Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3885412.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Homestuck
  Relationship:
      Gamzee_Makara/Karkat_Vantas, Black_GamKar
  Character:
      Karkat_Vantas, Gamzee_Makara
  Additional Tags:
      noncon, Pain, Violence, Fear
  Series:
      Part 1 of life_on_the_meteor_is_shitty
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-05-06 Words: 5168
****** Something Else We Could Be At ******
by amporatrash
Summary
     life on the meteor is shitty, pt 1. in which gam is an asshole.
     originally written on xmas day 2014.
     still iffy on how i wrote sollux here but i can deal with it for now.
Time passed, and as it passed, the remaining trolls and the humans on the
meteor saw less and less of Gamzee Makara.  For the most part, they were
thankful for that.  They could get on with their lives as best they were able,
go on with their business without the scarred, looming figure haunting the
corners of their vision.

For Karkat Vantas, Gamzee's absence was more unsettling than anything.  It
meant that he couldn't keep an eye on him, couldn't make sure that he was okay
and not off raging at walls, or whatever the fuck he was doing whenever he
wasn't around.  More unsettling than that thought was the fact that Gamzee had
been so calm whenever he did show up.  At first, Karkat chalked it up to his
success as Gamzee's moirail, but they kept company less and less as time went
on and there was nothing else to which Karkat could attribute Gamzee's strange
even keel.

Something about it just felt sinister, and Karkat's sullenness and irritability
sunk to new levels.  He began having trouble sleeping again, unable to shake
nightmares of waking up to find Gamzee looming over him, a mere heartbeat from
dashing Karkat's think pan to bits with one of his clubs.  He hated everything
about the nightmare but couldn't shake it, and it ate at him the longer time
went on without seeing his palemate.

His worry cycled down into frustration and anger, evaporated into fear, then
condensed again into worry, and it seemed as if he would never know a moment's
peace so long as Gamzee wandered the meteor by himself.

It seemed like nobody else cared, and that was part of what bothered Karkat so
badly.  They all sat around the common room, bullshitting or reading or playing
games as if they didn't have a damn thing to worry about.  Well, maybe they
didn't, but Karkat did.  Must be fucking nice to not have a single fucking
thing to worry about, he thought bitterly, glaring in particular from the
doorway at Kanaya and Rose, who sat cuddled together and sharing a book.

It was like nobody gave a fuck just how hard he had worked to keep everything
together.  He sometimes even got the feeling that some of them resented his
continued attempts at leadership.  They were going to have to land the fucking
meteor at some point, and nobody seemed to care how they'd pull it off.  He'd
even tried announcing meetings to discuss it but no one ever showed.  It was
like they just tucked the whole future into a neat package labeled "IT'LL ALL
BE OKAY" and didn't bother to show him what was inside.

A growl slipped from his throat before he could stop it and he turned from the
common room and stomped off down the hall, jamming his hands into his pockets. 
Too much shit to think about, to plan for, to worry over, and he couldn't so
much as get a single helping hand--

"KK."

Karkat stopped in his tracks and turned around.  "Sollux?"  He peered at his
friend briefly in surprise, and then scowled a little (as was natural).  Sollux
seemed to be getting better and better at being blind.  How did he even know
Karkat was standing there?  After Terezi, Karkat wasn't about to put anything
past any troll's potential sense of smell.  "What do you want?"

"Y0u're being gr0wly again."

Karkat crossed his arms and gave Sollux a look.  "No shit.  I'm the only
asshole in this place who actually seems concerned about anything.  Why the
fuck wouldn't I be growly?"

Sollux took a step closer, keeping his voice low so as not to attract the
attention of the others back in the common room.  "I kn0w y0u're w0rried, ab0ut
a l0t 0f things.  The mete0r landing for 0ne, but we d0 have s0me time, KK.  If
nothing else, try t0 take a breather 0n that, 0k?  F0r y0urself if f0r n0 other
reas0n."

