Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/432180.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Glee
  Relationship:
      Kurt_Hummel/Sebastian_Smythe
  Character:
      Kurt_Hummel, Sebastian_Smythe, Blaine_Anderson, Burt_Hummel
  Additional Tags:
      Self_Harm, discussion_of_bulimia, Suicidal_Thoughts, Klaine_will_break_up
      here
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-01-01 Completed: 2012-06-12 Chapters: 11/11 Words: 14850
****** Show me yours I show you mine ******
by Daughter_of_Scotland
Summary
     Kurt realizes that he and Sebastian have more in common than he
     thought. Warnings for Self-Harm, Bulimia, Talk of Suicide.
Notes
     After 3x14, so spoilers.
     Also: Heavy talk about Self-harm, Bulimia, Suicide
***** Day One *****
On Sunday, after they'd found out that Quinn would survive, but might lose an
arm and be scarred for life, Kurt looked up Sebastian on Facebook.
He stared at the picture for a long time, before he opened a new message and
thought about what to write. He wasn't sure if he should really do this, if he
might be wrong… But then he remembered Sebastian's face at the Lima Bean,
talking about Dave, remembered all those other signs he'd ignored.
Before he could change his mind, he sent a simple message: We need to talk.
And then he waited.
He got the answer a few hours later, after dinner. Why?
It was short and clearly dismissive and Kurt sighed at the sight of it, before
typing out a response: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
There. He'd said it. Either Sebastian would get it and react accordingly, or
he'd just make a crude joke and Kurt wouldn't need to talk to him again.
A few anxious minutes later, he got his answer: My room, after school tomorrow.
Included was Sebastian's room number.
Kurt didn't bother to reply this time; Sebastian had understood him and he'd
know that Kurt would be there.
Feeling uneasy, Kurt got ready for bed, not sure if he'd be able to concentrate
in class the following day, but deciding to try anyway.
===============================================================================
Kurt sighed heavily as he left McKinley the next day. As he'd expected, he
hadn't been able to concentrate at all, but, lucky for him, people were so
distracted by Quinn's accident (and did they even careabout Dave? It hadn't
even been a week since… Kurt shook his head, trying to forget about that, of
course they wouldn't care, he was just "another queer" after all), that classes
consisted mostly of rumours and prayers.
Also, the last two classes were cancelled, so Kurt had enough time to get to
Dalton before they even got out.
He didn't even remember what he said to Blaine to make him go home alone
instead of going to the Lima Bean or even the hospital. He hated lying to his
boyfriend, but this was something he had to do alone, and he couldn't very well
tell him that he was out to meet Sebastian Smythe, of all people, to talk about
the one thing they definitely had in common (except for their interest in
Blaine, of course).
The ride didn't seem long enough and all too soon Kurt was sitting in his car
outside of Dalton, unsure if he really wanted to do this.
Go in there. Into the lion's den. Into Sebastian's room. Talking about things
he'd never before talked about to anyone.
Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Don't chicken out now," he told
himself firmly and stepped out of the car, walking to the front doors in
determination.
He found Sebastian's room easily enough, seeing that he'd lived at the dorms
himself for a while. He was glad that he was early, he didn't really want to
meet any of the other Warblers.
He knocked at Sebastian's door and after a brief shuffle a voice from inside
told him that it was open. Kurt took another deep breath and stepped into the
room.
===============================================================================
When Sebastian had gotten Kurt's second message, he had felt like someone had
punched him in the gut. Hard. He tried to find another explanation than the
obvious, tried to tell himself that Kurt couldn't mean that.
In the end he had to accept that Kurt probably didmean what he was afraid of
and wouldn't stop sending him messages, even if he pretended not to understand.
Kurt was stubborn like that.
So Sebastian had agreed to meet Kurt, on his terms, in his room. So he could at
least feellike he had some advantage.
But now Kurt was standing in his room and Sebastian was already freaking out,
trying his best to not show it on his face. Kurt was here. In his room. And he
wanted to talk about the one thing Sebastian tried to hide more than anything
else.
He swallowed and sat back on his desk chair, crossing his arms in front of his
chest, looking at Kurt expectantely.
"Hello, Hummel," he said, his voice quivering slightly. He realized just a
second later that Kurt was shaking and not looking at him, not directly. Good.
At least Sebastian wasn't the only one who was nervous.
Kurt took a deep breath and pulled a picture out of his jacket. "Hello,
Sebastian," he answered, walking closer and handed the other boy the picture.
He then proceeded to sit down on the bed, crossing his legs.
Sebastian looked down at the picture. It showed a young, overweight boy, maybe
ten or eleven with brown hair. He looked from it to Kurt and was just about to
ask what this was about when it hit him.
He looked at the picture again, then back to Kurt, his eyes wide.
Kurt nodded lightly. "Yes, that's me," he agreed.
Sebastian swallowed and handed the picture back. "What happened?" he croaked,
his voice rough. The boy looked nothinglike Kurt now.
Kurt looked at the picture before pocketing it again and shrugged. "My Mom died
when I was eight," he said. "I turned to food. In Middle school the bullying
got so bad that I decided to do something about it."
Sebastian's gaze landed on Kurt's hands, and when Kurt reached out with his
left hand he saw the small white scars on the knuckles. Scars made by teeth,
from pulling the fingers out of your mouth too quickly.
"No one but my Dad knows how bad it really got," Kurt continued quietly, taking
his hand back. "And not even he knows that I'm not really cured."
Sebastian nodded, looking him squarely in the eye. "Because it's nothing that
can ever be cured," he said flatly and Kurt nodded. "Exactly."
===============================================================================
They sat in silence for a while after that, not looking at each other.
Sebastian knew that Kurt was waiting for him to… share something of his own.
But Sebastian didn't know if he could really do it.
Instead he asked something that had been on his mind for a while now.
"Does Blaine know you're here?"
He looked at Kurt who shook his head. "No," the brunette said. "Blaine… He's
had his own bad experience, which I can't tell you about because they're not
mine to share. But I… I know he never thought about… Hurting himself. No matter
how much pain he was in, he'd never do that. He's stronger than that."
He smiled weakly, tiredly. "He doesn't understand. He told me so himself, when
we heard about Dave. And I… I never wanted him to know about my weak side, and
now I'm sure it's nothing I can talk to him about."
He looked at Sebastian. "You're different."
Sebastian thought about that and then nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am."
They didn't say anything else and Kurt left after a while, leaving behind his
number and the promise to come back the next day.
***** Day Two *****
Going to Dalton again the next day proved to be a bit more difficult than on
Monday. Classes were fully in session and Kurt had Glee.
In the end he decided to ditch the latter – feigning a cold. He wasn't really
interested in a second religious debate, the one after his father's heart
attack still on his mind, and not up to think about "reassuring songs" or
whatever Mr. Schu decided for them to be a good theme of the week.
So, he lied. Blaine didn't look convinced, but Kurt left before he could corner
him.
About halfway to Dalton his phone beeped and at the next light he checked – it
was a text from an unknown number. Are you still coming today?
Had to be Sebastian. Kurt sent an affirmative and continued his drive, feeling
more relaxed all of a sudden. Sebastian was okay with him coming again. He
didn't… force himself and this talks on the other boy. That was okay. It felt
better.
===============================================================================
Sebastian stared at his phone. He'd just sent a message to Kurt, without even
thinking about it. Asking if the other boy would still come over – because he
was later than yesterday.
He frowned. Why would he do that? Was he worried? Kurt had school, of course
he'd be here later…
He jumped when his phone beeped and his eyes widened when he felt the relief
wash through him at seeing Kurt's message. Sure. I'll be there in a bit.
"Why am I smiling?" Sebastian whispered, but not able to stop his mouth from
lifting.
He tossed the phone on his bed and decided to concentrate on some homework
before Kurt arrived.
===============================================================================
About half an hour later Kurt knocked on Sebastian's door and entered the room
after the quiet permission. He was less nervous than yesterday, this would be
good for both of them and –
"Oh my god, why the hell are you naked?" he exclaimed and turned around to face
the door, his face burning hotly.
A chuckle answered him and he heard Sebastian moving.
"Relax, Hummel, I kept my pants on," Sebastian said and sounded way too close.
"And why aren't you wearing a shirt, for god's sake?" Kurt asked, still staring
at the door, willing his blush to go away – and at the same time trying to
forget the little glimpse he'd gotten of a well-defined, tanned chest.
"I thought you came here to talk about… well… you know." Sebastian had moved
even closer, Kurt could practically feel him breathing on his neck. "I wanted
to show them to you."
Kurt's eyes widened and he took a deep breath – and turned around.
===============================================================================
Sebastian wasn't sure why he'd thought this was a good idea. But after a bit of
homework he'd decided that, since Kurt had shared yesterday, it was now his
turn.
And before he could chicken out he'd pulled off his shirt as soon as he heard
the knock on his door, sure it was Kurt.
"Come in," he called, standing in the middle of the room, shirtless, hands
clasped behind his back.
What he hadn't expected was Kurt's squeal and kind of prudish response as soon
as he saw him and it actually did a lot to extinguis his nervousness.
He felt like his old self – his flirty, self-assured self. Not like the scared
childhe'd reverted back to since Kurt's message yesterday.
So he moved closer until he could practically feel the heat radiating off Kurt,
telling him what this was about – just to step back hastily when Kurt actually
turned around to face him, eyes trained on his face.
