Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11467656.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Rape/Non-Con,
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      방탄소년단_|_Bangtan_Boys_|_BTS
  Relationship:
      Kim_Taehyung_|_V/Original_Female_Character(s), Jeon_Jungkook/Original
      Female_Character(s), Jung_Hoseok_|_J-Hope/Original_Female_Character(s),
      Min_Yoongi_|_Suga/Original_Female_Character(s), Kim_Namjoon_|_Rap
      Monster/Original_Female_Character(s), Kim_Seokjin_|_Jin_&_Original_Female
      Character(s), Park_Jimin_(BTS)/Original_Female_Character(s)
  Character:
      Kim_Taehyung_|_V, Kim_Seokjin_|_Jin, Kim_Namjoon_|_Rap_Monster, Jeon
      Jungkook, Jung_Hoseok_|_J-Hope, Park_Jimin_(BTS), Min_Yoongi_|_Suga,
      Original_Female_Character(s)
  Additional Tags:
      triggering, Rape/Non-con_Elements, Kidnapping, Emotional/Psychological
      Abuse, Abuse, Consensual_Underage_Sex, Underage_Rape/Non-con, Kim
      Taehyung_|_V_Is_a_Little_Shit, Psychological_Trauma, psychotic, insane,
      Obsession, Don't_Judge_Me, Don't_Like_Don't_Read, Alternate_Universe,
      Stalker, Delusions, Psychopath, Teen_Pregnancy, Unplanned_Pregnancy,
      Abortion, Implied/Referenced_Abortion, Secret_Relationship, Murder,
      Murder-Suicide, Suicide, Assisted_Suicide, Childhood_Trauma, Implied
      Childhood_Sexual_Abuse
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-07-11 Updated: 2017-11-24 Chapters: 10/? Words: 15220
****** The Danger of Needing You ******
by smoshyphantrash
Summary
     WARNING:
     LOVE HURTS. IT CAUSES ANGER, JEALOUSY, OBSESSION. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE
     ME BACK? I NEED YOU. I'M WARNING YOU NOW, STOP CONFUSING ME.
     Why are you doing this? Why are you making me into a fool? Are you
     joking? What am I to you? Am I easy to you? Are you playing with me?
     You're in danger right now, why are you testing me? It hurts so much
     because of you. You're so bad to me. Why am I in love alone, why am I
     hurting alone? Why do I keep needing you when I know I'll get hurt?
     I told you to stop confusing me, it's gonna get you in trouble, Jeon
     Kaeseolin.
     That's okay, Princess. You'll soon find out the hard way...
***** PREWORD *****
This story is a triggering fanfiction. Strong content lives here including
adult language, sexual references, graphic content such as non-consensual
sexual actions or references to non-consensual sexual actions, character death,
suicidal thoughts and/or actions, abusive behaviors, criminal intentions,
skewed senses of reality, delusion, obsession, references to having a stalker
and references to a psychopathic representation.
If you do not like things like this, walk away now and do not look back. You
have been forewarned.
Once again, this is a fanfiction placed in an alternative universe, do not take
this to be a true representation of real characters. It contains an original
female character. She's made up and any resemblance to any real persons,
living, dead or otherwise is purely coincidental. I did use an actual actress
for her visual, however.
Enjoy!
***** I'm (Usually) Innocent *****
Chapter Summary
     Jeon Kaeseolin explains her list and desire for Kim Taehyung
     *Jeon Kaeseolin has been imagined to look like Kim Yoo Jung*
I was a good child growing up. I had a good family, a mother and two brothers.
My biological brother and I were adopted, by the Jungs and we instantly had
love surrounding us. My adoptive mother and brother never mistreated me and
protected me. I had no reason to be a bad girl. That was until I fell for this
high school senior, Kim Taehyung. I was 14 years old, a Freshman. Every class I
had was advanced that year, Sophomore and up, or an elective, open to all
students. And shockingly, I had him in all my classes. He was really diligent
and intelligent, no reason not to like him. Over the course of the year, we
worked together on every subject we had. It started out with him needing help
in Math, then he needed help with Language Arts and Biology. As a thank you,
Taehyung and I would go hang out on the playground in the park, swinging and
talking. Some days we'd even have a picnic if we finished early. Since I was so
well-behaved and trusted by my mother, my curfew was way after the streetlights
came on. It was set for 10:00, but I always came home at 9:45, building a great
rapport with my mother. My brothers however never liked Taehyung. Why? I didn't
understand. We started dating shortly before homecoming, and even when he
graduated, going off to college we never stopped. I can understand why they
didn't like him continuing to date me after high school, but to not like him at
all? Taehyung never gave anyone a reason to hate him.
I awoke to my door swinging wide open. "Kae, get up. Time for you to go to
school," Hoseok, my oldest brother groaned. "And remember what we talked
about?"
I grabbed my pillow, slamming it over my face. "I remember, I just don't see
the big deal," I sat up, running my fingers through my hair. "We hang out every
day, we've been dating for two years, what changed all of a sudden?" I got up,
going to my closet to grab a quick outfit.
"What changed was you. And who changed you?" Hoseok asked. I sighed in
exasperation. "Taehyung changed you. You were a straight A student in middle
school, you started to fail classes, five of them, in your freshman year and
the same result as a sophomore. You start hanging out with him and your
performance in school and your behavior changes. I don't like that and Jungkook
doesn't like it. Mom trusts you."
I laughed a little bit. "Mom trusts me but my brothers don't." I sat down at my
vanity, looking at him in the mirror.
Hoseok sighed, "We trust you. We don't trust your little boyfriend. I really
don't trust him considering you two were cuddled up a little too close for my
liking." He turned and left, as I followed him so I could close my door.
"It was close enough for my liking, Hobi!" I closed my door and locked it,
shrugging the conversation off. As I began to change, my phone beeped with a
message from Taehyung.
~Taetae~
You're still coming over tonight right? It's Friday. I know your brother blew a
gasket a couple weeks ago... But I miss you really bad ♡♡♡
Me
I'll see if Minji and Ara will cover for me... I miss you too. I don't
understand why they don't like you. I mean, if I love you, they should love you
too.
~Taetae~
I think I have a good clue why. Before I met you, I truly was a misfit. Bad
behavior, bad grades, you were my hope to graduate honestly. You helped me so
much, but I get why you brothers don't like me. Hoseok was a junior when I was
a freshman and Jungkook was a freshman when I was a junior. They dealt with me
a lot. Even in only 360 school days, they dealt with me a lot.
Me
Well, it's still not right. Anyway, I'll ask Minji and Ara today. Love you,
I've gotta go.
I
put on my oversized sweater and put on some shorts. It was brisk summery autumn
day, junior year had only started less than a month ago. I threw on some biker
boots and grabbed my bookbag. "Morning, you gonna eat?" Jungkook asked, holding
his keys. I only glared at him and started walking downstairs. Eomma left me
some cereal bars and water so I grabbed it, starting to head out to the car.
Our mother worked all the time now, I don't remember like last time I'd seen
her in the past few days. I wonder where our father was. I don't even remember
seeing Appa around. "What's got you in a pissy mood?" Jungkook asked.
Hoseok watched me rush by. "Me telling her that she can't hang out with
Taehyung," He admitted. "Kaeseolin, that boy is bad news and I don't want you
anywhere around him. Not anymore. Never did to be honest." I scoffed and turned
on my heel to look at him.
"He's a good person, Hobi..." I defended. "Since when are you Eomma here?"
He stared blankly at me. "Since Eomma took on three jobs. Go, get an education.
I want you home right after school." Hoseok got up and went into the kitchen
It was time to set the bait. "Can I at least hang out with Minji and Ara?" I
asked. "I'll text you and everything."
Hoseok sighed, "I guess that's okay. Be home by 10:00." My plan had begun.
"9:45 it is," Jungkook followed me out the door and I sighed as I got into the
car. I plugged in my earbuds and started playing music.
Jungkook got in and started driving. It was a pretty quiet ride, I wonder why
he was so quiet. He's always trying to make me laugh in the mornings so I have
a good day.
I just shrugged it off, waiting until I could talk to Minji and Ara, my best
friends. Jungkook dropped me off, wishing me a good day and giving me a kiss on
the cheek. My brothers were good brothers, they were just heavily judgemental
of everyone around me. "Kae!" Ara squealed and ran to me like she has been
since middle school.
"Hey! Before you speak," Minji came up behind her. "Good, I need you too. Can
you two help me cover tonight? Taehyung's picking me up and we're hanging out.
I need to see him."
Minji laughed, "I'll support your drug habit. The drug of loveeee." She
slightly pushed back my shoulder.
I smiled and looked at Ara, the truly good girl.  She couldn't do anything
wrong. "Uhm... okay fine but maybe just this once?" I squealed and hugged her
tightly.
The bell rang. "Ah shit... well, we can talk in second period right?" They
nodded as we all headed our separate ways. I was excited, I was finally going
to see my boyfriend again. He was like my drug, I was having a bad withdrawal.
I missed him so much. Walking into my first class, Theatre, I started thinking
of how we worked together that year. We had a perfect chemistry and he
portrayed a great psychopathic character and I was great at being a victim. I
needed to see him tonight... I needed that chemistry again.
***** He's (Usually) Sweet *****
Chapter Summary
     Something isn't quite right with Taehyung; Kaeseolin is grounded;
     Taehyung is extremely apologetic
Chapter Notes
     WARNING: Rape/Non-Con, Underage read with caution
Texting Taehyung all day made me extremely excited to be near him later. I was
head over heels for this guy. He was protective and sweet like my brothers. The
saying is that a girl looks for the love of her father in whoever she's with.