Karkat sighed so heavily that his arms dropped to his sides and his shoulders
slumped.  His eyes winced shut and he rubbed at his brow, his tension only
briefly alleviated as he tried to do what his friend told him.  Blind Sollux
seemed a lot different from the Sollux he remembered the most clearly.  Well, a
lot of things seemed different, but the psionic wasn't spitting random vitriol
and actually seemed concerned.  The tension must have been getting to him.

"Alright, alright.  Okay.  I think I can manage to allow myself a few minutes
without worrying about that, but there's.  There's something else."

"Something y0u d0n't want t0 talk ab0ut, I assume."

Karkat looked up into Sollux's blackened eyes, his scowling fading a little in
favor of a bit of surprise again.  Only a bit, though.  That Sollux just
sometimes knew things wasn't that surprising anymore.

"No, I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, y0u sh0uld.  C0me 0n."  Sollux waved him along as they headed down the
hall a bit further, more safely out of earshot of the others, walking with his
fingers tracing along the wall so that he could tell where he was going. 
"Whatever it is, it's really g0t y0u 0n edge."

"Yeah," Karkat finally admitted, slumping against the wall and pressing a hand
over his eyes.  His tension rushed back full force, and with it a measure of
pain.  "Wait, how can you even fucking tell?  Is Terezi teaching you shit?"

"Maybe.  I mean, y0u kn0w as well as anyb0dy that things like tensi0n and anger
affect scent, but n0w that I can't see, it seems even m0re like a language 0f
its 0wn."

Karkat grumbled, unable to refute what Sollux said.  It was true; subtle shifts
in pheromones and hormone levels were simple enough to detect, and he realized
suddenly that it would be impossible to just shrug this off if and make his
friend ignore it.  As far as he knew, all of his friends figured Karkat's scent
just naturally included a healthy dose of frustration.  Trolls like Terezi and
Sollux were probably the only ones who could tell the difference.

Deciding they'd walked far enough, Sollux turned to face him.  "Well, what is
it?"

Whispering, Karkat admitted the truth.  "...it's Gamzee."

"Right," Sollux said in the same whisper.  He could ruffle Karkat's feathers
with the best of them but there was a time and place for everything, and at the
moment Karkat seemed so ruffled that if a single breeze brushed him the wrong
way, he might go up like a phoenix.  "He's y0ur m0irail, after all."

"Yeah, that's what's bothering me."

"Well, we rarely see him.  Y0u rarely see him."

"Exactly.  You figured it out, genius."

"It wasn't t00 difficult, KK.  It's kind 0f 0bvi0us, in fact.  When he g0es
missing f0r l0ng peri0ds 0f time, y0u get even m0re imp0ssible t0 deal with
than usual."

Karkat scowled at Sollux.  "If I'm so fucking impossible to deal with, why did
you even follow me out here??"

"Relax," the Mage of Doom said gently.  "I didn't mean that like it s0unded. 
It's true, th0ugh.  Y0u need him and he's n0t ar0und."

Another heavy sigh tore out of Karkat, and he rubbed fitfully at both of his
eyes.  "I need him the way he used to be.  I need the Faygo-chugging dumbass I
went full pale for, not this scarred up ganglefreak I'm actually afraid of and
barely recognize.  I don't know what I should do, Captor.  He obviously doesn't
need or want me anymore, and I can't help with what I'm not able to see..."

"Y0u want t0 break up with him?"

Karkat sucked in a breath and turned his gaze skyward.  His tension seemed so
thick that Sollux could practically feel it vibrating off of him, like a note
from a plucked instrument string.  "I don't know.  I should.  But what if he. 
What if--"

"D0n't say it," Sollux said softly, stepping closer to Karkat.  Arms opened
without a word and the tormented troll rushed into them and faceplanted right
against Sollux's bony chest.  Keyboard-adept fingers brushed over messy black
hair, rubbing lightly at the base of the most tension-afflicted skull in the
Furthest Ring.  Surprisingly, the touch relaxed Karkat rather than rankling him
further, and he melted against his friend like he couldn't help it.  

