Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/226087.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Jonas_Brothers
  Relationship:
      Nick_Jonas/Kevin_Jonas
  Character:
      Nick_Jonas, Kevin_Jonas, Joe_Jonas, David_Archuleta
  Additional Tags:
      Incest, Angst, RPF, Originally_Posted_on_LiveJournal
  Series:
      Part 4 of The_Right_Decision
  Stats:
      Published: 2009-02-08 Words: 3736
****** Start To Come Alive ******
by poppyfields13
Summary
     They tell themselves what they’re doing is just experimentation. They
     both know it isn’t.
     Part of "The Right Decision" universe, but can be read as a stand
     alone.
Notes
     The characters within are only based on real people, this is purely
     fiction and I am not implying events within to be occurrences in real
     life.
Honestly? Nick Jonas was angry about his brother dating David Archuleta. That
Joe was gay. He had been so secretive about it… and the fact Kevin had known
about it for ages and they had both kept it from him? It made him angry.
So, maybe he was being irrationally rude to David whenever the boy was visiting
Joe at their house, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t like that David is
hanging around all the time.
But, at least Nick was actually talking to David, however rude it was. Giving
Joe the silent treatment was the worst possible punishment the second oldest
brother could get. He couldn’t stand it when people ignored him, so that’s what
Nick was doing.
Nick was still being rather short with Kevin, as well. He hated when his
brothers treated him differently for being younger. Like, he was some sort of
baby that couldn’t handle the news that, hey, his brother’s gay.
Also, Nick was just… confused about his brother’s apparent revelation. Not
because he couldn’t understand it. He could, and it stirred up strange feelings
inside him. It was weird but, well, Nick had often found himself wondering
about what it would be like to be with a guy. He’d wondered if he, himself, was
gay. Now he felt like… like Joe got there first, and how could Nick be gay too,
if Joe was?
He felt jealous of Joe, not for the first time in his life. Why did Joe have to
always steal his thunder? And then, with Kevin, he just felt like the
consolation prize. Joe had David so he didn’t need Nick or Kevin any more. So,
Kevin started hanging out with Nick heaps more, instead. Or maybe it wasn’t
more; it just felt like it without Joe there. In any case, Nick and Kevin had
been hanging out alone a lot. Nick didn’t hate that, but he got this insecure
feeling that Kevin wished he was with Joe instead.
“When are you going to start talking to Joe again?” Kevin asked him one day, a
few days before they were set to go off on tour.
Nick shrugged, sullenly. “I haven’t decided.”
“Nick, you should probably, like, forgive him before we go on tour. I really
don’t want to be on the bus 24/7 with you two acting this way.”
“Well, I’m sorry to inconvenience you,” Nick pouted.
Kevin sighed heavily. “Nick… come on. Joe said David is coming over tonight and
it’s the last time Joe’s gonna be able to see him before the tour. They could
be spending that time alone, but Joe says he wants us to all hang out together.
Please, will you?”
Nick looked up to Kevin’s pleading face and couldn’t help but relent, even
though he really didn’t want to do it. “Maybe,” he said. Kevin smiled because
he knew that always meant ‘yes’.
When David got there, they ordered pizza, like the first time he came over.
Nick came down the stairs only when he could hear them (well, Joe) making a
bunch of noise in the kitchen. When he walked into the room there was an
awkward silence, until David broke it but saying hello to him, as politely as
ever.
“Hey,” Nick grunted. He sat down on a chair at the kitchen bench and instantly
Kevin went and sat beside him. He felt the oldest boy squeeze his knee under
the bench. It was, like, a thank you squeeze, and Nick realised he was mainly
doing this for Kevin’s benefit.
When the pizza arrived they took it into the living room and Joe was about to
put on one of his favourite movies, some comedy movie that no-one else really
thought was very funny, but David said, “Why don’t you let Nick choose?”
Joe looked up and eagerly agreed. “Yeah, you should choose, Nick!”
Nick’s first reaction was to refuse, because they were treating him like such a
baby, but of course he had to look over at Kevin in that moment and Kevin gave
him an encouraging nod.
