Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/2625203.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Takumi-kun_Series
  Relationship:
      Hayama_Takumi/Saki_Giichi
  Character:
      Hayama_Takumi, Saki_Giichi
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-11-16 Words: 8099
****** So Much Better ******
by Raian
Summary
     A reimagining of the moment when Gii cures Takumi's phobia... Minus
     the whole borderline rape thing. The boys are underage and this is a
     full love scene... Mature audiences only, please.
I should start this introduction by explaining that I am a writer of lesbian
romance novels. I never saw much appeal in yaoi -- what would I want with two
guys, when I'm not much excited about the idea of even one? Until the day that
I ran across a Takumi-kun Youtube video and fell in love with these characters.
So this little bit of fanfic is a major departure from my usual girl-on-girl
romance. But then, maybe not so much, really. The relationship between Takumi
and Gii is just about as emotion-packed and romantic as any of my favorite
lesbian pairings. And other than the actual mechanics of the sex, this scene
came out much like any I've written in my books.
This is pretty much a full on, rated major M, love scene... The first of its
kind that I've ever posted online.  If you don't want to read about sex between
a couple of boys in love with each other, skip on to something else. For those
of you who like that sort of thing, a little context: many fans of the series
find the rape-as-a-cure-for-phobia part of the story to be very uncomfortable
and problematic. Basically, Gii decides to steal a kiss while Takumi's
sleeping... then gets carried away and ends up forcing himself on Takumi, in
spite of Takumi's very real phobia of being touched, in the belief that maybe
he can cure him of the fear by making him face it.
Um. Yeah. Not really romantic, even though it (of course) eventually works
itself out. So this here is a little rewrite of that exchange, with a somewhat
more mature, more thoughtful approach on Gii's part... Overall it's just a
scenario that I find far more satisfying and sexy, and I thought other fans
might enjoy reimagining it too.
===============================================================================
 
God, his mouth was so soft. It was driving Gii crazy how amazing this felt,
Takumi's lips against his, the fragility of his lanky body beneath him. He was
kissing Takumi the way he'd always fantasized about, drawing his lower lip
between his teeth, brushing his tongue over its satin surface, which was the
most delicate and incredible sensation he could imagine.
He heard Takumi's intake of breath, felt his mouth moving against his. He was
awake. He was awake, and Gii was still kissing him, and this time he couldn't
stop. He needed this. Takumi needed this, whether he realized it or not... if
they were ever going to be together, if he was ever going to be able to touch
him, this had to happen. It didn't have to be much. Just kissing. It didn't
have to go any farther, but they both needed this.
Takumi was breathing harder now, into his mouth, his breath tickling Gii's lips
and making his blood burn even hotter. It was a triumph, really. He was still
kissing him, and hadn't been pushed away. Hadn't been rejected. But Takumi's
breathing kept speeding up, and Gii began to recognize that this could turn
into a panic attack. That would only make things worse. He drew back a little,
released the silken lips so he could meet Takumi's eyes, and gave him a look
that he hoped would be interpreted as reassurance.
"Shh. It's okay."
Takumi's eyes were enormous and black, and he was watching Gii with something
akin to fear. Except it wasn't quite fear. "Gii..."
"I love you."
"Gii, I can't. Please."
The word undid him, sent him crashing. He wanted Takumi more than he had ever
wanted anything in his life. But he couldn't force this on him. That would make
him no better than Nakano, or Takabayashi, or any of the other boys that Gii
had sworn to protect him from. To his horror, he felt his eyes beginning to
smart. Right now, he was probably the person Takumi needed to be protected from
most. What the hell was he doing? "Takumi..."
He sat up, putting space between them, and turned to rest his elbows on his
knees. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"Gii..."
"I'd never hurt you, you know that, right?"
"I know."
"But this is so hard. It's so hard, Takumi. Sometimes it feels like I'm going
to die of wanting you so much." He turned when he heard a sniffle. A tear was
running down that angelic face, and Gii felt his heart turn over. "Oh, no,
don't cry. Please. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm the one who's being
selfish."
"But you're not. You're not selfish, Gii, I am." His voice broke, and more
tears fell, and he looked away like he couldn't bear to meet Gii's eyes
anymore.
"Takumi, no."
"It's true. I'm doing this to you because I'm selfish. I'm scared. I'm the one
who's been letting you believe I'm something that I'm not. Keeping the truth
from you because you're the only good thing in my life, and when I think what
it's going to be like without you I just don't know how I will be able to go
back there again."
It was, perhaps, the most Gii had ever heard him say at once. He stared at him
in confusion. "You're not making sense."
"I'm not what you think I am, Gii. And if we get any closer, if we... If I let
you..." He shuddered, still unable to look up. His voice was so small, so
humiliated that it made Gii's heart ache. "If you sleep with me, you'll know,
and you're not going to want me anymore, and I don't know how I'm going to live
with that."
Gii reached out to touch his face, but thought better of it when Takumi shrank
away from him. Instead he ducked his head until he could look him in the eye.
