Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/2098839.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_Fandom
  Relationship:
      Snape/Lupin, Hermione/Draco, Remus_Lupin/Severus_Snape, Hermione_Granger/
      Draco_Malfoy
  Character:
      Snape, Lupin, Hermione, Draco
  Series:
      Part 1 of Secrets_and_Lies
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-08-07 Chapters: 16/16 Words: 113498
****** Secrets and Lies ******
by littlewonder
Summary
     Severus Snape is not proud of it, but in his school days, he had a
     fling with Remus Lupin. Now Lupin has returned to Hogwarts, and to
     make matters worse, Lupin still wants him. But Hermione Granger and
     Draco Malfoy both involved, and soon everyone is fighting for each
     other.
     [Explicit rating is solely the last bonus chapter]
Notes
     I started this story ages ago, and I had it in incomplete form each
     at live journal and hpff.net for a while, but it wasn't really
     working out for me. So I came here.
***** Memories and New Beginnings *****
Chapter Summary
     Lupin just wants Snape. And Hermione's not quite caught on yet...
Lupin had come straight to his office after the Start of Term Feast. He wanted
to set up his classroom and his office for tomorrow. It was late, and he was
tired, but he was determined to do it. He must've been moving things around for
five minutes before he noticed Professor Snape was there.
Snape was glaring at him that unrelenting way that he'd always remembered,
usually reserved for him and his friends back in their school days. The same
look he had seen before he had learned another side of the man and had seen a
new look in his eyes, a look that was more private than all the others, a look
just for him...
But those days were long gone, and that same contemptuous look had long since
returned. Those eyes were looking right into him, and Lupin was sure he knew
what Snape was thinking behind them. Snape was clearly furious that he was
back, and after all that happened between them, he couldn't blame him. Lupin
still had to convince himself that it wasn't his fault, but he knew he wasn't a
great liar.
"Lupin," Snape said, drawling out the name, his voice dripping in hatred. "Back
at Hogwarts again, I see, to befoul the hallways with your presence?"
"Severus," said Lupin. "Surely you're not starting this again?"
"Did you really expect me to spare you, after all that's happened? Don't make
the mistake of thinking that I'll just sit back and be okay with this."
"Why are you here, Severus? I would've thought the first thing you'd want to do
is avoid me."
For a moment Snape just glared. Then he said, "I’m not a coward. I'm not the
man you are, Lupin. Do you want to know why I have argued tirelessly against
your employment here?"
Lupin decided to humour him. "Why, Severus?"
"Because Sirius Black has escaped and I alone know your real relationship with
that man. I know you'd let him into the castle at your first opportunity."
"You didn't --?"
"Yes," replied Snape. "I did tell. But only to Dumbledore."
"But I would never do that, Severus. Put a whole school in danger? Surely you
think higher of me than that?"
"Obviously not," snarled Snape. He knew that would kill Lupin, but Snape
figured he deserved no less, with the things he'd done before. "After you were
going to kill me, why should I think any less of you?"
"Severus, you've got it all wrong --"
"Save it," said Snape fiercely.
"Severus, I wasn't part of that prank! How many times do I have to say it? It
was just Sirius --"
"Passing the blame again," said Snape. "I don't care how much you say you've
changed, Lupin. It doesn't change my mind over who you are, nor the fact that I
finally woke up to that."
Lupin was about to protest. "Don't you dare," began Snape, "try to deny it,
Lupin. It's too late to change my mind."
"Severus --" Snape silenced him with a glare. Then silence sat between them for
a few moments, each of them staring at the other. Lupin didn't know what the
point of this was, but found himself unable to look away. And he didn't really
want to.
But when neither of them said anything, he remembered himself and continued.
"Severus, I never knew anything! Before you condemn me, just listen! I never
wanted to kill you! But Sirius...he always hated you. I'd never have guessed
he'd do something like that. But I guess I was wrong."
"Oh, don't play the sympathetic role! You're not fooling anyone!" Snape cried.
"Severus," began Lupin, unsure of himself. "I’m not. I’m telling the truth."
"What makes you think you can change my mind now?"
Lupin just looked helplessly at Snape. But he quickly composed himself and
said, "You were the one who came to me, Severus. I’m not trying to fool you,
I’m just responding to you."
Snape glared at him for a moment, then said, "You think you’re clever, do you,
Lupin? Don't pretend you know what I want, because I assure you, you don't."
scolded Snape.
"Is that so?" asked Lupin critically.
"Yes," said Snape. "And don't look at me like that! I only brought up Black
because he's escaped from Azkaban and you could easily let him in the castle! I
am not going to go running back into your arms. So you can just drop it right
now."
"I never said you would."
"Don't -- try to contradict me, Lupin!" Snape demanded as he grabbed Lupin's
shirt. "And don't be so cocky! You're just like the rest of your friends!
You're no different!"
"Oh, and I suppose you're better than that, then?" said Lupin, leaning back
awkwardly but still mischieviously provoking him, determined to stand up for
himself. Snape twisted his shirt tighter between his fingers and glared harder
into Lupin.
"Let go, Severus," said Lupin awkwardly after a few moments. Snape looked down
at his hand, still twisting the fabric. "What's the matter? Afraid it'll
wrinkle?"
"Let go," Lupin repeated.
"And if I don't?"
Lupin said nothing. And they just stood together there, silent. As Snape began
to bore of the charade he started to notice how close together they'd suddenly
gotten -- Snape, in his attempt to threaten him, had pulled Lupin right into
him.
He let go. Lupin was regretful; he too had just then noticed how close they'd
been.
"I have better things to do than to stand here and chat in your...new office,"
he spoke the last two words bitterly, as if they were like soap in his mouth,
clearly hating both Lupin himself, and being cheated out of Defense Against the
Dark Arts job once again. It was, though, was a lie; he hadn’t anything better
to do, he just wanted to make his escape.
And with that, he stormed out the door and the classroom beyond. Lupin followed
him to the door and watched him wistfully as he left, stalking up past the
children's empty desks. Soon, he was gone, and Lupin regretted that it couldn't
be different, because he truly did care for Snape. But now, as he overlooked
the empty classroom, he could already see the children in their seats in his
mind's eye and dread swept over him. He was suddenly impatient for his next
meeting with Snape.
 
 
For Hermione, it was the first day back to school. She was excited for all the
new classes she'd be taking this year and her ambition filled her with pride as
she thought of all that she would achieve this year and those to come after.
As the Hall started to empty, Hermione went off to class. She had three that
morning, but Divination was the first, so she went with Harry and Ron up to the
Astronomy Tower.
They found the trapdoor to the classroom and were soon climbing up a silvery
ladder. Divination class was a disappointment; however, she would, of course,
still continue it, now that she’d started it. She had already fixed it with
Professor McGonagall, after all.
At least the next few classes in that timeslot lived up to her expectations.
Arithmancy was especially interesting, and she thought it may well become one
of her favourites.
First class in the next timeslot was Care of Magical Creatures. This was
Hagrid's class, and she was both anxious and curious about what he would do.
She knew, along with Harry and Ron, his attachment to dangerous creatures.
It seemed to be all right, though. He brought Hippogriffs for the first lesson,
and while this was quite unorthodox, it wasn't really that bad for Hagrid. But
then, she hadn't exactly been expecting Dragons.
Malfoy, though, like an idiot, had to ruin it. Halfway through the lesson,
after he had approached and was petting one grey Hippogriff, Buckbeak, he had
insulted it, so it had attacked. Hermione had opened the gate for Hagrid,
carrying Malfoy to the hospital wing. Despite her dislike for him, she had to
admit that she was worried.
The news of Malfoy's attack the following day spread quickly. Hermione was
sure, as were the Gryffindors in general for that matter, that this was thanks
to the Slytherins. And there was no denying that Pansy was the worse of the
lot.
It was only the morning now, and Hermione still had a full day ahead of her.
And since she was studying twice as hard, it was even more the fuller for it.
However, this didn't mean she was oblivious to everything else.
Yet, despite all reasons, that afternoon she still found herself making her way
to the hospital wing. She had something she needed to find out for herself.
Neither Harry nor Ron knew she was going there. She didn't usually lie to them,
but she saw no harm. She knew what they'd say.
She knew they wouldn't understand her going to visit Malfoy, even if she had
well-grounded reasons. They had hated him from the start; even going as far as
thinking he was the heir of Slytherin last year. But she had to do this.
When she reached the hospital wing, she peeked inside to check he was alone.
"Enjoying the show?" he called to her from his bed as she saw him. Having
already been spotted, she freely opened the door wide and approached him.
Before she even got to speak, though, he continued.
"I suppose you're all having a big laugh about this. Getting attacked by a wild
hippogriff--!"
"He wasn't wild." Hermione protested. "You were just stupid."
"Oh, thanks, Granger. That makes me feel so much better!" he retorted
sarcastically.
"I'm not here to make you feel better," she said.
"No, you're here to mock me!"
"No, I'm not here for that, either."
"Then just why are you here, Granger?" demanded Malfoy.
She hesitated. "You're going to get Hagrid sacked, aren't you?"
"That's right, Granger! You here to stop me?" Malfoy boasted.
Hermione's face slipped, but she was still determined to stand firm. "You're
going to blame
Hagrid for this? It wasn't his fault! It was yours! You can't --"
"Can't I, Granger? Just wait! That big oaf had it coming, anyway," he sneered.
Hermione just looked at him with that same resentment she always did. "It
doesn't end here, you know."
"Oh no?" retorted Malfoy. "Well, bring it on, then, Granger!"
Hermione glared at him for a long moment. She hated him for being so selfish.
His sneering face disgusted her.
"Anything else?" he teased. Hearing his smug voice was even worse.
"Yeah," she said defiantly. "Did you really think that you were dying? Or was
it just that you're so spoiled that you can't even handle a scratch now?" she
teased. She wasn't going to let him take her pride; she determined to take his,
instead.
"Haven't you been listening, Granger? I acted it up for the excuse to have
Hagrid sacked! Or is it that you're too thick to pick up on something like
that?" Malfoy retorted.
"I'm smart enough to realise that that's just a pathetic excuse that you'd use
to save whatever dignity you still have after acting like such a baby."
"And yet you're still here. You were worried about me. You opened the gate for
me. Why would that be, Granger? Are you just pathetic enough to care about
anyone you witness getting injured? Or is there another reason?" He said with a
smirk.
"Like what?" she said. "Like that I fancy you, you mean?" she said with mocking
tones.
"Maybe you do, if that's your first reaction," he teased smugly.
"Get over yourself, Malfoy!"
"I should say the same," replied Malfoy.
"What? I'm not conceited like you are."
"I'm not talking about you."
Hermione just glared at him. "It's lines like that that only prove my point."
"And what is your point? I'm arrogant; we all knew that. So what?"
She paused. "My point," said Hermione, reflecting back on the conversation, "is
that...you're...too arrogant for your own good. You disregard anything anyone
else says or thinks in favour of something more egotistic."
"Your reasons don't explain why you thought it would make any difference coming
here."
Hermione was silent. She had no answer to this. There had to be something to
say. "I..." she began, "...I had to try."
"You had to try?" said Malfoy skeptically. "You're all logic; you had a plan!
What is it? Or are you just chickening out now?"
"I-I didn't! You can't know that I was planning --"
"Oh, can't I, Granger? I know you! You know that I know you! And I know that
you know me! You think I don't know how you operate?"
"Well, obviously not, because you're completely wrong!"
"Oh, yeah --?"
But before he could say more, she had whipped around and headed to the double
doors. She didn't want to hear one more word from him. True that it was that he
disgusted her, she was also a little afraid he might say something that may
trap her.
Because, after all, maybe he was right. Maybe she did have a plan. Maybe she
just forgot it.
 
