Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/742832.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural_RPF
  Relationship:
      Jensen_Ackles/Jared_Padalecki, Jensen_Ackles/Christian_Kane, Christian
      Kane/OFC, Jensen_Ackles/Original_Male_Character(s)
  Additional Tags:
      asshole!jared, bottom!Jensen, Angst, Domestic_Violence, Past_childhood
      sexual_abuse, WIP, Possessive!Jared, Jealous!Jared, Evil!Jared
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-03-31 Updated: 2015-02-26 Chapters: 12/? Words: 37449
****** Sex, Lies and Videotape ******
by Clift01
Summary
     A really long response to this spnkink prompt:
     Jensen and Chris dated years ago and made a sex tape or several
     (bottom!Jensen, please?). They broke up but remained good platonic
     friends. Jensen is presently in a serious public relationship with
     Jared (married or considering marriage, adopted kids, bought a house
     together... etc.). Jared is secretly not happy about Jensen being
     good friends with his ex, but he tolerates Chris. They Chris got his
     computer stolen or his house robbed, and they took the sex tape!
     Because they are all relatively famous, the sex tape is leaked
     everywhere. Everyone wants to see it; people take stills images from
     the tape. Obviously it was a huge blow to all three of them,
     especially Jensen. Jensen resents Chris for a bit but forgives him
     (since his only fault is not deleting the tape after they broke up).
     Jared, however, is really angry that Jensen forgave Chris so easily
     and also has a hard time dealing with the fact everyone is seeing his
     partner as a twink getting fucked in many ways by another guy.
Notes
     Please take the warnings seriously, and note that in real life I
     think Jared Padalecki is a nice guy who would never ever hurt anyone.
     Honest.
***** Chapter 1 *****
So, everyone has a past. Jared knows that. It’s not like Jared met Jensen and
Jensen suddenly came into being, blinking into existence from a dark void where
there had been nothing before.
Jen had a life before Jared. With a real life family and friends.
Jared knows that.
But … Chris.
Chris-motherfucking-Kane.
By himself, Jared’s willing to admit that Kane is a good guy. Tough but easy
going for it not to be an issue, wry, smart and kinda charming; in some
alternate universe they might even be good friends. But in this universe
Christian Kane met a teenage Jensen Ross Ackles, and proceeded to annoy the
fuck out of Jared Padalecki forever by fucking HIS Jensen to here and kingdom
come. And by doing so, ended up with Jared’s ever-lasting enmity.
Jared is aware he can be a little jealous but he’s not an overly possessive
moron. He can freely admit, yes, this whole thing between Jen and Kane happened
a long time ago, when he, Jared, was nowhere on the scene for either of them.
But that did not excuse the fact that Kane has not done the decent thing and
disappeared off the face of the fucking planet since; No. Christian Kane was in
Jensen’s life as one of his oldest, and best, friends.
So, he kind of would like Kane if he didn’t happen to also be Jensen’s’ ex-
boyfriend. But he is and that makes Jared’s emotions a lot more complicated and
ultimately means Kane falls from good guy status to all-round pain in Jared
Padalecki’s ass.
It’s not so much he’s worried of the competition: Jared is pretty damned
gorgeous himself, thank you very much. Kane is older than both of them and
looks every one of his years (and more, Jared bitchily thinks). Kane is a
midget with bad hair. Well, sort of a midget. Stood next to six foot six of
Padalecki he is anyway, and yeah, Jared will do his best to highlight the
height difference anytime Kane ventures anywhere near his Jensen. Jared will
flex his muscles, straighten his back, refuse to slouch and hide his near giant
status in the world like he normally does. So he likes looming over the midget.
Sue him.
Christ. His Jensen?
Okay, maybe he is a possessive asshole.
It smarts that the dwarf could care less about the height difference anyway.
Chris will give Jared one of his lopsided smug smirks, like he knows what that
kid Padalecki is up to (and he probably does. Smug douche), and flex his own
muscles and that make Jared feel like the neurotic jealous boyfriend he so is
not.
=
The problem is, Jared knows how closed off Jen can be. How guarded he is of new
people in his life - and for good reason too. Jensen is beautiful. Not in a
‘hey, he’s attractive’, but in a ‘oh holy fuck, how fucking gorgeous is he?’
way, that turns heads and makes others a little bat shit crazy. Jared’s seen
people, sane sensible human beings, suddenly fall apart when Jensen walks into
a room. They stare, men and women, not quite believing what they are seeing and
most of the time that is it. It is like a hypnotic trance and most snap out of
it, maybe a little embarrassed. But sometimes … well … there’s a line crossed
that shouldn’t be.
Like touching Jensen. Yeah. That has actually happened in front of him, and
yes, Jared has been a little forceful in his own response. Hey, the man is
Jared’s partner and they have been out and proud for over nearly 13 months now.
Inappropriate touching of his man is not allowed, unless Jared’s the one doing
the touching.
So over the years Jensen has learned not to smile casually at people, not to
invite any extra craziness into his life. Even on set, with the cast and crew
that have become something like family, Jen is careful in how he is with
people.
Jared has his suspicions about how often – and how – that line might have been
breached in the past. He’s tried to ask without directly asking a couple of
times, but Jensen will ignore the implied question and move on. Jared lets him,
because he’s not a dumb guy and he wants his lover to open up when the time is
right for him. And part of Jared wants to live in denial, even while the other
irrational part of him wants names and addresses so he can embark on a short
killing spree.
So Jared bites his tongue and keeps guard. When it is Sam and Dean, it’s the
older brother in the frontline trying to guard his sibling; but when it’s Jared
and Jensen, then it’s Jared who’s stepping slightly in front of Jensen, keeping
a hand on him in public and pulling him out of the way if it’s needed. It is a
commonplace sight that has been snapped by fans and paps, and it always gets a
laugh at conventions and with friends. It’s a little possessive, Jared’s man
enough to admit that, but it’s not like he’s super-crazy.
No, he saves the super-crazy shit for Chris.
Like right now: Jared’s got a smile plastered over his face as he watches Chris
and Jen giggle through their beers. That is fine. The super-crazy part is
Jared’s burning jealousy that wants him to reach over and smack the glass out
of Kane’s hand, and then smack the cretin out of the bar, over the Canadian
border and ultimately out of Jensen’s life. Forever. He’s got big hands. He
could do it.
Chris and Jensen are friends, and not just because they fucked on a regular
basis in the not-too-distant past, but because Jensen trusted Christian at a
time when he was at his most vulnerable: barely 18, naive and newly arrived in
Hollywood and …
He should be grateful for Kane. Jared knows the friendship and help he gave
Jensen got him through a difficult time that could easily have destroyed him.
There is a strong emotional bond between them and it just drives Jared crazy.
Like…
Like right now. There. The look that passes between Kane and Jen with no
visible emotion on their faces, but a world of understanding in their eyes and
not one fucking word exchanged. And Jen does that smiling nod thing in response
to whatever Chris is asking in their secret language. Jared has his own version
of that with Jensen too, and he can count on the fingers of one hand the number
of people Jensen has that with – and be left with plenty of change.
Jared jumps a little: surprised by Jensen’s foot gently nudging his under the
bar table.
“Back from the dead?” Jensen jokes.
“Ha?” Jared responds intelligibly.
Jensen looks concerned. “What’s up with you Jay? Chris’ offered to buy the next
round and you zoned out.”
Jared turns and sees Chris at the bar (ha, short asshole is practically on
tiptoes trying to get noticed), and he seizes his opportunity.
“Long day on set,” he winces. “Same as you, Jen. And you know what? If we leave
now we can go home and I can -.” He’s being a bastard; Jensen hasn’t seen his
old friend for almost six months and this is the first time they’ve been able
to spend any quality time together. As soon as Kane had told them he was
visiting, Jensen had been planning how to make the most of it. The plan was
simple: get drunk. Get a little drunker. Have some fun and then crash at their
place and drink some more until they had to pour Chris back onto a plane.
“Jay, as much,” and Jensen leaned in close so the people at the next table
couldn’t hear “as I love your cock in my ass, we can fuck anytime.” His lover’s
foot curled around his under the table. “It’s Friday night and we can catch up
on your beauty sleep tomorrow. But tonight I want us to spend some time with
Chris. Both of us. Like I do when it’s Chad.” The look he gave Jared was
meaningful: he knew exactly what the issue was.
“We’re not ditching him – I’m just saying if we head back home we can drink
ourselves into oblivion there.” Genius plan. That way, yes, Kane would still be
lurking around like a bad smell, but at least Jared would be able to smooch
with his man as much as he wanted. Of course, if it gave out the right signals
(roughly translated as ‘Back the fuck off Shortie, I’ve got Jenny now!”), so
much the better.
Chris overheard the last bit about drinking at home and planted the beer and
shots on the table. “Hey man, if you’re tired I don’t mind calling it an early
night--”
“Great!” Jared stood, knocking back his beer in one big almighty gulp, and then
starting immediately on his shot, downed it in one. “I’ll go get us a cab.”
“--after a few more rounds.” Chris trailed off weakly.
==
Jensen was pissed.
Most of the time, Jared was a sane guy, but sometimes, he slipped and displayed
his inner 12 year old bitch. This whole jealousy thing was moronic and Jensen
wanted Jared to get the fuck over it. So he did his best to ignore Jared on the
cab ride home; difficult to do when seated next to the six foot six moron, and
nigh on impossible when said drunk moron decided to wrestle him onto his lap
and devour his lips.
“Quit biting me asshole!” Jensen struggled in his arms, and really it was
ridiculous. None of them were small men and Jared was a huge, and there were
flailing limbs and cries of pain from all three of them as Jared gripped him
tight enough to bruise, and he tried to free himself as Chris tried to dodge
them and not get hit.
The cab came to a screeching halt, and all three slumped forward, Jensen worse
off when Jared bumped into him. The driver turned in his seat and did some
glaring of his own. “No fighting! You want to fight, you get out of my cab!”
Jensen smiled, and really, he totally deserved his rep as an actor, because the
only thing he wanted to do was slap Jared around the head. But he took a deep
breath and smiled at the driver and calmed him down, swearing they would behave
themselves. He also manoeuvred himself so that Chris was now wedged between him
and Jared.
“I’m cold,” Jared complained drunkenly, turning puppy eyes on him. He’d had a
fair bit to drink and Jensen wasn’t surprised he was inebriated. As dumb as he
was acting it also made it difficult to be mad at him. And Jensen had a tough
time resisting that pout.
“Hug Chris,” Jensen teased, gently shoving his friend over. “He’ll keep you
warm.”
Jared and Chris eyed each other up. The look in both their eyes was murderous.
“Do it and die,” Chris intoned with mock seriousness.
Jared nodded seriously and held his hands up in surrender. Before reaching over
to pinch Chris’s cheek. “You’re so sweet, Chrissy Kane, just like your name.
Hey, you’re Kandy Kane!”
Chris crooked an eyebrow. “Boy, do I look like I am Santa's slutty stripper
helper?”
Jared snorted giving him a long hard look that he was attempting to soften and
Jensen loved him for trying. “I guess it would help if you had a stripper pole
made of candy cane.”
Jensen laughed and he saw realisation dawn in Jay’s eyes at his own words. “No.
No - that's a step too far. If you show me your pole Kane, I’ll tear my eyes
out.”
“Ahh, don’t be like that honey. I’d let you lick it if you asked nicely. Just
ask the boys how much they enjoy it.”
And just like that the awkward with a side order of simmering anger was back.
Jensen cringed even before the words were fully out of Chris’s mouth, and yup,
sure enough, Jared’s good humour disappeared and his remembered jealousy
flooded back at the blatant reminder of just who in the cab might once has
sucked off Chris. Jared didn’t speak but then he didn’t have to; the fleeting
good humour was all gone.
Damn.
Goodbye nice guy he loved and hello jealous asshole.
***** Chapter 2 *****
In the beginning, Jared had not been like this. Jensen and Jared had met, and
Jensen had liked the guy just fine, which was good considering they were going
to be co-stars in a two man show. What he did not know at the time was that
Jared had liked him hell of a lot more than just fine, and had wanted him.
Whatever Jared’s tactics were, they had worked. In truth, Jensen had been
blindsided by the man’s friendship and he’d fallen in love with Jay so
effortlessly it had been seamless. Looking back it had been too easy; Jared had
wooed him (as corny as that sounded) and oblivious to anything but the
friendship on offer, Jensen had fallen in love.
One day Jared’s goofy grin made him laugh; the next day it was different. They
were on set, both exhausted, Jensen standing on a small box next to Jared so
that the height difference was not so pronounced waiting for the cameras to
roll, when Jared had just looked at him and Jensen had felt ridiculous, very
aware that he was a full ass grown man perched on top of a box, and then
suddenly… the world had narrowed down to Jared, and everything else; the last
minute script changes, the long day stretching endlessly ahead of them, the
bitingly cold rain, and even the cast and crew, disappeared, until all that
remained was Jared. Jared had grinned, his dimples and teeth all flashily on
show, like he knew what was going through Jensen’s head and was thinking ‘about
damn time you caught up shorty’. Jensen, girl that he was, had melted.
Life was never that easy for anyone and of course, it was too good to be true.
Some of the backlash when they’d come out had been ugly – and there were
several seriously strained friendships and family relationships too. The media
attention was dying down now (apparently interest in two actors playing
brothers in a TV show who fucked off camera could wane. But then you could only
pap so many photos of Jared climbing/kissing/picking up/and generally
manhandling Jensen, before it became a boring everyday circumstance. It only
occurred to Jensen, long after the fact, that this had been part of Jared’s
masterplan all along. Jensen had been blown away by his sheer genius). But
while the media focus lasted, their very public outing in the spotlight had
benefitted the show.
With Jared at his side, the media scrutiny had been easy to handle. Instead of
floundering Jared had anchored him and made him feel protected and Jensen had
not felt safe for a long time. Maybe never. Except … maybe you could have too
much of a good thing. Jay was attentive, and Jensen would be lying if he said
he hated that, but it seemed like his eyes never strayed from Jensen anymore.
He was becoming increasingly possessive – when out in public Jared’s hand was
always on his arm in a steely grip, steering him forever away or towards what
he wanted, and there were mornings Jensen woke up covered in bruises. He
learned to live with it: the alternative to try and fight off Jared was
ridiculous and impossible considering the sheer size of the man and the
resulting amount of attention it would gain.
They were arguing more and they were guys so sometimes it could get a little
physical. Jensen tried to be patient and understanding but it made no sense;
he’d never cheated on his partner, never, it was just not in him to do that,
and especially not to Jared. The way he felt about Jared was special and he
loved him; and he wasn’t afraid to willingly out themselves as a couple and
risk losing friends, family and career, but ostensibly it wasn’t enough. Time
together wasn’t reassuring him, instead Jared’s jealousy was snowballing; over
everyone in general, and ex-boyfriends, and Chris, in particular. Jesus, even
awe struck fans were on Jared’s shit list these days.
The only tactic Jensen used was avoidance but it was shaping up to be an epic
flop. Evidenced by the tension you could cut with a knife in the cab.
He didn’t know what to do, but he knew he didn’t like the effect it had on
Jared. It made him quiet and sullen and made him hold on even tighter. And …
crap.
It scared Jensen.
The tighter Jared held on, the more Jensen wanted to run screaming in the
opposite direction.
Jared usually masked his height and muscles and played the gentle giant to
perfection - most of the time. But when he was angry, with whatever he thought
of Jensen in his head, Jared used his bulk to intimidate.
Some of it was Jensen’s fault; at least how cruel the sex could be now, because
the first time Jared had gone all cave man on him, Jensen had loved it, or
thought he had. He had savoured the wild animalistic fury in Jared unleashed
with his brute strength. Jared had hauled him out of the bathroom furiously
tearing at his clothes, pushing and holding him up on tiptoes against the wall
to harshly kiss him and bite at his lips, forcing him to take it, before
throwing him roughly onto their bed and then finally, oh god, finally, just
plunging two dry fingers into him, and Jensen, buckling with the raw blinding
hurt of it, begging for more, begging for Jared to quit teasing dammit and just
fuck him already, and Jared had slammed him higher up on the bed until he could
hold his wrists down with one hand and then did just what Jensen had begged for
and had fucked him hard and fast and furious.
It had hurt, had to have hurt Jared too, both of them more used to the careful
prep that drove Jensen quietly out of his mind in anticipation, and there had
been a moment when Jared had slammed into him that he was going to take it all
back and beg Jared to stop, but lost the breath to even whimper in the wake of
one agonising thrust after the other, and all he could do was look up into his
lover’s dark stormy eyes, seeing anger and deliberate intention to hurt, his
mouth open in silent agony and god he could feel himself tear and bleed, but
then Jared had moved just right and mixed in with the pain there was just
enough blinding pleasure to spark through Jensen, to make him scream until he
came so hard he blacked out, impaled on his lovers cock still pistoning in and
out of his body.
By the time awareness flooded back, his entire body was in agony, and this time
the screaming was all pain. Jared, his body slick with sweat, was watching him,
heated eyes intent on his, cock still inside him, still fucking in, fucking him
harder even as Jensen’s face contorted in agony and he could only grunt in pain
until Jared grunted harshly and he came, ramming home hard one last time and
pumping Jensen full of cum.
Exhausted, he had slumped heavily on top of the smaller man and Jensen had let
him, not really having a choice anyway, and biting down on his own lip to stop
himself from crying out. When Jared’s harsh breaths slowed, he had finally
shifted to kiss him; gently this time; his orgasm having bleached all the anger
away and Jensen had not been able to hold back the cries of pain at the
continual shift of Jared’s huge cock inside him.
As carefully as Jared withdrew from Jensen’s abused hole, it had been torture,
and this time when Jensen blacked out it was not from pleasure. When he woke up
he was curled in a foetal position, his arms cradled over his knees and belly
as he whimpered.
Jared had been stricken. He sat, wide-eyed, on the other side of the bed
watching over him as Jensen tried to move and sobbed. Jared’s face crumpled,
and it was that broken look that had given Jensen reason to ignore the pain and
try again, until Jared had swooped in and cradled him in his arms.
Afterwards, Jared had carefully and patiently cleaned him up and Jensen counted
his lucky stars that the tearing was minimal and the bleeding had already
stopped. There was no way he’d have been able to face a doctor with this. He’d
been lucky. And Jared had been great, feeding him painkillers and uttering
soothing words as he held him in his arms in the dark.
It was only in the morning that Jensen realised what had been bothering him all
night.
Jared hadn’t apologised. Not once.
==
That time, Jared had been pissed off about a fan overstepping the mark and
touching Jensen. It hadn’t been much really – just a caress of his cheek – so
quick and unexpected that Jensen was left shocked and unable to react before
Jared had marched over and almost broken the man’s arm.
Luckily there had been no photographers around or the whole incident could have
become a lot messier. Instead Kripke had stepped in, one of the stunt men
bundling Jared away, and the man, a fan who’d managed to sneak on to set, had
apologised profusely for touching Jensen once he had gotten over his pain.
Jared had disappeared to god knows where by the time things calmed down, and
wasn’t picking up his calls, so Clif drove Jensen home. As he left the set
Jensen felt numb, and was barely aware of Kripke in the background yelling at
on-set security. He sat in the passenger seat, staring out the window and not
thinking about anything but the pure rage on Jared’s face as he had torn the
stranger away from him and the moment he was pulled away himself and stared at
Jensen with disgust. Like Jensen had done something so horrible Jared could
barely stand to look at him.
The drive home was quick and Clif had turned worried eyes on Jensen and tried
to invite himself in but Jensen begged him off.
Trudging into the too quiet house Jensen ignored the kitchen, forgoing food for
the bathroom and bed. He was washing his face when he caught sight of himself
in the bathroom mirror and had been unexpectedly ashamed. Jensen stilled,
stared at his reflection and forced himself not to look away. Green eyes, dense
lashes, a smatter of freckles across his nose and cheekbones and (cock sucking)
lips all stared back at him. He touched his cheek where the man, the stranger,
had touched him, and tried not think about why. He felt numb there, like the
skin had been marked. What it was about him that made people do things like
that.
It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t.
That was when he caught sight in the mirror of Jared standing behind him framed
by the bathroom door. Staring at him; coldly, impassively.
And knew it was a lie.
==
And if Jared reacted so badly to an overzealous fan, how was he going to handle
this accidental reminder over his past relationship with Chris? Jensen sat back
in his seat, and took a deep breath, silently begging for this not to go bad.
Not tonight, Jared, not tonight with Chris here.
***** Chapter 3 *****
He hadn’t told anyone that occasionally Jared … Jensen stopped himself mid-
thought.
Jared occasionally what?
Hell, there was nothing to tell. Jensen simply needed to do a better job
reassuring Jared … and … he warily eyed the stairs where Jared had moments ago
stormed off and the thought of following him made his heart sink. He should
join Jared and talk him down, but he didn’t want to. Chris was here for one
lousy night and he wanted to spend time with him, not pander to his boyfriend’s
irrational jealousy. It was not that he was afraid to face Jay--
(liar)
--but a non-angst catch up with a good friend he hadn’t seen in a while was far
more appealing.
Chris was game; he drank one beer with him and they discussed old friends he
had not seen for a while. After the night they’d had it was kind of depressing
hearing how much he’d missed out on, and why the hell was that? Sure there was
work but there was always that getting in the way. Unconsciously, his eyes
drifted upstairs. It didn’t mean all his old friendships had to die.
When Jensen grabbed them a second beer Chris gave him a hard look and took both
bottles away to ask the million dollar question.
“What’s going on, Jen?”
“What do you mean?” It was a useless evasion; Chris was not someone who would
take the easy route to avoid a few bumps in the road, especially where a friend
was involved.
“Yeah, don’t play dumb, Jenny. It doesn’t suit you as much as you’d think.”
Chris levelled a look at him that Jensen knew from old. After all the weird
tension with Jared, talking with Chris was a relief; blunt as he was he had
always been good at cutting through bullshit.
“I don’t know. He … Jay’s not happy and he doesn’t trust me. I don’t know what
I’m doing wrong,” Jensen rubbed his eyes. God, he was so tired all the damn
time. He wanted to sink into a soft bed and sleep and stop feeling so damned
useless and unsure of himself. “Everything, it feels like I’m doing everything
wrong sometimes,” he laughed bitterly.
Chris looked at him warily. “Are you? Doing something wrong?” It was exactly
the wrong question to ask and its effect on Jensen was instantaneous.
