Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/9150364.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Eyewitness_(US_TV)
  Relationship:
      Philip_Shea/Lukas_Waldenbeck
  Character:
      Philip_Shea, Lukas_Waldenbeck, Helen_Torrance, Gabe_Caldwell, Rose_
      (Eyewitness), Original_Male_Character(s)
  Additional Tags:
      Canon_Universe, Attempted_Murder, Murder, Drug_Use, Daddy_Issues, lol,
      "season_two"_sorta_ideas, Internalized_Homophobia, Coming_Out
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-01-01 Updated: 2017-01-03 Chapters: 2/? Words: 7352
****** The Happy Kid ******
by fuckingfatass
Summary
     “I have the chance to reconcile things with my father,” Lukas said,
     reaching out to hold Philip’s hand in case he upset him at all. “I
     think you should have the same shot.”
     There were several things that only happened once in someone's life,
     whether it be marriage or falling in love, or getting an awesome
     motocross sponsorship. Maybe reconciling with your father was one of
     them, and while felt it was a bad idea, he went through with it,
     anyway.
     However, something that should never happen once in someone's life is
     being an eyewitness to a murder, and it should certainly never happen
     twice. However, Philip went through with it, anyway.
      
     ---------------------------
     Takes place after the events of 01x10
Notes
     hey guys! I don't have much explanation for this rather than I wanted
     to push myself and write something plot heavy, so I've decided to
     write a "potential" season two idea, just because I love the show and
     Philip and Lukas, so I wanted to be able to make something
     interesting for them. Thanks for checking it out :)
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
“Do you think I should tell everyone at the New Year’s party?” Lukas asked,
turning to look at Philip, who was absentmindedly fiddling with his phone.
“Sure,” Philip replies distantly, not really caring about what Lukas was
saying. This happened anytime there was a slightly significant event going on
with his school friends. He always said he was going to tell them, but he never
did, so Philip stopped hoping a while ago.
                Well, he stopped letting himself hope. Each time without fail,
his heart would leap and his brain would instantly begin to imagine all sorts
of situations where things would be different. They would arrive at school
together, his hands wrapped around Lukas’ waist and the smell of gas clogging
his nostrils. They would get looks, sure, but they’d move past it and only hang
out with the people that were cool with it. They could hold hands in the
hallway, fool around in class, and they wouldn’t have to meet on the damn
rooftop any longer. Philip wasn’t afraid of heights, but he was starting to
develop a hatred for them.
                “Hey, dude,” Lukas said, waving his hand in front of his face
until he got him to focus again. “Part of a conversation is to, you know,
respond to the other person.”
                “Sorry, uh” Philip paused, laughing sheepishly. “What were you
saying?”
                Lukas groaned and rolled his eyes, shoving his chest lightly.
                “You suck,” he said, before pushing Philip down into the straw
of the barn and kissing him, knowing it would be reciprocated.
                Of course it would be, they were in private.
                Philip’s bitter thoughts were dismissed by the absolutely
overwhelming feeling of warmth and happiness that came with being intimate with
Lukas. The gut wrenching ache that Gabe described never failed to make an
appearance when he tangled his hands in Lukas’ hair, or when he stuck his
tongue in his mouth and Lukas nibbled on his lip in return. The shivers also
never failed to appear when Lukas’ hands made their way up his shirt, pulling
it off slowly and his mouth followed suit, kissing every new bit of exposed
skin.
                “Hold on a second,” Philip mumbled, looking for his wallet to
find a condom.
                “I got one, I got one,” Lukas breathed out heavily, fumbling
with his own pants and smirking at the surprised look on Philip’s face. “What?
I thought I should start carrying them, too.”
                “Fair enough.”
----
 
                By the time they were done, they were lying in the hay still,
and as nice as it was to cuddle in the afterglow, the hay was becoming
increasingly itchy on Philip’s skin and he wanted to move.
                “Let’s go back,” Lukas offered before Philip could even say
something. He didn’t know if he had read his mind or not, but either way he was
more than eager to accept.
                “Wanna go through the back and see what Helen and Gabe are
talking about?” Philip offered with a small smirk. They had both long since
learned that the only way to get any honest insight into Philip’s parents’
thoughts was to eavesdrop. Maybe it was because they were trying to protect
them, and wait until they could filter their words, but neither of them wanted
that. Plus, it was the only way they figured out that Helen actually liked
Lukas, despite how cold she was to him.
                “What if they’re having sex?”
                “Gross, man,” Philip said and shivered. “Don’t make me think
about that. I have to hear it, I don’t want envision it, too.”
                Both boys went quiet when they finally got near the house,
sneaking around, crouched as if they were investigating or hiding from an
enemy. Perhaps it was unnecessary, but it was fun.
                Philip slowly creaked the back door open, glad that he had
convinced Gabe to oil it so that they could sneak in easier (Ironically, Gabe
thought Philip had asked that so he could sneak out easily, which was funny
since he was more than willing to help him do it). They continued their way to
the kitchen, where they could hear the tension before they could process the
words.
