Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/115087.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Disney_RPF, Jonas_Brothers
  Relationship:
      Zac_Efron/Kevin_Jonas
  Character:
      Zac_Efron, Kevin_Jonas
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_College/University
  Stats:
      Published: 2010-08-03 Words: 26575
****** Somewhere With You ******
by orphan_account
Summary
     Kevin's a freshman at a small liberal arts college in Southern
     California, against the wishes of his parents, who wanted him to go
     to the Christian university they picked out for him. Zac's a senior
     from Los Angeles on the basketball team who's been doing what he
     wants since he was thirteen. It's just three weeks into his first
     semester and somehow Kevin let himself end up half naked in Zac's bed
     after a little too much of that sticky sweet punch. At first, Kevin
     thinks Zac's just messing around with him. By the time Kevin figures
     out he's not, they're both too far into this to walk away unscathed.
Notes
     Written for Jonas Brothers Big Bang 2010
Kevin is not drunk.
At least, he doesn't think he is since he specifically told Zac that he doesn't
drink. It's probably all the sugar in that fruity punch Kevin's been drinking
all night that has him feeling loopy like this. Kevin is not allowed to have
sugar.
Of course, now that he's in college, 1600 miles away from home, what his mom
doesn't know won't hurt her. Kevin just has to remember not to tell her, since
he sort of tells her everything.
Zac lives in a very old house a block from the beach and a mile from school.
Kevin can feel the walls shaking like they might fall down around the crowd of
people from the force of the music and the crush of bodies. Kevin is not
dancing but he's swaying back and forth, propelled by the movement around him.
His head feels wobbly and his feet can't stop moving.
"Okay, Dallas, take it easy," Zac says, moving out of the way as the vibrant
punch sloshes over the rim of Kevin's plastic party cup. Zac knows his name,
Kevin has told it to him three times already. It was only when Zac laughed and
said, "Yeah, I know Dallas," that Kevin realized Zac had given him a nickname.
Kevin's never had a nickname, not a real one all his own and he likes the way
Zac says it, playful and affectionate.
Kevin just really likes Zac. He's exactly the kind of friend Kevin imagined
having if he'd been able to go to a real school instead of being home schooled
with his brothers and the weird girl and her weird sisters down the street.
Somewhere in the fog inside his head, Kevin knows he shouldn't have accepted
Zac's invitation to come here tonight. He likes it here, and he likes that Zac
is actually hanging out with him, but there are things at this party that Kevin
is not supposed to know about, let alone be a witness to. Except, it was sort
of hard to say no when Zac smiled like that, perfect white teeth in sharp
contrast to his tanned skin. Zac has excellent teeth.
"You have great teeth," Kevin tells him, bracing himself with a hand on Zac's
shoulder because the room suddenly got very shaky. "Oh my gosh," Kevin slurs
even as Zac gives him a little smirk and grips Kevin's hip, "we're having an
earthquake!"
Zac doesn't move his hand, just gives Kevin a little push. "What do you say we
go get some fresh air, hmm Dallas?" Zac's voice is really low and there's this
weird buzzing in Kevin's head, this shiver in his spine. Kevin nods because
yes, good, outside is good, it's hot and noisy in here with all these drunken
half naked people. Kevin doesn't know where everyone's clothes went.
"Wait!" he shouts, stopping. "Where's Rachel?"
Zac's eyes scrunch up when he laughs, Kevin realizes. It's kind of funny.
"She's fine, I promise, see?" Zac gestures across the room to where Rachel's
sitting on the window sill, talking to a guy who looks kind of like Colin
Hanks.
"Oh, good," Kevin sighs. It's important to know where Rachel is, and in the
morning maybe he'll remember why. Except, oh yeah, "I think she might be my
best friend," he says to Zac, as Zac ushers him out to the yard.
Out here, in California, the stars are really bright. Kevin tilts his head
back, maybe a little too far back since he sways, just to stare up at the
darkness. "Whoa," he breathes. When he rights himself, blood rushing back to
its proper places, Zac is suddenly very, very close.
"Wow, you have stars in your eyes," he mumbles. "Pretty."
"Dallas," Zac says, smiling slightly. Zac's moving closer. Kevin stumbles into
it, and then somehow his mouth is touching Zac's. Wow.
"Dallas," Zac says again, a little softer, pulling back. Kevin's eyes go wide
because up close like this, Zac is really pretty. There's a beat where Kevin
thinks Zac's changed his mind, and then Zac moves in close, one hand cupping
the back of Kevin's head, lips brushing his.
Kevin has never been kissed like this. Well, his brain counters, he's never
been kissed at all, but this is better than he'd hoped. Zac's lips feel nice
against his.
Kevin is not supposed to be kissing Zac back, is the problem. But whatever
Zac's been drinking tastes sweet and sharp on his tongue and he's kissing Kevin
like it's something he knows how to do, something he's put effort into
perfecting.
"Mm," Kevin mumbles, "hold on a second." He pulls away to gulp in air, his
stomach lurches and a second later he's throwing up in the overgrown grass, a
mess of pink. "Oh no," Kevin says sadly. There's no way Zac's ever going to
want to kiss him after this.
 
                                       *
 
Kevin's parents sat him down the week before school started, for a long
'conversation' - "this is not a lecture, son," his father had insisted - about
the dangers that awaited him in California.
Kevin doesn't know if this - waking up in a strange bed with no memory of the
night before - is what his parents were warning him against. Either way, Kevin
is way out of his depth and he doesn't have the slightest idea how he ended up
here or where exactly "here" is.
It doesn't matter though because he's going to throw up. It's the nausea that
woke him, this tidal wave in the pit of his stomach that jolted him into
consciousness. He needs to find the bathroom, or at the very least a garbage
can.
He gets unsteadily to his feet, an old wood floor that creaks beneath him when
he stands, and immediately trips over a pair of flip flops that don't belong to
him. He's in someone's bedroom, someone's messy bedroom, clothes scattered
around the room, towels hanging from doors and chairs and a pile of dirty
magazines on the floor by the door.
Kevin's never seen a dirty magazine before and he's a little intrigued.
Curiosity has him reaching for one but the movement of bending reminds him that
he's in danger of throwing up all over the floor of whoever's bedroom this is.
The door sticks, an old doorknob that doesn't want to budge. It takes both
hands and a foot planted on the door frame to the get the door open. When he
does he's standing in a maze of identical doorways, the same old wooden doors
distinguished only by the pictures and whiteboards and in one case, a poster of
a naked girl.
Kevin finds the bathroom just in time, stumbles to his knees and empties his
stomach in a very old, very gross looking toilet. He tries not to touch
anything since he's pretty sure this is Zac's house and if he remembers
correctly, Zac lives with nine other guys. Guys in their twenties who probably
know nothing about Mr. Clean and Clorox.
Kevin stays there on his knees until he's sure there's nothing left to throw
up. His mouth tastes disgusting. He struggles to his feet and gingerly turns
the sink on, rinsing his hands before cupping them with water. He gargles the
taste from his mouth as best as he can and looks around the bathroom. There's a
window above the toilet with a view of the ocean beyond the rooftops of the
surrounding houses. He borrows someone's mouthwash and if he had a pen he'd
write a note of apology. As it is he doesn't think anyone is likely to notice
or care.
He's rinsing, spitting into the sink, when the door opens with a thud as it
knocks against the wall. Kevin chokes, spluttering, a hand on his chest as he
spins around.
There's a guy in just his underwear standing in the doorway, his hair an unruly
mess of dark curls hanging in his eyes. Kevin recognizes him vaguely as one of
the guys from the party though he can't for the life of him remember his name.
"Oh shit," the guy says, "sorry, dude. I didn't know you were in here." He
moves past Kevin towards the toilet. And he pulls himself out from his boxers
and urinates right there while Kevin tries not to stare.
"Oh my gosh," he whispers, covering his mouth and fleeing, making sure to shut
the door tightly behind him, to spare anyone who happens by.
The hallway is quiet. Kevin makes it back to the bedroom without running into
anymore half naked people.
Kevin's shoes are lined up thoughtfully by the bed. Getting into them feels too
much like a chore he doesn't have energy for. He sits down at the edge of the
mattress to catch his breath. He feels weirdly like the journey to the bathroom
used up all the energy he had.
He's thinking about taking a nap when Zac appears in the doorway.
"Morning," Zac says, a wry little grin curving his mouth. He's in surf shorts
and a basketball t-shirt, his wet hair curling around his ears.
Wow, Kevin thinks. He looks good.
Zac has a pretty face. That's how Kevin thinks of it, in his head. That Zac is
really, really pretty. It was the first thing Kevin noticed when they met, one
week into school as Kevin was trying to find the science building, walking
across the quad with his head in a campus map.
Zac, it turns out, is not only really attractive, but also a super nice guy. He
personally escorted Kevin to the second floor classroom of the Earth Sciences
wing before he spent fifteen minutes coaxing Kevin into coming to his party.
Kevin doesn't know that he should have given in, considering he's just thrown
up after drinking something dangerous at said party. But it's nice that Zac is
here, concerned.
"How do you feel?" Zac asks, coming into the room with a mug and a plate of
toast.
Kevin makes a face. "Like I just threw up," he says sadly.
"Yeah, sorry about that. I should have warned you about David's punch. It's
pretty lethal." Zac sets the mug on the bedside table and offers the toast to
Kevin. "This might help, though," he says, with a sheepish, apologetic smile.
"Oh, thank you," Kevin says, taking the plate.
Zac sits down on the bed next to him, kind of close but not in a bad way. He
smells really good, fresh from a shower but better.
Kevin's stomach is doing weird things with Zac sitting like this next to him.
Not weird like he has to throw up but weird like he feels flushed and a little
excited, nervous.
It's logical. Zac is a good-looking guy. Beautiful, really. Kevin doesn't have
any experience with boys like Zac wanting to be his friend. He's never even met
anyone like Zac before. When he smiles, Kevin feels like he's watching the sun
come out.
Kevin tries to focus on chewing and not choking to death but it's a little
impossible because Zac's just hanging out, leaning back on his elbows, watching
Kevin openly like Kevin is something worth watching.
"Tell me something, Dallas," Zac says, falling to his back, hands folded
beneath his head. Kevin turns to sit fully on the bed, legs crossed, still
gingerly picking at the toast.
He's not good at this, small talk. He never knows what to say. "I'm a Scorpio,"
he says blankly, the very first thing that pops into his head.
Zac smiles. "Yeah?" He nudges Kevin's foot with his knee. "I'm a Libra. Guess
we're a match made in heaven."
Kevin doesn't actually think that's true, he's pretty sure Scorpios and Libras
are not at all compatible but his skin is buzzing where Zac's skin touched his
and he feels pleasantly warm so he just nods and tries to swallow.
"Do you have any brothers?" he blurts suddenly. He knows next to nothing about
Zac, except that he's the closest thing the school has ever had to a celebrity
- he's even been on the cover of Sports Illustrated, though someone had to tell
Kevin that since Kevin doesn't read Sports Illustrated.
Zac's eyes go a little soft around the corners when he smiles. "Yeah, one.
Dylan. He's a few years younger than me."
"Do you miss him?" Kevin asks. He wants to know if it gets easier. He's been
here three weeks and sometimes the missing feels like too much, this feeling in
his chest that keeps him awake at night. Not for his parents but for Joe and
Nick and Frankie. He hadn't thought it would hit him like it has, he thought he
was ready for a little distance, for something of his own. He hadn't counted on
this need to tell them everything, to want to know every detail of every moment
he was missing.
Kevin expects Zac to shrug it off or say "nah," like it's no big deal but he
doesn't look away as he says quietly, "yeah. It's easier now that he can drive,
he comes down to visit when he can. But the first year was the worst. We always
shared everything and then suddenly it was like we didn't even know each
other."
Zac studies Kevin for a second before he says, "what about you? Any siblings?
You have that homesick look in your eyes."
Kevin swallows, throat tight suddenly. He feels uncomfortably vulnerable. Never
in his life has he been in a situation like this, such as it is. He barely
knows Zac and yet he's sitting in his bed after having spent the night oh gosh.
He still feels sick, though the tea's helping, and mostly what he wants is to
be at home.
Kevin looks down at his lap and tries to keep his voice steady. "I have three
younger brothers," he says. "Joe, Nick and Frankie."
"And you miss them," Zac says.
Kevin looks up, frowning. But Zac's just watching him, nothing mocking or
teasing in his expression, so Kevin just nods. "Yes." He pauses. "I don't know,
I guess it took me by surprise."
Zac's nodding, an understanding smile in his eyes. "Yeah, I went through that.
I was so ready to leave, Dylan and I were fighting all the time, and a week
into the semester all I wanted was to be at home fighting with him."
"My parents wanted me to go to school at home," Kevin surprises himself by
saying. "They wanted me to commute to the college my dad went to and live at
home."
"And you wanted a little freedom," Zac says like he understands.
Kevin picks at the hem of his jeans. "Yeah," he whispers. But it's more than
that, coming here wasn't about freedom so much as finally being able to be
himself, to be the parts of himself he feels like he's had to hide from his
parents. But he doesn't tell Zac that.
"You have no idea how long it took me to convince them to let me come here," he
says.
That was six months of planning, of cutting articles and statistics, putting
together an argument for why this place was the right place for him. And then
there were the fights that came about, his father railing against Kevin going
someplace that wasn't his alma mater, his mother all but wringing her hands at
the thought of Kevin so far from home.
"Are you feeling any better?" Zac asks quietly after a minute.
Kevin smiles, sheepish. "A little. I'm really sorry - thanks for letting me
sleep here."
Zac sits up and he's close enough now that Kevin can smell the toothpaste on
his breath.
"It's my fault, I should have warned you what was in that punch," Zac says. "I
just didn't think you were such a lightweight."
Kevin frowns. "Yeah, well, I told you I don't drink." That's an understatement.
Kevin has never, before last night, had anything alcoholic in his bloodstream.
And he never will again, if throwing up in gross grimy toilets is what he gets
for it. The rest of it, though, Zac making him toast and hanging out with him,
that part's pretty nice.
Kevin gets up abruptly. He has no idea what time it is and he has more homework
to do than time to do it. "Um, I should go," he says, hovering awkwardly for a
beat before he leans down to pull his shoes on.
When he stands up, Zac's right there, startling Kevin into tripping on his own
foot. Zac grins, braces Kevin with a hand flat on his stomach. Kevin feels that
with a rush of heat and his breath catches in his chest.
"Um, okay," he mumbles, unmoving. "Thanks again," he says.
Zac's smile is slow. He hasn't moved his hand, fingers splayed across Kevin's
belly. Kevin looks down because he can't stop himself and when he looks back
up, his heart pounding loudly in his ears, Zac's looking at him with a heat
that Kevin feels down his spine.
"Well, okay, thanks," Kevin says for a third time and pushes past Zac.
"Dallas?" Zac says, and Kevin pauses in the doorway to look over his shoulder
at Zac who's grinning wide. "You're welcome to sleep in my bed any time you
want."
Kevin feels his face flush hot, his eyes widen and he mumbles "okay," before he
turns and flees.
The house is quiet, the downstairs still a mess of beer bottles and plastic
party cups. Kevin lets himself out and takes a second to catch his breath,
steady his heartrate and remember why he has to go do homework and not go back
upstairs.
It's a little less than a mile back to campus and the air helps with Kevin's
upset stomach. It's a nice walk, through old residential neighborhoods, tree-
lined streets, and the strip of businesses catering to the college.
Carlson College is a little pocket hidden by hundred year old trees with a view
of the Pacific. Old stone buildings with an architectural nod to the New
England Ivy Leagues
and a five year old science building glaringly out of place.
Kevin loves it. When he finally convinced his parents to at least let him come
visit, he knew the minute he walked across the quad that this is where he
wanted to be.
It's a warm day, two weeks into September and it feels like the dead of summer.
But the breeze off the water has students out in the grass, napping or
studying.
Kevin walks to his dorm and feels again, like he does most days, that he made
the right choice.
There are two freshman dorms and Kevin lives on one of the co-ed halls in the
dorm behind the Student Center. His third floor corner room looks out over the
parking lot and he's sweating a little when he lets himself in.
Kevin's roommate, Miles, is a nice guy from Seattle with black plastic glasses,
shaggy hair that hangs in his eyes and a collection of video games that takes
up the entire wall of shelves between their beds. They get along reasonably
well, since Kevin's used to living with other people and compromising and Miles
doesn't seem to let anything bother him.
He's still asleep, face down, sheets kicked to the floor.
Kevin does his best to be quiet as he gathers his books and notes.
There's a light blinking on their room phone which means he has a message,
probably from his mom, given that the battery on his cell phone is dead.
"Oh my god where have you been I feel like your mother are you okay?"
Kevin turns around to find Rachel in the doorway, still in the Cardinals boxer
shorts she wears to bed and her duck slippers.
Kevin makes an apologetic face and steps out into the hall with her. "I'm so
sorry, Rachel," he mumbles, face warm.
But she doesn't look upset, she's grinning at him and doing something with her
eyebrows that's kind of startling. "So? What happened? I want to know
everything, all the dirty details."
Kevin's laughing before he can help it and he hugs her impulsively.
Rachel is from St. Louis. She has freckles on her nose, very green eyes and
naturally red unruly hair. She's shockingly pretty, just as socially awkward as
Kevin and she talks a lot and very fast, sometimes without stopping to breathe.
Kevin liked her from the minute she popped her head into their room the second
day of orientation and said, "my name's Eleanor, but you can call me Rachel."
Rachel hugs him back, bouncing a little on her toes. "Come on," she says,
pulling back and taking him by the wrist. She drags him down the hall to her
room, saying, "Micah went to LA for the weekend, thank God, I can't breathe
when she's here, everything's so tense."
Micah, Rachel's roommate, is an aspiring model who knows exactly how beautiful
she is. Kevin finds her incredibly insufferable and feels bad for Rachel, who's
nice to everybody. In the last week or so she's taken to spending most of her
evenings with Miles and Kevin in their room. Miles spends most of the time that
he isn't in class or doing homework on his computer and nothing much seems to
get under his skin. Kevin realizes how lucky he is that he got Miles.
Rachel shuts the door behind her. "Sit. Spill," she says, pushing him to her
bed. She has blue flannel sheets with green and yellow robots and a pillow in
the shape of a rainbow with white puffy clouds on either end. The wall her bed
is pushed up against is papered in pictures of her friends back home, her dog -
a pug named Captain Jack - and glossy magazine shots of Paris.
Kevin sits up against the head of the bed, his legs crossed. Rachel climbs up
to sit across from him, elbows braced on her thighs and props her chin in her
hands.
"Tell me everything, don't leave anything out," she demands and then waits
expectantly.
Kevin has never said the words "I'm gay" out loud. To anybody. Rachel didn't
ask and Kevin didn't correct her gender pronouns. It's the first time in his
life that Kevin's felt comfortable enough to be honest about that part of
himself. He knows it's only because he's miles away from home. Know one knows
him here, who his parents expect him to be. Here he can be anyone he wants to
be.
He feels like he can breathe easier now.
Kevin shrugs. "There's not really anything to tell. I threw up and when I woke
up this morning I was in his bed." He looks down then, smiling a little at how
it sounds. The throwing up thing wasn't great but the rest was pretty nice.
Especially the way Zac smiled at him, like he enjoyed Kevin's company. Kevin
really liked that part.
In the span of seconds, Rachel's expression goes from disbelief to excitement
and then she's rolling her eyes. "Kevin," she says, grabbing Kevin's hand. "You
woke up in Zac Efron's bed and you don't think that's worthing telling?" She
laughs and flings her arms around his neck. "You're insane," she says into his
ear.
He hugs her back because she makes him smile, because he feels comfortable
around her in the space of three short weeks, and mostly because he's never had
a friend like her.
"But nothing happened," Kevin insists when he pulls away. But that's not really
true. He doesn't know if it counts as a kiss since he was drunk and it didn't
last very long, but it was his first kiss and it sort of feels important, like
it could be the start of something. Especially after this morning, the way Zac
made sure he was okay, the way Zac looked at him.
So he says, "I kissed him," quietly, testing the words to see how they feel.
Rachel's eyes go comically wide. "Ohmigod," she breathes, "I knew it! How was
it? Was it amazing? I bet it was amazing, he looks like he'd be a good kisser,
tell me everything."
Kevin hasn't quite figured out how Rachel remembers to breathe when she talks,
or how her brain manages to catch up to her mouth.
"I don't know," he says a little sheepishly. "I think it was nice? I kind of,
um, I kind of threw up right after it happened."
There's a beat of silence. Kevin can practically see the wheels spinning as
Rachel tries to find something supportive to say.
"It's okay," he sighs, "you can laugh. It was pretty bad." He's actually pretty
surprised that Zac was as good about it as he was.
"Kevin," she says, smiling slightly, "I'm sure it wasn't as bad as that."
"I don't remember anything that happened after," he admits. And even the kiss
is fuzzy at best, though he knows it did happen. He just wishes he could
remember it more clearly. Specifically if it was as good as he hopes it was.
"So," Rachel prompts, getting up and heading for the mini fridge between her
and Micah's beds. "What do you think? Do you like him? I'm pretty sure he likes
you, you should have seen the way he looked at you, from where I was standing
he looked like he wanted to devour you. Wait, hang on, is he even gay?"
Kevin's watching her wide-eyed, waiting for her to slow down. She doesn't even
pause as she hands him a granola bar and tears into her own. "You're my first
gay friend, though there was this girl who lived down the street from me who
was a lesbian, she tried to kiss my best friend Laura Jane when we were in the
tenth grade. She was a nice girl, I felt bad for her, her parents flipped when
they found out."
She pauses to take a bite of her granola bar and Kevin knows what's coming
next. She nudges him with her toes. "How did your parents take it?"
The granola bar gets stuck in his throat, even though he knew this was coming.
He looks down, feels his face flush hot. This is not something he has ever
talked about with anyone. Well, Joe knows and because Joe can't keep anything
from Nick, Kevin's sure Nick knows, but talking to Joe doesn't count. Joe just
gets him in a way no one else ever has and talking to him about this, while
it's never been easy, is different than talking about it with Rachel.
When he looks up, Rachel looks embarrassed, like she knows she broached a
touchy subject.
"I'm sorry," she says hastily, her cheeks pink.
Kevin grabs her hand. "It's okay," he assures her. This is important. He fits
their fingers together and she squeezes a little.
"I've never told anyone," he says after a heavy silence. "Um, I guess I just
thought I could pretend I wasn't, that faking it wouldn't be that hard." He
takes a breath to steady the emotions that are getting a little overwhelming.
"My dad's a minister, and mom - mom's always talking about when I get married
and have babies. She wouldn't handle it well." And that goes triple for his
father.
"Oh, Kevin, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up." She takes a breath and
then says brightly, changing the subject, "so when are you going to see Zac
again?"
Kevin smiles slightly, relieved, but feeling a little raw. "I don't know, we
don't really run into each other." Zac's taking three classes this semester and
most of those are business classes and in a building Kevin doesn't have any
classes in.
"I think it's really cute the way he calls you Dallas," Rachel says, taking
Kevin's empty granola bar wrapper and getting up to throw it in the trash.
"What are you doing now, were you going to the library? I have so much homework
to do before tomorrow I feel like I'm drowning in it."
Kevin's in the same boat. He feels like he wasn't prepared for the sheer amount
of time he has to put into his classes. It's not even that it's all that
difficult, it's just time consuming, hours upon hours of reading and note
taking and trying to retain all the information being crammed into his brain.
"Yeah, I was heading over there, I just should probably shower first and call
my mom."
"Okay, just come get me when you're ready," Rachel says, pulling Kevin up and
impulsively hugging him. He hugs her back, she's warm and smells fruity like
oranges and strawberries, her hair soft against his jaw.
Kevin runs into Miles in the hallway, carrying his shower caddy and an armful
of clothes, a towel thrown over his shoulder.
"Dude," Miles says when he sees Kevin. Miles' hair is a mess around his face
and he looks like he could use another twelve hours of sleep. "Everything
cool?"
Kevin smiles. It's weird - Miles is his roommate, not his father or brother,
but Kevin can't shake the feeling that he owes Miles an explanation for why he
didn't sleep in his own bed last night. He doesn't give into it, just says,
"yep, yes, fine, everything's good," like a bumbling idiot.
Miles just grins. "Okay, cool," he says and disappears into the guys' bathroom.
Kevin gives in and listens to the voicemail from his mother which is mostly her
being worried that his cell phone was off and checking if he needs anything. He
feels guilty for making her worry so he calls the house.
She answers on the second ring sounding a little breathless. "Kevin honey? Is
everything okay?" In his mind, Kevin can picture her doing laundry with the
phone by her side, waiting for it to ring.
Kevin resists rolling his eyes. He feels guilty for feeling annoyed. He likes
that she calls him to keep him up to date with everything that's going on back
home and to check that everything's okay with him here but he feels like he's
being monitored, like he's on a leash.
Kevin realizes she just wants to hear his voice when she starts asking him
about the syllabus for his statistics class.
"I have to go," he tells her apologetically. The homework he has to do is
looking like it'll put him well past midnight when he finally gets done with it
all and he's starting to stress out about it. He has to prove that he can get
good grades, that it wasn't a mistake for his parents to let him come out here.
His mother is quiet for a beat and Kevin feels guilty all over again. "I'm
sorry, mom, I just have kind of a lot of homework to do."
"It's okay, honey," she says, "we'll catch up in a few days. Your father and
brothers send their love. Please be sure you're getting enough rest and eating
right, I don't want you to get sick."
Kevin smiles a little, wishing for a brief moment that he could hug her. "Okay,
I love you," he says. They say a drawn out round of goodbyes before they hang
up.
 