===============================================================================
"You could have warned me," Kurt said, his voice shaking a bit. Yes, he'd
planned to talk to Sebastian about… that, but hadn't expected to seeright away.
To be allowedto see.
Sebastian shrugged, moving farther into the room. "Yeah… I didn't really think
about it." He didn't add that he'd been afraid to chicken out if he waited, but
he was pretty sure that Kurt got it anyway.
===============================================================================
They were now standing in the middle of the room, Sebastian's hands still
clasped tightly behind his back. Kurt took another deep breath and stepped as
close to the other boy as he let himself. "So. Show me?"
Sebastian closed his eyes, calming himself, before letting the tension seep out
of him. He pulled his arms away from each other, letting them fall to his side.
He usually wore long shirt, or at least some with sleeps down over his ellbow.
He made sure he always did.
So no one would see the scars on both his arms, starting a bit above his
ellbows, going up to his shoulders, a wild pattern of white and red lines, some
he couldn't even remember when he'd gotten them. The ones on his left arm were
more even than the ones on his right, and higher in number.
===============================================================================
Kurt took all this in with a few glances, before he lifted his own hand,
reaching out hesitantely.
Sebastian gave a tiny nod and Kurt touched his left arm, moving it a bit to
look at the scars more closely, tracing them, before doing the same to the
other arm.
"Why here?" he asked quietly, looking into Sebastian's eyes who shrugged.
"Because it's easily to cover," he answered. "And… Well, people don't exactly
concentrate on my arms when I'm naked and in bed with them."
Kurt winced at that but he had to agree that it was probably true – while you
were fucking, arms were mostly the last on your mind.
His eyes locked on some lines that seemed relatively fresh. "When was the last
time you… did this?" he asked quietly, letting go and stepping back a bit.
Sebastian reached for a shirt, not looking at Kurt. "The night I found out
about Dave," he answered, covering himself.
Kurt bit his lip and nodded, he could understand that.
===============================================================================
"What about yours?" Sebastian asked and Kurt met his eyes again, hesitating for
a moment.
"On my legs," he said finally. "I use make up to cover then when Blaine's
coming over."
Sebastian nodded. "Show me?" he asked, his voice a bit rough and Kurt faltered.
Showing Sebastian… That meant stepping out of his pants. Suddenly he couldn't
breath.
"They… I covered them up today," he croaked and Sebastian was stepping closer
again, into Kurt's personal space and he couldn't breathe!
"You could use the shower," Sebastian suggested, his voice lower than usually
and filled with something Kurt didn't want to think about.
He averted his eyes and stepped closer to the door. "Another time," he managed
to bite out before he turned and fled, practically running to his car.
===============================================================================
Sebastian cursed loudly when the door closed behind Kurt, falling down on his
bed.
What the fuck was that?he asked himself, groaning. His brain had literally shut
down when Kurt mentioned the placement of his scars and all he could think
about was getting Kurt out of his pants. But why? He wasn't interested in Kurt,
he wasn't even his type – too uptight, to concerned with fasion, too much of a
stereotypical twink.
And still. His body had reacted on its own and so had his tongue, apparently.
He looked down and wasn't surprised to see that he was a bit hard in his pants.
He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. What the fuck was wrong with him?
With a sigh he reached for his phone, biting his lip and thought about what to
say to Kurt so he'd come back.
Another Time, he'd said, but who knew if that would actually happen now?
===============================================================================
Kurt was sitting in his car, breathing heavily. He didn't trust himself to
drive yet, so he just sat there, trying to calm down.
He gripped the stearing wheel with so much force he wouldn't be surprised if it
broke.
Sebastian's words, his closeness, had scared him – but worse was the fact that
he could feel his cock throbbing in his pants, straining against the zipper.
He didn't know why his body reacted like this, it wasn't supposed to. He was
with Blaine, he lovedBlaine! Kurt sobbed. He felt dirty, getting hard because
of someone else than his boyfriend. Because of Sebastian.
He was seriously thinking about blowing off the whole thing, telling Sebastian
that he wouldn't come over again – but on the other hand, he'd never felt so…
free.
Sebastian was someone he could really talk with. He didn't have to be careful,
didn't have to hold back. He could share his darkest secrets and wouldn't be
judged.
Could he really give that up right after discovering that he wasn't alone?
Kurt took a shuddery breath when he realized that, no, he couldn't. He
wouldn't. He would come back to Sebastian, and at some point would show him his
scars - even if that meant he'd have to strip for the other boy.
Kurt was seriously scared of the way this thought made his cock throb again.
===============================================================================
He looked at his phone where it beeped on the passenger seat and reached for
it, reading Sebastian's message.
When was the last time you did it?
Kurt swallowed and typed back. What do you mean? Throw up? Cut? Hurt myself?
The answer came immediately. All three of them.
Kurt closed his eyes for a second. He knew that Sebastian would get the
difference between the second and third point.
Deciding to be completely honest he replied. After our first talked alone.
AfterScandals. After opening night of West Side Story.
There. He'd said it. Another of his darkest secrets, out for Sebastian Smythe
to know and use against him. But he didn't feel worried about it, weirdly
enough.
Kurt started the car and drove home, feeling better all of a sudden.
Sebastian's reply came when he was already home and showered, getting ready for
dinner.
Next time you feel like doing something to yourself because of me, call me. And
yell. Okay?
Kurt couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face and wouldn't disappear
for the rest of the evening, causing some questioning glances from his Dad and
Carole.
Deal, he typed back. And meant it.
***** Day Three *****
Kurt didn't contact Sebastian for the next three days. It was better that way,
he told himself. He couldn't go to the Warbler every day, Blaine and his
friends would get suspicious.
And he didn't know what he should tell them if they asked him for the reason he
met Sebastian, so the best action was to be careful about it.
Kurt almost believed himself.
===============================================================================
On Friday after school, Kurt and Blaine went to the Lima Bean, intending to do
their homework there so they could have a free weekend.
Blaine was telling Kurt about the charity event he had to go tonight with his
family and was trying to propose some plans for the two of them for Saturday
night, when a shadow fell across their table.
They both looked up and Kurt paled when he recognized Sebastian.
The other boy looked exhausted, there were dark shadows under his eyes and his
uniform wasn't as groomed as usual.
"Kurt," he said and the brunette couldn't help the flare of panic that shot
through him at the way Sebastian spoke his name – quiet and desperate. "Kurt,
I… can we talk?"
Kurt opened his mouth to retort – what exactly he wasn't even sure – but Blaine
beat him to it.
"What the hell, Sebastian?" he hissed, glaring at the other boy. "No, you can't
talk to Kurt, why would he? Leave us alone!"
Kurt looked at Blaine, feeling shocked. He knew that Blaine still hadn't
forgiven Sebastian for the slushie, even after his apology, but this was harsh.
And completely unnecessary, seeing that Kurt could well speak for himself.
"Blaine –" he started but was interrupted again.
"No, Kurt," Blaine snapped. "He can't walk in here and demand to talk to you,
he has no right. Not after what he has done." He looked up at Sebastian.
"Leave," he told him. "We don't want you in our lives."
Kurt felt the anger a second before it slammed into him and stood hurriedly,
packing his things.
"Enough, Blaine," he said coolly. "I think I can decide for myself whom I want
to talk to. And Sebastian didn't demandanything, he asked. And I think I'll
hear him out. You have to go home anyway, to get ready for the benefit. I'll
call you tomorrow."
Without another word he grabbed his back and motioned for Sebastian to go,
following him out of the shop without a glance back towards his boyfriend.
===============================================================================
"Are you sure this is okay?" Sebastian asked when they were outside, walking to
his car. "He'll have questions…"
Kurt looked at him and shrugged. "It'll be fine," he said, sighing. "You look
like hell, Sebastian, I couldn't ignore you… And I'm sorry for not contacting
you the past few days. I started this whole thing, I can't just back out
whenever I want."
Sebastian didn't answer, instead opened the passenger door to his BMW and let
Kurt in before moving to the driver's side.
"Where are we going?" Kurt asked curiously and Sebastian swallowed. "To my
parents' house, if that's okay," he said. "Don't worry, no one's there, but
it's closer than Dalton."
Kurt nodded. "Sure, no problem," he answered and looked Sebastian over again.
"What's wrong, Sebastian?"
Sebastian shook his head slightly. "I'll tell you when we're there," he said,
his voice still… wrong, somehow. "I just… I don't want to talk about it while
driving."
Kurt could understand that. "Okay," he assured the other boy. "That's fine. I
can wait."
He took out his phone, and as he'd suspected, there were already two messages
from Blaine. Kurt sent him a quick text that they'd talk the next day and then
put the phone away again.
They drove in silence for the rest of the way.
===============================================================================
Kurt knew that Sebastian's parents had money, but the house still surprised
him. It was bigger than he'd expected and included a well groomed garden and a
pool.
Sebastian led him inside and upstairs right away so Kurt didn't really get the
chance to appreciate the tasteful interior design.
Sebastian's room looked clean and well cared for, but it was also clear that
Sebastian didn't spend much time here.
Kurt sat down on the bed carefully and looked at Sebastian, patiently waiting
for him to start talking.
===============================================================================
Sebastian was walking up and down, not sure where to start. He'd only thought
about speaking to Kurt, needingto speak to him, but now he didn't know what to
say.
