Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/ works/13619952. Rating: Explicit Archive Warning: Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage Category: M/M Fandom: Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan Relationship: Levi/Eren_Yeager Character: Eren_Yeager, Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Armin_Arlert, Mikasa_Ackerman, Erwin_Smith, Hange_Zoë, 104th_Training_Corps, Special_Operations_Squad_| Squad_Levi Additional Tags: Angst, Heavy_Angst, Emotional_Hurt/Comfort, Anal_Sex, Underage_Sex, Prostitution, Canon_Era, Emotional/Psychological_Abuse, Emotional Baggage, Post-Traumatic_Stress_Disorder_-_PTSD, Anxiety, Panic_Attacks, Guilt, lying, lots_of_lying, Falling_In_Love, Slow_Burn, Rape/Non-con Elements, Underage_Rape/Non-con, Recovery, Flashbacks, Poor_Eren_Yeager, It_Gets_Worse_Before_It_Gets_Better, Dissociation, Eventual_Happy_Ending, Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending Stats: Published: 2018-02-09 Updated: 2018-03-25 Chapters: 6/? Words: 25602 ****** Secrets of an Alleyway ****** by BlackbirdFreedom11 Summary They were hungry. They were starving. They had to survive another year until they could sign up for the Training Corps. “What do you want?” “Oh, a little of this. Little of that. Depends on you how much food ya want. More you give, more ya get. Get it? Simple.” Simple. Eren didn't need to tell Mikasa or Armin how he returned with so much food. Simple. Nobody else needed to know what went on in the darker alleyways of that town. Simple, right? Until he sees some familiar faces passing him in the halls of the Survey Corps. Until Captain Levi senses something not quite right with Eren Jaeger. Until simple becomes more complicated than ever before. Notes Hi everyone! first story of mine. talk about being nervous! Anyway, normally i'm just a huge reader on here, but this story wouldn't leave my head. SO i hope you enjoy! PLEASE read the tags on this story!   TW: Underage rape/prostitution ***** The Alleyway ***** Chapter Notes See the end of the chapter for notes YEAR 846 ===============================================================================   “This is our last ration,” Armin grimaced, splitting up the half loaf of bread into three parts. He handed a slice each to Mikasa and Eren, who each took their portion with frowns. The three friends sat on the dirty ground in the corner of a small alley, with two boxes and three thin blankets covering them. The clothes that covered each child hung loosely, tears and holes were common every few inches of fabric. There they huddled together, eating their last pieces of bread, given to them by Armin’s Grandpa on his last day within Wall Rose. “We need to start thinking about a plan to get food, or else were going to starve.” Armin stated, looking down at the ground. “We’re too small to grab any of the rations they give out anymore, we’d never beat the crowd.” Eren squeezed his bread tightly in anger, “This isn’t fair! What are we supposed to do then? What do they expect us to do!” He took a bite of his food and chewed it with force, pieces spitting out of his mouth. Mikasa grabbed her scarf from around her neck for comfort. “They expect nothing. The rations they hand out barely allow us to survive. People are already dying from starvation.” She sighed, and raised her eyes to look at Armin. “Do you have an idea?” Armin looked away. “...Well, we can steal, but it’s illegal. Not to mention dangerous. If we get caught…” He looked back at Mikasa and Eren, his eyes burning with determination. “But it doesn’t matter anyway does it? If we don’t do anything, or if we get caught, the outcome is the same…” Mikasa sucked in a breath at that statement. The town punished heavily on those stealing since the refugees came in from Wall Maria. Many never returned after becoming arrested by the Military Police. “Then let’s not get caught. I can do it; you and Eren can stay here then. That way, if I’m arrested, you and Eren won’t be punished. It really is the best-” “No way!” Eren shouted, his bright green eyes focused on Mikasa. “There’s no way that you’re doing that on your own! Stop trying to protect me!” He growled, but his higher voice didn’t seem to capture his raging emotions clearly enough. “No. We all go. And if we split up, we can take more that way. We can all go to nearby towns, and then meet back here.” Mikasa’s eyes widened, “Eren! Think this through! That’s even more dangerous! I can’t help you or Armin if we split up.” Eren’s eyes burned brighter. “Mikasa! Stop it! I’m almost 12, you can’t keep protecting me. I can do this! Stay with Armin if you want, but I’m getting that food on my own. We need it, and we need it fast. Splitting up is the best way.” He crossed his arms and looked away. He loved his sister, he truly did, but Gods, did her over protectiveness enrage him. Why didn’t she understand? They were living in an alleyway and were starving. Now wasn’t the time to get sentimental. They had no security or comfort, except for each other and the clothes on their backs. Until they were old enough to join the training corps, which wasn’t for over another year, they needed to survive, and in any way possible. If they went along with Mikasa’s plan, they would never get enough food, and eventually would all be caught. Then, they would probably end up like the poor souls who were forced back over the wall in the form of a Wall Maria reclamation expedition. Nearly 20% of the human population perished, including Armin’s Grandfather. Previously, he was the reason as to why they had rations in the first place. But now, they were on their own. As Eren fumed to himself, Mikasa looked to Armin in support. “Armin please, we need to stick together!” The blond haired boy wrapped his arms around his knees, crunching his eyebrows together in thought. “I get what you’re saying Mikasa, because I don’t want to split up either.” Mikasa instantly smiled with relief, and looked at Eren, as if Armin’s statement would ease him out of his tantrum. “However,” Armin continued, with a frown on his face, “I think in this instance, Eren’s actually right.” Mikasa’s head snapped back at Armin, her eyes shining with betrayal. Armin quickly raised his hands in surrender, trying to ease Mikasa back down. “Look. I get it, but if we stay together, we run a far greater chance of being caught, because we would stand out more. Alone, we slip in and out much easier. We also triple the amount of food we take. And we can even hit different parts of nearby towns, and not get caught with the other thieves here. This is a huge advantage, because they know most of the refugees are staying in this area. Farther towns wouldn’t be on the lookout for as many thieves, and especially not children as young as us. Do you see?” Armin’s eyes quickly whizzed back and forth from Mikasa to Eren, who had turned back around when Armin defended his idea. Mikasa stared at Armin in disbelief, but quickly came to realize that her own plan would not be followed. In surrender, she tucked her chin underneath her scarf, and nodded. “I don’t like it. But if we’re going to do this your way, we’ll have to plan. I won’t let us go into this blindly.” Eren and Armin let out breaths of relief, glad they wouldn’t have to fight against Mikasa further. They didn’t have much time anyway, if they had to prepare themselves. Eren did feel guilty for yelling at his sister though, and quickly reached out his hand to grab hers. “It’ll be okay, Mikasa. I’m strong. We’re strong. We can do this. We’ll be the best thieves inside Wall Rose!” A cute side grin came upon Erens face. Mikasa gave out a small smile in response, and looked back to Armin. “Okay. So how are we doing this?”       Two days later, the three friends huddled in their alleyway, the sun sinking down past the walls and into a gorgeous sunset. In order to use their daytime light to their full advantage, they planned to travel to each of their designated towns while the sun was still out, then wait until it became darker in order to better camouflage themselves on the streets. They had to be careful about this though, because the later it became, the more vendors closed up their merchandise. Tonight would be their testing night, to see what times would work best in each of their towns, along with the best streets. “Okay”, Armin whispered, “It’s becoming dark enough so it’ll be hard to see us, but the venders are still open on the streets. Remember, you need to get there before the late crowds leave, or else it’ll be harder to grab something. Meet back here before midnight.” A loud growl interrupted Armin’s small speech, and caused a deep blush to emerge on his skin. He grabbed his thin stomach, trying to quiet it down. “I’m hungry too. Let’s just go. I’ll see you guys tonight!” Eren gave a little laugh and began jogging out of their backstreet, waving goodbye to his friends one last time before disappearing. If he turned around, he would’ve seen Mikasa’s and Armin’s worried looks upon their faces. Eren jogged down the little road, passing by multiple vendors that were giving him the stink eye. It was obvious he was a refugee, with his torn clothes and no shoes. Nobody would trust any refugee from Wall Maria in this city, as they were all scrambling around for anything they could take. Eren glared back at anyone who connected with his gaze, and ran further away from the disdainful eyes. He followed his path leading towards the inner Wall Sina, while Mikasa went west, and Armin went east towards Stohess. Their plan was to get out as far as they could to other towns while still making in back to their alley way in time. While the thought of just moving to another town had come up, rumors were going around of available jobs on nearby farms, and they, along with many other refugees, were awaiting for further news. Armin and Mikasa of course, stayed hopeful for this for their own reasons. Eren, on the other hand, thought he had a much more realistic view of the world. Farming jobs. Yeah right. Even if there were any, it’s not like we would be picked up. We're too small to work. At least that’s what everyone else thinks. He huffed to himself and kicked a rock out of the pathway with the sole of his foot. He didn’t think he was that small. Or weak. He wasn’t. He could fight, and not as good as Mikasa, but he could. And he was smart, not like Armin- smart, but he could think on his feet. He could work. Look at him now! He was going to steal in order to eat. He could do it. He could. And he would. Eren continued on the path way for almost an hour, the night coming upon the sky rather quickly. The moon became his main source of light as he reached a small town. Finally. The town itself appeared small and rather rundown. It was comprised mostly of bars it seemed, as the streets were noisy and crowded. Lanterns hanged sporadically every few feet down the main street, where there were a couple of vendors talking amongst late night shoppers. Eren tried to stay in the shadows as he drew nearer, passing by a couple of jewelry stands. You’re not food…that’s not food… Where’s some bread? Eren’s stomach gave a loud rumble, and he grasped it in embarrassment. No one seemed to have heard it, as he passed through a small crowd, but it still planted a small blush on his cheeks. Eren kept walking down the street, eyeing the vendors, but no food came upon his view. It was only jewelry, florists, blacksmith merchants and wood carvers. No no no no no! Eren practically ran through the main road, stopping at every vender twice. He was only glanced at, as it seemed many couples liked to gather around these venders at night. Being small enough, he went mostly unnoticed behind the swell of women’s skirts and the height of the male companion. But there were no food vendors. Why? They had everything else it seemed! What was their issue? Eren dragged his feet to the sidewalk of a building, where he sat down in defeat. Just great. My one shot to not screw up and help Mikasa and Armin and I’m going to turn up with nothing. I’m so hungry, I know their starving too. And I can’t go anywhere else… This is the last town with vendors before Wall Sina. What am I going to do? Eren pulled his head into his hands and dug his fingers into his scalp. Sitting here wasn’t going to help, but what was his other choice? He was stuck, and he refused to go back to his friends emptyhanded. As Eren tried to think up possibilities of attained some sort of substance for the night, a loud boom! came from his left. He jumped at the sound, but quickly got up and walked to the corner of the building, peering down an alleyway from where the noise came from. A man walked out of a side door from the building Eren had rested on, and was carrying two heavy black bags. He threw them to the opposite side of the alley, turned black around, and slammed the door shut behind him with another bang. Eren’s eyes widened as the smell from the bags whiffed up to his nose. Food! Rotting food, but food none the less. He couldn’t believe his luck. This never happened at the main town; scraps were always used in some form. Throwing food away like this was just… Eren glanced back in order to see if someone saw him, and quickly ducked into the alleyway, skidding towards the bags and opening them. His handed became dirtied as he tore through the piles of rotten food, finding only empty cans, bread crumbs, and scrapes of rotten meat. Eren stood up in anger and growled, kicking the bags away from him. He leaned against the side wall, sliding down until his head touched his knees. Nothing. No bread. No food. I’m useless. Tears of frustration pricked the corners of his eyes, and he quickly swiped his hand across his face to get rid of the evidence.   Eren sat there with his eyes closed and body curled up for warmth. The half- moon shone brighter in the sky, and the night grew steadily colder. He had about another half hour before he had to return to Mikasa and Armin, with nothing in his hands. He didn’t want to give up, but there was nothing else he could try. He had looked between the remaining town alleyways for more trash bags, but there was nothing. In defeat, he return to the first ally, and dig through the trash again, hoping he had missed something, but to no avail. During this time, the vendors had left, the couples had disappeared, and the only sounds that could be heard came from the randy bars which were sprinkled up and down the main road. In fact, the trash bags even came from a bar, which seemed to be more heavily populated than others. It was actually a wonder than Eren hadn’t been kicked out of the area yet. He sighed to himself, trying to face the fact that he had to go back to Mikasa and Armin like this. Like a loser. Like someone who gave up. And that wasn’t him! It wasn’t. But he didn’t know what else to do. “Hey Runt.” Eren snapped his head up at the sound of a voice, finding a huge man staring down at him in the alley. He scrambled back further into the alley way on his palms, his heart pounding at the sudden shock. He quickly got up and clenched his fists. The man laughed. He looked to be about 6 feet, with decent clothes on. He didn’t seem rich, nor poor. He had no mustache or beard, but messy brown short hair. Eren pegged him around his 30’s. “You. Ya hungry?” Eren squirmed. “Why? Got anything for me?” The man smirked, his eyes lighting up shrewdly. “I’ll make you a deal. See, I saw you scrounging around the town earlier. You won’t find food here like that. But, I can get some for you, if you do something for me.” His smirk lengthened into a secretive smile, as he leaned on the side of the building wall. “What do you want?” “Oh, a little of this. Little of that. Depends on you how much food ya want. More you give, more ya get. Get it? Simple.” Eren scrunched his nose. The guy was talking in riddles, and the air he was giving off seemed strange. But he was offering food, and if he wasn’t lying, which Eren didn’t think he was, then he wouldn’t find food here on any vendors. Despite his instincts, Eren needed to give this a chance. He figured if he was willing to steal, then he could do what the guy wanted. Really, his stomach was so hungry, he’d really do just about anything for food right now. He hadn’t eaten in two days, and was feeling lightheaded and physically weaker than normal. “Okay. But I want the food first.” “Ha! Yeah right. But look, I’ll show you.” The man pulled out a whole loaf of bread from his inside jacket pocket, showing it to Eren. “Ya see? And there’s more where that came from. Just depends on what you do for me.” Eren’s mouth watered when he saw the bread. He didn’t know if it was his imagination, but he swore to himself that he could smell it. He found himself nodding along to what the guy said, but knew that he just wanted the bread tonight. That way he could see what the guy was about, and then hopefully, if he could do what the guy wanted, he could come back and try for more food. The guy smirked at Eren, and stowed the bread away. “Great. Let’s get started.” He walked closer to Eren, grabbed his wrist, and pulled him deeper into the alleyway. Eren automatically protested the treatment, but ultimately followed the man holding him. He was brought into the crevice of the alley, where it was darker and the moonlight barely touched his face. “Get on your knees.” “…What?” The man growled and grabbed Eren’s hair in a tight grip, forcing his knees to hit the ground. He grunted in pain, and tried to get the man’s hands off of his head, but he was much stronger than Eren. “What the heck! What are you-” Eren cut himself off when he saw the man unbuckling his pants, and pulled his underwear down. Gasping, Eren began struggling to get free. “No, no! Stop it-” “Shut up! You wanted the bread. You just gotta open your mouth for me for a couple of minutes. Capeesh? Now open up.” Keeping Eren in place still with on hand holding onto his hear, the other forced open his mouth, squeezing at his cheeks until the pain was too much. Eren’s breathing turned ragged as he gazed upon the man’s penis. He had never seen one other than his and Armin’s, because they bathed together, but his was huge! Eren’s eyes began tearing up as the prospect of what was going to happen hit him in the span of seconds. He didn’t know that this was what the man wanted. He didn’t even think about it! Eren was young, too young, he only vaguely knew what this was because some refugees had become prostitutes in order to earn money. He, Mikasa, and Armin had both heard about and witnessed some forms of prostitution, but even then, the concept was still quite foreign for their young minds.   