Well, I don't have the love of my father to look for, but I can look for the
love of my brothers. I found that love in Taehyung. He was everything my
brothers were and more.
Finally, the end of the day had come. Luckily, my last class was right near the
exit. I left the school, searching for Taehyung. There he was waiting in his
blue Cadillac. "Tae!" I ran to the car, opening the door and getting in.
"Princess, oh my God, I missed you." He hugged me tightly before putting on his
seatbelt to drive. "I know your brothers are harsh but please don't leave me
for so lo ng again. I love you too much. They're taking you away from me and I
need you."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "They're not taking me away," I mumbled. "You're always
gonna have me. I won't let them take me away from you..." His words were
shocking. He sounded distraught, which was terrifying to hear. Tae was so upset
but I couldn't find a good reason for him to be.
Tae fell silent for a while. "Tell me why Hoseok kicked me out two weeks ago.
Tell me why he was so upset." That was an unusual request.
"Why does it matter? We're together now." Tae glared at me before turning his
attention back to the road.
This was odd. "Don't hide anything and just answer my question. I want to know
why he kicked me out."
I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "I'm his 16 year old sister who
was about this close to being naked, home alone with her boyfriend. That's why
he kicked you out." Tae went pale as if he'd been stabbed in the chest.
He pulled into his driveway, getting out of the car. I scoffed, getting out and
taking my purse and backpack with me. Taehyung opened the door for me,
following closely behind as he locked the door. He turned around and pushed me
into it. "That can't be the only reason, Kae." Taehyung gripped my wrists down
to my sides. I was scared nonetheless.  "Did he do anything to you?"
I looked at him incredulously. "He grounded me. Are you crazy?" I asked. "Are
you trying to hint that Hoseok is a sick bastard that does things with his
sister?" I was disgusted. Maybe he was just hungover or he was high or
something and I shouldn't get mad at him for that.
"So you admit it?" Tae let go of me, stepping back sadly. He was heartbroken at
the thought of me leaving him and I was sick that he assumed I would leave him
for my brother. That was completely disgusting and unnecessary to think of me.
"I don't like seeing how close you two are. Same with you and Jungkook. It just
unsettles me. I-I hate it when you're away from me."
I sighed, grabbing his hand. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder. And makes
the sex even hotter." I smirked, placing a kiss on his cheek. Tae looked up at
me, puppy eyes replaced with lustful ones. We leaned into a passionate kiss,
pulling each other closer.
This was what Tae needed to feel better. He was pent up, told me he never gave
into himself when we weren't together to do anything. "I'm sorry, Kae..."
Taehyung and I fell back into his couch. "I just don't want to lose you... It
scares me to think what'll happen to me." I furrowed my eyebrows, pushing him
slightly off of me.
"What is that supposed to mean?" It didn't feel nice to hear him speak like
that.
Taehyung sighed, "Nevermind what I said." He pulled his shirt up over his head.
I smirked slightly, brushing past my concern. We continued to progress until
nothing was between the two of us.
As soon as we can came one for the first time in a while, my phone rang out. I
groaned and reached over to look at it, Tae stopping temporarily. "Shit!" I
yelled, leaning over to grab my sweater.
"What?" Taehyung asked.
I sighed, "Ara can't handle a secret. Hobi's on the way here." I started to get
dressed, but Taehyung stopped me. "Dude, do you want Hoseok to kill you?"
The atmosphere around Tae changed drastically. "You are his little bitch,
aren't you?" He asked. "You're gonna jump when he tells you to." I tried to
slide from under him, but he pinned me down into his couch even further.
Fear was starting to crawl into my psychological space, freezing me where I
was. "Taehyung, stop. I'm already going to get in trouble."
Tae laughed, maniacally, I may add. Reaching down to pick up his belt he leaned
into my ear and whispered, "You're damn right you're gonna get in trouble."
Those words weren't BDSM words at all. They were said to make me fear him, he
knew it too. I'm a swift move my hands were bound tightly by his belt as Tae
put all of his weight down on me keeping me from moving.
"Tae, stop it!" He shook his head, moving angrily and hungrily against me.
Every moment was extra wrong and we both knew it. "Why is no not a no anymore?"
Taehyung slammed his head over my mouth.
My house was only 15 minutes away, I got the text three minutes before this
happened. Hoseok wouldn't get here in time to witness anything. "You did this
to keep me waiting, you don't get to say no today." This dragged on for a
couple more minutes until Taehyung was done with me. He untied my wrists and
slapped my legs with the belt. "You have ten minutes to fucking leave my
house." With that, he left me on the couch.
Everything we'd been working on for two years has now been destroyed. I don't
have love for Taehyung like I used to. He really did just lose me. I gathered
myself and grabbed my bags, leaving his house. I waited on the sidewalk for
Hoseok, I was not waiting in that house. Moments later, I saw Hoseok pull up.
As soon as I got in he started to speak. "I'll let you see him after a month of
being grounded. I realized on the way over here that if I didn't pull you two
apart like that, you wouldn't have snuck off like this. But you are grounded."
I nodded, "That's fair." Hoseok glanced at me as I looked straight at the road.
"I just don't think I care. I don't think I'll care in a month's time either."
Hoseok mumbled in confusion.
"He's your boyfriend, you really love him, why wouldn't you ca-" Hobi's voice
faltered away as he pulled off to the side of the road. "What'd he do to you?"
I shook my head refusing to talk. "Jeon Kaeseolin, I can tell when you're
lazily lying to me. Do I have to hurt him?" I shook my head.
A tear fell and I wiped it away quickly. "I'm glad you came to get me. I
started getting a pain in my stomach." That wasn't a complete lie, the pain was
only caused by betrayal. "It feel like gut wrenching appendix pain, can you
take me to the emergency room?" I found the excuse to let my tears go. Instead
of fighting with me, Hoseok listened and drove me to the emergency room. I
wanted to get him away from Taehyung before telling him about what happened.
I went into triage while Hoseok parked, which gave me enough time to tell the
receptionist that I needed a testosterone shot. I didn't want a kit, I only
needed the shot. "Excuse me, you came here for a shot of a hormone? This is an
emergency clinic." The receptionist yelled.
"Shh," I whispered. "I was assaulted. I know who did it and he's clean. There's
no need for a kit. I just need a shot of testosterone to slow down my system."
I heard the doors of the ER close behind me. I turned and saw Hoseok, looking
at me either with anger, heartbreak or heartbreaking anger. "What did Taehyung
do to you? You lied to protect him, why?" Hoseok was heartbroken and angry, I
could guess from his voice.
I still refused to answer him. "We'll see you now Miss." I followed a nurse who
came to give me the shot.
*~*~*~*~*
I walked into our house seeing Jungkook waiting on the couch for us. "Hoseok,
sit down." I sighed, standing in front of the coffee table. He did as I asked
and listened to what I had to say. "As you both know, I did lie to you to go
spend time with Taehyung... He was acting weirdly however. He kept asking me
why you kicked him out two weeks ago. He acted as if you were trying to step in
and take his place." Jungkook immediately gasped.
"You're my baby sister," Hoseok grimaced. "I'm not going to bang my little
sister, that's so wrong."
I nodded, continuing on. "We were going to hook up, I admit. Then you told me
you were coming to get me. I tried to stop and he wouldn't. He just... he." I
stopped speaking. They got the point.
Jungkook sighed, coming to hug me. "Say it, Kae..." Hoseok said. He was angry
and it was obvious and expected. "Call it what it is."
"He raped me," I didn't want to say the word. I knew I did nothing to deserve
it, I just didn't want anyone to go after Taehyung. "Just don't fight him. I'll
be okay." I pulled away going upstairs, locking my door. Taehyung texted me, so
I decided to finally check my phone.
~Taetae~
I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you... I don't know what took over me.
Please baby don't leave me like this. Call me, FaceTime me, anything please. I
want to hear your voice. I want you to hear mine and hear my sincerity.
I love you Jeon Kaeseolin, please don't leave me.
I sighed, giving him a call. "Hello?" He answered, sniffling. "Kae?"
I gulped, starting to speak. "I love you. What you did to me was unacceptable
in every form. I don't think I can forgive you for this right now, don't ask me
to." Tae let out a sob. While it hurt to hear, I couldn't care less about how
bad he felt. "I'm grounded for a month. I will decide if I even want to be
around you when I'm done being grounded. That was just unacceptable, Taehyung."
He composed himself before speaking. "I-I'm so sorry, Kae. I love you so much.
I had a lapse the other day... I just did a line or two. Missing you was
driving me crazy." He explained.
"So you did crack," I scoffed. "Because you missed me." This was almost
unbelievable.
Taehyung sighed. "I'll talk to you later." Before I could rebut, he hung up.
I sighed, sending him a text. "You'll talk to me in a month. I'm blocking your
number for tonight. Goodnight."
I blocked his number and started to get ready for bed. I wanted to forgive him
but that wasn't an option. Not right now. I sighed, changing my clothes,
turning off the light and laying down. What happened in two weeks time to ruin
two years of work?
***** I'm (Usually) Careful *****
Chapter Summary
     Kae makes a decision that will later determine the fate of her
     relationship with Taehyung
Chapter Notes
     Warning: talks of teen pregnancy due to assault and abortion.