"Why didn't Potter tackle the boggart?" Malfoy said next Thursday after Defense
Against the Dark Arts. "Pathetic, even Longbottom could do it!"
Potter, Weasley and Granger turned to him, glaring. "Mind your own business,
Malfoy," said Ron harshly.
"Of course," Malfoy continued, "I suppose Lupin has a point. I mean, Potter is
pretty pathetic. Although, Lupin's no prize himself --"
"Shut up, Malfoy!"
"What's the matter, Potter?" teased Malfoy. "Struck a nerve?"
"Just ignore it," said Hermione haughtily, sparing Malfoy a cold glance and
lifting up her nose. "Let's just go."
Harry nodded, and they set off with Ron following closely behind.
As the three left, Malfoy continued calling insults at them and teasing them.
He didn't appreciate that Hermione was choosing to act as though she weren't
plotting against him, like she'd proved in the hospital wing, nor the fact that
Potter and Weasley seemed ignorant of all this.
"Mr Malfoy," came a voice from behind him, "may I ask what you're doing?"
Malfoy turned and looked up at Professor Snape, and smirked. "They were
insulting me, sir."
"Were they?" asked Snape skeptically. "I didn't hear Miss Granger say anything
to you."
 
"Why do you care about her?" asked Malfoy.
"Mr Malfoy, when one sees you shouting the word 'mudblood' at Potter's little
group, one hardly assumes that you are referring to Mr Weasley. One would not
even assume you mean Potter," said Snape.
"You know you wouldn't want to lay a hand against us Slytherins."
"That does not mean that others would not. Be careful about how much you use
that word, Malfoy; it may land you in just about any detention in this school."
Draco stared at Snape for a moment. "Crabbe, Goyle, lets go." And they passed
Snape, who just stood there as they went.
'Mudblood,' thought Snape bitterly, recalling the word only too clearly. And
yet again, here it was, brought into the next generation on an equally
intelligent witch just as the girl, whom he had loved, had been. 'Mudblood…'
 
 
"The last time I met you, it was in the aftermath of Lord Voldemort's reign, a
year after he fell. I was still finding myself when I bumped into you on the
street. I had only heard what had happened to you after Voldemort fell, and
there you were, right in front of me, glaring. I wanted to say something, but
you pushed past me. It had been so long, do you remember, Severus?"
Snape just glared at Lupin.
"But even then, you never seemed to care for anyone. Its heartening to learn
that time has changed you," Lupin said, one afternoon in the teacher's room.
Snape looked at Lupin with a glare mixed with genuine confusion at Lupin's
comment. "Not for the first time, I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Hermione. You defended her from Draco Malfoy? You were never one to accept
moral responsibility, even now; at the very least, Neville is proof of that.
Yet you defended her."
This was not the first time that Lupin and Snape had talked since the first
night, but it was the first personal conversation. Since then, Snape had been
distant, even solicitous each time they had met or passed by each other.
Still, it was nothing short of a miracle that not only did Lupin have this job,
but that he was so close to this man who he had been smitten with so often in
his past, even if under the most awkward of circumstances. And this seemed to
raise his spirits, despite himself.
"You heard that conversation? Were you eavesdropping on me?" retorted Snape.
"Why must you skew anything you hear out of proportion?"
"I don’t think that’s fair, Severus. Is my idea so farfetched?" said Lupin.
"Your ideas are nothing to linger on; I alone know why I act the way I do, and
it is not something I feel like sharing. Let me assure you, though, that it is
not a personal issue."
Lupin looked down sadly, hoping his hair was enough to hide his eyes. But there
wasn't enough of it, and Snape saw right through him, anyway.
Snape paused. "What's this, Lupin? Did you, perhaps, have the wrong idea? You
were never shy about anything before."
Lupin took a chance and looked up at Snape. "I'm not this time, either..."
Lupin said. "I'm just..." He couldn't say it. He was ashamed of his jealousy,
but it was always going to be complicated with Snape.
"Severus," said Lupin, starting over. "I admit that I’m every bit deserving of
this severed relationship…but that night in the Shrieking Shack…it seemed to
fill a space that my friends hadn't, even when we ran free…and--and I was sure
then...that I loved you –"
Snape glared and Lupin stopped mid-sentence. "You got all that from one night?"
Snape asked skeptically. "It wasn't just --?"
"No," said Lupin gravely.
Just then, the door swung open and Professors McGonagall and Sprout walked in,
talking enthusiastically. Professors Snape and Lupin hastened away from each
other. Their conversation was over. Lupin was just glad something had
interrupted that horrible moment. He still felt a bit pink from embarassment.
 
 
Lupin had lit a candle on his desk. It must be late now, maybe ten. He had just
finished his last report and thought it wise to go to bed now, or else make his
ill health prior to his upcoming transformation worse. A werewolf needs all the
energy he could get; even with the Wolfsbane Potion, he was still quite ill.
Lupin extinguished the candle with his wand. The room went dark, darker than he
expected. Automatically, his eyes hit the window; the night outside seemed
brighter than this room now. You couldn't see a thing in here, but that just
seemed to illuminate the night sky even more. And that didn't even include the
stars and the moon hanging brilliantly in the sky.
The moon. Lupin, now approaching the window, looked up at it sadly. The thing
that dictated his life even now. He rarely felt anything but resentment as he
watched it -- tonight wasn't the night however. It was a half moon. No, as he
stared up at it tonight he felt a sort of quiet appreciation, seeing for just
this moment what it really was. Beautiful.
But that lasted only a few seconds before the sight of it made him turn away.
He sighed. His thoughts drifted away from the window, and the sudden darkness
reminded him how it used to be, just him and Severus. He longed for those days
to return, but they were long gone to him now. He just wished he could kiss him
once more.
He couldn't stay here. He used the light from the windows to collect his now-
finished reports before finding his way towards the door. As he touched the
door handle, he imagined Snape on the other side. He closed his eyes and held
that image in despair, wishing it were true, but as he swung the door open, he
found the hall unsurprisingly empty. He sighed again.
He stepped out into the dark corridors warily and headed down through them
towards the teacher's rooms. Though he was inside, he seemed to feel a night
chill as he walked, led by his lit wand. Or maybe he was just eager to crawl
into his warm bed and everything else just seemed too cold. He seemed to have a
hurried skip in his step, so maybe that was it.
When he got there, he found Snape heading towards the stairs. The stairs were
deserted when Lupin reached them, however, and the hall upstairs was likewise
when he reached the top.
He knew that Snape only had one place to go from here, and that was into his
own room. And after what he had seen, he felt the urge to go talk to him. But
even now, he knew he couldn't do it, because Snape would not want to talk and
he had no excuse to do so, so he headed down the hall to his room.
As he got inside, the solitude of it struck him hard after the reality of
seeing Snape. He wished that, at least, their rooms were next to each other.
That, he could at least take comfort in, if nothing else.
He put the reports down on his desk and headed towards his closet, inside which
his clothes drawers stood on the left. He took out his pyjamas and put them on,
before turning in.
 
 
"Hermione, can I sit down?" They were in the library and Lupin had just
approached a very studious Hermione.
"Professor? What are you doing here?"
"I came to talk to you," replied Lupin.
"Talk to me? What about?"
"I just wanted to ask you...your opinion of Professor Snape?"
"What do you mean?" asked Hermione.
"Well...what do you think of him?" he repeated the question.
"Oh, um...I don't know...well, I think he's a bit unfair sometimes..."
"How so? I know he's certainly talented at Potions."
"But he's always showing favouritism to Slytherin, and he bullies Gryffindor,
especially Neville! Oh, Professor, you should see him in Potions!"
"Yes, I didn't think he liked Neville much, judging by what he said in the
Staff Room where we had our first lesson. Do you remember?"
"Yes. But Neville did well in your class, Professor. It must be just the way
Snape treats Neville that makes him bad at Potions. He can be rather short-
sighted, can't he?"
"Perhaps," said Lupin, in a manner of not wanting to admit it. "But he is
clever, too -- like you, Hermione. Though I won't deny that he was never great
at understanding how to treat people. Cleverness can't make up for that."
"No..." said Hermione. She seemed to be lost in thought for a moment.
"Although...I've never been great in that, either... I mean, Ron..."
"Well, it could happen to any one of us. I think Severus is simply worse at it
then the rest of us. I was just making a point. Why, is it bad to be like
Severus?"
"No -- I mean, well...yes, I don't know...well, it just feels that...he's
just...he just seems a bit anti-social to me, and I don't think I am."
Lupin chuckled. "Well I prefer to think beauty lies in imperfection. I try to,
anyway. And I wouldn't be so horrified by the fact that you are alike,
Hermione. Never forget, beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
"Then perhaps I might say the same of you," said Hermione.
Lupin looked down, embarrassed. "Thank you, I appreciate that. Although I'm
still in doubt about that, but Harry's mother, whom I had the pleasure to know
at Hogwarts, thought so. I'd like to believe it, but..."
Hermione looked at him, eyes sympathetic. She had to say something. Suddenly,
Lupin said,
"What are you doing in here, anyway? Couldn't you be studying in the common
room? Less walking."
"Yes, but it's too distracting in there to do any real work."
"Why, what's going on in there?"
"Well, nothing in particular. Its just too noisy. But sir, why did you come to
talk to me about Snape?"
"Oh, no reason...its just that...I've had a few things on my mind, and I needed
to unload some thoughts on somebody. And I've taken quite a shine to you."
Hermione felt a smile tug on her lips; since that night on the train, with the
Dementor, she had been invested in him.
"Well, I won't take up any more of your time. I can see you've got studying to
do." And he was off.
 
 
Snape made his way down the empty corridors on his way to Lupin's classroom
disdainfully. But with the afternoon wearing away, he had no choice. The full
moon was approaching and Snape had to get it to him.
When he reached the heavy door of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom,
he knocked resentfully. He listened for the voice that would allow him to
enter, and pulled the door open once he heard it.
As soon as he was called to enter, he froze in the doorway for a moment, as
Snape had just pushed it open. He was reminded of the previous day when Potter
had been there. But Lupin was quite alone now, and would feel free, now, to
speak of things Snape would rather not hear, and felt himself tenser than
yesterday. Lupin seemed to guess this.
"You look a little tense," said Lupin, patiently watching Snape from his seat
behind his desk as Snape approached him, for Snape's body was rigid as he
walked.
"Not that its any of your business," said Snape bitterly.
"Don't worry about me. I'm here to teach, that's all," he sighed.
Snape glared at Lupin and stopped in front of his desk, lingering hesitantly
over Lupin's face and setting down the goblet. "Drink it," said Snape.
But Lupin continued to look up into Snape's face, wishing that it wasn't like
this. That they could return to being together like so many years ago. He
wished he had reason to trust him again, he wished Snape didn't have to be so
stubborn. Still, he wouldn't force anything upon him.
Lupin hated that they had become enemies in a sense, too much to ever get that
close again, but Lupin knew Snape had good reason, because so did he. Lupin was
still scared, even after all these years, but he still wanted things to be
different, at least.
"Severus --"
"Drink it," said Snape more forcefully. Lupin started to drink and recoiled in
disgust. Trying to overcome the taste, he tried to keep drinking. But he did
not finish it off just yet. Snape turned to leave when Lupin spoke again.
"Why do you turn away from me, Severus?"
"You know the answer to that. You just don't want to face it," said Snape,
turning around slightly.
"Don't be so stubborn."
"Funny, I could say the same to you. You're still as bad as you ever were in
school."
"I wasn’t that bad, Severus. I always stood up for you."
"Think you're different, do you? What makes you think I'd believe that? You
never once made them back down. Only Lily did that." Snape snapped.
"Lily was your friend. If my friends had witnessed me doing something like
that, they’d never accept me again, just like anyone else wouldn't have. I'd
had my fair share of that in life already...But Lily was different. Lily was
popular, she couldn't be rejected, even by those she hated," said Lupin.
"Besides, she didn’t always do that, did she?"
"Don’t!" snapped Snape.
Lupin paused. "I was never a bully. I tried to ignore it, pretend it wasn't
happening. But afterward I at least spoke for you."
"Don't play innocent with me! You chose your friends over me. You tried to
pretend it wasn't happening? Well, it was happening! Pretending only made you
selfish and irresponsible, like them. And it proves you never cared that much
for me."
Lupin was silent for a moment, solemn and thoughtful. Those nights with the
Marauders when he'd transformed...how irresponsible he'd been... and his
cowardly treatment of Snape... Was he really any different now, after all?
"Severus, I never meant to…"
"Well you did. You made a conscious decision, and you chose them! Do you really
expect me to take you back after that? That’s what you want, isn’t it?"
"No! I never said – I’m sorry, Severus. I don’t expect anything. I won’t
pretend not to want that, but I don’t expect it, Severus, I know that you don’t
want me." Lupin explained desperately, and then muttered, "I know no-one
could."
"You can’t demand my sympathy anymore, Lupin," Snape responded to Lupin’s last
comment.
"You took it too far. It ended in that morning light."
Lupin looked up at Snape sadly. "I know you don't trust a word I say, and I
understand, but I'm not trying to trick you. I never did. I only ever wanted to
be close to you, and the events that followed weren't my doing. They just
happened."
"They just happened," Snape repeated, "They just happened. You really have no
shame, do you? You can't honestly believe that, Lupin?"
"Do you honestly believe I was in on the joke?"
"You and I both know that that isn't what I meant. Although it certainly is a
large factor in it. You tried to kill me, Lupin. That I won't forgive."
"I told you, I never wanted to hurt you, I only ever wanted to be close to --"
"As a werewolf? It was foolish to the extreme to think you could get away with
that."
"I didn't --"
Lupin sighed and drank more of the potion. "Thank you, Severus, for doing this
for me," said Lupin, holding up the goblet. "I’m sorry for the trouble," he
added, as Snape looked about to turn around and leave the room.
Snape needed no further cue; he whipped around and stalked out of the
classroom, leaving Lupin alone again. He suspected that Lupin had as much
trouble facing these memories as he did. But they were forcing each other to
relive each of the others' memories, just to prove their point. Snape wanted
Lupin to stop, but they way he carried on, Snape was too stubborn to stop,
himself.
 