"Takumi, there is nothing... absolutely NOTHING that would change the way I
feel about you. Do you hear me?"
"I wish that was true."
"I'll prove it to you. Just tell me. Please. Whatever this thing is that keeps
coming between us, just tell me."
Takumi's face was so sad, so hopeless, and he started to hyperventilate again.
"No, no, don't do that. Come here." Gii steeled his nerve, reached out and
pulled Takumi into him. He wrapped his arms around his back, wound a hand into
his hair, braced himself as Takumi made a startled mew of protest and
struggled.Forgive me, Takumi, please... I don't know what else to do...
"It's okay," he said, in a voice that sounded a lot more confident than he
felt. "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. Just breathe. Breathe with me." He
inhaled, slow and deep, letting his chest push firmly against Takumi's body.
Takumi shivered, made a little choking sound. Then Gii felt his chest fill too.
"That's it. And out, slowly." He made a whooshing noise as he released the
breath, feeling Takumi's narrow ribs contracting against him at the same time.
Relief swept over him. What a stupid thing to have done; Takumi had meltdowns
when people touched him. Yet by some miracle it seemed to be working, at least
for the moment, and for that he was grateful.
They sat like that for a while, Takumi's ragged breathing becoming less
labored. As the minutes ticked by, though, with Takumi in his arms, a wicked
part of Gii was glorying in this--the silk of Takumi's hair against his cheek,
the scent of shampoo and rain tickling his nose. Takumi always smelled as if
he'd just come in from a rainstorm. God, he even smells like innocence
incarnate.
Gradually, Takumi seemed to relax into him. And though he didn't want to spoil
the moment, he couldn't let this go now. Whatever burden Takumi was carrying,
it was going to keep them apart until he put it down. "Tell me," Gii whispered
into the sheet of silken hair pressed against his lips. "Please."
The small body shuddered against him, but he didn't pull away. "I'm dirty." His
voice was barely audible, and Takumi kept his face pressed into Gii's shoulder.
"I know you think I'm this pure, unspoiled thing that should be protected, but
it's a lie. I'm so dirty, Gii, so disgusting."
Gii just tightened his arms around him. "Tell me."
And haltingly, Takumi told him. Told him about the eccentric older brother,
apple of their parents' eye, who was the only reason Takumi ever received any
attention at all from their otherwise ambivalent mother and father. Told him
how, when he had entered second grade, his brother had begun to touch him, all
over his body. And he hadn't stopped him, because this was his hero. This was
the only person who even seemed to notice Takumi's existence. He went along
with whatever his brother wanted, no matter how uncomfortable or painful, until
the day that their mom came home early from a shopping trip and discovered
them. And then his brother had claimed that it had all been Takumi's idea. That
Takumi had seduced him. His parents accepted this without question, and Takumi
became a pariah in the house... a perverted, evil blemish that had harmed their
precious son. By the time that they learned the truth, Takumi had already shut
his heart off. It was the only way he could survive, by giving up caring
whether he was ever loved by anyone.
As he talked, Gii felt his insides shredding with grief. Takumi had survived a
kind of agony, betrayal and loneliness that he could barely begin to imagine.
What kind of monster could violate their own brother like that? How could any
parent play favorites among their children, turn their back on their own son?
No wonder Takumi had always been so withdrawn. No wonder he acted so cold and
numb. And no wonder that he didn't want anyone touching him. Touch meant
connection, and Takumi had spent years denying himself connection with anyone.
Gii buried his face in Takumi's hair, letting his tears soak into it. "Oh god,
Takumi, I had no idea. I am so sorry."
"But you understand now. I'm not innocent, or virginal, or any of the nice,
pretty things you think of me. I'm a person who's had sex with his own
brother." A year ago there would have been no emotion in his tone. But now his
voice shook over the last few words, as if he couldn't quite summon his usual
defenses.
"No." Gii pulled back and took Takumi's face in his hands. "You were an
innocent boy whose brother raped him. It's not the same. What happened to you
wasn't your fault."
"I didn't try to stop him. I never once told him no. And..." Here, shame and
self-loathing spread across his features. "It wasn't like I hated it, exactly.
My brother made me feel special. Made me feel loved. A part of me liked it. I
liked it, Gii, even though I knew it was wrong. In the end he and I shared the
same blood, the same genes, and in our own way we're both just as twisted."
He really thought he was as much a monster as his brother? Gii felt sick to his
stomach. He searched Takumi’s face, willing him to feel the truth of his words.
"You aren't twisted. You're human. Your brother was using you, taking advantage
of how lonely you were. He's the only person who ever made you feel loved, so
of course you liked it. And Takumi," he bit his lip, wishing there was a way he
could get him to understand, "I wish... God, I would give anything if I could
make you feel that way. If I could just somehow get you to understand how much
you mean to me, I..."
He was shaking, and dropped his hands.
"Gii..." Takumi had that confounded look again, the one he'd worn when Gii
first confessed his feelings months ago in the old music hall. "You can't still
mean that."