“You mean does he have a reason to be jealous? Screw you!” Jensen snapped. “I’m
not fucking around and you of all people-”
Chris held up his hands in mock surrender. “No, you’ve got me wrong. I know you
Jen. I don’t judge and I know how uptight you would be about screwing around on
someone. But what I don’t get is why you’re acting so guilty around him. Just
talk to him.”
“I’ve tried.”
“Try again. Clear the air with him and do it tonight.”
==
Jared didn’t even pretend to be asleep when Jensen slipped into their bedroom.
He flipped over onto his back in the bed and crooked angry accusing eyes on him
and Jensen died a little inside. Please god, he thought, please not tonight,
not when Chris is here.
“We should talk,” Jensen hazarded.
“Where’s the asshole?” The words were bitten off angrily.
“Jared. Talk. Not fight. Please?” he sat on the bed pulling his legs up in
front of him (all the better) to face Jared and tried to smile, trying to be
conciliatory as possible.
Jared considered him for a moment, before sitting up and arranging some pillows
behind him. He was tense; Jared knew that, his entire body ached with it, so he
took a deep breath and tried to calm himself.
“Well, what do we talk about Jen? How about the weather, or hey, how about your
ex-lover sleeping in my guest room?”
“Yeah, the key word being ‘ex’, Jared. Dammit!” Jensen stopped before he got
riled up himself. “Yeah, he’s my ex and this is not news to you. You said you
were okay with us being friends because that’s all he is to me. A friend. And,
asshole, it’s our guest room. It’s our house and our fucking lives together
we’re discussing.”
“Our lives, Jen? Right, the two of us and of course fucking Kane!”
“Crap, this again? Really? You said you were okay with him coming up here. It’s
the first time in what – six months? – that I’ve seen him and you just
pretended to be fine with it.”
“Because I was sick of you talking about him. I figured get him up here, get
him out of your system and maybe you’d shut the fuck up about him for an hour
or two. And yeah, he’s up here the first time in six months but you two talk on
the phone all the time don’t you? C’mon - tell me how many times a week? Is it
three, five times a week for how many hours? I know he calls you all the time.
You guys speak more in a week than we do - and we live and work together. How
the fuck is that even possible?”
“Okay, now you’re being a moron Jay. He calls me two or three times a week, and
you and me: we talk every day because we see each other all the time; 14, 18
hours a day because we live and work in each other’s pockets. And what are you
saying now? That I can’t be friends with Chris because you’re fucking me and
you don’t like it?”
“Can you blame me? You talk all the time and you’re all over him whenever-”
“So we talk on the phone a couple of times a week for a grand total of an hour
or two. You talk to your friends – you even talk to Sandy now and then. I know
you do Jay, so don’t give me that look! And how the fuck am I all over Chris? I
don’t …” He stopped himself from what he was about to say and looked up at Jay,
his large green eyes misty.
“You don’t what?” Jared asked, scared and not liking the way Jensen had
stumbled to a halt. When Jensen finally spoke he sounded exasperated.
“I am tired. We do this all the time and I can’t do this Jay. I can’t and I
don’t want to. Jared you police me and anyone in a 20 foot radius around me. No
one gets near me without your say so. You’re … you’re suffocating me. I feel
like I’m in the wrong if someone as much as looks at me and I can’t do anything
right and I’m constantly hurting you. We can’t go on this way. You don’t trust
me and I don’t know why. I hate this Jared; I hate what it’s doing to us. I
hate how we are together and it just keeps getting worse and I don’t know how
to make it any better. Just tell me what you want. Please, just tell me.”
It was like someone had poured ice cold water over Jared. Jensen’s palpable
misery sobered him up. Was Jensen thinking of leaving? “Jen, I know. I’m sorry.
I don’t want … I know it’s crazy and I trust you. It doesn’t come across that
way but I do. I don’t want us to give up, please don’t leave me,” he broke off,
his voice choking on the words, and he tried but couldn’t stop the tears.
Jensen crawled into his lap, legs straddling either side of Jared, and hugged
him. “Jay, no. I didn’t say that – I didn’t mean that. I love you, Jay, and I
would never leave you. Never. But man, you’ve got to tell me what you need from
me so we can get over this.” He softly brushed the tears off Jared’s face and
kissed his lips gently.
“Tell me, man, tell me what you need and I’ll do it.”
==
And after they had talked long into the night, Jared kissed Jensen sweetly and
stripped him naked. He could tell Jensen was tired and needed to sleep and
maybe he had been a little forceful in the face of Jen’s reluctance. Jensen had
bitten his lip and tried to keep quiet which just spurred Jared on even more,
pinning him and bending him tighter, and fucking into his lover harder to get
him crying out, and maybe, just maybe, some of those cries had a tad too much
pain rather than pleasure ratio. But he wanted Jensen to let loose, to cry out
loudly as Jared fucked him.
He wanted Chris to hear.
==
The deal, negotiated into the early hours of the morning was simple: Jensen
would lay off the relentless contact with Chris. Not forever. Just for a few
months. Until Jared could deal. And in return, Jared promised to trust him and
resist the urge to play bodyguard.
It was a win-win situation.
It was for the best. Even if Jensen felt like shit the next morning when he
told Chris they should not speak for a while.
***** Chapter 4 *****
For a time, it was better.
In fact, it got so good Jensen had trouble remembering why he’d ever been
worried in the first place. And when he booked them onto a vacation so they
could spend time alone, just the two of them with no interruptions, it was
pretty much perfect. Jared loved it, and rewarded Jensen each night by making
love to him and ensuring Jensen came twice as many times as him – whether it
was on his fingers, his cock or the dildo he’d packed for the trip.
Jensen’s gait suffered critically over the course of the week, and watching his
lover walking gingerly made Jared smugger than it should have. It meant a lot
that Jensen never denied him, never once tried to stop him even when it had to
be painful for him. Jared could easily overpower the other man, and maybe a
couple of times in the past he had used a little more force than was warranted
with Jen, but he treasured the complete control Jensen willingly gave him,
loved being granted permission to dominate him totally. To have Jensen come
from being fucked with just Jared inside him – even if he was using a toy at
times – made him feel awesome.
He swatted Jensen’s ass playfully in the kitchen as the smaller man mixed up
pancake batter for dinner. They had spent all day in bed, fucking for hours
until Jensen had begged for mercy, so it made sense for a late breakfast. Well,
it did to Jared anyway who demanded his sugar-fix if he was to make good on his
promise to fuck Jen another two times tonight anyway. From the anxious look
Jensen had shot him, he knew Jen wouldn’t mind if he skipped out on his promise
and allowed him to sleep instead.
He left Jen cooking up a storm in the kitchen for the living room, and slumped
onto the sofa wishing he could extend their break indefinitely. He felt truly
settled.
It, this time alone with Jensen, was smoothing all his edges away and Jared
felt at peace. The way he’d been treating Jensen … he had a hard time believing
his actions himself. His mind shied away from some of the memories and in
truth, he was a little astounded Jen hadn’t packed his bags and told him to go
fuck himself already. He had never been possessive over partners before, and
this whole episode with Jensen confused him; but then none of his other lovers
had ever attracted attention the way Jensen did. The guy only had to walk into
a room and women and men clamoured for his attention, and he knew Jensen did
his best to discourage it, had even on occasion ignored the most blatant come-
ons but it did little to appease Jared. As time passed he’d come to view anyone
approaching Jensen with suspicion - and Chris had pushed all his buttons in the
wrong way.
But that was over now: for the first time in several months he felt like
himself; like the good guy everyone thought Jared Padalecki was, and not this
cold stranger who treated the world at large with suspicion. He had been
terrified, as time passed, convinced he was going crazy even as his vigilance
over Jen increased, always watching to make sure he was safe, make sure he was
his and that everyone knew it. Before, when Jensen had asked if he minded Chris
visiting, Jared had shrugged, thought why not, and believed he was fine with it
– or at least that he could grit his teeth and get through it. He didn’t like
the idea of his partner and ex-boyfriend still being close friends (who did?)
but that was normal, right?
What he hadn’t expected was the scorching jealousy when Chris embraced Jensen.
The theory had been uncomfortable but seeing the reality had been a slap in the
face. From then on every look and every touch – however fleeting – had struck
him with the realisation that once Jensen had been Kane’s. That all the
intimate places Jared touched Jen, all those spots he had learned to exploit to
drive him crazy with want had been discovered by Kane already. He couldn’t get
the image of Kane fucking bareback into Jensen, spending himself inside him; it
was on constant loop in his head and it haunted Jared. That Kane might even
know Jensen’s body better than him was enough to push him over the edge into
fury.
The awareness changed him, affecting his worldview and casting suspicion over
everyone. Overwhelmed and upset he didn’t understand how to control it. None of
it, not the world, not his family or work or Jensen made sense, and he felt
like it was all spinning out of control, until he was slipping so fast he had
lost all footing. At times, he’d felt so detached and isolated he didn’t even
feel human. As much as he wanted to blame Jensen for attracting unending
attention, he wasn’t to blame, even though he bore the full brunt of it. Jared
had been angry and filled with resentment at anything that took Jensen’s
attention away from him - and he was scaring Jen, Jared knew that, but it
scared him just as much if not more. Worse, a part of him was secretly thrilled
that Jensen’s reaction nowadays was tinged with fear.
Damn himself to hell he liked it when his boyfriend flinched. How sick was
that? That was not Jared; he was a nice guy. Easy smiles and easier manner and
he had to show Jensen that too. Hell, Jared had to show himself.
His thoughts were spoilt when Jen’s cell rang.
It annoyed Jared more than it should have. He had given clear instructions to
their agents, network, friends and family that they should only call in the
direst of emergencies, and so far everyone had kept away. No one knew where
they were and Jared had gone as far to leave his cell phone at home, but no,
Jensen had brought his with him, stubbornly insisting they had at least one way
for the outside world to contact them.
“Get that for me!” Jensen yelled from the kitchen. He popped his head round the
door and Jared smirked at the flour dusting Jen’s nose that he had smeared
there himself not five minutes ago. Even with no effort put into it Jensen was
gorgeous. Actually, he looked better well fucked; his plump lips swollen from
Jared’s forceful kisses, love bites littering his neck (even if Jensen
complained they were too old for that shit), his hair dishevelled and swamped
in Jared’s oversized t-shirt and shorts. Every time Jensen had showered Jared
pulled him back down to mess him up again, covering him in loving kisses,
sweat, spit and cum. He wanted to smear himself all over Jensen and mark him
permanently.
“Someone better be dead,” Jared muttered, only half-jokingly. “At least there’d
better be blood.”
And if Jared had his way, there would be. It was Mr. Asshole’s name flashing on
the display of Jensen’s cell.
Perfect. Just fucking perfect.
His good mood soured immediately. Jared dropped the call, and deleted it from
the call log before he even realised what he was doing. He switched off the
phone and hid it behind the cushions on the couch; not willing to allow
anything to spoil what was shaping up to be the best week of his life. Later,
when Jensen asked, he lied and said it was a missed call, and that there had
been no number displayed.
Try as he might, it made him pretty fucking angry that Kane of all people had
called, imposing himself on their time when he knew he was the last person
Jared wanted interfering, and if later Jared was little rougher in bed that
night than he’d planned, then no one was around to actually hear Jensen cry out
anyway.
==
By the time Jared returned the cell phone to Jensen they were in a cab nearing
home. They were barely minutes away and Jared was grudgingly aware he had to
hand it back some time. Still, he handed it over with good humour, offering Jen
a mischievous smirk.
Jensen turned disbelieving eyes on him even as he fiddled with his cell to
check messages.
“You’re kidding me. You had it all the goddamned time? Jay, you fucking
asshole, I spent hours looking for-”
“Watch your mouth, Jen,” and Jared was kidding, really he was, but Jensen shut
his mouth instantly and the thrill Jared got at the fast capitulation was hard
to deny. On top of watching Jensen search fruitlessly for the phone, the whole
episode tickled him. So okay, maybe he was still a little pissed at Kane (and
Jensen) for trying to force himself on them.
The cab was about to turn into their drive when Jared spotted the cameras and
journalists outside their home. His stomach sank; there was no way this was
good news. There were almost a dozen of them: photographers and journalists,
some of whom Jared had met before, and even a couple of camera crews. He stared
at the scene blankly and then at his partner; Jensen hadn’t looked up yet, was
still staring at his phone, his face a shade too pale for whatever he had found
there to be anything positive.
“Jay, something’s wrong,” Jensen whispered, his voice strained and when he
finally tore his gaze away from his cell the look on his face was shattered;
but Jared was already reacting, barking out instructions and getting the driver
to smoothly coast on and past their home and away from the media circus camped
out on their doorstep.
==
Sixty messages.
Sixty goddamn answer machine messages. From family and friends and agents, some
shocked, some angry but all quietly panicking and insisting they phone back,
and not to worry about what time of night they called, but just to call the
hell back as soon as possible.
And two messages from fucking Chris Kane.
An apology. Both times. In the first, his voice a strange mix of anger but also
hesitant and wary, on the brink of panic at times, as he begged Jensen to call
him. Promised he’d do everything he could to contain the problem. Everything.
The second time, his voice was overcome with misery, apologising and begging
for forgiveness, and breaking into choked off cries.
I’m sorry, so sorry Jenny. I just couldn’t …
But it was too little, and much too late.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Big fat warning: there is nasty graphic rape and a horrible awful Jared coming
up. Please do not read if this likely to offend.
Jared hauled their luggage into the house his agent had rented.
Marcus Saunders, the poor guy, had been waiting for their call, ready to spring
into action with plans for them to hide out while they strategized to ‘deal
with this shit storm’. Marcus knew Jensen, had known him for years and they
weren’t friends but they had shared a couple of beers now and then; but
throughout their rushed meeting he’d kept his eyes on Jared, only referring to
Jensen as if he wasn’t in the room. The one time their eyes had met he’d turned
away quickly, his skin reddening slowly. Jensen watched the colour blooming
over his neck and gradually his face. It was with dawning horror that Jensen
realised Marcus must have seen some of the footage. He flushed, ashamed and
hoping Jay hadn’t understood the implications. At that point he’d had trouble
comprehending how fucked up their lives now were, but he was beginning to
understand.
In turn Jared had sat there, stony faced, not showing an ounce of emotion as he
listened and nodded. Looking at Jared, it was impossible to guess what he was
thinking. Jensen had no idea if he should be grateful or not.
Now, he stood rooted to the spot, watching his controlled lover carry their
luggage. Jensen stumbled as he followed Jared into the place that was going to
be their new home for a while at least, his gait no longer so fucking funny to
Jared. He had tried to grab one of the bags but the look Jared had shot him
convinced him the last place he wanted to be was in Jared’s eye line.
He trailed after Jared, feeling useless and numb into the living room, the
larger man dumping the bags on to the floor. In the sudden silence both of them
just standing there, Jensen with his arms wrapped around himself.
It was a smart house. Modern but comfortable and seemingly isolated. “It’s a
nice place,” Jensen gambled, wishing Jared would just look at him. He needed
Jared to ground him, to help stop him from fracturing into the millions of
pieces his sanity was threatening.
Jared hadn’t spoken to him, not once since he’d snatched the phone from Jensen
in the cab and listened to the first dozen or so messages. Jensen had watched
Jared’s eyes turn cold as they had swung over to him, had seen his body tense
and knew that whatever Jared was listening to was his fault.
He’d been too scared to ask what was wrong until Jared had violently thrown the
cell back at him – narrowly missing his head. It had been with trembling
fingers he’d picked up his cell as he watched Jared and listened to the next
message.
His mother.
He … oh goddamn Chris. How could he have done this to him?
None of this felt real. None of it. And Jared was acting as if …
Oh god.
Jared hadn’t even seen anything yet. Only heard the briefest of censored news,
sex tapes; a barely legal Jensen being fucked again and again; downloaded
videos online going viral fast; accessible for anyone with a working computer
and internet. Some enterprising bastards selling DVDs and how the lawyers had
gone into overdrive in their absence and been granted injunctions and all of it
no goddamn good because it was too late and it was everywhere and would be
there forever, available for strangers and friends and (oh god) family to see
it. By now, Jensen was the punch line of every chat show host and comedian in
the US.
And, of course, Christian Kane. Chris fucking Jensen over and over.
It had all happened so quickly, the information bursting forth on them after a
week hidden away. Since fleeing the mess at home Jared hadn’t had time to
think: only to react, and for the first time the full force of what was
happening hit him.
Jared’s eyes when they swung to Jensen were dangerous.
“Did you know?”
Jensen flinched at the fury reflected on Jared’s face. He backed away, ice
water running through his veins and his heart pounding with the realisation
that the last person he should to be alone with right now was Jared.
The larger man sneered at his retreat and spoke again slowly, carefully
enunciating each word, the heat of his restrained anger snapping from each
bitten out word. “I said, you, stupid, fucking, whore - did you know?”
In the face of Jensen’s silence he paced after him. With each nearing step
Jensen couldn’t help but cringe.
“Jay. Please,” Jensen begged finally, surprised at the tears rolling down his
cheeks. “This isn’t my fault.”
Jared’s laugh was callous as he stalked closer. “No. You’re just a mindless
slut who spreads his legs on camera to be fucked. How could I expect you to be
responsible for your actions, right? You can’t blame a pretty boy whore, not
when he’s as fucking dumb as you. All you can think of--”
Jared moved so fast Jensen swore he was missing time. One moment Jared was half
way across the room, the next he was in his face, shoving him against the wall,
his hands working on the fly of his jeans as Jensen’s brain caught up and he
tried vainly to fight him off. But he was powerless; his zipper was yanked
down, swiftly followed by his jeans and his boxers and then Jared spun him
around, trapping him against the wall and his body and brutally jamming two
fingers into him. The pain was shocking and excruciating and Jensen sobbed
soundlessly. His knees buckled and he would have fallen to the floor if he
hadn’t been pinned by his lover’s fingers and his body propping him up against
the wall.
“--Is this.”
Jared jammed his fingers harder inside him and Jensen bit his lip on the scream
threatening to let loose.
“Right, whore? Of getting your ass fucked open and you don’t even care who does
it do you? Well, what should I expect from a fucking whore. Want to know how
many men are jerking off to you being fucked, Jen? Want to know how much cum
you’re missing out on? Bet you wish you could see, maybe be there with them
don’t you Jenny, see how much they enjoyed it so you could suck them off and
swallow it down. Be the perfect fuck toy with a perfect ass and mouth and
nothing in your head to pass for intelligent thought. You know what you are
Jenny? You’re the perfect cum bucket, aren’t you babe. Something pretty and
mindless and so fucking dumb.”
Jared punctuated each charge with a jab of his fingers, pressing in harder and
rougher on each thrust in, enjoying the tight resistance of clinging flesh as
much as the keening screams in response. He did it again and again, angrier and
more brutally each time as Jensen turned his head and tried to search out his
face, only for Jared to stare coldly into the green eyes pleading with him,
until Jensen’s eyes closed and he slumped against him in surrender, his entire
body juddering with pain.
Jared finally withdrew his fingers and forced Jensen to turn to face him so he
could trace those same digits over Jensen’s plush lips, pushing them in so that
Jensen was forced to suck. The suction on his fingers went immediately to his
cock and he felt himself harden. He pressed himself against Jensen so he could
feel all of him, grinding his erection into him. The shorter man looked up at
him, tears sliding beautifully down his face, and Jared was reminded as always
of how Jensen’s pain only highlighted his allure. He really was too pretty.
The utter defeat in Jen’s eyes reminded him of when he’d fallen in love with
him. Jared had known from the moment they’d met that he’d wanted Jensen, that
he’d pursue him until he had him in his bed and he did, but the day he realised
it wasn’t just lust he was more surprised than anyone. They’d been filming the
infamous season one finale scene between John and Dean and Jared had been
riveted by how Jen’s palpable misery had only accentuated his looks. He’d been
instantly overwhelmed by Jen’s exquisiteness and that had been it for him; he
was ensnared.
Breathless, his cock straining in his jeans, Jared slid his fingers out of that
welcoming wet heat of Jensen’s mouth, and tried to step back and release Jensen
but he couldn’t let go. He had no defences against him. None. Each time he
tried to let go he discovered he was lying to himself and he held on tighter.
He would never be able to walk away from this man. He was trapped.
He smeared his tacky fingers over Jensen’s face. Jen flinched but took it. They
were standing so close they shared each other’s breath. His hands slid to
either side of Jensen’s face and forced him to look up at him. To study him
closely to try to understand what was wrong with him.
Jensen bit his lip. “Jay,” he begged but that was as far as he got before he
wised the hell up and shut down.
He was unbearably gorgeous. Just perfect, even in the face of all this mess and
it was so wrong. Jared wanted to destroy him, to make him feel some of the hurt
he felt. To pummel him with his fists until he was a bloody mess and he could
finally understand what Jared was going through. Jen’s rank stupidity had
turned him and Jared and their relationship into a joke. The effect on both of
their careers could be … Jared would be lucky if he got any work after this.
His lover’s was over as far as he was concerned.
He gripped Jensen’s hair tightly in his fists, wanting to press tighter and
tighter until he could obliterate the cause of his pain forever; instead, and
with great restraint, he smacked the back of Jen’s head hard against the wall.
Slowly and deliberately. Once, twice, half a dozen times. His anger barely
controlled and ready to slip loose into real violence.
When he let go, Jensen’s legs buckled and he fell to the floor, jeans and
underwear pooled around his ankles, as he curled protectively against the wall
and shook silently. Blindly, he reached out to try and raise his jeans to cover
himself.
Jared stared at his lover and his attempt at reticence and honestly hated him.
He was pathetic and weak and Jared realised he had to leave before he did him
real violence, before actual anger erupted in him. He picked up his bags and
looked at him disgustedly over his shoulder. “Clean yourself up.”
Jared escaped into the bedroom, securing the door behind him so that he could
release his rage safely onto the décor instead of his lover.
==
Jensen shivered as he willed himself to move. He needed to do so soon – his
stomach was rebelling violently and it wouldn’t be long before he spilled his
guts on the floor. Desperately, he covered his mouth with his hand to stave off
the sickness.
The last time Jensen had felt so dirty he’d been a teenager, and he’d been
alone and terrified that time too. Alone that was until Chris. Without Chris
he’d have done something desperate from which there was no going back, and,
despite everything he ached for that comfort now. He needed someone with non-
judgemental eyes to look at him with that same love and acceptance and
reassurance. Chris had been the first person in his life to provide it when he
really needed it. As a child he’d seen the muted disgust in his parents eyes -
and worse from the few others who knew some of what he’d done; he’d always felt
judged and found wanting.
