Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/4545303.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      D.Gray-man
  Relationship:
      Kanda_Yuu/Allen_Walker
  Character:
      Kanda_Yuu, Allen_Walker
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-08-10 Words: 4793
****** Shatter Me ******
by YaoiFanGirl1990
Summary
     Allen feels alone and a dark secret he carries is about to come out
     cause of Lavi. Can he escape to be alone or will his secret catch up
     to him?
This Story Belongs to YaoiFanGirl1990. No Stealing.
 
Shatter Me
 
I lay on my bed starring up at the ceiling above listening to the heavy rain
pelt outside against my window. Things have been quite boring, none of us have
been sent of any missions to search for innocence, but that’s probably because
everything has gone quiet and no rumors have been going around. Occasionally I
would be dragged into the world of dreams by Road and we’d surprisingly have a
normal conversation. The first few times we’d fight…well I’d do the fighting
and she’d just mess around with me pressing my buttons. I figured out the
reason everything is on hold was because most of the Noah’s were arguing
amongst themselves and were becoming decided. Road was really sad about her
family dividing and leaving her alone, I had told her I knew how she felt. It’s
been a month since the last time she had dragged me into that dream world. My
mind new the inevitable has happened and that Road was probably alone and sad.
Sitting up I hug my knees to me and let out a sigh, the Fourteenth went quiet a
year ago and I was slowly beginning to feel his presence less and less. Road
said something about that might happening. I wandered to myself if the battle
was coming to a peaceful end, not peaceful as a truce, but peaceful as in the
Earl is deciding to go quiet for an unknown state of time.
I burry my face into my legs listening to the thunder outside trying to shack
this overwhelming feeling of depression, but I tend to remind myself of how
alone I was now. Lenalee and Lavi have started to date, much to everyone’s
dismay when Komui sends a Sir Komlin after the red head. Usually I was the one
getting caught up in the mess and landing in the infirmary, but it was usually
my fault for always being caught up in my own thoughts and not paying attention
to my surroundings. That leads to another thing on my mind, the thought of him,
the days where I spend in the shadows just to watch him. Yu Kanda, one the most
perfect people that I knew and maybe one of the most hard to get along with as
well. There was another side of Kanda though, a side no one knew about and this
side of him I unfortunately knew about from always spying on him. His soft,
loving and kind side that no one has ever been given the chance to see; but I
have, I have seen it and if he knew he’d most likely kill me. When it’s late at
night or early morning when no one should be awake Kanda is out in the woods
back behind the order spending time with a family of wolves. He helps take care
of them, shows them affection, gives them that loving smile. He does things I
wish I could have. Love, something I haven’t been given since Mana died.
Lifting my head up I look out the window in time for a bolt of lightning to
light up my pitch black dark room. I jump at the sound of someone banging onto
my door loudly and just stare at the door with blank eyes before taking in a
silent big breath putting on that fake happy smile and happy eyes getting up
opening the door.
“Hey Allen….what’s u….Why are you sitting in dark?” Lavi asks his hyperness
immediately vanishing when he notices the light off in my room. I simply don’t
answer and vaguely look back into the room not knowing it was a bad thing.
“Allen…are you alright? You’ve kind of distant as of late. It isn’t the
fourteenth is it?” He asks and I find myself looking back at him and just
shacking my head.
“No like I said in the last meeting, his presence is almost completely gone.
I’ll be old Allen soon.” I say closing the door behind me leaning against it as
I now stood out in the hallway. The Usagi kept starring into the room and it
just made me uncomfortable.
“You’re not cutting again are you?” He then asks and I just fall silent
starring down at my feet unmoving my eyes going blank once again. Lavi was one
of the very few I couldn’t lie to, especially the day when he found out.
“I never stopped to begin with Lavi, it’s not something I want to stop. I’m not
going to kill myself if you’re worried about that. It helps with the depression
and I would rather not talk about it cause I know how you get when we do. I
don’t want you yelling at me.” I explain and I find myself involuntarily
flinching when your hands presses down onto my shoulder. I know I just said
something stupid and I can’t look up knowing your visible green eye would be
full of disappointment.
