check doesn't work) so that's like 2 or
     more hours depending on how long the chapter is just for editing.
     Editing actually takes a lot of work. However I do enjoy the comments
     even if it's pointing out that I have spelling errors so tell me all
     about those errors and tell me about our boys of course and your
     options. Like someone pointed out that things feel repetivite and I
     know right now they kind of are but trust me it changes.
     Warnings: RAPE/NON-CON, mental health issues, Eating disorder, talk
     of anxiety, talk of past abuse
Gavin was standing there handing out a paper and as I walked into the room he
gave me the same look but made it so obvious that I heard Josh snort and
everyone started muttering amongst themselves as I looked at the room wondering
where I should sit before I saw the seat that Dom had empty next to him and sat
down careful to make a wide circle around Gavin so that I could stay as far
away from him as possible. Gavin walked up to me and handed me the paper his
hand reluctant to leave it as I took it into my own.

“Put it back in your pants you perv,” Josh said loudly.

“You really want to go into the back again Josh?” Mr. Tony asked.

“You can’t tell me you don’t see that,” Josh replied looking at Mr. Tony.

“Josh, calm down ok?” Mr. Tony replied and Josh nodded his head like he trusted
Mr. Tony, trusted that he knew what Josh was talking about and what was going
on.

I looked down at the sheet of paper as Gavin finally let go of his side of it,
“How important it is to sleep,” read the title of the page.

Ron looked at the page and frowned, “Sleep? You know where I live when I’m not…
“working” for lack of a better word, it’s not some place you want to sleep.”

“Yeah,” Troy sighed, “Why is this a topic?”

“Because, gentlemen sleep is important. If you aren’t getting sleep you aren’t
rested. If you aren’t rested your health suffers. If your physical health
suffers, your mental health suffers and then you end up feeling suicidal and
you end up here,” Gavin rambled waving one of the work sheets around in the air
excitedly.

“Maybe we wouldn’t feel suicidal if people would quit sticking their…” Tyler
started to say before Gavin cut him off.

“That’s enough. If you all want to really talk about that save it for later.
Because we’re going to talk about date rape later with the girls and I think
comments like that would be better suited for that conversation,” Gavin
answered.

“Fuck no,” Josh said shaking his head, “Nope, not happening.”

“What you want to talk about here without the girls but not with them? You
afraid of how they will see you? No longer big handsome older smarter Josh but
just some poor boy who got touched bad one too many times?” Gavin mocked him.

“Excuse me? Did you say that when I came here two years ago?” Josh said, “When
you came into my room during break time and you pulled down my pants and you…”
Josh said rolling his eyes clenching the sides of his chair trying to hide the
fact he was shaking with anger.

“Gavin,” Mr. Tony warned, “You need to let up. This isn’t appropriate.”

“You’re really letting them disrespect me? Really Tony?” Gavin asked, “This is
my group to felicitate and you’re going to let them treat me like that?”

“No Gavin but, you need to talk to Hannah and Karrie and change the topic for
tonight’s social issues group so if you could please do that while I take over
here that would be great,” Mr. Tony answered.

“I didn’t choose the topic they did,” Gavin answered.

“Well, get them to change it, you want to really go there? Fix it,” Mr. Tony
said.

“All right fine,” Gavin answered, “I’ll be back guys, Mr. Tony is going to take
over.” Gavin left the room.

“Ok let’s talk about why we have problems sleeping,” Mr. Tony said, “Josh?”

“Nightmares,” Josh answered simply looking at his feet his hands still gripping
the sides of his chair.

“Ok,” Mr. Tony answered, “Is there any way that someone can share with the
group that might help them deal with the nightmares?”

“I listen to music sometimes,” Ron answered, “Sometimes the same song on repeat
it just…cancels it out.”

“Does that work well?” Josh asked curious.

“Sometimes.” Ron answered, “It has to be one with a good hook usually that’s
catchy. That way my brain holds onto it.”

“I read before bed,” Troy said, “Same book, same chapter every night before I
go to bed. It’s a newish book Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone. I read the
first chapter after I read the one I was on. It’s the boy who lived that’s the
name of the chapter. I don’t know why but it helps me.”

“I’ve heard of that book,” Dillon said, “Is it any good?”

“Well,” Troy said, “it’s about this boy who he has this horrible life, man.
Like his parents died and so he had to go live with his Aunt and Uncle and they
keep him in a cupboard under the stairs and make him sleep there. They don’t
treat him very well and sometimes when he gets mad and stuff these weird things
happen so they kind of hate him for it. And then just, like one day this letter
comes addressed to him like even saying the he lives in the cupboard under the
stairs and his Uncle takes it away before he can read it and gets rid of it.
However, because it didn’t get it, more and more copies of the letter show up
until they are driven from the house because they really don’t want his to get
this letter, right? Finally, the people sending the letter send a person after
him to find him and it turns out Harry that’s the kids name, is a wizard. And
it’s about him entering this world where he can control things, he has a
destiny and is famous and rich and he has people who care about him. So, he
ends up going away to this school where he’s like pretty famous and it’s about
these crazy adventures he has with his friends he makes at school. It’s
actually really cool.”

“It sounds pretty cool,” Dom commented and I nodded my head.

“There’s this old like headmaster guy and I don’t know, he’s like cool. He says
a lot of cool things. One thing he says I can’t remember the real quote but
it’s something like “It doesn’t not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live,”
Troy said.

“He also says a person can never have enough socks,” Burgess said smiling.

“Well man have you ever ran out of socks?” Troy asked, “It’s a bitch in the
winter I’m telling you what.”

“Yes, actually I have and I see your point,” Burgess said.

“Anyone else have any suggestions?” Mr. Tony asked, “John what do you do about
nightmares?”

I smiled thinking of it, “When I was little I would usually wake up and I used
to build a castle. A place where nothing bad could get to me. I taught it to
James, my little brother when…” I shook my head thinking of it, “I would pick
out every detail I could think of. It’s an old trick I used a couple times for
different reasons.”

“For them?” Troy asked me.

He didn’t need to elaborate. We all knew who they were. I just nodded my head.
It had gotten harder as I had gotten older to use that trick but when I was
little it had worked so well. I’m still not sure what changed other than my
body, my mind maturing getting older, more trapped in an adult world with adult
worries and obligations.

“What are other reasons people might have trouble sleeping?” Mr. Tony asked,
“Please don’t be graphic if it’s something of that nature try to choose your
language carefully I’m sure you can find a politically correct way to put
things.” Mr. Tony added looking at Josh.

“I am not a politician. I will not lie. I tell it like it is,” Josh answered.

“And while we all enjoy how truthful you are I am just saying be delicate with
your words Josh,” Mr. Tony said.

“Anxiety,” Burgess said.

“Anything help you with that?” Mr. Tony asked.

“Not really, sometimes I try and count in my head, or turn on a fan, listen to
the furnace or the washer and dryer running,” Burgess answered.

“I have trouble sleeping often. I have medication for it though otherwise I
don’t think I’d sleep at all,” Dom said.

“Why is that?” Mr. Tony asked.

Dom pursed his lips together for a second thinking, “Well, a lack of personal
space and restricted movement.”

“What?” Troy asked.

“He means he usually has a…” Josh stopped speaking as Mr. Tony shot him a look,
“What I mean is usually he’s being held very tightly?”

“Da,” Dom said nodding his head.

“Yeah, it’s…it feels almost like a snake coiling around you, squeezing you.
It’s very stressful,” I said.

“I can’t say I’ve ever had that problem,” Tyler said.

“Be glad because he’s right it’s…unbearable,” Dom said.

Eric snorted, “Like the five knows anything about what our lives are like?”

“Eric don’t start again or I will throw you in isolation, he can’t help that he
was born into the family he was born into ok?” Mr. Tony warned.

“He really thinks cuddling is that horrible? Man, what I wouldn’t give to have
someone that cared that much about me,” Eric hissed looking at me.

“They don’t do it because they fucking care Eric. They do it because they know
how bad it hurts ok?” Dom said looking at him, “They do it because they know it
makes you hate yourself.”

“Your defending him? His 100,000-dollar ass? Bitch please, how much are you
worth a night?”

“No numbers ok that’s it! I’m not sitting here and watching you tear each other
apart. You are all in the same boat. It doesn’t matter who is worth how much
money you think any one of you is really any better off than anyone else? Eric,
you might be the bottom of the food chain but that doesn’t mean John is your
enemy, trust me. Now you need to stop trying to pick a fight with him. Does he
look threatening to you at all? Look at him, he’s a kid Eric just like you.
Hell, he’s at least three years younger than you are so why does he intimidate
you?” Mr. Tony asked.

“He doesn’t man, all right? Just like it’s bullshit that because he’s got a
sweet little white ass and he’s with his real dad he’s worth that much to these
perverts,” Eric said looking at me, “I’m not saying it’s his fault but he could
share a bit of that cash he gets if he wanted to.”

I felt like I had been hit by a boulder. He thought that I saw any of that
money? He thought they paid me to have sex with them. That was sick.

“I don’t see any of it,” I said looking at him, “That’s is what it’s about for
you, money? You can have all the fucking money because you know what? I don’t
want it. I don’t want any of it. I would rather it was some strange dude who
brought me off my parents or stole me from somewhere then my own Da, the person
who is supposed to actually care about me. The person who once did care about
me and now he just…” I shook my head, “You will never understand how hard it is
to breathe when the one person you’re supposed to be able to trust to protect
you is the one hurting you.”

“Like we don’t have family problems?” Troy said, “Our parents did hurt us
that’s why we are where we are.”

“He’s not saying it’s worse, he’s just saying it’s different,” Dom said,
“It’s…until you’ve been there with someone who…,” Dom paused and closed his
eyes, “Who knows how to make it hurt without hitting you, you can’t understand
it.”

“Wait,” Eric said his face a mixture of disgust and shock, “Are you saying you
get off on it?”

“What? No, that’s not what I said,” Dom answered quickly.

“You do. Don’t you? I mean yeah sometimes they find a spot that feels nice but
I don’t usually like it like it. Sometimes it just happens but the way you are
making it sound is like you know... that’s just sick,” Eric sneered.

“Eric enough, isolation now!” Mr. Tony barked pointing at the door.

“Come on man!” Eric said, “I was just asking a question!”

“No, you weren’t you were making judgements which is something no one in the
room has the right to do nor needs to hear from anyone else so isolation now!”
Mr. Tony said, “You guys have 10 minutes before visitation I need John and Ron
to stay in the day room because you both have family meetings today with your
parents and social workers so come back here guys. Don’t ask me what movie is
going on Hannah is in charge of that today.”

Everyone stood up and stretched leaving the room slowly one at a time. I sat
there. If my family was coming, did that mean my mum would be at the meeting
with my social worker too? That I would finally get to see her after nearly
three weeks of being home after nearly three weeks of constantly being on edge
and wishing I could see her, talk to her cry in her arms about how unfair all
of it was? The thought made me nervous thinking of the medication they had
probably put her on, how she wouldn’t be herself. I sighed and looked around
noticing that Dom was the only other person in the room.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

He nodded his head not really looking at anything, “I don’t know why I tried to
explain it. I should have known he wouldn’t get it. He’s a one all ones are
treated just about the same hardly ever do their handlers treat them nicely. A
lot of the people with ones are all about the pain, not like…” Dom trailed off.

“He just doesn’t get it, there’s nothing wrong with you,” I said looking at
him.

“If you were looking at your own reflection would you say the same thing?” Dom
asked me looking into my eyes.

“That’s different,” I answered.

“How is that any different?” Dom asked, “You know exactly what I’m talking
about when I say sometimes it hurts worse when they don’t hit. When they say
those things when they’re above you and they’re making you look into their
faces and they’re…”
“Could we not?” I asked him quietly.

“Yeah,” Dom nodded his head, “Yeah sorry.”

“It’s ok I just I have to go and sit in a room with him shortly apparently so I
really don’t want to have to think about it if I don’t have to,” I explained.

“No, I get it, it’s fine I’m sorry,” Dom said.

I felt bad. I felt guilty that he had been so close to telling me what it felt
like even though I knew, that he had been so close to opening up in a way that
he never had before and I had shut him down because I couldn’t deal with it in
the moment. Because I knew I had to go sit in a room with my Da where he would
probably want to hug me and where if he was alone with me he’d want to kiss me
and touch me in ways that no father should want to touch his son, his child
regardless of their gender.

“I’m going to go and use the bathroom, if you have to go I’d go now because
they’ll take you to the offices for your meeting, no bathrooms down that way,”
Dom said, “Good luck.”

“Thanks,” I responded.

I didn’t want to see my Da but I wanted desperately to see my mum. I had missed
her so much and she had to know things weren’t going well for us at home
especially for me. I still remembered the hallway the way her eyes had flashed
with fearful understanding when she had walked up to us alone. How she had seen
the look in his eyes, how she knew. I didn’t want to be without her. Without
her and Pat I felt terribly alone.

I sat there and waited with Ron as everyone else got up and moved around
getting their things or using the bathroom. I felt anxious. Tony came and got
me and Ron and we left the unit silently walking down the hall to where Liz my
social worker and another person were waiting.

“Hi,” Liz said smiling at me, “Your dad is here for your family meeting.”

“And my mum?” I asked hoping the answer would be yes.

“Well, you know your mum is already here but I don’t think it would be a good
idea at this time for you two to see each other. Your mom is still struggling
with her delusions a little bit but, the medication seems to be helping so,
hopefully soon. However, once you start medication tomorrow if you start
feeling better you’ll be out in no time,” Liz said smiling hopefully at me, “So
it’s just you and your Dad today but that’s ok. I’ll take you to him and then I
have to go grab some files and talk to some people and then I’ll be back. So,
you two will have some time to catch up,” She said as Tony used the key to let
us out of the unit and we started walking down the hall.

I didn’t want to be alone with him. I wanted to tell her that but, she thought
my mum’s delusions were that my Da was a bad person and she thought I shared
those same delusions with her. So, I figured it was best not to say anything at
all. She opened a door and there he was, sitting in a chair just waiting and
when the door opened he looked up and smiled at me.

“Hi,” He said standing looking at Liz and extending his hand, “I’m Connor,
John’s Da.”

“I’m Liz I’m his social worker, I have to go grab somethings and I’ll be back
in a little while,” Liz said smiling at him.

“Ok,” He said, “Is it going to take long? It’s visiting hours and I have to go
see my wife I’m sure you understand…”

“Yes, of course, it won’t take my long at all maybe fifteen minutes and then we
can get started on going over his treatment plan signing release forms,
medication orders that sort of stuff, it should be pretty quick. I’ll be back
as soon as I can,” She said smiling before she left the room shutting the door
behind her.

“Hi,” I said standing near the door folding my arms in front of my chest not
wanting to come any closer to him knowing what he would do to me if I did.

“So how is everything?” He asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. He knew exactly how things were. That was a part of
the reason he put me there after all right? So, I could be raped into never
trying to kill myself, to disobey him again.

“Speak to me, use your words,” he said.

I swallowed, “It’s ok. I mean I guess.”

“You’re lying baby. I can see it in your face. Do you want to come home yet?”
He asked me.

I nodded my head. I really did he was easier than dealing with all of the
different orderlies, Gavin and Neal and Sam and Levi who I hadn’t even really
had contact with yet. Not only that but Leo was my doctor and he had to have
known that, “Did you know he worked here?” I asked him.

“Well, yes,” he answered honestly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked him.

“Because I never expected you to try and kill yourself maybe?” He said, “I’m
sorry you did this to yourself. That you thought I was that horrible you wanted
to leave forever.”

“It wasn’t just you, it was everything Da don’t you get it? I feel so alone the
fact that you won’t let me see mum…” I thought about mentioning Pat but decided
not to, “The fact that you contracted me to him when you know how he makes me
feel. It was everything.”

“You really hate me that much?” He asked me.

“I don’t hate you Da,” I lied, “I just felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore.”

He stood up and it took everything in me not to back up in response. Everything
in me to try and stand my ground as my heart started to race, “Are you sure you
don’t hate me?” He asked me.

I wasn’t sure what he was playing at. What he was trying to do. If he was
looking for an excuse to yell at me or beat me or just walk out and leave me
there. I exhaled heavily trying to calm myself as he started walking towards
me.

“No I don’t hate you,” I answered. Because truthfully, I only half hated him. I
half hoped he would come back, the Da he had been before. The Da that I thought
he was but had never really been.

“You promise baby?” he asked me inches from my face, I could feel his breath on
my skin and I knew what he wanted. I didn’t want it but I knew fighting him
here wasn’t an option I had. I nodded my head and closed my eyes as I felt his
lips touch mine, his tongue pushing its way into my mouth as he forced me back
gently into the wall his hands going to the snaps on my pants to undo them.

I whimpered under his kiss. I didn’t want him doing that not here, not
anywhere. I didn’t want him touching me there. It wasn’t right and it hurt in
so many ways he couldn’t understand for whatever reason. I wanted to scream to
tell him no and all I could do was let his tongue brush the roof of my mouth as
his hands started touching me started making my body respond.

“God I’ve missed you so much baby, I mean Will’s been fun he’s been a good boy
but, he’s nothing like you,” he moaned into my neck.

My eyes went wide and I tried to push him away. Will? He just said Will. He’d
been raping my little brother while I’d been in the hospital for two days? How
many times had he done it? Had he been treating him like he treated me? Keeping
him trapped in his bedroom naked so he could come to him whenever he wanted? I
couldn’t breathe. At first I thought it was because I was that angry but then I
realized I was starting to hyperventilate as he pressed against me his hands
still rubbing as I tried to push him off of me.

“Calm,” he said, “Just relax I still love you more.”

I shook my head afraid if I spoke my voice would be unsteady that I would
scream at him. That I would tell him how disgusting I thought he was. How much
I hated him how he had no right to do that to him ever. How he had no right to
do that to anyone.
“Come on, just relax let it happen I’ll make sure I clean it up real nice ok?”
He said slowly getting to knees and I realized what he was planning to do.

I shoved at his face hard pushing him away from me with as much force as I
could manage as I grabbed my pants and tried to do up the snaps quickly before
I opened the door, “We have a family meeting you leave this room and they will
think you are nuts. You don’t want to cause trouble here because we know
exactly what goes on in the back room. Don’t be stupid you want me or one of
them?”

“Da,” I pleaded shaking my head, “Please.”

“I’m right here baby, let me make you feel good,” he said, “I won’t punish you
for pushing me away I know you’re stressed that being here is stressful but you
have to be nice, ok? Knowing you feel good makes me feel good and that makes me
happy. You want to make me happy, don’t you? Especially if it means saving Will
some trouble later?”

I thought about it. I wasn’t sure I could trust him on that because I wasn’t
there, I wasn’t home to make sure he kept his promise like I usually was. If it
would save him one time today though I would do it. I would do anything for any
of them. I swallowed.
“You promise?” I asked.

“Yeah baby, I promise you let me do this I won’t touch him again today,” he
whispered grabbing my hips and pulling them towards him, “No fighting ok? Just
let it happen.”

I looked at him and nodded my head before I put my hands in his hair letting
him know it was ok that I would let him do that no matter how much I hated it.
He smiled at me before he started pumping me taking me into his mouth making me
gasp. It hurt, again in ways I can’t explain my whole body shaking as he kept
pulling me closer and close with his tongue and his mouth as I bit into my
cheek to keep myself silent. I felt the pressure reach its peak my body about
to give him what he wanted.

“I…” I barely managed to stutter before he deep throated me sending me over the
edge making me cum down his throat as he finished me as he swallowed. He didn’t
let me go instead he held me steady so that I didn’t fall to the ground when he
pulled away but instead he held me as I gasped trying to catch my breath.

“Yeah you did, didn’t you good boy?” He said kissing my hair and ear as I
panted, “Let’s get your pants done up and we’ll sit down and wait ok?” He said
and all I could do was nod my head hoping he would keep his promise that by
letting him get what he wanted he would leave Will alone that night. As he
helped me over to a chair and did up my pants for me sitting in a chair next to
me.

He continued to kiss on my neck and ears until he heard someone moving outside
of the room and pulled his seat away from me a little bit before the door
opened and Liz came in smiling holding a big binder with my name on the side of
it.

“So how are you Mr. McGregor?” Liz asked looking at my Da.

“I’m fine, I’m worried about my son obviously and wife but otherwise I’m fine.
Busy, I have other kids at home.” He answered.

“Yeah the chart says he has 10 brothers and sisters?” Liz said opening up the
binder.

“Yes, he’s the oldest our youngest two are 9 months old,” My Da answered her,
“We have a nanny of course who will be staying on when my wife gets home
because I’m sure taking care of all of the little ones probably overwhelmed her
and caused her break down. She’s actually been diagnosed with postpartum
psychosis.”

“I see, Dr. Swartzman will call you later to talk about John but for the most
part he believes it’s depression and anxiety induced that he obviously has a
predisposition to. Other than your wife and son is there a history of any
mental health problems in the family?” Liz asked.

“My father, John’s grandfather had bipolar disorder,” Da answered.

“Really? That’s interesting,” Liz wrote something down, “Did John tell you why
he tried to kill himself?”

“No, he hasn’t,” My Da answered.

“You want to tell him John? Or do you want me to tell him?” She asked me and
all I did was shrug my shoulders.

I wasn’t sure what her answer was going to be but, I didn’t want to speak to
him. I didn’t want to be in the same room with him longer than I had to be. “Ok
I’ll tell him. John says he feels like he’s not human like people in his life
don’t view him as human like he’s tired. Do you know why he said that? Because
I can’t find anything in his chart that would indicate abuse and if he has a
history he hasn’t disclosed,” Liz asked my Da.

“Well, we moved to the states because he had a football couch who molested him
back at home in London. So, we moved here to get him a fresh start. He was
around seven when it happened and he went to therapy but wasn’t responding well
anymore so we moved here and he did see someone a couple times but the fit
didn’t really go I guess because he never really opened up to her. If you have
any suggestions for a new therapist I’d love to get some recommendations from
you of course.”

“Is this true John?” She asked looking at me.

I nodded my head. I knew that was the lie he told everyone. It did explain my
behavior and took the blame off of him and put it somewhere else. On some
imagined person that didn’t really exists. What was I going to do? Tell them he
was lying?

Tell them he was the one who snuck into my room every night after my mum went
to sleep and made me lay with him naked and touch me until he got so excited he
had to leave the room to probably finish himself off so he wouldn’t hurt me?
Was I supposed to tell them that on my 8th birthday was the first time he raped
me and then carried me upstairs and held me and cuddled me while I cried
telling me next time it wouldn’t hurt as bad as he told me how much he loved me
and how special I was to him?

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Liz asked me quietly her voice trying to be soft
and soothing.

“I don’t know,” I said shrugging my shoulders not looking at her, “I mean it’s
personal. I don’t know you.”

“Ok I understand that, however knowing that helps us help you,” she said.

“Well, I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about that,” I said still not looking at
her.

“Ok well we have some papers you need to sign Mr. McGregor, just for medication
saying we can give it to him, medical records for his other doctor’s stuff like
that,” She said pulling papers out of the file which my Da signed quickly, “Ok
we should be good for you to go back to the Unit John,” She said putting the
papers back into the file.

“Ok,” I said standing up.

“Ok Champ I’ll see you later all right? I’ll call you let you know how mum is
doing,” he said smiling at me.

“Ok,” I said.

“Oh yes, one more thing I think John mentioned,” Liz said, “He has a friend
that he says offers him emotional support that I think it would benefit him to
have on his call list. Patrick, isn’t it John?” She asked me.

“huh, yeah,” I said.

“John, champ I thought we agreed Patrick wasn’t good for you right now,” Da
answered.

“We’re just friends,” I replied, “Please Da? I feel so alone it’s just a phone
call.”

“No, I’m sorry I can’t let that happen. I think he confuses you,” My Da said.

“Confuses me about what? He’s my best friend Da my BEST FRIEND, I need him. I
don’t have him or mum right now and I don’t think you get that I need someone,”
I said trying not to cry.

“You have me,” My Da answered, “Shouldn’t I be enough bab...bud?” He said
catching himself before he used what he called me private when no one else was
around.

“With all due respect, Mr. McGregor in these situations usually it’s important
to offer all the emotional support that’s avaible and I think him being able to
talk to Patrick would be a good thing for him right now especially with his mum
unreachable,” Liz said, “I would recommend you allow them to speak on the phone
is there a reason why you don’t want them talking?”

“Patrick does drugs, my son is a recovering alcoholic he doesn’t need to be
exposed to Patrick’s delinquent behavior. I don’t need him falling back into
old patterns,” Da responded, “And they are a little too close if you know what
I mean.”

“What do you mean by a little too close are you saying they have an intimate
relationship?” Liz asked looking at me.

“We don’t we’re just friends!” I said exasperated.

“If they did have a close relationship like that would that be a problem for
you?” Liz asked my Da.

“With another boy? No. With Patrick and his behavior? Yes, I see that a problem
I am not homophobic my brother is gay and am fine with him,” My Da answered
Liz.

I snorted and rolled my eyes in spite of myself. My Uncle wasn’t gay not
conventionally gay at least not according to Will. I mean my Uncle never hung
out with adults unless he was raping children with them or at work. Any time he
was away for long periods of time he was out of the country doing god knows
what god knows where to god knows who and that to me didn’t sound like a gay
man at all. Gay men at least spent time with other men their own age at least
they had real friends that they didn’t rape children with.

“What was that for? Is there a problem John?” Liz asked me.

“He’s not gay,” I said.

“John, yes your uncle Ben is gay and I have no problem with that. I know it
might be hard to believe because you don’t really see him around a lot of
people but your uncle is very gay believe it or not,” My Da answered, “I’m sure
you understand what gay is right? I mean you’re 13.”

“Yes, Da I know what gay is and he is not gay he is a pedo…”

Da snapped at me, “Where did you hear that word?”

“Did he just say pedophile?” Liz asked looking between us.

“I read it somewhere,” I said.

“Has your uncle ever touched you or behaved inappropriately towards you?” Liz
asked the worry in her voice evident.

“No,” I lied quickly, “It’s just it makes sense he’s never around adults he’s
always with me or my little siblings.”

“He spends plenty of time with adults he had a boyfriend in Daytona that he
just broke up with before you guys came home. He is not a pedophile,
pedophile’s hurt children,” Da said.

“Is there any other reason you think he might be attracted to younger people
John?” Liz asked.

“No,” I shook my head looking at my feet. I didn’t mean to open this can of
worms by asking to talk to Pat. This was stupid, “Look, Da it was stupid. I’m
sorry I said anything about any of it ok. Forget letting me talk to him, forget
letting me talk to mum forget everything and I’ll just stay here and I’ll
fucking rot ok? Will you be happy then?”

“No, that doesn’t make me happy. If you really want to talk to him that badly I
want to know why,” Da said, “You can give me a valid reason why that I actually
believe then I’ll allow it.”

“You can’t just believe what I say? That he’s my BEST FRIEND and he makes me
feel like I’m going to be ok? That’s not good enough for you? I had a
girlfriend while I was in Montana and you think that Pat and I are having some
crazy love affair, really? And people think I’m crazy?” I said trying to sound
as convincing as I could, “He helps me. Ok, he helps me feel like not drinking
is better than starting up again. Please just trust me, I need him. I need to
be able to talk to him.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about this addiction problem he had before?” Liz asked
both Da and I.

“Because I got better, ok? I went to rehab back in Montana it was a day
center,” I answered.

“I was made aware of that through my PI so I didn’t think it would matter as
well. I should have disclosed and I didn’t think about it I’m sorry,” My Da
answered.

“Do you think that’s because of your sexual abuse that you suffered?” Liz asked
me.

“Probably, when you’re drunk you don’t have to feel anything if you don’t want
to. It’s almost like it doesn’t matter. Being that numb that you forget things,
It’s heaven. You can’t understand that how great it is to not have to feel, not
have to remember.” I answered.

“Ok,” Liz said nodding her head, “Have you relapsed since you got back?”

“No, I wanted to, I wanted to so badly, so bad I could taste it. I wanted to
drink so badly I could feel the burn of it but, no. No. I tried to kill myself
instead and you want to know why? I was told if I did withdrawal might kill me
and that’s a death I don’t want my brothers and sisters to see,” I answered.

“Yet you were ok with one of them walking in on you and finding you bleeding to
death?” Liz asked me.

“He wasn’t supposed to see that,” I answered.

“Who was? Who did you think would find you?” She asked me.

I just shook my head. I wasn’t talking about that. About those feelings
admitting I had lied to him just half an hour before admitting that I really
did hate him and I had wanted my death to make him suffer. I had wanted him to
know he had caused it, that it was his fault I was gone but that I was free and
he could no longer control me. I wasn’t going to talk about how I felt I
deserved to be dead how I thought the world would be better off without me
because I couldn’t protect them anyway.

“Ok,” She said, “Well I think we should let your Dad go so he can visit with
your mom before visiting time is over.”

“Ok, I’ll see you later,” I said looking at him as I stood up.

“Ok bud,” Da said, “I’ll see you. I’ll let your mum know you love her and that
you say hi ok?”

I nodded my head and stood by the door as Liz opened it, “Mr. McGregor if you
just follow that red line on the floor it will take you back to the cafeteria
where you can wait for kids visiting time to be over and your wife should join
you down there.”

“Thank you for your help Liz and yes, you can call him,” My Da said answering
finally the question of whether I could talk to Pat or not.

“Thank you,” I said as he flashed me a look that said I owed him and I owed him
big.

“Come on let’s go,” Liz said to me opening the door.

We walked to the unit in mostly silence and I sighed as she turned the lock,
“Thank you, for convincing him that he should let me talk to Pat.” I said.

She smiled at me, “I think that was all you John, you did good. You advocated
for yourself and you did it well.” she said as she opened the door onto the
unit and I went back to the day room to wait with everyone else who didn’t have
visitors.

Everyone was sitting down and some people were playing card games while
everyone else watched some movie I don’t recall what it was but it was
something old from the 80’s or early 90’s from when we were younger. Eric
glared at me slightly as I walked in but otherwise no one else paid me any mind
until I sat down in the corner when one of the girls, Debbie looked up at me.

“Hi,” She said smiling, “How did your visit go?”

“Ok,” I answered, “You have anyone come see you?”

“No,” She said shaking her head, “My mom gets busy, she’s a trauma nurse so she
can’t always make visiting hours but that’s ok.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said.

“Who came to see you?” She asked me.

“My Da,” I said, “Family meeting of some kind I guess otherwise I don’t think
he would have been here.”

“What about your mom?” She asked me politely curiously.

“She’s on the adult ward right now so no, she didn’t come,” I answered.

Her eyes went wide, “Really? What happened that you both ended up in here?” She
asked me.

“I don’t know. Just stuff I guess,” I answered.

“Oh,” She said nodding her head, “Are you off of restrictions?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered, “You’re asking to see if I can go to gym, right?”

“Yeah, I don’t know you look like you might play soccer and if we can get
enough people that are interested they will let us play or kick ball,” She said
smiling, “I like soccer.”

“You say that because of my accent?” I asked her.

“Maybe,” She shrugged her shoulders, “Do you?”

“I used to back when I lived in London yeah, it was a big sport for free time
at school,” I answered, “It’s been a while though.”

“Well gives the rest of us a chance then I guess,” She said laughing lightly,
“A lot of good teams in Britain.”

“Clubs? Yeah some of them are really great but if you’re looking for a good
football match you should check out some of Spain’s teams,” I said.

“Really? Not a home fan?” She asked me smiling.

“I like some of them but, I don’t really follow too closely anymore. I’m busy a
lot of the time,” I answered.

“Doing what?” She asked.

“Well, I was in summer school until I came back and then just kind of haven’t
had a chance to watch a lot of TV,” I answered.

“Summer school? Why trying to get ahead? You seem too smart to have almost
failed out,” She said.

“No, I did I was behind,” I answered.

“Why?” She asked.

“Missed a couple months, not a big deal,” I answered.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “what have you been doing besides not
watching TV?”

“Just stuff,” I answered trying to be vague and keep the conversation friendly
because I wasn’t about to tell her that I was too busy trapped in a room naked
with some ugly disgusting man over top of me moaning dirty things into my ear,
using me to gain sexual pleasure.

“Oh ok,” she said letting the topic drop, “You want to play cards?” She asked
me.

“No, I’m all right thanks,” I answered.

“You don’t talk a lot usually, do you?” She asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders and she laughed, “I’ll take that as a no, you’re the
strong silent type?”

“Not really,” I answered, “I just don’t speak unless…I don’t know.”

“When you do sometimes you don’t feel like it matters,” She said suddenly her
eyes sad, “I get that.”

“I have plenty of people that listen to me just not the ones that really need
to listen is all,” I answered.

“You mean like your doctor?” She asked me.

“Well yeah. I guess so,” I answered.

“Yeah, my doctor doesn’t listen to me either, he’s a weirdo, Dr. Swartzman,”
She said.

“That’s my doctor,” I answered before I felt sick to my stomach thinking of
him, of Leo and how I was stuck in here with him in charge of me which was why
I had made the decision to try and kill myself in the first place, because I
didn’t want him in control of me.

“He’s such a weirdo, right? Or is it just me that thinks that?” She asked me
smiling.

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“After visiting we have dinner, how come I haven’t seen you there?” She asked
my looking for something else to talk about again.

I guess my less than forthcoming demeanor was a bit of a hindrance for her. I
just didn’t know what to do around girls I wasn’t related to. it felt awkward
to me. Socializing with them even with Heather when we had quit talking it had
felt awkward. Like I didn’t know what to talk about because they were too old
to be interested in Barbie’s and tea party but not really old enough to want to
talk about sex at least not with guys. Music was a big thing that Heather and I
had talked about mostly, how she was into boy bands, Backstreet boys and 98
degrees and how I didn’t really listen to those bands but listened mostly to
rock radio stations bands like Tool and Soundgarden, Garbage and of course
Nirvana and Korn.

“I’m on restriction I guess, because I’m new or something?” I answered.

“Oh, so you probably won’t be going down to the gym then,” She said, “That’s ok
you should be off restriction soon. Usually most people are off after they have
been here three days.”

“Good to know,” I said.

“Ok everyone who is going down to the café for dinner line up,” Gavin said
coming into the room and basically everyone go up to line up next to the unit
door besides Burgess and me.

“I’ll see you later at social issues,” Debbie said smiling as she stood up her
messy bun bouncing lightly as she walked over to the line standing next to
another girl and Tara. I saw one of them point at me and she smiled.

So, that was what that was about? She was trying to get information on me?
Figure out what was up? I thought that was kind of sneaky and rude. Burgess saw
me looking at them and laughed.

“What?” I asked confused.

“They think you’re cute,” Burgess answered me.

“How can you tell?” I asked.

“The way she pointed at you and smiled really big. The way she was trying to be
so nice. They have the hots for you I think they were trying to get a sense of
your likes and dislikes,” Burgess answered.

“I huh, I’m not interested,” I said looking at him, “How did you get all of
that from her body language.”

“She’s a girl just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I don’t read girl. Why don’t
you?” He asked me.

“I don’t have a lot of time with them I guess?” I answered, “I go to an all-
boys school St. Matthews and I have mostly brothers. I have three little
sisters the oldest of which is only five.”

“Ah, and you like boys,” he said.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“You’re gay, right?” He asked, “Or is he just like the one you think?”

“The one?” I said getting even more confused.

“Like that one person it doesn’t matter what sex they are they just…do
something for you,” Burgess answered.

“I guess, he’s …,” I sighed thinking about it, “He makes me feel normal. Like
they don’t matter.”

“So, he’s your one,” Burgess said, “I had a foster sister for six months last
year. We thought about it. Having sex. It didn’t work out she left before we
got the chance and I was, am property anyway so it’s not like I’m allowed to.
How did your visit go?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to talk about him. Or that, “I have
permission to talk to Pat now.”

“And what did you have to do to get that?” Burgess asked me.

“Nothing. I don’t think the two correlate this time. However, he basically
confirmed what I was afraid of. That without me there my brothers are in
trouble, big trouble and so I …,” I shrugged my shoulders.

“That’s fucking bull,” Burgess said, “Did he say he wouldn’t touch anyone
anymore? Because he will.”

“Oh, I know he will. He said he’d give him a break one time. That he would
leave Will alone tonight if I…,” I felt my face grow hot, “Anyway, so did
anyone else really have visitors?”

“Some people, Ron did, Dom, Dillion,” Burgess answered, “You can call me Adam
by the way.”

“Really?” I asked raising an eyebrow at him curiously.

“Yeah, you have to earn my first name. I trust you enough. Everyone knows
that’s my name anyway now,” He said.

“Why are you so protective of your name?” I asked.

“It’s the only thing I really have,” He answered, “Not even the clothes I have
when I’m allowed to have them are mine. Usually they keep me naked.”

“I hate that,” I answered, “I mean usually I get clothes and stuff but
sometimes my Da he…he’s not very nice.”

“Why are you so proper about the whole thing? You can talk about you know it’s
not like I don’t have any idea what they do to you, what he does to you.” Adam
said.

“Because I have younger siblings that don’t need to hear me talk about it and I
don’t like talking about it,” I answered.

“Maybe that’s a part of the reason why you’re here, why you tried to kill
yourself because you don’t talk about it,” Adam said, “Just giving an opinion.”
He added when he saw the look on my face.

“Maybe but, that’s my business, isn’t it? Maybe I don’t talk about it because
talking about it isn’t going to make it stop. Nothing I do will make it stop
and I don’t know what I did in the first place to make it start,” I answered.

“You didn’t do anything. None of us did anything to make this happen. It feels
like we did I know it does I feel it all the time but how could anything we
have ever done been bad enough to deserve the way they treat us?” Adam said, “I
mean think about it.”

“I don’t know, some of the stuff he says just…” I swallowed hard as the dinner
cart pulled up outside that held our meals and someone brought them in and set
them down at the table in front of us.

“They say stuff like that to me too if I’m catching your drift but, I guess it
doesn’t have the same effect on me?” He asked.

“Well, you aren’t related to them, are you?” I asked.

“Very true that could be why,” He answered.

“You said you had a foster sister? I thought they didn’t let single men
foster,” I asked.

“No, they do if you know the right people, Chase has varied tastes and he took
her mostly for the money and for when he was in that mood. He got Eli to
replace me I think. I was eight when I came to him. So, it’s been long enough
that when I get out he’ll probably pass me off to someone else. If I’m really
unlucky they’ll put me back on the market and I’ll get shipped somewhere that I
won’t ever leave. Like Japan or Thailand,” Burgess said.

“What happens in Thailand?” I asked.

“They make a lot of snuff there, hard core BDSM shit too. They’ll use you until
your videos quit making good money and then they’ll sell you on the street for
like 20 USD a pop. To whoever. Once you’re hooked on the drugs and basically
can’t control your bowels anymore they’ll give you to the highest bidder on the
what they call the red market and they’ll do whatever they want to you and
you’re never seen again,” Adam answered.

“So, they kill you?” I asked.

“Yeah that’s a one problem though. You don’t have to worry about that,” Adam
said biting into his fish stick.

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” I said, “My Da wanted to take me to Japan before we
left.”

“A pretty little thing like you? He wasn’t taking you there for the red market
he was taking you there for production, to have you star in some stuff. You
know how much money those videos make? A lot. With someone that looks like you
a lot more,” Adam told me.

I crossed my arms over my chest. Someone who looked like me? What the hell was
that supposed to mean? That’s what they all said that I was cute or beautiful
or handsome or hot or whatever else you could think of. That I was worth
something. That there was something about me that made me appealing to them. I
didn’t feel hungry looking at my food. I didn’t want to ever eat again. I
wanted to disappear. To become nothing.

Adam looked at me closely and sighed setting down his fish stick, “I’m sorry
ok? Really I am I didn’t mean…”

I cut him off, “It’s fine it’s whatever. I mean it’s true, isn’t it? Someone
that’s pretty like me is worth a lot of cash and that’s all that matters,”
Pushing away from the table and standing up.

“No, John wait. I’m sorry I said that ok? It wasn’t fair,” Adam said, “Really
that wasn’t fair for me to say that. It’s not like it’s anything you can help.”

“I don’t want to be…that. Any of that I just want to be normal,” I said.

“You are normal,” he said.

“No, no I’m not and everyone knows it. I barely look like a guy even I’m so
thin and hairless and I don’t know why maybe that’s why they hate me? Because
I’m like half chick or some shit?” I hissed.

“John, you are all 13-year-old boy trust me,” Adam said shaking his head, “I
didn’t have a lot of facial hair or anything up until around last year
sometime. Puberty is different for everyone trust me.”

“When you say videos, you mean like the ones I’ve been in before or different?”
I asked scared of his answer.

“Well,” Adam said, “You really want to know?”

“Well, I’ve never been in like a real one just with Hank or Tony with a camera
in my face,” I answered.

“Well, they do have like a real studio over there with like real make up and
lighting and it’s just like nuts. They’ll give you Viagra so you can keep it up
so you can do the same take repeatedly and that gets really painful after a
while. Sometimes they do like real BDSM shit, sex swings, arm binders, I was
once on a set not in the movie, I was a pleasure extra meaning I wasn’t on
camera I was just there for them to play with. But anyway, the star was this
kid. They had the kid wrapped in plastic so he couldn’t really move or
anything. The whole thing is just like really sick,” Adam answered me.

“I’ve been huh,” I looked down into my plate, “the swings make it very hard to
move. To do anything.”

“Oh,” Adam said nodding his head in understanding.

“Yeah when I said I’d been whipped and stuff before I wasn’t lying,” I
answered.

“I didn’t think you were,” Adam said, “Usually they aren’t that mean not to
5’s.”

“It’s probably the guys that are around me I guess,” I answered, “It’s mostly
my Da and his friends like my Uncle, Hank Kingly, The leader, people like
that.”

“They are pretty hard core but you haven’t met alabaster or Jones I’m assuming.
They are hurt core 1000 percent,” Adam said.

“Hurtcore?” I asked.

“It’s huh pretty new thing I guess, they basically take kids and torture them
rape them until they bleed and I don’t mean a little like you know how that
happens sometimes I mean like bleed bleed like fucking all over, they whip,
pinch, poke, use dildos that are way too big like force it, they use tasters,
clips, needles whatever, nasty people,” Adam said.

“Like they kill them?” I asked.

“No killing them would be nice,” Adam said, “Those guys though a lot of what
they do they don’t do here, they do it places like Thailand, Russia, Albania
anywhere that’s not the US makes it easier to get away with it.”

“That sounds scary,” I answered.

“Yeah, it is. I’ve been to Russia I lived there for a while,” He said, “You
learn really fast who is into what and how they want you to be otherwise you
don’t’ survive. You have to be smart because they make sure you get a very very
short learning curve. However, it makes here look like Disney world.”

“What’s it like for you here?” I asked.

“You mean with Chase?” Adam asked, “It’s better now that I’m too old to hold
favor I guess would be the best way to put it.”

“So, he was really abusive?” I asked.

“He likes to choke,” Adam answered, “Hurt I guess. He likes to make you hate
yourself. He’s nasty when you first hit that point where you…” He made a motion
with his hand as if he was trying to find a delicate way to put what he wanted
to say, “are able to respond for me anyway, he started collecting it in this
jar and it was disgusting.”

“That’s sick,” I said really feeling not hungry at that point and then
remembering Hank and the cup. How he had made me do things like that. How he
had forced me to taste myself and then he had drunk the rest.

“You like didn’t eat at all,” Adam commented, “They are going to keep you on
restriction, they might make you drink boost and trust me that’s gross so if
you don’t want that you better scarf it before they take it away.”

“Ok, yeah I think I’m going to be sick though,” I said as I picked up my fish
sticks and started to eat.

I managed to eat most of my food before the came to clear our plates away as
everyone else came up to the unit from the cafeteria. Everyone seemed pretty
happy as they went to their rooms to use the bathroom and stuff before they
headed down to the gym. I figured I wasn’t going because I was probably still
on restriction. Adam stood up and went over to a cupboard in the corner and
pulled out a desk of cards.

“Rummy or poker?” He asked me.

“You aren’t going down to gym?” I asked.

“Can’t,” He said, “I’m labeled Eating Disordered so they limit my physical
activities.”

“Oh huh, Rummy I guess I don’t know I’ve never played,” I answered.

“That’s awesome,” Adam said smiling, “Means I have a chance to win, it sure
beats Solitaire with Gavin staring at me.”

Mr. Tony came over to the door and popped his head in wearing his coat, “My
shift is just about over but the doctor is here and he’s agreed to do your
blood draw to check that thing we talked about earlier so I’m supposed to walk
you down on my way out and he’ll bring you back up.”

“Oh,” I said looking at Adam, “Sorry looks like I’ll be back in a little
while.”

“Probably in time for group,” Mr. Tony said looking at us sadly, “Sorry
Burgess.”

“Why are you saying sorry to me? That just lets me know which doctor it is. Why
it is he has to go see him?” Burgess asked.

Tony shrugged, “I’m not in charge I just do what I’m told. Come on John.”

“See you later,” I said standing up and walking over to the door with Mr. Tony.

I was wondering which doctor this was. Why it would take so long for a blood
draw that shouldn’t take long at all and then I thought about it my stomach
turning sour this had to be Leo. Leo was the only doctor I could think of that
would want to spend more time with me. I didn’t want to see him. He unlocked
the door to get us off the unit and walked me down a hallway.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” I said and I could feel myself shaking, “Leo.”

“It’s not Leo, you’ll be ok just doing what you’re told. For all I know it
won’t take long at all but Dr. Huntz is … someone I don’t like to talk to for
personal reasons I’m not going into.” Tony answered.

We turned down a hallway and Mr. Tony knocked on a door which opened up. A guy
was standing there with glasses and salt and pepper hair and smile on his face
that looked like it was trying to be charming, comforting but it didn’t come
across that way to me at all. To me it was that same look they always gave me.
I had never really met Dr. Huntz before but remembered what Vic had told me.
Don’t go to him unless I needed to.

“Come on, you’re fine we’ll do your blood work and full exam,” He said the idea
of him giving me any type of exam making goose bumps raise on my arm.

“Why?” I asked stepping into the room as he shut the door behind me and locked
it.

“Because you said they weren’t using protection,” Dr. Huntz said, “So I have to
draw your blood.”

“No, I know about that part. Why a full exam?” I asked.

He just smiled at me, “Well,” He said coming close to me making me back up into
the wall gulping, “You only ever see my partner and you are very very
attractive.”

“I don’t want to,” I said shaking my head.

“Just relax,” he said leaning over me effectively trapping me against the wall,
“I’ll draw your blood and then weigh you and check your height ok?”

I nodded my head and sat down on the exam table. He drew my blood fast without
a problem his eyes giving me that look. That look that said I want to touch
you, I want to feel you, I want to hear you scream. And I didn’t like that.
When he was done taking my blood and labeling the vials he sighed standing up.

“Take off your clothes,” He said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Weight, just checking your weight,” He answered. Feigning innocents. I knew
why he wanted me to take my clothes off but was I really in a place where I
could try and fight him on it, tell him no? I started shaking my leg my nerves
getting the better of me. I didn’t want him doing anything like that.

“I have to get naked for you to check my weight?” I asked.

“Just underwear but I’m assuming you aren’t wearing any so yeah,” He answered.

I nodded my head. Yeah there was no way out of this. He was going to rape me
and I had to take it just like I had to with everyone else. I hated this, my
body being their toy. I didn’t want him to touch me. I gulped as I pulled my
shirt up over my head and I heard him gasps.

“I see why they like you,” He said, “Prefect skin, so pale so smooth looking
even with the scars. I wonder how tight your ass is.”

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head.

“Don’t what I haven’t done anything,” He said smiling at me, “I’ve heard you’re
very good in other places too. Take off your pants and get over here onto the
scale.”

I pulled off my pants using my hands to cover myself so he couldn’t really see
that part of me as I clambered up onto the scale in front of him. Him leaning
closely over me making me shudder as he moved the weights on the scale to make
it work.

“Interesting, you only weigh 104 pounds not super small for your age but not
really high up there either,” He said as he pulled up the measuring stick to
check my height, “Turn around.”

I turned around and he made me stand straight. I stood as still as I could
still covering myself and I sighed as he put his hand on my shoulder to adjust
the bar so it was right on the top of my head, “You’re 5’4.”

“I already figured that,” I said grabbing my pants off of the floor.

“Nope, back up on the table.” He said making me exhale deeply.

“No,” I begged as he went over to the cupboard in the corner and grabbed
something out of it.

“It’s ok,” he said as I sat back down on the table, “I’m just checking
something out ok?”

He opened a tube and put a generous amount of the substance on his fingers. I
wanted to curl up and die. I didn’t want him touching me I didn’t care if he
was a doctor I didn’t want his hands on me at all.

“Just lay back, ok? Have you ever heard of prostate stimulation?” He asked me.

“I huh. I’m not sure,” I answered feeling sick to my stomach. I knew what my
prostate was that it was back there but I still hadn’t connected the dots as to
what it actually did being 13 and going to a catholic school I hadn’t exactly
had a lot of sex education.
“Well, you’re prostate is easily accessed through your anus. If someone bumps
against it really nice it can feel really fucking amazing. Anyone ever get you
to cum without touching your dick?” He asked me.

So, that’s what that was? When they stuck their fingers in there and it made my
whole body feel like it was filling with cold fire, like I was half drowning as
the pressure spread up my back side and into my pelvis. My eyes went wide as I
realized that was his plan. That he was going to do that to me which was
something I hated just about as much as I hated someone taking my dick and
putting it in their mouth.

“No,” I shook my head. Meaning no I didn’t want him to touch me.

“You’re in for a real treat then,” he said as he pushed me backwards gently
making me lay down on the exam table, “Just relax and when I push in you push
out like you’re using the bathroom, ok? It makes it run nice and smooth it’ll
feel so good I’ll have you dripping I promise. I’m a pro at this I am a doctor
after all,” He said prying my thighs apart so he could slide his fingers
inside.

“No, no don’t,” I said shaking my head as his fingers poked at my entrance.

“No, just relax,” he muttered leaning over top of me his bare fingers finally
pressing into me. The pressure was uncomfortable almost painful but I had no
choice but to lay there as he found the spot the first contact searing almost
sending that spark through my body making my breath catch.

Before I could stop myself, he had me whimpering as every tiny prod and poke
sent electricity through my body. He was right. His touch felt worse than Hanks
or my Da’s when the leader was coaching him. It made my cheeks burn red and my
penis leak fluid. I didn’t want this I wanted him to stop but he was knuckle
deep in my asshole making me hate myself.

“That’s it beautiful enjoy the ride,” He muttered kissing my inner thigh making
me squeal.

God, it hurt so fucking bad but felt so fucking good all at the same time it
was beyond anything like that they had ever done. I wanted him to stop to get
off of me and when he finally did I sighed with relief only to realize he was
undoing his belt that he was going to push me past my limit.

“FUCK NO!” I screamed trying to push him away as he tried to climb on top of
me.

He forced my knees up against my chest so I had to use my legs to support his
body weight. I remember him feeling heavy, my legs cramping as he got his body
weight on top of mine me placing my feet flat against his upper chest trying to
stop him from penetrating me only causing him to use more of his body weight as
leverage to push himself forward into me.

“Relax beautiful it’s just to finish you,” he said as he pushed his way inside
of me making me scream, “You want to finish, don’t you? Want to feel that sweet
tidal wave go through your body as I hit that spot oh, so right?” he muttered
kissing my neck nibbling at the skin as he found that spot bumping up against
it just right again his one hand and upper body pushing me hard into the solid
steel exam table while the other dug hard at my hip like it was handle so he
could guide himself in and out of me.
“FUCK!” I shouted as he pushed me to the edge of climax.

“That’s right sexy boy, cum for me nice and hard,” he moaned kissing into my
neck as I came hard all over shooting up into the air and coating his stomach
in my ejaculate and somehow getting some in my own face, “Nice baby, you really
are a good boy, aren’t you?” He asked me licking my chin where some had landed
his eyes going wide as he tasted it in his mouth, “Wow, that is sweet. Think I
can make you do that again?”

I was shaking. I couldn’t cum like that again. I felt like I didn’t want to cum
ever again. I was so breathless that I could barely move as he started kissing
down my chest kissing that path that they always did and all I could do was
bite my lip as I started crying as he buried his face in my crotch and deep
throated me putting me balls deep in his mouth instantly giving me a new
erection.

“Stop please just stop just…” My voice caught in my throat my whole body
feeling like it was about to have a seizure as his tongue and throat did
something around me I had never felt before causing me to instantly cum without
a real build up towards climax leaving me breathless and shaking as he
swallowed getting off of me.

“You are a really really good boy,” he said pulling up his pants that were
around his ankles and doing up his belt as he grabbed my pants and threw them
at me landing on my chest where I was still laying on the examining table as he
saw I was crying, “It’s ok. You did great really you were beyond amazing there
isn’t any need to cry beautiful. I used a condom,” he said pointing to the used
one that was on the table by my feet that I didn’t remember him putting on.

“I’m going to send you back with some by the way, that way you won’t catch
anything no risk ok?” He said, “I’ll have to have you again when you get out.”

“I’m contracted,” I said.

“So, I’ll find out who because that’s who I have to ask. That’s all that
means,” He said, “Get dressed unless you want me to make you cum screaming
again.”

I pulled on my pants and before I had a real chance to put on my shirt he
opened the door. Looking at his watch, “Can’t I finish getting dressed?” I
asked rolling my shoulders. The physical pain it caused was always there I
just, it was never really the focus but after having someone push your knees
into your chest your back and legs usually felt really fucking pinched and
cramped sometimes all the way up into your neck especially if you were being
pushed hard into a flat surface someone pushing all their weight down on your
collar bone and shoulders as they kissed you, dug into you.

“Nope, no one cares and if we wait any longer you’re running late for group.”
He said moving out of the way as I did up my pants while walking.

I always hated walking right away especially after that type of activity
because you just felt sticky and used for lack of a better term. Your ass
usually filled with some type of lube or Vaseline sore from being stretched in
a way that it shouldn’t be that it wasn’t made to do and sometimes cum dripping
out and down your legs. That would be enough to make any not want to move for a
while. the feeling of the grease and shit sloshing around inside you every time
you moved along with that searing slight pain of being pushed too far open.

I moved grabbing my shirt my whole-body sore. I was really hoping I would be
late enough for group I wouldn’t have to go, that they would let me shower
instead of going there. That wasn’t the case however which at that point didn’t
surprise me at all. I never got what I wanted, what I was hoping for and hardly
ever got what I needed.

It didn’t take long for us to get back to the unit and I pulled my shirt over
my head as we passed our day room which was full of both boys and girls all of
them gawking at me. I knew what they were seeing. The scars along my torso some
of them crescent shaped or circles like bite marks. Others long and thin and
angry like scratches that were too deep.

I felt my face turning red as I entered the room and Hannah sighed looking at
me, “You need to have your clothes on if you’re not in the shower or your room.
You’re just in time for group to start.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“Ok everyone this is Sandy, she’s new and she’s running group today. Be
respectful, participate please and listen,” Hannah said sitting back in the
corner.

A young woman with glasses and dreadlocks pulled into a bun stepped into the
middle of the room, “Ok today we’re talking about sexual assault. Date rape
specifically because you’re all nearing or at that age where you’re going to be
dating.”

“No, we’re not,” Josh said standing up.

“Why do you not like the topic?” Gavin asked.

“Maybe because I’m a guy and it makes me feel like a villain, like I’m some
freak just because I have a penis. I would never ever hurt someone like that
and I’m not going to sit here and allow people to make me feel like I would,”
Josh answered.
“You really think this is that type of talk?” Sandy asked him.

“In my experience, yes,” Josh answered, “Guys can be raped too, date raped or
otherwise.”

“Yes, you are absolutely right,” Sandy said, “I’m sorry what’s your name?”

“Josh,” He answered.

“Josh, you are right guys can be raped too and our society doesn’t talk about
that often enough. You are right the paper work focuses mostly on assaults
towards females however I do have a work sheet here for everyone to fill out.
Don’t put your names on it just put M for Male or F for female in the top
corner and fill it out. Once you are done answering the questions please hand
it to me and we’ll do a tally on what type of answers we get. No one needs to
know anyone else’s answers and if you hear me read anything aloud that gives
away who it is don’t say anything to the group keep it to yourself.” She said
passing a worksheet.

When the worksheets got to me I took a copy and passed it forward. I scanned
over it reading to myself before I started filling it out and then thought
better of it. It had several questions on it. 1. Have you ever been sexually
assaulted, 2, if yes, how old were you? 3, Was it by someone you know? 4, What
was their relationship to you? 5, was there penetration? 6, was there more than
just touching? 7, did it happen more than once? 8, Do you feel like it has
impacted your life in a negative way? 9, Were you subject to more than just
this one kind of abuse? 10, Have you ever told anyone? I sighed.

I didn’t want to answer these questions. what was I going to say specially to
number one? Yes, just now? I wrote M on the right-hand corner and then just
wrote yes for the first one and not answering for the rest because I wanted to
be honest but I didn’t want to be in this group. I didn’t want to talk about
this, I just wanted to shower. However, I handed it to Sandy and then sat back
down. She smiled at me and played with my paper and as she got more from the
group she started shuffling them in her hands until everyone had handed their
papers to her and she shuffled them a couple more times.

“Ok Gavin could you tally on the board for me?” Sandy asked.

“Sure,” Gavin said standing up and walking over to the dry erase board with a
marker.

“Ok first paper has an M so this is a male, question number one they answered
yes, how old were you? All it says is last time or first time? 3 says yes, what
was their relationship to you? That one is blank, was there penetration that
one is blank, more than just touching that one says yes, more than once, it
says duh, 8 says yes, 9 says yes, and 10 says maybe, second is female and it
says yes, 13,yes,no answer, yes, yes ,no, yes, yes, no. Ok well how about I
just read the answer to the first question and we keep the rest to myself huh?”
Sandy sighed sounding depressed, “next one is female, yes Male, yes, female,
no, male yes, female no, female yes, male yes, male yes, female no, female yes,
male yes, males yes, female yes, male yes and female no. So, wait…hold
on…that’s not…every boy in this room really guys?” Sandy said looking at us.

Josh shrugged his shoulders, “You all already know I have been. I already
admitted that in art therapy.”

“Yeah but like, how do you rape a guy?” Clara asked.

“Rape is defined as penetration with an object against some persons will. It
can be fingers, a penis, another object but all of those count as rape, forced
oral contact is rape whether that’s someone forcing their genitals in your
mouth or them forcing you to let them put your genitals in their mouth. All of
those are considered rape that can happen to a male or a female. You can use
drugs or alcohol to make it easier to take advantage of them. One in four girls
and one in six boys or in this case for this room six in six boys has been
sexually assaulted.” Sandy said, “Which is highly unusual.”

“I’ll answer questions if any of the girls want me to. I’m the oldest I can
represent,” Josh said.

“Does it hurt?” Debbie asked.

“Josh use your brain and language skills don’t be crass here please,” Gavin
said before Josh could speak.

“Well yes, having someone force their way into your anal cavity hurts,” Josh
answered, “If you know anything about asshol…” Josh stopped looked at Gavin “I
mean butts, that muscle only opens up so far where as a vagina is actually
pretty elastic and awesome.” Josh continued an amused smile playing on his
lips. “There are things you can do to one of those amazing things that you
can’t do with a butt and yeah it hurts a lot to have someone shove something up
there especially against your will.”

“John?” Debbie asked me, “Did someone hurt you?”

I felt my face go red, “I thought Josh was answering questions, not me.”

“Just your…” She gestured passing her hand over her covered chest, “It looks
really really bad like someone did something terrible to you. All the scars you
have.”

I sighed, “Can I use the bathroom?” I asked feeling the lump in my throat. This
wasn’t something I wanted to talk about, to think about especially with my ass
still dripping Vaseline and my leg muscles still aching from being held in a
bent position for so long.

“Your scars do look bad,” Sandy agreed looking at me, “But I was going to ask
you about that in private.”

“I skate board,” I said thinking on my feet.

I really didn’t see how any of it was their business. It’s not like I had made
a choice to show off my bare chest, expose myself to them so I didn’t see why
they felt like they had the right to ask me about it. In fact, I felt very
naked without a shirt and not just because of my scars but because I seemed to
get more stares whenever anything below my clavicle was showing even though
most of my scarring was way below that down on my rib cage where Hank liked to
bite and lick.

“Skate boarding doesn’t leave bite scars,” The girl with the short hair said
looking at me.

“May I use the bathroom or not?” I asked looking at Sandy.

I wasn’t going to even try and defend that because in my eyes if I did it meant
there was something to defend. If I was defending myself I was admitting that
something happened. So, I wasn’t even going to say anything.

I just wanted to leave the room my skin feeling dirtier by the second thinking
about how Dr. Huntz had kissed his way down my skin like they all did, how his
hands had been pushing me down, holding me down by my shoulders, by my collar
bone as he…how his hands had been literally everywhere on my body not even 10
minutes before I had stepped into the day room where we were now supposed to be
talking about rape.

“Sure,” Hannah said standing up as I stood up and left as quickly as I could.

I went into my room and used the bathroom trying to catch my breath. Sitting
down on the toilet putting my head between my legs trying to think. my head
felt like it was rushing on the inside like a movie on fast forward everything
moving too fast, all my thoughts racing. Being away from them, from the heat
and the air and talk of things I couldn’t stand to listen to helped. It helped
me feel still, feel grounded. I sighed heavily as I heard a light knock on my
bedroom door which caused me to stay where I was sitting. I closed my eyes
praying it wasn’t Gavin coming to see me, coming to do things to me because I
knew I couldn’t take it that I would end up trying to claw my veins out with my
own fingers or teeth if I thought it would keep me from having to be touched
one more time.

“John?” I heard Hannah’s voice say calmly.

“Yeah?” I answered barely above a whisper.

“Are you ok?” She asked me.

“No, it’s no one’s business,” I answered still staying where I was in the stall
with the door locked.

“You’re right. It’s not,” Hannah agreed calmly, “I have to make sure you’re ok
though.”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine I just need a couple minutes,” I answered hoping she would
go away.

“Just know you’re not alone. There are plenty of people who know exactly how
you feel,” Hannah said after a minute or two of silence.

“Yeah I already knew that. That doesn’t mean I want to or have to talk about
it,” I answered back.

“Do you think talking about it would help you though?” She asked me, “Because I
can listen if you want to talk about it. I won’t judge you.”

“I’m not worried about anyone judging me I just…,” I shook my head and then it
dawned on me she couldn’t see me, “I just don’t talk about it ok? It’s easier
not to.”

“How much easier can it be, not talking about it I mean if you’re here?” She
asked me.

“You don’t get it, you’re not like us you don’t get it,” I said.

“Male you mean?” She asked me. I responded with my silence, “You’re right I’m
not but, that doesn’t mean I can’t understand. You’re young you’re young enough
you probably get an erection every time you’re anxious or afraid so your body
responding is na…” I cut her off.

“Don’t tell me it’s natural it’s not natural I don’t care what anyone says
about it. My body hates me and that’s all there is to it and I wish I wasn’t
trapped in it,” I snapped closing my eyes to keep from crying as I ran a hand
through my hair to push it out of my face.

“Is that why you don’t eat like you’re supposed to? Because you hate your body?
You hate yourself?” She asked me.

“I eat just fine,” I answered.

“No, you don’t I’ve watched you eat you barely touch anything at all until the
last possible second probably because Burgess is warning you if you don’t eat
we’ll supplement you.”

“Look,” I said finally standing up and opening the stall door looking at her,
“I’m sorry I freaked up but it’s no one’s business what I’ve been through but
mine and I plan to keep it that way and let as few people know as possible.
Yeah everyone in that room knows because someone had to tally the results on
the board and every single guy said yes but that doesn’t mean I have to sit and
weep and share my feelings about it.”

“Do you care to tell me what happened?” She asked me.

“No, personally I don’t,” I answered honestly, “I’m not telling anyone shit
anymore ok I’m done talking about it I would rather talk about football and
Rugby and video games and god knows what else because I personally don’t feel
like sharing anymore, I feel like I have shared enough.”

“What about why you tried to kill yourself?” She asked me.

“You want to know why I tried to kill myself because I was tired. Ok? I was
tired I was tired of having 10 siblings to keep safe, I was tired of…life. I
didn’t mean to hurt Will I didn’t mean for him to find me ok? That was a
mistake but I couldn’t do it all right I couldn’t do it and I still feel like I
can’t but now I’m stuck in a place where I have realized that before I thought
I didn’t have freedom I was so very wrong. Here I really don’t so I just want
to go home I want to drink my vodka and smoke and I want to forget it’s real,”
I answered.

“Forget what’s real?” She asked me, “Your soccer coach? The fact that your mom
has mental health problems as well?”

“My mum is fine,” I said.

“Ok well, you have to look at this way. Your dad is either a very good liar and
was able to convince a judge and bunch of other people she has postpartum
psychosis to the point where he needs medical guardianship over her and he’s a
very abusive man who beats and rapes his wife and sexually abuses his children
or she’s a very sick woman who truly thinks and believes things that aren’t
real. A very sick and overwhelmed woman who needs real help. Which one do you
think is more likely? Don’t you think someone would believe her if there was
actually evidence he was doing those types of things to his family no matter
how much money he has?” Hannah asked me.

“You saw the evidence everyone saw the evidence alright?” I said.

“Your chest you mean?” She asked me.

“Yeah, like that one girl said you don’t get bite scars from skate boarding,” I
answered feeling unsteady on my feet as I realized what I was admitting to,
what I had just said and how much it might actually cost Hannah.

“Can I see it?” She asked me suddenly.

“What?” I asked.

“Your scars can I see them again?” She asked me, “I barely saw them so
obviously, I didn’t see what some of them saw so if I could see them again…”
She trailed off as I lifted up my shirt turning my face away in shame as I help
my shirt up. I could feel her eyes on me, staring at me.

“Those look really really recent,” She said and I wasn’t sure what she was
talking about.

“What?” I asked.

“Those they still have welts on them like they’re very very fresh,” She said
pointing to my waist where I realized my pants were sitting slightly lower than
I was comfortable with and put my shirt down.

“It’s nothing, I had dry skin,” I said trying to think of a valid excuse as to
why those would be there.

“I can tell by looking at your skin it’s not dry. It doesn’t look ashy or flaky
at all anywhere so where did you get those?” She asked me.

“I don’t know, it itched,” I said again.

“You boys here are so secretive why are all of you so scared to say anything at
all?” She asked suddenly as a look flickered across her face.

“What?” I asked trying to play dumb.

“There’s something wrong in this town,” She said suddenly, “Something is very
very wrong here.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You said it yourself which was more
likely,” I said.

“You’re right though you can’t get bite scars from skate boarding you said it
yourself and at least two of those look like bite marks, human bite marks which
means someone bite you which means that’s probably not the only thing they were
doing especially considering one is very close to your nipple,” She answered
me, “I’m going to figure out what this is and I’m going to stop it.”

“You can’t,” I said, “Pretend you don’t know please if you care about yourself,
if you…if you ever want to be anything just do your time here and leave and
never look back.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” She asked me as I shut the stall door again
before she could say anything else.

I couldn’t help but feel like I had just killed this woman. Like she was
already dead because of me. Because I had been stupid enough to leave a room
without my shirt on because everyone had seen what I looked like under my
clothes. This was all my fault. This woman was going to die because of me just
like Dr. Jeffries had just like anyone who ever tried to help me probably
would. In that moment, I decided I would never talk to anyone outside the
brotherhood again. That no one would ever know and I’d stick to the excuses my
Da told me to that way no one else would die because of me.

“John, come out,” She said sadly, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry just keep it to yourself ok? Just forget about it,” I said.

“I can’t,” She answered.

“If you want to live you will,” I said, “I’m lying the whole thing is made up,
I gave myself those scars just forget about it.”

“You couldn’t have,” She said.

“Sure, I could have, I’m a liar I’m sick like my mum alright?” I said, “Just
drop it.”

“I know you’re not lying and I’m going to put a note in your chart to Dr.
Swartzman …” She said before I cut her off.

“I wouldn’t do anything to draw his attention to this if I were you,” I said my
heart feeling like it was about ready to stop at just the mention of his last
name.

I was his. I was his property and there was nothing anyone could do or say that
would change that for the next six months of my life and I knew that. I had
come to accept that and I just wanted to go home so I could enjoy a couple days
without possibly being grabbed and forced down onto some surface while someone
shoved themselves into my orifices where I didn’t want them to be. Have
someone’s hands causing my skin to feel like it was on fire or covered in acid.

“He can report it to the right authorities,” She answered, “Yeah, ok well can I
asked something and I want you to answer honestly. Is someone at home hurting
you?”

“No,” I lied the best I could knowing that she couldn’t see my face helped
because I knew if I had been looking in the face I would have started crying
right then in there the lie hurting so much because I wanted her to help. I did
I wanted someone to get me out of the situation I was trapped in but I wasn’t
willing to kill another person in order to do it.

“Ok,” She answered, “Well take a couple minutes to collect yourself and then
you need to come back to group.” She sighed as she walked away.

When I was sure she was gone and I was alone and no one was coming in to check
on me again I opened the stall door again and splashed my face with some cold
water before I pulled off my pants and wiped myself down in other places so I
no longer felt sticky and gross before allowing myself a few minutes to air dry
and putting my pants back on to walk back to group. I didn’t want to go back
but I knew I had to even though I was dreading it.
***** Chapter 16 *****
Chapter Summary
     John figures out there is more to Eric hating him than just the
     number branded into his hip. John has a violent encounter in
     isolation.
Chapter Notes
     Page 292 to 303. I think it's a short chapter but I feel like it's
     very emotional like there's a lot of details in it so just happens to
     be kind of short. WARNINGS: Rape/NON-con, Forced oral, anal
     fingering, shower rape, physical injury, dick bruising, anal rape,
     anxiety, fear, mental health issues.
When I got there, I noticed the day room was mostly empty now with Josh sitting
there and Troy but all of the other guys seemed to be gone and someone tapped
me on the shoulder making me jump into the air scaring the living shit out of
me.
“Holy fuck!” I exclaimed as Dom mumbled a sheepish sorry to me from behind.

“Like all the girls starting asking really weird questions and then this one
girl Ashley I think she asked Burgess like whether he’d been…well no way to be
coy about it I guess. She basically asked him if he’d ever had to suck a dick
before and so he got pissed, right? I mean I’d get pissed too but at the time I
didn’t know what to do. So, both Ashley and Burgess are in the different
isolation rooms right now because they started a yelling match,” Dom filled me
in, “A lot of people got upset mostly us so we were allowed to wonder off and
collect ourselves because they only have four isolation rooms.”

“Where is Gavin and whoever else is supposed to be here?” I asked feeling my
face pale thinking of Adam trapped back there with one of them. Thinking of the
things they would probably do to him.

“Gavin is…oh no,” Dom said his eyes going wide, “Fuck you really think he’s…?”

“He did it to me in our bedroom during quiet time so yeah probably,” I said.

“Oh fuck,” Dom hissed, “That’s why Dillon was like flipping the fuck out on his
way down the hall.”

“I’m flipping the fuck out and I’m not boning Adam so yeah… I understand why he
would be.” I said before I slapped my hand over my mouth realizing what I had
just said.

“Shit! You’re kidding?!” Dom asked me rather loudly, “That’s great, is everyone
getting some TLC but me?”

“Wait everyone?” I asked.

“Ok fine not everyone but you and Pat have your thing going and then Cole…is
well Cole, I don’t even know who is his banging anymore,” Dom said shaking his
head.

“Oh, god Cole and his Shenanigans,” I said shaking my head, “Who was he with
last time you hung out with them?”

“Kristoff and he had a thing but Kristoff is off at college now, he apparently
got into Yale,” Dom said, “There was this one kid Cole was starting a hang
around with a new guy Toshi I think his name is but he goes by Tosh or
something I think, he’s like Japanese or some shit. Just moved here he’ll be
starting school with us.”

“What?” I asked, “That’s new.”

“Yeah he was contracted to someone. Tosh I mean apparently, he’s living with
his contract and doing a foreign exchange program type deal. So, he’s going to
school with us. I’m not even sure how they met but it seems like it’s just
horsing around.
“With Cole? Yeah, I figured,” I said shaking my head.

“Yeah,” Dom agreed, “I’ve never seen him do anything more than fuck and maybe
kiss. I think losing Justin broke his heart.”

“Anyone else in here crossing swords you know about?” I asked.

“No,” He said.

“Then how it is everyone?” I asked again.

“Ok fine. I exaggerated,” Dom admitted, “I don’t know ok? It would be nice to
have someone even if it wasn’t a girl.”

“Getting a little flexible?” I asked raising an eyebrow and smirking.

“I already was. It’s just I don’t know I’m not…I don’t know,” Dom shrugged his
shoulders.

“You’re not comfortable?” I asked, “Same.”

“Really but I thought you and Pat…” He asked me.

“Kind of but then not at the same time. There’s a lot of making out getting
pretty close to other stuff but most of the other stuff is well…he might kill
me for telling you this but I tend to be more…”

“You’re dominate?” Dom asked me causing me to touch my tongue to my back molar,
“Oh that’s funny. I never pegged you for the pitcher.”

“I have problems with…” I sighed.

“You mean allowing people to venture below the belt?” he asked me, “I get that.
I really do. I’m the same way probably why I haven’t really…”

I nodded my head, “Pat is very understanding. Sometimes it makes me nervous how
understanding he is. I know he wants to but he never says anything about it he
just kind of allows me to lead.”

“I need someone like that. Someone to have fun with but who isn’t going to be
pushy. There was this one guy for a while, Chuckie he was pretty cool at first
but then the longer it went without me letting him explore the less tolerant he
was so I broke it off before he got handsy and then I had a thing with man, I
hate admitting it but I had a thing with Chad for a while when I was like 11
and that didn’t end well,” Dom said.

“Chad, Chad who seems like he has a major hard on for you Chad?” I asked.

“Yep. It was ok at first but then like with Chuckie it just. I couldn’t get
comfortable with stuff and so he…” Dom trailed off, “And it wasn’t like I could
say no. I mean, I did but according to the rules my no doesn’t mean anything
since he’s a four. After that I’ve just kind of tried to avoid him as much as
possible even at school because even at school if he sees me and he wants to
he’s allowed to…you know.”

“Is that why Eric seems to hate me because he’s afraid I’ll…ask him for that?”
I asked.

“I don’t know I can’t really answer that question. I know he sees you as a
threat for sure. I think he might be jealous you’re with your real family where
him and almost everyone else here is basically a piece of meat they’re allowed
to use. I think Eric also feels kind of sick of privilege. He sees a lot of
people get treated better than he does. Because we’re lighter skinned we get
treated better just a little bit because you can obviously see our scars and
bruises really well where on him they are harder to see.” Dom answered.

“His skin isn’t that dark,” I said.

“He feels like it is,” Dom answered, “I don’t mean to sound uneducated or
whatever but haven’t noticed a lack of diversity within the brotherhood if you
know what I’m saying?”

“Yes, I have,” I answered, “I think it’s weird personally but, you know it is
what it is.”

“Yeah that’s how we feel about it but him, he feels out numbered. I don’t know,
they move ones around a lot I’m sure in other places they have more kids that
are of different races but being down in Florida it seems like we’re white
washed. So, I think he feels resentful of it. He’s taken to bullying a lot of
other ones around. Like the younger kids like…well like that” Dom said.

“You mean like he’s been getting…?” I trailed off. I didn’t want to think about
someone doing that to some poor kid especially Eric. The way he seemed so angry
about everything. He was probably like Uncle Ben extremely violent and
aggressive, dangerous.
“Yeah, just seems like he’s tired of watching the good old boys club type of
set up they have going on. So, he’s been getting Handsy not here obviously but
at the Villa he’s gotten sent to the back room more than once for putting his
hands on one poor kid or another. Like sometimes because we’re ones and twos no
one cares about us so they make us babysit the littles if we’re not on the
tables. Like the kids that are eight and under. I’ve had babysitting duty with
him. It’s…its gross and he’s rough. So, in turn handlers are rough with him.
He’s going to get himself killed.” Dom said shrugging his shoulders.

I snorted, “Good old boys they are not. Maybe him not being around won’t be a
bad thing if he does get killed. I mean, I would feel sorry for him but he’s
kind of an asshole and you don’t do that to little kids. I don’t know what he’s
trying to pull but it seems like he’s trying to get into the brotherhood. You
know become a handler. Is that even possible?”

“That’s for damn sure,” Dom agreed, “Can you jump rank? It’s not unheard of but
it’s rare. The easiest way to jump a rank is to get adopted like Pop and Dad
adopted me. Otherwise I’ve heard this one guy won the lotto and he jumped rank.
But that’s like the only two ways I really remember ever hearing about. Like I
could decide I want to be in the brotherhood. I don’t want to and never will
but if I decided that I would stay a two. I would be a 2 handler even though
Pop and Dad are rank four. Any kids I have would either be a two or because
they are technically inheriting any money Pop and Dad give me and they have
decent money they might be bumped up to three’s but I’m not 100 percent on
that. However, when you jump rank you get rebranded which is not very fun from
what I understand and just about as painful as it is to go through it the first
time.

“You think he’ll ever stop trying to pick fights with me?” I asked Dom,
changing the subject back to Eric.

“I wouldn’t count on it if I were you, however if he tries to make a racket
again just tell someone. They’ll stop it.”

Just then the Unit door opened and in walked Neal my eyes going wide. I didn’t
want to deal with him. Why on earth did he have to have the night shift? I
started shaking before I could stop myself and Dom noticed where my eyes were
glued wide and afraid.
“Oh, ok John come on, let’s go in the day room ok?” He said grabbing my arm and
steering me gently into the day room where all the girls were sitting with Josh
laughing and smiling.

“Are you ok John?” Debbie asked, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“He’s just not feeling well,” Dom said.

“John, do you need to go to isolation?” Hannah asked me.

“No, no,” I whimpered.

I didn’t want to be anywhere where Neal could get me alone. Because I knew what
he was planning, what he wanted to do. I had already been touched five times
that day I didn’t want anyone else to touch me. I wanted to cower somewhere he
couldn’t touch me and in Isolation he had every chance he could ever want with
me.

“Hey,” Josh said quietly sitting down on the other side of me, “Don’t think
about it ok? I won’t let it happen. I swear to you I will do everything I can
to make sure it doesn’t happen. I promise you. Five or not you’re one of us.”

“Ok,” Nodded my head closing my eyes, “ok.”

“Guys what’s going on?” Hannah asked.

“Nothing you have to worry about miss Hannah,” Josh answered her.

“Well, ok then, we’re going to do goals group really quick here and then after
goals we’re going to do showers for those who want one or need one and then bed
around 10 ok?” Hannah said.

Gavin smiled at Hannah, “Ok well Hannah I’m out my shift is over. Have fun.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” Hannah said dismissing Gavin.

“Ok now we’ll start with Debbie and work our around,” Hannah said.

“Ok my goal the morning was to convince enough people to play soccer that way
we could play it in gym. I failed my goal but not through any fault of my own I
asked everyone and I got five people to agree to play but I needed more but I
really tried I even asked John didn’t I John?” Debbie said looking at me and I
nodded my head in response.

“Well, good at least you tried to achieve your goal,” Hannah said, “What about
you Terra?”

The really thin girl with the short hair sighed, “My goal was to eat all of my
food at every meal and I did. I didn’t like it but I did.”

“Good, What about you Clara?” She asked.

“My goal for the day was to make a new friend and try to be nice. I really did
try to be nice any questions I asked if the person didn’t want to answer I
dropped. So, I think I did good there but I didn’t make any new friends so I
think I’ll have the same goal for tomorrow,” Clara answered.

“Good to hear, think if you really want that to be your goal tomorrow. Ron,
what was you goal the morning?” She asked Ron.

“To just focus on myself,” Ron said, “I didn’t really talk a lot so I guess my
goal was met. I feel calm today not so anxious.”

“Good,” Hannah said writing something down on her note pad.

“My goal was to keep my temper under control and I failed because someone is a
whiny ass bitch who thinks their life is so horrible,” Eric said, “Not naming
names.”

“Eric cut the fuck out,” Dillon said.

“Dillon!” Hannah warned him, “Language both of you! Try harder and be nice, all
right?”

“He needs to lay off of him. He’s a fucking kid,” Dillon said.

“You’re only a year older,” Dom said looking at Dillon.

“Still,” Dillon said, “He seriously needs to stop.”

“Yeah, I agree with you there but, don’t act like you’re that much older,” Dom
said.

“Stop talking about me like I’m not here.” I said, “I’m sitting right here
guys. Eric, why do you hate me? I would have thought me being here would make
you hap…” I trailed off as it dawned on me, “Who is it?” I asked.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” He asked me.

“I’m not fucking stupid. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Who is it?” I
asked again and he just shrugged his shoulders. “Fine fuck ever don’t tell me
but it’s not my fault. Ok? Know it’s not my fault,” I said.

“Yeah, it’s not your fault coming in here with that smooth milky skin and those
eyes.” He said a snarl on his face, “Sure keep telling yourself that. It’s not
your fault.”

“Oh, shit didn’t see that coming,” Troy said shaking his head.

“Guys what in the world is…,” Hannah started to ask as Neal came into the room.

“I think it’s time for the girls to go to their own day room. Hannah, if you’ll
take them over,” Neal asked.

“Yeah sure, ladies come on,” Hannah said as all the girls got up and filed out
of the room standing by the door that separated the sides. Neal waited until
they were gone and then shut the day room door.

“I don’t want…” I started to speak but Eric cut me off.

“You don’t want to? Well you certainly don’t fight it now do you? He treats me
better than any of the others and you just come in here and bend over and all
of the sudden he doesn’t care about me. If he’s on me no one else is,” Eric
said.

“This is interesting. Fighting over Sam really?” Neal asked smiling.

“He doesn’t fuck want Sam,” Dom spit, “Take Sam. Seriously, go for it. He
doesn’t care. He just wants to be left alone.”

“Is that true Johnny Angel? We’ve broken you that fast?” Neal taunted licking
his lips as he looked at me.

“Hey man I’m right here he’s not going to touch you,” Josh reminded me, “Don’t
you dare look at him like that. I will beat your face in.” Josh warned him.

“You really think you could?” He asked Josh, “You want to know something? He
takes it like a champ.”

My stomach instantly turned sour and I covered my mouth with my hand because I
knew I was about to throw up. He was going to tell everyone everything. About
what had happened how he had raped me in the shower how he had…done things to
me and my body had given him what he wanted. I ran over to the trash can the
threw up my heart pounding in my ears. I didn’t want other people to know about
what he had done to me. What had happened.

“Hey, you’re all right,” I heard Dom say somewhere behind me, “You’re all
right.”

I was shaking my chest heaving I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I could
barely hear him. I knew I was having a panic attack and that it was a really
bad one. Sort of like the one I had in front of my mum, in front of Pat. I felt
like I wanted to scream and I need to but, I couldn’t. Before I could stop
myself, I threw my arms around Dom trying to keep myself from shaking.

“Hey, it’s ok, you’re going to be ok man,” Dom said allowing me to hug him
tightly wishing he were Pat. Wishing that he was the one person that could make
me feel like I wasn’t being attacked.

“Come on we have to go into Isolation,” Neal said as I closed my eyes hugging
Dom tighter.

“Nope, we got it,” Josh said before I heard a commotion squeezing Dom tighter
around the middle as he held onto me, wrapping his arms around me light.

“It’s ok John just breathe, just breathe,” He whispered into my ear and I could
hear his breathing catch like he was pain.

“You’re not fucking touching him!” Josh hissed.

“You really want a dart because I can call a code. Let me do my job Josh,” Neal
fired back.

“So, your job is fuck little boys now? My bad I thought you were an orderly,”
Josh shot back.
 
Gavin rolled his eyes walking backwards slowly and opening the door before
shouting out to the person at the desk, “Can you Paige Dr. Allcome for me?
NOW!”

Josh shook his head, “Try it. I mean it try to touch him I fucking dare you
Neal.”

Just then a bunch of guys in scrubs came out of the door where the isolation
rooms were two of them calmly walking up to us when the girl at the desk
pointed in our direction, “You paged Allcome?” One of them asked.

“I need to take someone out and the others aren’t letting me. This one,” He
pointed at Josh is about to become very combative.”

“If you touch him you better fucking believe I’m going to…” Josh managed to get
out before one of the guys tackled him to the ground pinning his arms behind
his back.

“Now just calm down son he’s only trying to do his job,” the one on Josh’s back
told Josh as he struggled and bucked trying to get out of the guy’s grip.

“THE FUCK HE IS! HE’S GOING TO FUCKING RAPE HIM! GET OFF ME AND STOP HIM!” he
said as I felt someone grab my arms.

“Come on it’s ok,” Neal said quietly.

“Please Neal,” Dom said quietly, “Please I’m begging you don’t do this to him.”

“It doesn’t have to be hard ok?” Neal said just loud enough for Dom and me to
hear. He lets go of you and he comes with you neither one of you have to get
hurt I promise.”

“He needs a break please Neal. Not him, not right now please?” Dom begged for
me in a whisper Neal finally working my arms free of Dom’s waist.

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to think about it. I
just wanted Neal gone I wanted to be in a room where he wasn’t. I felt so sick
and so weak and so scared and almost like I was dying. I felt like I couldn’t
as Neal wrapped his arms around my whole body pulling me and pulled me away.

“Come on Angel,” Neal said taking me away.

I didn’t get a chance to look back but I knew Dom and Josh were thoroughly
pissed Hearing Josh swearing and struggling against the guy on his back that
was holding him down another guy rushing out from somewhere with a needle in
his hand as he charged into the day room. Neal lead me away faster than I felt
like my brain could process what was happening and threw me in a padded room
shutting the door behind him as he pushed me hard into one of the walls.

“I won’t hurt, actually someone had a talk with me about that earlier, don’t be
rude, tube your dude before you get nude,” He said laughing at himself as if
that was supposed to calm me down.

Nothing was going to make me less nervous about being in a room alone with him.
Especially after he had pulled me away from Dom. Pulled me away from one of the
only people that was making me feel safe. Feel grounded in the middle of this
insanity. Especially because earlier he had raped me and sucked me off, asking
me if it was possible for me to come again. Especially after he had taunted me,
telling me how good I was, how he wanted more.

“I just want to play. Will you be my bottle?” He asked undoing the snaps on my
pants.

“No, no no no no no no no,” I begged, “Please anything but that, anything but
that.”

“Come on angel,” he said letting my pants fall down, it’ll feel good. I’ll
worship you my beautiful angel.”

“No, anything but that please,” I said shaking my head, “Seriously please.”

“You taste so good though,” he said smiling at me, “You lay down we’ll make it
more fun, I’ll suck you until you can’t cum anymore doesn’t that sound nice?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to please.”

“Come on just lay down with me,” he coaxed, grabbing my arm and forcing me down
next to him on the floor as he rubbed my cheek before he started pushing my
shirt up my torso with his other hand, “I just want to see.” He said kissing
along my jaw bone.
“Stop it I’ll scream,” I warned him.

“No, you won’t, because you don’t want to be drugged,” Neal said, “No, you’re
mine all night Johnny Angel and until Levi can step out in an hour for condoms
I have to find other things to do to entertain myself ok? So, you’re going to
lay here for me and be a good boy and run your hands through my hair while I
make you moan my name yeah?”

“Please?” I begged really desperate by this point.

I didn’t want him touching me anymore. I didn’t want his mouth anywhere on my
skin. I was crying and I knew I was crying. If this guy did what he wanted to I
was going to find a chance to cut my dick off because I didn’t want it anymore.
Especially if all it meant was someone else got to make it do things I didn’t
want it to do. Feel things I didn’t want to feel.

“Come on, just let it happen ok?” He said pushing my shirt up so it wasn’t
really covering me starting to kiss and lick my chest my whole body shaking. I
knew I had no choice, no control that I had to let him do it. That I couldn’t
stop him and that if I tried to that he would just tie me down. Or that he
would give me something to make it so I couldn’t move so, I couldn’t speak.
That way I couldn’t let him know how much I hated this, how much I didn’t want
to be with him.

“Calm down angel,” he whispered into my nipple biting it making me squirm under
his touch, “That’s it, let it happen.” He said his fingers on my rib cage his
hands rubbing up and down my sides as he dragged his tongue down my ribs as he
reached down and grabbed me pumping me slowly and rhythmically.

I covered my face with my hands trying to hide the fact I was crying. That I
couldn’t stop myself from crying as I felt his tongue and lips playing with the
space of skin between my belly button in my base making it hard to breathe,
making my face feel hot. Once his nose was touching my shaft his licked his way
down my shaft and under it his tongue swiping over every inch I had before he
latched onto my tip and started suckling.

He kept me in that room for hours. Sucking on me like I was a sucker that never
dissolved bringing me right to the brink and then stopping. Over and over and
over until all I felt tingles under my skin and I could barely think let alone
move or fight. He sucked and licked and nibbled on me until I felt raw and
bruised and when he finally let me orgasm it hurt. It hurt so bad that if I
could have screamed I would have. When he was done, he left me there coming
back only briefly to throw me some ice and a blanket.

He left me in there all night with just a blanket and ice on my crotch which
helped but didn’t really fully take care of the bruising. It was awesome. Like
I thought my dick had hurt before when they’d gotten too rough with that but
this, this was real pain. I felt like if I tried to walk it wouldn’t be
happening until I stood up and knocked on the door at some point. It was still
early enough the sun was barely up but someone answered the door opening the
wide before I could react making me step back.

“Out of ice?” He asked me smiling.

“Can I have a towel?” I asked. I wanted to shower his spit off of me, the
feeling of his hands off of me.

He looked me up and down his eyes raking from my toes to the top of my head
making me shiver before he licked his lips, “What will you do for it?”

“I need a shower,” I answered looking at him.

“What will you do for it?” He asked again.

“Nothing,” I answered thinking of what he was talking about. Thinking of how he
probably wanted me on the floor again letting him do things when I was still
sore.

“Nothing? really? Nothing to feel clean before you go to group?” He asked
pulling a small square out of his pocket. I didn’t want to have sex with him
but it was better then what had happened last night. I sighed heavily.

“I just want to go home,” I answered shaking my head.

“You’re going to smell like sex all day if you don’t get a shower. You think
you were being picked on before imagine how bad you’re going to be bothered if
everyone can smell me on you?” Neal said reminding me of how it always smelled
like sweat and a bit of body spray or cologne that had rubbed off on my skin.

“Are you going to make it hurt?” I asked scared of his answer knowing he wasn’t
exactly happy with the fact he had to let me go, had to let me leave the
isolation room and go back out where people could see me. Go back out so I was
in a place where I couldn’t be his toy.

“I think I’ve hurt you enough, and on accident I might add. You taste so sweet
though I got a little overly enthusiastic,” he said as I felt my cheeks flush
in both anger and embarrassment.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head residing myself to the fact that he was going to
rape me. That he was going to shove his huge dick up my ass and there wasn’t
anything I could do about it.

“Ok Angel I’ll be back in a minute,” he said excitedly shutting the door and
walking away.

I waited hands crossed in front of me my nerves on over drive knowing what he
was going to do once he got back. How even if he didn’t mean to it was going to
hurt at least a little because I couldn’t relax enough. Because I couldn’t
stand the feel of him against my back, any of them. I didn’t like the feeling
of them inside of me bumping against that spot so they could feel me squirm as
they pressed as deep into me as they could, so they could make me hate myself
and everything in my life. How they could make me wish I were dead.

When he came back he had a huge smile on his face and three towels along with a
bottle of Vaseline and a wash cloth. I shivered looking at him knowing what he
wanted. Knowing that he was going to take me into the shower and force me to
spread my legs leaning forward so he could grab me in all the places I didn’t
want to be grabbed. I went into the bathroom and he followed me.

He watched as I pulled my shirt off and then my pants hissing at me lightly as
he saw the damage he had done the night before under the bathroom lights. He
tore his clothes off and turned on the water getting close enough to me to make
me jump.
“Hey, relax I’ll go slow ok?” he said as the water hissed coming out of the
shower head the spray heavy and hot filling the room with steam.

I just nodded my head and got under the spray the pressure feeling good against
my back that was sore because while the floor was padded it was still a little
too firm making my body ache and I closed my eyes for a moment absorbing the
water allowing it to soak into my skin and wet my hair rolling my shoulders
lightly to try and get the stiffness out. He grabbed my shoulders and started
to massage them making me freeze. I didn’t want to do this at all. Anything
that made it feel consensual was not ok to me. I didn’t want him to massage me,
kiss me, hug me none of it. I wanted him to stick me and get it done and over
with.

“Don’t,” I hissed trying to pull away from him in the small stall bumping my
knee on the stone bench built into the wall.

“Just relax,” He cooed pressing down on my shoulders harder forcing me forward
as I used my knees to try and support myself against the bench one of his cold
wet fingers finding its way inside of me past my first ring of muscle making me
gasp, “That’s it angel.” He murmured kissing along my shoulder blade gently.

“Wait,” I whimpered as he pushed his finger up inside before he added another
one making me cry out because I wasn’t ready his insertion being rough, rushed,
“No.” I said shaking my head.

“It’s ok Angel.” He muttered as he moved behind me getting onto his knees
before he shoved his tongue deep into my ass as I bit into my cheek to keep
myself from screaming out or moaning.

God, I hated this. I hated how it felt good and I couldn’t stop it from feeling
good no matter what I tried my eyes going wide thankful he couldn’t see my
facial expression as he moaned into me sending a weird vibration through my
body.

“God, you taste so good.” He moaned against my tailbone before driving his
tongue back into me forcefully enough to push me almost face first into the
wall.

“St-st-stop,” I managed to barely stutter as he slid a finger back in under his
tongue.

“You know it feels good. Just let it feel good,” he said sliding his second
finger back in as he stood up releasing me for a second slapping me lightly on
the ass and laughing, “I’ll make sure it feels nice I promise.” He said as I
gasped with relief because he had broken contact if only for a brief few
moments my whole body shaking in fear and turmoil.

When he came back in he was fully erect that monster staring at me as I felt my
eyes go wide. He laughed, “Yeah I know it’s impressive not that yours won’t be
one day for your age though you’re a really nice size.” He said coming up
behind me and reaching around to grab me making me whine in pain as he rubbed
his dick into my ass crack lining it up to enter me.

“Please no,” I begged not sure which one I was more scared of him grabbing my
dick and causing me extreme pain because of the bruises he’d left there last
night from sucking and nibbling too hard or the pain I was about to be in when
he pushed his way into me. My whole body tensed in anticipation.

“Just push out,” he muttered into the base of my neck as he slowly started to
push his way in the pain heating up my back side and shooting up my spine and I
tried to relax, tried to allow it to happen so that I didn’t get hurt anymore
then I already was. Once he was in all the way he stopped moving for a minute
just like my Da always did giving my body time to adjust around him, time to
adjust to the feeling of him inside of me as he kept licking and nibbling at my
shoulders and neck the sensation tickling and making me feel sick to my
stomach.

“There we go angel,” he said finally moving causing a wave of shock to climb up
and down my spine making me gasp before I could stop myself, “God you’re so
tight, how are you always so tight?” He asked using my hips to guide his way in
and out as I stayed leaning on the bench on my knees using the wall the brace
myself as I tried to bite back the screams and cries trying to claw their way
out of my throat, “Oh fuck yeah,” He muttered into my skin.

At first, he moved slowly and then his pace picked up going faster and deeper
until he managed to find that spot. The pressure in my body started to grow
until it got to a point where I could no longer keep myself from crying. I
struggled to bite back my sobs as the pain grew in my groin as I got close to
climax. When he finished inside of me he didn’t pulled out right away but
stayed there kissing my neck and back and shoulders rubbing me gently but still
causing me pain causing me to sob and bite into my arm as I climaxed and he
pulled out. He held me so I didn’t collapse helping me turn around so I could
sit on the cold tile bench the chilly temperature feeling good numbing the
soreness I was feeling below the waist.

“Was I too rough?” he asked looking at me like he was really worried about my
wellbeing as I tried to stifle my tears and suck it up hating that I was crying
in front of him.

I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head pulling my knees up to my chest
shielding my body from his gaze as he looked at me that same look still in his
eyes, that same hungry look all of them always had when they looked at me.

He sighed, “Ok well, clean up and then I’ll meet you out in the foyer and do
your vitals ok?” He said and I just nodded my head. He dried off and put his
clothes back on shutting the bathroom door behind him.

I scrubbed myself as hard as I dared everything feeling sore and used. You
would think I would have been used to it by now since I was just about always
sore but taking nearly 11 inches is no small feat for anyone especially when
you’re already black and blue because someone got a little too careless when
treating you like a bottle in certain ways. my whole lower half was covered in
this stinging burning pain every time I took a step. When I was done in the
shower I found a fresh uniform by the sink and put it on rinsing my face with
cold water because it was very obvious I had been crying before I went out into
the foyer.
***** Chapter 17 *****
Chapter Summary
     John makes a deal with Neal unsure whether Neal will keep up his end
     of the bargain. John admits to himself he's broken as his friends
     worry about him and continue to do their best to protect him.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 303 to 319 short chapter, more hospital stuff Warnings: Rape/
     non-con, forced anal figuring, physical abuse, sexual abuse,
I don’t really remember much about vitals besides Gavin was the one who took
them and I just kept answering every question with how I wanted to go home, how
I was fine and I just wanted to go home. I figured home was better than this,
that home with just Da and sometimes Uncle Ben was better than dealing with
five different men a day shoving whatever they wanted to up my business end and
putting their mouths against my skin where it didn’t belong.

At least at home I could talk to Pat on the phone anytime I wanted even if I
wasn’t allowed to see him in person. At home, at least I had my brothers and
sisters there to give me something else to do. Something else to think about.

I sat down in the day room next to Adam who was already awake and he looked at
me closely watching me avoid his gaze, “Are you ok?” He asked me.

I just nodded my head biting my lower lip. I didn’t want to talk about it. I
didn’t want to really talk about any of it anymore. Why I was there, why I had
tried to kill myself. The fact that I was untouchable but obviously not. The
fact that Eric hated me because of a number on my hip or the fact that I was
just a toy like everyone there.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to call Pat and listen to his voice on the other
end of the phone telling me it would be ok, that he would try and sneak over to
see me when my Da was working or that he would see me at school in a week when
it started and we would sneak into the bushes into our spot where we would
smoke and he would hold me, his hands making me feel warm where I only ever
felt cold. Making me feel alive when I only ever felt dead.

“Did he keep you in back all night?” Adam asked me.

I didn’t respond.

“That bad huh?” he asked, trying again.

I pulled my knees up under my chin again folding in on myself trying to shut
the world out.

“He had me back there all evening until around 1am, Gavin did,” Adam said still
continuing his one-sided conversation, “I hated it. I couldn’t fall asleep for
the longest time. Had to crawl in bed with D to get the feeling of him staring
at me to go away. I honestly was surprised he didn’t do more than he did, his
rude jokes and remarks talking about how if Neal wasn’t around he would do this
that and the other thing.”

I shrugged my shoulders. I really didn’t feel like talking about it but that
wasn’t his fault. It really wasn’t something that I felt like discussing. How
Neal had just raped me after preforming oral on me all night until I could no
longer get hard because it hurt so much. Making me orgasm until it was
basically impossible for me to do so. I hoped that at least it would stop
others from touching me for the rest of the day but I had doubts that would be
the case.

“Are you going to speak at all?” Adam asked his eyes flashing to me worried.

What was I supposed to say? I didn’t want to speak because if I did I was
afraid I was going to scream? That I just wanted to go home? That even Leo was
better than Neal leaning into my back bumping up against that spot that made my
eyes start to roll and calling me angel because at least with Leo I didn’t have
to worry about screaming no don’t or stop because he liked hearing it and I
didn’t have to worry about being drugged against my will to the point where I
couldn’t scream?

Just then Dom hurried in his hair wet from his shower looking at me his eyes
wide, “Where were you last night?” He asked me to which I pointed at the desk
meaning I was in isolation.

“What does that mean?” He asked looking at the desk the skin on his neck
getting a green tint to it as he looked at Neal, “No, fuck. Are you ok?”

I shook my head burying my face in my knees. I didn’t want to talk about this,
I didn’t want to be here. I just wanted to be home. I wanted my mum and Pat and
my siblings. I wanted to feel safe which was something I really did not feel
anywhere near close to.

Dom sat down in the chair next to me making me flinch and hug my knees closer
to my chest. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him it was that I didn’t want to be
touched. My whole body just feeling on over load in a way it never had before.
I knew I needed to try and keep calm otherwise I’d end up in the back again for
Gavin or whoever to continue doing god knows what to me.

“Is there anything I can do?” Dom asked me.

I looked up running a shaky hand through my hair shaking my head. I didn’t know
what to say. What was there to say. I wanted Pat that’s all I wanted was to
talk to him, feel his hands on my skin erasing the past three days, hell I
would have probably even let him go below the waist band of my jeans just so it
was someone I wanted, just so the feeling on my skin, the memories were there
from someone I wanted. I started crying I knew if I spoke I would start
screaming so I bit my lips closed turning them into a thin white line.

“Oh John,” Dom said reaching his hand out hovering near my knee like he wanted
to touch me, to offer me comfort but he was afraid what touching me would do,
“Come on, let’s go to the room ok?” He said softly trying to keep me calm.

“Yeah man come on, I’ll walk you two down there,” Adam said nodding his head
standing up and walking to the door.

I unwrapped myself still crying silently, openly. I didn’t want to be here
anymore I just wanted to go home. I wanted Pat. I wanted him so bad I could
feel it in the ache in my bones. I moved slowly and stiffly walking down the
hallway to the room Dom and I shared. When I got into the room I climbed into
my bed and pulled the covers up over my head as Dom and Adam stood in the door
way whispering.

“Should we go tell someone?” Adam asked.

“No, not until Mr. Tony gets here,” Dom answered, “All anyone else is going to
do is make it worse you know why he’s like this. Neal did something really bad
to him. Nothing is going to make this better.

“I just want to go home,” I finally managed some words.

“Ok John,” Dom said softly walking over to me, “I can’t do that but can you
tell me what happened? I understand if you don’t want to talk about it but,
maybe you’ll feel better.”

I shook my head, “No, I just want to go home.”

“What if at lunch time I call Pat for you?” Dom asked me softly.

“He can’t come here so it doesn’t matter. I just want to go home,” I said
again.

“John please,” Dom said, “What happened?”

“I just want to go home,” I sniffled.

Adam sighed, “Hey, listen to me ok? You need to tell us what happened so we
know who we need to keep away from you ok? If for no other reason than that, at
least give us a name please?”

“Neal,” I said my whole body starting to shake, “I’m bruised because he…”

“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head, “Ok, we’ll keep you safe ok? I’ll try and get
Pat on the phone at lunch. Just try and stay calm so they don’t put you in the
back all right? At least not until he’s gone. His shift ends after breakfast
I’m pretty sure. You think you can stay calm?”

“I’ll try,” I answered, “Right now I just kind of what to, not be here so I’m
going to stay right here.”

“You have to go to goals group,” Adam said, “It’s boring just come up with a
goal and that’s it pretty much.”

“I can’t,” I answered, “Not with them out there I can’t.”

“We won’t let them near you John I swear it, I’ll tell Josh and he’ll keep them
away from you, all of us will I promise,” Adam said, “D and I and Josh will
protect you.”

“Yeah while Eric scoffs at all of us saying that I’m pathetic that I don’t know
anything? That I don’t understand what it’s like to hurt and thinks I want any
of them to…”

“Hey, we know you don’t want them to ok? We know and Eric knows that too he’s
just so lost in whatever Sam has shown him that no one else has he doesn’t see
it that way ok? They are all sick they are rapist, they rape us we don’t want
what they do none of us do,” Dom said.

“Yeah John, we’ll keep you as safe as we can you just have to stay calm ok?”
Adam said.

“I can’t not with them staring at me I can’t. I just want to go home,” I said.

“Please John,” Dom said, “We’ll be right there with you. They aren’t going to
touch you not as long as we are there I swear it.”

“He sucked me until I couldn’t…and then he,” I shook my head no able to think
about it anymore.

“It’s ok John,” Dom encouraged me, “it’s ok he won’t be able to touch you again
as long as you stay calm, alright?”

I nodded my head and swallowed. I really didn’t want to sit in a room with
them. I wanted to sit in a room with them as much as I wanted to be alone in a
room with my Da or Hank or Leo. They really were trying to break me and it was
working.

“Ok, let’s go to the day room and we’ll do goals and then breakfast,” Adam said
walking out into the hallway as Dom and I followed going into the day room
where everyone else was starting to gather.

Gavin smiled when he looked at me, “How are you the morning John? Did you have
a good night?” He asked as Dom looked at me waiting to see what I would do if I
was going to be calm or if I was going to freak out.

“I slept ok,” I lied as his smile grew.

“Good to hear it,” he said as Josh came in and Adam pulled him aside and
whispered something to him.

I noticed they made a circle of sorts around me Dom and Josh on one side and
Adam and Dillon on the other as I sat in the middle my knees tucked under my
chin trying to make myself as small as possible hoping that if I could stay
small I could go unnoticed however sad and useless the attempt may have been
sitting in a room with Neal and Gavin.

Tyler walked in still half asleep and took in the scene taking a chair and
pulling it away from the table towards us sitting in it backwards resting his
arms on the top and looking at me.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“He’ll be fine, we’ve got it,” Dom said looking at Tyler intensely to which
Tyler nodded in understanding.

“If you need me I’m here guys alright?’ Tyler said and Josh nodded his head.

“He’ll be all right, he’s a kid they would have to stick me with the biggest
ass dart in the world in order for me not to step in,” Josh assured Tyler.

“So, what is the next movie we’re watching?” Josh asked suddenly looking at
everyone, “Because I don’t know about you but today if she’ll let us I want
miss Kim to put a movie on during school because I am so tired of playing
Pictionary and it’s like the last week before real school work starts.”

“I wouldn’t mind watching the mask of Zorro again,” Adam said after everyone
was silent for a moment, “I mean it’s a good movie, hot girl lots of action.”

“Ok gentlemen,” Neal said coming into the room making me hug myself tighter as
he looked at me, “Let’s do our goals for today we’ll start to the left of the
room and work our way around.”

I don’t really remember everyone’s goals however I do remember Adam’s was to
see the mask of Zorro and mine was to get off restriction so I could eat down
in the cafeteria. Not that I didn’t like eating Lunch with Adam I just didn’t
want to be on the unit with Gavin for every meal or stuck in my room during
down time where he could repeat what happened yesterday. Especially because I
still felt sore and tender.

When it was time for breakfast, the trays came up as everyone else was lined up
to go down to breakfast and left for the cafeteria leaving Adam and I alone in
the day room as some girl in a hair net brought us our trays and sat them at
the table in front of us. When Adam pulled his off he sighed.

“I hate French toast.”

“I don’t mind it actually,” I said looking carefully at the two pieces of
French toast and eggs with sausage links we had been given.

“Are you going to be able to eat this?” He asked me looking at me carefully
watching my body language as I myself noticed the way my hands were shaking.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head not sure if it was true or not. I was afraid
between Neal and Gavin. I was afraid even though Gavin was down in the
cafeteria I didn’t really feel all that hungry. my whole body still remembering
the night before what had happened how Neal had done those things to me all
night more or less.

“Hey,” Adam said, “John you’re safe right now ok?”

I touched my face to brush my hair behind my ear and felt wetness on my cheek
not even aware I was crying before that moment, “Yeah sorry,” I mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry, Neal is…he’s not very nice,” Adam said.

“You know?” I asked.

“Better than some yeah,” Adam said nodding his head raising his eyebrows at me
sadly and grimacing, “Ask Nurse Pam for some ice it’ll make it feel better.”

“Won’t she ask for what?” I asked.

“Just tell her it’s a personal problem and she won’t ask too many questions,”
Adam answered pouring his cup of syrup on his French toast.

“I’m supposed to see her anyway,” I said.

“For the stitches, it seems like you’re trying to hide on your arm? Yeah, she’s
supposed to give you a jacket or something. I’m sure she’ll be by in a little
while she’s got to get meds set up first and then she’ll probably come get
you,” Adam said taking a bite of his sausage link and making a face.

“Don’t like sausage?” I asked chuckling a little as I realized how that could
be taken.

“There you are,” He said after he swallowed, “Not my favorite food no, I just
think it taste kind of gross like greasy.”

“At least it’s not oatmeal,” I said biting into my own food, “I was on an
oatmeal diet before I tried to…before I ended up here.”

“Ah, yeah I think you told me that,” Adam said, “Been there done that, hated
it.”

Just then Neal came in and sat down at the table next me making me freeze up.
He wasn’t going to do anything in front of someone else, right? He wasn’t going
to tell me I needed to come with him and pull me into the back where he was
going to keep going?

“Hey angel, hey Adam,” he said causing Adam to glare at him.

“Don’t,” Adam said shaking his head.

“Don’t what?” he asked.

“Taunt him, leave him alone he’s a kid,” Adam warned him.

“What you going to play instead?” He asked looking at Adam whose face drained
of color, “That’s what I thought.”

“Can I finish eating?” I asked without even thinking about it.

I hadn’t realized it then but what they had wanted to achieve they had. They
had broken me. Gotten me so used to submitting and not having a choice in the
matter that it seemed to me like it was unavoidable. They had me begging to go
home begging to be in a place where Leo and my Da and my Da’s friends were the
only ones who could get to me, who could touch me because at least most of them
hurt. Most of them were rough while it was happening and not just my body
fighting with the consequences of the after.

“Yeah Johnny Angel,” he said looking at me closely his hand hovering near mine
which was on the table in front of me. I knew he wanted to grab it, wanted to
touch me. I felt like I was squirming in my skin, in a place where I couldn’t
escape.

“You’re sick you know that?” Adam asked looking at him, glaring at him.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe my hands shaking so badly I couldn’t hold my
fork anymore. I didn’t want him that close to me but I knew there wasn’t
anything I could do. The only thing I could do was listen to him and hope to
god he didn’t do anything in front of people that I didn’t want them to see.

“But, I’m oh so great at sucking cock don’t you remember Adam?” He asked an
evil sneer on his face.

Adam swallowed hard,” Don’t.” He shook his head.

“What? Like he hasn’t experienced it for himself?” Neal said looking at both of
us, “Aren’t I good?”

“I’m…I’m not hungry anymore,” I answered.

“You’re so…I don’t believe this. He’s 13 years old you know how wrong this is?
He doesn’t want you to. I don’t want you. None of this is ok why do you think
this is ok?” Adam said a shocked look on his face.

“It’s not my job to judge what is ok or not it’s my job to make sure all of you
understand what exactly it is you’re dealing with here,” Neal hissed, “You are
supposed to understand we’re in charge not you and not him, we are. The sooner
you get that the sooner you can go home. Now Johnny Angel is going to be a good
little toy and he’s going to come with me when he’s done eating aren’t you
beautiful?”

“I just want to go home,” I said clapping a hand over my mouth to keep myself
from sobbing.

I didn’t want this I would rather it was my Da then this, then him. I didn’t
want any of them near me. I didn’t want to have to feel them on my skin anymore
not ever.

When everyone warned me they would make sure you never tried to kill yourself
again they were right. I thought the gang bangs and the small parties my Da
hosted were bad at least those weren’t every day. After only a day and half of
being in this place I felt like being at home was heaven even if it meant I had
to deal with Leo there. After three I knew being at home made me lucky. Lucky
that I didn’t have to be like this every day.

Sure, there was Leo once I got back but at least once my contract picked up Leo
would only be on the weekends and my Da would drop down to once a day or less
but here. Five different people five times a day I couldn’t take that. I
couldn’t deal with the feeling of that many hands on my skin, that many voices
in my head. And at least at home there was the chance of Pat, of a phone call
anytime I wanted instead of having to wait for phone time once a day to talk to
him, to hear him tell me I was going to be ok when I needed him so badly.
Needed to hear his voice. Hell, he could have been telling me that world was
about to end and as long as it was coming from him it would have been a
comfort.

Just then nurse Pam knocked on the day room door and walked in, “Hey John I
have…” She looked up frowning at how close Neal was sitting to me, “Is
everything ok here?”

Neal cleared his throat, “Yeah everything is fine just making sure they’re
eating these two are both on watch for ED behaviors,” He excused himself.

“Yeah well you know there’s no PC and even if you aren’t touching John you’re a
little close for comfort I think,” Nurse Pam said frowning, “So if you don’t
mind I think I’ll sit here with them for a while.”

“Anything you say,” Neal said forcing a smile and getting up and walking away.

I sighed. I was thankful but I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want her to
know why or guess that I was that uncomfortable that he had been talking about
forcing himself on me his lips on me in certain places when his lips shouldn’t
be near me at all.
“Are you ok John? You’re shaking,” Nurse Pam said sitting down next to me and I
nodded my head in response, “Burgess?”

“Yeah, I’m cool,” Adam answered going back to his food.

“Ok good,” Nurse Pam said, “I brought you a hoody, it’s a zip up. Just wear it
to keep your arm covered ok John?”

“Thank you,” I said taking the hoody she was handing me and slipping my arms
into it.

It was gray and about three times too big for me big enough that if I zipped it
up I could fit my whole body inside of it if I sat with my knees to my chest
like I had been all morning before I sat down at the table. I was actually
thankful for that. Feeling almost like it was something that would keep me safe
from them. Another layer of protection between me and them, my body and their
eyes.

“Here’s your medication, John take it and then when you’re done open your mouth
and show me that it’s gone I need to see under your tongue too,” She said as
she handed me a tiny cup with one tiny white pill in it. I took it swallowing
it quickly and washing it down with some grape juice in a cup on my tray and
opened my mouth showing her it was no longer there lifting up my tongue so she
could check for it, “Good, thank you.” She said smiling as she handed Burgess
his cup with a bunch of pills in it.

I did manage to eat all of my food in a timely manner even though my stomach
was in knots watching Neal watching me from the desk in the foyer. I felt
uneasy burying myself into my hoody that Nurse Pam had given me trying to
ignore the feeling of his eyes on me. After I was done eating I went up to the
med line and asked Pam for some ice and just like Adam said she would she
didn’t ask any questions. I managed to shove the ice down my pants under my
hoody as I sat on the couch and it made a world of difference the numbness
feeling so much better than the stinging soreness of my bruises. It didn’t take
long for everyone to return from breakfast the room filling up as we got ready
for group. When it seemed like almost everyone was back I decided to get up and
use the bathroom.

I looked myself in the mirror when I was done which is something I didn’t do
often not being able to stand the sight of myself and I noticed how tired I
looked how my cheeks were looking sunken and hallow and how I looked too thin
for my height which I apparently had been gaining faster then I realized. I
sighed if only they would leave me alone then maybe my body wouldn’t feel so
worn out, so sore. I heard someone enter the room beyond the closed bathroom
door and at first I hoped it was just Dom but when they opened the door it was
Neal and he sent me running into the stall slamming the door shut.

“Now, now don’t be that way,” Neal said as I hit the latch locking him out my
whole body shaking.

“Please don’t I’m still sore please just don’t,” I said trying to stop my heart
from pounding in my chest keeping myself as far back in the stall as I could so
he couldn’t grab my legs and pull me to the floor and out the gap in the bottom
of the stall.
“Come on out Johnny Angel, I won’t hurt I swear. I know I got a little carried
away last night and I’m sorry. You just taste so good, I can make you feel good
in other ways though if you let me,” he said quietly like he was trying sooth
me.

“No,” I whined shaking my head, “Please.”

“Come on beautiful just a little bit. Kiss you and make you tingle in the all
the right places, you’ll enjoy it,” he cooed.

“I don’t want to,” I insisted.

“Yes, you do,” he said, “It’ll feel good my tongue up in there, my fingers
finding that sweet spot that will make you moan.”

I felt the air catch in my lungs. I didn’t want it. It didn’t matter what he
said, what my body made him think. I hated it.

I didn’t want any of them to touch me like that. I would rather die than have
him touch me again. I would rather Leo or my Da be on top of me doing things
again then letting Neal touch me again. I snapped my eyes shut leaning against
the wall hoping that he would just go away and leave me there, leave me alone.

“You come out I’ll talk to the doctor about getting you off of restriction.
I’ll tell him you’ve been good maybe even tell him you’re just about ready to
go home,” Neal said.

I sighed. I wasn’t sure I could trust him considering how badly he seemed to
like me. How much he wanted to be with me. If I meant getting out of here
though away from him what chance did I really have? If I didn’t do it would he
tell them I wasn’t ready to leave just to keep me there longer?

“Do you mean it?” I asked.

“I swear,” he answered, “Just come out and play with me ok?”

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” I asked.

“You have to trust me.” He answered, “You let me do whatever I want and don’t
say a word against it I’ll tell Dr. Swartzman anything you want me to.”

“Will you tell him that I’m better? That I won’t ever try to kill myself again,
that I’ll do whatever he wants as long as he lets me go home?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah Angel, anything you want. Just come out here and play. Let me taste you
ok?” Neal answered.

I sighed flexing my shaking hands. I didn’t want to do this but I felt like it
would get me away from him, from all of them and back home where I needed to be
even if I had to spend the weekends with Leo. I opened the stall door
swallowing knowing what I was agreeing to and hating myself for it but feeling
like it was the lesser of two evils. Just one last time so I could get out of
here, so I could be at home.

“Good boy,” he said as I pulled the stall door open, “Now remember you can’t
protest. Any protest and our deal is off ok? I don’t want to have to take you
in the back. If anyone asks why you weren’t at group just tell them you were
having a private meeting with me, talking about personal matters. Now come on.”

He lead me over to my bed by the hand sitting down next to me caressing my
cheek gently as I tried to control my shaking knowing that he was probably
going to hurt me considering how bruised I was in certain places from the night
before as he leaned in kissing me at first slow sliding his tongue into my
mouth and then getting rougher pushing me back onto the bed forcing me feet to
leave the ground and laying me back as he pulled my shirt up over my head. I
closed my eyes and once he broke our kiss I locked my jaw tightly trying to
hold onto the thought that if I kept quiet, if I just let him do it I could get
out of here, that I could go home.

“You’re shaking are you scared?” He asked throwing my shirt on the ground,
“There isn’t any need to be scared Angel. I’ll treat you good I promise, lay on
your stomach,” he said undoing the snaps holding my pants up as he got up
giving me room to follow his direction.

I rolled over as he pulled my pants off gently throwing them on the floor as he
straddled me starting to massage my shoulders and back making me tense up my
whole body shaking harder. Shit this was a horrible idea. I couldn’t do this, I
couldn’t take the thought of him inside me and would have tried to sit up if he
hadn’t of been so heavy against my 5’4 104-pound frame. I moaned as he pushed
my shoulders down biting and kissing on the back of my neck.

“Now now, we have to be quiet, don’t we? No protest or this deal is off,
remember?” he said as I nodded my head curling my hand around the side of the
mattress and squeezing figuring I was going to feel his weight shift so he
could put a condom on or push his fingers inside me to prepare me for a bigger
object.

Instead he leaned forward putting his weight on top of me as his hands rubbed
up and down my sides sending that cold fire up and down my spine as he licked
his way down. Making me bite back a cry of fear and surprise. His hand pushed
my cheeks apart as his tongue slid down my crack almost making me cry out as I
bit down into the pillow his tongue drawing a circle around my asshole before
he licked it straight on making me whimper as he lapped at it.

When he heard my whimper, he stopped, “No Angel calm down. You’re all right.”
He breathed into my tail bone.

I managed to swallow back any sounds as he poked and prodded eventually putting
a finger in there nudging up against my prostate repeatedly as I struggled to
keep my whimpering to a minimum the heat pooling in my groin as my climax
started building both his finger and his tongue doing things to me I didn’t
want. He made me climax underneath us his fingers still hitting that spot over
and over making me wish for death with each stroke. When he was done, I
couldn’t move I was shaking so badly. He didn’t rape me with his Penis he just
did that and then left me there my eyes closed trying to making my skin stop
crawling trying to will the feeling of his tongue and fingers away.

I don’t remember moving for the longest time just curling into the fetal
position and crying telling myself it was worth it. That it was ok because I’d
be getting out of here. Because I wouldn’t have to deal with them, Neal, Gavin
and Sam anymore. After I heard movement out in the hallway I grabbed my clothes
and went into the bathroom putting them on and when I heard a knock on the door
I jumped my body still shaking. Me still not able to calm down but afraid of
what would happen if I couldn’t.

“John?” Dom asked cracking the door as I pulled my shirt over my head, “Are you
ok?”

I just shook my head biting my lips together not wanting to talk or think about
it. Just kind of wanting someone to let me die or get me the hell out of the
nightmare I was stuck in. I felt sick to my stomach and like if I opened my
mouth I was going to scream and I think it was evident on my face because Dom
backed up a little looking at me real worry in his face.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “ok. Do you want me to get you anything?”

I shook my head no. I didn’t know what else to do. My skin still crawling.

“I’ll be right back ok?” Dom asked me before leaving the room quickly.

A minute later Mr. Tony came in and I was huddled in the corner of the bathroom
rocking back and forth trying to calm myself down trying to stop myself from
shaking. I didn’t want to be here anymore I just wanted to go home honestly.

Mr. Tony sighed heavily, “It was Neal, wasn’t it?”

I didn’t say anything. I was trying to calm down enough that he didn’t have to
put me in isolation. Isolation meant Neal or Gavin, isolation meant no control
what so ever and I knew I should be grateful that Neal didn’t do that again
since it seemed like that was something he really wanted to do. Because he kept
talking about tasting me the feel of his tongue still on my skin in places it
didn’t belong making me want to hurt myself. Making me want to cut into my skin
so I could feel something else, anything else.

“John all you have to do is nod your head, alright? If you tell me that’s why I
don’t have to put in your chart you were avoiding group. I can make this work.
I can make this ok,” Mr. Tony pleaded with me.

I sighed not sure I could speak without screaming. I swallowed and when I spoke
it was like a horse whispered, “Yeah.”

“Ok,” he said, “I need you to try and calm down so you can go to class. If you
can’t you know what’s going to happen and I have to go down to the classroom
today so I can’t be there to keep you safe. Can you try to calm down?”

“He said if I let him he’d get me out and I thought I could do it but now all I
feel is…,” I trailed off.

“Wait when? I thought he did something last night are you saying he did
something during group? When he was supposed to be doing paperwork before he
left?” Tony asked his eyes wide and then angry, “That asshole. I’m going to
kill him.”

“Don’t. I’ll be ok just, just don’t,” I mumbled sighing as I stood up my body
still feeling sticky in certain places making me want to just sit back down and
not move again so I didn’t have to be reminded of the fact that I had a body. A
body that people used. A body that did things I didn’t want it to do.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Let’s get you off to class and then I’ll bring
you up here for lunch all right?”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I was looking forward to class as we all lined
up to leave the unit Josh and Dom on one side with Dillon and Adam on the other
keeping me shielded from Gavin even though I could have sworn I could feel him
staring at me as we left all heading to the classroom. We walked silently
meeting the girls outside the door.

A couple of them smiled brightly at us Debbie included as we entered the room
which was painted mint green with the alphabet painted onto the walls reminding
me more of a day care then an actual classroom but we all sat down anyway four
people to a table besides at one table where there was five. The teacher passed
out a folder to each person and we spent three hours doing work sheets while
she sat and read a book. At the end of the three hours I felt hot and like
everyone was staring at me on the verge of a panic attack.

Someone knocked on the door and I jumped making some of the girls around me and
Eric laugh as Josh shot me a worried look. It was Gavin just like I was sure he
was there to take those on restriction back to the Unit to eat lunch. I felt
like I had swallowed a stone. I didn’t want to go anywhere with him. Just then
as everyone went to line up Adam came up behind me and whispered into my ear.

“It’s ok man I’m right here,” he said.

I just nodded my head as those of us that were on restriction lined up and
followed Gavin out into the hallway past the cafeteria. I was dreading being
back on the unit just the two of us and then I saw her. She looked different
like a shell of herself and I wanted to run to her to hold her and tell her it
was ok that she wasn’t crazy that I wasn’t crazy that somehow things would be
ok but her eyes looked half vacant like she was sleep walking like she didn’t
even see me and I was afraid to stop and try to speak to her because if I did I
was breaking rules. Rules I couldn’t afford to break.
When we got up to the unit lunch was already in the day room. It was grilled
cheese and tomato soup which I couldn’t eat. Gavin ended up sitting next to me
and half way behind me almost trapping me in. He made sure no one was watching
as he started rubbing my back Adam glaring at him.

“Stop torturing him,” Adam warned looking at him.

“It’s so fun though,” Gavin said, “And he’s very beautiful. Look at him you
know you want a piece.”

“He’s 13, what is wrong with you people? He’s a kid look at him he’s terrified
of you all of you,” Adam hissed using his spoon to point at Gavin punctuating
his words with it.

“He’s 13 yeah but god is he amazing, he feels nice he tastes better than anyone
I’ve ever had you should try him. If you want me to I can arrange it,” Gavin
teased as my stomach heaved.

“Dude you might want to move before he throws up on you but I’m kind of hoping
he does because you deserve it,” Adam said as I threw up in my own hand not
able to hold it down any longer.

“Nasty!” Gavin yelled jumping up from his seat letting me go as I continued to
throw up repeatedly all over myself.

“GAVIN WHAT THE HELL YOU”RE NOT SUPPOSED TO JUST STAND THERE GET HIM A BUCKET
OR SOMETHING!” Nurse Pam shouted rushing over, “Oh darling you’re ok come on,
let’s run you shower ok? What’s wrong? Your stomach just upset?”

“I want to go home,” I said as soon as I stopped throwing up all over myself.

“Come on darling you’re ok, here I’ll have Gavin run you shower ok?” Nurse Pam
said.

“NO!” I said shaking my head, “NO I don’t need his help no!” I insisted.

“Ok,” Nurse Pam said not even questioning why I was freaking out, “Ok you’re
going to be fine just calm down everything is ok just stand here and wait and
I’ll go in and turn on the shower for you all right?”

I nodded my head. I felt really sick knowing what he was going to do to me the
moment the door to that bathroom was shut after nurse Pam left it. I didn’t
care that I was covered in vomit I didn’t want to go in that bathroom. I didn’t
want his hands on my skin where I could already feel them. Adam came out from
where ever he was and looked at me.

“Are you going to be ok?” He asked me.

“No,” I shook my head knowing what was going to happen that I had no choice
because they wouldn’t let me just peel off my clothes and give me new ones
after I washed off in the bathroom sink. I didn’t want to do this especially
because I was still sore down there which was always their go to place it felt
like when they were in a hurry and if I stayed out here to shower it didn’t
give him much time to do anything else.

Nurse Pam left the bathroom, “It’s on come on, I’ll be right here when you get
back out I promise I have to go grab you a clean uniform and then you can lay
down early ok?”

“No, don’t make me please,” I begged.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of you’re ok,” Nurse Pam insisted, “Come on, if
you don’t shower out here I’m going to have to take you into isolation ok?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to have sex with Gavin I didn’t want him
touching me. I didn’t want to be that bathroom alone with him or anywhere else
which I knew was probably going to happen anyway because free time was right
after lunch which was when he had done it the day before. Forced himself on me,
the feeling of his tongue against my skin licking at my balls and my shaft
sucking making my climax and then telling me how badly he wanted to stick his
tongue in other places how he wanted to know what I tasted like on the inside
too.

“John why are you shaking?” Nurse Pam asked me.

“I don’t want to, please I don’t want to, please don’t make me, please I’ll do
anything but that please don’t make me,” I begged.

“Ok John, I need you to calm down honey you’re having a panic attack,” Nurse
Pam said, “I’ll be right back ok? I can give you something to help you out here
but I don’t want to if I don’t have to so I’m going to talk to the doctor.”

“Hey,” Adam said softly standing next me, “You’re ok all right?”

“I can’t,” I repeated, “Please don’t let him I can’t.”

“I’m sorry kid,” Adam said quietly, “Just try and suck it up and maybe you can
go home, right? If you just do it and you don’t beg them not to and you don’t
fight them they’ll let you go home. I’ve seen it happen so many times just
pretend it’s someone else ok?”
“I can’t. I don’t want to,” I said, “I don’t want to have sex with him and he’s
going to make me.”

“I know, try to build a castle. I wish I could help you I really do I mean it
but there is nothing I can do here. Even if I throw myself at him he’ll do it
to you anyway. I’m sorry John,” Adam replied.

I nodded my head sighing trying to pull myself out of my panic, trying to find
a way to reside myself to my fate. I didn’t want his hands on me. I didn’t want
to be anywhere alone with Gavin or any of them. I sighed stepping toward the
bathroom door as Gavin reappeared carrying a clean uniform smiling brightly.

“Come on John,” He said, “You don’t want the water to get cold.”

I swallowed and nodded my head going into the bathroom. Jumping out of my skin
as I heard the bathroom door slam shut behind me knowing Gavin was in there
with me. I pulled off my shirt throwing it on the floor and undid my pants as
fast as I could hoping if I could get under the water and soaped up before he
got his hands on me I’d be ok I could get out of doing anything I didn’t want
to do but the moments my pants dropped before I could step out of them his
hands were around my waist and he was kissing up the back of my neck.

“No,” I begged shaking my head.

“It’s ok, Angel,” He said as his hands slid lower him getting on his knees his
tongue sliding the same path that Neal’s had. His tongue breeching me making my
eyes go wide as I tried to pull away.

“Please I’m sore,” I begged.

He stopped for a minute, “Neal told me. That doesn’t mean we can’t play though.
It’ll be gone in a day or two we can do other things though.”

“Please,” I begged again.

“If you don’t I’ll put you in the back, I’ll use all seven rubbers in my pocket
and I’ll enjoy every minute of it. Would you rather one round or seven
throughout the day?” He warned.

I felt like I was going to be sick again. I still hadn’t stopped shaking since
the morning tired of unwanted touches and stares everything putting me on edge.
He was giving me a choice no matter how badly it sucked. Let him use me so he
would leave me alone for a while or get myself shoved into isolation. I nodded
my head as he allowed me to step forward into the shower.

I didn’t look at him but rinsed myself off under the water pumping soap into my
hand from a soap dispenser on the wall rinsing off my chest. I saw him move out
of the corner of my eye coming towards me already erect before he grabbed me
hard by the chin and pinned me against the wall all at once shoving his tongue
down my throat before he rolled me over so my face was pressed against the cold
tile as he forced his fingers into me stretching and probing me quickly before
I could really be ready and then replacing them with himself ramming into me
quite hard making me cry out.

“Sorry Angel I didn’t mean to hurt just give it a minute ok?” He asked kissing
and biting my shoulders and massaging my hips as he held them like handles to
keep me in place, keep me still.

The first thrusts were hard making me whimper but then he adjusted his pace
going slower and pushing harder pushing against my prostate making me whimper.
I didn’t want to make sounds for him the sounds seeming to keep him going
making him excited as he started whispering things in my ear.

“That’s a good angel yeah, god you feel so good inside so warm and tight and
soft I may never want another boy here again after you, god you’re amazing
everything about you is amazing,” he moaned pulling out only to push back in
again slamming against that spot as I bit into my forearm to keep myself silent
biting down hard the pain giving me something else to focus on something I
could control instead of what my body was telling me.

My body was telling me that it felt good, that I wanted it when I knew I
didn’t. He thrusted hard one last time and then stopped moving as he came.
Leaving me breathless my whole body shaking. He helped me over to the tile
bench and allowed me to sit down as he took soap from the dispenser into his
hand and washed himself and then did the same to me, “You’re such a good boy.”
He said as he applied the soap to my chest and grabbed my arms to do the same
to them.

He frowned looking at my right arm, “You bit yourself?” he asked as if he were
offended, “Your sounds are so amazing though as long as they aren’t loud you
can make all the noise you want angel with me it’s ok understand?”

I nodded my head feeling numb as I let him wash me my whole body frozen feeling
numb and dead. I was sick of them all of them against my skin and I had never
taken a shower or been washed and felt dirtier in my life after I was supposed
to be clean. I just wanted to go home, to be somewhere they couldn’t touch me.
I thought again of all the warnings I had been given before I tried to kill
myself why it would be a bad idea to try and I felt like an idiot for not
taking them seriously. When Pat warned that they would try to break me he was
right. This place was real hell where before I had already thought I was there
now I knew the truth. This was hell and home was purgatory and seemed almost
heavenly compared to the reality here.

When he was done washing me he left me there handing me a towel while he put
his clothes back on and used the hand dryer on the wall to dry his hair so it
didn’t look wet and then he left. I sat there for a while shivering because the
air around me was cold, because I was sick and tired and wasn’t sure anywhere
was safe so I thought I might as well stay where I was. I waited until my
breathing even out until I felt like I wasn’t going to scream and then got
dressed not even bothering to go to the day room but to my room because it was
free time and that’s where I was supposed to be. When I got there Dom was
sitting on his bed reading a book.

“Burgess told me what happened,” Dom said looking up at me, “Is there anything
I can do?”

“I don’t know,” I answered as Dom came over to me and grabbed my hand and I
squeezed back, “I just want to go home.”

“I know. I know you want Pat too and I’m sorry I can’t do those things for
you,” Dom answered, “If there was anything I could do though, you’d let me
know, right?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head as I climbed into my own bed, “I’m going to try
and sleep can you…stay?”

“To make sure they don’t come?” He asked and I nodded my head, “I’ll try. I
won’t fall asleep I’ll sit here and read ok?”

“Thanks,” I said rolling my blankets around me covering my head and closing my
eyes hoping I would fall asleep and get some real rest.
***** 18 *****
Chapter Summary
     John tries to strike a bargain with Leo even though he's struggling
     with his reality. Dom sticks up for him in a very big way and causes
     some people to ask John questions about their relationship and makes
     John question whether Dom might have some feelings that are stronger
     than just friendship.
Chapter Notes
     319 to 340. Warnings: delinquent behavior, talk of sexual assault,
     threats of rape, sexual harassment, blackmail
I did fall asleep but when I was woken up in time for life skills I didn’t feel
rested. I still felt tired and sore and sick and like I just wanted to go home,
still. I felt like Gavin was going to spend the whole entire group staring at
me. Undressing me with his eyes as I tried to make myself as small as possible.
I dreaded being in a room with him or Neal no matter how many other people were
in it.

As I walked down the hallway to the group room Mr. Tony called my name causing
me to turn around a look at him confused. Why did he want me? Was he going back
on what he said? Was he trying to get me someplace alone so he could do things
to me too? I didn’t think I could take anymore my whole being fried beyond a
point I could handle.

“Dr. Swartzman wants to see you really quick before you go to life skills,” Mr.
Tony told me.

“Oh,” I said barely a whisper. So, it wasn’t Mr. Tony trying to get me alone it
was Leo. Leo wanted me. He wanted me in a place where it would probably just be
him and I so he could do things I didn’t want to do. Things that I should be
trying to get used to because pretty soon that would be my life every weekend
all weekend long. I exhaled deeply nodding my head.

“You ok?” Mr. Tony asked raising a curious eyebrow at me.

I just nodded my head a followed him out of the unit and down the hall to the
area where the Doctors office was. I sighed as Mr. Tony opened the door and
gestured for me to walk into the room shutting the door behind me.

“Hi beautiful,” Leo said smiling at me warmly as I stood there lingering close
to the door not wanting to come any closer than I had to because I knew his
hands would be on me even if they weren’t anywhere private. I didn’t want him
touching me, didn’t feel like I could deal with it, “Neal talked to me.”

“Yeah?” I asked quietly.

“He said you were begging him to go home,” Leo said, “Do you really want to go
home? Or do you just not want to be here?”

“I want to go home,” I answered.

“What about my home?” He asked me standing up making my heart jump into my
throat.

Did I want to go home with Leo? Deal with Leo and no one else? The idea did
have appeal at least with Leo as far as I knew it was only him that I had to
deal with. At least I knew what to expect from him. I sighed and nodded my
head.

He smiled widely at that, “Ok, I’ll call your Dad and see what he says. Will
you be a good boy for me?”

I pulled my arms tighter around me. Would I? What exactly he was asking of me I
wasn’t sure since good could mean a number of different things. It could mean
not fighting him, or pushing him away just a little bit. It could mean no sound
or making every sound that wanted to spill out of me. I wasn’t sure what he
meant and not knowing what he meant caused me to feel a wave of panic I
couldn’t explain. The shaking that I had managed to get rid of after getting
some rest coming back as I balled my hands into fist trying to get it to
subside once more.

I swallowed, “I’ll do whatever you want me to if you just let me leave,
please.”

“Well,” he said, “I also talked to Gavin and Gavin said you were resistant
earlier.”

“Because I’m sore,” I answered.

“Sore how?” He asked frowning.

I didn’t want to talk about that with him. How my penis was sore because Neal
had been too rough, done whatever it was he did for too long. How I felt like I
had been forced to take too many people and allow them into my body. How it
hurt to both sit and stand all at once and I couldn’t seem to get comfortable
in my skin no matter how hard I tried.

“Talk to me baby,” he said quietly, “Sore how?”

“Below my waist,” I answered simply trying to be vague not really wanting to
talk about it.

“Was someone a little too rough? Neal is…well equipped. He can sometimes get a
little too excited. Is that what you mean?” Leo asked looking at me waiting for
an answer.

“Just huh, he bruised me,” I answered.

“Oh!” Leo said nodding his head, “Ok well, I want you to come home with me but
with what Gavin told me I’m not sure you’re ready to. I like someone who will
plead a little but not someone who will try to pull away you understand what I
mean?” He asked me.

“I understand,” I said swallowing still not looking at him.

“How about we give it until Monday all right? Then we’ll see?” He asked me.
Causing my whole body to shudder.

There was no way I could do this for three more days. No way I could stand to
have them against my skin for three more days. I would beg for him to kill me
before I could deal with three more days of Neal and Gavin and Sam. Sam who
worked the weekend who would probably be worse than anyone else.

“You’re crying baby, can you tell me why?” Leo asked.

“I can’t, please. Just take me away. I’ll do anything just don’t let them do
that to me anymore please,” I begged.

“I’m not sure you’re ready to leave yet though and I have to make sure you’re
ready, you understand that, don’t you?” Leo asked me.

“I don’t want to have sex with them though,” I said before I realized what I
had said slamming my hand over my mouth, my eyes going wide.

“Is there someone else you’d rather have sex with?” He asked me smiling, “Would
you rather have sex with just me?”

I swallowed before I nodded my head. Yes, I would rather it was just one person
then three or four. I didn’t want to have sex with Leo either but at least I
didn’t have to worry about switching things up to please him. At least he was
adult enough not to bruise me in very intimate places because he got too
excited.

At least he needed breaks. At least usually if it was with him or my Da it was
once or twice a day maybe three times a day with one person and not one or two
times a day with two people per person. I thought three times was a little
excessive but five times a day had me wanting to cut my dick off and hang
myself. I would take two times out of five any day especially considering I was
a 13-year-old boy who didn’t want any of the attention to begin with.

“You promise?” He asked trying to be coy, trying to flirt with me.

“I promise,” I answered quietly as he came forward and hugged me holding me
tightly against his chest making me tense up.

“Your ok baby,” he said running his fingers through my hair, “Anything you want
to ask me for?”

“Can I leave tomorrow?” I asked again.

“No baby, I don’t think so. However, I will tell them you’re mine ok? No more
touching. That way when I do let you leave you’ll be all healed up because I
know you’re sore. Neal is impressive if you know what I mean probably stretched
your wide-open right?”

I just nodded my head. He had, his size always made him burn as he went in. Not
as bad as doubles but still pretty bad. However, once he got into a rhythm it
wasn’t the pain that bothered me but more the pleasure the way he managed to
hit that spot so easily. The bruising on my dick was probably more worrisome
because it made even pissing kind of painful.

“I’ll tell them they can’t even look at you that way your nice and healed up.
I’ll see you again tomorrow let me know how you’re feeling and I’ll call your
Dad and let him know that he should be gentle if he can’t control himself ok?”
Leo said and nodded my head.

“So when can I go home?” I asked.

“Monday or Tuesday I think,” Leo said, “Give you more time to adjust to the
Zoloft can you tell me how you’re feeling physically? are you more tired today
then you have been?”

“Yeah but I didn’t exactly sleep well last night. I got a nap a couple minutes
ago, and so I feel a little better but still kind of tired,” I answered.

“Any Tremors? You do seem like your shaking a little bit but do you think
that’s because of anxiety or something else?” Leo asked me.

“Anxiety, I was ok for a little while,” I answered, “After I got some sleep.
But I don’t know I feel nervous and it just…I can’t stop it.”

“Ok,” Leo said nodding his head, “Well watch it see what happens if it gets to
be a problem we might have to change it up but that’s ok. Are you feeling less
anxious and depressed since the morning or more?”

“After my nap I feel a little better,” I answered, “I just don’t want them to
touch me anymore.”

“Ok, well I’ll take care of that and you can take care of me later when you’re
out all right baby?” Leo said finally letting go of me allowing me to move
freely as I rolled my shoulders, “Do I make you nervous?”

“I…” I trailed off, “I don’t know.”

“It’s ok if I make you a little nervous baby,” Leo said, “You’ll get used to me
I promise. I don’t like hurting my boys. I don’t like restraints or pain. I
want you to enjoy yourself as much as I’m enjoying myself ok? I’ll make sure
you feel good with me when we’re together I promise.”

“Ok,” I nodded my head still feeling numb knowing what I had more or less
agreed to. That I was his. His to use, to touch and make squirm. I felt like I
didn’t have a choice. Like it was choosing the lesser of two evils.

“Ok you can go now. Don’t be any later for group then you have to be beautiful.
I’ll check up on you tomorrow and your Dad and then if you need me I’m on call
this weekend but otherwise just try and relax, rest and then Monday is your
last week before school starts, right?” He asked me.

“Yes, I think so,” I answered.

“Ok cool you can go home with me then and we’ll relax and spent some time
together,” he said smiling as he opened the door allowing me to leave the room
and go back out into the hall where Tony was still standing, waiting.

“You ok?” Mr. Tony asked me.

“Yeah, I’m all right,” I answered.

“You sure? you look upset,” Mr. Tony said again.

“Yeah, it’s nothing I’m fine. Don’t worry about it,” I answered quickly as we
started walking down the hall back towards the unit.

“Did he tell you when you’re getting out?” Mr. Tony asked.

“Monday maybe,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Well that’s good, right? Going home, back to your family,” Mr. Tony said.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head as he turned the key in the double door and
I hit the handle going back to the unit.

I don’t remember what life skills was about. My whole brain felt numb blocking
out all emotion so I could process what I had just agreed to. I had agreed to
my contract which was probably one of the reasons I was here in the first
place; to get me to agree. To make me complacent. I felt sick to my stomach
knowing that was the honest to god truth. That they had put me here to show me
how bad things could really be. How I should consider myself lucky because I
didn’t have bend over for every person that asked me to usually.

We all lined up at the double doors again when group was over heading down to
the art room. When we entered the room, there was art easels all over the room
18 of them one for each person. Karri was standing there next to a table
covered in old shirts that were about 1000 times too big for any of us. She
smiled happily.
“Ok now everyone I know last time we colored because we were looking for
something easy and Clara drew something. Can I share Clara?” She asked looking
at Clara.

“Yeah, I don’t mind,” Clara answered smiling.

“Clara drew a picture a very interesting picture and I asked her what it was
the picture represented and she said her insides how she felt inside so I would
like everyone to paint how they feel today. You can do it anyway you like,
colors, impressionist, you can choose an object a self-portrait anything you
like just draw how you feel. I want you to think about it carefully before you
put the brush to your canvas though. Take your time, I’ll turn on the radio and
I want you to just do your best.” Karri said.

We each grabbed a shirt and put it on over our uniforms as we went and grabbed
our tools. At first I didn’t know where to start but, then I thought about it
looking at the blank whiteness and I knew white wasn’t the right color. That
whatever I was feeling wasn’t white it was black. So, I took a sponge brush and
covered it in the black and started painting my canvas that color. It took me
nearly the whole hour to actually get the first layer of paint onto the canvas.
That’s when they told us to clean up and that if we weren’t done we could sign
up for free time on Saturday to come down and work on our artwork if we liked.
I sighed. It was something I actually wanted to finish seeing that face in my
head, the look that all of them gave me always in their eyes. I rinsed off my
brushes and threw off my old shirt covering my uniform.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend Saturday there. However, it all depended on how
many other people signed up to go and who was going to take us down there. I
didn’t want to be near Sam or Neal or Gavin and Levi I barely knew but, didn’t
trust at all. The only one I half way trusted to take me anywhere off the unit
was Tony because Tony had sworn to me he would never hurt me, never touch me
because he wouldn’t allow himself to be a monster.

Kari walked around the room looking at everyone’s work. She stopped at mine and
cocked her head to the side, “Is that all you’re going to paint?” She asked me.

“No, it’s my base,” I answered.

“Black instead of white? What secrets are you hiding Mr. McGregor I wonder,”
she said looking at me.

I shrugged my shoulders. I wanted to tell her but I didn’t all at once. It was
personal. It wasn’t meant for anyone to know what it was, it was just for me.

“Well dinner time I guess,” I said going over to the sink and washing my hands.

“Speaking of, someone is off restriction if you’re ready to go to dinner with
everyone else,” Kari said.

“Really?” I asked surprised.

“Damn it, now I have to eat alone,” Adam said folding his arms in front of him.

“Sorry man, can you blame me though?” I asked him.

“Not one bit, congrats,” he answered smiling, “I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Adam answered, “I am apparently meeting my new foster parents
tomorrow so that should be fun, right?”

“It doesn’t sound fun,” I answered.

“Hopefully it’s someone better than Chase,” Adam said,

“I hope so too,” I agreed with him.

“I’ll see you after dinner?” He asked me.

“Yeah, probably,” I answered, “Unless they let me go to gym.”

“They might not let you because you’re so skinny. That’s why I’m not allowed to
go,” Adam said.

“I eat,” I answered back.

“Barely, and good luck eating with Eric taunting you, Eric is going to be a
total jack hole to you, you realize?” Adam asked me.

I sighed heavily. He was probably right. Eric still hated me and I didn’t think
that was going to change anytime soon. Now I had to eat dinner with him hearing
whatever bullshit he had to spit at me.

I wasn’t looking forward to that. My stomach seemed to get really upset anytime
someone taunted me or made me feel anxious or scared. So how was I supposed to
eat if I had to share a table with Eric whose goal in life it was to make me
miserable or so it seemed.

“All right everyone who is going down to the café gets to come with me,” Gavin
said, “I need John to sit at my table along with Terra and Troy everyone else
is free to sit where they like. Just so those of you who don’t know are aware
if you don’t finish your all of your food before we have to leave you will be
back on restriction where you will join Burgess for all meals tomorrow.”

“Wait doesn’t Mr. Tony usually go down the café for dinner?” A girl with
cornrows asked frowning.

“Well Regan we switch off and tonight I have dinner duty for the gentlemen you
so openly flirt with; don’t think we don’t take notes so, behave yourself,”
Gavin warned, “Now line up everyone. You know the rules don’t look at the
adults, don’t talk to the adults, pretend they don’t exist stay at our two
tables and don’t go beyond those tables. Ask to clear your tray when you’re
finished and then sit and wait for everyone to be done. Please no swearing, now
let’s go,” he said as we started down the hallway to the cafeteria.

We lined up against the wall and as we went through the line we grabbed our
cups and forks and then were handed plates with steamed broccoli, salmon and
some type of rice. At the end of the line was a drink machine with a ton of
different choices which confused me because I always had to choose from sprite
or orange soda up on the unit and here you had those and then root beer, grape,
water, red pop and diet coke. I went for grape and then sat down at the table
where Gavin’s clip board was. I tried to seat myself as far away from it as
possible because I didn’t feel like playing grab my knee while I tried to choke
down my food that night which I was pretty sure would be his intentions if I
sat anywhere close to him. However, once he saw me sit down he grabbed his
clipboard up and moved it so it was in front of the seat directly to my left
making me want to move. Dom sat down next to me.

“Are you going to be able to deal with that?” He asked gesturing at the
clipboard.

I just shook my head shoving some rice into my mouth. I wanted to try and get
down as much food as possible before Gavin managed to sit down. As Terra and
Troy sat down at the table with us along with Eric who smiled evilly at me.

“Eric,” Dom said as a greeting.

“Commie,” Eric said shaking his head and smiling.

“What’s wrong with you?” Dom asked.

“Nothing I’m great. I have a question for you Dominic,” Eric said as I watched
Dom flitch at hearing his full name.

“Don’t call me that,” Dom said trying to ignore the deliberate attempt to make
him uncomfortable, “What’s your question?”

“How much do you think rank actually matters in here?” He asked his eyes moving
to me.

“Enough that you can’t do that,” Dom said shaking his head his eyes wide with
anger.

“What the hell are you guys talking about?” Terra asked looking at Eric
frowning obviously confused.

“It doesn’t matter,” Troy said, “He’s just trying to start something.”

“Well, I heard Gavin here talking about how rank didn’t necessarily apply here
so I was just thinking…want to know what real pain feels like?” He asked
looking at me.

“I’m already familiar thanks,” I hissed.

“You sure about that?” Eric asked smiling.

“You don’t knock it off you’re going to get yourself into trouble and I’m going
to tell fucking Josh so shut your fucking mouth,” Dom said loudly enough to
call attention from Josh who was sitting at the other table and sighed standing
up and coming over to Dom.

“What’s up?” Josh asked.

“Eric,” Dom answered, “Apparently.”

“Wait are you talking about? What?!” Terra gaped at them.

“Eric back the fuck off. Whatever it is your gunning for, knock it off,” Josh
warned just as Gavin came over.

“I’ve got it handled thank you Josh,” Gavin said, “Now go eat your food.”

Gavin sat down in front of his clip board looking at me closely, “You ok?” He
asked me.

“I’m fine,” I answered picking my fork back up and shoving a bite of salmon
into my mouth feeling like I was choking on a brick as I swallowed it and that
look flashed in Gavin’s eyes.

“Eric? How are you doing?” He asked looking at Eric.

“Well, you can answer some questions for me later that might be helpful,” Eric
said.

“What questions?” Gavin asked.

“Just simple ones,” Eric said raising an eyebrow, “Ok.”

“Ok,” Gavin answered his hand gripping my knee squeezing it making me drop my
fork as Dom stared at Gavin.

“Really? Chertov khrista,” Dom said shaking his head. (fucking Christ)

“English,” Gavin warned.

“You speak French?” Dom asked Gavin.

“A little,” Gavin answered.

“Ne touche pas s’il vous plait,” Dom said. (do not touch, please)

“Oui s’il vous plait,” I said. (yes, please)

“That’s not what you said in Russian,” Gavin answered.

“Nyet, it’s not no but you get the message oui?” Dom asked.

“Oh, I caught it yes, you really want to start something about it you won’t be
happy so keep it to yourself,” Gavin warned Dom.

“Trou du cul,” Dom said. (asshole)

“You Shhh…” Gavin said catching himself before he swore at Dom.

Eric started laughing, “Man I don’t know what you just said. But, whatever it
was Gavin didn’t like it.”

“I called him an asshole,” Dom answered looking at Eric. Eric and Terra’s
mouths both falling open in shock.

“Dominic now,” Gavin said standing up and pointing at the door to the
cafeteria.

“Well, it was nice chatting with you guys. I guess I have something that needs
to be dealt with,” Dom said smugly, “I’ll see you later, yes?”

“Yeah, thanks,” I said.

“No problem,” Dom answered standing up and following Gavin out of the room and
down the hallway.

“So, Johnny?” Eric said looking at me, “What do you think about what I said?”

“No thanks, talk to my handler,” I said thinking of what Leo had said how he
would get everyone off my back. How he would make them leave me alone. Not
really thinking about the language I was using not really caring.

“Really?” Eric said, “Well fuck that shit. Who is it? I’ll ask.”

“Figure it out on your own,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Handler? What the fuck?” Terra asked frowning between Eric and me.

“Just ignore it Terra,” Troy warned her, “It doesn’t matter.”

“Tell me who it is and I’ll ask I’m serious you think I’m joking?” Eric hissed.

“I think you’re full of bullshit,” I answered raising my hand so someone would
dismiss me to clear my tray.

“We’re not allowed to clear without Gavin’s say so and you’ve barely touched
your food,” Terra told me.

“I don’t care,” I said keeping my hand raised hoping someone would dismiss me.

“Am I scaring you Johnny?” Eric asked me.

“No,” I lied. I hated how I was so readable. What did I have freaked out
written on my fucking forehead? I shook my hand frantically in the air trying
to get someone’s attention.

“What don’t want to be embarrassed in front of the ladies?” Eric asked me.

“HEY JACKASS I HAVE A DICK!” Troy shouted causing everyone in the room to turn
and look at him.

Karri marched over, “Troy what was that about? You don’t use that language ever
you understand me? Once Gavin gets back here you’re going to isolation. You yes
you can clear but you didn’t eat all of your food so you’re back on
restriction, you whatever you said I hope you don’t say it again and Terra why
do you look so utterly confused?”

“Because I have no idea what they are talking about and I hate the fact that
I’m trapped here with 3 boys who all seem like they are beyond crazy when all I
have is an eating disorder,” Terra answered, “Can I go sit at the other table
away from these weirdo’s?”

“Yes, you can go sit with everyone else. I’ll stay here with Troy and Eric and
John,” Kari answered sitting down as I got up to clear my tray and then came
back.

Eric was smirking at me and I wanted to smack him so hard. This was not funny
even a little bit. What exactly was he going to tell them? It’s not like I had
said a lot to Eric but he knew enough to get me into trouble if he really
wanted to. He knew enough that if he told anyone their death could be blamed on
me.

Terra went to go sit at the other table with everyone else while I came back
and sat down back in my seat across from Eric. I didn’t want to talk about any
of it I wanted something else in life to talk about. Anything else and I was
tired and still sore and beyond pissed and scared.

“Who is it?” Eric asked me again.

“Really?” I asked him.

“Who is who?” Karri asked.

“Dr. Swartzman ok?” I answered.

Eric let out a bellowing laugh so loud it hurt my ears. He thought it was
funny? He thought it was funny I was stuck here where he literally controlled
my life, Leo. Where I had to ask him for everything which I was trying to avoid
and the reason I ended up here in the first place. It was ironic funny but not
funny funny in my personal opinion.

“That’s good,” Eric said shaking his head a huge smile still on his face, “I’ll
ask him.”

“You wouldn’t,” I said feeling my eyebrow cock up.

“I will what do you think he’d say Dark chocolate on white?” He asked me that
look flashing in his eyes.

“What are you talking about Eric?” Karri asked flashing a look between the two
of us. I sighed putting my face in my hands. While Eric was trying to be
shuttle that was nowhere near shuttle enough.

“Doesn’t matter,” Eric said.

“Were you talking about…” Karri’s eyes widened, “Wait I thought …” she sighed
and just then Gavin walked into the room and she sighed with relief getting up
and walking over to Gavin. She pointed at our table and said a bunch of stuff
and Gavin touched her shoulder gently and then walked over to us and sat down.

“Eric, you need to watch what you say Dark Chocolate on white? Obviously, a
reference to skin colors you really want to get your name put in a certain
glass object?” Gavin asked shaking his head.

“I could have said it in a way that would have been even more obvious,” Eric
said.

“Is that what your question was because that would be a no, he’s wearing a
metaphorical chastity belt right now,” Gavin said.

“The good Dr. cock blocked you then I’m guessing?” Eric said.

“Everyone,” Gavin answered, “Why do you think it took me so long to get back
here I was talking to him. Troy you’re in back when we get up to the unit John
you’re on restriction no gym for you and tomorrow you eat dinner on the unit,”
Gavin said, “Now let’s go so everyone can get ready who is allowed to go to
gym.”

We all stood up and I lingered back a little putting some space between Eric
and I in line and Josh walked up to me and sighed looking at me, “Was Eric
really threatening you?” He asked me.

“Yeah, it’s no big deal,” I answered.

“Yeah it kind of is I can see it in your face,” Josh said, “He’s all talk I
promise you. No way in hell they would ever let him do that.”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Because you’re a five and he’s a one,” Josh said, “Those choices aren’t up to
us anyway.”

“Well, I’m back on the unit for meals tomorrow anyway so it doesn’t matter,” I
answered.

“Did Dom really call Gavin an asshole?” Josh asked smiling.

“Yeah, he also told him to keep his hands to himself,” I answered.

“Dom has huge balls,” Josh said, “He must really care about you.”

“He’s a good friend,” I answered.

“Just friends?” Josh asked me, “I mean you room together he tries to be close
to you any chance he gets. So, do you think that maybe there’s more going on
there?”

“From my side? No nothing. I already…” I shrugged my shoulders, “Him you mean?
Do I think he might have a crush? Maybe, I don’t know. I haven’t asked and I’m
not going to.”

“All right,” Josh said, “All right. I’ll do what I can to help you out here but
there’s something going on and it’s bad. I’ve never seen any of them, all of
them target one person what did you do?”

“Nothing, I didn’t do anything,” I answered.

“You sure?” Josh asked me as we started walking down the hallway, “You need to
think carefully because there is only so much I can do here for you. You
understand that, right?”

“Yeah apparently, I’m locked though,” I answered, “My contract holder he huh,
he locked them out told them I’m hands off.”

“That’s not…” Josh trailed off.

“What?” I asked confused.

“You’re getting out?” He asked.

“Monday,” I answered.

“They broke you?” He asked me, “They used you so much that you can’t…”

I just nodded my head, “It’s better this way, right? I mean at least I’ll get
to be home. At least I know now that there’s no escape unless I do things right
otherwise it just gets worse.”

The door the unit was unlocked and opened and we walked inside. I sighed and
went to the day room to sit with Adam. I wasn’t going to gym so I decided I was
just going to sit there and watch TV and Adam looked at me.

“You can make a phone call now you know?” He asked me.

“Can I?” I asked.

“Yes,” Adam said smiling at the look on my face, “Go call him.”

I didn’t waste any time getting up and going to the phone dialing out and
dialing his number, “Hello, is Patrick there?” I asked.

“John?” Cole said sounding surprised, “Yeah hold on. How are you doing are you
ok? I mean it’s hell in there, is everything going ok?”

“Yeah, I’m all right for now. I guess,” I answered, “I’m getting out Monday.
Can I talk to him please Cole? Not to be mean I just really feel like I need to
hear his voice.”

“Yeah just…you’re not going to flip out again are you because last time you had
him in tears and I just…he’s like my brother man I can’t let you upset him like
that you get it, right?” Cole asked me.

“I’ll stay calm. I’m actually feeling pretty numb. I’ve got a lot I have to
tell him, could you please?” I asked again.

“Yeah, hold on,” Cole said and then set down the phone after I few minutes I
heard the phone move.

“Hello,” Pat answered.

“Hi,” I said sighing with relief, “I didn’t mean to scare you last time.”

“I know Rabbit. I was just worried that’s all,” Pat said, “How are you doing?”

“I’m getting out Monday,” I answered.

“Already?” He asked.

“Yeah, I did something I think I’m going to regret later,” I replied.

“What?” He asked me barely above a whisper.

“I told him it was ok, that I was… that I’m …agreeable,” I answered him.

“Rabbit no! He’ll hold you to that don’t you get it? That is going to do kill
you from the inside out don’t do that to yourself please,” Pat said.

“I can’t stay in here. I can’t keep dealing with them. I think I can handle
just him. Being with just him is a million times better than being with all of
them,” I pleaded my case.

“John, you have to promise me no matter what you won’t let him fool you ok?
Don’t let yourself think he loves you because he doesn’t,” Pat said.

“I promise and I could never love him anyway not after…,” I trailed off
thinking about that day. That day I saw Dr. Larkin in her office how Leo had
driven me around for hours stopping in that park and raping me repeatedly until
I couldn’t stand to be in my skin. Until I had come home and gotten drunk and
cut up my arms.

“I know. I know that’s how you feel but they are messing with your head now.
It’s all about getting into your head,” Pat told me.

“I could never love him Pat,” I said swallowing back my tears as I tried to
stay calm like I promised Cole, “I love you.”

“I love you too. I’m just worried they’re going to turn you into something that
you’ll hate. I couldn’t stand it if you hated yourself because I love you that
much. You understand, don’t you?” He asked me.

“Yeah, it sucks having to choose this but, it’s the only way I can think. The
only way that I’m going to get out of this with some bit of me still here. Can
you forgive me?” I asked.

“There’s nothing to forgive Rabbit. I understand, I do. Just don’t lose
yourself to this please,” he said.

“I won’t. I promise, not ever. How do you deal with it?” I asked.

“Well, you mean with Gus I’m guessing? I think of how at the end of my contract
things will go back to how they were. That things will be better again,” Pat
answered, “That after it’s over hopefully I won’t ever have to do it again.
That at least I don’t have to go to parties if he doesn’t want me to. That
makes it easier,” Pat answered, “I have to go. I miss you and I love you.” he
said quietly before he hung up the phone.

I stood there and listened to the dial tone for a couple of moments before I
sighed and hung it back on the cradle. So, he was afraid of me hating myself,
something that I already did. I had tried to kill myself after all because I
couldn’t stand being in my own skin anymore or at least that’s what I had
thought at the time before they brought me here, before they allowed anyone who
wanted me that worked here to have time alone with me. Allowed them to be
inside me and on me doing things to me that would normally make me scream and
fight but being in a place where screaming and fighting weren’t allowed.

I went back to the day room and sat down looking at Adam who sighed shaking his
head, “What?” I asked.

“Oh, I heard from D what Eric supposedly said. Are you ok?” Adam asked me.

“Yeah, he can’t do anything to me,” I answered.

“Just because he doesn’t have permission doesn’t mean he won’t try. Being in
this it teaches you things. Brutal things. Like the best way to punish someone
is to invade them in the worst way possible. The only way that’s going to leave
a piece of you with them forever,” Adam said.

I nodded my head. I knew what he meant. How being raped was so invasive it was
something you never forgot. You may forget details after a while but you never
forgot the person. The person who did it or how it felt, how it ripped a hole
into your very soul that you could never close over or fill in no matter what
you did.

Like how that first time my Da had passed me out to someone that wasn’t my
Uncle I still didn’t know most of their names but I remembered their faces even
with those weird leather masks on. The terror I felt as they shackled me down
to that horrible bed their hands on my skin. The way the one had made me sit in
his lap as he penetrated me bouncing me up and down almost like a kid riding
horsey on a parent’s knee. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes together
willing the memory away before it choked me.

“So, you think he’s going to try?” I asked Adam nervous about the idea. I was
tired of being dominated by people I didn’t want touching me and Eric had the
size and muscle and age to do something like that if he wanted to.

“He might. I don’t know since being here, since you’ve gotten here he’s become
pretty erratic. I think he’s in love with Sam and he thinks you took him away,”
Adam answered.

“Why does he even like Sam?” I asked feeling confused about the whole thing.

I didn’t see anything likable about Sam. Not one thing. How he had forced his
fingers up inside me with barely any lube encouraging me to relax to just let
it happen, to cum for him even though it hurt.

“I guess he feels like Sam is the only one who is nice to him,” Adam answered
me shrugging his shoulders, “Most people aren’t very nice to us, being ones.
They get rough, really rough sometimes.”

“Sometimes that’s better you know?” I asked him.

“I’m not really completely sure what you mean but, I think I understand,” Adam
said.

“It’s huh, it’s complicated,” I answered him.

“Is there any way you can explain it to me that I’ll understand?” Adam asked.

I stopped and thought about it, “I’m not sure if this is right but it’s like
the difference between drowning and choking. Both can be slow and painful but
one, if you relax doesn’t hurt as much even though it will still kill you where
as the other there’s no way to…accept it. Your whole body is going to struggle
no matter what you do. For me pain is like drowning almost, I can relax into
it. It almost comforts me, makes me feel like it’s not a choice but the other.
The other is like choking almost. I always struggle, it makes me doubt every
cell in my body, every thought in my head,” I answered.

Adam was silent for a minute as he reflexed on what I had said, “I can see how
choking in that case would be more painful.”

“I’m choking a lot,” I said trying to think about what the metaphor stood for.

“I see,” Adam replied, “I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced that. Not
that way anyway. It must be hard. It has to really mess with your head.”
 

“It does,” I answered, “There are things that because of them, because of the
way they are I can’t do with…,” I felt my face start to flush to thinking about
it, “Anyway I guess sometimes I’d think it would be better if it always hurt
physically.”

“I don’t think it would better really just different,” Adam answered,
“Sometimes you just want to not be sore. You want them to not choke or hit,
just once and they never do. They don’t ever stop. There’s always pain.”

“Not for me,” I answered, “I’ve been whipped before and at the time you want it
to stop yeah for sure but, at least after a while the pain makes you pass out.
There was this one time, Pat he tried to protect me so they tied me up and hung
me from a hook in the ceiling. They whipped me and did stuff to me with a rope
around my throat and told him if he looked away they would take my hands off
the hook and choke me to death, hang me. I passed out after a while. When I was
conscious again my shoulder was dislocated but at least I passed out. At least
after a while I don’t remember. Pat does but not me. However there have been
times where I have begged God or whatever to let me pass out and I haven’t
because of…”

“I understand what you’re saying,” Adam answered, “I’ve never experienced
that.”

“You’re lucky then. Not super lucky but pretty lucky,” I said.

Adam smiled grimly, “And Eric thinks he has it bad? That he’s tortured. That to
me what you just described that feeling, that’s torture.”

I swallowed my gut turning sour. My life was that bad that a one was telling me
my life sucked. That what they did to me was worse than how ones were treated.
Yet Eric hated me. He hated me for being a five. If anyone had any questions
about why I tried to kill myself that would have cleared it up right there.

“Are you ok?” Adam asked me and I grimaced and shook my head.

“I didn’t mean it like that John, I’m sorry,” Adam said softly.

“No, you did and I’m going back to it. Because I have no choice,” I answered.

“You don’t have a choice no, not with that but you have a choice in whether or
not it will destroy you. You have siblings, right? Siblings that need you no
matter how you feel no matter what the brotherhood does to you, they need you.
Look at it this way, your father isn’t a dad to any of you. Who has been with
them since they were born? You have. Who has taken care of them? Fed them,
clothed them? Bathed them? Kissed their booboos? You have. They’re your kids.
They don’t belong to him they belong to you. You’re the closest thing to a Dad
they will ever have and if you give up, what’s left? What hope do they have
that they will ever be normal?” Adam asked me.

“What about me?” I asked.

“Dude, you’re a parent. Literally a parent it’s not about you, it’s about them.
You keep going. You show them this doesn’t have to define them or you. That one
day you’ll be out. You’re a five for god sakes John. You get money when this is
over, you get connections that will put you at the top of the food chain and
not just any food chain. Thee food chain. Like we’re talking the top here,
government serious stuff. You could run for president one day if you make it
out of this,” Adam said.

“You mean the leader of the free world is fucking little boys?” I asked shocked
not believing a word of it.

“No just ties to it.” Adam answered, “There are rich rich people pulling the
strings behind him that do though, little girls too. If they are going to pimp
you out, why not use it to your advantage?”

“I don’t want their blood money because that’s exactly what it is. It’s blood
money. It’s the blood of Justin, it’s the blood of my little brothers, it’s my
blood and yours and I don’t want anything to do with it.

I won’t get my hands dirty, not even to make it better. If I survive this, I’m
walking away and I am never coming back. It’s the blood of Eli. That little boy
you love so much you were willing to kill him to keep them away from him. I
don’t want anything to do with them ever. If I take something from them I owe
them a favor and I don’t want to owe them anything. Not ever and I already do.
Leo is getting me out of this place so I owe him. He’s not allowing Gavin and
Neal and Sam to lay a hand on me so I owe him and I hate the fact that I’m
going to owe him something because I know what he’s going to want,” I said.

“I can’t save Eli now. I failed in that and I have to find a way to make up for
that,” Adam said, “Eli is so little they will either completely brain wash him
or they will kill him. Your siblings are lucky they have you. That they are
fives just like you otherwise they would be where Eli is. How old are your
siblings?”

“They range from 11 years to 10 months,” I answered, “Three sisters and seven
brothers and I know. I have a little brother Malachy, Hank has already given
him that look. You know the look.” I said, “It terrifies me. He’s only two and
at the time he was only one.”

“That is scary,” Adam sighed, “So Hank has a very low age range?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “That’s something Will has talked about but I don’t
really listen because I don’t really care to understand them. Any of them.”

“You should the best way to protect your kids against them is to understand the
ones that are around you the most.” Adam said, “I can tell you all about Chase.
His age range, what he likes physically, the type of personality he’s attracted
to. Other things I don’t care to think about or bring up in a discussion. But
you should know these things about them. About all of the Handlers in your life
ok? Trust me, I know it seems sick to know it but that way you can keep certain
kids away from certain ones. The ones that pose the most risk to that kid.”

“I know Hank likes red hair, he’s said he likes young. I haven’t heard him say
how young. Mr. Lord likes them young. James is seven and at Christmas last
year…” I sighed not wanting to talk about it, thinking of his pain how badly he
hurt, how much he had cried. Thinking of how Lord was, how he was gentle and
slow like a lot of them in my life seemed to be. I didn’t want to think about
it.

“Wait Lord as in Lord, as in the Leader?” He asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Your Uncle hangs out with him?” He asked me.

“I think it’s more my Da. He works for him. I don’t know what he does for him
exactly but he…I don’t know he works for him.”

“Shit Chase is just an agent, casting agent for different things,” Adam said,
“Otherwise I don’t know what he does. He hosts parties sometimes.”

“My Da too, private ones like at Christmas it’s usually an excuse to…” I
swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Huh, so I saw Dom get pulled into isolation from Dinner. What exactly did he
do?” Adam asked me changing the subject.

“He called Gavin an asshole twice,” I answered.

“Wow,” Adam said an impressed look on his face, “I hope he’s ok.”

“I don’t know. I was surprised. Him sticking up for me like that I mean,” I
answered.

“Well he is your friend, he seems to defend you from Eric,” Adam said.

“Well, we understand each other. Our lives are similar we go to the same school
hang out with the same people. Have the same problems…” I answered, “But
usually even when you’re above a one people don’t stick their necks out for
other people. Not in what we’re in.”

“You can call it the brotherhood you know? It’s just you and me no one else is
here,” Adam said.

“I don’t like calling them that,” I said, “It’s not a brotherhood of anything.
It’s a group of sick people raping people together.”

“Well, yeah,” Adam said, “But it’s not like there is anything else we can
really call them.”

“Why? Because apparently, pedophiles isn’t a wise choice?” I asked raising my
eyebrows.

“You called them pedophiles to who?” Adam asked a very shocked look on his
face.

“Not all of them just my uncle to my Da and he flipped out,” I answered, “That
is what he is though I mean I’ve never seen him with an adult ever in like any
capacity besides my Da and his friends but he’s never looked at an adult
like…well you know.”
“Was your dad super upset?” Adam asked.

“Yeah, he told me not to use that word and that Uncle ben is gay and not…well,”
I said shaking my head almost laughing.

“Well, shit,” Adam said, “ok anyway back to Dom he called Gavin an asshole
twice?”

“Yeah,” I answered.

“What did Gavin do besides the obvious?” Adam asked.

“He was doing the obvious kind of made me jump out of my skin honestly. Dom
said something in Russian and you know how they feel about him speaking Russian
so he said something in French instead so Terra couldn’t understand it,
basically told him paws off.” I answered.

“Wait he was…at dinner?” Adam asked his eyes wide.

“Just my knee,” I answered, “But it’s kind of hard to eat when someone is that
close to…”

“I got you,” Adam said nodding his head.

“Josh says he thinks Dom might have a crush on me,” I said.

Adam thought about it for a moment, “Possibly. Is that an issue for you?”

“As long as he doesn’t try anything no,” I answered, “He’s a good friend so I
feel like I can deal with it just fine just, I don’t feel that way about him.”

“Well there is nothing wrong with that,” Adam said, “Just if he hints at it
make it clear it’s a no go.”

“I will. I’m pretty sure I have,” I answered.

“Then you shouldn’t have a problem if he really cares about you,” Adam said.

“I hope not, I mean it’s not exactly. I don’t have a good track record with
people caring what I think,” I responded.

“He won’t try anything. I’m sure he won’t,” Adam answered.

“God, I hope not,” I said.

“Trust me you’re good,” Adam said trying to reassure me, “How are you planning
to get through the weekend?”

“Apparently, I’m off limits now,” I answered.

“Well that’s good at least and then you’re out of here, right?” Adam asked.

“Yep,” I answered.

“Do you think you’ll end up here again?” Adam asked me.

“No, I don’t think so,” I answered, “If I try again I won’t fail.”

“Do you even know how close you really got?” Adam asked me curious.

“No, they haven’t really told me anything about it. I was unconscious for a
while though like a day or two.” I answered.

“What did you do if you don’t mind me asking?” He asked.

I sighed rolling up my right sleeve showing him the stitches that were still
healing. The deep gash that had once been open that they were now holding
closed in order for it to heal. He looked at it closely his eyes wide in shock
and fascination his hand hovering near my wrist as if he wanted to reach out
and run his hand over the wound before he put it back down staring at it
closely still.

“You tried to slit your wrists?” He asked me.

“Well, did I try or did I do it?” I asked causing Adam to laugh lightly.

“True that’s a fair assessment to come to,” Adam said nodding his head, “Did it
hurt?”

“It stung a lot. I don’t really remember it to be honest,” I answered, “I…” I
shook my head not wanting to talk about those feelings. How he had forced
himself on me two or three times in the span of a couple of hours. How he had
gotten so mad at me he had hit me which was something he had rarely ever done
before.

“I found emails,” Adam said suddenly, “Talking about what they were going to do
to him. How they were going to…I knew if I ran away with him we would never
make it. He’s only little it’d be too hard for him. So, I decided to…do the
only thing I could think of. Because no kid deserves to be like us. I wouldn’t
wish my life on my worst enemy.”

“It was an act of desperation,” I said.

“Yeah, I suppose. Yours was the same, right?” He asked me.

“I just wanted it to stop. To never happen again. I wasn’t thinking about my
siblings or Patrick or anyone else just how badly I wanted it to not happen
anymore,” I answered.

We sat there in silence for a while. Neither one of us talking. It hurt
revisiting those feelings, that act. I hadn’t meant to hurt anyone only end my
own pain and here I was stuck in this place in more pain then I could really
have imagined and my brother, my brother was filling in my position at home
that had been left open by my absence.

After a couple minutes Adam cleared his throat and grabbed the remote for the
TV off of a side table and turned it on. I don’t even remember what was on the
TV some lame movie but my mind was racing. Thinking about how I had agreed to
go back to that. Back to him. How I had agreed to being with Leo. How Leo was
going to be the same way as that night was and I knew that. How that night was
going to happen over and over and over until all I felt was dead inside like
that all the time. Until I craved something to make me not feel numb at all but
feel alive. I sighed I didn’t want to sit there anymore.

“Are you ok?” Adam asked looking at me.

“It just…hit me that I’m…I belong to him,” I mumbled.

“Belong to who John?” Adam asked me quietly.

“L—L-Leo,” I stumbled over the name.

“Who is Leo?” Adam asked.

“The reason I’m here,” I answered, “And I agreed to it. To get out of here.
I…fuck…” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat.

“You look like you’re going to be sick should I go get someone?” Adam asked me.

“No,” I shook my head forcefully, “I’ll be ok I just, thinking too much I
guess.”

“Are you sure?” Adam asked me again.

“Yeah, I just need something else to think about,” I answered.

“Well social issues group is going to start soon,” Adam said, “I have no idea
what we’re talking about because I got pulled for about 20 minutes or so last
night near the end and if I remember you walked out yourself. So, it should be
fun.”

“Hopefully we’re not finishing yesterday’s conversation. Apparently, a lot of
people walked out after you and what’s her face got pulled into isolation,” I
answered.

“She asked me if I’d ever had a dick shoved down my throat. So yeah, I was more
than a little upset,” Adam said.

“Yeah that’s huh, nope,” I answered.

“That’s exactly how I felt about it.” Adam said, “So my natural reaction was to
ask her if she ever had and then she told me that was a personal question. So,
I scoffed at her and told her yeah it was so she shouldn’t be asking me that
question and then she replied that I’m obviously gay so she thought I probably
had so she thought she would ask. And yet I’m not supposed to ask her. So, I
said she probably wouldn’t answer because she was a slut and then she started
getting defensive and said she had been raped and that didn’t make her a slut.
I pointed out every male in the whole entire unit answered yes to the question
have you ever been sexually assaulted so I asked her why she thought it was a
good idea to ask that question to me and she said again because I’m obviously
gay. I said just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’ve stuck a dick in my mouth and
it was this whole big thing and we both ended up in the back where, it’s not
enjoyable and anyway I’m rambling sorry.”

“And after that supposedly everyone walked out. At least that’s what I heard
from Dom,” I replied, “So you think they are going to continue on that topic?”

“I certainly hope not,” Adam said as the Unit door opened and everyone came
back from gym.

“Ok everyone get your drinks and use the bathroom we’re meeting in the boy’s
day room today,” Hannah said popping her head into the room and looking at us,
“Boys turn off the TV please.”

“Yep. I got it,” Adam said turning off the TV as I saw Dillon wave at him from
in the foyer.

“I think you’re wanted,” I said and Adam just smiled at me and shrugged his
shoulders.

“Maybe,” he responded looking at Dillon.

“Yeah, I know that look. Go get him,” I said laughing as Adam stood up and went
out into the hallway.

I sat there and waited for everyone to slowly come into the room because I
didn’t feel like I had to pee or anything so I just kind of stayed where I was.
Eric popped his head in. That look on his face making me tense as he sat in the
chair next to me and I got up and moved over.

“What’s wrong five afraid I’m going to hurt you?” He taunted.

“Can you just not?” I asked him looking at him wearily.

“Not what?” He asked, “Picture that pretty mouth of yours wrapped around my big
black dick? Sorry kid.”

I swallowed looking out the window hoping someone else would come into the
room. I didn’t want to be taunted by him but I didn’t want to be scared of him
either. I wanted to know why he hated me so much. Why he thought it was ok to
say those things to me, be nasty like that.

“Why do you hate me?” I asked him finally looking at him.

“You stole him from me. You’re an asshole just because you’re a five with a
tight little ass you think you can walk in and take the only person who has
ever treated me good from me? You know how bullshit that is?” He asked me.

“You know how bullshit it is that you think I want him to…do that type of stuff
to me? I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want anyone to touch me and I
don’t want you to insinuate that you’re going to do those things to me,” I
said.

“You ever been with a black guy?” He asked me, “You might like it. Just
saying.”

I closed my eyes trying to not remember him. The guy whose name I still didn’t
know in the back room at Tony’s. I felt like someone had just punched me in the
stomach. I didn’t want to be anywhere near Eric now. I couldn’t tell if he was
joking or serious about wanting to do those things to me. I felt like I was
going to cry as I pulled my knees up under my hoody and hugged them to my
chest.

“You really are tiny you know that? You’d probably feel like a girl, are you
nice and tight? Because I’ve met some girls who were super tight like so tight
it hurts. Is your boy pussy like that?” Eric taunted.

Just then Josh came into the room, “Eric leave that kid alone,” Josh warned
sitting in the seat that was now empty in-between us.

“Dude I’m just messing with him,” Eric said.

“The kid is fucking beyond terrified I can tell just by looking at him. Leave
him alone,” Josh said, “How would you like it if I tossed shit in your bitch
ass face? You don’t know what he’s been through. Keep your mouth shut.”

“Whatever man,” Eric sighed getting up and walking out of the room.

“You know he’s just picking on you because he knows it bothers you?” Josh asked
me.

“Are you sure he doesn’t mean it?” I asked.

“Pretty sure. He’s not that cruel, he’s just an asshole,” Josh said.

“You’re sure?” I asked again.

“Hey if he tries anything you tell me and I’ll beat his face in for you ok?”
Josh said, “I don’t care if you’re a one or a five it’s not cool to do that to
someone all right?”

“Ok,” I answered nodding my head as everyone else started to filter into the
room.
***** 19 *****
Chapter Summary
     The orderlies decide to try the same topic for social issues group
     again with more success. John makes a phone call home to check on his
     siblings and learns some heart breaking news that makes him feel
     beyond guilty.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 340 to 349. A bit of a short chapter mostly group and plot
     stuff, Warnings : Rape/Non-con, Talk of sexual abuse, talk of Eating
     disorder, talk of mental health, bullying, swearing. Lots of dialogue
     but felt that it didn't fix with what happens next so decided to make
     it into it's own small chapter for a short and sweet double post
     (other post is a Chapter of Will's POV).
Once everyone was in the room Hannah started passing out a worksheet we were
supposed to read from and I heard moans as it was passed around and Hannah
sighed, “I’m sorry about yesterday that my fault and Sandy’s fault it wasn’t
very well thought out. So today we’re going to try and go over it again only
we’re sticking to facts. No one is to discuss anything until after we’re done
reading the worksheet and be respectful of one another. This means don’t ask
someone a question you yourself wouldn’t answer, please.”

I’ll start and we’ll read around the room ok? “Rape sexual assault and child
abuse, ok next person,” Hannah said.

Ashley sighed and then started reading “1 out of every 6 American women as been
the victim of an attempted or completed rape or sexual assault in her
lifetime.”

Ron looked up at Hannah, “Do I have to read this?”

“Yes, Ron please,” Hannah answered.

“About 3% of American men or 1 out of 33 as experienced an attempted or
completed rape or sexual assault in their lifetime,” Ron read out loud.

“Child Protective Services agencies substantiated, or found strong evidence to
indicate that, 63,000 children a year are victims of sexual abuse.,” Tyler
read.

“A majority of child victims are 12-17. Of victims under the age of 18: 34% of
victims of sexual assault and rape are under age 12, and 66% of victims of
sexual assault and rape are age 12-17,” Troy read.

“9 out of every 10 rape victims is female,” Eric read.

Josh sighed and started reading, “The majority of sexual assaults occur at or
near the victim’s home with 55% at the victim’s home or close to it, 15% in a
public open space, 12% at or near a relative’s home, 10% in an enclosed public
area such as a parking garage and 8% on school property.”

I felt like my hands were shaking but I did my best to appear calm reading the
first line in my head before I read it aloud, “48% of victims were sleeping or
preforming another activity at home when the assault occurred, 29% were
traveling to or from work, school or other places, 12% were working ,7 %...” I
swallowed my voice getting caught for a minute, “7% were attending school and
5% were engaging in other activities at the time their assault occurred.”

“You all right John?” Hannah asked me.

“Yeah, I’m ok,” I answered.

“You sure you don’t want to step out and get a drink of water or anything?”
Hannah asked me gently.

“Yeah could I? If that’s ok,” I asked.

“Yes, go ahead,” Hannah said, “Dom continue please.”

I shut the door quietly behind me as I got up and walked out into the foyer
dipping down and turning on the drinking fountain. I felt tired. Just like I
was too worn out to sit in the room with everyone as they read that paper. I
sighed after a minute and went back in to find Regan reading.

“There are many types of sexual assault the type of sexual assault that effects
the most vulnerable of our population is often called Child sexual abuse, there
is when a perpetrator intentionally harms a minor physically, psychologically
and sexually. Sometimes it can be concurrent abuse meaning more than one type
of abuse is occurring at once and can also include child neglect. These are all
crimes,” Regan read.

Terra cleared her throat and begin to read, “Child sexual abuse is a form of
child abuse that includes any sexual activity with a minor. A child cannot
legally consent to any form of sexual activity period.”

Adam looked at Hannah and put his paper down, “I thought we were supposed to be
talking about rape. Like date rape type of stuff yesterday not child sexual
abuse?”

Hannah sighed, “Ok I know yesterday sucked I’m sorry everyone that is my fault.
I didn’t plan it out well it was a bad idea but that survey Sandy passed out
altered me that maybe this is something we should cover but in a delicate way
considering the results that survey got us. We’re going to discuss something
after we’re done reading the handout if you could please continue Burgess that
would be great if you don’t want to you can pass I suppose and I’ll read your
section but I want everyone to give some sort of participation ok?”

“So, I can pass?” Adam asked her.

“Yes, I’ll read it,” Hannah said clearing her throat, “This type of crime can
have long lasting effects on the victim for years. Child sexual abuse does not
need to include physical contact between the perpetrator and a child.”

“Some forms of child sexual abuse include, Exhibitionism, or exposing oneself
to a minor, fondling, intercourse, masturbation in the presence of a minor or
forcing a minor to masturbate, obscene phone calls, text or digital
interaction, producing, owning or sharing…what the…? Is that a real thing?
Pornographic images or movies of children, sex of any kind including vaginal,
oral or anal, sex trafficking…I’m not even sure what that is, or any other
sexual conduct that is harmful to a child’s mental, emotional or physical
welfare,” Debbie read sliding some of her own comments and questions into her
section.

“Ok, apparently, Debbie has some questions that I think it might be good to
address right now, how many people know what porn is?”

“I’m pretty sure we all know what porn is besides maybe Ron and Troy,”
Kassandra answered.

“I know what porn is,” Troy said.

“Ok well people sometimes make those types of videos with children or teens in
them. Somethings those kids are around your age they share them online or buy
them over the internet and trade them with like-minded people and sadly yes,
it’s a real thing. Kids who are in those videos aren’t just victimized at the
time of the assault but over and over every time someone watches that video.
Sex trafficking is when someone sells their child for drugs or money so people
can use them in …sometimes making pornography or to sleep with in a sexual way
and that’s a real thing as well that happens. Very distressing for those of you
who didn’t realize this type of stuff happens I’m sure but, there are
organizations all around the world who help kids in that situation. Our own FBI
has a task force they are setting up to help stop people from making children
do these things and catch the people doing it so they can put them in prison
for a very long time. Next person.”

Clara took a big breath, “What do perpetrators of child sexual abuse look like?
The majority of perpetrators are someone the child or family of the child knows
as many as 93% of victims under the age of 18 know their abuser. A perpetrator
does not have to be an adult and can have any relationship to the child
including being an older sibling or playmate, family member, teacher, coach or
instructor a caretaker or the parent of a friend or another child. Child sexual
abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s
vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive
person.”

The girl with blue strips in her hair jumped right in not missing a beat,
“Abusers can manipulate victims to stay quiet about the sexual abuse using a
number of different tactics, often an abuser will use their position of power
over the victim or coerce or intimidate the child, they might tell that child
the activity is normal or that they enjoyed it. An abuser may make threats if
the child refuses to participate or plans to tell another adult, Child sexual
abuse is not only a physical violation it is a violation of trust and/or
authority.”

“Ok, just for a second I’m not going to ask anyone but if you happen to be
someone who answered yes on the survey I want you to think about how many of
those things you have heard whether you’ve ever heard your abuser say something
like “you know you want it or I’m going to kill your mom if you tell anyone. Or
maybe something like “There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing it’s normal”
If you’ve heard any of those things you should know they are lying to you. They
are trying to keep you silent. Sometimes they go further than that actually
hitting you, beating you or doing other things that might not leave physical
signs but can hurt just as bad and confuse you just as much. Ok continue
Kendra.

“Child sexual abuse isn’t always easy to spot. The perpetrator could be someone
you’ve known for a long time or trust which may make it even harder to notice
consider the following warning signs. Bleeding bruises or swelling in the
genital area, bloody, torn or stained under clothes, Difficulty walking or
sitting,” Kendra said frowning and looking at me, “Frequent urinary or yeast
infections, pain, itching or burning in the genital area.”

“What was that Kendra?” Hannah asked.

“He had a limp the other day.”

“I stubbed my toe,” I lied not wanting to talk about any of it.

“I don’t know. It was a big limp like, not a toe stubbed limp but something
else,” Kendra said.

Hannah sighed, “Ok Kendra if you had hurt yourself by falling over would you
want someone to confront you in front of a group of people?”

“I guess not. I mean I know I’m clumsy,” Kendra answered.

“And if your limp was caused by something else do you think you’d want to talk
about it?” Hannah asked.

Kendra was quiet for a minute, “Sorry John I didn’t mean to be in your
business. You’re right Miss Hannah I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” Hannah said, “Dillon your next.”

“Behavioral signs of sexual abuse, changes in hygiene such as refusing to bathe
or bathing excessively, develops phobias, exhibits signs of depression or PTSD,
expresses suicidal thoughts especially adolescents, has trouble in school such
as absences, skipping classes or a drop in grades, inappropriate sexual
knowledge or behaviors, nightmares or bet wetting, Overly protective and
concerned for siblings, or assumes a caretaker role, returns to regressive
behaviors such as thumb sucking, Runs away from home or school, self-harming
behaviors and shrinks away or seems threatened by physical contact.”

“Ok I think we’re back at the beginning Ash,” Hannah said.

“While talking to your child about sexual abuse might be difficult it is
important to talk to them about it so they understand and can better protect
themselves and notify you the parents if sexual abuse is taking place the key
to protecting your kids is informing them and starting the conversation young
and having it often,” Ash read.

“Teach young children the language they need to talk about their bodies and
information about boundaries to help them understand what is allowed and what
is considered inappropriate. These lessons help them know when something isn’t
right and give them power to speak up,” Ron said.

“Teach children the names of their body parts, teach them that some body parts
are private and people shouldn’t touch or look at them and if a health care
professional has to examine these parts of the body be present, teach your
child it’s ok to say no to touches that make them feel uncomfortable. This
means supporting their decision to say no to contact from a family member at a
family gathering they may not be comfortable hugging,” Tyler read.

“Talk about secrets, perpetrators will often use secret-keeping to manipulate
children let children know they can always talk to you especially if they’ve
been told to keep a secret, if they see someone touching another child they
shouldn’t keep that a secret either and reassure them they won’t get in
trouble.” Troy said.

“All of these things are things that are important for your child to know and
can help prevent them from becoming victims of child sexual assault because
people are less likely to target children that are informed and will speak up,”
Eric mumbled quickly.

“Ok are there any questions?” Hannah asked.

“Child porn is really a thing?” Terra asked.

“Yeah, it’s really a thing. Ask Johnny,” Eric said smirking as I felt like I’d
be punched in the stomach again.

“Eric, I certainly hope you are joking and either way that was inappropriate so
you need to go up the desk and tell Gavin you’re in isolation understand?”
Hannah warned him.

“That’s bullshit,” Eric scoffed.

“That’s not bullshit. You don’t single someone out like that and you don’t joke
about something like this. That wasn’t funny and I won’t accept it so you need
to go to the desk and tell them you’re in the back until I can come and talk to
you about why that wasn’t acceptable,” Hannah said pointing to the door.

“Whatever,” Eric snorted and got up opening the door and slamming it loudly
behind him as he left the room and went up to the front desk.

“Yes, Terra sadly it’s a very real thing and it happens to many children.
Usually it’s violent and nasty people who force kids to do that. The people who
have to go through that are psychologically damaged for the rest of their
lives,” Hannah answered.
“It’s not always violent,” Dom said quietly almost so quietly half the room
didn’t hear him.

“What Dom? I’m sorry,” Hannah asked.

“It’s not always violent like huh,” Dom’s cheeks flushed, “Sometimes, just the
threat of them hitting you is enough to make you…do what they want you to do.”

“Yes, that can be true and that’s away that a lot of them get people to stay
silent is they don’t hurt them that way they can try and convince their victim
it’s something the victim wanted. Something they were willing to do. Another
thing that they sometimes do is convince the victim it’s their fault, blame
them for example they might say something like “If you weren’t so beautiful I
wouldn’t want to do this type of stuff to you” or they might say to their
victim “you seduced me” things like that which are not true at all. The people
who do this are usually older they are usually adults where as a kid can only
be expected to defend themselves so much. Even boys around Josh’s age are not
match for a lot of grown adult men which are around 90% of the people who do
this,” Hannah said.

“My cousin said that to me,” Terra said quietly, “That it was my fault because
I was so beautiful that I was just asking for it, teasing him. I felt guilty
about it for a very long time and I shouldn’t have. It was his fault not mine.”

“I’m sorry someone did that to you Terra,” Josh said and all us nodded our
heads in agreement.

“I think, at first after it happened I just felt like if I did something to
make myself less attractive no one would ever do that to me again and so I
stopped eating. Then before I realized it I wasn’t in control anymore, I was
what I am now. That one thing, that one moment might actually kill me one day.
It’s actually really stupid and sad when you think about it.” Terra said.

“I understand that, wanting to go unnoticed. Wanting to disappear,” Adam said
and a lot of us nodded our heads in agreement.

“Ok everyone take a break, make some phone calls and what not guys Mr. Tony is
going to be doing goals group with you and then it’ll be showers and bed time.
Tomorrow is Friday so it’s my first short day of the weekend but I’ll be here
for anyone that wants to talk for sure and of course Levi and Sam will be here,
go do your thing,” Hannah said standing up dismissing us.

Since it had mentioned being protective of siblings I had felt the urge to call
mine, to talk to Will and see how he was doing, if he was ok because I knew
what was happening to him. That Da was probably using him as a substitute for
me I went up to the phone and immediately dialed out the phone ringing as I
heard my heart pound in my chest.
 
“Hello?” I heard a voice I couldn’t quiet place answer.

“Matty, Mikey?” I asked not sure who it was.

“Mikey,” Mikey told me.

“It’s John, I’m calling to check in and see what’s going on,” I said.

“Huh, it’s tiring, the babies but otherwise things are going okish,” Mikey
answered, “Why?”

“Because I care about you guys,” I answered.

“Yeah where was that caring when you tried to leave us here?” Mikey asked
surprising me with how adult he sounded and seemed.

“I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself it was selfish and stupid,” I
answered him, “How is Will doing?”

“I don’t know he won’t talk to me,” Mikey answered, “Da let him go for a while
on Wednesday he came up here but he didn’t really say that much just ate and
read his book. He went back downstairs last night and I haven’t seen him since.
Alice is complaining but we’re trying to make things easier.”

“What do you mean she’s complaining?” I asked.

“About different things,” Mikey answered quietly.

“What do you mean?” I asked him feeling like my heart was going to stop.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s ok we’ll be fine just get home, all right?” Mikey
asked me, “Have you seen mum? Do you know when she’s coming home?”

“No,” I answered, “I’m supposed to be out Monday but I’m not sure if I’m coming
home right away or not. There’s stuff going on there that I huh, it’s not
something you need to hear about. Anyway, I wish you would tell me what’s going
on. How is Will doing?”

“Like I said I can’t tell you because he won’t talk to anyone but Da’s not
really letting him leave Da’s bedroom so that should answer some questions you
have. Mr. Lord was over yesterday while you were getting a visit from Da. He
took James down in the basement.”

“No,” My heart sank.

“He seems like he’s ok he’s just really quiet right now,” Mikey answered me,
“So you’re coming home Monday you think?”

“Yeah, I think so. What about you, are you ok?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” Mikey answered.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’ll be fine,” Mikey answered.

“Ok I’ll be home as soon as I can, I swear to you. Tell everyone I’m sorry and
to just hold on ok?” I said feeling like I was choking on my own air knowing
they were in pain. That without me their lives were hell. That Da was probably
doing things to every one of them and if it wasn’t him it was uncle Ben.

The fact that he had let Lord over there and let him touch James who was barely
old enough to really understand what they were doing to him made me so angry. I
wanted to punch the wall just because I felt so helpless and couldn’t think of
anything else to do but managed to sigh.

“We’ll be ok,” Mikey insisted, “We always are. We just miss you and mum.”

“I know I’m sorry. This isn’t fair to you that I did this I’m sorry. I love you
Mikey tell everyone else I love them and I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

“I will, I love you too. We’ll be ok,” Mikey said.

“Ok, get in bed. It’s past your bedtime. Goodnight,” I replied.

“Night,” Mikey said and hung up the phone.

I looked around me my heart racing the whole room feeling like it was spinning.
I didn’t know what to do I felt so helpless being stuck where I was knowing I
couldn’t protect them I remember the time and then dialed his office knowing he
was probably still up there that the line should be free it rang twice and then
he answered.

“Hello Connor McGregor here how can I help you?” He said as I felt like there
were marbles in my mouth hearing his voice over the line, a voice that sounded
warm and inviting. Not the cold voice that made my skin crawl as he whispered
things in my ear at night making me do things with him, “Hello?” He questioned
into the phone.

“Da,” I said quietly.

“Hi baby, what’s going on?” He asked me.

“Leave them alone Da,” I begged him tears forming in my eyes, “Please.”

“That is something you should have thought about before you decided that
slitting your wrist was a preference you had to being with me,” he said coldly.

“Da please, please don’t let them do anything else. Keep him away from James.
James is only little it’s not fair,” I begged.

“Jamie is fine he’s making a new friend. Mr. Lord likes him. Don’t worry he
doesn’t hurt him, he’s nice,” Da said.

“Da no,” I hissed quietly.

“Don’t worry about it baby. Maybe when you get home we’ll work something out
huh? One video a month in exchange for your brother and his virtue, what’s left
of it,” Da said casually.

I swallowed, “Maybe. Don’t I already have tons of those though?” I asked him.

“You know about that?” He asked me.

“About what?” I asked.

“Don’t play stupid. The website,” he hissed.

“Dom saw his Dad on it once. He remembered the address and took a closer look
when his Dad wasn’t home. He told me what he found so yeah, I know about it,” I
answered quietly.

“Ok then,” He said sighing, “I’ll come see you tomorrow.”

“I know,” I answered.

“I got a call from Leo earlier,” Da said, “You want to tell me why I have to be
gentle with you?”

“Da, there’s people here,” I answered.

“Ok then you’ll tell me tomorrow, right?” Da asked me.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Ok baby,” Da answered, “I love you I’ll see you tomorrow, all right?”

“Yeah, Da, I love you too,” I answered before I hung up the phone. I felt numb.
He was letting people rape them and there was nothing I could do about it. I
had no power here. None at all. I couldn’t even offer myself to him in order to
keep them safe because I wasn’t home. I sighed walking down the hallway towards
my bedroom.

“John?” Hannah asked in the darkness causing me to turn around.

“Yeah Miss Hannah?” I asked.

“Can I talk to you for just a second?” She asked me.

I nodded my head and turned around walking back towards her. When I came up to
her, her eyes seemed sad looking at me like she was searching hard for
something. Scanning my eyes for some sort of clue.

“Is what Eric said true? Someone took photos of you doing certain things?” She
asked me slowly.

I shook my head and sighed.

“Ok, every boy answered yes to that one question yesterday so I thought I would
check. Can you tell me what did happen?” She asked me slowly.

I sighed and thought of my lie, of my cover story, “I was seven. My football
coach did things to me,” I answered.

“Are you sure that’s all?” She asked me, “I mean the scars on your chest, the
marks I saw on your hips all of those things point in a different direction.”

“Yes, I’m sure. If there was something else going on I wouldn’t tell you
anyway,” I answered.

“Why, because you don’t trust me?” She asked me.

“No, it’s not that. It’s safer that way,” I answered, “Hypothetically
speaking.”

“Why do you think that?” She asked me, “I can get you help if something is
happening.”

“Nothing is happening. I swear it to you. Not for a long time now ok?” I asked
her looking at her.

She pursed her lips and nodded her head after a moment, “Ok,” she said, “I
believe you.”

“May I go to bed early?” I asked, “I’m tired.”

“Of course, if you don’t need to shower or anything you are very much free to
go to bed,” she answered me.

“Ok, thank you. Goodnight,” I answered turning around and walking back down the
hallway.

I heard her sigh sadly behind me but I didn’t turn around. I was too tired to
care and I felt like it wasn’t worth it. As long as I kept my mouth shut it
didn’t matter whether she believed me or not I had already killed one person
and I wasn’t going to kill another one.

I went into the room I shared with Dom and curled up in my bed allowing my
anxiety to show allowing my body to tremble releasing all the anxiety that I
had been holding in since I had seen Leo closing my eyes and allowing myself to
try and relax. My mind still racing around with what I had said to Leo. How I
had promised that I would be his that I would uphold my contract. At some point
I fell asleep Only to be woken to the sound of panting and frantic whispering.

I knew what was happening. I knew it was Neal, I knew what he was doing and I
knew there was nothing I could to stop it. Nothing I could offer him to make
him leave Dom alone so I did as I had promised the first night I got there. I
kept my eyes closed. I tried not to move or make a sound until I heard the door
of our room open and footsteps recede down the hallway.

I waited a moment and then sat up opening my eyes to find Dom pulling his pants
back up his hands shaking. I looked at him in the dark and he noticed me and
sighed heavily only shooting me a brief glance. I stared at him in silence not
sure what to say before he just shook his head and cleared his throat not
making eye contact with me.

“Hey,” Dom whispered.

“Hi,” I answered quietly, “Are you ok?”

Dom looked at me and barely shook his head, “I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?” I asked.

“Yeah kind of hurt actually so, not too bad. A little bit of pain goes a long
way sometimes,” Dom answered.

“So, it wasn’t…” he cut me off.

“Can we just pretend it didn’t happen? That you didn’t hear any of it?” He
asked me, “And I’m going to go clean up a little bit and then hopefully I’ll be
able to sleep. Just one thing though, you could have reminded me about that
fucking monster in his pants.”

“I huh, sorry?” I said.

“Explains, your cowboy walk every morning,” Dom said shaking his head as he
waddled to the bathroom and turned on the sink.

I felt horrible. Completely and honestly terrible about the fact I didn’t think
to warn him. I honestly didn’t think Neal would do that to him just because
Neal couldn’t have me. I felt so incredibly stupid and like keeping my mouth
closed had been a bad idea because I could feel Dom’s anger radiating from him
through the bathroom door. The door opened after a few minutes and he still
wouldn’t look at me.

“I’m sorry Dom, really I am,” I said.

“It’s not you who did it. Don’t worry about it,” Dom said laying down.

“Look if this happened because Leo said they couldn’t do that to me than it is
my fault and I’m sorry ok?” I said.

“No, it’s not your fault because they shouldn’t even want to do that to you or
me or anyone, all right? I don’t care to talk about it. I just kind of want to
go to sleep. So, if you don’t mind I will curl up in the ball and allow my
asshole to burn while I try to sleep,” Dom answered.

“Ok, got it. I really am sorry though,” I replied.

“I know you are but you shouldn’t be,” Dom said, “Goodnight John.”

“Night,” I said laying back down and closing my eyes.
***** Chapter 20 *****
Chapter Summary
     John's break is cut short. A break of three days he thought he was
     going to get suddenly slashed in half when Connor and Leo come to an
     agreement. He learns things from Leo.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 350 to 369, Warnings: Talk of rape, non/con mental health
     issues, bullying. I was lazy with editing this chapter I have a busy
     week but wanted to give you guys something. Let me know what you
     think or what you think is going to happen.
I managed to fall asleep and sleep through the night until Neal woke both Dom
and I up at the same time. I think we both went through vitals half asleep and
then showers, just like everyone else. The whole day already seeming long after
answering questions like “did you have a bowel movement last night?” and “Do
you feel like hurting yourself?” first thing in the morning. I went to the day
room and sat down looking over to find Adam sitting there.

“Morning,” Adam said.

“Morning,” I said.

“You seem better today,” Adam said as Dillon came in and leaned his head on
Adam’s shoulder closing his eyes.

“For now,” I answered knowing what was going to happen Monday. Knowing that the
only reason I hadn’t been raped the night before or that morning was because
they had been told to keep their hands off me. That way I’d be ready for Monday
when I probably wouldn’t go home or if I did it would only be for a short while
and then I would go with Leo. Go with him where ever it was he was planning on
taking me.

“You shouldn’t lean on him like that,” Dom said to Dillon as he sat down next
to me, “Not unless you want your name in a certain glass orb if you know what
I’m saying.”

“I’m not doing anything but trying to go back to sleep,” Dillon mumbled.

“On his shoulder,” Dom replied.

“You’re just jealous because you don’t have someone you can do this with,”
Dillon said still not opening his eyes.

“Excuse me I just…never mind,” Dom said shaking his head, “Your funeral.”

“Ah,” Adam said nodding his head, “You ok Dom?”

Dom just shrugged his shoulders and avoided looking at Adam. He didn’t care to
talk about it just like I never cared to really talk about it. I felt like it
wasn’t anyone’s business unless I wanted it to be and that was how I felt about
most people.

“This is why you two are friends,” Adam said, making the same comment he had
made to me.

“What?” Dom asked confused.

“He says we don’t talk about things and that’s why we’re friends,” I said and
Dom looked at me.

“Maybe,” Dom agreed.

“You two should be a thing,” Dillon said only opening one eye causing both Dom
and I to look at each other and start laughing.

“I couldn’t.” I said shaking my head.

“Why not?” Dillon said sitting up, “You two would be cute together just
saying…”

“Well, his heart belongs to someone else and his body belongs to someone
different than that. So, he’s pretty taken,” Dom commented for me shaking his
head as I nodded mine.

“That and Dom is…not in the market. correct?” I asked Dom.

“Yeah, I’m not really into…that,” Dom said.

“You’re straight? How on earth have you managed to be straight when you have
someone shoving their…” Dillon started to ask as Adam covered Dillon’s mouth
with his hand.

“Don’t,” Adam warned and Dillon sighed and rolled his eyes but stopped asking
his question.

“I am mostly uninterested,” Dom answered.

“OH!” Dillon said, “Got you.”

“Oh?” Eric questioned, “What you letting everyone stick it in you now Dillon?
I’m honestly surprised.”

“Shut up,” Adam said as Dillon looked angrily at Eric.

“Are we supposed to talk about you and Sam now?” Dillon asked.

“What about me and fire crotch and that dream I had about him last night?” Eric
chided at me making me feel sick.

“John don’t throw up please,” Dom said seeing it on my face.

“He vomits when he gets really nervous,” Adam said as Dillon shot him a
questioning look.

“Not every time, Jesus,” I said, “I’m fine, ok? I’m just not ok with those
types of comments.”

“Why not?” Eric asked, “Can’t tell if I’m joking or not?”

“I don’t personally think it matters if you’re joking. You need to stop,” Adam
said.

“Why? He’s a five like he really has any idea what it’s like,” Eric snorted,
“He probably gets done on pillowtop mattresses and has never seen a whip in his
life.”

“Why do you always say that?” Dillon asked, “He’s a five yeah. but whatever,
he’s still one of us and he doesn’t fucking want Sam.”

“I have videos of me out there,” I said, “You know it and so does everyone
else. and you think I haven’t seen a whip? I’m pretty damn sure in at least one
of those videos they are whipping me or something pretty damn close to it.”

“Tell me what it was like and I might actually believe you,” Eric said.

“Hell no!” Dom said, “Nope. You have no right to ask that of anyone. You won’t
fucking talk so he doesn’t have to fucking say shit to you. He doesn’t owe you
anything. He doesn’t have to tell you anything about his life, his family or
anything he’s been through just like you don’t. So, keep your fucking mouth
shut before I shut it for you.”

“You think you could take me?” Eric asked standing up.

Dom sighed and stood up wearing an angry sneer, “Hey, I’m fucking pissed the
morning and pounding someone’s face in doesn’t sound like a bad idea right now.
So, yeah I’ll see what I can muster.”

They squared off Eric grabbing Dom by the arms and Dom just shook his head and
headbutted Eric hard in the face as someone who just came into the room let a
string of expletives getting staffs attention as Eric kneed Dom in the stomach
and Dom managed to give Eric and upper cut to the Jaw as Gavin came onto Unit
and didn’t even take off his coat but Ran to them grabbing Eric and turning him
around. He pushed Eric backwards out of the room as Josh who I don’t even
remembering entering the room held Dom back and shouted at him.

“Jesus fucking Christ Dom calm down! what in the world?!” Josh screamed.

“I wasn’t in the mood!” Dom answered.

“Wasn’t in the mood for what?” Josh asked.

“Eric was taunting John again,” Adam answered.

“I wasn’t in the mood to see him relive any of that shit to watch his face go
pale and watch him shake. I’m sorry, ok? You guys have caught on that’s what’s
going on when he’s shaking like that right? He’s having constant panic attacks
because he can’t deal with this. He’s almost out of this shit hole the least we
can do is try to keep him calm before he has to go back to that fucking bastard
and his bullshit alright?” Dom spat.

“Back to who?” Josh asked looking at us.

“I don’t…” I started to speak but Josh cut me off.

“You don’t want to talk about it. I get it and you haven’t really but, who your
uncle? Man, whatever you are going back to, at least you’re not dead,” Josh
answered.

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I didn’t even know if Dom knew about
Leo I couldn’t remember if we had even discussed it really. I knew that we had
discussed Da for sure but not Leo. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t
want to hear anyone else discuss it. I wanted to pretend for the next three
days that my whole life had just been a bad dream. That I was somewhat normal.

“He might as well be, he has a contract on him,” Adam said.

“ADAM!” I yelled feeling my face heat up.

“Sorry,” he answered sheepishly, “Maybe if they knew though they’d understand
why you are so touchy.”

At that point I noticed almost everyone was in the room. I sighed knowing my
personal business had just been put out there by someone I thought would keep
it to themselves. It made me feel angry and hurt. Just like everyone else
somehow managed to do it made me feel like I didn’t matter, like what I wanted
didn’t matter.

“Wait, no?” Tyler said shaking his head, “They don’t do contracts on
untouchables.”

“Yeah, they do,” Dom answered, “Pat’s a four and he has a contract so why not a
five?”

“I don’t believe it,” Tyler said shaking his head, “Who would want to contract
you?”

“Well,” Ron said looking at me, “He’s just barely older than me and he’s hot so
who wouldn’t?”

“Ron!” Josh said shaking his head.

“Sorry,” Ron said.

“Is it true John? You’re contracted once you leave here?” Josh asked me
quietly.

I knew my body was shaking. I didn’t want to talk about this. It wasn’t
anyone’s business who was going to be sticking their dick up my ass once I left
here. Whether it was my Da or my Uncle or Hank or Leo or all of them it wasn’t
anyone’s business.

“John, it’s ok you don’t have to tell him anything,” Dom said to me.

“I’m not going to,” I said shaking my head.

“Just tell me who? Maybe I can pull a favor. I’m dead anyway. Maybe I can offer
them a deal, give them a chance to take it out on someone else, really let
loose,” Josh said.

I just shook my head. Leo wasn’t that type of brotherhood member. He seemed to
enjoy hurting me more mentally than physically never raping me to the point
where I was sore enough I couldn’t be used again after a short break. I didn’t
see him ever letting loose on someone in that way. In the way I pictured Josh
talking about. Remembering how Cole had described Justin’s death them drilling
holes into his body just to fuck him through them and allowing him to bleed to
death. Leo was sadistic in a different way. A very different way.

“You don’t know until you try,” Josh said softly, “Let me help you.”

“You can’t,” I said curling my knees to my chest, “He’s not like that.”

“Burgess do you know who it is?” Josh asked Adam.

“Huh,” Adam looked at me before he answered, “I don’t think I’m allowed to
say.”

“How do you know it won’t work?” Josh pleaded, “please tell me.”

“Josh, he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t want me to so quit asking him,” Adam
said a look of regret on his face telling me he was sorry.

“Contracts never end well. Whoever it is they will fuck you until you can’t
feel anymore. You have already tried to kill yourself once, so why do you think
it’s better to keep it to yourself?” Josh asked me.

“Because it’s my business not yours,” I answered, “I tried to kill myself
because of the contract. Because I knew it was happening and I … he scares me.
ok? You don’t know what he’s like. What any of them are like. You don’t know
what they do.”

“I think we have an idea,” Josh said, “The scars on our hips will tell you
that. Who is it?”

I just shook my head. I really didn’t want to talk about any of it. I didn’t
want to think about how even now if he wanted me he could have me. How there
wasn’t any escaping him. How all he had to do was tell anyone who worked here
he wanted to see me and I was alone in a room with him for as long as he wanted
me to be there and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

“No,” I answered.

“Who is it?” He asked again.

“I can’t tell you,” I answered.

“Why not?” He asked.

“Because it’s more trouble than it’s worth ok? If I just…” I sighed trying to
swallow the tightness in my chest. The act not working. I was shaking, I knew I
was going to start crying or screaming if I opened my mouth again. I couldn’t
say the words “if I just let it happen like…like I promised things will be
easier.” I couldn’t let them know I had agreed to it even though I was
terrified of it.

If they knew I agreed to it all of them especially Eric would turn on me in
less than a second. They would tell me I deserved what I agreed to. That I
might as well go and join the brotherhood. Which wasn’t anything I ever wanted.
Not with knowing the stuff they did to people.

“You don’t owe him any explanation,” Dom said to me, “You’re ok for right now.
You’re ok.”

“No, I’m not,” I answered, “I’m not anywhere close to ok and I never will be.”

“Ok, everyone that is going to breakfast line up,” Gavin said opening up the
door to the day room and sighing as he looked at us, “What’s up? Eric and Dom’s
scene cause some problems because you all look terrible.”

“No, we’re fine,” Josh said, “Come on guy’s breakfast and then goals.”

Everyone sighed and started lining up next to the double doors and lead off the
unit. I watched from the window and saw Gavin say something to Dom and Dom
stomped his foot and protested as Gavin pointed at the day room and Dom sighed
rolling his eyes and walking back over.

“What’s wrong?” Adam asked.

“Oh well apparently, Eric admitted he was being a jackass and he started it but
I’m getting punished for head budding him because he might have a broken nose,”
Dom said, “So I’m eating at least breakfast up here.”

“Neal is here,” Adam said, “If Neal isn’t taking them down and Gavin is that
means Neal is here he’s either in the back with Eric or he’s going to be…”

“Here with us,” I finished.

“Fuck!” Dom said.

“Dom, you’ll be ok,” I answered.

“I can’t do that again,” Dom said shaking his head.

“I won’t let it happen,” I said.

“John they’ve cocked blocked you. You aren’t yours to offer to anyone,” Adam
said, “I’ll give it a go if you want me to.”

“No!” Dom and I said in unison.

“Why not? I can take being punched in the gut a couple times and held down.
It’s not like it hasn’t happened before,” Adam said.

“He’s not like that Burgess,” Dom said, “He’s huh. He’s like my pop.”

“Really?” I asked, “That’s why you can’t do it again? Because he’s like that
with everyone just like them? Awesome. That’s fucking great.”

“Yeah apparently,” Dom snorted, “Nothing worse than that.”

“Wait you mean to say that stuff you told me your dad does, the way he is.
That’s how Neal is?” Adam asked me.

“Yes,” I answered, “That’s what we’re saying.”

“I’ve never had that happen. Does it really hurt that bad? Fuck you up that
bad?” He asked.

“They ever make you cum without pain before?” Dom asked straight out not sugar
coating it, “They ever hit that spot that makes your eyes roll and you see
spots without some type of sharp burning spreading up your body starting at
your tail bone and through your gut? Trust me it’s not something you’ll like.
And the things they’ll say, you don’t ever want to hear that shit.”

“What are you saying?” Burgess asked.

I sighed, “Just don’t draw his attention. If I draw it, you should be fine both
of you.”

“We’re not your brothers,” Dom said, “Don’t. He might not even try anything.”

“I doubt that considering…” I mumbled.

“Hey, don’t man. It’s not your ass we’re talking about for once,” Dom warned
me.

Just then the food chart arrived with three trays on it. They were set on the
and we gathered around taking our seats. I laughed when I lifted the lid
because it was fucking oatmeal with yogurt and apple sauce. Two things that I
wouldn’t eat if my life depended on it and I thought of how that was going to
keep me on restriction for tomorrow too. Awesome.

“What’s funny?” Dom asked.

“I’m not eating this,” I said pushing my tray away.

“Why not?” Adam asked.

“Reminds me too much of the diet I was on before I left home,” I answered
simply.

“You sure about that or did you just miss my company at dinner last night?”
Adam asked wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“Yeah you caught me. That was totally it man, I have a giant gay crush on you.”
I said frowning shaking my head and Dom laughed loudly.

Adam started laughing too between bites of food. It was good to hear Dom laugh
since I hadn’t heard him laugh that often to begin with but especially not
since I found him in this place. It was good to get a laugh going. Me even
giving a small chuckle at my joke as I sat there watching the other two eat
their food.

I ate my apple sauce and drank my juice listening to the other two joke. It
almost made me forget about Neal. That he was there and that he was a threat
until I saw him watching us and I felt myself go cold goose bumps raising on my
flesh. I didn’t want to be anywhere he was because he was worse than Gavin. I
mean Gavin might be handsy but at least Gavin didn’t have an 11-inch dick that
he enjoyed shoving up your ass quiet as much and usually he didn’t have a
chance to get you alone.

“I think we’ve made it to goals all right,” Adam said pointing at the line
outside the unit, “Now if everyone behaves I think we’ll be ok.”

“You really think so?” Dom asked, glancing at the desk in the foyer.

“Yeah,” Adam said, “I just have this feeling we’ll be ok and Neal doesn’t do
weekends so we should be able to get through this just fine.”

Goals group went by fast as did most of the day but as it got closer to lunch I
got more nervous because lunch met the middle of the day and that meant that
soon I would be seeing Leo and Da. Hopefully not together because that hadn’t
ended well ever with them either taking turns on me or doing things to me
together.

I don’t even really remember what mental health group was about and class time
involved the same old worksheets that it always did. After class I was pulled
up to the unit to eat lunch with Burgess which consisted of a weird gross
looking pizza and some bread sticks along with an apple. While it didn’t look
that great it wasn’t half bad and Adam made faces at it as he poked it with a
fork.

“So, is anyone visiting you today?” He asked me suddenly when I was half way
done with my tray.

“I think my Da is coming,” I answered, “I don’t know though, not really. I kind
of hope he doesn’t come because I just…”

“You don’t want to deal with him because you know you’ll have to Monday?” He
asked me, “Speaking of have you heard anything about that yet?”

“About what?” I asked.

“How your release is going to work are you going home or what?” He asked me.

“I have no idea,” I answered, “I think I’m going home but I don’t know it seems
like he’s leaving me here over the weekend and not having anyone touch me so he
can…” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I’m supposed to meet my new foster parents today. From what I understand they
are in the brotherhood but they are supposedly nice people I guess? I don’t
know I have no idea if they have any more kids or anything like that.” Adam
said.

“Are you scared?” I asked him.

“Terrified,” Adam answered simply.

“Me too,” I answered, “People don’t get why I’m so scared of him but if they
knew him, they would get it.”

“Who Dr. Swartzman?” Adam asked.

“Yeah,” I said, “Dom’s met him I just don’t think he’s put two and two
together. I don’t know maybe he hasn’t even seen him up close so he doesn’t
know it’s him,” I said.

“Just try not to think about it,” Adam said drinking some of his soda.

“Yeah, I’m trying to relax and enjoy the weekend but the thought of Monday
scares me,” I said.

“Then try not to think about it, today in life skills we’re supposed to bake in
the activity therapy room. That will be fun I can dump Sugar on Eric if you
like, or cover him in sprinkles and flour. It might cheer you up and it will
piss him the hell off. Wouldn’t be the first time someone has thrown flour at
him and asked him if he got the black scared out of him. He gets damn pissed
when you make those jokes. Maybe I’ll ask him how it feels to be as white as
you.” Adam said smiling.

“I’m not that pale,” I said.

“Yes, yes you are it’s all that Irish in you,” Adam said.

“I’m like all Irish,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Does your family do anything weird and Irishy like dress up for St. Patrick’s
Day?” He asked.

“No, we’re Irish most of my family aren’t drunks however I have a brother named
Malachy and another named Seamus,” I answered.

“So, no top of the morning to ya greetings or anything?” Adam asked.

“Well, obviously, we have accents and yes the word aye gets thrown about a bit
by my mum and sometimes my Da. Wee one gets used just like language stuff I
guess. I don’t know a lot of the slang is the same as British. However, the
longer I’m here the less I use those types of expressions. I mean if I walked
around saying doing a number and things like that I think people would take it
wrong,” I answered.

“What’s that mean?” Adam asked.

“Giving someone piss,” I answered.

“Yeah never heard that one either,” he said.

“It means making fun of someone to make them upset,” I answered.

“So, Eric likes doing a number on you?” Adam asked and I cringed.

“Yeah doesn’t sound right. Does it?” I asked him.

“No,” Adam said shaking his head.

I managed to finish all of my food even though I was nervous because I knew Leo
was going to call me into his office at some point because he usually asked to
see me before free time. I was right at some point Mr. Tony came in and
motioned to me to follow him taking me off the Unit. I sighed and followed.

“Dr.?” I asked.

“Yes, he’s checking in with you,” Mr. Tony said, “I’ll be outside it’s only 20
minutes I think.”

“Ok, I guess once I’m done I’ll see you after,” I said as the door opened and
Leo beckoned me inside making me freeze because My Da was sitting in the room.

“Da?” I asked still standing in the door way Mr. Tony behind me somewhere
probably watching.

“You’re ok, come on we have stuff to talk about,” Leo said.

I stepped in feeling my whole-body tense. This wasn’t good. Them together was
never good. Leo went up behind me and shut the door placing a hand on my
shoulder for a second. I didn’t want to be in a room alone with the two of them
with the door shut.
“Sit down,” Da said patting the empty spot on the love seat next to him, “We’ve
done some talking.”

“And?” I asked sitting down next to him reluctantly.