"My Mom hates Ohio," he suddenly blurted out and stopped in front of Kurt,
running a hand through his hair. "And she hates my Dad. She spends most of the
year in France, but they can't get a divorce because of Dad's reputation. They
both have lovers and they know it, but never talk about them. They communicated
via Emails and sometimes, Mom comes here to go to some benefit with Dad, for
which he actually pays her. It's ridiculous."
He wasn't laughing though, instead he couldn't hold in the sob that escaped him
at his words.
"When I came home today… She was here. No one had told me or I would have
stayed at Dalton. Instead I came home to them fighting… And then Mom asked if
I… If I was still in my "phase" or if I had found a girlfriend yet. She kept
telling me how wrong my life style is and Dad was just standing there and… I
couldn't take it anymore."
He sat down beside Kurt and burried his face in his hands. "I left, drove
around, until our housekeeper send me a text that they were gone… I went to the
Bean for some coffee and thought I would call you, maybe, but then you were
sitting there and I didn't think… I didn't want to create problems for you with
Blaine, but I couldn't stop myself, I…"
He looked at Kurt. "I was so close," he whispered. "So fucking close. And I
remembered what I told you, that you should call me whenever you feel the need
to… do anything and I thought I should do that, too. Call you, I mean. Instead
of hurting myself. So here we are."
===============================================================================
Kurt had listened to Sebastian closely when the other boy fell silent he
reached out hesitantely and put his arm around Sebastian's shoulder, pulling
him closer.
"You did the right thing," he said quietly and felt him relax in his embrace.
"I'll take care of Blaine tomorrow. Today I'll make sure you're alright. You'll
be okay."
===============================================================================
Sebastian started to shake and couldn't hold back his tears any longer. Secure
in Kurt's arms he broke down, sobbing and crying violently.
Kurt just held him, stroking his back and hair, never letting go.
After a while they moved up on the bed, curling up next to each other, their
whole bodies touching and Sebastian finally fell asleep, exhausted and with
tears still on his face.
Kurt pulled out his phone and sent his Dad a quick text, telling him he'd sleep
over at Mercedes', before putting his phone away and closing his eyes, too, his
arms still around Sebastian's body.
***** Burt *****
Chapter Notes
     By the way, if you want to read me rambling about my writing and…
     other stuff, follow me on tumblr, I'm daughterofscotland there.
     I'm not a Blaine/Klaine/Darren friendly blog though, just a warning :
     )
Kurt woke up from a vibration to his left. He blindly groped for it, and, with
his eyes still closed, answered the phone.
"Hello?" he croaked.
"Damn, Kurt, where the hell are you?" the voice of his father boomed into his
ear. Kurt was suddenly completely awake and his eyes flew open. In a second he
realized where he was – Sebastian's bed – and that Sebastian was still curled
closely around him.
"Oh, god," he groaned and heard his father draw in a sharp breath.
"Kurt, I know you're not at Mercedes's, because, guess what? She went on a date
with Sam last night. So where are you?"
Kurt hit his forehead and felt Sebastian stir beneath him, looking up at him
groggily.
"God, Dad, I'm so sorry," Kurt said and Sebastian blinked, panic in his eyes.
"I'm fine, don't worry… I went to a-a friend's house and I couldn't tell you
because…" He trailed off, watching Sebastian distangle himself, with panic
still evident on his face. "Dad," Kurt said, calming down. "I'll come home and
tell you, okay? I don't want to do this over the phone. I promise, it's nothing
bad and I'm fine."
Burt took another deep breath and Kurt could hear him nod. "Okay, kid," he said
calmly. "I expect you home soon."
"Yes, Dad," Kurt answered and hung up, looking at Sebastian who stood beside
the bed by now. "What will you tell him?" the Warbler asked and Kurt could
practically seehis walls coming up behind his eyes.
"Nothing," he answered, sitting up, making a face at the taste in his mouth.
"Well, not nothing, of course, but nothing specific."
He took Sebastian's hand and felt him relax after a short twitch. "I'll tell
him that I'm helping you with something similar to what I was going through,"
he explained slowly. "He won't ask questions and if he does, I won't say
anything you wouldn't want him to know. I promise. Do you believe me?"
Sebastian searched his face for a moment, then nodded, looking into Kurt's
eyes. "Yeah. I believe you."
They shared a small smile and went to get ready for their day.
===============================================================================
They arrived at Kurt's home about two hours later. Kurt had forgotten that
Sebastian had to drive him and now they sat in the car, looking at each other.
"You don't have to come inside," Kurt said quietly, squeezing Sebastian's arm.
"You don't have to explain anything to him if you don't want to."
Sebastian shook his head, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. "I don't
want to," he admitted and looked at Kurt. "But I don't want you to be in
trouble because of me, either. If we're gonna continue… this… I think your Dad
deserves the truth."
Kurt smiled brightly. "Thank you, Seb," he said earnestly. "Thank you."
Sebastian couldn't help it – he smiled back. "Let's go then," he said, clearing
his throat and together they left the car and walked into the house.
===============================================================================
Burt was hovering near the door when they walked in, having heard the car in
the driveway.
He looked Kurt up and down for a moment, clearly looking for injuries, then his
gaze zoomed in on Sebastian who seemed to shrink behind Kurt. Kurt reached out
instinctively and laced their fingers together, ignoring the surprised look on
Burt's face.
"Dad," Kurt said calmly. "This is Sebastian. We need to talk. And it's… just
between us three, if that's okay."
He sent Carole, who was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, an apologetic
look. She just smiled and nodded at him, closing the door behind herself.
Burt led the boys into the living room, where Kurt and Sebastian sat down on
the couch, the taller boy moving closer without hesitation.
Burt sat down in the seat opposite of them, his arms crossed before his chest.
"Well then," he said gruffly. "Talk. Tell me why you lied to me last night."
Sebastian flinched and Kurt squeezed his hand. "Dad," he said quietly.
"Remember Middle School? When I was… sick?"
Burt paled and sat up straighter, his arms dropping to the armrests of his
chair. "Kurt! Are you-"
"Yes," Kurt interrupted him firmly. "I'm fine, Dad. I wasn't… Last night wasn't
about me."
Burt focused back on Sebastian who slowly lifted his eyes, meeting Burt's.
"Kurt… Stayed with me last night," he said slowly. "I… I was… I needed help.
And he was the only one… He's the only one that knows…" He trailed off and Kurt
let go off his hand to pull him closer instead, his arm around Sebastian's
shoulder.
"Sebastian needed me last night, Dad," Kurt said softly. "I couldn't tell you
because I wasn't sure how much I was allowed to tell you. It's not my secret to
share. But Seb… He wanted to be honest with you about where I was. That's why
we're here now."
Burt relaxed, but only a bit. He was still looking at Sebastian who avoided his
eyes again. "Do you have the same… thing… as Kurt?" he asked and Sebastian
nodded. He remembered Kurt telling him that his Dad only knew about the
bulimia, not the other stuff, but, well, he wasn't lying, not really.
"I found out after what happened with Dave," Kurt continued. "And I confronted
him. I thought… Well. I thought he might need help."
Like you do, Sebastian thought, but kept it to himself. Burt thought that Kurt
was okay right now and Sebastian didn't need to convince him otherwise.
Burt nodded slowly. "That's very… admirable of you, Kurt," he said carefully.
"And I won't punish you for staying out the night in that case. But, please, if
it happens again: Don't lie to me."
Kurt nodded. "I promise, Dad," he said and Sebastian was almost proud at his
clear, unwavering voice. Kurt was lying to his Dad about his own condition all
the time, but you wouldn't suspect a thing if you didn't know.
"Sebastian."
The boy looked up at that, meeting Burt's eyes again. The man was smiling and
Sebastian felt a rush of affection for Kurt's Dad – and jealousy, too. His Dad
never looked at him like that…
"Thank you for telling me," Burt continued. "I can't imagine it's easy, so
thanks for trusting me with it. If you ever… want to talk to someone else than
Kurt, a grown up, because I figure your parents don't know?" Sebastian shook
his head at that and Burt nodded. "Well, if you ever… feel the need to talk to
an adult, I'll always listen. And if… If you ever need a place to stay… Our
house is always open."
Sebastian felt Kurt stiffen at that and looked at him: Kurt looked utterly
surprised at his Dad's words, but also happy. "Thank you, Dad," he said warmly
and Sebastian had to smile at the feeling in Kurt's voice.
He looked back at Burt. "Thank you, Sir," he said honestly. "I really
appreciate that. But I… Well, I hopethat yesterday was an exception. I had
some… Problems and I couldn't cope, so I asked Kurt for help. I don't intend to
make it a regular occurance, I promise."
Kurt gave him a small smile which he returned and Burt frowned a bit. "Well,
that's good," he said gruffly. "But still, the offer stands. Kurt, I just
remembered – Blaine called. Repeatedly. You might want to call him back."
Sebastian paled and instantely shifted away from Kurt who let go of him with a
light frown.
"I… Yeah. Yeah, okay," he said and stood up, looking at Sebastian. "Would you
like to come up to my room and wait while I call him?"
Sebastian bit his lip and shook his head, standing too. "No, I… I should
probably head home. Mom and Dad will be up by now, I should at least talk to
them before Mom goes back to Paris…"
He reached out to shake Burt's hand. "Thanks again, Mr. Hummel," he said before
he walked to the front door, Kurt following him.