                ‘Oh, shit,’ Lukas mouthed to Philip, getting a mischievous
smile in return as they hid behind a wall, Philip leaning over to hear what
they were saying as well as possible.
                “Why do you always have to distrust everyone, Helen!” Gabe
snapped back, his voice not a yell but threatening to become one did he not
have as much respect for his wife as he did.
                “Because anyone could hurt him!” She responded. “I’m a mother.
That’s what I do.If the guy doesn’t have anything to worry about, then there
shouldn’t be a problem!”
                “Yeah, Philip’ll love that, knowing that you interrogated his
father,” Gabe groaned, rubbing his forehead. “The kid can make his own
judgements! He may be your kid, but he’s a smart one at that.”
                Philip didn’t hear anything that came out of Gabe’s mouth after
the word father. He didn’t remember much about him at all. He knew he had one,
and he knew that he had been abandoned by one. His mother had tried her hardest
to convince him that he was a good person, but Philip never bought it.
                But what did his father have to do with anything? There was no
way he found him all the way out in Tivoli. There was no way he would have
found him in the city. Even if he could have found him, there’s no way he
would’ve cared.
                “Philip, come on, stop spacing out on me,” Lukas whispered,
shaking his boyfriend for added effect. “I thought you didn’t know your dad.”
                “I don’t,” Philip replied too quickly, too defensively to be
the simple truth. “I mean, he left. I don’t know why he’d come back or how he’d
find me.”
                “Maybe it was because of your mother…” Lukas said gently,
trying to dance around the subject of her death. He knew firsthand how the
trauma worked, and he didn’t want to rub it in his face even more. There would
be a  day where the two of them could heal over the loss of their mothers on a
deeper level, but Philip wasn’t ready for that.
                “I guess,” he replied, jaw tightening in underlying rage at the
idea of even seeing his dad. “I don’t think he cared about her either, since he
left.”
                Lukas bit his lip, trying to decide if he wanted to be positive
or not, and deciding to bite the bullet and try, anyway.
                “You don’t know that, maybe he had a change of heart, maybe he
cares?”
                “No.”
                “You might as well see, maybe he does—“
                “He doesn’t!” Philip snapped. “Not everyone’s dad loves them
unconditionally! Not everyone’s dad wants to be a good father, Lukas.”
                Gabe and Helen went silent as soon as they heard Philip’s
outburst, and when they heard his words, their hearts sunk further than they
already had.
                “Ah, shit,” Gabe said, rubbing his temples and then dragging
his hands down his face.
                “Come on out, boys,” Helen demanded sternly, but with her
typical caring undertone in her voice. They had long since deciphered her
different types of concern.
                Sheepishly, both of them stood up, Philip helping Lukas to his
feet but staring at both of them with a stringent enough glare that even Helen
felt pressured by it.
                “I don’t want anything to do with my father,” Philip spoke
apathetically, voice cold and strong, holding back any emotions that may be
attached.
                “Fine by me.”
                “Helen!”
                “What? It’s not like the kid has any good reason to want to see
him, and I don’t have any good reason to trust him.”
                Gabe groaned, finding both of them impossibly stubborn. That
was probably why they clashed all the time, the two of them were too similar
and too bullheaded to budge on anything, ever.
                “Look, Philip, you’re still a minor, and we’re still only
foster parents,” Gabe began, trying to argue his point. “Your father seems to
have a good head on his shoulders. If we don’t let him see you, I don’t want
him to try and pull anything legally. You don’t want to be stuck with him, do
you?”
                “No,” Philip said, clenching his jaw in frustration and looking
down at the ground, shaking slightly and arms clenching his biceps lightly. He
finally looked up, but at Lukas instead of his foster parents.
                “What?” Lukas asked, eyes widening a bit and a nervous smile
finding its way up his face.
                “I don’t know. What do you think?” Philip murmured, twisting
his body towards him when he spoke and then back to his floor.
                “Of course you have to put this on me,” Lukas whined, running a
hand through his hair. “Uh, I don’t know, I mean…”
                There was no good way to approach the situation. Philip really
had no one. Gabe and Helen were support, but they weren’t the same as parents.
Neither of them had a mom, and neither of them were close with their fathers,
but Lukas was working towards it.
                “I have the chance to reconcile things with my father,” Lukas
said, reaching out to hold Philip’s hand in case he upset him at all. “I think
you should have the same shot.”
                There was a long moment of silence, Gabe and Helen waiting for
Philip’s response to see who he would side with and plan what they were going
to do.
                “Fine,” his voice was forced and timid, like it barely found
its way out of his throat. “Fine. I’ll give him a chance.”
                “Alright, great,” Gabe let out a sigh of relief. “We’ll have
you guys meet tomorrow, then, okay? You don’t have any plans, do you?”