“Well,” Leo said, “You’re getting out today. But you’re not going home you’re
going to stay with me and go forward with the plans you interrupted with your
outburst.”

“What? Why can’t I go home?” I asked.

“Well, the contract is I have you for weekends and this might be only two and
half days but you start school on Monday so we’re going to make it work. I
would leave you in here but from what I understand Sam has a problem with
following direction so I would rather have you someplace safer,” Leo said, “And
your dad and I have agreed that it would be a good time for you to leave.
You’ll stay the weekend with me so I can keep an eye on you as you adjust to
your higher dose of medication and we’ll spend some quality time together.”

“So, I can’t see mum or the kids I just have to go with Leo?” I asked looking
at my Da feeling like the air was being sucked out of the room.

“You’ll see mum when she gets out, she’s not being released yet and you’ll see
the kids Monday after school. I have already talked to Leo about it. Your
uniform is in the car with him, I had it let out for you a while ago but if we
need to buy one that’s a little bigger that’s fine we’ll have them for next
week ok?” Da said.

I sighed. I wanted to go home I didn’t want to be with Leo and I was still
slightly sore in certain places just not as sore as I had been. I knew what he
wanted from me. I wasn’t stupid to think I could go to his house for a whole
weekend and him not want to do those types of things with me. I felt tired and
confused and my weekend with a chance with no abuse had just been torn out from
under me.

“We’re going to go up to the unit with you and I’m going to check you out and
when Leo is done with his work he’s going to meet you in the parking lot and
you’re going to go home with him ok?” My Da said.

“Am I supposed to…” I trailed off not sure how to word what I was thinking.

“What baby?” Da asked grabbing my shoulder.

“Please him?” I asked trying to put it delicately.

My Da smiled at me taking the question the wrong way, “You’re excited about
it?”

I shook my head my cheeks flushing, “No, I’m still sore because of some stuff.”
I answered.

“Sore? What happened?” My Da asked.

“One of the orderlies got a little too edger,” Leo answered him, “He’s ok he
applied ice he might be a little bruised still but otherwise I’m sure he’s all
right and I won’t…I’ll give you a break on that beautiful I promise. At least
another day no matter how hard it is to not pleasure you ok?”

I nodded my head.

“Can I see?” Da asked me causing me to shake my head, “Come on baby it’s not
anything I haven’t seen before. Don’t you trust me? I’m just going to look ok?”
He coaxed me.

“I really would prefer to not do that,” I answered being careful to avoid using
the words no, don’t or stop.

“Come on baby. It’s just so Leo and I can see that it’s healing ok,” My Da
said.

I stood up knowing I was stuck. That they would either not allow me to leave
until I showed them or would force me to show them anyway. I swallowed and
undid the snaps on my pants pulling them down exposing myself trying to stay
far enough away neither one of them could reach out and touch me. The both
glanced at it. The bruising along the shaft less apparent then it had been the
day before and definitely hurting less.

“That’s not too bad,” Leo said coming up to me but not touching me, “Just give
it another day or two and you should be fine.”

“We’ve discussed somethings,” Da said, “Leo likes to …well what is it called
Leo?”

“Danger sex,” Leo said, “The rush you get from the idea that you could be
caught is beyond thrilling. Hence why my SUV has dark tinted windows because if
someone pressed their face against the glass they would probably see what was
happening but most people wouldn’t do that so it’s exciting. I have this new
thing called a webcam and it’s pretty cool and I figured I could set that up
and we could have some fun with that too. I just wanted to tell you about it
and see what you think?”

“What’s a webcam?” I asked confused.

You have to understand it was 1999 and while webcams had been around for a
couple of years by then they were just starting to get popular and most of the
time were just used for pictures and stuff and I was 13. I didn’t know you
could take pictures with your computer yet and usually had limited access to
computers in general having only used them on occasion for school work and
email.

“It’s a little camera that attaches to your computer that you can use to take
pictures of yourself and sometimes video that you can put on the internet and
share with other people,” Leo answered the question.

“You mean like the stuff on the website,” I asked gulping feeling sick to my
stomach. They were going to make me make more videos and stuff of me with
people to sell for money.

“Don’t worry about it beautiful. You won’t even know it’s happening unless I
get some type of request it’s ok,” Leo said trying to reassure me that it was
ok.

“I don’t want to do that,” I said.

Leo sighed looking at my Da who looked angry and shook his head, “Ok, it’s ok.
It’s something to think about all right?”

I could feel myself shaking at the thought. Goose bumps prickling on the back
of my neck. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to have sex with Leo at all
let alone in front of other people. Especially the way he was. How he wasn’t
rough but the way he did it, the things he said. I didn’t want to go anywhere
with him.

“Baby, you’ll be good and do what Leo tells you ok?” My Da said hugging me and
pulling me into his chest as he started rubbing the back of my neck making me
tense more. I didn’t want to even think about this happening.

“I was supposed to stay here for the weekend though,” I said still feeling
confused like they had just changed everything on a whim.

“Beautiful,” Leo said rolling his office chair close enough that his knees were
touching against mine while my Da held me close to him making me feel like I
couldn’t breathe, like I was trapped in a cage of flesh that I couldn’t escape
from, “It’s ok, I’m not going to leave you here because Sam has made it very
clear he won’t follow my rules and keep his hands to himself ok? Would you
rather I leave you here for Sam to abuse during the day and Neal to use during
the night? Because you told me that yesterday you wanted it to just be me, be
us,” he explained softly.

I swallowed. He was right him once or twice a day wasn’t as bad as those two
together three or four times a day or more. I didn’t want him on my skin
though. I didn’t want to think about the things he would do to me. The things
he would make me feel. How he would probably force me to sleep with other
people.

“So, I’m leaving?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m going to be waiting in the lobby for when you check out. You’re
going to go up to the unit make sure you have your script and what not and then
they’ll walk you down to the lobby ok. Don’t tell anyone you’re going home with
Leo. Just keep that between the three of us?” Da said.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head feeling sick to my stomach.

“Ok baby, you’ll be good for Leo, right? Be my good boy?” My Da asked me and I
nodded my head staring at my lap.

If I did this, if I was good and got through the weekend I’d be able to see my
brothers and sisters Monday after school. That might be ok. I had to be ok for
them so I could see them and be there for them and I knew I could never end up
in this place again not if I wanted to survive.

“Give me a kiss?” My Da asked me and I must have given him that look because he
sighed, “Baby it’s not a big deal it’s just me and Leo here. Leo’s seen us kiss
and he doesn’t mind it do you Leo?”

“No, I actually enjoy it. It’s refreshing to see someone enjoy you like that,”
Leo said to me.

“Please?” I asked not wanting to do it, not wanting to feel his tongue worm
around my mouth and tap against my teeth. I didn’t want him to touch me like
that, to kiss me.

“Be a good boy,” Da said grabbing my chin and holding my face still so I
couldn’t move away from him as he licked my bottom lip and then bit it lightly
getting me to gasp and shoving his tongue into my mouth making my face grow hot
as he did so. His kiss deepening as he leaned his weight forward forcing me to
lay back. I started to push at him whimpering a little bit under his weight and
the pressure of his kiss.

I felt like he was going to rape me. Like he was going to force the pants off
my body and push his way inside of me right there in front of Leo as he hands
went under my shirt tugging at my nipples rubbing his hands up and down the
bumpiness of my rib cage making me squirm. Making me wish I was anywhere else
but underneath him.

“Connor, we agreed,” I heard Leo sigh and Da broke our kiss moving away from me
allowing me to sit up and pull my shirt back down as I gasped for air and I
tried to collect myself.

“Sorry Leo, he’s so hard to resists if he wasn’t such a little tease…” My Da
trailed off his eyes still giving me that look. The look that said he wanted to
touch me, feel me in ways he shouldn’t ever want from his own son.

“I know, but he’s mine for the next six months Friday through Monday afternoon
so if you could please respect that I would really be happy,” Leo said.

“Yes of course, I’m sorry,” Da said apologizing to Leo for almost violating me
in front of him.

“Thank you. Ok beautiful Mr. Tony will take you back to the unit to do your
discharge paperwork and we should be out of here by around 3pm and no our way
to my condo,” Leo said standing up and making sure my clothes were in place
before he opened the door.

“Mr. Tony start getting his discharge papers ready,” Leo said to him.

“Yes sir. Congrats John that’s great that you’re getting out,” Mr. Tony said to
me smiling as we started walking back to the unit.

He must have noticed how solemn I seemed because he sighed looking at me like
he could tell I wasn’t happy to be leaving. That or he thought I wasn’t ready
to leave. I mean eight days ago, I had tried to kill myself and nearly
succeeded which didn’t make me an ideal candidate for a week-long hospital
stay.

“Are you ok John?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered lying.

“You sure about that?” He asked me again.

“There’s nothing anyone can do about it I might as well just accept it. It is
what it is,” I answered honestly trying to keep my face blank trying to stay
emotionless.

I didn’t want him to know how I felt. How much I was afraid of this even though
I had said ok to it, had agreed to it just to get out of here. I mean when I
said yes, I didn’t think I’d get out of here free and clear at all but I wasn’t
exactly expecting to go straight from the hospital to his condo to be his…his
toy. Just thinking about it make my mouth go dry with anxiety.

“Accept what?” Mr. Tony asked like he didn’t know what I was talking about. He
probably knew exactly what I was talking about but wanted to hear me say it.
Wanted me to confront my reality.

“That I’m their toy. That they get to do whatever they want and I have to
accept it,” I answered just as we got the unit and he put the key in the door
opening it and pushing on the handle as I held it open and walked through him
following behind me.
“Go say goodbye, I’ll try to buy you a little bit of time ok?” he said to me
and I nodded my head.

I walked onto the unit past the desk and noticed that Dom wasn’t in the day
room and hoped to god he wasn’t in the bedroom with Gavin and when I got there.
I sighed with relief because he wasn’t he was sitting on his bed reading a
book. When he heard me walk in he looked up and then his smile turned into a
frown as he saw my face.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I’m leaving,” I answered.

“Well at least you’ll have your brother and sister’s, right? I mean it can’t be
that bad besides your Dad.” Dom replied.

“No, you don’t get it I’m leaving but I’m not going home,” I answered.

“Where are you going then?” He asked me.

“To his house,” I answered.

“Whose house?” He asked starting to get worried.

“You remember that day we skipped before the party? How we went to the beach
and just pissed off school combing the beach and being stupid? How we stopped
at that diner and that guy showed up with Hank?” I asked.

“That guy that kept threatening you in the bathroom that you were beyond
terrified of. The guy that just wouldn’t leave you alone that guy?” Dom said
closing his book looking at me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “He’s that guy.”

“And you’re supposed to go home with him?” Dom asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Oh no, no,” Dom said shaking his head and balling his fist like he was mad,
“no”.

“Yeah,” I said, “How do I do this?”

“Contract?” Dom asked me and I nodded my head.

“You just do what you are told and learn how to read them. Sometimes asking
them what they like helps. Some of them will tell you right off the bat, some
of them will make you guess. Just try and go with the flow. Sometimes if you’re
good some of them are pretty nice when they aren’t… you know,” Dom answered.

“You’ve had a contract?” I asked.

“Two,” Dom answered this look flashing across his face before he managed to
make his expression blank, “Just like one when I was eight and another one when
I was 11. Usually they came over to our house and it wasn’t always horrible. I
don’t know. One of them he liked to take me places, the beach, Disney World, he
took me to the zoo a couple of times, the movies. It was fun when he wasn’t…I
almost liked him until he got me somewhere alone and reminded me why he was so
nice to me. That it was all just a trick to get me to do what he wanted.”

“He was rough?” I asked quietly.

“I was eight. You remember being eight when your body is that small everything
they do hurts. I mean you bleed just about every time you don’t remember that?”
Dom asked me.

“When I was that size it was only ever twice,” I answered, “I do remember being
so sore I couldn’t move though.”

“You’re lucky then. That it only happened twice when you were that size because
it happened to me 1000’s of times. I guess that’s what happens when you’re
raised in it though. When they buy you just for that.” Dom answered.

“Yeah, I am lucky that my Da made sure my uncle didn’t use me like that until I
was older. At least not regularly, apparently, something happened and I still
don’t remember it and I personally don’t want to.” I said.

“If that’s true if you were too little you’re lucky to be alive because I
remember it taking weeks to heal sometimes when I was eight. If you were much
younger than that…I can’t imagine how that went,” Dom replied, “But what’s this
guy like?”

“He’s bad,” I answered, “Do you remember the stuff he said to you?”

“About my Dad?” Dom asked.

“He says really really bad things,” I said, “All the time.”

“Considering what I remember him saying to me? I can believe it. Just try and
go with the flow it’ll be over before you know it ok? I’ll be here. Anytime you
need to talk about something or there is something you need to share that you
feel like you can’t share with Pat I’m here ok?” Dom said standing up and
coming over to me before he patted my shoulder in encouragement.

I hugged him and he hugged me back tightly just for a second, “Ok.” I answered
nodding my head.

“Good,” Dom said, “Don’t be afraid to call me. I’ll be out on Monday or Tuesday
so it won’t be that long. You ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I answered, “Thanks.”

“No problem, good luck alright?” Dom said.

I nodded my head and walked out to the day room and popped my head in. I told
Burgess I was leaving. I tried to keep the goodbye as short as possible with
him wishing me good luck but grimacing knowing it probably wasn’t anything
good. I didn’t want to tell him he was right or think about what his fate would
be like now that I was leaving, not knowing if I would ever see him again or
not.

After that I walked up to the front desk to go over discharge paperwork and
check out. It went a lot faster than intake did. I barely remember it besides
stripping my bed and making sure that all the clothes I came in with (which was
a hospital gown) were with me. They allowed me to wear my hospital uniform home
which I had plans to burn later.

When I got off the unit my Da was there and Leo was somewhere in the back on
his way out for the day. My Da took me outside and I felt my heart stop as we
walked up to the car parked next to that black SUV. I swallowed trying to hide
my anxiety. I knew I agreed to it so I didn’t want to protest but it felt
wrong. I knew it was wrong and I knew I didn’t want to get into the SUV with
Leo because once I did I was his.

His to do whatever he wanted to. His to make cry and scream and struggle. I
knew what I was going to go do. But, just seeing the SUV made me start to
shake. It made me remember how badly he had scared me that day and then it made
me remember Angela if he had a wife how was he planning to explain my presence
every weekend at their home? I didn’t want to ask my Da that question but it
really made me think about it. That maybe things wouldn’t be as bad as I was
expecting them to be.

“I love you, this is going to be ok,” Da told me trying to give me some
assurance.

“Da don’t,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t feel like this is ok. This is
something I don’t want to do but it’s better than being locked up in there,” I
said gesturing to the hospital.

“Well hopefully you’re mum gets tired of spreading lies about me. You know, how
I hate her and you kids. I don’t hate any of you I love you. I love all of you
so much I want more kids with her,” Da said.

“If you love us why do you treat us the way you do?” I asked him.

“Because of how much I love you. When you don’t listen, you need to be
corrected ok? I’m not doing it to punish you. I’m doing it to teach you and the
rest I know society says it’s not right but there is nothing wrong with
expressing your love to your kids,” He answered just as Leo approached us.

“You ready to go?” Leo asked me.

I felt overwhelming anxiety. If I said no would he sent me back in there and
give them a free for all banishing me to the isolation area where they could do
whatever they wanted to me? Would he let them treat me like I was some object
to use to make themselves happy? Before I could stop myself my tongue went to
my back molar. I didn’t want any of this.

“As ready as I’m going to be,” I answered as both him and Da were waiting for
my answer.

“Ok, come on say good bye to your dad you’ll get to see him Monday,” Leo said
smiling as he opened the passenger side door for me.

“I’ll see you later,” I said not looking my Da in the face. Knowing this was
something he agreed to and not me. I agreed to sleeping with Leo yeah. But I
hadn’t agreed to leave the hospital and go straight to his house.

“Yeah, I love you son be good ok? Listen to Leo,” My Da said hugging me causing
me to twitch as I lightly wrapped my arms around him returning the hug.

“I love you too,” I mumbled quietly before I turned and climbed into the car
where Leo was still holding the door open.

He must have talked to my Da for a minute or two because it took him a while to
get to the other side of the car where he opened the driver side door and
climbed in smiling at me. I exhaled slowly trying to keep my breathing even
remembering the last time I was in this car with him and what he had done to
me. How he had made me lay in the back and forced me to do things I didn’t want
to do. I glanced in the rear-view mirror and noticed the back seat was up like
it was supposed to be and that made me feel a little more at ease but I still
felt shaky and unsure, scared.

“Nervous?” Leo asked me as he buckled his seat belt and pulled out of the
parking lot.

“Yes,” I managed to answer feeling like there was a stone in my throat trying
to choke me to keep me from speaking and breathing.

“You shouldn’t be, do you have any questions for me?” He asked me.

“Where is Angela?” I asked.

“Ah, Angela and I are separated now,” he answered, “Full story or do you not
care to know?”

“You can tell me the whole story if you want to,” I answered thinking anything
to keep him talking so I didn’t have to speak was best.

“Well, she went and used my work laptop which she’s not supposed to touch and
never has before and she ran across some emails between me and other
brotherhood members discussing things. And then she called my oldest son at
college his name is Roy and Roy told her somethings that were upsetting.
However, the only reason he is where he is because of me and those connections
I helped him make the little shit. But anyway, so she took our younger son Rich
and left me. I told Rich to keep his mouth shut so he can still get into
college and he seems to be listening to me. Roy took it all back when he
realized how close he was to losing his tuition money but she still won’t come
back. We’re working on it but I honestly think she’s going to divorce me,” Leo
said, “So Angela is gone for right now at least. In the past I took my
contracts out of town on the weekends but now I have Condo not too far from the
house because Angela kept the house so you get to go there with me instead.
You’re the first one I’m taking there isn’t that cool?” He told me.

“I guess so,” I answered still feeling I had a stone in my throat.

“You have any more questions?” He asked.

“Why me?” I asked getting up the courage to actually look at him even though
his eyes were on the road.

“Well, that’s a long story too if you want me to be honest. There are a lot of
guys in the brotherhood that have types. Some it’s based on looks some it’s
personality. I’m a personality type of person. The first time I saw you it was
a video between you and just your Dad and the whimpers you made the protest but
the way he didn’t have to use restraints to get you to obey it was…” He exhaled
loudly, “Beautiful. and then your eyes, your skin, everything else about is
just beyond perfect so I knew I had to meet you. So, I asked around and got
your dad’s number and asked him about you and of course we met at Tony’s. You
remember that, right? That was like me taking you for a test drive and you were
prefect. The way you whimpered and cried and begged me to stop but you let me
do what you were made for. Let me use you the way you’re meant to be used. I
knew then I had to make you one of my boys.” He answered me.

“One of your boys?” I asked.

“Oh, I like contracting it makes things less messy. easier to deal with
especially because sometimes I’m on call at different places. If I have a boy
like Dylan for example, which you met. Dylan, he meets those needs for me, I
treat him well take him places, vacations, fancy dinners, the movies, baseballs
games, concerts where ever he wants to go really. it works better than messing
around in a basement somewhere like it’s some dirty secret.

I hate doing that. I was talking to your dad about it after that first night at
Tony’s but your dad didn’t want to share you. He wasn’t ready to make that type
of commitment I guess. I wasn’t really expecting to see you again besides at
the villa until your Dad really actually sat down and talked terms with me but
then Angela totally forgot about that appointment you had so I jumped at the
chance, and don’t tell your dad about that by the way. At first I wasn’t sure
it was you but then I got there and it was obviously you and I couldn’t help
myself. You’re so sweet beautiful so prefect. Right age, right personality,
very physically attractive everything about you is beyond amazing. I decided
I’d push to have you and your Dad and I have been talking about ever since.”
Leo answered.

So, he had only wanted me because of video he saw that was made while I drunk
and tired and half blacked out. He only wanted to be with me because I was
everything he was looking for in someone to torture. to be his play thing. That
really made me feel awesome. And what exactly was he talking about don’t tell
my dad about my appointment? did my Da not know what Leo had done to me? How he
had driven me around for hours raping me in parking lots making me beg him to
stop to just let me go home. Did my Da not know about that at all?

“So, we’re like dating?” I asked confused, “And what do you mean don’t tell my
Da does he not know about it?”

“Yes, I like to think of it as dating. I’ll buy you things and take you places
as long as you submit to me. Usually I hold a contract for 6 months as a test
out type of thing and then resign for a year or two at a time after that. I
have what they call an age range of young men I’m attracted to and I’ve found
with time that after a certain age they just not longer suit my needs. It
depends on the guy really, I can find someone as young as eight attractive but
usually it’s between 11 and 16. Dylan was 14 when we started dating and when
our contract ended last time I chose not to renew and he understood why. I mean
he’s 17 now so he’s a little bit past where I find them attractive. but you
know it is what it is and we’re both thankful for the experience I’m sure. And
your Dad knows about some of what happened during your appointment with Dr.
Larkin yes but, not all of it. If you did tell nothing really bad would happen
I just prefer to keep that between us ok?” He asked glancing at me for a brief
moment.

I nodded my head. So, when he said he thought I was prefect he meant it. I was
prefect for his needs, what he wanted. I still didn’t really understand it
though why have a wife if you were into guys? That part I didn’t get at all.

“How do you know you’re only attracted to guys that young? Have you ever tried
things with guys older than that?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, before I met Angela I spent a lot of time in college experimenting
and feeling myself out. I knew I liked young guys like yourself but it’s kind
of frowned upon by most people to engage in these types of behaviors because
let’s face it their stuck up. I tried with guys my own age and it was fun
sometimes but I found when I got into the roleplay type of stuff pretending I
was forcing them some of them thought it was a weird kink and didn’t quite
understand what it does for me and others wouldn’t be into at all so then it
turned real which I did enjoy however I didn’t enjoy being hit or called names.
Whereas guys like you. You know you’re too small to really fight back and make
a difference and that fighting makes it worse. And I enjoy the whimpers and the
crying and begging it really does something for me so this is how I satisfy
that desire you understand?” He asked me.

“Not really,” I answered.

“Well more or less I tried it and didn’t like it so then decided to have a
family but after Rich was like seven or eight I met a couple of guys who were
like me and enjoyed being with adult women but found boys very very attractive
in ways that they couldn’t help. I found the brotherhood and I got involved and
I have to say that while you may not understand it and you may never understand
it, it helps me and I get my needs met and the boys benefit so I don’t see any
problems with it.” Leo said.
“What are you going to do to me?” I asked.

He looked over at me and sighed as the light turned red, “Beautiful I’m not
going to do anything to you your body doesn’t want. We’re going to have fun ok?
I promise I’m not into hitting or biting like Hank I’m not rough which I’m sure
you remember. I just like the pleading and the sweet sounds you make ok baby?
Like in that one video with your Dad and in the car with me that one time, you
remember that I’m sure.”

“I was drunk in that video you know?” I asked.

“Oh yes, I was made well aware of that by your Dad when I made my enquiry the
first time. However, I find alcohol allows us to express things that we
normally don’t allow ourselves to feel That gasps when your Da was going down
on you, the way you moaned in ecstasy and you seemed to just melt told me you
were sweet. That you just want to please him. That if I treat you well you’ll
want to please me too,” He answered.

“What if I don’t want to do this?” I asked him as I felt his hand cup my knee
gently.

“Well as long as you don’t hit or call me names we’ll be fine. If you decide to
become combative I have ways of dealing with it. I hate restraining my
partners. I think it makes things harder but I will if I have to. I’m sure I’m
into things that you haven’t encountered before and that might seem scary but
I’ll work you through it nice and slow when we get to that point ok?” Leo said.

I nodded my head feeling like I couldn’t breathe with his hand on my knee. I
knew my eyes were wide and I was looking out the window but I felt like I
wasn’t really seeing anything. I felt numb and cold knowing that I was going to
his house just so he could make me have sex with him. I knew I had agreed to it
so I didn’t have to have sex with Neal and Sam and Gavin but the fact they had
made me that desperate to leave the hospital didn’t make me feel any better. It
was like deciding whether I wanted to be shot in the foot or shot in the hand
both were horrible and painful but at least if someone shot me in the arm I
could walk. Problem was I couldn’t tell where my foot was in relation to my
hand.

Just then he turned down a street into what looked like a fancy apartment
complex each apartment having a garage as the entrance. As we went down the
street he reached up into his visor and a garage opened which he turned
smoothly into and hit the button again allowing the garage door to close.
***** 21 *****
Chapter Summary
     John is finally out of the hospital but he's not home at. Instead
     he's at Leo's. He talks to Leo and gets to know what his life is
     looking like. He learns something about Leo that he wasn't expecting.
Chapter Notes
     369 to 393, Warnings: Rape/Non-con, forced, anal, forced anal
     fingering, forced cuddling, mental health issues, anxiety,
     psychological manipulation, emotional abuse, sexual abuse. I know
     this chapter feels kind of slow but you can only read about someone
     being raped in detail so many times so I skipped on a lot of it
     because yeah just...the hospital was hard, this is hard but things
     start to get back to a better place soon. Kind of.
“We’re here,” he said.

I felt like I was entering the gates of hell as I opened the car door and
walked up the stairs. He came up behind me and unlocked the door allowing me
inside his condo for the first time. All of the furniture was black in the
living room with a gray shay area rug. Nothing seemed out of place. Almost as
if the condo wasn’t lived in at all. The only exception being a pile of mail on
a table next to the door.

“Take off your shoes please and set them under the table beautiful,” he said
bending down to take off his own shoes. I did as I was asked not exactly sure
what else to do.

“Well this is it.” he said smiling, “Make yourself at home. Is there anything I
can get you? A soda maybe? Do you want to shower in a real shower and not what
feels like a horribly dirty locker room? I have two bathrooms. You could take a
bath if you wanted even.”

“That sounds nice but I don’t have anything to wear that’s clean,” I answered.

“Oh no, you do.” Leo said, “I went out and brought you some PJ pants. That
should be all you need when we’re not entertaining ourselves in the bedroom.”

“Oh,” I said.

“There’s fresh towels in both bathrooms. It’s just up to you which one you want
to use. You’ll sleep in bed with me of course. Friday will usually be date
night after school. If you need anything or want to do anything during the week
you can always let me know and me and your dad will discuss it ok?” Leo said.

I nodded my head not sure how else to respond. I wanted to hiss at him. Tell
him that I would never ask him for anything during the week when I was free.
When his hands wouldn’t be on me and why on earth would I ever want anything
from him? He was my rapist. He wasn’t my boyfriend, he wasn’t someone I wanted
to spend any more time with then was necessary.

Even with that though a real shower did sound nice. A shower with real shampoo
and soap and not one where I had to pump green goo out of the wall to clean
myself with after being raped and then rushed out from under the water. I went
down the hallway to the right and saw the bathroom door open. I stepped inside
the room and shut the door behind me.

I took a nice long shower. Scrubbing myself repeatedly in order to try and get
the imagined grime and dirt off of my skin. Trying to make myself as clean as
possible in order to be able to stand being in my own body. When I got out I
dried myself quickly and wrapped a towel around my waist not sure where he was
keeping these PJ pants he spoke of and when I opened the bathroom door I
noticed the room at the end of the hall had a light on.

“Come on beautiful,” he called from inside the room.

I sighed and followed the voice down the hall into a room that was painted
powder blue on the walls. The room full of light wood furnishings. The bed
seemed huge. A four poster with sheer curtains hanging around it. He was in bed
already naked from what I could tell, his waist covered by the blankets with a
book in his hand.

“I…” I stopped not sure what I was going to tell him as he looked up at me, “I
have a question.”

“What’s your question? Come on get in bed, relax. I’ll turn on the TV if you
want. I’m almost done with my chapter,” Leo said patting the bed beside him.

“What about homework? I mean, when I start school. Won’t that be a problem?” I
asked.

“Oh, your Dad and I already picked your teachers for the coming school year and
they are willing to work with you on that,” he said, “I’m sure your Dad will
tell you more about it. Come on its ok.” He said.

When I didn’t move towards the bed he sighed and stood up coming towards me
causing me to step backward feeling very exposed all of the sudden. I was Still
wearing only a towel around my waist. This was it then. He was going to make me
do things. That’s all I could think my whole being panicking, knowing there was
nothing I could do to stop it. That I had even agreed to it.

“It’s ok to be nervous,” Leo said, “I know we’ve only been together a couple of
times but I’ll go slow. I’ll let you get reacquainted. I’m not into pain
remember?” He asked closing the distance between us his hands going around my
shoulders hugging me making me freeze up.

“Please, I don’t want to,” I begged my breath coming faster.

“It’s ok beautiful. It’s all right. You can say whatever you want to, just no
calling me names and not hitting me or trying to push me away too hard ok?” He
said kissing my ear his kisses starting to trail down my neck as he undid my
towel allowing it to fall to the ground.

“I don’t like this,” I said his hands starting to rub up and down my sides.

“I know. I know, it’s ok though. I’ll be gentle, I promise,” he said as his
hands found my butt rubbing it and I whimpered openly.

“Leo, please don’t,” I begged as he turned us around so my back was to the bed
and he lifted me up lightly carrying me over to the bed and setting me down on
top of it softly before he straddled me.

“It’s ok beautiful. I promise,” he repeated, “God, you’re so lovely.”

I knew I was crying. I knew I didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to feel him
against my skin anymore. I felt like I couldn’t do it. Like I was going to die
inside if I did, if I allowed him to use me. But at the same time, I felt like
I had no choice. Like I was out of options and had to submit.

I shook my head as he kissed down my neck and into my chest laying kisses
there. Him biting lightly at the flesh as he teased my nipples with his fingers
making me gasp. He was still on top of me his weight leaning forward, my arms
by my sides as I tried my best not to push him away. As I tried not to punch
him or scratch at his hands as they traveled over my skin. It was difficult to
obey, to fight the urge to push him away. I wanted to so badly and knew that if
I did it wouldn’t end well. That he was giving me a chance to have some control
and not be restrained and that I should try to take it.

“No,” I said shaking my head as he started licking my nipples and chest his
weigh shifting lightly as he started to move lower, “Please stop.” I said as he
moved his hands gently forcing my legs apart as his weight shifted off of me
and instead rested beside me. I closed my eyes as I tried so carefully to not
moan or whimper or show any other signs that maybe it felt good, that it
tickled and was lighting my skin on fire with that cold ice that their hands
always managed to spread through my body.
“I know. I know baby. I’ll warm you up don’t worry,” he said sliding his tongue
to my belly button and grabbing something besides us. A bottle of lube that
read swiss navy on it. I felt his finger push inside me slowly and start
teasing.

“Ouch,” I hissed lightly as his finger started moving in and out doing the
dance they always did before bigger things made their way inside of me. His
fingers pressing in so they could stretch me out.

“I know that doesn’t hurt baby,” he muttered kissing and nipping at my belly
button. He moved his hips shifting again causing the pressure inside of me to
change somehow. This caused me to breathe faster, my chest starting to heave.

“Stop,” I begged him.

“I know baby, I know,” he responded quietly, “You’re doing so good though,” he
said his finger moving faster in and out of me fucking my asshole with his
fingers.

“Stop,” I begged again as he moved his weight. He shifted himself upward as he
coated himself with lubricate making me feel like I couldn’t breathe at all.

“Here, nice and slow ok baby?” He muttered to me lining himself up as he
started pushing in.

“NO!” I begged shaking my head my hands going to his chest to push him off. He
grabbed me quickly by the wrist forcing my hands back down to my side, “NO
PLEASE. PLEASE!”

“It’s ok beautiful. You’re all right. I’ll go slow. It’ll feel really good I
promise,” he said pushing in a little bit at a time. The changes in pressure in
my pelvis making me uncomfortable as he slowly worked his way up into my anal
cavity. I whimpered and begged him to stop as he finished pushing in, “See?
You’re all right. Just give it a second and it’ll feel really nice. I’ll make
sure I hit your g-spot ok baby?” He said grabbing my one hip tightly forcing my
legs to wrap around his waist as he kept my wrists pinned but moved them so
they were above my head holding them both against the bed in one hand the bones
rubbing together, hurting.

He waited a couple minutes kissing into my collar bone and neck as he allowed
my body to adjust to his intrusion. The first time he didn’t pull out all the
way, pushing back in slow causing my breath to hitch in my throat. Causing my
mouth and eyes to go wide as he stared at me.

“That’s it huh?” He asked me loudly doing it again, this time thrusting back in
deeper. He brushed against that spot. A moan escaping me before I could stop
myself, my face going red as I realized the sound I had made.

“It’s ok baby. I want to hear all your sounds, ok?” He said doing it again as
he leaned forward kissing my chin and jaw bone as I struggled a little bit.

“No, no don’t fight back. Don’t do that baby. I told you not to do that, ok? I
don’t want to hurt you. You can plead and beg and cry but don’t try and fight
me ok beautiful?” He reminded me as he pulled out and then pushed back in this
time hard and fast, “Oh fuck yeah.” He moaned pressing his pelvis as hard into
me as he could.

“Please don’t,” I begged as he kept going.

At home, I wasn’t really allowed to beg or say anything while my Da or uncle
raped me. At home though it was ok sometimes to push back to fight them off. It
was worse this way. Knowing I could tell him to stop and that he didn’t care.
That he would keep going until he got what he wanted from me, got every bit of
satisfaction out of it that he could. That to be had to be worse than pushing
back, fighting to get them off of me but not being allowed to say no. Knowing
that he knew how I felt about it, how much I hated it and didn’t want his hands
on my skin, him inside of me doing that, using me like that and how he didn’t
care. How he wanted me to beg him to stop and it didn’t matter to him that I
wasn’t ok with it.

How it excited him even. That hurt more emotionally than anything else and
that’s another reason I hated him so much. Because every time since that very
first time that’s what it was like. Since the first time I was with him
watching myself in that mirror, crying and begging him to stop and he wouldn’t.
How my Da had even been able to ignore my pleas being in the same room.

As he got closer my ability to form words started to leave me everything coming
out of my mouth a wordless moan or gasps sometimes sounding like a protest
sometimes sounding more like consent as it did different things to my body.
Things that I couldn’t fight. Feelings that I couldn’t keep myself from
feeling.

“Oh god I’m so close baby what about you?” He asked me after a while as I tried
to avoid looking at him another tingle shooting up my spine and through my body
as he thrusted back in his thrusts picking up pace again.
“Ahhh,” Was all I managed in reply.

My body obviously very close to the edge as he looked at me smiling. It made me
feel sick to my stomach. He pushed his sick rhythm consistent until he felt my
body shudder and tighten around him in orgasm and he came inside of me
screaming my name in praise. He told me how I was beautiful, how prefect I was.
After he was done he rolled off of me both of us still gasping. He pulled my
hips backwards so he was spooning up against me his pelvis pressed against my
back as close as he could get it. Me too tired and too upset to try and push
him away, to try and fight him off.

“You did great John, I knew this was a good idea. You’re fucking fantastic
perfect,” he muttered into my shoulder blade my whole body shaking as I tried
desperate to curl myself into a ball small enough he couldn’t hold me.

He pulled the blankets up over us, “We’ll rest for a little bit and then I’ll
go grab a takeout menu for a late dinner ok?” He said planting a small kiss
between my shoulder blades as I hugged my knees to my chest.

“I said I’ll grab the take-out menu for dinner ok?” He repeated signaling that
he wanted me to speak, to say something.

“Yes, ok,” I answered after swallowing the lump in my throat.

“Good you’re amazing at this John. I think you were made for this, just for
me,” he said rubbing my shoulder until I shifted my neck slightly trying to
shrug him off of me, he sighed heavily.

“We’ll have to work on cuddling I guess. Does your Dad not cuddle when you’re
finished?” He asked me causing me to freeze instantly. The last thing I wanted
to talk or think about was being in bed with my Da when I was in bed with Leo.
think about being raped by my own father after I had just been raped by one of
his friends whom he had given permission to, made a deal with allowing him to
do the same thing.

“No, he does,” I barely managed to mutter.

“Good,” he said putting his one arm around me sliding it under my body and
grabbing my hip that was laying into the mattress, “He should. Because not only
does it show how good you did but it’s important for you to realize how much
you mean to him. Just close your eyes and try to rest for a while ok? I know
that was a work out. At least it was for me, was it for you?”

I sighed and nodded my head. I wasn’t going to lie to him. I wasn’t going to
say my body wasn’t exhausted because it was. He obviously could tell he had
made me hit orgasm because he was inside me when it happened. He had felt my
muscles, my whole-body contract as the sensation ripped through me. So, to lie
about the act making me tired didn’t seem like a good idea. That and who knew?
He might just make me do it again until I couldn’t see straight.

Honestly, I was just grateful he hadn’t sucked my dick and rimmed me on top of
it. He very well could have if he had wanted to. I mean he knew I was still
sore from Neal and I knew I was still sore as well but my physical comfort had
never stopped anyone from doing those things before when they really wanted to.
So why should it have matted at that moment? The answer was it didn’t. That he
was doing me a favor and we both knew it.

I sighed a closed my eyes trying to relax trying to allow myself to completely
fall asleep. I did after a while and when I woke up he wasn’t there. His spot
on the bed empty, him no longer against my skin pressing flesh against me. I
sat up and stretched as I heard him enter the bedroom him wearing a red plaid
patterned robe and carrying a pile of take out menus as he sat down on the bed
back in his spot.

“Hi beautiful glad to see you’re awake,” he said grabbing my face menu’s still
in hand and kissing me on the cheek causing me to frown, “Here are menu’s. Read
them and find something that sounds good ok?” He said sitting down on the bed
next to me.

“What if I’m not really hungry,” I asked.

“Find something any way. I’ll order it and you can eat it later when you are
hungry ok?” He said smiling at me as he grabbed the remote for the TV and
turned it on surfing through the channels as I looked at the titles of the
different menus.

“Burger and fries from Pete’s diner?” I asked after reading a couple of the
menu’s one of which was from Long Dong Chinese restaurant owned by Tony the
child porn producer.

“All right, anything else?” He asked me as he picked up the menu and taking a
look at it.

“No,” I answered.

“Why do you speak so little?” He asked me suddenly looking at me intently.

“Does it matter what I have to say?” I asked him.

“No, but I’d like to know what you are thinking regardless,” he answered me as
I sighed heavily running a hand through my hair which caused a look to flash in
his eyes.

That look that said he wanted me squirming underneath him. I felt sick to my
stomach. Not wanting to be in the same room with him anymore let alone sitting
in the same bed. It was hard for me. To sit there and play nice with him, have
conversations with him when there wasn’t that much I could say. He might have
said he wanted to know what I was thinking but he didn’t. I knew he didn’t.

“Ok,” I answered quietly.

“You’re so meek baby,” he said putting a hand on my shoulder causing me to
tense up, “Relax we just went a couple hours ago I need time to recharge.” He
said smiling at his own joke.

“So, it is going to be like this every day?” I asked curious.

“No, just today. You mean the sex?” He asked and I nodded my head, “Well
sometimes it will be more or less it depends on my mood. We’ve discussed the
videos and stuff so you know about that. I like to do different things and as
you know I don’t want you fighting back because I don’t like restraints I don’t
think they are fun nor do they make life easy. I’m sure you can understand
that. However, I am into different things that I’m not sure you’ve experienced
yet that we will probably get into at some point. But for right now, I kind of
just want to get a feel for you. You know, get acquainted with you and your
body. What feels good to you, what doesn’t that sort of thing.” He said holding
the covers open so he could slide his hand underneath them and up my leg making
me jump.

“Could you not do that?” I asked him pulling away lightly.

“You’re not supposed to fight,” He replied.

“I’m sorry I just, I don’t like being touched,” I answered.

“I can understand and respect that. But when you’re in my bed or you’re with me
I’m going to touch you if I want to all right? It’s something you just have to
get yourself used to because I won’t put up with you pulling away every time I
go to kiss you or hug you. If Rich comes over, which he hasn’t been over in
about 2 months but he does go to school with you, just make sure you have pants
on and I won’t be touching you anywhere but in here.” Leo said respecting my
request and pulling his hand away.

“And when he’s not here?” I asked.

“When he’s not here it will depend on different things but while you’re eating
stuff like that I will be respectful ok?” He answered me.

“And you still want me to tell you how I feel and be…verbal?” I asked thinking
of how he kept saying I was allowed to beg and plead and cry say anything I
wanted as long as I didn’t call him names and insult him.

“Yes, I like verbal both in and out of the bedroom. I don’t want to feel like
I’m spending time with a brick wall I’m sure you can understand that,” he said
looking at me as he stood up off the bed, “I’m going to go call in our order
and then I’ll be back. We’ll find something to watch on TV ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

I sat there flipping through the channels and ended up settling on
Entertainment Tonight as I waited for Leo to come back still not sure what else
there was to do and not really wanting to move because he had yet to tell me
where I could find the few clothes I did have in the place if they existed at
all. I didn’t like being naked especially in front of people especially adult
men considering the track record I had with them confusing me for a sex toy so
I chose to stay in bed where I could cover the majority of my skin with a
blanket.

He came back in after a few minutes and climbed back into the bed next to me
his eyes looking at me carefully as I watched TV making me feel nervous knowing
he wanted to touch me. That he wanted to put his hands against my skin to do
things to me that I was terrified of. He started scooting close to me making me
want to pull away but I knew I wasn’t allowed to. I waited my whole-body
tensing, anticipating his next move.

At first he just wrapped his arms around my shoulder and then proceeded to kiss
my ear as his hand slid up my thigh. I whimpered, “God no please, please no,
please don’t I don’t want to please Leo please.”

“Your ok baby we’re just going to fool around. Just touching, ok? Nothing else,
just touching,” He whispered into my ear.

“No, I don’t want to,” I repeated as his hand went somewhere it didn’t belong
and he started jacking me off.

“It’s just cuddling, just touching. I promise we’re just waiting for the food
if it wasn’t for that we’d be doing a little more but I don’t think I’d hear
the buzzer go off if that was the case,” he repeated.

“Please stop,” I begged again my whole body shaking. I was almost crying
because like I said sometimes it hurt worse when there was no pain. When they
went slow and praised you. Told you that you were good. That you made them
happy.

“Why are you so resistant to this?” He asked stopping looking at me closely,
“You know I’m not going to hurt you so why does it upset you so much?”

“I don’t like it,” I answered my eyes going wide as he kept going, his hand
kept rubbing making me hard.

“Why not though? It’s obvious it feels good otherwise your body wouldn’t react
the way it does,” he muttered biting my shoulder lightly.

“I don’t want to,” I begged again, “Please, please Leo not right now.”

“I’m not going to hurt you beautiful. If you weren’t bruised I’d make you feel
so good. I’d taste you inside and out see how many times I can make you cum.”
He said.

“It hurts,” I said as the heat and pressure started building in my body making
it hard to speak.

“No, it doesn’t. Don’t lie, I don’t like lying ok baby?” He said as he kept
going pulling me closer and closer to orgasm. Causing me to mewl.

“That’s it baby, cum for me. Cum nice and hard for me,” he said moving his hand
faster up and down my shaft as my body finally released. I came all over his
hand as he milked the last bit of semen he could out of me before he stopped.
Wiping his hand on a towel hanging from the headboard and handing it to me to
clean myself off.

I felt breathless not able to stop myself from crying. I hated that my body
responded to him like that. That he was able to make me orgasm even though I
was screaming no, telling him to stop and that I didn’t want it. That I didn’t
like any of it and just wanted to be left alone but I was stuck here doing this
whenever he wanted to. That he was forcing me to do whatever he wanted to.

After a few minutes, I was able to calm down as he watched me. To breathe
again. My shaking slowing to a slight tremble. I knew he was still looking at
me. Still watching me watching to see if I was calming down. I knew that he
wanted me to relax. I stared at the TV trying to ignore his eyes on me.

“How old were you?” He asked me suddenly causing my head to snap in his
direction.

“What?” I asked confused, feeling my cheeks flush knowing what he was talking
about even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself.

“The first time someone touched you sexually,” he finished.

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“Come on you have to have an idea,” he said coaxing me to talk more, to discuss
things with him.

“huh, one of my first memories was my uncle babysitting me he made me…do
things,” I answered.

“What type of things?” He asked shifting his weight to look at me adjusting
himself like the thought excited him, made him aroused.

“He made me sit between his knees and he used my mouth to…he made me blow him.
I mean I had small mouth so I’m not sure how well that actually worked for him.
I don’t remember him actually getting off or anything but I know it made my jaw
and mouth sore and it didn’t taste very good after all the sugar was gone just
kind of like this bitter salty taste,” I answered.

“Sugar?” He enquired.

“He put sugar on his penis so I would lick it,” I answered.

“How old were you the first time someone touched you though? Like I mean your
penis or balls, made you feel good,” He asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“I think you do, was it Daddy?” He asked me making my stomach sink. He must
have seen something in my face because his smile grew “It was. Wasn’t it?”

“Do I have to talk about this?” I asked.

“I’d really like if you did. I’m just trying to get to know you,” Leo said,
“Can you tell me about what you do remember?”

“For as long as I can remember he used to climb into bed with me. When I was
little it was just touching. Him rubbing me and touching me down there until he
got up and went to the bathroom. At the time, I didn’t know what he was doing
when he did that but he was getting up to masturbate. I realize that now,” I
answered.

“How did it feel?” he asked me rubbing himself through his pants.

“Uhhh, confusing,” I answered, “I remember thinking that it didn’t feel right.
That it tickled but differently from tickle monster, stronger and that felt
scary to me. That my body hated me because it tickled but hurt all at the same
time.”

“How old were you when he went farther?” He asked me meaning the first time he
had sex with me. The first time he had done something besides touch me.

“I already told you about that,” I answered remembering the conversation we had
on the way to the Doctors before mum had managed to get us away hoping we would
never return.

“Tell me again,” He said shrugging his shoulders.

“I was eight. He gave me ice cream and then he raped me,” I answered simply.

“No baby I want to hear details. Tell me what it was like. Make me feel like I
was there,” he answered me.

“It was my birthday I was eight. He took me downstairs and he told me I was a
man and he was giving me this look like he did at night. He made ice cream
sundaes for us and asked me if I knew anything about sex and so I told him what
I knew that men and women when they got older they fix together like a puzzle.
He then said he was going to show me how two people with the same parts could
fit together and I remember feeling scared. Feeling like something was wrong
and then he shoved his tongue in my mouth and then he threw me down on the
kitchen table and he raped me.” I answered.

“How did you feel?” He asked me.

“I thought he was killing me. It hurt. He kept telling me to calm down that it
would hurt less if I stopped fighting that he wanted me to enjoy it too, that I
felt good and he loved me. He left me bleeding on the kitchen table. He then
carried me to bed and told me he was sorry that next time it would hurt less.”
I told him.
 

“Maybe that’s why you get so resistant? Because he made it scary?” He asked me.
“Or maybe because I really don’t want it,” I answered, “I really don’t like the
way it makes me feel especially as I’ve gotten older. I don’t want people to
touch me like that. Not my Da, not my uncle, not you. No one.”

“No, I think he traumatized you. I think if he would have gone about it
differently that first time you wouldn’t be so opposed to it. That you might
actually allow yourself to enjoy it. Because it’s obvious that your body does
want it. That some part of you wants it but your brain won’t allow you to enjoy
it because he mixed pleasure with pain. He took something that should have
waited until your body was ready, until you were older and willing to accept it
and he forced it on you too soon so now you’re terrified of it, afraid to let
yourself enjoy it,” he analyzed me.

“Or maybe I just don’t want it,” I answered.

“We can try to fix this you know? Make it so your mind doesn’t jump back to
that pain, doesn’t immediately tell you it’s bad. That way maybe you can enjoy
it. Allow your brain to accept that it feels good, stop fighting yourself,” he
said and then the buzzer went off, “Well there’s the food. I’ll be back in just
a minute.”

I sighed. I didn’t know what exactly he thought he was planning but I wasn’t
going to let him brainwash me. I barely had control of my own life. I wasn’t
going to let him take what little control I had away. I didn’t want to ever
admit that it felt good even though he seemed to know it did nor did I ever
want to admit that my brain was the only thing keeping me from accepting it.

He came back after a couple of minutes his arms full of white take out cartons
setting them on the bed in front of me. I sighed still not really hungry.
Having talked about my history taking away any appetite I might have had. I
sighed staring at the cartons he set in front of me.

“Not hungry?” He asked me opening up his own cartoon which had what looked like
chicken fried steak.

“Yeah,” I answered simply.

“Well that’s ok, just leave it there and I’ll put it in the fridge. You can eat
it later all right?” He asked me.

“Yeah, that sounds fine. Are you watching this?” I asked gesturing to the TV.

“Not really,” he answered, “I’m too distracted with you but I made a promise to
be respectful when food was involved and I’m eating and I’m hoping you’ll eat
shortly so…” he said taking a bite of his food.

“Oh,” I said swallowing.

“Don’t be upset,” he said swallowing his food, “I meant it when I said I would
be respectful. I don’t like hurting people ok?”

“No, you just like hearing them begging you to stop,” I answered.

“Just think of it as roleplay kind of,” he said taking another bite of his
food.

“I huh, can I have some clothes?” I asked.

“Oh, shit I forgot. Sorry baby, you should have asked sooner,” he said smiling
wiping his mouth off with a napkin and getting up. He opened the bottom drawer
of the dresser, “This is your drawer. There are some shirts and jeans in here
and what not but most of the time if we’re in the house just sweat pants or PJ
pants are allowed ok? If you wear anything else I will take them away and I’ve
heard that’s something that you’re somewhat used to.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “My Da when…” I swallowed closing my eyes.

“It’s ok. Don’t think about it if it’s going to upset you, all right?” He said
pulling a pair of pants out of the drawer and making sure no tags were on it
before it handed it to me.

I moved my legs to the side of the bed using the sheet to cover me until the
very last second. I didn’t want him to see me naked especially if I was
“distracting” him just sitting next to him. I didn’t want to be naked anymore
though. I didn’t want to give him easy access. Not that a thin pair of sweat
pants would really limit his access it would just take him longer to get what
he wanted.

I stood up and pulled them up the rest of the way and then sighed and sat back
down on the bed opening one of the cartons in front of me. It was my fries and
they were wet and soggy but still warm. I grabbed one and slowly ate it. It
didn’t taste bad like it was a perfectly seasoned soggy fry but other than
being too soggy for my liking it wasn’t terrible.

“Good?” He asked me watching me eat my fries.

“Not too bad actually. If they were crunchy they would be better,” I answered
honestly.

“Well, we can go to the movies tomorrow morning eat at Pete’s Coney if you
like,” he told me.

“I don’t know,” I answered thinking of the last time I went anywhere with
anyone like that. It was with my Da and it had been to introduce me to Leo to
let him rape me.

“It’s ok. It’ll be fun. Whatever you want to see and wherever you want to eat.
We’ll pretend you’re my son once we’re out of the car I swear.” He promised.

“Ok,” I answered, “I’ll think about it.”

“Well how often do you really get to do fun stuff like that? Going to the
movies and what not?” Leo asked me.

“Not often,” I answered, “Last time I went to the movies was with a group of
friends and I took some of my brothers too. I ended up going to the faculty
while my younger siblings saw something else.”

“Oh, a man of rebellion huh? How did you manage a rated R movie you don’t look
anywhere near 17,” Leo said.

“A friend. He got a fake ID. As long as someone was over 21 we were allowed
in,” I answered.

“I see,” Leo answered, “Clever kids. So, you hang out with the bad boys?”

“I wouldn’t say we’re bad. I don’t know. I mean you’ve met some of them,” I
said.

“Yes, Hanks boy, right?” He said and I nodded my head, “He’s very protective of
you if I remember correctly.”

“Huh, yeah he’s a good friend,” I answered.

“So, you guys smoke and drink dive? Into any drugs a little bit?” He asked me,
half joking because Cole, Pat, Dom and I were not old enough to drive yet.

“Huh, I was the drownder of our group. I saw Dom get drunk once at the Villa
but Pat was never really into that sort of thing. Cole was into other stuff
though a little bit Hunter and Kristoff I remember them being into some stuff,”
I answered.

“You know Kris?” He asked me.

“Yeah, a little bit,” I answered.

“Kris was one of my boys for a while, for about a year he was 12 or 13. Like
you are now, he was sweet at least at first but something happened and he just
he turned on me,” Leo commented, “You won’t turn on me will you baby?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“He hardened up, which you already have obviously and he started to get
physical push me away a lot, punch. He punched me on too many times and I
decided I was done with that. Cost me some good money but then I met Dylan so I
guess it was worth it in the end,” Leo answered.

“Oh,” I answered.

“It’s something you don’t like talking about do you?” He asked me.

“Well,” I started to answer thinking about it, “It’s all my life is so it’s all
I talk about but I want something different. I don’t want this to be all that I
am.”

“This isn’t all you are baby, you might feel that way but you’re a young man.
You’re sports and video games, and girlfriends and fart jokes and your
siblings. You’re arcade games and the latest movies, the grooviest music and
the latest sneakers, your skate boarding and hockey playing and basketball you
are whatever you want to be. You just get to learn things from us, other things
that will help you get farther in life. Like how to please whatever partner
you’re with sexually. How to use that beautiful body of yours to get what you
need in life, what you want. Just don’t think that’s all you are,” Leo said his
eyes roving up and down my frame making me cross my arms in front of my naked
chest.

“You’re teaching me?” I asked confused.

“How to use your body to get what you need in life,” He answered, “There are
people, People in high places higher than Mr. Lorde. Who enjoy certain
activities with young men, not all underage but some. If you’re willing to help
them meet those needs and engage in those activities then you can get really
far in life. You can get into the best schools, the best jobs, hell if you want
to get into politics some of them well sponsor your campaigns and endorse you
and they are powerful people. You might not realize it but President Bush
helped some people get into office in government and he in turn helped them out
that’s the way it goes,” Leo said.

“What if I don’t want to know how to do that?” I asked.

“Well, think of it like math. You might not want to know how to do math but
it’s a useful skill. Even now we’re teaching you things you might not realize.
We’re teaching you how to read people, to get an idea of what their motives
might be why they are interested in your wellbeing. What exactly they want from
you, why they care about you,” Leo answered, “Just think of it as a life skill
that you might have to use one day.”

“And this is what you are doing? Teaching boys to use their bodies to their own
advantage?” I asked.

“And girls, we have a sister or brother organization and together we’re known
but another name or acronym stands for Fathers for fathers for child love. Some
of us are into different stuff eugenics, or ideal genes. Like if you stay in
the group you’ll marry a girl that is chosen for you and produce children with
ideal genes and you’ll raise those children within our society to hopefully be
accepting of ideal expressions of love which means teaching them the same thing
your Dad and the rest of us are teaching you,” Leo answered.

I felt sick. I didn’t want to learn this and I didn’t want to use my body,
didn’t want to gain advantage by using my sexuality. I didn’t want to be a
whore. I didn’t want to be the type of person who would do that. Who would have
kids to do those things to. To treat the same way I had been treated.

This was only the first time I had ever heard this, but it wouldn’t be the
last. That marriages needed to be arranged. These marriages were arranged
because the boys who decided to stay within the brotherhood often showed a
preferred attraction to well, younger people like young boys and girls who
didn’t reproduce. So, marriages were arranged in order to keep more members and
fill in the next generation and this is in fact how Cole had actually ended up
being born. If not for that eventually the brotherhood would have died out or
at least that was probably a fear they had. I vowed then I would never have
children.

“You ok? You’ve gone quiet again,” Leo said after noticing I had been sitting
there frozen for a couple of minutes.

“Yeah,” I answered, “I’m ok. I’m just not hungry anymore.”

“Ok, you want me to put the rest in the fridge?” He asked me.

“I can do it, I’m kind of thirsty,” I said standing up and grabbing the cartons
of my food from the bed.

He stood up and grabbed his own walking in front of me to the kitchen. His
kitchen was completely white. That was the first thing I noticed about it,
white marble, white cabinets white appliances everything was white. I remember
thinking how weird it was. Never having been in a kitchen that clean and that
white. I mean I grew up fairly wealthy and had been in plenty of kitchens but
none that white before, that spotless. Almost like he never ate in his condo.

“Water? Soda?” He asked me grabbing my cartons from my hands and opening the
fridge looking over at me.

“Water,” I answered and he grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and
handing it to me.

“You seem nervous, you ok?” He asked me.

I was nervous. I was making nice with one of my rapist. I was just waiting for
him to force himself on me again standing there half naked no underwear, no
shirt just a pair of sweat pants. I felt naked and I was scared because I knew
it was only a matter a time before he made me do something else. He had already
raped me, he had touched me, molested me and I was there for his pleasure. For
him to have sex with. So of course, I was jumpy and scared and acting nervous.
“Huh, yeah just…” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“You’re ok,” Leo said coming towards me making me freeze up his arms going
around my shoulders.

“No,” I said shaking my head as he shoved his tongue in my mouth forcing me to
kiss him his hands sliding down the back of my pants grabbing my ass. I wanted
to push him away. I wanted to get away and knew I wasn’t supposed to push him
away balling my hands into fist as he kissed me up against the kitchen island.

He broke the kiss moving down to my neck pulling my pants down, “No, no no no,
no,” I begged.

“It’s ok baby, we’ll go to the bedroom ok? Make you feel good, all right?” He
coaxed me.

“Please?” I begged, “Not anymore tonight please?”

“But don’t you want to feel good? Why are you so resistant?” He asked me.

“I don’t want to,” I said as he grabbed my hand and lead me back towards the
bedroom and I did my best to keep from pulling away from fighting against him a
little bit of me dying inside with each step back towards that room.

“Is it a control thing? You want to try something different?” He asked me.

“What?” I asked confused.

“No, no it’s nothing painful. It’s just a different position that I really
enjoy. You’ll sit on me in my lap facing me and I’ll be well,” he said smiling
coyly, “And you just bounce up and down and grind on me. It feels really nice
you might like it.”
I shook my head vigorously, “No, I won’t do that.”

“Ok,” he answered nodding his head as he sat on the bed pulling me with him by
the arm gently, “That’s ok another time then all right?”

“Please don’t ma…” I barely managed to get out as he shoved his tongue back
into my mouth making me climb on top of him before rolling over pinning me
underneath him. Scaring me. I wanted him to stop or at least turn me so I was
laying on my stomach so I didn’t have to look into his face again as he raped
me. Not wanting to see him.

Not seeing their faces made it easier to go somewhere else in my head. Having
my face buried into the pillows while I cried while they used me to get what
they wanted. It was always easier if I didn’t have to see their eyes. See how
much they enjoyed it but with Leo I was never that lucky and with my da that
hardly ever happened as well. Whereas with others it didn’t matter they would
take me however they could get me.

He grabbed something in his hand and this he moved his body weight freeing my
legs and he shoved a finger inside me making me gasp as he kept another hand on
the back of my neck kissing me forcing me to kiss back as he started moving his
finger before he shoved another one making my insides jump making me gasp.

“That’s it baby,” he moaned, “God I’m so hard. Are you ready for me?”

I shook my head. I wanted him to stop. I didn’t want him to keep going because
it felt like a total and complete lack of control of anything. Ever. Like I had
no right to control anything, my body, my mind, my life, anything. I wanted him
to leave me alone but found me reminding myself silently that I wasn’t supposed
to really push him away. That I had to let him do it.

“God, I wish your dick wasn’t bruised the orgasms I’d make you have. I’d see
how many times I could make you cum in four hours, I’d keep you going until you
were literally drooling with a constant orgasm baby, you’d love it,” he said
pushing his way inside of me fast and harsh hurting just slightly because he
had barely prepared me.

“OUCH!” I screamed trying hard not to push him away in response to the pain.

“Too fast?” He asked me, “I’m sorry beautiful just give it a minute ok?” He
asked me massaging my thighs and hips and sides careful to not push his weight
forward pushing himself farther inside.

“Stop,” I begged him. As my body adjusted to him again before he started
thrusting hitting that spot.

I remember all of it. How I begged him over and over to stop how he kept egging
me on telling me how good I felt, how I was amazing, how if I wasn’t bruised he
would make me cum over and over in some many ways. Muttering praises into my
neck as he raped me until I climaxed my body seizing around his bringing him to
completion too.

When he was done I was a ball of nerves curling up onto myself trying to
disappear. His hand landing on my back making me jump and shriek out.

“You were great. You were such a good boy,” he muttered patting my hip gently.

“Please don’t touch me!” I managed to hiss.

“Ok,” he sighed standing up, “All right, you want a shower? I’ll start the
water for you.”

“I can do it myself,” I managed to stutter through my tears.

I felt like he was ignoring my pain. The fact that he had hurt me. The fact
that he had violated me. Like it was no big deal and I didn’t matter.

Like my feelings didn’t matter. I felt like I was nothing again after finding
some type of peace some type of acceptance for even a short about of time.
After all of that again felt like I was nothing. When my legs no longer felt
like jelly I stood up and went and showered sitting in the bottom of the tub my
knees pulled to my chest. After a few minutes, he came in to check on me.

“you ok in there?” He asked me pulling back the curtain to peek in at me.

“Yeah,” I whispered nodding my head.

“I know I hurt. I’m sorry. I got too excited it was never my intention to hurt
you,” he said, “Do you forgive me?”

“Yeah,” I answered again.

“Why are you down there sitting on the bottom of the tub?” He asked crouching
down to my level.

“Because mmm-y lllegs still feel like jel-jel-jelly,” I managed to answer.

“And you can’t speak?” He asked me, “I was that good?”

I just nodded my head. Not wanting to admit it out loud. That it had felt good
for the most part. That I had managed to orgasm hard so hard my vision flashed
in my eyes and I saw stars. I didn’t want him to know he was able to do that to
me, that I didn’t have control of my body.

“Good to hear,” he said smiling kissing grabbing my hand and starting to kiss
up my arm making me jerk my arm away lightly.

“Don’t pull away,” he reminded me still kissing up my arm.

“I didn’t mean to,” I answered.

“I know baby. I was just reminding you,” He said giving my arm back to me
patting my shoulder gently. You’re so beautiful,” He looked at me closely
cupping my cheek with his hand making me shiver, “No, no more tonight I
promise. Yeah, I’m going to give him that loan,” He muttered to himself.

“What?” I asked confused.

“There’s going to be a beginning of the school year party at the Villa. I don’t
like people messing with my boys so I have a friend I’m going to loan him money
to sponsor you. I can’t because I’m your contract holder and your dad can’t
because he’s your handler and of course I’m not going let some monster like
your uncle or Hank lay a hand on you so my friend will take care of it,” he
answered me.

“He’s not into anything weird, is he?” I asked scared of meeting a new guy that
was into the brotherhood scared of what they would make me do.

“He likes group activities but he’s not into restraints or anything like that
so it won’t be too bad.”

“NO!” I screamed covering my ears, “No please don’t make me do that anything
but that! Please, please I’m begging you I’ll do anything but that. I can’t do
that, it hurts too much! Please not that!”

“Oh, beautiful calm down, it’s ok just breathe, just breathe beautiful,” he
said leaning close to me making we want to pull away, “Why are so scared of
that?”

“It…I can’t please don’t make me,” I begged again.

“Ok, all right I’ll talk to him, I promise, just tell me tell me why. Please
beautiful I need to know why,” he coaxed.

“The first time, I don’t even know their names. My Da took me to Tony’s and he
just let them, I was supposed to make it look I wanted it and I couldn’t. I
hate it. I don’t want to do it.”

“The first time?” He asked confused.

“The first time he ever let anyone touch me like that, it hurt they broke my
arm and it hurt so bad,” I answered hugging my arms tighter to myself feeling
exposed.

I remember not even realizing how bad that had been hurting. Holding onto that.
That memory of how badly they had hurt. How they had tied me down and forced me
to do those things in front of that camera. How I had only been 12. How they
had forced me to be on top how they had made it hurt so badly. How my Da had
betrayed me allowing Tony to take me there allowing those guys to use me.

He watched me closely a look of understanding crossing his face, “Ok, I won’t
make you do that I promise.” He said hugging me.

I think he meant to comfort me but he honestly just made me feel that much more
uncomfortable in my own skin. He had probably seen the video. I knew it was a
video I wasn’t stupid. I don’t think anyone realized that it was my first time,
my first gang bang or how traumatizing it really had been for me. Being a
little kid only 12 and having someone do that to you makes you doubt everything
about life, about the world about what you thought you knew. And it was in
front of a camera and really my introduction into the life I was living, my
introduction to the brotherhood.

After a couple minutes he pulled away, “You want to wash yourself off now? And
then we’ll get ready for bed?”

“Yeah,” I said swallowing looking up at him as he pulled away and stood up
leaving me there.

I sat there in the water just a little bit longer as it started getting cold. I
felt relieved to be alone. Not have him touching me. And for some reason I felt
this weird numb but it wasn’t numb like I had felt before almost like I had let
a piece of something go. Almost like because I had actually voiced something it
no longer held power over me.

We climbed into bed. He didn’t touch me but allowed me to curl up on my side by
myself. Somehow, I managed to fall asleep. Probably because of the exhaustion
of my confession I caused even though I was nervous about being there with Leo,
scared that he would wake me up by doing things to me that I didn’t want.

When I woke up his hand was on my hip but he was sleeping. I pulled away and he
allowed me to move freely and get up and use the bathroom. That was something
my Da would have never allowed and it made me feel weird. Knowing that I had
some autonym even though I was Leo’s captive, his toy. When I was done in the
bathroom and I came back into the bedroom he was awake sitting up in bed.

“So, did you think about that movie?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I’m ok with going,” I answered as I climbed back into bed next to him.

“Really?” He asked me hugging me from behind making me cringe, “That makes me
very happy.” He said grinding against me.

“Please,” I begged.

“Relax,” he said kissing my neck his pelvis flesh against my back, “Just a
little,” he breathed rubbing his penis between my butt cheeks but not entering
not pushing his way into my body. He rubbed my back and shoulders until he
climaxed all over the base of my spine.

It felt weird and was something that hadn’t been done to me since I was six or
seven. Usually someone forced their way into my body instead. Choosing to hurt
me, to make me engage in the act instead of just using my body to get off in
that less invasive way.

“Come on we’ll go wash off and get dressed all right?” He said kissing my
shoulder again as we both got up.

We showered together and he washed my back but he didn’t do anything to me.
After we were done he allowed me into my drawer full of clothing and I pulled
out the only pair of jeans there was and a simple t-shirt. I felt naked as he
watched me. It seemed like he always wanted to be touch me, my arm or my
shoulder, my neck. Some part of my body. He got dressed and we left the house.

Being in the car with him still made me horribly nervous afraid he was going to
pull over at any minute and make me do things. Make me do things with him
before we got where we were going but he didn’t. We made it to the movie
theatre without him pulling over and doing anything to me. But I still stayed
nervous the whole time. I was so nervous I don’t even know what movie we
actually saw. His hand on my knee the whole time.

When we were done he did take me to Pete’s Coney. I thought this would be a
normal Coney. A normal place but it wasn’t. It was a lot of like Tony’s
restaurant where they pulled us to a back room to sit and there were people
there with children all over. And some of them were very obviously not related.
I don’t remember what I ordered but I know I didn’t eat most of it. I felt
awkward knowing that this was my life. This was my world and I was his, I
belonged to him. Sometimes someone would stop by the table and say hi to Leo
and make comments about me. I tried not to listen, to just zone out and ignore
it.

I remember this one man stopped by and talked to Leo for several minutes him
holding hands with an Asian girl that must have been around Mike and Matt’s
age. Her eyes never left the floor as they talked him rubbing his thumb up and
down her thumb as he held her hand, his fingers entwined with hers. I could
tell by watching her, the way she wouldn’t look at anything even at me that she
was his. That she was his like I was Leo’s that we were both aware of it.

We got back to his apartment and he…well it’s obvious what my life is I don’t
think I need to describe to you how he kept me in bed from that point on. How I
begged him and pleaded with him and he still did what he wanted to. When I woke
up hours later he was curled around me. But it didn’t hurt I felt the nervous
fluttering in my chest that told me I was anxious, scared but I felt like I
could breathe and I pulled away.

He didn’t move when I moved and so I got up and pulled my pants back on going
out into the living room to just sit. I didn’t know what else I was supposed to
do at that point. I sat on the couch and just kind of chilled. After a couple
hours, I heard a key in front door and I was about to start flipping out
wondering who the hell it was when believe it or not Dick walked in.

“One of the fire twins?” He asked me.

“Dick?” I looked at him questioningly.

“I need my lanyard,” He said, “So I was right about at least one of you?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, let’s just say my Dad doesn’t entertain just any boys so why else would
you be here unless you were his new plaything?” Dick scoffed looking at me.

“That’s why you had no problem teasing Dom? Because you’re in the brotherhood?
You have to be shitting me,” I said shaking my head.

“Hey, my dad doesn’t fuck me anymore,” Dick said shrugging his shoulders, “You
never chose to ask me if he did. Dom just made it obvious. You I’m slightly
surprised though. I never pegged you as a daddy fucker. Maybe a bad uncle but
not a daddy fucker.”

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head, “Explains why you’re such an asshole.”

“You thought I was an asshole before? Wait until Monday,” Dick said smiling.

“What do you mean?” I asked, “And don’t say you’re going to tell everyone
because I know how this works. He’s done things to you at least once and me
being here is proof of that so keep your mouth shut.”

“You think anyone would believe you?” He asked me.

“Would they believe you?” I shot back.

“Well, this was fun I’m going to go to my room and grab what I need and then
I’m out of here. Have fun getting it up the ass,” Dick taunted before going
down the hallway and going into one of the bedrooms that always had the door
closed.

I felt sick to my stomach. So, his son Rich was Dick. Dick and biggest Dick I
knew that constantly teased Dom about the situation he was stuck in that
purposefully called him Dominic because it bothered him and he knew it. That
made it very clear he held real contempt for us.

I heard the door open and figured it was going to be Dick leaving but instead
it was Leo putting a robe on as he came out of his bedroom, “Did I just hear
you talking to someone?” He asked me.

“Your son is here,” I answered.

“Oh,” he said nodding his head, “You know Rich?”

“I call him Dick but yeah I know him,” I answered.

“He hates being called Dick,” he told me.

“Yeah well Dom hates being taunted about his personal life too so…forgive me if
I’m not very accommodating,” I answered.

“Hey, no snark,” Leo warned me, “You might be a teenager but that doesn’t mean
you’re allowed to be a shit ok?”

“Sorry,” I replied. I knew he wouldn’t hit me but he was right that didn’t mean
he was spending time with me to hear me insult his son. I was still floored
that his son was Dick to be completely honest. I had thought the guy was just a
jackass not a part of this.

“Got it,” Dick said coming out of his room and seeing his Dad, “Hi Dad, having
fun with your new toy?”

“Rich be nice,” Leo warned him.

“Yeah, right,” he answered shaking his head, “He tell you about his boyfriend
Dad?”

Leo turned to look at me, “Boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m straight,” I answered looking at Leo.

“Yeah, you’re as straight as a swirly straw,” Dick commented.

“No, really I’m … geeze,” I said just shaking my head and pinching the bridge
of my nose.

“So, you’re not straight then?” Dick asked me smiling amused.

“No. I am I just don’t see the point in arguing with an idiot,” I answered.

“Ok that’s enough,” Leo said and we both stopped, “He says he’s straight
besides me, this us, our arrangement, he’s straight take it for what it is.
Rich don’t act like you’re the straightest person in the room because I know
you fuck around. If you can’t be nice go back to your moms all right? He’s here
every weekend you will treat him like he belongs here when he is here you
understand?”

“Yes Dad,” Dick answered.

“I expect you both to treat each other nicely when you see each other in
public. I don’t want to hear about anyone starting anything. Rich keep any
comments you have to yourself when somewhere people can over hear and I don’t
want to hear any of them either got it? And John don’t call him Dick he doesn’t
like being called Dick and don’t mention me but when you are together be civil
got it?” Leo asked me.

“Yes,” I answered simply.

“Good now say goodbye Rich,” Leo said walking up to Rich and giving him a hug
that made Rich cringe but he returned it.

“Ok, I’ll see you later Dad, John,” Dick said giving me a curt head nod as he
opened the apartment door and left.

“I didn’t realize you two knew each other that well,” Leo said raising his
eyebrows at me sitting down on the couch next to me.

“We ride the bus together,” I answered.

“Oh,” he said, “that makes sense I guess considering this is his last year of
school and you’re only going to be a Freshmen in high school. So, do I need to
have the dating talk with you?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t have a boyfriend and I know we’re not
allowed to date anyway so no girlfriend either. I had a girlfriend back in
Montana but that’s like the only person I’ve really dated.”

“So, you know dating another boy in the brotherhood is a huge no?” He asked me.

“Yes, I know,” I answered, “I’m friends with Cole Gables I know what happens.”

“Good as long as you’re very aware,” Leo said, “Why does he think you have a
boyfriend?”

“Dom, we’re well. I’m protective of him. He’s very quiet very I don’t know,” I
answered.

“You mean like you?” He asked me.

I thought about it for a minute. Everyone insisted that Dom and I were very
similar in personality and that’s why we were so close. Other than Pat, Dom had
to probably be my best friend. We talked about things when we felt like talking
when we didn’t we could sit in a room in comfortable silence and didn’t run
into any problems at all. It was easy to get along with him, to understand him.

“Yeah, that’s what everyone says,” I answered.

“Well, I have to pull teeth to get you speak most of the time so I’m assuming
you hang out with people like you. Even though Cole Gables and Pat Kingly,
those two are very different from you,” Leo commented.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “They are. I don’t know they make me feel,
adventures. Happy.”

“What do you guys do together?” He asked me, “Besides convince older guys to
sneak you into rated R movies.”

“Well, we listen to music and what not,” I answered, “We go to the beach and
swim. When Cole and Pat come over to my house we play video games with my
little brothers and just kind of hang out. I don’t know just like regular stuff
I guess.”

“And you told me you felt like this was all you were,” Leo said shaking his
head smiling, “See I told you you’re whatever you want to be.”

“I guess,” I answered.

“You guys get into trouble?” He asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked confused.

“Just like I said before drugs that sort of thing,” he answered, “Hitting on
the girls all of that.”

“Cole? Cole’s into other things,” I answered.

“Cole is gay?” He asked me, “Interesting. I mean I knew about him and Justin
but I thought that was more a phase type of thing.”

“Oh no, he’s really that way,” I answered, “I mean he doesn’t run around
hitting on people or anything but he’s gay. He’s fun though and he’s all about
music. Kind of reminds me of my little brother a little bit. I mean James is
more about classical music he’s only seven but the passion James has it’s the
same thing I see in Cole when he hears a song on the radio he really likes. His
eyes light up in this weird way that’s hard to explain. Like he’s not hearing
the music, but he’s feeling it. It’s really weird.”

“You’re observant?” He asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulder.

“No. Tell me more, tell me other stuff about your friends,” he encouraged
sitting down on the recliner to my right.

“Well, then there’s Pat and Pat is very brooding. He’s adventurous and outgoing
but you can see it in his face there’s always something there like he’s
thinking deep thoughts he’s not saying. Like there’s a darkness that he tries
so hard to hide. And Cole he’s just hurt. He’s hurt so badly deep down inside
there isn’t anything that will ever fill that hole, that void. He tries
everything to fill it and nothing ever works but when he dances, or listens to
music that’s the closest he ever gets to feeling whole and you can tell. And
Dom he’s I don’t know.” I answered.

He stared at me while I talked his eyes watching me closely watching my lips
move. As I stopped talking he sighed leaning back for a minute, “God you’re so
beautiful.” He muttered.

“I need to use the bathroom,” I said trying to get up as he grabbed my arm
keeping me there. I felt like I was going to cry. I knew what he wanted. I had
seen it in his face as he was watching my lips move. He wanted to kiss me to do
those things to me and I didn’t want him to.

“No beautiful come here, be good for me,” he said pulling me back down so I was
sitting in his lap. He stared kissing the back of my neck petting me through
the shirt I was still wearing rubbing the outside of my thighs through my
Jeans.

“Leo,” I started begging him to stop.

“No, no be good,” he said again starting to pull my shirt up over my head
kissing my spine, “Let’s go the bedroom huh?” He said moving so I would get up
off of him and taking my hand.

I let him lead me to the bedroom and he had me sit down on the bed again
without a shirt on. He pushed me down and started making out with me I felt
like I had a boulder sitting on my chest. His hands went to my pants as he
started kissing down my center, towards my belly button. I pushed him away
lightly not hard enough to make him mad but apparently hard enough to make him
notice so he stopped.

“It’s ok baby. I’m just checking if you’re not healed enough I won’t do it ok?”
He breathed against my skin undoing my pants and starting to slide them down my
legs down past my thighs, “It doesn’t look bad,” he said touching it making me
jump, “This I can try it?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t want to. Leo please please do---,”

All I could do was lay there as he did it. As he played with me and made me
feel those things I didn’t want to feel. By the time he was done I couldn’t
even cry, every movement he made sending an electric shock up my spine until I
wasn’t able to do anything but seize when he made me orgasm.

“God, you taste so sweet,” he said when he was finished wiping his mouth with
the back of his hand before he started kissing his way up my body my whole
lower half covered in his spit after what he had been doing for an hour and a
half and he then pushed his way inside me with a little bit of lube and raped
me. When he was done my whole body was vibrating in a way that made me feel
like I was going to throw up and I told him that. That I felt sick and so he
smacked me on the ass and got up leaving me there to lay in our mess.

I waited for my body to stop hurting, stop feeling those aftershocks running
around under my skin. When I felt like I was able to stand I made my way to the
bathroom and used it climbing into the shower just trying to breathe. I knew
that’s why I was there. That I was there for that reason for him to have sex
with, to use but it still hurt. He had been being so nice it had almost made me
forget why I was there.

When I climbed out of the shower he had changed the bed sheets and was back in
bed, “Feeling any better beautiful?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

“Good,” Leo said patting the bed next to him, “Did I go a little too hard, make
you cum a little too much? Over stimulation can feel not so great if I did that
I’m sorry.”

“Why do you …?” I didn’t know how to ask the question.

“Come here,” he said patting the bed beside him again as I sighed and did as I
was told.

“I won’t do anything else tonight I think I pushed a little too hard,” Leo said
to me.

I nodded my head I wasn’t sure what to say. I wanted to know why. How he could
enjoy this, enjoy hearing me scream like that and be ok with hurting me if he
supposedly thought I was so beautiful and attractive. I didn’t understand how
just like my Da he could claim to love me and hurt me so badly and know that he
was doing it. How he could be anywhere near ok with that.

“Come cuddle with me,” he said pulling me into his side wrapping his arm around
me, “We’ll watch some TV ok? No inappropriate touching. Nothing bad I promise.”

“I don’t like cuddling,” I said but didn’t pull away.

“Why not?” Leo asked me.

“Because it never ends with anything good,” I answered, “Not from Da, not from
Uncle Ben and certainly not from you.”

“Oh, Honesty huh?” Leo said looking over at me smirking, “I can make it
unpleasant if you would prefer. That’s on you though. Right now I’m feeling
more relaxed then frisky but that could change rather quickly as I’m sure
you’ve noticed.”

“So how is tomorrow going to be?” I asked.

“Well, I have church clothes for you, we’ll go to church you me and we’ll
probably meet Rich there and then I’ll take you home with me. I’m sure Rich
will drive his own car back to his moms. We’ll spend some alone time together,
I’ll make you breathless and squirmy maybe even more than once and then Monday
morning I’ll drop you off at school all right?” Leo said.

“What happens after that?” I asked.

“You go home for the week, you do your homework, you be good and I’ll see you
again on Friday when I pick you up from school. We’ll go to the Villa probably
Saturday morning stay there until later Sunday and then again I’ll drop you off
at school Monday and see you again on Friday when I pick you up,” He answered.

“And I’m supposed to just have …,” I didn’t want to say the words.

“Have sex with me when I want you to? Yes, essentially that’s the arrangement.
It’s won’t be all day long it might not even be everyday every weekend but,
Like I said before no fighting back, no pushing me away, no name calling and
you’ll be fine. How is that going for you by the way? The being able to beg and
plead without being punched or hit?”

“I don’t know,” I answered still not looking at him. His arm still around my
shoulder.

“Ok well just watch how many of those words you drop next weekend because
usually people tend to frown on that at parties. Good way to get yourself in
trouble all right beautiful and I wouldn’t want you in trouble,” he said
kissing my cheek before he let me go, “Let’s get some sleep so we can be up
bright and early for Church.”
***** Chapter 22 *****
Chapter Summary
     John learns how school is going to be. Reuniting with Pat and the
     guys all besides Dom who is still in the hospital. He decides Leo is
     unperdictiable and learns more about Leo's habits and hobbies.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 394 to 419. It ends in a weird spot because he's in the middle
     of the school day but editing takes forever. Warnings: Rape/Non-con,
     forced Oral, Forced Anal, Forced anal fingering, light bondage, toys,
     sounding. Consensual underage kissing, making out. Swearing.
I rolled over and managed to get some actual sleep. Leo woke me up around 6:45
and we both got dressed quickly and headed to campus to go to Sunday mass which
now that I was in high school would be a requirement. Once I got there I saw
Will and my brothers whose eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning and I ran
to them, the little ones huddling around me and hugging me tightly as I laughed
the first time in a while.

“Where have you been?!” James asked me hugging my waist tightly.

“I was sick,” I answered, “But I’m better now. I promise.”

“You won’t ever leave like that again?” He asked me.

“I swear,” I answered.

“Good because it’s so hard without you. And mum I miss mummy,” he told me.

“I know bud. I miss her too,” I answered, “Go take your seat ok? Where is Catty
and the wee ones?”

“In the pew with Alice,” he said pointing to the crowd and sure enough there
was Alice on one of her days off sitting bouncing a tiny tot in her lap with
red braided pigtails on each side of her head.

“Ok, go take your seat, you two as well,” I said reaching down and kissing each
of my little brothers on the crowns of their heads as I pulled Will over by the
arm, “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” he said his eyes cold almost vacant like he was just existing but
not alive for the moment, “Are you?”

“Huh, I got out of the hospital Friday,” I answered.

“And where have you been then?” He asked me.

“With…someone,” I answered turning around scanning the crowd behind me looking
for him. Knowing he was there. I saw him standing there talking to some guy
with blond hair almost so blond it was white who was standing next to another
guy with Tan skin and brown hair. I didn’t know who they were but the three of
them seemed to be well acquainted.

“Who is someone?” Will asked looking in the direction I have turned to scan
looking for a face he might know, looking for a clue.

“I…I’ll be home tomorrow after a school,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I
can tell you about it then. Will, I’m so so sorry that I made you…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t see it coming,” Will said looking at me that spark behind
his eyes finally showing, “I’m sorry I didn’t understand exactly what he’s
like. I do now though. I get it. Don’t make yourself do it alone anymore though
ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I think I have to go sit with him, because I’m
not supposed to come home until Monday. It only makes sense that I would sit
either with some classmates or…”

“Can you at least tell me who you are with?” Will asked me.

“His name is Leo,” I answered still hating the name. Still hating the fact it
left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Wait, isn’t that that one guy?” Will asked me and I nodded my head quickly,
“Oh shit! Are you ok?”

“I’m alive,” I answered, “He was also my doctor at the hospital. I don’t know
it’s…” I shook my head.

“But you’re coming home tomorrow after school? Why not tonight?” He asked me.

“It’s complicated,” I answered, “But yeah. Tomorrow after school ok?”

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head.

“Yeah, I’m going to go sit before mass starts you should too,” I said, “I’ll
tell you more about it after school tomorrow ok? I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too,” Will said before going to go sit down with the rest of
our family.

I found Pat and Cole and sat down in the pew next to them. They both looked at
me as I timidly waved hi. I didn’t see Dom but figured he was probably still in
the hospital. I didn’t really have time to speak to them before mass started. I
don’t remember what mass was about but, honestly it could have been about the
importance of clean underwear that week and I still wouldn’t have remembered.
Usually it was something about homosexuality or how listening to our elders and
respecting our families was important. How lying was wrong. You know, the usual
stuff that is covered in the bible.

After mass was over and everyone had received the blood and body of Christ we
were allowed to mingle. It didn’t seem like Leo was going to stop me so I
walked over to Pat and Cole looking at them closely before Pat spoke.

“I called you yesterday. Dom said you went somewhere,” he said.

“Yeah. I got out,” I answered.

“But you didn’t go home.” Pat said. Making it more a comment or observation
then a question of my whereabouts.

“Yeah. No, if I had gone home I would have called,” I answered, “You know I
would have called.”

“Yeah, I know. Are you ok?” He asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders for some reason the question sounding more sincere
coming from him than anyone else. I wanted to tell him no but I didn’t want
everyone else to know that I really wasn’t ok. That I hated it just as much as
I hated my Da. That I knew I was Leo’s toy and there was nothing I could do but
take it. I wanted him to hug me but I knew he couldn’t, that he shouldn’t.

“Does Dom know when he’s getting out yet?” I asked looking for a change in
topic.

“He said Monday or Tuesday. So, are you going home now?” He asked me. Not
asking where I had been but wondering if I would be home.

“Monday after school,” I answered not wanting to think about it. How I would
end up spending the rest of the afternoon probably in his bed with Leo. Naked
having him touch me just to stop for a while to watch tv and then start again.

“Where are you staying can I call you? Or you call me?” He asked me.

“Somewhere,” I said not wanting to talk about it, “I’ll tell you Monday when I
get to school. I just kind of… I’m trying to pep talk myself into just
accepting it.”

Pat’s eyes flashed with concern, “Hey, come on,” he said grabbing my arm in one
hand and Cole’s in the other and dragging us outside through the side door.
Once we were outside and the door closed behind us he sighed looking at me.

“Where are you staying? Tell me. Please Rabbit?” Pat coaxed.

“Man,” Cole said looking at me, “Whatever it is. It’s ok all right?”

I shook my head, “It’s very not ok and I’d rather not…”

“What? Talk about it?” Cole asked me, “Isn’t that how you ended up in the
hospital in the first place? By not talking about things?”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“I talk with Will. We both do,” Cole said putting a hand on my shoulder,
“Listen man we had no idea it was that bad. You make it seem like things aren’t
as bad as they are. Three times a day? You didn’t tell us that was what was
going on. If you had we would have tried to come over more often because if we
were there you weren’t…”

“It wouldn’t have mattered. He didn’t want you guys there,” I said, “The only
reason I’m out is because I said I would ok? I made this choice; I shouldn’t
complain about it.”

“Hey!” Pat said loudly, “Talking about it isn’t complaining, venting isn’t
complaining. Keeping it inside is going to send you right back to the hospital
and then it’ll be whatever this is again. Talk to us. Please?”

“I can’t,” I answered, “I…I did this. I did this to myself.”

“No, you didn’t,” Cole said causing me to shake my head.

“Look at me,” Pat said grabbing my chin gently and tilting my head up so my
eyes met his gaze, “Look at me Rabbit. You didn’t do this ok? They did, just
tell me who it is. The more afraid you are to say it the worse it’s going to be
ok?”

I started crying, “I don’t want to tell you. Because I don’t want you to be
upset. I don’t want you to know how stupid I am.”

“Hey, I could never think you are stupid. I love you. I love you so much. They
aren’t giving you choices here you may think they are but they aren’t. Tell me
who it is. Please? Maybe I can do something to…”

“No. You can’t,” I said shaking my head, “You can’t. It’s like you and Gus you
can’t do anything to stop it.”

“Wait you’re saying you’re contracted?” Cole asked me his eyes going wide with
fear, “You need to tell us who. You need to tell us now. Please John, don’t
keep this a secret. I’ll ask Will and Will will tell me if I ask him to but,
I’d rather know from you.”

“You guys remember the Coney after the beach?” I asked them.

“Him? No, your Dad didn’t do that to you. Are you fucking kidding me?” Cole
asked his eyes turning angry.

“Wait isn’t the guy that…he…oh no,” Pat said throwing his arms around me, “Oh
my god Rabbit. Can you tell me anything?”

I shook my head swallowing. What was I supposed to say that he was gentle? That
he made me cuddle with him? That he tried to make sure it felt good and I hated
it? That he knew I didn’t want to and he loved the fact that I begged him to
stop? Just like in the SUV, just like that first time at Tony’s. That every
time was like that first time. That it was like reliving the same horrible
moment over and over and that he had asked me if I wanted to change things up?
If I wanted to be on top. That he was nice one second and then the next he was
inside of me making me beg him to just leave me alone.

“Please Rabbit, anything?” Pat begged me holding me to his chest, his hand
brushing gently through my hair as Cole rubbed my shoulder in support.

“I don’t want him to anymore,” I said.

“I know. We know,” Pat whispered to me softly.

“He’s …he’s like Da,” I said, “He…” I shook my head trying to fight back my
tears.

“Ok,” Pat said trying to calm me down, “Ok.”

“I have to go back to him,” I said.

“I know you do. I’m sorry that I can’t make this better,” Pat told me.

“I don’t want to,” I said, “I don’t want to and he…”

“Shhh, it’s ok. I know you don’t…it’s ok Rabbit,” Pat told me, “God I’m so
sorry.”

“He likes it when I beg him,” I barely whispered. Trying it out again, trying
to see if letting a little bit go would make me feel better, “When I plead with
him to stop.”

“That can’t make you feel very good,” Cole said, “Having him not listen to
you.”

“No,” I said shaking my head into Pat’s chest hugging him even tighter.

“I’ll always listen to you,” Pat told me, “About everything. Always, I swear to
you. Anything you ever have to tell me, anything you ever want from me. I’ll
always listen to you and pay attention and respect you ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head allowing myself to relax into him, into his touch.

His touch that was so warm and comforting. A touch that was wanted and
soothing, a touch I could spend my whole life living in. He felt safe and he
smelled like chocolate covered pretzels and smoke. That smell always made me
calm down. That mix of smells. Hearing his heart beat lightly through his
clothes, his skin. He made me feel like after it was over he would be there.
After I saw Leo, had to deal with him Pat would be there to comfort me. To tell
me I was ok, that I mattered. That I was loved and wanted and respected.

“I have to go,” I said lifting my head up off of his chest, “I’ll see you
Monday morning?” I asked him.

“Yes, Monday,” he said, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I answered back as Cole opened the door and we all walked
back inside.

“Take care of yourself ok?” Cole said to me and nodded my head in response and
walked back over to Leo who stared at me closely.

“Where did you go?” He asked me, causing me to tense.

“Outside with my friends,” I answered.

“Ah ok,” he answered coolly, “This is Mr. and Mr. Morrow Dom’s parents.” He
said introducing me to the two guys he was standing with.

“Hello,” I said politely knowing this wasn’t good. That I shouldn’t be meeting
these guys because of who they were. What Dom had said about them, at least one
of them hadn’t been good.

“Nice to meet you Johnathan. Leo was telling us all about you,” One of them
said and I instinctively pulled away slightly. I didn’t like the look on his
face, in his eyes.

“I’m Tanner,” the one with the light blond hair said. I felt like he wanted to
ask me something or say something that he shouldn’t, “You know our son Dom?”

“Yeah,” I answered quietly.

“You’re right Leo he is shy,” The other one said, “Is he well behaved?”

“Yes, he’s very well behaved,” Leo said putting his hand on the back of my neck
making sure I didn’t go anywhere.

I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. This was bad. This was really
really bad.

“Leo can we go?” I asked.

“Not yet. We’re discussing a couple of things,” Leo answered.

“So, will we see you at the gathering?” Tanner asked looking at me.

“Yes, we’ll be there,” Leo answered, “I think Dobbs is going to Sponsor him. He
seems interested.”

“I’m interested,” Tanner said looking at me.

“I think you’re making him nervous Tanner,” The other guy said smacking him on
the shoulder.

“Lou, he’s so shy I’m sure just about everything makes him nervous. I mean look
at him, he’s too sweet,” Tanner said to the other guy.

“You start training him for sounding yet?” Tanner asked confusing me because at
the time I had no idea what that was.

“No, not yet. We’re still getting to know each other. I figured I’d give it
some time,” Leo answered him.

“Well when you do let us know,” Lou said smiling at me the smiling not
traveling to his eyes, “That’s always fun to do.”

“Oh yeah. Dom practically becomes a drooling mess when we sound him,” Tanner
said.

Whatever sounding was it didn’t sound like something I would like. It scared
the shit out of me. Not only because I didn’t know what it was but, also
because of the way the act seemed to excite them. Just talking about it made
their body language change, all three of them.

“Oh, I will. Don’t worry. Come on John, let’s go home. All right?” He said and
something in his eyes told me that whatever he was thinking wasn’t going to
wait until we got back to his house.

I swallowed and nodded my head. Knowing what I was walking towards. When I saw
the SUV that we had driven here in I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I knew it
was bad when he opened the back door and pulled the seats down.

“Come on, let’s go. We’ll go for a drive,” he said smiling at me.

“You’re not going to…” he cut me off.

“Come on. It’s ok, it’s nothing you haven’t done before,” he said to me opening
up the passenger side door and gesturing at me to get into the car.

I remember getting in, feeling numb. He drove me around for a while and then he
pulled over on a dirt road that looked like it was hardly used. A little two
track that had weeds growing out of control on either side. He drove until the
road ran out and we were near a dock of some kind and then turned off the
engine.

“You look scared,” Leo said looking closely at me.

“I don’t want to do this here,” I answered feeling like I wanted to climb out
of my skin.

“It’s ok. Don’t you remember how exciting it was last time? Knowing we could
get caught? How we almost did? What a rush that was?” He asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“Come on. Climb over the seat. It’ll be fun, I promise,” he said nodding his
head towards the back.

I sighed and climbed over the center console into the back seat as he got out
of the car and walked around to the back door using that way to climb in. Once
he was in he didn’t even shut the door before he started kissing me. Being
rough, his hands grabbing at me forcefully forcing me to lay back, lay down so
he could climb on top of me. I screamed.

“NO! PLEASE NO!” I yelled loudly. Struggling, fighting him until he smacked me
across the face.

“I said I don’t like pushing or fighting ok? I wasn’t lying. That was a
warning. You keep trying to fight and I will make sure you understand what pain
is. You got it?” He hissed at me.

“Please? I really don’t want to not here Leo please,” I begged him. I didn’t
want to have sex in his car again. I had no room to breathe like that. I didn’t
want to be trapped and exposed. I didn’t want to risk someone walking up and
seeing me like that. How disgusting I was. How I let them do that type of stuff
to me.

“Come on,” he said smiling, “It’s not a big deal. It’s not like anyone is going
to just walk up. We’ll hear their car pull up out here. I promise.”

“Leo please? I don’t want anyone to see,” I said as I started crying. I really
didn’t want anyone to see. Anyone to know.

“That’s a part of the fun baby,” he said starting to unbutton my dress shirt
that I had worn to look right for church. To take the blood and body of Christ
into me to wash me of my sins that I had committed the week before. I closed my
eyes so I didn’t have to see him. See us. I was shivering as he... as he pulled
my shirt off my arms and he undid my belt. As he undid my pants pulling them
off before he did his own. He left me naked while he kept his shirt on.

He touched me everywhere, grabbing hard, pinching, squeezing, scratching. He
raped me face to face first. Making me look at him while he…got off inside of
me. Then he turned me around and he rimmed me. I don’t know how long he did
that for but after a while he added his fingers. Bumping against my prostate
making me grasps because I could no longer scream. Because I had screamed
myself horse.

“God, I love you,” he said rolling me back over so I was facing him again. Me
squeezing my eyes shut waiting for him to penetrate me again, force his way
into me again. He grabbed my mouth and squeezed causing me pain, “open your
eyes.”

I sighed trying to keep my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want
to look at him, to have to watch this. I didn’t want to remember him inside me,
on my skin.

“Open your eyes now,” he said squeezing me harder to the point where I cried
out and then opened my eyes, “There you go beautiful. That’s it,” he said
pushing inside of me.

“You have that deer in the headlights look in your eyes. God you’re so amazing.
You feel good inside. You know that?” He asked me thrusting hard making me
gasps, “Yeah?”

“No,” I said shaking my head frantically. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him
to be able to do this.

“You do. You feel so good inside, warm and tight, just beyond prefect,” he
breathed pressing his forehead against mine making me want to back away
immediately. That was something Pat did to comfort me. To make me feel better
and he was doing it to hurt me.

“NO, NO, STOP,” I pushed at him. Pushing his head away from mine. He his hands
immediately went to my neck and started squeezing.

“I told you not to fight,” he hissed, “you want to play rough? I’ll play very
rough you understand?” He asked me before he slammed into me hard making me
yelp in pain, “Yeah that’s right scream for me baby…”

“STOP! Please! I don’t want to! I don’t want to! Please! I’m sorry, Please,” I
begged.

“I could choke you right now if I wanted. Make you pass out? Then what would
you do? Would you still cum for me? I bet you would. I bet you’d cum just as
hard,” he muttered into my face.

That pressure started to build. Even though he had a hold of my neck making
sure I didn’t push him away anymore, didn’t fight back. Every thrust felt
painful in a way I can’t explain. Knowing he had complete control over me.
Complete control over my body.

His every movement making me aware that I had no control over anything. When he
finished my chest was heaving. I couldn’t catch my breath as he kissed down my
body to my stomach and he blew me. I couldn’t even cry by then. Him holding
onto my hips hard to keep me from wiggling away, from trying to stop it.

I came again and again and again. I thought it was done after that. Him moving
back up towards my face. Him kissing me, forcing his tongue in my mouth even
though my face was covered in tears. I wanted him to be done. I wanted my body
back.
“Your eyes are such a bright green when you cry,” he said looking down between
us shifting his weight, “Beg me?”

“Please,” I begged knowing he was about to rape me again, “Please stop! I want
to! Stop! Please Leo, please no! Please!”

“But you feel so good and I’m hard again. Don’t you want me to feel good too?
We’ll come together ok?” He said kissing me as he started to slide back in.
“No,” I moaned, “No.”

“Yeah baby. Come on,” he said starting to thrust again making me scream out,
“Come on baby. That’s it beautiful. Oh god, yeah that’s it,” he said as I
struggled my movement pulling him closer as I bucked my hips to fight him. Only
moving us both closer to orgasm, “That’s it, yeah. God yes.”

“N….” I started begging, losing my voice as I started to climax his coaxing
turning into this weird howling moan as my body started twitching as he came
inside me again for the 3rd time.

“Good boy, Good boy,” Leo cooed into my ear petting my hair, “That’s a good
boy. Sorry, I know I was a little …overzealous. I just got excited all that
talk of the amazing things we’re going to do together you know?”

I still couldn’t speak. I felt sick. My body so tired having climaxed four or
five times. I remember just trying to catch my breath. I wanted him to be done
but instead he pulled me to him and held me there. I sat there frozen waiting
for him to let me go. To tell me I could put my clothes back on. Something,
anything.

I was shaking when he finally let me go. Stopping and grabbing his pants from
the trunk of the car putting them back on and doing them up, “You ready to go
home beautiful?” He asked me cupping my cheek making me look at his face again,
“yeah? Ok, I’ll help you get your clothes back on and then we’ll head home, all
right?”

I just nodded my head. I didn’t know what to do and by now I knew his game. I
knew that he was dangerous. Maybe even more so than my Da. At least my Da was
consistently cruel but Leo, Leo was different. Leo liked to switch it up. He
could be almost down right nice sometimes. Like my Da had been when I was
younger, when I was a kid. Nice enough to get me to talk to him, to almost let
my guard down and then he’d change. He’d start kissing me, touching me and I’d
beg him to stop and he wouldn’t listen. He’d push more, force me more.
Sometimes get rough and mean. I didn’t know which Leo I was going to get. Not
ever. He helped me into my pants and then pushed me back over the middle
console so I could sit in the front seat next to him and drove us back to his
Condo.

“You hungry?” He asked me when we got in opening up the fridge.

“No, I’m ok thanks. Can I shower?” I asked. My back side was still feeling
sticky him having not allowed me to put underwear on. His mess dripping down
the back of my legs and into my pants as I sat in the car.

“No, not right now ok? Later. Can you eat?” He asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

“Yes or no?” He asked me, “If you don’t eat now you’re going to be really
hungry later because I think we’re going to start training.”

“I guess I could yes,” I answered.

“Good, I’ll make some pasta primavera ok?” He said.

“That’s sounds fine. Thanks,” I replied.

“No problem.” He answered pulling the stuff out of the fridge and pantry.

“Training for what?” I asked.

“Oh, you’ll find out,” he said, “It won’t hurt per say but it’ll be a little
uncomfortable at first. However, you’ll really enjoy it after we get in the
groove. I promise.”

“You’re scaring me,” I said looking at him closely as he started to cook.

“Baby, I won’t ever hurt you on purpose ok? Trust me,” he said, “You’ll like
it.”

“I don’t like any of it. You know that right?” I asked him.

“That might be what your head and your mouth say but that’s not what that tight
little body of yours says. Trust me,” he said looking up from what he was doing
and smiling at me.

He made the food as I sat in the living room and watched TV. When he was done
cooking he called me to the dinner table and he just kept staring at me,
licking his lips as he ate. I managed to eat only a couple of bites when he
grabbed me by the arm and took me back to the bedroom. Him muttering excitedly
to himself on the way there. He made me get undressed and lay down on the bed.

“You have to be very very still for this ok baby?” He said to me pulling out
some silk scarves and tying my arms to the headboard.

That made me even more nervous because he said he would never restrain me
unless he had to. He then he reached into his night stand and pulled out a
black, what looked like trapper keeper or pouch. When he opened it, his smile
widened and there were these weird metal rods in it. Not super long but not
really short either. He took a bottle of lube and squirted it on the entire
second rod that he pulled from the case.

“Ok hold very still,” he said grabbing my penis. It felt weird, burning
slightly as he slid it into the tip of my penis. Whatever this was, I didn’t
want it.

“What are you doing?” I asked him as he continued to feed it up into my shaft
the feeling burning that was spreading up my body.

“Sounding. After we play with this one we’re going to try that other one. You
see it? The one with the wider end. You’ll love that one, trust me,” he said
smiling at me and he pulled it back out slowly and then pushed it back in the
feeling weird, tickling and burning all at once.

“SHIT,” I whimpered.

“Feels good, doesn’t it? Wait until you try the vibrating one,” he said
continuing to fuck me with it.

“Stop it hurts. It hurts, stop,” I begged really hating the way it felt. How
wrong it was, how painful. Which is probably why he had tied me down. After a
while he changed the rod and then changed it again to the one he had pointed
out turning it on.
The vibration felt weird. Being inside my body like someone wiggling their
fingers back and forth really fast. It hit something inside me stealing my
breath. I still can’t describe what it really felt like at least not that well.
It hurt, burned slightly while over whelming my body all at once.

“Good boy,” he said starting to move it in and out. He pushed me to climax.

It was intense almost like having three orgasms at once. Both my penis and
something else being stimulated at once and directly on. After he was done he
pulled it out and licked me clean leaving me tied up. Then he…did one of his
favorite things whispering into my ear to stay calm that I was good as I cried
and begged him to stop. He only let me go when I quit begging.

I curled into a ball and slept. My whole body exhausted. He woke me up around 6
and I showered.

I felt number and sore. It hurt to piss again. Of course, again because let’s
be honest they enjoyed making urination painful for some odd reason. I got
dressed and he took me off to school.

When I got out of the car I felt numb. He wished me a good week and told me he
would pick me up from school Friday. I felt sick to my stomach waiting for
everyone to get there. Pat and Cole got off the bus and saw me as I didn’t wait
for them to catch up going back to our spot.

“Are you ok?” Pat asked me.

I just shook my head taking the cigarette he handed me and he helped me light
it. I knew he wanted me to talk about it but I didn’t want to talk about it. I
was free of him for nearly three days. I wanted to pretend he didn’t exist for
those three days.
“Want to talk about it?” He asked me.

“Not really,” I answered as the bushes moved and I jumped back.

This Asian kid appeared the biggest smile on his face. I wasn’t sure who the
hell he was and then Cole smiled big, “TOSHI!” he said delightly hugging the
boy tightly.

“Yo, so this is the spot?” Toshi asked his English only slightly accented.

“Yes, this is our place. What do you think?” Cole asked Toshi smiling, “This is
John and you know Pat.”

“Hello,” he said bowing slightly at me causing me to wrinkle my nose at him.

“Oh, sorry I’m Japanese we huh, well anyway,” he said holding out his hand.

“John is a very…hands off sort of guy with most people,” Pat said as I looked
at Toshi’s hand suspiciously.

“Oh,” Toshi said nodding his head, “You can call me Tosh.”

“Sorry,” I said trying to wrap my head around this new person who seemed overly
friendly, “I’ve had a very long weekend.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Tosh said, “You look so serious.”

I heard Pat chuckle lightly, “He usually is.”

“You…don’t even please,” I said looking at him.

“Sorry rabbit it’s true. It’s so true. You are a very very serious guy but…,”
he leaned in close to me and whispered in my ear sending a warm shiver down my
back, “It’s one of my favorite things about you.”

“Oh, he’s that John?” Tosh asked looking at Cole who nodded.

“What John?” I asked.

“Oh, you and Pat would be together if it weren’t for Gus. Cole tells me these
things,” Tosh said nodding his head.

“Really?” I asked.

“Hey, it’s like watching a real-life soap,” Cole told me, “I haven’t a chance
to tell him about….” Cole frowned and then smiled a thin line, “Other things.”

I turned and Pat was smiling at my head like he had been doing something weird,
“Did I miss some nonverbal brother signals there?” I asked.

“Yes, Pat was waving wildly,” Tosh said moving his hand back and forth in front
of his neck vigorously.

“Yeah, thank you Pat and Cole. Please, just don’t,” I answered, “Can I have
another one?” I asked holding my hand out for a cigarette.

“Yes,” Pat said giving me another one, “Dom said he’ll be out tomorrow so he
probably won’t be at school until Wednesday.”

“Just in time for Mass,” Cole said.

“So, are you and Tosh like dating or …?” I asked.

“No, we’re friends,” Cole said.

“Good friends,” Tosh said winking.

“Ah,” I said nodding my head, “Got it.”

“What? Is that a bad thing?” Tosh asked.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Just be careful.”

“Oh, I know this,” Tosh told me nodding head.

“So, do you read?” Tosh asked me.

“Well, yes,” I answered.

“No, he means for fun,” Cole said.

“Sometimes?” I replied.

“Hey Cole, can you and Tosh give us…,” Pat started to ask.

“Yeah. No problem,” Cole said pulling on Tosh’s jacket, “Come on Tosh. I’ll
show you how to get to your class.”

“See you later,” Tosh said brightly following Cole.

“You find him annoying?” He asked me.

“Only slightly why?” I sighed.

“I can see it written all over your face,” Pat said.

“Yeah well, I’m low on patience right now,” I answered, “You can understand
that, right?”

“Yeah, you’re numbed out Rabbit. I can see it,” Pat said touching my cheek
making me twitch slightly, “You know I’m not going to hurt you right?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I know I just…I’m tired ok?”

“It’s him, isn’t it? He’s done something. Will you talk to me?” He asked me his
brow furrowed in worry.

“I’d rather not talk about any of it. I’d rather just forget about it,” I
answered.

“Until you have to see him again on Friday?” He asked me making me stiffen,
“Yeah I know. Talk to me please.”

“About what Pat? How he …” I shook my head, “I can’t.”

“Why?” He asked softly, “Can you at least tell me why?”

“He’s worse than my Da. He seems nice and then he just…” I swallowed, “I
can’t.”

“Yes, you can Rabbit. Don’t make yourself deal with this alone. You want to
know what Gus does? He likes to choke me until I’m seconds from passing out as
he rapes me. As he hurts me. Then at some point I always pass out and he
doesn’t wake me up he just leaves and when I wake up he’s gone,” Pat said,
“Does Leo do stuff like that?”

I shook my head, “No.”

“What does he do?” Pat coaxed me.

“He makes…I can’t Pat I’m sorry. I can’t talk about it, him I can’t,” I said.

“Please? You’ll feel better sharing it with someone,” Pat said.

“He makes me look at him. He makes me beg. He likes it and I can’t stop myself
from telling him no because my Da doesn’t let me. My Da doesn’t let me tell him
no. Not ever, not once. He will beat me if I say no, don’t or stop and he will
go get someone else and hurt them instead. With Leo, he likes to hear me
scream. He likes it when I…,” I was shaking, so close to crying I felt like my
legs were Jello.

“Ok,” Pat said hugging me tightly, “Ok, you did great. I know that was hard but
you’re very brave ok?”

“I’m not brave. I give him what he wants,” I answered, “I give him what he
wants. I let him…”

“You’re not letting him do it because you want him to. You’re letting him
because you don’t have a choice,” Pat told me.

“No, he…you don’t get it he…,” I started hyperventilating.

“Ok honey, Rabbit you need to breathe and count to four ok? Breathe with me,”
he said showing me how to breathe. Going slowly until I started to copy him,
until my breath evened out rubbing my shoulder and collar bone. His fingers
working their magic even through my shirt making me want to kiss him, to bury
my face in his neck and feel his warmth. Making me want to kiss the pulse in
his neck.

When my breathing evened out he sighed with relief, “Better?”

I nodded my head, “Better.”

Just then the bell rang calling us into school. I sighed heading towards the
building.

“Wait what lunch do you have?” Pat asked me running a little bit to catch up.

“Second,” I answered.

“Me too and your classes?” He asked me.

“Math with Brenan, and then Finick, McClairen, Dunbee and huh TA on Wednesdays
and Fridays and gym for 2nd hour on Tuesday and Thursday, why?” I asked.

“Almost exactly the same. Only I don’t have Dunbee, did you get skipped a
grade?” He asked me.

“I don’t think so,” I answered, “Why?”

“Because the only class we should have that would probably be the same would be
science I think because I either almost flunked or flunked that class. You sure
they didn’t skip you?” He asked me again.

“They made my Da give me this weird test when I got back so maybe?” I answered
as the second bell rung.

“Shit, let’s hurry up. I know where we’re going,” he said grabbing my hand as
he started running pulling me forward making me laugh.

We barely made it and sat down quickly just as the final bell rang and this new
teacher shut the door. He was fat and when I say fat I don’t mean a little fat
I mean like he was a big man who seemed badly groomed and his breathing rattled
every time he inhaled. I really hoped to god he wasn’t in the brotherhood
because the thought of him on top of me terrified me.

“Welcome to 10th grade Math or 9th grade AP math depending on what grade you
are in. The rules here are simple. Do your school work. We have a group protect
due at the end of term. I will assign groups tomorrow. Today we are going to
take a test and review what you do know and don’t know. I will call roll you
will answer,” He said with little to no emotion.

He called roll and everyone said here or present that was there and then he
handed out a test. It looked like a normal math test until I got to the end of
it and I saw roman numerals. I wasn’t sure what it meant at first but then it
said, “give me your honest answer” with honest underlined. I wasn’t sure what
it meant but my brand was among them. Almost like he was fishing for us. I
couldn’t figure out why he would do that so I wrote in the numeral equivalent
and handed in my paper before the bell rang.

I didn’t stick around after it went off. Instead hurrying off to my next class
Pat by my side. I wasn’t sure I was ready for our next class. Finick, I knew
he’d be staring at me watching me. I knew he’d find a way to make me horribly
uncomfortable and that was probably the reason why I was in his class. We
walked to the classroom door and I exhaled loudly just hoping to gather my
courage before we walked in.

“Hey, I’m right here. You’re all right,” Pat assured me.

“I don’t know if I am,” I said thinking of Dom, of what had happened again.
What Dom had barely touched on with Cole and Pat and what I had not really
talked about at all.

“He won’t hurt you with me here. It doesn’t matter where he sits me. I have
your back you understand me?” Pat said again.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’m just…I don’t know sometimes I remember
things randomly and I feel like I can’t breathe. Like something bad is going to
happen and I… Something just feels wrong.”

“I know. It’s anxiety Rabbit, ok? But I’m right here and nothing bad will
happen to you if I’m here,” Pat said to me grabbing my shoulder and giving me a
gentle squeeze before we walked in the door.

“Oh, hi there Mr. McGregor, how are you?” He asked his eyes obviously traveling
up and down my body in a way they shouldn’t.

“He’s fine,” Pat said stepping in front of me.

“Mr. Kingly,” Father Finick said his eyes going cold, “How was your summer?”

“Fine father and yours?” Pat asked him.

“Uneventful,” Father Finick answered smiling, “I heard Mr. McGregor had an
adventure.”

“Mr. McGregor spent most of his summer in summer school in Montana. That
doesn’t sound like an adventure to me,” Pat answered.

“And he lost his ability to speak I see,” Father Finick said, “Is this going to
be a problem boys?”

“No, sir,” Pat answered.

“And for you Mr. McGregor?” Father Finick asked me.

“No sir,” I answered not looking at him.

“I see Dr. Swartzman has helped with some of your incorrigibility problems?” He
said and I visibly twitched, “Oh yes. I’ve heard all about that.”

“Don’t talk about that in front of him,” Pat hissed.

“Have a problem with Leo?” Father Finick said.

“I’m wa…” Father Finick cut Pat off.

“You don’t want to deal with the Head master, do you? Because threatening me
would be a good way to get his attention.” Father Finick warned.

“You think I’m afraid of him?” Pat asked.

“No but I know your friend Mr. Gables is,” Father Finick said.

“You wouldn’t,” Pat hissed.

“Keep going and we’ll find out,” Father Finick warned, “You sit over by the
window Mr. Kingly. Mr. McGregor, I want you by the door both in the front row,
now.” He said as more people starting filing into the classroom as the bell
rang.

I sat at the lab table in the front near the door waiting for him to come up
behind me. My heart racing, my hypervigilance on full drive. I didn’t want to
be touched by anyone, sit close to anyone. I didn’t want to be stuck in this
classroom and didn’t know how I was ever going to handle McClairen’s class
which I knew was next. Alec from last year sat next to me and sighed looking at
me.

“How was your summer?” He asked me.

“It happened, and yours?” I replied.

“Same,” He said, “So…you hear about the…?”

“Yes, I’m supposed to be attending apparently,” I answered, “You?”

“Yep,” He said, “It’s kicked up. Since you left it’s like being on lock down.”

“That wasn’t on me,” I whispered.

“I know. Just saying,” Alec replied, “How bad has your punishment been?”

“Can we just talk about something else?” I asked not looking at him staring
straight ahead.

“Yeah sure,” he said, “You read any good books lately?”

“What is up with everyone asking me about books?” I asked.

“I don’t know. When you’re trapped in a room…” he started but I cut him off.

“Who says I’ve spent a lot of time trapped in a room? What the fuck do you
know?” I hissed.

“Nothing,” Alec said shaking his head, “I just figured you know. You might
think life is different but if you bothered to look past yourself you’d see all
of us live very similar lives.”

“Well, we don’t. You don’t have my life. You aren’t taking care of nine kids or
supposed to be while people are keeping you from doing it. You don’t have to
worry about what’s going on when you’re not there,” I said.

“I have siblings, 2 little sisters remember? And I worry because while my Dad
might not do the things to them that he does to me he’s not exactly friendly,”
Alec sighed twirling his pencil in his fingers.

I looked around making sure no one was listening before I whispered, “Yeah I
have 3 little sisters and seven little brothers. Imagine what my Da is going to
them when I’m not there if he treats them anything like he treats me,” I said
and Alec nodded his head.

“I get it, I do all right. But, you’re not alone. You’re not the only one who
deals with the brotherhood ok?” Alec said, “So books? Read that Harry Potter
yet? I know it’s like a kid book but my sisters love it. They’ve made me read
them all twice and apparently there is another book coming out in a little
while.”

“There’s more than one?” I asked.

“Yeah, three,” Alec answered, “You should really look into them. Maybe read
them with your little siblings.”

“I’ll think about it. I don’t know. Between homework and other stuff, I don’t
think I’m going to be spending a lot of time with them,” I replied.

“Other stuff?” Alec asked as Father Finick cleared his throat.

“Welcome to class. This is science. This year we’re going to be covering
biology and genetics. Of course, it won’t be in depth like college level but
you’ll learn about inheritance of traits and other things like illness. We’re
going to do a lab with Mice, so that should be fun. You will pay attention.
When we get the Mice in two weeks you will take the Mice home each weekend.
Look at the person next to you that’s your teammate. That means this lab is a
team grade. If one of you isn’t carrying your weight you both suffer. I realize
some of you are not sophomores but are actually freshmen however you are in
this class because you tested out of general education freshmen science. Now we
are going to watch a video on Mice, I want to see notes from everyone. No
falling asleep, Mr. McGregor get the lights please,” Father Finick said.

I got up and walked over to the light switch and as I hit the light Father
Finick hit play on the VCR and our video started. It mostly covered the life
cycle of mice and why Mice were generally used for medical research. I started
making notes and was doing really well until Father Finick walked up behind me
and put his hand on my shoulder making me jump.

“How are you doing?” He asked me.

“Making notes,” I whispered quietly trying to avoid drawing attention.

“Yeah?” He whispered back hoarsely, “Do you know where Mr. Morrow is?”

“He’s away. You should know where he is,” I answered.

“That’s too bad,” Father Finick said, “Maybe just you and me then?”

“For what?” I asked.

“You know. How big is it now?” He asked his hand going to my crotch making me
cringe.

“Don’t,” I said closing my eyes, trying to avoid drawing attention to myself,
to us and what he was doing.

“You want to keep your grade up don’t you?” He asked me, “Then see me after the
bell rings. I’ll drive you home.” He said patting me on the shoulder and
walking away.

So that’s what Leo had met by picking teachers that were willing to help me
with my grades. Awesome. I should have just killed myself correctly the first
time. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with this, their hands all over me.
However, I didn’t want to risk going back to the hospital. To Neal. To the
things he did to me. However, I felt like that might have been the better
option if I had to choose between getting my dick sucked until it was black and
blue and having metal rods shoved up my urethra.

I exhaled deeply causing Alec to elbow me lightly, “I saw that. Does he do that
often?”

I just shook my head, “Watch the movie.”

“Dude, how many people do you have chasing your tail?”

“Alec, just watch the movie,” I said again.

“All right fine,” Alec sighed.

I knew what he was trying to do. To become friends. But if he was friends with
Chad. I didn’t want to be friends with him. Chad tormented Dom and Dom had let
me in on even more about that. I didn’t want to be near anyone or friends with
anyone who was friends with that asshole who was obviously on the recruit fast
track.

When the video ended I got up and turned on the lights without being asked. It
seemed like everyone had actually managed to stay awake a syllabus was handed
out and we were told to give it to our parents. I don’t really remember what
else was said before the bell rang but the moment it did Pat rushed to my side
not touching me but standing close to me. Close enough I could feel his body
heat, feel that thing about him that always made me feel calmer and more
relaxed like someone was helping me carry the boulder that was constantly on
me, restricting me.

“Come on. Let’s get out of here all right?” Pat said and I nodded my head.

“Yeah, Gus is next, right?” I asked.

“Yes,” Pat said shaking his head, “Should be fun. Right?”

“Oh yeah tons,” Pat scoffed.

“I won’t be riding the bus home,” I said.

Pat stopped walking down the hallway and turned to look at me curiously, “Why
is that?”

I shrugged my shoulders not wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to think
about it but remembering what Pat kept telling me without words. That I was
shutting him out. That I was shutting everyone out and that it wasn’t healthy
and it wasn’t going to help me. I sighed trying to keep my emotion flat as I
answered him.

“Father Finick wants to see me after school. He’s going to drive me home,” I
answered.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head and chewing his lip, “Want me to stay after
with you?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I’d rather you didn’t. He honestly isn’t horrible. He
just has a thing with…huh, stuff.”

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “You’ll call me when you get home?”

“Yeah, for sure,” I answered as we finally made it to the classroom door
finding Cole and Tosh standing outside of it.

“You have this class too Tosh?” Pat asked walking up.

“Yes,” Tosh answered seeming a little less enthusiastic then he had the
morning.

“You ok?” Pat asked him.

“Lost my huh how do you say? Takai like happy feeling from my pills?” Tosh
said.

“He means he’s not high anymore,” Cole said stifling a laugh.

“He was high? Oh, thank god,” I said before I could stop myself and both Pat
and Cole started laughing hysterically.

“What? He was a little too excited for you the morning John?” Cole teased.

“A little?” I asked shaking my head, “Try a lot.”

“Sorry,” Tosh mumbled, “Yeah usually I’m not high just really nervous?” Tosh
said giving Cole a questioning look.

“Yes Tosh, nervous is probably what you are looking for,” Cole said, “He’s not
bad at English some words are very different though.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, “I mean I may not be Japanese but I’ve heard it’s a
hard language to learn.”

“NO!” Tosh said forcefully, “English is crazy.”

“Dom would agree with you there,” I said.

“You and Dom have talked about languages?” Cole asked me.

“Not a lot but he did teach me a swear that he likes to use that sounds fun and
I’m not sure exactly what it means but I think one part of it is Christ.” I
said laughing a little bit.

“Oh, that’s not good,” Cole said smiling, “When did he use it?”

“In the hospital, all the time. Someone would say something, usually one of the
staff and he’d say Chertov Khristos however it goes. He once said something
that I didn’t catch and then decided to change to French which I didn’t even
know he knew French,” I said.

“I didn’t either that’s impressive, 3 languages,” Pat commented.

“I speak two fluently. Not that anyone would ever know and then bits and pieces
of four all together. I know some Gaelic of course having a mum that’s Irish
and then I speak French and English and some Italian,” I answered.

“So, what did he say in French?” Cole asked smirking.

“Gardez vos mains pour vous trou du cul,” I answered.

“And that means?” Asked Pat.

“Keep your hands to yourself asshole,” I said smiling, “It’s a long story but
yeah he got into trouble for it.”

“Which part?” Cole asked laughing into his hand.

“All of it really but the asshole part probably was the big part that did it,”
I answered.

“How do you say asshole in French?” Cole asked.

“Trou du cul,” I answered, “The literally translation is hole of the ass but
you know same thing…”

“That’s awesome I have to remember that,” Cole said laughing.

“Don’t. You’ll get me in trouble. Pas de problèmes s'il vous plait,” I said.

“Don’t worry they won’t figure it out and he’ll forget what it means in about
half an hour,” Pat said.

“Hey more like an hour but yeah,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders.

“Is anyone ready for this class? Pat?” Tosh asked.

“As ready as I’ll ever be. He’s going to be eye fucking me the entire time
probably,” Pat answered.

“Eye fucking?” Tosh asked.

“Giving him sex eyes,” Cole translated.

“OH! I hate that look. They are dirty men,” Tosh said frowning.

“You have no idea Tosh,” Pat said shaking his head, “Is Dom supposed to be in
this class too?”

“I don’t know,” I answered.

“Guys,” Chad said walking up to us making me shoot him a dirty look, “Whose got
your panties in a twist five?”

“Trou du cul,” I hissed causing Cole to snort.

“Cole you’re not a five,” Pat scoffed.

“I’m sorry it’s too good. You know any more John?” Cole asked me.

“Yeah but I’m not repeating them in the middle of the school hallway because
I’m pretty sure one of these trou du cules speaks French,” I answered.

“You shit,” Chad shaking his head.

“I’m a shit?” I asked scoffing, “Really, after what you did? You think I’m a
shit?”

“What I did? And what is it I did? Please tell me,” Chad said.

“Well think about who I’m friends with and then tell me what it is you did and
I’ll let you know if you’re right,” I said as I saw his face get pensive.

“Oh, that doesn’t concern you,” he said, “I was drunk not my fault he was
there.”

“Huh, that’s really funny considering how often I’ve been drunk and have
managed to not be an asshole,” I answered.

“So? sue me,” Chad replied.

“What did he do?” Cole asked.

“You know how badly he treats Dom,” I answered, “There’s a reason Dom is afraid
of him and he’s a major asshole. Chad here has a crush.”

“Crush? You think I have a crush on him because I enjoy bothering him? Because
I want his mouth wrapped around my…”

“Gentlemen! I have no idea what you are talking about but don’t be vulgar!”
Father McClairen said poking his head out the door, “Come inside.”

“Nice move guys,” Chad scoffed.

“Hey, you started it years ago,” I answered.

“Yeah because you know I’m that amazing,” Chad answered.

“No, he was 11,” I shot back.

“Woah,” Tosh said looking at us while Cole and Pat stood there silently
watching us.

“I don’t like my business being shared publicly and if he’s your friend you
know very well he doesn’t either so why don’t you keep going?” Chad said, “See
how long you stay friends when I tell him you told everyone.”

“I honestly don’t know what he’s telling us but whatever his problem is with
you I’m behind him 100%,” Pat said.

“Yeah because you want your dick in his ass,” Chad said smirking, “Or is that
not true? Because watching you two from a distance it looks true.”

At that point Father McClairen sighed and shut and locked the classroom door,
“Rank racket really guys? Here of all place? All of you shut your fucking
mouths and Pat by the way isn’t doing anything with anyone. At least he better
not be.”

“I’m not Gus. You know that,” Pat hissed.

“Good,” Father McClairen said, “And watch that while we’re here by the way.”

“I’m aware. Thank you,” Pat said.

“Oh…,” was all Chad said his eyes darting fast between Father McClairen and Pat
like he understood what was going on.

“Ok everyone hold off. You want to get into this wait until Saturday when
you’re locked in a room with guys in the same situation and then you can all
have a fucking brawl for all I care but keep it locked up at school you got
it?” McClairen hissed.

“Yes sir,” Chad said.

“Understood,” Pat said.

“Sorry sir,” I answered.

“Hey Tosh and I were just bystanders but yeah, I got it,” Cole replied

“I’m good,” Tosh answered swiftly.

“Good. As long as we are all very clear on that I will unlock the door and
class can get started shortly,” Father McClairen said unlocking the classroom
door.

We all sat down and he started writing something quickly on the board. The
first half of the class went by fast and the whole entire time I felt like he
was going to ask someone to stay in the classroom for lunch but he didn’t.
Instead everyone left the room and Chad immediately went to find his groupies.

“Can you tell me what that was all about?” Pat asked me.

“I’m not sure I should,” I answered, “He’s right I shouldn’t have said anything
because Dom wouldn’t be comfortable with people knowing.”

“It’s just me. You know I won’t tell anyone,” Pat said.

“When Dom was 11 him and Chad had a thing like we had a thing. It went bad.
Chad turned bad and he wasn’t very nice to Dom after that.” I answered trying
to be vague.

“You mean he…” Pat started to ask and I nodded my head.
“He cornered Dom in the bathroom once with me there and I saw the way he was
looking at him. I know what that look means because I see it constantly. Chad
is not just an asshole he’s a fucking asshole. He hurt him and Dom is terrified
of him. Dom will never admit it out right but he is,” I answered.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “Dom doesn’t go anywhere alone from now on all
right?”

I nodded my head, “Should I tell him that?”

“No,” Pat said, “Don’t say anything. We’ll just keep a close eye on him when he
gets back. Something bad is going on.”

“That’s what Alec told me. He said it’s like being on lock down since my mum
got us out. You think they’re mad?” I asked.

“We’d have to ask Vic about that but yeah I don’t imagine they were happy about
what your mum did. Taking you guys away. You have to understand they don’t view
us as people we’re not people to them, we’re property. She took their property
and not just one but 10. That’s something that would make them pretty pissed
I’d imagine.” Pat answered, “You’re going to eat today.”

He didn’t ask me, he told me I was going to eat. I had been planning on it but
I wasn’t looking forward to any alone time with Finick after school. Knowing
what he was probably planning to do. I did manage to eat, Pat holding my hand
under the table as I ate a sandwich and an apple for lunch. It felt filling
enough. I wanted him to sneak me away somewhere and kiss me, feel his lips
against my neck, his hands on my skin.

“I’m going to go the bathroom,” I said standing up looking at Pat wondering if
he would follow me.

I threw away my trash on the way to the bathroom and sure enough he was
following me. When I got into the bathroom he opened the door and turned around
locking it since there was no one in there and before I could stop myself I had
him pinned against the wall his hands sliding down my back as I kissed him.
God, it felt amazing. I wanted him. I wanted to be inside him, to feel his skin
against my skin. To do what we had done in the pool together. He rolled his
tongue across mine smiling at me.

“You wanted some alone time with me?” He asked me putting his hand gently on
the back of my neck pressing our foreheads together making my breath catch in
my throat for just a second. Making me flash back to Leo how he had forced me
to do that the last time he had raped me. The anxiety it caused forcing me to
close my eyes and take a deep breath reopening them and focusing on Pat. On his
eyes, the color of the Ocean and his hair that smelled like pretzels and
chocolate. To focus on the hole where he lip ring belonged right underneath the
right side of his bottom lip, on his smile that curled just slightly upward.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “I hate them.”

“I know Rabbit, me too. Are you ok?” He asked me rubbing his nose against mine.

“I’m ok now,” I answered hugging him tightly around the waist, “How long until
we’re done with this?”

“You mean me and Gus? January,” Pat answered, “What about you?”

“Same, at least for now,” I answered feeling like there was a lump in my
throat, “I think he …he’s not going to let me go.”

“What do you mean Rabbit?” He asked me.

“He said he keeps the same person for years,” I answered, “He told me I’m in
his sweet spot. His range he’s horrible. He took a metal thing and he shoved it
inside me and it hurt, it burned and then he moved it in and out and I just
remember it hurting and then that horrible feeling you get when they’re down
there…over and over… It still hurts to use the bathroom.”

“When you mean inside you, you’re not talking about your asshole are you?” He
asked me quietly.

I shook my head, “I didn’t even know anyone could stick something in there like
that. It hurt so bad Pat. He’s mean like, I thought my Da was mean. Leo is
really mean. I think he likes it when I scream. When I can’t control it. They
make me hate myself.”

“I’m sorry he did that to you,” Pat said and I could see his eyes were wet,
“I’m so sorry Rabbit I really am. Did he tell you why he wanted you and not
someone else? He could have any of us so why you?”

“He said it was my personality. The video with my Da, that I was everything he
was looking for. That I was quiet and obedient,” I answered.

“You are anything but obedient,” Pat said, “You’re surviving. That’s what
you’re doing. That doesn’t make you obedient that makes you complacent. That
means you’re doing something because you have to. Being obedient means you’re
doing something because you want to, because you’re willing to and you aren’t
willing to do this. I know you aren’t.”

“But what if…what if he knows?” I asked barely a whisper.

“Knows what?” Pat asked back.

“Knows that it …I can’t,” I said shaking my head. I couldn’t voice that fear. I
couldn’t admit that it felt good. I didn’t want anyone to know because that
meant I deserved it. That I wanted it to happen.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head our foreheads still pressed together, “Ok. I
love you thank you for trusting me.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” I answered, “It’s that I don’t trust me.”

“Why not?” He asked me.

“Maybe they’re right? Maybe everything him and Da say is true and I’m just
lying to myself,” I answered.

“No. You know how you feel better than anyone else. Don’t let them confuse you
ok? Don’t let them make you think they know what you want because they don’t
and they don’t care what you want. They just know and care about what they
want. Just like my Dad. He beats you not because you want to be beaten but
because he likes beating you, he likes hurting you. Torturing you, making you
do those things. That doesn’t mean you want them to happen. Same with your dad
and same with Leo and any of them,” Pat insisted, “I know you Rabbit. I know
you don’t want this. I know you’d rather they never even look at you let alone
do the stuff they do to you.”

“You promise?” I asked.

“Yes, Rabbit, I swear it to you,” Pat said, “I swear to you. You don’t want
this and I know you don’t want this and deep down you know you don’t want this.
Even if right now they have your whole brain turned upside down and doubting
everything ok? I promise.”

“You don’t think I’m sick? That there is something wrong with me?” I asked him
almost crying.

“No,” Pat shook his head running a hand through my hair, “never.”

“I just want them to leave me alone,” I said finally allowing the tears to
spill. Allowing myself to cry.

While I was scared and whiny I hardly ever cried unless it was during or after
one of my assaults. In between I suffered from fits of violence, anger and
tantrums but didn’t really cry. If I wasn’t angry or with my siblings I was
numb. Horribly comfortably numb. Pat was really the only person that made me
feel anything other than angry, him and Dom. Even Cole for some reason didn’t
have that impact on me. Not like Pat and Dom could. However, there were things
I could tell Dom that I couldn’t ever talk to Pat about. And Pat, Pat made
something inside me feel alive, crave interaction and physical touch where that
was usually something I didn’t want.

“I know Rabbit, and one day they will. I swear to you if I have to take you
away to a deserted Island and hide you from everyone forever, one day they will
leave you alone. I promise,” he told me as the bell rang. He sighed looking at
me sadly, “Here let me fix your face.” He said grabbing paper towel and wetting
it before rubbing my face down with it kissing my cheeks before he placed a
gentle kiss on my lips, “Are you ready to go back to class?” He asked me.

“No,” I answered, “I don’t know. I feel…”

“Exposed?” He asked me, “It’s ok. No one can see it but me I promise and I’m
not going to tell anyone.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’m ready to go back to class, are you?”

“Ready to sit in a room with Gus?” Pat said shaking his head, “That hasn’t gone
anywhere good all summer so no but I’ll survive.”

“You sure?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Pat said, “Let’s go,” he said unlocking the bathroom door
and we walked out.

He didn’t hold my hand on the way to the classroom and when we got there we sat
down at our seats and he squeezed my hand tightly under the table. McClairen’s
eyes looking at both of us closely. I don’t remember thinking for the rest of
the class. Just seeing his eyes. Those cold steel grey eyes watching us almost
like he was daring us to do something. To make him angry, give him an excuse to
keep us after school.

I felt like my heart wasn’t beating the whole entire time we were in there. My
brain fighting hard not to go back to that place. That place where he made me
do things with him. How he had made me get on my knees on the table in the back
of the classroom that was still there, how he had pushed hard into me, making
it so hard not to scream out in pain.

By the time the class was over just looking at him was sending me into
terrified shivers. And Pat had been made to deal with him all summer. The
thought made me feel like such a failure, knowing that I was so weak I could
barely handle him once let alone repeatedly.

When the bell Rang Pat took off in a different direction but I went towards
Dunbee’s being the first one to get there because I didn’t feel like stopping
at my locker. I sat down in the front row quietly while Dunbee was doing work
at his desk.
***** 23 *****
Chapter Summary
     John is finally home after his hospital stay and weekend with Leo. He
     takes to William and learns about things that are happening at home.
     He sees what things have changed and it causes his anxiety to
     increase him doing something he hasn't done since leaving for Montana
     after Da welcomes him home.
Chapter Notes
     Page 419 to 441. Only 694 pages left before the end of part 2 so yay
     for you guys. Warnings Rape/Non-con, talk of child sexual abuse,
     anxiety, mental health issues, underage drinking, talk of priest
     abuse.
“Mr. McGregor?” Father Dunbee said frowning, “I am pleased to see you however
also very displeased. I had heard you had moved and circumstances had improved
for you. Was I mistaken?”

“No, Father. I was in Montana with my mum and siblings for a while but, I’m
back,” I replied.

“I’m sorry to see that,” he answered, “And are things the same as they were
before?”

I shrugged my shoulders. What was I supposed to do? Admit it was worse than
before? That I was signed up to be abused in some dude’s apartment every
weekend for the next six months? I would rather not think about that, let alone
talk about it. I felt like I had talked about it enough with Pat.

“Are you still struggling?” He asked me.

“I’m trying not to,” I answered.

“All of the most courageous people struggle my son. Even Abraham faced great
struggles and God loved him most of all,” Father Dunbee told me.

“Not like this father,” I answered.

“No,” Father Dunbee answered nodding his head, “And after you have suffered a
little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in
Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. You may
be suffering in a way that Abraham does not know but God knows of your
suffering. It is for a reason and when the time comes he will erase that
suffering from you. He will restore you within his kingdom and take every
broken piece of you and make you whole again. Ask for his help. Ask for his
guidance and strength in your struggles. He will listen to your problems and
give you solace. Even if it’s not what you are looking for.”

“I don’t want to be whole. I don’t expect to be whole. I just want peace,” I
answered quietly.

“Ask him for peace, and he will help you find it, “Casting all your anxieties
on him, because he cares for you.” Ask and you shall receive,” Father Dunbee
said.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “That’s not how this works. Father I don’t know
if you realize but it wasn’t just Barren, it’s…”

“Shhh my child,” Father Dunbee said, “Don’t worry about such things. Slide the
name into my mailbox by the door at the end of class and I will see what I can
do to help god alleviate your suffering all right?”

“What if it’s not someone here?” I asked him.

He sighed peering down his nose at me coming over to the desk next to mine and
sitting down so that he could speak quietly, “Then you tell me and I will do
what I can to make sure I draw the attention of the right authorities all
right? Is this person hurting you someone you are related to?”

“Never mind father,” I answered, “I’m sorry I bothered you.”

He sighed getting ready to speak again but someone entered the room causing him
to smile at me sadly as he got up and went back to the front of the classroom.
I felt naked, like I had said too much. I was tired of feeling naked and scared
of Finick and what he would do to me when I was done here and how bad that was
going to be. I was so tired I could have just curled up into a ball and slept
for the rest of my life and that was the only relief I could really see
happening. The only peace I felt God would ever give me.

I don’t remember what even happened in that class that day. My whole body
feeling sick and tired and hopeless. Knowing that Father Finick was going to
molest me. Probably blow me, maybe even rape me. I couldn’t deal with anymore
after a while and just put my head down trying hide the fact that I was upset,
that I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. When the bell rang I kept my head down
until the very last second when it sounded like everyone was gone and then
lifted my head up to look around.

“Ok my child,” Father Dunbee said sitting down next to me again, “Give me the
names on a slip of paper they won’t ever know it’s you. I’ll see what I can do.
I can’t promise it will be enough, it may be nothing at all but prayers but you
have my support and know God knows the truth all right?”

I just nodded my head. I didn’t know what to say. I knew there wasn’t really
anything he could do. That he had already probably done everything he could by
getting rid of father Barren. I figured I should do what he said though. I
pulled out a piece of paper as he walked away my heart racing as I thought
about what names I should write down.

I took a deep breath and made my list, “Gus, McClairen, Todd Finick, Leo
Swartzman, Connor McGregor, Ben McGregor, Hank Kingly and the rest I didn’t
fill in because I wasn’t sure if he would be able to anything about the names I
had given him let alone if the others would actually matter and then I got up
and slipped the paper in the mailbox next to the door of his classroom.

“Thank you, father, for listening,” I said quietly not looking him in the eyes.

“No problem,” he said, “I’m not the only who listens. Know that God will always
listen to you.”

“Thank you,” I said nodding my head and grabbing my bag leaving the classroom
behind. The only classroom where I ever really felt safe.

I walked down the hall and turned the corner going down the next long hallway
to Finick’s room. When I got there the door was open and he was sitting at his
desk going through papers. I sat down at my desk barely able to breathe and he
looked up and smiled at me going over and shutting the door and locking it.

“Come here,” he said using his finger to beckon me towards him.

“What are going to do?” I asked him.

“Well you remember the fun we had with Dom, right?” He asked me.

“I remember,” I answered.

“Not nearly as snarky as you were last year. What changed?” He asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn’t going to talk about Leo. Or my Da. I knew
they had changed me, that I was more serious than I had been before. That I was
quieter, more skittish but I didn’t know what to do about it. How to change
back.

“Oh well, does that mean you’re a good boy now?” He asked me, “Like last time
you cooperated even though I could sense you were very angry about it.”

“Wouldn’t you be?” I asked him, “Someone shoving your junk in their mouth when
you don’t want them to?”

“Oh, there you are,” Finick said smiling like he was amused, “I really want to
see what you are like at a Villa party. Do you swear at all the guys and get
your name thrown in that that glass orb or do you scream and beg them to stop?”

I felt my face fall his words reminding me of the coming weekend, of the plans
that had been set for me. I didn’t want to have to think about that. Not yet. I
shook my head.

“Have you ever been to the Villa?” I asked him.

“A few times,” he said, “Why are you asking?”

“Just curious to see what a sick fuck you are,” I answered honestly and he
laughed.

“Yeah, I like you better this way. I like a little fight, feeling someone
wiggle to free themselves underneath me. It fulfills this animal urge I have to
completely and totally dominate someone,” he told me coming over to me because
I still hadn’t moved towards him.

“Please don’t,” I said getting up and from my seat and moving away from him,
“Please just don’t.”

“I won’t hurt, not this time,” he answered coming towards me making me feel
trapped like a cornered stray dog.

“No,” I shook my head as he wrapped his arms tightly around my waist causing me
to push at him, trying to get him to stop.

I was only 13. I wasn’t any match for him, for his size. I was only 5’4 and
weighted maybe 104 pounds and here was full grown man in his early 40’s who was
a priest, who was respected and had authority and control over me. He might not
have been as physically fit as Leo or my Da or as young but, 40 is not that
old. 40 is still young enough. You are stronger and faster and smarter than a
13-year-old boy.

“It’s ok beautiful,” he said stroking my cheek, “I’ll make it feel nice. I just
want to show you how special you are. How amazing you are.”

“No,” I said again shaking my head as he grabbed my wrists and squeezed.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want another one of them to touch me. His hand
went to my belt and I didn’t something I had never really done before and I
don’t know where it came from. I started screaming.

“STOP! I SAID NO!” I screamed as loud as I could earning me a sharp smack
across my face as I heard commotion out in the hallway.

“You want to be loud? Fine, that’s perfectly fine,” he hissed at me, “You can
find your own way home. I’ll be talking to your father and I’ll see you this
weekend where you can be as loud as you damn well please because if I can get
the money together to sponsor you I’ll take you the back room and fuck you in
every hole you have and when I say every hole I mean every hole. Now go.”

I didn’t wait for him to clarify but grabbed my bag and unlocked the door and
ran for it. I literally booked it as fast as I could. Not stopping until I was
far away from the building and half way to the park that marked the midpoint
between school and home.
Once I got to the park I sat down. I didn’t sit down on a swing or a bench but
in the grass because I was tired my body was sore. My mind was beyond exhausted
and I kind of just wanted everything to stop again. I sat there knowing I was
on my way home. That while I would get to see my brothers and sisters I would
be going back to my Da and whatever it was he wanted to do to me. Or worse yet
having to watch him do it to someone else. I laid back trying to relax running
my hand through the grass beside me when suddenly I heard a whistle and this
little white dog with curly fur came running up into my face licking me
excitedly.

I sat up looking around and there was a man with grey hair and brown eyes
coming towards me laughing, “Sorry about that, she’s friendly,” he said.

“It’s ok,” I answered watching the guy carefully, standing up.

“Do you live around here?” He asked me.

“I huh, don’t live too far away why?” I asked.

“Well, I could give you a ride if you like. A ride home,” he answered.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Thanks I’m fine.”

“You sure? It’s getting kind of late to be walking home from school. How old
are you? 12?” He asked me.

“13,” I answered, “I’m ok really it’s not too much farther.”

“You sure? Do you want to make a phone call? You can walk over to my house if
you want, it’s right across the street, use my phone,” he said.

“Don’t hurt me,” I said backing up a little bit.

“I wouldn’t hurt you. Why would anyone want to hurt a handsome boy like you?”
he asked me.

“I don’t want to,” I answered.

“I could never hurt someone as beautiful as you. Why are you so nervous?” He
asked me.

“I’m going to go,” I said backing away.

“Wait, that look I’ve seen that look before. Where do I know you from?” He
asked me.

“Do you go to church at saint Matthews?” I asked him.

“No, I’m thinking,” he said that look in his eyes.

“I’m going to go,” I answered.

“No, wait,” he said his eyes getting a look of dawning in them, “That’s where I
know you from. Where’s your dad pretty?”

I turned and I ran. I didn’t want to do deal with whoever this was because he
would hurt me. If he knew something like that he would hurt me. I didn’t know
this guy. I had never seen him before but he had obviously seen me. I walked
down the street looking behind me wondering if he was following me but it
didn’t seem like it.

Once I got to my neighborhood I slowed to a walk, passing Pat’s house wanting
to stop by say hi but knowing it was dangerous. That it wasn’t somewhere I
wanted to be considering Hank could be there, or Arthur so I kept walking. It
took me maybe 10 minutes from there to get home. I walked up the drive way and
didn’t have a chance to open the door my Da coming out to greet me before I
could make it all the way there.

“Hi John,” he said his eyes cold, hard.

“Hi, Da,” I replied quietly.

“You want to tell me what happened with Finick? Why he didn’t drive you home?”
He hissed.

“He called you?” I asked not looking at him.

“YES! Yes, Johnathan he called me,” he shouted before calming down, “You want
to explain to me why you thought it was a good idea to be loud in a public
place where you could draw attention?”

“I’m sorry,” I answered, “I’m sore ok? I didn’t want him to do that.”

“Like you get a choice?” He hissed, “We’ve been over this you do what you’re
told or you pay the price. You want me to call Hank? I’ll call Leo he’ll allow
it, I promise you. You know how hard Leo worked to get Finick as your teacher
so you can pass? So, you don’t have to spend all weekend doing school work?”

“I’m sorry,” I said again.

“It’s not your body it’s mine. If I say Finick can do that he’s allowed to and
Leo and I agreed it would be a good idea. It will give you less school work to
worry about so tomorrow you need to be quiet,” Da warned me, “If you pull this
again I will get Hank and it will hurt. You know it will hurt.”

“Are you going to make me…?”

“No, you’re Leo’s I have other things to entertain me,” he said, “Go.”

I ran upstairs not wanting to cry, my emotions somewhere between relieved and
scared. I went up to the fourth floor in the lift to find it mostly quiet. The
babies were all down for their afternoon nap and James, Mike and Matt along
with Catty were not back from school yet even though they would be soon. Will
looked up from his school work at the kitchen table.

“Why weren’t you on the bus?” He asked me.

“I walked home,” I answered.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“You?” I asked.

“Well,” Will said closing his book and putting his pencil down, “Do you really
want to know what happened while you were gone?”

“I’m scared to hear,” I answered.

“Well, Da only let me out of his room because school started,” Will answered,
“I walked in on Mike and Matt and uncle Ben and it was…something that made me
want to rip my eyeballs out with a spoon. James cries for mum and for you. Da
gave me a queen-sized bed and I’m not really sure what that means. He had two
delivered on Sunday after mass. Huh, Catty is spending a lot of time in her
room by herself. I don’t know. I have a question for you,” he said looking at
me harshly.

“What?” I asked.

“What on earth made you think trying to kill yourself was a good idea?” He
blurted out, “I’m not blaming you for this because I figured this was coming
the moment we got back all of it but honestly John? Leaving us here to deal
with this pile of shit by ourselves no you, no mum no one. How does that even
seem like a remotely smart idea?”

“I wasn’t thinking when I did it ok? I just wanted it to stop,” I answered.

“We all want it to stop,” Will said, “You know any of us that like it?”

“NO! Will I know you don’t ok? Has he raped you four times in one day? Has he
let Uncle Ben…on top of everything? I just wanted to not have to feel them
anymore, all right? I wasn’t thinking when I did it. I was just thinking I
needed a break and that was the only way to get one and I was wrong. All right
I was very very wrong. Trust me I learned my lesson and that is something I
will never do again or if I do I will make sure I don’t fail. You think here is
bad you should try that fucking nightmare they call a hospital. In the end, I
begged Leo to let me out.” I answered.

“What do you mean you begged Leo to let you out?” Will asked quietly as I sat
down at the table.

“Trust me you don’t want to ever go there,” I replied.

“What’s it like?” Will asked me.

“It sucks. Staff there is just like Hank or Da or whoever it is they have to be
to convince you killing yourself is not a good idea. It’s full of people like
us. Boys like us and they hate you because you have a five on your hip instead
of a one,” I answered, “You don’t have anyone. I was lucky Dom was in there
with me and this other guy actually seemed to understand me but otherwise I was
alone.”

“Did you get to see or talk to mum? How is she?” He asked me.

“I saw her. She looked half dead,” I answered, “I didn’t get to talk to her
though. Outside of the people there I got to talk to Da and I was allowed to
call Pat once and then talked to him on the phone because Dom called him for me
a couple of times.”
“Do you know when she’s coming back?” He asked me.

“No,” I answered, “When she does get back though don’t expect her to really
help though. When she saw me, I don’t even think she recognized me.”

“You were at Leo’s during the weekend?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered sighing, “It is what it is I guess. Every weekend for the
next six months.”

“What’s he like?” Will asked me suddenly, “I mean I’m not trying to be nosy but
I’ve only seen him like three times and he’s never…not to me.”

“He’s bad,” I answered simply, “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Is he like Da?” Will asked me suddenly only glancing at me quickly before he
glanced away.

I still didn’t want to talk about it. Talk about what Da was like even though
Will knew by now. The things he said the way he could make you feel about it.
Like you had asked him to, like it was your fault. I nodded my head just as I
heard little scurrying steps coming up the hallway.

“JACK!!!!” Laura screamed happily a blur of soft red hair and sky blue throwing
herself at me, “You were gone but now you’re back?”

“Yes, I’m back,” I said pulling her up into my lap, “How are you?”

“I played tea party and Andy smashed the tea with a boom,” She told me
frowning.

“Well that was mean of him,” I replied.

“Yeah but it’s ok because the tea cup was plastic,” she told me.

“Oh well if it was plastic and it didn’t break that’s good then, right?” I
asked her.

“Right,” she replied nodding her head, “You were gone for a long time.”

“Yes, I was,” I agreed.

“Why did you go?” She asked me.

“Well, I was sick and I went somewhere to help me get better,” I answered.

“So, you’re better now?” She asked me.

“Yes,” I answered trying to keep it simple.

She was only two. She wouldn’t understand what suicide or mental illness was
and I was very sure Da hadn’t touched any of them yet. My hope was that he
never would. I didn’t want Da to ever touch any of them and my hope was if I
could find a way to please him, to keep him happy with just me he would leave
everyone else alone. The thought of him even touching James and Catty broke my
heart and I knew he was doing that. That he had already allowed other people to
do those type of things to James. James was due home from school and I was
afraid to see how much he had changed. Knowing that Mr. Lord had been to see
him at least once. That he was just little, younger than I had been my first
time.

“Good,” she said happily as the boys came around the corner with Alice in tow.

“John, it’s good to see you sugar,” Alice said smiling at me, “How are you
feeling?”

“I’m all right,” I answered.

I still didn’t trust her, didn’t like her. She treated my siblings well but
obviously didn’t understand where I was. Didn’t get the choices I made and the
fact that those choices were made for them. To protect them, my children, my
babies. Because god knows my Da was never a Da to them, he was a monster, a
shadow that made them fear the dark. The thing that was always there and never
talked about.

“Can I show you my toy?” Andy asked me.

“You got a new toy?” I asked him.

“Yeah, it’s a nice toy,” he told me.

“Ok, I’ll come see it,” I said standing up carrying Laura in my arms as we went
down the hallway.

“Oh, honey. You don’t need to bother your brother, Andrew,” Alice said sighing.

“Alice it’s not problem,” I said following him down the hallway, “Really.”

“Yay,” he said running ahead of us to the nursery.

Went we entered I noticed not just one new toy but lots of new toys. A doll
house in one corner with new dolls. Very interact and beautiful and next to it
a whole hot wheel track with shiny new hot wheels in a little plastic bin next
to them which Andy threw himself down on the ground next to.

“I can only play with them with Alice because Macky tries to eat his
sometimes,” Andy said to me.

“Who got them for you?” I asked looking at him.

“Daddy said Uncle Benny and Hank,” Andy said and I felt the color drain from my
face.

“What?” I asked looking at Alice.

“You’re Uncle Ben and his friend Hank. They’ve been spending lots of time ever
here this past week,” she answered shrugging her shoulders as I set Laura down
carefully so I didn’t drop her.

“Can I talk to you out in the hallway?” I asked Alice.

“Actually, your room would be best I think,” she told me and I nodded my head.

When I opened the door to my room I expected everything to be the same but my
room was different. More adult. I had a black bedroom set with a black iron
headboard the bars spaced a good distance apart instead of the solid oak one I
had when I left for the hospital. The bed was queen sized.

“What happened to my room?” I asked Alice.

“Your Daddy had it changed,” she told me, “I told him you might be upset but
your Daddy doesn’t listen to me about anything.”

“Why has Hank been here near them? Hank shouldn’t be anywhere near them ever,”
I hissed ignoring my room for the moment, trying to ignore what it implicated.

“I can’t stop your Daddy from letting his friends see them,” she answered me,
“They haven’t been alone in a room with him though.”

“So, you know then?” I scoffed at her, “You know how stupid that is? You think
because they’re little that’s going to stop them from hurting them? Because
trust me especially with my Uncle it won’t.”

“There is nothing I can do about it. It’s either my job and no one being here
for them to remotely keep them safe or its allowing your Daddy to be in charge.
If I keep my mouth shut I can make sure someone is here to watch over them even
if I can’t stop it,” Alice explained herself.

“Why and where were you Tuesday?” I asked her.

“Tuesday?” she asked me.

“Yes, Tuesday. Think really hard but I might have heard what happened when I
called and got Mikey on the phone?” I hissed at her.

“I don’t know I get off at 5pm. After that your Daddy is in charge and he comes
up here and takes care of the kids,” she said, “Everyone seemed fine when I got
in at 7 the next morning.”

“Who bathes them?” I asked her.

“Your Daddy,” she answered me.

“You’ve got to be kidding me! You know what he is! YOU KNOW AND YET YOU LEAVE
THEM ALONE WITH HIM!”

“He’s the one in charge. He’s their father, not you. I can’t tell him what he
can and cannot do with his own children. If I go to the police with anything I
suspect or you like to say I know I will be gone I will disappear and I have my
own children to take care of. I have to look the other way here. I’m sorry.”

“He’s been…” I shook my head not even able to verbalize my fear that he had
already been doing things to them. Doing the things that he did to me when I
was little to them.

“I’ve asked them and he’s not,” she answered me, trying to quiet my worries.

“You asked them?” I enquired shocked that she would do that.

“Yes, I asked them,” she said, “I asked them if he had touched them somewhere
that didn’t feel right or made them nervous and they all answered no.”

“What about everyone else? Cat, James?” I asked.

“I haven’t asked them,” she answered.

“Do they not matter?” I asked her.

“No, they matter. You all matter I just can’t keep an eye on everyone,” she
said.

“I managed to for nearly seven months,” I said, “You’re shift is almost over,
isn’t it?” I asked her.

“I’m going to throw the meatloaf in the oven and by the time it’s done it’ll be
time for me to leave yes,” she answered.

“You can leave early. James and Cat are due home any minute. Just let me know
when to take it out,” I told her.

“I can’t do that John, your Dad dismisses me for the day not you,” she told me,
“I’ll leave at the time I’m supposed to unless he says otherwise.”

“Fine,” I said walking away.

A couple minutes later Mike, Matt and James and Cat all came upstairs using the
lift and all sat down at the table quietly Cat looking up at me and smiling
happily when she saw me.

“Hi,” she said coming over to me and hugging me.

“Hi how are you doing?” I asked her.

“I’m ok,” she answered, “Will said you were so sad you needed a doctor to help
you.”

“Yeah,” I answered, “I’m better now though.”

“Good,” she said hugging me tightly around the neck.

“What about you James?” I asked.

He looked at me tired. Like he didn’t want to think about it, dark circles
under his eyes almost like he could fall asleep just sitting there. He sighed.

“I’m ok,” he answered me.

“Hey, are you tired?” I asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said, “I have homework.”

“Can I talk to you a little bit?” I asked him.

“Where?” He asked me.

“My room?” I asked him, “Or yours.”

“I don’t know,” he told me his body language changing.

He was scared of me. Scared I was going to hurt him. Scared that I was like Da,
like Da’s friends. I didn’t want him to be scared of me but I wasn’t sure what
to do exactly having never dealt with Mikey or Matty or Will ever being afraid
of me.

“Hey, we’ll leave the door open all right?” I asked him as I shot a dirty look
at Alice who obviously didn’t have the best intentions for my family.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head and getting up following me to his bedroom and
sitting on his bed.

“Are you ok?” I asked him quietly making sure I sat a little bit away to give
him space, to allow him control.

“Mr. Lord came to see me,” he said his shoulders looking like they were sagging
with weight, a heavy burden that was hard for him to handle, “He’s mean.”

. “I know,” I said nodding my head, “I know he’s mean. Do you remember when I
was there?”

“Yeah, your friend told me to build my castle,” James said nodding his head, “I
try it’s just hard when he…” he started sobbing not even crying just out right
sobbing.

“I know,” I said nodding my head trying not cry myself, “I know.”

He crawled over to me and threw his tiny arms around my neck. I held him. I
held him as he sobbed until he started to hiccup lightly as his sobs started to
quiet down. I wished so badly there was something I could do. It made me beyond
angry that my Da would use my absence to invite Mr. Lord here to hurt my little
brother. To do those things to him.

“I know, you’re safe right now I promise. You’re safe,” I cooed into his ear
rocking him back and forth lightly.

“It hurts so bad,” he whimpered again.

“I know. I remember, I know,” I said kissing his hair.

“Da hurts you like that?” He asked me after he started to quiet again.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, not looking at him, “Yeah I was little like you
when he started hurting me.”

“Like the first time he hurt me? He only ever did it once but now he lets…I
don’t like Mr. Lord I want him to go away,” he moaned burying his head in my
lap.

“Me too,” I agreed, “How many times has he come to see you?”

“Christmas and this time,” he answered, “This time he hurt a lot. Does it
always hurt like that?”

I sighed. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question. What to tell him because I
didn’t know what he could expect, only what I had learned. That everyone was
treated differently. That even Will and I were treated differently and we were
brothers. I remembered the first few times hurt a lot but that after that he
hurt less and less until Da made it hurt differently. Until he changed it so it
was slow, until it…became more what it was at that current time.

“I don’t know,” I answered as honestly as I could.

“Why is it no one knows anything?” He asked me frowning, “I hate Da and I hate
this!” He yelled pushing me away roughly and getting up.

“James,” I said, “James, I’m sorry. I don’t have an answer. I wish I did, I
wish I could make them stop but I can’t.”

“You’re big you can and you don’t,” he hissed at me.

“No, I can’t,” I said feeling like I had been punched in the stomach, “I try. I
do. You know what they do to you? They still do that stuff to me. And it hurts
and it’s not just Da or one person it’s a lot of people ok? And I try to…I tell
them no. I scream and hit and cry and they’re too big even for me ok? I try. I
really do and it just… I’m not strong enough.”

“You do?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I don’t like it either. You know I don’t like it,” I answered.

“Why do they do it?” He asked me suddenly.

“I don’t know. I wish I could give you an answer bud but, I don’t have one. I
think maybe they just like hurting us,” I answered.

“Why?” He asked again.

“I think some people just like being mean,” I answered, “Ok, I think you should
take a nap that you’ll feel better ok? So, nap and I’ll help you with your
homework when you wake up after dinner is ready.”

“You promise?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I promise,” I answered.

I tucked him in as he settled in quietly. I was home maybe only for a couple of
days but still home and I was going to spent it putting things back together.
Pulling my brothers back together emotionally as best I could.

I was worried about Catty too but something about my Da, maybe it was the way
he talked to me always made it feel like my sisters were a second thought. So,
I was less worried about Cat and Laura then I was about everyone else. Because
while Da touched Cat it seemed almost like he either didn’t see her the same
way or she was more prized and precious then we were. Us boys, he passed us
around out to our Uncle, to his friends, to Tony and whoever. But, my sisters
while they were abused by Da and badly and also had to watch my brothers and I
be abused and suffer from that abuse as well. In a way, he kept them to
himself. Only he was allowed to abuse them, they were special to him.

I went out to the kitchen to find the babies up and in their high chairs dinner
being served. I sighed sitting down at the table glad to be home. I told Alice
not to wake James that I would make sure he ate later and that he was tired. I
listened to the happy chatter of Cat and Mike and Matt who seemed very excited
about life in general as Will smiled at them and said silly jokes every once in
a while, making everyone laugh. After the babies were fed Alice stepped out and
the atmosphere changed drastically. Whoever was done eating went off to their
room quietly to finish their homework as the lift opened up and Da came out.

I finished and grabbed Andy on one hip and Mac on the other while Will got up
and grabbed Mary taking Laura by the hand as we got up to leave the table so we
could bathe them and get them ready for bed. I got both the boys to the bedroom
quickly and told them to stay put shutting the door behind me to turn around
and go grab Seamus.

When I got into the kitchen again I frozen dead. Da was holding Seamus rocking
him gently kissing his tiny hand, “Hi baby boy,” he whispered to him, “You’re
beautiful still have your mum’s eyes all of you have her eyes.”

I cleared my throat, “Da, I’ll bathe them.”

“No, that’s all right,” he said, “I can do it.”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” I answered.

He sighed putting Shay down in the highchair just for a minute and looked at
me, “You’re sounding like her you know?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You’re mum. How finnicky she was,” he told me coming close to make causing me
to back up, “It’s ok baby.” He said caressing my cheek lightly.

“You’re not supposed to,” I said closing my eyes, the goose bumps raising on my
skin knowing the way he was looking at me even though I couldn’t see it.
Knowing the things he wanted to do to me were written all over his face.

“I’ll give you some time I promise,” he whispered kissing my cheek wrapping his
arms around my waist making it so I couldn’t get away easily, “But next week I
want some time with you ok? Don’t pretend you don’t want to.”

“I don’t,” I answered my eyes still closed hoping he would just let me go, quit
touching me.

“You do, you always say you don’t but your body and those looks you give me
tell me you do. That’s why I love seeing your face when we’re together because
your eyes always tell me how you really feel,” he told me.

I went numb, blank. I don’t know why. Maybe because I felt like he was right.
That he was telling the truth and I really did want it. Maybe because by then I
had heard it so many times from him that I felt like maybe he knew me better
than I knew myself. I sighed still keeping my eyes closed still not wanting to
see him even if I had to feel him on my skin pushing against me softly, feeling
his breath on the top of my head as he looked at me, as he watched me and felt
me shaking in his grip.

“Good boy,” he barely whispered bending down so he could bury his face in my
neck his hands squeezing my ass making it hard for me to breathe, to think,
“You smell so good. I bet you Leo tells you that all the time, huh?”

My eyes snapped open. I didn’t want to think about Leo. How I was his. How I
had promised him I’d be his. I knew I didn’t belong to myself anymore or maybe
I was just more acutely aware that I never had but thinking about it made me
hate myself even more than I usually did.

“It’s too bad I gave you to him, but I needed a reason otherwise I won’t be
able to help myself because you’re so amazing,” he said pulling away looking
closely at me, that look in his eyes.

“What’s going on Da?” I asked him finally stating my fear, “Why is it getting
worse?”

“Well, I’ve missed all of you so much and before you left I don’t think I was
giving your siblings the attention they need. So, I’m trying to change that.
Hopefully with Leo and Ben’s help everyone will get the attention they need,”
he answered me.

“You mean you’re…” I swallowed, “You’re raping them now too? Who?”

“I don’t rape my children John. I show you guys how much I love you. I teach
you things like a father is supposed to teach his kids,” he told me.

“Fine,” I said relenting, “Who are you teaching now then?”

“Well, I can tell you that I’m not teaching James too much because Mr. Lord has
a soft spot for him. Mikey and Matty well,” he smiled licking his lips thinking
about it, “You’re Uncle has a thing for them and they are pretty boys. Don’t
you think? And twins, twins are always special.”

“And everyone else?” I asked scared to know what he was going to say but not
being able to help myself.

Needing to know, wanting to know was almost like a car wreck. It was horrible
and painful to witness, to see the mangled bodies lying in the street the blood
painting the pavement a shade of red nothing should ever be. But, I couldn’t
look away.

I couldn’t ignore the fact it was in front of me. That the cars had collided
and someone had gone through the windshield their body broken and half exposed
hanging off the front of the hood. I almost had to know. That way I knew how to
comfort them, who I needed to protect the most because I knew I couldn’t
protect them all.

“You mean the babies?” He asked me picking up Seamus kissing his head again,
“Well, they are a bit young for anything really. I remember scolding your uncle
so hard and sending him away when I found him with you that one night. You were
in so much pain, blood everywhere. It looked like he had tried to murder you. I
was so afraid you’d be permanently hurt or so scarred from what he did you
would never let me touch you again. I won’t make the mistake of leaving him
alone with any of them again. Not long enough to do that.”

“And what about Hank?” I asked.

“Who told you Hank had been here?” He asked me.

“Andy,” I answered, “He gave them toys Da. I don’t want Hank around them,
Especially Mac he’s just little Da, he’s not even two yet. He only says a
handful of words.”

“Hank isn’t allowed to touch him like that until I say so,” Da replied, “Don’t
worry I’ll make him wait until he’s older but he’s going to give me a nice
chunk of change for it.”

I felt like I was going to be sick. I had to ask, I had to know, “What do you
mean?”

“Well, Hank is paying me in installments to spend some time with him so that
when it’s time he can…”

“NO!” I shouted making Seamus cry, “DA NO!”

“He won’t hurt,” Da chuckled a little under his breathe at his lie, “Not a lot
anyway.”

“You can’t do that. Da you can’t do that,” I said starting to cry.

“By the time it happens he won’t understand that it’s not normal. When I did it
to you did you know it wasn’t normal?” He asked me.

“What?” I asked him.

“You remember? You know, what was it like?” He asked me.

“I don’t want to talk about this,” I answered going forward to grab Seamus.

“Nope, he’s mine. Maybe you can have him if you answer my question,” Da said
taking a couple steps back from me.

“Da,” I said quietly, “Please. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Were you scared?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Why? Was I not gentle enough? Can you tell me what it was like for you?” He
asked me.

“I knew something was wrong the moment you…,” I stopped feeling like I couldn’t
breathe.

“Go on, it’s ok baby,” he coaxed, “I won’t be mad. I just want to know.”

“When you started talking about sex and then took me into the kitchen alone,” I
answered, “And the ice cream usually that was a treat that we didn’t really
allowed have in the house.”

“So that scared you?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “Da it didn’t… it wasn’t right.”

“You felt that way even after all our special nights together?” He asked me.

“Yes,” I answered, “I don’t know. That always made me feel weird. I didn’t know
why at the time but I always felt like it was wrong. Like I knew that even
though you said it was ok it wasn’t. Especially after Uncle Ben and how when he
baby sat me he would make me do things.”

“Other than the one time I caught him did he do anything else like that, have
sex with you?” He asked me.

I sighed heavily starting to get angry that he was asking me all of this stuff.
Why did he care? Why did it matter? It was over and done with and I was stuck
in this life with him doing whatever he wanted to me, using me for whatever he
felt like using me for. Passing me out to my uncle, to their friends, making
videos of me and posting them online for other people to see, to get off on. I
didn’t understand why he was asking me these questions.

“No, I remember blowing him a lot,” I hissed, “Why?”

“Just curious,” he answered.

“Can I have him now?” I asked gesturing at Seamus.

“Yeah, take your brother. Be good to him,” he said giving Shay a kiss on the
head before handing him to me.

I held him in front of me smiling at him even though I felt like crying and he
smiled back his chubby cheeks growing with light his dimples evident, him being
every bit the 10 months old he was, “Hi baby!” I cooed, “Who’s my chubbiers
huh? Are you Jack’s chubbiers? Yeah! Say yeah I’m your chubbiers” I said
hugging him tightly to my chest cradling his head with my hand.

“Jack?” Da asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know it’s just a nickname.”

“Baby, don’t you already have a million of those? Doesn’t your Uncle already
call you Johnny?” He asked me.

“Yeah but, I don’t know. I don’t like it.” I answered, “Jack is a choice I
made.”

“You don’t get to make choices,” he said his eyes growing cold, “I don’t want
them calling you that, understand?”

“Yes,” I answered nodding my head.

“Good,” he said, “I’ll see you later. Oh yeah, by the way did you see your
room?” He asked me as I turned away.

“Yes,” I answered, “Why?”

“Just wondering what you thought of it,” he said.

“It doesn’t feel like my room anymore,” I answered.

“Well I figured you might like it better than me having to take you downstairs.
Have your own space kind of,” he answered.

I just nodded my head not sure what to say. He just confirmed what I already
knew. That my new bedroom set was for him, not for me. So, he could be with me
and not feel crowded. So he had more room to move around. To sleep with me,
spent the night with me if he wanted to. I went to the nursey where I heard
laughter coming from the bathroom finding Will in there with Laura and Mary
bathing them as they splashed around and giggled at him encouraging Laura to
wash her hair as he scrubbed the shampoo into Mary’s.

We got them finished and ready for bed putting them down and then did Seamus,
Mac and Andy. The same routine only with three little boys instead of two
little girls. It made me feel safer knowing it was Will and I instead of Da. I
didn’t want Da anywhere near them if I could help it because I knew Da and now
that I knew what him and Hank were talking about, planning I was terrified for
my little brother.

I woke up James and helped him with his homework feeding him as Will helped Cat
and Mike and Matt get ready for bed. By 8:30 everyone was in bed besides the
three of us who were sitting at the kitchen table finishing up James’ homework
with him.
“And that’s the last problem,” James said smiling happily, “Does that mean I
can go back to sleep now?”

“Yes, come on go brush your teeth and I’ll tuck you in all right?” I said
rubbing the top of his head.

“Ok, thank you for helping me and for letting me stay up late,” he said to me
hugging me.

“No problem all right? Now go brush your teeth,” I said again shaking my head
as I went and started helping Will with the dishes.

“That’s the happiest I’ve seen him since like Tuesday,” Will told me as I
started drying and putting dishes away.
 
“I heard about what happened,” I said, “Mike told me on the phone.”

“I…I’m sorry,” Will told me.

“You didn’t do it. You’re 11. If I can’t stop it and I’m 13 how do you think
you’re going to stop it?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. I just feel like I didn’t do enough,” he told me.

“What do you mean do enough?” I asked stopping putting the plate in my hand on
the counter looking at him.

Will looked at me and shook his head, “It’s nothing.”

“Will?” I asked, “Will talk to me.”

“What the hell am I supposed to do? You weren’t here, and Mum’s not here and if
it wasn’t me it would be someone else. Uncle Ben I found him last Saturday in
the room with Mike and Matt and he was… I don’t even want to say it was,” Will
shook his head.
“What?” I asked him again.

“He was making one of them blow the other one while he raped that one, he was
making them have an orgy with him,” Will answered me, “I never want to have to
see anything like that again. I don’t know it was…the whole thing was wrong but
one of them the one that wasn’t being spit roasted he didn’t seem all that
upset so I’m pretty sure that was Matt. And just the whole thing was so sick. I
asked Da about it and he said maybe if I was a little nicer those things
wouldn’t happen to them.”

“No,” I shook my head, “No you can’t let him do that to you don’t, please tell
me you didn’t.”

“It’s …If I close my eyes I can pretend it’s not happening.”

“And how often does he let you close your eyes?” I asked him.

“John, I really don’t want to…” Will sighed and I cut him off.

“Talk about it? Yeah tell me about it. I have tried my whole life to keep him
off of you and you’re just letting him do it? You’re using yourself to draw him
away from them? That’s not your job. Your job is to take care of them.” I said.

“Yeah? Well you weren’t here because you decided you would rather be dead then
be with him, so what else was I supposed to do? I hate to say this but you left
a position that needed filling so I’m filling it all right? I understand why
you tried to kill yourself especially after just one week of it, almost a whole
week I get it. I really do and it’s horrible,” Will said, “I don’t blame you
for trying to leave but, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t have to.”

“I didn’t try to kill myself just because of that,” I answered, “I got out of
the hospital on Friday you know that. You saw me at Mass and I told you I’d
tell you where I had been when I got a chance to talk to you again. I was with
Leo. He gave me to Leo. He told me two days before I tried to…between him and
Leo I couldn’t. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t anymore Will. I’m
sorry I didn’t think about anyone else before I tried but I just felt so…dead
already. I still feel dead but at least I’m not stupid enough to try again and
fail.”

“What do you mean he gave you to Leo?” He asked me.

“Contract, it’s when basically someone gives one of them a bunch of money to
have an almost exclusive relationship with their kid. Leo contracted me. He’d
been looking to contract me since he first saw me. When we came back I don’t
know if it’s to punish mum or me or all of us but he agreed. Now every weekend
for the next six months I’m…” Will cut me off.

“You’re spending the weekend with Leo?” Will finished and I nodded my head.

“I’m sorry,” Will said quietly, almost so quietly I didn’t hear him.

“It’s not your fault,” I answered, “It’s probably mine. I didn’t stop her from
taking us. I felt like I needed to be away from him. I didn’t think that would
mean he’d get pissed at everyone. I was hoping it would mean I’d never have to
see him again.”

“John this isn’t your fault either,” Will told me, “If anyone is to blame it’s
him.”

“It doesn’t feel that way,” I answered.

“It’s not,” he said again, “Really it’s not. Can I ask you something?”

“What?” I asked looking at him.

“What was the hospital like?” He asked me.

“A nightmare,” I answered snorting, “They asked him what I hated most and
they…three of the staff there and Leo was my doctor so…it didn’t go very well.
I begged to go home with him because at least if it was him it was only one
person.”

“Shit,” Will said his hand covering his mouth in shock.

“Don’t ever try to kill yourself ok?” I said and Will nodded his head.

“Are you going to be ok?” He asked me.

“I’m happy to be home and that’s something I never thought I would be happy
about,” I answered.

We heard the elevator kick on and both froze looking at each other knowing what
this probably meant. That one of us was going to be raped by him or worse Uncle
Ben was coming upstairs to hurt someone else. I felt like I was being choked
just by the thought of it.

He stepped off the elevator, Da. He was only wearing a pair of PJ pants like he
was ready for bed. Ready to sleep with someone. He looked at both of us
smiling, “Hi beautiful boys,” he said his eyes glancing between us.

“Hi, Da,” Will and I mumbled quietly.

“Hey,” Da said walking towards me.

I looked at Will. He seemed conflicted like he was relieved it wasn’t him but
like he was scared for me all at the same time. I sighed accepting it.
Accepting that he was going to have sex with me. Accepting that if it was me it
wasn’t Will, someone who I tried so hard to protect. Someone who I would do
anything for.

“Hi,” I answered back quietly rubbing the back of my neck lightly shifting my
weight from foot to foot.

“Will you can go to bed,” Da said to him not taking his eyes off of me.

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head shooting me a look that said he was sorry,
“Night John.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

Da barely waited for him to disappear down the hall before he pressed his lips
to mine pushing me hard into the counter barely letting me respond as I pushed
at his chest as hard as I could trying to push him off of me. Trying to get him
to give me some space, any space I could manage to gain. I was still sore
burning from what Leo had done with the metal rod that he had shoved up inside
of me.

“Slow down,” I managed to mutter as he got the last buttons on my shirt undone,
already not wearing my tie or vest having taken them off when I got home.

“But I’ve missed you so much,” he said against my neck making me shiver as he
pushed me hard into the counter behind me forcing the corner into the small of
my back making me hiss in pain.

“What’s wrong?” Da whispered.

“The counter,” I managed to answer as my shirt landed on the counter behind me,
“it’s digging into my back.”

“Oh,” he said laughing lightly, “I’m sorry baby want to go to bed?” He asked me
grabbing my hand and kissing it before taking one of my fingers in his mouth
and sucking on it.

“Ok,” I swallowed nodding my head as he pulled me down the hallway to my
bedroom. Once he got in and closed the door he turned on the light and pulled
my undershirt quickly over my head kissing my neck and shoulders messaging my
collar bone making me squirm as he pushed me backwards onto the new queen-sized
bed.

“You have to be really quiet so we don’t wake anyone up ok baby?” He told me
caressing my face and naked shoulders his hands running up and down my ribs and
face and chest as he kissed my forehead and cheeks.

I nodded my head closing my eyes allowing him to have what he wanted, allowing
him to touch me and run his hands along my skin before he forced his tongue in
my mouth. I didn’t want to do this with him but I also didn’t want him to do it
to my brother.
“No, no baby open your eyes,” he said rubbing my cheek and jaw bone lightly,
“Open your eyes beautiful.” He said again causing me to sigh and open my eyes
his hands going to my fly.

I shook my head and started pulling at his hands trying to stop him. Trying to
get him to understand that I didn’t want to, that this wasn’t something I liked
or enjoyed and I started crying trying to make sure my tears were silent biting
down on my tongue slightly.

“No, no baby it’s ok. It’s ok, I’m just showing you how much I missed you. How
much I love you all right? God, I love you so much baby. I hate it when you
cry. Don’t cry beautiful come on, don’t cry,” he kept repeating kissing my
tears away, kissing my neck and shoulders and face over and over until he
finally got my pants undone, until I was calmer. Until my face was dry.

I remember thinking how this wouldn’t hurt as bad as Leo did but how I had to
be quiet. How I couldn’t tell him to stop because it would make him angry. He
moved getting up for just a minute pulling off his pants and then mine. Taking
off my underwear so we were both naked.

“That’s my precious boy,” he said looking at me and I just felt numb. Knowing I
had to let him or else he would go get someone else. Knowing I couldn’t fight
back or he would probably punch me or choke me. Knowing there was nothing I
could do, “No, look at me beautiful. I want you to be with me ok?” he cooed to
me as he started to kiss down my chest him straddling me as he kissed and
inched his way down my body his hand finding that place where he wanted it to
be in-between us.

“There it is,” he said rubbing harder as he stared into my eyes, “There it is.”

I bit my lips closed turning them into a thin line trying to look past him and
not at him my air caught in my chest. I wanted to breathe like a normal person
but the things he was doing, the things he was making me feel were making me
hate myself. I knew I was going to moan if I opened my mouth, that I was going
to make a sound he usually loved hearing.

“No, look at me baby. Look at me,” he said reaching up and cupping my cheek
tightly, “Oh god yeah, your lips are trembling. It must feel good, huh?”

I whimpered through my tightly closed lips wishing he would let me look away.
Wishing he wasn’t making me look into those cold gray eyes as he made sure I
laid there and let him touch me. I didn’t want to feel this way especially not
with him. Not with any of them.

“You’ll really enjoy this,” he said running his tongue down the center of my
body as I snapped my eyes shut grabbing the iron bars of the headboard above me
and squeezing as his tongue licked down my shaft careful to bite into my lips
instead of screaming or moaning out loud.

It didn’t take him long to tease me enough to make sure I was close to climax.
I didn’t want to orgasm for him. But I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stop
it, to stop my body from giving him what he wanted. His tongue was all over me,
up and down my shaft, licking and sucking my balls making it almost impossible
to stay quiet. Making it impossible to not moan and scream at him to stop
because I didn’t want it, I didn’t want his mouth down there or his hands and
yet they were and I had to let him or else live with the fact it was my fault
it was happening to someone else.

I came hard my whole body shuddering him making sure he shoved his mouth hard
around me to catch every drop as I bit into a pillow I had pulled over my face
to keep me silent. His body moved again to force two wet and sticky fingers up
inside me moving them in and out of me scissoring me as he used his body to
keep my knees spread and bent. When he thought I was ready he moved leaning
forward one hand on my shoulder the other on my hip and he shoved into me.

“DA….” I squealed a little too loudly.

“Shhh, it’s all right. It’s all right. I know just give it a minute and it’ll
feel really good baby and then we can finish together ok? You’re just letting
me know how much you love me all right?” He said and I nodded my head starting
to cry again. Because it hurt. It always hurt at first feeling like I was
trying to crap in reverse an intense pressure pushing from the inside of my
body outward like it always did.

He rubbed my face and shoulders kissing and caressing me as he waited for my
body to adjust around his. Adjust to him being inside me just like it always
did for all of them, for Leo and Hank for those guys that I didn’t even
remember their names. He sighed kissing my cheek.

“Look at me baby,” he said touching my cheek again pulling my eyes back to his.
The thrusts caught me off guard it was fast and hard making me almost wheeze,
“Yeah?” He said doing it again grabbing one of my knees so he could go faster,
be more shallow hitting something inside me making my eyes go wide, “That’s my
beautiful boy.” He moaned quietly into the air tilting his head back as he used
my body for just a second before he looked back into my eyes, “You’re amazing
in every way baby.”
He kept going until I knew I was so close I couldn’t hold it. There was no hope
in even fighting it as I covered my face with my hands and he grabbed them
pulling them away, “No I want you to look at me while you help me feel good ok
baby? I want you to see how much I love you.”

He bumped against that spot just right two or three more times after that and
then I came my whole body tightening around his causing him to climax as well.
The then pulled out and laying forward, laying his head on my chest kissing my
chest and neck
“That’s my good boy. God, I love you. You’re such a good boy,” he kept
whispering into my chin, “God I missed you so much baby, so much.”

I laid there waiting for him to let me move. Waiting for him to tell me he was
done that I could get up and shower and then I realized it was Da. That it
wouldn’t be that easy. That he would make me lay there with him covered in our
sweat and cum and sleep with him or try to sleep.

“Do you need some water or anything? I can go to the kitchen and grab it,” he
asked me.

“Can I have a drink?” I asked before I realized what I was saying. What I was
asking for.

“You mean alcohol?” He asked me kissing my neck again causing me to turn away
and nod my head.

“Yeah baby I can do that,” He told me, “I’ll be back.” He said kissing me on
the lips quickly, “Don’t go anywhere.”

He got up and left. I curled into a ball knowing that he meant what he said
when he said not to go anywhere, feeling his cum running down the back of my
thighs. I didn’t want to have to feel him on my skin like that anymore. I
didn’t want to feel him dripping out of me. When he came back into the room I
jumped a little the sound of the door opening startling me. He showed me a
bottle of beer. I had had beer before back on the road before we had made it to
Montana. It wasn’t my favorite but it would do. I took it and drank it as fast
as I could making sure it was all gone hoping it could actually relax me enough
to fall asleep before he started licking his way down my stomach again.

“No,” I shook my head. Pushing him away knowing he was going to go down on me
again. I didn’t want it. I would rather just go to sleep.

“Oh, come on baby,” he said, “I gave you a beer you should be feeling good.
Nice and relaxed, it’ll make it easy for you to cum for me.”

“I don’t want to,” I answered shaking my head.

“Yeah you do. I know you have more in there for me,” he said.

“Daddy please?” I asked him, doing something I didn’t usually do. Call him
Daddy.

He smiled at me in that way that made my heart sink knowing he was going to
anyway even though I was begging him not to. It made me feel sick to my stomach
avoiding his gaze hoping he would change his mind if he saw how much it hurt.
If he saw how sad it made me.

He didn’t though, he never did he always did whatever he wanted. After he made
me cum he kissed me hard on the lips forcing his tongue in my mouth holding me
tightly using his body to press me against the mattress. I was done. I wanted
to be done. After a couple of minutes, he stopped and got off of me.

“Let’s get to sleep ok baby?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “I love you,
goodnight.”

“I love you too, night,” I said rolling over and curling into the fetal
position.
***** 24 *****
Chapter Summary
     John spends the day at school talking with his friends and worrying
     about the situation. Along with the upcoming party that weekend.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 442 to 461. Thank you everyone for sticking with me. If you're
     wondering what happened I had a seven real relationship just end and
     I think it will take me a while to get back into the swing of things
     fully but, I'm going to try my best to keep editing and posting what
     I have already written. It's just hard to concentrate on the writing
     part right now so please forgive me if after everything is posted
     updates start to slow down. That and I'm going back to school and
     taking a serious look at my life and things that I need to change in
     order to make myself happy. Warnings Rape/Non-con, Talking of
     childhood sexual abuse, cult abuse, code, forced oral, underage
     kissing, underage smoking
I think because he wasn’t touching me it was easier for me to fall asleep. That
and I was exhausted and in my own room for once. I had a horrible dream though
which I vaguely remember. I was under water. The surface right there but every
time I went to surface I couldn’t, something was trapping me under the water as
I ran out of breath. I could see the world above me, the air just right there.
Right out of reach. Then my alarm that I didn’t ever remember setting woke me
up.

“Come on baby, time to shower ok,” My Da said rubbing the back of my neck
waking me up, “Time to get ready for school.”

It took me a minute to realize where I was. That I wasn’t downstairs in his
bedroom but that we were in my bedroom. I couldn’t shake the sleep for some
reason like my body wasn’t ready to wake up. That is until my Da’s hand
starting wandering from where it was on my hip down my front.

“Oh,” I said jumping up still half asleep as I heard him laugh lightly behind
me.

“Still asleep enough that you aren’t ready for that huh? I could take care of
that for you. your morning wood,” he said pointing at my stomach as I turned to
look at him.

“No, I’m all right,” I answer getting up and going into the bathroom turning on
the shower.

It was heaven. The water washing the crusty dried cum off my stomach and back
side, making me feel clean at least as clean as it ever made me feel. When I
was done showering I went to turn off the water and open the curtain but my
Da’s hand shot out from behind it grabbing mine.

“Da please,” I said backing up into the corner of the shower.

“It’s ok, there’s not time for that. I’m going to shower ok? Just go get
dressed and then get the kids ready yeah?” He said to me rubbing my wet hair as
he climbed in the shower still naked from the night before.

I quickly got dressed. Not wanting to be naked and then went and woke up
everyone so Da wouldn’t have to. I changed Mac and Seamus into day clothes and
as I grabbed Andy Will walked in and grabbed him from me. I sighed looking at
the clock on the side table. It was almost time for me to leave for school.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“I’ll be all right,” I answered not wanting to talk about it. Not wanting to
think about it.

“You sure?” Will asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered, “It is what it is. I’m awake. I’m going to school where
hopefully things won’t be too bad until…” I felt my heart jump with panic I was
supposed to let Finick do things today and I didn’t want him to but it would
keep me free of school work in that class so that I didn’t have to deal with
Leo and school work at the same time.

“I have to go,” I sighed finishing dressing Andrew, “Can you dress Laura and
Mary for me so Da doesn’t…”

“Yeah,” Will said nodding his head, “Thank you. For last night, I mean.”

“It’s nothing,” I answered, “I’ll see you when I get home all right? I love
you.”

“Yeah, love you too,” he said grabbing Mary, “Hi Marbear, good morning…” I
heard him coo as I shut the nursery door.

I grabbed my bag and put on my shoes using the lift to get downstairs and going
out the back door to the bus stop where Pat and Cole were already standing. I
wasn’t sure I wanted to talk. I knew I didn’t want to be touched and that last
night I had my first beer in over 8 months. I knew things weren’t going well
for me and I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone.

“Hi Rabbit,” Pat said quietly, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I answered.

“Rabbit, please,” Pat begged me talk to him, “You don’t want to talk in front
of Cole? We can step away for a couple of minutes. Just don’t shut me out,
please.”

“Babe,” I said placing a hand on his shoulder, “I just don’t want to talk about
it.”

“Rabbit, don’t shut down,” he said to me, begged me.

“Pat, please? Not today, ok? I have other stuff I have to deal with today and I
can’t start my school day like this. I want to pretend everything is fine until
it’s not. At least for today. Please?” I begged him.

He sighed a nodded his head, “Ok, all right. I can do that for you but if you
feel like you need to talk, please talk to me.” He said hugging me.

I hugged him back. He felt so good, so warm and gentle and calming. I almost
started crying wishing that I could have that. That I could have him like that
against my skin instead of through that stupid uniform. That I could have his
lips on me, have him love me.

“Hey,” he whispered into my ear, kissing my ear lobe lightly, “It’s ok. We’ll
have a good day at school all right?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head before pulling away and looking into his eyes,
“Yeah we’ll be ok.”

Cole cleared his throat as he saw the bus coming up the road. When it stopped
we hopped on. Dom was there and I was happy to see him however, Dick was also
there and I had almost forgotten Dick rode the bus with me. How lovely. I felt
like someone had just punched me in the chest knocking the air out of me as I
took a seat next to Pat and Dick moved seats to sit in the one in front of us.

“Morning,” Dick said.

“Morning Dickwad,” Pat answered.

“Nuhuh, you have to be nice to me. Don’t you Johnny?” Dick said looking at me
smiling.

“Rich,” I said using his real nickname, “Not today please.”

“Why not? You want me to tell everyone?” He asked me.

“They already know,” I spat back.

“What are you guys talking about?” Pat asked me quietly.

“Who Johnny is banging,” Rich said making me cringe as he used that nickname.

“What the hell do you know about anything?” Pat hissed

“Guess who is Da is?” I said looking at Pat.

“You’re kidding me,” Pat said raising an eyebrow at Dick, “Well in that case
you might want to watch it because personally I’d be embarrassed to let
everyone know who my dad was.” he hissed at Dick putting an arm around my
shoulder.

He frowned looking at me and then Pat and then Dom, “Oh,” he said something
dawning on him, “And I thought…oh this is good.”

“Don’t get any ideas,” Pat warned taking his hand off my shoulder.

“Does my dad know?” He asked me.

“We’re just friends,” I answered in barely a whisper.

“Now see, I’m not so sure about that. You’re either banging him or your banging
Dom so which one is it? Because Cole is not your type but between Dom and him
my Money is on the black stallion here,” Dick smirked.

“I’m not a fucking horse and we’re just friends. I have my own arrangement I
have to be loyal to. I’m sure you catch my drift,” Pat said.

“That doesn’t mean you don’t step out,” Dick said, “I personally prefer other
outlets but whatever I’m not here to judge but if I were you guys I’d be more
careful about who knows.”

“We’re not doing anything,” I said, “I swear.”

“You swear?” Dick said.

“Yes, he’s my friend there is nothing going on,” I answered not looking at him
or Pat not wanting to be sitting in that seat anymore.

If Rich didn’t believe me he could get Pat or I killed. He could tell Leo and
Leo for sure would do something bad to Pat. Because just like my Da Leo viewed
me as his property. His play toy who had no rights and no say in what happened
to them.

“Ok,” he said sitting back looking towards the front of the bus.

Pat pinched my arm lightly getting my attention quietly, “He’s Leo’s son?” He
said barely audible, more like he was mouthing the words instead of saying
them.

I nodded my head in reply.

“How the fuck did we not know?” He mouthed at me.

“I didn’t know he had a son until Saturday,” I answered mouthing back the
words.

Pat sighed heavily shooting me a concerned look. I was honestly not really in
the mood to care about it because I had other more important things to worry
about. Like who was going to be sucking my Dick after the last bell rang
because, father Finick had made it very clear to me that’s what he was
interested in doing. I was so tired of being scared and used that I felt numb
most of the time. Not being able to get them off my skin just made everything
worse. I was now to the point where I was angry about not being able to have
any say in my life and not being able to protect my siblings.

I wasn’t trying to be mean to Pat. I really wasn’t but, I couldn’t stand the
fact I had no say in anything. I couldn’t stand thinking about how I was Da’s
during the week and then Leo’s during the weekend and that I belonged to any of
my teachers whenever they wanted me. I hated my life, and myself and the fact
that I was a weak little bitch who couldn’t do anything about it. Life wasn’t
supposed to be like this and I knew that. I didn’t know what life was supposed
to be like but, I knew it wasn’t supposed to be like it was.

When the bus stopped in front of the school Dick didn’t wait for us to get off
the bus. He just hurried away. I felt relief at that. Not having it rubbed in
my face that his Da basically owned me, controlled me along with the rest of
the brotherhood.

We went to our spot. Pat giving me a cigarette and handing me the lighter. I
felt tired.

“Holy shit did you know Dom?” Cole asked Dom.

“Know what?” Dom asked.

“That Dick was Leo’s son, didn’t you hear any of the conversation?” Cole asked
Dom.

“No, I was kind of enjoying the feeling of not having a dick up my ass at 8 in
the morning for the first time in around 3 weeks,” Dom answered.

“That was blunt,” Tosh said coming through the bushes a branch smacking him in
the face making me laugh for some reason causing everyone to look at me.

“Sorry,” I said, “it’s just he said something was blunt and then got hit
with…never mind.”

“A blunt object?” Pat said smiling at me like he was trying not to laugh.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “I’m sorry I’m just…”

“No,” Tosh said shaking his head, “it is ok.”

“Ok so what did I miss?” Dom asked me.

“Dick, our lovely bus companion is Leo’s son,” I answered.

“And Leo is…oh! Well, shit,” Dom said shaking his head.

“Yeah, how did we not know this? isn’t Dick your neighbor Dom?” Cole asked him.

“Yeah well, all I knew was his dad was a doctor. It’s not like I got to see his
face or anything,” Dom answered, “Hell, I didn’t even realize Leo was Leo until
yesterday when I finally got a good look at his face because he was dealing
with Burgess and paperwork.”

“What happened to Adam?” I asked curious. Remembering how nice he had been to
me. How he was a one and stuck in even worse shit then I was.

“Well,” Dom sighed, “Guess who has a new foster brother?”

“Wait what?” Cole asked frowning, “You mean you’re with a one now?”

“Well, for now if Pop likes him he’ll be a two and he’ll start school with us,”
Dom said shrugging his shoulders.

I must have visibly tensed because I remembered meeting Dom’s dad’s at Mass
that past Sunday. The looked they had given me. How they had talked about that
thing that at the time I had no clue what it was and still wasn’t really sure
because I hadn’t had it explained. That someone shoving a metal rod up my
urethra was that sounding actually was.

“You ok?” Pat asked me suddenly.

“huh, yeah I’m fine just…I don’t know,” I said taking the last drag on my cig
and crushing it under my foot, “Dom?”

“Yeah?” Dom asked me.

I ran a hand through my hair nervously. I wasn’t sure what to do exactly. How
to ask was I was going to ask but I needed to know. That way if I saw them at
the party I knew which one was more dangerous which one he was talking about,
“Which one is pop Lou or Tanner?”

Dom’s eyes went wide, “I huh…can I tell you later?”

“Yeah, sorry I was just wondering because of…well stuff,” I answered.

“No, it’s ok. I mean, I just…not right now, all right?” He said and I nodded my
head.

“Wait,” Cole said furrowing his brow, “When did you meet them? Because I’ve
never met them.”

“I have,” Pat said, “Dom doesn’t tell me much about them and apparently I’m not
their type so…whatever.”

“You’re too loud Pat,” Dom said his cheeks flushing slightly as he became
really interested in the dirt under his feet.

Just then the bell rang, “What classes do you have Dom?” Cole asked suddenly
looking for a subject change.

“First hour is Carlson, second is Finick, 3rd is Donahue, forth is Clarrick,
and then Gym and T.A. which I don’t know who I have for those,” Dom replied,
“Why?”

“Oh, you have like 3 classes with me.” Cole said.

“And one with us,” Pat answered.

“Awesome,” Dom said smiling, “At least I don’t have to be tortured alone.”

“Well, let’s get going boys,” Pat said putting an arm around my shoulder again.

I reached up and grabbed his hand bringing it to my lips and kissing the back
of it. I loved him. I really did and I loved the fact that he had quit asking
questions about my mood. About how I was feeling and had just accepted I was
having a bad day.

“Aww,” Tosh said smiling at us as I turned and buried my face in his shoulder
forgetting that I was surrounded my everyone not really thinking about the
gesture before I did it.

“I think someone just got embarrassed,” Cole said smirking lightly.

“Come on guys. Don’t give him a hard time,” Pat said lightly, “We’ll catch up
ok?”

“Yeah, don’t take too long,” Cole said laughing lightly as they started to walk
away, Dom hitting him lightly on the back as if to say shut up.

“Hey,” he said smiling at me his eyes lighting up, “What was that for?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “Because I love you and I know I’m being a shit
today. I just wanted you to know I’m not mad at you.”

“I figured you weren’t rabbit. I just figured you had been away from home for
about a week and one of them decided to …do what they do so you just weren’t in
the mood to think about it or talk about it. That’s ok. I’m ok with that, I
understand. I may not have to deal with it myself anymore but, I remember what
it’s like,” he told me taking me in his arms, “It’s ok for you to not want to
talk about things but when you do, I’m here.”

He ran his hands down my shoulders grabbing my forearms lightly and leaned in
kissing me. At first it was only a small peck and then I pulled him closer to
me forcing myself into his arms deepening our kiss. His tongue rolling across
mine sending goose bumps up my arms making heat pool in all the right places
for just a second before he broke our kiss.

“Come on,” he said giving my hand a little squeeze before he let it go still
smiling at me, “We’re going to be late if we don’t hurry up.”

We walked to class together. Math went by rather quickly work sheets and book
reading and then after that class we stopped by our lockers and grabbed our
stuff for gym. I had been assigned to Gym last year but barely remembered it at
all because I was usually sick or excused for one reason or another so this was
my first real gym class.

When we got to gym class there was a young guy standing there around the same
age as Luke the T.A who was also standing there both in their typical priest
dress of black slacks and short sleeved cassocks. Both with their hands behind
their backs waiting for us to come into the room.

“Line up against the walls gentlemen,” Luke said watching as the room slowly
filled in before the final bell rang.

He waited a couple minutes for everyone to settle into the line we had formed
against the wall and grow silent and then he cleared his throat and spoke, “Now
we are short on fathers this year so Brian and I will be teaching gym this
year. You can call us Sir or Mr. Luke and Mr. Brian don’t call us father we
haven’t earned the right to be called father yet. In gym we’ll be covering
different units our first unit will be basketball and then we’ll be moving on
from there. At the beginning of a unit we’ll go over the rules of the sport,
the way you should conduct yourself and pick teams. At the end of the unit
we’ll have a final game and the team that wins will get to pick a movie for our
movie day after we take a test to see what you learn.

For today though we will just be taking your size that way we can make sure you
have uniforms for next class on Thursday. You will be dressed every day for
class. There is no reason for you to take your gym uniform home with you at the
end of the week you will throw them in the bin by the showers and they will be
washed and ready for you on Tuesday. At the end of Tuesday again you will throw
them in the bin so they will be washed for Thursday. Now please follow me…” he
said starting to walk away.

I turned and looked at Pat who started walking forward and followed him. We
followed Luke into a huge locker room that looked actually really clean and
new, “Ok,” Luke said turning around when everyone was in the locker room, “This
is the office Mr. Brian and I share, you don’t come in here unless you are
injured or we ask to speak to you privately for misconduct or other reasons.
Over there is obviously the bathrooms, no one changes in the stalls. A part of
this class is learning how to accept one another and treat each other with
respect when everyone is at their most vulnerable. I think we can all agree
being naked makes you feel pretty vulnerable. It will teach you humility. So, a
good way to earn misconduct would be changing in the stall. So, don’t do it.
Over there, you will pick a locker in the second or third row. That will be
your locker for the school year. You will shower after gym class before you
change back into your uniforms and you will be prompt.

“Ok,” Brain said looking at us lazily, “I want everyone to strip down to their
underwear. You can keep your undershirts and socks on and when I call your name
you will come into the office. I will measure you and get your sizes and then
you will come out here, put your uniform back on and go sit out in the gym.
Dilero,” He called out and some kid near me started taking his clothes off and
we all did the same.

I felt slightly naked even though I was allowed to keep my shirt on which I was
thankful for. I didn’t want to be topless. I hated being without a shirt
because usually that meant someone caressing me or touching me and usually that
started at my collar bone or chest and worked its way down. I sighed and sat
down on the bench lining the main hallway next to Pat and Dom, Pat to my left
and Dom to my right.

“So…” Dom said looking at me, “How was your first day home?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to talk about that, “It was nice to see
my brothers and sisters and yours?”

“It was ok,” he said, “It feels weird sharing a room with someone. Otherwise
it’s, I don’t know,” he answered.

“He’s already at your house?” Pat asked quietly.

“Yeah, I mean it’s not the first time I’ve spent time in the same space as him.
He’s not a bad guy. It’s just, I don’t know,” Dom said, “He’s a nice guy and
everything. I just… he makes me nervous.”
“Why?” I asked, “There’s nothing wrong with him. Like you said he’s not a bad
guy.”
“Not a bad guy? You do realize why he was there right?” Dom asked me.
“Yes. Yes, I do and I have to say while I don’t agree with it I understand it,”
I answered.
“You understand someone trying to…” I shot Dom a look telling him to shut up.
“Wait this is about that guy that your parents took in, right?” Pat asked Dom.
“Yeah,” Dom answered him.
“What did he do?” Pat asked us.
I pulled Pat close to me, “He tried to suffocate his foster brother Eli. Eli is
like three or four. He told me he was trying to protect him from the guy he was
with because they are in the brotherhood. Do you know what it’s like to be a
one?”

“No, I’ve heard stories but like, not really,” Pat whispered back, “Why?”

“Apparently you don’t have a real family they sell you to people and you move
all over all the time. You have no one. He was doing the only thing he could
think of to keep this kid from getting raped, from becoming like us. In his
mind, he was trying to spare him. So, he tried to kill him. He tried to kill
Eli because he cared about him.” I explained.

“That’s really screwed up,” Pat said.

“Yeah but, wouldn’t you do the same for Charlie? If you thought it would have
kept him safe?” I asked looking at Pat closely.

He thought silently for a moment and then nodded his head sadly. Charlie hurt.
Pat had loved Charlie with his whole being as much as I loved my little
brothers and sisters. As much as Pat probably loved them as well. If it was the
only thing I could really think of to keep them safe I would have done it too.
But there was still a chance we might get away, a chance that next time we
escaped they wouldn’t find us. We would just have to be more careful next time,
better prepared. Maybe even leave the US all together.

“Dom,” Pat said looking at him, “This guy doesn’t sound dangerous to me, you’re
fine. He’s not a bad guy. He wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. He was trying to
save him.”

“Yeah well if he tries to save me like that I’m going to murder him,” Dom said,
“I’ve been in this shit for too long to let it end like that.”

“I doubt he would,” I assured Dom, “It’s already happening. There isn’t
anything to spare you from.”

“Ah,” Dom said, “Yeah, still not convinced he’s not dangerous.”

“He’s not,” I said again, “I’ll talk to him. Bring him to the park.”

“Yeah, I can’t do that,” Dom said looking at his hands shaking his head, “He’s
on lock down. Will be for a while. I can let him know you’re wondering about
him but that’s it. I can’t get him out of the house.”

“Let him know,” I replied.

“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head.

“Kingly,” Mr. Brian said and Pat stood up.

“Wish me luck,” he said.

“Don’t let him touch your junk,” Dom joked.

“Man, that’s not funny,” Pat said laughing and shaking he head as he walked
away.

“He’s really not a bad guy though. He thought it was the only way to keep him
safe,” I said referring to Adam.

“So, you think I should really give him a chance?” He asked me.

“Yeah, he’s a nice guy Dom. For real. He was just trying to keep Eli safe. It
was the only way he could think of, the only way that made sense. If I was
smart I would…” I sighed, “That doesn’t really matter now though.”

“You’re thinking of killing your siblings?” Dom asked me quietly his eyes going
wide with worry glancing around to make sure no one was listening.

“I don’t know. It’s something my Da said. I don’t want to talk about it,” I
answered.

“Well if it has you thinking about that. It’s something serious that you need
to share with someone,” Dom said, “You wouldn’t just think that, doing that was
better than them being with you for no reason.”

“I can’t protect them anymore Dom. Hank, don’t tell Pat please don’t tell Pat
this,” I said looking at Dom who nodded his head in confirmation, “I have a
brother who is like us…who shares that trait we have and he’s only just about
to turn two and Hank is already…”

“Oh no,” Dom said putting his head in his hands, “No no, no.”

“Yeah,” I said feeling like I was about to start crying, “And maybe just, it’d
be better you know? I hate thinking it but maybe, maybe Adam is right. Maybe
that’s the only thing I can do.”

“No, he deserves life. A life where this won’t happen. For all you know Hank
won’t ever…” Dom started to say.

“Yes, but you and I both know it could and it probably will and I …,” I had to
stop talking about it, I couldn’t deal with talking about this right now.

“Listen, all you can do if be here for him if it happens ok? He’s little. There
is no way Hank is going to go after someone that little,” Dom told me grabbing
my hand in support.

“We don’t know that,” I said, “Adam said I should know about the people in my
life about their…stuff and I don’t know about him. I don’t know anything about
him other than he likes pain. What about you?”

“I know he likes red hair and pain,” Dom answered as Pat reappeared.

“Hey,” Pat said sitting down, “You two ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “How was it?”

“Uncomfortable but otherwise no big deal. Mr. Luke cleared his throat at one
point when Mr. Brain was measuring my inseam a little too long but otherwise
things seemed ok,” Pat answered, “You two sure you’re ok?” Pat answered the
question.

“Yeah,” Dom said nodding his head, “Yeah we’re fine.”

It didn’t take long after that for them to call my name. When they did I got up
and walked to the front into the office where Brain shut the door. He was tall
but didn’t seem scrawny at all. His hazel eyes seemed cold, almost like there
was nothing there and made me gulp. He was the complete opposite of Luke who
seemed kind and gentle giving off this hard cold and creepy demeanor. Just
being a room with him made me feel sick to my stomach.

“Ok arms out like this,” He said demonstrating how he wanted me to stand and
taking the measuring tape to measure me.

It felt weird having him that close to me. His measuring tape going around my
neck to measure there first and then measuring me from shoulder to fingertip
and then from shoulder to shoulder. He then measured around my chest to see my
shirt size as he called out the numbers to Luke who was writing them down.

“And how much do you weigh?” Brain asked me.

“Like 95 pounds I guess?” I estimated.

“Ok, I’m going to do your inseam and then up on the scale,” he said measuring
there but doing it quickly. Apparently since he had been warned about spending
too much time near certain people’s crotches.

When he was done I hopped up on the scale and they took my weight. 97 pounds. I
went to get off the scale but Mr. Brain put his hand against my back making me
freeze. Last time I had someone leaning over me like this they were thinking
bad things and they made me do things I didn’t want to do and it made me
nervous.

“Brain why don’t you step out for just a second,” Luke said looking at us.

“Really?” Brain kind of laughed, “Didn’t think you were the type but whatever,”
Brain said.

“I’m not, I’m asking him a personal question. Don’t be a pervert or I’ll report
you,” Luke warned.

“Great way to take a joke man,” Brain said, “I’ll be back.” He left shutting
the door behind him.

“I’m just going to take your height ok?” He said.

“Yeah sorry. I don’t like being naked, I mean I know I’m not naked naked but
I…” I tried to explain my nervousness.

“Does this have to do with Father McClairen and last year?” He asked me
quietly.

“You remember that?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said nodding his head slowly, “I know Father McClairen can sometimes
be inappropriate which is why he’s not allowed to be alone with students. Did
he make you uncomfortable?”

“I…” I shook my head, “Can you just get my height and let me leave so I can get
dressed please?”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “You don’t have to be afraid. If you ever want
to talk you can come talk to me.”

“Thanks, can you just…” I gestured at the scale.

“Yes, of course,” he said adjusting the scale.

“Why did you need to do this anyway? Can’t you just do a small medium or large
type of deal?” I asked.

“We could but the dimensions help us make sure you are modestly covered for
outdoor things like soccer in the spring and also help give us an idea of what
type of strap and cup you need that sort of thing.” He told me as he opened the
door and let me leave.

I didn’t waste any time getting my clothes back on because I was tired of
feeling so exposed. When I sat back down Pat was watching me closely,
concerned. I could see it in his face he was afraid they had hurt me. I sat
down next to him.

“What?” I asked.

“You ok?” He asked me quietly.

“Yeah, I’m fine I, I don’t know I’m just having a bad day ok?” I said and he
nodded his head.

“Ok,” he said and I saw him clench and unclench his fist. I could tell he was
upset maybe not with me but worried about me. That day I felt off, that entire
day. Especially after talking to Dom about Mac. I felt guilty that I wanted to
spare him, to save him from Hank.

Class ended shortly after that and we headed off to our next class. Pat wanted
to stop and grab my hand I could tell. He didn’t want to deal with Gus and I
didn’t want him to have to but it was one of those things. The class seemed to
go quietly. It was mostly reading and then there was some discussion of the
godlessness of the Egyptians before lunch.

It felt weird McClairen almost ignored the two of us completely. It allowed my
mind to relax enough to focus on my school work. I managed to get any and all
paperwork done that we had to do before class was over. I don’t remember lunch
most of it being a blur. The day felt like it slipped away from me until the
last bell rang. I wanted to get on the bus with them but instead I made sure I
took my time going through my locker and then waited until Pat was gone. When I
knew the buses were gone I went to Finicks classroom.

“Hi there,” he said coming up and shutting the door. Locking it behind me, “Are
you going to be good today?”

I nodded my head. I knew I had to do it. That I couldn’t draw attention and my
Da had made it very clear I had to do whatever Finick told me to do. I closed
my eyes and undid my belt taking a deep breath because I didn’t want this to
happen but I knew I had no choice, no right.

“Yeah?” He said coming up to me pushing my hands aside so he could finish
undoing my pants as he shoved his tongue in my mouth. His stubble scratched me
making me want to pull away but I didn’t. I closed my eyes and I let him do
what he wanted to.

He picked me up making me sit on a table top and sat in the chair bending
forward. His face in my crotch. It didn’t take long for him to start sucking me
off. My face turning red with embarrassment. Honestly, he wasn’t that good at
it. I remember a fair number of teeth my heart hammering in my chest just
wanting it to be over. Wanting him to finish.

I let him make me orgasm and then he got up. I thought he was done but then he
pushed me back against the table I was sitting on his hands starting to undo my
shirt from the bottom up trying to expose me completely.

I started shaking. I just wanted to go home. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I
didn’t want to do it at all to begin with, “Please?” I whimpered.

“God, I want you this weekend,” he moaned into my neck, “I want to hear you beg
as I fuck you.”

“No, no no,” I shook my head trying to keep myself quiet as I started to freak
out.

“It’s ok, can I ask you question?” He said looking at me.

“Am I allowed to not answer?” I asked.

“Well, I can’t force you to but, if you do I’ll stop right here right now for
now because honestly I well…nothing is better than hearing you guys beg.
Anyway, has your Dad made you spend time with your brothers yet? Because that’s
always hot.” He asked me.

“Almost,” I answered, “He jacked me off in Will’s face but that’s as close as
it’s gotten.”

“Ok, well tell your Daddy I’d be interested in seeing that on video or in
person when it does happen,” Father Finick told me, “Let’s go. I’ll take you
home.”

He wanted for me to do up my pants and fix my clothing so that I didn’t look
like I had just been fondled and then he drove me home in silence the whole
way. When we got home I was just glad to be away from him. Away from the damned
school where bad things happened.

When I got inside the house and upstairs everything seemed ok. Dinner was on
the stove and Alice was getting ready to leave. Da didn’t come to see me that
night instead he slept with Will. I never understood that. Why he did that.
Moving upstairs and sleeping with us. Taking turns in our bed’s. Mine and
Will’s. I don’t know if he did it because mum wasn’t around or because he
preferred us. I still haven’t really figured it out.

I don’t remember anything eventful happening not even on mass Wednesday
morning. Nothing interesting really happened until Friday afternoon at lunch.
My stomach was turning because I knew I was going home with Leo. That he was
going to do things to me I didn’t want. That the moment he probably got me in
his house he was going to start touching me in ways I didn’t want to be
touched. It made it hard to eat, hard to think.

“Hey,” Pat said looking at me closely putting his fork down, “You’re not
eating. What’s going on?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I’m not hungry.”

“Come on,” he said motioning for me to follow him.

I did and he took me to the bathroom down the hallway where he shut the door
quietly behind us. He then made sure no one was in the bathroom before
speaking, “This is about Leo, isn’t it? He has you nervous?”

“I…don’t want to do this. I feel like I’m downing. I know what he’s going to do
and I don’t want him to make me feel like that. To use me like that,” I broke.
I started crying and Pat hugged me.

“I know Rabbit, I know,” he said hugging me to his chest, “I know I’m sorry. I
wish I could make him leave you alone.”

“I just want you. I don’t want anyone else,” I begged hugging him closer
pulling him tighter to me.

“I know,” he said, “Me too but, we can’t.”

“I want to so much though because you make them go away. You make my body feel
like it’s mine and not theirs. I don’t want it to be theirs anymore. I want it
to be mine. I don’t want them to be able to…” I words got stuck in my throat
causing me to cough. I really didn’t want Leo anywhere near me. Especially with
those metal rods he had used which I had tried to forget but couldn’t get out
of my head.

“I’m sorry Rabbit, I wish I could stop them. I wish I could tell them to leave
you alone and I could pluck out their eyes so they could never look at you like
that again. So, you would always be safe but I can’t, not yet,” Pat said
holding me tightly, “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want to go home with him,” I told Pat, “I’m scared. I’m so scared of
what my Da is going to do to them while I’m gone.”

“Your brothers?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “I’ll check in on them ok?
Your Da and Uncle don’t seem to be interested in me thankfully so maybe I can
get Will to let me up, and I’ll hang out for a while. That way I can make sure
they’re safe? I know it’s not really a good solution but you know I would never
let anyone hurt them.”

“Would you do that? You and Cole? Just don’t let Cole make out with my brother
please,” I said causing myself to smile and Pat to laugh in response.

“You know he wouldn’t do that if he was doing you a favor. That and Cole and
Tosh are getting pretty serious,” Pat told me.

“Good so you think that’s over with?” I asked drying my tears with the back of
my hand.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. He really seems to like Tosh a lot even though I think
he’s trying to keep it casual just because he doesn’t want things to end the
way they did with Justin. But, they seem to really like each other so I think
Will’s chastity is safe.” Pat said.
“Yeah sure,” I said rolling my eyes, “Now I just have to worry about my Da and
his disgusting friends and my Uncle…none of them are safe in any means of the
word.”

“Ok yeah it was a bad joke, sorry Rabbit,” Pat said getting serious, “I’ve got
your back though. As much as I can. If you need anything from me, to check in
on them and make sure they are ok that they aren’t being hurt. Just tell me and
I’ll do it in a heartbeat ok? I love you. I’d do anything I can for you even if
it’s hanging out with your little sisters and playing Barbie’s dolls for a
couple hours every day on the weekend all right?” He said pressing his forehead
to mine giving me that warm connection I needed. That touch I had been craving
so badly.

I sighed allowing myself to relax. Massaging the back of his neck, allowing
myself to melt into him as he wrapped his arms gently around me. We didn’t kiss
but I wanted to. I wanted to pull his lips to mine and feel his tongue roll
across mine and steal my breath in a good way. I wanted him to make my chest
heave with want and desire, feel my body tingle with warmth and love. He kissed
my forehead and untangled us pulling away gently unlocking my hands from around
his neck.

“Let’s hurry up before the bell rings ok? Just a little bit of Gus left and
then just two classes. And then you can think of me all right? Think of me
protecting them as best we can while you can’t be there for them. I love you
and we can do this. We can get through this weekend, this party and be ok and
then Monday, after he drops you off if you really want to we’ll head to our
place the bird watching house and we’ll spend some time together just me and
you. We’ll be careful though all right?” He said to me.

I smiled at him sadly, “Ok.” I nodded my head.

I still didn’t want to go with Leo. I didn’t want to be away from them, or with
him but knowing Pat would check on them and Cole, that they would hopefully
keep Lord and Hank away or at least keep me informed of what was going on that
made me feel better. It gave me some relief to know that even if I wasn’t ok
that hopefully they would be.

Pat went to the door and I followed behind him and before he opened the door he
kissed me quickly on the lips and then we headed towards McClairen’s classroom.
McClairen kept staring at Pat, making me nervous. I didn’t want him looking at
Pat like that. Thinking of him hurting Pat made me angry. No one was allowed to
touch him like that and I could see it written all over McClairen’s face that
it was something he wanted to do and was just waiting for an excuse to do it.

“And then what did they do next for mummification?” Father McClairen asked the
classroom.

“They removed the internal organs?” Someone he picked on from the back asked.

“Yes, they removed the internal…organs,” he said looking at Pat and then
clearing his throat.

“Organs make you nervous father?” Jesus asked.

“No, just need a glass of water,” he answered.

After that I tuned back out. I felt like not being there at all. I just wanted
the day, the whole weekend to be over with. When the bell rang Pat rushed to me
and pushed me out the door towards Dunbee’s classroom and we got there early.

“Mr. McGregor, Mr. Kingly, come on in,” he said looking at us and looking
around the hallway shutting the door behind us, “I got your note Mr. McGregor
and I’m going to try to take care of some of those things for you.”

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Yes, however my friend at the police department wants a name of who is making
the allegations against the outsiders. You see, I have to report to
authorities’ people who aren’t in the church. You understand what I’m saying?”
he asked me quietly.

“What does that mean?” I asked confused.

“Well Mr. McGregor, it means I have to tell them your name. So, I’m asking your
permission,” Father Dunbee answered.

“You can’t,” Pat said, “You can’t. They’ll kill him.”

“Mr. Kingly,” he sighed, “That’s why I called you in here. To tell you who my
contact is because I know your father is involved in some…unsavory activities
if I recall there were questions within the community that got swept under the
rug when Charles passed. My contact is Detective Mason, Donald Mason do you
know anything about him? Is he someone I can continue trusting?” He asked Pat.

Pat sighed running a hand through his hair, “Are you asking if he’s brotherhood
or are you asking if he’s associated with them?”

“Both Mr. Kingly,” he answered.

“You can’t trust him,” Pat answered him, “He’s not brotherhood but he’s
affiliated. His AOA is between 6 and 10 and he has two daughters. He’s a GL.
So, I haven’t had a lot of contract with him for obvious reasons but he’s not a
good guy. He works with my Dad sometimes but I don’t know he’s creepy.”

“What on earth did you just say?” I asked raising my eyebrow at him.

“It’s huh, sorry. My Dad works for the police department or in the police
department for the brotherhood, yes? Well, they have a code they use to talk
about things AOA is age of attraction meaning it’s the age range they like and
GL is girl lover, BL boy lover and then CL is childlover which means both. They
have exclusive, non-exclusive and then sadistic, non-sadistic, optimistic,
preferential a bunch of different shit going on. I don’t know. I only learned
the lingo because I listen to my dad talk to people. He thinks he’s speaking in
code when he talks about a white chicken apa 10 going to market I know what
he’s saying because I’ve read his emails. That’s the only reason I know,” Pat
said as I stared at him wide-eyed and noticed how uncomfortable Father Dunbee
looked.

“What is apa? Approximate age?” I asked.

“Yes,” Pat said, “Chicken is another code for boy and hen is for girl white
refers to skin color, market can be a meeting place of some kind usually. Where
a coop is someone coming to you. I can show you some emails if you want me
break it down for you.”

“Huh, no. I’m good,” I answered as Father Dunbee sighed.

“So, Mason is not to be trusted?” He asked.

“Yes, father. That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Pat answered.

“Are you how Will learned it?” I asked.

“Learned what? The hacking skills or the language?” Pat asked me.

“Both maybe,” I answered.

“Yes, and a little bit. I don’t know he’s a better hacker than I am so you’d
have to ask him where he learned that,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders as
Father Dunbee opened the door allowing other students in.

We sat down and he passed out a book for us to start reading. The catcher and
the rye. It was a book I had never read and I wasn’t sure I wanted to read it
personally. Not that I would have time to read it. He had the page numbers he
wanted us to read on the broad and we read silently for most of class. I was
thankful that all I had to do was read and it looked like more of the same was
assigned for homework which I could hopefully get done in the next class.

When I bell rang I went to my next class to find that the T.A. was of course
Luke. For some reason, I had figured it was probably Luke. He seemed like a
nice guy but like he minded his own business which made him prefect for Saint
Matt’s. There was a passivity about him. Like he knew what was going on and
when he saw it he spoke up about how it was wrong, but didn’t do anything to
stop it.

He made it perfectly clear to me when he had mentioned McClairen that he knew
what had happened. He knew what was McClairen was doing in that room with me, a
13-year-old boy who obviously would not make the choice to have sex with a 45-
year-old priest but he didn’t stop him. He hadn’t put his foot down and told
him it was wrong even though I didn’t object. But I hadn’t objected because I
was scared. I was scared he was going to tell my Da who would have made things
worse.

I mean Father Dunbee wasn’t exactly my hero but he did what he could for me. He
had gotten father Barren transferred, had given me some relief and saved me
from some very very painful experiences. Luke however I felt conflicted about.
He seemed like he cared but like he was afraid of something. Not that I didn’t
get fear because I did. Back in that time I lived fear, fear was my constant
companion. Fear for myself, for Pat, for whatever we were, for my brothers and
sisters. For their lives and their experiences. Fear because I couldn’t protect
them, fear for my mum and her life. I was a walking, talking, shivering ball of
fear.

“Ok today since it’s our second class and we ran out of time last time we met
we’re going to play an introduction game; two truths and a lie. What you do is
you come up here to the front of the room and you say your name and then give
us two truths about yourself and a lie. I know we are all young men here but
because we are gentlemen we are going to stay appropriate. You can say you have
a girlfriend but nothing sexual and no foul language understand? If you know
what someone’s lie is excuse yourself from voting. Let’s start with Mr.
McGregor,” Luke said, “Come on down!” He said and then laughed making everyone
in the room give him a weird look.

“You know? The price is right? Come on down!” It was so silent you could hear
pin drop, “ok I can see that is before your time never mind, get up here Mr.
McGregor.”

I sighed and stood up making my way towards the front of the classroom. Why on
earth did I have to be first? “Can it be anything?” I asked.

“Yes, anything you can think of as long as it’s school appropriate,” Luke
answered.

“Ok my first name is John, my last name is McGregor obviously, I huh…2 truths
and a lie? Let’s see, I have 11 brothers and sisters, I huh oh geeze, I was
born in London and. I don’t know? I am rich?” I finished.

“Ok now who is excused from answering? Can you tell me?”

“Dom, Cole and Pat would be excused because they know enough about me that they
can probably tell through deduction which is the lie,” I answered.