Can I really do this? Eren didn’t seem to have a choice, as the man had opened up his mouth and stuffed his prick down his throat within seconds.       A satisfied sigh was heard in the night. "Damn. That was perfect runt, thanks for that. Oh, here’s the bread too.” Eren heard a quiet thump next to his knees on the ground. The bread. “Oh, if you come back, I’ll meet you here again for a trade, you got me? I can get loads of food for ya. You just gotta give me something too.” The man laughed, turned and walked out of the alleyway, whistling a small tune to himself. Eren turned his head away from the sounds and threw up what little was in his stomach. He dry heaved again when he realized what he had thrown up on the ground, something that was white. Chapter End Notes Hope it wasn't too bad! i hope to update next week. Reviews will make me write more and make me super happy because its my first story :) Thanks for Reading! ***** Figuring it Out ***** Chapter Summary Eren has to figure it out. How was he going to face Mikasa and Armin after what had just happened? Chapter Notes Chapter 2!!! Sorry it's late, i'm in the process of moving houses and it's been pretty rough. But i hope you guys enjoy! I had to rewrite the first part of the chapter because i wasn't very happy with it, and now it seems so much better :) So have fun reading! AND THANK YOU SO MUCH for the comments and kudos! See the end of the chapter for more notes I did it for food. It was for food. It didn’t mean anything. Just a trade. I have food. Eren firmly repeated this mantra in his head as he slowly walked back to Mikasa and Armin in a daze. He refused to further think about what had happened, because when he did, his stomach tightened and his body tried to heave out anything that was left in his stomach. He had thrown up enough in the alleyway, thank you very much. His throat felt on fire, his knees were skinned up from the ground, his face was swollen from tears, and his mind was in shambles. But he had food. Too bad Eren didn’t think he could stomach any of it. His raving appetite an hour prior had disappeared after the trade, and Eren wasn’t too sure it would come back any time soon. That was alright though, more for Mikasa and Armin. He would rather sleep anyways, his mind too exhausted from rewinding the last 60 minutes or so. While he knew Mikasa and Armin would be worried sick already, considering it was past midnight, he knew the whole loaf of bread would cheer them up. But, he would never tell them how he got it. No. There was no way in hell that he would ever tell his two best friends what had happened. He could already imagine their reactions. No, it wouldn’t go well at all. It wasn’t even going well for Eren, who was still wondering whether what had happened was actually acceptable. It was an exchange. Eren didn’t know what the man had wanted until it was too late, but he did receive food. But he wouldn’t have done it if he knew what the man had wanted beforehand. Right? He wouldn’t of. No. But then again…. No! So what if he was starving, there was no way he would have consensually lowered himself like that. He would’ve rather starved! He would’ve rather starved. But What about Mikasa and Armin? What was left of Eren heart pinged a little in response. He would’ve rather starved for himself. But for them… for his friends… for the two most precious souls that Eren had vowed to protect and keep safe from people and titans and anything else that could be seen as harmful… Then… Eren knew he would’ve done anything. He took a deep breath as he came to a conclusion in his head, but could not stop his body from reacting to the past events that had suddenly catapulted to the front of his mind. His breathing suddenly became erratic, and his hands trembled hard enough that he almost dropped the loaf of bread he was carrying. Eren began hyperventilating so badly that he stopped in the middle of the road, and staggered to his knees towards the ground. He dug his hands into his scalp, pulling at his hair to try and pull his mind back into reality. He felt- rather than heard- a high pitched whine breaking out from his throat, and he gasped for air as the sound left his body. Giving himself another few minutes to get his breathing under control, he realized he needed to sort himself out before presenting himself to his friends, or else Mikasa and Armin would know that something was wrong instantly. Because this... breathing thing, that couldn’t happen again. At least not in front of his friends. Okay. So how does he control that? How can he control his emotions and reactions to being- Wait. No. No! It wasn’t rape, it wasn’t. He had just gone over this with himself hadn’t he? It was an exchange. An exchange. His body for food to give to Mikasa and Armin. A needed exchange that didn’t harm them, and was quick, and gave him food to bring back to his friends. It was a trade. Work for food. That’s all. And lots of people don’t like their work, right? Right. Okay. Okay. It was a trade a trade a trade just work Eren just work that’s all you’re fine you’re fine YOU’RE FINE okay just forget it you have food now concentrate on that be happy you have food you did work for food what work what work you you you what did you do? He needed a cover story. Eren looked down at himself, his eyes squinting in concentration. His clothes were covered in dirt, stains, (stains stains white gross no stop) and his knees were scraped and bruised. He knew his face had bruises from the man grabbing it (no stop what are you doing) What work could get him so dirty (dirty)like this? He couldn’t properly clean himself up before meeting back home, he had nowhere to go and no more time. He had to think of something, quick. He was determined to do this. For Mikasa and Armin. Just as Eren picked himself back up from the ground and tried his best to brush off the dirt from his tattered clothes, it hit him like lightning. He could say he cleaned. He could say he was paid in food for cleaning up a bar, and some drunk people got rowdy and of course he fought back because he’s Eren right? So of course Eren fought and that how he got scraped up and bruised up and- Okay. That’ll work. Now all Eren had to do was keep himself together. He took one more deep breath in order to finish off the last of his panicking, gripped harder on the loaf of bread in his hands, and set off. And as Eren began walking back to Mikasa and Armin once again, it seemed that with every step he took, his determination set in to help Eren keep his new horrifying secret deep within himself. And as every foot hit the dirt, Eren’s mind tightened around his soul with iron chains, protecting himself and his friends from revealing what had truly taken place hours before. With every step, Eren’s heart hardened and his body became his shell. With every step, Eren began believing that the exchange (usediwasusediwasforcedandtakeniwasrapednoshutupdontthinklikethatcantthinklikethat) was a needed trade in order for survival, and that because Mikasa and Armin wouldn’t understand that, they would only know that Eren cleaned up places instead for the food. He didn’t become a thief at all, in fact. Really, they should be proud of him for finding a true and honest job! Really, cleaning… and if he went back- (noidontwannagobackdontmakemeshutupitsneededshutupshutup) He could get more food too. Much more. Chains tightened around Eren’s fragile heart, protecting it from everyone who dared try to touch.     With a closed mind and a hardened heart, Eren purposefully turned the corner of the dark street and walked down into the familiar alleyway, where he could barely make out two huddled shapes at the very end. One hand holding onto the loaf of bread, the other tightened into a fist in determination. As his footsteps grew louder, the two figures startled. “Eren?” “Eren!” “Mikasa, Armin, I’m sorry I’m late, but look!” Eren ran up and practically shoved the loaf of bread into their faces, and while it was not warm and soft because of the travelling, its wonderful aroma seeped into Armin’s and Mikasa’s noses, making them sigh in pleasure. “I got a whole loaf of bread!” Eren grinned at his two friends, but quickly his face turned into surprise as he was swarmed into a group hug by both of them. “Eren! Don’t scare us like that again! We decided on a time to come back for a reason! Why did you come back so late?” It didn’t seem as though Mikasa was taking a breath between sentences as she rapidly questioned Eren’s night. Her hug had gotten tighter and tighter every second, and Eren panicked at the feeling. He began to squirm and threw off their arms, taking longer to push away Mikasa’s fighting touch. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let them touch him. Don’t touch me. “Slow down Mikasa!” Eren growled, “I’m okay, it’s fine! Sheesh. Focus on the food why don’t you? What did you guys get?” Focus on the food focus on the food the food the food food bread hands wait no focus EREN Armin gazed up at Eren with his bright blue eyes. “I got lucky, I scrounged the trash bins around town first, and found two cans of beans! I figured that would be enough for now, and decided to come back here. I don’t want to steal if I don’t have to.” Armin then held two small cans in his hand, showing off his achievement to his friends. Eren tried his best to smile. “That’s awesome Armin!” I tried that too why didn’t I find food why couldn’t I have found food why didn’t I not good enough no good but exchanged we exchanged its fine its fine not fine Eren did his very best to not show how he had felt when Armin told him how her had found his food. Jealous much? Yes, he was jealous that Armin found an easier way than him, that Armin had gotten off easier, that Armin hadn’t been pulled down to the ground and forced to open his mouth and couldn’t breathe and couldn’t stop him and couldn’t- Thankfully, Mikasa’s soft voice cut off his own in his head, saving him from almost coming undone in front of his friends. His guilty eyes quickly glanced at Armin, who had the frightening ability to see past people better than anyone he had ever known, but he was too preoccupied on the food in his hands. Eren had to keep in together. He couldn’t let them catch on. Keep it together. Stand your ground. Focus on the food. Focus on your friend’s survival. Do what needs to be done. Do what needs to be done. “Eren?” Eren turned his head and looked at Mikasa. “Huh?” “Did you hear what I said? Are you okay?” Her eyes looked wearily at her brother, her eyes jumped up and down his body quickly as she finally took in the dirt and bruises on his body. “Eren! What happened to you?! Why do you have bruises on your face?! And your clothes!” “What? Oh!” Eren looked down at himself in response, though he had already known what he looked like. The little light coming from the moon thankfully couldn’t show just how much damage there truly was. Here we go Eren don’t fuck this up don’t fuck this up LIE EREN do what needs to be done Eren do what needs to be done they cant know no one can know don’t show it don’t show anything nothing happened remember you were cleaning and then fighting fighting fighting no stop NO The chains that had wrapped around Eren’s heart tightened, and his mind built up walls of crystal. Not stone. Stone breaks. Stone falls. Stone doesn’t protect. But crystal. This crystal… He is invulnerable. He is unbeatable. He is impenetrable. With his mind and heart locked down, he knew, in these precious seconds, that he could lie. He could lie to the faces of his dearest friends, in order to protect them. Because it was for their protection. Because it was also for his own. Do what needs to be done. “Oh yeah, I got lucky like Armin, thankfully!” Eren felt his body smile at his friends, his mouth turning upwards. “Some bar owner saw me scrounging around, and asked me if I wanted to clean up his place for food. But when I was doing that, some drunks decided to pick on the dirty kid for fun, you know? I was about to kick their asses when the owner stopped it for some reason!” Eren heard himself scoff.  “But it was all fine, the owner said I could come back to clean up again and he’d trade something else.” “Oh, if you come back, I’ll meet you here again for a trade, you got me? I can get loads of food for ya. You just gotta give me something too.” Despite his reassurances, Mikasa looked concerned. “Cleaning up a bar? That’s an actual job! Why doesn’t he pay you? And you shouldn’t be joining in fights, Eren!” “Well it’s not like I asked to fight!” I didn’t ask I didn’t want I didn’t I didn’t “Regardless, I don’t like how dangerous that situation is!” “Oh, like becoming a thief is any better?? Stop being a hyprocrite! It worked out didn’t it? That’s all that matters. I got a full loaf of bread out of it! That’s better than anything you got!” Eren felt his blood pumping at Mikasa’s arguments, and hated that she was still trying to be protective of him. It was too late for that. It was way too late. Just hearing her try sent his temper rising. “Eren-” Armin looked thoughtful and Mikasa argued with her brother. It was true, Eren had gotten the best food out of all of them. While Armin had picked up two measly cans of beans, Mikasa could only steal an apple, which had supposedly fallen from a vendor’s cart and he packed up for the night. It seemed vendors didn’t like being out after dark, and that had not gone well with their plans at all. But evidently, if Eren could keep this cleaning job for food, then they could probably last the rest of their time on the streets like this. “Wait, Eren, why doesn’t the bar owner pay you instead of giving out food?” Eren and Mikasa stopped arguing when Armin cut in, and Eren turned towards his smaller friend. “Because I’m a dirty homeless kid, Armin, come on. Who would pay me for a job right now? He’s taken pity on me. And he had me do the jobs even his regular cleaning guy won’t do. So it works out. I’ll go back in a couple of days, when we run out of this food, and I’ll get something else.” Eren heard himself speak as the words came out smoothly, his ears staying the same temperature, and his body relaxed. He felt as though it wasn’t even himself speaking, that he was just watching a show. He saw Armin nod attentively in response to his answer, accepting it as truth. Eren’s heart jolted a little at the easy way he had lied to his friends, but as the chains around his heart squeezed, he knew it was for their own good. And because it was for them, it didn’t matter that Eren was feeling a little weird. It didn’t matter that he felt as though he wasn’t really there, that he was hiding behind his crystal walls safe from the swarming emotions that tried to drag him down into a nightmarish tunnel of darkness, where hands were waiting to touch and feel and hold and yank and pull and grab grab grab- No. It didn’t matter. He was okay for now. He figured it out, how to lie. How to face his friends with made up stories of the night. How to come to accept that the exchange with that man (monster) was needed in order for them to survive. So that’s what he’ll do. Keep Mikasa and Armin alive with enough food. Because he’ll do what needs to be done. Do what needs to be done. And next time, he’ll bring more food.   Chapter End Notes Okay, give me another week for the next chapter hopefully! We'll begin on Eren's journey of become a kid prostitute, basically. Poor Eren is going to go through some tough stuff. COMMENTS KUDOS ANYTHING is super welcome! constructive criticism would be great, anything is great, really! every time i get a notification i try and write more for the chapter, so please drop a note:) oh, and i hope everyone had a Happy Valentine's Day! ***** Going Back ***** Chapter Summary Armin and Mikasa think Eren is acting strange, but Eren can't let them in. His only option to get them to back off is to hurt them. They're out of food again, and another trip is needed. Eren has to go back to the alley way for another trade. Chapter Notes Im back! sorry its late, but it is longer! I am actually in the process of moving, so its been busy. BUT SERIOUSLY GuYS I don't know how i came up with this chapter, it def was not what i had intended, but the chapter kinda got away from me. 'shrugs' Soooo this is the outcome, i hope you guys enjoy! AND THANK YOU for the kind comments and kudos; i'm sorry i haven't replied to them yet, but know i honestly cherish each and every one! See the end of the chapter for more notes 5 days later, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin had at last ran out of their small collection of food. The bread had lasted them three whole days, while the apple and can of beans had only lasted two days together. And although Armin and Mikasa had figured Eren now had a tentative “job” that could bring in a steady amount of sustenance, they were still weary of its ambiguous description. Mikasa, who could not help her protectiveness of her brother, was especially concerned of Eren going back to the so-called bar. But without evidence to stop him, and with their next food trip about to take place, she could only come up with a couple ideas that could possibly make her feel better about the situation. She had brought up both concepts to Armin the night before, but they barely had time to discuss them before Eren had come back from his wandering off. She then tried to wait until he had fallen asleep, but it ended up being for naught, as it seemed as though he was having trouble sleeping the last couple of days. At least more than usual. While it was hard for any of them to get a full nights rest on a cold and disgusting floor that had no protection against the elements, Eren’s eye bags had noticeably grown and darkened, leading Mikasa to believe he was sleeping much less. He had also become more irritable, and seemed to shove Mikasa away every time she talked to him. Though to be fair, she usually tried to talk to him about his new bar “job”, so maybe she was asking for a fight. She really didn’t know how to explain it, call it a gut-feeling, or because of their deep bond from childhood, but she knew something was off with Eren. Ever since he had come back from the town with that stupid loaf of bread in his hands, he had been… off. There was no other word to explain it. He wasn’t acting overly different, no. He was still picking fights with her, and laughing with Armin, and going crazy over the word, “Titan”. But sometimes he would stop talking in the middle of a sentence and go quiet, such as when they were talking about heading to the river to go wash, because Eren was so dirty from his cleaning job the night before. Or when he had blanked out of his conversation with Armin, who then touched his cheek out of concern, and Eren had jumped about 10 feet into the air in panic. Of course, when questioned, he confidently said that he was thinking of Titans, and had quickly gone on another rampage, but Mikasa still wasn’t fully convinced, and neither was Armin. All they knew was that these changes had started after he had come back late from this first night of stealing, and she was determined to find out why.     “Eren? Can I talk to you?” Eren turned his head from Armin, who had just been warning him about watching his tongue around the bar people and to hold in his temper, so as not to get in another fight and get roughed up again. Ha. I’m just hoping to get back alive and in one piece, with a bucket of food for us lying in my arms. And that’ll be worth it. That’ll be worth it, Armin. I’ll get you food. I can see your bones Armin. Through those holes in your shirt there. Bones, bones, one bone two bone three bone four- “What? What’s up?” Mikasa bit her lip, and saw Armin glance at her knowingly behind Eren’s back. “I thought that I could go with you to your town, this time. I could work with you and get more food that way.” “What? No!” Automatic. There was no way Mikasa would ever step foot in that town. Or Armin. He’d kill all of them if they even triedto touch his family. Not them. Never them. “Why not? It makes sense! I could-” “NO Mikasa! The old man’s not giving me food out of the kindness of his heart you know, he sees me as a piece of garbage. He won’t like another one of the refugees hanging round. He said just me being there was bad enough for his bar. There’s no way he’d let you work too.” Eren didn’t know what he was saying any more, he just knew that he needed to drive Mikasa’s stupid plan away as far as possible. Words came blurting out of him mouth and his firsts tightened in anger, his body trembling in fear and anger for Mikasa. Stupid stupid stupid! Mikasa stop please just don’t just don’t try please stop But Mikasa couldn’t read Eren’s mind, and with her first plan already shot down, she pushed on to her second plan instead. And despite Eren’s immediate aggressiveness, Mikasa kept her calm demeanor in the face of her brother and Armin. “Then if you think he won’t let both of us work, then I’ll go this time instead. And you can try my town. I can handle fighting better than you.” She really couldn’t see how he could counter this option. It was logical after all, it even had Armin’s seal of approval. Inside, she had a smug smile planted on her mouth, behind her cool façade. Eren’s mouth dropped in disguised horror, his mind bringing up awful images of Mikasa taking his place. No. No. He could not, would not allow this. But what to do what to do?  In Eren’s lack of response, Armin piped up, “It does make sense Eren, Mikasa could go this time, and you can try stealing again.” They were ganging up on him. They didn’t understand! They couldn’t know what they were asking. As Eren felt his anger and fear mix into a strange type of adrenaline rush that boiled his blood, he growled out in panic, “Shut up!” Shut up shut up shut up shut up you don’t know you cant know how the fuck can you even ask me you cant fight them cant win cant fight fight fight eren EREN fight! Whatever Mikasa was about to say in retort would never be known, as her eyes widened at Eren’s frantic state and her mouth closed up. “I’m so sick of you trying to protect me, Mikasa! Just stop it! I found this job, I’ll be the one going!” Dear Gods, was Eren pulling anything he could use from his mouth. He had to stop them, he had to. No matter what he said. He would rather hurt them with his words, than have either of them get hurt like he had been. “Besides, as you and Armin had so clearlypointed out, I don’t fight as good as you! So then you should go steal instead! I don’t care about getting roughed up, I can handle myself; I don’t need you! So go do your own jobs, and worry about saving your own hide. And I’ll worry about mine.” It felt as though ever since he had come back from that night, every word spoken to Mikasa was repetitive. She had been bugging him again and again about that stupid job, and she wouldn’t leave him alone. He had tried his best to stomp down on her endless questions about the bar, but when it came to protecting Eren, she was the most stubborn person on the planet. Only Eren could stop her, but it looked as though he hadn’t done anything to make her believe his lies. Unfortunately, in order to truly get her to back off, along with Armin, he had to hurt her feelings. But better him than them hurting her. Eren sighed in frustration and looked up at the sky, sunset had arrived. It was time to go. He glanced back at Mikasa, whose face was blank, but mouth once again open to fight. But Eren angrily cut her off again before she could try to get another word in. “You’re not my mom, Mikasa. Stop trying to replace her, because you can’t. We’re not five years old anymore. I can protect myself, and I don’t need you. So just back off, and leave me alone.” He turned to Armin, his heart drowning in his own betrayal of his friends. But he knew that this was needed, he had to get them to stop questioning him. He had to get them off his ass. “You’re not helping things either! I know you’ve been talking to each other about me, about if I can do this. Fuck off. I’m not some kid. I’m not weak. Stop playing concerned parents and concentrate on what we need to survive. Watch your own backs and don’t get yourselves killed. Get food. That all you guys need to focus on.” Eren watched as Armins eyes widened at his small speech, disbelief clouding those blue orbs. But he couldn’t let that stop him. To drive the nail in the coffin, Eren began walking out of the alleyway they called home, and as he passed Mikasa, he threw his shoulder into her, making her stumble on her feet. “Mikasa! Are you okay?” He heard Armin call. A soft whisper. “...I’m fine.”     Please don’t hate me. I love you guys, I promise. I did it for you. I did it for you! As Eren walked out of their shared alleyway and down the side street towards the way out of town, his felt his chest tighten and his lower lip tremble. His eyes watered slightly, and he began to take shortened breaths, because he suddenly couldn’t find enough air. Without his consent, two water tracks ran down his face, and he quickly wiped them away with his thin shirt. Crying. He knew why he was crying, and he couldn’t help it. He had been cruel to his friends, and hated himself for it. Okay, yes, he had yelled at Mikasa and Armin before, but never with malicious intent. And not with such a devious reason as to why. Now he just felt so guilty for spouting all those words towards Armin and Mikasa, who were only concerned for him, and had every right to be. But he knew they couldn’t, they couldn’t pry into what he was going back to. And he only had seconds, seconds! To think about how to get them to back off.  What could he say, he panicked. It was the best he could’ve done, but how he hated himself even more now. He could only hope they had the hearts to forgive his behavior, and come to see it as the known appearance of “Angry Eren Who Was Still Hurting From His Mom’s Death And Wanted Revenge.” Which was true! That was still who he was, really, he was still focused on killing Titans…eventually. But now… with starvation as their primary reason for impending death, food was now his number one priority, and his focus was on finding ways to get it. Titans would have to wait for another year. So for now, he figured himself as “Traumatized Eren Who Was Keeping His Friends Alive By Selling His Heart And Soul To Human Monsters.” Well, at least his name was the same. As Eren continued to walk, each foot seemed to weigh heavier and heavier, and he found himself almost constantly turning around and running back to hide and curl up in a sobbing ball of misery. He dreaded what he was walking towards. What he was now consensually walking towards. And he knew it would be worse. Much worse. Oh Gods, why was he doing this again? Armin and MikasaArminand MikasaArminMikasaKeepthemAliveErenAlive Do What Needs to Be Done. And although Eren determinedly kept repeating this mantra to himself the whole way to the town, his legs still shook like leaves in the wind, and his body trembling as if it was freezing outside. His heart was pounding, and he could help but keep licking his lips in nervousness. He felt tears come to his eyes every few minutes, but he had quickly become quite good at preventing himself from crying when he stayed focused, and so he kept his face dry. This trick had been developed after he had gotten back 5 days ago from the first night, where he had almost broken down when he tried to fall asleep between Armin and Mikasa. That had not gone well. He could stand their touch anymore. It wasn’t as if they had reminded him of that man, but he had just felt so dirty, so used, and he was just so overwhelmed with everything, that he couldn’t stomach any more physical sensation, no matter the person. And it had only gotten worse from there. He had been having more trouble sleeping, because nightmares of the trade in the alley had formed. So he didn’t sleep much anymore. He had gotten more irritable. More angry. More irrational. He knew, that despite his newly built crystal shell and armor that guarded what was left of himself, Mikasa and Armin could tell something was off. But he tried his best to play it cool, and continued on as if nothing had happened to him. Yes, he knew he messed up several times, such as flinching or not paying attention, but if he could play his cards right, hopefully it’ll be forgotten. Hopefully, anyways. Mikasa and Armin finding out his dirty little secret really depended on his actions after tonight, and Eren didn’t know if he would even survive it, let alone come back and play “Happy Eren Who Brings Food Back To Friends.”     Eren just knew- as he finally saw the outskirts of the dreaded town- that he had to shut himself off as soon as he finds the alleyway again, because even the place would set off his pounding heart and shaking fists. He might even throw up just looking at it, based on how his stomach was feeling already. The town looked the same, still rather small and neglected. He could relate to it, really. Every step he took that brought him closer to the alley made him feel smaller and smaller, and hopeless to what was to come. He could hear the laughter coming from the bar already, mixing in with the other rowdy social groups that lingered outside and farther down the street. Sticking to the shadows once again, Eren couldn’t help but scan the faces he could see as he walked closer to the bar. He didn’t know if the man was already there, looking for him. It was still earlier then the last time he had come, after all. But Eren couldn’t help but tremble as he glanced at each man’s face. I don’t see him. And while the thought helped his body relax a little, at least to stop trembling so badly, his mind refused to unwind. He could be waiting for me there already. He clenched his jaw at the thought, and as the alleyway came closer and Eren could no longer walk unless he passed it, he bit his lip, took a shaky breath, and forced himself to quickly turn into the alleyway before he could think more on it. But he was so terrified, so nervous, that his eyes closed shut without his consent, and he reached out for the brick wall nearest to his left side to help balance himself. He felt the rough texture with his palm, sliding it down to gain some type of feeling for his petrified body. Oddly enough, the feeling comforted Eren, and he ended up practically plastering himself to the cool wall, knocking his forehead on the rough barrier. Taking shakier breathes, he felt as though he could finally open his eyes, and he cautiously glanced out to the right, looking deeper into the dark passage. Darkness. Nothing. Sound? No. No shadows either. No, there was nobody down there. He wasn’t down there. Eren let out a breath of relief, and took himself off the wall in adrenaline- filled bravery. He looked down the alley for a few more seconds, noticing the trash had already been taken out by the bar. Eren walked over to the bags, and began digging in them for any edible leftovers. There’s no food here. Just junk. Metal. Torn fabric. Nothing edible. Fuck. Well, there went Eren’s tiny hope; that there would’ve been something he could take back to his friends without waiting to become a fuck toy for the man. But there was nothing. He should have known. He wasn’t lucky after all was he? Not smart like Armin, either, or strong like Mikasa. He wasn’t anything, like the trash. Huh. He was trash, wasn’t he? I’m trash. Garbage. Nothing.   Two hours later, Eren had fought his way through two separate anxiety attacks, bit his lip until it bleed, and formed a bruise on the back of his head from knocking it into the wall so many times in anger and helplessness. He had also found the only comfort he could in the very darkest corner of the alley, where he curled up in a little ball and kept his sharp gaze on anyone who passed by the opening at the street. It was the perfect place to keep watch, and he had settled himself down in order to calm himself down for when the time came. Unfortunately, he wasn’t doing a very good job. It seemed as though Eren could pass as functional and normal with others around, at least Armin and Mikasa, but when alone, his chains and crystal walls tended to disappear, and he was left alone on a sinking boat in the middle of Emotional Ocean. I guess we’ll see if I can hold it together if the man comes. Which Eren didn’t know if he wanted him to actually show up or not. His mind was pulled in both directions. On one hand, if the man comes he can get food, but with an addition of more Traumatized Eren. On the other, he doesn’t get food, but he stayed where he was on the sinking mental boat. He was rationalizing that food meant survival, so really, there was only one option here. Besides, it didn’t matter what Eren wanted, no. It was more of what Eren needed. And that was food. So he needed the man to come. But as yet another quick shadow walked passed the alleyway, and Eren’s heart once again jumped in nervousness, he couldn’t help but think the man was never going to come back, despite what he had said. Maybe he wasn’t good enough. He had fought back, and didn’t know what was happening. Maybe the man didn’t like that? But he did say he was coming back, didn’t he? Didn’t he? Eren felt so conflicted, and his mind was jumping from thought to thought, panicking at the notion of coming back to Armin and Mikasa with no food. Then what would I tell them? I’m nothing. I’m not worth anything. No, he couldn’t come back empty handed. Selling himself had worked the first time; he would just have to find another person who would give him food for his body. He would have to. He had to, despite how his nauseous stomach jumped in objection. Yet Eren slowly stood, using the wall behind him as support for his shaky legs, and began taking small steps out of the alley. He was wasting precious time sitting there, after all. Do what needs to be done, Eren. Shut off your mind. Become nothing. You are nothing. A shadow. Halfway through the alleyway, the opening at the street suddenly became occupied by a large figure. Eren froze, and his heart began to pound so loud he thought he was having a heart attack. His mouth dried up, and his body tensed in fright. Oh Gods OhGods ohGodsohGods helpmenonononoidontwanttodothisichangedmymind Yet Eren stood as still as a statue, and the large figure swaggered forward, the light from the moon barely catching his smirking face. It’s him. Frozen. Eren was frozen- mind and body- and could not think or move from his spot in the ally. Tightened up in fright, he could only stare into the leering face that came closer every booming step, until the man bent down to his height, and it was only inches from his own. “Hey Runt, I missed ya.” Oh Gods. He knew he looked like a frightened deer that recognized they were being hunted, which made the man chuckle to himself. “I was waitin’ on ya, ya know.” The man thrusted his huge hands inside his black trouser pockets, and began to slowly circle Eren, as if he was sizing him up for something. Eren kept his eyes forward, and listened as each foot hit the ground beside him. Every step shook at Eren’s heart, but he dared not fall to the ground in fear just yet. His mind was starting to come back to him, and with it, came his crystal walls. It was easier as the man slowly circled him-although he was looking at Eren like it was his lucky day- because the 11 year old boy felt slightly better when he couldn’t see him at all. But only slighty. Even then, it was enough to shock Eren’s awareness level, and he focused his concentration on mentally building up his walls and chaining his heart. He could hear the man in the background begin to talk again, but he couldn’t listen just yet. He refused to listen until he knew that he would be able to get through this whole ordeal without breaking. So he built. Crystals. Hard, rock solid layer after layer after layer, surrounding his frail mind and wrapping him up in indestructible crystal. He didn’t know what the rock was really made of, but he knew that it was impossible to break. No one could get past it, and that’s what really mattered. The man could never touch him here. He was safe inside his cave, and holding his heavily chained heart close to his body, Eren let himself sleep.     “So, I’ll trade another loaf of bread for ya, and three cans of beans. I’ll even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.” Another lecherous grin. Green eyes focused on the brown haired man standing in front of him. “Trade?” Laughter. “Yeah, Runt. Trade. Ya should be worth about that. It’s a good deal for ya.” Thinking. “…Can you get any kind of food?” The man stood back at full height, crossed his arms, and looked slightly impressed. “Hoh, someone’s getting smart. Ya, I got a hand dipped in some pots here and there. But that’s all I got for today. Take it or leave it, Runt-boy. We can work something out for next time. Kapeesh?” Eren felt himself swallow. “Okay.” A lust-filed grin was caught by the moon’s light. “Then let’s get started.”    Chapter End Notes Hope it wasn't too rough! i told you guys it went in a different direction then intended, but i hope it ended up alright. actually, I DO HAVE A QUESTION: Obviously, the next chapter will be very dark. AND thinking of writing those dark scenes is kinda weirding me out! 'shudder'. ANYWAYS; do you want me to go into detail during the "trade"? or kinda gloss over it? I'm thinking I'll shadow over it if you know what I mean, because Eren has locked himself in his own mind, like dissociation. SO PLEASE give me your opinions! if you want it dark, I will do it! but if enough of you don't, let me know. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT :) reviews give me inspiration! i'm looking at next saturday for the next update. ***** The Destruction and Rebirth of Eren ***** Chapter Summary Eren goes back for a trade. He's destroyed. Just what kind of Eren returns to Armin and Mikasa? Chapter Notes WOW! Hey Guys! Thanks so much for all the suggestions and comments! I loved hearing your opinions and reviews. Now, it seems that i always have an idea of every chapter so far, but its like when i type, the chapter writes itself and goes in a completely different direction! imagine that. SO I HOPE this meets your approval, as i am kind of in love with how much i mentally damage Eren, (SORRY), but it was needed, i promise! PLEASE read the tags, as this is a underage/rape story. See the end of the chapter for more notes Pounding. His head? No, wait. His heart. No, wait, there- There was something else, what else was- Wait no wait WAIT Thrust. Stop Stop No please It Hurts So Bad Thrust. I… I can’t do this Thrust. Please… Thrust. “Fuck, you’re a tight little thing.” Please. Thrust. PLEASE!     “Hey, Runt.” A male’s blurry face came into view. “Next week, yeah? That was fucking good. I’ll even try to bring some meat for ya. If you haven’t got enough already, geddit? Hahaha.” Laughter. Footsteps. Then- no. Nothing but darkness. It was so dark. And… Wetness. On his face? Yes, he was crying. Shivering. He was cold too. Naked. His body curled in closer for warmth. Oh. Apparently his face wasn’t the only part of his body that was wet.     The next time Eren opened his eyes, it was still dark out. It was as silent as a graveyard, with no one in sight of the alleyway. Slowly blinking, Eren gradually became more aware of himself and of his surroundings. He was naked and curled up in a little ball on the dirty ground, with his torn clothes tossed to the side and a small pile of food on top. He let out a sigh of relief at the sight, and attempted a small smile. But too quickly, the small upturn of his lips disappeared and instead began to tremble into a quiet sob, and his eyes watered again like an overflowing river. The trembling seemed to be contagious, and his body violently shook along with his mouth. His quivering hands, which were curled up near his face, grabbed at the ground, unconsciously trying to look for something to keep himself in reality. His nails dug into the cold earth, tiny rocks cutting up his fingertips because of the force used. His eyes, battling the unwavering salty tears, glanced back at the food sitting innocently in a pile across from him, and his face gradually twisted into a determined-like expression, despite the tears running down his reddened cheeks. He huffed out a ragged breath, pressed down on the dirty earth, and turned his shaking body until his knees and hands were holding him up. His drooped head faced the ground, and the tears left his face to drop down into the dirty gravel. Snot from his nose followed slowly, and caught the end pieces of his hair. Gravity… everything was falling away from him, and into the mushy dirt. His tears, his drool, his- Something was leaking out of his- Tell me that isn’t what I think it is please oh please It was as if time had stopped- Eren couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, could only feel- I can feel something- Something wet dripped out of Eren’s backside, and slowly slithered downward, sliding down the inside of his thighs, and down on the side of his knees, until it began forming a tiny red pool in the ground. No no nonono please no- He didn’t want his guess to be right, but he was too frightened to not find out, so Eren reached a violently shaking hand to his backside, sliding his middle finger down until it caught on his inflamed asshole, feeling small wet globs of come and sticky blood dripping out. He brought his hand back to stare at what he had felt sliding out of him, and seeing a sticky mix of white and red, fat tears sprung to his eyes. Eren threw his hand down to the ground and rubbed it into the earth to try and get rid of the evidence. His breathing turned erratic- his lungs could not find enough air, his face becoming swollen with the amount of crying that had begun to emerge. Everything seemed to hit Eren then; his pain, his emotions, his vulnerability. His body was hurting, his ass was on fire, his throat felt raw, and he could feel his palms and knees bleeding. He didn’t feel any of that a few minutes ago. But the pain from his waist down was quickly becoming a rising fire of deep agony, reaching inside as though it was burning his muscles one by one. His shaking became even more violent, he could barely hold himself up- and he felt his teeth chattering even though it wasn’t that cold anymore.  He felt as though he would collapse any second, but some in the back of his mind knew that if he dared fall, he’d lie there until he died. So, despite the pain he was feeling, despite feeling torn in half and seeing the disgusting evidence of what had happened to him rubbed into the pebbles on the ground, he slowly began to crawl his way across the small alleyway, and toward his clothes and food. He focused his breathing to a manageable pace, and made sure his shaking limps would not give out on him as he crawled. The way he saw it, he could stay there and die, or he could get up and fight, but that’s it, there’s no turning back. He moved at a snail’s pace, because every foot he gained, he seemed to also increase his pain. The width of the alleyway was not large by any means, but in Eren’s situation, it seemed as though he had to cross the whole of Wall Rose. As he crawled, his bloodied knees and palms began to leave imprints of blood on the ground, along with the trail that dripped from Eren’s ass, and the tears that left his reddened face.  comeonErenalmostthere Gasping out his breaths, he finally collapsed into the wall as he reached the other side of the alley, and clumsily reached for his clothes that were under the pile of food. He snatched up his raggedy shirt and threw it over himself, trying his best not to get any blood on it. He just didn’t want to feel so naked anymore. He let out a sigh of relief at the small feeling of comfort he received from the sensation of his shirt on his skin, despite the small holes that were beginning to accumulate everywhere from overuse. The shirt helped Eren’s mental space a little, and allowed him to calm himself until he could breathe more normally and the tears stopped flowing. As he sat there for longer, the trembling slowed down to a faint whisper, and the pain seemed to have reached a standstill at an aching level. Some part of Eren knew he shouldn’t put on his pants just yet- having run out of underwear long ago on the streets- lest he get blood on them, but he couldn’t think of any way to wash the blood (AndHIScomedontforgetEren)off of his body. And there was no way he was walking out of the alley without pants on. Probably get raped again. He threw the back of his hands at his face in despair at the thought, grounding them into his eyes as if it was making his thoughts disappear. No NO thiswasntrapeitWasntrape I let it happen. I LET it happen. Eren’s eyes spied his bloody trail on the ground. I let him do this to me. We traded. The pile of food was caught in the corner of his eye. I did what needed to be done. Oh. He was crying again.     Time passed. Eren had sat there for quite a while, and in the back of his mind, he knew he would be late getting back to Armin and Mikasa. He had eventually pulled on his pants, which had taken quite the effort, as a throbbing agony had ripped through the lower half of his body when stepping into the ragged trousers. He was pretty sure there was a growing dark spot on the backside now, but didn’t find it in himself to care just yet. He had wasted enough time crying, and needed to get the food back to his friends. He needed to come to terms with what had happened, build up his façade, and begin the walk home. Because, as Eren looked at the pile of food on the ground, he knew he had to get back to Armin and Mikasa. And in one piece, preferably. “So, I’ll trade another loaf of bread for ya, and three cans of beans. I’ll even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.” Eren grimaced as he heard the man’s voice in his head, as his glanced as the food in concern. In the sorry state he was in, he knew he couldn’t carry it all back by hiding it in his clothes. Plus, he’d probably get his blood on the food… No, he needed to find a box to carry it all in, despite the fear of others stealing it. If anyone on the streets saw him alone and with this much food, he’d be done for. His best bet was to be quiet and fast, sticking to the shadows as much as possible. “I’ll even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.” Eren shook his head as he heard the voice again. He spied the garbage bags he had rifled through earlier looking for food, and gently heaved himself up before limping toward them at a slow pace. He dropped down on his knees slowly, mindful of his wounds, and tore through the bags until he found a small wooden box he could use. Yes, that would definitely work. He pushed himself up again, groaning at the sharp pain, and limped his way back to the food. “…chunk of cheese, for good behavior.” Eren dropped down again at the food, hastily grabbing at the loaf of bread to throw in the box. “…chunk of cheese, for good behavior.” His shaking hands tossed in the cans of beans. “…for good behavior.” He snatched the cut of cheese into his hand, almost crushing it with his trembling grip, and threw it into the box. Out of sight, out of mind. He refused to think about it any longer. He had to get home. Well, really, he had to wash up first. So he needed to go to the river before meeting Mikasa and Armin, otherwise they would figure out what had happened. What had really happened? I don’t remember all of it. Well, Eren thought, maybe that was for the best. He really only remembered some vague flashes, which were traumatizing enough on their own. Either way, don’t think about it Eren. With the box in his hands, he set out of the alleyway limping, and tried his best to be as quiet as possible as he made his way through the sleeping town. As Eren shuffled on, he knew that he had to get a hold of his mental state before meeting his friends. They were evidently going to ask why his palms and knees were torn up, obvious through the holes in his pants.  But as he tried his best to reinforce his crystal walls over his mind, he knew there was no way that they could have fully protected him from what had happened in the alleyway. He had done his best to separate himself from the event, but his body had still been taken, and his mind had still been traumatized beyond belief. He could hear whispers of what the man had said to him in his ear, he could still feel large hands bruising his hips, he could still feel his lungs crying for air when his throat was blocked by something… something- Something that had torn him up and blindsided him with the most pain he had ever felt in his life. Something that had him bloodied and limping to wash away the evidence. Something that had ripped him apart, used him for pleasure, and deemed his body worthy of a loaf of bread, 3 cans of beans, and piece of cheese. Right. Because he had been good, apparently. “So fucking good, love your tight little body.” Eren shook his head again to get rid of the disturbing voice. Tears threatened his eyes once again, and his heart pounded in a fearful response of the slight memory. He felt his stomach grow nauseous at the thought, and did his best to hold down the bile that was clawing up his shredded throat. It felt like it was burning him from the inside out. Eren gulped the rising vomit back down, the sharp pain making him gasp. Tears specked the corner of his eyes, but he refused to begin crying again. He gritted his teeth and hastened his pace towards the river, still carrying the box of food in his arms. He refused to stop. If he stopped and thought about it more, he knew he wouldn’t get back up again. He could stay there and die, or he could get up and fight, but that’s it, there’s no turning back. He would do his best to fight. Fight for Mikasa, Fight for Armin. Fight for their survival. Because he didn’t care for himself. No. He would do anything for his friends. So he would let the man use him. Let the man use his body. Just let him save his friends. Let him save his family.     Finally. Eren saw the dark river that marked the edge of the city that he, Armin, and Mikasa resided in. He could hear the hidden water through the trees; it was so quiet out in the night that his uneven breathing had been the only sound he could listen to on the journey out of town. It had hurt, Gods, how it had hurt Eren, the painful walk that was accompanied with a noticeable limp and blood drops every few feet. He thought the injury had finally settled, but it seemed that walking had did him no favors down there, and he knew he really needed to wash himself and his pants. During the walk to the river, he had to feel the uncomfortable sensation of blood and semen sliding between his ass cheeks, and it only served as a nasty reminder of what he had recently went through. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking of why he was hurting so badly down there, and for the last half hour of walking, all he had been wishing for was to clean the dirt, the blood, him- from his body. He just felt so dirty. He felt disgusting. And although the water could physically wash off the filthy blood and semen, Eren doubted he would ever feel clean again. No. he had been used and torn and shredded from the inside out. But he figured he could survive like this; because only he would know about the true devastation of injuries that laid inside him. If the water did its job on the outside, and Eren could reinforce his crystal walls to protect Armin and Mikasa from the truth, then he could deal with himself internally later. Though he already knew that no matter how hungry he was, he wouldn’t be eating. There was no way he would eat until his ass could heal a little more. He wouldn’t survive an infection. No, he could pretend, but he would just have to hide the food until he thought his body could handle it. At least for another day. He just hoped his stomach would understand… hunger pains were horrible to have. Eren reached the bank of the small river, relieved to find no one near it. Really, with all the refugees around, nowadays many tried to camp out by the river for its various resources it could provide. Drinking water, baths, toilets- yes, the small river was quite valuable to everyone for one thing or another, despite its unsanitariness. But with that in mind, the Military Police liked to make sure that any refugee camping out near the water spent the next few days with some bruises and broken bones. Later on, they were lucky anyone on the river survived an encounter with the MP’s, because no one important enough seemed to care what they did to the refugees- they were taking up Wall Rose’s valuable resources, after all. Luckily, at this time at night, Eren couldn’t see anyone. The couple of MP’s that liked to sit by the river were most likely passed out from having fun at the bars in town, anyways. And no refugees were stupid enough to camp on the banks anymore. So Eren limped himself over to the edge of the water, dropping off the box of food in a patch of grass before taking off his shirt and pants. He was careful pulling off his clothing, but had to groan in pain when he felt a sharp sting race up his spine when he stepped out of his pants. He didn’t have to wash his shirt-luckily he had gotten no blood on it- but definitely need to wash his pants. They had a huge dark stain in the back, which was still slightly damp. Hopefully I can get this out. He grimaced to himself as he brushed his fingers over the damp fabric, trying not to think about why there was a blood spot on the back of his clothing. He let out a deep breath and jumbled up his pants in his hand, and stepped into the slow river until he was waist deep. He had only water to clean himself and his pants, and he knew- from his experience in the fall of Wall Maria- that blood would not come out with only that. His best bet was to scrub the pants as hard as he could without tearing a new hole in them, and then throwing some dirt on the whole area so it looked like a huge stain. Great. So really, he had to get his pants dirty as soon as they were clean. Eren focused on washing his pants first, unconsciously trying to put off washing himself. But eventually he could scrub no harder, and threw his wet pants on the bank where the food and his shirt sat. All that was left was washing himself. Right. His palms and knees had stung for a while when he had first stepped into the river, but as he spent more time in the water, the cuts had cleaned and he only had to rub out the dried blood. He quickly ran his hands over his legs and torso, trying not to get water on his upper half.  