Hoseok lifted my grounding a few days after the incident, I guess he ultimately
decided to because of what Taehyung did. Didn't change the fact that snuck out
to see him, but I deserved the right to say no. Anyone does. After unblocking
him, Taehyung blew up my phone with daily paragraphs and apologies. He gave me
constant reminders of our good times together, sending me pictures of us at the
Homecoming Dance and Prom. I admit that those were beautiful, but I still
didn't forgive him.
Three weeks went by and I hadn't felt the best. I was throwing up often,
couldn't eat or sleep well. I felt the sense of impending doom. I couldn't
figure out what was wrong until i went to take my pill. "Jungkook!" I called,
running to his bedroom.
Jungkook opened his door, "What's up?" He asked, sleepily. I held up my package
of pills. Jungkook wasn't a saint little virgin boy and he always checked with
his girlfriend to see if she was taking her pill correctly. He knew these
things. Being smart about sex before you have doesn't make you dumb.
"Please," I whimpered, tearing threatening to fall. "Will you please tell me
I've been on my pill correctly..."
Jungkook took my package, looking at it. "I'd be lying if I did, Kae." Almost a
month later and I finally lost it. I stopped trying to be so cool and
collected. My life was starting to fall apart and this didn't help. "Let's go
to the drugstore, you don't have to go to school today." With that, Jungkook
and I left, going to the local drugstore to get a test.
It was terrifying. All of this. While I imagined possibly marrying Taehyung
when I was older, I never planned on being pregnant so young. "Kookie," I
sighed. "Can you please go get it for me. I can't walk in there and do this. I
didn't ask for any of this." Jungkook sighed as he pulled into the parking lot.
"You're right... you didn't. And if you weren't abused, I would tell you it's
your responsibility to do. Don't worry about it, just stay here." Jungkook got
out of the car, going inside. I couldn't function with the thought of being
pregnant with Taehyung. Not anymore, or at least right now. I was strong and
could handle a lot of shit, but this wasn't one of them.
Jungkook came back about 5 minutes later with the tests. "Good news, bad news.
Which one do you want first?" He asked. I didn't care. "I spent $30 on three
tests. I also spent like $4 on snacks for anti nausea. I don't have much more.
So if you were pregnant and decided not to go through with it, you'd have to
tell Hoseok and ask for money, or ask friends. I covered half of the struggles,
you have to cover the other half somehow." It was honest and I was grateful
that he did this for me. I wasn't wanting to ask him for anything more.
"Thank you, Kookie, I don't know what I'd do without you and Hobi," I sighed,
picking up a test out of the box, reading the warnings and instructions. "I
have two people I know I can ask, but the problem is that they're both close to
Tae. His cousin and his best friend. They're the only ones who actually work
for what they have. My friends are privileged people... and I'll work to pay
everyone back... i just can't tell anyone that I'm pregnant. Can't get a good
job with that." Jungkook nodded, turning down our street. Hoseok was sitting on
our porch when we pulled up.
I sighed, letting Jungkook get out and explain. "She still doesn't feel well, i
went to the store with her to get some things to remedy her and some snacks."
Hoseok nodded, letting Jungkook speak for my absence this time.
I got out of the car with my bags. Hoseok waved me over to examine me. "You
look pale as a ghost. Go upstairs and lay down." I nodded, running upstairs to
the bathroom. I had to do this, this terrifying thing. I sighed preparing the
three tests and taking them correctly.
After setting them out to wait, I cleaned up my area around me and washed my
hands. Jungkook knocked on the door. "You decent?" He asked. I opened the door,
sitting on th e side of the tub. "How long?"
I looked at my hands. "Five minutes." I was on the edge of my seat, I couldn't
sit still. This was too real of a moment.
"Wanna talk about your options?" Jungkook asked. I nodded, letting a tear drop.
"I know you went to the ER to get a shot of T, but you could've gone to get
Plan B. It would've slowed your system down too. You could go through the nine
months, give birth and keep it. Or you could give it up to a family who needs
it..."
I shook my head, "Tell me the last option. I don't care so much about the other
two." If i kept it, I'd force myself to be civil with Tae. I couldn't do that.
I didn't want the doubts of adoption. While ours was flawless and we grew up in
this lovely family, what if it wasn't that perfect for my baby?
Jungkook nodded. "You could go to the abortion clinic. Costs money, but you
could go in and get one."
That wasn't enough information. "I know your girlfriend had one, Jungkook. I
know you were there by her side. I need you to tell me everything." I wiped my
tears away.
"It takes less than 15 minutes. You can walk out and you'll get spotting, as if
it's a period." Jungkook started. "Even after the numbing injection, your
doctor will repeatedly ask you if you actually want this. It can be your best
option or your worst emotional nightmare. But it depends on how you can manage.
Can Taehyung step up and take care of a baby with you? Can you do it? Can you
finish school and work? Keep in mind that Hoseok and I can help but we won't be
the parents. Eomma never home anymore, you'll lose your social life until you
meet other parents. It's a lot to give up and consider." My phone beeped out,
letting me know it's time.
I nodded, "Okay... if I do this. If I look up and see the word 'Pregnant' on
these tests, will you take me to the doctor to confirm? And if I am, I can call
Tae's cousin and his best friend. I can do that. I cannot have his baby. I will
not have his baby."
Jungkook agreed to take me and glanced at all of the tests. "Want me to tell
you?" I nodded, not wanting to move. He reread all the tests, walking over to
me. He keeled down in front of me. "Look at me," Jungkook mumbled. I looked up,
trying to wipe away my unceasing tears. "Go call them." As expected, Jungkook
pulled me into a tight hug as I cried my eyes out. I was pregnant. I was
pregnant by the man I thought I'd end up with in life. I was pregnant with
Taehyung and I didn't want his baby. The way he treated me, I wouldn't expect
him to wonder about it at all. Jungkook and I left the bathroom and I grabbed
my phone, stepping out onto the porch.
I dialed up Taehyung's cousin, one of them. He answered happy to hear from me.
"Jin, there's a bit of a problem... Did Taehyung tell you what happened?"
He sighed, "He did. I'm sorry that happened to you. He really regrets it.
What's the update?" Jin was really nice, his brother Namjoon hated me. Which
was okay by me. I didn't have to go ask him for money.
"I'm pregnant. I need money for an abortion." I bit my lip waiting for his
answer.
Jin let out a deep sigh. "Kae, don't you think you should talk this out with
Taehyung? You know he's a family man, he'd help you."
I shook my head, "I know he is but that's not the point. He raped me. Doing it
once makes you a rapist. I won't raise my baby with my rapist." I defended.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to do that to my cousin," Jin sighed. "I'm sorry
he lost control of his hormones for a while but the way you're slapping the
label on him makes it seem like he's nothing but evil."
I scoffed, "I'm not even going to fight you on how wrong that sounds. A no is a
no. Which is why I'm respecting your no for my request for money. Bye." I hung
up. I had one last chance for money. I called my last life line.
The phone rang for a while. "Kae, Taehyung is going crazy for you," Yoongi
answered.
"Yes, I know. I need your help though." I waited for his response.
I heard Taehyung in thw background, crying. "Tae, I'll be right back," Yoongi
sighed. I heard a front door close. "You know I've always got your back what do
you need?"
Yoongi always had a thing for me, best friend thing. While he was Tae's best
friend, he warmed up to me before Taehyung did. "I need money for an
abortion... I know Tae's a family man and would love to have a family but rape
is rape. I can't raise a child with a rapist. And I don't want my child to find
out that it's only here because of an unwanted act leading to and unwanted
pregnancy." Yoongi's car door slammed shut.
"That's fine, I would expect someone to do this anyway, it doesn't make you a
bad person. Have you gone to the doctor's yet?" How was Yoongi so exceptionally
understanding about this?
"No," I replied. "Jungkook was about to take me to the doctor..."
I had a massive headache and I just wanted this thing to be over already. I
wanted no more attachment to the offense. "Do you think he'll mind if I took
you? I swear I won't take you to see Taehyung if you don't want to see him." I
stood up going inside.
Jungkook looked up at me. "Let me ask him," I took the phone from my ear for a
second. "Yoongi's willing to pay and take me to the doctor and the clinic...
can he" Jungkook nodded, giving me the right of way. "Yeah you can. I'll see
you soon." I ended the call, sighing softly. "Fuck, I should've listened. Never
should've gotten involved with Taehyung."
Jungkook looked at me. "It's not your fault that he failed to morally
comprehend a no. None of this is your fault. Not even if you snuck over there.
It's not your fault. Please trust me and believe me that it's not." I nodded,
sitting next to him on the couch, waiting for Yoongi. We watched a drama as we
waited. I couldn't wait for him to get here. I wanted this to be over.
***** He's (Usually) Calm *****
Chapter Summary
     Kae goes through with her plan and decided to tell Taehyung; Yoongi
     talks a little bit about Taehyung's past; Taehyung begins to worry
     Kae
Chapter Notes
     WARNING:
     ABORTION
     HOMOPHOBIA
     ABUSE
     RAPE MEMORIES
     CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
Yoongi came to pick me up and before we even left the driveway I was crying.
"Hey," Yoongi sighed. He pulled me into a hug. "You're okay, we can do this
together... you're gonna be okay."
I shook my head, sobbing hard. "This is the right decision for me. For the
baby. For Taehyung. It's the right decision for us." I whimpered.