“Ok who thinks that him having 11 brothers and sisters is a lie?” Luke asked
and most of the class raised their hand, “Oh boy, well apparently a lot of
people think that’s a lie. What about being born in London? No one thinks that
is a lie probably the accent. What about how rich he is? No one believes that’s
a lie. You want to tell us what the lie is or go through your truths firsts?”
Luke asked me.

“Ok, well the first is true. Believe it or not I have 11 brothers and sisters.
I am the oldest the youngest are 10 months old my family is very…catholic?” I
answered and watched everyone’s mouths drop in shock, “Yeah it’s a busy house.
I am rich and I know the accent throws people a bit but I was actually born in
New York and grew up in London from the like 2 to 4 and then moved back here
and then went there to boarding school when I was 9 until I was 12. I’ve only
been back in the states for a little over a year,” I answered.

“Good to know. Next Jesus,” Luke said.

I went and sat down and Jesus came up to the front of the room and turned to
face the room smiling, “My name is Jesus Diaz and I was born in Mexico. My Dad
is a janitor. I have four sisters.”

“Anyone excused?” He asked.

“Yeah Rogues and Jones,” he answered.

“Ok who thinks that Mr. Diaz was born in Mexico?” Luke asked and about three
people raised their hand, “Who thinks his dad is a Janitor? No one? Ok and who
thinks he has four sisters? Everyone. Ok tell us your truths and then reveal
your lie Mr. Diaz,” Luke said.

“I do actually have four sisters believe it or not my family like John’s is
very Catholic,” he said causing everyone to laugh, “My dad is a Janitor and a
damn good one and owns the company he works for actually and I was not born in
Mexico I was born in Michigan.”

“Ok now Mr. Jones,” Luke said, “Come up here and tell us your truths and your
lie.”

“I’m Tim, Tim Jones. I do stand-up comedy professionally. I’m the youngest of
two and I play on the football team. Exempt are Davis and Blitzer and Diaz.”

“Ok who thinks that he does stand-up comedy professionally?” Luke asked and no
one raised their hand, “So everyone agrees that the other two are probably the
truth?” Everyone nodded their heads.

“You are right gentlemen and hoodlums,” Tim said, “However it is my one true
goal in life because if you have a face like this you need some type of
talent…” Tim said and bunch of people laughed.

“Ok Blizter,” Luke said.

I remember most of that class was taken up by two truths and a lie I learned
that Howie Blitzer spent his vacation in Spain, Michael Davis went to public
school until he was 11, Caesar Rogues lives with his extended family David
Kolthoff was born in France and Samuel Kilpatrick’s grandfather was born a
slave. After that we just kind of goofed around for most of the hour. My mood
falling with every second the clock ticked away towards school letting out.

When the bell rang I stood up grabbing my bag off the floor next to me and
looked at Pat who was waiting for me by the door he slapped me on the back
lightly when I reached him, “It’ll be ok, just think of what’s happening after
you leave. After the weekend is over and do what you have to do all right?” he
reminded me.

“Yeah, I know,” I answered quietly.

Pat sighed looking at me, “Rabbit, I know it sucks and I wish I could do
something to make it not happen but you know I can’t and so do I. Just know I
love you ok? And I’m here for you. Monday we’ll go to our spot and we’ll just
chill. Just try to block it out especially the party on Saturday because I
don’t have anything I can give you and Vic is being very careful lately,” Pat
told me.

“Yeah, I noticed,” I answer trying to not think of Vic. Of how he had shoved
his tongue in my ass just to prove to my Da that he was in the brotherhood and
supported the ideals the brotherhood shared.

“What does that mean?” He asked me as we started walking down the hallway.

“Nothing, just I noticed,” I answered exhaling heavily.

“No, that means something Rabbit. I know you,” Pat said touching my shoulder
gently, “Talk to me please?”

“I’d rather just not, all right?” I said looking at Pat, “But, I’m not sure
it’s a good idea to trust him.”

“He’s being closely watched because they are pretty sure he’s how your mom got
you guys out,” Pat told me, “He’s the only one of them we can trust. I read the
emails my Dad sends out and gets. Trust me on this.”

“I can’t trust him ok? I can’t. He has to earn it back. I don’t care why he …”
I sighed deciding I was shutting the conversation down, “Look I have other
stuff I have to worry about like how I’m going to get through whatever it is
they are planning to do to me or Will because I’m pretty sure Will is coming to
this party too.”

“I know,” he said to me, “I love you and I’ll see you Saturday all right?”

“I don’t know if seeing you Saturday is a good idea considering how badly
you’re going to want to protect me and how badly I’m going to want to do the
same for you. Maybe we should split custody of our group?” I asked causing both
of us to smile lightly.
“Ok, I’ll talk to Cole You take Dom and I’ll stick with my brother?” He asked
me.

“Yeah, and you can have Tosh and I’ll have my brother,” I answered.

“Nah, you have to take Tosh I think,” Pat told me, “Cole and he are getting
close and I don’t want…”

“I got you,” I said nodding my head as we made it down the bus depo and stopped
in front of the bus, “Well here’s your ride. I have to go find mine.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you later ok?” He said his eyes sad even though he was smiling.

“Yeah later,” I said waving as I turned and walked away.

I wasn’t looking forward to this. Every cell in my body was telling me to get
on the bus, to run the other way but I knew I couldn’t that if I did I would be
punished somehow. I watched the bus pull away trying to stay calm. Trying to
keep myself numb and not think about what I was walking into.
***** 25 *****
Chapter Summary
     John gets through the school week only to spent another weekend at
     Leo's before the upcoming party.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 461 to 478. Warnings Rape/non-con, bullying, taunting, forced
     Oral,
I remember seeing his SUV and everything feeling like it was going in slow
motion feeling like my ears had quit working and all I could hear was the blood
rushing around my body. I was scared. I couldn’t help it not sure if he was
going to be nice or if he was going to hurt me the moment I got into the car.
That stupid fucking car.

I saw it and my hearing finally started to come back even though the impulse to
run away was like an itch I wasn’t allowed to scratch. He pulled up next to me
a rolled down his window.

“Hi John, come on.” He said simply.

I opened the passenger door and climbed in doing up my own seat belt not sure
if I could speak, not sure if I wanted to. He was going to take me to his house
so he could rape me. So, he could use me and make me hate myself and everything
else in my life. So, he could remind me how little I actually mattered to
anyone.

“How was this week?’ He asked me.

I didn’t reply he gave me a couple minutes as we pulled out of the parking lot
back onto the street before he spoke, “You know I asked you a question, right?
I don’t have to be mean John it’s polite to speak to someone when they talk to
you.”
“Sorry,” I answered, “It was all right.”

“Anything interesting happen I mean it was the first week of school,” He asked
me.

“Not really,” I answered, “I have a good number of friends in most of my
classes.”

“Good, that’s nice. What do you think of your teachers?” He asked me.

“Some of them seem nice and some of them not so much,” I answered, “I know
Finick and McClairen from last year neither one of them is very nice.”

“Yeah but you got A’s in their classes last year, didn’t you? So, you have to
define nice because I think it’s pretty nice that they gave you A’s when you
hardly did any class work,” Leo commented.

“What they did instead wasn’t very nice,” I said.

“What? Making you earn your grade? Beautiful it’s much easier to do it that way
then actually sit down and study you realize, that right?” He said putting his
hand on my knee making me jump.

“I didn’t…I was ok with failing,” I managed to mumble grabbing the door to make
sure I didn’t push his hand away.

“Well I’m glad you didn’t fail,” he said.

“I almost did I went to summer school in Montana,” I told him.

“Well, you didn’t fail. Probably half the reason why is what they did for you
letting you earn your grades like that,” He said as he turned the blinker on
and hit the button opening the garage door to his condo.

I tensed every muscle in my body going stiff causing me to sit up straighter. I
didn’t want to go into that house. That house meant I would be pressed into his
bed at any second maybe even with a rod shoved up my shaft burning, hurting. I
tried to make myself appear calm but I knew he knew I wasn’t stupid.

“It’s ok beautiful, there’s nothing to be scared of I promise,” He said as he
pulled into the garage and shut it behind car with the click of a button.

“Leo?” I asked as he opened the car door.

“Yeah?” He asked me stopping and looking at me.

“Why me?” I asked.

“I thought I already explained that didn’t I? That you’re beyond prefect for
me, you’re the right age, the right personality and one of the most attractive
people I’ve ever seen in my life,” He repeated what he had told me last
weekend.

“Right,” I answered barely above a whisper.

“Hey, I won’t hurt you ok? I know last time was uncomfortable it probably
burned a little the sounding, but you’ll get used to it. Pretty sure it won’t
hurt at all it just takes a couple of times ok?” He said getting out of the car
and coming around opening my door, “Come on,” He said holding his arms open
like he wanted to hug me as I undid my seat belt looking at him.

“Leo please?” I said biting my lower lip. I didn’t want him to touch me, not
like that. I didn’t want to feel his arms around me like he was trying to
comfort me when all he wanted to do was hurt me and I knew it.

“Come on beautiful, no resisting I don’t like to have to restrain remember?” He
said and I sighed stepping out of the car into his arms him burying his face in
my neck immediately. Making me shiver, “It’s ok, it’s ok baby.”

“No,” I said as he slid his hands down my back grabbing my waist.

“Yeah, it’s ok let’s go upstairs, all right?” He said laying a gentle peck on
my neck before pulling away and grabbing my hand so he could lead me upstairs.

“Leo please, I don’t want to,” I said as I stopped walking.

“I know baby but I’ll make you feel so good,” He said turning around and
looking at me smiling at me warmly but his eyes hungry, cold, “Relax I’m not
going to hurt you I promise.”

He finished leading me up the stairs and into his Condo the whiteness of the
place standing out at me again as he took my backpack from me and put it on the
coat rack by the door and he held out his hand. I looked at him confused.

“Blazer beautiful,” He said telling me why his hand was out, “I know the air is
on but it’s not that cold in here that and I’d rather gather it all right now
that way I can take it to the dry cleaners on our way to the Villa tomorrow
ok?”

“Oh,” I said quietly taking off my blazer and handing it to him for him to hang
up on the rack as well.

“Ok, give me the rest,” He said, “Don’t make me undress you because while
that’s hot I tend to get a little impatient and that’s how you lost buttons
remember? I can’t hand the dry cleaner a shirt with no buttons it might cause
some issues.”

I nodded my head, “Right.” I took off my vest and tie handing them to him and
then sighed realizing I was without most of the layers I relied on most days to
keep me safe, allow me to feel safe. I looked at him begging him with my eyes
to let me keep the clothes on I had left.

“It’s ok beautiful, I know taking off your clothes makes you kind of nervous
I’ve noticed but there’s nothing to be nervous about, you have a very very
beautiful body just take those off for me so I can put them together and make
sure they get to the dry cleaners tomorrow ok?”

“I don’t want to,” I said.

“Can you tell me why?” He asked me.

“Because it’s my body and I don’t want…” He cut me off.

“Shhh…hey I’m paying good money ok? I can make it feel good, right? Make your
body feel good?” He said grabbing me tightly by the hips grinding against me
rubbing his pelvis against my stomach.

“I don’t want to take my clothes off,” I said again.

“Come on, it’s ok I’m not going to hurt you,” Leo answered.

I swallowed trying to swallow the lump in my throat. I undid the buttons on my
dress shirt slowly until it got to where my shirt was tucked into my trousers
and then I stopped my hands no longer steady. I didn’t want Leo to touch me, I
didn’t want to be naked in front of him not again. The things he did to me I
didn’t want him doing those things.

“Here, let me,” He said reaching down and unbuttoning it the rest of the way
taking it off my arms and his hands went to my belt undoing it and taking it
off as he set it gently on the table next to us his hand going to my fly and
undoing my pants letting them drop around my ankles as he stepped back smiling
at me, “God you are beautiful.”

“No, I’m not,” I answered.

“Yes, you are,” He said cupping my chin gently, “You’re very beautiful, take
off your shoes and socks ok?”

I nodded my head and took off my socks and shoes kicking them off so I was
standing there in my boxer briefs and undershirt feeling like my chest was
tight like I was going to hyperventilate because he was staring at me, his eyes
never leaving my body as he watched me. I might have been 13 but I felt like I
was that four-year-old kid begging my Da to let me get ready for bed on my own
because he wouldn’t stop looking at me, wouldn’t stop touching me.

I wrapped my arms around myself trying to shield myself from his eyes. I didn’t
want to be this exposed in front of him. Feel this naked knowing he was going
to be climbing on top of me once I was naked that he was going to be shoving
parts of his body into mine making my whole being tingle, ripping my soul to
pieces and I had to let him. I had to let him or else face the consequences of
it at home. Face my Da possibly punishing me the same way Leo and Hank and Da
and Uncle Ben had Punished Pat by making me watch as they hurt someone I loved,
it being my fault that they did it and having to know that, to live with that
feeling.

“Hey, it’s ok you’re really ok I’m not going to hurt you I promise, why are you
so nervous?” Leo asked me.

“I…I don’t know,” I answered.

I knew he was going to start getting mad but I felt like, taking off my clothes
the rest of the way was going to earn me serious pain and I knew once I took
them off they weren’t going back on until it was those sweats just to get to
the Villa and then naked again until Sunday morning for mass. I felt like
taking off my clothes meant giving something away that I wasn’t willing to let
go of.

“Is it because of the party this weekend is that why you’re so nervous?” He
asked me.

“Maybe,” I asked.

“Come on,” He said grabbing my hand and leading me back into the condo through
the house and into his bedroom. He didn’t waste much time taking my shirt my
off because I didn’t fight him. I knew not to fight him because he didn’t like
fighting back as he constantly told me.

He kissed me, pushing me back onto the bed. His hands running up and down my
ribs making me whimper. I didn’t want this I didn’t want him to do this.

“Don’t,” I said trying my hardest not to push him away.

“It’s ok baby,” He cooed into my right nipple grabbing the waist band of my
boxers starting to roll them down and off my body. He said standing up and
walking away peeling his shirt off of his body and hurrying out of his clothes
as he went a grabbed some lube out of his night stand and then came back to me
starting up where he left off kissing down my body as I started shaking.

“Ok beautiful it’s ok, give me what you’ve got,” He said spreading my legs so
he could lay in-between them kissing me his finger circling around my asshole
tickling.

“ah…” it escaped my mouth before I could stop it.

“It’s ok baby,” He said, “I’m just going to make it feel nice ok?” he said
sliding his fingers in.

“No,” I said shaking my head grabbing his shoulders, “No.”

“It’s ok just let it happen, let it feel good,” He said kissing his way down my
hips with and taking my penis in his other hand as he added another finger to
the one already inside of me.

“I don’t want it to,” I said as I felt that warmness around me, that wetness,
“STOP!”

I really didn’t want him to do that. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I
didn’t want him doing this to me. I didn’t want him to be able to make me feel
these things.

He sucked me until I was hard his fingers hitting against that spot until he
had me quiet barely whimpering. And then he slid into me kissing my face my
neck and shoulders as my body adjusted to his.

“It’s ok baby, it’s ok, let it feel good just relax,” he muttered into my ear.

“Please,” I said looking into his eyes and not seeing any regret there any
empathy just seeing how bad he wanted what he was doing.

“Just let it happen,” He said starting to slide out making the first thrusts
stealing my breath away, “God I love you so much.” He breathed into my skin my
mouth going wide as he rocked into me hitting against that spot right away him
already knowing my body knowing the angle he needed in order to make my eyes
bug out and make me moan.

“NO,” I begged.

“It’s ok beautiful it’s ok just let me do it, let me show you how much I love
you,” He said.

“STOP PLEASE I DON’T, I DON’T….” I stammered, “STOP FUCK”

I whimpered. I started crying as he kept going bringing us closer to climax. He
kept going, and I couldn’t that cold fire stealing my breath spreading up my
spine that pressure building and before I knew it we had both climaxed, even
though he didn’t pull out he laid there on top of me rubbing his hands through
my hair trying to comfort me. Telling me it was ok that I had been good, that I
was so good that I felt so…tight and tasted so nice and all of those other
horrible things they always said to me.
When he did pull out he pulled me close to his chest resting my head against it
making me listen to his heart beat, “See baby? You relaxed me, you helped me
feel so good and I know it felt good to you too.” He cooed rubbing my shoulder
as I laid there in his arms waiting, praying he would just let me go so I could
shower, so I could wash him out of me, off of me.

After a while he got up grabbing us both some clothes and he did allow me to
shower on my own. It didn’t give me any relief though knowing that I was stuck
with him for the weekend, that even after the Villa was over I’d probably come
back here just for him to push me again, to make me do that again while he made
me face him so I had to look at him, to watch him. When I was done showering I
got out and put on the sweats he provided me with curling into a ball in the
bed where he had made me have sex with him because I couldn’t bear to go out
into the living room where he was sitting. I think I cried myself to sleep
because the next thing I remember the sun was starting to set though the
window.

I used my arms to prop myself up rubbing my face, still laying on my side. I
didn’t expect him to be there I expected him to be gone but when he saw me move
he came and sat in the bed next to me, “Hi there, did you sleep good?”

I shifted uncomfortably. I didn’t want him that close to me, I was sore and
afraid. I didn’t want to have to deal with him just yet.

“It’s ok beautiful,” He said, “Nothing like that right now Rich is on his way
over.”

“Rich?” I asked frowning.

“Yeah, there is a Villa party tomorrow so he’s going to come with us. He’s been
talking about recruit track and I have to say that while I’m surprised it’s
makes me happy. Just be nice to him if he wants anything give it to him all
right? I don’t know I think if I let him have a taste of what it feels like to
be in charge it might be that much more convincing that it’s the right track to
follow,” Leo told me.

He was asking me to let Rich touch me if he wanted. I wasn’t ok with that. Not
with someone my own age. It was hard enough letting them force someone my age
to do it, making me do it to them I didn’t want to.

“I can’t,” I said actually looking him in the face.

“You will if he asks,” Leo told me giving me a stern cold look, “Otherwise you
know my friend Dobbs and how it is going to be one on one? I can tell him to do
whatever he wants and like I said he likes group activities all right
beautiful? I don’t want you hurt but…group stuff can be fun, right?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want group stuff. Group stuff meant to me Hank and
Arthur stringing me from the ceiling and whipping me while they licked my body,
group stuff meant someone shoving their dick in my mouth while someone else did
me from behind, group stuff meant bad things, very bad things.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head. I hated Dick before I really hated him now. If he
tried to touch me I was going to punch him even though I didn’t think he was
interested in me at all considering how badly he treated me. I didn’t want to
even think of Dick touching me, the things he might make me do. I felt cold
inside, “Can I have a shirt while he’s here?”

“No, I think you’re fine,” He said, “I don’t mind being able to look and who
knows it might tempt Rich? I’d actually really enjoy watching that, you can be
good for him if he wants it can’t you beautiful?” He asked me making me look
away.

“No look at me beautiful,” He said cupping my cheek forcing me to look in his
eyes, “You’re so amazing. Everything about you is prefect.”

“You keep saying that and I’m not,” I answered.

“But you are baby,” He said kissing my forehead, “Come on you can go get on the
computer if you want, get used to using one.”

“Get on the computer?” I asked, “At home I’m hardly allowed to use it I mean I
have an AOL account but I’m not really allowed to be on the computer.”

“Yeah, you can be on the computer baby of course, go chat do whatever you want,
play some games,” He said and as I got up getting out of the bed and
stretching, “God you’re so prefect.”

I froze mid-stretch and stopped. I hated them. I hated that they made
compliments feel so dirty and gross. They only said those things to me because
they were thinking of me as an object.

I got up and went to the computer room and opened up AOL. I checked my email
and then found a website where I started playing games that had a built-in
chatroom. You could play games with the computer or with someone online. I
chose to play a game by myself not really wanting to talk with anyone.

After a while someone instant messaged me which I found confusing. I hadn’t
given my name out to anyone new recently and this person wasn’t on my friends
list. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk at all at first and just stared at the
“hi” from RocketLauncher72. I had no idea who that was or what they wanted but
decided to answer. My username was TrebleJ04 just because I liked music and it
didn’t give away a lot about me and met requirements like a capital letter and
a number.

Me: Hello?

RocketLauncher72: Hi there, I saw you’re in the solitaire room, why solitaire
when there are so many other games you can play?

Me: Because I like it?

RocketLauncher72: Lol ok…not in the mood to talk?

Me: No, I’ll talk, just I don’t know…

RocketLauncher72: Ok  a/s/l?

Me: What does that mean? I don’t talk a lot online so…

RocketLauncher72: Oh! A newbie huh that’s ok it means age/sex/location I’m 27/
m/Georgia

Me: 13/m/FL

RocketLauncher72: Cool! ur parents won’t be mad you’re talking to someone
older, will they? Because if I so I can leave you alone you know. Don’t want to
get you into trouble.

Me: At a friend’s house parents aren’t here right now. I don’t get online much
anyway so I don’t care.

RocketLauncher72: Cool, so what do you do with your time if you aren’t online?

Me: School, hang out with my friends and stuff.

RocketLauncher72: Sounds like fun…

The conversation went on for a while. He didn’t seem like a bad guy but
something didn’t seem right. I kept it polite though and ended up adding him to
my buddy list anyway making sure he knew I didn’t get on that often. When I
decided I’d had enough of the computer I went out into the living room to find
Dick sitting there on the couch watching TV.

“Hi,” He said looking at me causing me to fold my arms in front of myself.

I felt naked, not having a shirt my scars very visible or so I thought. I
didn’t like not having a shirt but didn’t have anything to cover myself with
and his eyes just made me feel that much more naked. He sighed turning his eyes
back to the TV.

“Dad been keeping you busy?” He asked causing me to shift not wanting to answer
the question knowing what he was inferring.

“Why do you care?” I asked.

“I don’t, just making conversation,” He answered, “I’m supposed to be nice to
you.”

“Yeah, I’ve been told I’m supposed to be nice to you,” I replied.

“Well that makes sense considering it’s my house,” he said glancing at me
quickly and then glancing away as I sat down in a chair a bit away from him.

“It’s might be your house but I’m stuck here so…” I answered shrugging my
shoulders.

“Don’t act like your treated badly. I bet with my Dad you’re like his fucking
pillow princess,” he said shaking his head.

“What?” I asked confused.

“God, I don’t ever remember being as stupid as you are, pillow princess it
means you receive but don’t give…you know you get it but…” Dick explained
smirking at me, “We’re all pillow princesses at your age don’t worry about it.”

“Oh,” I said and I felt my face heating up. I didn’t want to talk about sex.
Especially not with him especially if he wanted to have it because I didn’t
want him to even think that touching me was ok, that it was something I would
let happen even though I was told I had to let it if he wanted it.

“So, are you or do you give sometimes too?” He asked me.

“What?” I asked.

“Are you ever on top?” He snorted looking at me briefly again before turning
his eyes back to the TV changing the channel.

“Huh, once,” I answered feeling shy about it.

“Well good for you don’t think my first-time topping was until I was like 15.
It was with some scrawny kid he was young too. It sure beats being on bottom
though,” He told me.

I went to go walk away. I didn’t want to talk about my sex life with him, this
was gross, “Wait,” he said making me stop dead.

“What?” I asked turning back looking at him feeling anxious.

“Entertain me,” He said turning off the TV looking at me.

I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant and was afraid to know what he was
talking about. I sighed looking at him sitting back down. I was praying to god
he didn’t mean what I thought he meant as I looked at him silently.

“You’re supposed to be entertaining me, you sitting there in silence staring at
me like I’m some type of fucking alien isn’t entertaining,” Dick said.

“H-H-How do I…I mean what exactly do you want me to do?” I asked.

“I don’t know tell me something about yourself, your family your day whatever I
don’t care, recite a poem, whatever,” Dick answered.

“I have 11 siblings,” I answered.

“And what are they like? Are you the youngest or what?” He asked me.

“I’m the oldest I have my brother Will who is 11 and then Mike and Matt are 9
James is 7 Catherine is 5, Laura and Andrew are 2 Malachy will be 2 next week
and then Seamus and Mary are almost one,” I answered.

“You have three siblings that are 2?” He asked me.

“One is a set of twins the other was…I don’t know he’s randomly close in birth
to the other two. They are going to be three soon though the Laura and Andy,” I
answered.

“Don’t they call that Irish twins?” He asked me.

“Well two of them are already twins so I’m not sure that would be the right
expression in their case,” I answered.

“What’s it like having sisters? I mean I have an older brother but I’ve never
had a sister,” He asked me.

“Well they are all younger than me, I play a lot of Barbie’s and tea party for
them usually just because those are the type of things they really like to do.
Potty training is interesting,” I answered.

“Wait you’re potty training your siblings?” He asked me.

“Huh, yeah my mom is in the hospital and my Da is…I don’t know,” I answered
shrugging my shoulders, “So that leaves me, Alice and Will and Alice goes home
after like 5 so then it just depends on who is around, but I mean potty
training in general is interesting however Andy we just put on the toilet and
tell him to aim, Laura we have to hold her on there because if we don’t she
wiggles around and will fall in, that happened when Will was watching her once,
and then we have to help her wipe which is kind of weird really but it is what
it is. She’s actually doing a lot better than Andy who seemed to like wet the
bed and that’s just gross but usually that’s something Alice takes care of.”

“So, you get to touch your sister’s pussy?” Dick asked me smiling.

“Huh she’s 2,” I said, “I don’t really think about it like that.”

“Really? That’s new considering…” I cut him off.

“I don’t see my little sisters like that ok? They’re babies, they are little
girls who I still read bedtime stories to so if you don’t mind…” I huffed
disgusted at Dick.

That was disgusting that he would ever think of anyone like that. I never have
and never will understand how you can see someone so little as something
sexual. Little children especially little little children there is nothing
sexual or attractive about them for me especially my siblings. I used to hide
Will in a closet to keep him safe, I had rocked each and every one of them to
sleep at one point or another, I read them bed time stories and kissed them
good night and bandaged their boo boos and fed them dinner and bathed them and
I found nothing sexual about them at all. I would rather kill myself then ever
think of any of them like that.

Dick laughed, “Sorry dude, I just considering your Dad I thought…never mind.”

“She’s like 2 literally though. That’s sick,” I answered, “Like are you kidding
me?”

“Well your Dad likes touching little kids so, I thought… You know…” he said.

“You don’t know anything about my Da. Don’t pretend you do,” I hissed.

“What? Daddy still likes you best?” He asked me.

“Don’t,” I said quietly.

“He does, doesn’t he?” Dick said smiling at me shaking his head, “That sucks.
You would think he would have a thing for babies considering he has so many of
them. That after they got too old for him he’d just have another one.”

“When did you outgrow yours?” I asked getting angry reaching my limit.

“Hey,” he said tensing up, “We were talking about yours.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. You don’t talk about mine I won’t talk about
yours, ok? Because if anyone has the right to talk about your Dad it’s me,” I
pointed out.

“Why because he shoves his dick up your ass all weekend long? He wouldn’t be
able to do that if your Dad didn’t agree to it. Which makes me wonder if you
really are his favorite because if you were why would he share you? Because you
see my Dad never shared me when I was your age. My Dad didn’t become a part of
the brotherhood until I was ten how old were you?” He asked.

“Last year,” I answered.

“Really?” He asked looking at me, “I don’t know, usually that type of behavior
goes on longer than that I think. Once a freak always a freak and apparently my
dad was banging little boys before him and mom got married. She thought he
would change once they got together. Once they started having kids and he
didn’t, he’s driven her into therapy you know that?”

“Sounds to me like you need therapy,” I said.

“Are you calling me crazy?” He hissed.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t think you’re crazy I just…you seem
angry.”

“Well I would think you would be angrier then I am, considering what’s going
on. The fact that you’re stuck here. I mean, unless of course you like it,”
Dick said.

I sighed. I was done talking about this, I didn’t need to be reminded of this.
That this was my life, all that I was, “Have I entertained you enough?” I
asked.

“No, I want to know if you like it. I mean my Dad isn’t bad looking but I
personally never enjoyed it,” he answered me.

“No, I don’t,” I answered.

“You know once we hit a certain age they have us watch the videos on the
website right? I’ve seen some videos that would suggest otherwise. The way your
face kind of … want to see? You have a good fuck face like you’re enjoying it.
Probably why Chad talks about you all the time. How he hates the fact you’re a
five. Can I admit I find you interesting? But, I’m not sure I want my Dad’s
sloppy seconds?”

I couldn’t help myself I started tearing up. I didn’t want to have sex with him
and that was where this was leading. He was telling me that everyone just saw
me as a whore. That everyone had seen the videos, seen what they had done to
me. That everyone knew and no one cared. Or if they did care it was only
because they wanted to join in.

“Aww, baby going to cry?” Dick taunted.

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore,” I said.

“Would you rather suck my dick?” He asked standing up and coming towards me.

“Rich please?” I begged looking at him.

Just then Leo cleared his throat drawing our attention, “Too late Rich he’s
mine.”

“Oh, come on Dad. Can you gag him at least so I don’t have to hear him scream?”
Dick said frowning.

“I personally enjoy it you don’t want to hear it put on some headphones and
listen to music, turn up the volume on the TV,” Leo said, “Come on baby…” he
said looking at me.

I shook my head pulling my knees to my chest. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want
to have sex with him or Dick I didn’t want to be here anymore. I’d rather be
anywhere else.

“Come on baby, don’t make me walk over there and get you,” Leo said to me.

I sighed and stood up. I walked towards him slowly just hoping he wouldn’t
touch me like that in front of Dick, give him ideas or ammunition. I couldn’t
believe Chad had a thing for me, or Dick. I felt sick to my stomach as Leo put
his arm around my shoulder walking me back to his bedroom and shutting the door
and locking it. I shook myself trying to shake my anxiety out.

“Come here baby,” He said grabbing me, holding my face to his chest and petting
me.

“Leo please, I don’t want to have sex right now,” I begged my whole-body tense.

“But I’ll make it feel really nice, I heard you and Dick talking, why didn’t
you tell him anything?” He asked me.

“About what?” I asked.

“Your dad,” he said, “You could have told him you know? He has a lot in common
with you, you know?”

“I don’t see how,” I replied.

“Well, Rich was my bedmate for only a little while but, I broke him in. Took
him to his first party. He was a sweet boy when he was your age very…” Leo
licked his lips looking at me as I sat down on the bed curling in on myself.

“I wouldn’t want to rape someone,” I said.

“You think this is rape? No baby what Hank does to you is rape, rape hurts
this…this is what would be considered consensual. I got your ok. You said you
wanted to have sex with only me and we’re having sex. You told me you wanted
it,” he said.

“I don’t want it anymore, and I wasn’t talking about you he asked me if I liked
wiping my little sister when I said I help potty train her. I don’t think of it
that way I changed her diapers she’s one of my babies,” I said shaking my head.

“What do you mean one of your babies?” He asked me sitting down next to me.

“My Da, I was barely potty trained when my Da started doing things. I…my mum
and I we have never trusted him to do those things because he will hurt them. I
know he will and so does she so we do them instead. I don’t know you might not
understand it but I have never thought of touching them like that not ever,” I
said.

“So, you take care of them?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

“You know apart of really loving them like you should is teaching them things,
things that will help them,” he told me.

“Yeah, I take care of them, I do take care of them and teach them things that
will help them but, I don’t believe what you’re talking about is one of the
things they need to know,” I hissed.

“Well, if your Daddy didn’t teach you imagine how much pain you would be in
every time you lay down with me,” he said touching my shoulder.

“It’s not right. That’s not something you do .I don’t know why you guys think
it’s ok,” I said.

“Well, back in Greece, in other civilizations before Christianity. It was
common for older men to teach young men about their bodies. To teach them how
to feel good, how to touch themselves. How to be prolific lovers. If they
hadn’t our population would be extinct because they wouldn’t know how to please
their women. You want to grow up and know how to please a woman, don’t you? And
in turn hopefully when you have a son you’ll teach him or find someone who
will,” Leo answered.

“Even if they didn’t want to?” I asked.

“Well, you’re a kid. You don’t what you want, baby. Like I’m sure you don’t
like eating your vegetables sometimes but, that doesn’t mean eating them is bad
for you. It’s actually really good for you,” Leo said starting to rub my collar
bone almost like he was petting me.

I felt sick. I allowed him to push me backward, lay me down he kissed my hand
and up my arm into my shoulder and chest. I closed my eyes trying to block it
out, trying to block him out and he grabbed my chin.

“Open your eyes,” He whispered pulling me back onto the bed up towards the
pillows.

I opened my eyes looking at him but not wanting to, not wanting to see that
look in his eyes as his hands went to my sweats the only thing I was wearing
and started pulling them down my hips. I knew I had to, that I didn’t have a
choice that he wasn’t going to give me one so I exhaled deeply and allowed his
tongue past my lips as he went to kiss me. He broke our kiss to peel himself
out of his own clothing and then stopped smiling at me.

“What?” I asked confused and naked.

“Nothing, hold on just a second,” He said reaching up and grabbing something on
the canopy adjusting it and then pushing a button before he climbed back on top
of me.

I didn’t even see what he had touched and then his hands were on my hips him
pressing his body against mine hard making me gasps in surprise as he buried
his face in my chest kissing and licking my nipples.

I shook my head, “Please? Please sto….” I started pleading as he grabbed my
dick and started rubbing it.

“That’s it baby,” He said as I started getting hard him kissing down towards my
waist licking along the top of my pelvis.

“No,” I said as he put me in his mouth and started licking and sucking gently
wrapping his arms around my legs in order to keep them spread his tongue
licking my inner thighs his one hand massaging my balls gently as he licked the
underside of my shaft making me moan again. God, I hated it. It felt
so…invasive not good even though he was flooding my body with that feeling.

“Stop,” I begged as he kept going pulling me closer to orgasm his one hand
finally letting go my leg as he pushed his fingers up my asshole starting to
move inside me as I screamed begging him to stop, pleading with him to stop,
crying as he made me orgasm and then finally falling silent my chest heaving.

He climbed on top of me and didn’t waste any time pushing inside of me one hand
on my chest as he rolled his hips backwards keeping me in place as he pulled
out of me. I gasped my eyes going wide as I shook my head no longer able to
speak feeling like I could barely breathe.

“I know baby,” he muttered leaning forward over me, “I know it’s ok.”

I shook my head again, telling him no the only way my body would let me. not
being able to speak. Every single roll of his hips pulling him against or apart
from that spot that made my whole-body tingle. I whimpered and moaned
underneath him wishing he would just stop. That he would just finish but he
kept going, grabbing my chin so that I didn’t look away from him as I kept
shaking my head.

“I know. You’re being such a good boy though. your prefect. So prefect, you
feel so tight and nice and prefect baby. You know that, right?” He said as he
kept pounding into me.

“Ahhh,” I managed as a reply his body still inside mine, his sweat making me
feel slick and gross.

“It’s ok baby,” He said leaning over top of me.

“S-s-s-s-st-ooo-pp,” I barely managed to get out his body pushing mine closer
to orgasm, closer to where he wanted it to be.

“It’s ok baby just cum for me,” He said kissing my neck.

I shook my head furiously.

“Yeah come on baby, you see that right there, that’s my friends they’re
watching us and they want you to cum too, they want you to feel good and to
make me feel good. Cum for us ok? Cum for us and I’ll cum and then I’ll clean
you up make you feel nice and warm and good make you see stars,” Leo told me.

“NO,” I whimpered, “NO!”

“It’s ok baby, it’s ok just cum for me, show me how much you love me,” He said
picking up his pace going harder and faster.

He was raping me in front of people and I hadn’t known it. His camera is what
he had touched that was hooked to the canopy. I felt like screaming but found
myself out of breath again just from the two no’s I was able to manage my eyes
starting to roll as my body starting stiffening with the power of my orgasm.

“God yes, that’s right! Right there oh yeah!” He shouted as he came inside of
me leaving us both breathless and gasping for air as he collapsed on top of me.
He barely waited before he started kissing down my body sending sparks up and
down my spine.
“Please stop,” I begged him starting to cry as he started licking my cum off of
my stomach, “No stop,” I begged grabbing him by the hair and pulling.

The response I got was a violent one his hand going to mine and squeezing as
his head came up his other hand going around my throat and squeezing hard and
violently, “You little shit,” He hissed the pressure so strong I felt my ears
pop and my vision starting flickering even though my eyes were open. He was
yelling at me and pointing at the camera and I couldn’t hear him the pressure
in my head too high as I desperately scratched at his hand for what felt like
forever.

I don’t remember passing out but, I must have. The next thing I knew, I was
alone in the bedroom and could hear the shower water running. I could still
feel his hand on my neck pressing up under my chin against my lower jaw. I
sighed sitting up looking for the camera, not finding it. I rubbed my neck
trying to get it to stop hurting amazed didn’t have a sore throat. A moment
later the shower water turned off and he came out towel drying himself off.
“You’re conscious. Good,” he said looking at me as I watched him from the bed,
“I have a bit of a temper. Now, hopefully you understand why I’ve made it very
clear you can’t resist or push me away. Or call me names.”

I nodded my head in response. While my Da had gotten really close to choking me
out he had never actually done it. I have to say it is not a fun experience. I
had never been choked out before and I wasn’t sure what to think, my head still
feeling a little fuzzy.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“Yes,” I managed to say even though it felt weird in my throat.

“Good. I’m sorry I hurt you. I just don’t like being embarrassed,” he said
coming and sitting next to me.

I didn’t pull away but I tensed up. I could feel the heat coming off of his
body he was sitting so close. I didn’t want him that close to my skin. I was
still naked and exposed, my hand still on my neck. I didn’t want him to do that
again but I didn’t want him sitting next to me either.

“Let me see baby,” he said moving my hand gently and taking a look at it,
“Maybe a little bit of bruising. I don’t think I did it as hard as I was afraid
I did.”

He kissed my neck where he had choked me. Lightly at first and then harder
grabbing me, forcing me to lay back down. He started kissing down my side
starting at my neck and then down my arm lifting it up and kissing down the
side of my torso until he got to my hip. He dragged his tongue around my hip
bone in a circle before he turned me on my side so I was facing him and he gave
me head. I dug my hands into the pillow in front of my face squeezing it and
biting it so that I wouldn’t make noise. He made me ejaculate again into his
mouth and he swallowed because, of course he swallowed.

When he was done he pulled me to his chest and ran his hand through my hair. I
cried. I didn’t like this, being with him. I didn’t want him anywhere near me
but I knew I shouldn’t say no. I know that pushing him away was dangerous. So,
I just stayed where I was. Him holding me, whispering praises to me.

“You want to shower now?” He asked me after a while, “You are delicious. Just
so you know.”

At that I hid my face in my hands because I started crying again. I hated this,
I hated him. I hated him more than I hated my Da for giving me to him. For
making me this…disgusting perverted toy for him to use. I wanted my body back.
I wanted my control back and at the Villa I knew I would have none. Not even a
little bit and I would be locked in a room naked with at least one person who
was imagining the things he wanted to do to me if he was allowed to. Locked in
a room where I couldn’t touch or comfort or be touched or comforted by the one
person that actually mattered.

“You’re all right beautiful,” he said grabbing my hands making sure I couldn’t
hide my tears, “God you’re so sexy when you cry…” he said kissing my tears
grabbing the back of my neck so I couldn’t pull away. I knew he was going to
rape me again. I just knew it so, I laid down.

He did. He climbed on top of me even though I was crying and I wouldn’t look at
him and he used me. Cumming inside of me and then rolling me onto my side
spooning me. Leaning over me to turn off the table on the night stand and
throwing the room into darkness.

“We should get to bed. We have to get up and leave early to get to the Villa on
time. In about an hour let me know if you’ve had trouble falling asleep so I
can give you something. Because you won’t be sleeping that much on Saturday
night ok baby?” He said kissing my shoulder blade and laying his forehead there
against me.

I somehow managed to fall asleep but I had a horrible nightmare. Instead of a
camera hanging from the canopy it was a bunch of greasy old man standing around
the bed telling Leo what to do to me. some of them were laughing, others
licking their lips and the rest jacking off. I felt someone tickling my feet
and looked up still struggling to speak like I had the night before. Struggling
to tell him no and as I looked up I saw Chad naked tickling my feet as Leo
motioned at him to come up to the head of the bed as he rolled his hips bucking
up inside of me as I finally managed to scream.

“WOAH! BABY!” I heard my eyes snapping open, “There you are. It’s ok baby,
you’re ok. It was just a bad dream.”

I was shaking, breathing heavy. My whole body buzzing. I didn’t want him
touching me. I didn’t want his hand on my hip. His body pressed against mine.

“Can I go shower?” I barely whimpered.

“Well…” he sighed, “You did wake me up and I am feeling frisky…maybe let me
play a little bit? Your kind of a little swollen in some places so maybe I just
focus on kissing everywhere?” he said grinding against me.

“Please don’t,” I begged.

I didn’t want him giving me oral. I didn’t want him touching me anymore. I
didn’t want anyone touching me anymore until I had to let them. I honestly
wanted to peel my skin off because was tired of having to feel it tingle and
vibrate with his touches, his pokes and prods.

“Ok baby, but only because you asked so nicely,” he said, “You can go shower.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly standing up and going into the bathroom shutting
the door behind me.

I turned on the shower and sat in the bottom of the tub letting the water pour
over me as hot as I could stand it. I found a mirror hanging on the wall and
pushed it down breaking it in the bottom of the tub and I grabbed the most
jagged piece there was stabbing myself in the leg and dragging it across my
skin over and over and over until the water stung when it hit my body. None of
them were deep even though I had wished they were.

I didn’t get out of the shower until I was sure I was done bleeding and climbed
back into bed just wanting to sleep, not wanting him to be near me. It felt
like for once he didn’t. I managed to sleep. Managed to actually feel like I
was breathing the whole time too instead of having his skin pressed against my
skin. Instead of him making me feel dirty like the whore I was.

I was woken up early, so early the sun was barely awake and Leo gave me some
clothes which I put on slowly, “What’s that?” He asked pointing to my leg.

“Nothing,” I mumbled trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

“No. That’s something. What did you do?” He asked me again.

“Nothing. It’s nothing Leo,” I insisted.

“You cut yourself, didn’t you?” He asked me, “You’re Dad is going to be
pissed.”

“At least it was my choice,” I answered, “What? Does it make me less
marketable?”

“No, just people don’t like seeing boys marked up even if they did it to
themselves. It’s easy enough to explain and none of them looked deep so I’m
sure it won’t be an issue,” Leo told me, “You ready to go?”

I swallowed. No, I wasn’t ready to go. I wasn’t ready to go back to that little
piece of hell on earth. I never wanted to go there again.

“Why are you so nervous? Isn’t this like your third party?” He asked me.

“Second,” I replied, “And I …someone helped make it so I didn’t remember my
first.”

“Ah someone gave you some good drugs?” He asked me and I nodded my head,
“That’s ok. You’ll be with Dobbs. I’m pretty sure Tom isn’t a bad guy other
than his…well anyway. You’ll be fine. I’m sure.”

I just nodded my head again. I didn’t like the sound of Dobbs and his group
activities even if there was a promise no group stuff would happen. The whole
damn thing was group stuff as far as I knew.

“RICH! ARE YOU READY TO GO?” Leo called out as he led me out of his bedroom and
into the living room.

“Yeah Dad. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” Rich said coming out of his bedroom
fully dressed.

“Ok, I want you in the back with John. You know the rules once we get close
enough I want the bags on your heads. I’ll tell you when all right?” Leo said
looking at Rich.

“Yeah totally,” Rich answered nodding his head as he opened the door and we
headed down the garage and got in the car.

We didn’t stop for any food just started on our way towards the Villa. The ride
was quiet Rich laying his head back and going to sleep and suggesting I do the
same because there wasn’t much sleep the be had once we got there. Somehow even
though there was barely any space between us managed to fall back into an
uneasy sleep at least for a while. Until we hit a rest stop and Leo woke us up
to us the bathroom and then put the bags over our heads so we couldn’t see
where we were going.
***** 26 *****
Chapter Summary
     John ends up at a Villa party. He learns more about Dick's intentions
     towards him and has to deal with several people he wasn't prepared to
     deal with.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 478 to 513 Warnings: Rape/non-con, underage, sounding, light
     bondage, mentions of physical abuse, mental health issues.
When the road turned bumpy I knew we were almost there even though I couldn’t
see anything through the bag I was told not to remove from my head. I tensed up
not ready for this, not ready to be awake and coherent for this. I was scared.
I was so scared my brain wasn’t really working as I fidgeted nervously waiting
for the car to stop moving, waiting for us to pull up into the drive way of
that massive stone monster of a house. The car lurched to a stop.

I took a deep breath expecting Leo to pull me out of the car by my arms but he
didn’t instead he gently opened my door and grabbed my shoulder lightly
allowing me to pull the bag off of my head, “Hi there beautiful,” he said
looking at me closely, “You all right?”

I swallowed and nodded my head just as another car pulled up in the drive and
noticed it was my Da’s car. At first, I was confused because why would he be
there if Leo had taken me? Then I realized something, and I almost fell over
with the weight of it.
Will. He was bringing Will and maybe even Mike and Matt. That shouldn’t happen,
that couldn’t be happening. He stepped out of the car and sure enough opened up
one of the backdoors grabbing someone who was smaller than I was but just
barely taking the bag off his face even though his hands were bound.

“Da no!” I shouted at him grabbing his attention as he smiled over at me,
Will’s eyes meeting mine along with Da’s.

“He’s fine it’s not his first ride,” Da said, “I’m happy to see you baby.” He
came up to me causing me to try and back away and failing because Leo still had
a hold of my arm sending a squeeze up it warning me to behave myself.

“Hey Connor,” Leo said, “How is your younger one?”

“Nervous. This is his first party besides his induction so he’s a little upset
I think,” he said, “Aren’t you Will?”

Will nodded his head no looking at anyone, not even me. I was scared for him. I
didn’t know what exactly was going to happen barely remembering what happened
during my first party but Rich got out of the car and followed behind me to the
door as Da pulled Will by the zip tie binding his hands together forward and
they knocked. Mr. Lord answered the door smiling.

“Welcome,” he said smiling at all of us his eyes lingering on Will, “I see you
brought one of the special ones with you.”

“Yeah, it was time for him to come back,” Da said pulling Will forward into
Lord’s arms making Will freeze up as Lord caught him staring at him closely.

“He’s tall for his age,” Mr. Lord commented, “Always so tall”

“Yes,” Da answered.

“That’s ok, though isn’t it? Nothing wrong with being a little tall,” he said
glancing at me before his eyes went back to Will. He was creepy.

His eyes always seemed cold that look never really crossing his face when he
glanced at me at least not in the same aspect. Yeah, he wanted to hurt me but
he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. I could see it in his face. However, I also
knew that he liked little boys, little little boys like James. Who he seemed to
favor in ways that made my blood boil and made me want to dig his eyes out with
a rusty spoon. He knew I hated him too which could be another reason he never
looked at me that way.

“Well are we going inside?” Leo asked from where he was standing behind the
three of us.

“Of course, sorry,” Mr. Lord said moving aside allowing us in the house and
stopping us in the foyer, “You know the rules gentlemen clothes off from this
point.

“Right of course,” Da said starting to undo his shirt.

“Of course, I know the rules. Why do you think this one is only wearing a t-
shirt and sweat pants?” Leo smiled grabbing my hips and grinding against me
making me pull forward, trying to pull away.

“That one can be skittish,” Da said eyeing me as he kicked his shoes off, “He’s
sweet though.”

“Oh yeah,” Leo said behind me, “Very very sweet in a lot of different ways.”

“Yes, god he’s blushing he’s adorable,” Mr. Lord said, “I have to say that in
that aspect these two are nothing alike. Will isn’t nearly as twitchy.”

“Very true, however you give John the right motivation he can be more than
accommodating,” My Da answered.

“Da,” I whispered keeping my eyes down. I didn’t want them talking about me
like that. Like I wasn’t there, like I was some type of pet for them to use. If
we waited there silent long enough they would be discussing in front of Will
and Dick how sweet I tasted.

“Hey dad he’s not getting undressed can I …?” Rich said raising an eyebrow at
his Dad.

“Ask Mr. Lord,” Leo answered looking at Rich who was already undressed.

“Sir?” Rich said walking up to Mr. Lord and tapping him on the shoulder
whispering something in his ear.

Mr. Lord cocked an eyebrow at him, “Really? He’s your type?” He said and I felt
like someone had just slammed me the chest with their fist as he looked at me.

I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head knowing I wasn’t allowed to
say no. I knew I wasn’t allowed to say no. So, Rich meant what he said last
night about how he found me interesting.

“Ok go for it,” Mr. Lord said causing me to huff and stamp my foot in protest.

“John behave, and be nice to your friend,” My Da said to me as Rich licked his
lips looking at me.

“It’s ok,” he cooed coming towards me causing me to back up as Leo grabbed me
by the elbows when I bounced off of him lightly.

They all smiled at me watching me besides Will who refused to look at anything
but his feet. Dick was bigger than I was, older. He was probably closer to 6’1
and 17 and while he wasn’t fat he was muscular, more adult then I was
considering my age, height and weight. Being 13 years old and maybe 98 pounds I
was no match for him. I may as well had been fighting against my Da or Leo if
he wanted to hurt me that’s how much ability I had to fight against him.

“Hey, hey John, it’s ok,” Dick said again placing a hand on my chin as I
struggled against Leo’s hands pinning my arms to my sides and Dick undid the
draw string on my sweat pants. Loosening them and letting them drop leaving me
naked from the waist down.

He looked down at me his eyes lighting up, “Look at that,” he said touching me
as I kept struggling against Leo, “I can see why they like you. Your prefect.”
He muttered.

I didn’t want this. I wanted him to stop. This wasn’t cool.

“What happened to your Dad’s sloppy seconds?” I asked looking at him only for a
second before I turned away not wanting to look at his face while he touched me
like that.

“Aww shit, why did you have to remind me of that?” Dick said stopping and
backing away.

“You can share,” Leo said looking at Rich.

“Nah, never mind,” Rich said.

“Fathers and sons share boys all the time,” Lord said looking at Dick, “It’s ok
to do that you know? Love the same boy, look at him. He’s beautiful. Those
green eyes that glow like emeralds. You can’t deny how pretty they are. I know
from experience they look great when the pupils are dilated with fear.”

“No thank you sir,” Rich said, “I’m good.”

“Ok suit yourself, maybe you’ll change your mind later. If you do help
yourself,” he said as Leo pulled my shirt over my head leaving me standing
there naked next to my little brother, “This way guys if you will,” Mr. Lord
said walking down the hallway leading us into the narrower darker hallway where
the room was they locked us in. Will stepped through the door first followed by
me and then Dick.

“Are you ok?” I asked Will looking at him.

“Yeah, I’m all right,” he answered, “You?”

“Scared,” I said looking back at Dick and grabbing Will gently by the elbow
pulling him a way to a corner where Dom was already sitting on a cot. A blanket
already wrapped around him as he sat criss cross apple sauce on it.

“Hey,” I said quietly looking at Dom who sighed and looked up smiling sadly.

“Hi there,” he replied, “You look stunning.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“The bruise on your neck,” Dom said making me aware of it causing me to touch
it lightly.

“Oh,” I answered, “I huh, I pushed him away.”

“Leo?” Will asked grabbing a folded blanket from the corner and wrapping it
around himself and then grabbing one for me so I could do that same.

“Yeah,” I answered,

“He choked you?” He frowned at me.

I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know what to say. I thought it was
obvious he choked me. I didn’t feel like sharing our rules especially not with
my little brother right there. I just nodded my head and sighed wrapping the
blanket around myself and sitting down next to Dom.

“How long have you been here?” I asked Dom changing the subject.

“Since yesterday after school,” Dom answered, “The real party hasn’t started
yet though so it’s not like there’s been a lot going on. Mostly it’s been me by
myself in this room a couple ones have been in and out, Burgess or huh Adam is
here,” Dom said.
“Really? Where is… oh,” I said.

“Yeah, that question you asked me that I wouldn’t answer. it’s Lou, that’s
huh…” Dom trailed off.

“Ok, I was just wondering because the way you talk about him it reminds me of
Da. I’d rather not have me or Will anywhere near him if I can help it,” I
answered.

Dom snorted tears in his eyes as he laughed, “Yeah no fucking kidding.”

“Who?” Will asked sitting down next to me.

“No one, it doesn’t matter,” I said.

Dom cleared his throat and shot me a look, “You can’t protect him here no
matter how badly you want to. He has the right to know.”

“Fine, you tell him then,” I said, “Is he already here?”

“Yeah. They are entertaining themselves with Adam and some other people, Will
won’t really have to worry about Pop but Dad he’ll have to be weary of,” Dom
told me, “Will you know I have two fathers, right?”

“I’ve heard people talk about it but I wasn’t sure,” Will answered.

“Well, I have my Pop and he’s a lot like your Dad he’s gentle he huh… god I
hate talking about this bullshit. He’ll be probably more into John and John
knows what to expect I’m guessing but my Dad his name is Tanner. He can be
gentle too but he can also be really mean and he likes your age group. He has a
thing for blonds too so just be careful, all right? If he has a chance with you
don’t look at him. Just do whatever he says. He doesn’t bite or anything but he
doesn’t like to use lube so just if you don’t look at him he’ll be nicer
because he’ll take you for shy ok?” Dom told him.

“Ok, I got it thanks. Anyone else I need to be aware of?” Will asked.

It amazed me how adult he was being almost like he was a different person. Like
he was ready to deal with it. Like he was almost ok with being raped.

“Huh, I don’t know some of the guys around here that you would get their
attention are more into personality. Watch out for Balton he’s into your age
he’s rough, John still falls within his range too he likes sounding. Dobbs
you’re a little too young for but you’re tall enough he might not care and he’s
more like my Pop too. However, he gets off on the struggle so if you are …if
you relent with enough people before he gets to you he won’t be interested ok?”
Dom told both of us.

“When you say he gets off on the struggle you mean he likes to fight with you?”
I asked.

“Huh, yeah he likes to slap you but just enough that it’ll bruise. I’ve never
heard of him breaking bones or anything like that or choking,” Dom answered.

“Do you know who is going to be here?” I asked.

“Anderson is already here. He brought both Chad and Tyler. Tyler is Will’s age.
I don’t know where either of them are but …” Dom shrugged his shoulders.

“Did they leave you alone with him?” I asked.

“John if they did what would you do about it? I mean really?” Dom said.

“Beat his ass,” I answered.

“What are you guys talking about?” Will asked.

“You don’t need to worry about it,” I told Will, “Did they?”

“John, it doesn’t matter right now,” Dom warned me.

“Yeah it does. It matters to me. He’s been doing that stuff to you since you
were a kid Dom and he doesn’t have any right to,” I said shaking my head.

“You want to put yourself in the back room along with me? With Anderson and
Hank? Really? Is that what you really want? Because that’s what going after
Chad will fucking get us so don’t. Don’t do anything. Don’t even talk to him
because I can’t do the back room again. I get too many absences this year and
I’m going to flunk out, Watson has already warned my Dad’s all right? I’d
rather avoid being in the back room if you please,” Dom warned me.

“Ok fine, I won’t even look at the son of a bitch ok?” I hissed.

“HEY!” Dom said, “Watch the language all right? It’ll draw attention you don’t
want.”

“Ok, sorry,” I said.

“Chad? You mean that older kid who is always looking at John weird?” Will
asked.

Dom shot Will a look as if to say, “I can’t believe you just said that.”

“Dom, I already know ok? Dick told me,” I said.

“What? About Chad’s crush on you? Yeah, I told him,” Dick said walking up.

“Why is he here?” Dom asked me.

“Leo brought him,” I said.

“You want to play?” Dick said looking at Dom, “I don’t usually come to these
anymore but, I decided I’m game so… why don’t you come with me?”

Dom went pale and his eyes went wide. I knew what Dick was implying, Dick
didn’t need permission to touch Dom because Dom was a two where I was a five
the same level Dick probably was. I knew Dom wasn’t into that.

“Dick,” I said looking at him.

“Hey, it’d be you if you hadn’t so kindly reminded me my Dad fucked you at
least twice last night. I want a different toy even though I’m trying to figure
out why Dom isn’t my dad’s type when you two seem to have so much in common.
Maybe it’s the eyes?” Dick said.

Dom sighed and stood up, “Can we go in the bathroom?” He asked.

“Why? Don’t want your boyfriend to watch? He might like it,” Dick said smiling
as I clenched my fist in anger.

“No. I don’t want the 11-year-old watching ok? Is that so wrong?” Dom asked
Dick.

“I guess not,” Dick said, “Come on…” he gestured for Dom to follow him and Dom
sighed standing up leaving his blanket on his cot.

He was too thin, his ribs countable. He was a lot thinner than he had been last
time I saw him naked but he didn’t seem to have any new scars. Not on his chest
or stomach his brand scar a white II big and bold on his right hip his hip bone
sticking out sharply, his stomach almost concave. It felt weird seeing him
naked. Noticing his body like that and realizing I had been just as naked when
I had walked into the room.

Dom didn’t look back as he went into the bathroom and Dick closed the door
behind them. It was hard to stomach the idea that Dick was in there raping my
friend. Forcing him to do things with him probably making Dom get on his knees
so he could suck Dick off doing dirty things to him, making him hate himself.

“Are they having sex?” Will asked me looking at, me snapping me out of my
shock.

“Huh, yeah,” I answered my tongue going to my back molar.

“But Dom doesn’t want to do that,” Will said.

“No, he doesn’t,” I answered.

“Was Rich going to have sex with you?” He asked me, meaning in the foyer when
we had walked into the Villa.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“That’s bullshit,” Will told me.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Are guys going to do that to me too? Guys my age like Rich is your age?” Will
asked me.

“I don’t know Will, but Rich is older than we are. Rich is 17.” I answered.

“Oh,” Will said, “Does it hurt just as much?”

“I don’t know I haven’t…he hasn’t done anything to me yet,” I answered, “Even
though I think he will. That it’s just a matter of time.”

“Why because he’s Leo’s son?” Will asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“I’m sorry,” Will told me.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I said to him, “Is Uncle Ben here yet? I
didn’t see him with you guys when you came.”

“He’s not coming,” Will answered.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Someone has to stay with everyone,” Will told me, “Da basically offered…I
can’t even think about it John.”

“Mike and Matt?” I asked shaking my head, “He’s doing very bad things to them,
isn’t he?”

“I’ve tried to get Da to tell him it’s not ok but…he won’t, He said I had to
choose. Choose whether I wanted James to come here and entertain Mr. Lord
privately or if I wanted Matt and Mike to be safe at home. He made me choose
John,” Will said and I could see the tears forming in his eyes as he shook his
head wiping at his eyes furiously with his blanket.

“He shouldn’t have done that to you,” I said looking at Will.

I felt sick. My Da was turning Will against himself, against Matt and Mike,
making what Uncle Ben did to them tonight his fault. Making him feel
responsible for their abuse just like Da had done to me before. Made me choose
whether it was going to be me or someone else only worse.

“You did the right thing,” I told Will.

“Then how come it feels so lousy?” He asked me, “How come I feel like I did
something wrong?”

“Because it’s a shit choice,” I answered, “But look at it this way. At least at
home with Uncle Ben you know it’s just going to be Uncle Ben. No one else is
going to be there and they are used to him by now. They know what he wants,
what they can and cannot do where James he’s just little tiny and we can’t be
sure it would just Mr. Lord by himself if Da brought James here because there
are plenty of guys who would…”

Will nodded his head, “You’re right. That’s why I told Da I was ok with this.
With coming here and doing this and that I was ok with …”

“Ok with what?” I asked him.

Will shook his head, “You’re going to be so mad.” he said gulping as he looked
at me the shame on his face evident.

“I won’t be mad with you. Not ever ok?” I said trying to comfort him, “Tell me,
I know you need to talk about it so tell me.”

“You won’t be upset you promise?” he asked me wiping at his eyes again.

“No,” I swore. “I won’t be upset with you and I’ll stay calm no freaking out
ok? I swear I’ll try my best.”

“He made me make a movie,” Will told me.

Just hearing it I had to close my eyes to control my anger. It wasn’t at him it
was at Da. When Da had made me make my first movie he had let a group of men
rape me in front of Tony, in front of a camera. That experience still haunted
me. Them shackling me down making me sit on the one guys lap while one of the
others blew me. I didn’t want to imagine my little brother that way. Imagine
having people do those things to him.

“Did he do it at home?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” Will answered me, “It was him and this other guy and they wore these
masks and it…it hurt a lot. They did really bad things. They tied me up and…I
couldn’t move. It scared me and I had to try so hard to not cry John. He put a
blind fold on me so I couldn’t see what they were doing but, the one guy used
his teeth on…”

He faltered in telling me his whole body shaking with fear just remembering.
His whole being beyond upset, his brain stuck in that moment. I wanted to
comfort him. To try and pull him out and away from it. I wanted to jump into
his head go back in time to that moment and take a baseball bat to whoever that
guy was that Da had invited over. I don’t think Will had ever done group stuff
before, besides his initiaton and that time on the dining room floor with Da
and Uncle Ben and me but even that was different from your Da letting some
stranger that you didn’t know do those things to you.

“Hey, I’m right here. It’s not happening right now you’re all right,” I said
quietly offering him my hand before he threw his arms around my neck hugging me
tightly and I hugged him back holding him pressing my lips to his temple, “It’s
ok Will. I’m right here no one is hurting you right now. You’re safe, ok?
You’re safe.”

“I don’t feel very safe,” he whimpered into my neck as I held him rocking him
gently.

“I know,” I said, “But I’m here and for this moment we’re safe ok? Just for
right now we’re safe.”

I heard the door open behind me but I didn’t bother to look up. I didn’t care,
my brother needed me. He needed me to hold onto him and to lie and tell him it
was going to be ok even though we both knew it wasn’t because sometimes just
hearing it makes you feel better. Makes you believe that one day it might
actually be ok.

“Hey,” I heard him say quietly behind me making me sigh with relief for just a
minute before I remembered where we were.

“Pat,” I said as he sat down a blanket already wrapped around him.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, “I see custody might not work out the way it should.”

I smiled at him lightly running a hand through my baby brother’s hair trying to
comfort him his face still buried in my shoulder. He needed me. He needed me to
love him like a normal person loves their brother. Like a normal father would
love his son even though I wasn’t his Da. He needed me to offer him what a
parent would offer a child because I was one of the only parents he had ever
really known or trusted.

“Yeah, it’s a bad day. We’re ok though,” I said not letting go of my brother.

“Hi Will,” Pat said softly, “It’s going to be ok all right?” Pat repeated my
lie.

Will looked up from where he had his face buried trying to get comfort from me
and saw Pat looking at him, trying to offer him some support without touching
him. Without touching us and he nodded his head.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, “I just…”

“You’re fine kiddo. Not a single thing you need to be sorry about, ok?” Pat
said nodding his head giving Will a serious but sad smile.

“Ok,” Will said pulling away from me but still sitting close to me, pulling his
blanket even tighter around himself, “How are you doing Pat?”

“I’m doing all right,” Pat answered, “A little nervous but I usually am when I
come here. I tend to not be able to watch my tempter so I end up in the back
room but otherwise I’m all right. You?”

“I’ll be ok,” Will answered.

“All right and you John?” Pat asked me.

“Yeah, I think so,” I answered just as Cole and Toshi walked over.

“Where’s Dom?” Cole asked, “I thought he was supposed to hang out with you and
Tosh.”

“He is he’s in the bathroom taking care of something,” I answered.

Pat’s face fell. His eyes flashing with anger, “Who?”

“Pat, he said not to,” Will said looking at Pat, “He said to just leave it
alone because he didn’t want the back room.”

“Who? You need to tell me who,” Pat said his face hard.

“Dick,” I answered.

“Oh no,” Pat said an angry smile on his face, “I’m going to kick his ass
Monday. I will kick his ass so bad my toes will be coming out of his mouth.”

“He’s a lot bigger than we are Pat,” I answered.

“I don’t give a flying fuck,” Pat replied, “I’m going to kick his ass.”

Just then Dom walked out of the bathroom sighing. He looked tired worn out but
his face was expressionless. Like he was emotionally dead or had shut down in
order to deal with it. He sat down and grabbed his blanket wrapping it around
himself.

“What time is it?” Dom asked laying directly on his side staring at Pat.

Pat sighed, “It was like 10ish when we got here so not too far past 10 I’m
guessing. It’s going to be a very long day.”

“You can say that again,” Dom said, “I’m going to take a nap if it’s ok with
you guys?”

He sighed looking at everyone like he was asking the group we had formed in the
corner of the room to disperse so he could actually relax. I sighed I felt
tired too. Too tired to stay awake anymore not having gotten a lot of sleep the
night before.
“Ok so is Will going to be coming with us or…?” Cole asked.

“I don’t know Ra—I mean John and Will need to decide that,” Pat said, “Know you
can trust me to do my best to protect him though ok?”

“I’m not a baby you guys,” Will said looking at us, “I can go with Pat. It’ll
be fine really.”

“You sure?” I asked Will.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to leave my side knowing the type of men that
were here. Knowing that some of them would be after him because of his bright
green eyes and pretty blond hair, because some of them had a type and he fix
that type to a tee. Just like I was Hank’s type because of my physical traits.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Will answered, “I’ll keep Pat’s mind off of what’s happening
to you and remind him how much you love him.”

I felt myself blush, “Ok and Tosh will hang out with Dom and I?” I asked
looking at Cole.

“Yeah,” Cole said nodding his head, “Tosh hang out over here with Dom and John
ok?”

“Yeah, I will,” Tosh said nodding his head, “I’ll see you later ok?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” Cole said nodding his head, “God this is going to
be so hard, but I won’t do it. I promised you I wouldn’t so I won’t ok?”

“Wouldn’t do what?” I asked.

“Use drugs, I’m full sober have been for about a month. Tosh told me he would
quit if I did so we’ve both stopped using,” Cole answered looking at me,
“You’ll stay with him, right?”

“Yeah Cole, of course,” I said nodding my head.

“Guys seriously,” Dom moaned from his cot.

“We’re done,” I said looking at Cole as he walked away towards where Will and
Pat already were on the other side of the room.

Tosh sat down on the cot on the other side of me and then pulled his blanket
closer around him, “Well Dom is napping so I will I.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” I said laying down on my own cot in-between
them, “Have a good nap.”

“You too John,” Tosh replied.

“Guys please quit talking. My ass is sore and I’m tired,” Dom said causing me
to laugh a little bit.

“Sorry Dom. Sleep well,” I answered.

“Yeah now be quiet,” he said chuckling softly.

I curled up and slept but I don’t know for how long. All I know is that after a
while it was harder to sleep because it got louder as more boys started to
filter into the room. When I finally opened my eyes, I found Dom sitting up
quietly talking with Tosh who was at the foot of Dom’s cot and I looked around
the room and spotted Pat and Will and Cole in a different corner of the room.

“There’s a lot of people here,” I said looking around.

“Da,” Dom answered nodding his head, “Adam is asleep on my other side,” he said
turning his head and looking at the lump on that cot.

“Is he ok?” I asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Nice to see you again man,” Adam said sitting up and
stretching his lightly tanned arms raised over his head.

“Nice to see you too. How are you doing?” I asked him.

“I’m all right,” Adam answered, “I don’t know it’s huh, different like you told
me about you know?”

“Yeah,” I answered as a group of men came into the room loudly.

“Ok, now line up please and follow us,” They said as everyone stood up. This
young boy with light red hair trying to take his blanket with him.

“Nope you won’t need that,” One of the guys said plucking the blanket away from
him making the boy’s face glow red as he used his hands to cover himself
causing the guy to laugh. The boy had to be no older then Will my little
brother maybe a year or two younger, closer in age in Matt and Mikey as he
shivered in fear so afraid he couldn’t look at the guy who had snatched his
blanket away. He was by far the youngest in the room.

I felt bad seeing him there. Watching him surrounded by us, these older taller
kids who were just as frightened as he was. The fact we were all scared too
probably didn’t help to comfort him. I noticed Pat walk up to the boy and say
something quietly to him pointing in my direction as the boy walked over to me.

“I’m Alex,” he said.

“Hi Alex, I’m John,” I said introducing myself calmly, “What did he say?”

“He said you’d help me,” he told me, “Will you help me?”

“Yeah, we can help you ok?” I said waving him towards me, “This is my friend
Dom, and this is our friend Tosh.”

“Hi,” he said quietly.

“Hi,” Dom said glancing at me sadly.

We knew where this kid was going. Who he was probably going to end up with. I
know it hit Dom the same way it hit me, like the whole room was closing in and
I couldn’t breathe but I had to keep calm. Had to make it appear like I was ok
for this kid just like I would have done for any of my brothers. I had to let
myself die a little bit on the inside while smiling and trying to remain calm.

“How old are you Alex?” Dom asked looking at him.

“Ten,” he answered, “He said there was a bad man here. A really bad one that
you knew. That I had to listen to you.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Can you build a castle in your head?”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“Like close your eyes and build a place where they can’t ever touch you. Just
keep your eyes closed and go there, give it all the guns and food, and
protection you need so they can never get in there with you. I need you to try
and do that ok?” I said to him.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head.

“Come on hurry up everyone is coming,” The guy said again looking around the
room at the ones of us who hadn’t lined up yet.

I touched his shoulder gently leading him forward as Tosh and Dom followed
behind us. I had never done this before and usually they pulled people from the
room in smaller groups but whatever this was they were making everyone come
into the main meeting area. And then it dawned on me. A couple of the kids here
around my age and this younger boy didn’t have brands. This was a branding
ceremony. I felt sick to my stomach remembering how my skin had felt numb on
the inside of my brand but the outside had burned so badly I was shaking
because the pain had been so intense and I could imagine this little boy going
through that.

“I’m scared,” he said whispering in my ear trying to reach my height by
standing on his tip toes.

“Me too. You can squeeze my hand if you need to ok?” I said and he nodded his
head taking my hand and squeezing as hard as he could which, didn’t really hurt
at all.

We started walking silently. All of us naked moving towards where they wanted
us to be, into that big stone room that felt too big to be an indoor space. The
one with the fire in the heath burning behind where the Leader stood to give
his speeches. He cleared his throat as we filed into the room.

“Members,” he said smiling, his long black robe looking intimidating even
though that was probably the only thing he was wearing, “We are gathered today
to add to our ranks and after to celebrate. Celebrate a clear and honest
victory within our society. One of our own has been promoted within the
civilian world, within the world that ridicules and prosecutes those like us.
However, he has achieved a high rank within his chosen career. One that will
help us, along with Judge Townley and Judge Witticure. I now give you Detective
Hank Kingly,” he said gesturing to Hank who came forward.

“Thank you, brothers,” Hank said smiling, “Thank you Lord. I hope to do you
proud. Any files that the department had that mentioned anyone in this room,
that file has now gone missing. Think of it as me paying tribute to you my
brothers, my family.”
Everyone clapped and Mr. Lore came back to the center of the room, “Now step
forward brothers Thomson, Murdoc and Statin,” he said as three men stepped
forward, “Roll your die and that is how many men it will take to make your
initiation only the fives and fours among you will be able to participate.
After that we will do the auction and then we shall begin.”

The three men stepped forward. The first one rolled a six, the second a 3 and
the third rolled a 2. There were several men at least 11 or 12 that stepped
forward to draw their red stones. I didn’t see who drew which and I didn’t care
at that point until they ripped Alex’s hand out of mine.

“Remember to build your castle,” I told him as Dom grabbed my shoulder
reminding me I couldn’t do anything to help this kid. That there wasn’t
anything I was allowed to do at all.

“Bottom fives come forward,” Mr. Lord said and everyone who was a five stepped
forward as I took a deep breath and did the same, “Come up here my boys,” he
said waving us up towards to front so we could stand next to him.

I stepped forward into the clear area so I was in front of everyone with the
other six or seven boys that I didn’t really know most of them Asian which I
found very weird to be honest, making me feel even more singled out then if I
had been the only one with red hair, which I was. I stood there not sure what
exactly was going on. I kept my hands in front of me using them to shield
myself as I watched their eyes looking at all of us.

“This,” he said grabbing a boy slightly older than I was by the look of him
somewhere in the line to my right, “Is Ryuu, he is recruit tracked so he’s very
cooperative. He’s quiet, submissive and doesn’t mind pain. However, he will do
whatever you want. Any takers for Sponsor?”

He waited several minutes as people started raising their hands, “We’re
starting at 5 anyone willing to go for a 5? Ok how about 6...” People kept
raising their hands until it got down to two different men one of them finally
giving up at the number 15, “Mr. McKay will be your sponsor Ryuu have fun…”

This happened to every boy on the stage until it got to me. I felt my stomach
drop. I didn’t want whatever this was to happen. I knew what a Sponsor was but
I had been told Dobbs would be my sponsor so I didn’t know why I was standing
on stage with everyone else listening to the numbers get called out repeatedly
as the number of hands became fewer and fewer and the number went higher
finally stopping at 25. I sighed closing my eyes hoping against hope it was
Dobbs, that it was the person it was supposed to be because he supposedly
wouldn’t make me do group stuff which I couldn’t stand the thought of.

“Johnathan your Sponsor is Dobbs,” Mr. Lord said as this guy who was tall and
muscular almost like my Da came towards me and grabbed me by the arm gently
taking me from the room and towards the main foyer and then started taking me
up the stairs.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Room 6,” he answered as he made me keep walking up the stairs.

“What are we doing?” I asked.

“This isn’t your first party you should know what we’re doing,” he answered for
me, “You have a Sponsor you get a room. Anyone who wants you signs up outside
and needs my approval to play.”

“To play?” I asked scared what that meant but knowing it was probably what I
thought it was.

“You know,” he said turning around and looking at me his eyes traveling up and
down my frame quickly before he turned back around facing the direction we were
going in, “Play. I’ll give you some numbing cream and stuff. You’ll be fine.”

“Numbing cream?” I asked stopping in front of the door causing him to yank on
my arm a little harder than he probably intended because he mumbled a sorry to
me.

“Yes, unless you don’t want something to numb your ass. However, I plan to have
you entertaining a lot of my close friends so you might want it,” he said
grabbing my arm and pulling this time little then he had before.

I sighed and allowed him to pull me forward into the room knowing that fighting
back would get me in trouble. That being resistant would get my name in the
bowl as I sighed trying to ignore the fact this guy was going to rape me and
let other people rape me too. That my Da and Leo were letting this happen to
me.

When he got me into the bedroom I noticed it was a bed similar to my new one at
home, a metal bedframe only there were shackles attached to each side of it as
well as to the foot board. He looked at me grabbing my chin making me look into
his eyes.
“Time for rules beautiful,” he told me as I turned away my gaze. I didn’t want
to look at him anymore, “If you’re good I won’t restrain you. However, if you
struggle physically I will. I don’t want to hear no, don’t, stop, please, I
can’t, I won’t… No objections at all because while Leo might like hearing it I
don’t. If you say it once I’ll warn you, you say it a second time I’ll get a
little rough and you say it a third time then I will gag you and your name goes
in the bowl. You understand me?” He asked.

I nodded my head. The bowl meant punishment, the bowl meant potential death. I
had too many people that I had to live for, too many things I had to do. So,
keeping my mouth shut was something I had to try my best to do.

“Good as long as you understand,” he said pushing me towards the bed, “Lay
down.”

I looked at him. I didn’t want to lay down for him. I didn’t want to do this. I
knew I didn’t have a choice though, “What’s your name?” I asked wondering if he
would give me permission to call him anything.

“Just call me Dobbs or Daddy. It’s up to you,” he answered pushing me a bit
rougher this time, “I said lay down.”

I did. I laid down. He climbed on top of me his hands automatically going to my
hips his thumbs running along the outer ridge of my hip bones as he pressed his
pelvis too mine both of us already naked. I wanted to push him away. I really
did but I resisted the urge as he started kissing my neck. His kisses slowly
making their way to my cheek and then my lips, his tongue finding its way into
my mouth as his hands slowly traced its way down my ribs.

“God Leo was right you do feel good. You are prefect,” he said, “Do I have to
stretch you out?”

“Wha?” The question caught me off guard. I knew what he was referring to but
the feeling of him against my skin had me blanking out trying to find a way to
be somewhere else in my head. Anywhere else. I didn't want this and was
desperate to get any escape I could.

“When was the last time you had sex?” He asked me flat out.

“I don’t know like 1am,” I guessed.

“So maybe,” he said pumping something into his hand from a giant bottle with a
pump that I was pretty sure was lube and he coated a finger with it, “Ok knees
up legs spread.”

I did as I was told trying to relax my body so it would hurt less as his finger
circled around my entrance making it slick before he stuck a finger in slowly
making me gasps.

“It’s ok baby,” he told me as I bit my lip to keep myself quiet because I
didn’t want to anger him, didn’t want him to have any reason to put my name in
the bowl. He prodded, rubbing. The feeling of his fingers moving in and out
slowly making my eyes go wide, “That’s it. I’d say your kind of in-between. Not
really retightened but not wide enough to take me on without preparation.” He
mumbled adding another finger making me whimper.

“That’s allowed,” he said as my eyes went wide with fear, “No words though.
Ok?” He said and I nodded my head closing my eyes trying to block him out
again, trying to forget where I was and what was happening to me.

“You are a good one,” he said again adding yet another finger. All of them
wiggling and moving inside of me as he started thrusting them in and out of me.
His other hand grabbing my dick and starting to rub up and down my shaft. Doing
his best to get my body to respond to him. Just then there was a soft knock on
the door.

“Come in,” he called turning his head away from me looking at the person who
was coming in, “Hey man you going to help?” He asked.

“Yeah, I brought some toys if that’s ok,” Lou said holding up a black zip up
pouch like Leo had that probably had similar metal rods in here.

I wanted to say no. I wanted to scream, to say no and I knew I couldn’t. I
swallowed, “I…I thought there wasn’t going to be group stuff. Leo told me he
wasn’t going to do group stuff.”

“Well, I’m your Sponsor not Leo and I really like playing group games so we’re
going to,” Dobbs answered, “Where is Tanner?” He asked.

“Tanner is busy. However, one of the trackers asked me if he could play,” Lou
answered, “You might know him Andersons’ contract. He’s not a bad kid.

I knew Anderson’s contract. It wasn’t something that was easy to keep secret
once you entered into one. I knew him well and I knew he had a thing for me
just like he had a thing for Dom only he wouldn’t be allowed to just use me
anywhere like he could with Dom. Chad, Chad was Andersons’ contract. I wanted
to say no but again I knew I couldn’t.

“Ok, go get him,” he said his eyes still on me as his hands started up again
making my body feel that ice cold static. Making it hard for my brain to think,
to process anything at all as Lou left the room, “God you’re beautiful.” He
said as my chest started to heave. my body responding the way it was made to.
My dick hardening, me panting as I got closer and closer to orgasm. His fingers
petting my prostate and his left hand rubbing up and down my shaft making my
whole-body vibrate. Making it so my brain wouldn’t function.

I heard the door open but couldn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to see them
didn’t want to have their images in my head. It was bad enough that I had to
hear them. Before I had a chance to respond I felt wetness engulf me sending me
over the edge. My whole body tightened up as I started cumming into the mouth
of whoever decided it was ok to blow me. My teeth clenched, trying to bite back
my moan.

“He’s sweet,” I heard a voice I knew. A younger voice and I knew who it was. It
was Chad. He was getting what he wanted, getting to use me like he wanted, “Can
I?” he asked.

“Sure, go for it. I enjoy watching as much as I do playing,” Dobbs said as I
felt someone’s weight shift over top of me, “Don’t forget to wrap it…” Dobbs
said.

“Yeah thanks,” I heard Chad say.

I kept my eyes closed tightly before I felt him against me, his penis pushing
against my hole looking for entrance. I was not ok with this, I was no ok with
this at all. I shook my head and pushed at him as he grabbed my forearms and
pushed them above my head.

“Look at me Johnny.” He hissed switching both my wrist to one hand and slapping
me lightly across the face when I didn’t respond, “I said look at me.”

I opened my eyes looking at him. He was on top of me pushing into me slowly.
Making me whimper as he finished sliding into me.

“Oh, fuck your tight. You must be good all over huh?” He said making me stare
into his eyes.

I remember how cold they were. How even compared to Hank Chad’s eyes weren’t
normal. I didn’t see anything there that said he cared about how I felt, only
about using me to make himself feel good. He wanted me to hate him, to hate
what he was doing and he wanted me to know it.

He wanted to hurt me, to make me suffer. He smiled making my insides feel that
much colder. He froze as he waited for my body to adjust to his before he
started pulling out so he could slam back into me.

“You have beautiful eyes,” Chad said, “Very beautiful eyes. No. No, don’t close
them, I want you to look at me.”

I shook my head again and used my legs to try and squeeze his sides shutting
them on his hips to try and make him stop. To try and get him off of me because
I knew he was in this to hurt me.

Dobbs and Lou grabbed my knees pulling them open and grabbing me by the ankles
shackling each ankle to the foot board so that I couldn’t close my legs as Chad
laid in-between them and started thrusting making me scream.

“No,” Chad said slamming a hand over my mouth as one of the other two grabbed
my wrist for him so I couldn’t lash out, “None of that ok? I’d like to leave
with my ear drums intact. I’m sure you understand why. Don’t pretend it doesn’t
feel good. I know it does even if finding the rhythm is a little rough at
first.”

“That’s a good boy,” Dobbs said running his fingers though my hair after my one
wrist was shackled, “That’s a good boy.”

I jerked the shackles holding me in place biting my mouth closed to keep myself
from screaming. From saying no, from risking my life as Chad thrusted again
throwing his head back in ecstasy as he pushed back in causing me to inhale
sharply gasping as he pressed against that spot that made my body jerk and
almost made me moan involuntarily.

“My turn,” Lou said kissing the back of Chad’s neck smiling at me as Chad
turned his head to look over his shoulder as Lou mounted him sliding inside
pushing a shit ton of weight on my torso.

I squeaked as the pain hit. My thighs burning as they pushed harder on me
forcing my thighs farther apart. Both Chad and Lou laughed as they started
fucking on top of me Lou pushing Chad in and out of me just slightly. The
sensation feeling more like a rocking than actual fucking.

“That was a sweet little sound,” Dobbs said petting my face still., “Your
prefect for real baby,” he muttered kissed my forehead.

“It hurts,” I whispered. Every other bump hitting against my prostate making it
hard to catch my breath. Making it hard to think of anything but the pain. The
static and friction starting to cause blood to pool in my groin.

“I know baby,” Dobbs said, “I’ll make it feel really good after we’re done. I
promise.”

“Oh, god this is amazing,” Chad breathed leaning forward kissing my cheek, “Oh
yeah fuck me harder.” He breathed at Lou. Lou sped up going faster and harder
the weight pushing my body hard into the mattress I was chained to.
..
Chad started moaning loudly adjusting his angle. His body hitting against that
one spot with every single inward movement making me whimper loudly as my body
got slammed over and over and over again. I bit into my bottom lip trying to
keep myself from sobbing outright. My whole body finally seizing as Chad hit
against that spot one last time any sound I made instantly lost in my throat
somewhere as I came hard all over myself and Chad.

Chad came next followed by Lou as Chad’s body clenched around his. Casing them
both to climax on top of me. Chad’s weight pushing forward into my legs making
them burn even more but still not enough to allow me to find my voice. They
both rolled off of me leaving me stuck where I was, leaving me still chained
down to the bed as I heard Dobbs laugh and Lou chuckle lightly.

“You like that Chad?” Lou asked.

“Yeah. That was amazing, that was fucking mind blowing!” Chad answered
enthusiastically.

“What about you beautiful?” Dobbs asked me as I closed my eyes trying my best
to ignore the fact that they were there staring at me, that I was naked and
unable to move. Unable to go anywhere.

“No, come on baby. I want to see those pretty eyes of yours,” he said touching
my cheek causing me to swallow hard. I tried to ignore his touch against my
skin, to not whine out in protest.

“Can I do some stuff?” Lou asked.

“You going to use your toys?” Dobbs asked him my lip trembling because I knew
what that meant. That meant a rod up inside of me maybe even a vibrating one
that would make my body feel like it was exploding with ten times the intensity
of a regular orgasm. Something that would leave me unable to do anything but
twitch and scream.

“Yeah, Chad you can go,” Lou said as Chad stood up and left quickly and Lou
grabbed the black pouch. I shook my head. I didn’t want to do this. I would do
anything to stop them from doing this. This scared the shit out of me. My
breath started coming in fast sharp gasps as I started to hyperventilate.

“No breathe beautiful. Breathe,” Dobbs said rubbing my head still like he was
trying to comfort me, “Breathe. It’ll feel really awesome trust me. Especially
when I roll you on your side and rim you nice and deep while he has you
sounding. You’ll love it.”

“Lou, you want to hear him beg? I can see it right under the surface and I know
you like it even though I hate it,” Dobbs said looking at Lou smiling.

“Yeah,” Lou said, “It’ll be nice to hear. I don’t get my boy to beg nearly
enough anymore.”

“You can speak,” Dobbs said still rubbing my hair, “You want to feel that
vibrator up inside your dick baby? Making your eyes roll making your heart
flutter as you cum?” He asked kissing my forehead.

“NO PLEASE! NO! PLEASE DON’T DO THAT! PLEASE! GOD, PLEASE! PLEASE,” I begged
loudly not wanting them to do that. not wanting to feel that. Not wanting them
to split my whole being in half with that type of intensity. My words
eventually getting lost as I started outright sobbing as Lou started giving me
a hand job to make me hard so he could shove the rod up inside of me.

“It’s ok beautiful,” Dobbs said again as he started kissing my ears and neck,
“You’re being such a good boy.”

Once I was hard I felt the cold wet tip of the sound up against me right before
he pushed it in that slow weird feeling climbing up my body from my tip into my
shaft and up past my balls. He didn’t force it in after it got past the
entrance just kind of let it happen. Then he turned it on making me scream. I
hadn’t even realized it was a vibrating one but it had been. My whole body
starting to shake uncontrollably. Me not being able to breathe at least that’s
what it felt like. I was no longer able to cry as Dobbs moved away from my face
and he laughed.

“That actually tickles my nose from inside him. It feels really weird you
should try it Lou,” he said as I felt someone’s tongue lap at my balls sucking
gently making me moan though I was biting into my bottom lip which was now
bloody from me biting it so hard.

“You’re right it seems fun,” he said moving the sound out a little way and then
pushing it back in fucking me with it. I closed my eyes to try and keep silent,
“It’s all right beautiful. You’re being so good, you’re panting…”

I knew I was panting, I didn’t need him to tell me. My whole body was shaking.
Nothing feeling under my control, nothing feeling right. I didn’t want this. I
wanted them to stop, I wanted to beg them to stop but I knew they had already
let me beg and that I wasn’t able to again.

That I had to be quiet. My eyes snapping open as my body hit that point again
before they went big and then started rolling. I twitched before they pulled
the sound out. It still on, still vibrating. The intensity too much making it
feel like I was pissing and couldn’t stop, couldn’t control my bladder. I
wasn’t peeing. I was ejaculating the whole feeling ripping through my body.

Before I knew it, it was over. My body still shaking, sweating uncontrollably.
I kept my eyes closed trying to catch my breath what I felt somewhere beyond
pain. Somewhere beyond a point I can explain. Then I felt someone kiss my neck,
straddling me. I knew they weren’t finished. I let out a whimper of protest, my
body beyond done.

“Now, now beautiful, it’s ok, it’s ok,” I felt Dobbs say into my collar bone
making me cry. At that point, I just wanted to die. I wanted to go to sleep and
never wake up. To leave this place and never come back. It didn’t matter that
something similar was happening to …Will? Oh, shit what if someone was doing
this to Will what if someone had… no! NO!

“NO!” I screamed right before someone grabbed something and shoved it into my
mouth holding my mouth open making my jaw hurt.

“Thank you, Lou,” Dobbs said, “I know the first one was kind of a freebie but
you seem to be getting tired and tongues get loose when they get tired so I
thought I’d save you some trouble all right?” Dobbs hissed licking down my
chest Lou’s hands already down there, already doing things to me.

I don’t remember when they stopped only that when they were done one of them
carried me back to the holding room. They set me down on a cot near the door,
my whole body still shaking.

I was shaking so badly I couldn’t even grab a blanket to cover myself. I
couldn’t open my eyes but if I had I wouldn’t have been able to see anything
because I was crying so hard. I couldn’t do anything but try to curl into a
ball and fail horribly. Every cell in my body was shaking to the point where I
felt like I was going to have a seizure or a stroke.

“Go get the doctor,” I heard someone say over me as I heard bare feet slapping
again the marble floor frantically as someone else threw a blanket over me,
“John it’s Tosh. Can you speak?”

I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t even shake my head of my own accord. I was
trapped in my body and couldn’t control its movement. I couldn’t speak,
couldn’t move, nothing. It was like being trapped on that bed. Nothing was
under my control. Not even the way my body felt.’

“John? John it’s Dr. Palmer can you move?” Vic asked, “Can you open your eyes?
Can you hear me?”

“What is wrong with him?” I heard Tosh ask Vic quietly.

“He’s having a NES,” Vic said, “I have something right here, ok John you’re
going to feel a poke. This should help it’s going to make you sleepy though.” I
felt a needle go into my arm stinging slightly but I still couldn’t open my
eyes, still couldn’t stop moving until everything went dark, my thoughts went
out like someone blowing out a candle.

I opened my eyes sometime later my whole body hurting. I had no idea where I
was for a second until I looked around and saw Tosh and Will watching me
carefully, “Wha appen?” I asked.

“Hey,” Will said coming over and grabbing my hand, “Dr. Palmer said you had a
seizure. Are you ok?”

I nodded my head. My whole body feeling weak but stiff all at once. I felt
weird. Really really weird finally able to find the strength to open my eyes,
“Seizure?”

“Yeah. Are you ok?” Will asked again.

“I think so,” I answered, “I don’t know I…I don’t know.”

“Do you remember who you were with?” Tosh asked.

“Lou,” I answered slowly, “Dobbs.”

“Shit,” I heard Adam utter coming up to my left side, “He did something bad,
didn’t he?”

I swallowed my throat burning a little bit. I didn’t want to think about it.
What they had done. What they had let Chad do. What Leo was going to do next
weekend when he had the chance or hell probably even tomorrow. I curled up in a
ball trying to hide my face.

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m right here John, it’s ok,” Will said pulling my head forward
into his lap rubbing my forehead, “It’s ok. It’s almost over. We’re almost out
of here.”

“No,” I whispered, “I have to go home with Leo after this. I’m with him until I
leave for school on Monday remember?”

“Maybe if I ask Da nicely he’ll let you come home with us?” Will asked.

“Don’t you fucking dare Will. No deals with him on your back. I swear to god I
will be so fucking mad at you I will lose it,” I hissed loudly making him
flinch.

“Ok, no deals. I swear, all right?” Will said I nodded my head just as I heard
some commotion as someone came over to us.

“Are you ok?” Pat asked his eyes wide in fear, “I just got here. What the fuck
happened?”

“Dr. Palmer said he had a seizure,” Will answered him, “He said he gave him
some Ativan and it stopped but …it was probably because of stress.”

“It was over stimulation,” Adam snorted, “Fucking Lou.”

“Who are you?” Pat asked.

“Adam. Nice to meet you,” Adam answered looking at Pat.

“I’m Pat,” Pat said.

“Ah!” Adam said smiling looking at me and nodding his head in approval.

“What?” Pat frowned confused.

“Nothing. Nothing. I got to know John in the hospital,” Adam answered.

“You know what happened?” Pat asked looking at him.

“I know Lou. If I know Lou I know him well enough to know that when John was
done Lou wasn’t,” Adam answered.

“Wait who is Lou?” Pat asked looking at me. He knew Dom had two dads everyone
knew Dom had two dads’ but no one really knew who they were.

“Morrow,” I answered not meeting Pat’s gaze, “Lou Morrow.”

“Morrow as in Dom Morrow?” Pat asked frowning.

“Yeah that’s Lou,” Adam said, “I’m their new pet.”

“Oh shit,” Pat said, “They are into weird stuff.”

“So is Leo,” I said my whole body having a spasm causing Pat to put a hand on
my shoulder, “Lay down.”

“Pat, I just spent god knows how long laying down,” I said.

“Ra---John I don’t care. Lay down. If it was caused by stress you could have
another one so try and relax please,” Pat said his brow furrowed in concern.

“Pat, you need to watch it,” Will said quietly causing Pat to pull his hand
away quickly and look around to room to see who was watching.

We weren’t supposed to be near each other because we were in with recruits like
Chad. People who would tell if we seemed too friendly. People who would get our
names in the bowl for just sharing a certain look, for rumors just being passed
around. Especially because we kept insisting we were just friends which at that
point in time we were just friends because we were contracted him to Gus and me
to Leo.

“What is Lou into?” He asked looking at Adam not at me.

“He huh…” Adam’s face started going red and I couldn’t watch or listen anymore.
I covered my face with my blanket, not wanting to hear it pressing my palms to
my ears.

He was telling him. Tell Pat about the metal rods, about what they did. I
didn’t want Pat to know those things. That people did stuff like that to me. I
especially didn’t want him to know about Chad. How they had let Chad…how Dick
wanted to as well. How I had been told by Leo that if Dick ever came to me,
came on to me I was supposed to let him do what he wanted. I didn’t want to
think about any of it. Someone moved my blanket off of my face and it was Will
saying something but saying it quietly so I had trouble reading his lips.

I moved my hands from my ears, “What?” I asked.

“Did he do that to you?” He asked me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I answered my tongue touching my
molar.

“You might not have heard what Adam just described but I’m pretty sure you know
what it was anyway. Is that something they did to you? Did Leo do that to you?”
Will asked me quietly.

I looked away. He was right. I knew they were talking about the rods but I
didn’t want to talk about it. Admit to it. I didn’t want anyone to know Leo did
that stuff to me. That other people had done that stuff to me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I repeated shaking my head.

“Ok,” Will said nodding putting my blanket back over my face.

He knew I wasn’t saying no. That I wasn’t saying no because that would be a lie
but that I didn’t want to talk about it. That I was telling him I wasn’t ready
to talk about it seeing as how it had just happened. How it probably caused my
whole body to have a seizure.

“Where’s Dom?” I heard his voice and felt like I couldn’t breathe. The only
thought in my head being oh god please don’t tell them please just go away.

“I thought you might know that,” Tosh said glaring hard at Chad.

“Oh, I was busy with someone else for a little while. He is definitely worth
that five let me tell you what,” Chad said.

“You’re a special kind of freak,” Pat hissed at Chad.

I could almost hear Chad’s sneer as I braced myself for him to tell them. Tell
all of them. Let them know that he had taken me. That the brotherhood had let
him have sex with me. To rub it in Pat’s face because of the rumors flying
around that we were together.

“Jealous?” Chad asked Pat.

“Why would I be jealous of you raping a little boy?” Pat hissed, “I personally
think that’s disgusting.”

“Really?” Chad asked and again I could just feel his smirk growing, “You think
it’s so gross? I bet you dream about it every night when you’re not with Gus.
Hell, maybe you even close your eyes and wish it was him instead of Gus over
top of you or maybe you wish you were on top of him…” Chad said and I heard my
own sharp inhale.

“You fucking didn’t,” I heard Pat hiss slowly his voice low the air in the room
turning cold.

“And if I did? What are you going to do about it?” Chad asked, “You could come
after me but unless you want to end up in your own special film with you and
prince charming I would be very careful.”

“You didn’t,” Pat hissed again.

“Ask him,” Chad said, “I don’t know what he thought of me I haven’t asked but I
thought he was amazing.”

“Leave us alone,” Tosh said and he stood up.

“What are you going to do?” Chad asked.

“I’m a five too and I’m not how you say boning him and I’ll kick your ass,”
Tosh said.

“You think you could?” Chad asked.

“If you don’t want to find out you will leave now,” Tosh warned.

“Fine, see you later beautiful. Who knows? Maybe next time I see you we’ll play
again?” Chad said to my blanket before leaving.

“I’m going to go and huh…I’ll be back,” Pat said getting up and walking away as
I pulled the blanket off of my face. I could see his hands shaking. I knew he
was angry. Not at me but at the fact he couldn’t comfort me, that he wasn’t
allowed to and at the fact that Chad had thrown it in his face just to
antagonize him.

“You ok?” Will asked me.

“Not really. Chad just made me feel like I should publish a list so everyone
knows everyone else I’ve been with you know? Just get it said and done,” I
answered.

“Who have you been with?” Tosh asked me frowning as Will went to go smack him
but Tosh dodged.

I shrugged my shoulders, “A couple people I guess.”

“You know that was a joke, right?” Tosh asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

“Not the right time,” Will answered.

“What happened to you guys?” I asked looking at Will.

“I was in a room for a little while. It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t know. I
mostly just closed my eyes and tried to ignore it,” Will told me.

“Me too,” Tosh said nodding his head, “I don’t know I don’t…it’s easier to
pretend it’s not real all just a nightmare.”

I nodded my head, “You think Pat will be ok?”

“Yeah, he’s just worried about you,” Will answered, “We still can’t figure it
out. We’ve been over and over and over it. Talked it to death and we …I don’t
know.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“Why they choose you,” Will answered, “Why it seems like they pick on you.”

“I know I’m on a website,” I answered quietly, “That …” I took a deep breath, I
wasn’t talking about that with my little brother I decided.

“That what?” Will asked me his eyes getting wet.

“Nothing, it’s ok Will,” I answered.

“John?” Will said quietly, “Is Da going to put me on the website?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “I hope not.”

“Me too,” Will said, “Especially if it makes people like that pay attention to
you. I don’t want to …I don’t want them to pay attention to me.”

“I don’t blame you,” I answered, “Do you know if we’re almost done here?”

“No,” Will answered, “I know it’s been a while, hours. I know it’s going to be
dark soon.” He told me.

“How do you know?” I asked confused because it didn’t seem like the sun was
setting to me.

“Well, that window is West and while the sun seems high in the sky you can see
it through that window so it has to be after noon or after 12pm. I would say
it’s around 3 or so and we got here around 7 both of us and then Pat and Cole
got here around 10 so it’s been at least 3 hours because I would put that
whatever the fuck…”

“Will language,” I said.

“Sorry,” he said, “The gathering thingy where they made us all stand in that
room was around 1:30 at the latest.”

“So, I was only in that room with them for two hours?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Will told me, “I don’t know. The guy with me was weird he …he kept
putting his fingers and his tongue in there…you know? I don’t like it when they
do that. It makes me feel jumpy.”

“I don’t like it when they do that either,” I said as the door opened making
everyone in our corner jump. It was Dobbs. I stiffened. Why was he back? What
did he want?

“Glad to see you’re feeling better,” he said coming over and sitting on the end
of my bed next to my baby brother.

“Will, go hang out with Tosh for a while ok?” I said.

Will nodded his head pulling his blanket up so it wasn’t dragging on the floor
and walked over to where Tosh was standing with Pat.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head.

“Friend?” He asked me looking at Will as he walked away.

“Why do you care?” I countered.

“Curious. You seem to care about him so I’m just wondering,” he said.

“Well, I have more siblings then I do friends so take a guess,” I answered
sharply.

“You’re giving me attitude?” He asked me.

“No sir. Just answering your question,” I replied.

“Well, come on,” he said standing up and reaching for my hand to help me up.

“Again?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said, “No more group stuff. Not like before I promise.”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head and standing up on my own leaving my blanket on my
cot using my hands to cover myself.

Once we were out in the hallway he led us up a different staircase to a
different room and when we got inside Dick was sitting there on the bed. There
some other guy standing next to the door. I sighed whatever this was it wasn’t
good.

“What’s going on?” I asked looking at Dick not wanting to get any closer to him
remembering how gross his hands had felt pawing at me as he took off my
clothes.

“Well, my friend here Simms has a camera that Tony is going to bring in and you
and Dick are going to make a film because you looked very nice with Chad. I’m
not going to be in here because I don’t want to hear you beg because I think
it’s sad and pathetic but you see Simms likes to watch and he enjoys the
begging so…I’ve heard you’re used to it though,” Dobbs said to me, “Afterwards
I’ll comfort you though.”

“No,” I said shaking my head as Dick gave me that look. That same look that I
saw in his Da’s face every night before he made me lay under him. Just then
someone knocked on the door making me jump and sure enough it was Tony.

“Nice to see you again Kid. You know how much money you make us?” Tony said
smiling, “A fuck load. I’ve been contacted by people outside the brotherhood
that want to meet with you. You’re really popular.”

“I don’t want to do this,” I said looking at Tony and not at Dobbs. I knew
while Dobbs might be in charge of me tonight Tony was in charge of this and
what went on the website.

“Relax you might like it. Rich is a good top. You’ll enjoy him,” Tony said
looking at Rich nodding his head at him. I felt someone grab me from behind
grinding hard against my back side whoever it was, was already aroused.

“No,” I said trying to pull away as they squeezed my hips.

“Don’t worry,” Rich whispered biting my earlobe, “I’ll make you moan real
nice.”

“Please,” I begged Tony shaking my head trying to ignore Dick pressing against
me. I grabbed the top of his hands trying to get him to let go of my hips as
Tony hit the button and Dobbs quietly left the room.

Tony just shook his head silently. He didn’t want to speak because the less
speaking anyone did but me and Rich the less editing there was to do. The less
editing they had to do the sooner they could put the video up for viewing.

“It’s ok baby,” Rich said kissing on my neck and the back of my shoulders as he
smiled at the camera before he turned. He led me to the bed throwing me forward
onto my stomach. For a minute, I sighed in relief thinking he was going to do
me from behind, that I wouldn’t have to look him in the face like I had Chad,
like Dobbs had made me look at him and Lou as they used that fucking metal
thing on me but then he flipped me over. He tried to use his knees to pin me
down and spread my legs without letting go of my arms.

“NO! STOP! STOP IT!” I shouted as he tried to kiss me, on the lips and I pushed
into his chest trying to push him away, “I don’t want to. Please don’t do this,
please. I don’t want to.”

“Don’t want to what baby?” He asked me finally managing to pin one of my thighs
with his knee causing me to hiss in pain, “Don’t want to play? But you’re so
beautiful and I’ll make you feel so good,” he said no longer supporting his own
weight letting himself fall onto me pinning my arms between us as I tried to
push him up off of me.

“No,” I begged, “Please stop.”

“Want to help me out here Simms? He’s being a little difficult,” Dick asked
looking over to where Simms was sitting and he got up and pulled out the
shackles, “Just one.”

Simms nodded his head and grabbed one of my wrists restraining it for Dick who
smiled starting to bite and kiss my torso. I whined rolling my eyes trying to
move and twist away only causing his pelvis to make contact with mine. Him
grabbing my ass and squeezing as I lifted my hips trying to buck away, trying
to get him off of me. I screamed out of anger. I was scared too but angrier
that I was too weak to get him away from me, to get him off of me.

He wasn’t that much older than I was. He shouldn’t have been that much stronger
than me but he was. He was so much stronger than I was. His body was that much
heavier. I shook my head and violently pushed at him with my one free arm
trying to get him off of me as he settled his body in-between my legs and I
knew he was getting ready to go down.

“Don’t do that,” I said shaking my head as he bit my nipple lightly making me
gasps as I tried to claw at his cheek. He grabbed my arm, pushing it up above
my head and pinning it there.

I didn’t understand the point of chaining up my one arm but not the other. It
was to make it look like a real fight but not really give me a chance, to give
the viewers something to drool over but not really make it a fair fight. Some
guys got off on watching the struggle just as much as Leo got off on the verbal
protest and they were always trying to target an audience with their videos.

“You’ll like it,” he told me. He dipped his tongue into my belly button as he
got closer to where his mouth totally didn’t belong.

“No. No, I won’t… I don’t want to do that, “I hissed, “You need to stop. I
won’t do that. I’ll do anything else but I won’t let you d…” I went silent with
shock his one hand touching me there, grabbing me and rubbing causing me to go
silent my eyes to go wide.
“Yeah? See I knew you’d like it. It feels good, doesn’t it? My Dad told me what
you like. How you love having a tongue glide along your slit like this…” he
said doing something that almost made me moan that I was barely able to bite
back. He slid a well lubed finger into my ass feeling how tight I was and then
sighed smiling, “You’re already ready huh?”

He stood up but I knew better than to try and move that camera pointed right at
my face I sighed and tried again, “Please Tony, please don’t make me do this.
Don’t let him do this.”

Tony sighed his eyes flashing as he pressed pause setting the camera down on
the table, “Listen kiddo you can’t talk to me. Just because I have a camera
pointed at your face doesn’t mean you can talk to me ok? I don’t want to hear
my name on your lips when that camera is looking at you. It ruins the shot and
I don’t like having shots ruined so you need to keep your mouth shut and
pretend I’m not here.”

Dick grabbed me by the chin squeezing my face forcing me to open my mouth so he
could kiss me as he pushed me back on the bed as he pushed his way inside of me
causing me to scream into his mouth. I pushed at him trying to get him off of
me as Tony picked the camera back up. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want his
lips on my lips, I didn’t want him kissing me.

This felt worse, him and Chad felt worse than guys like my Da touching me. I
felt like I should be able to push them off. I should be able to handle them,
fight them off and I couldn’t. I was too small too weak.

“God, you are good,” he said as I screamed.

He pushed into me and then pulled out him rolling his hips like Leo could roll
his hips. Doing it in that way that always hit that spot making me moan,

“Yeah that’s it baby. That’s it.” he said starting to find his rhythm, starting
to make my toes curl and my body go weak. “There you go. Let me make you feel
good,” he breathed.

He leaned forward kissing my neck as Tony stuck the camera in my face getting a
close up of me as Dick grabbed my hip hard reaching as far inside of me as he
could, “Can’t speak, can you? Your ass is trying to swallow my dick so it must
feel good. Right baby?”

I was gasping. My chest was heaving as I tried to just breathe. Tried to stop
my body from getting pleasure from what he was doing and it didn’t work. My
whole body feeling frozen as he kept going. He made me orgasm hard hitting it
enough that I could no longer keep myself from climaxing both of us finishing
around the same time.

“That was prefect baby,” he said as he started kissing down me, “So prefect,”
he muttered up against my ball sack licking and kissing me cleaning the cum off
of my skin. When he was done, Tony laughed.

“That was amazing. That’s going to sell nicely,” Tony said to me and Dick,
“He’s sweet, isn’t he?”

“Boy is he,” Dick answered. He looked at me running his hand along my chest as
I closed my eyes willing him to leave me alone. Willing them both away, “His
cum taste like whoa…”

“Really? That’s what I keep hearing. I can’t say I’ve tasted it myself but I
have less of a thing for his age and more of thing for the little girls. If you
know what I mean,” Tony said making me cringe.

“I love girls,” Dick said, “I however really see the appeal of …well…” Dick
said and I was pretty sure he was looking at me.

I heard Dick sigh and he leaned over me kissing my cheek, “You tell anyone at
school I will fucking kill you,” he whispered in my ear.

“Come on. We’ll leave him here Dobbs will take care of him,” Tony said smiling
at me, “I might give your Dad some names kid, because you just cost me about 4
hours of editing because you decided you needed to use my fucking name. Have
fun.”

Him and Dick left me there. My one arm still shackled to the bed and I didn’t
open my eyes until I heard the door close. When I opened them Dobbs was staring
at me? He was looking at me like he wanted me. I sighed closing my eyes again.
I was done.
“Giving up on trying to worm your way out of it?” He asked me laying down
beside me and rolling me onto my side so he could spoon with me.

“Why did you let them?” I asked not moving to look at him, allowing him to move
around behind me figuring he was putting a condom on getting ready to push up
inside of me doing what he wanted to me so I could leave, so he would send me
back to the holding room.

“Let who?” He asked grabbing the back of one of my knees making me bend my leg
as he pressed against me like I thought he would and I took a deep breath as he
pushed inside of me the angle feeling weird.

“Them, Chad and…,” I answered my eyes going wide as he hit that spot.

“Sharp inhale? Feels good?” He asked continuing to pound into me, “Because it’s
hot and they’re new. It’s not often they get the feel of a five under them
especially because they are trackers. I don’t know I thought you would prefer
it was you then your brother. They liked fairer boys and didn’t want an Asian
so that left just you and him. Your Da thought you might be willing to take the
hit to keep your brother out of it. Was he right? Fuck yeah so close,” he
muttered his one hand wrapping around my cock starting to pump.

“Yeah he…” I gasped again my whole-body close but my whole being beyond tired,
exhausted really. I didn’t want to ever have sex again. I let him finish inside
of me my body barely registering what was happening to it at that point
everything just feeling tired.

“All right come on,” Dobbs said unshackling me, “Can you walk?”

“Yeah,” I answered standing up almost collapsing under my own weight as he
caught me.

“I guess not huh?” He asked me, “Come on. I’ll help you get back to holding, it
should start emptying out soon.”

He did help me get back to holding, walking me over to my cot and leaving me
there. Once he was gone Dom came up to me, his eye starting to swell making me
cringe just looking at him. He must have heard me hiss because he smiled at me.

“I know it’s a great look, right?” He asked me.

“What did they do to you?” I asked.

“Huh, I’ve been through worse,” Dom told me, “They said you were here and then
they took you again?”

“Yeah,” I said, “I’m all right though.”

“Usually when that happens to me it means Tony is involved,” Dom said and I
swallowed and Dom nodded, “I won’t say anything ok?”

“Yeah, please don’t,” I said running a hand through my hair.

“I won’t. Sometimes they huh, let …” Dom looked around to see who was
listening, “trackers huh…” I grabbed his hand and nodded my head signaling for
him to stop that he was right.

“I just…he can’t hear about it,” I said looking around the room.

“You afraid of how he’s going to react?” Dom asked quietly.

“He gets mad easy you know? And …I don’t want him in trouble,” I answered.

“You want to tell me anything? He’s not over here right now and I won’t tell
anyone. You know I won’t,” Dom said to me.

“I know, I just…I worry someone will over hear and then they’ll tell him,” I
answered, “That and I already have to deal with what fucking Chad did so…”

“Oh yeah. I heard about that. Are you all right?” Dom asked me.

“I’ve never…besides Pat, not one on one,” I answered.

“Oh,” Dom said going quiet, “That always sucks.”

“Yeah at least with Pat I trusted him,” I answered, “He would never…not like
that. He even refused to do things. They beat him for that. He wouldn’t do it
though because I told him I didn’t want him to where Chad he just…and then he
let everyone know including Pat.”

“How did Pat react?” He asked.

“Angry,” I said, “He had to leave. Tosh told Chad off. Told Chad to leave
before Tosh kicked his ass.”

“Really?” Dom asked.

“Yeah,” I answered.

“That would be something to see even though I bet you Tosh could do it. He
seems tough,” Dom said.

“Maybe,” I answered, “I never thought they would …I mean I’m a five they’re
supposed to be treat me better right?”

Dom sighed, “I don’t know. It seems like you have the attention of a lot of
people.”

“I…I’m a whore Dom,” I said.

“You’re surviving. We all are just surviving. Sometimes that means …you have no
idea how often they make me do really really horrible things. How often they
take me to houses with little kids, like little tiny kids and they make me…if
anything I’m the evil one. I’m the whore. Not you.” Dom said.

“Lou said that they use those rod things on you?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Dom said nodding his head, hurt crossing his face, “It’s too much it…I
don’t…”

“Me too,” I said nodding my head.

“Have they done that to anyone else?” I asked Dom.

“I don’t know,” Dom answered, “I…sorry it’s hard to talk about.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “Leo filmed me and shared it with people. He
said they wanted him to do stuff to me. I can’t tell anyone about that or the
rods or …I just can’t.”

“Was it a small camera?” Dom asked me.

“Yeah really small like I didn’t even notice it at first why?” I asked.

“It was a webcam, it means he was recording it to share on the computer,” Dom
said, “Pop uses one sometimes. I don’t like it either.”

“How am I ever going to show my face in school? After Chad and…”

I shrugged my shoulders not willing to give that one up. Not willing to let Dom
know for some reason. I didn’t want Dom to know about Dick. What he had done. I
didn’t want to even mention his name because of what Dick had forced him to do
when we first arrived.

“The same way I do. You ignore Chad and avoid him as much as you can,” Dom
said, “I mean he’s not allowed to touch you again without permission honestly
because you’re a five but they gave it to him once so he might take that to
mean he’s allowed to…whenever he wants. So, I would just try to avoid being
anywhere near him if you could. Him and his group if other people aren’t around
they’ll say stuff you. He’ll tell them things. Things you don’t want other
people to know about what happened, about you.”

“Like kind of what he told Pat?” I asked.

“No, he told Pat that to piss Pat off because he needed to make Pat angry. He
tells his friends to brag, to humiliate you,” Dom said.

“Do I even want to know what he’ll say to them?” I asked.

“He’ll find a way to describe how you taste, how you feel. He’ll tell them
whether you screamed or not, pleaded, how your body reacted to…” Dom swallowed
looking around the room to see if anyone was listening, “I don’t …”

“I know it’s ok,” I said nodding my head in understanding, “So he’ll tell
everyone about everything?”

“Yeah,” Dom said wiping at his eyes furiously, “I hope Dick isn’t the same way
but I’m going to bet you he is. That if I piss him off he’ll tell everyone.”

“Are we almost out of here you think?” I asked.

“Are you really in that much of a hurry to go back to Leo?” Dom asked me.

“I’m tired and it’s hard to sleep here. At least I don’t expect to be able to
fight back against Leo not like …” I just shook my head.

“Is Dick going with you?” He asked, “What, what did I say?”

“N-nothing, just surprised you said his name,” I answered.

“Well it’s not like he’s the first person to make me do that. I’ve been dealing
with this since I was four so it’s not a big deal to me anymore. At least not
most of the time. Not until they let everyone else know,” Dom answered me, “He
didn’t…? Did he?”
I closed my eyes pinching the bridge of my nose. I didn’t want to talk about
that, didn’t want to imagine what he would do if Leo decided he didn’t want to
be with me when we got back to Leo’s condo because he seemed so happy
with…being with me. I wasn’t ready to talk about it, not about Dick. I opened
my eyes and looked at him.

“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head, “Let me know if you want to talk about it.
There’s no reason to feel like it’s your fault though ok?”

“Not my fault?” I hissed shaking my head, “How can you say that? I should be
able to fight them off. I should be…I should be strong enough.”

“You’re 13 John. We’re 13 and how old are they?” Dom asked me causing me to
sigh.

“It doesn’t matter. Do you think we’re going home soon?” I asked.

“I have no idea, it’s almost dark so hopefully?” Dom said shrugging his
shoulders, “I don’t know sometimes I prefer the guys here to what Pop does.”

“I don’t even know who is worse anymore,” I said.

“What do you mean?” Dom asked, “Don’t you hate what your Da does?”

“Yeah I do but…I don’t know. At least with him I know what to expect at least
if he’s taping it I can see the camera. At least Da doesn’t want to share me
with anyone and…he doesn’t use those things where Leo and apparently some of
his friends they…it’s bad Dom. I hate it and I have to do it for six months,” I
answered.

Just then Vic came in carrying my little brother making me aware that he had
been gone. I ran over to him as best I could my body exhausted, “What happened?
Is he ok?” I asked.

“He’s just tried,” Vic said, “He’s sore. He’ll be ok though nothing is
punctured. They got lucky with that. Trust me, I chewed them out for it.”

“What did they do Dr. Palmer?” I asked scared as Vic gently sat Will down on a
cot wrapping him in a blanket.

Vic went to go put his hand on my shoulder and I shrugged him away shaking my
head. I didn’t want him touching me. Not after what he did. The only reason why
I had let him comfort me before I went into the hospital was because I felt
lonely and desperate and scared because I had failed at killing myself.

Vic looked at me sadly and lowered his voice so only I could hear him, “I
thought you’d forgiven me?”

“I told you I don’t think…”

“I did that because I had to ok? I didn’t want to do that I’m sorry. I swear to
you, I’m sorry,” Vic said.

I sighed running a hand through my hair, “What did they do to him?” I asked
again.

“He’s in a lot of pain,” Vic told me, “He was in the front room with some of
the older boys and I’m not sure it’s my place to tell you what happened but it
was mostly recruits and Art…they weren’t very nice. He got lucky, he’s not
seriously hurt.”

“Vic, you need to tell me what they did. He’s 11 years old. He’s a little boy.
He’s my brother you can’t tell me I don’t have a right to know,” I said.

“One of the boys decided he wasn’t screaming enough,” Vic said, “John if I had
been in the room I would have stopped them he’s too small for that, his body
isn’t made for that.”

“For what?” I asked again getting more and more scared that Vic wouldn’t tell
me what had happened.

“He’s lucky they were smaller because they aren’t fully grown yet not quiet,
since it was Chad and Al and not an adult,” Vic said

“TELL ME WHAT THEY DID!” I shouted really afraid of what had happened.

“You know what doubles is?” He asked me.

“NO!” I shook my head bending down and pulling Will’s limp unconscious body
into my lap, “No, oh god no.” I said rocking him rubbing his head, “no.” I
started crying.

“He’s already stopped bleeding. I think he was prepared enough that it won’t be
too bad just sore for a couple of day,” Vic said quietly.

“He’s a little boy,” I said again shaking my head trying not to cry, trying to
not to show everyone how hurt I was. How heart broken. This was my little
brother.

This was the baby that I used to struggle to lift to when he didn’t move fast
enough to hide in the closet so Uncle Ben couldn’t hurt him. This was my baby.
My first baby. And some perverts had made him feel like he was being ripped in
half from the inside out. Some pervert had hurt him so badly that Vic probably
gave him something to put him to sleep so he didn’t have to feel the pain. I
felt sick to my stomach my whole body shaking with anger wishing I could do
something to take his pain away, his hurt.
“Hey, he’ll be ok I swear it,” Vic said laying a hand on my shoulder making me
jump and pull away.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I hissed causing half the room to stop just as I
noticed Pat was back.

“John are you ok?” He asked me.

“John’s upset because of what they did to Will,” Vic answered.

“Don’t talk for me I can talk for myself. You don’t get to talk for me. Not
after…” I trailed off realizing what I was saying, that I was telling everyone.
That I was letting everyone know what he had done.

“Hey,” Pat said quietly coming up to me, “John, you’re all right. It’s just
Vic. Vic isn’t going to hurt you he doesn’t mean anything by it ok?”

I stood up gently lowering Will back onto the cot out of my lap and stood up
pulling my blanket tightly around myself. I was still shaking, still upset and
angry that I wasn’t able to protect my brother that the only man I had ever
trusted in my life, had ever showed me kindness had hurt me and I still
couldn’t get over it.

He only did it because if he hadn’t the brotherhood would have killed him
because my Da would have told everyone he refused and he was supposed to be
just like them. I knew that, I knew he did it to save himself so he could keep
helping people but, it felt invasive, more so then even my Da because after a
certain age I knew I couldn’t trust him even if I loved him and wished he would
be normal. I knew I couldn’t trust him. But Vic, Vic I had trusted more so than
anyone but my mum and he had taken that and thrown it away.

“He doesn’t get to talk for me after what he did,” I whispered curling myself
into a ball.

“What did he do?” Pat asked quietly bending down to sit on the floor next to my
cot. I didn’t have to look at him to tell he was scared of my answer. That he
was scared to know what had happened because he could already guess what had
happened.
“I did what I had to. I’m sorry John. I really am,” Vic said quietly standing
behind Pat making Pat turn around.

“Vic, I don’t care why you did whatever it was but, you need to back up,” Pat
said his hands balling into fist his anger showing.

“I’m backing up but only because I’m afraid if his blood pressure goes up he’s
going to have another seizure. I care about you guys all right? I really do and
I know saying sorry isn’t going to make it any better but I really am sorry,”
Vic said again before getting up and walking away.

“I don’t know what he did and you obviously aren’t ready to tell me but is
there anything I can do for you?” Pat asked me.

“I don’t think so, just leave me here with him so I can be here when he wakes
up. Why did he let them do that?” I asked.

“Let who do what?” Pat asked.

“They hurt him really bad Pat. Why would my Da let them do that?” I asked.

“It might not have been your Dad it might have been Lord. He’s in charge you
know, that right?” Pat told me.

“Yeah but he could fight him. He could tell him he won’t let someone do that to
them, to him and Da doesn’t… he doesn’t care. He wants them to hurt my babies.
He should care about them and he doesn’t and I don’t understand why,” I said
shaking my head going back over to Will and climbing on his cot putting his
head back in my lap even though he didn’t move.

“He doesn’t care about you either,” Pat replied, “If he did do you think he’d…”

“He does. Just not the way he’s supposed to,” I answered. I wasn’t stupid I
knew my Da “loved” me in his own twisted sick way. It felt like he wanted to
have sex with me which he obviously did and the things he said, the stuff he
did they all did. It made me feel confused, sick to my stomach because while
they knew I didn’t want to they kept telling me I did almost to the point where
I believed it. I believed sometimes that I wanted it. That my body wanted it
and I hated that fact. I hated the fact that it felt like they were right.

“No, if he cared about you he wouldn’t have contracted you to Leo. If he loved
you he wouldn’t have videotaped you and put it out there for the world to see.
I don’t know how our Dad’s feel about us but, it isn’t love. You don’t hurt
people you love. You would never do something like that Will or any of your
brothers or sisters and I would have never even thought of doing the things
they do to us to Charlie. If I ever even thought I was capable of doing
something like that to him I’d kill myself because it’s sick and it’s wrong and
you don’t hurt people you love like that. Not ever and you don’t let other
people do those things either,” Pat said to me.

Just then the door opened Hank came into the room and Pat and I both stopped
dead. We both knew he was probably there for me. The whole room went silent
watching him as he walked up to where Pat and I were.

“Dad,” Pat said, “What are you doing?”

“I just want to hang out with John for a little bit,” Hank said as he grabbed
my arm hard pulling me up before I could protest.

“Dad please,” Pat said, “Will is hurt. He needs his brother when he wakes up.”

“Don’t worry I’ll bring him back in one piece,” Hank said as he started pulling
me from the room.
***** 27 *****
Chapter Summary
     John gets to expierence some time with Hank at the Villa. After they
     leave he ends up at mass spending some time with his siblings and
     talking to Pat before he goes back to Leo's house for the day. He
     starts to ponder some of Leo's behaviors that make him more
     uncomfortable. The way he likes to hear John discuss things he's
     uncomfortable with.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 513 to 534. A bit of a shorter chapter that I ended in a weird
     spot but I didn't want to leave everyone hanging too long with the
     way the last one ended. Warnings: Rape/non-con, talk of rape, child
     sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation,
     mental health issues, underage, consensual kissing, talk of CSA
     that's planned against a toddler.
I wasn’t sure what was happening but only that it was probably going to hurt. I
didn’t fight him and I probably should have. He pulled me out into the hallway
where Father McClairen was standing. They dragged me down a hallway and into a
room that made my heart stop when I walked in. There was a weird couch in the
middle of the room and this weird stand up against the wall with straps on it.
On another wall was a set up like my Da had. Whips and paddles and other things
hanging on hooks on the wall and a cage in the corner. It wasn’t like the cage
at home with the domed top that looked more like a human sized bird cage but
more like a dog cage and I knew this room was trouble, I was in big trouble.

“Your eyes are so big,” Gus said running a hand through my hair, “Scared? It’s
ok to be scared but you might find you like it,” he said before he licked my
cheek.

He started forcing me to walk backwards and I couldn’t see what was going on
behind me. I knew Hank was in the room somewhere I just didn’t know where. Not
until Gus started forcing me to sit down and I felt Hank’s hands grab my hips
hard pulling me down.

I bit back a scream knowing I wasn’t allowed to scream, to protest. I felt Hank
go up my ass easily making me gasps. I closed my eyes trying to shut them out
as he started kissing the back of my neck.

“Don’t play dead baby. We just want to have some fun,” Hank whispered into my
ear somehow managing to push up inside of me making me squeak.

“You think you’ll cum hard?” Father McClairen asked laying a towel down on the
floor and leaning on it in front of us his head in my lap as he started kissing
my inner thighs making my head feel dizzy as Hank bucked up inside of me again.

I felt sick. I knew he was getting ready to give me a blow job and I didn’t
want him to. I didn’t want to be raped while someone else blew me. Hank pulled
me back so my back was leaning against his chest, his hands rubbing my torso
and stomach making me feel sick as he continued to buck up inside of me in a
short forceful burst every couple of minutes as Gus finally took me into his
mouth his hand massaging my balls making me jump making my stomach feel queasy.

“Feels good doesn’t it baby?” Hank breathed into my neck. I was just trying to
stay calm trying not to plead with them to stop no matter how much I wanted
them to stop.

They kept going until I was right at the edge and then Hank jacked me off
making me orgasm all over Father McClairen face who seemed to really like it
laughing and then leaning up and kissing me, “Good boy. You taste really
sweet.”

Hank finished inside of me my whole being beyond numb, beyond tired and I just
hoped they were done so I could go home, so I could leave. I didn’t want to be
in that damn house anymore. I didn’t want to feel their hands on me, feel them
inside of me. I was sick and tired and felt like a piece of meat and it made me
angry and sad. When Hank was done he let me get up my whole ass burning as he
pulled out laying me down on the weird couch still rubbing my shoulders and
chest and stomach. I wanted his hands off of me, want him to stop.

“Hey,” Hank said to Father McClairen, “Don’t you love his face?”

“Yeah, I love his cum more though. I think he tastes amazing you were right, I
should have done that instead of fuck him not that he’s a bad fuck he’s really
good but that taste is unlike anything I’ve ever had,” Gus told him.

“I’ve never seen his face as he cums I’m usually behind him. I’d love to see
what he looks like being blown,” Hank said, “Well you help me out? I’ll shove a
vibe up there and you just go to town, so I can see his eyes, see what’s going
on in that head of his?”
“Oh yeah,” McClairen said nodding his head excitedly as Hank grabbed a vibrator
off of the wall and they pushed it inside of me. Hank grabbed a chair from
somewhere on the other side of the room and took my arms keeping me down,
keeping me laying down against that weird couch as he turned on the vibrator
and I felt my eyes go wide Hank smiling at me petting my face.

“Hi there. Look at those gorgeous eyes,” he said smiling, “You going to cum
good for us baby?” He asked me.

My chest was already heaving because I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The
vibrator on full blast giving constant stimulation to my prostate making me
feel dizzy as I tried to keep breathing. That cold fire was horrible but I kept
telling myself that I was ok that as soon as I orgasmed it would be over
because they would be done. I just had to give them what they wanted and they
would be done.

I felt his mouth go around me his hands massaging me as he started using his
mouth to fuck me. I felt sick. My eyes started to roll as Hank smacked my face
lightly, “Look at me beautiful.” he said, “Not yet just look at me. There you
go, what does it feel like?”

I couldn’t speak my mouth stuck open my eyes still trying to roll my body
shuddering because I couldn’t take it. Every touch hurting. Every touch too
much as Gus’s tongue started doing something weird a moan escaping my mouth
before I could stop it.
“Surprised yourself?” Hank said, “It’s ok that it feels good. You can let us
know.”

I tried to fight making more sounds but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop myself from
making noise. it caused me pain and something else all at once every cell in my
body misfiring until I couldn’t stop my eyes from rolling again my whole body
overwhelmed with orgasm as I heard Hank laughing and felt his lips brush
against my forehead.

“Beautiful, just beautiful,” he muttered kissing my forehead again.

I remember the most his eyes. His normally cold eyes that seemed to not show
any emotion at all had something behind them. Excitement, happiness as I stared
at him not being able to control the emotions I showed. I was scared and hating
myself and he knew it and worse, he was enjoying it. He could see I was in
emotional pain, hating myself and my body, everything that I was and the fact
that I couldn’t control what was happening and liking it. He liked seeing me
suffer in a way that most people don’t see or don’t bother to notice and he was
getting off on it.

I don’t remember McClairen leaving but I know Hank climbed back on top of me
again me so tired I couldn’t open my eyes to look at him as he had sex with me.
My lungs screaming at me, saying it was too hard. That moving air was too hard
my body was too heavy. My legs and arms felt almost broken like my brain could
no longer make them move, make them respond.

Every time I tried to speak a strangled gurgling moan was all I managed. I
don’t know how long he kept me there. How long he made me lay underneath him as
his hands and mouth and dick went everywhere he wanted them to, even using my
hand at one point to pleasure himself rubbing it up and down his shaft because
I was too tired and too weak to move it myself. When he was done he cuddled me,
pulling me into his lap and holding me like a baby. Talking to me even though I
can’t remember what it was he said. When he was done he stood up taking me back
to the holding room and putting me down on a cot near the door.

“Is he ok?” I heard Cole ask, “He doesn’t look very good.”

“He’s not twitching and shaking like before so I think he’s all right,” Tosh
answered, “I think he’s just tired.”

I managed to nod my head my eyes too heavy to open. My skin felt like it was on
fire with that cold horrible feeling. I wasn’t sure I could speak even if I
tried and I just felt lucky he hadn’t made me suck his dick because him doing
that probably would have caused me to choke to death and choking on a cock was
not on my list of things to do anytime soon. I sighed as I felt a little body
slide up onto the cot next to mine adding another blanket over top of my body
making me feel warmer, safer.
“It’s ok John my body hurts too,” Will told me curling into my side lifting my
arm up so he could put it around his shoulders.

I couldn’t even open my eyes to look at him. My little brother who needed me to
be there for him and I was too trapped in my body, my skin crawling my brain
working but unable to make my body move or speak. I felt weak and stupid and
used. I was just so tired though. I moved my hand grabbing his forehead.

“I know, it’s ok,” he said snuggling into me laying his head against my chest
over top of the blanket that was over me, “I’m sorry.”

I don’t remember falling asleep but more feeling relaxed. Feeling like once I
could speak again I would be ok, that things would somehow be ok because he was
there with me. Because I knew he was safe.

When I woke up I didn’t feel his head against my chest anymore jumping up
looking around freaking out searching for him. I was afraid they had taken him
back to hurt him more and then Dom looked at me, “Man it’s late people are
starting to go home. Your Dad took him home. he’s ok. He has a bit of a waddle
but most of us do otherwise it’s ok I swear to you.”

I sighed feeling reassured my whole body still tingling from what Hank and Gus
had done my brain hating everything that had happened. I sighed laying back and
closing my eyes trying to slow my breathing choosing to believe Dom. Choosing
to believe my Da wasn’t sick enough to make him go through other stuff after
someone had nearly ripped him apart from the inside out.

“Most people have already left. Chad is gone, most of his group is gone. Tosh
is gone, Ryuu is gone a bunch of other people. That little kid we were keeping
an eye on, he’s gone. However, I’m pretty sure he was just a prize because this
party was partly to honor him and he likes them young so…” Dom shrugged his
shoulders.

“Yeah. He scares me,” I answered pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Well, he told me I’m almost too old so we’re going to be in the clear soon I
hope,” Dom said.

“Maybe,” I answered, “I have little brother though and my Da basically said
Hank is making payments on him.”

“Payments on him? Your Dad is actually going to sell one of your siblings?” Dom
asked me frowning.

“I don’t think he’s going to sell him but he made it sound like,” I felt the
lump forming in my throat, “He was going to sell something that isn’t his to
sell in my personal opinion.”

“How old is he?” Dom asked.

“Mac? He’s almost 2,” I answered.

“Oh shit,” Dom said shaking his head at me, “He’s taking a payment plan for
your brothers…. v card?”

“That’s what it sounded like,” I told Dom.

“I really fucking hope not because Hank was the worst. When I was between 6 and
12. He’s nasty this scar…” He stood up turning around showing me a scar that
was right above his ass crack that looked like a bite mark, “I got that when I
was 10 I squealed. He got pissed because I squealed because he…” Dom shook his
head, “It hurt. That bite I will never forget that bite. He didn’t just bite me
he like fucking Mike Tysoned my ass crack.”

“Yeah, he hasn’t done that to me but he has whipped me more than once,” I said,
“Trust me. I’m not thrilled with the prospect of him spending time with my
brother. He’s been giving him toys too. Trying to make Mac think he’s a good
person. I care about Pat you know I do but I can’t stand Hank.”

“Yeah well, I don’t think anyone can including Pat. He might not be that bad to
Pat now other than the fact that he’s fucking mean. But when we were little Pat
and I spent a lot of time together. He used to hurt Pat, bad. Like really bad.
I’m talking broken ribs, fractured arms, he once busted Pat’s hand because Pat
got hungry and didn’t ask for permission to get food. If you’ve ever seen his
hand you’ll notice the scar from the stitches he got across his knuckles,” Dom
said.

“Yeah, I know which scar you’re talking about,” I said nodding my head.

“Hank is nasty to just about everyone,” Dom said, “He’s done a snuff or two
with Anderson who I don’t know if you’ve met him or not. He usually behaves
himself if he’s not in the backroom because it’s brotherhood rules but he’s
worse than Hank.”

“I might have once. I think he drew one of the stones at my branding,” I said
trying to remember who it was but not really sure about it at all.

“The thing I hate about Hank is how he enjoys it so much. Knowing you’re in
pain, knowing he’s making you do endure things you don’t want. He really gets
off on it the look on his face is…” Dom took a deep breath, “The stuff
nightmares are made of.”

I swallowed the knot in my throat and nodded my head. I didn’t want to think
about how true that was. How Hank had seemed so happy to see me struggle, to
know I hated not being able to be silent. How he liked the fact I couldn’t stop
myself from orgasming when him and Gus did those things.

“Hey, hey John. You’re ok,” Dom said, “It’s ok all right? I’m sorry. I didn’t
mean to upset you.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“You’re shaking,” Dom said, “I know it was something I said and I’m sorry.”

“No, it wasn’t you,” I said pulling my blanket tighter around me, “They pulled
me from the room you know?”

“Who did?” Dom asked.

“Hank and McClairen,” I answered, “He…Hank held me down and made me look at him
as…” my lips started trembling and I stopped speaking pulling my blanket up
over my face. I couldn’t tell him that even though Hank had probably done it to
him. Hank had probably done it just about everyone but me before even though he
had mentioned wanting to do it before.

“You’re safe now John. Right now, you’re safe ok? I’m sorry that he did that
you. You don’t deserve that I’m sorry,” Dom said quietly.

I took deep breaths trying to calm myself. Telling myself that Dom was right.
That right now I was ok, that I would be fine I just needed to breathe. But I
wasn’t fine with this. I wasn’t fine with Hank doing that, or Leo running his
hands through my hair as he made me look at him, as I begged him to stop and he
smiled at me telling me how good I was. How McClairen and everyone else
commented on how good I tasted. I wasn’t ok with this. This night, Chad and
Dick and Lou and everything else I wasn’t ok with. I found myself
hyperventilating instead of breathing.

“Woah, you need to breathe,” Dom said watching my chest heave as I tried to
slow down my breathing and failed, “Come on John. You’re going to make yourself
pass out. You need to breathe. Can someone…. thank you!” Dom said pulling the
blanket off my head and putting a paper bag in my hand, “breathe into this.”

Just then Pat came over pushing Dom out of the way, “Rabbit, please just
relax,” Pat said grabbing my hand and squeezing it, “Just relax.”

I used the bag focusing on blowing it up all the way. My breathing started to
even out both Pat and Dom encouraging me to just breathe. I felt stupid and
weak. Helpless like I couldn’t do anything to stop this from happening. Stop
them from using me like that.

“You ok?” Pat asked me quietly, his lips not touching me but close to my ear
making a bit of warmth flood my body but only for a brief second before it went
cold again.

“No,” I said shaking my head being honest, “I’m tired and I don’t want to go
with Leo. I want to go home, I want to go home to my own bed, my old bed and I
want to lay down and go to sleep and not have to worry about anyone ever
touching me again but that’s not going to happen.”

“If I could I would lay there with you, cuddle you. I would hold you and tell
you it would be ok but I can’t. In fact, it’s really dangerous for me to tell
you that right now,” he said causing me to look over at him.

“Really?” I asked quietly.

“I swear to you,” Pat said, “I’m sorry about Will. That I didn’t protect him
good enough.”

“It’s not your fault,” I told him sitting up as Lou came into the room.

“John it’s ok he’s here for me,” Dom said sighing and standing up.

“You ready to go kid?” Lou asked Dom and Dom nodded his head as Adam stood up
from the cot he was on in the corner.

“Yeah,” Dom said nodding his head dropping his blanket on the floor, “Am I
going to mass in the morning?”

“Of course, we are. Don’t be silly,” Lou said, “Why didn’t you tell me you had
such a nice friend?”

“Pop, come on let’s just go. It’s cold and we’re naked,” Dom said.

“I want to say good bye really quick,” Lou said glancing at me coming over to
the cot making me freeze up.

“Who is that?” Pat asked me.

“Dom’s pop,” I whispered.

“Hey John, come here,” he said squatting down at the end of my cot watching me
carefully.

“What do you want?” Pat asked Lou his face hard.

“Just to talk to your friend,” Lou answered.

“You used him? Didn’t you?” Pat hissed.

“We played. He’s good at playing aren’t you John?” Lou said grabbing my foot
causing me to jump and pull myself backwards.

“Leave him alone,” Pat hissed.

“Don’t tell me what to do kid. I’m warning you,” Lou said looking at Pat, “Come
here John.”

“Pop, please? Let’s just leave I’m tired,” Dom said.

“Me too,” Adam said glancing at me offering me an apology with his eyes, “Can
we go please?”

“I just want a kiss,” Lou said looking at me.

“He’s terrified,” Pat said, “Leave him alone please?”

“Just a kiss baby come on,” he said inching closer to me making me feel like I
couldn’t breathe, making me feel like there was a boulder sitting on my chest.
I felt sick to my stomach every fiber in my being screaming at me to run that
he was going to hurt me again but feeling trapped, “If you don’t I’ll tell Leo
and he’ll be mad. You know Leo. I’m sure you’ve seen him get mad at least once,
you don’t want him mad, right?”

I shook my head no in reply. I didn’t want Leo mad. I didn’t want to be choked
again. I didn’t want him to hurt me.

“Then just give me one kiss baby. I won’t even give you tingles just a kiss
ok?” He said and someone from the corner of the room laughed causing all of us
to turn and look.

It was Chad and Dick standing over in the corner watching, laughing at us, at
me. I didn’t want Lou touching me. I didn’t want his lips anywhere near me but
if I wanted him to leave I knew I had to so I just nodded my head and took a
deep breath before I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips quickly trying
to pull away after a quick peck but he grabbed the back of my neck holding me
there. He forced his tongue in my mouth making me want to whine, to scream but
knowing I couldn’t. When he was done he let me go smiling as I rubbed the back
of my neck glaring at him.

“Thank you. Was that so hard?” He asked me.

I shook my head pulling my blanket tighter around me.

“I didn’t hear you,” he said smiling, “Don’t tell me they fucked the brain
right out of you. I know you’re a good one, obedient but I didn’t think you
were that submissive.”

“No,” I said not looking at him.

“No what?” He asked.

“No kissing you wasn’t that hard,” I whispered barely audible my lips barely
moving.

“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Maybe at some point we’ll get to play
again huh?” He said, “Ok boys let’s go.”

He got up and walked out of the room swiftly Dom and Adam following with a
quick wave of their hands. I closed my eyes exhaling deeply allowing some of
the tension to escape my body. I hated them. I hated kissing them and had never
been forced to kiss any of them in front of someone besides my Da kissing me
like that in front of my siblings. I felt embarrassed my cheeks burning red
from shame from being forced to kiss him and not being allowed to pull away.

Pat looked at me and sighed shaking his head. I could see in his face he wanted
to hold me. To kiss my lips to get Lou off my body so I didn’t have to feel his
lips against mine, his tongue in my mouth or his hand at the back of my neck
but we both knew he couldn’t. Both knew it would get us in too much trouble.

“Looks like Johnny is a little whipped,” One of their group said some guy with
black greasy hair and a pointed nose that I didn’t know. That made me angry
that he knew my name, who I was but I didn’t know him.

“Just ignore them,” Pat said, “We’re ok and they can’t touch you. You’re an
untouchable.”

“What don’t feel like talking about that kiss?” The same guy taunted looking at
us, “You kiss everyone like that?”

“Who are you?” Pat asked the guy frowning.

“My name is Gun,” he said, “How is it I know who you freaks are but you don’t
know me?”

“We got lucky I guess,” Pat said causing Gun to get angry.

“I wouldn’t say that sweetheart. I don’t think you’re lucky at all considering
you’re everyone’s butt boy from what I understand,” Gun replied.

“No, I’m not,” Pat said, “In fact if you listen to them talk about me I have
what they call an obedience problem.”

“I wasn’t talking about you,” Gun said, “I was talking about your friend
there.”

“You don’t have any right to talk to him,” Pat hissed.

“I heard he plays real nice,” Gun said, “Is it true?”

“Fuck yeah,” Dick said looking at me, “You want to play with him Gun? I’ll hold
him down for you.”

“You’re not coming near him,” Cole and Tosh hissed in unison.

Just then Leo came into the room already wearing his clothes again. I sighed
knowing he was there to take me and Dick with him. Dick who had just said he
would hold me down so his friend could rape me. I didn’t want to be anywhere
near him.

Leo started walking towards us and I nodded my head telling Tosh and Cole to
walk away and they did. Pat shook his head at me. Let me know he wasn’t leaving
that Leo didn’t scare him. That he wasn’t going to leave me alone with him.

“Hey beautiful,” Leo cooed quietly sitting down on the cot next to mine as I
sat up propping myself against the wall, “You ok?”

“I want to go home,” I answered not looking him in the face.

“Home with me or home with your Da?” He asked me.

“Home with my Da,” I answered quietly.

“Why not home with me?” He asked his eyes never leaving my face even though I
wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“Because you’re going to…” I trailed off.

“No beautiful. I can tell you’re tired that you need some rest so I’m going to
take you home. We’ll stop and get any food you want to eat and you just sleep
after you get some food ok? I know it’s been a really long day for you,” Leo
said, “I don’t want you to worry about anything ok? Just focus on resting. Rich
is going to drive us home that way you can sit in the back by yourself and
spread out not worry about any of that stuff ok baby?” He said reaching his
hand out touching my face making me shiver even as I nodded my head.

“Ok, come on let’s go,” he said standing up and holding out a hand for me to
grab to help me up, “Dick come on we’re going to go, you get to drive us home.”

“Really?” Dick said frowning, “Whatever.”

I stood up and walked out giving Pat a sad look as I left. I wanted to go home,
home not to Leo’s. I knew Leo would hurt me sooner or later however we got
dressed at the front door and neither Dick nor Leo touched me as we went
outside and got into the car. Leo told me to put the bag over my head and I did
and he allowed Rich to drive us half way back to the house before he pulled
over and made Rich put his bag on his head. I didn’t wake up until Leo stopped
at a Taco bell telling us we could take our hoods off and order something to
eat.

At first, I didn’t know what to order having only been to a taco bell a handful
of times but ordered a Nacho meal of some kind that Leo handed back to me and
told me to wait until we got to the house. When the garage door opened I felt
scared not sure he would keep his promise not sure he would leave me alone.

“Rich let John shower first ok?” Leo said looking at Dick.

“I’ll just go home,” Dick said grabbing his food and then getting out of the
car and walking out the garage door while it was still open, “Later dad.”

“Yeah later Rich. I love you, ok?” Leo called.

“Yeah, I love you too. See you later John,” Rich said smiling at me making me
feel sick.

Leo hit the garage door button closing it behind him and then grabbed my food,
“You going to be ok to get upstairs on your own?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“You’re not sore?” He asked me.

“I mean I’m a little sore but not so bad I can’t walk up the stairs,” I
answered.

“Did you have fun?” He asked me.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “You said he wouldn’t do group stuff.”

“I said I’d tell him not to do group stuff. That doesn’t mean I could stop him
from doing it anyway,” Leo said, “He told me what happened. He said you spent
some time with him Lou and Chad?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head even though he couldn’t see me as he unlocked
the door into the condo and we both walked inside him shutting and locking the
door behind me.

“You didn’t like that?” He asked me.

“It hurt,” I answered not wanting to think about it. Not wanting to think about
Chad on top of me, doing things to me while Lou had sex with him.

“What part?” He asked me his curiosity peeking.

“All of it,” I answered.

“Can you tell me what they did?” He asked.

“Do I have to?” I asked as he set the food he was carrying down on the coffee
table in the living room.

I didn’t want to talk about it but I knew he would push me to. That he would
make me talk about it because he wanted me to relive it for him. He wanted me
to be upset so he could get off on me telling him about it.

Every small detail. I sighed. I didn’t want to do this right now. I was tired
and broken and a dirty fucking slut and I didn’t want to think about it.

“I think it might make you feel better to talk about it. Maybe you’ll figure
out what you didn’t like about it so next time you can tell them not to do
that.” Leo commented.

“Like they would listen?” I asked bitterly.

“No but at least you’d be making your wants known. Instead of just saying no
you could say “no don’t tie me up like that” or “No don’t move your tongue that
way” they might be more likely to listen to you,” he answered.

“I don’t think talking about it will make me feel better,” I answered quietly,
“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You should though. You should talk about it. I can help you analyze why you
don’t like something maybe and then we can work on it together,” he told me.

“What do you mean work on it?” I asked.

“Work on getting you to like it,” Leo answered.

“I’m never going to like it,” I answered thinking about the things they did to
me. Thinking about how my penis seemed to be where most of their attention was
drawn at least when it was me and one of them alone and not a group. When it
was a group their hands seemed to be all over my body.

“Why do you think you’ll never like it?” He asked me.

“I hate the way it feels,” I answered, “I hate the way …” I sighed.

“The way what baby?” He asked sitting down next to me his hand reaching to cup
my cheek making me pull away.

“Ok,” Leo said nodding his head a thoughtful look on his face, “Maybe you
should shower and then eat and take a nap all right? Maybe you’ll feel like
talking about it later?”

I nodded my head as he backed away from me. I got up and went into the bathroom
shutting the door behind me and turning on the water. I would have sat down if
my ass hadn’t of been so sore. If my whole body hadn’t been screaming at me.

I ended up taking a quick shower as hot as I could stand it, hoping it would
scald my skin off. When I was done I came out just as Leo was pulling my nachos
out of the microwave and he set them down for me back on the coffee table
handing me the remote.
“I have some paperwork to do so I’ll be in the office. You can watch whatever
you want. When you’re done though I want you to go to bed and get some sleep
ok?” Leo said to me.

I nodded my head and he walked away. Looking at the menu the time flashed on
the tv 11pm. It was late to be eating, it was late to be doing anything
especially when I had to be up at 6am to get to mass because I couldn’t miss
mass. Attending mass on Sunday was a part of my grade because I went to
catholic school and if I missed it unless I was sick with something contagious
or dying I had to be there. I ended up eating as I mindlessly watched TV
because nothing was on and when I was full I took my nachos and put them in the
fridge and then went to the bedroom.

I opened my drawer looking for clothes but didn’t find any sweats or anything
which meant I had to sleep naked. The thought of Leo crawling in bed with me
later making me feel sick to my stomach not wanting to be anywhere near him if
I didn’t have clothes on so walked back into the bathroom and grabbed my dirty
sweats off the bathroom floor putting them on. I then went into the medicine
cabinet and took some Tylenol using my hand to cup water into my mouth from the
bathroom sink before I turned off the light and went back into the bedroom
climbing into the bed and turning off the light on the side table.

I didn’t wake up until the alarm went off the next morning tell Leo and I we
had to get ready for mass. Leo was back to back with me, not hugging me or
touching me but just laying next to me asleep as well and when we woke up he
asked me if I wanted another shower which I did and I took one quickly getting
dressed into my school uniform because it was the only church appropriate
attire I had with me and I never wore it for long anyway on Sundays to begin
with.

When we got there everyone was working on filing in and I saw my families Van
two heads of bright red hair in a pile of blonds standing next to it while
Alice’s butt was sticking out of the back.

“Leo? Can I go help Alice?” I asked.

“Yeah, go say hi to your sibling’s kiddo. Nothing wrong with that,” Leo said as
we both stepped out of the SUV and I ran over to them.

“JACK!” I was greeted by Andy.

“Hi Andy, what are you up to?” I asked him picking him up as he almost ran out
into the street to meet me before giving him a gentle squeeze and setting him
back down.

“Da said Will is sick so we came without them and he stayed home,” he told me.

Or at least I think that’s what he said. Half of it was incoherent babble
because he was two, almost 3.

“I see,” I said, “Hi Alice. Do you need some help?” I asked her.

“Oh yes, dear that would be great,” she told me handing me Mac as she pulled
him out of his car seat, “You’re Da said your brother William was sick the
morning so your uncle was supposed to meet me here but, I haven’t seen him
yet.”

“That’s ok,” I answered, “I got it. Did you bring the stroller?” I asked her.

“Yes dear. It’s in the trunk if you don’t mind grabbing it for me,” she said.

“Ok, Andy can you stand next to Matt and Mike while I get out the stroller for
Alice?” I asked him, “Mike can you hold Mac for just a second so he doesn’t go
anywhere?”

“Ok,” he said taking Mac in his arms as I pulled the 3-child stroller from the
trunk unfolding it and making sure it was secure before grabbing Mac back from
Mike and putting him in the stroller. I quickly managed to secure him before
Alice handed Mary over to me and she smiled giggling at me happily.

“Hi pretty girl,” I said giving her a kiss, “And how was your weekend?”

“goo,” she mumbled in her little baby voice.

“Did she just say good?” I asked Alice.

“Yes, she did. She just started saying it yesterday,” Alice said smiling
proudly as she got Seamus and shut the van sliding door, “She’s a smart girl.
Aren’t you sweetheart?”

“Really just yesterday?” I asked her.

“Yes, I asked her if she liked her food and she said “good” and has said it
every time someone has asked her something since,” Alice said, “I love these
kids. Shay still hasn’t said anything other than hi but you know how it goes.
Everyone is a little different isn’t that right baby boy?” She said holding him
to her before she buckled him into the stroller next to Mac, “If you want to
carry her in that would be great that way we can put Andy in the stroller
because he likes to run off,” she told me grabbing Andy as I nodded.

“Laura dear can you hold onto the stroller as walk inside?” She asked bending
down to become eye level with her.

“Yes, Auntie Alice,” Laura said quietly smiling at her.

“That’s my well-behaved girl,” Alice said smiling back as she grabbed the
stroller, “Now everyone please stay out of the street. I don’t want any
smooshed kids the morning all right? Follow me.”

They lined up behind her like ducklings following their mother as we made our
way from the parking space to the church behaving better than I had ever seen
them behave James turning around to look at me a couple of times on the way in.
I felt like he had something to say to me but I wasn’t sure what it was and
didn’t ask until I had helped Alice get settled in.

“I’m going to take the stroller out to the lobby you want to help me James?” I
asked him to figure that maybe he wanted a moment alone with me.

“Yeah, I’ll help,” he said grabbing the stroller as I got behind him helping
him push.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“Will said he’s hurt really bad,” James told me, “Is it because of Mr. Lord?”

“I don’t know bud,” I answered not sure there was anything I could really say
to explain it to him only that he knew more than he already should, “He’ll be
ok though, it’ll just take a couple of days all right?”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Da took him somewhere yesterday morning and
they didn’t come back until late.”

“I know,” I answered.

“Were you there? He said you were there,” James asked me.

“I was,” I answered nodding my head.

“Where were you?” He asked me as I parked the stroller in the stroller area and
locked the wheels.

I sighed and got down on my knees so I was closer to his level as he looked at
me. I didn’t want to tell him where we had been. I didn’t want to expose him to
that world until he had to know about it but I didn’t want to lie either. I
sighed and quietly answered him, “We were at a house where a lot of Mr. Lord
and Da’s friends were. I huh…just know we’re ok now all right bud?”

“You would let me know if you weren’t so I could help you right?” He said
looking at me sadly.

“Let’s not worry about that right now ok?” I said, “Just know I’ll be home
tomorrow after school and if you have any questions you want to ask you can ask
me then but we shouldn’t talk about this right now ok?”

“I don’t understand why we can’t talk about it when it’s all everything ever is
besides school,” James said to me frowning.

“Because people aren’t supposed to know so we can’t talk about in places they
will hear us talking about it,” I answered, “Let’s go to mass ok? I’ll be home
tomorrow and like I said we can talk about it then. Did anything good happen
this weekend?”

“Well, Matt let me play Mario with him because Mike was busy with uncle Ben in
the other room so that was fun,” James answered, “But I don’t know. I was
worried.”

“Ok,” I answered nodding my head worry hitting me too knowing what had probably
happened behind that closed door, “Anything else?”

“Catty made me play house for a little while and Andy was our baby,” he
answered causing me to laugh.

“How did that go?” I asked smiling.

“Well, Andy wanted to be the daddy but Catty kept telling him he wasn’t old
enough so he had to be the baby and then she told him he could be the big
brother instead when he wouldn’t stop crying so her dolly Sarah was the baby
instead. He fed the baby like you do and he said he was going to be the best
big brother ever and wasn’t bad at it but then later he changed his mind and
decided he wanted to be the daddy again so Catty said we would both be Daddy’s
and she would be the baby. Which I don’t know why she was allowed to be the
baby but anyway we took care of her even though Andy couldn’t carry her and
she’s really heavy but she had fun. And then we built a fort out of blankets
and hid from…” James looked around to make sure no one was listening, “We hid
from Uncle Ben because he was evil.”

“Ok,” I nodded my head, “Did you have fun while hiding?”

“I read them a story,” he said, “It was fun.”

“Good I’m glad you had fun. Let’s go sit with Alice ok?” I said and he nodded
his head smiling at me taking my hand as we walked back to the pew.

I kept my eye out for Pat and saw him sitting with our class. I wanted to see
him to spend some time with him and make sure our plans to skip were still
happening tomorrow but I didn’t want to leave Alice alone with the kids
especially if Uncle Ben was coming. So, I sat. I don’t remember what service
was about too busy dealing with Mary who was squirming around on my lap trying
to play with her own foot. When service was over I helped Alice get everyone
ready to leave before I went over to Leo and asked if it was ok that I walk
them out and he said yes. Once everyone was in the car Alice stopped looking at
me.

“You know I’m sorry but there’s not much I can do,” she told me.

“I understand,” I answered.

“You are a nice young man Johnathan. I’m sorry I said all of those things to
you,” she sighed, “At least you care about them. I’ll see you Monday when you
come home yes?”

“Yes Mam,” I answered nodding my head.

“I have a question for you,” she said stopping before she opened the driver
side door of the van, “Do you write anything down? Keep a journal?”

“I used to but not since we got back,” I answered.

“You should start again. Sometimes there are things we can’t tell people no
matter how badly we want to. It’s better to get those things out of your head
then walk around carrying them. The weight of those things will crush you and
sometimes writing them out when we can’t tell anyone about them, it helps. I’ll
see you later John,” she said climbing into the Van as I walked back towards
the chapel to see Pat standing outside the front door waiting for me.

“Hey Rabbit,” he said quietly.

“Hi,” I said suddenly feeling shy.

Sometimes he just gave me butterflies and I still can’t explain why. I had
spent a good deal of Saturday in a room naked with him and around 15 other boys
yet, he could still make me feel shy. Still make me wonder what he was going to
do next. What he was going to say. His eyes always giving me hope.

“You want to walk with me a little bit? Go somewhere and talk?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head looking around figuring I probably had time
before Leo figured out I was gone for too long.

We started walking back to our spot, “Can I ask you something?” Pat said
suddenly making me feel worried, on edge.

“What?” I asked.

“About yesterday,” Pat said, “Listen I know you don’t want to talk about it, I
get it but you don’t talk to anyone anymore it seems like. You’ve gone really
quiet and I don’t know. I’m worried ok? You’re keeping things from me since you
got back and you’ve never done that before.”

“I just…I keep wishing it was over. That they weren’t…you know,” I said
shrugging my shoulders, “What about yesterday?”

“Gun said he heard you play nice and Dick said that you do…were they talking
about?” Pat trailed off and I shook my head, “Rabbit, talk to me please. I’m
worried. If you don’t talk about it I’m worried you’re going to hurt yourself
again. Things are getting worse than they were before you left and yet you’re
shutting down. You’re shutting everyone out. You can’t do that you’ll break and
I can’t have you broken Rabbit please.”

“I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about Dick or Leo or the
fact that Leo said I had to let Dick,” I wheezed, “Or that they strapped me
down with one arm so…” I started shaking.

“Ok, Rabbit. It’s ok,” Pat said glancing around quickly to make sure no one was
around before he wrapped his arms around me holding me allowing me to bury my
face in his shoulder, “You’re ok it’s not happening right now. Right now,
you’re safe here with me all right?”

“I don’t want to have sex with them,” I said into his shoulder.

“I know,” Pat said stroking his hand up and down my back through my shirt, “I
know. Not talking about it doesn’t make them stop though it just makes it so
you have to deal with it alone. Sometimes talking about how it makes you feel
can help you feel better and you try your damnedest not to talk about it at
all. Especially since the hospital.”

“I won’t go back there,” I said, “I won’t ever go back there.”

“You will if you hurt yourself again and not talking about it is going to make
you do that,” Pat warned me.

“No, you don’t get it I will NEVER go back there again. I will make sure I kill
myself before I ever go back there. You don’t understand what it was like
there. It was horrible. I couldn’t breathe Pat, they wouldn’t let me breathe
every time I was in a room alone one of them…I couldn’t breathe!” I said
forcefully.

“Ok, it’s ok,” Pat said talking to calm me down, “I’ve been there remember? I
know what they can be like. There they are mean. They talk to your Dad to learn
the things you hate the most and do them over and over and over until you beg
to go home. I remember that.”

“Neal bruised me,” I said quietly. Not wanting to tell him where not wanting to
go into detail about it. How he had spent the night between my legs sucking on
me making me orgasm over and over until it hurt until I couldn’t get hard
anymore until my whole body felt like one cramped tense muscle that I couldn’t
get to relax.

“How?” He asked me quietly.

“With his mouth,” I answered trying not to think about it, trying not to
remember it.

“Oh,” Pat said his eyes going wide for a moment nodding his head in
understanding, “I’m sorry that happened.”

“I begged Leo to let me leave after that, let me go to his house. I knew what I
was asking for what I was agreeing to him, to let him…but I couldn’t take being
there anymore. I couldn’t take them doing those things to me anymore,” I said,
“And now I’m stuck with Leo and he’s… there is something wrong with him. He
pretends to be nice and then he’s not. And he makes me tell him everything. He
makes me talk about Da and Hank and everyone else and I hate it.”

“He makes you talk about stuff like in detail?” Pat asked me still rubbing his
hand along my back.

“Yeah,” I said quietly nodding my head trying to calm myself down to keep
myself from crying.

“That’s why you don’t want to tell me things anymore?” He asked me quietly.

“Every time he makes me talk about them I think about them. He makes me think
about every little thing. Like the ice cream, the way he tasted like ice cream
the first time he…,” I shook my head, “I don’t want to think about those
things. I don’t want to think about the way those things make me feel. How
dirty they make me feel, how gross,” I answered.

“Ok,” Pat said, “There’s something else though too. Cole said something about
my Dad that my Dad has been talking about Malachy a lot. Bad stuff. You won’t
talk to me about that because it’s about him, right?”

“Yeah,” I answered, “I mean he’s still you’re Dad. I’m sure you don’t want to
hear about how he wants to …Mac is only almost 2. He’s literally a baby Pat.
Like in every sense of the word and your Dad is thinking of him like that? That
can’t make you feel good.”

“No, it doesn’t but you have to understand he used to hurt me really bad when I
was little too. Ok? I don’t know if you know this but he used to keep me from
eating because he didn’t want me to make a mess when he rubbed himself on me.
He didn’t rape me, rape me until I was like 8 or 9 but he used to touch me and
rub himself against my butt and all of these other horrible things that someone
shouldn’t do to a four-year-old little boy and he did them. He’s an evil man
and I know that he is. I won’t get upset at you for discussing how sick he is
with me. I know it’s embarrassing for you some of the stuff he’s done to you
but I won’t think any less of you because he did it. I won’t think that there
is anything wrong with you or be mad at you for calling him every name in the
book because my dad is a pig ok? He deserves to be burned to death slowly in my
personal opinion. I don’t love him in anyway and I’m not longer afraid of him
but I fucking hate him.” Pat told me.

“Having to relive that though, having to think about that wouldn’t it upset
you?” I asked.

“Honestly I avoid thinking about it as much as possible and when I do think
about it for some reason I don’t feel anything. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my
brains way of protecting myself, of dealing with it. Maybe you haven’t gotten
to that point yet but when I think of different things ones that I can actually
clearly remember it’s like watching a horror movie. I don’t really, I don’t
know,” Pat answered shrugging his shoulders.

“How?” I asked.

I wondered why it was he didn’t feel anything about it. How he could go through
life not feeling anything about it even when recalling details of it. Was it
because it had been happening to him as long as he could remember or was it
because he was so angry he was just numb to how badly it hurt him and so he was
in survival mode or what? I wasn’t sure but I wished desperately I could do
that, that I didn’t have to feel or relive things every time I thought of them.

“I don’t know,” he answered, “He’s been doing it for a long time. Maybe he beat
the connection right out of me? He was violent Rabbit, he was very violent. He
would choke me and beat me with paddles and whips and sodomize me with
vibrators and he was just nasty. He’s still a nasty person. I can tell you one
time he caught me trying to find clothes because he had friends coming over and
I didn’t want to be naked in front of them because well you know the type of
people he hangs out with. When I grabbed a blanket, he broke two of my fingers
on each hand and then tied me to a chair he made me watch him and his friends
have an orgie and then let them take turns doing things to me and I was six.
One of them was a kid probably around our age and I watched him cry as they
made him do things to me because he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hurt me
and I …out of the whole thing that’s the only part I really have any emotion
connected to is how badly I wanted that kid to not hate himself because they
were making him hurt me and I knew that he hated himself for having to do it.”

“I can understand that,” I said, “They made me cum in Will’s face and I felt…I
thought he would hate me for it and I hated myself for not being able to
control it, to make it not happen.”

“Will is smart. Will doesn’t hate you for anything. Will gets it. If anyone can
understand you it’s him,” Pat assured me.

“What I don’t understand is how guys that are like us can want to do that to
someone. Can enjoy it,” I said, “How can you enjoy someone under you screaming,
fighting begging you to stop like I…like I begged Dick and yet still do it
anyway.”

“I wish I had an answer to that but I don’t,” Pat said, “Is that what he did to
you?”

I nodded my head, not wanting to talk about it anymore. Not wanting to admit
Dick had done that to me, had forced his way inside of me, made me do things.
How he had kissed me and made me kiss back, how he had blown me stealing my
breath and making me feel sick to my stomach.

“They like to go down on me,” I said not able to look Pat in the face, “I hate
it. I want to cut it off because if I don’t have a dick they can’t shove in
their mouths and make me feel like that.”

Pat’s eyes went wide with horror, “Rabbit you don’t mean that do you? You can’t
do that to yourself ok? They will put you back in the hospital they will make
sure you…”

“I know. I’m saying I want to not that I will,” I answered, “My body does
things I don’t want it to do when they do that.”

“And that is exactly why they do it,” Pat told me, “Because we can’t control
how our bodies respond to that. They do it to me too. Why do you think I’m ok
that you never wanted to go further than we did? Because I know what it feels
like to have someone, someone you don’t want to do those things and not being
able to get them to stop. Whatever you are ok with if we ever get into that
again is what I’m ok with and whatever you aren’t ok with will never happen.
Not with me I swear to you Rabbit, I love you. I respect you and I will do
anything for you. You understand?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head wiping at my eyes vigorously drying my tears.

Pat leaned his forehead against mine and I grabbed the back of his neck
lightly. I could tell he was being honest. That he would never hurt me. That he
would go out of his way to make sure he never hurt me. I kissed him quickly on
the lips a light peck to make sure Leo couldn’t smell him on me even though I
was sure Leo would know that I had snuck away with him anyway, “I trust you. I
love you.” I said nodding my head.

“Ok good. Let’s get you back before he gets mad ok?” Pat said and I nodded my
head starting to walk back towards the chapel back towards Leo and whatever it
was he would want me to do when he took me back to his house.

He made sure he didn’t hold my hand as we walked back towards the front door
even though I desperately wanted him to as I wasn’t ready to let him go, for
his body to lose contact with mine. Contact that comforted me and made me feel
like I was human and not some toy for people to use and throw away. I sighed
when we got to the door knowing I wouldn’t see him against until the next
morning. Knowing that I was Leo’s again, that I belonged to him and whomever he
wanted to share me with as we stepped back inside the church.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah our plans still on?” Pat asked me and I nodded my head as we walked back
into the chapel him looking for Hank while I looked for Leo. When I saw him, I
went over to him, standing next to him. He was standing next to Lou and Tanner
who were talking quietly with him.

“There’s the handsome boy we’ve been talking about,” Lou said spotting me
first.

“There you are. Where were you?” Leo asked me.

“Helping Alice get everyone loaded up to go home,” I answered, not really lying
but not telling the truth either.

“Well, apparently Lou here saw a video Tony is putting together staring you and
another young man. He said it’s very good work,” Leo said making me shudder a
cold shock zapping me up the back of my spine.

“You remember?” He asked me.

How could I forget? What Lou did to me yesterday and what Dobbs did to me. What
they had let Chad and Dick do to me. I exhaled my lip starting to tremble.

“Oh, it’s ok John. You’re all right,” Leo said quietly, “They said you did
really good. That you were really good.”

“I—I,” I made a whimpering sound, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“We’ll talk about it later ok?” Leo said looking at me trying to act nice, “He
just wanted you to know you did a good job ok?”

I nodded my head trying to stop myself from crying. I didn’t want to think
about how much it had hurt, the things they had made me do. The way Dick had
forced me to do things. Like how Leo forced me to do things.

“Well, he’s jumpy now so I think I should probably take him home,” Leo said
putting a hand on my shoulder turning around a guiding me away, “It’s ok.”

He took me to the SUV and we got in him not wasting time getting into the
driver’s seat after I was in the car. I sighed. I didn’t want to be this close
to him not after he talked about that with someone and I knew he wanted me to
talk about what had happened. How his own son had raped me.

“You want to stop anywhere for food?” He asked me.

“No thanks. I’m not hungry right now,” I answered wiping at my eyes trying to
keep myself from crying.

“Why are you upset baby?” He asked me glancing over as he started pulling out
of the parking lot his hand going to me knee making me whimper again wanting to
pull away but knowing better. Knowing that I couldn’t fight because if I did he
would get angry and his anger was the kind that could kill. That could hurt.

“I didn’t want you to know about that,” I answered.

“Why? Were you afraid I’d be jealous? I won’t I promise. Why don’t you tell me
about it?” He coaxed.

“I don’t want to,” I said quietly.

“But I’d love to hear about it. Lou said you treated Rich really nice. That you
were good to him. Why don’t you tell me about it?” He said again. “What was it
like?”

“Scary,” I answered quietly after a minute.

“Why? Was Rich mean to you?” Leo asked, “Because according to Lou on the video
he was very nice. He didn’t hit you or anything why don’t you tell me what he
did do that was so scary.”

“He had Simms tie me down by my one wrists and he…” I shook my head as Leo
started petting my leg moving his hand up and down my thigh.

“Keep going. I’m listening,” he said.

“He did things to me,” I answered, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Talking about it might make you feel better. Get it off your chest, did he
suck you? Make you feel nice?” He asked me making me tense, “Rich was always
good at that as a little boy. He knew exactly how to use his tongue. I bet he
still does. I mean after he got past a certain age and I had other playmates to
choose from we weren’t together so much because it just felt weird being my own
son so…but he was always good at that.”

“Please don’t make me talk about it,” I begged, “I don’t want to talk about
it.”

“Well I want to hear about it so tell me,” he said, “Unless you want to make
another video for my friends of course.”

“No,” I whimpered, “Please.” I started crying. I couldn’t help myself.

“Just tell me about it then. Tell me what happened, come on baby,” Leo said.

“He grabbed me from behind and kissed my neck, he…” I started feeling like I
was having an anxiety attack wiggling my foot and gripping the door handle so I
didn’t pull away from him. His hand still traveling up and down my thigh, “He
said he wanted to make me moan. He told me it was ok. That I was ok that he
would make me feel good and he pushed me onto the bed. He made me lay on my
back so he could look at me. I didn’t want to so I started pushing at him
trying to get him to stop. I begged him and he wouldn’t stop, he wouldn’t
stop,” I kept wheezing like a broken record, “he wouldn’t stop, he wouldn’t
stop.”

Leo must have pulled over the car without me realizing it because before I knew
it he was undoing my seat belt and grabbing me pulling me over the console and
pulling me into his chest, holding me there the best he could rocking me,
“You’re ok. You did good. You were a good boy. There’s nothing to be upset
about ok? You did great. Lou told me you did great and I believe him all right?
I’m not upset with you, you didn’t do anything wrong. You did good. You’re a
good boy baby, you did really good.”

I couldn’t stop shaking and crying my whole mind reliving everything Dick had
done to me, had forced me to do. How he had let them restrain me just enough to
make it easier to overpower me so he could do those things to me. So, he could
put his lips and tongue against my skin in places it shouldn’t have been. So,
he could be inside me bumping against my prostate making my whole body freeze
up that electric cold fire shooting up into my body.

I wanted to pull away but at the same time I wanted comfort. I didn’t want to
have to feel the ghost of that memory on my skin anymore the way my whole body
tingled. Even now after all the rapes I’ve been through it’s hard to describe
what it feels like to have a dick up your ass, how it hurts and sometimes can
feel good all at once. How the pressure builds up in your pelvis burning and
stinging as they move in and out of you. Your body trying to rebel yet trying
to accept the intrusion all at once.

“It’s ok,” Leo kept cooing to me.

“If I’m so good why don’t they listen to me?” I asked, “I didn’t want him to. I
didn’t want him to put his mouth there and he did and he pushed inside of me
and he wouldn’t stop.”

“They don’t listen to you baby because you’re young. You don’t know what’s best
for you and we do ok? We know what you need. You just need to trust us,” he
said, “Dick was just being told what he should do and he was doing it just like
you ok? He might have enjoyed it a little bit more than you did but he was just
doing what he was told to do.”

“I didn’t want him to,” I said again shaking my head.

“I know but I bet it felt good, right? I bet he made you cum nice and hard,” he
said making me freeze, making me pull away, “He did, didn’t he? Made you melt a
little bit? Made your eyes roll and made you pant?” He asked me his voice low
sounding excited, aroused.

“Please Leo? I really don’t want to talk about it,” I answered.

“Ok, I’ll take us home, all right?” Leo said looking at me, “Maybe you just
need some sleep?”

“Yeah maybe,” I said nodding my head starting to calm down now that he wasn’t
making me talk about it, think about it.
***** 28 *****
Chapter Summary
     After spending time at the Villa he goes back to school. He gets to
     spend some alone time with Pat who has noticed he's really struggling
     right now and deals with Dick and his taunting. Leo discovers
     something and takes matters into his own hands, so to speak.
Chapter Notes
     534 to 550. Not a lot of interaction with people outside of his
     friends and Leo for this. You have 586 pages until the end of part
     two. Sounds exciting huh? Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced
     rimming, underage, rape, swearing, bullying, underage consensual
     kissing/making out, talk of rape, talk of child sexual abuse. Things
     are starting to get darker. You're probably thinking "how can this
     get any darker?" Trust me it can and it does. John's teen years from
     like 14 to 16 aren't that great trust me on this. Once you think
     things finally start getting better they really don't. For him or for
     anyone because as John reaches 14 Will is reaching 12 and you know
     what happened when John turned 12. Oh yes and that means everyone
     else is getting older as well. The year after John turns 14 (you'll
     know when this happens trust me) it means everyone else is getting
     ready to turn Mary/Seamus have just turned 1, Mac has just turned 2
     and Laura and Andy just turned 3. Cat is getting ready to turn 6 and
     James just turned 7 and Mike and Matt are turning 10 over the summer.
     So yeah... just not a good time for just about anyone if you've been
     following all the little plot bunnies. If you keep sticking around
     though eventually things get better I promise. Thanks for reading! I
     love comments. I try to respond.
The rest of the ride back to his house was silent. He didn’t touch me or make
me touch him. When we got back and he allowed me to eat whatever I wanted out
of the fridge which wasn’t much because I wasn’t hungry but I did eat a
sandwich. He then told me to settle down and just try to relax while he did
more paperwork. I spent most of the day in bed sleeping. I felt fine for the
first time in about two days. When I was awake again watching TV he came into
the room shirtless looking tired.

When he sat down on the bed instead of sitting next to me on his side he sat
down on the foot of the bed looking at me. I knew something was wrong the look
in his eyes. He took the remote from beside me and turned off the TV.

“You’re ok, this is about you ok?” He said.

“What?” I asked my head going fuzzy, my stomach dropping.

“I’m just going to make you feel good,” he said rubbing my calves through the
blanket, “Help you relax.”

“I don’t need to relax,” I said shaking my head slightly.

“Yes, you do. You’re so tense baby,” he said climbing up my legs carefully
straddling me which wasn’t that hard because I was already mostly laying down,
“You want to turn over onto your stomach for me? I’ll give you a back massage.”

“Just a back massage?” I asked and he nodded his head at me smiling and kissed
my forehead.

While I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of him touching me I could deal with a
back massage. I could deal with him doing that as long as he didn’t do anything
else so I sighed nodding my head.

“Ok,” I said as he moved to sit beside me and I started to roll over.

“Take off your clothes,” he said noting the sweat pants I was wearing.

“Why?” I asked.

“Well, I have massage oil here and I don’t want to get on your pants, it would
stain so…I’d rather just be more careful with it. You understand I’m sure,” he
said and I sighed nodding my head knowing I wasn’t allowed to argue or resist
hoping that he would just give me a neck and back rub and that would be it.

I stood up and took off my pants laying down on my stomach as he straddled me
rubbing something cold on my back as I closed my eyes trying to breathe
normally, trying to relax. I didn’t trust him but I tried to make sure I kept
my body relaxed and I thought I was doing well until he leaned his weight on
top of me slightly kissing my shoulders and then his hands went to my ass
causing me to tense as he moved sliding down so he was sitting on my calves.

“You’re ok,” he said feeling my body go taunt, “I’m just going to make you feel
good. Can you put your butt in the air for me baby?” He said kissing the top of
my tail bone right above my ass crack.

“Are you going to make me?” I asked him.

“You know I don’t like fighting. Do it before I get angry. I’m not going to
hurt you I promise. I’m just going to make you feel good ok?” He said.

I sighed and got on my knees and elbows on the bed swallowing trying to keep
myself calm as his hands grabbed my hips shifting me and he licked down my
spine making me gasps when his tongue hit my hole circling it, making me moan
as my body started to become aroused. He rimmed me his tongue dipping in and
out and then his hand reached under me grabbing me starting to give me a reach
around making me bite the pillow I was hugging trying to keep myself silent.

He made me climax. Licking it off his hand as he got up, “You taste so sweet
baby,” he said making a show of it as I tried to ignore it.

“Are we done?” I asked him.

“Hey!” he said angrily, “I just made you feel good. I didn’t go inside you. I
didn’t make you get me off too and that’s how you thank me by asking if we’re
done? You’re lucky I don’t fucking fist you right now.”

“I’m sorry,” I answered, “Thank you for making me feel good. I’m just tired.”

“Ok, we’ll go to sleep. I forgive you baby,” Leo said turning off the light and
spooning with me, “I love you. I just wanted you to feel good ok baby?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head in the dark. Then because I knew he wanted to hear
it; that it would probably make him leave me alone just like it did my Da, “I
love you too.”

I did end up falling asleep but woke up in the middle of the night several
times to throw up my body on over drive. But Leo never woke up. He didn’t wake
up until the alarm went off telling us it was time I got ready for school. He
didn’t ask me to tell him anything about what had happened between Dick and I
or to recall anything from Saturday and he didn’t wait to watch me walk towards
the school before he drove away. I walked over to our spot finding Dom, Tosh
and Pat and Cole already there along with Alec which confused me.

“What the fuck?” I asked looking at Alec.

“John listen to me, I only hang out with him so he doesn’t do shit to me. He
forces me to hang out with him otherwise he would treat me the same way he
treats Dom,” Alec said, “I don’t like him. I have to hang out with him to
protect my ass because I don’t want to get fucked all right? I think he’s sick.
I think they are all sick.”

“I don’t fucking care!” I practically screamed, “You have no idea what I went
through! I don’t give a fuck! What exactly you think you’re sorry for I don’t
care. I don’t want to see your face. Not if you hang out with them. You don’t
know what they did.”

“So, then Dick did do something?” Dom asked me quietly as Cole and Tosh stared
at me mouths open.

“I don’t care that you feel sorry for me Alec. I honestly don’t care as long as
you hang out with them I don’t want you near me.” I hissed.

“You think I want to hear about the stuff they tell me? They brag John! I don’t
want to hear about that. I don’t want to hear about how you screamed. I don’t
want to hear about how you squirmed and begged them to stop. Just like I didn’t
want to hear about how Chad and Dom shared their first kiss. Or how Chad was
going to get into his pants one way or another and when Dom took too long you
know what Chad did? He held him down. I was fucking 12 when I heard about that
ok? And I was being raped by my Dad every night. I had to listen to Chad tell
me how good it felt to make someone bleed to hear them yell and then told he
would do the same to me if I didn’t hang around if I didn’t keep his secrets.
You think my life with them is easy? You think I wanted to know…” Alec quit
talking.

“Wanted to know what?” I spat.

“I’m not going to say that in front of everyone ok?” Alec said, “You can’t make
me say that in front of everyone. You might be mad at me for hanging out with
them but I won’t do that to you.”

“Do what?” Dom asked.

“They’re going to know soon enough. It’s on fucking camera. At least I think it
is,” I said starting to calm down.

“The fuck?” Cole barely managed to utter his eyes wide in shock, “Ok what are
you two talking about?”

“Dick said him and John made a movie together,” Alec answered them, “And Dom
well, I’m not sure if it’s my place to be saying any of this.”

“I dated Chad ok? He was 14 I was 11. I was just kind of looking for someone
who was nice to me and he was until I wouldn’t let him…that’s why I don’t have
sex anymore. Like I know you guys use it to get the feeling of them off your
skin. I get the appeal, I do but I’ve had too many people push me after I
thought I could trust them,” Dom answered, “He’s one of them. I shouldn’t have
been messing around with him anyway so I probably deserved it but I felt stupid
and he constantly wants to…sometimes he forces me to.”

“Fuck no! You didn’t deserve that for trusting him ok? Nothing gives anyone the
right to do that to you ever guys come on!” Pat said, “We don’t deserve this
all right? Nothing we can do is bad enough to deserve this. Both you and John
need to realize that we didn’t do anything. Not a damn thing and they are sick
ok? They are nasty people that we should all just try and stay away from as
much as possible.”

“Did you know Alec?” Cole asked looking at Alec shaking his head, “Know that he
makes Dom?”

“I mean I’ve never…I’m not into that but he brags about it sometimes,” Alec
answered, “You know I’m not ok with it right Dom?”

“I know,” Dom answered nodding his head.

“Are you mad at me for not stopping him?” Alec asked.

“No,” Dom said, “I …can we not talk about this?” He asked, “So John, Dick made
you have sex with him?”

I felt my face heat up. I didn’t want people to know about that. I didn’t want
to talk about it especially in front of everyone.

“Dom, you know how he is. Don’t ask him that please,” Pat said frowning.

Dom sighed, “Sorry John, just you know what…I’m sorry.”

I nodded my head not looking him in the eyes. How many people knew? How many
people had Dick told even though he had told me if I said anything he would
kill me? I felt sick to my stomach.

“Come on Rabbit, ok?” Pat said grabbing my hand and squeezing, “Let’s go.”

“Go where?” Cole asked.

“Cole he’s been having a very hard time lately ok?” Pat said, “I’m going to
take him away for a little bit all right? Please don’t be mad and don’t tell.
And no, you guys can’t come, not this time all right?”

“I get it,” Cole said, “You can talk to me if you need to anytime John. You
know that, right?”

“I know I just, it’s hard,” I answered, “I know you guys care about me I just…I
don’t like talking about it because it’s not going anywhere. It’s all that I am
you guys understand that, right?”

“No John that’s not all that you are,” Cole said, “You’re funny and smart and
you’re a little shy sometimes but you can make the best jokes. Even if we’re
all perverts because of what we go through. You’re just awesome to hang out
with. We understand how badly it hurts. We get how you feel but that’s not all
you are. Just like everyone else, we’re all something different. Something
more.”

“I don’t feel like anything more. Half the time all I feel is numb, dead. Or I
feel them and I’d rather not,” I answered.

“Ok, Rabbit, let’s go,” Pat said pulling on my arm, “before the bell rings all
right?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

“Maybe you just need time away from them. You’re surrounded by them all the
time. I mean even Pat and I get time away from them but you. You’re like
trapped with one of them almost every second even at school,” Cole said, “Go
hang out all right?”

“Ok,” Pat said, “Come on Rabbit.”

“Thank you,” I said looking at all of them, “I’m sorry Alec I just, yesterday
was hard for me.”

“I understand. I forgive you and I’m sorry,” Alec said.

Pat and I waited and then quickly darted away before the bell rang running
along the back of the building and into the woods, past the baseball field and
onto the walking trail. We walked for about 20 minutes holding hands the whole
way before the house came into the view. The bird watching station that was up
high and you needed to climb a ladder to get into he pulled my hand to his lips
kissing it, giving it a tiny peck.

“You go first I’m right behind you,” he said nodding his head telling me to
climb up. I did and he was right behind me. Waiting until I was far enough up
before he got on the ladder himself and when we got through the door he hugged
me, “Are you ok?”
“Just tired lately,” I answered nodding my head, “Really tired. I have trouble
sleeping at Leo’s he…I have to share a bed with him and sometimes he holds me.
It makes it harder to sleep. Harder to relax.”

“Rabbit, you never relax. I mean at Leo’s you have Leo and sometimes Dick to
worry about apparently and at home you have your Dad and Uncle Ben. At school
you have our teachers. You never get to relax. That’s why I brought you here in
hopes you’ll be able to get some sleep.” Pat told me.

“You brought me here to sleep?” I asked as he rubbed my back.

“Yeah, just me and you. I’ll hold you and talk to you until you fall asleep and
then maybe you’ll be able to get a couple of hours and you’ll feel a little
better ok?” Pat said kissing my forehead gently.

“How do you know I need more sleep?” I asked.

“Well, if I couldn’t escape like when I was little, if I had no room to just
relax and be an idiot with Cole and Tosh; and Dom when he wants to come I’d go
crazy. I’d be beyond tightly wound and right now that’s you. Between having
your weekends taken from you and at least two teachers at school that have a
thing for you. You don’t have any room to chill. I know when you go over to
Leo’s you don’t get away from him. I have never been with Leo and don’t ever
plan to be with Leo but I’m assuming he’s very much like your Da. Who is
someone I have been with one on one before and he’s not a nice guy. He fucks
with your head so your head, your whole being has to be beyond exhausted. So
yeah, we came here so you could take a break. Just me and you,” he said pulling
off his blazer vest and dress shirt laying them down on the floor and then
patting them as he sat down beside them.

“Come on, lay down,” he said.

I sighed. He was right I was beyond tired. I never had a chance to talk to
anyone besides in places where I didn’t feel safe so I never really relaxed. My
room didn’t even feel like my own room anymore because Da had changed
everything about it while I was in the hospital. I just wanted to feel safe. I
pulled off my clothes so I was in just my undershirt and trousers and laid on
top of the clothing pile we had made resting my face against the warm but thin
fabric of his undershirt as he wrapped his arm around me rubbing my shoulder.

“You’re safe ok? Just close your eyes,” he said and I kissed his hand nodding
my head. I tried to relax into him, trying to let myself feel safe for the
first time since I had gotten out of the hospital. I closed my eyes and he
started whispering still rubbing my shoulders. At first, I thought he was
talking but then he cleared his throat and I heard him singing a song I didn’t
know.

“I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready,
I am fine…”

I curled into him listening to his soft croon. He was a really good singer and
it always calmed me down. That’s probably the reason why when he felt like he
couldn’t get me to settle in he used to hum or whistle or whisper a song in my
ear. But rarely did he sing loud enough for anyone but me to hear him. However,
this was one of the moments where he was singing for me and we were alone. I
remember slowly relaxing as Pat sang quietly several different songs one being
Journey don’t stop believing and a couple from queen along with some new ones I
didn’t know that well like Savage Garden and Tool.

After a while I did fall asleep. I don’t know how long it was that I slept but
I remember dreaming of the beach. Of sitting on the shoreline in the surf
watching the waves. I remember feeling the water lapping against my feet and
jeans looking over and seeing him standing there. He was smiling laughing and
then he grabbed my hands and pulled me up and we started running. Suddenly the
sky growing dark a storm starting to pull in as we ran and then I woke up for
some reason. Maybe Pat moved in his sleep or I heard something but I opened my
eyes and sat up stretching.

“Hey, Rabbit,” Pat said smiling, “You get some real sleep?”

I nodded my head, “Yeah. I still feel tired though.”

“I’m sure you are. Are you feeling a little better though?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head snuggling against him before climbing on top of
him, “A lot better. Thank you.”

“Really?” He asked me.

“Yes,” I said kissing his lips making his eyes go wide in surprise, “What?

“Just wasn’t expecting that and we shouldn’t. You know we shouldn’t,” he
answered.

“Is it wrong that I want to?” I asked him, “That I want to touch you?”

“No, it’s not wrong. I would love to have you touch me but, we’re both
contracted so that means no touching,” he said holding me by the waist.

“But I want to. I want to feel you against my skin. I don’t want…I don’t like
Leo,” I said.

“I know Rabbit. Trust me I get it I do but, we shouldn’t. We get caught we’re
going to end up dead. I don’t want you dead. Not ever,” he said quietly.

“Please Babe? Just once. I’d rather be dead then have him…I don’t want to do
that again,” I said closing my eyes trying to keep myself calm.

“Ok Rabbit, but we can’t. There are so many things that if we live we can do to
make sure this stops, that they stop. Don’t you want to stop them?” Pat asked
me.

“Yeah,” I answered, “Your Dad wants to rape Mac.”

Pat sighed looking at me running a hand through his black hair that went down
past his ears. He looked at me sadly, “I know he does. But we can keep that
from happening if we stay alive because he won’t do it anytime soon. Even my
Dad thinks he’s too little ok? If we can stay alive. If we are good and don’t
get caught doing this, we can probably keep him safe. At least for longer if we
don’t die. No matter how badly I want to do things with you right now we can’t,
we shouldn’t.

“Can we make out just little bit?” I asked him.

He smiled at me widely, “Maybe just a little. If you’re ok with it.”

“Of course, I’m ok with it. Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked.

“Because I know there are things you aren’t ok with. And sometimes Rabbit,” Pat
sighed, “Sometimes you don’t want to be touched at all. So, before I touch you
I want to make sure you’re ok with it because I never want to hurt you. Not
ever.”

“I’m ok with it. I just don’t like it when…I just get nervous thinking about
it. About you going…” I stammered feeling my face go red.

“I would never do that unless you told me it was ok. Unless you made it 1000%
clear you wanted me to. I know you like doing that to me but I know it’s
something they like doing. Especially to you which I don’t really understand
but…I could never knowingly make you do something like that ok? Never. You
remember that time?”

“Yeah. You refused to so they grabbed you and they did it instead?” I asked.

“Yeah, I could never do that to you. Not ever,” Pat said.

“You know why they like to…do that?” I asked, “It’s because they say I…I’m
sweet. That I taste…,” I felt my breath catch in my throat.

“Rabbit, it’s ok. You’re safe right now. You don’t have to think about any of
that all right? None of that,” Pat said as I closed my eyes and he leaned
forward pressing a peck against my collar bone, “You’re safe. They aren’t here
and I don’t care what they say. I will never do anything like that without
permission, not ever. They could never force me to do that. I would rather get
my arm chopped off then hurt you like that ok?”

“I believe you,” I said before leaning forward kissing him.

He allowed my tongue in his mouth gliding over his bottom lip as we kissed. He
moaned into my mouth as his hands wandered under my wife beater his hands
against my skin warming me, making me feel safe and my heart flutter in a good
way. Before I realized it, we had rolled. Me allowing him to straddle me
instead, his lips moving to my neck his hands brushing up and down the bare
skin of my back.

It felt so good. So, warm and safe. My body relaxing under his touch, feeling
good and happy. We just kissed like that for a while. Him settling between my
legs on his knees kissing me and me kissing back. My hands wandered his skin
until we broke apart breathless knowing that if we didn’t stop we would go
farther. Do things that we shouldn’t do, that we couldn’t do without risking
our lives.

He broke apart from me sitting next to me sighing happily. His whole body
relaxed as he put his arm back around my shoulder. I loved the way he smelt,
the way I could still feel his fingers on my skin even though he was barely
touching me now. How happy he made me, how safe and special. After a minute Pat
sighed checking his watch.

“It’s nearly 2. We have to walk back so we can catch the bus,” he told me, “Are
you going to be ok with that?”

“With what? Dealing with Dick? Listening to him tell you what…as ready as I’ll
ever be,” I answered.

“He says anything and I will break his fucking jaw,” Pat warned me, “I don’t
want to hear what he has to say about it. You didn’t want it. I don’t care if
you moaned or gasped or whatever. I know you didn’t want it.”

“He had this one guy chain up one of my arms. He let me scream and tell him no,
fight him. It wasn’t fair because I couldn’t really push him off of me, push
him back. He wasn’t very nice. He said he would be but he wasn’t. They never
are.” I told him, “He made me kiss him.”

Pat sighed, “I’m sorry Rabbit. I’m really sorry. You know it’s not your fault,
right? That you didn’t ask for it.”

“I just, I feel like I didn’t try hard enough. I even pleaded with Tony to let
me go, to not let Dick do that. But I couldn’t fight back hard enough. I even
tried to scratch him and it didn’t work. He … I don’t want to talk about it
anymore,” I said wrapping my arms around myself noticing I was shaking.

“It’s not your fault. You tried. You did everything you could ok? Dick is older
than we are. He’s stronger and he had someone tie you up to make it that much
easier to do things to you. I know you didn’t want to and that you never would,
just like with all of them. I know you especially didn’t want it taped.” Pat
said hugging me again.

“Yeah, I hate that they tape me. They share it on a website you know? So,
everyone can see it. That’s how Leo found me. That’s why he wanted me. He told
me that himself,” I confided in Pat.

“That must be horrible, knowing that other people get to see it all the time,”
Pat said, “I mean I knew about the website. I know I have videos on it too but,
it’s still scary to think that so many of them like watching you, like hurting
you.”

“I just want to be able to get away from them for a while,” I said, “Thank you
for taking me away even if it was only for a little bit.”

“You don’t have to thank me Rabbit I love you,” Pat told me hugging me tightly
before letting me go and standing up, “Come on we have to go, all right?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as Pat kissed me quickly and then started down the
ladder.

It didn’t take us long to get back and we made it just as everyone was filing
out to the buses and we climbed on. Cole, Tosh and Dom already there who waved
us over to our seat, “So did you guys have a good day?” Cole asked us quietly.

“Yeah, it was fun,” Pat said smiling.

“Wait did you two…?” Dom asked looking at us.

“No,” Pat said, “That would end with us dead so no. He napped and I did school
reading but it was a nice break.”

“You sure? Because John looks rather pleased. Like he’s feeling a lot better,”
Cole said smiling.

“Yeah that’s because I got some sleep you jackass,” I said laughing.

“Oh, he is feeling better,” Dom said, “I’m sure you got lots of sleep.”

“No for real!” I scoffed, “Sleep doesn’t always mean having someone’s hand on
your dick you know?”

“Yeah, I’m just messing with you,” Dom said shaking his head as his face fell
and I felt someone slide into the seat in front of Pat and I causing us both to
turn around.

“Hi,” Dick said, “You want to hear what I did this weekend Pat?

“You say anything and I will kick your ass,” Pat hissed.

“Really? I’d like to see that speaking of ass John here has a really ni…” Pat
punched Dick hard against the side of his face.

“HEY! YOU HERE NOW!” The bus driver hissed at Pat and Pat sighed and rolled his
eyes.

“Hopefully I’ll be back,” Pat said getting up and leaving me there.

“Hey, come sit by me,” Dom said motioning for me to cross over to the other
side of the bus and sit next to him.

“No, you want to sit with me don’t you John? Or do you want everyone to know
how sw…”

I slammed my hands over my ears not wanting to hear him say that to them. Not
wanting them to know. I felt sick to my stomach. I hated people knowing things
about my body, things I couldn’t control.

I heard someone shout over my hands and looked up all three of them looking at
Dick angry and I sighed taking my hands off of my ears so I could hear what
they were saying.

“You’re some type of freak you know that?” Tosh hissed as Dom climbed into the
seat next to me.

“You’re ok, come on. Come sit with me,” Dom said grabbing my hand pulling me
across the aisle and into the seat next to him, “We’re all ignoring him ok? You
need to try to ignore him too.”

“How, when he just told everyone?” I said feeling like I could barely breathe.

“He just said you were sweet John, he didn’t get detailed,” Dom said.

“Yeah, but you all know what he meant,” I said.

“Only because it’s something some of us have over heard them talk about ok?”
Dom said, “Just try and ignore him. Look here comes Pat.”

I looked up and Pat was walking back towards us, “Dick I’m sorry I hit you in
the face,” he said loud enough for the bus driver to hear and then added
quietly, “No matter how much you deserve it for being a sick fuck just like
your Dad.”

“Yeah,” Dick said smiling.

The rest of the week happened without incident. My Da didn’t ask to share my
bed and by Wednesday Will was ready to go back to school. I helped everyone
with homework and spent a lot of time playing with the babies. The weekend was
the same as the weekend before besides there was no Villa party just Leo doing
the things Leo did to me.

Pat had been right my lack of sleep, being unable to relax enough to get real
sleep was affecting me more than I was aware of. I was constantly tense afraid,
scared and angry. I didn’t want to talk about anything and when I did talk it
wasn’t to say anything important to get anything off my chest. Before I knew
it, everything had become routine and it was past Halloween. Andy and Laura’s
third birthday approaching fast only being two days away. I was tired after
having gone to Mass falling asleep in the car on the way back to Leo’s house
when his hand started sliding up my thigh startling me awake.

“You’re all right baby,” he said continuing to pet my leg, “Just wanted to wake
you up before we got home. You can nap later all right?”

I nodded my head, “Ok. Are you going to make me…?” I trailed off looking at
him.

“Well, I’m not sure but I wanted to spend some time with you. You’ve been
working on a big paper and I thought I’d been giving you some space,” he said
to me.

“You have I just…I thought you had paperwork to do,” I asked.

“I thought I would but I finished it all last night after you went to sleep,”
he told me.

“Oh,” I answered, “You’re not going to get out the rods, are you?”

He had been using them regularly for a while and I still disliked them. The
intense orgasms they caused ripping through my body like a shark tearing
through the flesh of its prey. I hated it. I also hated him on top of me, but
at least when he was inside me I could mostly ignore him until he started
hitting against my prostate but when he used those rods ignoring him was
impossible.

“You look nervous. Did you not enjoy playtime yesterday? Because you acted like
you did,” he said moving his hand from my thigh to my neck and shoulder
rubbing, caressing. He pulled into the garage allowing it to close behind us
before he nodded at me telling me I could get out. We followed routine and he
made me strip at the door.

“God you’re perfect,” he said saying those words that meant he wanted me naked.
That he wanted to do things to me.

“Leo,” I breathed, “Please just not right now.”

“No, fighting baby,” he said as he made sure I stripped down to my boxers his
hands going to my butt as he buried his face in my neck biting and kissing.

“Leo. Please I don’t want to. I’m tired I need to nap,” I barely managed to get
out as he picked me up by the ass shoving his tongue in my mouth as he carried
me to bed yanking off my boxers, “No.”

“You can tell me no all you like baby just don’t fight back ok?” He said
straddling me biting into the front of my shoulder lightly as he pushed my arms
up above my head.

“Leo please. I don’t want to have sex right now,” I begged as he stood up
starting to undress.

“But I do so we’re going to. Or I can break out the rods. I was going to be
nice and not use them but I can use them if you’re bad you understand?” He
said.

I gulped and nodded my head spreading my legs as I laid there. I didn’t want to
but I didn’t want the rods. I wanted the rods about as much as I wanted a fork
to the eye.

“Yeah? Good boy,” he said climbing on top of me his wet fingers going inside of
me. I didn’t say anything and closed my eyes as he did it. He climbed on top of
me pushing inside of me kissing me, making me want to scream, “God yes, oh god
you feel amazing…” He kept muttering against my skin pushing our bodies
together pushing us closer to his goal of making us orgasm.

When we both reached climax, he climbed off of me leaving me exhausted. I was
tired of it but I had gotten used to it. Having sex with Leo. I hated the
sounding but, if he wasn’t going to sound me I could deal with it. I could
spread my legs and let him use me, I could even let him suck me off if it meant
he wasn’t going to sound me.

“You’re beautiful,” he said to me as I tried to roll away but he grabbed me
making me stay put. Making me freeze and I knew he was going to blow me.

“I don’t like it,” I said letting him know how I felt.

“I know baby but you taste so good. I need to taste you ok? Think of it like
you’re giving me life all right? That without it I’ll die. You don’t want me to
die, do you?” He asked me.

I sighed, “If I let you, you won’t sound me?” I asked.

“I swear,” Leo promised me.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

“Good boy,” he said.

He started kissing down my body and I turned away careful to keep my hands at
my sides as I felt his hands on my hips. My skin was prickling as I tried to
ignore him. As I tried to ignore the feel of his tongue on my skin as it
traveled lower and lower down my chest and stomach. My heart racing my eyes
going wide as his tongue slid over my head.

“Yeah?” he asked his lips still touching my penis as he did so. I didn’t look
at him I refused to look at him.

He kept going my face starting to burn as my body started to react the way he
wanted it to. I didn’t want this to happen but if I stayed calm, if I let him
he wouldn’t use the rods. My eyes went wide my whole-body shuddering as I
started to pant trying to keep quiet.

“Ok that’s enough,” I said finally finding my voice.

“You didn’t give me my life yet though,” he said before taking his tongue and
licking up the underside of my shaft making me whimper.

I remember it hurting not physically but emotionally just like it always did.
As my whole body came for him and he sucked moaning happily as he did so. When
he was done he laid beside me and when I went to turn my head again he grabbed
my face, “No look at me, look at me beautiful. You saved my life, thank you,”
he said before he forced a kiss on me.

He raped me again. Making me look at him as he did it. Making it almost
impossible for me to blank out the feeling of being uncomfortably full making
my intestines hurt.

“Stop you’re hurting,” I warned as he hit something wrong up inside of me.

“Just relax beautiful and it’ll feel good. You’re too tense,” he said rolling
his hips.

“You’re burning, it’s hurts,” I said again as this harsh string ripped through
my body as he hit something the wrong way again, “You’re hurting. I’m fucking
serious. You’re hurting!” I screamed at him causing him to stop and pull out.

“Are you serious?” He asked me looking at the tears in my eyes closely as I
tried to breathe and I nodded my head, “Can you tell me how it was hurting?”

“Burning,” I answered, “I don’t know what it was but that didn’t feel right.”

“Ok,” Leo said, “I think I might know what it was, can we try again baby?” He
asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said pulling my knees into my chest even though I was naked
and exposed and was used to him seeing me naked just about all the time.

“Please baby. I really didn’t mean to hurt you ok? I swear, I just thought
there was enough lube and there wasn’t that’s all it was. I’m sure, just let me
go again. You want me to feel good too don’t’ you?” He said touching my knee. I
felt like I was done. My ass still burning.

“Please no,” I said shaking my head.

“Now, now I need help feeling good so you’re going to help me. I know I hurt
you and I’m sorry. I’ll make you feel really good again after I’m done. You can
give me more of that sweet juice. That life-giving juice huh?” He said.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Please Leo? Not right now.”

“Yes, now,” he said nodding his head as he took the bottle of lube and squirt a
generous amount of it on himself and then put more on his fingers making sure I
was nice and slick.

“Leo please,” I said again being very careful that I didn’t push him away, that
I didn’t fight back. He started to push inside of me this time the burning not
there, “Leo stop please.” I said again as he smiled down at me and pulled back
out rolling his hips pushing up inside of me again.

“STOP! PLEASE GOD STOP!” I screamed fisting the sheets as he hit that spot hard
making my eyes roll as I started to cum under him breathless.

It was like the time in the SUV where he kept going. Making me orgasm over and
over and over again until I could no longer scream or move. Until I couldn’t do
anything but lay there and pant. He kept making me cum until it burned to
climax. He used his mouth, his fingers, his penis, everything he could to get
me to respond until I no longer could. When he was done he lowered me into the
bath the water.

“Let me wash you. You are an amazing, beautiful perfect boy,” he said grabbing
the loofa and putting soap on it rubbing it on my back, “God you’re perfect but
you’re covered in sweat. You must be tired huh?”

“Please,” I said not pushing him away not moving.

“Please what?” He asked, “You want more? Because I thought you were done. You
were so close to passing out. I mean you couldn’t even walk to the bathtub
baby. You sure you want more?”

“NO! NO NO NO NO,” I said shaking my head furiously.

“Ok, relax baby I was just kidding. I can tell you’ve had enough so I’m going
to wash you and then we’re going to go to sleep ok? If you’re too tired I’ll
keep you home with me tomorrow. I’ll just call your Dad and let him know and
then I’ll drop you off at school on Tuesday.”

“Why not just take me home Monday?” I asked.

“Because I might want to keep you a little longer, take you to the park. I have
a friend I’ve been talking to. You might know him. He said you’ve been talking
to him too,” he said to me.

“I don’t know anyone you know. The only people I really talk to is you or my
teachers or my friends,” I answered confused.

“Really? Because Allan says he knows you. He said that he’s talked to you about
some stuff, mostly music. You might know him as Rocket,” he said making my eyes
go wide.

I had been talking to him online, as RocketLauncher27. I had told him about the
music I listened to and where I go to school but I hadn’t talked about much
else with him. He had asked me things that probably should have tipped me off
at the time. Like how I enjoyed my friend’s house and why I was there every
weekend. What I was doing there. I had been vague. Careful to try and not give
anything away.

“He’s seen you. He thinks you’re amazing too. He said he might want to have
some play time with us,” he said smiling.

“You’d make me?” I asked quietly feeling like I’d been betrayed.

“He’s coming here all the way from California just to see you. To play with you
baby. Isn’t that special?” He asked me.

“Does my Da know?” I asked him.

“Well, see that’s kind of like our second time. It’ll be our secret all right?”
Leo said to me taking one of my arms gently and rubbing it with the loofa.

“Is he going to hurt me?” I asked him.

“Not if you’re good,” he answered, “Allan likes sounding but he likes other
things too.”

“Other things?” I asked scared to know what his answer would be.

“Doubles, swings, making movies, that sort of stuff,” he said rubbing the loofa
on my chest before dropping it in the water using his bare hand running them
over my skin repeatedly, “You’re skins so soft, even the scars like this one…”
he said running his hand over the round scar that Hank had left under my left
nipple, “This is from Hank, isn’t it?”

I nodded my head.

“Want to tell me about how it happened?” He asked me looking at me closely.

“It was after…it was a weekend. My parents went away for new years with Mr.
Lord to New York and Hank and Pat came over. They made me do things. My uncle
and Hank made a video of us together, Pat and I and they said they wanted him
to…go down and I couldn’t let him. I tried but, that’s something I…I don’t
know. So, then Hank did it instead at some point he bit me.” I answered.

“When was the first time someone went down on you?” He asked me.

“Why do you do this?” I asked.

“Do what baby?” He asked me continuing to rub my chest with his bare hand.

“Make me tell you about it,” I answered, “I don’t like doing it.”

“That’s exactly why I want you to tell me about things. The more you talk about
them the less they’ll bother you,” he answered simply, “If something doesn’t
bother you it’s easy to be able to talk about it with anyone at any time. I’m
teaching you. Making you better, tougher. You understand, right?”

I nodded my head, “So I’m not going to school tomorrow?” I asked still confused
about it.

“We’ll see,” he said looking at me, “I have the day off for once so it would be
nice to have an extra day with you. You’ve been really nice lately but it seems
like your mind is somewhere else when we’re together.”

“Well, my siblings are turning 3 in two days so…my mind is there. I have a
science test coming up and I can either take it and get a somewhat good grade,
take it and let him…I honestly hate that to be honest, or I can go to his house
after school and I’m not doing that so there’s that. There’s a school combined
dance coming up so I should find a date but I haven’t really had a chance to
hang out with anyone outside of school. You know, because of different things.
So yes, I have a lot on my mind.” I answered.
“So just stress?” He asked me as he picked the loofa back up and finished
washing me off, “Come on baby. Let’s get you back to bed since you’re nice and
clean now. Maybe you can nurse me to sleep huh?”

“What?” I asked.

“Let me suck you until I fall asleep. It’ll feel nice,” Leo answered as he
helped me stand up.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Last time someone did that I had a huge bruise
for like 3 or four days so please don’t.”

“I know you’re tired but trust me. It’ll feel really good,” he said again.

“No. Leo please. I’m begging you don’t make me. Please I’m tired I just want to
sleep,” I said as he toweled dried me off his hand lingering on my crotch
making me feel frozen.

“God if I didn’t have this messed up knee,” he muttered to himself, “Ok. all
right, I’ll let you sleep since tomorrow will probably be a busy day for you.
Allan is younger than I am. Then a lot of the guys you spent time with probably
are.”

“Like Neal?” I asked remembering Neal. How he could go for hours and he
wouldn’t give me a break. How my whole body would hurt after he was done.

“Neal the orderly? Yeah, they are around the same age. He apparently saw the
video you made at the Villa. Allan did. He found it very attractive. He said he
wants to play hard,” Leo told me.

“How hard is hard?” I asked not sure what he meant.

“Don’t worry about it,” Leo said helping me out of the tub.

We walked back to the bedroom and then I laid down on the bed. He turned off
the lights and got in beside me it being sometime around 11 at night. I ended
up falling asleep out of pure exhaustion. When I woke the next morning, Leo was
on the phone with my Da. I knew it was him because of the way Leo was
whispering about me quietly.

“Yeah no, it’s just a friend. You know they’ve been getting out of control all
of them all of their sneaking around it’s just a message. I won’t be doing it
but I’ll be there to make sure nothing gets out of hand. Yeah so, I’ll keep him
until tomorrow unless I need to call Vic for some reason. Ok, yep I understand.
Thank you,” Leo said hanging up the phone.

“Ok beautiful, time to wake up. We have to get you ready to play,” he said
starting to kiss on my neck.

I moaned trying to roll over as he grabbed my arm to keep me from turning away.
I didn’t want to do this. The least he could do if I was his captive was let me
sleep a little longer. He lifted up my arm kissing my armpit tickling the hair
there…. I sighed realizing what he meant. I tried to avoid looking at my body,
feeling my body but, I was getting older that was for sure.

“I’m not a girl. There’s barely anything there you realize, right?” I moaned
opening my eyes finally looking at him.

“Still, I mean I obviously don’t mind you realize but…Allan likes guys a little
hairless so…” He said pinching my armpit.

“I don’t want to shave,” I moaned.

“Well think of it this way at least you don’t need to be waxed,” he said his
hand trailing down my stomach causing my eyes to go wide, “No hair down there
yet…just so you know you’re dick looks bigger when you’re shaved or waxed and
girls like it so you should shave even after we’re done teaching you.”

“You mean when I’m a grown man? No thanks. I don’t think I’ll ever shave after
I get my own life,” I answered.

“Well come on. Get up and shower and shave yourself or I’ll do it for you,” Leo
said kissing my quickly on the lips.

“Fine,” I said getting up and going into the bathroom.

I took as long in the shower as I could knowing that when I got out I would
probably be stuck naked in the bed anyway. When I came out there was the smell
of bacon cooking out in the kitchen and I came out walking into the kitchen to
find Leo wearing a t shirt and jeans which he never wore I might add making me
give him an odd look.

“Come on, sit we’ll get some food in you,” he said pointing his spatula at the
kitchen table.

“Real breakfast?” I asked sitting down.

“Yes,” he said, “Bacon, eggs, toast. Is that ok?”

“Yeah, it’s good,” I said nodding my head, “Why are you being nice to me?”

“I thought I was usually nice to you,” Leo told me.

“Well, yeah but this is like super nice,” I answered.

It was true. When he wasn’t raping me, he wasn’t exactly a bad person. He
didn’t tell me I was shit or anything and he didn’t beat me like my uncle or
mostly ignore me like my Da. He actually talked to me and asked me about my day
and how my friends were. Like he wanted to know things about me. I actually
found it horribly confusing that he wanted to know things about me besides how
much I weighed and how long my dick was. Especially because when he got me in
the bedroom he liked to have me beg him, plead with him to stop.

“I just want you to have energy for Allan,” he said putting a plate in front of
me.

I didn’t feel hungry suddenly. I thought about all of the stuff he had made me
do to get ready for Allan. About whether this guy was in the brotherhood or
not. I was scared because I didn’t know who he was even though I had told him a
lot about myself.
“Just eat. Don’t think about it ok?” He said rubbing my head, “You can watch
some TV until he gets here. I’m going to go do some paperwork and what not ok?”

“All right,” I said nodding my head trying to concentrate on eating. I managed
to eat my bacon and some of my toast along with most of my eggs before I heard
a knock on the door making me jump.

“You’re all right baby. You’ll have fun,” he told me.
***** Chapter 29 *****
Chapter Summary
     John meets Allan up close and things don't go so well. John learns
     more about what's been going on at home in his absence and he's
     ordered on bed rest after his punishment for skipping classes (this
     is like two weeks after the first time him and Pat skipped so he's
     skipped two more Mondays. That's why the punishment is so...anyway).
     He tries to go to school to get away from the house from his biggest
     threat and he give Matt a warning.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 550 to 572 Warnings: Rape/non-con, physical violence, emotional
     abuse, sexual abuse, mental health issues, family isssues, bullying I
     know I'm updating a lot I go back to school Monday and there are a
     lot of things already written. It just feels like it's taking me
     forever to get what's already done posted so I'm kind of pushing it a
     little bit so I can focus on school work again. Only 564 more pages
     to go until you are done reading part two.
I really doubted anything that happened would be fun. He walked down the stairs
and opened the door that wasn’t inside the garage. They walked up the stairs
and there was a guy there not as young as Dick and Chad but closer to my Uncles
age. His blue eyes seeming almost normal. . Nothing would have seemed off about
him if I had met him in a park or other public place at least not until he
looked at me. Something about his eyes changing as he saw my naked chest.

“Hey John,” he said sounding casual, “What’s up?”

I shook my head, “Nothing. What about you Rocket?” I asked.

“You can call me Allan,” he said coming towards me and pulling out the chair on
the other side of the table, “You showered for me?”

“Yeah, he’s showered and shaved,” Leo answered for me, “Now you said this was
just for you right? No streaming no cameras?”

“Right,” Allan said nodding his head his eyes not leaving me, “He’s even more
handsome in person.”

“Yeah, he’s attractive all right,” Leo answered, “Now my rules condoms of
course. If you get loud or you think it’s going to you need to let me know so I
can make sure I don’t take any calls. I have some stuff I have to work on in
the office. You can use the bedroom. Nothing permanent or that’s really going
to hurt him all right?”

“Yeah, I got it,” Allan said licking his bottom lip, “You ready John?”

“I don’t…,” I said quietly.

“You don’t want to?” Allan said looking at me as he sighed and ran a hand
through his hair, “Look you can do it with me and I can be nice or you can
fight me. I like a fight sometimes. I came here ready for one just in case.
Because while you’re a sweet boy you’ve been kind of off lately and I’m just
wondering why.”

“You’re asking weirder and weirder stuff,” I answered, “Like asking me about my
old girlfriend, asking me if we ever…”

“Had sex? You’re 13. It’s not crazy to think you and Heather had sex,” he
answered simply, “I mean it’s good to have some experiences with people your
own age. I mean I know Rich isn’t exactly your age but he’s close. That was a
hot video. Can you play with me like that?”

“Are you really going to make me?” I asked.

“Come on,” he said standing up and grabbing me hard by the elbow, “LEO WE’RE
GOING TO BE LOUD!” he shouted towards the office.

“ALL RIGHT HAVE FUN,” He said as I heard him get up and shut the office door.

“No,” I shook my head grabbing the top of his hand hard scratching at his
fingers as he clawed my arm digging his middle finger into the pressure point
in the crook of my elbow as he yanked me towards the bedroom. I decided to quit
fighting as he pulled on me instead trying to keep the towel around my waist.
Keep myself from being exposed to him as long as possible.

He pushed me hard into the bedroom. Making me fall onto the floor on my knees
my towel falling off in the process landing under me.

“That ass,” he said eyeing me as I heard the door lock and scrambled to my
feet.

I knew he was going to hurt me and not just like Leo hurt me but hurt me hurt
me. I backed up until I hit the wall behind me shaking my head.

“Come here,” he said undoing his pants and pulling off his shirt quickly
revealing the fact he wasn’t wearing underwear under his jeans as he started
walking towards me.

“No,” I answered shaking my head.

“You don’t want to say no again. Come here,” he said moving forward fast like a
snake grabbing me by the wrist yanking hard enough to throw me towards the bed
when he climbed on top of me.

“STOP!” I yelled his hands rough against my skin as he pulled at my legs to get
my legs open scratching hard drawing blood across my thigh, “STOP IT!” I
screamed again as he roughly shoved my hands up into the pillows pulling
handcuff out of nowhere and looping them through the iron headboard hand
cuffing me to it causing me to kick out using my only ability to fight, “NO
NO,” I screamed as he elbowed me in the rib cage before punching me in the face
causing my nose to start bleeding making me cough and sputter as I actually
snorted blood back down my nose into my throat.

“Nice,” he muttered biting into my neck making me scream out as he ripped my
thighs apart roughly so he settle in-between them.

He put a condom on and raped me. It hurt. It fucking hurt bad, almost as bad as
doubles. I don’t know what he did that hurt so badly but, I remember just
wishing he would stop. Not able to keep myself from screaming wishing that
everything would just stop. I didn’t know what I had done but, I knew this was
a punishment. That I had done something to piss Leo off and now I was paying
for it. I was really paying for it.

I screamed until he started choking me making me go quiet my whole body
burning. I don’t know how long he went, but I know I didn’t climax. When he was
done he made me kiss him and then he got up and dressed unlocking my hands from
the hand cuffs his very last act before he left the room shutting the door
behind him.

My body hurt. My wrists were raw and scratched from me pulling and yanking at
the cuffs trying to get free so I could fight, my legs were bruised. My neck, I
had several bite marks in different places that burned. I felt like I couldn’t
breathe dried blood caking my nostrils and face along with snot and tears. I
felt like my body wanted me to pass out but I couldn’t for some reason. I heard
the door move and jumped managing to whimper lightly as Leo came into the room.

“You think he ripped you?” He asked me looking at me as he came over to me
climbing into the bed next to me.

“I don’t know,” I answered, “Why?”

“Because he wasn’t supposed to rip you just rough you up. I didn’t want you
hurt too bad. I’m sure you understand the message,” he said to me.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, what have you been doing that you shouldn’t be?” Leo asked me, “Maybe
not going to school Monday when I drop you off. Maybe next time you’ll think
twice before you run off and skip classes? Your Dad and I discussed this
because you’re mine until you go home after school on Monday it was my
punishment to give and I told you I don’t use guys like Hank. I use guys like
Arthur and Barren. Hank is a bit of a biter yes but he hates screaming whereas
Allan, well I’m sure you can guess Allan loves it. So, think about it before
you do it again all right?”

He got up and walked away leaving me there barely able to even think about
moving. I had been skipping school to sleep in the bird station on Monday’s
with Pat. He had been cuddling with me while I slept because Mondays were hard.
Leo raped me on Sunday night making me share a bed with him so I barely got any
sleep on Sunday and then Monday my Da came to my room at night after everyone
else went to bed. So, I was literally just trying to get some sleep any type of
sleep without someone putting their hands where I didn’t want them. Pat didn’t
even do anything with me but make out with me sometimes and it took a lot of
talking to get him to even do that.

Pat loved me but he was worried about this, us getting into trouble and me
paying the price. I had begged him to be with me, to touch me, to let me touch
him and had kept saying no. Even when I cried for it he had kept saying no
because he loved me too much.

I probably spent the rest of the day in and out of consciousness still not able
to move, my body caked in blood from scratches and the bruises on my skin going
from red to blue and purple. At some point, I managed to move getting up and
using the bathroom finding it burned but that I wasn’t bleeding and I climbed
into the shower sitting there for the longest time just letting the warm water
rush over my body as I drifted in and out I was so tired, so sore. After I
decided I was done I somehow managed to stumble back into the bed falling back
to sleep. At some point Leo came back into the bedroom and started kissing on
my neck.

“I’m sorry baby,” he muttered against my skin causing me to wake up, “You can’t
be bad. You have to be my good boy all right?”

“No,” I said shaking my head slowly my whole face hurting as I moved my head.

“I’ll make you feel better,” he said starting to kiss down my neck causing me
to yelp as he hit a bruise on my chest with his lips.

“Leo please,” I somehow managed to say.

“Just a little bit,” he said kissing down my chest his tongue dipping into my
belly button causing me to jerk. Causing my whole body to have pain shoot from
my ribs into my neck. He blew me. Making sure I orgasmed making sure the pain
caused the pleasure to misfire making me want to scream. When he was done he
cleaned me off helping me up and put me in the back of his SUV.

At first, I thought he was going to kill me. That he was going to take me
somewhere to dump my body but when he woke me up my Da was standing with the
door open.

“Come here baby,” Da said grabbing me under the arm pits starting to pull me
from the SUV.

“It hurts,” was all I managed to say.

“I know baby, I’m sorry but you needed to understand ok baby? Vic is on his way
over,” My Da said, “He’ll give you something to make it feel better I promise
but you can’t be bad anymore ok?”

“I promise,” I moaned as he picked me up before I heard a noise.

“John?” I heard Pat say, “What happened? Mr. McGregor is he ok?”

“Yeah he’ll be all right. He’s just been misbehaving so he needed to be
punished,” My Da answered, “Come on baby let’s get you inside ok?”

“What did you do to him?” Pat hissed.

“Patrick don’t make me call your dad over here all right? Go home,” My Da
answered.

“He looks like he got jumped,” Pat said, “What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything. I am taking him upstairs to lay down and rest which is
something he very much needs if you can’t tell by the two black eyes he has so
please allow me to take my son upstairs to his room,” My Da answered.

“Can I come too? Please let me come with him,” Pat said looking around like he
was panicking as I heard another car pull up into our drive way.

“Oh, geeze Connor what did you two do to him?” Vic asked coming forward as he
reached out to take me from my Da.

“NO DON’T TOUCH ME!!! NO!” I managed to scream causing Pat’s alarm to grow.

“Hey, it’s ok. You’re all right. I’m right here,” Pat told me as my Da handed
me over to Vic, “Vic can I come with you?”

“Yeah,” Vic said nodding his head, “Upstairs come on guys.”

Vic hurried carrying me upstairs to the elevator, “Vic he doesn’t want you near
him anymore can you tell me what happened?” Pat asked once the elevator doors
shut.

“I have a cover I need to keep. My cover would have gotten blown if I had said
no and refused to do what I did ok? I didn’t rape him but my tongue went
somewhere it shouldn’t have while Connor watched to make sure I was actually
doing it all right? I’ve told him I’m sorry. I know I can’t take it back but
he’s still very weary of me touching him for reasons that I very much
understand,” Vic answered.

“You didn’t blow him, did you? Because he hates that more than he does anal,”
Pat told Vic making me moan loudly, “Rabbit it’s ok. I’m right here.”

“No same area wrong action…,” Vic mumbled.

“No! you don’t rim someone randomly that’s almost as bad as oral,” Pat
chastised Vic.

“I know I’m sorry. It was either that or go all the way which was something I
wasn’t going to do,” Vic said.

“So, you rimmed him and that’s why he doesn’t want you touching him,” Pat said,
“No wonder he nearly loses his shit every time you’re around Vic. You know how
stupid that is?”

“What other choice did I have Patrick?” Vic asked him, “Say no? Say I’m not
into raping little boys? You know what they would have done to me? I would have
probably ended up dead trust me on this. I can’t help anyone if I’m dead.”

“You can’t help anyone if your shoving your tongue in their ass either. You
know how invasive that is?” Pat hissed.

“Yes, Patrick actually I do and like I said I’m sorry ok? Now could you hand me
my bag?” He asked.

“Rabbit what did they do to you?” He asked me again as the conversation stopped
when the elevator opened as Vic carried me to my room. Once we were inside of
my room I sighed squirming to get out of Vic’s arms and throwing my arms around
Pat’s neck.

“Leo said it was because I keep skipping that him and Da discussed it and
because I’m his until after school on Monday. That meant it was his
responsibility to punish me so he did.” I answered simply trying to be vague.

I was afraid it would hurt him. Hurt him to know what Leo had done to me. Hurt
him to know that Leo had allowed someone else to hurt me, that it would make me
repulsive that now it wasn’t just Leo and Da and Ben and Hank but that there
was one more name to write onto the long list of names of people who’d been
with me, who’d raped me.