So, he chose a movie he knew Kevin really liked. Not sure if he chose it for
that reason, or because in doing so he wasn’t choosing something for himself,
therefore not complying with Joe and David’s attempts at getting him to
participate.
He scowled pretty much all through the first half, hardly even watching,
because his eyes were stuck to David and Joe whose bodies were intertwined on
the other couch. But, as he continued to watch them he couldn’t help but notice
that they really did kind of seem in love with each other. He could see it in
the way Joe unconsciously massaged his hands through David’s hair, and how
David’s hand continuously rubbed up and down Joe’s arm.
Nick kind of stopped being angry then. He just became extremely sad. He
wondered if he would ever be able to experience that. With anyone – either a
girl or a boy.
After the movie David and Joe excused themselves and Nick said goodnight to
them with surprisingly little malice.
He and Kevin continued to sit in the living room, in silence, until finally,
Kevin spoke. “What are you thinking about?” he asked.
Nick shook his head, “It’s nothing.”
“You can tell me,” Kevin persisted.
Nick sighed. “Have you ever, like… thought about being with… a guy?”
Kevin’s eyes widened, clearly surprised. He turned his attention to the now
blank television screen. “Have you?”
“I asked you first.”
Kevin paused, then, “I guess I have, yeah.”
Nick’s stomach twisted. “Really?”
Kevin turned his head and looked at Nick. “Isn’t it, I don’t know, normal? To
be curious?”
Nick bit his lip. “So, it was just curiosity?”
Kevin shrugged. “Your turn.”
Nick turned away. “I’ve thought about it.”
Kevin didn’t respond. They just sat in silence for what felt like a painfully
long time, without daring to look at each other. Then Kevin stood up and said,
“Goodnight” gruffly, and left the room.
Nick didn’t have time to reply before Kevin was gone. He sat wondering why it
had turned so weird between them. Yeah, it was a weird conversation, but it
turned weird in a different sort of way. Nick had always been able to confess
pretty much anything to Kevin, to get advice from him, and never ever feel
rejected.
He felt rejected in that moment. He didn’t really know why, but it hurt, a lot.
                                      ---
Nick hated that it was suddenly tense between him and Kevin. Especially since,
despite the whole family being crammed on a tour bus together, Joe still spent
most of his time talking to David whenever he could, on his cell phone or
laptop.
So, Nick was stuck between hanging out with his parents, Frankie or Kevin. As
much as he loved the other members of his family, he longed for Kevin’s
company.
Nick was actually feeling really inspired to write during those hours spent on
the bus, and he liked writing with Kevin. He was so easy to work with, to
bounce ideas around with. He never criticised, he never directed, only
suggested. The perfect writing partner. But, Kevin didn’t seem to want to do
anything with Nick all of a sudden.
They had a day off, after about a week of the tour, so after their show that
night instead of getting straight back on the bus, they got to stay in a hotel
for the whole night.
When Nick was all showered and in his pyjamas, instead of getting into bed, he
left his room and walked across the hall, knocking on the door he knew Kevin
was behind. Kevin must have looked through the peephole to see who it was,
because he had a deliberately impassive expression on his face when he opened
the door.
“I’m really tired Nick…” he started but trailed off when Nick ignored him and
strolled into the room.
“Why don’t you want to hang out with me any more?” Nick asked bluntly, because
he had always been honest with how he felt around Kevin.
“Of course I do,” Kevin said instantly.
“It doesn’t seem like it.”
Kevin sighed heavily and looked away. “I’m sorry.”
Nick sat down on the edge of the bed and watched his brother stare determinedly
at his shoes. “I mean, I don’t get it. You’ve been really weird since I said
I’ve thought about being with guys before, and you said yourself that you have
too, and you don’t mind that Joe is gay, so why does it bother you that I might
be, too?”
“No, Nick, it doesn’t bother me. You know I love you no matter what!”
“Then why…?”
“I haven’t meant to avoid you. It’s just… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does. I hate us not being close.”