Yoongi nodded. "I know it is. Many people would say it is..." I wiped my face,
pulling away from the hug.
"I don't want to hurt him. I really can't stand to hurt him, I know I shouldn't
care... I want to give him one last chance after this but I would be judged so
fucking much." I really did still care for Tae. While he did something
unforgivable, I still wanted to help him and help fix him. I knew all the
things some of his close friends didn't know. "Do you know all the things he
trusted me with?" I asked.
Yoongi nodded, pulling out of the driveway. "Wanna start from when he was
younger? I know everything. I grew up with him." It wasn't a competition, we
were just talking about the reasons I didn't want to give up on him.
"I'll just start here first, he denies he's possibly bisexual to this day." I
looked at myself in the blinder mirror. "You know, he's wanted you for a while?
Before me? He probably still does." I took out a napkin and wiped my eyes.
Yoongi nodded, "I turned him down... I'm bi, that wasn't the problem, you know,
he knows I'm attracted to guys." He turned onto the  interstate. "Tae fell for
me because I took care of him. He fell for me at his most vulnerable time."
I nodded. "He's not evil, Jin wouldn't allow me to call him a rapist, even
though he technically is... I hate to pin the title on him, but you do it once,
you are one." I sighed, fiddling with my ring he gave me. A promise ring.
Promised to treat me right... I didn't know if I should take it off or not. He
kept his promise ring on at all times. While he hurt me, even. It never left
his finger. He did rip my half of our necklace off of me, though. I only have
the promise ring.
Yoongi kept quiet for a while. "I know why Jin won't let you call him one. I
think this is something he hid from you..." I looked at Yoongi, waiting for the
explanation. "Taehyung was a good child. He did everything he was supposed to.
He was an innocent child. Until he became a man. Many parents and family
members try to make you fear being gay. So when he tried to tell his family
that he was probably bisexual, his father and uncle immediately hated the idea
if it. He was probably 14 when he told his family." Yoongi took a deep breath.
"Taehyung loves. He loves and he shows love. His father kept telling him that
to be bisexual, he had to like the idea of having sex with a guy. Well, of
course if that time came when he was extremely serious with a guy, he probably
would have sex with his boyfriend. His father still didn't like the answer."
I bit my lip, playing with my ring. "Are you about to tell me why we don't talk
about fathers around here?" Yoongi nodded, getting off on the wrong exit.
"Shit, I've gotta get back on..." Yoongi navigated his way back onto the
highway before continuing. "Okay... I remember clearly, opening up the French
doors of my balcony to him. It was raining, he was crying, bleeding and bruised
to East Hell and back. He tried to explain himself but his lip was busted and
swollen. My parents were never home, I was 17, old enough to be home alone. I
took him to the bathroom and looked at the damage... Would you believe that I
couldn't recognize the boy I helped raise?" I shook my head. "Not even just
from the physical abuse. He couldn't speak. His entire body shut down on him.
All he could do was fight me. And he did. I reached in with a towel to wipe his
face and he hit me. You couldn't get near him." This didn't only break
Taehyung's heart, it obviously broke  Yoongi's. It was breaking mine too. "The
only thing I could do was pull out his favorite game. Give him back his
childishness. Otherwise he wouldn't open up to me. He was so scared, he came to
find me, but couldn't recognize me either. What he did to you... He never got a
break from it until I took him and ran. No, it's not an excuse what what he did
whatsoever. But it's why Jin won't let you call him a rapist."
I nodded, fully understanding. "Hurt people hurt people. He never told me about
his father. But he told me about his first homecoming and his first prom. He
went all four years. A junior took him in his Freshman year and a senior took
him in his Sophomore year..." I sat up, shifting in my seat. "Taehyung never
caught a break, just for being bisexual. I understand that. I want to help him
still. I don't want to keep judging him. I know he got addicted to drugs, to
forget. I know he was trying not to let me get hurt in the same way. Everyone's
going to hate me but I need to help him. It's not letting my rapist win, I have
compassion for the person who was lost before the incident." I ran my hands
through my hair.
Yoongi turned off the highway, going to the hospital. "I know... No one says
you can't. It's up to you. But I think you should still tell him. Telling him
what you're going to do is going to hurt either way it goes. It's gonna hurt
that he didn't know, hurt that you did it. Even if he's there, it'll hurt.
There's no saving him from it. But it'll hurt you too, you might feel many
things, including a sense of loss. Even if you're doing the right thing. Let's
go see if you're actually pregnant first..."
With that we went in and got a blood test done. I was actually pregnant.
Finding it out officially was somehow more devastating than the at home tests.
The one question on my mind was if I could do anything about it today, before a
clinic closed. And so I did.
*~*~*~*~*
I sighed, feeling slightly sore, putting my promise ring back on. Taehyung wore
his while he hurt me, but I couldn't wear mine as I hurt him. But it was over.
"Yoongi? Before taking me home, can you take me to see Taehyung? He deserves to
know..." Without hesitation, he did so.
Pulling up to Taehyung's house made me extremely nervous and Yoongi sense it.
"I won't let anything to happen to you, okay?" I nodded as he opened the door.
"Tae? I'm back... you have a visitor." Yoongi walked in front of me, leading me
to the living room.
Taehyung was trying to stop crying long enough to look at me. "Oh, oh my God!
Kae..." I faked a smiled and hugged him. Tae pulled me into a tight hug around
me waist. I winced, slightly pulling away. "I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry
please, I never meant to hurt you like this. I never meant to ruin you like
this I'm so fucking sorry please... I can't lose you please."
I sighed, running my hands through his hair before sitting next them on the
couch. "Well, it'll be your decision after I tell you this..." I pulled away
completely from the hug, holding his hands. "Um... so. I've been feeling sick
lately and I thought that was just the trauma... But, I went to take my pill
today and I realized I'd had them upside down." Tae looked at me in the eyes
with realization. "So I took the tests." I reached in my bag before realizing I
threw two if them away, I just couldn't remember which one I kept. The pregnant
or the not pregnant. "Went to the doctor to check and I was for sure
pregnant..."
Tae mumbled out, "Oh my God... Wait, you were pregnant?" He asked.
I nodded. "I... made a decision the moment I found out that I could be
pregnant. And I went through with it. At the beginning of my day, I was
pregnant and now I'm not." I took a deep breath, looking at Taehyung's
reaction. I couldn't explain it, but it was like all of his soul just left his
body. It was like Tae was gone. He let go of my hands, his breathing starting
to get ragged. "Tae?" I asked. He just stood up.
"I-I would've gotten it together. I would've gone to reha, I would've done
anything I could have to be the father I lost." Tae spoke, heartbreak laced in
between every syllable. "I'm 21, but I would've taken care of myself for my
kids. I wouldn't dare imagine trashing them by giving them up for adoption,
like your mother. By kicking them out, like my father. Or by choosing an
abortion, like you." I was taken aback.
I knew he'd be upset, but my birth mom gave me and Jungkook up for a reason.
"Don't you dare being my birth mother into this. She gave us up to a family who
had the ability to take care of us. Don't you dare."
Taehyung scoffed, "Like mother, like daughter. You gave up on your child. Why
couldn't you give me the benefit of the doubt? Why couldn't you give yourself a
chance to think it over?" Before I could defend myself, Taehyung leaned forward
and slapped me. Yoongi pushed him back, to get him away from me. "How long did
it take for you do decide that our child's life wasn't worth a damn? How long
did it take for you to process the killing of a life? Did Hoseok put you up to
it? So that you wouldn't have any connection to me?" I wiped the tear from my
face, standing up.
"You bastard, my brothers have nothing to do with my decision to spare that
child. It would've grown up then figured out that it was only here due to rape.
What child wants to hear their parents say they didn't plan them?" I yelled.
Yoongi kept Taehyung from coming after me. "We were going to plan when you got
older, you know that. We wanted a child, Kaeseolin, how fucking dare you
determine that it wasn't wanted?"
I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "We wanted a child later in life and
not like this. Not by fault of taking birth control the wrong way or by rape.
We wanted a child the right way. Not like this." Yoongi let go of Taehyung for
a second as he began to cry even harder than he was when I came in.
Taehyung slid down the wall until he was on the floor. "I would've done
anything I could have to take care of that child and you didn't even consider
talking to me about it.  You made a promise not to hurt me! You fucking broke
it..." He was completely heartbroken. I tried to feel sympathy, but I couldn't.
"I took off my ring while it happened... You continued to wear yours while you
violated my human decency." I grabbed my bag. "Call me when you want to talk
this out like a mature person, when you want to stop hating me for saving my
child from the Hell we call Earth." Yoongi followed after me so he could take
me home.
He sighed, glancing at my cheek. "I'm so sorry about your face, I didn't think
he was going to fly off the handle like that..." I shook my head, not worrying
about it.
I fixed my hair over the mark. "I just want to forget this ever happened. I'll
go home. Be with my brothers... It'll be fine." Yoongi pulled up into my
driveway. "Thank you for being there... I'll pay you back."
Yoongi shook his head. "Don't worry about it. Money's money. I'll keep checking
in on you, make sure you're okay?" I nodded giving him a hug before leaving.
I opened the door and Hoseok and Jungkook were waiting for me as usual. "Oh my
God, Kae." Hobi pulled me into a tight hug. "Are you okay?" I nodded, smiling
softly. "What's wrong with your cheek?" He asked, moving my hair out of the
way. I whimpered softly, it hurt only a little. "Why did you go over there?"
