Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/ works/1868343. Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage Category: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi Fandom: Dragon_Ball, Sailor_Moon_-_All_Media_Types, Chrono_Trigger, Chrono_Cross, InuYasha_-_A_Feudal_Fairy_Tale, 天地無用!_|_Tenchi_Muyo!, Breath_of_Fire_III, Breath_of_Fire_IV, Final_Fantasy_VII, Final_Fantasy_XII, Dissidia:_Final Fantasy, Dragon_Age_-_All_Media_Types, Dragon_Age:_Origins, Dragon_Age: Origins_-_Awakening, Dragon_Age_II Character: Original_Characters, Too_Many_Characters_To_Mention, David_Bowie Additional Tags: Characters_Reading_Fanfiction, Recurring_Characters, Crack_Crossover, Drug_Use, Bad_Puns, Parody, Dark_Crack, Dark_Comedy Stats: Published: 2014-06-29 Updated: 2015-05-18 Chapters: 12/? Words: 31405 ****** Stoners! ****** by Kissy Summary Here, for your edification, is our attempt at writing crackfic. This is, quite possibly, the strangest, sickest, weirdest, pervy-est crack-fic you will ever read. Each episode (read: chapter) will center around one fandom or general silly/sick/perverted idea. The chapter titles will be a dead giveaway as to which fandom it's parodying. Come for your fandom, stay for all the rest! (But seriously, start with Chapter 1. You'll be glad you did!) Notes The first episode of Stoners! involves the Dragon Ball Z universe (such as it is). Erm...let’s just say this is a Dragon Ball Z/Sailor Moon crossover, at least for now. Just to be on the safe side: neither Kissy nor Orpheus condones using drugs of any kind. This is dark comedy. We certainly don’t expect our readers to follow suit and use (nor do we think our readers are stupid) just because some made up characters in our crackfics use. Also, we do not own ANY of the characters and/or fandoms in these 'episodes'. Figured we'd get that out of the way too. ***** Dragon Bong Z ***** Our tale begins, as Gokou flies home…from the toy store. Gokou sang, “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a Toys ‘R Us kid…there’s a million toys at…hey, who’s that? He looks familiar…” As he neared the familiar face, he realized it was Krillin, carrying a bucket of head polish. Squeaky, shiny Krillin said, “Hey Gokou, have you seen my nose? I can’t find it anywhere…” He then took a chamois cloth to his skull, and scrubbed. When he removed the cloth, the noonday sun shone upon Krillin’s bald pate, momentarily blinding Gokou. When he returned to his senses, Gokou looked upon his friend’s brow. “Oh goodie! The Six Star Dragonball! Gimme!” He grabbed his friend’s head by the ears, and yanked Krillin’s head clear off his shoulders! Ouch! Then something exploded. Meanwhile, back at the Briefs residence, Vegeta tried to decide what protein shake to have for his next meal. Bulma was in the bathroom, horfing up her alien-made ‘protein shake’, and Trunks…well, all Vegeta knew was that Trunks was over at Goten’s house. But hey, look! What’s going on over there? Kami looked away from Oprah for a few moments to check if Chikkyu had been invaded yet again, then turned back to the tube. “I—I love you, Dr. Phil…” said Kami. He loves television. Mr. Satan tried to break a pile of bricks. Meanwhile… Gokou, dazzled by the flames of the explosion we didn’t get to see, ate Krillin’s head, and then went to go see what was up. He found a very disgruntled wad of bubble gum. “What’s the matter, Buu?” Buu pouted. “I want candy. Choco, gummies, tacos, ice cream, Bulma, fudge, taffy…” “Hey, me too!” said Gokou. So they strolled to the candy store arm in arm, singing Pop Goes the Weasel. Yamucha, for no reason whatsoever, poked Tien in the eye. And before you ask, it was the extra one. Anyway, Tien proceeded to hit Yamucha with Chaozu. Yamucha said, “Ow.” He picked up Puuaru and slammed her into Tien’s crotch. For a change of pace, Chi-Chi found her vibrator, and that made her happy. Lucky her. Back to the action. Tien doubled over, and said, “Ow, you got me in the balls and the other-other eye.” Yamucha said, “You have another eye…down there?” Launch walked by, and nodded. She walked on by, and left this fic. Why was she in it in the first place, you ask? It was for no other reason, except for the sake of the eye-in-the-crotch gag. Shaddup. Anyway, Gokou and Buu walked into the candy store and saw so many yummy, delectable, edible things. Bulma stood at the counter, and Chi-Chi waved this funny, humming thing around, and Launch suddenly Apparated into the store. Oh, and there was lots of candy in the store, too. Why did Launch Apparate, anyway? Because she ran out of Floo Powder? Chi-Chi’s sending Goten to Hogwarts next year. Okay…maybe not. Piccolo walked into the store. Piccolo yanked a leash, and a bowlegged Gohan walked in behind Piccolo. He had no pants on, and an embarrassed smile on his face. Korin found his vibrator, and Yajirobe got really, really scared. Vegeta felt rather neglected, as he’s not really in this fic yet. Ahh, never mind. He is now. Anyway, he decided he wanted to kill something with his bare hands, so he went down to his father-in-law’s mini preserve on the four thousandth floor of their dome palace. Okay, I’m laying it on thick. He went outside, and broke a squirrel’s neck. Krillin’s headless corpse suddenly landed on Vegeta. Vegeta ate it in a Saiya- jin rage. “Tastes like Buddha!” he exclaimed. Vegeta also ate the squirrel, which he did admit was too gamy for his taste. He decided he wanted something sweet to eat, so he went in search of Bulma. Goten found his vibrator, and Trunks was very happy. But they decided that wasn’t enough for their ‘sleepover’. They wanted something sweet to munch on, too. So on to the candy store they went, with no pants on, and embarrassed smiles on their faces. Videl decided that she’s had enough with Gohan’s homosexual philandering. Videl decided that although he was the most powerful man in the universe (and had a pecker to match a donkey’s) she went to the candy store to pick up a man. Wait… Does Piccolo actually have sex organs? Personally, I think that if he can regenerate his arm, surely he can generate other body parts elsewhere. Ouch, arm dick! Poor Gohan! But anyway, back to Gohan’s crotch-rocket…yeah, Videl loved the fact that when Gohan pitched a tent, she could sleep in his pants. Pondering his mammoth girth, she walked into a tree and died. It was a gruesome death, too. She impaled herself on a jutting tree branch, and a small, sharp knot wedged itself deep in her eye. She screamed in agony, and Bee howled somewhere, sadly. Before she died, the last thing she saw was Krillin’s nose, and Juuhachi-gou’s personality. Badum-boom-zing! Speaking of Juuhachi-gou, she’s not in this story yet. Hmmm… Well, whatever. She is now. Juuhachi sat in her living room watching Oprah. She pondered how it was possible to give birth to a baby, when she was an android, and the real reason why Krillin got rid of her bomb…so she wouldn’t accidentally explode when he fucked her! Then Oprah suddenly cut to commercial, and Juuhachi was sad. How we know this is anyone’s guess. As Oprah went to commercial, Juuhachi decided that she wanted something to put in her head-hole, masticate some, and then swallow into her energy tank. It had to have a high sucrose level, and make her taste sensors blip. In other words, folks, she was fiending for some candy, and decided to go to the candy store. What a surprise plot twist…who knew? Baba decided that her crystal jawbreaker was getting kinda stale. She also headed to the candy store, to get the biggest jawbreaker they carried. Unfortunately, Edd, Ed, & Eddy got the last of the jawbreakers…those little shit-kicking bastards. How the hell did they find their way in here? “I’ll get you my pretties, and your little dog too!” Baba cackled, as she flew smack-dab into a tornado! Haven’t seen her since, but we might soon! Ooh, foreshadowing! Anyhoo, Vegeta found his way to the candy store. He flew over the town and surrounding villages to get there, against his wife’s wishes. He drew enemy fire from six or seven different locations, and a duck hunter actually clipped him in the ass. He went spiraling down to town, holding his ass, going “EEEOOOOOOWWWEEEEOOOWWWWWWW!” and scaring small children and actually giving an old person a myocardial infarction. He landed just in front of the candy store, headfirst! What luck! Vegeta tried to right himself, but that one really frickin’ pointy lock of hair was embedded in the concrete. He finally lifted his head (and some sidewalk) and groped his now-tender bottom as he limped into the store. Okay, so then Vegeta found Bulma at the counter, buying about forty pounds of Mallomars. Mallomars…Vegeta’s favorite. He ran (well, limped—his ass still hurt from the buckshot) to Bulma, and said: “Onna! You bought me my favorite treat! I must do the ritual mating dance with you!” With that, he lifted his chin and pointed to it. “You first,” he said. Bulma shrugged, and knocked three of Vegeta’s teeth out with her mammoth wallet. Then our trouserless teen couple sauntered in. “Why don’t you have any pants on?” Vegeta interrogated. “We were…uh, training…and we got hot.” Trunks countered. “Yea, really, really hot.” Goten added. Vegeta shrugged, and a shower of concrete fell from his hair. “Whatever, you morons. I want to go home and eat Mallomars. Bulma, you coming?” She looked at him and shook her head. “Nope. I have…other things to do. I’ll see you in a few days.” Vegeta nodded, and then dove hair-first into his mound of Mallomars. Trunks groped Goten through his Underoos, Gokou poked some candy with a stick, and Chi-Chi killed herself. She stuck the vibrator too far into her ear. I’m not exactly sure if that’s the proper way to use it, but she and Gokou managed to have two babies by the ear method. Anyway, Vegeta suffocated himself on the creamy, gooey, yummy marshmallow filling of his Mallomars. Mmm…Mallomars. Mmm…mmmph! Mmmph! Hlp! Cn’t breeeeeef! Then the counter-lady laughed, and held up a sign stating: Warning: Mallomars may cause death, particularly by asphyxiation. Who’da thunk it? Meanwhile, Gokou snorted a pixie stick, and Trunks and Goten played with…da fudge. Juuhachi finally made her way to the candy store. It was a good thing too. Her GPS was off kilter this week, and she wasn’t due for a tune-up for another three hours. She goes to a local mechanic’s garage to get her tune-ups done, by a guy named Julio. He has a giant…erm, dipstick. He changes her oil every day…sometimes twice. Then Shenlong was bored, and decided he wanted some candy. Unfortunately, he couldn’t be summoned, as one of the collected dragonballs was a severed head. Hold it, you may be asking yourself. Didn’t Gokou eat Krillin’s severed head? You would be correct, but Gokou managed to eat the other Dragonballs, too. Porunga found his vibrator and everybody—the writers included—got really confused. Those Dragonballs must give Gokou a bellyache. But anyway, out of nowhere, Perfect Cell strode into the candy store. He noticed Vegeta’s stiffening corpse buried headfirst in a giant mound of Mallomars. Cell said, “Vegeta roast, smothered in Mallomars sauce. Yum!” and ate Vegeta. Bulma turned to Cell, and said, “Thanks. But… aren’t you dead?” Cell nodded, and said, “My writer is currently tanked, so the Dragon Ball timeline has no meaning in this fic.” Then Bee ate Cell, but that wasn’t before Freeza showed up! The temperature dropped rapidly when he entered the room. Not because he frightened the cheese out of anyone, but because he was a freezer. Keep up, people. “Blargh!” said Freeza. “I thought this was the ice-cream shop. Freeza is sad now.” “Why are you referring to yourself in third person?” Gokou asked. “And why do you talk like a sissy girl?” Freeza, crushed by the cruel words of the one man he loved, ran away…and yes, he did it like a sissy girl. Bee started to regurge Cell, as he tasted like Brussels Sprouts. “Hurk-hurk- hurk—horf!” said Bee, and he threw up a large, slimy object. It was Bura. Imagine that. I always wondered how she was born. “Me too!” said Vegeta from inside Cell’s stomach, which in turn was in Bee’s stomach. It was kinda hard to hear him. Then Skeletor finally defeated He-man. With a vibrator. Yeah, this gag will never stop, people. We promise you this. Bulma tricked herself out to Freeza and half of his minions for free, as she’s the richest woman in the known universe…and as horny as a toad, evidently. Juuhachi ripped off her clothes and ran out of the shop and down the street, screaming, “My insides are made of Cheese Whiz! I have a frozen Twinkie stuck up my ass!” Yamucha and Tien ran away to Reno and got married. They are living happily in a rented Doublewide in Montana. Tien and Yamucha adopted Chaozu as their son, though he’s actually as old as they are. Gokou, in a pixie stick tweak-a-thon, ran into a parked car and then fell asleep. Then something else exploded! It was Buu! He finally ate too much, after many years of pigging out worse than a stoner. The whole store was covered in sticky pink goo, with gummy bears and non-pareils stuck in it. Launch walked back into the fic, and started to eat the sticky pink goo, while the sticky pink goo screamed in horror and agony. Then Bee ran outside and was hit by a car. Gokou awoke to the sound of a yelp, and then a Tarot card-reading rabbit told him the future. Piccolo impaled Gohan on his enormous growth. Goten kept referring to Trunks as ‘daddy,’ and Juuhachi ran into Videl…and the tree she was impaled on. Juuhachi uttered, “Hey look! My personality!” Badum-boom-zing! Then Juuhachi croaked. Mamoru and Usagi decided to walk into the candy store at this point. Yes. Two Sailor Moon characters decided to walk in on a Dragon Ball Z fanfic. I don’t know why, either. Launch took that moment to sneeze violently, turning into her psychotic, mass-murdering alter ego. She looked at Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon, and said, “You aren’t in this anime…DIE!” She then took out an Uzi sub- automatic machine gun and cut them in half. So much for the Sailor Moon crossover. Gokou and the rabbit blinked at this, and then the rabbit ate Gokou. This was unfortunate for the rabbit, which had earlier that day eaten the last Dragonball. Shenlong summoned himself from the gathered heads/Dragonballs, and decided he wanted some frickin’ candy. The Tarot card-reading rabbit went splort! Dressed in a brand new rabbit skin bikini, Shenlong slithered in. “Do you have any Saiya-jin flavored taffy?” he asked the proprietor. The proprietor nodded her head towards Gohan, who was still impaled on Piccolo’s arm-dick. “Oh, wow! Saiya-jin taffy, with Namekian cream filling! Yum!” Shenlong then ate Piccolo and Gohan. The two star-crossed lovers will now spend eternity digesting in Shenlong’s many stomachs…or would have, if Baba hadn’t flown out of nowhere and crashed into Shenlong’s head, fatally bludgeoning him. Then the proprietor took her mask off. It was Kame-Sennin! Wow! He took a monstrous vibrator out of his turtle shell, and everyone still alive ran screaming. Zarbon became a Calvin Klein model, and ended up shacking with Freeza. D’aww! But then they died. Choked on Popsicle sticks. The both of them. Weird… And then Chikkyu blew up. -=-=-=-=-=- Kagome got up, and turned the television off. “Wow, that was the most fucked up show I’ve ever seen. That’s the last time we watch anime at three in the morning. What did you think, Inuyasha?” The half-baked hanyou removed the bowl from his lips, and said, “Huh?” Kagome replied, “I think I love you.” ***** Juraiian Bathhouse Orgy! Really! ***** Chapter Summary This episode is all about Tenchi Muyo. What it's not is safe for work, so use common sense when reading. Enjoy! Chapter Notes Hiya, everyone! Our next leap into the abyss will be our take on the faaaaaaaaaabulous anime Tenchi Muyo. We cut our teeth on this particular anime in the very early nineties. Mecha anime whet our appetite for anime, and Tenchi Muyo fed that need big time. So, without further ado, we begin this dive into our damaged psyches. We’ll set the scene for the insanity about to ensue. At the Misaki residence, Ayeka, Ryoko, and that blond bitch Mihoshi sat around the kitchen table losing a game of strip poker to Sasami. Tenchi looked at the latest Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. Grandpa Yousho was asleep in the bathtub with a bottle of tequila…and Kiyone, even though she’s from Tenchi Universe. It matters not. She’s there because we say she’s there. We have definite plans for her. Washuu experimented on Ryo-Oh-Ki. Ryo-Oh-Ki was really pissed off, as she was offered a hundred carrots to be Washuu’s guinea cabbit, but instead got a thermometer the size of a man’s forearm stuck up her ass. And no lubricant, either. “Wow, three feet of thermometer and no internal bleeding. I love playing this game!” Washuu said, foaming at the mouth. Anyway, Ryoko sat in nothing but a pair of socks and an embarrassed smile. She said, “Is anyone else cold? I think I need something to warm me up.” Everyone looked towards Ryoko’s chest. Her nipples had pointed into foot-long daggers. Like literally, they were made of metal and stuff. Ayeka, clad only in bubble wrap, pointed and laughed for no apparent reason…at Sasami. Not at the stiletto boobies. We don't know why either. Sasami turned to Ayeka and said, “Yo. What the fuck you lookin’ at, Ho? Ayeka said, after picking her jaw off the floor, “I’m going to go score me some crack. Anyone want me to pick anything up while I’m out?” Ryoko said, “Yeah. Can you get me some heroin? Also some Twinkies. I need my Twinkies!” And then Ayeka said “Yer so purty,” to Sasami, and started to make out with her – for no freaking reason. Tenchi glanced upon this, and said, “Ewwww…girls have cooties! And aren’t you two sisters?” He then ran upstairs to listen to Barbra Streisand CD’s and to rearrange his closet. Ayeka and Sasami didn’t mind the fact that they were sisters. They loved the fact that they were related…it turned them on. Ayeka turned to Ryoko. “You know, I think you’re sexy, too. I want to do you.” She went to Ryoko and attempted to suck on one boobie, but forgot the foot long frickin’ stilettos growing out of Ryoko’s tits. She impaled herself through her right eye. “Oh, my poor sister! I must do her mangled corpse!” said Sasami. She then put on a big strap-on. Wait for it. This strap-on was five feet long, pink and purple, glittery, and it hummed ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’. This strap-on has been known by many names, but the one most recognized (in our own heads, anyway) was The Strap-On of Fayth. The strap-on that toppled the Tower of Babel strap-on. And when Sasami fucked Ayeka, she exploded. You are probably asking yourself, Wait, what? Who blew up, Ayeka or Sasami? Why did they blow up? Why the hell am I still reading this? Those are all very valid questions. Being that Sasami was the only living one in the pair, she’s the only one that actually died. Having said that, we managed to explode both Ayeka and Sasami with a glittery, purple and pink, five-foot long dildo that hummed the American National Anthem, so it doesn’t matter one whit which one we killed with it. They’re both in smoking chunks and gobbets anyway. Just remember kids: drugs are bad. Suddenly the first Kagato to appear in the series – forever after to be known as David Bowie Kagato – um, his ship landed on Noboyouki. David Bowie Kagato walked out…you know, since it was his ship and all. He surveyed the countryside. “Hmmm, this would make a wonderful place to build my big gay animal conservatory. It’s so big…and I like big things so…fucking…much.” Then the other Kagato – forever after to be known as Obviously Asian Kagato – landed. We’re not going to specify whether he had a ship or not. He ran to David Bowie Kagato, and said, “Even though we’re technically the same character, I love you, and I have a really big thing.” He then unzipped his fly. Out flopped…da donkey dick. David Bowie Kagato was incredibly turned on by said donkey dong, but he also had the extreme bad luck to have half a brain. He spread his hands. “Just because we have the same name, doesn’t mean we’re the same character...ahh, fuck it. Why am I arguing with you, anyway? Just suck my dick.” Soon after, David Bowie Kagato and Obviously Asian Kagato were doing the nasty in Tenchi’s back field, while Yousho went out to fetch the crack and heroin and Twinkies, as Ayeka was now dead. But wait…what’s happening in the laboratory of the Mad Genius, Washuu! Washuu, not noticing the bloody thermometer sticking out of Ryo-Oh-Ki’s mouth, found a penny on the floor. “Joy to me, a shiny penny!” she exclaimed, as she jigged in place. She ran upstairs to express her joy. As she got to the top of the stairs and opened the door, Ryoko flew past the door, running to get a jacket or a sweater or something out of the hall closet so she could warm up. The door slammed shut, knocking Washuu off the top riser. She plummeted down to the hard, hard floor. But it’s okay! She landed on Ryo- Oh-Ki…but what’s that? Oh no, the thermometer! Washuu managed to fall ass-first onto a three-foot long thermometer. It hurt, but she had bigger things up her ass before. What hurt was the thermometer breaking in her ass, letting gallons of mercury flow into her intestines, killing her slowly. And Ryo-Oh-Ki said, “Ow.” If only Washuu had read the warning label: May break and expel gallons of a known lethal substance, if used in anal foreplay, or if used to stir a giant iced tea. Wow. I can’t believe we used the same joke twice. It was in two different episodes, but still. Then Sasami got up. Before you bitch about it, listen up. According to contract, if one god is allowed to come back to life, they all can – Equal Opportunity Employment, and all. Since she was Tsunami, and therefore a goddess, Sasami was able to regain consciousness. She ran down to Washuu’s secret laboratory to strip Washuu of her immortality using the ancient ritual…said ritual involved Sasami peeing on Washuu’s head, chanting the lines to Surfin’ USA. One of the stoners…erm, writers…pulled out the Painfully Annoying Vibrator (also known as Deus Ex Machina), and dropped it near David Bowie Kagato and Obviously Asian Kagato, and they both were very happy. Tenchi, hearing exclamations of homo-erotic joy, ran outside naked. Then Ryo-Oh-Ki twitched. Sasami’s carefully executed ritual was tarnished…and then Sasami/Tsunami screamed in disbelief and rage and set North America on fire with her mind. Ow. Then North America ate Tsunami’s leg off. Yay. Continental carnage. Washuu, taking this chance to revive herself (Equal Opportunity, remember), tried to convince all of Europe to eat the rest of Sasami/Tsunami. Then, Ryo- Oh-Ki wiggled her way out from under Washuu, and bit Tsunami on her other leg. Little did Tsunami know that cabbit bites are virulently venomous. Tsunami’s leg rotted from the inside out and split open like a papaya. Then all of Europe ate Tsunami. Because a goddess convinced it to. Stick with us, folks...it gets better. Ryo-Oh-Ki took this time to find a four-foot long thermometer and rammed it up Washuu’s ass…which subsequently exploded, killing Washuu a second time! Hunger for vengeance sated, Ryo-Oh-Ki