But that was then and this was now. He finally managed to tug his clothing back
on, but the thought of moving again was unbearable. His … he was hurt down
there and a bolts of pain shot through his head each time he so much as
blinked. He needed help. Jensen’s eyes reluctantly trailed to Jared’s closed
door. By the sounds of it he was tearing the room apart. With each muffled
thump and angry yell Jensen flinched and silently prayed for Jay to stay in
there.
Dear God, he wanted Chris. Chris knew everything and yet had never judged him,
never turned his back on him. He could imagine that whiskey-honeyed tone
dipping low in his ear and solid arms wrapping around him to offer comfort.
Chris.
Jesus, how fucking dumb was he?
Chris had betrayed him and was the very reason he was huddled pathetically on
the floor. He was as stupid as Jared suspected if he was yearning for Chris’s
comfort. This was his fault and Jensen wanted to hate Chris. He had done this
to him.
Sex tapes; not just one but several and all from recordings found on Chris’s
stolen laptop and now in the public domain.
Yeah, Jensen had been aware of Chris recording their lovemaking a couple of
times, hell, he had even given permission. But the sheer volume of material
stolen and released hinted by Jared’s agent made him appreciate Chris had lied
about that. After their relationship ended, the older man had promised Jensen
he would destroy the few tapes he did possess.
Another lie.
Right, maybe he destroyed them, but only after he uploaded them on to his
laptop. Had … hell … had Chris been watching them? He shuddered and pushed the
thought aside. Chris was a friend now. He didn’t want to think that Chris was
pretending to be a good guy and then betraying him by jerking off to images of
him being fucked. The thought didn’t help his nausea and he tasted bile in his
mouth.
And it justified Jared’s qualms about Chris.
Jensen bit down on his lower lip hard. Jared had been right to be suspicious
over Chris. He couldn’t think now but he’d have to make this better for Jared
somehow. He deserved that much at least.
For now, despite all their best efforts they were, both him and Jared, fodder
for the gutter press. It had been bad enough with the media interest when
they’d come out as a couple, but the coverage then had been grudgingly
respectful. No one paper or network had wanted to be accused of being
homophobic.
This was different, tawdry from the start, and the media coverage this time
round would be ugly. No holds barred and they would dig for more now, sniffing
blood in the air and searching for more until every piece of trash from their
lives was uncovered and they might even find out about –
No. they wouldn’t find that. He couldn’t even allow the thought that they
might.
Numb, Jensen struggled to his feet and limping, dragged his bag to the second
smaller bedroom.
==
Jensen stood under the stream of hot water for a long time, letting the dirt
slough of his skin but not feeling any cleaner. He couldn’t think clearly and
it was impossible to concentrate: he hurt too much. He couldn’t even get that
taste out of his mouth, despite brushing several times, and his stomach rumbled
in complaint, sickened by the flavour of both him and Jared. And … everything
felt off, like it wasn’t real.
He stumbled out of the shower, drying himself cursorily and ready to flop into
bed and surrender to sleep. He threw the towel on the bed and was about to
dress when he realised Jared was watching from the open doorway.
Jensen’s heart thumped painfully in his chest, and he unthinkingly picked up a
towel and tried to cover himself.
Jared stood by the door, grinning maliciously. “A little late for modesty,
Jenny, don’t ya think?”
If Jared was expecting an answer he was going to be sadly disappointed. Instead
Jensen just tugged the towel tighter around him. Since the … since Jared had
last left him he’d been unable to stop shivering.
“Now be a good bitch, Jenny, and drop the towel. Don’t make me wait.” He took a
step into the bedroom, and Jensen unconsciously took a step back. It hit him
how often he retreated these days from his lover. “You know, I thought even a
stupid whore like you could muster up some sense.”
“W-wu… we should talk Jared.” Jensen didn’t even want to do that; he wanted to
melt into his bed and sleep until this whole mess had gone away.
Jared ignored him. “Don’t make me do it for you.” There was fury in his eyes
and Jensen took the threat seriously and let the towel fall. He stood naked in
the room, the bed one step away behind him, and with Jared blocking the door no
obvious escape route available.
Jared took his fill, dragging his gaze up and down his body, making Jensen feel
filthy. When Jared finally spoke his voice was almost tender. “You’re
beautiful, Jensen. I’ve seen you naked hundreds of times and yet you still
steal my breath away. So beautiful anyone would believe you were special but
the truth is that it’s only surface deep. All anyone needs to do is take a
closer look and they’d see the truth; you’re a pretty empty shell and there’s
nothing of interest inside.”
“J-Jay,” he stuttered and stopped, embarrassed by his own voice.
“And even the dumbest bitch would have apologised by now for dragging me down
to your level. But you, you’re too selfish and you just don’t have the smarts.”
“Wha-?” And Jensen realised he was right. This was his fault and not since any
of this nightmare had begun had Jensen once uttered any words close to an
apology, and he had effectively destroyed Jared’s life. A shamed part of him
hid from the thought that he might have spoken earlier if he hadn’t been so
terrified of focusing Jared’s attention on him.
“Jesus, Jay. I am sorry. I’m so sorry,” he’d never spoken words more heart
felt. If there was anything he could do to prevent this hurt to Jared he would.
Jared just looked at him and Jensen wondered again what was going through his
lover’s head. At one point he’d been able to read the other man so clearly; now
everything was clouded and hidden. When the hell had Jared become an enigma to
him?
Jared’s focus on him did not falter once but after a long moment he held out
his hand towards him.
Jensen wanted to take the proffered hand, he really wanted to, but underneath
the calm cool exterior Jared was presenting, he knew the larger man was
furious. He couldn’t help thinking that if he took that hand held out so
innocently to him then he would be doomed. It was a trap and he was the prey.
He should leave. He should dress and get the hell out of there. But Jared’s
face was losing its cool impassivity and turning sterner and part of Jensen was
questioning what the hell he was doing, baiting him by refusing to take his
hand?
Saving yourself, a voice inside his head whispered.
“I should leave,” Jensen said impulsively, the words surprising even him.
If the expression on Jared’s face before had been perturbing, the regard now
terrified him.
“I don’t want to,” Jensen hastened to add. “But it’s for the best and maybe
this will help you. It’s my fuck up Jared and you don’t deserve this crap in
your life. I’ve … I’ve been stupid and I’ve ruined everything for you. I can
go-”
“To Kane?” Jared interrupted, cocking his head and stepping closer. “Is that
what you’re thinking, Jenny? Of getting over there so he fuck you all better?”
The charge was so shocking Jensen was dumbstruck. Jared took his silence for
guilt.
“Pissed I caught you out?” The sneer was back in full force, and in one sudden
move Jared snatched Jensen’s hand and held it tightly.
“No,” Jensen shook his head but part of him wondered what his plans would have
entailed. Leave and go where? There was no way his family would offer a safe
haven, and the only practical solution was to speak to his agent to plan his
next move. Under normal conditions Chris would have been on a very short list
of trusted friends who could offer refuge: but these were far from normal
conditions and Chris was the last man on the planet Jensen could be seen with
now.
“Don’t. I know when you are lying to me, Jenny; I know when you lie because you
open your fucking mouth.” The grip on his hand tightened and Jensen gasped. He
tried to pull back again but there was no way he was going to escape the clasp
from that massive hand.
“I’m not. I swear I’m not Jay. I don’t feel so good; please, I need … Please,
you’re hurting me, please let go.”
“Really? I thought I was the one hurt here.”
Jensen wanted to be strong, he really did, but he could feel tears rolling down
his cheeks. Jared pulled on his wrist to draw him closer until he bumped into
Jared’s chest. With his free hand he gripped Jensen’s face and tilted it up,
brushing his lips over his features gently and then lapping at his tears.
Jensen closed his eyes and shivered uncontrollably. “I’m cold. I … I … please
Jay, please let me get dressed.”
He flashed back to his earlier violation and he wanted to be sick. Jared had
done that to him. His gentle gorgeous lover had ... his mind skittered away
from that train of thought.
“You have no idea what you do to me, Jenny.” He pulled Jensen’s trapped hand to
his crotch and made Jensen cup his hard-on. Jensen whimpered --
(sobbed)
-- and let his lover manipulate his hand over his clothed erection. He blinked
back his tears. He could do this. He had done this before with other men. He
never thought he’d be in this position with Jared though.
Jared’s hand closed over his as he controlled the stroking on his cock.
“I’m so hard. Been so hard for the last hour, thinking of you, wanting you.
Want to fuck you Jenny, can I? Want you to suck me first, can you do that for
me baby?”
Jensen wanted to cry. He wanted to get into bed and cover himself in blankets
and hide … But maybe, if he did this, it would help Jared. And maybe Jay needed
some relief and he’d be calmer.
“Ye--, yes. Yes Jay.” Before he even had uttered one word Jared was already
dragging him from the room to the larger bedroom, forcing him to stumble after.
“Want to show you something first, I want you to see it while you suck me and
get me wet so I can fuck you.”
Jared’s bedroom was a mess. Furniture was pushed on to the floor, Jared’s
clothes scattered all over the room.
And in the middle of the bed --
No!
***** Chapter 6 *****
-- Jensen panicked and tried to dig his heels in, begging Jared to stop but was
forcibly pushed to his knees at the foot of the bed. Jared moaned as he grazed
his clothed erection over Jensen’s face. “Pull me out,” he gasped. Even with
Jared’s cock tenting in his face, Jensen’s attention swung back to the object
on the bed.
“Jay, please don’t. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I am please don’t make me do this.
Please Jared I love you please don’t.”
It was as if he hadn’t even opened his mouth for all the notice Jared paid him.
He only pulled Jensen’s face closer to his crotch and rutted against him.
Jensen could smell him, the unique musk that he always associated with Jay and
that normally got him so hard.
“Do it, Jenny.” It was an order, clear and simple.
Jensen winced; he hated that nickname when it was used to belittle, used in the
wrong way it was an insult. He bit down on his lip and with trembling hands
unzipped Jared and dragged down his jeans. From his angle the bulge in Jared’s
underwear was obscene and there was a wet spot spreading where his cock was
leaking copious amounts of pre-cum.
Jared reached over, fiddled with the object on the bed --
No!
-- and Jensen died a little inside, humiliated already.
“Suck it bitch. And we’ll see--” Jared pressed a key on the laptop and Jensen
could hear voices, tinny but clear, suddenly play. “-- if your technique has
changed any.”
He spun the laptop around so that the screen was visible to them both.
On the screen a beautiful teenage boy smirked as he tugged down his boyfriends
briefs and rubbed his face over his cock. He looked like a slut, Jensen
thought, and then revised his thoughts: That’s me. I look like a slut.
On-screen Jensen moaned wantonly and softly kissed Chris’s erection. “Gorgeous
cock, love it so much Chris. Love you baby … love tasting you.”
Chris groaned, his cockhead slipping past slick lips.
Jared tugged down his briefs and rubbed his cock over Jensen’s lips, hissing in
pleasure at the friction and enjoying the sight of his precum glistening on his
lover’s reddened mouth. When Jensen refused to open up, still caught up at his
mirror image on screen, he hooked fingers into the corners of that generous
mouth and easily slipped his cock in, sliding deeper until he was three inches
deep and then he withdrew slightly, only to slide in deeper seconds later.
Jensen gagged but worked his mouth around him, accommodating him as he grew
harder. Jared groaned appreciatively at the wet heat enveloping part of his
cock and let his fingers fall free from Jen’s mouth.
“Like that Jenny? You do, don’t you. Look so good with your pretty mouth
stretched around cock. Such a perfect cock-sucking mouth. Born to it baby, born
to suck cock.” Jensen looked sinful and perfect with his mouth stretched around
his girth, his lips slick and glistening with spit. On-screen Jensen was being
filmed as Chris held the camera – the picture increasingly shaky with each
passing moment. Jared sympathised with Kane. Jenny was suited to suck cock on
his knees, and he was so overwhelmingly beautiful anyone would struggle to hold
steady. There was a sudden shaky zoom in: the angle focusing on those perfect
lips shiny with spit and pre-cum taking in Chris’s cock deeper as off camera
Chris moaned. Jared couldn’t help himself; he thrust deeper.
“I’m bigger than him, right Jenny? Both in length and girth.” Jared slowly
pulled out his saliva slick cock and rubbed it over Jen’s face. “Well?” Jensen
looked at him dully and Jared laughed. “It’s a good thing you’re so pretty Jen;
it almost makes up for how fucking dumb you can be."
Jensen cast his gaze downwards from him but he couldn’t have that. “Look at
me,” Jared barked, and large, tearful green eyes snapped up at him.
"Well?”
Nothing. Jensen was blank, not sure what was wanted. He moved forward to take
Jay back into his mouth but his lover moved out of reach.
Rolling his eyes, Jared repeated himself, sliding the tip of his cock back into
that warm hole. “Who, you dumb bitch, is bigger? Me or the asshole there.”
Jensen’s eyes widened and his eyes involuntarily swung to the screen. Pissed at
his inattentiveness Jared slid in deeper, choking Jen. As his eyes watered, Jay
pulled out roughly until only his cockhead rested against that warm mouth and
waited for the answer, wanting to time this just right.
“Don’t make me hurt you baby. Just answer the fucking question.” He thrust
shallowly into his mouth and drew back, and Jared could feel the moment Jensen
was ready to answer.
“You--” Jen started and Jared, unable to wait to hear more, gripped his head
and thrust down violently until he was buried balls deep in Jen’s mouth and
throat, his pubic hair in Jenny’s face. He grunted as he ground his cock, using
his grip buried in Jensen’s hair for leverage to get the maximum friction. His
lover was spluttering and gagging around his length, desperately trying to get
used to the sudden violation and lack of oxygen. Jared pulled back when he
could, immediately needing to thrust deeply into that hole again and he did,
wanting to fuck it hard and immediately started a punishing rhythm, ramming
Jensen’s face violently. He was aware this was hurting Jen, that his lover
would have problems talking after but he needed this, need to claim back what
was his.
On-screen Jensen was whining as Chris pulled back his cock, teasing his lovers’
lips with it. Pre-cum was smeared over Jensen’s lips as he desperately reached
forward and tried to get him into his mouth. The utter need in Jenny’s eyes for
Kane incensed Jared.
“Cock slut. Such a fucking perfect cock slut aren’t you babe?” Jared taunted as
he thrust harder and harder, his balls slapping against Jen’s face again and
again. He pulled back slightly, resting his cockhead on Jensen’s tongue and
spat a long string of saliva onto his shaft and into Jensen’s open mouth.
Disgust flickered in Jenny’s eyes and Jared slammed back in, replacing the look
with instant hurt.
He turned to the screen.
Jensen, on his knees, releases Chris’s cock with a wet pop, Chris, panting,
draws back slightly. A delicate strand of saliva linking his cock to Jensen’s
reddened mouth, and he pulls back slightly, testing the fragile connection
which survives and groans. “Your fucking mouth, Jenny. God, love you baby. Want
to fuck you always.”
Jensen licks his lips, severing the thin line of spit between them. “Always.
Yours Chris, yours to fuck any way you want.”
“Mine. Oh god Jenny, yeah. Suck my cock baby, suck it. Get it wet for me,” Kane
sliding his cock over Jensen’s face, rubbing it over all over, lifting slightly
so his balls are over Jensen’s mouth and then in turn his cock. “Suck me, babe,
get it wet. I’m going to fuck you again. Get you so wet and sloppy my cum will
be leaking out of you all night.”
Jensen moaned, rubbing his face on Chris’s cock, licking and kissing when he
could until finally, he catches the head in his mouth and latches on as he
watches Chris, sucking gently, clearly savouring the taste.
“Sounds good to me,” Jared pants. “On the floor babe, ass in the air. I’m going
to ream your ass hard.” He pulled roughly out of Jensen’s mouth and watched as
his lover collapsed on the floor, gasping, fat tears leaking copiously down his
cheeks.
“And after, you lying bitch, you can tell me again all about how Chris was your
first.”
=
After that Jensen zoned out. It was an old trick but there was no comfort in
the familiarity. He saw it, felt it even, but he pulled back far enough that it
happened to someone else, not him. It was like he disconnected. Jared’s touch
resonated, everywhere he was touched and grabbed it ached, long after his
attention had gone elsewhere.
Jared was brutal. It hurt. Jared manhandled him. Picking him up like he weighed
nothing, only to push or throw him on to the floor, over the dresser or the
bed. It didn’t matter.
Jensen let it happen because he couldn’t stop …
He let it happen because he owed Jared. He alone had brought this whole mess on
their heads. He winced at every bite and bruise inflicted and he thought he
might even have cried out loud at one point. He’s not sure because even though
it was quick and overwhelming it was endless and it hurt and it was Jared and
him and it couldn’t be because Jared would never …
He saw all of it happen. All of it and he couldn’t believe it was happening to
him --
(again)
-- and he couldn’t believe it was Jared because Jared didn’t … Jared wouldn’t …
Jensen closed his eyes.
=
When it’s over --
(when Jared finally comes inside him, grunting harshly as he pulses load after
load until he had to be empty)
-- Jensen plans his escape: he’ll crawl if he has to but he needs to get off
the bed and leave. It would hurt -- his body is one big bloodied bruise and any
movement might tip him over into being sick -- but the reward would be a long
hot shower and then maybe sleep - but Jared puts a halt to that plan by
collapsing on top of him, and burying his damp head in the juncture between his
neck and shoulder.
They were pressed chest to sweaty chest and Jensen felt suffocated by the
heaving larger body on top of him. Jared’s let his chest hair grow out the way
he always does when he’s on hiatus and normally Jensen loves the coarse density
of it but all he can feel now is the sweat entangling each hair and now
dripping onto him. It’s disgusting and smell is rank and for a moment his
stomach roils in rebellion. Worse, Jared was still inside him, softening now,
but he can’t move, can’t get Jared out of him and he almost starts to panic
thinking Jay has fucked himself into a coma and he’ll have to stay like this
all night and he doesn’t know if he can even breathe let alone hold it together
when he realises that Jared is shaking, trembling on top of him. He’s awake.
“Jay?” he whispers, his voice wrecked and hurting. All of him hurts.
He flinches when Jared lets out a harsh cry, before it hits him what this is:
Jared is sobbing. Full body tremors that wrack him from head to foot.
Jared is crying.
It doesn’t make sense.
But despite his confusion, Jensen withdraws his arms from his lovers’ suddenly
weak hold over his head to tentatively wrap them around Jared’s shoulders.
Jared only sobs harder, so Jensen holds him closer, letting his lover soak
tears into his neck. His fingers trail gently through Jared’s hair to offer
comfort.
“It’s okay Jay. It’s okay. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m so sorry. It’s okay I
promise,” Jensen soothes. It takes a while, long enough for his arms to cramp,
but Jared’s sobs cease and he lies there not moving as Jen continues to whisper
and hold him. For a while he thinks this is it; Jared has fucked the anger out
and he’ll be the sweet and gentle man that Jensen loves. But then Jared moves
slightly, and pain rockets through Jensen and he stutters on a breath before
Jared stills.
Jared’s face is only inches away from his own. They both stare into each
other’s eyes, practically breathing the same air and Jared shifts again –
slightly – just testing, and Jensen’s entire world is pain. It shows on his
face; it has to. Jared’s eyes are unfathomable and Jensen can’t read him, can’t
understand, and just wants the agony to stop. Unbelievably, Jared’s cock in him
hardens and Jensen can’t hold back on the cry of pain that causes. He shakes
his head, desperately, pleading silently and hoping his lover will take note.
For a moment, for the briefest second, Jensen thinks Jared is going to relent.
That he’s going to ease himself out of him gently. But then Jared’s lips turn
up into a wolfish grin that is cold and cruel.
“Hurts,” Jensen begs. “Please, please don’t. It hurts too much Jay.
Pleasepleaseplease don’t--” But Jared scoops his arms under Jensen’s legs and
pushes them up and over his own broad shoulders until Jensen is practically
bent in half and then he grinds down hard.
There’s a tsunami of pain that hits hard, and Jensen blacks out gratefully.
=
When he wakes, Jared is still inside him, fucking him, grunting roughly, his
skin and hair sweat soaked. The pain is crushing, robbing him of breath. He
begs for darkness to consume him again but Jared keeps him on the edge, fucking
him just so that it is agony but he doesn’t black out. He’s still fucking him –
maybe 30 or 50 or maybe as little as ten minutes later, until he’s nearing
orgasm; Jared’s face is flushed and his eyes are glazed with that familiar
pleasure haze but tempered with wild anger and he is thrusting harder now,
jackhammering into him, the bed shifting under their rough thrusting, and he
rams harder and harder and Jensen can’t do anything but take it as his body is
overwhelmed with agony.
This time, when Jared comes he spits savagely in Jensen’s face. It’s deliberate
and horrible and Jensen feels it slide down his cheek and into his mouth. He
almost gags but Jared roughly covers his mouth and nose with one hand and
forces him to swallow.
Jared pulls out of Jensen roughly and his hand pushes at his face. Jensen cries
out in relief and tries to roll over and away but the pain is so immense that
he has no trouble blacking out again.
=
He opens his eyes to find Jared is staring at him benignly. They’re facing each
other on their sides. It’s dark and there’s silence; the only noise his own
laboured breathing and Jay’s now normal breaths. Jensen’s confused. Doesn’t
understand why he’s in so much pain. But when Jared reaches over to touch his
face he flinches and it all comes screaming back.
Jared looks torn between anger and sorrow.
“Baby,” he whispers. “Don’t. I didn’t mean to … you get me so angry when you’re
stupid.”
There’s silence and it’s uncomfortable and Jensen realises he should say
something. He can’t take Jared staring at him like this. The sheets are pulled
up to his chest but he feels naked and exposed under that gaze.
“I’m sorry,” he rasps. Oh God. There’s something slippery between his thighs.
He thinks he’s bleeding down there. It’s not just the larger man’s cum leaking
out of him; it hurts too much for that.
Jared’s answering smile is blinding; dimpled and genuine and Jensen is thrown
back to that moment he’d fallen in love with him. It’s the same smile but all
he feels this time is blinding terror.
Jared opens his arms, beckoning him closer. Jensen moves and even though he
expects it to hurt it still stuns him and he whimpers. He bites down hard on
his lip. Jared takes pity and moves the last few inches, taking him in his arms
and dragging him close in a full body hug. Jensen closes his eyes, not able to
stop tears leaking down his cheeks and on to Jared. This close, he can smell
Jay everywhere and he whimpers. He doesn’t like this; it doesn’t feel right.
His head is pounding and everywhere he’s touched is screaming with pain.