"Of course I do!" He didn't mean to snap, but he was desperate. "Takumi, what
do I have to do to get you to believe me? I love you. Nothing else matters to
me. You are perfect, do you understand? Exactly the way you are, and even more
so because of everything you just told me. You are perfect, and beautiful, and
so much stronger and braver than I ever even knew. If anything I want you more
right now, love you more right now, than I did a few minutes ago, and I never
would have thought that was possible."
Takumi shook his head, his eyes gleaming under a wash of tears. "You deserve so
much better than me."
"There is no one better. Your goodness, your sincerity, the music that pours
out of you when you have that violin in your hands... Everyone who looks at you
sees it, everyone wishes they could have just the tiniest part of something
that pure and real for themselves. Me, too. I'm no better. I've wanted it,
wanted you, for so long. Ever since the first time I heard you play. We were
just kids then, and still I wanted you. I looked for you, for years. Now I’ve
finally found you again, but for all my money and prestige and family name I'll
still never be worthy of you and I know it."
"Gii..."
He stood up, trembling. What a coward he was. What a hypocritical jerk. He'd
pulled countless guys off of Takumi, raced Nozaki for him like he was some kind
of prize, would have beaten Takabayashi within an inch of his life for hurting
him. But all along it had really been for himself. He'd cornered Takumi, stolen
kisses, forced touches on him even knowing about his phobia. He'd talked him
into letting him sit too close, manipulated him into physical contact far
outside his comfort zone. He found ways to brush his hand or his shoulder and
pretend it was accidental. He'd bribed school officials in order to get Takumi
assigned as his roommate. He'd pressured him, night after night, into feeling
guilty for not allowing more. And today... today he'd kissed him while he was
sleeping, knowing Takumi wouldn't want it. He was no better than any of the
other guys. Takumi’s artless purity was like a drug none of them could resist,
and he was the worst of them all. At least the others had the good grace not to
pretend they weren't being assholes.
He moved to the door. When he thought about everything Takumi had already been
through, he felt like finding the nearest tree and bashing his knuckles into it
until they bled, though he wasn't sure who he wanted to punish more, Takumi's
brother or himself. Takumi didn't want him. Had never wanted him. He'd pushed
and pushed, and all he'd ended up doing was making Takumi feel guilty and even
more ashamed of something that had never been his fault to begin with.
He reached for the doorknob, then froze. Takumi's arms were around him, the
delicate warmth of his body pressed to Gii's back, and for all his small frame
he was squeezing Gii so tightly his arms shook. "Don't go."
"Takumi?"
"Please don't leave. You can't just say something like that to me and then
leave."
Spots on the back of his shirt felt cold, like it had gotten wet. Was Takumi
crying again? Gii turned around, and to his surprise Takumi didn't loosen his
grip--he just knotted his fists in the back of Gii's shirt and pressed his face
into Gii’s chest. "Please, Gii."
"Hey. Hey, don't cry. I'm not leaving, not if you don't want me to."
Takumi was holding him. Actually holding him, and not just that--he was
clinging to Gii like his own legs wouldn't hold him up. If it had been under
any other circumstances Gii would have been in heaven. But as it was, he put
his arms around Takumi carefully, just enough to steady him. "Are you okay?"
Takumi pulled back, his face tear-streaked, but what Gii saw in his eyes made
his heart stutter in his chest. "Will you kiss me again?"
"What?" Had he heard that right?
"Only if you want to, I mean. It's okay if you don't--"
Gii captured the other boy's mouth, stopping the words on his lips. Of course
he wanted to. And he was tired of trying to convince Takumi with talking.
Maybe, if he wouldn't believe what Gii said, he would believe this. He thrust
his lower lip between Takumi's and nearly lost his balance when Takumi took it
into his mouth with just the slightest hint of wetness and a faint touch of
teeth. He was kissing him back. Really kissing him back. That had never
happened before.
Gii made a sound he hadn't known he was capable of, something like a groan and
a gasp and a whine all mashed together, and pulled Takumi into him, moving his
mouth on him until just the dance of lips wasn't enough and he had to use his
tongue as well. Takumi opened to him willingly, let him inside to slide their
tongues together in a velvety duel, and oh god he tasted so good, sweeter than
he'd known anyone could taste.
He inhaled, sharp and quick, and seized the back of Takumi's neck. He pressed
kisses to his jaw, up to his ear, and tilted Takumi's head so he could trail
his mouth along the baby-soft line of his neck. Takumi's pulse fluttered under
his lips, the skin warm and salted, and Gii grazed it with his teeth, lapped
with his tongue, caressed with his mouth until he reached the collar of the
orange-pink T-shirt that denied him access to anything further. No matter. He
traveled back up the way he'd come, and when he reached the earlobe again he
switched sides. Takumi was panting now too, not in terror, but with soft moans
that were making Gii lose his mind. He was making him sound like that. Those
sweet little noises of wonder, of pleasure, those were for him. In spite of
everything he'd been through, in spite of the crippling phobia that had, in its
way, kept him safe for so long, Takumi was letting him touch him like this.