"We have t0 survive, that's all," Sollux continued.  "Just have t0 stay
vigilant, regardless 0f what y0u decide.  Because as it stands, it's like he's
br0ken up with y0u already.  Isn't it."

Karkat tried desperately to bite back a sob and failed.  "Y-yeah, exactly."

"Shhh," Sollux hushed, just letting Karkat have his emotions for once.  "It's
0k.  Y0u d0n't have t0 hide it right n0w."

Karkat Vantas trembled, and then broke.

From somewhere above, a pair of yellow-orange eyes narrowed.

*

Karkat felt somewhat better after admitting his fears, but he couldn't see any
immediate resolution.  Gamzee still hadn't appeared, and Karkat was no closer
to deciding whether or not he could continue to be the highblood's moirail. The
thought tortured him in any direction; no matter where he went with it, it lead
to more heartbreak and worry.  Breaking up with Gamzee potentially put everyone
in danger, as angering him could bring on another psychotic episode.  But if
Gamzee actually gave a fuck, he would have been around and trying to make up
for his behavior, wouldn't he?  So it was like the fucker didn't give a
drosseater's ass about it either way, and that hurt terribly, as well.  Not to
mention the fact that it made things feel as if everyone were already in
danger, because Gamzee was purposefully avoiding someone with a known track
record of being able to keep him calm.

And then came the self-effacing thought that if he did manage to break up with
Gamzee, not a single one of his quadrants would be filled.  They'd all be
empty, and he wouldn't have anyone.  The crushing feeling of that loneliness
hemmed in all around him every time he thought about it, and much to his own
chagrin he wondered if that was how Eridan felt.

Too much fucking hoofbeastshit to worry about before sleep, not that sleep
would come easily anyway.  Karkat stared upward, exceedingly exhausted but
restless in the extreme, and in the end his body gave up and fell asleep
without him.  

His thoughts trailed off right into his dreamstate.  His worries warped into
his nightmares, visions of faces he'd never see again interspersed with the
meteor crashing over and over into the surface of an unseen world, and the
fiery deaths of every last person he knew.  Amid the smoke and shadow, a tall,
lanky psychotic figure walked toward him, eyes unnaturally calm given the
brutal grip he had upon his club.  The easy, lazy smile of Gamzee Makara never
changed as that club lifted and fell, and Karkat felt something wet and warm
trickling against his forehead.  

I die here.  We're all dead.

He sat upright with a gasp, panting into the dark.  He blinked and stared
around the cramped little storage space he'd turned into his respiteblock,
unable to shake the feeling that he wasn't alone.  Worse, Gamzee's scent hung
in the air, unmistakable.  Karkat struggled to shake off the nightmare, unable
to decide whether the scent was a trick of his memory or something real.  He
sucked in a breath and fought for calm, and after a moment he became aware that
the trickling wet feeling he'd felt against his forehead in his dream hadn't
gone away.  Immediately he reached up and touched the spot.

Sure enough, his fingers came into contact with something wet and sticky.

An actual muffled sound of horror left his throat, and he pushed himself up
from the fold-out couch that served as his sleeping platform and stumbled and
down the short hall into the nearest ablution block.  Flicking the light on, he
rushed to the mirror and stared at his reflection, gasping sharply.

All he could do for several moments was stare at it, something so simple and
yet given the context of his nightmare, abjectly horrifying.  A smiley face
with a big round nose had been traced onto his forehead in dark purple, the
color of Gamzee's blood.

No, not just the color.

"Fuck!" Karkat breathed, sucking in rapid breaths and struggling to keep
himself from panicking outright.  "Fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!"  Trembling
fingers grasped for the taps at the sink and cranked them on, streaking the
cold knob with dark purple.  He ran the water as hot as he could tolerate it
and pumped soap into his palm, not even bothering to pull off his shirt before
bowing over the sink to wash his face.