“He’s punished you for skipping? Does he know you’re just trying to catch up on
sleep that you need? Sleep somewhere where you aren’t afraid someone is going
to rape you?” Pat hissed his eyes flashing with anger.

“No,” I answered shaking my head, “I don’t know what he thinks I’m doing but we
can’t skip anymore.”

“Rabbit, if we don’t skip you get like 0 sleep and you’re going to start
breaking down again. I can’t watch that happen again ok? You’re finally
starting to act normal so they beat the shit out of you? What is that?” Pat
asked no one in particular.

“Wait he’s not sleeping?” Vic asked Pat.

“Not restful, all weekend he’s with Leo every weekend. Then on Monday or
Tuesday he’s with his Da. At school he can’t because it’s school and the
teachers are there and you know what some of them are like. He’s not doing
well. He was just starting to get better. We were skipping out Mondays. Going
away and just finding a place so we could curl up so he could sleep that’s it
for real.”

“No making out or having sex?” He asked Pat.

“None. We’re both contracted. Gus catches the smell of anyone on me I’m getting
beaten like this,” he said gesturing towards me, “And I really find being
beaten unpleasant as I’m sure John can testify to you. It’s been a while for me
too even though if I could I would take his place right now, is he going to
need stitches?”

“No, none of the bites are that deep. I’m going to have to give him a couple of
shots just to be safe, antibiotics. His nose it broken however it seems like
Leo might have already reset it because it doesn’t look like it’s out of joint
but he’s going to have some black eyes for a couple of days. None of the
scratching is deep however some of the contusions look pretty nasty. John can
you tell me how bad your rectum hurts?” Vic asked me.

“It burns a little. I went to the bathroom and there wasn’t any blood though,”
I answered, “My head hurts.”

“Well good that means he probably didn’t rip anything or if he did it was very
little, I’ll give you stool softeners just in case,” Vic said refiling through
his medical bag.

“I know Rabbit. I know it’s hurts I’m sorry,” Pat said kissing my forehead,
“I’m sorry they did this to you. God, I’m so sorry.”

“Relax I don’t think anything is broken,” Vic said, “I’m going to give you some
morphine for pain John. It’ll put you out for a little while. Pat you’re going
to have to leave with me because I don’t need you in trouble and him in
anymore.”

“It’s my fault this happened to him,” Pat said looking at Vic before he turned
to me, “Can you tell us who did it?”

I clung to him, breathing him in. I didn’t want to talk about it, think about
it. I just wanted to forget all of it. To be with him. To let him comfort me. I
just wanted to feel safe.

“Ok,” Vic said in response to my silence nodding his head, “This is going to
sting but when you wake up you probably won’t hurt as bad. Nothing is broken
I’m sure of it. I’m going to put an ice mask on your face to help with your
robber’s mask you got going on. Remember to take your stool soften. After the
morphine wears off take Tylenol. You stay away and both of you need to stop
skipping.” Vic said as he poked me rubbing my arm lightly, “You know I’m sorry,
right?”

“I know,” I said.

“I hate this,” Pat said kissing my forehead and running a hand through my hair,
“I need to be here.”

“You can’t be,” Vic warned him, “You need to stay away from him. If you’re not
in school stay away from him, all right?”

“You can’t tell me that. He needs someone other than them. They are torturing
him. You know they are. He’s as close to normal as he has ever been since he
got back because we’ve been skipping Mondays and spending time together. He’s
going to go back to not talking about anything, this,” he said grabbing my
wrist where my big angry red scar from my suicide attempt was, “This is his
future if I can’t be with him. I won’t ever forgive myself or you if he does
this again. I love him Vic, I know I’m not supposed to admit that to anyone
ever but him. But I do, I love him and I want to be with him and I will do
anything for him. Even taking this beating for him if I had been there.”

“You guys can’t get caught,” Vic warned him, “You can’t get caught. One of you
will end up dead best case and you’re both contracted right now. That means
your bodies belong to someone else. Not you, so you need to be careful.”

“Yeah I know that. I’m very aware. Why do you think I keep my body to myself?”
Pat hissed at Vic, “Because his safety is more important to me than anything.
If keeping him safe means I can’t kiss him, can’t touch him other then maybe
hug him and do what I’m doing right now that’s fine. That’s what I’ll do. If I
thought staying away from him was safer for him I would do that but right now
it’s not. Right now that would make him hurt himself again and I can’t live
with myself if he does that.” Pat said rubbing my arm as the drugs finally
started to kick in and his voice started to go fuzzy as I buried my face in his
side closing my eyes.

I didn’t get to hear the rest of the conversation before I drifted off. When I
woke up I wasn’t sure what time it was but Vic was sleeping on my floor and Pat
was gone, the house quiet. I felt cold and naked without him there. Without his
body, next to mine.

“Vic where did he go?” I asked quietly causing Vic to jump up with a start.

“I sent him home, he’s ok,” he said getting up, “How are you feeling?”

“Sore,” I answered.

“Well yes, you’re going to be. Whoever this guy was he wasn’t very nice. You’re
lucky you didn’t tear badly. Only two people I’ve seen worse than this guy are
Arthur and your Uncle. He must have punched you in the stomach a couple of
times. You have like two bruised ribs but I doubt they are broken. You have an
arm sprain but I’m going to guess that’s from you. I doctored your wrist too.
Make sure you keep those bandaged, keep out the dirt,” Vic said.

“He used handcuffs so I couldn’t…” I sighed, “I screamed a lot.”

“Oh, I bet you did,” Vic said shaking his head, “he nearly scratched your left
hip raw it looks nasty. It’s going to be oozing for a bit so make sure you
change your bandage. I can write a doctor’s note for gym that way you don’t
have to worry about changing and what not. You trust me yet?”

“What you did, scared me,” I answered swallowing the lump in my throat.

“I know but I wouldn’t have done it if I had thought there was another way out
of that,” Vic said to me, “If I die I can’t help you guys get out again. I
can’t help anyone. I can’t blow my cover. I got Flynn out, and Kris he didn’t
go off to school he took off. I got him out. I get a ton of ones out every year
but they are easier. Just make it look like they died by accident and no one
ever questions it, you guys, you’re harder. People miss you. My mistake was not
slipping you guys out of the country and splitting you up. There were just too
many of you, you were too easy to find all together.”

“He set up a missing persons site a fake one. The PI my Da hired. Heathers
brother saw it. Turned me in, us in. It was my fault if I would have told her
that we left, that we ran because of…I couldn’t tell her that. I couldn’t let
her know I’m a freak that I don’t …who does that to their kid? Their son?” I
asked looking at my hands, not able to look Vic in the face.

“Sick people but that doesn’t make you the freak. It makes him one John ok?”
Vic said and I nodded my head, “He caught you because he was counting on you
keeping it as quiet as possible just like he was counting on your mom to do the
same. Society views this as a very private issue especially when it’s a family
member that does it like a dad and they know that. They know it’s taboo so they
know people will keep quiet. That they won’t tell anyone. That way when they go
looking for the victims to get them back after they run no one is going to warn
their families that are in hiding especially if it’s a son and not a daughter.”

“I wish I was never born. That he wasn’t my Da,” I answered.

“I know, he’s not a real Dad. Not to you and not to your siblings,” Vic said,
“Real Dad’s don’t do this to their kids.”

“Why did he start?” I asked, “I mean he had mum. He was happy with her you
would think but …”

“Your mom was pregnant a lot. Sometimes when a woman gets pregnant her sex
drive changes and some people who are addicted to sex meet their needs in other
ways. He had sons not daughters. Honestly, I think he used who was vulnerable
and who was there which was you and Will and he got to a point where he liked
it so he kept doing it. Can I tell you something? Since you know I’m one of
them I hear them talk ok? He says he thinks he’s bisexual and that if your mom
had been a man he would have still loved her. That you are everything she is in
male form. He thinks he’s in love with you but you don’t see how good he treats
you even though let’s be honest he treats you like shit. That’s why he gave you
to Leo so you would see how good he treats you. So, you would never complain
again. So, you might even…” Vic trailed off.

“I won’t ever love him like that. I can’t,” I answered hating thinking about
it, “He gave me to Leo to torture me into loving him like that didn’t he?”

“That was his idea yeah,” Vic answered.

“Does that mean after these last three months I don’t have to deal with Leo
anymore?” I asked quietly, hopefully.

“I don’t know John. I can’t tell you that. He wants you to be like him and you
are nothing like your Dad. I can tell you that. I spend enough time with him to
know that’s his end game that he wants you submissive.” Vic answered.

“I won’t,” I said shaking my head, “I won’t do that no matter what. Someone has
to stick up for them. If he’ll do this to me and I’m supposedly his favorite I
can’t imagine what he’ll do to everyone else.”

“John, you have power over him even if you don’t realize it. You use it. I know
you do. You do whatever you can to keep them safe. He doesn’t understand the
power you have over him. He loves you so much that he’ll do anything you say if
you agree to give him what he wants and he hates that. Leo paid a lot of money
for these six months A LOT of money. Has your behavior with Leo changed or your
Da?” Vic asked me.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’m quieter a lot,” I answered, “This is weird
Vic. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know,” Vic said from the floor where he was still sitting, “I know it’s
weird talking about what that stuff is like but if your Da feels he’s breaking
you it means he might not renew your contract with Leo.”

“Leo likes to hear me beg,” I answered a cold feeling flooding my body as I
remembered all of it, the past three months, “He likes to hear me make sounds
he…all of them really but especially Leo and Da they like to,” I hiccupped as
my breath hitched in my chest and I felt tears starting to flood my eyes.

“It’s ok,” Vic said quietly, “Take your time.”

“They want me to cum,” I managed to barely whisper, “They like… all of them
like it. They say I taste sweet I can’t ever stop it. My body always…gives them
what they want. I…it doesn’t matter how hard I try I always…”

Vic nodded his head, “Ok I know you’re going to hate hearing this but
considering you’re a teenage boy going through puberty that’s perfectly normal,
all right? You’re less likely to tell if you respond like that. That’s why they
keep doing it and you’re right they probably enjoy it.”

“I don’t,” I replied.

“I know you don’t,” Vic said, “I’m sure your body because of all those hormones
racing around in there is hyper sensitive in that region. Your prostate, balls,
penis everything. You probably pop boners in the middle of English and I know
who your English teacher is and, let’s face it nothing arousing about that
class.”

“Yeah Father Dunbee does nothing for me,” I answered nodding my head.

“That’s why I want you and Pat touching as little as possible because while
he’s a year older and he has a little bit more control you’re still pretty
fresh in that game so…the less he touches you the easier it is to keep that
secret you two have.” Vic told me.

“I…it’s just him,” I admitted, “I don’t know why because I mean usually if I’m
going to pop a boner I think about Christina Agueralia but …he’s like literally
the only guy who.”

“Well not all attraction is physical. Some of it is emotional. He loves you and
I know you love him. The video you made certainly doesn’t help hide that fact.
The way your eyes go big and light up when you’re looking at him.”

I felt myself blush a deep shade of red in the dark. I didn’t want to talk to
Vic about love. I didn’t want to talk about my body or how it had trouble
hiding its feelings. He was right. Every time I felt Pat brush against my skin
I got aroused which is why Pat was very careful about where we were and who was
with us when he did touch me. Choosing not to get too close to me when we were
in public but only when we were with friends like Dom and Cole.

“It’s not like you have a lot of girls around in your life. You need that type
of support that type of unconditional support from somewhere and he’s obviously
willing to give it and you do the same for him. There is nothing wrong with
that other than it will get you killed because they want to prevent you guys
from having that outlet. They want to keep you from developing any type of
close friendships period let alone romances,” Vic told me, “I think you’re
going to be staying home from school tomorrow maybe even Wednesday just to be
safe. To make sure nothing goes wrong and it will help with headaches. Because
you’re probably going to have a lot. Your torso is bruised my friend like whoa.
Like did he take a two by four to your stomach?”

“Not that I remember,” I answered, “Why?”

“Well,” Vic sighed sitting on his knees turning on the lamp on my side table,
“Lift up your shirt. I won’t hurt you. I won’t touch you, just lift it up and
take a look.”

I sighed lifting up my shirt and looking at my chest. He was right. The last
three ribs on my left side were outlined in dark angry bruises like I had
gotten kicked in the chest. It looked painful and made me body feel tight and
burn a little. I didn’t even want to touch it, it looked that painful. At the
time, the pain was dull because I still had some morphine in my system but I
could tell I would be in a world of pain when it wore off.

“That’s from his fist,” I answered, “I don’t know. He squeezed a little bit but
mostly my hips and thighs.”

“Yeah you have claw marks and finger sized bruises up and down your legs
especially near your knees like someone pried your knees apart to do things,”
Vic answered me.

“Yeah,” I answered, “He was rough.”

“Well, he broke your nose and left several bite marks on your arms and chest.
I’d say rough would be a bit of an understatement. The only way he could have
tortured you more would be if he electrocuted you and started breaking your
bones or whipped you which, you know how awesome that feels,” Vic answered.

“Yeah, I’m glad he didn’t whip me,” I answered.

“Yeah, whipping is never fun,” Vic answered.

“So, stay home tomorrow and I’ll be back. However, something else I want to
note here. I know this hard for you. I don’t imagine it’s easy but no more
skipping school ok? Pat said you were using the time to sleep?”

“Yes, I don’t sleep well at Leo’s and then Da on Monday he…he shares a bed with
me,” I answered quietly, “So Mondays I’m super tired so sleeping with Pat, like
not sex just like he takes me somewhere and he holds me while I actually sleep.
It makes me feel safe. It makes it easier to deal with Da.”

“You and Pat don’t do anything when you’re hanging out on Monday?” He asked me
a skeptical look on his face.

“I make out with him but he…he’s very like… I can tell he wants to but then he
doesn’t at the same time. I think it’s because of Gus and Leo. Because he keeps
saying things like he’s afraid Gus will smell me on him and stuff like that.
Even though going past making out isn’t something I’m interested in right now
either so…” I answered.

“Because of Leo?” He asked me.

“Because all of them,” I answered, “I don’t like being touched by most people
but Pat he’s different.”

“Ok,” Vic said nodding his head.

“Leo makes me tell him things,” I said suddenly as Vic stood up, “The things
other people do, have done. He says it’s to make it so it doesn’t bother me but
I don’t think that’s what it is.”

“Why do you think he’s doing it?” Vic asked me quietly.

“Because he likes hearing about it. Because it makes him …it turns him on,” I
answered.

“I think you’re probably right. I’ll talk to your Dad about giving you time to
hang out with Pat especially if that’s the only way you’re sleeping. I feel
like your Dad is escalating the way he’s been treating Will it’s not…it’s not
good and I can only picture him getting worse. He’s making Will make movies now
you know?” Vic asked me.

“Yeah, he told me, Will did. At the Villa, they made him do doubles. He’s been
really quiet since they did that,” I answered.

“I know,” Vic answered, “He’s scared. Your first double is traumatizing. I’m
sure you remember.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head causing my head to pound again slightly, “He’s
selling Mac to Hank.”

“No, Hank’s making payments. 2 million dollars to well, it doesn’t matter what
for it’s still wrong but Hank won’t have custody of Mac. Not ever and he has to
wait until Mac is old enough. But he’s grooming him. Buying Mac toys trying to
get Mac to trust him,” Vic told me.

“I hope he never does. Hank does horrible things,” I replied.

“You just have to spend a lot of time with Mac and hopefully Hank won’t be able
to brain wash him into thinking Hank is safe. I don’t know he’s still little
enough his gut is probably telling him something’s wrong. Tell him to trust his
gut. I know he’s just little still but be there for him for all of them. You
know what’s going on with the twins?” Vic asked me.

“Fetish films, Uncle Ben you mean?” I asked.

“Yes,” Vic said nodding his head, “That someone is paying money to see them
soon. He’s not violent but he’s very much not a good guy. You need to tell them
to do what he says. Whatever he says otherwise the brotherhood will give them
to Tony to make the other types of videos and you know what I mean by that.”

“Yeah, I do,” I answered nodding my head, “I’ll tell them.”

“Good. Now just try and be home, relax. Spend a lot of time in bed. Give your
ribs a chance to heal ok?” He said grabbing his stuff and his medical bag.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“It’s late like 2am,” he answered me, “I’m going home to sleep in my own bed
ok?”

“Why did you stay here so long?” I asked.

“Keep your Da from bothering you, waking you up. With me up here he’s not
exactly going to be handsy. Most people like doing that in private without
guest over,” Vic answered, “He didn’t bother Will either. Will told me he
usually shows up around 10 after everyone else is in bed and he’s been in a bed
for a little while. He came in around 11 to check up on you and said your Da
hadn’t shown up yet so he was checking the rooms to make sure. Your room to
make sure because he knew you were hurt. I’ll come back and see you tomorrow
ok? Let you know if you’re ok for school on Wednesday or not.”

“Ok, goodnight,” I said nodding my head as Vic turned off the light and quietly
left.

I rolled over causing my torso to burn slightly with my movement and managed to
fall back to sleep. I don’t know how long I slept but I was woken up by Andy
banging on my door.

“Jack Daddy said you were sick,” he shouted through the door as I got up and
hobbled over to door and opened it up.

“Yeah buddy. I’m sick but only a little bit,” I answered, “How are you?”

“I’m ok I brought Brandy Bear to keep you company because he always makes me
feel better,” he said as I hobbled over to the bed and sat back down.

“Well, thank you but you can keep me company if you like,” I answered as he put
his arms up towards me asking me to lift him onto the bed next to me without
words.

“Ok,” he said looking at me, “I got tired of hot wheels.”

“You did? What have you been playing with now?” I asked curious.

“Just Brandy Bear,” he said smiling hugging the bear tightly and wiggling
himself from side burying his face in the bears chest.

“Yeah have you been playing house with Laura?” I asked.

“Yeah, I was the Daddy,” He said, “I was a good Daddy. I fed the babies.”

“Who were the babies?” I asked.

“Mac and Brandy Bear,” Andy answered.

“And you fed them? What else did you do with them?” I asked curious.

“Cuddled them nice,” he told me.

“What do you mean by nice?” I asked.

“Like you cuddle me silly,” he answered.

“I see, and did Mikey play too?” I asked.

“Yeah for a little while but he was the grandpa because I was the Daddy and he
sat and read the paper and drank coffee,” Andy answered.

I laughed, “I see, anyone else play with you guys?”

“Matty played a little bit but Matty’s not nice sometimes so I don’t like
playing with him.” He told me.

“What do you mean he’s not nice?” I asked feeling sick to my stomach afraid of
what he meant.

“He looks at me funny and asks me weird questions that I don’t like. I don’t
know he used to be nice but he’s not so nice anymore not since Mama went bye,”
he told me. He looked at Brandy Bear frowning hugging him setting the stuffed
Teddy bear on his lap and petting its head as he sighed sadly, “When is mama
coming home?”

“I don’t know buddy,” I answered, “I wish she would come home too. I miss her.
Do you miss her?”

“I miss her lots,” he told me, “She used to rock me. Alice rocks me sometimes
now too but not the same as when mama did it.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I’m going to talk to Da and see if he can
tell us when mum is coming home because she has to come home at some point.”

“I hope so because I miss her,” he told me throwing his head forward into my
lap accidentally head butting me in the stomach causing me to wince in pain,
“Did I hurt you?”

“No, it’s ok. I’m all right,” I said trying to catch my breath as the pain
radiated from my stomach into my back and up my spine.

“You don’t seem all right,” he said frowning.

“No, bud really I’m all right. You just hit a booboo that’s all. It’s not your
fault,” I said rubbing his back as he stayed his head in my lap.

“Will you play house with us today? You can be the Daddy,” he told me, “Or the
baby.”

“No bud. I think I’m going to stay here in bed if that’s ok. However, if you
want to bring me a book I’ll read you a story. Everyone else can join us,” I
told him just as I saw someone walk by the doorway from the corner of my eye.

“There you are Andrew it’s time for lunch dear,” Alice said smiling at him,
“Come on I’ll get you fed.”

“Can Jack come?” He asked Alice.

“Jack isn’t feeling well dear, come along now. I’ll feed you and then bring
Jack his food all right?” She said holding out her hand which he slid off the
bed and walked over to her taking hold of it.

They walked down the hallway his happy chatter fading as they walked into the
kitchen. About 10 minutes later Alice came back knocking on the door that was
still cracked open a plate with a sandwich on it in one hand and a bag full of
something in the other. She looked at me.

“May I sit?” She asked pointing at the foot of my bed and I nodded in response,
“How are you feeling?”

“I’m all right I guess just sore,” I answered, “How are you doing?”

“Oh, sugar I’m fine thank you for asking,” she said, “Dr. Palmer told me to
look at you, that I need to change your bandage on your wrist so if you don’t
mind…”

“Oh yeah,” I said rolling up my sleeves so she could see the white medical
gauze around each of my wrists.

“Here,” she said taking a pair of scissors and snipping the one on my left
wrist peeling it off because it was sticking to my skin slightly where the
wound had started to ooze, “That feel ok?” She asked me holding my arm gently.

“Yeah,” I answered, “Andy says Matt is being mean to him.”

“Matt has been having some difficulties. your Daddy has him seeing someone on
Saturdays. He’s on medication again, the medication is new though so it’ll take
a while before it does anything but yes, he seems to be violent lately. He has
rages. Hopefully with time it will get better,” she told me rebandaging my
wrist.

“You sure?” I asked.

“Well, I’ve seen kids like him. They become trouble through no fault of their
own. It takes patience to deal with them,” she told me, “I’ve dealt with them
before. A couple of them. One boy I knew he wasn’t allowed to have pets because
every time his parents brought him a dog he would choke it to death. I think he
just unsettles Andrew. I don’t think he’s a real threat to him.”

She took my other wrist unbandaging it and hissed when she pulled the gauze
from my skin looking at my scar, “Sugar you shouldn’t have done that. I wish
you wouldn’t have. I know it’s hard but you don’t need to beat up yourself
too.”

I sighed, “I just wanted it to stop. You understand that don’t you?” I asked.

“I do,” she told me, “But you have these babies here. They need you. I heard
Vic talking to your Daddy he says you need to spend more time with friends that
it’ll help you. He said Pat could come over after school. Will that help you?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “I want to be home during the weekends.”

“I know you do sugar but there isn’t anything anyone can do about that right
now,” Alice said patting my arm sadly, “Eat your lunch, rest.”

Just then the lift kicked on and I looked at the time on my alarm clock. It was
too early for it to be my brothers and Catty coming home from school because it
was only 1pm. I sighed knowing it was probably Da or uncle Ben. Sure enough a
few minutes later Da popped his in the door and Alice smiled.

“Afternoon sir,” she said standing up and walking away as he came into the
bedroom.

I felt my heart pounding against my chest again. I was afraid he was going to
hurt me as he sat down where Alice had been sitting looking at me closely, “Hi
baby. Are you feeling better?” He asked me.

I nodded my head not able to look at him for fear it would trigger him to kiss
me or hug me and that was something I couldn’t deal with. My body was sore. I
was tired and emotionally exhausted and I felt like any of them against my skin
would be too much. I waited from him to speak as he looked at me, feeling his
eyes on me.

“You shouldn’t have skipped you know, that right?” He asked me quietly.

“I know da I was just tired. I just needed sleep,” I answered.

“Baby, you can sleep here with me, and Leo lets you sleep. I know he does,” he
said as I closed my eyes taking a deep breath trying to not think about it, not
think about how they pressed into my back as I tried to sleep at night. How
their skin was against mine.

“I’m sorry Da. It won’t happen again,” I answered.

“I know it won’t,” he said, “I talked to Leo. Mum is almost ready to come home.
She’s on medication and she’s stable. She’s not as groggy as she was. She’ll be
able to take care of the babies. However, her doctor and Leo think that it
would be wise not to have any kids for a while at least until everyone else is
out of the nursery. That it will help with her mental health. So, in a week or
two she should be home.”

“Ok,” I replied.

“Vic thinks you should hang out with your friends more often that it would help
you,” he told me, “So Pat will be coming home with you on Wednesdays and
Thursdays to hang out. Just you two all right? No Hank, no me. Just the two of
you to do teenage things. If I get one whisper of anything physical I will tell
Leo and Leo will deal with it. Which might mean your name in the bowl, it might
not. I’m going to let Leo decide on that because you’re his you understand me?”

“Yes sir, I understand,” I answered.

“Good,” he said patting my knee making me jump.

“It’s ok, I know you’re sore,” he said moving his hand away, “Don’t worry. I
know you need a break baby no matter how much I would…” he cleared his throat,
“Anyway, enjoy lunch and just try to relax all right?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as he handed me my sandwich.

“I love you,” he told me.

“I love you too,” I answered finally chancing a glance at him.

His eyes giving me that look that made my body feel cold, frozen. I didn’t like
it when he looked at me like that. That look always made my brain scream at me
to run that he wanted to put his hands on me. That he wanted to do things to me
he shouldn’t and it felt like a brick sitting in my gut making me not hungry.
He sighed and got up shutting the door quietly as he left.

Once he left I exhaled letting out a breath I didn’t even realize I had been
holding. Trying to relax, trying to allow myself room to breathe telling myself
I was ok. That things were ok. It hurt to think that he didn’t understand how I
couldn’t sleep with them. How I couldn’t sleep with them holding me, how it was
never restful but almost always terrifying and the only reason I even managed
to close my eyes on those nights was because of pure exhaustion. Because if I
didn’t I wouldn’t be able to function even though my brain was never able to
shut off on those nights. The nightmares and thoughts racing around my head
like a car on a racetrack that had to go an unlimited number of rounds in order
to win the race, a race that never ended.
I spent the rest of the afternoon alternating between reading and napping in my
bed at one point getting a visit from Laura who cuddled up to me napping with
me. The next time I heard the elevator when it opened there was a lot of
chatter and laughing as the kids came upstairs from school I managed to get up
and go out into the living room stopping and grabbing some Tylenol to help my
aching body.

“Stop it James that tickles,” I heard Catty laugh as I came out into the
kitchen area to see James standing behind her tickling her, her French braid
bobbing up and down with her laugher as he reached under her armpit his fingers
brushing her sides feather light.

“James are you being nice?” I asked.

“Yeah, he is,” Catty said, “How are you?”

“I’m good and how you guys?” I asked sitting down in an empty seat next to
Mike.

“Good, have some math homework,” Mike said pulling his math workbook out of his
bag and putting it on the table in front of him.

“I have some news,” I said.

“What?” Matt asked as everyone stop to look at me and I heard a voice clear
behind me.

“Will, there you are I was wondering where you were,” I said, “Come here I have
some news I need to share with everyone.”

“I’ve been in my room dude, I have homework,” Will answered, “What’s your
news?”

“Why didn’t you wake me up when you got home?” I asked.

“Because you’re injured and if you remember it wasn’t that long ago I was
pretty injured so I figured you’d want to sleep,” Will said, “What’s the news?”

“Da said that Mum is doing better and he’s hoping that in a week or two mum
will be ready to come home,” I said looking at everyone as both James and Catty
let out excited shrieks.

“Mummy’s coming home?” James asked his eyes wide.

“Now, I didn’t say that,” I answered, “I said he’s hoping she’ll be able to
come home not that she is for sure but I want her to come home and I know all
of you miss her as much as I do. So, I wanted to let you know that she’s doing
better because I know Da doesn’t tell you guys anything about how she’s doing.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Mike said nodding his head, turning back to his homework.

“He does to me sometimes,” Will said.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah he said she’s postpartum psychosis with delusional thinking. Which we all
know is a lie,” Will answered leaning against the threshold.

“What is that?” Catty asked curious.

“It means that her thinking isn’t right. Like you know how we talked about the
monsters under your bed and they aren’t real?” I asked Catty.

“Yeah, mummy thinks there are monsters under her bed?” Catty asked.

“Kind of, at least that’s what they are saying,” I told her.

“So, Mummy, doesn’t think there is monsters under the bed but Daddy is saying
she does?” James asked.

“Yes,” I answered, “But yeah mummy is going to have a hard time when she gets
home if she comes home in the next two weeks but whenever she gets here we have
to be extra good ok?” I told everyone.

“What about if we have stuff we need to tell her?” Mike asked quietly not
looking up at us even though everyone else looked at him.

I sighed. He was talking about the stuff Da was doing, Uncle Ben was doing. I
wasn’t sure how to answer that question but I knew mum shouldn’t hear about it.
That her state of mind was going to be fragile because of the medication she
was on because she had probably been convinced that all of things that happened
weren’t real. That they were a figment of her imagination like they had the
hospital staff convinced.

“Well,” I said, “You need to write it down in your journals. Don’t tell mum
about it yet. We’ll let her get home and let things to get more normal before
we tell her all of that stuff ok?”
 
“Ok,” Mike said, “What about…”

“Mikey...” Matt said his voice sounding off as I looked over to see Matt
shaking his head at Mike as if telling him to keep his mouth shut. To not say
anything else.

“Matt something wrong?” Will asked.

“No,” Matt answered smiling up at Will, “Can you help me with this math
problem?”

“Sure, Matt but, I want to know what that was. You care to explain Mike?” Will
said.

“It’s nothing,” he said quietly turning back to his homework as Will shot me a
look.

“Hey, anyone thirsty?” I asked standing up and going do the kitchen, “I’m going
to grab some juice boxes. Mike, can you help me carry them?”

“Yeah,” he said getting up and walking with me to the kitchen.

I started handing him Juice boxes, “Can you tell me what you were going to
say?”

“No, he’ll be mad,” Mike answered.

“Who? Matty?” I asked and was met by silence, “If he’s hurting you like Uncle
Ben hurts you and like Da you need to tell me ok?”

“It’s not like them it’s different. Uncle Ben he…he used to make him but now
Matty wants to and I don’t like it. I don’t like him anymore,” Mike told me.

“Want to what? Do stuff to you?” I asked.

“Stick his thing in my mouth while Uncle Ben is… it feels weird and slimy and I
don’t like it and sometimes it hurts and feels full and gross and makes me cry
and he won’t stop. Not until it’s super sticky and it hurts,” he told me.

I sighed. Matty was hurting him too? I didn’t know what to do about this but it
made me feel sick to my stomach. How could he do that to anyone let alone his
twin brother his identical twin.

“Have you been spending less time with Matty?” I asked Mike.

“Yeah,” Mike answered, “He doesn’t want to play video game anymore just do that
type of stuff so I just don’t hang out with him anymore. Can I have a different
bedroom?”

“At night?” I asked and he nodded his head, “You have your own room. You know,
that right?”

“He says it’s his room. That neither of them are really my room because I’m his
so my room is his,” Mike told me.

My heart fell. Matt was hurting him and he felt like he couldn’t tell me? That
he didn’t even have a room he could call his own because Matt had him convinced
that he belonged to Matt so that meant everything he had was Matt’s too? This
wasn’t ok. I didn’t know what I could do for him though so I sighed thinking
before I said:

“You can sleep in my room. I have a big bed, you can take it and I’ll sleep on
the floor or I can sleep in your bed it’s up to you,” I answered.

I didn’t look forward to giving up having a room to myself but if it meant
keeping my brother safe I would do it. I just had to let Da know that I
wouldn’t be in my own room just in case he decided to pay a midnight visit. I
didn’t want his hands anywhere near Mike. I would be having a serious talk with
Matt about keeping his hands to himself about boundaries. I mean I loved Matt
but I was angry with him.

I was angry that he would think it was ok to force his brother to do that type
of stuff when it was very obvious especially to a twin that it was something he
wasn’t willing to or wanted to do. Especially when he didn’t like it happening
to him. I knew I couldn’t beat him up no matter how badly I wanted to that it
was wrong and the only way to deal with it was to talk it out.

“Can you stay with me?” He asked me, “I don’t want to be alone but…I don’t want
to be with him.”

“Yeah, whatever you need ok?” I said patting him on the shoulder, “Let’s go get
these juice boxes out to all my hard workers huh?”

We walked back out into the dining room passing out the juice boxes. I helped
everyone with homework and then helped Alice serve dinner. When it was done I
started gathering plates.

“Hey Matt, can you help me clean up, I’ll wash you dry?” I asked.

“Sure,” Matt said frowning at me because that was usually an activity that Will
and I did together but he got up grabbing some plates and taking them into the
kitchen with me putting them in the sink.

“So…” I said not sure where to start, “I talked to Mike.”

“Yeah?” Matt asked looking at me.

“You know what Uncle Ben does, what Uncle Ben makes you do. That’s wrong you
can’t do that to people,” I said looking at him as I handed him a plate.

“Why not? They do it to me,” he said no emotion on his face or in his eyes
shrugging his shoulders.

“Because we don’t hurt people like that. If someone says they want to do those
things with you that’s different but if you can clearly tell they are not ok
with it, you don’t do it. You keep your hands to yourself you understand?” I
said quietly.

“Why? If you just relax it doesn’t feel bad. It can even feel good,” Matt said
as I handed him another plate to dry.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “No it doesn’t.”

“Yeah it kind of does,” Matt argued with me.

“No, Matt it doesn’t. Not everyone feels that way about it. Mike doesn’t like
it. He doesn’t want you doing those things to him. He wants you to stop,” I
told him, “And you’re going to. If you can’t keep your hands to yourself I’m
going to tell Da and you know Da and his rules.”

“You wouldn’t,” Matt said stopping looking at me.

“I will if it is the only way to get you to stop,” I warned him, “You keep your
hands to yourself.”

“I’m sorry ok John? I’m sorry but I don’t…Uncle Ben told me to practice so I’d
get better at it. So, I’ve been trying to practice just like he said,” Matt
told me.

“I don’t care what Uncle Ben told you. That is something that is not ok and you
need to understand when someone says no even if they don’t verbally say it you
need to respect that. And I know you can read people you’ve always been good at
reading people Matt. You can read me like I’m an open book and you’re nine
years old. I know you aren’t stupid. In fact, I think you’re a lot smarter than
me or anyone else wants you to be. So, I know you very clearly understand me.
Pay close attention; you will keep your hands to yourself or I will turn you in
to Da and Da will get Arthur or whoever else to beat the living shit out of
you. They will hang you up by your arms from the ceiling and they will whip any
insubordination out of you. You understand me?” I said quietly.

“Yes, I understand,” Matt said, “He told me to though you know?”

“I don’t care what he told you,” I answered, “You keep your hands to yourself.
That means Mike, that means Andy, Mac, James all of them. And don’t think I’m
excluding our sisters from that list because they are at the very top of it. I
hear of you touching anyone I will tell Da and I will tell Mum and you will not
be happy. And if they don’t do anything about it… I love you. I swear I love
you with all of me but I will if they don’t.”

“Yeah, got it can I go?” He asked me his statue of arrogance not changing even
a little.

“Yes, he’s sleeping in my room until I can trust you again or he feels safe in
his own room,” I added.

“Whatever,” Matt said walking away.

I finished the dishes by myself. I hadn’t meant to get that angry with him. I
hadn’t meant to threaten him but I didn’t see how he would understand it any
other way.

He obviously didn’t see a problem with hurting people so the only way I saw to
make him understand was to threaten him. It didn’t make me feel good about
myself but he knew my Da well enough to know that making Da angry was something
he didn’t want to do. After I finished the dishes I helped Will get the babies
settled into the nursery and read both James and Catty a bedtime story before
tucking them into bed. Around 8:30 it was time for Matt and Mike to go to bed
so I went to bed early with Mike who apparently wanted a bedtime story which
was something he didn’t usually request anymore and we ended up falling asleep
peacefully. I was surprised that Vic hadn’t stopped by because he said that he
was going to but I expected I would probably be going to school in the morning
so set my alarm.

When my alarm went off I told Mike to go back to sleep as I got up and ready
for school. When I got on the bus all three of my friend stared at me like they
had seen a ghost. I wasn’t sure why they were staring at me like that
considering I was wearing my uniform so it wasn’t like my bruises were showing
other than the one across my nose and eyes from my very broken nose.

“What?” I asked.

“Who did you get into a fight with?” Dom asked me.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m fine,” I answered, “How are you?”

“I’m all right,” Dom said, “Like seriously though, what happened.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said again shaking my head as Pat stared at me silent
his eyebrows raised.

“Will you all stop staring at me like that please? It’s just a broken nose. I’m
fine really,” I said again.

“Huh,” Cole said, “Usually if someone keeps saying they are fine the way you
are saying it. It points to things not being fine, just saying…”

“I’ll talk to you about it later all right?” I said looking around the bus
noticing Dick watching us. I didn’t want Dick to know even though something
told me he already did. That his Da had probably told him all about it and I
wasn’t ready to be teased about it by him.

“Ok,” Cole said nodding his head, “So anything interesting happen?”

“Not really?” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I don’t know home is home. I
spent most of yesterday sleeping actually.”

“I bet,” Dom muttered under his breath earning him an elbow jab to the ribs
from Pat which caused him to cough and shoot Pat a dirty look.

“Does it look that bad?” I asked.

“Well,” Dom said, “It looks like someone slammed your face repeatedly into a
wall.”

“So, it’s that bad?” I asked.

“Yeah, just tell people you took up boxing and your first lesson didn’t go
well,” Cole said trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, real funny,” I said shaking my head.

“You really shouldn’t have come to school,” Pat said quietly, “Not like this.”

“It’s fine,” I said again even though my anxiety started to sky rocket. What if
I was supposed to stay home and just didn’t know it? Should I have stayed home
at least until the bruising and swelling my face went down? I had no idea but I
felt like I was making a huge mistake.

As the bus stopped everyone stared at me as I passed them waiting for me to get
off the bus and I disappeared as quickly as I could. I went back into our spot
making sure I got lost so I could try to relax. I figured they were behind me
somewhere yet I still jumped as Tosh came through the bushes in front of me.

“Holy fuck,” Tosh said seeing my face, “What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything. I’m fine really, it’s a broken nose. It’s a fucking
broken nose. Don’t act like you’ve never heard of broken nose happening. They
happen, ok? I just broke my fucking nose,” I kept repeating as he shook his
head at me and Pat finally stumbled through the bushes grabbing me by the arm.

“Come here,” he said pulling me farther away into our little clearing in the
back away from where everyone else congregated usually, “What happened?”

“Leo found out from my Da we were skipping Mondays. Because I’m Leo’s until
after school I guess. Da and him decided it was his right to punish me and he
did ok? I won’t be skipping again.” I answered, “Can I have a smoke?”

“Sure,” Pat answered digging the pack out and handing me one, “What was your
punishment getting the snot beat out of you by Mike Tyson?”

“Not exactly, no,” I sighed undoing the button around my wrist showing him the
bandage.

“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked me.

“Some guy,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I feel like an idiot ok? I
don’t want to talk about it.”

“Rabbit, please,” Pat said shaking his head at me cupping my cheek tenderly
causing me to hiss in pain.

“It hurts, my face hurts,” I told him as he pulled his hand back.

“Sorry,” he told me, “What else did they do?”

“I’m too tired to talk about it,” I answered, “Handcuffs were involved and it
hurt a lot. I screamed and the guy fucking socked me repeatedly in the stomach
so I apparently have bruised ribs too which make it hurt to breathe.”

“You shouldn’t be at school you should be home. I’m allowed to come see you
after school on Wednesdays you should have just stayed home. I would have told
everyone what was up after I got home from seeing you. If it hurts to breathe
you shouldn’t be here.” Pat told me.

“I couldn’t stay home ok? I’m tired of this. I’m tired of it just being them. I
wanted to see you and I wanted to see you now. I didn’t want to wait until
after school ok? I’m fine if it gets too hard I’ll go to the nurse and go home,
all right?” I promised Pat.
“You know how much attention your face is going to draw? You have a healing
split lip and two black eyes. I’m surprised your nose isn’t crooked,” he told
me.

“It was,” I said remembering how Vic had said he had reset my nose, “Apparently
Vic had to pop it back into place so I guess we’ll see how bad it looks after
it heals.”

“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked me again.

“Leo had some guy come over. He said they were going to play which obviously
never means anything good but I was kind of ready for it until the dude
literally socked me in the face and then the stomach and handcuffed me to the
headboard. He was rough, he hurt. He bit me a couple times it wasn’t very nice
and I’d rather forget it happened because my body won’t be forgetting anytime
soon.” I answered as the bell rang calling us to Mass.

“Rabbit, seriously are you ok?” He asked me quietly.

“Mostly mad,” I answered honestly, “Sore and worried about some other stuff
going on. Stuff with Matt and Mike. Matt is apparently not being very nice to
Mike. Like Matt is really fucked up in the head and I don’t know what to do
about it.”

“What do you mean?” Pat asked, “You think he’s like them?”

“Like my uncle and Da you mean? Like the brotherhood? Maybe, I don’t know. He’s
just he’s weird. Alice said he’s on medication but he just started taking it so
I don’t know if it will help him any but I feel like he’s dangerous.” I told
Pat.

“Just watch him,” Pat told him, “come on let’s hurry up and get in before the
door is locked.”

We made it just before the chapel door shut. I don’t even remember what mass
was about however I did apparently fall asleep more than once earning myself a
kicked shin a couple of times and a smacked leg by Pat who was trying to keep
me awake and keep me from getting into trouble. I sighed standing when it was
time to stand and almost falling over the room spinning because I was just that
tired and my body was that sore Pat catching me with the help of Cole.

“Yeah, nope we’re taking you to the nurse and you’re going to go home,” Cole
said pulling one of my arms around his shoulder while Pat did the same with the
other one.

“I don’t want to go home,” I answered.

“Too bad. I’ll come see you after school all right?” Pat said and I sighed
nodding my head causing the room to spin.

“Boys what is this?” I heard a voice that made my blood run cold say.

“He’s not feeling well Father we’re taking him to the nurse,” Cole answered his
eyes glancing at Pat all of us facing forward away from him.

“I can take him,” Father McClairen said forcing Pat to grip my side tightly
almost causing me to scream out in pain.

“No, we have him we’re ok,” Pat said taking a step forward nodding at Cole to
do the same.

“No, you need to get to class,” Father McClairen said grabbing me around the
waist to separate me from them.

“No,” Pat said turning around to face Father McClairen, “Really father it’s
fine.”

“I’ll take him Mr. Kingly. It’s not a big deal,” Father McClairen said again.

“Gus,” Pat said barely loud enough for me to hear, “seriously don’t.”

“But I want to,” McClairen said just as quietly, “He’s fun. You could play with
us. I have a free period right now. I know you want to, feel his skin on your
skin, taste him, swallow that sweet juice? Just play with him a little bit and
then we can send him home.”

I shook my head trying to pull away, pull forward out of Gus’s grasps making
him hold tighter my clothes rubbing against the scratches on my hips. He was
going to do this at school? I couldn’t deal with it at school. My body was
beyond sore I didn’t think I was even capable of getting hard I was so sore.
Pat and Cole had been right. I shouldn’t have come to school not when I was
this injured.

“Father McClairen what is going on here?” I heard an old wheezing voice that I
knew.

“Taking the boy to the nurse’s office Father Dunbee,” he answered.

“I’m sure his friends have it handled unless of course they need my
assistance,” Father Dunbee said, “You know you’re not supposed to have physical
contact with students.”

“You are right Father I am sorry,” Gus said letting go of my hips as Pat
grabbed me making sure I didn’t fall over, “I shall leave you to escort them to
the nurse’s office.”

“My goodness child what on earth happened to you?” Father Dunbee asked looking
at me.

“It’s nothing father,” Pat said.

“I was asking Mr. McGregor here,” Father Dunbee said, “Does this have to do
with the list?”

I nodded my head in reply. I hadn’t told anyone that I had given him a list of
names. The names of people who were abusing me. Who were a threat to me. Pat
and Cole started moving me forward again.

I hadn’t realized how much energy just moving around would take with bruised
ribs and a broken nose and two black eyes. I knew I was beaten up but I didn’t
realize it was that badly. I had no idea that having bruised ribs could really
knock the wind out of you but it did. Most people think a bruised rib isn’t a
big deal and it doesn’t feel like it when you’re spending most of your time
laying or sitting down, resting but once you are up and moving on your feet it
gets painful really fast. Even the standing up and sitting back and forth again
in the pews had knocked the breath out of me which was why I was feeling like
shit. I had not been cleared to go back to school and should have probably
stayed home giving myself 48 to 72 hours in order to rest and recuperate
instead of deciding on my own that I was ok to go back.

They helped get me to the nurse’s office and laying down while someone handed
me an ice pack and the nurse took off to call my Da to come take me home.
Father Dunbee disappeared leaving just Pat, Cole and I.

“Hey,” Pat said taking the ice pack the nurse had given me for my face and
holding it in his hand, “Come on take off your shirt.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“You said he hit you hard in the stomach did he bruise you anywhere?” He asked
me quietly.

“Pat I’m fine really, just tired,” I answered.

“Rabbit, you’re not fine ok? You’re sick please? Just let me check. I won’t
hurt you. You know I would never hurt you,” Pat said his eyes begging me harder
than his words.

“Yeah man come on, it’s just us. It’s not big deal. We’ve seen you naked, all
right?” Cole coaxed causing me to sigh realizing again how hard it was to
breathe. I sighed going to go lift my arms up to pull my vest off my Tylenol
having worn off causing it to hurt.

“Here, we got it,” Pat said grabbing the hem of my vest for me and helping me
pull it over my head as Cole loosened my tie. When they got my dress shirt
unbuttoned Cole lifted up the hem of me under shirt and he shouted.

“HOLY FUCK!” and then slapped his hand quickly over his mouth realizing he was
at school.

I didn’t bother to look at it but I figured the red had probably turned purple
and black. Pat slowly and carefully held the ice pack to my bruised ribs making
me cringe, “Don’t,” I told him shaking my head wanting him to take the ice away
because it was too sensitive.

“Rabbit,” Pat whispered, “Come on honey. If I don’t they’re going to take you
to the hospital. Hell, I might break out my cell phone and call Vic right now
and I know you want nothing to do with Vic right now.”

“I’m tired,” I mumbled.

“I know,” Pat said, “God you really shouldn’t be here right now,” he said
grabbing my hand and kissing the back of it as he sat beside me holding the ice
to my ribs, “Look I’ll come see you after school ok?”

The nurse came into the room, “Oh dear me,” she said looking at us, “What
happened? Those are bruised ribs? You should be at home resting. I called your
Da he’s dropping your little sister off next door he’ll be here in a couple of
minutes. I’m making him come into the office to get you, all right? Boys, let
me write you slips and then you can head to class.”

“Can we wait until his dad gets here?” Cole asked, “I don’t want to leave him
like this.”

“Well, I’m sure John would like some privacy considering you have stripped him
of his clothes even if you share a locker room that’s kind of up close and
personal there gentlemen,” the nurse answered as we heard a knock on the office
door.
The nurse went and answered it as both Pat and Cole backed away from me a
little bit as my Da came in, “You weren’t supposed to come to school today.”

“I wanted to see my friends and I don’t want to get behind on school work,” I
answered.

“Yeah but those thugs did a number on you. I told you to stay home and rest. Oh
kid,” he said shaking his head as he grabbed my shirt, vest and tie and then
held his arms out, “Come on I have to carry you out.”

I sighed, not wanting him to touch me but put my arms around his neck as he
lifted me, “Thank you for taking care of him sister.” he said smiling as she
held the door open for him and he carried me out to the car.

He waited until we were out ear shot of anyone, “You know how stupid that was?
How bad this makes our family look?” He asked me.

“I’m sorry, I thought I would be fine because you do a lot of sitting at
school,” I answered, “Please don’t be mad.”

“You also do a lot more walking then sitting in bed,” he answered, “You
shouldn’t have come. I’m taking you home and you’re out of school for the rest
of the week got it? You can come back on Monday. This shit is ridiculous. Now
you’re going to go home I’m going to put you to bed and then Vic is going to
come over and check on you. You’re going to rest and then Friday you’re going
to go to Leo’s all right?”

“Yes, Da,” I answered.

He helped me into the back seat and shut the door. I was scared. Scared that he
was angry about me coming to school. Scared that he was angry I was hurt.
Scared that when we got home he was going to do things to me but I was so tired
and in so much pain I couldn’t really do that much, I could barely move.
However, when we got home he took me up to bed and replaced the ice on my ribs
with a fresh bag leaving me alone in my room, in my bed to sleep until Vic
arrived. When Vic got there, he knocked letting me know he was coming in
opening my door.

“Sorry I didn’t show up yesterday I got called away,” He told me, “So I heard
you wanted to go to school?”

“Yes,” I answered.

“And I’m assuming that didn’t work out? Bruised ribs are no joke kid they take
the wind right out of you,” Vic told me, “Let me see…,” he said as I lifted up
my shirt to show him my black and blue chest and he poked it causing me to hiss
in pain. “Any shortness of breath?” He asked me.

“Only a little,” I answered, “I felt fine yesterday other than being a little
sore.”

“Yeah well you weren’t up and moving around yesterday, either were you?” He
asked me feeling the ribs closely but gently.

“Not exactly no, I got up and helped my brothers and sisters with their
homework and did some dishes but otherwise no,” I answered.

“Probably why it didn’t make you so tired or hurt so bad yesterday,” he told me
taking out his stethoscope, “Now stay home. Probably until Friday or Monday.
Just rest all right?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Do you think I’ll still…”

“Have to go to Leo’s?” Vic finished, “Probably. You are his contract that means
whatever dates are specified in the contract are his. I can advise against it
but, that doesn’t mean he won’t…”
 
“Yeah…” I said shaking my head, “I figured as much. I don’t like being
contracted.”

“I know you don’t,” Vic answered, “Are you really sore anywhere else besides
your face and your ribs?”

“No,” I answered.

“Leo must have been really angry with you to have someone come over and treat
you like this. You’re lucky nothing is broken. Can I ask was he very violent
sexually?” Leo asked me.

“No, I mean a little bit but not too bad I guess. Like I said before he didn’t
whip me or anything like that. I prefer what he did to…,” I looked down at my
hands not wanting to look Vic in the face not wanting to admit the worst part
of it. Not wanting to talk about that part again.

“Skipping must have made Leo really angry,” Vic told me.

“I told my Da why I did it and he…” I felt like I was going to start crying
swallowing back my tears, “He didn’t get it. I spend all weekend with Leo,
trapped with Leo against my skin and I can’t breathe and then I’m so tired. I’m
just so tired and Monday I come home and Da he spends the night with me. He
told me he knows Leo lets me sleep but it feels like I don’t. From Thursday
night to Tuesday I feel like I’m not sleeping I’m so tired all of the time that
I can’t even keep up with the kids anymore. It’s hard to sleep with them next
to me. Like my brain won’t shut off all the way because…”

“Because you’re afraid they’re going to do things to you?” Vic asked me.

“They have,” I answered, “Sometimes it’s huh, it makes it hard to actually fall
asleep. Leo likes to wake me up and do things. Da doesn’t get it. He doesn’t
understand that I can’t sleep with them in the room with me. That I can’t
rest.”

“Yeah, he thinks he’s being nice trying to comfort you and really, he’s causing
you major anxiety,” Vic answered, “I can’t get him to stop though. To let you
sleep alone.”

“Leo is worse,” I answered, “At his house he makes me. I can’t sleep anywhere
but with him. Sometimes he’ll work in the office until late and then he’ll wake
me up. He’ll make me look at him while…”

“John, you need to breathe ok?” Vic said, “They really have you wound tight
don’t they? You’re shaking.”

“I…” I tried to speak but I couldn’t. Vic was right they had me wound tight
every second my mind racing reeling, praying they would just leave me alone
that they wouldn’t hurt me anymore, touch me anymore.

“Hey, John you’re safe I promise,” Vic said, “I’m not going to hurt you, all
right? You can tell me anything you need to but I think I need to try you on
some sleep medication and anti-anxiety all right?”

“I do that I’ll get foggy and they...” I answered.

“John, they’re going to do it anyway ok? If you take the pills it will help,”
Vic told me, “I take pills. To help me sleep, to help me deal with things.”

“If I do that I’ll be foggy and I won’t be able to protect them, my siblings. I
can’t do that. Mum is coming back and she’ll be like that. I can’t do that to
them. They need someone Vic he’s doing bad things really bad things he’s
letting Uncle Ben rape Mike and Matt and Matty is sick. He’s so sick. There is
something wrong with him and then he’s spending the night with Will when he’s
not with me. He’s letting Mr. Lord see James and Hank give gifts to Andy and
Mac and it’s just going so bad. I need mum back and I can’t be foggy,” I
rambled.

“The pills will help you separate. Give your brain a break so you can deal with
things better,” Vic said quietly.

“I can’t,” I said, “No matter what they do I can’t do that.”

“John, you can’t keep going like this you’ll end up back in the hospital,” Vic
said quietly.

“No, I won’t. I won’t let that happen. I just need to try harder to…” I sighed
my body stopped shaking.

“To what please them so they don’t do that?” Vic asked me, “You’ll never please
them. The only way you’ll ever please them is by doing what you’re doing and
even than it won’t ever be enough. John, honestly the only way to get you out
of this for right now is to give you medication.”

“I can’t,” I said taking the ice pack from Vic and putting it back on my chest,
“I’ll be fine.”

“John, you need to…”

“I’m fucking tired of people telling me what I need to do! I’m sorry I said
anything! I’ll stay home this week ok? I’ll see Pat after school I’ll fucking
go to Leo’s Friday and bend the fuck over so he can do whatever the fuck he
wants and I’ll keep my mouth shut ok?” I hissed.

I felt done. I was tired. I didn’t want anyone telling me that drugs were the
only way to handle this, to make me numb so they didn’t bother me. I knew it
was probably true but I knew it wasn’t an option I had. That I needed to find
something else, anything else. That maybe that’s why people went sour was
because they were looking for another way.

“John,” Vic said again, “You can’t keep going like this.”

“Yeah I can. I will. As long as I’m not in that fucking hospital where Neal
spent all night sucking on my dick until it hurt to piss I’ll be fine,” I
answered trying to sit up as Leo pushed me back down.

I closed my eyes. It was the first time his hand was making contact with my
skin like that without me being drugged or too sick to move. My breath left my
body feeling his hand against me making me feel frozen inside. I knew logically
he wasn’t going to hurt me, that he didn’t want to do those things to me but
emotionally I felt he couldn’t be trusted. That he was just like everyone else.
That he wanted to bury his tongue deep in my ass again make me scream and
shiver, make me wish I were dead.

“John, you need to just stay calm,” he said and must have seen the look on my
face, read my body language because then he removed his hand from my chest
backing away giving me space, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you are you ok?”
“Yes, I’m ok,” I answered sitting up slowly.

“Ok,” he said, “Does that happen a lot?”

“What?” I asked confused.

“That startle reaction when someone touches you?” He asked me.

“I guess, it just kind of feels like my chest gets tight and I’m ready for …”

“Someone to touch you in a way you don’t want to be touched?” Vic asked.

I nodded my head slowly, “Does that mean there’s something wrong?”

“No, it’s normal considering your circumstances,” Vic assured me, “It’s
unfortunate but normal. Anyone you don’t feel that way with? That anxiety?”

“Pat, my siblings. Dom and Cole. But if I can’t see who it is sometimes it
happens anyway. I smacked Will once on accident because he snuck up on me. I
was kind of just hanging out in the park and he came up behind me and me kind
of smacked him in the face before I realized it was him. It was back in
Montana.”

“Sounds exciting,” Vic commented.

“Yeah mum and Will weren’t happy and I ended up going to therapy twice a week
for the next month or so,” I answered.

“Ok well, I have to take off, please stay home and rest, don’t worry about
school work ok? Just try and save your strength. I’ll talk to your dad about
giving you time to heal all right?” Vic said looking at his watch and standing
up. He left once again shutting the door behind him. I rolled over, it taking
almost no time for me to fall back to sleep.
***** 30 *****
Chapter Summary
     John goes home to get some serious much needed rest. He finds out
     things that have been happening at home while he's been spending time
     with Leo. Will walks in on some alone time with Pat and then later
     John is confronted by Da in a very invasive way. Away that makes his
     skin crawl and makes him feel dirty.
Chapter Notes
     pages 579 to 604. The 30th chapter on my birthday! So fun. Since I'm
     stuck home sick I might as well take joy and celebrate in my own
     little way so there you go. Happy birthday me! Warnings: Consensual
     under age kissing, consensual underage touching, mental health
     issues, break down, talk of eating problems, RAPE/Non-con, talk of
     child sexual abuse, talk of drug use and other delinquent behaviors.
I didn’t wake up until after school was out because the next thing I knew I
heard two voices whispering quietly around me talking about math and then the
conversation switched.

“Has he been asleep long you think?” Pat asked quietly.

“Yeah I’m pretty sure he’s been asleep since before I got home. It was dumb of
him to try and go to school today,” Will answered him, “Hey can you help me
find x here?”

“Yeah. I also gave him a cigarette. I wasn’t really thinking about it at the
time but it probably wasn’t a good idea,” Pat answered him, “Here, now you want
to take well if 3x+23y=-4 you need to apply -23y to each side and 23y-23y would
be 0, right?”

“Yeah,” Will answered.

“Ok so what would -23y be added to -4?” Pat said.

“Huh, not sure that’s right sounds more like it would be 3x=-4 -23y so that
would be like -23y divided by 3 and then minus 4 divided by 3 and that would
mean that x is…” they were quiet for a second.

“Yeah that’s right,” Pat said, “You know better than I do so quit asking me to
help you.”

“Just because I’m catching on doesn’t mean I’m better at it then you are,” Will
said as I rolled over stretching.

“Hey Rabbit,” Pat said quietly, “how are you feeling?”

“Still sore and tired,” I answered, “How was school?”

“You didn’t miss much,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “Everyone was worried
about you.”

“Who is everyone?” I asked.

“Bunch of random people I don’t even remember their names and then Dick and
Chad actually asked about you and made some comments I don’t care to repeat.
Luke the T.A asked if you got home all right because he heard from Father
Dunbee you weren’t feeling well. Jesus said he thought you’d been in an MMA
fight because your face looks that bad. I told him he should see the other
guy,” Pat said smiling, “You’re the talk of the whole school.”

“Awesome well, Vic said I’m not allowed back in school until Monday,” I
answered.

“And everything else? You’re Da bother you?” He asked me.

“No, no one’s bothered me. I think Da has me strictly on a no bother list for
right now because I haven’t seen any littles at all so…,” I sighed.

“Well, good it means you’re getting rest which you obviously need,” Pat told me
climbing onto the bed next to me, “You feel like you got any sleep?”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “I don’t know it’s just really hard to sleep
sometimes you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Pat said.

Will looked up at us a weird look on his face, “Can I ask you guys a question?”

“Sure,” Pat said, “What’s up?”

“Do, you ever just like get angry about everything?” Will asked.

“All the time,” Pat answered.

“Yeah. I’m angry a lot,” I answered, “I just try to remind myself that it’s not
anyone’s fault really. That I can’t take it out on random people who don’t
deserve to be treated badly.”

“I find it hard to be nice sometimes,” Will said, “I’m sorry if I was ever mean
to you before John, that I didn’t get it. I understand now.”

“It’s ok Will,” I answered, “You think he’s going to come see you tonight?”

Will exhaled deeply looking at his math book like it had become the most
interesting thing in the world, “I know he will.”

“Now see that makes me really mad,” Pat said, “You don’t deserve that. No one
deserves that. Is that why he gave you two different beds? Queen sized beds?”

“I think so,” I answered, “Will? Maybe Mike should sleep with you tonight.”

It seemed like the prefect answer. It would keep Matt from doing things to Mike
and make it less likely for Da to do things to Will if Mike was there because
Mike was under the age Da really seemed to like. Da seemed to prefer Will and I
to anyone else at least when it came to actual intercourse. It seemed like an
answer that might work.

“I don’t know John. Wouldn’t that mean Da would come to you?” Will asked me.

“I don’t know but it’s better than you. I mean if he’s not with me he’s with
you right? That means all weekend he’s with you right?” I asked.

“huh,” Will sighed, “Mostly.”

“What does that mean?” I asked scared.

“He said he’s …John?” Will said and I saw something was seriously wrong.
Something I hadn’t even guessed at because usually Will would tell me just
about anything. I was afraid it was about Cat because Cat seemed to be the only
one that wasn’t being subjected to some type of abuse or wasn’t being prepared
for future abuse.

“It’s Cat, isn’t it?” I asked him.

“I caught him in her room with her. He wasn’t touching her but they were both
naked and he was telling her about different parts. How he’s different from
her, how we’re different from her. He was sitting on her bed her knees pulled
up to her chest looking at them as he spoke. Like she knew it wasn’t ok but she
knew she couldn’t do anything to tell him how uncomfortable she was,” Will told
me.

“Eww,” Pat said.

I laughed lightly, “Babe not helping.”

“Sorry, it’s gross. I don’t know I’ve never dealt with one that touched little
girls before. I know my Dad didn’t for sure. Maybe if he did Karen wouldn’t be
such a bitch,” Pat said laying his head gently in my lap.

“How is she doing by the way?” Will asked.

“Last weekend we went over to the Larkin’ house because she got engaged to
Louis Larkin,” Pat answered me.

“Wait Larkin as in…?” Will interrupted.

“Yes, Teddy’s brother. It’s disgusting and dealing with their mom. Dinner was
not something I really enjoyed considering how crazy she is. Even though I
wasn’t thrilled with Louis either. He’s definitely recruit track. Every time he
got me alone he was skeevy.
I wanted to beat his brains in,” Pat told me.

“What did he say?” Will asked.

“It’s not important,” Pat said sighing against me hugging my legs where his
head was laying.

“Oh,” Will said nodding his head in understanding.

I didn’t know the Larkins well but I had met Susan and she was a piece of work.
I knew Will knew them. He knew Teddy and from what I had heard about him he was
a good kid but a spaz. I guess Louis was the opposite. I sighed wondering if
Karen knew what she was getting into.

“Hey, you ok Rabbit?” Pat asked me rubbing my knee, “Your leg is twitching.”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I’m all right.”

Thinking about recruits had made me think about Chad. Think about how I hadn’t
told Will what had happened. In fact, I hadn’t given anyone any details at all
even though apparently from what I understood Chad had and so had Dick. They
enjoyed sharing that information in order to piss off my friends.

Will probably knew Chad had raped me. Everyone knew he had raped me but I
hadn’t spoken about it. I refused to really address or the fact that every time
I saw Chad I felt like there was a bowling ball in my stomach and I wanted to
pull a cloak of invisibility over my head and just disappear. However, everyone
knew. They could probably see it written on my face whenever he got within
twenty feet of me.

“How did you keep from beating his brains in?” Will asked.

“I honestly don’t know besides after dinner I was slightly busy so,” Pat sighed
into my legs.

“Are you ok?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I smoked some weed after it was all over so I was chilled.
Feels kind of like a dream after I do that. Like my brain remembers it if I
think about it but if I don’t it’s like it didn’t happen or I was watching a
horrible movie where I can recall little bits and pieces but not the whole
picture and nothing intense so…yeah, I smoke a lot of weed,” Pat said.

“Sort of like when you’re a kid and you go away in your head?” Will asked Pat.

“Yeah kind of,” Pat answered, “I don’t know. It doesn’t work as well as that
did but it helps a lot. I can give you guys some next time we hang out if you
want. See if it helps?” He asked Will grabbing my hand and squeezing it.

“Maybe,” Will answered, “I don’t know. I mean, would it really help us? With Da
and all that it’s pretty constant.”

“It might. You never know until you try it,” Pat answered, “It helps me. I mean
I know my situation is a bit different from the one you guys have going on but
since Hunter introduced me to weed I’ve gotten off the coke and K. So that’s
good, right? And I don’t need to drink anymore not that drinking was a huge
problem for me but the weed helps makes me less anxious. It helps me with
attention at school too. Helps me block out things like I said, not really
forget them but makes everything feel kind of foggy and far away.”

“I might try it,” Will answered.

“I will,” I answered, “If you can get me some.”

“Yeah,” Pat answered, “I can get you some Rabbit no problem.”

“Ok I’m not saying I mind but I think it’s weird that you’re laying in his lap.
Usually isn’t it the other way around?” Will asked raising an eyebrow at us.

“Yeah but he has bruised ribs bending and moving isn’t something that is coming
easy for him right now and I want to cuddle so…” Pat said, “That and he has a
huge boner that’s kind of poking me in the back of the head right now and I
figured you didn’t need to see that so…”

“PAT!” I gasped, “He doesn’t need to know that.”

“Chill out we’re teenage boys he’s one too. You could get it up in English
class for catcher in the Rye for no reason other than your body wants to pop
one and let’s face it nothing is hot about English class and Father Dunbee’s
droning monotone voice,” Pat answered laughing.

“True he’s still my little brother though,” I answered shaking my head.

“Yeah, I am your little brother and while I might be early in the game I know
somethings,” Will said smiling, “You two are really great friends since your
using your head to hide his random boner…”

Both Pat and Will started laughing which caused me to laugh, “Dude it’s not
funny!” I insisted.

“Totally is,” Will said, “Dude have you ever just like had it happen in the
middle of nowhere? Like I don’t even have to think about sex. I can be doing
math homework and it happens and it sucks.”

“Oh yeah, the first time I got one I was confused as fuck because I thought
only adult men could do that so then I asked the only person I knew to ask. My
Dad, he then got really excited and then he…” Pat exhaled deeply shaking his
head, “But yeah he explained it was perfectly normal but then he tried to
convince me it was normal to let him “take care of it” for me and just no…”

“Was your Da with you the first time you ever…?” Will started to ask shyly.

“Yeah,” Pat said, “I try not to think about it because it makes me want to
throw up but yeah. What about you Rabbit?”

“Yes,” I answered, “Why have you done that yet?”

We were talking about ejaculation in case anyone hasn’t caught that. In the
brotherhood, it was a common thing that happened your Da helping you achieve
that very first climax and it sucked. It was embarrassing and a very invasive
mind fuck. Will was only 11 at the time so you have to remember his body was
fairly new to puberty while mine wasn’t exactly old but I had about a year or
so more development then he did being around his age the first time I did ever
ejaculate.

Will nodded his head and sighed, “It seems to make him happy.”

“Yeah it does, doesn’t it?” I asked feeling myself turn red remembering those
moments, how happy they had made him. How I had felt like such a horrible
person because my Da was able to make me feel that, react that way.

“Dude, let’s talk about something less depressing,” Pat said, “Have you either
of you actually played Silent Hill yet? Because it came out around the time you
guys left for Montana.”

“I’ve played a little of it. it’s hard to get Matty off the PlayStation but I
try,” Will answered, “Like I’m still literally at the café looking for the
little girl because that’s how much play time I can actually manage to get.”

“I haven’t had a lot of time to really play any games,” I answered, “I don’t
know. I’ve read some Harry Potter Cat and James seem to really like it so…”

“What else have you been doing? You have to be doing something more interesting
with your free time then reading children’s books,” Pat said teasing me.

“Well, in my spare time I’m surrounded by little kids so…I don’t know. I was
spending time playing solitaire online for a while but that’s…” I trailed off.

“Ok Rabbit, man we’re going to have to go like an afterschool get together at
some point, take you swimming or something,” Pat muttered.

“I don’t want to go anywhere near a pool with you two,” Will said, “Not after
last time I saw you two in a pool together.”

“Hey that was a spontaneous welcome back,” Pat said, “You weren’t supposed to
see that. It probably shouldn’t have happened at all.”

“Sure,” Will said coughing, “Are you two like a thing still or…”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“Like are you two still dating or was that like a before Montana thing? Because
from the looks of it you have to be really really close friends or there’s
still some stuff going on there,” Will said shaking his head.

“Hey, I’ll have you know his boner is gone,” Pat said from my lap laughing as
he said it, “Huh, we’re both contracted so that means no touchy but emotionally
I think we’re still kind of in the same place we left off what do you think
Rabbit?”

I sighed looking down at his eyes. His eyes the color of ocean meets sky meets
some type of amazing rock I couldn’t name. His face, the arch of his eyebrows
and his long lashes that accented his eyes making it look almost like he was
wearing eyeliner. Those eyes I could get lost in with that strong chin yet
delicate features that always made me heart jump and stomach flutter. It was
true. We were still together. His hands were the only hands that made me feel
safe, feel loved and wanted for who I was and not for the body I was trapped
in.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head slowly as he smiled biting his lower lip his lip
ring shifting under his teeth. God, I loved him. That’s all I remember thinking
at that point.

“Since I got back Cole has been like so not into me,” Will said glumly, “I
think he’s in love with Tosh.”

“You’re too young anyway,” I answered him not looking up my eyes still on Pat.

“Hey no kissy face!” Will said loudly, “I know I’m young but still it was nice
to have someone to kind of…you know.”

“Wait,” I said looking up at him frowning, “What does that mean?”

“Make out with,” Will answered running a hand through his hair sheepishly,
“What did you think I meant? Just because you’ve gone farther doesn’t mean I
have.”

“We haven’t, not really remember we’ve talked about this,” I told Will.

“Yeah but sometimes I wonder how much you actually tell me,” Will said.

“I tell you more than I tell most people besides Pat and Dom. But Dom is like,
I don’t know he’s my best friend I think,” I said running a hand through Pat’s
hair as he looked up at me.

“Yeah you two are two peas in a pod,” Pat said smiling at me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “It’s easy to talk to him about things. Sometimes we
don’t even have to say something for him to understand. You’re like that too
though at least most of the time.”

“I try,” Pat told me, “I really do. There’s just so much you don’t say
sometimes. Especially about Leo.”

I flinched hearing his name. I didn’t want to think about him or Allan or how I
was off missing school because I had chosen to skip school because I couldn’t
sleep with him so close to me. I couldn’t really rest when I had to share a bed
with him Friday through Sunday. I hated Leo.

“Hey, it’s ok all right?” Pat said sitting up, “You’re all right.”

“I know I just don’t like thinking about him, that,” I answered.

“Sounds about right,” Will said, “I hate Da. I hate that he’s right downstairs.
I hate that he won’t keep his hands to himself because mum isn’t here. I think
that’s why he sent her a way you know?”

“I know,” I answered, “I think you’re right. I mean it’s not like mum could
stop him but he sure hears a lot less “I’m going to take them and leave you” if
she’s not here.”

“Yeah,” Will said, “When she comes back do you think she’ll be ok?”

“I don’t know. Last time I saw her I’m not sure if she didn’t see me or if
she’s so drugged up she didn’t know who I was. So, I guess it just depends.
Those drugs can really do a number on you.” I answered.

“Oh yeah I know,” Will answered.

“I’m worried about what’s going to happen when she gets home. If they actually
brainwashed her enough to make her think the whole thing is in her head or
what,” I said.

“I don’t know,” Pat answered, “I don’t think she’ll be that brainwashed. Maybe
she’ll just feel like there isn’t anything she can do to prevent it. I don’t
know. I hope your mum doesn’t change. I might have never cut back on getting
high if it weren’t for her.”

“What do you mean?” I asked frowning.

“Well she said she didn’t want me and Cole around if we were going to be high
all the time. So, I started cutting back because I wanted to hang out with you.
That and she wouldn’t have let me anywhere near your younger brothers and
sisters wasted off my ass so again. Another reason to just not do drugs or not
do as many of them. So, while I think some of the stuff she said when she found
out we were kind of…having feelings for each other were totally uncalled for I
think your mom is awesome,” Pat told me.

“I’ll let her know when she comes home,” I told him, “Is it weird that I’m
tired?”

“No considering you were an idiot earlier,” Will answered.

“Don’t tell your brother he’s an idiot just because he decided that going to
school with bruised ribs and a black and blue face was a good idea,” Pat said
laughing at me from my lap.

“Hey, Vic didn’t tell me I couldn’t go. He said he was going to show up and
when he didn’t I thought that meant I was fine,” I insisted.

“No, it meant someone else got beat up worse than you did and he needed to be
there for them,” Pat said, “Not that you were in the clear to go to school.”

“Maybe it’s time for Pat to go home and you to take a nap?” Will asked.

“I don’t want him to leave yet,” I answered.

“Well, I think dinner is just about ready so I’m going to go eat. If Pat wants
to come with me and bring you some food he can but I think after that he’s
supposed to go home anyway,” Will said.

“Yeah,” Pat said kissing my head as he got up, “I’ll be back with food all
right?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head.

I did feel really tired even more tired now that he had left the room. I don’t
know I just felt beaten. Which I was. I just wanted him against my skin to feel
his hand resting on my back rubbing my shoulders massaging away my pain. When
he came back in he was caring a plate of rice and Salmon. I ate it slowly not
really feeling hungry and ended up full with half the food still on my plate.

“Rabbit, you need to finish this,” Pat said picking up my fork and trying to
feed me another fork full.

“No, I’m not hungry now,” I answered.

“Please?” Pat said, “Please Rabbit you don’t eat enough. You know you don’t eat
enough.”

“I eat just fine. Pat, you worry too much. At least I don’t look like Dom. Did
you see him when we were at the Villa like two weeks ago? You could count every
single one of his ribs it was scary looking.” I mumbled.

“How often do you look in the mirror Rabbit? You can count yours too,” Pat said
looking at me.

“You cannot. I am not that skinny,” I answered.

“You are so,” he said putting my plate down on the side table next to us before
he lifted up my shirt, I can count them see right here, one…” he ran a hand
over my ribs as he counted out loud before he stopped looking at me his mouth
slightly open.

“What?” I asked confused as he laid down beside me lifting up my right arm his
lips brushing against the bruises on my ribs there making my body jump
slightly, “You shouldn’t do that.”

“Why?” He asked me doing it again smiling up at me as he brought his face level
with mine, “You don’t want me to?”

“No, you shouldn’t because I do want you do,” I sighed running a hand through
my hair.

“You do?” He asked me.

“Mhm,” I said as he did it again stealing the ability to speak from me.

It felt so good to have his mouth against my skin even if it wasn’t anyplace
forbidden. The act itself being forbidden enough. His touches and kisses
stealing my breath as his lips tickled my skin, his tongue bouncing as it
licked up each rib. He pulled my shirt up over my head and off of my body.

I almost moaned out loud biting my lip to keep the noise from escaping. It felt
so good. So much better than any of them. So much warmer and softer.

It felt like love. Love wrapping me in a blanket coating my skin in feathers
and rainbows. Love floating along my skin and finding its way underneath it and
into my body. After a minute, he stopped leveling his face even with mine again
kissing me his tongue rolling across mine.

We kissed like that for a while his hand on my hip rubbing up and down my side
the warmth making me feel comfortable with my skin being touched like his hands
always made me feel. I knew that we shouldn’t be doing it. That it was wrong
but I didn’t care.

I wanted him to touch me, I wanted to put my hands down his pants. I wanted to
make him breathless as he moaned my name in ecstasy but I didn’t. After a while
we broke apart satisfied for the moment with what we had allowed ourselves to
do.

“Are you ok?” He asked me quietly rubbing my temple and running his hand
through my hair gently.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “Tired but yeah I’m ok? You?”

“I’m great,” he said candidly, “I think I have to leave soon though.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “I wish you didn’t have to.”

“Me too,” he answered sighing, “But I’ll get to see you again tomorrow evening
and then on Monday morning at school. You’ll be ok, right? Are you heading over
to Leo’s this weekend?”

“Vic says he thinks so,” I answered barely above a whisper.

We were keeping our voices low probably because even though he was allowed over
if we stayed quiet we were less likely to draw attention or so we thought. I
didn’t have a shirt on while he was laying next to me both of us a little
flushed very obvious we had been making out which was something we weren’t
supposed to be doing. Something we weren’t allowed to do unless we wanted to
risk our lives.

“They’re still going to make you go even with you beat to shit?” Pat asked me
raising an eyebrow at me worried.

“Yeah it seems like it. I don’t want to go,” I answered, “I don’t want to …”

“I know,” Pat said, “I realize. Like me and Gus. It’s not something I want. I
know what it’s like you know that right?”

“He doesn’t make you sleep next to him,” I said quietly.

Pat pursed his lips in thought for a minute that pout looking beyond kissable
as his brow furrowed as if he were thinking deeply, “No,” Pat answered, “But
having to sleep in Leo’s bed beats those cots at the Villa or a dirty mattress
on a basement floor. I know it’s hard Rabbit. I know that he makes it so you
can’t sleep and I hate him for that. For all of the stuff he does to you but
I’m thankful he doesn’t do this to you,” Pat said touching my bruises.

“No, he just let someone else do it,” I answered.

“I know he did,” Pat sighed closing his eyes pressing his forehead to mine,
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I got you into so much trouble. I feel like this is all
my fault.”

“No, it’s mine and Da he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get why I’m so tired why
it’s so hard to sleep. He doesn’t understand what they do to me. That it’s
worse it’s, so much worse when they don’t hurt and I don’t understand why they
can’t see that,” I said quietly.

“I don’t know. I haven’t ever really had anyone be like that with me other than
a handful of times when I’ve been with your Dad,” Pat said, “I can’t imagine
how it feels to have them do those things. It has to be horrible.”

I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I was ready to share it but I knew if I could
trust anyone with my secrets it was him. It was always him so I swallowed, “Leo
takes rods and he shoves them up…”

“What?” Pat asked sitting up so quickly it startled me, “He shoves rods up your
ass?”

“No,” I said shaking my head, “Not my ass up my dick.”

“How?” Pat asked.

“I don’t know. But I know it hurts. It hurts but it doesn’t hurt and then it’s
uncomfortable. It really fucking hurts. I don’t like it when he does that,” I
said quietly folding in on myself thinking that Pat would think I was gross.

That I was some freak because someone had shoved something inside a part of me
where things didn’t belong. The way it made my brain feel like it was being
ripped from my body and stomped to death made me feel like a freak. The fact
that my body would respond to something so weird, get pleasure from it made me
feel sick to my stomach with shame.

Pat was silent as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders wrapping himself
around the ball I had pulled myself into, “It’s ok Rabbit, it’s ok. I don’t
have any idea what that is and have never heard of it before but it sounds
really painful. And I’m sorry he would do something like that to you.”

“You don’t think I’m gross?” I asked.

“No,” Pat shook his head furiously, “No absolutely not. You’re not asking for
him to do that to you, and you obviously don’t like it. You’re the farthest
things from gross I’ve ever met Rabbit. You’re sweet and honest and kind.
Anything but gross. I wish you didn’t have to go see him Friday. I have never
even heard of anything like that. Does your Da know?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m contracted to Leo,” I answered.

“I’m not sure your Da would put something like that in the contract,” Pat said,
“If it’s not in the contract you’re Da can break it. If you talk to him about
it if you let him know Leo is doing that and it’s not named in the contract he
can pull you out of it.”

“He won’t,” I replied, “Vic says my Da gave me to Leo so that I would…be
grateful that he doesn’t do stuff like that to me.”

“Maybe, either way it’s sick,” Pat said, “Your Dad is sick. That he would do
that to you. Let someone do that to you. I hate your Dad.”

“Me too,” I answered, “You really have to go?”

“Yeah Rabbit I have to go but I’ll see you tomorrow after school ok?” Pat said
kissing my forehead as he stood up grabbing my half empty plate, “Please try to
eat tomorrow ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I love you.”

“I love you too Rabbit,” Pat said sighing. He shut the door quietly on his way
out.

No one came into my room that night. I just kind of slept for the longest time
until someone came stomping into my room turning the light on, blinding me.
Making me roll over and moan burying my face in the pillow.

“Can you tell me why Mike isn’t sleeping in his own room in his own room?” Da
asked me, “I get up here to spent some time with Will and I find Mike sleeping
in bed with him. Can you tell me why that is?”

“Matt is touching him at night,” I answered, “He doesn’t want to be touched.”
 
“Yeah well who am I supposed to touch then? How am I going to get my needs met?
Unless of course you want me to touch them both,” Da said climbing into bed
next to me as I felt his hardness against my back realizing he was naked,
“Unless I can make you feel good instead.”

“I’m sore,” I answered.

“Yeah and you wouldn’t be sore if you didn’t like skipping school so much.
Maybe you should show me how sorry you are for not behaving yourself,” he said
his hands sliding around me as I laid there frozen on my back his one arm
circling me grabbing my hip.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to stop him as he started
pulling my pants down as I squinted my eyes shut tight and he started kissing
my neck. I didn’t want him touching me like this, didn’t want to feel his
pelvis pressed against mine, his hardness pushing against my legs as he licked
my nipples causing my body to shudder in response.

“Yeah?” He whispered his words tickling my right nipple as he lips moved and my
breathing started to become heavy. My body starting to respond to his touches
as his one hand dug into my hip and his other pushed my wrists above my head.

I knew I was frozen. That I couldn’t move, that I probably shouldn’t anyway. My
eyes probably wide and startled as I struggled to keep breathing. Wishing I
could control my response to him, wishing it wasn’t so easy for him to see my
physical reaction to it.

His kisses kept going lower and lower until that wetness surrounded me making
me inhale sharply making a squeaking sound. I didn’t want him doing that. The
warm wetness of his mouth overwhelming me completely my penis immediately
becoming fully erect.

“Nice,” he said as I started dripping.

“Da,” I whimpered before I could stop myself, before I could bite back my
protest. I didn’t want him to but I knew I wasn’t allowed to protest. I wasn’t
allowed to say those words. Biting into my lip to silence myself as I felt his
cold fingers press against my butt looking for the way inside me, looking to
stretch me out.

My head started to tingle. My body starting to let go. It made it hard to fight
off orgasm the heat pooling in my groin the pressure growing as I shook my head
back and forth trying to will the feeling away. It got too intense the chills
running up and down my spine as he pulled me out of his mouth sliding his
tongue along the most sensitive part of my dick making me finally lose control
my whole body trembling uncontrollably as I orgasmed. He only pulled away when
I was done coming, kissing my cheek.

“Yeah? You like that my good boy?” He asked me, “No, no open your eyes baby.”

I opened my eyes looking at him. He looked happy, like he was enjoying
everything. Like he enjoyed the fact that he could make me orgasm like he
enjoyed sucking me off and feeling my body spasm under him. His eyes looked
dark but entertained.

“You want to help me feel good now baby?” He asked me to push my legs apart
pushing my knees up to my chest.

I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to push him away but knew I couldn’t. So, I
swallowed closing my eyes again. Willing him to go away, to not invade my body.

“No, no look at me baby.” He muttered. “Let me see those pretty eyes.”

He pushed inside of me causing me to gasp my knees shaking as he started down
at me not breaking eye contact with me and he laughed lightly, “Your eyes just
went so wide does it feel good? Does it feel good to be my little cum bucket?
You want all of my cum don’t you baby? Want to be filled by me.”

I started to grow hard again. I wanted to fight and I struggled a little bit
squirming. I didn’t want it. I was ashamed of it. Ashamed that I couldn’t
control my body that it was giving him what he wanted.

“No, no, no,” he said shaking his head at me running a hand through my hair,
“nice and still until we’re ready otherwise I’ll come too soon. I want us to
come together ok?”

“Da,” I barely managed before I started sobbing, “P---pl----please.”

“I know baby,” he said, “I know you want this just as much as I do but we have
to go nice and slow, all right? I don’t want to hurt you.”

He rolled his hips burying himself balls deep inside me before he slowly pulled
out causing my head to roll back, “No, no baby none of that look right at me.
Look into my eyes as I fill you.”

My whole body was shaking. He made me look at his face the whole time
whispering things to me things about how he was going to make cum harder than
Leo did. Telling me how I felt so good, so tight. He made me hold eye contact
with him while I felt his balls slapping against my back side as he picked up
his pace. He didn’t let me close my eyes until his threw his head back starting
to come inside me. My whole body relented to him, my back arching and eyes
rolling as I came around him gasping and shuddering.

“Good boy,” he mumbled kissing my ear lobe as he finally caught his breath,
“That’s my baby.”

I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to have to look
him in the face after that. While I felt his cum sliding down the back of my
thighs and onto my bed covers underneath us.

“Let me get up and turn off the light and we’ll go to sleep huh baby?’ He said
and I nodded my head without opening my eyes.

He curled himself around me pulling me into his chest making me feel sick to my
stomach. I felt gross and dirty I wanted him to let me go but I knew he
wouldn’t. I also knew better than to try and push him away. I ended up falling
asleep out of pure exhaustion at some point and only woke up when I felt a hand
brushing against my thigh startling me awake.

“Should I take of this morning wood for you baby?” He asked me his hand
wrapping around my cock starting to touch me.

I moaned before I could stop myself still half asleep. I didn’t want him to but
I knew better than to tell him to stop or that I didn’t want it. He rubbed me
lightly his hands somehow finding all the right angles to make me start panting
as I tried to stop my body from giving in to his touching, from reaching
orgasm.

“No no baby don’t fight it. Just let it happen,” he said as he kept stroking
nice and slow making my lip tremble as I tried to keep myself from whimpering.

I closed my eyes as he touched me, him bringing me to orgasm. When he was done
he shoved his fingers inside of me from behind and I figured he was going to
make me have sex with him. That he was going to push me down into the bed
forcing himself inside of me using my body to make him orgasm. Us my body to
satisfy him when someone knocked quietly on the door. They didn’t wait to open
it busting in after that one knock. Will staring at us, his eyes wide, scared.

“Huh…” He mumbled as Da turned to look at him not taking his fingers out of me,
not letting me go.

“Yes Will?” Da asked.

“Laura won’t get dressed so I was wondering if John could help me,” Will said
his eyes wide with fear and worry for me as I could see him trying to remain
calm.

“John’s a little busy Will, if you can’t see,” Da said taking his fingers out
as he moved rubbing the head of his penis against my ass making me close my
eyes so my little brother didn’t have to see the hopelessness there. So, he
didn’t have to see me trying my hardest not to cry.

“Da she won’t get dressed for me. Somedays when she’s being fussy she’ll only
get dressed for John,” Will said making eye contact with the clock on my wall,
“Please Da it’ll be quick. And I thought you had to go to work anyway.”

“I took the day off because your brother needs me, don’t you baby?” He asked
the nape of my neck grabbing my cock again. I made a whimpering noise in the
back of my throat. This was beyond mortifying.

“Oh,” Will answered, “Just for a minute please Da? Just to get Laura dressed
and ready for Alice before she comes.”

“Ok,” Da answered letting me go, “Be good ok baby? Come right back?”

I nodded my head numbly so relieved I couldn’t speak. All I could think of was
getting out of that room if only for a second so I could breathe. We got out
into the hallway Will shutting the door behind us and I slapped my hand over my
mouth to keep from crying.

“Oh god John,” Will said shaking his head, “You’re ok.”

I shook my head. I was not ok. Having him push his body that close against my
back as I struggled to sleep was not ok. Having him inside of me was not ok,
having his hands wrapped around my dick was not ok. I was very very far from ok
and so beyond thankful that Will had given me some freedom if only for a few
minutes.

“Hey, let me get you my robe. I know it’s a little short but at least you won’t
be naked, right?” Will said quietly, calmly grabbing me by the hand and leading
me into his bedroom grabbing his bathrobe off the hook on the inside of his
door and helping me put it on, “Better?”

My hands were still shaking, my whole body was still shaking. I knew I needed
to calm down so I didn’t scare Laura but Da said he had the day off. Made it
sound like he was going to spent it with me like Leo spent days with me. I
didn’t want him touching me like that. Not when tomorrow Leo got to. I felt
like screaming, like crying.

“Hey, you’re ok,” Will said again, “Did he hurt you?”

I couldn’t even look at him I was so ashamed. What was I supposed to say? "No,
he made me cum? He made my eyes roll and made me pant until I wanted to beg for
him to stop but that I knew I wasn’t allowed to so I had kept my mouth shut?"

“Why do you think he did that?” Will questioned me quietly.

“Because I let Mikey spent the night in your bed. I figured it would protect
you both,” I answered, “I don’t like him.”

“I know me neither are you going to be ok?” Will asked me.

“He’s going to spent the day with me,” I answered, “I …he’s never done that
before. Not like Leo. Leo does it all the time.”

“Da can only get it up like three or four times you know that, right?” Will
said as if that idea would give me some relief that he could only cum inside of
me so many times.

“That doesn’t stop him from making me…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence it
being a hard one to even utter in the first place.

“Wait what?” Will asked his eyes widening, “He doesn’t do that to me not like
that. Are you saying he makes you orgasm until you can’t?”

I didn’t answer him trying to calm down, trying to not think about it. I wanted
to just get Laura dressed and then go curl up in a ball and die somewhere so he
couldn’t touch me.

“John?” Will said quietly, “Does he?”

“I don’t want to think about it,” I answered, “I have to deal with him and
tomorrow I have to deal with Leo. I’d rather just not think about it.”

“Pat’s coming this afternoon after school,” Will reminded me, “You said he
makes you feel better.”

“I’d rather slice my skin off right now. He doesn’t even let me shower Will.
So, if we could just please get this done so I can…” I sighed. I didn’t want to
go back in that room where he was waiting for me. Waiting to have sex with me.

“Come on,” Will said as we left his room and walked down the hallway opening up
the nursery door where we found the biggest mess I had ever seen them make.
There were clothes scattered all over the floor mixed in with tiny hot wheels
and Legos, “What did you guys do in here? I was gone for like 5 minutes.”

“You left them out of the cribs?” I asked confused.

“Just Laura those two must have climbed out,” Will commented as we looked at
the 3 toddlers who were staring at us from the floor two of which were dressed
and ready to go and little girl that was wearing only a pull up.

“Ok Fire fly did you decide what you want to wear?” I asked her.

“This!” She said excitedly holding up a bathing suit.

“Huh, can we try something different?” I asked her.

“Ok this,” She said holding up a purple dress.

“Ok we’ll try that. Now you want to put your arms up for me?” I asked her and
she did so.

I pulled the dress over her head, “Do you have to use the potty?” I asked her.

“No, I went,” She told me happily.

“Did you go like a big girl or in your pants?” I asked her.

“Huh,” She stopped her nose wrinkling as she thought about it, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know if you went potty in your pants?” I asked her shaking my head.

“Yeah, I don’t know. I had to go and now I don’t,” she told me.

“Well did you go use the toilet?” I asked her.

“No,” she answered shaking her head back and forth.

“Ok, Will could you…” He put a pull up in my hand, “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Will said, “All right boys let’s get out of here and go play in
the living room and wait for Alice all right?”

“Ok,” Andy said grabbing Will’s hand as he grabbed Mac putting him on his hip
and they started walking away.

“Ok,” I said grabbing the wipes that were on the floor next to me, “Come here
let’s change you just in case ok?”

“Ok,” she said nodding her head laying down and grabbing a toy.

I pulled off her pull up but she was clean. I was pleasantly surprised. She was
a girl so she was going easier with the training then Mac and Andy were but
still she was young and sometimes had accidents. I sighed giving her a fresh
pull up and putting it on.
“Ok, fire fly now you have to tell Alice when you have to go potty so you can
use the big girl pot ok?” I told her.

“Ok, you play tea today?” She asked me.

“No Fire fly I got other stuff I have to do. I don’t feel good,” I answered
kissing her forehead as she climbed into my lap.

“But you stay home so you can play?” She asked me again.

“No, I stayed home to sleep. I have a booboo,” I answered.

“On your nose?” She asked me touching my black eyes lightly.

“Yes,” I answered grabbing her hands and gently pulling them away from my face
before she started to accidentally hurt me.

“Will it be forever?” She asked me.

“No, not forever. Just a couple days all right?” I told her.

“Ok then you play tea?” She asked me.

“I’ll find time. I get busy you know,” I told her.

“You busy a lot,” she answered.

“I know,” I responded.

“You play tea soon and then we have princess tea,” she told me.

“Ok I can do that,” I answered nodding my head.

Princess tea was tea party with dress up. She and Cat had crowns they would put
on and beautiful dresses and they would make me wear while we sat and drank
juice from their fancy play china that was only used for princess tea. I sighed
not knowing when we would have the chance as I kissed her forehead again.

“I have to go,” I said standing up, “You’ll be good for Alice, right?”

“Yes, I love Alice,” Laura answered me, “I love you too.”

“I love you too fire fly. I have some stuff I have to do today be good,” I told
her as I walked away back down the hall to my bedroom.

My Da was still in bed stroking himself waiting for me. I didn’t want to be
back in this room with him didn’t. I didn’t want him touching me, telling me
those things that made me feel like a slut. Telling me that I wanted it, that
he was going to make me feel good even when I didn’t want him to.

“Come here baby,” he said as he stopped stroking himself opening his arms to
embrace me.

I reluctantly approached him and he rolled over pinning me to the bed
underneath him.

“I see your brother gave you his bathrobe?” He asked me causing me to notice
the small blue robe that barely covered my lower thighs and I sighed and
nodded, “You’re so quiet.”

“I am?” I asked not able to look him in the face.

“Yeah, you’re always so quiet since you got back. What did your mum do to you
while you were gone?” He asked me.

“Nothing Da,” I answered, “I just don’t have a lot to say.”

“Why not though? You’re amazing but you’re more than just a perfect body with
an insanely tight ass and great tasting juice you have a brain. What’s going on
inside it?” He asked me cupping my cheek with his hand as he straddled me his
knees pressing into my hips from the outside.

He started caressing my chest and collar bones as he kissed and nibbled my ear
lobe. I closed my eyes trying to shut it out, shut out the way my body was
starting to tingle, respond to his touch. I didn’t want this. I clenched my
eyes shut keeping my eyes closed because I knew if I opened them he’d see my
crying and he’d get angry.

“What does it feel like?” He asked me barely a whisper, “when I do this,” He
ran his index finger over one of my nipples, “Tell me.”

“Makes it hard to breathe,” I answered.

“In a good way?” He asked starting to pinch it lightly.

“Da please,” I shook my head.

“I just want to make you feel good baby. Make you ready to take me so I can
fill you,” he answered rolling off of me pulling me over so I was laying on my
side his kisses moving across my neck and chest from one side to the other.

I still didn’t open my eyes trying to focus on just breathing because it hurt.
My chest felt heavy and every breath burned as I tried not to cry. As I tried
not to protest or push him away because I knew I wasn’t allowed to. That he
would be angry if I did.

He pressed his lips to mine suddenly surprising me, his tongue sliding into my
mouth feeling around inside of it like a slimy slug trying to worm its way down
my throat. I didn’t want him kissing me like that.

“Kiss me,” he said after pulling away for just a second so he could look at me
closely.

“I did,” I answered because it wasn’t like I had stopped him. I had allowed his
tongue into my mouth allowed him to explore it, to prod the inside of my mouth
gently with his tongue, I hadn’t pushed him away.

“No, you let me kiss you. That doesn’t mean you were kissing back baby,” he
muttered into my neck where he started biting and kissing lightly making me
tense even more. His hand started rubbing up and down my spine, “Kiss me back.
Unless of course you want me to go outside and get Will before he gets on the
bus. I could always call school tell them he’s not coming in today.”

“No, you don’t have to do that,” I answered sighing heavily.

He wanted me to be responsive, to roll my tongue across his has he hands
stroked my hips and back. As his hands spread that cold fire through my body
that made me want to peel my skin off, to be outside of myself. To be anywhere
else but where I was.
“Yeah, you promise?” He asked me, “Because I just want to make you feel good.
You know that, right?”

“I promise,” I answered quietly not looking at him.

I didn’t want to do this with him. To spend the day with him. To have him do
that to me, making me do that. But I wasn’t going to let him do it to Will.

I wasn’t going to let Da take him out of school to do it. It was hell. It was
hell having him touch me but I couldn’t subject my siblings to that same hell.
I would do anything I could to stop them from having to deal with it even if
that meant I had to let him do it to me instead.

“Good, hey let’s get downstairs before Alice gets here all right? Mike Matt and
James should be leaving for school soon so just wear your brothers robe down to
the 3rd floor suite for me baby ok?” He said standing up and looking at his
dirty clothes on the floor before he sighed grabbing his jeans and sliding them
on leaving the rest of his clothes there, “I’ll be down in a little bit. Don’t
start without me ok?”

I sighed and nodded my head as he took my hand helping me out of my bed. His
hands slid under the bottom of the robe squeezing my bare ass. I froze taking a
deep breath this wasn’t ok.

He laughed, “Oh god the look on your face, so beautiful. I love it when you get
that look on your face. When your eyes go big like that.” he kissed my cheek,
“Go on baby. I’ll be done in a little bit.”

I nodded my head again and opened my bedroom door going to the elevator and
pushing the button. I didn’t want to do this. But I wasn’t going to let him do
it to anyone else. I felt disgusting. Knowing that he was about to have sex
with me again. That he hadn’t let me clean off the things we did the night
before and he was about to do more stuff like that. I felt dirty. Folding my
arms across my chest as I waited for the lift to open to let me go down to the
3rd floor.

“John?” I heard a sleepy voice asked and turned around to see James standing
there his button up only half way buttoned as he came down the hall towards me,
“Are you ok?”

“Yeah bud I’m fine,” I answered probably not at all convincing him I was ok.

“I thought you were sick,” James told me.

“I am bud I just need to go downstairs for something,” I answered numbly, “Get
dressed and be good for Alice when she gets here and gets you to the bus ok?”

“Is it Da?” He asked me.

“Bud, just go and finish getting dressed,” I said quietly.

“He’s hurting you, isn’t he?” James said, “Can I ask something?”

“I’m not sure bud,” I answered.

“Mr. Lord tickles sometimes,” he said quietly his eyes wide staring at nothing,
“He says it’s supposed to feel good but it doesn’t. Does Da do that to you?”

“huh,” I wasn’t sure how to answer. My mind completely shot. I didn’t want to
have to talk about it at that moment. Because I had to do it. I had to go
downstairs and do it. My brain didn’t want to focus on it, to process those
feelings.

“Bud,” I said looking at him for the first time since he started talking to me,
“Don’t think about them ok? Just have a good day at school. I know it’s hard to
not think about it but you should let yourself forget it, try to be happy.”

“You’re so sad,” James said suddenly as the door opened.

Alice was standing there her eyes going wide as she saw how short the bathrobe
I was wearing was, making me blush. It felt very naked. It was one thing to be
almost naked in front of my brothers and sisters or even in front of my friends
who were stuck in the same situation I was in but to be almost naked in front
of Alice was mortifying.

“Good morning boys,” she said smiling and then sighing, “Are you bothering your
brother Jamie?”

“No, he’s just sad, I want to know why,” James said.

“I’m sure he’s just tired, aren’t you John?” She asked me giving me a bit of an
out.

“Yeah, I’m just really tired,” I answered.

“Are you putting ice on your face sugar? It will help with the swelling,” she
said grabbing my chin gently pulling my face down so she could look at my eyes
and nose.

“Huh, kind of?” I answered.

The truth was I really hadn’t been. The second bag of ice I had gotten Pat had
taken off of my face and put against my ribs. I knew she was right and Vic had
told me to make sure I was icing both my face and my chest to make sure the
swelling went down but I had been too tired to really follow through.

“Come with me,” She said letting go of my chin and grabbing my hand as James
followed us, “Jamie finish getting yourself dressed please.”

“Ok I’ll be back,” he said running down the hallway back to his room.

“I don’t know where you are going sugar but I’m going to give you some ice. I
want you to keep it on your face all right?” She said to me.

“All right,” I answered, “I’m supposed to be going downstairs though.”

“Dressed like that?” She asked me and I shrugged my shoulders.

What was I supposed to say, “Hey don’t mind the fact that I’m naked my Da wants
me to go downstairs so he can rape me in peace?” I had no idea what to say to
that. I was scared and I was dreading the fact that he was going to touch me.
She walked into the kitchen still holding my hand and I stopped at the island.

“You got something you want to tell me sugar?” She asked me.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. To tell her that he was
staying home from work so he could fuck me that that’s why I was basically
naked and heading down stairs.

She handed me the bag of ice, “Your face is red something wrong?”

“I can’t…” I said shaking my head.

“All right, it’s one of those things where I have to look the other way?” She
asked me and I nodded my head.

“Ok,” she responded, “Take care of yourself now. Keep that ice on your face
it’ll help it feel better.”

“Alice,” I said quietly causing her turn around.

“Yes?” She asked me.

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

“You’re welcome,” she answered as I turned and walked away holding the bag of
ice to the bridge of my nose.

I went back down the hallway to the lift and got into it going down to the 3rd
floor. When I got to the room I went into the bathroom closing the door and
leaning against it to keep it closed to allow myself to breathe. To try and
calm myself down before he touched me again before he made me make out with
him.

When I heard the door open I stood up opening up the bathroom door going back
out into the bedroom and I sat down on the bed. I just tried to focus on my
breathing as he turned around taking off his pants and setting them in a chair
on the other side of the room closing my eyes when he looked at me to try and
keep myself calm.

“You don’t want to take off the robe? Want me to do it?” He asked me coming up
to me. I could feel his breath on my face as he leaned down burying his nose in
the top of my head smelling my hair has his hands went to the robe belt untying
it and letting it fall open.

His lips met mine and I opened my mouth letting him kiss me my tongue tapping
his, kissing back as he used his body to force me to lay down. His hands
finding my hips.

“Does it feel good?” He asked me breaking the kiss, his hands brushing my skin
gently.

He waited for a response from me and I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t want
to talk to him. I didn’t want to give him feedback on how he was making my skin
crawl.

“Not going to answer me?” He asked, “Your eyes are wide so I’m assuming it
doesn’t feel bad.” He said kissing my neck again as he shifted so he was on his
knees his hand reaching in-between us.

I grabbed his hand. I didn’t want him touching me there. I didn’t want him
touching me at all.

“No, no no,” Da said shaking his head, “You’re all right baby. I’m just going
to make you feel good.”

“Please,” I begged biting my lip making sure I didn’t say the words no or
don’t.

“You’re all right,” he said, “I know you’re hurt. I just want to make it feel
better ok baby? You’re my special boy. I’d never hurt you.”

He kept kissing down my chest biting and teasing my nipples making me gasp
making my back arch involuntarily as I bit back a moan that still managed to
half escape.

“Yeah?” He asked his tongue gliding over my belly button, “That’s why I brought
you down here you know? So, you can make all the sounds you want because I love
your sounds.”

His mouth went around me making me gasps sharply. I wanted to push him away but
instead I grabbed the sheets next to me. The sensation was overwhelming making
me whimper. He stopped for just a second.

“Yeah that feels good, right? God you’re so sweet. You feel so warm baby,” he
said rubbing me.

“No,” I whimpered shaking my head, “NO Please.”

He grabbed me hard by the chin yanking my face down hard so I was looking
directly into his eyes the anger very evident there, “Don’t say that again. You
get one warning if you say that again you won’t be happy. I don’t care how sore
you already are you understand me?”

I nodded my head and he let go of my face kissing my tip before he took it back
into his mouth. I hated the cold chill that spread up my spine as he sucked and
licked. I slammed my hand over my mouth squeezing my face to try and keep
myself from screaming out because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of
hearing me whine, hearing me scream.

It got hard to breathe after a while. My body flooded with endorphins my heart
pounding in my ears as the blood rushed down my body. I felt my eyes starting
to roll. I knew I was getting ready to orgasm for him and I didn’t want to. I
wanted to fight him but it was so hard. My whole body frozen before it started
to shudder even my teeth chattering as I could no longer hold back releasing
like a dam breaking.

When he was done with he lifted my legs his tongue finding itself deep inside
my asshole causing me to moan to which he laughed against my skin, “Yeah baby?”
He said putting his fingers in his mouth wetting them before he pushed them
into me starting to move them in and out taking my dick back in his mouth.

“Shit,” I muttered as my brain stopped working. Every single cell in my body
twitching, reacting to his mouth, and his fingers as he touched me. He caused
me to go hard again almost immediately his fingers hitting that spot just right
causing me to moan loudly despite myself.

I didn’t want it to feel good. I didn’t want my body to give that to him but it
was. Every cell vibrating with that static until I lost my voice. He climbed on
top of me using me until he climaxed and then continuing to touch me, to make
me squirm until I was climaxing dry my whole body shaking me unable to speak or
move.

“That’s my good boy,” He moaned into my ear as he climbed on top of me again,
“Yeah? Feels good, doesn’t it? You going to come hard for me again one more
time? Cum for me as I fill you? Fill you like the good little cum bucket that
you are? My cum bucket. Anyone ever make you this dry before? I bet not. I bet
Leo hasn’t even done this. Such a sweet boy. God, you feel so good so tight,”
he breathed into my skin his thrust picking up. His words made me feel
disgusting and dirty as they faded away into the nothing. Until the only other
sound I could hear over the beating of my own heart was the sound of his body
slapping hard against mine.

When I felt my body tense he climaxed again coming inside of me hard the cum
running down my thighs as he pulled out rolling over to lay beside me. I felt
like I couldn’t have moved even if I wanted to. My legs felt weak and I was
covered in a thin sheen of sweat. I was beyond tired but knew that I wouldn’t
sleep. That I didn’t deserve sleep.

That I didn’t have the right to relax covered in his sweat and spit and cum and
covered in my own sweat and climax. Covered in the product of our acts. He
pulled me close holding me to his chest in away where I couldn’t move as he
kissed the nape of my neck whispering how I was such a good boy, how I was his
special boy.

He fell asleep. I don’t know how long he slept for but, it had to have been for
a while. The next thing I remember was him grabbing my neck forcing me to turn
my head in a way that hurt. He forced his tongue into my mouth again making it
hard for me to breathe when the alarm on his watch went off making him break
the kiss.

“It’s 2:30 your friend will be here soon,” he said, “Should I stay? Maybe he
can play with us?”

I didn’t even respond. I didn’t move. I didn’t want to have to speak to him. I
didn’t want to look at him. All I wanted to do was shower. Scrub my skin off.
That way maybe I wouldn’t be able to feel him touching me anymore. Maybe I
wouldn’t be able to feel his lips against my skin or feel his mouth on me. I
didn’t want to ever feel anything ever again.

I sighed, “Can I go shower?” I asked numbly.

“Why are you ashamed of us? See, I know you say he’s not your boyfriend but I
have this feeling you might be lying. I want him to smell me on you. I want him
to know that you’re mine. So, no. You can’t shower. And when I come see you
tonight, I want to fuck you so hard you scream so stay down here all right?”

I gulped. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want him to touch me again. I didn’t want
anyone to touch me again. Not ever. Not after that. I looked at the balcony as
he pulled up his pants getting up and then he cleared his throat.

“On second thought, I don’t want you to get any ideas,” Da said sighing handing
me Will’s Robe to put on, “So I’ll walk you back upstairs all right baby?”

“I can go on my own,” I answered.

“Playing hard to get?” He asked pushing me down on the bed kissing my neck like
he was going to rape me again.

I squeezed my eyes shut and started panting just hoping whatever he was doing
it would be quick, that he would get it over with. He put his hand on my chest
and he licked and bit my neck softly moaning as he heard a phone go off in his
office.

“Damn it,” he sighed, “Ok fine, go upstairs, all right?”

I just nodded my head. He climbed off of me and I sighed heavily waiting for my
body to stop trembling, waiting for my legs to feel stable. I didn’t want him
touching me. I wanted to be able to breathe and I felt like I couldn’t.

“Come on, upstairs,” he said looking at me waiting for me to put the robe on
and tie and it shut.

I stood up and walked out of the room as he held the door open and he walked me
to the lift pressing the button and waiting for me to get inside before he
walked down the hall. The door shut and I got upstairs practically running to
my room before I broke down pulling the covers up over my head and burying my
face in my pillow so I could scream. I hated not being able to shower
afterwards. I hated that my Da did that to me. Made me filthy and then didn’t
let me get it off of my skin.

I laid there and screamed into my pillow until I couldn’t scream anymore. Until
I was just a whimpering mess curled in on myself. I heard my door open and
hoped to god it wasn’t my Da. That he wasn’t coming back to touch me more. I
just wanted to be left alone completely forgetting Pat was supposed to come
over.

“Rabbit?” I heard Pat say quietly and I whimpered already starting to cry,
“Rabbit what’s wrong? What happened?” He questioned the bed shifting as he came
around the foot of it climbing onto it in front of me so I could see him.

“I don’t want to anymore,” I barely managed to mumble, “I don’t want to. I
don’t want them to …anymore.”

“Oh, my poor Rabbit,” Pat said touching my cheek as I threw my arms around him
burying my head into his chest screaming.

“Please, I don’t want to feel them anymore. I don’t want it. I want them to
stop. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.”

“I know babe,” he said running a hand through my hair, “I know, you’re ok now
though you’re ok.”

“He made me kiss him,” I said quietly after I had quit screaming, “He won’t let
me shower. He said he wants you to smell him on me. It feels sticky. It’s so
sticky all over and I just I don’t want…” I started scratching at my arm and he
grabbed my hands.

“Hey, hey,” he said quietly, “You need to calm down ok? You have to be nice to
yourself because no one else is nice to you ok? No one is going to hurt you
while I’m with you and that includes you all right Rabbit? Shhh…it’s all right
…. Shhh…” he said holding me rocking me.

I heard a noise that made me twitch. I wasn’t facing the door and felt like
screaming like someone was going to hurt me. I felt like Pat was my life line
and I was trying desperately to hold on. That my sanity was slipping away and I
couldn’t hold on tight enough.

“John are you ok?” I heard James say.

“Huh, hi bud John’s not feeling well,” Pat answered him quietly.

“Don’t let him touch me,” I whispered to him and Pat nodded his head looking at
James.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, “Can I give him a hug and make him feel better?”

“I wouldn’t. He’s not feeling good. He doesn’t want to be touched right now,”
Pat answered.

“But you’re touching him,” James said sounding confused.

“Yeah but do you ever feel like you don’t want to be touched?” He asked James.

“Yeah but you’re touching him,” James said again. I cleared my throat and
rolled over to look at him carefully, “You look so sad are you sure you’re just
sick? You don’t scream like that unless you’re really really sad.”

“You know the question you asked me before school? If Da ever makes me…” I
stopped having to close my eyes and push the feeling away from my skin focus on
Pat and how his hand was still in my hair how he was still hugging me, “You
know how you said Mr. Lord makes you tickle but it doesn’t feel good and you
asked me if Da ever does that?”

“Yeah,” he answered me quietly.

“He does and when he’s done I can…I can still feel it. So…so I don’t like being
touched,” I finished.

“Just breathe Rabbit. Just breathe. It’s me. I’m right here you’re safe ok?”
Pat said in response to my body language and the fact that I had almost started
wheezing and hyperventilating.

“So, Da hurt you?” He asked me and I couldn’t look at him anymore. And I rolled
over burying my face in Pat’s chest again.

“Bud, he’s just really tired,” Pat said quietly, “Can you leave us here?”

“Yeah,” James answered.

“Thanks,” Pat said, “Can you shut the door behind you please?”

I heard the door shut quietly. I felt so weak and stupid and dirty. I couldn’t
even face my little brother because my skin wouldn’t stop crawling, stop
tingling. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t even protect myself let alone
them and that Da was just going to do it again later and then I had to deal
with Leo.

“I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to go to Leo. Shit I don’t want to do
this anymore,” I whimpered.

“Shhh…don’t worry about that right now. Just close your eyes, I’m right here
and nothing bad is going to happen while I’m here ok? No one is going to hurt
you. I swear, not while I’m around,” he said kissing my top of my head and
letting me cry as I tried to calm down.

I don’t know how or when but I managed to cry it out. To calm down enough that
I fell asleep Pat hugging me, holding me.
***** 31 *****
Chapter Summary
     Da forces the boys to cash in the raincheck he asked them for. John
     can't deal with the idea of what he's done. Vic lectures John about
     his health.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 604 to 624 Warnings: Rape/non-con, Underage, Rape-by proxy,
     forced oral, forced anal, forced brother/brother incest, feeding
     tube, eating disorder, mental health issues, self hate, low self
     esteem
The next thing I remember was hearing someone talking.

“How is he doing?” I heard someone whisper.

“I just got him to go to sleep,” Pat answered.

“What happened? He was crying so loud for a while I haven’t seen him do that
since…you know that one time downstairs. James thought John was mad at him
until he explained. Said he couldn’t get the tickle out of his skin. I’m not
even sure what that means.” Will whispered.

“Well,” Pat said heavily, “I just think it’s too much. Between your Da and Leo
he’s just worn down. He usually doesn’t tell me things unless it’s really
bothering him and he can’t take it anymore. He can’t take being used anymore he
just wants to be left alone.”

“What do you mean he doesn’t tell you things unless they’re really bothering
him?” Will asked quietly.

“Well, he said your Da made him kiss him. He has told me other things I don’t
think he would like me repeating because you’re his little brother and they are
kind of private,” Pat whispered to him.

“Wait Da makes John kiss him all the time. I don’t know why that would trigger
a break down,” Will said.

“Well, maybe your Da made him…” I felt Pat motion, “actively kiss?”

“Gross,” Will said, “I don’t know. Da is different with him I know that. I’m
not stupid. But John doesn’t really tell me a lot about it. I just kind of
figured it wasn’t something John was comfortable talking about. He doesn’t talk
about a lot of that stuff you know. Not like you and Cole do. John doesn’t like
hearing about it unless he has to. It really upsets him and he really doesn’t
like talking about it.”

“Yeah well you’re his baby brother. He’s tried so hard to protect you for as
long as you probably remember and probably longer than that. It hurts him to
have the fact that he can’t protect you from them thrown at him even though
that’s not your intention when it comes to discussing it. I know you’re just
looking to vent to try and understand because that’s how you’re mind works but
with him it hurts him. They do some really bad stuff to him that you haven’t
been subjected to yet and I’m pretty sure we’re, as in all of us who are older
than you who care about you, the way we’re supposed to, the normal way, are
hoping you won’t have to ever experience.” Pat answered him.

“He made me make a movie you know? And I’ve been to the parties. What more is
there?” Will asked.

“A lot,” Pat answered simply, “You know that one night when they covered his
eyes and ears and tied him up and they did stuff?”

“Yeah, I remember he shuddered and twitched and every time anyone looked at him
he screamed at us not to touch him,” Will said, “Of course I remember that. It
was scary to see him like that. To see him that scared that he was climbing out
of his skin.”

“They do a lot of stuff like that. What they did to you at the party, they do
that stuff a lot too. Huh, they make people make videos with their friends like
they made John and me. They aren’t very nice not at all. And we’re treated
better than lower ranks. Some lower ranks are kept in cages when they aren’t
being abused when they’re not being raped.” Pat answered, “Apparently they do
other things to him but like I said before I’m not going to repeat. Apparently,
nothing can convince your Da that we aren’t fucking around though even though
we’re not,” Pat mumbled.

“What makes you say that? If he really thought you were doing the nasty with
John he wouldn’t let you come over at all,” Will answered.

“Something John said before he fell asleep,” Pat sighed rubbing my head,
“Something that makes me feel terribly guilty.”

“What was it?” Will asked quietly.

“Your Da won’t let him shower because he wanted me to be able to smell your Da
on him. He said he’s sticky everywhere. He tried to hurt himself. I’m not sure
if it was on purpose or what but he started scratching at his arms again. I had
to stop him,” Pat said.

“Da always makes me shower after, he tells me I stink,” Will told Pat.

“He tells me I shouldn’t be ashamed. That we did nothing wrong, that I should
want to be able to still feel him, smell him,” I mumbled quietly not opening my
eyes.

“How long have you been a wake?” Will asked.

“A couple minutes,” Pat answered.

“How could you tell?” I asked opening my eyes.

“You squeezed me a little tighter,” Pat answered running a hand along the top
of the bath robe.

“Da is weird,” Will said quietly, “Are you going to be ok?”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head into Pat’s chest, “I’m just tired. I can feel him
everywhere still. It’s sticky and I hate it.”

“I know Rabbit, it’s ok,” Pat said.

“Can I get you anything?” Will asked, “Food? A wash cloth? A drink?”

I shook my head in response, “He’d get pissed. He’s …he’s coming back later so
I probably shouldn’t…”

“Shouldn’t wash?” Will asked me and I nodded my head not able to look at him.

I didn’t want to think about it, how sticky I felt. How his tongue had been
literally all over my body, my dick, my ass, my chest and neck and legs. How he
would do it again later. How it would probably be just as painful as it had
been before because he would probably make me come until I was dry again.

“Will?” Pat said quietly, “Can you grab him some clothes maybe?”

“He’s not wearing clothes?” Will asked and I swore even though I wasn’t looking
I could see him raise his eyebrow.

“We’re not doing anything like that. He’s wearing your bath robe ok?” Pat said,
“Just grab him some PJ’s. I think they’re in the bottom drawer.”

“I know where they are,” Will answered opening up the drawer and pulling a pair
of sweat pants and a t-shirt out for me and setting it on the bed.

“Thank you,” Pat said.

“I don’t want him to,” I mumbled thinking about my Da thinking about how he was
going to do things to me again. How I wasn’t going to be able to stop him.

“I know,” Pat said, “It’s ok.”

“No, he’s going to do it again and I don’t want him to. Not with Leo tomorrow,
I have to do it with Leo tomorrow. I can’t deal with him again. Not again, god
fuck! FUCK!” I started hyperventilating.

“Shhh…Shhh…it’s ok Rabbit, it’s ok. You’re all right,” Pat said putting his
lips to my forehead rocking me, “You’re all right. It’s going to be ok.”

“Maybe I should…” Will started to say before I cut him off.

“Don’t you dare!” I hissed.

“Yeah,” Pat agreed, “Don’t do that. He has anti-anxiety pills he can take one.
Just to keep him calm. Not so your Da can…you know but so he’s not dreading it
quite so badly. So, he can numb out a little bit.”

“John, you can’t do this. You’re crawling out of your skin and you have Leo.
You said so yourself. At least he lets me shower it away after he’s done,” Will
said his eyes starting to fill with tears as he wiped them away furiously
trying to hide them, “At least I don’t have to let it sit on my skin. At least
I get to feel clean again.”

“Will, he’s been protecting you his whole life. He would rather die than see
you step up and take his place,” Pat answered.

“He will die if he doesn’t find a way to get a break. You think I don’t know
Leo? You think I haven’t heard things? My friends have older brothers too some
of them older then you. Leo is a nasty piece of work he shoves rods inside
people. I don’t know if he’s done that to…oh god,” Will said, “Oh god John I’m
sorry I didn’t mean to…”

“Hey, hey just breathe,” Pat cooed rubbed my shoulders making me lay on my
side, “Just breathe Rabbit you’re ok. You’re ok,” Pat sighed, “I think he’s
about to have a seizure you need to go tell your Da and have him call Vic ok?”

“That’s why he’s twitching like that?” I heard Will ask but I felt unable to
speak my whole body feeling like it was on fire beyond my control.

“Yeah they can be caused by stress just like problems breathing and other
stuff. He did this before Tosh said and Vic said to keep an eye out for it.
When you mentioned that apparently it hit a nerve a really big one.” Pat
answered.

“I’ll go call Dr. Palmer,” Will said.

“Shhh…. Shhh…Shhh…it’s ok just breathe, you’re all right,” Pat cooed.

Eventually I was able to move my limbs and then I felt like I could speak, “My
head hurts.” I barely managed to mumble trying my voice.

“Hey handsome. I’m sure it does,” he said.

“Why?” I asked., “I mean I could hear everything but I couldn’t move or
anything or speak,” I said.

“You were moving a lot actually it was very hard to explain. Almost like you
were cold but only from like your torso up,” Pat answered me, “You’re face
first lost all color and then kind of flushed. I’ve actually seen that happen
to Flynn before after Justin died. He used to get them sometimes. From what Vic
told me it’s because you have so much anxiety your brain can’t process it so
your body shows the stress physically. Flynn started taking anti-anxiety
medication and it really helped him. It’s like an extreme panic attack which we
know you have because we’ve seen it.”

Just then Will knocked on the door, “I called Vic he said he’s coming but he
wants you to take the pills he gave you so please take the pills John.”

“Yeah he’s going to take one. Can you go get some water?” Pat asked opening up
my night stand drawer where he knew the bottle probably was and pulled it out.

“No babe they make me tired,” I said.

“Yeah well you are beyond exhausted because like you’ve told me before you
don’t sleep with them close to your skin. Because it’s too hard and so I know
for a fact you didn’t sleep last night. You have to be beyond tired which is
probably another reason that just happened. So, you need to take the pill
because I love you and I’m giving it to you. Afterwards I’ll sit here and make
sure everyone leaves you alone until I have to go home ok?” Pat said to me.

“Water,” Will said handing the glass to Pat.

“Here you go open up,” Pat said popping a pill in my mouth and making me
swallow it, giving me the water, “Now we’re just going to sit back and chill
ok?”

Within minutes my brain felt light, almost like it was floating above my body
somehow and everything felt far away and slow. I didn’t fall asleep but I laid
there with him while him and Will talked about things and eventually Vic came
in and even though the conversation was hard to follow Pat and Will asked some
questions about the rods, the metal rods that Leo apparently used with just
about everyone.

He told Pat it was called sounding that usually they used it to give people
piercings but some people used it for sexual things. That the prostate is
sandwiched between the bladder and penis and above the rectum and while you can
give semi-direct stimulation to the prostate through someone’s anus you could
give right on stimulation by inserting a vibrating rod up into someone’s
urethra because it sat right in front of the bladder and that’s why some people
used those rods to get sexual gratification but that while it did that it
created an insanely intense orgasm and if it was unwanted it was probably very
very invading. It was very dangerous thing to do because of risk of puncturing
the urethra and causing infection and that no one should really try it
especially on someone who was not an adult and not receptive to that type of
play.

I don’t remember what anyone really said word for word which is why I summed up
the conversation that and it was all very fancy and scientific but I remember
Pat holding me a little tighter as he was told this. Basically, once every
other week Leo had been torturing me. Even though to be honest my whole life
was torture by that point because if you want to really make someone suffer you
make them hate themselves and what they did to me without the sounding was a
pretty good way to get someone to hate themselves.

Vic checked my vitals and he told Will to tell Alice I needed rest and that I
should be taking the pills he gave me as needed whenever I felt like I was
going to have a panic attack and he prescribed new pills to be taken once a day
with my Prozac. He handed those over to Alice to fill and bring back from the
pharmacy for me to take the next day.

I barely remember Pat leaving. I remember begging him to stay, pleading for him
to stay because I knew when he was gone that my Da was probably going to hurt
me. My Da had promised to fuck me until I screamed and he always kept his
promises. The fear was overwhelming but Pat eventually had to leave. He headed
home around the same time Alice did. Around 7 that night after she had put the
babies to bed and had helped James and Cat get ready for sleep as well.

I slept for a while until my body woke me up my stomach growling. I got up and
went to the kitchen opening the fridge and found an orange that looked like it
would taste good peeling it. I remember the taste of it because it had been a
while since I had eaten sweet with a tiny bite to it. The citrus making my
mouth feel cold but clean. Standing there I heard the lift turn on my heart
stopping.

I knew it had to be Da. It was nearly 1am so I didn’t think it would be anyone
else because of the time. Uncle Ben would have already come upstairs by that
time if he was looking for company but Da liked to be quiet, private. Sure,
enough as the shadow walked down the hallway I noticed how it was thinner than
my uncles Shadow would be and I knew it was him.

“Hi beautiful,” he said coming into the kitchen looking at me, “What are you
doing up?”

“I was hungry. I spent most of the evening sleeping,” I answered.

“I wore you out?” He asked a smile playing on his face, “Want some company?”

“I’m ok,” I answered. I wanted him to know my displeasure at the fact that he
wanted to spend time with me before I went to Leo’s. I wanted him to know that
I just wanted to be alone for a while my skin belonging only to me.

“Oh, come on baby,” he said coming closer to me, “You don’t have to be like
that.”

He wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my neck kissing me lightly.
I froze closing my eyes. I hated the way just the smallest touch from any of
them could make my skin crawl, make me wish I could set skin on fire to kill
the nerve endings so I didn’t have to feel any touch ever again.

Any touch other than Pat’s. Everyone else felt invasive, threatening,
terrifying. The only way I ever kept calm when one of my brothers or sisters
hugged me was by reminding myself they weren’t going to hurt me. That they
loved me and cared about me and would never do anything to upset me.

“You still smell like us,” he told me his hands resting on the dimples on my
back, “I love that you smell like us.”

I swallowed. I didn’t like his comments. They all made those types of comments
and it made me feel gross. Like I was doing something to warrant their
attention. Like my mere existence was a reason for them to say those things to
me. To tell me what they thought of me.

“Please?” I asked putting my hands against his chest trying to get him to stop
touching me, to coax him away from me.

“But I won’t get to see you all weekend,” he whispered massaging the back of my
neck, “Hell Leo said he’s going to take Lunch off so he can come get you
early.”

“What?” I asked shaking my head.

“Yeah you’re not at school so him and I talked about it. It only makes sense
because the contract says you’re his on Friday so…” My Da trailed off kissing
my forehead, “It’s ok it’s only because he thinks your special.”

“I don’t want to be special,” I mumbled, “Da he hurts me.”

“No, he doesn’t. I know he doesn’t. You just get nervous baby, that’s all,” he
replied, “There’s nothing to be nervous about though ok?”

“Da please,” I begged again as he pressed his pelvis into mine making me want
to scream, want to push him away in protest.

“Shhh…just relax all right? How about we go to the bedroom? I’ll warm you up
nice and good, make sure you’re ready ok?” He hummed quietly still rubbing the
back of my neck.

I didn’t want to have sex with him but I knew I couldn’t say no. That I wasn’t
allowed to so I swallowed nodding my head as he pulled away from me, leaving
the air between us cold and dead just like how I felt inside. He grabbed my
hand leading me down the hallway to my bedroom his hold on my hand gentle but
guiding like I knew he would be in the bedroom.

“Just relax,” he said his hand caressing my cheek. His thumb teasing my bottom
lip as it ran past my chin before he pressed his lips to mine forcing his
tongue into my mouth. He closed the door quietly his one hand on my hip as the
other turned the lock before he guided me to the bed forcing me to sit down.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to feel him on my skin as his hands went to
the draw string on my pants, the only thing I was wearing because I figured
there wasn’t any point in trying to hide from him, trying to make myself feel
safe when I wasn’t. He straddled me pushing me into the bed pressing my wrists
to the mattress with his hands as his hungry mouth kissed my neck and chest
aggressively making me gasps me air. I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I felt
the heat starting to rise in my face.

“Yeah baby?” He asked my neck, one of his hands taking the fabric at my hips
and sliding my pants down past my knees. his body managed to move in one motion
as he nibbled and licked his way back up my torso and take his own boxers off.

I didn’t push him away. I knew he wanted to do things to me and I knew it
didn’t matter how much I pushed at him. I knew that he was going to do it
anyway as I closed my eyes trying to block it out. Trying to block out the
feeling of his hands on my body, his lips and nose tickling my nipples making
it hard to breathe. I didn’t want this his hand reaching in-between us started
to squeeze and caress gently making my eyes snap opened.

“There’s my beautiful boy,” he muttered as he looked up seeing my eyes staring
at him.

“Da please…,” I barely whimpered.

“Just keep enjoying it baby,” he said as he started kissing lower and lower.

I slammed a hand over my mouth to keep from screaming no. To keep myself from
telling him to stop because I hated myself and hated what my body was feeling.
Hated that it was soft and gentle and confusing. That it was dirty and gross
and disgusting and that I was a whore. That a part of me obviously wanted him
to touch me like that but wanted him to stop all at once. I felt his mouth go
around my engorged dick and gasped as it caught me off guard.

“DA PLEASE PLEASE,” I begged somehow a stop or no never leaving my lips.
Probably because by then it had been drilled into me that no wasn’t allowed,
that stop wasn’t allowed when I was with him.

He pulled me out of his mouth a slight pop sound occurring as he sat up looking
at me whipping the spit from his lips, “You need to quiet down,” he warned me
“unless you want to draw…” he paused as there was a knock on the door,
“attention.” He finished.

He grabbed my discarded pants up off the floor using them to cover his intimate
bits as he went and opened the door to see who it was. His body relaxed a
little bit and he smiled before he turned to me his hand leaving the door knob
and grabbing Will by the elbow a bit roughly forcing him into the room with us
before shutting and locking the door again.

“Da?” Will asked the sleep leaving his face instantly as he realized he was
locked in the room with us and that I was on the bed shaking and trembling what
had been going on evident.

“Da,” I said sitting up making sure I was covered, “Please? I really would
prefer if we didn’t.”

I knew what he wanted. We had promised him a three some before mum had taken us
and run to Montana. A three some that we had yet to actually give him. I knew
by the look on his face he was going to cash in his rain check. That he wanted
it to happen and it was probably going to happen now.

“Come here Will,” Da said dropping my pants exposing himself again.

“Da…” Will and I both said in unison.

“No, you promised. You said you two would and I want to, so come here Will,” he
said gesturing for Will to sit on the bed next to Da where he had settled back
in.

Will moved slowly reluctantly towards the bed Da grabbing him pulling him close
so that he was standing pinned between Da’s naked thighs as Da pulled Will’s
shirt over his head. He kissed Will’s chest as I sat there awkwardly. I was
confused as to what I should do. If I should beg Da to stop and let him go, if
I should tell him I’d be good and let it just happen if he let Will go. I
wasn’t sure what to do. Until Da grabbed the back of my neck pulling me forward
bring my face close to Will’s only inches apart.
“Kiss,” he whispered as Will looked at me closely, “Do it or I’ll go get Mike
and we can try it with him.” Da growled a warning.

This was way beyond anything I felt I was willing to do which when it came to
that type of stuff. Will frowned his brow wrinkling as he looked into my eyes,
“It’s ok.” He told me quietly placing both of his hands on my shoulders,
“Just…”

Will closed his eyes his lips crashing against mine surprising me. I wasn’t
sure what I was doing it felt awkward, scary. I felt Da rubbing the back of my
neck as Will tried his best to coax my mouth open with his tongue. I was not ok
with this. This was my little brother, my 11-year-old little brother. His small
hands gripped my shoulders lightly as if he couldn’t decide whether to push me
away or pull me closer his tongue tickling the roof of my mouth as he climbed
up on the bed between my legs his knees brushing against my inner thigh making
me jump as he broke the kiss.

Da grabbed Will by the elbow forcing him to lay down beside me, “Scoot over a
little Will please.” Da said which Will obeyed.

“Come on baby,” he said pushing on my hip, pushing me into the middle of the
bed, “Ok Will, kiss,” he said smiling at us nodding his head in encouragement
until Will started moving up towards my head, “No, not quiet… more like…” He
nibbled my nipple making me jump, my eyes going wide in shock.

“What?” Will asked his brow furrowing.

“You can do it or I’ll go get Mikey,” Da warned Will looking at him who I heard
audibly gulp and nod his head before I felt his nose brush against my left
nipple as Da started licking my other one.

“Wow,” I said trying to push Da away as Will looked up stopping.

“No baby, just relax this is about you. I want to make you feel good,” Da told
me grabbing my arm and holding it down, “Will listen to me not to him. He
doesn’t know what he wants.”

“Da he doesn’t want me to,” Will answered quietly.
“You do it or else someone else is going to you understand me?” He said looking
at us his eyes flashing angrily, “You agreed to this a while ago and we haven’t
done it yet. So now you’re going to, you understand?”

“Yes,” Will sighed nodding his head as he grabbed my hand squeezing it before
his buried his head in my neck, “I’m so sorry.”

“Me too,” I whispered back as he trailed small wet kisses down my neck and into
my collar bone not nearly as pressing and invading as my Da’s but enough to
make me squirm with anxiety as Da dragged his hand down the center of my chest
starting to rub and pump my penis making me gasp again as his mouth kept
assaulting my nipple and Will worked his way toward my other one.

It felt extremely uncomfortable. There was nothing about my brother or my Da
that turned me on in anyway shape or form but my body was responding the way my
Da wanted it to. I turned hard as his hands cupped my balls, his kisses
starting to trail lower as he nudged or poked Will every couple of minutes
getting him to do the same until they both kissed my waist causing me to
whimper as my Da dipped his tongue into my belly button. This caused my stomach
to flutter, that cold fire starting to spread up through my body his one hand
caressing and rubbing my inner thigh having left my erection alone for a couple
of minutes as he nudged Will.

“Come on it’s all right,” he encouraged Will who closed his eyes and swallowed
before he gently licked my waist sideways his tongue dipping into my belly
button as well. His tiny hand rubbing up and down my right thigh like Da’s did
to my left trying to mirror my Da’s actions.

My head felt like it was going to explode. I didn’t want to hurt my brother by
trying to jerk away or push them off me so I laid there as still as I possibly
could. My chest feeling tight as I tried to keep silent. I didn’t even realize
how hard it was to breathe until my Da drew my attention.

“Feel good?” Da asked me suddenly confusing me. My body tingling to a point
where I couldn’t stand it just like when Da did things to me by himself. He
smiled at me, “Can’t speak?”

It was then that I realized I was panting heavily. The tickling running up and
down my spinal column almost too much for my body to handle. Every touch
getting closer to sending me over the edge even though neither one of them was
touching my dick.

“Yeah,” he said his hand going back down and cupping my right ball gently as he
nudged Will.

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see that. Want to know my little brother was
touching me like that and while I couldn’t stop Da from making him or Da from
allowing me to let him, I didn’t have to watch it. I felt my brothers hand
touch me as someone slid their tongue along the right side of my shaft causing
me to whimper as I felt the bed move and then I felt another tongue join that
one.

I felt light headed suddenly. Probably because I was breathing so hard trying
to stay quiet trying not to plead my Da to let Will stop because if I did I
knew both of us would be worse off. I knew that he would get angry and hurt
someone.

I felt someone engulf me a big hand around the base of my cock rubbing as a
tongue teased the head making my slam my hand hard over my mouth and bite into
it. I didn’t want this to happen. This was too much and then it stopped for a
minute.
Everything was silent the air stiff with tension and I dared to open my eyes
just slightly.

“Do it,” I heard my Da mumble.

“I don’t want to Da, please?” I heard Will whisper his hand still massaging my
left ball.

“Do it or I’ll force your head down and make you fucking choke on it you
understand me?” Da said and I slammed my eyes shut again.

I felt a tongue tease the head of my cock and I could tell it wasn’t Da. That
it was smaller making the prods more precise even though it felt reluctant as
it moved over me and he sighed deeply before I finally felt his mouth go around
me.

I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. Knowing it was him being
able to feel the difference between an adult and someone that was still too
small to know what these things were let alone be doing them. I felt sick
inside bile climbing up into my throat even as my body responded getting closer
to reaching my Da’s goal, giving him what he wanted.

I felt a finger circling against my ass making me jump making my eyes start to
roll as my baby brothers tongue forced my body to respond the way it was
programmed to my eyes rolling under my closed lids, my body shuddering as I
orgasmed.
“That’s my good boys,” Da said as I felt the mouth leave me, “Swallow,” He
hissed.

I didn’t see it happen but I knew Will obeyed as he coughed and sputtered and I
heard him whine. I was hoping it was done but then I felt a struggle going on
above me and Da was holding Will pulling him up over top of me, making him
straddle me and I figured out quickly what he was trying to get him to do.

“Da please? I don’t want to,” I barely managed to say still having trouble
breathing.

“It’ll be fun. How often have you topped baby, once?” He said trying to force
Will down into my lap, “You don’t do it I will and I’ll make sure neither one
of you forgets it.”

I sighed. So that was his game. He was going to make him bleed if I didn’t do
it. If I didn’t have sex with him. I managed to elevate myself on shaky knees
that felt like wet noodles grabbing my brother and kissing him rolling us over
so I was on top of him. I didn’t want to do this. This made me feel sick to my
stomach as I felt the bile rising in my throat again just thinking about the
fact that I had to do this, that I had to hurt him like this.

“Just relax, you’ll like it I promise,” Da said to me grabbing me pumping me
back into hardness from behind. Will opened his eyes, revealing that they were
cold and expressionless, mute and numb like he wasn’t there anymore.

He spread his legs grabbing my arm pulling me forward, “just do it.” He said
quietly not really looking at me but past me.

“Will…” I started to protest.

“You heard him do it or I will,” Da hissed into my neck pushing me forward. I
barely caught myself with my hands against the mattress on either side of
Will’s body before I feel into him. Da took lube and applied and generous
amount to me and then reached between my legs applying it to Will making him
hiss as my Da’s fingers entered him stretching him getting him ready, “Do it.”
Da said again.

I sighed biting back tears. This wasn’t something I ever wanted. I never wanted
to hurt him like this to make him feel this. I barely managed to swallow as my
Da pushed me forward again hard and Will sighed wrapping his legs around my
waist pulling my face to his.

“Just do it please. So, he doesn’t,” Will whispered into my ear his voice void
of emotion. I lined myself up inhaling sharply as I felt that tight ring of
muscle open up to slide around me.

It felt anything but good making my insides continue to churn sour stomach
acid. I hated that I was doing this that Da was making me do this. Not only had
I failed at protecting Will but I was doing it now too. I was a total fucking
freak no better than my Da. All of the sudden I felt Da’s tongue push inside me
making me almost scream out as he hands firmly parted my ass cheeks his tongue
playing with my asshole.

He pushed me so hard I rocked into my brother causing his eyes to go wide and
him to whimper. His lip trembling like he was trying not to cry. I could tell
he didn’t want this and it broke my heart into a million pieces to know I was
causing him pain. That I was hurting him.

I had tried so hard to not be like my Da, not let people do things to him and I
had failed time and time again and here I was with no choice in the matter
shoving my dick up his ass like I felt a million different guys had done to me
and it broke me, it utterly broke me. Each pull on my hips pushing me back and
forth inside of him causing the stinging and tickling feeling to grow inside me
as the friction got to me. My head feeling lighter and lighter the more my Da
licked and pushed and pulled on my hips until I felt the tightness in my waist
release and push outwards sending my body nearly collapsing on top of Will’s as
he tried his best to hold me up and keep the majority of my weight from
crushing him.

My Da let out a happy roaring laugh, “That was amazing boys. That was fucking
amazing,” he said, “I can’t believe how good that was. I haven’t been that
excited to watch someone else get fucked in a long time.”

My Da pulled me up and off of Will pushing me head first down into the mattress
my face below Will’s opened legs as Da pushed his fingers into me and then made
sure I was warmed up before plunging inside of me a grunt escaping him as he
buried himself inside of me his balls slapping against my ass as he started the
thrust. The clapping sound like nails on a chalk board as he somehow managed to
hit my prostate on his re-entrance making my eyes go wide, making me gasp.

“Yeah? My little cum bucket? You love to cum for your Daddy, don’t you?” He
muttered grabbing me by my hair pulling my neck back and biting the back of my
ear.

I felt my face burn with shame. My little brother didn’t need to see this, not
after what I had done to him. I mean I deserved nothing more than to be used
just like I had used him but I still felt like he shouldn’t bear witness to my
punishment. That he shouldn’t have to see this. My Da grabbed my hips pushing
into the hallows of them with his thumbs forcing them upward against his pelvis
with one hand as his other curled around my cock making me mewl. This was
embarrassing, that I couldn’t control myself with my brother right there my
body responding my back arching as my Da’s hand teased me while his other held
my hip like a handle helping guide him in and out.

“That’s right baby,” Da said loudly, “Oh fuck yeah.” He said his balls slapping
harder against my back as his sped up his pace. I let a noise somewhere between
a moan and hum escape my body. My whole being on fire with that cold tickling
as I felt him cum inside of me both of us collapsing onto the bed.

I couldn’t even open my eyes I was so tired. Covered in sweat and cum and spit,
which is how I felt I always was. I panted trying to catch my breath, trying to
find something to get my body to stop feeling the aftershocks of orgasm that
run up and down my spine making me twitch when I heard Will start pleading
softly.

“Daddy please,” I heard Will say.

“No, no it’s ok. I just want to make you feel good. Johnny feels good, look at
him he can’t even open his eyes. Don’t you want that? Don’t you want Daddy to
make you cum so hard you can’t move?” He said moving so he was settling in-
between Will’s legs beside my head.

“Daddy please. I really really wish you wouldn’t d…” Wills eyes went as big as
dinner plates as Da plunged inside of him silencing all protest.

“There you go baby,” he said, “God yes you feel so tight, so good.” He panted
into Will’s neck. After a few minutes Will made that same pained noise I had
made the sound somewhere between a hum and a moan as Da bucked up inside of him
whispering something into his ear only stopping when he was satisfied that Will
had finished before he rolled over pushing me over and then pulling me up to
warp his arms around me kissing my cheek as I laid there silent and still like
a statue.

“God, I love my boys,” he said, “Will if you want to you can spend the night
with us or you can shower and back to your room, it’s up to you baby.”

“I’m going to go,” Will answered quietly, numbly.

“Ok I love you, goodnight,” Da said turning over and looking at him for just a
minute while Will slowly got up and unlocked the door opening it and closing it
quietly behind him as he left me there with Da, Da holding me to his chest
rubbing my hair, “You were amazing.” He breathed against the nape of my neck
making me frown.

I wanted him off my skin especially after everything he just made me do. How he
had made me violate my little brother and then made me have sex with him in
front of Will. I felt beyond sick but I was still too tired to move. Too tired
to even really think. Somehow, I managed to just keep my eyes closed, my brain
slowly shutting off cell by cell until I feel into a restless sleep clutched
tightly against his body his pelvis almost flesh against my back.

At some point, I woke up to find Da was gone. The bed beside me empty and I
sighed with relief until the events of the night before came flooding back to
me hitting me like an MMA fighter socking me in the jaw. Will had to hate me
now. He had to think I was no better than Da after what I had done to him. How
I had… used him like that. I was a piece of shit.

I looked at the window noting how bright it was outside the sunlight strong
enough to filter through my drawn blinds thinking, thanking my lucky stars that
Will was already at school so I didn’t have to see him look at me with those
eyes. Those eyes that would tell me how worthless I was.

I showered wishing I could scrub my skin off. Wishing I could disappear and
become like the steam that was starting to dissipate as the water cooled down
and the air got circulated by the fan. Wishing I could just vanish. When I got
out I put on the baggiest sweater I owned over a huge t-shirt and loose-fitting
jeans wanting to hide myself from the world, wanting to hide my body that
seemed to attract so much attention that I didn’t want.

I stayed in my room curling up under my desk because I didn’t want to lay in
that bed any longer. Lay in that bed that smelled like what he had made Will
and I do. What he had done to me, to us. I was glad to be leaving home for the
weekend but only because I didn’t know what do or say at home.

Leo came and got me around noon after I had kissed all of my younger siblings
who were home goodbye. I felt sick to my stomach getting in that SUV and
leaving but not as sick as I felt staying. I really just felt a need to get
away from that, a need to try and forget what had happened.

I felt Leo’s hand slide up my thigh as we drove towards his house me closing my
eyes trying to just breathe my whole body shaking. That was the one thing that
sucked about getting out of the house this weekend it just meant that instead
of being under my Da I was going to be under Leo. That I had to let Leo do
things to me.

“Hey,” he said snapping me out of my thoughts making me turn to look at him, “I
have to stop at the store. So, if you want to help me out, get some stuff for
you to snack on I’m good with that, ok?”

I nodded my head. He was taking me into a grocery store? Did I look like I was
hungry? I hardly ever went to the grocery store my parents usually paid people
do to that type of thing for us which I guess we were lucky we could afford
considering.

He pulled into the Publix parking lot parking and looked at me closely, “I
would just leave you in the car but something tells me that’s not a good idea.
You can throw anything you want in the cart but I’d prefer if you didn’t wander
too far. I’m sure you can understand why considering you’ve been known to be a
bit chatty in the past.”

“Are you talking about Dr. Jeffries? Because I didn’t tell him anything he
guessed,” I muttered.

“Either way that’s on you because you couldn’t keep what you knew to yourself,”
Leo told me squeezing my knee, “So stay close. If anyone asks I’m your uncle
all right?” he said and I just nodded my head sighing as we got out of the car
and I grabbed a cart.
I followed him around the store quietly but we were only there a few minutes
before he turned around to look at me, “You seem so tense, why?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled as he slowed his pace walking beside me and then
stepped behind me massing my neck and shoulders grinding against me.

“You’re too hot,” he whispered into my ear, “God, I’ve missed you baby. We’re
going to have a lot of fun this weekend.”

“Excuse me?” Someone said behind us making me freeze stiller then I was before.

“Yes?” Leo said turning around.

“Were you just grinding on him?” I heard the woman ask.

“Definitely not, I’m his uncle. He has anxiety I was rubbing his back isn’t
that right John?” Leo asked me and I nodded my head without turning around not
wanting to see this person. Not wanting to draw any more attention to us.

“He looks nervous. I’m not sure he wants to be touched,” The woman said.

“look he’s fine. Aren’t you fine John?” Leo asked me again I nodded my head.

Awesome because Leo couldn’t keep his hands to himself he had attracted
unwanted attention and I knew somehow this was going to be blamed on me. Like I
didn’t have enough problems already. And I was surrounded by fucking food. It
made my stomach churn. I didn’t want to be in this stupid grocery store picking
out stupid food with this guy who just wanted to get me to his house so he
could fuck me.

I felt overwhelmed closing my eyes and shaking my head. This wasn’t cool. None
of this was cool. I coughed drawing Leo’s attention back to me. I didn’t want
to watch whatever this was and I didn’t trust Leo’s temper.

“Can we just go?” I asked shrugging my shoulders, “I kind of felt like I didn’t
need anything in the first place so can we just go?”

“See if I was being inappropriate with him do you think he’d give me such
attitude?” Leo asked her, “Yeah sure I have to grab somethings, come on.” He
said pulling the front of the cart, “The nerve of some people….” Leo muttered.

“Yeah if you could keep your hands to yourself…” I barely whispered back.

“Would be a lot easier if you weren’t so irresistible,” Leo said looking at me
smirking.

“How? I don’t see it,” I hissed.

“You wouldn’t. If you did you wouldn’t be what you are,” Leo said, “Come on. I
have to go and grab my juice.”

He walked me to juice aisle and grabbed something off the shelf putting it in
the cart, “You sure you don’t want anything?” He asked me.

“Yeah I’m sure. Why?” I asked him.

“Because you’re skin and bone. Not that I’m complaining but it would be a nice
to have a little cushion,” he told me reaching out to touch my cheek as I
pulled away. He shook his head clicking his tongue at me, “That will cost you
later.”

“I don’t want to be touched. So, sue me,” I replied.

“I have other things in mind. Come on, then check out it is,” he said.

I zoned out in check out. Not that checking out is exciting and before I knew
it we were back to the car. He opened the back door and threw the bag inside
looking at me his eyes flashing that look across them. That look that only ever
brought bad things.
“Leo…” I said as a warning as I backed up.

“Relax,” he said, “It wouldn’t be here anyway. Not with that nosy bitch around
here where ever she is. Let’s go home, all right? I’d rather be settled in when
Rich gets there. He said he might want to have some fun with you.”

I felt my face go pale. I wasn’t doing that again. He had to be nuts if thought
I was going to let Rich do that to me again. Not like he had before.

“I see it in your face. Don’t even think about it,” He warned me as I looked
around the parking lot.

He was right I wanted to run, it was one thing if it was him. Dick was
something completely different that I wasn’t willing to deal with after what I
had done to Will. I knew I deserved it, I wasn’t stupid but to just be reminded
that Dick on top of me was probably exactly how felt when I was on top of him
was just too much.

“Why?” I asked starting to cry.

“Because he wants to relieve some stress and he said he had fun with you. I
didn’t believe how much fun he had until they posted the video. I have to say
it does look like a lot of fun and I wouldn’t mind seeing it up close.”

“I’ll kill myself,” I said my tears randomly subsiding.

“Is that true? I’ll take you back to the hospital right now. You probably won’t
be admitted until Neal is on shift but, he’ll be happy to see you.” Leo said,
“And I mean it’s not like I won’t see you. You want to deal with that? Rich or
Neal take your pick.”
Which one would I rather deal with? The one who tied me down, who made me feel
weak and pathetic? Or the one who made it hurt to piss? I didn’t want to walk
around like a cowboy for five days because I was so fucking bruised I felt like
I couldn’t move. Either way though the choice wasn’t a fair one. Why couldn’t
Leo be nice? Why did he have to pick this week to be an asshole?

“Fine, but I’m going to fucking scream,” I sighed getting into the car.

“Oh, baby you can scream all you like,” Leo said to me making my blood feel
cold.

I knew he liked my protest, my screaming but he didn’t like me fighting back
but hearing him say it like that made me feel sick to my stomach. Made me so
angry because it made me feel like there was nothing I could do to escape him.
Like nothing I did could repulse him other than fight back which would only
earn me pain.

I sighed folding my arms across my chest glaring at him every time I felt his
arm move towards me. I didn’t want him to touch me. He barely waited for the
garaged door to close before his hands were on me. Going to the button my jeans
shoving against me, his mouth on my neck.

“Stop,” I told him forcefully, “No, no stop.” I repeated my heart starting to
race as I started to panic, “I said STOP!” I said taking my open hand and
pushing him away by the face as I tried to catch my breath.

“So that’s how it’s going to be today?” He asked me, “You’ll regret that. You’d
really regret it if you had hurt me. I’m not in the mood for that today,
understand?”

“I’m sorry I just…it’s a bad day ok?” I pleaded with him daring to make eye
contact hoping he’d take pity on me.

“Why it is a bad day?” He asked me his fully attention on me, his eyes locking
to mine the cold steel of them making me feel like he was trying to drill into
the core of my being, find out everything he could about me. I held his gaze
until my skin was crawling until I was sure I couldn’t stand it anymore turning
my head away.

“It just is,” I answered quietly.

“Tell me why, I might take pity on you. Might not make you play with Rich if
you do,” he told me, “Come on let’s go inside and you can tell me all about it
ok?”

I nodded my head opening up the car door and walking up the stairs waiting for
him to take me inside. I knew he just wanted to hear about whatever it was
because he wanted to get off. Because he was turned on by hearing about the
things that other people did to me. How they hurt me.

“Strip,” he told me making me stop at the front door like he always did.

“I’m not in my uniform though,” I said and then for some reason I started
crying. I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was because I knew how gross I was,
how disgusting but I didn’t want him to see me like that. I didn’t want to
expose my skin to him, to have him be able to see me so raw, so exposed.

“Hey, hey,” he said pulling me in and hugging me, “Shhh its ok. It’s all right,
just relax. Just relax.”

He led me over to the couch gently still hugging me, not making me take off my
clothes. I didn’t want him touching me but I didn’t want to be left alone
either. Thinking of how gross I was. Thinking of how the only people that would
ever want me after what I had done would be people like the brotherhood, people
like him and Da. He hugged me tightly until I started to quiet down to a
sniffle pulling away once he knew my tears were mostly spent.

“You want to tell what that was about?” He asked me quietly.

“Nothing I’m sorry,” I said shaking my head moving to pull my shirt over my
head.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said grabbing the hem of my shirt and pulling it down, “Not
that I don’t appreciate you being so forward but I want to hear about what’s
going on.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said quietly hugging myself trying to avoid
his eyes. The way they were looking at me like he was faking compassion but
really excited to hear what I had to say about it.

“You can tell me anything baby. You know that,” he said touching my cheek
making my close my eyes trying to keep myself calm.

“I did something bad,” I barely managed to mutter before I started crying
again.

“What do you think you did that’s so bad?” Leo asked me.

I shook my head pulling my knees into my chest burying my face into them. I
didn’t want to talk about this. How I deserved to die, how I had hurt him so
badly I knew he would never forgive me. How even though my Da had made me do
it, it was my fault.
“Hey, you’re ok,” Leo said quietly, “Tell me about it. Does this have to do
with your Dad?”

“I didn’t want to,” I whispered quietly into my knees, “He made me do it.”

“What did he make you do?” He asked me.

“He made me touch him. I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to but, I did,” I
muttered more to myself then to Leo.

“Made you touch who? One of your brothers?” Leo asked me his eyes lighting up
making my head spin with anxiety, “If he did that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong
with loving your brothers as long as your Dad said it’s ok baby. You shouldn’t
be upset. I’m sure you didn’t hurt anyone.”

“No, he didn’t want me to. I know he didn’t want me to,” I muttered starting to
rock back and forth
.
“Well, he’s a kid just like you baby. He doesn’t know what he wants, what’s
best for him so that’s ok,” Leo said, “Stop rocking baby you’re making me
nervous.”

I swallowed closing my eyes. I didn’t want to think of it like that. I knew I
had hurt him even if he hadn’t had the chance to tell me that I had. Even if he
would never say it. I had come inside of him, his mouth and his ass. I had
raped him and some sick twisted part of me had obviously enjoyed it otherwise I
wouldn’t have orgasmed, right?

Leo grabbed the back of my knee pulling one of my legs down out of my grasps
and forcing me backwards into the couch before I could stop him. All I could
think was god no, please god no I can’t do this. I couldn’t. His hands slid up
under the hem of my shirt as I cried him using my shirt to trap my arms so I
couldn’t fight back.

“Please I don’t want to, please don’t,” I begged him his lips brushing against
my skin his tongue teasing against my collar bones and neck, “Please stop, no.
No don’t please.”

I begged him the whole time. I begged him to stop as he pulled off my pants and
threw them on the floor. As he grabbed the lube on the side table behind my
head and forced his fingers inside of me. As he eventually replaced his fingers
with his dick. I begged and cried the whole time and he didn’t care. He didn’t
care one bit. He cared so little he kissed his way down my body doing the one
thing I hated the most. When he was done he got up pulling my shirt down and
kissing me on the cheek even though I was numb.

“That was great baby, I have a little bit of paper work to do. Here’s the
remote you can watch whatever you want ok?” He said as he got up pulling his
pants back up and leaving the room.

I don’t know how long I sat there the remote loosely propped in my hand before
I heard the door open and looked over to see Dick walking up the stairs.

“Dude it seems like someone fuck…” He turned to look at me and laughed, “Hi
Johnny.”

I turned away from him pulling my knees into my chest. I didn’t want to “play”
with him. I didn’t want him to do that to me. Even though I knew I deserved it
over and over again until the universe ended for what I had done to Will. I
wanted to die.

“Not going to speak to me?” Dick scoffed, “Really? You’re in my house my Dad’s
cum is in your ass the least you can do is say hi.”

“hi,” I barely muttered.

“Hi,” he said putting his backpack down and sitting down next to me on the
couch causing me to tense, “It’s ok.”

“Please,” I said trying to pull as far away from him as possible.

“Look there is nothing that is making me hot and bothered about you right now.
I like a fight yeah, but this isn’t a fight this is surrendering,” Dick said
looking at me.

I nodded my head.

Dick sighed loudly looking at me shaking his head, “Really? You going to tell
me what’s wrong or sit here with your dick out basically begging me to suck it
but making me want to vomit all at once?”

“Sorry I’ll go to the bedroom,” I said standing up and leaving the room going
into Leo’s bedroom and crawling into his bed. I didn’t want to be there but I
didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t feel like there was anywhere else to go.
I ended up crying myself to sleep.

The smell of food aroused me making me feel sick to my stomach. I had barely
eaten in three days and had been eating less and less at every meal. Everything
made my stomach turn just the mere thought of food making me feel sick let
alone the smell of it. I didn’t want anything to do with whatever it was as Leo
pushed the door open slowly bringing in a bowl of soup.

“What is that?” I asked quietly barely bothering to peek out of the covers.

“veggie soup that you’re going to eat,” he said sitting down on the bed beside
me.

“I’m not hungry,” I told him.

“I know but that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to eat. I know an eating
disorder when I see one and you’re not going to do that in my house. You are
going to eat whether you want to or not. Or I can shove a feeding tube down
your throat all it takes is one call to Vic because he has the equipment to do
it,” Leo told me holding out a spoon with broth and tiny chopped carrots and
celery on it.

“I really, I’m not hungry,” I answered again shaking my head.

“You need to eat. Don’t make me call Vic and shove a tube in your nose and tie
you to this bed because I won’t be happy about it,” Leo told me.

I sighed. I didn’t think my stomach could handle the soup and I didn’t want to
eat. Eating meant giving them control especially eating something he had picked
for me to eat. I had already given him everything I felt like I had. I had let
him hear my truth, know how horrible I was and then he had made me cum twice. I
didn’t want to eat because eating meant giving him one more thing. One last
part of me that I hadn’t been allowed to keep for myself.

“Last chance,” he said to me, “Eat.”

“No,” I said shaking my head.

“Fine,” He gave me a tight-lipped smile, “I’ll be back.”

He got up taking the soup with him. I buried myself back into the covers
curling into a ball. I was tired. My whole body hurt having had a lot of sex
recently with what felt like too many people. I don’t know how long I was there
until Leo came back into the bedroom some scarfs in his hand and Vic behind him
carrying a very large medical bag.

“You were serious?” I asked confused.

“Yes, dead serious. You’re way too thin baby,” Leo told me.

“Yeah kiddo you’ve been sick for a while. I was hoping that things would start
getting better soon but they aren’t. You look thinner every time I see you. I’m
going to check your weight and sugar and blood pressure and I’m going to put
you on a diet and check up on you every day you should be gaining 2 to three
pounds a week and after three months if you’re not doing that I’m going to be
calling the health center in Chicago. They have limited beds but if I talk to
them about it now they can have one ready in three months just in case it’s
needed. You have to start eating. I can’t let you in good conscious kill
yourself,” Vic told me.

“Vic, you don’t get it, I can’t. This body doesn’t even belong to me so why
even bother with it?” I asked me.

“Because John you have to live in it and one day it will be yours. You want it
to still be here don’t you?” Vic asked me frowning, “When you’re done with them
you want to be healthy and able to live your life right? If you don’t eat
you’re going to make yourself really sick. You could have a heart attack. Do
you want to do that to your brothers and sisters? Because I don’t think you do.
I don’t think you’d ever do anything to purposely hurt them and that would hurt
them so badly they’d never recover. So please, just for this weekend all right?
Just until your stomach gets a little bigger.”

“Now, let’s get you on the scale in the bathroom and check your weight ok?” Leo
said helping me up.

He was right I was weak and tired. I was also feeling dizzy because he helped
me to my feet too fast. It just felt like every time I ate normally I was
throwing up my food because of anxiety or my stomach was beyond upset and so I
just didn’t eat. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to but I wasn’t hungry or
everything hurt too much, made me feel too sick so I didn’t. I had known I was
sick but I didn’t think I was sick enough to warrant this much attention. It
explained another reason why I was sleeping all the time even though at the
time it hadn’t occurred to me that it might be a contributing factor.

I was out of the hospital at that point for about three months they checked my
weight first and I heard Vic sigh sadly as the numbers settled under my feet,
“You weigh 89 pounds John,” Vic told me, “Ok let’s check your sugar and your
blood pressure.”

My blood pressure came back low and so did my sugar which neither were
surprising considering the bad physical and mental condition I was in. I sighed
really tired and feeling really stupid. Pat had been right. I was too thin and
you probably could count my ribs. His worry hadn’t been unwarranted after all.

“Ok, I’m going to tie you up now just because I don’t want you pulling the tube
out ok baby?” Leo said taking one of my wrists gently and securing it to the
headboard as he did the same with the other one.

“You need to let him rest this weekend Leo,” Vic told him and Leo nodded his
head. Vic told me to take a deep breath through my nose and swallow repeatedly.
I did just that, the cold slimly thing going down my nose he taped it to the
side of my face after looping it around my ear to keep it in place and then
took this bag filled with what looked like milk and hooked it up to the tube.

“It’ll feel kind of cold but once the bag is empty wait three hours and then
hook up a new one. I brought this,” he said pulling a big box out of his
medical bag, “there should be enough for the weekend and then we’ll take you
off of it and see how you do. Try to eat something ok?” Vic said.

I spent most of the weekend in Leo’s bed as he brought me fruit and changed my
“feed bag” as Dick fondly called it coming in at different points to mock me
and taunt me. But for once in months no one touched me for a period of more
than 24 hours. When Monday came he unhooked the bag and took out the tube
telling me to cough as he pulled it out my nose feeling dry and sore but
grateful not to have a tube anymore. It was a much-needed break. I was thankful
for it. But I knew the odds of the peace of being tied to a bed with a tube
down my nose wouldn’t last.
***** Chapter 32 *****
Chapter Summary
     Pat and John reconnect at school and some truths come out. Pat has
     trouble keeping his temper in check. John does something to keep Pat
     from facing a harsh punishment.
Chapter Notes
     Page 624 to 655 Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced anal fingering, forced
     oral, child molestation, consensual underage kissing, mental health
     issues, Eating Disorder 512 pages left means you're nearly have way
     to part 3.
Leo dropped me off at school in time for me to find Pat and Cole standing there
waiting for me. I was worried because they looked overly nervous to see me and
it made me wonder what exactly had happened that they had decided to greet me
right outside the building instead of waiting in our usual spot.

“Hey,” Cole said smiling at me and waving shyly.

“Hi,” I answered, “What’s up?”

“Huh, not much how was your weekend?” Cole asked.

“Like you didn’t hear?” I asked.

“Ok, fine. Fine we heard you were tied up and hooked to a feeding tube,” Cole
told me.

“If I can count on Dick for anything it’s to be a dick,” I sighed nodding my
head.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Pat asked me shaking his head at me.

“I don’t know, I just…I didn’t realize it was a problem,” I answered.

“I told you it was Rabbit,” Pat said.

“I know, I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. It’s just my stomach hurts all the
time. Whenever I eat normal I throw up constantly and I never feel hungry so I
just…” I trailed off.

“Quit eating?” Pat finished, “You need to eat sweetie ok? Please if you can’t
eat for yourself do it for me ok?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t know how else to explain it but he was right. If I
couldn’t eat for me I should eat for him, for everyone else that cared about
me. Since the feeding tube had gone in though I had felt better. I had slept
better but then again Leo hadn’t touched me again sexually after that first
rape that weekend and neither had Dick so that could have had a lot to do with
it as well. I thought about that again. Dick, how he had said what he did that
he wanted to…I felt like I couldn’t breathe and Pat must have seen it in the
face.

“What’s going on?” Pat asked me, “What are you thinking?”

“About Dick,” I said quietly “about stuff…”

“Don’t think about that Sweetie ok?” Pat sighed, “Don’t think about him.”

“He said…,” I bit my lip starting to feel it tremble knowing I was getting
ready to start crying.

“Hey, come on,” Pat said grabbing my hand gently leading back into our spot,
“There we go. Some privacy, ok?” He said wrapping his arms around me rubbing my
shoulder, “Just take your time.”

“He said he wanted to…,” I took a deep breath again.

“Take your time. You’re ok Rabbit,” Pat said.

“He wanted to suck me,” I said finally getting it out feeling like I couldn’t
breathe for a second waiting for Pat to respond.

“That was probably scary,” Pat told me, “Especially being trapped at his Dad’s
house with him there.”

“They all scare me,” I answered, “All the time. They say things that…they say
bad things.”

“I’m sure they do,” Pat said pressing his forehead to mine, “But you have to
remember they are saying those things to make you feel bad ok? They are saying
those things because they know those things upset you. That hearing that stuff
from them makes you feel dirty. You can’t listen to them John, all right?”

“I don’t need them to make me feel dirty,” I responded, “I am dirty.”

“No Rabbit you’re not dirty at all. You’re sweet and kind and handsome, and
funny and smart. You’re anything but dirty. I know that’s not how you feel but
that’s the truth and they don’t want you to see that,” he told me.

“No,” I said shaking my head, “I did something really bad Pat. Really really
bad and I’m just like them. Somewhere deep down I’m just like them and they all
know it.”

“Whatever you think you did, it’s not so bad it can’t be forgiven. You would
never hurt anyone like they do. Not ever and I know that. Anyone that knows you
knows that,” Pat told me.

“No, I’m like them,” I said again.

“No!” Pat said forcefully, “You are nothing like them. If you were like them
you would have showed it long before now. Why do you think you’re like them?”

“I did something really bad,” I said again.

“You haven’t done anything bad enough that I would ever stop loving you. I
can’t imagine you ever doing that so why are you scared to tell me what it was?
Because I know that’s why you haven’t said it. Because whatever it is its
eating you up inside and you’re afraid that I’ll hate you if you tell me. I
swear to God and all the saints and angels in the world that I will never stop
loving you,” Pat told me a tear sliding down his face making me start to cry,
“Please don’t shut me out. Don’t torture yourself Rabbit please.”

“He made me have sex with him,” I barely muttered.

“What sweetie?” Pat asked me quietly, “What happened?”

“Da made me have sex with Will,” I said before I almost started outright
sobbing.

“Shhh…it’s ok. Whatever your Da made you do that was him, that wasn’t you. I
know you better than anyone else in the world and you have done everything you
can to protect that kid. You would never ever hurt him like that unless you
were forced to. You would die for him because you love him and all of your
brothers and sisters like I loved Charlie. I know I would have moved the
universe for Charlie, I would have done anything to keep Charlie safe and I
know you’ll do the same for every one of them. I can’t imagine whatever
happened being your fault.”

“But I…” I couldn’t even say it out loud. I couldn’t admit that to anyone. It
was hard enough to accept it myself. I couldn’t tell Pat that. He would hate me
forever and I knew it.

“You what? You have a body that responds to people touching it? To friction?
Rabbit we all do that. It doesn’t matter how scared or forced or angry or hurt
we are we’re so young that we can get it up for a good ham sandwich ok? You’re
human and I promise you Will probably doesn’t see it that way. Have you talked
to him since it happened?” Pat asked me.

I shook my head, “No he left after it was over. Left me with Da. I think he
hates me.”

“No,” Pat said, “Will’s smart. He knows you didn’t want to do that. He doesn’t
hate you.”

“I think he does,” I answered.

“Hey, I’ll prove it to you ok? At lunch after you eat real food we’re going to
talk to him. I’ll ask him straight up if he hates you. I bet you a bag of
skittles that he doesn’t. If I win you have to eat them all right?” He told me.

“Skittles?” I asked.

“They are your favorite candy,” he told me.

“True,” I said nodding my head.

“Good it’s settled then. We’ll see if we can speak with him at lunch and then a
bag of skittles when he admits to you he doesn’t hate you and that he
understands what happened wasn’t your fault just like it wasn’t his,” Pat told
me as the bell rang, “Let’s get to class ok?”

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head as I walked forward back towards the
building and down the hall towards first hour.

First hour was the same boring stuff as usual a lot of math work and some
discussions on how to find x and all of that math stuff. However, second hour
while it was an everyday type of day always made me nervous because it was
Finick’s class and Finick had this horrible habit of watching me while he
taught the class. This week staring at me while going over weather phenomenon.
Hurricanes, tropical storms, Tornados all of those types of things. When the
movie went on I got nervous because I knew he was always watching me but he
always got closer to me when the lights went off. That wasn’t something I could
deal with today. I started shaking clenching my fist trying to claim myself
down.

Dom tapped me on the shoulder quietly, “Are you ok?”

I exhaled deeply and slowly shook my head. I knew what was going to happen once
the light went off and I didn’t want it. I didn’t want him behind me rubbing my
shoulders and telling me those things that he did. Not today.

“Hey,” Dom said, “It’s all right ok? He can’t do anything to you here.”

“He can say stuff,” I answered quietly.

“I hear him say anything I will call him out on it ok? Trust me. I’m not going
to let him bother you, all right?” Dom told me and I nodded my head.

I trusted Dom. I trusted Dom to stick up for me just like I trusted Pat even if
my feelings for them weren’t the same. I could talk to Dom about anything any
fears I had or thoughts and he wouldn’t judge me. That while maybe he might
have a little crush on me I could trust him.

The lights went off and the movies started but Finick didn’t walk up to me. He
didn’t say anything and I thought it would be ok other than the fact that I
felt like I was being squeezed and my chest felt tight no matter how much I
tried to relax. I was sure things would be ok until I saw him move. He walked
up and down the row behind me and then I felt him lean over the back of my
chair causing my breath to catch as I felt his hands go to my shoulders causing
me to tense.

“You just melted a little bit,” he laughed into my ear.

I heard someone laugh behind me, “The tornado isn’t the only thing that wants
to devour everything in its path.”

Father Finick turned taking a step back from me, “Behave class, no talking.” He
moved away and continued walking throughout the classroom.

It didn’t take long after that for the video to stop and the lights to go back
on. I felt dizzy and kind of sick to my stomach but thankful that whoever that
was had said that. I wasn’t sure if they could tell how close he was up against
me in the dark but whomever it was they had noticed it enough to say something.
When the bell rang Pat came over to me his backpack already slung over his one
shoulder.

“You ready?” He asked me.

“For what?” I asked confused.

“Skittles,” he reminded me.

“Oh…,” I said nodding my head because we only had about 10 or so minutes to go
to the lower school find Will and ask him if he hated me more not and I was
dreading his answer.

“Come on, it’s not going to end the world,” Pat said as he grabbed my hand
pulling me along down the hall until we got to the glass double doors near the
office area that were labeled “lower school” on the frosted glass and walked
through them quickly. He ran to the lower school café looking to see if he
could find him and sure enough we spotted his blond head standing up after
tying his shoe and he saw us frowning and coming over.

“Hey,” he said looking at Pat but not at me.

“Hey man can we talk for a second?” Pat asked Will who finally shot me a look
and sighed.

“I think this is a talk that him and I need to have alone Pat,” Will answered
him honestly.

“Probably but he thinks you hate him,” Pat answered.

“I don’t hate you John,” Will sighed looking at me sadly, “I could never hate
you it’s just…I didn’t talk to you before I went to school Friday because I
knew you were tired and it was weird ok? Can we talk about it at home?”

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head.

“I win. You get skittles and you have to eat them all,” Pat said pulling a bag
of skittles out of his pocket.

“Wait you’ve had these the whole time?” I asked him and Will chuckled behind
his hand.

“Maybe…what are you going to do about it?” Pat teased me.

“Guys…I’m not the only 11-year-old here…,” Will pointed out coughing.

“Fair enough,” Pat said handing me the skittles, “Come on let’s get back to
class. I have to deal with fucking Gus.”

“Mhm,” I said nodding my head, “Me too.”

“Yes, and I shall protect you with my life.” Pat said.

Will snorted into his own hand and then muttered, “That’s not what you’re going
to protect him with.”

“HEY, don’t be dirty,” Pat warned pointing a finger at Will.

“Did I miss something?” I asked confused.

“It’s nothing,” Will said, “Get to class before you get in trouble for
skipping. By the way your face is actually looking a lot better than it was
last time I saw it under any light.”

“Thank you,” I said, “You’re face doesn’t look too bad either Will.”

Will laughed at that, “Well I wasn’t sporting a domino mask around my eyes that
wouldn’t come off.”

“Come on we’ve got to go,” Pat said, “Eat those in class.”

We almost sprinted back to the upper class and barely made it into the room
before the last bell rang.

“I really hope people were running in the halls together and not committing
graver sins gentlemen,” Father McClairen said to us causing the whole class to
snicker, “Take your seats gentlemen.”

“Can anyone tell me what was going on in the world in the 1840’s?” Father
McClairen asked.

“The Oregon trail was being utilized to bring people to the Northwest of the
United States,” Jesus answered.

“Anyone else know what’s going on?”

“The Great Potato Famine and Queen Victoria started her reign as Queen that
lasted until 1901,” I answered.

“Very good anyone else?” Father McClairen asked.

“A lot of revolutions and people started taking a really close look at slavery
and how bad it was,” Caesar answered.

“Good, now Slavery that’s a good one. The abolitionist movement had really
started to take off in the 1840’s and was different from other anti-slavery
movements because of the fact it focused on the a very important book that
appealed to many people. Does anyone know which book that was? Yes, Mr. Morrow
you know which book that was?”

“The bible,” Dom answered.

“Yes! Very good, very nice indeed. Our book tells everyone to love thy neighbor
it also says that Whoever steals a man and sells him, and anyone found in
possession of him, shall be put to death. Exodus 21:16 can anyone tell me what
that means simply?”

“That Slavery is wrong?” Someone in the back asked.

“Yes, slavery is wrong. It is one thing to have someone work for you, serve you
as many of you know. Some of you have nannies at home and cooks, and maids but
they are paid. They are paid with hard work, money and knowledge. They are paid
with their sacrifice to you and thanks of the lord for helping provide for you
his most important creation; his children. The children of man. Those who would
take someone and make them be slaves shall be put to death. Those who do such
things are punished in the afterlife by God himself for taking the freedom from
those around them. The bible said this again and again and this was used to
point out to slave masters of the south no one has the right to take another’s
freedom from them, to take labor from them without paying them back and giving
them compensation for their hard work.” Father McClairen said.

“But hasn’t slavery always been around?” Someone in the back asked.

“Yes, but that’s why we were so against it because we had seen those injustices
done. We had seen people suffer from slavery and through our ability to educate
those slaves we had brought Christiany and God’s holy word forth into the world
and when one was educated and had worked off their debt back in the time of the
Romans when they were godless a person could earn their freedom. In the
American south a person hardly ever earned their freedom it could be given to
them by their owner if they so pleased but they never had to promise a slave
their freedom for any reason. Many people who were born slaves died slaves,”
Father McClairen answered.

“How does the bible define slavery?” Pat asked and Father McClairen smirked at
him.

“Very good question Mr. Kingly,” Father McClairen said, “Slavery is holding a
person against their will for a long period of time and making them work
without pay.”

“What does work entail…” Pat asked Father McClairen and I pitched him, “OW!”

“Stop it,” I barely muttered.

He was pushing it. He knew he was pushing it. Yeah, the brotherhood was slavery
but they didn’t see it that way. They didn’t see pushing someone face first
down into a bed and having them lay there as work. They saw it as “education”
according to Leo. Still others in the brotherhood just saw it as downright fun.
I didn’t want to hear the rest of the discussion and tried my best to tune out
before the bell rang releasing us to lunch.

“Mr. Kingly, Mr. McGregor a moment if you will,” he said motioning us to wait
for everyone else to leave the class, “You Patrick quit being a smart ass. I
knew what you were getting at and obviously John here knew what you were
getting at. At least I’m assuming that’s where the pinch came from, yes?”

“Yes sir,” I answered taking great interest in my shoes.

“He cares about you a little too much I think, and that smart mouth that I
really love,” McClairen said as I snapped my eyes up to look at Pat who was
turning red.

“Not funny,” he muttered.

“Who said I was trying to be funny?” Gus said shrugging his shoulders, “Speak
of that smart, that perfect mouth…” Gus said his eyes getting that glazed over
look in his eyes looking at Pat.

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head.

“What you want to?” He asked me.

Giving blow jobs was something that I didn’t do often because my Da seemed more
interested in the reverse action. However, I did have experience in that
department from being young. I actually hated the taste of it unless it was Pat
because Pat always tasted clean and smelled good and everyone else tasted like
old gym socks and something else that I can’t describe.

“No,” Pat said shaking his head at me, “No.”

“Pat…” I said, “It’s ok. It’s just one more person.”

“No, I’m not ok with this. Gus, come on,” Pat said going to get on his knees
grabbing the front of Gus’s pants.

“No,” I said again, “I won’t let you.”

“Let me? Fucking let me? You think you can tell me what am I allowed and not
allowed to do? Are you serious?” Pat asked me from the floor.

“Said the guy who wants me to eat skittles on a bet,” I sighed.

“You still haven’t,” Pat pointed out.

“Yeah because they’re skittles and he’s probably lying,” I answered.

“He’s not lying he doesn’t hate you,” Pat said.

“Oh, gossip nice. Now who hates who?” Gus asked.

“I’d hate me if I was him,” I answered.

“How could anyone hate you? Those green eyes, those pouty lips, those
freckles…” Gus said pulling Pat’s attention back to him.

“Don’t talk about him like that. He’s not a thing,” Pat told him, “You want
this blowjob you’ll keep anything that describes him and his name out of your
mouth you understand Gus?”

“I take it he didn’t tell you then?” Gus asked looking down at him.

“Don’t,” I said swallowing.

I didn’t want Pat to know that. Know what Gus had done to me at the party. I
hadn’t told him because it would make his life harder. Because he would be
angrier with Gus. It was hard to let someone crawl on top of you when you hated
them for raping someone you cared about more than you cared about yourself.
That’s why I had such a hard time with Da a lot of the time. Because I knew
what he did to them, to my little brothers and sisters.

“Don’t what beautiful?” Gus taunted walking towards me, “And yet you were going
to give me one instead of him. You’re backing away from me.”

“What is he talking about?” Pat asked standing up.

“You really didn’t tell him? This is good. You’re that ashamed that you liked
it huh?” Gus said still coming closer.

“Gus what are you talking about?” Pat hissed.

“Does he know about the first time? How I bent you over that table back there?
How you were shaking you were so scared like you’re shaking right now?” Gus
kept talking.

“GUS LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Pat yelled causing Father McClairen to turn his
attention to Pat.

“So, he didn’t tell you, did he? What happened at the Villa? That I sucked him
until he was dry and shivering while your Dad fucked him making him squirm as
your Dad rammed up inside of him? You don’t know anything about that? And I
thought you two were best friends surely that’s something you would tell your
best friend about?” Gus asked turning his attention back to me, “Or do you
really not care about his feelings? Or were you doing what you two seem to do
which is protect him from knowing things you feel like he shouldn’t know?”

I didn’t even realize I was crying until I went to open my mouth and felt a
tear drip onto my lips. I didn’t tell him exactly because of that. I didn’t
tell him because he shouldn’t have to know. He shouldn’t have to lie down with
this guy whenever he was told he needed to knowing that. Knowing that he had
raped me.

“John?” Pat said is brow furrowing, “Did he really?”

I felt my lip starting to tremble and my vision blurred and I knew I was crying
too heavily to see. I hadn’t wanted him to know. I was ashamed about it too.
Ashamed that Gus had touched me like that.

“You did! WHY!? WHY?!! YOU HAVE ME! YOU HAVE ME EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT YOU
WANT ME SO WHY DO IT TO HIM?” Pat almost shouted the pitch in his voice getting
higher.

“Sometimes it’s nice to sample everything on the platter Patrick,” Gus answered
him.

“So, you think that’s means it’s ok to…He can’t deal with that. You know what
his life is like? He never gets left alone and yet you did that to him?” Pat
said, “What is wrong with you?”

“Pat, I…” Pat cut me off.

“Don’t you dare say it Johnathan. Don’t you dare because this is not your
fault. I’m not angry with you even for a second. I’m fucking angry with him.
You bend me over and fuck me and then you mess with him? No, No, does Leo even
know?” Pat asked.

“What happens at the Villa is outside of contracts. Contracts have no standing
at the Villa,” Gus said, “and now you have sufficiently wasted enough of my
time that I’m not getting any until later this evening if at all so take him
and go,” Gus said opening the classroom door.

I didn’t wait for Pat to catch up to me. I sprinted into the nearest bathroom
picking a stall and slamming it shut. I didn’t want to think about this, didn’t
want to have to worry about this but I was. Pat was probably so fucking angry
with me, so upset. I tried to slow my breathing and keep my tears from coming
but I couldn’t. He knew I was nothing but a slut. That everyone touched me. He
even said so himself that I never got left alone.

“Rabbit are you in here?” I heard Pat ask quietly.

“I don’t want to talk right now,” I mumbled.

“Rabbit, I understand why you didn’t tell me but you know it’s not your fault,
right?” He asked me.

“Of course, it’s my fault. You said so yourself I never get left alone. I’m
just…”

“Whatever you think you are you’re very far from it Rabbit. I promise. Come out
here please?” He said quietly.

“You deserve someone else,” I answered, “You deserve someone who hasn’t had
everyone use them.”

“Come out here or I’ll crawl under the stall to get to you and honestly I’m
afraid of what might be on this floor,” Pat said and I sighed opening the door
quietly.

Before I could react, he had grabbed me pressing his lips to mine. Even though
my face was covered in snot and gross and I couldn’t breathe all that well. He
held me and he kissed me his hands struggling to find their way under my
clothes under my uniform so they could be against my skin before he realized
what he was doing and pulled away looking at me closely his eyes wide.

“Oh my god I’m so sor…”

I pushed back against him ramming my tongue in his mouth pushing him against
the stall wall. My hands trying to find their way into his clothes this time.
God, he felt amazing. He tasted of chocolate and pretzels and tobacco and
everything wonderful and soft and good. When I felt like he couldn’t breathe I
broke apart from him, letting him catch his breath as his hands held onto my
waist.

“What was that for?” He asked me.

“Making me not feel like a loser,” I answered, “What was yours for?”

“For being you. For being the sweet Rabbit that I know and because you were
hurting,” he told me.

“I was only hurting because of what I’m am. I’m used Pat, that’s all it is,” I
answered.

“No, you’re not. You know you don’t want to we go over this every other day
we’re together. There’s nothing bad about you Rabbit. I know I’ll never be able
to convince you of that but you’re beyond good. You’re the best person I know,”
he told me, “You’re not used or broken. You’re you. I love you. Even if I can’t
be with you like I want to. Even if I wish that we could…”

“That I could suck your dick?” I asked wiping my face and laughing remembering
what that had tasted like. Remembering that afternoon by the ocean as he bit
his lower lip smiling at me and raising his eyebrows making me miss his lip
ring that he always had out when we were at school because of policy.

“I won’t deny that,” he answered laughing slightly, “I was thinking mutual
activities but that’s a nice one.”

“Well it would be mutual otherwise I wouldn’t be saying it,” I said grabbing
the back of his neck a little roughly and biting his lip as he laughed some
more and I slid my tongue past his lips it tickling the roof of his mouth.

I kissed him slow after that, gentle. His hands grabbing my ass while my hands
were still on his neck him grinding against me at some point causing me to moan
into his mouth. Then we heard the bell ring releasing lunch.

“Fuck,” Pat muttered, “You didn’t eat anything.”

“We have like three minutes I could…,” I teased.

“That’s not lunch. That’s not real food,” he told me shaking his head, “How
about you eat the skittles and I run through the lunch line and get us some
French fries really quick ok?”

I nodded my head before I spoke, “Ok.”

“Good, thank you, I’ll be back. Now start heading back but not too fast, all
right?” He told me opening the stall door.

I waited for him to glance back at me and I nearly melted when he smiled at me
before he left the bathroom. I did feel better. After crying and making out I
felt loved. I felt wanted by someone I actually wanted and no longer used or
gross. At least for that moment even though I also felt a little tight in my
uniform in some places and was trying to ignore that. Trying to hope it away
but it was a small price to pay for some afternoon fun.

I splashed water on my face and left the bathroom realizing I would have to go
back to Gus’s class and hating that fact for just a second until I realized my
seat was right next to Pat. I was kind of more interested in him then in my
history lesson. At least there was a classroom full of people and hopefully Pat
would behave himself no matter how much he hated McClairen at the moment. When
I got into the classroom Pat wasn’t that far behind me balancing two things of
fries in his hand.

“Here you go,” he said handing me one of them.

I hadn’t been expecting a whole one to myself. I was expecting us to share but
I had said I would eat. So, as I sat down I started to eat. I tried to eat as
the discussion about slavery around me continued and managed only a couple of
fries before my stomach started to feel uncomfortably full. I didn’t force
myself to eat anymore even though I knew eventually Pat would look over and
notice and he did grabbing my knee gently his eyes questioning.

I leaned in and whispered into his ear, “I’m too full.”

“You need to try please?” He questioned me.

“I did ok? Dr. Palmer said not to push it,” I whispered back.

“You care to share with the class you two?” Father McClairen asked.

“No sir,” Pat answered coldly, “Nothing to share here.”

“Maybe you’ll share with me later?” he said and I knew Pat was shooting him the
death stare.

I sighed. So, this was going to be my life or at least my history class from
now on? Gus making hidden remarks and Pat giving him the stink eye and getting
pissed? Awesome. Fucking awesome. And Pat and I weren’t even supposed to be a
thing even though that was working out really awesome. I don’t know. I
personally thought we weren’t doing horrible until that moment in the bathroom
when he shoved his tongue down my throat and I kind of loved it.

Now the odd thing about me at the time was I wasn’t gay. I didn’t think of
myself as gay but I knew I loved him. And I still love him with all my heart
but I still don’t think of myself as gay and he is really the only guy I have
ever and will ever feel that way about.

Somehow, we managed to get through the rest of the class like that. Certain
comments being dropped that way and Pat staring at him stony eyed. When the
bell rang he let us go without stopping us and we went on to English. Which was
what English always was, reading out of a book.

When class was over it didn’t take long to get on the bus and sit down in a
seat and Pat sat next to me and sighed and I knew something was up.

“So…,” I said quietly.

“So…,” he said and then clicked his tongue, “We probably shouldn’t have done
that?”

“Yeah that’s what I figured was coming,” I answered.

“What are we doing?” He asked me.

I sighed running a hand through my hair, “I don’t know. I mean we can’t…”

“Do this? Yeah, I know. I want to though,” he told me.

“Me too. We said at the end of a year remember?” I reminded him.

“Yeah,” he told me, “So much for that. I mean we haven’t done anything like
that in a while but not long enough.”

“Done something like what?” I heard his voice and my head snapped up.

“Dick,” Pat said before he looked up, “Do I listen to your private
conversations you asshat?”

“Asshat?” Dick asked, “That’s a new one and don’t call me Dick.”

“Why? We don’t call you Dick because of your impeccable people skills and great
manners,” Pat said.

“Rich what do you want?” I asked him and his eyes flashed. That’s what caused
Pat to stand up.

“Don’t answer that question or I’ll punch all the teeth out of your mouth,” Pat
hissed.

“He’s the one who asked,” Dick said pointedly.

“That doesn’t mean you get to taunt him. He told me what you said and that’s
not ok,” Pat warned him.

“Did he?” He asked smiling, “And you think you’re going to stop it? I could
follow him home and take him if I wanted to. I could do it without tying him
down too. That was just for convenience.”

Just then without warning Pat punched Dick right in the face as Cole and Tosh
and Dom got on the bus and the bus driver started yelling.

“Holy fuck!” Cole yelled his eyes wide as he jumped on Pat’s back to pull him
away and I sat there frozen.

Now while I loved Pat and I knew he’d do just about anything for me that was
unexpected. Punching someone that close to you when neither one of you had an
out with a person next to you that you care about who could easily get hurt is
never a good idea which is why I wasn’t expecting it.

“Rich stop it!” I yelled as Rich went to go throw a fist back at Pat now that
his arms were pinned.

“The four of you off my bus you’re suspended from riding the bus for a week.
Now you get to go to Watson and tell him it’s for throwing punches,” The bus
driver said, “NOW!”

“Come on man let’s go,” Cole said moving to pull Pat out of the seat still
holding him by the arms.

“I’m fine you can let me go. I hope I broke your nose you fucking asshole!” Pat
hissed at Dick as Cole let go of his arms and he walked towards the front.

“It’s not bleeding. It’s probably not broken. You coming Johnny?” Dick asked
before he started laughing and winked at me falling in line behind Cole.

“I didn’t even do anything,” I sighed rolling my eyes. This was going to be
great considering that last time I was in Watson’s office it was such a kind
and welcoming experience. I was still recovering my nose and eyes now a yellow
color after the weekend before last but my ribs were still slightly bruised.

When we were all off the bus and walking back towards the building the bus
driver closed the doors and took off and Pat sighed looking at me.

“How long does it take to walk home?” Cole muttered.

“Around an hour,” I answered.

“Well,” Cole said looking at Pat and I, “We can either walk home today and
every day for the next week or we can go in there and tell Watson that someone
decided to throw some punches us as Pat explains to everyone why. And then we
all get punished some of us worse than others. What’ll be?”

“I vote for a nice long walk for the next couple of days, what about you two?”
I asked.

“I second,” Pat said, “What about you Cole?”

“Depends on why you did it,” Cole said turning to Pat, “You’ve been known to
get pissed over just about nothing so I want to know why before I vote.”

“I’m about to call my Dad so someone is going to hear about it anyway because I
don’t have the luxury of walking home in this case,” Dick said.

“You wouldn’t,” Pat hissed.

“Hey I warned you. I told you, you couldn’t stop me from anything so why did
you think throwing a punch at me would change that?” He said pulling out his
cell phone.

“You call him and tell him I was involved in this you know what he’ll do,” I
said quietly, “Please Rich?”

“Well, you didn’t really hit me. You just didn’t call your dog off fast
enough,” Dick said, “So what are you going to do for me?” He said looking at me
closely.

“Is that what he did?” Cole asked Pat.

“Exactly,” Pat barely said.

“Oh, can I get in a smack?” Cole said.

“Really? Fucking really? You want him tied down to a bed all weekend getting
fucked by every object my Dad owns that will fit up there? If you do say it
again or better yet throw a punch see what it earns him.” Dick warned.

“Rich please?” I asked. I already felt like I was in deep shit anyway because
Leo had only been with me once last weekend before he had dropped me off at
school because of the feeding tube.

“What are you going to do for me?” He asked me again.

“Please?” I begged again.

“Well I’m waiting for your answer,” he said.

“He’s not doing anything for you,” Pat said.

“Yeah?” Dick said “You think you can stop me? I’m giving this one over to him
it’s his choice to make.”

“What type of choice is that?” Cole asked, “Go into the bushes with you for 2
minutes so you can do whatever you want to him? Or you call your Dad so he gets
the shit beat out of him next weekend on top of everything else he has to go
through when he goes over to Leo’s? That’s not a choice that’s blackmail and he
didn’t even do anything.”

“He’s right. You want someone to do something for you I’ll do it. Leave him out
of it,” Pat said.

“I’m not interested in you,” Dick answered, “And it would take a lot more than
two minutes I’m not 13.”

“No, he is!” Cole said exasperated, “You know how nasty that is that you want
to …”

“I didn’t tell you what I want,” Dick said, “For all you know I was going to
leave it up to him. Or maybe I just want to have a nice chat with our friend
here. Maybe next time you will think about being nicer to me. Won’t you
Patrick?”

“He told me what you said!” Pat hissed, “You can’t say that him!”

“What did I…?” Dicks eyes lit up with understand, “So you’re telling people
then?”

“No,” I shook my head.

“I’m not people,” Pat hissed.

“What are you then?” Dick asked.

“His best friend!” Pat said.

“How many times are we going to go over this Johnny? Who is he to you?” He
asked me.

“My best friend,” I answered, “And it was just him. You’ve told a ton of people
about the fact that you…”

“Actually, I haven’t said anything about what I thought about it. But,
apparently you’ve told everyone about it though so maybe I should …” Dick said.

“I haven’t even told him what he told me,” Pat said referring to Cole.

“I’m not sure I even want to know,” Cole muttered.

“Dick here is a homophobe,” Pat hissed smiling, “But Dick is gay.”

“No?” Cole said sarcastically, “Really Pat how is that a secret?”

Dick’s face turned red, “I am NOT GAY!”

“You’re gay and you have a huge boner inducing crush on John here,” Pat
accused.

“I do not! I like taunting him. That doesn’t make me gay,” Dick hissed.

“So, what? you sticking your dick up his ass was the ultimate game of gay
chicken?” Cole asked rolling his eyes, “The video is all over the website.
Anyone whose Dad doesn’t clear their browser that’s in the brotherhood as seen
it and heard what you said to him.”

I flinched at that. It was bad enough knowing they had seen it let alone heard
it. Heard what he said to me. That he was going to make it feel good. Watch
that video as I couldn’t control my gasping and moaning.

“That doesn’t mean everyone else knows and it’s going to stay that way,” Dick
said, “Or all of you are going to pay.”

“Well as a general rule of thumb when you’re not around we like to pretend we
don’t even know who you are,” Cole scoffed, “Please. You’re not that special
Dick. We don’t care about you. Or at least we didn’t until apparently you
decided that taunting him was ok. You know how often he hears that stuff? Guy
can’t even take a compliment because it feels like a come on to him. Last time
I told him he was great he fucking shuddered. You don’t need to do it too. And
worse yet you probably know exactly what it feels like and that’s why you’re
doing it.”

“If any of them said that stuff to me, not that I would tell if they did, it
would make my dick hard but they don’t so I wouldn’t know,” Dick said.

“You’re lying and you fucking know it,” Cole hissed.

“No, I’m not. He gets hard when they say it,” Dick said, “I can prove it if you
want me to.”

“He’s 13. He gets a boner over French fries, he did earlier,” Cole said and Pat
coughed.

“Yeah man. I’m a year older than he is and a lot more developed. If someone
touches me the right way they could turn me on. Like take you for example and I
personally want to break your fucking face,” Pat said.

“Are you going to let me prove that?” Dick asked.

“Fuck no,” Pat hissed, “You touch me you’re dead.”

“Well I’m not interested in touching you anyway,” Dick said looking at me
again.

I had been standing there silent the whole time listening to them fight about
me because I honestly had nothing to say. I felt like not saying anything would
get me into trouble and saying something would let them know what I was. That I
was willing to do anything to avoid having the shit beat out of me while I was
being raped. That I was willing to get on my knees and suck Dick’s cock if it
would keep Allan away from me because he terrified me. They all terrified me.
Yeah, I could get used to being roughed up a little bit but, having my ribs
kicked in was something I didn’t see myself getting used to.

“Dick leave him alone,” Pat said again.

“No, he’s contracted to my dad. My Dad said if I ever asked he had to allow it.
So, I’m not asking. I’m demanding,” Dick said looking at me licking his lips.

“I won’t let you,” Pat said.

“You don’t have any say,” Dick said again, “You hit me, you come after me you
see those pretty green eyes? They pay the price. You want to see his arm
broken? Maybe his leg? Maybe, he’ll have a different type of accident. He does
spend a lot of time with it out. All it takes a squeeze and twist. Now that,
that would really hurt.”

Everything started blinking and my hearing felt underwater. I knew what it was
as it was happening but couldn’t sit down fast enough as the spots started
growing bigger the sun setting and rising really fast and before I knew it, it
went down for good. I had fainted probably from a number of things. One of them
being extreme anxiety and the other being malnutrition.

When I came to Dick was holding me and Cole and Pat were both screaming at him
telling him to leave me alone and I knew what was going on but everything felt
slow, and stupid and it didn’t make sense. I went to go stand and realized my
feet weren’t on the ground but I wasn’t on the ground either that he was
holding me. He shook his head and said something to me I don’t remember
hearing. Almost like my ears weren’t working and things started to become
clearer the longer I looked around.

“Let me go,” I said.

“No,” Dick said, “I don’t think I will but I’ll give you guys a deal. He rides
home with me I won’t do anything right now and I won’t let my dad punish him
for you punching me in the face because he’s probably not walking anywhere. Not
that he should have been anyway. Did you know he was on a feeding tube this
weekend because he’s so tiny?” Dick said looking closely at me, “He weighs like
nothing in my arms right now.”

“Fine,” Pat said, “Fine just don’t hurt him please.”

“All right,” Dick answered, “Ready to stand on your own two feet?”

“Yes,” I said but the moment he put me down I felt unsteady and like I was
going to be sick. I wobbled slightly but Pat rushed to my side.

“You’re all right. I’ve got you,” he told me.

“Don’t let me go with him,” I breathed as Dick started dialing Leo.

“Well you just fainted and you shouldn’t be walking that far anyway. So maybe
it’s better if we just let him take you home ok? I know it sucks and I’m sorry
Rabbit. I really am. I’m sorry I did this to you but, I don’t know what to do,”
Pat told me.

“Making me go with them isn’t going to make me eat anymore then I already am,”
I argued.

“True,” Cole said, “But you don’t need to be burning calories. You need to
consume more of them and walking an hour which is like what three or more miles
home is not going to keep you from losing calories that you need.”

“He’s going…” I said.

“He just said he wouldn’t hurt you. He agreed he wouldn’t,” Pat reminded me.

“You don’t get it Pat. Hurt for them isn’t the same thing as it is for us. He’s
going to do what he wants with me.” I told him.

“Ok, he’s coming and he says he’ll take John home,” Rich said, “He also said I
have some explaining to do about why I missed the bus because I chose not to
tell him on the phone about the fact I was on the bus but someone decided to
deck me and it got us all kicked off and suspended from riding it for a week.”

“You promise you won’t hurt him?” Pat asked Dick again.

“I promise,” Dick said.

“Nothing sexual he doesn’t want,” Pat added.

“Now that…I’m not sure I can promise that,” he said.

“Then I can’t let him go with you and Leo,” Pat said.

“You don’t have a choice,” Dick said, “My Dad will be here any minute. I
suggest you two take off.”

“Pat don’t make me ride with him,” I said looking at Pat.

“You have to,” Pat answered, “I know you hate me right now but I would be a bad
friend if I let you walk with us.”

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t want to do that type of stuff with either of
them,” I answered.

“Then you tell them that ok? And when you get home no matter what I’ll be there
as soon as I can,” Pat told me and I nodded my head, “I think Cole and I should
take off, get a head start. I’ll see you later ok?”

“Ok,” I answered nodding my head.

“Man,” Cole said clapping Pat hard on the back to which I heard an “ow” mumbled
as they started walking away, “I got to give you some major tips here…”

I sighed looking at Dick just kind of hoping he would stay where he was. I
still felt kind of light headed but I didn’t want him anywhere near me. I knew
he would do something bad. That he would make me do something I didn’t want to
do. I didn’t care if he was gay and had a crush on me I wasn’t interested in
him. No matter how much he pursued or pressured me I didn’t see that changing
anytime soon especially when his Da had me…sandwiched between me and a mattress
at least twice a day every weekend.

“I have a question,” Dick said looking at me.

“What?” I asked him, “And please don’t say what I think you’re going to.”

“No, it’s a serious question,” Dick stated, “Are you going to tell everyone
what they said?”

“Dick, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t talk to anyone. I talk to Pat
and I talk to Dom and Cole and Will and sometimes I talk with Tosh or someone
else but hardly ever do I talk to anyone outside of the brotherhood. That and
all of the bottoms have probably already guessed that’s what you’re deal is
so…why do you care?” I asked him.

“I don’t …people just don’t need to know things about me,” Dick answered.

“I know more about you then I would like to,” I answered, “If you treated
everyone better you wouldn’t draw so much attention then you could be
invisible.”

“You mean like you?” Dick asked me, “You’re very much not invisible.” He said
coming towards me grabbing my forearms tightly and holding me there.

“Let me go,” I said trying to jerk away as he tightened his grip.

“You’re ok. I’m just looking at you,” Dick said and I shook my head.

“I’m not ok with this. Let me go,” I said again still trying to jerk away as my
bones started to hurt.

“Shhh…calm down. You’re going to hurt yourself,” he told me.

“No, you’re the one who is going to hurt me. Let me go Rich please,” I asked.

“One kiss,” Dick said looking at me that look flashing in his eyes. Not the
look of angry lust but regular lust.

I sighed. I really didn’t want to kiss him but he was hurting me. I hated it
when they kissed me. The only person I let kiss me was Pat because Pat felt
good, tasted good, smelled good. Pat was nice and gentle and safe and would
never ever force me to kiss him if I said no.

“Ok just…” Before I could finish the sentence, he had shoved his tongue in my
mouth and almost down my throat.

It wasn’t pleasant, his hands going from my forearms to my neck making it so I
couldn’t break it couldn’t even pull my face away from his. I clawed at his
hand on the back of my neck until I screamed into his mouth trying to break
away. I didn’t like the heat of his mouth on mine, his tongue gliding across my
teeth. It made me feel sick and scared and I felt like I was running out of air
trying to pull his face off of mine. He heard a horn honk at us and finally let
go of the back of neck allowing me to pull away and wipe my mouth on the back
of my hand.

“Nice,” Leo said from the front seat rolling down the window, “Did I interrupt
something?”

“Only slightly,” Dick said smiling at Leo.

“I see that. You’re lucky none of the good priest are standing around. Even
though Gus is watching from the window over there, but that’s just Gus,” Leo
said.

I felt my face go red. This was awesome. My life was fucking awesome. Could I
just get hit by a car already? They all treated me like I was something to
touch, to use, to stare at and to mock.

“It’s ok baby. I have to take you home and you Rich,” Leo said, “I want to know
why you missed the bus. John could you get in the back?”

“Yes sir,” I said opening up the back door and freezing noticing the back seat
was folded down which had never been a good sign in the past. Not when it came
to keeping my integrity intact. I climbed into the back and sighed.

“So, Rich,” Leo said pulling the car out of park, “Care to tell me what
happened?”

“I got socked in the face,” Rich stated.

“Well can I ask why?” Leo said.

“Well I overheard someone say they did something, didn’t hear what. I asked
what and fire crotch here asked me what I wanted and apparently his friend was
not ok with hearing that so I said I could do whatever I wanted to him. And
that got me punched in the face,” Dick answered.

“Yeah when people aren’t happy with the truth they can be harsh,” Leo said
shaking his head, “Care to tell me who it was?”

“Kingly,” Dick answered.

“I’ll call his Dad,” Leo sighed.

“Could you not?” I asked quietly.

“Why do you care?” Leo asked me.

“He’s my best friend,” I answered.

“What will you do? You know, to keep him safe?” Leo asked me.

I sighed thinking of the last time my life depended on Pat. How he hadn’t
looked away how he had watched making sure he kept his eyes on me while I had
shut mine trying to shut the experience out. The experience of the whips and
paddles and fingers scratching at my hips.

“Anything,” I answered reluctantly.

“Yeah?” Leo asked me, “You want to start Rich? I’ll pull over and give you some
time alone with him in the back. I swear I’ll take a walk no matter how much I
would love to see it.”

“Yeah that sounds like fun,” Dick said to his Dad.

“Should I undress or?” I asked feeling that my cheeks were hot. I knew Pat
would have done the same for me so I should just suck it up and let them do it.
I had seen him literally blow father McClairen to protect me so if I had to
take it up the ass for him I would. Because if Hank heard about Pat being
kicked off the bus for a week he would be beat Pat black and blue and I knew
it. Hell, he’d probably let Arthur beat him black and blue and Arthurs
punishments usually came with a fist in places you didn’t want one to be.

Just then we made it to the park halfway between home and school I wrapped my
arms around my knees pulling them to my chest as I heard Dick digging through
his book bag in the front seat. Leo smiled back at me before whispering
something in Dick’s ear. I felt numb. I wasn’t really paying attention to
whatever it was they said but I knew I felt scared goose pumps already pricking
up along my arms as Leo parked the car and got out, as Dick did the same.

I tried to breathe. I tried to tell myself to just breathe that if I didn’t it
would worse for Pat. That everything would be worse for Pat if I didn’t just do
it. I closed my eyes trying to focus on my breathing as Dick climbed into the
back of the SUV with me. As he cupped my cheek with his hand looking at me.

“You don’t have to be scared. I’m not going to hurt you,” he told me kissing my
cheek before he loosened the tie around my neck. He took it off letting it fall
beside me as he stared into my eyes, the look there making me nervous,
reminding me why he was there. He started pulling my vest over my head.

“Slow down,” I breathed pulling away slightly making him stop.

“I’m really not going to hurt you. I don’t plan on it. I swear,” Dick said.

“I really don’t want to do this,” I barely managed to stutter clenching my
hands into fist.

“Just close your eyes and focus on who you’re doing it for. Maybe you’ll even
enjoy it a little bit?” He said raising his eyebrows at me as he started
undoing my button up his hand gliding down my clavicle to my under shirt.

He wasn’t hurting me. Just like my Da and Leo he was being gentle. Moving
slowly trying not to scare me. The pace just made me that much more scared my
heart trying to break free of my ribs like a caged bird flapping its wings
fighting towards freedom.

“Can we just talk please?” I said him as his hand slid up my stomach lifting my
undershirt up my ribs.

“For a minute,” he said sitting back and sighing heavily, “What’s up?”

“Why do you want to…you know?” I asked him feeling my cheeks burn with the
question.

I honestly didn’t see anything attractive or appealing about myself. I thought
I was disgusting. That I was something to be used and thrown away. Something
that they pushed into walls and forced to do things I didn’t want. I honestly
didn’t see any reason why anyone would want to be near me other than to hurt
me, to make me cry and scream and make me want to die.

“Well,” Dick sighed looking at me, “You’re sweet. You might not see it that way
but you’re sweet and shy and quiet. I might seem like a loud asshole but I
don’t know. If I was allowed to date I’d date someone like you.”

“Your Da doesn’t let you date?” I asked.

Dick sighed looking at me, “No, I’m still a bottom even if I’m a tracker. It’s
not like different rules apply to me until I am a recruit. I can’t just date.
Any relationship I have has to be within the brotherhood and has to be approved
otherwise…it’s you know. It is what it is.”

“Why me?” I asked.

“I told you. I like you and it’s not like you’re going to tell everyone. At
least that’s what I thought until I got punched in the face,” Dick told me.

“I should have figured he’d do that. I mean I told him about what happened
between you and Dom and he got pissed and he’s even more so…” I started
blushing.

“Hey, I’m not going to put my nose in your business but you should watch that.
If you love him, if you value your own life you should put some distance there.
Because the fact he would hall off and hit me when I’m a level five tracker
doesn’t spell anything good for him,” Dick pointed out to me.

“Yeah, I realize,” I answered.

“Tell him to back off then,” Dick said, “Tell him to back off or he’s looking
to get killed.”

I just nodded my head in response. I loved him. I loved him so much he felt
like air. I couldn’t imagine my life without Pat. If that meant I had to put
some space between us I would do it no matter how badly it hurt. I just had to
figure out how.

“All right,” Dick said finally pulling my under shirt over my head, “God you’re
so thin.”

“And yet you still had to restrain me,” I mumbled as he forced me to lay back
straddling my hips making me feel weird.

“I didn’t have to. I kind of didn’t want to waste the time,” Dick said.

“Waste the time on what? I was naked,” I pointed out as his hands went to my
belt and I pushed them away.

Dick sighed heavily pinning my arms above my head kissing my neck making me
whine, “With the fight. I mean sometimes it can be hot but sometimes it’s just
frustrating and boring. So …you know best way to cut it short is to inhibit it.
A trick I learned from my Dad.”

“Please Rich, stop,” I said not even really whining or pleading but just
asking. Just seeing if I could appeal to his human decency.

“This is the only way I get any you realize?” He asked me and he laughed
lightly as I started to buck trying to push him off of me, “You’re eyes just
went so wide Johnny. Relax, you might like it.”

“No, stop,” I begged as he moved both my wrist to one hand. I could feel the
bones grinding against each other as he squeezed them his other hand going to
my belt to undo it. I stared kicking my legs. I didn’t want him touching me. I
didn’t want his mouth on me, which he made very clear was what he wanted. I
started screaming. shrieking like a scream queen does in a horror movie because
I wanted him off of me and I couldn’t stop him.

All of the sudden the door of the SUV opened and there was Leo standing there
with some duct tape in his hand, “If you can’t be quieter I will tape your
mouth shut. And when I rip it off I will make sure it’s fast and hard. And you
I thought you could handle him.”

“He moves a lot,” Dick answered shrugging his shoulders.

“You want me to hold him down? I mean usually you aren’t too happy when I offer
to help but in this case since something seems to be stopping you from using
your full strength would you mind… because I don’t want to be walking around
out here all day waiting for you to finish,” Leo said.

Dick sighed and thought about it, “Yeah ok,” he said as Leo climbed in by my
head and shut the door.

Leo didn’t waste any time taping my mouth shut and taking my wrist from Dick
holding one in each hand as he looked at me closely. I felt Dick unstraddle me
finally free enough to be able to undo my belt and pants and slide them down my
legs making me moan as I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Hey just relax. You’ll be fine. This isn’t your first rodeo baby,” he said
looking down at me as I moaned behind the tape again shaking my head, “Hey
relax. Just let it happen.”

I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to let them do this even if I was
doing it for Pat. Dick’s hands moving along my sides as he straddled me again
bending over top of me and kissing my neck and chest, his breath heavy and
thick against my skin. I closed my eyes trying to block it out. Trying to block
out the fact it was Dick and Leo and not who I really wished it could be. His
hands went under the waist band of my boxers on either side pulling them down
and off. The reveal making my hardness evident to them, springing free from my
boxers as Dick sat up and looked at me.

“Come on baby it’ll be fun just like last time,” he said even though I had my
eyes closed, cupping the side of my face in his hand causing me to shake my
head vigorously back and forth as I started crying. He kissed some of my tears
away his lips brushing against my cheek feather light making me shake my head
some more.

“You’re fine,” Leo told me his hands running up and down my forearms stroking.
Stroking as if he were trying to comfort me while his son’s kisses started
trailing down my body following the right side of my clavicle to the center of
my chest and then starting to kiss down ward. His hands leading the way slowly
running over my nipples and rib cage to my hips before stopping. He gripped my
hips lightly as his tongue and lips trailed down the center of my chest.

When his tongue dipped into my belly button I felt that horrible electric
static that made my eyes go wide causing Leo to laugh at me as Dick’s tongue
slid lower down my pelvic bone as he took my hardness in his hands before I
felt his lips slid around it making me scream. The sound coming out a muffled
cry due to the duct tape on my mouth. The heat made me feel like I was melting
from the inside out. Both my face and groin going hot as the blood rushed to
both and I tried to just breathe, struggling because of the duct tape on my
mouth. His fingers started circling my puckered asshole causing me to squirm
trying to move away from his hands as he slid is tongue over my tip making me
jump.

“You’re so hard,” Dick pulled me out of his mouth the air making a popping
noise as he broke contact, “You like it? I bet you’d like it even more if you
let me get my fingers up in there to pet that spot, want me to?”

I shook my head as Leo leaned over top of me pushing his weight down on me.
Dick moved shifting his weight as I felt his fingers again. This time wet like
they were coated in something one of them pushing in making me cry out against
my tape again.

“Just let it happen. Remember who you’re doing this for so they don’t get
strung up and whipped right baby?” Leo breathed kissing the tape over top of my
mouth as I tried to take a deep breath and relax.

He was right. I was doing this for Pat because I loved him. Because I thought
it would hurt him less to have me squirming underneath Leo and Dick. To have me
not able to breathe hating myself. For some stupid reason, I thought that would
be easier for him.

He slid his other finger in after a few minutes him actually muttering
excitedly when I jumped as he hit my prostate. All I could hear after a few
minutes was my heart beating as I tried to block out how it felt, how my body
was reacting to it as he wrapped his mouth around me again licking and sucking,
teasing. After I was beyond dripping and he felt I was stretched out enough he
put a condom on sliding inside.

“Dad quit watching,” Dick muttered running his hands through my hair and
kissing on my neck as he started to thrust in and out.

“Hey, it’s not like I haven’t seen it before,” Leo replied

“Yeah Dad but come on. I don’t watch you when you’re with him,” he said still
moving as I started to struggle. Nothing about this was turning me on even
though by this point it wasn’t terrifying me either.

I didn’t orgasm with Dick on top of me or inside me even though he somehow
managed to. When he was done he pulled up his pants and climbed over into the
front seat muttering he was going for a walk as Leo climbed on top of me
getting ready to do the same thing.

“Sorry about that baby he’s kind of… well he’s young. He’s a little selfish but
I’ll make you feel good,” Leo told me and I shook my head, “And you’re all
stretched out and ready to go for me.”

He climbed on top of me pushing his way inside the feeling of fullness making
me uncomfortable. I hated that feeling because it hurt and always felt like I
was trying to take a crap in reverse. I moaned lightly feeling tired and used
already not wanting to do this anymore.

“Give me a second and I’ll take the tape off ok baby?” He said, forcing me to
wrap my legs around his waist as he started pushing up inside me setting very
cell in my body one fire with that cold horrible tickle making me whine through
the duct tape again.

“I know baby. I know just, give it a second,” he said doing it again.

I hated that. The way it felt. How it felt good but bad all at once. He knew it
too. Worse yet he liked it. He liked seeing me suffer. They all did. He started
mumbling to himself as he went using my body to reach his peak, pushing at me,
pressing. Hitting my prostate with each thrust inward his hands massaging my
arms gently, slowly.

He didn’t rip the tape from my mouth fast like he had promised he would at
least not until the last second but it did it slowly, hurting. The pain giving
me something else to focus on besides the way he was making my insides jump.
When he got it mostly off he slammed his mouth into mine forcing me to kiss
him. Forcing his tongue past my lips as he continued to go my body already
overly sensitive.

“Please,” I barely whispered when he pulled away.

“Don’t worry baby. I’m already there and then I’ll make you feel great. I’ll
make your eyes roll I promise,” he said before he made this gasping sound above
me, “Oh god yeah. You feel so good baby.”

I felt my eyes go wide as the tickling, the heat got to be too much. I felt
like something was crushing my chest as I started to pant harder as I got
closer to orgasm. I wanted to moan and it was getting harder and harder to hold
it in by the second my face turning red with the effort.

“Let it go baby. Just let it happen. You know it will happen anyway,” Leo
breathed, “Come on baby moan for me. Make those perfect little sounds you
make.”

I closed my eyes as I felt him run his hand through my hair, “Come on baby it’s
ok. It’s ok that it feels good.”

I couldn’t hold the sound back in my throat anymore the whimper escaping me.
Making him smile above me as I started mewling my body not able to take it
anymore as I started to reach my peak. My whole body was shaking every pet
against my prostate causing my body to throb with the want of release.

“No,” I moaned shaking my head slowly my lips trembling as I started to cry.

“Just cum. Just let it happen baby. I promise it’ll feel good,” Leo repeated.

“No, it hurts,” I answered.

“It won’t hurt anymore if you let it happen baby. I promise. I swear to you. We
both want it. You know deep down somewhere you want it. If you don’t give it to
me imagine what Pat is going to go through. How much it’s going to hurt him.
How bad that whip feels. How it stings after the leather pulls away. How
beautiful those little moans are going to sound,” He said, “OH fuck yeah.”

I couldn’t hold back anymore. I felt the heat push outward like flood waters
breaking a dam. My whole body shuddered as it squeezed around him. He came
inside of me the feeling of the wet slime coating my insides as I tried to just
breathe.

“That’s a good boy,” he breathed resting his head on my chest kissing my sweaty
naked body, “That’s my beautiful boy.”

He shifted his weight his hand trailing down my naked body. I didn’t want him
to anymore. I wanted to stop. I knew I was doing this for Pat but I wanted to
stop. I knew I was crying, close to sobbing because I just wanted him to stop.
I didn’t want to have to feel it anymore just like always.

“Please,” I whimpered, “Please don’t Leo, please.”

“It’ll feel really nice and I know that you like that tongue tickling you right
there that warmness around you,” Leo said his hand starting to coax me back to
hardness.

“No please,” I begged again.

“So, you want Pat to hurt?” Leo said, “I wonder how he’d feel knowing that.
Knowing you’d do it for Will, for Mikey and Matty and James even but not for
him.”

“I need you to stop,” I begged again as I became fully erect again his thumb
gently gliding against my tip.

“That’s it. That’s my good boy,” he said moving so his face was level with my
groin wrapping his arms around my thighs to spread them open so he could have
the angle he wanted. I felt his tongue glide down the underside of my shaft.

I went quiet. He was right I was willing to do it for my brothers even for Dom.
I needed to be willing to do it for Pat. I was willing to let my Da lay with
me, whisper horrible things in my ear that I knew were true for the night so
Will didn’t have to be the one to deal with it but, not Pat? What kind of
friend was I?

He took me in his mouth. His tongue teasing my slit as his hands massaged my
balls making my eyes start to roll almost immediately causing him to squeeze my
base slightly sending a zap of pain through me, “Not yet,” he said against my
skin, “I get to say when.”

I exhaled deeply. While I had people do that before they hadn’t done it stop me
from climax. The idea that he was trying to tell my body when it was ok to do
to cum upset me even more than him making me cum. They controlled everything
about me now he wanted to control that too? That wasn’t fair.

He started sucking again his tongue doing something that made my heart feel
like it was fluttering the buildup of release in my body waiting for
permission, stinging and burning a little as it grew deeper and more urgent. I
knew I was panting heavily that my eyes were half lidded as I tried to keep
myself from begging him to stop, from crying.

“Come on baby,” he cooed against my skin, “Make those delicious sounds for me
please.”

I allowed myself to let out a small whimper as he did something else before
inserting two fingers inside of me making me mewl again as my body bucked
forward trying to get his fingers out of me as he started petting my prostate
again.

It didn’t take long for me to reach the point where I couldn’t control it.
Where my body stopped moving and my eyes went wide, my back arching of its own
accord. He wrapped that warmness around me as I came, sucking down my seed
eagerly. I couldn’t breathe or at least that’s how I felt trying to catch
enough air to make myself feel better. To make my body stop shaking and my
vision stop fluttering.

“God, you taste so good. Why do you always taste so good?” Leo said kissing me
hard on the mouth trying to force his tongue past my lips. I laid there trying
to turn my head away from him so he would stop. His hands gently rubbed up and
down my hips. My hips where bruises were starting to sprout from both him and
Dick grabbing onto them hard, digging into them to keep a grip on me.

When I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to he sighed sitting up starting to
pull his pants back up and looking at me carefully. I hated the way I felt like
I needed a shower that lasted forever the water so hot it would scald my skin
off. Not just because of what they had said and done but because of how I
hadn’t been able to control my body. How my back had arched in response to his
sucking drawing that feeling forward from me. How strongly it had felt. How
invasive it had been and that I hadn’t been able to stop it from feeling that
way.

“Can I…?” I swallowed sitting up my whole body still shaking.

“It’s may I and yes you are allowed to put your clothes back on,” Leo said as
he handed me my underwear and I started rifling around finding the rest of my
clothes only putting my undershirt and pants back on because it was really hot.

Leo opened the door and called out to Dick who was somewhere not too far away
and he climbed into the passenger seat. I sighed not wanting to be in the car
with him. Not really wanting to be in a car with either of them the only thing
keeping me from jumping out as the car switched gears to pull out of the
parking spot was the realization that I was going home. That Pat said he would
be there.

“You should always finish your partner Rich,” Leo chided Dick for a second.

“He didn’t seem in the mood so I skipped it,” Dick answered shrugging.

“Well he’s never going to seem in the mood until you have him right on the
edge. You should know that. We used to play enough that you should realize
that,” Leo said.

“Don’t remind me,” Dick said shaking his head and snorting.

“Maybe that’s exactly what I need to do,” Leo commented.

“Hey that’s a part of the agreement you made with me and mom to get her to keep
her mouth shut remember?” Dick hissed flinching as I assumed Leo put his hand
on Dick’s knee.

“Yeah, I remember. Doesn’t mean someone else can’t,” Leo said.

“I’m getting ready for recruit track. You know that,” Dick hissed, “You can’t
force me to do anything. All of my contracts are up to me now.”

“Yeah but that means you have to pick someone and soon. You got it?” Leo
answered.

“Yeah, I know. I’m looking. I just haven’t…” Dick shrugged his shoulders.

“Well make your decision before Mr. Lord makes one for you. Because you have to
do what he says and he’ll pick someone you probably won’t like,” Leo answered.

“I got it,” Dick muttered looking out the window.

“You get to pick your own contracts after a while?” I asked curious.

“Depends,” Leo answered simply, “If you decide to become a tracker after you
turn 17 it’s one of the perks. However, it has to be agreeable. If you want to
belong to a certain handler and he wants you then Mr. Lord agrees, it’’ll
happen. Your contract will teach you things. Different rules that bottoms
aren’t privy to. Those sorts of things.”

“Oh,” I answered quietly.

“Sorry I didn’t finish you up John,” Dick said to me as we pulled into my drive
way.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” I answered quietly waiting for Leo to park
the car.

“Next time he will,” Leo assured me. The thought making me want to shudder,
“I’ll see you Friday ok?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as I opened the door making sure I had my backpack
and rest of my uniform before I shut the car door.

I walked around to the kitchen door in the back and heard splashing and
laughter not far off. It was too early for Cat and James to be home from school
still and I thought Da would be working. I had no idea who was in the pool or
why. So, I set my stuff down gently and walked up to the privacy fence that
surrounded the pool opening the gate.

I had seen Hank naked before but seeing him shirtless in the gleaming sunlight
was not something I ever wanted and at that moment I knew why. It was an image
I will never forget. His body dripping with the water as he tackled Ben from
behind, forcing uncle Ben’s head under the water as I looked around noticing
the babies floating by themselves at the shallow end of the pool watching them
mess around.

“Shouldn’t you two be watching them?” I asked grabbing Hank’s full attention
long enough for Uncle Ben to resurface.

“Oh, we are,” Hank said.

“Hi Johnny. Want to come play?” Uncle Ben taunted making me stiffen and shake
my head, “Really? Why else would you come out this way?”

“I heard a noise so I was wondering what it was,” I answered shrugging my
shoulders, “I thought you weren’t allowed to…anyway.”

“Oh, we’re not but, would you honestly tell on us if we did?” Hank said smiling
starting to walk towards the shallow end towards me and the babies.

“Where is Alice?” I asked concerned that they had been alone with them and not
knowing how long things had been that way.

“She’ll be back in a minute or two. She just went to the bathroom,” Uncle Ben
answered, “Why afraid we’re training them already?”

“No just…” I shrugged my shoulders coming forward and grabbing for Mary pulling
her out of the water and setting her on the pavement next to the pool.

Hank came forward and grabbed Mac picking him up. Mac frowned, squirming a
little but not really saying anything or acting scared. Hank raised an eyebrow
his hand purposefully going to grab Mac somewhere it shouldn’t.

“Stop,” I warned him, “Give him to me.”

“Why? Afraid I’m going to hurt him? It won’t hurt,” Hank said.

“Please,” I said pulling my shirt up over my head, “Just don’t.”

“Are you going to do something for me?” He asked licking his lips.

“Maybe,” I said quietly not able to look at him anymore, “If…if you let him go
you could find out.”

“He’s more my type you realize?” He asked me.