That trust was unbelievable. No matter what Takumi might think of himself, Gii
was left awestruck for the millionth time by his innocence.
"God, Takumi, you make me want you so much. We have to stop or I don't think I
can--"
It was Takumi's turn to shut him up, pressing their lips together, kissing him
in a way that was earnest and clumsy, and just a little desperate. He could
almost hear the begging. Please I need this you said you still loved me are you
sure you can't be sure but please oh please just don’t leave...
His body responded automatically, and he lifted Takumi's feet from the
floor.I've got you. I'll always have you. To his utter shock, Takumi's legs
came up and wrapped around his waist. He was so small, so lightweight that it
didn't even skew his balance. He moved one hand down until it was supporting
Takumi's butt, and the shift in position meant that the smaller boy's weight
was now pressing into him in a most inconvenient and wonderful way.
Takumi pulled back, eyes wide, and Gii didn't know whether to blush or bluster.
From this angle there was no way that he couldn't feel it. He finally just
smiled, maybe a little shyly. "Do you believe me now? My body can't lie to
you."
"Gii..."
He kissed Takumi again, walking with him back to the bed, and when he sat he
kept Takumi straddled across his lap. He put his hands on Takumi's hips,
pressing his straining erection upward into him, daring him to deny it. But
Takumi didn't seem inclined to deny it at all. He was devouring Gii's mouth
with as much ferocity as Gii felt, as if all of the longing and loneliness and
hopelessness of the past few years was being unleashed for the first time. That
fire in him, the faint, angry shimmer Gii had often glimpsed underneath layers
of ice and indifference, the one that scorched through every note he pulled out
of that damn violin, that fire was an inferno swallowing them both. And Gii let
it take him. He would let Takumi lead him into hell itself if that was what he
needed.
Anything. I'd give you anything.
He slid his hands up, catching the hem of Takumi's t-shirt and slipping under
it until his fingers made contact with skin. Takumi's abdomen was so thin that
he could feel the ribs beneath. His skin was warm, and so smooth. Gii’s hands
were big enough to wrap almost from the boy’s stomach around to his back, and
he used that to explore every inch of him beneath the snug cotton of his shirt:
the dainty ridges of his ribcage, the angles and planes of his shoulder blades,
the delicate curve of his spine, the hard projections of his hip bones. God he
feels so perfect, he’s so beautiful, I can’t believe he’s letting me do
this…Carefully, he moved back to Takumi’s waist and let one hand rest against
his lower back, while the other wandered up to his chest.
He didn’t want to go too fast or scare him off, but the need to touch him was
intensifying with every movement of Takumi’s lips against his. Gently he
brushed the flat of his palm across Takumi’s chest, feeling the small nipple
slide against his skin, and then he dared to let his thumb linger behind,
rubbing across the bit of sensitive flesh. It hardened under his touch, and
Takumi gasped hard into his mouth.
“Is this okay?” Gii asked quickly, stilling his hand.
In response, Takumi snatched at the hem of the shirt and tore it over his head.
It was Gii’s turn to gasp, with Takumi’s torso suddenly bare to him, and Takumi
staring at him with desire and desperation, as if he half-expected Gii to
change his mind after all. The anxiety in his eyes made up Gii’s mind for him.
He pulled Takumi’s head down, bringing their lips together. He plunged into the
boy’s mouth, deeply and sweetly, and put all the unrequited longing of the past
few years into the kiss, using his lips and tongue and teeth to communicate the
things that all his declarations of love just couldn’t adequately express. You
are everything, you are amazing, I don’t deserve you but god I want you so
much. He let his other hand roam, first over that perfect, smooth expanse of
his back, and then back down to his waist. He kissed him along his jaw again,
back down the fine column of his throat, but with the shirt gone now he let his
mouth wander further, sweeping his lips along the slight furrow of his
collarbone, his skin like silk against his tongue.
He reached the nipple, and touched it first with the tip of his tongue, rubbing
it as he had with his thumb. He heard Takumi give a little, hoarse cry, but
there was nothing but pleasure in the sound. He covered the puckered flesh with
his mouth and sucked, worrying it with the flat of his tongue at every draw.
Under his hands he felt Takumi’s body trembling, and his own body surged at the
sensation. He let his other hand come up to tease lightly at the second nipple,
and after a moment he released the first and traced a line with lips and tongue
to the other one.
“Ungh. Gii…” Takumi was panting, making those soft moans again that sent the
blood pounding into Gii’s already aching erection.
Closer. He had to be closer. Gii lifted his own shirt with one hand, carrying
it and the t-shirt beneath up and over his head, shrugging it from his
shoulders and tossing it to the floor in front of them. He rolled, taking
Takumi with him, until he was lying between Takumi’s legs on the bed, Takumi
sunk into the pillows beneath him, the warm satin of his naked stomach and
chest touching Gii’s skin. That sensation alone was enough to make Gii feel
light-headed. And then, from this new position, he felt something else,
something that sent his senses reeling like a pinwheel of firecrackers. Cradled
between Takumi’s thighs, his highly aroused body was pressed tightly against an
unmistakable mound beneath the boy’s jeans.
