Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/392297.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      Multi
  Fandom:
      Twilight_Series_-_Stephenie_Meyer
  Relationship:
      Edward_Cullen/Bella_Swan, Alice_Cullen/Bella_Swan, Alice_Cullen/Edward
      Cullen
  Additional Tags:
      Explicit_Sexual_Content, Lesbian_Character, Sibling_Incest, Explicit
      Language, Nudity
  Collections:
      Rewriting_the_Vampire_Canon
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-04-26 Words: 4210
****** Stop Bitching and Start Fucking ******
by Rosie
Summary
     The inexperienced self-proclaimed sex machine, Bella Swan, finally
     convinces her stone cold vamp to have sex with her. The only
     condition is- there has to be someone else in the room because Edward
     fears he will bite and kill Bella if things get too hot and heavy.
     The obvious addition- Alice Cullen. Incetuous much? Let the most
     awkward threesome of the century begin...
Notes
     Please do not hate me for destroying the innocence of Twilight. I
     swear I am not a pervert, or am I?
“Oh yeah! Yes! Keep going!” Alice screamed and howled as loud as her little
pixie voice could as Edward railed her hard from behind.
Why the hell am I fucking my sister right now. Well, I guess technically she
isn’t actually my sister. Not by blood at least. Well wait, did we ever bite
each other? I don’t even know. Oh god, this is wrong, but it feels so right.
“Girls, should we be doing this?” Edward asked in between the girls’ yelps and
howls.
“Edward shut up! Just do it. Do you know how long I have waited for this? Fuck
me now! Aliceeeee it’s my turn, don’t be a hog! I picked you for the threesome
because I thought you would share!” Bella was beginning to regret her choice in
threesome partner.
Bella was finally getting her chance to make love to her stone cold, marble,
pale ass man (well vampire). Nothing was going to get in the way of the
passionate moment between the two of them. Well, Alice was partaking in the
action, but is there really any competition? Girls who can see into the future
are just fucking annoying, honestly.
“Ahhh! Edward, yes! Oh my god!” Bella was yelling as Edward rocked her back and
forth holding onto her incredibly flat chest, and awkward body.
Wow! I never noticed how small and completely flat her seemingly beautiful and
perfect breasts are…
“Edward why isn’t it staying in?” Bella asked him as he had to keep putting
himself back inside of her.
“It’s alright love, you are just doing everything wrong, but you are so
perfect. Do not worry about a thing. Your obnoxious clumsiness never turns me
off love” Edward replied chuckling.
Why does it keep slipping out! Am I doing this wrong? Why are my knees at my
head? Maybe if I roll over…
With Bella’s graceful move the two crashed to the floor with Alice giggling
above them on the bed looking down as though she could not believe how
incredibly awful Bella was performing.
Naturally it slipped out again as the couple flopped to the ground, which would
ruin the mood for any couple after it happened six hundred times, but not for
these two. All three congregated on the bed once again, and Alice realized she
had been left out of the fun for quite sometime.
Bella isn’t sharing. Well, actually I don’t know who I want to play with more,
Bella or Edward... well I already played with Bella for a little while. Either
way I’m not getting any!
Bella remembered that guys get turned on by girls kissing, she had seen it on
this random episode of Girls Gone Wild: Miami Edition a couple summers ago. She
hated the show, and that’s why she started reading so much. Reading made her
look smarter to those who didn’t give a damn in the first place if she read or
not. The show really tainted her innocence. However, it came in handy as she
grabbed Alice’s face and kissed her red glossy lips. They tasted like
strawberry. Edward didn’t seem to be phased by it, and Bella took notice.
What the fuck? All guys are supposed to get turned on by this! Oh fuck, he
isn’t a “guy”, he’s a vampire…duhhhhhh.
Alice and Bella continued their make-out session, and Alice motioned for Edward
to get in on the action. He moved closer and let them continue kissing while he
kept busy by pleasuring his two sexy girls, well one was far sexier then the
other. Alice was curvy and was gifted in both the breast and ass area. However,
Bella was as skinny as a pre-pubescent boy, and had a flatter chest than them
too. Wow, what a lucky guy! Every guy’s fantasy- dating and sleeping with a
girl who looks like a teenage boy…
Edward slipped into Alice again and became so driven with incestuous passion
that he bit her! Bella glared with a hideously jealous face and could not
believe her eyes. Edward did it. He bit her. Bella wanted to be bitten more
than anything and he wouldn’t do it to her, but he could do it to Alice! Her
rage grew. She had a similar experience when she was three years old and
Charlie wouldn’t buy her an expensive butterfly catching net. Fourteen years
later she was handling her emotions in the same way…
“Are you fucking kidding me!” Bella screamed.