Mikasa and Armin would notice if he had fully bathed, as it had all been a while since they had visited the river. Their hair was dirty, and their skin had layers of grime settled on it, and a clean head of hair along with whitened skin would definitely cause some questions that morning. But Eren could eventually procrastinate no further, and forced himself to brush his fingers against his anus. His breathing staggered as he felt a small sting, but continued to push himself. He wouldn’t think about it. No, he couldn’t think about it. Just clean up already, Eren. His ragged breathing grew gradually louder, the sound echoing loudly in the silence of the night, and his body tensed as he forced his first finger to slowly penetrate himself. “Nngh…ow ow ow!” Oh it hurt. How it hurt. Just his finger, barely inside, and he already felt the beginnings of the  crippling sensation that had been his ultimate agony back in the alleyway. He could feel the man, he could feel him, inside… inside,hurting,oh gods did it hurt, it hurt so bad- please, please stop! Eren gasped in terror as the faint flashback tormented his mind, phantomlike sensations tingled over his body, his muscles tightening in response. His body tensed, and that only made the pain worse. He removed his fingertip as fast as he could without hurting himself more, and yanked his hand up out of the water. Without thinking, he quickly bit down on the meaty part of his hand, hard, despite the open cuts layered on the skin, and let out a screaming sob. His eyes clenched shut, and his bite became deeper, almost creating a bloody wound of its own. Thankfully, Eren had just enough sense left in him to keep himself from harming his body even further. But he needed this. He had to smother the scream somehow. Gods, his emotions were everywhere. He couldn’t keep it together. He felt as if his blood was boiling over, that his head was breaking open, that his heart would drum so hard that it would open up his chest cavity and everything- his secrets, his feelings, his past- would all come gushing out for everyone to see. For everyone to look at. “He did what?” “Yeah, he’s been selling himself.” “He’s disgusting.” “How much for a night?” “He’s a boy toy.” “A whore.” “Worth just a couple of canned goods!” He could hear them talk in his head. The people he passes by every day, their faces looking at him in disgust. Men peeking at him in the corner of their eyes, waving food at his face, asking for a trade. Quickly, his screaming turning into quiet sobbing, and his mouth let go of his hand, drool sliding over the indented skin until it was dropped into the water. He could practically see Mikasa’s and Armin’s faces, looking at him in horror and shame. Gods, they can never know. They will never know. Get ahold of yourself or they’ll find out! Eren took a shaky breath, his crying steadily slowing down to faint whimpers. He eventually brought up his hands to wipe at his eyes, getting rid of the last of his crying for the night. He couldn’t shed anymore tears; his face needed to calm down, or else everyone would know that he had been crying. He looked up into the dark sky, the moon shining behind a couple of clouds. He took another breath, deeper this time, and slowly nodded to himself. Do what needs to be done. Hide yourself, Eren. Eren began to shut himself down again, his crystal walls appearing, sturdy and strong in his mind. Their appearance seemed to come easier to Eren every time he thought of their protection and safety. And right now, he needed them to get him through the rest of the night. Hide his broken body. Hide his lies and tears. Hide his chaotic mind. Erect an Eren that came back from a long night of cleaning off the dirt and grime from the bar, who had gotten in another fight, and scraped up his hands and knees on the gravel with picking up trash. Hide his sore throat and limp by pretending he wasn’t in pain. He wasn’t in pain. He’s not in pain. Okay. Clean yourself up, Eren.     Eren practiced his walk the rest of the way home. It was hard not to limp, but after a while on the road, he got used to the painful sensation every time he took a step. It was also much more helpful not having blood and semen sliding around in his backside every step. As he had finished finally washing himself in the river, he had also built his crystal wall more firmly, wrapping it around himself like a blanket. It would be his façade, and he knew it had to be a good one. Mikasa and Armin were already suspicious about the whole job, and he knew that they would notice anything that was off when he came back. He focused his mind now to play an Eren who was tired from working, but happy to bring back so much food. An Eren who was glad to see his friends, and apologize for his behavior earlier, because he knew he had been a complete jerk to them. An Eren who would mention, oh by the way, I did get in a fight, that’s why I’m a little scratched up, fell into the mud you see, that why my pants are so dirty, but it’s okay Mikasa, I’m fine! This Eren needed to be unbreakable. He admits, the first time he came back, there were cracks. He let himself slip, let Mikasa and Armin worry about him. But this time, yes, this time- Eren wouldn’t give them anything to worry over. Eren would be his normal 11 year old self to his friends, and they would never notice anything different. Never. Eren finally reached his town, knowing he was much later than usual, and his arms were tired of carrying the box for so long. His pants were still drying, but the backside was dirty enough that he couldn’t pick out the bloodstain separately, so he figured that would be good enough. After getting out of the river, he had rolled himself in the dirt so that his wet pants could hide the stain. It was like he had never taken a quick bath, if you didn’t question why his pants were wet. He turned down the main road of the town, sticking to the sides of the buildings, as he could barely see because it was so dark. He tried his best to be quiet, for if any other stragglers saw him with a box, especially if they were other refugees, he could easily be robbed and killed. And if any MP’s saw him, they would automatically figure the food was stolen goods, most likely because the cans looked like they were from soldiers rations. At least that’s what Eren thought- he remembered Hannes eating from cans like them. Reaching the alleyway he and his friends called home, he turned inside and briskly walked further down, where he saw two huddled shadows in the end corner. “Armin, Mikasa!” The two figures jumped up. “Eren!” They ran and tried to hug him, but the box in his hands got in the way. “What’s in the box?” Armin asked, his hands coming up to open the top. “Food! Look at how much I got this time.” Erin grinned at them as he motioned for Armin to open the box. Their eyes widened as they peered inside, and Armin began slowly pulling the goods out of it. “three cans… bread… and- cheese?” Armin questioned. “Cheese? Really? Wow!” “He gave you all that, Eren? That’s- wait! What happened to your hands?” Mikasa’s eyes widened slightly, her eyes featured on Eren’s scrapped palms, barely noticeable from his hold on the box. “And, and you pants… Why are they all wet? What happened, did you get in another fight again?” Eren grinned at them sheepishly. “Ah- well, yeah, but I’m fine!” Eren took the box and propped on the side of the wall, and slowly sat down where the small next of blankets were. “And I fell into the mud, the guy pushed me into it, right before I was leaving. He was just mad I was a refugee, you know? I was actually lucky he didn’t take the food.” Keep calm, Eren, you’re fine, it doesn’t hurt I promise, forget it, focus Eren, focus on the story. “That’s really lucky, actually,” Armin stated, his eyes looking thoughtfully at Eren. “That was risky of you to walk back with that all in a box, instead of hiding it all in your clothes. You could’ve been hurt.” “I know, but I was exhausted from cleaning, and I didn’t want dirt to get on the food!” Stupid, stupid! Stupid excuse Eren, you didn’t think about that you didn’t think did you really Eren you didn’t want your BLOOD on the food hurry change the subject come on focus EREN He laughed quickly, looking away. “Look, its fine- really! I’m here. Anyways, um… look, I… I just wanted to say I’m sorry for earlier. You know- with what I said and everything.” He looked back at his friends, his green eyes pleading for forgiveness. “Oh Eren.” Mikasa looked back at him, sighed quietly, and sat down next to him on the ground, pulling at a thin blanket to cover them both. Armin followed suit, pausing just beforehand to put the food back in the box, hide it with the other few goods Mikasa had stolen earlier, and settled down on the other side of Eren. They had been waiting up all night for their friend to return home, and now that Eren was here, sleepiness came rushing in at full force. “Of course we forgive you. I just worry… you and Armin are all I have left.” Her eyes connected with Eren’s, before she laid her head on his shoulder. “I can’t lose you.” Eren’s body tensed at Mikasa’s touch, but slowly relaxed, his head falling on top of hers. “You won’t.” Armin’s hand sneaked into Eren’s, linking their palms together. He felt the scratches on his friend’s palm, and frowned. “We’re here for you, Eren. Don’t forget that. We’ll make it through this.” Armin tightened his blanket, cuddling up to his friend’s side, and yawned. Eren glanced at Armin, who head had knocked onto Eren’s shoulder in sleepiness. “I know we will.” Eren closed his eyes in exhaustion, and prayed that he would fall asleep without nightmares. Chapter End Notes WOW POOR EREN. Please let me know what you thought! i'm really excited for this chapters response. Love you all! Next time, We'll MOST LIKELY see Mikasa and Armin's thoughts on Eren, and Eren's establishment of a trading routine in the town. Will he have more offers? ***** You break me down, You build me up ***** Chapter Summary Eren tries to evade a problem without being caught. Mikasa is still in protection mode. Armin thinks ahead, and brings up a good question. Chapter Notes HEEEY guys! :D okay, REALLY FAST: -I was expecting to be way more ahead in this story in this chapter, but turns out i needed to add in some things, so this is really more of a filler :( and i hate fillers so i'm so sorry! -Def not my favorite chapter but it needed to be done. -Hope it's not too bad :( _Didn't reread it so i hope the flow isn't too choppy and hope it makes sense lol See the end of the chapter for more notes With the food that both Eren and Mikasa had gotten the night before, they knew that they would last for around week if they saved it well. Mikasa had ended up coming back with two potatoes, but Armin ran into some trouble with some over refugee scavengers that night and had to come back empty handed. Nevertheless, the food they now had was a small feast for the three orphans, and they made sure to keep a careful watch on their tiny territory in the alley, lest someone else came around to try and steal from them. When Armin had woken the morning after, Eren had already left for the day, which was odd in itself. Usually, two of them would go out in the mornings to look for some time of work, despite never finding any. They just blended in with the crowd, and were never picked over more capable adults. Generally, Armin stayed in their alley, protecting their food and home while Mikasa and Eren searched. They would have better luck being picked up than Armin, who looked more fragile and frail than his friends. No, Armin used his days primarily for finding shelter supplies. He was the best out of the three when trading items with refugees, such as with blankets or clothes. Mikasa frightened too many with her blank stare, and Eren didn’t have the patience. Really, Armin had the best social skills out of the three, and he did his best to be useful for Eren and Mikasa. For the past few weeks, he had actually been on an unsuccessful hunt for more blankets, because in a few months, the cold would be creeping in and they needed some type of warmth to survive. Winter on the streets would be a challenge for them, and with all the refugee shelters still filled, they needed to start preparing now if they wanted to survive. But that wouldn’t happen if Eren disappeared like this. It’s not like this was uncommon, Eren occasionally went off on his own- which drove Mikasa insane- but he usually never did in the early mornings. Instead, they typically used this time to plan out their day, such as who stays to guard their home and who goes out to look for work. Or what Armin can use to trade for clothes. On rare occasions, they would wake up when dawn had just arrived, and go take a quick bath in the river before any Military Police began patrolling. He figured he could trade the potatoes Mikasa stole for a couple of blankets if he got lucky. Or, He could trade the cans of beans. Once Eren got back and Mikasa woke up, they could discuss what they were willing to give up. Though he already knew there was no way they would trade the bread or cheese. The bread would last them the longest, and the cheese had nutrients that were valuable to their bodies. No, they would have to give up either the beans or potatoes. Armin felt Mikasa shift her head on his lap, where it had fallen when Eren had left. She slowly blinked her eyes open, squinting at the early morning light that fell into the darker alley. “Armin? Where’s Eren?” She asked, sitting herself up, wrapping herself tighter in her blanket. “He must have left already, he was gone when I woke up.” Mikasa frowned. “Why would he leave so early in the morning? He knows we need to plan out what to eat and save for the next couple of days…” Armin’s eyes glanced at the bottom of the wall that contained the hiding spot- a couple of loose bricks- that held their small pile of food. “I guess we can do it ourselves, Eren knows what we’d want to do when we woke up. He’ll probably be back soon.” “…if he’s not back after were done sorting I’m going to go look for him.” Armin sighed and nodded his head, not wanting to argue, and got up to go grab the food. He loosened the bricks on the bottom- Armin had created this storage spot when they found this area to live in- and pulled out the box of food. Sitting back down by Mikasa, they both began sorting the food into days, murmuring to each other about what would last for the three of them, and for how long. They didn’t need much food per day anymore, as their bodies were used to starving and could survive on just a little amount of food. The bread could last all of them three days, the cans a day each, and same with the potatoes. The cheese, they decided, was a rare gift, and would be eaten a little every day. This gave them about a week’s worth of food, considering they still needed to decide what to take out and trade for blankets. They also eventually decided- reluctantly on Mikasa’s part- that they could eat more per day depending on when Eren would go back to his ‘job’. Armin had just noticed something odd about the cans of beans in his hands when he saw Mikasa snap her head to look at the opening of the alley. “Eren!” Armin turned around, spotting Eren’s figure walking down the alleyway towards them. He was smiling, but looked tired- he had dark circles under his eyes. With his hands cradling something small near his stomach, Eren walked to their corner of their alley, and sat down next to Armin. “Morning! Uh- sorry about not being here,” He said sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders. “I thought I saw berries last night on the walk back, and decided to go check and see before anyone else found them!” Eren held out a fisted hands, unveiling it to show a small pile of colorful berries resting in his palms. His fingers were died pink and blue from their juices. “Here! These are yours, I already ate mine. Saves us more food, right?” He smiled at their astonished faces, and dumped the berries into their awaiting hands. “Wow! Eren- I can’t believe you found berries, that’s super lucky.” Armin said, already gobbling up his share of the fruit. Mikasa was savoring her pile, slowly chewing on one berry at a time. Eren smiled again, happy that he had found more food for his friends. In truth, he had been up for a while, had left the warm bodies of his friends before the sun came up. He had only slept for about an hour and a half and could not go back to sleep again. The dreams that had filled his mind in that short amount of time had not been pleasant, and he felt himself breaking while sitting in between Armin and Mikasa. Not wanting to sit there with his thoughts roaming, he instead focused his mind towards figuring out what to do about his non- eating situation. Eren couldn’t eat for the next few days if he didn’t want to chance an infection down there. He may faint from lack of food, but he’d rather experience that then the pain of shitting. His body was still so small, and he needed his ass to recover from the other night before anything traveled through his torn passage again. He knew that his friends would wonder why he wasn’t eating, because they were all experiencing hunger pains. So he had to go find food and say he ate it, and with evidence to show. At least for the first day. Mikasa would surely be suspicious otherwise; he knew they were already wary about his recent behavior. He needed to change that- he needed to stop their worries. He needed to make sure they believed that he was fine. Because he was fine. He was fine… He was fine. With a tentative plan set, Eren decided to leave their home while it was still dark, and go back