“Allen…” He says his voice laced with anger and I knew the yelling was about to
come on, without thinking I get out of the grip on my shoulder and bolt down
the hallway ignoring the scream of my name. Thunder roared outside and the
lightning lit up the hallways. I hurry my careful steps down the stairs of the
order jumping the last few taking the back entrance into the woods feeling
myself immediately soaked from the pouring down rain. I guess Lavi had chased
me because I hear him screaming to come back, but I knew he’d go get someone
instead of running out in the ran after me. My legs stung from the pain running
so fast, my lungs burned from the need to stop and take a breather, but I
didn’t stop I kept going. I continued running until my foot snags onto and
uprooted tree root and I am sent into the muddy ground below me. Rolling over
onto my back I stare up at the dark sky above me the rain falling down around
me. I feel the mud get washed off of my face. After a moment I realize why Lavi
had asked if I had started cutting again. I was stupid to not throw on a jacket
to cover my arms before answering my bedroom door. I lifted my arm into the air
starring at the scars that lined up it clenching my teeth tight together hating
what they looked like but that only added more urge, that only poured more fuel
into my depression. Rolling back over I forced myself to my feet and began
walking again no destination in mind. I knew others would be coming and that
was the last thing I wanted, especially if Kanda was among them.
“Why am I such a fucking monster?! Why did all those people have to be right?!”
I growl to myself slumping against a tree when my legs begin shacking from over
use and I wrap my arms around myself to keep myself warm. The rain fell even
harder and the lightning ceased but the thunder didn’t. I realize though the
reason everything went black was from my eyes being closed.
“Moyashi!” My eyes snap open at the sound of the voice to the last person that
I wanted to see me.
“Thank god Kanda you found him!” Lavi’s voice soon followed and the fear in my
chest constricted and bolt of energy I had no idea where it came from coursed
through me and I began running again. Shouts of my name being heard once again
and I just wanted to get away from them, I wanted to disappear. I was a monster
and they should let the monster I was die out here in the storm. I didn’t know
where I was running to nor did I care. Fucking Lavi had to go and get you
Kanda, he for one knew of the crush I had one you and he for one knew you were
the last person I’d ever want to find out about my self-harming addiction. I
turn sharply on the trail I was one letting out a yelp when foot slipped over
the edge of the hill and I went tumbling and sliding down it landing in a large
puddle with a splash. Pained coursed through me completely and I forced myself
to quickly get back to my feet when I hear you yell out my name and I know you
are not far behind me. Of course you’d be close behind, you’re the only one
capable of keeping up with my speed. I cry out in pain and fall to the ground
my head connecting with a rock, a sheering pain shooting from ankle through my
leg. I lift my head up to see everything spinning but I refused to give up and
be caught. I only get up to my hands and knees, because when I try to plant my
feet on the ground they slip and I am laying face first in the ground. I roll
to my side curling up and bringing my arms to my chest trying to hide them. The
numb feeling finally appears and I can’t help as the tears fall mixing with the
rain.
“Baka Moyashi are you fucking mental?!” You scream at me pulling your jacket
off and wrapping me in it lifting me into your arms. Just like the perfect
person you are you easily get back up the hill where Lavi is waiting. I don’t
say anything and just stare up at the sky above us.
“His head is bleeding badly Kanda we need to get him back and to the
infirmary.” Lavi says as they begin to run back to The Black Order.
“No shit Baka Usagi, his ankle is probably broken to since he was unable to get
back up. What did you do to piss him off?!” Kanda snapped at the one eyed red
head who didn’t reply because we were already back to the order where people
had gathered at the door I had ran out of. I gripped onto Kanda’s jacket
tightly keeping it firmly wrapped around me; it was my only protection of
anyone seeing the scars. I was thankful for Kanda not lingering and answering
anyone’s questions and kept moving until we reached the infirmary where the
head nurse and Komui waited.
“Oh my Allen! Place him on the bed Kanda.” The elderly woman said motioning to
an empty bed. The moment you sat me down on it you attempted to take your
jacket but I subconsciously tightened my grip on it. My silvery white hair was
hiding my face as I kept it down.
“Allen…I need my jacket back.” You said in a warning tone and I feel myself
begin to shack as I draw my knees up to my chest ignoring the pain coursing
through my leg. I knew this was it, this was when you would find out and there
would never be chance for us, even though there never was one to begin with. I
wanted to hold onto the secret for as long as I could.