bowleggedly hobbled upstairs, when Mihoshi suddenly walked past the door and smished Ryo-Oh-Ki under her clumsy foot. “Splort!” said Ryo-Oh-Ki’s mangled corpse, as her guts flew out of her monstrous ears. Mihoshi, slipping on cabbit entrails, slid all the way to the bath house. Kiyone stared up from the water. Mihoshi’s clothes exploded off her body, and her cup size increased by two. Kiyone stood up from the water, revealing her full bosom and enormous penis. You read that right. Just go with it. Yousho took one look, and his head exploded. Kiyone looked at his headless corpse, and turned to Mihoshi. “I want you to lick my ass while I ream his exposed windpipe. You game?” Mihoshi shrugged and said, “Sure. Why not? Besides, Bingo was canceled tonight." She bent to her task and began salad-tossing Kiyone…but suddenly the door to the bath house slammed open, to reveal a sweaty, panting, Tenchi-David Bowie Kagato-Obviously Asian Kagato trio. If you are of a weak constitution, I suggest you skip the next paragraph. Arr, here there be Dragons. Tenchi ran in and saw his grandfather’s headless corpse. “Grandpa!” he cried. “I don’t know why, but without your head, you’re so damned sexy!” Tenchi then dove ass-first onto his grandfather’s humongous rigor-mortis induced erection. David Bowie Kagato suddenly noticed Kiyone’s big…thing, and Obviously Asian Kagato suddenly liked girls. Obviously Asian Kagato grabbed the nearest chick, and boinked the last remaining brain cell out of Mihoshi’s head. Then Mihoshi said, “Bluh,” and died. Thank God. Anyway, Ryoko decided that a nice warm bath would soothe her aching breasts, so she made her way down to the bathhouse. She heard the commotion from OVER 9000 miles away, and she ran into the bathhouse to see Tenchi playing cowboy with his curiously dead grandfather. Jealous beyond all reason, Ryoko used her tail to break Tenchi’s neck. And before you ask…yes. She has a tail. Just like a cat. That fact might possibly be the only canon thing present in this whole damned chapter. And we know it's supposed to be part of her costume. The god-damned thing moves. Before you bitch about it, remember she's a fucking demon, over five thousand years old, and can walk through walls. Shaddap. Anyway, David Bowie Kagato looked up from Kiyone’s lap, and saw Ryoko’s tail. “Ooh, it’s so…fucking…biiiig.” He ran over to Ryoko and yanked her tail off in a fervor, subsequently ripping out her spine. Pixy Misa…really has enough right to be in a Tenchi Muyo fic as Kiyone does, but that doesn’t stop her from poofing into existence. So yeah…she does her ‘poofing into existence’ thing – as magical girls tend to do – glanced upon Ryoko’s body, and impaled David Bowie Kagato’s heart on the cute little boomerang she carried around in a fit of rage. Pixy Misa then walked over to Ryoko’s body and gave her one last, lingering kiss goodbye. Her love avenged under the pale moonlight, she threw a flower upon her true love’s mangled corpse, and jumped through the conveniently placed portal back to her magickal world. Unfortunately, when she was halfway through, it closed…severing her body in twain. Her hands fell upon Ryoko’s breasts for one final grope. Her last sensation, before her soul disappeared into the void, was a sharp pain as her hands were impaled by Ryoko’s frickin’ stiletto titties. Okay! So then, Washuu managed to resurrect herself for a record third time, and staggered to the bathhouse. She’s staggering, because she has become an undead, flesh eating zombie! And she had athletes’ foot, too! Mwaaa! Perhaps we’re playing on Obviously Asian Kagato’s deadly allergy to athletes’ foot! Sure, why not? Whatever gets you through the night. She staggered into the bathhouse, and stuck her nasty, crusty foot right into Obviously Alive Kagato’s open mouth! And then his eyes exploded out of his head! Kiyone, grossed out, plunged her enormous willy into Washuu’s mouth. We know what you’re thinking. Um, hello? Flesh eating zombie, people! We know, and we’re getting to that. You seriously have no patience. On with the show. Anyway, Washuu instinctively bit down on the penis, severing it from the body. Kiyone merely smiled, as it was a prosthetic. Betcha all thought it was real…perverts! Kiyone jumped out of the bath, landed, and touched a button on her waterproof watch. And yes, we had to specify that it was waterproof. We don’t know why, either. The giant dong exploded, then turned into a black hole for a brief spell, and sucked Washuu into the void. Waaaaait, we know you’re thinking. Why was she carrying an anti-matter device in the shape of a penis so close to her cootchie? Because she thought it was kinky! Why else would she? We know what else you’re thinking. Wouldn’t a black hole, no matter how infinitesimal, suck everything in the vicinity into its maw? I did get to see Event Horizon, I’m somewhat embarrassed to say. First, good observation. Second, Event Horizon sucked. You should cut your own head off for watching it. But should we bow to scientific evidence, even to the detriment of our prose? Fine. If it makes you feel any better, the black hole turned into a butterfly and flew away, just for the sake of poetry. The Black Butterfly of Death then turned into Sailor Saturn, because we said so. And then Launch Apparated into this fic. She spotted Sailor Saturn, and said, “You aren’t in this fandom, either. DIE!” She then took out a tuna sandwich and a dead rat, and Sailor Saturn died laughing. Then the Magic Police came, and arrested Launch for Apparating without a license. Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, Harry Potter got a boner in the middle of Charms class, and everybody laughed at him. The end! Yeah. We’re ending it like that…you have a problem with that? Oh you do, do ya? Fine. Then how about this? Kiyone watched the carnage her exploding dildo caused, and threw herself off the roof of Starbucks, of all places, in shame and insanity. But she didn’t die. She became thoroughly evil…and made certain that the whole world would suffer for the pain and anguish she felt through her soul. She bought the Starbucks Corporation, and jacked the price of a Doubleshot to twenty-five bucks. Obviously Surviving Kagato built his big gay animal farm, and all the animals live in peace and harmony…and then Evil Kiyone blew it up and all the animals died. Obviously Angry Kagato decided to wage war on Starbucks and Evil Kiyone. Evil Kiyone amassed an army of hopped up caffeine-freaks, and Obviously the General Kagato gathered a legion of PeTA crazies, and – for reasons unknown to anyone except Kagato – the reanimated corpse of Steve Irwin. After the dust settled on the most pointless war in the history of just about fucking everything, it turned out that no one survived the carnage. Except for Steve. He was already dead. Crikey. -=-=-=-=-=- Kagome pressed the ‘power’ button on the television remote. She dropped the remote on the couch in a daze. “Is the Discovery Channel even allowed to show that before ten P.M.?” Inuyasha looked up from the blank television screen. “We’re outta pot.” Kagome stood akimbo before Inuyasha, her head cocked rakishly to one side. “Oh, you!” -=-=-=-=-=- Now it’s the end! Again, don’t do drugs. It makes the clowns in your closet come alive at night. And remember, it’s at night when the clowns come to eat you. Sometimes twice, if you’re lucky. ***** Stono Trigger ***** Chapter Summary Oh, my. We've moved from DBZ to Chrono Trigger. We have a giant boner for Toriyama and his work. Can ya tell? As always, this is a parody. Lighten up. :) Having said that, this chappy has a buttload of sex, drugs, and character death. It goes without saying that this is NSFW, so read this with caution when you are babysitting, at work, or in church. Our Chrono Trigger spoof-o-rama will take place in a distant galaxy…far, far away…okay, maybe not. Our story takes place on the day of the Millennial Faire, where Stono is looking for bitches and ho’s. Stono was surprised to see so many good, law abiding citizens…because he was looking for his dealer. He wanted to get high…but you knew that, right? He walked aimlessly around, and ran headlong into Smarmy, the blond ho he’s seen around Spleen Square. He knocked her down, and she went sprawling. Smarmy – in a PMS induced rage – palm-thrust Stono in the face, breaking his nose. As this game is Akira Toriyama-based, the slap took four episodes to execute. In the third episode, Stono noticed Smarmy’s pendant, and decided he wanted to sell it for crystal meth. Smarmy, also in need of a fix, concurred. This took another eight episodes. Then Hookah walked up, and pinched Smarmy’s ass. “Hey Stono, where did you pick up a cutie like her?” Stono said nothing in return, as he was occupied by the pipe in his mouth…and Smarmy had his pipe in her mouth. Eww. Hookah turned to Stono. “Hey, let’s go pick up some loose women, and an eight ball…not in that particular order. I want to get lucky tonight.” She usually tried to pick up tricks by the horror house…while Bekkler the clown face watched. Anyway, Hookah, remembering she built something during her forty hour crack binge last week, dragged Stono and Smarmy by their nipples to the back of the square. There they found a giant hookah, because we’re not very original writers. They all took their spots on the magickal hookah. As they inhaled, Smarmy’s candy necklace reacted to the giant hookah. It threw them back in time to… …the late Sixties! They found themselves in 1967, where you can get the best, cheapest herb in the universe! After buying a few pounds of Maui Wowie, they stepped on the giant hookah and fired it up! While they inhaled the lovely, lovely ‘dro fumes, they suddenly were thrust onto… …the set of Grease 2! An extra walked up to Stono and said, “Can you change a dollar?” Unfortunately, Stono was equipped with a Frenzy Band, and hacked the poor extra to bits. Smarmy checked the extra’s pockets for cash, and Hookah found a sci-fi convention. There, she found a fat Stormtrooper…who was…Bob, from Accounting! But then Ro-Blow shot him and walked into Hookah’s life. Love bloomed then. Hookah said, “Oh, Ro-Blow, your helmet is so big! I think I love you…mostly because you aren’t technically a man. I’ll pretend you are my ex-girlfriend Bertha.” With that, Ro-Blow followed gamely along, as Bingo was cancelled that night. Anyway, after disposing of the extra’s body, Stono and Smarmy tried looking for Hookah for a whole five minutes, then started banging like two chimpanzees in heat. And did an eight ball. At the same time. They’re talented. Anyway, post-orgasm, Stono and Smarmy walked back to the hookah, and there was Hookah and Ro-Blow, the frickin’ fiends. They had started without Stono and Smarmy. Angry at being speed-bumped, Stono and Smarmy jumped onto the magickal hookah and Smarmy bitch-slapped Hookah. This started a chain reaction that propelled them into the year Ten Million! Ten million years in the future, there are dinosaurs and… …uh… Roseanne Barr rules the world! Yeah! Roseanne Barr was the Grand High Poobah, and she had a bitch. A pretty bitch, too…with long blond hair and a purple fur bikini. Anyway, Stono and Hookah checked out the bitch, and decided they wanted her bad. The bitch’s name was E-la. She was really hot, and immediately ran up to Stono’s zipper. Stono, not complaining, whipped out his mighty two and a half inch penis. It's okay. We're laughing at Stono too. E-la started cracking up…right about…now. Then Hookah found her vibrator and all the girls around her were really happy…except for Roseanne Barr, who didn’t get a turn, because they were afraid she might eat it. Eww. Right. So then Roseanne Barr was angry, being as she was skipped, bowed down real low and snapped Stono’s left nut clean off with her teeth. Stono, being a mute, made no noise as he screamed. Minus one cojone, Stono buried his sword into Roseanne Barr’s belly button. Yeah, that sword. Roseanne Barr blew up in a flurry of guts and Mallomars! With the mighty Roseanne vanquished, Stono and Ro-Blow took E-la and Smarmy and Hookah onto the giant hookah and fucked every orifice he could find. This sparked a chain reaction that ejaculated them into… …a Medieval Times restaurant somewhere in New Jersey, circa 1993! There they were greeted by a green haired punk waiter. He said, “Hi I’m Frog.” Stono was confused by this, but then noticed Frog’s ‘Viva la France’ T-shirt. Stono was incredibly turned on by this. As one of the writers is gay, and the other writer is his fag-hag, what were the odds of Stono staying straight? There was something about Frog’s green hair…so shiny, so green, so sexy. He had this super shmexy deep widow’s peak and…wait a minute…widow’s peak? It wasn’t Frog at all! It was Vegeta, with green dye in his hair! “Hey there, Mr. Hotpants! What are you doing tonight?” Stono said nothing…as mutes don’t talk. But he was listening…and he was interested. Suddenly E-la sneezed violently, and turned into Launch! “Hey, you! You’re not in this video game…DIE!” But before she could do anything, Smackus, the Junkie Elf Wizard, Apparated into the game. He said, “You’re definitely not supposed to be in this fic…YOU DIE!” Then he moved his hands flamboyantly, and caused an anti-matter explosion in her left eyeball. As she lay convulsing on the floor, he fucked her brainless. Not that there was much brain left…anti-matter explosion and all. Everyone applauded. But then everyone realized that Launch was also E-la, and were sad that their new toy was broken. Anyway, Smackus turned to Smarmy. “Sorry, doll-face, I didn’t mean to kill her so quickly. But if you want, you can fuck her brainless corpse, too.” Smarmy nodded, and dropped her drawers. She floated serenely in the air, collecting magick about her, and a thirty six- inch horse cock grew out of her crotch. We know what you’re thinking, and we don’t know what’s wrong with us either…so don’t ask. Ro-Blow got incredibly turned on by this, and grew a foot-long uranium erection. He fucked Hookah until her skin fell off, and her internal organs melted into mush from the radiation. Smarmy, taking advantage of her thirty six-inch long willy, raped Vegeta, who, amazingly, was still alive after that. He seemed to enjoy it. Dear God. It ruptured his intestines, and fecal material flooded his abdomen, slowly poisoning him. He got pissed off that he was getting killed off again, so he whipped around and bit Hookah’s right boob off. Mmm…melted boob mush. Then Stono said, “Aww, fuck this.” Everyone turned to look at Stono. He began floating in the air, chanting the Luminaire spell. But a tarot card-reading rabbit popped out of nowhere and cast Reflect on everyone. Stupid rabbit. After about three hours of waiting for Reflect to wear off and for Luminaire to stop bouncing off everything, Reflect wore off. Shocker! Then everyone spontaneously combusted. Stono was now able to speak. As he was disintegrated by the Holy Light, he screamed, “Sweet and sour sauce is raining on the horizon! The owl swims alone!” Then he was immolated. The rabbit managed to survive, meaning his ear was left. Then he was able to regenerate himself. He pushed his body out of the ear, and lifted his hands to his head. He pulled off his face, only to reveal it was Piccolo! He shook his head at the carnage, and said, “Wow, I gotta stop eating 8-balls!” The bottom half of the suit said, “Yeah. I can dig it…now, can you grow another arm dick for me, Picco-ho?” Piccolo, enraged by his bitch’s defiance, grew a leg dick and fucked him to death. Okay, no more DBZ references. Okay, one more. Vegeta, mostly a cinder, said with his dying breath, “My agent is so fired.” Then he died. He was the last survivor of this fic, as everyone else was incinerated. ... God, that ending sucked, too. We can do better. Observe: Queen Zeal, deciding the Black Omen generally kinda sucked, blew it up, and went into business with evil Kiyone! This angered Lavos, as he just had the Omen decorated for Easter. He joined forces with Obviously Gay Kagato, and raised an army of gay Lavos spawn that made everything really, really tacky. Queen Zeal responded to this threat by hiring a crack team of drillers – led by Bruce Willis – to drill into the Lavos core and drop a nuke. It worked, but they were all standing next to Lavos at the time. It didn’t matter, really. The blast wave obliterated everything in existence anyway…except for the Tarot card-reading rabbit’s ear. The end! -=-=-=-=-=- Inuyasha happily chewed another disco biscuit, as Kagome said, “I don’t remember Armageddon being that hard to follow...or a movie animated by Akira Toriyama, for that matter.” She glanced at Inuyasha. “And since when was Armageddon made into a video game?” Kagome clicked the television off, as Inuyasha pressed his fingers into his cheeks. “My teeth feel soft,” he said. Kagome gave Inuyasha a sour look. “I wish I knew how to quit you.” ***** Ani-Orgyus Maximus ***** Chapter Summary Hiya! Welcome back to another fucked-up Stoners! fanfic, you masochists. Prepare to be mind flayed...and me without my Illithid mask. We decided: why screw up all the characters from a specific anime, when we can take choice characters from a metric fuckton of classic anime and put them into compromising positions! The classic anime we picked from the Wheel of Misfortune are: DBZ, Gravitation, Inuyasha, Tenchi Universe, Sailor Moon, Golden Boy, Slayers, Chrono Trigger, Breath of Fire, Ranma ½, My Neighbor Totoro, Excel Saga, Gundam Wing, Cowboy Bebop, Pokemon, Trigun, Street Fighter, Ninja Scroll, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Galaxy Express 999, Transformers, Powerpuff Girls, Hello Kitty, Yu-Yu Hakusho, Cardcaptor Sakura, Yu-Gi-Oh, Thundercats, Shaman King, FLCL, and Rurouni Kenshin! That’s a lotta nuts! Chapter Notes DISCLAIMER: You've made it through three chapters of this story. You are made of some strong stuff, and you already know that this 'story', such as it is, is so not safe for work. Use some prudence when reading this. Like, seriously, don't read this to your three- year-old at bedtime. The fourth Chicken McNugget of our series takes place in a singles bar, on a deserted island, in the Arctic Circle. Well, why not? Moreover, for some reason, the singles bar is run by penguins. They like the telly for some unknown reason. Anyway, to the singles bar…where Muten Roshi and Happosai, the panty stealing pervert are having a drink together, trying to pick up chicks. Giggle. Suddenly, Hyatt and Excel walked into the bar. Since they are in a different anime genre, they never heard of Roshi and Happosai. Roshi bought them each a Fuzzy Navel and Hyatt crashed and bled on Happosai. Taking this as a come on, Roshi grabbed Hyatt’s ass. Hyatt suffered from a post-mortem twitch, and her clothing exploded off her body! The two foot tall Happosai looked at this, and grew a three-foot erection. I guess in his case, it’d be a kickstand. And just as it popped up, the bartender magically turned into Sailor Moon! Then Tuxedo Mask walked in. What a fucking coincidence! Tuxedo Mask, sensing Happosai's giant erection, ran away hiding his tiny, tiny erection. Sailor Moon was incredibly turned on by this, and… Tore all her clothes off, revealing a boner of her own! She ran up to Excel, and stuck her tongue down Excel’s throat. Roshi felt left out, and grabbed on Hyatt’s still twitching, naked body. Hyatt barfed up another flood of fluids all over Roshi’s head. Then her head fell off. Roshi took this opportunity to fuck Hyatt’s exposed windpipe. Happosai, being secretly gay, fucked the fleeing Tuxedo Mask. Happosai's three foot pecker exploded out of Tuxedo Mask’s chest. His heart’s blood poured out onto the floor, which a passing Hiei and Kurama slipped in. Hiei landed face-first in the gore, and decided he liked the taste, so he used his teeth and tore Roshi’s throat out. Nummy-num-num. Kurama, seeing the three foot erection of Myouga, found a giant hot dog bun, some sauerkraut, and ate it. Yum. Anyway, Hiei found this to be quite arousing, and willed Kurama’s clothes to burst off of his body, which of course, they did. He then poked Kurama’s left eye out and skull fucked him. Lina Inverse and Naga walked into the bar, and witnessed the carnage. Lina turned to Naga, and said, “What the hell is going on?” Naga responded, “I have big boobs.” Lina ponders this. “You’re right,” she said. “Let’s fuck like monkeys!” Naga concurred, and they cast a spell to make their clothes explode off their bodies. Lina began to grope Naga’s 36FFFF boobs, when suddenly… Bulma, dressed in a dominatrix costume, brushed past with Vegeta on a leash. Lina took this opportunity to take Naga’s entire boob into her mouth, choking her almost instantaneously. Vegeta started to laugh, earning a crack from Bulma's handy-dandy blackjack. This broke Vegeta's nose quite efficiently. Bulma squealed, “Ten bucks an hour for my whipping boy! Who’s game?” Lots of people raised their hands for a go, but the first to get the whipping boy was… Pikachu, Evil Overlord of the Pokemon Empire! Pikachu paid his ten clams, grabbed the whip, electrified it, and began to flog Vegeta. Vegeta was incredibly turned on by this. He grabbed Bulma in his rapture, and acting as a conductor, electrocuted her into a crispy black wafer of death. Wow. Vegeta, further turned on by this, fucked her into a pile of hot ash. Meanwhile, at the candy store… Gokou snorted another pixie stick, and tweaked so hard that his eyes exploded out of his head. Back to the bar. At the bar, Kenshin Himura was nursing a Shirley Temple. He was lonely. He hadn’t gotten any since his lover Sanesuke left him for another bishonen. He was looking for some lovin’, and he didn’t care where he got it, or from whom. So…what to his wanderin’ eyes should appear, but… Iwata, who looks strikingly similar to Sanesuke! Iwata turned to Kenshin and said: “Wow, you kinda look like Matsuya!” A Puuchuu walked by, while their clothes exploded off their bodies. The Puuchuu was caught in the explosion, and cried out: “Why I get killed in fanfiction, too?” Then he died. Iwata realized that Kenshin was really a man, and attempted to escape. Kenshin pounced on him and raped him till Iwata’s intestines were freely escaping his back end. Ewww! Okay. Spike Spiegel tried to pick up a little chick wearing next to nothing by the juke. The juke was playing ‘The Real Folk Blues’, incidentally. The little chick had short hair, but strangely had long strands dangling from her wrists and fingertips. The little chick couldn’t stop running her hands through his hair, and saying: “I want your hair, it’s so nice and thick and…hey, my fingers…they’re stuck…I can’t get…AAAGH!” The sheer wiriness of his Afro sliced through her fingers, lopping them off. She responded by using the long strands of her wrist-dangly hair to take his head off at the base of his neck. Then the girl, Yura, grew a three foot pecker and fucked his exposed windpipe. Where have I heard that before? Inuyasha, smelling the repetitive gag, leaped into action, wielding the Tetsusaiga. Miroku, incredibly turned on by this, sucked Inuyasha into his ‘wind tunnel’. Kirara ate Shippou. Kinky. Kagome was heading to the bar, when she was hit by a hang-gliding Sango. The crash caused their