Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/2080458.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Vampire_Knight
  Relationship:
      Zero_Kiryu/Takuma_Ichijo
  Additional Tags:
      Yaoi, Self-Harm, Bloodlust, Vampires, Spoilers, Triggers, Control,
      BoyxBoy, Sex, Boys_Love_-_Freeform, Mental_Health_Issues, Mental
      Instability, Blow_Jobs, Alternate_Universe, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering,
      First_Time, First_Time_Blow_Jobs
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-08-04 Updated: 2017-08-17 Chapters: 3/? Words: 2854
****** Supported ******
by Kassidy_Knight
Summary
     Sort of AU, sort of not. Cross finds out that Zero has been self-
     harming so he takes his little family on a vacation of sorts to help
     clear Zero' s head. Despite thinking he is doing good, things take a
     turn for the worst with Zero's mental health. How is he supposed to
     keep calm when his blood lust is fluctuating, everything around him
     is changing and the vampires that he's supposed to be have a break
     from keep turning up. Warnings: self-harm and triggers! Sensitive
     content!
***** The Begining *****
There is something satisfying about leaving Cross Academy. It doesn't really
matter where I'm going as long as I'm moving away from that place and those
beasts. I'm not moving, and I know I will have to go back, but I think that
this retreat is going to be what I need to get me back on the straight and
narrow.
Not that you particularly care, but recently I've been a sort of a rut. I've
hit a low that I have never hit before but I have to keep pushing my body
forward. There is no stopping now. It's the only option I have, what with
Cross, Yukki and now Sensei watching every move I make, I hardly have time to
think.
It's not fun.
It's happening with increasing regularity. The blood lust I mean, the crippling
pain that courses through my body rendering me practically catatonic. Except
for when I smell it, that sweet elixir that draws me to it. That slices through
the fog that surrounds my brain and numbs the rational part of my mind that
tells me to stop. The slow dripping it as it wells up from the wound in the
skin. I can feel my throat burning just by thinking about it.
An unquenchable thirst.
Agreements have been made, for Yukki's sake, that I feed from her beloved
Kaname to stop myself from falling too low. I hate myself for it every time. To
know that I am in his debt every time it gets to that specific point. Something
I hate to the same level, if not more, is the side effects that come from
drinking his blood. As the rich liquid glides down my throat, I can feel what
he feels. He always pretends that it isn't me, not that I mind, but that it's
Yukki, lovingly partaking from his neck. The lust he feels, I feel. As if I
didn't have my own 'problem' to take care of, I also have his love and lust
crashing into my system. Nothing is more euphoric than feeding between
vampires, usually an act of love and trust, it's hard to get your body to stop
reacting as much. We always have that awkward parting, both us forgetting who
we're with during the act that when reality hits, it's hard to look your rival
in the face when you're both rock hard and in dire need for release.
I always feeling like I'm drowning and I can't seem to catch my breath. So I
started self-harming. It's stupid, I know. An I know I'm risking my life and
the lives of others but that burns helps in more way than one. At first it was
an accident, a simple cut with a razor that left me craving the touch of the
cool metal, even if it does set off my blood lust.
It hasn't happened very often, but it still does. Despite what the petty people
at school say; it's not a cry for attention. If I wanted attention (which I
definitely don't) I'd run stark bollock naked through the school! I'm quite
happy blending in with the surroundings. You see, I consider myself a people
watcher. No, or in a creepy stalker kind of way, who has time for that shit? I
mean, I don't need to talk and make myself heard to understand. I do it for the
control I feel. I need control, it makes me feel better, safer, and when I
can't control something that is having a major effect on me, I can't stand it.
I begin to feel like I'm drowning, like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
and people just turn away. Not there problem, not wasting their time.
That's the real reason that I'm going away with the headmaster, Yukki and
Sensei; because Cross found one of my blades. He thinks I don't know but I do,
when you like things a certain way all the time, you notice when not-so-sneaky
guardians have been in your dorm room, moving things about. I know he's going
to approach me about it and ask me to stop, and I'll tell him that I'll try.
It's a lie. I won't stop. I can't stop. We're here already. It's so different
from what we're used to, I can already feel myself losing a sense of control. I
have to stay calm, Yukki is looking at me with glee in her eyes, pointing at
stuff outside of the glass with childish amusement.
I know I'm not going to enjoy this, not one bit.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Summary
     Showers, Troubles and Stupid Illusions
Chapter Notes
     I am so sorry to everyone has ever looked, read, kudos'ed or
     bookmarked this because it has now been over a year since I wrote the
     first chapter. So much has happened and I haven't even thought about
     things properly, I'll try and not leave it this long next time.
     Kass/Beau x
I’ve just fed. The first time since I have been here. It’s a harsh shock to
reality, a fact that no matter how far we go, I go, it will always be a part of
me. I’m laid on the bed with an unbelievably hard cock, throbbing in my jeans.