“Bella, I told you if we were doing this biting was out of the question!”
Edward tried to keep her calm as he spoke.
“Bella, Edward can’t hurt me because I’m already a vampire. Things can be way
rougher with us. Besides I like it rough and dirty.” Alice the slut replied
while grabbing Edward’s thighs from behind.
What the fuck is going on! Why does she not think this weird? Am I supposed to
be rough and dirty with my sister? Stop saying sister! That’s it- because
technically she isn’t. We have only gone by that label for like sixty years, so
no. No, we are not brother and sister. Give it to her hard…
Bella, hitting the soft bed with her knuckles, turned into something that
Edward thought looked worse than any thirsty vampire he had seen in his day.
Edward asked her to calm down, and he gently touched her chapped lips and gave
her a peck. His blank stare seemed to calm her down, enough so he could
politely ask her if he could slip it in again. He is just always so mannerly
and old-fashioned, asking a girl before he shoves his dick in her. Wow, what a
keeper.
Bella could not believe her dreams were coming true. Except for in her dreams
the whole scene was a lot hotter, and she didn’t suck at literally every aspect
of having sex. Nor was Alice involved, but at least it was happening.
“Edward this is so amazingly bad, but so perfect at the same time. Keep going!”
Bella exclaimed.
What the hell did I get myself into? Why is Alice way better at this than
Bella? Shit! Don’t think that…fuck this is weird.
“Ahhhh…yes! Don’t stoppppp,uhhhhh” the moans continued long into the night…
//
“Edward are you fucking kidding me? Why is this argument always the same? Am I
ugly? I don’t get it.” Bella fired a glance of fury at Edward.
“My beautiful love, no you aren’t ugly. Incredibly awkward would maybe be the
better term, but ugly is definitely not it.” Edward said this with the best of
intentions.
Really Edward, well fuck you. Beautiful and awkward are juxtapositions, and I
learned about it in Wuthering Heights through extensive critical analysis in my
completely irrelevant boring classroom in building number seven, so don’t try
to be all suave with me.
Bella became more furious every time they had the conversation. Her blood would
boil, making her pale white face turn to a tomato red, which probably got
Edward’s wheels turning. Nonetheless Edward couldn’t. He couldn’t have sex with
her because he knew he would go too far. He wanted to bite the shit out of her,
but he knew morally it was just so wrong. Vampires are very concerned with
morality.
“Well take me home.” Bella said with a bitchy attitude.
“Why do you need to go home? Why cant we just be with each other without this
obsessive sex ordeal?” Edward replied back just as bitchy.
“Seriously, I want to go now.” She was no longer asking, but demanding.
Edward scooped her up because when she was angry Bella was completely incapable
of walking her weak and helpless ass down to Edward’s Volvo. He plopped her in
the front seat and shut the door with a little force just to enhance the
annoyingness of their petty argument.
They drove in silence past the dark green pine trees that were incredibly tall.
The road was glossy from the rainstorm that had passed. There were no other
cars on the road. Or maybe the super sonic speed of Edward’s car made it appear
that way. They pulled up to the Swan home in all its glory. It was about as
middle class America as they come.
“Good night Bella, I love you now and forever. Forever meaning until you die of
course.” Edward said to Bella as she unbuckled her seatbelt and stepped out of
the car.
“Whatever.” Bella fired back, clearly pissed off.
//
Bella ran upstairs to her bedroom, of which was trapped in a time warp. The
walls were a childish violet with Christmas tree lights wrapped around the
border of the ceiling. She shut the door softly and lifted up the floorboard
that held a small box. The small box had some basic sex toys, two or three
vibrators, some lube, and a lingerie set that she was saving until a special
night with Edward.
She took her favorite vibrator out of the box and laid on her little bed. She
slipped her pants and undies off, and put her vibrator to work. She closed her
eyes and tried to imagine it was Edward.