clothes to explode off their bodies. Repetitive, indeed. At the other end of the bar, Nicholas Wolfwood and Stun Gun Millie sat. Millie was drunk out of her mind, babbling about desert worlds and insurance claims, and Wolfwood was merely thinking: She’s all big, and big- like. I like ‘em big. Suddenly a giant hang glider exploded through the window, with two naked women on it. It hit Millie dead-on, making her clothes explode off her body. Wolfwood took the opportunity to get his groove on (meaning his clothes asploded off his body, natch), but couldn’t, as he was suddenly sucked into Millie’s ‘wind tunnel’. Whoosh. Noboyouki walked in, and saw the lesbian hang-gliding threesome going on. Rather than his clothing exploding, he exploded. Underneath Noboyouki’s remains, was Tenchi. Wow! Any anime fan knows that despite Tenchi’s complete lack of interest in women, girls will do anything to fuck him. Sango, seeing the big gay hunk that Tenchi was, clobbered Kagome to death with her hang- glider sized boomerang to get closer to the object of her desire. She then used the boomerang to catch the wind currents from Millie’s ‘wind tunnel’ to fly to Tenchi. However, she failed miserably, and was sucked in, as well. Maybe she’ll be back! Ehh...nah. Anyway, Chick Ranma and Akane walked into the bar, and decided to beat the hell out of each other for kicks, and ‘cause it turned them on. Kuno was at the other end of the room, and watched them go at it. He was torn – he wanted the pigtailed girl and Akane. He shrugged, and settled for both at the same time. His raging man-pheromones caused Akane’s and Chick Ranma’s clothes to burst from their bodies. They both turned to Kuno, who had a boner so big, all the blood in his body was in his pecker. His heart stopped, and he slumped over. Akane laughed herself into an aneurysm, and Guy Ranma found Chick Ranma to be hot stuff, and started to boink himself. Jeez. How existential can you get? At this time the Gundam boys were orbiting the planet and decided to stop in the bar for a drink. As they stumbled in, they saw the Voltron crew. The four Voltron men eyed the Gundam boys coyly, and because their mechas were in such close proximity to each other, their clothes exploded off their bodies simultaneously! The one female Voltron pilot, naked and ashamed that no one wanted her, ran to a conveniently placed cliff, and jumped off. She landed, rather messily, on Rei’s EVA. Rei was off somewhere, similarly dead. This incited the EVA’s rage, and her twenty-foot metallic boner. The horny robot ran to the bar, and found Naga. Seeing her enormous breasts, her battle armor exploded off her body. She then raped Naga with her twenty-foot metallic boner. Ouchy. Then suddenly, Kintaro Oe fell out of the sky, crashed through the bar’s bathroom ceiling, and buried himself headfirst in the nearest toilet, all the while squealing: Oh, Haruko, my dearest Haruko! I saw you use this very stall! My love, my bass playing angel! Oh, how I love how you finger your…chords! Oh how I wish the neck of your bass was my penis! Oh! My dulcet darling! My bad, bad girl! Punish me too! Hearing her name, Haruhara Haruko peeked into the stall to see Kintaro rubbing his face against the toilet seat she had just used, and jerking off. Finding this incredibly funny, her clothes exploded off her body, and she raised her mighty bass guitar and smashed Kintaro’s head into a pile of jujubes...oh, and also bone fragments and brain matter. She looked over her shoulder, glanced at Jubei Kibagame and Kagero, winked, and… …their clothes exploded off of their bodies! Jubei began to make out fiercely with Kagero, then he died. Haruko was incredibly turned on by this, and grew a foot long penis…out of her head. She then began to fuck Kagero wildly…then she died as well. Kagero looked down to see if anything was wrong with her equipment, and was sucked into her own wind tunnel. Umm...eww? The EVA, discarding the flesh-sleeve that was once Naga, ran over and began to fuck Voltron. Well, she tried anyway. But then all of Voltron’s lion heads ate her. The Gundams were incredibly turned on by this, and their heads exploded off their bodies. Then they died. Can robots do that? Hmmm…who cares. Anyway, since the local Arctic furry bar was closed, in walked… …the entire cast of Thundercats and Hello Kitty, riding a giant Catbus! They witnessed the Gundam orgy and were incredibly turned on by that, so much that their fur exploded off their body! No, not really. They dove into their Catbus, rummaged around, and returned wearing bondage gear! Cheetara and Lion-O pooled their pocket change and bought Whipping Boy Vegeta for an hour, and readied their brass knuckles and cat o’ nine tails. Sadly, Vegeta was still electrified, and kinda cranky. He moved lightning-fast (pun definitely intended) and tore Lion-O’s face off, and anally raped Cheetara, electrocuting her in the process. Hello Kitty and Keroppi, dressed in their Goth leather finery, then beat Vegeta until he was a quivering, bloody mass, and then rubbed salt and cocaine in his wounds. Well, why not? It surely can't get much weirder, can it? After about thirty seconds, Vegeta, hopped to the gills, jumped up and began tearing the Catbus apart with his teeth, then started cleaning the ceiling with his tongue. What can I say…they rubbed good shit into his cuts and scrapes. Anyway, the Hello Kitty crew decided that that their erm...expertise…was better used on… ...the band Bad Luck, who was singing at the Karaoke machine. It was their biggest gig since their series ended…fucking short anime! Hello Kitty pranced up to Shuichi, clad only in an electrical tape bikini, and smacked Shuichi right on the ass. His clothes, along with the clothes of his band-mates, exploded off their bodies. It was then discovered that Shuichi was really a flat-chested woman. Hello Kitty, realizing she wasn’t a lesbian, walked away, defeated. The other two members of Bad Luck then ate Shuichi, as they had big gay crushes on him/her. Keroppi then decapitated them, and fucked their exposed windpipes…into hot ash! Mwah-ha-ha! Miroku, finishing his hanyou meal, walked into the bar and was startled by… …the big battle going on over love! Sakura and Yoh were fighting to the death over Yugi Mutou. But he had a dirty little secret…he was having an affair with Pegasus! But he wasn’t letting on, as the battle was turning him on immensely. Anyway, Yoh called on Amidamaru, and Sakura broke the Windy. Amidamaru croaked…again…from the stench of the Windy card. Sakura then buried her key staff in Yoh’s head, but not before he rammed his wooden grave marker right in her eye. They both died slowly, in pain…and then Pegasus came in, and noticed Shaoran Li watching Sakura get whacked (cuz she’s weak). He was suddenly turned on immensely, and his clothes burst from his body! Umm, Shaoran, not Pegasus. Even we’re confused at this point. Then Pegasus approached Shaoran Li and offered him some candy. Yugi, being spurned by the one man he ever truly loved, decided to have a fling with… …Professor Utonium! The Professor flew in from Townsville, to do some…uh, ‘research’. He went up to Yugi and offered him some candy too. Then the Powerpuff Girls flew out of his briefcase and shot their laser vision at both Yugi and the Professor, blowing their clothes off completely! Unfortunately, the blast caused third degree burns, killing them almost instantly. Pikachu, the Evil Pokemon Overlord and Hello Kitty, realizing they had competition in the cuteness department, led the Powerpuff Girls into a conveniently placed alley, electrocuted them into crispy black wafers of death and fucked them into color coded piles of hot ash. They then led Vegeta out into the conveniently placed alley, hand in hand. Awww! But meanwhile, at the other-other end of the bar, where less creepy things were happening, Ryu (from Breath of Fire, not Street Fighter…thanks for flying Church of England) and Crono were having a staring contest. Because what else can mutes do? Ryu was showing off for his bitch Nina. To prove just how manly he was, he transformed into a giant dragon, and blew Nina a kiss. The breath from the blown kiss made Nina’s head explode. This turned Crono on immensely, but sadly he was wearing a Frenzy Band and had Chaos cast on him before he entered the bar. So, he hacked at Ryu’s scaly flesh, then cast Luminaire…on himself. He obliterated everyone on his side of the bar, including Stun Gun Millie and Miroku and Kagome’s corpse. Ryu laughed silently, then said: “My armpits smell like pickles, and I can speak fluent Albanian. Wanna see my big orange growth?” Then he exploded from the effort of speaking so many words at once. Ken turned to Chun-Li and shook his head. “That’s the last time we mix ‘shrooms and LSD, hear?” Chun-Li merely nodded, and dropped to her knees and blew Ken. Yaay! First oral sex reference! Anyway, Vegeta was pawned off to his last customer… …and his last customer was fucking Unicron, the planet sized Transformer! All right. We know what you’re thinking. Umm, how did Unicron fit in the bar? How would a planet-sized Transformer fuck a human sized bitch? How many times is Vegeta going to be resurrected for your evil purposes? These are all good questions. The answer is: we have no unearthly idea. Just go with it. And we'll resurrect Vegeta until he runs out of Constitution points. Haven't you played Dungeons and Dragons? The Voltron robot, who just happens to be alive, blows the roof off, and flies to Unicron, as he’s incredibly turned on by him. An incredibly jealous Optimus Prime fired a pulse cannon, disintegrating the Voltron; a passing airplane full of nuns, orphans, and kittens; and Unicron’s left booby. Sigh. We bet you’re thinking: Unicron…has boobies? Well, he does in this fic! And they’re STILL not as big as Naga’s! Angered by this, he consulted a Tarot card-reading rabbit, who ate him, then began to stare at the penguin…on the telly. The penguin on the telly exploded, causing a small rift in the space-time continuum. Captain Picard… We know, we know. Captain Picard shouldn’t evenbein this fic…please…! Well, he is now. Captain Picard steered the Enterprise out of the rift, and fired photon torpedoes at the remains of the bar. The whole Arctic Circle disintegrated into a flurry of Pokemon, bondage gear, and gobbets of Vegeta's flesh. The only thing that remained were Pikachu and Hello Kitty, who were frolicking outside. Don’t fucking ask. They’re frolicking on an iceberg. Sound good? Besides, I smell the grand finale...and pickles. Harlock and Emereldes, similarly tripping the rift, began to make an assault on the Enterprise, but their ships were so incredibly turned on by the Enterprise that they exploded for no apparent reason. Then Launch Apparated onto the Enterprise. Allergic to Picard’s particular brand of head polish, she sneezed, and cried out, “You aren’t even cartoon characters. DIE!” She then hit the self-destruct button, incinerating everyone on board, including herself. Pikachu and Hello Kitty watched this light show from afar, and declared their love to one another in decidedly obnoxious ways. Then Hello Kitty ate Pikachu, and was run over by the Galaxy Express 999. Maetel stepped out, and stated, “Umm, where the fuck are we?” then died from severe hypothermia, as they were in the fucking Arctic Circle. The end. -=-=-=-=-=- Kagome sighed, as she and Inuyasha left the Japanese anime convention. "I swear, those cosplay masquerades are starting to get pretty graphic. Don't you think?" "I'm in the mood for pickles," said Inuyasha. As she opened the door to their ancient Yugo, Kagome sat heavily on the cigarette-burned front seat and gave Inuyasha a dirty look. "Tcha. Just shut up and pass the blunt." ***** Who's Not Sango? ***** Chapter Summary Your constitution is rare and strong, Grasshopper, for making it this far. Having said that, you are already aware that this story, such as it is, is so NSFW it hurts...so please, refrain from reading this travesty with your grandma. Hola, and welcome to another sick, base, vulgar, and completely crass episode of Stoners, where we break your fragile little minds, and enjoy every minute of it. Today we’ll be answering the one question that I’m sure bothers every Inuyasha fan: why do all the girls look like Sango? For that matter, why do some of the guys look like Sango? Granted, Sango’s a great character and all, but why is every other character a part of her fan club? Our story takes place in a glen, in the middle of nowhere...as Sango is beating the crap out of Miroku…as usual. Miroku, as usual, was enjoying the beating immensely, and asked Sango to knock out his teeth with her wallet. Where did I hear that before? Anyway, as she was tearing his hair out, Kikyo took that opportunity to bwamf into the little glen they were enjoying their extracurricular activities in. Suddenly… Myouga popped from drinking too much of Inuyasha’s blood. Inuyasha, not noticing, turned and noticed Kikyo. “Oh...hey Sango,” he stated nonchalantly. Kikyo, confused, decomposed right in front of him. Kagome ate Kikyo’s remains to further her own Satanic powers. Inuyasha realized Kagome was eating the grisly stew of Kikyo’s rotting corpse. “Uhhh, didn’t I just see you melt, Sango? What’s going on? And if you’re Sango, who’s that over there?” He pointed at the real (or is it?) Sango, who was beating the piss out of Miroku. The Sango beating on Miroku opened her mouth and said: “Onions make me sad! I must torment those who touch the tender bottom!” Kirara and Shippou took this time to look up from their game of cards. They then vanished in a pink cloud of smoke, as they didn’t want to be associated with such strangeness…yet. Then another Sango showed up. It was… Naraku! Wow! He looked at Inuyasha and Kikyo’s still-steaming pile of flesh. “Ahh,” he said, “I suppose half of the work is already done…so now it’s your turn, Inuyasha!” Inuyasha turned to Naraku, and his jaw dropped. “Huh? Another Sango? What the hell is going on?” Naraku frowned mightily, and screamed, “I’m not Sango! She’s the meat Popsicle beating the shit out of Miroku over there!” Inuyasha pointed to the other Sango, only to see Miroku had somehow escaped her. Suddenly, Inuyasha heard a gasp, and turned to see Naraku’s butt-cheeks firmly planted in Miroku’s hands. Naraku blushed at this, and slapped Miroku silly. Then his head exploded…but that didn’t stop him from summoning two more Sango doppelgangers! His headless corpse conjured a dark magick circle revealing… Mu’ Onna and Yura of the Hair! They suddenly bwamfed into existence. Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku and the first Sango simply stared stupidly at the Sango doppelgangers. Suddenly, night fell…crushing the Mu’ Onna into guava jelly. Hooray for blatant literalism! “Oh…another Sango bit the big one,” said Inuyasha, just before he went through the New Moon change…turning into Sango himself! Miroku, going into sensory overload, tackled Inuyasha and started dry-humping his head. Did’ya think this was gonna be sex free? You thought wrong. Anyway, just as Inuyasha bit Miroku on the left nut to get him the hell off… Sesshomaru jumped out of a conveniently placed rabbit hole! He scoped the glen, looking for his hanyou half-brother. He only saw a sea of Sango….and guava jelly. Then Shippou and Kirara appeared out of nowhere, and invited him to the movies. He was flattered. Kirara evolved into Nine-Tails, and Shippou was happy. Hmmm…Jaken tried to follow Sesshomaru, but was stepped on by… Kouga! He was stomped flat by Kouga, who was looking for Kagome. He couldn’t find her, as he was blinded by the Sango multitudes. Shorting out some brain cells, he grabbed Miroku, as he was the only unique looking character in the glen. Miroku looked up at Kouga, and Kouga looked at Miroku…and magic happened. Cue sappy love music. Kouga took Miroku in his arms, and they walked deeper into the glen to do the dirty. Let’s say that again, so the point sinks in: Kouga took Miroku deeper into the forest to fuck him. And no, it makes no sense to us, either. Anyway, Sango…the real Sango…because she was cuckolded for another man, she lost her mind. Cackling wildly, she started running into trees and screaming: “I won’t look into the eyes of the sun! My hormones bid me to kill small animals with my bare hands! Bambi and Thumper, beware!” She then hit a particularly hard tree, and knocked herself out. She’s gone for now, but she might be back! We know what you’re thinking. Might be back? She’s the entire fuckin’ cast! Yeah…we know. But that won’t stop any able bodied replacement from walking into this fic…someone like…a random farm girl from Episode Thirteen! Eh, we don't know which episode the random extras show up in (probably all of them) but let's face facts: they all look alike. In fact, she so strikingly resembled Sango that Miroku was magnetically and immediately attracted to her. In further fact, he was so attracted, he ripped off Kouga’s arm, in his haste to meet her. Sesshomaru popped out of nowhere, pointed and laughed, then disappeared once again. Then Naraku’s headless corpse shat itself. Kanna and Kagura will not be appearing in this fic, as Naraku is currently dead. Kagome-Sango took this time to reveal she was a giant demon! She grew horns, leathery wings, and a three-foot long arm dick! Inuyasha was incredibly turned on by this…and his clothes exploded off his body…and the cliches explode out of this fic! Miroku ran headlong into Random Farm Girl from Episode Thirteen, and fucked her in every orifice he could find. She exploded from hydrostatic pressure by the time Miroku fucked her right in the ear. Kagome-Sango called upon the dark denizens of Hell and cast Volcanic Circle on Inuyasha, causing him to burst into flames despite the fire-rat get-up he was wearing, but not before he grabbed on Kagome-Sango’s giant arm-dick, and tore it out by the root! Sadly, all her magical power stemmed from her…stem, and she imploded… Revealing Kikyo once again! Miroku, sloughing the farm-girl bits from his body, flew dick-first to Kikyo-Sango. He found an opening, and began to fuck it wildly. Unfortunately for him, instead of being a melty zombie, she was a dried out mummy! The friction caused them both to spontaneously combust. In death, Miroku made a final grab at Kikyo-Sango’s ass. Kikyo-Sango turned to Inuyasha and said: “Oh my god! It burns!” Then she died…again. Yura of the Hair looked around, sole survivor of the orgy/slaughter. Or was she? Kouga stumbled out of the forest, holding onto his bloody arm-stump. He looked at Yura, and said, “Wanna date?” She looked at Kouga and his bloody stump, and said, “I’m down.” ‘Cause we all know about Yura and her bloody stump fetish. Anyway, Kirara, Shippou, and Sesshomaru came back from the movies – which by the way was the remake of Dawn of the Dead – kinda disappointed that the flick didn’t live up to my their expectations. Cranky that I he pissed away ten bucks for a lame movie, Sesshomaru drop kicked Kirara, and anally raped Shippou. Shippou didn’t mind. Suddenly, Sango-Sango woke up, and spotted Sesshomaru going up Mustard Road, when… Old Kaede walked into the glen and witnessed the chaos. “What ails ye…” But she was interrupted, as another Sango Apparated into the fic. Then she sneezed. Launch looked at the old woman and screamed, “You don’t look like Sango…DIE!” She then pulled the Tetsusaiga from Inuyasha’s charred remains and cleaved the miko in two. Being that she was so old, she turned to dust from the impact with the sword. Survivor Sango, jealous of Shippou being fucked so hard that Sesshomaru’s penis was coming out of his mouth, ran to join them...when suddenly… Kirara, who was sent sailing over the horizon by a kick from Sesshomaru, ran all the way back, and turned into Super-Saiya-jin Kirara. Why not. He ate Sesshomaru and Shippou, then barfed up their bleached bones. Sango-Sango gazed upon this, and ate Kirara for no fucking reason, barfing up her bones. Then a Tarot card-reading rabbit bwamfed into the fic, and ate Sango-Sango. Then the rabbit blew up, obliterating the universe. ... Oh, fuck this. We hate this show so much now. We don’t even want to finish it... Okay, fine. We got something. I lost some brain cells thinking about this show. You're welcome. Other-other-other-Sango Apparated into the fic. This new Sango ripped off her face, revealing that she was really Launch (again) in disguise! Gasp! She stared into the vacuous emptiness, as the Tarot card-reading rabbit reappeared. It tilted his head to one side in an innately cute way. Launch replied, “Yes, there’s nothing left for us here. We must go forth and destroy!” Then both realized that there was no air, and they suffocated. Th'end! -=-=-=-=-=- Kagome stared flatly at their Trinitron, after snapping it off angrily. “That’s it. I’m sick of these tell-all reality television shows. I’m calling our lawyer.” Inuyasha shook himself awake. “Oh...hey Sango,” he said, “what’s up?” Kagome narrowed her eyes at the hanyou. “I hate you.” -=-=-=-=-=- A/N: We’re gonna have Launch appear in every Stoners fic, it seems. She is now a staple character here. Yaay. /sarcasm We know what you’re thinking. I’d love to see my own fandom immortalized in the Stoners! universe. How do I get my wish? You drop me a line, that’s what! If you do not see your favorite show or game here, fear not. Chances are, we have already written it...and if we haven't, we would be more than happy to take requests. I can't guarantee we'll actually write it, but we'll gladly take the request to! There are about thirteen or fourteen more of these that I have to edit. You’ll probably see your fandom eventually. Put it this way...there is a reference to the remake of Dawn of the Dead in here, and how lame I thought it was compared to the original. This 'episode' was written when the remake of Dawn of the Dead was first released in the theater...in 2004. Ten years ago. I'm a little behind in uploading these. : D We'll get to your fandom eventually. Toodles! ***** When Magickal Girls Attack ***** Chapter Notes Not. Safe. For. Work. Sincerely, don't discuss the nuances of this fic with your pastor. You will go to Hell. It's okay, though. They have cookies and bourbon there. And porn. Hiya, y’all, and welcome to an estrogen filled episode of Stoners! Before we start, we know what you’re all thinking…and we don’t know what the fuck is the matter with us either, so don’t bother asking. Tonight we bring you Pretty Princess Power! We will pit Magical Girl against Magical Girl, and watch them duke it out for the entertainment of us all…and hopefully, we can kill off as many of them as possible. Where will this tempestuous trial of tricks and ho’s begin? How about Wal-Mart? In the recently added cheese fondue aisle, even! Our tour-de-farce story begins...when Pretty Samy and Wedding Peach have a scratch fight over the last box of Velveeta. Pretty Samy was having a hard time with Momoko, as the Angel of Love was blinding Samy with the babies’ breath in her super-duper magical bouquet. Suddenly… Pixy Misa walked away from Aisle 4: feminine hygiene to witness Momoko’s assault. Why she all up on my ho like that, Pixy thought to herself. She grabbed her magick boomerang and flung it at