I sighed, pulling away. "He deserved to know that he was supposed to be a
dad... I needed to tell him." I nodded. "Now, I don't want to talk about it.
The rape, the pill, the pregnancy the abortion, the fight. All of it is off
limits, I can't talk about it right now." Hoseok sighed.
Jungkook stood up. "I'll go make you some soup." I smiled softly, going to sit
on the couch.
Hoseok came to sit next to me. "Let's watch a drama." He smiled, covering me up
with a throw blanket. As I started to relax, my phone rang out with a text from
Taehyung, quite a cryptic one.
Taehyung
WARNING:
LOVE HURTS. IT CAUSES ANGER, JEALOUSY, OBSESSION. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME BACK? I
NEED YOU. I'M WARNING YOU NOW, STOP CONFUSING ME.
I was going to block his number but he kept sending me these cryptic messages
and I couldn't understand what he meant.
Taehyung
Why are you doing this? Why are you making me into a fool? Are you joking? What
am I to you? Am I easy to you? Are you playing with me? You're in danger right
now, why are you testing me? It hurts so much because of you. You're so bad to
me. Why am I in love alone, why am I hurting alone? Why do I keep needing you
when I know I'll get hurt?
Me
Taehyung, I have nothing but good to you. This is the only "bad" thing I've
done to you. What are you talking about?
Taehyung
I told you to stop confusing me, it's gonna get you in trouble, Jeon Kaeseolin.
That's okay, Princess. You'll soon find out the hard way...
Me
What am I doing that is so confusing. You raped me. I got pregnant. I didn't
want our child to be born like that, born unplanned, only conceived from an
unwanted act. It deserved to go back home, it didn't deserve to see how bad
this world really was. Why can't you understand that?
Taehyung
You're such a bitch... You know we wanted to grow up together, raise children
together. Having that child could've fixed us.
Me:
Like being with me could fix your relationship with your father? If we stayed
together, he'd stop hurting you for being bisexual? If we had that child you'd
stop hurting me? Granted, you only violated me this one time, but how can I be
sure there won't be a second or a third? I want to love you and trust you. But
you broke that. Hurt people hurt people, but you don't have to self medicate
and act like you're okay. You do that and this happens. You start shooting up
again, this happens. I can't do that. I should've listened. I'll talk to you
later.
With that last speech, I blocked his number and turned off my phone. Jungkook
came back from the kitchen with a bowl of soup and a tray. "Here's some soup
and crackers," Jungkook smiled. Hoseok scooter over closer to me so that
Jungkook could sit down. I smiled, eating some soup and laying my head back.
This day was exhausting. It was only 5:00pm but I started to fall asleep in
Hobi's lap. I was trying not to be worried by Taehyung, but his outburst was
uncalled for and I was really starting to fear him. I sighed softly putting the
thoughts to rest as I fell asleep.
***** She's (Usually) Thoughtful *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung tries to push Kae further away from him until he believes
     she's in danger.
Chapter Notes
     Childhood trauma
     Implied Underage sex
     Implied sexual abuse (without intervention)
     Obsessive behavior
     Malicious planning
Jeon Kaeseolin was the love of my life... She never thought to ever betray me,
hurt me or forsake me. Until almost two months ago. And this? This happens and
I'm left completely heartbroken and disheveled. "Yoongi..." I mumbled. He'd
just come back from dropping Kae off. He had been staying with me after what
happened back in Daegu. I could never forget what happened in Daegu. Yoongi
came back to the living room, looking at me. "Why'd you fucking take her? And
not call me? Why didn't you let me know my fucking child was going to be
killed?"
Yoongi sighed, sitting next to me. "It's for the best, Taehyung... That child
didn't deserve to know how it was really conceived. It'd break them. I know it
would." Yoongi took my hand. "You just need to leave Kae alone, you're going to
hurt her for no reason at all." I took a deep breath, huffing out before laying
in his lap.
"I need her... The danger I'm in if I don't have her is too much," I'd never
forget my father's words the night Yoongi and I left for Busan. The words that
scared me beyond straight.
Yoongi ran his hands through my hair. "Kae needs a break, you do too. Your
father can't get you here, he doesn't even know that you're here. It's okay to
be yourself here, you know?" I sat up and Yoongi looked at me. "You're okay to
be a little bit gay, even if it's only for me." Yoongi knows me better than I
know myself. He knows I explode after a heartbreak and he knows I relapse,
whether it's drinking myself into oblivion or getting sky fucking high until I
don't even think I'm real. If it came to that, between sex, drugs and alcohol,
he'd rather me choose sex. And he'd rather me choose him. If I were to do this
with anyone else, someone who might've expected to find some relationship with
me, I'd be judged for just wanting sex and nothing more. Yoongi knew. Yoongi
knew me and my history, he wouldn't judge me.
I remember something he'd said to me when we ran away. The stress of everything
was catching up to me and in our little grungy, run down motel room, I had my
first consensual time. Afterwards, I cried. "Hey, Tae, come here... what's
wrong?" Yoongi mumbled, pulling me close.
I was crying for many reasons. I never thought having sex with a guy would ever
be okay. Not by societal standards, but by my own. I never thought I was going
to be okay after having sex with a guy. I was okay, I was safe, it was sane and
consensual. But the biggest reason I cried was over having sex with Yoongi
specifically. "I... Yoongi, I can't," I whimpered. "We can't be a thing. I
can't be with you."
He just sighed, continuing to calm me. "It's fine. I wasn't expecting us to
be... Sex shouldn't have you scared for your life, sex shouldn't be terrifying
and it can be the best thing ever to relieve stress, as long as you feel okay
with it. Did you feel okay with it?" I hesitated before nodding.
I cried louder, "It makes me a fag, I'm not a fag." The words haunted me. "I-
I want to be normal. What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I broken?"
Yoongi calmed me down again before speaking. "You're a bisexual teenager. You
came out to two men in your life that aren't all the way mentally stable. They
were broken themselves, they decided to try to break you. You are broken. You
have a broken life, a broken family, a broken spirit. But you are broken from
the abuse you refuse to admit you went through, not for being bisexual." The
sun was rising and we had to get up soon to start running again. "Promise me,
that despite everything you've gone through here, that you won't rely on drugs
and alcohol to relieve you. I'm here for you, if you have to use me, fine. I
don't want you strung out, too far gone for me to get you back." And I promised
him. As fucked up as it sounded, he made me promise to use him.
Here I was again, stressed as hell. I hated when I was stressed out. I needed
something that would ease my mind, cloud it a bit. I couldn't smoke anything, I
ran out of joints and cigarettes. Yoongi made me throw out other things. I
hated having to use him as a stress reliever. "Yoongi, I can't just forget that
you helped Kae kill my child. Let me guess, you also paid for it?"
Yoongi froze up, "How'd you know?" I avoided his eyes.
"I didn't until you just admitted it." I didn't know if I needed him for stress
relief anymore. "Thanks but I'd rather drink," I stood up getting off the
couch. I went into the kitchen to find just a little bit of vodka. Anything. I
was desperate.
Yoongi got up, following me. "Taehyung, you're not ready for a child. Neither
is Kae, I'm more ready than either of you and you know I'm one of the worst
people someone could have a child with." He defended. I hated when he put
himself down. But it got me to listen. "I'm no better in the head than anyone.
And you're not so good yourself. You don't want to hear it but do you even
realize you don't get the severity of what you did to her?" I have never in my
life wanted to punch Yoongi. I was prepared to. "Yes, you raped her. You did it
once. We can't even count how many times it happened to you. But you can't get
pregnant. You do not have control over Kae's body and you cannot force her to
carry a child she didn't want to make." Anger washed over me in a flash. I
couldn't stop it.
I growled, throwing a glass at the floor. "Damn it, I know I can't. But no
child deserves to die. No child deserves to me treated like me, like you. Every
child deserves a chance and she decided it didn't." I sighed, taking breaths to
calm me down. "I know, I lost control of myself... Kae is mine. She's my love.
I can't let Hoseok take her from me."
Yoongi groaned. "Do you know what happened that night? The night you decided
you hated Hoseok?" I shook my head, turning to glare at him.
"I don't care to know. He was just like everyone else. Who's to say he's not
going to fuck Kae's life up?" That night was one I really couldn't return to. I
hated Hoseok from that moment on. "He sat back and laughed at me. He watched me
get beaten and violated and he fucking laughed at me." Yoongi raised his hands,
walking away. He stopped trying to argue his point.
That's when I started to cry. I was trying to push Kae away, when in reality, I
needed to save her. Hoseok, he was a corrupting influence upon her once
considerate innocence. I needed to save her from him. I needed to get to her
before he did. A bystander that watches and laughs is almost just as bad as the
rapists themselves. Kae did this as a sign, so I knew how to help her. And no
one was going to get in my motherfucking way. Or else there'd be hell to pay.
***** I'm (Usually) Protective *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung follows through with his plan, alarming Yoongi; Yoongi
     reminds Tae why he shouldn't hate Hoseok
Chapter Notes
     WARNING:
     Kidnapping
     Implied rape from the past
     Implied date rape
     Stalkerish obsessive behaviors
After realizing what Kae needed, I stepped over the broken glass and straight
to my room, closing and locking the door. She needed saving from Hoseok, that
bastard. He kept her away from seeing me, he told her to get an abortion,
coached her act like it was her idea. Kaeseolin needed saving from her brother.