 
                                       *
 
Kevin knows he disappointed his parents by coming to Carlson. He still gets
knots in his stomach every now and then when he thinks about it, from the guilt
and the knowledge that he let them down in a way. Not that they go on about it,
once the decision was made they were nothing but supportive. He just couldn't
stay in Dallas, feeling like he was living the life his dad wanted for him and
hiding from himself.
It helps that Joe and Nick have been on his side from the beginning.
Joe emails Kevin daily, sometimes as much as three or four times a day.
Sometimes it's just a one line email: Frankie ate five hot dogs at dinner and
threw up on the neighbor's cat and others it's pages of just whatever comes
into Joe's head. Nick doesn't email, he's better on the phone, but Joe always
throws in things from him; a song he's been working on or the latest audition
he went on.
There's an email waiting for him when he sits down to check real quick before
he spends the rest of the day submerged in more information than his brain can
handle.
A new girl moved in down the street, and Nick's in love. He's writing her a
song. It's not very good, he compared her eyes to grass. You should definitely
talk him out of that one.
Kevin grins and hits reply.
He loses close to half an hour telling Joe about last night, everything about
Zac that he knows, which isn't near as much as he would like and probably way
more than Joe needs to know.
Nothing even happened, not really, but Kevin's giddy with it. There's a freedom
here he's never felt before, not so much a freedom to do what he wants when he
wants, though that's part of it, but a freedom to just be himself. It's new and
exhilarating.
He ends the email with: things are really great here, Joe. Really, really
great. I miss you though, you and Nick and Frankie. I wish we weren't so far
away.
He hits send feeling a little pang of homesickness.
 
                                       *
 
Kevin realizes Zac programmed his phone number into Kevin's cell phone when Zac
calls him late in the afternoon on Monday. Kevin's in a fog of homework. He's
spent the last three hours since his last class bent over a hundred pages of
readings about the Spanish Civil War. His eyes are dry and his back is starting
to ache from being bent over the table the way he's been.
He and Rachel are in one of the glass paneled study rooms in the library, both
of them neck deep in homework. Kevin likes learning, and he likes school, but
sometimes he thinks he should have taken Joe's advice and joined the circus.
His phone startles him out of his daze and he looks blankly at the screen for a
beat before he answers. He doesn't remember putting Zac's number in his phone
but the readout is a picture of Zac, hair wet and in his eyes, making a
ridiculous face.
Kevin grins at it and feels his face get warm. Something about Zac taking time
to put his number into Kevin's phone complete with a stupid picture makes Kevin
feel foolishly giddy.
"Nice picture," Kevin says when he answers the phone. Across from him, Rachel
kicks him under the table and raises her eyebrows. He's sure she can tell from
his goofy grin who he's talking to but he mouths it anyway.
"Yeah," Zac says and Kevin can hear the grin in his voice, "I thought you'd
like that. What are you doing?"
"What are you doing?" Kevin blurts before he can shut his mouth. He's spent the
last two days in a cloud of studying and coming up for air to replay every
second between him and Zac. He's spent meal-time with an eye on the doors to
the dining hall, hoping to see him. It's ridiculous, really. It's not like
they're anything at all, friends or whatever.
Kevin swears he can hear Zac's smile get wider through the phone. "I'm calling
you, Dallas."
Kevin ducks his head, playing with his hilighter. "I'm studying. Rachel and I
are in the library." He uncaps the pen and starts doodling in the margin of his
notes, little curlicues since he draws the line at hearts and writing Zac's
name over and over.
"What a coincidence," Zac says. Kevin opens his mouth to ask why it's a
coincidence but Zac cuts him off. "Do you surf, Dallas?"
"Um, no," Kevin says adamantly. He can do a lot of things, and he's tried a lot
of things, but surfing is not for him. "I don't do anything that involves death
by drowning," he says, drawing little stars to go with his curlicues.
Zac lets out a low, surprised laugh. "Not even if I was there to save you?" he
says, his voice gone a little softer, teasing but darker.
Kevin flushes to his toes and absolutely does not look at Rachel. She's given
up on her notes and is openly watching him, listening to every word. He kicks
at her beneath the table and she just laughs and kicks him back.
"Not even then," he says, his mouth dry. There's no conviction in it. The idea
of Zac teaching him to surf, wet in the water with him, is one he kind of
likes.
"That's too bad, Dallas, that's a real shame. We could have a lot of fun, you
and me." And now Zac's just blatantly flirting with him. Kevin likes it a lot.
"How was your weekend?" Zac says, "aside from throwing up and your first
hangover, I mean." There's a teasing note in the way he says it, something
familiar like maybe they're friends.
"It was pretty good, actually," Kevin says, feeling his smile stretch across
his face. "This hot guy let me sleep in his bed." Kevin has no experience with
flirting but this feels easy, natural maybe.
"Yeah?" Zac's voice is low, dark and it slides down Kevin's spine to sit hot in
his stomach. He shivers.
"You know what, Dallas, I'm gonna have to call you back," Zac says then, "I've
found a hot guy of my own," voice still pitched low. Zac hangs up abruptly just
as the door to the study room opens and when Kevin looks up, Zac's standing in
the doorway, leaning against the frame.
Kevin almost falls out of his seat he's so startled. Rachel's a good enough
friend that she doesn't laugh but when Kevin sneaks a glance at her she's
smiling and biting her lip like it's an effort to keep from laughing out loud.
"Hey, Dallas," Zac says affectionately, smiling slightly.
"Oh, um, hi," Kevin stammers, rooted to his seat. "Uh, you remember Rachel?" he
says, gesturing wildly to Rachel in case Zac's forgotten.
"I do," Zac says, giving Rachel a smile. "Hi."
Rachel's grinning at him, her mouth hidden behind her hand. "Hi," she says to
him, standing abruptly. "Excuse me, I have to use the little girls' room." She
flashes Kevin a wide grin, eyes wide and an expression that screams Oh my GOD
and rushes out of the room.
Zac sits down next to Kevin, close enough that their knees touch. "What are you
doing here?" Kevin asks, surprised and pleased. His heart's beating fast and
his palms are a little sweaty. It's kind of a silly question, being that this
is the library and both he and Zac are students. But Kevin's brain's not
working at full capacity at the moment.
"It's impossible to get anything done at my place," Zac says absently, hooking
his thumb in the neck of Kevin's polo, familiar like he and Kevin do this all
the time. He touches the tip to the hollow of Kevin's throat and Kevin feels
his face get hot. "I do my homework here, usually at a study carrel on the
third floor."
"Oh," Kevin says stupidly. Nothing else comes out.
Zac's leaning forward now, fingers playing with one of the buttons at the neck
of Kevin's shirt. He smells like the ocean and citrus and some kind of soap
that smells really, really good.
"Kevin," Zac says like he's testing the word on his lips. It's the first time
Zac's said his name since they met and Kevin blurted out, "I'm Kevin, I'm from
Dallas," before he could stop himself.
"Hmm?" Kevin says absently. The way Zac's looking at him makes him feel
breathless, like he's been running. Zac's still touching him.
"You know what I learned last night when I went to bed?" Zac's close enough now
that Kevin can see the flecks of light in his eyes.
Kevin shakes his head because his voice doesn't want to work. He's pretty sure
it's rhetorical, anyway. But now he's thinking of Zac in bed, shirtless in just
his underwear.
Zac smiles slightly like he's remembering. "My sheets smell like you." He
nudges forward on his seat so his knee bumps Kevin's.
"Sorry," Kevin whispers. Zac chuckles lowly, leaning forward slightly.
"It's okay," Zac says, moving his hand down to the hem of Kevin's shirt,
tugging slightly. "I wouldn't mind if they smelled like you more often," he
says, the corner of his mouth tilted up, eyes glittering a little.
Zac hooks his ankle around Kevin's and leans forward, tightening his grip in
Kevin's shirt. "Kevin," he breathes softly, "I'm going to kiss you now."
"Okay," Kevin agrees, just a whisper. He's not freaking out but his pulse is
going crazy and he's having trouble remembering to breathe.
Zac's eyes drop to Kevin's mouth and flicker back up. Kevin waits, heart
pounding loudly in his ears.
Zac smiles slightly as he leans in, his fingers curling in Kevin's hair,
bringing him forward. Kevin holds his breath for a beat, waiting, and it leaves
him in a rush when Zac's mouth brushes his, his lips parted slightly. Zac's
lips taste sweet and a little minty, like chewing gum. Kevin keeps his mouth
closed, his eyes pressed tightly shut, and tries not to pass out.
He can feel Zac's smile against his lips. "Relax, Dallas," Zac murmurs, his
fingers stroking the back of Kevin's neck. Kevin's shoulders are up around his
ears, he realizes. He forces them down, breathes out, tries to get his body to
loosen up.
"Sorry, sorry," Kevin mumbles, bracing himself with a hand on Zac's shoulder.
He shifts a little, his nose nudging against Zac's, and parts his lips
slightly.
"Mm, yeah," Zac breathes, and he kisses Kevin again, deeper and little more
intense than before. He touches the tip of his tongue to the seam of Kevin's
lips and licks inside, stroking along the sensitive flesh of Kevin's bottom
lip. Kevin gasps and opens his mouth a little more, sinking into the kiss, the
way Zac's focusing on him.
Kevin's relaxing slowly, getting into it when the door opens again. Kevin pulls
away sharply, breathing hard, as Rachel stands in the doorway stammering, "Oh
shit, oh my God, sorry." She doesn't move, just stays rooted where she is,
mouth open like a fish.
"It's okay," Zac says, smiling slightly, his eyes still on Kevin. "I should get
back to work anyway." He gets to his feet and Kevin feels the disappointment
sit on his stomach.
"I'll see you, Dallas," Zac says, pausing at the door to give Kevin a small
smile he can feel deep down in his toes.
Kevin's own goodbye gets lodged in his throat and it's a soundless movement of
lips.
"Oh my God, oh my God," Rachel says rushing in the second Zac's gone. She sits
down in the chair Zac was in and grabs both of Kevin's hands. "Kevin, I'm so
sorry I interrupted that, holy crap, that was intense."
Kevin's having trouble breathing and his lips are tingling.
"You should see your face," Rachel says gleefully. "God, you are so lucky, he's
so hot."
"Yeah," Kevin says finally, his face breaking into a grin. "Yeah."
 