He scrubbed like his life depended on it, scrubbed until the water ran clear,
scrubbed vigorously enough to soak most of his hair and sting his ganderbulbs
with soap.  He rinsed them as well until the bulk of the stinging stopped,
cursing vehemently under his breath.  Even if it hadn't been for the soap,
drops of ruby-tinted tears mingled with traces of purple in the sink as the
meteor's hard, metallic-smelling water swirled down the drain.

He groped blindly for the towel rack and yanked the nearest towel down,
uncaring of who used it last.  For one split second, he thought to check it for
Equius's scent before remembering that he no longer had to, thanks to the very
shitsponge who'd just paid him a visit in his sleep.  He dried his face and
lifted his gaze to peer in the mirror and assess the damage.

The scream that left him was short-lived.  A lazy-eyed face painted in garish
white grinned at him in the reflection, and when the clown moved, he moved
quickly.  Gamzee kicked the bathroom door shut behind them both and clamped his
hand over Karkat's mouth, pinning him back against his far taller, stronger
figure.

"I know you're real motherfuckin' happy to see me, brother...but there's no
need to all up and get so LOUD about it."

Karkat's heart pounded so wildly that it seemed to paralyze him for a moment,
unable to keep from staring at the vision of himself trapped in Gamzee's
grasp.  For one split second, his nightmare came true and he began wondering if
he'd even be fast enough to draw his sickles before he died.  Then that hand
shifted away and that terrible grin became the friendly smile that it used to
be.  Gamzee raised both hands and took a step back, and Karkat whirled on him,
fear turning to white-hot fury.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Just sayin' hello, best friend."

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT BEST FRIEND SHIT!" Karkat growled, unable to resist the
urge to yell against his better judgment.  "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!"

Gamzee chuckled, a low ripple that left his throat and accompanied a lazy toss
of his head.  His hair was even wilder than it used to be, and in spite of his
seemingly friendly demeanor, Karkat could see a hard edge just behind it,
something that had never been there before.  It was in the way he stood, the
angle of his shoulders, the way his eyes seemed keen and clear in spite of
their half-lidded state and the slack nature of his posture.  Karkat couldn't
help staring at the scars.  Everything awful they ever said about highbloods
was true, and he regretted ever getting mixed up with Gamzee Makara to the very
core of his own pain-twisted soul.

"Shit, my brother.  We don't gotta talk about that."

"YEAH WE DO!"

Gamzee stared at Karkat a moment and chuckled again.  "Nah."

Karkat's fury paled.  Something in that stare had him fearing for more than his
life.  "Gamzee--"

The scarred-up clown closed the space between them again, pinning Karkat back
against the sink by planting his hands against its edge to either side of him. 
"C'mon, best friend.  I'd rather talk about a completely different
motherfuckin' topic."

Karkat swallowed thickly around the feeling of his pulse in his throat.  He
stared up at the tall highblood, more acutely aware than ever that Gamzee was
exactly that--the hatched spawn of the subjugglators themselves.  That Gamzee
was aware of it also only made the fact just that much more unsettling.  It
never mattered before.  More than anything, Karkat wanted it to not matter
again.  More than anything.

Finally, he found his voice, though it was far quieter.  "Like what."

Gamzee grinned again, pressing himself deliberately against the shorter troll. 
"Us."

"Us."

Smile faded.  Gamzee bowed his head until the tips of their noses touched. 
"Did I fuckin' stutter?"

Karkat's eyes widened painfully and he shook his head, fighting the sudden urge
to tremble and cry, struggling to choke back the soft fearful chirping at the
back of his throat that threatened to emerge with every breath.

"S' what I thought, motherfucker.  Now, word on the street is, you wanna
fuckin' BREAK.  UP."  He emphasized the last two words strongly, leaning closer
with each one until their foreheads pressed together.  Karkat's breathing
hitched and quickened as Gamzee tipped his head up, tenderly brushing his lips
against the shorter troll's brow.  "That'd just up and break my fuckin' heart,
brother.  You don't really wanna break my fuckin' heart, do ya?"

"No," Karkat whispered.  He couldn't help it.  Tears welled along his lower
lids and spilled down both cheeks without so much as a blink.  Gamzee's
unwashed scent flooded his senses, overwhelming him even further.

