Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13996563.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Hatoful_Kareshi_|_Hatoful_Boyfriend
  Relationship:
      Fujishiro_Nageki/Uzune_Hitori
  Character:
      Uzune_Hitori, Fujishiro_Nageki
  Additional Tags:
      Pining, One-Sided_Attraction, Step-Sibling_Incest, Masturbation, Canon
      Compliant, Bad_Boys_Love_(Hatoful_Kareshi), Bad_Boys_Love_Spoilers_
      (Hatoful_Kareshi), Canon-Typical_Violence, Alternate_Universe_-_Human
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-03-17 Words: 2043
****** Something I Can Never Have ******
by CruelKittenThesis
Summary
     Hitori struggles with his growing attraction to his brother, on the
     night before Nageki leaves for school. Written for friend and posted
     with permission.
Notes
     I took the fic title from the Nine Inch Nails song of the same name,
     which I listened to while writing this.
See the end of the work for more notes
Hitori was the picture of a reliable young man. He was clean, kind, and
dependable, the wonderful big brother of a touching, made for tv movie,
lovingly raising the innocent orphans. Or, at least, he had been, until that
awful day, where everything was torn apart, in a storm of bullets, leaving a
rain of blood, and a hail of mangled flesh.
Maybe it was then that Nageki had become something different, something more
special. Though, if Hitori was being honest with himself, Nageki has always
been different, always special. It was just, after that moment, after pulling
his younger brother's shaking, sobbing body out of the closet, pulling him
through the wreckage, the tragedy, that his favorite person, the one he could
always trust, that he loved most of all, became his only one. In a flash of
pain and horror, Nageki had been transformed from the most important person in
Hitori's life, to the only person in his life, became his whole world.
From then on, everything started to become muddled. Everything started to
become wrong, like a tree growing with a rotten core. Hitori had always doted
on Nageki, always thought of him as sweet and perfect, a precious jewel, but
now, he noticed how he had matured. His dark eyes would spent longer than
necessary glancing over the sharp curve of his shoulder, or the bit of milky
skin of Nageki's stomach that would be exposed as his shirt creeped up,
whenever he reaches up to grab a glass out of the cabinet.
Was it simply because Nageki was mature now, no longer a child, the bloodbath a
rebirth into adulthood? Regardless, sometimes Nageki would catch him watching
him, his soft eyes like orange lillies, wide in confusion. Neither of them
mentioned it, acknowledged it, but it hung in the air, heavy and sticky-sweet,
like a drop of red dye in white frosting, forever changing and tainting the
color.
Hitori shook his head, as if to ward away the impure desires, as he helped
Nageki pack the last of his things into a suitcase. Soon, Nageki would leave,
go to a school where he would make friends, and get better. Hitori was
delighted, because, despite everything, he loved his younger brother more than
anything in the world. The too-whiteness of Nageki's skin would return to a
healthy, warm peach, like how it was when he was young, then he and Hitori
would live together again, happy, forever.
“Hitori?” Nageki tilted his head, “Would you like some iced tea? I'm pretty
thirsty, so I was going to grab some.”
“Ah!” Hitori jumped up at the notion, “I'll grab it! I should have asked if you
were thirsty, anyway!”
Nageki sighed, “I'm not a child, you know. I can get my own drink.”
Hitori reluctantly let Nageki fetch them both a cup of tea. He felt sad even
watching him leave the bedroom, and briefly wondered if he would even be able
to stand him being gone at school. It wasn't long before Nageki returned,
however, holding matching glasses. Each glass was clear, and adorned with a
pattern of little yellow chicks running around the rim.
“Thank you,” Hitori took his glass, “Are you hungry?”
Nageki shook his head, “I'm still full from lunch. Are you hungry?”
“Not really,” Hitori half-lied. He wasn't very hungry, but he wanted to cook a
special dinner, since Nageki was leaving tomorrow.
“Then let's skip it,” Nageki said as he stood up, “I'll be taking my bath,
now.”
Hitori took a sip of tea, as he watched Nageki leave the room. It was cold, and
somewhat bitter, which normally he enjoyed, but today it felt off. Neither of
the pair had a particular sweet tooth, but today, Hitori wished he had
something sweet and comforting, like a nice mug of hot chocolate topped with
happy marshmallows.
Nageki return, half an hour later, clad in power blue pajamas, his hair emerald
green from being damp. His skin looked soft, rejuvenated by the cleansing bath
water. He yawned, then stumbled forward. With a gasp, he held out a white hand,
and grabbed at the doorway before he could fall to the ground.
“Nageki!” Hitori jumped up, and sprinted to his brother. He grabbed his slender
arm, “Let me help you!”
“I'm alright,” Nageki frowned, “I can walk just fine, I'm just a little tired.”
“If you're sure,” Hitori mumbled, reluctantly letting Nageki go. He watched,
sadly, as he pulled back the covers and climbed into his bed.
“You know,” Nageki's voice was soft and feather light, “I don't have to leave,
if you don't want. I'm not very useful, but, I'm not sure what good going to
school will be.”
Hitori walked over to the bed and sat down. He took his brother's hand, and
laced his small, white fingers, with his own long, darker ones, “You already
know, I can't teach you everything. And this will give you an experience, where
you can make friends, and learn everything about the world that I can't teach
you. Plus, they're working on a cure! You might be able to get totally better!”
As much as it pained Hitori to let him go, he was well aware, people cannot
live in isolation. People, like rabbits, need companionship. Even if they're
well fed, rabbits, without warm touch, or love, will become depressed and die
from loneliness. People are no better, they need love like flowers need the
sun.
Nageki gave Hitori a small, soft, and warm, like handmade blanket, filling his
brother with a loving warmth, “Thank you.”