her ho’s assailant full force. Unfortunately, she missed horribly, and cleaved Samy’s head clean off her body. Wedding Peach used the severed head to try out one of the fondue sets. It was scrumptious. Pixy Misa, incredibly turned on by this, conjured a magic floating dildo, got on and flew headfirst (pun intended) at… Puni-Puni Poemy, who had wandered into Aisle 5 – the dog food aisle – for a snack. Poemy got hit in the eye with the Pretty Pink Magical Dildo(tm), and she screamed out in agony and ecstasy, as pain turned her on. She allowed Pixy to skull-fuck her with the Pretty Pink Magical Dildo(tm), until she pierced her brain-case. Since Poemy has no real brain to speak of, she became an undead magical girl, and cast Volcanic Circle on Pixy Misa. Since Pixy was an ethereal magical girl, she went up in a pillar of pink fire, which smelled like candy. Pixy said, “Ooh, pretty!” Then she realized she was on fire, and screamed in horror and agony. She then melted into a pile of sticky pink goo. Unfortunately for the sticky pink goo, it was in the wrong aisle. Sticky pink goo belongs in Aisle 13. Kagome, who was working at Wal-Mart part time, walked into the aisle, and shot the sticky pink goo with a magical arrow. We know what you’re thinking. Kagome isn’t a magical girl...she’s a miko. A miko will cast a protective circle, or shoot arrows filled with holy light. Magical girls will say stupid shit like MOON HONEYMOON THERAPY KISS, and transform into a cutsie-wootsie costume, and kick the shit out of the bad guy with kung fu and pretty rainbows and magical toasters. Well...yes, you’d be right. But Kagome still works at Walmart. So there! Anyhoo, Kagome, realizing she was the first person to cast Volcanic Circle on anybody in the Stoners series, got kinda pissed off at Poemy. We’re gonna fill you in now, in case you haven’t read any of our other Stoners fics. One: why the fuck are you reading this one first? Numbnuts. Two: Kagome is A GIANT FRICKIN’ DEMON! Kagome, in her transformed state, raped Poemy to re-death in the belly button and right nostril! Anyway, after Kademon raped Undead Poemy to death-death, she ran to Aisle 45 to clean up a nuclear meltdown. Suddenly, Mamono Hunter Yohko walked into Aisle 62 to pick up a side of beef. What can I say, she ate a lot. Who should she bump into, but Mystical Ninja Jubei-Chan! As there was only one side of beef left, and two ravenous magical girls, a fight was destined to happen! Anyway, Yohko, being mondo pissed that she couldn’t get laid, bitch-slapped Jubei-Chan. Jubei- Chan’s eye-patch flew off her face, and she un-transformed into Jiyu Nanohana. Unfortunately, her normal self couldn’t take a Mamono Hunter bitch-slap, and her head went flying off her shoulders, and rolled into Aisle 87, where Sailors Uranus and Neptune were shopping for guava jelly. Suddenly… Momoko belched, announcing to the authors that she was still alive. Oops. Anyway, she belched up Sasami’s ear, and then decided she wanted some porn-star bobbleheads, and went to Aisle 690 to get them. She may be back, but who cares. Uranus and Neptune decide they needed a little spice in the bedroom. What better way than food-play? It kinda scared them that their guava jelly kept asking them to hand over their children, but it was better than a Sasami cheese-ear. Astonishingly, there was only one left. And who should stumble in and want it too, other than…Cardcaptor Sakura! Anyway, Sakura needed the guava jelly to make her Windy card more potent, so she started the fierce battle with the two Sailor Scouts. Unfortunately, as her best catch phrase was ‘release and dispel’…blecch…the judges voted her the loser. We know, we know. You’re thinking: Judges…who? Well, frankly we didn’t think too deeply into it. Let’s just say that they are a Puuchuu and some drunken guy. Shaddap. Just for your impertinence, we’re gonna hurt Sakura more than we originally intended to do. The Puuchuu ran to Sakura, stole one of her cards, and broke the Windy on her. The Sarin gas cloud enveloped her, and turned her into a pile of boob mush. Yum. Unfortunately, as this was supposed to be in Aisle 326, who came to clean it up, but… Sailor Saturn, the BLIGGETY-BLAM-I-AM-THE-SAILOR-OF-DESTRUCTION sailor scout. She was the other part-timer. As boob mush made her physically ill…I mean, even more physically ill than she already was…she barfed up a flood of fluids, and a large slimy object. It was Chibi Usa! Wow! Saturn instructed the new part-timer to clean up the boob mush. Anyway, we didn’t forget about Jubei-Chan’s headless corpse, and Yohko. Being that she hasn’t had any sex yet, she was a fountain of raging hormones. Having said that, her hormones made her body grow a three-foot long arm dick, which she used to fuck Jubei-Chan’s exposed windpipe. When she tore Jubei-Chan’s body right down the middle, she went off in search of nubile young bodies to ravage, down Aisle 4721, the…erm... Nubile Young Bodies aisle? Painfully obvious plot development aside, Yohko bumped into one of the part timers, and asked for directions. It turned out to be Kademon, and she ate Yohko in one bite. As she went down Kademon’s gullet, she cried out: “Oh my God! I think I just passed a kidney stone! My hair is made of plastic, and I have a hangnail on the ring finger of my arm-dick. This demon’s saliva is making it sting!” Then she was dissolved in Kademon’s stomach acids. Sssssssss. And right before dissolving, Mamono Hunter Yohko thrust her sword right into Kagome’s enormous penis. I’m sorry…Kademon. She muttered to herself, “I hate this part.” She then walked all the way back to the Nuclear Meltdown aisle, and exploded in a fiery holocaust of Satanic destruction. This wanton destruction turned Sailor Saturn on so immensely, that her uterus exploded, killing herself and everybody in the Frozen Twinkie Aisle, the Guava Jelly Aisle, and the Huge Orange Growth Cream Aisle. As to why her uterus exploding would do that, we have not yet ascertained. Meanwhile back in aisle Ten Million, the Pink Hair- care Aisle… Momoko, the Wedding Peach, and Rini, the Chibi Usa sailor scout were fighting for the last tube of pink hair-color. Anyway, they were duking it out for the last tube of Happy-Crappy-I’m-So-Slappy hair dye, when the other Sailor Scouts emerged from Aisle 666…the Demonic Underworld and Automotive Aisle. The battle for hair-care turned them on so immensely, that their hair exploded off their heads, and their clothes burst into flames. I don’t know why either. They each took a turn beating Momoko over the head with a rancid trout from Aisle .74678574, the rancid trout aisle. The fracas attracted attention from Aisle 1…the Tarot Card and Apparation aisle. Launch Apparated into Aisle .74678574, and was strangely attracted to the Sailor Scouts’ bald heads, and the head polish they used. Trust me; they had time to use it. Humor me, okay? She sniffed at Rei’s head, and realized it was the brand of head polish she was allergic to…and she sneezed. She turned into…Sailor Launch. Oh my GOD! That’s brilliant, even for us! She transformed into Sailor Launch, and said, “This fic is becoming frighteningly bizarre…right on schedule…but who cares! DIE!” She then took out her Uzi, a sailor scout costume, a mirror compact, a dead fish, a boomerang, a bridal bouquet and bridal gown, a tube of lipstick, a key-staff, a giant long-sword made of her ki (but still really heavy…), an eye-patch in the shape of a red heart, a longbow, a bullwhip and dominatrix gear, and a talking stuffed animal…and crushed herself under the enormous weight of these non-essential trinkets. The stuffed animal farted in Launch’s face, and then it died. Then Nurse Washuu showed up. What, another distraction? Whaddya want, now? What do you mean, she’s not a Magical Girl? Well, she has magical powers, a costume, and she’s got Magic Fingers. Magical enough! Anyway, she decided she needed some guava jelly, but all she found was Sailor Uranus and Neptune, covered in fluids and atomic uterine ash. “Damn, no guava jelly!’ she said to herself, “but I might as well get some fresh brains while I’m here.” She then stuck her three foot long syringe into Sailor Uranus’s ear, and sucked her brain clean out. Before she died, Sailor Uranus said, “My, that tickles my fancy! Swahili is a very nice language, if your Sea Monkeys play acoustic guitar!” Then, she croaked. Sailor Neptune, having not actually survived the explosion, crumbled into a pile of hot ash. Anyway, in Aisle 69, the Mallomars aisle, Undead Sailor Vegeta was stuffing his face with Mallomars....and human flesh. We know he’s not a girl. He’s not technically a guy at this point, either. He’s a shuffling corpse. That’s right, friends and neighbors. The amount of resurrections done on Vegeta finally exceeded his Constitution. Anyway, Corpse Vegeta was wearing a Sailor Scout costume, and eating Mallomars. Then he exploded. The resulting flurry of moldering body parts tore the top of Washuu’s head right off, and set fire to the trinket pile with Launch and a stiffening, dead stuffed animal under it. But hey…turns out there was someone else in Aisle 1… Sailor Moon, sensing the distress of her bald compatriots, leapt into action, giving action a massive concussion. We smell the bitter whiff of literalism again…but it could just be a stuffed animal on fire. Anyway, she leapt into Aisle wherever the fuck the other scouts were, and proclaimed: “I’ve had it with your terrible deeds, terrible deed-doer! I’m the quasi- virginal warrior of love and truth and puppy-dogs and candy and chocolate and summer vacation and good deeds and pop music and dating older men and getting drunk when I really REALLY shouldn’t be and having my own daughter pretend to be my little sister…that fucked me up when I slept with her…and more puppy dogs, charbroiled with a dash of Mallomars and…where the hell was I going with this?” By the time she came back to reality, Sailor Mars and Mercury had died of prostate cancer (seriously?), and Sailors Jupiter and Venus became dykes on bikes. Who’da thunk it? Sailor Launch: the Flaming Zombie, with a fish and a boomerang for arms…and a stuffed animal for a head…shambled up to Sailor Moon and said: “Why do you have to say such long fucking battle cries? DIE!” Unfortunately, she took this opportunity to die herself. Too bad. For us. Oh why not? Sailor Moon began to utter an obnoxiously long battle cry again! In fact, it was so long, it was a fic in itself! Coming soon to a computer screen near you! No, not really! By the time she was done, Sailors Venus and Jupiter were dead, and Chibi Usa turned into Yoda! We don’t know why! So Yoda and his/her young Padawan Sailor Scout return to Aisle 1…where the Tarot card-reading rabbit had been waiting the whole time! The big finale! Dum-dum-DUM! Sailors Moon and Chibi Usa/Yoda looked at the rabbit, and said, “Howdy.” The rabbit flipped up a card from his deck, the BLIGGETY-BLAM-FUCKING-DESTRUCTION-OF-ALL-THINGS card. it’s there, look for it… and smiled at the two survivors. He then took a handful of D6’s from his pocket – yes, pocket – and rolled them. He looked up at the two Sailor Scouts, and grinned nastily, and screamed: “Giant fireball away!” A giant frickin’ fireball erupted from the ceiling of Wal-Mart, and incinerated the two sailor scouts where they stood. When the maelstrom subsided, Vegeta’s leg, Sasami’s ear, the top of Washuu’s head, Yohko’s arm dick…and the rabbit’s ear…were the only things that survived the firestorm. Then the nuclear reactor in Aisle Who Gives a Shit went China Syndrome, and caused a chain reaction that caused the world to implode…and the implosion of Earth caused its mirror universe’s Earth to similarly self destruct. This caused a chain reaction that obliterated the universe…save Vegeta’s leg, Sasami’s ear, Yohko’s arm-dick, the top of Washuu’s head, and the rabbit’s ear. The end. The moral of this story is...why would you shop at Wal-Mart, you stupid people! Is it really worth it to save the lousy fifty cents on toilet paper, and have to drive forty miles to get to the fucking place? Okay, we’re done. No more anger from us, lest we implode and cause a chain reaction and Moon Honeymoon whatever the fuck attack you! -=-=-=-=-=- Inuyasha glanced at Kagome after 60 Minutes ended. “So...that’s why you’re not allowed in Wal-Mart anymore?” “Fuck them!” said Kademon...erm, Kagome. “They blacklist you the second you quit their stupid company. Plus, I should have gotten that promotion, not Saturn! That bitch was there for a week before she was promoted to Assistant Manager!” Inuyasha crossed his arms over his chest. “Kagome, you blew up a nuclear reactor when you transformed into a fucking demon and ate a customer. Isn’t it obvious why they didn’t promote you? You are a crazy bitch!” Kagome allowed her clothing to burst from her body, and torched Inuyasha’s clothes off with a Volcanic Circle. She threw herself at Inuyasha. “Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty!” -=-=-=-=-=- That’s that! Tune in next time for Chapter Seven. Toodles! ***** Stono Cross-Eyed ***** Chapter Notes Figured I’d let you know: if you’ve never played Chrono Cross, chances are you won't get the pun-name references, and this won’t be funny in the slightest. Just a friendly warning. Ah, fuck it. You'll probably laugh at the drug references and the characters exploding into something gooey. Also, NSFW. Duly noted, right? Howdy, y’all, and welcome to another ridiculous foray into the abyss that is our psyches. I hope you brought your life-jackets…and we also need an old priest and a young priest. Chances are, we can find an old priest and a young priest in the fucking long list of Chrono Cross characters. Chrono Cross made up for a lack of character development, by making a shitload of characters that didn’t matter. But we’re gonna make them matter today! We are going to crash a very special party today…the wedding of Tally-ho and Punny! Um…who’s Tally-ho and Punny, you ask? Well, if you have never played the game, following the fic will be a complete list of character spoof names, and their corresponding correct names. But wait a minute…if you’ve never played Chrono Cross to begin with, you wouldn’t think this fic was funny. So screw you’s all! No character list for you ignorant ones. Bwa-hah-hah! Anyway, We’ll begin our twisted tale as Krash is walking home…from the…CANDY STORE! Terrified by the goings-on from our first fic, Krash came running back to Stono Cross…with a few leftover Mallomars. In his terror, he runs into Jolt headfirst, breaking Jolt’s nose. Ouchy. Jolt didn’t have much to say about this, as LSDina bit his tongue out during kinky sex. Double ouchy. Krash said, “Duhhh! Ow, that hurt! I felt the vibration in the back of my skull!” Launch walked by serenely, and said, “That’s because your head is empty, Genius,” and walked serenely away. Why was Launch here? Because she shows up in every Stoners fic. Keep up, folks. Anyways, Krash was running not only from terror, but because he was nearly late for his best friends’ wedding…the lovely Punny, and the brave Tally-ho. Stepping on Jolt’s head as he rushed by, he turned the corner and slammed into…Krash! Launch walked back into the fic, realizing this gag had been done before. She placed a name tag on the second Krash, revealing that it was Gall! Gall, already depressed about his fallout with Sigfried and Roy, broke out a bottle of moonshine and drank himself to death. Krash ran for his life, racking his sub-par brain, thinking of what to wear to the event…as the Disco Deva leisure suit he wore was getting a bit ragged from his travels. He turned into the clothing store and stepped on Spazzly, the FRICKIN’ MONSTER! She said, “Ow. That hurt, you A-hole. That makes me mad. Take this.” She cast Volcanic Circle on Krash. He then took that opportunity to bend down to pick up a penny, and the Volcanic Circle whizzed over his empty head. How a Volcanic Circle can whiz over anything is yet to be ascertained. It hit the skeletal customer service rep behind the counter. The CSR was none other than…Smelly, the moldy skeleton! Fortunately, he was already dead. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop his undead body from disintegrating instantaneously! Mo-blow laughed at this, then went to go find the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion. He’ll be back. Well, he’d better be back. We have to kill him eventually, too. After Smelly collapsed into a pile of hot ash, Krash realized there was no one to sell him some clothing and ran out of the store to get to the wedding. He didn’t want to miss out on the Viper Churros. Thinking of the yummy, sweet and salty, covered in hydrogenated fat, full of triglycerided goodness, he tripped over Sparky and landed full force on Puff, squashing him flat. Whew. At least I didn’t have to write some lines for Puff and Sparky. Thank God. Puff died, shooting one last burst of flame from his mouth, immolating Sparky and the androgynous Sticky and Frenchie! Frenchie uttered, “Sacre AAAAAAHHHHHH!”. Then he died. Mo-blow laughed from afar. Stonaa, walking into town for no apparent reason, found the alcohol poisoned corpse of Gall, raped it a couple of times, and then revived him. Sigh. We know what’s floating through your noggins right now. Why the hell did she rape him before reviving him? you might be thinking. Well, it’s because she’s a clergy-woman. If she fucked a living man, it would have been a sin. Well, you asked. Don’t look at us like that. Stonaa and Gall, who’s still drunk, ran off skipping, singing The Safety Dance and looking around for Krash, the third Disco Deva…so they could wreak havoc across the globe and in every Karaoke bar they could find. As they skipped away, Shmegg laughed herself into a coma and Paul Prudhomme ate Roacha, furthering his own Satanic powers. Then Oprah ended. Oprah, realizing Guldove was a shitty little town, decided to open an Ikea. She then realized she was late for the wedding. She was the belly dancer. Eww. The sheer thought of that caused Whorela and Smell (who’s not smelly) to drown themselves. No, no...don’t ask us...fine. You’re asking yourselves, How the fuck can you drown yourself? Wanna know how? By inhaling water instead of air. Just for that, instead of drowning, they were run over by General Monty Python’s cruise ship. Monty was looking for Krash, as their original flower girl, Spazzly, was a FRICKIN’ MONSTER! Pondering this, he crashed into Army Surplus Village, killing everyone. Mass murder. Wheee. In the wreckage, a Terminator-esque portal opened, and Redial jumped out. We’ll get back to him later. BLOWAH, who was surrounded by a gaggle of small children, was rushing to the wedding, because if he was late, Krash would stick an 18-inch-long dildo up his ass in punishment. What BLOWAH didn’t tell him was that he would pretend it was SUV or maybe Darcy that was doing it. He had a dirty little secret…he liked them young. They were all small, and small-like. Anyway, he set the age limit to his child-like masses at ten. All of the children left, all but Boogum, the cave girl. She had such small hands…and a giant penis. Though it confused BLOWAH, it turned him on immensely. And so they strode, penis in hand, to the wedding. So oblivious to the goings on around them, they walked right over a wad of toilet paper. It was PCP. Wow! PCP said, “Ouchy. That weally hurt, you know. I’m going to go and get my speciaw fwiends! He then ran for Bunyip and Neo-SATAN, who were his partners in evil. Together, they had a kawaii factor of TEN MILLION! They got together, and did the evil Satanic Dance of Joy, which turned everyone in the vicinity of five miles into piles of offal. Affected were Frog and Whorus, who were enjoying a bit of Afternoon Delight, if ya know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge nudge...never mind, I’ll tell anyway. They were doing the Horizontal Hula, the Mattress Mambo, the Un-skinny Bop…choose your euphemism for fucking like chimpanzees in heat. Monty drove over Army Surplus Village, and right into Divine Drag Queen Falls. He crashed into the cliff-face, and his ship exploded. Everybody in the wedding party looked down at the carnage. Mo-blow laughed from wherever the fuck he was. He sounded like he was getting close. Then something exploded! It was Oprah! What? No bulbous belly dancing? No. Sadly, she ate too much squid gut pasta, which she is deathly allergic to…or should I say, explosively allergic to! Obviously. Everyone turned to look at the other explosion. BLOWAH took this opportunity to run behind the waterfall with Boogum. When everybody looked back, they saw BLOWAH and Boogum behind the waterfall, because water is fucking transparent. Then two Krash’s showed up. It was Krash and Redial. Yep, it turns out that Redial is Krash from the future! Betcha didn’t see that coming! Anyway, Smarmy and Catman showed up, bearing weapons of mass destruction, and wedding gifts. They carried the gifts, the W.O.M.D. were on Catman's utility belt. Then Smarmy said, “Hey…where’s the belly dancer? I wanted to see some belly dancing…she blew up? Oh…okay, I guess I have to fill in.” She then tore all her clothes off and started gyrating herself. Krotcha, as he was a bag of hormones, and had never gotten laid, jumped on Smarmy. Gecko, Tally-ho, and Zappo followed suit. Zippo, Zappo’s wife, reaches out and snapped his neck so hard his head turned completely around. Punny wasn’t as quick, but it worked out in the end…Smarmy had a self-destruct mechanism attached to her belt, and vaporized Gecko, Tally-ho, and Krotcha. Boom. Everybody got really confused. How can there be a wedding without a groom? Redial walked up to Punny, and said, “Why don’t you marry my past self? He’s single…” Punny looked at Krash with doubts, then Krash dropped trou. Punny was so incredibly turned on by this that the floppy snake on her headband exploded off her head. Krash then jumped on her and fucked Punny in half. What can I say, he’s hung like an EVA. Well, then. Sated, Krash stood up, to the admiring glances of all the women (and some of the guys) at the wedding. Suddenly, Stonaa and Gall showed up. Stonaa said, “Finally! The third Disco Deva. Let us join forces, and defeat the minions of Neo-SATAN and…wow, you’re hung. Let’s date.” Krash said, “I’m down.” Anyway, Gall bitch-slapped Stonaa, as he wanted Krash too. Stonaa powered up an Ultranova to toast Gall, when Neo-SATAN, PCP, and Bunyip enter the fray. The Disco Devas use their Triple Tech, Disco Inferno, and the evil ones use their Triple Tech, Kawaii-Kowaii. The resulting mixture of the triple techs causes a sextuple tech…Bliggety Blam! Yes, the tech’s name was Bliggety Blam. Is there a problem? Anyway, it destroyed all of the Divine Drag Queen Falls, the Hydra Marshmallows, and Opossum Beach, and everybody in the bridal party, including Icky, Spleens, BLOWAH and Boogum, Darcy, SUV, and last but not least, Hubba- Bubba Beeba, the bartender. This angered the six Drag Queen Gods. But they were dead, so it didn’t matter. Catman rose from the ashes of the maelstrom like a malevolent phoenix! He then ran to the Catmobile to search for the Stono Trigger, with his trusty Gloop sidekick, Blobbin. Fortunately, it was hot out, and Blobbin