===============================================================================
"You don't have to leave," the brunette said quietly and Sebastian smile
warily. "Yeah, I have to," he argued. "Blaine probably wants to talk to you in
person… You left with me yesterday after all, he'll want an explanation…"
He didn't look at Kurt, so he reached out and took Sebastian's hands in his. "I
won't tell him," Kurt promised. "I'll find another way to explain it, but I
won't expose your secret. I promise."
Sebastian smiled a bit wider then and stroked Kurt's wrists with his thumbs for
a second.
"I know," he said sincerely. "I trust you, Kurt. Thank you."
He let go and walked to his car, waving at the other boy who stayed out on the
porch until Sebastian was gone.
===============================================================================
Then he sighed and went back into the house, looking at his Dad.
Burt moved closer and hugged Kurt tightly. Kurt let out a small sob and clung
to his father.
"I was scared for him," he admitted quietly, crying into Burt's shirt.
"Yesterday I was… really scared for him. Thank you, Dad."
Burt nodded, but didn't say anything. His mind was clearly not with Sebastian,
but with Kurt, years ago.
"Go and call Blaine," he said after a while and let go of Kurt. "He's waiting."
Kurt nodded and wiped his eyes, going upstairs, his phone clutched in his hand.
***** Blaine *****
Kurt sat on his bed, phone in hand, and stared into nothing.
After a bit he sighed and dialed Blaine's number.
His boyfriend picked up after the first ring, a bit breathless. "Kurt! Finally!
Where are you, I was so worried, your Dad said you hadn't been home and he
didn't know where you were, oh god, what happened?"
Kurt didn't answer for a moment, cold dread filling him. He didn't know how to
answer that question without lying. He sighed.
"I… I'm not sure we should talk over the phone," he said carefully. "I'm fine,
Blaine. I had some… stuff to deal with, but I'm fine. Could you… come over?"
There was silence on the other end for a minute. "You were with Sebastian,
weren't you?" Blaine finally asked and he sounded heartbroken. Kurt's eyes
widened as he understood why.
"God, Blaine!" he cried out, sitting up straighter. "It's not like that!
Please, believe me! Yes, I was with Sebastian but not… Not because of anything
like that."
He could hear Blaine sigh – in relief, he thought. "Okay," Blaine said quietly.
"Okay, I'll… I'll come over. I'll be there in a bit."
He hung up and Kurt stared at the phone again, feeling cold. Blaine thought
he'd cheated. With Sebastian. "Why would you think that?" he asked the empty
room and suddenly he couldn't see, his vision got blurred by hot tears.
He felt bile rose into his throat and barely managed to reach the bathroom
before the breakfast Sebastian had made him a few hours ago came back up.
Kurt retched and cried for 20 minutes before he calmed down enough to strip and
get into the shower, where he continued to cry. But at least his stomach was
empty now.
===============================================================================
Blaine took long enough to arrive for Kurt to get himself back under control.
He covered up his red-rimmed eyes as well as he could – years of practice
helped – and even found the energy to do his hair. Then he waited.
When Blaine finally came up to his room, let into the house by Burt, Kurt was
smiling and, if Blaine's answering smile was any indication, it didn't seem
forced at all.
"Hey there," Kurt said softly and hugged his boyfriend, pulling him close. "I'm
so happy to see you."
Blaine laughed and returned the hug. "Okay, I'm getting a bit freaked out
here," he admitted, looking at Kurt's face. "What's going on?"
Kurt led them over to the bed so they could both sit down, keeping Blaine's
hand in his.
"Blaine, I…" He took a deep breath, still not quite sure how to explain it. "I
can't tell you why I was with Sebastian last night," he tried again, not
looking at Blaine. "You saw him yesterday. There was… He has some problems. I
can't tell you what, because it's not my place to share, but he needed help. He
and I, we met a few days ago and talked about it, and… I'm helping him. Trying
to. Basically just being there for him."
He lifted his eyes then, meeting Blaine's. His boyfriend was looking concerned,
confused and calculating. A lot of c-adjectives and Kurt felt hysterical
laughter bubbling up in his chest. He stomped down on it violently and looked
back down to keep himself grounded.
"I went with him to his house to talk and we fell asleep. Nothing happened, he
just couldn't be alone last night." He took a deep breath. "It might happen
again."
Blaine inhaled sharply and pulled his hand out of Kurt's. "Kurt," he said,
sounding pained and Kurt looked at him again. "I… Look, I'm not gonna tell you
who you can be friends with," Blaine said, wringing his hands. "But… It's
Sebastian. You hatehim. He almost blinded me and even though he might have
grown mellow a bit after Dave's attempt he's still the same – Why are youthe
one helping him?"
Kurt had flinched at the mention of Dave and the cold came back with force. He
stomped on that, too. "I can't explain," he said, feeling defeated. "Blaine, I…
I just can't. You need to trust me on this, please. I wouldn't… I wouldn't be
like this if he didn't really need me."
Blaine sighed and moved a hand up as if to rake through his hair, but he
stopped when he remembered the gel. "Okay," he said, sighing again. "Kurt, I
trust you. I just… it's Sebastian. I don't want you to get hurt."
Kurt almost laughed. Sebastian would be the last one able to hurt him right now
he was sure.
"He won't," he answered, simply and smiled at Blaine who returned it after a
minute.
===============================================================================
And just like that, the atmosphere shifted. Blaine moved closer, making Kurt
back up on the bed until he was leaning against the headboard, with Blaine
kneeling between his legs.
"Let's stop talking about him," Blaine growled and cupped Kurt's face in his
hands. "I had to endure this benefit last night… Couldn't stop thinking of you.
Want me to tell you what I thought about?"
Kurt smirked. "Oh, I'm sure it was entirely appropiate for the company you were
in," he replied and moved his hands to Blaine's neck, drawing him in.
They kissed lazily for a while, moving around on the bed for a bit. Soon Kurt
was flat on his back and Blaine hovered above him, bracing himself on his
ellbows as his hips ground into Kurt's in small circles.
Blaine groaned at the friction and Kurt let out a gasp as the lips on his moved
down to latch on his neck, sucking softly.
"God, Kurt, I want you so much," Blaine growled and Kurt felt himself freeze.
Blaine's hand wandered down, opening Kurt's pants. "Fuck, Kurt… Need you, want
to be inside you, I want-"
===============================================================================
Kurt pushed his hands away and sat up, effectively making Blaine back up on his
knees again.
They looked at each other in silence for a moment and Kurt cringed at the
frustrated and disappointed look on Blaine's face.
"What's going on, Kurt?" Blaine asked, rubbing his eyes. "I've never said
anything before, but… I don't get it."
He frowned at Kurt who closed his pants again. "We slept together," Blaine
continued. "I gave you my virginity. But since then you've just… stopped. We're
back to the No-Hands-Under-Clothes rule? Why? You don't even let me touch you,
all we ever do is kissing and grinding… Which is great, really, but I don't get
why we can't do more."
Kurt looked away, biting his lip. He didn't know what to say. "I just… I don't
feel in the mood," he said lamely and Blaine rolled his eyes. "For weeks?" he
scoffed. "You can't be serious. We're teenagers, Kurt, no teenager isn't in the
mood for weeks."
Kurt flinched but didn't answer. He couldn't tell Blaine the truth – that he
hadn't been ready, that he'd only done it because he was afraid of losing
Blaine to Sebastian.
"I just… I think, maybe we went too fast after all," he tried but stopped when
Blaine shook his head.
"We've been together for months, Kurt. And you were the one who said he wanted
to do it, remember? I've let you fuck me, is it so unbelievable that I want
something in return now?"
===============================================================================
Silence fell after Blaine's last words and the boys looked at each other in
shock. Blaine paled and reached for Kurt who recoiled.
"Kurt, I… I didn't mean…"
Kurt shook his head violently. He already felt his insides freezing and had to
forcefully hold himself together. "You should leave," he spat out, not looking
at Blaine.
"No!" Blaine protested. "Please, Kurt, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that,
I'm just frustrated, please-"
"Right now,Blaine," Kurt said, feeling his hands curl into fists, the nails
biting into his skin. He knew he wouldn't break it, he never did that, stuff
like that only happened in books. But it felt good, the sharp pain helping him
to keep his inside from turning upside down.
Blaine shifted but got off the bed, moving to the door slowly, sending Kurt
pleading looks.
"I'm really sorry," he said before leaving. "I'll… I'll call you tomorrow."
The door closed behind him and Kurt was alone. And finally he could let go,
letting the cold wash over him and let the tears flow.
===============================================================================
An hour later Kurt was lying on his bed, feeling empty. He'd cried for a while
and since then he'd just been lying still, staring at the ceiling.
He knew the feeling, knew what it meant, what it preceeded, but right now he
was still in the state where he couldn't bring himself to move.
The cold was leaving his body slowly, leaving behind an ache Kurt always
associated with frostbite – dull and throbbing at one moment, numb at the
other.
After a few more minutes he leaned over and opened his nightstand, pulling out
a small bag.
It was clearly handmade, soft red and black velvet, closed with a green cord.
Kurt held it in his hand for a while. His mother had made it, giving it to him
for "all his dreams that would need a place to stay". If she knew what he used
it for now, she'd be so sad…
He knew his father had gone to the shop or he would have come in as soon as
Blaine left. Finn was out, and Carole must be, too. He was alone.
He rolled onto his stomach and spilled the bag on his pillow. Two razorblades,
a small nail file, some tissues – one littered with dried drops of blood – and
a small mirror.