                                       *
 
It's mid-week when Kevin sees Zac again and in the place he least expected to
ever see him.
It's almost midnight. Kevin's dressed for bed in the grey cotton pants his mom
bought him and a too small t-shirt that's stretched across his belly. He's
finally finished the reading for his history class and he's exhausted.
Miles is caught up in some game on his computer, his enormous headphones
covering his ears. He hasn't come up for air in almost three hours. Kevin's not
sure Miles is entirely human.
There's a knock at the door. He expects it to be Rachel since she's taken to
coming by every night to wish him sweet dreams. Part of him thinks it's as much
for her as it is for him.
It's not Rachel when he opens the door, but Zac.
Kevin's so surprised to see him he stumbles, toe catching on the carpet and
knocks his forehead on the door frame.
"Ugh, ow," he whimpers, pressing his fingers to his head and wishing the floor
would open up and swallow him whole.
Zac's smiling at him, but it's kind of soft and amused and not at all like he's
laughing at him. Okay, maybe a little, but Kevin can't really blame him. It's
probably one of the top five most embarrassing moments of his life.
"What are you doing here?" Kevin asks, eyes watering a little, forehead
smarting.
Zac's leaning up against the frame. He's close enough that Kevin can smell him,
feel the heat radiating from him. Zac's voice is kind of low, like he's sleepy.
It makes Kevin's skin warm.
Zac shrugs. "I just wanted to see what you were up to." He takes Kevin in, his
too small shirt that Kevin suddenly feels the need to tug down over his stomach
and his sleep pants, eyes sliding over him in a way Kevin can feel. "Come watch
a movie with me."
Kevin can feel his eyes go wide. "Now? It's midnight," he says, in case Zac
wasn't aware of the time.
Zac smiles again, rolls his eyes slightly. "Yeah." He reaches out, fingers
curling in the hem of Kevin's shirt. "This is nice," he says, rubbing the
cotton material between his fingers like he's inspecting the quality. Kevin
looks stupidly down at his shirt. He doesn't know what's so special about it,
it's way too small and he really should pass it on to Nick but it has
sentimental value.
"Come with me," Zac says again. He tugs a little on Kevin's shirt, pulls so
they're standing almost toe to toe. Kevin holds his breath, hoping and praying.
He wants Zac to kiss him so bad he can taste it, his whole body tight with
tension.
But Zac just gives a little smile. "Please," he says, lips curving and eyes
going darker. Kevin doesn't know how anyone could be expected to say no to
that. And he suspects Zac knows exactly the effect he has on people. It's kind
of frustrating. But whatever, not like Kevin's going to say no, not when he
can't think of anything he'd rather do more right now than go to Zac's and
watch a movie.
"Okay, let me get dressed," Kevin says, turning back into the room but Zac
catches him, fingers tightening in his shirt.
"Dallas," he says on a laugh, "leave it. We're just going to my place."
"But, my pajamas," Kevin says blankly, looking down at his bare feet.
"Come on, kid, live dangerously," Zac says.
Kevin gives in. "Let me just get my keys," he says, slipping back into the
room. He nudges Miles out of his game, tells him where he's going.
"Cool," Miles says, not looking away from the computer screen but holding his
hand out absently to slap Kevin's. "See you, dude," he mumbles, already
disappearing back into his own universe.
"Okay," Kevin says, shutting the door behind him.
It's only when they're walking to Zac's car in the East lot that Kevin realizes
it was rude not to introduce Zac to Miles.
Zac walks close enough that their hands brush, Zac's fingertips skating against
Kevin's palm. Kevin's so hyper aware of Zac, his body on edge now, he
accidentally squeaks, surprised.
Zac grins but doesn't say anything.
Zac drives a beat up old Ford Explorer that was probably dark green at one
point but is now just shades of rust. There are bumper stickers for various
sports teams on the back, an air freshener shaped like a surfboard hanging from
the rearview mirror and the backseat is littered with water bottles and pieces
of clothing.
Kevin tries not to but he can't help watching Zac as he drives, his face in the
shadows, lit up every now and then by the occasional street light.
It takes just five minutes to get to Zac's and they're turning onto a narrow
alley that runs behind the houses. Zac parks in the driveway, between recycling
bins overflowing with beer cans and an old Vespa scooter.
There are bicycles and surfboards in the yard, and Kevin trips over a soccer
ball on the walkway.
Zac catches him, a hand on his waist, grinning. "Careful."
They go up the back porch through the dimly lit kitchen.
Zac's best friend, a very pretty girl named Vanessa, is standing in front of
the open refrigerator.
Kevin squeaks and slaps a hand over his eyes. She's wearing only a pair of pink
frilly underwear and a tank top that's mostly just half a shirt, leaving her
stomach exposed.
Zac looks at him, startled for a beat, and then bursts out laughing. "Dallas,
you're a trip."
"Oh hi," Vanessa says, turning to smile warmly at Kevin. She has long, dark
hair and pretty eyes. Naked girls don't really do much for Kevin anymore. Back
when he was twelve and thirteen and everything did it for him, he'd look at the
girls in his mother's Victoria's Secret catalogue and jerk off, but mostly he
just finds them aesthetically pleasing. Vanessa has very long legs and smooth
skin.
Vanessa settles on a yogurt and closes the refrigerator. "What are you boys up
to?" she says, reaching into a drawer for a spoon.
"We're watching a movie," Zac says. "No girls allowed."
Vanessa kisses Zac's cheek. "You sure know how to break a girl's heart," she
says with a grin. "Have fun," she tells them and disappears through the doorway
into the living room.
"Wow," Kevin says.
"Yeah," Zac grins. "She's something."
Kevin's heart is pounding loudly as he follows Zac up the dark stair case. At
the landing Kevin finds himself again in the maze of doorways, this time with
most of the doors opened, letting light into the halls. There's different music
coming from each of the rooms and from one the moans that sound like someone's
watching a dirty movie.
Kevin's eyes go wide. Zac shakes his head and pulls Kevin into his own room,
shutting the door behind him.
Zac has an old 13 inch TV on the bookcase across from his bed. When Zac invited
him over to watch a movie, Kevin imagined them downstairs in the living room
with space between them, not up here in Zac's bedroom, with the bed the only
place to sit.
Zac flips the lights off and they sit in Zac's bed up against the headboard.
Minutes in and Kevin has no idea what they're watching - he can't focus, and he
feels like he stopped breathing the second he felt Zac's thigh against his.
Something about this, being alone with Zac in his darkened bedroom, feels
dangerous. Like maybe if Kevin let it, something could happen. He doesn't know
what that something is or if he's really ready for it, but he wouldn't mind if
Zac stopped paying attention to the stupid movie and paid some attention to
him.
Kevin lasts ten minutes, past the first opening action sequence, before he
blurts, "Zac, will you please just kiss me already?"
Zac looks sharply over at Kevin, surprised for a beat before he's breaking into
a slow smile. "You want me bad, huh?"
"Shut up," Kevin mumbles, his face hot.
"It's okay, Dallas," Zac says, shifting so he's leaning over Kevin. "Feeling's
mutual," he whispers with a grin, a beat before his mouth opens over Kevin's.
Kevin sighs, his arms coming up around Zac's shoulders, pulling Zac closer so
they're pressed together from chest to hip.
He rearranges himself so he's sprawled against the pillows, Zac braced above
him. Zac kisses him slowly, methodically, but there's an urgency underneath it,
both of them breathing hard into it. Kevin can feel Zac's pulse. Kevin can't
remember ever being wanted like this and that it's Zac, who's sweet and
beautiful and makes Kevin feel like it's okay to be himself, it's exhilarating.
Kevin runs his palms down Zac's back, hands at the hem of his t-shirt. He feels
Zac shiver slightly when he touches the tips of his fingers to the warm skin at
his waist.
Kevin loves the way he feels, breathless and hot all over, every part of his
body alive and alert. He loves the way Zac breathes into him, the way he kisses
him like he can't help himself.
They makeout like that, slow and heated, building until they're both panting,
the sound loud in the stillness of the room.
"Kevin," Zac says quietly after a while, pulling away, "It's late." He touches
Kevin's cheek with the tip of his thumb, something sweet in it that makes
Kevin's pulse skitter and skip a beat. "I should take you home."
Kevin feels like he just completely forgot himself. He's seventeen, and for the
first time in his life he feels alive, wrapped up in this, in Zac.
"Okay," he agrees quietly. There's no one waiting up for him, he could spend
the night here and he wouldn't get in trouble. But it feels like something
huge. Everything already feels like it's going a million miles an hour, full
speed ahead. Going home to sleep in his own bed, as much as he'd like to stay
here, feels like the right thing for now.
"Come on," Zac says sleepily, rolling away. "I'll drive you home." He gets to
his feet, a hand out for Kevin to haul him up, and he catches Kevin with a hand
on his hip.
"Okay?" he says quietly, brushing a kiss across the corner of Kevin's mouth.
Kevin just sighs and turns into it, kissing Zac a little desperately. It's the
exhaustion, the fact that it's almost two in the morning and Kevin has class at
nine. It's more than that, though. It's the fact that he's known Zac all of two
weeks and he feels like all he wants to do is be with him all the time. It's a
little terrifying.
The house is mostly quiet, doors closed and music turned down.
The drive back to campus is quiet, Kevin half asleep against the door. Zac
idles in the parking lot behind Kevin's dorm, puts the car in park and turns to
Kevin. Kevin doesn't hesitate before he's leaning in to Zac, mouths open from
the start.
Zac pulls away. "Okay, okay," he whispers breathlessly, "go get some sleep." He
palms Kevin's cheek and leans in for one more kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow,
hopefully."
Kevin smiles and fumbles for the door. "Thanks for the ride," he says but what
he means is, thanks for everything.
 
                                       *
 
Zac's an upperclassman and as such his schedule is much more flexible than
Kevin's. Kevin's already struggling under the weight of five classes. His
adviser cautioned him against taking anything beyond four, but Kevin wants to
double major and that means more core classes to get out of the way. It also
means he doesn't have time for much beyond homework, especially since his
statistics class is already giving him trouble and he's had to seek out extra
help from one of the students the college tutor center.
So he doesn't actually see Zac until Friday evening when Zac invites him over
to his house.
"It's just a bunch of people hanging out, we're going to order some pizzas,
watch some tv," Zac said on the phone when he called. "I'll pick you up if you
want."
Kevin walks to Zac's because he doesn't want Zac to always chauffeur him around
and also for the chance to clear his head. It's been a long week and he has a
long weekend ahead of him with the homework he has for Monday. What he wants to
do is ignore it all and spend every minute with Zac, and that's the part that
terrifies him a little.
It's a little after six when Kevin gets to Zac's. There are people hanging out
in the backyard, drinking beer, music coming from the kitchen. Kevin says hello
to the people he recognizes and lets himself into the house, pushing through
people in the narrow space, looking for Zac.
He gets intercepted by a tall, good-looking guy Kevin recognizes as David
somebody, one of Zac's roommates.
"Hey, Dallas, right?" David says, slinging an arm across Kevin's shoulders.
"Um, hi," Kevin says, confused. "It's Kevin, actually." He doesn't say that
Zac's the only one who gets to call him that but it's what wants to come out.
"Kevin," David agrees, grinning. Kevin vaguely remembers David from the party.
He has a first name for a last name, Harry or Larry or something, and he has
this self-assured way about him that Kevin finds kind of fascinating, like he
knows how good-looking he is. He's on the basketball team with Zac but he's
pretty sure they aren't actually friends.
He's proven right a second later when Zac comes into the kitchen. Kevin grins
automatically, waving at him and Zac smiles back, eyes going soft at the
corners. His expression shifts, the line of his mouth hardening when he sees
David.
"Zac," David says, grinning wide. "I was just getting to know your boy." Kevin
recognizes the look on David's face, like he knows he's antagonizing Zac. Kevin
doesn't like it and he shrugs away, out from under David's arm.
"Yeah, that's what it looks like," Zac says, something sharp in his tone. He
comes forward, tucking his fingers in one of Kevin's belt loops. "Hey," he
says, smiling slightly, voice going softer.
"Come on," Zac says, "I'll get you something to drink." He tugs Kevin after
him, fingers caught in the waist of Kevin's jeans and Kevin feels a little like
he's in the middle of a game of tug of war.
"Henrie," Zac says over his shoulder, "find your own."
Kevin doesn't look back but he's pretty sure David's got a smirk on his face.
"Fuck," Zac says when they're out on the back porch. "I hate that guy. Always
after other people's belongings like a fucking thief," he mutters, leaning in
to kiss Kevin.
Kevin doesn't really understand but it doesn't matter because Zac's kissing
him.
"Hi," Kevin beams, the word slipping into Zac's mouth. He drapes an arm across
Zac's shoulder and tilts his chin, opening his mouth for Zac.
"Mm, hi," Zac agrees, tucking an arm around Kevin's waist and hauling him
close. Kevin's aware of a house and yard full of Zac's friends but if Zac's
comfortable enough to do this here, then Kevin's going to try to be.
There's a catcall from across the yard and Kevin feels his face heat up.
"Fuck off," Zac pulls away to call, a wide grin on his face. "I'm going to grab
a beer, what do you want to drink?"
Kevin shrugs. "Anything but beer," he says, making a face.
There's a cooler in the corner of the porch. Zac grabs a couple of bottles and
hands one to Kevin.
"Not beer," Zac assures him, handing him a bottle. "It's cider."
"Okay, thanks," Kevin says. He takes a drink. It's sweet and reminds him of the
sparkling cider his parents let them have at Christmas, maybe more bitter.
Kevin likes it.
Everyone moves into the house for pizza and someone's dvds of Family Guy. Kevin
follows Zac through the empty kitchen and loses his breath when Zac spins him
around and presses him to the refrigerator, one hand on his hip, the other
braced against the fridge door.
"Oh," Kevin breathes and arches forward, his hips bumping into Zac's. He really
likes that. Zac grins and kisses him hard, rocking forward a little, a shift of
his hips into Kevin's that makes the heat flare up in his stomach and his
breath stutter in his chest.
 