“I hate it, too.”
“Yeah right. You only hang out with me because Joe’s too busy with David,” Nick
said bitterly.
“That’s not true! Where did that come from?”
Nick shrugged, suddenly reticent. Kevin sat down beside him. Nick could feel
Kevin’s expectant eyes on him, and so he finally spoke, “Have you really been
curious about other guys?”
Kevin shifted, apparently uncomfortable. “Yeah…”
“I’m so confused,” Nick said. “I thought that maybe I was gay, but then Joe was
all… and now I don’t know. Maybe it’s just curiosity. Like you.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” Kevin said with a hint of irony.
“You’ve never done anything, though, right?” Nick asked.
Kevin shook his head. “Who would I have done it with?”
“We could try it,” Nick suddenly blurted out. It really felt like it came out
of nowhere, he barely even thought it before it came tumbling out if his mouth,
and he couldn’t prevent himself from saying it.
“What?” Kevin asked, looking thoroughly scared.
“Nothing,” Nick said quickly.
Had he really said that? They’re brothers. But, they would only be trying it,
experimenting. It would be okay to experiment on your brother, right? Like
Kevin said, who else is he gonna try it with?
Kevin just sat staring at him, speechless. And just like his instantaneous
desire to speak, suddenly, Nick leaned forward and pressed his lips to his
older brother’s mouth. He pulled away immediately and stared back into Kevin’s
eyes, searching for a response.
Kevin’s eyes were shocked and scared. But also, excited. “Nick,” he whispered.
Nick had the desire to kiss him again. A primal need, without a care for
consequences.
Kevin whimpered and clutched at Nick desperately. He pushed his tongue into
Nick’s mouth and Nick accepted it hungrily. Nick raked his hands up Kevin’s
back, randomly clutching at his shirt and fistfuls of his hair.
Kevin leaned Nick back so that he was lying on the bed, ceasing his kissing
only to move his mouth to Nick’s jaw, neck, shoulders. And Nick didn’t care. He
would let Kevin do whatever he wanted.
Nick wanted to give everything to his brother. He wanted Kevin to possess him,
only him. So, it would be the two of them and no-one else. He wanted them to
have a secret.
Kevin straddled Nick’s hips and in an instant he had removed Nick’s shirt. It
was all happening so fast, but Nick had already decided he was going to let it,
so he did.
He only flinched a little bit when Kevin reached down to Nick’s waistband.
Kevin stopped, “Um, is this alright?” he asked breathlessly.
“Does this count as… sex? I mean, real sex?” Nick asked. He didn’t look into
Kevin’s eyes.
“We’re just… experimenting,” Kevin said. “No, it doesn’t count.” He removed
Nick’s pants, and his underwear.
Nick couldn’t help but think God probably wouldn’t want them doing this, even
if it was just experimenting. It didn’t stop him though. Even if it was wrong,
he didn’t care.
There was something that he didn’t like about Kevin saying that it didn’t
count, though, because, honestly, Nick knew he probably wouldn’t be able to do
it with anyone else. He wished Kevin felt that way too. Nick really didn’t want
Kevin to be doing it just because he thought that Nick was his only option.
Because, Kevin was Nick’s first and only choice.
Kevin removed his own clothing, as well, and then lay down beside Nick. When he
did this, though, he turned very calm, and his fingers drifted over Nick’s skin
reverently. Nick let him, and watched, seeing how Kevin’s face glowed with
something more than just pure interest.
Nick felt his body reacting, and when Kevin finally touched him there, he
gasped. Then he leaned into Kevin and began kissing him again, and he clumsily
slipped his fingers around Kevin’s length, in return.
They lay like that, facing each other, and stroking each other until they came.
Nick was first, and it felt amazing. Everything Kevin had done was amazing, and
Nick’s orgasm was the most intense thing he had ever felt.
When he had recovered slightly, he started to pump Kevin again, as he had
inadvertently stopped, and it was only a few strokes before Kevin was coming
all over Nick’s stomach, as well.