Kurt looked at each item for a long time, before picking up the nail file.
Calmly he moved out of his pants, letting them drop to the ground, and sat up,
his feet hitting the floor.
He lifted the hand with the file, not even thinking about it, and drove it down
onto his leg, not hard enough to break the skin, but it hurt nonetheless.
Kurt gasped, looking at his leg and the little mark he'd left behind. Then he
did it again. And again. And again.
When his arm grew tired and there was still no blood, he reached for one of the
blades instinctively, wanting, needing, to feel more. To seethe cold leaving
him.
The moment his fingers picked up the blade, his phone rang.
===============================================================================
Kurt hesitated and reached for it with his free hand.
Sebastian, it read and suddenly the cold was replaced by another feeling
altogether, one Kurt couldn't name right that moment. He opened his hand and
the blade fell on the ground at the same moment he hit "answer".
"Kurt," Sebastian said as soon as he picked up. "Blaine called me. I didn't
really get what he was saying, but… I'm on my way to your house right now. If
you don't want me there, tell me now."
Kurt opened his mouth, speechless for a moment. He didn't know what he was
about to say before a sob broke from his chest.
"Seb," he gasped, staring at the blade on the ground in horror. "Help me."
***** Would you? *****
Kurt knew that it would take Sebastian a bit before he arrived. He stared at
the nail file again, then at his blade.
He moved slowly, as if he was under water. He moved back into his pants, still
not ready to let Sebastian see him half naked – or his scars. He applied more
make up to his face and then he put everything back into the bag and dropped it
into his nightstand, closing it with a soft click.
At last he sat down on his bed, hands in his lap, waiting.
Blaine had called Sebastian. Why? To ask him if Kurt had told the truth? To ask
him why they had been together? Kurt knew that Sebastian would never tell
Blaine – it was their secret, no one else's. But still. What had Blaine said to
Sebastian? And why had Sebastian decided it must have been bad enough to get
him to come over right away?
Kurt stared at his reflection in his mirror. Why had he stopped as soon as he
heard Sebastian's voice? What was it about the other boy that made him too…
self-conscious to hurt himself?
===============================================================================
About half an hour later, the doorbell ripped Kurt from his thoughts. He stood,
movements still slow and unsure, and went down to open the door.
Sebastian stood in front of him, looking frantic, his hair a mess and his
clothes…
"Are those sweatpants?" Kurt asked, blinking.
Sebastian looked down at himself, apparently just now noticing his state.
"Yes," he answered. "I was in the shower when Blaine called and just grabbed
the nearest stuff."
He looked back up, eyes roaming over Kurt, taking in his paleness and his red
eyes – things Blaine hadn't noticed at all.
"Let's go to your room," he said quietly and Kurt nodded, leading the way.
As soon as the door closed behind them, Sebastian drew Kurt into a surprisingly
gentle hug.
"Are you bleeding?" he asked, voice soft and Kurt shook his head, his hands
fisting Sebastian's shirt.
"Good," he continued. "I'm proud of you." He let go and looked at the brunette.
"Where does it hurt?"
Kurt drew a shuddery breath. "Everywhere," he managed before collapsing against
Sebastian again. "Blaine… he…"
===============================================================================
Sebastian nodded slowly and moved them so they could lie down on the bed, still
clinging to each other.
"He called me while he was driving," he explained. "Said he'd just been at your
house… Demanded to know what we talked about. He doesn't like that you're not
telling him what we talked about last night. And he wanted to know…" Sebastian
trailed off, not sure how to say it.
"He wanted to know if I cheated on him," Kurt finished quietly, head buried in
Sebastian's neck. "I know. I don't know why he doesn't trust me, but… We had a
fight," he changed the subject. "I didn't… I wasn't ready to sleep with him.
And he's angry with me. And he doesn't trust you. Nor me around you,
apparently."
Sebastian's fingers were stroking Kurt's hair without him even noticing it.
"I told him that you'd never cheat on him," he said, voice just as low as
Kurt's. "You're not the type to do it. I told him, that you're helping me out
with something personal and that it's not any of his business." He looked down
at Kurt. "Why don't you want to sleep with him?"
Kurt sighed. He could say he didn't want to talk about it and Sebastian
wouldn't pry, he knew that. But this wasn't part of their agreement. If he
wanted this to help, there could be no secrets between them.
===============================================================================
"I told you about the last time I hurt myself," he said quietly and felt
Sebastian nod. "You insulted me and I said such horrible things to you… it made
me sick. So I ended up with my fingers down my throat," he started. "Then we
went to Scandalsand Blaine… He tried to get me to sleep with him in the
backseat of my car and we had a huge fight. I don't remember much after it –
just that, when I looked around, I was in my room and my legs were bleeding.
And then…" He took a deep breath. "I was so scared to lose him to you. I don't
have the best self-esteem… And at opening night, I basically told him I wanted
to sleep with him."
He shook his head on Sebastian's chest. "I wasn't ready. By then we hadn't even
touched each other without clothes. And suddenly we ended up at his house and…
The only thing I could think about the next day was how glad I was that I'd
topped him and not the other way 'round."
He chuckled weakly. "And since then I haven't let him touch me. When he was
here earlier, he wanted… he said he wanted to fuck me. And I got so scared… And
then he got angry because I can't tell him the truth, can I? And he… He ended
up saying something pretty mean. He's sorry, he didn't mean it, but I still
threw him out. And I ended up hurting myself. Not much, but… More than I wanted
to."
Sebastian hadn't said a word through all this, just continued to stroke Kurt's
head.
===============================================================================
"I'm sorry," he said finally. "I'm sorry that I made you feel like you had to
do all that. I never… I don't think, usually, before I speak. I'm used to only
think about myself."
He moved them a bit so he could look into Kurt's eyes. "I wish I could take it
all back," he continued. "I wish you wouldn't have felt so threatened by me to
give up yourself when you weren't ready. And I wish Blaine was someone you
could be more honest with, someone you can trust."
Kurt breathed in sharply as he stared into Sebastian's eyes, so close to his
own.
What would it be like to kiss him? his mind asked and he pressed his lips
together. Then he took in the meaning of Sebastian's words. "You think I don't
trust him?" he asked shakily.
"If you did, you would have been honest with him," Sebastian answered. "But you
think you can't do that, because you might lose him. Or that he wouldn't
understand you. No, I don't think you trust him."
Kurt looked back down – stop thinking about kissing him, you're with Blaine!
–and thought about it. "Maybe you're right," he said after a moment. "Maybe I
really don't trust him. But… we've been together for a year. If I don't trust
him now, will I ever?"
Sebastian couldn't answer that but Kurt didn't expect him to.
"When I called Blaine, he waited for me to tell him that I cheated with you,"
Kurt said then. "That he thought about me like that… it made me sick. I threw
up and didn't even need to work for it. Then I burned myself in the shower and
cried so much I had to use make up. After he left, I drove a nail file into my
leg, and when you called I was just about to cut myself. And I cried some more.
You noticed it right away, even though I had covered it up.
If… if Blaine makes me feel like that and doesn't even notice… What does it say
about our relationship?"
Sebastian thought about that. "I'm not sure," he answered honestly. "I would
want a relationship without secrets, without lies. I wouldn't want to be with
someone who can't see what's right in front of them. But you're not me, Kurt.
You need to decide this on your own."
Kurt sat up, looking down at Sebastian, his face blank. "If you were me… would
you break up with him?"
Sebastian didn't have to think about that. "Yes. If it were me, the second I
felt I had to hurt myself because of him… I would break up with him."
***** Honesty *****
Sebastian left a few hours later, before Burt came back from work and could
wonder why he was there again.
He and Kurt hadn't talked much more, just rested on the bed, never losing
contact, and finally falling asleep.
The urge to hurt himself was gone for now, even after Sebastian left.
But Kurt knew by now that it was only a matter of time until it came back with
the rate he was going.
He had to make a decision, and soon.
Breaking up with Blaine would be hard.
He'd never be able to give him a real reason, not without exposing himself
completely. That meant he'd end up being the bad guy and be judged for it; by
his friends, maybe even his family.
He couldn't change schools again, nor did he want to. It might be that Blaine
would leave McKinley instead, leaving them before Nationals.
No,Kurt thought, he wouldn't do that. He loves the attention too much.
So, Glee Club would end up pretty awkward probably, but they'd survived a lot
more nasty break ups in the past and they'd survive this one, too. It was
nothing Kurt couldn't handle.
Hell, Santana, Sam and maybe even Tina and Mike could end up on his side if he
judged them correctly. And now he had Sebastian, too…
Kurt blushed at the thought of his former rival who, after just a week, was
already closer to him than most of his friends.
But if he broke up with Blaine now, people would surly assume he was cheating
on him with Sebastian.
Kurt bit his lip. He remembered how hurt he'd been last year, when his friends
accused him of cheating with Sam. If it happened again…
He shook his head. If his friends really believed it they didn't know him. He
shouldn't base his decision on them, only on himself.
If he stayed with Blaine, he might end up hurting himself again. It wasn't just
because of Sebastian, the other boy had just ended up being the catalyst.
Being with Blaine hurt Kurt. He wasn't the same, strong person he'd been before
they started dating. He felt inferior whenever they were together and that led
to Kurt hurting himself.
Kurt sighed. Most important was the fact that he wasn't sure if he still loved
Blaine. Even the first time he'd said it was more out of surprise than real
feeling and by now he could barely form the words. Especially ever since the
night at Scandals.