to the river. Sometimes, if one was lucky, it was possible to find food out in the woods. Especially if the Military Police were guarding the river, there was bound to be at least a handful of nuts or berries nearby, as they were (most times) too stupid to know what was poisonous and what wasn’t. Luckily, Armin had taught Mikasa and Eren about the natural foods that could be eaten in the woods. Hopefully, the MP’s were still not awake yet, and he could look around unnoticed before daylight really hits. After gently prying himself away from the tentacle arms of Mikasa and Armin, Eren headed toward the river, where after two hours of searching, three times of giving up, and two near run-ins with some groggy MP’s, he had finally found a small patch of berries hidden deep in the woods behind the river. It really wasn’t much at all, only a handful could be taken- and they weren’t even in the best shape- but it would work, and Eren was overjoyed with his luck, despite feeling exhausted and his body hurting from the lingering pain that branched through his muscles. In spite of his shattered body, the walk to the woods and back had greatly helped Eren. It had allowed him to clear the building anxiety he had from coming back and sleeping in between Armin and Mikasa. It was difficult, going through what he had that night, then coming back into safe arms that knew nothing of the trauma he had just experienced. He had felt cheated, unwanted, and dirty, despite knowing it wasn’t their fault for being ignorant. He didn’t want them to know after all, and although he could create a brave face, he was an 11 year old boy at heart, who had just wanted understanding and comfort from people who loved him. But he would never get understanding. And comfort would never be known again. His friends’ touches had hurt, in a way that could only be described as shame. He was ashamed of what he had done, what he would do, and his mind felt that their loving touches only heightened that feeling. So sitting in the middle of them, falling asleep, had shame gripping his heart- humiliation boiling in his blood- with his own filth and disgrace. Sleep had hoped to be a sanctuary, but turned into a memory-filled nightmare instead. Flashes of what had happened, of his pride being tossed away and any self-love he had ever built inside himself, had crumbled into dust. He felt lucky he had gotten any sleep at all, honestly. But he didn’t look like it. Dark circles hung beneath his eyes, his skin was dry and dull, and the cuts on his palms and knees were red with irritation. His body still hurt- he couldn’t help but limp as soon as he was alone, and his throat felt raw. Hunger pains came, and he nearly ate some berries, but knew he would thank himself later. So when he finally made his way back to Mikasa and Armin, it was early in the morning still, and he had gone through two small panic attacks during the trip. But now, he fashioned his façade once again, the crystal walls holding back his hurt and shame, his flinching and limping, and he threw up a bright smile at his friend’s faces when they were eating the berries. Though really, he was smiling more because they thought he had already ate, and didn’t even seem suspicious. So far, so good. “Hey, Eren?” Eren looked to his left where Armin was sitting, but his blue eyes were focused on the food pile in front of the trio. Armin and Mikasa had both just finished eating their berries, and their hands and lips were dyed faintly with the color blue. “…Yeah?” His heart began to beat faster in response, a weird feeling spread through his body in anticipation of Armin’s question. Both he and Mikasa watched as Armin reached to pick up a can of beans, turning it around to present its front to his friends. “Aren’t these…rations from the Military police? Or the Garrison? I think they have the same rations actually… and I don’t know about the Scout Regiment, but I would think that they all receive the same rations…” Armin kept turning the can slowly, the marks on the metal glinting in the sunlight. “These are definitely bigger than the cans I had taken that one time, and I think the marks say… ‘rations…military police’? …I don’t know, I’m not familiar with a lot of these words.” He hummed to himself, and gave the can to Mikasa, who held her hand out for it. “If those cans come from actual rations, which I’m pretty sure they do, at least based on their size- how did the bar owner you go to get these?” Armin’s eyes turned to Eren’s, who had widened at the surprised news. “I…I dunno? I mean, I took what he gave me… how am I supposed to know where he got the food?” Mikasa frowned. “He shouldn’t be allowed to have these, it’s only for our military. That’s not good at all….” She snapped her thin eyes to Eren’s. “I don’t want you to go back there. If that guy you work for is handing these out to you, there’s no doubt he’s in something illegal. You’ll only get caught up in it.” “Wait-what? No!” “If the Military Police find out he has their rations who knows what could happen! He’ll probably blame it on you! And then what?” Mikasa shoved the can back at the ground in frustration. His heart pounded, rage bubbled in his mind. “Seriously, Mikasa? We’re practically starving on the streets, and you want to give up the food I’ve got for you because it’s illegal?” Eren’s eyes were slowly widening in disbelief at his sister’s comments. What was she thinking? How could she say that? He had gone through so much… so much! For this food. To bring back to them. To feed them and keep them alive. And okay, yeah, it was weird that the cans were most likely from military rations- he didn’t even want to begin thinking about what that could mean- but seriously? Fuck this. “If you haven’t noticed, we kinda don’t have another option for food. We see people dying everyday on the streets from starvation! Stealing is barely getting us anything- we’re lucky that I’ve found something that can get us this much food to eat! What’s wrong with you?” Eren let out a breath of disbelief, stood up with help from the wall, and looked down at Mikasa, whose eyes had widened at Eren’s anger. She hadn’t moved, and looked away from Eren’s eyes, knowing she was wrong this time. She didn’t think before she spoke, she only saw another way to get Eren from going back to that bar. Eren continued his small rampage, but tried to dial himself back when he noticed Mikasa had yielded, “Who cares if it’s illegal…. anything we do to survive is illegal right now. I just can’t get caught, and I won’t.” He huffed out a couple of breathes, before looking at Armin, who had stayed silent through their fight. “We can’t sell the beans out there, just in case people realize they’re for the military. So let’s take the potatoes- we can try and exchange them for blankets. …I’ll just go back earlier to try and see if I can get more food.” Eren bent down to grab the potatoes in his hands, and winced at the movement. He took a sharp inhale of breath when he stood back up, and began walking out of the alley, not looking back to see if Armin was following. “…Um, okay- Wait up, Eren!” Armin scrambled up, trying to shake off the small shock of the fight that had just occurred, and jogged after Eren. He quickly called to Mikasa over his shoulder, locking eyes with her, “We’ll be back, soon! I’ll calm him down.” He gave her a small smile and wave before catching up to Eren on the dirty street. Mikasa watched them leave the alleyway. She was just trying to protect Eren, but reluctantly understood that that was the wrong way to go about it. She just couldn’t help herself- she acted before thinking, and it just got her into another fight with her brother. She still didn’t like him going to that bar- especially now since he brought back rations. That was troubling in itself, but although she wouldn’t admit it, what Eren said was right. It was still food, and they needed it, no matter the danger of getting caught. But- she saw him flinch earlier… his palms and knees were badly scraped up, and he had left early in the morning. Something was off… but with him being so defensive, she didn’t know what else to do except wait, until there were more signs of trouble. So she sat in their makeshift home, deciding to spend her time trying to get rid of the trash that had blown in during the night, and thinking of how to apologize later on to Eren. She was tired of fighting with him.       Eren and Armin were walking the side streets of the city, where they were more accepted when seen. The roads were smaller, and filled with lower-end merchants who couldn’t compete with the other dealers on the main road of the city. Their feet brushed on the warm gravel, the small rocks not bothering their hardened feet. They turned down more side streets, walking deeper into the more seedy parts of the city, passing by scantly-clad women who were trying to invite them in- not caring that they were so young still. No- everyone in this area only wanted coin or food. Survival of the fittest. And this was where Armin could find someone willing to give up something they owned for sustenance. They had previously lived in this area when Armin’s grandpa left them. They had nowhere else to go, especially with the shelters remaining full, and this was where the remaining refugees were migrated to. It was a frightening time for them, as they were all on their own, and had no idea what to do. His grandpa had been their main food source, but when he had to leave, they were helpless to the deep pit of the city. They were tossed and dragged around for a while, living off of what they had left, until they had ventured out and found their little alleyway, anxious to get out of the seedier spots of the city, where starvation was creeping in like a virus. They were lucky, in a way, as the MP tried to hustle all the refugees into this area, as if to try and hide the extra amount of people in the city. As if to try and hide their backhanded murder of starving men, women, and children. Coming back to the dodgy area, they noticed that it had only gotten worse. Rumors had even spread that this part of the city was turning into the ‘Above Underground’, with its advancing fatalities and thieveries. There were less kids running around, less women holding their babies, less men trying to build small shacks in corners. It was obvious why. The people they passed by were skin and bones, frail and miserable. They could practically smell death in every corner, and were pretty sure there were some dead bodies tucked in the corner on the side of the tiny road, waiting to be picked up. But as they were walking through the streets again, they fit in as if they had never left. Eren and Armin were both noticeably undernourished, and their clothes were ragged and torn. Bare feet with dirty hair- yes- it was as though the small amount of food they had received had done nothing for their bodies. Armin and Eren had walked around for a while, Armin directing Eren to follow him. Armin knew what they were looking for: someone with a lot of blankets to spare. It would be a hard search, but he was confident someone was hoarding covers somewhere. So they continued to walk through the streets, and as Eren slowly calmed down from his earlier fight with Mikasa, Armin finally felt it safe enough to bring it back up. “Eren,” he began, with a cautious tone, “I know you’re angry, but Mikasa is only looking out for you… She wasn’t thinking about what she was really saying.” Eren knew this was coming, as the whole trip with Armin had been silent. Armin had been giving him time to cool off, which, he actually needed. His hands had been in fists for most of the walk, and his face had only now had dropped into a calmer expression. He just felt betrayed. Mikasa had no idea… no idea, of what he had went through to get that food. Hell, he was still feeling the repercussions, especially with moving around so much. Walking still hurt, his stomach was in pain from the lack of food, and his palms and knees were still sore. Anger just raged inside him, hurt at the thought that Mikasa wasn’t… thankful. Which sounded….terrible. Horrible. He knew that. He just couldn’t help but feel that way. And it made him even more frustrated. So he had to leave, and the search for blankets was a perfect excuse. Armin was quiet throughout the fight, so he knew he would be given some time to cool down. During the walk, his mind did its best to rationalize the situation, to keep himself from going ballistic, to keep himself from hitting the walls in frustration. With everything that Eren was already holding in, this was just another part of himself that needed to be tucked away. And Armin was there, so that was an even more incentive at reeling his emotions in. “…I know.” Short. Sweet. Keep it simple. He couldn’t show how much her words had hurt him, or else Armin would know something more was going on. “And she’s probably feeling sorry already. Please don’t be mad at her- You doing all the hard work… and Mikasa letting you go and walk into dangerous situations… It scares her. She just wants you safe.” Armin bit his lip softly, and led them down a narrow passage, where dirty clothes hung to block out sunlight. People were crouched near the walls, glancing at them to see who was walking in their territory. “She needs to get that I’m not her child. She needs to know that I can do this… I’m not weak. I can help us. I am helping us!” His frustration leaked through slightly, his voice raising. Armin threw up his hands in a gesture of peace. “I know that, and she’s…slowly realizing it. But you need to understand too, that you’re our friend. We will always worry about you, like you worry about us. You getting this…job, really- I think,” He paused at another turn in the passage way, where there was a darker tunnel that seemed empty of people. “…I think, that the food you get will save us through the rest of the year. Until we get into the Cadet Corps.” Armin turned to look at Eren, his blue eyes glowing in the soft light. “More people are dying on the streets here, the food shortage hasn’t gotten any better. Even with the Wall Maria reclamation operation, there are still way too many people inside Wall Rose.” He paused, and sighed. “They want us gone. So many refugees have taken to stealing, but it’s hard when there are so many of us, and people seem to now just…disappear.” He looked away, slowing their walk to a halt outside a thin opening of a dirty shack. “So please, Eren. Let it go- Mikasa means well, but… she’s just terrified that one day, you’ll disappear too.” Eren huffed out a breath and crossed his arms, leaning against the dirty wall with his back. “Okay. Just- keep her from doing anything stupid? Like trying to protect me. Don’t let her try and save me from something that’s not even a problem.” He looked at Armin again, and smiled at him. “And… thanks, Armin. For, um. All that.” He let out a small laugh, happy at the growing smile on his friend’s pale face. “I’ll always be here for you, Eren.”     Two hours later, Armin and Eren were walking back to their own alley, with two blankets each. It seemed that their potatoes ran higher than usual for trading, and they were happy to leave with four decent blankets. There had been a small fight between some women in the dark corridor, and they had actually been scared someone was going to kill them for the food, but it seemed everyone was just too weak and tired to truly fight. After Armin worked his social skills, they left with splitting the two potatoes between four women, who all had given them one blanket each. Though both Armin and Eren felt guilty, as it was clear they weren’t thinking of the upcoming weather, they still made the trades and rushed out of the refugee-made territory. The whole journey had exhausted Eren though, and with the never ending hunger pains, he was running on fumes. He had a massive headache that had only grown since morning, and his hands had begun to shake with the lack of nourishment in his body. He felt dizzy, and knew it was a good idea to try and sleep it off when they got back. That was, if he didn’t faint first. They dragged their exhausted bodies into the alley and up to Mikasa, who smiled warily at them both. “Hey, guys.” “Hey, Mikasa! Look what we got.” Armin threw his blankets on her, giggling at her confused face. “We traded for four blankets. If we keep this up, we’ll be okay for winter.” “That’s really good news. I’m glad we have enough food to exchange.” Her eyes glanced to Eren’s, searching for some type of forgiveness, hoping he had calmed down enough while away. Eren gave a small smile of surrender to Mikasa when their eyes connected, noticing how regretful she appeared, and slid in next to where she was sitting. He rested his head on her tense shoulder, which relaxed at his touch. She sighed softly in relief, and carefully reached underneath all the blankets to lock their hands together underneath the blanket. Cautious of his scraped palms, he squeezed her hand in forgiveness. Armin smiled at his two friends, glad they were alright with each other again, though he noticed how exhausted Eren had looked in that moment. His eyes were already closed, and his face relaxed. He sat down next to him, trapping Eren in the middle again. They all had a long night and early morning; a nap seemed like a good idea, so he shut his eyes to close out the sun. For the next couple of days, the three friends spent most of their time with each other, either doing small errands or looking to pick up any work offered in the area. Of course, they could find none, but they continued to try nonetheless. Eren continued to leave early in the mornings for berries or nuts he’d find, but would come back emptyhanded more often than not. Armin thought it seemed like Eren was trying to leave more food for him and Mikasa, but didn’t have any evidence to call him out on. He also noticed how Eren didn’t eat his meal of the day, claiming that the berries filled his stomach already. No matter what Armin or Mikasa said, he didn’t begin eating until around three days after he had come back with his food, and that was only because he had fainted on them, after acting like his head was in the clouds all