Jared quiets him. “I don’t know if I can forgive you Jenny. I don’t. But I love
you. And I’m willing to try. I just need time okay. You can give me time Jenny
can’t you?” Jared asks again as Jensen tried to control his emotions. Jared
takes his face firmly in his hands and makes him look up at him. “Open your
eyes Jenny. Jenny – open them now.” The tone is stern and Jensen obeys.
“There’s a good boy. I know it hurts but you pushed me Jen. You don’t do that
to someone you love. Why would you do that to me?”
“I … I’m sorry,” Jensen tells him.
“I know you are. And I’m going to try to forgive you babe, but you’ve fucked up
our lives – and our careers - royally and I don’t know how long it will take
for me to get over what you’ve done. I don’t know if I can. And after all the
lies I don’t know if I can ever trust you again.”
“I didn’t lie. I didn’t know about the recordings Jay--”
“Bullshit,” the grip tightened on him and Jensen shut down. “Jen don’t piss me
off even more. I knew that fucker wanted to fuck you. I begged you to stop
meeting up with him but you enjoyed panting like a bitch in heat over him. And
you told me it was nothing; that he was ‘just a friend’. That was a lie. What
kind of friend has his own personal library of sex tapes of you? How the fuck
can I ever trust you again? And it’s not just that. You’ve lied to me from day
one – yeah, you fucking did: what about all your crap about Chris being the
first guy to fuck you?”
Jensen stiffened in Jared’s arms. The protest dying on his lips.
“No virgin sucks cock like that. You were deep throating him like a pro. All
which makes you a lying whore, babe. I know that. I’ve always known it … but I
have the proof now.”
=
“I hoped you’d man up and tell the truth, Jenny. I’ve been waiting a long time
and I’m running low on patience. Tell me. I’m not tolerating this anymore,”
Jared shook his head earnestly. “I’m sick of your bullshit ruining everything
because you don’t have the goddamn sense you were born with to trust me. I’m
here and I can protect you - if you talk. Hasn’t all this proved how
destructive your secrets are?”
Jensen shuddered. “I didn’t--” Jared reacted instantly, his anger palpable as
he dug his fingers in tighter.
“Don’t lie, bitch. Kane was not your first. That much is obvious from what I’ve
seen just today. You think anyone who’s watched that would believe your crap?”
Jensen tried to pull back away but the fingers gripped relentlessly tighter,
digging into his face. Jared manoeuvred them so that he lay on top of Jensen
pinning him to the bed with his greater length and weight and their faces only
inches apart. He tilted Jenny’s face and forced eye contact with him.
“I can’t take your fucking lies anymore. I won’t. It’s breaking my heart and I
know you’re a whore – I’ve seen the evidence, just like everyone on the fucking
planet has, so do not insult me by lying to my face. How many men had you been
with before?”
“D … don’t. Puh … please don’t. I can’t please, I just can’t …” Jensen bit down
on his lip, ashamed of his stuttering.
“I don’t need details. Not right now. Just tell me how many and who?”
Jared ground down on him and Jensen winced under the heavy mass. “Please I …
itHURTSplease don’t--”. He’s on the verge of hysteria and so he couldn’t blame
Jared for drawing his hand back to slap his face. It burned and Jensen shut
down, his face stinging.
“Are you back with me, babe?”
A slow nod.
“Good. I’ll make this easy. I’ll ask simple questions and you can tell me yes
or no. For now, anyway. Now tell me; was Kane the first man to fuck you like
you told me all those years ago.”
Every word tore into Jensen and brought back memories he’d spent his life
ruthlessly blocking. It was too easy to remember being small and powerless and
forced into rough wet kisses --
(the cloying stink and tang of it)
-- harsh hands touching him, pulling and pushing and hurting and arranging him
and ignoring his pleas and him begging and crying for help that never came and
being told it was his fault over --
(stupid cheap whore)
(too pretty)
-- and over again. And as much as he wanted Chris to have been the first man to
have ever touched him it was all a lie. Wasn’t that the truth that Jared
wanted, and that he deserved?
Did he wish Chris was his first?
Yes.
But had he been? Far from it. Jared was right; he was a seasoned whore by the
time Chris first set eyes on him.
“… No.”
Jared’s lips spread into a smile that was far from happy. When he spoke, his
tone was deceptively calm. “Right, that’s progress right there Jenny. Now, tell
me how many? How many men did you let fuck your mouth and cunt?” Jared’s ire
rises and he sneers on the last word; the thought of others trespassing on what
is his makes him crazy, and he wills himself to calm down, to not ram his
fingers in Jensen’s abused hole. But Jensen is shaking his head again, big fat
tears trailing down his cheeks and is working himself up into hysteria.
Jared doesn’t feel like he has a choice; he slaps him again. Hard enough, so
that Jen’s head snaps to the side. The shocked injured look on Jen’s face
throws him momentarily; all hurt betrayal but it quickly clears.
When Jensen speaks, Jared finds he has to duck his head closer; the words are
whispered and Jen sounds so defeated.
“I … I didn’t want it Jared. I didn’t. I tried to stop him … but … it hurt and
… please don’t make me tell you this please Jay don’t--”
(spread your legs whore)
(don’t tell)
(scream for me)
(hate you)
(don’t make a sound)
“--ithurtstoomuch and I didn’t want it. Please … it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t
Jay it wasn’t.”
It’s too much; Jensen shuts down and Jared seems to take pity, cradling him in
his arms and soothing him. Jen trembled hard in Jared’s embrace and he’s not
even sure what for; his childhood? Chris’ betrayal and lies? For … tonight?
But it’s his fault. All of it. Otherwise it wouldn’t keep happening to him.
For his part, Jared holds him, grateful to have finally used the chink in Jen’s
armour to get a hint of the ‘facts’. He’ll get the full truth out of the lying
bitch later but for now this is enough.
Later, he’s still wide awake as Jensen dozes in his arms and Jared nuzzles his
hair, pressing gentle kisses into his temple, knowing that it’s a lie, that you
can’t rape a whore. He can’t let it go easily so he gently kissed Jensen awake.
He watched and saw the exact moment Jen awoke, blinking those fucking big eyes
at him wearily as consciousness flooded back.
“Jenny? Do you think your mama’s seen it too? Seen you on your knees sucking
cock or taking it up the ass like the slut you are?”
He couldn’t stop the smile at Jenny’s teary reaction. That was sure to chase
the sleep away from Jensen.
“There are dozens of recordings; I’ve only seen five or six but there’s so many
of them Jenny, so many videos of you getting fucked and sucking cock. What’s
your mother going to think? The sheer number alone.” He shook his head in
disgust. “It’s not going to be news to her, is it Jen? She already knows what
you are – she and all your family. That’s why you don’t get on with them, isn’t
it? They know what you are and they can’t live with it, can’t live with you.
You make it so hard to love you Jenny – even your own family can’t stomach what
you are. You’ve always been so vague about why you don’t talk to them – but
it’s because you know the real reason and you’re ashamed. And you have lied to
me about it too, making it seem like your falling-out is their fault. Why,
Jenny? You gotta stop. You gotta learn to face facts and quit blaming everyone
around you. You’re nothing but cheap dirty whore, and the only person
responsible for that is you.”
He prised Jen’s head back gently so they could keep eye contact. He smiled and
kissed his forehead gently. His gentle actions so at odds with his words that
Jensen flinched. He felt helpless under him: trapped and exposed. “Those men
who touched you when you were a k … before Kane – was it really their fault?”
Jensen stared at him, wide eyed. His mouth fell open and he was gasping, a
horrible dreadful cry as the words registered in his mind. Jared pressed a
finger against his lips, silencing any protest.
“No, listen to me. You say it wasn’t your fault but Jen have you thought about
it? Maybe it is. Maybe you did … something that made them do it.” Jared could
see Jensen wilt under the onslaught of his words.
“C’mon Jenny, what about even now when we’re together and those men, those
strangers, touch you? I’ve seen it. That doesn’t happen to other people. It’s
you. It’s just you. You cause it. And what about Kane? The tapes are his fault
but not yours? What kind of twisted logic is that? You don’t look like a
fucking victim on those tapes: not when you’re writhing on his cock like a
slut. And this-” he waved his hand between them. “You gonna blame me for this
now? Really? You gonna lay the blame again on someone else so you don’t have to
accept the truth? And it all started with those men you seduced before Kane
fucked you --”
Jensen’s sob was harsh and broken.
It jarred against the gentle almost loving whispers from Jared, which sounded
so sweet unless you listened to the words. It was too much for Jensen, too much
he’d always worried about and hearing this from the man he loved validating all
those fears broke him. He spoke fast, words spilled forth in a rush; desperate
and panicked.
“-- Please, please stop. I’m begging you … please Jared, don’t say this. Please
Jay please don’t.” Tears were pouring down his cheeks and the sight stunned
Jared. His lover, emotional as he could be, never really sobbed, now looked
like he was on the verge of breaking down completely. Jared was finally
chipping away at Jenny’s pride and stupidity.
“I can’t. You … this is all your fault. It’s all you Jensen and it’s not going
to change just because you can’t face what you are. Your mama knows. You dad
and your brother and your sister too. They don’t like you, do they Jenny? Why
is that? What is it about you? And what about Mack? You don’t see her either do
you Jenny? Why do you think your family hate you? Why don’t they trust you to
keep your legs closed? And not just your family, it’s everyone else too;
everyone knows you’re a whore. You’re a cheap, stupid slut and you can’t keep
your legs together can you babe.”
With Jensen weeping and quaking in his arms, Jared finally relaxed; his arms
and legs snaking around his lover as he let the comfort of sleep take him. The
last sound he heard before he slipped into sleep was Jen’s cell, beeping just
once as his lover gave into broken sobs.
=
The call, like the dozens of others before it, went to answer machine.
=
***** Chapter 7 *****
Patience was never a virtue Chris would lay claim to.
And right now he was pissed off, more than a little inebriated and expressing
his frustration. He hurled his phone at the door, only narrowly missing Steve
who ducked just in time. Steve looked at him accusingly and waved the beers
he’d picked up from the kitchen. “You, my friend, don’t get one. Just try and
figure why that might be.”
“He’s not picking up. I don’t know where the fuck they are hiding out and the
little fucker won’t even let me explain.”
Steve rolled his eyes.
“What? It’s not my fault some asshole stole my laptop.”
Steve said nothing, just kept on steadily looking at him.
“Fuck you, Steve! Okay I shouldn’t have had the recordings in the first place,”
Chris conceded easily.
“We’ve had this conversation. Several times. I need another drink if we’re
having it again. Or how about we skip to the end and you tell me what a scumbag
you are?” Steve eyed his beer thirstily, popping the cap and taking a big gulp.
Pure ice-cold bliss flooded his mouth and he may have moaned in pleasure. When
he opened his eyes he found Chris with his now normal hangdog expression
looking back.
“Oh have a goddamn beer and stop giving me your mopey look. It doesn’t make me
feel all gooey inside; it just makes me want to kick your face in,” he
grumbled.
Chris easily caught the thrown beer and gave himself some space when he opened
it so he wasn’t immediately drenched. “Try shaking it some more next time why
don’t you…”
Steve ignored the bitching. “He’ll talk to you. Jenny needs time to get his
head round this. Not to mention--”
“--What about me? It’s not just him and I’m on the vids too--”
This time he gave Chris the full force of his glare, and the man’s protest died
down and it was quickly replaced with the guilt-ridden expression that had
become his familiar companion over the last few weeks.
Both men knew it wasn’t the same. Yeah, Kane was on the tapes too but he’d
known about them; Jensen hadn’t. And Jenny, according to Chris, had only agreed
to a couple of the recordings in the first place. This, just by that fact
alone, made Kane an asshole of the first order. Secondly … Kane was somehow
getting sly respect for this. Like, okay he was a fag (Steve had actually heard
a guy say this) but it was like he’d done some crazy macho shit and gotten to
fuck a very pretty piece of ass out of it. Repeatedly. Most of the time he’d
been holding the camera so he wasn’t even always in focus. Jen on the other
hand …
… Jen was cast as the slut. He was always on camera, and yeah, he was the one
being fucked and somehow being the bottom made him a girl. Apparently, sexism
was alive and kicking (good to know), even if no-one was technically a girl in
this little scenario. It didn’t help that Jensen was too pretty for a guy so
already he was coming off this bad.
And also, and Chris hated this most of all, it was the whole fucking ice queen
rep people assigned to Jen. He wasn’t haughty or a conceited but just freaking
shy. Life had fucking taught him to be that way and Chris knew that. The
problem was others did not. If they didn’t know Jen people thought him as
standoffish and cold. Yup, he’d heard his share of jokes about how Kane had
gotten to fuck the frigid out of the bitch. Seeing Jensen Ackles getting fucked
and sluttishly begging for cock was a dream come true for many; it was even
better than seeing him fall from his pedestal and having his face rubbed in the
dirt.
“I’m pure scum.”
“Give him time,” Steve nodded, his tone bland, thinking they’d skipped to the
end after all.
Chris sort of resented the asshole hadn’t even tried to deny it but he knew
Steve wasn’t the sort to hold back to just protect his feelings. And he was
scum. What the hell had he been thinking? He’d hurt Jensen and he’d promised –
both Jen and himself – that he’d never do that. The last thing that he wanted
was to be another one of the assholes who saw the pretty and nothing else.
Unfortunately, after this he tipped the scales on the asshole levels. He
couldn’t help flinching at what must have gone through Jen’s mind when he found
out. It killed him to know how much he had wounded Jensen in that moment of
revelation and everything that had followed.
After such a horrible betrayal, did Jensen just need some time?
Chris considered the advice, he really did. And truthfully he could count on
the fingers of one hand how many times Steve had steered him with bad advice:
once - and that was only because Chris had not given him the full facts. He
should trust the man – he was one of the best friends he’d ever had and his
advice was solid.
Except it had been over a week now and he was sick of waiting. And it wasn’t
even about begging for forgiveness so he could feel better about himself – deep
down Chris knew he didn’t deserve it and it was something he would never allow
for himself. Yeah, people had done some pretty shitty things to Jensen in his
life but at least those others hadn’t protested their love and fealty to him
while doing it.
Chris didn’t expect clemency; he didn’t want it when he was beyond redemption.
What he needed was to make sure Jen was okay. He needed to know that if he was
ever going to move on from this mess.
And Kane had an idea. He beckoned at his friend with his fingers.
“Gimmie your phone.”
Steve lifted an eyebrow sardonically.
“Mine’s broken,” Chris waved his hand at the shattered cell scattered on the
floor innocently like it was breaking news and had nothing to do with his
earlier actions. “And I know who can help.”
Steve shook his head dubiously but dug into his pocket and handed over his
cell. “Who you gonna call?” He blinked and shook his head in embarrassment.
“Well, not the Ghostbusters,” Chris muttered. “Moron.”
==
***** Chapter 8 *****
Jared awoke with a start, with only one thought screaming in his mind:
something was wrong.
His heart was galloping as he looked down. Jensen was squirming in his arms,
mumbling unhappily in his sleep. He shifted the other man so he was more
comfortably rested in his hold and the muttering died down, but Jen didn’t
shift and his expression was miserable. His generous lips turned down into a
frown.
“Jensen?”
Nothing. He was fast asleep and mired in whatever nightmares he was suffering.
And covered in bruises. Huge dark patterns bloomed over Jen’s pale skin. Jared
gently slipped Jensen out of his hold and slid the sheets down over his naked
form, and exhaled.
Jesus fuck.
Jen’s body was painted in contusions and bites.
He’d done that.
What the fuck had he done? What the …
It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t. Jen had forced his hand. It was because of his
whoring and he’d ruined them and his …
Fuck. He’d really hurt him. That was dried blood on the sheets. And between
Jen’s thighs. And traces of Jen’s blood on his own chafed dick.
What the hell had he done? Jared buried his head in his hands when he couldn’t
look any longer.
He’d make this up to Jensen. He’d make it better. He had to.
=
For Jensen, waking up was a horribly slow process. He was dreaming, horrible,
confused dreams that left him gasping and crying and with an overwhelming sense
of dread. Panicked, he sat up suddenly in the bed and immediately regretted it.
Pain-oh-god PAIN hit hard and he gingerly slid back down, his heart beating
frantically.
He was alone, and he took what little comfort he could in that. The room was
dark so he could afford to close his eyes for a short while, just a few
minutes.
When he woke again, sunlight was streaming in through the windows and every
inch of him ached and the room was spinning. A splitting headache fought with
the pain in his ass for the winner of his biggest concerns. He closed his eyes
and tried to will himself to feel better. He needed to get dressed and he
needed to get the hell out before Jared came back. It wasn’t Jared’s fault but
he couldn’t take another … another night like that.
He’d leave and …
And.
Go where?
There was nowhere to go. Nowhere. He didn’t have anyone else.
Jared was it. He had no-one else. And Jared loved him.
He bit his lip hard. He’d gotten what he deserved. Just like his Daddy had
always said. It was with that bitter thought in his head that he closed his
eyes and let himself drift into sleep again. When he opened his eyes again it
was to the sight of Jared crouching solicitously by his head.
He recoiled. If Jared saw it, he chose to ignore the flinch.
“How are you feeling Jen?” His tone was affectionate and he reached out to
trail his fingers gently through his hair. He gave Jen a comforting smile.
Like crap, he wanted to hiss but the words stuck in his too raw bruised throat
and he groaned unhappily.
“Shush, babe, don’t try to speak. You need to rest up and get better.”
“Jay. Hurt,” he rasped. His voice so croaky he barely recognised it as his and
it hurt to swallow.
“I know babe, I know. I’ve got some painkillers for you to take but I need you
to eat first. Just a light breakfast,” he nodded to the food laden tray on the
floor beside him. Not even the coffee could stop Jensen’s stomach from turning
and he closed his eyes.
“Hey, no more sleeping Jen. I’ve got a lot to do and I need your help or I’m
never gonna get it done. After you’ve eaten we’re going to move to the other
bedroom,” the smile this time was mischievous as he glanced around the room.
“We got a little carried away last night. The bed is a mess and I want to clean
you up, babe.”
=
Dutifully he choked down some of the orange juice; anything else felt like
razor blades in his throat. He didn’t even want that but Jared’s attention
never wavered as he patiently fed him.
The drugs – Jensen didn’t know what they were – he swallowed gratefully. It
numbed the pain and it helped him when Jared slid down the sheets to expose
him. He looked at Jensen like he was something special and beautiful and there
were tears in his eyes. Jensen watched him, detached and removed and not
understanding what was wrong with Jay. He watched as the larger man gently
cleansed him with a damp cloth, taking his time and not rushing as if he was
restoring a piece of art. As gentle as Jared was it hurt and Jensen bit his lip
when Jared slid the cloth between his thighs. He didn’t want Jared touching him
anywhere but especially not there.
Jared took his time cleaning him and Jensen held his breath, terrified and
trying to watch closely, too scared to look away. But he was so tired again and
his limbs felt heavy with exhaustion and Jared continued; gentle and almost
clinical in his attentions.
“I thought about taking you into the shower but I don’t think you’re in any
condition to face that.” Jared smiled up at him warmly, almost proudly.
When he was done he scooped Jensen up into his arms and carried him into the
second bedroom, gently depositing him on top of the bed. For a moment Jensen
flashed back to an earlier happier time, when he’d moved in with him and Jared
had easily hoisted him into his arms and jokingly carried him over the
threshold. Except he hadn’t really been kidding around, Jensen knew if it were
possible – not just legally but acceptable in the eyes of everyone that
mattered to them, then the taller man would have married him for real. There
was no laughter this time but he could see the love clearly in Jared’s hazel
eyes. Maybe that hadn’t changed and last night was an aberration, not the real
man he loved. Jared stretched out next to him, perched on his side so he could
watch him. It felt wrong to Jensen, being naked under Jared’s scrutiny while
the other man was fully dressed and he itched to cover himself.
“I love you Jen. I know this is a huge set back but I love you. Never doubt
that babe.” His hand trailed down Jen’s chest, teasing his nipples in turn,
pinching them into hard peaks. “So responsive, babe. You love being touched
don’t you?” He didn’t wait for a response. He sucked noisily on one nipple as
his hand trailed down to Jen’s soft cock and Jensen knew it didn’t matter what
Jared did; there was no way he could get hard.
“Jay?”
Jared roughly tugged at his nipple between his teeth before releasing it with
one last wet suck, before kissing him gently on the lips. “Yes babe?”
Jensen could feel the spit cooling on his chest and shuddered. “I need more
tablets. Please Jared. Please let me have more.”
=
Over the next week he slept on and off while Jared pottered around tending to
him or taking phone calls. At one point Jensen awoke from feverish disturbed
dreams that made him cry out, to find Jared staring at him impassively from a
seat near the bed.
Jensen swallowed nervously, willing Jared to speak or at least look away. That
steady surveying look he was giving him was speeding up his uneasiness. There
was no hint of emotion from the other man.
“Jay?” his eyes were directed to the cell phone lying in Jared’s hands.
“Kripke called. The networks not cancelling. This season anyway.”
The ‘Thank God’ flittered momentarily through Jensen’s mind and then he thought
about facing the rest of the cast and the crew and that little happiness died
away. He talked to most of the guys on set – knew most of their wives and
husbands and kids names too – and maybe they weren’t best buds but it was
friendly enough. The realisation he’d have to face these people again, these
people who’d probably witnessed him taking it up the ass like a pro, sickened
him. Would there be snide comments, or would they just ignore him and wait for
him to leave before they cracked jokes about him? And suddenly he didn’t want
to know what these people he’d grown to like and respect would have in their
heads when they looked at him. If it was anything like the thoughts he had in
his own he didn’t want to know.
Jared wasn’t finished. He grimaced and Jensen’s heart sank. There was more, of
course there was more.
“But congratulations, Jenny; you’re fired. Effective immediately.”
==
The next couple of days were much the same, passing in a haze of waking
nightmares and stilted conversations with Jared. He popped the pills like they
were candy and slid into not so peaceful slumbers. Most of the time Jensen was
out of it, for which he was eternally grateful, and when he dreamed – and he
did that a lot – he didn’t remember them but they left him unsettled, eating
away at his calm and making it impossible to focus. It’s the drugs, they were
screwing with him but he can’t stop taking them. It was a relief of sorts.
Mostly, it stopped him from thinking about the mess their lives were. He could
forget, for a while, everything from the tapes to the fact that he is
practically unemployable. Oh sure, the firing wasn’t quite so immediate: Kripke
wanted him back for one more scene – his death scene. Actually, not even that.
No, he had to go back and face all that humiliation he’s brought on himself to
die off-camera. They only wanted him to pose dead on camera for Sam Winchester
to mourn over.