He shifted his hips experimentally, thrusting against him, just to see if it
was what he thought. Takumi exhaled, with a little vocalization at the end of
the breath, like a whimper. Oh god. If he’d had any hope of stopping this
before, he couldn’t now.
“Takumi,” he groaned helplessly, thrusting against him again, and Takumi’s legs
came up to grip his hips, drawing him closer. He was staring into Gii’s eyes,
and there was such need in him, such desperate hope, that it kept Gii’s breath
trapped in his lungs. He brought one hand up to trace the line of that perfect
face, the high cheekbones and narrow jaw, the lips swollen and flushed with the
violence of their kisses.
He dropped his head, running his mouth over him again, across his chest,
teasing at the nipple for only a moment before traveling lower, across the
smooth plane of the boy’s stomach, down to the waistband of his jeans. He let
his hand drift from Takumi’s face to his nipple, plucking softly at it with his
fingertips, listening to the little sounds that evoked. He worked his way back
up as his hand kept moving lower, and when he claimed Takumi’s mouth again he
had taken hold of him through the jeans, squeezing lightly, rolling his palm
and fingers around the stiffened flesh beneath.
He swallowed Takumi’s astonished cry, tugged his tongue into his mouth and
sucked, and kept his hand moving relentlessly at the crotch of his jeans,
careful not to be too rough. He could barely breathe himself, the air leaving
him in great sharp heaves. He fumbled at the button of the jeans, then reined
himself in long enough to lift his head, gasping. “I want to touch you. Is it
okay?”
Takumi nodded, a fine sheen of perspiration coating his forehead, his eyes huge
and trusting and urging him on. Gii held his gaze, watching for any sign of
fear or panic, and manipulated the button free with his fingers. He found the
zipper pull and dragged it down, slowly, the sound of metallic teeth releasing
one by one. But that was as far as he could get without engaging both hands,
because the jeans were tight. He backed away enough that he could take hold of
them, and Takumi lifted his hips to allow them to be tugged down to his knees.
He kicked a little, getting one leg free, and Gii pulled them off completely.
He took a moment to look down at Takumi’s erection pushing against the plain
white cotton of his underwear, and thought his heart might explode. He reached
for it, ran his index finger along the covered length, rubbed up and down until
Takumi was moaning and he could feel his pulse beating against his fingertip.
He turned his head, pressing kisses to the inside of Takumi’s knee, to his
inner thigh. He spread his tongue against the warm skin there, sucked at it a
little, and heard Takumi say his name—breathlessly, half-choked with pleasure.
He took hold of him more firmly then, stroked him a few times through the
fabric, and then he couldn’t wait anymore. He slid his hand underneath the
underwear and kissed his way up to the juncture between thigh and hip, the
delicate hollow there, where longer and coarser hair brushed his lips. In his
hand, Takumi was hard and hot, perhaps a bit bigger than he'd expected. He
stroked him again, from the base of the shaft to the head, and ran a thumb over
the slit at its peak. There was moisture there already, just a little, and he
spread it over the head in a circular motion.
He trailed his mouth upward, toward Takumi’s navel, keeping his hand moving in
steady rhythm. Then he raised his head and caught Takumi’s eye, begging for
permission to do something he had been dreaming of since the moment he’d first
seen him again, coming up the steps of Shidou that first day of class last
year.
Takumi’s head fell back. “Gii, please…”
Not just permission, then, but a plea. Gii brought his mouth to the boy’s
penis, held it up and kissed first at the base, just above the softness of the
testicles. He pressed lightly with lips and tongue all the way up to the head,
licked across the slit, still seeping, a taste he was determined to get more
of. Then he brought his mouth down, took him inside.
It was everything he’d ever imagined and more. Takumi was slick and warm,
filling his mouth, pushing into the back of his throat, and Gii had never
wanted to consume anyone or anything the way he wanted this. He kept his tongue
cupped around him, moved his head up and down, drawing Takumi through his lips,
and ringed his fingers around the base of the shaft to stroke in time with his
mouth. This was happening. It was really happening, Takumi was really allowing
it, and Gii didn’t know how he had managed to get them here but this had to be
the most perfect moment of his life. He would make sure that it was for Takumi,
too.
Takumi’s hips were thrusting upward, though he probably didn’t even know he was
doing it, and he had graduated from those sweet little moans to soft, throaty
cries. Gii felt him swelling against his tongue, knew that he was close, and
his heart pounded with anticipation until he was dizzy.
“Gii… Gii, I’m… I can’t…”
He knew Takumi was trying to hold back, but this was what he wanted. He
wouldn’t stop until Takumi let go, and it had to be inside him. He kept
sucking, a merciless, steady rhythm of lips and tongue and fingers and sweetly
tortured flesh, until finally Takumi gasped hoarsely and stiffened, and a spray
of hot liquid struck the back of his throat. Gii swallowed, letting the
movement compress Takumi in his mouth, mindful not to let his teeth clamp in
the process. He let his tongue take over then, licking all over the slippery
shaft and head, cleaning every last bit of semen from it and letting the
slightly salty taste coat his tongue. Takumi was going soft now, and panting
harshly, so Gii didn’t spend much more time there. He transferred Takumi’s
penis into his hand, kissed his way slowly up Takumi’s stomach and chest, drew
himself along Takumi’s body until they were eye to eye again.