evaporated. Jolt, LSDina, Crack, Crock, Spazzly…the FRICKIN’ MONSTER, Shroom, and Arrgho (in a pink bridesmaid’s dress) were bored, as they didn’t get to the wedding in time. They decided to get high, and eyed Shroom with avarice. Everyone suddenly descended on Shroom and tore at his body with their teeth and fingers, relishing the way his flesh had hallucinogenic qualities. Anyway, Shroom croaked because they ate everything down to his bare bones. Enjoying the high, Crack said, “Bugger! Does anyone else see the gigantic pink dog walking toward us, or am I just freaking out? Crikey!” LSDina said, “Can someone shut this bitch up for me, please? She’s freaking me out!” Crock and Spazzly, the FRICKIN’ MONSTER went off in search of a quieter place to smoke up. As Pothead, Mo-blow, Gropyc, Hookah, and Sniff pranced and skipped, arm in arm, they sang, We’re off to see the wedding, the wonderful wedding of AAAAAGH!. Catman, now flying the Catwing, dropped napalm on them, then began licking his own crotch. “Crikey, does anyone else see that flying cat there? BUGGER!” exclaimed Crack, as the Catwing crashed nose-first into the tripping troupe. Before death, Jolt exclaimed, “Shackles of my mime heritage, begone! Kumquats are on sale for 49 cents a pound at Wal-Mart! If you make a mess, don’t worry, cause Kademon will clean it up!” He then turned into a huge orange growth, and upon impact with the Catwing, became an acid-filled water balloon of death, melting everyone in the vicinity into boob mush. Yummy yum-yum. Anyway, Crock and Spazzly, the you-know-what, were smoking some really good ganja in the woods, when a decidedly feminine tarot card reading rabbit showed up. She grinned at Crock, and flipped up the I’M GONNA EAT’CHA card. She shrugged, and nodded to the FRICKIN’ MONSTER. Spazzly nodded back, and ate Crock. Crock said, “Whoa, dude,” then he died. Spazzly and the Tarot card-reading rabbit, who looked strangely like Janice, but who really gives a shit, began a worldwide element duel that destroyed the entire earth. The resulting explosion took out our neighboring planets, our two moons, and the Starship Enterprise. When that baby blew up, it caused a chain reaction… Fuck this. NO MORE CHAIN REACTIONS! NO MORE! We gotta leave at least one anime universe intact, so we can write more Stoners fics. If we blow another universe up, we’re fucked. Can we think of something better, you ask? Well...no. But we do have this… Because Another World didn’t exist, Home World got sucked into the space-time continuum rift, then the world next to Home World got sucked in too. And so on and so on, until the domino effect toppled all of existence. A video game was released shortly thereafter, with even more characters than this one, chronicling the events of this last video game… Confusing…terribly confusing. That weed must be REALLY good. We managed to destroy the universe anyway…oops. It’s a good thing that there’s more than one anime universe. But waitaminit…what about Spazzly, the FRICKIN MONSTER, and Gropyc, and the Tarot card-reading rabbit? They managed to teleport themselves to another-another-world, which being before another world made it immune to the chain of destruction. Ahh…the Radical Dreamers game… WAIT! That game should not exist here! If we fill American minds with too much Japanese game culture, they will simply combust. No Radical Dreamers…no more chain reactions…and no more from us on that subject. All right then…Gropyc and Spazzly were the only survivors of the carnage. That and the Tarot card-reading rabbit’s ear. But that doesn’t count. And no, it wasn’t a cheese ear. Shaddup. Anyway, Gropyc turned to Spazzly and grinned nastily. “Hey! How did you survive?” asked Spazzly. “Because, stupid, I am already dead,” and turned Super Saiya-jin 2. A large M appeared on his forehead. Bionically enhanced Undead Bejita…who knew? Spazzly shot a Volcanic Circle. Bejita retaliated by unzipping his pants and unleashing his 'Big Bang' attack. The giant ki explosion eradicated the terrain, an orphanage, a church, and the Peace Corps. Then Launch serenely walked back into the fic. She walked up to Gro-jita and sneezed from the rotting flesh flaking off of his face. As she entered Ape-Shit mode, she cried out, “I’m the only character who lives to say something stupid at the end of these fics…DIE!” She then hit Gro-jita’s off switch, and used his pointy-ass hair to impale Spazzly. Now, the sole survivor, Launch picked up the rabbit’s ear, and dis-Apparated, off to find another world to eradicate. The end...? Erm, maybe not. -=-=-=-=-=- Inuyasha chucked his PS1 controller against the wall, and raised his hands at their Trinitron. “What the fuck is this? This has nothing at all to do with Chrono Trigger. What a gyp!” “I know what you mean. It's better,” said Kagome, as she lit her crack-pipe, “if you played Radical Dreamers on the Satelliview System in Japan.” “We're in Japan, Genius,” he countered, “but that's not the point. Cross is supposed to be a sequel to Trigger. There's no gestalt here!” “I know,” repeated Kagome. “Radical Dreamers was the true sequel to Trigger...it was a text-based game only available on a Japanese addition to the SNES called Satelliview. It...” said Kagome, before her head imploded. Inuyasha glanced at the smoldering remains of Kagome's neck, then picked up the controller and continued to fight the Time Devourer. “Culture shock,” he muttered. -=-=-=-=-=- Okay, now it's the end! Stay tuned for Numba Eight, when we continue with Cross for a tiny bit longer. What can we say. We went through a Chrono Cross kick back in 2008 when we originally wrote this part of the series. Enjoy it while it lasts. Toodles! ***** Who's Not Karsh? ***** Chapter Notes SO NSFW. You've been warned. Who’s Not Karsh A Sick, Sick, SICK Stoners! Fanfic by Kissy-Chan and Orpheus How do, friends! Welcome to yet another installment of Stoners, where you get a contact high just by reading it! Today’s fic is a homage to the strange love affair Japan has with blurple hair! Sad to say, there is probably only one character per game/series/movie/manga that actually has blurple hair, so we’re going to go all Ani-Orgyus Maximus again, and pick specific characters from choice anime! And the monkey spins the Wheel of Misfortune again! Dun-dun-DUN! We’ve got Final Fantasy 7, DBZ as usual, Trigun, more Chrono Cross/Trigger, a sprinkle of Sorcerer Hunters, a dash of DNAngel, we’ll roast some Ranma ½ and Rune Soldier, and add a side of Stoners staple characters! Broil in red wine vinegar, and you’ll get our location…which just for fun will be the Olive Garden. AND it’s Pasta Night! Yummy-yum-yum. Why would it be the Olive Garden, you ask? Well, why the hell not? Anyway, Karsh, for no apparent reason, sauntered into the Olive Garden for a heapin’ plate of farfalle, when he noticed a group of people scattered about who shared his particular shade of hair. He also noticed the many cameras and lights. You realize that he had never used his brain so much before, so he short-circuited and dove into a fat lady’s bowl of Acini De Pepe, screaming, “My God! Amazing Savings is going out of business? Sacrilege! And I have a hammertoe! What will befall the Smurfs now?” The fat lady replied, “Well, I hope Gargamel gets them, the little hoodlums!” Then she popped in a burst of confetti, for no apparent reason. This startled Karsh into a frenzy. He picked up the chair, and broke it over his head, chanting Pop Goes the Weasel in an airy lilt. He then ran headlong into… Shampoo, who had Mousse in a headlock. He took her to the Blatantly Blurple Hair Dye© commercial tryouts, but failed to tell her it was a man’s hair-dye, and she was peeved. To quell her wrath – and because it turned her on – she was going to beat Mousse into a quivering lump of flesh. She looked up at Karsh when he stumbled into her and said, “Me love you long time…ten dollar…me so horny!” Karsh’s eyes lit up, and his pinga swelled. So much in fact, that it smacked Mousse in the chin, as he was in a headlock. The friggin’ thing was rising at sixty five miles an hour – The legal speed limit in some states, mind. His majestic manhood snapped Mousse’s neck like a twig. I’m talking clean off, people! The head was totally gone! This excited Shampoo and Karsh immensely. Karsh took this opportunity to fuck Mousse’s exposed windpipe, while Shampoo took advantage of his rigor-mortis induced boner. That’s…strangely appealing! Where have we heard that before? That’s two Stoners clichés in one, man! We’re working overtime, people! There’s a lot of fucking characters this time, and it isn’t a Chrono Cross fic. Gotta kill…ahem…take care of as many people as possible, and if we gotta rehash ten clichés in a single sentence, so be it! Anyhoo, who turned to see the sexual carnage but…Riddel! Since Karsh fucked her in half in the last fic, she was really jealous that she wasn’t included this time…so much in fact, that her magickal girl powers kicked in, and she transformed into…Skeletor! Well, why the fuck not? She cackled madly…you know, that YAR-YAR-YAR! noise that Skeletor made in He-Man…and took her/his skull off her/his neck and bashed Shampoo with it. Shampoo’s head exploded in a flurry of cotton candy and Mallomars. Karsh took advantage of the gooey windfall and gorged himself on the sweet sticky goodness of Shampoo’s head. But wait…what’s going on over by the cameras? Lucca took this opportunity to lift her face from her bowl of Penne Ala Angel Dust, to look over at the flashing cameras. She stated, “Wow! This is better than that episode of the Smurfs, when Gargamel…” Before she could finish, she melted into a pile of boob mush. Robo transformed into a wet-vac, and sucked up his lover. He’d been through this twice already, and debated if whether or not it was time to just...let go. But yeah, back to the cameras…there was a big hooraw going on over there. A short, dumpy, dwarvish creature was screaming at the director and cameraman… erm, Shinichi Watanabe. It was Shinichi Watanabe. Well, why the fuck not? Anyway, the dwarf had a big, puffy, bushy, blurple mullet wig on, and was livid because he didn’t pass the prelim auditions for the BBHD© commercial. “I’ll have you know,” the Daggy Dwarf – whose name was Bob, by the way – ranted. “I dyed this wig myself, with the hair dye specified in the requirements given for this commercial. I demand some respect! Hi ho.” Anyway, the dwarf was about to have an embolism, when a hulking, biseinen with flowing blurple hair shoved him rudely away. And his haircolor was natural, too. The biseinen goon flashed his pearly whites at the camera, and said, “I use Blatantly Blurple Hair Dye©, and I’m incredibly pretty, too. The camera calls to me!” Nabeshin nodded and said, “Okay, Riui, answer this question for the final test…what’s the square root of two plus one times thirteen thousand divided by zero?” Riui, being an ignoramus, shrugged gamely and walked off to have a bowl of elbow pasta with cheddar sauce. Genie eyed Riui from the other side of the table coyly. Though Riui definitely wasn’t her cup of tea, her mannish appearance inhibited her from getting laid often enough, and she was getting desperate. So ravenous was her passion, in fact, that she ripped off all her clothes… We know what you're thinking: What, the two handkerchiefs and dental floss she wears? Well! We’ll have you know they are made of wrought-iron, and are very difficult to disassemble. Anyway, she tore off all her clothes and lunged at Riui in a feral rage. Why, you ask? And we're sure the question did cross your mind…! The answer is – for absolutely no apparent reason! Anyway…after the whole feral lunging bit, she latched onto the mind-numbed mage, and squeezed him in half with her mighty thighs. Then she ate his face. Let it be known that we, the authors, are laughing our asses off right now. Anyway, after finishing with his severed form, she then ran through the restaurant – naked – screaming, “Eggplants on the precipice of happiness! Let it be known that Ritalin can be a good thing, if used to make hamsters build a coconut city!” She then ran through a wall, into the Men's room…where no one paid much attention to her. Back at the conveniently placed singles bar, in the Olive Garden for no apparent reason… Trunks, miffed because he failed his screen test, was doing the Wheelbarrow with Goten while explaining why he failed his audition. “They told me my hair was the wrong shade of purple…god dammit, this is natural. Ooh, that feels good. Harder.” And Genie said: “Yeah! Ram that eggplant!” Shaddap, Genie. Anyway, while Goten was fucking the shit out of Trunks…fucking the shit out of Trunks…I made a funny… My God. That joke is so far below us. No...no it's not. Sigh. Anyway, while they were doing it hanging from a chandelier, Trunks bitched about failing the audition. As he did so, Launch took this opportunity to walk into the Olive Garden, and walk past the busy couple, when she sneezed, and suddenly… Transformed into Magickal Bitch Sailor Launch. Why, do you ask? Well, why the fuck not? Anyway, she ran up to Trunks – with her Magickal Bitch anti-gravity boots, seeing as they were hanging from the fucking ceiling – and shouted, “How the fuck do you get away with calling purple hair natural? DIE!” She then drenched Trunks in acetone-free nail polish remover – on sale at Wal-Mart – and lit him on fire with a wooden match with a blurple head. His body burst into blatantly blurple flames that smelled vaguely of guava jelly. This saddened Goten… Wait, wait. The nail polish remover missed him entirely? Even I can't wrap my head around this one. Okay...let's play What If. The matches were...they’re Magickal Girl matches. You have to coordinate the color of the match with the color of the hair, or they just don’t work. Ha! I did it! Goten was also stupid and horny, and that makes him very useful. To us. In the midst of his depression, he stumbled into Dark, who’s waiting for his semifinal commercial audition. Dark is so instantly turned on by Goten’s…eggplant…that his clothing exploded off his body. He revealed a mighty ‘vegetable’ of his own…a giant asparagus. We know, we know: Ummm…even if it was giant, it still wouldn’t be very big, would it? Damn you. Anyway, hee-hee! Dark has a teeny weeny peeny! So when does Goten start cracking up, then? Right abouuuuuuut…now. Dark is so devastated by Goten's derision, that he runs to a conveniently placed TV and begins watching an episode of the Smurfs – dedicated to Gargamel. Seven days later, he fell down dead. Wow – we managed to get a Ringu joke in here too. I’m impressed. Anyway, though Dark had signed his own death warrant, Daisuke was eager to live. He swore to take vengeance upon the villain Gargamel. Fat lot of good that does him. At any rate, Launch watched this amusing little sideshow, tittered madly, then sneezed again. She said, “Oh, my!” and walked over to the cameras for her own audition. Guile and Nikki, more alumni from Chrono Cross, decided to saunter into the Olive Garden. Coincidentally, Guile was here for the audition, too. Nikki was there for the conveniently placed singles bar. Though Nikki and Guile pretended that everything was okay, they knew that their tempestuous relationship was on the verge of collapse. Nikki wanted to fuck somebody else to take vengeance upon that fact. He scoped the bar, and his gaze rested upon a mysterious stranger. Ooooh! The stranger resembled Guile so much, except for the fact that he had red eyes, pointy ears, and a giant frickin’ scythe. Nikki had always liked badasses, especially ones with pointy ears. Nikki walked over to the ‘mystery man’…ooooh…and said, “What’s your name, big boy?” He then licked his lips, and then his crotch. He’s flexible. Oh wait…whose crotch are we talking about? We almost missed that one, didn’t we? I don’t think I’m going to specify. Probably both. Figures. Anyway, after Nikki finished with the unspecified crotch, the stranger was aroused. He said, “My name is Magus, and I want to fuck you until you die…cause I’m just that frickin’ kinky.” Nikki replied, “I am not worthy.” Magus then broke out his bondage gear – in the middle of the Olive Garden, natch – and beat Nikki like a game of Monopoly against Helen Keller. Oh my God, what have we done? We’re going to Hell! Oh, never mind. We’ve been going to Hell since the first Stoners fic. Guile witnessed the sado-masochistic carnage between his lover and the strangely familiar ‘mysterious stranger’, and decided that there could be only one mysterious stranger in this fic. He dragged Karsh over by his nipples, and suddenly Steena Apparated into the Olive Garden. The three Disco Devas performed their Triple Tech, Disco Inferno on Magus and Nikki. Nikki became a bondage-geared crispy black wafer of death that crumbled into a pile of hot ash, which Magus ate to further his own Satanic powers. He then cast the Windy card on the Daggy Dwarf named Bob, and he exploded in a flurry of lemonade and internal organs. Lemme count that…ten Stoners clichés! Are you proud of us? Anyhoo, Magus stood unscathed, save the slight singeing of his majestic mane of blurple hair. He glared at Guile, and Guile glared at Magus. Steena and Karsh just stood there looking at the two of them, and wondering why the hell Guile and Magus looked so much alike. This was too much for Karsh’s poor, undernourished brain stem, and he imploded in a burst of fireworks and glow- sticks. Oh, and there was body parts and blood and shit, too. Steena ate his spleen and liver, and realized that Hannibal Lechter had it right all along. Steena looked down upon her dinner, and stated, “I’m surprised he exploded like that…he didn’t even say Gargamel. Oh, fuck.” Her hair then proceeded to devour her. The hair then jumped into a vat of Blatantly Blurple Hair Dye©, and proceeded to its audition. Guile and Magus blinked at this, then Sephiroth jumped in through the ceiling, followed by Chainsaw Aerith, the harbinger of doom. “Quickly, Sephiroth, we must find the Blurple Materia to execute out demonically evil plan!” said Chainsaw Aerith. Sephiroth replied, “I know, you stupid bitch. Why don’t you try looking for it?” Aerith pointed toward the pile of guts and glow-sticks that was once Karsh, and said, “I think it’s somewhere in that pile of intestines over there.” Sephiroth retorted, “Well, now…go get it!” This kinda pissed Aerith off. She cast Volcanic Circle on Sephiroth, but he was wearing a Reflect Materia, and she was wearing a Fire Ring, so nothing really happened at all. Then Millefeuille and Marron started dancing in their lasagna. Don't ask. Because we fucking felt like it. Anyway, after all these silly distractions, Guile and Magus decided to dance themselves. They were both avid DBZ fans and tried out the Fusion Dance. To their surprise, their fusion created Super Saiya-jin 2 Majin Undead French Magickal Girl Cybernetic Gro-Jita! Wow! Sephiroth and Chainsaw Aerith, not to be outdone, did the Fusion Dance as well. They didn’t create any DBZ characters with the Fusion, but they did create a strange amalgamation of the two of them, which they chose to call Sephaerith. Oh my God. That needs to be repeated…oh my God! Anyway, Sephaerith looked upon Gro-Jita and said, “Foolish mortal! You cannot hope to stand up against my Chimichanga Bomb!” He/she…it…then ate a case of chimichangas – without any Beano – and twenty minutes later, all of the staff of the Olive Garden – and Shinichi Watanabe – died a foul, stinky death. Gro-Jita was pissed. “God damn it! You’re telling me I bought this bottle of blurple hair dye for nothing?!” Then Nabeshin appeared to him in a vision. “If you’re going to kill this sadistic cross-dressing motherfucker, do not do it out of anger. Do it in the name of love…and peace!” Gro-Jita replied, “What the fuck are you talking about?” Nabeshin said, “You get an Afro, you know.” Gro-Jita pondered this and decided, well, why the fuck not. He began to think about fluffy bunnies and kittens, tearing the flesh from Sephaerith’s bones, and his Afro began to grow. He chanted the words Nabe…Hame…HA! and let the blast of ridiculosity fly. A white-hot burst of stupidity flew from Super Saiya-jin 2 Undead Magical Girl French Cybernetic Afroed Gro-Jita’s hand, and streaked toward Sephaerith. What he didn’t know was that Sephaerith still had the Reflect Materia and Fire Ring. The blast bounced off Sephaerith, and ricocheted off Marron’s head. His mask than fell off, revealing that he was really Gogeta. He was mondo pissed that his secret was out, and that his lover Millefeuille knew who he really was. He took Millefeuille’s head between both hands, gazed lovingly into his eyes, and brought his hands together with a bang. Millefeuille’s head exploded in a flurry of Pixy Stix – still wrapped – and Ritalin. Genie came and collected the bounty, with a bag of coconuts slung over her right shoulder. And yeah, she’s still naked. Gogeta streaked toward Gro-Jita and a fierce battle ensued. Sephaerith took this opportunity to snack on Pixy Stix and Ritalin with Genie, while Gogeta and Gro-Jita beat the shit out of each other. At the end, Gro-Jita took his pointy- ass hair, and put one of Gogeta’s eyes out. When he did that, Dr Pepper and Reese’s Pieces poured out of the hole. A gaggle of small children raced to the human piñata and had their fill of the sweet, sticky goodness. Then Gogeta popped, in a flash of fireworks and internal organs, mentally scarring the small children for the rest of their lives. Then Gro-Jita remembered that Sephaerith was still on the sidelines, eating its fill of children’s prescription drugs. Gro-Jita would have paid more attention to ‘it’, but Sephaerith currently thought it was a plant. He simply walked up to a conveniently placed TV, and put on an episode of the Smurfs. He was confused though, because Gargam...the bad guy didn’t show up the entire episode. Wherever could he be? Back in the kitchen, Dark Smurfy Orcha, the new cook at the Olive Garden, was baking a special dessert in honor of the Blatantly Blurple Hair Dye© commercial contest. He knew the Olive Garden had been obliterated, but he liked baking pies. And so he baked the biggest blueberry pie in the history of the Olive Garden…which wasn’t really that big a pie, but still! Anyhoo, he walked away from the pie for a minute to let it cool. When he returned, he found a blueberry covered Gargamel! “Ha haa, I have been born from this pie, to take over Italianesque restaurants everywhere! First stop, the Olive Garden. Next stop, Papa John’s! Now let’s fight to the death with knives!” And so, Dark Smurfy Orcha and Gargamel began a West Side Story-esque fight to the death…for no apparent reason whatsoever. Orcha had his cleaver, and Gargamel pulled a Trigun character out of his ass. Knives said, “K-kill me…” Orcha was so baffled by this, that he leaped madly into the blueberry pie, never to be seen again. Gargamel turned to the pie, and exclaimed, “No one is powerful enough to defeat Gargamel!” He then shriveled into a single Chicken McNugget. Oh, look. Gro-Jita’s fusion is wearing off. When it did, Magus and Guile were nowhere to be found. Instead, David Bowie Kagato and Obviously Asian Kagato stood in their place. They turned to Sephaerith, and blinked in unison. Sephaerith turned