"Well," Gamzee grunted, his voice melting into something more akin to a growl. 
"I think you're lyin' to me.  If you're all up and not wantin' to be my
motherfuckin' palemate anymore, I can think of somethin' ELSE we could be at." 
The clown punctuated the word 'else' with a sudden harsh thrust of his hips,
and the swell of his bulge behind his pants was inescapable to the smaller
troll.  The scent of Gamzee's arousal soaked into Karkat's senses like a
bloodstain, and something instinctual in the mutant's think pan began to buzz
with intensifying panic.

"Wh-," Karkat struggled to say, his throat feeling too tight to even allow a
whisper.  The tip of Gamzee's nose brushed against his hairline, flooding his
body with a tingling sensation.  As high as he was strung already, he wasn't at
all surprised to feel the tips of his fingers and toes go numb.  This can't be
happening.  There was just no way.  No way Gamzee would've--

--but this wasn't the Gamzee he knew.  This was a Gamzee he'd never really met
and a cold feeling clutched his hammering pump biscuit when he felt fingers at
his beltline suddenly, flicking his fly open and pulling down his zipper. 
Before Karkat could so much as think of protesting, fingers felt him up through
his boxers, and Gamzee growled when he felt that Karkat wasn't aroused in the
least.

Without asking, the tall highblood shoved Karkat's pants and underwear down
completely, forcing an sudden gasp of shock from the shorter troll's lips. 
"C'mon, brother," the scarred clown snarled, forcing his own pants down just
far enough to free the slithering length of his dark purple bulge.  

Karkat squeezed his thighs together impulsively.  He'd seen it before, so its
size didn't come as a surprise to him, but the idea of what Gamzee was about to
do with it flooded his head with a sort of stinging shock, rendering him
temporarily silent and unable to speak.  Gamzee gripped the hair at the base of
his skull and forced his head back, making Karkat look at him.  "Bloom for me,
motherfucker."

The tip of that massive indigo bulge traced its way up between trembling thighs
and wormed its way between them, aiming to stroke directly against Karkat's
nook.  He yelped sharply and found his voice again, though he couldn't manage
to bring the volume any higher than a rasping, panicked whisper.  "Fuck! 
Gamzee!  What the--ah!--what the FUCK are you doing??"  

Fortunately and unfortunately, troll bodies was generally primed to react to
such fear, and Karkat's was no different.  Instinct screamed in his think pan,
sent a buzzing roar through his veins.  His candy-red bulge began to peek at
the stimulation, creeping forward to curl up against his body defensively. 
Violent mating occurred often within kismesissitudes, and trolls often grew up
knowing such things could happen.  Karkat for one hoped he'd be able to avoid
it, especially after Alternia went belly-up.  He wanted more than anything to
fight, but felt paralyzed by terror and shame.

"Shut the fuck up," the highblood growled, leaning down to claim his former
palemate's mouth.  It was a kiss, but the sort of kiss Karkat could only
imagine happening between one kismesis and another, full of growling, the awful
taste of facepaint, and the highblood's lashing tongue.  Gamzee was in no way
tender about the way he gripped and controlled Karkat's body, lifting him and
seating him on the sink, forcibly gripping his thighs and pulling them apart.

Nono no no, no no, oh god, no...  He couldn't help it.  Gamzee forced him to
open up like that and something in his belly flooded his nook with heat. 
Instantly he could feel himself dripping, could feel his own bulge curling
against his skin under his shirt, fully emerged but still trying to hide.  A
sharp sound of protest vanished into Gamzee's mouth as his thick, cold bulge
dove for that tight ruby nook, and when it squirmed its way in, Karkat's claws
bit sharply though his shirt and his teeth bit likewise at Gamzee's lip.