Wait… do real penises vibrate? What if he has a small one… can a vampire have a
small dick? Are his balls like marble like the rest of his body?
“Fuck! My batteries would die right now! Fuck!” Bella pulled the vibrator out
and slammed it on the bed.
Edward watched his masturbating girlfriend from afar in the tree outside her
window, as he watched her every night.
Is that thing bigger than me? Nooooo…that’s not possible. Oh shit, her
batteries died. Fun is over I guess.
Bella disappeared to get batteries from the broken cabinet in the kitchen.
Edward decided to gracefully jump through the open window during Bella’s
absence. He got caught up in the double paneled white curtains and fell flat on
his back against the cherry oak hardwood floors.
When Bella entered the room, clearly annoyed that there were no batteries, she
met her statuesque hunk of love who was draped across her miniature size bed.
“What are you doing here?” Bella asked.
“Well tonight is no different then any other night. I was standing outside your
window staring at you, and thought you might need a replacement for that
vibrator.” Edward said teasingly.
I honestly want to fucking punch you, but that would hurt my hand. He is so
hard, but somehow his hardness is so comfortable. No! I want to punch him…
don’t play nice he wouldn’t stick his fingers up there if you paid him!
“Really Edward? Well that is a big change of heart. Normally you wouldn’t so
much as acknowledge my vagina. Actually, I always wonder if you even have a
dick.” Bella grew furious and horny instantaneously.
“Bella please don’t use the word ‘dick’. Honestly, who do you think I am? Yes,
I have a penis, not a dick” Edward spoke calmly about his masculinity.
And if you care to know my “dick” is decently mediocre too. I measured last
night with a ruler…a whole five inches! Why was that the only thing that didn’t
become perfect when I transformed? Why can’t I have a huge dong to rough the
ladies up with…
Bella couldn’t take it anymore. Every ounce of sexual tension rose to her
lungs, and with a deep inhale she started crying. Not a normal cry, a balling
session of just fucking straight liters pouring out of her eyes for
approximately one to two hours. It was as if she was dealing with the death of
her own soul. Oh wait- she wants that to happen… it was if she was dealing with
being in love with a vampire… damn it- that already happened…it was if she was
crying over the thought of not being human any longer. Fuck her! She wants that
to happen too. Bella was just fucking crying for a long ass time…
“Whyyyyyyyyy uh whhyyyyyyyyyyyy uh uh won’t you put-it-innnnnnn-me and thennnn
uhhhh wahhhhhhh make-me-a –vampireeeeeeeee ah uh uh?” Bella wailed as the tears
streamed down her deformed scrunched up crying face.
“Bella I cannot do it. I will kill you. I will need someone else there to
control me, to make me stop if things go too far, and honestly that is awkward.
That is incredibly hot but awkward.” Edward replied as he wiped the rivers from
her eyes.
Wow. If this isn’t the saddest human sight I have seen in over hundred years I
don’t know what is. Why is she howling like the fucking dog whisperer? Oh my
god! Humans can reach that high of a pitch?
“Bella you are okkkkk. Please calm down so we can talk like civilized vampires
and humans here. Not to mention you will wake Charlie up.” Edward could not
deal with the annoyingness that surrounded him any longer.
A few minutes of huffing and puffing and blowing her snot into Edward’s
masculine baby blue button up shirt with pink vertical stripes, Bella finally
calmed down.
“Well you said that if you had someone else to bite if it got too hot and heavy
we could do it…right?” Bella said as seductively as she could while wiping the
clear stream of snot from her upper lip.
“I mean, I did say that, but I don’t know Bella that could be really awkward.”
Edward replied nervously.
I don’t want anyone else to see my mediocre penis… everyone expects it to be so
large and in charge, but at a mere five inches I can’t really do anything
special. Well she can’t fucking judge me because she is a hot mess all the
time, but what if someone sexy is joining us? I’m not accustomed to that since
I have been with Bella. Oh god…do those penis growing supplements work on
vampires?
“What if I find someone?” Bella was determined to get a yes from him.
“I guess so Bella, we can try it. Only because I love you so much.” Edward said
softly.
Not!!! Actually it’s because I haven’t had my penis sucked in about … oh- 75
years.