into a giant pile of shit that wore a Reflect Materia and a Fire Ring. Oops. Then David Bowie Kagato (forever after to be known as DBK) turned to Obviously Asian Kagato (forever after to be known as OAK) and said: “Bubbles is my favorite Power Puff girl, you know. I think I want to beat her into a pile of color coded hot ash.” OAK replied, “It’s not good to lick your dog’s ass without rinsing your mouth out first.” DBK nodded, and said, “I think that Flan is good for your spleen. It helps make your eyes bleed motor oil.” With that, OAK flushed, and screamed, “If that’s the truth, then I might just wobble to Madrid on stilts, while singing Pogo When You Pop and run into a tree. I want some Farfalle!” Then he crumbled into a pile of dust, which DBK ate to further his own Satanic powers. Then he realized that he was allergic to OAK, and his anus imploded. He staggered to the kitchen, to die on some cool, cool tile. Then…he happened upon a Chicken McNugget, sitting on the floor. He, figuring he was gonna die anyway, ate it. It was the best Chicken McNugget he’d ever had. However, three minutes later, he dropped dead. From what, you ask? Food poisoning, what the fuck else? Oh, and his anus imploding, and all. The last two people standing…and I use the term ‘people’ loosely…were Magickal Bitch Sailor Launch and Magickal Girl Riddelitor. What were they doing in the dining room? Well, they were bathing in linguine, what else? Anyway, a Tarot card reading rabbit leapt out of a soup bowl, and began shuffling through his deck. When he found the card of choice, he showed it to them, and said, “Fight to the death!” in a voice so kawaii that no one could refuse it. Riddelitor broke out the Vibrator of Vindication, and Launch simply took out a pipe bomb and stuck it in Riddelitor’s ribcage. Riddelitor, though made entirely of bones, burst in a flurry of Sour Patch Kids and Downy fabric softener. The rabbit was pleased. Launch sneezed, and turned back into her tranquil self. She walked over to the rabbit and said, “Hey little guy…wanna go to Red Lobster?” The rabbit pondered this. So hard in fact, that he exploded in a nuclear holocaust of bad Smurfs reruns and blueberry pie, forcing everybody to contract diabetes in the world…and die. The End. In conclusion, children…if you say the word ‘Gargamel’…YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Mwah hah h -=-=-=-=-=- “And that's why we don't go out to eat,” said Kagome, serving Inuyasha a lukewarm TV dinner. “You have no idea what crap you'll find in the food in those joints.” “Speaking of which...” said Inuyasha, “what's left in the gram?” “Tch,” said Kagome. “One track mind.” ***** Belch of Fumes ***** Chapter Notes You are awesome, Constant Reader (if not a tiny bit cray-cray) to keep coming back to us. We lurves ya. At any rate, to those who are not paying much attention, this is NSFW. We can't reiterate enough how fucked up this series is. Enjoy the terror-inducing wackiness. See the end of the chapter for more notes We love our games, man. And we kinda ran the gamut on Chrono Cross…so far. We thought that something different was in order. Something we loved just as much. Why not Breath of Fire? Breath of Fire is a tale of Ryu: destined to be a dragon, Nina: a chick with wings, Cray: a cat-man, Ershin: a tin can, Ursula: a foxy…fox, and Toto...uh, we mean Scias. That’s just the cast of BOF 4, we’ll also be incorporating BOF 3 characters. First at bat is Ryu, the dragon. Original, no? You think that’s bad, we also have Nina, the winged bitch…and the cat-man Rei. On top of that we have Peco, the onion man, Momo the bunny-bitch, and Garr…the FRICKIN’ MONSTER! He’s seven feet tall, with leathery vestigial wings, a gargoyle’s head, and a spear-point bigger than your body. He’s a doll. Loves his Oprah. Anyway, our tale begins in the city of…Chicago! In the Space Needle! Geddit? The Windy City? Wyndia? Geddit?? The cast of BoF 3 were having dinner with their friends, dining on lobster and prime rib. Suddenly, the Space Needle created a space-time rift, and as they were thrown out of their chairs, and onto the floor, they watched their overpriced dinners fly into the void. This pissed Ryu off so much, he leapt in after it. Because the food was laden with so much PCP, his friends joined him, cause it looked like fun. They were thrust into… Post apocalyptic Tokyo! Over-run by mutants! This mutant laden city of death was ruled by the malevolent OTHER Ryu, who was possessed by his schizophrenic alter ego Fou-Lu, who ate small children, burned down churches, jacked up the price of cable…really sick shit! Though good Ryu had no idea why he was here, he decided he had to save the day. Not because he’s heroic or anything, but because Bingo was banned in this world…and that’s just wrong. Anyway, Good Ryu gave Bad Ryu the finger, as he’s a mute, and couldn’t say: “You fiend! Release this world from your tyrannical grasp, and free its mutant, smelly, slime-laden constituents, you cable-price-jacking piece of offal! And bring Bingo back!” Bad Ryu, being a mute also, motioned to his champion. He stepped forward – he was a foul-smelling, flea-ridden, hairy mo-fo. He strode to the center of the room, paused a moment to lick his balls, then raised his giant bonk-branch. Yes…Cray went to bat Good Ryu with his…bat, but then Rei jumped in and stole his wallet. We know what you're thinking. Doesn’t Cray wear a waistcloth? Where was the wallet? Stop kidding yourself. You know where the wallet was. Anyhoo, Cray stood confused by his very recent ass raping. He decided it was kinda sexy. He walked over to Rei and said, “You know, there’s a safe up there, too!” Rei, equally turned on by the kinky talk…what can I say, they both have kinky burglar fetishes…buried his fist up to the elbow in Cray’s…money stash. Unfortunately for Cray, Rei was carrying his Holy Avenger dagger at the time. Its holy light permeated Cray’s body, until he exploded in a burst of fireworks and cotton candy. Oh yeah, there was blood and brain matter, too. Evil Ryu was so upset that his sex kitten was defeated, that he sent in his bitch Nina, Mistress of the Wind. The Mistress set Rei on fire with Firewind, and ate Rei’s charred flesh to further her own Satanic powers. Good Ryu sent in his Nina, and she flew into the ring with her tiny fucking wings. I don’t know how the fuck her wings were able to hold up her body, no matter how ethereal she was. But I digress…Good Nina met Bad Nina in the ring, and Good Nina cast Simoon on Bad Nina. Bad Nina flinched, then cast Volcanic Circle on Good Nina. Good Nina didn’t even have time to scream in agony, as she imploded instantly. All that was left was a little pink smear. And it tasted like candy. It was about the time that Good Ryu decided to take the kid gloves off. He sent in Garr, to avenge his bitch’s death. Garr walked up to Nina, and blinked once. Nina responded with another Volcanic Circle. Garr merely absorbed its powers, as he was a fire mage, and countered with Fireball That Kills Whatever It Touches. Catchy name, no? Not only did it kill her, but it killed whatever else it touched, including an orphanage, the Miami branch of the ASPCA, and a plane full of Jerry’s Kids. That was too fucked up for even Evil Ryu to comprehend, so he jacked up the prices of cable even more, and canceled Oprah. Garr, really, REALLY pissed off that his favorite show was off the air, launched another fire attack at Evil Ryu. Being a fire mage himself, it bounced off Evil Ryu and hit his wastebasket. The wastebasket squealed in pain, and ran out to fight. “Ershin is really angry! You wouldn’t like Ershin when she gets angry!” Then she transformed into a giant fucking dragon – a green one, who knew – and bit Garr’s head off like a lollipop. Garr said nothing, as his head was now digesting in Giant Ershin- Dragon’s stomach. Garr’s head gave Ershin agita, and she belched a gout of green fire at his still standing body, immolating him quite efficiently. “You were quite tasty for an ugly bastard…says Deis,” said Ershin. God, that got annoying after a while. Peco, deciding that he was the only annoying character allowed to live, jumped into the fray. He used the giant bulb growing out of his head to knock open Ershin like the trashcan that she was. He then spewed green goo into the walking suit of armor, that instantly disintegrated its dragon contents. Scias walked up to Peco, and cast Clip on him. As this does insane damage to plants, Peco melted into guava jelly. Guava jelly that ate mutant children. Ryu and Ryu stared at each other for a while. As mutes can’t do much of anything else. Momo decided it was her turn to shine in the ring. She ran to Scias and said: “You are a smelly, icky, retarded, and distasteful mutt. You know what else? I’m really gonna fuck you up. Know what else? I hate you. I really, really hate your guts. I abhor you…” and blah-de-blah, until she was fully winded, and rested her hands on her knees, puffing madly. She motioned to a shadowy man in the corner, and bade him kill Scias. Guess who it was? A veterinarian, and he euthanized Scias on the spot! Momo, satisfied with her victory, paid the vet with Ecstasy. Unfortunately for Momo, who wasn’t wearing her collar at the time, the doctor then called the pound, and had her locked in a cage, where he could do sick, perverted things to her forever and ever! But then she died. Choked on a Popsicle stick. Ooh, vintage! Anyway, the vet then revealed that he was Ryu, from BoF 2! Not knowing why he had been brought to this fic, he cried out, against his sequel counterparts, “…” Well, what the fuck did you expect him to say, as he’s a fucking mute? Good and Evil Ryu pondered this for a minute, then grabbed each of BoF 2 Ryu’s legs, and ripped him in half like a wishbone. Good Ryu got the bigger half, by the way. Anyway, then Deis revified herself from the sticky green goo, and said, “Wow, it’s a good thing I’m a god, or that really would’ve sucked.” She turned to face the Good Ryu, and said, “I’m going to fuck you and kill you at the same time.” She then grew into a giant green dragon once again, this time sporting a ten foot long, spine covered, purple (orange polka-dotted) appendage growing out of her groin. We don’t know what the hell to call it! Deis goes with Henry, but that’s just weird. Good Ryu was, oddly enough, immensely turned on by this. He exploded out of his clothes, and flew ass-first towards the undulating ‘Henry’. You can imagine what happened to him afterwards. Anyhoo, Deis turned to her evil Ryu master. “Are you pleased with me, my Lord?” she said in a servile tone. He nodded once. Evil Ryu opened his mouth, and took a deep breath. Deis flinched, knowing just what would happen if Ryu did what she thought he was going to do. He nodded again, and said, “Oh, hey—This Is Spinal Tap is gonna be on Starz this month. Sometimes a ten-inch pecker grows out of my forehead. Does anyone else want some Cheetos?” His head then expanded to five times its normal size. Deis shrieked and hot-footed it back to the exit, but she was too late. His head popped with almost no sound whatsoever, and a tiny black hole appeared where his right nostril should have been. The ring of deathly-deathness, Deis, all the mangled corpses in the ring of deathly-deathness, and Ryu himself were sucked into the void. When they went through, everything in that world (including its smelly, slime ridden, mutant constituents) was pulled into the void. When Evil Ryu and Deis came to, they were floating in a white nothingness. Well, there were a few people there, if you can dig that. Nichelle Nichols, Al Gore, Steven Hawking, and Gary Gygax were floating in the nothingness, playing Dungeons and Dragons for all eternity. Gary turned to Deis and Ryu, and said, “Wanna play, guys?” Deis shrugged, and rolled a character. Ryu opened his mouth to acquiesce, and Deis ate him to shut him up. She’s now a Level 46,156,425.7 necromancer, who goes by the name Tim. All was well in Purgatory, save one thing…they ran out of Twinkies and Mountain Dew. It was then discovered that they weren’t in Purgatory at all, but actually in HELL! But things like this aren’t so unusual, when you’re in the terrifying world of…The Twilight Stoners Zone. /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo... Inuyasha and Kagome sat before the Trinitron as the credits rolled, and as the National Anthem played, and when snow finally obscured the screen. In the dim, Kagome said, “It's June 25th.” Inuyasha's brows drew together. “So?” Kagome slowly turned her head to Inuyasha. “This is the day when the Christmas lights change from being up five months too long, to being up five months too early.” Inuyasha shrugged. “So?” “Um. The black-light burned out.” Inuyasha slapped his forehead. “What the hell does that have to do with anything?” Kagome scratched her cheek. “Inuyasha...can you tell my vestigial head to shut up? The snow-bunnies are on patrol and I need all my heads to harvest garbanzo beans.” Inuyasha made a sound of annoyance in his throat. “Kagome, I told you not to touch the brown acid.” END Chapter End Notes A/N: I can’t believe we had to go back and redo this. Yeah, folks – we lost the last half of this crack-fic to computer fuckery some time back and had to re-write everything past Scias casting Clip on Peco. Sigh. Well, it was worth it, as it came out funnier this time, and we even remembered the non sequitur one liner from the last time. Anyways, tune in next time for Numbah 10, where the Devas Do Didneyland! Half Chrono Cross (yeah, yeah, another one), half inside joke – we subject our...erm, subjects...to whatever our depraved little minds want! You know you want it! Toodles! ***** Da Devas Do Didneyland! ***** How do, folks! Welcome to another ridiculous dip in the murky, polluted waters that serve for our consciousness. I wanna go to Didneyland! Yes. Didneyland. Didneyland originated in 2003, when we were really high. Picture someone really doofy looking – like, say, Karsh – twitching like someone who’s mentally challenged, and saying ‘Didneyland!’ over and over again. That’s our fic. Lucky us. Anyway, our fic commences when Marcy sees the advantages of feeding someone Quaffid seeds, and giving them a verbal command, that will transform them into a ruthless killing machine with no remorse or regrets. Or fees. Anyway, she decided that since Karsh had no real brains to speak of, he would be perfect to transform into a mindless drone…you know, no actual mind to get in the way. So here we go. Zoah burst through the wall into the room. “SORRY! I FORGOT MY KEYS!” Marcy responded, “Like, why are you, like, yelling like that…like?” Zoah replied, “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I’M WHISPERING!” Marcy blinked once, then Karsh fell through the ceiling. Karsh stood up and said, “Ow. That’s the last time I play Spiderman with Riddel. Crazy kinky bitch.” He looked up at Zoah and Marcy, and said, “Yo.” Marcy rolled her eyes, and said, “Like, I made like, dinner. Like, want some?” Karsh, being the fucking pig for his food that he is, fell to the steaming pile of nearly inedible food and chowed down. Zoah said to Marcy, “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST FEED HIM? IT SMELLS LIKE MY ASS!” Marcy screamed, “Like, hey!” Zoah said, “CRAP, I WAS SAYING THAT TO MYSELF!” Marcy then pulled out her magickal strings and began flogging him on his smelly ass. She did this quite often. Sometimes she wondered if Zoah actually liked it. Zoah took the beating, wondering if Marcy knew that he liked it. Then for no apparent reason, General Viper walked in. “Karsh, I’m gay! Gay for you!” Then he left. Marcy blinked once at this again, then randomly said, “Hey, why don’t we go to Disneyland?” Karsh, chewing on a mouthful of the shit that Marcy made, stopped chewing the mouthful of the shit that Marcy made. He sat up and said, “What the hell are you talki – HUUURK!” Karsh spasmed, his hands and arms twisting, and his head turning nearly completely around. Marcy nodded and said, “Like, good. Like, the, like, Quaffid seeds are, like, starting to, like, work.” Zoah said, “DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?” Marcy said, “Like, what are you, like, talking, like, about?” Zoah blinked at this, though no one could tell. After Karsh stopped Linda Blair-ing the fuck out, he was somehow…different. His eyes were devoid of all thought – more so than usual. He wore a big vacuous grin, a trickle of drool dribbling out of the right corner of it. His silvery mane had been tamed by a black hat with mouse ears, and wore red overalls. To perfect the transformation his axe had been replaced by one in the shape of the timeless Disney icon…Mickey Mouse. My God. Frightening, isn’t it? Marcy really shouldn’t have bought those Quaffid seeds from the Disney Store. Karsh rolled his head toward Zoah, and grinned even wider. “Didneyland!” said Karsh. Zoah looked at Karsh, then Marcy. He said, “DID YOU JUST FEED HIM QUAFFID SEEDS? DON’T YOU KNOW HE’S ALLERGIC TO QUAFFID SEEDS? IT HAS A WEIRD REACTION ON HIM! THE LAST TIME HE DID THIS, HE DIDN’T COME DOWN FOR A WEEK!” Marcy said, “Wow, like, that’s, like, some, like, good, like, shit, like, man.” Marcy pouted, as she didn’t get enough Quaffid seeds for everyone. Anyway, Karsh stood up and brandished his transformed axe. “Didneyland!” he screamed, and then swirled the axe toward the door. It broke its way through, and buried itself to the handle in Serge’s head, because I don’t like the silent protagonist. He said nothing, as he’s a fucking mute, but he dropped like a ton of bricks, dribbling brain matter and linguine as he went. The Olive Garden strikes again. Anyway, upon witnessing this, Marcy said ‘like’ about fifteen thousand times, and Zoah sneezed. The sneeze caused a nearby wall to crumble, revealing Glenn and Norris, who for this movie will be played by Trunks and Goten. Anyway, Trunorris and Glenten hopped out of their harness to investigate the goings-on in the other room. Zoah belted, “OH MY GOD! YOU TWO ARE GAY? I WONDERED WHERE ALL MY BANANAS WENT!” Glenten responded, “We only used a couple…God! We put them all back…” Zoah then drowned in his own vomit. Anyway, the authors suddenly remembered that there was a raving, psychopathic, drooling, axe wielding, Mickey Mouse ear-wearing loon in the middle of the room. He grinned vacuously again, shouted “Didneyland!” hoarsely, and ran through the wall to wreak havoc throughout Viper Manor. He happened across Razzly. Now, as everyone who has read the rest of the Stoners fics knows, Razzly (in the Spazzly incarnation) is a FRICKIN’ MONSTER! Having said that, she was floating down the hall, minding her own fucking business, when Didneyland Karsh crashed through the wall beside her. No one really knew what the hell she looked like when she became a FRICKIN’ MONSTER, but you all will find out right abouuuuuut...now. Razzly’s cute little fairy body was engulfed in hellfire. When she emerged from the blaze, she had the body of a fucking dragon…with a cute little rabbit head in the center, her own head breathing fire on the right, and a shark with a frickin laser beam attached to its head on the left. She cackled, “Mwa-hah-hah! Suffer the horribly crashing stocks of Martha Stewart Enterprises! Canned goods never go bad, and cotton candy shouldn't be prepared with barbecue sauce. SUFFER MY WRATH!” Spazzly then shot a death beam out of her little pinkie toe, and missed Karsh completely. The beam instead hit poor sweet Riddel instead, reducing her to a skeleton and her clothing, and that weird floppy-snake thing on her head. Riddel was transformed into Riddelitor! She looked at Didneyland Karsh, and laughed herself silly. She then said, “You could be useful. Why don’t you go and kill He-Man for me? Yar-yar-yar!” Karsh said, “Didneyland!” and lopped Riddelitor’s head clean off her shoulders. Strangely, this didn’t kill her—it turns out she was Riddelitor, the Ever- Living! She grabbed her head, stuck it under her arm, and ran off down the hall, screaming “SPAM!” at the top of her non-existent lungs. Spazzly, the FRICKIN’ MONSTER, suddenly decided she wanted some Spam. She walked to the kitchen, where she was greeted by Neo-SATAN. Neo-SATAN felt that Spazzly was encroaching on her territory, and that they should fight to the death with their Satanic powers. Spazzly began casting Volcanic Circle, but Neo-SATAN countered with Freeza’s Death Ball. Spazzly disintegrated into a pile of bones, and PCP. Neo-SATAN collected the bounty and left to set up a drug ring with Pip, the Evil Pokemon Overlord. This left Didneyland Karsh in the corridor by himself. He suddenly decided to crash through another wall, but missed it entirely, crashing through the door into the room where Marcy stood laughing over Zoah’s vomit soaked carcass. Karsh raised his axe again and said…well, you know what the fuck he said. Marcy said, “Like, Karsh, like like not like me, you like like like moron! Like! Like! Oh, and like! LIKE! Likelikelikelikelikelikelike…” Her head suddenly exploded in a flurry of machinery and Smarties. She was a robot! Fancy that! Then Karsh sneezed, turning himself back into…himself. Yes, the bumbling moron in Mickey Mouse ears transformed back into…well, just a bumbling moron. We know what you're thinking. I thought it was gonna be Launch… We know you did! Wah-hah-hah! I mean yar-yar-yar…speaking of which… Riddelitor, fully garbed as Mum-Ra the Ever Living, cried out, “I have you now, Karsh! Now you will feel my Vibrator of Vindication!” She then broke out a ten foot long vibrator made of wrought iron. It had a couple of bloodstains on it…well, Riddelitor had to test it first. Trunorris and Glenten were eager volunteers. Shockingly enough, they’re both not dead. They both seemed quite happy, as a matter of fact. And just for fun, Luccia randomly walked into the room, and was sucked into Glenten’s wind tunnel. Whoosh. This turned on Trunorris immensely. He then bit off Glenten’s right nipple and…chewed it like a wad of bubble gum! Why not? This excited Glenten so much that the rest of his skin just burst off his body. Surprisingly again, he’s still not dead. Deciding that having no skin is just so damn kinky, that he proceeds to rape Trunorris with his EVA penis that we decided to give him for no apparent reason. The penis then burst through the ceiling, and General Viper was so shocked that his eyes burst out of his head and proceeded to shoot themselves with derringer pistols, of all things. After that nonsense ended, Riddelitor said, “Feel the wrath of the Vibrator of Vindication, Karsh! Yar-yar-yar!” Karsh said, “You know, that is the most annoying fucking sound in the universe.” He then sneezed again…but he didn’t turn into Didneyland Karsh, exactly. He wore the Mickey Mouse ears, and had the Disney axe, but the vapid, vacuous expression was gone – it was replaced by a calculating, cold stare. His other hand held an Uzi sub automatic machine pistol. He also had blonde streaks in his hair and BOOBIES! Fan-boys rejoice. The only things covering those boobies are suspenders. Karsh-Launch…Karnch...glanced coldly at Riddelitor, and said, “There can only be one annoying character in this fic…me. DIE!” She/he then took the Vibrator of