With another deep sigh Kurt realized that he had already made a decision.
Now he just needed to decide how to act on it.
===============================================================================
"Dad? Can I talk to you?"
Burt turned away from the TV and looked at his son who'd just come down the
stairs, wringing his hands nervously.
Burt frowned but nodded, shutting off the TV before motioning to the place on
the couch beside him.
Carole, Finn and Sam weren't home yet and Burt was pretty sure that Kurt had
timed it like this.
"What's going on, kid?" he asked after Kurt sat down. He seemed to think about
what to say but in the end just sighed.
"I'm gonna break up with Blaine," he said and, okay, not what Burt had been
expecting.
"Okay," he tried, carefully. "Why? Did he do something?"
Kurt shook his head before Burt could even think about getting angry at the
thought.
"No," Kurt denied. "Not… I mean. Not like that."
He looked down at his hands. He had thought about how to tell his Dad about all
this but in the end it came down to just one thing, he guessed: Being honest.
===============================================================================
"Dad," he started, slowly. "I… There are some things I never told you."
Burt felt a flutter of fear at this. He knew Kurt always tried to spare him too
much worry so he wasn't sure what he had to expect right now.
"When I got… sick in Middle School," Kurt continued, "it wasn't just the
Bulimia."
He looked up at Burt then, his eyes watery. "I started to hurt myself, Dad."
Burt's breath caught in his throat and his eyes widened. A string of nonononono
whirled through his head. Not his little boy… Please, no….
"What?" he croaked out and Kurt scooted closer, desperately trying to calm him
down. "Nothing bad, Dad," he said urgently. "I didn't try to… I mean, I
didn't…" He looked away. "I wasn't trying to leave you, Dad."
Burt felt his eyes burning and knew he was going to cry. He reached out and
pulled Kurt close, hugging him as if he might disappear.
"I'm sorry," he gasped out. "I'm sorry I didn't notice… Oh god, Kurt!"
They sat there for a while, hugging each other, and both crying. Kurt felt so
guilty. He hadn't wanted to upset his Dad, but what Sebastian had said about
trust had gotten to him. It was time to trust his Dad, even if he could trust
barely anyone else in his life.
===============================================================================
Eventually, he pulled back from the embrace and wiped his eyes, reaching for
the box of tissues on the table, handing one to Burt.
"I'm sorry, too," Kurt said after drying his face. "I never wanted you to find
out… But… Sebastian said some stuff and I think… I think you deserve to know."
He smiled a bit. "You're my Dad. I shouldn't hide stuff like this from you,
even though I don't want to worry you. I'm sorry."
Burt shook his head and took a deep breath. "No. I'm sorry. I should have
noticed, I should have paid better attention."
He returned Kurt's smile. "We're both not perfect, Kurt. There'll always be
some rough patches, but we managed until now and we'll continue doing so. I'm
glad you told me about it. So. What does it have to do with you breaking up
with Blaine?"
Kurt felt relieved about his Dad's reaction. He should have known he would
support him.
"I've been better," he tried to explain. "I've stopped hurting myself so much.
But… Since I've been with Blaine… I don't feel like myself anymore. As if I'm…
Turning into this spineless boy who's not sure what to do in life without his
boyfriend. And… Well. To be honest, when Sebastian came into the picture, I
really felt threatened by him. I…"
He shut his eyes for a moment and Burt grew anxious again. "What happened?" he
asked quietly.
Kurt looked at him once more. "Remember the talk we had last year?" he asked,
smiling a bit. "About how I matter?"
Burt dreaded the outcome of this conversation, oh god, so much. "Yeah," he said
anyway, waiting for Kurt to continue.
The boy shrugged uncomfortably. "Well… I thought I'd lose Blaine. So I… I did
something I wasn't ready for. It's not his fault," he hurried to add at Burt's
expression. "It was my decision, but it ruined this relationship for me. I
don't… I don't think I love him anymore, Dad. And with Sebastian in the picture
now, too… I just… I can't tell Blaine about what happened to me. I just can't.
I don't want him to know. And with a secret like this – plus the fact that I
won't sleep with him anymore but can't tell him why because he wouldn't
understand – it's just too exhausting. I can't stay in a relationship that
makes me want to…"
He broke off but Burt understood.
"You're hurting yourself because of him," he said, nodding slowly. "Not because
he's doing anything, but because of what he makes you feel about yourself."
Kurt nodded, feeling relief flood him. His Dad understood him.
"Yes," he whispered. "Sebastian, he… He understands, because he's the same as
me, in some aspects. We're trying to help each other. I'm not in love with
him," he added, at Burt's frown. "I just… I guess we need each other right now.
And he made me realize what I'm doing to myself and would continue to do if I
stayed with Blaine."
===============================================================================
Burt let all of this work through his mind. After he overcame the panic at the
though of his son hurting himself – and how did he do that, anyway? What kind
of damage were they talking about here? – and the acknowledgment that he
couldn't really blame Blaine for it, he finally nodded.
"I understand," he declared and pulled Kurt close again. "I'm fully behind you,
buddy; you need to do whatever's best for you."
He pushed him back to look into his face. "But," he added. "Even though I guess
that Sebastian is actually helping you, I want you to see Jenna again."
Kurt remembered Dr. Jenna Williams. She'd been his therapist for a year as he
was fighting off the Bulimia but he'd never been completely honest with her –
not even she knew about the cutting. She was a nice lady, though, and after
telling his Dad the truth he didn't really have any reason to not see her
again.
"Yes," he agreed. "We can make an appointment tomorrow. I think it might be
good for me… Seeing her and talk about all this before school's over and I go
to New York."
He and Burt smiled at each other and Kurt stood up.
"I'll go to talk to Blaine now," he declared. "No sense in delaying the whole
thing, right?"
Burt nodded and hugged him once more.
"I'm proud of you," he said softly. "For telling me the truth."
Warmth blossomed in Kurt's chest and didn't leave him until he reached Blaine's
house an hour later.
***** Break Up *****
Kurt took a few deep breaths, sitting outside of Blaine's house, before
managing to get out of the car and walk up to the door.
Mr. Anderson opened a moment later, his face morphing into the familiar scowl
as he saw Kurt.
"Blaine's upstairs," he said simply before walking away again. Kurt shuddered.
One of the plus sides of the break up would definitely be that he wouldn't have
to see Blaine's disapproving parents anymore.
He took off his shoes and climbed upstairs, knocking on Blaine's door shortly
after.
===============================================================================
The music from inside cut off and Blaine opened, looking surprised at Kurt's
arrival.
"Kurt," he exclaimed. "I didn't expect you. You didn't call…"
Kurt nodded, feeling uncomfortable. "I know, sorry. I just… I need to talk to
you."
They moved into the room, Blaine sitting down on his bed and Kurt on the desk
chair which put a frown on Blaine's face.
"About what?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Did you sleep with
Sebastian after all?"
Kurt's mouth dropped open and he stared at Blaine in shock. "What? No!" he
cried, standing up. "Why would you even… Howcan you think I would do that?"
Blaine shrugged, still frowning but Kurt thought – hoped – that he could see
some guilt in his eyes. "Well, you and him seem to be around each other a lot
lately. And he seems very protective of you…"
Kurt just shook his head. "I don't believe this," he muttered, feeling the cold
creep up to him once more. "That you actually think I'd do something like this…
You know what, I don't care."
He balled his hands and moved a step closer to the door. "You believe whatever
you want. I didn't cheat on you, but if you don't want to believe me and think
so little of me, fine. It doesn't matter anyway. People will always believe
what they want."
Blaine stood up now, too. "What the hell do you want to talk about then, Kurt?"
he asked, lowering his hands. "What do you have to tell me?"
Kurt scoffed. "Well, actually, I didcome here to break up with you," he said
with much more cruelty than he had intended. Blaine's face fell but Kurt kept
going. "I wanted to tell you all the nice reasons why this relationship won't
work anymore, but seeing that you've apparently already made up your mind about
me, I don't care anymore."
Blaine shook his head slowly and reached out for Kurt, heartbreak evident on
his face. "N-no… Kurt, please! Don't just… You can't dothat, not like this,
please! Explain to me why you want to break us up."
Kurt crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, if you really want to know,
because I don't love you," he said and briefly wondered why he was so mean. But
then he felt the cold in his chest and remembered: He had to protect himself so
he could get out of here without breaking down.
"Because being with you hurts me," he continued, trying to ignore the tears
that welled up in Blaine's eyes. "I wasn't ready to sleep with you and did it
anyway and I regret it. I can't stay with you, not like this, so I'm leaving
before it's too late."
He sighed and let his arms fall, trying to relax. "Look, Blaine," he said,
scratching his neck as he saw the other boy starting to cry. "I'm sorry," he
tried again. "I really didn't want to say it like this… But it's the truth. It
has nothing to do with Sebastian, except for the fact that he's helping me with
some stuff and I'm helping him."
"What kind of stuff?" Blaine asked quietly.
Kurt shook his head. "I can't tell you that, it's personal," he said and Blaine
bit his lip.
"Weren't you and me as personal as it gets?" he asked, sounding angry now. "Why
can't you tell me what you need help with? I could have helped you, too. Why do
you need to go to him?"