 
The threat of Sirius Black on everyone else's minds became all the more
frightening on Halloween night when he attacked the Fat Lady's Portrait. After
a long and enjoyable Feast (in which Snape kept looking towards Lupin, the same
thoughts of their argument lingering in his mind), Gryffindor House had
returned just to discover what had just happened.
The House was forced to sleep in the Great Hall that night, but not before
people from other houses lingered there, talking amongst the House. Amongst
them, were others there with the express motive to taunt them.
"At least I don't have to sleep on the floor!" Draco teased to an already tense
crowd of Gryffindors.
"You're in danger, too, you idiot! He's a mass murderer! He could kill any of
us!" retorted Seamus.
"Don't you dare call me an idiot!" bit Malfoy. "Besides, he attacked
Gryffindor. He's obviously not after me."
"Mind your own business," said Hermione.
"Touchy, are we?" teased Malfoy. "You're just scared," he smirked. Hermione
frowned at him disapprovingly. He was right. But it was a bit contradictory for
him to say it, too. She saw that flash of fear in his eyes just after he had
said that, and she was sure it had to be Sirius Black. In that case, this was
only the beginning.
"I'll bet you’re just covering up your own fear, aren’t you, Draco?" she
retorted.
"What? Don’t be an idiot, Granger, I just told you –"
"Then why do you look so scared, Malfoy?" she challenged.
"Scared? I’m not the House that just got attacked!"
"This affects us all, Malfoy! Or can’t you see that?"
"Yeah, Malfoy, you great prat!" piped up Ron, obviously rather ignorant to the
whole situation.
"Get out of here," added Harry. "Go snuggle up in your nice, warm bed!"
"Jealous, Potter?"
"You'd like that," replied Harry, before Professor McGonagall came to usher him
off. Slowly, everyone began to settle on their places on the floor, and
eventually, one by one, fell asleep. As Hermione did the same, eventually she
forgot all about Malfoy and listened to the sounds around her before settling
down herself. Before she drifted to sleep, however, she was sure she heard Ron
mutter, "Great big prat," before dreams took her.
[End Chapter]
***** Excuses and Similarities *****
Chapter Summary
     Hermione is becoming attracted to Snape, Draco is fighting back and
     Lupin is trying to open Snape up
Days drifted by and the weather got steadily worse. It certainly seemed to put
a damper on everything else, as though the weather reflected everyone's moods.
Especially with emotions running high about Sirius Black near the castle.
Next day, Snape took over Lupin's class. Snape was clearly unimpressed with the
class and what Lupin was teaching. After explaining it to him, however, he put
Hermione down. She didn’t understand it, but it wasn't as if she had never had
to face his stubbornness before. Still, she couldn't help but think that all
this was designed to hold some predjudice against Lupin, and couldn't help but
find offense at this.
If this wasn't enough to dampen her spirits further, then what happened next
was to be the last straw.
"Well, well, well, I never thought I'd see a third-year class who wouldn't even
recognise a werewolf when they saw one. I shall make a point of informing
Professor Lupin how very behind you all are..." he said.
"Please, sir," said Hermione, her hand left hanging in the air, "the werewolf
differs from the true wolf in many small ways. The snout of a werewolf --"
"That is the second time you've spoken out of turn, Miss Granger." Snape
interrupted. "Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-
it-all."
Suddenly, her face had gone red, and she could barely look at him. She put down
her head and could feel fresh tears breaking to the surface. She hated how he
could hurt her so easily. Lupin thought this man was beautiful? More beautiful
than him, even? She doubted that. If anything, it was the opposite way around.
Yet halfway into the lesson, she had forced herself to forget her anguish and
focus on the lesson -- despite the fact that werewolves shouldn't even have
been part of the lesson in the first place. She had cried silently, miserably,
but then wiped away her tears and they had faded now.
And she began to wonder if there was more to him than sarcasm and resentment.
Something Lupin could see that she couldn't. But she felt only resentment, at
his disregard of both of them. Didn't he see how red she'd gone, or how much
Lupin seemed to respect him?
And why? Why did he do it? This was the thing that Hermione didn't seem to
understand, over all things. And after that lesson, she was more than happy to
argue along with Harry and Ron about Snape for this reason (though she would
never tell them that that was why).
 
Hermione was just on her way to Gryffindor Tower after her lessons for the day
were done, to start her usual studying, when she heard voices from another
hallway that were just a little too curious for her to ignore. It sounded like
Malfoy and Snape. They were arguing. Now, that was unusual. She couldn't think
of why they would argue. They were usually on good terms and Malfoy was Snape's
favourite.
Hermione cautiously approached the corner down which the voices were coming
from. The corridor she stood in was deserted, but for her -- Harry and Ron were
both down at the Quidditch pitch; Ron had taken to watching the team's
practices -- as she assumed was the next one where the conversation was taking
place, because she only heard their two voices, and occasionally they would
pause before continuing to speak. Apparently, they didn't want to be heard. She
could understand why.
She thought it was a miracle that they didn't notice she was there, but maybe
they were speaking too loud to hear the small sounds she kept making in hiding.
She pressed herself against the wall in the corner of the hall to listen.
"I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses, Malfoy. You're being far too petty
with me as it is! I realise you are a Slytherin and that you excel in my class,
but if I catch this behaviour again, it will be detention!"
"You won't give me detention!" Malfoy cried arrogantly. "You don't give
Slytherin detention!"
"No, I don't take points from Slytherin. I do give them detention. Only if they
grate on my nerves enough."
Pause. "Is that all I am? A Slytherin who annoys you? A mere gawk-eyed child?"
"Yes," said Snape coldly. "How perceptive of you to realise."
"You're lying," said Malfoy. "We're closer than you want to admit. I was always
your favourite, and that bond is only growing. Don't tell me I'm wrong; I know
I'm not!"
"You're delusional."
"You wish I was. You say you disapprove of my behaviour, but if that was true,
you'd have not taken so long to react. You'd have put me down long ago. You
push me away because you're afraid to get close to --"
"The reason I have not acted earlier, Mr Malfoy," said Snape fiercely, "is
because you have never crossed the line. You were always a mere student, but
now you're acting as though you never were. You are a child, Mr Malfoy. Even if
you had your way, consider that."
"I don't care," said Malfoy, his voice strained, as though pushing through
hesitance.
"The world is a much uglier place that you possibly can conceive. You should
care."
Another pause, and then Snape's voice again. "Oh, put it away, Malfoy, you
won't hex me."
"Maybe I will!" cried Malfoy. "If it means you have to give me detention --"
"Mr. Malfoy, you would have detention just because I were to supervise? How
shameless."
Hermione could suddenly hear approaching footsteps, and turned to run, hearing
Malfoy cry, "Wait, come back here!" in the background as she went.
But she was too late. Without looking, she knew he had spotted her.
"Miss Granger," he said, making her stop. She turned around slowly,
embarrassed, as the Potions Master entered her vision, black robes hanging
about him in a billowy sort of fashion.
"What? Granger?" she heard Malfoy cry and a moment later he emerged from the
hallway too. "Granger!" he cried as he spotted her. His face was full of rage,
but she guessed he hid a little embarrassment, too. "What are you doing here?"
"I must say, I'm curious of that myself," said Snape with a sharp edge to his
voice, and she realised that he, too, was angry to find her here.
She was caught between two angry Slytherins, and she had to respond, so she
thought it would be better if she told the truth. So, nervously, she said, "I
was heading to Gryffindor Tower to study." But fear prevented her from saying
anything more.
"Oh, yeah, I suppose that was all you were doing, you just happened to --"
Snape silenced Malfoy with his hand. "Is that so?" said Snape silkily to
Hermione, eyes locked on her, not sparing a moment for the boy beside him, a
look of cold questioning in his eyes.
"Well, I must warn you, Miss Granger, not to repeat what you have just heard,
or you will pay for it."
Hermione wanted to ask why, but she just nodded her head slowly. "Yes,
Professor," she said.
"But Professor --!"
"That's enough, Mr. Malfoy," said Snape. "Back to your common rooms, now. Both
of you." He addressed them both, and they both complied.
 
Hermione was back in the library that evening when she saw Malfoy and sat at
the same desk he was studying at. He looked up; a hard look automatically fixed
to it as soon as he saw her.
"You really are delusional, aren't you?" she asked, smirking. She had said it
after a few minutes' silence, before that simply watching his fragilely firm
face, but unable to resist saying it any longer.
Malfoy paused. Then he looked up insolently at her. "None of your business,
Granger! Do you really have to go sticking her nose in everywhere?"
Hermione looked scandalised. "Hardly," she said defensively. "And incidentally,
I do think it is my business."
"Oh yeah? And what makes you say that, Granger?"
"Because I heard what you said. Both of you. I heard enough to know that you're
pining, and I now have to carry that information on my shoulders, and whether
either of us likes it or not, that makes me involved. That makes it my
business."
"You're bound by morals; I'm not. You want to find out my secrets? I'll find
yours first! There are some things you exceed me in; but when it comes to
secrets and lies, you won't."
"Besides that the fact that you're Slytherin, what advantages could you think
you hold? What have you even got in common with Snape, Malfoy, besides that
fact?" Hermione retorted.
Malfoy scoffed. "What similarities could you possibly share with him, Granger?"
he shot.
"We're not talking about me, Malfoy," she said harshly.
"You're just saying that because you don't have any!"
"I'm saying that because I'm trying to show you how pathetic you're being. You
do realise that you're fighting over Snape?" retorted Hermione.
"Well if I'm pathetic, let's talk about you! Are you pining after someone?
Because if you have to seek me out just to taunt me about a situation you're
not allowed to reveal --"
"-- then it probably means I dislike you as much as I always have."
"But you never have!" cried Malfoy. "You are nothing if not defensive around
me, but that doesn't mean you hate me. We've always been vaguely connected in
an unspoken way, and you know it. You feed off of me, and I feed off of you.
It's give and take, and it has been since day one."
Hermione paused. She knew all of this, but she was gobsmacked that Malfoy
actually admitted to it, as she never thought he would. She was never sure he'd
even realised it, until now. She opened her mouth --
"Ha! You do!"
Madam Pince whacked him on the back of his head. "No shouting in the library!"
She stalked off.
"That woman is a freak of nature..." Malfoy muttered.
"She is not," replied Hermione softly, "she's perfectly nice when you're not
breaking library rules or being indecent."
"Don't change the subject, Granger. You're pining, too."
"I never said that!" she hissed.
"No, but generally when you avoid a question, you're afraid of it, means you're
afraid of the answer. And being afraid of the answer 'no' makes no sense," said
Malfoy.
"There can be exceptions --"
"You're not it."
"Yes, I --"
"No, you're not."
She was silent. Was he right? Was she pining after Lupin? That would be a sad
moment, to have something so wrong in common with Malfoy. She may be smarter
than Malfoy but he was right about at least one thing: she may exceed him in
smarts, but certainly not in secrecy.
She looked down to her work, trying to focus on it instead, when Malfoy said,
"Who is it?"
"I'm not telling you." Not for anything. Not if I can help it.
"You've obviously resigned yourself to the fact, so who is it?"
Hermione's head shot up. "What?"
"You heard."
She dropped her head again. "I'm not telling you," she repeated.
"Fine. Maybe Potty or Weasel can tell me."
Again, her head shot up. "Don't you dare tell them about this!" she spat
acidly.
Malfoy smirked. "You know what I want to hear."
Hermione hesitated. "How do I know...that you won't --"
"Do you want to take that chance?"
Did she? If she did, and he told, she'll have forfeited both her secret and her
friends would know. But why was even she considering this? It was too
embarassing to say. But if he did tell... "Lupin."
Malfoy's eyebrows shot up. "Lupin?" he spat. "That's just like you to have such
bad taste."
"Better than Snape, at least," she said, disgusted.
"How would you know?"
"Because I have common sense. Anyway, now we're even. This is where it can end.
I know your secret, you know mine. Secrets and lies is your specialty, right?
You could easily keep to that."
"And what if I don't want to hide this for you, when it would be so much
sweeter to reveal the truth?"
"Because then I'll return the favour," said Hermione.
Draco glared. "Then I'll just have to get the upper hand."
"Why? Isn't it just easier to let it go?"
"Yes, and its also worthless. They don't call Slytherin ambitious for nothing,
Granger."
And he turned his attention back to where it had started. She didn't leave, but
too, continued studying where she was. It was an awkward silence, but
eventually their minds drifted apart.
 