Vindication, strapped it on, and turned the V of V on Riddelitor, vibrating her into a pile of bone dust. It turned her/him on immensely, and Karnch decided to go on a rampage with the deadly sex toy of deathly death-ness. Pip, the Evil Pokemon Overlord, and Neo-SATAN, heard a ruckus coming down the corridor towards their drug ring. Apparently there was some psychopathic she- male running around with a ten foot long vibrator with Pierre, Radius, Zappa, and Turnip skewered through like a shish-kebab. It was currently chasing after Poshul. But since Poshul was the EPO's coke-mule, they just couldn't have that. Neo-SATAN rallied up an army of Bulbs coated with crystal meth, and Pip summoned forth an army of Hello Kitty clones with .38 Specials coming out of their eyes. Funguy sat in the corner, tripping off of himself, along with Hookah, who will revive herself for any drug. Anyway, Karnch came cavorting down the hallway, when suddenly... She/he noticed the hopped up Bulbs racing down the hallway to meet him, followed closely by cute kitties with pistols coming out of their eye sockets, to engage Karnch in a free-for-all. This confused the side of Karnch that was Karsh, but the side that was Launch just laughed derisively and summoned an army of Myconoids from Funguy's tripping form. The plan failed when the Myconoids all went off to find some Twinkies and watch the Smurfs. Trumped, Karnch picked up her Uzi sub auto and mowed down the Hello Kitty doppelgangers, spraying intestines and tempera paint on the walls of the corridor. When the bulbs trampled over the bodies of the thirty-five-year-old icon copies, Karnch desperately threw in her last resort—she whipped off her suspenders. The bulbs, tripping the fuck out already, exploded in a burst of salad and farfalle, just 'cause farfalle is awesome. Both sides of Karnch felt a strange feeling of deja vu. But it was cut short, for Pip and Neo-SATAN was pissed. Pip cried out in his ultra-cute voice: "Fuck! We bought all those at Amazing Savings! Now what the fuck are we gonna do?" Neo SATAN retorted, "I told you to get something with a warranty, but nooooo...BACK IN THE BALL!" She then held out a red & white sphere in her tentacles, and poor overlord Pip was sucked in. She opened the ball, and the compressed Pip was reduced to nothing but fur...kinda resembling a Tribble. Neo-SATAN didn't know why this turned him on so much, but she did it anyway. Karnch stared at this utterly perplexed...not just the Karsh side of Karnch...the Launch side of Karnch didn't see where this was going, either. Anyway, Neo-SATAN was just about to launch a Volcanic Circle, when Karnch sneezed again...revealing the Disco Devas. DUN-DUN-DUN! The part of Steena will be played by Ka-Demon, and the part of Guile will be played by Super Saiya-jin 2 Undead Majin Magickal Girl Cybernetic French Afroed Leisure Suit Attired Gro-Jita! Jeez. We really need a fucking acronym for him. But, then again, SS2UMMGCFALSA Gro-Jita doesn't have quite the same panache. Ka-Steena and SS2UMMGCFALSA Guile-Jita glanced around, looking for their missing counterpart. Karsh was nowhere to be found, but a suspect-looking tuft of blurple hair on the ceiling, glued there by a splort of blood and brain matter clued them in soon enough. Ka-Steena said, “What the hell? How the fuck are we supposed to do our Triple Tech, Disco Inferno now?” SS2UMMGCFALSA Guile-Jita shrugged and said: “Beats me…I just figured we’d play with goat entrails while our leisure suits did the hula on their own, as we sang ‘Fun, Fun, Fun’. What do you think, Ka-Steena?” Ka-Steena stared at him a moment, nonplussed, then she ate his face. Why did she eat his face, you ask? Because she’s a fucking demon. What kind of demon, you ask? We still don’t fucking know. Fuck that – we do so fucking know. Ka- Steena’s human form exploded in a burst of brimstone and fortune cookies to reveal Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart looked down upon Neo-SATAN and smiled. The smile then shot an entropy wave, reducing the Diablo-esque plant into a pile of Miracle-Gro and speed. Guile-Jita, who’s still alive, strangely, staggered around the hallway, screaming and clutching his denuded face. He said, “Oh, God…it hurts!” Ka-Stewart just shrugged, and said, “Yeah…so?” He had to think fast; else the pain would make him go apeshit and do something really bad…like…invest in Amazing Savings stock. Sorry people, we hate that fucking place. Twenty six of them still exist, and we plan to destroy them all before we hit thirty. He really didn’t want to do that, so he thought fast. He said to Ka-Stewart, “Hey, Ka-Steena…I mean Ka-Stewart…whatever the fuck your name is…I heard Sephaerith thinks you’re a pussy, and you couldn’t ever defeat it, even if we did the Fusion Dance ourselves.” Ka-Stewart shouted, “That little bitch – bastard – whatever the fuck that shim is! We’ll show it who's boss!” They then proceeded to do the Fusion Dance, but Ka-Stewart failed to extend her index finger…causing a drug induced space time rift, causing all hell to break loose. Kittens rained from the skies, coated in THC. Viper Manor itself split in two, revealing the gates of Hell, where Karsh was getting flogged with the Celestine Prophecy by Satan himself. Ka-Stewart ran up to Satan to ask for an autograph. Satan was flattered, but rather than giving Ka-Stewart the autograph, he carved it into her abdomen with Knives. As Trigun only had one season, Knives was happy to get the work. Anyway, this gave Karsh the opportunity to escape, when suddenly… Ka-Stewart and Guile-Jita realized that if Karsh made it to the mortal plane unscathed, then they could do their Triple Tech, Disco Inferno. A giant disco ball descended from Heaven, and groovy disco filtered down from God’s bitchin’ Hi-Fi stereo speakers. He had an 8-track stereo, which kinda explains why that ridiculous form of audio existed in the first place. Anyway, the three Disco Devas performed their Disco Inferno Triple Tech in front of the Gates of Hell, and ten thousand damned-for-eternity groupies screamed in rapture. They then descended upon Guile-Jita and tore him into strips and smoked them until they were, quite possibly, the best jerky ever made. The Triple Tech then took out Neo-SATAN, who had just arrived at Hell. He hung his head and said, “My agent is so fired.” He then went up in a pillar of sentient pink candy and hellfire…and the hellfire didn’t do much, as he was a denizen of Hell to begin with. Anyhoo, the Triple Tech toasted Riddelitor, her Vibrator of Vindication, and Trunorris and Glenten. Before death, Trunorris’s wind tunnel opened, and tore asunder another space time continuum rift, which William Shatner and the Queen of England burst from, all Terminator-esque-like. Since both of them are really, really old, their nude forms made everyone in the vicinity – still alive, that is – scream uncontrollably while their eyes burst from their heads and their anuses imploded. After the carnage subsided, William Shatner and the Queen of England were engulfed in a blaze of white light. When it subsided, Sephiroth and Chainsaw Aerith stood in their place. They nodded to each other, and did the Fusion Dance to create Sephaerith. Not to be outdone, Didneyland Karsh and Ka-Stewart did the Dance too…and when they finished, Akira Toriyama stood in their place. He chanted a spell, and the Tarot Card reading rabbit appeared. He laughed, all kawaii-like, and flipped a card from his deck. Strangely, it looked like a Magic: The Gathering card…Wrath of God. Everything whooshed into a singularity of unending light and darkness, the screams of the damned melding with the screams of the just, leaving the Tarot card reading rabbit and Akira Toriyama standing across from one another on a daisy-dotted plain strewn with angel wings and demon leather. Toriyama looked at the rabbit, and said… “What the fuck was I thinking, naming the Ginyu Force after milk products? I’m lactose intolerant! Why the hell did I summon this rabbit? And why does it feel like ants are devouring my toes?” He then looked down. The Myconoids had finally found their Twinkies. The End! -=-=-=-=-=- Inuyasha rolled his eyes. “What a crock! I may be as high as a kite right now, but even I know shit like that doesn't happen in prison!” “Believe what you want, dear,” said Martha Ka-Stewart. “Don't you follow the news? Last I checked, a giant walking rabbit destroying all existence with a pocket black hole is newsworthy. Check the news out!” Ka-Stewart merely shrugged. “Whatever.” She turned the Trinitron on, and an army of Myconoids poured from the giant screen and descened upon Inuyasha. Three seconds later, a skeleton wearing a Fire Rat kimono sat on their ratty couch. The head Myconoid waved cheerily at Ka-Stewart. Ka-Stewart sighed. “I hope this trip wears off soon. I have work in three hours.” Fin! ***** Xenon Revelations Church of England ***** Wassup, y’all! Welcome to the next chunk of our diseased minds! Can you believe that this fic was born in the bowels of a dentist’s office? The very pits of Hell, even! Well, we had absolutely no fucking idea where this one is going, but we’re going to pull this one whole cloth from our asses. Yeah…this one is coming out of the Big O, so to speak. Heh-heh. We love Mecha Madness. There’s nothing like your favorite robot overlord destroying everything in the name of justice…or candy…or whatever the fuck they feel like. So, without further ado, we give you our homage to the mechas of the anime world…and beyond – yesterday and today. So anyway…Shinji and Asuka are on their way to Dunkin Donuts to pick up some chai, ‘cause they really like chai. Blends with the acid fabulously. They were walking up to the door, when who do they bump into, but… Major Katsuragi, who was in for some Dunkachinos and crack. For some reason, they sold crack at Dunkin' Donuts. Crystal meth, too. Anyway, the Maj recognized them, and asked if they wanted to join her for a spot of tea at her favorite bookstore, to discuss works of literature. Then she forgot what she was saying and did a complete snap-roll into a parked car. Where she fell asleep. For now. Then Asuka ran up to her sleeping form and kicked her in the head, splitting her skull. Rei stated, “That’s not a very nice thing to do.” Asuka responded, “What the fuck do you care?” Rei only stared blankly, and said, “I don’t.” Asuka, realizing it was a stray dummy plug Rei clone, pulled out a shotgun and blew her face onto the wall across the street. The face said something, but as Rei speaks so quietly, no one could hear it. Shinji was just about to ask “What the fuck just happened?”, when suddenly… Asuka grabbed Shinji and proceeded to rape his pre-pubescent body. But then suddenly Heero Yui showed up, and shot Asuka in the head. It just bounced off her nearly impenetrable skull and ricocheted into the Dunkin' Donuts, where it killed the counter clerk, Galvatron...as played by Leonard Nimoy! But because it was Galvatron, nobody cared. Somewhere in the distance, Genie empathetically wept. And somewhere back in Stono Cross Eyed, Mojo laughed maniacally into an aneurism. Can’t tell whether he’s dead or not, as he’s a straw doll and all. Anyway, a blast reverberated through the land, while an Angel suddenly descended from the heavens! The angel was hideous! The body of a giant fucking dragon! A rabbit’s head in the middle! A cute little fairy head on the right, spitting fire! And the last head – a shark with a fucking laser beam attached to its head! Its codename…Spazzlyel! The 415th Angel! Most of the ones before her were low budget, and died relatively quickly! But she was state of the art! That's a lot of exclamation points! Shinji and Asuka stared for a moment, seemingly perplexed. Then they peed themselves, and ran for their EVAs. They were at the car-wash, which was conveniently located next to Dunkin' Donuts. Asuka made the first assault. She was kind of in the mood for ripping off the Angel’s face, but Spazzlyel had different plans. Spazzlyel bent over, and farted a wave of destruction at Asuka’s EVA. Asuka went ass over teakettle and sprawled out over an Amazing Savings, squashing it flat. YEEESSSSSSS! Not to be outdone, Shinji’s EVA ran into the fray, and did the Macarena over Asuka’s EVA. He then ran to Spazzlyel and bitch-slapped her in each of her hideous kawaii heads. Well, not the shark with the fucking laser beam attached to its head, but you get the idea. Spazzlyel shot her super-pinkie-toe death beam at Shinji. It hit him dead on, but did nothing more than tickle his EVA and make Shinji pee his pants. Again. He still isn’t house-trained. It’s not his fault. The EVA shat itself, by the way. It soiled itself directly on Spazzlyel! Her cute little fairy head was engulfed in a mass of EVA shit, and she screeched as her head melted into a pile of iridescent sparkly goo. And it smelled like…well, shit. Shinji saw the monumental carnage, and shot in his pants like a kid having his first wet dream. Wow…we're going to hell for that! Then Shinji peed himself. Again. Speaking of which, Asuka was pissed. “I hate when Shinji outdoes me!” she ranted. “I’ll find a stronger Angel, and beat the fuck out of it. And then I’ll finally be better than Shinji! I’ll finally be able to dine on lobster tails, with no panties on, because I feel like it!” That being said, she broke out her copy of the Necronomicon for Dummies©, and chanted the evil words to raise the Angel from the ashes of Amazing Savings. After chanting the incantation, she cried out “Come forth…Amaziel!” And Amaziel did come forth – and he was the size of a fucking city, and was made entirely of cannons. Asuka suddenly realized that Amazing Savings really had some good deals some of the time. Then she peed herself. Again. Amaziel pointed itself at Asuka’s EVA. She ejected her pod (you don’t want to know where from), right before her EVA was incinerated in a flash of nuclear destruction and old western movies. Asuka had to work fast – she needed to find another EVA. And what was parked at the Car Wash? It was none other than Optimus Prime! But he was being detailed, so he had no time to go out and save the world for these creepy kids and their biological mechas. Blecch. So, instead of taking Optimus with her to go whomp some Amaziel ass, she had to steal the Big O from Roger Smith, who was getting a Coffee Coolata. The Big O didn’t understand why a redhead with an overactive bladder was sitting in his chest, but he didn’t mind – he wanted to kick some ass, too. It. Whatever. Asuka looked out of the view port of Big O, and was disgusted by the antique feel of the controls, and the pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror. The 8 track player was busted, too. Big O turned to Amaziel to see that Shinji had already ripped it in half like a phone book. EVA Unit 1 was currently in the process of eating Amaziel’s remains to further its own Satanic powers. It then grew a 20 foot long boner, and proceeded to leap crotch-first at the Big O. The Big O really didn’t seem to care. Apparently it got its name for a reason, and took the vile metallic ass- raping with dignity and grace. This is quite possibly the only time you’ll ever actually see dignity and grace in any of these fics. Asuka, realizing that the Big O was temporarily disabled…ewww…jumped ship and ran for the True Value across the street, where she stumbled upon… Voltron, who was just sitting there while his gang was inside getting some industrial sized drums of Pennzoil for him. He had a hot date on Thursday. Wow, inside jokes are amazingly stupid to everyone else, aren't they? Anyway, Asuka jumped into Voltron's cock…pit, and started him up. Sigh...it. But she was perplexed – why did it have a key ignition and bicycle pedals? No matter. She maneuvered Voltron over to where Shinji’s EVA had just finished her Angel snack, when suddenly another Angel descended from the heavens. It, codenamed Sephariel, had flowing grayish hair and was wearing some weird blurpleish stuff. It fell on Shinji’s EVA. Ouch. It got up, and grabbed Voltron and tore it in half, spilling Asuka out onto the Checks Cashed next to True Value. Asuka was really fuckin’ pissed. She had to find something that wasn’t powered by fucking coal, man! She blew right past the whole fuckin' G-Force squadron. She couldn’t understand how the whole Battle of the Planets took place with wooden ships. She stumbled into a conveniently placed singles coffee shop/tire center. There, she ran back into Heero Yui. She proceeded to beat him to death with a giant vibrator she bought off some skeleton in an alley somewhere. She then stole the Wing Gundam. Ohh…it was niiiice. CD player with surround sound, cockpit DVD player, a cappuccino maker, ten willing pre-pubescent boys… And all the condoms a man-slut like Heero could ask for. The controls were off Windows 98, but at least the Wing Gundam had a cable modem. She rocketed towards Sephariel, pointing that giant fucking gun that the Wing Gundam has, directly at Sephariel's ambiguously gendered maw. But the safety was on, causing the gun to explode in a holocaust of white-hot fire and Jell-O pudding boxes. The Gundam managed to survive the diabetes-inducing onslaught. Sephariel, on the other hand, contracted acute hypoglycemia and went into diabetic shock almost instantaneously. Asuka was finally about to get some face-eating action on, when Shinji strode up to the Wing Gundam, piloting the Megas XLR. His EVA was squashed flat by Sephariel’s arrival, and he needed a new mech. Optimus Prime had better things to do, since its hair and nails appointment was at two PM. Anyway, Megas grabbed Wing Gundam. This was done rather jerkily, as Shinji had no idea how to drive a car or use a Playstation controller. Anyhoo, Megas took Wing Gundam’s arm and tore it off. Apparently Gundanium isn’t the strongest material in the universe. But anyway, Megas proceeded to beat the Gundam with its own arm into a pile of twisted metal and gummi worms. The sour ones. Yes, the same. Anyway, then Megas blew up, because it was a really crappy American-made mecha. Oops, are we poking fun at American wanna-be anime? Why, yes. Yes we are. Anyway, Shinji was thrown into the stratosphere by the blast, and is currently orbiting earth somewhere over Zimbabwe. And he ain’t too thrilled, I gotta tell ya. Anyway, Asuka and the Wing Gundam did the Macarena over the Megas, and the Wing Gundam peed motor oil on its still-steaming corpse. Yeah. Why not. Then out of the blue, the Bahamut 6 flew in low, trailing a cloud of steam behind it, and clipped the Wing Gundam on the elbow. Yeah, he still has one arm left. And the Wing Gundam’s still functioning…who knew? But anyway, Bahamut 6 was being piloted by Rei…or was it? The Wing Gundam was annoyed by Bahamut 6, and flicked it away like a noseeum. It exploded in a flurry of Mars Bars and AAA batteries. Asuka watched Rei’s corpse crumble into a pile of light blurple ash, then she creamed her pants. The Wet Dream Gang strikes again. Indeed. After the best post-destruction orgasm Asuka ever had, she looked down to see Rei staring up at her. Again. Panting, she stated, “How...the fuck...does this keep happening?” Rei, as usual, stated blankly, “I am Rei 23H.354654564651, the perfect one. And I shall defeat you! Weeow!” She then jumped into the RahZephon, and became Raziel, the angel not to be confused with the vampire of the same name. That took a breath! Anyway, Raziel flew to the Wing Gundam and cut both of its legs off with its freaky head wings. ‘Tis but a scratch! Raziel, knowing nothing of Monty Python, merely materialized a giant fucking sword, made entirely of fire. It then diced the Wing Gundam into bite sized pieces, and served it as snacks to the Idolo from Zone of Enders and Optimus Prime, who had just got a perm. No one saw Asuka after that, but the Idolo had a sinking feeling that it managed to eat her, since German food gave him agita. It...whatev. Anyway, Raziel decided that it wanted to get its hair frosted, because OP’s afro looked so nice. While they were kibitzing like two yentas, the skies darkened, and an ominous rumbling filled the air. Raziel looked up, but not in time. An enormous eyelash came whizzing out of the sky and squashed it into a potato pancake. Optimus looked up as well, and saw the most disturbing sight he…it…whatever…had ever seen. A planet sized mecha. In drag. And it had boobies. Big ones. And a penis. Wow. No, I mean that…wow. We scare ourselves. And others. God, we try. The giant mecha queen bellowed, ala Orson Welles, “I am Unicron, the First Angel.” Someone protested, “Hey! I thought Adam was the First Angel!”, but was instantly melted into a pile of boob mush. Speaking of boobs, Unicron’s left one itched something awful. When…it…looked down, it saw a muscle car wedged behind a peculiar looking mole. Unicron thought to itself, I ought to have that looked at. And in that split second of weakness, Optimus Prime flew out of nowhere and kicked Unicron in one of his ginormous mecha testicles. If he has mecha boobies, he could have mecha testicles too. We're still debating on whether or not to make the penis organic, but that might be too strange. Anyway, Shinji took this time to jump out of the Megas cockpit, and face-plant onto OP’s afro. It was...so soft. The moment Shinji made contact, OP’s chest plate opened, revealing the Autobot Matrix. Somewhere in the distance, You’ve Got The Touch played softly. Shinji merged with the Matrix, and OP became EVA Unit SS2UMMGCFALSA. Coincidentally, it resembled Gro-Jita. Not that you should confuse the two. Yanno. Anyway, Unicron wondered just how he was going to crush Shinji and Optimus Prime – sorry, EVA Unit SS2UMMGCFALSA – when he felt a tug on the hem of his pretty-pretty party dress. When he looked down, Rei stood at his gigundous feet. “May I, Rei number 1, use you, Unicron, to destroy the false EVA? Not that I care, or anything.” Unicron pondered this a moment, then figured…why the fuck not. Besides, Bingo was banned in this fic. He allowed Rei to climb him to his cockpit – this took four years, mind – and suddenly he transformed into the final Angel…Lampooniel. Lampooniel ran to EVA Unit SS2UMMGCFALSA and attempted to palm thrust it in the face-plate. Gro-Jita Prime merely ducked its head, and Lampooniel’s hand bounced off its afro and ricocheted into his own head. The movement caused three more falsies to flake off his eyes, crushing New York, Tokyo, and Weehawken. EVA Unit SS2UMMGCFALSA put his hands together, and began chanting the solemn, sacred words: “NA-BE-HA-ME…HAA!” A white hot burst of ridiculosity burst forth, and sizzled Lampooniel’s left mecha testicle and the mole on his boobie. He had time to think, Well, now, that was helpful...but then… Launch apparated into the fic, and she was piloting an enormous mecha…and the mecha was none other than…Ershin from BoF 4! Giant sized! Lampooniel and EVA Unit SS2UMMGCFALSA Optimus Prime Gro-Jita (wow, what an acronym!) turned towards the giant trash can, and just stared, seemingly perplexed. Then they both peed themselves, causing tidal destruction throughout Indo-China and Australia. And Rhode Island. Not that anyone noticed. Launch grabbed a megaphone, popped Ershin’s top, and shouted, “I remember