What Nick liked the most, though, was that they continued to kiss. Nick knew
that the kissing had nothing to do with the experimenting. But when it was
over, they pretended it did.
Kevin got up and wordlessly went into the bathroom, to clean up. When he was
finished, Nick did the same. When Nick came out of the bathroom Kevin was
dressed and flicking through channels on the TV.
Nick put his pyjamas on and then climbed onto the bed beside Kevin, their
bodies not touching. “What are you watching?” he asked.
“Nothing good,” Kevin replied, and continued to surf.
Nick snuggled down and closed his eyes. A few minutes later Kevin turned the
light off and did the same thing. Even if Nick hadn’t been pretending to sleep,
he didn’t think Kevin would have kicked him out. He made some ‘sleeping’ noises
and snuggled closer to Kevin, smiling when Kevin wrapped his arms around him.
                                      ---
They didn’t talk about it the next day. Or the day after their next day off,
when it happened again. Or the time after that. But, suddenly, it felt like Joe
was hanging around them too much. Nick felt so irritated when Kevin would
invite Joe along to do something with them. Nick didn’t want Kevin to want to
spend time with anyone other than him.
He got even more annoyed when Joe would agree. They thought Nick was still
grouchy at Joe about the David thing, but really, it was because he wished Joe
would go away.
He knew he couldn’t tell Kevin about how he felt, though, because, what was
going on between them was only supposed to be ‘experimentation’, every time it
happened, Kevin would make sure that Nick knew that.
But, Nick couldn’t help but think Kevin sounded like he was just trying to
convince himself more than anything. Nick had long ago given up telling himself
it was just experimentation. In fact, he’d never really believed it was, to
begin with.
They were lying on Kevin’s hotel bed, because Nick was always the one who
sought out Kevin, and the oldest brother was trying to pull away, so that he
could undo Nick’s jeans. But Nick pulled him close, desperately grasping the
back of his shirt, pushing his tongue into Kevin’s mouth.
He just wanted to kiss. It was oddly more intimate than the other stuff, and he
wanted it to be that way. It could have been that Nick just wanted love and
approval, someone to love him intensely, forever. But, it was so much more than
that. He couldn’t think of anyone else he would rather be with.
No-one had made him feel so special before. Despite the fact Kevin tried to be
all businesslike about the situation, he was still incredibly tender with Nick.
And the way Kevin looked at him… it made Nick’s stomach flutter.
Nick knew that Kevin was holding back, and although Nick probably couldn’t stop
it, he didn’t want to get too invested in Kevin, if Kevin could never fulfil
the role that Nick so desperately wanted in his life. So, Nick tried to make
Kevin open up, and the kissing was one of his tactics.
When he got Kevin to kiss him, all that there was in the world was just the two
of them, and Nick honestly felt like he was in love with those moments, like,
he was in love with Kevin.
“I want you to make love to me,” he whispered into Kevin’s ear.
Kevin froze. “Make… what?”
Nick moved his head so that he could stare straight into Kevin’s eyes. “Love.”
“You mean… so you can see what it feels like?” he choked.
Nick shook his head. “No. Because it’s you.”
He kissed Kevin delicately on the lips, and when he pulled away, Kevin’s
expression was pained. He watched Kevin’s adam’s apple bob as he gulped,
contemplating. Kevin’s hand travelled down Nick’s stomach and hovered over his
groin. Nick lay perfectly still, waiting.
But, Kevin’s apparent demons got the better of him; he pulled away, visibly
shaking in turmoil. “I can’t,” he all but sobbed. Then he left.
                                      ---
It became clear to Nick that falling in love with Kevin had been inevitable,
and honestly, it wasn’t a shock that he was. Perhaps, he always had been. He
had certainly always idolised Kevin.
He had always strived to earn Kevin’s respect, even when Kevin gave it to him,
for free, he felt it wasn’t right because he hadn’t earned it. And so he had
always, always tried to do things, and act in a way that would please his
oldest brother.