                “Not really, it’s Saturday.”
                “Glad to hear it. It’s late, why don’t you get some sleep?”
                Philip nodded and looked over at Lukas, who only gave him a
clueless look in return. Philip leaned his head forward in the direction of
Helen, pursing his lips and trying to subtly give him his cue.
                “Oh! Oh, um, can I stay the night?”
                “Absolutely,” Helen replied quickly with a solid smile, and
Gabe nodded beside her in agreement.
                “Cool, well, good night,” Philip said and began to head
upstairs, followed by Lukas.
                “Ah! Hold on a second,” Helen interjected, snapping her fingers
at them. “Lukas stays downstairs.”
                Philip let out a frustrated sigh through his nose and Lukas
rubbed his back, giving Helen an understanding smile. He was just as upset as
Philip was, but he wanted to make a good impression on everyone he met, so if
that meant being complacent then so be it.
                ‘Goodnight’ Philip texted as soon as he lied down in his bed.
                ‘Come downstairs. Miss u’ Lukas responded, and Philip snorted,
texting him that he missed him too and turned his phone off for the night. If
he was lucky enough, he’d see Lukas in his cheesy, rom-com fairytale like
dreams.
                It started out like that. They were out on the lake, in Gabe’s
boat, Philip lying on top of Lukas and listening to his heartbeat.
                “I love you, Lukas,” Philip said, as he always did in his
dreams or any time that Lukas couldn’t hear him in the real world.
                “I love you, too, Philip,” Lukas said, as he always did in a
world where he didn’t care about being judged.
                “Hey, get up,” Lukas suddenly said, pulling Philip to his feet,
both of them wobbling and trying to keep steady. Philip’s anxiety immediately
took over the dream, his heart pounding and hands sweating, even with Lukas by
him.
                “You need to learn how to swim, Philip. It would be a big help
to me,” Lukas didn’t sound like Lukas anymore, and Philip couldn’t even tell if
he looked like him, his vision spinning and blurring as the world rushed around
him and all he could see were flashes of water.
                “If you do a good job,” he continued. “You’ll make me really
happy.”
                Philip couldn’t breathe, but he wasn’t even underwater yet. It
was like his body was expecting what was going to happen.
                “I’m tired of waiting,” was the only warning he got until he
was shoved off the boat, body slamming into the water and sinking. He was
helpless to get himself up and out of the water no matter how hard he
struggled. He just kept sinking, and sinking, and sinking…
                …and gasping for breath, grasping onto the pillows to try and
ground himself. Philip took a few seconds to realize where he was, and remember
that it was only a dream before he fell back onto the bed. He turned his phone
on instantly, knowing Lukas was probably up because of his own nightmares.
                ‘U up?’
                ‘Yeah,’ was the response. ‘Why are u?’
                Philip, paused, not thinking of a good response or excuse.
                ‘Couldn’t sleep?’ Lukas added in, snapping him back to reality.
                ‘sure’
                ‘did u have a nightmare?’
                ‘no’
                ‘want me to come upstairs?’
                ‘Yeah’
                When Lukas got upstairs, he was sweating a bit from the fear of
being caught, but a smile broke out on his face when he saw Philip. It was
contagious, because soon one was covering Philip’s face as well. He scooted
over, allowing enough room for Lukas to join him.
                “Wanna talk about it?”
                “No.”
                “Okay,” Lukas replied, and that was the end of that. Lukas
wrapped his hands around Philip and held him close, rubbing his back until he
fell asleep. Philip would feel a little selfish in the morning, considering
Lukas also had been awake due to his nightmares, but he had done the same for
Lukas countless times, so it was only fair.
                Philip’s dreams were normal for the rest of the night, and in
them, both of them were safe and happy.
                “Want me to come in with you?” Helen asked, grabbing Philip’s
knee protectively as she parked the jeep in front of the café where Philip’s
father had arranged to meet. It was a little weird that he had done so through
Helen, but Gabe reassured Philip he was just nervous and probably wanted his
first time talking to him again to be in person. Still, it unsettled him.
                “What? Uh, no, I’m good.” Philip said and grabbed his bag,
wishing that maybe Lukas could have been with him, but he was busy practicing
motocross before the big party tonight. He didn’t ask him to come, not wanting
to bother him. No matter how much Lukas reassured him he liked him, Philip
couldn’t help but feel like he was on thin ice as long as he was kept a secret.
                Philip walked into the café, looking around at the tables
before realizing that he had no idea what his dad could look like. He could
have changed a lot in the years he had seen him, it had been over a decade
after all.
                Apparently, it wasn’t mutual, because he heard his name being
called from the corner of the café. He followed the voice and saw a man with
black hair, big brown eyes to match his own, and by the looks of it, he was
tall.
                “Hey, Philip,” the man—his father—said, greeting him with a
gesture that looked like an invitation to hug. Philip stepped back, avoiding it
coldly and taking a seat.