a time when mechas weren’t all about nuclear destruction! They were about kittens, and thrift store shopping, and farfalle. Especially farfalle!” Then, Ershin’s top closed, and the giant robot stated, “Now DIE! Says Launch.” Ershin then took the position for her Super Combo. Salvaging the PS2 controller from the Megas, she was able to pull off a Hyper Grand God Magnum. In case you don’t know, this is the best combo you can get. First, Ershin’s fist flew off, striking OP SS2UMMGCFALSA Gro-Jita right in the face, knocking out a few teeth… We know what you're thinking. We always know what you're thinking. You are so damned easy to read. You're thinking: Teeth? You gave a robot TEETH? Fine…mecha teeth. Happy? Anyway, after the first shot, all hell broke loose. Her volley of hits went from flaming chainsaws, to revolver eyed kittens coated in crystal meth, all the way up to nuclear warheads. When the dust cleared, nothing remained except for a mysteriously resurrected Amazing Savings. Then Launch accidentally hit the Trash Compactor button inside Ershin, and was never to be seen again. Probably until our next Stoners fic. The end. -=-=-=-=-=-   "Dude, that sucked," said Kagome as she clicked the Trinitron off. "How could they justify killing Galvatron off so early?" "Megatron had Galvatron'ed by the second movie...what are you talking about?" Inuyasha upended his popcorn box over his mouth, spilling the contents on his head. "Galvatron stuck around for longer than you think. Are you high?" Kagome shrugged. "I dunno. Wanna go blow up Michael Bay's house?" Inuyasha shrugged gamely. "Why not? Bingo was canceled tonight, anyway." Fin! ***** Materia Doesn't Go There! ***** Chapter Notes Jeez. Things are getting decidedly...weird in our little universe. Since you've come this far, you know that it's thoroughly NSFW and should not, under any circumstances, be read to your adolescent pets or rock garden. Especially your rock garden. See the end of the chapter for more notes How do, y’all? Welcome to another fucked up Stoners fic. We just don’t know when to give up, do we? Personally, we think FFVII made no sense to begin with. If we twist any more nonsense out of this thing, it’ll rip the fabric of the universe. And not in a cool Star Trek way. If we rip the fabric of the universe any more, it’s gonna disintegrate. And if we disintegrate the fabric of the universe anymore…well, I dunno. But it’ll probably suck. Hmm…nah. If you couldn’t tell by the title, this fic (if you choose to call it that) will be centered on FFVII’s ridiculous materia system, and the misuse thereof. Or...so it was when we first started writing it. Not to mention the various slash and het sex scenes thrown in for farts and giggles. And today the story takes place at the recently re-opened Evil Starbucks…the president of this evil corporation was none other than Kiyone! Evil Kiyone, who incidentally won’t be appearing in this fic anymore, because we don’t know where the hell to put a god-damned Tenchi Universe character into a FFVII fic. Anyhoo…The Evilbucks, conveniently located in the fuckin’ Crater, was having a big sale. – which meant the prices were doubled for no apparent reason. Cloud, only saw the word ‘sale’ and shoved the rest of the party into his pocket…because where the hell else do they go? Tifa wrinkled her nose when she was placed in the pocket. “Eew…what is that smell? It’s like something died in here!” She stopped complaining when she saw why Aerith conveniently disappeared at the Petrified Grotto. “EW! Cloud, I told you to bury her body!” Cloud responded: “I did. You never told me to bury her in the ground!” Tifa stared dumbfounded at the top of the pocket, and proceeded to vomit all over herself. This oddly aroused Barret. And why not? He deserved it. For the longest time we thought he was the token black dude in the game, and only purpose was to say, “DAMN!” He also has the right to say, “This shit is wack.” But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve good lovin’ too. Unfortunately, before he had the chance to act on said lovin’, there was a horrible explosion…outside of the pocket, mind you. Apparently, Cloud decided to cut through the desert where the Gold Saucer was to get to the Starbucks. Ruby Weapon ripped its way out of the ground and faced Avalanche…well, Cloud and his pocketful of people. Cloud dragged Cid and Cait Sith’s Mog out of his pocket by their nipples, and plopped them in front of Ruby. For some reason, Cid was naked, and pissed off. Like you didn’t see that coming. The pissy thing, not the naked thing. I don't think even Cid saw the naked thing coming. Cloud blinked at Cid, and said, “What the hell? Why the fuck are you naked? And you were in my pocket too…eew, I feel violated.” “I think the problem is you don’t feel violated, Cloud,” said Cid, who then proceeded to grow a three foot long boner, and forced Cloud to give him head. Cloud, oddly enough, didn’t die from this, and despite his distended mouth and throat, had a look of satisfaction. The Mog stared off into space, as it’s basically a motorized wheelchair for a stupid animatronics Scottish fairy cat. Speaking of which, where the fuck is he? Maybe he’s in the pocket along with whoever was the reason why Cid was bare- assed in the first fucking place. Cait Sith stared at Tifa and Yuffie, while they tried to set a fire to cremate Aerith’s moldering carcass. The two girls then realized that because Cait Sith was basically a machine, they began stripping his gears to find the video camera buried up his ass. Cait Sith didn’t mind. At Shin-Ra Headquarters, Reeve popped a boner. Anyway… Outside the pocket, the desert had fallen into an underground grotto where Emerald and Sapphire Weapons were taking a bath together. Uh-oh. Yeah. That about covers our feelings about it, too. Anyway, using the Mog as an island, Cid continued to mouth fuck Cloud with his moose cock. Ruby, being a desert creature, took that time to drown. Emerald blinked at this, and then Sapphire Weapon mounted him from behind. Whee. Weapon love. So very wrong. Emerald, wondering whether either of them was equipped for such actions, just went with the moment. Meanwhile…INSIDE POCKET…! Things were getting kinda hot in the pocket…and not from a yuri-tacular pile in one of the darkened corners of Cloud’s pocket, either. That comes later. Aerith’s funeral bier was burning out of control, and each of the members of Avalanche had to take turns pissing on it to put the fire out. When it came to Vincent’s turn, he transformed into Galian Beast and engulfed Yuffie in his tsunami of piss. After the blaze was put out, they had to draw straws to see who got the dubious honor of giving mouth to mouth to a piss-drowned Yuffie. They couldn’t decide, so they just let her die. Anyway… In the other corner of Cloud’s pocket, Barret muttered ‘damn’ to himself, and decided this pocket wasn’t for him. So he unleashed Big Shot, blowing the pocket clear off of the pair of pants. Crap, he thought to himself, that wasn’t what I wanted to happen, as a piss-deluge forced him out of the pocket post- haste onto a strange fuzzy pinkish-white island. There he saw Cid and Cloud. He noticed the hole in the back of Cloud’s pants, and grew a giant boner of his own. “I’m gonna treat you right, Whitebread,” he said, and using maple syrup for lube began to fist fuck Cloud. INSIDE POCKET! We know what you're thinking. What pocket? It burst off the pants! It’s basically a scrap of fabric at this point. We know. Just go with it. Anyway, the pocket/fabric scrap was on the ground and for no reason whatsoever burned a hole in the grotto floor. The pants pocket; Barret and Cid tag-teaming Cloud; dead, piss-soaked, burned Aerith and the denizens of said pocket fell through the hole…and for some reason unknown to anyone (except for Aerith, and she ain’t talking), they landed on the roller coaster at the Gold Saucer. Since Cid had motion sickness on roller coasters, he barfed on Cloud’s head, which turned Cloud on immensely. Then, INSIDE POCKET (where this was supposed to go in the first frigging place) Tifa and Vincent tried to wrestle their way out of the pee-pee soaked fabric. In their efforts, their clothes burst from their bodies. Tifa’s titanic tatas caused Vincent to transform into a very naked Hellmasker. Then…Diamond Weapon, wearing a gold g-string, began dancing for his fellow Weapons…go-go style…to the Hava Negila of all things! This caused Sapphire’s head to blow clear off his body, leaving Emerald rather disappointed. Diamond gazed into Emerald’s eyes, which was hard to do all at once, as he does have four of ‘em…and Emerald, not really sure whether or not Diamond had eyes, stared at his giant “cannon” and leapt onto the other Weapon. As roller coasters aren’t meant to hold the weight of two living Weapons, one dead one, a party of nymphos and a pocket, it collapsed and crashed down until nothing remained but half of the fat chocobo, a Mallomar, and a reddish materia of some sort. Yuffie – sensing materia to steal – possessed Aerith’s burnt, piss- soaked, relatively unhappy corpse and tried to escape the pocket. Meanwhile…INSIDE the impossibly surviving POCKET…! Tifa, confused because something was supposed to happen between her and Hellmasker in the previous paragraph, stared into the now-nearly empty dark corners of what used to be the pocket. From the depths of the closest darkened corner, she heard a masculine voice say: “Yo.” She was really confused. What the hell was Reno doing in Cloud’s pocket? And, as her night-eyes strengthened, she wondered why he was naked too. She decided to surprise Reno in the confines of Cloud’s pocket and eat his face, because she felt like it, and because Bingo was canceled in this pocket. Anyway, Vincent (as Hellmasker) decided to rip his way out of the pocket and see what his man-meat was doing. When he got out, he got raging jealous when he saw Cid raping Cloud’s throat (and his internal organs for that matter, three foot long pecker and all). He decided that even though some fan-girls love the Cloud/Vincent pair up, he was going to execute Cloud for taking his place. When Cid saw his bitch exit the now shredded pocket, he said: “Sexy nipples! My heart pumps grape jelly into my nether regions for you. Your ass begs for a hamster, and I happen to have one in my pocket!” Then realizing his pants were in Cloud's shredded pocket, dove back through the chainsaw hole. Cloud took this time to puke up about five gallons of pre-cum, his liver, pancreas, an old TV guide, and Cid’s pants (?). And yes, he’s still not dead. Barret, having his dick cut off from Cloud's intense muscle contractions, proceeded to run into a cave to die. He realized the 'cave' was in fact Sapphire Weapon’s exposed windpipe. Being dead and all, old Sapphi didn’t really mind. As Undead Yuffaerith made it to the top of the pocket, she returned to normal size, crushing Tifa. The pocket then burst in a rush of reddish goo, piss, Aerith flakes, and a very large underwire bra. OUTSIDE POCKET (though there only is an outside pocket now…) Outside the pocket, a rather confused Hellmasker re-transformed into Vincent, and saw that there was a vacated orifice on Cloud’s body, and whipped out his mighty two and a half inch penis. Cloud took one look at his teeny-weeny peeny and began cracking up. Vincent got so pissed at Cloud that he transformed into Chaos (complete with a mammoth five foot long pecker that appeared to move on its own accord and breathe fire) and shoved his mammoth man-meat into Cloud’s mouth. The pecker split Cloud neatly down the middle, spraying gore and farfalle as he fell. It’s amazing how you can do something like that neatly. When the two halves of Cloud fell, a smallish black lump plopped out of his torn anus. It looked like Barret’s pecker, but it was really the Black Materia! WOO HOO! And from this little lump of bleeding flesh…Sephiroth popped free and began cackling maniacally. “Mwa hah-hah! You morons thought you could outwit the likes of me, Sephiroth? Not very bloody likely! Now die!” Launch then took that opportunity to Apparate into this fic, and said, “Hey! That’s my line! YOU die!” She then took her Uzi out of her pocket and attempted to cut Sephiroth in half, but her bullets did nothing except tickle Sephiroth and made Cloud’s corpse halves wet themselves. At that point during the festivities, Cid extricated himself from the tattered people pocket. He was wearing hamster skins as clothing, and hamster bones as armor. He held the terrified hamster he pulled from his pocket (and not from the pants that Cloud regurgitated) over his head, and yelled: “Cry out CHEEBER; and let slip the hamsters of war!” Then… Ultima Weapon, rather nonplussed by his lack of cameos in this fic, cried out, “You not hungry for Weapon, you hungry for HOT POCKETS!” Then, it blasted the two remaining Weapons, reducing Diamond to a heaping pile of silver glitter…and g-strings…and Tonberry lanterns. One of Emerald’s eyes popped out from the shot, and Ultima began to skull fuck him, with his fucking sword! Emerald got so hot from this that it Aire-Tam Stormed the Nibelheim Amazing Savings. As it was currently overstocked on materia, the Amazing Savings exploded in a holocaust of Bolt 3, Faberge eggs, a single dented toaster, and the rest of the Turks. Oh yeah…there was fire and stuff too…Anyway, after the catastrophic splooge-fest, Ultima told Emerald that he…it…loved…it, but wasn’t in love with…it. Then Emerald peed itself. Sephiroth, Cid, Vincent, Undead Yuffaerith, and the strangely surviving Mog dummy stared at the ridiculous sight until the authors decided to write again. INSIDE…oh wait…STILL OUTSIDE POCKET! Rude rose from the ashes of the Nibelheim Amazing Savings like a malevolent phoenix! He looked at the gaggle of gawking goons and said: “Hmph. Where’s Reno?” He doesn’t talk much. Cid, as he was shoving a rather embarrassed, greased hamster up Vincent’s ass, turned to Rude and said: “He’s in the pocket…waitin’ fer me. He don’t want you anymore, Sweetbuns.” Rude, jealous beyond belief, stuck his head in the tattered chainsaw hole. Cid grinned maniacally. Cid’s no ijit. When Rude buried his shiny bald head in the hole, Zombie Yuffaerith ripped off his scalp and ate his brains…and then stole the materia off his Ziedrich. Before his ability to think dwindled to nothing, Rude thought: Mama said there be days like this…I’m glad I traded all my G.I. Joe action figures in for that Ginsu knife collection.Now who’s gonna trim Tseng’s nose hairs? Daisy…Daisy…give me your answer, do…bluh. Yes, he thought the word ‘bluh’. Anyway, when the headless – soon to be zombified, natch – corpse of Rude fell out of the chainsaw hole, a strange rumbling filled the air. Suddenly Headless Sapphire Weapon and Drowned Ruby Weapon burst from the ground, and did the Fusion Dance. From their fusion, a large, Afroed mecha appeared in a burst of white light and plastic Hawaiian leis. It, code-named EVA unit SS2UMMGCFALSA Optimus Prime Guile-Jita Weapon (sheesh!), was strangely being piloted by a small, undead, ambiguously gendered creature with long gray hair, a stab wound, and a pocketful of materia. Yuffaeroth (the result of Yuffaerith’s and Sephiroth’s own Fusion Dance) was burnt, zombified, piss- soaked, peeved, and out of its fucking melon. Whew. OUTSIDE VINCENT’S ANUS! Vincent wondered if he had made it to thirty two or thirty three hamsters, and decided to push them out. The resulting deluge of rodents washed away Zombie Rude, Sapphire Weapon’s head (…where’d that come from?), and Cid. The giant zombie/Weapon/hamster pile then did a fusion dance with itself (?), forming a giant Red XIII…with an Amazing Savings and an Evilbucks on top of it! Sitting on top of the crimson, wet dog-smelling monstrosity was none other than Evil Kiyone! She said to the authors: “Who do you two assholes think you are? Open up one of my shops in your fic, and you don’t even let me get a cameo? DO YOU KNOW WHAT REAL ESTATE COSTS IN THE CRATER? I HAD BOTH OF MY KIDNEYS REMOVED AND I HAD TO SELL MY WORLD OF WARCRAFT ACCOUNT! CHEESE ON TOAST IS STICKY FACE-DOWN!” That being said, she raised the prices in Evilbucks so high that Wutai went to war with Shinra…again. SS2UMMGCFALSA-OP WEAPON was obliterated by a Mako cannon made of toothpicks, Cheez Doodles, and fucking rainbows! WHEE! Giant Red XIII was taken out by a barrage of Chinese firecrackers and ramen…though I’m not really sure how. Upon his collapse, the Amazing Savings collided with the Cheez Doodle cannon, eradicating Midgar. The Evilbucks didn’t outright destroy Wutai, but its economy was so shot that they had to eat themselves to survive. Which they didn’t. Then, Gigundus XIII exploded into one million inside-out hamsters; Jude Law; a hole; and living Cloud, Tifa, Cid, and a Chocobo. Tifa mouthed a silent what the fuck? and punched herself in the face until it resembled orange pulp. CHOOSE A POCKET…OR ANUS! Jude Law decided that Evil Kiyone was a snarky bitch, and threw TEN MILLION Gil at her. She suffered 9,999 points of damage, smirked, and pointed at the strange reddish materia in Yuffaeroth’s moldering hand. It shook slightly, glowed, and suddenly the Tarot Card reading rabbit popped out of it. It shrugged at Launch (who was still there…we almost forgot about her) and pulled a PSOne controller from Vincent’s anus. The resulting spatial vacuum caused Vincent’s left eyeball to grow to about seven times its normal size, then pop with a sound like a whoopee cushion. Pocky (still wrapped and boxed) poured out of the hole. Because it was too weird even for the creepy little over- stimulated, over-sugared brats that hang out in our fics for just this occurrence, the little bastards steered clear of the biscuit stick/chocolatey goodness fountain that Vincent’s eye socket had become. The rabbit smiled sweetly and put in a few Gameshark codes into the PSX and brought back Barret and Aerith and for some reason the other half of the fat chocobo. Reno (who never croaked in the first place) decided to wear Undead Yuffaeroth as a hat, but Yuffaeroth decided to eat Reno. Silly Reno. Anyway, the rabbit and Jude Law and Undead Yuffaeroth loaded up Killer Instinct: FFVII edition and everyone in the Evilbucks were whisked once again to the Petrified Grotto. Then, The Tarot Card reading rabbit/Razzly…the FUCKING MONSTER/Skeletor/Pixy Misa (or any dumb magical girl/girly reference you can think of) used Orchid’s No Mercy Boob Flash move on Reno’s corpse. He didn’t seem to mind. It then proceeded to devour Tifa and Aerith, forming ANOTHER SEPHAERITH! He/she/it then sneezed, turning into Launch. Launch looked into other Launch’s eyes…and magic happened. Cue sappy love music. Where have I heard that before? Launch looked into Launch’s eyes, and then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! Launch fused with Launch…becoming KARSH! Karsh looked on the remaining characters and said: “My car is made entirely of cotton candy! When giving mouth to mouth to mouth, hold the nose! My asshole has a frozen Twinkie in it! And it's stuck! I think I'm going to wear stilts to the next Renaissance faire! DIE!” He then sneezed the whole Tenchi series onto our universe, thereby crushing it! Then…the entire cast of FFXII characters showed up! Basch, Vaan and Balthier dragged Ashe, Penelo, and Fran the Viera-Half-Naked- Bunny-Chick over by their nipples and tried to get a decent Mist Knack Chain going. Unfortunately, every last one of them drank waaaaaay too much Bhujerban Madhu, so all they could manage was a giant drunken orgy (and all the horny fan-girls go: SQUEEEEEEEEE!). Every single possible pair-up was experimented with, and Basch, being the resident blonde sex-pot (complete with battle- shorts, hobo armor, frilly undershirt, and a keyhole), had a little bit of everyone…except for Larsa, because shota is icky. Ahh, who the hell are we kidding – Larsa got some too. Suddenly Vaan pointed to Tenchi who – because we said so – is here in this fic. Vaan screamed (in a screamy voice), “Oh my God! What the hell is that coming out of his ass?” Tenchi stood apart from the milling throng of FFXII characters (all in various stages of undress), and had a dead, half-burnt lobster hanging out of his hands and lobster shit dripping out of his anus. Apparently, he used the lobster’s tail as a sex toy, and lit the poor lobster’s face on fire so that its tail would writhe. Little did Tenchi know that the lobster shat in his man-gina. He also didn’t know that his man-gina was at the perfect pH to hatch the mud shrimp that were lodged in the lobster’s feces. Suddenly a flood of thousands of grown mud shrimp slid from his anus and his stomach exploded, spewing the cast of FFXII with crap and writhing shrimp bodies. Balthier barfed all over Ashe’s head, and Fran decided to run away to Guam to find Julio. He changed her oil…he changed it GOOD. Ooh, vintage! Then… Vayne Solidor Terra Flared himself and Larsa, hence ending their cameos in this fic. Vaan, Penelo, and Balthier then used the Tenchi plot-line’s Light Wings on Tenchi…reducing him to nothing but another anally lodged lobster, and some Tarot cards. “Wait!” Vaan screamed, “You can’t be alive! You’re just a fucking plot device, for the love of god! You can’t do this to us!” But the rabbit had other ideas…another lobster burst from Lobster Tenchi’s nether region, forming Cuchulainn, the Impure. He proceeded to burst violently on the remaining survivors. The following aftermath spread a massive outbreak of Hepatitis C, as well as the Ebola virus. It consumed the rabbit, the Tenchi universe, the Final Fantasies, anime, the Jerry Springer show, and my already limited panty collection…The resulting disease ate the Evilbucks Corp., turning it into Evil Wal-Mart, bankrupting all but Christopher St., N.Y.…which we won’t touch for (more or less) obvious reasons. The end…ish? Mwaa! You would think that was the end, wouldn’t you? But…! From the fecal matter of the disease that ate Evilbucks rose none other than Amazing Savings! Again! And who stood on top of Amazing Savings? Undead Rude, that’s who! I TOLD YOU HE WAS COMING BACK! WRYYYYY! He opened his mouth, and said: “Nnraaargh! Braaains!” Erm…he is undead, ya know. But anyway, after he got the whole ‘braaains’ thing out of the way, then he said: “How the fuck do you end a FFVII fic without FFVII in it? Why are my ears picking up infrared waves? I can’t feel my arms and legs! Where the hell is my flan! I want my eyes to bleed motor oil! I want some farfalle, God damn it!” Then the universe imploded, leaving nothing in its wake but Bejita’s really frickin’ pointy lock of hair, the top of Washuu’s head, Tsunami’s cabbit- poisoned leg, Sasami’s cheese ear, Haru’s head-dick, the Celestine Prophecy, tons of hot ash, the Starship Enterprise, Pixy Stix, Basch’s keyhole, a catbus, and a pile of sticky pink goo! The goo said, “Mata ne! Dong-dong!” -=-=-=-=-=- Meanwhile, during sexy time, Kagome raised her head and said, “What the hell was that?” Inuyasha responded, “I don’t know…but my ass sure hurts!” Myouga knew why…but he wasn’t telling. THE END! Chapter End Notes Orpheus: Hey…thanks for supporting us. Kissy: We love you all. Mata ne! END SEASON 1! Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!