Hitori began to untangle their hands when, Nageki suddenly squeezed his hand,
“Uh, Hitori, if you want,” he paused, trying to find the words, “If you want,
well, I would really like it is you slept with me, like we used to when we were
younger, since it will be a long time until we can see each other again.”
Nageki rolled over, so that his face was covered by his pillow, leaving an
expressionless mess of green hair for Hitori to gaze at. “ I Would love to,”
Hitori admitted, his own face feeling flushed, “I'll just go change, and come
back.”
Hitori went into the bathroom, and splashed cold water on his face, like a holy
spell, washing away the impure thoughts, like invisible dust. He wanted to cry,
he didn't know what to do without Nageki, and the thought of him gone was
almost unbearable, like a knife in his chest, carving out his heart, filled
with love.
Still, he knew it was for the best, and took a breath. He pulled on his own
dark gray pajamas, and made his way back to the bedroom. Nageki was laying on
his side when he crept up to the bed. His large eyes were shut, but Hitori knew
him well enough to know he wasn't asleep. Still, he carefully he moved, though,
a little awkwardly, behind his brother.
Nageki shifted his body slightly, allowing Hitori to wrap his arms around him.
For a brief moment, Hitori remembered when they were young, how tiny Nageki had
seemed, then, and then of warm of many little arms and legs, of all the tiny
siblings that would clamber together, like eager puppies, seeking love and
comfort. Even though they couldn't all comfortably fit on one bed, it didn't
matter, because they were all together, a wonderful family.
Nageki was bigger now, but, not big enough. He was too thin, and his skin too
white. He was like paper, easily torn or damaged. Still, he was gorgeous, with
his lithe body, striking green hair, and bright, thoughtful eyes, that always
shown with intelligence.
Hitori shut his eyes, and breathed in his scent, which was faint, but sweet,
almost floral. He was more alluring than even the prettiest flower. Hitori's
own body shivered, not from cold, but from the warmth of Nageki's body pressed
against his.
Hitori could feel Nageki drifting into sleep, his normally tensed limbs
becoming relaxed. Even though, he couldn't see his face, he pictured him
smiling peacefully, and it made him smile, himself. He loved Nageki so much,
that even this space between them felt too far, the terrible separation caused
by skin and clothes. How nice it would be, to be able to be one being, never
separated.
His dark eyes opened, with the horrible realization, and guilt. His body began
to sweat, and he swallowed, tasting bitterness. Nageki, now sleeping, mumbled
something unintelligible. He sounded cheerful, more relaxed. Hitori shamefully
hoped it was because of him, because of his presence.
A slender leg moved in its owner's sleep, and it rubbed, hard, against Hitori's
thigh. His breath sucked quickly in, as sharp sparks flew, heated and terrible,
in the lower part of his stomach. He was hard, disturbing and rotten. He had
been pure, good, dependable, before. Why had his feelings changed in this way,
like sweet milk, gone sour?
He hissed, his body aching, begging for damnation, and he stared at the
ceiling. The clock on the wall ticked gently. After what seemed like hours, he
slowly worked his arms and legs out from under his sleeping brother, his own
movements softer than feathers.
Hitori made his way into the bathroom, his dark hair soaked with sweat. He
plopped onto the rim of tub. He did not bother to turn on the light, letting
his pajama pants fall down to his ankles, exposing his shame. He couldn't even
look at his own erection, as he reached down, and stoked himself.
It felt amazing and awful, as pleasures images of Nageki fluttered through his
mind. He wanted to hold him in his arms, to litter his face with kisses. He
never wanted to let him go. He moaned, picturing Nageki, soft and warm,
laughing in his arms.
Guilt seeped into his mind, as precum began to drip through his fingers,
covering everything with a slick layer of liquid. He was unable to picture
anything truly vulgar, because, Nageki was too perfect, too pure. He was like
an ethereal being to be worshiped, not defiled. But, even so, Hitori wanted to
monopolize him, the thought of him laughing in someone else's arms made his
stomach twist and his heart ache.
He came, with a weak gasp, the evidence of his own awful thoughts sticking to
his fingers. With a heavy sigh, he stood up, feeling weak from his orgasm. He
pulled up his pants with his clean hand, and clumsily walked to the sink.
Hitori turned on the faucet, and let the steaming water wash away the sinful
white. He sighed, splashing water on his face, washing away the fantasies, like
he did the semen.
Suddenly, there was a click, a soft knock on the door, and Hitori's entire
stiffened. “Hitori?” Nageki's muffled voiced asked from the other side, “Are
you in there?”
After a pause, Hitori reluctantly answered, staring at the ground, “Yeah, I
just needed to wash my face.” He hoped Nageki couldn't smell the slightly salty
scent in the air.
Nageki opened the door, ignoring how that response didn't make sense, “Are you
ok?” His slightly too large pajamas made him seem even smaller than he was, and
the pale light made him seem even whiter. He looked, in that moment, even
younger and more fragile than he was. Except, of course, his eyes, always
intelligent, burning with more knowledge than most adults, and knowing things
that even adults are better off not knowing.
Hitori gave his brother a soft smile, “I'm fine. I'm just,” He paused for a
moment, “Well, honestly, I'm going to miss you so much. I'm extremely happy,
and excited for you, and I'm still going to miss you like crazy.”
Nageki smiled back, all soft love and warmth, like a cup of honey tea, “I know.
I'm going to miss you, too, even though I'm also excited to go.” He walked
forward, and wrapped his arms his older brother. The hug was innocent, sweet,
and all their worries melted away with its heat, “I love you, Hitori.”
Hitori kissed the top of his head, smiling, “I love you, too.” Everything was
going to be good, soon. They were both going to be fine.
End Notes
     As always, feel free to contact me on Twitter (lilithkitty) or tumblr
     (Sakurazuka-Subaru)
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