And then for Sam to salt and burn.
This time, there would be no salvation. No resurrection.
The message was loud and clear.
Dean Winchester had been an iconic character, and over the years nothing had
killed him – permanently. Not demons or monsters or a neglectful childhood. No,
his eventual and final cause of death (via an off-screen mishap with a drunken
driver) would be none other than Jensen Ackles.
Jared was excited about the new direction the storyline was taking. ‘Time for
some fresh blood’ he’d told Jensen, and it was a good opportunity for the actor
they’d already cast to play boy demon and Sam’s new companion; from the start
he’d be linked to the soul of the late departed Dean Winchester. Possibly even
be Dean Winchester but in a brand new non-porn-starring meat suit.
It killed him they’d already cast the role. Jared had eagerly told him all
about it. Some pretty boy actor in his early twenties called ... damn. Jensen
couldn’t remember. Strange that. He couldn’t retain anything. Jared would tell
him something and he’d nod and say yes, he understood, even parroting the words
back and the next instant when he was alone there’d be nothing. Just vast
emptiness and confusion.
But anyway, Jared was being sweet with him - by and large. And hadn’t made any
demands on him, though he was growing impatient.
Just a few short months and he’d be shooting his very last scene as Dean
Winchester, before Sam Winchester started a new story line with the boy demon.
After that, he’d never work again. He’d lost his family years ago and his
friends – fucking hell, his friends. How could he ever face them again? He’d
have Jared, just Jared, who hated and resented him and with good cause. He
closed his eyes and swallowed. He’d always known his parents disliked him - as
painful as that truth was and Josh had never had much time for him. Mack,
though, Mack he hoped to have a chance with so he’d reached out to her. Jensen
swallowed heavily. Jared had been right, just like the others she’d wanted
nothing to do with him. Had told him he meant nothing to her. The words had
gutted him then and they still did. What kind of man was he that his family
could hate him so much? All he had was Jared. That was it. And the thought that
Jared might want him gone one day was more than he could cope with and it
chilled him to the bone.
Now, without Jared, he would have nothing.
=
One morning, finally, Jared kicked him out of bed – not literally – but he told
him firmly it was time to get back on his own two feet.
“Quit being a lazy assed fucker, Jen, and start pulling your weight,” was
actually how Jared put it.
He shoved Jensen into the larger bedroom and he was confronted with the mess of
their last coupling. He was still stiff and sore and he had no strength to even
pretend to put up a fight. He simply found himself propelled forward
helplessly.
The room was a scene of devastation. Splatters of blood and semen soaked sheets
on the floor, furniture overturned and the room stinking of stale sex.
It had been four days since he’d last been in this room. He’d been … in this
room and Jared had …
Jensen shuddered.
==
It took a while to clear up but it did give Jensen some time to think. Mostly
about potential careers now that acting was off the table and he was
effectively unemployable. He rubbed the grime of his hands and mused about what
few options he had left. Well he had spent the last two hours mopping up blood
and semen; maybe he could take up a career cleaning up crime scenes. Jared
could vouch for him. For some reason that thought made him laugh so hard he
fell on the floor, gasping for breath.
Funny.
When Jared walked in he picked him up and shook him roughly. Jensen tried to
relay what was so funny but he was laughing so hard he was crying and he could
barely gasp the words out, and by the time he did calm down he couldn’t
remember what had set him off. Instead, he pushed himself out of Jared’s grip
and he hunkered down on the floor, hugging his knees close to his chest and
begged for some tablets. He could still feel Jared’s touch on him as it had
been seared onto his skin.
“What’s wrong with you? You’re shaking.”
At first he didn’t know what Jared was talking about and was surprised to
realise he was shivering. “I’m cold,” he lied. He didn’t feel anything apart
from dirty.
Jared stared at him strangely and got down on the floor with him, reaching out
those thick muscled arms and held him close. Holding him so tight that Jensen
felt powerless in him arms. He didn’t like it. He tried to move back and away
but Jared resisted his attempts and shifted him so that he sat cradled in the
larger man’s lap.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jared wanted to tell him. I’ll never hurt you again I
promise I promise. He opened his mouth to say the words, felt his throat move
and all he could say was …
Nothing.
“No more tablets. Not for a while okay, babe.”
At night, with Jared spooning him in bed, Jensen thought about those pills and
wondered obsessively how many Jared had left. If there would be enough to end
everything.
He stopped himself, not sure what he was thinking but terrified. Sleep didn’t
come easy that night.
=
Jared was extra solicitous after that day. Following him around and offering
soft smiles whenever he spoke. A couple of times he even stopped himself from
reaching out and tugging Jensen into a hug. Jensen didn’t think it was because
of the flinching. He was getting a lot better at masking his uneasiness.
Jared hadn’t even attempted to touch him sexually again since that time. And
Jensen was grateful for that. He really was. It carried on like that for a
couple of days until Jensen had to go and ruin it. “How long are we staying
here, Jared?”
Jared peered at him over his newspaper. He took a sip of his coffee before he
answered. “You in a hurry to get back to someone?”
It wasn’t an innocent question and Jensen flushed at the clear accusation.
“No.”
“What then? You think several weeks’ absence and this will have all blown
over?” Jared’s voice rose, increasing in sarcasm and anger. By contrast,
Jensen’s got softer, and he was almost whispering back.
“No. I’m--”
“So, what is it - ready for your next porn feature? It’s the only fucking job
you’ll be able to get.”
Jensen took a deep breath, willing himself to speak clearly. “Jared, I just
want to talk to my friends. Please. You’ve taken my phone and I haven’t spoken
to anyone in weeks and you won’t let me leave the house.”
If he had to stare at those same walls for another day Jensen was going to go
crazy. Jared left occasionally, on errands and always with strict instructions
that Jensen should stay hidden inside. Jen would hear the jangle of the keys as
Jared locked the front door and him inside. He ached to test the lock, and
would reach out to touch it but each time terror swept through him at the very
thought that Jared might be waiting outside, waiting for him to disobey him so
he could punish him. The windows were nailed down and prevented any escape.
Jared had found him a prison.
Jared cocked his head to one side. “Now which friend would that be, Jenny?” It
was obvious that Jen had pissed off Jared. From the start, Jared had taken
Jen’s cell and he didn’t want to relinquish it now. “Why? Who do you need to
talk to? Or maybe,” he sneered, “you need to hear lover boys’ voice again. Is
that it Jenny? Missing your boyfriends’ voice?”
Jensen shook his head, shamefaced. “I want to call my family. They left
messages Jay-”
“And once again, you show how dumb you are. Do you really, you stupid fuck,
think they want to hear from you? Marcus contacted them. Updated them on the
situation and they agree with our plans. And they don’t want to speak to you.
They told me that. You’ve shamed them just the way you’ve shamed me. Proved to
them what a fucking deviant you are like they always knew. Proved to them that
you’re a whore who tempts good men … into touching you and then pretends you
didn’t want it.”
It hurt, every goddamned time Jared touched on his past it was like being
gutted. Jensen winced visibly. “Please don’t say that.”
“I’m just trying to protect you Jensen but you’re too goddamned dumb to realise
that. People hate you. You’re a fucking joke. You think it’s all going to go
away if you go back into the limelight? Do you really believe that, you dumb
shit?”
=
In the evening, Jensen heard his cell ring and he actually started; standing
up, ready to pick it up from the coffee table in front of Jared.
Jared shot him a look that stilled him instantly. Jensen ducked his head.
“Pick it up, Jensen.” He stared in shock at Jared who was meeting his gaze
coolly. “Then hand it to me and go wait in the bedroom.”
Jensen was trembling when he handed it over. Chris. Chris’s name was flashing
up on the screen and he flushed as he passed it to Jared, practically dropping
it into the giant outstretched paw and beating a hasty retreat to the bedroom.
He heard Jared answer: “What can I do for you, Kane?” and slammed the door
behind him.
***** Chapter 9 *****
That night in bed Jensen could feel Jared’s erection digging into his back.
Jared shifted, moaning, and shifted again, rubbing himself against Jensen, his
movements getting more frantic. His hands snuck around the smaller man’s waist
and he pulled down his boxers, tugging them down over his cheeks. Jared moved
again, this time to pull down his own underwear before getting back into place,
his naked erection burning against Jensen’s bared flesh. Skin on skin; the
exposed contact made Jensen’s skin crawl.
He bit his lip, stifling his panic.
A large hand reached round to stroke him and this time he did speak. “No. I
can’t.” Get hard he meant. “Just do it Jared.” He was giving permission so he
couldn’t understand why tears were rolling down his face as Jared gently
prodded his hole. He couldn’t stop the painful gasps from escaping and Jared
paused momentarily.
“Still sore?”
“No.”
“Jen,” Jared sighed with only a hint of reprimand but it was enough.
“Maybe a little.” Who the hell was he kidding? The tentative touches were
agonising and Jared had to be able to tell from how tense he was. His muscles
were screaming with the effort it took not to flinch away.
Jared slipped in a fingertip, dry, and Jensen bit his lip hard. Don’t panic, he
told himself, don’t panic.
“It’s been days. I can’t believe you haven’t healed yet. And I need to fuck,
Jenny. I’m so hard.” He slithered his finger in deeper, and thrust his cock
against Jensen’s backside letting out a long pleasure filled moan. “Gonna go
crazy if I can’t stick it in you.”
Jared didn’t sound pissed off, just horny, and Jensen didn’t want to risk
changing that.
“If you.” Jensen took a deep breath and tried again. “You can fuck me if you
want, Jay.”
He could practically hear the smile in the man’s response. “Mmmm so good to me
baby. I’m going to make you feel so good when I cum inside you,” the finger
slid out quickly and it, with two others, found Jensen’s lips. “Open up wide.
Get me nice and wet.” Jensen sucked the three fingers pushed into his mouth,
lathing them with as much spit as he could.
It would hurt. He knew that much, and with as large as Jared was there was
always room for generous amounts of lube. He almost screamed when Jared slid
the three spit slicked fingers into him and that was nothing compared with what
was coming. He’d flinched, trying to get away but Jared held on to him, digging
his fingers in to prevent escape.
“Shhh, calm down, Jenny. Calm the fuck down.” But Jared must have lost patience
because he flipped him on to his front, burying Jen’s face in the pillow and
muffling his cries as he raised his hips. Jared took his time, sliding his cock
between Jensen’s cheeks, just letting his cockhead catch on the rim, again and
again and teasing himself before he finally thrust in, the spit having long
gone dry.
Jensen was blinded with pain.
When he was done Jared turned him over, kissing his sweaty brow, and tasting
the smeared tears from his cheeks and his lips. As he fell asleep, Jensen lay
awake, tucked up close to an affectionate and happy boyfriend as the larger
man’s cum leaked out of him.
==
The next day he awoke with a start; someone was hammering at the front door. It
was early, maybe not even five yet. Jensen tried to move but hurt flared
through him and he collapsed back on to the bed, holding his middle.
Jared was up, dressing, pulling on a pair of discarded jeans from the floor and
a t-shirt from the closet. “Stay the fuck put,” he yawned, not even looking
Jensen, so sure his orders would be followed. He stomped out of the bedroom,
closing the door shut behind him.
It took a while but Jensen shuffled awkwardly off the bed and cracked open the
door. For some reason hope filled him, and he watched as Jared flung open the
front door which obscured both him and his visitor.
No one moved. And Jensen allowed himself some hope, thinking back to the
previous night and Chris’ call. Maybe it was …
Well, shit.
Chad.
It was fucking Chad. He watched as he was swept up into Jay’s embrace as they
hugged. Chad hated him. Never ceased trying to undermine their relationship and
constantly calling him ‘Jenny’ or ‘pretty boy’ (like the asshole could talk)
and that had been during the good times. The guy probably loved this turn of
events.
Jensen softly closed the door.
==
He cleaned up and sat on the bed, not sure if Jared would want him in the same
room with ‘polite’ company. He looked semi-decent even if the clean pair of
jeans he’d pulled on were so loose he’d thought for a moment he was wearing
Jared’s. It was with no little shock he realised how much weight he’d lost
recently. He bit his lip, worrying away at it and knowing that he was behaving
like a freak by hiding out. But … the thought of someone other than Jared
seeing and speaking to him scared him – and this was Chad. Jared had warned him
to stay in the room – if he wanted him out there with him he’d call him,
wouldn’t he?
Eventually, though, his interest peaked enough to crack open the bedroom door.
They were talking; low soft murmurs as they sipped on beers despite the early
hour and he had to strain to hear them.
“…colour me surprised. The moment I laid eyes on that bitch what did I tell
you? I told you he’d be a fucking slut.” Even though it was expected from Chad,
Jensen winced.
“Chad.” It was merely one word from Jared but the gentle admonishment was
clear.
“Don’t Chad me. I warned you about that slut, didn’t I? Told you from the start
the Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes act was fake as fuck.”
“Well congratulations on being right. You want a medal, asshole? He … I don’t
know Chad. I’m so pissed I could kill him. But I still love him. I … I just
don’t get how he could do this to me. What’s everyone saying?”
“Don’t worry Jay-Pad. Everyone knows you’re the innocent party in this. You’re
not the first guy to be taken in by a pretty piece of ass. Or the last.”
“Yeah, well I don’t need the pity and it doesn’t mean I’ll work again.”
“It’s not pity, Jared, this isn’t your fault. And you will get work. It’s his
cheating ass you should be worried about. He’s over – you think anyone is going
to hire him? He’s mainstream news: the little bitch is everyone’s favourite
punchline. If you dump his ass he’ll be lucky to get a street corner. And no
one would blame you if you did Jared. If he was cheating on you all this time
then--”
No! That wasn’t true and Jensen couldn’t afford to let his lover believe that
lie; he could barely tolerate him as it was. He stumbled out of the room. “I
didn’t. Jared, I didn’t cheat on you!”
Both men looked up in surprise. Chad’s look was tempered with an almost cool
appraisal. There was something in his eyes that confused Jensen but it was gone
before he could identify it. Chad shut down and looked away from him like he
was a mild irritation that could be ignored.
Jared was deceptively calm. “Get back in bed Jensen and I’ll get you your
pills.” Anger crackled out of every one of Jared’s pores and Jensen stumbled
backwards. He was suddenly sure Jared would kill him for this. Jensen looked up
desperately at Chad, but the shorter man was looking anywhere but at him.
“Is he always this bad?”
“He needs the pills. They calm him down. He’s not coping well with all of
this.”
“I bet he isn’t,” Chad sneered back, still not even bothering to glance at him.
Jared gripped Jensen’s arm and frogmarched him back into the bedroom. He threw
him down roughly on to the bed. He spoke quietly. “You can’t quit embarrassing
me, can you?”
Jensen shook his head; he had to make him understand. “I wasn’t cheating on
you. Tell me you believe me. This thing with Chris – this thing--” Jared moved
so suddenly Jensen flinched and scampered backwards on the bed.
“I am sick of hearing your voice. Just shut your goddamn mouth or I’ll shut it
for you,” he threatened. He reached into a drawer and grabbed some pills from a
bottle and advanced on Jensen. “Take these.”
Jensen shook his head.
“You stupid little bitch,” Jared sneered, clearly frustrated. He leapt onto the
bed, straddling Jensen and gripped his face and forced open his mouth. Jensen
moaned as the pills were pushed past his lips onto his tongue. Jared smiled,
pushing one large hand over his mouth and nose and forcing him to swallow. “You
keep it down or I’ll give you something to regret when he leaves,” he
whispered.
Jensen nodded, hoping it would be enough to get Jared off but the other man
stayed there, straddling his hips until the drugs kicked in and Jensen felt the
pull of sleep overwhelm him.
==
Jared must have doubled the dose because the next thing Jensen knew it was
night-time again and someone was touching him, gently wiping his face with a
damp cloth. He shook them off and fell into an almost slumber when whoever the
asshole was touching him, started shaking him.
“Wake the fuck up, we don’t have that much time.” Whoever it was sounded
stressed.
“Wha--” He looked around, not understanding what the hell was happening.
Someone was gripping his shoulders and shaking him but his head felt too muzzy.
“Quit shaking me!”
He opened his eyes and found Chad staring back at him, all wide-eyed and sweaty
and pissed-off looking.
“Halle-fucking-lulah. It wakes.”
“Get off me Murray,” he said or tried to say but Chad shook his head.
“Dude you’re not making much sense. Get the fuck up and come with me.”
“Don’t touch me,” Jensen tried to scoot back. “Jay will… please don’t.” Chad’s
expression softened.
“C’mon dude, I’m taking you out of here. Away from Jared.”
He had to be out of his freaking mind. Chad was making no sense. “Jared.
He’ll.” Terror swept through Jensen and he cast his gaze frantically about the
room. Chad must have noticed because when he spoke again his tone softened
further.
“I slipped him something in his drink - you don’t want to know what - and there
is nothing in the world that is going to wake him up for the next couple of
hours. But right now you’ve got to get up and help me get you the hell out of
here.”
Jensen didn’t understand but he shuffled off the bed and onto his feet. Chad
helped pull him up and keep him there. He followed as Chad dragged him
somewhere, blocking out everything as he kept his eyes steadily on the door.
==
Thirty minutes later and Chad waited in the car, tapping the steering wheel
frantically. Jensen was conked out in the back seat partially hidden under
blankets, and yeah, it would have been more comfortable to wait in the house
but there was nothing in the world that would make him step foot back into that
place. He was shaking, still in shock he realised.
He was so engrossed in his thoughts he didn’t notice he had company until a car
pulled up next to him and the driver stepped out. Finally! He got out quickly,
forestalling the other driver from stepping any closer. If he saw Jensen … He
threw the keys at him, and the other man caught them easily and stayed where he
was. Chad nodded at the house. “He’s all yours.”
“Is--?” he made a furtive gesture towards Chad’s car and a chill swept through
him.
He stepped forward, effectively blocking the other man. “Not now. Later.”
Chad didn’t wait for him to respond, didn’t even wait to see if he walked into
the house. He could not afford for him to see Jensen like this, and he didn’t
want any awkward questions that might add fuel to the fire and result in things
going a little too far. Not now, not when it could push him over the edge. Not
when he wasn’t even sure he cared if things did go too far.
He sped away, and it wasn’t until he was halfway out of the drive that he cast
a look back in the rear-view mirror. The man had watched him drive away, not
moving, and still clasping the keys. He turned away now though, as if aware of
Chad watching and strode purposefully towards the house.
Chad swore under his breath.
He really hoped Kane didn’t kill Jared.
==
Jensen blinked a couple of times. He was sore and stiff and in pain but that
was normal for him these days. What normal didn’t include was waking up next to
Chad. Just to be sure he blinked again and –
Yup. He was in a car and Chad was still there. Driving, like it was normal.
Apart from a fleeting glance, Chad kept his eyes on the road like it was
business as usual. “How you feeling?”
There wasn’t one part of Jensen’s body that didn’t hurt, and sitting in the
passenger seat next to Chad helped top this as one of the more surreal moments
in his life. He flashed back to being dragged out of the house by Chad and that
helped a bit with the chain of events. “Just peachy.”
Chad smirked at the sarcasm. “We’ll be stopping soon. Get a room and you can
get some real rest. And a big drink Jenny-boy for that sore throat of yours.”
“How long was I sleeping?”
“Not enough,” Chad told him straight. “A couple of hours. You were out of it
enough not to wake up when I moved you into the passenger seat.” That earned
him a look. “I got lonely up here driving by myself okay?” Plus, he’d been half
out his mind that Jensen wasn’t breathing. “Man, you look like you haven’t had
enough sleep or food for months.”
Jensen ignored the implied concern and pushed past his exhaustion. The mystery
was driving him crazy. “What is this, Chad?”
The smile was gone from Chad’s profile and he shook his head slowly as if he
was really considering the question. Finally he shook his shoulders and softly
admitted, “Damned if I know.”
“Then tell me why you’re doing this – helping me? You don’t even like me.”
Chad shot him a mildly surprised glance, tinged with guilt. “Yeah, I guess it
comes across that way.” He paused, as if wanting to choose his words carefully.
“It was never you - I didn’t like Jared being with you.” It’s the wrong thing
to say and he saw that immediately; Jensen’s hackles rise fast so he quickly
added more: “Not because of you. Well, kind of because of you but only because
Jared was crazy about you. The way he looked at you, the way he talked about
you … it was wrong. Right from the get go. It was off … and it scared the hell
out of me. He was different when he was with you – hell, when he just talked
about you. He … he’d been my best friend for a decade, and I loved that guy.
But I didn’t like him when he was with you. He wasn’t the same.”
He cast Jensen a quick look as he was sinking into his seat, looking profoundly
uncomfortable. Jensen didn’t get it and Chad was frustrated that he couldn’t
explain his unease was clearly aimed at Jared. “It’s not you, Jensen. It’s
Jared. He was … fanatical … about you. It scared the shit out of me. And it’s
not your fault, that’s not what I’m saying.”
Jensen didn’t like Chad’s usage of past tense: ‘been my best friend’, ‘I
loved’. What the hell? It was as if Chad had decided to cut all ties with Jared
and it scared him how much Chad actually knew.
He closed his eyes and let the next couple of hours pass in silence.
==
Kane slumped in the armchair. It was a waiting game now and after the last day
and a half the sudden calm was unnerving.
His muscles ached and it was little surprise; for the last 30 hours he’d been
running on pure adrenalin, holding his anxiety in and doing his best not to
panic. After speaking to Jared he’d not had a moment’s peace; he’d called in
favours and just did what he could with only one goal in mind; to track down
Jensen and get him away from that fucker.
Right now that panic was catching up with him but he wasn’t crashing the way he
expected. He’d pulled all-nighters before, hell, he’d once spent a mad four
days without sleep on a pretty spectacular extended drinking binge (best long
weekend of his fucking life), and by the time he was through his friends had to
scrape him off the floor and pour him into bed. But this was different and as
exhausted as he was, he wasn’t done yet. He couldn’t relax until he’d seen this
through to the bitter end. A small part of him hoped it would help with the
debt he owed Jenny, not that he ever expected to make full amends for his screw
up.
In the meantime he watched Padalecki sleep off whatever drugs Murray had fed
him. They’d been effective and Padalecki had gone down fast and hard, and
Murray had left him in an ungainly heap on the floor where he’d dropped. He was
gonna have a hell of a full body ache when he woke. On the way down he’d hit
the floor hard and there was a faint trickle of blood on his temple. Not a
major injury though, mores the pity.
The son of a bitch was still breathing after all.