                                       *
 
There's a circus of tiny monkeys with cymbals and bass drums running around in
his brain, causing pain like nothing Kevin's ever felt before. He tries to open
his eyes but the sunlight makes the monkeys go crazier.
"No, bad monkeys," Kevin groans, pulling the pillow over his head. He can't
remember anything at all but he's pretty sure he's in Zac's bed, again. The
pillowcase is worn soft cotton that smells like Zac.
"Morning," Zac says, amused. Kevin's eyes fly open. Zac is standing over him in
nothing but a towel. Naked! The monkeys scream louder, screeching and banging
away. "Oh no. No no no," Kevin groans, pulling the pillow back over his face.
Zac, naked and wet.
He hates that he can't remember doing naked, sexy things with Zac. He would
have really liked that.
Kevin feels Zac settle on the edge of the mattress next to him. "Dallas," he
says, tugging at the pillow. "I can hear you freaking out, and you should save
it for later."
Kevin pries his eyes open. Zac's hair is wet, falling in his eyes, beads of
water sliding down his chest which Kevin is trying very hard not to stare at.
Zac has a very nice chest.
"What. Why?" he says, brain just barely registering anything beyond naked and
wet and Zac.
Zac's smiling. "Because nothing happened. You had a few too many ciders and
passed out when you dragged me up here to have your way with me."
"I did not," Kevin says indignantly. But it's possible, he thinks sadly. Who
knows what he said or did. "I need this please," and he tugs the pillow back
over his face. "Bad, very bad," he says, muffled.
There's a creaking of bed springs and a rustle of blankets and then Kevin's
shoving the pillow to the floor because Zac's straddling his hips, leaning over
him. He's half naked (naked!) and wet, a dangerous grin in his eyes. "Don't
worry, Dallas, I promise to give you plenty to freak out over."
Kevin is conflicted. Because on the one hand, he really wants to make out with
Zac, despite the pain in his head and the cotton-fuzz taste in his mouth. On
the other hand, ew morning breath and he shouldn't be in Zac's bed wearing only
a t-shirt that doesn't belong to him and his underwear. But on the other other
hand, wow Zac smells good and his skin is warm and there's a lot of it.
Zac's teasing him now, rocking a little on Kevin's hips, grinning down at him.
Kevin blinks up at him. He's really beautiful.
Kevin keeps his lips very tightly pressed together when Zac touches his mouth
to Kevin's. Kevin makes an apologetic face and squirms out of reach. "Morning
breath," he explains. It's important to him. They don't know each other well
enough yet.
Zac pulls back, startled for a beat before he laughs, forehead to Kevin's.
"You're something else, Dallas," he says fondly, touching Kevin's cheek.
"...thank you," Kevin says for lack of anything better to say.
"I'm going to jerk you off now," Zac tells him, as if he's informing Kevin of
his plans to go to the beach later. If Kevin wasn't already sure his brain was
mush he might have started hyperventilating at that.
Instead he just opens and closes his mouth soundlessly like a fish and hope Zac
takes it for what it is, I have no idea what's going on, but okay.
Zac presses himself along Kevin's side, kisses Kevin's cheek in concession to
Kevin's 'no morning breath kissing' thing. Zac just goes for it, pushes his
hand inside Kevin's underwear and touches Kevin like he's done this before,
like he knows what he's doing.
"Oh, um," Kevin chokes out because he's not really hard but give him two
seconds and Zac's hand touching him like that and it won't be a problem.
Kevin doesn't want to just lie there like a beached whale but he's also not
thrilled about making embarrassing noises or writhing around like an idiot. He
touches Zac's arm, his bicep where the skin is warm and still damp from the
shower and just holds on.
Kevin's head's still throbbing a little but admittedly Zac's hand on him gives
him something else to focus on. Except now he can't stop thinking about how
sudden it is, everything that's happened in the last few weeks. In the space of
days he's had his first kiss and wound up in Zac's bed not once but twice.
"Jesus, Dallas, stop thinking so loudly," Zac mutters against Kevin's cheek.
Zac swears a lot. Kevin thinks he's supposed to find that annoying but it's
sort of impossible when Zac's got his hand down Kevin's pants, down his
underwear to be more specific since Kevin's not wearing pants.
"Hey, where are my pants?" he says. He had pants on last night, he's sure of
that, because drunk or not he's sure he would remember being pantsless in Zac's
house, around Zac's friends.
Zac is chuckling a little, this nice vibration against Kevin's skin. He likes
that sound.
"Focus, Dallas," Zac says, amused. He kisses Kevin's chin, his jaw, and does
something with his hand that makes it impossible to focus on anything else.
Zac's hand feels nice, really nice. He likes the confident way Zac touches him.
He chews on his lower lip to keep the noises in and focuses hard on not coming.
This is critical, not coming, and Zac is making it impossible. He has his face
tucked in against Kevin's shoulder, lips pressed to his flushed skin. Kevin has
very sensitive shoulders, especially the spot where his throat meets the slope
of his shoulder and Zac keeps sucking kisses into Kevin's skin. Kevin's never
had a hickey before but there's this quick, fleeting thought that he might like
it if Zac left one on him. And then he feels flushed from that so he has to
stop thinking about it and tries to just stop thinking all together. Thinking
is really not a good idea.
Kevin's trying to keep his hips pinned to the bed to keep from pushing up into
Zac's hand but it's kind of hard because it feels really good. This is nothing
like when Kevin does it. There's nothing ashamed about the way Zac's touching
Kevin, sliding his hand up the length of Kevin's cock, intent and steady and
good. He gives in, just a little, his hips jerking erratically, pushing needy
into Zac's hand.
"Zac," Kevin mumbles, hot and a little sweaty now, curling his hand in Zac's
arm.
"Yeah?" The word vibrates through Kevin, Zac's voice low and kind of gravelly.
Kevin squeezes his eyes closed. He's getting really, really close and it didn't
take any time at all.
"Let me feel it," Zac whispers, his tongue touching the corner of Kevin's mouth
and Kevin's forgotten all about practical things like morning breath and
manners. "Show me what you look like when you come, let me feel it."
Wow, Zac is kind of dirty. There's no room in Kevin's brain to freak out about
it so he settles instead for coming, and hard.
He shudders through it, jerking a little because he's never come like that,
without trying to keep quiet or hide what he's doing. It's different like this.
His back arches hard with it, straining and Zac just keeps his hand on Kevin,
stroking him through it. Zac's still pressing kisses into Kevin's skin, the
curve of his jaw, his cheek, oddly soothing and reassuring, chaste compared to
what just happened.
Kevin's entire body is thrumming, pleasure in his bones. His brain feels a
million miles away. Through the haze he realizes Zac's hand is sliding up
Kevin's cock to his belly, smearing Kevin's come, getting his fingers wet and
sticky with it. Kevin's eyes go wide at that, when Zac rolls to his back and
uses those same fingers on himself.
Kevin doesn't know how his head doesn't explode at that because now Zac is
completely naked. His towel's gone and Kevin should try to find it to cover Zac
up because he really cannot handle how completely naked Zac is. Wow. And it's
not just the naked part but the way looking at Zac's body makes Kevin feel,
fever flushed all over and butterflies in his belly, shivery. Zac's body is -
well. Nice is the word that comes to mind but it's more like amazing and
perfect and WOW. He has a stomach that makes Kevin's tongue itch to taste, and
strong thighs and other parts that Kevin really cannot handle thinking about
right now.
When Kevin lets himself look at Zac's face, his own goes hot again because
Zac's just watching him, his eyes dark and focused. He's breathing hard, arm
moving as he jerks himself. Kevin's not thinking when he reaches out to trace
the planes of Zac's stomach. Zac sucks in a breath, belly going concave.
"Jesus, fuck," Zac curses, biting hard at his lip. He reaches over, fists his
hand in Kevin's sweat damp curls and hauls him forward to press his face to
Kevin's shoulder. Kevin keeps his hand on Zac's stomach, because he wants to
touch but he doesn't think he can handle touching Zac's cock. Not now.
It doesn't really matter though because it doesn't take long for it to happen,
for Zac to open his mouth, suck at Kevin's shoulder with a low groan and come.
Kevin stays there with Zac's hand in his hair, Zac breathing harshly against
him, and just breathes in the way Zac smells, the way he feels.
Zac lets Kevin go, flops into the pillows with a little laugh. "Whew," he
sighs, wiping at his forehead with the back of his hand. His other hand, that
hand, he wipes at his belly, smearing his skin with his come.
Kevin should look away but he just can't. His mouth feels weird, like when he
gets thirsty and he makes a face because he doesn't think that's the right
reaction.
Kevin waits for something to happen, some bubble to break to shake him out of
this weird world where he does sexy things with someone who looks like Zac.
Eventually Zac sits up and Kevin thinks he's going to get up and get dressed
but instead he rolls into Kevin, presses him into the mattress.
"Thanks for the orgasm," he says teasingly, this wicked grin in his eyes. Kevin
opens his mouth to say "you're welcome," because his parents raised him right,
but Zac cuts him off with a kiss. And not just a mouth closed "thank you" kiss,
but a wet, deep, "I can't wait to do this again" kiss.
Kevin's lying there panting, staring at the ceiling when Zac rolls out of bed.
He stands there, blatantly, unapologetically naked and when Kevin can't help
but look, Zac gives him a smile that says, "eat your heart out" and stretches,
arms over head, back arching.
Kevin puts a hand over his eyes and feels little vibrations of pleasure hum
through him when Zac laughs.
"God, you're cute," Zac says, kneeling on the mattress to kiss Kevin again.
It's slower this time, methodic and searching.
When he pulls away, there's something in the way he's looking at Kevin that
makes Kevin's breath catch.
Zac moves around the room, reaches for his towel to wipe at his thighs and
stomach. It's really intimate and Kevin feels flushed watching him. He's never
been as free and easy in his own nudity as Zac is in his and it's kind of
fascinating to watch.
Kevin rolls out of bed to find his pants and Zac catches him around the waist.
"Kevin," he says quietly, seriously. "Everything okay?"
Kevin smiles, a little shaky. "Yes," he says and kisses Zac once, fast.
Kevin finds his pants hanging from the door - he hopes he wasn't the one who
did that - and he pulls them on, legs a little unsteady, back to Zac.
"Come on," Zac says, coming up behind Kevin, a hand on his hip. "I'll make you
breakfast."
Kevin sneaks away to the bathroom first. He scrubs at his teeth with a
toothpaste covered finger, gargles with hot water and hopes it'll do for now.
Zac's in shorts and nothing else, standing at the counter in the very old
kitchen, drinking orange juice. He smiles at Kevin. "I'm a genius at cereal,"
he says, gesturing to the seven different varieties of cereal cluttered above
the fridge.
"I'm sorry about last night," Kevin blurts and goes pink. That's not at all
what he meant to say. It didn't go at all like he'd imagined. He should really
stop letting people give him things to drink.
Zac waves him off. He pulls Kevin against him, hands in his shirt. "You're kind
of adorable when you're drunk," Zac teases, lips brushing Kevin's jaw, "even if
you did ruin my plans for the evening."
Kevin's face goes pink at that.
"Not that I'm complaining," Zac smiles, eyes going soft at the corners. "This
morning was pretty good, too."
Zac kisses the corner of Kevin's mouth before he pulls away, turning towards
the fridge. "What kind of cereal do you like?"
Kevin pours himself a bowl of Cheerios and takes a sip of Zac's orange juice
when it's offered to him.
"Come with me," Zac says, tucking his fingers in the hem of Kevin's t-shirt and
tugging him towards the front door.
Zac lives in this weird cluster of houses, old houses rented mostly to college
students and twenty-somethings, packed to overflowing to lessen the burden of
rent. It's less than a block from the public access beach and they take their
cereal over the dunes to sit in the warm sand.
Kevin was seventeen before he saw the ocean for the first time and he still
isn't used to how overwhelming it is to stand in the sand, wide expanse of blue
before him.
They sit high up on one of the dunes, side by side, with the sun on their
faces. Kevin feels a little self-conscious. Zac's just Zac, completely unfazed
by whatever it was that just happened between them.
Zac sets his empty bowl in the sand and leans back on his elbows, face tilted
up towards the sky.
Zac kisses him then, pulling Kevin down to him with fingers hooked in the neck
of his t-shirt. His lips taste sweet, sugary like his cereal and his mouth is
cool when he licks into Kevin's mouth.
Kevin kisses him back. Zac's smiling a little when Kevin pulls back.
"I like you a lot, Dallas," Zac says, matter of fact like he's commenting on
the weather. Kevin licks his lips and tastes Zac.
 
                                       *
 
Sunday afternoons are quiet on campus, the majority of students playing catchup
on their studies after a weekend of playing.
Kevin has the room to himself and he's spent the last few hours in a pile of
books and notes on his bed, completely immersed in dense history lectures.
He's not expecting the knock and it startles him into jumping, his heart rate
speeding up as he's jolted out of the silence.
"Come in, it's open," Kevin says, breathing hard from the shock. The door opens
and Zac pokes his head in.
"I knew it," he says, grinning. He's got a pizza in one hand and a sack of
drinks in the other. "Dallas, did you even eat lunch?"
The smell of the pizza reminds Kevin that he is actually hungry. He shrugs and
makes a vague gesture to the haphazard mess of books and notes surrounding him.
"You work too fucking hard, Kevin," Zac says but there's no heat in it, just
this sweet concern. "Come on, take a break. I know you must be starving."
"I am, kind of," he admits. He pushes his hair out of his eyes. "Thank you," he
mumbles. Now that he's out of his bubble of homework, he's aware of the way his
shirt clings to his skin, slightly damp with sweat and the slight ache in his
neck from being bent over for so long.
"You can just, uh, set those there," Kevin says, waving towards his desk.
He gets up a little awkwardly, an ache in his spine. Zac reaches for him
automatically, a hand circling Kevin's wrist and pulling him in close.
Kevin soaks in the way Zac feels against him, the press of Zac's chest against
his, the way their hips knock and eventually line up. He tilts his chin
slightly, looking for a kiss.
Zac is reassuring. Kevin needs it, his tendency to get pulled into his own
head, completely absorbed in schoolwork. Zac teases him that he's too serious
about school but Kevin worries sometimes that maybe Zac's right and he should
relax a little. He just hasn't quite figured out how to balance everything.
It's kind of nice, and sweet, that Zac does it for him, pulls him out.
Zac has both hands on Kevin's hips, fingers curled into him almost possessive
in a way. Kevin shuffles closer and opens his mouth to Zac, lets Zac's tongue
curl around his.
Zac smells like the ocean and his skin is warm when Kevin slides his palms up
Zac's arms, hands on Zac's shoulders. "You went to the beach," Kevin mumbles,
breathing in the salt and sand.
Zac smiles. "And one of these days I'm gonna finally convince you to come with
me."
"I like the beach," Kevin insists. "It's drowning I'm not a fan of."
Zac laughs. "You're ridiculous," he says fondly, kissing him again.
They break away, Kevin laughing sheepishly, when his stomach growls. He leans
his forehead against Zac's. "Thank you for this," he mumbles, turning his cheek
against Zac's shoulder.
Zac hums in acknowledgement and moves towards the pizza, setting it down on the
floor and pulling Kevin down to sit across form him, the box between them.
He hands Kevin a can of Pepsi from the sack as well as a handful of napkins.
The pizza is the kind Kevin loves, New York style, huge slices with cheese and
grease dripping from them.
"Oh my gosh," Kevin sighs around a mouthful of pizza, "this is so good, thank
you."
"You're welcome, Dallas," Zac smiles, nudging Kevin's foot with his. "You have
to come up for air, kid, you're going to burn out if you keep going like this."
Zac says it casually, not a lecture, but concern.
This morning Kevin's mom told him the same thing when she called after church
and he told her he'd been up studying since seven.
"I know, I just. I think maybe I overestimated myself," he admits feeling a
little sheepish. Classes have been in session for just over a month now and he
feels like he's swamped, in over his head.
"Don't say that," Zac says, "you're just so serious about it all. If you have
to take a break to catch your breath, you should. It's okay to admit that it's
a lot."
Carlson's listed in the top twenty most academically challenging liberal arts
colleges and Kevin knew that when he enrolled, he just wasn't expecting this.
And he wasn't expecting Zac, either. And if Kevin's being honest, it's probably
why he feels so overwhelmed all the time. It's hard to concentrate on making
the Dean's List when all he wants is to spend every second he can with Zac.
Kevin finishes his second slice of pizza and feels a little better, less crazed
by everything.
"Thanks for this," he says, leaning across to kiss Zac.
Zac hums a you're welcome and curls his fingers in Kevin's hair, deepening the
kiss.
"Come on, let me distract you," Zac whispers against Kevin's lips, smiling
slightly. He tugs Kevin over him as he lays back against the carpet, the pizza
box pushed aside.
"Okay," Kevin agrees. Zac doesn't even have to try to distract him. Kevin's
distracted by Zac even when they aren't together.
Zac is good at kissing. Kevin doesn't even have anything to compare it to, a
couple of middle school kisses with girls that shouldn't count, but he knows by
the way he feels it in his bones, down to his toes.
Kevin pulls back abruptly, breathing hard. He gets to his feet and reaches for
Zac.
"Come up here," he says, pulling Zac up with him. He shoves his books and notes
to the foot of the bed and tugs Zac down with him.
"Mm," Zac smiles, rolling to his side and bringing Kevin against him, "good
idea."
"I'm a genius," Kevin agrees, grinning slightly. He opens his mouth to Zac and
sighs into it, arches at the way they fit together, legs scissored and hips
pressed against each other.
It doesn't take much until Kevin's breathless and hard, his dick pressing
against the seam of his jeans. Zac rocks into it, pushes his hips hard into
Kevin's, startling them both into groaning, low and a little needy.
Kevin clings to Zac, fingers tangled in his t-shirt, his other palm flat
against the hot skin of Zac's lower back. He moves as best as he can, being on
his side like this, and it works, sends heat down his spine and makes him feel
like he's in danger of falling apart.
"Jesus," Zac hisses, pulling back slightly. "Kevin," he mumbles. "You make the
sweetest sounds."
Kevin flushes hot with embarrassment. He didn't know those were coming from
him. Kevin doesn't know how long they stay like that, wrapped up in each other
but they're startled out of it when the door opens.
Kevin panics, forgetting where he is for a second, and pulls a pillow over his
face. He tries to hide Zac with the stuffed monkey Frankie gave him last year.
"Oh, hey," Miles says, letting the door shut quietly behind him. He doesn't
seem at all surprised to find Kevin and Zac tangled up in Kevin's bed. Miles is
kind of awesome.
"Hey man," Zac says, laughing slightly and pushing the monkey away. He reaches
across Kevin and holds out his hand. "I'm Zac."
"Hey, good to meet you, I'm Miles," Miles says, grinning, and shakes Zac's
hand.
Kevin peeks out from underneath the pillow. "Sorry," he says, his face red.
"Dude, it's fine," Mile says, waving him off. "Next time, just leave a sock on
the doorknob and I'll know to leave you to it." Miles doesn't look at all
annoyed which is nice. Kevin probably should have warned him. He just never
thought this would happen to him, ever.
Kevin can feel Zac laughing. He swats half-heartedly at his hip because it's
not really funny.
"Come on," Zac says, rolling to his feet and holding out a hand to pull Kevin
up. "Let's go back to my place."
Kevin's still half hard in his jeans and he yanks his t-shirt down to hide it
as best as he can.
"Good meeting you, Miles," Zac says, pulling Kevin out the door. "Help yourself
to some pizza," he calls over his shoulder.
"You should see your face, it's bright red," Zac laughs, pulling Kevin in
against him, an arm around his shoulder.
"I just, I don't think I told him that I'm uh -" Kevin stops abruptly, cutting
himself off. The words I'm gay still feel like this huge hurdle.
"Don't worry about it," Zac says, still laughing, "I'm sure he's figured it out
by now. Plus, he seems like a cool guy."
 