“And remember Edward, I want to be bitten. I want to be one of you. I don’t
care about being a human or my soul. I want to be with you forever.” She
reminded him once again of her wish for immortality.
Well honestly it is because I know I can’t find someone else, butttttt that is
beside the point…
“Yes Bella, I know. You have told me one hundred times, but you have to
understand where I’m coming from. Let me put it in easier terms so you can
understand…in human terms you are like a giant brownie with ice cream and all
that other shit you people like. Once you start eating the brownie you can’t
stop. As many times as you tell yourself you are only going to have one bite,
you eat the whole thing. If I bite you and have a taste of your blood, I will
drain you Bella. There will be no immortality, it will be human death.” Edward
was clearly frustrated with his dense girlfriend.
Was that dumbed down far enough for you genius?
“Clearly we are never going to agree on this subject Edward.” Bella replied
growing more and more annoyed.
“I guess not.” Edward replied quickly.
He exited out the window that he had so gracefully joined her through. He fell
two stories down and landed in a giant pile of dog shit that Charlie had been
meaning to clean after he figured the neighbors dog had gotten loose again (or
maybe it was Jacob leaving a nice gift for his best friend ever). Edward took
off, sprinting down the long, wet, slippery, and dark highway leading to his
house.
//
Bella accepted Edward’s invitation to dinner with the Cullen family after they
had not spoken in a few days. She figured she better not continue to ignore the
one guy who could grant her immortality.
Dinner was the same as always, it included a glass dinning room table with
twelve ornate tables. The table was filled with delicious foods. Tonight they
were serving pasta, meatballs, garlic bread, and some sparkling lemonade. The
Cullen family did not eat, but rather sat and stared at Bella as she devoured
her food. It used to be awkward for her at first, but by now she was used to
it. Sometimes they talked, but most times the table was silent and
uncomfortable. It was the awkward moment when you have to meet the family
replayed over and over again.
After dinner, well after Bella finished eating, the family went back to what
they were doing before she came over. Alice and Jasper were heading up the
grand staircase to their room to most likely partake in a night of hot sex.
Bella was always jealous of the moaning and yelling coming from the room next
to Edward’s.
Bella called after Alice as she walked upstairs “Alice can I borrow some
clothes for school tomorrow!”
This was a lame excuse to get her alone, but she did not really know how to
speak to her in private.
“Of course Bella! Come up to my walk-in closet containing 300 shirts, 100 pairs
of jeans, skirts, and shorts, as well as over 200 pairs of shoes created by
various designers!” Alice exclaimed almost sprinting up the stairs.
So far this is much easier than I expected. Now for the hard part…
Bella followed carefully behind Alice who seemed to float up the stairs. Bella
had taken quite the stumble on the stairs early that month and the bruises were
still healing from her fucking attempt to seemingly crawl down the stairs in a
one-inch heel that Alice let her borrow. Being one inch taller really threw off
her equilibrium, and she went down hard. Therefore, Bella took a good five
minutes to reach the top of the stairs and get to Alice’s room.
Alice’s room was as obnoxious as any human could ever imagine. It was almost a
neon pink color. It had flowers and butterflies painted all over the place.
There were awkward giant gemstones glued to the walls, and the closet- well the
closet was about three times the size of Bella’s room. Overall, it looked like
a tacky, stuck-up, princess bitch walked into the room and vomited all over the
place.
When Bella entered she quietly shut the door behind her. Alice looked as though
she knew what was about to come out of Bella’s mouth. Well, she does read minds
and shit, nothing is really private with Alice around. Which by all standards
pissed a lot of people off.
“Alice I need your help with something because I know you are the only person
who might not judge me.” Bella couldn’t believe she was doing this. “Edward
said he wouldn’t have sex with me unless someone was with us that he could bite
and not kill…well um being you are already a vampire and all…could you come and
have sex with us, maybe? I know this is so…”
“Bella I am so honored! Of course I will have sex with you two! Oh my god… I
love threesomes Bella. There are so many fun positions… and oh! Can we wear
lingerie? That would be so hot…matching lingerie!” Alice was clearly
experienced in the art of threesomes.
“Well I have never had sex before, so maybe the lingerie and stuff will be too
much for the first time.” Bella was shitting her pants.
What the fuck is lingerie?