“He’s just a baby,” I countered, “He’s not even your type yet. I know you like
young but I think one is a little under your age limit. Isn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Hank admitted coming over to the edge of the pool and putting Mac on
the cement over the top, “Come here,”

“Wait in the pool?” I asked feeling slightly nervous, “I don’t have my swim
suit with me.”

“No but you can skinny dip. It’s not like your uncle and I haven’t seen it
before baby,” Hank said looking at me as I snatched Mac away to safety.

“Oh goodness are you two not watching these babies like you should?” I heard
Alice say and I sighed in relief thanking god for the fact she had showed up.
Because while she wouldn’t stop them they wouldn’t be stupid enough to try
anything in front of her.

Alice grabbed Mac up, “John sugar can you please grab Mary and hand Seamus to
me? Laura dear and Andy, could you please follow us inside?”

“Yes, Auntie Alice,” Laura answered climbing out of the pool and Andy followed
her as I handed Seamus to Alice and she balanced him on her other hip.

“Thank you,” I mouthed at her as I grabbed Mary and we started walking towards
the house.

“Those two are trouble,” Alice said shaking her head, “Are you all right
Sugar?” Alice asked me.

“Yeah thanks,” I answered.

“You seem upset anything wrong? You were late coming home from school,” Alice
said as I held the door open for her and Laura and Andy.

“I didn’t make the bus,” I answered. Not wanting to elaborate. Not wanting to
tell her about how I got a ride home from Leo and Dick how they had stopped so
they could do things to me. Tell her how badly I felt like I needed a shower.

“Well you look like you’re not feeling well so why don’t we go upstairs and you
lay down?” She told me and I nodded my head in agreement.

As we got in the elevator one of the coms went off it was Da telling us to let
Vic up onto the fourth floor so I sighed and told Alice I would get it. I went
up to the front door and let him in. When I opened the door, he looked
surprised to see me.

“You were supposed to go from school straight to bed what are you doing up?”
Vic asked.

“I just got home,” I answered.

“Why what happened? Miss the bus?” He asked me.

“Not exactly,” I answered sheepishly.

“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked me.

“Dick, I mean Rich. I ride the bus with him, we, we ride the bus with him he
basically told Pat that he could force me to do whatever it was he wanted. So,
Pat punched him in the face and Pat, Cole, Dick, I mean Rich and I all got
kicked off the bus for a week,” I answered.

“Ok,” Vic said as we walked back upstairs to the second floor, “Is that really
what happened? Is there another reason Pat might have socked Rich or thought
that doing so was a good idea?”

“I told Pat what Rich said to me while I was at Leo’s house,” I answered
quietly, “I didn’t think he’d sock him for it, I just…I needed to let someone
know everything that’s been happening with Leo, and Rich and …” I paused
swallowing, “Will and Da.”

“Will?” Vic asked me quietly, “Hey come here,” he said opening up the guest
bedroom that mum usually stayed in but looked completely unoccupied at the
moment, “What’s going on with Will.”

I shook my head, “Nothing,” I barely mumbled.

“You wouldn’t say his name if there wasn’t something going on. What happened?”
Vic asked me quietly.

“Da made me,” I said and Vic nodded his head in understanding.

“That happens a lot between brothers in the brotherhood, are you ok?” He asked
me.

“I think he hates me,” I answered.

“I’m sure Will doesn’t hate you. He’s in this too you know? He knows that you
have a body just like he does and sometimes it does things that you don’t want
it to,” Vic said.

“How do you know?” I asked wondering how he knew that’s what had happened. That
I had come from touching Will. From forcing Will to have sex with me. That I
felt ashamed. I that couldn’t stop my body from responding the way it did to
his.

“I have a little brother. He’s older now but when I was a little bit older then
you are now a couple things happened and…it made stuff awkward for us for a
while,” Vic answered honestly.

“What happened after?” I asked.

“We didn’t talk for a while,” Vic answered, “It was hard to deal with. He
understood but that’s something that I think I harder time with then he did. I
hated myself for it for a long time. Because I felt like it made me no better
than our father who was and still is a sick piece of shit. It took a long time
for me to realize that just because my body reacted to what was happening
didn’t mean I psychologically enjoyed it. It doesn’t mean I wanted it or that I
feel that way about him. It just means my reproductive system is healthy. You
have to try and remind yourself of that ok? You didn’t want it. Just because
your body did what bodies do doesn’t change that.”

I sighed nodding my head understanding what he meant. That just because I
reacted didn’t mean I loved my brother in that way, in a way I wasn’t supposed
to. And it didn’t mean I wanted to have sex with him or any of my other
siblings. It just was what it was. I had probably saved my brother from
experiencing pain because I had stretched him out before my Da had gotten to
him, probably saving him from more discomfort in process.

“Ok, is there a scale in this bathroom?” Vic asked me changing the topic.

“I think so why?” I asked confused for a minute.

“Weight,” Vic said, “I have to check your weight.”

“Do you think I gained weight?” I asked confused and slightly scared that I had
gained weight that quickly.

“No actually I’m making sure you haven’t lost a significant amount. Usually we
lose and gain the same five pounds of water weight repeatedly during the day
especially if we’re very physically active so if you walked home which I’m
going to assume you did considering how disheveled you appear to be and how
tired you look I’m expecting you to weigh in at anywhere between 85 to 91
pounds,” Vic said.

“I didn’t walk home,” I answered.

“How did you get home then?” He asked me.

“Leo,” I said and felt my lip tremble.

Vic sighed, “You ok?”

“I just…I’m tired,” I answered, “Pat said he would be here as soon as he could.
I was going to walk with him and Cole until Dick pointed out how underweight I
am. That I was on a feeding tube all weekend then everyone agreed that maybe
Dick I mean Rich, Rich should call Leo and have him drive me home. I only went
because Dick said he would make sure Leo didn’t punish me for Pat socking him.”

“How did that work out?” Vic asked.

“I’m tired,” I answered again.

“So, Leo only let you rest the weekend?” Vic asked me.

“Can we not talk about it?” I asked quietly.

“Do you need me to look at you?” Vic asked.

“I’d prefer to keep my clothes on until I can go upstairs and get into my own
shower if you don’t mind,” I answered.

“Ok,” Vic said nodding his head, “Come on.”

We went into the bathroom and he had me stand on the scale on the floor
backwards and sighed when he looked at it. I was wondering how much I weighed
not because I wanted to actively weigh less but because I was curious as to how
close I was to disappearing. How many pounds of me there was left.

“How does it look?” I asked.

“About what I expected,” Vic said nodding his head, “Go upstairs take your
shower, relax,” Vic said as we stepped out of the room and found Pat and Will
walking up the back steps from the kitchen.
***** 33 *****
Chapter Summary
     John makes it home from his ordeal to find Pat and Will there,
     worried about him. They talk about things in his room mainly, pretty
     boring chapter actually
Chapter Notes
     Pages 655 to 663 I know it's a little short but, it's also a little
     late and I didn't have to move anything around to make an ending that
     made sense. It was a perfect spot to stop. Happy thanksgiving (late I
     know) to all the Americans out there. I hope it was a good holiday
     for you. Warnings: Consensual kissing, consensual cuddling, underage,
     talk of rape/non-con, talk of emotional manipulation/black mail,
     mental health issues, Eating Disorder,
“Oh, thank god,” Pat breathed hugging me tightly, “I was so worried that maybe
they wouldn’t bring you home at all. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m ok,” I answered back burying my head in his shoulder. I hugged him.
Closing my eyes as I tried not to cry. Trying not to let him know what had
happened even though I could have sworn he could smell it on me.

“You’re safe,” Pat said kissing the crown of my head, “You’re safe Rabbit. I
promise.”

“You know they probably did something?” Will said quietly.

“They did,” Vic confirmed and I felt Pat nod.

“Let’s get you upstairs huh Rabbit? Get you in the shower. Make you all nice
and clean and fed all right?” Pat muttered.

I let him walk me backwards into the lift and down the hall into my bedroom. He
helped me out of my clothes but nothing felt sexual about it. It was calm, slow
and relaxed. He turned the water on helping me sit in the bottom of the tub as
he grabbed the shower poof and started rubbing my back gently, lovingly as he
told me it was ok. That I was going to be ok. He told me he loved me. He
whispered it into my shoulder blades over and over as he let me cry into my
knees.

That was something I loved about Pat. Whenever I was feeling badly because of
what they had done he never forced himself on me. He never made me feel like I
owed him anything for being there. He just offered me the best comfort he could
which was sometimes just sitting there while I cried and other times it was
rocking me as he ran his hand through my hair and cuddled me.

When I decided I was done Pat helped me up wrapping a towel around me and
helping me to bed where he left me for a few minutes. When he came back into
the room he handed me a sandwich and a bowl of soup from the kitchen, “Dinner,”
he said setting it on the night stand beside the bed before holding the
sandwich to my lips.

“I’m not hungry,” I told him burying my head into his chest listening to his
heartbeat, closing my eyes.

“Rabbit you have to eat,” Pat told me, “Please if you can’t do it for you, do
it for me.”

I sighed nodding my head. I wasn’t hungry at all. I just wanted to sleep my
body sore in several different places.

“Thank you. Now eat the sandwich ok?” He said as I took bites from the sandwich
he held in his hand.

I managed to actually finish the sandwich and managed three or four spoonful’s
of the soup before I couldn’t eat anymore and then he just held me. He held me
and told me random things about TV show’s he had seen recently and about Tosh
and Cole and how they were doing. How they had gone to the beach the three of
them that weekend and it had been fun.

“We ended up throwing Penny’s at old fart Freddy until he swore chasing Tosh
off waving his little basket thing in the air I nearly died,” Pat told me
laughing his chest bouncing lightly with the action under my head.

“I wish I could have been there,” I said quietly Pat lacing his fingers though
mine holding my hand kissing my knuckles.

“Soon hopefully,” Pat said, “How did your weekend go?”

“I already told you,” I answered sighing, “I got to Leo’s he raped me. Dick
came in and told me he wanted to do something to me too, something happened I
don’t know what it’s kind of foggy and I ended up tied to the bed with a tube
down my nose putting liquid food in my stomach. The rest of the weekend I was
only allowed untied to go to the bathroom. He did however make sure I had a
remote so…”

“So, you watched a lot of TV?” Pat asked me, “You see anything good?”

“No,” I answered shaking my head, “I don’t know. There wasn’t a lot on and I
was just tired. I remember watching beast master a little bit but it wasn’t
really that interesting. I fell back to sleep after a while.”

“Doesn’t that air like five times on Saturday?” Pat asked me rubbing my
shoulder.

“Yeah pretty much. That’s why I had no idea what time it was. He didn’t really
touch me other than the first time though,” I answered.

“Do you think that’s why he…?” Pat stopped short sighing.

“Probably that and I said I would,” I mumbled quietly causing Pat to stiffen,
to look at me.

“Rabbit what do you mean you said you would?” He asked me his brow furrowing in
confusion and what I thought at the time was disgust.

“He said if I did he wouldn’t tell Hank. That he wouldn’t let them know what
happened. That…” He cut me off.

“That fucking piece of shit,” Pat hissed, “He made you so I didn’t get a
beating? I can take a beating. I can take it! I would have been fine. What was
Dad going to do tie me down and shove that fucking vibrator up my ass while
Arthur whipped me and broke my foot again? I could have handled it.”

“I need you though,” I answered, “I need you to be well so you can …” I felt my
tears start falling again, “I can’t do this alone. And I feel so alone all the
time Pat. Whenever you’re not with me I can’t stand it. I don’t even have Will
now because I know he hates me.”

He hugged me tightly running a hand through my hair, “Shhh…Will doesn’t hate
you Rabbit and you’re very very far from alone. I swear to you, you will NEVER
be alone in this. Even when I’m not here, I’m here ok? I’m a phone call away.
If you ever needed me for anything you could call at any time I don’t care what
I’m doing. I would drop everything and come here even if I was crawling on my
hands and knees to get here. I swear to you. You will never be alone, not ever.
I love you so much. You don’t even know.”

“No, he does,” I mumbled, “I know he does.”

Just then I heard a knock on the door and Pat called for the person to come in.
It was Will. I wasn’t sure I was ready to have that talk with him. About what
had happened. About how I had done those things to him. How I hadn’t been
willing to stop Da, to keep it from happening.

“You guys want me to go?” He asked as I buried my face in his chest again.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I kept mumbling.

“Hey, Shhh…Shhh…you’re ok Rabbit it’s ok, Shhh…oh my sweet Rabbit. You didn’t
do anything, you’re ok,” Pat said rubbing my shoulders.

“He’s right John. You didn’t do anything. It was Da. I’m not stupid,” Will said
quietly sitting down on the bed near our feet, “You can stay Pat it’s ok. You
already know what happened I’m guessing.”

“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head as he kissed my cheek, “He thinks you hate
him still.”

“John, I could never hate you,” Will said, “You remember what he said? He said
do it or I’ll go get Mike, do it or I’ll make sure it hurts. You were
protecting me and Mike. You weren’t doing it because you wanted to. You were
doing it so he wouldn’t. We did it so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else, both of us.
We both made that choice. So, don’t act like it was all on you. I was there
too, I made that choice too.”

“Yeah but you didn’t…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence, “orgasm inside of
my body, you didn’t cum in my mouth. You didn’t cum inside me not once but
twice.” I couldn’t even mention it at the time I was so ashamed of it. So
ashamed that it had happened when it shouldn’t have. When I felt like it
shouldn’t have.

“Because he didn’t make me,” Will insisted, “He could have very easily made me
be the one to get on top, you don’t know. You heard him though and you know
just like I know; he meant it. He would have hurt me. He would have hurt Mike
and neither one of us could have lived with that. This, what we did, we can
live with that. In my eyes, there is nothing to forgive you for because you
were protecting me the only way you could. Even if that meant climbing on top
of me and…” Will’s breath hitched in his throat and made a wheezing noise, “You
were doing the only thing you could. Don’t hate yourself for that, please.”

“I told you he doesn’t hate you at all Rabbit,” Pat said and I finally braved
looking up at Will looking into his eyes.

Pat was right all I saw there was worry. Not that I would hurt him but that I
would never forgive myself. That I would never be the same. That I would never
be able to talk to him again or look him in the eyes. He sighed when he saw me
looking closely at him and threw his arms around my neck.

“I’m fine really,” Will told me, “There’s nothing to forgive you for. You saved
me.”

“You promise?” I asked pulling away to see his face again. I was hoping that if
he was lying I would be able to see it in his face, in his eyes but I didn’t
see any lies there. I didn’t see anything but worry and trust.
“I swear John, I could never hate you. Not ever. You do everything you can to
protect me and you always have and I know you always will. Most of the time I
don’t need you to protect me anymore but that time I did and you didn’t let me
down. You did what you could and I’m thankful you did because you and I both
know he would have really hurt me or he would have given me to someone who
would have,” Will assured me.
I exhaled relief spreading over me. So, he didn’t hate me. He didn’t hate me at
all. He didn’t blame me for it, he didn’t even think of it as something I did
but more something I was forced to do. He understood it better than I
understood myself. He made me feel grateful that he was so smart, so
intelligent.

I nodded my head, “Ok.”

“So, you believe me?” Will asked me.

“You’re my little brother, if I don’t know whether you’re lying or not I need
to reflex long and hard on my whole existence,” I said cracking a small smile.

Will sighed heavily, “Good. Now what are we going to do about you and food?
Because you’re not helping yourself here. You know that, right?”

“I know. I’m trying it’s just hard. My stomach is always hurting if I eat I
throw up because I feel so sick so I just don’t. Because it’s easier to not eat
at all and not worry about throwing up every time one of them looks at me wrong
then try and keep myself from throwing up all the time,” I answered.

“He ate the sandwich Alice made him for Dinner and he ate some fries and
skittles for Lunch,” Pat said, “So he’s doing better. It’s just going to take
him a while. He’s not the first person I’ve seen fight this. It’s a lot of
different things Will.”

“I know it is. He has an eating disorder though. I know it’s because he feels
like he can’t control anything and the way he feels in his own skin but he
can’t not eat he’s just going to get weaker and weaker,” Will said.

“I’m right here Will and I know. I’m aware, all right? I didn’t realize how bad
it was until Vic shoved that tube down my nose but, I figured it was a problem.
I’ve been trying, I really have it’s just I’m either not hungry because my skin
is crawling or I’m too tired to eat. Vic is going to weigh me every day and I’m
really going to try because I know I can’t do this ok? Trust me I know. It
sucks when you can’t fight off someone you’re supposed to be able to stop.” I
said.

“John he’s bigger than we are. You know he is. I know he is,” Pat told me.

“No, I should be able to and you and I both know it,” I hissed.

“John no, it’s Dick he’s on the fucking football team,” Pat said looking at me,
“You really think you’re supposed to be able to fight him off? Especially the
way you are right now?”

“Dick?” Will frowned, “Dick as in that guy at the Villa he…? Shit. John why
don’t you talk to me anymore?”

“I do I just…do you tell me everything? Every time Da climbs on top of you?
Every time Uncle Ben comes to you at night? I know you don’t. I know you talk
to someone but I know it’s not me,” I answered.

“Yeah because you have too much to deal with already. I know Leo doesn’t let
you watch cartoons all day long when you’re over there. I know he’s doing bad
things to you. I’m not stupid. I was right here when Vic talked about that
thing which I’m not going to mention again all right? But you can tell me
things. You don’t have to keep them locked away because maybe, just maybe
that’s a part of the reason why you’re never hungry because those things, those
feelings and thoughts are just floating around in your head making you feel
sick. Did you ever stop to think that?” Will asked me.

“No,” I answered shaking my head.

“You’re not the only one they do horrible things to you realize that, right?”
Will asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “I know.”

“When it’s not Da It’s Uncle Ben,” Will said shrugging his shoulders, “Uncle
Ben is almost better though because he hurts.”

“I know,” I said, “I hate Da. You remember when you asked me why I was
different? Why Da loved me more?”

“Yeah, and then he started doing it to me all the time too. I worry more about
everyone else then I do me. Because I know I’m not asking for it. I know I
don’t like it and that it’s just my body doing what bodies do but they’re still
so little. It scares me,” Will said.

“Me too,” I answered, “How are you ok with this? With Da?” I asked.

“I’m not,” Will said, “But I write it down. I talk about it with people and it
makes me feel better. Reminds me it’s not my fault. You should try it.
Especially when something bad is going on. Cole said I should tell you
something but you can’t get mad ok?”

“You can tell me anything,” I said, “I promise I won’t get mad.”

I braced myself thinking whatever he was going to tell me was bad. That it was
something horrible that would make me feel sick to my stomach something about
Da making more movies with him or making him rape one our younger brothers. I
wasn’t sure what was happening but I was scared as hell.

“There’s this guy that well seventh graders have senior mentors, right? Mine is
this guy named Wallace. He keeps saying things to me he shouldn’t say. At first
it was just inviting me over to his house to play video games which is
something I’m not into. He showed me his brand the other day in the bathroom
and I just…he asked me if he could…” he paused taking a deep breath.

“Take your time it’s, ok,” I said quietly making sure I stayed calm allowing
him time to say what he needed to say tell me what I was sure he was trying to
tell me without me getting upset. I was pretty sure he was going to say this
guy had propositioned him. Asked Will to make out with him, or do something
worse, something a 17-year-old should never even think of asking an 11-year-
old.

“He asked me if he could touch me like…like Da touches me,” he told me, “I told
him no but I felt trapped. He was trying to force me to when someone else
walked into the bathroom and scared him so I just kind of ran you know.”

“Ok,” I nodded my head, “You did good ok? You said no. I’m proud of you.”

“I was so scared,” Will said, he was shaking, “I didn’t know what to do. I’ve
never…”

“I know,” I said nodding my head.

“I mean not with anyone our age. I made out with Cole that one time but, that
was it,” Will told me.

“17 is not our age,” Pat muttered, “I think I know him. I think he’s a five.”

“How many fives are there?” I asked.

“Not enough, I know Dick is a five, You guys are fives obviously, Wallace, Chad
is a four. I’m a three, Cole’s a three, Dom’s a two. Most people here are
three’s or fours. I don’t know I’m trying to remember if I know any other
fives. Sam winters he’s a five huh…I think Kris is a five but I’m not sure.”

“Kris Christian or Kris Kristoff?” I asked.

“Kris Kristoff,” Pat answered.

“Some guys name is Kris Kristoff?” Will asked almost laughing.

“No, his name is Kristoff Talbot but we call him Kris, I think you met him once
at the movies. Brown hair but like really really fucking blue eyes. He’s tall;
uses a lot of hair product. Cole kind of eyed him a lot,” Pat said trying to
figure out how to describe Kris so Will knew who he was talking about.

“OH!” Will said nodding his head, “Ok.”

“Who is Sam Winters?” I asked.

“I think he lives in New York now, he’s not a bad person. He’s actually a
really nice guy. But that’s why you don’t know who he is. The brotherhood is
all over in New York it’s more diverse and more fives. Here we’re just kind of
around really. Not fives, not ones. Just kind of in-between.” Pat answered.

“It cost more money to live in New York,” Will said, “We could afford it but, I
don’t know. Mum likes it here state side probably because it’s so cold back
home.”

“Possibly,” I answered, “That and it’s open here. London and Dublin aren’t
open.”

“Millstreet is open and she won’t go back there,” I answered.

“That’s just like family land though. I think it depresses her just talking
about,” Will said.

“True,” I answered nodding my head, “I don’t know. I know I never liked it
there.”

“Well mum always told me it was just family land nothing special,” I said
again.

“What’s family land?” Pat asked raising his eyebrows.

“We’re Irish, our mum’s cousin owns some clan land back in Ireland. It has a
castle on it. It was fun to hang out at in the summer on break sometimes,” Will
answered.

“Maybe for you,” I answered, “You didn’t get woken up in the middle of the
night and that damn thing has drafty rooms spaced far apart. No one can hear
you protest so…”

“Really?” Will asked me sadly.

“Yeah. It is what it is,” I answered.

“No. That’s not cool, I didn’t realize…,” Will started to say.

“Yeah well you were always his first threat. If I didn’t he would go to you
so…,” I answered.

“I understand,” Will said nodding his head, “Maybe that’s why mum hated it
because she knew?”

“I don’t know. I know that’s why I don’t like it there,” I answered, “Not that
it mattered. It didn’t matter if we were in Spain or Ireland or what. If he
wanted to, he did and he still does.”

“I don’t remember him being that way out in the open when we were little,” Will
said quietly.

“You wouldn’t,” I answered, “He was different at night. During the day he was
nice, good and happy and I don’t know. But at night. When I was little I used
to think he wasn’t Da but like Da’s evil twin. It took me until that first time
that he…to realize he was always the same person. That it was just a part of
him he kept hidden from everyone else but me.”

“How little were you when Da started doing things?” Will asked me.

The question caught me off guard. I wasn’t sure he had ever asked that before
but he didn’t seem to say it to upset me. It seemed like he said it because he
honestly wanted to know because he was honestly worried about it.

“I don’t know. Probably shortly after Uncle Ben started doing it. So, like five
or six. He didn’t do anything but touch me until I was around eight though,” I
answered.

“I was around eight,” Will said, “However he used to huh…intercrural
sometimes.”

Pat cleared his throat as I gave them a clueless look, “Rabbit,” Pat whispered,
“it’s when they rub against you usually your ass to get off but they don’t
actually…”

I nodded my head in understanding. I hadn’t realized that was what it was
called. That was something they did to me all the time even through my clothes
when they were just kissing on me, forcing me to make out with them, pressing
against me from behind.

“Is it weird I feel really tired?” I asked quietly.

“No,” Pat answered, “You ate some food and you’ve had a long day. So, it’s not
weird you feel really tired. I’m sure you’ve been very tired all the time
lately.”

“He has, half the time when I come in here to talk to him he’s sleeping,” Will
said, “Not that I blame you. It’s just the kids are starting to get worried
about it because you’re always away, with Da or sleeping so they don’t
understand.”

“I’m hoping all I need is real sleep. It feels like I don’t sleep anymore
hardly ever unless…,” I sighed.

“Unless you’re with me?” Pat asked and I nodded my head, “If you ate you’d feel
a little more stable. It might help you actually relax enough to get real
sleep. And take some sleeping pills maybe?”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, “If I was going to take a sleeping pill it
wouldn’t be tonight.”

“Why?” Pat asked frowning.

“It’s Monday,” I answered not wanting to elaborate. Not wanting to bring up the
fact that usually on Monday Da spent the night with me. Had sex with me making
me even more tired than I had been after spending the weekend with Leo and
being his any time, he wanted me to. Revealing that had been the reason why I
had needed to skip school on Mondays so I could pull some much-needed air into
my system before I had to lay down under my Da, catch a break before there was
no longer a break to catch.

“Don’t worry John, ok?” Will said, “Just take the pill and get some sleep all
right?”

“I can’t do…” Will cut off my protest.

“You took care of me. Now let me take care of you a little bit, all right?”
Will said and I sighed.

“Fine but I don’t like it,” I answered.

“What are you two even going on about? What does Monday have to do…” Pat’s eyes
went wide in understanding, “Oh. Rabbit he’s right you need the rest. You need
as much rest as you can get please.”

“Ok,” I sighed heavily, “I think I’m going to go to sleep now. I mean it’s
nowhere near late really but I’m just that tired.”

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head, “I’ll tell everyone to try and keep it down.
Alice has been working overtime. Lately she stays until seven or eight when
everyone is in bed but me Mike and Matt. I’m going to go see what’s up see if
she needs any help”
Will left the room shutting the door quietly behind him as Pat went over to my
night stand grabbing two pills bottles out of the drawer and pulling one pill
from each of them before turning back to me. I really felt nervous about taking
them, about whether or not they would work or if they would just make it so I
had a harder time reacting to Da if he came into my room later.

“Hey, there’s a good chance you won’t remember at all if he does come in here
after you take these,” Pat said as if he had been reading my mind, “Just take
them for me please? I’ll stay until I know you’re asleep and I’ll see you
tomorrow morning ok?”
“Ok,” I said nodding my head and using my luke warm soup to swallow the pills
down as Pat settled into bed next to me again running his hand through my hair.

“I’m glad Math is easy this year,” Pat sighed into my crown kissing the top of
my head as he ran his fingers through it.

“Me too,” I answered, “I don’t know. I think Da and Leo set it up so all my
classes are supposed to be easy.”

“Vic needs to write you a note for gym,” Pat sighed, “That way you don’t have
to do any physical activity just until your weight gets back up.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine I just have to eat more. It’s going to be
slow but I’ll get there I promise. I don’t like feeling like this, this tired
this…” I yawned, “Weak.”

“You’re not weak Rabbit. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are,” Pat
said, “I love you. Now just close your eyes ok? I’m right here and I won’t go
anywhere until I know you’re already asleep ok?” He kissed my hand as I turned
our joined hands around so I could kiss his.

“Ok,” I nodded and sighed closing my eyes allowing him to continue running his
hands through my hair until I started to relax, to drift towards blank silence
and peace where I didn’t feel anything, where I didn’t worry.
***** 34 *****
Chapter Summary
     John spends the day at school and finds the whole expierence to be a
     nightmare even though he feels like the night before was the first
     time he slept in forever. Dick taunting him causing Pat to get angry.
     He tells Pat about his worries about his brothers and sisters and
     they come up with a temporary solution that back fires on them,
     ending up with Pat and John in the red room. Activies ensue John
     feeling somewhat comfortable and accepting of it for maybe a few
     minutes before Connor and Leo go and ruin it.
Chapter Notes
     664 to 700. Only 437 pages left of part 2. I have no idea how many
     pages that leaves us with but it's either going to go by really fast
     or really slow. Warnings: Underage kissing both consensual and
     forced, Underage sex, forced, rape/non-con, forced kissing, forced
     anal, forced oral, mental health issues, eating disorder, harassment,
     bullying, molestation, talk of child abuse
That night Da probably didn’t come to me because when I woke up I wasn’t sore.
I was actually less tired then I had been the only thing waking my alarm
telling me it was time for me to get ready for school. I hurried and got ready
grabbing an orange and eating it on my way to the bus stop before I realized I
couldn’t take the bus and sighed turning around and starting to walk in the
other direction towards school when a car started following me. At first, I
tried to ignore it minding my own business hoping it was just my imagination
but every turn I made the car followed me until I was sweating my pace so fast
I was almost running and then the window rolled down.

“Are you going to get in the car or not? Because you shouldn’t be walking,” I
heard a familiar voice say and turned my head.

“What the fuck you guys? You scared the living shit out of me!” I shouted
looking at Pat who was grinning from the back window that had been rolled down.

“Just get in!” I heard Hunter yell from the driver’s seat as Pat opened the
door and scooted over.

“Oh god,” I sighed climbing into the car, “I thought you were away at school
Hunter.”

“I dropped,” Hunter answered, “I didn’t want to be some old man’s butt boy. I
mean Jesus Christ man had to be ancient. I might be desperate but I’m not that
desperate.”

“Where were you supposed to be going to school?” I asked.

“Princeton,” Pat, Cole and Hunter all said at once.

“I’m 18 I might not have my full autonomy yet but I do have some choices I can
make and that’s one of them. I don’t have to contract myself to anyone I don’t
want to. According to the rules anyway,” Hunter answered “So, I’m going to Palm
state next semester and then I’ll transfer over somewhere else.”

“Oh,” I said, “So you’re driving us today?”

“Every day you can’t ride the bus because honestly I would rather save some
people a beating of their lifetime. And no, it’s not because I’m hot for your
ass Cole, it’s because you’re my friend.”

“I know you’re not hot for me. I thought we already went over that,” Cole
sighed, “I’m taken anyway.”

“I’d be careful who hears you say that,” Pat muttered.

“Taken? Yeah taken to the Villa every weekend,” Hunter scoffed.

“Shut up! And it’s not every weekend,” Cole said shaking his head, “Thank you
for the ride by the way. It beats walking.”

“Yeah and it beats him getting rides from someone I can’t keep an eye on,” Pat
said grabbing my hand and squeezing.

“So that’s still a thing? I thought you were dating a girl, John?” Hunter
questioned.

“I was in Montana. I don’t know,” I answered.

“Who exactly does he think he needs to protect you from?” Hunter asked.

“He’s contracted,” Pat answered.

“So were you, I thought,” Hunter said a slight smile playing on his face as he
looked at us in the rear-view mirror.

“I am but Gus doesn’t care. At least not enough to keep it in his pants outside
of the Villa,” Pat said.

“Gus is Gus,” Hunter said, “God I hated him. He’d put on a video just so he
could grope whomever he wanted. Gus can be a sick fuck if he’s interested in
you.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Pat said as Cole coughed lightly, “They all kind of use
that trick though pisses me the fuck off too. Shit.”

“What? Are they scamming on your Squirrel there Pat?” Hunter asked laughing
lightly.

“He’s a person and I think that’s a question you should ask him and he’ll tell
you if he wants you to know,” Pat said looking at me as I sighed.

“A little,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “But what exactly am I supposed
to do about it?”

“Well there isn’t much you can do, John. Just grit your teeth and try to bare
it,” Hunter answered as we pulled up to the school, “Have a good day I’ll be by
to pick you up.”

“Thanks man we owe you,” Pat said clapping Hunter on the shoulder.

“You don’t owe me shit besides maybe a smoke,” Hunter answered driving away.

“So just wait around for Hunter after school?” I asked.

“Yes, I don’t want you anywhere near fucking Dick or Leo all right? Especially
not after what you told me last night. Dick thought I was pissed before? He
better watch his fucking back,” Pat said.

“Pat doesn’t start anything,” I said shaking my head, “Please, it’s not worth
it.”

“I could have handled my Dad all right? I can’t handle that. I can’t,” Pat
replied shaking his head.

“You would have done it for him,” Cole pointed out as Tosh walked up to us.

“Done what?” Tosh asked as Cole hugged him around the neck and we started
walking to our spot where we would hang out before the bell rang.

“Bent over and you know how it goes…” Cole said quietly.

“Oh, yeah he would do that for John,” Tosh agreed.

“That’s different though,” Pat insisted, “I don’t have nearly as much bullshit
I have to deal with outside of that.”

“It’s not different. You just think it is because it would be you protecting
him,” Cole pointed out.

“Either way it’s done and over with so can we just not talk about it?” I asked.

“Wait did this happen on your way home yesterday? Because Dick said he wouldn’t
hurt you,” Cole pointed out.

“According to him he didn’t,” I answered quietly.

“I don’t know what world Dick is now living in but, I’m sorry having something
shoved up your ass always hurts. That pressure is hella uncomfortable,” Cole
said, “Unless it’s not.”

“Cole really?” Pat said shaking his head.

“What? It can feel good sometimes,” Cole said, “I mean when you’re with someone
you want to do that.”

Tosh gave Cole and evil look and smacked him lightly, “Shut up.”

“Eww, thanks,” Pat said closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose,
“I don’t need to know that’s what you do in your free time.”

“I wasn’t meaning that…not specifically,” Cole muttered.

“You mean you two? Yeah, I figured that much but still didn’t need to know
that,” Pat said.

“Like you two don’t?” Tosh said looking at us and I felt my face flush lightly,
“You don’t?”

“You sound surprised,” Pat said looking at Tosh.

“It’s just whatever you guys have you’ve had it longer then Cole and I. So, I
just thought that you know you probably had,” Tosh said.

“Well we haven’t,” Pat said, “Don’t assume it’s unbecoming.”

“Sorry,” Tosh said, “Do you guys even want to?”

“Huh, maybe one day,” I answered, “I just I …”

“Rabbit you don’t need to explain to anyone ok?” Pat told me cupping my face
gently in his hands.

I sighed in relief and nodded my head. I knew he was right but I always felt
like I needed to explain it. Explain the choices to only go as far as we had
gone. Explain why I didn’t want Pat touching me in certain places, why I was
afraid of his mouth wandering down my chest and to my belly button. Why it
didn’t feel right to me.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Tosh said.

“It’s ok,” I smiled lightly at him, “I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

The bell rang and we all sighed walking towards the building. The day was
starting. Math class didn’t make me nervous but, it wasn’t something I looked
forward to always struggling to stay awake even though that day I felt less
tired then I had in a long time and Pat kept playing footsy with me in the back
row as we worked on the problems together. When the bell rang for Gym Pat and I
headed towards the gym where we ended up meeting up with Dom. We were about to
start a new sport so I wasn’t really thrilled and I had yet to get a note from
Vic excusing me from physical activity until my weight got pushed up but that
didn’t seem to matter Brian telling me he wanted to talk to me before I joined
everyone after I had gotten dressed.

When I was dressed I stopped in the door of the office him and Luke shared. I
started shifting my weight from foot to foot wondering what he wanted.
Remembering how everyone had said his measuring tape and hands had lingered a
little too long in certain places.

“You wanted to see me sir?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah come in shut the door,” he said.

That was something I didn’t want to do. Being alone in a room with an adult man
always made me nervous especially one I didn’t know well. I sighed looking at
him uncertain of whether I should listen to him or stay where I was.

“Come on,” he said looking up from the desk, “Are you nervous?”

“N-no,” I stammered unconvincingly as I turned and shut the door quietly behind
me not leaving the door keeping my hand on the knob.

“You’re a five, right?” He asked me my eyes widening in fear before he added,
“I’m not here for that. I’m just curious.”

“Yeah,” I answered looking at my toes.

“That would be why I don’t see you around the Villa a lot. You are a limited
edition,” he said, “Even though I know your uncle well but he goes to every
party he’s allowed to. Which is just about all of them.”

“Why am I in here?” I asked quietly confused.

“I just wanted to see you,” he told me casually as if it was no big deal he
wanted to be alone in a room with me.

“Please don’t,” I said closing my eyes trying to control my breathing as I
started to panic.

“Don’t what?” He asked me a smile playing across his face.

“Don’t hurt me,” I answered barely a whisper.

“I won’t, I promise,” He said not coming any closer to me, “It happens a lot?”

“All the time,” I replied.

“That’s why you’re so skittish. Probably every time you’re alone in a room with
someone something happens, huh?” He asked his smile growing, “You are rather
pretty. I can see the appeal.”

“Can I go?” I asked daring a quick glance up.to look into his eyes before
staring at my feet again.

“Don’t worry, there isn’t time for that,” Brian said, “I got a call from your
Doctor that you should have limited physical activity. So, this week you’ll
sit, you’ll take notes and you’ll take the test at the end of the two weeks but
you won’t be doing the actual hockey playing all right?”

“Yes sir,” I answered, “May I go?”

“Yes, you may go,” he answered my question as I pulled the door open quickly
and sighed with relief as I shut the office door behind me and hurried out into
the gym to join the rest of the class.

I sat in the corner awkwardly after a while my whole being just feeling numb,
confused. He had called me pretty, told me he understood why everyone wanted to
hurt me. Yet he hadn’t done it himself. He had said there wasn’t time. It made
me feel scared and nervous. Did that mean if there had been time he would have?
That he wanted to? Just like it seemed all of them wanted to?

“Hey,” Pat said suddenly beside me where he hadn’t been before making me jump a
foot in the air, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Yeah I’m-I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. What happened?” Pat asked me frowning.

“Nothing. Brian just makes me nervous,” I answered quietly, “He said I’m out of
gym at least the physical part.”

“Did he hurt you?” Pat asked me his voice getting quieter by the second.

“No,” I shook my head lightly, “No, he didn’t hurt me.”

“You swear?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I swear,” I answered, “I don’t know. He just made me nervous is all.”

“He makes everyone nervous. I heard from Jesus he was watching him in the
showers but I don’t think he was. Usually they tend to be more careful. Unless
he’s not brotherhood. Then he’s just an idiot,” Pat mentioned.

“He’s brotherhood, trust me,” I answered.

“He said something?” Pat asked me.

I nodded my head and swallowed. I hated having the fact thrown in my face that
I was a bottom. I might have been at the top of the bottoms but I was still a
bottom regardless. Still a nothing, still something to be used.

“Don’t pay him any attention ok? He’s not supposed to touch you anyway so why
does it matter what he said?” Pat asked me quietly.

“Other than it makes my stomach hurt? It doesn’t,” I answered shrugging.

“Well, gym will be over soon. At least you don’t have to shower be thankful for
that,” Pat said smiling.

“I thought you liked it when I showered,” I asked playfully raising an eyebrow
causing Pat to laugh heartedly.

“In private when it’s just you and me,” he answered, “I’m glad to see Brian
while he makes you nervous didn’t ruin your day.”

“Nothing can ruin my day if you’re with me,” I answered quietly as he stared at
me closely his eyes giving me this look I can’t quiet describe as I felt my
face heat up and a blush broke out across the bridge of his nose.

“Someone flirting?” We heard making us both jump like 10 feet in the air
turning to see Dom standing over us, “Guess so considering the reaction.”

“Not really. He said something sweet,” Pat answered as Dom reached out a hand
to pull him up.

“Oh, tell me,” Dom said smiling, “I miss sweet sometimes. Talia and I haven’t
talked since school started up and I’m getting lonely.”

Pat reached out his hand pulling me up, “Maybe later time for showers, right?”
Pat asked.

“Yep, see you later John,” Dom said starting to walk towards the locker room.

“Don’t go too far without me ok? Because you know next class is…” I cut Pat
off.

“I know. I won’t,” I answered, “I promise.”

“Good, change and I’ll meet you back out here all right?” Pat told me.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head and going over to the locker area to change. I
changed quickly and went to go sit down in the gym waiting for everyone else to
get done in the showers. I noticed Luke watching me looking at me silently and
I wasn’t sure what he wanted but knew he wasn’t a bad guy. I sighed when he
started coming towards me.

“You’ve lost a lot of weight this year,” Luke commented.

“Yeah,” I answered shrugging my shoulders. What was I supposed to do about it?
It wasn’t like I had done it on purpose. And it wasn’t like I could gain the
weight back over night.

“Are you doing ok? Stressed?” He asked me trying to sound casual.

“I’m fine,” I lied. What exactly was I supposed to say? I’m tired because I
have someone raping me any time they want to every weekend and then my Da comes
into my room on Monday night and makes me do the same thing and then makes me
share a bed with him? I feel like I can’t breathe most of the time let alone
eat? What did he want from me?

“You don’t seem fine,” he replied.

“If there was something wrong, I probably wouldn’t tell you anyway. So, why are
you asking?” I shot back.

“That’s exactly what I’m thinking,” Luke commented, “Talking about things
helps.”

“Not in this case. Because nothing is going on. If I needed help I have people
to talk to all right?” I told him.

“All right,” he said, “I can respect that but, people don’t lose a significant
amount of weight in less than three months for no reason. You were healthy when
school started now you’re on restricted physical activity so something is going
on.”

“I just don’t feel good lately ok? I’m getting help, obviously. My doctor is
making sure I get weighed everyday by him personally. So, you have nothing you
need to worry about when it comes to me. If I were you I’d worry about other
things,” I told him.

“Like what?” he asked me, “My teaching partner? Yeah, I’m well aware thank you
for that. You think I haven’t noticed or received complaints? I’ve been told to
watch him very closely speaking of where…? If you’ll excuse me.”

Luke straightened his tie and briskly walked into the locker room. He must have
figured out Brian wasn’t where he had last seen him and gotten worried. I
sighed in relief knowing that I didn’t have to deal with Luke’s interrogation
anymore as the bell rang and everyone started filing out of the locker room Pat
one of the first ones to leave.

“You ok?” He asked me, “You look really frowny.”

“Luke was asking me questions about my health, whether I was ok or not. If it
was due to stress,” I answered shrugging.

“How did that go?” Pat asked.

“I pointed out he had other things to worry about and then he ran off when he
knew Brian wasn’t anywhere near by,” I said.

“Nice,” Pat said, “You ready to help me battle my demons?”

“Gus? Never. I’m never ready to deal with him or the way he talks about you
sometimes,” I answered.

“What about the way he talks about you?” He asked me.

“Everyone talks about me like that, to me like that,” I said shrugging my
shoulders.

“And they shouldn’t,” Pat said, “No one should talk about you like that.”

I sighed running a hand through my hair looking around nervously as we walked
down the hall towards McClairen’s class. I didn’t want people overhearing this
and felt like the hall was too open. Too many people could hear and would know.
It didn’t take a rocket scientist for someone to figure out what we were
talking about. That we were talking about bad things.

“Ok,” Pat said clapping me on the shoulder, “No more of that all right? What
are you thinking you’re going to eat for lunch today?”

“I don’t even know,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I’m not really hungry
at all.”

“Yeah but you have to eat,” Pat told me.

“I know, I know. I just it’s hard when I’m not hungry but I will. I swear,” I
replied.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head as we walked up to the door and inside the
classroom just as the bell rang.

“And now that everyone is here, we are going to go back to discussing things
that happened in the 1840’s,” McClairen answered, “Let’s talk about the gold
rush…”

I tuned out of the conversation for a while until I heard a comment about
something being the color of my hair and Pat saying, “That is copper not gold.”

“Yeah, I’d say his hair is probably copper, that is not anywhere near the color
of gold however it can be just as…enchanting,” McClairen commented looking
purposefully at me.

“Maybe, someone has some copper fever instead of gold,” Someone snickered
behind me.

McClairen cleared his throat, “Ruiz see me at the bell please.”

The bell rang just at that moment and Pat and I both got up. I felt like I
couldn’t breathe. Why did people think it was fucking funny? Why on earth did
anyone think that was funny or ok? I mean I was used to being picked on
especially for my hair but really? Why was that ok?

“Are you all right?” Pat asked me quietly as we got out into the hall and I
shook my head. I knew I was shaking but I was trying to hide it, “Ok, let’s go
chill for a couple minutes all right?”

I nodded my head breathing deeply in my nose and out my mouth trying to keep
myself from freaking out because I knew I was really close to losing it. We
walked into the bathroom Pat grabbing me before my knees gave out under me and
hugging pulling my head to his chest resting his chin on the top of my head as
he hugged me. I buried my face into his chest trying not to cry but the tears
coming anyway.

“You’re ok, you did great. You did so good,” Pat tried to hush me, “You’re
doing so great. You didn’t flip out in front of everyone. I think your ears
barely turned red.”

“Why do they think it’s ok? Why do they believe that it’s ok to remind me? That
he doesn’t remind me enough that I’m just…” Pat cut me off.

“Rabbit you’re not anyone’s toy ok? So, don’t even say it. You’re a human
being, that I love more than anything. They don’t know that’s why they say that
stuff because, they don’t know. If you notice the only ones who ever say stuff
like that, that actually know are recruits that are just being nasty. No other
bottom would ever say anything like that. You know that,” Pat told me, “You’re
safe, your ok right now.”

I let him hold me for a few minutes allowing me to breathe in his scent to feel
his body against mine and hear his heart beat under his shirt. I allowed myself
to calm down until my breathing and heart beat matched his own, until our
hearts were beating as one and then I sighed looking up at him.

“Hi there,” he said smiling at me.

“Thank you,” I mumbled untangling myself from him and splashing water on my
face.

“Nothing to thank me for. Now let’s go get you some food all right? You have to
eat something. Even if it’s just a side salad and a chicken taco please,” he
prodded as we left the bathroom walking towards the cafeteria.

“Hi. Anyone else feel like they are going to die during English?” Tosh said
turning around when he saw us.

“Only of boredom and there are worse things to die from,” Pat commented, “You
think father Dunbee is that bad huh?”

“His monotone drives me crazy. Who talks to like that?” Tosh asked shaking his
head.

“I don’t think he sounds monotone. Just like dull,” I added.

“He could at least read with some…I don’t know how you say it, thrill?” Tosh
said.

“Enthusiasm?” I suggested.

“Yes,” Tosh added.

“At least class is uneventful,” Dom said coming up behind me, “At least you
don’t have to sit there while he hits on you or eye rapes you.”

“True,” Tosh said agreeing, “However I do have one creepy teacher but that’s
like Math. Father Lewis.”

“We have Finick and McClairen and apparently the TA in charge of gym Brian he’s
a real creep too.”

“I hate Finick,” Dom said.

“Me too,” I said. Not caring to elaborate.

“Well you would,” Dom said with a quick nod of his head as we finally entered
the lunch line.

I actually got a real lunch of fish sticks and rice along with green beans and
an apple. I ate the green beans and Fish and most of the apple leaving the rice
alone but felt beyond full as I sat at the table holding my head in my hands. I
wanted to throw up.

“You ok?” Pat asked me.

“I think I’m going to barf,” I answered honestly.

“Eat too much?” Cole asked me and I nodded my head.

“It’s really hard to not just get up and go barf right now,” I answered laying
my head against the cold wood of the lunch table.

The pain is my stomach was beyond horrible. It felt like I had an alien that
wanted to come bursting out of it like in the movie Alien. The food sour and
churning deep in my stomach making me want to curl up and die. I couldn’t
though. I knew I couldn’t my whole body shaking with the anxiety of wanting to,
needing to.

“You look a little green,” Dom commented opening up his chocolate milk and
taking a drink.

“Maybe you should go to the nurse?” Tosh asked.

“No,” I shook my head.

“Well, if you’re not feeling good you really should,” Cole said.

“No, not going to the nurse. I’m not going home right now,” I said again.

“Why?” Tosh asked curiously.

“Is he home?” Dom asked me.

“He’s always home Dom,” I answered.

“What?” Tosh asked.

“It’s nothing don’t worry about it,” Pat said.

“Oh that,” Tosh said.

“Yeah, that,” Dick said behind me making me jump ten feet in the air.

“And no one could have warned me?!” I said almost throwing up on the table
right then and there.

“I didn’t know he was an issue for you sorry,” Tosh commented taking some of
his fruit cup on his spoon and eating it.

“What the fuck do you want?” Pat hissed standing up.

“Keep your ass in that seat Kingly. You come near me and your Dad will hear
about it this time,” Dick spat back putting his arms on either side of the
table around me trapping me there.

I felt like I had a boulder on my chest feeling myself starting to panic. I
didn’t want him that close to me. Not after what he did yesterday, not after
that.

“Hey John,” Dom said, “You’re fine he can’t do anything more then what he’s
doing right now.”

I nodded my head trying to breathe gripping the leg of the table in front of
me. I knew my whole body was starting to shake. I wanted to scream, I wanted
him to back off but I knew doing that would draw everyone’s attention. If I did
that I would be in huge trouble for getting attention of people who weren’t in
the brotherhood. People who didn’t know what was going on.

“Leave him alone,” Pat hissed.

“Why? What are you going to do about it?” Dick taunted.

“Make sure everyone knows your gay and you want a piece of that,” Pat said
shrugging his shoulders.

“Wouldn’t that out you too?” Dick asked.

“Nah, I’m not the one hanging on him in the lunch room, am I? That and everyone
knows I’ve gone with Delia. So, joke would be on you,” Pat said and Dick backed
up enough that he was no longer pressed against my back.

“You wouldn’t,” Dick said shaking his head.

“Apparently you believe he would enough to back up,” Tosh pointed out taking a
drink from his water, “Now if you don’t mind I do believe I need to go shower
because that made me feel gross just watching. So, if you could move and let my
friend go before I have to put you in some type of choke hold that would be
great.”

“Toshi please don’t,” Cole said standing up, “He’s not worth the trouble you’d
get into.”

“I don’t care. No one does that,” Tosh said shaking his head, “When I said I’d
kick some ass at the Villa next time he threatened anyone I wasn’t lying. So,
I’m giving him fair warning.”

I closed my eyes tightly still trying to breathe. I could still feel him on my
back, his eyes looking at me burrowing into my spine. It was almost painful the
way the waves kept crashing up and down my body making the urge to throw up
that much worse.

“Hey, both of you take a walk,” Cole hissed grabbing Tosh gently by the neck
and forcing him away from the table briskly.

Dick cleared his throat. I felt like he was going to say or do something behind
me that I couldn’t see. Me just trying to stay calm, trying to breathe, trying
not to barf. Even though that honestly would have probably been a great
defensive move at the time. But my brain was too flooded with panic to really
think about that at that time. At the time, I just waited with my eyes closed
hoping he would just leave me alone and sighing heavily when I felt him walk
away.

“You ok?” Pat asked me looking at me closely but not getting up to move towards
me.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I answered trying to get the tremors out of my body.

“You look really pale,” Dom commented, “You sure you’re ok?”

“Just leave it alone all right? It’s not like there is anything anyone can do
about it,” I muttered standing up and throwing my tray away before I went into
the bathroom splashing water on my face.

I was so angry. So, angry that I hadn’t stood up for myself. That I was scared
of him. Of fucking Dick. That I felt so weak and stupid, like such a loser.

“Hey,” Pat said quietly walking in almost startling me again, “You get sick?”

I shook my head and response and sighed, “Why do you want to be friends with a
loser like me?” I asked not able to look up at him.

“You’re not a loser ok? They have you scared with good reason. John, they do
bad things to you, bad things that grown people can’t handle and while, we both
have to admit it we’re not all the way grown yet,” Pat answered shrugging his
shoulders, “You handle things pretty good in my opinion.”

“Why? Because I’m still able to function just barely?” I asked actually
managing to look up as I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Yes, and take care of 10 kids,” Pat said.

“Not very well. Alice does most of it. She’s picked up extra shifts to keep
things running because I’m so tired all the time,” I said.

“Hey what you do for them is no small thing Rabbit,” Pat said, “You have no
idea how strong you are, do you?” he asked me coming towards me and wrapping
his arms around my neck lovingly, “You also have no idea how cute some of the
faces you pull are. Like the look you give me when you don’t believe me. The
one where your one eye brow cocks up and your lip lightly curls like this “are
you kidding me?” type of thing. It’s really cute.”

He smiled and leaned in biting my ear lightly making me laugh as I felt my face
heat up. It felt good instantly making me relax as I hugged him. He felt so
nice and warm and smelled so good. Something about him making me feel safe, not
worry. I knew we shouldn’t especially at school in the open bathroom and not in
a stall but I wanted him to keep doing it. I wanted to slide my hands down the
back of his pants, wanted to feel his skin under my fingers as his tongue
swirled with mine but I sighed heavily pulling away.

“We shouldn’t,” I said.

“I know,” he said his eyes still lit up, “It made you feel better though.
Didn’t it?”

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “Yes it did.”

“Good,” he said grabbing my hands kissing me quickly on the lips, “Don’t let
him get to you ok? You did great though. You handled that really well.”

“Cowering in fear is handling it really well huh?” I snorted.

“You didn’t cower ok? You might have twitched a little bit but you didn’t cower
or whimper or anything. You just sat really still with your eyes closed. You
did good. Trust me, all right. I wouldn’t lie,” Pat said.

“Ok,” I nodded my head feeling like I was about to start crying. Knowing that
Dick had done things to me. That he had ran his hands over my skin and I hadn’t
wanted him to. Thinking about where his mouth had gone, how he had forced me to
kiss him. How he had made me feel sick to my stomach and he always would.

“Hey,” Pat said hugging me again, “Hey you did great. You really did. If Gus
did that to me I’d probably turn around and punch his lights out. Which is
probably why he doesn’t approach me at school.”

“I’d wish that he would keep some comments to himself then,” I said thinking of
how we had to go back to his class.

“That wasn’t even him. That was just someone being an idiot,” Pat said,
“However his looks are what triggered the comment.”

“Yeah and I wish he wouldn’t look at me like that,” I muttered.

“Me too,” Pat said running a hand through my hair, “It makes me so mad that
he…he had no right to. Not after the first time. He had no right to do that to
you at the Villa. None at all. Especially with my Dad.”

“That day,” I said quietly thinking about it, “That day it was Dobbs and Chad
and Lou and then Hank and Gus and then Dick.”

“I thought you were sponsored that party?” Pat asked me quietly worry crossing
his face causing his brow to scrunch in confusion.

“I was,” I answered.

“That’s a lot of people for a sponsored party,” Pat told me.

“I hate that they like me,” I said, “I hate that they all…”

“I know,” Pat said, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything. You know
that, right?”

“That’s what you guys tell me,” I mumbled.

“Because it’s true,” Pat said, “I’ve been where you are. Not as concentrated
but, yeah. And I know it’s not fair, that it doesn’t feel good that you hate
yourself but, there isn’t any reason for you to hate yourself Rabbit. You
haven’t done anything to deserve this. Just hold on to me and everything will
be ok I promise. Maybe not right away but one day things will be ok. I love
you.”

“I love you too,” I answered.

I trusted him with my life. In that moment, I was reminded that he would never
lie to me. It was so hard to trust anyone but I trusted him. I needed him and
he knew it and he was willing to let me have that. To give me as much of him as
he possibly could. He placed his forehead against mine before he kissed me and
I kissed him back, willingly with hope and desire. With want and need. I needed
to feel him in ways I wasn’t supposed to. My tongue rolling across his again as
his hands caressed my face and neck as my hands rubbed his back.

Obviously, you’re seeing a theme here. Pat and I made out in that bathroom A
LOT. The bell rang and we broke apart both of our lips ruddy and swollen
flushed from rough kissing.

“Are you ready to deal with this?” He asked me barely a whisper referring to
class, referring to being in a room with Gus for another two hours.

“Yeah, as long as you’re there,” I answered nodding my head.

“Always Rabbit,” he said squeezing my hand quickly before we walked to the
bathroom door heading down the hallway back to class.

We sat down at our desks joining the other students who had already made it to
class. He waited for the second bell to ring and then fiddled with the remote
turning on the TV that was hanging in the corner of the room by the wall.
Finding the right source and then turning to the class.

“And now because we talked about the Gold Rush we’re going to watch a
documentary on the Gold rush. I want you to take notes please and when you are
done I want you to turn them in. Tomorrow we will have a test about what we
learned in the video. And now for your viewing pleasure…” He said pressing play
and walking over to turn off the lights.

Pat put his hand on my knee under the table helping me relax. I felt better
having him touch me since the lights going off never meant anything good
especially if Finick or McClairen were in the room. McClairen kept his distance
from us though. Probably because of the comment Ruiz had made before lunch but
I was thankful for it anyway the lights turning on shortly before the bell
rang.

We got up and left the room without anything happening and made it Dunbee’s
class actually early. No one was in the room as we sat down. I sighed allowing
myself to relax as Pat sat next to me turning to face me in his chair.

“That was weird,” Pat told me.

“That he didn’t do anything when the lights were off? Yeah,” I said.

“Probably because of Ruiz. Maybe we should let him make those comments more
often?” Pat asked.

“Personally, it wasn’t only embarrassing for McClairen you know so would prefer
if he didn’t,” I answered honestly and Pat nodding his head taking a hold of my
hand.

“Father McClairen gentlemen,” Father Dunbee said as he entered to room making
us both jump as Pat retracted his hand quickly, “And how are you two today Mr.
McGregor? Mr. Kingly?”

“Good father,” Pat answered.

“I’m fine father. Thank you,” I answered, “And how are you Father?”

“As well as God as allowed for today but, God is always kinder then we
realize,” he answered, “McGregor I would like to say something about the list
you gave me a couple weeks ago is it all right if I mention it?”

“Yes, father,” I answered.

“All right well, there is some ongoing investigations and apparently Finick is
going to be transferred to a different school soon. So that should give you
some relief. I’m not sure when it will happen as for the other names there is
no news yet.”

“Ok Father, thank you,” I said quietly as Pat gave me a questioning look.

“I gave him a list of names of people who…,” I trailed off not wanting to say
it. Not wanting to say it was a list of people who had raped me. A list of
people who were a danger to me.

“Ok,” Pat nodded his head, “Why not McClairen?”

“McClairen has high standing with someone very high up in the church and so I’m
having a hard time convincing people he needs looking into. I’m still working
on it but finding it hard to find anyone willing to look into his activities.”

“What would you need to have in order to convince people it was a good idea?”
Pat asked.

“Evidence that he’s …into unholy activities,” Father Dunbee answered.

“No Pat,” I said shaking my head reading his thoughts, “No.”

“It’d be easy to just hide a camera. It’s not that hard,” Pat answered.

“Whatever it is you are thinking of doing Mr. Kingly might I kindly remind you
that some of your activities put any evidence you might be able to come by into
question,” Father Dunbee said, “So I suggest you don’t.”

“So, I just let it keep happening?” He asked Father Dunbee.

“You wait,” he suggested, “Think about anything you do through very carefully
because you know just as I know this thing is very big.”

“Yes father,” Pat said just as the class started filling in.

Class went by uneventfully. The hours ticking down until Hunter arrived to pick
us up and take us back to our homes. I still don’t remember what was read but
the bell rang as Father Dunbee closed the book for the day wishing us a good
evening and telling us not to be late for mass in the morning.

“So now that that’s over what are you going to do tonight?” Pat asked me a sly
smile on his face as he looked at me.

“Well honestly I’m probably going to end up playing princess tea party and then
feeding and bathing some children before I myself go to bed because I am
fucking wiped, what about you?” I asked.

“You think you can fit some room in there for me somewhere?” He asked me.

“Maybe,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I don’t know something doesn’t…I
don’t know.”

“Feel right? Has something been off lately?” He asked me quietly, “With your
dad or Uncle?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “Every time I walk into that house I feel like I can’t
breathe. I know what they want from me and it scares me. They scare me
especially because I know what they are doing. That they are starting to go
after my little brothers and sisters. I don’t know what to do, how to stop
them.”

“They’re going after all of them?” Pat asked quietly grabbing my hand.

“Hank was over yesterday when I got home in the pool with the babies and Uncle
Ben. Uncle Ben let Hank touch Mac and he almost…your Dad he almost…” I couldn’t
even say it I was starting to shake so badly.

“Are you saying he almost touched him like…that?” Pat hesitated in asking me
for a second but I nodded my head.

“I told him not to, to let him go. He asked me if he could…he wanted me to
skinny dip with them. Alice came out. She scared them. If she wouldn’t have
come out of the house I…” Pat wrapped his arms around me.

“You did good. You were protecting him. You did so good Rabbit, I’m so proud of
you,” Pat said, “No wonder you feel like you can’t breathe. He’s getting worse,
all of them are. Do you think they’re planning something? Something with
like…?”

“Like what Da made Will and I do? I don’t know,” I answered.

“Cole and I are coming to your house today ok? I’ll call Dad and just tell him
we’re working on a project and Cole decided to hang out too. It’ll give you and
Alice extra eyes and ears. Keep everyone safe, hopefully you too. Because I
can’t tell if they’re getting worse because they know it’ll make you submit in
order to protect everyone else or if they really are going after them,” Pat
answered as Cole started walking towards them.

“Hey, Cole. We’re going to go hang out at John’s for a bit,” Pat said, “You’re
coming too.”

“I have homework,” Cole frowned, “Not that I don’t want to hang with you two
but, I have homework.”

“Will can help you when he gets home,” Pat said, “He’s smarter than the three
of us put together so you know, pick his brain a little bit. No big.”

“Yeah, all right,” Cole sighed as Hunter pulled up.

“One stop Hunter, John’s house,” Pat said.

Hunter eyed Pat awkwardly in the rear-view mirror, “Did you just decide to get
kinky with your brother around or is something else going on?”

“Something else,” Pat said, “I’m not doing my brother. At least not today.”

“Eww,” Cole said.

“Yeah…,” Hunter said and then cleared his throat.

“So, what exactly are we doing over there?” Cole asked.

“Well, you’re doing homework,” Pat said snickering.

“No, I mean for real,” Cole asked.

“A little bit of babysitting. Just to help out,” Pat answered honestly.

“Any reason why?” Cole questioned raising an eyebrow.

“Huh,” Pat looked at me grabbing my hand and rubbing the back of it, “Can I
tell you when we get there?”

“Yeah,” Cole said nodding his head, “Does that mean like I play board games and
video games with the kids and stuff?”

“Yeah,” Pat said, “You might end up playing what was it John, tea party?”

“Yes,” I answered, “or princess tea party which Cat makes you put on a dress
and some high heels and I’m going to tell her princess tea party is off
limits.” I answered.

Hunter broke out into a fit of laughter, “No you should do it. I’ll even stay
and find a camera, take some pictures. That’s so awesome! I’d pay money to see
you guys play princess tea party.”

“Yeah please tell her I don’t wear dresses and heels,” Cole said nodding his
head.
 
“Maybe we should let him so we can have some time just the two of us?” Pat
whispered into my ear and I felt myself smile.

“HEY! No scheming back there. I am not watching the kids while you two go and
have some private time,” Cole said his eyes wide.

“Man don’t cock block your brother,” Hunter said shaking his head.

“I’m not. I just don’t want to be aware that they might have some alone time,”
Cole said, “We might joke about it but that doesn’t mean I want to think about
him personally doing that…”

“Hey, you told me earlier that you and Tosh were bumping uglies and I didn’t
need to know that. And you already know about our activities or lack thereof,”
Pat answered.

“So, you two have picked it back up then?” Hunter asked us.

“Not exactly,” Pat said.

“Oh, don’t lie they totally are,” Cole said, “I saw them leaving the bathroom
after lunch and there was an exchange of smiles and someone looked a little
flushed around the ears. Don’t be embarrassed John, there’s nothing wrong with
it.”

I felt my face going red. I thought we had been hiding it better than that. I
mean I figured Pat would have told Cole that we had been kissing the bathroom
at least after yesterday but that he had seen it. Did that mean McClairen would
see it too? That he would tell my Da or Mr. Lord.

“Relax,” Cole said, “I don’t think anyone else noticed and I’m not about to
tell anyone. Pat’s my brother and I happen to be fond of you. So, no one is
going to know. That and Pat kind of told me about yesterday last night anyway,
so I just kind of half figured that’s what was up when you walked out of the
bathroom together.”

“We haven’t done anything wrong,” Pat told me, “And we’re not going to.”

“Especially not if we’re babysitting which you’re going to tell me why once we
get there, correct?” Cole asked.

“Yes, I will fill you in,” Pat said, “I promise. You don’t have a problem with
that do you Rabbit?”

“No,” I shook my head.

I didn’t have a problem with Cole knowing why we needed him. Not if he was
actually going to help keep an eye on things and help me keep my siblings’
safe. However, outside of whoever needed to know I didn’t want people knowing.
Not even other bottoms. It was one thing everyone knowing they were raping me
another thing for them to know that my Da and Uncle were starting to eye my
little brothers who weren’t even five yet.

For me that was even a totally different ball game. Going after someone that
little. I knew I had been young but I never really thought about it like that
at the time it was going on. That and it was one thing when it was me and
something else when it was people I felt responsible for. People that counted
on me to protect them. People that it shouldn’t be happening to.

We pulled up right outside the gate and said our thanks to Hunter who told us
he’d pick us up same time tomorrow and that I should wait by my house and not
just start walking to school on my own. I agreed that was probably a good idea
and we climbed out of the car. We didn’t take our time getting upstairs to the
fourth floor just in case Hank or Uncle Ben happened to be hanging out
somewhere throwing our bags down on the ground in my bedroom and then sitting
on my bed.

“Ok why are we babysitting?” Cole asked Pat.

“Hank has been eyeing Mac and apparently Ben has been paying closer attention
to some of the younger kids and…?” Pat sighed looking at me.

“Mr. Lord was over while I was hospitalized he took James down to the red room.
Hank and Uncle Ben have been giving Andy and Mac toys just randomly. I think
they are trying to groom them. Da made Will make a video. Don’t tell him I told
you that by the way. Apparently, Uncle Ben has been doing stuff to the twins to
the point where Matt has started doing things to Mike when we put them to bed.
So, Mike is now sleeping in Will’s room with him and if you notice I have new
bed and so does Will. It’s bad, things are just bad,” I filled in the blanks
for Cole.

“I’ve heard of tops doing that before. Getting their kids new beds so they
can…I’m sorry John,” Cole said.

“So, they can what? Spend the night with their own kid? Yeah that’s pretty much
what I got out of it considering I didn’t ask for one and it was right after I
got out of the hospital,” I answered, “So yeah, we could use your help because
I’m not sure Alice knows what to look for and handling five under five is kind
of hard. I mean Will and I did ok when we were in Montana but it was harder
than we wanted it to be. He’d usually do nights so I could get some sleep and
then mum would do mornings with them because she worked afternoons and nights
and I had school to catch up and then when everyone was home from Day care I’d
handle it with Will’s help.”

“Wait you raised them?” Cole asked me.

“Well, not really. I mean mum did the raising I just like cooked and stuff,” I
answered, “Will did nights because again I had school in the morning and Mum
was working. So, he was probably awaking with the babies mostly. You know,
doing feeding and stuff while everyone else slept besides the occasional
nightmare from James. It worked out really well actually. It’s not like I was
alone in the afternoon. Will was there.”

“What about the twins and Catty and James?” Pat asked me.

“They went to summer day camp things,” I answered, “So it was easier.”

“Ok well, does Alice need us right now or can we play some grand theft auto?”
Cole asked.

“I don’t know. Let’s at least go say hi. I mean they are cute, aren’t they?” I
asked.

“Yes, I would love to say hello to them. Let’s go,” Pat said getting up.

We walked to the nursery to find Alice reading a story to them. Mary chewing on
a stuffed bunny while Seamus was doing the same to his own hand, Laura and Mac
paying rapt attention while Andy turned when he heard the door shift.

“JACK!” He yelled happily giggling as he ran to me.

“Hey buddy!” I said picking him up and hugging him, “How has your day been?”

“Good we played house again. I was the baby and Mac and Alice was the nanny,”
he told me messing with my tie, “Why you wear a necklace?”

“It’s a tie bud. I told you that before remember?” I asked him.

“No,” he shook his head shyly.

“It’s apart the clothes I have to wear to school. You remember Pat and Cole?” I
asked pointing at them as they smiled and waved at him.

“I remember Pat but not Cool,” he said to me.

“Cole’s my good friend too,” I told Andy who looked at Cole and smiled,
“Alice,” I said turning to her to make a proper introduction, “This is Cole and
you know Pat.”

“Nice to see you again Patrick, Nice to meet you Cole,” she said, “Are they
here to help watch the kids while I make supper and do some house work?”

“Yes mam,” Cole said politely.

“Oh, aren’t you angels? Will should be home in a bit and Mikey, Matty, Catty
and James someone has to meet them out front at 4:pm so you have about an hour
and half before then if you three don’t mind,” she said before walking away
towards the kitchen.

“No problem,” Pat answered picking up Mac who walked over to him and blinked
his fist at him telling him he wanted to be picked up, “Hi there Mac how are
you today?”

“Goo,” He gurgled.

“That’s good to hear,” Pat said as the lift turned on and his eyes went wide
looking at me and Cole.

“Is that…?” He started to ask.

“His office is on the third floor so probably,” I sighed.

“Are you going to be ok?” Cole asked me.

I shrugged. I didn’t really want to think about it. What hearing it kick on
half an hour before Will was supposed to be home meant but I was thankful no
one would be caught in a compromised position.

“I can deal with him,” Pat said.

“Oh, hell no,” I said shaking my head, “I’d rather not and I’m not making Cole
deal with him so that leaves me.”

“Rabbit no,” Pat said shaking his head, “No. You’re not going to be in a room
alone with him, not with you like you are right now.”

“What does that mean?” I asked as we heard the lift open.

“It means as underweight and overly tired,” Pat answered, “Together all right?
Cole, you stay here yeah?”

“Yeah, no problem. What about when someone has to go meet the kids at the
gate?” Cole asked.

“Will, ask Will if we’re not back,” I said.

“Baby, I’m home!” Da called down the hallway sounding more like an old 1950’s
sitcom husband greeting his wife then a rapist greeting the child he was
interested in boning.

I swallowed and walked out of the nursery, “Hi Da.”

“Hi beautiful how was school?” He asked me coming towards me causing me to take
a step back.

“Hi Mr. McGregor,” Pat said behind me pushing me out of the way and then
getting in front of me.

“Paddy don’t play games,” he warned, “Unless you want to of course.”

“What does that mean?” Pat and I asked in unison.

“Well, I’ve been getting emails since we posted that video to streaming of you
two, and apparently you two together have something people want to see. I can
call Tony and see if he’s busy and get it done now or you and Will can
entertain me later John, it’s up you,” Da said looking at us.

Pat didn’t even give me a chance to answer, “Call Tony,” Pat answered.

“Really? I’ll invite your Dad over too after. I’ll call Leo of course,” Da
sighed, “Stupid contract. I need his permission for just about anything unless
it’s just me of course.”

“Does that mean my Dad should call Gus?” Pat asked.

“You have a contract too? I didn’t know that. I think that one is on your Dad,”
Da told Pat, “Why don’t we head downstairs and you two can get set up.”

Pat and I both nodded our heads and stepped into the lift. I wanted to be with
him but not this way. Not in front of them again. However, him and I both knew
we would do it. We would do it so Will didn’t have to because he cared for them
just as much as I did.

“What if Leo says no?” I asked.

“I don’t think he will but if he does say no him and I can work something out.
I don’t know he might want something out of it,” Da answered simply, “You two
go downstairs all right. Don’t get started just get ready. I’ll make some phone
calls and then come join you, all right?”

He touched my cheek causing me to back up against the wall of the lift. I
didn’t want him touching me like that, not in front of Pat. That was something
he had never done like that in front of Pat and I would rather keep it that
way.

“Relax you’re ok, just getting you a little warmed up,” Da whispered as I shook
my head.

“Da please,” I begged as he kissed my cheek.

“Connor, come on. I won’t if you do that,” Pat sighed.

“No, you will,” he said, “Or Will is going to. I’m sure Will would be thrilled
to do that again. You remember baby, how he cried and whimpered until you hit
that spot? That spot that always makes everyone go quiet?”

He undid the tie around my neck letting it fall on the lift floor as the lift
opened onto the second floor and he sighed. He was probably upset that he
couldn’t feel me up. That he couldn’t touch me in front of Pat because it
seemed like he was jealous of Patrick. Of the way I felt about him.

“Fine downstairs, I’ll let you know what’s up after I make some calls,” he said
as Pat grabbed my arm and pulled me from the elevator.

I felt like my body was shaking even though I couldn’t see it. I didn’t want my
Da touching me like that in front of Pat. It was one thing for Pat to know it
happened but completely different for him to see it. To witness the way he
pressed against me, touched me grinded on me.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Pat.

“Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything. You’re not making us go to the
basement and hoping you’ll get to film us while we bone,” Pat sighed.

“He doesn’t understand boundaries,” I answered.

“Yeah but if this keeps Will safe I’ll do it,” Pat said, “We’ll just pretend
it’s just you and me ok?”

“What if they make us…?” I started to ask the words getting caught in my
throat.

I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for Pat to give me Oral. I didn’t want
Oral ever. The thought of it terrified me, that warmness that I could never
fight. The way it spread that cold fire up my spine. I didn’t want to do that.
Not with anyone.

“I will tell them no ok?” Pat said taking my chin in his hands, “Just like the
last time they tried to make me. I don’t have to do anything you don’t want me
to.”

“What if he says he’ll make you do it to Will instead?” I asked scared that was
going to be the outcome. That I was going to have to choose to protect him over
my relationship with Patrick.

“Then, I’ll find another way. I will never purposefully hurt you. Not ever. If
that means saying no to something they tell me to do that’s what I’m going to
do ok?” Pat assured me pressing his forehead to mine.

I nodded my head wanting to believe him. Wanting to trust him more than
anything but not sure I could. Not sure that we could do this again, survive
this and I desperately needed him. I needed him more than I needed anyone else.

“Let’s go down stairs we can take a shower ok? Calm down and just try to relax.
For all you know Leo is going to say no because my Dad will be there. He
doesn’t want my Dad to touch you. My Dad isn’t like Leo and your Dad,” Pat
answered.

“You mean he’s violent and they believe they aren’t?” I asked, “Because they
are all the same to me.”

“I know Rabbit. I know they are just as bad but they don’t believe they are,”
Pat told me as we opened the basement door and walked down the steps.

Pat walked me to the bathroom in the red room with the beds and shut the door
behind us. He hugged me as he turned on the water stroking my hair whispering
sweet nothings telling me he was sorry. That he loved me and he would do
anything he could not to hurt me, to make sure it was safe. That I stayed safe.

“I’m scared,” I told him.

“I know, me too but if you want to you can be on top again. We’ll go slow
pretend they aren’t there and it’s just me and you. Pretend we’re making them
go away ok?” Pat told me as I stripped down to my underwear and he did the
same.

“Ok,” I said nodding my head as we both climbed in the shower him hugging me
his hands stroking up and down my naked back as I wrapped my hands around his
waist hugging him back, “Are we really going to do this?”

“If we have to,” Pat answered reaching over and grabbing the shower poof
putting soap on it before rubbing it on my chest, “We’ll be ok. I can’t say I
don’t think about it you know? Us. I think about how that felt all the time.
How you were warm and soft, how you felt good and safe. How I want to do it
again. I just didn’t want to do it like this you know?”

“Me too,” I answered, “I just thought it would be different. Just us. One day,
at some point after we were done with Leo and Gus.”

“You have no idea how strong you are? Do you Rabbit? How Handsome and sweet,”
Pat said his hand starting to go lower.

I didn’t flinch or pull away. I didn’t want to not while it was just the two of
us. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me his hand cupping my balls gently, not really
massaging but more petting sending warm heat flooding up my body as he grabbed
my shoulder pushing me softly against the wall in order to hold me steady as he
lips met mine his tongue coaxing my mouth open as I wrapped my arms around his
shoulders kissing back urgently until I was overwhelmed with the feeling of his
touch, of his hands caressing and petting my groin.

I heard him laugh lightly and opened my eyes, “What?” I barely managed to ask
panting silently still allowing the waves of pleasure to crash over my body.

“You’re have a stunning face when you’re enjoying the way you feel. your lips
parted just so and your eyes closed a slight smile,” He breathed against my
neck before his tongue found its way into my mouth his hand picking up speed
making me fervently moan into our kiss.

It felt like fireworks and dandelion fluff floating on a strong wind all at
once explosive but gentle. Soft and sweet but fierce and urgent all at once. It
felt like love, real love. The kind of love people write poems and novels
about. The kind of love people dedicate songs to and live their lives searching
for. It was strong and pulsing and soft and tender. It was everything. Just as
I felt like I was on the edge his tongue swirling around mine, his teeth
teasing my bottom lip lightly he pulled away both of us panting.

“What was that?” I asked.

Pat giggled and shrugged his shoulders, “A warm up? Preview? Whatever you want
it to be.”

“It was fantastic,” I said, “I think we should get out. He said not to get
started you realize?”

“Who said I was starting yet? That and I thought you might like to…you know,”
he said soaping himself up quickly and rinsing off.

“You think they would let me?” I asked taking the shower poof and doing the
same trying to get my blood to cool down as he climbed out of the shower
bending over to grab us towels from the cabinet the view sending the blood
rushing south below my waist again.

“I don’t know, I hope so. I think it’d be good for you to dominate a little
bit,” Pat said, “Sometimes I think you’re so used to submitting you forget you
have some strength to you. I’d like to see it again like you had when you first
got here from London. I mean you’ve always been kind of quiet but you used to
be less shy and more just observant.”

“Yeah well it’s not easy to not be shy when every man that looks at you gives
you that type of look…” I answered.

“I know but, I think it’d be a good reminder just to have you do some of that
stuff you know. And you’re really really awesome with your oral abilities,” he
said blushing.

I cracked up. He just told me I apparently gave good head which I had heard
before but from him it sounded like a compliment that was meant to actually
feel good, feel safe. Unlike when I had heard it before. That time it was more
like a taunt, a threat, that it was something to be used against me.

“Don’t tell them that,” I said.

“Never,” Pat swore, “So we’re clean. What should we do?”

“I don’t know, I’m actually still reading Harry Potter even without the kids,”
I said sitting down on the bed, feeling comfortable in my naked skin for once.

“Really? Is it really that good? I mean I’ve heard that like everyone is
reading it but I still haven’t picked it up. I’m more of a lord of the rings
nerd myself.” Pat told me.

“You Lord of the rings really?” I asked.

“Yes,” Pat told me, “The battles, the Orcs. God the Orcs remind me of my Dad a
little bit, fat and big and ugly.”

“Maybe he was an orc in a past life,” I said.

“I wouldn’t be surprised. Sometimes I’m amazed the man speaks let alone that he
made detective. I mean half the time the only words I have heard from him are
“fuck yeah” so not really great verbal skills there,” Pat said.

“What about the Hobbit? Have you read that?” I asked.

“Yeah for sure,” Pat answered, “Gollum reminds me of Will, the riddle part.
He’s not into riddles that often in person but you talk to him online that boy
all he does is speak in them. He asked me a weird one the other day. I think it
was you can see me in water but I never get wet what am I? I thought it was a
good one so I asked Cole and he couldn’t figure it out. I nearly died when he
called Tosh and Tosh got it right away. And then Cole smacked me with his sock
but yeah.”

“Wouldn’t that be a reflection?” I asked.

“YES! How did you come up with that?” He asked me.

“Common sense. I mean if you really think about it. A still body of water is
like a mirror a little bit. You can see me in water but I never get wet. A
reflection is just that it’s an image of something and not really the thing
itself so therefore it can’t get wet because it’s not actually in the water but
something seen on the water’s surface,” I answered.

“And Cole could not come up with that,” Pat said, “I love Cole but sometimes
he’s not that bright.”

“Well not to put myself down but I’m about average whereas Will is just like
whoa you know? He’s super smart. He knows a lot more about just about
everything,” I said.

“Not true. You’re smart you just don’t realize it, you’re smarter than a lot of
people,” Pat told me.

“How do you think so?” I asked.

“well,” Pat said, “You have helped potty train how many kids? You do everything
you can to keep them safe. I’ve seen you handle a temper tantrum like a
seasoned professional. You were managing to pull B’s in the classes you didn’t
keep missing before you left for Montana. You have amazing will power too on
top of that.”

“Potty training isn’t something smart. That’s common sense,” I said.

“You’d be surprised,” Pat told me, “The thing with the castle building all
three of us together. That was impressive and the fact that you can. I don’t
know how to explain it but I see something in you. You’re smart.”

“Well, I feel pretty damn stupid,” I answered, “letting you come with me when
he came upstairs. If I had gotten you to stay in the room then we wouldn’t be
down here together.”

“Like you could have stopped me? You’re my Rabbit, like I’d ever leave you to
deal alone if I didn’t have to,” Pat scoffed.

“Can I ask you something? Something we’ve never really talked about?” I said
quietly.

“Anything, yeah,” Pat said, “What’s up?”

“You went to the hospital before. I know you did but you’ve never talked about
how you ended up there or why. Or how old you were. If Neal was there. You
know, that type of stuff,” I answered, “Can you tell me about it?”

“Huh, yeah Rabbit I’ll tell you about it if you want me to. I was 11. I took a
bunch of pain pills and tried to hang myself. It was Dad he had me so fucked
up. Charlie had died not too long before that and mom had left. Dad had me
convinced mom left because she hated me. I still half believe it so I just kind
of gave up. Between my mom hating me and him and the way he was because I was
right there at the brink. Where I was almost old enough he wasn’t interested
but I was still just young enough to make him happy so…it was hard. And I told
Karen what he was doing to me.” Pat sighed and I reached out my hand which he
grabbed and squeezed gently before continuing, “She told me I was lying. That
Dad would never do that to me. That I was disgusting for even making something
like that up. So, I felt alone. I was scared and I hated myself because I
hadn’t been able to protect Charlie so I decided to end it.”

“I’m glad it didn’t work,” I said quietly.

“Me too,” Pat said smiling sadly.

“And I just couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t face being Leo’s who in the end
I begged to get out of that place,” I said shivering as I thought about it.

“I know they are different with you. I remember being little. The way my Dad
used to be before I got older. He wasn’t always mean about it. Sometimes he’d
take his time. That was always scarier so I can understand why you didn’t want
to be with Leo especially after the stuff Vic told us he does. After the stuff
you refuse to really talk about. It’s not your fault you had to make that
choice,” Pat said as there was a knock on the door that startled us both.

It was my Da but he wasn’t alone. Leo and Arthur and Hank were all with him as
well as Tony some of them carrying what looked like suit cases. I felt suddenly
very exposed very naked.

“Hi boys,” Hank said as Arthur smiled at us and Pat pulled the blanket out from
under him putting it in my lap so my private areas were covered.

“So,” My Da started to speak, “We’re going to make a little movie and depending
on how it goes we’ll see what happens after.”

We sighed as Arthur started helping Tony take out cameras and set them up
around the bed pointed at us. Just seeing them made me nervous. Made me worry
about what exactly it was they were planning on doing. Whether they were just
videotaping Pat and I together or whether they were going to do other things.

“Hi baby,” Leo said looking at me closely his eyes giving me that look making
me shift nervously, “Don’t be upset it’s ok. Your Dad asked me if it was ok for
you two to make a movie. I said yes and maybe we’ll have some time together
afterwards? Can I warm you up a little bit?”

He climbed on the bed next to me and I noticed Pat’s eyes get angry as he
hugged me kissing my cheek and then my neck. I wanted to push Leo away I didn’t
want him to do this but, I knew I wasn’t allowed to that he would make me pay
for it later. His hand sliding down the center of my chest down to my stomach
and into my lap.

“Please Leo,” I begged.

“Just relax. Just to get you up and running ok?” Leo said his hand going where
Pat’s had been earlier, “That’s it, that’s my good boy.”

“Stop,” I mumbled grabbing his wrist trying to stop him from stroking me.

“Nahahah, don’t pull away. Don’t fight,” he said as I started to fidget, to
tremble.

“I thought him and I were making the movie?” Pat questioned looking at Leo
causing him to stop mid stroke.

“You are. That doesn’t mean I can’t help him get ready,” Leo said.

“He doesn’t want you to,” Pat said trying to keep his voice down so he didn’t
draw the attention of everyone else in the room.

He started rubbing again making me close my eyes tightly. I knew he was doing
it just to piss Pat off and make me upset because I very obviously didn’t want
it to happen. I knew I was panting heavily my body responding as his bit into
the back of my neck and whispered things in my ear but I felt like it was too
hard to focus on what he was saying. That cold fire spreading through my body
as he rubbed me to hardness only stopping when he heard someone laughing.

“He looks like he’s trying to hold back a moan,” Arthur commented through his
laughing.

“Probably,” Leo said, “He makes the best sounds but he’s reluctant to share
sometimes. Aren’t you beautiful?” he muttered kissing my cheek before he got up
walking away.

“You ok?” Pat whispered to me as I opened my eyes realizing my mouth was
hanging open and my whole body was shaking.

“I’m not sure I want to do this anymore,” I whispered back.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head and pulling my face into his lap holding me
close rubbing my shoulders, “It’s ok we don’t have to all right. I’ll tell them
no.”

“You can’t,” I warned him, “You can’t. They’ll get mad, it’ll be worse.”

“I’m not going to if you’re not ok with it. Not ever,” Pat warned me.

“Let’s just do it ok? Let’s just get it done with,” I whispered back before
turning over so I was laying on my back and pulling Pat’s face down so his lips
could meet mine kissing him, rolling my tongue across his.

“I think we should hit record what do you think guys?” I heard one of them
mumble. The rest must have nodded in agreement because then I heard someone
barely whisper “and action”

Pat smiled at me and muttered into my ear as he nibbled it lightly his body
bent in half so I was still laying in his lap his upper body hovering over me,
“You sure this is ok?”

I nodded my head and smiled sighing as he shifted my weight so that I was no
longer in his lap but he was above me, kissing my nipples making me laugh as I
pet his thighs gently before I realized where his head was starting to go
causing me to freeze. I wouldn’t do that. He knew I wouldn’t do that. What on
earth was he doing? That was the only thing that rushed through my head before
he brought his face back up towards mine rubbing his nose against my nose my
eyes fluttering open to look at him.
“Hey it’s ok. I’m just going to make it look like I’m doing that. I’m not going
to though all right? You might feel my lips on your thigh but I won’t put my
mouth there I swear, I promise,” he whispered so quietly I don’t the anyone
else in the room heard it and I nodded my head sighing deeply as he started
kissing back down my chest leaning farther and farther over me the kisses
tickling but still making me nervous.

“Aren’t you going to kiss him?” I heard snapping my head sideways slightly
ignoring the glorious sight above my head to see Hank watching closely, “Oh so
cute I think it’s beyond sexy when you bite your lip like that, playing shy.”

Pat’s hand Slid along the outside of my hips a kiss landing above my belly
button. I didn’t like Hank being that close while we did this. While I was
pinned under Pat letting him touch me the way he was. It felt good but Hanks
eyes, the look in his face, the excitement he was showing reminded me of the
Villa. Of the way he had pet my hair as Gus had gone down on me. The way his
eyes lit up when my mouth had opened as I tried to hold back my moan.

“Hank I think you’re making him nervous,” Leo said, “Back up. I didn’t say you
could play with him. I gave you permission to be here.”

“All right,” Hank sighed heavily moving away giving us some space.

“John it’s all right,” Pat muttered against my outer thigh his lips tickling
them as I sighed slowly trying to relax as I looked up at Pat’s Cock and balls
dangling above me.

I reached up and started massaging him as he continued to stroke my outer
thighs feeling his body tense for a second as I made contact before he started
to relax hugging my left leg starting to pant heavily as I propped myself up
started to rub him slowly at first and then faster tugging him into erection
before I put my mouth around him. His shaft tasted of salt but didn’t smell
bad. He actually smelt a little of strawberries which I think was the body wash
we had used in the shower but either way it wasn’t unpleasant even if it wasn’t
my favorite smell of him. The sweet saltiness of chocolate covered pretzels. He
gasped lightly licking my inner thigh and biting into it lightly as I started
to deep throat him.

The bite didn’t hurt and I was pretty sure he was just doing it so he didn’t
moan out loud letting them know he wasn’t giving me the same treatment because
that was something I was very not ok with. The whole thing made me feel nervous
not because I hadn’t given Pat head before, because I had and I really enjoyed
it. But because they were all watching and I could feel their eyes on my skin,
almost hear them thinking, wishing it was them instead of him. I felt his
tongue glide down my inner thigh near my knee and it stopped me causing me to
freeze out of both nervousness and excitement.

Pat let out a breathy Pant, “Don’t stop.”

I suppressed a laugh forgetting for almost a second that they were watching
running my tongue along the underside causing him to moan loudly rocking his
hips backwards as I reached around stroking the back of his thighs and ass
gently as I felt his back arch his body tense above me as he got closer to
climax.

“Fuck,” I heard him moan.as he grabbed me starting to pump me back to full
hardness.

“Ok boys do something else now please,” Tony directed causing me to pull my
mouth away as Pat turned around so we were face to face him stroking my hair
looking at me closely as we both panted. He started grinding down on me gently
our penis’ rubbing together. A moan escaping my lips as Pat started kissing my
neck, his hands counting my ribs softly. Running up and down them over and over
as if he were playing an instrument or searching a piano for the right key to
start playing a song.

“You ok?” He asked me as my moan escaped to which I nodded my head as someone
laid condoms and lube on the bed beside us, “You want to be on top?” He asked
me nipping at my bottom lip playfully to which I nodded my head getting ready
to switch spots.

“No. Let’s start with John on bottom first guys,” Tony said making us freeze.

“What?” I asked Pat freezing.

“Relax. The audience just wants to see how Pat moves is all. Because last time
you were on top remember? It’s not a big deal.” Tony explained.

Pat sighed and looked down at me reading my expression carefully. If I wasn’t
ok with it he wasn’t going to do it. I knew he wouldn’t. That he would outright
refuse to dominate me if I seemed too conflicted about it.

“It’s better than one of them,” I reminded him quietly as he looked at me.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “Let us go at our own pace though please.”

“Sure, kid whatever,” Tony said as we laid down side by side facing each other
him running his thumb gently over my bottom lip.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head a look of determination on his face as he
leaned in and kissed my neck sucking and nipping gently at the skin there
before he whispered in my ear, “I love you.”

I closed my eyes running my hands along his back trying to relax. I knew it was
him or one of them and I wasn’t going to let them against my skin if I had a
choice. His hands sliding down my sides gripping my hips as he pressed against
me making sure the friction of our hardness kept us both at attention as I
buried my head into his neck before he flipped me over so he was straddling my
hips kissing down my chest slowly.

He parted my legs gently with his hands massaging the outside of my thighs as I
nodded my head. I closed my eyes leaning back as his fingers pressed lightly
against my entrance circling my puckered hole making me gasp as it tickled
before I felt a wet heavily coated finger slide inside of me. My eyes snapping
open to look at him.

“Are you ok?” He asked me quietly.

“No talking unless it’s in the throes of passion,” Tony muttered from behind
the camera.

I nodded my head in response taking a deep breath and fisting the sheets as he
slid another finger slightly wheezing as the feeling over took me. I took a
deep exhale allowing my head to fall back onto the pillows closing my eyes
again trying to relax into the feeling of his fingers inside of me as he
started to scissor me open slightly getting me ready to be penetrated his
fingers moving around slowly making circling motions inside of me looking for
that spot. For an angle that would feel comfortable for me before he forced his
way into me. When my eyes opened and my hand went to stroke his hair gently he
seemed satisfied he had found the place he was looking for and removed his
fingers putting on a condom and lining his body up with mine.

“I’m going to go nice and slow ok?” Pat asked me quietly and I place my
forehead against his nodding as he slid slowly inch by inch into me. Once our
bodies were connected he waited for me to nod my head letting him know I was
ready for him to move before he started to thrust. The feeling of him pulling
out overwhelming almost making my eyes roll as I tried to stay calm.

Being anxious didn’t help me relax and that made things a little harder.
Especially knowing everyone was watching but him waiting for my say so gave me
enough time to prepare for him. To be ready for him to start moving that I
relaxed enough it didn’t hurt. I felt each ring of muscle pull him back inside
of me as his head tickled that spot.

“Oh,” I said before I could stop myself the tingle spreading hot and
concentrated through my body.

“You ok?” He asked me again to which I nodded again gently massaging the back
of his neck as he pulled back out slowly my back arching slightly to pull my
torso towards his retraction.

“Shit,” I whispered as he pushed back into me a little deeper on the next
thrusts his eyes going wide as he bit his own lip to muffle his moan.

We found a pace, our bodies reading each other. Any moan that he made being met
with one of my own as we panted. He hit that spot tenderly sending me mewling
and close to the edge within 10 minutes. My legs wrapping around his waist
trying to pull him closer, trying to connect myself to him as thoroughly as
possible as he moved inside me. He rolled his hips as he got closer to the
edge. When I didn’t think I could take it anymore he reached in-between my legs
under him grabbing me pumping, pulling me to release. My body tensing around
his leaving my eyes rolling and me panting, breathless as I reached
completeness him following me soon after. His head collapsing on my chest once
he was done.

For a couple minutes, there was nothing in the room but silence. It was almost
possible to ignore that fact we had four men staring at us as well as three
cameras. In throes of passion forgetting they were there completely.

“That was good. I came in my pants a little,” Tony said suddenly causing Pat to
look at him shifting his weight so he was no longer inside of me.

“Yeah that was really really good,” Leo said coming towards the bed making Pat
go on alert as if he could protect me from them.

“Now, now don’t be that way. He’s not yours. You just got to barrow him,” Leo
said putting one knee on the bed and holding his hand out to me, “You’re mine
aren’t you baby? Come on, come here baby.”

I didn’t want to go to him. I knew he was probably going to hurt me, the look
in his eyes said it all. I was still trying to catch my breath, my heart still
pounding from what Pat and I had just done. I also wasn’t ready to let go of
that warmness Pat always made flood through me. The warm so intense it was
almost a burning heat but still felt good, comforting whereas nothing about Leo
made me feel that way.

“John, you’re contracted to him,” My Da reminded me from where he was standing
as Arthur and Tony started putting the equipment away.

“I’m just going to get you cleaned up that’s all,” Leo said, “I won’t hurt you.
I’ll never hurt you.”

Pat moved clenching his fist and closing his eyes tightly. He wanted to call
Leo on his lies but knew that in order to punish him they would probably punish
me and that was something he didn’t want. That was a lesson neither one of us
would ever forget and it kept Pat’s temper in check no matter how hard it was
for him to do.

Hank barked at Pat to go to the bathroom and get cleaned up and dressed because
they were going to head home as Arthur packed the last of the camera stuff away
in its case and opened the door taking it out into the hallway as Tony grabbed
the other one shaking my Da’s hand as he did so. My Da shutting the door behind
them.

I didn’t like the look Leo was giving me as he sat on the bed beside me still
not touching me but not taking his eyes off of me. My heart felt like it was
fighting to beat. My fear so great that it felt like it was going to stop. I
would have closed my eyes and prayed to god they weren’t going to do what I
thought they were if I hadn’t been scared to take my eyes off of him.

“So, you said you like the pleading?” My Da asked Leo.

“Yeah,” he said smiling for just a brief second, “I don’t know. It just gets my
blood going for some reason.”

“Does he actually comply?” My Da asked him.

“Oh yes, he’s a good boy aren’t you Johnny?” Leo said his eyes never leaving me
as I stared back at him.

We heard the bathroom door open and Pat stepped out wearing his school uniform
my glance pulling away from Leo to see Pat’s pained expression. He knew there
was nothing he could do to save me from whatever they were planning. His eyes
told me he was sorry, that he was beyond sorry and I knew he was. It didn’t
take Einstein to understand that. That they had taken something that could have
mattered, could have been good and they were going to ruin it.

Da opened the door standing aside so Pat could leave and when Pat was out in
the hall Da slammed the door in his face as he turned around locking it before
he started stripping himself out of his clothes which Leo had already done
before the cameras started rolling.

Leo didn’t waste any time pinning me my arms above my head straddling me his
mouth finding my neck and biting it roughly, excitedly.

“Stop,” I begged bucking slightly which caused Leo to grab my chin hard yanking
it so I was looking directly at him.

“No fighting remember? You fight you get punished,” he hissed at me squeezing
my jaw in his grip as I struggled to nod my head against the pressure.

“I don’t want to,” I said as he let go of my chin his kisses starting to trail
down my chest towards my cum covered lower body, “No please, please stop.
Please.”

My mind was racing his kisses finding their way to my belly button licking up
the little dribbles and droplets that lay above it him moaning in pleasure as
he did so. I hated my body that it had given him that even though that act
hadn’t been for him. He had taken it and ruined it using it for something he
wanted.

“Please, no, please Leo, please don’t,” I whined as tears started to overflow
in my tears ducts. I wanted to fight back. To push him off and I knew I
couldn’t. That I wouldn’t be allowed to. That they would find some way to hurt
me really badly if I did when my body was just so tired with the mere thought
of that type of punishment, “Da please don’t let him.” I begged suddenly before
I could stop myself.

“Now, now he’s just cleaning you up. He’s just going to make you feel good
baby,” Da said coming over to the bed and sitting on my other side stroking my
hair gently making my nerves misfire making me feel sick.

“Daddy please don’t let him. Please god, please,” I begged reaching out a hand
for my Da which he grabbed and squeezed.

“It’s ok we love you,” Da told me as my eyes tried to pop out of my head Leo’s
mouth going around me making me go silent, “There you go. That’s our good boy.”

I started panting again not able to catch my breath. My whole body being zapped
by that ice-cold electricity running up and down my spine. Through my veins
making my body feel heavy and trapped. Making me feel trapped inside of it with
nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

I tried to go away. To build a castle to shield myself as my body betrayed me.
As they did things to me I didn’t want them to. Each zap kept bring me back,
pulling me back to the surface I was so desperately trying to drive myself
farther away from. First it was Leo and then my Da. Taking turns driving
themselves deep inside of me whispering those praises, that they made sound
like taunts in my ears. Telling me how good I was, how sweet I tasted, and
felt. Telling me those things that made me want to die, to be nothing.

When they were done they had both gotten what they wanted from me. After
watching each other do it, egging each other on and encouraging my frozen
silence, my reluctant participation. I couldn’t speak or move. Unable to catch
my breath I managed to roll onto my side and pull my knees into my chest as the
silent tears kept falling down my face. I wanted to disappear. They had taken
that from me. That moment. That moment where sex could have felt nice and safe
and good and they had turned it against me made it dirty and disgusting and bad
again. Made me face the fact that I was a whore and that’s all I would ever be.

I think they both used the shower before they got dressed but I don’t remember.
I don’t really remember anything besides waking up at some point later. The
house quiet the lights off and room empty with the door slightly ajar the sun
barely up from what I could tell through the tiny bit of light making it down
the basement stairway.

I went into the bathroom grabbing my clothes after pulling my pants over my
hips knowing that Da would probably be angry if I showered them away, what they
had done off of my skin. I felt sick to my stomach, tired. I felt used but knew
it was time to go upstairs that dinner was probably already done and waiting
for me if I could bring myself to actually eat it.

Just as I made my way upstairs I heard the front door open and there stood Vic.
His eyes went wide for less than a second as he took me in, my tussled hair, my
uncovered chest holding the rest of my uniform along with my socks and
underwear in my arms.

“You ok?” He asked me.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

“To weigh you. Did you forget? I’m keeping a close on your weight,” he reminded
me.

“Oh,” I said starting to walk up the stairs as he shut the front door behind
him.

“Did something happen?” He asked me.

“Tony came over, Pat and Cole came home with me. My Da took Pat and I
downstairs and then…” I trailed off.

“No, oh geeze,” Vic sighed pinching the bridge of his nose as he took a deep
breath. He was visibly upset by this news, “How are you doing?”

“Numb,” I answered, “I think I might have been ok if Da and Leo hadn’t…if they
hadn’t of done that after. I think I would have been ok.” I barely managed to
get the last sentence out starting to cry again.

“Ok, well let’s get you upstairs and I’ll weigh you. Then you can shower and
settle in all right? Have you eaten since you got home?” He asked me quietly
careful to keep his distance even as he walked closer to me.

“My skin is crawling. I’m not anywhere near hungry,” I answered hugging my pile
of dirty clothes to my chest.

“Well you have to eat,” he said starting up the stairs behind me, “So we’ll
take your weight and I’ll hang around for a bit, make sure you eat some food
all right?”

I sighed and nodded my head knowing that he wouldn’t agree to anything less.
That he wanted me to eat, knew I needed to eat and that I wouldn’t do it if he
left me on my own. He was my doctors after all and still a friend even if I no
longer trusted him, it was something he was slowly starting to earn back in my
opinion.

We stepped into the elevator and rode the lift up in silence. The house was
quiet already the babies already in bed making me realize it was later than I
thought it was. I sighed glad that there was no one to try and knock me over
when they threw themselves around my legs out of love and excitement at seeing
me. We walked into my room and I threw my dirty uniform in the hamper and
looked at Vic cautiously afraid of what he wanted me to do next. If he wanted
to weigh me naked or not, not wanting to be that exposed to him or anyone
anytime soon.

He must have read my mind because he looked at me and sighed, “Yeah you can
keep your pants on until you hop in the shower all right?”

“Thank you,” I answered.

“John don’t thank me for that please. You know I’m not like them,” he said
quietly.

“Sometimes I have a hard time believing you aren’t, considering,” I answered
honestly as he went into my bathroom and put the scale down on the floor.

“You want to talk about that right now?” He asked me softly his eyes filled
with hurt as my words reminded him I didn’t trust him anymore. That he had
broken that trust and it was going to be a long and slow process to repair it.

I shook my head and stepped on the scale backwards like I had the day before.
He sighed after looking at the number and gesturing for me to step off. He put
the scale away.

“It’s not horrible,” he answered, “But you have to eat something so I’m going
to go see if dinner is going to be enough and you’re going to eat it. You can
take a shower while I’m out there if you like.”

“Da won’t be happy with that,” I said quietly feeling my face start to burn
red.

“Don’t worry about him. I’ll worry about him. You worry about making yourself
feel better ok?” He said to which I nodded my head as he left the room shutting
the bathroom door behind him.

I turned on the water immediately making it hot, allowing stream to fill the
room and condensation to cover the mirror before I turned on the fan to allow
the air to circulate. I wanted the air to be hot, everything to be hot hoping
it would burn away what they had done to me, what they had used to cover up
Pat’s touches, and kisses. I sighed as I undid my pants stepping out of them
hissing as the water hit my hips, hitting fresh scratches that I didn’t realize
were there before I stepped in.

I gave myself time to let the water wash over me, time to scrub my skin clean,
scrub their seed and saliva out of my crevices and off of my skin. When I was
done I dried myself off and then found clothes all moment before Vic came back
in carrying what looked like chicken Parmesan and glass of milk setting them
gently down on the night stand next to the bed.

“How are you feeling?” He asked me.

“Tired,” I answered, “I always feel tired.”

“I can understand that,” Vic said pointing to the plate so I would take it, “My
friend was like you. They wouldn’t leave him alone. He was 21 when… however I
feel like they’ll slow down with you. The fact your Da is getting attached to
Will is a good thing. For you anyway, in that respect.”

“I don’t want him to get attached to any of them. Yeah it means he’s paying
less attention to me but that means he’s doing it to someone else. And they
don’t deserve it,” I mumbled taking a bite of food. I was still so anxious my
body still feeling them the food tasted like cardboard in my mouth but I still
ate. Taking small bites but making sure I kept a steady pace.

“You don’t either John. You might think you do but you don’t. I know they say
things to you. That they blame you for what they do but, you haven’t done
anything,” Vic told me.

“Yes, I have,” I hissed putting my fork and knife down.

“No, you haven’t,” Vic insisted.

“Yes, I have. You don’t get it. They say it’s because I’m beautiful. Because I
flirt. That it’s because of the way I move, the way I look, just being alive.
They’ve always told me that even when I was little he used to tell me that.
That if I wasn’t so sweet, so me that he wouldn’t do it,” I answered.

“Starving yourself won’t make them stop. Changing yourself won’t make them
stop. Nothing is going to make them stop outside of us getting those journals
you guys keep to someone who isn’t in the brotherhood which is something that
as long as you are living here won’t happen,” Vic said and there was a slight
knock on my door making Vic jump and look more shaken then it did me.

“Hi Bab…Vic I forgot you were coming,” Da said opening the door, “How are you
doing?”

“I’m well, thank you for asking,” Vic said, “I said I would check his weight
and health every day. I meant it.”

“How is he looking?” My Da asked.

“It’ll be slow progress for a while but he’s making an effort. He shouldn’t
drink soda it should be milk, water, fruit juice those type of things. I don’t
want empty calories I want nutritious calories for right now. After school, he
needs to drink a protein or meal substitute I think just to help with that
boost in gaining. Otherwise he seems to be doing good,” Vic answered my Da.

“Good to hear. John why have you showered?” He asked me noticing my hair was
wet.

“I told him to,” Vic said, “So I could spend some time with him.”

“Oh,” My Da nodded his head in understanding, “I can understand that. Rather
have him fresh and new then second rate.”

“Clean is nice especially because you know my …desires. I do believe I showed
you,” Vic said not giving any indication of his emotions.

“Of course,” My Da answered, “Have fun. I’ll see you later John ok?”

I nodded my head looking at my plate. So, he didn’t care that I was going to be
with Vic, he still wanted me. He still wanted to have sex with me regardless.
Even though he had done it earlier and Leo too. He shut the door behind him
leaving Vic and I alone once more.

“I’m not really going to. Just so you know,” Vic told me.

“Thank you,” I said numbly, “You know what he just said right?”

“I’m going to give you something that you’re going to take. It’ll make you
tired so you’ll sleep well. You might not even remember what happens after it
kicks in. I’ll do my best to make sure you’re ok. All right?” Vic asked me.

“They said I was theirs,” I said after a minute of silence, “They told Pat that
they were just letting him barrow me. That I was theirs and then they…”

I trailed off. Knowing he would understand. That I didn’t have to say it. That
I didn’t have to tell him what they did again.

“The only person you belong to is you,” he responded, “Don’t ever allow them to
have you thinking otherwise. Do you want to talk about what happened? With Pat
was he, did he treat you badly?” Vic asked wording it carefully.

“No, he was nice. I almost forgot they were there watching when we…he was
careful. It felt different, even a little nice. Instead of feeling cold it felt
warm. Like all the bad stuff was melting away. He tricked them,” I answered.

“Tricked them how?” Vic asked frowning, “When they have cameras right there
it’s kind of hard to trick them.”

“There are things I don’t, I won’t…” Vic cut me off.

“So, you and Pat are still fooling around even though you shouldn’t be?” Vic
asked me.

“Not right now no, not like we were,” I answered.

“So, there are things you won’t do and he knows that so he didn’t do them?” He
asked me.

“Right,” I said nodding my head, “He made it look like he was but he didn’t. It
made it easier.”

“Ah,” Vic nodded his head understanding, “That was brave of him. If they would
have figured it out you both would have gotten into a lot of trouble.”

“I know,” I said nodding my head, “But he knew I wouldn’t, that I couldn’t.
That I was nervous enough just doing the other stuff they wanted us to do. At
least until I forgot they were there. It was only for a couple of minutes but
it felt nice.”

“If they see you respond that way to him but they know you don’t do that with
them they might have taken that as an insult,” Vic said, “Could be why they did
those things after that and for some people sounds make things more arousing.”

“I didn’t mean to it just happened,” I said feeling my cheeks start to flush,
“If I had known it would make them, do that I wouldn’t have done it.”

“I know,” Vic said nodding his head, “I know. Just be careful with Patrick
alright?”

“We don’t really. Do that alone. We’ve talked about but we don’t. Usually it’s
just kissing but that’s pretty new again. Because we’re both contracted we’ve
been trying to keep that type of stuff limited because it’s dangerous,” I
answered.

“As long as you two realize that,” he said, “Eat.”

I sighed and finished my plate. Managing to get it all down before he handed me
two pills to swallow with my last glass of milk. He then stuck around for a
while. I don’t remember him leaving but I woke up the next morning alone my
clothes still on. I sighed in relief knowing he hadn’t come to me again. That
he had left me alone.
 
***** 35 *****
Chapter Summary
     After dreading the start of another week and another weekend John
     gets into an altercation with Ben that puts him on bed rest. Best
     rest comes to an end just as thanksgiving is about to happen and
     break is about to start. The kids are finally reunited with mum to
     find that she's not the same as she used to be and that maybe her
     pysche might be in a fragile state.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 700 to 728. 410 pages to go before the end of part 2. Exciting
     huh? Probably not, probably not really exciting until I get into the
     double digits right? Well, anyway, thanks for hanging out with me
     through this. Things are about to get interesting and then get really
     dark here, just a warning. Warnings: Rape/non-con, talk of rape/non-
     con, sexual abuse, underage kissing, minor character death off
     screen, Physical abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, brain washing,
     mental health issues, eating disorders
I got up and got ready for school. It was Wednesday which meant mass in the
morning and then I’d have to deal with both Finick and McClairen which was not
something I was looking forward to. Finick and the way he always turned off the
lights and made us watch movies. how he would press against me with the light
off. How it made me feel sick to my stomach. McClairen and the way he would
look at me, watching me while he thought the other students were not paying
attention both were beyond horrible in different ways.

When I stepped outside Hunter was already there waiting Cole sitting in the
front as Pat scooted over so I could climb into the back. I didn’t even try to
hide the fact I was relieved to see him and still upset about what happened
climbing in and laying over the seat throwing my arms around his waist laying
my head in his lap as he rubbed my hair gently bending over me as I closed my
eyes breathing in his scent deeply. Loving the way his hands felt in my hair
the way his voice sounded in my ears as he whispered comfort into my ears.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“I am now,” I answered in a hushed tone, “It wasn’t so bad. Just, I don’t know.
I was tired.”

“They didn’t beat you up or anything like that?” He whispered looking down at
me as I shifted my weight so I was laying on my back staring up at him.

“No, probably because you didn’t fight or tell them not to. Because you were
good,” I answered.

“What about you?” He asked me.

I didn’t answer not able to look him in the eyes. Not wanting to talk about it.
How I begged. How I had pleaded with every fiber of my being to my Da to have
Leo stop. To have him not rape me, not climb on top of me and whisper those
horrible things in my ears. Tell me how good I felt, how much he loved being
inside of me.

He sighed in response to my silence, “But you didn’t fight them, right? That’s
why they didn’t hurt you?”

I nodded my head, “I wish they hadn’t of done it. It was almost ok you know?”

I didn’t dare look him in the eyes afraid of what I would see there. Afraid he
didn’t feel the same way I did. That it hadn’t felt good to him or he would
deny it did if it had.

“Yeah, I know,” he answered leaning over me his upper half covering mine, “I
enjoyed it would have been better if they hadn’t been there though. I love you
and our first time will be special without them, our real first time. I
promise. And you can say or do or not do and not say whatever you want Rabbit
and I’ll do everything I can to make sure you feel safe and wanted and
respected ok?”

“I know you will. I love you too,” I said quietly.

I thought I had said it quietly enough that neither one of them could hear but
then I heard quiet laughter from the front seat causing both Pat and I to look
up. I could see Hunter watching us in the rear-view mirror at the traffic light
we were stopped at. I felt my face heating up realizing he had either read the
words or heard me say them.

“Sorry,” Hunter murmured the amusement still present on his face, “There’s
nothing wrong with it just…you know. Be careful. The car isn’t exactly a
private place here guys.”

“Wait what?” Cole asked sleepily stretching as Hunters words woke him up.

“Nothing,” Hunter said still not able to wipe the smirk off of his face as we
sighed Pat helping me sit up.

“It’s not anything you’re not already aware of Cole I swear,” Pat said as Cole
turned around.

“Oh that, yeah he’s told me all about it. No need to be embarrassed,” Cole
replied making my face go red again.

“Not that,” Pat whispered, “I didn’t tell him that. Just that I care about
you.”

“Oh,” I sighed in relief.

I would really prefer Cole didn’t know we had sort of had sex last night even
if I had been forced and it was not a choice we had gotten to make. It wasn’t
like real sex but as close as I had ever felt to it. My moans not half made of
protest me not trying to push him away. He had been gentle respecting me and my
boundaries his mouth staying as far away from areas I didn’t want it as he
could without us getting caught not doing what we were told. The moans mostly
coming from undeniable pleasure. Pleasure given to me by someone I cared about.
That I was willing to experience that with.

“Wait did you think I told him…?” Pat went silent.

“Told me what?” Cole said his curiosity getting pricked, “Are you holding out
on me guys? Come on I’d give you details.”

“I don’t kiss and tell,” Pat said, “You know that.”

“Huh,” Hunter said and then cleared his throat, “As much as I adore all of you
I don’t need to hear about your exploits thanks. I’m really actually trying to
move forward with my life as much as possible and being reminded that I live in
a world where we’re so isolated from girls at your age that having trysts like
that is a normal thing. I’d rather forget now that I’m in college and have all
of these sexy girls flirting with me all the time.”

“Forget girls,” Cole muttered.

“Yeah I know that’s how you feel about it but do you think that’s how these two
will feel?” Hunter asked as we pulled up to the school.

“About girls? Yeah, if he’s here,” Pat answered his tone serious his expression
matching.

“Woah,” Hunter said, “Didn’t think you were the type Patrick.”

“What does it matter it’s not like I’m interested in anyone else,” Pat sighed
looking at me grabbing my hand, “What do you think?”

“I don’t see myself with anyone else,” I answered honestly.

“I never did until Tosh,” Cole added suddenly, “When I was with Justin that’s
all there was, was him. There wasn’t ever anyone else, no boys no girls, no
one. Even with Tosh it’s not the same as it was with him.”

“I miss him too Cole,” Hunter said squeezing Cole’s shoulder in support, “Where
ever he is though I know he’s happy you’re happy again.”

“Thanks,” Cole replied smiling sadly, “See you after school?”

“Yep I’ll be here.” Hunter replied as we opened our doors stepping out and
heading towards the chapel.

“I wish we didn’t have to go,” I sighed.

“Go where chapel?” Pat asked.

“School,” I answered, “I don’t want to deal with them today. Not after…I want
to be able to feel you again.”

“In a while ok?” He said looking at me but not grabbing my hand or touching me
both of us very aware there were too many eyes that could see it. Too many
people that would know if we weren’t careful enough.

“Ok,” I answered nodding my head.

The school day went by fast but slow all at once. Each class feeling like I
couldn’t breathe. Like my brain couldn’t think or understand the words that
were spoken around me. I was tired and worried. Worried that Leo and my Da
would repeat yesterday once they saw Pat and I together again. I didn’t want to
go through that. Have something like that happen where I felt warm and happy
almost relieved to have it taken away again.

When Hunter came by after school to pick us up he looked stressed like
something was wrong but smiled at us a strained expression on his face when he
got there. I didn’t know what was wrong but I remember worrying about it.
Wondering if it was something that was just affecting Hunter or if it was
something all of us would have to deal with.

“Hunter is something wrong?” Cole asked as he climbed into the front seat.

“Huh,” Hunter said glancing at all of us, “I’m not even sure if I should tell
you guys.” He said and I could see he was trying not to cry.

“What happened?” Cole asked again.

“You guys know Christian went off to Yale, right?” He asked us.

“Yeah, of course he bragged about it like all summer,” Pat said, “What does
that have to do with anything. Did something happen to Christian?”

“There was an accident. He’s gone,” Hunter suddenly spit out.

Just like that. Everything had been somewhat ok. I had been wrapped up in my
own world my own pain and just like that Christian was dead. I didn’t know what
to think it just felt so numb knowing he had been there and that he was now
gone. Then it struck me;

“What kind of accident?” I asked.
“Car,” he answered, “Apparently there was drinking involved which doesn’t
surprise me but, he’s gone. I don’t know if there’s going to be a funeral
knowing his Dad.”

“I’m sorry to hear,” Pat said quietly.

“Me too,” Cole said, “He was a good guy.”

“Yeah, he was,” Hunter sighed, “He was a really awesome friend. At least he
doesn’t have to worry about marrying that bitch.”

“Who was he supposed to marry?” Cole asked.

“Tabitha Anderson,” Hunter answered.

“Shit, yeah he dodged a bullet there,” Cole agreed.

“Wait Anderson, Anderson?” I asked feeling cold just hearing the name.

“You know Anderson?” Hunter asked.

“Kind of. I think he’s the one who branded me,” I answered, “I’ve heard him
compared to Hank only worse.”

“Yeah I wouldn’t surprise if he was the one who branded you he likes weird
things. He’s violent.” Hunter answered.

“I know he branded me,” Cole said, “I was eight.”

“You know the part I hate most about remembering that? That fucking dice,”
Hunter said, “My Dad rolled a fucking five.”

“That’s nothing my Dad rolled a nine,” Cole said.

“Guys could we not talk about that,” Pat said.

“Why what was your number?” Hunter asked.

“I don’t even remember. I was high, that’s not why I’m asking though,” Pat
said.

“Why don’t you want to talk about it if you don’t really remember it?” Hunter
questioned.

“Well I can’t feel my leg to start,” Pat sighed rubbing the top of my hand
gently, “And he’s turning a little green so…”

“Oh, sorry,” I said moving my hand.

I hadn’t even realized I was squeezing his leg that hard. It had only been a
three for me but I remembered what they had done. How Tony had shoved his dick
in my mouth so that I couldn’t breathe while Hank had fucked me. Raped me. How
it had hurt burning and tearing.

“You’re ok Rabbit, you’re safe right now,” Pat said slowly unhooking my fingers
from the material of his pants taking my hand in his kissing the back of it and
rubbing it soothingly, “You’re ok.”

“Sorry John,” Hunter said sheepishly, “It’s easy to forget sometimes. That it
bothers people.”

“Unless you’re with Dom,” Cole said, “Dom doesn’t let anyone forget. He’ll tell
you to fucking stop and then if you keep talking about it he’ll go quiet.”

“Yeah John isn’t like that. You know that Cole,” Pat said looking at me.

His eyes told me he was sorry. That he could have spoken up sooner or at least
that’s what he was thinking. His eyes told me he thought he was responsible for
me, for keeping me safe. For making sure I felt safe whenever he could provide
that feeling for me and that he thought he hadn’t done his job. I nodded my
head swallowing.

“It’s ok,” I answered, “I’m fine. Talk about whatever you want.”

“No, I think it’s good to change the topic,” Hunter said, “Did you guys see the
new Bond movie yet? It’s really awesome.”

“Not yet,” Cole answered, “I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to probably not
until it’s out of theaters considering its rated R.”

“What day did it come out?” I asked.

“The 8th,” Hunter answered.

“That was the day before Andy and Laura turned 3,” I said remembering how I had
been so tired the week before that I had slept through their birthday and
birthday celebrations.

I had read them a bedtime story later in the week and told them I was sorry but
they hadn’t seemed upset either way. It wouldn’t be the last time I would miss
a birthday because I was too sick or too tired but the first of many. My energy
felt like it was draining again probably because of the sleeping pills Vic had
me taking but thinking alone made me tired let alone doing anything else.

We pulled up outside of my house before I realized it Cole and Pat climbing out
with me, “Maybe you guys shouldn’t come with me,” I warned before Cole could
shut the car door.

“Of course, we’re coming with you,” Cole said, “Alice and you have both
repeatedly said you need the help. That we’re helpful when it comes to watching
them so we’re coming.”

“I don’t know guys I mean what if…,” Pat cut me off.

“I’ll deal with them alone. You’re not doing that again. Not with me here, hell
I can’t do that again. Walk away like that you know hard that was? How
disgusted I was with them? I wanted to smack the look right off of Leo’s face.”

“What happened?” Cole asked, “Was Leo even here yesterday?”

“Yeah,” pat answered for him, “They, it… you didn’t wonder where we were? Why
he didn’t come back when I did before we left? Why Arthur and my Dad were
taking us home?”

“I just figured his Da had taken him. I didn’t know he had taken you too. I
didn’t know Leo was here. I just thought that Connor called them to come pick
us up I didn’t realize they were here for anything else. What happened?” Cole
asked frowning as we walked up the drive way after Cole shut the car door and
waved good bye to Hunter.

“Stuff,” Pat answered.

“Can you tell me anything else?” Cole asked softly, worriedly.

“They made us have sex,” I answered both Cole and Pat looking at me mouths open
in shock, “What? That’s what they did.”

“No, I know. I just, you don’t usually. You usually have a hard time talking
about things,” Pat answered me.

“Everyone keeps telling me that not talking about it doesn’t help. So, I’m
trying harder to be more open. Did I do something wrong?” I asked confused.

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong Rabbit,” Pat assured me.

“Just surprising is all,” Cole added nodding his head, “What did Leo do that
made you so mad man?”

“It was something he said,” Pat said looking at me to read how I felt about it
which caused my face to flush. Remembering how Leo had said I didn’t belong to
Pat. That he was just allowed to barrow me like I was a toy of some kind.

“What did he say that would make you so angry?” Cole asked frowning to which
Pat shook his head, “Really you can’t tell me?”

“It’s not, something you repeat,” Pat told him and Cole nodded his head.

“So how did you manage to get out of there without beating in everyone’s
faces?” Cole asked Pat.

“Very carefully with a miracle and a good reminder that if I misbehaved I
probably wouldn’t be the only one punished,” Pat said.

“Good thinking John, very good thinking. He wouldn’t ever do anything if he
thought it was going to hurt you in the end,” Cole told me.

“I try,” I shrugged my shoulders, “So let’s go upstairs and give Alice some
help.”

“All right, I call Mario cart and you two can deal with the rug rat gang
because I did it all by myself yesterday until Will got here,” Cole said
walking into the kitchen.

Cole almost started backing up the moment he got inside pushing both Pat and I
backwards before we heard what had scared him so much, “Hi boys, Johnny with
you?” Ben questioned his voice dangerous.

I felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice over my head. I felt like I
could barely breathe. He had been gone for a couple of days but that hadn’t
prepared me for seeing him. That hadn’t made me realize he would be a threat
because lately he had been more into other things then he had been into me.

“Huh, we have homework,” Cole answered his voice uncertain as if he wasn’t sure
what to say. What answer would be the correct one to let us pass by unscathed.

“I do believe my brother and Leo have made it so homework isn’t an occurrence
for Johnny,” Ben answered.

“Hey, you’re all right I’m not going to let him hurt you ok? I swore it to you
in the car and I’m swearing it to you right now not today, ok?” Pat said
grabbing my hand.

I was surprised I could hear him speaking at all, my heart thundering in my
ears as it beat against my chest. I felt like my brain was a broken repeating
not again, not again over and over. I felt broken knowing he was in there,
knowing he wanted me.

“Hey, I’m right here,” Pat told me squeezing my hand tightly for a moment to
jar me back into reality, “I’m right here.”

“Oh, come on, you can play too if you like,” I heard Ben say to Cole who took
another step backwards out the door.

“I’m good. Thank you,” Cole answered quietly.

“Oh, come on, I’ve heard you can play nice,” Ben said and suddenly he appeared
grabbing Cole around the waist as Cole turned his head quickly to the side as
Ben kissed him catching his cheek.

“HEY!” Pat yelled loudly, “That’s my brother! back off!”

“So, what? You want to play instead? See you, I’ve heard you don’t play nice
but I’d be ok with that because I don’t play nice either. I’m sure you’ve
heard,” Ben said a devious smile playing on his lips.

“You want to play with me dipshit?” Pat hissed moving forward pulling his
blazer off angrily, “Let’s fucking play.” He said throwing it on the ground by
my feet as he undid his tie.

“Pat what the hell are you doing?” Cole and I almost managed to utter in
unison.

“I’m doing what I have to,” he answered his tie joining his blazer by my feet
as he pulled off his vest and added it to the pile starting to undo his dress
shirt.

“You might actually be fun,” Ben said letting go of Cole coming towards Pat
grabbing him hard by the back of the head yanking on his hair forcing his head
up ward sticking his tongue down Pat’s throat.

I felt the bile trying to climb up from my stomach as I watched feeling sick.
This was some type of twisted sick joke, right? This wasn’t actually happening,
Patrick wasn’t actually going to sleep with my uncle.

I watched frozen in horror. It was like watching a train wreck the damage all
encompassing, gore and destruction everywhere and yet, I couldn’t look away the
situation capturing and consuming every bit of my attention, making everything
else disappear. Pat’s eyes open wide his hands clawing at the hand in his hair
trying to get it to let go as he started to struggle. I realized he couldn’t
breathe. That Pat was suffocating into my Uncle’s mouth. I started forward but
it felt like everything was happening in slow motion and before I could help
Uncle Ben broke the kiss both of them gasping Pat’s eyes wide in fear and
anger.

Ben laughed manically, “Told you I don’t play nice. Still want to play now?”

“Leave him alone,” I said causing them both to turn and look at me.

“Now see,” Ben said pursing his lips folding his hands together, index fingers
pointing to the sky bringing them to rest against his lips, “That doesn’t sound
very fun. Why don’t both of you come play with me? It might be fairer, two
against one. Call it an advantage I’m giving you.”

“No,” Pat shook his head, “No. I’m not playing that game.”

“Why? Afraid I’ll hurt you?” Ben hissed an epiphany crossing his face as he
looked at me, “Or you’re afraid I’ll hurt him? That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t
want me to hurt Johnny here. Well guess what I’ve probably done more things to
Johnny then your little head can wrap itself around so I wouldn’t worry about
him too much if I were you.”

“He’s still my friend. I can’t let you hurt him,” Pat answered, undoing the
rest of his dress shirt and letting it fall into the pile where his blazer,
vest and tie were already.

“You think showing me a preview is going to stop me?” Ben scoffed, “Please like
I can’t keep my hands to myself?”

Pat pulled his undershirt over his head and added it to the pile his bare pale
chest gleaming in the sun light. My Uncle Ben’s eyes flashed that look as he
licked his lips a smile spreading across his face. I sighed closing my eyes
that look reaching deep into my core even though it wasn’t directed at me. Even
though he was giving it to someone else the whole thing still shattering the
very earth I stood on. He was going to hurt Pat and it was going to be my fault
because I wasn’t strong enough to stop him. Because I wasn’t strong enough to
make him leave us alone.

“Stop,” I barely managed to get out.

“What?” Ben turned to me his eyes changing again the look going from half
turned on to small and cold, dangerous again.

“I said stop,” I said again as he came over to me and grabbed me by the throat
the tightness making it so the air burned to get to my lungs him lifting me off
of my feet.

I grabbed his wrist that was clutched tight around my throat hoping he would
take mercy on me and loosen his grip. Hoping he would let me go before I passed
out. Hoping that maybe I would get lucky somehow and someone anyone would
intervene.

“You don’t tell me that. NOT.EVER.DO.YOU.UNDERSTAND?” He hissed punctuating
each word with a punch to the stomach. My vision started to flash like someone
turning the sun on and off rapidly in front of my eyes before it finally
shuttered everything going black.

When I came to I felt like I had been hit by a train. My throat burned the air
traveling down it as I gasped my way back into consciousness. I shot up my head
spinning as I looked around trying to figure out where I was when I realized I
was in the house in a guest room.

“Woah, you’re ok,” Vic said seeming like he appeared out of nowhere, “You’re ok
just chill. I don’t want to have to give you a shot. You’re hurt and you’re
going to make everything worse.”

“What happened?” I asked my voice raspy and gruff the vibrations of speaking
making my neck and throat feel worse.

“Ok, that’s what I was afraid of. I need you to not speak at all for a day or
two all right?” Vic said giving me a very serious look.

“Wh…” Vic cut me off

“No speaking! I mean it otherwise you may never speak again so don’t even think
of speaking no noise what so ever ok?” He warned me and I nodded my head
slowly, “Hold on just a minute I’ll go get a pad and a pen and you can write
responses all right?”
I nodded in response looking at him confused. What the fuck? What happened? Why
wasn’t I in my bedroom and where on earth was Pat and Cole? Were they ok? Where
was Ben had he hurt them?

He brought me back the notepad and pen he had promised me and then I wrote down
my questions furiously. My eyes wide and angry. I was more confused and worried
then anything. Worried something had happened to my friends even I was starting
to vaguely remember what had happened my throat feeling raw like I had
something stuck in it but I was unable to swallow it down.

“Ok, from what I was told you Uncle Ben stopped you guys on your way here from
school. He apparently was looking to cause trouble because he grinded on Cole
and then shoved his tongue down Patrick’s throat and then you told him to stop.
He had a huge problem with that and apparently lifted you up by choking you and
punched you repeatedly in the stomach and chest and you passed out. I actually
saw a part of that as I was on my way to do your weigh in when that happened.
You lost consciousness but he let go of you at that point. However, I’m pretty
sure he bruised your vocal cords which can become a huge problem if you talk so
you need to rest your voice and throat.” Vic told me.

I underlined the question are they hurt? Over and over pointing at it angrily
with my pen. Why did he think I was worried about what had happened to me?
Sure, I felt like shit but I was fine. I was alive my asshole hadn’t been
obliviated so I thought I was doing pretty good. I was more worried about Pat.

“They are unhurt, they are worried about you. They are waiting for me to call
them and let them know you are ok and I didn’t have to take you to the hospital
because you didn’t wake up. Your Dad was called and he did what he always does
which was rip your uncle a new one and then sent him on a little vacation for a
while,” Vic answered.

I sighed with relief. That was good news. So hopefully I would quit feeling run
over soon. At least that’s what I was thinking until he told me what else was
up.

“Your ribs have been re-bruised all the healing they had done reversed. You
need to watch what you say and whom you say it to before you end up dead all
right? Because right now you aren’t doing very well in that respect at all. So,
you’re on bed rest. You can’t afford the weight loss that will happen while
your throat is healing so I’m going to be putting a feeding tube in and you’re
not going anywhere but probably the bathroom for at least a week. You’re not
talking for at least three days and that’s why you are down here, that way you
will be left alone. I literally want you to do nothing as your doctor and your
friend you understand me?” Vic said a very serious look on his face.

I slapped my head lightly and jerked my shoulders upward shaking my head
vigorously. He didn’t have to worry about me doing anything he had to worry
about everything else. Anything I “did” even though it was my fault I wasn’t
getting a choice in the matter especially if I didn’t have a voice to protest
it.

“Yeah, yeah I know. I’ve talked to your Da and he’s going to call Leo when he
gets a chance all right? I’ve told your Da 0-physical activity. Like I’m dead
serious. The only place you’re going for a while is the can. You’re not going
upstairs, you’re not going downstairs or down the hallway you are stuck in this
bed if I have to tie you to it. That means no sex of any kind,” Vic told me,
“If he doesn’t listen I will have you moved to a different house until he can
keep it in his pants ok?”

“Where?” I wrote on the piece of paper.

“I’ll worry about that if it comes to that,” Vic answered me, “Now you’ll
notice the weight of the tube, I’m going to be spending my “free time” here. I
use the term free time loosely because your Da doesn’t want you in the hospital
overnight. So, I’m staying here and if you need me I have this,” he said
showing me a bell, “You ring that I’ll come running. If you have to you can
push the page on the phone and it’ll call the line on itself and then you ring
the bell but you don’t speak. I don’t even want to hear a grunt ok?”

I nodded my head again rolling my eyes. I think I understood by that point
considering how he kept saying it. My head was tired my whole-body sore I
wasn’t sure what else I was supposed to do other than sleep.

“Ok as long as you understand. I’m sure you feel like total shit so I’m going
to give you some more morphine and then you can sleep it off. I’m sure when you
wake up you’ll probably have a phone call or a visitor. At least you’ll only be
missing like a week or two of school before break,” Vic said grabbing a needle
off the night stand and giving me the shot in the shoulder.

I instantly started to feel light headed my whole body trying to fight the drug
as it started to lull me into a pain free sleep. I wanted to see Pat, I wanted
to know him and Cole were ok. Especially him though. I mean he had been
stripping for god sakes last time I saw him and that was something that in my
life had never ended well for anyone was far as I knew besides that one time in
the pool but, yeah that was the only one glaring exception to a big fat fucking
rule.

I spent the pretty part of a month in that bed hooked to a feeding a tube doing
nothing but watching insane amounts of TV until I felt like my brain was
turning to mush. Mum still hadn’t come home unlike Da had promised she would be
and we were still holding out hope it would be soon. However, it seemed the
more we hoped the less likely it was she was going to coming home.

Pat would come by twice a week and hang out with me. Talk to me about stuff at
school, what was going on and bring me school work so I didn’t fall behind. Leo
would also visit me, talk to me, tell me how much he missed me and bring me
gifts. Including a TiVo (because just what I needed something to store my TV
shows on), A personal CD player, A hand held Gameboy with a bunch of games, A
ring with some weird symbols inscribed on the inside and a gold Rolex as well
as my very first cell phone which didn’t do me any good because none of my
friends actually owned one.

However, he used to call me on it even though I tried to avoid his calls or
make excuses not to take them because of the things he would say to me. One day
after a walk up and down the hall he called me on the phone and I didn’t answer
so he made a visit and stopped by the house as Alice and Debbie a second nanny
my Da had hired gave me dinner. He smiled brightly when he saw me making me
shift uneasily.

“Hi beautiful,” he said looking at me.

“Leo please don’t,” I said shaking my sighing.

“What I can’t call you beautiful? You are, you know? Even more so now that
you’ve gained some weight. Not that you’re fat now or anything but you’re less
sharp, less bone and more ... Well, you look really really good. I can’t wait
to see what you look like under those PJ’s.”

My insides went cold. They had really been leaving me alone besides the odd
comment here or there that they couldn’t wait for me to get better, my ribs to
heal and my strength to return. Most of my soreness was gone and the bruising
had long since faded so it was more just Vic trying to give me some space, some
time and Vic and I both knew that time was now short.

“I…” I exhaled deeply, “I don’t want to.”

“You’re still mine baby you know that,” Leo said, “You’re mine until the
contract is up injured or not. I know Vic says you need your rest but I’m going
to bet that’s not going to last much longer. You’ll be in my bed Friday I
promise. We’ll have fun I’ll make you feel good.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I’ve told you why baby remember?” He said, “Because you’re perfect. You
deserve someone who is going to worship you make your body tingle in all the
right ways. Not someone like Hank who will bite you, mark your flesh. You need
someone who will love you like I love you, like your Da loves you.”

“It’ll hurt though,” I said quietly.

“No, I’d never hurt you. Not on purpose. I’ll go slow. I know it’s been a
little while,” Leo said trying to assure me.

So, there was no way out of it. I had to go back to that. After three weeks of
being able to breathe it was finally up.

“Please, just one more week?” I asked, taking a deep breath and looking him in
the face.

“I miss you,” he answered simply coming to sit on the bed next to me.

I tensed shifting my weight knowing what he was going to do. That he was going
to touch me even if not sexually. I didn’t want the feeling of him on my skin.
I remembered that feeling and it made me sick.

He reached out his hand to touch my cheek and I knew better then to try and
smack his hand away but tried to withdrawal farther, make myself smaller. I
swallowed.

“Shhh, it’s ok,” he said his hand making contact with my cheek something in the
air changing, his eyes flashing that look like touching my cheek wouldn’t be
enough.

“No,” I shook my head trying to pull away trying to get out of the bed as he
grabbed my wrist pulling me towards him, “NO please, please Leo. I’m not ready,
please.”

His face kept coming closer and closer to mine making it hard to breathe,
making it hard to think. I jerked lightly trying to pull away as he started
kissing my cheek his tongue sliding against my skin down to my jaw bone his
body shaking with excitement like he’d been waiting for forever to put his lips
against my skin again.

“Please,” I begged trying not to push him away, trying not do anything that
would make him upset.

He leaned his weight over top of me his hand running gently through my hair the
air getting stuck in my lungs getting harder to move in and out of my body as I
tried to be still, tried to not push him away or scream at him to stop. My
whole body was shaking my lip trembling.

“Shhh, it’s ok. I’m not going to hurt to hurt you. I just want to touch you,”
he cooed running his hand through my hair as he kissed and sucked on my neck,
“It’s ok. What’s wrong baby?”

“You’re scaring me,” I whispered.

“You’re too beautiful to hurt. There’s nothing to be scared of ok? I’m not
going to hurt you. I just want to touch you, ok baby?” He cooed his hand still
running through my hair.

“Please Leo. Please stop,” I begged my skin crawling even the roots of my hair
tingling.

“Don’t cry beautiful. You’re too beautiful to cry,” he muttered pulling the
collar of my shirt down a little bit kissing my sternum, “Shhh don’t
hyperventilate. I’m done, ok? I’m done.”

He moved his weight off me of sitting up but I still felt gross. Dirty. Like I
had let him do something I shouldn’t have. That it was my fault.

“I see we’re really going to have to take it slow,” Leo commented, “That’s ok
though. Slow can be fun. Slow can be really nice actually. Just think of it
like we’re new ok?”

I swallowed and nodded my head not looking at him flexing my fist trying to
keep myself calm. I didn’t want to be new with him. I didn’t want to be new
with anyone. I don’t know why I had allowed my guard to fall when I knew very
well I had to go back to laying with them. To allowing them to be on top of me
making me hate myself. I have no idea why I thought I would be ok having to go
back to that after not having to deal with it for almost a month the longest in
my life I had gone without having someone touch me in a way I didn’t want them
to.

I don’t know where that hope that I wouldn’t have to go back had come from but
Leo had quickly crushed it. Even when Pat had come over he had been gentle and
respectful of me. Not even asking me to cuddle at first because I had been that
weak and tired my uncle having beaten me pretty badly but last week we had
spent time with a movie on, him kissing me, allowing me to lay with him and
relax and I had felt happy like maybe I wouldn’t have to have sex with them
anymore. Like maybe it could just be Pat and I when I was ready to try but that
had been wishful thinking. That had been me lying to myself.

“Are you going to just sit there and stare at me?” I asked Leo realizing he was
still there, still watching me.

“Why? Is that a bad thing?” He asked me.

“I want to be alone,” I answered honestly.

“You’re never alone baby,” he told me, “That’s why you have a phone. So, if you
ever need me I’m right there. Same with your Dad. Do you know when Vic is
clearing you for activity?” Leo asked me.

“No,” I shook my head.

“I’m pretty sure it will be soon. You’re Dad said it would probably be soon.
Are you ready for your mum to come home?” He asked me suddenly.

I glanced at him confused. Was she really coming home? Da had been saying that,
promising that for weeks while I was laid up in bed and she had yet to come
home to us. Thanksgiving was days away and I felt like he was teasing me, lying
to make me believe it was true.

“When is she coming home?” I asked.

“I signed her discharge papers earlier at work. She should be home by this
evening when your Dad gets off work or tomorrow morning. Happy thanksgiving.
Think of it as an early Christmas gift too ok?” Leo told me.

“Thank you,” I answered quietly.

I knew it was true. If he wanted me to think of it as a gift it was something
he had done for me. Something that was real. Leo never lied about presents or
outings. In his mind, he probably never lied at all about anything.

“You’re welcome,” he said touching my knee through the comforter making me jump
lightly in surprise, “You have gotten jumpy. So, no one’s touched you since
you’ve been on rest, have they?”

I shook my head again. I didn’t understand why that was exciting to him, why it
mattered. I still don’t understand the thrill that gives some people being with
someone who hasn’t had sex in a while or who has never had sex at all. It just
baffles me why that’s even slightly exciting. You would think it wouldn’t be
because those people would be worse at meeting their partner half way but some
people really get off on it.

“Nice, you think you’re Da will have a chance before this weekend or do you
think he’ll be too busy with your Mom?” He asked me his eyes staring at me
unblinking, serious.

“Probably too busy,” I answered realizing that’s why he was excited because it
would be like getting me clean and unused for once. Getting to be with him
without having my Da spend the week before messing with me and that was what
was really getting him off. The thought that for once he wouldn’t be second
rate but first.

“Good,” He said nodding his head after reflection, “Just you and me this
weekend no Rich ok? We’ll spend some quality time together. Maybe go to the
movies, to Tony’s what do you think?”

“I don’t know,” I answered reluctantly, “Maybe.”

“Good I’ll see you tomorrow evening if your medically cleared all right?” He
said leaning forward squeezing my hand gentle and kissing my cheek a smile
passing across his face briefly, “Have a goodnight.”

“You too Leo,” I answered.

I sat there for a while just catching my breath. Accepting my fate and trying
to digest the fact that mum was coming home either in a short while or tomorrow
morning before I had to leave. There was a knock on the door that startled me
from my thoughts Pat opening it Vic behind him.

“Hi,” Pat said enthusiastically, “How are you doing today? Guess what?”

“What?” I asked

“No homework and you are officially released from prison! We can hang out this
weekend,” He said his face falling as he looked at me, “What’s wrong? I mean
it’s going to be a secret Vic’s not going to tell them until next week so you
and I could you know spend some normal time together just like being us outside
of this room maybe even upstairs with the kiddos.”

“They already know, don’t they?” Vic asked, “I should have figured. Leo did go
to medical school.”

“I’m supposed to go over there tomorrow evening,” I barely whispered clearing
my throat trying to pull the tears back in, trying to hide my panic.

“Vic?” Pat turned to Vic his eyes worried, hurt.

“There’s nothing I can do if they already know he doesn’t need to be on bedrest
know. If they’re sure he’s going to be cleared I can’t stop them. He’s
contracted still. I’m sorry guys,” Vic sighed, “Let’s get your weight though ok
John? See if that’s still on the upswing.”

“Yeah ok,” I stood up stretching trying to unbind my tense muscles. I hadn’t
been on the feeding tube for about three days and it felt good to not have one
in anymore. I had managed to gain around fifteen pounds putting my weight
around 105 pounds which was about 20 pounds less than where I needed to be but
a whole lot healthier than I had been before I was put on bed rest.

We went into the bathroom and Vic checked my weight backwards and smiled
happily as he peered down at the number. I wasn’t sure if that was good or not
at first because I felt nervous about it now from what Leo had said. That I
looked better that he wanted to see what my body looked like without clothes.
That seeing me fuller, my face less gaunt had made him excited.

“Did I gain?” I asked quietly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Vic told me nodding his head, “you’re ok.”

“I can’t gain anymore,” I said.

“You have to Rabbit,” Pat said, “You’re going to get worse again if you don’t.
You have to keep gaining I know it probably feels weird but it’s going to get
harder again really soon.”

“You don’t get it. I can’t gain anymore,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t they
like it. I can’t do it. I can’t because then they won’t…”

“No,” Pat came up to me hugging my tightly, “No don’t listen to them ok? Listen
to your body your body wants you to gain weight. Your body feels better than it
did, doesn’t it? You feel more awake like you can do more things? Listen to
that. Don’t listen to them.”

“He’s right,” Vic told me, “They just say that stuff to make you feel bad.
Don’t listen to anything they have to say about you. Your health is way more
important then what they want.”

“No, you don’t get it, they want me to gain weight. They want to be able…I
can’t.” I said shaking my head.

“You’re shaking,” Pat said rubbing my head, “You need to be healthy ok? Don’t
worry about them. Please do it for me if you can’t do it for you. Do it for
Will and the babies and Catty and James. Please.”

I sighed grabbing him my fingers tracing up and down his lower back under his
t-shirt. I wanted to do it for him. To be healthy for him, better for him but I
wasn’t sure I could. I didn’t want to make an empty promise, “I’ll try,” I
answered.

“I’ll accept that,” Pat nodded pulling his forehead to mine while Vic averted
his eyes.

That was something that Vic often did if Pat and I were together. Tried to
avert his eyes because his warnings when we were in private didn’t do him any
good. He knew we were going to touch each other like that, kiss each other. He
didn’t know if we were having sex and he wouldn’t ask being who he was. But we
still hadn’t of our own accord even though it seemed that it was something we
talked about a lot.

“Ok, So I have to tell your Da that you’re free. But I think he just left to go
somewhere.”

“Really?” I asked curious, “Do you think he’s going to go get mum?”

“I have no idea, you’d have to ask Leo that,” Vic answered me.

“He told me he signed the papers to let her go that she could come home this
evening if Da went to go pick her up and bring her home. She’s been gone for
almost three months you know? I don’t think the babies even remember her.” I
said.

“Maybe, maybe not,” he told me.

“Well three months is a long time when you are only a year old,” I replied.

“Very true,” Pat said, “You would think if she’s just coming home they would
give you this weekend with her. Maybe you could ask for it?”

I shook my head, “They won’t let me. I already know they won’t. There isn’t any
use in asking. Hell, for all I know the only reason he let her out was so that
I would owe him. That’s probably why she’s out.”

“Come on let’s sit down, I don’t like the fact that you’re shaking,” Pat said
quietly rubbing my shoulders, “It’s not fair they can do this to you.”

“Is it wrong I’m just scared because I’m afraid it’s going to hurt?” I asked
quietly.

“It shouldn’t. As long as you can stay calm it shouldn’t hurt,” Vic answered
quietly, “Not physically.”

“Why don’t they understand I don’t want to?” I asked him.

“Because some people; their brains are wired different and they only see what
they want to see. They believe what they are doing is what’s best for you no
matter how much you tell them otherwise. No matter how much the evidence points
to the contrary,” Vic answered, “And then others just don’t care. They want
what they want and that’s all that matters. I can’t tell you who is what but I
can tell you that there’s both within the brotherhood.”

“Vic could we not talk about this right now? I think he needs calm and this
isn’t a calm,” Pat said quietly.

“He asked a question and I as a doctor answered it for him,” Vic said simply,
“I agree though. I think that a change in topic is in order.”

“Good. So, I read chamber of secrets and I think Lucius is a pervert. Did you
read Lord of the rings the fellowship?” Pat asked me smiling making me laugh.

We had agreed that in our free time we would read each other’s series and see
what we thought. I was still working my way through the fellowship of the rings
and gawked at Pat surprised he had finished that quickly. Even though the
reading level of the Fellowship of the rings is a little more advance than
Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets but we had only exchanged on Friday and
Pat did have other stuff he was doing to take up his time.

“I’m still working on it. You’re going to hate me but Frodo and Bilbo just
moved out of Bag end and is headed toward Rivendell being chased by a black
rider,” I answered.

“That’s a ring wrath,” Pat answered and then laughed smiling at me, “Sorry. I
love those books even though Harry Potter isn’t bad but what is this
parletongue thing he’s got going on?”

“So, you haven’t finished it?” I asked.

“No, I’m about half way through,” Pat admitted.

“Oh, thank goodness. You were making me feel like a loser. I thought you had
finished it already,” I said.

“Pfft you a loser? Please Rabbit you’re awesome,” Pat said putting his arm
around my shoulder as we settled down in bed.

“Read some classics like call of the wild,” Vic muttered.

“Hey Lord of the rings is a classic,” Pat scoffed.

“That is not a classic. I mean, it’s good but it’s not a classic. It’s a
children’s book surely you have a higher reading level than that,” Vic said.

“I do but I’m reading for fun not to boil my brain,” Pat said.

“Most wizards can’t talk to snakes like Harry can. They haven’t relieved why he
can and most others can’t but yeah,” I answered.

“Hmmm future books?” Pat asked.

“Yeah, I’m sure they just haven’t come out yet,” I answered.

“Why do you think Lucius is a perv?” I asked curious.

“Just like he seems too into his son. I don’t know in real life every guy I
know like that is in the brotherhood so it seems kind of obvious.”

“I don’t think he’s a pervert. I think he’s just kind of a bad guy,” I
answered.

“Bad guys can be perverts,” Pat countered.

“Not all bad guys are perverts. Some are just fucking bad babe,” I said.

“And some are just bad at fucking. I don’t know Maybe,” he admitted, “I think
maybe our lives are so screwed up I just automatically assume that every bad
guy has a bit of hidden perv even if he’s not feeling up little boys.”

“Little boys like you?” I asked.

“Shut up. I’m not little anymore,” Pat said trying to hide a chuckle.

Vic cringed, “Yeah I’m going to head out now. I’d rather not watch you two do
this weird flirting thing? Is this how you flirt?”

“Depends on the day,” Pat said, “Sometimes I feel him up a little more
sometimes a little less.”

I started laughing as Vic’s mouth dropped open staring at Pat shaking his head,
“Yeah, all right. I’ll see you later.”

Vic got up and walked away shutting the door behind him. I sighed laying my
head on Pat’s chest. I liked being alone with him more than I liked having Vic
around. I mean Vic was a nice guy but there were certain things he didn’t want
to see and I really didn’t want him to see.

“He’s gone,” Pat said a hint of victory in his voice as he looked at me, “So
now that you are officially in the clear. Can we get a little physically
active?”

He smiled at me moving so that he was on top of me giving me this look that
said he wanted to mess around roll his tongue over top of mine, press me into
the bed. I smiled at him. It sounded nice but I felt nervous knowing what was
going to happen tomorrow. That Leo was going to want to do the same thing. He
must have seen it on my face because he smiled at me sadly moving to sit back
next to me.

“Try not to think about it ok?” He said quietly kissing my cheek in a chaste
manner.

“I’m trying. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think I might be safe for
another week,” I sighed holding his hand kissing the top of it.

“That’s not stupid. It’s not stupid to hope ok? I was hoping too. You heard me
when I came in here. I was hoping to get to go to the beach with you. To spend
time somewhere we could be alone, really alone and maybe I don’t know…” Pat
said.

“You wanted to have sex?” I questioned frowning.

“Not if you didn’t want to, you know that,” Pat said, “Never anything …”

I cut him off, “I don’t want. Yeah, I know. Just it feels like that’s all
anyone wants me for.”

“That isn’t all I want you for,” Pat said, “Hey look at me Rabbit, please?”

I sighed looking him in the eyes and all I saw there was love, warmth, caring,
“I believe you ok? I just… It’s hard going this long without them and then
knowing that I have to now.”

“I know Rabbit, you have no idea how mad it makes me that I can’t protect you,”
Pat said, “How angry it makes me to know that if I even try it will be a
million times worse for you.”

“They aren’t like you,” I said quietly, “they feel cold against my skin. They
make my insides feel like they’re rotting.”

“I know,” Pat said, “You have no idea how hard it is to sit here and talk about
this with you and not be able to do anything about it. I would die for you if
it would stop them but it won’t. You know I keep tabs on stuff upstairs right?
And Will does too?”

“When say mean upstairs you mean with my younger siblings or you mean with the
big L and all of that because either way yeah,” I answered, “What about it?”

“You know,” Pat’s face started to flush, “The huh shit, the video that we…”

“I remember we had sex, they filmed it. Afterwards …well whatever it’s life,
what about it?” I said making myself emotionally numb ready to hear more bad
news.

“My dad has been getting offers of people when my contract is up willing to
contract me. Others that aren’t even in the brotherhood that just want to spend
time with me. I don’t think he’ll do it because my Dad gets off on taunting me
and being an all-around asshole more than anything but Will said your Dad is
getting the same offers and that when someone says something interesting he
forwards the message to Leo. That Leo wants to resign with you. I’m sorry but I
thought it was better if I told you so when it did happen you weren’t
surprised,” Pat told me.

“He will,” I mumbled, “He’ll find someone and he’ll let them.”

“No, he won’t,” Pat said quietly.

“NO! HE will I know he will. When he found out we were skipping school he
invited that guy over and they almost broke my ribs. He did horrible things
Pat. I wanted to die. He hurt. All I could keep thinking was how tired I was.
How badly I just wanted everything to stop. I don’t even remember if Leo
watched or not. I wouldn’t put it past him if he did but then again, he
probably didn’t because he claims that he loves me. Loves me like Da loves me.”

Pat’s frown deepened, “He’s told you that?”

I nodded my head. I hated that they claimed that. That they loved me. At the
time, I wasn’t sure what to think. Sometimes it felt like they did. That they
loved me and it was just their love was twisted and sick. Other times it didn’t
feel that way at all. It felt more like they didn’t love me but they lusted
after me. They wanted my body and they made sure I knew it.

“Hey, he’s not here right now. None of them are here right now it’s just me,
John. I see you retracting don’t do that, you’re here with me. You’re safe ok
Rabbit, you’re safe right now just breathe please, please Rabbit,” Pat cooed
quietly making sure I could see his hands.

“I don’t want them to,” I said before I started crying.

“Oh, sweetie I know. My poor Rabbit, oh geeze,” Pat said.

“I hatethem Ican’t ever make themhappy nothing Idois ever going tomakeanyone
happy. It’s nevergoing tobe enough. Nothing I do isevergoing tobe enough to
makethem leaveeveryone alone to makethem stop not ever,” I whimpered.

“Rabbit, I barely understand you. I know you’re upset. I get it but, you need
to stop talking and just try to breathe for me ok? Come here,” he said holding
his arms open for me. Giving me the choice of whether I wanted the contact or
not.

I threw my arms around his waist throwing my head into his lap and letting
myself cry as he stroked my back through my shirt. I tried to focus on him. On
the fact that he loved me, that he cared about me and didn’t want me to hurt.
That seeing me like this hurt him. Focus on his hands on my back. How they felt
warm and soft like a blanket or warm sunshine. How he was safe and he smelled
of Tobacco and chocolate and things I liked. I don’t know how long he held me
but at some point the lift turned on and I thought it would be going up to the
fourth floor but heard the ding meaning it was opening and Pat put his hands in
my hair.

“It’s ok, I’m right here he’s not going to hurt you,” Pat said quietly leaning
over top of me using his body to shield me as we heard footsteps coming down
the hallway.

The door opened with no knocking my eyes closed. I held my breath expecting to
get into trouble. Expecting him to tear us apart yelling about how this wasn’t
allowed how we couldn’t see each other anymore. Instead I heard a quiet sigh
half sad half relieved and looked up.

“Mum?” I barely managed to ask as Pat let me go.

“Hi love,” Mum said tears in her eyes, “You ok?”

I nodded my head trying to dry my face. I was so happy to see her. So,
relieved. She looked tired big dark circles under her eyes. She seemed thinner
then she had been but she looked like she was at least half aware of what was
going on around her, where she was.

“That’s a bag of blarney if I ever heard it,” she said smiling through her
tears, “Come here love.”

She hugged me holding me tight running her hands through my hair kissing my
cheeks.

“Thank you, Patrick,” she said, “For taking care of him while I was gone. I’m
sure you helped take care of them all, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t really do anything Mrs. McGregor,” Pat said causing me to laugh.

“He’s lying mum,” I said.

“I know love,” she told me, “He’s a good one. What’s going on in here?”

I sighed listening to her heart beat as she rocked me petting my face and hair
gently doing it the way only a mom really can. I tried to relax to let my
anxiety go so I could give her facts because I doubted she knew anything
considering that she’d been away from us since we had gotten back from Montana.
When I was ready pulled away from her a looked at her closely.

“Mum,” I said quietly, “You know when we got off the plane and Da took you
away? When we got here he made me do stuff in front of them.”

“Do what stuff Love?” She asked.

At first, I thought it was a joke. She was joking, right? She wasn’t going to
make me say what he did. That he made me French kiss him in front of my
brothers and sisters. That I had been home maybe all of 20 minutes before he
forced me to lay with him.
“You know,” I said not wanting to say it.

“No, not unless you’re talking about my delusions. Isn’t that what they are
called? They said you shared some of them that’s why you ended up in the
hospital too. Don’t tell me you’re sick again love. I don’t want to have to
send you back to that horrible place,” she told me.

“Mum,” I said.

“Hey, come here. It’s ok Rabbit,” Pat said grabbing my hand pulling me away
from her, “They probably brain washed her. It’ll come back. You just have to
give it time ok? Give her time to realize it’s real and it’s not something she
imagined,” Pat whispered hugging me.

“That means I’m still alone,” I said.

“No, you’re never alone Rabbit. I’m right here and I’m not ever going
anywhere,” Pat said making me smile and nod my head.

“Your right mum,” I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s all right love. I know it’s scary but as long as you take your medication
you’ll get better I promise,” She said smiling brightly, “Goodness I’m so happy
to see you. Your Da told me you were in an accident a while ago and so he put
you down here to rest away from everyone until you recovered. He said you were
well enough to go over to your new friend’s house for the weekend. That it’s
become a weekly thing. I have to say I’m happy you’re making more friends here,
not there is anything wrong with you Patrick. I think you’re a lovely boy just
well, you know how I feel about certain things.”

“I know, I take no offense,” Pat said nodding his head, “Should I leave you two
to go upstairs. I’m sure everyone else can’t wait to see you.”

“Certainly,” Mum answered, “Thank you again for keeping an eye on them, helping
John.”

“No problem, I promise,” Pat said, “Hey, I’ll call you later ok? Call if you
need anything.”

“I will, I…,” I blushed realizing my mum was standing right there that it was
probably something she didn’t need to hear, “I’ll talk to you later.”

We walked Pat out into the hallway and allowed him to take the lift down on his
own waiting for it to come to a stop before heading back up our way when we
pushed the button. When we got upstairs Catty was talking to Mike in the
hallway Mike facing the lift’s direction and his eyes went wide when he saw us.

“MUMMY!” He screamed charging at us like a bat out of hell running to her and
throwing himself at her as she caught him twirling him in her arms.

“Oh, all my babies,” she said laughing happy tears streaming down her face
again as everyone else came pattering down the hallway towards us forming a
massive group hug of little arms and smiling faces all besides one of my
siblings who watched from a little way off leaning against the door frame of
his room.

I walked over to him, “Aren’t you going to say hi?” I asked Will.

“In a moment, give them their second,” he said smiling over at them, “Why
aren’t you in there?”

“She’s not right,” I answered quietly trying not to draw attention to us, “She
thinks everything he did. That everything he does, she thinks she made it all
up in her head. They convinced her it was all fake.”

“Yeah, I know,” he sighed, “I read his emails remember?”

“Why didn’t you tell me that’s what they were doing to her?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. I figured it either wouldn’t work or maybe it was better if she
thought that, at least for a while anyway. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s
going to be easy to keep her from remembering it when she’s here every day when
she’s going to see it. Because you know he’s not as careful as he used to be.
There’s no way he’s going to go back to hiding it. I mean he sleeps in your
fucking bedroom with you. You don’t think that’s going to escape her attention,
do you?”

I shivered thinking about it. How I had to go back to that. The feeling of him
on me that he wouldn’t let me wash off before I feel asleep. Him holding me to
his chest sometimes even falling asleep still inside of me making it so I
couldn’t move, couldn’t even think.

“I’m off restriction,” I said after a minute, “I’m going to Leo’s this weekend.
They already told her. Apparently, she just thinks it’s a friend’s house. A
friend she hasn’t met.”

Will snorted, “Nice cover. Are you going to be ok with that?”

“I have to be I guess,” I answered making sure I kept myself calm even though
the panic was starting to fade, to turn into numbness, “I mean there’s nothing
anyone can do to stop it so I just have to accept it.”

“I’m sorry,” Will sighed, “At least your room will have you in it tonight and
mum’s here so maybe we’ll both be lucky enough to not have to worry about him.”

“What?” I asked.

“Mikey’s been staying in my room to make sure Matt leaves him alone, remember?”
Will said, “What? You thought he’d leave an empty bedroom open with a queen-
sized bed when it gives him a chance to fuck in private and yet still be close
to everyone?”

“I’m sorry Will,” I said, “You shouldn’t have to deal with my mistakes.”

“Your mistake? No, it’s not on you. It’s on uncle Ben if he wouldn’t have
beaten your brains in for whatever it was he thought you did it would have
never happened that way. I blame him and his inability to behave like a decent
human not you.” Will told me.
We stood there in silence for a while longer before I glanced at him. No wonder
he was so reluctant to have physical contact with anyone lately, standing apart
from everyone else. Not really touching anyone even the babies unless he had
to. He was becoming like me. Quieter, more guarded. The only person I really
ever touched or let touch me being Pat.

“Is it every night?” I asked quietly watching Will’s body language watching him
shift uneasily biting is lower lip before he sighed answering the question but
not looking at me.

“Yeah,” he said, “Don’t blame yourself. It’s not on you.”

“You can say that all you like. It’s not going to change the fact that I am,” I
replied.

“I know, just don’t ok?” Will said his gaze finally finding mine as we both
sighed.

“Anyone else?” I asked him.

Meaning was Da hurting anyone else? Uncle Ben had been gone since the incident
and Hank had been keeping his distance as far as I knew but that didn’t mean it
was safe. That any of us were safe.

“I don’t know, I haven’t asked. I’m just kind of tired. Debbie helps a lot but
it is what it is. I think Da hired Debbie mostly for you. Because you were laid
up,” Will answered.

“I figured,” I shot back glancing back over to the pile of babies and children
happily chattering away with mum. They looked so happy to see her so relieved.
It made me feel sick inside to know that she wasn’t in the state of mind to
help us. To try and get us out of here again. That they had her believing none
of it was real.

“If he was going to who do you think would be most at risk?” I asked knowing
Will saw Da interact more with them then I did because my weekends were
occupied elsewhere.

“Cat and Andy,” Will answered simply starting to tap his foot, which was his
tell indicating there was something he wasn’t sharing with me.

I looked down and causally tapped my bare foot against his socked one letting
him know I had noticed. He stopped and looked at me again taking his eyes off
the crowd in front of us. He rolled his eyes.

“Later,” he responded and I nodded my head.

I turned back to the crowd and watched some more Debbie and Alice introducing
themselves to our mum welcoming her home. Letting her know what everyone had
been up to as they started to scatter. All besides the youngest who clung shyly
to Alice’s skirt and Laura and Andy who had wrapped themselves around mum’s
legs as she run her fingers through fiery red locks on one leg and deep brown
on the other smiling down at them as she talked with Debbie and Alice.

After a few minutes mum regained the use of her legs when Debbie convinced Andy
and Laura to leave and play with her in the nursey grabbing Mac as well who had
been sitting quietly on the floor next to Seamus. Mum turned a sad look on her
face sighing before she saw Will and I and smiled brightly again. I wasn’t sure
how well this was going to go remembering what I had felt like when mum had
come home when it was me standing in Will’s place. How angry I had been that
she had left me there. How I had felt like she had let him do those things to
me.

“Hi mum,” Will said quietly.

“I knew I was missing one. How are you Will?” She asked him something in her
eyes changing as she looked at him.

“I’m all right,” he answered not moving away from the wall he was leaning on,
“Everything will be better soon.”

“What’s wrong love?” She asked him to which he glanced at me and shook his
head.

“John?” She asked me, “What’s going on you two? You can tell me anything you
know?”

“It’s fine mum,” I said trying to smile. I didn’t want to worry her.

I felt like telling her that her doctors and nurses and Da had been the ones
lying would be a bad idea when they had her convinced she was insane. That she
had made everything up in her head. I felt like that would make her unstable
enough they might send her back to the hospital. I would rather she was there
with us doing what she could for the wee ones then locked away. Because her
being locked away wasn’t good for them and it wasn’t good for her. She needed
to be home because that’s where she belonged.

“Oh, my brave young men,” she said coming up to us to embrace us.

Will visibly stiffened. Even though I’m pretty sure I did the same. When you
didn’t need the contact, you didn’t want it. When you needed it, you felt weak
and guilty afterward. It still feels that way sometimes even now. Like wanting
someone to hug you is dirty, wanting someone to comfort you is wrong. Like
they’ll do something else, something to hurt you if you’re not careful.

“Oh, my loves,” she said, “Da hasn’t been hugging you enough I’m sure. Probably
feels a bit queer huh?”

Will sighed closing his eyes. I knew he wanted to tell her but, Will was smart.
He has always been smarter than I am and he knew telling her especially in that
moment wouldn’t be a good thing no matter how badly he wanted her to open her
eyes. To realize what they had done to her. What Da was doing to all of us but
he knew that slowly if we didn’t say anything she would easily see it. Because
like he had said there was no way Da could go back to hiding his perversions
from everyone.

Mum put her arms down letting us go, “So what’s been going on since I left?”
She asked.

“Not much, just school,” Will answered quietly.

“What about your Da? Has he been taking care of you?” She asked and I saw
Will’s eyes go wide.

“Uhhh…yeah I guess,” Will said.

“You guess?” Mum laughed a little, “What does that mean?”

“Mum it’s nothing,” I answered for him, “It doesn’t mean anything.”

Mum’s smile fell, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing mum,” Will repeated my words, “Alice is dinner almost ready?” Will
called down the hall cupping his hands around his face to make his voice
louder.

“Don’t yell sugar,” Alice sighed back, “Yes, it’s almost ready. Tomorrow Debbie
and I are going to make a big dinner downstairs to celebrate your mom’s home
coming. Too bad John won’t be there.”

“Yeah, I hate that I have to miss it,” I said closing my eyes and taking a deep
breath trying not to think of where I would be and what I would probably be
doing instead.

“Don’t think about it,” Will said reading my face.

He knew it wasn’t something I wanted. He knew it was something I was terrified
of, that I hated them touching me. Especially Da and Leo and that’s exactly
where I was going to be.

I exhaled deeply and tried to clear my head of the thoughts, push them away and
just breathe even though my chest still felt heavy and all I wanted was Pat.
Pat to wrap his arms around me and tell me that I was ok. That I could do this
and everything would be all right when it was over. That he would be here to
comfort me, to let me cry in peace as he held my arms gently whispering to me
so that I didn’t hurt myself because he would know I wanted to. That I wanted
to really badly. That I wanted to be anywhere else, anyone else in any other
body in the entire world than the one I was trapped in with my skin crawling.
The one that was going to be feeling their fingers still on my skin, the
evidence visible for anyone to see who dared to look.

Dinner was simple that night but happy. Mum telling the babies stories about
people she had met. About a Duke that saw angels and a Lady that could talk to
animals. And despite how scared I was and how much I was worried about Will I
managed to smile. She made it sound like a fairy tale. Where they convinced a
warlock that not everything he couldn’t see was bad, that there was real magic
in the world.

My mum had always been good at making up stories though and it reminded me of
when I had been young. There was a story she would tell me of a prince with
fire for hair and blue robes. How he tried so hard to be good, to please the
king and protect the younger prince. How he would keep the younger prince safe
by hiding him in the magical forest where the fairies were from the evil knight
that the king didn’t realize was evil. How eventually the king figured out the
knight was evil and banished him from the kingdom so that the younger prince
could come back and never had to hide with the fairies again. When I was little
I never put together that the prince was me or that the evil Knight was uncle
Ben but I had loved the story to death.

When dinner was done I went to go pick up Seamus and take him to the nursery
mum grabbing Mary while Alice grabbed Mac and Andy and Laura followed behind. I
helped mum change them and then left her and Alice to tell bedtime stories to
them Catty and James joining them in the nursery which was something they
hardly ever did.

When I left them, I felt relieved. Happy she was home even though I was worried
about how that would affect her and us. Especially if whatever Da and Leo had
done to her brain caused her to be unstable. I stopped when I noticed my
bedroom door was slightly ajar because I usually kept it closed and I hadn’t
been in my room for three weeks. I sighed nudging the door open with my toe to
see Da sitting on my bed.

“Hey,” he said smiling at me.

“Hi, da,” I said quietly feeling like a brick was stuck in my throat. All I
could think was please god not right now.

“Come here. We need to talk about some stuff ok?” He said patting the bed
beside him.

I nodded my head and shut the door behind me but didn’t dare to step any closer
to him. Not wanting to be within arm’s reach of him so he could grab me. My
hands shaking as I sat down against the wall.

“Come here. I don’t bite hard,” he said laughing lightly at his own joke. A
joke I hadn’t found funny.

“Can I stay here please?” I asked afraid it would make him angry.

“Very well. I’m sure you’ve talked to mum. She needs to transition back to
living at home and being with everyone so there are certain things that you
should keep to yourself so that we don’t upset her and undo all of the progress
she has made,” Da told me.

“You mean don’t tell her about what you do to me?” I asked him.

“You mean our relationship? Yes, or mine and your brothers all right?” He said.

“And Leo?” I asked.

“Don’t mention Leo at all if she asks what friend you’re going to tell her
you’re going to Rich’s. Don’t bring up that he’s related to Leo. Leo is her
doctor. She knows him well and while we’ve tried to convince her Leo is not
nefarious she seems to have a lapse sometimes so if you could please just not
say his name around her it would probably really help make sure she keeps her
stability all right?” Da answered.

I nodded my head. So, he was going to try to hide it from her. Not just not
talk about it but actually hide it from her. I wasn’t sure how well that would
work considering he had been spending his night in a bed that wasn’t his even
though my bed didn’t really feel like mine anymore either.

“You have a question baby?” He asked me shifting his weight forward resting his
elbows on his knees leaning closer to me and even though there was more than
ten feet between us I instinctively pulled back.

“Not really,” I answered.

“What’s the frown for then?” He asked me.

“Well, I’m off restrictions now and mum’s home. So, I was just wondering are
you going to sleep in your own room tonight with her or if you were…” I took a
deep breath trying to keep myself from visibly shaking, “If you were going to
be up here with me.”
“With her. She’s my wife after all and she just got home. I need her to feel
comfortable, loved and wanted so I’m going to be spending at least the first
part of every night with her for a while. For as long as it takes her to feel
secure and stable,” he answered, “Don’t think I’ll forget about you. It’s very
different you know? Being with a woman compared to being with you. You’re
special. You feel better.”

“why?” I asked surprising myself, “Why do you think that?”

“Because it’s true,” he answered standing up and lowering himself to the floor
on his knees. I felt my eyes go wide and he laughed a little bit, “One day
you’ll understand. It feels different.”

He crawled towards me as I pulled my knees up into my chest closing my eyes
hoping against my better judgement that he would leave me alone. I felt his
hand on my knee as he pulled himself up so he was still on his knees but
towering over me his hands on the wall above my head.

“Baby?” He said and I opened my eyes to find myself starting at his shirt until
I titled my head up to look at his face, “You know I’ve missed you right?”

I bit my lip trying to keep myself calm. He wasn’t going to do this right now,
right? He wasn’t going to make me do stuff right now. Not when mum just got
home. Not when I had just recovered, not with everything going on. It was too
much. Dealing with right now and then Leo tomorrow evening or afternoon or
whenever he came to get me, it was too much.

“You seem nervous, are you ok?” He asked me grabbing my chin tilting my face
upward so he could look directly into my eyes.

“Da please,” I said grabbing his thumb gently as it softly pressed into my
lower jaw. I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want any of them to. I had felt
almost comfortable with my body for a couple of weeks other than the physical
pain and here I was getting ready to have that familiarity taken from me again.
Knowing that he was going to force me to endure his touch, his hands-on parts
of my body where they shouldn’t be. Where no adult should touch a child let
alone a father touch his kid.

“Why are you so nervous baby?” He asked me, “Answer.”

“I just…” I huffed quietly, “I just, my body it felt almost… I don’t know. It
was almost like being away at boarding school. Not having to worry about how
weird I feel all the time. How my skin feels funny.”

“Oh baby,” Da said smiling at me, “You’re just feeling how much I love you.
That’s all it is. I know it might be a little over powering sometimes, a little
uncomfortable but imagine how lucky you are that we have that. That I love you
that much you can feel me all the time. After your mum gets settled in I’m
going to try and make sure I have a night with you once a week. We’ll work at
it so you can still feel me even inside once we’re done ok?”

I swallowed and nodded my head. What exactly was I supposed to say to that? He
wanted my skin crawling? He wanted me to dream about hurting myself? Because
that’s what feeling them on my skin made me want so desperately. It made me
want to not have a body at all because I couldn’t stand the feeling of anything
else against my body.

“Good,” he said standing up, “I love you. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I love you too,” I answered numbly staring straight ahead of me trying
to stare through his knees and not at them.

I stayed in my room for a while. Stayed in that spot hoping that if I didn’t
move it meant it wasn’t real. That I wasn’t going back to this. That I wasn’t
going to just lay down and let them do stuff like that to me anymore. However,
I knew I would. I would because I had to. Because it kept other people from
getting hurt, because I didn’t have a choice. And, I feared maybe secretly
because I wanted them to.

When I felt like he was probably gone, that he was probably downstairs and I
knew Alice and Debbie had gone home for the night I went out into the hall and
into the kitchen picking up the phone and dialing Pat’s number.

“Hello,” Pat answered quickly.

“Hi,” I said quietly.

“Are you ok?” He asked me.

“Yeah, I just I’m so scared. Like I feel like I can’t breathe and I feel like
everything is going to go so wrong again. I don’t want things to be wrong
again. I don’t want to go to Leo’s house. I don’t want him to do that stuff. I
don’t…I can’t explain it but I’m really really scared Pat. I’m really really
scared and I don’t know how to calm down and I know there isn’t anything I can
do to make it not happen,” I mumbled softly.

“I know. When you leave home just try and clear your head ok? Build a castle
maybe build your own Hogwarts? Go on an adventure with Harry Potter?” Pat
suggested, “Try to be somewhere else.”

“I haven’t done that since I was a kid it’s harder to now,” I admitted quietly.

“I know,” Pat said, “I realize that but I think you can do it. That you’ll be
ok if you can do it, just go away in your head. And when you get to school on
Monday I’ll be right there ok? We just have to get through to Wednesday and
then it’s thanksgiving. And after that we have another week and then we’re on
break until the 3rd. When we go back to school you’ll be 14 and March 3rd I’ll
be 15. Who knows? Maybe suddenly you’ll become all beefy and muscled and
they’ll stop.”

“I doubt it,” I said but just the thought made me smile.

“We can always hope, and then it’ll just be you and me,” he said.

“Sure,” I said blushing slightly.

“We’ll be ok. You can do this and I’m always going to be right here no matter
what,” Pat assured me and I found myself nodding my head even though he
couldn’t see me.

“Ok, I have to go. I think,” I said quietly.

“Rabbit?” Pat said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” he said barely above a whisper.

I sighed with relief feeling myself somehow magically relax as the words left
his mouth. Almost like he was breathing life into me, “I love you too.” I
answered back my voice around the same volume as his.

“I’ll see you Monday ok?” He prompted.

“Of course, bye,” I said hanging up the phone and allowing myself to lean
against the counter and breathe my head in my hands as I tried to keep myself
from shaking, keep the bad feelings from chasing the calmness he had given away
again.

I heard foot steps behind me but they were light. It was one of my siblings.
Not that I felt much like talking but I was ready for it. I sighed turning
around to find Will watching me cautiously.

“You want to watch something on TV?” He asked me.

“The only thing that’s really going to be on is friends or we can watch
Nickelodeon,” I answered.

“True,” he said, “I was just thinking you might want the TV. If you don’t
that’s fine I can turn it off sit up and read until it’s time for bed.”

“I think I’m going to do the same. Apparently, I have some catching up to do
considering I’m only on like chapter 3,” I answered.

“Ok, goodnight,” Will told me.

“Yeah night,” I replied walking back down the hall and going to my room.

I ended up reading until mum popped her head in about an hour later around 9pm
telling me it was time for bed. I allowed her to tuck me in and wish me
goodnight before she headed downstairs. Getting up after she had gone and
taking my sleeping pill and antianxiety pill I was supposed to take every night
which put me into a dreamless sleep.
***** 36 *****
Chapter Summary
     John ends up back in Leo's clutches. Leo who can't control himself
     making John feel unsure and unsafe once again. Desperate lonely and
     afraid causing Pat to worry about his mental health once again
     because John seems on the edge to the point where he might break.
     Leaving Pat to comfort him.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 728 to 754. Now a lot of what John says seems very disorganized
     and it might be hard to follow what he's talking about however I feel
     like it fits his mental state in this chapter and helps communicate
     why Pat's so worried about him. When people are on the edge of a
     break down sometimes this thing happens called disorganized speech
     which is where someone can be talking about one thing and then forget
     what exactly they were talking about and switch topics in the middle
     of speaking, make up and say words that don't make sense and repeat
     words and phrases over and over again. This is some of what John is
     exhibiting which usually means someone is on the edge of a break
     down. If you'll notice it will seem like he's talking about his Da
     and then in the middle of the sentence he might switch and be talking
     about Leo so just keep that in mind if it gets confusing. Some good
     things happen in this chapter though so be aware of that. Pat does
     get him to calm down eventually Warnings: Rape/non-con, anxiety,
     mental health issues, talk of abuse, delinquent behavior, consensual
     underage sex, consensual touching, consensual kissing, consensual
     oral sex, consensual anal fingering There is a slang term in here
     that I've heard used in a certain setting Cato/Cati it means
     catatonic which is where you just shut down and don't move or speak.
When I woke up I still felt groggy. Something didn’t seem right. I wasn’t sure
what it was but something was off and when I opened my bedroom door I found the
house mostly empty, no one up and moving around. No note, nothing. I had no
idea what was going on and I felt like maybe I was going crazy, my heart
pounding in my chest as the lift turned on coming up to the floor. I held my
breath hoping it wasn’t Da. Hoping that he wasn’t coming to give me to Leo, to
tell me I had to leave early and go with him but somehow, I knew that’s what it
was.

It wasn’t just Da that stepped off the elevator but Leo too causing me to
freeze. I felt trapped like a wild dog being cornered by the dog catcher. Where
was everyone else? This wasn’t happening; not right now. It couldn’t happen
right now. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do this.

“Hi,” Leo smiled at me as I hugged myself knowing they were going to hurt me.

“Well are you going to say hi?” Da asked me.

“Hi,” I barely mumbled.

“Are you ready to go?” Leo asked me.

“I’m not dressed. I thought you weren’t coming until later,” I answered.

“Well mum and the kids are at the park we figured it would be easier this way,
less of a scene. Because you know your mum is going to want you to stay to
celebrate,” Da replied, “Come on. You’ll be back Monday after school. It’s not
a big deal.”

“Please can’t I just stay home later this one time Da? I mean mum doesn’t come
home every weekend,” I begged.

“You have stayed home the last three weekends and I have a contract with you.
Don’t you want to spend time with me baby?” Leo said coming closer to me.

I wanted to back away but I knew they wouldn’t be happy if I did. That fighting
them or pushing them away or seeming like I wasn’t going to listen would
probably be a bad thing because they hadn’t been able to get a hold of me for
three weeks but, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to go back to this.

“Should I go get dressed?” I asked quietly.

“No,” Leo said, “You don’t have to worry about clothes this weekend ok?”

I looked at my Da my eyes wide shaking my head, “Da please. Please just let me
stay a little bit longer.”

“Leo wants you to go with him baby. It’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it ok? Mum
will be here when you get back baby.” Da said, “Now don’t worry about clothes,
all right? Just go, you’ll be all right. You know Leo.”

I swallowed and nodded my head not sure what else I could do. This felt like I
was going to the Villa. Like he was going to take me there to be strapped down
and tortured. I tried to make my face blank, make sure they couldn’t see the
storm that was rolling around inside my head. I felt nervous and I knew they
were aware of it but it seemed like they didn’t care at all.

We stepped into the elevator neither one of them touching me. Da and Leo both
silent until we got into the kitchen then Da whispered something to Leo and
patted him on the shoulder and he smiled and nodded his head in return before
Leo grabbed me by the shoulders steering me out the door as Da held it open and
leading me to SUV. That damn black SUV that always made me feel like he was
going to murder me and bury my body out in the wetlands leaving it for the
alligators and pythons to pick bare.
Once we were settled in the car and I had my seat beat done up Leo started
driving. The first light we got to he glanced over at me smiling lightly,
“Don’t look so afraid baby. I’m not going to hurt you, I promise. I just
changed my mind about the movie is all.”

“I—I ju-just,” I swallowed trying again, trying to steady my voice, “I’m just
afraid it’s going to hurt.”

“No, I won’t hurt. I’ll go nice and slow ok? You just need to tell me how it
feels so I can make sure I don’t accidentally hurt you is all, because I really
don’t ever want to hurt you. I love you. You’re important to me and I want it
to feel good for you too,” Leo said to me.

I opened my mouth to say something and then closed it again. The words getting
lost somewhere between my brain and my mouth. I sighed and tried again, “What
if I don’t want to?” I asked.

“You know I enjoy when you make noise. You can say whatever you want as long as
you don’t fight back ok?” He said to me.

I nodded my head. If he wasn’t going to object to it I was going to scream my
head off. Even if he wouldn’t listen I was going to scream because I really
didn’t want him on my skin. Didn’t want his hands and mouth against me making
me feel sick to my stomach. The rest of the ride was silent.

Usually he asked me questions about things on the ride to his house but this
time he had been quiet. It had me even more on edge wondering what he was going
to do to me. He had said I wouldn’t be needing clothes which made me remember
when we had first come to America, how my Da had kept me naked in his room for
three months straight. How he had made me have sex with him every time he
wanted me to. The thought that my weekend was going to be like that made me
want to start crying and begging him not to right there. But, instead I closed
my eyes and took a deep breath as he pulled into the garage, the massive door
sliding closed behind us before we both got out and started up the stairs into
the condo.

Once we got up the stairs he held out his hand expectantly and I already knew
what he was doing it for. The same reason he did it every weekend. He wanted me
to strip. Wanted my clothes off.

“Don’t look so scared beautiful ok? I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to
see you.” Leo tried to coax me out of my clothes.

“Please?” I asked uncertainly not sure I wanted to part with my shirt, not
after the comment he had made about how he couldn’t wait to see what I looked
like under my clothes now that I had gained some weight and looked a little
healthier.

“You know better. You can say no but you have to do what I tell you.” He said
brushing his hand down my cheek his thumb nudging gently against my bottom lip
making him inhale sharply in excitement.

The look in his eyes told me I wouldn’t last long. That once my clothes were
off he had no plans to just look. I felt light headed grabbing the hem of my
shirt but not moving to pull it up as I tried to prepare myself to be attacked.

“Hey just take a deep breath. Nice, slow deep breaths,” Leo said, “Here I’ll
take off my clothes too ok?”

He pulled his t-shirt over his head revealing his bare torso which I didn’t
often look at. No matter how often I had seen him naked I didn’t like looking
at him. I didn’t like looking at any of them when they were with me.

If I shut my eyes it was easier to deal with. Easier not to have to see the
looks on their faces even if I couldn’t shut out the way they were making me
feel. I don’t remember looking at their bodies very often, just glancing at
them making me feel dirty. Making me wish I had clothes on regardless of what
they were doing to me because usually it meant if I could see them they could
see me.

He undid his belt and jeans stepping out of them leaving them on the floor as
he kicked his shoes off sighing impatiently. I still hadn’t moved my hands. I
was still fingering the hem of my own t-shirt nervously. I really didn’t want
to take off my clothes. The thought terrifying me knowing I had been here maybe
five minutes and he was probably going to be violating me before we even made
it into the living room let alone the bedroom.

“You’re so tense. Just relax,” he said grabbing my shirt and lifting it up for
me pulling it forward and down my front letting it fall to the floor by his
feet, “Yeah,” he breathed smiling happily nodding his head as he grabbed my
waist squeezing my hips as he pushed me into the wall roughly his hands
grabbing and pinching at my skin.

“No,” I barely moaned trying my hardest not to push him away, feeling my face
flush as he pushed me into the wall. He buried his face in my neck nipping and
licking at the sensitive skin there, “No, please, please,” I begged my face
feeling like it was on fire as his hands moved to be in-between us undoing the
draw string on my PJ pants easily. Causing them to slip down my legs to the
floor as he started massaging me through my underwear.

“No, Leo please,” I begged again. My whole body shaking as it got harder to
breath, his kissing and biting getting more aggressive as he grabbed me by the
arms leading me away from the wall where I was leaning and walking me backwards
towards the couch.

“It’s ok,” he told me as he forced me to lay down on the couch, “I’m just going
to make you feel good ok?”

“No, Leo. I don’t want to,” I begged shaking my head, closing my eyes tightly
because I knew he wouldn’t listen. I knew that I had to as I felt his hands
petting my face and hair.

“It’s ok. God you’re so perfect,” he breathed up against my sternum. His hands
slowly rolling my briefs down my hips exposing my brand. He started to kiss
down my body, biting as I started crying.

“No Leo please, please don’t,” I begged trying to calm myself down. Trying to
stop myself from shaking as he bit my right nipple lightly, sucking on it
playfully. He pinched my left one in-between his fingers causing my eyes to bug
out as my skin started to tingle that cold flaring up under my skin.

“God, I worship you baby. You’re so beautiful, so perfect,” he breathed into my
nipple as his kisses continued to trail down my body. I gripped the arm of the
couch that was under my head wishing I could stop the tears from running down
my face even though I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

It seemed like the more I cried the more praises he whispered. The more excited
he got, cooing to me, telling me how good I was being. His hands moved down my
sides, his tongue finding its way into my belly button. He nipped, playing with
the skin there as well as the skin around my brand.

“Yeah?” He asked as I whimpered when he started kissing above my base. It was
bad enough his hands and mouth had to be everywhere else. I didn’t want it
there too. I didn’t want his hands to go there.

“Leo please. Please don’t. Don’t do that. Please god, please don’t. Please,
please, I’ll do anything else but that. Please not that, please,” I begged
before I could stop myself. My words barely understandable.

“Shhh, it’s ok baby. It’s ok, I’m going to make you feel really good. I
promise, I’m not going to hurt you,” he said coming up to me, bringing his face
level with mine. He finally slid my briefs down my legs throwing them to the
floor getting on his knees in front of me. He sighed as I sprang loose from the
restriction, “My knees are going to be killing me later but I can’t help it.
You’re too perfect. This is why I don’t have shower sex though. I blew out my
knee playing football in college tore my ACL. So, a lot of kneeling and being
on my knees doesn’t feel that great. But for this view, this…” he licked my
pelvic bone making me flinch, “taste I’ll do it. I’d do it anytime you asked me
to. I love you so much baby.”

“Then why won’t yo….,” I froze mid-word the coldness creeping up into my
hairline as he took my cock in his hands and started rubbing.

“That’s how I get you to go quiet, huh?” He asked smiling. That look in his
eyes, “You can still make noise you know? I love the sounds you make, I love
them so much baby. I love you so much. You’re so perfect, so good to me.”

I tried to close my mouth but found even breathing difficult. I was sweating
and shaking, panting. Everything about my body feeling foreign and gross. I was
unable to catch my breath, his hands stroking up and down my length slowly as I
became more and more aroused.

“And that,” he said cupping my balls playing with them in his hands, “Is how I
know you want me too baby. How hard you are right now, the look in your eyes
like a deer caught in head lights. So, beautiful.” I felt his lips slide around
me making me moan loudly out of shock because of the sudden feeling of wetness.
An electric current sparking from my groin through the rest of my body.

He played with me, his fingers sliding in and out of me as he opened his throat
to take all of me into his mouth. He sucked until I climaxed. My body over
stimulated. Eventually he stopped wiping his mouth off with the back of his
hand after swallowing loudly. He climbed on top of me, reaching for something
on the table behind the couch which turned out to be Vaseline.

“No,” I shook my head, “No, no no,” I said trying to push him off of me already
having dealt with too much.

He grabbed my arms pinning them above my head, squeezing my wrist. His body
weight fully laying into me pressing me into the couch tightly, “I’m going to
forgive you for that because it’s been a while and I was kind of over excited
there a little bit. But now it’s my turn to feel good and you feel beyond
amazing inside, baby. Don’t push me away. You know better. You do and I will
break both your fucking arms. You understand me?” He said making sure I was
looking him in the eyes.

He was deadly serious his eyes promising he would do that and much worse if I
tried that again. I swallowed trying to calm myself down nodding my head as he
let go of my arms. I didn’t want to keep doing this. Especially not here but my
legs felt like jello and I knew he wasn’t going to be patient enough to move to
the bedroom. He generously coated himself in the sticky clear jelly that was so
hard to get off and out of just about anything. I still hate that shit. He
slowly started pushing into me making me whimper loudly again.

“I know baby. I know but, you feel so good. So, tight. You’re perfect, god
you’re so prefect. You taste good. You feel good. Everything about you is
amazing,” he breathed head butting my shoulder, biting and sucking on the skin
there.

Each thrust brought him farther inside of me until he was balls deep. Then he
stopped for a minute before he rolled his hips snapping them backwards pulling
out of me before burying himself deep into me again causing me to moan again as
he hit my prostate surprising me.

He grabbed my hips forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist increasing the
amount of contact, the friction making the whole world feel like it was rocking
back and forth around me. I bit into my lip trying to keep from crying out
again but finding it almost impossible to breathe through my nose, to keep my
mouth closed as I panted.

“Fuck yeah baby, oh god yes,” Leo moaned before forcing his tongue into my open
mouth. Making me kiss him, his one hand still on my hip as he pushed harder
into me.

the sound of skin slapping against skin getting louder as the whole world kept
moving. Kept rocking back and forth each little nudge against my prostate
becoming a long stroke, causing me to come close to climax again. I tried my
hardest not to make any sound and failed. My body eventually contracting and
muscles clamping down around him as I was hit with an orgasm coating our
stomachs with my fluid as he came inside of me. He collasped on top of me
before forcing more kisses on my neck and shoulders, telling me how much he
loved me. How good I felt, how good I tasted and how amazing I was. I just laid
there tried to catch my breath, my eyes half lidded from exhaustion. My body
covered in a thin film of sweat.

“Perfect baby, so perfect,” he breathed against my skin before using the couch
to help himself up. He left me laying there, the leather sticking to my back as
my breathing started to slow. When he came back he had a bottle of water with
him and he offered it to me. I shook my head careful not to push him away.

“Come on baby, it’s ok,” Leo said, “There isn’t anything to be upset about. We
both had a great time.” He sighed when I didn’t respond running a hand through
my hair, “What’s wrong baby? Talk to me.”

“C-c-ca-caan I-I h-h-h-have clothes now?” I barely managed to get out my teeth
almost chattering because my lips were trembling.

“How about I start the bath and you can clean yourself off ok?” He said and I
closed my eyes exhaling deeply nodding my head in response.

While I didn’t want anything from him if he was drawing me a bath his wasn’t
touching me. Wasn’t looking at me my body which was still twitching as
aftershocks rippled under my skin, making me feel gross and dirty. Making me
feel like a whore.

I don’t know what it was but that sour feeling in the back of my throat
happened and I barely managed to make it over to the kitchen sink before I
started throwing up. My knees shaking as I held onto the counter to stay up
right vomiting until I was dry heaving. Until there was nothing in my stomach,
then I turned on the water to flush it down the drain rinsing my mouth out with
the cold water.

When I was done I sat in a chair at the dining table waiting for Leo to come
back out into the living room putting my hands over the back of my neck leaning
my face into the wood of the table. I remember feeling like I was just trying
to hold it together, trying to keep my fingers interlaced behind my neck so I
didn’t start scratching at my skin. So, I didn’t start trying to claw my way
out of my body, away from that feeling of his mouth being on me, of his dick
inside of me as I tried my hardest to keep all of my screams inside my lips
still trembling.

“Ok come on baby,” he said from behind me as I tensed. He laid a hand gently on
my shoulder before he leaned down and kissed it, “Here, let me help.”

He grabbed my elbow helping me support my weight on legs that still felt like
jello and walked me into the bathroom helping me lower myself into the bath
tub. I sighed wrapping my arms around myself not wanting to look at him. Not
wanting to be near him or to feel his eyes on me anymore. To know he was seeing
what we had done. That he was enjoying it, basking in it while I was trying to
will it away.

“Want me to leave for a little while?” He asked me suddenly causing me to look
at him.

“Will you please?” I managed to ask my voice actually steady.

“Yeah,” he said nodding his head, “No problem. Just come out when you’re done,
all right? I love you John. You really are perfect. You know?”

He didn’t wait for me to reply. Not that I had one to give as he turned and
quietly closed the door behind him. When he was gone I bit into my arm to
muffle my scream reminding myself I couldn’t claw. That biting needed to be
enough. That if I did too much I might draw attention to it because it wasn’t
like I could hide it from anyone. Not when I didn’t have clothes to cover
myself up with.

When I knew I wasn’t going to scream anymore I unhooked my jaw from my flesh.
My teeth hurting slightly from the release of pressure. I looked. There were
deep indents in my skin from my teeth and there was going to be a bruise but I
hadn’t drawn blood. I wanted to. I wanted to see the blood run, to turn my bath
a murky pink. To let what we had done out from under my skin but I knew I
couldn’t. That to do it would be a bad idea.

I sighed reaching my now steadier hands out and grabbing the wash cloth
scrubbing my skin until the water was cold and my fingers were wrinkled and
then I finally allowed myself to pull the leaver that would release the water
allowing it free to run along the plumbing down into the sewer. Allowing it the
freedom I felt I’d never have. I sighed grabbing the towel and standing up
drying myself off and going back into the bedroom.

“Ok, well I’m going to go shower and then I’ll be back all right baby?” He
asked me and I nodded my head not daring to look up at him. Not wanting to see
that look in his eyes. Not wanting to know what he was planning after he got
done cleaning himself up.

I curled myself into the fetal position. I could feel my body shaking half from
the cold of being naked and still slightly wet the other half from shame. From
being a whore. I knew I couldn’t cry. If I cried I wouldn’t be able to stop. If
I cried it made it real. He was gone maybe 15 minutes before he came back into
the room turning off the light in the bathroom and the night stand lamp as he
crawled into bed behind me, his hand snaking over my hip as he pressed into me
making me shake harder.

“Shhh, it’s ok baby no more tonight, all right? I just want to hold you,” he
said kissing in-between my shoulder blades pulling his hand back and running it
through my hair as I closed my eyes trying to breathe. Trying to build my
castle so I could be some place safe, someplace away from him even though he
was pressed against my back.

I closed my eyes focusing on building the walls of gray stone, the floors of
white marble. I focused on a grand stair case made of the same marble. The ends
of the railing spiraling upward into points as the stairs sloped outward into
the foyer. A grandfather clock made of deep cherry wood at the center as they
ascended onto another level. I carved out every detail in my mind to the last
rose petal in the garden like I hadn’t focused on since I was a little boy. A
little boy trying to escape his father grinding against his back. At some point
my focus became a dream. A dream where I didn’t feel Leo against me anymore.
Where it was just me inside my castle. It’s walls looming above me, protecting
me and shutting them all out. Making it so I could breathe. With that thought I
rested.

I felt the covers being pulled off of me before I opened my eyes. I wasn’t
ready to wake up yet. I Hadn’t been sleeping very long. My brain hadn’t been
able to settle until it was safe and it’s made up fortress was complete.

I felt his hand on my hip seconds before his mouth went around me and my eyes
snapped open. Somehow, I managed to control myself. To fist the sheets and let
him do what it was he wanted it getting harder to breathe by the second as he
pulled my body closer and closer to orgasm. I bit into my lip but that didn’t
keep me from moaning as my body drove forward, pushing outwards and over the
edge into that feeling that always made me wish I was dead, leaving me gasping
and limp.

He sat up smiling his eyes sparkling as he started licking and kissing up my
body, “Good morning baby,” he said kissing my neck as I turned my head away
from him.

He sighed heavily, “What? I personally think getting a blowie is an awesome way
to start the day. Am I wrong?”

I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to look at him. He hadn’t even
given me the chance to say no. To tell him I didn’t want to. He had just taken
advantage of my body’s early morning state without allowing me even the small
protest that I usually got to make.

“Are you going to speak or just look at me like I’m the ghost of your
grandmother?” Leo asked me.

“My Gran isn’t dead,” I answered.

“He speaks. Good morning baby,” he said again.

“Morning,” I answered.

“I am so tempted to take you out today but, I also feel compelled to keep you
just like you are right now. Naked sleepy and beautiful,” he said kissing my
cheek as he stood up and started rifling through his dresser pulling clothes
out for himself.

“I’d like clothes,” I said reaching to the foot of the bed and grabbing the
covers, pulling them up to my chest and holding them there so that I wasn’t
exposed.

“I’m sure you would, yes. But, honestly, I think you have no idea how beautiful
you are. You shouldn’t want to hide that,” he answered.

“I’m not a girl you know?” I said to him.

I always felt so small when they called me that. Like I was some type of freak
somewhere in-between man and woman and sometimes I swear they thought of me the
same way. The things they said, the things they did and made me do. It was
embarrassing.
“Now, that you are not. You are a very very attractive young man,” he said to
me pulling a t-shirt over his head and coming to sit next to me on the bed,
“Why do you think a young man can’t be beautiful?”

“I don’t know. That’s just what people say to girls,” I answered shrugging my
shoulders.

“Well you are a beautiful boy. When I call you beautiful it’s because there’s
something a little bit more to you that handsome doesn’t quiet describe. That
look of ecstasy in your eyes when your eyelids flutter and your face turns red,
how your lips are slightly open when you’re trying to catch your breath as I
kiss you. Those things make you beautiful. Those things make you something more
than handsome. Even when you become a man I’m pretty sure you’ll still be very
beautiful,” Leo said sitting down next to me causing me to tense and move away
slightly.

“Sorry,” I said as his eyes darkened for a second at my reaction, at me pulling
away. I didn’t do it on purpose and I didn’t want to deal with his anger if it
was something he thought I had done on purpose.

“It’s ok,” he said his hand cupping my cheek making me look at him, “I know
sometimes we react without thinking. I’m not upset. You just have to get used
to me again is all. Get used to the fact I want to look at you, touch you. Make
you feel good.”

My face flushed and I looked away. When he said make you feel good he meant
give you a blow job, suck you off. He didn’t really mean make me feel good,
just make me come. When your body doesn’t listen to you it doesn’t feel good.
It feels the very opposite of anything good. The fact that I couldn’t control
my body bothered me. The fact that anything could get me hard. But they didn’t
care. None of them cared and they constantly used it against me.

Before I could stop him, he was on top me of me his inner thighs squeezing my
hips, applying pressure to keep me in place. He forced his tongue past my lips
giving me no choice but to kiss back, the shivering that always rippled through
my body starting to happen. His hand slid up and down my rib cage, the fingers
of his other hand lacing their way into my hair.

I moaned into his mouth grabbing his forearm lightly, making sure I didn’t try
to push him away or buck him off but letting him know I wasn’t ok with it. That
this was something I didn’t want to do. His hand slid down to my hip making
slow circles against my skin as he broke the kiss allowing me to breathe, his
mouth moving to my neck.

“Please Leo,” I begged my whole body feeling frozen, weak.

“It’s ok baby,” he told me, “I know we just got done but you’re so perfect. So,
beautiful,” He breathed into my collar bone.

“No,” I whined loudly.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to have sex with him. He had just gotten
dressed, I had just woken up. He had just blown me and I was still feeling
tired and shaky and didn’t want him touching me. I wanted a shower and clothes
and somewhere I didn’t have to be near him.

“It’s ok baby,” Leo said reaching down undoing the pants he had just put on
uncovering his very evident hard on.

“Leo please don’t,” I begged.

“It’s ok baby,” he said continuing to kiss my neck, “I know I just got dressed
but then I thought about how prefect you are. The way you feel,” he said
reaching over and grabbing the bottle of lube on the night stand before
smearing it all over himself. Lining up to push into me.

“NO Leo that’s going to hurt. Don’t do it that way! please don’t do it like
that,” I begged him biting back my tears.

“Shhh…just relax and it won’t hurt. I promise I’ll go slow ok? Just relax,” he
said as he started pushing his way into me.

“NO NO NO NO STOP IT! IT HURTS! STOP,” I screamed as he ignored me, muttering
swearing in excitement under his breath.

“There we go,” he said making his way inside, the fullness stealing my breath.
Making me hate myself as he rolled his hips pulling out before his inward
thrusts hit against my prostate. I felt my eyes go wide as I tried to relax. As
I tried to make it not hurt as badly as it did, my body having not been ready
for the intrusion.

“God yes baby you feel so amazing,” he muttered running a hand through my hair
and over my face as I closed my eyes trying to shut him out. Trying to shut out
the way my body was starting to respond with every up thrust against my
prostate.
It didn’t take him that long at all. To finish and pull out him using his hand
to finish me before he got up happily sighing in satisfaction, “See? It didn’t
hurt so bad after I found the right spot. Did it?”

I nodded my head my brain feeling numb, stomach queasy. I hated admitting that.
Admitting that after he found the right spot it hadn’t hurt so bad, hadn’t
burned as much as he pushed into me. I sighed rolling over onto my side curling
into a ball again.
“I’ll go make us something to eat all right? I’ll bring your meds so you can
take them. Just relax. You’re so good baby I can’t help myself. You know that,
right?” He asked looking at me stroking my head again as I tried my best to
stare through him. To slow my breathing down.

He sighed getting up and leaving the room as he pulled the covers over me. At
some point, he brought me eggs and bacon, telling me that I had better eat
before making sure my anti-anxiety medication was set out on the night stand
next to a bottle of water. He mumbled something about needing to do some
paperwork and left to me lay there.

I don’t really remember watching tv but I don’t remember sleeping either, him
coming in at some point a couple hours later and doing the same thing again.
Telling me how good I was. How I was such a good boy because I didn’t fight
back. Making me feel sick. Making me want to fight back but knowing better than
to actually try. Most of my weekend with him was spent that way. Him doing
things about the house that needed to get done while I laid in bed naked
wishing he wouldn’t come back.

I remember thinking of mum at home and how much I wanted to be there with her.
Talk to her, have her talk to me and maybe take my mind off things. Make me
feel better, happier and how much I wanted to be with Pat. How much I just
needed to hear his voice. To hear him tell me it was ok. That I was just doing
what I needed to. That it didn’t mean I wanted it. That there was nothing wrong
with me for not wanting to be hit and strangled and beaten on top of everything
else Leo did to me. That he loved me and I wasn’t a whore or a freak.

That was my whole weekend trapped in his bed underneath him. He set an alarm.
When it went off he would come to see me. Climb on top of me. He kept
whispering those words into my skin how perfect I was, how beautiful I was. How
he wanted to make me feel good. How he wanted to touch every inch of me and he
did.

He did it Over and over and over again. Until I couldn’t think anymore. Until I
couldn’t feel anymore. He didn’t let me do anything but eat, and shower and
sleep for a couple of hours and then wake me up again when the alarm went off,
doing it some more until my whole body felt like it was on fire stringing and
burning with every move.

When Monday came around I was tired. My brain fuzzy Leo having woken me up a
couple different time during the night telling me that he needed to have me
because he would be without me all week. That he loved me and how perfect I
was. Raping me to the point of exhaustion before he actually let me get any
decent sleep and then “taking care” of me before he let me shower and get
dressed for school.

When he dropped me off in front of the school I was numb. My body making me
feel sick making me not want to be alive. I saw Pat and he smiled warmly at me
before reading my expression and he knew. I knew he knew. His face falling as
he looked at me.
“How bad?” He asked quietly.

I tried to speak but I found it hard to breathe let alone get my voice to work.
I could still feel Leo inside me, under my skin and I knew what Finick would
want. That he would want to press against me in the dark and how McClairen
would look at me like he always did. I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t even
deal with the thought of dealing with it and Pat could see it written all over
my face.

“Ok Rabbit, all right,” he said grabbing his back pack and throwing it over his
second shoulder, “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

“I—I,” I swallowed trying to find my voice, “He’ll have someone beat me again.”

“No,” Pat said shaking his head, “No he won’t. You want to know why? We’re
going to go see Vic. If they really wanted you back at school they wouldn’t
have let Leo do this to you, ok?”

“I don’t want to go see Vic. What do you think Vic can do?” I hissed as Pat
took a step towards me and I took a step back.

“Ok,” Pat put his hands up in front of him where I could see them, “Ok let’s go
to the bird house then. Just you and me all right? No Vic.”

“No,” I said, “He’ll let that guy come back again. He’ll hurt me.”

“No, he won’t Rabbit. I swear it to you ok?” Pat said, “He’ll hurt me. He won’t
hurt you.”

“No, that won’t work,” I said starting to panic, “He’ll do it and he’ll show
everyone. He’ll make me show everyone and I can’t again. I can’t do it again.”

“Rabbit do what?” Pat asked his eyes getting darker with worry by the second.

“He showed all of them. I don’t even think they were brotherhood. He made me
and he showed all of them,” I mumbled not sure how to explain what I meant. Not
sure I could say it.

“Ok, come on we’re going to go for a walk before the bell rings. We’re going to
get out of here. Please? You know you can trust me. You’re safe with me all
right?” Pat said.

I sighed nodding my head. He was right. I could trust him. I knew I could trust
him, that he wouldn’t ever hurt me. However, I felt like he was going to take
me to Vic anyway. Vic who I still didn’t’ trust. Vic who I was still weary of.

We walked quickly making sure we were way back in the woods before the bell
rang. I knew I would probably pay for this but I couldn’t deal with them. I
knew if I had to deal with them I would end up going crazy. Once we were far
enough into the woods he stopped in front of me.

He turned around and sighed, “Can you tell me what happened now? What do you
mean he showed all of them?”

“He said there was a web camera hooked to the internet and he made me,” I
started feeling myself shake not wanting to talk about it.

“When was this?” He asked me quietly.

“After the party. After Dick and Chad and Lou and Dobbs,” I answered.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked me.

“Because I’m…I wanted to pretend it didn’t happen but that’s how Allan found
me. He saw me, on the webcam and then he started talking to me. He hurt me. He
beat me. And I don’t want to go anywhere near Vic so don’t take me there. I’d
rather be beat by Allan again then risk…” Pat cut me off.

“What happened with Vic? Rabbit why have you been keeping secrets? What’s going
on? What happened?” Pat asked me.

“He said he had to. I believe him, I just I didn’t want him to do that. And now
every time I looked at him, I think about it. I don’t like being near him ok? I
just, he makes me nervous. I’m trying. I really am trying but it’s hard.
Because I trusted him and then I know he felt like he didn’t have a choice but
I feel like he could have done something different then what he did so I don’t
know. I just, I can’t get past it yet,” I said.

“What did he do?” Pat asked me.

“It’s not important,” I said feeling my face flush.

“Your face and nervous tick are telling me otherwise. Does he know how upset
you are about whatever it was?” He asked me.

“Yeah. We’re working on it I just, I can’t get past the feeling of…I hate it
when they do that. It’s almost as bad as when they blow me,” I stammered.

“He tossed your salad?” Pat asked his eyes wide, “Jesus fucking Christ!”

“I probably would have said that had I been able to speak. I can’t Pat he, Leo
he… he did it a lot. I can still feel him inside of me. I don’t want to be able
to feel him anymore. When I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore he just kept
going. He set an alarm and every time it went off if he wanted to he did. It
was like that all weekend long and so now it just I feel gross ok? I can’t deal
with Finick and Gus today. I just can’t but if I don’t go to school then he’s
going to make sure I have to deal with Allan. And Allan is going to hurt bad,”
I managed to stammer as I allowed Pat to finally hug me, to hold me.

“Allan is not coming near you. Trust me Leo just got you back. He’s not going
to just give that up to punish you. Vic isn’t going to hurt you and he’s not
going to be mad at you ok? Vic is someone I won’t leave you alone with until I
know for sure you are comfortable around him but I think it would be a good
idea for us to go talk to him. He’s on house calls today. His apartment isn’t
too far away all right? It’s early I’m sure he hasn’t even left the house today
ok? Please?” Pat begged me holding me close.

“You won’t leave me alone with him?” I asked quietly.

“No, never ok? Not until you feel ok. I promise,” Pat said kissing my forehead.

“Ok, I’ll go then,” I answered nodding my head, “Why are we going there
though?”

“In case people start poking around because we’re not at school. That way Vic
can say you had a panic attack or something and fled but came straight to him.
That way you won’t get into as much trouble as we would if we just snuck off
ok?” Pat explained.

“Ok,” I answered.

“Can I ask you something?” Pat said looking at me as he let me go and we
started walking again, him holding my hand.

“What?” I asked.

“What do you mean by a lot? Do you know how often the alarm went off?” Pat
questioned.

“Every two hours from like 7am until midnight I didn’t get to his house until
around noon on Friday but if you noticed I wasn’t in mass on Sunday but from
the moment I got there once every two hours,” I answered.

“I’m sorry he did that to you,” Pat said quietly, “Man one day I swear I’ll
kill them. All of them and we’ll get away from here and we’ll never turn back.
I promise.”

“Don’t promise that. You don’t know if that will ever happen,” I said.

“You’re right for all I know I could die tomorrow but I can promise you that if
I do ever get old enough to get away I’ll want to take you with me,” Pat said.

“I know, I’d want to go with you but I have little brothers and sisters that I
wouldn’t leave behind. You know that, not unless I knew they were safe and with
mum. The way she is now and Da being Da I don’t see that ever happening
though,” I answered, “However, I would love to go somewhere with you.”

“I know it’s wishful thinking. I wishfully think about a lot of things,” Pat
said smiling mischievously and I laughed and elbowed him in the ribs lightly.

“You are a dirty, dirty boy,” I replied.

“You can’t tell me you don’t think about it,” he said raising an eyebrow at me,
“We’d be …without the camera in our faces. It could be nice. Just think about
it.”

“With the camera, it wasn’t bad just…they ruined it for me a little bit. You
know that, right?” I asked him.

“Yeah and I wish they hadn’t. I hate thinking that they took that from you,
from us,” Pat said just as we crossed the woods and made it out to a road that
didn’t seem busy. It seemed rather quiet and that had me worried until I
noticed it was the road leading into an apartment complex. One I hadn’t seen
before but obviously was big and fancy.

“Me too. I wanted to enjoy it. It felt really different from them, from the
stuff they do. You felt warm. You always feel so warm. I miss it when I think
about it. About how warm you always feel,” I answered.

“Hey, don’t be sad Rabbit. We’ll get a chance just you and me ok? Just you and
I together and we’ll both feel warm and they won’t ruin it. I promise,” he said
as we came up to an apartment door and Pat knocked.

“Hold on!” I heard Vic shout from inside the apartment before the door opened,
“Aren’t you supposed to be in school Pat? Hey, John. Why are you both here?”

“He said he couldn’t deal today and I wasn’t going to make him. I figured at
least this way you can say he seemed out of it. Like he couldn’t handle it
today,” Pat said.

“Come in,” he said stepping aside letting us into the apartment.

It seemed like everything was done in light blue and black leather. Pictures
hanging on the walls, one of them was a painting of three boys naked bent over
a crab next to a row boat and while the boys were naked it didn’t seem obscene.
It just seemed odd and looking at it made my throat go dry. It was weird to see
that, to see that and know why it was probably on his wall.

“That was a gift from Mr. Lord,” Vic said quietly, “I’m not into boys like
that. You know that. We’ve talked about it.”

He gestured at the painting. I wasn’t sure what exactly to say closing my eyes
trying to calm myself down. He said he didn’t like little boys but I had
trouble believing that because he was in the brotherhood and he didn’t seem
nearly as resistant to doing what he did to me.

“John please. You know I did it because I had to. I can see it in your face you
don’t want to be here but please just focus on why you are here and talk to me.
Obviously Pat thinks you need to be here. I really am sorry I had to do that
and I won’t do it again if I can help it, I promise,” Vic said.

“Vic, I think that whatever happened you and him need to talk about it,” Pat
said, “It’s, he doesn’t trust you.”

“Yeah and he won’t for a little bit. Did you really tell him John?” Vic said
his face starting to blush red.

“Yes, he really told me. Why do you think he wouldn’t?” Pat asked.

“Look Patrick I’m not proud that I had to do that but if I wouldn’t have it
would have gotten around and I wouldn’t be standing here talking to you right
now. I’d be dead. They don’t mess around if they think you are not loyal,” Vic
told Pat.

“I know but him? Really him? Out of everyone you had to do it to him? You know
they don’t leave him alone. You know the type of things they say to him?” Pat
hissed his eyes flashing.

“Pat, would it make you feel better to hit me? And yes, I know they don’t leave
him alone. I have no idea what they say to him but the things they say about
him aren’t things I would care to repeat either,” Vic said, “If you think
punching me will make either of you feel better please do so. I won’t hit you
back. I won’t tell anyone. I’ll let you get it out of your systems.”

“I’m right here you know. I know what they say about me. I’m not stupid. I know
they say I taste good that I’m beautiful, that I feel good inside, that I’m
perfect that they could….”

“Hey Rabbit you’re shaking. Calm down ok,” Pat said looking at me, “Calm down.
You’re safe. It’s me, it’s Pat.”

“He kept going you know? All weekend. He made me keep going over and over and
over and over and over. And I couldn’t anymore. I just wanted him to stop and
he kept telling me how beautiful I am and how prefect I am and how much he
missed me, missed being…it hurt,” I mumbled.

“Did he give you your anxiety…” Vic said before Pat interrupted him.

“THEY ARE DRIVING HIM FUCKING CRAZY! HE CAN’T DO THIS VIC AND YOU KNOW IT! HE’S
GOING TO HURT HIMSELF AGAIN IF THEY DON’T STOP!” Pat shouted.

“When you say keep going what do you mean John?” Vic asked me.

“Every time that alarm went off. He didn’t even wait for me to get there
really. He made me take my clothes off at the door and then he didn’t even get
me into the bedroom. He pushed me down and he made me. I hate the things they
say, the way they feel. I still feel him you know?” I mumbled into my lap
sitting down on Vic’s couch.

“What do you mean John?” Vic asked me.

“Feel,” I swallowed trying to get rid of the lump in my throat, not wanting to
elaborate. Not wanting to talk about how I could still feel him pushing up
inside of me, feel his spunk in me. His lips against my skin and how badly I
wanted it all to just go away, “Feel it. It’s almost like I couldn’t wash it
away, like I always feel dirty right but. It’s like I just can’t get it off of
me.”

“Wait are you saying he didn’t use protection?” Pat asked.

My eyes snapped up my face burning red. That wasn’t normal? I mean I knew they
were all about safe play as the brotherhood liked to call it. But I didn’t know
that it was something they were usually strict about. My Da never used
protection and neither did Leo which was probably why I reacted to them more so
then I did anyone else. Why I hated them the most. Having that dripping down
the back of your legs, that sticky horrible feeling that never came off your
skin mixed with the greasiness of Vaseline was beyond horrible.

“It could in his contract. As long as Leo plays safe with everyone else it’s
not against the by-laws,” Vic answered Pat.

“No,” Pat shook his head raking a hand though his hair, “No. You know how…” Vic
stopped Pat.

“Yes, common practice is for Dad’s to never really care if it’s their son. It’s
happened to all of us at least once I promise,” Vic said his face a little
pasty, “If he’s not though I’m going to start testing you monthly. If I ever
find anything any STI’s that can make your contract null all right John? But
you have to let me run the test once a month. Would you be ok with that?” He
asked me.

“It’s just a blood test, right?” I asked.

“Not a full a work up, no. It involves some pretty invasive things sometimes,”
Vic answered and I sighed.

That meant a swab. While I’d had one swab before Vic had knocked me out for it
and my mum had been there. I couldn’t imagine letting Vic anywhere that close
my ass or other parts ever let alone to stick something in me.

“Last time you got that close your tongue wound up somewhere I really didn’t
want it and I don’t ever want anyone’s tongue to ever be,” I hissed.

“I understand that but if you let me, if there is even a hint that he gave you
something. An infection of some kind, I can get you out of your contract and he
would be on suspension. That means no parties for him. He wouldn’t be touching
anyone. He wouldn’t be a threat to anyone as long as that happened,” Vic
explained.

“Yeah but only if Leo gave him like the clap,” Pat said, “You really want to
invade his space on the off-chance Leo might give him something that he
shouldn’t? That and Honestly, I don’t picture Leo or Connor playing fast and
loose with anything ever. My Da constantly whines because he’s not allowed near
him, hardly ever and you know how sick that is? Knowing that your Dad has a
raging boner for your boyfriend? That he complains because he’s not allowed
to…”

“Boyfriend?” Vic questioned at the same time I looked at Pat closely.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Sure, we had kind of said it before but
not like that and not in front of anyone other than Will and Cole. It felt
weird to hear him call me that especially since I had come back from Montana.
Especially since we had agreed we would try not to get involved even though we
had failed horribly at it.

“It was a slip, sorry,” Pat murmured, “Are you pissed?”

“I’ll pretend it didn’t happen,” Vic said, “However, be very careful about your
slips. Has anyone heard you call him that besides me?”

“No,” Pat said the bridge of his nose and cheeks flushing pink, “I haven’t even
used it in front of him before.”

“Is that true?” Vic asked turning to me.

“Yeah, it’s true. He hasn’t ever called me that before,” I answered honestly.

“Good don’t say it again Pat. Not unless it’s just you and John alone all
right? One slip like that could cost you everything if it’s in front of the
wrong person,” Vic said sharply the stern tone of his voice evident.

“I know Vic. Trust me, it was just a slip because I don’t know, that’s how I
see him I guess? Even though I never say it,” Pat said looking at me.

Just having him look at me made me feel safe, warm. He could always do that.
Make me feel like he was holding me by just looking at me. I sighed finally
starting to feel relaxed for the first time since Thursday when they told me I
was medically clear to go back to school, back to life.

“Good, so you haven’t been near Hank lately? How long do you think it’s been?”
Vic asked me.

“I don’t know. A while, not that it really matters because Leo’s worse, Da’s
worse,” I answered, “I just want it to stop. I felt like I could breathe for
the first time in forever and just like that he took it away. I just hope that
Da doesn’t make me you know… because Mum is home now. However, I doubt he’d be
nice enough to do that.”

“I’m sorry Rabbit,” Pat said hugging me and I leaned into him allowing myself
to relax against his body, to try and let go of some of the tension I had been
carrying around.

“You look really tired John,” Vic sighed, “Ok guys here’s the deal, you can
spend the day here. If anyone asks I’ll say John had a major break down at
school and took off and you followed him. Feel free to eat some of my food.
I’ll leave you 30 for a pizza, don’t leave my house though. When you do leave
please lock up even though I’ll take John home if you wait until 2:30. I will
talk to your Dad ok John? I will tell him that you weren’t ready, that Leo was
a little over zealous and see if I can get him to hold back.”

“A LITTLE?!” Pat scoffed, “A little? You heard what he said, Leo could hardly
wait until the door was closed to rape him and then he raped him every two
fucking hours. You know how many times that is over a weekend? That’s like two
dozen times or more Vic. You know how crazy that would make anyone?”

“Yes, I realize. Do you even know what Leo is like?” Vic asked, “Other then
what I’ve told you?”

“He’s like my Da,” I answered quietly, “He says things horrible things all the
time, like I’ve told you. He tries really hard to make my body… you know.”

“And yet your Da contracted you to him?” Pat asked me, “Why would he do that?”

“Apparently Leo has connections to other chapters. Tokyo, Budapest, some
connections to other groups and John has been getting a lot of attention
because of his videos. Outsiders will pay a lot of money to spend time with
him. There’s a lot of chatter none of you guys hear. There’s a guy in Tokyo
that is trying very hard to get a lot of money together to spend some time with
John.”

“When you say time, what do you mean?” Pat asked.

“I mean something I am trying very hard to prevent ok? Not kill just keep for a
little while. No Leo, no Connor, just John by himself and you know how badly
that ends for some people. I don’t want it and I know you two don’t want it so
please, be careful. You think Leo is bad? This guy is worse. He’ll video tape
every time and share it with whoever he wants. He’ll withhold food. He’ll lock
John in a room in a box where he can’t move or hear or speak and he’ll do
whatever it is he wants until John will be begging for a gun so he can eat it.
He’ll put him in a Chasity belt. You know how long people last after that
happens? Maybe five years on average if they’re lucky. I don’t want to put a
time limit like that on John. John, you’re a good kid. You’re a really really
good person and you don’t deserve that so please trust me when I say that you
need to try and be careful. That Leo is not the worst that can happen,” Vic
warned us.

“When you mean a box, you mean a real box. With the blind fold and the ear
plugs like they did before. I can’t do that again,” I said quietly.

“When did that happen?” Vic asked.

“It was some time ago at a party. He didn’t take it well. He spent over an hour
mumbling don’t touch me to everyone. They’ve never done anything like that to
me. But I don’t know, I almost think they did it because I was there. Cole and
Will were there too and he just… it was like a broken record. For a while I
thought he wouldn’t be ok,” Pat said and I saw his Adams apple bob, “I thought
he was gone and then after a while he grabbed my hand and I knew he would come
back. You have no idea how scary that was Vic. How scary it was to see him like
that.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you just the feeling of…and then not being able to tell
who was who. It made it that much worse. It made me feel it that much more. I
couldn’t even think of anyone touching me ever again. It’s hard to explain,” I
answered.

“No, I know. I get it. I’ve just heard stories of people not coming back from
that. Going catio, just like checking out a never coming back. I might have
hidden it well but I was terrified you wouldn’t be ok. I’m always terrified you
won’t be ok when you get that look on your face. I love you John. I love you
more than I need air sometimes. I can’t imagine living without you. Not ever,”
Pat told me pressing his forehead to mine.

I felt my groin start to ache, to want him. I wanted to feel him. To kiss him
and make him mine. I sighed laying my body into his, his arm still draped
around my shoulder as he looked at me. His eyes warm, sparkling and deep.

“Ok well I’m going to head out and do my rounds, take my calls. Stay here until
school is out please. Don’t open the door unless it’s the pizza man. Feel free
to treat it like home, watch movies whatever. Condoms in the night stand so if
you do which I really hope you don’t, play safe,” Vic said standing up and
leaving.

Pat sat down on the chair across from me the coffee table in-between us staring
at me. It hurt. Having him not touching me hurt reminded me of what I was. That
I was just a whore that he shouldn’t want me. That there was no way he could
want me like that. He sighed after what seemed like forever.

“Are you ok with this?” He asked me.

“Being stuck at Vic’s?” I asked, “Yeah it’s better than worrying about being at
home or with Leo.”

“Do you need a shower? You seem jumpy,” Pat said, “Come on. He won’t mind, you
heard him.”

“Yeah. It would probably get the feeling of him off of my skin,” I answered.

“Good,” Pat nodded smiling taking my hand and leading me to the bathroom.

He started the water adjusting it before he undid my tie letting it fall to the
floor before he kissed me, his tongue running across my bottom lip asking for
permission with his eyes before I sighed deeply inhaling his tongue letting it
roll across my mine tickling the roof of my mouth gently. He felt good and warm
his breath tasting like him. His hands pulling my vest and shirt off over my
head along with my undershirt. One bundle on the floor as his joined it.

Before I knew it were both naked in the water his hands on my back against my
bare skin tracing patterns into my flesh lightly, whispering to me. Telling me
that I was ok. That everything would be all right one day. That one day it
would just be him and me and no one else.