 
                                       *
 
The first weekend in October is as hot as ever. Zac won't give up on the
surfing thing despite how profusely Kevin tells him that it's not a good idea,
leaving out the part about how terrified he is.
He's tried to use his homework as an excuse, and tries again on Saturday
morning when he wakes up in Zac's bed again.
Zac rolls into him, bracing his weight on his elbows. "Come surfing with me,"
he says, his voice rough and hoarse from sleep, his eyes soft. He looks really
good like this.
"No fair," Kevin sighs. "But I can't," he insists, rubbing his palms down Zac's
naked back where his skin is soft and really warm. "I have homework. A lot of
homework." He launches into a list of all the things he has to do before
Monday. "And I have to do this stupid lab for Astronomy. Astronomy. Who thought
that would be a good idea," he sighs.
Zac's doing something with his thumb, tracing lines down Kevin's shoulder,
trailing a map down his chest. "Really, Dallas?" His voice is soft and Kevin
knows as it's happening that Zac's manipulating him, the way he's touching him,
the gently coaxing tone of his voice. "It's Saturday, it's gorgeous out.
Wouldn't you rather spend it at the beach with me then inside the library
studying?"
Of course Kevin would rather be at the beach with Zac. But not if it involves a
surf board, or a board of any kind. Or being in the water. Kevin loves the
ocean and the beach, but the water is cold, no matter that it's ninety degrees
out. And he's got a very serious fear of drowning, even though it's not
entirely rational. He's a very good swimmer.
Zac's kissing his neck now, little closed-mouth kisses along his throat and
Kevin has to physically keep himself from purring.
"Dallas," Zac mumbles, the words a vibration against Kevin's skin. "If you
don't come, I'm going to think you don't like me."
Kevin doesn't even bother hiding his eye-roll. "Oh jeez," he mutters. He curls
his fingers in Zac's hair and brings him up. "I'm so easy," he sighs.
Zac's eyes go gleefully wide. "I won't even comment on that," he says with a
little smirk.
Zac slips his hand beneath the sheets, his palm warm when he pushes his hand
down Kevin's underwear, wraps it around Kevin's erection. "Thank you," Zac
grins into Kevin's mouth. "You won't regret it, I promise."
Kevin just wraps his arms around Zac's neck and tries not to make too many
embarrassing noises.
Afterwards, Zac smears his sticky fingers across Kevin's skin and kisses him
until they're both breathless.
"I'm going home," Kevin tells him when he's managed to dress himself. Zac's
still lounging naked in bed, arms folded beneath his head, sheets tangled
around his legs. "I'll see you after lunch?"
They've reached a compromise that involves Kevin doing a few hours of homework
and then spending the afternoon at the beach.
Zac gives him a small smile in agreement. "But first," he says, reaching across
the bed for Kevin's wrist and pulling him towards him. He lifts his mouth to
Kevin's and does his best to urge Kevin back down to the bed for more.
"Stop trying to distract me," Kevin laughs, untangling himself from Zac.
"Okay, okay, go be a diligent student," Zac sighs, a wide, happy smile on his
face.
Kevin comes back after three hours of Astronomy homework that made him feel
like his brain was leaking out of his ear. He's standing in Zac's backyard amid
a mess of old surf boards, dirty towels, wetsuits and other beach
paraphernalia. He's wearing the brand new swim shorts his mom bought him. They
still had the tag on this afternoon when he pulled them on and they're a little
ill fitting, really tight across his butt and kind of baggy in the thighs.
Kevin has this problem a lot. It's just, his butt is sort of big, and he
doesn't know how to fix it. He hates his butt.
Zac's looking at him, standing quietly behind him.
"Don't," Kevin says mournfully, covering his butt with two hands. "It's
enormous, I know." He turns around, face a little warm.
But Zac doesn't look like he's making fun. He looks kind of odd, actually,
cheeks pink and eyes kind of unfocused.
"Trust me," he says after a second, clearing his throat. "That is not a bad
thing."
"Oh," Kevin says a little awkwardly, kind of pleased.
"Here," Zac says, handing Kevin a board. "You can use Corbin's." Kevin watches
Zac tuck his own board underneath his arm and Kevin copies him, wobbling a
little as he knocks the board into the old wood fence.
The stretch of beach near Zac's house doesn't usually get a lot of traffic but
there's a fair amount of people there this afternoon. They find a patch of sand
for their towels.
Kevin hands Zac a bottle of sunscreen, SPF 45. "Can you help me with my
shoulders and back?" he says as he smears sunscreen on his face and torso.
"Gladly," Zac says low and Kevin can hear the smirk in his voice.
"Don't be stingy," Kevin says, looking over his shoulder, "I burn really easy."
Zac slathers sunscreen on Kevin's shoulders, down his back and Kevin hums under
his breath in pleasure. Zac's fingers dip briefly beneath the waist of Kevin's
swim shorts, trailing down for a second.
"Zac," Kevin murmurs, going still.
"Sorry," Zac laughs, not sounding at all apologetic.
When they're all lathered in sunscreen and Kevin's run out of excuses, Zac
grabs Kevin's wrist and pulls him towards the water.
Kevin follows with a sense of impending doom. "This is a very bad idea," Kevin
warns Zac. There's no way this is going to go well.
It's hot enough in the sand, the sun beating down on them that the water feels
really nice on his skin, the wet sand squishing beneath his toes. He doesn't
know why they can't just hang out and swim. Surfing doesn't seem so important,
actually.
"Dallas, you don't know what you're missing. It's an absolute rush, getting up
on that board." Zac touches Kevin's hip. "I promise you'll love it."
Kevin was good in gymnastics and pole vaulting. He has no illusions about his
ability to balance on water.
"Okay," Zac says, grinning like he loves this, being in the cold water with
Kevin. That makes Kevin relax a little, going warm at the way Zac smiles at
him.
Zac shows him how to get on his belly on the board, how to use his hands to
paddle out a little ways away from the shore.
They waste an hour out where it's too deep to stand, leaning across to kiss
each other, the sun hot on Kevin's skin.
"You're trying to make me forget I'm supposed to be teaching you how to surf,"
Zac says, his voice low and rough around the edges.
"Is it working?" Kevin says hopefully.
Zac laughs and shakes his head. "Come on, just try it once, I promise you're
not going to drown." He circles his fingers around Kevin's wrist, slides his
hand down to fit their palms together. "I promise I won't let anything happen
to you." He's smiling slightly, a teasing glint in his eyes, but Kevin believes
him.
They paddle out farther and wait for a swell. It's not even that big but Kevin
feels the fear paralyze him and all he can do is cling to his board and watch
as Zac effortlessly gets to his feet, arms spread wide and lets the wave carry
him.
"Wow," Kevin breathes when Zac paddles back to him. "That was amazing." There's
still no way he's ever going to be able to actually do that but it was kind of
breathtaking, watching Zac do it so easily.
"Come on, this one's a good one," Zac says, paddling towards the shore. Kevin
sighs and follows him. He gets his knee under him, fingers clinging for life on
the board, and the wave washes over him and propels him to where it's shallow.
He tries to get to his feet but his fingers won't let go of the board and he
falls off the side, ends up beneath it.
Zac pulls him up, a grip on his shoulder and he comes up spluttering, water
going up his nose. He chokes a little, a mouthful of salt rubbing his throat a
little raw.
Zac is beaming at him. Kevin feels breathless watching him, in a way that has
nothing to do with nearly drowning. Never mind that the water isn't even three
feet deep here.
"That was good," he says, laughing. He shakes the water from his hair and
reaches for Kevin, hooking a finger in the waist of Kevin's shorts.
"You're lying, I didn't even get up," Kevin scowls.
"No," Zac agrees. "But you didn't just stay where you were, either. Progress,
baby," he grins, kissing Kevin's nose.
"Wanna go one more time?" Zac says.
One more time actually turns into five more times and each time is slightly
better than the last. Kevin never actually gets to his feet but there's one
time when he gets on both knees and lets go of the board. That was pretty fun,
actually.
The last run he tries to get one foot flat on the board and ends up going head
over ass off his board.
Kevin's so startled he swallows a mouthful of water and he comes up choking,
waving his hands and squinting as the salt stings his eyes.
Zac lets his board hit the sand and comes over to Kevin, hopping over waves.
His eyes are laughing, but it's not malicious. "Are you okay?" He looks happy,
amused, like this is fun. Kevin admits, if only to himself, that he doesn't
hate this part, Zac's hands on his waist steadying him, smoothing his hair out
of his eyes.
Kevin frowns at Zac until Zac breaks into a wide smile and kisses Kevin quick
and happy.
"Oh my God, Dallas," Zac crows, gleeful, "that was ridiculous."
"Shut up," Kevin mumbles but he's smiling slightly. Zac's joy is contagious. He
lets Zac pull him out to where the water covers their shoulders and they kiss
underneath the late afternoon sun.
It's after five when they haul their gear back to the house, getting dark as
the sun starts to go down. Kevin's this odd combination of giddy and exhausted.
They rinse their sandy feet off with the hose and traipse up the back porch
through the kitchen.
Kevin's skin feels tight from the sun. Kevin warned Zac that this would happen.
He pauses at the open bathroom door, catches a glimpse at himself and makes a
face at his reflection. "I look like a lobster," he says sadly, touching
tentatively at his pink cheek. It stings and he winces.
"You don't," Zac tells him, a hand on his back. "Come on," he says, tugging
Kevin toward the stairs. "I'll make it better." Kevin doesn't think Zac's
talking in terms of medical attention.
He's going to have more freckles after this. "Good," Zac says when Kevin tells
him so, "I like your freckles." He pauses on the staircase to turn and show
Kevin what he thinks of them.
"I especially like this one," Zac says, pressing a kiss to the dip of Kevin's
collar bone. He grins and tries to duck away but Zac catches him, presses him
gently to the banister and kisses his mouth open.
They make it upstairs eventually, both of them a little breathless.
Zac's windows look out over the side alley and Kevin can see the ocean from
here, between the houses. The sun reflecting off the surface makes Kevin think
of diamonds.
Kevin stands awkwardly, unsure, in the doorway waiting. Zac looks at him, a
funny smirk quirking his mouth. "Dallas, what are you doing?"
Kevin shrugs, hands at his sides.
Zac kisses him square on the mouth. "You're ridiculous," he says, affectionate
and teasing. His voice is soft when he says, "lie down on your front."
Zac didn't make his bed this morning and it's oddly intimate, his worn sheets
and threadbare quilt rumpled at the foot of the bed. Kevin lies down, cheek on
the soft cotton of Zac's pillow. He inhales a little. He likes the way Zac
smells. The sunburn has Kevin feeling weirdly vulnerable, like when he gets
sick. He feels sleepy now, too, and a little raw. He's drifting off, body heavy
with it, when Zac climbs up into the bed, kneeling over Kevin's thighs.
Kevin could fall asleep just like this, the breeze floating in through the open
windows, the sunlight warm on his face, Zac's hands on his body.
"It's a little cool," he warns, touching Kevin gently, aloe a shock to his
tender skin. He hisses, but after a second it starts to feel better, the cool
gel soothing against his skin. Zac's hands feel good on his muscles, gentle.
"Good," Kevin sighs. He can feel himself relaxing, his body going boneless.
Zac's hands work over the muscle in Kevin's lower back, the dimples there, up
to his shoulders. Zac works a thumb against the dip between Kevin's shoulder
blades, tension in his body dissolving as Zac takes his time.
"You're falling asleep on me, aren't you?" Zac mumbles quietly, his lips
tracing the shell of Kevin's ear.
Kevin makes a hmm sound but he's already gone.
When he wakes up later the room is dark except for the lamp on Zac's desk.
Zac's at his computer, studying.
"Sorry," he mumbles, yawning a little. He hadn't meant to do that. Zac looks
over and smiles. He crosses the room to the bed and climbs in beside Kevin.
The breeze coming in through the open windows feels good on Kevin's skin.
"Hi," Kevin says quietly, touching Zac's cheek.
Something shifts in Zac's expression. "Hi," he says low, leaning forward to
kiss Kevin.
Waking up is always a disorienting thing, he feels a little out of sorts and he
sinks into the kiss, comfort he didn't realize he wanted. Kevin's getting
better about taking what he wants and he hooks his finger in the neck of Zac's
t-shirt to haul him forward, looking for the reassuring press of Zac's body
against his, the touch of his skin. It feels like maybe all of this is catching
up to him, the speed of everything finally registering.
Kevin stops to catch his breath, tucks his face against Zac's throat. Zac
smells like the water, like sunshine.
"Kevin," Zac whispers. "Alright?"
Kevin makes a noise meant in the affirmative. He tugs at Zac's t-shirt and
lifts his mouth to Zac's.
"I want to get naked with you," Zac breathes into Kevin's mouth, touching his
fingers to Kevin's belly.
Kevin's in just his swim shorts. He's woken up half naked in Zac's bed, let Zac
jerk him off, but they haven't done anything else, not yet.
"Just naked, Kevin," Zac says, thumbing Kevin's nipple and making Kevin arch up
slightly.
"Okay," Kevin agrees, panting slightly.
Kevin focuses his nervous energy on undressing Zac, concentrates on Zac's skin
as it's revealed. "Wow," he says before he can help it. He's seen Zac fully
naked before but he's still not used to the way it makes him feel. Zac's skin
is this golden color like he walks around naked in the sunshine. Except for the
paler skin underneath his shorts, just a shade lighter than the rest. He's hard
when Kevin pulls his shorts down his thighs but Kevin focuses on his firm
belly, the shape of his chest, eyes anywhere but on Zac's dick.
He likes how comfortable Zac is in being naked, like it's so natural there's no
reason to be shy about it. If Kevin could find his voice he might comment on
it. As it is, Zac leaves him a little breathless.
Zac gets to his knees like that between Kevin's thighs, kisses him once and
works him out of his shorts. Kevin lifts his hips off the mattress and focuses
on the way Zac's mouth feels.
Kevin's not so comfortable in his own nudity. He was cursed with a pale
complexion more likely to burn than tan and his own stomach is a little soft,
his hips a little rounder than he'd like. He could get used to this, though,
the way Zac looks at him like there's nothing wrong with him.
Zac pushes gently at his shoulder when the clothes are gone, urges Kevin to lie
on his back against the pillows. It's weird. The room is bathed in low light,
there's nothing to hide behind. He has to fight to keep his hands at his sides,
to keep from doing something embarrassing like trying to cover himself.
Zac isn't moving to push this forward and that's unsettling. He's just looking
at him, like he's studying something worth remembering.
"Come here," Kevin mumbles when he's had enough of this.
Zac smiles. "Don't be embarrassed," he says, running his fingertips up the
inside of Kevin's thigh. Kevin's half hard, his cock lying against his thigh.
Zac wraps his hand around it, slides his fist a couple of times, working Kevin
up.
"Kevin," Zac says. Kevin turns his cheek against the pillow to look at Zac,
kneeling between his spread thighs.
"Tell me if you want me to stop," is all the warning Kevin gets before Zac
bends and takes Kevin into his mouth.
Kevin's so shocked he curls his fingers in Zac's bare shoulder and tries to
push him off.
Zac looks up. "You want me to stop?"
Kevin doesn't know. It's just, that was unexpected, and he's probably going to
come in about two seconds.
"Okay," Zac says when Kevin tells him so. Just like that. Okay, like it's fine
that Kevin has no experience/stamina/control whatever, that the first touch of
Zac's mouth on him has him ready to blow in half a second.
The thing is, Zac doesn't stop touching him. He slides his palms from Kevin's
thighs up to his chest, down his arms to circle his wrists, fit their fingers
together like a reassurance. He keeps one palm flat on Kevin's belly and works
his mouth slowly, just taking his time with it.
When Zac pulls off and looks up at Kevin, Kevin moans, low and shuddering.
Zac's lips are wet and really red, his eyes dark and heavy lidded, like this is
hot for him, too.
"Can I," Kevin mumbles, reaching out. He touches his thumb to Zac's wet mouth.
Zac closes his eyes and lets out a slow breath. When he opens them, he's
looking right at Kevin in a way that makes Kevin feel exposed, more than being
here naked.
Zac opens his mouth and takes Kevin in again, swallows around him until Kevin's
kicking restlessly at the sheets and pushing frantically at Zac's forehead.
"Zac, stop," he pants, his body hot. He can feel it building down in his spine
and hits him suddenly, Zac's mouth still on him.
He goes still as he comes, Zac taking it even as Kevin tries to push him off.
Kevin sags, collapsing against the pillows, an arm over his eyes as he
shudders, coming down.
Zac's still sucking him, his tongue working at his skin like he enjoys this and
wants to savor it.
Kevin pushes at Zac's shoulder, shuddering, over-sensitive. Zac moves up over
him, his own erection hot against Kevin's thigh, shifting his hips into it for
the friction.
Kevin's still breathing hard when Zac kisses him, distracted enough that he
doesn't realize until he's tasting it that Zac still has his come on his
tongue.
Kevin jolts a little, surprised, but he doesn't pull away. He doesn't know if
he likes it, the way it tastes, but he likes the way it feels, Zac hovering
over him, kissing him like this, dirty and heavy and hot.
Kevin's boneless and exhausted but he wraps his arms around Zac's back,
pressing them warm skin to skin and clings.
When he's caught his breath and he feels a little steadier, he pulls back to
mumble, "Zac, I want to," waving his hand vaguely.
Zac shudders and jerks hard against Kevin's hip. "Okay, yeah," he pants.
Zac rolls to his back and Kevin settles on his side, hovering over him. He
touches his fingers to Zac's chest, where his skin is warm and flushed pink. He
trails his palm down the planes of Zac's belly to where his dick is hard, wet
at the tip, against his skin.
Kevin presses his face to Zac's chest for a moment, just to get his bearings.
"I don't know," he whispers. "I don't know what to do," he admits.
"Kevin," Zac says. "Do what feels good," he tells him.
Kevin doesn't understand what that means but he trusts Zac to tell him if it's
not working. He curls his palm around Zac's erection, and lets out a slow
breath. It feels good, weird, but really good, the shape of Zac in his hand,
the hot skin and the firmness, the knowledge that Zac is hard for him.
Kevin kisses Zac, licks into his mouth as he moves his hand tentatively. He can
still taste himself on Zac's tongue and he makes a low, surprised noise at how
much he likes it, heat spiking low down his spine.
Zac shifts his hips up, pushing into Kevin's hand. "Tighter," he breathes,
tangling his fingers in Kevin's hair and holding him close.
Kevin obliges, curling his fist tighter and sliding his palm like he does to
himself, jerking Zac slowly, listening to the way Zac's breathing speeds up,
the way he pants into Kevin's mouth.
It's really hot. Kevin can feel himself try to get hard again.
He speeds his hand up, tries to make it good for Zac. The angle makes his wrist
twinge and he's starting to think it's not working since it's taking a lot
longer than it took for him. But Zac's encouraging him, making little noises,
whispering, "mm, Kevin, just like that" low and dirty into Kevin's mouth so
Kevin keeps going.
"I'm almost there," Zac mumbles breathlessly, tightening his hold on Kevin and
pushing his hips up, looking for more.
Kevin speeds his hand up and waits for it, pulls back to watch Zac's face.
Zac doesn't make a sound when he comes but he arches up, head falling back, and
it's the hottest thing Kevin's ever seen.
Kevin keeps his hand on Zac afterwards, his fingers sticky with Zac's come, and
lets Zac pull him back for a kiss.
"I'm starving," Zac sighs a little later, laughing. "Nothing like good sex to
work up an appetite," he says with a wide grin, just for Kevin's reaction.
Kevin makes a face, only slightly embarrassed, but he leans into it when Zac
kisses him, slow and lazy.
Zac pulls a slightly damp towel up off the floor and wipes at his belly with it
before he reaches for Kevin's hand.
"All clean," Zac says, laughing at the face Kevin feels himself make. "Come on,
let's go order food. Do you like Thai?"
"Mm, yes," Kevin says, starving all of a sudden. It's well past nine and he
hasn't eaten since lunch. He gets to his feet, looking for his clothes. He
pulls his swim shorts back on, still slightly damp, but he can't find his
shirt.
"I lost my shirt," Kevin says. Zac has nice roommates, but he's not quite
comfortable going downstairs to a houseful of them without a shirt.
"Here, wear one of mine," Zac says absently, handing Kevin a shirt from the
laundry basket of clean clothes sitting at the foot of the bed.
"Thanks," Kevin says, pulling it over his head.
The kitchen his crowded when Kevin and Zac join his roommates. Lucas, Vanessa,
Corbin, David, and Vanessa's best friend Ashley are in the kitchen, gathered
around the table, drinking beer and fighting over a takeout menu.
It's probably pretty obvious what they were doing when they walk into the
kitchen, and Kevin feels his face get hot when everyone looks up.
Zac doesn't seem fazed, though. He yanks the menu from Corbin's hands and
passes it to Kevin. "Almost everything is good, but I'd stay away from the
shrimp."
They place the order and hang out waiting for the food to come, Zac and Kevin
sitting on the counter.
Kevin's aware of David watching him every now and then, eyes darting to Kevin.
He's not shy about it, just watching him openly. Something about it makes Kevin
feel flushed.
Zac doesn't seem to notice.
 