Kane took a sip of beer and stared at the bottle. First alcohol he’d had in
that time too. He hadn’t realised how badly he needed a drink. Later, after
this was over, he was going to drink himself into oblivion.
Jared didn’t stir once. Like this, it was easy to read in his face the man Kane
thought he knew. Loud, goofy, good natured, and crazy about Jensen. Crazy in
all the right ways too - meaning he put Jenny on a pedestal and worshipped him.
Yeah, he’d been a little obsessive in any perceived threat to the man, but
Chris had always privately sided with Jared on that: Jensen, no matter what he
thought, needed guarding. After the bullshit his family pulled it didn’t hurt
to see Jen treated kindly for once, and he’d seen first-hand how the younger
man’s unearthly beauty affected others. Hell, the world was full of assholes.
Waiting didn’t come easy to Chris, he wasn’t a patient man (more like a
stubborn asshole, Jensen would argue), but now it gave him an opportunity to
think. For years now he’d been watching over Jenny with only one rule in mind:
no one was allowed to hurt him.
Overall, it was an epic fail – and his own hypocrisy only added fuel to his
anger. He’d fucked up, and then fucked up further by trusting Jared to do the
right thing and because of that Jensen had been alone with the monster for
nearly a month. It was his guilt and misplaced trust that had granted Jared
time to abuse Jensen. Sure, he had concerns before, but the touch paper had
been well and truly lit after he’d heard Padalecki boasting, making it clear he
was punishing Jensen, that he was ‘beating sense into the bitch’.
He winced, thinking about how Padalecki had laughed, taunting him. Joking he
could barely lift a finger without Jensen flinching. That he’d make sure Jensen
never saw Chris again because he’d be too damned scared to defy him.
It had taken that - Padalecki’s poisonous bile - to spur him into action. All
of which went to show he was a poor ass excuse of a friend; especially when
considered next to Murray. Chad had been too easy to draft in to help. And
wasn’t that the kicker? Jared’s friend had grasped the risks quickly and had
been even quicker to come up with a plan. Who the hell knew he’d turn out to be
a better friend to Jensen than Chris?
Well, maybe the entire damned universe.
For one, Murray didn’t own a private collection of voyeuristic Jensen porn and
then been negligent enough to leave it lying around for the first grubby thief
to steal and upload. Hell, by any measure Kane was a crappy friend.
It took another couple of hours before Padalecki finally moved, groaning
piteously. It wasn’t enough; he was too out of it, he wanted the bastard wide
awake and he would wait patiently for him to clear his head. Kane needed him
fully conscious when he beat the living shit out of him. More importantly he
needed the bastard healthy enough to hit back just as hard. Neither of them
deserved anything less.
Jared looked up, staring at him from the floor, his confusion all too clear. He
blinked slowly and looked around clearly searching. “Jenny,” he slurred, “wha’
you done, you bitch?”
Rage, red hot and bitter, swept through Kane. It was show time.
Chris hunkered down so he was nearly eye level with Jared, grinning evilly all
the while. “Jenny’s gone. Sorry he didn’t stick around to say fuck you forever
but he was too busy escaping your sorry ass. Now, get some sleep, Jared. I need
you good and rested before I kick your ass.”
Jared’s eyes rolled back and he fell into an exhausted sleep.
That was fine by Chris. For now he could wait. He had time.
==
On the long, never-ending drive with Chad, Jensen barely spoke. He didn’t even
know where Murray was taking him but they’d already been on the road for days.
In the meantime he let himself be manoeuvred back and forth from the car and
shabby motel rooms and tried to eat whatever was put in front of him. Each time
Chad shoved huge amounts of food and drink at him, Jensen tried to contain the
nausea caused by the sheer volume. He did his best, if only to get that worried
look of Chad’s face.
Chad took his silence as an invite to talk incessantly about the weather and
other crap, but after a while he dug deeper, talking about his family (a dad
who did his best, no siblings and douche bag mother who hightailed it out of
his life so fast she barely left a dust trail behind her. Maybe it was
something in the genes, Jensen had wondered silently). He bitched about his
career, how he was frustrated at the lack of good roles out there, not that he
was in any doubt about his limitations as an actor. He confessed he always been
a little envious of Jensen, and saw in him the potential to be a great actor –
maybe not the most famous, but one who would have a good solid career he could
be proud of. Well, his name had made most of the nationals so he figured maybe
Chad had been wrong about the ‘fame’ thing.
It took a couple of days before the lack of direction finally got to Jensen -
he wasn’t even sure where they were heading. Tired and cranky, he snapped why
they didn’t fly wherever the hell Chad was taking him and Chad snorted by way
of answer: “You’re infamous, Jenny-boy; your pretty face has been headlining
for weeks. If we walk into an airport there’ll be media frenzy - and they won’t
be there for me.” Another long glance at him. “I don’t think that’s a good idea
right now.”
This in itself, ranked as the biggest understatement of the year. Flying under
the radar had never been so attractive. Still, it shocked him to think there
was still so much interest in him. He’d been hoping Lohan had done her best to
knock him out of the spotlight. Wasn’t she due another stint in rehab?
In the meantime, Chad was doing his best to mess with his head; buying him
clothes so he’d have something clean to wear and sidestepping his kindness with
a casual: “It’s that or have you stink up the car.” One thing Chad did stint on
was the motel room he’d book them into. A double with two queens. It was way
too reminiscent of the show and it made Jensen queasy each time he stepped foot
into the rooms and part of him wanted to rub his eyes and see if this was
actually real. But he got why Chad needed to keep an eye on him. It should have
been uncomfortable but nine times out of ten he fell asleep the instant his
head hit the pillow. In fact, he pretty much spent most of the day sleeping in
the car as Chad drove (and drove and drove).
He almost felt sorry for the guy. Hell, he did feel sorry for him. And that was
a hell of a turnabout considering that he’d barely tolerated the guy before.
The feeling had been mutual though, and he knew Chad had bitched about him to
Jared because it has pissed Jared off at times.
==
One night, Jensen had lain awake in his bed, listening to Chad in the bed next
to his blather on about random crap. He was getting worked up about something
but Jensen would be hard pushed to say what exactly that was. The problem with
Chad was that he needed an outlet for his brand of crazy and if he didn’t get
it he would talk until ears in the immediate vicinity bled.
Crazy, slightly unhinged Chad, who until this would be the last person Jensen
thought could be relied upon. Crazy, slightly unhinged Chad who, despite what
he said, didn’t really like him but had salvaged whatever was left of him.
Jensen lay still and made a conscious effort to listen--
“The dumb son of a bitch then tells me I should--”
-- but he was hopelessly lost.
“Chad.”
The resulting silence was immediate. Suddenly the room was too quiet and Jensen
swore he could hear his heartbeat – and maybe Chad’s too – pounding in away in
the dead of the night and the motel room. He wonders if he’s been pretty damned
non-verbal on this journey, and that any noise from him would naturally grab
Chad’s attention. It only surprised him that Chad would notice.
“Yeah?” The tone was soft and hesitant.
There were no adequate words. Jensen knew that so he kept it simple. “Thank
you.”
Chad was oddly quiet after that and Jensen thought he heard a sniffle or two.
“You’re welcome, Jensen.” It was strangely touching and Jensen’s affection for
the other man grew. Of course, Chad had to spoil it.
“How’d you find us anyway?” Him and Jared he meant.
“I’m a resourceful kind of guy. And, yeah, sore subject I know, but it was
Chris who called me up all worried about you--”
“Wait.” What the hell? “Chris?”
“Yes, Chris.”
Maybe he meant someone else. “Chris who?”
“Chris Kane.”
“Chris as in Christian Kane?” Chris wasn’t close to Chad. It had to be some
other guy. Right?
“Yes. This story is going to take an eternity if you keep interrupting and
asking the same goddamn question. Are we done? Okay. Yeah, Chris, sorry,
Christian fucking Kane calls and casually drops into the conversation the whole
radio silence thing with you not being ‘allowed’ to see him. And, what the
fuck? I mean ...what the fuck was that? Did none of you worry about the
craziness of that shit?”
Chad gave him a look but Jensen said nothing and looked away. Chad sighed,
“Anyway, he kept calling your cell until Jared picked up. He said … stuff that
scared the shit out of Chris and before you ask; no. I have no fucking clue
what Padalecki said but it was enough to get alarm bells ringing.” More like
thundering. Enough to have Kane fly over so he could beat the shit out of
Padalecki too, Chad didn’t add. Luckily, Jensen had no idea of that.
“Wait. Chris. You and Chris?” Jensen had clearly heard Chad. He could even
parrot back the exact order of the words if he had to. It was just that they
made no sense.
“Yeah. We talk. We talk without you even being in the room. We talk and
sometimes – this may blow your mind – without mentioning you guys. It’s as if
we exist as people without you even being there. Get over it.” It was the exact
sneering tone of Chad’s that Jensen disliked.
“Fine, you and Kane are best buds. Fuck I care?”
“Well shit Ackles, it’s so touching when you get all sentimental on me, you big
girl. Anymore questions?”
“Chris called you,” Jensen repeated, almost like he was savouring the words,
figuring them out in his mind. “Does that mean he has your cell number?” he
asked incredulously.
“Kill me now.”
==
Another day, another stretch of road endlessly lying before them.
Chad used the time to explain the sequence of events: Chris, shit scared about
something called Chad. Chad called Kripke who was panicking – upset that Jensen
was refusing to speak to anyone and had just ‘gone and resigned his sorry ass
on me, the little fucker’ and that Jared had taken him and they’d both
disappeared off the face of the earth. From there it was a call to Marcus –
whose arm hadn’t needed much twisting to reveal their location. Marcus wasn’t
happy – Jared was ‘off’ and not listening to any advice he was giving, and he’d
been more than happy to reveal their whereabouts so ‘someone can talk some
sense into that giant moron’s head’.
“He … Jared told me I was fired.” It was a relief to hear that Kripke’s
automatic setting hadn’t been to drop him after all.
Chad hissed, “Son of a bitch.” He’d wondered just how long Jared had been
manipulating Jensen.
Jensen resisted snarking Marcus must have been desperate if he was relying on
Chad. Besides, present circumstances pretty much bore that out as a lie.
Instead, he bit his lip and thought about Kripke and his supposed resignation.
Even if Jared had lied it was only a matter of time before he was sacked
anyway.
Chad used the silence to bring up Chris.
“He screwed up. He knows that.” Jensen didn’t have to ask who Chad was talking
about. “Well?” Chad continued.
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
“He did a shitty thing, man, I get that. I’d be pissed as hell too if I were
you.”
“Don’t.” By which he meant: please shut the hell up.
But Chad was relentless in his efforts to defend Chris. “I know you Jensen.
You’re a good man and forgiveness is a big deal for you. All that Christian
crap, right? Not that I’m saying you have to forgive everyone.” He looked at
Jensen darkly. “But when someone screws up and it’s not malicious, and they’re
genuinely sorry? Well. That counts for something, right? And he’s a good
friend. Our next pit stop, what about you grabbing some snacks and I’ll call
him. You could talk to him too; I know he’d like to hear from you.”
What Jensen really wanted was for Chad to shut the hell up. So he pretended not
to have heard. It took over half an hour for Chad to explode.
“You are an ungrateful piece of shit. Chris is the reason I saved your sorry
ass.”
Jensen shot him a look clearly conveying what an idiot he thought Chad was.
“He’s the goddamn reason I needed saving.”
“Oh face the goddamn facts; you and Jared do not have a healthy relationship.
Me having to help your damsel in peril ass pretty much proves that. And really?
You let Jared ban you from seeing Kane? How was that normal? What the hell was
going through that pretty head of yours?”
“It didn’t … it didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. And Jay was right--”
“NO!” Chad exploded. “Nothing he’s been doing is right.” Chad took a couple of
calming breaths, visibly upset. “He … I loved the guy like a brother. He was my
best friend but if I ever see him again I will kick his ass from here to
kingdom come. The Jared I know wouldn’t have done this. You listen to me
Jensen: what he’s been doing – it’s wrong. And it’s his fault. All of it. I
didn’t mean to imply it was anyone but his. Chris has his own fuck ups
regarding you and yes, those are his fuck ups. But what Jared did - it’s not
Chris’s fault. And,” he licked his lips, gazing at Jensen and making him
nervous. “It sure as shit ain’t yours.”
Jensen held his gaze until he had to look away. He stared out the windscreen,
watching the fast disappearing scenery and blinking back bitter tears.
Chad drove on, keeping his eyes on the road and hating himself a little for
making Jensen feel like it was his mistake. He wanted to tell Jensen that he
loved Jared, had been best buds with him for such a long time that he was a
part of him, a part of the fabric of his life and was interwoven into every
facet of him; every milestone of his life had been shared with Jared. But that
he would never be able to talk to Jared again. What he had done to Jensen – not
that the guy was talking much but Chad guessed some of it - made Jared a
monster.
The friend that Chad had loved was now as good as dead to him. He was grieving
the loss of his best pal and it hurt like a bitch. Hell, it would be easier if
he were dead. There would be none of these horrible conflicted emotions.
Despite his friendship with both Jared and Kane, Chad had never really warmed
to Jensen. He’d always thought him a little prissy, maybe a little too up
himself to be a normal regular guy, despite whatever his friends had said.
Seeing him like this, all broken and exposed, made Chad feel like crap. Jensen
was one of those guys who put up a barrier, who needed to be a little removed
to protect himself. It had been his own petty little jealousies at feeling
replaced so completely in Jay’s life that made him wary of Jensen. That and the
horrible obsessiveness Jared had for him. From the outset, Chad had known deep
in his bones that Jared’s attitude regarding Jensen was 90.5% fucked up.
And that, more than anything, had made him want them to break up.
It was one thing, taking a dislike to his friends’ partner, it was another
entirely, to realise that your best friend in the entire world was acting like
a fucked up psycho over his new boy. If anyone was to blame, it was Chad. He
should have dragged Jensen away by his hair in the very beginning.
==
That night, Chad fell in love with the shower and showed his devotion by
standing under its warm caress for nearly an hour. He’s a wrinkled prune by the
time he managed to wrench himself away, and he opened the bathroom door
carefully, both because he was worried Jen was asleep and also because of his
guilt for hogging the shower. Instead, he saw Jensen curled up on the bed on
his cell. For a horrible moment it flashed through his mind that Jen was
talking to Jared and he was ready to snatch the phone and smash it against the
wall until he heard: “I’m good, Chris.” Even if Jensen wasn’t saying much in
return, the fact that he was listening was a big win.
He closed the door and left him to it.
==
Hours later and Chad was lying in his narrow motel bed, cursing his clear
exhaustion and his sadistic inability to sleep. He could hear Jensen shifting
around in bed, unmistakably not sleeping either and thought what the hell. He
had to speak sometime, or this thing would eat him up alive.
“Jensen. I have to ask you something.”
“What is it?”
“Don’t be mad. It’s about Jared.” Well Jensen had figured as much. “Did Jared…
Fuck. Was he hurting you?” He pushed out the words fast.
There was an uncomfortable pause before he got an answer. “He was a little
rough--”
“C’mon, Jen. I know he hit you. I’d have to be a fucking idiot not to know that
and it was more than a ‘little rough’. You’re still bruised up and you’re going
to be for some time. That’s not what I mean.”
Jensen’s voice when he spoke was tense, and there was a clear undertone warning
him to back off. “I don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Please, man. Don’t make me say it.” Jensen stiffened. Chad sounded broken and
he had a horrible idea he knew what he was getting at. He just didn’t
understand how Chad knew. “You asked me why I helped you,” Chad asked.
“You told me. You said--”
“I said bull,” Chad snapped. They were skating too close to the truth and that
was something he could never confess. He was grateful for the dark so he didn’t
have to see Jensen. He took a deep breath and forced the words out. “He was
raping you, wasn’t he?”
Jensen stilled and thought his heart would burst through his chest. He closed
his eyes, grateful for the cover of darkness and took several deep breaths, not
trusting himself to speak until he had more control. “No. Whatever you’re
thinking is crazy, Chad. Jared wouldn’t do that.”
Chad wished to god he didn’t, but he knows Jared screwed Jensen while he was
drugged out. He hadn’t been aware of it at the time, but when Jared had come
back he’d smirked and said … It didn’t matter what he said.
It was rape.
Jensen didn’t know about what Jared had done – this time - he was pretty sure
of that. And Chad wished he didn’t either and he didn’t want the other man to
hide it anymore.
“We both know that is a fucking lie,” he barked out. “He fucked you. When you
were unconscious, okay? You know, after he drugged you, with me in the next
fucking room? I’m not an idiot so don’t lie to me.”
Ice cold fear flooded Jensen. What the hell had Jared done (to him)? “It wasn’t
like that.”
“Yeah, it was,” Chad interrupted, absolutely in the mood for no bull crap. He
felt so goddamned tired. He rubbed his eyes wearily. “He dosed you up with
whatever crap he was giving you and then when you were under he fucked you. You
weren’t awake so don’t kid yourself there was any consent. Hell, until now you
didn’t even know about it.” He put it out there, ashamed at the brutality of
his words but needing to hear the response.
He was greeted with silence, just the tortured breathing of someone trying to
get it together.
Finally, a gasped out: “You saw him … ”
“No!” He sat up in the bed and switched on the bedside light. It didn’t throw
up much light but it was better than nothing and Chad had to see Jensen; had to
reassure him and make him understand. In the other bed Jensen had turned his
back to him and was facing the wall. “No way would I have let him do it you. If
I’d known I would have stopped him, I swear to you, Jensen, I would not have
let him do that to you.”
“So how do you know he did?”
“He said something. It was … unpleasant.”
Unpleasant.
That was a mightily diplomatic word for him to use and he felt phoney using it.
He took a deep breath and plunged onwards. “And when I checked, you were out.
Like ‘sedated and out for the count’ out. You were …” he paused, took a deep
breath and then another deeper breath. To his horror he discovered how close he
was to crying. “He’d pulled down your jeans but not all the way.” He flashed
back to his horror at finding Jensen exposed that way – and how vulnerable he’d
looked with his t-shirt rucked up over his chest and Jared’s seed between his
thighs and dribbled over his eyes and lips.
There was no way it had been consensual, and there was even less chance that
Chad would ever tell Jensen he’d cleaned and dressed him the best he could
before waking him up. He’d had to use a wet flannel to wipe the encrusted cum
from Jensen’s face and nearly puked doing so. Even now his stomach clenched
recalling the remnants of abuse littering Jen’s body.
It would be just another thing he wouldn’t mention - along with the frequent
long showers Jensen took and the nightmares that plagued him every night.
He could hear Jensen shifting slightly in the other bed, and in the dim light
he saw Jensen’s shoulders quaking as he sobbed silently, his back still turned
to Chad. He debated getting out of bed to comfort him but the moment his feet
touched the ground Jensen straightened.
“Don’t touch me. Please.” He might have ignored the words if he hadn’t detected
the very real fear.
Chad fell back into the bed and switched off the light. He lay back in the bed,
his heart pounding, and sensitive to every sound from Jensen. Throwing the room
into darkness somehow made it worse; leaving every bitten off cry magnified.
For a long time Jensen said nothing and when he spoke his voice was strangled
but he’d given up on denial. “Don’t tell anyone.” He sounded so young and hurt
it broke Chad to hear him. “Please Chad, please don’t.”
It was torture. Listening to Jensen beg for him to keep quiet in between his
tears and knowing that any physical comfort he could offer would be rebuffed.
It came down to Jensen begging for his choice to be respected – just this once.
“Please Chad, please don’t.”
And damn himself to hell, Chad promised.
==
They didn’t mention it again but it tore down the barriers that had lingered
between them, and for the first time both men considered the other a friend. It
had been a long time since Jensen had made a new friend and it was he realised,
a good feeling.
==
Chad phoned ahead so that by the time he pulled up at Kane’s place the man was
outside waiting for them. Jensen had fallen into deep sleep over an hour ago
and Chad, when he realised what he was seeing, was relieved.
Kane was a mess.
He was sporting an ugly split lip, black eye, purpled cheekbone, bruised
knuckles and busted fingers that told him Kane had pounded the shit out of
someone recently and they’d pounded right back. He carefully closed the car
door and walked up to him, taking in the injuries. They looked worse close up.
“Good flight?”
Kane barked out a laugh at the blatant avoidance. “Hey, I’m not the unlucky son
of a bitch who drove back.”
“I loved every minute.” Chad studied Kane’s injuries again and nodded
insincerely. “You look great.”
Chris’s grin spread and radiated pure evil. “You should see the other guy. And
before you start bitching me out we both know he deserved it.” Chad could only
nod reluctantly. Yeah, maybe Jared did at that. Hell. No ‘maybe’ about it. It
was just lucky that Kane didn’t know the full story or there would be more than
blood on his hands.
Kane bit his lip nervously. “Jen in the car?”
He wanted to ask where else Jensen might be but he took pity. Kane looked like
a man at the end of his tether. “Yup, and out like a light.” Chad’s hand shot
out when Kane tentatively made for the car. He grabbed his forearm and gripped
tight, not that he found much resistance. “Chris. Take it easy. He’s a mess.”
He stopped abruptly, looking like there was more he wanted to say but he didn’t
know where to start.
Chris’s expression was odd, and he turned those potent steely blue eyes on him
and Chad felt like he should fend off his stare. The guy had the most piercing
gaze that made you feel you were under attack. “Is there something you’re not
telling me?”
Chad flushed. If ever he’d heard an opening, then that was one. Except Chris
looked like shit and the last thing he’d need was information to push him over
the edge. And Chad had promised Jensen and that thought tied him down more than
any other. He’d have to tread carefully though; Chris was a fairly relaxed guy
but the man was much smarter than he was sometimes given credit for. He read
people easily, hell, he was the most astute man he’d ever come across – one of
the many reasons Chad refused to play poker with the bastard.
“No. Well, he’s maybe a little pissed at you.” Kane nodded and shook off the
hold.
The short walk to the car was one of the longest Chris had ever taken. His legs
were heavy and leaden and that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach spread.
Jensen was yawning, obviously just waking up. He looked up and blinked owlishly
at Chris. It was enough time for him to quickly appraise Jen’s condition.
With his bone structure and features Jensen could never look less than
beautiful. But he’d lost weight. A lot, and Jenny had never been heavy enough
to warrant losing more than a few pounds at the best of times. On Supernatural
they’d dressed him in layers and layers to disguise his slight build so he
wasn’t completely dwarfed by the giant like proportions of Padalecki. With a
pang Chris remembered baiting him several times about the lifts in his shoes
and boxes he’d had to stand on to look taller. Now, Jensen was clearly
exhausted, like it would take a month of Sundays for him to recuperate, and
didn’t Chad say that he’d been doing little but sleeping? It was with a start
that he realised the marks under Jen’s eyes and peeking through his collar and
other exposed skin wasn’t just shadows and a trick of light.