Lupin was standing in the doorway of Snape's office, and Snape was organising
his desk. It was the start of lunch, and he'd been about to leave. He had
learned, out of coming down here for his potion sometimes, that Snape always
lingered here before leaving, organising his things.
"You just had her for Potions again, didn't you?" said Lupin.
Snape still glared at Lupin. "You do remember our conversation the last time
you mentioned Hermione Granger? Must you keep toying in affairs that are none
of your business?" said Snape threateningly. "Or are you simply trying to make
my life miserable on purpose?"
Lupin smiled, despite Snape's attitude, which was expected, anyway. "What can I
say?" said Lupin. "You're making it hard for me. I've told you, I don't want to
make your life miserable. Do you really think I would do that?"
Snape continued to glare. "Do you really think you can change my mind on a
memory? There's nothing more pathetic that a man who clings hopelessly to
memories!"
"But then are you saying that you don't do the same thing? I find that hard to
believe, what with the grudges you still hold to this day. And I'm only doing
it because I need to know for sure if you would still leave, even if you
remembered that feeling." He was at Snape's desk now, behind which Snape was
glaring up at him.
"You really are delusional, Lupin. You think you are like me. You are not."
"Now, Severus, do you really believe that?"
"Yes," Snape said, emerging from behind his desk and moving to his office,
knowing Lupin would follow.
"But how can you? We're both outsiders, you and me. We both have little to
offer others...--"
"But the difference there is that you care, I don't."
"You can't pretend that we are different just because we have different
reactions to these traits. I know we are alike."
"You know?" said Snape slowly. "You know nothing! You simply ascertain what you
prefer to believe! Whether or not we have a few similarities means nothing on
the grand scale of things!"
There was a long awkward silence, Snape fuming at him all the while. Finally,
Lupin said, "Well, if we're really not alike, after all, what am I to tell
Hermione?"
"What?" cried Snape. "You didn't --?"
"I did. And now we're even, Severus."
"This is about telling Dumbledore about you?" asked Snape resentfully. He
couldn't help feeling like that was a stupid reason to do something like that.
Still, he had to applaud Lupin.
"Well, well, well, I never thought you'd take it on your own to do something
about it."
"Well, I wasn't thinking of it to start off with, but it certainly served its
purpose in the end. But this isn't about me. You and her are just as similar as
you and me, Severus..."
"Granger?"
"Yes," said Lupin.
"You're too jealous for your own good." said Snape. "Why her in particular?
Betting too soon
on your favourite racehorse? Draco Malfoy has worshipped me since our first
potions class, and it is clear that it is turning into something stronger in
his mind."
Lupin looked at him. "Draco Malfoy?" repeated Lupin incredulously. Snape just
glared harder at him.
"Yes, Draco Malfoy," said Snape, voice bordering on sarcasm. "I'm surprised
your paranoid mind hasn't picked up the signals by now. Perhaps you are simply
fixated on your own preferences, rather than the truth of the matter. Wouldn't
be the first time."
Lupin looked at Snape significantly. Snape had a point, but what did that say
about his relationship with Hermione? He certainly had taken a shine to her, in
a genuinely natural way of course, but what was it he was looking for in her?
Then something occured to him. "If you are not interested as you say, then why
have you been glancing at her more often lately?"
Snape grimaced. "Miss Granger overheard a conversation between myself and a
student --"
"Malfoy?"
Snape glared at Lupin. "Yes, Malfoy," replied Snape sharply. "I had to keep an
eye on her."
"That's your excuse."
"I don't need you getting involved in my business --"
"You don't want anyone getting involved in your business; you don't even want
any business. You are afraid to live. Having a past isn't a bad thing, Severus.
You made some bad choices, but you have proved that you are stronger than them
by even being at the castle. You need to start over, not avoid all that
connects you to this world. You are half-dead, and you should be alive."
"And by 'be alive'," said Snape with great scorn, "you of course mean, 'hold me
tender', right?"
"No, I --"
"Get out. Just get out, Lupin," Snape spat. "I have no intention of getting
wrapped up in your desires."
Snape looked fierce enough for Lupin to nod without a word, and back out of the
room, keeping sad eyes on Snape before moving out the door and leaving his love
behind.
 
It wasn't Sirius Black that Draco Malfoy had been disturbed about. It was his
fears about Hermione Granger. And, in his mind, his intentions were clear. He
was going to steal Snape from her. He'd liked the Professor long before she
had, anyway. According to him, Snape was his rightful property and Granger was
unworthy.
He made a point to corner her on the bridge at the earliest possible
opportunity. Then he would strike.
"I wouldn't get too comfy if I were you. I'm going to make sure you don't have
a chance!"
"Oh, are you?" she cried.
"You heard!"
"I'd like to see you try!"
"Maybe you're too stupid." Malfoy teased.
"I'm not stupid!" Hermione was outraged now. She whipped out her wand.
"Sensitive, are we?" Malfoy teased.
"Back off Malfoy, or you'll be sorry!"
Malfoy whipped out his own wand. "I'd like to see you try anything!" he
sneered. She cast the spell on him, but he muttered his own incantation,
reflecting her spell back after her. She felt stupid then. She could swear she
heard him laugh as she ran off.
The next day was Quidditch, and stormy weather lingered predictably in the air.
But this was far from the worst thing of it; when she was watching the game
from the stands and saw Dementors closing in on Harry, Hermione was horrified
by what she saw. Harry fell from his broom onto the Quidditch pitch.
"Miss Granger," said Snape as she emerged from the hospital wing along with
Ron. "Sorry to hear about Potter."
Ron muttered something inaudible, scoffing disbelievingly. Snape glared at him
for a moment before looking back to Hermione.
"If you could come with me? There's something I need to talk to you about."
Hermione hesitated for a moment, not sure whether to defy him and tell him that
whatever he had to say he had to say in front of Ron, but then decided against
herself on that point, thinking it might be better if he didn't hear. Just in
case.
Hermione nodded and went to his side as they walked away. "Yes, sir?" she asked
when they were out of earshot of Ron.
"I heard you had a little conversation with Lupin. I thought it might be
prudent to ask you what he told you. And just where you stand."
"He only asked me about you. What I think of you. And then he compared you to
me, and you to him."
"Asking about me?" asked Snape. So Lupin was seeking counsel. In her; that was
curious.
"And what comparisons did he make?"
"Is that really any of your business, Professor?" she asked.
"It is certainly not yours. Just tell me, for your own sake, Miss Granger." he
pressed her.
"My own sake, or yours, Professor?" she retorted.
"Listen, Miss Granger," threatened Snape. "I don't want you turning this on its
head; I don't
want you listening to what Lupin said! You're just being manipulated."
"How dare you! Besides, I trust Lupin! And he was right. But your beauty he
mentioned...that's a bit more complicated..."
"My beauty, Miss Granger?" He made the words sound dirty, speaking from his
mouth.
"Yes. Well…that's what Lupin said," said Hermione nervously.
Snape glared at her for a moment. "Care to elaborate?"
"As I said, complicated." muttered Hermione.
Snape gave her a wry expression. "Indeed. There is another issue. Regarding Mr
Malfoy. I'd say none of us can be said to be in any doubt over what you must
have heard, and none more insistant on a solution to the problem. We cannot
trust you, Miss Granger. And as much as I would like to, as a teacher, I cannot
Obliviate you.
"This is the main reason I have asked to talk to you. I would like to offer a
proposition; if you do not remain quiet, I will do all in my power to make you
suffer for it. If I have to make fabrications, I will. You will be punished."
"You only have that power over me as long as I remain at Hogwarts. Once I
leave, its no longer in your control. I could tell anyone I wanted."
"Oh, don't give me that, Miss Granger! You and I both know that you are not
going to leave this school prematurely, simply because of me. Your threats
leave no impression on me whatsoever, so you can just drop them right now!"
"It wasn't a threat. Surely you don't think I'll be here forever? You have
until I graduate year seven, and then your secrets are gone."
"I never said it was a permanent solution, but do you really think that my
threats will have absolutely no mind over you at all? Or that I will have not
thought of a new plan in so many years? The two of you, I'd say you rather
deserve each other, two naive fools torturing each other into insanity. Malfoy
is as delusional as Lupin, and you are without a clue!"
"How dare you!" she shrieked. "I can take care of myself!"
"That I doubt, Miss Granger."
"Don't tell me that! You think people delusional, but I think that's just a
reflection on you, isn't it? You want us, need us to be delusional, so that you
can't take any of us seriously. You want to push us to the side so you don't
have deal with your feelings, whatever those are. You are a coward --"
"Don't!" cried Snape, lifting her by her collar on instinct. They stood frozen
like that for a moment, before he let her go. "Nothing but an insufferable
know-it-all," he sniffed, pure hatred dripping from those lips.
'Nothing but an emotionally stunted bigot,' she thought bitterly.
She glared at him, and then turned away. "Fine, then," she said, her voice
strained. And she trudged off, hurt.
 
As she approached the common room, Hermione made sure to compose herself. She
would not let them see from her face what had happened. Besides, if they did,
Snape won that argument. Even if he wasn't there, she felt the need to prove
herself. And by the time she reached Gryffindor Tower's portrait, she'd cleaned
up her face, and her stance was relaxed.
"Hermione?" asked a voice before she'd even had a chance to stand before Sir
Cadogan (the only one stupid enough to replace the Fat Lady) to say the
password.
She jumped, and then turned towards the voice. It was Professor Lupin.
"What's wrong, Hermione? You look miserable." Was it that obvious, even after
the thorough attempt at hiding it?
"Do I?" she asked, sounding more concerned than she meant to.
He looked sympathetically at her for a moment, then said, "Come with me to my
office. Let's talk."
And without another thought, she was following him. They were both silent all
the way there. It wasn't until they were both sitting down in Lupin's office
that either of them finally began to speak.
"What happened, Hermione?" asked Lupin.
Hermione hesitated before speaking. "Well, after I went to visit Harry in the
hospital wing -- you saw what happened, after all," and Lupin nodded in
response, "-- I was approached by Snape." began Hermione.
"Ah. Now it's becoming clear. Go on," Lupin said.
Hermione looked back over her conversation with Snape and started to recount
it. "And he referred to that conversation we had in the library, trying to find
out about it. Don't know how he even knew, unless he'd been spying on us..."
she said.
"Ah, that was my fault. You see, I brought it up when we were talking
previously."
"Oh." said Hermione.
"Terribly sorry, Hermione, where were you?"
"Oh, well," she said, and continued telling her story, recounting everything,
right up until the point that she had left.
"Well, no wonder you're upset." said Lupin. "After all that, who wouldn't be?"
So he understood. And she had thought she had been overreacting.
But before she could thank him, there was something she had to ask. "Why did he
call you delusional?"
"Oh, no reason, he just...we have a bit of a history wherein something happened
that he doesn't see worth forgiving me on."
"Then isn't that like denial?"
"Why, yes, I suppose it is."
"Oh. Well. Thank you," she said finally. "For listening."
Lupin nodded. "Oh, and Hermione, how did Snape react when you mentioned what
I'd said about his beauty?"
"He was a little incredulous." Hermione answered. "And then he was
inquisitive."
"I see..." muttered Lupin, thinking for a moment. "Well, let's have another
look at your face." He said then, lifting her chin up to meet his gaze.
"Better." he assessed.
"Would the others notice?"
"They might." Lupin admitted.
She looked disappointed. "You don't need to feel ashamed, Hermione. Don't
listen to what Severus said. He was wrong."
"Thank you," she said again. "But I still don't want them to see."
"I understand. But you better not linger here for too long. I have other things
to do, and you wouldn't want your friends to worry."
Hermione couldn't argue with that; she shouldn't let them worry. But they still
might if they read her face correctly enough to see what happened. But after
walking back to the common room deliberately slowly, she was relieved to see
that they didn't notice. But she did explain why she took so long getting back.
At least in part; because Lupin had asked to talk to her, too.
 