                His father took a deep breath and bit his lip, nodding to
himself with his hands on his hips as he tried to recover his composure and
attitude. He had expected as much from Philip.
                “That’s alright, I understand,” he added, even though Philip
had been silent. He sat down across from him, folding his hands over the table.
                “I ordered for us,” his dad said, motioning to two vanilla
shakes.
                “I’m lactose intolerant,” Philip lied, for no other reason than
to try and get to his dad. Part of him wanted to make him feel like a bad
father if he was actually putting forth the effort to being a good one. He
didn’t trust him or think that was the case, but either way he cared about
Philip’s perception of him, or he wouldn’t be here.
                “Oh,” his dad replied, awkwardly shifting in his seat. “I’m
sorry. Go ahead and order anything you’d like.”
                Philip didn’t open the menu. He had no interest in indebting
himself to this man and wanted to continue to make things worse. Really, he
should be giving him a chance, but he already decided in his mind that this
would go south, so he was, in his own way, making it happen accordingly.
                “So…” his father stalled, looking around the diner. “Do you
want me to make small talk, or explain myself.”
                “I don’t care.”
                “Alright, okay, I understand,” his dad replied, defeated
easily. “I don’t expect you to like me, Philip. I really don’t. But things
between your mother and I, they weren’t going to work out. She wouldn’t let me
take you, and I’d rather you hate me then have to be split between the two of
us. Then you wouldn’t trust either of us.”
                “So you just disappeared from my life?”
                “I guess,” He admitted. “But now that your mother has…passed, I
wanted to be back to support you. Since she can’t, I’ll step up to the plate. I
want to be here for you, I always have.”
                Philip could feel his eye twitch.
“You wanted to support me so you fucking left?” He asked, throwing his hands up
in frustration and looking up to the ceiling as if it could offer him any sort
of advice.
                “I didn’t want you to grow up split between us.”
                “So you’d rather I grow up in the slums of the city? You’re a
great dad.”
                He sighed, knowing that Philip had trapped him in a box.
                “You’re right. I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I will never be
able to make up for the time I wasn’t your father. But I can prevent you from
living without a father for your whole life. I just want you to give me a
chance, Philip.”
                Philip took a deep breath, looking at his hands and reading the
quick messages Lukas had been sending him in between jumps. He had given Lukas
a lot of chances, and now he was happier than ever with him. If he had a shot
to repairing his relationship with his father, then he should take it.
                It was foolish to think he even had a chance, but that didn’t
stop him from doing as he always did, and hope that that wasn’t the case, just
like he hoped that Lukas would come around at the New Year’s party tonight.
                “Alright,” Philip finally said. “I’ll give you a chance.”
                The look of relief that flashed across his father’s face was
almost flattering. Almost. He could be a good actor. Philip had met a lot of
good actors in his life, his boyfriend being one of them.
                “Why don’t you, um, tell me about yourself?”
                “Why don’t you tell me about yourself? I don’t even know your
name.”
                “Oh,” he said, surprised and a bit foolish. “My name is
Abraham.”
-----
 
                “You’re late,” Lukas pointed out, smiling when he saw Philip
finally get back to his house. He had declined Abraham’s offer to drive him
home and instead opted to walk back.
                “Are you even sure I should come to this party?” Philip said,
shifting on the balls of his feet. “I don’t really have any friends besides
you, and I don’t know if you want people talking about us.”
                “It’ll be fine,” Lukas said, reassuring him. “Remember my Déjà
vu? Maybe that’ll be today.”
                Philip snorted and rolled his eyes, pulling Lukas in for a
kiss. “Maybe.”
                Philip couldn’t help but rest his head on Lukas’ back when they
rode to the party, listening to the loud rumbling noise of the bike’s engine as
if it was a lullaby. There was something so serene about being with Lukas. That
was one of the reasons why he wanted everyone to know, he wanted everyone to
see how happy he was. This was his happiness, and he wanted to be Philip Shea,
the happy kid, not some loner freak.
                “I love you,” he whispered into his chest, too quiet for Lukas
to hear over the engine, but it satisfied enough for the moment.
                He spotted the house come into view and immediately
straightened up. People had gotten used to the idea of Philip and Lukas being
friends, several people making jokes about how they had gone from fighting to
friends, and that that was the true mark of manhood. That always made Philip
laugh, because it would change so fast if they knew the truth. It always made
Lukas nervous.
                “Hey,” Rose greeted them, jogging over to give both of them a
hug and a knowing look. “Come inside, guys! We got plenty of booze and music
playing. This far out is basically the only time I can hear anyone.”
                Lukas laughed and soon some of his other friends joined,
talking to him about his motocross sponsorship or some hot girl they saw at the
party, apparently, she was from the city and had come with her friend who
attended Red Hook.
                And just like that, Philip was put to the side lines, no longer
the loner kid but the lingering one, on the outskirts of Lukas’ charisma and
charm.