Takumi was breathing hard, and he couldn’t quite look Gii in the face. “I’m
sorry,” he said faintly. “I didn’t mean to. I tried…”
“You were perfect.” Gii squeezed him gently, the flesh a little sticky and wet
in his palm. “So perfect. You have no idea how long I’ve wished I could do
that.”
The boy blushed, and if it was possible, the small shift in color elevated his
beauty to even greater heights. “Gii…” He rolled a little, toward one hip, and
Gii exhaled sharply as the movement pressed his own still-throbbing erection
between Takumi’s narrow thighs. Takumi was watching him with dark eyes. “Gii,
do you want me to…?”
“This is enough. This is more than enough.”
“But…”
“Takumi.” Gii slid an arm around Takumi’s waist, pulling him in. “I never
expected you’d let me have even this much. I won’t ask for more.” He leaned in,
touching his lips to Takumi’s forehead. He wouldn’t kiss him on the mouth again
until he’d had the chance to rinse his out. Somehow it didn’t seem likely that
Takumi would enjoy the taste of himself on Gii’s lips.
He was stunned, then, when Takumi’s small hand reached down between them, slid
between his skin and the waistband of his khakis as if the pants weren’t even
there, and took hold of his aching penis through the thin fabric of his boxers.
He felt the air escape his lungs in a groan, and when Takumi began stroking
him—awkwardly, perhaps, but with long and surprisingly firm movements—he was
seeing stars. Takumi’s mouth found his stubbornly, and he seemed not one bit
nonplussed by the taste, delving into Gii’s mouth with an insistent tongue,
even taking a moment to draw Gii’s lip between his teeth and bite down on it,
softly.
“God, Takumi, what are you--?”
“It’s not fair,” Takumi mumbled, leaving Gii’s lips to kiss the side of his
neck, beneath his ear. In spite of himself, Gii tilted his head back to give
him better access. “You got to touch me, but I can’t touch you?” He tugged
Gii’s earlobe into his mouth, sucking at it.
“You can. Of course you can,” Gii managed to grit between clenched teeth.
Takumi’s fingers, for all their inexperience, were working him in a most
effective way. “But you don’t have to.”
Ignoring this, Takumi used his other hand to wrestle with the hook of the
khakis until they opened. The space was big enough that he could fit his wrist
more comfortably, but still didn’t give him what he wanted. He made a
frustrated growling noise and Gii chuckled. “Here.” He shifted his hips, pulled
the pants down, and let his boxers go with them. With a wriggle his legs were
free, the garments lost somewhere at the foot of the bed, and Takumi’s hands
were tracing the muscles of his buttocks, the bones of his hips, leaving trails
of fire in their wake.
Gii came back up, drawing Takumi’s face to his with one hand, kissing him
breathlessly between gasps for air as the boy’s hand went back to work, now
against his naked flesh, pulling at him with touches that made Gii’s head spin
and his heart feel like it was going to batter itself out of his body. He
turned his head to kiss Takumi’s neck instead, which was a little easier since
he was so short of breath, and Takumi was whispering in his ear.
“Gii… Gii, I want to feel you inside me. Please, Gii, is it okay?”
He pulled back, staring at him in shock. “You don’t have to, Takumi. Really,
you don’t.”
“You don’t want to?”
Gii could barely contain a groan. “God, yes, I want to. So much, you can’t even
know. But…” He brushed a chunk of hair out of Takumi’s eyes, cupped his palm
against his face. “I know you can't be ready for that.”
“I want it to be you now.”
Gii blinked. “What?”
“All the memories I have, they’re of him.” Takumi had stilled his hand, was
looking at Gii with a combination of longing and shame. “You’re the one and
only person in the world who loves me unconditionally. And I want it to be you
instead. Only you, from now on.”
Gii’s eyes were smarting again, his vision blurring around the edges. “Takumi…”
The boy leaned into him, pressed his lips to Gii’s neck, moved up to whisper in
his ear. “I love you, Gii.”
A sound came from the back of Gii’s throat, like a sob, and because he couldn’t
find the words to answer, couldn’t even get Takumi’s name out of his mouth, he
just put his arms around Takumi and crushed him into his chest. “Oh,” he
finally managed to exclaim, the syllable getting stuck in his gut and coming
out like a cry. “Oh… oh…”
He'd said those same words to Takumi a hundred times, maybe a thousand. It
wasn't until this moment he'd realized he never really believed he'd hear them
back.