I never knew what happened behind closed doors, who knows what else he could be
doing to her. Or Jungkook even. Hoseok had to go. He was a piece of shit, not
deserving to walk this planet.
I opened up a safe deposit box, looking at what was inside. A roll of duct
tape, a gun, other weapons, handcuffs. I grabbed a notebook and started
writing. I knew her window was broken and I could climb in that way, she didn't
need to know I was saving her. I knew that Hoseok would be sound asleep at
around 8:00 PM and wouldn't get up to go to work until 3:00 AM. I knew that
Jungkook never slept completely though the night and he started going to bed at
10:00 PM so that he could drive Law to school at 7:00 AM then go to work
shortly after. I also knew that Kae was sick. She could've been home alone for
all the time. I could get her without a fight. But at night, no one can see me.
I chose night, later tonight. I was protecting her. No one else could see what
I was seeing. It was my duty to protect my baby.
Around midnight, I told Yoongi I was going on a ride. I often did this after I
was upset. But he seemed worried. "You don't want to just come lay with me for
a while? I don't want you out doing anything crazy..." Of course he was
worried, I shouldn't have expected him not to be.
I shook my head, "I need to be alone. And I'm not going to use you like I
usually do. Thanks though," I said, closing his bedroom door. I sighed, heading
out to my car. I sighed, looking in the back seat, making sure I had
everything. I sighed and looked in my wallet at the picture I kept of me and
Kae. "I'm coming for you sweetheart..." By this point, I accepted that I was
crazy. Crazy for Kae. Everything about her I loved. I couldn't let her get
away. I sighed, starting the car. I decided to take the backroad to her house.
It would give me a better chance I sneaking her past anyone.
As I pulled up to her house, anxiety rushed over me. I hated being here when
Hoseok was home. I hated it. I couldn't fathom what would happen if I woke him
up. I had to calm down, if I went in nervous, I would fail. I planned on going
in nicely, trying to woo Kae before anything else. And so I did. I climbed the
stairs to her balcony, knocking softly. Kae was awake, at her desk working. She
was hesitant in letting me in,  but did so after locking her bedroom door.
Better than I had planned. "Taehyung, what the hell are you doing here?" She
asked, letting me in.
I closed the door behind me, taking her into my arms and kissing her. I was
scared she was going to resist, so I threw my plan of being nice out of the
window. I kept kissing her, taking away her ability to make a sound. I leaned
her against the wall before I stopped. "You have to be quiet, okay?" I sighed.
"I'm sorry but I have to do this." Her eyes widened as I produced the roll of
duct tape from my jacket. I was able to cover her mouth, no issue. "Don't be
afraid," I whispered, caressing her face. Kae looked away from me, but not
fighting. I didn't know why she wouldn't fight. I grabbed her wrists, wrapping
the duct tape around them, binding them together. I looked around her room.
"You're staying with me." I announced. I opened up a new word document on her
laptop, typing away I left a note for whoever was going to come in and see her
gone:
Brothers,
Please do not worry about me. I needed to go away for a while, reevaluate my
decision. It was still very heartbreaking for me. I simply don't care to be
bothered. My phone won't be charged, I won't respond. But I love the both of
you so much. Sorry to have to worry you, but I never stray far away. I'll be
back.
~Jeon Kaeseolin
I reread over the paragraph, making sure it was convincing. I grabbed Kae's
phone and her bag. I'd buy her anything over again, I just needed to get her
out of here. I unlocked her door and turned off her ceiling light, leaving her
desk lamp on. "Let's go," I said, taking her keys. I pushed her outside,
grabbing onto her arm. I shut her baloney door quietly and locked it. I knew
she always kept it locked anyway. I grabbed onto her as we walked down the
stairs quickly and quietly, heading to my car. I opened the back door, got her
in and threw her bag on the floor. Just as simple as that, I had my Kaeseolin
again. It was so simple and easy. I started driving away and explaining. "I
understand that Hoseok didn't give you a choice and you had to abort. You
wouldn't do that. The real Kae wouldn't do it. You had to have someone else to
tell you to do that." I sighed,  following the backroad to my house. "I love
you, I had to help you." Pulling up into my driveway, I got out to get Kae and
her bag. "Let's get inside." Once again, she didn't fight it. I smiled to
myself. She wasn't fighting me. She knew I was saving her, that I was doing the
right thing.
As I opened the door, I heard Yoongi call for me. I dragged Kae upstairs toward
my room, Yoongi was hanging in the upstairs living room. "What the fuck, 
Taehyung?" Yoongi yelled. "Kae?" She nodded in response. "What the fuck are you
doing with her? I told you to leave her alone!" Yoongi started to come toward
me, when Kae shook her head furiously. Then I remembered why she potentially
wouldn't fight. I had the gun in my pocket. I instinctively grabbed it, keeping
it to my side.
"Don't turn on me now, Yoongi." I warned. He sighed. "You promised me that I'd
always have you. You're in on this too. You're going to help me." I started
walking to my room with Kae, Yoongi following behind us. I sat Kae on the bed.
I took off the duct tape around her lips, causing her to yelp out. "Fuck, Tae!"
She yelled out. "Are you insane? What is it you have against Hoseok?"
I laughed. "He's always enjoyed my misery.  Ever since I came here." I grabbed
Kae's phone, unlocking it. She had no texts coming in whatsoever from Hoseok or
Jungkook, so no one found her bed empty. "And I'm keeping this for a while." I
turned off her phone, putting it in my pocket.
Kae groaned rolling her eyes. "Tae, Hoseok is not fucking evil, I don't see how
he could enjoy anyone's misery." Kae flipped Her head, getting hair out of her
face. "And he didn't even know I was pregnant until after I did it."
That made me slightly angry. The only brother I liked must've told her then.
"So it was Jungkook?" I asked.
She sighed, "No, you dumbass. He talked about me keeping it or giving it up for
adoption before I made him tell me about abortion. He probably bought three
expensive tests just so he wouldn't have money to give me. He wasn't so happy
about my choice either. Neither was Jin. I-" I scoffed cutting her off.
"Y-you called my cousin and told him?" She nodded, seeming exasperated with
this. "Why didn't he tell me either?"
Kae sighed, pulling against the tape on her wrists. "I don't know but he didn't
give me any money either way it goes. He wanted me to talk to you about it."
Good to know one person was on my side. "I didn't want to hurt you, but
understand me when I say, we're not ready. If I can even open myself up to you
again, if I can even bring myself to consider dating you again, maybe we have a
future  maybe we will have a baby later.  Maybe. That all depends on whether or
not I can trust you, but kidnapping me in the middle of the night isn't helping
one bit." She sighed,  looking defeated. "Just don't hurt Jungkook or Hoseok.
Please." Kae shifted around to lay down with her back to me. Yoongi shook his
head and walked to his room.
I followed behind and closed the door, locking it from the outside. "Why can't
you leave her alone Taehyung?  This has gone on far too long." He asked yelling
at me.
"Why are you standing up for her?" I asked. "You're my best friend, my partner
for life, you're supposed to support me and help me."
Yoongi rolled his eyes at me. Was that everyone's fucking specialty today? "For
fuck's sake, because if I was with a girl and got her pregnant, I'd understand
that it's a choice that I can't make for her. And I understand that if I hurt
her,  she can leave me." He sat down on his bed. "I understand that a woman has
a brain of her own and doesn't need someone to protect her all the time,
especially someone riddled with their own insecurities. Tae, you hate Hoseok
for literally no reason.  You don't remember what happened that night." I
sighed, sitting next to him.
I turned to face him. "Then tell me," I said. "Tell me what I'm not
understanding."
Yoongi returned my gaze, looking at me. "Hoseok wasn't watching you be hurt and
laughing. We were both there trying to help you." He said. "I don't know who
was laughing at you, but he could've looked Hoseok. He picked up off the ground
and you pushed him away because you trust no other guy but me, which is
understandable. But he didn't laugh at you and walk away Taehyung. You were
drugged and only recognized me. Hoseok wouldn't stare at someone being raped
and laugh. That's not him, stop treating him like it is." Yoongi laid down,
turning his back to me.
I looked at him in disbelief. "Why are you siding with them?" I asked. "Don't
lie for him."
Yoongi's back rose as he took a deep breath. "Okay," he nodded. He turned on
his side, taking my hand. "Just lay down with me and go to sleep..." I nodded,
laying down onto his arms. "We'll make it better, Tae. I promise." I sighed,
taking his word for it, slowly falling asleep.
***** She's (Usually) Accepting *****
Chapter Summary
     Taehyung tries to show Kae how sorry he is; Yoongi tries to relax
     Taehyung
Chapter Notes
     Warning: abuse, childhood scars, attempted rebound sex
Waking up at 5 AM was never my forte, but I had to make sure Kae didn't leave
or try to leave. Hoseok could find her. I couldn't allow that. Not today. I
unlocked the bedroom door, checking on her. "Kae?" I asked, peeking into the
room. She wasn't in bed, I found her sitting on the floor in the middle of the
room.
"Leave me the fuck alone," She snapped. Kae was being so cold toward me and I
didn't understand it. I saved her. She should love me again.
I didn't accept that answer, sitting down with her. "Kae, baby, this is all
necessary for us to have a chance. For you to be safe..." I reached for her
hand but she flinched away. It struck me in my heart, hard. Never has she hated
me like this and it brought tears to my eyes. "Trust me," I whimpered, the
tears actually flowing. I was so scared of losing her, it was crazy. I loved
her so much... Too much.