 
----
                Around midnight, Philip realized that Lukas wasn’t going to be
coming out, that he wasn’t going to get to kiss anyone on New Year’s, and that
he had far too much to drink. Had he even tried to talk to Lukas, his words
would come out slurred. He was better off at home, and just the thought of
going back alone made his stomach churn in a way very unlike the ache of love.
                However, he decided to do so anyway. He couldn’t stand to see
Lukas torn this way and that, mouthing apologies to Philip that didn’t mean
anything. Philip was still a freak in their eyes, and they’d do anything to
isolate him, and Lukas would do anything to surround himself, it seemed.
                Thirty minutes into his drunken stumble around the woods, he
remembered he didn’t know where he was or how to get back home. He ended up
slumped against a tree, barely conscious as he took another drink from the
bottle of whiskey he had taken. At least he always had his whiskey when he
didn’t have Lukas.
                “I’m pathetic,” he thought to himself, chuckling bitterly at
the thought and throwing the bottle at the tree, jumping when a loud bang
sounded through the forest once the glass shattered against the bark.
                That wasn’t just the bottle, and Philip would be a fool to
think so. He probably should leave, not wanting to repeat the past. However,
wasted out of his mind and inhibitions gone, his curiosity got the better of
him and he began to wander through the forest aimlessly, jumping when he heard
a few more gunshots.
                Eventually, he tripped over a branch and slammed face first
into the soft dirt by the lake’s edge. When he turned around to grab his aching
ankle, he nearly screamed when he saw that the branch wasn’t a branch at all,
but instead a body. He would have screamed, actually, that is until a hand
clamped over his mouth, silencing any sort of sound that tried to escape
through his throat. He kicked and thrashed, managing to get out of the hold and
scramble across the dirt, the adrenaline sobering him up slightly.
                “Not again,” Philip thought. This couldn’t be happening. Of
course it was happening. Why did he have to be stupid and follow the damn
sound. Logically, it could have been fireworks or hunting, maybe it was just
his luck.
                His swollen ankle was grabbed and he crashed to the ground,
struggling again as the killer climbed on top of him and straddled him,
blocking himself against Philip’s punches and attempts to throw him off of
himself. Eventually, the man pinned his hands down, breathing heavily.
                “Philip!” The man shouted. “Philip, it’s me.”
                Philip opened his eyes, unaware he had closed them in fear, and
stared up at Abraham, shocked.
                “Philip, I’m sorry,” he said sincerely, looking like he was
about to cry. “You can’t tell anyone what you saw.”
                Philip’s eyes found their way to the gun his father had dropped
when wrestling with him, and then to the body beside them. He put the pieces
together, and fear flooded him instantly. He would have turned his father in in
a heartbeat, but he was his father. He knew him, he knew what he looked like.
Philip had no idea if Helen or Gabe had mentioned Lukas either.
                He had time, he had time to make his decision.
                “Philip,” Abraham’s voice was unstable, his hands shaking.
“Philip. Tell me I can trust you.”
                He swallowed, eyes looking at the gun and then back to his
father. He didn’t know what else he was expected to say.
                “Yeah…yeah,” Philip whispered. “You can trust me.”
 
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
     Hey guys! I'm updating fairly quickly, but that's mostly because I
     have college starting up again soon and i don't really want to leave
     this hanging at just one chapter. I'll try to update quickly even
     during next semester. Thanks for the positive response so far, it's
     really encouraging.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Abraham let out a massive sigh of relief, shoulders relaxing slightly and hands
moving up to stroke his thumbs across Philip’s cheeks. In the back of his head,
he noted how rough his father’s fingers felt behind the gloves he was wearing.
“Thank you, Philip,” He barely said, his words coming out more as a labored
breath. “Take this, take this.”
Philip looked down at what his father was shoving into his hands, jumping when
he saw his father’s guns held sloppily between his fingers.
“Calm down!” His father yelled, grabbing Philip’s shoulders to still him. “The
safety—the safety isn’t on, so, you might not want to be so liberal with it.”
No matter how hard he tried to swallow, it was like Philip had a frog, no, more
accurately a rock stuck in his throat. His breathing was just as labored as his
father and his vision was still spinning, and it probably wasn’t from the
alcohol.
“What do you want me to do with this?” Philip asked, looking up at his father
and eyes searching to find any indication that this was a dream, a
hallucination, something better than what was really happening. “What…what
happened?”
His father winced when Philip’s voice cracked, almost as if he had been praying
for him to not be scared.
“It doesn’t matter,” Abraham finally answered, shaking his head and biting his
lip. “What matters is what we’re going to say happened, alright?”
He pulled Philip up to his feet, yanking him up by the crux of his elbow, not
missing how his son stumbled to stand when all his focus was on the gun in his
hands. Abraham left him to walk over to the dead body, where the blood had
already stopped flowing and slowly dried on his clothes. Philip wanted to vomit
when he looked at the man’s eyes, wide open and staring emptily at the sky.