"I heard you and Hermione had a chat today," said Lupin as he entered Snape's
dungeons.
"Not something I'd like to discuss, thank you, Lupin." said Snape nonchalantly
as he shuffled papers on his desk.
"Severus, how long is this going to go on? Even if nothing is going on, you
can't keep running from her when --"
"If I'm running from anyone, it's you."
"Yes, you've proved that."
Snape gave him an odd look, but Lupin ploughed on before he got a chance to
retort. "You shouldn't have spoken to her like that."
"Granger?" Snape asked, returning to the conversation, and his eyes to the
desk.
"That's right," replied Lupin. "You upset her today."
"So what? She needs to leave me alone."
"Just like I do?"
"Yes," said Snape.
"When are you going to stop pushing people away?"
"When they leave me alone. If I'm allowed that freedom."
"She told me you were 'a little incredulous' and then 'inquisitive' after she'd
explained herself."
"You spoke to her?" asked Snape, sounding angry, eyes flicking back up. Lupin
realised that Snape had been avoiding his gaze.
"She was upset. It's healthy to seek counsel after something like that. Not
that you'd understand something like that." Lupin replied.
Clear hatred was spread onto Snape's face. "No, only you would understand
something like that," he retorted.
"That's just the sort of thing I mean. How can you judge Hermione when you're
sensitive as any teenager?"
Snape's hatred turned into rage. "I am not the boy I once was, Lupin!" he cried
without thinking. "And I am certainly not running from anything! I've grown up,
unless its escaped your attention. Don't reflect on me," he said.
Lupin seemed a little caught off-guard by this, but said nothing. And Snape
began to stalk out of the room, pushing past Lupin to do so. But he froze and
glared down at it when Lupin's fingers caught his arm, wrapping themselves
around it consciously. "Severus..."
"What?" barked Snape.
"I know you were avoiding my gaze. Whatever it is that is on your mind, you
don't have to share it. But...there is something I need to say before you
leave. I'm not delusional; you're just in denial over whatever we had. After
all these years...that's why I said you were like a teenager, and whether or
not you want to admit it, its true."
Snape paused, still frozen for a moment. Lupin continued, "I realise you've
grown up; you've grown up considerably, as is easily seen by the way you hold
yourself. But there are some parts that are still there, no matter how you try
to erase them. I still see the child in you, even if nobody else can."
Then, with a sudden yank, Snape pulled his arm from Lupin's grip, who let go
hesitantly but willingly, his fingers going soft. Lupin stood helplessly as he
watched Snape put distance between them and leave through the classroom door.
But he was going to the same place Lupin was. They sat beside each other there,
so he couldn't really escape, but they at least could not speak freely there.
Maybe that was the appeal for Snape. Not to speak of the things he'd been
avoiding with Lupin.
To be honest, he found it a little interesting. Afraid of being weak, seen as a
coward? That sounded like a Gryffindor to him. One more similarity.
 
Some events passed between Draco and Hermione without either backing down. What
with him pushing his father's buttons with the hippogriff issue and threatening
her over Snape, there was little room for idle talk. The same might be said of
herself and Ron, too, under cover of such things as his issue with Crookshanks
and her telling McGonagall about Harry's new Firebolt at Christmas, because she
and McGonagall had suspected it was sent by Sirius Black.
Draco walked into Potions smirking at Hermione. This confused and annoyed all
three of her and her friends. "What's he on about now?" Ron wondered out loud.
But soon enough, they found out, when Draco was passing them to his desk. "Hey,
Granger. How's trouble in paradise?" he teased.
"What?" she cried.
"I heard Snape yelled at you. How's it feel?"
Harry and Ron were predictably baffled, but Hermione caught on. "Get lost,
Malfoy!"
But Malfoy only sat directly in front of her, so she could hear him and Crabbe
laughing amongst themselves, moments later when Malfoy recounted the story to
him.
"Hermione's not like that," defended Ron, overhearing what Malfoy was saying.
"She's not a bloody Slytherin, and she doesn't even like Snape. Who the bloody
hell would?" He was only half right.
"You keep telling yourself that, Weasley." retorted Draco. "Pretty soon, it'll
be obvious to everyone what's really going on!" But he spat the last sentence.
It was clear he had a problem with this. "And mind your own business!" he
teased.
"Just forget him, Hermione," muttered Harry from behind her. "Yeah," added Ron.
But she couldn't. Not now.
"What's your problem?" she hissed to Malfoy later in a brief moment when Harry
and Ron were gone from earshot. "You're jealous, aren't you? I'm not getting
close to Snape, for your information, but I can tell you wish you were,"
Hermione accused.
"Jealous? You're so pathetic! You wish, you filthy mudblood!" he snarled.
"Don't call Hermione a mudblood!" cried Ron as he and Harry returned.
Malfoy whipped his head towards them. "And I suppose you're gonna stop me?"
"I will," said Harry, whipping out his wand and pointing it at Malfoy. Malfoy
stared for a moment at his enemy, before --
"Potter!" cried Snape. Harry turned around. "Threatening classmates?"
"No, sir --"
"Ten points from Gryffindor. Now return to your seat at once." Draco had a huge
smirk on his face as Harry went to sit down. At least that was one consolation
for his grief. And class resumed.
It was all really hard for her to deal with, and Harry wasn't really much help,
eventually joining Ron's side, but even beforehand going between the two of
them. Draco was a clear dead-end himself, because even with the secrets he
shared with her, they just weren't the same. They weren't similar at all; they
were opposite. His kind were made to bring down hers, and he was doing so quite
determinedly, the extent of their current relationship.
Thank goodness for Hagrid.
It wasn't before the day was out that Malfoy caught up wih Snape, though. "Do
you really prefer her over me?"
"Jealous, Mr Malfoy?"
Draco winced. That was the second time today he'd been called jealous, and he
hated it. "Perhaps you might consider that you simply have an overactive
imagination? That you're being parnoid?"
"I'm not imagining anything! You're just covering up for yourself!" cried
Malfoy bitterly. "Besides, you're holding something back, aren't you?"
"No, Mr Malfoy," he made his voice quite clear, "I am not. Don't be so damn
dellusional!"
"Sure you won't mind...?" said Malfoy.
"So you are jealous." said Snape. "How the proud fall."
They stood for a moment, watching each others eyes, Malfoy glaring and Snape
sneering, and Snape walked off. "I suggest you head back to your common room,
Mr Malfoy," said Snape, Still distancing himself between them before Malfoy
could protest. "It'll be dark soon."
 