                                       *
 
Kevin takes a break from midweek homework to go over to Zac's. He had to force
himself to do it, he could feel himself start to get a little crazy.
They're making out in front of the TV in the living room, the downstairs part
of the house quiet, though there's music filtering down from the second floor.
Kevin's spent the past few days thinking about Saturday afternoon, about Zac's
mouth on him and the taste of himself afterward on Zac's tongue. He's jerked
off thinking about it and lost a few study hours thinking about it, about
wanting to try it. He doesn't know if he can do it, but he wants to try, he
wants to make Zac feel like that.
The sense memory of the way it felt, the heat of Zac's mouth on him, has stayed
with Kevin.
Kevin takes a steadying breath. "Can we, um," he whispers, catching Zac's hand
in his and pressing their fingers together. "Can we go upstairs?" He licks his
lip nervously, and tastes Zac.
Zac's smiling slightly but not like he's making fun. "Yeah," he says, pulling
Kevin up off the sofa, "come on."
Upstairs the music is louder and Kevin is grateful for it, hopes it'll drown
out the sounds of whatever's about to happen.
Kevin shuts the door behind him and throws the lock. Zac's standing there
watching him, waiting, like he can sense this is about something that Kevin
wants.
Kevin doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know if there's anything he's
comfortable saying so he just says, "Zac, I want to, um" and falls to his
knees.
He lifts his face, flushed hot with embarrassment and nerves, and reaches for
Zac, fumbling with the buttons on Zac's shorts. Zac is still, waiting and
watching.
This is unfamiliar ground and he's unsure of himself here, out of his depth. He
leans his forehead against Zac's belly, just for a breath. This is what he
wants. He just maybe needs a little guidance.
Zac makes a low soothing sound, pushes his fingers encouragingly through
Kevin's hair.
"You're good, Kevin," he hums. It's not pushing, it's reassurance and it
steadies Kevin just enough.
Kevin tugs Zac's shorts down around his hips. He focuses on the way it feels to
be on his knees, the physical ache of his bones on threadbare carpet just to
have something to anchor him.
Zac's half hard, the shape of his cock against the thin material of his
underwear. He keeps touching Kevin, carding his fingers through Kevin's hair,
touching his cheek. It helps.
Kevin presses his face there, to the front of Zac where he's warm, and inhales.
He can feel Zac shiver slightly and he smiles a little, pleased, relaxing.
Kevin reaches up with both hands to hook his fingers in the waist of Zac's
underwear and pushes them down his hips to bunch around his thighs.
Kevin wraps his palm around Zac, like he did last time, not as tentative. He
takes a breath and opens his mouth, licks once at the head of Zac's dick just
to taste. He feels Zac take a shuddering breath and he looks up, just to make
sure this is okay. Zac's just watching him, unmoving.
Zac is warm, the flesh strange on his tongue, foreign. When Kevin licks again,
a little firmer, he feels the way Zac reacts, going tense like it's a struggle
to keep himself still. He takes a slow, shuddering breath that Kevin can feel.
Kevin wraps his palm around Zac and strokes experimentally, fingers firm around
him, and opens his mouth to take the head between his lips. It's shocking a
little, the stretch of it, the way just that bit fills his mouth. It's a trick
to keep his teeth covered, his tongue flat. He just sits there like that for a
minute, adjusting to the stretch and the fullness. He likes it.
Breathing is tricky, something else to remember, to keep track of, in through
his nose and out. He strokes Zac, moves his hand, and makes a little suction,
just to see what happens. Zac's fingers tighten in his hair, a sharp fleeting
pain that shocks Kevin into a gasp. Zac pulls away.
"Shit, Kevin, sorry, sorry." Zac's mumbling. "I didn't mean to -"
"It's okay," Kevin cuts in. He didn't mind it. "It just startled me. It's - "
he pauses, licks his lower lip where he can taste Zac. "I like it."
They try it again, Zac's palm flat on the crown of Kevin's head, and Kevin
takes him back in, sucking at the tip, sliding his hand awkwardly down the
length. Kevin likes the way it feels, that firm hot flesh filling his mouth. He
likes touching, too, slides his hand, palm flat, beneath Zac's t-shirt to press
against his skin. Like this, he can feel the breaths Zac takes, the flutter of
muscle beneath his palm. Like this, he can feel the way Zac reacts, more than
just the throb of him in his mouth.
Kevin likes feeling Zac get harder in his mouth, hard and wet at the tip now.
He pulls off to take a full breath and there's clear liquid beaded at the tip.
He flicks at it with his tongue, and hums in pleasure when Zac curls his
fingers in his hair again, encouraging. It's salty, like the way Zac tasted
with Kevin on his tongue. He does it again, tries to get more of it.
He opens his mouth, tries to take in as much as he can, opens his mouth wide,
too much too fast. It hits the back of his throat, forgotten gag reflex that
startles him into choking. He pulls of, gasping.
"Sorry, sorry," Kevin mumbles, pulling back, face hot with humiliation. He
wants to be better at this. He presses his hand to his eyes for a second.
"Kevin," Zac says hoarsely. "Look at me."
Kevin takes a steadying breath - he's hard and hot and shaky, confused jumble
of emotions leaping around his brain.
Zac touches his cheek, quietly urging him to open his eyes.
"Stop. This is good," Zac says. He wraps his own palm around his dick as if to
remind Kevin how much he likes this. He touches the head to Kevin's cheek,
smears the tip across his wet, swollen mouth, nudging his lips open. Kevin
takes him in but doesn't try to go deep again, just sucks at as much fills his
mouth and slides his fist over the rest. He's uncomfortably, painfully hard,
throbbing with it. He presses his palm to the front of his jeans just for a
little relief.
He can feel the way Zac's breathing changes, the noises he makes and Kevin's
pulse speeds up, his cock going impossibly harder at the anticipation. He can
feel it and he wants it, Zac filling his mouth. Hot disappointment and
confusion rushes over him when Zac pushes at his forehead, forcing him off.
Kevin blinks up at Zac, mouth open to ask but Zac's focused, eyes on Kevin's,
hand jerking himself rough and quick.
Oh, Kevin thinks, fingers curling around his erection. He feels it, eyes
falling shut, when Zac comes, the first of it landing hot on his chin. Kevin
forces his eyes open to see it, seeks it out with his mouth, the burst of it on
his tongue. He jerks and shakes, shudders and comes just like that in his
jeans, face hot, wet streaks on his skin.
When Zac stops shaking, hand going still, Kevin leans up, tongue flat to lick
at the tip. He sucks again, just a little, to taste what he can, and Zac
flinches.
"Too much," he whispers, raw.
Kevin doesn't really want to explain that he liked that so much he came with
hardly anything so he stays there on the floor despite the throb in his knees
and the ache in his back.
Zac kicks out of his shorts and underwear, stands there shamelessly in just his
t-shirt before that's gone too and he's completely naked. "Come up here," he
says hoarsely, reaching for Kevin, fingers on his wrist to pull him up.
Zac's reaching for the buttons on his jeans and Kevin flinches away,
embarrassed.
"Dallas, what?" Zac says. Kevin makes a face.
"Oh shit, are you, oh," Zac says all at once. He kisses Kevin hard, chases the
taste of himself from Kevin's mouth.
Zac's gentle, sweet, as he lays Kevin out on the bed.
He works Kevin's stained underwear and jeans down his thighs, tosses them to
the floor. He uses his own discarded t-shirt to wipe what's left from Kevin's
belly, his cock - half hard again, or still, Kevin's not sure which.
Zac pulls Kevin's t-shirt off and covers him, naked skin to skin. That's nice,
the way it feels to be naked, pressed hot like this with Zac.
Kevin digs his fingers into Zac's back, bare skin warm, muscle bunching and
flexing beneath his hands.
Kevin comes again, a little later, hot and sticky between the two of them.
 
                                       *
 
Kevin wakes up in Zac's bed, both of them naked, legs twisted together. It's
the light poring into the room that woke him.
He stays still for a second, listening to the sounds of people getting up and
ready for class, Vanessa fighting nine guys for the bathroom.
He slips down the back stairwell and out through the kitchen. It's the first
time he hasn't waited for Zac to wake up.
Something's shifted, something feels different.
The thing is, Kevin is not a good liar. He just can't, and it always ends
badly. It's his face, he's pretty sure, he's got a very expressive face and his
voice gets wobbly when he tries to lie. It wouldn't be a problem because Kevin
is an almost painfully honest person. Except for the fact that his mother keeps
calling, and she keeps asking if he's met any nice girls.
Kevin walks back to campus quickly. He very badly needs a shower before his
nine o'clock class, he can still smell come on his skin. He gets hot at that
and then something inside of him shifts and breaks loose and he feels panicky.
In less than a month, he's fallen into this - whatever - with Zac, and all of a
sudden he's this person who gives blowjobs and falls asleep in the bed of a boy
he's known for mere weeks.
It's just. It's kind of overwhelmingly a lot and he was good with it, but now
it's become this huge part of his life that he loves and can't share with the
people he loves.
The last time his mom called he let it go to voicemail. He still hasn't called
her back. He can't, not when it means lying about this huge thing in his life
that's become really important when he wasn't even looking.
By the time he gets back to the dorm he's worked himself up into a mess of
emotions.
"Hey," Miles says when Kevin lets himself into their room. "I thought you were
at Zac's." He grins in a way that Kevin interprets as good for you, you dog.
"Yeah, sorry," Kevin mumbles. He has no idea why he's apologizing.
"Hey, it's cool, I'm not your mother," Miles says, shaking his head. "I'm going
to get breakfast before class, wanna come?"
Kevin shakes his head. "Can't," he says, "gotta shower." He can't look at
Miles.
"Hey, dude," Miles says, putting a gentle hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Are you
okay?"
Kevin shakes his head abruptly and then starts nodding like a bobble head. "Oh
yes, good, I'm good," he says and he ducks out from under Miles' hand and
starts digging for clean clothes.
"Yes, shower, I'm gonna," Kevin mutters and takes off down the hall, his arms
full.
 