“Shit,” his father said and took the gun from Philip again, watching as he
leaned over to vomit, unaware that his son couldn’t help but think of the other
corpses in the cabin, and most importantly, how close he was to having Lukas in
his arms, staring up at him just as blankly.
“Philip!” His dad yelled, shaking him, ignoring how his son looked up at him
with drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. “Snap out of it! Come on!”
He dragged Philip over, looking at the body and then back to Philip, running a
hand through his hair and shaking his head. He put it back in Philip’s hand,
moving his fingers around it and then finally forcing him to have his fingers
wrapped around it.
“Shoot it,” His father demanded. “So that you have gunpowder on you. Shoot it,
come on.”
Philip stared up at him, doing nothing.
“Shoot it, Philip!”
Philip shook his head, finally snapping out of the trap his father was trying
to put him in. “I said you could trust me, not that you could frame me for
this!”
“I’m not trying to trap you!” His father replied, laughing nervously. “Look,
this guy, he’s, uh, he’s a drug lord. Like the Viscovis. A bunch of them are
using Tivoli and nearby areas after the Viscovis got taken out, okay. They
don’t take well to people denying them, alright?”
Philip wasn’t really following, still feeling too dizzy and shocked and
nauseous to really make sense of anything his father was saying. He nodded
along, anyway.
“So, just say that you stumbled here—you were at a party, right?—and that this
man offered you drugs. He has coke in his pocket. You said no, and he went to
kill you, so that you wouldn’t snitch, okay? The Sherriff’s office doesn’t know
that they’re in Tivoli, so they didn’t want that to change, okay?”
It wasn’t okay. Philip kept trying to speak up but anytime he did, his dad
would grip his shoulder in a way that made him feel like he was in danger, even
though he was the one holding the gun.
“So, when he’s strangling you, you grab his gun and you shoot, okay? That’s it.
Self-defense. Your mom’s the Sheriff, you’ll get away with it.”
“What? No, Abraham, no!” Philip shouted, dropping the gun and stumbling back.
“I’m not doing this! Why don’t you say it’s self-defense!”
“Because I’m an adult, Philip, and the last thing I want is an investigation
and to be taken away from you, okay?”
Philip took a deep breath, tightening his jaw and looking at his father, hoping
he was lying. Either his father was a better liar than he was, or he was
telling the truth, because Philip could only see sincerity in his eyes.
“…I’m not good enough of an actor to convince Helen that all this happened.”
“Imagine Lukas’ safety is at stake,” Abraham randomly interjected, coldly, like
Lukas’ safety really was at stake.
Philip went silent and narrowed his eyes at his father. “Are you threatening
him?”
His father’s cold demeanor suddenly changed back to his sincere, nervous
persona. “What? No, no. But if you’re not convincing and they launch an
investigation, then, the gang could find out about you and go after Lukas,
right?”
He nodded, but he knew his father was threatening Lukas.
“Good. Now shoot.”
-----
Helen took the news in the worst way possible. Philip’s own guilt and shock
over the situation provided the perfect farce to the entire thing, but worst of
all, it only convinced her of it. Part of him wanted to be caught. He felt
disgusting and confused. Philip didn’t know what was going on at all.
Was he really this desperate for his father’s approval or did he want Lukas to
be safe? He had acted the way he did partially because he was scared and drunk,
but on top of that, it was like he couldn’t say no to helping him, just like he
couldn’t say no to Lukas when he was being so fickle. No matter how hard Philip
tried to come off as a loner, who didn’t need anyone or anything. That wasn’t
the case, not at all. He was too complacent for everyone and never for himself.
Yet, somehow, when Helen had her arms wrapped around him in a rare tender
moment, he couldn’t have felt more selfish.
As soon as the cops released Philip and confiscated his clothes (which his
father had stained with the victim’s blood) and the weapon, Philip saw Lukas
waiting for him outside of the interrogation room. Relief and guilt washed over
him even more when he saw how panicked Lukas looked.
“I’m so sorry, Philip,” Lukas said, pulling him into a hug even though there
were other people in the county office. There were some stares, but no one said
anything. For once, Philip was the only one concerned with what everyone
thought. He couldn’t help but think that they all knew the truth, that they
were looking at him with disgust. Or, maybe they were about to tell Helen as
soon as Philip was gone that he had faked the whole thing.
God, what had he done. The more he thought about it the more sick he felt. This
wasn’t like last time. If they found out that they were witnesses with the
cabin murders, then all they’d have to do was come forward. But if Philip was
caught, he’d be arrested, and he’d never see Lukas again. He didn’t know if
Lukas would understand, either.
“Philip,” Lukas repeated for probably the tenth time, and finally his eyes came
back into focus. He hadn’t even realized that he had been staring dumbly at
him.