“Oh my god! Can we practice right now before we go get Edward? Just take off
your pants and we can have a little fun- pleaseeeeeeeeeee…” Alice was very
excited to take part in what would be the most awkward sexually encounter of
the century.
Alice pounced on Bella and knocked her onto the pink bed covered in fun-fur and
giant pillows. “Now lets just take these off and I’m going to give you a little
sexual experience before the big show so you won’t be completely new at this.”
Alice was eager to rock Bella’s world.
She slid her fingers into Bella and slipped them in and out for quite sometime.
Bella simply laid there awkwardly with her eyes closed, and made some awkward
yelping noises. Alice knew the rest of the night would be a sight for sore
eyes.
“Bella you have to be more excited when Edward puts his dick in you! Does this
even feel good to you?” Alice was worried that this was going to be worse than
she imagined.
“It feels good, but you are way more experienced than me. Is that going to turn
him off?” Bella was getting more nervous with every second that passed.
“No! It will be ok, and remember if you suck I can just pick up the slack!”
Alice always looked at the glass as half full.
“Well if I suck maybe he won’t get into it as much, and then there will be no
need to bite you. Because honestly if he bites you I might through a tantrum. I
want to be one of you so bad.” Bella replied in a pouting voice.
“We will see Bella. Let’s go get Edward” Alice knew she could get her brother
going.
//
Edward’s room was the complete opposite of Alice’s. The color scheme was dark.
If you didn’t know Edward you would think an emo kid inhabited the place, black
was the color of his soul, cutting himself was his ultimate release of the pain
that numbed him in the world, and all that deep shit.
Bella opened the door and tripped over the ridge where the carpet and hardwood
floor met. Edward flew across the room and caught his helpless girlfriend
before she smacked her face against the ground.
Candles were glowing and the lights were dimmed. The stars and the moon glowed
through the pine trees outside his wrap around windows.
“Edward can you come to Alice’s room with me for a second. I need your opinion
on outfit choices.” Bella tried not to open her mouth too wide in fear of
projectile vomiting everywhere.
“Of course darling.” Edward had no idea what was about to happen.
When the two walked into the room, Alice was sprawled across the bed ass naked.
Her body was the complete opposite of Bella’s. She was gifted in the breast
area, had a nice round ass, and a toned look to her.
As the two had planned, Bella began to slip her clothes off while standing next
to Edward. Her flat chest, skeletal build, and nonexistent ass were the secret
weapon to getting Edward’s dick hard and ready for action. Not… Alice had to
carry the show.
“Edward, this may seem weird, but I need to have sex with you, and I know you
won’t make me a vampire because you don’t want to ruin my soul and all that
bullshit, but Alice is already one of you and you can’t hurt her… and um it
seemed like the right idea at the time…but umm I don’t really know now…” Bella
was beginning to regret her brilliant idea.
“Really my sister? You couldn’t think of anyone else?” Edward was really
confused by the whole scene he had just entered.
“Well technically we aren’t really brother and sister, that is just our cover
to the outside world. I mean Jasper and I always fuck, and I mean I don’t see
this as all that different.” Alice was trying so hard to make this happen for
Bella, and she wanted to get it in too.
“Please Edward, I’m begging you.” Bella pleaded.
Maybe if you put your clothes back on it will be easier to say yes. Why is
Alice so hot? Have I never noticed how smoking her body is? This could be
really good…but, she is my sister… fuck- I hate awkward moments…
“Fine, but Bella I am absolutely not biting you under any circumstances. Do you
understand?” Edward was firm.
“Yes, I won’t be happy unless you do, but whatever.” Bella did not think he
would bite Alice in front of her anyway. He knew how jealous that would make
her.
“As long as we are all on the same page- I guess let’s get this banger
started.” Edward began to take his clothes off.
//
Edward went straight to the radiating sexiness of Alice’s body. He began
touching her all over, and then Bella sat and watched as his rock hard,
mediocre penis disappeared inside her. Alice instantly began to bounce up and
down on top of him and swing her arm around like a wild cowgirl riding the bull
for the first time at some sleazy bar where everyone wears daisy dukes and
boots.
They switched positions gracefully like they had fucked each other a thousand
times before.
“Oh yeah! Yes! Keep going!” Alice screamed and howled as loud as her little
pixie voice could as Edward railed her hard from behind.
And with that the most awkward threesome of the century began…
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