                                       *
 
In Kevin's head, the best thing to do is just pretend like everything's okay.
So he ignores Zac's phone calls and tries to disappear. It works for a day and
a half until Kevin comes back from class and finds Zac waiting for him on the
steps of his dorm.
"Hey," Zac says softly, concerned, "is everything okay? I saw Miles at lunch
and he said you've been weird. Did something happen with your family?"
Kevin feels his throat get tight. Of course Zac's worried. He's not mad that
Kevin's been avoiding him, but here asking about Kevin's family. It's one of
the reasons Kevin likes him so much.
"Hey, Kevin," Zac says quietly, when Kevin doesn't say anything, "you can talk
to me." He hesitates. "Come on," he says, grabbing Kevin's hand and pulling him
toward the stairs.
Kevin's room is empty when Zac ushers them inside.
"Is everything okay? What's going on? I assumed you were just busy with
homework but Miles made it sound like something's going on." Zac touches
Kevin's hip. "Kevin," he urges gently "talk to me."
Kevin takes a breath but nothing comes out. He watches Zac go still, something
like understanding crossing his face.
"Is this." Zac stops and takes a breath. "Is this your way of saying you want
to stop?"
Kevin's kind of surprised that Zac's here but he should have known better. He
just kind of expected Zac to give up on him when Kevin kept ignoring his calls.
He's an idiot for thinking he could just disappear.
"No," Kevin whispers. "I just. Um." He takes a breath through the tightness in
his chest. "I'm sorry," he mutters.
He can't look at Zac, at the sadness in Zac's eyes, like maybe this is so much
more to him than Kevin thought.
"You don't understand," Kevin says a little desperately.
"Then, fuck, Kevin," Zac says, "explain it to me." He's standing across the
room and Kevin just wants to go to him and have everything just magically be
alright.
Kevin's known the truth about himself since he was seven years old and he just
always figured it would be one of those things he kept to himself. Zac's ruined
it now. Because now he knows what it's like to be his real self, to be liked
and wanted for who he really is, not the person he thinks he's supposed to be.
And then he remembers his parents and their dreams for him and everything
shifts and he feels like he can't get his balance.
Kevin's quiet long enough that Zac comes to some conclusion in his head. "Okay,
then," he says flatly. "I get it. Sorry for showing up here."
He moves past Kevin like he's going to leave and walk away and Kevin panics. "I
can't lie," he blurts.
Zac stops. "What?"
"I can't lie," Kevin says, "I'm bad at it, everyone always knows when I'm
lying, it's my face, and my voice gets all wobbly. My mom calls and she asks if
I've met any nice girls and. Zac," Kevin says feeling a little desperate, his
breath getting short, "I can't lie." He tries to take a deep breath but it's
painful and it won't come. He tries again and it stops short in his chest. He's
hyperventilating, he realizes, and it gets worse as he tries to catch his
breath.
Zac looks alarmed. He strides forward and braces Kevin with hands on his
shoulders.
"Breathe, Kevin, Jesus," Zac mutters. "Look at me, focus." Kevin tries to get
through the panic in his head and look at Zac, focus on him. "Take a deep
breath," Zac says gently, encouraging.
Kevin takes a slow, deep breath, pulling air into his lungs and he can feel it
work, calming him just a little.
Zac talks Kevin through it. "It's okay, shh, it's fine. It's alright." Zac
takes Kevin's hand and guides him to sit at the edge of his bed. "Here, sit
down."
Kevin sits and Zac sits next to him and they're quiet as Kevin tries to steady
his breathing.
"This is partly my fault," Zac says quietly after a while.
"What? Zac, no," Kevin says, shaking his head. Zac's been - well. Zac's been
everything Kevin's always wanted.
Zac curls his fingers in Kevin's, their joined hands resting on his knee. "We
should have had this conversation from the beginning." He sighs. "I knew I was
your first, I just. I guess I just assumed your parents knew you're gay." Zac
rubs his free hand over his face.
Kevin shakes his head. "No," he whispers. "My parents don't know."
Joe knows, because Joe is weirdly observant and he pointed it out to Kevin when
Kevin assumed no one but he himself knew. And Nick knows because Joe tells Nick
everything. Frankie probably already figured it out. He's smarter than the
three of them combined. But his parents, that's different. His mom has all
these plans for him, shares stories of her dreams for his wedding and her first
grand baby. And his dad, well. He already knows what is and isn't acceptable
with his dad.
"My mom's known about me since I was eleven," Zac says after a while. He looks
over at Kevin and gives him a sad smile. "She's the one that told me,
actually." He takes a breath. "I told her about you the day we met, Kevin."
Kevin looks up, surprised. "You did?"
"She knows everything. I told her about how you can't surf and that you take
school too seriously, about your family and how much you love them. She knows
about your crazy obsession with sea turtles, and that you talk in your sleep,
the way you pick the cheese off your pizza," Zac pauses, "and that I'm kind of
crazy about you."
Kevin realizes then that he's crying. He grimaces at Zac, embarrassed, and
pushes his hand away when Zac tries to comfort him. "Don't," Kevin pleads. He's
not a crier, and he hates that he's doing this now. He wishes things were
different.
"Kevin," Zac says, "please don't cry." He tucks Kevin in against his shoulder,
presses a kiss to his temple and something cracks in Kevin and he dissolves,
shoulders shaking.
Afterwards, he can't look at Zac. He stands up to find tissues, ignoring the
way Zac's looking at him.
"Don't," Zac says abruptly, making Kevin flinch. "Stop fucking pulling away
from me."
"Sorry," Kevin mumbles. He knows he's shutting down, pushing Zac away, but it's
just. It's a lot all at once and he doesn't know what to do.
"No," Zac mutters, pushing a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry." He reaches for
Kevin, wraps his arms around him and hugs him in the kind of hug that reminds
Kevin of home, of his parents and his brothers. Kevin tries to relax into it.
"Zac," Kevin says because he feels like he owes Zac more than this. "I'm - it's
just a lot, all at once. I'm sorry I freaked out."
Zac rubs his palms down Kevin's back and steps away so he can look at Kevin.
"Okay," he says. "Do you want me to back off?"
Kevin doesn't hesitate. "No, I. I want this, I do." He takes a breath. "I'm
just saying because - I'm just saying."
Zac exhales a slow breath. "Okay, then," he says quietly.
 
                                       *
 
Things have changed between them now. It's not the way it was. Kevin knows it's
his fault but he doesn't know how to fix it. Zac's more cautious around him,
like he's afraid of another meltdown. Kevin can't even blame him.
When he goes to Zac's on Friday night, a few days later, it's because he's
trying to fix things and not because he really wants to. He talked Rachel into
coming with him and she talks nonstop as she drives, this beat up Honda Civic
she calls Pepe.
"You're quiet," she says as she pulls into the alley behind Zac's house. "Is
everything okay? I thought you said things were okay between you and Zac."
Kevin told Rachel about what happened and she's been a good friend about it,
better than he feels he deserves.
"Yeah," Kevin says, "but they're different. I think, I don't know, Rachel. I
think maybe I ruined it."
"No, Kevin," Rachel says, putting the car in park and leaning across the seat.
She pulls his hand into hers. "Zac really likes you. Just be patient, hmm?"
She gives him a quick hug. "Come on, let's go get drunk," she grins, pulling
away.
The party's spilled out into the backyard and they pick they're way through the
drunken mess of people, up the back steps and into the kitchen.
Zac's there with Ashley and Vanessa, leaning against the counter with a beer in
his hand.
Zac still smiles when he sees Kevin. It's not as free and open, but it's got
the same softness at the corners and it makes Kevin feel the way it did before,
warm all over. Maybe this will work, maybe they'll be okay.
"Hey," Kevin says, pulling Rachel along with him.
"Hey," Zac echoes, giving Kevin a slow, sweet kiss. "Hi, Rachel," he says,
smiling at her when he pulls away, keeping Kevin close with a hand on his hip.
"Glad you could make it."
"Thanks for inviting me," Rachel says brightly.
Zac introduces Rachel to Vanessa and Ashley and pulls Kevin down the darkened
corridor off the kitchen where it's less noisy.
"Hi, thank you for coming," Zac says quietly, leaning against the wall, palming
Kevin's hips.
Kevin smiles and feels something loosen, like this is going to be okay. They're
going to be fine. "Thanks for having me," he smiles, lopsided.
Zac's grins wide. "Come on, I'll find you something to drink. Maybe just some
Sprite," he says teasing.
In the kitchen, Rachel's sitting at the table with Ashley, talking animatedly
about some actor Kevin's never heard of.
Ashley looks up when they come in. "Sorry, Rachel, can you give me a second?"
She gets up. "Zac, can I talk to you for a second?" she says.
"Yeah," Zac says, concerned. "I'll be right back," he tells Kevin and follows
Ashley into the living room and out the front door.
"I wonder what that's about," Kevin mutters, sitting in Ashley's vacated seat.
Rachel leans in conspiratorially. "Vanessa's ex boyfriend showed up just now.
She got really upset and stormed out." She hands Kevin her red party cup. "You
have to try this, it's so good, it tastes like candy."
Kevin takes a sip. It's sweet and it slides down him smoothly, making him warm.
"Good," he says, "I'm stealing this."
Rachel shrugs, grinning. "That's fine, I'll get that cute guy to get me more,
wherever he went."
"That cute guy," turns out to be David and he comes in off the porch a few
minutes later, two milk jugs of something pink in his hands.
"Kevin," David grins, patting Kevin on the back as he sets the punch on the
counter. "Good to see you, it's been what - a whole week? I was starting to
think you and wonder boy had broken up."
Kevin frowns. "No," he says sharply. "We're great."
"So I hear," David says, in a way Kevin doesn't like, like maybe David knows
something Kevin doesn't.
Rachel waves her hand in David's face. "Can I get some more of the liquid candy
please?" she says. "Kevin stole mine."
Kevin makes an apologetic face, except he's not really sorry. He feels better
now then he did before he got here, mostly because of Zac and maybe partly
because of the punch.
David gets Rachel a new cup and refills Kevin's, standing a little too close.
"Thank you," Kevin says loudly, gripping the cup in both hands and pulling away
abruptly.
"Kevin, honey," Rachel says, eyes wide as Kevin drinks half his cup in one
swallow, "maybe you should go slow, what do you say." She puts a gentle hand on
Kevin's shoulder.
"Can't," he gasps, taking a breath, "too good." He downs the rest and holds his
cup up for David. "More, please, David Henrie."
David's leaning against the counter, arms crossed, watching Kevin with an
amusement Kevin doesn't get. "Sure thing boss man," David says with a shrug and
fills Kevin's cup until the punch sloshes over the rim, getting Kevin's wrist
sticky.
"Hey!" Kevin says. "Don't waste it." He brings his hand to his mouth and licks
at his skin.
"Okay kid," David says, "come on." He pulls Kevin up but it doesn't work out so
well, Kevin stumbles and his drink sloshes on his shirt, staining it pink.
"Let's go get some air," David says. Kevin has a weird sense of deja vu, even
through the mush his brain has become.
"Air is good," Kevin agrees, nodding. "Is it hot in here?"
"Okay," Rachel says getting up and moving towards the living room where it's
louder and there's a crowd of people. "I'm gonna go dance by myself."
It's quieter out here. David leads Kevin to a corner of the porch. He takes
Kevin's cup from him. "Zac's not going to be happy with me," David says, "I
should take better care of his boy."
Kevin likes the way that sounds. Zac's boy. "Yeah," he sighs, feeling a little
lightheaded. "You have to take better care of me, I'm Zac's."
Something about those words doesn't sound right but Kevin just shrugs and sags
against the railing.
"I need to stop drinking," Kevin sighs, leaning against David. "Why is there so
much drinking here?"
David's pressed up against his side, and Kevin shuffles in closer because it's
cool out here at night, the breeze from the ocean making it chilly. David
slings an arm around Kevin's shoulder and Kevin sags a little into him.
"You're warm," he says. David is taller than Zac, and skinnier, he has less
defined muscle than Zac. He feels nothing at all like Zac. It's neither a good
thing or a bad thing but Kevin comments on it anyway.
"You're not Zac, you don't feel like him," Kevin sighs. He likes Zac a lot.
"No," David agrees, and he's a lot closer than Kevin remembered, his breath
warm on Kevin's face. "I'm not Zac." There's a sharpness in the way he says it,
like he's said it before.
"Hey," Kevin says, straightening up slightly. He grabs David's collar and hauls
him closer. "It's okay, I'm not Zac either." He sighs, tripping a little on
nothing and colliding into David. David braces him, hands on his hips. "David,"
Kevin tells him, "we can't all be Zac."
Kevin feels his head get fuzzy like he just needs to go to sleep. "I'm going to
rest now," Kevin says, resting his forehead against David's shoulder.
David's hand is warm, his fingers gentle at the back of his neck. That makes
him think of Zac. "Zac," Kevin breathes, and David goes still, tense.
Kevin stands up straight. "I have to go find Zac, I have to tell him - I love
him." Kevin feels his eyes get wide. He knows he's not completely with it, that
the candy juice is making him a little crazy, but he feels it like a certainty.
He loves Zac.
"I love Zac!" He says louder. "Okay, I have to go find him, thanks for the
juice, David Henrie," Kevin says and turns towards the door.
"Kevin," David says, catching Kevin's wrist in his.
"Hmm?" Kevin says, slightly slurred. He's starting to feel a little dizzy.
David hesitates and then before Kevin's drunk brain can react, David's mouth is
on his. David's lips are sticky sweet but it's all wrong.
Kevin pushes David away, a hand on his chest. "Hey, wait a minute," he says
sharply. "You are not Zac. Only Zac kisses me," Kevin says, poking David in the
chest.
"It's okay, Zac's not here," David says, like he's calming a skittish kitten.
"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
David leans in again and Kevin braces both hands on David's chest and opens his
mouth to tell David off.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Kevin hears from somewhere behind him.
"Zac!" Kevin sighs. "See, I told you. Only Zac," he says to David before he
spins around. Zac's standing in the light from the kitchen, a hard, angry look
in his eyes that Kevin's never seen before. Vanessa's with him, her eyes red
like she's been crying.
David's hands are still at Kevin's waist, catching him when Kevin tries to go
to Zac.
"Let go," Kevin mumbles just as Zac says, "get your fucking hands off him." His
face is red and his eyes are hard. He won't look at Kevin.
"It wasn't anything he doesn't want," David says with a shrug.
Kevin opens his mouth to call David a liar but everything happens so quickly.
Zac pulls Kevin out of the way and before Kevin can react, Zac's hauling back
to punch David square in the jaw.
"Shit!" Vanessa yells, covering her mouth.
"Oh no!" Kevin yells because he doesn't swear but this is really bad. Kevin
heard the sound Zac's fist made connecting with David's jaw. It sounded loud.
"Fuck, son of a bitch," Zac groans, pain crossing his face as he presses his
hand to his chest. David's bent over, gasping, a hand at his jaw.
Vanessa rushes forward, pushing Kevin gently out of the way. "David, now would
be a good time to disappear," she says before she turns to Zac, cradling his
hand in one of hers.
"Fuck you," David mutters though there's no heat in it. He turns towards the
house, sees Kevin and stops.
"Sorry, kid," David mumbles right before he slips into the kitchen.
"Zac, are you okay," Kevin whispers, rooted to his spot. He's never seen Zac
look like that, like he could tear David apart with his bare hands. He's never
seen anyone punch another person, either.
"Zac," Kevin mumbles again, taking a stumbling step forward. He reaches for
Zac, just to touch him and reassure him that it's okay, Kevin knows now what he
wants.
"Shit," Zac mutters, leaning on Vanessa. "Fucking asshole." He's cradling his
hand and wincing.
Kevin takes a startled step backward at the look in Zac's eyes. He feels his
stomach lurch dangerously, a feeling he knows way too well.
"Dallas, wait," Zac mumbles, taking a step towards Kevin as Kevin turns and
flees towards the bathroom.
He barely makes it in time. By the time he's done throwing up, he's sure
there's nothing left in him.
When he stops gagging he realizes Rachel's with him, kneeling beside him, her
hand cool on the back of his neck as she rubs soothing circles into his skin.
"Are you okay?" She says quietly, handing Kevin a cup of water. He doesn't feel
drunk anymore. He feels miserable, like maybe something really amazing just
ended.
He shrugs, taking a slow sip.
"Vanessa filled me in," Rachel says, rearranging herself so she's sitting
cross-legged, facing Kevin.
"Yeah," Kevin mumbles. "I'm pretty sure you were lucky you missed it." He rubs
at his mouth as if he could scrub the memory of David away.
"I don't know if you're ready to leave or not," Kevin says apologetically,
"but, do you think you could take me home?"
His chest is tight, his throat raw from throwing up and he wants to try to
forget tonight happened.
"Sure, honey," she says getting to her feet. She holds her hand out to Kevin
and Kevin lets her haul him up, only wobbling slightly. She wraps an arm around
his waist and gives him a hug. "It's okay, it'll be okay."
Kevin doesn't say anything. He doesn't know if he believes her.
 