“Sorry,” He mumbled, taking another deep breath and staring anywhere but at
Lukas’ eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Lukas looked taken aback by it and almost hurt. It was like he was offended
that Philip couldn’t come to him about this, since they’d already gone through
it together. However, Lukas was thinking that Philip didn’t witness a murder
but committed one, and that was so much worse.
His mother would hate him, Philip thought.
“That’s okay, that’s okay,” Lukas said and rubbed his back, looking away from
him as well and pursing his lips. How did you comfort someone after they killed
someone? There probably wasn’t a way to do so, but Lukas wanted to try his
best, anyway. He sucked at comforting people and never knew what to say, but
with Philip, there probably weren’t words that would help him, anyway.
Instead, he grabbed his hand and lead him out front, away from the office and
the fresh memories of the homicide.
“Here,” Lukas said and handed Philip his spare bike helmet. “You don’t have to
do anything, just hold on.”
Philip looked at the bike helmet and then up at Lukas, his shoulders relaxing
and a small smile almost formed on his lips. Lukas looked just as relieved.
It was a long ride. They passed the cabin and any other site that Philip was
familiar with. They passed the house where the party was at, and they passed
the lake where Philip had “killed” someone. But he wasn’t thinking about any of
that. His hands were wrapped around Lukas’ waist and the buzz of the engine
preoccupied his mind, allowing him to melt into a state of relaxation and zero
thought. Now that Lukas had learned to be open about how he felt, Philip
wondered if he had the same effect on him.
His heart sank when the bike slowly came to a stop, and Philip looked around
them, surprised that they weren’t back in Tivoli. Instead, they seemed to be
far away from there, and very high up.
“I don’t really remember this place,” Lukas said as he took off his helmet and
ruffled his hair. “But dad said my mom used to take me here, a lot. She’d pack
us a little lunch and drive us to the top of the mountain, and we’d eat
together and talk about stuff we never told him.”
Philip didn’t have a response, but nodded along with a smile.
“I didn’t pack a lunch, though,” Lukas added sheepishly, and it finally got
Philip to laugh a bit.
“That’s for the best. You suck a cooking.”
“Jerk.”
“Asshole.”
Lukas laughed, not having a good response and helped Philip off the bike,
taking his helmet in one hand and Philip’s hand in the other. He pulled him to
the edge of the mountain, where they could see the tall trees of the forest and
the houses looked small and insignificant.
“Here,” Lukas said, offering Philip a headphone. “I made my own playlist.”
Philip smiled at him, putting the headphone in and cuddling up to Lukas, who
wrapped a hand around him to support him. They weren’t going to talk, and that
was fine. Anytime Philip’s mind tried to wander, the music and Lukas’ warmth
would remind him of what was really important. Slowly, the nausea in his
stomach was replaced with a familiar, welcome ache.
----
“Hey,” Lukas randomly interjected as they were getting ready to head down after
watching the sunset (how cheesy, Philip thought, but he loved it). “I’m sorry I
ignored you at the party.”
Philip looked up at him, confused by the sudden apology. “What? It’s…it’s fine,
Lukas. I don’t really care.”
“But that…it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t left you alone,” Lukas was
cautious when he spoke, knowing that Philip didn’t want to talk about it. But
his voice was desperate, like this had been eating him up from the inside. “I
know you probably feel really guilt, but, it’s my fault, okay?”
“I’m not going to let you take the guilt so I feel better.”
“I’m going to feel guilty, anyway,” Lukas replied with a bitter smile. “So,
just…please, okay?”
It would have been so easy to blame Lukas in that moment. To rewrite the story
with Lukas as the target of his anger, and then maybe, Philip would be able to
sleep at night. But he couldn’t do that to him, he loved him too much.
“You know why I can’t do that.”
“Okay,” Lukas responded, dragging a shaky hand through his hair. He was always
more fragile then he led on. “But then you know why I won’t be able to stop
feeling like it’s my fault.”
“I know,” Philip said, walking towards him and grabbing his hand. He didn’t
know if Lukas had just confessed to him or not, and he probably didn’t, knowing
how dense he could be. But it was nice to hope in Lukas, at least.
They were kissing before Philip could take the thought any further, Lukas’ hand
cupping his cheek. It was gentle and sweet, unlike their usual kisses, but it
was nice. It made Philip feel comforted. Lukas was the first to know when he
started crying, feeling the trembling of his lip under his own before he pulled
away from Philip and pulled him into a hug. His hand moved to cradle the back
of his head, keeping him close to his shoulder as Philip cried minimally, out
of guilt and fear, his own hands gripping onto Lukas tightly. The last time
this had happened, he had almost lost him. He couldn’t bear to have that happen
again.
----
“Philip,” Helen said suddenly in the middle of dinner, which he hadn’t touched
at all. She only got a hum in response.