It had then progressed into trying to be the person Kevin could love. Nick
wasn’t sure he could be anyone else. So, after Kevin ran out on him, Nick was
distraught, and hadn’t spoken to anyone for two days.
His parents had become increasingly worried about him, and Nick knew it was the
guilt that sent Kevin to him one night, to ‘see what was wrong.’
“Mom and dad sent me,” he said, as soon as Nick had let him in.
“I figured that,” Nick said, “Why else would you condescend to come and see
me?”
“Nick…”
“What?” Nick said angrily.
Kevin sat down heavily on Nick’s bed, and although Nick didn’t want to sit
there next to Kevin – he wanted to stand, looking down at him – he was instead
drawn to his brother. He could feel Kevin’s sadness, so despite Nick’s anger,
he sat next to him.
“Nick… I’ve been trying to tell myself that this whole thing means nothing, but
the truth is… I’ve wanted this for a long time.”
“What?” Nick asked. “Really?”
“Yes, and when you… offered, I just… couldn’t resist. And I know I should have,
because now it’s gotten so out of hand. I should have known it would only make
everything worse. Nick, I’m in love with you,” he confessed. “Not the sort of
love someone should feel for his brother.”
Nick’s breath caught. “Kevin?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been waiting for you to say that.”
Kevin’s head snapped up. “What?”
Nick reached over and rested his hand on Kevin’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I want
you to love me that way.”
Kevin pushed him away. “How can you say that? How can you offer me this when
it’s so wrong? Why couldn’t you just tell me ‘no’?”
“But Kevin! You want this, and so do I! How is that wrong?”
“You know it is!”
“Well, I don’t care!” Nick yelled. “And I’m glad I told you. I’m not going to
change how I feel!”
Kevin turned away and buried his head in his hands. “I can’t believe this is
happening. This can’t be happening. I can’t do this.” He stood up and headed to
the door.
Nick jumped up after him and grabbed his arm tightly. “No! You can’t run away
from me again!”
“Nick, please let go!” Kevin wailed. His face was red, and wet with tears.
“No!” Nick shouted hysterically.
“Let go! Let go!” Kevin pried Nick’s fingers off of him and pushed his younger
brother away. He ran out of the room.
Nick stared at the door. Shocked. Before, he crumpled to the floor.
                                      ---
Somehow, Nick made it to his bed, where he continued to cry. He turned the
lights off so he could feel miserable in darkness. He couldn’t think about
whether he was being overdramatic, or about how he hadn’t cried so much since…
ever. He couldn’t think about those things because the pain was that
overwhelming.
It was Kevin who had broken his heart. His own brother. He didn’t see how he
could ever get over that.
He was hiccupping and whimpering and sore when he finally started to doze off,
exhausted. When he heard his door click open, he couldn’t even be bothered
raising his head and turning around to see who it was.
But, when he felt the dip in the bed, he knew it was Kevin. A part of him
wanted to get up, and as far away from Kevin as possible. Or to turn around and
start hitting and punching him. To punish him.
Of course, he couldn’t do that. He leaned eagerly into Kevin’s touch, quivered
as Kevin wrapped his arm around his waist. The tears sprang back to his eyes
and he whimpered.
“Shhh. Shhh.” Kevin lifted his hand and ran it through Nick’s hair. “I’m
sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”
Nick didn’t say anything, but his crying quietened, and he listened for Kevin
to continue.
“I really don’t think you understand how much I love you,” Kevin said. “I’m so
scared.”
Slowly, Nick turned around, lying on his back with his face turned towards
Kevin. “You don’t have to be scared. You have me.”
Kevin sighed and pulled Nick close. “You… you really want this?”
“Yes,” Nick whispered. “I love you.” Kevin squeezed him tight, as if desperate
to believe. “Kevin. Believe me. You have to believe me,” Nick said, urgently.
Kevin leaned forward, seeking Nick’s mouth. The kiss was gentle, but still
passionate, for Nick couldn’t help deepen it just a bit, because he needed
Kevin to see that it was real.
He did. “I believe you,” Kevin said.
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