Now it was the clown's turn to cry out, grunting harshly as fresh dark purple
blood dripped down his chin.  "You scum-blooded FUCK!" he growled, hooking his
elbows under Karkat's knees and lifting him right off the sink, gripping his
ass with both hands.  The shorter troll had no choice but to link his hands
around Gamzee's neck to keep from falling, and the movement of being lifted
forced Gamzee deeply into his body, far deeper than he was ready to feel. 
"Gonna rip you up, motherfucker!  You're gonna all up and PAY for that shit!"

Gamzee's bulge squirmed deep, forcing a veritable scream from Karkat's throat. 
He'd never had so much in his nook at any point, had never even imagined
stretching himself so far.  It hurt, terribly, bitterly, but in a way that only
stirred the heat in his belly and he couldn't comprehend the feeling for a few
moments.  How could something that hurt so bad feel so good?  Was this what
true black pailing was supposed to feel like?  It wasn't that he'd never heard
of such things; he just never imagined he'd be the one to take so much.  He
glared up at his former moirail, unable to resist clenching his teeth and
hissing each breath through them, enraged beyond belief as the last of his pale
feelings for the tall monster faded entirely.

Sharp cries of pain met Gamzee's thrusts, but the taller troll didn't stop.  He
fucked his former moirail, bouncing him off of his hips and forcing his bulge
in deeper and deeper until every last bit of it vanished inside of Karkat with
each blow.  Karkat cried himself hoarse, clinging to Gamzee because he had no
other choice, hating every moment of the pain and bitterly hating the troll
he'd once been so pale for, and yet...

The longer it went on, the more that stinging ache melted into a tingling
warmth that flooded him all over, staining his cheeks and his throat, the palms
of his hands and the bottoms of his feet.  Languid moans and trilling whimpers
began slipping out of him instead of his screams, and his own lids slid half-
shut amid his weeping.

"That's it, motherfucker...  Gonna all up and steal that growl a' yours,
yeah...  Cry like a bitch for me, brother...  Come on, cry...  Whine, moan like
a bulgeslut, that's it...  That's it..."

"I," Karkat sobbed, barely able to catch his breath.  "I hate you ... so
fucking much ... More than I've.  Ever hated...anything in my fucking LIFE."

Gamzee grinned victoriously before letting his eyes roll back, his lids
fluttering.  "Then I win, motherfucker."  He bounced Karkat a few times more
before hilting within that stretched, quivering nook.  He squirmed within it,
making Karkat cry out sharply again as he came, filling him to the brim and
past it with a heavy load of indigo geneslime.  He gripped at Karkat's twisting
bulge before he'd even shot his last, cruelly stroking it.  One, two, three
pumps of his fist and Karkat's aching nook spasmed around the cold highblood
flesh that invaded it, his bulge straining like a captured serpent as it gushed
a veritable stream of ruby genetic material.

For several moments, Karkat completely lost his mind.  The sensations tearing
and raking their way through his flesh and bone were nothing like when he'd do
it to himself; his body screamed at how full it was, and with Gamzee plugging
him up there was no way he could get any relief.  His vision blacked out, his
limbs went numb, and every feeling he'd ever had temporarily dissolved into
oblivion.  He couldn't even summon up the indignation that being turned into
someone's living pail required.

In the silence, he managed to speak.  "Not...like that," he gasped, his voice
barely audible, broken from crying out so loudly.

Gamzee's victorious smile faded.  "What?"

"I said," Karkat panted, still quivering around Gamzee's slowly slacking bulge,
"not...like that.  I just.  Hate you."

Something in Karkat had definitely been punctured.  Tension, stress, fear,
anger, all were gone.  He felt hollow inside, empty of all anger, but he wasn't
willing to give Gamzee credit for it.  All he knew in that moment was that he
wasn't afraid anymore, and if Gamzee decided to kill him, well then.  What was
he going to do about it?

Gamzee's expression twisted into a scowl, though it was clear he didn't quite
understand what he was hearing.  Karkat was more than willing to explain it to
him, his speech stilted between heaving breaths.