Kaeseolin finally looked up at me. I tried to stop myself from crying, she
hates seeing me upset. "Fucking save me from what? Why'd you bring back to you,
the one who raped me, the one who got me pregnant at 16, the one I finally
decided to stay away from?" She was livid, she's never this mad. "I tried so
hard to believe that I could still be with you. No, not anymore. You fucked me
up. I will forever have the memory of my boyfriend continuing to have sex with
me after I said no, after I trusted him to know when to stop. We've talked
about sex so many fucking times, Taehyung. And you went back on everything you
said you wouldn't do to me. I can't be with you. I don't fucking want you." Kae
gasped out, shutting up. I didn't understand why until she looked back at me. I
didn't even realize I slapped her.
Rage flooded my veins. "And you didn't hurt me?" I asked, tears never stopping.
"You killed our fucking baby. My fucking child and you fucking murdered it!" I
screamed.
"For fuck's sake stop calling it our child," Kae growled, standing up. "I
didn't kill an undeveloped embryo. It wasn't a full fucking baby yet, it had a
chance to be saved from you." I stood up, emotions running wild. Why'd I fall
in love with her? A killer? "I refuse to have my baby with a fucking rapist!"
She started to head for the door.
I turned and slammed it shut, locking it. "Do you know how many times I've been
abused and violated? Manipulated for some grown man's fucking pleasure? Do you
know how many days I can fucking count that I've been used for sex?" I never
talked about this with anyone who wasn't Yoongi. "I can show you journals I
kept of how many times in one day my father would use me. And I was supposed to
love it because I'm bisexual. Do you know how many nightmares I suffer?" Kae
went quiet, walking away from me. My chest always started to hurt when
remembering these things, my head began spinning. "I can have sleep paralysis,
Yoongi can be in his room and I can be in here screaming for my dad to stop. No
one's fucking touching me. I'm in here alone, begging, pleading for my dad to
let me go outside and play with Yoongi." Kae looked up at me, listening to me.
"Kae, I scream so loud that Yoongi has to come wake me up. He can't bang on the
door or I'll freak out more. That's why this door has a key. I lock my door
every night I'm in here and he has to use the key to unlock it to come help
me."
I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Taehyung, I'm sorry your dad did that to you.
I'm sorry that you have nightmares" Kae responded. "If you tell me the rest of
your story, I'll listen. But it doesn't change that you raped me." She said.
I wiped tears off of my face. "And I hate myself more than you hate me right
now. I'm sorry." I sighed, looking at Kae. She wouldn't look me in the eye.
"The nightmares used to be so bad that neighbors heard me and called 911... I
haven't had a policeman knocking at my door in two years. You, Jeon
Kaeseolin... you helped absolve my nightmares. And I want to thank you for
that." Kae sighed and got up, walking to me.
She kissed me softly, like she meant it. "Glad to have helped."
I stared at her beautiful chocolate orbs, my breath hitching in my throat. "C-
Can I have you for one more night? Please? Please, I love you. And I want to
show you. I can fix us please." She shook her head, going back to the bed.
"Maybe later if I can allow you to. I don't think I can. So, that's that. Now
let me go back to bed, let the depression consume me. And I mean it, don't walk
back in here today. Since I can't go home and be with my family." With that,
she shut me out again.
I sighed, unlocking the door and leaving. I contemplated leaving it open but
ultimately decided not to. That wouldn't be wise at all. Going back to Yoongi's
room, he was now also awake. "Taehyung..." He sighed, morning voice deep and
husky. He turned the lamp on next to him, bringing a dim glow to the room.
I shook my head, getting into bed, leaning over him. "Shut up," I mumbled,
kissing him needingly. I needed euphoria and if it had to be erotic euphoria,
then so be it. "I need to use you. Please, don't shut me out too..." I
whimpered, tears cascading down my cheek.
"Hey, hey," Yoongi hushed, holding my face. "I'm not going to shut you out, I
promise." I nodded sadly, bringing my leg around as I straddled him, sitting in
his lap.
I sighed, looking deep into his eyes. It was hard to do this, be unfaithful to
Kae. Then, I realized that I was single now. I could do this without the guilt
of being a cheater. There was no more time for thinking as Yoongi laid me back,
hovering over me. "We have no time for foreplay," I said. It's been two years
since I've needed Yoongi like this. My promiscuous side begged for his touch.
He knew how to get me to relax.
Cautiously, Yoongi ran his hands down my sides. "You okay?" He asked. I nodded
slightly, let him slowly massage my sides, hips and thighs. It was soothing,
somewhat getting me sleepy. Something wasn't right.
I grabbed Yoongi's hands, pulling myself up. "Why are you being so careful with
me?" I asked. I wasn't extremely fragile. "You're like, scared to do this... I
can feel it. You're putting me to sleep."
Yoongi sighed. "You're bottoming... Why are you bottoming?" He asked, taking my
hands.
"Last time I topped, I raped someone." I shrugged, raising my shirt over my
head.
Yoongi was visibly uncomfortable now, sitting up a bit more. "And last time you
were a bottom, we were in Daegu." He was right. Whenever I needed Yoongi, he
was always a bottom, never a top. "I told you that you could use me if you
needed to and if I'm not a bottom, I'll end up using you and I don't want
that." I sighed, moving over to my side of the bed. "Can I rock you back to
sleep at least? I can relax you that way."
I didn't want to push Yoongi away, he was always trying his hardest to shelter
me and keep me happy and safe. So I laid on his chest as he turned off the lamp
and settled back down to bed. "Thanks Yoongi-hyung," I sighed, softly. I hadn't
used honorifics with him in a while. "For being by my side." I laid my hand
next to my face, circling patterns into his stomach with my finger before
settling down and grabbing into his shirt.
"I'm always going to be by your side." He said, smiling. I heard the smile ride
in his voice. "Even if I'm an old guy and you end up taking care of me instead.
I'll be here." I smiled softly, relaxing into his touch as I fell asleep again.
***** NOTICE (NOT AN UPDATE) *****
HEY GUYS I WILL DELETE THIS NOTE WHEN I FINALLY HAVE A CHANCE:
None of my stories are finished. I'm in a financial bind right now, which is
resulting in my household not having internet. School also starts for me soon,
so I am mentally preparing. This is my junior year and I need to make sure I'm
ready to be proactive this year. As I have been all summer, I am also working
with Show Choir, which will take up most of my time as we are competitive and
will travel for shows and competition. On top of that, I am also sick, trying
to get healthy so I can be ready for school and show choir and to do all the
things I thoroughly love and enjoy.
Please be patient with me, I am not sure when I'll have internet again and I'm
not sure when I'll be free or well enough to write. I'm writing on my phone
currently and it takes forever to write on, considering my data isn't the best
either.
No one has been terribly impatient or rude, I'm not trying to call anyone out,
you all just deserve a heads up and a warning for this. I had no idea it would
take this long to get back on track with these things, so bear with me please.
My Wattpad has the same handle as here: smoshyphantrash
All Love
Kaycee
***** I'm (Usually) At Peace *****
Chapter Summary
     Tae travels back to his hometown and brings his baggage back home.
Chapter Notes
     strong non-con and sexual matters lie ahead.
Daegu. I fucking hated Daegu. Never in my life had I planned to ever go back. I
got up before Yoongi did and grabbed the mail we got. It was a letter. From my
mother. In Daegu...
Taehyung,
Son, I don't know where you are... Someone suspected you were in Seoul, so I
sent a letter there. It was returned to me. I tried Busan. Returned. Jeonju,
returned. Suwon, returned. Osan, Gimje, both returned. So now, I'm trying
Gwangju, praying that this will not be returned. You and Yoongi live together,
I assume? So I put both of your names on it. It's been years since you ran away
and while I truly want my son back, I understand why you can't come back.
Your father has fallen very ill, he's slowly losing everything. Sight, hearing,
memory. I know your relationship with him is strained, but I also know that he
wants to see you before he passes on. Do you think you could do that for me?
I love you and miss you, Taehyung...
Sincerely,
Your Eomma.
I didn't want to see the man that destroyed me. I barely wanted to see the
woman who didn't stop it. However, I knew that if I wouldn't go, I would be
holding onto years of emotional baggage. I needed to tell him before he passed
so I could let it go. Besides, it was for my own personal gain, I'd be
emotionally and mentally stronger. I'd be able to show Kae that I was worth the
chance. I sighed, looking in the drawer by the front door. I grabbed the ticket
there, reading it to myself:
BUS TRANSIT
GWANGJU to DAEGU
Date: 18 September
Departure: U, 6:05AM
Arrival: 대구서부 - Daegu West Intercity Bus Terminal, 8:05AM
Entry Gate: A9
BUS TRANSITGWANGJU to DAEGUDate: 18 September Departure: U, 6:05AMArrival: 대구서부
- Daegu West Intercity Bus Terminal, 8:05AMEntry Gate: A9
I sighed, grabbing my bag. I trusted Yoongi to keep Kaeseolin in place, he was
on my side for the most part.
I arrived at Daegu West Intercity and there was my mother, waiting for me. She
looked stressed and worn down. And she burst into tears when she saw me. I
suddenly felt a true guilt in my stomach. I felt like she slowly wasted away
because he son disappeared. I felt horrible. I'd make sure my child didn't have
to deal with this sense of guilt. I'd keep them near.
"My son," Eomma cried. "I-I missed you. I didn't think I'd ever find you
again." I nodded, looking down at here a little bit. "Oh, here. Let me grab
your bag."