“Allen we need to assess the damage let the jacket go.” I heard Komui said red
began to blur the vision in my right eyes and I knew the bleeding in my head
was getting worst. I saw the sedation drug in Komui’s hand and I refused to
have myself go under the blackness of sedation. I finally released the jacket
but I kept my arm hidden from my knees drawn up.
“Allen cooperate or they will sedate you let us see all the damage!” You tell
me throwing your jacket to the floor somewhere and I couldn’t help the whimper
that escaped when I bit my lip feeling the hot tears course down my cheeks
again.
“It’s only my head and ankle!” I say the cracking of my voice from the sobs
that wanted to come out.
“Then why are you hiding your arm?” It was that moment I felt like hurting Lavi
when his voice broke through and I knew he knew damn well why.
“Lavi you’re not helping get out!” You yell at him but he didn’t move and I
knew this was what you meant when you first found out. When you told me to stop
or you’d force help upon me. The chocked sob finally breaks through as
everything is becoming dizzy from the blood lose.
“Why are you doing this to me Lavi? Why everything would have been fine you
left it alone like I told you to!” I cry feeling a wave of coldness rush
through me. Komui comes closer and I flinch away knowing what was about to
come. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to sleep.
“Kanda…hold him please.” He said sullenly and my eyes widen. The moment you
wrap your arms around me to hold me down I begin to immediately fight back the
fear of anyone seeing the scars far from my mind.
“Not the blackness….Not the blackness!!!” I scream out sobbing and trying to
get away from the needle as I dug my fingers into my hair which was cacking
with blood.
“Komui enough you’re fucking making it worst! Get that damn thing away from him
NOW!” You scream and I notice your hold around me wasn’t to restrain me but
protective. After a while I calm down and the head nurse finally is able to
stitch up my head you are forced from the room with Lavi and you two fight
before it went silent from Lenalee shouting at the two of you to stop. Komui
puts my ankle into a splint before wrapping it. In the fuss when I was about to
be put under I had subconsciously scratched open some of my scars. They were
out in the open and wrapped. No one said anything and I just sat there feeling
numb. Soon once Komui and the head nurse is gone Lenalee is the first to run
into the room latching her arms around me and I burry my face into her chest
unable to stop the sobs that broke through.
“He knows Allen, we all know.” Her words don’t help and I try to pull away from
her, I just wanted to run to my dark room. The only place I felt safe at while
in here I am exposed. Her hold only tightens around me holding me in place.
“We want to help you, but you need to let us. I know you’ll never trust Lavi
again for tonight, but you can trust Kanda and I.” She says before releasing me
and walking out.
“NO! You’ve done enough Lavi we’re going to go get Allen something to eat, you
are not to go near him for the next 24 hourse!” I hear her scream outside the
door and soon it’s silent again. I reach up rubbing the bandages over the crack
in my skull the aching feeling washing through me. After a moment I drop my
hand back into my lap and only sit there my breathing becoming fast, I didn’t
want to start crying again, but the feeling wouldn’t go away. My eyes widen
when arms snake around me and I feel dip in the bed from someone sitting next
to me.
“Why Moyashi? Why did you start doing it?” Your voice is calm and even as
always, perfect no faults in it.
“Since the time after the Ark.” I say quietly, I couldn’t tell him it was from
the fear of almost loosing you when we did. I feel your hand on my cheek wiping
the tears from my face.
“I didn’t ask when…I asked you why did you start? I know when you did it was
obvious you started.” You explain and I find myself biting my lip my head
beginning to look down but your fingers catch my chin forcing me to look up.
Our eyes locking with one another.
“When you vanished in the ark, I thought we lost you. I thought I’d never get
to see you again.” My voice comes out in a strained whisper. “I couldn’t take
the thought of loosing you.” I said breaking the eye contact and adverting my
eyes to starring into the bed covers.
“Funny I was thinking the same thing while chasing you tonight.” Suddenly I am
pulled into her arms again as you hold onto me as tightly as you can.