“Are you ok with this?” He asked me suddenly. Me being quiet only nodding my
head in reply.

I wasn’t sure what we were doing really. I knew we shouldn’t. I knew it was
wrong and dangerous but I wanted to feel him, to be with him. I knew he was the
only one that could get the feeling of Leo off my skin. That could get Da and
Leo and everyone else out of my head for a while. I sighed turning around a
hugging him before I spoke.

“Yes, more than ok. I want to be able to feel you. I want him to be gone just
for a little while,” I answered, “Why?”

“I don’t know. I’m just afraid I guess. Afraid you’ll regret this later, hate
me,” he answered.

He soaped up the loofa scrubbing my back before running his hands over my
clavicle and down my stomach me melting into his touch, into the feeling of his
hands spreading warmth under my skin, lighting my nerves on fire like fireworks
going off inside my body. He felt so good his, fingers wandering my skin
brushing against me.

“I could never hate you. Especially not for making me feel clean, feel safe,” I
murmured into his neck leaning against him biting and sucking at the skin
there, tasting him making him giggle.

His hands wandered lower messaging the soap into my skin. He eventually made it
to my groin taking my growing hardness into his hands and stroking lightly. It
felt good my breath catching a little before I grabbed him the same way using
the water to give us moisture. The heat spreading up my body as he slid his
thumb over my slit using my precum to making it easier.

“Shit,” Pat muttered as I busied myself sliding my hand over him feeling the
strong muscle in my hand, the skin feeling soft and smooth like butter making
me want to taste him. To slide my tongue up and down him and make him moan in
pleasure.

“Good or bad?” I asked.

“Mind blowing awesome,” Pat barely managed to murmur before letting out a
breathy moan bucking into my hand excitedly.

“I love you,” I told him picking up my pace but making sure I kept my grip
gentle, as we rinsed off in the water.

“God, I love you too. So much,” he barely managed as a grunt of pleasure
escaped him, “Maybe we should go to the bed?”

“Yeah, if you think you’re ok with it?” I told him.

“With this? Us of course I’m ok with it. Are you kidding me? You know how long
I’ve waited to feel you without some perv watching. All of you?” He asked me.

I don’t remember how we got there but next thing I remember he was pulling me
into the bed on top of him, his hardness pulsating against my thigh as he
rubbed his nose gently against mine before kissing me vigorously.

He felt so good. His hands on my hips, his tongue in my mouth. His legs rubbing
against mine as we laid skin to skin, chest to chest kissing until we both
broke apart to breathe both of us beyond hard. Beyond wanting but more needing
to be with each other. To touch each other, taste each other my body shaking
slightly.

“Are you ok Rabbit?” He asked me cocking his head an expression of worry on his
face as he reached up and ran a hand through my hair.

“Yeah I’m good. Just I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t?” I said quietly.

“Ok, we’ll stop,” Pat assured me, “Nothing you don’t want.”

“No, it’s not that I don’t want to. I do, I just…what if they know? What he
smells you on me?” I asked looking down at him.

“Who your Da?” He asked and I nodded my head.

“We’ll shower again ok? We’ll be careful. If you don’t want to I won’t do
anything to you ok? You can just focus on me if you like,” Pat answered.

“You mean me topping you?” I asked quietly and he smiled nodding his head
rubbing the nape of my neck.

“Yeah,” he answered, “If you want. I mean, I’ve never…at least not like this
before. But I’d be willing to let you. To try it with you because I love you. I
think you’d be good at it. The way you kiss, the way you touch. I know you’d
never do anything to hurt me and I trust you. Like you’ve said yourself it
doesn’t feel like them. It feels warm where they feel cold. Make me warm Rabbit
please?” He said kissing me nipping at my bottom lip again spreading his legs
open wrapping them around my waist our hardness brushing against each other his
eyes heavily lidded with passion, want.

I felt my heart skip a beat. He wanted me. He didn’t just want to have sex with
me, he wanted me. I couldn’t understand why even though I knew I wanted him to.
That I loved feeling his skin on mine. That I wanted to hear him moan my name
and my nickname as I connected with him through flesh and soul. We were young
but it didn’t seem to matter. None of it seemed to matter besides the fact we
were there and he wanted me to be with him, inside of him.

“You ok?” He asked me after my long silence.

“Yes, I’m better than I’ve been in a while it’s just…are you sure?” I whispered
into his cheek leaning up onto my knees, pulling back so I could look at him
closely.

“I have never been more sure of anything in my life,” Pat muttered sitting up
his mouth smashing into mine again, his hands counting my ribs with his fingers
as he started kissing my chest making me giggle. He felt so good, so right. I
nodded my head as he let me go shifting my weight and fumbling in the night
stand finding the condoms Vic had told us about and a bottle of lube.

I took the tiny square in my hand my hands shaking as I tried to tear it open
dropping it and sighing. Pat smiled at me his eyes lighting up, “Slow down. We
don’t have to be in a hurry.”

He took it from me tearing it open with his teeth his hands caressing me as he
stroked sliding the condom on making me moan and buck forward into his hand
again as he grabbed lube putting it into the palm of his hand. Smearing it as
we kissed more him pulling me forward as he leaned back. I started kissing down
his chest my thumbs running across his nipples making them stand up at
attention making him hum lightly.

I teased my hands trailing his body my tongue following kissing and sucking on
his skin making him wiggle and hum in ecstasy my tongue trailing past his belly
button licking down his length.

“Oh god,” he muttered lacing his hands into my hair as I wrapped my lips around
him tasting his sweat, the sweet stickiness of his skin mixed with the
saltiness of his sweat and precum. My hands explored his balls and the space
behind it before I took some lube rubbing it onto my fingers. He moaned and
twitched lightly as my fingers circled his pucker him moaning as I loosened my
throat allowing him all the way in. I slid my finger in feeling the satin touch
of his insides against my fingertips. The act making me ache with anticipation
as he squirmed under my touch, under the feel of my lips around him. Every
movement of the rhythm we had found making me grow more excited my cock
twitching with the idea just as his seed filled my mouth surprising me causing
me to swallow and laugh.

“ya ok?” Pat barely managed to mumble his eyes almost completely closed.

“I’m great babe. I promise,” I managed to breath trailing kisses on his hip
leaving traces of my lips against his thighs as I slid another finger in moving
it against that spot.

“Oh Ribbit,” He moaned loudly bucking, grinding back into the touch of my
fingers as my other hand slid down his right hip tracing the white angry lines
of KIII before I licked it gently making him squirm his cock starting to harden
again.

“I love you so much,” I said pulling my fingers out before I slid myself up
against him, pushing myself against his hole his eyes opening as he took a deep
breath, “Are you sure?” I asked hesitant for a second because of the look that
flashed across his face.
“Yeah just, slow ok?” He said nodding his head, “Trust me I want you. I want to
feel you inside me.”

I pushed forward slowly bit by bit the first ring opening up giving just enough
to let me in stealing my breath just like it had the first time I had topped
him but hotter. Less rushed, slower more intense. The hotness feeling slick and
tight like a glove around me making me moan outwardly as he moaned before I
managed to slide inside the rest of the way easily settling on top of him his
legs wrapping around my waist again.

He looked at me and laughed lightly, “You ok? Your eyes are really wide. You
can kind of move around a little you know.”

“I think if I do that I’m going to…,” I felt my face heat up.

“Really?” He said the amusement still playing on his face, his eyes dazzling.

“mhm,” I said nodding my head.

“I didn’t think I was that good. Just give it a second we’ll be able to,” he
said reaching up and pulling my head forward, pressing his forehead to mine as
he decided to grind against me lightly.

“Shit,” I murmured panting lightly.

“It’s ok Rabbit, let me feel you,” he whispered as I managed to pull out
slightly before pushing back inside the contact setting my nerves on fire
making me pant as he let a moan escape his lips.

It didn’t take us long to find that rhythm like a dance. His body fitting
perfectly around mine. Him moaning my name feverently. His hands rubbing up and
down my back as he uttered “shit” quietly every couple of seconds the friction
pulling us both closer to orgasm. He petted my spine as I felt him grind into
me bringing me so close to the edge before he pulled me closer my head buried
in his neck again.

“Wait just a second,” He said causing me to freeze in fear and confusion.

“What?” I asked, “Are you ok? Did I hurt you?”

“No! No not at all Rabbit just, hold on a second,” he said as I pulled out him
rolling over so he was sitting on top of me. I felt him position me with his
hands before he sat down, sliding slowly back over me like a glove made for my
body before he started bouncing in my lap. His body forcing him to control the
movement.

“Shit,” I barely managed as I started panting harder so close to orgasm.

“Is this ok?” He said me brushing a hand through my hair.

“God yeah,” I said closing my eyes letting him ride me. The slide in and out
like magic feeling better than anything I’d ever felt in my life his muscles
squeezing my cock in all the right ways.

“I love you so much John. Oh god I love you Rabbit,” he said his pace
quickening as my eyes finally rolled, my whole body tensing as he ran his hand
through my hair kissing and nibbling my neck, “I love you. God, I love you.” He
cooed as I came inside of him. The whole thing feeling like magic flowing
between our bodies connecting us before he started coming around me. His body
collapsing on mine as he buried his head in my chest and I started to soften
inside him before he got off my lap, rolling off me and laying beside me as I
turned to my side to face him.

“You felt great. I have never ever experienced anything like that,” Pat
muttered, “Thank you. Thank you, god I love you so much. thank you.”

“You’re thanking me?” I asked confused, “You’re the one who just let me…you
know. I think I should be thanking you.”

Pat laughed breathlessly, “It felt pretty damn incredible on my end too.”

“Really?” I asked finally catching my breath.

“Well I wasn’t making that noise for the hell of it,” Pat said biting his lip
smiling.

“Well sometimes it just happens even if you don’t mean for it to happen,” I
answered.

“True but, felt nothing like that. It feels like sparklers being lite under my
skin. Better than anything ever. Better then Delia, better than anything,” he
said as I kissed his chest curling up against his side.

“You really thought so?” I asked curious, still not really believing that I had
been able to do that. To make someone feel good without making myself feel
dirty. Without feeling like I was doing something wrong, something I shouldn’t
be doing. Something that would be written all over my skin for the world to
see.

“Really,” he said nodding his head as he stroked my hair, my head resting
against his chest as I listened to his heart beat, “Really. You did everything
right.”

“It didn’t feel like them at all, right?” I asked.

“Not anything like them at all. It was the complete opposite of them. I
promise,” Pat assured me.

I sighed relaxing into him more nodding my head. I believed him. I don’t know
why I needed so much reassurance but I did. Maybe because I had trouble
believing being on that side of things it could feel different because I hadn’t
had a chance to experience it myself without them watching but I felt sure he
wasn’t lying after he uttered the words “I promise” into my scalp.

I closed my eyes as he held me. His breathing evened out and before I knew it
we were both sleeping peacefully. We only slept for a couple of hours me waking
up when he moved out from under me to go to the bathroom him smiling at me when
he came back noticing my eyes were open.

“Are you still doing good?” He asked me.

“Mhm,” I answered before yawning sitting up and stretching, “I think I’m
getting hungry though.”

“Well Vic did leave us money for Pizza,” Pat reminded me, “It’s in the kitchen.
You want me to call? Got any requests?”

“Make sure you get a Greek salad and whatever pizza you order has mushrooms
please,” I said.

“Rabbit,” he smiled at me straddling my hips, “You just gave me the ride of my
life you can have whatever you want,” he told me kissing me roughly until we
were both breathless again before breaking apart, “Mushrooms and pepperoni
sound good?”

“Yes,” I answered nodding my head, “I’m going to go shower. Not because I feel
dirty or anything but because it’s you know, I’m kind of sticky still. Aren’t
you a little sticky?”

“I totally am,” Pat said his eyes still lit up in afterglow, “But I think if we
shower together we’re never leaving Vic’s apartment and it’s almost noon so…I’m
going to order the pizza while you shower and then jump in when you’re done.”

“Fair enough,” I said, “Do you think we’ll be able to do this again sometime?”

“Yes,” Pat answered, “There’s no doubt we’ll do it again sometime. I just I
can’t tell you when we’ll have another chance.”

“Well, I remember this always. No one has ever let me do that besides you. It
was even better this time then last time,” I said blushing lightly.

“I would hope so,” Pat said, “Last time, I don’t know. It’s like last time
wasn’t really real. Because they were there watching, telling us what to do,
how to do things this was us. This was really us.”

“Yeah it was,” I agreed, “Well I’m going to go shower.”

I got up going to the bathroom as I saw Pat remove the phone from the cradle
and call to order the pizza. I showered quickly feeling regretful that I had to
wash it all away but happy it had happened. Happy that I had gotten to
experience that type of control, to feel him around me his body fitting to mine
like it was made for me to be inside of it.

When I was done I dressed leaving the water running as Pat came into the
bathroom kissing me quickly before he stepped inside telling me the pizza would
be there in 20 minutes. When it got there, I answered the door and gave the guy
a tip before we turned on the tv watching I don’t even remember. Just wasting
time until 2:30 came around cuddling and kissing but making sure we kept our
clothes on, that our hands didn’t wander too far.

When Vic came in he cleared his throat catching us in the middle of a kiss,
“You two clean up any messes you might have made?”

I felt my face glow and Pat clapped my shoulder cracking up, “Well if he didn’t
know before he knows now Rabbit thank you.”

“I---I sorry,” I muttered.

“Everybody does it. However, I really hope that if you did you didn’t …” Vic
thought about it and sighed, “never mind I know how to wash my own sheets.
Let’s get you two home.”

Once we were in car Vic eyed me in the rearview mirror, “So… you two really
enjoyed yourselves huh?”

“Why are you asking that?” I asked.

“You have glow. Was that your first time? I mean on your own?” Vic asked.

“VIC! Really? You’re going to ask him that?” Pat asked.

“Well he has this goofy smile on his face that he has to get rid of so I’m
hoping if I shame him it might help hide it a little bit,” Vic said, “Was it or
no?”

“Yeah,” I admitted nodding my head.

“Ok well I’ll see if I can keep your Dad from ruining it for you,” Vic replied
simply my face falling, “There you go. That’s a lot better.”

“Don’t scare him,” Pat hissed.

“I’m not doing it to scare him. I’m doing it to remind him as good as he feels
right now they can take it away just like that. I’ll talk to Connor though and
see if I can make sure he keeps his hands off you, all right?”

“Could you please?” I asked quietly.

“Well like I said I’ll tell him you weren’t mentally ready not for that, even
though I don’t know who would be mentally ready for that,” Vic said before he
stopped at a stop light, “Ok Romeo and Romeo you want any last kisses I would
do it now because we’re about to come up to Pat’s house.”

“Yeah, we don’t usually kiss in the open so, I’ll see you later Rabbit ok?” Pat
said looking back at me smiling as we pulled up to the end of his drive way.

“Yeah, I’ll call later all right?” I answered.

“You better,” he said getting out of the car, throwing his bag over one
shoulder as he waved us off.

He pulled up to my house and noticed the drive gate was open. I knew something
was up when I saw that and sure enough that damn black SUV was parked outside
the kitchen door. I felt my heart stop in a bad way. In fear. They were going
to take it away from me. The warmness of him that was still wandering around
under my skin starting to fade.
***** 37 *****
Chapter Summary
     John gets home and ends up having a serious talk with mum before
     Dinner. During dinner Clean up Will tells him some troubling news
     while he opens up to Will about his relationship with Pat. They get
     ready to celebrate their first thanksgiving in the States in a couple
     of years.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 754 to 773. A little over 350 pages left of part 2. I will be
     updating Will's tomorrow I swear. I just have a lot of John's already
     written so it's easier to update. Warnings: mental health issues,
     talk of child sexual abuse, talk of sexual harassment, bullying,
     depression, anxiety, talk of really underage sexual abuse, talk of
     forced incest, talk of really underage sexual abuse
“Vic,” I whimpered.

“I know I see it,” he told me, “I’ll do what I can I swear. Because believe it
or not I care about you.”

He sighed opening his door as I opened mine both of us coming towards the
house. When we got inside I could hear Da and Leo talking with mum in the
living room, a baby whining slightly as we stepped out into the hall. We walked
into the living room to see my mum cuddling Mary looking at Leo and my Da. All
three of them had serious looks on their faces.

“Dr. Palmer what a surprise,” Mum said looking at him, “And my new delinquent I
see.”

“He wasn’t feeling well,” Vic said, “That’s why I’m here. How are you doing
Danielle?”

“I’d be better if my child wouldn’t skip school,” Mum said looking at me, “But
I’ll leave your Da and Leo to handle this because Dr. Swartzman was the one who
dropped you off at school.” she took Mary and started heading upstairs.

“John,” Da said.

“Hi Da,” I answered.

“Why did you skip?” Da asked me.

“I wasn’t…I couldn’t deal with them after Leo Da I’m sorry,” I answered
honestly.

“Oh, baby I know I got a little over excited and I’m sorry. But, that doesn’t
mean you get to skip school. I just missed you so much. Next week probably
won’t be so intense, all right? I promise,” Leo told me standing up and taking
a step towards me causing me to take a step back.

“Please, don’t make me,” I said having to take a deep breath to calm myself
down.

“Don’t make you what sweetie?” Leo asked smiling.

“I don’t want to have sex with you right now,” I whimpered.

“Don’t worry. Your mental health is fragile so your Da and Leo are going to
give you a little bit of time,” Vic said.

“Yes, that’s right baby. Leo and I are going to give you some more space just
for a little bit longer ok?” Da agreed, “However you will keep spending
weekends with Leo he’ll just go easier. No more skipping though all right?”

“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I promise.”

“Good now go upstairs, help mum and do your homework,” Da said and I nodded my
head going upstairs quickly before any of them decided to change their minds
about letting me leave.

“John?” Mum said from the nursery as I passed it on the way to my bedroom.

“Yeah mum?” I asked.

“Why did you skip?” She asked me, “You know you need an education so why did
you skip?”

“I wasn’t feeling well,” I answered simply wanting to keep the peace. Wanting
to make sure she stayed mentally stable.

If I could keep her stable by lying to her by hiding the fact that Da was the
way he was I would. I didn’t want her to break and I was deeply afraid that she
would if I told her. If she found out everything they had told her was a lie
was the truth. If she had I felt she would go away, probably end up back at
Wood Haven. Her mind would have been as broken and shattered as mine had been
when Da had promised me to Leo. Her brain wouldn’t have been able to process it
so I tried to keep it from her. Just long enough for her brain to heal.

“Feeling ill how John? Like how my head gets sometimes?” She asked me rocking
Seamus in the rocker gently as Mary slept in one of the cribs behind her.

“Yeah,” I answered, “I feel all right now though.”

“Are you taking your medication still?” She asked me.

“Yes mum. I am,” I answered.

“You know I’m sorry I did that to you guys, right?” She asked me, “That I took
you away from your Da when all he’s ever wanted is to take care of us, of you
guys. I have no idea what got into me and I’m sorry that I uprooted everything
put you boys through that. The hunger, the struggle.”

“It’s ok mum,” I said quietly, “You thought you were protecting us (you were)”

“Ok love, you want to go check on Laura and Andy for me please? I think Debbie
and Alice are making dinner and doing house work so if you could look in on
them I’d be really happy,” Mum asked.

“Yeah mum no problem,” I answered before turning and going into the playroom.

“You want to be the baby John?” Laura asked me turning to smile at me where she
was standing in front of the play kitchen with Andy rocking a baby doll in his
arms.

“How about you two play and I just watch?” I asked smiling.

“Oh ok,” Laura said, “But can you hold Molly?” She asked me handing me another
baby doll.

“Sure,” I answered, “Hi Molly,” I said holding the doll like it was a baby and
rocking it.

She got me to feed Molly holding the bottle to her lips as her and Andy played
house arguing over the “grilled cheese” and what was on it. Discussing that it
was Andy’s job to clean the kitchen because he was the daddy and Laura had done
the cooking. This went on until dinner was ready and we all went out into the
kitchen on our floor me helping mum get everyone settled in as Alice passed out
plates.

“Can I talk to you after dinner?” Will asked me quietly not looking at me.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “Sure.”

I didn’t know what he wanted to talk about but it was probably something that
had happened that weekend that he felt I needed to be aware of. Either way it
made me nervous to know what it might be. Whether he was telling me because I
needed to know or because he just needed to vent to someone I wasn’t sure.

After dinner mum and Debbie and Alice took the babies to go bathe and I nodded
at Will to help me wash the dishes so Alice wouldn’t have to stay late. He
grabbed the sponge before I had a chance to and turned on the water. I sighed
wondering what the point of him washing was because I was older I was used to
washing.

“You said you wanted to talk to me about something?” I asked.

“Yeah, huh how do you let someone know you don’t like them, you know, like
that?” Will asked me.

“Oh, thank god. I thought it was something about Da,” I sighed in relief, “You
just tell them.”

“And if they don’t listen?” Will asked causing my face to fall.

“This is about your mentor again? Wallace?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Will said, “He won’t stop asking if he can do stuff.”

Will’s face was flushed a bright red. Will didn’t usually get embarrassed and
in fact was more open and frank about what Da did then I ever felt I could be.
So, it took me by surprise that some kid asking him if he could touch him dirty
made his face turn that shade of red. I sighed and turned to him.

“What type of stuff?” I asked.

“Stuff like Da does sometimes,” Will mumbled as he stopped washing the dishes
fanning his face with his hand.

“Like the stuff Da made us do?” I asked.

“Yes,” Will said looking at me, “I keep telling him no but he keeps asking
saying that he wants to know what…what I feel like.”

“I’ll take care of it,” I told him, “How do you usually end up talking to him?”

“We meet in the library in the upper school for like 1pm to 2,” Will told me.

“That’s our Lunch,” I answered, “Mine and Pat’s. We’ll stop by ok? I’ll have a
talk with him.”

“Will you really?” Will asked hopeful.

“Yeah, I just hope it helps and doesn’t make it worse. I’ll try, I’ll do
anything for you. You know that,” I said.

“Well, like I mean it’s not like I don’t know what he wants because I’ve done
it before. I just don’t like and I don’t like him. I wish he would stop asking.
Making out with someone like I made out with Cole is really different than the
stuff he tells me he wants to do. I’d just like him to stop asking. I don’t
want him to touch me that way, you know?” Will said kind of rushed.

“Wait he’s asking to touch you as in sexually?” I asked.

“Well,” Will sighed, “Yeah. Like he said he wants to know what I feel like.
Whatever that means and it scares me. It reminds me of Da and what he says. How
he wants to make me feel good and I just, I don’t like it. I keep telling him
no but he keeps pushing and pushing and hinting at it and it scares me.”

“I can understand why. That’s like What Finick does to me. The way he pushes up
against me whenever we watch a movie in science class,” I answered.

“That sounds horrible,” Will said frowning.

“It is it’s very horrible. I’m afraid everyone is going to see and then they’ll
know what I am and I don’t know it’s just, it makes me really nervous all the
time,” I admitted to Will.

That was the first time I had ever voiced that out loud to anyone. That Finick
made me scared everyone would know what I was. That I was a whore. Someone to
be used and played with and forced to do things like that and that they would
all hate me for it.
Or those that didn’t would think it was ok to do that type of stuff to me.

“What do you think you are?” Will asked me picking up a plate and starting to
scrub it.

“You know,” I answered simply.

“No, I don’t. What do you think you are John? Because whatever you think you
are that’s what I am too,” Will said.

“No, you’re not. It’s not the same,” I said starting to get angry.

He wasn’t anything like me. Will was good. Will didn’t ask Da to do those
things to him. Didn’t tell Da it was ok to do those things to him so that Da
wouldn’t do them to someone else, not in the same way I did. Sure, Da hurt Will
and I knew he did but it wasn’t the same. It would never be the same.

“Yeah it is. Da makes me do the same stuff he makes you do and you know it. We
both know it. And we both know the things he says whenever we say no. That he’s
going to hurt someone else. So how do you think I’m any different from you?”
Will asked me.
“Because your body doesn’t…” I sighed trying to think of how I was going to
explain it to him again trying to understand why he didn’t get it, “Because
your body doesn’t react the way mine does.”

“What you think I don’t get boners? You think I don’t…? I mean sure it’s still
new but it happens more and more often now. So, you think that makes me a bad
person? Because my body reacts like that? It’s called puberty, I think. Cole
said everyone’s body does that. That a body doesn’t know whether your brain
wants it or not it just does what bodies do. Both him and mum have said I
shouldn’t feel bad about it. Even you have said that I shouldn’t feel bad about
it.” Will told me, “So if you’re saying your body doing that makes you bad that
means I’m bad too, that we’re all bad. Do you think I’m bad?”

“No, you’re not like me though,” I said feeling my heart pounding in my chest.
How could I get him to understand?

“John Da says a lot of the same stuff to me that he does to you. I’m pretty
sure,” Will said.

“You don’t know that,” I said shaking my head.

“What do I have to tell you? He says he wants me to feel good, that my skin
taste nice that I’m beautiful, that I feel good inside when he’s …that he loves
me and it’s special. Any of that sound like what he tells you?” Will asked me.

I closed my eyes feeling my hands shaking. Not wanting to talk about it
anymore, not wanting to think about it. I felt how flushed my face was and I
didn’t know if it was better or worse knowing. Knowing he said a lot of the
same things to both of us.

“I didn’t want to think about this today. Not after good stuff,” I mumbled to
myself. I thought I mumbled it quietly enough that Will didn’t hear but he did.

“Good stuff?” He asked me quietly, “But you skipped school and almost got in
trouble because you weren’t doing good. What good stuff could happen while you
were skipping?”

“I didn’t skip on my own you know?” I asked turning to him.

“But you’re always with…Patrick,” Will got a funny look on his face, “You
didn’t, did you?”

“Didn’t what?” I asked.

“You did! And you say I’m too young but you’re 13!” Will said.

“You just said we’re not normal. That we’re the same. When you’re 13 you get to
too I guess,” I answered rinsing and drying the dish Will had been washing for
the past five minutes.

“What did it feel like? Were you, oh geeze how do I ask that?” Will said a huge
goofy smile on his face.

“You don’t and…” I sighed thinking about how to best explain it, “You know all
the bad things they do? How it feels like ice under your skin and it makes you
want to scream, to cut your skin off? Take that and flip it around. It feels
like drinking hot chocolate after coming back into the house from playing out
in the snow and fireworks going off over your skin and under it and its…nothing
like them. I mean yeah, it’s the same stuff but it feels so different. Safe. It
feels safe.”

Will stared at me silently for a second and then sighed nodding his head taking
in my description, trying to understand it. Trying to wrap his head around
anything ever feeling that way, especially the stuff they did. When all you
feel is cold it’s hard to imagine the warmth, the comfort that can come from
those acts.

“It sounds really different,” Will commented after a minute.

“It is,” I answered, “I was scared a little. Then Pat said I could …never mind.
I don’t think I’m going to tell you everything. It’s something you’ll have to
experience for yourself one day and you will. Just don’t be in a hurry. Make
sure you’re ready before you try it otherwise I don’t think it would feel
right. If you didn’t trust the person you were with I don’t think it would
work.”

“Ok,” Will nodded his head, “I don’t know. I think trusting someone like you
trust Pat is hard. It just seems so I don’t know, scary.”

“The scariest part about the way I feel about him is I’m afraid they’ll hurt
him. That they’ll hurt him so bad one day he’ll never be the same and then I
don’t know what I’ll do. That’s the scariest thing I can think of when it comes
to how I feel about him,” I answered.

Will nodded his head as he washed and rinsed the last of the dishes. I dried
them silently. I hadn’t meant to tell Will all of that. Let him know I’d had
sex. It was probably super dangerous to tell him but I didn’t think he’d tell
anyone.

“Does it still kind of burn?” He asked me suddenly nearly causing me to drop a
plate.

“What?” I asked.

“Like you know how sometimes it feels like a bad rug burn when they are done?
Just like not really beat up but like kind of raw and sensitive? Does it still
feel like that after?” Will asked.

I sighed closing my eyes and allowing myself to feel my body. It had only been
five or six hours since Pat and I had crossed that bridge so I could still feel
evidence of it in my body. After it had first happened while were waiting for
the pizza guy he had asked if he could lay his head in my lap because I had
made him feel tender so he had wanted to cuddle. However, I didn’t really feel
anything. Probably because I had been wearing a condom but I wasn’t sure if I
should tell my brother I had been the one giving it and not getting for Pat’s
sake. because that was a little more information then I was willing to share
and I wasn’t sure Pat would want my little brother knowing he had been
dominated.

“I don’t really feel anything right now. Maybe slightly? I don’t know why?” I
asked curious as to why he was asking this now.

“I was just wondering,” he answered, “I always just feel raw, you know? So, I
was wondering if it was still the same with someone else.”

“Well,” I sighed not wanting to think about it, “At first for a couple hours it
always feels like that you know? But then it goes away if they’re, you know,
how Da is.”

“Yeah, I know,” Will said nodding his head, “I don’t feel well so I’m going to
go lay down.”

“Me too,” I said nodding my head, “Thank you for helping me.”

“You’re welcome. Are you really going to talk to Wallace?” Will asked me.

“Yes,” I said, “I’m hoping if I talk to him he might just leave you alone.”

“I don’t know,” Will told me, “I don’t know John he…I feel like there’s
something off about him.”

“You mean you think he’s like Da, like them?” I asked quietly.

“Kind of, he’s kind of weird too at the same time. He doesn’t like talking to
people like he didn’t even like talking to me at first at the beginning of the
year. But then after like a month he started actually talking to me and now
it’s gotten well…he’s gotten weird. I keep trying to tell him no. I do really,
but it’s like he doesn’t understand,” Will told me.

“Like I said I’ll talk to him, ok? I’m not sure it will help but I’m hoping it
will. Otherwise I might have to get someone else involved. The guys maybe,” I
added.

“No. I don’t want them knowing,” Will said, “I don’t want them knowing what
…it’s hard to explain.

“I know he’s not as old as Uncle Ben or Da and it makes it weird but trust me.
There is nothing to be ashamed about Will ok? Can I tell you something?” I
asked him quietly, “Something you won’t tell anyone? The guys already know but
I just want it going around.”

“Yeah you can tell me anything,” Will promised me.

“Dick and Chad, they both…at the Villa. Pat told me I shouldn’t feel bad about
it because I’m younger than they are but I still do. Dick keeps making comments
still. Whenever he has a chance to he’ll say something about it. That’s how I
got kicked off the bus. Da and mum don’t know I was kicked off the bus but I
was. I told Pat what Dick said to me and so Pat punched him in the face.”

“Good for Pat, he should have,” Will scoffed, “I would.”

“Don’t you ever punch someone in the face. Not ever for anything. Pat could
have gotten into a lot of trouble if…” I sighed heavily.

“If what?” Will asked me.

“Never mind, just it’s not worth the risk of getting in trouble with Da all
right? Not ever,” I said and Will nodded his head.

“Ok,” he said, “I don’t think Da would really hurt me though. Not like that.
Not like Uncle Ben does.”

“Oh, he might,” I said, “You know Da is different with me just a little bit but
if you’re not careful he could. I’ve seen it.”

“I believe you,” Will said quietly.

“All right well, I’m going to go lay down. Go to sleep, hopefully alone,” I
said quietly.

“Yeah me and you both. Oh yeah, Da put a stop to Matty’s exploring as Da called
it. Matty has to keep his hands to himself unless Da or uncle Ben are there I
guess. So, Mike has agreed to share their bedroom again. Da has Dr. Larkin
going to Matty in school once a week to see him so he doesn’t have to miss
school at all,” Will told me.

“I just hope that mum being home keeps Da busy for a while,” I responded.

“He didn’t bother me last night so I’m going to assume that he’s going to focus
on her at least for a little while. I don’t know. The closer it gets to
thanksgiving the more worried I feel because you remember last year. I remember
last year and I wasn’t even down there when he did that. How James was sick and
tired and how he didn’t speak for almost two weeks. It was scary,” Will told
me.

“Well they hurt him pretty badly. They hurt me pretty badly,” I said, “It was
the worst Christmas I ever remember and I really hope they don’t repeat it. But
any way I’m tired so I’m going to go to bed.”

“Yeah me too, goodnight bro, I love you,” Will said walking down the hall to
his bedroom as I did the same, going to mine.

I actually ended up sleeping pretty well that night forgetting to call Pat
until late into the night around 1am. When we did talk it was only briefly and
full of I loves you and mushy teenager stuff that you say when you think you’re
in love and then went back to sleep feeling warm, and safe and happy. Not
waking up again until my alarm went off.

I rode the bus to school that morning. Dom chatting away to me happily telling
me about what I had missed in school and some good news. Adam was getting
officially fake adopted and he was actually excited to have someone that he
could bitch to about his parents that would completely understand.

“…but yeah so anyway they are working on papers. After the papers are taken
care of he’ll be coming to school here after the new year probably,” Dom
finished.

“That’s actually an improvement for him, right?” I asked quietly.

“Huge one yeah,” Dom told me, “But yeah he’s pretty cool actually. He’s gotten
Dad to loosen up a little bit. He’s become nicer believe it or not.”

“Is that a good thing?” I asked.

“Ah…depends I guess?” Dom shrugged his shoulders, “But it’s nice to not be
alone anymore.”

“Why aren’t Pat and Cole here the morning?” I asked confused as to why they
weren’t riding the bus.

“Well, someone has a problem with keeping their mouth shut. So, Pat and Cole
have only been riding the bus in the afternoons because Pat wants to smack a
bitch every time he sees them,” Dom said and I heard Dick sigh loudly from
across the aisle.

“It’s not my fault the guy doesn’t understand I’m joking.”

“Because you’re not,” Dom said.

“I am. Partly,” Dick mumbled, “It’s not my fault someone has a thing for
someone else.”

“Really Rich?” I said shaking my head, “Really? You can’t keep that to
yourself?”

“I can. I just love pissing him off,” Dick replied, “Speaking of will I be
seeing you this weekend?”

“Not funny,” I answered.

“Highly entertaining though,” Dick countered.

“Oh…you know what? I’m going to pretend you’re not here because this is my
first day back at school really so whatever,” I replied.

“Very mature,” Dick hissed back, “Fuck you.”

“Be careful or else someone might hear a retort to that you won’t like,” Dom
said almost laughing.

“Fine, whatever,” Dick sighed sitting back in his seat ignoring us.

So, he didn’t mind fucking us. He just didn’t want people to know. Real
charming. I sighed and motioned for Dom to come closer so he bent closer to me
so I could whisper in his ear.

“Pat and I got really close,” I told him not ready to actually say it but
wanting him to know.

“Wait, I thought you were already closer,” he whispered back.

“No, like closer than we were,” I answered.

“Like so close you shouldn’t be telling me?” Dom asked me and I nodded my head
in reply, “NO FUCKING WAY!”

“LANGUAGE!” The bus driver shouted.

“SORRY!” Dom said back, “You shouldn’t be telling me that.”

“Well I figured Cole is probably already going to know so you might want to
know too. Just so you aren’t out of the loop,” I replied, “You’re not going to
tell anyone are you?”

“No,” Dom answered, “So you guys like boned?”

“Really you have to put it like that?” I asked feeling my face flush.

“You did,” Dom said the cheesiest grin on his face, “Can I ask who did what?”

“NO!” I said louder than I meant to causing several people to look our way as
the bus pulled up to the school.

“Ok then I won’t ask, geeze.”

When we got off the bus Cole was standing there smiling barely able to contain
himself as he greeted us, “Hi John.”

“Hi,” I said.

“So…how was your Monday?” He asked in a way that struck me as slightly creepy.

“Pat, what did you tell him?” I asked Pat who shrugged his shoulders at me.

“Not enough. That’s why he’s going to ask you about it,” Pat added.

“Well, I’m sure you’ve heard all you’re going to hear Cole. So, thanks for the
interest but, I’m all right,” I answered.

“Oh, come on I want the goods!” Cole said, “Like who was on top was Pat on top?
Were you on top? Because you both seem like tops to me so I’m just curious
here.”

“Cole I’m not telling you that,” Pat said leaning his head on my shoulder.

“Neither am I,” I answered, “I think the people that know the answer to that
question are the only ones that need to know.”

“Really?” Pat asked squinting at me, “Who did you tell?”

“Dom and Will,” I answered, “Because Dom would have heard eventually and Will
is my little brother so he would have found out eventually as well.”

“Ok fair enough. I just told Cole but I’m going to assume Tosh will know in a
bit. Hopefully it doesn’t go past there. Otherwise we’re like dead so, please
guys don’t tell anyone,” Pat begged.

“I’m not going to tell anyone bullshit,” Dom said, “Trust me. I don’t want to
lose two of my best friends because they decided to fuck without a camera in
their faces.”

“Thank you. That makes me feel warm and fuzzy Dom,” Pat said to which Dom
smiled and flipped him off, “And you Cole?”

“Never. You’re my brother,” Cole said.

“Good. As long as we’re all clear it doesn’t get around,” Pat said nodding his
head as the bell rang.

I sighed. I don’t really remember what class was like on that day. Only that I
told Pat I needed to stop somewhere on the way to lunch turning to go to the
library instead. I asked Pat to wait for me but he insisted on coming with me.

I sighed looking around at the crowd gathered in front of the library noticing
how short and young some of the guys looked. Knowing those were the guys from
Will’s class while the ones that were even taller and more adult looking then
Pat and I had to be the seniors. I noticed a kid with blond hair whose head was
down, their back turned toward me and I knew it was Will. Just like how you can
tell when it’s your kid brother or sister even though you can’t see their face
through the body language, the way they move. Because you’ve been watching them
your whole life without really thinking about it.

I looked at the guy he was facing. The guy was slightly overweight but really
tall over six feet with a shaved head and glasses with frames that looked too
small for his pudgy face. He didn’t seem threatening at all. The way he moved,
the way he hugged his arms to his chest casually. The way everyone else seemed
to ignore him but Will. At least at first until I caught him looking at Will a
certain way that momentary flash of predator measuring up the ability of prey.
That look that made me clench my hands into fist at my sides before I walked up
to them.

“Will?” I asked his back quietly getting him to turn around. His face and body
starting to relax just slightly when he knew it was me.

“Hi,” he said, “This is Wallace.”

He didn’t bother to turn around and look at Wallace just nodded his head in
Wallace’s direction. As if to say “well there he is. Maybe now you understand
why I don’t think talking to him will work?” I sighed and nodded my head. I
could understand why this guy made him nervous.

“Hi Wallace, I’m John. I’m Will’s older brother. Can I talk to you for just a
second?” I asked him trying to keep my voice even, be casual about the whole
encounter.

“Yeah sure,” Wallace said quietly confusion passing over his face.

We took a couple steps away from where anyone could hear us including Will who
saw Pat and walked over to him. I watched the two start talking amongst
themselves before Wallace cleared his throat drawing my attention back to him.
Reminding me why I was standing there with him in the first place.

“You’re brotherhood, so are we,” I started just getting to the bare bones of
the matter, no dicking around, “You know this. But, we’re untouchables. You
need to quit talking to him like that, saying those things. You’re making him
really uncomfortable and I have to say hearing that it’s something you do isn’t
pleasing me either.”

“He’s good looking. He’s soft and sweet and quiet,” Wallace told me, “You
really think being untouchable will matter in a year if I decided to stay in
town and go recruit track?”

“You’re going to leave him alone. You’re going to be appropriate and only talk
to him where other people can hear what you are saying or you’re going to keep
your mouth shut. Or I will be telling my Da do you understand?” I warned him.

“Let me get this. Your brother your very gay brother by the way, is telling you
he doesn’t like being asked if he’s ok with me wanting to touch him? You do
realize I’m asking to be nice and that there wouldn’t really be any
consequences if I just did it as long as no one outside found out, right?”
Wallace asked.

“There would be because I would deal with it,” I said puffing out my chest
pulling my shoulders back and still finding my 5’5 frame dwarfed by Wallace’s
size.

Wallace smiled an evil smile down at me almost like he was gleeful. Like he was
trying not to laugh at me, “Well, from what I understand you have your own
problems. A contract and more offers coming in everyday according to my Dad.
Apparently, you’re a sweet piece of ass according to Rich Swartzman. You
wouldn’t usually be my type but I’d be willing to give you a sit and spin if
you gave me trouble. So, you can get out of my face. I find eventually get what
I want. All I have to do is wait and talk to the right people. Do you
understand me?”

“In this case you won’t,” I hissed venom dripping from my voice.

He may have just threatened me but no one threated my kids not ever. Not in a
million years would I ever go back to my brother and tell him yeah, this guy
wants to fuck you and you’re going to have to because there is nothing I can do
about it. That would never happen especially if it wasn’t my Da who was saying
it. I wanted to clock that guy so badly but I knew it would not be a good idea
to start a fight with someone bigger and stronger then I was.

“Really you think you could stop me? Should we all go to the bathroom and see
if you can? That sounds like it might be a fun game to me,” he answered.

“Alone do I think I could stop you? No. But you do have to remember while you
recruit tracks have a small circle of friends. The other bottoms finding out
you want to put your hands on an 11-year-old, I don’t think they’d take very
kind to that. And what happens if a rumor gets around to outsiders? What do you
think is going to happen then?” I asked him bravely. his smile started to
falter, “Because you know what outsiders would think of you? Not only gay but
into little boys? You wouldn’t last very long at all.”

“Is that a threat?” He asked me quietly his face hard as stone, his little
beady eyes just flashing with fear for a second.

“Think of it as a promise. If you don’t keep your dirty fucking thoughts to
yourself and keep your hands off my brother I will make sure you pay,” I
answered.

“And you think there’s no way for those videos of you plastered all over the
site to be seen by people that go to this school? Think they won’t know your
face? At least if you spread stuff about me it would just be rumors and not
fact,” Wallace hissed at me.
I shook my head, “Good way to get yourself killed. While it might be my face it
would traced back to your Dad’s computer. So, if I were you I wouldn’t even
think about it. Keep your filthy requests and thoughts away from my brother or
I’ll tell my Da and trust me you won’t be happy and neither will your father.”
I said before I walked away still fuming.

I walked over to where Will was standing, “So did he say anything?” Will asked
me hopefully.

“He told me he always gets what he wants and that it would be fun to see if I
could stop him,” I answered shrugging my shoulders as Pat’s face got really red
and he shook his head.

“He fucking didn’t,” Pat hissed.

“He did. Don’t worry, I took care of it. I promised everyone would find out he
was into little boys if he didn’t leave Will alone,” I told Pat.

“But he told you that?” Pat asked gawking at me, “That he wanted to do that?”

“He won’t,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “He also said he would tell the
whole school about some other stuff which would very easily get him killed so…I
doubt he’d actually hurt me. However, Will and I am going to stress this, and I
cannot stress it enough; Make sure you are never in a room alone with him again
all right?”

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head, “I’ve been trying to do that anyway.”

“Ok Will just use the bathroom in the lower school and try not to use it again
until you get back. Because that’s where they do most of their harassing. You
can even ask Dom next time you see him whenever that will be,” Pat said.

“They bother Dom?” Will asked.

“All the time,” Pat answered, “I’m sure you can ask him sometime if you like.”

“Ok,” Will said nodding his head, “Thank you John.”

“No problem. If he keeps bothering you let me know and I’ll find a way to take
care of it.”

“I will,” he assured me before Pat and I headed off towards the lunch room.

That week felts lucky. Lucky that that was the only thing that really happened
in school even though as it got closer and closer to Friday I could feel myself
growing more and more nervous knowing the weekend was coming. That my Time at
Leo’s house was coming. I dreaded going to Leo’s as much as I felt I needed Pat
in my life. My mum still drugged up and sleeping most of the time and my
brothers and sisters being taken care of by Debbie and Alice. I was so nervous
about Friday that I forgot we had Thursday off. I got up and ready for school
even though there was no school that morning and then found myself falling
asleep on the couch while tella tubbies was on. Only waking up when Mac stuck
his finger up my nose.

“What are you doing Bud?” I asked him which caused him giggle.

“Nose,” he said trying to stick his finger up my nose again.

“Yes, you have one too,” I said pointing my finger at it and then touching my
finger to the tip of his nose, “beep.”

He copied me touching his own nose, “Beep!” he said excitedly.

“Yes, that’s right. Now go play,” I said musing his hair slightly and setting
him down on the ground as he waddled away happily just as James came out of his
bedroom his hair all messed up from sleep rubbing his eyes, still wearing his
PJ’s.

“Why are you awake? You’re never awake,” he told me quietly coming and sitting
down next to me.

“I wasn’t until someone decided they needed to pick my nose for me,” I answered
stretching, “Why are you awake?”

“Hungry,” he answered simply.

“I can grab you some fruit salad, would you like that?” I asked, “It’s already
put together.”

“Please,” he said looking at me.

I sighed and stood up going into the kitchen and grabbing a bowl of fruit
salad. Alice and Mum were downstairs cooking up the thanksgiving meal. Usually
it wasn’t something our household focused on but Da had invited some of the
brotherhood members over and I wasn’t sure what it was for but Leo was among
them. I just prayed that it wasn’t to take me over to his house for an early
weekend but knew nothing good would come of it.

When I came back Catty was sitting on the couch next to James and they were
talking in whispers so quietly I couldn’t hear them James’ face serious like he
was thinking hard about something and I didn’t hear what they were saying until
I got a little closer.
“But mummy said it’s all fake that it’s just bad dreams,” Catty said quietly.

“I don’t know. They still make me feel funny and something that makes me feel
that funny can’t be a dream, can it?” He asked her.

“What makes you feel funny?” I asked my heart sinking knowing what they were
probably discussing.

“The way Da does those things,” James answered quietly taking his fork and
poking at the fruit in his bowl, “You say it’s wrong and bad and mum says it’s
not real.”

I sat down trying to figure out how I should explain it. How do you explain to
a seven-year-old that their Da isn’t supposed to touch them that way? That no
one is supposed to touch them that way? And how do you explain that they have
made their mum think it’s all made up? All a lie she made up in her head
because they have her convinced that she’s mentally ill? I wasn’t even sure
where to begin.

“Well,” I said thinking about it carefully, “You said they make you feel funny
as in they make your stomach hurt and your skin feel like bugs are crawling on
your right?”

“Yeah,” James said taking interest in the strawberry he was poking with his
fork and Catty crawled into my lap and I allowed her to, holding her there as
she laid across my lap like a baby might lay in their mother’s arms.

“That’s because your brain doesn’t want it to happen. And it’s ok that you
don’t want that because it feels bad. Normal people don’t do those types of
things with their kids. That’s why we can’t talk about it in front of others
remember?” I answered.

“Yeah you told me that. But mum said it’s not even real. So how do I know it’s
real if she says it’s not?” He asked me.

“Well when it does happen doesn’t it feel real?” I asked him.

“Yeah but mum says…” I stopped him.

“Ok but you know how sometimes you say you have a headache when you don’t want
to spend time with Da?” I asked him and he nodded his head in reply, “Da has
mum convinced she has a headache. One that won’t go away so he has her taking
special pills to make the headache stop. Those pills make it hard for her to
believe that something is real when she doesn’t see it in front of her. Like
how some people don’t believe in God even though God is real.”

“How could someone think God isn’t real?” Catty asked me her eyes lighting up
in surprise, “He’s everywhere. He put all the animals here and the garden and
he saved Noah from the flood and he sent Jesus here because he loved us so much
and he wanted us to know it. So, how can people think he’s not real? That
doesn’t make any sense.”

“I don’t know Firefly but there are people that believe none of those things
happened because they can’t see it with their own eyes. They forget that God is
like the wind. We can’t see the wind but we can feel it. We see evidence of it
when it blows through the trees and ruffles our hair. People are silly Cat.
Sometimes they forget that feelings make something real.” I answered.

“So, what Da does is real even though Mum doesn’t think it is?” James asked me.

“Yes, bud that’s exactly what I’m saying. If you ever doubt it’s real you can
come talk to me I can show you it’s real if you want me to,” I answered
thinking about the brand on my hip. The brand they had never seen along with
the bite marks and scars Hank and other people had left along my chest and
other parts of my body they never saw.

“How?” James asked looking at me weird.

“Well,” I said, “Dreams don’t leave marks on your skin. That’s how you know
they aren’t real because sometimes they’ll hurt and scare you but, you never
see what they leave behind. That’s another way we know god is real because he
left the trees here and the animals. Just like he left us here to enjoy this
beautiful world he created for us. Bad things leave marks behind too sometimes.
Like you remember when Matty fell back at school when you were little tiny and
he came home that weekend with those stitches in his knee and he now has that
little mark on his knee? That’s how we know it’s real. That it happened,
because there is something there that it left behind that we can see.”

“I just thought he always had that,” James told me.

I sighed, “Well you are little. There will be things you don’t remember.”

“So, Mr. Lord is real?” He asked me his eyes starting to well with tears.

“Oh,” I sighed.

“I wanted him to not be real,” James said as he started sniffling.

“Who is that?” Catty asked.

“Hey Cat, can you go see what Debbie is doing?” I asked her kissing her
forehead.

“Why? Who is Mr. Lord?” She asked again.

“Just go see, I think she’s setting up a tea party,” I told her again.

“Ok I’ll go but you’ll tell me later, right?” She asked me.

“We’ll see,” I said as she got up and walked away shooting a worried glance
back at us before she left.

“Come here,” I said taking the fruit bowl from him and setting it on the coffee
table holding my arms out as he climbed into my lap.

“He hurts,” James barely mumbled trying to be quiet, trying to hide his tears.

“I know bud. I know,” I said hugging him tightly to my chest as I rocked him,
“I know.”

“I don’t know what I did,” He said burying his little face in my shirt.

“You didn’t do anything. Some people are just bad people that like to hurt
others. He’s one of them. One of the bad people and you just have to focus on
the good stuff all right? Don’t think about him. I wish you didn’t know him.
I’m sorry I can’t get them to leave you alone,” I whispered stroking his
shoulders gently.

“Why are they so mean? Why does Da want them to hurt me?” He asked me.

“I think Da maybe doesn’t understand that it hurts. Or he doesn’t care. I’m not
sure. I wish I had the answers but I don’t,” I told him, “Why are you asking
bud?”

“I dreamed about him. He was hurting me and I couldn’t see and it hurt so bad
that I felt like he was stealing my breath. It was hard to move and then it was
all dark and I wanted it to stop and I opened my eyes and he was gone but it
still hurt a little like he was there but he wasn’t and I know he wasn’t
because when I opened my eyes he was gone and I wasn’t down there anymore,” he
told me quietly.

“Well you’re all right now. Did mum tell you he wasn’t real?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he said quietly, “She said they wouldn’t do that. That Da wouldn’t let
people do that.”

“That’s because Da has her believing that things he says are real even though
he’s telling her lies to keep himself out of trouble. He has her believing that
all of us have made it up. The pills she’s on make her tired so her head does
funny things so she’s not sure of herself, only what he tells her. I know it’s
hard to understand bud but, it’s all real. I can show you it’s real you want to
see?” I asked him.

“How?” He asked me looking at me, his eyes still wet with the little tears
dripping down his face.

I sighed not sure I was ready to show him that. To show him my scars but
knowing that he needed to see them. That he needed to know what he remembered
was real. That while it was just a dream Mr. Lord was real and had really hurt
him.

“Look,” I said moving him away from my body slightly so I could lift up my
shirt showing him the crescent shaped scar on my chest, “That’s from Da and his
friends. They hurt me too remember?”

“They did?” He asked me quietly.

“Yeah,” I told him swallowing back my own tears, “They’ve hurt me a lot. But
I’m ok you know why?”

“Why?” He asked me quietly.

“Because I have you guys. You guys always make me feel better and I have
Patrick and Cole and my other friends and it makes it hurt not so much
sometimes,” I answered, “Makes it less confusing because it’s very confusing.
Isn’t it?”

“Yes,” he said as he started crying again.

“Oh, I know bud, I know,” I said kissing his head as he buried his face in my
chest again, “But I’m right here and I know it’s real. You can see it’s real
because dreams don’t leave marks like that. Mum is sick right now so we need to
ignore her because she doesn’t understand. Think of her mind as being like
Andy’s mind, bud. She doesn’t understand certain things right now ok? And
trying to make her understand is only going to confuse her and make her scared
so we need to just not say anything about it to her all right?” I said rocking
him lightly.

“I miss mummy like she was before,” he sighed into my chest softly.

“I know love,” I told him, “Me too but we’ll get her back. She just needs time
all right?”

“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Da’s been gone a lot since she came home.”

“I know but that just means he’s busy with other things,” I told him not
wanting to go into detail of what that actually meant. That it meant Da was
leaving Will and I alone. That he wasn’t hurting us because he only molested
James sometimes whereas with Will and I it was constant.

“Uncle Ben is gone too,” he told me, “I don’t like him. He’s weird and he won’t
play with me.”

“That’s ok though,” I said, “You can play with me and I promise I’m a lot
nicer. If you ever want to play with me you just have to ask.”

“But Alice says to leave you alone,” he told me.

“Yes, but that’s because Alice knows I’m really tired a lot. So, she worries
about me but next time you want me to play tell Alice I said it was ok for you
to come and ask. I may not always want to but it never hurts you to ask me all
right?” I told him.

“Ok,” he said, “Mummy said yesterday Da’s friends are coming over. Does that
mean he’s going to come?”

I sighed, “You mean Mr. Lord? I don’t know bud. I have no idea who is coming
and who isn’t. However, I will be here too. You know you’re never alone even
when they make you go downstairs by yourself right? Will and I are always here
and so is Mikey. I know it’s scary. That it makes you feel weird even when it
doesn’t hurt but, you can talk to Will or me about it anytime you need to.”

“Like when Da does funny things with his mouth?” He asked me quietly averting
his eyes.

“Yeah like that,” I told him.

“He does that to you too?” He asked me, “Puts his mouth there and it steals
your air and then you can’t stop shaking and it feels bad and weird and tickles
all at once.”

“Yeah,” I swallowed but managed to answer.

“I don’t like it when he does that,” James told me.

“Me neither,” I answered, “But you remember your castle? Have you been trying
to go there when he does that?”

“Yeah but sometimes it doesn’t work. I tell him I don’t like it but he says
that I don’t know what I like. That I’m lying,” James told me.

“You can’t listen to him. You can’t. He wants you to be confused like he’s
confused mum and you can’t let him do that to you. You’re a smart boy. You know
how you feel and you need to listen to that, not to him. It’s like him handing
you a red crayon and telling you it’s blue. You know he’s lying. You know what
you see. You have to believe yourself before you believe anyone else, all
right? Even me,” I told him.

“Ok,” he said, “But don’t tell him he’s lying?”

“Right or else he’ll get mad. And he’s worse when he’s mad,” I said.

“I know. I remember,” he told me.

“Remember what?” I asked curious.

“The bird house,” he said quietly, “The gold bird house downstairs. He grabbed
you hard because he was mad. Because you wouldn’t let him take me first. He
smashed you on it and he hurt you just like he hurt Pat and Cole too.”

“You remember that?” I asked him.

“Yeah, when Mr. Lord comes over he takes me there. He doesn’t take me into the
bird house room but the other room and he hurts me. He hurts a lot. He makes it
hard to walk and I bleed sometimes. Only for a little while though,” he told
me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I knew it was normal for him to bleed
a little because he was so small and they were so big. Hearing about it though,
that he made him bleed scared me, made me angry. No one ever has the right to
do that to anyone. Especially a little boy who thinks he did something wrong to
deserve it. A little boy who can’t possibly understand why someone would do
that to him. Why someone hates him that much they would want to hurt him, to
make him bleed.

“How many times have you seen him since that first time?” I asked.

“Two times since Montana,” he told me, “When they had you away for a long time
and then again little bit ago when you were gone. I asked Will why they only
did it when you’re not here and he said because Mr. Lord would make you mad if
you knew. If you knew me and Will were with him.”

“Will is right he does make me mad. He makes me very mad,” I answered, “But not
at you, you understand that, right?”

“Yeah, I understand,” he said, “Like how Uncle Ben makes me mad when he’s mean
to Mike and he makes Mike cry.”

“Yes, exactly like that that,” I said to him, “Where has Uncle Ben been, do you
know?”

“No, Da said he was gone away for a while but that he’s coming back soon. That
he just went away so mummy could come back and not be upset but now that she’s
not upset anymore he can come back. Uncle Ben is weird though. He says he wants
to play with me sometimes but he won’t. He says he’s not allowed to.”

“Good at least he’s listening,” I said.

“He said he’s not allowed to play with anyone but the twins and that it makes
him upset. Because he wants to play with everyone. He told me something once
and I think it was bad,” he told me quietly.

“What did he say? You won’t get in trouble for telling me, I promise. I’ll
never be mad at you for telling me anything,” I assured him.

“He told me he wanted to play with you and me at the same time but that I
shouldn’t say that because it would scare you. It would make you mad with me,”
James told me.

“No, I’m not mad at you,” I said right away, “I’m glad you told me.”

“What did he mean when he said that?” James asked, “I think it was bad but I
don’t know.”

“He means play with us like the way Mr. Lord plays with you,” I said, “So yeah
he meant something bad. But, that won’t happen. I won’t let it.”

“That’s when Mr. Lord hurts me you know?” He asked me as if to clarify that I
knew what he meant, “He says play but I don’t think he’s playing because it
hurts. Playing with everyone else doesn’t hurt. Not even with Da with. Da it
just makes my tummy feel weird and my skin feel funny and steals my air but
with Mr. Lord it hurts really bad.”

“I know, I understand,” I said nodding my head, “Let’s try to not worry about
it so much right now ok? We’re safe and today we’re going to have a fun day off
school and we can play with the hot wheel track if you like or maybe candy land
if you want.”

“Could we? I like playing Candyland and Matt and Mike never want to play with
me and last time I tried to play with just Andy and Laura all Andy wanted to do
was jump his guy around the board and not even follow the rules,” he told me.

“Yes, you and I will play Candy Land. You want to go ask Catty if she would
like to play and I’ll go ask Will?” I told him.

“Yeah that would be fun,” he told me.

I spent the rest of the morning playing candy land and getting hungry. Around
noon I went into the kitchen to grab myself some fruit salad from the fridge
just as the lift clicked on. I wasn’t sure who it would be because mum and
Alice were downstairs cooking and watching Mary and Seamus while Debbie was
busy watching Mac, Andy and Laura in the nursery so I had no idea if it would
be mum and Alice coming up to grab something from one of the toddlers that were
underfoot or if it was going to be Da coming to check on things, to make sure
we understood what was going on. That people were coming to dinner. Who it was
and how we should behave.
***** 38 *****
Chapter Summary
     Da talks John into an exchange, time alone for information which gets
     disrupted when James walks in without knocking. John is barely able
     to talk Da out of a bad idea only convincing Da that they should show
     James rather than include him in some vile acts passing through Da's
     head. After thanksgiving Dinner the older boys are locked in a room
     left with only their anxiety and each other to keep them company as
     tempers flare.
Chapter Notes
     773 to 796. Probably the only update before Christmas because I have
     a paper to write and other homework to do. Don't get mad about my
     cliff hanger, just hang on lots of bad stuff coming this way.
     Warnings: Rape/non-con, forced father/son incest, talk of child
     sexual abuse, physical abuse, very underage sexual abuse
     I'd like to wish you all a marry Christmas or happy holidays. Wish me
     luck and hope that I continue. I don't know lately things are getting
     harder and I just don't know. I keep telling myself that my boys, my
     children deserve their ending but it's getting harder. Keep in your
     thoughts I guess people.
Sure, enough when the door opened it was Da. He saw me standing in the kitchen
and I sighed. There wasn’t really anywhere to run to, anything I could do to
keep him from coming after me if he wanted me. Which the look in his eyes told
me he did. I sighed putting my bowl back down on the counter. I allowed him to
come up to me. To hug me even though it made me feel sick, frozen inside.
“How are you doing baby?” He asked me.
“I’m fine,” I answered shifting in his arms hoping he would let me go.
“You want to talk?” He asked.
“Are you actually going to talk to me and can you do it without really touching
me?” I asked him.
“Maybe, you know I’ve missed you. That I love you,” he sighed letting me go,
“If you play nice I’ll tell you what to expect. Who is coming.”
“Can’t you just tell me anyway?” I asked quietly.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he repeated trailing a hand down the front of my
shirt making me gulp loudly.
Was it worth it? To know what was coming? To know if I just had to worry about
myself or worry about me and everyone else. I wasn’t sure but I knew it was
better me right now then Will, or someone else.
I nodded my head, “My bedroom ok?”
“Yeah,” he said smiling, “That sounds nice.”
I could feel my heart trying to escape my body. I knew what I was agreeing to.
I hated myself for it but I knew what I was agreeing to.
When we got into my bedroom he turned shutting the door behind, us lifting my
shirt over my body and letting it fall to the floor. Him kissing my neck, a
tangle of hands on my body sliding along my chest and arms. His tongue sliding
along my neck causing me to close my eyes. To try to keep breathing as my skin
started to make me feel sick, that feeling crawling underneath it.
“Shhh, you’re shaking its ok baby,” he whispered into my skin, “It’s ok.”
“Da,” I said shaking my head as his hand went to my fly.
“It’s ok baby,” he said kissing me, forcing his tongue into my mouth to slide
along my soft pallet for just a second before he broke the kiss. His tongue
finding its way down my chest and to one of my nipples making me whimper as he
started to tease it, his hands undoing my pants, “You do this you get all the
information you need to prepare yourself.”
“Ok,” I whimpered biting my bottom lip to keep it from trembling as he started
pulling my pants off started exposing me, “What are you going to do?” I asked.
He slid his own t-shirt off and letting it drop to the floor beside the bed.
His hand finding my naked hip as he made me lay back on the bed. “Shhh, it’s
ok. I’m just going to make you feel good, all right? I promise baby that’s
all,” he said climbing on top of me pinning me under him, his kisses trailing
down my stomach.
“And if I do you’ll tell me everything right?” I asked hearing how shaky my
voice was, feeling embarrassed about it.
“Yeah baby, everything,” he assured me nipping at my belly button causing me to
squeeze my eyes closed.
“Ok,” I said as his hand slid down there making me jump. Making me bite my lip
again as I closed my eyes wishing I was anywhere else.
“Yeah it feels good huh?” He said as I became erect. As I started panting as he
played with me, “God you’re so perfect.” He muttered. His other hand petting my
thigh as he kissed my pubic bone.
I wanted him to stop. But I needed this information so I could know what I was
capable of doing when it came to protecting my brothers. If that meant letting
my Da blow me I would do it no matter how much I hated myself for it. His hand
stroking me just right. Just enough to make my body shake. Make it hard to
breathe. Before I could stop myself, I whimpered slightly.
“Yeah? That’s it baby, make those sounds for me ok beautiful?” He muttered
before that wetness engulfed me making me pant harder. Making it almost
impossible for my brain to actually think as my nervous system got hit with
that cold fire spreading up my body.
He ran his tongue along the underside of my shaft before he relaxed his throat
taking me deep inside his mouth pushing me over the edge. Leaving me sweaty and
panting and hating my body for what it had done, for letting him make me feel
that way. He moved his weight forward pulling the sheet with him so I didn’t
have to lay there naked and exposed as he cuddled me. Holding me against his
chest even as I laid there stiff just wishing he would let me go and tell me
what I wanted to know. I sighed heavily before looking up at him careful not to
push him away.
“Are you going to tell me now?” I asked him quietly.
“I promised I would, didn’t I?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “What would
you like to know?”
“Who is going to be there and what is going to happen,” I answered, sitting up
so that I felt a little taller, a little stronger.
“Leo, Arthur, Ben, Hank Mr. Lord and me. Mr. Lord is going to be staying for
three days. Everyone else, it’s going to be more of an overnight thing,” he
answered watching my expression as I frowned doing the math in my head knowing
that they usually shifted bottoms at my Da’s special parties making myself
nervous knowing Mr. Lord was going to be there.
“Who else?” I asked.
“Why does it matter?” He asked me.
“Because I need to know. Those are my brothers that you’re letting some perv…”
Just then his fist clamped hard around my throat choking off my air supply as I
looked at him.
“Watch your mouth. They might be your brothers but they are MY sons just you
like. You understand? You have no say in who they sleep with. Only I get to
decide that. So, if you think anything you can say or do in this instance is
going to stop anything from happening you are sadly mistaken. You are so
mistaken you want to keep it up? I will make sure at the end of the night you
can’t sit down for a week if you catch my drift. So, if I were you I would
watch what I say very very carefully because you might not be the only one
paying for your smart-ass remarks understand me?” He hissed to which I nodded
my head.
He knew that would shut me up. Threatening them. It always did because nothing
else in the world mattered more to me than they did. He could do a million
things to me and while I would hate it I sometimes felt like I deserved it but
I never thought they deserved anything like that. That it was my job to take it
so they didn’t have to.
“Now can you try to answer my question in a way that won’t get your air taken
away?” He asked me as he let go of my neck causing me to sit up and rub it
lightly where it felt like the bones and ligaments in my neck had been squeezed
together tightly.
“Can you please tell me so I can make sure they are prepared to deal with it?”
I tried.
“Better,” he answered giving a curt nod to show he was satisfied, “Pat and Cole
will be there obviously and I’m thinking Will Mike and Matty because Leo’s wife
has Rich this holiday.”
“Ok,” I answered nodding my head. I wasn’t pleased that Mike and Matt would be
involved but at least it meant James wouldn’t be. At least even though they
were barely old enough to understand what was happening wasn’t their fault they
had that where James was just seven. Just little tiny still and couldn’t
understand Why Da hated him. Why Da let Mr. Lord hurt him and make him feel
bad.
“Yeah, it’ll be a lot of fun,” he told me, “I won’t tell you what I’m hoping we
get to do but, now you know what’s happening. Does that make you feel better?”
“Not really,” I answered, “Why do we have to? I mean mum just got back so it
doesn’t make any sense to me.”
“It doesn’t have to make sense to you baby. You just have to do what I say all
right?” He told me rubbing my cheek, “God you’re so perfect.”
I swallowed. He was going to rape me. Make me have sex with him. I was naked I
was very aware of the fact I was naked but he said if I did what he wanted he
would tell me what to except and then he’d let me go. But he wasn’t planning on
just letting me go, just stopping. I could see it written all over his face, in
his eyes.
“Da…,” I said trying to figure out what I could say to change his mind.
“Shhh, it’s ok baby. I made you feel good. Don’t you want me to feel good? I’ve
missed how you feel,” he said climbing on top of me.
“Please…” I barely dared to whisper, “I have to tonight. Please? I’d rather not
right now.”
He moved sliding his pants off and throwing them over me so they landed on the
floor next to mine, “You have no idea how good you feel do you baby?” He said
sliding on top of me his mouth moving down my neck again, into my collar bone.
He pushed me hard forcing my arms up above my head squeezing my wrist together
in one hand the bones grinding on each other as he pulled himself out of his
boxers.
“Da please, please,” I begged shaking my head.
“Just a little baby. I promise, just a little bit,” he said reaching over to my
nightstand taking the tub of Vaseline out and using his mouth the pop the lid
off the jar and scoop some into his free hand applying it to himself as he
forced my legs apart.
I closed my eyes and bit my lip to keep myself from screaming, from protesting
as I felt him rub against me. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be used just
to be forced downstairs and reused. I didn’t want this, I couldn’t do this.
“It’s ok baby, just relax,” he said pushing into me, “God you feel amazing. You
know how much I’ve missed being inside of you, being a part of you?” He
breathed as I wiggled trying to get him to pull out. Causing him to grab on my
hips and press in deeper so he was balls deep in me.
“Da please,” I begged that uncomfortable feeling of being full pushing against
my body against my bowels.
“God, you feel so good, so tight,” he breathed rolling his hips pulling out
before he pushed back in making me gasps, “That’s it baby.”
“Daddy please, please,” I begged starting to cry as he started rubbing against
that spot on every up thrust.
“It’s ok baby. You’re doing great. You feel so fucking tight it’s amazing,” he
muttered kissing my neck aggressively.
“It hurts,” I moaned.
“You might say that but there are parts of you that aren’t,” he said reaching a
hand in-between us and grabbing my erection.
“Da,” I hissed desperately as he rolled his hips again making my eyes flutter.
“That’s it baby give into it. Let it feel good beautiful,” he said picking up
his pace.
“John!” I heard before the door bursts open and standing there was James his
eyes wide before he started screaming, crying. It sounded like someone had
ripped his heart out. Da was up and pulling James in by the elbow smacking him
across the face.
“QUIT SCREAMING!” He shouted, “You want to keep screaming I will string you up
in that basement and Lionel can play with you until you can’t scream anymore.
Because you think he’s tough to deal with now you should see him when he’s
pissed because little boys don’t know how to knock.”
“James it’s ok. Come here,” I said covering myself with a sheet before I held
out my arms to him.
He ran to me and hugged me tightly around the neck. He seemed terrified by what
he had walked into. His sobs still racking his body only silent, Da’s threat
effectively silencing him. Even at the age of seven he understood that obeying
Da was important. Was something you always did no matter what.
“He was hurting you,” he whimpered squeezing me around the neck a little tight.
“Look at me, look at me bud,” I sand tilting his chin gently so he could see
into my eyes, “I’m not hurt. I’m ok.”
“No you aren’t ok. I know you aren’t ok because that hurts. I know it hurts,”
James babbled.
“Bud,” I said again making sure he was looking me in the eyes, “I’m ok. I
swear, I will never lie to you. I’m fine. Ok?”
“No, he’s going to hurt you,” he whimpered hugging me tighter.
I looked at Da and I saw something there I didn’t like. Something I knew was
bad that I was seeing there. I felt like I knew what that look was saying and
that look wasn’t good.
“Hey bud? You need to listen to me and you need to go into your room and shut
the door and don’t come out ok?” I told him.
“Oh, he’s not going anywhere,” Da said and I shook my head.
“I won’t do it,” I said shaking my head.
“Oh, we’re going to play that game. You don’t I will, I’ll show him it doesn’t
have to hurt,” Da promised, “Come here James, come see Daddy.”
“Da no! I won’t watch that! I’ll leave the room,” I threatened.
“You leave I’ll make sure Lionel gets a lot of alone time with him,” he
promised.
“Da come on! He’s little! You can’t do this. What if…,” I felt my cheeks
burning just thinking of it, “What if we showed him?” I asked.
“You’re going to show him,” Da said, “You won’t hurt him. I know you would
never hurt him.”
“You don’t want me anymore?” I asked standing up making myself go numb. Walking
towards Da slowly, seductively.
I wrapped my arms around his neck standing on my tip toes, my hands shaking as
he grabbed my naked hips pulling me to him. I didn’t want to do this but if it
meant keeping James safe. Making sure he wasn’t touched I would.
“Oh, I want you baby but I want your brother to understand I wasn’t hurting
you,” he told me quietly.
“Why don’t we let him watch us?” I whispered in Da’s ear watching his face
light up at the idea. The idea of raping me in front of my little brother, his
hardness pressed tight against my stomach.
He smiled at me and nodded his head his chest almost heaving in excitement,
“Ok,” he said barely able to speak.
He leaned down kissing me aggressively grabbing my asscheeks, not allowing me
to pull away. “Oh, shit,” was all I could think trying to calm myself down.
Trying to remind myself that I was doing this so James didn’t have to. He
pushed me down against the bed, forcing me to roll over onto my stomach,
wasting no time pushing back into me making me whimper in pain.
“It’s ok baby,” Da breathed, “I’m going to make you feel good ok?”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like he was crushing me, each thrust tearing at
me as he hissed at James to watch, not to take his eyes off of us. The
sensations too conflicting and too tense for me to do anything. I closed my
eyes and tried not to make a sound as he thrusted into me. I knew James was
watching quietly, watching us a confused look on his face.
“Ahhh,” I moaned before I could stop the sound from coming out. My face turned
red as he stroked my prostate, concentrating all his effort on hitting it.
“That’s it baby. My good boy, yeah? God, you feel so good,” he told me as I bit
my lip to hold back another moan keeping my eyes closed tightly.
“Daddy stop please. I’ll be good, just stop hurting him,” James begged watching
us.
“I’m not hurting him bud. Look at his face, how is eyes are closed his mouth
open. How he’s breathing heavy. That’s because it feels good. Doesn’t it baby?”
He asked me running his tongue along my spine.
“Shit,” I moaned before I could stop myself. The sensation shooting ice cold
fireworks up my spine.
“Yeah? That’s it baby. I’m so close and you’re close too, I can tell. God yes,
you feel so amazing. My special boy,” he muttered kissing into my neck as my
whole body started to seize up my orgasm squeezing my muscles together around
him making him cum inside of me, “That’s it good boy. My good little cum
bucket. You want all my cum, don’t you? Don’t you baby, my sweet little cum
bucket wanting to take all my cum. That’s my good boy,” he said running a hand
though my hair as he kissed all over the nape of my neck, “That’s my boy.
You’re so good to me baby, so good to me.”
He waited until I was done panting to pull out, putting himself back into his
boxers that he had never taken off and pulling my sheet around me so I wasn’t
naked. I kept eyes closed not wanting to see James staring at me. Not wanting
to have to deal with the after math and the questions he would have as Da got
dressed silently. I curled myself into a ball embarrassed and wondering how I
was going to explain this.
I heard the door open and close quietly and then I felt a little hand grab my
own which caused me to open my eyes. I felt sick to my stomach looking at his
face. Seeing how scared he was, how worried he was about me. I had done that
for him but it still didn’t make me feel any better. I felt gross and ashamed.
“You saved me,” he said quietly, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault,” I answered pulling his hand to my face kissing
the back of his hand as I cried, “I hate him.”
“Did it hurt? Da kept saying it wasn’t hurting and you weren’t saying
anything,” James asked me.
“It’s hard to explain,” I answered quietly, “I didn’t like it though. You need
to keep this a secret ok?”
“Between us?” He asked me.
“Yeah, between us. Please?” I asked him.
“He was going to hurt me, wasn’t he?” James asked me.
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “Yeah he was going to hurt you. I couldn’t
let him. I know it was gross. I’m sorry you had to see it. It’s not fair. You
shouldn’t have to see it.”
“I’m sorry I got you in trouble,” James said.
“It wasn’t you that got me in trouble. He doesn’t need an excuse to do it. He
was doing it when you walked in you know?” I answered.
“I thought so but I wasn’t sure. It just looked scary. He’s never done it to me
like that before. He makes me lay down on my tummy so I was confused,” James
told me.
“It’s huh, just a different way is all,” I answered pulling my sheet around me
and stumbling over it into the bathroom.
I didn’t care what Da wanted I was covered in his cum and mine. So, I wanted a
shower, needed a shower especially before dinner. I wasn’t looking forward to
that night after dinner. I wasn’t looking forward to whatever they were
planning to do to us. I turned on the water and climbed in.
“I have a question,” I heard James ask suddenly opening up the bathroom door.
“Yeah?” I asked closing the shower curtain.
“Da says it’s to make us feel good, right? And that that’s how people are
supposed to love their kids but you say it’s not. What is it exactly?” He asked
me curiously.
“Well you and I have talked about this. That one time when you walked in to Pat
and I kissing you remember?” I asked him.
“Yeah but you said that was different from what Da does,” he told me, “Is it
not different?”
“It is different but that’s because I love Pat like that. He’s very special to
me and one day when you have a special friend you’ll understand it’s normal to
do that type of stuff with that special friend. But Da isn’t a special friend
like that. But one day you’ll meet someone and you’ll want to be naked with
them, to kiss them and do other stuff with them and that’s normal,” I answered.
“What’s it called?” He asked me suddenly surprising me.
He’d be having sex with Da for about a year and half. He’d walked in on it,
heard Matty and Mikey doing it almost walked in on Pat and I doing it and he
didn’t know what it was called? No one had ever told him what it was called.
“Sex,” I answered.
“No, that’s not sex. The guys at school say sex is when you lay naked with a
girl and then you kiss her and a baby grows in her belly and then you have a
baby,” he told me.
“Well huh, sometimes that can be sex, yes. But other times sex is people laying
naked together and a guy sticking his penis inside someone,” I answered.
“Wait so Da’s trying to get us to have babies?” He asked and I could hear his
eyes going wide.
“Huh, no we’re boys. We can’t have babies. Da is doing it because it feels good
to him. Da is doing it because Da is not a good person,” I answered.
“But I thought only boys could have sex with girls,” James told me.
“Ok, listen there are different kinds of sex. What Da does is still sex.
Actually, because we don’t want to do it they call it rape. It hurts. You know
that it hurts, it’s… it makes you sick to your stomach and it’s not something
you want to do,” I answered.
“Wait so what you and Pat were doing was having sex?” He asked.
“No, we were making out. That’s a little different then sex,” I answered.
“I’m not sure I understand,” James told me.
“You’ll understand when you’re older,” I told him scrubbing my skin.
“Da said he knew it felt good to you,” he said after a moment of silence.
“Wha-what?” I stammered.
“He said because your eyes were closed and you were breathing heavy he knew it
felt good. That you liked it,” James said, “Did you?”
“I…it’s hard to explain. Could we please not talk about it anymore?” I asked
him sitting down on the bottom of the tub pulling my knees to my chest.
I didn’t like that it made my body do that. Him touching me made my body react
that way. I didn’t like the way it felt but my body did. I wanted to hurt
myself so badly at that moment. To show my body that I was in charge, not Da.
That I was the one who was allowed to say what was ok and not ok to feel. To
respond to.
“What about what he called you. What is that?” he asked me.
My face went red even though he couldn’t see it. I hated that he called me
that. Usually it was only when we were alone but, he didn’t rape just me that
often in front of my brothers. He’d raped me in front of Will and now James but
that was it. I was lucky it wasn’t worse. That it wasn’t every one of them by
that point. It still made me ashamed though. That he had slipped and used his
nick name for me. The dirty one that made me feel bad in front of someone else.
“James,” I said quietly, “I really don’t… Can we stop please?”
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you sad,” I heard James say quietly, “It’s
like Mr. Lord, isn’t it? How he makes my tummy tickle and feel funny sometimes
even though I don’t like it and I don’t want him to.”
“Yeah,” I answered quietly, “Can we not talk about it anymore, please?”
“Yeah. We should get ready for dinner anyway,” James said to me as I heard him
shift, “I’m going to go ok?”
“Yeah go get ready for dinner Bud. I’ll be out in a little while,” I answered.
I made sure I was as clean as I felt I could be, being the whore that I was. I
got dressed making sure I looked somewhat nice wearing a pair of nice jeans and
sweater because I wanted to make sure my body was covered knowing I would be
without clothes after a while. When I came out I found almost everyone was
already downstairs the only one left upstairs being Will who was dressed but
seemed to be trying to avoid going downstairs.
“Do you know who is here?” He asked me joining me at the lift as I pushed the
button to head downstairs.
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head, “I think we’ll be ok. We just need to
listen to them and everything will be ok.”
“Says the guy who is shaking,” He grimaced at me.
“Yeah, so? I’m nervous, but I promise I’ll do everything I can to make sure you
don’t get hurt bad,” I answered.
“Do you know who else is going to be there?” He asked me cocking a nervous
eyebrow at me.
I nodded my head, “I’m more worried about later though so can we just not?”
“Don’t I have a right to know who’s going to be…hurting me later?” He asked me.
“Leo is going to be there, Mr. Lord, Arthur, Hank, Uncle Ben,” I answered
shakily.
“What?” Will’s face fell, “Why?”
“I don’t know. Because Da wants them to be,” I answered shrugging my shoulders
trying not to cry.
“So, it’s going to be bad,” Will said and I nodded my head.
“I am going to do everything I can to keep you guys safe ok?” I swore to him.
“What do you mean? Da’s pulling more than just you and me? Who else?” Will
asked.
“Will just thinking about it is freaking me out and I need to hold it together
for as long as possible. So, could you please just …” I started but he cut off
my words.
“You need to tell me. Please John. I need to know. I need to be ready who
else?” He hissed at me as the lift opened and we stepped inside.
“The twins,” I answered quietly, “Look Pat and Cole will be there too so we’ll
try to make sure it’s not you three but it’s us all right? Just trust me. Let
me try and keep you safe.”
Will nodded his head. Will knew I would do what I could to protect him even if
it wasn’t enough. He trusted me. He always trusted me because he knew with
every fiber of his being I would do whatever I could no matter how badly it
hurt me.
“Well,” Will sighed clapping me on the shoulder, “Let’s be good and keep our
mouths shut and our tears inside and get through this dinner.”
“Agreed,” I said nodding my head as we came out onto the second floor and took
the stairs down into the kitchen and followed the hallway to the dining room.
When we got into the dining room Da was sitting at the head of the table with
mum on his right and Mr. Lord on his left. Sitting next to him was Hank and
Arthur and on the other side was Leo and Uncle Ben and they were all chatting
with Pat sitting next to Arthur and an empty spot next to my Uncle which I knew
was for me.
“John love why do you look so nervous? Why don’t you take a seat next to Ben?”
mum told me gesturing to the table.
“I’m all right,” I answered quietly sitting down next to him waiting for him to
touch me as I sat down but he didn’t he just turned and smiled at me.
All of my brothers and sisters were dead silent as mum chatted casually with Da
and our guest and I held my breath trying to appear normal. I don’t even
remember what the conversation was about until I heard my name. I turned to see
everyone watching me.
“W-wha-what? I’m Sorry I was kind of just…,” I managed to stutter.
“I asked if you’ve been behaving yourself and staying in school or if you’ve
been spending a lot of time on your knees asking god for forgiveness,” Mr. Lord
summed up what he had said before causing Pat to spit water all over the table.
“Patrick!” My mum scolded, “Teen boys I tell you….”
“I huh…huh. I’ve been staying in school,” I answered it taking me a second to
get past the second meaning of his words.
“Good to hear. After all you might work for my company one day so I would hope
you have a top rate education. Especially for all the money your parents are
paying,” Mr. Lord said.
“So, are you invested in my education or just making small talk to try and ease
everyone?” I asked.
“Johnathan!” My mum warned me.
“I mean I have no intention of joining your company Mr. Lord. Though I thank
you for the offer. I’m going to pursue other goals. At least that’s my plan,” I
answered.
“Maybe for now and call me Lionel by the way,” he told me, “But you will get
older and maybe you’ll change your mind.”
“Never,” I said shaking my head, “Not in a million years.”
“Surely you don’t mean that?” Lionel asked.
“I do. I might be young but I know what I want,” I answered.
“No, you don’t,” Da said looking at me and instantly flashed that angry look he
always used whenever I begged him to stop “you don’t know what you want. You’re
just a kid.”
 I sighed closing my eyes and gripping the edge of the table. I didn’t want to
be there. I didn’t want to sit at that table and have Da tell me I didn’t know
what I wanted just like he did in bed. I might have been young but, I knew I
never wanted anything to do with Lionel.
“Hey,” Pat said nudging my leg with his foot across the table, “We might be
young but we’re not stupid.”
He held my attention with his eyes as if he was saying “it’s ok I’m right here,
nothing bad is happening right now.” As if he could see it on my face that I
was trying my hardest not to freak out, not to lose touch with reality. I
nodded my head taking a deep drink of water trying to calm myself back down.
“So, what about the rest of you? You, James. Are you doing well in school? I
bet you’re a good boy,” Lionel said.
“Don’t you dare talk to him,” Pat spat before I could even say anything.
“PATRICK!” Hank shouted, “Don’t even start with your attitude.”
“Mum can I go use the bathroom?” James asked looking at mum his face pale.
“Yes, you may,” she said, “Is everyone almost done? Should I bring out the
desert?”
“I think we’re going to have some desert later and that we have some business
to discuss. If the younger boys would like to join us for a lesson in business
that would be swell,” Mr. Lord said as mum stood up and started clearing plates
just as Alice and Debbie came out of the kitchen and picked up babies from
their highchairs.
“Ok, John, Will, Mike, Matt and of course Pat and Cole, would you please come
upstairs for a while to the third floor,” Da said as we all stood.
Third floor? That was different usually it was downstairs. I thought maybe
things would be tamer if they were taking us upstairs but I was slightly wrong.
Once we got in the elevator Hank was right up in my space making it hard for me
to breathe as my Da grabbed Pat pinning him against the wall.
“I haven’t spent time with you in a little while,” I heard Da mutter to Pat.
“Can you back off?” Pat hissed looking at him as he pushed Pat’s wrists above
his head.
I hated seeing that. That he was going to make him do that. My blood was
boiling as I pushed Hank away and Hank slammed me hard into a different wall.
 “What is this about? Trying to protect your boyfriend? You think I’ve
forgotten catching you that one time? I won’t ever forget baby but you’re mine
tonight. So, you need to chill and save your energy for yourself because I like
a little bit of fight,” He hissed against my neck barely loud enough for even
me to hear.
I wanted to say no so I bit back anything I had to say as Hank’s hand wormed
its way under my shirt pressing against the skin above my waistline. I closed
my eyes trying to stay calm as I watched the way Lionel was looking at Mike,
Matt standing close by shooting him a death glare because apparently no one was
allowed to touch Mike but Matt in Matt’s opinion. Arthur stared at Will
watching him closely.
When the elevator dinged open they pushed and shoved us into the guest room
Arthur the last in shutting the door behind him. I pulled my two youngest
brothers to me and Pat grabbed one putting himself between them and the adult
men in the room who weren’t very nice people. They looked at us.
“Ok boys,” Lionel said looking at us, “This is either going to be very simple
or it’s going to be very hard. We’re going to play some games tonight. I want
everyone to behave themselves. After warm ups, we’re going to split you guys up
into groups of two and then we’re going to watch you have fun with each other.
There will be group things going on too but first you’re just going to play
with us. I would like to be with Mike because that sweet little face….” Lionel
made a clicking noise and licked his lips.
“I would love to play with John,” Hank said to which Leo sighed and Da smiled
as my insides turned cold.
“Leo, you promised you’d mix it up,” Da reminded him.
“And I will,” Leo assured Da, “Just you know how I feel about him.”
“Yeah, we do,” Hank said, “But I’ve really missed his…well him in general and
you get him all weekend long.”
“I’m going to play with Pat. Of course, I’m sure you already figured that out,
didn’t you?” Da asked Pat looking at him.
“Yeah figures,” Pat said folding his arms in front of him staring my Da down
which caused my Da to shake his head and laugh.
“Cole is mine,” Ben said simply.
“I’m playing with Will,” Leo said.
“Which means that Matty is mine, you think you can handle me?” Arthur asked
Matty who didn’t even blink.
“As long as Lord here is nice to my brother I’m fine,” Matty answered.
“I see what you’re saying about him being off Connor. I can fix it for you,”
Arthur said smiling.
“I knew you would be willing to help. Just don’t be too rough. I just want you
to beat the disobedience out of him. He can keep a bit of the sadism,” Da said
looking at Matt as I felt Hank grab me hard by the hair.
“Come here baby. I want a ginger snap,” he said to me managing to somehow grab
my sweater and rip it down the shoulder until the sleeve was no longer a part
of the rest of the sweater. Until my sweater had spilt from itself, being torn
in half from the neck down.
 “Look at that.” He mused.
He was looking at my chest as the shreds of my sweater fell down my stomach. At
the way my hips curved up into a triangle that you could visibly see through my
skin, my muscle that was barely there on my frame that was too scrawny, too
lank. Still very much the body of a teenager and not an adult body or the body
of a child. I crossed my hands over my chest feeling beyond exposed as he
pressed against me grinding his pelvis against me pushing us into the wall.
“He his beautiful, isn’t he?” Leo asked watching.
I noticed all of them were watching. Their eyes hungry as they all looked at
me. I felt like this was going to be a “let’s all watch John get it up the ass
party” as they looked at me. It got harder to breathe his hands squeezing my
hips working their way towards the fly to undo my pants.
“Hey, are you all just going to watch and ignore the rest of us?” Pat asked
suddenly drawing everyone’s attention but Hank’s.
“Really?” Will asked looking at Pat.
“What?” He asked, “You want them to all just stare at him like he’s fillet
magnon? He’s a person and personally I don’t want to watch them watch that with
their dicks getting hard and their eyes all buggy like that. It’s fucking
creepy.”
“Boys,” Da said looking at both of them, “Shut up. We’re not here for long and
I do believe we have some other things we have to discuss in my office isn’t
that right sir?”
Mr. Lord cleared his throat, “Yes, that’s right. If you boys will stay here for
now, not that we’re giving you a choice, that would be great. Let’s go and
discuss our other business.”
Everyone sighed and they all left the room shutting the door. Pat waited a few
minutes before he tired pulling on the handle only to find it locked and
sighed. He turned to look at us and shook his head.
“What the fuck dude?” Will asked looking at Pat again, “Would you rather they
feel all of us up?”
“No,” Pat answered, “but I’m not going to sit here and watch them watch…,” he
made a crazy gesture with his hands, “That.”
“There are other ways to pull their attention away without saying “yo what
about touching us dirty?” because I personally don’t want them touching me at
all. Ever,” Will said.
“So, what? You’re going to serve your brother up to them? Nice Will. Real
fucking nice,” Pat scoffed.
“No, he’s a person I realize. But, I don’t want their hands on me. Are you
saying you wouldn’t just stand here and wished they would stop without drawing
attention to yourself?” Will hissed.
“No, I wouldn’t,” Pat said, “Trust me. I wouldn’t.”
“Oh, dear lord we already know!” Matt said, “And we’re not saying anything
because we’re not stupid.”
“Know what?” Pat and I asked at the same time.
“That you two are very close maybe?” Cole said smiling.
“Hey! You said you wouldn’t say anything!” I hissed at Will.
“He didn’t,” Matt answered, “James told us he found you naked kissing a while
ago. Like three months ago. It was all he would talk about because he couldn’t
understand why it was different from what Da does so I had to explain to him
that when you really like people sometimes you kiss them. I tried to get him to
ignore the fact that there might have been tongue involved but told him he
couldn’t tell anyone about it unless he wanted you to get hurt. Because I do
have friends and regardless of what you may think of me and Mike we’re not
stupid. We know being gay is bad and that naked kissing is kind of gay.”
“What they do to us is beyond gay,” Pat said, “So how do you explain that one?”
“I don’t know. I’m nine,” Matt sighed, “Look no more naked kissing ok? Because
eventually he’s going to say something in front of the wrong person and my
friend Phil his brother just got killed for messing around with other toys if
you understand what I mean. Because I’m pretty sure when he said toys he didn’t
mean hot wheels. His brother was lot closer to not being in the brotherhood
anymore then you are.”
“You don’t ever leave the brotherhood,” Cole said, “You either sign your papers
saying you’ll keep your mouth shut about how many men you’ve fucked as a kid or
you join them but you don’t ever leave.”
“Cole!” Will warned frowning.
“Oh, please like they don’t hear it all the time,” Cole said.
“Ok, everyone can we please just calm down here? We’re all biting each other’s
heads off and it’s not helping,” I said feeling like I was going to faint. I
felt so panicked, the anger in the room just making everything worse.
“Woah, ok we’re calm. Come on, sit with me,” Pat said grabbing my right arm and
pulling it over his shoulder as Cole did the same with my left. Leading me over
to the bed.
“Why is his panicking?” Matt asked.
“Have you ever been downstairs?” Pat asked helping me sit down.
“No,” Matt answered.
“Well, if you had been you would know why he was panicking,” Pat said.
“Why what’s going to happen?” Matt asked something finally showing but it
seemed more curious then afraid.
“They have things down there, swings, whips, restraints, bad things. Very very
bad things,” Pat said.
“Whips?” He asked.
“Like the kind you use on horses,” Will answered him, “They, they’ll hurt us.
Some of us really bad.”
At that Matt frowned deeply, “They’ll hurt Mike?”
“Considering Lord has claimed him, yeah. He’s probably in for some major pain
because Lord isn’t nice,” Cole said.
“Do, I even want to know what he’s like?” I asked, “I’ve only been with him
alone the one time.”
“He likes friction,” Cole answered not looking at anyone, “As much as possible.
I mean the younger you are the nicer he is about it but, he’s not…no.”
Cole closed his eyes and kept shaking his head. Whatever it was he was
referring to was something that was not good. Cole never flipped and in that
moment, he was totally flipping. He was trying to hide the fact that he was
losing it but he really was.
“Hey, Cole I’m right here with you,” Pat said, “You’re not that little anymore
ok? He doesn’t want us. He’s not interested in us.”
I sat next to Cole closing my eyes taking his hand and squeezing it and he
squeezed back. This was going to be bad. Bad for my brothers, bad for me, bad
for everyone involved. I was beyond worried for Matt and Mike them never having
experienced anything like this before. Having never really been down in the
basement.
“He’s going to hurt us like Da does?” Mike asked.
Pat looked over at my brother and nodded his head, “We’ll try everything we can
to keep you safer all right? But, we’re really limited on what we can do. Even
for each other.”
“What do you mean keep us safe? How would you keep us safe?” Mike asked
confusion written all over his face.
“Don’t be stupid. You know John sleeps with Da so he won’t bother us. Will does
it too,” Matt answered surprising both Will and me.
“You mean they let him do it?” Mike asked just getting more and more confused,
“But why? It hurts and it makes you feel weird so why would you do that?”
“Because if I do it you don’t have to,” Will answered, “You might not
understand it but a lot of the time it works ok? But that won’t work right now.
At least I doubt it would because they are going to take us downstairs and they
are going to make us do whatever they want. Sometimes that’s bad stuff ok? What
you need to do is just try and stay calm and do what they tell you do. Try and
go away in your head somewhere until it’s over. Until they are done.”
“Is Uncle Ben going hurt me again?” Mike asked frowning at Matt, “Because I
really don’t like that.”
“Hey, Cole are you ok?” Pat asked as Cole squeezed my hand tighter nodding his
head but not opening his eyes and not answering. Cole was stark white and I
knew he was feeling it, everything they had probably ever done to him just like
I could often feel it. How it made me want to tear my skin from my body. How it
made me want to scream but stole my voice all at the same time.
“Hey,” Will said coming over and sitting behind Cole rubbing his back slowly in
circles, “Your ok right now. We’re going to be ok.” He said softly as Cole
started to relax slightly.
Everyone was silent for a couple of minutes. We all knew we weren’t going to be
ok. That this was way beyond anywhere ok might ever go. I didn’t know how to
deal with this. With knowing Pat was right there and I couldn’t do a damn thing
to help him. To get Da to leave him alone. To keep Da from saying those
horrible things to Pat that he whispered to me every chance he got.
Mikey climbed into my lap and hugged me burying his face in my chest, “We’ll be
ok. We’ll be good. I promise.”
“It’s not you Mike. I know you’ll do your best to be good. It has nothing to do
with being good though, trust me. I’ve tried so hard to be good my whole life
and that has never…” I faltered.
I wasn’t sure what to say. That being good never did me any favors besides
maybe get me hit a little less, choked a little less but that it only worked
with Da. That no one else seemed to care. That Hank made sure he hurt me, made
sure he made me come until my whole body screamed that there wasn’t anything
left. That it was too sensitive, that it hurt. That Leo was like Da and Hank
combined even though he had less of a thing for pain and more of a thing for
hearing me beg, hearing me scream no at the top of my lungs as he kept going
until I couldn’t find my voice anymore. What did I tell him?
“Look all we have to do is meet their proclivities all right? That will make it
easier. Treat it like we treat being at the Villa. I mean we’ve all been there,
right?” Pat said his face stone cold.
“I didn’t like it there,” Mike uttered barely loud enough for me to hear him.
He was beyond scared now. Beyond afraid probably passing into the point of
numbness knowing there was no way out of this. That he was going to be hurt,
that he was probably going to bleed.
“None of us like it there,” Cole sighed turning to look at him finally opening
his eyes, “Listen kid you’re strong. You’re so strong. All of us are. We’re
going to be ok all right?”
“Anyone remember who they said was whose?” Pat asked.
“Mike is with the leader,” Will answered, “Hank is taking John, I’m Leo’s,
Arthur is taking Matt, Pat you’re Da’s and that means Cole is Uncle Ben’s.”
“You remember that?” Cole asked looking at him.
“Yeah,” Will said quietly.
“Ok Well anyone got any tips for Mike?” Pat asked.
“He doesn’t have a favorite age but he’s nicer when you’re young so, that’s in
your favor. He’ll be nicer to you or so I’ve heard,” I answered looking at
Mike.
“Be quiet. Don’t tell him no. Don’t yell at him. Just be as quiet as you can.
If you have to cry, cry. He likes it sometimes but, do it quietly. If he tells
you to do something, do it. He doesn’t like restraints but if you don’t listen
he will use them and he won’t be nice about it. He’ll make sure they’re too
tight. That they cut into your skin,” Cole said not looking at anyone just
staring at his feet.
“Obviously I don’t need any tips. I’ve done this before,” I answered.
“What about for Will?” Pat asked.
My face went red, “I huh…”
“Hey,” Pat said as he sat behind me and Cole next to Will and started rubbing
my shoulder whispering into my ear, “I’m right here Rabbit you’re ok.”
“It’s just hard to…” I tried again.
“He needs your help and this is all you can give him. God you’re shaking,” Pat
said rubbing my back trying to get me to relax.
“I-I-I’m sorry I just…,” I took a couple slow deep breaths trying to calm
myself down. Stop myself from shaking, “He likes it when you scream. When you
tell him no. When you make sound. He…he doesn’t like restraints either but if
you push him away or try to fight back he’ll use them. He likes it when you
make sound, any sound even if it’s barely a grunt or … like he really likes it.
I don’t know. Hummm… if he gets out anything to use just try to relax. It hurts
a lot less if you can just let it happen. As much as I hate doing that, as hard
as it is if you can just clear your head and not be there, it really helps. He
says stuff like Da does.”
“Ok,” Will nodded his head, “I Don’t know anything about Arthur. Does anyone
really?”
“He likes pain, if you don’t scream, don’t give him sound he’ll get bored and
leave you alone. The more you scream and protest the more he wants to hurt you,
hit you. If you can use, your mouth. If he gets off he’ll just stop. He doesn’t
care about you or how you feel. He likes the whips, the clamps, the cock rings,
electrodes, that type of stuff. So just be as quiet as you can that’s all I can
really give you,” Cole mumbled.
“Da likes to go slow,” Will said, “He likes watching your face as he…huh…”
“If you’re expressive he seems to get him closer faster, to finishing,” I added
quietly, “He’ll use restraints if he wants to but he doesn’t always. If you can
get yourself there faster sometimes it helps but usually he likes to have you
jizz two or three times.”
“He likes to kiss,” Matt added, “He likes kissing a lot, like all over. Uncle
Ben is mean he likes watching you do things with other people. He likes calling
you names. He almost always ties you up and he’ll hit you if you’re not doing
what he wants you to. Sometimes he wants you to scream other times it makes him
mad.”
“He likes sticking his fingers up there,” Mike said weakly into my chest, “He
hurts. Sometimes he uses other things up there too but not a lot. He poured hot
wax on me once from a candle and it hurt really bad and he squeezed me and made
me cry. I hate him.”
“We know,” I said rubbing his head kissing his crown, “We know.”
We were all silent. I don’t think anyone was really looking at anything or
anyone else just kind of trying to prepare themselves for it. For a very long
and painful night. I had no idea how they actually planned to keep mum upstairs
but I wasn’t sure it mattered. I wasn’t sure any of it really mattered because
I already felt trapped just like I was sure everyone else did in that moment.
The fact that we had to give each other tips made the whole thing that much
more depressing. Tips on how to deal with certain people. Tips on what to do
and not to do. We waited for a while before anyone spoke Pat leaning his head
on my shoulder from behind.
“Are you ok?” He asked to which I sighed shaking my head.
“Is anyone?” I muttered back.
“Touché,” he answered simply, “This feels like something really wrong is going
to happen here not like last time.”
“It’s because they’re making us wait,” Cole answered, “Letting our anxiety
build. It’s not anything new. They just want us to freak out before they get to
us. Psychological warfare bullshit.”
“It’s working,” Will said.
“No kidding,” Matt said shaking his head, “You all look scared to death.”
“And you don’t,” Pat commented.
“It’s just sex,” Matt answered, “Sure it hurts a little bit but it’s no big
deal.”
We all looked at him shocked. There was something really wrong with Matty. Just
sex? Being strapped down and fucked in every orifice was just sex? Being forced
to cum until you couldn’t scream or feel anything anymore was just sex? That
was beyond sex. That was torture and yet he wasn’t blinking an eye. And he had
to deal with Arthur. Arthur who would string him up and light him up like a
fucking Christmas tree if he was allowed to.
“You really think it’s just sex?” Will asked frowning.
“Yeah I mean that’s all it is. Just different ways to do it. And it’s not all
bad ask John he’ll tell you,” Matt said gesturing to me.
“John doesn’t like it,” Cole said without hesitation.
“Why does he do it then?” Matt asked, “Da’s shown me videos. He likes it. He
makes sounds and he lets Da do it. Why would you do something you don’t like
not even a little bit?”
“To keep your Dad from doing it to you, dumbass,” Pat hissed, “If you weren’t 9
I’d so kick your ass right now.”
“Why because you don’t want to hear about him having sex with other people?
That maybe they feel nice too?” Matt asked shrugging his shoulders his eyes
cold, “There’s nothing wrong with admitting it feels good sometimes. You know
that, right?”
“It doesn’t feel good,” Cole spat, “Having your body …just no. It doesn’t feel
good. Your brother breaks down constantly because he hates it, because it
doesn’t feel good. It makes him so sick to his stomach he can barely eat. Why
do you think he’s so skinny? He can’t stand being in his own skin because of
what they do and you think he likes it?”
“Da says he does. Da says it doesn’t matter what someone says about it. What
matters is how tight their body gets when he brings them to that place. When he
fills their body with that tickle that feels like sparks moving under their
skin. He says that always tells him the truth,” Matt answered.
“Fuck that, and John. I don’t say this to be mean but, I really hope that my
Dad whips it out of him because he’s beyond screwed up,” Cole said shaking his
head.
“No one deserves that,” I answered, “No matter how sick he is that’s exactly
what he is, is sick. He’s just a little boy, guys.”
“I’m sick because I don’t let them scare me? Because I can admit that sometimes
it feels nice? Because I can tell someone is jealous that you’re with other
people and because I believe Da? If you ask me it sounds like you guys are the
ones with the problems. You’re sitting here trembling scared when all you have
to do is play the game, show them you’re ok with it and maybe they might lose a
little interest. If you really hated it that much you would be more like me.
Less scared more accepting but, what do I know? I’m only nine,” Matt said
smiling slightly, “You can ask Mikey if it feels good without the pain he’ll
tell you that I’m good at making people feel nice. Da says so too and Uncle
Ben. Why be upset over something you’re good at?”
“I’m not jealous. I care about him. I’m afraid for him because he doesn’t want
to,” Pat said shaking his head, “Your brain is all sorts of screwed up.”
“Da says that white stuff only comes out when someone really likes it. If he
didn’t like it his body wouldn’t have the white stuff coming out of it,” Matt
said.
“That’s not true,” Cole said shaking his head, “That’s not anywhere near true.
It just happens. It’s like sneezing, it just happens. That doesn’t mean you
like it.”
“That’s not true,” Matt said a bit of child showing through finally.
“It is,” Cole said, “You can’t believe everything your Da tells you. I bet he
still tells you that the tooth fairy is real and Santa. Well, guess what? They
aren’t. How can you trust someone that would lie about that?”
“What?” Mike asked his eyes wide.
“Sorry bud,” I said sheepishly.
“You’re about a year late for that one. Good try though,” Matt said, “I suppose
that probably not everything he says is true, you’re right. But, with that
thinking how do I know what you say is true?”
“Look it up and trust that we know how it feels. Because this is something that
we’ve been going through a lot longer than you remember even being alive. Ask
John. He’ll tell you.”
“That’s true,” I said not looking at him as Mike looked up at me confusion and
terror written all over his face.
“What happened?” Mike asked.
“I was little tiny… I was,” I sighed, “I was maybe five I think. Four? I don’t
really remember but Da started hurting me when I was small.”
“That’s not true,” Matt said, “Da would never hurt you if you were good. He
says you aren’t good a lot that’s why he has to hurt you sometimes. That’s why
he lets Hank play with you.”
“It doesn’t matter how good I am,” I said realizing what I was admitting to
myself as the words left my lips. That it wasn’t me.
That there wasn’t anything I could do or not do that would make them leave me
alone. That this “punishment” because that’s what I felt it was, wasn’t because
of me at all. I could have done everything perfectly and it wouldn’t have
mattered at all. In fact, they often told me I was perfect. That it was my
fault they liked hurting me because I was so perfect, so good. I stood up Mike
managing to land on his feet as I went into the bathroom slamming the door not
able to breathe anymore.
I felt like I was trapped, like I would always be trapped. I didn’t want to be
good anymore, perfect anymore. I wanted to be something else, anything else.
Those words echoing in my head over and over like a broken record as I tried to
catch my breath.
I heard shouting but it sounded like it was coming from far away and then the
bathroom door opened and Pat hugged me tight rubbing my back.
“It’s ok, you’re ok. You’re human. You’re just human. That’s all and that’s all
you need to be Rabbit I swear to you,” Pat said almost as if reading my mind.
As if knowing that I wasn’t worried there was something wrong with me but more
that I was worried there was nothing wrong with me and that’s why they liked
hurting me because they found everything about me appealing in some way.
I let him hold me as he kept repeating himself over and over, “You’re just
human. It’s ok to be human.”
I felt my heart starting to slow, my stomach moving back into my abdomen and
out of my throat as he held me, as I squeezed him back. This was too much. Matt
and his whatever was wrong with him and having to deal with Hank after Da. Then
having to deal with Leo starting tomorrow morning probably. It was all too
much. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die and Pat knew that, he could sense
that.
After a few minutes when he had felt me calm down he pulled away so he could
look me in the eyes, “You’re right, he’s sick. I’m sorry I let him make me
angry.”
“I don’t think he cares,” I said, “I think he knows what he’s saying isn’t
right and that he’s just saying it to mess with us, to make it worse so maybe
if we just quit talking to him he’ll stop. I don’t know. Sometimes I hope it’s
just a phase but sometimes I doubt it is. He just seems so wrong so often. I
don’t know.”
“I hope you’re right. Do you know what happened to him? I mean to make him that
cold that, mixed up?” Pat asked me quietly.
I just shook my head. I had no idea. My guess was as good as anyone’s. Maybe he
was always that way, born to be cold and unfeeling and we had just never
noticed it until it was too late. Or maybe it was something Da did, Ben did.
Maybe it was because of all the things he had seen and experienced that no one
should ever have to deal with. I didn’t know and I still really don’t have an
answer.
“He shouldn’t be here,” I mumbled quietly burying me head into Pat’s shoulder
as he still held me, hugged me.
“Who Rabbit?” He questioned.
“Leo, Leo shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be… not with Will,” I barely managed
thinking of how gross Leo made me feel, how he pushed into me and told me I was
ok, that I was a good boy. That I was perfect.
“Hey, I’m right here. You’re ok right now. You’re safe right now,” Pat said
rubbing small circles with his finger tips on my back, “Don’t think about him.
Don’t let him scare you, please.”
“He’s going to hurt my brother Pat, he’s going to…,” I had to close my eyes and
take a deep breath trying to calm myself down. They were going to hurt my
brothers. They were going to make them cry and beg. They were just going to hit
them and yell at them for saying no or they were going to laugh and tell them
to make more noise. To keep letting them know what it felt like. The whole idea
made me feel sick to my stomach.
“I know but there isn’t anything we can do. I can’t even protect you and you’re
the most important thing in the world,” Pat told me pressing his forehead to
mine gently holding the back of my neck, “I love you and it’s killing me
thinking about what they are going to do. That I can’t even tell them not to or
tell them to do it to me instead because it just means they’ll choke you and
make sure you hurt or something worse.”
“That wasn’t your fault,” I told him remembering last time. How they had hung
me from the hook and raped me making him watch as the pain from my shoulder
caused me to pass out. How they had looped one of the chains under my chin and
told Pat they would drop the chains my arms were being held from and make sure
I was only hanging from my neck choking me if he looked away.
“I still feel like it was. They could have killed you because I wanted them to
stop hurting you. Because I asked them to stop hurting you. I won’t make that
mistake again,” Pat told me.
“I know you won’t. I only ask that you try and keep them safe for me ok?
Because you know your Dad he’s going to…he’s not going to be nice,” I said the
skin prickling on the back of my neck already.
Pat nodded his head and kissed me lightly on the lips, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said returning the small kiss.
Before I realized it, my tongue was pressing against his lips, asking for
permission and he granted it, parting his lips allowing my tongue inside the
warm cavern of his mouth. He tasted like tobacco and cranberries. Probably from
the cranberry sauce he had eaten at dinner. He felt warm, his nails dragging
playfully along my back spiking my nerves and making me tingle in a warm way. A
good way. I wanted him. Wanted to feel him on my skin, to taste him in my mouth
but he grabbed my cheek softly and pulled away breaking our kiss.
“You know we can’t,” he told me to which I nodded my head.
“I just needed something to hold onto. Something that isn’t them,” I told him
nodding my head to which he smiled.
“I make you feel that much better?” He asked the smile still playing on his
face lighting up his eyes that reminded me of the ocean on a clear day.
I nodded my head breathing deeply, “Yes. You make me forget them. Forget how
they feel. Make me feel like I’m worth it, worth loving.”
“You’re worth so much more than just loving Rabbit. You’re worth protecting,
cherishing. I just wish I could give you that,” Pat told me his thumbs
caressing either side of my face gently as he looked at me intensely.
“You give me what you can,” I answered feeling the flush in my cheeks. Feeling
embarrassed that he thought I was worth protecting because I never felt like I
was.
“We should probably leave the bathroom before someone thinks we’re fucking,”
Pat said.
That caused me to laugh. It was a laugh that I needed, my anxiety beyond
pulsing still. My whole being beyond tense. I sighed nodding my head in
agreement. It wasn’t like we had sex all the time but as far as anyone knew or
cared to believe we were constantly fucking.
Pat opened the door and we walked back out Will and Cole staring at us.
“What?” Pat asked them.
“Have fun?” Cole asked us.
“We didn’t do anything,” Pat said honestly.
“I find that hard believe,” Cole said.
“Cole,” I said shaking my head, “Think about what we have to deal with whenever
they come back. Would you be in the mood to mess around?”
“Fair enough,” Cole said, “Fair enough and thank you for reminding me.”
“You’re very welcome,” I said.
“Ok,” Will sighed, “Everyone can we just be a little nicer to each other
please? We’re up shit creek without a paddle all in the same boat. So, please
just everyone be nicer.”
“You do have a point,” I said as Matt and Mike stared at us curiously.
“Are you two ok?” Pat asked looking at them.
“Yeah, you’re just swearing a lot and Mike doesn’t really… we’re nine,” Matt
reminded us.
“It’s hard to remember that, the way you act,” Pat commented, “We’re sorry.
We’ll watch the language ok?”
“Ok,” Mike said, “Can we turn on the TV or something?”
“I’m not sure that would be a good idea bud,” I said shaking my head, “I mean
they are in a meeting across the hall and if we’re quiet they’ll stay away for
longer. If we turn on the tv or something it might draw their attention
sooner.”
“Oh,” Mike huffed and sat down on the floor, “Are we going to do anything?”
“I’m going to nap,” Will commented, “It’s going to be a long night so I think
napping would be a good place to start.”
“I think you’re actually right Will,” Cole said, “Do we have lots of blankets
maybe we could make some forts and just like hide out?”
The lock made a noise as the door knob rattled and turned the door opening.
They were standing there. I sighed trying to keep myself together, trying to
keep a strong face for my little brothers who had never done this before. This
was going to be difficult.
***** 39 *****
Chapter Summary
     John and the guys endure a long, painful and difficult night.
Chapter Notes
     Ok this is pages 796 to 817. A lot of stuff happens a lot of stuff
     that is very graphic. There is an 9 year old involved and an 11 year
     old in a sexual situation that they don't want to be in that none of
     them want to be in with a 14 year old and a 13 year old who also
     don't want to be in that situation doing those things. It's
     emotionally traumatic for all parties involved not to mention
     physically exhausting so if you think reading this will make you
     physically ill don't read this chapter. I actually almost got
     physically ill editing it which I guess is saying something. Again I
     am not ok with anyone doing any of the things mentioned to anyone let
     alone children. I believe people who do these types of things to
     others should be shot among other things. Warnings: rape by-proxy,
     rape/non-con, forced rimming, forced oral, forced anal, forced
     kissing, mentions of physical abuse. Mentions of spanking and
     whipping of young children. forced bondage, sensory deprivation,
     child sexual abuse, forced sexual assault of an 8 year old and 11
     year old, talk of really underage sexual abuse, mental health issues
“Mum is upstairs and Alice and Debbie went home so we can head down,” Arthur
said popping his head in the door, “Come on guys.”
So that was what they had been waiting for? That was why they locked us in that
room to sit there staring at each other terrified. Nice, that was just awesome.
We all stood slowly getting up from where we were sitting everyone still fully
clothed but me because Hank had so kindly ripped my sweater from my body and I
wasn’t wearing anything under it and all walked into the lift taking it
downstairs.
When we got down there Hank and Da, Leo and Mr. Lord were already in the
kitchen sipping what looked like tea or coffee while Ben and Arthur escorted us
into the room. The air in the room changed so charged with fear it could
electrocute someone as I hugged myself trying to make myself small and noticed
everyone else was more or less doing the same.
“Ok this is how we’re going to do this, Arthur, Ben and Connor are taking the
red room without the beds. We added a blow-up mattress to the other room and
the room is divided into three different spaces so you don’t have to see each
other for this part,” Mr. Lord said, “Everyone plays safe, clothes are left
outside the room for our lovely party favors here and that’s that. For right
now.”
I swallowed as Da started leading us downstairs Hank grabbing me from behind
digging his nails into the skin above the waist of my jeans making me tense up
grabbing the top of his hands asking him without words to stop. Telling him I
wasn’t ready yet that he needed to wait.
“It’s ok, Leo and I had a long talk I have to play gentle he says you like
playing gentle,” He whispered into my ear as he nibbled my ear lobe.
I wanted him to wait, needed him to wait and he wasn’t waiting. My body started
to panic my skin crawling as he pressed hard into me digging his nails deeper
into my exposed skin above the waist band of my jeans. I bit down on my tongue
trying to keep myself from whimpering from drawing attention to us as everyone
else started down the stairs.
“Do you Johnny? Do you like playing gentle?” He asked me and I knew I was
supposed to answer but wasn’t sure how to find my voice until his hand moved
upward petting my chest using his index finger and thumb to flick one of my
nipples.
I nodded my head trying to keep quiet shutting my eyes trying to keep tears
from falling. I didn’t want to be with him. I didn’t want to be with any of
them but I knew I had to, that I didn’t have a choice and I hated myself for
it. For not being able to have a choice.
“Are you going to be quiet?” He asked me, “Because I think I might want to hear
those beautiful sounds you make. Can you make sounds for me if I play gentle?”
He hissed into my ear again sticking his tongue in my ear causing to me squirm
and pull forward when he loosened his grip. He laughed looking please with
himself, “You do like tongue everywhere, don’t you?”
He seemed amused with himself. The fact that he had made me pull away the fact
that my eyes were as big as saucers and I was rubbing the side of my face
frantically trying to get the feeling of his spit off it. He liked tormenting
me.
“I can make you scream if I want to you know? I just can’t leave any bruises or
scratches no deep ones anyway, there are plenty of things I can do that won’t
leave any marks,” He said, “Do I have to make you make sounds for me Johnny?”
“No,” I said shaking my head vigorously. Whatever he was planning to do to make
me speak, make me moan or whimper or whine was not something that I wanted.
Someone cleared their throat and we both turned to see Da standing there.
Watching our interaction, a light smile playing in his eyes but not on his lips
like he was trying to hide the fact he was amused by it. He gestured towards
the basement stairs hinting that we should both go down before him.
“You’ll be good baby, won’t you? It’s been a while since you’ve spent time with
Hank,” Da said looking at me, “Is that why you’re shaking? Nervous?”
I felt like breathing was a struggle, like everything was a struggle just
thinking was a struggle. I focused on pulling air into my lungs and pushing it
out…pull…. push…. pull…push. Over and over trying to keep myself from
screaming. Trying to stop myself from shaking as Hank grabbed my arm my body
following him on autopilot so I didn’t fall over as he forced me down the
stairs Da behind me.
“Clothes off,” Hank said undoing his belt starting to undress himself as I
reached down and undid my pants letting them fall to the ground. I was barely
wearing anything anyway Hank having destroyed my shirt a while ago. I sighed
rolling my briefs down my hips as Da opened the door to the second red room the
one with the beds and I heard soft crying coming from behind a screen in the
corner.
“Please I don’t want to, that hurts,” I heard Mike mumble as someone hushed
him.
“It’s ok beautiful we’ll go nice a soft ok? I’m just going to kiss you first
that’s all,” Lord cooed to him as I heard Mike continue to whimper.
I closed my eyes and gulped trying to shut it out. Trying to ignore my brothers
pleading as Hank lead me to the bed by the elbow he didn’t even wait for me to
fully climb onto it before he climbed on top of me his lips on my neck, on my
skin his weight crushing my chest as he pushed into me moaning happily as his
tongue slid over my collar bone.
“Please,” I barely whispered my hands pressed into my chest by his weight
between us, pushing up into him trying to move him off of me.
“It’s ok baby if you’re nice I’ll be really gentle. I’ll go nice and slow,” he
said.
I shook my head my legs kicking trying to find a body part to make contact with
as they dangled off the side of the bed not finding any as he leaned on his
knees straddling my thighs his body positioned in a way that made it easy from
him to rub his hardness against mine causing me to whimper. It hurt to breathe
still his hand somehow finding its way into the space between my legs rubbing
me pumping up and down my length as I laid there trying to keep my hands from
pushing him away, from making him angry as I bit my tongue to try and keep
silent because I knew if I made another sound I was going to beg him to stop
because I could feel the cold fire moving around in my body. Making me sick to
my stomach, making my head feel dizzy as my chest heaved but very little air
seemed to move in and out of my body.
“You missed me didn’t you baby,” He asked me his hand moving faster his thumb
sliding over my tip using my precum to make the friction smoother making me
jump and wiggle under him making move the lower part of my legs in protest,
“You feel nice. god I’ve missed you. I can’t wait to taste you, to taste every
inch of you. You taste so good you want me to taste you don’t you baby?” he
asked me his voice husky and deep but still breathy as he leaned forward
licking my collar bone again starting to lick a trail down my body.
I couldn’t take it anymore I went to go grab his head his hands intercepting
mine before I could make contact with his skull his hands pushing mine up above
my head and holding them there. I didn’t want this. god I didn’t want this. I
wanted him to stop. I didn’t want him to make my body feel this his tongue
rolling across one of my nipples causing my back to arch as I bit back a sob of
confusion.
“There we are baby,” He said in response to my tiny cry as my lips started to
tremble, “You want to play a fun game?”
“Please,” I said tears starting to fall from my eyes so hard I couldn’t even
really see him my body betraying me with every move he made on top of me.
“Yeah this will be fun,” He said getting off to me and moving out of my view.
I wanted to run but I knew to run would be beyond stupid. So, I sat up pulling
my knees into my chest wrapping my arms around them trying to curl myself into
a ball before he grabbed me from behind forcing me up into the head of bed
laying me down…flat? I remember wondering where the pillows were before I heard
the click and felt the metal clasp tightly around my neck my hands going to it,
to feel what it was trying to figure out what had happened before I went to go
sit up finding all resistance and no give. Making it hard to even turn my head
let alone sit up.
“What?” I asked.
“It’s our game,” He said climbing on top of me my hands trying to push him away
as he laughed, “Yeah that’s right you can fight a little but don’t be mean ok
baby? Because you get mean I have to get mean understand?”
“Let me up,” I said my hands trying every direction pulling at the collar or
whatever it was that was holding me down by my neck making it almost impossible
for my torso or upper body to move besides my arms.
“No, we’ve going to have lots of fun,” He told me his mouth immediately going
back to my nipple biting and licking it.
“Stop let me up,” I said my whole body shaking as I pulled at the collar. I
couldn’t even see what he was doing to me but I could feel it that whole thing
causing my panic to rise my voice coming out a squeak as I kept pulling at the
collar frantic to just be able to move, to see what he was doing as I felt his
hand slid up my inner thigh again.
“NO no, let me up!” I screamed loudly reaching with my hands to find his hair
my fingers entwining in the little hair he has before he managed to grab my
hands and stop me rising above me so I could see him.
“I wouldn’t do that unless you want your arms restrained too which honestly
takes some of the fun out of it but you know there are still many different
positions I can use that way too,” he warned me.
“Please Hank, please let me up,” I said still twisting still panicking not
liking this one bit.
“Why should I? Give me one good reason why I should let you up so you can buck
me off? So, you can try to fight me, I’d like to see you try to fight me like
this. It’ll be fun to see if you can actually aim your hits and kicks when you
can’t see me and watch you squirm and choke yourself every time you move your
head just a little too much,” He said the amusement clear on his face.
“Why?” I asked simply.
“Because I want to play with you like Leo does only I want to do it my way. He
said you can be good I believe you can be but I want to watch you struggle, I
want to see what your body does when it has no way to release that energy once
I get started. I want to watch your face as my finger hits that sweet little
spot deep in your ass and hear the sounds you make when that static has no way
to escape your system,” he taunted.
I saw him moving away from me before I felt his kisses on my torso again as I
held onto the collar trying to keep myself calm but also messing with it trying
to see if I could break it my fingers wrapped around it trying to slid under it
between the metal and the skin of my neck. This was a nightmare how was I
supposed to stay calm, stay quiet when I could feel him but I couldn’t see him?
How was anyone supposed to stay calm when that was happening? I knew I was
supposed to try and stay calm both Mike and Will’s whimpers coming from behind
the weird shield like things in the room separating us all from each other. I
knew I was supposed to try and stay calm for them, quiet for them but I felt
anything but calm and quiet.
His hands moved down my sides down my ribs my whole body shaking as he
continued his assault on my nipples nibbling them, biting them, sucking,
licking. I closed my eyes just trying to breathe. In ….and…out….in…and….out. I
couldn’t see him. But I could feel when his kisses started trailing lower his
hand wrapping around my cock stroking me as I tried to be quiet as I tried to
make sure I kept my crying silent because I didn’t want this.
He stopped for a few minutes and over my both of my baby brothers crying and
whimpering I couldn’t tell what he was doing. Not until I felt him spread my
legs apart climbing back on top of me not until his kisses started back in the
center of my chest.
“God I’ve missed this you just taste so good baby,” He muttered kissing right
above my belly button as I felt something cold and wet circle my asshole before
he pushed his slicked finger inside causing a whimper to escape.
His finger kept moving, kept fidgeting around until he found that spot making
me whimper again this time loudly and I heard him laugh lightly as he leaned
his head against my hip before taking his other putting it back around me the
wetness engulfing my shaft.
“No,” I moaned feeling like I was getting ready to sob as my body responded to
what he was doing, “Stop Hank please, please stop.”
His lips and tongue did something weird making me shut up again as I heard a
shriek coming from somewhere else in the room. As I heard someone say something
to try and quiet whichever one of them it was. Hank opened his throat taking me
deep inside his body his finger hitting that spot every time coaxing my body
closer and closer until my eyes finally rolled my whole-body shuddering with
orgasm. I felt him suck it all down making sure the only thing on me when I
heard the pop of my wet penis leaving his mouth.
“That’s a good boy,” he said, “You taste so good baby just like you always do.
God, I want to make you cum until you can’t come anymore.”
I felt him lean his body forward his face finally coming into view as he pushed
his way inside of me him letting out a moan of ecstasy. I closed my eyes trying
to ignore the fact that he was on top of me, that he was pushing up inside of
me hitting that spot repeatedly as he called me his good boy and told me how
amazing I was. How tight I was how Leo was right and I could play nice, be
gentle and still be fun. When he came I thought he was done. That he would be
finished with me but he wasn’t his kisses trailing back down my skin, my rib
cage.
“No,” I mumbled shaking my head, “No please, please just stop.”
“I’ll stop after I make you feel really nice, after you give me that life juice
because you’re my little cum slut and you love to cum ok baby?” He said biting
my belly button softly.
I had dealt with enough at that point. I pulled frantically at the collar
holding me down reaching out with my other arm trying to push him away from me
finding I couldn’t reach him, that my arms were barely long enough to graze the
top of his head with my fingertips as I found myself hyperventilating wanting
to scream. I finally couldn’t hold it back anymore. My sobs as I screamed as my
body betrayed me in every way it could his finger back inside me petting my g
spot over and over. He made me scream until I couldn’t scream anymore my chest
moving up and down in short motions as I tried to stop myself from gasping,
from wheezing. When he was done with me he picked me up bridal style and took
me into the other room laying me on the floor of the cage.
“John it’s me, I’m here I’m right here,” Pat said grabbing my hand allowing me
to squeeze his hand tightly.
“Why is making that sound?” I heard Matt’s voice ask.
“He’s having trouble breathing,” Pat said, “I’m right here John ok? It’s me.”
“It hurts,” I remember whispering.
My whole body felt like it was covered in ants moving up and down under my
skin. Certain parts of me felt raw like they have been pulled open to wide and
rubbed too hard like I couldn’t get him off of me and I could still hear him,
his words echoing over my skin the pet name baby ripping through my head with
the same frequency as cum slut and whore and good boy and prefect and
beautiful. I wanted comfort. I wanted to be held yet the thought made me sick
to my stomach until I heard the small whimpers as someone approached putting
Mike down at the front of the cage by my feet.
“What did they do?” I heard Matt ask angry.
“I…” was all Mike managed to say before a sob ripped through his little body.
I motioned my hand in the air my free hand telling Pat to pull him to me, so I
could comfort him. So, I could wrap an arm around him and Pat nodding his head
silently in understanding.
“Come here bud,” Pat said leaning forward and grabbing Mike’s arm, “I’m not
going to hurt you you’re safe right now.”
He coaxed him forward and something showed on his face for a split-second
confusing just as my breathing started to slow down as my skin stopped
crawling.
“Is he bleeding?” I heard Matt ask and looked up.
Sure, enough Mike had bleed streaming down the back of his legs. It didn’t seem
like it was slowing down either his whole body from the waist down red and
stripped. At first, I couldn’t figure out how he could have stripes like that
and then Matt asked him again.
“Mike what did they do?” He asked softly touching his shoulder as Mike feel
forward curling his head into my armpit sobbing still.
“I-I-I t-t-t-tr-tried t-t-t-to b-be good, I-I-I tri-tried,” He barely managed
to get out.
“We know you did,” I told him trying to hold back my own tears for his sake,
“We know you did.”
Matt just frowned at us. Before he decided to lay down on Mike’s other side
running a hand through Mike’s hair pressing their foreheads together closing
his eyes before he sat up wide eyed the anger very evident in his face.
“DA!” Matt screamed loudly, “DA! YOU SAID HE WOULDN’T HURT HIM!!!”
Matt stood up rattling the bars using his body to swing the cage back and forth
on its hinges. He screamed a wordless scream pulling someone’s attention away
from what they were doing. It was Arthur and he came over and reached his hand
between the bars grabbing Matt by the neck and slamming his head hard into the
bars in front of him.
“Shut up you little shit,” He said smiling evilly as he opened the caged and
picked him up throwing him over his shoulder holding onto his legs and smacking
him hard on the ass, “I think it’s play time what do you think?”
It took everything in me to bite back a protest. Because I knew saying
something would make him hurt worse, it would be worse for him for me to
protest and I still had Mike sobbing into my side. I was worried with how much
he was bleeding; how red and white his body was. I didn’t know what to do me
finally calm for the first time since they had brought me down into those rooms
because I was truly worried about my brothers.
“Hey bud? Did Lord do that to you?” Pat asked Mikey and I felt his head nod
against my arm his face still buried into my side as I stroked his hair slowly
carefully, “Can I ask you what happened? All you have to do is nod your head
yes or shake it no ok?”
I felt another nod into my side as he pulled himself into a little ball my skin
almost sticking to his still covered in sweat and spit both of us. I was afraid
of what Pat would ask him. Afraid to know what they had done to him. How bad it
had been and also afraid that the bleeding was something really serious that
was going to cause huge problems.
“Did he take out a board with a long handle sort of like a cricket bat?” Pat
asked quietly touching his shoulder making him flinch.
I felt him nod another sob escaping after he had started to quiet down. So that
was what the stripes and welts were from. Mr. Lord had never done that to me or
to James that I knew of. So, whatever Mike had done had really pissed the
leader off otherwise I don’t imagine he would have beaten him like he did.
“I’m so proud of you,” I told him turning onto my side, “You did so good bud,
so good. You barely cried at all while I was in there. I was right there and I
heard everything and you did so good you’re so brave.”
“It hurts,” he muttered through his tears as he started to fall silent again.
“I know buddy. I know and I’m so sorry,” I told him running my hand through his
hair, “But I’m right here and I hurt too. I hurt a lot.”
He sniffled and looked up at me opening his eyes to see my face, “You do?” he
asked me quietly.
I nodded my head, “Yeah I do. Hank isn’t very nice to me.”
He frowned looking at me closely before he touched my neck gently his little
hand grazing the skin there. He just kept looking at it. Touching my neck and I
couldn’t figure out why until he sighed, “He strangled your neck?”
“Huh,” I didn’t know what to say. That he had treated me like a dog? That he
had put a collar on me so I couldn’t move my head so that I was held down so he
could do things to me? Things that I couldn’t see. So, he could make me beg,
make me panic? I sighed closing my eyes for a second trying to think of how to
answer.
“He put a cuff around my neck,” I said quietly as I saw Pat’s head snap towards
me out of the corner of my eye feeling his eyes on the back of my neck before I
felt his fingers there too, “I couldn’t move. He wasn’t very nice to me.”
“He told me if I was good it wouldn’t hurt,” Mike said, “He told me all I had
to do was be still and quiet but…” His lip started trembling as tears cascaded
down his face, “It hurt really bad and I couldn’t be quiet anymore. It hurt so
bad Jack it hurt so bad.”
“I know,” I told him holding him closely, “I know I’m so sorry bud. You have no
idea how sorry I am.”
Just then we heard a shriek another one that sounded identical to the one I had
heard early causing all of us to flinch and Mike to cower into my side shaking
like a leaf. He knew what Arthur was doing. We all knew what Arthur was doing
as we heard the sound of something making an impact against something soft the
smacking sound hitting the air hard each slap bouncing off the walls around us
echoing.
At some point the screaming stopped and Cole hobbled in his weight half
supported by Da as he opened up the cage and Pat moved over so Cole could climb
into it. Da looked at the three of us sitting in there. Mike and I still laying
down in the middle face to face me rubbing his face gently as he laid there
with his eyes closed his breathing finally slow and even because he had fallen
asleep. Da tickled the bottom of my foot getting my attention silently and
nodded his head toward the door.
He wanted me. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that but he touched my foot again
as I tried to pull it out of his reach and grabbed my ankle forcefully before
he hissed, “I won’t ask again, now.”
I nodded my head and sighed my whole body protesting the movement as I sat up
after laying down for so long. I heard Da say something to Pat too, him moving
behind me climbing out as well. Da opened the door out into the hallway the
temperature drop making goose bumps break out on my skin as we stood there
before the room to the other door opened where it seemed like everyone but
Arthur who was entertaining himself in the other room still was with Will.
They were all sitting on the other side of the room as we walked into it they
stopped talking and I looked at the bed in front of us. All the temporary room
dividers taken down. Will was there on the bed a little ball on the bed curled
in on himself. I didn’t know why we were in there until Leo went up to the bed
and ran his hand through my brother’s hair making his form that seemed so tiny
cringe under the touch. Make him fold in on himself trying to make himself
smaller.
“John and Pat are here to play,” Leo said to him loud enough for us to hear.
I gulped and Pat shot and angry look in the direction of their group, “I won’t
do it,” Pat said defiantly.
“Don’t act like you haven’t before,” The leader said, “You’ve laid down with
plenty of people. Don’t be silly.”
“Not a kid,” Pat hissed shaking his head, “I won’t do it.”
“If you don’t Ben will. I’m sure Ben would love a three some with two of his
favorite boys. Wouldn’t you, Ben?” The leader asked his eyes never leaving Pat
and me.
“Oh, yeah. It will be fun, won’t it Johnny? My cock in your ass as you make
sure you hit that sweet spot inside his? Make him moan and beg for more?” Ben
teased looking at me as Da noted my sour look.
“Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it last time. I know you did baby, I told them
all about it. They just want to see how well you handle topping is all,” Da
said coming towards me as I took an intense interest in the carpeting.
I realized Pat already knew. He already knew I had had sex with Will but it was
weird to hear someone else tell him. To hear them talk about it like it was
fun, no big deal. I still hated myself for doing it. I still hated my body for
enjoying it.
“Patrick, you can do it or you can let Ben. who do you think will be gentler
with our two novices here?” The leader asked Pat making sure Patrick understood
what him saying no would do before he said it again.
“Yeah think about that really carefully. I mean unless they aren’t your
friends, maybe they’ll let me play doubles with one while I suck the others
cock,” Hank suggested.
“That actually does sound like it’d be delightful to watch,” The leader added,
“That is if Patrick still isn’t interested in playing. What do you say Patrick?
Are you going to play with your friends nicely or should we let your Dad and
Ben ram John here nice and hard as they steal Will’s breath a little bit?”
“Ok,” Pat said after I saw him swallow hard his Adams apple bobbing as he
nodded his head, “Ok I’ll do it.”
“Good,” The Leader said smiling as Da pushed me forward towards the bed and Leo
got up, moving away so I could take his place.
“Hey,” I whispered into his ear leaning over him as Pat came up behind him,
“It’s me I’m sorry.”
Will opened his eyes and sighed sadly like he was tired, “Cole already did.
It’s not a big deal.”
“Wha…” I started to ask before someone clapped their hands and Will grabbed me
by the back of the neck forcing me forward shoving his tongue into my open
mouth before the word could leave it as I heard laughing and hoots and hollers
from them.
I waited for him to break the kiss before I pulled away. His face looking as
red as mine felt from all the unwanted attention. From the embarrassment of
having to do this before he turned to face Pat and Pat allowed Will to kiss him
forcefully before burying his head in Will’s shoulder and whispering an apology
to him as well.
“Really guys it’s ok,” Will said his eyes cloudy almost like he was somewhere
else. Somewhere far away as he rolled on top of me grinding himself against me
trying to get himself as well as me hard so we could do this but me finding the
tasks almost impossible.
I felt a hand on my hip and looked over my shoulder to find Pat there before he
placed a feather light kiss on the back of my shoulders. Both of them kissing
on me. Will kissing the right side of my neck from the front as Pat kissed the
left side of my neck from the back. Pat’s hands caressing my hips from behind
as Will held the top of Pat’s hands my body feeling a weird flutter inside. A
moan forcing its way past my lips before I could stop it.
“God he’s beautiful,” I heard Leo say breathless. As they all watched my
boyfriend and my brother kiss on me, caress me in-between them.
“Yeah he is. Isn’t he?” Da commented and I could picture all of them nodding as
they looked at us. As they looked at me trapped between Will and Pat. My heart
was racing knowing they were talking about me.
I felt my face turning an even darker shade of red. The heat of my body pooling
in certain places against my will. I didn’t want to do this. Not in front of
them especially but, my body responded to the touches as Pat’s hands left my
hips and started tweaking my sensitive nipples another moan ripping free of my
throat.
Will sighed spreading his legs farther apart so my body could lean forward into
him more as Pat passed me a condom and helped slide it over my erection. Will’s
and his kisses still light. Will pulled me forward making sure our bodies were
lined up as he wrapped his legs around my waist, pulling me forward as my cock
breeched his body causing him to stiffen for a second and let out a small gasp.
I shook my head making sure he knew I wasn’t ok with this. That I wasn’t ok
with being inside of him again. He just placed a hand along the red line going
around my neck still and nodded his head.
“It’s ok just do it,” he told me as Pat straddled behind me sliding himself
past my entrance too making me moan and pushing me into Will who’s back arched
in surprise as I hit against his prostate.
“Shit,” I mumbled.
“I know it’s ok,” Pat whispered into my neck kissing me as he thrusted into me.
My face flushed to an impossible point. My whole body feeling hot, tingling as
I found it hard to breathe.
“They are a fucking hot threesome, aren’t they?” I heard Hank mutter.
“I don’t know,” I heard Ben comment, “I feel like I need to help them with
something.”
He sighed and climbed on the bed beside us his hand sliding in-between Will and
I wrapping his hand around Will’s cock starting to give him a hand job, “You
should touch your brother John. Don’t let it be all about you,” he said looking
at me as I heard Pat shout loudly.
“OH FUCK!” He half moaned as I felt hands pulling my hips backwards as Pat
pushed me forward and he started breathing heavy causing me to look over my
shoulder and give him a questioning look to which he muttered in my ear
“Someone is toss…Shit…oh shit…oh fuck.”
Then I felt it, someone’s hand under us grabbing the back of my balls and
massaging them gently knocking them against Pat’s. I felt sick to my stomach
knowing what was happening. That someone was doing something to Pat while he
was behind me.
His whole body was shuddering, vibrating as he was pressed forward into me
panting. I panted not able to stop the sensations traveling through my body as
I was jostled between my brother’s body and Pat’s. Another moan escaped through
my mouth sounding more like a whimper. My body ready to explode even though I
didn’t want it to.
My little brother let out a horrible cry under me his body contracting around
me violently as he hit orgasm sending me over the edge collapsing on top of him
while Pat did the same behind me. All of us were panting hard, my body felt
like jelly like it was over used. My arms shaking as I tried to support my
weight against the headboard instead of allowing myself to lay on top of Will.
Uncle Ben laughed pulling his hand out from in-between us wiping his hand off
on the sheet beside us. We could hear them talking saying how hot we had been
together. How beautiful we all were. I looked at Will. He still looked numb,
like he was half checked out as they talked about us in front of us. Talked
about how next time they needed to have a camera.
The door opened and we all turned Arthur coming into the bedroom with Mike. No,
no I wasn’t ok with that. Not that I had been ok with any of it but, I wasn’t
going to touch him. They couldn’t make me touch him like that. At least that’s
what I thought as I looked at him. His whole-body shivering and shaking in
fear, his face covered in snot and tears as he looked at the three of us naked
on the bed.
“What are you doing Art?” Pat asked almost a hiss or a growl.
“I thought it’d be nice,” Arthur said shrugging his shoulders.
“He’s 9,” Pat said.
“There’s nothing wrong with nine,” The leader said looking at us, “Just you
know…” he smiled.
Pat shook his head his eyes on fire with anger, “You have to fucking kill me
first.”
“What about him? What if we kill him instead?” Arthur asked his hands that had
been resting on Mike’s shoulders wrapping around his neck in a threatening
manner Will finally becoming animated.
“DON’T!” he said loudly even though his voice was unsteady like he was about to
cry, “I’ll do it even if they won’t. Don’t hurt him. Please?”
Da looked at Will smiling before he looked at the Leader, “Nice work Lionel.”
“No problem,” he said like it was no big deal.
I had no idea what they were talking about. My brain didn’t have time to think
about it though as Arthur practically threw Mike at the bed. Me having to catch
him before he landed on his already bruised and battered ass that was still
stripped mostly red. A red that was now starting to bloom into a light purple
that would only darken as the hours passed.
“It’s going to hurt,” Mike said his voice sounding more numb than anything
else.
“Come here,” Will said wrapping his arms around Mike as Mike hugged him back,
“We’ll be as nice as we can ok?”
“I’m tired,” he said in response, his voice still void of emotion.
“Patrick?” The leader said looking at him, “Why don’t you start? You’re good at
leading.”
Pat sighed heavily. He really didn’t want to do that. None of us really wanted
to do it.
“Mike,” Will said, “Close your eyes ok?”
“Why?” he moaned closing his eyes and laying down next to Will on his stomach.
“Here,” Will said grabbing a pillow and putting it over himself before he
maneuvered himself so he was sitting in the rest of the pillows above Mike’s
head. Pulling Mike’s face into his lap and wrapping Mike’s arms around his
waist, “Just breathe ok?”
“That works,” Hank said sounding rather amused.
“Not fucking funny,” Pat hissed.
“Patrick…,” the leader said in a bit of a warning tone.
“YEAH! I got it,” he said sighing heavily before he straddled Mike’s back. He
honestly looked like he was about to throw up on him.
I felt like it was fitting and maybe he should attempt it. Save us all a
traumatic experience. It was bad enough they had made the two of us do that
with Will let alone with Mike. He leaned forward putting the weight of his
upper body on Mike’s back before he whispered something to him that no one else
could hear kissing the spot below his neck in-between his shoulder blades. Mike
flinched flexing his back, pushing his shoulder blades together at the feeling
of someone’s lips against his skin.
Mike let out a little whimper as Will started running his hands through his
hair Pat kissing down his spine Going painfully slow. None of us wanted to do
it. None of us wanted to watch him do it with the exception of the six adult
perverts in the room. I couldn’t watch this. I …
“What’s wrong baby?” Da asked me wrapping his arms around my shoulders hugging
me from behind.
“Da don’t make them do this. Not to him please? I’ll do anything just don’t let
them do this. He’s only 9.”
“He’s done it before. He just needs to relax,” he said.
“Not with me! Not with Will or Pat!” I hissed loudly turning to look at Da.
“Connor…,” The leader said looking at us.
“Yes, sir. I understand,” Da said looking at him, “You either do this or I’ll
double him with the leader. You want him to experience that? Like you keep
saying he’s only 9.”
I froze. He wouldn’t. That was painful. That hurt me and I was 13. I couldn’t
imagine how badly it would hurt a 9-year-old. I couldn’t let him do that Mike
screeching loudly as Will bend over him whispering to him frantically.
“I know it feels weird buddy but you’re ok. It’s ok,” he said as Mike started
sobbing.
 I looked to see what Pat was doing his finger inside Mike cringing his face a
mix between terror and disgusts. I was still kind of hoping he would try
throwing up. I didn’t know if it would work for all I knew one of them had a
weird vomit kink of some kind. But I thought it would be worth a shot but
instead he closed his eyes mouthing the words “oh god.” To himself before Uncle
Ben grabbed him pulling his head backwards at a funny angle forcing his tongue
down Pat’s throat.
Mike and Will were both shaking they were so scared and upset. Will cooing
quietly to Mike trying to keep him as calm as possible. As silent as possible.
“Connor?” Lionel said in my Da’s ear.
Da had rested his head on my shoulder while we stood there. I didn’t know what
was going on but I was trying not to watch. I kept feeling like I was going to
be sick just watching Pat trying not to barf on my brothers beaten and bruised
ass.
“Yes sir?” my Da whispered back.
“Why don’t you have John use his oral talents on Patrick there?” the leader
suggested and I felt my face going red.
I personally was sure Pat would think he had experienced enough oral talents
from just about anyone for a while. Da let go of me, “That sounds like fun,
doesn’t it?”
I wanted to tell him no that didn’t sound like fun. That didn’t sound like any
type of fun I wanted to have in front of them but if I told my Da no especially
in front of the leader I knew I was in serious trouble. That they would hurt
someone and it probably wouldn’t be me.
I gulped and climbed onto the bed behind Pat who was on his knees bent forward.
I wasn’t sure what to do. My brain freezing for a second. I mean if I ignored
the fact that his finger was up my brother’s asshole it was a pretty nice view.
Me frowning as I thought about it. The fact that he was…with my 8-year-old
brother as I exhaled loudly. Causing him to turn and look at me as Will opened
his eyes.
“What?” I asked them noting Pat still looked like he was fighting the urge to
vomit.
“What are you doing?” Pat asked me.
“We’re going to use our other talents,” the leader said to both of them before
he climbed onto the bed next to our little train and whispered something in
Will’s ear grabbing the pillow. Will’s face going red as he shook his head.
“Please?” Will asked him quietly.
“It’ll be fine,” the leader said to him kissing his forehead.
“But he…,” Will trailed off as the leader grabbed him before he grabbed Mike’s
head whispering something into Mike’s ear as he let out a whine before he put
his mouth around…Will.
“Johnathan?” the leader said to coax me into it. I knew I had to do it. I just
didn’t want to do it front of a group of people. The idea making me feel sick,
“Patrick, your other talents.”
“This is as talented as I’m getting,” Pat hissed looking at him before someone
reached in front of me smacking Pat hard on the ass and someone whispered
something in his ear, “Don’t you fucking dare Arthur. Don’t you even…”
“Then do what you’re told. Understand?” Arthur warned him.
“Mike, I know you can’t answer me right now but I am so so very sorry for this.
Can someone hand me the flavored stuff?” Pat announced.
“Strawberry or pineapple coconut?” Uncle Ben asked him laughing.
“I don’t f…OUCH!” he yelled as Arthur took a wooden paddle and hit him across
the back.
“Next time you speak it’s someone else,” Arthur warned to which Pat sighed as
someone handed him a bottle.
I watched Pat pour a really generous amount of lube over my brothers lower back
as he cringed. Pat looked like he was in pain. I knew that being smacked hadn’t
hurt him that bad I felt someone grab the back of my neck hard and squeeze.
“Now,” Leo hissed to which I nodded my head and gulped before I forced my hand
in between Pat’s legs as he gave a muffled moan. I had never imagined giving
someone a blow job from behind but I wasn’t about to stick my tongue in his
ass. Because watching the face he pulled before he had to…that and someone
pooped out of there. The whole idea just seemed beyond gross.
I grabbed his balls cupping them and massaging them him wiggling slightly. I
tried to go away in my head picture it just being us. Just being me touching
him and no one else. No one standing there watching. No one in front of Pat or
on the bed with us. Just him with me in bed. I kissed his butt cheek as I
cupped his balls rubbing them gently. It felt like warm puddy. It wasn’t a
totally unpleasant feeling. I mean I’d played with his balls before a little
bit but not while he was doing …that to someone else. I waited until I felt him
starting to harden bending forward and licking as I felt a shiver spread up his
spine.
I hoped it was a good shiver but, I doubted it considering his tongue was deep
in my 8-year-old brother. I closed my eyes and just did it trying not to focus
on the moaning and grunting that was echoing in the air around us as they all
watched. We were all silent however we all had our mouths pretty occupied
besides Will and I knew exactly how Will felt. How guilty he was feeling
because his body was responding. His body was responding just like Pat’s body
was responding to me even though I was sure Pat wasn’t ok with what was going
on either. Especially considering every time I saw his face he looked like he
was about to throw up all over my brother. My little brother who was under him
Pat’s tongue doing…I tried to stop thinking about it. Because if I thought
about it I was going to throw up.
I heard Will whimper stopping to look up. The leader was holding him whispering
something in his ear I couldn’t hear. He looked terrified though his whole body
shaking it looking like he was going to have a seizure almost. Like he was
fighting it as hard as he could, not letting him or trying to keep himself from
releasing, from having an orgasm. I remembered that feeling. I couldn’t do it
anymore. Sighing as I sat up.
“Do it,” Arthur warned me before Da put a hand against Arthur’s chest coming
over and sitting on the bed next to me.
“What’s wrong baby?” he asked me.
“Da, it’s hurting them,” I said quietly not able to look at it anymore. Not
able to watch Pat do that with a look on his face like he was about to be sick
and Will like he was trying so hard not to scream his face burning red with
shame and guilt. I couldn’t see Mike’s face, his face in Will’s crotch but I
was pretty sure his expression was filled with as much pain and terror as
Will’s.
“It’s not hurting them,” Da said to me, “It’s not I promise.”
“Daddy make them quit. Please?” I begged him my throat feeling tight, “I’ll do
anything you want. Just make them stop.”
“You promise?” he asked me to which I nodded my head him hugging me before he
used his knees to crawl up the bed whispering something in Lionel’s ear.
This wasn’t fair to them. They were just little kids. It was my job to make
sure this didn’t happen to them and they were making me help. Making Pat help.
Neither one of us were ok with this. Just like I’m sure Cole wasn’t ok with it
and what Will had said they had made him do.
“Come on just relax. Let it happen,” Lionel cooed in Will’s ear loud enough for
everyone to hear before he started kissing Will’s neck.
Will looked like he was about to start crying. His whole body still shuddering
as his chest heaved. He really didn’t want it. Didn’t want it to happen. He had
stayed numb through Pat and I and maybe that’s why. Because he didn’t want it
to happen. Because it was too hard to think about it but he could no longer
ignore his body. Will hardly ever cried in front of anyone but he looked like
he was on the verge of tears a sob ripping free of him before he froze his
whole body going stiff.
“Good job! That’s it beautiful, you did so good. You made everyone so happy.
See, look? You helped everyone feel so good.” Lionel said.
At that Pat stopped getting up and trying to run to the bathroom making it to
the potted plant in the corner before he bent over throwing up all over the
place which almost caused me to barf Da slamming his hand over my mouth tight,
“Swallow it,” he warned me. As I heard Mike coughing and sputtering.
Hank starting Cackling at that, “I don’t think he meant you Mikey but that
works.”
I wanted to punch him. That wasn’t funny. That was one of the worst parts of
giving a blow job was when they made you swallow. He was 8 he shouldn’t even
know what swallowing that was like. Let alone having to worry about it and the
fact that if he didn’t he would probably get beaten. His ass now covered in
dark purple splotches.
Lionel grabbed Will helping him up on his shaky legs leading him from the room
as Hank grabbed Pat by the elbow and Da grabbed Mike picking him up and
carrying him away while Leo walked into the bathroom shutting the door, leaving
me sitting there with Arthur. I didn’t know what to say to him. I stared at him
silently as he watched me. I didn’t have anything to say to him besides to tell
him he was fucking sick and he needed to fuck off.
“Something wrong?” he asked me.
I shook my head. I figured if I said what was really on my mind, what I really
wanted to say things would be worse for Mike and Will as well as Matt. That he
would hurt them because they were my brothers and all of them knew if they
really wanted to hurt me all they had to do was hurt them some more. After a
minute, Da came back into the room followed by Hank and uncle Ben along with
the leader. I knew they were going to do something bad the way they were
looking at me.
The door opened to the bathroom making me jump lightly as Da looked at me,
coming towards me.
“Hey baby,” Da said sitting down on the bed next to me.
“Da what are you doing?” I asked him quietly exhaling deeply through my mouth
trying to keep myself calm.
“Well, you’re such a good boy baby, you really are. You’re amazing really.
We’ve all talked about it and it seems like you know naturally exactly what the
person you’re with needs. Whether it’s me or Hank or your uncle or even Leo,”
he said, “So I have some questions for you. We want to pick your brain.”
“What?” I asked confused trying to make myself small afraid of what they were
going to do.
“Relax,” Da told me, “What do you think when one of us wants to spend time with
you?”
“I’m scared,” I answered honestly.
“Why though? We don’t really hurt you. I mean I know Hank can be a little rough
sometimes and your Uncle Ben has gotten rough because accidents happen but why
are you so afraid?” Da asked me quietly.
“I don’t know. I just am. I try to just do it though, you know? I don’t really
think about it. I just try to let it happen so that it doesn’t have to happen
to someone else,” I answered to which Da nodded his head like he understood
what I meant. Which I’m not sure he did.
“So, there isn’t really any thought process behind it? You just do what you’re
told?” Hank asked me.
“He’s always been good at that ever since he was little. You remember, Johnny?”
Ben spoke up.
“Ben don’t tease him. He’s not going to remember that. He was just little,” Da
said before turning to everyone else to explain, “John and Ben started playing
when John was maybe two or three…”
“What?” I asked confused and hurt.
 I didn’t remember any of that at all. I remembered him doing stuff to me when
I was four, making me lick him on the couch as he played video games sometimes.
Sometimes his hand on my crotch through my pants as he made me watch TV with
him. I remembered Da coming into my room at night and how bad it made me feel
but I didn’t remember being that little. I didn’t remember them doing things to
me when I was that young.”
“He used to think it was a game because Ben and I taught him that’s what it
was. He used to call it our night night game. He liked it too. Until Ben here
got a little overzealous about it,” Da said looking at Ben.
“How many times do I have to say I’m sorry, that it was a mistake?” Ben asked,
“That and he’s the only one that’s this good about everything. So, maybe it’s
not so bad that I kind of slipped up you know?”
“What do you mean overzealous?” Hank asked.
“Well, Lionel likes them young yes and John was used to touching and kissing
and licking but he wasn’t used to certain parts of him being kissed on and I
was working him slowly towards it in a way that we could enjoy but Ben here got
a little greedy one night and took things too far shoving two fingers very
rudely somewhere they shouldn’t have been going yet. After that it took me
forever to be able to touch him again because every time I came into his room
after that and I went to go spend time with him he would ball his little eyes
out and beg me “Daddy I don’t want to play the night night game anymore, daddy
it hurts I don’t want to do it anymore.” So, then I had to stop touching him
for about six or seven months before he’d let me do anything without getting
fussy and waking Danielle up,” Da said.
“Usually the younger they are and if you can be gentle it’s not until they are
seven or eight that they realize what we do is not socially acceptable and they
have to keep it hidden. The ones that like it still after that end up recruit
track,” Mr. Lord said.
“I’d like to start some cute little boys in on it early like we did with Johnny
here. I mean Johnny’s sweet, he’s beautiful. Not that Connor has ever managed
to have an ugly kid in his life obviously. but some of those little brothers of
his…” Mr. Lord cut him off.
“I agree that little one with the darker hair, he’s a sweet little thing.”
Arthur said.
I felt my stomach turn sour. There was no reason for them to talk about him
like that. I already knew Hank was eyeing Malachay. They needed to keep their
hands and their eyes away from my kids. That was the only thing I could think
at that moment even though I tried not to let it show on my face.
“So, do you really think it’s because we started him young Lionel?” Da asked
looking at Mr. Lord.
“Probably, it makes them more compliant in the long run. I mean why do you
think we have such a problem with ones? Because they don’t understand that
there isn’t anything wrong with it. That if you just do what you’re told you
get hurt less. If you don’t break the laws, if you’re good you can benefit.
Which is something John obviously knows. I mean even Hank’s boy knows it to a
point because he can be aggressive and slightly resistant sure, but once you
get him tied down he usually just sighs and lets it happen,” Mr. Lord answered.
“Ok,” Da said, “John baby, do you think that’s true?”
“I don’t remember that,” I answered still trying to fold in on myself trying to
make myself as small as possible as their eyes glanced at me.
 I felt trapped. I felt like they were going to do something really bad to me
like they had before. Something that I wouldn’t be able to ignore. Something
that I wouldn’t be able to get off my skin. I climbed up into the bed away from
the foot of it, pulling the covers up to my chin and making sure they stayed
there even though I had my knees pulled in close to my body.
“You don’t? I wish you did because before that you were always so happy to play
the night night game with me. Sometimes you’d ask me why it made you feel funny
down there but I’d just tell you because one day it wouldn’t feel funny
anymore, one day it would feel good and you’d be ok. Do you remember anything
from being that little?” He asked me.
I started to shake my head but Leo interrupted, “He told me once before he
remembers you coming into his room at night.”
Da’s eyes brightened and he smiled at me, “You do?” He asked excitedly.
I nodded my head before leaning forward burying my face in the sheet. I could
only hide from them for maybe a second because Da grabbed my chin gently
forcing me to look at him, to look into his eyes.
“You don’t need to hide baby you’re beautiful and I actually think it’s kind of
special that remember that,” he told me quietly, “You remember how you liked
touching me? How you wanted to make me to feel good?”
I shook my head and Leo cleared his throat again, “He said he remembers you
touching him and that you’d do it until you couldn’t stop moving around and
rubbing on him and then you had to get up and go to the bathroom.”
“Ah,” Da said, “That makes sense. Things are always easier to recall when you
feel something strongly, especially when you are younger. I’m sure you
understand now why I was leaving and going to the bathroom right?” He asked and
I felt my face flush, “No baby don’t be embarrassed. There’s nothing to be
embarrassed about.”
“Da, can I go now?” I asked.
“No baby. Not yet,” he said.
My eyes widened in fear. They were going to hurt me. They were going to do bad
things to me and I knew it and I couldn’t stand it. I just wanted to leave. I
wanted to go into the cage. I didn’t want to be in that room with them anymore
and I knew I was trapped. I knew that trying to get away would never work, them
being five grown men and me being a 13-year-old boy. There was no chance of me
even making it to the door if I tried to run.
“Well,” Lionel said standing up, “Not that I don’t enjoy his company but I do
have another entertainer I can go give company to. So, you boys enjoy and I’ll
be in the other room occupying myself.”
“Have fun,” Da said as he crawled closer to me. I tried to move away, to get as
far away from him on the bed as I could, “No, it’s ok. You’re ok we’re not
going to hurt you baby, I promise. We’re just going to play a game.”
“Da please,” I begged him as he grabbed my arm to keep me from scooting farther
away from him, “Please.”
“It’s ok baby,” he told me as Hank came up to me holding out a blind fold with
a part of head phones draped over his arm. They were going to do a sensory
deprivation orgy again. The thing that nearly broke me and left me a whining
bumbling idiot for hours last time they did it.
“NO!” I scream shaking my head as Da held my hands climbing on top of me. As
Hank climbed up on the bed to put the blind fold on and forced the head phones
over my ears. Everything going dark and muted. I felt someone pick me up as I
kept begging them not to even though I couldn’t hear them. Next thing I knew I
could feel that collar go around my neck again. It kept me from being able to
move my head or sit up. It causing my panic to grow. Causing me to swear as I
felt weight shift onto the bed with me.
 I felt someone kissing down my center. Leaving fast and edger kisses as people
grabbed each of my arms and did the same. I kept begging my Da to stop. To make
them stop and it was the only thing I could hear. My own voice echoing in my
head as I felt someone slide their mouth around me.
They did things to me and it felt like it lasted forever. Half way through I
couldn’t scream anymore. My whole body vibrating with over stimulation as they
took turns doing everything you can think of. Blowing me, kissing me, shoving
their dicks in my mouth and up my ass. By the time they were done I felt raw.
My throat and my body burning and aching. When they took off the blind fold it
was just Da and I.
“You were so good baby. God, you always feel so good,” he told me kissing my
forehead as I whimpered, “No it’s ok. We’re done. You’re all right.”
I couldn’t help myself. The sob ripped from me before I could stop it from
coming out. I cried like I hadn’t cried since that time in the bathroom when I
had stuffed the rug in my mouth to keep anyone from hearing me. My whole body
hurt so bad I couldn’t imagine ever walking again. Ever wanting anyone to even
touch my hand again.
 My Da sighed watching me. Watching me and whispering words of encouragement to
me. Telling me how perfect I always was, how good I had been. How beautiful.
How that’s why they all wanted to be with me because they loved me. Because
they all just loved me so much and wanted to make me feel good.
Coming over and over again until your body burns, your muscles burn from the
constant contractions ripping through them does not feel good at all. It feels
like hell. It feels like dying would be easier, would be better. He sat there
with me and let me cry it out finally releasing the collar at some point so I
could turn around and bury my face into the pillows to scream it out. I sobbed
and screamed until I couldn’t anymore. My whole being beyond exhausted from
being used, being raped and being told about what they had done to me before I
could even remember. How they had hurt me and how they had liked it. How Da
claimed I had liked it.
Hearing that made me feel disgusting. Made me feel almost worse than anything
else they had ever done to me. It made me feel like maybe if I hadn’t acted
that way when I was too little to really understand, maybe if I would have said
no right away, would have pushed him away and told him it felt bad. Told mum
right away he wouldn’t have kept doing it. That if I had done that maybe he
wouldn’t have kept doing it and eventually started doing it to everyone else.
That only if I would have just said no we wouldn’t be in the situation we were
in.
When I quieted down he sighed looking at me, “You feel better?”
I didn’t answer or look at him. I just stood up and somehow limped my way to
the door knowing he was going to take me back to the other room, to the cage.
He didn’t try to get me to talk to him and when he touched my shoulder I
twitched. My body still crawling, my skin still covered in sweat and their spit
smelling like sex.
“Hey, don’t do that,” he said to me rubbing the back of my neck gently as he
opened the door causing my whole body to tremble and me to bite my lip to keep
myself from screaming again. I wanted to skin myself alive because I just
wanted the feeling of their mouths and hands off of me. He walked me over to
the cage and I managed to climb in by myself finding Pat and Cole sitting there
quietly as my little brothers sat huddled close to them their heads drooping
with exhaustion from the long night.
Pat looked at me and he saw it in my face. That I was barely holding it
together and he cussed softly under his breath as I bit hard into my lip to
keep the scream from escaping, from disturbing my brothers who all looked tired
and like they had cried. Like they couldn’t take anymore. I started scratching
at my arms absentmindedly, digging my nails in hard and raking them down my
skin trying to give my body something else to focus on, something that didn’t
feel like them.
Pat wandered over to me and whispered urgently, “Rabbit you can’t do that. You
have to stop or I’m going to have to touch you and I can see it your face you
can’t be touched right now. So please, I’m begging you. Please stop hurting
yourself.”
I shook my head, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t feel them anymore. Pat, I can’t do
it anymore,” I murmured my whole-body twitching with anxiety and nervous
energy. With revulsion at being stuck in the skin I was in.
“Ok, Rabbit you need to breathe and I need you to stop,” Pat pleaded with me
again as I felt someone in the cage move behind me making my twitching worse.
“Come on, John,” Will said laying a hand on my back as Pat grabbed my hand
gently pulling it away from my arm. Which cause me to look at it. It was red
the skin puffy, inflamed some of the scratches bleeding lightly, “Come on its
ok.”
“No no no it’s not ok,” I whimpered still trying to keep quiet so as not to
wake Mike and Matty as Will rubbed my back gently and Pat hugged me, “It’s not
ok. I can’t anymore. I can’t.”
“Ok, no one is asking you to right now. No one is going to ask you to again
right now. I swear to you ok? We’re right here and we know you’re done. We know
that you can’t take anymore,” Will cooed, “It’s ok. We’re right here ok?”
 They pulled me close to them sandwiching me in-between their bodies against
the back of the cage both of them kind of holding me. As they gently held my
hands to my sides so that I wouldn’t scratch myself, hurt myself as my body
kept twitching.
I remember feeling so tired. So beyond tired. Everything just felt so sensitive
and I was so tired. The smell of Pat just barely there under the smell of sweat
and sex. But, it was still there, just enough to help me start calming down.
Helping my heart rate slow as his shoulder pressed against mine. It took me a
while but eventually I stopped whimpering. Stopped crying and I sat there
between them numb. My head fighting to stay up right, my brain not wanting to
function anymore.
 At some point, they opened the cage letting us out and we all grabbed our
clothes and went up to the third floor, to the guest suite where they seemed to
be content to leave us alone as they went into the other guest suites to sleep
off their own tired.
Will helped Mike and Matt shower and then had them put their soiled clothes
back on telling me he was taking them upstairs as I stared at him numbly.
Telling me he was probably going to sleep with them in his room Matty looking
like he had been dragged through hell on his back. His back covered in welts
and bruises everything from his neck down to the back of his knees black and
blue but no longer caked in dried blood from whatever Arthur had done to him.
Matt moving slowly a whimper escaping every couple of steps his voice mostly
gone. He seemed too tired to scream out in pain anymore.
Cole showered next doing so quickly because he knew Pat would want to be alone
with me, that I probably wouldn’t let anyone else touch me because I couldn’t
even stand the thought of hands against my skin from what they had done. His
eyes looked sad when he came out giving me a small smile as Pat got up offering
me his hand silently. I just stared at him numbly. Not sure how to process it
all. Not sure that I even wanted to. Knowing I would rather forget all of it.
Every bit of it.
“Come on Rabbit,” he said grabbing me gently by the elbow leading me still numb
and in pain into the water Cole had left running. Me hissing as the water
intensified the crawling sensation over my body at first causing me to cling to
him, “It’s ok you’re safe now. You’re safe now.”
“Why do they hate me?” I kept asking him over and over again as he made hushing
sounds holding me close telling me it was ok. That I was going to be ok as he
ran the loofa over my back making sure to get their spit off of me, their
stickiness off of my skin, their foulness. When he was done washing me he
scrubbed himself clean and then grabbed a towel toweling himself off and then
me gently.
“Do you feel even a little bit better?” He asked me to which I nodded my head,
“Good. Come on. Let’s try and sleep ok? Cole and I are right here next to you.
No one is going to hurt you with us here ok?” He said.
 I could hear his voice breaking. Like he was feeling my pain. Like he was
afraid I was breaking or already broken as Cole moved over in the bed making
sure Pat and I had room and Pat wrapped his arms around me, his chest up
against my back.
“Hey,” Cole said reaching out and taking my hand, “You ok?”
I nodded too afraid to say anything. Too afraid that if I spoke I would start
crying again. I knew that my nod was a lie but I didn’t want to talk about it
anymore. I didn’t want to focus on it.
I just wanted to sleep as Cole laid there facing me rubbing my hand gently,
talking softly. Saying things to Pat as he answered quietly behind me. I
eventually fell asleep to the sound of their soft altos whispering on the air
around me. Letting me know I was with them. That I was going to be ok because I
was with them. My two best friends and the only two people that I felt could
really understand me.
***** 40 *****
Chapter Summary
     John leaves for a weekend without much recovery time. His body beyond
     sore and his spirit beyond broken only to be take to Leo's Condo
     where nothing good ever happen.
Chapter Notes
     First chapter of the new Year for John. At this point things start to
     get darker honestly. He doesn't do well from this point on barely
     holding on mentally while his body and mind continue to break down.
     Pages 818 to 838. Warnings: rape/non-con, mental health issues,
     forced bondage, forced orgasm, cock ring, sounding, mental health
     issues, child sexual abuse You have about 300 pages left so it might
     be a while before I update this one again. I'm currently working on
     catching Will up to this point in the time line and because I'm going
     to be covering some stuff in Montana it might take me a while to get
     there. In the mean time though I'll be trying to update Will once a
     week.
I remember the sun hitting my eyes before I opened them. Managing to break
through my eyelids as I rolled over Pat hugging me as I buried my face in his
chest breathing him in, sighing deeply. Remembering I was with him and with
Cole. That I was safe for the moment. That they weren’t there.
“Hey,” I heard him say rubbing the top of my head, “Are you ok Rabbit?”
“I will be,” I answered hugging him, “I don’t want to anymore.”
“I know,” he whispered into the crown of my head, “I’m sorry that I can’t do
anything to stop it. You want to get up and shower again?”
I nodded my head stretching and sitting up just as someone quietly knocked on
the door stirring Cole to life behind me him putting his hand on my shoulder
and pulling me back down. The door opened, no one waiting for a reply to find
the three of us laying down in bed together naked and I heard a heavy sigh full
of lust before Pat turned and looked to see who it was. I was too scared to
look up. To know.
“Hi guys, get dressed it’s time to go. You guys didn’t do anything, did you?”
Hank asked his eyes probably at them but, looking at me.
“After last night? No,” Pat hissed, “You think any of us would be in the mood
to do anything after that?”
“You all seemed to enjoy it last night,” Hank answered, “So for all I know you
wanted to continue the party on your own. I mean I know I’d personally love
some more alone time with him after that performance last night. Made me want
to breed him.”
“Eww fucking gross Hank!” Cole hissed, “Do you even know what the hell that
means?”
“Yes, Cole and you better hope I don’t tell Art that you just swore at me,”
Hank said, “Just get up and dressed and we’ll head out. John, Leo wants you to
go upstairs and get dressed so you can leave for your weekend.”
“Can you leave so we can get dressed without you eyeing us like we’re steak?”
Cole asked.
“Cole dear, you do have a sweet ass but you’re not really my type if you get my
meaning. That and I saw plenty of all three of you last night so why be shy
now?” Hank said.
“Dad, please?” Pat said quietly, shocking me.
Pat usually responded to Hank with distain and venom. I had never heard him
plead with Hank for anything. Ask him nicely for anything at all. To hear him
actually beg Hank for some privacy while we got dressed was unnerving.
Hank sighed looking at us. Cole his blond hair mused sticking up at odd angles
his blue eyes still foggy with sleep leaning back lightly trying to keep his
weight off places that were sore. Pat on my other side his hair hanging into
his face biting his bottom lip moving his lip piercing with his teeth his eyes
sad pleading Hank. And me in the middle the sheet pulled up to my chest not
wanting to look at him, not wanting to see Hank see me or think of what I knew
he was thinking, who his type was.
“Yeah ok,” Hank said, “I’ll be outside get dressed and get ready to go.”
He left and we all sat there for a minute. My heart beating against my chest
like a boxer against a punching bag. My skin feeling over exposed even though
it was covered. Even though he couldn’t really see the parts of me that I knew
he wanted to see, that I wanted so desperately to hide.
“Well, I guess it’s time to go home,” Cole said standing up and going over the
corner where his clothes were piled, “This bites. I’m still sore.”
“You’re still sore?” Pat asked, “How many times last night?”
“How many people you mean?” Cole scoffed, “three, four if you count Will.”
“What did they even do to you?” Pat asked.
“You really want to know?” Cole asked.
“I don’t know. I’m just curious because it’s not like we talk about what they
do exactly you know? So just wondering,” Pat answered.
“Guys, before you go any further can I ask that we not have this conversation?”
I asked quietly.
“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head, “Yeah you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t want to talk about it,” I said, “I don’t want to
hear about it and I don’t want to know what they did. Not even to me so…”
“You don’t know what they did to you?” Cole asked confused.
“No, I do. I just wish I didn’t,” I answered.
I wasn’t really sure who had done what when the blindfold and headphones went
on but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel it. I mean tongues and hands and lips all
feel more or less the same but sometimes other things feel different from
person to person, taste is a little different too sometimes. So, I could guess
who had done what from those things but it wasn’t something I wanted to think
about.
“Are you really going to be ok?” Cole asked me looking at me his brow furrowed,
“I mean usually the day after you’ve always been kind of stand offish and non-
disclosure about it all but usually you don’t really say anything if we talk
about it.”
“I just don’t want to hear about it ok?” I answered, “I’m fine though. I
swear.”
“What about Leo?” Cole asked me and I felt like I had been punched in the gut.
“What about him? I have to deal with him anyway. I don’t have any choice in it
so why does it matter?” I asked my voice sounding a little more harsh then I
meant it to.
“Of course, it matters,” Cole answered, “Why would it not matter that he’s
going to shove his dick up your ass after whatever it was they did to you last
night? Why wouldn’t it matter?”
“Because it’s not like anyone can stop it,” I answered feeling my whole body
shaking. Feeling like it really didn’t matter. Like it was going to happen over
and over again no matter what anyone did because I was me. Because I existed
and they wanted to use me so they would. That it didn’t matter how I behaved,
how I looked, what I did. That I was theirs and I knew it. Just like they did
and so did everyone else.
“Hey,” Pat said sanding up after pulling his sock on, “You are more then what
they think you are. More then what you think you are. It matters because you
matter. It matters because you’re tired and you’ve had more than enough ok
Rabbit? That’s why it matters and it matters most importantly because I love
you. We love you. Don’t we, Cole.”
“Yeah man,” Cole agreed nodding his head, “I mean I don’t love you the same way
he does obviously but you’re like one of my best friends. Of course, I love
you.”
“Thanks, but that’s not going to stop him,” I replied quietly.
“Ask him, maybe he’ll surprise you,” Cole answered, “I mean I’ve only been
contracted once but sometimes he was ok he just…most of the time wasn’t but if
I really made it clear that I was beyond not comfortable with something he’d
back off sometimes.”
“You were in a contract once?” I asked.
“Yeah I was a kid. I don’t like talking about it but yeah it happened,” Cole
answered shrugging his shoulders.
I nodded my head thinking of how upset he had been before they had lead us
downstairs. Talking about Lord and the stuff he was into. How I knew for a fact
he was into younger boys and the pieces just kind of fit. How he would
understand that detail about the leader what he liked, how he was.
“Yeah just like make sure he knows ok? See what he does he might be
more…receptive to you,” Cole said patting my shoulder gently, “Just try it. See
what happens.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted out loud to them, “I’m scared that he’s going to make
me do the things they made me do last night. And I don’t want to do that again.
I don’t want …I don’t want him to tie me up and blindfold me. I don’t want to
hear what he has to say about me. I don’t want…”
“Shhh hey we know. I know it’s ok,” Pat said hugging me suddenly, “Shhh…. Shhh,
it’s ok Rabbit. I know you don’t. I know. But you want to know something?
You’re so strong. You’re so strong Rabbit and you’re going to get through this
weekend and I’ll see you Monday. You are so strong. I can’t even…” He stopped
looking at me closely his eyes staring into my soul. I didn’t feel strong. I
felt like nothing. I was nothing as far as I was concerned.
“Hey,” Cole said and I felt him hug me from behind, “Hey you’re safe right now
ok? You just have to hold out. It won’t be much longer before you out grow
them. Before we’re done with this. Then all you have to worry about is getting
them to keep their hands off your siblings because they won’t be interested in
you anymore, all right?”
“16,” I said barely above a whisper.
“What?” Cole asked behind me.
“Leo likes guys up to 16 usually. That’s three years from now,” I clarified.
“Oh,” Cole said letting me go slowly.
It was like he didn’t know what to say. If there was even anything he could
say. I had basically told him I had at least three more years of hell left.
Three more years before I could be alive or as close to it as I would ever be.
Three more years under water.
“Hey, it doesn’t matter 3 months or three years I’ll still be here and when we
leave we leave together ok?” Pat told me grabbing the back of my head firmly
but gently and kissing me to which I heard Cole clears his throat before a pair
of pants hit me in the back of the head ended up draped over top of us.
“Break it up before you get your asses caught,” Cole scoffed as Pat grabbed the
pair of pants that were on my head smiling at me sadly and then handing it to
me.
“If it makes you feel better I probably have to see Gus,” Pat whispered in my
ear hugging me still.
“Not really,” I answered, “Thank you for that though. Reminding me I’m not
alone. That it’s not just me. I mean I know they did things to you and you
too,” I turned to Cole, “I mean I know they did it’s just. I feel them all the
time especially after they…”
“We get it,” Cole said, “Trust me. I understand.”
“Yeah, I know it’s just hard,” I answered, “Thanks.”
“Yeah, good luck we’ll see you Monday all right?” Cole told me.
“Yeah thanks,” I said nodding my head pulling my pants up my naked hips and
doing them up because I figured it didn’t matter just as there was another
knock on the door and this time it was Hank with Leo.
“You ready to go boys?” Hank asked, “Art’s downstairs ready to go.”
“Yeah, we’re ready,” Pat said nodding his head as both him and Cole looked at
me sadly. I saw the pity in their eyes but I saw the love in Pat’s. How
desperately he wanted to hold me, to tell them to fuck off. To tell them to
leave me alone before he turned and walked out the door.
“Go on I’ll be there in a minute,” Hank said as Pat and Cole kept walking but
slowed down slightly.
Hank came further into the room looking at Leo who nodded before he looked at
me. I gulped knowing this wasn’t good. Whatever this was I didn’t want it and
it wasn’t good.
“Leo?” I asked quietly as Hank just kept coming closer, getting closer as I
felt like I was panicking like there wasn’t anything I could do.
“It’s ok baby he just wants to say good bye,” Leo said watching us.
“No please,” I said shaking my head looking at Leo, “Please?”
“Hey, it’s ok. You have permission. You don’t need to be upset. Go ahead and
say good bye,” Leo coaxed.
“Leo please,” I said again as Hank grabbed my hips tightly closing the distance
between us. He grabbed me hard and started kissing my neck and I felt frozen.
Dead almost. Leo just watching him, watching him bite and nibble on my neck.
Watching his hands slid under the waist bands of my jeans as I closed my eyes
trying to block it out. Trying not to go into that part of my head that
screamed everything any of them had ever said to me.
He wouldn’t stop him though. Leo wouldn’t make him stop he just watched.
Watched as Hank forced his tongue past my lips and rolled it across my teeth
over my tongue and against the roof of my mouth. Watched as I struggled as I
balled my hands into fists to keep myself from reaching out, from trying to
push Hank away. When Hank was done he let me go and I fell to the floor. My
feet feeling numb, my knees feeling weak and they both laughed. It sounded far
away but I could still hear it and then he said something to Leo and left.
“What do you think about that baby?” Leo asked me those words finally managing
to reach through the fog I felt like I was drowning in.
“W-what?” I asked.
“He wants a playdate with us, just the three of us. What do you think about
that?” He asked me coming towards me and before I could protest hooking his
hands under my armpits and pulling me back to my feet.
I shook my head. I wasn’t sure it was safe to speak. I wasn’t sure that
anything was ever going to safe again. It was bad enough I had to deal with Da
and Leo let alone Hank too. I felt like I needed a strong drink but that
anything I could get my hands on wouldn’t be strong enough to erase the feeling
of them on my skin. That no shower could ever be hot enough. That I was just a
toy and not a person at all.
“Aww, he might be disappointed to hear that. I thought I was making a new
friend, maybe we should discuss it again later?” He suggested, “Are you ready
to go?”
“Can I go grab a shirt?” I questioned quietly afraid to hear his answer.
“You know you won’t need one so I don’t know why you’re so worried about it,”
he answered, “I think we should just go, we can pick up some take out on the
way to the condo if you want. Just kind of bum around. Speaking of bums how are
you feeling?”
“Tired,” I answered simply.
“You’re Dad said you cried last night,” Leo mentioned casually.
“Yeah, I was just super tired,” I answered.
“Really? Because you hardly ever cry like that he said,” Leo commented.
I shrugged my shoulders, “Why do you care?”
“You’re my boyfriend why wouldn’t I care? You’re important to me John,” he
said, “So of course I care.”
So that’s what he thought of me? I was his boyfriend. I wasn’t some kid he
raped every weekend in his mind or someone his son went to school with that his
son enjoyed tormenting, I wasn’t just someone he liked to gang rape with his
friends. I was his boyfriend.
“If you really cared you wouldn’t hurt me,” I answered.
“You think I hurt you? You don’t know what hurt is. I could hurt you if you
like. Invite Allan over. I’m sure you remember him? Think about what he did and
compare it to what I do. Do you still think I hurt you?” He hissed his hand
raised like he was going to slap me.
“I’m sorry,” I said quickly putting my hands up in front of my face to protect
myself.
“Good,” he said lowering his hand, “I know you don’t understand yet but one day
you will I promise. I love you baby. I really do and I’m just trying to teach
you things that’s all this is. Your Da and I and even Hank we love you, ok? We
really do.”
I just nodded my head not sure there was anything I could say to that. Not sure
there was anything I could do to make him understand that he hurt me. That I
didn’t want him, any of them touching me like that. That it hurt. That feeling
of uncomfortable fullness when they shoved themselves inside of me, when they
whispered those things against my skin. How perfect I was, how I was such a
good boy, how they loved me. How I was amazing and how I felt good, tasted
good. I wasn’t sure what I could do or say to convince him those things hurt
almost more than having my ribs beat in.
“Ok let’s go,” he said and I followed him out the door numbly. He didn’t speak
to me again until I had climbed into the SVU still bare chested and tired and
buckled myself in wishing I had a shirt so that people couldn’t see me. So,
that I wasn’t exposed, the scars covering my chest and back visible for the
world to look at.
“You were good last night at least for the most part,” he said and when I
didn’t say anything in response he continued talking, “Until Ben decided to pet
that sweet spot while he did this thing with his mouth. I’ve never seen anyone
do before then you started to whimper loudly it was the sweetest noise though
but it really seemed to upset your Da.”
“He doesn’t like it when I say stuff,” I answered quietly.
“I know, I love all the sounds you make. Even if it’s pleading with me to stop
because you don’t understand what’s happening,” Leo answered.
“I know what’s happening. I just don’t want it to happen,” I answered.
“That’s what your brain says but your body is saying something entirely
different. We made you cum twice just from milking your prostate last night,”
he said almost laughing about it making me shiver, “Don’t be upset about it.
It’s not a big deal. It’s actually kind of cute that you’re that sensitive to
it.”
“I hate my body,” I muttered.
“Well I love your body. You’re perfect. You fit me like a glove and I think I
said that out loud last night too. Hank asked if he could bareback with you
some time because he wanted to know what it was like to fill you up,” Leo said.
“I thought the brotherhood was about safety,” I answered.
“It is usually but we could make an exception. Me and your Dad if we agree to
it. I have to say it is rather arousing when you get up to shower after we’re
finished and I can see my seed dripping from you. It’s actually really hot
makes me want to clean you up myself sometimes,” he said putting his hand on my
upper thigh and squeezing it which caused me to make a strangled sound in the
back of my throat, “Calm down. Nothing until we get home ok?”
“I feel like I need a break,” I said remembering what Cole said to me. That I
should ask for a break, make him aware of how bad I felt. How close to losing
my mind I was because they wouldn’t keep their hands off of me, because they
kept doing things to me.
“I know baby,” he said sighing as he took his hand off my leg and put it back
on the steering wheel, “I know that seems to be something you don’t like the
hearing and sight minimization but it makes your tactile senses go wild you
realize, that right?”
“You mean it makes me acutely aware that someone is licking my fucking hip
while someone else blows me and there’s a finger up my ass while someone’s dick
in is in my mouth and someone else keeps nibbling and licking my chest? Yeah no
fucking kidding,” I hissed.
“Oh, baby calm down. I’m not trying to upset you. It’s just fun,” Leo
commented.
“It’s not fun. It’s really not fun,” I insisted.
“Why not?” He asked me.
“It hurts. Because it fucking hurts ok? You may think it doesn’t but it does.
It fucking hurts everything feels like it’s asleep or on fucking fire and I
don’t like it. Out of all of the stuff you guys do to do me that is one of the
worst things you do and I HATE IT,” I said gasping my breathing shallow as I
tried to hold back the tears trying to escape from my eyes.
“Ok,” Leo said not looking at me nodding his head at the traffic in front of
him, “All right. I’m glad you were honest about that. Is that why you’re always
so upset after it happens? Because we’ve only done it twice and both times Art
said you had a problem with shaking. That looked like you were zoning out
really bad and were really jumpy and didn’t want anyone coming near you.”
“Yes. You don’t know what it feels like. How bad it fucking hurts how much it…”
He cut me off.
“I do now because you just told me. I will talk to you Dad and we’ll see if
that’s something he won’t allow to happen anymore, all right?” Leo said to me.
I just nodded my head quickly trying to slow my breathing and my heart rate.
Hoping that maybe he was telling the truth. That maybe he would talk to my Da
and my Da would listen to him. Would understand it was something that while I
hated everything they did I found nearly unbearable to deal with. He hit the
turn signal and hit the garage door opener pulling in and allowing the garage
to close behind us before we got out of the car.
I sighed knowing I was trapped. That this was my weekend starting the same way
it always did. That I would have to ask quietly to see if he would let me keep
my clothes, my pants considering I didn’t have anything else on. As we walked
up the stairs and he unlocked the door letting us inside he looked at me. That
look in his eyes and then he said the word like it was a curse he was throwing
out into the air.
“Clothes.”
“Leo,” I said quietly not even daring to look him in the eyes, “Can I keep my…”
“No. You don’t need Jeans unless we’re going out so you can take them off.
Now,” he said.
I hugged myself feeling my naked chest against my arms knowing that I wouldn’t
win this one. That he was going to take them away and I was stuck. That he
wouldn’t give me a shirt either. That he wanted to see my bare skin, every inch
of it. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to feel this exposed not now, not
ever.
“Leo, please?” I asked him again quietly.
“No, listen. I know you feel vulnerable. That you’re scared but I’m not going
to hurt you baby ok? I love you. I would never hurt you. I just want you to be
accessible, all right? Just in case we feel like being affectionate,” Leo said.
“Leo, please don’t make me. I already feel naked. My skin is crawling. I just
need a shower please,” I begged.
“You need to take your pants off in order to shower so why not take them off
here? I promise I won’t hurt you baby just…” He pushed me against the door that
he had closed behind us.
His hands traveling down my rib cage and to my hips. His hands easily
separating the button from its hole on the front of my jeans allowing the
loose-fitting pants to slide down on their own falling off my naked hips his
eyes falling downward in the direction of my pants making me shiver. I tried to
use my hands to cover myself, to cover that part of me so he couldn’t see it
and instead he grabbed my wrists hard before my hands could make the journey
making me whimper and my face turn red causing my throat to ache as my sob
started clawing at my throat looking to escape.
“It’s ok baby,” he told me, holding my hands rubbing the top of my right hand
gently with his thumb, “It’s ok I know you’re nervous but I’m not going to hurt
you ok? This is about you, making you feel good all right.
“I don’t want to,” I somehow managed to get past my lips without letting the
sob loose that was stuck in my throat waiting to burst forth like water
breeching a dam.
“Hey, you’re all right I promise,” he said again kissing my cheek pulling me
forward and picking me up bridal style. His eyes boring into me, seeing
straight into my soul. Seeing my protest and smiling at it. Taking pleasure in
my discomfort. In the fact that I didn’t want him to touch me, to put his hands
there, his mouth there and I knew he was going to. He was going to make me lay
down while his hands and tongue went there and I wanted to scream, wanted to
die.
He carried me past the couch and into his bedroom setting me down slowly on the
bed. He swung his one leg over top of me straddling my hips as he playfully
pushed my arms above my head into the pillows his tongue finding the exposed
crook of my neck making me close my eyes and grit my teeth. His mouth causing
my spine to light on fire as he kissed me. His other hand eventually finding
the pressure points behind my jaw and pushing on them lightly forcing my mouth
open before his tongue found its way into my mouth as my lips started to
tremble because I knew what he was doing. His hips grinding down hard against
my nakedness, making the whole thing unbearable. The fabric of his pants
erupting goose bumps over my body, the friction too much for me to be able to
stand.
“God, you taste so good. Always so good,” he whispered into my mouth before his
kisses moved down my chin to the center of my sternum.
“Stop,” I begged using all the strength I had in my arms to push up against his
hands that were holding my arms in place and finding my strength wasn’t enough
to force any give from his muscles, “Please Leo. Please don’t, please don’t.”
“Shhh, it’s all right baby,” he said into the center of my chest the words
causing his lips to brush against my skin as I tried to wriggle. To just move
and buck him off of me, anything. This felt painful each nerve in my body
already on fire from what they had made me do the night before.
“Stop, GOD STOP!” I begged the tears finally coming, the sobs finally breaking
free. Not even words just loud earth-shattering sobs that sounded inhuman. That
I found hard to believe were coming from me. Sobs like my soul was dying
because it was. I was accepting the fact that, that what he was doing was all I
was. I was sex. Walking talking sex for anyone to take and do what they wanted
with.
“Just let it happen baby you’ll be so much happier,” Leo breathed against my
neck as I pushed at his arms helplessly trying to get him to stop and he
smiled, “No, calm down. Let it happen or I will restrain you and we’ll play
other games ok?”
“I-I-I’m t-t-t-tired pl…please,” I begged.
“Come on baby. I’ll make you feel real nice. I swear, make you come real hard,”
he said pushing me down harder, his weight shifting. His knees struggling to
push my legs apart, to open me up to him so he could penetrate me.
I screamed. I screamed and sobbed wishing he would just stop. That he wouldn’t
do this to me. His knees finding the pressure points he was looking for,
forcing my legs apart. I had really had enough and didn’t want anymore. I
wanted a shower. I wanted a mouthful of pills so I never had to wake up again.
I wanted anything and everything but what he was doing.
He got mad his hand going to my neck squeezing. The pressure causing my ears to
pop, causing me to stop trying to push him away. He wasn’t cutting off my air
but making sure I was uncomfortable enough that I realized he wasn’t messing
around. That he would hurt me if I didn’t stop whatever it was I was doing that
he didn’t like.
He smiled at my stillness my lack of sound as I looked at him, “There we go.
Just let it happen baby,” he said not preparing my body just slowly pushing
into me the burn hurting, making me bit my tongue to keep from screaming.
It didn’t take him long to get inside, coating himself in lube and shoving his
way in. It took him even less time to find that rhythm snapping his hips and
rolling them so that it hit that place sending spots flashing across my eyes
and fireworks down my spine. The pressure building felt weird making my face go
red. Making it hard to breathe, making me pant despite the pain because it was
so mixed with pleasure that spot burning brighter and brighter inside of me
with pleasure like a star getting ready to explode.
“There you go baby,” he said my mouth opening and closing repeatedly as I tried
to keep myself silent, to keep myself from moaning, “That’s it, that’s the spot
huh? Yeah it is, isn’t it? God, you feel so good baby. So, tight and hot.
Better than any pussy I’ve ever had. Are you going to cum for me baby? Come
nice and hard for me?”
He looked at me closely thoughtfully and then slowed his pace. His hips rocking
backwards, rolling outwards pulling him away from my body slowly, out of my
body. Hitting something just the right way that a moan finally broke past my
voice box. I felt humiliated that he could do that. Make me moan, make those
sounds, feel that tingle up and down my spine. The slowing of his pace made it
so pleasurable it was painful my body starting to shake.
“Just come for me baby, we can come together,” he said rolling his hips inward
again.
“Ahh,” Escaped from my mouth to which he smiled burying his face into my neck
as he pushed forward. Him biting my skin there excitedly as more moans
continued to escape from me. Him not even pulling out all the way anymore.
“I’m so close baby and I know you are too. Let’s come together ok?” He
whispered into my neck one of his hands reaching in between us grabbing me,
rubbing forcefully. Before I could stop myself, I was mewling while I came
hard. All of my muscles locking up on me as I coated our stomachs in jizz and
he exploded inside me sending that sticky hotness up into my passage. He rolled
off of me before pulling me to his chest stopping me from getting up.
“Beautiful,” he panted into my ear kissing down my side. When his teeth and
tongue grazed my hip bone I tried to pull away jump up. Knowing what he was
going to do since I was finished. Since I was beyond done.
“No,” I said trying to push him away to which he grabbed my balls squeezing
lightly the action threatening pain. Very serious pain making me stop fighting.
“There we go,” he said his mouth sucking where his hand had just been sending
cold sparks up through my body again. I let him do it my back arching as he
slid is tongue along the underside of my shaft my breath hitching again as I
started to reharden.
Apparently, my body wasn’t responding to him fast enough because I felt a
finger slid inside me tickling that spot again. I closed my eyes and just “let
it happen” my brain going emotionally numb.
He sighed happily licking his lips when he was done, after he got gotten me to
climax again. My legs feeling like jelly. Everything in my system that involved
feeling anything shutting down for the moment. I sighed heavily wishing I could
curl up and die but knowing he probably wouldn’t let me. That he probably
wanted to keep going. To push his way back into my body until I outright sobbed
and begged him to stop again.
“That felt good, didn’t it?” He asked me kissing on my neck some more, “Baby
quit shaking you’re fine.”
“Hmmm?” I asked not even aware I was shaking. Not even paying attention to the
fact that my body was that overworked, over tired. Or that I was having muscle
contractions as I laid there.
“Hey, I have an idea. How about I start a bath for you ok? You’ve been so good
so far other then the pushing back but that’s ok. I can understand why you
might be a little apprehensive after all the activity you had yesterday. But
for now, we’re done. I’ll start your bath and then you can eat some food and
just relax ok baby?” He said kissing me quickly on the lips before getting up
and turning on the bath water.
He actually let me bathe on my own and when I got out he had food ready on a
serving tray and had given me the remote to find something on TV. He mumbled
something about having paperwork to finish and left me to myself. I ate a
little bit of food. Probably not as much as I needed but my stomach was beyond
upset, I was beyond tired and ended up falling asleep only to be woken up by a
hard shake sometime later.
“Hey…. you’re ok, you’re all right baby,” he said, “It was just a dream. Do you
need some water?”
“What?” I asked.
“You were screaming baby,” he said rubbing my back to which I shrugged his hand
off of me, “Don’t be like that.”
“Sorry, I just…I don’t remember,” I stammered, “Sorry.”
“It’s ok,” he said looking at me putting his arm back where it was, “It was
just a bad dream all right?”
“Yeah,” I sighed feeling the sting in my eyes thinking to myself if only it had
been a bad dream.
“I’ll be right back ok?” He said getting up and walking away.
I hugged myself burying myself back into the covers. I wanted Pat. I didn’t
want to be here stuck with him. I wanted Pat. I wanted to smell him. To feel
him around me in every way possible, to smell him and bury my face in his hair.
I didn’t want Leo. My whole being feeling nauseous at the thought of having to
sleep next to him. He came back with a bottle of water which I reached out my
hand for before he pulled it away puckering his lips.
“You’re not going to give it to me?” I asked confused.
“Usually people thank their boyfriends with a kiss when they do something for
them you know,” Leo said.
“I can’t have a boyfriend I’m not…you know.” I said quietly.
“No one is completely straight baby especially at your age. You can’t tell me
you haven’t circle jerked it with your friends in private. No adults, no
cameras. Everyone does it sometimes,” Leo commented, “Besides that contract I
have with you that’s all it means. Is we’re dating. Other then at Parties I’m
pretty exclusive with you and you’re Da needs my permission for other people to
spend time with you and they have to be safe so…yeah we’re dating.”
“When you say safe you mean condoms?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said, “Why was someone not safe with you?”
I felt confused by the question. The only two people that ever didn’t use
condoms besides that one time was Da and Leo and I hated that feeling so much.
The feeling of that inside me, dripping out and down my legs. It made me feel
sick.
“You and Da,” I answered only half lying.
“That’s different though,” Leo said, “We’re clean for starters no STI’s and
you’re Da doesn’t play that way with anyone outside of your family and I’m your
boyfriend. I should be allowed to breed you if I want.”
“Breed?” I asked.
“It means fill you. It feels fucking amazing without that little rubber,” Leo
said.
“Hank said he wanted to,” I said remembering how scary that was. How much Hank
had hurt when he had done that.
“I know he asked your Dad about it and they both approached me,” Leo said, “I
told Hank to get a test done and if he came back clean we could discuss it some
more.”
“I don’t…” I closed my eyes pushing lightly on my closed eyelids to keep the
tears from spilling out, “I would like it if you said no.”
“Can you tell me why?” He asked me handing me my water.
“I… I don’t like the way it feels,” I answered, “I don’t like him.”
“Ok, but only if you do something for me all right?” He said his hand cupping
my leg just above my knee.
He was going to make me have sex with him again. It was going to be like
before. How he had done nothing but make me lay in bed naked and have sex with
him until I couldn’t even think. Until I was just a mess of raw nerves.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s something we haven’t done for a while,” He answered his hand starting to
slide up my leg towards my crotch.
“Leo, just tell me what it is please?” I asked wanting to pull away but knowing
if I did whatever it was he was asking about he would do it anyway just to
punish me. Then probably make me lay with Hank just for the hell of it.
“Well, it’s something we haven’t done in a while. You have to be really still,”
Leo said hinting at what he was talking about.
He wanted to put that rod thing inside of me that made me feel funny. That
twisting that made my body jerk and see fireworks. I didn’t want to do that. I
hated that. It made everything feel too tight and burn a little bit. It felt
really weird and I didn’t like it.
“If I don’t are you going to make me?” I asked quietly only daring to glance at
him before looking away at my lap. At his hand slowly moving closer to my penis
over the covers.
“I wouldn’t be that mean to you baby ok?” He answered me, “I’ll give you a
choice you know that.”
“You mean Hank or that?” I asked feeling my whole body start to shake.
I didn’t want to do that. I hated both of those options. At the time, I did see
it as a choice. But at the time I was a 13-year-old kid who was being
manipulated by everyone around him. Who was being told that the guy he was in
bed with wasn’t raping him. That they were boyfriends and that he never forced
me to do anything. That he wouldn’t hurt me, that he wasn’t mean to me when
that’s all that he was.
“Hey,” he said grabbing my chin lightly forcing my eyes to look into his,
“That’s not a bad choice baby. I won’t even restrain you ok? I know it feels
weird at first but then it’ll feel really good. I’ll use the vibrating one.
It’ll be fun.”
I sighed. He was actually going to make me choose. I could lay down with Hank
or I could let him shove that thing into me. I didn’t want to do either but I
didn’t want to have sex with Hank. Especially not Hank.
He straddled my hips over the sheets grinding against me making sure he forced
my mouth open so he could kiss me. His tongue rolling across mine, tickling the
soft pallet of the roof of my mouth making me make out with him. I whined into
his mouth careful not to push him away as he explored the inside of my mouth
making my stomach roll with nausea. His hands moved down my torso before he
broke away from me both of us panting him out of excitement, me out of fear and
shame.
“I’ll be right back ok baby?” He said kissing my cheek before he clambered off
me.
I sat up pulling the blankets around me hoping to hide. To shield myself
somehow from what he was about to make me do. When he came back into the room
he was smiling at me holding a black pouch, which made me shiver and hug myself
tightly because I didn’t want to do this. He climbed onto the bed by my feet
looking at me expectantly while I sat there frozen.
“Are you going to make room for me?” He asked looking at me trying to pull the
blanket away from me so I was exposed.
“Leo…,” I started.
“No, this or Hank. Which one? Because I know you aren’t a fan of Hank because
Hank gets a little too rough. So, what will it be?” He said to me, sitting back
putting his weight on his knees just for a second as I pulled my knees into my
chest making room for him to comfortably sit down.
I looked inside myself. Reflexed on what I really wanted. Knowing Leo even
though he would never “hurt” me there was a very good chance he would make me
do both anyway so I didn’t see the point in picking. While Hank sucked he would
only shove a vibrator up my ass if he was feeling really adventurous not shove
one into my dick. I sighed making up my mind.
“Hank,” I said quietly not looking Leo in the eye.
His face turned cold instantly, “What did you say?”
My resolve started to falter looking at his face his hands resting on my knees,
“I’d rather be with Hank then…then do that.”
“Ok,” Leo said through gritted teeth forcing a smile that was obviously fake,
“I’ll be back in just a minute.” He got up and left the room again leaving me
sitting where I was leaving the black pouch on the bed effectively making me
even more nervous.
I didn’t dare to move because I could tell he had been angered by my answer. I
didn’t know what he was doing but figured he might be calling Hank or something
like that. When he came back he handed me a glass, “drink it,” he said handing
to me.
“What is it?” I asked scared for a second that maybe he was trying to poison
me.
“It’s soda,” he promised me, “Here I’ll take a drink.”
He tipped the glass to his lips taking a sip and making a show of swallowing as
he handed it back to me. I sighed not sure what exactly this was. Why he was
telling me to drink something? I felt my eyebrows raise.
“What baby?” He asked me watching me carefully.
“What if I’m not thirsty?” I asked.
“Just drink it for me baby ok?” He asked sighing as he started fidgeting around
on the bed. Before I could stop him, he had pulled out a syringe and jabbed me
in the arm with it.
“What the fuck Leo?” I asked looking at him confused knowing whatever he had
just done wasn’t good.
“I am a doctor you realize?” He asked me.
“Yes, I know you’re a doctor. You were my doctor. But what the actual fuck?” I
asked rubbing my arm, “That hurt.”
“It’ll only sting for another minute or two before it kicks in,” he said
smiling.
“Kicks in? What did you give me? Did you just drug me?” I asked. I started to
feel my heart rate increase as I went to go stand up and found the room
wobbling slightly.
“I didn’t want to fight you on the restraints. See I was really looking forward
to playing with you tonight with some toys but, since you seem to be resistant
to the idea. More so than I was hoping you would be. I’m going to have to get
what I want by other means. So, this will make you nice and sleepy so I don’t
have to fight you on it,” he answered me.
“Leo what the fuck?” I asked again as my legs felt like they were turning to
jelly and he grabbed me around the waist.
“It’s ok just relax,” he told me.
“But I…” The room started spinning around me and I don’t remember much at that
point. Not for a while. When I woke up just as he had suggested he was going to
do he had cuffed me to the bedframe. I pulled at them to see how tight they
were. Feeling the metal bite into the skin of my wrist which made me whimper.
This was really bad.
“Leo?” I asked quietly to which I found no reply him not even in the room.
I sighed figuring it was probably better not to get his attention. At least not
for the time being since I couldn’t defend myself. Not that I would have anyway
for fear of getting the shit beat out of me. That is until I heard the laughter
coming from the living room and I knew it was him. I knew it was Leo and Hank
and I didn’t want that. I was beyond terrified of that. I started straining
against the cuffs as hard as I could even though it was tearing at my skin,
making my wrist hurt.
I was not doing this. Fuck this. I wasn’t doing it. There was no way in hell I
was going to do this. Not after last night. Not after that damn blind fold and
those fucking headphones that canceled out every noise you could hear besides
your own breathing.
“Should we see if our beautiful boy is awake?” I heard Leo ask Hank as he
opened the door.
“No Leo no,” I said shaking my head.
“You said you’d rather him then sounding. So, you get him and then you get
something really fun,” Leo said as Hank started stripping off his clothes.
“Leo I’m sorry. I’ll do it. Just don’t let him. Please god, I’ll do it. I
swear. I’ll be still and good. Please just don’t make me do it,” I said still
pulling at the cuffs desperately trying to change Leo’s mind. Trying to not
allow him to do that to me.
“Baby I’m not going to hurt you,” Hank said fully undressed climbing up the
foot of the bed as I squeezed my legs together to make it harder for him to
gain entry that way even though my whole body was shaking. My muscles felt weak
and useless and I knew it wasn’t going to matter.
He climbed up me, his hands grabbed at my ankles to force my legs apart as Leo
threw the lube onto the bed next to us before Hank managed to hook his fingers
between my knees and ripped them apart.
“NO,” I begged, “No Hank no.”
“Shhh, just let it happen baby it’ll feel good. You always feel so good,” Hank
cooed as he generously dispensed lube onto his fingers settling in between my
knees so I couldn’t close them as Leo forced one of my legs to bend in order to
give Hank access.
“Leo, make him stop. Don’t let him, please god please,” I pleaded as Leo ran
his other hand through my hair.
“Baby it’s fine we’re just having fun,” Leo told me as I tried to get his hands
away from me yanking at the handcuffs even harder as I yelped before Hanks
fingers had found their way in there as he shoved them both in at once.
I tried kicking out at them but it didn’t do me any good. Leo up by my face and
restrained arms and Hank holding the ankle of the leg that kicked in his
direction before slapping it away hard. A look of glee on his face as he began
to scissor me and added a third finger.
“Leo please. Leo please don’t let him,” I begged again.
“Baby it’s ok. I’m right here he won’t hurt you,” He told me as the tip of one
of Hanks fingers brushed against that spot lightly causing me to gasp loudly.
I was panting heavily with the effort of trying to get Hank off of me, of
kicking out and squirming and because I was that afraid. I didn’t like this at
all. This was beyond anything I was ok with. At least when they usually did
something like this it wasn’t just me by myself. Even if no one else was in the
room where it was happening I knew at least Will or Pat was locked up in the
cage in the other red room and here it was just me and them in Leo’s apartment.
Both of them on me like rabid dogs on a piece of meat.
“Leo, you want to help so we can do that…” Hank started to ask and Leo cut him
off.
“Oh yeah sure,” Leo said moving to sit beside Hank bending over me on the bed
starting to rub me to hardness.
“No,” I shook my head whimpering, “No, no no.”
“Even your no’s are so fucking cute,” Hank commented pushing his fingers back
in as Leo’s lips brushed the tip of my cock.
“God please stop,” I begged feeling the tears starting to burn at my eyes as I
felt Leo’s mouth slide around me.
“Thanks for the compliment baby but you know very well I’m not God,” Hank said
shifting his weight and pushing my one knee up bending it more before I felt
his tongue go there, like inside of me there making me scream in surprise.
I felt disgusting with them doing that. My body responding the way they wanted
it to. My erection growing until I felt like I was about to cum only they have
them both pull away suddenly and have Leo pull something out of the black
pouch.
“What is that?” I barely managed to stammer as he stretched it fitting it
snugly over my balls and shaft as he let it go having it squeeze my base firmly
to the point where it almost hurt.
“It’s a cock ring, it’s just for fun,” Leo told me as I felt Hank pressing
against my hole.
I hissed as I felt him breech me. Leo coming up to my face and petting my hair
again, “It’s ok. You’re doing so good. We’re going to make you cum so hard when
it’s time baby.”
“Stop please,” I begged. I kept my eyes closed tightly as I felt Hank pull out
and ram back into me hard and fast.
“God better than any pussy,” he grunted.
Leo laughed, “That’s what I told him earlier. Isn’t it baby?” He asked me still
petting the top of my head.
“pl-ple-please,” I begged. Hank rocking the bed with every movement, my body
shaking.
All of the blood in my system felt like it was pooled into my groin. The
hotness unbearably hot, my erection making everything feel tight and beyond my
control. I knew my body needed to cum but I felt like it was impossible to do
so. The tightness and hardness almost so much it was painful. Hank hit my
prostate sending a jolt through my body like jumping off a bridge and landing
in ice cold water after a long drop causing me to make this weird sound in my
throat almost like a dog whimpering and a gulp all at the same time.
“It’s ok baby. You can make all the sounds you want,” Leo said kissing the top
of my head, “Better to get it out now before the real fun starts.”
“God so good. He feels so fucking good,” Hank said again.
“I know, right? It’s no wonder everyone wants him. I mean he’s beautiful, has
the biggest dick for someone his age and he’s so fucking tight and just the
right amount of hot and smooth with that little bit of roughness too,” Leo
commented on my body as I tried to tune them out. To go somewhere else in my
mind the cock ring making the task impossible.
“That and he’s just the right amount of hard and soft. Not yet a man but not a
little boy anymore. He’s everything anyone could ask for am I right Hank?” Leo
added.
“Mhm, oh fuck yeah,” Hank said hitting my prostate directly on causing my back
to arch and me to throw my head back involuntarily as it got desperately hard
for me to keep breathing. A gasp emitting from my open mouth that I found I
could no longer close.
“That was a sweet little sound,” Leo said, “You’ve never made that sound for
me. How come you’ve never done that for me?”
“Oh, shit I’m so close baby. You’re so fucking tight,” Hank moaned ramming into
me hard enough to force my knees into my chest. I felt like I was being
elevated off the bed as he came inside me. I felt the liquid heat shoot into me
sending a shock wave up my spine. So, Leo had let him do it. Have sex with me
without a condom. He leaned forward and kissed my cheek before he rolled off
me.
“Thank you for that,” Hank said standing up, “You want me to stay to help with
the other part?”
“No, I’ve got that on my own. Thank you,” Leo said his thumb brushing over my
slit as he palmed my still rock-hard cock the pain and pleasure making me
twitch at the same time Hank started getting dressed.
When Hank was dressed he left himself out shutting the door behind him and
probably making sure the front door was locked as well because Leo didn’t
follow after him. Leo turned his attention back to the black pouch that was
still sitting on the bed. I knew it was full of sounding rods. I wasn’t stupid.
The idea of having that done to me after Hank was behind what I could stand and
I tried and failed to bite back a sob.
“Shhh…you said you would rather deal with Hank. So, you dealt with Hank,” Leo
told me, “This is what happens when you ruin my fun baby. Don’t worry you’ll be
all right. It won’t hurt forever, I promise. Now I have some paperwork to do so
I’m going to set this in place and then I’ll be back later all right?”
I sighed in relief. It just sitting in there wouldn’t be that bad. As long as
he wasn’t using it to fuck my penis and send that horrible feeling throughout
my body I might be ok to deal with it. I sat still as he coated it in the lube
and slid it into me the weird burn it caused amplified by the fact that I was
beyond hard because he wouldn’t let me finish. My body practically screaming at
me for release that I couldn’t give it. Not that I had ever masturbated before
but if it meant getting rid of how insane that feeling was making me, it might
have been worth a shot.
“There you go,” he said smiling at me as he crawled over to the other side of
the bed and pulled something out of it showing it to me proudly, “This is a
prostate tickler you’re going to have lots of fun with this. And then you just
need to lay here and wait for me ok baby?”
He covered it in lube before shoving it up inside of me turning it on and then
sliding something into his pockets. The vibrations had my whole-body twitching
as I struggled to breathe. This was fucking insane. He expected me to just sit
here like this? With this thing up my ass poking at me like this when I was
already beyond stimulated the everything else like tiny flames licking at my
private parts sending horrible jolts of cold fire through my body.
“I’ll be back in a little while,” he said smiling at me and shutting the door
behind me.
Once I got used to the pounding against my prostate after about 20 minutes I
felt like I had been electrocuted as the sound hummed to life inside of me. The
feeling causing me to scream out. The sensation too much for my body to handle
as the other one felt like it picked up speed. I tried shifting my weight,
anything to lessen the feeling and nothing worked as I screamed myself horse.
The sweat starting to drip down my forehead and mix with the tears I could no
longer hold back.
This was almost as bad as having all of them on me at once only instead of
having five different sets of hands along with five different tongues and sets
of lips all over my body it felt like they were all just concentrated on my
dick and ass. The feeling making it impossible to stop crying even after my
voice no longer worked because I had screamed so much. My eyes kept rolling
into the back of my head like I was being hit by volts of electricity and then
coming back my breathing ragged as it got harder and harder to breathe out of
my nose because it was filled with snot, my throat raw from screaming and
crying.
When he was done with his paper work he came back into the bedroom his hand on
my dick causing even the roots of the hair on my head to tingle making me emit
a gurgled sound because everything hurt. It was too much and everything hurt. I
couldn’t keep my body from twitching and jumping and felt like I my brain was
going to explode. Or my dick was just going to explode from the inability to
release all the pressure built up.
“Ok baby,” he said looking at me closely running a hand through my hair, “I’m
going to let you cum now ok? Now remember what this felt like. The next time
you say no to me about anything we’ll do this again. I know it’s awfully
unpleasant especially by this point. However, you’ll feel a million times
better in about 30 seconds I’ll make you melt as I swallow all your life
juice.”
Before I could manage a sound of protest he had taken the sounding rod out and
wrapped his mouth around me sticking his tongue into my swollen and inflamed
slit making me whimper despite my lack of voice. After a minute, he stopped and
took the cock ring off his throat opening up to take me in as I came shuddering
down his throat my whole body jerking with the effort. My eyes rolling again as
I finally was allowed to ejaculate. When I was done I collapsed feeling light
headed with a slight headache. My whole body still burning as he made these
suckling noises trying to swallow everything that shot down his throat without
choking. When he was done he laughed heartily and sat up climbing on top of me
and kissing my neck sending more sparks of pain and confusion up and down my
spine.
“You’re amazing. We’ll have to use that cock ring again won’t be baby?” He
asked me as I moved my arms slightly where they were still strapped to the
headboard, “Yeah I can let you go. However, if I do what will you do for me?”
He asked me looking at me closely.
“Please,” I managed to hoarsely get out before having a coughing fit my voice
and throat raw.
“Please what? Pull this vibrator out and make love to you? I can do that,” he
said uncuffing my one wrist my arm falling limply to the pillows.
“Stop,” I moaned as he pulled the vibrator out of me my whole body screaming at
me to stop letting him touch my skin.
He didn’t stop. He shoved himself into me and made sure he was satisfied before
he rolled off me pulling me into his chest. My skin crawling as he fell asleep
holding me. I wanted to die but felt like I couldn’t move. Every movement
causing the fabric of the sheets to rub against my body sending explosions of
overstimulation through every cell.
 I would have begged him to kill me if he had been awake. I would have begged
him to shoot me in the face. My whole body making my stomach want to heave but
not having the energy to do so. The first moment the crawling stopped moving
under my skin I stood up and went to the bathroom finding a razor and pulling
it across my inner right thigh but finding the one cut wasn’t enough. That it
didn’t matter.
 I needed more to make sure the feeling of him against me, on me didn’t come
back. I sat down on the toilet wanting to make sure I could see my canvas, that
I knew where the razor would meet the skin perfectly. I took a deep inhale
holding my breath as I pressed the razor hard against the skin above my knee
making a diagonal cut into my flesh but trying to keep it small and even. I
managed to finish the letter w against my leg before Leo knocked on the door my
answer not coming soon enough to keep him from bursting in on me. He looked at
me bleeding all over his bathroom floor.
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO JOHN KILL
YOURSELF? YOU KNOW HOW STUPID YOU ARE? YOU COULD HAVE HIT YOUR ARTERY!!” He
yelled grabbing the toilet paper roll whole off the holder and unrolling an
insane amount pressing it to my wound as blood continued to drip down my leg.
He sighed looking up at me, “God don’t do this again please. I’m sorry I
yelled. You scared me ok? Don’t do this to yourself. You don’t deserve this.
You’re so perfect baby. You shouldn’t hurt yourself like this.”
I started crying. I wasn’t prefect. I was a whore. That was the word I had
intended to carve into my leg. Why couldn’t anyone see it but me? That that’s
all I was, was a whore. My body always gave them whatever they wanted no matter
how much I hated what they were doing. I always came hard no matter how much I
didn’t want them to touch me, to make me feel that way. To make those lights
dance and my eyes roll. To make my back arch up into their touches and make
those moans escape me. If I couldn’t control my sexual urges that’s exactly
what I was. I was a whore and nothing else.
“Baby, oh baby,” Leo said as he got out the first aid kit from under the sink,
“What’s wrong? Tell me why did you do this?”
“I don’t want to do that again,” I barely managed to get out between my
sniffles.
“You won’t have to if you just remember when given the choice between me and
someone else you always choose me. I won’t hurt you. I’d never hurt you. I love
you so much. I just wish you loved me. I mean you say it but, I’m not stupid. I
know you’re just placating me. I want you to love me. To really love me. Just
show me that I matter to you in the meantime ok? That’s all I ask,” Leo told me
as he squirted something yellow onto my leg before he started wiping up the
blood still dripping down the side of my thigh and onto the floor before he
bandaged it heavily with gauze and medical tape.
I sighed, nodded my head. So that’s why he did that to me. Because I had chosen
Hank over sounding. Because I had chosen to have a dick shoved up my ass
compared to a metal rod shoved up my urethra. Because to him I would rather
have Hank touch me then allow him to play with me using his stupid sex toys. I
would rather have Hank hump me until he was satisfied and then leave then have
the pain last for hours and the mental anguish continue to pile on until I
couldn’t stand it. Until I was begging for him to stop. Until I couldn’t stand
to have anyone touch me.
“There we go all cleaned up. Let’s go to bed and get some sleep ok? I’m going
to give you something. Not like before it’s a pill but it’ll help you calm down
ok? I won’t do that again. Never again as long as you remember how much I love
you. That I’ll always take care of you ok?” He pledged to me.
“Ok,” I answered not looking him in the eyes, not wanting to see the lie there.
“Good, here grab my shoulders,” he said bending down and I did as I was told.
He picked me up bridal style taking me back to the bed and setting me down
gently pulling the covers up to my chin, “I’ll be right back. It’ll help you
relax and sleep better ok?”
I didn’t say anything and he quickly left. When he returned he handed me a
little pentagon shaped pill and unscrewed the cap on a bottle of water before
giving that to me as well. He watched me as I popped the pill into my mouth and
swallowed it using the water before he took the water back capping it and
setting it on the nightstand next to me.
“I have to go do something but I’ll be back in a little while ok? You just try
to go to sleep baby. I love you,” he said.
I nodded my head and rolled over turning away from him having to smell him and
Hank and their sex around me. Having to lay in the bed where they raped me. My
brain too tired to really process how disgusting it was. How grody I felt not
having showered when he was finished but pretty used to the sensation of
someone’s filth and spit all over me when I went to sleep anyway. After a while
I felt like the world was rocking gently to a slow lullaby and I fell into a
dreamless sleep.
***** 41 *****
Chapter Summary
     John wakes up at Leo's and finds his brain too confused giving into
     temptation for the first time in a while, finding that old habits are
     hard to break. He goes to school and finds different obstacles hard
     to face, causing him to hide out in a bathroom where he runs into
     trouble. Someone unexpected coming to his aid.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 838 to 877. I had to cut this chapter down. I almost gave you
     to 890+. That would have been a very long chapter and very heavy one.
     I kind of like the cliff hanger which you will get to see finished
     probably mid-week at some point. Warnings: Rape/non-con,
     unconventional use of butter,talking of child sexual abuse, mental
     health issues, talk of underage aged drinking, bullying, forced
     kissing, talk of forced brother/brother incest
When I woke up I could feel his body heat in the bed beside me my head pounding
lightly as if I were hung over even though I hadn’t had anything to drink in
months. My sobriety a huge regret at the moment because at least if I had a
hangover from drinking I would have probably felt pretty damn good. The night
before and I wouldn’t be able to recall what had happened or at least not of
cared if I could.
I went to go sit up and he reached over touching my shoulder making me jump 20
feet in the air my nerves still misfiring under my skin even at the slightest
touch.
“You ok baby? I’m sorry I scared you,” he said as I climbed out of bed before
he could wrap his arms around me.
“I’m fine,” I lied, “Can I get a shower? Or is that going to be a problem for
you because Da he a lot of the time…”
“Go shower, there’s nothing wrong with you showering Hank’s spunk off you. I
know you’re Da doesn’t always let you shower but here you can shower anytime
you want. As long as there is hot water,” Leo told me to which I nodded my head
before heading into the bathroom.
I started scrubbing myself roughly the moment I got in hoping that maybe I
could wash it all away. It didn’t work but I let the water scold my skin
turning my complexion red. I put my face under the water rinsing, trying to
think of something that didn’t make me want to shoot myself. So, lost in my own
thoughts I didn’t hear the door open. However, I felt the air stir when he
opened the curtain.
“Leo…” I started to ask.
“Don’t worry I don’t do shower sex, remember my ACL?” He questioned me, “I was
just looking because you are something to look at baby. That’s for damn sure.”
“I’d like to shower on my own if that’s all right with you,” I answered curtly.
“Well I’m not in it with you so I would consider that showering alone. I can
change that if you like however again I don’t do shower sex,” he told me again,
“So it would kind of be disappointing for me.”
“Just can you shut the curtain?” I asked looking at him very aware of how naked
I still was but getting used to being in that state of undress around him.
“I’m really enjoying the view,” Leo said.
“I’m not a fucking display window. So, could you shut the curtain?” I snapped.
“In a mood, the morning?” He asked curling his lip in amusement, “Ok, here’s
the deal. I’ll shut the curtain if you join me for breakfast wearing your
current attire.”
“Yeah ok whatever. That’s as far as that promise goes though. My skin is still
crawling because of last night so please just shut the curtain,” I replied.
“I told you why last night happened. Don’t blame me for your mistake,” Leo
commented.
“Did I say I was? No, I’m just asking you to shut the fucking curtain Leo.
Really, that’s all,” I shot back.
“All right fair enough,” Leo said, “Rich is coming over later this afternoon.”
I froze. He had to be kidding me. After last night Dick was coming over when
all he did was say those horrible things to me? Ask me if he could touch me,
hurt me. Make me hate myself.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because it’s my weekend. It’s your second weekend back so he decided to come
by say hi and spend some time with me and you,” Leo answered.
“Are you going to make me…?” I trailed off exhaling deeply.
“I’ve told him nothing beyond second base ok? I know the last two days haven’t
been easy for you,” Leo said looking at me, “Why did you do that to yourself
last night?”
I looked down at the gauze that was wet and useless against my thigh before
pulling it off and setting it down on the side of the tub. Did he really care
what my answer was? Why was he asking me? Did he want the real answer or would
throwing a fake one out do just fine?
“I don’t know,” I lied.
“I’m a psychiatrist, John. I can tell that’s not true. Just be honest. I am
your doctor,” he told me.
“Because I wanted to hurt myself. Because I deserved it,” I answered honestly
surprising myself.
“But I had already punished you. There wasn’t any need for you to as well.
That’s a little over kill don’t you think?” He asked me.
“Well,” I answered sighing as I rinsed out my hair before turning off the water
slightly pissed that I had taken most of my shower with the curtain open and
him watching me, “Wouldn’t you say two vibrators is a little over kill or does
over kill only count when it’s me doing it to myself?”
“Ok this is the only warning I’m giving you. Check yourself before you earn
more punishments and carving letters into your leg isn’t going to be the
consequence you face understand me?” He said his eyes cold.
“Yes sir,” I answered harshly not in the mood for his games as I finished towel
drying my hair and wrapped the towel around my waist.
“Maybe I should remove the second base rule if you’re going to keep being so
petulant today,” Leo commented grabbing the towel from my waist surprising me.
“I’m sorry Leo, I’ll stop, really. I just…it’s hard sometimes ok?” I answered.
“What is?” He asked me.
“This, my life, me. I don’t know. I’m sorry,” I answered honestly his face
softening the predator leaving his eyes for just a moment.
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “It does get easier. If we stay agreeable I’m
thinking of signing another contract when this one is up. What do you think
about that? It will mostly be the same but for a year instead of six months.
It’ll be a week at a time instead of just the weekend but you won’t be passed
around whereas without a contract you probably will be.”
“I know,” I answered not wanting to think about how Leo was the better choice.
He was right. If I was contracted to him I was only obligated to sleep with him
and my Da and whomever they gave permission to. Without being contracted I
didn’t have that protection. My body belonged to whoever asked my Da if they
could be with me. And Da wasn’t as picky as Leo was. That was very evident to
me in the fact that I had only seen Hank a handful of times since Leo had asked
if he could contract me.
“Can I ask for something if we do that again?” I asked swallowing as I walked
out of the room and back into the bedroom.
“We can discuss somethings yes,” Leo answered, “Let’s eat. I have cheese
Danishes and coffee.”
I sighed and went to the kitchen still naked sitting at the table as he handed
me a mug of coffee and put the plate of Danishes on the table. I wasn’t sure if
I was hungry or not but I never usually was after something like that. The
night before being too much for my brain to handle and the night before that
the same. If they didn’t let up I was going to break down and I knew it. I felt
like he knew it too staring at me the way he was; as if he were contemplating
my emotional state.
“So, what exactly is it you want to ask if I am allowed to recontract you?” Leo
asked me.
“When is my contract up this time?” I asked curious because I couldn’t
remember.
“February that’s why we’re discussing this,” Leo said, “What is it you want?”
“Time with my friends. Since you said it would be a week at a time once the
summer got here maybe allow me to have time with them on the weekends,” I asked
not daring to look at him.
“Well,” he sighed, “I know it’s important for you to not feel isolated socially
so I can allow that but, I want Rich to go with you and what will you do for
me?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, think of it this way it’s not up to you whether I can recontract you or
not. That’s on your Dad. This contract is between him and I not you and me. So,
you don’t have a lot of cards to play. What will you do for me if I allow you
to see your friends on the weekends?” He restated the question.
“Sound,” I answered, “I won’t fight it. I’ll let you do it but, I’d also like a
break sometimes. Like Mondays or something give me some space. I wouldn’t ask
but once summer comes mum will be better and she’ll be really busy with the
babies and so Da…he won’t be as distracted anymore. You know he’s going to want
to be with me. He tells me that he does all the time.”
“What exactly does he say?” He asked me.
“That he’d,” I swallowed. I hated it when he did this. Made me talk about the
things other people said to me or did to me. I could tell he got off on it when
I did. The way he looked at me, the way he moved.
“Its ok baby take your time,” he said grabbing my hand that was laying on the
table.
“He said that he likes me better than mum. That I feel better then she does.
That I feel right. That he wishes he had someone like me when he was younger
but that apparently he had to make me in order to have me,” I answered feeling
my eyes sting.
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of baby. Why are you crying? It’s amazing that
your Dad loves you like that,” he said.
“I don’t like talking about it,” I answered flatly.
“I know. But it’s good to talk about it. It gives you perspective. Allows you
to see things from a different point of view. You probably think he’s saying
those things to hurt you to make you feel bad but he’s saying them because he
loves you. Because he wants you to know how special you are. I know it’s
unconventional according to normal society but there’s nothing wrong with it,”
Leo told me.
“Leo, I don’t like talking about things ok? I don’t care if you think it’s
going to help me. It’s not. Because once I let go of it, say it to someone
something else happens so there isn’t any point,” I answered.
“Like what?” He asked me.
“The blindfold,” I answered, “Da and how he made…with Will,” I finished barely
a whisper.
“You know there isn’t anything wrong with that right? Showing your brother, you
love him,” Leo said.
“I don’t love him like that. He shouldn’t have to do that with me,” I answered
pushing the rest of my food away, “Why don’t you get that? I don’t want him to
have to do that.”
“See that’s why you need to tell me things like this so I can correct you.
There’s nothing wrong with you doing that. I know most people say it’s wrong
but they are the ones who are wrong. In Greece and Rome while it was unusual it
wasn’t unheard of. Think of how far back our tradition goes all the way back to
Greece. That’s special. That’s a test of time. That’s a real legacy,” Leo said.
“He shouldn’t have to do that,” I said again.
“Either way it was very hot watching you with him,” Leo answered, “Got I’m
getting hard just remembering it. You came so hard. I bet it felt good. That
friend of yours, what’s his name Patrick? Up against your back fucking you
while you pushed into your brother. The sounds the three of you made and you in
the middle. So, perfect, your mouth open in that O and your head thrown back
with your eyes closed.” He said moving behind me starting to rub my shoulders
his hands starting to travel down my back.
“Leo please don’t,” I said pushing back to stand up and once I was on my feet
he pushed me forward hard into the table. The plates crashing to the ground as
he pushed me forward sticking his hand in the butter dish before I felt him
shove his fingers up inside me of making me bite my tongue.
He nibbled and sucked on the base of my neck his fingers shoving in hard moving
trying to find that spot and stretch me out at the same time. This hurt. This
wasn’t normal, not for Leo. He grunted, his tongue sliding down my spine as his
hands moved to my hips. I realized where this was going.
“LEO, NO. PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T,” I shouted loudly as the front door opened and
I heard foot steps up the stairs. Distracting me long enough for Leo to shove
his tongue into my ass. Licking up the butter he had just put there as I felt
my face turning red knowing it was Rich. That Rich was about to walk in on me
bent over the kitchen table, his dad’s tongue buried in my asshole.
“Good afternoon Dad, John,” Dick said clearing his throat getting Leo’s
attention.
“Hi pal want to join us?” Leo asked stopping for a minute.
“Huh no. I kind of wanted to eat until I walked in on this,” Dick answered.
“Are you going to say hello to Rich, John?” Leo asked moving so I could stand
up which I did feeling like my whole body was flushed red with embarrassment.
I stood up not turning around because I was tired of people seeing me naked,
“Hi Rich,” I responded.
“Hi, you aren’t going to turn around and say hi to my face? I mean you know
I’ve already seen it right? I mean I’ve tasted it and it’s fucking amazing in
every aspect. You don’t need to hide it from me.,” he said.
I felt my lips tremble as I tried to keep myself from making a sound, from
crying. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him to be able to see this. I didn’t
want to hear him talk about me, about my body like that.
“Come on baby be polite,” Leo said grabbing my forearm forcing me to turn
around exposing myself to Rich’s gaze.
“Nothing beyond second base?” Rich asked looking at Leo as he started coming
towards us. As I tried to pull away from Leo’s grasps. Pull back to put some
space between Dick and me.
“Right,” Leo answered.
“You do know that second base is Oral right, Dad?” Dick asked Leo.
“Yes, I’m well aware of what is considered second base,” Leo answered.
“Awesome,” he said grabbing me by the hips as Leo let go of my arm.
“No,” I said shaking my head trying to detach Dick’s fingers from my hips
bones, “No. Come on. This isn’t funny.”
“Who said I was being funny?” He asked that heavy lust filled look in his eyes.
“No come on,” I said shaking my head, “Don’t.”
“Why not? You’re here and you’re ready so, why shouldn’t I?” He asked me before
forcing my neck to the side. His face pressing it into the crook of my shoulder
before he laid a kiss there.
“No,” I said again trying harder to pull away.
“Dad he’s getting finicky,” Dick said to Leo.
“I see that,” Leo said, “Do just like I taught you. Get him under control.”
Dick reached down between us grabbed at my most intimate parts and squeezing
lightly making me freeze. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want his mouth on me. Not
ever in any way and I wasn’t getting a choice. My breathing picked up Dick’s
mouth nibbling my ear lobe sending goose bumps across my skin.
“Are you going to play nice or would you rather be on your knees choking on my
dick as I feed it to you?” He kissed into my ear.
“You want me on my knees? I’ll get on my knees,” I answered loudly.
“I think that might be too easy and I kind of like a little bit of a
challenge,” Dick said, “Come to my bedroom with me.”
“Leo, you can’t be serious?” I said incredulously looking at Leo closely.
Begging him with my eyes not to make me do this. I hated Dick. I hated him so
much and had hardly any fear of him. At least until he had me semi alone with
handcuffs. Then like any normal person I was terrified of him.
“Go on, have some fun. I mean personally I would prefer someone sucking my cock
than having to suck someone’s but you’re a weird one baby,” Leo said.
“I don’t want to,” I said again trying to pull away. Trying to get out of
Dick’s grip to which Dick only squeezed my hips harder as I felt his fingers
digging into my skin.
“Ok,” Leo said nodding his head, “Ok let’s go to my room?” He asked.
I thought he was giving me a choice so I nodded my head Rich letting me go. I
followed Leo into his bedroom his hand touching my cheek as he quit moving and
I ended up in his arms. I saw him look behind me before I felt Rich’s hands go
back to my hips from behind.
“No,” I said shaking my head, “You said your bedroom with you.”
“I didn’t say that. I said let’s go to my room. I meant all three of us,” Leo
said, “It’s ok. Just relax it’ll be easier. We’ll have fun.”
“No,” I said shaking my head as Leo held me, pulling me into his chest. Trying
to calm me down. “Please Leo. Please don’t make me do this. Please. I don’t
want to please. The first chance I get alone I’ll kill myself. I swear to god
I’ll kill myself. Please don’t make me do this,” I said nearly sobbing. I
didn’t want to have sex with Rich or him and especially not together.
“Ok,” he whispered into my ear, “You don’t have to do if you do something for
me though. Just one thing. Ride my cock, I want to watch you ride me baby ok?”
I swallowed not sure what he meant. I was 13. I didn’t understand the
reference. I thought I did but wasn’t 100 percent sure what he was referring
to.
“What do you mean? Like how do I…?” I trailed off.
“Well, I lay back and you climb into my lap and sit down facing me. Then
instead of me moving in and out you move up and down ok?” He said loud enough
for Dick to hear, “Rich, it’s ok. You’ll get another turn.”
“Come on you said I could play with him, have some time with him,” Rich
answered pouting.
“He said he doesn’t want to and that he’s going to hurt himself if I make him.
Do you want him to hurt himself and get thrown into the hospital? Because trust
me you won’t be getting a lot alone time with him then. I can hardly get alone
with him myself when that happens,” Leo said looking at Rich, “Another time I
promise. Maybe tomorrow?”
“Ok,” Dick said leaving and closing the door behind him.
 I sighed looking at Leo. I was still naked, his arms on my shoulders before he
kissed me. His lips crashing into mine. I didn’t want to do this. I felt naked
and scared and vulnerable this being something I had never done before. As he
let me go and laid down on the bed gesturing for me to straddle his hips.
I tried to swallow the dry lump in my throat, “Leo I don’t know how to…”
He cut off my words, “It’s ok baby. I’ll help, it’s not a big deal. Just a
different position. Scoot back just a little bit and hand me that tube on the
nightstand ok?” He said which I did as he asked before he lubbed himself up
generously, “Ok I’ll hold myself up. I just need you to sit down slowly when I
tell you to. I should slide right in once we find the right angle ok baby?”
I nodded my head as he maneuvered his hand under me taking my hand and putting
it on him as well until he found the right place, the right way to penetrate me
and then I slowly lowered myself down gasping in surprise as I did so. It felt
weird. The feeling of the gravity pulling me down impaling me. I didn’t like
this at all. I liked this even less then I did in this position from behind. I
didn’t like this at all. It felt wrong. Like me being on top was my way of
saying it was ok when it wasn’t. The pressure always felt weird even if it
didn’t hurt.
Leo smiled widely at me arching his back pushing his pelvis up into me making
my eyes go big before I closed them trying to steady my breathing as he seemed
to hit that spot directly without even trying. I didn’t like this one bit. This
was horrible and I didn’t want it at all. I didn’t like this and there was no
fucking way I was going to be the one bouncing up and down. I didn’t want this
at all.
“I love this look. You riding my cock. This is where you belong baby, you
should bounce for me. It’ll feel really fucking amazing,” He muttered.
“I-I don’t know how,” I stuttered feeling weird. The pressure enough to make me
want to scream, his hands on my hips holding me in place.
“Fine,” he said somehow managing to move so he was on top of me without pulling
out making me whimper as he pushed me into the bed and started rutting into me.
“Wait, wait wait, Leo stop it,” I begged getting ready to push at him as he
grabbed my forearms pinning me into the bed.
“Relax, you said you would rather have me. So, you’re going to have me, baby.
You feel so fucking good,” he said ramming into me harder. Hard enough that it
hit something wrong. That it hurt.
“Leo, stop. You’re hurting,” I begged trying to find the best way to push him
off. To push him away. His body pinning mine down, his body buried into mine to
the hilt, “LEO PLEASE PLEASE STOP.”
“Hold on baby. I’m already so close,” he moaned leaning forward putting all his
weight into me.
“LEO STOP GOD STOP,” I begged as the sharp stabbing pain started to subside
leaving me with a dull throb inside as he started hitting against my prostate
again making my toes start to curl as he pushed into me.
“God, you feel so fucking tight. You’re always so tight baby,” he muttered into
my neck.
I felt something inside me snap. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t fight it
anymore. I was too tired, beyond tired. Beyond done. If I had the chance to die
or to let him kill me I would have because I couldn’t have mustered the energy
to do it myself at that point. All of my fight was gone.
 I remember the motion making me feel sick as he pushed in and out still
holding my arms down into the bed with a bruising grip. I remember my feet
having trouble finding purchase on the bed to keep me from sliding around. When
he was done I didn’t move. I felt so dead inside I just laid there. He kissed
my cheek and got up going to the shower and turning on the water and still I
didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t do anything. Every second felt like it didn’t
matter but was hours at the same time.
When he came back into the bedroom I spread my legs again expecting him to want
more and just giving up. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was too tired. I
didn’t want to scream to tell him no just to have him ignore me. He had broken
me.
“You don’t need to do that baby,” Leo cooed pulling me to him, “Let’s just
cuddle, talk. Maybe nap huh?”
I flinched at his touch. I didn’t want to cuddle with him. I would prefer he
didn’t touch me at all. I was tired of being touched and didn’t deserve it
anyway. I was just a whore. I didn’t deserve to be comforted. I deserved to be
used and filled with cum and then left to rot. I didn’t want him touching me.
“Stop please,” I asked finally cracking, just wanting him to stop. To no longer
touch me.
“Baby what’s wrong? I thought I made you feel good. Did I not?” He asked me
quietly sitting up and looking at me.
“I just don’t want to cuddle is all. Please Leo? I’m really tired,” I barely
whispered a reply.
“I figured you would be. That’s why we’re going to just cuddle. Maybe you
should just lay there and let me…I don’t know…” he said to which I just shook
my head trying to sit up before he pushed me back down biting into my neck,
“God you’re so perfect.”
“Leo please?” I asked again.
I really didn’t want him to touch me anymore. I didn’t want anyone to touch me
anymore. Usually if they said the words “just lay there” or “let me make you
feel good” it meant they were going to make me have oral sex and that was
something I really didn’t want.
I didn’t say anything as his kisses started trailing down my neck. As his hands
started sliding up and down my rib cage. I kept my eyes closed my throat going
dry. I was tired. My brain trying it’s hardest to shut down, to shut it out.
His tongue traveled down my body as I exhaled slowly trying to make sure I
didn’t push him away. I tried to remember to just breathe my air still catching
as I felt his mouth go around me. I hated myself. I hated the fact that I got
hard, that I responded. That I came for him.
When he was done he came back up kissing my cheeks, rubbing his thumbs across
my cheeks slowly, “Why are you crying baby?”
“Huh,” I managed before shrugging my shoulders not wanting to have to talk to
him anymore. Not wanting to think about him or us or it or anything.
He pulled me over onto his chest pushing my head up against his breast bone
making it so I could hear his heart beat, “You’re ok. You’re so good to me. I
love you, all right? Everything is ok John.”
I closed my eyes pretending it was Pat. Because I knew I couldn’t escape, that
pushing away or trying to leave would make everything worse. Make him angry so
he would hurt me or worse yet make him start up again. I just closed my eyes
hoping that it would work. That I could pretend it was Patrick. Because I
needed Patrick desperately and I knew I couldn’t have him there with me. That
it was Saturday and I would briefly get to see him tomorrow morning if I was
lucky but otherwise I was alone and I knew it.
I tried to pretend it was him so hard but, the smell was so different. He
didn’t smell anything like Patrick who smelled like tobacco and chocolate but
instead smelled like some weird cologne and some type of cleaner. I hated that
it had to be him. That I had to be touching him.
Somehow, I did manage to fall asleep only waking up when he moved to go to the
bathroom or something startling me awake. I felt crazy for missing the warmth
of a body even if it was his body. I felt ashamed for wanting to have someone
near me when I knew I didn’t deserve it. I sighed sitting up looking around for
him when I noticed a bottle of vodka sitting on the night stand near my head.
Just looking at it made my mouth water. Made me want to feel that burn. To know
that burn. To know I was alive. That I wasn’t living in some hell. I thought
that it I drank it and I was alive it meant that one day, even if it was only
in death I wouldn’t be his anymore. That I might be free one day. That one day
Pat and I could be together and it would be without all of the pain. Without
people reaching inside of me and tearing me open, pulling pieces of me away at
any chance they could.
I sighed heavily before uncapping it. Before taking a small swig and swallowing
it. Savoring the burn before I took a bigger one and then sighed putting the
cap back on and setting it down beside me. That might have been the first drink
I took that day but, it wouldn't be the last.
“Hey you’re awake?” Leo said quietly looking at me, “I called Dr. Palmer. He’s
going to come take a look at your leg and see if you need stitches or not. Make
sure you’re ok because you seem to be acting like you’re a little off today.”
I didn’t want to talk to him anymore so I just stared at him blankly. I didn’t
care that Vic was coming as long as he didn’t touch me. I didn’t want to deal
with anyone really besides Pat. Because Pat wouldn’t make me talk. He would be
worried but he wouldn’t make me speak. I didn’t want to speak. I had nothing to
really say to anyone. He had let Hank rape me, raped me twice and decided to
torture me with sex toys. I was beyond done. I was tired and I felt like Leo
hated me, like life hated me.
“I’m going to make some salmon for dinner. Rich is helping. It just got put in
the oven and should be ready by the time Dr. Palmer comes around,” Leo said,
“Are you ok?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I just wanted to honestly be left alone. I missed my
family, my friends. I hated being locked in Leo’s bedroom like a fucking pet
while he told me how perfect I was, how good I felt and tasted. I knew I should
eat, that I was going to get scolded by Vic for not eating but I wasn’t hungry.
I rolled over pulling myself into a ball not bothering to answer him as he got
dressed and left. I thought the whole thing was stupid. Why did Vic even need
to be here? I’d been fine for a while. I didn’t want to deal with anyone. I
just wanted to go home.
Vic knocked on the bedroom door after a while opening it up and smiling sadly
at me like he didn’t expect me to be well, “Hey,” he said to which I waved,
“What’s up?”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“How are you feeling?” I shrugged my shoulders again and he sighed, “Come on,
talk to me. I have to get your weight and see your leg. It might make you feel
better.”
“There’s nothing to say. I’m a whore. Why would anyone want to hear what I have
to say?” I hissed.
“That’s not true John. You know that’s not what you are,” Vic sighed.
“Then why do I…they don’t listen to me. I tell them no. That I don’t want to
and they tell me that I have to because I…,” I felt that dry lump in my throat.
“Hey, you’re a young man going through puberty. They are saying that to make
you feel guilty. I know all of their tricks remember? I was once right where
you are right now. You can’t listen to them, you can’t believe them. Your body
behaving like a healthy human body does. That does not in any way make you a
whore John, ok? There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t want this. I can
tell by looking at you, you don’t want this. Do people that want this cut
themselves after someone does that to them? Do people who want this get sick to
their stomach and throw up all their food or feel so upset they can’t eat?
John, you don’t want this no matter what they say, no matter how your body
reacts. It doesn’t matter what they think as long as you tell them no and make
it clear this isn’t what you want. Everything else they say to you or do to you
or make you feel is lies,” Vic said.
“If that’s true then why I do I think they’re right sometimes?” I asked.
“Because when someone tells you something often enough you start to believe it.
Let me ask you a question, ok? I would like you to try to answer but, if you
can’t that’s ok. What did Leo do you to this weekend? I’m only asking because
sometimes you seem ok, like you’re getting to a point where you can cope. But
then you just bottom out and you hurt yourself or you have a day where you
can’t stop crying and you need someone to just be there with you while you work
it out. Or you can’t eat anything. Tell me what’s going on ok?” Vic asked me.
I clamed up. I didn’t want to talk about that. Not about him and what they did.
Sure, they didn’t do doubles or anything like that and I was beyond grateful
for it. But having to deal with those fucking toys and then the feeling of
Hank’s and Leo’s sick inside of me, it was something I didn’t want to think
about or talk about. Not when there was nothing I could do to get the feeling
off of my skin when the memory started coming back up. Not when I didn’t have
him here to remind me I wasn’t disgusting, that I wasn’t some piece of shit or
just a hole for people to stuff their dicks in.
“Vic, I…” I swallowed back the lump again and the stringing in my eyes,
“Don’t.”
“What did they do? I won’t tell anyone. You know I won’t,” he said to me.
“If I talk about it, it happened. I want it to not be real. I want it to go
away so I don’t have to feel it anymore. If I talk about it I can feel it still
and I can’t deal with that. Not right now,” I answered.
“Ok, I can understand why you don’t want to talk about it. Can I look at what
you did to your leg? I know you don’t want me to touch you. Especially on your
thighs or anywhere like that so just show me and I’ll take a close look at it.
I won’t touch it unless I think I need to, all right?” Vic said softly to which
I sighed and nodded my head.
I pulled my leg out from under the covers making sure I kept everything else
that he didn’t need to see under the blankets and he looked at it. It looked
red and angry but not open. More thin lines then I thought they would be, then
I remembered them being when I made the cuts.
“They look like they might be a little deep but it’s been too long for stitches
at this point. They don’t look red or inflamed. I’m going to touch it and see
if it feels warm to the touch ok?” He said looking at me waiting for my
response.
“Ok,” I answered.
His fingers hovered above my thigh before I felt his hand touch me making me
jump. Making my heart feel like a caged bird was trying to escape my chest. I
knew I was having a panic attack so I closed my eyes and tried to breathe
through that horrible overwhelming feeling climbing through my skin, starting
where he had touched me and moving up my spine. He pulled his hand away after
probably half a second.
“Ok, it’s over. I’m done. No more,” he said, “Open your eyes. See? My hands are
right here. No more touching.”
I opened my eyes to see both of his hands held out in front of him. It helped
but only slightly. The act giving me reassurance that he wasn’t touching me
anymore. I hated him touching me. I knew he had only rimmed me to save his own
life but, everything about him still made me nervous. Still made it hard to
think, made my chest flutter and made me want to pull away and curl up into a
ball. I think he knew it too. That’s why he made sure I could see his hands.
Why he asked if he could touch me.
“It doesn’t feel warm to the touch for now. I think you’re going to be ok
however I would like it if you wouldn’t cut yourself anymore. I only ask one
thing from you. You need to eat. I know you don’t feel like eating right now. I
have no idea what happened yesterday but, I need you to eat. If you don’t, and
I will know because I will be seeing you after school on Monday to get your
weight and do some blood work, you’ll be going back on boost or getting a GI
tube again ok?”
“Ok. I’ll try. I just… sometimes my stomach doesn’t want food. And what’s the
point? It only makes things messier,” I answered.
“You have to eat. You have to eat to live. To be strong,” he told me.
“Yeah well Da and Leo aren’t a fan of shit so…” I hissed.
“Well, next time they make you feel like they have problem with it tell them
that maybe they should keep their dicks to themselves,” Vic answered me.
“Yeah, right,” I snorted.
“Well that got a small smile. But seriously, eat. You stop eating we’re going
to end up pulling you out of school and you know you can’t be out of school and
you know why,” Vic said.
“You mean Da? Yeah, I know. I’m not sure it matters but I know,” I answered.
“What do you mean? Has he been hurting you?” Vic asked.
I sighed. I didn’t want to answer. If no one had told him about Thursday I
didn’t want to be the one. I hated those parties I hated thinking about them.
It wasn’t fair that they made me do that. Not with Will, he didn’t deserve that
and I didn’t want to think about what I had done to him.
“Since mum came home he’s been busy with her. Taking care of her,” I answered
not wanting to discuss any of it.
“How is your mum doing?” He asked me.
“She seems fine. We’re not allowed to talk about anything. Any of that stuff
because Leo and Da have her convinced it was all in her head. Some delusion she
was having. I can’t even, I’m alone. Not that I’d tell anyone about it but. You
know. They don’t let me really hang out with him still. I’m either at home or
I’m here. Da and Leo are taking about recontracting me. It’d be a week here and
then a week at home. I’d be stuck here. He doesn’t let me wear shirts usually.
Did you know that?” I asked Vic not daring to look at him.
“No. No I didn’t,” Vic said.
“I just want something, some control. I want a say and everything is them. They
decide, they lie, they ignore me, they force me and push and pull and grab and
kiss and….”
“Ok. Ok, John you’re ok. John just breathe, breathe,” he said moving the
pillows behind my head so that I was sitting up more.
I felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me. Because it was all true. I
wasn’t allowed a say in anything. Even my choices were A or B choices and
neither outcome was favorable. Leo basically told me because I would rather
have sex with Hank than sound I needed to be punished because I should always
choose him. Because I was his. Just like I was Da’s.
“I’m tired of not being a person,” I said after I had managed to stop crying.
“You are a person. You were never not a person John. They’re just sick men who
hurt people,” Vic said, “I will talk to your mum and with time I think we’ll
get her back. I know it must be hard having her right there but not having
her,” Vic said.
“I’m more worried about everyone else. It used to be being with them I didn’t
have to think about it. Da, all of this bullshit but now. It’s different now.
Did you know Hank if paying my Da money for Mac?” I asked.
“No, what do you mean for him?” He asked me, “And I thought Mac was only like
2.”
“He’s giving Da money so that when Hank has it all paid whatever, amount it is
they agreed on he can have sex with him,” I answered.
“Are you kidding me?” Vic asked his mouth falling open in shock.
“That’s what I heard. That’s what Da basically told me,” I answered.
“That’s not, nope. Ok, do you have any journals you’ve been keeping? Your
brothers?” Vic asked.
“Will has been keeping his from what I understand. But I don’t and, huh the
twins? I don’t know about. Mike might keep one but he’s kind of quiet about it.
James isn’t a great writer yet I mean he’s better then he was because he’s
seven but his spelling is still kind of off and I wouldn’t look at it anyway if
he did keep one. Matt I’m not sure but Matt is screwed up,” I answered, “Why?”
“Ok, huh has Hank or anyone else given Mac any attention? Like spending time
with him, playing with him?” Vic asked.
“Hank, has given him and Andy some toys. I once saw him and Uncle Ben with them
in the pool. They just kind of I don’t know. I know what it is though. It’s
trying to get them used to it. Da said he did the same thing to me. That he
gave me lots of toys and attention. That he got me used to it until uncle Ben
messed it up for him,” I answered.
“What do you mean?” He asked me.
“He said when I was really little he used to come into my room…at night and
he’d… I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I said starting to feel choked
up.
“Ok, we don’t have to talk about it,” Vic said to me, “So, no stitches ok? I’ll
talk to Leo about the shirts because I know you probably feel a lot more
comfortable covered but, I can’t make any promises that he’ll listen. I’ll see
you on Monday after school ok?”
“Yeah thanks,” I said as Vic got up opening the door and then shutting it
behind him.
They left me alone for a few minutes before Leo came back in looking at me
carefully. He had this look on his face like he was mad at me. I didn’t know
what to say or do so I looked at my lap pulling the blankets into my chest.
“So…he said no stitches. That’s good. I have a question however, why do you
want a shirt?” He asked me.
“I…feel naked without one,” I answered.
“Well, that’s half the point you realize? I enjoy looking at you. You have a
beautiful body,” He answered, “Is it wrong I want to see it?”
“I…,” I wasn’t sure what to say. If I told him no I felt like he would get
pissed. If I said I didn’t want him to he’d get pissed. I didn’t want to be
touched anymore and I knew he was going to touch me. It didn’t matter what I
said but maybe if I just let it happen he wouldn’t be so angry.
“Well?” He asked me waiting for my answer.
“I-I’m sorry,” I barely muttered.
“Just tell me what’s wrong. What’s wrong with me wanting to see how beautiful
you are?” He asked me again.
“I’m not beautiful,” I answered shaking my head.
“Yes, you are baby,” he said sliding his hand up my leg again, “Let me show
you? Can I show you how beautiful you are?”
I closed my eyes as he laid on top of me his nose brushing against mine before
he forced his tongue past my lips. He didn’t waste any time. No foreplay, not
preparing me just did it. He called me names while telling me I was beautiful
and perfect. Everything making me feel sick.
For some reason, I don’t remember the rest of that night or Sunday. I know I
went to mass but it’s like it’s all gone. Almost like it never happened. I
don’t even really remember the drive to school on Monday only stepping out of
the car.
“Rabbit, hi…” Pat’s face fell, “What’s wrong?”
I shrugged my shoulders before I felt my lip start trembling. I couldn’t hold
it together anymore. I couldn’t hide how gross I was. How bad they had made me
feel. How I would never be normal. I hated everything and I just wanted time to
stop.
“Oh Rabbit, oh no honey,” Pat said frowning, “Come on. Come on, it’s ok.” He
said grabbing my hand and leading me to our spot where he allowed me to wrap my
arms around his neck and he held me, “What happened Rabbit? Talk to me huh?”
I hugged him tightly as he rubbed my head cooing into my ear, trying to calm me
down. I knew I didn’t deserve it. Deserve his love, his comfort but I needed
him so badly. After I had calmed down enough I pulled away looking at him.
“Thanks,” I said breaking physical contact.
“What’s wrong? Can you talk to me?” He asked me.
“I’m fine,” I answered.
“John, you are far from fine right now. I can see it in your eyes,” Pat
replied.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered.
“Hey,” Dom said walking up and then frowning as he saw the looks on our faces,
“What’s going on?”
“Bad weekend,” Pat answered.
“How bad is bad?” Dom asked.
“They had a thanksgiving party,” Pat answered.
“Oh, shit and you guys were the party favors?” Dom asked to which Pat nodded.
“And then John is contracted on weekends. So, he had to go there and he’s
just…he’s not doing well,” Pat answered and I shoot him a look.
“I’m fine,” I insisted. Not wanting to talk about anything that had happened.
“Pat can I talk to him alone?” Dom asked him.
“John are you ok with that?” Pat asked me.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” I answered.
“Ok, I’ll see you in a little bit. I love you.” Pat said and walked away.
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked Dom confused.
“He’s trying to help you. You know that, right?” Dom asked me.
“I know,” I answered, “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Are you trying to protect him?” Dom asked me.
“From knowing what happened? Maybe? I don’t know,” I answered.
“You do realize he’s not going to be upset with you or anything like that. You
know that. So, why keep it from him?” Dom asked.
“Because I can see it in his face every time he comes up. Pat blames himself
for what he does and I can’t…I can’t deal with seeing that in his face. I
can’t. I need him to not blame himself. To not break down because I am so
fucking close to putting a bullet through my brain right now. So, if you don’t
mind Dom I would rather just not talk about it with anyone,” I answered.
“You mean Hank? If you can talk to anyone about Hank it’s me. You know that,”
Dom said his eyebrows knitting together in confusion and sympathy.
I sighed. He was right. Hank was a problem we shared. If anyone knew anything
about Hank, about what he was like. It was Dom.
“Has Hank ever…you know…?” I asked not daring to look at his face.
“I’m not sure what you know is but, possibly,” Dom answered.
“I mean without …,” Dom stopped me.
“Once,” Dom said, “Like he put it on because someone was watching but once they
left the room he said some stuff I don’t care to repeat and then he took it off
and …you know. He did that to you?”
I nodded my head, “On Friday after the party. He kept saying stuff about it at
the party. It’s not the first time he has. I just think it’s the first time
he’s asked my Da to and Leo. He did it once before when my mum ran away with us
and we were gone. He just did it. I hate it when they do that. Before that Da
was the only one who had ever done that. And then afterwards there was Leo.”
“Pop and Dad never use one,” Dom said.
“I’m sorry,” I replied.
“I hate Hank,” Dom said shaking his head, “He’s awful. I think sometimes it’s
because he’s so erratic. He’s never the same it seems like. Not even position.
Not whether he’s going to bite or not, nothing about him is constant or
something you can expect. At first you don’t know that though. At first, he
seems pretty set but, no he’s different. He changes.”
“He’s been less violent lately,” I answered, “He’s not using toys as often or
biting. He said it’s because L…Leo told him I respond better if they…”
“If they are gentle?” Dom asked, “Yeah Pop told him that once. He got bored of
it after a while but I hated it. I almost killed myself for the first time
during that.”
“I can’t talk to Pat about that,” I answered shaking my head, “I can’t make him
feel guilty for that.”
“I think by not telling him about it that you’re going to worry him. I’m not
saying you should tell him. Or that you have to but I think someone should
point that out to you. There are a lot of things you don’t say to Pat. I
haven’t said anything to him on purpose but you have to understand that
sometimes things slip. I’m sorry if I have ever told him something he didn’t
know about,” Dom told me.
“That’s ok. I don’t say a lot to you about it anyway so if I have I figured it
would probably get out at some point,” I answered.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked barely above a whisper.
“Yeah,” Dom answered nodding his head.
“When Lou makes you…” I started feeling like I was choking.
“Take your time,” Dom said quietly closing his eyes and exhaling deeply.
“When he does the sounding thing, has he ever used one that moves?” I asked my
whole body shaking with anxiety.
“A vibrating one? Yeah,” Dom answered looking at his feet, “Why?”
“Has he ever used a vibrator back there at the same time?” I asked and Dom
hissed in pain at the thought.
“Nope,” Dom said looking at me again his eyes squinting, “That sounds painful.
Like it would hurt after a while.”
“It hurts so bad,” I answered, “He left me there like that for what felt like
hours. I couldn’t …it hurt so bad. It almost burned. That was after Hank.
Because I said I didn’t want to do it.”
“Pop does stuff like that. He’ll give me a choice but not a real choice. I
learned that trick really quick though. Only took like two times before I
caught on. I was like six and he said I could do something with Dad or do
something else with him and of course I chose Dad because Dad doesn’t use the
toys and the whips he just likes sex. So, I chose Dad and did what he wanted
and then Pop took me and did what he wanted to anyway,” Dom told me.
“I’m sorry,” I answered.
“Me too,” Dom said nodding his head, “It is hard to talk about this stuff with
Pat because he’s Hank’s son or is it also because he’s your boyfriend?”
“I don’t know,” I lied.
I didn’t want him to know how disgusting I was. The things that they did to me
when he wasn’t there. It made me feel dirty like the whore I was or, that I
thought myself to be. He deserved someone better and I was afraid if he knew
all of that stuff he would see it and then I would have no one. That he would
realize how horrible and nasty I was and then I would be alone. At least with
Dom I didn’t have to worry about that because Dom’s pop was very similar to my
Da and to Leo.
 So, he knew. He knew about the toys and the stuff they said because he heard
it too just from different mouths. In different whispers, as different bodies
laid over top of him and made him scream. Made him hate himself as much as I
hated myself.
“Are you going to be ok today?” Dom asked me quietly.
“You’ll be there, right? And Pat. So yeah. I think so,” I answered.
“And if Father McClairen stares at you that one kid will make one of his
comments and get him to stop. I still think it’s hilarious he doesn’t realize
how much he is literally saving your ass,” Dom said shaking his head but
smiling.
“Caesar?” I asked, “Yeah he’s doing it to be funny I think. It however it draws
a lot of attention to it and it’s not attention I want.”
“John, you don’t want anyone’s attention,” Dom replied.
“That’s very true. Do you blame me though?” I asked him.
“No. I have to agree with you, I prefer the shadows. It makes it easier to
disappear for a little while. I love how when I disappear for like a week none
of you ever ask me where I was at so I don’t have to make up stupid excuses or
tell you anything. You just act like it’s all normal,” Dom told me.
“Well, I know where you are when you’re not around usually so…no need to ask. I
can guess for myself what happened too,” I answered.
“Well yeah. I mean you’ve gotten the shit beat out of you plenty too lately.
Pat told me about that, what you did. Telling Ben no., I thought it was the
dumbest thing I have ever heard of you doing,” Dom commented.
“Probably up there in my top five, yeah. It really sucked. However, the break
it gave me was amazing. Not having a dick shoved up my ass every other night,”
I answered.
“I’d be careful because that might hurt and make you hate yourself but it won’t
kill you. Whereas a fist to the kidney if someone hits hard enough that just
might,” Dom pointed out.
“I don’t know. Being dead might not be so bad. I just don’t care to try on my
own again even though the urge hits often. I don’t want to try again because
I’m afraid I’ll fail. Then I have to deal with Neal and I can’t deal with him
again. I’d rather die than deal with Neal again,” I said.
“Yeah. No one wants to deal with him,” Dom said, “Adam is still trying to get
past all of that. The hospital. He’s doing better though. Sam was his big
tormenter there. Apparently, he did a lot of things to Adam but Adam was there
for a while.”
“He mentioned he’d been there for a little bit but, he didn’t say how long,” I
said, “How is he doing?”
“He says Dad is easier than dealing with the hospital or his last dad. So
that’s good. He says it helps that there isn’t a little one in the house that
he feels bad for. That it’s just him and me and he knows there’s nothing that
goes on that I’m not used to. He doesn’t have as many questions anymore. I
think he’s found his way around their personalities,” Dom said, “He’ll be
coming to school after New year’s. They’re doing a rebranding on us both of us
so that will be fun. Who knows, you might have to attend. It just depends.”
“Rebranding?” I asked confused.
“Well mine is faded and because he’s getting fake officially adopted his level
is going up so his will change from a one to a two. So, they have to redo his
and mine I got when I was like 8. Because they don’t brand anyone under the age
of 8 and I’m now 14 so it’s time for them to refresh it. The last rebranding
you go through is when you’re 18. If you need one that is. Yours probably won’t
be faded enough for you to ever go through a rebrand but you’ll see plenty of
the ceremonies for it,” Dom told me.
“That really sucks,” I answered.
“Yeah,” Dom said, “Considering it’s a marathon until your rose budding pretty
much. But then they leave you alone for like a month. So that’s pretty nice.
Otherwise at my house that doesn’t happen like I’ve said before.”
“Rose budding?” I asked very confused.
“It’s when they huh, too much anal sex it creates this pucker kind of, that’s
really sore it actually really hurts. If they keep going after that happens
you’ll prolapse meaning your insides come outside and that can take surgery to
fix. So, if your rosebud they’ll give you a rest,” Dom answered.
“That sounds really gross,” I answered.
“It is. But it’s more painful then gross. As it heals, even after it doesn’t
hurt anymore it still feels really really fucking weird. Like tender kind of.
It’s not pleasant.”
“Yeah, what else is going on?” I asked trying to find a way to change the
subject.
“Not much,” Dom answered, “I quit smoking.”
“You did? I mean I haven’t really been smoking lately either. I think we’ve all
kind of slowed down,” I said.
“Do you think that means we’re all less stressed or more stressed?” Dom asked.
“More. Because usually it means we’re talking to each other less I think,” I
answered, “Not that I get a lot of free time anyway but it is what it is,” I
answered.
“Yeah, did the bell ring and we miss it?” Dom asked.
“I think so,” I answered, “Is it weird I don’t give a fuck?”
“No, I honestly don’t blame you for not being in a hurry to go to school. I
mean it’s just math, right? Are we really missing anything?”
“Probably not,” I answered.
“Tomorrow we have an assembly about staying holy during the holy days,” Dom
said laughing.
How on earth did you stay holy when someone was raping you up the ass?
Homosexuality wasn’t exactly something the bible approved of. Even though I was
pretty sure it didn’t approve of rape either. Swearing was out so were a lot of
other things that happened in my life. How on earth is a teenager supposed to
be anywhere near holy. Like what the hell?
“The look on your face man,” Dom said laughing harder, “You must be thinking
too hard about how that would work.”
“I am,” I answered nodding my head.
“Well you want to skip it and stay out here or be late?” He asked me.
“Skip if that’s ok? You going to go in?” I asked him.
“Nah,” he answered, “I don’t know. I just feel like blowing shit off you know?
I mean my break is going to suck ass might as well give it a reason to suck
ass.”
“What’s vacation like for you?” I asked curious.
“Time at the Villa usually. Have to do whatever with whoever. I used to spend
it high off my ass any chance I got. But my source has dried up so I either
have to hope Chad is feeling friendly enough that if I blow him he’ll give me
something nice or just deal with it,” Dom answered, “You?”
“Da throws parties. He threw one on Thursday. It was horrible,” I answered
quietly.
“You want to talk about it?” Dom replied back.
I shrugged my shoulders before glancing up realizing he wasn’t looking at me
before answering verbally, “I don’t know.”
“It’s going to be weird. Having sex with my brother,” Dom said suddenly.
“What?” I asked confused.
“Well they are adopting him even if it’s fake. So, that makes him my brother,”
Dom answered, “I barely remember having one before. So, it will be a new
experience.”
“Well, it’s weird. Having sex with your brother I mean. Because it’s not
something you want to do but, you know you don’t really have a choice. It’s huh
you don’t want to hurt them and then you feel guilty that you…well. Yeah.” I
muttered unsure of myself and what I was trying to say.
“They’ve made you sleep with your brothers?” He asked me.
I felt my face flush, “Just one but, yeah. Like three times now.”
“I’m sorry,” Dom said.
“Last time was Thursday it was a huh, Pat and I and him.”
“Ouch. That must have been really weird. Getting done by your brother and your
boyfriend at the same time,” Dom said his eyebrows raised.
“Well, my brother wasn’t doing me it was more…” I trailed off.
“Oh man. That’s just not fair,” Dom said, “Don’t they know how much you care
about those kids? I mean I haven’t met most of them, but Cole and Pat talk
about them all the time and how you basically take care of them.”
“Yeah I really don’t enjoy it. It was actually really embarrassing having
to…you know. The worst part is no matter how much you don’t want to feel it,
you do,” I said.
“It’s like that all the time for me. I try so hard to shut it out and I just
can’t. It hurts but at the same time it doesn’t hurt. Like I’ve said before. A
lot the time on the weekends if I’m not at the Villa Pop he won’t let me leave
my bedroom, our bedroom. He won’t let me wear clothes. He …he’s not nice.” Dom
said quietly.
“Leo makes me take my clothes off the moment I get in the door to his house. It
always scares me. I don’t like being in a room with him or Da because what they
want it’s written all over their faces. Their hands are always everywhere. It
doesn’t matter what I do. I can scream until I can’t scream anymore and they’ll
just keep going. At the parties, sometimes they blindfold me and then put these
like headphones on so I can’t hear anything. Then they…I can’t tell whose hands
are where, whose mouth is where. It makes me panic and I can’t hear them but
I’m pretty sure they laugh. That it makes them happy. They make me feel so
gross it doesn’t matter how many showers I could ever take. If Pat feels that
way about it he doesn’t tell me. They said it’s because I’m good. Because
everyone else fights,” I said.
“No, it’s something else. It has to be something else because I fight plenty
and they don’t let up on me either. I mean I don’t have to deal with Leo and
your Da but I still have to deal with Hank. I have to deal with Finick. It’s
not anything you did or that you do, I don’t think. I mean I don’t exactly
fight but I don’t just bend over and take it.”
“Why me though? Why us? He’s in love with me. My Da he’s told me that. And he
shouldn’t be,” I admitted to Dom.
Those words were only something I had ever really said to my mum and Vic but
not anyone else. Never anyone else. I didn’t know what to do about it. About
his feelings for me or Leo’s feelings. I didn’t know how to process them. How
to deal with the way they looked at me. The way they had sex with. The way they
saw that in their minds, the wheels turning behind their eyes before they ever
touched me.
“I don’t know what to tell you. Just make sure you keep making it clear to him
you don’t feel that way about him,” Dom said.
“I do, I do and it doesn’t matter that’s what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter to
them that I don’t…they want to cuddle with me and touch me and I can’t stand
it. I can’t fucking stand it. If they would just have sex with me and then let
me go it would be so much easier. But they don’t do that, they can’t do that
and I don’t know why.”
“Because they’re sick. Because they want you to feel alone. Pop once told me
that he’d never love anyone else the way he loves me. I just want to belong to
myself sometimes you know?” Dom sighed.
“Yeah,” I nodded my head in agreement, “They don’t let you do anything. Not
even wear clothes when you want to sometimes. If you don’t listen you know
they’ll hurt you bad. They’ll make the lesson stick. Whether it’s throwing you
to some asshole who is going to beat the snot out of you and make you bleed or
go after someone else you care about. They make sure you remember you’re
theirs.”
“Yeah,” Dom answered clearing his throat, “They tell me I’m brought and paid
for all the time. Constantly.”
“When Da gets really mad he says he made my body and he’ll do what he wants
with it,” I said, “Don’t tell anyone that please.”
“I won’t. It’s not true though you know? His DNA might have contributed to your
existence but the way you take care of your body is what has made it what it is
not him,” Dom said to me.
“I don’t know,” I sighed, “I honestly don’t know.”
“No man, don’t let them in your head. That’s how we end up in the fucking
hospital under Neal or Sam or Gavin. Don’t think that way. Don’t listen to
anything that they have to say. They want us to believe them so we’ll keep our
mouths shut. So, we’ll think we’re stuck,” Dom insisted.
“Aren’t we stuck though? I mean it’s not like there’s anyone we can tell that
would stop it. It’s not like we can get them to stop. You said so yourself. I
think the only way out of this is to die or run away and like totally lose our
identities,” I said.
“Yeah let’s just run away. I’ll become big D and you can be little J,” Dom said
snorting with laughter.
“Yeah sure. That would never work,” I said.
“Yeah but it would make everyone ask what little J meant and where you got the
nickname,” Dom said, “Little Jesus.”
“Yeah because I’m so Latin no one would question that.” I smirked.
“Dude you totally look like you could be Latino that red hair and those green
eyes with that pale skin and freckles. No one would think anything of it,” he
teased.
“They would probably think big D meant big dick,” I said as Dom burst out
laughing.
“Yeah and then if they ever managed to catch a look they would be so surprised
the only thing big about me is the amount of fat on my body,” Dom said shaking
his head.
“Dom you’re like stick thin,” I said shaking my head.
“Me? What about you?” Dom asked me, “You like never eat anything ever.”
“That’s not true. I eat I just…my stomach is upset a lot. My stomach isn’t
concave though,” I answered.
“Yeah it kind of is,” Dom replied.
“Not as bad as yours,” I said.
“Really? Let’s see then,” Dom stood up and untucked his shirt pulling that and
his undershirt up exposing his belly as he looked at it and I did the same
comparing our two stomachs.
They were a pretty close match. I was just slightly taller than Dom was. They
both looked like they lacked the fat they badly needed. Our hip bones poking
forward past our stomachs which were hallowed out. The top of our rib cages
bulging out again our ribs countable. We were both sick.
“We look horrible,” I said.
“Yes,” Dom agreed, “However when you’re throwing up everything you eat because
you have so much anxiety your stomach is beyond upset you wouldn’t exactly look
good.”
“Yeah,” I nodded in agreement, “I have a question for you.”
“What?” He asked me.
“When we were in the hospital Adam told me, Josh thought you had a crush on me.
Is that true, did you? Or do you?” I asked him.
“Huh,” Dom sighed running a hand through his hair, “It doesn’t matter, right? I
mean you’re with Patrick so it’s a whatever, right? That and you know I’d never
hurt you. Never threaten to hurt you or even think about it.”
“I know. I’m just curious,” I told Dom, “Because you know I’m not gay, right?
That it’s just…I don’t know he’s different. He’s not like anyone else.”
“Yeah I get that. I’m pretty sure I’m not gay either. It’s just like you said
and if I could picture myself with any guy willingly it would probably be you.
That doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you. Just that maybe I’ve had a
dream or two. By the way when you’re naked around me I try to make sure I don’t
look,” Dom said.
“I don’t look either. Cole was actually scandalized by that. I asked him what
his level was and he was like “how many times have you seen me naked and you
don’t know? I was like dude, I’m usually kind of busy,” I said laughing
lightly.
“It’s weird how often we all see each other naked and don’t think about it at
all,” Dom commented, “Not that we have a lot of time to think when we are naked
together.”
“Just breathe. That’s what I’m usually thinking. Just breathe.”
“Mine is, it can’t last forever,” Dom said before we grew quiet sitting there
in silence.
I thought about that. How we each probably had a mantra we repeated in our head
while it was happening. Something to try and keep us calm because in certain
situations we had to be. At the Villa, you got caught saying no by the wrong
person you got in big trouble. With my Da you said no you got hit or choked.
With Leo, he loved hearing no but you trying to push him away was bad news. So,
staying calm was very important.
“After the party Leo took me home with him. I spend the weekend with him. Every
weekend. I spend every weekend with him. He raped me. He always rapes me. He
asked me if I would rather sound or be with Hank. I chose Hank so he called him
over. Leo held my arms down while Hank…then he was mad and he said that I
should always choose him over anyone else. Always and he shoved a vibrator up
my ass and then a vibrating sound up there and he left me there chained up. He,
he didn’t want to stop. Even after he pulled it out he wasn’t done. He’s always
touching me. That’s why you don’t see me on the weekends anymore. Because I’m
with him. He told Dick that he could go to second base with me if he wanted to.
And then asked me who I would rather spend time with. I chose him. Of course, I
would though. I would have been stupid not to because he would have just done
it anyway after Dick was done with me.”
Dom sat there with me silent for a couple of minutes before he spoke, “I’m
sorry. That’s not fair. Especially after that party if it’s anything like being
at the Villa.”
“Sometimes it’s worse,” I answered not able to look Dom in the face, “A lot of
group stuff happens. That and usually my brothers are down there and I know it.
Even if I don’t see or hear anything. Will worries me. Every time I’m with him.
He says that he doesn’t blame me. That he knows I don’t want to but, he just
seems so detached. Like he’s not even really there. They made me climb on top
of him and before I could protest he started kissing and biting my neck. He
just, seems like it’s not him. Like he’s not there and yet he’s …”
“It sounds like he might just be checking out. Just doing it because he has to.
Because he knows if he doesn’t it would be worse,” Dom answered me, “Because he
likes it just about as much as you do. He can’t say no. Just like you can’t say
no. So maybe that’s just his way of dealing with it.”
“He’s usually so opinionated and blunt and when we’re there he just…he’s not
him. That scares me. I don’t want to hurt him like that and I don’t know how
to…” Dom cut me off.
“You aren’t hurting him because you want to. They are making you. I’ve heard
stories ok? I’ve heard bad stories where someone has refused and they have
blown the other persons brains out. It’s very serious to say no to that. If you
love your brother you do it. Trust me. You don’t ever say no to them. Not like
that. You know how lucky Pat is that when he says no he just gets a beating?
Don’t ever say no to them. Not unless you want to be wearing your brother’s
brains on your face ok?” Dom warned me his voice hard, serious, scary.
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Ok I understand.”
“Sorry just…I’ve seen bad things happen all right? They do it almost like they
do to boyfriends only they just shoot them. Maybe because there’s not any
sexual relationship going on I guess but it’s bad. If he says he doesn’t blame
you go with that and try not to blame yourself. Because honestly, you’re just
doing it to make sure you both make it out of that room,” Dom insisted.
We heard the bell ring from inside and Dom sighed, “We should get ready for
class. If we don’t huh, if you want to skip the rest of the day we can.”
“No, I can’t. I can’t ever do that again Leo will find out and then bad things
will happen,” I answered starting to walk towards the front door Dom following
me.
“Ok,” he said nodding his head, “Are you ready to deal with Finick?”
“Never,” I answered, “You?”
“As long as he doesn’t put on a video and grind up on me I’m ok with him
today,” Dom said as we opened the door and walked into the building hurrying to
class.
We got to the hallway and noticed Pat who smiled at us, waving. He seemed like
he was still worried. Like he wasn’t sure whether I was ok or not until I
walked up to him and smiled.
“You ready for this?” Pat asked me.
“Finick you mean? Huh, as ready as I’ll ever be to be groped with the lights
out since all he does is show videos this year,” I answered.
“Wait until we do biology. I think we start with plants and then work our way
up the chain to where we discuss reproduction,” Pat said, “You missed the last
of the weather circuit. So that was fun.”
“I really don’t want to discuss reproduction or anything related to sex in a
room with that man,” I said.
“Yeah, I can’t really blame you,” Pat said, “But doesn’t Tosh sit right next to
you or like behind you?”
“Yeah but you sit on the other side of the room where everyone else has their
attention. It would have been a lot more helpful if he would allow you to sit
next to me. I’d feel a lot more comfortable,” I said.
“Yeah but that’s exactly why he didn’t sit us together. Just tell Tosh what’s
up. That Finick has a thing with you and maybe he’ll keep his hands to himself
if Tosh is watching and calls him out on it,” Pat said.
“Doubt it but, ok,” I said nodding my head.
Sure, enough when we got there we were watching a video on the life cycle of
the dandelion. I flipped the lights and sat down next to Tosh. My whole-body
tense, waiting for him to come up behind me at some point. He did and I felt
him breathing on my neck making me feel hot.
“Relax,” he whispered into my ear. His one hand on my shoulder while his other
hand landed on my hip making me bite my lip.
Tosh purposefully glanced over at me clearing his throat startling Finick
behind me, making him back away, “Can I see your notes I’m falling behind?” He
asked me to grab my paper, “Are you ok?”
I exhaled and then nodded my head, “Thanks.”
“You looked like you were about to faint,” Tosh said, “Was he…you know?”
“Huh, he was going to,” I answered back in the same hushed tone Tosh was using.
“In Japan that would not be ok,” he said quietly.
“Yeah in most places it’s not. it’s not ok here. That’s why he does it with the
lights off,” answered.
“There is something wrong with him yes?” Tosh asked me.
“There is something wrong with all of them I’m pretty sure,” I agreed.
“Quiet down and take your notes,” Fr. Finick said somewhere behind me.
I sighed feeling like the class would never be over waiting to feel his hands
on me. I sighed when the lights came on relieved that he was done. That he
hadn’t tried to grab me again. I couldn’t deal with him. I couldn’t. I rushed
ahead to my next class Pat by my side.
That class hour we talked about slavery. Somehow, I managed to tune out most of
the conversation until I heard someone say the word rape, then I felt my heart
start pounding against my rib cage and asked to go use the bathroom. I didn’t
want to think about that. Not ever. I hated thinking of myself as a victim but
rape was a word Vic made sure he used even if I wouldn’t use it myself. Because
that’s what it was every time they did that to me. It was rape.
I had just finished using the bathroom and was splashing cold water on my face
and washing my hands when I heard the bathroom door open. I looked in the
mirror to see both Chad and Dick staring at me. I felt my heart stop because
they were blocking the door. This wasn’t good. I didn’t know what was going to
happen. Were they going to corner me like they seemed to corner Dom? No one
else was here so would they ever care if I was a five? I had no idea what was
going to happen and I exhaled deeply.
“Scared?” Chad sneered.
“No,” I lied shaking my head.
“Think maybe you should be?” Chad teased coming forward causing my eyes to dart
around the room looking for an escape which he saw, “I wouldn’t even think
about it if I were you. That will just make it worse won’t it Rich?”
“I didn’t get my second base. So yeah, it would. You can be nice or you can
fight. It’s up to you. Just think about it quickly,” Dick taunted.
“Don’t,” I said folding my arms across my chest feeling dizzy and sick.
“Why shouldn’t we?” Chad asked me, “No one is here. And who would you tell?
You’d get into just as much trouble as we would. So, if you’re smart you’ll
keep your mouth shut unless we tell you to open it.”
“Come on. You don’t want me,” I said shaking my head somehow managing to keep
voice steady, “Aren’t you supposed to be straight outside in the real world
anyway?”
“A mouth is a mouth kid. On your knees,” Chad hissed.
No. I wasn’t doing this. No fucking way.
“What if someone walks in?” I asked.
“One of us is look out,” Dick answered, “Just stands outside the bathroom.
Makes sure no one comes in. Saves us some embarrassment.”
“Yeah, save you some embarrassment,” I huffed, “No. just no.”
“Really is that what your answer is? I can take it from your ass if you really
want me to. I prefer your mouth though. Are you sure your answer is still no?”
Chad asked me.
“I’m a five. I’m untouchable,” I answered quietly.
“No right now you aren’t. If they find out you had sex with someone without
permission it doesn’t matter what happens. It’s your word against ours. We’d
all be in trouble. So, if I were you, like I said. I’d make the smart decision.
You want to be able to sit back down when you go to class right?” Chad asked
again.
“I’ll fight you,” I said trying to straighten myself up trying to make myself
look taller.
“Chad, can you go look out for a second? I’ll talk to him,” Dick told Chad.
“Yeah sure, whatever man,” he said.
Chad opened up the bathroom door and probably leaned against it trying to look
causal as Dick came closer to me abruptly closing the gap between us. I felt
like I couldn’t breathe. This was going to be when he said those things. When I
couldn’t stand being in my own skin. When he touched me.
“Just do it,” Dick told me.
“Why don’t you just do it? You want someone to suck your dick so bad?” I hissed
surprising myself, “Just do each other. Like who would I tell?”
“Hey, calm down all right,” Dick warned me, “You think I’d let him fuck you
just like that? You might be my Dad’s but that makes you kind of mine too you
know?”
He reached out to touch my cheek and I slapped his hand away, “I’m not yours. I
don’t belong to anyone but myself.”
“That’s not true and you know it baby,” Dick said, “All you have to do is close
your eyes ok? I’ll make sure you don’t have to really do anything but stand
there for me all right?”
“No. No I like that even less then him shoving his dick in my mouth. No fucking
way,” I said shaking my head as his patience wore thin. He pushed me hard,
slamming my back into the sink behind me causing me to bounce off it and hit
his chest before I fell to the ground. As he grabbed me.
“Relax,” he said kissing into my neck, “I won’t hurt you.”
“Stop. No stop. STOP!” I screamed trying to push him away but he was just too
strong. His arms holding me in place.
I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I refused to cry in front of him but I
wasn’t just going to let him do it either. I twisted and turned before I kicked
his shin as hard as I could. It was like he hardly even responded. Like he was
made of rock. I struggled as his bit into my neck somehow managing to mess with
the top buttons of my button up and loosen my tie.
“Don’t! I don’t want to, stop!” I kept begging as he kept pulling at my clothes
grinding his body into mine. I felt like I should have been able to fight him
off. To get him to stop and nothing I was doing was helping me any. Just like
with Uncle Ben or Da. It didn’t matter how hard I fought. I had resided myself
to it happening when I heard a commotion outside the bathroom and someone
shoved their way past Chad.
Before I could say anything, Tosh had punched Dick upside the head stopping his
hands dead getting him to let go of me and then he started screaming at him. I
still have no idea what the fuck he said, all of it being in Japanese as he
kicked Dick repeatedly and then Pat and Dom and Cole stormed into the bathroom.
“Oh my god Rabbit,” Pat said as I threw myself into his arms burying my head
into his chest, “You’re ok. You’re ok I’m right here, you’re ok.”
“Fuck,” Dom swore under his breath, “They didn’t, did they?”
I shook my head not sure if he could see which I heard Pat whisper, “He just
shook his head no.”
“Thank god,” Dom said, “It would have been bad if they had. Trust me.”
“What does that mean?” Cole said I could hear the curiosity in his voice.
“When I was 11 Chad and a couple of other brotherhood guys they huh cornered me
in a bathroom. Let’s just say it hurt and I got beat up. Then I got send home
and beat up again and just yeah, not a good experience,” Dom said clearing his
throat as he ended a blush breaking out over his entire face.
“Sorry,” Cole said, “I’m sorry. You didn’t have to tell us. I was just…”
“Yeah no, I know there’s just. Everyone tells me I’m quiet and I don’t mean to
be. I just it’s hard. So, I thought I’d try it. Sharing something,” Dom
answered, “I thought maybe it would help.”
“They were going to rape me,” I whispered in Pat’s ear.
“I know. You’re ok though Rabbit. You’re ok,” Pat told me kissing my temple.
“Fucking bitches,” Tosh spat after chasing them from the bathroom, “Why are all
white men evil?”
“I’m not evil and I’m pretty white baby,” Cole said smiling.
“Besides you guys,” he added.
“They aren’t. I don’t think. I think we just have bad luck in knowing people?”
Dom said shrugging his shoulders, “I mean your Dad can’t be a good guy really.”
“No,” Tosh shook his head, “But at home he was an only one. Not like here.”
“Well, our fathers just happen to have found a group of people who all think
the same horrible shit,” Dom said his eyebrows raising.
“Guys can we not talk about Dad’s just now,” Pat said still holding me. My face
still buried in his chest, “Are you going to be ok to go to class? The bell is
about to ring.”
“I can’t,” I answered, “I can’t right now. Not with that. Not like this. I
can’t.”
“Ok, ok calm. You’re safe,” Pat told me, “I’ll stay with you. We’ll stay here
if you want. Or go to the library or something.”
“He got really close, didn’t he?” Dom asked and I could hear the unsteadiness
in his voice.
“Dom, I don’t think…” Pat started.
“Yes,” I cut Pat off, “Yeah. It scared me more than anything but yeah.”
“Sorry,” Dom replied, “You want me to stay with you for a while, you and Pat or
would you rather just be alone?”
“You can stay,” I answered.
“Do you want me to though?” Dom asked, “I’m not going to stay if you don’t want
me to.”
“Stay, please,” I answered looking up over Pat’s shoulder.
“Ok,” Dom nodded his head.
“I’m going to go back to class,” Cole said just as the bell rang.
“Thank you, Tosh,” I said.
“No problem. That was not cool,” Tosh answered, “I’m going to go with Cole. See
you at lunch?”
“Yeah, thanks,” I answered.
“Yes, thank you Tosh. I have a question; how did you know something was wrong?”
Pat asked.
“He left and then it took too long in my opinion. Something just didn’t seem
right,” Tosh answered, slapping Pat on the shoulder lightly and leaving the
bathroom as Cole held the door open for him.
“You guys have McClairen now right?” Dom asked me.
“Gus? Yeah,” Pat answered, “I’m not bringing him to class after that. Gus can
be a real asshole.”
“Why do you call him Gus? Oh! Never mind, I know,” Dom said, “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault,” Pat said, “Let’s sit down.”
Dom nodded his head as Pat made me let go of him briefly so he could pull is
blazer off for us to sit on as Dom did the same to his before I buried my head
in his chest again. His heart beat the only thing that was keeping me calm. I
still felt like I couldn’t breathe. Not after Dick doing that to me. Trying to
undress me like that. I felt sick and scared. Panicked like I shouldn’t be
there but I was trapped.
“Huh your fly is undone John,” Dom said as I went to go sit down.
“Sorry,” I said quietly blushing and doing up my fly.
“It’s ok. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t something you did,” Dom said making me bury
my head farther into Pat’s chest as I sat down next to him, “Hey I didn’t mean
anything by it. I’m sorry, ok?”
“I know you didn’t I just…I’m trying so hard to not…fall apart and I can’t. If
they keep doing this. I feel like I’m going crazy,” I said.
“I know,” Dom said, “I get it. You know what I do? Besides drugs, I sing and
listen to music in my room. It helps sometimes. Sometimes there are different
songs that really explain how I’m feeling. Like show me the meaning of being
lonely, just like stupid sad songs. Freak on a leash, the speed of pain, I want
to disappear, I don’t like the drugs. I don’t know. I listen to a lot of
music.”
“I don’t ever have any time for that,” I answered back, “I’m always with
someone so I doubt they would let me listen to music. At least music I might
want to listen to.”
“Just chill Rabbit ok? Just try to be calm. God, you’re shaking all over,” Pat
said rubbing my back as I stayed where I was closing my eyes, breathing him in.
They continued talking in hushed voices and I began to doze.
“Speaking of chatting what do you and he talk about anyway?” I heard Pat asks,
“I’m not trying to be nosy. It’s just I worry about what he doesn’t tell me.”
“I think that’s something you should ask him,” Dom replied, “Not to be mean
just like there’s stuff that I tell him that I wouldn’t want him talking about
so…”
“Your Dad mostly,” I answered from where my head was resting against his chest
my eyes still closed.
“I didn’t realize you were still awake,” Pat said rubbing my head.
“Yeah just barely,” I answered.
“You can talk about him with me you know. I used to be his favorite target once
upon a time,” Pat said.
“Pat it’s not that we don’t think you’ll understand. It’s just that there are
certain things you tell a friend that you wouldn’t tell your boyfriend or
girlfriend. Whatever he has to say about your Dad would upset you, get you
angry at him and that would get you into trouble at home. You’re not exactly
known for keeping your temper in check. So, we’re protecting you, keeping you
out of trouble you wouldn’t be able to keep yourself out of,” Dom answered.
“That’s my business,” Pat said, “Not to be mean. That and Dad isn’t interested
in me anymore. He’s too busy with other things. In fact, I think his range has
changed.”
“Changed how?” I heard Dom voice hitch.
“You know I hack his emails, right?” Pat asked Dom to which I’m sure Dom nodded
his head because I didn’t hear a reply, “He said he thinks he’s non-age
selective. That means anyone underage that doesn’t look adult is pretty much
what he’s interested in.”
“No,” Dom said shaking his head, “He can’t do that. I’m almost out he can’t.”
“Apparently, he is,” Pat said as I shivered against his side, “I know it’s not
fair guys. I’m sorry. If I could stop him I would.”
“I can’t deal with him on top of everyone else, fuck,” Dom said.
“Everyone else?” Pat asked.
“My dad’s. I mean Dad is more interested in Adam but that leaves me with Pop
and Pop is hard to deal with,” Dom said.
“You guys are always vague like I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why is
that?” Pat asked.
“I don’t want you to find me disgusting,” I admitted before Dom could open his
mouth.
“I could never find anything about you disgusting Rabbit. What they do to you
doesn’t make you disgusting, it makes them disgusting ok? I know you don’t want
to do the things they do to you, whatever it is. Thursday was intense for
everyone but that wasn’t enough for Leo, was it? That’s why you’re like this
today? And what? He promised Dick he could do stuff to you and Dick didn’t get
his chance so he was trying to take it? Is that what happened? Is that why
we’re sitting in this bathroom so you can catch your breath because Dick can’t
keep his hands to himself? Because Daddy promised him something he had no right
to promise? That makes them sick and disgusting not you,” Pat answered me.
“They do bad things to us Pat. Leo introduced Pop to sounding. I don’t know if
you know what that is but most of the guys in the brotherhood don’t. And it
doesn’t happen that often, but it’s very…it’s not nice,” Dom answered.
“Vic told me what that was. It sounds scary,” Pat said.
“It’s weird,” Dom said, “It’s like someone taking a dildo that’s a little bit
too big for your ass and shoving it in for the first time. Only it’s like that
just about every time. It stings and gives you those sick tingles and it hurts
to go the bathroom for days after it happens. It’s not nice at all.”
“I’m sorry you guys have to go through that,” Pat said, “My Dad is into some
sick shit but he doesn’t do that as far as I know.”
“No, he doesn’t,” I told Pat.
“Right he’ll just shove one up your ass instead. A vibrator I mean. Your Dad is
cruel sometimes. He bites, he scratches. He likes hanging you from things and
strapping you down to things. He once strapped me down by my neck and…” Dom
stopped speaking.
“Hey Rabbit it’s ok, you’re ok,” Pat said as I felt a third hand touching my
back gently.
“He did that,” I said after a minute, “I couldn’t see anything he was doing. I
knew it was him. I did, but not being able to see it. I hate not being able to
see them. Because if I can see them I can tell what they are thinking almost
and when I can’t…”
“I know Rabbit,” Pat soothed, “I know.”
“Yeah,” Dom said, “I hate not being able to see them.”
“They’ve never done that to me. The blindfold and headphones thing. I hope they
never do but, it’s one of those things, right? I guess it’s sort of like how
most people haven’t been made to wear their mothers dress while their Dad fucks
them when their 10,” Pat said chuckling a little and then his face falling his
eyes staring at nothing.
“You ok?” Dom asked and I could hear the seriousness in his voice.
“Yeah just, I don’t know. I haven’t ever told anyone that,” Pat said clearing
his throat.
“Something I have never told anyone if you want to hear I can…” Dom said.
“You don’t have to. You’ve already told us plenty today I think. You too John.
I just figured I’d give you guys some of my truths. I mean you guys hear me
talk about the regular stuff that happens to all of us but never really
anything private like that,” Pat said.
“I would ask why but let’s be honest. There really isn’t any reason why other
then he wanted to,” Dom said, “I won’t tell anyone.”
“I know you won’t,” Pat said, “And I know Rabbit won’t. You two tell each other
more than you tell anyone else so I figured I’d share one of my secrets. Not
that I’m expecting any back.”
“You want a secret?” Dom asked smiling at Pat.
“If you want to give me one,” Pat shrugged his shoulders trying to seem casual.
“I’m talking to this guy online. He seems nice. I haven’t told him about like
this. Obviously. I mean who would tell anyone about that? But, I’m thinking of
meeting up with him,” Dom said.
“I’d be careful with that,” I said, “A lot of those type of guys hang out
online. I started talking to one and hadn’t realized he’d seen my video before
until he showed up at his house. He made me bleed. That’s because I skipped
school. It hurt almost as bad as doubles,” I said.
“So that’s what you meant when you said you couldn’t skip like that again?” Dom
asked me and I nodded my head.
“I’m Leo’s until I’m home from school on Monday. Anything I do between the time
I leave for his house and the time I go home I’m his. So, he gets to pick what
he does to punish me. That guy. Apparently, he saw a video or something and he
liked it. So, he decided to hurt me. That he wanted to,” I said, “So just be
careful when meeting people you know from online ok?”
The bell rang announcing lunch and I sighed back into Pat’s chest. I didn’t
want to eat. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted to stay in that bathroom forever as long
as Dick never came back, as long as Chad never came back.
“Are you two hungry?” Pat asked looking at us, “Because you’re eating, both of
you. Let’s go.” He said pushing on my shoulder lightly making me get up before
he got up off the floor.
“Yeah sure,” Dom said.
“Will has that class today. I think we should stop by the library and check on
him since Wallace didn’t seem to take anything I said seriously last time,” I
said.
“You told me that you didn’t think he was serious about anything he said. Now
you’re telling me you weren’t sure?” Pat asked me.
“I just want to make sure everything is ok,” I answered.
“Ok well we can go check on Will make sure everything is ok. Do you know any of
his friends in case we don’t see him that we can ask to make sure he’s been all
right?” Pat asked me.
“I’m not really…” Dom cut me off.
“I think Todd is in a class with him,” Dom answered, “I know Todd. He’ll talk
to me if he sees me.”
“Who is Todd?” I asked confused.
“Todd McQueen Dark brown hair, light blue eyes, freckles. Surprisingly wears
glasses around his neck for reading,” Dom answered.
“How do you know him?” I asked.
“I just do,” Dom said. The look on his face saying please don’t ask again so I
nodded my head in respect.
We headed to the library and I managed to just spot the back of Wallace’s head
as he stepped into the bathroom near the library and I sighed feeling my heart
rate quicken, “Hey, Pat can you go check the library for him and see if he’s in
there? I just saw Wallace head to the bathroom so I’m going to make sure
Wallace wasn’t following him.”
“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “Be careful, all right?”
“Yeah,” I agreed walking down the hall slowly and opening the bathroom door. I
figured I had to piss anyway so it was a good excuse as any but was holding my
breath expecting to see something bad. My little brother wasn’t in there and I
sighed in relief going over to the urinal farthest away from Wallace and
whipping it out allowing myself to pee.
“Hi,” Wallace said noticing me, “Making sure I’m keeping my thoughts to
myself?”
“Something like that,” I said finishing up, “Are you?”
“You would have heard if I wasn’t I’m sure. I don’t want to scare him just…feel
him,” Wallace answered.
I shuddered at the thought of anyone touching my little brother, “Yeah well as
long as you keep your hands to yourself.”
“I will big bro don’t worry,” he said, “At least with him. If you ever want to
give something a try let me know.” He zipped up his fly walking past me and
washing his hands.
“I don’t need to try anything to let you know I’m not interested,” I said.
“Really because Rich says…” I cut off his sentence.
“Rich doesn’t know anything about me,” I said.
“That’s not what I heard. He keeps bragging that your Daddy’s contract and
Daddy has no problem sharing. Is that true?” Wallace asked me as he scrubbed
his hands with the soap the suds foaming as the water splashed hard against the
porcelain sink.
“No, it’s not true,” I lied.
 I didn’t want to admit that Leo had basically given a Dick a free for all.
That whenever Dick asked I was supposed to let him do whatever he wanted. That
of course he needed to run it by Leo before he approached me but, I was
supposed to submit. I didn’t want him to know because I didn’t want Dick
getting ideas that he could tell his friends they could do things to me too.
“I think Rich is an asshole by the way. Just wanted to know if the rumor was
true,” Wallace said.
“Why do you hang out with him and his friends then?” I asked.
“Honestly? We’re seniors. Brotherhood seniors are like 10 of us. Out of that
three of us are recruits huh, Chad and Rich are assholes. They are into hurt
core. I’m not that person. But, like you said bottoms won’t accept me. I don’t
believe in forcing people but I don’t like being threatened. If I wanted to
force Will I could and there would be nothing you or him could do to stop me. I
want you to understand that. I’m not asking to harass him. I’m asking so that
he’s aware of my feelings for him.”
“Well he’s aware of your feeling and he doesn’t reciprocate,” I replied.
“Yes, I understand that. I can accept his reluctance but I won’t give up,”
Wallace answered, “But I have backed off ok?”
“Fine, but if he says you said one thing to him to make him uncomfortable I
swear to god…” He cut me off.
“I get it,” Wallace answered, “I can respect that.”
“And you aren’t interested in hurting me at all?” I asked to make sure.
“Not really no, I’m not interested in hurting anyone. But like I said before I
don’t like being threatened. Anything else I say especially if it’s in front of
them it’s just to keep my rep. My Dad raised me differently from most guys in
the brotherhood. He emphasized trying to get consent. I know that’s something
that a lot of guys don’t care about but I happen to,” Wallace said.
“I wish they did,” I said quietly, “I can be fine with you as long as you stop
ok? Not friends but, I won’t hate you.”
“Ok. I’ve heard stuff about your Dad and he doesn’t seem so bad,” Wallace
commented drying his hands with paper towel.
“You have no idea what my Da is like,” I said, “Don’t assume you do please.”
“He seems like a nice guy for the most part. At the Villa I mean,” Wallace
said, “Compared to most of the guys that go there anyway.”
“He’s not,” I snapped, “Don’t let him fool you. He is anything but a nice guy.
If you asked Will he would tell you.”
“I have but he won’t talk about it,” Wallace said.
“So, we have an understanding then? You’re going to stay stopped and just let
it go, right?” I asked.
“No, I’m still going to let him know. Just maybe not so forcefully,” Wallace
answered, “I’ll try and be a little subtler.”
“Fine, fair enough,” I said, “I’m off.”
I washed and dried my hands leaving the bathroom. I felt sick to my stomach but
was thankful he was backing off. Consent? An 11-year-old can’t consent to dip
fucking shit. And my Da seemed like a good guy? My Da was a horrible person.
I walked out of the bathroom to find Will talking with Pat and Dom who seemed
slightly nervous. I could tell by watching the way he kept shifting his weight
from foot to foot and looking around to see if anyone was watching him. I
didn’t know why he was nervous but, it was pretty obvious he was.
“Hey so we’re going to lunch?” I asked coming up.
“Yes, and you two are going to eat some food,” Pat announced, “Take care. I’ll
see you later when you get home ok Will?”
“Yeah, see you Pat, John.” Will said going back towards the library.
“So?” Pat asked me.
“He said he believes in consent,” I muttered quietly.
“Oh, he’s one of those?” Dom asked raising an eyebrow.
“That’s like a thing?” I asked.
“In some groups, yeah. Nambla, it’s huh just as weird in my opinion but they
screw with your head a bit more. Pop knows a couple of them. He claims to be
one but he really isn’t,” Dom said as we joined the throng of students. Oddly
enough Dom and I both picked cobb salads but we both ate all of it laughing and
joking around.
“I had Delia ask me what boy band I liked better backstreet boys or nsync. Do I
look like I listen to boybands?” Cole asked the table.
“Yes, yes you do,” Dom said smirking before Cole reached out to playfully slap
him and Dom dodged his hand laughing.
“I do not…that often,” Cole admitted.
“I miss music,” I said shaking my head, “What I wouldn’t give to listen to a
stupid boyband even. Even though I don’t really like either Nsync or backstreet
boys,” I answered.
“Oh, come on, I think I look just like Kevin,” Pat said fake frowning.
“Huh, no,” I said shaking my head, “For one you aren’t as tall or as old and
you don’t have a goatee.”
“No, I don’t but I could, one day you never know,” Pat answered, “Come on and I
could sing.”
“Don’t sing here,” I said.
“OHHH John get rid of that look,” Cole said laughing.
“What look?” I asked confused.
“Puppy eyes,” Dom said taking a bite of his salad, “Think of someone’s grandma
and not Pat singing naked in the shower.”
“How did…?”
Everyone started howling with laughter. Apparently, what I was thinking of was
written all over my face. That moment I heard his hushed singing behind me as
he tried to keep me calm. How beautiful it had sounded. How well it had relaxed
me. I tried to think of something gross, the lint in someone’s belly button,
the corn chip smell of someone’s feet. And then I thought of Leo and that
killed any fun I was having right away. Causing me to sigh.
“You didn’t have to depress yourself man just get the goofy look out of your
eyes,” Tosh said.
“Yeah, I don’t know,” I said, “I don’t know.”
“You going to be ok to go to class after lunch or are we hiding out?” Pat asked
me.
“We should probably go back to class. I just don’t know if I can deal with
that,” I said.
“His horrible disgusting comments that Ruiz somehow always draws attention to
and embarrass him you mean?” Pat asked.
“Yes,” I answered, “He might be saying those comments as a joke, Ruiz I mean
but he makes me feel like everyone knows what he’s saying.”
“Well, Tosh said he heard Casper and Joel talking because you know he sits in
the back of the room. They called Gus a pervert and said he heard them say they
felt sorry for you because they get the impression he has a thing for you. They
hope he hasn’t done anything about it. Like molested you and what not. Casper
said he wanted to ask you and Joel said he didn’t think that was a good idea
because you’re always so quiet that if one of them offended you, you might
punch them,” Pat told me.
“I don’t think I would punch them. I’d probably stand there gob smacked that
they had to nerve to ask me a question like that,” I said.
“Who goes around asking stuff like that anyway? Did your teacher touch you
dirty? I mean really?” Dom muttered.
“Apparently Catholic school boys?” Pat asked, “Because you know, that’s a
question you ask people.”
“Yeah, what screams I want to be your friend more then, you know have you ever
been fucked against your will?” Pat said which caused Dom to cough water all
over me.
“Now, that is true friendship. Being covered in someone’s spit, thanks for
that. I needed a shower,” I said.
“I’m happy I could assist,” Dom said smiling.
“I think the true trophy of assistance goes to Tosh today,” Cole said.
“I agree with that. Man, I have never seen Chad and Dick move so fast,” Pat
said.
“Yes, thank you Tosh,” I said again.
“No problem,” Tosh said.
“What do their dad’s fucking feed them?” Dom said, “Like I mean they are strong
mother fuckers.”
“Well we are only 13 and 14 where as they are closer to 18. That’s a huge
difference in body development,” Cole said.
“I think they have too much protein in their diets. I kicked Dick in the shin.
It was like kicking fucking bone. Like I didn’t just not fight. I tried,” I
said which made everyone go quiet the mood growing serious.
“We know.” Cole sighed.
“The idea would never cross my mind of you just …not fighting Rabbit. Not ever.
No one would ever think you wouldn’t put up a fight to stop something you
didn’t want,” Pat said staring at me closely squeezing my knee gently under the
table.
“Yeah, someone would have to be stupid to think you weren’t going to fight
that,” Dom added, “Don’t worry about it. We know you John.”
“Yeah John we know you,” I heard Dick mocking Dom, “I bet you know him really
well, don’t you Dominic?”
“Don’t,” Pat hissed.
“I’m going to go,” Dom said, “And pretend that I didn’t hear that. When I get
back I want you gone Dick.”
“Come on it was a joke,” Dick said sighing, “So touchy…” He said leaning over
my back trapping me against the table making me panic.
“Dick let him go or I swear to fucking god. I will beat your fucking face in,”
Pat hissed.
All I could think in my head as the tension build around me Dick squeezing me
harder between the table in his body was “let me go let me go let me go let me
go”. I hated this. I hated being an object that people could just use and scare
and abuse and hurt and hate. I felt like I was going to stop breathing when I
heard someone clear their throat.
“No need to be sinfully close,” Father Dunbee commented, “Back off Mr.
Swartzman before you are sent to the headmaster’s office. Even if whatever you
are doing is considered a wanted advance a sin and breaking the school no
physical contact policy puts you in hot water. Not just with the head master
but also the lord himself.”
“Yes, sir father,” Dick said backing up off of me and walking away.
“Are you fellows ok?” Father Dunbee asked our group, “Mr. Kingly? Mr.
McGregor?”
“Yeah, we’re ok thank you Father,” Pat answered.
“Ok I’ll see you in class later gentlemen,” Father Dunbee said before walking
away.
“Father Dunbee saving’s John’s ass in a literal way everywhere he goes,” Cole
said laughing lightly.
“Yeah real funny Cole,” I said shaking my head.
“What? He does. I mean like he got rid of Barren for you, didn’t he? I mean
he’s not stupid. He had to know what he was doing right?” Cole asked.
“Yeah, Barren is really not a good person though,” I answered.
“Whatever happened to him anyway?” Pat asked.
“I don’t know. I just know he’s gone and we’re all better off for it,” I
answered, “Now if Father Dunbee could get rid of everyone else I would be
forever in his debt.”
“Hey, I’ve been trying to get rid of everyone else,” Pat said pouting.
“How? By getting your ass beat? Please Pat that isn’t helpful,” I pointed out.
“He’s right, it’s really not,” Dom pointed out nodding his head thoughtfully,
“It would be more helpful to make sure he doesn’t get his ass beat.”
“Which I’ve been doing by keeping my mouth shut,” Pat said, “You know how hard
it is to keep my fists to myself when…” Pat sighed heavily giving a tight-
lipped smile.
“Hey,” Dom said looking at my face, “So has anyone seen that new movie that’s
out? Sleepy Hallow? It came out right before thanksgiving?”
“No, haven’t had a chance to see it,” I answered, “I don’t really get the
chance to do many things.”
“Tosh and I saw it, I think,” Cole answered, “Christina Ricci, Johnny Depp,
kind of old timey?”
“That’s the one,” Dom answered, “It’s supposed to be about sleepy hallow
obviously.”
“Who plays Ichabod?” Pat asked.
“Johnny Depp,” Cole answered.
“Really? He doesn’t seem dorky enough to be Ichabod,” Pat commented.
“Apparently Tim Burton thought he was,” Dom said.
“Was it any good?” Pat asked.
“It wasn’t bad,” Tosh answered.
The lunch bell rang sending me back into a silent panic. I wasn’t ready to go
to class but knew I’d have to. I knew if I skipped anymore classes I’d be in
trouble. I’d be Allan’s or someone else’s that would hurt me. I didn’t want
that. And I wanted to make sure Dick stayed away from me because he seemed very
focused on me.
“You ok?” Pat asked me.
“Yeah, why?” I asked standing up.
“Your face, it says you don’t want to go to class, that you’re not ready to,”
Pat answered.
“I just feel like something bad is going to happen. I don’t know,” I answered.
“Dude something bad already happened. You’re having aftershocks, you’re all
right,” Cole commented, “You’ll be fine.”
“I’ll be right there,” Pat assured me, “Nothing is going to happen if I’m right
there. Just trust me ok?”
“You know I trust you. I just don’t trust him,” I answered quietly.
“You’ll be ok,” Pat said.
We walked to class. Making sure we were hanging back so we didn’t get caught by
him outside the door. Pat didn’t want us to get in trouble for skipping and he
didn’t say anything when we came in as the last bell rang however he did stop
us as class was letting out.
“Mr. McGregor, Mr. Kingly I would like you two to stay for just a minute,”
Father McClairen said before we had a chance to escape the classroom and he
waited for the rest of the class to scatter, “Now can you tell me why you
missed the first half of class today?”
***** 42 *****
Chapter Summary
     John finishes the school day with the promise of punishing for
     skipping hanging over his head. A medical issues occurs causing Vic
     to be called and things go too far, Vic breaking a promise he had
     made to John and said he would never break. John admits to Leo he
     wants to kill himself and Leo tells him what's in store for him if he
     tries to do so.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 877 to 898. Heavy warnings in this chapter as you can tell by
     the summary bad things happen, Warnings: Forced kissing, molestation,
     mental health issues, eating disorders, Rape/non-con, Gang rape,
     vomiting, fainting, verbal fighting, physical abuse, forced oral,
     forced anal, suicidal thoughts
“I wasn’t feeling well,” I said before Pat could get a word out, “I’m sorry
sir. It won’t happen again.”
“How do I know it won’t happen again? You did it in the first place I’m
assuming,” McClairen said.
“I won’t. I promise,” I answered.
“Can you tell me why you weren’t feeling well?” He asked me.
“Maybe because Dick Swartzman thinks he had the right to push him up against a
wall and cop a feel?” Pat said, “Like all of you seem to believe you have the
right to do.”
“Patrick,” Father McClairen said, “Don’t talk like that here.”
“Why? Because people might hear me?” Pat said, “You’re not going to do anything
to him, are you?”
“No. I’m not. It’s not my place but I can promise you the people that need to
know will be informed. In fact, I want you to call and tell them. You’re Leo’s
right now, correct?” McClairen asked me.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. He wasn’t serious. How did he know that and
was he really going to make me call him? Because my Da would agree that it was
Leo’s place to pick a punishment and not his. Leo would make sure whatever it
was wasn’t something I wanted. Not that I wanted anything to do with Leo
anyway.
“Come on, make the call. I want you the hand me the phone before you hang up,”
he said looking at me.
I went over to the phone my hand shaking as I dialed the number. I put the
receiver to my ear and tried to remember to breathe. My heart slamming into my
chest wall like a sludge hammer trying to break it down.
“Hello?” I heard Leo’s voice.
I sighed silently not sure what to say. Not sure if I wanted to say anything at
all. This was going to be bad. If it was really bad I wouldn’t even get to go
home. If I got lucky it wouldn’t be until later tonight around Dinner time or
after.
“Hello? Who is this?” Leo said.
“Leo…,” I said quietly.
“Hi baby. What’s going on?” He asked me.
“I skipped. Just the first half of class but, Father McClairen said I should
tell you,” I said quietly.
“I figured that might have happened. I got a call from Rich earlier saying he
got hit in the face by your friend. The Asian kid, because he was going to have
some fun with you and your friends apparently weren’t ok with that,” Leo said,
“So I was going to come pick you up after school anyway.”
“Oh,” I said quietly.
“I already talked to your Dad. He’s fine with it as long as you sleep in your
own bed. I think you should spend some time with Rich anyway. Get to know him a
little better. Maybe it would help you relax around him.” Leo said, “So I’m
going to pick you both up after school and you’re going to spend some time
getting to know each other. You’re going to be accommodating and he’s going to
try and be respectful. I will set the boundaries in the car all right? Don’t
worry about it. You’ll be fine. Do I need to talk to Gus before you hang up?”
“Y-yes,” I answered closing my eyes trying to keep my lips from trembling
trying to keep myself from crying.
“Ok baby I love you. Give the phone to Gus, I’ll see you in what an hour and a
half?” Leo said, “Hand it over.”
“Father,” I said holding the phone out to him which he took.
“Are you ok?” Pat asked to which I shook my head.
So that was my punishment for skipping. I had to let Dick do whatever he wanted
with me. I was 13. This wasn’t fair. This was my body that I had to live in and
yet everyone got in a say in what they did with it, what happened to it but me.
“All right boys, get to class. I’ll see you later tonight all right Mr.
Kingly?” Father McClairen said to which Pat nodded his head.
We headed off to our next class. Father Dunbee. The only thing that I could
think of was to ask for detention which would probably get me into even more
trouble.
We managed to make it into the classroom just as the bell rang. Everyone sat
down, a new book on each desk. I sighed picking up the book looking at the
cover. The outsiders. It was a book I had heard of before but didn’t interest
me. I wondered why we would be reading it.
“Gentlemen,” Father Dunbee started, “I want you to just clear your head to
start with. Before we start reading this book after the break. I want you to
write something. Now let’s open the book and we’ll read the first page…”
We all opened the book and Father Dunbee began in his monotone voice “WHEN I
STEPPED OUT into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I
had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home. I was wishing I
looked like Paul Newman--- he looks tough and I don't--- but I guess my own
looks aren't so bad. I have light-brown, almost-red hair and greenish-gray
eyes. I wish they were more gray, because I hate most guys that have green
eyes, but I have to be content with what I have. My hair is longer than a lot
of boys wear theirs, squared off in back and long at the front and sides, but I
am a greaser and most of my neighborhood rarely bothers to get a haircut.
 Besides, I look better with long hair. I had a long walk home and no company,
but I usually lone it anyway, for no reason except that I like to watch movies
undisturbed so I can get into them and live them, with the actors. When I see a
movie with someone it's kind of uncomfortable, like having someone read your
book over your shoulder. I'm different that way.
 I mean, my second-oldest brother, Soda, who is sixteen-going-on-seventeen,
never cracks a book at all, and my oldest brother, Darrel, who we call Darry,
works too long and hard to be interested in a story or drawing a picture, so
I'm not like them. And nobody in our gang digs movies and books the way I do.
For a while there, I thought I was the only person in the world that did.
 So, I loned it. Soda tries to understand, at least, which is more than Darry
does. But then, Soda is different from anybody; he understands everything,
almost. Like he's never hollering at me all the time the way Darry is, or
treating me as if I was six instead of fourteen. I love Soda more than I've
ever loved anyone, even Mom and Dad. He's always happy-go-lucky and grinning,
while Darry's hard and firm and rarely grins at all. But then, Darry's gone
through a lot in his twenty years, grown up too fast. Sodapop'll never grow up
at all. I don't know which way's the best. I'll find out one of these days…”
Can anyone tell me what this boy is talking about?” Father Dunbee asked the
class.
Someone raised their hand and he nodded his head, “His brothers?” The kid
questioned.
“Yes, his older brothers. What do you think he means Darry has grown up too
fast? Mr. McGregor?”
I sighed before answered, “Darry takes care of him and Sodapop. He’s more than
just their brother. He’s their parents. He’s the person they have to answer to
when something bad happens because their parents either aren’t in the picture
or don’t care.”
“What makes you think that?” He asked me.
“Well, it says Darry has gone through a lot in his twenty years, grown up too
fast. What makes you grow up faster than being responsible for someone else’s
well-being? Making sure you keep yourself in line to set a good example, making
sure they keep it together for the next one down? It’s a system. Families are a
system. Everyone has their place. And if you’re place is pushed up you don’t
lose your old role you just adapt the new one too.” I answered.
“Very interesting take. Anyone else feel the same?” He asked the class, “Yes
Mr. Smith?”
“I feel like there is some truth to that but I think your role does change when
that happens. Like when my Dad left home. I was there to take care of my little
sister. I have to make sure she eats dinner at night and gets to bed on time
because our mom works. So, while I’m still her big brother there are things
that I’m in charge of. Like making sure things get done around the house that I
wouldn’t otherwise be taking care of,” The guy answered.
“Well, I was gone for a while,” I said looking to Father Dunbee to make sure I
could reply, “My mum and Da split up and we moved to Montana with our mum. She
worked two jobs so it was up to me and my other brother, Will to take care of
everyone. We changed diapers, fed everyone, got everyone to bed every night.
When someone did something bad if mum wasn’t there I was the one who put the
person in time out or disciplined them. It’s complicated. The older kids, for
those of you who don’t know I have 11 brothers and sisters. I was still big
brother first but to the little ones I was Da. When they started speaking they
called me Dada. They still do sometimes. So, it’s kind of… I was still their
big brother but, I was also their Da at the same time.”
“Does anyone else feel like they have that responsibility? Being the one to
take care of everyone else in the family?” Father Dunbee asked and many people
raised their hands.
“Why do you think that is?” Father Dunbee asked and Brodric raised his hand
being in the class we were in this year.
“I think it’s because that’s what families do. What older siblings do. They
take care of their younger siblings. Families formed as a means of survival
because you can’t survive on your own. Families used to have multiple children
because most children didn’t live to be five. Having a family meant the
difference between living and dying and sometimes today it still does,” he
answered.
Brodric hadn’t been in any of my pervious classes even though he was our age.
Where I had though Delia and Celia were twins they were actually a set of
triplets Brodric being the third that made up their triple. I didn’t know much
about him other than he was quiet and didn’t talk to many people. Not that I
blamed him. He probably socialized mostly with his sisters which I could
understand having three different sets of twins in my family.
“We are indeed social creatures yes,” Father Dunbee agreed, “Some people say
that friends are an extension of family. Does anyone believe that can be true?”
“I believe so,” Pat said, “That you can love someone as much as you love your
family. That friends can become family because not everyone has a good family.
Some people have parents that don’t care or use drugs or whatever. Some people
have Dad’s and mom’s that beat them so where do the they turn when they can’t
deal? Their friends. The people who care about them unconditionally.”
“I agree,” Jesus said, “Like I have a lot of friend’s, right? But some of them
if I have a problem I go to them before I go to my parents. Because like, they
understand in a way my parents can’t. My hombres are really just like tight you
know?”
“Good discussion,” Father Dunbee said, “I like how we’ve managed to tie this
into life. God has put everyone in your life there for a reason. To teach you
something, so you can learn from them. So, you can learn things to bring you
closer to our lord. It maybe not always be a lesson you want or think you need
but, he always does things for a reason even if we can’t see them. Now I want
you to think about the way the book starts during vacation. Think about what he
is saying here, think about what is he possibly telling us about himself. That
he doesn’t look like Paul Newman.
 Think about what he’s telling us about his life. How most people in his
neighborhood don’t cut their hair. That he’s a greaser. Think about those
things and we’ll get back to them in the new year. For this week, I want you to
work on a paper. Tell me something about yourself, about your life that maybe
no one else knows about. That you’re not sure you want anyone to know. Tell me
about the people you love. The way they make you feel. How they smell, talk
about, if it’s a girlfriend how they kiss, how her skin feels under your
fingers when you hold her hand, Surprise me.”
With that he finished speaking and the bell rang. I sighed knowing this wasn’t
going to be good. Thinking of how he kissed when he glanced at me giving me a
secret smile. How would I write about him? I remember thinking that. Especially
when it was considered a sin to kiss him. To even think about kissing him. And
then I thought about how I had to kiss Dick once I got back to Leo’s. My face
falling, my throat feeling full of a stone I was having a hard time swallowing.
“You ok?” Pat asked me looking at my face noticing how my brow was furrowed,
how I was thinking too hard.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. It’s nothing,” I answered.
“It’s not nothing,” he said grabbing his book bag from the floor as I did the
same Father Dunbee clearing his throat to get our attention.
“Yes father?” Pat asked turning his attention to him.
“I was wondering how you two are doing? With your situations,” Father Dunbee
answered.
“Can you tell me anything about Father McClairen?” Pat asked quietly,
hopefully.
“Father Watson has put his foot down when it comes to transferring teachers
right now. So, for now you will have to continue dealing with him. Is he
aggressive?”
“Huh,” Pat’s face flushed red, “I’m not sure what you mean exactly.”
“In his pursuits,” Father Dunbee clarified.
“Oh,” Pat said frowning for a second, “In class he’s a lot less blunt lately.
Towards me. Towards John he’s been kind of suggestive. John has a lot going on
right now though.”
“Speaking of I have a ride I have to meet,” I said to which Pat grabbed my arm
lightly stopping me from leaving.
“What are you talking about?” He asked the worry written all over his face.
“I screwed up and now I have to go deal with it, ok?” I said trying to shrug
him off.
“No, not ok. What are they doing?” Pat asked me, “John, please tell me what’s
he doing?”
“What’s who doing?” Father Dunbee asked.
“Nothing. Pat, it doesn’t matter right now ok?” I answered.
“Ra-John please,” Pat pleaded, “Please? I’m supposed to be going home with you.
Tell me.”
“Don’t make me think about ok?” I begged him, “Just don’t. I have to so I just
don’t want to think about it.”
“What’s going on boys?” Father Dunbee implored again.
“I…,” I didn’t know what to say. I felt sick to my stomach knowing he was out
there waiting for me. With Dick. That Dick was going to finish what he had
tried to start. That it was my punishment for skipping class. Dick was going to
push me down and climb on top of me, force my legs apart and I had to let him.
He was going to want to kiss me too and I had to let him do that. Whatever it
was he wanted. I couldn’t but I had to.
“Hey, it’s ok,” Pat said hugging me as I allowed him to wrap his arms around
me, “It’s ok.”
“It’s not though,” I said trying to hold back my tears, “I did something stupid
and now it’s not ok.”
“Boys please,” Father Dunbee said again.
“Just pray for me father?” I asked him quietly.
“I can do that,” he said bowing his head, “Lord our father. Your Child John is
in need of your guidance and protection in this moment. He is struggling with
things in his life. Please father take him in your arms and give him the
strength he needs to stand strong against adversity. Protect him the best way
that you can in order to get him through this afternoon and all others that he
might find difficult. Allow him to take comfort and bathe in your grace. In our
father’s name I pray, Amen.”
“Amen,” Pat mumbled.
“Amen,” I said quietly, “Thank you.”
“Never a problem. You are always in my prayers,” Father Dunbee said.
I sighed as Pat let go of me and grabbed my hand as we walked from the room. I
didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to feel Dick’s hands over my skin feel
like he was taking something away from me, something I didn’t want to give. I
had never really valued my body in that way before but with someone my age it
felt different. It felt like it should be something I wanted, someone I wanted
and this was anything but that.
“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Pat asked me once we were away from the
classroom and he noticed the hallway was empty still asking me in a hushed tone
to make it hard for anyone who might stumble upon us to overhear.
“Leo is mad I skipped,” I answered.
“Yeah, I know,” Pat said, “but what does that have to do with anything? I know
Gus made you call him but you never told me what Leo said.”
“He talked to my Da. I’m going back over there today. Until after dinner some
time. I’m supposed to…I have to…with Dick. I don’t want to. You don’t know what
he’s like. What they are like and I don’t want to but I don’t have a choice.
So, I don’t want to think about it. I’d rather think about you. Being in my
room with you. Not even necessarily that but, just being in the same space as
you. So please don’t make me think about it anymore,” I answered desperately.
“Ok,” Pat said, “Call me when you get home or if you need me. I don’t care what
time it is you call all right? Don’t forget please. I’m begging you. I need you
to call so I know you’re alive because I don’t trust this. I don’t care if you
think it’s just with Dick or what I need you to call.”
He looked panicked which was something that he didn’t show often to me. It
wasn’t helping me stay calm. I closed my eyes taking a deep breath as Pat let
go of my hand and we stepped through the front door Pat going towards the bus
depo and glancing back at me before he got onto the bus while I walked the
other way towards the car line looking for him. Someone touching my shoulder
and making me jump 10 feet in the air.
“Sorry geeze,” Dick muttered from behind me.
“Don’t touch me,” I hissed spinning around to look at him.
He chuckled lightly, “Are you going to be saying that later?”
“Don’t,” I shook my head, “Please just don’t.”
“Don’t what? Tell you what I’m going to do to you? What I’ve been waiting to do
to you?” He teased, “Because I’m going to tell you everything I’m going to do
to you.”
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head taking a couple steps back as the black SUV
pulled up behind Dick.
He rolled down the window and honked his horn, “Come on guys,” he said looking
at us both to which I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply.
 My whole being felt exhausted. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but I
didn’t want to know either. I swallowed and opened up the back door to find the
back seat down. So, they weren’t even going to wait to get me to Leo’s before
they started? I felt like I was going to be sick. I wanted to run, to bolt and
never stop running but I knew I couldn’t. That they would catch me.
“Come on, get in,” Leo said as I grabbed the bar to pull myself up feeling
minuscule compared to that giant vehicle and compared to both Leo and Dick who
pushed me forward and climbed in behind me pulling the door shut.
“Wh-why aren’t you sitting up front?” I asked feeling like my eyes were about
to pop out of their sockets.
He smiled that devil’s smile at me his hand cupping my face as I tried to scoot
away, “Relax, I won’t hurt you.”
“No,” I shook my head as he allowed me to push myself against the opposite door
trying to get away from him.
“I just want a kiss,” he said.
“Ok good time to lay down the ground rules?” Leo asked peering into the review
mirror to look at us, “Condoms is one. Two I get to watch some of it. Three if
I tell you someone has a request you fulfill it. I don’t care if it’s switching
positions and John giving it up the ass to you Rich you do it if you want to
play. that’s how it goes.”
“Yeah Dad I got it,” Dick answered.
“If I want to join you I get to. I don’t want to hear any protest from you
Rich. It’s not like it wouldn’t be the first time and sometimes it’s nice to
hear the sounds he makes so I’m sure him getting a tongue at both ends would
make me blow my load right away,” Leo said laughing slightly making me shrink
away even more. Trying to make myself small, “We’ll have some fun. No eating
until after we’re done all right?”
“Yeah, yeah Dad, can I?” Dick asked licking his lips.
“Yeah go for it. I wouldn’t mind a little show,” Leo said as we pulled out of
the school parking lot.
“No, please Rich, please,” I said as he pulled on my knee that I was hugging to
my chest trying to crawl on top of me. My whole body was shaking. I didn’t want
him to do this I would rather do it with Leo then with Rich.
I tried to push him away while still keeping my knees close to my body trying
to protect myself from his wandering hands. I didn’t want this. I was going to
fight as hard as I could to get him to stop him finally yanking hard enough on
one of my ankles to pull one of my legs down and successfully climbing into my
lap his hands on either side of my face as I struggled grabbing at his blazer
trying to scratch or push on his arms, push him away.
“Shhh…you’re going to be fine. Just relax baby,” he said as I shook my head.
“Stop it, stop it,” I begged, “No, stop it. Please I don’t want to. Please just
stop it Rich. Stop it please. Please don’t.”
He leaned in forcing my head to the side biting into my neck as I whimpered. As
I begged him to stop touching me. To let me go. I didn’t want this. I didn’t
want his hands on my skin as he started messing with my tie, loosening it
around my throat so he could start undoing the buttons of my dress shirt.
“Stop it,” I kept begging. As he somehow managed to get me out of my blazer and
sweater vest discarding them and throwing them somewhere farther away as his
teeth scrapped against the skin on my neck. As I continued to claw at his
blazer kicking my feet trying to push him off as his body got heavier against
mine.
“You feel so good,” he muttered into my skin reaching the button in the middle
of my chest before I started crying silently. The tears I had been holding back
finally starting to fall, me no longer able to control it.
He was raping me. He was raping me and there was nothing I could do or say to
get him to stop. My face red with the effort of fighting him. My arms feeling
tired, my lungs burning with the effort to keep breathing as he undid another
button grabbing my wrists hard and then putting them in one hand grinding the
bones together making them feel like they were crunching against each other.
Like a boat scrapping the sea bed near a rocky shore making it painful, making
sure it hurt.
“Just relax,” he said licking along my collar bone, “I’ll make it feel good. Go
nice and slow yeah?”
I jerked my knee up making contact with his inner thigh making him glare at me
in pain but not stop, not get off of me. I hated this. This shouldn’t be
happening. I should be strong enough, smart enough to get out of this, to get
away from him. It didn’t make any sense to me why I couldn’t fight back hard
enough. He was only 17 but he had to weigh at least 80 pounds more than I did
even though it might as well have been 1000. I felt like there was something
wrong with me. Something wrong with me for not being able to fight back hard
enough.
“There we go. Now it’s getting fun,” Dick said my button up fully open exposing
my wife beater which he pulled up from where it was tucked into my pants. His
hand trailing up my bare stomach searching for my flesh, his fingers tracing
along my skin before he pressed his forehead into the center of my abdomen. His
hair tickling my neck and chin as he started pressing kisses against my sternum
all teeth and tongue.
“Please stop,” I begged again after being silent for a few minutes. My brain
panicking for air at the feeling of his tongue and lips close to my right
nipple. My body feeling like it was drowning in the fabric of the uniform my
arms were still entangled in.
“God you’re so fucking cute when you beg,” Dick said.
“Leo make him stop. Please make him stop,” I whimpered.
“You’re ok baby. Don’t worry. I won’t be mad. I mean I wish I could back there
instead of driving right now but we’re almost home,” Leo replied as I yelped
Dick’s teeth grazing my areola as his tongue licked at my nipple.
“No, no,” I begged. Nearly screaming as Leo pulled into the garage pushing the
garage door remote closing it behind us.
Dick pulled away from me. My skin feeling red and raw in different spots on my
neck and chest. I sat up trying to untangle my arms from my mess of shirts that
were keeping my arms held at a weird angle above my head. Before I had the
chance to do that the door had opened and Leo pulled me out of the car under my
arm pits. He picked me up bridal style carrying me up the stairs as Dick opened
the door for us.
“Going to be our little cum slut tonight baby?” He whispered into my ear as he
sat me down.
He pulled my shirts off my arms freeing me allowing me to wrap my arms around
myself finally. Giving myself the little comfort I could pretending it was
Pat’s arms and he was whispering to me. That he was telling me I was ok. That
everything would be ok.
 I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Hearing Leo say that. Call me
that. Knowing the only place, he would have gotten that from. That my Da told
him. The whole thing making me feel even worse. Making me that much more upset.
“You look like you’re about to cry,” Leo said looking at me as Dick threw his
backpack onto the couch and went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.
“I don’t feel very well,” I answered numbly. I was trying really hard to check
out. To allow my brain to separate from my body so I didn’t have to feel what
was going to happen. So, I didn’t have to think about what was going to happen.
“You’ll be fine,” Leo told me, “I want your pants and undershirt now.” he said
giving me that look.
“Not yet please,” I said looking away from him.
“No, I said now. You’re lucky I’m not taking away your underwear too. I figured
I’d leave something for the stream. Some mystery.”
“Stream?” I asked frowning before the realization of what that meant hit me.
 He was going to put this on the internet. He wasn’t just going to make me have
sex with Dick but, he was going to tape it and show it to people. I didn’t want
that.
 I felt a sour taste in my mouth and ran to the kitchen sink throwing up into
it before I bent over and barfed on the floor the whole thing too much. Being
raped at least twice a day for four days straight had just become too much for
me to handle. My whole system just collapsing as lights flickered before my
eyes and I toppled to the floor like a ton of bricks before I blacked out
falling into darkness.
“John, John wake up. It’s Vic, come on man. Open your eyes…” I opened my eyes
and Vic sighed in relief, “There you are. How are you feeling?”
“What the…?” I trailed off trying to sit up as Vic pushed me back down so I was
flat on my back again.
“Just chill for a second ok. I don’t know what happened but Leo said you
vomited in the kitchen then passed out. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”
Vic asked me.
“Tired,” I answered, “really tired.”
“Ok, can you tell me what you felt before you fainted?” He asked me.
“Chest hurt, like I don’t know, something heavy was on me. Heart felt funny,
weird like it was beating too fast and then the room started spinning,” I
answered.
“It sounds like a panic attack. Leo, was he hyperventilating?” Vic asked.
“He was breathing maybe a little heavy but it didn’t seem excessive,” Leo
answered from where ever he was in the room.
“Were you feeling anxious before you fainted John?” Vic asked pulling out his
stethoscope and putting against my wife beater listening to my heart while I
continued lying flat on my back.
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.
Was I feeling anxious? That would have been an understatement if I had ever
heard one. I was beyond terrified. Especially after being pawed at in the car
like I was some piece of meat or a fucking blow up doll. Just thinking about it
made me dizzy. Leo had asked for my clothes. The last piece of protection that
I felt like I had. He was going to make me do things in front of a camera that
other people were watching. It had been too much. The whole thing had been too
much.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Vic asked me.
“I-I don’t know,” I answered not wanting to talk about how scared I had been of
everything in front of Leo, how scared I still was.
“Hey Leo, can you leave for a second? I think John and I need to talk alone,”
Vic said turning to look at Leo.
“I would prefer to stay actually. I know he’s feeling a little nervous about
preforming but, he’ll be fine. It’s not his first time,” Leo answered him.
“A little nervous? The boy blew chunks into your garbage disposal and then on
your marble flooring before he fainted. I’d say that’s bordering on conversion
problems and he’s shown that before. He needs a break,” Vic said.
“He’s fine. Aren’t you baby?” Leo said coming up towards us causing me to
tense.
“Leo you’re a doctor. You know what having a conversion disorder can do to
someone. You should have already diagnosed him at this point,” Vic said.
“You haven’t done the test you need to in order to rule out a physical cause.
Otherwise I would have,” Leo spat back, “I don’t like the fact you are
inferring that I’m not taking care of his health. Especially when I consider
him my most important patient.”
“Obviously something is causing him stress. Was this weekend particularly
stressful for him?” Vic asked.
“Vic it’s your job to treat their physical ailments. It’s mine to treat the
psychological. If you think this is psychological I need you to rule out any
organic causes so I can do my job. Otherwise don’t just assume this is because
of stress,” Leo said again.
“He has NES and there isn’t any other evident cause present in his life. I will
run a CAT ok? But, I’m telling you it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell
it’s because he’s getting his brain literally fucked out and he can’t deal with
it anymore. He can’t deal with the stress it’s putting on him. These aren’t
fucking robots these are kids. You may see him as a partner of some sort.
Someone that you can control but he’s still just a boy. I mean look at him.
He’s a kid. He’s fucking scared. He’s so scared of you he can’t even look you
in the face Leo. You need to lay off,” Vic said.
“Don’t you dare tell me he’s afraid of me. I love him. He’s my boyfriend and I
treat him well. Unlike those fucking perverts his Dad was going to pawn him off
on. You know the people Connor was talking contracts with?” Leo hissed back.
“Leo that’s not something we should…” Leo cut Vic off.
“Why shouldn’t he know? Why shouldn’t he know Connor was talking to Yukoshima
and Barren? You know what those guys are like.
 