Kurt sighed again. "Because you wouldn't understand it," he said simply. "And
because I know that, I never told you. It doesn't matter, Blaine. It just made
me realize that being in this relationship isn't good for me. It's not your
fault, it's just the way it is. I'm sorry, Blaine," he added, his voice softer
now. "I care a lot about you. But I have to think about myself first."
He breathed deeply and turned around to the door, ready to go.
===============================================================================
"I transferred schools for you," Blaine mumbled behind him and he turned back,
not believing what he'd just heard. "I transferred to that… hell hole to be
with you, and now you're just gonna leave me?"
Blaine's hazel eyes were burning with anger and he took a step closer to Kurt
who felt the cold give way to fear.
"You said you didn't do it for me," he tried to reason with the other boy who
snorted. "Oh, please, Kurt. Of course I did it for you, to make you happy. I
can't believe you're just gonna ignore that."
Kurt shook his head. "I'm not," he said, trying to stay calm. "But you also
tried to force me into having sex in your car and then got angry when I didn't
want to let you. So excuse me when I think your romantic gestures are lacking!"
Blaine froze and his eyes clouded over. "Get out," he said coldly. "I'll
continue to work with you in Glee club but aside from that, I really don't want
to have anything to do with you."
Kurt shrugged. "Me too, so I'm sure we're gonna manage," he bit out and left,
closing the door behind himself.
===============================================================================
He leaned against the wood for a second to calm his breathing and then went
downstairs, leaving the house without saying goodbye to Blaine's parents.
He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to Sebastian: Broke up with
Blaine. Can I come over tomorrow?
He then wrote another to Tina, knowing she would be open enough to hear about
his reasons before running off to tell the others: Broke up with Blaine just
now. Ice cream? Mike's invited, too.
The affirmitive came immediately and he got back in the car. He knew that Mike
would understand him – he'd noticed his reaction to Dave's suicide attempt and
figured there was some understanding there.
He got Sebastian's answer as he was standing at a red light: Sure. You can come
over now, too, if you want. You okay?
Kurt smiled. Yeahhe texted back. I'm good. Seeing Tina tonight, have to do
damage control with the Glee Club. I'll be over around noon?
He read Sebastian's Okay, see you then. I'm proud of youwhen he reached Tina's
house and smiled at the warm feeling in his chest, chasing out the cold. He
knew, with Sebastian's help he'd definitely be okay.
***** Wanting *****
Kurt always knew that he could count on Tina. And Mike, too.
When he arrived at Tina's house, they had already prepared the ice cream –
Kurt's favorite – and were ready to lie down on Tina's bed, Kurt in the middle.
Mike never seemed uncomfortable, snuggling into his side, lying just as close
as Tina did on his other.
Kurt was so grateful he could have cried.
Instead he slowly told them about the break up. Not everything, of course, but
more than he'd told any other of his friends except for Sebastian.
After listening to him, Mike confirmed that Kurt had changed lately and not
really to his best and Tina nodded along.
"As long as you're happy," she said, hugging him, "we're gonna be with you. You
do what's right for you."
Mike squeezed Kurt's arm and smiled at him. "So, you and Sebastian… Are you
gonna be more?"
Kurt blushed. "Uhm, no. We're just friends, really… He's not the relationship
type and I don't think I'm up for it right now."
Mike grinned. "Yeah, well, doesn't mean you can't let loose sometimes together,
right?"
Kurt's blush grew and the couple laughed. "Well, anyway," Tina said. "Don't
worry about the rest of the club. We've got your back and I'm sure Sam will,
too. And if they say anything, just ignore them. You know we have our fair
share of drama, it will blow over."
On that note they had ended that train of thought and moved on to watch a
movie, happily devouring their ice cream.
===============================================================================
When Kurt came home a few hours later, he talked to Sam and Finn, not wanting
them to find out about all this in Glee on Monday. Sam, of course, supported
him in every way and Finn did, too, after a bit more of explaining.
They still didn't know about the Bulimia, or his scars, but that was okay. They
realized Kurt was happier without Blaine and accepted it and that was the
important part.
When Kurt went to bed a while later he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
===============================================================================
Kurt lay in bed for a while after he woke up the next morning. He could barely
believe it had been only a week since he'd confronted Sebastian.
It felt like they'd been talking for years already.
He also wondered why he felt so calm. He'd just ended his first relationship,
would probably have to explain a lot to his friends, maybe even lose a few of
them over this.
He had told his Dad more about his problems than ever and agreed to go to
therapy again.
And above all that… He knew what he'd do today, if Sebastian asked him to. He
felt ready.
Kurt shook his head with a smile and got up, heading to the bathroom.
Yes, a lot had changed in the last week. But he also hadn't felt this good
about himself and his life in ages.
After breakfast with his family – and yes, he counted Sam into that, too – Kurt
made sure his Dad knew that he'd spend the day with Sebastian and went to his
car. Burt was still very upset about the whole thing, understandably, and felt
overprotective but Kurt didn't mind. It felt nice, actually, at least for now.
===============================================================================
He arrived at Sebastian's house and, as always, wondered about the empty drive
way.
"Are your parents never home?" he asked right after Sebastian opened the door
and the other boy shrugged.
"Mom's back in Paris," he answered, leading the way to his bedroom. "Dad's at
work. He doesn't really care that it's Sunday. And it doesn't matter, anyway; I
mean, you're not here for my Dad, are you?"
He smirked at that and Kurt laughed. "Certainly not," he agreed as they entered
the room and sat down on Sebastian's bed, their thighs touching.
For a while they didn't speak, just sat there in silence.
Then Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Okay, this is getting ridiculous," he
grimaced. "Tell me what happened yesterday."
Kurt shrugged and let himself fall backwards so he was lying on the bed with
his legs dangling off it. "I went to see him, told him I need to break up with
him… Said it's because I'm not happy and don't love him anymore. We both got
angry, he accused me of cheating with you – that was actually the first thing
he said – and I said some mean stuff I didn't really wanted to say… In the end
he threw me out."
Sebastian fell on his back, too, so their sides were touching completely,
shoulder to knees. "How do you feel about that?" he asked and Kurt shrugged
again.
"I talked with Tina and Mike, they're gonna be on my side if the Glee club
decides to pry into my private life. They love to do that. Sam and Finn
understood, too, eventually…"
A smile appeared on his lips. "I also told my Dad the truth."
Sebastian blinked and rolled over so he was on his side, looming over Kurt a
bit. "Seriously?"
Kurt nodded. "Yeah… Well, I told him that the Bulimia wasn't the only thing…
And that Blaine is kinda making me worse. We agreed that I'd go back to
therapy. I think… I'm pretty sure I did the right thing."
He sounded hesitant at the end and Sebastian moved a bit more so he could look
directly into Kurt's eyes. Their faces were very close to each other now.
"Yes," Sebastian said, his voice softer now. "You did good. I'm proud of you."
Kurt's smile grew. "You say that a lot. I like it."
Sebastian returned the smile. "Well. It's true."
===============================================================================
They looked at each other for a moment longer and then Sebastian bent down,
slowly, waiting for Kurt to push him away. When he didn't, he pressed their
lips together, softly, without much pressure.
Kurt's lips twitched and he moved his head a bit to align their mouthes better,
fitting his bottom lip between Sebastian's.
A sigh escaped him, lost in their kiss which stayed slow and gentle for a few
minutes.
When they pulled apart, Sebastian moved one leg over Kurt, straddling him. He
leaned forward onto his elbows so he could continue looking into Kurt's eyes.
"Do you want this?" he asked, his voice more careful than ever before and his
eyes a vivid, but comforting green.
Kurt didn't hesitated and nodded, putting his hands on Sebastian's shoulders.
"Yes," he answered. "You make me feel good. I want it."
"Good," Sebastian said and smiled again. "Me too. You make me feel better than
I've felt in years. I want more of it."
He bent back down to kiss Kurt again, more forcefully this time. He swept his
tongue over Kurt's bottom lip and the brunette opened his mouth, sucking it in.
Sebastian groaned lowly as he moved their tongues together in a slick slide,
panting into Kurt's mouth.
===============================================================================
„You don't love me," Kurt pointed out quietly after they broke the kiss the
next time and Sebastian's hands stilled where they had started to unbutton
Kurt's shirt.
He looked into the eyes of the boy underneath him. "No," he said his face blank
but his eyes still the same comforting green. "But you don't love me either."
Kurt smiled at that, his soft smile, that only belonged to Sebastian now. "No,"
he agreed.
Sebastian smiled back and continued to unbutton his shirt. "But do you trust
me?"
Kurt thought about that for only a second and then reached down to open his
pants. "Yes," he answered, calmly, pulling down the zipper while Sebastian
watched.
***** Trust *****
„Wait," Sebastian said and Kurt's face fell at the pressure of hands on his,
stopping him from opening his pants and pushing them down.
Sebastian smiles slighty. "Not like that, idiot," he sighed fondly and pushed
Kurt's hands away. "Let me do it."
Oh. Okay. Kurt could live with that. He returned the smile, feeling nervousness
creeping up on him, but let Sebastian do the rest.
Soon he was naked on the bed, feeling a little on display, as Sebastian looked
him up and down. "Move a bit higher, yeah?"
Kurt nodded and moved until he was lying completely on the bed, head on the
pillows and Sebastian followed him, slipping between his legs.
Kurt was overly conscious of the way his half-hard cock was resting there but
Sebastian didn't even seem to look at it. His attention was elsewhere.