Snape and Lupin, however, were still more often around each other than any
other teachers might have been with each other, but this was hardly a
flattering relationship, which was plain enough in the Staff Room, besides the
fact that they had an excuse; the Wolfsbane Potion.
But they both realised privately what this skewered yet constant relationship
really was, though each with a different personal spin on it. To Lupin, it was
the awkward, cruel aftermath of a failed romance come to haunt him. To Snape,
it was the failings of a love-sick teen trapping him in the other's
desperation.
Of course, Lupin had begun on this road and it drove him through all his
dealings with Snape, but all it got him was a dead end.
"You claimed at the start of the year that you weren't the man I am," Lupin
said, "Was that really true, or were you simply pontificating? Because I don't
believe it. You have handled me quite well, I'll admit, but it does seem
apparent that you constantly hold back from me. I am not trying to imply that
you are cowardly, but it does make me wonder why it was that you originally
came to me. And why you would lie."
As Lupin said all this, Snape simply glared up at him from his desk for most of
it. "No doubt you have some sort of twisted fantasy regarding this that I'm
really keeping some...attraction to you?"
"I don't expect it."
"As you keep making clear."
There was a pause. "So?" asked Lupin.
"You are a hypocrite. You have spent all these meetings speaking of me, but
have said nothing of your own faults. That fact alone tells me that you care
more to fool me again than you do for any reconciliation. Which is
unfortunately very in character for you."
"Unfortunately? Then you do wish to cease this as surely as I do?"
"I will also hold my grudges, something you tend to forget. But I will never
have peace while you're around. So yes, unfortunately."
"I never forget..." muttered Lupin, as Snape held out Lupin's goblet. "Your
potion."
Lupin didn't take it just yet. "You want me to leave."
"Yes. How perceptive of you."
"Just like you always have. Because you don't want to face your feelings for m-
-"
Snape slammed down the goblet. "And just what is it that you would like me to
face?"
"I want you to accept that you once had feelings for me. And that they haven't
yet all faded from you," said Lupin.
"I knew it. You still think I'm like that. You dream that I was the person that
still wanted you."
"I know all this because even when you turned me away, you still proceeded to
be obsessed with me for the next two years."
"I wanted revenge."
"That's your excuse," said Lupin. "I saw the hunger in your eyes. Generally,
you don't follow around people that you hate. I think you still wanted me, even
if you didn't want to admit it."
"And yet you no longer expect it? What are you afraid of, Lupin?" Snape
retorted.
"The same thing that you are; rejection. After all these years --"
"I am not afraid of rejection, Lupin! What we did all those years ago was
disgusting, and not because I'd let myself get carried away by...whatever you
want to call it. It is disgusting because I always hated you, and we went too
far."
"And why did we go too far? Just because you've stopped acting on it, doesn't
mean you've stopped feeling what you felt. You're just better at hiding it."
"Something you must be well-acquainted with yourself. Right, Lupin?" said Snape
tensely, icicles practically hanging from his speech.
"Severus..." said Lupin, then sighed and took the goblet. "You never answered
my question. Why did you come? Why did you lie?"
"I didn't. I simply realised that there need not be anything personal between
us while we remain co-workers."
"Then you're lying to yourself. Our past is too tumultuous to ignore. Our
personal lives will always crash against our professional ones."
"So you say," said Snape, and he left.
[End Chapter]
***** Bullies and Misfits *****
Chapter Summary
     Hermione has always been a misfit, but when it comes to Draco, she's
     about to find out what it's like to be a bully. Slytherins vs.
     Gryffindors as Lupin and Hermione struggle against Snape and Draco.
Things had changed since Snape and Lupin had attended Hogwarts. Gryffindor and
Slytherin would always be enemies, perhaps, but who the protagonists and
antagonists were was always bound to reverse; Snape would always see the
Gryffindors as the bullies, but things weren't always so simple. He was the
bully now, changed by his experiences, and Lupin was now the misfit that Snape
had once been.
Hermione Granger placed a large amount of blame on the Slytherins, like her
friends, just not to the same extreme, and she had only ever been a misfit. She
surely could never foresee herself as a bully, the sum of all the things she
hated in another human being. She also wouldn't likely consider at her age how
that might happen, either.
Yet, at the same time, she could hardly see Slytherin as truly bad, which she
had proved clearly by now. But this didn't erase the fact that she still didn't
understand them.
Draco, on the other hand, had the same prejudice against Gryffindor; except for
the fact that his was to that extreme. Draco Malfoy was not so open-minded as
Hermione Granger, and being as much of a bully as Snape had become to
Gryffindor, this wasn’t at all surprising.
Both children represented different people in Snape's mind. To him, Draco
represented Lucius, who had accepted him, but who had also brought him into the
Death Eaters. And while he didn't always feel this was a good thing, he still
felt himself drawn to him, in some form, nevertheless.
Though he had taught Draco for three years now, the years had slowly brought
them together. That was why Draco was so jealous now. All this time, he had
wished for that feeling returned, yet it still wasn't in the way he wanted. And
then came Granger, who was more on Lupin's side, but to which degree he didn't
know. And Draco didn't even know about Lupin.
But Hermione was a bit more complicated than Draco Malfoy. To him, Hermione
represented Lily Evans, whom he had loved, and whom he had chased away. But she
was more than that; she was a representation of all the bias placed against
him, by both Marauders, and Dumbledore, whom constantly preached of what he did
not understand in that regard, and one who was annoyingly ignorant over
anything that Snape cared about.
Lupin, of course, as much as any of the Marauders, though who now stuck out
most prominently, was no doubt in this circle of ignorance, too, and that was
part of the reason why he hated them. Why he could not forgive...
"Severus."
Snape had frozen in the doorway a moment before, yet his presence had still
startled Lupin, instinctively lifting his head at the arrival. Snape hadn't
bothered to knock this time. He was really not in the mood; he was over the
pleasantries. Draco and Hermione turned around in their desks. It was just the
four of them. The classes had ended for the day, and evening was approaching.
Snape was holding a smoking goblet.
"What's this, Lupin?" Snape couldn't help asking this time, as he strode past
desks to the front of the room.
"Detention." said Lupin, eyes on the goblet. "Draco was threatening Hermione,
who is here for hexing him as he turned away."
He was soon standing right in front of Lupin, the two separated by the desk.
Snape followed Lupin's eyes to the goblet. "Perhaps I should take over?"
Draco looked up hopefully and expectantly. Hermione also watched, but unlike
Draco, half in awareness of these events, for she realised that Lupin was a
werewolf, but not of his true relationship with Snape.
Lupin continued to look at the goblet. "Is it really time?"
"Yes," said Snape impatiently.
Lupin looked out at Draco and Hermione disappointedly. Quickly, they put their
heads back down to continue with their lines.
"Ok," said Lupin. Snape proffered the goblet. Lupin took it, keeping his eyes
intently on Snape's. Snape's eyes were also looking very intently on Lupin's,
but were hard and cold, with the intent to send a warning to Lupin not to do
anything stupid; the two students who he'd least like to know -- excluding
Potter, of course, but he supposed Granger would tell him all about it -- were
in the room and he didn't want to take any chances.
Lupin held the goblet in his hand for a moment, still looking up at Snape,
before taking a bitter sip. "Sorry, Severus," said Lupin, seeming to forget
himself for a moment. Snape still fixed him with a hard stare. "Perhaps its
time you left, then, Lupin."
"Yes, maybe it is." He stood up. "I'll come back when --"
"Don't come back," said Snape. "I'll take care of it. You just go."
"Thank you for taking care of me, Severus," said Lupin, with a mischievous
sparkle in his eyes. "I'll be sure to show you my appreciation later
tonight..."
"What the hell was that?" demanded Draco. "You're hiding something, aren't you?
What is that he just gave you?"
Lupin smiled slightly, and before Snape could retort, said, "I am not hiding
anything, Draco. Severus here was just bringing me --"
"You're lying, your just trying to cover it all up! He wasn't just doing
anything! Why does he look so miserable to be here if you weren't forcing his
hand?"
Lupin's face froze, and his smile vanished.
"I don't believe that's any of your business --" retorted Snape.
"And why not?" Draco cried.
Snape's eyes filled with contempt as he stared Draco down. "Why should you have
to know anything more than any other student I teach? You may be a Slytherin,
but that does not gain you access to all the corners of my life."
"What did you do?" cried Draco to Lupin, his eyes singling him out.
"Don't you dare say anything, Lupin!" warned Snape angrily.
"And why not?" Draco spat angrily at Snape now.
"You think you can bend me to your whim, like you do your father, do you?"
Snape cried, his temper rising now.
"You've changed, Severus," said Lupin interestedly. "Your relationship with
Lucius has diminished?"
"Butt out of this, Lupin! It's none of your concern!" snapped Snape.
"Stop bullying everyone around, both of you! You need to stop this right now!"
cried Hermione. They all looked at her.
"I don't need to do anything, Granger!" boasted Malfoy. "I won't let you boss
me around like your stupid friends!"
"We're not trying to --" began Lupin.
"Just stop it!" cried Hermione. "Arguing isn't going to solve anything."
"Hermione is speaking with great wisdom here," agreed Lupin, addressing the
other two after a moment. "Wisdom well beyond her years."
"Can it, Lupin," cried Malfoy, "no one cares about your opinion!"
"I care!" cried Hermione.
"Oh, you would. You just love him, don't you, Granger? You love his shabby
clothes, and his scar-riddled body is just to die for!"
Hermione flinched. "You're a hypocrite. What about you and Snape?"
"Like I can dictate my own feelings --"
"But you can dictate mine?" Snape accused, finally cutting across the two
students fiercely, his steely gaze intent on ripping up Malfoy where he stood.
"Severus, stop."
"Why, Lupin? You agree with him, do you?" said Snape.
"How dare you --" cried Hermione, but Lupin put his hand up, silencing her
"Hermione, stop," said Lupin, briefly looking to Hermione. He was wearing that
soft, distant, dreamy look he got sometimes. "Wasn’t it you who said we
shouldn’t fight?" Hermione settled into her seat.
Lupin continued. "I can't blame you," he looked at Draco now. "After all, I
love him, too. But you shouldn’t be so hasty."
"Trying to get into his good books, are you, Lupin? You're just trying to look
good!"
Snape glared at both of them. "You think you can possess me, either of you?" he
demanded, apparently insulted by this exchange. "Haven't I made it clear to
you? I belong to no one!"
"Its not healthy closing yourself off like that," said Lupin, staring sadly at
Snape.
Snape turned around to him. "You and I both know I'm anything but healthy!"
cried Snape with scornful intent.
"That isn't fair," said Lupin, looking down at the potion blankly. "You should
listen to yourself. You deny yourself of anything that might make you human.
But you are human, Severus! Why can’t you see that?"
"It isn't your business!" cried Snape.
Lupin looked back up. "You always say that. What are you hiding from? You're
just treating yourself they way others treat you, like rubbish! And then, when
someone good comes along, you push them away! I don’t understand you, Severus."
"’Never good enough’…? And what’s that supposed to mean, Lupin?"
Lupin looked up in surprise. "You know what I mean," said Lupin sadly, "Sirius…
You were always right about the two of us, but...well, you know what
happened..."
"People like Black are the scum of the earth. You should have known from the
beginning."
Lupin looked back up, hope rekindled in his eyes. "Are you saying...that
you're...?" he asked.
And with this, Snape was even more enraged. He had not meant to rekindle
Lupin's hope at all! But it was proving near impossible to discourage that man.
"We've both lost ourselves in love, didn't we?" Lupin asked Snape. "It doesn't
have to be this way --"
But Draco desperately ran to occupy the space between them. "Don't you dare say
another word!" he barked at Lupin. "You twist every word he says! Just get over
it; he doesn't like you!"
"I can't see how you're any different, Draco."
"What would you know?"
"You're not even trying to understand!" Snape accused. "You just go along with
what you want to believe and listen to nothing else! And if I'm so infuriating,
why bother putting up with me? If you hate me --"
"That's not what I said," cried Lupin desperately. He looked hopelessly into
Snape's angry eyes and sighed. "...That's not what I meant." And they stared at
each other for a long time.
Lupin raised the goblet.
"Drink it."
Lupin kept holding it. His now troubled eyes were boring into Snape's hard
ones.
"Drink it or I will force it down your throat!" cried Snape, leaning forward
over the desk menacingly. He was tired of Lupin's constant reluctance.
Lupin looked back at Snape with shining eyes and began to sip. Snape glared;
"That threat still stands if you're just going to nurse it, Lupin," he said.
"Severus..." whispered Lupin, hurt, but stopped himself. "This has gone on long
enough, hasn't it? You don't really love me, do you?"
"No."
When someone finally did speak again, it was Lupin. "Well... I don't blame
you..." said Lupin, "I still think you're beautiful..." then added bitterly,
looking down, "But I guess I'm never good enough for anyone else..."
Lupin looked truly sad. Hermione sympathised with him but Draco just scoffed at
him. "One down," he muttered.
"Love really can bring out the best and worst of people," said Lupin solemnly.
"Shut up!" cried Draco.
"Mr. Malfoy, I appreciate your defense, but I still cannot level to your point
of view. I've had enough of this."
Lupin looked down at his goblet, then to Hermione, who had silently watched all
of this. "Maybe you and Mr. Malfoy should return to your houses," suggested
Lupin.
"I'm not leaving you two alone!" cried Malfoy stubbornly. Hermione couldn't
blame him.
"Then perhaps you should go, too, Severus," said Lupin hesitantly.
Snape easily agreed to this and headed towards the door. But before the other
two could follow him, he stopped suddenly and turned around, his eyes on Lupin.
"Perhaps it would be ideal to make them keep their silence about this little
incident?"
"Now, I’m sure there’ll be no need for that, Severus. I’m sure they won’t tell
anyone," replied Lupin and turned to them. "Isn’t that right?"
"Yes," said Hermione at once, but Draco just glared at Lupin. "Why should I do
anything for you?" he spat at Lupin.
"Mr. Malfoy," said Snape acidly, "I personally don’t care who you do it for!
Just do it!"
Malfoy looked obediently at Snape and nodded. He had to keep up the facade, the
silent agreement he shared with Snape. It had been in place for this long, but
if things went far enough, he might reconsider...
Snape continued to leave the room, and Malfoy quickly followed him. Draco
wanted to keep an eye on Snape, but he only looked back once before Draco
followed him out. Then they each went their respective ways.
 