Bruises.
Chris clenched his fists, welcoming the ache in his hands and wishing he’d hit
harder. Jared had bragged of course, but this, the reality was far worse. As
angry as he suddenly was, he knew it would be reflected on his face and he
stepped back, nervous and not wanting to spook his friend.
“You look like shit. Been picking fights, Kane?”
Kane. Not Chris or a sarcastic Christian. From anyone else that would be fine
but he and Jen had never pulled that crap with each other.
“Nothing unwarranted, I promise.”
Jen tried to keep eye contact with him, but he dropped his gaze to the floor,
and when he spoke his voice was small and broken. “Chad tells me I have you to
thank for--”
“No. You’ve … Jensen I’m sorry. I’m so sorry but you have nothing to thank me
for – don’t you fucking dare! I’m so fucking sorry, man. I … oh man.”
And he was gasping, barely able to speak for the sudden crying jag that
overtook him. He tried to stop, tried to stop himself but the sobs grew worse
and he hated himself for doing this to Jensen. But suddenly, Jensen was
standing in front of him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tight.
“S’fucking sorry Jen, please you have to know that.”
Jensen merely pulled him closer, offering what comfort he could.
***** Chapter 10 *****
(Two weeks later)
TV playing in background:
….Plus, common knowledge that someone took it upon himself to beat the living
[beep] out of Jared Padalecki. Now who would that be? Well, Jared’s not talking
but a picture says a thousand words and the images in this month’s Enquirer
speak volumes! And, random coincidence – of course! – their sharp eyed
photographers also spotted one Christian Kane flying back from Vancouver with a
black eye, a split lip and bloodied….
When the phone rang Jensen jumped. He had been so caught up by the TV and wary
of Chris returning early that his nerves were already on a knife edge. Kane had
been on constant patrol, censoring anything he thought might upset Jensen and
this latest edition of E!News definitely fit the criteria. It was not his usual
viewing but morbid curiosity had driven him to it – that and the amnesia all
his friends seemed to have developed over the last few weeks. It was as if
Jared had never existed.
Jensen picked up the phone, noting the caller ID was withheld. “Hello.” There
was no answer but he had a sinking feeling. “Who is this?”
Silence.
“Hello?” and again there was nothing but silence and he knew who it was. Jensen
felt his knees give and he stumbled before he caught his footing. He hated
himself for feeling scared again. He threw the phone at the wall, watching it
explode into fragments.
==
Jensen ignored the calls and told no-one. He apologised to Chris for the dent
in the wall and broken phone and Carlson had just snorted, muttering something
about adding it to the tally. After that though Chris did his best to ensure
Jensen was never alone for long; there was always someone around on Jensen-
watch. He pretended not to notice.
No-one mentioned Jared; it was like he had died and they were concerned one
mention of his name would destroy Jensen. It was strange and Jensen did not
know if he should pretend none of it had happened either. If he was honest that
appealed to him, to seal away forever the horrible memories and never have
cause to think of it again. Other times he would walk into a room and overhear
an angry whispered exchange between Chris and Chad, only for both of them to
stop and give him tight-lipped smiles while still glaring at each other. Jensen
wanted to question them but part of him was scared to know and an even bigger
part wanted to forget the last few months of his life. There was also the part
that knew they would both evade and try to distract him if he asked anyway.
Steve was the first to crack. He was on baby-sitting duty one Friday night and
he and Jensen got quietly drunk as the minutes crept away. He confessed how he
had never liked Jared; had thought him too manipulative, too controlling, his
hands all over Jensen directing where he should go, who he could speak to. How
he was constantly on alert when Jensen was talking to anyone else, how his easy
nature started to disappear and his sudden bursts of anger started to dominate
all the time. Steve apologised for backing off, admitting he thought all they
needed was time alone to sort their problems without the interference of
friends.
And I let him, Jensen thought. Hell, he hadn’t even noticed his friend’s
absence.
Despite the Padalecki-embargo Jensen insisted on a new cell and Chris dutifully
sorted it for him. Though reluctantly and very grudgingly.
==
“Don’t hang up. Please.”
It was the first time Jared had spoken. Normally, he remained silent until
Jensen ended the call.
“You sound terrible.” Jensen barely recognised his own voice, he sounded so
distant.
Jared laughed weakly. “I look fucking worse. Kane really did a number on me.”
Jensen bit his lip. He wasn’t going to let the ‘I’m sorry’ slip out.
His silence angered the other man. “Did you hear what I said? Don’t you give a
damn about what that little fucker did to me? I could have died and--”
“--You deserve it,” Jensen whispered, thinking of all the times Jared had laid
hands on him, hurting him. “You deserve it and I’m sorry I never had the balls
to do it myself.”
There was silence, quickly followed by harsh laughter. “You? You’d never have
been able to do it. You’re not a real man; you’re weak, Jenny.”
The bitch of it was that Jared wasn’t lying. Chris would curse him a blue
streak if he’d ever heard him say so but the fact was he’d let Jared hurt him
for months without lifting a finger to defend himself. Jensen closed his eyes
and took a deep breath.
“Stop this. Stop calling me, please, just stop it.”
==
It didn’t matter how many times he pleaded, Padalecki called again and again.
Each time he answered and heard that voice Jensen felt trapped, as if the
bastard was in the same room with him, backing him into a corner all over
again. He knew Jared was hundreds of miles away but it didn’t stop his heart
rate accelerating and that familiar sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. It
was like he was facing Jared again, waiting for that inevitable first blow.
“I miss you, babe.”
Jensen stilled.
“I know you’re living with him.”
There was enough hate bitten off in ‘him’ to make it clear what Jared thought
of Chris. His friend had insisted he moved in – had refused to let him out of
his sight practically. Jensen was honest enough to admit he needed the feeling
of safety Kane offered and that as far as he cared public perception could go
screw itself. Their living arrangement was common knowledge and whatever PR
game Jared was playing, he was winning. It didn’t make Jensen look good. The
forums and gossip pages overwhelmingly sided with ‘poor’ betrayed Jared.
“I … is he fucking you Jen? Is he?”
He was so appalled he couldn’t stop himself from answering; “No.”
The sigh of relief was loud and clear. “I want that to be true, babe, I really
do. But it looks bad – you living with him after everything you did. It makes
you look like a slut. You can change that. You can come back home to me and
I’ll try to forgive you – I won’t lie, it’ll be hard for me and I’ll need time.
We try again and this time without the bullshit as long as you’re honest with
me--”
Jensen gasped. “You can’t be serious?”
“We both made mistakes but this started with you. And I know you love me. We
can move past this.”
“After what you did?”
“It wasn’t my fault!” Jared snapped and Jensen felt a little frisson of fear at
the sudden anger. Here was the man Jensen had come to know and loathe. Jensen
heard him take a deep breath, reining his anger back in. “I hadn’t … it wasn’t
me. You did this, you made me do it. I didn’t have a choice – you can see that
can’t you babe? I had to set you straight.”
“Stop this Jared. I don’t want to hear from you again.”
“You think you have a choice? That you’ll have any life without me? Your name
is dirt and everyone knows you for the slut you are. You need to get your ass
back home; without me you’re dead in this town.”
“Jared, if those are my alternatives I’d take being dead over being with you
any day. Don’t do this anymore please. Stop calling me. I don’t know how you
keep getting my cell number but it stops now.”
This time he hung up to furious yelling and Jared screeching he was a whore. He
was trembling, hugging himself and grateful Chris wasn’t there to turn those
guilt stricken eyes on him.
==
Silence.
“Stop this or I will. You call and I’m going to hang up.”
He kept his word. It didn’t stop the calls but he let them go to voicemail.
==
“Fucking coward. Can’t even pick up the phone to speak to me, can you?”
Jensen got better.
Now, at the first hint of verbal abuse he’d delete the message.
==
Drunk Jared was the worst. He managed to be threatening and abusive and maudlin
all at the same time.
Jensen did himself a favour and erased those immediately.
==
Sometimes, Jared was kinder and he became the man Jensen had fallen in love
with.
“I miss you, Jen.”
The words were softly spoken, tender and filled with regret. Jensen would melt
and listen until the words lost all meaning and the gentle tenor would wash
over him.
It took him back to their early days, when they first got together and he would
have trouble sleeping. Jared held him tight, soft strands of his hair falling
over Jensen’s face and would talk to him tenderly, letting the words ease him
into sleep. After everything, the beatings and the violence, Jared’s voice
still held that power over him.
He’d listen as Jared’s voice faltered and he broke down, his breath harsh over
the line as he cried. He never said the words, never said ‘I’m sorry’, but
Jensen could clearly hear the regret and a part of him would bleed for his ex-
lover. In those moments he could picture facing Jared again – one day maybe.
He never told Kane.
==
Months passed and Jensen hid. At first it was to hide the bruises and shocking
loss of weight, but then it was easier to not leave the confines of the four
walls where he was secure. He was safe and could pretend his life was fine,
that he was just kicking back with friends and he was okay. Out there, beyond
the protection Kane offered were simpler, uglier truths that his friend
couldn’t edit or hold at bay. There were strangers and worse, friends and
family, who’d seen the tapes and could call him out on it.
It was not in Jensen’s nature to be a coward and he tried once, volunteered for
a beer run and pretended his heart rate was a steady regular pace, that his
breath wasn’t catching in his throat and that he was not burning with shame. He
barely made it to the end of the driveway before he gave up, trying his
damnedest to hold it together as his shoulders slumped and he rushed back
inside, pushing past Kane’s earnest concern.
A combination of guilt and anger meant Chris indulged him, running errands and
buffering him away from outside eyes until Steve and Chad blew up and accused
Jensen of hiding away. Jensen narrowed his eyes but couldn’t really summon up
any anger. He was in hiding and lying about it would get him nowhere. Why would
he want to go out in public when he could live like a hermit for the rest of
his life? The sex tapes were old news but they were never going to disappear:
too much fun to be had by all either in enjoying his fall from grace or by just
actively enjoying it. And that second thought made him sick to his stomach,
made every leer he faced wander if it was him or the tapes they had in mind, or
both.
Chad yelled the loudest that Jensen was turning into a weirdo recluse and Kane
was enabling him. “And fuck you for making me sound like a fucking self-help
manual,” Chad continued, spittle flying off in all directions.
The confrontation was an eye-opener for Kane, and it was he who finally snapped
and gave Jensen the push he needed; to go out and not to show any weakness.
“You let those fuckers see that and they’ll tear you apart. When you’re in
public you hold your head up high.”
Sound advice but it was not that simple. Jensen worried what people were saying
about him. It didn’t stop the leers and it didn’t stop the videos either.
Chris rolled his eyes. “That’s what bothers you? Morons saying shit to your
face or the ones who bitch behind your back? Fuck ‘em. You’ve got nothing to be
ashamed about and those cowardly fuckers don’t deserve to see you hurting. Yeah
they’d never say it to your face so fuck them and there weak-assed bullshit.
And the fuckers who do get in your face? Fuck them too; they know shit all.”
Jensen couldn’t help himself, he laughed. “Fuck everybody right?”
“Hell, yeah. You think I give a shit what they think? Hell, no. You wanna know
what I think about those assholes?”
Jensen shook his head. “I kinda have a sense the clues in the question.”
Kane ignored him. “People are assholes. Not all. Maybe only 90.9%,” he conceded
and Jensen rolled his eyes. “Those people that you’re worrying so much about
are fucking hypocrites who know shit from shinola. They think it’s okay to
cheat on their taxes or lie to their loved ones or go out and steal or kill or
blow up others or … or … to slap their kids or wife around.” Chris flushed. It
was too close to home and he knew it. For a moment the air was tense until Jen
surprised him by giving him a tight lipped smirk.
“Wow. 90.9% - you don’t like anyone do you?” Jensen gently mocked. Chris
ignored him again and thrust the scraps of paper he’d collected over the last
few weeks into Jensen’s hand: unbelievably contacts in the business who wanted
Jensen to audition for legitimate roles.
“Go speak to someone who cares, asshole.” Chris stared meaningfully at the pile
of numbers. “And it’s more like 96%.”
He watched Jensen saunter off and part of him wanted to grab the papers back.
But he had to let his friend go and he thought about what Jensen had said.
It wasn’t true. Kind of. It was more people had to prove themselves with him
before he could fully trust them (he was a hypocrite, but at least he knew
that). It was one of the reasons he had loved Jensen so much from the start.
He’d first laid eyes on the 17 year old kid and like everyone else he had been
spellbound by his beauty and figured the prettiest face he’d ever seen had to
equal an ugly brat inside. On a cosmic scale it had to be true because it was
fair; no one that stupidly gorgeous could be a nice guy. Even by Hollywood
standards Jensen was unique. It had been a pleasant shock to realise Jensen
Ackles was painfully shy, unaware of his impact and embarrassed of his looks.
He thought back to the number of conversations where Jensen had simply stopped
talking because some prick had started calling him on his looks; it could be as
simple as someone snidely calling him beautiful but each time it had the same
result. Jensen would falter, blush and suddenly find himself fixated on some
hidden point that meant he could avoid further eye contact. He tried to change
the subject until Chris learned to do it for him.
His obvious vulnerability had stirred up Chris’s protective urges and he’d
immediately become a combination of friend and protector. Not that he’d
admitted the latter to Jenny because he was rather fond of his balls remaining
intact, thank you very much. He’d had to intervene though; some guy at the time
had been aggressively pursuing Jensen, at times plain nasty to him and at
others possessive over anyone else in the kid’s life and overly tactile. Even
back then Jensen’s looks had the capacity to drive people a little nuts. Jensen
had been clearly intimidated by said asshole and Chris had stepped in without
even thinking about it, letting the creep know that he had a problem with his
approach and it had worked, he’d backed off and Chris had found a good friend
and new roommate - and eventually lover – in the young man.
The idea that Jensen’s family had let such a vulnerable kid go to LA alone
pissed him off no end, and one night, both of them drunk on tequila and sated
after a long night of making love, Chris had blurted it out.
“What the fuck does that mean?” Chris figured Jen’s angry words combined with
the lengthy pause before he’d spoken meant he was a dead man walking.
Chris stumbled over the conflicting thoughts in his head. Damn. He was pretty
much screwed no matter what he said. Did he go with option A: you’re too
defenceless and pretty to be alone in this cess pool of a town? Option B: you
have victim stamped all over you and you need a protector (implying option A’s
salient points) but please don’t tear off my balls because as stated earlier
Chris liked them intact where they were.
Instead, his own hesitancy in answering saved him. Jensen had melted in his
arms, admitting he did not get on with his family. That his dad had never
thought much of him. That the last time they had spoken as Jensen had left he’d
called him an empty headed pretty boy who was going to LA to earn his fortune
on his back.
It unlocked the floodgates. Jensen opened up to him from that point. Over time
he had given Chris a better understanding of his family, and Chris had grown to
hate them. Jensen never gave specifics but he had not needed to. Just the few
truths he did admit were cruel and Kane had shuddered at the twisted family
dynamics that had allowed Jensen’s abuse.
They were doomed as a couple. Chris had been in over his head; Jensen was way
out of his league and Chris knew it. He may have wanted Jensen forever and was
half-crazy in love with him but deep down he had known he would lose him
eventually. So he made it easy on himself. Chris was bi but had been mostly
straight and the temptation to stray was always there; even with a gorgeous
piece of ass in his bed he missed soft breasts and the feel of a hot wet pussy
clenching around his dick. It didn’t take much, just a few flirty smiles and he
was bedding the first big breasted starlet he ran into.
It was the most wretched orgasm of his life and it left him feeling sick and
empty and loathing himself. After it was over he didn’t waste time. Numb, he
left her in bed to shower, and went straight home to Jensen, his heart in his
mouth and hoping he was wrong and that the younger man would fight.
He shook Jensen awake and told him everything. Jensen listened, not
interrupting once. He was calm, too damned calm as he watched Chris stutter out
his confession. After, there were a few angry words followed by some tears. And
that was it. It was over.
They made love. It was sad and desperate and Chris lingered over each caress,
wanting to imprint forever in his mind how Jensen felt under his fingertips,
how he tasted under his tongue and how he made the sweetest sounds as Chris
moved inside him. His heart broke with each moment; there was no denying how
much he loved this boy and how empty his life would be without him in it. When
he thrust slowly but hard enough to wrench a desperate gasp from Jensen he
brushed his lips against that luscious mouth as a prelude to a kiss - but
Jensen moved his face to one side and he knew it was over. He carried on
thrusting, slowly, wanting to make it last, not punishing but lovingly even as
he buried his face in the crook of Jenny’s neck and sobbed. Jensen carded his
hair with his fingers, every so often just tugging a fraction too tight when
Chris thrust particularly hard. At the end, Chris was shaking as much from the
orgasm as he was over the overwhelming loss he felt.
It was agreed they would stay friends and Chris would move out. Right then
Chris knew he’d made the right choice: Jensen was hurt but generally fine with
it; Chris on the other hand felt like he’d dipped his heart in acid. It hurt
more than anything ever had, eating away at him constantly to realise the
imbalance in their relationship was true and not just paranoia on his part. It
could never have been a clean break; both knew too much about the other and the
love between them was genuine and sincere. And anyway, Kane had the role of
‘protector’ emblazoned on his soul now. He scrutinised Jensen with other guys –
just a few, Jensen had never been a slut – and dispensed advice and solace and
glares when required.
It had not taken long to see that Jensen was a skilled actor and the best
friend he’d ever have, but he was also pretty much the worst judge of character
in picking boyfriends. He always – always – picked the shits that would fuck
him over.
And, Chris knew, that included him.
==
***** Chapter 11 *****
It lives - new update! Warning for very bad (past) Chris and non-con
(attempted).
“You okay, man?” Steve asked. Kane took a moment before he nodded. It was
testament to their friendship that Steve let it go and pretended he wasn’t
lying through his ass.
It wasn’t the same and it was far from okay with Jensen. He felt dead inside.
Chris understood. Really, he did; the shit storm he’d caused blurred their
relationship. Superficially they were fine: Jensen lived with him and they
talked and it was all hunky dory, but no matter how often they spoke nothing
was being said, and Chris was sick of being on tenterhooks waiting for Jensen
to ask, to question, to blame and get angry. The kid was entitled and there was
nothing except sickening anticipation. Nothing but polite conversation while
they skirted the real issue of what a screw-up Kane was.
At first he’d floundered until realisation hit and hit hard: he was getting the
patented polite but aloof Jensen Ackles treatment, normally reserved for
strangers and people he didn’t trust, and not the real deal at all.
It shook him to the core.
Hell, maybe Jensen believed he had forgiven Kane and it was obvious he still
loved him, but underneath the gracious facade there was a tension that Kane
would never be able to fully repair. How’d you undo a betrayed trust anyhow?
Answers on a postcard, Kane joked to himself. If only it was that simple.
At least one burning question had to be preying on Jen’s mind; why his ex-lover
and so-called best friend had made the recordings without his consent in the
first place and then kept them; but no, instead they acted like it was all good
and there was little to discuss, but hey, ‘I’m fine and wasn’t it shaping up to
be another glorious sunny day and thanks for passing the goddamned salt’. It
was like the recordings didn’t even exist for Jensen. It had to be an issue for
the younger man - as it was it was torturing Chris on a daily basis. What he
had done was akin to rape.
He swallowed painfully, his throat suddenly so tight he could barely breathe.
Back then, those moments hadn’t felt wrong but oh god, he’d felt a sick thrill
at what he was doing. Most of the time Jensen said no, that he didn’t want
Chris to tape them making love. He’d got to a stage he knew how to get round
that. He would get Jensen so drunk he was in no fit state to argue, and Chris
never technically asked the question before getting the cam out; other times,
he’d sneakily set up hidden cameras, refusing to admit to himself what he was
up to, and then angling Jensen in such a way to keep him oblivious.
That wasn’t even taking into consideration how naive and vulnerable Jensen had
been at 17, cut off from family back home and constantly warding of predators
as he tried to land an acting role. All of Chris’ actions had been underhand.
Hell, no matter what anyone said (and no-one had said anything), he was a
fucking rapist. Jensen had not consented. He’d never even watched the
recordings he did know about, instead burying his head in the crook of Chris’
neck if he couldn’t convince him to turn it off.
Kane would love to take refuge in just being a sleazy bastard, but he was far
worse.
He had to shut that thought out – he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t.
Neither of them had gone public about the tapes so there was confusion over the
details – from dates (was Jensen cheating on Jared with Chris?); to ages (thank
God - Jensen had not been strictly legal), and actual circumstances. No-one
knew Jensen had not agreed to most of the recordings, and damn himself to hell
but Chris wasn’t going to fess up anytime soon. All things considered he was
glad Jensen was unconsciously shutting him out, it hurt but he deserved far
worse.
Chad and Jensen on the other hand … whatever had happened on their road trip
had bonded the two, and now they only had to share a look to have the other
nodding in understanding. It hurt to see – to realise they had their own secret
easy language of which he had no part, and worse, that he’d been replaced by
Chad of all people in Jen’s affections. At first he’d felt betrayed and angry -
wondering if that was how Jared felt about him and Jensen – before quickly
kicking himself. That fucker did not deserve a moment’s understanding. He
quelled his own jealousy too, even though it hurt like hell.
Steve gently nudged his shoulder, bringing him back to the here and now and
offering his own solidarity and sympathy, just like he always did when he could
sense Chris’s gloom. Even better, he offered him a shot of tequila which he
downed immediately. Steve looked a bit perturbed but offered him his beer which
he also took, drinking it down like he was dying of thirst but it was that or
cry.
What kind of monster was he?
He had no right to be resentful of Chad. What he’d lost, he’d forfeited
carelessly. Begrudging whatever support Jensen could find now wasn’t fair
either. He deserved a friendship he could trust and ideally from someone who
had not reduced him to a piece of meat.
So what if he was not Jensen’s go-to-guy anymore? As long as the kid had a
genuine friend he trusted Kane could take the blow to his ego. Besides, the
real win was right here, right now; playing a small gig at a local bar and
having Jen right there in the crowd. Clearly nervous as hell and ducking his
head to avoid accidental eye contact with strangers maybe, but unmistakably
willing to move on.