                                       *
 
Kevin thinks they just need space, they just need a day or two to get past what
happened.
He waits until Sunday before he walks to Zac's and even that is hard.
He spends Saturday with Rachel in the library but he doesn't get much done. He
keeps replaying the whole stupid scene in his head, the look on Zac's face like
Kevin betrayed him.
When he talks to his mother on the phone on Sunday morning it's easier to avoid
talking about Zac. He doesn't know where things are between them.
Part of Kevin kept hoping Zac would call him or come over but there's just
disappointment in that.
Zac's usually up early on Sundays and it's not yet nine when Kevin slips in
through the kitchen up the back steps. Zac's bedroom door is open which means
Zac's probably in the bathroom. Kevin doesn't go in, he's not sure what's
allowed, he waits in the hallway.
Zac comes out a few minutes later, a towel around his waist, wet from the
shower.
He stops short when he sees Kevin waiting. His eyes go wide for a beat, but
that softness that's usually there is absent.
"Dallas," Zac says quietly. "What are you doing here?"
It's that question that tells Kevin things are over. He's never needed a reason
before.
"Um, hi," Kevin says quietly. "I just wanted to. Um, I came to." He stops to
take a breath. "Can we talk?"
Zac hesitates. "Sure," he says after a beat. "Just let me get dressed."
"Okay, okay thanks," Kevin says, shifting awkwardly. "I'll just wait
downstairs." He turns to head down the steps.
"Kevin," Zac says quietly, catching Kevin's wrist as he brushes past. "Don't be
silly." He gestures towards his bedroom and Kevin follows him in.
Zac shuts the door behind him as Kevin sits on the edge of the bed, looking
down at his hands as Zac moves around the room.
"Come on," Zac says, when he's dressed. "Let's take a walk."
They don't say anything. Zac takes them to the beach, to the same spot where
they ate breakfast together.
Kevin sits in the sand, crosses his legs and takes a breath.
"It's just a big misunderstanding," Kevin blurts out before he can stop
himself. He doesn't know what else to say, how to fix this between them. "I was
drunk and David took me outside for some air. I didn't know - Zac, I didn't
know he was going to do that. I tried to move past him to come and find you, I
wanted to tell you - I had something to tell you. And he just. He kissed me."
"I saw the whole thing," Zac says quietly.
"So then, you know," Kevin says, relieved. "He kissed me, I didn't want him
to."
"Yeah," Zac says quietly. "I know."
But. Kevin's missing something. It doesn't make sense.
"Kevin," Zac sighs. "I know you didn't kiss him, that he took advantage of
you." He touches Kevin's hand then. "I'm really sorry for that, he shouldn't
have done that."
There's something in Zac's tone that Kevin doesn't like, like Kevin's not going
to want to hear what he says next.
"I think I just. I realized how far apart we are," Zac says on a breath, like
something he's been holding inside.
"I don't understand," Kevin says. "What, we're not far apart. We're good, you
and me, we're really good."
"Kevin," Zac says sadly. "You're seventeen. You've lived your whole life in
this sheltered little bubble, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just
saying." Zac takes a breath. "I'm just saying we're in different places. When I
was seventeen I'd had boyfriends and I'd been fucked and fucked over."
Kevin flinches at that, feels his face go red.
"That's part of what I'm talking about," Zac says a little desperately,
gesturing towards Kevin.
"I just. I thought it would be okay, you and me despite how different our lives
are. I didn't think four years was that big a deal."
"It's not, Zac, it's not. We're good together. I'm sorry," Kevin whispers.
"Hey, don't apologize," Zac says quietly. "You don't have anything to apologize
for. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just telling you, I think we're just - I
think maybe we're too different."
"Is this because my parents don't know about me?" Kevin says trying not to
sniffle. He doesn't want this to go like that.
"I won't lie and say that's not part of it, Kevin," Zac concedes. "I just. I've
been where you are, but I've also been out since I was sixteen and earlier than
that to my family. I don't know what it's like to not be able to be myself with
my mom. And I can't pressure you into doing what you aren't ready for."
"Okay," Kevin mumbles. "Can you go now please?" His voice cracks and he's
trying to hold on, he doesn't want a scene with Zac. He just wants this to be
over so he can get past it.
"Kevin," Zac says sadly.
"Just please," Kevin whispers, "just go."
Zac makes a face like an attempt at a smile that falls short. He leans over and
brushes Kevin's curls out of his eyes, like he's done a dozen times before. But
it feels different. Zac palms Kevin's cheeks, pulls him close so their mouths
brush.
Kevin feels the sob bubble it's way out before he can stop it and he jerks
away, shoulders shaking.
He presses his palms to his face. "Zac, just go."
He feels Zac hesitate for a second and then he's getting up. "I'll see you
later, Kevin," Zac says sadly.
Kevin stays there for a while. He doesn't cry - he won't let himself. He
watches the beach slowly fill up, watches the joggers and the little kids. He
sits there until he loses track of time.
It's close to lunch time when he makes it back to campus.
He goes through the motions, he showers and eats a peanut butter sandwich,
gathers his books and heads to the library. It's easy to just get lost in his
homework, he knows how to do that. It helps, actually, to have something to
focus on. It's a relief, the first time since school's started he's glad to
have the course load he has.
Rachel joins him a little while later, coming in quietly.
"Oh Kevin, honey," she says when she sees the look in his eyes.
He shakes his head. He doesn't want to talk about it.
"Okay," she agrees, "no talking about it." She nudges his foot with hers. "You
know I love you, right? And I'm here if you need me?"
His voice won't work so he just nods.
 
                                       *
 
"Get up," Miles says, a command that pulls Kevin out of sleep. He's been in bed
since dinner, slipping in and out of consciousness.
He rolls to his back to blink up at Miles, who's standing over his bed with
narrowed eyes. He has a towel in one hand and some of Kevin's clothes in the
other. "Go shower, and then we're going out."
Kevin frowns, thinks about saying something but decides it's too much effort so
he rolls back to his front and pulls the pillow over his head.
It's been a week, the longest week of Kevin's life but only a week. He's gone
through the motions of class and homework, struggling to find the energy to for
little things like eating and showering.
He's been waiting for Friday to come around, so he could spend a night
wallowing in bed and that's what he intends to do. Except Miles is looming over
him, sounding kind of serious.
"I swear to fuck Kevin, if you don't get up right now I will beat the ever
loving crap out of you."
Kevin has never heard Miles like this. The tone of his voice, the clipped
words, propel Kevin to very slowly sit up, put one foot and then the other on
the floor and sigh.
"Thank you," Miles says, a little more gently. "There's a party at one of the
houses up the beach. One of Craig's friends invited us, and you're coming with
us."
Kevin doesn't want to go to any party. He wants to go back to sleep. But Miles
has been unendingly patient and understanding with him and Kevin knows everyone
reaches the end of their rope at some point. He has no desire to test Miles'
bluff.
He takes the things Miles holds out to him. "Only because I really don't want
to see what you look like when you're really angry," Kevin mutters, grabbing
his shower shoes as he heads down the hall.
The shower makes him feel slightly more human and he stands there until his
fingertips are shriveled and the hot water is starting to go.
He dresses in the clothes Miles handed him, jeans and a sweater. He doesn't
look at his reflection, he doesn't care what he looks like.
Miles and his friends Craig and Aaron are waiting for him when he gets back to
the room.
"Good to see you're still breathing, dude," Aaron says, clapping Kevin on the
shoulder.
It takes twenty minutes to get to the stretch of nicer houses up the beach.
Craig parks his car half on someone's lawn a quarter of a mile away, the
closest spot they find.
Kevin can hear the noise from the party already in full swing.
It's a nice house. Kevin doesn't care about anything but finding punch or
something that isn't beer that will do the trick.
He recognizes a bunch of people from school and there's three times as many he
doesn't recognize from other schools. He pushes his way through a crowd in the
kitchen and finds someone mixing drinks. He takes two and downs the first one
as he tries to find a quiet place to hide.
What he finds is David, and that's only by accident. David's coming out of the
bathroom as Kevin's looking for it, figures locking himself in here is as good
a place as any to stay out of the way.
"Kevin," David says quietly, surprised. "I didn't expect to see you here."
Kevin hasn't eaten anything since lunch, his dinner ended up un-touched, and
the alcohol hit his bloodstream quickly. He's lightheaded and halfway to being
more drunk than he's ever been in his life. Which is saying something,
considering the last month of his life.
"Yeah, I'm not supposed to be here," he says, staring blankly down into his
empty cup. "My drink is gone."
"That's probably for the best," David says, reaching out to steady Kevin as he
sways a little.
The sad thing is he feels worse now than he did when he was sober. He thought
this was supposed to make him feel better, that drowning his sorrows in liquor
would lessen the feeling that he was drowning. If anything he feels more morose
now.
"Come on," David says, steering Kevin back down the darkened hallway. "Let's go
get some air."
"I don't want air," Kevin mumbles. What he wants is Zac. He doesn't say that
though.
There's a huge deck with stairs leading to the beach. David guides Kevin
through the press of people to the railing.
"You're pretty miserable, huh," David mutters, his mouth close enough Kevin can
feel his breath on his cheek.
"'M not, I'm fine," Kevin slurs, folding his arms on the railing and resting
his cheek there. That seems to steady the spinning and he lets out a sigh,
shoulders heaving.
David is standing close, back against the railing. He's not saying anything.
"This is all your fault," Kevin says quietly, the words exhaled into his folded
arm. He doesn't know if David can hear him and it doesn't feel better to say
it. It doesn't fix anything. It's not even true, anyway.
"You should just leave me alone," Kevin says standing upright abruptly and
turning to go somewhere, anywhere. He doesn't get far, his legs are wobbly and
his feet won't quite work.
David catches him around the waist, steadying him. "Hey now," he says softly,
"I know you don't mean that."
And the sad thing is, David's right. If things were different, if Kevin didn't
know what he was missing with Zac, he thinks he could like David like that.
David's an okay guy, on his own away from Zac. But Kevin knows what it's like
to be with Zac, to be completely content with someone. Maybe, when the bruises
have healed and he's gotten some space, there will be someone else. But for now
David's just this guy who got in the way of him and Zac.
"I do," Kevin says, hiccuping a little. "You're nice, you have nice eyes and
nice lips, and you probably look good naked, but you're not Zac." He feels his
throat get tight. "I miss Zac."
He sags a little then, like his legs just won't hold him up anymore. He rests
his forehead on David's shoulder. "Why aren't you Zac?"
He can feel David stiffen slightly.
"Dallas."
"Mm, yeah," Kevin breathes, "Zac."
There are hands at his waist hauling him around, away from David. Kevin feels
tired and loopy, his head on a string threatening to float away and he doesn't
know what's going on but Zac is here.
"Later, Kevin," David says a little sadly. Kevin waves vaguely but he's
focusing on Zac. He hasn't seen Zac in days.
"You look really good," Kevin sighs, reaching up to touch Zac's face. Just to
make sure that this is real, that Zac's here and concerned, taking care of him.
"I miss you," Kevin mumbles. He misses everything. The way things used to be.
He misses feeling like everything made sense, that things were just as they
should be.
"What are you doing here?" Kevin asks before he can stop himself. He doesn't
want to know the answer to that, he doesn't want to hear that Zac's moving on
and found someone else to kiss and touch and share his bed with.
"I'm here with Vanessa and Ashley," Zac says, brushing Kevin's hair off his
sweaty forehead. That makes something loosen in Kevin and he lets out a breath
that feels relieved.
"What are you doing here?" Zac asks. He keeps his hand on Kevin, warm at the
back of Kevin's neck. "You hate parties."
Kevin hiccups again. "I don't know," he says mournfully. "I do, Ihate it here.
Miles made me come, and I don't want to bleed."
"I have no idea what that means," Zac says, mouth quirking up slightly.
"It means Miles won't let me sleep," Kevin mumbles. "I just want to sleep."
"Yeah," Zac says quietly. "It's been a shitty week for me, too."
"Kiss me please," Kevin whispers then, tilting his chin up. He's not allowed to
have this anymore, and it's his fault he knows. But he misses the way Zac
kisses him like an ache deep in his gut. He curls his fingers around Zac's
neck. "Please," he breathes, "Zac, please."
"Dallas," Zac says, shaking his head. "We're not going to do this now," he
says, pulling Kevin's hands down and linking their fingers together. "You're
drunk."
"I know," Kevin sighs. "And I don't even drink. Why am I always drunk all the
time? Is this what college is?"
Zac chuckles. "Come on, let's get you some water," he says, taking Kevin's hand
and pulling Kevin back through the crowd of people.
"I don't like parties," Kevin says loudly. He doesn't - parties are too loud
with too many people.
Zac finds a bottle of water in the fridge. "Here," he says, passing it to
Kevin. "Drink this slowly."
Kevin takes the bottle from Zac but he doesn't drink it. He steps in against
Zac, an arm around his waist. "You're taking care of me," Kevin sighs. "You
always take care of me."
He feels Zac tense up slightly. "Yeah, Dallas," Zac says, voice tight.
"Why? You aren't with me anymore, we stopped doing -" Kevin waves his hand
around "whatever we were doing. Why are you taking care of me?"
"Kevin, just drink the damn water," Zac sighs, stepping away.
"No," Kevin says loudly, curling his fingers in Zac's shirt and bringing
forward. "I want to know why."
"Kevin," Zac says, "don't be an idiot." He says it with affection, his voice
soft. "Why do you think?"
"Because you like me," Kevin says, stepping closer and nuzzling his face in
against Zac's throat. "I knew it, you like me."
Zac palms Kevin's hips. "Yes, I like you," he mumbles.
"So then," Kevin pulls back to look at Zac, his eyes wide, feeling like he's
pleading, "why can't we be together."
"Kevin, stop," Zac says. "Now's not the time to talk about this."
"Then when," Kevin demands, letting Zac untangle his fingers from Zac's shirt.
"When you're not wasted and we're not in the middle of a bunch of drunken
idiots." He pauses and blows out a breath. "You know what, come on. Let's get
out of here," he says, taking Kevin's hand and pulling him out of the kitchen.
"Give me your phone," Zac says, reaching in Kevin's pocket for his cell phone.
"I'm going to text Miles and tell him I'm taking you to my place."
Kevin feels triumphant and he grins widely at Zac. "Yes," he whispers, feeling
giddy. He resists bouncing on his toes.
Zac shakes his hide, trying not to smile. "Sleeping, Dallas, we're going to my
place to sleep."
"I know that," Kevin says, focusing on the way Zac's hand feels in his. It's
still him in Zac's bed. That's a start.
 
                                       *
 
Kevin blinks wide awake and stares into the darkness, trying to remember where
he is. He closes his eyes for a second, putting pieces together. Beside him, he
feels Zac shift awake, rolling towards him.
The clock on the bedside table says it's not quite seven, not quite light out.
Kevin stretches and turns to his side, knee knocking against Zac's. He shifts,
repositions his legs so they're fitted like pieces of a puzzle with Zac's.
Kevin has no idea where he and Zac stand but it feels right, being here, waking
up next to Zac. He doesn't want it to disappear again.
"Go back to sleep, Dallas," Zac mumbles, his mouth nudging against Kevin's
cheek.
"I can't," Kevin whispers, "I'm wide awake."
Zac opens one eye and peers at Kevin. "How's your head?"
Kevin sighs and shuffles towards Zac's warmth. "It feels good," he says
quietly. It does, not at all like he drank too much last night.
"Good," Zac mumbles. Kevin can tell he's still mostly asleep. "Your stomach?"
"It's good."
"See," Zac yawns, "that's why you should drink water when you drink."
"Hey, I didn't know that," Kevin insists. "Why didn't I know that?"
Zac closes his eyes, smiling slightly. He drapes an arm across Kevin's hip and
pulls him forward. "Guess that's what I'm here for," he says, already slipping
back into sleep.
"Yeah," Kevin whispers, curling his fingers around Zac's where they're tangled
in the sheets. "I guess so."
 
                                  [ the end ]
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