day. But luckily, he had fainted just outside of their ally, so he and Mikasa just dragged his body to the blankets where he slept like the dead for the rest of the night. Mikasa was extremely concerned, and practically stuffed food down his throat when he had woken up. She then spent the next twenty minutes rampaging about his lack of self-care, and why wasn’t he eating for Gods sakes? But all they had received was a mumbled answer about not feeling like it, not feeling well, which was terrifying in itself. As they couldn’t afford to get sick- sick meant dying. So that brought on a whole other rage from Mikasa. But eventually, Armin had settled down the two, and things were alright again for a while. At least, for Mikasa and Armin. Eren, on the other hand, had struggled through the rest of the week. After fainting, Mikasa kept a closer eye on him, and he knew he was lucky she didn’t kick up more of a fuss after he muttered through a lousy explanation of why he wasn’t eating. He finally gave up though, after that. He began eating again, and after braving his way through a couple of Mother Nature’s calls, had deemed himself healed enough. He had also accepted that sleeping would be a passing memory, and dedicated most of his nights to working on his mental walls. With both Mikasa and Armin keeping a close eye on him, he needed to establish a winning performance that would put their minds at ease. He still trembled, but it was barely noticeable. He still flinched, but had been getting better at directing their focus in another direction. Their touch made him cry inside himself every time, but he still put on a fake smile. He wondered if they’ve noticed that he wasn’t so affectionate anymore. Yes, his crystal walls were getting stronger every day, but the Eren that was incased inside of them- the Eren that took in everything he couldn’t show- was breaking every second he wasn’t helped. He had thrown every scream, every agony, and every hurtful memory from that alley behind those walls. He thought he could hide there- he thought he was safe. But he realized he needed to separate himself. The broken Eren, and the Eren he built to lie. So he built. He kept building, kept reinforcing, until no one could get in or out of his walls. He focused on his fake Eren, an Eren who would be able to take anything, able togo through anything, and come out of it with a smile. Albeit, a fake smile. Meanwhile, he would make sure the painful memories, the terrible trade that were sure to come, the flashbacks and anxiety attacks- those would be pushed back, back behind the walls, where no one could find them. Where no one could find him. Which would break him even more, in the end. No true comfort, no understanding, no its going to be okay, Eren, I’ll protect you, I won’t let them hurt you again. Because he will be hurt, again. Again, and again, and again and again and again until he didn’t know up from down anymore. Until he was so broken, his walls would fall too, because there wasn’t anyone trying to keep them up anymore. But until then, he needed to get his family through this year. Then he could put all this rage, all this residual anger, towards the Titans. Become focused on killing the Titans. Because that was all that would work. Otherwise, Eren would break into pieces, and he wouldn’t let that happen until all the Titans were dead, and Armin and Mikasa could go explore and see the ocean. Until then, he would lie.   Chapter End Notes whew. glad this one was over. -Next chapter will be dark again! -But will also speed up their time on the streets. ALSO -if ANYONE can tell me what city/district the refugees were brought into after the fall of Maria, let me know! i hate using general terms like city and town everytime :( -I based their education at about a 1st grader? So that's why they couldn't really read the can. no time for school and such. THOUGHTS/Comments/Concerns i will take them all! Anything inspires me to write for you guys. Thank you for reading! Xx. ***** We All Fall Down Sometime ***** Chapter Summary Eren forces himself to go back once again to the alley. This time, he's looking to strike up a deal. He also receives some helpful advice. The year passes. Eren grows used to his new life, and Armin and Mikasa are none the wiser. Chapter Notes WOW this chapter is a rollercoaster. Okay, i admit, at first i hated it. Then i revised, revised, scrapped, revised. and WALLAH! i'm kinda satisfied. Not really. But hey, it's done. So, i hope you all enjoy, and i hope it isn't too choppy. *PLEASE READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING BECAUSE THE BAD STUFF IS ALL HERE* See the end of the chapter for more notes 5 days after his previous trip out for food, Eren was once again sitting in the alleyway of the tiny bar town, waiting for the man to show up. And although he had already gone through this before- he knew what was coming, what was expected of him- his body still thrummed in fear and anxiety. His body had long ago tensed its tiny muscles during the walk here, and he had shaken and stumbled around during his small trip. He had felt… disconnected, after lying once again to his friends after he said goodbye to them. The lying had become easier every time, true, but none the less, Eren still felt guilt claw its way up his spine and settle right next to his mind. Armin and Mikasa were still worried about his trips, he could tell, but he also knew that they were not going to comment anymore about it unless he screwed up again in front of them. They needed proof, but until Eren broke, they were never going to have it. He had made his walls strong enough to hold his pain and torment back, and he would make sure that they would never falter in front of his family again. He hoped that they would eventually just come to accept the fact that Eren was, at least in their ignorance, alright. That he wasn’t in any danger. That he really was just cleaning up a bar for food. That thought actually made Eren laugh a little to himself as he walked out of their familiar city, and forced himself forward to his new personal hell. The walk had slowly gotten harder and harder for Eren. As he got closer, his heart pounded harder, he felt more lightheaded, and his hands shook so hard that he had to ball them up into fists. It was just like last time- walking towards something that was intending to give pain was difficult and cruel on the mind. He didn’t think the walk would ever get easier, so Eren just tried his best to accept how his body was reacting, and continued to push himself to the alleyway. Now, finally sitting on the cold ground between tall building walls, he tried his best to calm himself. It didn’t help that his hands were clammy, his lip roughly bitten to the point he tasted blood, and he felt as though he couldn’t get enough air. He had decided then that the waiting was almost just as bad as the actual exchange that was about to take place. Call it what it is, Eren. No. You know what you are now. Stop. In the few days prior to coming back, Eren had spent a lot of his time figuring out how to best playEren- forming a perfect façade for his friends- and how to better prepare himself for the next time he met the man. There was no way he would go through that agony again, and had been panicking at the thought of voluntarily going back to that amount of pain. He was frazzled, snappy, and scared out of his mind for when he had to go back to the man. He was at the point where he was about to blow his cover in front of Armin and Mikasa, because he didn’t know what to do to make it easier on himself. There had to be some way, right? At least, Eren thought there had to be. He just didn’t understand why a person would put themselves through that much pain for such an… activity. He didn’t understand the point of sex if it hurt. Did it really hurt all the girls that much? And guys? He didn’t know, he didn’t think he wanted to know, but he knew he had to find out if there was a way to help him. And his best bet was going to the darker side of town, where whores were common enough to find. He had gotten lucky, yesterday, when running into a couple of male prostitutes in a shady corner deep in the refugee parts. After thinking he was a new customer, which made Eren blush to his forehead, Eren stammered out a quick response that made them willing to talk to him. And after one embarrassing conversation with the two of them in the seedy part of town, he had found out several tips that could help him survive his trades with the man. No matter how embarrassing it had been, at the end of the day, he was glad he had made himself ask them questions, even though he had been worried that someone he knew was going to recognize him. But to his knowledge, no one he knew was around the darker parts of town. The prostitutes had not been much older than Eren himself, maybe 14 and 17, and they had loads to share. His blushing face had quickly faded into a sickening white as they freely told him a few tricks that would save his body from hurting more during and after. They hadn’t looked at him with pity, which was something that Eren had been afraid of, but with a sad understanding in their eyes. He didn’t delve into why he was asking them about their work, and they didn’t ask him why either. But after he had walked away with advice that could help him with his situation, he couldn’t help but be relieved that he had swallowed the little pride he had left to go and ask the boys his questions. Especially now, when he was about to enact another trade again. So when he had finally reached the dark and empty alley, with the sky already dark and the moon covered by clouds, he stood there for a couple of minutes, gulping down his rising nausea, and tried not to dig his fingernails into his palms. He remembered what the prostitutes had told him to do beforehand. He knew he should listen and prepare himself. But his body was reluctant, his mind was reluctant, and it was difficult to even contemplate preparing himself down there in the same place where he had been previously forced open by another. And preparing himself for the same man, no less. It was difficult to wrap his brain around it- that it was voluntary, now. That it had been voluntary, before. But it hadn’t felt like it. But then again, would it even feel any different, being…raped? Didn’t that happen the first time? How could anything be worse then that… And he had even agreed to it beforehand… No. Stop. Stop it Eren. There’s no time for this. He was so confused about it all. It just made his head spin worse, and made his heart ache it a weird way that had Eren wondering if something was medically wrong with it. So he shook off the internal debate, focused on emptying his mind of what he was about to do, and jerkily grabbed his raggedy pants with shaking hands and pulled them down. He immediately stuck his two right fingers inside his mouth, tasting his own sweaty dirty skin, and then reached back to slowly put them in his ass to stretch himself out. It had stung, it wasn’t pleasant, but he had felt himself slowly loosening up, which was what the prostitutes had said would happen. He didn’t do it for very long, only enough to what he felt would work, because it had slightly reminded him too much of what had happened down there already, and what was about to happen to him again in a few hours. He already felt naked, already felt violated, even if it was only himself this time, and he hated the feeling. The feeling of being vulnerable. The feeling of being nothing but a toy to use and throw away. But that’s what I am, really. I’d be his toy, if he would still give me food for Mikasa and Armin. I’d do anything. That’s right. He’d do anything. He hastily pulled his pants back up and scrambled into the dark corner of the alley, and spent the next few minutes trying to forget what he had just done to himself. He had curled up his knees and wrapped his arms around them, laying his head on top. He also focused on deepening his breathing, and tried to concentrate on preparing himself for the upcoming encounter. What had the male boys told him again? If you clench your ass, it’ll make them come faster. If they’re fucking your throat, hum. It’ll get them to come fast too. Hands and knees will hurt the least. Prep before-hand every time. …You do know what prepping is, don’t you? If you can, use your hand first for as long as possible. Focus on making them come. It’ll end quicker. Their advice continuously swirled around in Eren’s mind, only raising his anxiety higher, and making his body tremble in dread. He was scared. Maybe knowing what was to come was worse than not knowing at all. He couldn’t tell. He didn’t know if he was more terrified this time, or the last. He just knew that sitting there, and not being able to do anything but wait, was a mental torture all on its own. And so, he continued to sit there. …Shit. Was the man even going to show up? This was the problem previously, wasn’t it? No… He would show. He had to show. For some weird reason, Eren felt that he would be there, even though they never decided on a set schedule… Eren was so out of it last time, he barely remembered the man leaving him on the ground. He couldn’t do that now. He couldn’t barricade himself in his mind. He would have to participate. He would have to make sure the man would continue to come back and trade with him. He would have to talk to him. And to do that, he needed to stay in reality, no matter how bad it got. Mikasa and Armin were relying on him. It should be easier than last time, right? He was more prepared. Both mentally and physically. He could do this. He had to do this. Do what needs to be done, Eren. Mikasa and Armin’s survival depends on this man, depends on his performance, depends on how much he’s willing to give up. And he’s willing to give up everything.     The man had shown up. His body seemed to take up the entire opening of the alleyway.  He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe. Come on Eren! Concentrate. You have to make sure he comes back. You have to make sure he’ll keep feeding you. Do it before he gets too close!  TALK Eren! I cant I cant Icant IcantIcant Oh GodsIcantpleaseimscared The man was getting closer. The smirk was getting bigger. Did he say something? A chuckle. White teeth. He’s not ready for this. Air. He needs air. Why can’t he move? Why won’t his mouth open? …what was he trying to do again? GETAHOLDOFYOURSELFEREN FOCUS. …focusonwhathesrightinfrontofme The man towered above Eren. His head was settled up so high compared to him, and Eren was so small. So fragile. Easily breakable. Easily maneuvered and thrown and tossed around.   The man was huge. Did he get bigger? He was so big… …Like a titan. And. And... Monstrous. Petrifying. Terrifying. … He’s… Like a titan. A titan. You’veseentitansbeforeyoucandothisnow! That’s… that’s right. Focus Eren. Bring your mind back. You prepared for this. You prepared for this! His mind began working again. The man was standing a few feet in front of him, with a stupid grin on his face. His arms were crossed. He seemed better dressed today, his white shirt and brown pants had looked freshly washed, and his brown boots were shined. Breathe, Eren. Now ask him. His throat opened. Chilling air went into his lungs, and he drew a shaky breathe. “Um, ccan- can we- um. L-like…this. But Mm-more?” Eren stuttered his question out, breaking his short eye contact with the man, and looked down at his dirty feet. It didn’t come out right. But at least he remembered what he had to ask him, after his mind turned on again. He wanted to ask about the amount of food per trade, and how many days per week they could meet. To get some sort of schedule going, for food security. To know how many times he had to go through this to get enough food. But his mind had shattered as the mere sight of the man, despite his mental preparations. Despite how much he thought he’d be okay. At least he had gotten his voice working. He sputtered out all that he was able to, but really, he was just trying to keep his mind from breaking again. He had to stay focused, no matter how terrified he was. “So, you wanna make this an everyday thing? ‘Cuz I can’t do that. I have stuff to do, ya know. I’m actually a pretty important person.” The man laughed, but Eren gave no visual response. Instead, his mind tried it’s best to analyze what was just said, and how he needed to respond. It was extremely challenging, given how the man stared at Eren like he was dinner. But after a few awkward seconds, he got his voice to work again.    “No, uh- no. It um… depends on how much food you give me.” The man sucked in his cheeks, and slowly nodded to himself, looking Eren up and down. Eren felt his dark eyes on his body, and he shivered. He felt naked, although his clothes were still on. “Ha. Yeah? You starvin’ runt? You must be. You look like you’re skin and bones!” “…I have f-friends.” He whispered out. He didn’t want to, didn’t want the man to know anything about Armin and Mikasa, but he was grasping at straws. He had to see if he could get more food out of this. “Ah. So you’re the big, bad provider, huh? Doin’ the dirty work?” The man laughed, his voice low. “Me too kid, me too. Here’s the deal, I only got so much food for myself. But I got a proposition for ya.” The man grinned at Eren again, and slowly circled Eren, sauntering behind him, and deliberately pressed his front to Eren’s back. Eren tensed, his body frozen when he felt the man behind him. His mind stopped- only focused on the solid contact on his back. His breathing grew shaky as he felt rough hands leisurely slide down his shoulders, his arms, his hips, then finally wrapping tight around his belly. Eren gasped at the feeling, trying to suck in oxygen, but it only made it worse as his stomach expanded further into the man’s massive hands. He felt pressure- the man was pressing him closer to himself, and Eren could instantly feel something solid and large pressing into his lower back. Oh God Oh god oh godohgodohgod NopleasenotyetNOTYET Eren was afraid to close his eyes- he kept staring at the chipped brick stone wall instead. His bright green eyes filled with salty tears and his breathing turning into short bursts, trying in vain to suck in air. He couldn’t concentrate. He couldn’t breathe. What was happening again? What were they talking about? What did he need to do? Didn’t he need to do something? Focus Eren! Easier said than done. “…What?” He breathed the word out- his voice had deserted him, drowned out by the waves of helplessness and paralyzing fear. He felt the man’s throaty chuckle against his ear. His body trembled in the man’s grasp, his chin quivering as he felt his hands slide under his thin shirt, and began fondling his trembling tummy. “I said, I know a few of my buddies that would strike up a deal with ya too. They’d love your sweet little ass. We all have a…special type, ya see. And you’re just perfect for it.” He let out a loud groan as he slid his hands up Eren’s body, pressing down hard with his thumb on a nipple. Eren gasped at the action, his fingernails digging themselves into his scabbed palms. “I know they’d be willing to come meet ya on nights I can’t. Besides. I’m movin’ up in the ranks soon. I’ll be needed elsewhere.” No, nonono. M-more? More men to… to- Oh Gods. He- could barely even take this- How would he- How could he- But the- the man said… Leaving? Noheneededhisfood Does he? ForMikasaandArmin Thick, unrelenting tears slid down his face and splashed on the grainy ground. Oh gods Okay okayokayokay He. He… He had to. He had to say yes. …How could he say yes? He choked on a sob that welled up in his throat. His lips quivered, his breathing erratic, his body shaking like a leaf. The man was holding most of his weight now. Do what needs to be done, Eren. He croaked out his answer. “…O-okay.” “Ah. Lovely. I’ll tell my boys tomorrow. Let’s say… you can meet someone every other day? Would that be enough for ya?” The man slid his hands back down Eren’s body, and loosened his pants to fall to the ground. He then suddenly reached and threw off Eren’s shirt, yanking at his shoulders. Eren cried out softly at the action, more surprised than because of the slight pain. He was then shoved around, now facing the man naked and shivering, and looked up to see the stupid grin on his face once again. Gods, he felt so small. …He was small. And weak. Looking up to the monster- the huge face that now was a recurring image in his nightmares- made him feel so helpless. His arms were huge- the muscles bulky- and his body size was ridiculously overbearing, especially to a small child. He towered over Eren’s currently small frame, and as his arms once again wrapped around Eren’s body, pulling him to his own, rubbing his erection into Eren’s concave stomach, Eren felt as though he was being enclosed by solid iron bars of a tiny jail cell. There was no way out. He had trapped himself. He signed over his body to men, to do as they pleased. He had said yes. Yes to other men. Who were going to… Who were going to fuck him. Fuck him. And do god knows what else. And they would pay in food. So Eren could get food. Food for Armin and Mikasa. He had made his decision. And now he had to pay for it. He gave a barely noticeable nod, as his forehead was pressed into the man’s muscular chest. It was more of a surrender to his new life. A new horrifying life made in the dark alley of a bar town. “Great. We’ll all have a great time.” His rough hands slid up Eren’s naked back, taking their time, and softly settled into his hair. One gentle swipe. Two more careful caresses. Eren felt shivers run up his spine. Yank. “Ah!” He gasped as his hair was suddenly pulled, forcing him to look up at the man’s darkening face, the twisted smile gleaming from the moon’s light. “For now though… it’s my turn.”     If they’re fucking your throat, hum. He was still desperate for air -still being choked until he was lightheaded- but he tried. Anything to get him off faster. To get oxygen in his lungs again. He thinks it helped, eventually. At least he could breathe once more. But he lost his air again when another part of him was suddenly filled. Clench your ass when he’s inside you. But it also made Eren feel him more. It was also more painful than doing nothing. But the thrusting was more desperate. It forced out fat tears from Eren’s closed eyes. Deep, rough groans were heard faster. The man’s voice was loud in his ear, saying things Eren mostly couldn’t understand in his state. But he did make out a couple of words. He was about to be sick. Hands and knees will hurt the least. True, but he also felt like a used toy. Like nothing. And the man liked to shove him down, to where he was pinned in the dirt. He didn’t think he could control this piece of advice very well. Especially when he was too busy trying not to pass out. The pounding suddenly got rougher. Groans were deeper. Hands pressed him further into the dirt. He’d have bruises on his back tomorrow. But as a thick white substance was released into his ass, Eren couldn’t help but be slightly relieved at the uncomfortable feeling. At least there wouldn’t be blood coming out this time too.     Eren gently shuffled his naked body to the closest side wall of the alley, and tucked himself as best he could into a little ball. His ass still stung, it was still hurting down there, but nowhere near as much as the first time. No, his first time was horrific. Traumatic. He was irrevocably changed after being taken for the first time. But as disturbing as that knowledge was, it didmake him more prepared for further…meetings. Which was why he was currently not as petrified, not as comatose, not as shattered, afterwards. Which was why he was able to crawl away from the man after he pulled himself out of Eren’s tiny body, and curl himself up tight to feel some sort of comfort. Liar. Nothing has changed. Those feelings are still there. They’re burning you up inside. That’s right. He was still shattered. Still scared. Still frozen from the knowledge of what he had just done. He was just more used to feeling that way, now. He was becoming used to the sensation of dread, of anxiety, of fear coursing through his veins, bubbling his blood until he felt that he would burst. He was now just learning how to live, how to survive, with these emotions swirling around his mind and body. It wasn’t getting easier. He was just getting used to it. But for now though, exhaustion was the primary feeling that surfaced his thoughts and body. His walls now held these new memories. His body was tired from being pummeled into the ground.  He wanted to sleep. To leave reality for a few moments. But Eren knew he still needed to be aware, be conscious, until the man left. He had to force himself to learn how to deal with the horrors he was putting himself through. He would have to learn a lot of things this year, in order to survive this type of trade. He had already learned some valuable tips that had drastically lessened his physical pain. Such as making sure to prep himself before being taken in the alley. He’d have to go thank the prostitutes he talked to some time. “You’re food’s there,” the man pointed at some cans sitting closer to the opening of the alley, humming to himself in a satisfied way. He was buttoning his pants, and shuffled them around for a comfier fit. “I’ll be seeing ya in a few days yeah? Maybe introduce ya to my friends. We’ll all get along real good.” Another smirk lined his face as he stared down at naked boy who had immediately scurried away from him. “You an’ your refugee buddies will be feasting good too, if it all works out. Oh, and maybe I’ll actually bring that meat I promised next time, yeah?” He let out a throaty laugh, and sank his mouth back into a scheming grin. Gods, was Eren sick of his smiles. They made him feel like throwing up. But he just nodded slightly, too mentally exhausted to talk. He just wanted him gone, so he could finally breakdown in peace and then pull his mind back together. Luckily, the man just gave a sarcastic wave, and turned to walk away. Eren watched his back as he was leaving, but out of the corner of his eye, glanced at the type of food left for him. Wait. “Wai-” His voice cracked from the recent abuse to his throat, and quickly tried again after clearing it. “W-wait!” The man turned, surprise echoing on his face. “What’s up runt? Ya want more or somthin’?” The man assumed, looking down at Eren’s naked and bruised state. “Nn-no. Um. The c-cans. They’re…rations. Military rations?” He could barely get his sentences out; it seemed his throat decided to call it quits and his voice was close to following once more. His words came out scratchy and stammered, he didn’t seem to be able to form complete sentences. But he saw the can of beans. He remembered Armin’s questions. And he knew he needed to find out. Why? He needed to know who was capable of doing this to him. Were they from the Garrison? Or the Military Police? Or… even worse. He didn’t know what he would do if they were from the Survey Corps. What if they were from the Survey Corps? What if they were the ones he had once looked up to as they rode off behind the walls? He couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t believe that this man was a part of something he had always dreamed to be in. No, this man would never belong to the Survey Corps, people who believed in freedom and humanity’s right to go beyond the caged walls. Not when he was Eren’s new personal wall of imprisonment. Rationally, Eren had thought he was most likely a bad businessman who had some type of agreement with the food handlers, or whoever was in charge of the rations. But whatever the man told him, Eren already had decided he’d weave this story to Mikasa and Armin if it was brought up again. He decided on this several days ago, on one of the many sleepless nights he had in their own alley. “Well no fuck. How’d ya think I’m getting ya it?” his face took on an expression that told Eren he thought he was no more than a stupid child. The man scoffed, and crossed his arms, but suddenly his face morphed into a look that appeared to be realization. “Oh. Right, I’m in my civilian clothes here. Ha. No wonder.” “I’m in the MP. Don’t go spreading that shit around though, ya hear, runt boy?” He cast his eyes onto Eren’s, suddenly giving him a deadly glare, his body tensing in a dominant position. “I’m nice enough to get you food, but that can change real quick if you fuck this little thing we have here up.” He kept glaring at Eren, who jerkily nodded his head, his eyes wide open in alarm. “Good. Oh, since we’re getting’ all buddy-buddy here,” The man suddenly pulled up a grin again, the anger in his eyes vanishing and his body relaxing, “The name’s Todd. Remember that, cuz when I show you off to my friends next time… I want you screamin’ it.” The man, or Todd, as he had just donned himself, suddenly strode over to Eren, and leaned down to grab his swollen face in his hand. He pressed his thumbs into his cheeks, smashing them again his small teeth, making Eren cry out in pain before grabbing the man’s wrist in a useless attempt of getting him to let go. Todd brought his face up to his, close enough that they were almost touching noses. Eren’s eyes teared up at the action, terrified at the sudden way he was forced to look into his gleaming dark eyes. He was too close. Way too close. He couldn’t breathe again. He wasn’t prepared for this so soon, he didn’t expect this, he thought it was done, he shouldn’t have called him back it wasn’t worth it itwasn’tworthit. He needed airwheredidtheairgo “Say my name.” Eren struggled to get anything out, his face mushed in the man’s giant hand. It came out as a garbled, “…Tt-todd.” He hummed in sickening delight, whispering, “Good. Remember, two days. I’ll make sure my buddies are fair to ya, bringing ya food an’ all. We’re MP’s, so you can trust us.” The man gave a quick chuckle, his breath puffing out on Eren’s face. He gave a quick grin to Eren, smirking at his panicked expression, and dropped him back on the ground. He watched as Eren gasped for breath, who had fallen face first into the dirty earth. Eren pushed his hands into the gravel, hard enough to where it hurt, in order to focus on the new pain instead of his aching cheeks. His breathing was erratic, and he tried to gulp oxygen down as much as he could when he heard, “I’ll see ya soon, runt.” He looked up to see the man’s back; Todd was sauntering out of the alley. And this time, there was no way in hell Eren would call him back. Eren took in a couple more gulps of air, trying to get his breathing under control, as the alley was finally empty again. His tears continued to hit the ground. He could barely hear laughter from the streets; it want that late out yet. Drunks were most likely still at the bars, with no knowledge of what had just taken place between two buildings of their town. In that small, dingy alleyway. In Eren’s new workplace. Eren curled his naked body in a small ball once again, uncaring that he was making himself more dirty, and cried.     His life went on after that. No matter how much he tried to slow down the days he spent with Armin and Mikasa. And so, slowly, painstakingly, Eren gradually learned how to adjust to his second life. A dark, hidden, secret life that was based off of lies and deceit. Based off of sexual positions, pleasure, and lust. Based off of manipulative skills, quick thinking, and a frozen heart. His new life was that of a child prostitute, paid for in food, and held secret from his truest friends. He protected himself with impenetrable, solid crystal walls that held his broken mind together. He protected himself by throwing away his own wants, his own wishes, his own dreams. He didn’t need those to be broken by his customers too. So he did it himself. Weeks went on, months passed, and Eren learned how to survive his new title. Runt, he was called, by the numerous men that visited him in that alley. Because he was so small- a pitiful refugee- and fragile. Not worth knowing, only for fucking. And sometimes, they even came in groups. Eren hated when they came in groups. Sometimes, his body was used so badly that he didn’t make it back to Armin and Mikasa. Those nights, he had fainted in that damned alley, his body too broken and hurt to move. He had considered himself extremely lucky the first time it had happened- despite waking up bruised and bloody- that Mikasa and Armin hadn’t come looking for him. Thankfully, that was because he had thought ahead- he had become smart, oh yes- and told them that he may have days where he’d have to stay all night, per the ‘bar owner’s’ request, and to not worry, as he’d be back in the morning. He told them that the day before his first time meeting four smirking men in the alley way. His first time meeting a group of men from the military police. Apparently, it was a taboo subject that some men in the military liked fucking little boys, but not taboo enough that they were ever stopped.   Because word got around that Eren was apparently, one of the best, and in time, even some men from the Garrison had trickled in on his nights working the alley. All in all, he had roughly twenty some men fucking him every week. Eventually, they didn’t even care to change out of their uniforms, either. He learned their names. Names forever branded in his mind. Luke. Sanson. Ray. Nile. Warren. Todd. The list went on. Some men showed once, some sporadic, but most were regular customers. Most liked coming back for more, using Eren’s body for their own pleasure, finding enjoyment in making him scream, cry, in making him choke for air. They found enjoyment in taking turns fucking him until he passed out. They liked it when they could control him, and they really enjoyed themselves when Eren begged. And Eren was not above begging. Eren wasn’t above anything. Not anymore. No, Eren did whatever they wanted, most of the time. He rarely put up a fight. And of course, they took advantage of that. His body was shredded, torn, abused…but Eren took it all. He took all of their derogatory remarks, took all of their slaps, took all of their dicks in his mouth and ass over and over. Why? Because they always gave him food. They always gave him food. Every one of them. It was like the food was their way of atonement, of saying, look, we’re actually helping the poor boy, we’re not all that bad, we’re doinggoodhere. Whatever it was, Eren was just glad he had a solid income of food to give to Armin and Mikasa. And as the weeks had passed, and Eren brought more food in, to the point where they were having three small meals a day, a lot had changed. Eren had perfected his façade. Armin and Mikasa didn’t think anything was wrong. Eren smiled when he should, laughed when he should, talked when he should. He cuddled with them during the cold nights. He ate his portion of food when they had lunch. He even played games with his friends when they were bored. But he could never stop his nightmares. He took to having regular sleeping problems, but Armin and Mikasa believed they were about Titans. He also began to hate the sight of food, and the reminder it carried. He hated being touched, especially by people he didn’t know. He snapped sometimes, the hate, the anger, boiling in his blood, making his vision go red, at the injustice of it all. He blamed that on his hatred for Titans. But really, it was hatred for himself. Although, he knew it was all worth it, the pain, the hurt, the exhaustion, the trauma, to see Armin and Mikasa eating every day, without being scared for their survival. To see them growing, and smiling, and living. They were all growing, now. But unbeknownst to Armin and Mikasa, they were also all growing apart. But it was still worth it. No matter what, it would always be worth it. It had to be worth it.   Chapter End Notes Wow. So, YAY THE TERRIBLE YEAR HAS FINALLY PASSED and poor Eren is so broken. FYI YES i made those names up, except Nile. :( BUT next chapter will have more of what went on during the year, and Eren, Mikasa, and Armin will finally join the Training Corps! and if all goes right, we'll meet Captain Levi! Hopefully. ANYWAYS Thank you so much for reading. Comments and Kudos really get me to write, and i love the feedback! Please tell me what you all thought! <3 Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!