Chris watched carefully from the side-lines, taking a deep gulp of his borrowed
beer before their gig started. Carlson was making him antsy; he was practically
thrumming in anticipation, his eyes dancing over the gathering crowd as he
tapped his foot impatiently. Kane edged away and scanned the crowd himself,
catching snippets of conversation but his eyes, as always, were drawn back
irresistibly to the same man.
In theory Chris was living the dream, shacked up with Jensen he saw him every
day and night, hell, they spent 24-7 living in each other’s pockets and
sleeping under the same roof, and despite all that Chris had never missed him
more.
Over at their table Murray was leaning into Jen, grinning at whatever was being
said. Jensen beamed back, looked up and caught Kane’s eye. For the briefest of
moments there was an unbearable tension where everything was laid bare between
them and Chris had to catch his breath, the full impact of all that he had
caused bearing down on him. He was overwhelmed with raw grief at the enormity
of his actions and it left him breathless and gasping for air.
What the hell had he done?
But just like that it was gone, and Jensen gave him a deeply lascivious wink
that should have made everything okay - if it hadn’t been fake, more Dean
Winchester than the real guy.
Thankfully, Steve was pushing him on stage and handing him a guitar and he
didn’t have time to torture himself any longer.
 
**
The gig was not to Murray’s taste, and he’d made his feelings clear to Chris
plenty of times --
(“I hate your music. I hate your fucking voice and I will cut of my ears and
throw them at you if I ever hear you whine your way through song again. No
offence.”)
-- but he wasn’t there for Kane. Nope, his real mission was crowd-watching and
guarding Jensen who was visibly forcing himself to relax. He glared at any
assholes that even looked like they were thinking about giving Jensen grief.
The immediate fallout of the ‘public’ breakup had been messy and was continuing
to be, with asshole psychos thinking they knew what had happened and were
entitled to dump on Jensen. There had been a lot of hate; online BS from
ignorant bitches siding with Jared who were planning all manners of revenge on
Jensen and Chris. So far it was all talk and no action.
He’d even seen some of the crap that Chris’s agent had received: bogus fan mail
with obscene images of Jensen and not so thinly veiled threats. Some it had
been bad enough that both Chris and Chad had considered calling the cops but
their agents advised them against it. “Big talk from tiny minds,” and somehow
they’d decided no action was the best route to take. It didn’t sit right with
Chad.
Especially when in the meantime, Jared was walking around like an injured
martyr, lapping up all the sympathy and PR stakes he could. Bastard. If only
people knew the truth they wouldn’t be so keen to pass judgement on Jensen.
So Chad was aware he was acting like a freak; his head snapping back and forth
as he scanned the entire freaking bar but he was wary; it was early days, and
Jensen was only now agreeing to go out in public and the last thing he needed
was for any moron to think it was open season on his friend.
With good reason too – Jensen’s entrance had not gone unnoticed by a large
cluster of men and women who were still excitedly murmuring. There had been a
flurry of activity but little since so Chad dismissed them, reckoning they were
star-struck and too polite to approach Jensen – no harm, no foul, so he was not
going to say anything.
Jensen for his part kept his mouth shut and pretended Murray was acting like a
regular human being and not the hyper vigilant freak he was now playing the
part of. He was leaning forward, sipping his beer and tentatively smiling
against the glass, his attention fixed on the stage as Kane started their set.
Chad sighed; the things he did for friendship.
“Quit ogling me, Murray.” Jensen’s eyes were still on the stage but that didn’t
stop Chad giving him a big cheesy grin.
“I’ll stop when you quit being so pretty.”
“Oh man, really - is that your best line and why are you wasting it on me? You
give straight guys a bad name; I feel this urge to apologise to all the
heterosexual women you’ve ever met.”
“Dude, don’t box me in. I’ve used my lines on lesbians – with great success.
Why should they miss out on the goods?”
“Because they have a legitimate reason to be extra-revolted? And just to
clarify were they gay before or after the Murray treatment?” Jensen shook his
head sadly. “Don’t bother. I feel for all woman-kind. And I thought I had it
bad.”
“Don’t be jealous, baby, if you play your cards right...”
Jensen grimaced.
“Ah, you’re biased because you think you know me. It’s not just my gorgeousness
and charisma on offer you know, I’ve got the full package--” he leered and
looked down at his crotch and Jensen threw a balled up paper napkin at him “--
I mean, you dirty minded heathen; I’ve got personality and I tell great jokes.
You wanna hear one?”
His friend shook his head but Chad carried on, undeterred.
“Course you do. What did a man say to his friend before the flood? No idea? He
said ‘Need an arc? I Noah a guy’….”
There was a pained groan. “Now I feel sorry for you. Bad lines and jokes. Is
there nothing you don’t suck at?”
“Cock?” Chad offered loudly after a slight pause. A woman nearby turned and
glared at them.
Jensen laughed, surprised at how genuine it was. Infantile as Chad sometimes
acted, Jensen enjoyed being around him, the man was able to get him out of his
head when he needed it. He even enjoyed listening to Chad bitch about the gig,
especially when an hour later Chris cheekily dedicated a song “…to Murray; my
inspiration, my muse”, a smirk on his face as he launched into the lyrics. He
wished he’d been ready with his phone to snap a photo of Chad’s indignation;
from the stage Chris would not be able to see them.
“Oh man, not this piece of shit song – this one is the worst, the evil fucker.”
Chad blocked his ears ineffectively with his hands.
And boy, did he need Chad’s inanity with Chris eyeing him every five minutes
and his constant hovering, doing his best to have it out with him. If he heard:
‘Talk to me man; I just want you to be happy’ one more time he’d scream. It was
just fine between them. He just needed time to clear his head and Chris
couldn’t seem to understand that.
Chad did. He had tried pushing the idea of Jensen seeing a shrink but he backed
off when Jensen needed him too. Part of him was thinking maybe he should. That
whole thing with Jared had been bad but he was having a hard time not blaming
himself. That had to be the definition of crazy.
When he stood he saw the tension ratchet up in Chad. “Relax, I need the
restroom,” and hastily added when Chad looked like he was going to join him:
“I’m a big boy now and don’t need an escort, Mom. Plus, if you move we lose the
table.”
Chad restrained from snapping out a snarky response and getting up to follow
anyway. His restraint didn’t stop him from watching as Jensen navigated his way
through the crowded bar, most of the people pleasantly buzzed and enjoying the
gig. At the very least it took his mind of the music, until Chris dedicated
another song to him.
He raised his glass in acknowledgement. “Fucker.”
=
Despite his words it was a big deal for Jensen. He felt antsy being so exposed
and irrational as it was his gaze lingered on two bulky looking men, convinced
they stared and whispered as he walked past. He was certifiable. If he wanted
to kick-start his career he had to get used to being watched before he turned
into an even bigger freak. Taking a deep breath he pushed them out of his mind
before the door to the empty bathroom had even closed. With the door closed the
music and din of the club was instantly muffled.
He’d used the urinal and was washing his hands when he heard the door swing
open. When Jensen glanced in the mirror he saw the two men he’d noticed earlier
walk in. He quickly looked away and took a deep breath, cursing his paranoia,
telling himself he was being absurd. Stiffening his shoulders he thrust his
hands under the dryer. It meant nothing.
It was only when he made his exit that he realised he had a problem. The
stockier taller man was suddenly standing directly in front of him, barring his
way, while the other blocked the door.
“Hey, fag.”
Jensen froze at the sheer amount of contempt in those two words. He sighed and
held up his hands, hoping to defuse the situation. Back in the day Jared would
have punched the jerk. “I don’t want any trouble. Just get out of my wa--”
“--Lloyd, you know who this is?” The guy sniggered, ignoring Jensen and spoke
to his pal, his eyes still pinning him.
‘Lloyd’ sneered at Jensen from the doorway, his eyes lit in delight. “Sure.
He’s that actor slut.”
It slammed into him suddenly that this wasn’t okay.
This couldn’t be happening.
“Yup, it’s Jenny fucking Ackles in the flesh. The bitch-boy famous for getting
fucked in all his holes.” In a sudden move that shocked Jensen he reached out
and grabbed his hips, thick fingers digging in and pulling him closer to his
body and against his very obvious erection. Up close the man’s breath stank.
“How about it pretty boy? I’ve never had a faggot before but I’ll make an
exception for you. Plus, you’re so pretty you’re basically a bitch anyway.”
Then cocking his head back to his friend: “I bet he’s got a nice juicy cunt
just begging for our cocks.”
Jensen felt his whole world shrink in on him and it hit him he still wasn’t
resisting, too shocked by the sudden turn of events. He was vaguely aware of
Lloyd still blocking the door, but now yelling at someone that the restroom was
closed. That someone was out there close enough to hear gave Jensen the impetus
he needed. Fighting against lax muscles, he raised his hands to the man’s chest
and pushed hard, his struggles getting more violent in his desperation. “Get
the fuck off me.”
“C’mon, don’t be a cocktease. I know you like it rough, pretty boy. I’ve seen
you beg for it.”
The man spun him around, violently pushing him face-first against the wall and
securing Jensen’s hands above his head, grinding his dick against his ass like
he had the right to. Jensen stilled in shock again, barely able to breathe let
alone comprehend what was happening. Just a couple of minutes ago he’d been
drinking and laughing with Chad.
“I’ve been watching you all night, waiting to get you alone. Those videos don’t
do you any justice, man. Look at the goddamned mouth on you!”
It happened in slow motion. Jensen felt the man’s tacky fingers grabbing his
chin and turning his face sideways, sliding upwards to trace his lips and he
was assaulted by the stink of sweat and spit, and it reminded him of another
time, of Jared holding him down and--
--Jensen viciously snapped his head back and head-butted his attacker. There
was a satisfying crunch and a stunned grunt before pain flooded Jensen’s head
but when he turned he was gratified to see the man stagger backwards, hands
covering his face as blood poured from his nose, and even as he fell to his own
knees he felt a bitter surge of triumph. He remembered a snatch of
conversation, one of the Supernatural stunt guys laughing and telling him ‘this
is why youdon’thead-butt people’.
He must have blacked out because he was next aware of some scuffling as his
shirt was torn and someone was rucking up his vest. Hands were twisting his
bare skin, someone pinching his nipples and it hurt. He waved his hands
uselessly to stop him and muttered “Stop. Jared, please no.” He was slapped
hard and the pain ignited and flared, adding exploding fireworks to his already
pounding head. It hurt too much and he feebly tried to push the hands away.
He was dimly aware of muffled yelling and someone insistently hammering until a
door slammed open, and then there were angry raised voices. He couldn’t
understand and part of him just wanted it to stop so it would help the pain in
his head go away but suddenly the hands on him were yanked off and the door
banged open and shut again … and then there was blessed silence. He wanted to
weep in gratitude. It didn’t last long before some guy was talking to him again
--
(Chad? He must have asked because the blurry man was shaking his head and
saying ‘no, your friends at the table’)
-- and he was helping him up but he shook the not-Chad-stranger off and shakily
walked out, almost regretting it when he opened the door and the muffled noise
turned into an explosion of loud confused noises. Holding his hands over his
ears he stumbled through the crowd --
(jumbled heat and stink and too loud - jesus, where had all these people come
from? At this rate he would never find Chad)
-- and flinching at the feel of all those bodies too close when all he wanted
was to be alone so he could crumble to the floor and squeeze his eyes closed
tight and block his ears, when someone gently grabbed hold of his elbow and
steered him back to Chad. He sat heavily in the chair.
Chad swore.
“It’s okay,” Jensen said automatically.
“What the fuck? You come back here looking like shit telling me you’re okay?”
Hands were on his face and he flinched backwards.
“There was … a slight altercation.” Jensen looked up but didn’t recognize the
voice. It sounded like the man who’d come to his aid. For some reason he
couldn’t get his eyes to cooperate and focus.
“Who the hell are you and what the fuck did you do?” Murray was spitting blood
he was so angry. Any other time and Jensen could maybe appreciate it – right
now he just wanted the noise to end.
“Chad, shut up,” he bit the words out. “He helped me.”
“From who - where are they? Did you call--”
“No. No police,” Jensen muttered. “Just get me home.”
“What – I’m calling the cops!”
“No, Chad. I need you to calm down. I’m fine. I just want to go home. Please.”
To force his friends’ hand Jensen stood and immediately regretted it, almost
overwhelmed by a wave of nausea and dizziness as his head felt about ready to
explode. The stranger and Chad gripped him tightly and supported his weight.
After that he faded out.
Both of them led him outside and he was bundled gently into a cab, Chad sat
close to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Without any hesitation
Jensen relaxed into the warmth and comfort offered. He felt Chad shift as he
leant out of the cab, talking to the man who helped him.
“…don’t even know your...”
“…his head. Not his blood… Think he head-butted the bas… Hospital…”
“…Thank you, Nick…anything ever, call…mean...”
Jensen screwed his eyes tight, burying his head into Chad’s chest. It hurt so
bad he was doing all he could to stop from being sick. And then the car was
speeding off and Jensen just wanted to sleep but Chad was shaking him and
telling him to stay awake.
“Goin’ home?”
He heard Chad take a deep breath, and when he spoke his voice sounded funny.
“No. I’m taking you to hospital.”
And Jensen would nod but it hurts too much and he knows there’s no fighting the
steel in that voice.
***** Chapter 12 *****
The ER doc on call, Dr. Parker, was a tall pudgy older man who looked a little
bored and lot over-worked as Chad gave a heavily edited version of the truth -
though it was clear the medic did not buy the ‘my friend accidently banged the
back of his head against a wall’ lie.
“Sure. This must be the wall’s blood then,” he muttered as the nurse gently
swabbed the back of Jensen’s head clear of the attackers’ blood. Chad hoped the
fucker was bleeding to death somewhere and he tried to kill his smirk as the
doctor glared at him.
“I need you -” he glanced at the clipboard, “- Jensen, to look at me. Can you
do that? Raise your chin and let me examine you?”
Jensen groggily lifted his head and Chad watched the doctor’s demeanour
flounder before years of professionalism took over, even if his cheeks remained
pink throughout the examination. Ha, even dazed and confused Ackles’ prettiness
could disarm people.
The doc mumbled something about concussion and gave Chad some basic
instructions and promised in a mere 24 hours Jensen would be fine. Relief
surged through Chad and he could suddenly focus even as exhaustion overtook
him. Nevertheless he gently steered Jensen into a cab and it was only when he
sat down that reality sunk in via a dozen missed calls and double that in
frantic text messages from Chris. Well, that was something to look forward to.
We’re good. Heading back now and will be at yours in 10, he quickly texted
back.
We’re good - like one look at Jensen would convince Chris of that. It hit him
hard it could have been a lot worse. His eyes smarted as he spoke. “Did they…
Was it sexual?” he asked quietly.
Jensen was initially taken aback but shook his head. His eyes darted to the
driver and his tone muted. “I’m okay.”
“That’s a goddamned lie, Jensen and it’s not what I asked,” Chad snapped in
return, still taking care to keep his voice quiet. “Your shirt’s ripped to
shreds and your chest is covered in bruises. Your mouth looks like you’ve been
mauled.”
“No. Nothing happened,” Jensen bit out.
Chad took a deep breath. “I don’t believe you.” Jensen’s sharp intake of breath
was too loud in the stark quietness of the cab. “I think those guys tried to
rape you and I know you’re not okay. You’re as far from okay as you can be. And
fuck me, they do that and I let them walk because you say it’s what you want.
Those bas-”
“- Really not the time to get worked up, Chad. We’ll have this talk later.”
Jensen’s eyes were fixed forward, avoiding him completely but there was no
mistaking the anger in his voice.
Chad nodded, knowing that Jensen would not let him bring this up again. Just
like the rapes he’d suffered from Jared. And again, the guilty parties would
walk away scot-free. It wasn’t right and in the meantime – and later – no one
would mention it again. Seal it up in a box and throw away the key, he thought
bitterly.
So he was surprised when Jensen continued. “I fought back. For once,” he
sounded slightly in awe of his own actions and he smiled tentatively. “I don’t
know how to convince you but I really am okay.”
“I wish I could believe that.”
Jensen rolled his eyes. “The first time Jared … did stuff, I was in shock and I
blamed myself: I provoked him. I shouldn’t have talked to the other guy or made
eye contact or a thousand and one other ridiculous things I can’t even remember
now.” He shook his head and winced at the action.
“After that it was the same; it was my mistake somehow and I never fought back.
It never occurred to me that I could or should because it was my fault. Yeah, I
know, I know,” he hurried at Chad’s face to reassure him. “It wasn’t. The fault
was Jared’s, not mine at all. Tonight, was the first time I fought back and
I’ve never done that before – not with Jared, not with anyone.”
Not with anyone, Chad thought but he kept silent, pleased that his friend was
confiding or at least talking. For too long Jensen had retreated into silence
or merely indulged them with trivial small talk. This was the first real
conversation since they had gotten back to LA and he wasn’t going to interrupt
and throw an obstacle in Jensen’s path when he was finally opening up.
Jensen surprised him ever further when his shy smile morphed into a fully-
fledged grin. “I fought back and I can’t tell you how good it was.”
And you almost got pounded into the ground before that guy, whathisname, Nick,
helped you. But Chad could be a good listener and he knew a win when he saw one
– small as it may seem with the scumbags getting away with it. He couldn’t wipe
the stupid grin from his own face if his life depended on it.
“Just promise me no more head-butting.”
“Deal - I’ve learned my lesson. But only if you deal with Chris tonight.”
Chad sighed heavily, faking every second of misery. “Oh man…” But the look and
smile on Jensen’s face was worth it.
==
Jensen had given a sanitised explanation for their disappearance – some guys
took offence at the presence of a ‘fag’ and omitted any mention of an attempted
sexual assault. Chris was pissed that nobody had thought about pressing charges
but all it took to quieten him down was one look at Jensen’s puppy dog eyes. It
didn’t stop them from arguing. He’d reassured Chris that, contrary to all
appearances, he was fine but the shorter man had started venting angrily, and
ten minutes later Jensen had literally thrown his hands up in the air and given
up – he’d let Murray deal with it.
He snuck off to the corner and let them all argue - Steve was currently
slapping Chad and Chris around the head for thinking a crowded bar full of
drunken people was a great idea to expose Jensen too. He winced, hating the
image they had of him.
Jensen let the recriminations fade out. He was in pain, yes, yet oddly
empowered by fighting back. The attack and their attitudes had been horrible,
admittedly, but despite that it still gave him an odd sense of achievement,
that he was not quite the victim Jared had made him believe he was. For the
first time, aching head aside, he stood tall and maintained eye contact and by
the time Steve stopped his hissy fit he was sporting a wide grin. He tried to
explain but all it took was one look at his face.
“Oh, you are kidding me. You feel better after that, you goddamned freak?
That’s the worst fucking therapy ever. We are not doing that again,” Chris
yelled.
==
One month later:
“Get me a cold one, bitch,” Murray barked at Jensen, pounding his chest
manfully. “The men are barbecuing!” Jensen would have let rip but he figured
Murray shrieking when he burned his hand when he strayed too close to the grill
was karma enough. Chad winced and wretchedly offered his hand to Kane. If he
was looking for sympathy he’d sadly misjudged the situation.
“You need me to call you a plastic surgeon?” Chris gave him a withering look
and shook his head disgustedly after he glanced at the injury. He’d get a
blister at best. “You big sad girl.”
“It may be small but it hurts,” Chad moaned. Kane ignored him and flipped a
burger on the grill. “You’re a piss poor friend, Kane. You’ll be sorry when it
festers and falls off.”
“Nah, I can live with it. And quit talking about your dick.”
Jensen snorted as he went to the kitchen to grab some beers from the fridge. On
the way back he noticed a large script on the table and flicked through a few
pages. A note fluttered to the floor and Jensen could not help but read one of
the lead roles in the script were offered to Chris. It was a huge part and the
bastard hadn’t even mentioned it.
He knew why too.
It irked him that Kane was putting his career on hold to help him out. He was
fine. It was enough that he’d moved in with Chris for the last six months. He
was over all that crap and he didn’t need his friend hovering anymore. He was
nearing the backyard when he overheard Murray and Kane’s hushed tones and he
stilled instinctively.
“Who’d you reckon he is? The new boyfriend?”
“Maybe. Steve didn’t think they come across as if they were together.”
“What? You mean Padalecki wasn’t beating the crap out of him?”
“Shut the fuck up, Murray. That’s never going to be funny.” But Chad hadn’t
said it to be funny. He sounded pissed. And there was only one reason he got
that angry.
Jared. Of course they were talking about Jared when they thought he was out of
earshot because hey, Jenny was a delicate little flower or some other crap. He
got it, he did but he’d had enough of the kid gloves already. He took a deep
breath and rounded the corner.
“I’ll forgive the bullshit about treating me like a fragile schoolgirl this
once. But let’s get this straight: I’m over Padalecki. He could be fucking half
the cast of his latest project and I could give a crap. He means nothing to
me.”
Chris had the decency to look shamefaced but Murray looked pissed. “You got
something you want to say to me?” Jensen challenged.
Murray looked rebellious but chased away whatever was in his head. “Only that
you’d make the prettiest schoolgirl?”
Chris rolled his eyes. “Well, we all know that.”
“Fuck you both. And,” Jensen dumped the beers with Chad and brandished the
script he’d had under his arm at Chris, “you’d better be saying ‘yes’ to this.”
Chris eyed him – and the script - warily. “I’m considering it. Now, you want a
burger or do I need to get you a plate and napkin too, princess?”
It was later, after they’d dropped a few more beers and eaten their fill and
were finally lounging on the deck watching the sun dip in the darkening sky,
that Jensen thought he could ask the question casually. “So who’s Padalecki’s
new boy?”
Murray choked on his beer and Chris whacked him none too softly on the back, as
the other man complained. “Will you quit beating on me?”
“But it is so much fun,” Chris grinned at Jensen, and added seriously, “I swear
it’s good for stress if you wanna join in.”
“I’ll pour this beer over you. Answer his goddamn question.”
Kane sighed. “Steve got dragged along to one of those network parties and saw
Jared with some guy. They looked friendly but not friendly. Anyway, Jared was
obnoxious – insisted on introducing him as a ‘friend from back home,” which
explained the Texas twang. Had his hands all over him at this point but Steve
didn’t buy into it. And he’s got a weird name for a Texas boy, Clive Bantam.”
Jensen stilled, sick to his stomach.
“Shit. You okay Jen?”
He wasn’t even sure which of the men was asking but he plastered a grin on his
face and nodded. He climbed unsteadily to his feet. “I should get to bed.”
The guys were freaking out, he knew that but there was no way he could act like
his legs hadn’t been cut from under him. He cursed aloud. Padalecki, the
sonofabitch.
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