 Yukoshima only does 2 week contracts for a reason. He would break him. He
burns through boys like some people go through a tank of gas. And don’t forget
Barren. He loves seeing them bleed. He gets off on it. He already tried handing
him over to Barren once. I saved him, ok?
 I saved him! He’s not afraid of me! He loves me and the fact that I care about
him enough that I don’t hurt him. That I let him tell me what he wants even if
he’s not really sure it’s true because he doesn’t really know for sure. Isn’t
that right John?” Leo said.
“He was going to give me to Barren?” I asked.
“Yeah baby, I saved you. I would never hurt you like that. Not ever,” Leo said
coming close to me, pushing Vic aside.
Da was going to give me to him? Barren, who had strung me up and said he wanted
to “train me”? Who had told me that it was going to hurt but that we would have
fun? Barren who seemed like he wanted to seriously hurt me? Who was going to
cause me a serious amount of pain. And who the hell was Yukoshima? Why did he
burn through boys like some people used a tank of gas? What was he into that
was so horrible and did I really want to know?
“Leo what happened over the weekend?” Vic asked, “I’m not judging you or
telling you, you can’t do something. Especially if he’s receptive to it but I
need to know for health reasons.”
“Well it was thanksgiving. So, we did a swap party. Ben, Lionel, Connor, Hank,
Arthur and I, all right? We had fun. What happened to John specifically? Hank
was his pairing to begin with and then he had a bottom threesome with his
friend and his brothers. After that we had a little bit of group fun with some
depo thrown in for fun all right? After that I brought him home. I wanted to
sound and gave him a choice sound or Hank. He chose Hank so I sounded him after
Hank left while doing double stimulation tied to my bed. When he was done with
that I showed him how much I love him. We had a nice long weekend in bed ok?
Does that make you happy? Why is he here now? Well I got so carried away, Rich
didn’t get his turn and someone decided to skip the first half of third hour
so…you know. I was going to give him a reason not to skip. That’s all that
happened,” Leo answered, “Why?”
“Why did you do depo? Depo would send his system into over drive. He might have
gone into shock,” Vic asked frowning.
“He didn’t. He was fine. Maybe a little jumpy but fine. He’s been fine,” Leo
answered.
“HE FUCKING PASSED OUT! THAT IS NOT FINE!” Vic shouted, “He’s had too much! You
need to give him some space to breathe. I don’t care what rule he broke. You
need to give him space for a while. Do you think maybe he was skipping because
Gus has the tendency to get a little too close for comfort sometimes? So, does
Todd and you know it. You remember what Gus is like. You fucking had him.”
“Yeah, I did but he wasn’t nearly that bad. From what I remember,” he answered.
“He never stared you down with that look though? And made comments picking on
you to answer questions and bending over your back while you wrote a paper or
took a quiz? How he squeezed you between his body and your desk his hands going
where you didn’t think they should, especially when you were trying to take a
midterm. Don’t be stupid. You can’t tell me you don’t remember him doing that
to someone in your class if it wasn’t you,” Vic said.
“Someone sounds a little bit like a bottom Vic. Anything you want to tell me?”
Leo asked.
“No, I’m just saying,” Vic answered, “You have to remember that. I mean I know
it was to teach us but you have to remember how uncomfortable that was.”
“What if I do? So, what? They rewarded us for it. Just like we’re going to
reward them so what’s the big deal?” Leo said.
“Did someone make you have sex three times a day every day?” Vic asked
frowning, “Because that’s excessive.”
“Not all the time no,” Leo answered, “But things were different back then and
he can take it and he’s beautiful. I mean look at him. His body was built for
this. You know how hard he cums? It’s fucking amazing and it taste…it’s the
best thing I have ever tasted. You can’t ask me to walk away from that. That’s
like walking away from a million dollars laying in front of you for the taking
wrapped in a prefect little bow just screaming “here I am.”
I felt my face turn red. They were still talking about me like I wasn’t there.
They hadn’t answered my question about Barren, and now they were talking about
my ejaculate. Is that really what they thought of me? As something that
couldn’t understand what they were saying?
“Have you ever asked him what he wants?” Vic asked.
“Of course, I have. And I listen to him. I always give him a choice,” Leo
answered.
“Are either of those choices you giving him space?” Vic asked Leo.
“He’s 13. He doesn’t know what he wants. That’s why space is not a choice I
give him,” Leo said back.
“Please stop,” I said shaking my head.
“What John?” Vic asked me. Turning his attention to me.
“Just stop talking about me like I’m not here. Like I’m some fucking toy. I’m a
person ok? I’m a real person with real feelings and I can’t keep doing this. I
don’t want to have sex with Di-Rich. I don’t. I don’t want to have people watch
me. I don’t like it,” I said looking at my knees.
“Well baby you really should think about that type of stuff before you skip
school. And Rich likes you. He’d be nice to you,” Leo said.
“No,” I managed before swallowing, somehow finding the courage to tell him what
I thought. Probably only because Vic was there, “No. He’s not nice to me. He
tried to make me do stuff in the bathroom at school. That’s not nice Leo. What
he did to me in the car isn’t nice. It scared me.”
“Baby it’s ok to be nervous about it. It’s not a big deal. He was just going to
teach you how to use your body to…” I cut Leo off.
“I already know how to do that,” I said, “I don’t need Rich to teach me any of
that. I already know how to do it.”
“You know how to top? You’ve only done it once,” Leo said smirking, “You don’t
know how to top. That and every person’s body feels a little different, don’t
they? My kisses feel different from Rich’s kisses and your Dad’s kisses,
right?”
I stayed silent. He was right in a way they felt a little different. In slight
ways but the end result was always the same and I didn’t enjoy them. Their
kisses always meant sex. It meant they were going to push me down and make me
lay there while they sucked me off or climb on top of me and forced their way
inside my body whispering things to me I didn’t want to hear. Things about how
good I felt, how perfect I was as I laid there trying not to cry. Trying to
keep it together long enough for me to get into the shower. So, I could cry and
cut and hate myself and sometimes throw up which I hadn’t admitted to anyone.
Not even Pat and if Vic caught wind of that I didn’t even want to know what he
would do.
I was kind of hoping no one would really notice that. Vic hadn’t been weighing
me like he said he would and I was thankful he kept forgetting. I wasn’t about
to remind him. It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t eat. I didn’t deserve food.
Someone who was a waste of space didn’t need more food so their body could take
up more space. It just didn’t make any sense to take those calories away from
the world. To take them away from someone who needed them, who could use them
for something real instead of just fucking them away.
“Yeah see? You didn’t say anything because I’m right,” Leo said sitting on the
bed next to me rubbing up and down my leg through the blankets making me jerk
away, “You don’t pull away.” Leo hissed at me. That fire flashing in his eyes.
I knew I was in trouble. I could tell from that look that I was in worse
trouble then I had been before. That whatever this was he was going to make it
count.
“Vic can you help me with something?” Leo asked.
“What?” Vic asked as Leo stood up undoing his belt.
“Oh No. He’s really not my…” Leo cut Vic off.
“You do or I tell them you’re a sympathizer. Because you certainly sound like
one. You know what happens to sympathizers Vic. It wouldn’t be a good label for
you to have,” Leo said.
“No,” I said shaking my head, “No please Leo, please.”
“Rich come in here. We’re ready for you,” Leo said as Rich came in wearing a
robe, “We’re having a change of plans no camera. We’re going to have some group
fun.”
Vic shook his head starting to unbutton his shirt laying it across the back of
a chair gently so that it didn’t wrinkle as Leo let his pants fall to the
ground. Dick came and laid down on the bed beside me touching my cheek gently.
Leaning in as if he were getting ready to kiss me.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Just relax, it’s ok,” he said making my anxiety level sky rocket as I shook my
head trying to pull back.
“No,” I replied as forcefully as I could manage which ended up just being a
squeak.
He leaned over me. Forcing his lips against mine, trying to find a way to force
his tongue into my mouth. I pushed at his chest trying to get him off of me.
His arms having a fight with mine trying to grab them to restrain them as I
pressed my lips together tightly in a thin line trying to keep his tongue out
of my mouth.
“Hey, calm down,” Leo said coming up on my other side, “Your ok baby. Just let
it happen. Be nice to Rich. He loves you. He just wants to make you feel good.”
He grabbed my arms and moved so he was sitting above my head on the pillows
holding my arms above my head using my wife beater to help him restrain them.
Effectively uncovering my torso making me feel even more exposed. Dick’s hands
running up and down my naked rib cage making me start hyperventilating, trying
to keep my mouth closed. I wanted to scream. To yell no at the top of my lungs
but knew that if I did they wouldn’t hesitate to shove a tongue in my mouth to
silence me. I refused to let that happen, to let Dick kiss me.
“Hey, hey relax baby. You’re ok,” Leo said as Dick stuck his hand in my boxers.
“NO!” I said loudly kicking out trying to stop them from pulling my boxers off,
“NO DON’T!”
The moment the word don’t made it out of my mouth Dick managed to shove his
tongue into my mouth rolling my boxers past my hips, giving me a long deep kiss
that I moaned in protest against. I couldn’t do this right now. I knew I was
going to start crying, shutting my eyes tight. Trying to keep the tears from
showing.
“Vic are you going to get over here and join us or are you just going to stand
there and watch naked?” Leo asked.
“No, huh I’m going to join you I’m just… trying to get into the mood because I
wasn’t planning on…,” Vic mumbled.
“Well come on. You want to start at the bottom and work your way up? You can
you know. He makes the cutest faces when someone is blowing him. You should do
it. It’s always nice to watch.”
I moaned bucking up against Dick as he still had his tongue in my mouth. I
kicked out, my eyes still closed because I didn’t want Vic touching me like
that ever again. He promised he wouldn’t. He promised he would never do that
again, not ever. No matter what. Dick broke our kiss to catch his breath
licking my collar bone.
“Don’t please don’t! Please Leo! I can’t do this right now. Please don’t make
me,” I whimpered.
“It’s ok. You’ll like it I promise,” Leo cooed to me still holding my arms as I
struggled when I felt the chaste kiss on my inner thigh my eyes popping open.
“NO,” I screamed loudly as I felt Vic take my penis in his hands manipulating
it, rubbing it.
He was going to do it because of them. He was going to rape me. He was going to
climb on top of me and push his way into my body and I was going to have to
watch it happen. And Dick and Leo were going to watch it happen and everyone
would know. Everyone would know that I had sex with another person. That
another person had touched me. That my body had responded to it and I couldn’t
do it. I couldn’t let that happen.
I grew hard in his hands. That caress slow and gentle unlike everyone else who
did it fast. He moved slow. His hand moving up and down my shaft pulling me
into an erection painfully, slowly, gently. His lips sliding around my head as
his hands moved to my inner thighs rubbing them gently making me gasps in
surprise involuntarily.
“That’s a new look,” Leo said amused, “I guess Vic has the magic touch huh?
I made that noise somewhere between a hum and moan as Dick started rolling his
tongue around one of my nipples. I didn’t want this to feel good. I didn’t want
this to happen. But it was happening and it didn’t matter how hard I fought. It
was going to happen. Someone was going to touch me. Someone was going to shove
their dick inside of me and give me that horrible feeling hitting against that
spot too strongly for me to stop it from giving them what they wanted. It
killed me. It made me want to die, knowing that I couldn’t stop it, couldn’t
control it.
“Just let it happen baby. You’re ok I promise,” Leo cooed at me. Me not even
realizing I was crying.
He lifted me up sucking at my tender skin of my balls making me gasps loudly.
This wasn’t something I wanted. I kept repeating that in my head. I don’t want
this. I don’t want this as he kept going, kept sucking and licking his lips and
tongue all over my most private places making me flush. Making it hard for me
to breath, to think. After I was painfully hard he stopped sitting up whipping
his mouth with the back of his hand, whipping his spit away.
“Turn him over,” Vic said quietly not even sounding like Vic. His voice low and
deep, more so than normal. Heavy with lust and heat and all the bad things I
hated hearing in someone’s voice.
“All right,” Leo said, “Condoms are in the nightstand.”
Leo let go of my arms for just a minute while Dick used his body weight and his
hands to help flip me over his tongue running along the back of my spine as Vic
did whatever it was he was doing to get ready a cold finger circling against me
making me jump.
“Leo please, please don’t let them,” I begged again.
“It’s ok baby I’m right here you can do this. I won’t be mad. It’s actually
making me really horny,” he said grabbing my arms holding my wrists in one hand
as he ran his fingers through my hair.
I hated this. I hated myself for not being able to stop it. For my no’s having
no meaning. Maybe I wasn’t being forceful enough with my protest, making it
clear that I didn’t want them touching me. Having sex with me. Maybe it was
something I was doing. Teasing them, letting them think it was ok. Maybe it was
the way I looked at them sometimes wide-eyed and scared, maybe they mistook
that for want. For permission.
I felt Dick’s hand pull away someone else’s bigger hand replacing it, the
finger pushing in hitting my prostate on first contact a light brush that was
just enough to almost send my body over the edge.
“That’s it beautiful relax into it. It’ll feel so good,” Leo said to me him
being the only one who could see my face. See my expression as Dick rubbed my
shoulders slowly, pressing circles into my skin with his fingers tips.
I didn’t want this Vic’s other finger sliding inside to join the first one. His
nose and lips pressed against the small of my back kissing me. My whole-body
trembling with fear. This didn’t feel like everyone else. This felt different.
Scary. I still didn’t want it but it felt almost like Da. The way his kisses
felt feather light against my skin.
His fingers moved in and out until he felt something in my body change. Felt
something give and then he moved lining his hips up with my body his hands
going to my hips. His thumbs pressing upward into that dip between the front of
my hip bone and my leg socket but yet pushing in only gently as he started
sliding in, stealing my breath. That pressure that hurt but didn’t spreading
through my body.
“Oh shit,” I heard Vic mutter behind me as his pressed his body as far into
mine as it could go.
“Yeah, he feels like heaven, doesn’t he?” Leo said as Vic rolled his hips.
“No,” I managed barely as his penis brushed against that spot.
“Shhh…, just let it happen. It’ll feel good I promise,” Leo said as he let go
of my arms me wrapping them around his leg looking for something to ground me
against the feeling running up and down my spine.
“Oh god,” Vic said doing it again.
He kept going. He didn’t stop. He just kept going until he climaxed inside me.
His weight sitting on my back for a couple more minutes before he pulled out
rapidly standing up and almost jumping away like I was some infection he was
afraid of catching.
“Thanks for that that. I think I’m going to…well huh, clean up and then go.
Really it was, it was good thanks Leo,” Vic said.
“Anytime. At least I know you’re not a sympathizer. Have a good night,” Leo
said.
Vic made this noise behind him as he left the room. He probably took his
clothes with him because he didn’t come back. Not that I can recall anyway.
“Dad can you…?” Dick trailed off giving a sharp inhale.
“Yeah, come on baby roll over,” he said still running a hand through my hair.
“No please,” I barely whispered.
“We promised him remember? He’ll make you feel good, make you cum first. You
taste so sweet baby. Let him taste you. It’ll feel nice. Those little fireworks
under your skin,” Leo said as him and Dick rolled me over.
“Fuck, I never thought I’d…fuck,” Dick said staring at my nakedness his eyes
large with wonder. His hands running across my skin as I jerked trying to sit
up. Trying to get away Leo holding my arms again.
“It’s ok,” Dick whispered into my ear his lips against my ear lobe as his chin
started moving to the crook of my neck. His hardness pressed against my leg,
“You’re beautiful. I’d never thought I’d want a guy this much. Not ever.”
“Please don’t,” I begged his mouth moving to my throat kissing there
aggressively all teeth and lips, biting a straight line down my chest. His
hands roaming over my skin. Over every inch it could touch pinching, poking,
caressing. Me twitching when his tongue hit my belly button.
“You’re still so hard,” Dick murmured against my skin his hand around my shaft
as he started licking it up and down stealing my breath. Making it impossible
for me to think.
The moment I felt his lips part around my head I exploded not able to hold it
back anymore a moan breaking free of my lips as I came in his mouth. His arms
feeling wet and sweaty sticking against my skin as he wrapped them around my
waist trying to pull me as far into him as he could licking and lapping at
sucking until it hurt. Still going long after I had finished climaxing. My body
wanting to collapse out of exhaustion.
When he was done sucking me off he did the same thing Vic had done. Only hard
and fast our bodies rocking. Me having no strength to resist any of it. Pushing
my body and mind so far, I thought it was done bending and would just break.
Him kissing my neck as he climbed off me telling me how good I was. That we
should do it again. Making me feel like a whore or a fucking prostitute. He got
up and left the room leaving the door ajar Leo letting go of my arms coming
around leaning over top of me.
I was done. I was done fighting, trying to get them to stop. My body was sore,
I felt raw in different places. I just wanted to be done. I didn’t want him to
touch me but I knew it was useless to try and stop him. I closed my eyes and
waited for him to climb on top of me, to start raping me and instead I felt his
hands on my ribcage, his mouth against my navel.
“No, please stop,” I begged.
Not that. Anything but that. I wouldn’t do that again. I couldn’t. I was too
tired. That took too much effort that I didn’t have. I just wanted to be left
alone. I tried to push him away. To curl into a ball and instead he easily
caught my forearms in his hands squeezing his fist grinding against the bone. I
knew he was going to make me orgasm again because once wasn’t enough. Once was
never enough for Leo. I felt like I was choking on my own spit. The sobs that I
had been holding back finally started breaking from me.
He didn’t care. He blew me anyway, me only going silent as my orgasm started
building my sobs turning into small hiccups and then slowly into panting as I
tried to control my body and failed horribly. My brain starting to feel fuzzy
as my body let go again. Leo pulling away once he had swallowed.
“Yeah you’re my little cum slut aren’t you baby? You love to cum for me? Can
you come for me again?” He asked to which I closed my eyes hoping he would just
leave me alone.
I wanted to go home. I wanted it to stop. Everything to stop. I wanted a
shower. I wanted a million showers and I knew none of them would ever wash this
filth of my skin. That this was all I was. He was right. I was a cum slut. My
body always cumming for them no matter how hard I tried to not let it happen,
to force it not to happen. But not matter how much I hoped it wouldn’t happen
how much I tried to stop it, it always did.
“God, you smell so good. Like sex and winter and something green and fresh all
mixed together,” Leo said hugging me.
I just laid there stiff as a broad hoping he would let me go. I didn’t want to
be hugged. I wanted to go home. I needed to go home. To get him on the phone to
sob as he told me I was ok, that it was just one night and that I would be ok.
“Hey beautiful, come on,” Leo said touching my cheek, “There you are. Where did
you go? It seems like you checked out for a second there.”
“Nowhere,” I answered numbly uncomfortably aware of my nakedness of his skin
still against mine.
“No, you were somewhere else. I’ve seen plenty of my boy’s space out before.
Where did you go?” He asked me.
“I just want to go home Leo, please?” I asked getting up enough courage to look
at him. To look into his eyes.
 He seemed worried, scared for me but only in the moment. Next time he looked
at me it wouldn’t be like that. It would be the other way he looked at me and I
knew it. Like he was undressing me if I was wearing clothes or like he was
remembering what it was like to fuck me if I wasn’t. I didn’t want to have to
watch his eyes anymore knowing that it was fake. That his worry was false that
he didn’t really care about me. Not like he said he did.
“Ok, you want to shower first?” He asked his hand starting to slid back down to
which I grabbed his hand lacing his fingers in mine holding his hand to make
sure his hand didn’t go there.
“Yeah, may I?’ I asked.
“Baby I told you before you don’t have to ever ask. You’re allowed to shower
whenever you want here. As many times as you want. There’s nothing wrong with
wanting to feel clean ok? Not a thing. You don’t have to check. Just do it if
you want to ok? God, I love you. You’re so perfect, so polite and beautiful and
quiet. Everything about you is…it’s like you were made to be mine,” Leo said as
he allowed me to untangle our hands and get up and go to the shower.
I scrubbed my skin until it was red and raw. The water not really making me
feel any better drying off and going to the front door pulling my clothes back
on before they could stop me. forgetting my underwear and undershirt where they
were just wanting me skin to be covered. I felt a hand on my back that made me
jump and turned around to find Dick.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
“What?” I asked nearly out of breath him just being that close to me scaring me
as I felt his lips and hands on my skin making my close my eyes to try and push
it away, push it to the back of my brain where I didn’t have to pay attention
to it.
“I thought you had fun,” Dick said frowning in confusion.
I just shook my head. No there was nothing fun about that. Nothing fun about me
screaming no and telling him not to and him not listening. Him not realizing
how badly I had needed him to stop.
“But you came,” He said quietly still frowning, “Did I do something wrong?”
“You’re not my boyfriend Rich. Your Dad isn’t my boyfriend. I didn’t want you
to touch me. I asked you to stop. I begged you to stop and you didn’t care. You
just kept…” He cut me off.
“Don’t cry. There’s nothing to cry about, it’s over. When I was 13 I didn’t
know what I wanted. I mean yeah sure sometimes it was scary and I’m sure that
was scary for you but I know it felt good to you. It had to because I have
never…like I didn’t think I was …but maybe I am. And you came so hard. You
really did,” Dick said as I folded my arms over my chest wishing that I could
put more distance between us.
“Even if I am that doesn’t mean that it’s ok to …make me do that,” I answered,
“You know I don’t want to. You know. You’ve known since… I don’t know the first
time in the Villa or even before that when I told you no. I didn’t want to. And
yet you…why?” I asked my lip trembling.
“You don’t see it, do you?” Dick asked me, “You’re perfect. You’re so perfect
John. Everything about you, every inch of you. How could I say no to that? The
way your balls slope is even perfect. The way your skin taste. Everything. You
can’t blame people for wanting you.”
“Are you ready to go home baby?” Leo asked coming out of the bedroom fully
dressed to which I nodded my head. I knew my whole body was shaking. I knew I
was giving off these vibes like I was going to shatter into a million pieces if
someone touched me so I was thankful when Leo didn’t go to kiss me or wrap his
arms around me as he opened the door.
“Night Rich,” I said turning quickly and walking down the stairs.
Once we were in the car Leo asked me if something was wrong. What exactly did
he expect me to say? Of course, something was wrong. I’d just had sex with
three guys I didn’t want to have sex with. My whole body still crawling from
their hands on my skin. Not only that but Vic who had promised me he wouldn’t
touch me like that again had gone farther than he had even last time. How was I
ever supposed to sit in a room with him alone? I couldn’t have him be my doctor
anymore. I had barely let him start touching me again at all and now I couldn’t
stand the thought.
“Nothing, I’m fine,” I answered looking out the car window.
“You’re not fine. What’s going baby? Talk to me,” Leo said.
“I don’t want to talk. I’m fine Leo really, just take me home please,” I said.
“You know that wouldn’t have been so bad if you hadn’t skipped school,” Leo
told me, “Don’t skip again and it won’t happen like that ok?”
“Let’s be honest here. You didn’t do that because I skipped school. You did
that because you wanted to, because Rich wanted to. There’s no other reason for
it. Don’t lie to me. I’m not stupid Leo,” I said before I could stop myself.
Leo was silent for a moment as the car came to a stop at a red light, “Ok then.
Ok, I wanted to. You’re my contract. I have the right to it whenever I want.
Rich is my son if I give him permission he has the right to enjoy what you have
to offer as well. I wanted to so I did. Maybe I wouldn’t have done it the way I
did if you haven’t of skipped school though.”
“No, you would have just waited until this weekend,” I replied, “Leo I need a
break from you and from Da. I feel like I want to die. I can’t keep doing this.
I can’t keep going like this. I need to breathe and you make me feel like all
the air is being sucked out of a room when you enter it. I can’t do it anymore.
And if you don’t give me a break I’m going to make sure I don’t end up in the
hospital because no one will find me until it’s too late. Then who will your
new fuck toy be?”
“HEY! You are not a toy to me baby. I love you. I would never hurt you. You
need a break from me? This coming weekend ok? You stay home this coming
weekend. I’ll tell your dad but only on the condition you go out with me. I’ll
take you out to dinner you and me. Just us and then you come home. No sex, no
kissing just come out with me. You understand? You really feel like you’re
going to kill yourself?” He asked me.
I nodded my head. I was too tired to keep going the way I was going. Too tired
and sick and beyond exhausted. I barely had energy to do my school work to talk
to and rock my little brothers and sisters to sleep let alone the mental energy
to not tell mum what was going on. That Da and Leo had brainwashed her into
believing none of it was real. To keep me from pulling up my shirt and showing
her the bruises from lips, the nicks and cuts from teeth on my skin. Teeth and
lips that I hadn’t wanted there against my skin. Biting into my soul.
“Ok, well you try again you don’t go to the hospital. I’ll put you down stairs
in my cell room. It’s a storage room in the back of the garage. It’s padded. I
keep my boys in there sometimes when they feel out of control. Usually I do a
lot of drug and talk therapy when they’re in there until you feel better. If
you need that you need to let me know. But for right now just a weekend off ok?
Just dinner. I’ll take you to Olive Garden or Don Pablo’s or something. I love
you. Try to rest. Try to just relax. I’ll see you Friday after school when we
go out and then I’ll check in with you Saturday. A phone call and on Sunday
I’ll see you at mass. I want you to try and calm down because I definitely
don’t want you doing anything stupid to yourself,” Leo said.
“Ok,” I nodded my head, “Ok.”
“Good, I love you ok?” Leo said as he pulled up into the driveway in front of
the gate.
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head hopping out of the SUV as the sun started
falling behind the tree tops and I walked up the drive towards the kitchen
door.
***** 43 *****
Chapter Summary
     John gets home and find comfort. Mum starts getting her memory back
     and as a lot of questions.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 898 to 920. Mostly dialogue. It was almost at least 20 pages
     longer but decided to cut it down. Warnings: Talk of rape/non-con,
     Flashbacks, underage kissing, underage drinking, underage smoking,
     talk of child sexual abuse, talk of oral contact with a five year old
     girl Just keep in mind my warnings are always heavy and chapter
     relevant. So please don't read if it's going to upset you.
When I walked in no one was on the ground floor everyone seeming to be busy
elsewhere in the house and I took a moment to grab a bottle of Vodka out of the
liquor cabinet. Opening it and drinking as much of it as I could in one go
before I grabbed the phone and dialed his number. Before I found it impossible
to move air in and out of my lungs anymore. Before I collapsed knowing that
even though this weekend was much needed relief none of this was over.
“Hello?” I heard Cole’s voice.
I thought I answered back. Sighing heavily.
“Hello anyone there?” Cole asked again.
“Cole?” I replied quietly the word feeling weird in my mouth.
“John are you ok? Need me to get Pat?” He asked.
“Please,” I said quietly.
“Hello John?” Pat said getting on the phone making me squeeze the receiver
tighter in my fist.
“Babe? Can you come? You said I should call anytime if I needed to…” He cut me
off.
“I’m coming, I’ll meet you downstairs ok? Be there if you’re not there I’m
going to flip out,” He warned me and I heard the phone clatter.
“Is everything ok John?” Cole asked, “He just kind of took off like outside
like he didn’t even stop for his shoes are you ok?”
“I need him,” I said.
“Ok,” Cole said, “You can talk to me you know? If you need to.”
“I- I don’t know,” I answered.
“Ok well the way he’s moving he’ll be there in like two minutes so I’m going to
hang up. Take care of yourself ok?”
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head even though he couldn’t see me, “thanks.”
I hung up the phone. I sighed sitting down at the kitchen table hoping Uncle
Ben or Da didn’t show up at any second because I desperately needed him. I
needed to see Pat to feel his arms around me telling me it was ok that I wasn’t
a piece of shit. That Dick wasn’t right. That nothing about me was perfect or
irresistible enough for people to just use me all the time. That I wasn’t such
a horrible person I deserved to be forced to do things like that.
I sat there on the stool at the kitchen island. Numb, feeling lost. Just
wanting something that I wasn’t sure how to explain. I wasn’t even really sure
what I wanted but I knew whatever it was I wanted it. I sighed not sure what I
was doing my body still shaking wishing I didn’t have to feel them, wishing I
had clean clothes and a shower to sit in. Wishing Pat was with me trying to
keep my breathing even with the hope that he’d be the one to find me in the
kitchen and not my Da or Uncle or even mum because mum would want to know what
was wrong and I couldn’t tell her. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone.
The door burst open with a knock. Pat standing there in the door way breathless
his eyes wide, scared. I felt relief wash over me. Relief so strong the tears
I’d been fighting to keep at bay threatening to fall. He came over to me
wrapping his arms around.
“Oh god, you sounded so wrong on the phone. Not like you at all. Tell me you’re
ok, please?” Pat said to me his hand rubbing up and down my back through my
button up.
“I can’t do it anymore,” I said squeezing him to me. Burying my face against
his shoulder, his t-shirt and body order smelling completely and wholly like
him making me feel calmer even though I was still in danger.
“I know,” he hushed me, “I know. You look like a mess. What happened?”
“They made me do it. I didn’t want to and they made me. I begged them not to
and they made me,” I mumbled into his shoulder.
“I know you didn’t want to. I know Rabbit you’re safe now,” Pat said.
“You don’t get it. It was bad. I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to and…” I
stammered Pat kissed my head rubbing my back.
“Nothing would ever make me think that you did Rabbit. Nothing, not ever. Ok?
You’re safe right now. No one is going to hurt you while I’m around ok? God, I
love you. I’m so so sorry Rabbit, I’m so sorry,” Pat cooed, “Do you need some
water? Anything?”
“Don’t let go of me,” I whimpered.
“Ok,” Pat nodded his head tucking my head under his chin holding me close,
“ok.”
He stood there holding me for what seemed like forever letting me whimper and
cry into his shirt getting my snot and tears all over him as he rocked me and
told me I was ok. That I was going to be all right. After I grew quiet he
sighed into me kissing my head again.
“How bad was it?” He asked me.
“Dick climbed into the backseat with me. I kept asking him not to. And he just
kept trying to kiss me, and pulling my clothes off. I kept begging him to stop
and he wouldn’t and I asked Leo to make him stop and Leo told me that it was
ok. That I should do it. That it was ok and it wasn’t. When we got to the house
Leo asked for the rest of my clothes. He wanted me to be naked. Like he always
does. I begged him to let me keep them because I couldn’t. I felt so sick and
so scared that I couldn’t. Then I threw up and I passed out,” I said.
“You passed out did they at least call Vic?” Pat asked me frowning angrily to
which I nodded my head no able to see him through my tears.
“They took me to the bedroom. I woke up and Vic and Leo were fighting about me.
Vic was telling Leo he needed to give me a break. That I needed a break because
I was sick, I kept getting sick and Leo said Vic hadn’t ran the test so he
didn’t know for sure that was what it was. And they fought about it and Leo
said he saved me from worse people. That my Da was thinking of giving me to. He
said Vic sounded like a sympathizer. That being a sympathizer wasn’t a label
that Vic wanted and then he told Vic to take off his clothes.”
“What?!” Pat’s eyes went wide and I saw the color drain from his face.
“He promised me after Da he wouldn’t do that. That he wouldn’t do that again
but he did. He did and he didn’t care and I didn’t want to and he did and I
didn’t want to and he did and I didn’t want to and he…”
“Oh ok, ok Rabbit, ok, you’re ok, it’s ok. Oh god, oh geeze, you’re ok,
shhhh…it’s ok,” Pat said stroking my back as I started sobbing harder again
into his chest.
At the time, I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to me. What Vic had
done. But looking back it was because he had promised, sworn to me that would
never happen again. He had gone back on his word. He had made me trust him and
then gone back on his word. That betrayal had effectively shattered me. Getting
closer to trusting him again and then him tearing it away from me because one
guy said he had to. Because Leo had told him he had to. He was supposed to be
my doctor. He was supposed to take care of me, to examine me when I was sick.
How could I ever even stand to be in the same room with him again?
“You don’t have to talk about it anymore ok? I get it. I understand,” Pat said,
“Oh god.”
“He said he wouldn’t ever do it again but he did. And Dick said bad things. He
said he didn’t think he was…gay before me. Because he decided he wanted me,” I
whispered into Pat’s chest.
“Dick’s an asshole ok? If you could turn him gay which I’m pretty sure that’s
not how it works, anyone could probably turn him gay. He was gay before you.
He’ll be gay after we get out of this shit hole I promise you. You have nothing
to do with who Dick is attracted to,” Pat tried to assure me.
“They say I’m perfect. that I feel good, That I taste good. I don’t want to be
good at that. I don’t want to be good for just that,” I whimpered saying
something I didn’t say very often but they said all the time. Admitting that
they said those type of things to me.
“You’re human. The only thing perfect about you is that you’re perfectly human
Rabbit. Your so much more than skin that tastes nice and a pretty face. I
promise, you’re wonderful and your handsome and smart, and funny and kind. You
are so much more than what they tell you, you are,” Pat said to me.
“You promise?” I asked him, wanting to believe what he said was true. That that
wasn’t all I was. That I was something more then what they said I was.
“I promise with my whole being, that you are so much more than that. That you
matter more than that to people who really care about you. That they say those
things to make you hate yourself to make you feel bad. Don’t listen to them.
Don’t let them get to you. I know that’s hard to do especially when they are
the only people you’re allowed to be around but, it’s true,” Pat said.
“I just want to be with you. I don’t want anyone else. I…I don’t know. I don’t
…I just don’t know,” I sighed finally starting to feel calmer. To feel more
grounded, safe.
It was hard to feel safe. Between Da and Leo and now Dick and my teachers it
was hard to feel safe anywhere. To want to be with anyone but myself. But Pat,
he made me feel safe. He made me trust him and made my heart beat slow and the
air move through my body like it was the most natural thing in the world to
breathe when most of the time even breathing felt like a struggle. When his
body connected to mine, when I had slipped inside of him it felt like that’s
how it was meant to be. Even though we obviously had only really had consensual
sex once without it being forced on us it had felt like nothing I had ever
experienced before.
“Me too,” Pat said, “Me too Rabbit always. I love you so much and I’m so beyond
sorry I can’t stop them. I want to so badly if I could I was murder every
single one of them or at least castrate them.”
“I think that would turn out worse for me than for you,” I answered quietly.
“Yeah that’s what I’d be afraid of too. My Dad seems to know you’re my
weakness. That I need you to be ok. When I don’t want to…you know with Gus? He
threatens you or he tells me things he’s done to you. I think he does it
because he knows it’ll upset me. Because he’ll say something and then he’ll be
like “I can’t wait to do that again.” Or something equally nasty,” Pat
admitted.
“He does?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Pat nodded his head swallowing the lump in his throat.
“Like what does he say?” I asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” Pat told me pulling me close kissing my cheek.
“What if it does to me?” I asked him.
“Listen whatever he says, it doesn’t matter ok? Trust me I would never let him
hurt you if I could help it” Pat said.
“I know I just want to know what he says, please?” I requested quietly.
“He mostly talks about where he likes to…kiss you. He talks about how he
sometimes likes to use toys and how you seem to respond to that. Just little
things that he knows are going to piss me off. Going to make me do what he
wants with who he wants because I don’t want him to hurt you,” Pat answered.
“Oh,” I said thinking about what that meant. Where he liked to kiss me? That he
blew me all the time. How he used toys? How he shoved vibrators up my ass and
then blew me how my body always… I started crying.
“Shhh…” Pat said as I feel to my knees him grabbing me holding me. Rocking me
gently, “Shhh…it’s ok. Shhh…”
“You shouldn’t know,” I whimpered, “You shouldn’t know.”
“No, no rabbit it’s ok. I know it’s not true that you want it. I know you don’t
want it. Ok?” I love you so much and I know you don’t want it,” Pat said.
“I don’t know. You shouldn’t know,” I said.
“What’s wrong with me knowing? Rabbit I know you don’t want to me to know but
those things he says are lies. I know you don’t ask him for more. I’d be stupid
to believe anything my Dad says. He’s just jealous that you don’t want to be
with him. He’s sick and he wants to twist everything around but you know what?
I won’t let him. I won’t let him twist us up. I love you and I know you better
than I know anyone, better than I know myself and I can tell you without a
doubt you don’t want any of them. Not ever not even their finger tips on your
skin,” Pat told me, “Hey? You want to go take a shower? Get cleaned, get fresh
clothes? It might make you feel better.”
I nodded my head trying to breathe. Him holding me up, supporting my weight. It
wasn’t fair. There were things he wasn’t supposed to know. Things that Hank
shouldn’t have told him. How did he not find me gross? The fact that my body
shuddered as it came in Hanks mouth, on his stomach when he laid on top of me.
How I moaned and panted even though he was hurting me. Even though I didn’t
want it. How could any of those things be something he was ok with?
“Come on,” Pat said pulling me upstairs and into the guest room where mum used
to sleep before we ran away helping me pull my undershirt up over my head as he
turned on the shower water him pulling off his t-shirt and shoving his jeans
and boxers past his hips as I undid my khakis and let them fall to the ground.
He climbed into the tub holding me up pulling me over the side sitting down and
pulling me into his lap. Both of us were naked, me curled up into a ball as he
rocked me and let me cry. Then I heard his light little whispers. His singing
that always made me feel better.
“Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe…”
He sang the whole song to me quietly. I knew I loved you by Savage Garden. By
the time he was done singing I was done crying. My breathing evened out, my ear
pressed against his chest listening to his heart beat.
“Are you feeling any better?” He asked me rubbing his hand through my wet hair
to which I nodded sighing deeply.
“You still shouldn’t know that,” I answered.
“Maybe I shouldn’t, maybe it wasn’t his right to say any of that. But, it
doesn’t make me love you any less. I promise nothing could make me stop loving
you,” Pat told me.
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’m just tired of feeling like I’m a blow-up
doll.”
“Don’t trust how you feel. Trust me, trust how I feel about you ok? I know it’s
hard. I know it’s so hard when all they do is…use you but trust me please,” Pat
said.
“I trust you. I do,” I answered nodding my head.
“Good, good, let’s get you washed up and find some clothes ok? Then we’ll go
upstairs and lay down for a while. Just try and chill ok?” Pat said.
I nodded my head and stood up helping him to his feet as he took the shower
poof and allowed the body wash to drip onto it humming lightly before he rubbed
it softly against my skin in small circles. His hands felt warm. He felt warm
like I could feel his love radiating out from his skin into mine with his
touch. After he was done soaping up my back he handed me the poof and I cleaned
my front rinsing myself as he soaped himself up.
“Can you get my back?” He asked me when I turned around handing it to me,
“Thanks.”
“No problem,” I answered scrubbing his back gently, “thank you.”
“For what?” He asked me.
“For putting up with me. My moods. How much I cry,” I answered honestly.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you. Even wear your snot proudly on my shirt,”
Pat said making me laugh lightly as he smiled, “I love that sound.”
“I love you,” I replied.
“I love you too,” Pat said kissing me lightly before stepping around me to
rinse off as I climbed out grabbing a towel and drying myself off wrapping it
around my waist as Pat turned off the water.
“Ready to go upstairs?” He asked me after he dried himself off.
“I don’t know, I’m scared that…” I sighed feeling naked and exposed.
“I know I’m right here though. If they get you they get me too ok?” Pat said to
which I nodded my head.
He was right if they stopped me and tried to hurt me he was right there just as
naked as I was. That didn’t make me feel any better about it but, it was the
truth. And I knew he wouldn’t just take off and run if they decided to hurt me
that he would protest that he would stay and try to fight them unless he
thought him fighting would make things worse for me. Everything he did or
didn’t do was for me.
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Let’s go upstairs and find some clothes you can
barrow some so you don’t have to go home in your stinky stuff.”
“Ok,” he said nodding his head and opening the bathroom door. He stopped as he
opened the door looking up and down the hall to make sure neither one of them
was there and then started walking towards the lift. When we got upstairs we
could smell the food. It was some sort of seafood but the smell made me feel
sick and I was beyond tired a little figure running down the hallway towards
us.
“John, I…why don’t you have clothes on?” James asked looking at us both clad in
our towels.
“John’s a little tired right now bud,” Pat answered as I sighed not wanting to
have to explain that my clothes had felt filthy against my skin because they
had been ripped from my body so someone could rape me. So, three people could
rape me.
“Where are your clothes?” James asked his confusion only growing.
“Well,” Pat said thinking of his answer as I saw the back of his neck starting
to turn red from the blush creeping around his face which made me smile… “I
fell into the pool and my clothes got all wet so I had to take them off.”
Will came up clearing his throat hiding a smile, “Well, don’t you think you
should both go find clothes. Speaking of did you fall into the pool again too
John? Because I’m seeing a pool equals lack of clothing theme in your life.”
“Ha-ha,” I said flipping him the bird.
“JOHNATHAN!” Mum said coming up behind Will, “Why are you late for dinner and
where on earth are your clothes?”
“Why is everyone concerned about my state of dress?” I asked.
“Well for one most people don’t go for a nude swim with their best friend who
is also male,” Mum answered, “Two it’s 7 at night so it’s a bit of an odd time
to air yourself out don’t you think?”
Now I was the one who started blushing, “Mum it’s not like that.”
“Look, I don’t care as long as you keep it to yourself,” Mum said, “Now go find
some clothes and come eat dinner, you too Patrick.”
“Yes Mrs. McGregor,” Pat said his face still beet red.
“You’ve known me long enough Danielle is fine Patrick,” Mum told him.
“Ok Danielle,” Pat answered, “I’m going to barrow some of John’s clothes.”
“Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Now both of you go,” Mum said.
We both hurried to my bedroom and once the door was shut Pat started laughing,
“Oh lord I have never been so embarrassed for taking a shower in my life.”
“You did take one with her son,” I said laughing.
“Oh shush. Those are my favorite ones to be honest,” Pat added.
“Wait until she hears you say that,” I said.
“OH, god no! She’d hate me forever,” Pat said.
“My mum doesn’t hate you. I’m surprised they didn’t brain wash the hate back
into her to be honest. She seemed very calm about the whole thing. I mean I
thought I would never hear her say I don’t care as long as you keep it to
yourself. And we are only…” Pat cut me off.
“Maybe they brain washed her to think we’re both like 16?” Pat asked me.
“I doubt it,” I answered pulling a shirt out of my drawer and tossing it at Pat
as I grabbed a second one.
“Woah,” Pat said stopping coming over to me putting his hand on my chest, “What
in the…?”
I looked down and realized why he said that. Big purple bite marks up and down
my torso. I knew the light in the hallway had been dim but had it really been
that dim that mum wouldn’t have noticed? That no one had noticed? That made me
worry. What if they had brain washed mum worse than I thought. Brain washed her
to think it was normal. That we were normal.
“What?” Pat asked me looking at my face.
“What if…?” I stopped.
“Rabbit it was dark. She probably didn’t notice ok? Don’t think the worst.
Don’t play that game. You’ll drive yourself crazy wondering. Just put on some
clothes and let’s go eat,” Pat said kissing my cheek.
“I’m not hungry,” I answered pulling my shirt over my head letting my towel
fall to the ground.
“Eat for me then?” He asked me giving me puppy eyes.
I still hadn’t told anyone that I threw up all the time. I didn’t want him to
know though, I didn’t want anyone to know. I had promised him I would try to
eat for him and I didn’t plan to break my promise.
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll eat something.”
“Thank you, do you have any pants? Because I kind of need some,” Pat said as I
noticed my shirt while most of my shirts were big on me the one I had given him
first him perfectly ending at his waist leaving him naked from there down. If
it had been a different moment I would have been horny. Would have wanted him
but just then I was too worried about stuff even though it was a very nice
view.
“You sure you don’t want to go like that?” I joked.
“Yeah totally why not show your mom my dick? Give Alice and Debbie a little
show too,” he said snorting, “No seriously though pants would be nice.”
“Yeah,” I agreed nodding my head pulling out two pairs of sweat pants.
Pat looked comical in my sweats them not even covering his ankle those extra
few inches he had on me really making a huge difference when it came to pants.
I laughed looking at him.
“Hey, it’s not my fault you’re so short,” he said.
“I’m not that short,” I answered.
“I’m taller than you are,” he answered me.
“You’re also about a year older than I am,” I answered, “How tall are you 5’8?”
“Just about,” he replied, “And you’re like 5’5 right?”
“Just about,” I answered, “Ok well, we have clothes. Should we go eat?” I
asked.
“Yes,” he said.
We walked out to the table where the babies and Cat and the twins were still
eating their dinner with Mum nearby. It was some type of tuna helper which was
not something I enjoyed. I hated tuna however that explained why it smelt so
bad. We both sat down and started eating.
“So, what were you two up to this afternoon?” Mum asked looking at us.
I didn’t know what to say. Did I tell her the truth? That I was being held down
all afternoon so…I couldn’t deal with that. She wasn’t ready to know yet.
“Honey what’s wrong?” Mum asked me.
“I-I nothing,” I answered quietly.
“No, I know that look. Something is wrong, tell me love please?” Mum said.
“Huh,” Pat exhaled, “John you have to eat. Please?”
“Oh yeah,” I said picking up my fork and putting food on it lifting it to my
lips numbly. I managed a couple of bites before she asked again.
“What’s wrong? Where were you?”
Pat squeezed my knee gently under the table as a show of support, letting me
know I wasn’t alone. That he was there. That if I wasn’t ready to tell her
about it I didn’t have to. I was glad because I felt like it wasn’t going to be
ok if I had to talk about it again. Talking about it once made me feel better.
But talking about again just felt like reliving it.
“You want me to tell her?” Pat asked me quietly.
“Yeah, you can but I don’t know if it’s a good idea,” I answered.
“What’s not a good idea? Do you two need to speak to me in private about
something?” Mum asked.
“Yes, that would probably be a good idea,” Pat answered for me, for us.
“Is this about Da?” Catty asked.
“What about Da firefly?” Mum asked her.
“About when he’s funny,” she said to which the twins and I shot her a look,
“What? I know we’re not supposed to talk about it but, that’s what it’s about
right?”
“What do you mean by when Da’s funny?” Mum asked her.
Catty’s little face went as red as her hair, “When he…touches us and it feels
funny.”
“That’s just nightmares loves,” Mum said.
“No mum it’s…it’s not,” Mikey said quietly.
“What do you mean it’s not?” She asked, “Debbie, Alice can you stop with the
dishes and take the babies to their rooms?”
“Yes Danielle,” Debbie said grabbing Andy and setting him on the floor and
doing the same for Laura before leading them down the hall by their hands as
Alice grabbed Mac and walked down the hallway out of sight with him.
“Now we’re going to wait a minute and then I think I should call Will and James
in here and we should talk about this as a family. Pat you’re welcome to stay
if you have any idea what’s going on because I certainly don’t.”
“I do,” Pat answered, “I’ll stay.”
“All right then,” she said as we waited for Alice and Debbie to come back
grabbing Mary and Seamus and taking them back down the hall as Pat walked into
the living room and got Will and James who sat down at the table.
“Ok what do you mean by when he’s funny?” She asked Catty whose face was still
beyond red.
“Well at school,” James started, “they told us that sometimes people touch you
and it doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t feel ok and there are places where they
shouldn’t touch you? He touches us there sometimes. Sometimes it just feels
funny and sometimes it hurts.”
“No,” Mum shook her head balling her hands into fist, “No they told me those
were nightmares. That it was stuff I made up because after the babies were born
I got sick.”
“Mum it’s true,” Will said, “It’s, it’s not good.”
“Did I know about this? You’re telling me I didn’t make any of this up?” She
asked us.
“Right,” Matt said nodding his head.
“And the video…” Her eyes widened looking at me, “Oh my god. No, that can’t be
real. That’s not real. John please tell me that that wasn’t…”
I didn’t know what to say or if I could say anything so I just stood up and
pulled up my shirt. Showing her the scars and bruises up and down my torso.
While some of them were faded and you couldn’t tell what they were from many
others were very visibly hickies and bite marks. I kept my shirt up trying to
breathe keeping my eyes closed just trying to breathe. Trying to find a way to
keep the air coming in and out of my body as I felt someone hug me and I
breathed in deep. The smell of pretzels and chocolate and tobacco.
“Why are you we here then?” She asked me, “I thought I …no I wouldn’t let this
happen.”
“You didn’t let it happen mum,” Will said, “You tried to stop it. Da hired some
guy to come find us don’t you remember? He brought us home and had you thrown
into the hospital. He convinced everyone you were crazy. You’re not crazy mum.
You’ve never been crazy. He just wants you to think you are.”
“No, I don’t remember that. I remember taking you guys away because I thought
you were being hurt but I don’t remember him forcing us to come back. I thought
I came back because I knew it was…it was in my head.”
“It wasn’t in your head Danielle,” Pat said, “It’s been really hard for them.
All of them while you were gone.”
“It’s gotten worse than what I remember?” She asked looking at us. Looking at
all the faces that were so interested in the wooden surface of the table under
their elbows.
“Yeah,” Pat answered, “It is wrong I feel weird talking about this? I mean it’s
not my…”
“Patrick you’re here all the time. They might have convinced me I’m crazy but I
know that,” Mum answered, “If they can’t say something and you feel like you
can go for it because I need some answers and my children are apparently so
traumatized they can’t do it for themselves. So, if you have answers please
give them to me. It’s gotten worse?”
“Yeah,” Pat said again nodding his head, “He’s made more videos with different
people. He’s. Do you remember anything about the whole organization?”
“I’m not sure what you’re referring to,” Mum answered.
“Your husband, my Dad, a few other people are in this thing called the FFCL. Or
the brotherhood and they believe in being in a sexual relationship with their
kids. Huh, shit. It’s a group thing and sometimes they swap kids they throw
group parties and stuff. They…”
“Wait, so you’re telling me that these people give their kids to other people
so they can abuse them too?” Mum asked.
“Yes,” Pat answered, “They believe that it doesn’t matter how old someone is
they should be trained to perform in…well, in bed. Your husband does some
swapping sometimes. They also have what they call contracting. Where a guy will
sign a piece of paper saying that he wants to sleep with a certain kid, have a
relationship with them like…like that. Sometimes there’s money involved
sometimes not. But that means that kid has to do whatever their Dad and that
other guy agree to. And …”
“He let someone do this to my kids?” Mum asked Pat her voice unsteady tears in
her eyes.
“Just one, that I know of,” Pat answered and I felt five tiny pairs of eyes on
me as I stared at my hand that was holding Pat’s. I didn’t want them to know
that. I hadn’t wanted them to know. Know that I was someone’s whore. That I was
being pimped out.
“Who…? Never mind,” Mum said looking at all the faces turned in my direction,
“Is this a normal practice?”
“Yes,” Pat said, “Sadly it’s common. It’s something I’ve …experienced a couple
of times. It’s not very…it’s not nice. It doesn’t make you feel very good about
yourself.”
“I can only begin to imagine,” Mum murmured, “So how long has this been going
on?”
“Huh,” Pat breathed out exasperated.
“Can we stop talking about me?” I asked quietly.
“Anyone else want to tell me anything?” Mum asked.
“Da is…inviting people over sometimes,” Will said suddenly, “To huh, he throws
parties. They make us do things.”
“Bad things,” Mike added.
“It hurts sometimes,” James said, “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
“Oh my god,” Mum said standing up, “I’ll be back ok? Everyone stay here. I’ll
be back.”
She ran down the hall and punched the button to the lift hard. No one spoke
until she was gone. I didn’t know what to say. Because I felt many questions
buzzing in the air unsaid.
“That went better than I thought it would,” Will sighed.
“I feel like that was a bad idea guys, Da said not to do that,” Matt said.
“Well was he supposed to lie?” Mike asked, “Because Da also said we shouldn’t
lie. That lying is wrong you know lying is wrong.”
“This is different,” Matt insisted, “She’s going to be sad now and she doesn’t
do anything when she’s sad but sit in her room and cry.”
“Is that where you go every weekend?” Cat asked me, “To be with some guy like
Da who hurts you?”
“Hey, Cat,” Pat said, “Darling, I know you’re asking because you’re confused
and worried but could you just kind of not…” I cut Pat off.
“Yes,” I answered, “Yes. Some guy hurts me.”
“Like bad?” Cat asked, “Or like you know tickly bad?”
“Depends,” I answered nearly choking as I spoke.
“That’s wrong,” Catty said her little eyes filling with tears, “That’s wrong.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said, “Come here firefly.”
I held open my arms to her and she hugged me tightly, “it’s ok. I’ll be ok.”
“Do you think he’d do that to me?” She asked me quietly.
“No,” I shook my head, “Never. I would never let him do that to you. Listen you
guys ok? It’s different. I’m different. None of the stuff that happens to me
will happen to you if I can stop it. I promise.”
“You can’t stop it. Don’t make those types of promises to them,” Will said,
“You know you can’t. You try and look at you, you weigh less than I do. You
don’t eat John, you hardly sleep. The worst part about it? They don’t care. Da,
his friends whoever else there is; they don’t care. But they won’t let you
starve to death. Oh no, they won’t because that mean letting go of one of their
toys.
We’re just toys to them. That’s all we are. How long do you think before he
hooks me up with someone I have to spend the weekend with? How long do you
think before I’m getting it up the butt from someone other than Da or uncle
Ben?”
“Wait they stick what in your butt?” Cat asked her eyes wide and fearful,
confused as she looked up at me.
“Thank you Will,” I said nodding my head, “Now I have to explain this to our
five-year-old sister. Great going.”
“Oh, please god,” Will huffed, “Would you rather I do it?”
“The way you’re behaving right now no,” I said shaking my head.
“Are they going to stick things in my butt?” She asked her fear only growing.
“Ok,” Pat said clearing his throat, “Come on dear, we’re going to go to your
room and have a long talk.”
“A talk?” She asked.
“Yes, it’s one I’ve given before. It will be informative,” Pat said holding his
hand out to her standing up and taking her down the hall, “Do you have any
Barbie’s or baby dolls…?” I heard him ask as they walked away.
“Oh god,” I said resting my forehead on the table, “Are you serious? Oh geeze.”
“She doesn’t know about butts?” Matt asked confused.
“No, it’s not that. She does know about butts. She does have one. She doesn’t
know about sex.”
“What’s sex?” Mike asked.
“Mike, we’ve had this talk remember? The talk about where babies come from?” I
asked him.
“Oh…OH! She doesn’t know that? That girls have a baby that comes out one hole
and because we don’t have that hole they…”
“Yes, that’s exactly what we’re talking about,” Will said nodding his head, “I
didn’t realize she didn’t know ok? Sorry.”
“How much did you know when you were five?” I asked him.
“Well, he was climbing into my bed at night. So, how much do you think I knew?
How much did you know?” Will shot back.
“I honestly don’t even really remember,” I scoffed.
“I have a question,” James said.
“Ok, I can answer your question,” Will said.
“Ok sometimes this like weird white stuff comes out of them and it’s sticky and
gross and they make weird sounds when it happens…” James started.
“That’s called ejaculate. It happens when older guys get very …excited. It will
happen to you one day too. It’s nothing to really worry about too much,” Will
said.
“I don’t think I want that to happen to me,” Mikey added cringing and shaking
his head.
“Well, you don’t get a choice sadly. Like I mean sometimes for me it just I’ll
be eating an apple and that won’t happen but I’ll just get hard and it’s
very…uncomfortable,” Will answered.
“Yeah that still happens when you’re 13 too,” I told Will, “Pat once told me
that I needed to chill about all the activity going on down there because a
good ham sandwich can make us get erections. He says it gets easier to deal
with and happens less often as you get older like he says he has even more
control over it now then he did last year…”
“Yeah sure…,” Will cleared his throat.
“What does that mean?” I asked him.
“We’re not stupid,” Matt said, “You two fell in the pool? Yeah right you were…”
“Matt not right now,” Will cut him off pointing at James.
“What about me?” James asked, “OH! You were doing that weird kissing thing that
you said is ok when Pat does it but not when Da does it weren’t you?”
I felt my face glowing red, “Ok, guys could we stop talking about whatever lack
of whatever I may or may not have? I don’t go around letting everyone just do
that to me ok? I don’t know why Will, you think I just bend over for everyone
but I don’t. All right? I fucking don’t.”
“Oh, you just swore!” James pointed out.
“Sorry,” Will said quietly, “I know you don’t ok? I realize that but, I don’t
get how you can be ok with…that type of stuff.”
“What type of stuff exactly? Kissing? What you think I do? You think I do stuff
all the time? I don’t, ok? And I’m not about to discuss that in front of anyone
under double digits all right,” I said.
“Wait you’re having sex?” Matt asked his mouth falling open, “I thought we
couldn’t do that with just anyone. I thought we could only do that with who Da
said it was ok. Does he know?”
“Fuck,” I muttered.
“You swore again!” James said again.
“Ok I’m going to go and check on Cat and Pat and see how exactly that is
going,” I said getting up from the table and walking away.
I wasn’t even sure what else to say to any of that. So, what if I was having
sex? I mean yeah, I was 13 but it had only been once. And it wasn’t like I was
a stranger to it. I’d been having sex since I was eight years old. It might
have been abnormal to outsiders but to me being forced to lay down with someone
on top of me doing stuff like that was just another day to me. It should have
been to them too but I guess because they had never thought about maybe wanting
to be with someone like that before that it wasn’t. That because they hadn’t
found anyone they could imagine being ok with doing that, it was a huge deal.
Before Pat I didn’t think I would ever let anyone touch me like that willingly,
ever want anyone to but with him, it was different.
Like I have said before it felt like everything he did got rid of everything
they did. That sometimes I needed to feel his hands on my skin to make me
forget them. To remind me that it wasn’t all bad. That sometimes life could be
good. That maybe someone could love me, actually care about me. Actually, want
me no matter how gross I was. No matter what they had made me do with them.
I knocked on the door and opened it slowly to find Ken and Barbie naked in
Pat’s hands.
“Ok you see how Ken has like this little slope thingy here? Well I think that’s
supposed to be his Penis. Boys have penis’ well each boy has a penis but
anyway…and this bare area right here this is where the girl has a…
“Vagina!” Cat said loudly and proudly.
“Yes, so you know about those?” Pat asked.
“Yeah, mummy told me about them. It’s where I pee,” She answered him proudly
before covering her mouth with her hand and giggling.
“That’s not really true…” Pat said and I cut him off.
“Babe, we’re going simple here, she’s five,” I pointed out, “Would you like
some help?”
“Yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve done this and it’s the first time I’ve
done it with a girl so…” Pat said.
“Ok yes peeing is one use for a vagina,” I said picking up a stuffed pig,
“excuse me madam may I use your seat?” I asked the pig.
“She says yes,” Cat told me.
“Thank you very much,” I told the pig shaking her hoof and putting her on the
floor next to the chair, “There is another use for it. You know how when you
play connect four the round disks are made so they perfectly fit into the
hole?”
“Yes,” Cat said.
“Well a man’s penis is made to fit into a woman’s vagina when they are really
really in love.”
“You mean like how Daddy loves you?” She asked me which made me stop and go
silent, “Did I say something wrong? Are you mad at me?”
“No honey he’s not mad he’s just…like Your Dad loves your Mummy ok?” Pat said.
“Ok but Da …wait boys don’t have Vaginas,” Cat said.
“That’s right,” Pat said.
“So…they put it where your poop comes out?” She asked us.
“Right,” Pat answered.
“That sounds like it would hurt,” she told us matter of factly.
“Oh, it does. It hurts a lot,” Pat told her.
While I still sat there silently my brain still reeling from “how daddy loves
you”. That means she understood at least a little. That he was teaching them
things that I didn’t want them to know and mum didn’t want them to know.
“Do they do things with their mouth too, the boys I mean?” She asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked snapping out of myself. With their mouths? Last
time she had told me about any of that stuff she said he had just touched her
she didn’t mention mouths.
“Da says it’s supposed to be a secret,” she said quietly.
“You can tell us we won’t tell,” Pat said after shooting me a worried glance.
“He does stuff down there with his mouth with my vagina,” She said quietly, “It
tickles bad. I don’t like it.”
“Yeah,” I said as Pat looked at me trying to stay calm, “Yeah it happens.”
“Does it feel funny to you too?” She asked, “Even though you have a penis?”
“Yeah honey. Yeah, it feels funny,” I answered.
“Does it make it hard to breathe?” She asked.
“More than it did when I was your age yeah,” I answered.
“Why would it be worse when you’re older?” she asked me.
“Well, when people get older their bodies change and mine changed so that
different things happen down there. Just like yours will when you get older,” I
answered.
“What happens down there when I get older?” She asked.
“Well, that’s something you need to ask mum about because I’m not sure the way
I would explain it would make any sense. But you’ll get hair, everyone gets
hair and you’ll get breast like mum. And just a lot of different things will
happen,” I said.
“Will you get breasts too?” She asked looking at my chest.
“Probably not,” I said, “If I was I think I would already have them.”
Pat tried not to laugh and nodded his head, “I think he’s right. I think if he
was going to have breasts they would be here and I haven’t seen any yet.”
“Don’t tease her. I think that was a serious question,” I said.
“You’ve seen him without a shirt?” She asked Pat.
“Boys can go places without shirts because we don’t have breasts,” Pat said.
“I’ve never seen him without a shirt,” Catty said.
Which I had to admit usually I did wear shirts because I had scars all over my
body that I didn’t want everyone seeing and I felt better being clothed. It
wasn’t something I had really thought about as an issue. Was she now going to
ask if he had seen me naked? Because honestly that happened all the time and
not because we were having sex with each other but because we happened to live
in a microcosm controlled by perverts.
“Well that’s because I like shirts. Their comfortable,” I answered.
“But you don’t have to wear one?” She asked me.
“Well, there are places I go where everyone is supposed to wear a shirt like
school, the store or the movies. However, like the beach or the pool or at home
a guy doesn’t have to wear a shirt unless he wants to,” Pat told her.
“And you want to wear shirts?” Cat asked me.
“Yes,” I nodded my head vigorously, “Very much so yeah.”
“It is because of Da?” She asked me.
“Yeah,” I answered nodding my head some more.
“Because he likes to see you without a shirt?” She asked me.
“Ok,” Pat said stopping her, “Let’s talk about this. How do you know that your
Dad might like seeing him without a shirt?”
“Well, Daddy said that his pants get tight when he gets excited when he thinks
something is nice to look at. That sometimes you can see it. He showed me once.
He said that sometimes John makes his pants tight because he’s nice to look at
like I’m nice to look at sometimes,” Cat said, “Like that one time he kissed
you and you started shaking and you whined at him to stop it. When he put his
hand down your pants. He told me that time his pants go really tight.”
“I don’t feel very good so I’m going to go,” I said feeling sick to my stomach
remembering that how embarrassed I was about it. How I had hoped everyone would
forget about that.
“Rabbit…,” I hurried from the room trying to keep myself calm allow myself to
breathe.
I felt like I was choking on air. Like everything was wrong. I walked to my
room and grabbed the comforter off the bed because it wasn’t my bed. It was one
of his beds. One that he put there so it would easier for him to use me, to
touch me. I hated that fucking bed. And I went into my closet closing the doors
the best I could and curled up there. I didn’t want to think about that. How he
had basically molested me in front of my siblings. How they knew about sex
because he had touched them, molested them. Let other people molest them and
rape them. How he had performed oral sex on my little sister someone who he
should never touch. He should never had touched any of them ever.
After a couple of minutes, I heard the door open and then his voice, “Rabbit
are you in here?” He asked.
I didn’t say anything. Not because I didn’t want to be with him, of course I
did. I just felt too ashamed remembering that moment and thinking about what a
big fucking failure I was. That he had hurt her. Touched her like he shouldn’t
have. That he had told her what a hard on was. Those were things you learned in
sex Ed or from reading a health book not from your Da when you were five.
He stepped into the room shutting the bedroom door behind him and then the
closet door slowly opened, “Hey there,” he said getting down on the floor, “You
ok?”
“I just couldn’t talk about it anymore. It’s not normal.”
“I know,” Pat agreed, “It’s not normal for other people but for us, for them it
is. I mean you think it’s normal that we…that we’ve …you know?”
“I’ve been having sex regularly since I was 8 babe,” I told him, “It …I don’t
know. Ok? I don’t know.”
“That’s not real sex you know that, right? What they do. It’s rape it’s not
sex. Someone once told me that sex is something you want mentally, emotionally.
It’s something you both want. Where rape is something someone makes you do.
Someone told me once language is important and I noticed that you use blame
language. You put some responsibility on yourself and make it sound like a
choice when you say they made me have sex with them. It’s rape. You should say
they raped me especially now that we know how closely they, those little people
out there are paying attention to what he does not just to them but to you
too,” Pat told me.
“Is it really though? I mean I don’t always push them away I don’t always fi…”
Pat cut me off.
“Hey when I’m in that room with Gus I make a choice ok? I make a choice of
whether I’m going to try and push him away and deal with the bruises and
punches to the stomach that leave me in pain or if I’m just going to lay there
and go along with it because I don’t want to deal with a bruised rib or a
bloody nose while he’s on top of me or if I’m going to try and push him away
and fight back ok? Sometimes I make the safer choice. That doesn’t mean that I
want it. It doesn’t mean what he’s doing isn’t rape. It means I’m enforcing
what little control I have. I get it ok? I do. You don’t always fight back
because sometimes it makes more sense not to,” Pat said passion in his eyes.
“Sometimes I fight back,” I said quietly, “Earlier. I tried to push Dick away
and Leo came, he held my arms down. He held my arms down so Dick could…I tried
to fight back. Even in the car I tried to fight back.”
“Hey if you’re saying no even if you aren’t pushing them away you’re fighting
back. You’re making it clear that you aren’t ok with it. Even though I know
your Dad. He’s not ok with No not even a hint of it,” Pat said to which I
nodded my head.
“He’s been leaving me alone a little,” I said, “He did stuff to me last
Thursday. I know he did but, otherwise he’s left me alone.”
“When at the party?” He asked me, “Because usually that’s about swapping.”
“What do you think they were doing when I was alone in a room with all of
them?” I asked.
Pat stopped and thought about it, I could see the cogs turning in the back of
his brain looking back at the memory. The memory that was probably hazy like a
room filled with smoke from a dying fire or a foggy morning after a midnight
rain storm. He sighed nodding his head.
“They don’t do stuff like that with me,” he told me, “Not very often but I tend
to be nasty about it I guess. I bite and stuff. Arthur is really the only one
who likes to do that type of stuff to me anymore because of that. He likes
violence though and he doesn’t mind getting bit.”
“Really?” I asked.
I had only been with Arthur maybe once or twice once when he had whipped me and
another time when he had ripped me badly because he had decided to see if he
could fist me. I knew Hank liked biting people however I didn’t see him liking
getting bit at all. I thought it was strange that one of them would actually
like getting bit.
“Yeah he’s weird. Like he really likes getting bit. I don’t know, it’s super
strange but he likes blood too so…” Pat shrugged his shoulders.
“That was something Leo and Vic fought about earlier, the group stuff on
Thursday. He called it depo whatever that is.” I said.
“Depo means depravation. You obviously understand what it means so I don’t have
to explain it to you. Sometimes the anxiety it causes can make someone have a
panic attack. You can suffer from tactile sensitivity and that really sucks.
Even though I’m sure you know that too because it seems like you’re always
sitting right on that edge of tactile sensitivity which is why you’re so
jumpy,” Pat told me.
“Tactile sensitivity?” I asked.
“It’s when your body has been touched too much like you’ve had too much
stimulation or too many orgasms and it hurts. Just being touched literally
hurts. It feels like your skin is burning or you get that feeling of bugs
crawling all over you. I notice that when you get upset you tend to shake and
clench and unclench your fists. Usually that’s a sign of someone experiencing
over stimulation. Feeling the bugs and the burning and stuff,” Pat told me.
“Yeah, all the time,” I answered quietly, “It’s just…sometimes I don’t know. I
feel them even though they aren’t there. Usually it’s when someone says
something or does something. Like when Gus or Finick come up behind me and push
against me. One time it happened when I was sitting down watching TV. I can’t
even remember what I was watching but I could feel them and then I couldn’t sit
still. Like I don’t know it’s …when I was in Montana the doctor I was seeing
diagnosed me with PTSD. She called it something huh, an acute stress reaction.
Where if I get upset it just happens. The Ativan is supposed to help but all it
does it make me fall asleep and when I wake up it’s over. Here though if I
depended on that I would always be sleeping because it’s almost always there.
All Da has to do is walk into a room or speak and I…I can’t. It’s just I can’t
breathe or think.”
“It was like that for a long time with my Dad and I,” Pat said, “It starts to
get easier at some point. You just stop being afraid because he’s already done
every horrible thing to you he can do besides kill you. So, it just doesn’t
matter anymore. It just depends on my mood what I’m willing to put up with that
day. Drugs help make it easier. Coming off of those for you? It sucked but you
were sober so…I figured if I wanted to be supportive of you I should be too.”
“You didn’t have to. I didn’t know that’s why you quit. You and Cole made it
sound like you just got bored of it,” I answered.
“No, I mean Cole made it sound that way because he didn’t want it to be a big
deal. You didn’t need to be sober alone. Not after everything else that was
going on,” Pat said, “I love you ok? If there is anything I can do to make
things easier I will. I always will no matter what.”
“God, I love you too,” I said grabbing him lightly by the back of his neck
kissing him.
He deepened the kiss his tongue rolling across mine, his hands on my waist as
we sat on my closet floor. I wanted him. Wanted to feel him around me, his legs
around my waist his…him. I pulled away breathless. Not wanting to push it not
with my mum there, not with the kids there and what was going on. He nodded his
head pressing his forehead to mine smiling slightly with his eyes closed
enjoying the moment, not pushing it further than I was willing to take it.
“Are you going to be ok tonight?” He asked me quietly as I opened my eyes. His
ocean blue inches from my green the question etched there as well.
“As ok as I can be. He hasn’t really been huh, lately. Thank god,” I said
leaning into his neck, “I think he’s too busy with mum being home to really
find the time.
“Where is your mum?” He asked me, “She just like took off after the table
stuff. I haven’t seen her. Do you think she came back?”
“I don’t know,” I answered, “Usually she likes to tuck Cat and James in so
hopefully.”
“Are you going to tell her what Cat said? What she told us?” Pat asked me
quietly, “Because I know you probably feel like it’s not our place especially
mine to say anything but I think she needs to know.”
“I agree. Mum needs to know. I’m not sure Cat is going to know how to say it so
I’ll tell her. I remember being that little and telling her for the first time.
I thought I was going to die. I felt like just saying the words I was going to
die. I don’t want her to have to feel that way. To have to feel like she’s bad
for telling when he said she shouldn’t,” I answered tearing up.
“There’s nothing bad about you Rabbit. Not then and not now ok?” Pat said
hugging me, “You’re ok.”
“No, I know. It’s just remembering how scary that was. How I don’t know,” I
murmured.
“Well don’t think about ok? Just do it for her. Focus on her experience, not
yours. Just for right now ok?” Pat encouraged me.
“You’re right, can we cuddle for just a little while?” I asked him.
“Always,” he said smiling at me, “I love cuddling with you,” he said moving and
opening his arms for me.
I smiled at him skipping his arms and laying on top of his legs wrapping my
arms around his waist again burying my head in his lap. His breathe hitched as
his shirt rode up my nose pressed against his belly button as I felt certain
parts of him stir to life.
“Sorry,” I heard him whisper quietly to me.
“No, it’s ok,” I told him, “I don’t mind.”
“It apparently has its own ideas today,” he told me running a hand through my
hair gently.
“It’s really ok I could…if you want me to…,” I said feeling a blush break out
across my face as I knew I was bluntly staring at his tented crotch in the pair
of sweat pants he was wearing.
“You don’t have to you know? It’ll go away on its own if we just wait,” he
sighed into the top of my head sending warm tingles down my spine. God, I loved
him so much. I wanted him to know it, to be sure of it.
“Can I?” I asked him looking up at him from where I was still laying on his
legs biting my lip, “I mean I don’t have to if you don’t want me to but I
would…I want to if you do.”
Pat’s eyes went wide and he smiled nodding his head slowly as he leaned his
head back on the pillows closing his eyes. I almost squealed I was so excited
lifting his shirt up and kissing up his torso before I started kissing down
pulling my sweat pants down his hips, his hardness springing loose near my
face.
I ran my hand along the stubble on his balls making me aware of how much of a
man he already was compared to me as his breathing started coming in lighter
shorter gasps as my hand caressed and pulled at his growing erection.
“Oh my god,” he breathed rubbing his hands through my hair as I licked down his
shaft to his head just as we heard a knock on my door.
“It’s mum,” she said just as I managed to pull away and throw the covers over
Pat’s lap. Both of us slightly flushed as she opened the door.
“What are you two doing?” She asked us.
“Just talking,” I said.
“Are you sure you weren’t napping because your hair is really messed up John,”
I said.
“Well, we did nap and but then we were talking,” Pat answered.
“I’m not sure how much of that I honestly believe but I would like to talk to
you alone John so Patrick if you could…?” She said gesturing to the door.
Shit. Well shit. That’s all I could think because here Pat was wearing my sweat
pants which were around his knees his private parts obviously exposed under the
covers thrown across his lap. How on earth was I going to get him out of the
room without my mum realizing that I had been busy with…that.
“Can you give us a moment? Please?” I asked.
“A moment for what? You’ve been in here alone for hours and honestly my back
hurts,” she told me sighing.
“Mum please. Just shut the door for just like two minutes,” I said.
“John don’t…” She stopped speaking mid-sentence cocking her head to the side
appraising us, “Ok fine.” She shut the door for a minute or two.
“Holy fuck!” Pat mouthed and then snorted shaking his head.
“You’re telling me? I was having fun,” I whispered.
“You were having fun!? What about me?!” He said a little louder nearly laughing
as he stood up pulling up my pants, “I guess I’m going home. I’ll see you
later.”
“Yeah,” I said hugging him and whispering in his ear, “Finish this later?”
“Fuck yeah,” he said loud enough to startle himself, “I’m going to go now.”
He walked awkwardly to the door opening it to find my mum standing there to
which he smiled at her awkwardly and stepped past her. I felt weird. At least
it hadn’t been one of the kids was all I kept thinking because they probably
wouldn’t have knocked. I made a note to myself to bring up bedroom locks with
my mum after Pat had left.
***** 44 *****
Chapter Summary
     John and mum have a long talk. Vic shows up to check on John's weight
     and is also asked to look in on Catherine. The boys get on the bus to
     find Dom missing only to be pulled from their school bus straight to
     another bus.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 920 to 947 about 200 pages left give or take since I'm
     constantly editing as I update and I might make a few changes to some
     parts or not I haven't decided yet Warnings: talk of young child
     sexual abuse, talk of underage sex, Eating disorders, mental health
     issues, talk of forced incest
“Ok,” Mum said coming in and sitting on my bed, “First of all for right now
we’re going to ignore the fact you have sex hair because I don’t want to even
begin thinking about what you were doing in here. From now on the door stays
open though. Secondly, I spoke to your Da. He’s obviously not very happy with
any of the accusations going around.
“Mum they’re not accusations,” I told her seriously.
“I know I’m letting him think that I believe they are,” she said, “So Pat
mentioned that your Da is passing you out to someone?”
I felt my throat drop into my stomach. I didn’t want to talk about that. To
think about that. I closed my eyes exhaling deeply trying to keep myself calm.
“Da’s having oral sex with Cat now,” I said redirecting the topic.
“What?!” She asked me trying hard to keep her voice down.
“She told me,” I answered, “Earlier. He’s apparently told her what an erection
is too. She said he told her that when someone is nice to look at sometimes a
boy’s pants get tight. That Da told her…”
“Told her what?” She asked me.
I sighed crossing my arms in front of my chest and shaking my head. I didn’t
want to say that. I didn’t want her to know Catty had said that, that Da had
told Cat that. Or that Cat when I had said when two people really love each
other she had replied with the way Daddy loves you and not the way Daddy loves
mummy. It made me feel guilty like I had somehow caused it. Like it was my
fault that my parents were no longer together or in love.
“Told her what?” She asked.
“That his pants get tight sometimes when he looks at different people,” I
answered trying not to lie but not really tell the truth either. She said he
puts his mouth down there and it tickles but in a bad way.”
Mum’s whole body drained of color again. She sat there looking at me in silence
for a couple of moments. I wanted her to take my eyes off me. I didn’t want her
looking at me like that, like it was my fault even though I felt like it was. I
felt like if I hadn’t of been born me that maybe Da wouldn’t have let uncle Ben
do those horrible things or talk him into doing them too and then everyone else
would be ok. We would all be ok instead of stuck in the hell that we had found
ourselves in.
“What else did she say?” Mum asked me.
“I don’t know, just that he does that. That it makes her feel bad,” I answered.
“Did she ask you any questions? Did you answer?” She asked me.
I nodded my head.
“What did she ask you?” Mum asked me.
“huh, if…if Da had ever…used his mouth on me,” I answered not able to look my
mum in the face. Not wanting to think about it even though he had done it
millions of times. They all had.
“What did you say to her?” Mum asked me quietly.
I just nodded my head, “I didn’t want to say too much. She also asked me if I
wear a shirt all the time because of him. Because he likes it when…mum really?
Do I really have to tell you?”
“Love, I’m not asking you so I can criticize what you said or get upset with
you. I’m asking you so I know what was said in case I have to explain anything.
Or if she asks me any questions I know where they are coming from. I’m not
upset with you and I’m actually glad that you were honest with her so please
just tell me what happened. How the conversation came up,” she implored me.
“Well after you walked away someone said something. I don’t remember who, and
then Cat asked me if that’s why I go away every weekend. To go be with some guy
that Da …Mum please I don’t want to talk about this,” I begged her.
“Love, whatever you say you’re not in trouble. I won’t be upset with you. I
just need to know in case she has more questions for me so I know where they
came from. I am not upset with you at all so just tell me,” she pleaded with me
again.
“It’s hard to talk about,” I said not able to look at her, “It’s hard to talk
about because it’s me. It wasn’t just her saying things. It was her asking me
things about me and I…people shouldn’t know.”
“If anyone should know, needs to know it’s me. So please love, not just for her
but for you too, tell me,” she said as I allowed her to take my hand and pull
me close to her allowed her to hug me and rub my back, “You’re not in trouble.
I won’t be upset with you whatever you tell me. I swear it.”
“She asked me if that was where I was every weekend was with the guy that Da
let touch me. I said yes but that’s all I said and she asked if it felt weird
if it tickled weird. And I said it just depended. She asked if Da would ever
make her do that and I told her no. That I would do everything I could to make
sure he never did that to her. Will got mad and he said I shouldn’t promise her
that because I can’t keep it from happening to me. He used the words stick it
up our butts. And so, she asked stick what up your butts?” I answered.
“I will be having a talk with him about that,” Mum said, “Did you explain it to
her?”
“Yes, but I’m not sure if she understood,” I said, “Pat pulled her out of the
room so I could yell at Will and tell him that was not cool because now someone
had to explain it to her and I wasn’t sure how to.”
“That’s how you found out about what Da had explained to her?” Mum asked me.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Ok I will sit down with Cat and I will explain it to her ok? Explain why she
can’t ask those questions,” Mum said, “Now I have some more questions for you
love. I know you don’t want me to ask them but I need to know who this guy is
that is hurting you.”
“No,” I shook my head, “It won’t help anything so I’m not going to tell you.”
“I need to know,” she said.
“They will know I told you and things will be worse for me ok? What is there to
know? Why do I have explain? They are making me have sex with them ok? That’s
all that you need to know,” I hissed.
“Are you and Patrick having sex?” She asked me.
“What?” I asked not sure I wanted to talk about that subject either.
“Love, I was young once. I noticed your hair. You have sex hair. Are you and
Patrick having sex? Because we’ve had this discussion before that Da made you
and Patrick do things and that you really care about each other. Because of
that it’s natural to have those feelings. To be confused about things because
of what your Da has done and made you do. I think you’re a bit too young.
However, if it’s already happened I can’t exactly rewind the clock here ok? So,
are you? Or are you just fooling around?” She asked me point blank.
“If we were I don’t want to tell you because it’s weird,” I answered.
“If you were can you promise me you’re using condoms?” She asked me.
“Yes, I can promise you that if we were we would be using condoms because we
have to. Because Da…” I started choking on the words before I could get them
out but somehow, she still managed to understand, “Da he…” I shook my head, “He
doesn’t.”
“NO!” she shouted making me cringe, “When?”
“Never. He’s never used them. Not ever. Ok. I don’t know why that matters but
he never has. He just doesn’t neither does…never mind. But if we were yeah,
we’d be using condoms all right? Can we talk about something else now?” I asked
her.
“How many people are you…?” She asked me.
“I don’t know mum. I don’t keep count ok? I just close my eyes and wait until
it’s over ok? You want me to tell you all of the details? The first time I was
raped on camera it was by two guys that I don’t even know their names still ok?
There was the time in the hot tub. There was the time downstairs the first time
with Ben and Hank who you know or knew about. You knew Hank was fucking me,
right? There was the time with Da and that other guy. There was my teacher at
school, my other teacher at school. My teacher, another teacher when he was
tutoring me. I’ve done it with Cole, I’ve done it Pat, I’ve done it with
orderlies at the hospital who forced themselves on me. I’ve done it with two
guys from school. I’ve…I’m a fucking whore ok? I’m a WHORE MUM I’m A WHORE!” I
found myself screaming.
“Ok love, ok I’m sorry. I’m sorry, ok? Calm, calm…just breathe love. Oh god,
just breathe,” she said rocking me as my screams turned into tears, “That’s not
what you are baby boy. That’s not what you are at all. You’re my little boy ok?
You are not that. You are a sweet handsome young man. You’re my baby ok? You
are not anything they make you think you are or they tell you, you are ok?
Shhh…there you go.”
She rubbed my back as I cried in her arms feeling like the grossest person
ever. I heard the door open and mum talking to someone as I started to quiet
down so I could listen. I was tired. I didn’t want to do this anymore.
“Mum is he ok?” Will asked quietly.
“Would you be ok? Are you ok?” She asked him.
“No,” Will answered, “I’m sorry mum we shouldn’t have told you yet. I knew you
weren’t ready.”
“Told me what?” She asked, “About what Da was doing? I think I knew it was
real. I just didn’t want to believe it was. That’s not your fault.”
“Why is he crying?” Will asked quietly.
“I asked him stupidly how many people…who,” Mum mumbled.
“You didn’t tell her? Did you John?” I heard Will sob.
“No,” I shook my head “No. come here.” I said drying my own tears as Will came
and hugged me and mum wrapped her arms around us.
“Tell me what Will?” She asked.
I made sure I was close enough I was whispering in his ear, “I would never tell
her that. It’s not just me. That’s not just me. I wouldn’t do that without
talking to you. Ok? I’m sorry.”
“She’ll hate us,” he whimpered.
“No,” I shook my head rubbing his back, “No she won’t. She understands, I
think.”
“Understand what boys? You’re scaring me. Tell me what?” She asked.
“Da makes me sleep with everyone,” I answered, “Anyone he wants me to. If I
don’t they hurt people. I can’t let them hurt him mum. I can’t. He’s my
reasonability. If I don’t do it they will. And I can’t let them do it. Not
that. Not ever. Not when I’m right there and I can make sure they don’t.”
“Honey what are you…?” She stopped and looked at how I was holding him allowing
him to hide his face in my armpit to curl into my lap making himself as small
as he possibly could. Afraid that she would think he was sick. That we were
sick. That there was something wrong with us. That she would hate us.
“I’ll be back,” she said getting up and running from the room.
I don’t know what she did but she was gone for a while. I held him and told him
it was ok. That he was ok. I whispered to him good things. That he was a good
son and a good brother that mum could never hate him because she loved him so
much just like I loved him. That we wanted to do everything we could to protect
him, his tears breaking my heart. I had helped cause those tears, made him feel
that way about himself. Made him feel so gross that he thought our mum could
hate him.
“It’s ok,” I cooed, “It’s ok. Mum’s back. She’s back and she’ll help us. She
could never hate us. Especially not you Will, I promise. I promise mum loves
you so much wingman, so much. You don’t know. You have no idea. She would go to
mars if she thought it would help you. If she thought that was the only way to
prove she loved you. You have to know that. Please don’t be mad at yourself. We
had to. You even told me that remember? We had to, we didn’t have a choice.
They didn’t give us a choice.”
He snorted back some snort whipping his tears on the hem of his shirt, “I know
I just…I didn’t want her to know. Because now she’ll look at us different. Look
at you different. You didn’t want to. I know you didn’t want to. You looked so
scared and I was so scared and …” he started sobbing again.
“I know wingman. I know. We’re ok now though. We’re safe right now ok? It’s
just you and me and we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to ok?” I said
as he cried into my shirt. I let him cling to me tightly until his breathing
evened out his tears subsiding. When he looked up at me I smiled down at him.
“Sorry,” he said sitting up.
“Don’t be sorry. I’ve been worried. You haven’t been you lately,” I told him.
“Yeah I’ve been trying to just…accept it I guess. Be strong because I know
you’re hurting. Because you don’t want to either. I closed my eyes and
pretended it was a bad movie. It helped. At the time it helped.”
“So, you still don’t hate me?” I asked him.
“No, I can’t hate you. They would have done a lot worse if you wouldn’t have
you know? Leo said that I wasn’t like you. That I was different but he was ok
with that. That he was pretty sure if I wasn’t game for it that he wouldn’t
mind teaming up with Uncle Ben and…Uncle Ben hurts,” Will said quietly.
“Wait Leo said that to you?” I asked feeling heat creep up my neck surrounding
my head.
“Yeah. Something tells me it would have been a lot worse than Uncle Ben’s hand
right there while you…you know,” Will answered quietly.
“So, you did it because they were going to hurt you worse if I hadn’t of done
it?” I asked.
“No,” Will shook his head, “You. They were going to hurt you. He told me they
would. I mean I had to believe him right. I mean it’s Leo. He said he has sex
with you all the time. He said things that made me feel bad. Thing that I don’t
think I should tell you.”
“Things about me?” I asked swallowing and closing my eyes.
“Yeah, things you wouldn’t want people to know. Because I know I wouldn’t want
people to know those things. How Uncle Ben likes sticking his tongue in there.
The way I bite my lips trying to keep myself quiet. He told me those types of
things, about you.”
“How I make sounds and then my face goes red because I didn’t mean to? How he
always makes it so…so we’re face to face?” I asked.
“Yeah, those things.” Will answered me quietly.
“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t know that,” I answered, “He shouldn’t have told you
that.”
“I know that’s why I just told you. Those things about me. To make it even,”
Will answered, “I can tell you more if…”
“No, I don’t need to know. I don’t need to know what Da and Ben do to you,” I
answered.
“Ok,” Will said nodding his head.
“Are you tired? Because I’m like super tired,” I said.
“Pat said you had a long day earlier,” Will said, “I talked to him on his way
out.”
“Yeah it was a bad day,” I answered, “Leo he…I skipped a class so it’s my fault
really because Monday’s are his day until I’m home from school. I skipped and
so he decided to punish me.”
“Did he hurt you bad?” Will asked.
“No but you know the guy at the Villa who was touching me? But then stopped?
That’s Leo’s son and he…Leo let him…” I found myself not able to finish the
words.
“I’m sorry. Wallace has been leaving me alone mostly. He keeps giving me little
things. Like notes and stuff. He gave me extra lunch money and told me to buy
some candy. He’s been being really nice,” Will told me.
I sighed. So, Wallace was trying to groom him. Get him to let is guard down so
he could…get into his pants. When I told Wallace to back off that was not what
I had meant. I would be talking to Wallace again but right now I didn’t want
Will to know that. I didn’t want him to worry now that he had just started
acting like himself.
“Cool,” I answered, “Pat and I might get to spend some time together next
weekend. Leo just wants to see me to go out to like dinner. Otherwise he said
I’d get to stay home.”
“That’s kind of awesome,” Will said, “It’s been a while since you’ve been
around home on the weekend. Or at least home and not stuck in bed.”
“Yeah I know. I wasn’t too upset about being stuck in bed though. I mean it
wasn’t exciting or anything but I was able to actually sleep for once in my
life. At least that’s what it felt like,” I told him.
“Do you hate your bed?” He asked me.
“God yes,” I answered, “I really do because I know why he got it for me. It
doesn’t make me feel very good knowing he only got it so he could spend the
night with me when he wants to.”
“Me too,” Will agreed.
“Half the time I don’t even unmake the bed. I just like pull up the comforter.
Oh, mum walked in on Pat and me earlier,” I told him.
“Who hasn’t walked in on you and Pat doing something you’re not supposed to be
doing?” Will asked me.
“Well, when I mean walking in I mean like walking in like I was …” I made this
gesture with my hands which made Will explode with laughter, “In there.”
“I would die! I would so die! How did you react? How did she?” Will asked.
“Well we jumped apart like we were on fire to start. And then she asked Pat to
leave,” I said starting to laugh myself, “So we were…. sitting…*laughter*...
there…and Pat’s like…*laughter*... pants around his kn... *laughter*…his
knees…*laughter...looking at her like…*laughter*...like she was nuts.” I
stopped to catch my breath because I was laughing so hard, “So I asked her for
a minute so she shut the door and then Pat put his pants well, my pants back on
and left.”
“Pat didn’t tell me she walked in on that. When you say you were in there you
mean you were like…going down town right?” Will asked me.
“Oh yeah,” I nodded my head, “Yeah I was pretty… I mean we had just started but
I was into it. So was he.”
“Well, a hot guy that I wanted to be with in my room with me, his head in my
crotch. I’d be into that too,” Will commented.
“Yeah but anyway. So, mum walked in and we broke apart like we were on fire,
right? So, then he pulled the pants he was wearing back up and he left. Mum and
I talked about Cat, about Dinner a little bit and then eventually she just
asked me point blank if we were having sex,” I answered.
“What did you tell her?” Will asked.
“I said if we had been we had been safe,” I shrugged my shoulders.
“So, you didn’t say no but you didn’t say yes?” He asked.
“Right.”
“But you said you have,” Will said looking at me.
“Once. We did once. I wouldn’t say that’s actively having sex. I’d say that’s
more like we had sex,” I answered.
“Well are you ever planning on having sex again?” Will asked me.
“I just told you I was up in his space so…it will probably happen again at some
point yeah,” I answered.
“Then you should have just said yes,” Will told me.
“If I would have said yes first she would have done is told Da that’s the
worst-case scenario. Second, she would be like make sure we keep the door open.
Which she did anyway. I’m about to ask for a lock for my door so people just
quit walking in when someone has their pants down without knocking,” I said.
“Hey if you’re going to fool around in a full house sometimes someone is going
to walk in, man. If I was going to go mess around I would find somewhere else
to do it,” Will answered me.
He did have a fair point. But where else exactly would that be? I wasn’t some
type of exhibitionist. I was never going near Vic’s apartment again or Vic
himself if I could help it. Not that Pat and I were allowed to have sex anyway.
“Ok but should I really have said yes? I mean does it count as having sex if it
just happened once? Wouldn’t that be more like we had sex and less like we’re
having sex?” I asked.
“I guess. I don’t know,” Will answered me, “You didn’t really eat.”
I looked at him closely surprised he had mentioned it. I wasn’t hungry. I still
wasn’t hungry. I knew I should have been. That it was important to eat but I
didn’t see the point when all I felt like I was, was a cum bucket.
“I wasn’t hungry. I couldn’t eat that. The smell was making me sick,” I
answered.
“Well, mum is probably going to call and talk to Vic you know may---” I cut him
off.
“He’s not fucking coming near me. Not ever,” I hissed.
“Huh, ok,” Will said, “You have to eat something than you know that, right? If
you’re well you won’t have to see him at all. What did he do?” Will asked me.
“It doesn’t matter. He’s not touching me,” I answered, “It doesn’t matter ok?”
“John Vic’s a good guy. He’s our friend,” Will said.
“No, he’s not. He’s a fucking liar and I don’t want him near me, you or anyone
else you understand?” I asked him.
“John, what happened?” Will asked me again, “You don’t just…”
“He’s bad. That’s all you need to know,” I told him sternly.
“Joh--,” Will tried again.
“No! Ok no. He’s not a good person. He’s worse than all of the others, ok?
That’s all you need to know. Don’t trust him. Keep away from him,” I insisted.
“Well, mum is calling him over you realize that, right?” Will asked me.
“What? When?” I asked.
“She called him earlier after she talked with Da. So, he’s coming over or he’s
already here. I don’t know though,” Will answered me.
We heard the lift kick on and I figured it was probably mum. Hoping that Will
was wrong. That he wasn’t here because I didn’t want to see him. The thought
making my skin crawl. If he was here he would weigh me. He would want to touch
me. He would…I started shaking.
“John?” Will said pulling me back out of my thoughts, “John what’s wrong? What
happened?”
“Keep him away from…” I said as someone knocked on the door and then it opened
slowly mum standing there.
“Hi love,” she said to me, “I wanted someone to come and…”
“No mum you didn’t?” I asked.
“It’s just Dr. Palmer,” Mum said, “He just wants to come and talk to you and
me. And talk about what you told me.”
“No mum. I don’t want to see him,” I insisted.
“He just wants to do a check up and make sure you’re all right,” Mum said.
“Mum I think…” Will started.
“NO! Leave it alone! I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to talk to him. I
don’t want him touching me. I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s a prat
ok? Just leave it alone,” I said.
As I heard Vic clear his throat behind my mum. I sighed. So, he had heard all
of that? He was probably pissed at me now. And he probably figured everyone
knew. Knew what he had done to me. I didn’t want to deal with this right now.
“Huh, Will, Danielle can I talk to John alone for a minute or two?” Vic asked
to which my mum nodded gesturing for Will to leave the room. I curled myself
into a ball and mum shut the door behind them.
“Don’t,” I said.
“Hey, I’m staying right here ok? I’m not going to come any closer without your
permission,” Vic told me.
“I don’t want you here. Get out,” I hissed.
“John, I want to make sure you’re ok,” he pleaded with me.
“Well, I’m not. Get out,” I hissed again.
“You know I didn’t want that to happen, right?” He asked me, “That I didn’t…”
“You had a choice! Don’t give me that “I didn’t have a choice”. You did! You
could have said no you prom…promised me. You promised me that would never
happen again and you did it. You …no. If you cared about me you wouldn’t have!
You would have said no. You would have walked away and you didn’t. You did it
because he told you to. Because he told you. You could have said no you could
have… but you didn’t because you don’t care about me. You said you did but you
don’t. You lied,” I spat at him.
“If I would have said no, you know what they do to people labeled bottom
sympathizers? They would kill me. And then I wouldn’t be able to help anyone
you understand me? You would be stuck here,” Vic told me.
“I am stuck here. I’ve accepted that. I’m stuck here until I’m dead, ok? Don’t
give me that you would be stuck here shit. You heard what Leo said. You heard
him. I’m stuck. I’m not going anywhere,” I said.
“That’s not true. You’re strong John,” Vic told me.
“No. It is true and you know it. You know it because you know I’m different.
You know. Why else would you have argued with him?” I said.
“Because you need a break that’s why I urged with him. You need them to give
you time,” he said.
“Have you ever told them that about anyone else though?” I asked him, “Because
I’ve never heard you say that for Will, Or Pat, or Cole or hell Dom and you
know Dom needs one too.”
“I fight for all of you ok? I have to pick and choose when though. I have to be
careful so I don’t get labeled a sympathizer all right? I was fighting for you
because you’re this close to the edge and I can see it. You think I haven’t
noticed how much weight you’ve lost again just because I haven’t been weighing
you? News flash, I’ve noticed.”
“Why do you care as long as you can…”
“DON’T JOHN, don’t ok? I know what I did and I’m ashamed of it all right? Can
you tell me why Patrick called me telling me if I ever come near you again he’s
going to kick my ass? Which by the way I don’t think he’d be able to do but
that’s besides the point. Did you tell him? Because I didn’t think you’d want
anyone to know,” Vic asked me.
“Isn’t it more important to you that they don’t know?” I asked him, “Isn’t that
why you’re asking?”
“If you guys don’t trust me I can’t help you,” Vic said quietly.
“It’s kind of hard to trust you right now. Especially after you let Leo hold me
down while you stuck your…”
“Don’t talk like that. You know I think talking like that is vulgar, ‘Vic said
to me.
“It’s my body Vic. It’s my body that I’m stuck in ok? I can talk about what you
did to it using whatever language I want,” I said angry tears falling, “Don’t
you dare think you have any right to tell me how to speak. Don’t you dare think
you have any right to tell me anything!”
“Ok, all right. I’m sorry,” Vic said.
“Why? Why are you sorry? You want them to think you aren’t. You stuck your dick
up my ass. And you liked it. I know you liked. You couldn’t even look at me
when you left,” I accused.
“I couldn’t look at you when I left because I was ashamed that I had to do it,”
Vic told me, “Because I remember how bad that feels. How bad it feels to have
someone do that to you especially when you are begging them to stop, to not do
it. I had no choice John. I had no choice at all. You have to understand that.
I want to put you on the scale ok? Your mom is worried about your weight. If
you don’t get it up I’m going to have to put you in an ED treatment center.”
I sighed. Did I want to leave? No, I really didn’t. I didn’t want to be away
from home because that meant no one was going to be there to protect everyone
else. But if I did leave then would I be going to place where they were in
charge or would I be somewhere away from them?
From Leo and Hank and Da and anyone else who wanted my body. If I was away from
them I would get a break. A real break and not a weekend with just going out to
dinner and someone feeling me up under the table while I tried to choke down
food I didn’t want. I could go somewhere where I would be safe for a little
while. Where I wouldn’t have to worry about someone climbing into bed with me
or being forced to share a bed with Leo as he…as he made me feels those things
when I didn’t want to feel them.
“Would it be the same hospital as before?” I asked.
“No, no this place would specialize in eating disorders. It would watch you
medically while you worked on relearning how to eat the way you’re supposed to.
The way that will allow your body and mind to heal. Why are you asking?” Vic
asked me.
“I want to go,” I answered him.
“You do?” he asked me.
“Yes, I want to go. I want to be away for a while. And when I come back I don’t
want you to be my doctor anymore,” I said.
“It’s either me or Dr. Huntz. And Dr. Huntz will put his finger up your ass at
every physical you have if not something else. You have to understand that. Ok,
you have to understand that that’s why I don’t want you seeing him. Because
where as I had to because I didn’t have a choice in it and I won’t ever do that
to you in my office he would.” Vic told me.
“He hasn’t done it yet though,” I answered.
“No but he will. Trust me he will. Can I ask you something about Rich?” Vic
asked me.
“What?” I asked not wanting to think about him, about that.
“Well, I’m not trying to scare you but I’ve heard rumors about him from other
boys. That he is made for recruit track. Has he ever cornered you of his own
latitude?” Vic asked me.
“Why?” I asked quietly.
“Because it says something about his character that he would target you without
being pushed into it. It tells me that he has a type. Quiet, submissive,
overwhelmed. Has he?”
“The bathroom at school,” I answered, “I don’t know why that matters.”
“It allows me to warn others against him,” he answered, “Just like I warn
people about Chad. Are you ok?”
“Just looking at you I can feel you all over my skin. So, no. I’m very much not
ok right now,” I barely managed to whisper, “I want Pat.”
“How is that going to help you right now?” He asked me.
“He won’t hurt me,” I answered, “He’d never hurt me. He’d never put his tongue
on me there because I’ve told him I don’t want him to. Not like you.”
“I’m sorry,” Vic said quietly.
“I didn’t want it you know?” I asked him.
“I know,” he said nodding his head.
“They do that to me a lot. That’s worse than anything else you know?” I said to
him.
“You’ve never told me that,” he said.
“All the time. It’s one of his favorite things. He says it means that…that I
love him.” I started sniffling, “I don’t love him like that. I don’t it’s
wrong.”
“Who?” Vic asked me.
“Da. Cat knows you know? We had to explain stuff to her, sex and when I said
when two people love each other she said you mean like how Daddy loves you. She
said that, how Daddy loves you. Not how Daddy loves Mummy but how Daddy loves
you. That’s not…that’s not ok. I don’t know. I don’t know how to stop it.” I
said a loud sob escaping me before I clapped my hand over my mouth.
Mum came bursting in, “Vic?” She asked him.
“We’re just talking he’s. He’s not doing very well,” Vic answered. He still
hadn’t moved from beside the door knowing that I would probably flip out on him
if he did. Knowing what he had done to me earlier and how badly he had hurt me.
How he had betrayed me.
“Oh love,” Mum said coming over and hugging me, “Hush now it’s all right.
You’re all right. Did he tell you anything about earlier Vic?”
“Not really,” Vic answered and I’m sure his eyes were on the ground.
I hadn’t told my mum about that and I wasn’t going to. Of course, he wouldn’t
say anything about it. He didn’t want anyone to know because he didn’t want to
look bad. That and how would you say that someone exactly. “Well you know how I
said I was good guy who would try to protect you and your children? Well, in
order to do that I had to suck your oldest son off your 13-year-old son I’m so
sorry? Oh yeah I stuck my dick up his ass too and it was so tight I kept saying
“oh shit” as I came inside of him.”
“Did he say anything about anything?” She asked him as I hugged her burying my
head in her chest listening to her heart beat hammering slightly against her
chest.
“I told him that he needs to get his weight up and if he doesn’t I will be
sending him to an eating disorder treatment center. He said he wants to go. I
think it’s because like I have pointed out to certain people that he needs a
break. Because boys that go through this a lot of them cut themselves,” Vic
said.
“You’ve been cutting yourself? Hurting yourself?” Mum asked me.
“He has,” Vic said, “I got a call the weekend before thanksgiving break. He had
cut a deep laceration into his thigh. It was too late for stitches but it was
significant. He’s not doing well at all.”
“And here I thought you were doing ok. I was going to talk about somethings
especially after what had happened with Cat. Which Vic could you take a look at
her before you leave?” Mum asked him.
“What for?” He asked.
“I want you to check her intimate areas. I want to know if he’s gone farther
than she’s saying he has,” Mum said.
“Connor, you mean?” Vic asked.
“Yes, he’s been preforming cunnilingus on her apparently,” Mum said.
“I’ll take a look at her yes. I still need to get John’s weight. He still has a
scale in his bathroom?” He asked mum.
“Yes, he does,” she said, “If you would…” she said untangling me from her arms.
“Mum don’t…” I started to ask.
“Love, I need you to do this for me. If I see those numbers I’m afraid of what
they’ll say ok? So, I need you to trust Vic won’t hurt you. Can you be strong
for me and do that while I go check on your sister? She’s distraught. I left
her with Will. She’s thinks she’s bad because she told you,” Mum said.
“I’ll go talk to her,” I said standing up.
“No, you take care of yourself first young man. I need you to go into that
bathroom and get on that scale,” she told me, “Please love.”
I nodded my head. I wasn’t sure I could trust Vic but mum thought that we
could. I felt myself starting to shake just thinking about being alone in a
room with him. He was going to touch me I just knew he was.
We stepped into the bathroom. Me holding my breath waiting to feel his hand on
my back or waiting for him to push me up against the wall his hands pulling my
shirt over my head. Something bad, anything bad.
“You won’t touch me, right?” I asked shakily.
“No. Just take off your clothes down to your boxers and step on the scale
backwards. I won’t touch you,” he told me.
“I’m not wearing any,” I said.
“ok, sweat pants than,” he said as I pulled my shirt off.
I did as I was told. He set the scale on the bathroom floor. Him sighing
heavily when he looked at the number. Not telling me what it was or giving me
any indication as to what it might be only that it wasn’t ideal, “If this gets
any lower you’re going straight in. I will call Echoson and tell them to expect
you after the holiday if you get any worse. I need you start gaining weight
though. If you lose any I can’t wait that long ok? You’re in bad shape. This
isn’t good. I need you to start drinking the boost. Every meal whether you eat
the food or not you need to drink it ok?” Vic asked me and I nodded my head.
“Do you think he’s going to come tonight?” I asked Vic.
“Your Da? No, I think he’s busy with your mom. I think you’ll be ok tonight,”
Vic told me, “Why are you worried about him?”
“Because he’s just like Leo,” I answered, “he…he thinks he’s being nice but
he’s not.”
“Have you told your mom about Leo?” He asked me.
“She keeps asking me but I won’t tell her. It won’t help anything so there’s no
point. Why?” I asked.
“Just curious,” Vic answered.
“I’m tired of talking about it. It feels like it’s all I ever talk about
because I’m either with one of them or someone wants to know what’s wrong. I’m
tired of it. Pat and Cole and Dom are the only people I hang out with that
don’t seem to want to talk about it,” I said.
“What about your little brothers and sisters?” Vic asked.
“Those of them that are old enough to kind of understand constantly have
questions about it. Probably because they can’t wrap their head around why Da
wants to touch them there and why it feels funny and why he does it if it’s not
ok for him to do so…it’s all I ever talk about and I’m tired of it. I want to
be somewhere with someone that doesn’t know so I don’t have to talk about it
anymore,” I explained.
“Well, I’m sorry about that. I have to go and check on your little sister
so…you can put your shirt back on,” Vic said, “I’m sorry again. I know you
don’t want to hear it and you don’t want to be near me but I am your doctor and
unless you want things to get worse for you I suggest you stay with me and not
go to Huntz ok?”
“Ok. I’ll try and get over it but I…” He cut me off.
“No don’t get over it. I don’t want you to forgive me for it. Stay upset with
me if that’s going to help you ok? However, I don’t know how I’ll smooth things
over with Pat if you do but I’ll figure it out,” Vic said.
“Will you tell me if he …if he did it to her?” I asked thinking about Cat. My
little firefly and how much pain she was in. How badly she felt. I would rather
she be mad at me for telling mum than mad at herself because she had done
nothing wrong. The only person who had done anything wrong under the
circumstances had been Da.
“I probably won’t but I’ll tell your mom you would like to know,” Vic said,
“it’s a patient thing. I have to keep certain things private.”
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “I’m worried about what it will do to her. Will
she end up like James? Like Will?”
“What do you mean?” Vic asked me.
“They go quiet,” I told Vic, “For days after. They seem ok now but, I don’t
know. Sometimes I worry about it.”
“I can understand why that would worry you but sometimes people go quiet so
they can process things. You might not realize it but I think that’s something
they get from you. A lot of the time you’ll be silent or you’ll nod or shake
your head instead of talking,” Vic told me.
“I hate hearing myself sometimes,” I answered, “I hate the sound of my voice.”
“Why?” Vic asked me, “You sound normal for a kid your age. I mean it’s starting
to shift. To crack, the pitch is getting lower but that’s all normal. So, I
don’t why you hate your voice. There isn’t anything wrong with it. Some people
might even think it’s…oh.”
I nodded my head. They constantly told me they liked the sounds I made when I
couldn’t keep myself silent anymore. When I would whimper and whine and moan
and mewl. It made me feel self-conscious. He had caught that probably from the
look on my face as he was speaking.
“They say those things to make you feel bad not because they are true,” Vic
told me.
“But it is, isn’t it? That I feel good. That I…that I taste good?” I asked.
“I’m not going to answer that question because knowing the answer to that won’t
help you. You understand? Those types of questions I don’t answer when anyone
asks because it in my personal experience it makes things worse and there is no
right way to answer them,” Vic told me, “I’m going to go now. I’ll check on
your sister and tell your mum that you would like to know how she is. I suggest
you get some sleep.”
“Ok,” I said nodding my head.
I took another shower. I was tired but I wanted to feel as clean as possible.
To get Vic off my skin again, out of my head. I sighed when I climbed out
realizing I had forgotten a towel standing there letting myself drip dry in my
shower stall as I waited before I heard someone moving around my room.
“Mum?” I called out loud enough for the person to hear me through the door,
“Mum could you grab me a towel?”
I sighed waiting for some type of answer before the door opened. My uncles face
beyond delighted as I jumped 10 feet in the air grabbing the shower curtain and
wrapping it around myself. My heart pounding against my rib cage my eyes
burning. He wasn’t going to. I couldn’t. Not again. Not tonight I couldn’t.
Fuck no.
“Get out,” I hissed.
“I got you a towel Johnny,” he said holding it out to me.
“Get out,” I warned again.
“I won’t hurt you. I’ve just missed you that’s all,” he said.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Well, your brother was busy,” he taunted.
“Which one?” I hissed.
“Fair enough but do you really want an answer to that question?” He asked me
smiling.
“Leave Will alone,” I hissed.
“Good guess. Why did you think it was him?” He asked me.
“Because he’s getting sick. I remember what it was like dealing with both of
you at once. I’m not that stupid,” I answered.
“So, what? You’d rather I go visit someone else? All I want is a kiss,” he said
coming closer making me back up not letting go of the shower curtain.
“So, you would then? You want me to go mess with the twins? They can be fun.
You should see what Mikey can do. It’s really hot actually,” Ben threatened.
“No don’t,” I answered, “Just a kiss?”
“Just a kiss,” he said.
I sighed and gulped grabbing the towel from his hands and stepping out of the
tub wrapping it around my waist before he grabbed me a little roughly by the
neck. His index fingers pressing on each side of my jaw as he kissed me roughly
for a minute. Just kissing. But only for a minute before I felt his hands
starting to wonder down my back grabbing at the towel that I fought to held on
to as his tongue moved from my mouth to my neck.
“No, you said just a kiss,” I reminded him.
“I didn’t say where, or for how long,” he told me.
“No,” I said trying to push him away as he started walking into the wall behind
me, “NO! I SAID NO!”
Just then mum opened my bedroom door her eyes wide as Uncle Ben leaned into me
bumping his head against the wall above my shoulder swearing. God damn it this
was embarrassing. She had never walked in on anything happening to me before.
Not since that time with Da. This wasn’t fair. She shouldn’t have to see this.
“Ben get away from him,” she said.
“And what are you going to do to make me?” He asked her.
“Go Lorena Bobbitt on your ass tonight while your sleeping unless you get your
hands off of him now,” Mum hissed.
At the time being only 13 I didn’t really understand the refence since I was
young when that had been national news. Now I understand it and I can
appreciate it. We all know the story I’m sure. It was probably one of the most
graphic threats my mum ever made in front of me and looking back I think it was
very touching. That it showed just how far she was willing to go to protect us.
That if she couldn’t do anything else to get us away from them she would at
least try to castrate them so they couldn’t hurt us anymore.
“Fine,” he said letting me go putting his hands up in front of him as he turned
around looking at her me still clutching the towel hard against my body.
“Go,” she said simply pointing out of the room like he was a dog.
“Goodnight Johnny,” he said, “Danielle.” He pushed roughly past her and she
watched him walk down the hall. I watched her from where I was still against
the wall in the bathroom trying to catch my breath.
“Are you ok?” She asked me.
“Yeah mum. I’m fine,” I mumbled coming out of the bathroom and starting to look
for clean clothes.
“What did he do to you?” She asked me.
“Nothing,” I answered.
“No, you tell me and you tell me now. What did he just do?” She hissed
startling me.
“He kissed me ok? He shoved his tongue in my mouth and he kissed me,” I
answered, “Does knowing that make you happy?”
“John, don’t do this right now. Please don’t do this,” she said referring to my
attitude, “I’m tired. I have a little girl who is upset because she doesn’t
understand why Daddy would do that to her or to her brothers. So please don’t
get mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you mum. I’m mad at myself, ok?” I answered grabbing underwear
out of my underwear drawer and looking at her, “Can I get dressed alone or are
you that afraid he’s going to come back?”
“John, don’t,” she reminded me.
“I wasn’t trying to give you snark. I was just asking because I need to put
clothes on. I’m naked under here and I would rather you not see me nude,” I
replied.
“John, I hate to break it to you honey but I’ve seen you naked before. I used
to change your diapers. I’ve seen just about every penis in this house,” she
said.
“Well, I can understand that’s true. I would rather you not see mine just this
second though. So, could you please at least shut the door and turn around so I
can put my pajamas on?” I asked her.
“Ok,” she said nodding her head and shutting the door before she turned to
stare at it, “Vic said you wanted to know how Cat is?”
“Yeah, I would like to know,” I answered.
“She’s confused. And upset like I said. He hasn’t taken it any farther
apparently because her hymen is intact. So, she’s still a virgin,” Mum
answered, “She’s worried about you.”
“Me?” I asked, “Why is she worried about me?”
“Apparently you and Pat told her that because guys don’t have vaginas when
someone wants to do that to them they stick it in their butt and that it hurts
badly. So, she’s worried about your butt is what she told me,” Mum answered.
“Oh,” I replied, “Well I can explain to her that it doesn’t hurt after they are
done every time if you would like me to.”
I pulled my boxers up my legs quickly and found a pair of pajama pants in my
bottom drawer grabbing them and pulling those on to before I opened the drawer
I needed to so I could grab a shirt.
“No,” she said shaking her head, “That’s all right. That’s my job not yours.”
“Ok,” I said, “You can turn around now.”
“So, she’s worried about my butt?” I asked mum who smiled sadly at the notion
and nodded her head, “Not just yours. I don’t think but, yes. She made it very
clear she was very concerned.”
“Well tell her that my butt is ok I guess,” I told mum.
What else was I supposed to tell her to let Cat know? That my butt was used to
it? That it hurt but only briefly because I was a whore? That my butt was just
tired of having things shoved into it?
“Is it ok?” She asked me suddenly making me balk at her.
“Huh…mum I’m not talking about that with you,” I answered.
“John I’m your mother. I used to change the diaper on that too,” she pointed
out.
“Well, yeah they are in the same vicinity,” I replied, “That doesn’t mean I
want to discuss my anal health with you though.”
“Are you ok though? Do I need to have Vic…”?
“No mum, really. If there was something wrong that someone needed to look at I
would tell you. I hardly ever bleed anymore ok? Just let it go like seriously,”
I told her.
“Ok,” she said nodding her head, “Do I need to worry about anyone else?”
“Check on Mike and Matt,” I told her, “Their small enough that at that age
sometimes you bleed for days. So just…ask them if they’re ok.”
“Why wouldn’t they be ok?” She asked me her eyes going wide with worry.
“Mum, do you not remember?” I asked her.
“Remember what?” She asked me.
“Thursday. Thursday was thanksgiving and Da had a bunch of people over, right?”
I asked her.
I looked at her closely her eyes fogging with confusion. Whatever they had her
on it had her in and out of lucidity. Knowing one second what was going on and
the next seeming clueless as to what was happening. I sighed wishing Pat was
there, that I wasn’t the one explaining that those men had been there to rape
us after she had gone to sleep for the evening. That those people weren’t good
people.
“Yes, I remember,” she said, “What about it? Surely you’re not telling me
Lionel is like that?”
I didn’t say anything and she frowned. I wasn’t sure I could let her know that.
She liked Lionel. I don’t know why she did still. That brain washing must have
worked because she found him interesting and charming and helpful. When after
they drugged her during the holidays he was taking her kids down into her
husband’s sex dungeon some of her youngest sons and doing unspeakable things to
them. Hurting them in ways they shouldn’t be hurt, that no one should be hurt.
“Mum, Da doesn’t hang out with anyone who isn’t like that as far as I know,” I
answered.
“Is that why you won’t tell me who is hurting you? Because it’s someone I
know?” She asked me.
“It doesn’t matter. If I tell you or not it’s not going to stop. Da wants it
that way and he always gets what he wants. You know that. You knowing who it is
won’t stop it from happening. So, there isn’t any point in me giving you a
name. You can’t keep him away from me. You’ll just get yourself hit and drugged
up worse than you are and I’ll…it won’t end up good ok?” I said twitching
slightly as I thought of what Leo had done last time he had gotten super mad at
me. The sounding and vibrator at the same time before allowing Hank to join us
in the bedroom.
“I talked to Vic and he’s going to work on getting us out again. However, you
need to be careful who you talk to. I’m thinking we’ll stay away from Montana.
That we might even leave and go back home,” she said to me.
“Mum, we can’t,” I told her shaking my head.
“Yes, we can and we will,” she answered me, “I’m not going to keep us trapped
here. I’m going to do everything I can to get us out of this shit situation. In
the mean time I need you to…,” She paused grabbing my hand making sure I was
paying attention. Making sure I was looking in her eyes said, “I need you to do
me a favor.”
“What?” I asked.
What type of favor would she need from me that I wasn’t already giving her? I
helped with the babies, I did well in school. I made sure I helped Alice and
Debbie take care of the house and what not. I had no social life because all of
my free time was spent with the babies if I wasn’t with Da and his sick friends
or Leo other than Monday and Thursday afternoons with Pat and Cole if Cole
wanted to come.
“Well you’re Da is getting more…aggressive in his pursuits of everyone. Not
just Cat but everyone from what I understand and your uncle Ben too so …could
you try to draw their attention a bit more? I know that’s unfair and I hate
asking you that but do you think that if you see either of them talking to
anyone being…that way with anyone you could…distract them?” She asked me.
“Mum are you asking me to…?” I had to close my eyes.
HOW DARE SHE? So now I was just a whore to her too? Pretty soon that’s how Pat
and everyone else would see me as well if that’s all she saw. What exactly did
she expect me to do to draw their attention that I wasn’t already doing? Walk
around naked?
“What exactly do you want me to do? Walk around naked?” I hissed at her.
“I didn’t mean it like that exactly. I just meant keep their attention,” she
said.
“How mum? How do you expect me to do that? Like I don’t already do everything I
can to make sure they are leaving them alone? Like I haven’t spent my whole
life doing that? What about you? Why don’t you try and keep Da’s attention?” I
asked her.
“I think that question is one you shouldn’t be asking and I do,” she told me.
“Really? So, it’s ok for you to ask me if I’m putting out but not for me to ask
you?” I hissed, “Nice.”
“Don’t say putting out. It’s not the same,” she said.
“Really? Tell that to him mum, tell that to him,” I said shaking my head, “You
know what he …”
“What he what love?” She asked me.
“Nothing mum,” I said shaking my head.
“No tell me, please?” She begged.
“He doesn’t see me as his son. Ok? He doesn’t see me that way. He sees me as, I
don’t know but it’s not as his son ok? He makes me have sex with him all the
time, in this bed right here. He brought this for him. So, he could spend the
night with me when he wants to. I fucking hate this bed. Mum you and I in his
mind we’re equals ok? We both…”
“Don’t say that. It’s not true. You’re his son. He loves you like a son. He’s
just confused,” she insisted.
“No mum. He’s not confused. He told me he had wished that he had someone like
me when he was my age. That he would have preferred…he once told me that you
were work and I was play. That I’m fun while you’re…duty,” I told her.
“When did he say that?” She asked me.
“I don’t know. A while ago,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.
By then I was completely numb. I had to be. If I hadn’t been I would have run
into my bathroom and thrown up before downing all the mouth wash and then
running down stairs and downing all the alcohol in the house. Admitting what I
knew what mum knew somewhere deep down and didn’t want to admit was hard.
“If you didn’t know that was true you wouldn’t have asked me to sleep with them
to get them to leave everyone else alone,” I said not able to look at her.
“I’m telling you I didn’t…”
“You did. You know somewhere deep down you did. I’ll do it ok? I’ll keep doing
but, admit it. Admit it that you know that’s what he thinks of me mum and that
he shouldn’t,” I said.
“Since I walked in on you two standing the hallway last year. After I came here
from home. I’d never seen him look at anyone like that but, but me,” she said
barely above a whisper.
“Everyone knows mum,” I said, “Will, Mike, Matt, James even Cat knows. And I
don’t know how to explain it or why he…because he shouldn’t and I don’t,” I
said.
“I know love. I know. He’s sick ok? He’s very sick. I don’t know what to do
anymore. Other than get us all away, far away where he can’t find us,” she
said.
“We’ve already tired that. Maybe if you leave…”
“No. I would never leave you. Not ever. Don’t even think that,” she said
forcefully, “You’re my baby. My first baby and I would never leave you here.”
“It would be the only way to make sure he left everyone else alone. Was if he
had me,” I said.
“I don’t think that’s true. I think he would still look for us even if you
stayed,” Mum said, “I’m sorry I asked that of you. I don’t know what I was
thinking.”
“That one is better than all of us suffering and I agree. I try you know? I do,
I just…you don’t know what it’s like mum. All of them. They keep me so tired
all the time,” I told her.
“Who are they, love? Please tell me,” She asked again.
“Well you know about Da and Ben and Hank. But everyone da invited to
thanksgiving. Lionel too but Lionel usually leaves me alone he’s into younger
guys,” I said her face paling and her hand covering her mouth as she nodded for
me to continue, “Arthur usually leaves me alone too because apparently, I
behave the way they want me to. He like to punish people and they don’t let him
punish you if you haven’t done anything wrong.”
“And my Dr.?” She asked me.
I shrugged my shoulders. What did she want me to say? Yeah mum Leo’s fucking
me? No, he’s more interested in Will? What?
“I don’t know what to say,” I answered.
“Is he one of them?” She asked me.
“I won’t lie about it. If that’s what you’re wondering,” I answered.
“So, he is?” She asked me.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Is he the one who…?” She started to ask.
“I told you. I’m not telling you who that is,” I replied.
“How does that work anyway?” She asked me.
“While the kids Da and the person who is interested in the kid sit down and
they put together this like thing with rules that they have written down and
they both sign it. Hence contract and they are called Contract holders. Say
like Hank wanted to buy a painting. Da says ok you can have my painting but you
can’t hang it in your bathroom and you can only look at it on Tuesdays and
Thursdays. The rest of the week it’s my painting still, I’ll keep it in my
house and if you want to visit it on those days you have to wear gloves and
goggles and can only view it between 1 and 5 o’clock.” I told her, “it’s kind
of like that a little bit. And then Da would be like if you agree to this you
pay me 50,000 dollars and this will be the arrangement for one year or
whatever.”
“So, it’s like a co-ownership type of thing only with children instead of
paintings?” She asked me.
“Yeah pretty much,” I said, “Money isn’t always exchanged from what I
understand but in most cases, it is.”
“So, you’re Da sold you to whomever it is you don’t want to tell me about?” She
asked me.
“I haven’t asked but I’m pretty sure,” I answered her, “I don’t think it
matters either way. Da is in charge so I have to do what he says.”
“I’m sorry I did this to you. To all of you. I can’t believe I did this to you.
How could I have been so…careless? The moment he let your uncle touch you I
should have taken you guys and left. I should have gone to my parents and
stayed there. Forget about what he was doing, by the time he was doing it too
it was too late. When Ben started I should have left. I was still so young
though, so stupid. I was 24 with five little boys and little girl on the way
and I know that’s no excuse and I’m so sorry,” she said.
“Mum I know you’re sorry,” I said, “It’s ok.”
“No, it’s not. And what I asked you just then that’s not ok either, John I’m
sorry,” she said.
“What if we went somewhere off grid? Like South America or Africa somewhere?” I
asked her, “Do you think that would work?”
“I don’t know,” Mum answered, “Last time I could have gone anywhere but I heard
the plains was a good place. It was quiet and still rural enough he might not
find us. Cost of living was cheap and things would be manageable with help. And
we got by, didn’t we?”
“Barely,” I told her, “If it weren’t for the free summer day camp program you
know we wouldn’t have. Not with the babies too. You were always working or
sleeping and Will and I were overwhelmed once school got out. Heather was
helpful there and Jason.”
“Have you talked to her since you left? Emailed her? Anything?” Mum asked me.
“No, last thing I said to her was … I told her why we left. What Da did to me.
That was the last time I heard from her.” I said.
“That’s a shame. She was a sweet girl,” Mum said.
“Yeah well, she probably didn’t think that much of me once she found out what
I’d done,” I sighed, “Mum I’m tired. Can I go to sleep?”
“What did you do?” She asked me.
“Nothing,” I sighed, “I’m really tired. Please?”
“Sure, I love you,” she said giving me a kiss on the cheek, “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” I said as she turned off the light and shut my bedroom door.
I cried myself to sleep. I had a dream. A strange dream. It was a picture of
us, our family and then it started to bleed. The blood was dark and thick and
menacing gathering at a point under the picture on the wall. A whisper started.
Slight at first.
Voices I couldn’t make out saying something but as the spot on the wall
blossomed growing thicker and bigger the voices got louder until they were
screaming filling every space entirely. The spot where the blood was collecting
pulsing to life beating almost like a heart. Blood, more blood spraying
everywhere with each scream and each beat “LIES!” it shrieked. LIES!!
I woke up in a cold sweat. I felt dizzy and really sick everything feeling like
it had a dark red tint. I didn’t move. Just curled into a ball because even
though I felt sick. I thought the world was going to melt around me if I moved.
That I was going to faint. I reached my hand out and noticed how badly it was
shaking as I lifted the water bottle from the night stand and to my lips taking
a big drink wishing it was an alcoholic one.
I don’t remember falling back to sleep. Only waking up to my alarm. My head
pounding, the water bottle up against my side under the covers. I really didn’t
feel good and couldn’t even begin to guess what it was from.
I showered allowing the water to make me as clean as it could. Knowing that it
wasn’t clean enough. When I got dressed I went out to the kitchen and Alice set
a fruit salad a hardboiled egg and a can of boost in front of me and I sighed
and rolled my eyes at her.
“Doctors orders and your mama’s. Now eat it all,” she warned me.
“I’m not hungry,” I told her right before my stomach grumbled.
“I’m not paid to hear I’m not hungry. Now, show an example for them babies we
all look after and eat some breakfast,” she said to which I popped the top on
the boost and took a sip, “Better. Now I want it all gone.”
“Yes ma’am,” I answered quietly.
I drank all the boost. The chalky vanilla taste filling up my gut to an
uncomfortable level and managed to eat my egg as well but the rest of it I left
untouched. I immediately wanted it gone. Wanted it out of my stomach. The
feeling of the food digesting weighing me down, making me feel heavy. Making it
hard to sit still because if I sat still I could feel it sitting there, feel my
stomach churning making me want to get it up.
I didn’t stick around for anything once I had my book bag over my shoulder
walking to the corner to the bus stop moving back and forth hopping from one
foot to the next looking around for a spot. It wasn’t something I had ever done
outside before or somewhere I might get caught but I had to. I had to find a
place anyplace to get it gone because it was making me sick. Just knowing it
was in there was making me sick.
I spotted the neighbors gate open and went back there bending over in the
corner of their backyard and sticking my fingers down my throat spewing some of
it but not all. Just enough that it gave me some relief. Enough relief that I
could stand being in my skin for the moment. I sighed standing up and going
over to the bus stop to find Pat and Cole standing there looking around for me.
“Hey,” Pat said giving me a weird look, “What were you doing back there?”
“Nothing, just thought I saw something weird so I went to go check it out,” I
answered.
“You don’t look so good,” Cole commented, “Are you feeling ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be fine why?” I asked.
“You look really clammy like maybe you’re sick. Were you throwing up?” He asked
me, “Because if you are you should go home.”
Pat looked at me his eyes going wide, “You weren’t, were you?”
“No babe, no,” I said trying to keep my tell from showing. Trying to keep him
from knowing, from worrying.
“What happened yesterday anyway?” Cole asked me.
“What do you mean?” I asked confused.
“I was upset when I came home,” Pat explained, “He asked me what was wrong and
I told him he had to ask you. And then I made a phone call…. that he
overheard.”
“Oh,” I sighed, “Do I have to explain Cole?”
“Well, I’m worried,” Cole said, “You know I care about you. And Pat is like my
brother so whatever is going on I wish you would tell me.”
“Leo,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.
“I doubt Pat would call Leo and tell him he was going to fucking kill him. Or
Dick for that matter. So, who was that phone call to?”
“I’m not…I can’t. I know you’re asking because you care but I can’t right now
ok? Can you understand that?” I asked.
“Ok,” Cole said, “I hope at some point when you feel you can talk about it,
you’ll tell me what it is.”
“I will I promise. There’s just a lot going on right now. A lot happened after
Pat left and I just…I’m trying to work it out in my head.”
“Like what?” Pat asked me.
“Well, mum and I had a long talk about somethings,” I answered.
“About what?” Cole asked.
“Da,” I answered.
“Oh, well isn’t that a talk you guys kind of needed to have? Have needed to
have for a while?” Cole asked me.
“We talked about a little back in Montana. What he did to our relationship.
Mine and mum’s and but, that’s really all we had talked about it until last
night.” I said, “We talked about well first she said some stuff that I don’t
know. And then she took it back and I told her to admit it. Admit what she said
and that she said it because she knows he would rather…yeah.”
“Be with you than with her?” Cole asked to clarify and I nodded my head, “Did
she?”
“She told me the exact moment she knew. That it was after we came back. She saw
the look on his face when he looked at me and she knew,” I answered.
“Are you ready to deal with this assembly talking about how to stay holy during
the holidays?” Cole asked me as the bus pulled up.
We walked down the aisle towards the back of the bus. I sighed. What was it
they could tell me that we help keep me “on the path” to god? None of it made
any sense and when did God ever do anything for me?
“What exactly do they expect us to do? Forsake our lord and savior Satan? I
can’t do that,” Cole laughed.
“How can they expect you to be more holy John? You’re already on your knees all
the time,” Dick said over hearing our conversation.
“No, I believe that’s you,” Pat spat, “Go sit somewhere else.”
“What? Didn’t have fun yesterday?” Dick asked me.
“Dick could you please just…” Cole started.
“Well, I was going to but apparently someone likes talking…so maybe I shouldn’t
until he learns to shut his mouth.”
“He didn’t say anything about yesterday. You just did you dipshit,” Pat hissed.
“You didn’t? That embarrassed by me?” Dick taunted.
“Stop it,” I barely muttered.
“I do believe you said that yesterday too,” Dick said, “A lot actually.”
“Dick, you need to stop. That’s not coming from Pat or John that’s coming from
me. You need to knock the fuck off right now because you might think you’re
funny but you’re really fucking not,” Cole warned.
“Fine, whatever,” Dick said surprising me and turning around in his seat.
I couldn’t figure out why he would taunt me and harass me but the moment Cole
said something about it he would shut up. It wasn’t the first time Dick had
responded to Cole that way but I still didn’t understand it any better than I
had before.
“I think it’s mostly going to be about drunk driving during the holidays or
something equally normal but boring,” Cole said.
“Maybe,” Pat answered, “Probably. Do you know where Dom is?”
“Probably home, sick” I answered, “I have no clue but he misses a lot of
school. So, it’s not surprising that he would be.”
“Yeah, he’s home sick all right,” Dick replied without turning around to look
at us.
“What does that mean?” Pat asked him.
“Nothing, you’ll see,” Dick teased.
“What do you know that we don’t?” Cole asked all of us feeling confused.
“Does it really matter at this point?” Dick said.
“Huh, yeah. He’s our friend if you know something you should tell us,” Pat
said.
“What will you do for me if I do?” He asked looking at me making me shift
uncomfortably.
“You’re not talking to him. You’re talking to me,” Pat told him, “Now let us
know what’s up.”
“You’ll find out. I promise,” Dick said as the bus pulled into the depo.
Headmaster Watson was standing there. That was weird. We all knew he was
brotherhood but we hardly ever saw him unless we got into serious trouble at
school. That was basically never unless you were Cole who tended to be
hyperactive and had no problem telling people he was fabulously gay at a
catholic all boys school or you liked to throw punches like some of the other
guys for no reason.
“Kingly, Gable, Swartzman and McGregor I need you all to get on bus number four
you’re going on the field trip,” he said looking at us.
“What?” Pat asked confused.
“Huh oh,” Dick said, “Someone got in trouble.”
“What?” I asked confused.
“Get on the bus,” Watson said not really answering anyone’s questions just
pointing at the bus. Pat lead the way sighing heavily grabbing Cole’s hand and
squeezing it. I didn’t know what was happening, what was going on.
I felt my chest tighten as I got on the bus looking at everyone around us.
Alec, Chad, Brodric, Wallace, Alex and a couple others I didn’t know the names
of. Something big was happening. All of us together on a bus? Something bad had
to be happening.
***** 45 *****
Chapter Summary
     John gets on a bus that feels like it's heading to hell where he
     learns more about what's going on before he is confronted by someone
     from his past while Dick and Chad continue to bully him as well as
     Dom. He learns about the color system and gets into a very scary
     situation.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 947 to 975. Warnings: Rape/non-con, bullying, mental health
     issues
“What’s going on?” I asked Pat quietly.
“A tenure,” Pat said, “Don’t talk. Just sit and do what you’re told.”
I had never heard Pat talk to me like that. Not ever. This was dead serious.
Someone had gotten in trouble or the bowl had been filled with names. The names
of bottoms who had somehow committed some type of offense against the
brotherhood. I sat down in a seat not too far from Pat and Cole as Tosh and a
couple others I didn’t know the names of got onto the bus. Once everyone that
he was waiting for was on the bus the door closed behind him and he sighed.
“Ok I don’t want to hear any talking. If I hear anyone speaking over the music
than I am going to add a slip with your name on it to the bowl,” he hissed as
he turned on the radio and someone tapped on the bus window. It was Father
McClairen.
“I got someone to cover for me,” he said as Watson opened the door for him and
he climbed on.
“Ok you get to make sure everyone is quiet,” he said, “Don’t be mean.”
“I won’t I promise. We’re coming back for the younger ones after this right?”
He asked as Watson turned on the radio and the rest of the conversation was
drowned out by an Elvis song.
“What’s going to happen?” I asked.
“They are going to pull the bowl to the front of the ball room once everyone is
there. That will be this evening though. Right now, we just kind of have to go
there and…it’ll be like a party. It’ll be bad,” Pat said quietly.
“Will I have a sponsor?” I asked remembering my last party. How they had forced
me to do those horrible things. How I hated every second of it.
“They don’t do sponsors for tenures,” Pat answered. “If you’re lucky you’ll get
a bedroom. You probably will you’re untouchable so…but most threes and twos and
ones we’ll be out in the open doing whatever. Just try and go away in your head
ok? That’s all we can do. They’ll be mostly gentle but there’s going to be a
lot of people there. A lot of guys there. So just keep your distance from like
Chad and Dick and all of those guys because no one is paying attention to them.
They’re going to be too busy.
“You think that’s where Dom is?” I asked.
“Oh, I know that’s where Dom is,” Pat sighed, “I think he’s probably fine. I
don’t think he would do anything to get himself into trouble bad enough to end
up in the bowl more than a handful of times. I mean he’s fine other than the
obvious that’s apparent though.”
“I can’t do this,” I said shaking my head, “I can’t do this.”
“We have to. The morning there will be like no one in the holding room pretty
much if they are grabbing us in shifts. It means that in about an hour or two
Will is going to be on his way and then Mike, Matt and James. So that should be
fun. However, James might not be pulled because most in his age group aren’t
branded and mostly they like taking only us so…,”
“So, this is like everyone?” I asked, “Ones to five? Everyone all age groups?”
“Yeah that’s what happens. Each age group has its own holding room though, so
you don’t really have to worry too much about crowding. I hate these ones it’s
hard. All the screaming from the younger kids. It’s hard to listen to,” Pat
told me.
“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean,” I said quietly as Gus walked down the bus
aisle towards us.
I felt my air catch. I didn’t want him near me. I wasn’t ready for any of this,
not yet. Not on a bus full of people and I couldn’t watch him do it to Pat
either. This was bad. But he just eyed us whispering quietly to each other Pat
in the seat in front of me his face turned towards me and then Dick followed
him down the aisle and sat next to me.
“What are you doing?” Pat asked him.
“Protecting an asset,” Dick said cocking his head towards me, “My Dad doesn’t
pay to have his investments mean nothing.”
“Shut up,” I said.
“Really? You just told me to shut up? I could always shove your face in my lap
if you like. They wouldn’t stop me. Or I could do that same to you. Either way
you’d be the one shutting up real fast,” he taunted.
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head as Pat said the same thing only more
forcefully, surer of himself.
Pat was always surer of himself. Surer of what he wanted to say where I got
tongue tied constantly. That’s why very often I didn’t speak unless it was to
beg and plead for them to stop. Because I knew if they asked me questioned or
tried to talk to me I’d get nervous, and I felt like I didn’t make sense. I
felt like nothing made sense very often.
“Neither one of you could stop me if I wanted to. I do have permission from my
Dad. I could…” He put his hand on my inner thigh uncomfortably close to my
crotch.
“Stop,” I told him grabbing his hand trying to pull it off me.
“Why should I? Neither one of you can stop me. You’re mine. I could have you
suck my cock right here and neither one of them nor anyone else on this bus
would stop me. Not anyone because they don’t want their names to end up in that
bowl another time before the drawing,” Dick said.
“No,” I shook my head, “Get off me.”
“Would you stop me Pat? Would you risk dying for him?” He asked Pat pushing me
back so hard my head hit the window. The feeling of the impact vibrating
through my skull as my hand went to brace the back of my head and he somehow
managed to practically climb into my lap.
“Rich leave me alone,” I begged his hands on my neck as he managed to tower
over me straddling my waist his weight supported by his knees on either side of
my body.
“Just relax. It’ll be fun. Everyone can watch. It’ll be a little show.”
“No,” I begged trying to push him away as Pat closed his eyes clenching his
fist.
Pat couldn’t do anything to help me. He knew he couldn’t and I knew he
couldn’t. The only thing we could do was make sure we didn’t shout over the
music or really draw attention to ourselves. Which meant I had to keep quiet.
To not push back too hard. To not draw attention, to not ask for help. I had to
let him do whatever it was he wanted to me in order to keep my name out of a
bowl that could mean I was going to get tortured probably to death.
“No,” I begged again as he kissed my cheek and then my neck, “Rich stop, please
stop. Please.”
I pushed at him as hard as I could people starting to take notice but no one
saying anything. No one helping me. He was going to rape me on the bus and no
one was going to stop him. No one was going to help me.
“Come on it’s just a game. Just to see how long it takes before someone does
something,” Dick hissed in my ear as he nibbled on my ear lobe.
“Stop it,” I pleaded as I pushed at him. Every push felt like it was making him
heavier against my body, pushing me down more like bricks on my chest.
“But it’s so fun to hear you whine,” he said smiling down at me as I continued
to struggle, to push at him. My hand on his face trying to keep it away from me
which only caused him to grab my arms and pin them to my sides, “I wouldn’t if
I were you. You struggle to hard you’ll get someone’s attention and we wouldn’t
want that would we?”
Just than someone cleared their throat and we looked up to see Gus staring down
at us. His arms crossed, an annoyed look on his face, “I don’t care if he’s
your Dad’s or not Rich. You need to wait until we get to the villa ok? You
can’t just grab any cock you feel like anytime you want. It doesn’t work like
that. There are cars that we’re riding past who can see what you are doing
through that window so keep your hands to yourself? Understand?”
“Sorry sir,” Rich said getting off me allowing me to breathe again. He left the
seat moving to a different seat near Chad and his group of friends who chatted
quietly amongst themselves.
“You ok?” Gus asked me.
“Thank you, Father,” I said not looking up at him. Ashamed and afraid to see
the look in his eyes. The look that would tell me he had wanted Rich to keep
going or had wanted to trade places with him.
“No problem. Just behave and be quite ok?” He said to me. I nodded my head in
response.
Everyone was still watching me, their eyes asking me questions. Why didn’t I
fight back? What did I do to draw his attention? Did I talk to him? Did I look
at him? Why would I be so stupid?
Pat turned a looked at me, “Are you ok? Did he hurt you? Did he…?”
“Just kissed me a little, felt me up,” I answered in barely a whisper.
“I’m sorry I looked away. I just couldn’t…I couldn’t watch that. And I couldn’t
stop it so I just…,” I cut him off.
“No, I get it,” I answered, “It’s ok. I’m ok really.”
“Come sit with me?” He asked me as Cole decided to scoot over as well giving me
room in their seat which I moved to.
“Did everyone see that?” I asked him.
“Well, yeah. I think,” Pat said, “No one will say anything about it though. I
promise. We’ve all been there. Every one of us. I can point out some of the
guys you don’t really know. It might help putting some names to the stares.”
“Ok,” I answered quietly.
I wasn’t sure it would help at all. Knowing who had watched Dick feel me up.
His hands all over my clothes as I tried to push him away. To get him to stop
as I begged him to stop. I didn’t want to know all their names. at least, not
really but I needed something else to think about other than where we were
heading.
“Cool,” Pat slipped his hand into mine squeezing it causing me to sigh in
relief, “Ok that guy across from us with the blond hair his name is Heath he’s
15 and he’s sitting next to Terry who is 16. I don’t really talk to them but
you know, whatever. I’ve known them since I was like 6 or so. Behind them is
Tao and Keith they are both 17 and they tend to hang out with only each other.
Obviously, you know Chad and the guy next to him with the brown hair is Reid
and he’s an asshole he’s like 17 as well. Then you know Wallace behind them and
no one wants to hang around him. Two seats away from us is Brodric which you
know him Alec is beside him and then you have Steven and Claudio. The guy in
the back is Clive. Him and Claud are twins in case you couldn’t tell and in the
seat across from him is Corbin. And next to Corbin is Jack. Behind Jack who you
probably can’t really see is Chen and next to Chen is one of the Murphy
triplets. They are all kind of the same really you have Marco, Mason and Myles.
After them is the other Alec who I think you’ve had some classes with.
“Marco Murphy?” I asked raising an eyebrow, “That poor guy.”
“It’s no worse than Mason Murphy or Myles Murphy,” Pat said.
“True,” I answered.
“Yeah that’s everyone though. Everyone here is a 3 and up. You, Wallace and
Dick are the only fives. Everyone else is around a four I think maybe one or
two twos,” Pat said.
“Dom’s a two,” I told him.
“Yeah I know. Twos are adopted. Threes are in a lower income bracket like huh I
guess everyone at school would consider them scholarship kids.” Pat said.
“Are the twos going to be there and ones?” I asked.
“Yeah. If they are doing a draw, yeah. Most of them are already there though. I
can promise you. That’s why Dom isn’t here. Most of the twos are homeschooled
and most of the ones don’t…” I cut Pat off.
“Go to school anyway? I know. I was in the hospital with mostly ones. They all
hated me pretty much. Besides Adam,” I answered.
“Well to be honest some of them probably wanted to fuck you and were mad they
couldn’t. The others think you probably had it better than they do but then
again they only ever see the webcam pointed at them and not the website they
are posted on because they don’t have computer access,” Cole piped up letting
us know he was listening.
“There was this one guy named Eric who…he said some not so nice things
sometimes. One minute it was I hate you because you have it so easy and then I
can show you what it’s like for us. Mix Chocolate with Vanilla. It was…I didn’t
like it.” I answered.
“Oh,” Cole made a face, “That doesn’t sound appealing at all. I don’t think he
was talking about Ice cream.”
“He wasn’t,” I answered.
“You never told me that,” Pat said squeezing my hand.
“There wasn’t any point,” I answered, “I think he just did it to freak me out.
To upset me because you know it wasn’t like I was there because…because of
them. We were all there because of them.”
“I wish I could stop this from happening,” Pat said quietly.
“Do you think they’ll let him? You know…?” I asked quietly.
“You mean Dick? I have no idea why?” Pat asked me.
“I think Dick has the hots for him,” Cole muttered.
“Cole would you please? I don’t think you’re helping make him less nervous,”
Pat said.
“Him less nervous what about me? You know how long it’s been since I’ve had my
ass used by 20 guys in one day?” Cole scoffed.
“20?” I asked feeling numbness wash over me so I didn’t panic.
“It’s not going to be that many and not all at once or all in a row,” Pat said
shooting Cole a dirty look on his other side.
“I’ve never…not like that,” I said.
“It was a bit of an exaggeration,” Cole admitted, “Sorry. I’m just trying to…I
don’t know. I wish I wasn’t going to the Villa. I hate that place. I don’t know
it’s scary, all right? I’m just cracking jokes because I’m nervous even if they
are horrible ones. I’m not trying to scare you John. I’m sorry.”
“I’m less scared of your jokes and more scared of what’s going to happen to me,
to my brothers,” I said.
“Why? Because of Wallace or just in general?” Cole asked.
“Both I guess. Wallace told me he’s not into forcing people to do things with
him but that he finds Will to be…appealing. That and Dick and those guys don’t
like him because he’s not into being rough. I told him I thought he was sick
and that he needed help and that Will would never say yes to that. Not ever and
he won’t. I know he wouldn’t,” I said.
“Speaking of Will how is he doing?” Cole asked me.
“He’s huh, he’s all right I think. He says that he doesn’t have a problem with
me. That he’s ok that when…god I hate talking about this,” I sighed.
“It’s ok you don’t have to. I just wanted to know if he was ok. I mean I’ve
been hanging out with Tosh a lot lately so I haven’t really talked to him in a
while. Not since things have changed.”
“Wallace scares the shit out of him,” I mentioned.
“Well Wallace scares the shit of me and he doesn’t corner me in bathrooms,”
Cole murmured looking back at Wallace who was snoring in his own seat his
glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. His mouth open, his chin resting
on his chest making it look like he had no neck.
“Have you like ever been cornered in the bathroom? It’s not pleasant,” I told
Cole.
“I haven’t,” Cole said, “And I hope that I never do get cornered in the
bathroom. Not like that anyway. I mean things happen in bathrooms all the time
but, you know…” Cole said looking forward smiling like an idiot in Tosh’s
direction.
“Is that why you two aren’t sitting together?” Pat asked, “Because you’re
having issues keeping your hands to yourself?”
“Today I am, yes,” Cole admitted, “He thought it would be a better idea to sit
apart and try to just stay away from each other for right now. I think that
would probably be a good idea for you two as well.”
“We will once we get there,” Pat said, “You can switch me with Will. Tosh and I
will keep Will company and you can hang out with John and Dom.”
“That is if they keep us all in the same holding Cell. Will might be in a
different one you know? He is 11 so he’s not quite what they consider a teen
but he’s not really a kid either. It all depends on how they want to split the
groups,” Cole told Pat.
“I’d rather have him in a different room then. I don’t want to have to worry
about some of the older guys that are here doing stuff to him. I don’t trust
them. I don’t trust them with me let alone any of them,” I said looking back at
Chad and Dick who had gone quiet.
“They won’t get too nasty. This is mostly just about other stuff,” Cole said.
“Other stuff?” I asked.
What did he mean by other stuff? Other stuff didn’t sound good. Other stuff
sounded bad. It sounded super bad it sounded like what Dick wanted to do with
me, what my Da enjoyed doing and Leo. Other stuff didn’t sound painful in a
physical way but more painful than I could handle.
“Hey, Rabbit it’s ok. I’m right here and you’re ok,” Pat said.
“What?” I asked feeling numb.
“You’re shaking. What do you think Cole meant by other stuff?” Pat asked me
quietly.
“You know…just stuff,” I said.
“That stuff that you don’t like?” Pat asked me.
I nodded my head. I hated that stuff. I hated it so much it made my skin crawl
made me wish I was dead. And here I was sitting on a bus heading towards that.
Heading towards so many hands all over my body, tongues on my skin, mouths on
my…I couldn’t deal with that I couldn’t.
“Huh, shit,” Cole muttered, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant like it
was about handlers not really trackers. Not like super weird stuff that they do
sometimes.”
“You shouldn’t lie,” Someone said spinning around and then moving from two
seats in front of us to the seat directly in front of us, “Just be honest about
it.”
“He’s panicking Heath. He doesn’t need to hear about it,” Pat said.
“He needs to know what he’s in for. They are going to tie you down to a table
or bed and they are going to suck your dick until it’s bruised and shove their
fingers up your ass until you can’t speak anymore because they keep hitting
against your prostate. Then one or two of them will probably bury their face in
your asshole and then fuck you. So yeah, it’s all about sex. But most of it is
about making you scream and then punishing you if you say no or tell them to
stop. You’re better off if you put duct tape over your own mouth so you can’t
speak,” Heath said his eyes never leaving my face.
“John, listen to me. It’s ok all right? You’re going to be ok,” Pat said
firmly.
“I don’t…” I tried to speak but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words out. I
didn’t like it when they did those things because they hurt me in ways I
couldn’t explain. They made me hate myself.
“Hey, I know you don’t ok? I know. Remember it’s me. I know and I swear to you
I will be right there with you when we’re in the holding room if you need me
ok? Dom is going to be there and Cole. We’re all going to be there. Just try
not to think about it yet. Try to think about something else,” Pat cooed to me
quietly.
I could already feel them on my skin. I could hear one of them barking the
orders at me to take off my clothes and another one pushing me backwards onto
the bed and climbing on top of me. Telling me I was perfect, that I felt good.
That my skin tasted good. I could feel them doing things I didn’t want and hear
them saying things I didn’t want. I needed air. I needed to get away, to go
somewhere I could breathe but I couldn’t. I was on a bus on the way to hell and
there was no escape.
“Woah, whoa calm down, calm down….” I heard suddenly before I realized I was in
a different seat by myself Gus behind me talking to me my head out the window
as I took deep gulps of air rushing by.
I pulled my head back in and sat down only then realizing how hard my chest was
heaving. How hard it was to breathe as my heart pounded against my chest like
someone trying to break down a locked door. Everyone staring at me. Some of the
other guys whispering to each other and smiling as if it were the funniest
thing in the world.
“Just relax,” Gus said still standing beside me. Half way in the seat with me,
half way in the aisle.
“I don’t feel very good,” I stammered.
“I can see that. You need to just breathe. You’re going to be fine,” Gus
prompted me.
“How did I get over here?” I asked starting to cry a little bit, “I don’t
remember.”
“You walked over here. Are you feeling confused?” He asked me.
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want to be here. I know I don’t
want to be here. I don’t want to do anything like that. Don’t make me please.”
I begged looking at him.
“Can you tell me what your name is?” Gus asked me.
“My full name?” I asked.
“Yes, your full name,” Gus answered nodding his head.
“Johnathan Martin Patrick Christopher McGregor,” I answered.
“Ok, do you know what day it is?” Gus asked.
“Tuesday,” I answered.
“And the date?”
“I-I-I’m not sure.”
“Ok that’s all right. Do you know who the president is?” He asked me.
“Bill Clinton,” I answered.
“Do you know where you are?” He asked.
“A school bus.”
“Do you know what’s happening?”
“I’m going to…I don’t want to go there. Don’t make me do that. Please, don’t
make me do that.”
“Ok, listen. You don’t have to do anything, John ok? You don’t have to do
anything. Just calm down. Everything is ok. Just calm down,” Gus said quietly.
“Ok,” I nodded my head closing my eyes, “You promise?”
“I promise,” Gus said.
“Ok,” I said nodding my head starting to feel myself calm down, “Ok.”
“Good, how about you go sit with your friends again, all right? Just relax.
Don’t worry about it ok?” He coaxed.
“Ok,” I told him walking over and sitting back down next to Pat.
“What was that?” Pat asked me.
“I don’t know. I just felt like I needed air, like nothing made sense. And I
can’t get off the bus so I just…I don’t know,” I said.
“You’re ok though?” Pat asked.
“Yeah I just…I don’t know.”
“We’re not going to be there anytime soon. You should probably just lay back
and try to nap. It might make you feel a little better,” Pat told me.
“No,” I said, “I know he’s lying but. I don’t know. I hope he’s not. Is that
weird?”
“Technically he’s not lying. All you have to do really is lay there,” Heath
muttered.
“Heath shut up. Dear lord man you’re not going to help telling him that. He
already knows that ok? He’s just having trouble processing it. He has anxiety
about it ok? Just like the rest of us,” Pat said.
“Yeah well, the rest of us have it just as bad so I don’t know why he’s so
fucking special,” Heath said.
“Yeah and we’ve been doing it longer then he has. He just got here last year
remember? How old were you Heath the first time someone other than your Dad put
their hands on you? Three? Four? John hasn’t had that. The first time someone
outside of his family touched him he was 12 ok? So, shut the fuck up. Quit
being so angry with the fact he’s freaking out. This is his 3rd or 4th time at
the Villa ok?” Pat hissed.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know…” Heath started to say but Pat cut him off.
“Yeah well you didn’t bother to ask now did you? And it’s not like we all talk
about it. It’s not something anyone likes talking about. Shut up and leave him
alone, quit making it worse,” Pat said.
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here please,” I said quietly.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t meaning to,” Pat told me.
“I know it’s just people say stuff about me when I’m right there that they
shouldn’t talk about. So, I just kind of don’t like it,” I told him.
“I was just explaining it to him,” Pat said.
“I know. I was four you know? Or three. I don’t remember Da told me. He told me
in front of everyone all of them. Leo, Your dad, Art, the leader everyone.”
“I’m sorry,” Pat said, “I was young I think. It didn’t get worse until mom
walked away though.”
“I’m tired,” I sighed. Not wanting to talk about the topic anymore. Not wanting
to think about where we were all heading. To that damn prison that was
basically a gilded cage.
“Just lay your head on my shoulder and close your eyes. Try to fall asleep,”
Pat told me.
“But won’t we…?” Pat broke me off.
“Get in trouble? No. not for that. Not as long as my arm isn’t around you.
We’ll be fine. They won’t think anything of it,” Pat told me, “Just lay your
head down? Ok?”
“Ok,” I said sighing as I laid my head on his shoulder and he went quiet.
I didn’t really fall asleep but listened to the music around me with my eyes
closed. At some point Gus made an announcement and everyone that wasn’t
sleeping had to put a bag over their head. I kept my eyes closed not wanting
them to know I was awake. The bags over the head meant we were 20 minutes out.
That in 20 minutes every boy on this bus was going to stripped naked and raped.
It took everything in my being to keep my eyes closed. Because if I opened my
eyes they would know I was awake and then I wouldn’t have the option of opening
my eyes to see anything, I would have my sight stolen from me.
When the bus came to a stop Gus told everyone they could remove the coverings
from their faces and Pat tapped me on the shoulder, “It’s ok now you can move.”
“You knew I wasn’t sleeping?” I whispered back.
“Yeah, your breathing wasn’t deep enough. You’ve fallen asleep on me enough
times for me to be able to tell the difference between calm John and I’m
sleeping John,” Pat told me, “We’ll be ok. Just try and check out and you’ll be
fine I promise.”
“Easy for you to say. You’ve done this a million times,” I reminded him.
“Not a million but enough. We’ll get some breaks. Don’t worry about it,” he
told me.
“Ok everyone single file please. I would like the oldest at the front once we
get off the bus and youngest at the back. So, find your age group and stick
with it. Recruits the ones and twos are already here don’t bother anyone that’s
above that. Once we get into the foyer I want clothes off and keep your hands
to yourselves,” Gus said as we stepped off the bus.
I was at the back of the line like literally the very last person in line still
only being 13 even if my birthday was less than two weeks away. Once we were
ushered forward into the very crowded foyer everyone started undressing some
older guys that were already naked coming through with bags for us to put our
uniforms in.
“Well hi Five,” I heard a voice say as someone bumped into me from behind as I
loosened my tie.
“Eric,” I huffed back, “You can’t touch me here.”
Eric smiled and laughed, “Unless someone tells me I can. What was his name
again? Dr. Swartzman right?”
“Shut up,” Pat said turning to look at Eric who towered over him.
“You a fiver too?” Eric sneered.
“Not exactly but he’s my best friend. So, keep your mouth shut and your hands
away from him,” Pat hissed.
“I’m just here for his clothes. Here’s your bag. Write your name on it and make
sure all of your clothes end up in it,” Eric said shoving the bag in my face as
I finally got my tie off.
“Thanks,” I hissed as he walked away.
“He was the kid you were talking about earlier, about the hospital stuff?” He
asked me.
“Yeah, meet Eric,” I answered.
“Charming fucker. Just like Dick,” Pat muttered.
“Yes, I always manage to find the assholes. Don’t I?” I asked.
“I think they find you. I don’t think you’re actively looking. Which would mean
you are not finding them. You just have bad luck with people who make horrible
jokes and apparently find something about you interesting in all the wrong
ways,” Pat commented.
“Yeah, thanks,” I said pulling my sweater vest off and putting it in the bag
with my tie as I started undoing my dress shirt.
I looked up at Pat to notice that he was already naked from the waist up and
wondered how he managed to do that so quickly and without me noticing. His skin
had a luminescent glow about it making me feel a little tight in places that I
didn’t want people noticing. Pat looked at me and noticed me staring as he
undid his belt and cleared his throat with a smile on his face.
“We need to be apart today then?” He asked me.
“I…huh fuck,” I said shaking my head as I started to remember where we were.
What was actually happening.
“Yes, that’s right someone is going to…”
“Gentlemen hurry up please. No more talking,” Someone said loudly at the front
of the foyer to which everyone sped up their pace.
It was a voice I knew well but I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want
to think about how they were all here. How they might do that thing to me
again. That thing that I told Leo I didn’t like that I couldn’t deal with.
“Need help?” Gus asked stopping in front of me as I looked around noticing my
shirt was only half way unbuttoned my wife beater still on underneath it while
everyone else was either in the process of taking off their pants or completely
nude already.
“No, he’s fine,” Pat said not looking up at Gus.
“I’m just going to help,” Gus said grabbing the hem of my shirt to pull me
closer making me tense up. My shoulders coming up against my neck to protect
the skin there from any unwanted lips or tongue.
“Gus,” Pat said putting a hand on Gus’s shoulder before he kissed him lightly
on the cheek, “Not now, please?”
“Oh, I see. You know different rules for the Villa dear,” he said quietly,
“There will be plenty of attention for you later ok?”
“But, I mean…please?” Pat tried again caressing Gus’s arm lightly trying to
pull his attention away from me.
“Later I swear,” Gus said, “I just want to help him out that’s all. He’s
running slow.
“I’ve got it,” I said hurrying to undo my shirt my fingers fumbling over the
buttons out of nervousness and fear. I didn’t want him to touch me. Especially
not here where I was sandwiched in with a bunch of other guys who could hear
and see everything that was happening.
I managed to get my shirts off in record time faster than I had ever removed
them before. Gus’s hands going to my belt before I could shove my shirts into
my bag him undoing my buckle as I squirmed. No not here. Not here, not right
now, not here. I shook my head feeling the heat rise in my face making sure I
didn’t say a damn word because it would get me into trouble as Pat watched his
eyes wet as he looked away his hands covering his nakedness hiding it from
everyone.
“It’s ok, you probably need to go to the prep room first ok? Just relax,” Gus
said to me as he took my belt off and put it in the bag and I undid my pants
kicking them off before he could touch me again. Taking off my socks and shoes
at the same time and pulling my underwear off making me feel beyond exposed
using my hands to hide myself like everyone else was doing because I didn’t
want these guys to see me naked more than they had to.
“Is everyone ready?” Lionel asked from the front of the room.
“Yeah seems like it,” Gus answered from beside me.
“Ok line up oldest to youngest. If I tell you to go to the prep room, just go.
Or since you’re all older in this case as I see from looking around just about
everyone needs to go to the prep room. If I call your name you can skip the
prep ok?”
Gus went to stand by the leader and they inspect each guy down the line first
checking their face and torso for any signs of hair and then making them lift
their arms and checking their arm pits and groin areas. Lovely I thought.
That’s just awesome. Like it’s not bad enough just being in that place where I
barely have hair they want me to get rid of it? Are you fucking kidding me?
Don’t normal guys have body hair? Why couldn’t one thing about this stupid
fucking cult just be normal? Boy fucking wasn’t enough for them they had to
fuck hairless boys? What the fuck?
“Chen, you can skip prep,” The leader said nodding his head approvingly and the
walked to the next guy.
He walked down the whole line until he got to me and looked at me and smiled,
“Hi beautiful.”
“Yeah, he’s still a little soft, isn’t he?” Gus commented.
“Yeah, that’s not a bad thing though. Is it sweetheart?” Lionel said grabbing
my chin is his hands looking at my face, “His face is smooth, and his chest,”
His ran his hand down my pecs to my belly button feeling for hair there that
wasn’t supposed to be there. And I closed my eyes trying to keep my breathing
calm. My hands starting to shake. I didn’t like him touching me. Not any of
them and not the guy who raped my little brothers. Who probably said similar
things to them when no one was listening or no one cared to do anything to stop
it.
“That’s it sweetie nice and calm, right? Can you lift up your arms for me?” He
asked me to which I tried to back away and Gus grabbed me holding me in place.
I didn’t want to show him that especially when I was in a room with at least
four people who wanted to see it. Who wanted to do things to me. I didn’t have
any hair there so why did it matter. He saw me five days ago. He knew I didn’t
have any hair there. He might not have been in the room when my blindfold went
on but it wasn’t like I was clothed before they blindfolded me.
“Arms up John come on,” Gus said looking at me, “Don’t make me pull them away
for you because I might accidentally hurt you and that’s not how you want this
day to start trust me.”
I looked at Pat who gave me a slow nod barely moving his eyes in my direction.
I still didn’t want this but he had a point. Here was not a place to fight.
Here was a place to submit. This wasn’t something I should fight them on and
everyone else was naked too so it didn’t really matter that much at all right?
I should just do it and get it over with.
I sighed and lifted up my arms letting myself go to which the leader looked
closely at my armpits, “There’s a little bit but not enough that we should
worry about I don’t think. Waxing it or shaving it would just cause the skin to
blister and that won’t do us any good today. So just leave it you think Gus?”
“Yeah I’d say so and he doesn’t have any hair anywhere else yet. Not even a
little bit if you…,” Gus took his hand and slid it over my ball sac feeling for
the soft fuzz that was going to start growing there at any time my eyes going
wide in surprise as he felt me up and Gus shot me a cocky grin.
“Oh, he likes that huh sweetheart?” Lionel said taking my other ball in his
hand and messaging it gently as I bit my mouth closed making sure I didn’t say
anything. Trying to find a spot above their heads to stare at as the heat
flooded my face my eyes started to sting.
“Good job,” The leader said as him and Gus removed their hands, “John you can
skip prep. Everyone else head off to the prep room and we’ll take John and Chen
to the holding room I guess.”
“Ok boys if you’ll follow me,” Gus said to everyone else as Lionel grabbed my
hand.
I didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t want him anywhere near me. He was going
to rape me. He was going to rape me and then rape my brothers and there was
nothing I could do to stop it from happening. Especially not then not in that
moment. I had to deal with it and I hated it and it was all my fault that this
was happening.
“Ok Chen, John come on,” he said pulling my arm forcing me to walk forward
slowly where he led us into the holding room. The holding room where we waited
until they strapped us to a table or someone wanted to use us. Where we stayed
while we were on breaks not having our bodies used. I went up to an empty cot
and grabbed a blanket wrapping it around myself so I didn’t have to be naked.
That had been beyond humiliating. Having to stand there while they…because at
that point he wasn’t just about hair and everyone in the room had known that.
“Hey, are you ok man?” I heard a familiar voice ask me as I looked up to find a
blanket clad waist in front of me.
I just nodded my head trying to breathe. I didn’t want to talk about that.
Dom’s feet and ankles the only thing visible if I bothered to look down at his
feet.
“What happened? Just nervous because we’re here or…?” Dom trailed off and I
shook my head in response.
“You don’t usually go this quiet unless something is wrong. I mean you’re not a
huge talker but come on man. You can talk to me. You can tell me anything. I
won’t tell anyone you know that,” Dom said sitting down on the cot next to me.
“He called me sweetheart,” I said quietly pulling my blanket tighter around
myself like it could shield me from the words. From my own thoughts and
memories.
“Who?” Dom asked confused.
“The leader,” I said barely moving my lips.
“So why is that a big deal? I mean we get called pet names all the time. It’s
not that big of a thing,” Dom said.
“He did it in front of everyone. He grabbed my junk and I just…I froze,” I
answered numbly.
“Well you’re lucky you froze and didn’t push him away or try to get out of his
grip because he doesn’t mess around. Especially not with guest here from other
chapters. Which are here today so if you end up with someone you don’t
know…that’s why,” Dom told me, “What about everything else? Did you talk to Pat
about some stuff?”
“Not really. Maybe a little bit I guess. But it’s you know…last night wasn’t
good. Today’s not good either. I’m having more bad days lately than good ones.”
I said.
“What happened yesterday?” He asked me.
“I skipped class. I skipped class and I shouldn’t have. I told you I shouldn’t
have so it’s my own fault. It’s …it’s my own fault.” I muttered.
“Whatever happened isn’t your fault. Whoever did whatever they did, you didn’t
ask for that. You didn’t want that and that’s not a punishment anyone deserves.
You know that. Somewhere in your head you know that John, ok? Don’t let them
start warping your brain now. Come on man. Don’t do this to yourself,” Dom
said.
“If I wouldn’t have skipped it wouldn’t have happened. None of it. Not Leo. Not
Dick not …not Vic. None of it. I would have been fine yesterday if I hadn’t of
skipped. If I had behaved myself everything would have been fine yesterday,” I
said quietly.
“What? Vic? Are you kidding me?! What…fuck! Oh, geeze fuck!” Dom said his voice
rising, “Fuck no. Fuck. Did you tell him off? What the fuck did you do about
it? Please tell me you handed him his ass.”
“I told him to stay away from me,” I answered, “That I don’t want him to be my
doctor anymore. He told me that it was either him or Huntz and Huntz has a
thing for actually hurting us. Because he likes to and Vic claims he hates
hurting us.”
“That doesn’t mean you should have to see Vic though. I mean I don’t know what
he did and I don’t think it matters because anything is more than he said he
would ever do. I’m pretty sure on that. He has no right to tell you what
doctors you can choose from tell your mom. Tell her why you don’t want him to
be your doctor anymore. That he crossed a line.”
“I can’t. If I do she’ll try and get us out on her own. It won’t ever work. Not
that it’s going to work anyway but with Vic last time we were gone for a little
while. I was almost normal. Things were almost ok,” I said, “So it’s better to
just…”
“Just what John? Keep your mouth shut and wait for him to do it again? And then
say he’s sorry again? Because I know he probably said he was sorry and you know
he probably doesn’t mean it. That it’s his way of saving his own skin. If they
ask him to he will do it again whatever it was he did. They never mean anything
they say unless they’re talking about…those things. You shouldn’t ever trust
any of them. Not ever. Not even Vic,” Dom hissed at me careful to keep his
voice down.
“I don’t,” I answered him, “I can’t trust anyone. I know I can’t trust anyone.
I trust you and Pat and Cole and my brothers but otherwise, I can’t even trust
my mum. Dom, she just admitted to me last night that she knows how Da thinks of
me. That he…in his eyes her and I are equal. That we’re both his…he thinks I’m
his boyfriend. That I’m someone he can just…and she knows and she’s known for a
while and she keeps …she asked me to draw his attention away from everyone
else. She asked me to let him…”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe that being something I hadn’t told anyone yet.
That I wasn’t planning on ever telling anyone. That she hated me and she knew I
was just a slut bag because that’s what I really was. That’s how she saw me
because I couldn’t have any secrets from her. That she would rather they use me
as a cum bucket than anyone else because I was the one they seemed to want.
Because everyone else was a surrogate of some kind for when I wasn’t able to
meet their needs for whatever reason.
“Oh no,” Dom said, “That’s sick. I’m so so sorry. She has no right to ask that
of you. No one does. It’s your body and your stuck in it. She has no right to
force you to make that choice. Especially when it’s one you don’t want to
make.”
“I make it all the time already so I don’t know why it matters to me so much
that she asked. I just feel like maybe she doesn’t think I do it enough? I try
you know? I really do I try to all the time so they don’t have to. And I hate
it. I hate it so much. I hate the fact that whatever I do it isn’t good enough
to make them leave everyone else alone. Nothing is ever enough because I’m such
a fucking failure at life. Dom, what…how do I fix it?” I asked starting to
panic.
“Hey! HEY! John listen to me ok? This is not your fault. You didn’t do
anything. You didn’t do anything to deserve any of this. None of us did. Ok?
You think I deserve this? You think I deserved to be adopted by two guys who
enjoy giving it up the ass to little boys?” He asked me to which I shook my
head, “Then why do you think you do? Why do you think that’s something that you
deserve to have happen to you? You don’t, ok? None of us do. And you can’t fix
this because there is nothing for you to fix. It’s on them to fix, not you.
It’s on them to change,” Dom told me.
The door opened loudly causing me to jump and everyone in the room to look
towards the door. A few of the people I had come on the bus filed into the room
and the door shut behind them one of them being Wallace and other two being
Dick and Chad.
“Oh, fucking great,” Dom said pulling his blanket tighter around himself trying
to hide the fact that he was there because they picked on him. They were
allowed to pick on him.
“Hi John, Dominic,” Dick said in a sing song way threateningly.
“You can’t touch me,” I reminded him.
“No, I can touch him thought. If I want that is. I might just touch him to
torture you though. And he can’t say no. Can you Dom?” Dick said smiling down
at us.
“I’m supposed to be getting my break,” Dom said quietly looking at his lap
pulling himself in trying to make himself as small as possible.
“Well it’s my break now,” Dick said reaching down as I smacked his hand away.
“Don’t touch him,” I said, “And you have to listen to me. I said back off so
you back off.”
“Well do you see any handlers around Johnny boy?” Chad said coming up to us,
“We don’t have to listen to shit you say. I could hold you down for Rich right
now if I wanted and you wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing about it besides
scream. You want to play with the big boys? We can play.”
“Wh-what does that mean?” I asked finally realizing they were right. No
handlers meant they didn’t have to follow the rules because they knew I wasn’t
stupid enough to say anything. To say that one of them had forced me without
permission from my handler because we would both get in trouble.
“Are you kidding me? He’s a five,” Dom said.
“Would you mind Chad?” Dick asked as Chad bent down and pulled me up by my
hair.
God no please, please no. I grabbed his hand as he pulled the hair on my scalp
taunt forcing me to my feet. Why did Dick have to have a thing for me? Why
couldn’t he just leave me alone?
“We’re going to fuck you so hard you’ll be begging to go on duty,” Chad hissed
in my ear before he pushed me into Dicks chest who grabbed me, squeezing me.
I swallowed refusing to cry in front of them. Refusing to beg. I didn’t want
this. I didn’t want them to touch me feeling Dick’s naked body grinding against
the back of mine his hands sliding down my sides.
“Hi baby,” Dick cooed into my ear from behind, “You ready for some fun?”
“I-I’m n-n,” I tried my face turning red as I realized I couldn’t speak because
he was pressing against me too hard. Because I was too scared and I couldn’t
breathe. I struggled against him trying to pull away. Pulling desperately at
his arms, scratching at him.
“He’s already panting and you haven’t even done anything fun,” Chad commented.
“Guys leave him alone. Come on, leave us alone. We have a lot to deal with
today,” Dom said quietly, “Please?”
“Why should we? Aren’t we allowed to have fun?” Chad asked him.
“Yeah but, I mean they don’t…with you anymore. Not as much. Not like us.
Please?” Dom begged.
“Have you ever fucked him?” Chad asked Dom an evil smile spreading across his
face.
“What?” Dom asked.
Dick just kept kissing on the back of my neck, biting. His hands pinching at my
hips and thighs as I moved trying to keep him from grabbing my more sensitive
areas. Struggling against his hold. The effort tiring me out, knowing that no
one would help me. That I was lucky Dom was even saying anything.
“You haven’t, have you?” Chad asked, “He’s good. You should taste him.”
“No,” Dom shook his head.
“You can’t say no. Come here,” Chad said and Dom’s eyes widened nervously.
“Come on,” Dick said and I could hear the amusement in his voice, “He won’t
hurt you. I’ll hold him still. All you have to do is get on your knees and I’m
sure you’re used to that.”
“If I don’t?” He asked them.
“Well, you can do it and save him some pain or we’ll double him. Personally,
I’m hoping you’ll say no,” Chad said.
“DON’T!” I said fighting harder. Dick squeezing me almost squeezing me hard
enough I couldn’t move air through my body.
Dom sighed coming up to me looking closely at me his eyes wide with fear his
hands shaking as he reached out grabbing the base of my neck as Dick still held
me tight and he kissed me. Shoving his tongue past my lips rolling his tongue
over my teeth pulling back after a couple of hoots and hollers wiping his mouth
on the back of his hand his face red.
“Sorry,” he said quietly not able to look me in the face.
“You think that’s it? On your knees,” Chad hissed and Dom looked at him.
“Don’t make me. He’ll hate me forever. Don’t make me,” Dom begged him.
“Ok,” Chad said, “You want to go set him on the table and I’ll go ask my Dad
for condoms?”
“Yeah,” Dick said picking me up easy as I struggled trying to expand my
muscles. Trying to make him let go.
“Wait,” Dom said sighing getting on his knees in front of me, “So you want me
to…?” He sighed shaking his head trailing off.
“Yeah, try him. He’s good. He’s really sweet. Aren’t you baby?” Dick asked me.
I felt light headed. This wasn’t happening. They weren’t making me do this. Not
yet. I wasn’t ready yet. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. This wasn’t ok.
This was Dom and me and he didn’t want to do it and neither did I and neither
one of our Da’s were here.
“Come on we’re waiting,” Chad said laughing lightly as Dom looked up at me a
pained expression on his face.
“Just do it,” I said still twitching and struggling against Dick’s arms until I
felt his hand touch me.
“Surprised?” Dick mumbled into my ear as Dom did something weird along my ball
sac with his fingers feeling like something I had never experienced before.
Something I was pretty sure I didn’t want.
I started panting. It felt weird. It felt like Da and I couldn’t deal with that
straining harder throwing my head back trying to head butt Dick in the face. I
struggled finding it impossible to keep still any longer, finding the whole
thing too invasive, too violating.
“Stop,” I begged Dom making him pull back like I was on fire.
“What did you forget how to give a blow job? That’s something I thought you
would be good at. That’s something I remember you being pretty good at,” Chad
said to Dom who couldn’t look me in the eyes, “Do it unless you want me to.”
“I-I can’t,” Dom said quietly, “He told me not to. I can’t. I can’t do that to
him. I can’t.”
“You want trade places Rich?” Chad asked.
“You bet, I love sucking his cock,” Dick answered pushing me forward into
Chad’s chest.
“Stop,” I said again as I felt Dick’s hands on the back of my legs as I tried
to push Chad away.
“Hey, it’ll be fun you’ll like it. And you’re 13, right? You come every time so
I don’t know what you’re complaining about,” Chad said.
“No, stop,” I said again, “I don’t want to. Don’t make me. I don’t want to.”
I started crying as I struggled against him feeling Dick’s tongue on the small
of my back. I hated this. I hated that I was crying in front of them, because
of them. Because they wouldn’t leave me alone. Because no one ever let me
breathe. When that’s all I needed, was to breathe. Was a second where I could
be something other than someone’s whore.
“Aww poor baby going to cry? I don’t know why you’re crying. You should just
let yourself enjoy it. Like anyone else would want you? Especially after all
the dicks you’re going to take up your ass today?” Chad taunted.
Just then the door opened up again and Pat and Cole and Tosh walked into the
room their eyes wide looking at us. Looking at what was going on, Dick getting
ready to bury his tongue in my ass as I cried. Chad was right. No one would
ever want me. No guy, no girl. No one. And I didn’t deserve Pat. Even if he did
want me, not that he would after today. Not that any of it mattered.
“Dick let him go,” Pat hissed.
“Why? He’s ours. We called dibs today sorry fellas,” Chad mocked.
“He doesn’t belong to you. Let him go now,” Pat said his voice barely above a
whisper and I could hear the anger he was holding back.
“You guys want to play with my Dad?” I heard Cole ask smugly, “I’m sure he’d
love some time with you two. 17. Right on the edge. Strong enough to give him a
good fight but still weak enough to break. Just his type guys. What do you
say?”
Chad’s gripped loosened and Dick stopped touching me and I finally pushed away.
So that’s why Dick always listened to Cole. Because he was Arthur’s real type.
The kind of guy he liked. I felt like I could finally breathe for a second
walking away from them and grabbing my blanket from my cot and wrapping it
around myself pulling myself into the fetal position.
“Hey,” Dom said quietly coming to sit on the floor in front of me.
“Don’t do that again,” I said, “No matter what. Don’t do that again.”
“I’m sorry, I thought maybe it’d be better than…” I cut him off.
“No. I’d rather deal with the pain of doubles, which they can’t do anyway in
here than do that. So, don’t,” I said my whole body shaking.
“You hate me?” he asked.
“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t blame you. I just…don’t do that ok?”
“Todd would make us if he could. Finick,” Dom commented.
“I know,” I said quietly, “I just that’s something they do a lot. That type of
stuff. And I don’t…I won’t.”
“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head, “ok. I won’t worry about it again unless one
of them makes me all right? No trackers just …you know.”
“Thanks,” I said as Pat came over.
“Are you ok?” Pat asked looking at us, “Both of you. Are you two ok?”
“Close call,” Dom said.
“That’s an understatement. They had him like…they were squeezing him and Dick
was getting ready to…did they do anything to you?” Pat asked.
“They huh…,” Dom started to say.
“They were going to,” I answered quietly for him. I didn’t need Pat to know
what he had almost done to me. Pat would be so angry that Dom had touched me.
Especially when I was making it very clear that wasn’t something I was ok with.
That I was scared because it involved him touching me there. His mouth almost
going there which Pat knew was something I was very finicky about.
“God I’m so glad Cole has that asshole to threaten people with sometimes,” Pat
sighed, “Are you two ok though? Like for real?”
“Yeah, I’ll be ok,” I lied.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dom said.
“Ok well, I’m going to like…chill somewhere away from you two. Because you know
that’s like the best thing for right now. I’ll be watching those two very
closely though. If you need me or anyone just…you know. Don’t let them get you
alone anywhere, ok?” Pat said to which we both nodded our heads and he walked
away grabbing up a blanket on an empty cot on the other side of the room.
“Why aren’t you telling him?” Dom asked me.
“He doesn’t need to know. Nothing happened,” I said.
“That’s not true,” Dom said, “I…”
I cut him off, “You were scared. I was scared ok? That’s all there is to it.
You thought you had no choice. That they were going to hurt me so you did
something you thought would be better and it wasn’t ok? That’s all. You didn’t
put your mouth on me, you just touched me and I can live with that. Nothing bad
happened.”
“Yeah because we got lucky,” Dom said quietly, “What did they say to you?”
“What?” I asked.
“When you started crying Chad said something to you. It made you let out a sob
almost a scream and then you stopped. What did he say? And I know Dick said
something too. I didn’t hear what he said either. I’m just curious,” Dom said.
“It doesn’t matter,” I answered.
“Yeah it does,” Dom said, “Look I know you get emotional or you either shut
down but, you don’t do that. You don’t cry over nothing and especially not
where you just let one sob escape you and then shut it down. That’s not normal
for you. Especially in front of guys like that. I’ve seen you panic in front of
them before you don’t cry. You just don’t.”
“Dick said he was going to fuck me ok? He said him and Chad were going to fuck
me and make me beg to be with handlers ok? And then Chad said I should just let
it happen and enjoy it because no one is going to want me. Not ever. And he’s
right. Ok?” I answered not looking at him.
“That’s not true,” Dom said.
“Yeah it is,” I said.
“No, trust me it’s not true. People do want you. People other than them,” Dom
said again.
“No, it is true and I know it. That’s all I’m good for, ok? I know it and I’ve
accepted it,” I said.
“No, it’s not,” Dom said his voice getting louder.
“How would you know?” I asked him.
“Because Pat wants you. Because...,” Dom looked at his cot his face turning red
as he barely mumbled it, “I want you.”
“Oh,” I said not sure what else to say. I had forgotten about that. That he had
a crush on me. That I mattered to him as more than a best friend.
He shrugged his shoulders not daring to look at me, “It’s true. I’m sorry and
I’m trying ok? I’m trying to not let it …I want you to still be able to tell me
things. I do. And I know that you would never walk away from Pat. So, I don’t
usually say anything about it ok? But in this case, it needs to be said because
I don’t want to be like them. Because I’m not one of them and I never will be.
I want you because you’re smart, and caring and funny and great at reading
people and you’re not afraid to let people know how you feel.
Because you have these eyes that look like they are always thinking. Always
trying to figure something out and it makes you mysterious. It makes me wonder
what you’re thinking about when you go silent. I like how I can sit with you in
silence and it doesn’t feel awkward or wrong. It just is what it is and that’s
ok because sometimes I don’t want to talk. And you get that. There are a
million reasons I like you and not one of them is because of your body. Ok?”
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “My eyes are a part of my body though.” I pointed
out making us smile a little.
“You know what I mean,” Dom said and I nodded my head.
“Yeah, I know. I just had to point that out,” I said.
“That’s another reason I like you. You can take something so dark and scary and
just turn it around. Make it feel like it didn’t even happen,” he said.
“How does this go anyway? Today I mean,” I asked.
“Well, they’ll pull random guys until around noon when everyone gets here. Then
they’ll sort us by age and we’ll stand in the ball room. They’ll pull a name.
Just one and that’s the guy who…doesn’t go home. Everyone else they’ll just
keep pulling at different times from the holding rooms. The back room isn’t
being used right now though it’s covered in plastic for when the name is pulled
makes clean up easier. However, they will give you a color and that’s what
your…task is I guess you could say. Red is full on anal, yellow is usually oral
stuff and green means that they have to take it easy on you usually that means
you’re more fragile. You can tell them what you will and won’t do and they have
to kind of listen. They do that with little kids usually as in kids under nine.
Black means they can do whatever they want. Hard core stuff like vibrators and
plugs and depo sex and whatever else, doubles, triples whatever. If we have a
lot of out of charter guests then they do gold and gold is someone who is
supposed to cater to the guests and they do almost the same thing as black only
not with everyone just with the guests,” Dom answered.
“You’ve been all of them at one point, haven’t you?” I asked him.
He nodded his head, “Last time we did this I was 11 I think. I ended being in
the black but that’s pretty normal considering I’m a 2. Even my star status
doesn’t get me any exclusivity. Usually when they do a full charter party it’s
only for tenures. Very rarely will they do full charter where they pull all age
groups at once but when they did they use the color system.”
“Star status?” I asked.
“Well we’ve talked about how not many red heads are around right? Even less of
us make videos. You and me we’re…we’re like the only two redheads on feature on
the website right now so…,” Dom trailed off.
“Where do guests come from?” I asked.
“Right now? I’ve heard rumors today we have a guy from Germany one from Russia,
I’ve already met him and one from Japan. There’s a couple more from different
states. One from the UK too I think,” Dom answered.
“You talked to the Russian one?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Dom said, “It was weird. Really weird because I haven’t been able to
talk to someone in Russian in a long time so it felt strange. He mostly just
talked to me though and then made me sit on a bed in front of him and…do
somethings by myself like…”
“That’s really weird,” I said.
“Yeah it felt weird too because it’s not something that I…at home I’m not…” Dom
stopped and exhaled.
“I get it. Me neither,” I answered.
It was true. I wasn’t allowed to masturbate at home. It was something that if
my Da told me he ever caught me doing he would tie my hands behind my back for
a month. That was the first and only time he ever caught me even attempting to
touch myself and I had been 5 or 6. He had told me I always needed to come to
him. That he would help me, take care of it. So, it was just something that I
was never interested in because I hated my Da touching me.
“They are too much alike,” Dom said, “Pop and your Dad.”
“I think so too,” I said not wanting to think about it anymore, “So will my
little brothers be here?”
“Yeah everyone will be, everyone with a brand. They are in different holding
rooms though because we’re the only age group that really has recruits to worry
about and they tend to like to keep the younger one’s calm. That and when they
aren’t here to watch things just…sometimes they get out of control like that
thing that just happened I guess and they don’t want the kids to have to worry
about that,” Dom told me, “So your brothers should be ok. At least when they
are in the holding rooms.”
“And when they aren’t? How do you know what color someone is?” I asked.
“Usually they announce it according to last names and then say except and that
person is usually a different color. I don’t know I usually end up in the gold
or red sometimes black but ones are almost always black and everyone else just
kind of fills in the somewhere,” Dom told me.
“So, I probably won’t be black,” I sighed with relief. Black sounded bad,
sounded painful.
“No gold,” Dom said, “You’ll be gold you get a lot of attention. Unwanted I’m
sure but, you do.”
“What he talks about me?” I asked quietly feeling nervous, feeling embarrassed.
“Pop? Yeah, he talks to Leo on the phone a lot. I overhear sometimes because
it’s huh just that’s how it goes I guess. It’s never on weekends probably
because that’s when you’re there but, I don’t know,” Dom said, “I have my own
bed now though. They thought it would be weird to keep me in the bed with them
if they had Adam too so…like Adam and I have a real bedroom for once. I
actually get to sleep in my bed sometimes too.”
“You didn’t have your own bed?” I asked.
“Oh, I thought I told you that before,” Dom’s face went red, “Since they
brought me home. It’s just like something they did I guess. I…it’s not a big
deal I mean.”
“No, I think it’s cool that you’re excited about it. Having your own bed. Kind
of sad and abnormal but that’s like everyone here don’t you think?” I asked.
“True. But yeah, I have my own bed and its actually kind of awesome. Like I can
hang posters on my wall. Because I have a real wall. I still don’t have a
computer or anything really cool like that but I have a bookshelf where I can
keep my books. But yeah, it’s like really awesome,” Dom said smiling lightly.
“If it makes you feel any better I don’t have my own computer either. We’re not
even allowed to use the computer at home. At Leo’s I can, not that I will. Not
after all the crazy it brought down on me,” I said.
“Yeah, you kind of told me a little bit about that. Do you think that guy is
here?” Dom asked me.
“I hope not. Because he was from out of state from what I remember. Leo made it
very clear he’d come from a bit away to come see me. So, I really really hope
not,” I answered.
“I’m sorry,” Dom said quietly.
“I would love to see your room sometime. Where is Adam?” I asked aware that he
wasn’t there.
“He’s on the floor,” Dom said briskly.
That sounded horrible. On the floor or on the tables I had caught on was slang
for entertaining which was slang for getting your brains fucked out when you
didn’t really want it to happen. I sighed thinking about everything. Where I
was how I had been feeling, how I had been acting. Thinking about Leo and what
he had made me do yesterday with Dick, with him. I didn’t want any of this
especially after that and especially after what Dick was planning on forcing me
to do until Cole and Pat walked into the room.
“When does this thing start?” I asked.
“Soon, you guys will get your assignments soon.” Dom said as Lionel walked into
the room, “like right now.”
I sighed knowing he meant right now as in right now. As everyone’s attention
turned to the leader that stood center of the room. A hush fell over us
everyone pulling their blankets tighter around them. No one wanted to be here
and no one wanted to hear this.
“Ok, fives besides John I want you guys on yellow for this age group all right?
A-H levels four and three I want you guys to do red and then everyone else four
and three I want to be yellow as well. John you’re on Gold and actually…” He
sighed looking around the room, “Gables you’re on gold too. Both of you follow
me.”
“Good luck,” Dom said as I stood up taking my blanket with me.
“You don’t need that,” The leader told me as I sighed and walked it back over
to a cot using my hands to cover myself as Cole came and stood next to me, “Ok
I have a couple of special guest that the two of you will be entertaining.
Rules are do what they ask you. If they are quiet don’t be afraid to prompt
them. We want them to have a good experience. Ask them if they want you to
talk, to make noise, to be silent. Ask if they would like to tie you up or like
you to fight a little bit. Now you have rooms for right now. Usually rooms are
only for green or black or gold so ….”
He walked us down the hallway and up a flight of stairs and into another
hallway where he opened a door. The room was huge. There was a sitting room
attached to it and he walked through opening up different rooms off the main
sitting room. There was a bathroom with a bathtub and massive shower stall with
6 chrome shower heads coming out of the wall in a glass enclosure. The bath
made of a white marble that was deep with jets installed. He threw open French
double doors in the center of the room and there was the bed. The bed was a
massive king size bed with the sheets in different hues of blue from a deep
navy to a light sky blue and the walls where similar tones. There were straps
already connected to the wooden head board and some of the pillows were sitting
on a chair nearby. I noticed in the corner was another door that was boarded
shut and look like it would be impossible to open.
“John this is the room you’ll be working in. I want you to just wait for a
while he’ll be in shortly. His name is Hans he’s around your Dad’s age. He
won’t be that difficult. He’s from Germany and he’s thinking about starting a
chapter. He saw your work and was impressed. Most people are but just do what
you’re told and everything will be fine,” he said as he motioned for Cole to
follow him out of the room shutting the door behind him.
I heard his voice fade away as they walked farther down the hallway. He must
have really wanted to impress Hans was all I could think wrapping my arms
around myself, grabbing my shoulders. This didn’t seem good at all. This seemed
really bad. Did Leo and Da know I was reserved gold? Did they know I was in
this room waiting for this guy to come in and do whatever he wanted to me? They
probably did but the thought still nagged at me. What if they didn’t say this
was ok? Would I be in trouble for allowing it to happen?
I sighed sitting down in one of the chairs the fabric of the seat feeling soft
and smooth against my naked backside and I noticed it almost gleamed when I
moved a certain way. Looking at in a certain light the off-white shade making
it hard to tell which light seemed to make it sparkle more.
“it’s silk,” a heavily accented voice said suddenly making me jump which caused
him to laugh, “you are ok I will not hurt you. you are beautiful more so than
in your movies yeah?”
I stared at him blankly taking in his features. His nose that was long and
hooked and his frame that was bulky similar to Hanks. His eyes seemed to be
small in his head and his smile reminded me of a jack o’lanterns. His head was
balding in the center with tuffs of hair on the sides. This guy was way older
then my Da a lot closer to the Leaders age than anyone else’s.
He reached forward and touched the side of my face making me cringe as I did my
best not to pull away. To pull away would mean punishment. Probably from him as
well as the brotherhood and my Da and Leo. That was something I didn’t want to
deal with. That I didn’t want to even think about.
“look at me,” he said as I turned my gaze up to meet his, he had that look in
his eyes. That look that I didn’t like, “your eyes are so green they shine like
emeralds.”
“Huh, thanks?” I said timidly.
“You’re very welcome,” he said, “Stand.”
I stood up not worried about hiding my nakedness because he had already walked
in on me. I sighed heavily as he took my hand in his looking me closely up and
down his eyes lingering below my waist.
“You are very well endowed,” he said which my body responded to by flushing my
face, flooding it with heat, “Do you taste as good as they say?”
He asked me to which I blinked. So, they talked about me with everyone then?
They told people that I tasted good? Was that all I was? I shrugged my
shoulders. It’s not like I had really ever tasted myself before so how would I
know what I tasted like? Whether I was sweet or not.
“Do you speak more than the one word?” He asked me suddenly making me aware
that I hadn’t uttered a word besides thanks after he had walked into the room.
“Yes,” I answered nodding my head, “Do you want to talk?”
I wasn’t sure what there was to talk about. What I would even say but the
leader had said to read them, to ask them questions. So, we could understand
what they wanted. That was something that I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be
anywhere near this guy his face reading nothing but creep.
“No, I do like protest though. If you want to resist I find that fun,” he said
grabbing my neck and rubbing it gently not putting any pressure against it but
his stance threatening the action.
“Can I fight back?” I asked quietly confused by what he was saying.
“A little,” He said his eyes flashing menace as his smile widened, “No biting,
not punching, no kicking you can push though and scratch a little. I like that
and you can slap if you like.”
I wasn’t sure what to do with that. It sounded like Leo only physical instead
of verbal. A list of things I wasn’t allowed to do. I felt myself getting
unsteady at the thought of being this guy’s plaything. At the thought of it
being almost like roleplay because there was no way in hell I would be strong
enough to fight him off even if I had been allowed to.
“I can say no?” I asked him.
“You can scream it if you want. For some of the other stuff I’ll tie you down
for sure so you can still fight and do whatever it is you need to but you won’t
be able to get away ok?” He said reaching his hand forward to touch my face
again as I stepped backwards.
He smiled at that, “We’re playing already? Ok I thought we would wait until we
got to bedroom but we can play now.”
He lunged at me throwing his arms around my waist and squeezing to which I
pushed hard at his arms shaking my head. His skin felt dry and rough against
mine like sand paper like skin that had been worn in by the sun and age.
“No,” I whimpered trying to push him away as he picked me up and struggled in
his arms as he managed to maneuver us so we didn’t run into anything dropping
me on the bed as he pulled his shirt over his head and started undoing his
pants.
“NO!” I screamed at him trying to get up as he pushed me back down and I
slapped him on the arms as hard as I could.
“You’re good at this,” He taunted pulling his pants down his fat stomach
revealing a cock that looked small and unthreatening but was probably enough to
penetrate me anyway.
“NO!” I screamed again as he pushed me down hard smacking me across the face
when I moved to avoid his lips against mine.
I stopped struggling shocked. No one had ever smacked me before. Not like that.
It had always been in the stomach a hard punch and not a semi firm slap to the
face. He laughed at my reaction grabbing my face tightly by the chin pushing on
the back of my jaw forcing my mouth open before he started kissing me his
tongue roughly exploring my mouth as I pushed at him his weight getting heavier
by the second.
“Stop,” I begged him as he started kissing down my body. I closed my eyes
hoping he would stop. I knew he wasn’t going to do that. However, I really
hoped that he wouldn’t blow me.
“Stop. I don’t like that. I don’t want to do that, don’t please don’t,” I
begged grabbing his hair and pulling lightly trying to keep his mouth from
going lower.
“You are good at this,” he said amused grabbing one of my arms hard and
stretching it enough to slap a shackle around it and then doing the same to the
other one, “This is going to be fun. I’ll let you know if you’re really that
sweet.”
“No,” I said shaking my head consciously trying not to kick him as he started
kissing down the center of my chest. His hands trailing down my sides lightly
tickling me as I twisted and turned as much as the shackles would allow pulling
trying to break them so I could get myself free. My, breathe hitching as his
hands started messaging up and down my inner thighs as he leaned back on my
legs so he could fully see me struggling and naked under him.
“That’s right beautiful tell me no. Fight me, don’t let me just take it,” He
encouraged.
“STOP! STOP!!!” I screamed as loud as I could as he leaned forward his fingers
somehow wet and sticky as he made sure to spread my legs farther. To the point
where it almost hurt the inside muscles and tendons from my knees into my
thighs as he pressed a finger up against my pucker making me scream wordlessly.
This was painful. This was beyond painful. Being able to beg and scream and try
and fight with permission and all of it being ignored or down right encouraged.
I felt like I was fucking puppet or a monkey working with an organ grinder on
the street dancing for coins because I was programmed to dance. He plunged his
way inside up to the last knuckle without really warning me or preparing me.
Making me scream louder which made him laugh.
“Don’t worry little one. I’ll find your quiet spot I promise. Just give me a
second,” he cooed as he sniffed my pubic bone. Leaning forward into me, resting
his head against my belly button. The hair tickling the skin there making me
squirm and try to wiggle away from him. He moved his finger inside of me before
pulling it out working the ring of muscle trying to loosen it until he felt it
give starting to open up before he shoved another finger into me.
“Stop,” I whimpered again. The feeling of the pressure starting to build in
other places as he touched and moved his fingers around unbearable.
“There we go,” he said as my Dick started to harden, “That’s it beautiful.”
I whimpered trying to pull myself forward off his fingers. I found myself
impaled on them only to find my shaft being pressed closer against his nose and
lips and I felt him smile at the movement. At the pressure which made me whine.
“NO,” I begged him as I felt the tip of his tongue touch my shaft.
“Your skin taste good but I don’t know about your cum yet. Should I try and
push you farther using my fingers still or move right to my mouth? That way I
don’t miss a single drop.” He taunted.
“NO, NO NO!” I begged him somewhere between a sob and a scream just the thought
making me want to crawl out of my body.
“No more fingers ok?” He said rubbing my shaft taking his fingers out and
wrapping his lips around me making me freeze up my whole body trying to fight
the way it felt. How it felt good but how I hated it at the same time. My
breathing picking up speed as the tears flowed down my face.
His fingers went back inside me working their magic. He blew me until my eyes
rolled. Until I orgasmed and then he kept going. He kept going until I couldn’t
get it up anymore and then he stopped.
“You really do taste as good as they say. I wonder if you feel as good too,” I
remember him muttering. His form swaying above me. My body beyond tired almost
so tired I could fall asleep until he pushed his way into me with very little
lubricant making me shriek.
 It hurt. It hurt so bad and yet I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t make any of it
stop. My body giving him everything he wanted, betraying me as all I could was
lay there and let him. Let him push in and out of me, let him tell me I was
dirty. That I was a slut. That I liked cumming for him just like I liked it for
everyone else. Once he had climaxed I thought he was done but he grabbed my
balls and squeezed to wake me up and I heard a pop pain overwhelming my system
causing the world to blink in and out, my vision going from black to normal to
black.
***** Chapter 46 *****
Chapter Summary
     John wakes up confused as fuck. He hears about what he missed and has
     a long talk with his brothers along with Pat and Cole. Mum and him
     make plans for John to celebrate his 14th birthday with his friends.
Chapter Notes
     Pages 975 to 993 Warnings: Mentions of murder, Minor Character death,
     mentions of torture, talk of child sexual abuse/rape/non-con, mental
     health issues, medical issues, physical abuse, pain. I've been busy
     so sorry if I didn't respond to some comments left on Will's part 2.
     Will probably be working on updating that probably Thursday while I
     work on sorting shit and packing it up.
I don’t remember anything after that. Not for a while. When I did wake up I was
surprised by the brightness of the room how everything had gone from the
different shades of blue to white and sterile how I could feel the edge of the
bed on each side of me. Convinced I had been chained to the center of a king-
sized bed before.
“You’re awake?” I heard my Da ask me through a yawn.
“What happened?” I asked him.
“When the doctor asks you’re going to tell them that you were walking home
through the park and someone tried to rob you. The last thing you remember is
them grabbing the front of your pants and then you passed out. Understood?” He
said to me.
“Yes,” I said knowing he wouldn’t really answer my question. Not here. Not in
the hospital.
 I remembered that horrible accent. How sore my body felt before I had passed
out and how there seemed to be a dull throbbing pain that covered every inch of
me even in that moment. I sat there in silence as my Da left the room. When he
came back there was a doctor there with Hank and I squeezed the railing on the
both sides of my bed. I didn’t want him there at all.
“I’m Dr. Whippet,” The older woman said pulling the chart that was hanging on
the foot of my bed, “Can you tell me what happened?”
“Last thing I remember I was walking home,” I answered her, “Some guy came up
to me and he asked me if I had any money and I told him no and he didn’t
believe me. Then he grabbed me and that’s the last thing I remember. That and a
lot of pain.
“Ok,” She said nodding her head, “Mr. McGregor I have my co-worker Dr. Reed she
would like to speak to your son if that’s ok.”
“That’s fine, send her in,” he replied.
“Alone,” Dr. Whippet replied, “He might be more comfortable talking to her
alone. It’s just in case there’s anything he’s not comfortable saying in front
of you.”
“That’s fine,” Da answered her, “I was going to go get some coffee anyway. Do
you know when the surgery will happen?” He asked her.
“Tomorrow …” She said her voice trailing away as both Da and her started
walking down the hall away from my room where I shifted uncomfortably in my bed
looking at Hank.
“You’re ok,” he said, “You want to know what happened?”
“I already know,” I answered, “I was there. I remember up until the moment I
passed out.”
“Well medically speaking he ruptured your testicale,” he said holding back a
laugh, “From squeezing.”
“Is that like normal?” I asked confused.
“No actually it’s pretty hard to do so he must have some grip,” Hank told me,
“You’ll be all right though. Just need to go in and stitch it all back together
is all and then you’ll need about two weeks of rest. I’m here because when Vic
dropped you off. It looked like what they call a serious assault. So, I have
some stuff I have to take care of. And I have to make it look professional.”
“So, you’re here to make them think you’re investigating what happened even
though you really aren’t because you know what happened,” I asked.
“Pretty much. I mean Mr. Lord isn’t thrilled needless to say. We don’t usually
treat people that way. Whatever we do we’re not supposed to cause permanent
injury unless It’s as a punishment. Even then it’s usually one no one is
walking away from if you understand my meaning,” Hank said.
“So, he wasn’t allowed to do that?” I asked.
“To you? No not to you. You’re a five. We don’t do those type of things to
fives. So obviously his visit just like yours was cut short,” Hank said, “What
are you going to tell this girl?”
“Doctor Reed? I’ve met her before. I’ll tell her I was assaulted on my way home
from my friend’s house. That’s all there is to say really,” I answered as we
heard someone’s shoes sounding against the tiled floor and Dr. Reed stuck her
head in the door.
“Hello Johnathan. Do you remember me?” She asked me.
“Yes, hello Doctor Reed. This is Detective Kingly,” I said introducing Hank,
“Detective thank you but I’ve told you everything I remember.”
“Certainly, I’ll go speak with your father,” Hank said walking away.
“Can we talk?” She asked me shutting the door behind her.
“What about?” I asked her.
“Well it’s in your record that you were molested as a child?” She asked me.
“Yeah, what does that have to do with some guy robbing me?” I asked her.
“Well, there might have been an assault or there might not have. I would like
to speak to you about that in order to help the police and maybe make you feel
a little more comfortable,” she answered.
“What do you mean assault? You mean like he…?” I trailed off.
“Did the person who molested you before sodomize you at all?” She asked me.
“No,” I shook my head, “Why?”
“Well, there was evidence of sexual activity. Sometimes when children are
molested or taken advantage of they have increased sexual knowledge which can
lead to curiosity. If that’s the case it would account for some of the things
that were found when we did a rape kit. Now I won’t tell anyone if what we
found was because of experimentation or not besides the police so they can rule
out that types of assault but…I need to know…”
“Wait what type of evidence?” I asked confused.
“Well we found saliva samples on your scrotum, shaft, testacies, inner thighs,
perineum, and around your sphincter. Were you engaging in sexual activity today
at all?” She asked me.
“No,” I shook my head.
“You sure? Because we also found spermicide residue during your exam,” she
added.
“No, I-I wasn’t,” I said.
She sat down and sighed, “Johnathan I’m not asking you because you’re in
trouble or to shame you. I’m asking you because if not I have to tell the
police that some man sexually assaulted you. That he did things to you that you
probably didn’t want happening. So, I need to know if there was any wanted
sexual contact earlier today ok?”
“No, there wasn’t,” I said quietly not able to look at her.
Did she really believe I wanted that guy doing those things to me? That I
wanted his tongue on my body? That I wanted to feel all sticky and gross. Just
talking about it made me need to shower, reminded me of what he had done, how
he had tied me up while I screamed and begged him to stop until I couldn’t beg
anymore because my body was too flooded, too confused with sensations.
“Do you remember what happened?” She asked me quietly, her eyes soft when I
glanced up at them.
“I….” I stopped thinking about it carefully. If I even admitted that maybe I
remembered something even if that something was a lie I would probably get into
trouble. And it wasn’t like it was really rape. I mean my Da had said it was ok
and my body belonged to him so it couldn’t be rape then, right? I shook my
head.
“Johnathan?” She asked.
“It was consensual,” I changed my story not wanting to talk about it. Not
wanting to think about it. Not sure what to do.
“But you just sa…” I cut her off.
“Look it was consensual all right? That’s all you need to know,” I said my
voice not sounding as steady as I would have liked it to.
“Why did you lie about it?” She asked me quietly, “Just a few minutes ago.”
“I don’t want my Da to know ok? It’s not something you broad cast,” I said to
her.
“That what? That you’re experimenting?” She asked me.
“Yeah, ok look my parents are catholic. All right? If they knew they’d kill
us,” I said giving her half the truth.
Our Dad’s would probably kill us but not because they wanted to nor because
they were catholic but because it was forbidden. Sexual relationships like
ours, the one Pat and I had which was probably why we had only had sex one time
so far. Not that I had been penetrated that time. But that didn’t matter. It
worked for the lie I was trying to sell so I went with it. That and it was none
of her business.
“Are you ashamed?” She asked me, “Of your sexual orientation?”
“Look I don’t even…” I sighed loudly, “I don’t even know if I’m gay ok? I know
I love him. That he’s different from everyone else. He’s not like anyone else
ok?”
“So, it is a guy?” She said and I nodded my head.
“Life is complicated for me. I have no one. I have no friends, no one I can
talk to that gets it but him. So, we talk and sometimes talking leads to
kissing and sometimes kissing leads to other things,” I answered.
“Other things you mean like fellatio?” I cringed at the word, “What?”
“I don’t…” I felt my cheeks turning red as I thought about telling her. Telling
her how much I hated that. That it was my least favorite thing to do sexually.
Letting someone do that to me. How do you explain to anyone that you don’t like
blow jobs because you’ve had too many of them? Because you’re tired of people
sucking you off and putting their tongue in places it doesn’t belong when you
don’t want it there.
“It’s ok take your time,” she said trying to encourage me.
“I don’t like oral sex ok?” I managed to answer stumbling over the words.
“But you let this friend do it to you? Is there another crime that happened
that is separate from the robbery?” She asked me slowly her forehead creasing
in worry.
“No, it’s…no, ok?” I answered biting my lower lip anxiously.
“You know if you don’t like doing something you don’t have to do it right? You
have the right to say no,” she said.
I realized she had caught me. Because I couldn’t keep the facts straight. That
she knew someone had assaulted me. That she knew someone had done something I
didn’t want. The only thing I could think of to reply with was “I don’t have
any rights and it doesn’t matter anyway” and I knew that wasn’t the right thing
to say so I sat there silently.
“Where’s my Da and when can I go home?” I asked her.
“I’m sure he’ll be back soon and sometimes tomorrow. They have to repair an
injury you have. You don’t feel it because you’re on heavy pain medication but
it’s a pretty big one. We’re pretty sure the robber kicked you in the testacies
and caused a rupture. Unless that happened from the activity you said you had
with your friend.
“No, he wouldn’t do that,” I answered her.
“But he would force you to endure oral sex that you don’t like?” She
questioned.
“I didn’t…I didn’t say that,” I said.
“But someone clearly performed Oral sex on you. So, if it wasn’t your friend
then it had to be someone else. Someone you didn’t give permission to. Would
that be correct for someone to assume?” She asked me.
“Yes,” I said.
“And you’re ashamed of your father finding out so you would rather just have
the whole subject dropped then admit this guy raped you correct?” She asked
again.
“Yeah,” I said.
It made more sense to keep my mouth shut. To pretend I was ashamed because I
was supposedly gay then to tell her it was because it was someone my Da had let
rape me. Someone who him and his friends had literally stuck me in a bedroom
with so they could use me. So, they could listen to me scream as I tried to
push them off me. As they put their hands and lips and tongue and body all over
my body. So, they could ignore me as I begged them to stop to please just stop.
“John? John why are you crying?” She asked me quietly getting my attention.
“Leave me alone ok?” I managed to say, “Just leave me alone.”
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” She asked me, “What were you thinking about
just then?”
“Just leave me alone please. No one ever listens to me when I say that but
please. Just leave me alone. Just this once, god listen to me just this once,”
I begged her.
“Who never listens to you when you ask to be left alone? What do you mean?” She
asked me.
“Please, please just…please?” I asked my pleading tone subsiding so I was more
making a request then begging for mercy.
“Is someone hurting you often?” She asked me.
“Look I’m fine ok? Just leave it alone. The police will take care of it,” I
told her.
“So, this wasn’t something that happened in the park? This was something that
happened somewhere else. Are you hiding anything? Listen, every time you come
in here something seems off. You seem tired. You sometimes have marks around
your wrists. Usually that points to systematic abuse. Is it your Dad?” She
asked me.
“Leave me alone!” I nearly shouted as my Da came into the room.
“My son just told you to leave him alone Dr. Reed. I think maybe you should
leave him alone,” My Da told her.
“Your son was possibly sexually assaulted. He has signs of self-injury. It is
possible that maybe he hasn’t been dealing well with his past sexual abuse?
I’ve also taken a very close look at his chart and he shows signs of anorexia
nervosa,” Dr. Reed said.
“I realize my son has a problem, I’m very aware of it. We’re working on getting
him help. he sees Dr. Swartzman he’s been hospitalized for a suicide attempt a
couple of months ago his younger brother Will found him bleeding out in the
bathtub you remember that? Because you were here for that. He’s on medication
for anxiety and depression. This is just another unfortunate incident and the
police are involved to try and figure out who this is and when they catch them
they will pay for it,” Da said briskly, “Now my son needs to rest and get ready
to have his balls stuffing sowed back into it. So, if you don’t mind Dr. Reed
while we appreciate your concern I think we have this handled.”
“Yes sir, I will be going now,” She said a look on her face like she was about
ready to cry as she left the room.
That was the most interesting thing that happened while I was in the hospital.
I ended up mostly sleeping high on heavy pain killers. The surgery was the next
day and I was in the hospital overnight. When I was done with surgery they gave
my Da a bottle of pills and ordered a week of full bed rest. With Dr. Palmer
reviewing things with my Da who said no sexual activity for at least a week
while I healed up. Hank managed to bury the rape kit and any record of my
supposed assault.
I wasn’t allowed to go to school but Cole and Pat came over the moment they
heard I was home. Them and Will joining me in my bedroom to tell me what I had
missed. It was an interesting conversation.
“Man, it was crazy. Apparently, you like passed out so the guy like called for
Vic, right? And Vic got there and then looked you over and he started swearing
loud enough the guy I was with, Yuri, stepped out of the room leaving the door
open. There was more swearing and then someone went to go get your Dad, right?
And that just added to the yelling over what they were going to do. And they
agreed sending you to the hospital was the best idea. He took you do the
hospital and left your brothers. They went home with your uncle. So, you missed
the tenure. Which, be happy because they stuck this weird knife through the
kid’s balls sac and then they hung him from the chandler. It was really
gruesome.
“Who was it?” I asked curious.
“Eric,” Pat said, “That one you pointed out to me that you said was an asshole
who threatened you? It was him they said that he apparently had been harassing
other bottoms. So, you apparently weren’t the first guy he threatened.”
“Wait that guy threatened you?” Cole asked.
“Yeah he said something about mixing chocolate and vanilla together. Some other
things how he wanted to ask Leo if he could…I don’t know why. He seemed like he
hated me so maybe it was just a power trip away to watch me squirm.”
“Well apparently he touched someone that didn’t belong to him that he didn’t
have permission to be with. He was like it was some little kid like four or
five. The kid wasn’t there obviously but yeah,” Cole sighed.
“There’s this doctor that wants to die,” I said, “She’s like the hospital
shrink or whatever but she came up to me and said they did a rape kit. That
there was spit all over me. All over…and asked me if I was fooling around with
people like sexually because I was molested when I was younger. It’s Da’s cover
story that I was molested by my football couch or whatever. She kept asking a
lot of weird questions like maybe she thought that I was being raped all the
time and she was just like crazy.”
“Yeah sounds like she does have a death wish,” Pat said, “Did you let her in on
anything?”
“No,” I said, “She might be an idiot but that doesn’t mean she deserves to
die.”
“So, you’re clear to come back to school on Wednesday, right?” Pat asked me.
“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be there but yeah,” I answered.
“Wait isn’t Thursday your…” I cut Cole off.
“I’ll be 14 yeah. They have something planned. I’m sure not anything I’ll like
but it’s not like I’ll get a choice. Not like I have any right to a choice,” I
answered.
“Last year for my birthday they made me do a three way with Pat and some one,”
Cole said casually.
I wrinkled my nose. That didn’t sound horrible but it didn’t sound like my idea
of a good time either. My idea of a good time would probably have been a repeat
of Vic’s apartment Pat riding on top of me letting me feel his insides
squeezing around me as he looked into my eyes, playing with my hair making
those mesmerizing sounds. I felt a hot sting under the covers of my bed and
hissed.
“Did I cause some discomfort there?” Cole asked me smiling amused.
“It wasn’t all you some of that was me thinking about things,” I answered, “Too
soon.”
“What were you thinking about?” Cole asked me.
I looked at Pat and smiled shaking my head. God that had been amazing the
feeling of being a part of him. Of being connected so deeply it felt like his
body was made to fit mine, like we were made to be together.
Pat laughed and then coughed, “It wouldn’t be like that you realize? If they
did make us do that.”
I sighed sadly, “I know.”
“What was it like by the way? I never asked for details,” Cole said smiling,
“Like who was on top?”
“Cole, I already told you I’m not going to tell you that,” Pat said shaking his
head.
“Was it Pat? Because Pat hates being bottom but, for you. I bet you could talk
him into anything,” Cole said.
“What?” I asked, “I didn’t ask him for anything. Ok? It just sort of happened.”
“Really? Is that a yes?” Cole asked his smirk growing.
“I have nothing to say on the matter,” I added, “I don’t think anything about
my birthday well be enjoyable.”
“Probably not,” Pat admitted giving me a sad look, “I’ll be there though I’m
sure. Either after or during I promise.”
“I know you will, both of you will I’m sure,” I said.
“Yeah,” Cole agreed, “Otherwise how are you doing with you know everything?”
“Apparently I’m fine just the stitches need to heal up. I got lucky,” I
answered.
“I bet you that’s the last time they make you gold,” Cole muttered.
“Would it be worse to be one of the others?” I asked.
“Yellow,” Pat said.
“Black,” Cole muttered at the same time the words getting mixed together.
“I got to watch some TV while I was in the hospital. They made a Buffy spin off
Angel. Did you guys know about that?” I asked them.
“Yeah it’s not bad actually a lot better then what they have doing with Buffy
Angel is hot though so…” Cole said.
“Of course, you would think he’s hot. He’s tall dark and handsome as a bunch of
people say. I personally think he’s a sissy though, I mean he whines and broods
an awful lot,” Pat said.
“I don’t know I didn’t think he was whinny he did brood however, But I mean how
old can a guy be before everything just looks bleak and unhappy? And he’s a
vampire with a soul who apparently killed millions and now he lives with those
memories of all the pain he caused when he was soulless,” I answered.
“Yeah, he’s soulless he had an excuse for torturing people for fun,” Cole
sighed, “I still think he’s sexy.”
“Like I said you would,” Pat said back laughing.
“It’s not a bad show to be honest,” I said, “Cordelia Chase is on it you know
that cheerleader girl.”
“Now she’s hot,” Pat said and I nodded my head in agreement.
“God besides each other you two really are straight, aren’t you?” Cole said
shaking his head.
“What she’s cute she’s tiny all those perfect curves those prefect tits that I
would really love to see tan, dark long hair. She’s amazing,” Pat said.
“She is very very hot,” I agreed.
“Do you think you have a thing for Pat because of…you know?” Cole asked
quietly.
“Because of my life? My experience? I think it’s more his personality even
though he does have a very nice body,” I answered and looked over at Pat
noticing a slight pink breaking out on his face.
“Apparently Pat is going to be all shy about that,” Cole said.
“Well it’s different when someone you actually care about says it then…,” Pat
coughed lightly, “Anyway so you’ve spent most of the past two days in bed?”
“Yeah pretty much. No one has really bothered me I got brought good night moon
around 8:30 and read to Andy Laura and Cat and James for a bedtime story but
otherwise just the bathroom and mum or Alice bring me ice packs every couple of
hours to help with bruising and what not,” I said.
“Did you explain to them what happened?” Cole asked me.
“I didn’t have to, Alice won’t ask and mum I’m pretty sure talked to Da about
it so…no questions at least not yet thank god,” I said.
“Do you even remember what happened?” Cole asked me, “Like what was he doing
exactly?”
“Cole don’t ask him that,” Pat scolded, “Does he ask you what happened at the
Villa when you end up going? No don’t ask him that.”
“I’m just asking because it’s weird ok and it seems like it would be super
painful did you faint? Did it fucking hurt?” He asked me.
“Well yeah. I don’t know what it was but I didn’t feel so great obviously and I
don’t know if I feel asleep or checked out of what but he apparently decided he
wanted a response so he grabbed and squeezed. It was this like someone popping
a zit that really hurts only a billion times worse and then I passed out,” I
answered.
“You think it was the pain?” Cole asked.
“Yeah pretty sure,” I answered.
“Well, you’ve passed out before so I was just wondering,” he said.
“Well, it felt kind of different like faster. Like when it’s from anxiety I can
almost feel it coming or from lack of air or whatever but, this it just hit me
it just like kind of boom, out nowhere as soon as the pain hit,” I replied.
“So, they said in time for your birthday pretty much next week?” Pat asked me.
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.
Just then there was a light knock on the door and I told them they could come
in and it was Will holding Mac. I sighed but smiled I loved my brothers I loved
all of my siblings and was happy to see them but usually Will didn’t bring a
baby to me unless something was wrong.
“What’s wrong?” I asked trying to get out of bed before Pat put his hand in the
middle of my chest to keep me from getting up.
“Hank’s here and I don’t know Debbie’s not here today so Alice is busy and mum
is busy too so I just…” Will mumbled.
“Yeah, I’ll take him,” I said holding out my hands but Pat grabbed him before I
could sit up enough.
“Hey there man, what’s up?” He said which caused Mac to giggle and make baby
sounds.
“I mean that’s something we should be worried about, right? Hank?” Will
questioned.
“For him? Yeah,” I answered.
“What would he do to him?” Will asked me, “I mean like I know you can but why
would he?”
“Oh, he won’t right now. He’s still paying for him. He can’t cash in until he’s
all paid up,” Pat said, “And we’re trying to keep that from happening aren’t we
buddy?”
“How? When?” I asked confused.
“Well they have a jar and it’s where they keep that money. For…that type of
stuff. I can only take out 10 or 20 dollars at a time but I keep taking it and
putting it in my piggy bank. It won’t stop it from happening but it will slow
it down. Give him more time.” Pat told me.
“That’s dangerous, isn’t it? I mean Arthur is very…” Will was cut off by Cole.
“Art is my Dad. We live with him we both know what he’s like. Trust me Will we
realize how dangerous it is but, look at him. A beating or two when he finds
out we’re stealing from them in order to give Mac some more time without that.
It’s worth it. All of them are worth it don’t you agree?” Cole answered.
“Yeah but they aren’t yours,” I said.
“They might as well be,” Pat said, “Look I lost Charlie because I was young. I
was stupid. I left Charlie with him alone and that will never happen again. If
I can keep Dad from being alone with any little boy I will. That includes these
guys and any of the other ones I can protect.”
“Did you run into that little boy at the Villa by any chance you guys?” I
asked.
“Alex? Yeah,” Pat said quietly, “I was in the hallway I only saw him for a
second but it was…,” Pat sighed heavily and made this snorting noise,
“horrible.”
He held Mac closer. Like he was trying to protect him from the mere idea of
Hank from the idea of what Hank wanted to do to him. Mac giggled happily
grabbing Pat’s hair before pulling lightly on his lip ring.
“Ouch Mac, don’t do that silly,” He said unhooking Mac’s baby hands from it and
then kissing his fingers, “I’m going to eat your hands, num num num,”
This made Mac laugh harder and Cole and I smiled before I exchanged a brief
glance with him. Seeing Alex that little boy from the last time we were at the
Villa had really shaken him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he saw, what
had upset him so much but I was afraid to ask, afraid to know what it meant.
“I know Alex, I mean the twins probably know him better but I know him. He
seems ok considering,” Will said, “I mean he had some nasty bites but otherwise
he’s ok. He told me Hank was like taking a break that at least he didn’t shove
needles in his balls.”
“WHAT!” Pat asked his eyes going wide practically popping out of his head.
“He said at home his Dad shoves needles in his scrotum,” Will said, “He’s not
the first guy whose told me their Da does that.”
“That poor kid,” Pat said closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.
“He’s ok really,” Will said trying to assure us that Alex was fine.
“And what about you?” I asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what the
Villa was like for you.”
Will got quiet and wouldn’t look me in the eyes before he shrugged his
shoulders, “I’m here now, all right?”
“Will don’t be brave,” Cole said, “I know you need to talk things out because
that’s how you work. And there is nothing wrong with that.”
“This guy,” Will said quietly barely loud enough for anyone to hear, “He made
me wear girl stuff and he was weird. He put these things on my chest and it
hurt. He also put this sleeve on my arms and put it around my neck so I
couldn’t move my arms. I didn’t…it made it really hard so I don’t want to talk
about it yet.”
“That’s something they don’t usually let them do to anyone under 14,” Pat
commented staring at him, “Who was it? Do you know his name?”
“No,” Will shook his head, “He wasn’t very nice he kept saying mean stuff.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Just mean stuff,” Will said biting his bottom lip a far-off look in his eyes
like he was thinking about it.
“It’s not anything I haven’t heard before if you want to tell me,” Cole
offered, “Get it out of your head.”
Will nodded his head and came over to sit next to Cole leaning into his ear
cupping his hands as he whispered something. Cole’s eyes went wide and he shook
his head.
“That’s not true Will. He said that to make you feel bad ok? Trust me it’s not
true at all. You remember when your mom caught us making out? You remember how
shy you were about that? What he said you were people like that aren’t shy
about it at all. They aren’t shy about anything,” Cole said.
“What?” I asked.
Will couldn’t look me in the eye his cheeks flushing, “He told me to take it
like a …like a good little whore.”
“Oh Will,” I said holding out my arms for him and he hugged me.
“I mean I’m not one, right? Just because Da and Uncle Ben and all of them… that
doesn’t make me one, right?”
“You’re not a whore,” I assured him, “You’re not.”
“You are very far from a whore Will,” Pat agreed, “You’re not anything close
you know how many people I’ve been with? A lot if anyone in this room is a
whore it’s probably me.”
Pat laughed sadly.
“None of us are I think,” Cole said, “Ok maybe me because yeah I did kind of
have a thing going with like three guys for a while after Justin died. I mean
like I wanted it to happen type of deal but, I don’t know.”
“You were grieving. Grief does weird shit to people,” Pat commented.
“I know I was,” Cole said, “Justin would have hated me for it though. He was
always so about self-respect. He would have said you’re not respecting yourself
Cole why can’t you respect yourself as much as I do?”
“What was Justin like personality wise?” Will asked.
“Angry a little bit near the end. He was so pissed that they could sign us off
to each other on pieces of paper like it was nothing but we weren’t allowed to
be with the person we wanted to be with. That we weren’t supposed to love each
other. To want to be with each other. His Dad once told him I was his
competition. That he was competing against me and all the other boys for the
richest guy in the club because if he did catch his eye he could get into
school anywhere, live anywhere. Do anything he wanted. That his dreams could
come true. When all Justin really wanted was me,” Cole answered.
“Who is the richest guy in the club?” Will asked, “I mean I’ve seen Da’s
portfolio and the number is high but I haven’t seen anyone else’s.”
“Well, now it would be your Da,” Cole answered, “At least that’s what the rumor
is.”
“Really? We’re not that rich,” I said.
“Yeah, we kind of are,” Will said.
“How much did you see?” Pat asked.
“I can’t tell you 100% but from looking at assets plus money in all the banks
somewhere north of 600,” Will answered.
“Million?” Pat asked.
“Yeah,” Will answered, “John you do realize we own four different houses in the
US here alone. That’s not counting the apartment Da has in New York. The London
Townhouse, the family estate on mum’s side in Ireland the vacation house in
Spain or the one in Italy that we have never been to.”
“We haven’t been to most of those,” I answered, “Do I know they exists? Yes,
but I never really thought about it.”
“Well you figure the ones in Spain and Italy and Ireland have horses and maids,
and butlers and cooks and cars and everything else. It costs a lot of money to
keep an estate running even if you’re not there to use anything on it,” Will
said.
“I don’t get it why on earth are you living here in. I mean why if you could
live someplace like Italy?” Pat asked.
“I don’t know,” I answered.
“It has to do with his job I think. Lord wants him here. And mum wants to be
where we are and he wouldn’t let us live somewhere he wasn’t at least not for
very long,” Will answered.
“We were in boarding school in London for years and we weren’t living with him
then,” I pointed out.
“No, we went home on weekends. Think about it. We have never lived without him
besides Montana. And I read his emails. He paid for Uncle Ben to travel around
to where ever because mum threatened that if she ever saw him again she would
go to the cops. Da was in this crazy therapy. That’s how he meant Lord. That’s
how we ended up here,” Will answered, “Did you know?”
“No,” I said shaking my head, “He said something about him getting help once
but I didn’t know what that meant.”
“It meant he was supposed to be seeing a therapist because mum knew. That’s why
only us were sent away to boarding school. It wasn’t just because of our ages.
You know how hard it was for mum to find a school to take all four of us?
Especially when Mikey and Matty were only 5 or 6? It was because she knew,”
Will said harshly.
“Yeah, I told her,” I said, “You don’t remember that I told her. I did. I told
her what Uncle Ben was doing to me and when she asked me about Da I said he
would be mad at me. I didn’t say no or yes but that he would be mad at me.”
“That’s when we were little little though. I’m talking about what he did to
you. What Uncle Ben did to you that you never wanted to tell her. That you told
her because I saw it. I’m talking about that,” Will said.
“Will,” I sighed, “She knew and he promised he’d get help so he got help. I
didn’t think that meant…”
“What that he wouldn’t find other people like him in a group therapy for people
like him? Are you kidding me? He never got better he never stopped ok?” Will
said.
“It wasn’t as bad. It was weird ok but it’s not like he was…It wasn’t every
weekend.”
“Not for you. You and mum would pass out. Who do you think that left? And mum
was always tired and always pregnant. You were a dead sleeper back then.”
“Will, what are you saying?” I asked him.
“Don’t make me…” I cut him off.
“No, what are you saying?” I asked him.
“It was me ok? It was me. He’d come to me. He’d lay in bed with me and he’d
touch me. And it scared me so bad. Half the time I was convinced he wasn’t the
same person at night that he was during the day. That’s the only way I could
explain to myself why he would do that. Why he would make me lay down with my
legs together and he would…”
Will trailed off going silent because he didn’t want to cry. I rubbed his head.
I had no idea. I had shared a room with him the whole entire time we lived in
that townhouse and I had no idea. I felt like someone had just dropped a brick
on my head. Where London had been a little better for me it had been a
nightmare for him. One that he had never told me about.
“I’m so sorry,” I said quietly, “Will I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t know because I never told you,” he said, “Because I knew what he
was probably doing to you was worse.”
“Like I said it wasn’t all the time,” I answered as Pat and Cole watched us
silently.
“My Dad never didn’t do it as far as I know,” Pat answered, “And mum she looked
the other way. He didn’t really go all the way with it until she left though.
Until after Charlie.”
“Me it was after mom died,” Cole said.
There was a knock on the door and mum opened it smiling at us, “You are two
staying for supper?” She asked both Cole and Pat.
“No, I think we’re going,” Pat said standing up and Cole followed him leaving
motioning with his hand that he would call me later as I nodded my head.
Mum noticed how Will was hugging me. How I was comforting him, “Is everything
ok?” Mum asked.
“Yeah we’re fine. Everything ok we were all just talking,” I answered.
“About what?” Mum asked curiously, “Will doesn’t do this so what’s…”
“Mum, please. Trust me we’re fine,” I said again my eyes pleading with her to
drop it. To let me comfort my brother after the stuff he had just told me.
“I’m your mum you two can tell me anything,” she said, “Please tell me what
this is about?”
“London,” Will mumbled into my shoulder.
“What love?” Mum asked him as she shut the door behind her.
“London,” he said louder his face still buried in my shoulder.
“What about London?” Mum asked sounding confused.
“When we lived in London apparently while you and I were asleep he’d come into
our bedroom, my bedroom and Will’s bedroom. And he’d do things to him,” I said
as Will clinged tighter to me, “Hey, it’s ok. It’s ok. I said it, ok? You don’t
have to hold it in any more, all right? Don’t worry about it.”
“He couldn’t have been. He was always in bed when I went to bed and when I woke
up. He couldn’t have been doing that,” Mum said making me flip a lid.
“You know how many times he did stuff to me when we lived here and you didn’t
know? Because he went to sleep with you and woke up with you? It doesn’t take
that long mum. It really doesn’t. He used to just do what he wanted and then
leave ok? It wasn’t always like it is now,” I hissed.
“You’re right. I’m sorry Will. I wasn’t saying you were lying ok? I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean to make it sound like I didn’t believe you,” she said.
“You really have no idea how horrible it is do you? Really? Him coming into
your room at night and making you…we can’t say no to him. We’re not allowed to
say no to him. He gets so mad if we say no mum. He’ll punch me in the ribs or
chest or side. He’ll choke me sometimes if I ever say no. You think he wouldn’t
do the same thing to him? You know how old I was the first time Da touched me?
He says I was too young to remember. How do you know he didn’t the same thing
to everyone else?” I asked her.
“That’s not true your uncle touched you first you told me,” she said.
“He told me otherwise,” I said, “In a room full of people who then blind folded
me and raped me.”
I felt Will stiffen in my arms shocked by what I had just said. I hushed him
patting his back soothingly. It wasn’t his fault. He was shocked because it was
something I didn’t talk about. Especially with him. What they did to me once
the door was closed and it was just me and them.
“How did I not know?” She asked quietly.
“Because you saw what you wanted to?” I suggested shrugging my shoulders.
“I think you’re right. Until I got back here and realized how bad things were,
I thought he was different. That he was better. I’m sorry I did this to you,”
she said.
“You didn’t do it mum,” Will said finally letting go of me, “It was him. It’s
always been him. Did you know he met Mr. Lord in London? When he was in
treatment for his problem?”
“What?” She asked her mouth dropping wide open, “Mr. Lord is…? John? Why didn’t
you say anything?”
“Because it’s embarrassing?” I suggested, “To admit someone that old and ugly
and weak has done that to you.”
“He’s a grown man and 60 isn’t that old. You might think it is but it’s not
honey,” Mum said, “How are you supposed to defend yourself against a 60-year-
old man when you’re a 13-year-old boy?”
I shrugged my shoulders. Not wanting to think about it, to talk about it. He
had only touched me the one time maybe twice. Otherwise he was with someone
else. Will or Mikey or James.
“He likes younger guys mum,” Will said.
“What do you mean?” She asked him.
“He huh, I’m above his age range,” I answered.
“I don’t understand. Are you saying when he comes over he’s not touching you
but he’s touching someone else?” She asked us.
Will sighed, “Hold on mum,” he said getting up and leaving the room.
“What’s going on John?” She asked me, “What do you mean your above his age
range?”
“Pat said that people like Da have ages that they prefer,” I answered, “That
some of them like younger guys. Younger then me and Will. Mr. Lord is one of
those guys who likes spending time with kids’ mum, real kids.”
“You mean like Mikey and Matty’s age or…” She was cut off as the door opened
Will coming into the room with all three of them.
“Tell mum guys,” Will encouraged it’s ok.
“Da said we weren’t supposed to talk about it,” Mike said quietly.
“Tell her,” Will said again, “It’s ok you’re not in trouble. Tell her who comes
to see you sometimes.”
“No,” Mike shook his head, “No.”
“It’s not a big deal,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders, “It doesn’t always
hurt. It only hurt the first time.”
“What did?” Mum asked quietly and I could see that she feared the answer before
she asked the question.
“When Mr. Lord did what Da does. When he stuck it inside me to make sure I was
growing right. That I felt right inside,” Matty said simply.
Mum clapped a hand over her mouth and ran into the bathroom before slamming the
door shut and I could hear her gagging from inside. She was throwing up. I
don’t know if she was throwing up because of how unconcerned Matt had seemed
when he said it or because of what he had said. Because he had admitted he was
raped. That he had been raped by someone my mum had thought was a good man.
When she was done throwing up she flushed the toilet and came out her face wet
with water from the sink, “Ok,” she said clearing her throat, “So Mr. Lord
raped you?”
“What’s rape?” Mikey asked quietly.
“Well it’s when someone puts something in your butt or vagina if you have one
and you don’t want them to. You tell them no and they do it anyway,” Will
explained to Mikey.
“I don’t want to talk about it. We’re not supposed to talk about it. Da says it
upsets mum,” Mike said.
“It hurt,” James said speaking for the first time in the whole conversation,
“It hurt but only really bad the first time. Worse than when Da did it. But
after John told me it was ok. He made sure they left me alone. He keeps us safe
mum. Don’t be mad at him.”
“Love why do you think I’d be mad at John?” Mum asked.
“Because you always look at him like that. Like he did something wrong. Like
he’s bad but he’s not bad he’s nice. He’s good he’d never hurt us,” James said.
“Like what?” Mum asked.
“Like you hate him,” James answered, “He’d never hurt us.”
“I don’t hate John honey. I love John just like I love you,” she said to him.
I sighed. I wanted to believe it was true that she loved me, but the fact that
again I wasn’t the only one who noticed the way something appeared to be shook
me slightly. Shook me into believing that maybe James was right maybe she did
hate me. And she’d probably hate me even more when she realized everything I
had done. Everything I had let them do.
“Mum doesn’t hate me,” I assured him, “Mum loves all of us very much.”
“Thank you, John,” Mum said, “Speaking of, John what do you want to do for your
birthday? We can do anything you like. We could have a pool party invite some
of your classmates over. Do it on Friday invite some young ladies over too.”
“Well I know Celia and Delia and Ellen and I’m sure they know some other
girls,” I answered, “I’d be ok with that.”
“Cool I’ll set it up then,” Mum said, “Pizza are you thinking or you want to do
more of a tea meal?”
“Pizza is fine. Everyone likes pizza,” I answered.
“Ok, we’ll set it up. Just you and your friends outside in the pool area.” she
said.
“Why can’t I come?” Will asked frowning.
“You can,” I told him.
I mean I might have still thought of him has my baby brother and a kid but I
had stuck my dick in that kid at least twice so he deserved some respect for
that. I didn’t mind having him hang out with my friends and me. That and he was
mature for his age.
“Are you sure you’re ok with that John? I mean these are going to be your
friends, high school kids,” Mum said.
“Yeah, it’s fine. Will knows a lot of them,” I answered, “And he’s mature. You
know he’s mature and he’s smart as hell. He knows thing I don’t know.”
“Language,” Mum said, “As long as you’re ok with it. Because this is your
party.”
“Yeah, it’s good mum,” I answered.
“Ok,” she said, “I’ll help you build a list, right? Now Cole and Patrick
obviously and these girls right, Delia and Celia. Anyone else?”
“Yeah Dom and Adam, invite Alec and Alec too and Ellen. Someone else I can’t
remember their …. oh! Talya. Dom would love it if Talya was there,” I said, “I
can send out emails mum it’s no big.”
“You sure?” Mum asked me.
“Yeah mum. I have emails and if I don’t have them someone else does all right?”
I assured her, “I’ll take care of it.”
 