“You don’t want to be in here do you?” You ask and I can only nod my head and I
find myself slightly smiling back at the smirk that appeared on your face as
you pick me up into your arms and simply walked out ignoring Komui as you walk
past him and he tries to protest. When we reach your room you immediately lock
the door behind us and I know it’s because most likely Lenalee will try to
barge in when she finds out I’m not at the infirmary anymore. Laying me onto
the bed you climb over me towering over me. Your features so serious as you
watch me. Reaching up with my bandaged arm my fingers brush the soft skin of
your cheek and push past to your hair tie grabbing the soft white fabric
pulling it loose slowly till it freed your hair allowing it to cascade around
us like water. As your hair veils our faces from view your lips descend upon me
in a heated kiss and I find myself wrapping my arms around your neck as your
left arm snakes around my waist behind my back lifting me close to your chest.
You kiss my lips hungrily nipping at my bottom lip gently with your teeth
demanding for access for; which I grant you eagerly as our tongues plunge into
each other’s mouths fighting for dominance. I of course loose the battle.
We break apart and we just stare into each other’s eyes your free hand cups my
cheek as you rest your forehead upon mine your thumb gently rubbing against my
skin. I feel my breath speeding up slightly when you gently lay my back fully
back down onto the bed your hand pushing to under my gray cotton shirt your
fingers dancing along my skin. My face feels like it’s flushing as your head
descends down to where my neck and shoulder meet. I feel your tongue dance
along my skin as I let out a gasp when you begin licking up my neck in one long
stride pulling your tongue back into your hot mouth when you reach my ear, your
hot breath dancing along the skin when you take my ear lobe between your teeth
gently nipping on the skin. A moan escapes lips and I feel my hands move down
your chest covered by the skin tight muscle shirt. My hands freeze when they
reach your rock solid abdomen my breathing even heavier now. My mind racing
hoping that I am not in some dream that will only shatter my world when I wake
up from the cruel intentions; I let out a gasp and moan when your fingers
lightly flick the nub of my hardening nipple and your teeth release my ear
moving closer with your lips until your hot breath engulfs around my ear
entirely sending shivers through me.
“Don’t stop Mo-Ya-Shi.” You say enunciating each syllable to the nickname you
have given me.
“I don’t want this to be a dream.” I breath out heavily and I let out once
again another gasp when you pinch the nipple.
“Not a dream Moyashi.” You say playfully and once again your lips are upon me
and I welcome them my hands moving back down slipping under your shirt and
moving them over your waist to your back slightly running my nails over your
skin earning a moan from you as your other hands joins under my shirt beginning
to push it up exposing my skin to the cold air. I didn’t care, I wanted more.
You gently pull the shirt off of me careful of my head injury and I do the same
with your shirt. Both of us sat up as you are straddling me my head only
reaching to the middle of your chest starring into your eyes which starred at
me hungrily. I place each of my hands onto your flat well-toned stomach pushing
them up your chest up your neck as you begin to descend upon me again, my
fingers pushing into your hair as your lips meet my own, my back connecting
with the back of the couch again. Our lips move together as our tongues danced
the heated tango. Your hand moves down my side as your hips grind into me
causing my back to arch from the pleasured feeling coursing through me. Your
mouth pulls from mine with an almost silent pop a string of saliva still
connecting us until you begin to kiss down my neck nipping and sucking on the
skin you move off of me to the spot on the bed directly next to me our bodies
still touching. Your hand reaches the elastic band to my cotton sweat pants
your hand slipping inside and I let out a moan biting my lip feeling your hand
run down my hardening erection.
“K-Kanda.” I moan and I feel you smirk against the skin of my neck, your free
hand pulling one of my hands out from your hair signaling me on what you want.
Pushing myself close to you I run my hand down your now bare chest till I
reached the elastic band to your own sweat pants. Shyly pushing my hand inside
I feel myself shudder as you grab hold of my own slowly beginning to pump it.
“Mmmm…don’t stop…Moyashi.” You moan into my ear and my hand moves further down
at first down your leg with a feather like touch and I feel the shiver that
racks your body. Smirking and push all shyness out I use just my finger tip to
run up along your already hard length. You moan my nickname once more into my
ear and I grab onto your length also beginning to pump it. Our bodies moved
against each other as we would capture each other’s lips or you would bite down
onto my neck sucking on the skin. You soon pull your hand away just long enough
to remove my pants and boxers discarding them from the bed. I copy your
movements removing yours as well and I feel your smirk against my neck again. I
soon find myself straddling your lap ignoring the short pain that shot through
my ankle. Your one arm was wrapped around my waist while your other hand was
pushed into my hair gently holding me in place as our lips danced again. I know
you are reading my thoughts that I don’t care how much this first time hurts,
but you still don’t want to destroy me as I feel the cool sticky liquid of the
lube I had no idea where you grabbed from. You don’t take long to prepare me
and I find both of your hands on my hips pushing me down your full erect length
entering into me.