===============================================================================
Sebastian's eyes roamed over the scars on Kurt's legs, in and out, creating
patterns that could be random or could creat words if he looked at them long
enough and he wondered how Blaine never saw them. Then again, Kurt said they've
only had sex once and if he stayed clothed all the other times or covered them
up… Sebastian shook his head. Not the right time to think of Blaine.
"Uhm," Kurt started and Sebastian held up a hand, shushing him, before he
lifted one of Kurt's legs. Kurt squeaked and scrambled a bit but ended in a
shudder when Sebastian started to mouth alongside his inner thigh, dragging his
tongue over the scars there.
===============================================================================
"Oh god," he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and fisting the sheets. "What are
you doing?"
Sebastian didn't answer but continued to mouth and lick and kiss the scars
before letting go of the leg and moving on to the other.
"You're an artist," he murmured. "I don't like the canvas you use, but the
thing you created… It's utterly beautiful."
Kurt whined low in his throat and felt his cock harden even more.
"Bas," he moaned. "Please… I-I need…" He trailed off, not sure what he wanted
to say.
Sebastian chuckled, sending shivers all over Kurt's body. "Yeah, don't worry.
I'll make you feel good."
Kurt shuddered again and opened his eyes. His legs fell down and he stared at
Sebastian, kneeling between his thighs, looking down on him, taking him in.
"I… I don't think… I don't want… Can we…" Kurt trailed off with a curse and
took a deep breath, looking Sebastian in the eyes. "I don't want to have sex,"
he said, voice wavering slightly. "Not yet, I mean. I'm not ready."
Sebastian's face morphed from confusion to a warm smile and he moved so he was
covering Kurt with his whole body, his elbows at his head. "I know," he
whispered, warm breath hitting Kurt's face. "Don't worry. I won't do anything
you don't want me to."
They kissed again and it was slow and deep and left Kurt a quivering mess under
the other boy.
===============================================================================
"C-can you," Kurt gasped out and moved his hands over Sebastian's shirt and
jeans. "Take these off?"
Sebastian nodded and moved his hands down, opening and pushing his pants down
quickly after taking off his shirt. When he was naked, Kurt propped himself up
on his elbows and just looked at him.
"You've got some really nice abs," he said absentmindedly and reached out,
tracing them.
Sebastian sucked in a breath but didn't answer, letting Kurt's hand explore his
stomach, his chest and then trailing lower.
"Can I…"
Sebastian chuckled. "You can touch me all you want, Kurt," he smiled. "As much
as you're comforta-ahhhh, fuck!" He ended in a low moan as Kurt's hand wrapped
around his cock and started stroking him.
Kurt smirked up at him. "Definitely comfortable with this," he grinned and
Sebastian shook his head, moaning again.
"Wait a second," he groaned, batting Kurt's hand away and leaning down again.
"How about," he muttered, "I suck you off for a bit… And then I jerk us off
together? Would you be okay with that?"
Kurt shivered and his eyes darkened. "Yeah… Yeah, totally okay," he nodded
eagerly and Sebastian snorted before reaching to his nightstand for some lube.
"Gonna need that later," he explained, dropped it on the bed and then moved
down until he was eye-leve with Kurt's cock again. "Put your hand on my head –
yeah, like that. And if you want to thrust up, you can, just not too much,
okay?"
Kurt nodded again and threw his head back as Sebastian took his cock almost
completely into his mouth right away.
"Oh god, Bas," he cried out, fisting Sebastian's hair tightly and shuddering.
"God, fuck… Don't stop, please…"
Sebastian hummed around Kurt's cock and moved his head up to lick at the head
before going back down. He repeated the motion for a while, going slowly, until
he felt Kurt's hips thrust upward. He took his cock in as deep as he could
without choking and sucked around it, making Kurt cry out again.
He felt his own cock harden at the sounds Kurt made and he knew it wouldn't
take long for him to come when he started touching himself.
Just a few moments later, Kurt started to pull at his hair frantically which
just made Sebastian shiver. "You have to – ah – to stop, Bas," Kurt pleaded.
"I'm too close… Fuck…"
Sebastian pulled off with a lewd sound and smirked at Kurt who looked back with
his cheeks flushed and panting heavily.
===============================================================================
"Still good?" Sebastian asked as he moved up Kurt's body. The other boy didn't
answer, instead pulled him into a filthy kiss, groaning at the taste of himself
on Sebastian's tongue.
"Please," he whimpered. "Do what you said you would, please, I need you to,
please…"
Sebastian kissed his cheek and jaw while reaching for the lube. "Of course,
baby," he muttered, squeezing some onto his hand and repositioning himself.
He reached down, circling his hand around both their cocks.
Both boys groaned loudly and started rocking against each other, in and out of
the tight channel of Sebastian's hand.
They soon found a rhythm, even though it was frantic and messy.
Kurt put his hands on Sebastian's shoulders and pulled him down so they were
flush against each other. That made their movements slower but added another
way of friction from their stomachs.
They kissed messily, more or less just panting into each other's mouth and
occassionally licking into it or biting a lip while Sebastian brought them
closer to their climax.
"So close," Kurt whimpered, locking his legs around Sebastian's waist. "So, so
close, g-gonna – oh god, Bas…"
Sebastian grunted in reply and twisted his hand on the upstroke, sliding his
finger over the slit of Kurt's cock.
This apparently did it because the brunette came with a loud cry, clinging to
Sebastian with all his might, spilling hotly between them.
It took Sebastian only a few more strokes before he came, too, leaving Kurt
whining at the oversensitivity.
Sebastian collapsed fully onto Kurt, letting go of both their cocks and panting
heavily as he burrowed his face into Kurt's neck.
"So good," he murmured and Kurt made an affirmative noise before pushing him a
little. "You're heavy," he complained and Sebastian laughed, rolling off him
and onto his back.
They looked at the ceiling for a moment, not saying anything, but tangling
their fingers together on the bed.
===============================================================================
"We're not in a relationship," Kurt finally said and Sebastian cracked a smile.
"No, we aren't," he agreed, squeezing Kurt's hand.
"But," the brunette continued, "I'd… I'd like to do this again. If you want
to."
Sebastian didn't miss the note of hesitation in Kurt's voice and moved his head
so he could look into Kurt's face while his hand moved down to stroke over
Kurt's scars lightly. "I want to," he assured him. "And, I mean… Yeah, we're
not in a relationship now and that would be way too early for you anyway, but…
Never say never, right?" He smiled again. "Did I tell you that I'm going to New
York in the fall, too?"
Kurt's eyes widened and he turned his head, too. "Seriously? I thought you were
a Junior."
Sebastian shook his head. "Nope. Senior. So… I mean, I really hope we stay in
contact when we both live there. And, you know… Maybe? If you're ready… I could
take you out on a real date at some point."
Kurt's face broke out into a smile. "Yeah," he nodded and reached out with his
own hand, tracing the scars on Sebastian's arm closest to him. "Sounds like a
plan."
***** Epilogue *****
Chapter Notes
     This worked out a lot different than I thought when I started it.
     Hope you guys liked it.
They will continue to work like this all through the rest of Senior Year and
the coming summer.
Sebastian will surprise Kurt with coming to see them at Nationals and even
congratulate the whole group on their win (after that he'll pull Kurt into a
corner, press one hand over his scars on his right leg and the other on his
stomach and whisper "You looked amazing out there" before kissing him deeply).
They will both go to their respective graduation ceremonies, mouthing "You made
it!" to each other.
When Kurt comes to Sebastian with the letter from NYADA, the other boy will
hold him while he cries and then present him with the acceptance letter from
Parsons, where Sebastian had sent a late application to in Kurt's name.
Kurt will hold Sebastian's hand and squeeze tightly when they're standing in
the Smythe's living room and Sebastian tells his parents that he really doesn't
want to go to Paris for College but join Kurt in New York and even share an
apartment with him (and Kurt's fucking terrified because they look at him as if
he's a vulture, ruining their son's future and it'll need one night of very
slow and gentle sex to make sure that Kurt knows that Sebastian will stay with
him whatever they say).
They'll look for a two-bedroom apartment even though they (and Burt and Carole)
know they will only ever sleep in one of them, curled together, their own
private island against the cruel world outside of their home.
Sometimes Kurt will come home and see Sebastian in their bedroom, naked, ties
in his hands and Kurt will tie him to the bed and fuck him hard and merciless.
After, he'll hold Sebastian close while they talk about their days and just
like this the need for another scar is gone from Sebastian's face.
Sometimes Kurt will beg Sebastian to bite and mark him, something he normally
doesn't allow, and Sebastian will suck bruises into every patch of skin he can
reach – especially on his legs, over the scars, Kurt's legs over his shoulders
as he fucks into him slowly. After, he'll stand up and go get the make up to
cover every single one of them while Kurt smiles with his eyes closed.
Sometimes they will relapse, but they won't keep it secret from each other.
They will just hold on and try to be better the next time.
They will make friends, apart from each other and together, but they will never
look for something more because they have each other and it's perfect that way.
And some day, years later, they will go and buy a pair of identical rings and
get a marriage contract (for economical reasons, really - because they don't
need that to know what they feel for each other - but mostly because Burt nags
them every time they're in Lima and because they're deeply terrified of the
possibility that one of them ends up in the hospital and the other is not
allowed to visit).
===============================================================================
They'll never be "healed".
But they'll continue to get better.
And neither of them is alone ever again.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!