I’ve slung an arm over my face to try and hide my mortification even though I
know that there is no-one in the room. He left nearly 15 minutes ago but that
doesn’t stop me from wallowing in embarrassment for the rest of the night. The
sky had been darkening when he came through, bringing other devils like him. I
don’t know how many there are but I don’t care either since I don’t plan on
moving until at least midday tomorrow.
I’m beginning to ache more; in my chest and my dick.
I hate that it won’t go away. Well, that’s a lie, there is one way that I can
get rid of it but I’m not to keen on that... Not with so many people in the
house. Moving my arm above my head, my mind begins to wonder. Wonder to the way
that things could have been: just normal people, sitting down stairs having a
drink, the loner of the household upstairs, alone, visions of beautiful women
in his head to make his dick so hard it could crack concrete.
But no, nothing an be that simple can it.
There are vampires downstairs talking about shit all and drink fake blood, the
vampire hunter who is actually a vampire himself, nothing in his head but self-
loathing that one of the beasts - no the king of the beasts - made him so hard
that’s hating to squirm a little to gain a little relief. I can’t help but
fixate on the fact that everything could be different.
Pushing myself up so that I am in a sitting position, I look down at the bulge
in my jeans and realise that I have to do something about it. Something that I
know is going to set off a chain of events that I have been brought here to
forget about, to suppress. Don’t they realise that they can’t make this go
away.
I hate it! I hate me...
Sliding of my bed onto the floor, I reach under the bed to find the case of my
Bloody Rose. It was the only thing that I could smuggle my blades in. They
checked me and my luggage all over, but they knew I would never forgive them,
look at them or do anything for them ever again if they ever touched my gun.
You see, the gun case is small and rectangular, like the type of boxes that you
carry instruments like clarinets in. Except, when I lift Bloody Rose and her
bullets out of it, the faux-velvet lining peels back slightly in the corner.
Not enough to be noticeable, if anyone else was to look at it, they would image
that the case is old and needs replacing. To me, it is a gift, a place that I
can hide small, delicate things without worrying that they will be found. If
you pull gently at the fabric, then lining and oasis in the box lifts up. There
isn’t a lot of room for other things; a couple of razor blades are nicely
pressed into the side. Next to them, a couple of small sowing needles and a
lighter.
Carefully pulling them out of the lining, I lay them on to floor next to me
while I put the box back together. There is a bathroom opposite the room that I
am staying in and, although nothing has been said out loud, it is mine. Nobody
uses it but me. I think Cross and Sensei decided and just made Yukki agree
without actually considering anything.
I know that I can’t do anything until him and his hoard of buffoons are out of
the house but at least I can sort myself out. It has wilted a little since
thinking about my self loathing but brining my attention back to my dick seems
to have its attention again.
Checking that there is nobody in the hall way or around the other doorways in
the long corridor, I quickly make a dash into the room that is nearly opposite.
Turning on the shower to warm up, I lie the implements out in the order that I
plan to use them. As morbid as it is, I do enjoy thinking about the punishment
that I give myself before it happens. That way, I know how many cuts, jabs, or
burns that I should have to make myself a better person.
Today’s plan of action is going to be razor blade, top right thigh. I don’t
think I dare do anything else at the minute with them watching my like a hawk.
Plus I need to be able to hide things, I can’t do my arms seen as this is a
‘summer’ visit and it would look weird wearing a jacket all of the time. No. I
can’t draw too much attention to myself. Pushing the other two things behind
the stand to the sink, I move into the shower, blade moved ready onto the shelf
that is in there.
The water is hot, too hot. It is burning my skin but it feels good. I can’t
help it, but it is an easy excuse - “oh, I had a shower, but it was too hot, so
I just laid on my bed to cool down and ended up falling asleep”. Cover story in
place, I look down at my neglected member, hatred in my heart and let the
boiling water and my imagination take over.
I’m not really picky when it comes to fantasies. Some my say that I am
unimaginative, but really, I just want something that gets the job done. There
is a person in front of me, it’s hard to tell details like appearance and
gender because they don’t matter. It’s what they do. Especially when they are
stroking down my place chest, sinking to their knees and taking me in their
mouth. It doesn’t matter the fact that I don’t know what they look like as they
slide their hands to hips, pulling me in more. Or that those hands are slowly
moving backwards to grab my ass, pulling my cheeks apart while encouraging me
to thrust faster into their face. It doesn’t matter that I can feel my own hand
travelling back there to play with something that other guys in my class would
be mortified at doing while my fist is still clenched around my member. Faster
and faster my hands are moving, pleasure wracking my body.
That’s when I hear something behind me. My eyes snap open and the bottom of my
stomach drops because if they come in,, if they are here, everything become so
much more difficult.