“The man you killed was part of a gang, if you couldn’t tell,” She was dancing
around the question, not sure how to talk to him about this like a mother
rather than a police officer. “We’re not going to release any coverage over the
murder. We don’t want them figuring out you were the guy who killed their man,
so don’t talk to anyone about it.”
Gabe groaned and gripped his forehead, rubbing his thumb back and forth over
the stress lines that were getting even deeper.
“I’m proud of you, Philip,” Gabe added. “We both are. For saying no to the
drugs and just…just staying together after all of this.”
“Mm,” Philip responded, his lips glued shut as if he’d confess the truth if he
dared to open them.
“You don’t have to eat dinner if you don’t want to,” Gabe continued, trying to
sound understanding as he placed a hand on Philip’s shoulder. “Just know that
we’re here for you, okay? We know this has got to be hard.”
That was all Philip needed to excuse himself, standing up without another word.
He still had the decency to take his plate to the dishwasher, but that was
where he left it, stumbling upstairs and collapsing on his bed immediately
afterwards. His phone was spammed with meaningless messages from Lukas, trying
to take his mind off of what was happening. There were photos of the two of
them, random stories about what had just happened in Lukas’ life, or just ‘I
miss you’ again and again. They all made Philip feel better, just a little bit.
After a few hours of absolute nothingness, Philip startled at the sound of a
knock at the door. He was only given a few seconds to look up from his pillow
to see Helen, who walked over and sat at the foot of his bed, giving him his
space. She was silent for a while, almost as if it was difficult for her to
talk to him.
“The first time I killed someone,” Helen began, looking down at her hands. “I
couldn’t sleep for weeks, and I couldn’t eat. I got angrier at everyone around
me and I could barely work.”
Philip stared at her quietly, but sat up. She wasn’t really making him feel any
better, but he trusted Helen to go somewhere with it.
“When I killed Ryan Kane, I didn’t regret it. He could have killed you, and
there wasn’t a moment in my mind where I hesitated,” She added, looking at
Philip, finally. “I thought there was something wrong with me, since I didn’t
feel any guilt. But, I realized, it was because your life meant more to me than
his, and meant more to me than my own demons.”
She gripped his knee, almost mimicking what Gabe would try to do.
“When I killed Ryan Kane, it wasn’t any different from when I killed my first
man,” She admitted. “But this time, it wasn’t my life on the line. I would kill
for you again, and I know you’d kill for Lukas. Learn to value your life the
same as others. It’ll get easier. It’ll never go away, Philip, but…it’ll get
easier, okay?”
Philip could only nod. He hadn’t even killed someone, but her words still
comforted him. Maybe it was because even Helen was haunted by her own actions,
but also because there was a nagging pit in his chest that wouldn’t stop
telling him that his father would have killed Lukas if he didn’t help.
Helen made to stand up, but Philip reached out and latched onto her arm.
“Helen,” he spoke up, finally, voice weak. “Thanks.”
She gave him a small smile, her hand covering his. She didn’t give him any
response, herself being just as bad at words as he was, but that made it
somehow more comforting.
He plopped back down on his bed, checking his phone when it buzzed, smiling as
he saw Lukas’ contact name show up.
‘Did u tell ur dad about us?’ Lukas asked.
Philip made a face, typing back. ‘I didn’t. Helen and Gabe might’ve.’
‘Oh.’
A few seconds passed by, and Lukas sent another message.
‘Ok. That’s cool.’
‘I’m sorry Lukas’
‘It’s fine, really,’
It wasn’t; he was just trying to make up for what happened at the party.
‘I just wanted to know before tomorrow,’ Lukas added before Philip could say
anything else, and Philip raised an eyebrow.
‘Tomorrow?’ Philip asked.
‘Yeah, New York?’
‘I don’t know what’s going on’
‘Your dad is taking us out to the city? Didn’t he tell you?’
‘No,’ Philip responded, his fingers wobbly as he typed his response. His mouth
went dry at the idea, hand on his forehead as he stared up the ceiling blankly.
His dad was threatening Lukas, for sure. It was subtle, but Philip knew what it
meant. How could he be so stupid as to trust him?
He threw his phone against the wall in frustration, gripping his hair and
sitting up again. His phone began to ring, and he stumbled over, knowing it was
probably Lukas.
“Hello?” Philip whispered, trying to keep his voice low so that Gabe didn’t
come rushing upstairs.
“Hey, Philip,” Abraham mumbled, sounding like he was trying to be just as
quiet. “I’m going to need your help again.”
Chapter End Notes
     I know this seems pretty Philip centric right now, but I have stuff
     planned for Lukas and Helen and everyone else, too. So don't worry,
     everyone will get to suffer equally, haha.
End Notes
     In terms of the rating, I'm unsure about how Explicit I'm going to be
     getting, but I probably won't disappoint. Also, if anyone was
     confused, Philip's nightmare isn't supposed to be anything that's
     happened in the show, but more of a flashback. I'm going to be
     exploring why he's afraid of water. Thanks again for reading!
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