I throw my head back the wave of pleasure shooting through every one of my
limbs like the illuminating lightning outside. We begin to move together and I
let out pleasured noises I never thought I was capable of creating. I
hesitantly begin to bring up my cursed arm it slightly hovering by your face as
my lips hover inches above yours. Even with everything that has happened self-
consciousness reigns through me and I begin to drop my arm but your hand
catches it finishing the rest of the way to your cheek as your lips crush
against mine and the fingers of my other hand push into your hair.
“I don’t care anymore Allen, I want all of you cursed or not. Remember the both
of us are curse men. By the end of this I want to hear you screaming my name…My
given name.” Your deep voice says into my ear as your thrusts harden into me
and I let out a moan. He begins to speed up his thrusts and he lays me onto my
back and clutch onto him my hips moving with his.
“Kan…KAN….da!” I moan out loudly and you bite onto my neck and I know what
you’re trying to say. The entire time I have known you not once have I ever
really called you by your name.
“Hurry Allen…I’m getting close.” You say and I can barely control my breathing
when I hear you say my name. Everything is spinning and I feel you close and I
feel the overwhelming release inside me coming close.
“Kan…” I barely gasp out and soon a wave of pleasure is rushing through me from
how hard your thrusts are pounded into me. “….YU!” I scream out holding onto
you has hard as I could as I feel you release into me. Both of us are breathing
heavily as you slowly pull out of me but you hold a smirk on your face and I
could only tell that you weren’t done as you begin to kiss down my chest. Your
hands running along my sides as you reach my still erect length. I let out a
gaspy moan when I feel you take me completely into your mouth your hands
pushing my hips down to keep them from bucking. Your head moves slowly up my
length and I feel your tongue running up my length. I lifted my bandaged arm up
and bite onto my finger as another loud moan escaped me and you continue to
move your head sucking on me and licking up me.
“Yu…” I moan out my breathing becoming heavy once more a new feeling building
up inside. You don’t answer and just continue. My mind is blazing with non-
coherent thoughts as like before I feel the wave of pleasure once again
screaming out his name before completely collapsing against the bed. My face
was flushed and I lay there trying to even out my breathing as I begin to feel
the crisp cold air again. I climb up the bed beside me pulling me into your
arms and the covers over us. My head is rested on your chest over your heart
the sound of its beating lulling me to sleep. The only dream I have is the
farewell smiles of Road and the fourteenth before they vanished taking the last
of the presence of that forsaken Noah within me with them. In the morning I
feel the suns rays on my back slightly warming me. I feel myself still snuggled
into you, yours still surrounded around me protectively.
“Thank you…Kanda.” I whisper and your arms tighten around me and I know you’ve
been awake before me.
“For what Moyashi?” You ask and I just smile.
“For shattering the glass walls that had me trapped with nowhere to go.” I
explain and you place a light kiss onto the top of my find.
“Anything for you…my baka Moyashi.” You say quietly your cheek resting onto the
top of my injured head. Everything was perfect, it was quiet and relaxing. That
was until there was a loud banging on his door.
“Kanda you better hope to know the location of Allen or I’m going to flip out
on someone he’s fucking missing! Lavi and I have been looking all night and
Komui just told me to check with you!” Lenalee screamed at the door and I just
groan.
“I’m fine Lenalee just trying to relax a bit!” I call out and I hear quietly
chuckle. Things are quiet for a bit and I wander if Lenalee was okay as I look
to the door.
“Well I’d be damned Lavi…you were right they did like each other. Well its bed
time for us you two have fun and use protection!” Lenalee calls and they
finally walk off and I could help but begin to laugh, you soon join me.
“I love you Kanda.” I say snuggling into you again closing my eyes.
“I love you to Moyashi.” I chuckle and we just lie there no care at all we had
no plans. There were no missions, nothing to do but stay in our rooms. But at
least this time I didn’t have dark thoughts haunting me.
 
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