***** Caught in the Act *****
Chapter Summary
     Zero gets caught doing things he shouldn't.
Chapter Notes
     Alright, I literally have no excuse as to why I have not been writing
     this. I've seen all of your messages and it's made me think, why
     should I give up on something that I love doing just because I don't
     think I can do it anymore.
     So this is it, I'm so sorry its about three years too late. Love you
     all, that you for commenting.
Soft knocking comes from the door. It can barely hear it over the sound of the
shower, but alas, it’s still there. “W-what do you want?” The crack in Zero’s
voice is almost as embarrassing as the throbbing cock in his hand. The doorknob
turns, somebody is trying to come in and he could feel the panic start to rise
in his chest. It felt like something heavy pushing down on his chest, breath
coming in short, sharp gasps. ‘Did I lock the door? I definitely did… right?
Shit! What if the see me? I’m naked, hard. And with my blades out as well, for
Christ’s Sake’
The doorknob turned but nothing happened.
A slow, shaky breath left Zero’s mouth, trying to calm his nerves.
“I was told to come and check on you,” a quiet voice sounded. It sounded
familiar, yes, but it didn’t belong in the villa that they were now in, “the
Headmaster is asking after you.” ‘Fucking vampires! Why? Why are they here? It
wasn’t fair! I’m already being sent into the Night Class with them, this was
meant to be my time!’
His eternal monologue stops at that thought, his time? He wasn’t special enough
to have time with people. Nor should he care about them trying to ‘fix’ him; he
wasn’t worth fixing. It wasn’t worth the time or the effort, not if they
couldn’t do anything for him. He’s deal with this later.
“Go away,” he yells back, “I don’t need you coming and checking up on me,
vampire!” Spitting the last word in hopes that they will leave, drop the matter
and never mention it again. Silence continues from the other side of the door
for a few moments before he looks down at his softening dick. No longer worth
it, he drops his hands to sides and presses his forehead against the cold tiles
of the shower. He glances towards the blade that he brought in with him.
Sighing, he carefully picks it up, turns off the shower and places is along
with the others he had previously lined up.
Grumbling to himself, he wrapped a towel around his waist and unlocking the
door. Menacing glare in place, he nearly swung the door off its hinges to put a
face to the voice that had interrupted his time; expect there was no one there.
A heavy defeated sigh left him as he moved down the corridor towards the room
that he would be calling his for the next few days.
Slamming the door shut behind him, he dropped the towel and reached into his
bag for clean clothes. It was only when he was bent in half that he noticed
something in the corner of his eye. ‘Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!’ His inner voice
was screaming at him. Nausea overtook him when he realised, it wasn’t
something, but someone.
“Well, please don’t stop on my account,” a quiet but bored voice spoke from the
shadows, “it’s rather a nice view.”
Turning quickly, he pulled whatever was in his hands to cover his modesty.
“What the fuck do you want?” Zero yelled, blush crawling up his chest and onto
his pale cheeks. If only he was prepared, he would have shot this arsehole
between the eyes before he even knew what hit him. “G-get out of here! Creep!”
The crack in his voice betraying his embarrassment, Zero could see the walls
he’d built around himself slowly crumbling down.
Within a blink of his eye he was alone in the room. Door closed. Window open.
Breeze rustling the light curtains that hung behind him. That was when his
world crashed. He didn’t care about the vampires, he didn’t care about Toga,
the Headmaster or Yukki. The rest of the world bled into the darkness and he
forgot who he was.
 -----
When Zero awoke, his vision was blurry and his head pounded behind his eyes.
The last thing he remember was being in his room… the person, no vampire, had
left… and everything felt heavy. Lifting his head off his chest was a greater
task then originally though. All he could see was black dots on white bathroom
tiles. That was until he let his head drop back down to see scarlet staining
the floor and his legs. It was only at this moment that the stinging
registered. Not only that but a loud pounding on the bathroom door. Locked, of
course.
“Zero? Zero! Can you hear me?”
Yukki’s voice seemed urgent, stressed even, but he couldn’t bring himself to
care right now. As far as he was concerned, she had no right to be here, he was
only taking the punishments that he himself had caused. The only way to get
better, was to learn by your mistakes. The best reinforcement, is negative
reinforcement. He had to hurt, otherwise he would make the same mistakes again
and again.
More thudding was coming from the door, louder this time. More urgent than the
last.
“Zero, we will break this door down if we have to!”
We? Who the hell was we?
That’s when the door opened with a large bang and two people rushed into the
room. One expected, the other a surprise, but both wholly unwelcome. Yuuki
knelt by Zero’s side, staring at his legs, at what he’d done to himself, in
horror. The other person, no vampire, just stared at Zero, with bright green
eyes. Making eye contact with those sad green eyes, Zero couldn’t but feel
angry. Angry at them, angry at himself, and especially angry that he had been
caught.
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