I shook my head. "No, Eomma," I smiled. "I've got it. Thank you though." Her
face fell a little bit. She nodded, walking ahead and leading me to her
vehicle. I didn't know how to react. I was about to be face to face with my
sperm donor, a man I didn't care to know. To make matters worse, I didn't have
Yoongi with me. I had no safety blanket, a refuge. I didn't have shit all to
fucking save me from the flashbacks. To spend the night back under the roof
that collapsed on me was something I didn't want to do. Only for my mother
would I subject myself to being in the same vicinity as the man who took all of
my innocence.
Only for my mother would I subject myself to being in the same vicinity as the
man who took all of my innocence
Walking up the drive to my old house was a headrush. I could only remember the
days I ran out of the house, beaten and torn, running to Yoongi's house down
the street. I wanted to turn around. My mother led the way and opened the door
for me. I bit my lip, trying to be the bigger man. "Appa?" I yelled. There was
no response. Thank God, maybe the bastard died while she came to pick me up.
"You'd have to be louder than that, his hearing is the next to go." She walked
into their room and I was shocked at what I saw. The man who ruined me was now
ruined and reduced to almost nothing. He stood weakly and cowardly as he
struggled to feel for direction. Obstacles were huge for him as he bumped into
the edge of the bed and the dresser and almost tripped over his oxygen tank.
I gasped softly, not knowing how to feel about this. "Who's there?" Appa made
his way toward me and I stood, frozen. Just like I had whenever he'd bring me
here when Eomma was at work, punishing me for the part of me that was
homosexual. I reluctantly held my hands out for him to grab onto. Confusion was
plastered on his face as I once again allowed him to feel me up. This time, for
the purpose of gathering his surroundings. His hand roamed my chest, down to my
hips and back up to my face. "T-Taehyung?" He asked. He looked to the side of
me. He really was blind.
"Yes, Appa. It's me." I mumbled, holding onto him. I saw a smile appear on his
face. I didn't know how to feel about that. His hands fell down to my hips
again as he buried his face into my chest, crying. I didn't want him touching
me at all. Yet, the man was blind. I had to accommodate somewhere.
Appa raised his head. "I'm so glad you're here," he smiled. Somehow I was even
more disappointed? I didn't come here in search of a reconnection through a
heartfelt apology, so why did I half-ass expect one? I nodded slowly, leading
him back to his bed. "Seung Ri," He sighed, addressing my mother. "Let us have
time to ourselves, yes?" He glanced where he felt my presence. I was struggling
to find words, so I could only nod, despite my burning urge to say no.
Eomma nodded, "I'll make your favorite home cooked meal, yes?" She asked me. I
nodded again, thanking her. "Ji Hwan, please make sure you take your medicine
if I'm not in here on time."
With that, she left me to tend to Appa. Us, alone. He may be blind and ill but
I didn't trust him around me. Nor did I trust me around him. I'd go back to
submissive, 13 year old me. I'm not that Taehyung anymore, but this man would
make me feel so small and fragile. "You've grown up, boy," He said, not moving
toward the bed or the recliner they had. His hands just continued to roam. I
looked up at the ceiling, silently praying for whatever deity there was to just
choke him to death right now. "Yep, fully grown. Are you a man now?"
I knew exactly what he meant. "You mean, am I not a fag anymore? The answer to
that would be I'm still the same gay ass boy you used to have fun with.
However, I do have a girlfriend that I love very much." I started to think
about Kaeseolin, waiting until I could get back to her.
"So much animosity in your voice, Kim Taehyung." Appa gripped onto my shirt,
leaning on me. "It's because of your punishments I administered that you found
her. You should thank me." He started to smile.
I just laughed, "Thank you? I'll thank you for ruining me, sure. Just sit in
your chair, take your medicines once and forget so you can take them twice and
die." I didn't care about his feelings in any way. "I only came for Eomma. She
wanted me to see you. I don't forgive you, we aren't friends and we damn sure
aren't father and son. If you die and I miraculously attend your funeral, it's
for Eomma who lost a husband. Not for the man in the casket." I scoffed a bit.
"How do you sleep at night knowing you used to beat your son for being
bisexual? I'd rather you try to pray away the gay rather than rape away the
gay. At least taking me to a priest every fucking Wednesday would be an easier
thing to wipe away. This shit you did to me? I hope Satan has it out for you so
you can feel everything I felt, you evil bastard. I don't give a damn about
you." With that, I ended my heated spiel.
I'm usually at peace with my decisions but as the day progressed, I began
regretting it even more. The homophobic remarks, the sadistic ones to match? I
couldn't take much more for much longer.
It was around five o'clock that I decided it was time to leave. Just to trigger
me, my father overstepped his boundaries again. Even though he was deathly ill,
he was still the dirty, perverted bastard that took everything innocent and
pure away from me. As he was laying in bed, I leaned down to set out all of his
medicines again for him to take later in the night. His hand so conveniently
fell and brushed against my groin. I gasped a bit, taken by surprise and my
body betraying me. "You're no man, Taehyung... You think you're so mature,
running away from home? How would your girlfriend like to know that it doesn't
matter who touches you, you'll get hornier than a bitch in heat?"
I shoved his hand away, moving from the nightstand. "How would Eomma like to
know that her husband is a fucking child molester and even worse, a rapist?" I
yelled. "How would Eomma like to know that she didn't get you off to your
satisfaction? I did, motherfucker. Because you used the word "punishment" as a
cover for using me in any fucking way you wanted to, you weak dick cowardly
bitch!" I screamed. I needed to leave before I was charged with elderly abuse.
I opened the door to the bedroom, leading out into the living room. "At least
her husband isn't a fag!" He childishly yelled.
"Then what the hell does fucking me make you?" I yelled back.
Eomma came up behind me. "What is going on here?" She asked.
I took a deep breath. "Eomma, you are my mother and you know I love you with
all of my heart but I don't know how to forgive you for staying with this man,"
I started, pointing in his direction. "He has done nothing but made your son
feel unsafe and like a subspecies, something he can manipulate and walk away
from as if it will feel fucking nothing. He never raised me. He raped me. You
knew it. You knew it and you didn't protect me from it. I know he's dying but
do you think I care? No, I came for you but you just threw me right back into
the vulnerable place I didn't want to be. I was at peace in Gwangju. Daegu is
nothing but a memory I never want to revisit again." I grabbed my bag, looking
her in the eye. "You can visit me all you want. Never in your life ask me to
visit you again."
My mother looked so heartbroken. "Tae," she mumbled. "I-I never knew. I must be
the worst mother ever. I never knew he'd done anything like this." She glanced
over at the bedroom door. "Why'd you two blow up like that though?" She asked,
holding my face in her hands.
"I tried to ignore the flashbacks for you, Mama. I really tried. He brought
every single one to them back to life with a simple touch." I let my eye
drifted down slightly to give her a clue without having her find out herself.
"My body," I sighed, biting my lip. "It's betrayed me once again. I never asked
for any of this."
My mother just pulled me into a tight hug, bawling her eyes out. "Taehyung,
baby, you could've told me. I love you in your entirety, you could bring home
anyone and I'd love them like they were my own. You could tell you're addicted
to something and I'd break my back to get you clean. I held your hand through
suicidal thoughts and actions, I love you, son. You could've told me... It was
okay to do, Tae." I felt so bad, I absolutely wanted to hold everything
together for my Eomma, she deserved it.
It took her a while to let me go, but I finally got a ticket home and by nine
o'clock, I was back home. My real home. "Tae!" Yoongi smiled, getting up off of
the couch. "Where did you go, I was so worried about you." I glared at him,
lust pulsating through my veins. "What's wron-"
I shushed him, walking closer to him, luring him to the couch. "I don't want to
talk. I don't want to listen to anything else but someone screaming my name." I
pulled him closer, kissing him roughly. "I want you to go upstairs, take
everything off and wait for me. Do you understand? Daddy's kinky tonight."
Yoongi nodded, going upstairs to follow orders.
I went to the kitchen and grabbed some water and a box of crackers. I came
upstairs and threw the bottle and box into Kae's dungeon of a room. She was
still there. I honestly didn't care about her comfort. I was hurt, angry and
fully distressed. It was either fuck Yoongi or play shoot 'em up with my veins.
"Tae?" Kae called out, shortly before I closed the door.
I sighed, "What?"
She sighed in relief that it was me. "Let me go home tomorrow, please?"
I shook my head, stepping into the room. Her face was terrified, I hadn't done
anything to her yet. "You see, Kae, you're not leaving here for about two,
maybe three months. I need to make sure you're safe before I send you back
home." I laid down next to her. I don't know what happened but I began blacking
out, mentally. I was doing something but I didn't remember what it was.
I came too in Yoongi's bed, holding him close. "Tae, is Kaeseolin crying?" He
asked, starting to sit up. I kept quiet, listening for her. "I think she is...
Before you came in here, you seemed angry. Are you okay? What'd you do to her?"
Yoongi got up and threw on some clothes, heading across the hall. Her cries
were amplified as he kept both doors open. "Tae!" Yoongi yelled. I got up,
following suit and rushed into the room. I gasped, looking at Kae. She was
bruised, broken and bare.
"I hate you! Let me go!" Kae screamed. "He loves me? Who hurts someone they
love like this?" I looked at where she was sitting as I noticed a small
bloodstain. What the fuck did I do? I honestly couldn't remember.
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