“Shh.” And this time it was Takumi comforting him, Takumi who was pressing
kisses along his jaw and nipping at his mouth until he kissed him back. He felt
Takumi rolling beneath him again, pulling at him to get him to move back on
top, back between his legs. But this time when he raised his knees around Gii’s
hips he pulled them higher, tilting until his pelvis was angled and Gii’s
erection was pressing just beneath the soft weight of his testicles. It was a
vulnerable position, one of absolute trust, and what was more, Gii felt Takumi
getting hard again, the pressure surging against his stomach. Gii felt like he
might come just from the sheer eroticism of it.
“Are you sure? Really sure?” he asked, searching the beautiful face in
amazement.
Takumi squeezed him with his knees. “I’m sure. Just…” he bit his lip a little,
“… go slow?”
Gii rocked their hips together, stroking his erection against Takumi’s body,
letting the skin of his stomach brush along Takumi’s hardening penis. “Then
you’re going to come with me, okay? We do this together.”
He thrust against him a few more times, just letting them both enjoy the feel
of skin sliding against skin, before drawing back to slip a hand down between
them. He traced the shaft of Takumi’s erection lightly, following it down to
the warm, soft balls beneath. These he captured in his palm, squeezing gently,
working them a bit while he let his middle finger dip lower, tracing the
sensitive skin surrounding the opening below. He didn’t try to enter him, just
applied a little pressure, and heard Takumi beginning to moan again.
“Wait just a minute,” Gii said, and he backed off of the bed, turning to open
the doors of his small closet. He took down a bin from the top drawer and
fumbled through it until he found what he was looking for—the small tube of
lubricant hidden at the bottom of a travel pouch. The one he’d never really
thought he’d have use for. But he’d bought it one day on a whim, a particularly
lonely day last year when he’d tried to strike up a conversation with Takumi in
the line at the cafeteria, and Takumi had looked right through him as if he
wasn’t even there. Back then, what they were doing now seemed impossible, a
fantasy that would never, ever be his reality. He’d seen the tube in the
drugstore and bought it in an effort to pretend to himself that there was still
hope. And now… Gii closed his eyes and took a breath, unable to keep the giddy
smile from his face. Taking the tube, he returned the bin to the shelf and
closed the closet doors.
When he turned around, he nearly dropped the lube. Takumi lay on the bed,
naked, his skin tattooed with the shivering light from the rain-spattered
window. As the rain ran in rivulets down the glass panes, the light ran in
matching patterns along Takumi’s perfect skin, his chest, his hips, his thighs
and calves. Gii felt his heart constrict in his chest. How could anything that
beautiful actually exist in real life?
Takumi propped himself up on one elbow. “Is something wrong?” He looked down at
his naked body stretched out on the still-made-up bed, and blushed. He moved to
throw the other side of the coverlet over himself, but Gii took two steps and
crossed the room.
“No, don’t.” Takumi looked up at him uncertainly, and Gii leaned over him,
pressing him back down onto the pillow. “Don’t cover up. It’s just that you’re
so beautiful I can barely stand it.”
“Gii…”
Gii laid a finger to the petal-pink lips, silencing him. When he was sure
Takumi’s protests were quieted, he trailed that finger down his chin, down the
center of his chest and stomach, watching the light play through the rain-
spatter against his skin. “I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you. I’ve
never loved anything as much as you. And every time I think I must have reached
the limit of what one person can possibly feel for another, you do or say
something that makes me fall for you even more.”
He reached Takumi’s erection and took hold of it, almost absently, stroking it
up and down until Takumi’s eyes rolled back in his head and his mouth fell
open, panting. “I’m lost, Takumi. I’m drowning in you, every minute of every
day.”
Gii twisted the top off of the tube with one hand, keeping the other moving. He
nudged Takumi’s leg aside, repositioned himself on his knees between Takumi’s
thighs. Then he leaned forward, guiding the head of Takumi’s penis into his
mouth once more. Takumi cried out, and Gii just began to move his lips on him,
up and down slowly, as he squeezed a generous portion of the lube onto his
fingertips. With one hand, he caressed and lifted Takumi’s testicles. With the
other, he spread the lube around the tender opening, making sure his finger was
thickly coated. Then, carefully, he pressed inside.
He felt the muscles constrict around his finger, heard Takumi gasp. He couldn’t
tell if it was a sound of pain, and caught the erection in his hand in order to
look up at him. Takumi’s face was pinched, but he shook his head when he saw
Gii looking at him.
“I’m okay. I’m okay, Gii. Don’t stop.”
Gii kept his finger still, returning his mouth to Takumi, waiting until he
heard the soft moaning resume before he began to move his finger again, just a
little, in and out, a little deeper each time. He kept the movements small, and
pressed around the opening in gentle circles, coaxing it to relax. He felt
Takumi beginning to shudder in his mouth, and he released him. It was too soon,
and he’d promised they’d come together this time. Instead, he moved upward,
Takumi’s legs hooking over his shoulders, and pressed forward to kiss him. His
finger was still working inside him, and as he tangled his tongue with Takumi’s
he pressed a second finger in.
Takumi made a sharp sound, and like before, Gii stilled his hand and just
kissed him for a few minutes, letting him get used to the feeling. When he felt
the muscles relaxing around his fingers he started to move again. He went
slowly, like Takumi had asked, but he pressed upward now, seeking the spot that
he knew would transform Takumi’s discomfort into bliss.