And that was the start of my party. My party for me. My celebration of the
little freedoms I was afforded. I actually went downstairs later that day to
send out the emails all excited for my party when I heard a knock on the office
door as I was sending an email to Brodric to let him know about the party.
“Come in,” I said typing at the computer.
“Hey baby,” Da said and I felt my body freeze cold.
***** Chapter 47 *****
Chapter Summary
     Leo and Da talk about John's party and give him an ultimatum either
     invite Rich or don't have one at all. Will tells mum what he thinks
     of sharing their expierences with her acting very un-Will like.
Chapter Notes
     993 to 1012. You're nearing the end of part 2 only 100 something
     pages left of part 2. Now you understand why updates on this have
     slowed down to every other week while I'm posting like crazy for
     Will. Because I don't have that much written for John's part 3.
     Warnings: rape/non-con, mental health issues, disagreements, anxiety,
     self-esteem issues
“Da,” I said.
“Did you forget you spend weekends with Leo? It’s going to be your first
weekend off of restriction and your first weekend of break you think he’s going
to let that go?” Da reminded me.
“It’s my birthday Da. Can’t you talk to him, ask him if he’ll let me just this
once Da please?” I asked him.
“Ask him yourself,” he said, “I’m sure you could work something out with him.”
“Da please? I’m turning 14,” I told him.
“Yeah and your birthday celebration, the one that matters is getting pushed
back until after Christmas because Leo wants to take you somewhere for new
year’s. So, that’s when we’re going to have that celebration,” Da told me.
“Can you at least tell me what’s going to happen?” I asked him.
“Well, instead of blowing out 14 candles…” he said with a smirk, “Nah I’m not
going to tell you. That would ruin the fun.”
“You were going to make a bad pun; let me guess. Instead of blowing out 14
candles 14 people are going to blow my candle? Nice Da, real nice. the one
thing that I can’t fucking stand and that’s how you’re going to make me …” I
shook my head.
“It won’t be bad. You’ll be healed and it will take over a week so it won’t be
torture. It won’t be like the Villa or like the parties here. It will be nice
and slow ok?” He said to me.
“Da that’s not very nice ok? It’s just not,” I said quietly shaking my head
still finishing my email before I got up, “Can you please move? I want to
leave.”
“I don’t have to be nice. I’m your Da,” he told me, “Was that your way of
saying no? Because you know how I feel about that baby.”
“Like you would let me say that? Let me tell you that? I know better,” I
admitted to him, “Please just let me leave.”
“Come here,” he said coming towards me causing me to back up again but not
before he grabbed me by the wrist pulling me to him.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him I was done with him, with Leo. I
didn’t want to do this anymore. I was 14. I deserved to be happy, to feel ok.
To be a normal teenager with normal teenage feelings. I deserved to worry about
popping random boners in math class without my teacher noticing and wanting to
feel me up or eyeing my crotch. I deserved to have crushes and worry about
kissing who I wanted to when I wanted to.
But I wasn’t that boy. I wasn’t a normal teenager and I never would be. I was a
teenager whose father sold him to other guys to fuck. I was the teenager who
got his first blow job when he was six and had anal sex for the first time when
he was 8. I was the teenage boy who had never masturbated because he wasn’t
allowed to. Whose first kiss had been a French kiss from his own Da. I was that
kid. The freak, the whore the disgusting slut. That’s who I was.
“Hey, it’s ok,” he said burying his head in my neck, “God you’re getting so
tall. I swear you’re taller every time I hug you.”
“Da please,” I told him his hands traveling down my sides, “I’m not supposed to
yet.”
“I can’t do anything in the front doesn’t mean I can’t get off,” he told me
rubbing my butt through my sweat pants.
“Da please,” I begged him as he kissed hard into my neck biting the collar of
my shirt along with my skin as I started to struggle against him.
“We can take this to the guest room, make it quick,” he said and I felt him
smile against my neck.
“Da please,” I said, “Please I really don’t…”
He cut me off grabbing my shoulder tightly pulling me away so he could look at
me, “You didn’t just say don’t did you? Listen to me; you might be 14 but you
are far from being in charge. You understand me? You don’t say I can’t do
anything. You’re lucky I don’t bend you over that desk and spank you. You’re
lucky I want a bed.”
I felt my eyes stinging. I didn’t want to do this and I was trying to tell him
I really didn’t want to do this and yet he had taken it that way. After he had
told me that I needed to clear my party with Leo even though it was the day
after my birthday. That he was going to take me somewhere and let 14 guys have
sex with me in order to celebrate the fact that I was 14. That 14 different
guys were going to hold me down as I tried to figure out whether they wanted me
to scream and cry and beg them to stop or moan like I enjoyed it or be silent.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’m sorry Da. I didn’t mean it like that. Let’s just…ok?”
“Yeah,” he said grabbing me hard by the butt forcing me up off the ground where
I had no choice but to wrap my legs around his waist as his lips found mine
kissing me harshly, fast his tongue wrestling with mine.
He used the wall to support us for a minute in the hallway, his hands starting
to move up my shirt. Me starting to freak out. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t
what I wanted. This wasn’t ok.
He managed to get me into the bedroom and dropped me on the bed yanking my
pants and boxers off and I decided to do something I had never done before. I
decided to fight as hard as I could because I didn’t want him inside of me. I
didn’t want him doing that to me. This wasn’t ok. This was very far from ok.
When I looked up he was naked as he pulled at the hem of my shirt again. I
grabbed it trying to pull it back down, “Da please.” I said.
“Baby you just said you would. You know I won’t hurt you. It’ll be fun ok? You
make me feel good. on Wednesday when you’re in the clear I’ll make you feel
good ok?”
“Da,” I said shaking my head trying to pull my shirt out of his hands kicking
out at him trying to kick him in the crotch.
“Oh, we’re not playing that game baby,” he said shaking his head, “You want to
fight I’ll restrain you. You want that? You think you’re big enough to fight
me?”
He got up trying to roll me over grabbing me by the back of the neck forcing my
face down into the mattress as I kicked and tried to grab his arm. But I
couldn’t. He rolled me like I was nothing pinning my legs between his knees
before I felt his hand came down hard on my ass making me flitch just the sound
of skin against skin. He did it again harder this time I felt the smack move up
my spine.
“Look at that ass bounce, you have such a nice ass,” he said hitting it again
harder making me bite my lips together to keep from screaming out, “Really nice
ass baby.”
He kept spanking me until it was red and raw and then his kissed my spine and
the base of my neck, “It’s been a long time since we’ve done anything from this
angle hasn’t it baby? God, I love your perfect little body.”
I threw my elbow out and managed to catch him in the side or someplace else
before he grabbed both my arms and slammed them into the mattress squeezing the
top of my hands as he pushed them down pushing his body weight against my back
rubbing his hardness against the small of my back making me squirm as I let out
a wordless growl.
“So, going to be tough now that you think you’re a big boy? You might be a year
older but you’re still mine, this,” he said squeezing my wrist making the bones
grind, “Is mine, this,” he said grabbing the back of my neck and putting
pressure there before he pulled his hand away and bit and started sucking on
it, “Is mine, these…” He said kissing the back of my shoulders and I felt my
face go red with embarrassment as I kept struggling wanting him to stop.
“Are mine, this…” he said shifting his weight and licking down my spine, down
the center of my back, “Is mine. And this,” he said his tongue going lower
dipping past the small of my back and into my ass crack his tongue circling my
asshole as I bit my lips together starting to cry, “Is mine and I’m going to
use it anytime I want to for whatever I want to you understand me? I don’t care
how old you are, I don’t care if you’re fucking married if I want it you’re
going to let me have it you understand me?”
He spit into his hand forcing his fingers inside and then pulled them out
before he shoved himself inside of me the push into me tearing making me
scream. I felt the blood started to slick my insides making it hurt less,
making it rip and stick less as he moaned on top of me. He didn’t even car that
he was hurting me. He kept telling me how good I felt. That was what hurt the
most.
“That’s it baby oh yeah. You’re my little cum slut aren’t you baby, want me to
fill you with my cum? That’s it baby, god you feel so good,” he muttered
kissing the back of my neck again before he climaxed his sperm mixing with my
blood inside of me making me feel slimy and gross and then he got off of me,
hugging me close to him making me stay with him as he grabbed the phone on the
night stand.
“Lionel? Yeah, it’s me I won’t be returning to work today. I need to give some
attention to someone. Yeah, no, he thinks because his birthday is soon and he
has some stitches he can be a brat so I had to be a little rough. I think he
needs some time with me. Yeah, no I understand. Right, why do you think I don’t
take real vacation days that often? Yeah, I’ll come in tomorrow earlier that’s
fine, yeah, I understand thanks,” Da said and hung up.
I laid there crying. Because I was sore. Because I was hurt. Because he thought
what I was pretty sure everyone else knew. That I was a slut. That, the only
thing I mattered for was the fact I had a hole to stick it into and a dick to
suck cum out of. Cum that tasted sweet. All I was good for was sex. Sex I
didn’t want and I didn’t ask for and most of the time down right begged and
pleaded so I didn’t have to have it.
“I know you don’t understand what that was for but, you can’t do that to me ok?
You can’t say no to me, you can’t behave like that you understand? I love you
but, I can’t have that. You obey me just like I ask your mother and your
brothers and sisters to obey me,” he said hugging me to his chest.
“I get it,” I said quietly making sure I didn’t move or struggle. Making sure I
didn’t do anything that would appear like I was fighting back, like I was
trying to disobey him.
“Good, I didn’t mean to hurt you baby I’m sorry ok? I love you, I meant
everything I said. I love your body,” he said running a hand down my side and
over my hip, “God I wish I hadn’t of been so rough because then we could both
really enjoy ourselves. Should I call Dr. Palmer to have him just check you
out?”
“No,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t think it’s too bad. I think I’ve been
through worse.”
“Oh, I’m sure you have. I’ve never received doubles but it seems like it
hurts,” Da said.
“Da I don’t…” He cut me off.
“Want to talk about it? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” he told me
rubbing my back looking at me closely, “When you do that you’re helping me.
You’re helping me with work, with social arrangements, investments and you’re
helping yourself. You’re helping yourself with future connections that are
going to get you into Oxford or Harvard or Brown, or Yale. You could get into
any school you wanted because of these people if you impress the right ones.
Have any career you wanted.”
“What if I don’t want to go to university Da? What if I want to own a cattle
ranch?” I asked him.
“One you’re not owning a cattle ranch. You’re going to university. There’s no
discussion about it and two if you wanted to maybe one of these guys would
invest in that cattle ranch dream of yours. I know at least two that if one had
the money they’d fight to invest in your cattle ranch,” Da said smiling.
“Yeah, funny,” I said.
“Well, he likes you. Hank does. Did you know he fought over contracting you for
weeks with Leo and a couple other people? It was crazy. In the end he couldn’t
beat what Leo was offering,” Da told me.
“You mean the money I’m worth? How much is that by the way?” I asked him.
“For six months a good amount,” Da said, “That’s all you need to know.”
“I’m not allowed to know how much I’m worth?” I asked.
“Don’t take that tone with me,” he warned, “You’re priceless to me and that’s
why I don’t want to tell you. You don’t need to know how much in your trust
until you have to use it.”
“Just like we don’t need to know how much money in assets and investments and
income you have? Like we don’t need to know how much we’re going to inherit
when you and mum die?” I asked him.
“What are you talking about? We’re well off. You know we’re well off and you
will never have to worry about anything but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to
get an education or work and support yourself,” he said, “Baby where is this
coming from?”
“I don’t know Da. I just never thought about it before and it’s something that
everyone has been talking about lately, money. I want to know what it is I have
because I don’t know anything about it,” I told him.
“You don’t have anything if you want to be technical not until you’re 21. If
you’re asking how much you’re mum and I have we have enough to be comfortable.
Look when you don’t have money it’s all you ever talk about and when you do
have it you just know you have it and that you don’t have to worry about
anything. We have plenty of homes and you can have anything you want but that
doesn’t mean you don’t have to earn it. You understand?”
“Yeah, I already got that. I understand that I have to earn everything I get. I
understand that. Does earning things have to be with…with them though?” I asked
him not wanting to look at him.
“Well, it depends on if you can behave and be good. If you can be good for me
after you’re healed I’ll think about it ok? You miss it just being us? Just you
and I?” He asked me.
That’s had not been what I meant at all. I hated him more then I hated the rest
of them but not as deeply as I hated him. He had allowed someone to take my
childhood away. My innocence, something I didn’t remember having and things I
could never get back and he was doing the same thing to my siblings everyday
they were near him.
. Slowly chipping away at those things every time he looked at them, spoke to
them or allowed someone near them who wanted to hurt them. Every time he
climbed into their bed at night and touched them in ways he wasn’t supposed to.
“Maybe,” I said. It wasn’t really a lie but it could be mistaken as one. I
wasn’t admitting that I hated him. Hated what he did to me but I wasn’t saying
that I liked it either.
“Really? I thought you and Leo were getting along. He says that you meet all of
his needs and that you’re really good at it. That you are apprehensive to
entertain other people even when he gives you permission,” Da said.
“It’s because it’s something I don’t want to do. You know I don’t want to do
it. I don’t want to do it with him,” I said quietly.
“I know but like I said in the end you’ll benefit I promise,” Da repeated.
“Yeah that’s what you keep saying,” I answered.
“Don’t you remember what it was like? With Grandpa?” I asked him.
“HEY! You watch it. That’s different. I didn’t get a damn thing out of that and
you know it. It’s not the same thing,” he said to me, “Your grandpa was looking
to hurt me, your grandpa was a mean angry man who took it out on anyone that he
was around. I’m not like that to you and you know I’m not.”
“I didn’t say you were,” I told him, “I’m just saying that it doesn’t make me
feel very good ok? Having to…do those things with all those guys.”
“Baby half the time they’re more interested in your cock then your mouth. All
you have to do is lay there,” he told me.
“Yeah and spread my legs so they can…do whatever they want,” I said my eyes
starting to sting, “It hurts. It hurts that that’s all they think of me Da.
That that’s all I’m good for.”
“So, Leo is making you feel like that’s all you’re good for? You’re so much
more than that. I mean you’re really good at that but, I’ll talk to him ok?
Contracts aren’t all about that. He’s supposed to take care of your needs,” Da
said.
I nodded my head. That was bullshit. That was exactly what it was about and
every single bottom knew it. It was so some rich old asshole had a hole to
shove it in that he found attractive. It was an excuse to abuse kids under the
guise of a business arrangement.
“Good, you know what? I think I’ll call Leo right now you can ask him about
your party. You have what three days before you’re in the clear for that type
of play time and then in four days you’re 14? We’ll get it all set up all ok?”
he said dialing Leo’s number and hitting a button the cradle.
“Hello this is Dr. Swartzman how can I help you?” Leo said from the other side
of the phone. Both of them together making my anxiety sky rocket.
“Hey Leo, it’s me and John. John is turning 14 on Thursday as I’m sure you
know. So, we have a favor to ask. He wants to have a pool party on Friday after
school. It’s the first day of break the day after his birthday. So, if you
could come get him on Saturday morning instead of Friday after school that
would be great,” Da said.
“Ok, I kind of have a problem with that. I was going to take him to Ocean club.
I guess I can call and push it back two or three days since it’s a Villa
rental. But yeah, we were going to just hang on the beach do some fun things.
He’ll be able to…”
Da cut off his words, “Oh yeah for sure he’ll be cleared for that. He’s right
here if you want to talk to him.”
“Is he? Can he hear me?” Leo asked his voice getting lighter, happier at the
thought of me being able to hear him.
“Yeah he can hear you. You know him he’s just quiet,” Da answered.
“Hi beautiful how are you today?” Leo said.
I didn’t want to speak with him. I wasn’t interested in anything he had to say
or anywhere he wanted to take me. He only wanted to take me there so he could
hear me beg him to stop, to let me go and so he could ignore it.
“Say hi baby. Don’t be shy,” Da said to me.
“Hi Leo, I’m ok,” I said quietly, “How are you?”
“I miss you,” Leo answered, “You can have your party if you let Rich and couple
of his friends come ok? Does that sound fair since you’re cutting my weekend
with you short?”
“I think that sounds pretty fair. But you’re inviting girl’s, right?” Da asked
me and I nodded my head, “Yes he says Rich can come but he’ll be in mixed
company. So Rich needs to keep his more suggestive comments very quiet or to
himself. I’m sure you can understand that right Leo?”
“Yes, of course I’ll let him know. I don’t see a problem with that. He should
be able to. I know he’s older then a lot of the kids that will probably be
there but that’s why I think him bringing one or two friends would benefit
everyone,” Leo said.
“That’s fine. Isn’t it baby? In order to have your party you don’t have a
problem with any of that right?” Da asked me.
“No, it’s fine,” I lied because like they would give me any other options. I
was either going to be having the party with Dick there or I wasn’t going to
having it at all is the way they made it sound.
“Good. Well I guess I’ll see you Friday then so your Dad and I can talk about
some final travel plans for our celebration of your birthday,” Leo said.
“Yeah we’ll wait to talk about that ok? There are certain things him and I
haven’t gone over yet that I would like to be a surprise,” Da said.
“Ok then,” Leo sighed, “Ok beautiful. I’ll talk to you on Friday and maybe I
can take you home later that night ok?”
“Ok,” I answered, “Bye Leo.”
“Bye Leo I’ll see you Friday,” Da said.
“Yep,” Leo replied and then hung up the phone.
My Da turned and looked at me frowning slightly. My whole body was tingling
from just that phone call. From them talking about me, the things they wanted
to do to me being unspoken but implied. The things Dick was going to say to me
whenever I got within ear shot at my own party that I had to allow him to come
to or not have at all.
“You all right baby?” He asked me.
“Yeah,” I lied, “Yeah I’m all right I just…I’m tired. Da, can I go back
upstairs now?”
“No how about you nap here with me instead no sex just cuddles, ok? Are you
still bleeding? I know I was a little rough and I’m sorry,” he said pulling me
into his chest holding me there.
I felt like I was being squeezed to death even though he was barely holding me.
That’s not what I had meant. I had meant I was tired as in I needed a drink
which I hadn’t had besides that one beer, that I needed to wash him off my skin
and watch the water run tinged pink until I didn’t feel like a sex toy anymore.
But that’s what Da would want. He’d want me to smell like him. To stew in it.
“Da please,” I said.
“Please what,” he said starting to kiss into my neck roughly.
“Da, Da you said,” I started crying making sure I didn’t push him away.
“No, I won’t I promise. We can do it just like when you were little you
remember? You just used to close your legs and I’d just rub and it would do the
job. We can do that right? God, you taste so good. I can’t wait to be able to
make you feel good again. Taste you there. Think of it this way at least you
don’t have to worry about Leo this weekend huh?”
Hearing him say that sent that ice-cold chill pouring down my spine. I hated it
when they did that and he knew it. He knew I hated that. That it was something
I couldn’t control my response to. Not that I could control my response to
anything.
He kept kissing at my neck, pushing at me pushing me into my mattress and I
closed my eyes trying to breathe, trying to keep myself calm because I knew
there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it from happening. That just like when
I was with Leo I had to let it happen.
“God damn it!” He said loudly, “Hold on I’ll be back. It’s not fair to you so,
I’ll go take care of it unless you…want to help me out?”
He wasn’t asking me he was telling me to. That I had to. It wasn’t something he
did too often but when he wanted it just like everything else I wasn’t allowed
to say no. I nodded my head as he laid back and I put my hands around his
hardness. It felt heavy against my palm the hair feeling scratchy like it
always did. Not that I often felt it touch me anywhere but against my ass.
I sighed closing my eyes taking a deep breath before I put my mouth around it.
Trying to open my throat to keep myself from gagging on it. The taste of it
against my tongue making me feel sick. He moaned grabbing the back of my head
running his hands through my hair and then he pushed my face deeper into his
crotch as he came down my throat before he let go of his tight hold letting me
back up for air.
I swallowed. Of course, I swallowed. I’d been trained to swallow it no matter
how gross and how much it felt and tasted like salty snot from the time I was 4
years old.
“Thank you, baby,” he said kissing my forehead forcing me to lay back down with
him again, “I love you, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know, I love you too.” I said on auto pilot as there was a soft knock
on the door.
“Baby you weren’t in your office did you decide to…” Mum started to say as the
door opened Da grabbing a pillow and throwing it at me as he grabbed his shirt
and used it to cover himself.
“Dani girl,” he said, “You should wait a minute between knocking and opening
the door.”
“What were you doing with him?” She asked her eyes shifting between him and I.
“We were just talking,” he answered her.
“Just talking with both of you naked in bed together? He’s your son, our son,”
Mum nearly hissed.
“Dani girl, sweetie. You know we’ve talked about this. There isn’t anything
wrong here I’m just showing him…”
“How much you love him? He’s your son. You don’t do that with your son. With
our son, none of them understand? You keep your hands off him. You don’t do
this with him,” Mum said, “Come on sweetie.”
She held out her hand to me asking me to come with her as Da put an arm around
my waist pulling me into his chest, “He’s mine. You can go Dani. I’ll be with
you later ok?”
“John do you want to stay here with him?” She asked me.
What did I do? Did I worry about him hitting me or choking me in front of her,
hurting me because I told him no I didn’t. Or did I worry about her being angry
with me and thinking I was disgusting because I nodded my head yes even though
it wasn’t true? I wasn’t sure what to do.
“Tell her you want to stay with me or she can watch and we can do it again got
it?” He hissed into my ear quietly.
“I’ll stay,” I said not able to look her in the face. Not able to explain why
because he would hate me for it, because he would make us both suffer. Because
I wasn’t allowed to say no.
“You heard him shut the door and go,” Da said.
“Isn’t he injured though? Down there?” She asked us.
“Don’t worry we’re not doing that. We’re just having some fun right John?” Da
asked me.
“I’m ovulating,” Mum said suddenly, “You asked me to start testing so we could
start trying for another baby and I’m ovulating right now so if you want to you
should let him go upstairs.”
“Ok, just give us a minute,” Da said to which mum curtly nodded her head and
shut the door.
“Ok baby I have to be with mum now ok? But I still love you more. I’ll be
thinking of you,” He told me kissing me again on the lips before he forced his
tongue past my mouth.
I didn’t want to kiss him like that. I didn’t want any more of this, I was
done. If he was going to give me up so he could have mum I was fine with that
but I wanted it to be done. I wanted him to quit kissing me. I wanted him to
get his tongue out of my mouth to stop touching me. As I wished for that it was
like he had read my mind and pulled away his tongue finding my neck and
trailing down my collar bone, making me bite my lip because I didn’t want to
cry. I didn’t want to make a sound.
“Ok,” he said removing his lips from my skin, “You should get dressed, decent
so you’re mum and I can…”
“Yeah,” I said sitting up like someone had lit a fire under me scrambling off
the bed and grabbing my t-shirt pulling it over my head and grabbing my sweat
pants pulling them on foregoing my underwear which I didn’t see anyway and
running to the door and leaving.
I didn’t even wait for mum to say anything as I walked past her pressing the
button on the elevator hoping I didn’t have to talk to her. Holding my breath,
just wanting to go upstairs and shower it away. Shower all of it away.
“John!” Mum said loudly causing me to turn around, “Did you mean it?”
“Dani baby, you two can talk about it later,” Da called from inside the
bedroom, “Let’s get this done all right?”
“Ok I’m coming baby,” she said turning around and going into the guest suite
and shutting the door behind her.
I got into the lift. So, she really thought I wanted it. That I wanted to be
with him? To have sex with him? To let him…no NO NO. I didn’t want any of that.
Not ever. Not when I was little, not last week, not last month, last year, not
before she walked in and not after. How could she not understand I was
protecting her? That it was for her that I said yes. By the time I got out of
the lift I was crying so hard I couldn’t see what was happening.
“Jack,” James said as I flew past him and into my room slamming the door behind
me tearing off my clothes as I got into my bathroom.
A couple minutes later as I was climbing into the shower I heard a knock and I
just hoped it wasn’t uncle Ben when the door opened without waiting for a
response as I made sure I kept my tears as silent as possible.
“John?” I heard Will say causing me to sigh in relief, “Are you ok?”
“You should have seen the look on her face,” I muttered, “Cat is right she…she
hates me.”
“Who?” Will asked confused sticking his head beyond the curtain to frown at me.
“Mum,” I answered bringing my knees into my chest.
“No, she doesn’t,” Will said.
“Yes, she does. You didn’t see the look on her face when she…” I trailed off
not wanting to talk about it.
“When she what?” Will asked me.
“She walked in. He …and she walked in,” I stuttered.
“Wait when you went downstairs to do the emails. He made you do stuff? But what
about the …?” I cut Will off.
“He didn’t care. He said he wanted to get off. That it wasn’t about me,” I
said.
Will frowned and made a face like he had swallowed a lemon all at the same
time, “Ewe.”
“She really does hate me. She looked at me like I was, well I guess what I am,”
I said.
“That’s not true. She doesn’t hate you at all John. I mean it’s mum. Mum
couldn’t hate you no matter what. I think she’s mad at him for doing this to
you,” he said.
“She asked me if I wanted to leave and he made me say no. he said if I didn’t
say no to her that he would do things to me and make her watch. So, I said no
and now she hates me,” I said again quietly looking at my knees and lowering
myself to the bottom of the tub before I wrapped my arms around them my throat
getting tight as I tried not to cry.
“Maybe she just didn’t understand? Explain it to her when she comes back. She
has to know you didn’t want that,” Will said quietly frowning at me.
“No, she’s hates me Will. She does, she hates me,” I insisted as the
realization hit me. She wanted me to be with him, with them so no one else had
to. She wanted me to do things with them so they would leave everyone else
alone. She hated me, she really hated me.
“John, John it’s ok. She doesn’t hate you. I swear she doesn’t hate you,” Will
said as my bedroom door was thrown open mum coming into the bedroom.
“John, I don’t hate you,” Mum said having apparently overheard that part of our
conversation, “But why?”
She frowned her lips a thin line of concern and confusion as she looked at me.
Her eyes more sad and hurt than angry. She wanted to understand. She wanted to
know why.
“He would hurt you. The worst way he could if I would have gone with you,” I
said.
“There is nothing he can do to me that would hurt me as much as knowing he’s
doing that to you, to any of you,” she answered, “If I would have left you in
that room he would have done whatever it was he was doing again and I couldn’t
stand that thought.”
“He was going to do it in front of you!” I nearly shouted, “Mum you can’t…I
can’t…it’s bad enough everyone knows let alone someone seeing it.”
“Honey you think I would let him do that to you in front of me? Never. That
would never happen. I would claw his fucking eyes out of his head. Sometimes I
just want to on principal. Did you know I tried to kill him before we left for
Montana? I gave him an overdose of sleeping pills before he left for New York
he was sick for days you remember?” She asked me.
Will and I both shook our heads. I didn’t remember that at all. I remembered
him saying he was busy with work too busy with work to spend time with us but I
didn’t remember him being sick.
“Yeah, he could barely keep his eyes open when it didn’t work was when we took
off. We were going to be taking off either way but, I wanted him dead so he
couldn’t come after you. After any of you,” She said.
“You know how Da thinks of him,” Will said suddenly catching all the attention
in the room, “Da will always go after him first and foremost. You know it and I
know it and so do the babies mum. Everyone knows how Da feels about him. Even
Catty knows. I’m pretty sure Andy and Laura know too they just don’t understand
it yet.”
“What do you mean Catty knows?” She asked him.
“When Pat and John sat down with her and explained some stuff to her she said
you mean how Da loves you? To him…not how Da love mum but John. She
understands,” Will told her, “We all understand mum and we know it’s wrong. It
kills him.”
Will looked at me angry tears fighting to free themselves from his tear ducts.
He knew how badly it hurt me. To know that Da didn’t see me the way he should.
That Da wanted more from me then what he wanted from everyone else. That Da
wanted me to feel things for him romantically, things I couldn’t feel for
anyone. Things I couldn’t imagine myself feeling for anyone but Pat.
“Don’t lie about it mum. You can’t lie about it anymore,” Will said and mum
sighed drawing a hand back through her hair that was hanging loose and wild
down her shoulders, the curls cascading down her back like a red waterfall over
the top of a cliff.
“Ok,” she said nodding her head, “Ok. Don’t say yes to him though. Not ever.”
“Mum,” I said quietly, “I’m not allowed to say no. You know how he is with
school work, with chores? How when he says do it we have to do it then and
there. There are no arguments, no discussions, no nothing. He’s that way with
everything. I say no he hurts. He makes sure it hurts he chokes me.”
“He chokes you?” She asked her frown deepening.
“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “It hurts. Ok? I can lay there and…” My words
faltered trying to explain it to her. Why it seemed like I was ok with it
happening. Why it seemed like it was something I wanted when I hated it and it
made me want to flay myself.
“He can either let it happen or he can get bruised and beaten on top of it,”
Will finished for me quietly.
“He does that to you too?” Mum asked him.
“Sometimes,” Will answered, “Sometimes it’s just easier to try and go away in
your head then to deal with the healing bruises and bite marks mum.”
“He is always like that?” She asked choking on her words, “Is he always that
violent?”
“Isn’t he with you?” Will asked her.
“We’re not discussing my sex life,” Mum said.
“But it’s ok for you to discuss ours? Because that’s exactly what he thinks of
it. You know and we know it mum. It might be forced, it might be rape but he
doesn’t see it that way. If he does he doesn’t care,” Will said, “So why it is
ok for you to ask us these questions and not ok for us to ask you?”
“Because your young men and I’m your mother,” she said.
“Yeah but we’re all fucking the same person, at least one of them is the same
person,” Will pointed out.
“Will…” Mum warned him before he cut her off.
“You know how hypocritical it is for you to come up to us and ask us how we can
do this or that or the other thing with him? What he does to us when you
yourself aren’t willing to talk about what he does to you, you can’t be willing
to sleep with him mum. You’d have to be crazy to want to have sex with him
after knowing what he does to us. You know how fucking stupid you would have to
be to actually believe he wants to be with you?”
“William that is enough!” Mum hissed at him, “What happens between your father
and I is just that, it’s between us. You’re my kids. I need to know what he’s
doing to you. I need you write it down so when the time comes…”
“News flash mum it’s not coming. The time when we can go to the police and get
him thrown into prison? That will never happen mum. We have to deal with this.
We have to figure this out. We’re stuck in this since he’s made it perfectly
clear disappearing is a lot harder then you thought it would be,” Will hissed
back.
“William Arthur Caleb Henry that is enough!” Mum barked her eyes flashing, “Go
to your room now!”
She pointed her finger at my bedroom door menacingly. I had never seen mum mad
at anyone like that before besides Da. Will was just telling the truth. He was
being honest. It didn’t make sense that she got to ask questions like that to
us but we couldn’t ask her those same questions. He had a fair point.
He shook his head and left my bedroom nearly slamming the door as he went and
she sighed looking at it sadly, “Are you ok?” She asked me.
“I’m fine mum,” I lied, “It’s not anything I’m not used to. I mean, is it?”
“That doesn’t make it ok,” she said, “Now is he always that violent?”
“Mum, I’m not going to talk about it with you ok?” I answered quietly feeling
beyond tired.
“Love I’m not asking you what he did to you only if he’s always that violent,”
she said pleading with me, “I don’t need to know what he did ok? I’m not going
to ask you that. Will is right it’s not fair I ask you boys those things and
yet I’m not willing to discuss those same things with you but does he always
threaten to hurt people to get you to do whatever it is he makes you do? Does
he always threaten to hurt you?”
“Usually it’s if I don’t he’ll go get someone else,” I answered her question
quietly, “Will, the twins, James, just someone else.”
“That’s not right. I’ll talk to him about that,” she said to me and I sighed.
“Like that is going to make anything any different?” I scoffed at her, “You
just got the most truthful and honest thing anyone one of us as ever had to say
about it this whole mess and you sent him to his room. If you want to talk to
someone about what we’re going to do, how any of this is going to get anywhere
close to being fixed, talk to Will because I’m not in the mood. I have to worry
about just surviving and how I’m going to deal with the fact that he makes me
do the stuff he does ok? No one else deals with them as much as I do and I’m
tired mum. I’m so tired of it all the time,” I said my tears finally breaking,
“I’m tired mum.”
“I know love,” she said sitting down next to me on my bed, “I can’t imagine how
you feel especially after I said what I did a while ago. It wasn’t fair for me
to say that to you.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “I already try mum. The only thing I can do to draw
their attention even more is run around naked.”
“Well you’re not doing that. You already dress like you live in the artic to
make sure you don’t draw their attention. I’ve seen enough abuse in my life to
know that’s why you do it. So, you don’t draw their attention,” Mum said.
“It makes me feel safer. He undresses me with his eyes every time I’m in a room
with him anyway,” I said hugging myself, “So I know it doesn’t really matter
but it makes me feel better. My skin is all scared and gross anyway so why do I
need to show it to everyone?”
“I just worry you’ll over heat sometimes. It’s not exactly cold here like it is
back home,” she said.
“I feel better this way,” I said “The more clothes I wear the safer I feel just
in general. You don’t know what it’s like.”
“I had a friend back in college when I was a girl. When you’re Da and I first
started dating. She was hurt at a party and one of the first things she did was
start wearing baggy clothes so yeah, I understand where it comes from. Believe
it or not I get it.”
“No mum, you don’t get it. You don’t. You don’t know what it’s like to hate
your body. To feel trapped in it. All because someone decided to…” I trailed
off not wanting to have to explain it to her.
 What it felt like to have your body betray you. To have it respond to things
that you didn’t even want to happen. And that wasn’t counting the things he
said about me, about my body. How it felt good and tasted good, how it belonged
to him and not to me. It was too hard to explain. It hurt too much.
“John we’ve been over this love, your body is made to respond to things a
certain way. That doesn’t mean that you want those things to happen,” she said
her words being exactly what I needed to hear, “Your body doesn’t know the
difference between wanted and unwanted. It just knows what it’s feeling. It
doesn’t pay attention to your brain. That’s not how body work.”
“I hate it,” I mumbled.
“I know. I imagine it’s unpleasant but it’s not your fault. You know you didn’t
do anything right? That you didn’t do anything to deserve this? You know this
is my fault and not yours, right?”
“It doesn’t feel that way,” I said to her, “I don’t want to talk about this
anymore mum.”
“Ok. I have to go talk to your brother,” she said looking at the door, “John I
love you and I’m sorry.”
“I know you’re sorry,” I sighed, “I’m sorry too.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. Your brother pointed out things I needed
to hear that were hard to swallow but, they are true,” she said smiling sadly,
“So, I think I owe him a talking to. And watch your swearing around him because
that’s what really tanned my hide was the language that he used. He’s 11 he
shouldn’t speak that way.”
“Ok mum, I’ll be careful with the swearing,” I said, “I’m tired so can I just
lay down for a little while?”
“You’re not drinking again, are you?” She asked me.
I shook my head. I wanted a drink. I wanted one badly but I knew that I
couldn’t have one. That having one would mean falling back into old habits. Bad
habits I was already starting to pick back up. Habits where I was too mudded
and drunk to do anything but sleep. Habits where I didn’t eat because I wasn’t
hungry and my stomach hurt which was a problem I still had.
“Good,” she answered me nodding her head, “I really hope you don’t start up
again.”
“I’m trying not to mum,” I said, “I really am trying it’s just hard.”
“I know I said I wouldn’t ask you about that type of stuff but I have one
question just one and then you can lay down for a while ok?” She said.
“What?” I asked quietly preparing myself for whatever embarrassing question she
might ask.
“I saw your thigh, it had a w on it? Did one of them do that to you?” She asked
me quietly.
I felt my face flush red. What did I tell her? Did I lie and say yes or did I
tell her the truth? That I was trying to crave the word whore into my leg?
Because that’s what I was, that was all I was, was Da’s whore. His whore son
that he was in love with. That he wanted to love him back and he couldn’t force
to do so, so he pimped him out instead.
“No,” I said deciding on the truth, “It was me, I did it. It wasn’t them.”
Her expression changed from a sad calmness to and confused hurt again, “Why
love?”
“I don’t know,” I answered, “It seemed like a good idea at the time. It seemed
easier.”
“Then what?” She asked me.
“Then keeping it trapped inside. Sometimes when I do that, I watch the blood
drip and it’s all like all of the bad things they make me feel, all the things
they make me do are draining away with the blood like poison. It makes me feel
better,” I answered.
“You can’t do that anymore. What if you really hurt yourself? What if you
accidentally hit an artery or vein or what if you get an infection and lose
your leg?” She said.
“I doubt it would happen but maybe it would be a good thing. Maybe then they
would leave me alone,” I answered.
“Honey I don’t think it’s something you can do or not do that would make it
stop. I’ll get us out of here but I don’t know when or how but we obviously
need to go farther away then Montana when we do,” she said.
“He made me invite some people to my birthday party that I don’t want there,” I
said quietly, “Can you see if I can uninvite them?”
“I’ll talk to him,” she said, “Is this about your weekends?”
I nodded my head. By now she had an idea that I wasn’t going to a friend’s
house but she wasn’t sure how to stop it. I still hadn’t told her who it was.
That it was Leo, her doctor, my doctor. That he made me have sex with him. That
I basically spent my weekend in his house shirtless watching TV and letting him
have sex with me whenever he wanted me to.
“Yeah, they said I can’t have it if I don’t invite them,” I answered.
“I don’t know what to tell you love, just ignore them ok? Your party is in two
days. Do you want a DJ or anything?” She asked me.
“No, a CD player and some CD’s is fine,” I answered, “Cole and Pat will bring
some stuff. No caterer just pizza and soda nothing fancy.”
“What are you going to do about the bathing suit situation?” She asked me
referring to my chest and my scars and the fact that I didn’t like being
uncovered.
“Wear a t-shirt. Most of my scars are covered by a t-shirt so it’s not a big
deal. At least a couple of the guys there will wear them too. Pat will be
wearing one I’m pretty sure and Dom if he comes,” I answered.
“Who is Dom?” Mum asked, “Have I met him?”
“No, he doesn’t get a chance to get out of the house a lot. He’s a cool guy
though. You’ll like him. He’s nice. I’m hoping his brother Adam can come too I
invited them both, and some of the girls, Ellen, Talya, Celia, I invited her
triplet siblings too, Brodric and Delia as well even though I don’t really get
along with Delia,” I said.
“Why don’t you get along with Delia?” Mum asked, “You don’t hang out with many
girls.”
“Well, you know Pat and I are close? She…” Mum cut me off.
“I see, I can understand why that would create some hard feelings. Especially
if she really cared about Patrick,” Mum said.
“It didn’t happen on purpose you know?” I asked her.
“I know. You’ve explained it to me and so have Cole and Patrick. I believe you.
I believe that it’s a relationship that formed because you lack interaction
with other people. That it’s not as physical as it appears to be. I honestly
don’t believe either one of you are …. I try to look at it as a very close
friendship,” she told me, “I have to go chat with your brother now.”
“Ok mum,” I said nodding my head, “Thank you, for letting me have a party.”
 
“Of course, I’m letting you have a party. It might be a bit chilly for an
outdoor pool party so I figured indoor would be fine. Inside we have the hot
tub and the sauna so that’s even more fun,” she said, “Now rest. I’ll go talk
to your brother. I love you John.”
“I love you too mum,” I said as she got up and left my room opening and closing
the door behind her.
I was really intrigued and wanted to know what she had to say to Will but
didn’t think ease dropping was worth the hassle so I waited pulling the covers
over my head and must have ended up falling asleep for a while because after a
bit of time had passed there was a knock on my door and Will came in without me
giving him permission.
“Dinner is ready,” he said sitting on the foot of my bed, “I talked to mum.”
“And?” I asked him.
“She said she was sorry but that I had a valid point. That I shouldn’t swear so
much,” he told me.
“Yeah, the swearing is apparently something that gets to her,” I said to him
nodding my head.
“Can I ask you something?” He said.
“Sure, something serious?” I asked.
“No, just curious about why you invited me to your party. I mean you used to
like kick me out of the room when it was you three together. So, I’m wondering
why you would want me to hang around with you and your friends on your
birthday,” he said.
“Well,” I said thinking about it, “If you’re old enough for me to screw you’re
old enough for me to hang with you. And you’re my friend too Will. I mean
you’re my brother but you’re my friend and you get this, you get me. So, I
figured it might be nice to have you there. As long as you and Cole aren’t…”
Will cut me off.
“That was just making out that one time and he’s with Tosh. We’re just friends.
It’s not a big deal. I don’t have feelings like that for him. I’m not sure I
ever really did. I just kind of thought he was awesome and he told me that
sometimes it made things feel better to be with someone you wanted to be with.
It only got as far as kissing and mum walked in and flipped out but I don’t
think it would have gone any farther, just the idea seemed to be too much for
him,” he answered me.
“Ok,” I said, “Da is making me invite Dick. If I want to stay at home and
actually get to be at my party. He’s bringing friends so he has people his age
there.”
“Do you know who?” Will asked me.
“No,” I said, “Probably Chad which is going to suck. I don’t know who else he
hangs out with but hopefully they’ll behave themselves. Not like hit on anyone
or anything gross.”
“Hopefully,” Will agreed, “I’ve never had problems with any of them only…”
“Wallace,” I said finishing his sentence, “Has he been leaving you alone?”
“Mostly,” Will answered shifting uneasily.
“Mostly?” I scoffed feeling my eyebrows raise at him. I had told Wallace to
leave him alone and to fucking keep his comments to himself. What was wrong
with that guy? He couldn’t leave an 11-year-old alone? I didn’t care what
feelings he had for my brother there was no reason he should be talking to him
outside of class.
“Yeah, he had stopped saying things for a while. Even told me he was sorry and
that he hadn’t meant to scare me but he just wanted me to know how he felt but
now sometimes he asks, or makes a comment and I just…I try to ignore it. It
freaks me out though. Still.” Will admitted.
“What type of comments?” I asked.
“That he thinks I’d look good without clothes and then he’ll blush and say he’s
sorry again or he’ll say he wonders what my lips feel like. What it would be
like to kiss me. So, it’s not as gross as it was before you talked to him but
it’s still…it makes me uncomfortable,” Will admitted to me.
“Well, I’ll talk to him again,” I said, “Trust me. I understand how bad it
makes you feel just sitting around doing whatever it is you’re doing minding
your own business and having someone come up to you and ask if they can…touch
you like that or worse. Like you would ever say yes, right?” I rolled my eyes.
“Someone does that to you?” Will asked.
“Dick, sometimes. I’ll be watching TV at Leo’s and he’ll come up to me and ask
if he can suck me. Which…”
“Is the thing you hate the most,” Will said finishing my sentence and nodding
his head in understanding, “He doesn’t ask that anymore but he, the way he
looks at me sometimes I can tell his mind is going there. He gets that weird
look on his face that Uncle Ben gets. I just want to run and hide and I know I
can’t. Not really. So, I try to ignore it.”
“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with that at school,” I said to him.
“It’s better than that weird teachers aid I had at the beginning of the year,
Brian. He always looked at me like that, a couple other guys too. I’m glad I
don’t have to deal with him anymore” he said.
“He helps the T.A Luke teach Gym in the upper school,” I said, “So I don’t
think he’s a real T.A anymore but somewhere between T.A and teacher. He
apparently has gotten in trouble for measuring people for uniforms a little too
closely so he’s not supposed to be alone with us.”
“Doesn’t surprise me. The way he looked at people in Math. He wouldn’t stop
looking at me like that. I was terrified of him,” Will said, “Todd said he was
alone with him in the classroom once for just a minute because he forgot his
bookbag. He said he kept getting really really close to him and it freaked him
out.”
“Who is Todd?” I asked thinking about it for a minute, “Oh never mind I
remember Todd.”
“Yeah he’s like us. Kind of he’s only a four but, yeah,” Will answered
shrugging his shoulders.
“There’s going to be girls at the party and while their brothers are …well you
know what we are just don’t talk about it,” I mentioned after thinking about
for a second stretching before I got up off my bed getting ready to go eat.
“I won’t. It’ going to be your birthday so I think it would probably make more
sense to avoid the subject,” Will said, “We can talk about normal stuff. Play
Marco polo or water volleyball or something.”
“Yeah,” I agreed nodding my head, “What did Alice make?”
“Debbie made Salmon burgers whatever that is,” Will said, “It sounds weird but
it looks ok.”
“Well than I guess I get to try it,” I sighed patting him on the shoulder as he
got up and we walked towards the kitchen.
The Salmon patties actually weren’t half bad and after I was done eating I
helped get James and Cat ready for bed reading them their bedtime stories and
helping them settle in for the night. The next couple of days passed by fast I
spent most of them actually playing video games with my little brothers and
listening to music since I was feeling well enough to actually do things with
them and feeling a little better even though I had a sense of dread in the back
of my mind.
 Causing me to wonder how my party was going to go or if Da and Leo were going
to make it hell, if they were going to let Dick and his friends make it hell. I
went to bed the night before my big party and had a little bit of trouble
falling asleep but finally managed to fall into dreams and rest peacefully
until I heard a knock on my door early that morning around 8.
***** 48 *****
Chapter Summary
     John has a pool party to celebrate his 14th birthday. Rich and his
     friends cause Mayhem ruining John's day with his friends.
Chapter Notes
     1012 to 1037. Yes there's a lot. There's still more. A shit ton more.
     Warnings: Rape/non-con, mental health issues, anxiety, forced
     rimming, forced oral, forced kissing, bullying, child sexual abuse
     Yes, I'm fine. I'm still fine. I'm moving on with life and still
     writing.
“Come in,” I mumbled.
“HAPPY BIRDA!” Laura and Andy screamed at me climbing into the bed with me.
“Thank you, guys,” I said hugging them, “did you really have to wake me up this
early just for that though?”
“Yes, we did,” Mum said bringing in a tray as Will carried a cup in one hand
and Mike carried in a can of boost and Matt carried another cup for that while
Cat and James trailed in behind followed by Alice.
“Happy birthday,” everyone echoed softly as Mum set the tray of blue berry
pancakes on my lap and they sang happy birthday to me.
“Thank you everyone, really thank you!” I said, “This is awesome.”
“I’m glad you like it, it was Cat’s idea,” Mum said kissing the top of my head.
“Really Catty?” I asked surprised, “That’s so sweet firefly thank you. Really.”
“Well I know you like berry pancakes and I know I like berry pancakes and
you’ve been sad and I’ve been sad so I thought berry pancakes would make us
feel better,” She told me.
“It was a great idea, thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome. And I get berry pancakes,” She smiled happily before grabbing
James by the hand and leading him off down the hall to the kitchen Alice
following behind them after giving me a smile and a wave.
“So, everyone should start showing up around noon,” Mum reminded me, “So if I
were you I would enjoy your breakfast and then maybe you can help me get the
little ones dressed for company if not Debbie will help. Can the younger kids
join you guys downstairs for cake?”
“Yes, I have no problem with that,” I said nodding my head.
“You still want Will to come?” She asked me, “Because you can change your mind
if you want to I’m sure Will won’t mind.”
“Yeah he can still hang with us. He’ll get to see some hot girls in bikini’s,”
I said and mum frowned at me.
“I certainly hope not,” she muttered, “But anyway I expect good behavior. Your
Uncle is here I don’t know why but I’m hoping your Da will keep him out of the
way. He said they were planning a trip of some kind for spring break. Why two
adult men care about a silly American holiday where college kids get drunk and
go to Mexico I don’t have the slightest but, whatever pleases them.”
I felt kind of reluctant to celebrate upon hearing that. Why wouldn’t uncle Ben
be in his own apartment? He should have little to no interest in my birthday
party but I thought about it and thought about how mum said she would stay out
of the way and only check up on us every once in a while, the night before. How
she had promised that and Da had probably figured that would be the case so he
got his “cool” little brother to hang out nearby while he did whatever it was
he was doing. I just hoped Uncle Ben wouldn’t do anything inappropriate and
ruin the day for me. Hoped no one would do that.
I ate my breakfast slowly reading the prisoner of Azkaban from the Harry Potter
series that had just come out two months before and then got showered and
dressed heading downstairs towards the indoor pool when I heard voices talking
outside the great room where the entrance to the indoor pool was.
“So, Ibiza you’re thinking?” I heard Da ask.
“Well you said you have a nice vacation home there and I mean imagine with the
right setting how it would look. It would be nice. They shoot that type of
stuff there all the time,” I heard Leo answer back quietly and I froze. They
were talking about how they were going to celebrate my birthday.
I cleared my throat before I stepped around the corner entering the room, “Hi
John Happy birthday,” Leo said smiling at me.
“Thanks,” I said quietly, “Does that mean Rich is here already?”
“No, Rich is coming over with his friend Chad and a couple other boys I think
you might know, Wallace and Tucker,” Leo answered.
“They hang out with Wallace?” I asked frowning trying to hide my surprise and
disgust.
“Well they have all made their announcements of intent and kind of young too so
it’s a very small club they belong to so yes, Wallace hangs out with them even
though the poor boy seems a little off,” Leo said, “That’s surprising to you?”
“Well yeah. He’s weird and kind of ugly and fat,” I said.
“He’s not ugly, I mean yeah he’s not as nice looking as you sure but he has
some potential without those glasses and if his skin would clear up. I think
he’s more muscle than fat but, that’s beside the point. They’ll be here in a
little while around 11:30 I think,” Leo said, “Can I say hello?”
I felt my stomach drop my food feeling like a brick weighing me down. No, no
you can’t say hello because I know exactly what you mean. Was what I was
thinking trying to keep myself calm keep myself from looking tense.
“Yeah,” Da answered before I could protest, “If you want to you can go into the
powder room for a minute or two. Not too long though it’s his birthday after
all and we’re celebrating another time. You don’t mind having a private hello
with Leo do you baby?”
I swallowed and looked between the two not sure what to say feeling my panic
rise. It was my fucking birthday and he was going to molest me in my own house
before the guest arrived at my party. I remember thinking are you fucking
kidding me? Of course, I don’t want to say a private hello. I don’t want my
junk grabbed by an old pervert who calls himself my boyfriend. But before I
really had a chance to reply we were walking though the double doors into the
pool area and into the powder room off the side of the pool room next to the
sauna.
He shoved me into the wall a little hard grabbing my hard by the neck of my
shirt pulling my face to his kissing me forcing his tongue into my mouth before
I could protest my eyes going wide my heart racing. No, this couldn’t be
happening right now, not right now. Not now. I wanted to push him away but
remembered our rules. The rules he had set down I could say no, I could beg and
I could cry but I wasn’t allowed to push him away, to punch or kick or fight
back in anyway as I balled my hands into fist at my sides waiting for him to
break the kiss waiting for him to let me go.
When he broke the kiss, he smiled at me rubbing his nose against mine, “You
look a bit surprised. Surely you knew that’s what I meant?” He asked me his
hands starting to slide up my shirt.
“Stop,” I said trying to grab my shirt and pull it back down, “it’s my birthday
Leo please.”
He sighed looking at me stopping, “Fine, we’ll celebrate just the two of us
later ok? I just wanted to say hi. I missed you.”
 
I nodded my head. I hadn’t missed him and he knew it. He knew I hadn’t missed
him and I wasn’t going to pretend I did.
“Behave yourself or your party is ending when I say it ends. It is my day after
all,” he warned me.
“When you say behave myself what do you mean?” I asked.
“I don’t want anyone touching you but Rich. You want to fool around that’s fine
but it’s with him or you come find me. Don’t think I don’t know about being a
teenage boy. You probably have a girl coming that you’re sweet on, would love
to put your hands all over or have her on her knees. That’s not going to happen
you understand?” He clarified.
“Yes, I understand,” I answered.
That was against the brotherhood rules anyway. Sure, I had thought about
sneaking Pat into the sauna after everyone else left but he wouldn’t have been
the one on his knees because I was…well I think you know by now I got a lot of
pleasure from giving him pleasure but anyway. That obviously wasn’t going to
happen.
“Good,” Leo said tilting my chin up gently in his hands so he was looking me in
the eyes, “I’ve really missed you baby.” He breathed before kissing my cheek
his kiss trailing down my jaw bone and into my neck as I squeezed my eyes shut
hoping it wasn’t real. I didn’t want any of them to do this today. Today was
supposed to be my day. Today was supposed to a good day and this was going
south really fast.
“Leo, please not right now,” I muttered
He pulled away smiling at me laughing to himself a little, “Sorry beautiful I
just…Well you know what I want. That I enjoy feeling your…” His hands went to
my back grabbing my ass hard, “Back arch into my touch as you beg me to stop.
As I go down on you and then wrap your legs around my waist.”
“Leo please,” I said trying hard to remember to keep breathing.
“Just relax, we don’t have to do anything right now,” he said, “Am I making you
nervous? It’s ok you know? I won’t hurt you tonight. I’ll be really gentle I
promise.”
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “You said hello can we get out of here now?”
“You swear to me you won’t let anyone touch you but Rich if you need it?” He
said to me.
“I swear. And that probably won’t happen because now I’m not in the mood for
anyone to touch me,” I said as he grabbed my neck tight.
“Did you just tell me to fuck off?” He hissed at me.
“No, no I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that’s not what this party is
for,” I stammered.
“Ok,” he said letting me go, “Ok, I’m sorry. I got a little over excited huh?”
I nodded my head in agreement and he moved aside so I could open to door which
I stumbled out of finally feeling like I could breathe again as Mum and Will
looked at me mum raising her eyebrows at me.
“Are you ok love?” She asked putting down the CD player in the corner.
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I’m fine.”
“You sure?” Will asked me.
“I said I’m fine Will,” I said giving him a tight smile, “Mum can you go grab
my mix tape in my bedroom it’s on my nightstand?”
“Sure, love I was just about to head back up and have Alice help me bring down
the cake, you need anything else?” She said smiling at me wiping her hands on
her apron.
“Did you bake the cake?” I asked.
“No, cookies,” Mum said pointing at a serving dish wrapped in plastic on the
table besides the CD player, “Is that problem?”
“No mum just surprised is all,” I said.
“I baked cookies for the school bake sale last year,” she reminded me.
“Yeah and I don’t know how you managed to do it then between the two jobs you
had and looking after everyone,” I commented.
“Oh, please you and Will looked after everyone. You used to even cook,” she
said smiling, “I’ll be back.”
She turned and walked away and I looked at Will and cocked my head towards the
bathroom a few moments before Leo came out and his eyes glanced between us
several times, “Huh hi?” Will said quietly.
“Hello, Will,” Leo said, “You’re allowed to hang out with the big kids today?”
“Don’t patronize him,” I said, “Look you’re making me hang out with Rich and
his friends and he might not even be down here so if he wants to he can if he
doesn’t that’s fine too.”
“Ok well I have business to discuss with your Dad so I’ll see you later ok?”
Leo said nodding his head and walking away.
“That’s why you stumbled out of the bathroom like it was full of poison air?”
Will asked me.
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.
“He didn’t? Not on your birthday!” Will said his eyes flashing angry, “What the
fuck is wrong with these guys?”
“You know that better than me and he didn’t really. Just said he would,” I said
swallowing and shrugging my shoulders, “We have another problem though.”
“I thought him and Rich were the problem,” Will said.
“No another problem. Rich is bringing friends. I told you that, right? Recruits
his age it’s a small circle,” I said quietly, “If you don’t want to be here
it’s ok. I’m all right with that.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to be at your party?” Will asked still not understanding
what I was getting at.
“There’s only like four or five guys Rich’s age that have made their
announcement of intent and one of them is Wallace,” I said.
“So, you mean Wallace is coming?” Will said his face dropping.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Awesome,” Will muttered, “What if he tells Da? Do you think he’d make me…?” He
trailed off his voice breaking.
“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head, “Maybe we’ll get lucky? Maybe Wallace
won’t say anything at all or maybe you should just stay upstairs?”
“No, I want to hang out with you guys. Cole and Pat are my friends too,” Will
said, “I want to see them.”
“Are you sure? I guess you could leave any time you wanted and just kind of
sneak off. I mean I’d make sure you got back upstairs safe of course but, I
don’t know Will,” I said.
“This isn’t fucking fair!” Will whined, “This was supposed to be an ok day a
day where we didn’t have to worry about that shit. Where you got to check out
cute girls and I got to practice my flirting skills.”
“I thought you were gay,” I commented.
“I didn’t say I was going to flirt with the girls,” Will said laughing through
his tears.
“Fair enough,” I agreed nodding my head.
“I want to be there. I don’t want him to scare me away,” Will said.
“Ok,” I said, “If you want to go upstairs at any point though you let one of us
know and we’ll take you upstairs. I don’t want him to have any chance alone
with you or with you and Uncle Ben or someone else that isn’t me Pat or Cole or
Dom ok?”
Will nodded his head, “Is it wrong that I think Dom is cute.”
“Hey, Dom is off limits,” I said shaking my head.
“Why is he your back up? You know he has a boy crush on you,” Will taunted.
“No, he’s not my back up. He’s my friend and it’s weird enough knowing you made
out with Cole,” I scoffed as mum came back into the room.
“You two should go upstairs and change,” Mum said, “Your Uncle is here so wear
shirts.”
“We know mum,” Will said.
“Ok, come back down shortly,” she said as Alice walked in carrying the cake it
having a cover over it and her holding a dish towel on the top of it so I
couldn’t see what it looked like.
We went upstairs and changed quickly. I grabbed a navy-blue t-shirt pulling it
on. I didn’t want people to be able to see my scars when my shirt got wet like
last time I had been in the pool my shirt being deemed ineffective once the
water had drenched it.
I met Will at the lift him wearing a black tank top over his board shorts. He
looked excited but nervous. Like he wanted to hang out with us. Like he was
really looking forward to being with people he considered “cool” but the idea
of Wallace being there making him nervous making his skin crawl as he shivered
slightly.
“I won’t let him be alone with you,” I assured him.
“I know,” Will said nodding his head “How could you tell that’s what I was
thinking about?”
“You shivered and it’s not cold in the house, not really so I figured you were
nervous. They’ve been told they need to watch their comments because there will
be girls there so hopefully they’ll all listen,” I said, “It’ll be ok if you
want to go upstairs at any time just…”
“I know, tell someone and you guys will make sure I get upstairs safe,” Will
said nodding his head finishing my sentence. As we walked down the front steps
near the foyer I saw the group of them standing together Chad letting out a low
whistle as he looked around.
“This place his huge. He lives in a castle,” Chat muttered before he spotted
us, “Hey, happy birthday. You brought your little brother?”
Wallace turned to look his eyes lighting up when he saw Will making me put my
arm out in front of Will stopping his descent, “Leave him alone.” I warned.
“Relax he’s just a kid,” Chad said shrugging his shoulders, “Are the rest of
the kiddies going to make an appearance?”
“Later,” I answered, “Keep your comments and your hands away from him,” I said
making what I meant clear.
“Like I said he’s a kid. I don’t have any interest in him. He even looks like a
kid. How old is he?” Chad asked.
“Almost 12,” Will answered quietly.
“He looks younger than that and I know you’re Dad hangs out with some guys who
are into that like bad but that’s not my thing. What about you two?” Chad asked
to which Rich elbowed him lightly and pointed out Wallace was staring at him,
“Wal stop it, you’re being a pervert.”
“Am not,” Wallace said pushing his glasses up his nose, “I know him.”
“I don’t care to understand what you mean by that but put your eyes back in
your head before I rip them out for you,” Chad said causing Wallace to shift
his eyes to Chad, “I thought we were here for the birthday boy anyway.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“Nothing,” Rich said stepping forward, “Happy birthday John.”
“Thanks,” I said, “They told you to be nice, right?”
“Oh, we’ll be nice,” Rich said his eyes raking my frame.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. That’s not nice,” I said my voice low
and Chad smiled amused.
“Don’t worry about it,” Chad said, “Keep our comments to ourselves no touching
in front of the girls, behave.”
“Yes,” Uncle Ben said catching everyone’s attention, “And I’ll be there to make
sure everyone does that so if you have any comments you want to throw out that
might upset our fairer guest you have until they get here.”
“Really? So, I could tell him I can’t wait to watch him blow out those candles
on his cake and imagine it’s me he’s blowing?” Rich asked looking at my uncle.
“That’s an interesting image to think about,” Ben nodded his head in approval,
“Yes until the girls get here. No touching though.”
“I have permission,” Rich said shrugging his shoulders.
“Fine just be careful,” Ben said.
Wallace tapped Rich on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear.
“You ask you dumb shit geeze,” Rich scoffed, “Did you forget? Just go ask their
Dad.”
“Right,” Wallace said I turned to see Will’s face pale.
“Don’t even think of asking or I will make sure you’re sorry,” I warned him and
Uncle Ben coughed.
“Someone have a little crush there?” He asked.
“Wallace is a bit of a freak,” Chad said.
“Oh, that’s ok. Nothing wrong with a little crush. Those green eyes that go big
when you push inside of him, that blond hair, what’s not to crush on?” Ben said
smiling evilly.
“Will I think you should go upstairs now,” I said, “You can come back down when
the girls get here ok?”
“Yeah,” Will said turning around and walking back up the stairs.
“You want to make comments about him like he’s not here? He’s not here now,” I
said folding my arms in front of me, “Go ahead and continue.”
“That wasn’t anything you know it,” Ben said, “You two know about the sounds he
makes when he’s drunk?”
“I don’t get drunk anymore so they’ll never know,” I answered.
“Oh, you make pretty sweet sounds when you’re not drunk,” Chad commented.
“Wait you’ve done him too?” Wallace said frowning looking between Chad and
Dick.
“Yeah,” Chad said, “He got around at the villa not too long ago. You haven’t?”
“No,” Wallace said shaking his head, “He’s not my type.”
“No, you apparently like small dick,” Chad commented.
“Shut up,” Wallace said shaking his head, “I like guys who want to. Maybe a
little bit.”
“Well that kid doesn’t want to and let me tell you sometimes the screaming is
the best part,” Rich said, “Don’t you agree Chad?”
“It can be,” Chad agreed.
“You should hear him beg when you go south he really hates it,” Ben commented.
“I have,” Dick replied, “It’s nice. It’s really nice.”
“Really?” Chad asked, “He begged pretty hard when I was at the Villa.”
“Oh, I’m sure he did,” Ben said, “I’m sure you guys remember being a bottom at
the Villa though. It’s not pleasant.”
“No, it’s not,” Rich commented, “If you haven’t been with him even if he’s not
your type you should give him a try Wal I mean his skin tastes really nice.”
“Really?” Wallace said looking at me as they stepped closer to me, me reversing
myself a step or two back up the stairs.
“Yeah want to find out?” Rich asked, “I’ll hold him still for you.”
“Come on,” I sighed.
“No, you come on birthday boy. What guy doesn’t want a blow job in his
birthday?” Rich said starting towards me again.
I felt like an idiot standing there my whole body frozen knowing what he was
saying. That he was going to hold me down so someone could suck me off. So,
they could rape me. I didn’t want that. I hated the idea of it but found myself
unable to move thinking as long as he didn’t get his hands-on Will everything
would be fine.
“I’m still working on the other one. I am starting to get impatient though,”
Wallace said.
“I’ll talk to my brother see if I can hook you up,” Ben said, “You’ll have fun.
Trust me he’s a lot of fun.”
“Really?” Wallace said his voice lighting up with excitement.
“Don’t,” I said, “That’s the birthday gift you can give me Ben is keeping your
mouth shut, please.”
“What are you going to do for me?” He asked me smiling, “I mean I like you sure
but you’re not the sweetest fruit to choose from.”
“Is that why you leave me alone so often now because your preferences have
changed?” I asked him.
“Maybe a little bit,” he said, “Maybe I Just realized you’re too whiny and I
like screaming better.”
“He does whine but it’s a cute whine,” Dick said nodding his head as the
doorbell rang and I sighed with relief hopefully there would girls on the other
side of the door so this would stop. This whole thing would just stop right
where it was.
My uncle Ben opened the door and I heard a girl voice and sighed with Relief,
“Is this John’s house?”
“Sure is. Party is going to be in the pool room,” Uncle Ben said, “I’m his
Uncle.”
“I’m Talya,” I heard the voice say.
“Hey Talya,” I said.
“Happy birthday,” she said smiling at me looking around at all of the older
guys, “Are these guys your friends?”
“Yeah, this is Chad and Rich and Wallace,” I answered.
“Hey Talya,” Chad said smiling at her.
“Hi,” Talya said, “Ellen is down the block. She’s walking with Brodric and Dee
and Cee.”
“Brodric?” Dick said smiling, “I know Brodric.”
“I’m sure you do,” I said shaking my head.
“Are you ok?” Talya giggled lightly.
“Yeah let’s go to the pool,” I said and I used the com to let Will know that
other guests had arrived so it was safer. By the time Will headed back
downstairs Pat and Cole had made it around the block and joined me and Talya in
the pool room along with Ellen and Brodric, Dee, Cee, Dom and Adam joined us
shortly after.
“So, are we all going to just stand here or are we going to swim?” Cee asked
smiling before she pulled her shirt off revealing a pink bikini top which made
me stare. She was beyond beautiful even in less clothing than usual her curves
exposed that much more. Her waist dipping in just the right way so her hips
looked prefect for her frame as she pulled her brown curly hair up in a messy
bun before pulling her shorts off.
“Guys, you’re staring,” Adam commented holding back a laugh.
“Huh?” I said looking around and realizing Pat was looking at me smiling.
“I thought you two were…?” Adam started to ask.
“Hey, we’re taken not dead,” Pat murmured.
“So, you’re not gay?” Adam asked.
“I’m pretty sure I’m not gay,” I said as one of the girls pointed and started
laughing.
“Dude John get in the water, I know you’re a guy but you have to have some
control over that thing,” Ellen crowed as Talya fell off the chair she was
sitting on she was laughing so hard.
I beamed red realizing what they were talking about as Pat made sure to move so
his wasn’t so evident. I had popped a boner in my swim shorts a very obvious
boner. I felt like I was glowing before I felt a hand on my shoulder and froze.
“I can take care of that for you if you want me to,” Dick hissed into my ear
instantly killing my erection making me go from red to white.
“You fucking sh----!” Pat started to hiss before Ben cut him off.
“None of that,” Ben warned, “From any of you. Understand?”
“Sorry,” Dick said patting my shoulder before he walked away back over to join
the rest of his friends.
“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Pat hissed looking at me.
“It’s not worth it, and it got rid of my problem, didn’t it?” I asked.
“You’re lucky you don’t get fear boners,” Adam commented, “Those are horrible.”
“I think I probably do,” I answered
“You get fear boners?” Cole asked, “Tosh said he was sorry he couldn’t make it
by the way. His Dad said something about birthday parties being frivolous.”
“It’s ok,” I said, “I wish he could be here though.”
“Me too, the things I would do to him in that Sauna…” Cole smiled licking his
lips thinking about it.
“Cole don’t be gross,” Dee said.
“Love you too Dee,” Cole said flipping her the bird.
“Yeah yeah bite me,” Dee scoffed while Cee rolled her eyes.
“Tell me when and where and I’ll put it on my calendar,” Cole said.
“I’d bite you if you’d let me,” Chad added.
“You’re like super old man,” Ellen said.
“I’m a senior,” Chad said.
“Wait,” Adam said frowning again as he pulled on my arm bringing me close so no
one else could hear, “He’s not gay either? I’m so fucking confused right now.
Who is gay?”
“Cole is gay,” I answered, “Huh, I’m not sure Dom has a sexuality at all. My
little brother is gay. I think Wallace is gay but I’m not sure. Dick I’m pretty
sure he’s gay but I haven’t asked and don’t care to. My Uncle is supposedly gay
or at least that’s what my Da calls it. Pat and I are together but obviously if
we can check out girls together we’re not really gay.”
“Ok so you’re not gay. Are you like bi?” Adam asked me.
“Kind of?” I said, “I don’t know. Why is this important information?”
“Well, usually the gay ones tend to be nasty even in front of mixed company,”
Adam said, “I’m still a one, remember? They don’t need permission to fuck me.
They can just pull me into a room and do it if they want to.”
“Ah,” I said nodding my head in understanding, “No one is going to touch you
here ok? Besides maybe Ben but he’s smart enough to not try in a room full of
teenagers so…”
“What about what’s his name? Dick?” He asked.
“I’m supposed to call him Rich but I don’t call him Dick because he has
impeccable people skills,” I said, “Huh, he might be a problem for you. I don’t
honestly know.”
“Well he said something nasty to you because you turned so white I thought you
were dead,” Adam said.
“He did yeah but it doesn’t matter. Just avoid being alone with them. Nothing
bad is going to happen here. Try to relax.”
“Yeah all right,” Adam said nodding his head.
“Everything ok?” Pat asked us.
“Yeah,” I said, “Everything is fine. I was just answering a question is all.”
Pat dropped his voice so only Adam and I could hear, “About?”
“Who is gay, who isn’t because he’s confused. Because he was sure we were gay
and then…well Cee has a nice ass, doesn’t she?”
“Fuck yeah,” Pat said, “Is it weird I can check out girls with you and it
doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all?”
“I don’t know,” I said, “She’s the first girl I’ve seen almost naked really.
And she’s at my house in my pool and god I love bikinis.”
“Me too,” Pat said looking over, “She’s hotter than Dee. How come I never
noticed that before?”
“Because you were always in the dark with her?” I asked and he laughed.
“No seriously though,” Pat said, “She’s a lot hotter than Dee.”
All of the sudden Ellen splashed us hard, “Are you guys just going to stand
there and ogle us or are you going to come into the pool and actually swim?”
“All right,” Pat said before smiling at me winking as he backed up against the
wall, “Bombs away!”
He ran at the pool actually catching good air before he did a dive bomb,
splashing Adam and I which Adam didn’t seem to be happy about. I laughed. I
thought it was great. That and Ellen had made her point before I jumped over
the side doing an anchor dive my feet brushing the bottom of the pool before I
pushed up bobbing to the surface, “Hi,” I said surfacing next to Pat.
“Hey,” He said smiling at me as Delia swam over.
“So, what am I chopped liver?” She asked us.
“Yeah Dee, or should I say chopped liver. Why did you even come if you were
going to be such a bitch?” Pat asked.
“You invited my siblings of course I’m going to come,” Dee said, “And I don’t
see how I’m being mean. Being mean here would be shouting to his uncle that
you’re fucking him and getting you into a world of trouble or telling you how
Brodric keeps hearing rumors about how he’s a sweet ride.”
“Dee you’re so lucky you’re a girl right now or I’d fucking drown you,” Pat
hissed as I stared awkwardly at her.
“So, John, how many guys have you F---“Dee and me both had our mouths fall open
as Pat smacked her across the face lightly but hard enough to shock her. The
sound echoing around the pool room causing everyone to turn and look.
“Who just smacked her? You don’t ever hit a girl not ever!” My uncle nearly
shouted as Ellen shot Pat a dirty look.
“You can’t hit her,” I told him shaking my head.
“You heard what she said, what she was asking. She was saying that to hurt
you!” he insisted.
“Yeah well it hurts me more that you would let her get a rise out of you ok?
She can’t hurt me. She knows she can’t hurt me,” I said.
“That could…” I cut him off squeezing his hand below the water.
“I know what it could do but she wouldn’t do that. She cares about you and she
won’t take that chance,” I reminded him.
“Hey John,” Someone said behind us causing us both to turn so we were looking
at Rich, “I wonder where your brother is…Wal seems to be missing too.”
Rich smiled evilly as he watched my mind start racing. No, I had promised him.
No that couldn’t be. No, god no. I looked around and noticed that Dom was
missing too and went over to the Sauna knocking on the door and Wallace pulled
it open.
Dom and Talya were in there and so was Will. I sighed with relief noting how
Will was on the side farthest away from Wallace. So, he was probably ok.
Wallace might have been stalking him but he was ok. He hadn’t touched him.
“Are you coming in?” Talya asked me pulling her tankini strap back up onto her
shoulders smiling her face red and shiny with sweat, “This is actually fun.”
“Only because he has a hard-core crush on you,” I pointed to Dom who flipped me
off and I laughed.
“I know,” Talya said, “Not that anything will happen about it because I’m
betrothed but yeah I’m aware.”
“Betrothed?” I asked her.
“She’s supposed to marry someone,” Will said.
“Who?” I asked confused.
“What’s his name Tyler something?” She said scrunching up her face as she
thought about it, “After I give him a baby I can divorce him but we’re not
allowed to get married until I’m 23 and I’ve finished some school. It’s in the
agreement that our parents signed when we were little. By then Dom probably
won’t have a crush on me anymore.”
“No by then I’ll probably be dead,” Dom said rolling his eyes.
“Ya ne soglasen s etim, zatknis'!” Talia said surprising all of us before I
remembered she was adopted as well.
Dom rolled his eyes and snorted even though he was smiling his eyes lit up,
“Eto ne imeyet znacheniya.”
“It does too,” she said.
“What on earth…?” Wallace trailed off looking at them.
“From what I got something isn’t,” Will said.
“Nyet,” Dom said, “Doesn’t.”
“Ah,” Will said.
“It’s surprising you caught that. I bet they didn’t,” Dom said and Talya nodded
her head in agreement.
“Well anyway what we said was, I said I didn’t agree with that idea, that it
wasn’t true. He said it didn’t matter what I thought pretty much,” Talya
translated for us.
“I don’t know you might be around still,” Wallace said, “My Dad had a one with
us for a while when I was kid. He never made a claim of intent but he lived
with us until he was like 20 and then apparently some guy brought him. Don’t
know what happened to him after that though.”
“Eww,” Talya said, “Chertovski izvrashchentsy!”
“What?” I asked.
“Fucking perverts,” Talya and Dom said at the same time.
“They aren’t perverts. They care about these guys. I mean he didn’t kill him or
anything,” Wallace said.
“You think probably selling him off to some pervert who might have chopped off
his balls is love?” Dom asked.
“They wouldn’t do that,” Wallace said.
“You’re a five Wallace what would you know?” Dom asked.
“Ok guys I know some of this. Some of what you mean but I’m like half in the
dark you want to tell me what you mean?” Talya asked.
“We’re not allowed to say,” Wallace reminded the rest of us as there was a
knock on the door.
“We’re breaking up the love fest in there and we’re playing chicken get out
here!” Chad said loudly as he opened the door.
“You ok?” Pat asked me when we came out, “You just kind of jumped up and left
me here.”
“Yeah, I was worried,” I answered.
“Ok enough chitchat who weighs the least here? And who weighs the most?” Chad
asked.
“I probably weigh the most,” Wallace said stepping out of the sauna behind me.
“How much do you weigh Rich? I weigh 145,” Chad asked.
“I weigh like 168,” Rich answered.
“Ok who weighs the least? Ladies, do you know?” Chad asked.
“I weigh 100,” Talya offered.
“We’re both around 110,” Cee answered.
“Don’t look at me,” Ellen said folding her arms across her torso.
“And what about everyone else?” Chad asked, “Pat?”
“140 soaking wet,” Pat scoffed.
“Around 140 too,” Adam said shrugging his shoulders.
“120,” Cole answered.
“88 I think,” Will said.
“And you two?” Chad asked.
“I don’t know how much I weigh,” I answered because I really didn’t.
“I weigh like 100 maybe?” Dom answered.
“Is that why you look super skinny and you’re wearing a shirt?” dee asked him.
“I’m wearing a shirt because I like shirts thank you,” Dom said which caused
Chad to laugh.
“I actually think John might be the one that weighs less than 100,” Rich said.
“He weighs about 93,” Uncle Ben mumbled.
“Really?” Talya said, “You don’t look like you weigh that little.”
“Well, thank you,” I said.
“So, you can ride on Wallace’s shoulders and your brother can be on Rich’s,”
Chad said.
“I huh…,” Started to protest and then stopped myself realizing the girls were
there.
“Relax, Wallace doesn’t bite,” Chad said.
“Fine,” I sighed. It was better than Will on his shoulders. Not that I was
about to let him any closer to my brother then he had been in the sauna.
We got in position and then ended up doing a chicken fight. Will won knocking
me off Wallace’s shoulders. I felt sure Wallace cheated, not holding onto my
legs tight enough but Chad seemed rather thrilled about it. Afterwards Mum and
Alice and Debbie brought down the babies and cake and ice cream was had. It was
cake with a top that looked like black top of cement covered in graffiti. It
was actually really cool looking.
 I didn’t hear any remarks made that shouldn’t have been said. Even though I’m
sure there were a couple and Wallace kept trying to get a word with Da which I
tried to make very sure didn’t happen. The girls ended up leaving slowly
Brodric walking out with his sisters who I was very sad to see go especially
Cee in that bathing suit. Because Damn…
Cole snorted as Pat and I waved bye, “Really guys?”
“What?” We both said and then looked at each other laughing again.
“That, that’s what. You’re supposed to be kind of sort of….” he said quietly,
“You have like a thing.”
“So,” Pat said again, “Just because I enjoy it when he blows me doesn’t mean I
don’t like a nice-looking ass on a girl.”
“What?!” Cole nearly shouted having to slap his hand over his mouth, “Really?
Are you for real?”
“Sorry,” Pat said looking at me.
I shrugged my shoulders, “it’s not like I get to today so… who cares right?”
“Shit really Pat? Really?” Cole said almost laughing.
“What?” Pat asked, “Just because he enjoys that doesn’t mean he enjoys other
things. Maybe we switch it up you don’t know.”
“You said you only did it like once,” Cole said, “And I didn’t picture that
being in there anywhere.”
“I hope you’re not trying to picture it at all,” Pat said and I chuckled.
“What’s so funny over here?” Uncle Ben asked.
“Nothing Mr. McGregor,” Cole answered.
“I’m sure,” Ben said, “Come on. It’s time for everyone to start packing up.”
He meant that it was time for everyone to start leaving including me. I sighed
and nodded my head, “Hey you two, I’m going to go say bye to Dom and Adam,” I
told them and Pat nodded his head.
I walked over to them. They were talking quietly keeping a close eye on Chad as
him and Rich talked in another corner, “Hey guys where is…” I trailed off as
Will walked over to us, “Never mind.”
“What?” Will asked, “Mum asked for help getting everyone else back upstairs.”
“What was that earlier? Was everything ok there?” I asked Will, “The Sauna, I
mean.”
“It could have gone worse,” Dom said and Will shot him a dirty look.
“It was nothing,” Will said.
“You can’t lie to him even if it is his birthday,” Dom said shaking his head.
“Dude, I’m not lying. Nothing happened. I was fine. I was freaked out but
otherwise I was ok,” Will hissed quietly.
“He had you pinned against the wall. Trust me, I’ve been through enough to know
that is not fine,” Dom said.
“What the fuck?” I exclaimed, “He pinned you to the wall did he…was he going
to?”
“It’s not a big…”
“That’s a huge deal Will!” I said feeling my eyes start to burn, “Are you
kidding me? He said he wouldn’t say that stuff to you anymore and he comes over
here on birthday and says that shit? No. Just no!”
“You invited him. You invited all of them and you know what they’re like,” Will
said.
“I didn’t invite them! I was told I had to if I wanted to be here instead of
with him ok? They said that was the only way I was allowed to have a party at
all. So, they came. I didn’t want them here at all and now you know what I get
to do anyway? Go over to his house where I get to…” I trailed off not wanting
to say it, not able to say it.
“Ok,” Will said, “Ok, I’m sorry. Like I said I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“It’s a pretty fucking big deal,” I said again shaking my head, “Do you know if
he got Da alone at all?”
“I don’t think so. He hasn’t wandered too far from your brother but not too
close either because Adam and I have had an eye on Will pretty close since I
walked in on that,” Dom said.
“Thanks Dom,” I said, “You have no idea how grateful I am.”
“It’s no big deal really. If I had a little brother I’d want someone looking
out for him if a perv was eye raping him and stalking him.” Dom said.
“I’m grateful really,” I said looking at Dom, “He’s my kid you know that,
right?”
“Yeah, I know,” Dom said, “I wouldn’t let that fuck hurt him. You know I
wouldn’t”
“Guys,” Will said, “This is sweet and all but it’s really not a big…”
“Until you’re a one don’t say that,” Adam said shaking his head speaking for
the first time during the whole conversation, “You have no idea. Ones don’t
stick their necks out for each other. It’s not worth it. In our world we did
you a solid ok?”
“Look it’s not that I don’t appreciate it but, you have to see this from my
perspective,” Will said, “You brought me time. That’s all you did. If he wants
to and they tell him it’s ok he will. It doesn’t matter that you stopped him
this time ok? He’ll get what he wants.”
As he said this he couldn’t look at us. We all knew it was probably true but I
wanted to believe that I could keep him safe. He was my little brother. I had
spent a good deal of my life trying my best to keep him safe. I must have been
so lost in thought I didn’t hear him come up behind me.
“So, should I still take care of that problem for you?” Dick asked making the
hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as he was really close.
I swallowed loudly, “I’m good Rich thanks.”
“Rich leave him alone,” Dom huffed.
“Why you want to play instead Commie? Or would you rather suck his dick?” Dick
teased.
“Rich you’re not being funny,” I said shaking my head.
“Not trying to be funny,” Dick said.
“And see this is why I wanted to know that thing I asked you about,” Adam said
putting his arm around my shoulder, “Because I get annoyed dealing with this.”
“I don’t even know who the fuck you are,” Dick hissed.
“Dick this is my brother Adam,” Dom answered.
“Oh, so someone is a one?” Dick scoffed.
“He’s a two now,” Dom answered.
“What did he want to know?” Dick asked curiously.
“Who was fucking gay,” Dom said, “Because you gay guys tend to run your mouths
a little too much in mixed company.”
“I’m not gay,” Dick hissed.
“Yeah says the guy who keep making lude comments about John or to John when no
one is around,” Dom said.
“At least no one has actually made me do it,” Dick shot back.
“Hey, I don’t want to do that with either of you. So, if you excuse me…” I said
turning to walk away when dick grabbed my arm tightly.
“You’re mine. My Dad said you were mine so you stay with me until we’re ready
to leave. You do whatever it is I want you to, understand?” He hissed yanking
on my arm hard making me grimace in pain.
“Leave him alone!” Pat hissed coming over.
“Pat…” I started to ask him not to intervene so that I could save us some
trouble.
“No,” Dick said smiling, “He’s mine. If I want to fuck him I’ll fuck him. If I
want him to blow me he’ll blow me. He’s mine.”
“He’s a fucking person! He doesn’t belong to anyone and if you’re not gay why
would you want to fuck him anyway?” Pat asked.
Dick looked at me, his grip still tight on my elbow as the cogs and wheels in
his tiny brain turned. It took him a moment to answer as his gaze turned back
to Pat, “Maybe I’m bi?” Dick said.
“Yeah well maybe he’s not and maybe he doesn’t want to have sex with you? Maybe
he doesn’t even like you looking at him. Did you ever think that?” Pat asked
him.
“I don’t give a shit,” Dick scoffed squeezing tighter on my arm.
“OWWW Stop it!” I yelled at him trying to pull away, “Come on. It’s my
birthday! Leave me alone Rich!”
“So, let me give you a birthday present,” he said holding the hem of my wet t-
shirt and lifting it up with his other hand as I felt my face burn red. I
didn’t want that. I didn’t want anything like that.
“Leave him alone,” Pat nearly hissed barely above a whisper.
“This isn’t the bus Pat. What are you going to do about it?” Dick taunted,
“Defend your little boyfriend? Draw everyone’s attention to how close you two
are? Don’t you think that would cause more problems for you two than it’s
worth? That’s an automatic bowl draw and you know it.”
“We’re just friends,” Pat lied but I could see his confidence falter.
“Interesting that you say that. You and the Commie look at him exactly the same
way. So, either you’re giving him side action or commie boy over there is. Or
he’s getting it from both of you so …. which is it?” Dick asked.
“We’re just friends,” Pat said again.
“Friends aren’t willing to put their neck on the line especially not in the
brotherhood and not against someone who has been given permission. So, I doubt
you’re just friends unless you want to prove it to me by walking away right now
while I give him a preview of the birthday present my Dad is planning for him,”
Dick warned, “Otherwise whatever this is I’m telling my Dad who is going to
tell his dad and all of this will stop whatever it is right now probably with a
very unpleasant trip to the Villa that only one of you will be walking away
from. You want that?”
“We’re just friends though, right Pat?” I said looking at him.
“That’s what I keep saying,” Pat said.
“Then Pat can prove it by walking away and minding his own business can’t he,
John?” Dick asked.
“Rich please I don’t…” Dick cut me off.
“All you have to fucking do is lay there ok? It won’t even hurt!” Dick
remarked, “Come on. You know you like it.”
I sighed. I didn’t like it. I didn’t want it. I hated that more than I hated
anything else. I sighed my tongue brushing my back moral. It wasn’t like I had
a choice. I could do it here or he would make me do it later when I left for
Leo’s.
“Dick leave him alone,” Pat said.
Dick sighed and looked at him before looking at me closely, “All you have to do
is go into the Sauna with me,” he said, “Come on. If you don’t I’ll make sure
to mention this to my dad. Do you want that? Because he’s awfully mean when he
gets jealous and he would be jealous of this regardless of what you have or
haven’t done with him.”
“I have to leave soon anyway,” I said quietly not looking at Pat ashamed that I
was agreeing to this. Sick to my stomach with the fact that I was going to let
him do it. Not that I had any way out of it to begin with. You should just go.”
“John, no you don’t have to,” Pat said.
“Yes!” I nearly shouted out of anxiety and fear, “Yes, I do.”
“Dick, I mean Rich what if I…” Dick cut Pat off.
“No thanks,” Dick said already knowing what he was going to say, “I don’t think
you’d be nearly as good. Have you tasted him? His skin other parts of him?”
“It’s his birthday,” Pat said shaking his head his eyes wide in disbelief.
“Yeah, it’s not like he won’t enjoy it. You like it, don’t you?” Dick said
running a hand though my chlorine filled hair as he let go of my elbow because
he was sure he had me. That I was going to do what he wanted me to do.
“Hey!” Cole said coming over, “What’s going on?”
“Nothing we’re fine aren’t we John?” Dick said meaning I should tell them to go
away, to buzz off.
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.
“John, you don’t have to do this,” Pat said again knowing how badly this was
tearing me apart inside. How badly I didn’t want to but felt I had to so I
could protect him, protect us.
“He’s not going to do anything,” Dick smirked, “Laying there isn’t really doing
something.”
“It’s his birthday dude. Don’t tell me you’re going to fuck him,” Dom sighed,
“He doesn’t want to.”
“Yeah, he does. Don’t you Johnny?” Dick said to which I nodded my head curtly.
“Look at him he doesn’t want it. Why do you have to bother him so much? Don’t
tell me you seriously have a thing for him,” Dom scoffed shaking his head
saying something for the first time during the whole altercation probably
because of his fear because of what Dick tried to force us to do at the Villa.
“He belongs to my dad,” Dick answered, “Even if I had a thing for him it
couldn’t go anywhere. Not really. Not unless I contracted him which by the time
I’m old enough to hold a contract he’ll be old enough to say no. So, I can fool
around with him but I’m not allowed to have feelings for him.”
“Feeling don’t work that way and you know it,” Cole said shaking his head,
“Dude it’s his birthday if he’s your friend, if you care about him at all you
won’t make him do this.”
“I want to suck his dick!” Dick shouted at them suddenly making me fidget
uneasily, “I’m not going to fucking hurt him ok? I’m not going to fuck him. I’m
just going to enjoy him all right?”
Dom made a hissing sound between his teeth, “Not cool.”
“It doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it feels down right awesome,” Dick said.
“That’s something he hates,” Pat said, “He hates it like, really hates it.”
“I’ll make him like it. Maybe you’re just bad at it,” Dick commented, “And
don’t tell me you haven’t I’ve watched the videos.”
Pat’s face flushed red slightly, “That’s beside the point. He doesn’t like it
do you John?”
I shook my head and then watched Wallace and Chad walk up to my little brother
and Adam who had moved away from us slightly. This was a big problem. A huge
problem. I sighed feeling my body shaking knowing I wouldn’t be able to help us
both.
“Pat,” I said pointing behind him to which he turned a swore under his breath.
Dick laughed, “Want me to call them off? Get them to leave your buddies alone?
Come with me? They’ll listen to me especially if I offer them something in
return.”
He meant me. He meant offer them me. It wouldn’t be the first time I had put
myself in the line of fire to save my brother because he mattered to me more
than I did. He didn’t deserve that, Wallace forcing him to do those types of
things.
“I’ll take care of it,” Dom said and Cole nodded before he started to walk over
there as I saw Wallace get into Will’s face Will near the edge of the pool like
he was about to jump in just to get away from him.
“Pat go help,” I said motioning my head towards the situation where voices were
starting to raise.
“No,” Pat said shaking his head, “Not until he agrees to back down.”
“He’s not…” Dick cut me off.
“I’m not backing down lover boy. You’re just going to have to get over the fact
I got a yes where as he’s never given you a yes in his life has he?” Dick said,
“Tired of it feeling forced? Jealous?”
“We’re just friends,” Pat and I said in unison.
“Doesn’t mean you don’t want it to be more,” Dick said before he grabbed me
around the waist pressing his body into mine his hardness against my stomach,
“Come on baby. Just a little I’ll call them off I promise.”
“Don’t whisper to him!” Pat said, “Leave him alone. Seriously Dick, what the
fuck is your problem? He obviously doesn’t want to and he’s obviously scared
you’re going to get us killed for nothing. He’s so scared he’s shaking. Look at
his hands.”
“That could just be nerves. You don’t know that he doesn’t shake when he’s
excited,” Dick said running a hand up and down the nape of my neck as I looked
at him his other hand staying on my waist.
“St-st-oop them,” I barely managed to stammer out my whole body just tingling
as he ran his fingers up and down my neck slowly making me feel light headed.
“HEY GUYS!” Dick shouted, “Come over here a second, will you?”
Wallace looked at him and sighed but moved away from where Adam had pulled my
brother back trying to keep him a safe distance away from Wallace and Chad
followed him. I sighed as they came towards us pretty sure I knew where this
was going. That whatever Dick wanted to do to me they were going to get to do
too.
“What?” Wallace asked him seeming upset.
“Why are you hung up on that kid? There’s plenty of toys around,” Dick asked
him.
“Look at him and tell me he’s not irresistible,” Wallace said not caring his
was in front of two bottoms who didn’t like being talked about like that, let
alone the fact he was talking about my brother.
“He’s not a toy. He’s my little brother,” I warned them.
“Why play with the second model when you can have the first Wallace?” Dick
asked letting me go and walking over to Wallace, clapping him on the shoulder,
“If you want to you can think of it as perfecting your technique.”
“Stop it!” Pat hissed trying to come over to me before Chad grabbed me.
“I don’t think so,” Chad said as I started trying to push him away as he made
smooching sounds in my ear.
“No,” I said shaking my head, “No, let me go.”
“Now now, you said you would do anything remember?” Dick said.
“No, I didn’t,” I said shaking my head.
“I said if I offered them something, you knew what I was talking about don’t
pretend you didn’t,” Dick said as Pat went to move forward his whole body
tensing like he was ready to strike.
“Hey! I think it’s time for us to start shipping out boys,” Uncle Ben said from
somewhere behind me where I couldn’t see him, “If you don’t mind I think those
whose parents aren’t here should start heading home, unless of course you’re
waiting for a ride. Dom, Adam, Pat, Cole that means you guys. Come on.”
“You’re kidding,” Pat said shaking his head at Uncle Ben.
“Now, now didn’t we agree that you’d behave or you weren’t coming?” Ben asked
him, “Get out of here if you’re going to cause trouble. If not, you can sit
back shut up and wait, understand?”
Pat sighed heavily his face telling me he was about to explode and freak out.
His temper barely under control, “John…”
“Just go!” I said shaking my head still trying to shrug Chad off me.
“Ok, I’ll see you Monday?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “Come on, Cole.”
“Sorry,” Cole said turning and following Pat as they got the attention of Dom
and Adam and Uncle Ben walked them to the front door.
“Have fun guys,” Wallace said walking over to where Will was standing.
“That wasn’t the deal,” I said shaking my head still struggling with Chad,
“That wasn’t the deal stop him!”
“He has permission from your brothers Contract. Nothing I can do about that,
sorry kid,” Dick said shaking his head as Chad started walking me towards the
Sauna.
“He doesn’t have a contract holder!” I said.
“Your brother has been keeping stuff from you if that’s what you think,” he
said as he opened the door and Chad forced me inside. Dick shutting the door
behind us as he pulled his swim trunks off and Chad pushed me into Dick’s arms.
“No,” I said shaking my head.
“Relax it’s hot,” Dick said shrugging his shoulders grabbing the bottom of the
back of my shirt trying to force it up over my head.
“Can’t I leave my clothes on?” I asked feeling a bit of panic.
“Oh, come on,” Dick said, “Don’t act like I haven’t seen you naked before baby.
And you look good naked. Very good. Don’t you think Chad?”
“He’s a little soft but not bad,” Chad commented coming up behind me and
putting his hands on my shirt as well.
“Stop,” I said shaking my head pushing back off of Dick’s chest only to have my
back bump into Chad because they weren’t giving me much room to move.
“God he’s tiny like a girl,” Chad said sniffing the back of my head.
“Let me go please,” I said as they finally pulled my shirt up over my head,
“Please don’t do this.”
“What are you so afraid of?” Chad hissed in my ear from behind, “That you’ll
like it?”
“Rich please,” I begged him looking him in the eyes to which he grabbed my chin
and Chad started fiddling with my draw string on my bathing suit.
“It’s ok, it won’t be like the Villa if you don’t make it that way all right?”
Dick said quietly as my bathing suit slipped from my hips leaving me naked my
pelvis pressed against his legs as I felt Chad’s hands on my ass.
“Nice,” Chad muttered quietly and I felt his weigh shift somehow his hands
leaving for a minute and then coming up feeling up the back of my thighs his
hands spreading my butt cheeks making me whimper. What the hell was he doing? I
remember thinking that. Not sure what exactly was going on behind me but
feeling his hands petting my thighs and ass making me feel terrified.
“It’s ok baby,” Dick said cupping my face in his hands kissing my forehead,
“Just think of it as a birthday present you’ll enjoy it.”
I felt wetness on the small of my back a tongue as Dick got down on his knees
in front of me putting my hands on his head as he started kissing and licking
my pelvis. I remember shaking my head trying to breathe trying to calm myself
down knowing how much trouble I would be in if I pushed them away if I said no
before I felt the tongue slide into my asshole making me gasps before I could
stop myself.
“Holy shit,” I barely muttered trying to breathe as Dick grabbed me and started
pumping rubbing me slowly sliding his thumb over my slit making me hard.
“Yeah?” Dick said looking excited, “Chad here, he’s kind of straight he said
that eating an ass is like eating any ass especially when it’s mostly hairless
so…I figured he could help me out here. What do you think?” He smiled at me
before sliding his tongue along the head of my penis.
“No,” I shook my head wanting to pull away probably moving my weigh in some way
because Chad grabbing a hold of the back of my thighs hard trying to keep me
still.
“Just relax, you’ll melt,” Dick said before he deep throated me taking me into
the back of his throat making it almost impossible for me to keep standing that
tingling already unbearable.
I hated it. I hated not being to get away. The two of them holding me as
tightly as they could their mouths on me the feeling of Chad’s tongue moving in
and out of me ticking the sensitive skin around my entrance. This was something
I wasn’t ok with. This was like the two things I hated most happening at once
and my body wasn’t letting me fight back me even trying to move my legs
difficult.
“Stop,” I whined as I felt the pressure finally moving down below after
traveling through my body starting to build as I got closer and closer to
orgasm me pulling at the hair on Dick’s head trying to get his hands off my
balls his mouth off my cock as Chad’s tongue swirled circles around my back end
his fingers on one hand started to tease my entrance as he held one of my butt
cheeks open with his other hand his knees on either side of my left leg trying
to me keep me from moving.
“Stop,” I said again shaking my head, “Stop god please stop, stop, stop stop, I
don’t, stop… please stop, please, stop, stop,” I begged my face red with effort
of trying to continue to pass air through my body when every muscle in my being
wanted to seize, tighten up and stop working my shoulders tensing and untensing
repeatedly as my leg muscles cramped from supporting my own weigh and the
pressure of Chad’s knees digging into the sides of my ankle.
“Stop,” I begged barely able to choke the word out as my eyes started filling
up my tears my body giving into their demands as they kept going.
“You taste so fucking good though,” Dick said before licking up and down the
side of my shaft as I tried to push him away my knees starting to buckle as
Dick deep throated me the sucking noises the only thing that could be heard as
I tried to keep fighting it my ass still being eaten, my dick balls deep in his
mouth as I started to cry feeling like my body was overrun with that cold fire
knowing I was close and that I didn’t want to be.
That it was so fucking wrong and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop myself
from coming. This was my birthday. It was supposed to be my day and yet they
couldn’t even give me one fucking day. Chad pulled away breathing deeply, “You
do taste nice, should I give you some relief? See if I can find it?” He hissed
into the small of my back licking and kissing there.
“Stop please just stop,” I whimpered as I felt Chad’s finger slide into me.
“Must have licked you nice and good huh? No problems, that’s awesome. Might
make it easier to find,” he said moving his finger in and out using a come-
hither motion inside of me moving his finger around until I hissed my whole
body contracting, “There it is. I’ll make it feel really nice birthday boy.”
“Stop,” I said as his finger bumped against my prostate again causing me to
squeeze my muscles together trying to stop myself from coming just as he found
an angle where he refused to break contact. My whole finally mostly collapsing,
my weight making me unable to move. I shot my orgasm in Dick’s mouth, making
him moan in pleasure as he swallowed continuing to suck on me. There was a
pound on the door making both Dick and Chad jump in surprise as I nearly fell
to the ground on my knees Dick catching me with his shoulders just in time.
“Guys it’s time to go,” I heard Leo’s voice on the other side of the door,
“Aren’t you done yet?”
“Yeah Dad come in,” Dick said grabbing his shorts and pulling them back on as
Chad held me sitting down on the Sauna bench touching me starting to rub me
making me bite my bottom lip. My body beyond over stimulated every touch
feeling like a shock to my system.
“Having fun huh?” Leo asked looking at Chad.
“Yeah, I think Rich was right, he’d turn any guy gay. Even his ass tastes
good,” Chad said, “I can’t wait until I get a chance to try his other juices.”
He kissed my neck and started sucking and biting on it his hand still around my
cock. I squeezed my eyes closed.
“God that’s beautiful,” Leo breathed, “But I’ve got to get him home. Get him
some food probably and then well, him and I need to discuss something.”
“Can I play with him another time then?” Chad asked, “Like maybe come over some
weekend and hang out with Rich and then we can…”
“I’ll think about it,” Leo cut him off, “In the summer there will probably be
more time since we’re going to be switching weeks. If I get to recontract him
which is looking hopeful. I’ll see you later Rich ok? I know you have to take
Wallace and Chad home.”
“Ok Dad,” Rich said, “See you later.”
Leo grabbed me gently by the shoulder as Chad handed Leo my clothes, my shirt
and swim trunks. Leo steered me away from the Sauna and towards the door back
into the living room where Wallace was sitting watching TV. I didn’t see Will
anywhere. However, I wasn’t stupid. I didn’t have any hope that Will hadn’t
been hurt since Wallace had been trying to get his hands on him for a while.
“Shouldn’t I…” I started saying.
“Put some clothes on?” Leo interrupted, “Yeah you can put your shorts back on.”
“No shirt?” I asked quietly.
“You won’t need one baby I promise,” Leo said handing me my shorts which I slid
back on as he sighed, “It’s a shame to watch you put clothes on.”
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