"You go away for weeks and then.  You think you can just come back.  And do
this to me.  Well."  Karkat couldn't even bring himself to raise his eyes and
look Gamzee in the face in spite of the fact that he felt no shame whatsoever. 
"Fuck.  You."  He was just so tired suddenly, exhausted in every way.

Gamzee dropped Karkat to the sink, withdrawing.  Karkat's toes curled and he
gasped sharply as a flood of geneslime gushed out of his body and spattered
them both.  He breathed heavily, pressing a hand to his abdomen as his gaping
nook fluttered painfully.  He slipped off of the edge of the sink but his legs
refused to work; he fell to the floor, dropping right into the pool of bright
red and dark purple.

Karkat hissed in agony and bowed forward, pressing a hand to the floor for
support as he bent over, trying to ease some of the pain currently throbbing
through every single inch of his mating parts.  

Gamzee's brow furrowed, and his scowl faded completely in favor of an
expression few had ever seen him wear.  Worry.  He backed away from Karkat. 
"But..."  This clearly hadn't gone like he'd expected it to.

"I swear to fuck, it's like you don't even know me," Karkat growled bitterly. 
"Go away for a few more weeks like you were going to, anyway.  I don't ever
want to fucking see you again."

Unnerved, Gamzee groped for the handle to the door and nearly broke it in his
rush to leave the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind himself as he went.

Karkat sighed heavily and let his head drop back against the drawers beneath
the sink.  He couldn't think yet and he didn't want to, not just then.  He
focused on the sensations in his body as they cooled, the pain and the pleasure
both, and did everything within his power to avoid thinking about what he'd
just been through.

His think pan was a mutinous bastard and forced him to anyway.

He couldn't deny that his ex-moirail had just made him spill harder than he
ever had in his life, but he wasn't willing to let that fact overrule the
truth.  No no, Gamzee had just tried to pull him into a black relationship and
failed.  In spite of the attempt, Karkat just didn't feel that way for Gamzee,
and he couldn't fathom his feelings turning in that direction, either.

I just want my moirail back.

He groaned quietly as he slowly forced himself to move, and he went through the
process of cleaning up sluggishly, tears spilling from his eyes off and on for
no discernable reason.  Floor, sink, walls, everything needed a quick once-over
and then every scrap of cloth used in the process went down the automated
laundry chute.  The process of cleaning himself up went quickly; he stepped
into the shower and rinsed himself down before drying off and dressing again,
pulling clean (less dirty) clothes on from his sylladex.  He slept in his
clothes, a habit which the others on the meteor generally found silly.

He didn't give a fuck.  If he wanted to sleep in his clothes, he'd sleep in his
fucking clothes.

Finally, he opened the bathroom door to step out and a spike of residual pain
struck him in the abdomen and he doubled over, leaning in the doorway.  

Unfortunately for him, someone else was heading for the load gaper.

"Whoa, Karkat."  Dave Strider took a step closer to the troll but didn't reach
out for him.

Karkat blinked up and saw him, only to look away again.  "Oh, fuck, Strider. 
It's you."  He forced himself to stand up, sucking in a breath to hold the ache
at bay.

"The one and only.  Are you okay, dude?"  Oddly enough, the human sounded
genuine in his concern.  

Immediately, Karkat's think pan flooded with worry.  Oh shit, what if he
fucking heard?  I wasn't exactly quiet.  "I'm fine, I'm just fucking fine. 
Just.  Something I ate."

Dave took a step closer.  "You sure, man?"

Karkat glared at him.  "DON'T TOUCH ME."

Dave raised both hands and took a step back again.  "Wasn't gonna.  Just.  Was
gonna use the bathroom.  That's it."

"Fine, use it."  Karkat slid out of the doorway and limped back to his own
space.  He wasn't sure at the time, but now, he was absolutely certain he'd
seen the bathroom door open only to shut again very quickly while Gamzee had
his way.

Sure, the human wore sunglasses that hid his eyes.  That didn't stop Karkat
from feeling like those eyes had seen far more than they would ever openly
admit.

His head hit the pillow, and that was that.  At the very least, he slept like a
rock for the first time in months.
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