He knew he’d found it when Takumi gave another cry, his face no longer filled
with pain but ecstasy.
Gii smiled, watching him, pressing that spot again and feeling Takumi’s entire
body spasm underneath him.
“Gii. Oh Gii, I need you, please.”
“Almost.” Gii added a third finger, making sure to hit the prostate again as he
did, and this time it slid in with little resistance. Takumi’s fingers dug into
his shoulders, and he hung on as Gii moved in and out of him.
When he was sure Takumi was ready, he withdrew his hand carefully, and reached
for the lube again. This time he spread the stuff on himself, and couldn’t
resist stroking himself a couple of times in the process—he was so turned on
just watching Takumi’s face.
“Gii?” Takumi was reaching for him, and Gii leaned forward, over him.
“I’m here.” He dropped down to brush his lips again, and eased closer,
positioning himself just at Takumi’s entrance. He took a deep breath, watching
Takumi’s chest expand as he did the same. And then he pushed forward, bit by
bit. Takumi’s face contracted, and he seemed to be holding his breath. Gii
moved as slowly as he could, but god, the feel of him… his muscles shook with
the effort it took. It was the most amazing feeling he could have ever
imagined, Takumi surrounding him in the most intimate way possible.
He shuddered a little when he was at last fully inside, and as before he held
perfectly still, looking down at their joined bodies and feeling like he must
be caught in a dream. The most incredible, wonderful dream of his life, and one
he never wanted to wake up from. He reached down and took Takumi’s erection
into his hand again. To his surprise, it was Takumi who moved first, lifting
his hips upward, impaling himself deeper onto Gii, pressing into his hand
impatiently.
Gii took over, thrusting into him with long, slow strokes, marveling at the way
Takumi’s body took him in a little more each time, experimenting with the tilt
of his pelvis until he found the right angle—the one that made Takumi tremble
and moan with every push. He knew when Takumi wanted him to go faster, because
Takumi’s hips bucked against him more rapidly, and he obligingly sped up the
pace, trying to hit that sweet spot each time, and sliding his hand up and down
Takumi’s erect penis with a speed to match.
He felt his own climax getting close, watched Takumi’s face intently. The raw
pleasure he saw there was breathtaking, primal and pure in its intensity, and
he thrust deeper and harder just to be able to keep looking at it.
“Gii… Gii, I have to… ahh…”
The instant he felt Takumi spilling over the top of his hand he was releasing
too, deep inside Takumi’s body, with a rush of euphoria like nothing he’d ever
felt in his life. He couldn’t keep it up then, had to throw himself forward
onto his one free hand, as Takumi convulsed and throbbed around him and he felt
the fluid working its way back out. His shoulders heaved as he fought for
breath. Thinking Takumi was probably uncomfortable by now, he started to ease
himself out, but Takumi reached down and wrapped his fingers around Gii’s
wrist.
“Not yet. Stay with me like this. Just for a little while?” The request was
made almost shyly, and Gii could not have denied him even if he’d wanted to.
He leaned forward, one of Takumi’s legs still draped on his shoulder, and
kissed him long and deep. “I love you. I love you so much.”
Takumi opened his eyes with a sigh, and Gii felt his thin fingers tangling in
his hair. “I know. You keep telling me that.”
“Because it keeps being true.” He kissed his forehead, his eyelids, his nose.
“It’s not going to change. Not ever, no matter what. I knew it the first time I
saw you step on that stage, from the first note you pulled out of that violin
when we were… what, eleven? Twelve?”
“Fourteen, I think,” Takumi said, with a sudden smile that was so bright and
real that it made Gii’s heart skip.
“It feels longer. It feels like I’ve loved you my whole life. Like it’s what I
was born to do. And I need you to promise me something, Takumi.”
“Eh?”
“No more secrets.” He felt Takumi’s body tense, just a little, around him. “I
mean it. I don’t want anything coming between us like that ever again. I want
to know everything about you, always. I want to be able to touch you, to be
with you like this when I need you. And when you need me.”
“Gii…”
“Promise me. Please.”
Takumi looked up at him, his black eyes reflecting the wavering light from the
window. It was still raining. Gii could see longing there, mingled with a
little disbelief. After everything they’d just done, was he still doubting? But
Takumi’s lips curved again, a more tremulous smile this time. “I promise, Gii.”
Gii withdrew from his body then, gently, and urged Takumi onto his side so he
could curl up behind him, pressing his chest and belly to Takumi’s back,
fitting their hips together, tucking his legs along the length of Takumi’s. He
put his arm around his waist, bringing his hand up to rest against Takumi’s
breastbone, and pulled him into his body. “Isn’t this better?” Gii raised his
head to kiss him again, lightly, just beneath his ear. “Isn’t this better than
being afraid, being untouchable?”
Takumi sighed, interlacing his fingers with Gii’s where they rested on his
chest. “It is, Gii. It’s so much better.”
They fell asleep, listening to the rain.
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