 
There was plenty of tension between each of them over the rest of the week.
This is what led to Hermione's second unwarranted attack on Malfoy in recent
weeks, just outside of Hagrid's hut, an attack which later had caused her to
worry about her actions.
But at that moment, she enjoyed it, especially with the encouragement from her
friends. As she recalled his retreat later on, however, she wondered if she was
becoming the bully. She hoped not.
Snape and Lupin also had their moments. They argued constantly now. But the
biggest one of consequence following that detention was shortly after Ron
Weasley, followed by his friends, had been brought into the Shrieking Shack.
That week also happened to be the one prior to that time of the month for
Lupin, so he and Snape were meeting more regularly now, which made that week
quite eventful for both of them, and which lead to the next biggest argument of
consequence.
"Come in," called Lupin that afternoon after Snape knocked. He strode in the
classroom determinedly with his face hard. He wasn't in the mood to linger
here, he was just trying to get this over with.
It wasn't hard to understand why Severus was acting this way, what with
everything else going on. But that didn’t make it any easier for Lupin to
handle. He didn’t want to leave Hogwarts at the end of term with everything
torn asunder like this.
"Hello, Severus," Lupin said, trying to keep his tone light.
Snape glared at Lupin for a moment before setting down the goblet. "I am in no
mood to talk right now. Drink."
Lupin picked it up curiously and swirled the potion around in his goblet. They
were silent for a few moments.
"We both were always the quiet achievers in school, do you remember?"
"That's irrelevant, Lupin."
Lupin didn't say anything more.
"I'll be glad to see the back of you," said Snape harshly. Snape glared at
Lupin's polite face. Despite Lupin's intentions, Snape always found it
condescending.
He began to wonder, then, if he might have tampered with the potion, being as
angry as this. Harry had suggested just that earlier in the year, but of course
it had been ridiculous back then. He tried to repress the urge to ask, but he
just had to know. "Is it safe?"
This seemed to catch Snape by surprise, but he immediately recovered. "Of
course. You think I would sink to your level?"
"'My level'?" replied Lupin. "Severus, I never --"
"You remember your friends, right? How you were too cowardly to defend me
openly? How you would have killed me unabashedly if Potter hadn't pulled me
back --?"
"Severus, I wouldn't!"
"Yes – you -- would!" Snape cried, pronouncing each word separately, as if to
spell it out for him.
"Severus...I know you think I was down at their level -- Sirius’s level -
- maybe simply because I was one of them...but I wasn't...I was wrong about
Sirius, I know that now...and Severus, it was only Sirius, I swear…"
He looked down into his goblet, trying to avoid Snape's eyes. Gathering his
scattered bravery, he brought it to his lips and started to drink. He struggled
against the taste, but he kept going until a surmountable amount was gone.
"Severus..." he said looking up guiltily into his angry, black eyes. "I'm
sorry. You have had to endure me this entire year. I wish I had understood you
more, so I might have acted differently. I do appreciate you brewing the
Wolfsbane Potion for me, and how you were never swayed by my behaviour that you
might tamper with it. I guess I never understood that, either, how strong your
will was."
"Don't look at me like that, Lupin, don't think you'll soften me up." Snape did
appreciate this, but he didn't want Lupin to know that. He didn't want to be
taken advantage of again, like in the Shack, and he didn't think he could
believe a thing Lupin said since then. At least, disbelieving would be the
safer thing to do. He didn't want to be some fool who wears his heart on his
sleeve like Lupin or he'd be just that, a fool.
"I don’t…" muttered Lupin guiltily, looking down.
But Lupin stood up so that he was eye to eye with Snape, staring in Snape's
dark eyes for a moment before finishing the potion, gulping deeply, trying to
ignore the taste, setting down the goblet and moving around the desk to face
Snape for once, leaning back on it with his hands as he did so.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Severus. What do you want from me? What
more is there that would settle things between us? I don't want to fight with
you for the rest of my life. Please..."
"What makes you think you can fix this? I can't trust you. We've been down this
road before; I have no intention of listening to your shallow words. I learned
of your true nature the hard way, and there is no erasing that."
"You thought I was different. You were right...it just wasn't the same way you
envisioned. But we understood each other, didn't we? For a while?"
"Too bad you were the unfaithful type," said Snape bitterly.
"We hurt those we love most, as they say. I regret it," said Lupin resignedly,
but before he could go on, Snape had furiously bounded forwards and pulled
Lupin to him, eyes raging like a bushfire, their position reminiscent of the
first night in Lupin's office.
"And why is that?" he demanded.
"Why do I regret it?" Lupin asked innocently.
"Why do we 'hurt those we love most'? You don't even care, do you?"
"Of course I do," said Lupin.
"Liar," snarled Snape, pulling Lupin closer menacingly. "You'd just go along
with anything. You don't care how you get there, just so long as you're able to
get your way! You don't care about me or my opinions of you. You just want to
soften me up. You won't; I won't let you."
"Really?" asked Lupin. "It hurts you think I'm so shallow. Haven't I said all
along that I'm not?"
"There is not a thing you say that I could believe."
"I never lied --"
"You said I was the only one!" Snape growled through gritted teeth.
"I was afraid. You don't... You don't know how confused I was. Is that such a
crime?" He gripped Snape's collar, pulling himself frighteningly close, and
before Snape could stop him, Lupin was suddenly leaning forward, his lips
planted on Snape's, his kiss hesitant but desperate, eagerly kissing deeper
into Snape's lips.
They remained like that for only a second before the shock of it faded and
Snape pushed him roughly back. Snape felt an overwhelming sense of violation,
angry at Lupin and hand pressed to his mouth. He glared especially cruelly at
Lupin. It bitterly reminded Snape of old times. He distinctly saw himself and
Lupin entangled together in the Shrieking Shack...
Lupin had now come to his senses too, and was horrified with himself.
Everything was coming closer to the end of things and he was sure, as he had
been all year, that a year was all he had here. And now he was stuck between
doing the things he'd been longing to do all year and fixing things as best he
could with Snape. He couldn't believe he'd done it.
Snape looked furiously back into Lupin's eyes, madder than he had been all
year. Lupin was intimidated by the intensity of that glare. He shouldn't have
done it, he knew he shouldn't have done it…but he had. Oh, what had he done? He
had
He knew that look. It was the same one Snape had given him so long ago, after
the Shrieking Shack incident of '74. That same look of fresh fury and scandal
on his face that had intimidated him so much back then. Except now, he could
appreciate why Snape wore it. And Lupin was genuinely frightened.
Snape lowered his hand from his mouth and glowered at Lupin for just a moment
before stalking right out of there, leaving Lupin standing there in chaos he
left behind. And he was bloody worried now, dreading the next time they'd meet,
dreading whatever came next.
 
 
On the night of the full moon, Lupin had been examining the map in his office
as he now often did at night. But tonight he spotted something different, and
followed Sirius Black to the place on the Marauder's Map to where it said he
was. But it wasn't very long after he'd left that Snape visited his office
carrying Lupin's potion. And it seemed Lupin had forgotten to blank out the
Map.
Snape found on the Marauder's Map Lupin entering the passage both men knew only
too well. He could hardly contain his own fury by all he had seen already. He
had even forgotten Lupin's potion in the hurry. He slammed it down and was as
good as gone.
But his fury could hardly stop him from finding something extra at the base of
the tree. An Invisibility Cloak -- Potter's, no doubt. He prodded the knot that
froze the tree and wrapped the Cloak around himself as he headed down the
passage.
Snape couldn't help but think of what had happened the last time he had headed
down this way, or for that matter, the time before. He hoped what awaited him
this time he chased Lupin along here would be something more constructive than
a werewolf. He hope what awaited him this time was something less confronting
than the sex act he'd participated in with a boy he thought he could trust at
the age of 13.
Still, he was better prepared for whatever it was with this Cloak on. And he
could sneak up on Lupin and whomever else he was coming to meet.
When Snape emerged at the end of the tunnel in the Shrieking Shack, however,
and followed the voices up the stairs, he found a scene which he felt glad now
to have pursued.
As Snape opened the door and stood back, the inhabitants of the room were soon
unknowingly staring at him. Potter, Granger and Weasley were there as well.
Lupin looked curiously at and around him and Snape waited for him to carry on.
"No one there..." Lupin said, but continued to stare.
"This place is haunted!" whined Weasley.
"It's not," said Lupin, still looking out at him. "The screams and howls the
villagers used to hear were made by me." Snape knew all this already and was
impatient for an opening past Lupin.
Finally abandoning looking out at the landing, Lupin turned away and Snape
snuck inside, past Lupin, to the wall behind him. But he became aware, as he
furthered into the room, of another occupant present there. Sirius Black.
By this point, Lupin had already continued speaking, so he spared Black an evil
glance before fixating on Lupin; he'd have his chance against Black later. But
first, he wanted to see what this was all about.
Lupin was telling the other three a little story. The beginning was nothing he
didn't know already, but still he listened; eventually he knew it would lead to
new information, the truth of what was happening here. But first he had to see
where he was going with it...
He glowered at the names Lupin mentioned when he got to the Marauders; he hated
them all. But then he learned something new, missing knowledge that wasn't
exactly what he had been looking for, but important nonetheless; Lupin's
friends had been Animagi! And they'd done it illegally! That was interesting...
And then Lupin admitted that Snape was right about him all along. He couldn't
help but smirk, although there was still much triumph he would suppress for
now, at least until he was alone...
Then discussion lead Lupin to another topic, that of the trick that they had
played on him at Hogwarts. But Lupin recounted it differently; he still placed
the blame squarely on the already guilty Black. Denial, it seemed, was always
something Lupin embraced, even now. As if they hadn't all been in on it. They
all hated him -- even Lupin didn’t deny back then that he didn’t care enough to
stop them -- and they always would.
"So that's why Snape doesn't like you," said Potter slowly, giving Snape an
irresistible cue and he raised his wand against Lupin.
"That's right," he said, and he took off the Invisibility Cloak and revealed
himself at long last. Snape paid no attention to the reactions he'd elicited in
the other occupants of the room, but got straight to the point.
"I found this at the base of the Whomping Willow." said Snape, throwing the
Cloak aside and keeping his wand on Lupin. "Very useful, Potter, I thank you...
"You're wondering, perhaps, how I knew you were here?" he said to Lupin only
now, focusing intently on him. "I have just been to your office, Lupin. You
forgot to take your Potion tonight, so I brought a gobletful along. And very
lucky I did...lucky for me, I mean. Lying on your desk was a certain map. One
glance at it told me all I needed to know. I saw you running along this
passageway and out of sight."
Lupin tried to reason with him. This was his fault; he'd led Snape here, and he
was clearly riddled with panic. But Snape had heard all he wanted to know. He
wouldn't listen now. He refused to.
"You fool," said Lupin softly. "Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent
man back inside Azkaban?"
But it was much more than that. Lupin was overlooking certain fine details.
Like that Black had once tried to kill him. Or that he had betrayed Lily to
Voldemort. That he would not forgive, especially since it was already his fault
the Dark Lord had been hunting her and her family.
Snape shot rope from his wand to bind Lupin. His words only proved he didn’t
understand, and that made Snape furious – furious enough that almost all else
seemed irrelevant but this right now. He could not think of any time he'd been
angrier than right now. Black came after Snape full of rage then, but Snape
pointed his wand right at him.
"Give me a reason," he whispered. "Give me a reason to do it, and I swear I
will!"
Black stopped dead, glaring. He glared straight back. He had finally cornered
him! His rage towering, he was determined to seize his chance. He hated this
man with every
"Come on, all of you." he said, clicking his fingers to send the ropes into his
hands. "I'll drag the werewolf. Perhaps the Dementors will have a kiss for him
too --" He said, too mad to think straight.
But Potter was suddenly blocking the doorway. Snape argued with Potter to get
out of the way, and it got up to a point when threatening and yelling were all
they would do, and then it happened quite suddenly.
"Expelliarmus!" three voices yelled, and the last thing he remembered was
slamming into the wall.
 
 
"Professor?" asked Hermione the following morning, watching Lupin in his
hospital bed. Harry and Ron weren't awake yet, but she had been lying awake
since six, so she had gotten up restlessly to wander around, when she found
him. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, Hermione, I'm fine," said Lupin softly. She had the feeling he couldn't
manage a much stronger voice than the one he was using now.
"Are you sure? You just transformed into a werewolf and back last night, and
you need your rest. Isn't it a bit early for you to be awake?" she said, as she
had found him unable to sleep.
"I'm sure it is," said Lupin. "But you just had a busy night yourself. Thank
you for saving Sirius, by the way."
Hermione allowed herself a smile at him. "You're welcome." she replied.
"I think I might also take this opportunity to
"It's not your fault." Hermione said. "But you look so tired. You should
sleep."
"I will," reassured Lupin. He could tell Hermione was concerned but he didn't
elaborate.
"Sure?"
"Sure."
Hermione took one last look at him and forced a smile. She left.
 
 
Lupin did sleep for a few hours, but when he awoke, he realised he was missing
breakfast. He was back to fair health by now, and checked with Madam Pomfrey
before leaving for the Great Hall. He didn't see much of Severus, but he got a
lot of odd looks; they knew. Severus had told them what he was.
"Lupin," Snape said coldly, finally catching up with him in the Entrance Hall
as Lupin was leaving.
"Hello, Severus," Lupin said pleasantly, pushing down resentment. "I hear you
were the one that found me? I hope I wasn't too indecent for you."
But Snape was glaring at him. "What happened?" Snape demanded.
"What do you mean, Severus?"
"I know you must know what Potter did. I want you to tell me."
"I can’t tell you that, Severus," replied Lupin simply.
"Don't lie, Lupin. I know you must be in on what happened! I know it was
Potter! What - did - he - do?"
"If you truly wanted to know, perhaps you should not have revealed my secret,"
Lupin said. He knew he couldn’t tell Snape the truth.
"You knew this was coming, Lupin. I don't regret it. Potter was immature. He's
as ignorant as his father," retorted Snape.
"I don't think so, Severus. Harry was like Lily last night, the mercy he
showed. If you'd just listen --"
"Potter is nothing like Lily. He's just like his father."
"It's easier to see him like that. You want to hate him." Lupin said.
"You sound just like Dumbledore."
"Well, maybe he's right." Lupin offered. "Ever think of that?" Snape didn't
answer.
"I think you intentionally treat me and Harry the same. You hate us on
principle alone, yet that hate is as strong as any rightful hate you may
possess," said Lupin after a long silence.
"I hate you as rightfully as anyone as ever hated their own peers. You'll be
gone soon anyway," said Snape coldly.
"Severus." Lupin looked weakly at Snape. He paused. "You're right. You were
right all along, I see that now. But its not as bad as it looks. Sirius is
innocent --"
"And that makes it okay, does it? To forgive him... Even if you weren't in on
the joke, your continued relationship with Black, even after he betrayed you,
betrayed me."
Lupin smiled. "You love me. And you were jealous, weren't you?"
"What happened back then was degradation, never mind entering Black into it..."
"I know," said Lupin, becoming serious again. "I don't regret it, but Sirius
put up a good argument to leave. It was wrong, never mind the road it led to,
that supposed joke, but at least I know now that he wasn't guilty of the one
thing he was charged with."
"So you say. But that doesn't absolve him of his other sins. Attempted murder.
And he used you."
"Is that sympathy?"
"I told you that you can't demand my sympathy anymore."
"And yet I am. It means that it never mattered whether I betrayed you or not.
It was just a clever, well-placed lie to keep me away."
"An interesting theory. But let me assure you that I don't need such a lie when
I have plenty of reasons to hate you. And no, they don't all surmount to that
night."
"And what do they surmount to, then?"
"The secrets kept and lies told, the way you pretended to be just like me, the
passivity over the way your friends bullied me, the way you…" he gritted his
teeth, "seduced me in the Shack…"
"Those things all amount to your own rejection," said Lupin. "Face it, you love
me."
"You could've killed me."
"I could've. And that must be the hardest thing. Loving me while not trusting
that I wouldn't kill you if there was the potential, because I almost did
once."
"It has nothing to do with trust. You would."
"I've been wondering about this for a while, but why was it that you thought I
was in on it? It's been playing on my mind all year, and I think I have a
theory. You wanted to be able to hate me, and for that matter James, after it
had all happened, so you somehow managed to convince yourself of it.
"At first I assumed it was just the pain of that memory, of what happened in
the Shack between us. But now I'm not so sure. Now I think that, all along, you
were jealous of me, of James, and that's a whole other can of worms. James I
can understand, but me? That you love me is the only explanation, which is why
I've been pressing it so long. That is why I have been pursuing you this whole
year. I needed to find the truth."
"It is not the only explanation! There are plenty of other, less eccentric
answers that are plausible. You're just seeing what you want to see," said
Snape. "And all this because you wanted to know why I thought you had gone
along with Black? Is that really the only reason?
"Besides, you are the one who still sided with him last night, despite spending
all year trying to get into my good books."
"I was wrong," said Lupin, "and I'm not just saying that because you're here. I
almost killed Pettigrew last night, and that was never my intention. I can make
all the vows I want, but when it comes to Sirius, I'm helpless. I still crave
his approval, just like I did yours, or James'. And I'm truly sorry."
"But Potter stopped you?"
"I won't say what happened, if that's what you want."
"Potter is a fool!"
"Does that mean Lily was a fool?"
Snape glared at him as fiercely as he ever had. He had gone too far. Yet Snape
said nothing.
"I don't blame you for pushing people away, if I were truly honest," Lupin
continued. "Bullies and misfits aren't supposed to be together."
Snape shot him a warning look. "Surely you realise why I did it?"
"Is there another reason?"
"Why continue to pursue me? Don't argue, you still are. You have your precious
Black there for you, even if he is a wanted criminal..."
"It's true, I do feel better about Sirius now. But I don't care about him like
I care about you."
"It's better if you don't. I'll be glad to see the back of you," said Snape
harshly. Snape glared at Lupin's polite face. Despite Lupin's intentions, Snape
always found it condescending.
And Lupin watched Snape go, sadly. This would be last time for a long while, he
was sure, that he'd see him again. It was not the first time he'd have to
leave. But soon, he'd be just like he was before he had taken the post, which
had been the oasis in the desert. Yet how could he ever fall into the old
habits after such an experience?
His was a lonely life. He'd survive. He had to.
[End Chapter]
***** Descension and Detention *****
Chapter Summary
     It's a new year at Hogwarts, and Hermione is horrified to learn of
     the Triwizard Tournament -- but at least everything that happened
     last year between her, Malfoy, Snape and Lupin is behind her. Until
     she goes looking...
No sign of Moody. Yet again, Snape had missed out on teaching Defense Against
the Dark Arts, and over whom? Some paranoid ex-Auror who couldn't differentiate
between a murderer and a newt. And now the damned teacher-to-be couldn't even
bother to show up; Snape wouldn't even call him a teacher until it was proven
that he was going to stick around.
Not that he was in any sort of hurry for Moody to get there. Snape would've
liked nothing more than to have nothing to do with him. But he had to deal with
him now. It wasn't even due to the fact that Snape himself used to be a Death
Eater and Moody an Auror. No, that he could deal with. But why were the only
people who would take the job anymore, people Snape knew? Another impending
struggle between enemies...
Hermione, too, had noticed the absence of Defense Against the Dark Arts
teacher. She wondered about this out loud to Harry and Ron. When neither
replied, she then pressed on anxiously, still to no reply. She couldn’t be the
only one wondering this, but she tried not to worry as she waited for the
Sorting, and the Feast, to begin.
After the Sorting ceremony had finished (which had begun shortly afterwards
amongst Ron's complaining), the Feast began.
Hermione herself had hardly eaten much yet either, however, until she stopped
and simply refused to eat.
They had been talking to Nearly Headless Nick when he had touched upon the
subject of house elves and Hermione had learned how they were really treated.
She had pushed her food away, but still Ron had tried to encourage her to eat.
Just because food was so important to him, she had thought, didn't mean it had
to be to her.
And after skipping both dinner and desert, the Feast ended and Dumbledore began
his announcements. The first two announcements were the same old things; it was
the third that surprised Hermione, amongst others. There was no Quidditch
competition that year, much to many people’s outrage, to be replaced with a
thing that Dumbledore didn’t get the opportunity to mention before a stranger
burst into the Great Hall.
There was a great roar of thunder as the menacing figure appeared in the
doorway. He was limping up the Hall, leaning on a staff, and shrouded in a
travelling cloak. His hair was long, grizzled and dark grey, but it were his
eyes that really caught her attention. One was small and beady, the other large
and electric-blue, whizzing in every direction.
He finally reached the top table, and moved behind it towards Dumbledore when
lightning struck, showing Hermione his face at last. It was so completely scar-
ridden that his face looked merely like a cheap imitation of a human face.
She gasped; over the whole rather intimidating entrance, it was his appearance
that really frightened her. Then he shook hands with Dumbledore with a hand
that looked just as bad as his face, making her wonder if his whole body was
this way, and Dumbledore muttered something they couldn't hear, the man shaking
his head. Then he sat down and dug into a plate of sausages.
At the sight of the food, she remembered the house elves and looked away from
the man to look back at Dumbledore, who then spoke to the Hall at large.
"May I introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," said
Dumbledore brightly, surprisingly so, given what had just happened and just
what this man looked like. "Professor Moody."
She looked back at Moody. He was indeed sitting in the Defense Against the Dark
Arts teacher's seat.
Few seemed unable to do more than stare, and there was no applause. Harry, Ron
and Hermione discussed this briefly, but soon, Dumbledore was back to the
announcements.
"As I was saying," he said, "we are to have the honour of hosting a very
exciting event, an event which hasn't been held for over a century. It is my
very great pleasure to inform you that the Triwizard Tournament will being
taking place at Hogwarts this year."
Hermione had read about this, but it hadn’t been an active tournament in many
years. But even as she thought about this, there was a wave of shock that
seemed to overwhelm her senses, a riot of noise that rushed her ears. She was
unsurprised to hear the twins shouting over even this uproar.
When Dumbledore returned to his announcement, he gave a bit of background
information on the tournament. But Hermione's attention was caught by the last
part of this announcement.
"Death toll?" she whispered, looking alarmed. She hadn't read about this. But
considering that when she had read about it, it had only been a brief mention,
now she wished it had said more, and felt compelled to go look it up in the
library.
But no one else seemed to share her fear as they all began whispering
excitedly, which she found simply appalling. Everyone was already talking about
entering when Dumbledore announced the age limit of seventeen, which relaxed
Hermione, but seemed to anger everyone else. They were just being immature, she
conceded.
After telling them a few other details and encouraging their support, it was
time to go to bed.
 
Hermione didn't pay attention to the tournament as much as other things.
Predictably, one of those things were her studies, which were always important
to her. Of course, there was always that other issue, the one that had been
buried in her mind since the previous year and now seemed to be infesting her
mind: those private matters that had seemed to have manifested between her,
Malfoy, Snape and Lupin.
All that was over, she was sure. But these were still issues she couldn't help
coming back to all the time, even though she knew she should forget about it.
Still, considering everything that happened, it wasn't likely they'd have
forgotten, was it? She certainly couldn't forget her interactions with Lupin,
his smile...she missed that. And all that she learned about him.
On the other hand, she hated Malfoy , but she couldn't say she blamed him for
much of his behaviour. And spending that much time around someone was bound to
leave an impression. Unfortunately though, she couldn't say his impression on
her was all bad.
And then there was Snape, who she couldn't push from her mind either. He was
never a man she had come to think all too closely of, until Lupin opened her
eyes to him. She realised she didn't entirely hate him, either. Even back in
first year, she never hated Slytherins, but even with these two, she couldn't
entirely fault them.
Which just brought the matter to her mind that Gryffindors like her as well as
the two other houses couldn't just block them out of their lives. The unity of
houses... Of course, it was all easier said than done.
It was then that she had reflected on how Malfoy had tried to curse Harry. She
frowned as she thought of it, remembering that moment. It all was rather
complicated, wasn't it?
For a moment, she tried to recall something that someone had said... 'Your Head
of House would be Snape, would it?' Yes, that's what Mad-Eye had said. Snape.
That would mean Snape was going to punish Malfoy. But would he even do it?
Well, she could always find out…
"Heard Snape gave you detention,” she retorted in Charms days later, sure that
his punishment had to be detention. Snape would never take house points from
Slytherin.
"What's it to you, Granger?" Malfoy retorted.
"Snape gave you detention?" Ron said. "What did he do, catch you snogging?"
"Did I sound like I was talking to you, Weasley?" Malfoy retorted.
"Come on, Hermione, don't talk to him," Harry told him.
"You're right, Harry," she agreed with her friend, but not really meaning it.
But before she turned away, she added to Malfoy in an undertone, "Nothing will
change, Malfoy. Don't bother giving yourself hell for him."
"Hermione, come on," Harry nudged beside, just noticing she had still hung
back.
Malfoy glared, and didn't say anything more, leaving her to wonder. How exactly
did he plan on doing things once there? What could he possibly do? What exactly
was their personal relationship actually like? It couldn't be worth it to see,
but she let it hang in the air, wondering.
Considering this was Snape, would she even have to try? Snape usually only took
points from her, so she couldn't rely on just helping Neville and being obvious
about it.
When she had Potions next, she spent the whole class with half a mind on her
potion. If it was Harry or Ron, they'd probably mess up their potion this way,
miss an instruction or something. For her, this simply meant getting dirty
looks from Snape, or getting complaints from Harry, Neville or Ron that she
wasn't helping them enough.
It wasn't until the end of the lesson that she actually began to consider it.
Watching Snape and Malfoy in public like this had its rewards, but she really
started to wish she could see them in private.
She got a glimpse of it a year ago, when she caught the two of them arguing.
But, when she thought about it, that was an unusual circumstance...
'Your head of House would be Snape...' Hermione sighed. If she really wanted to
catch them acting towards each other normally, she'd either have to use Harry's
invisibility cloak to spy on them, or else use Polyjuice to cause some trouble
as a Slytherin and get into that detention herself. But since that potion takes
a month to make, and she didn't have any stores of it, she would have to use
Harry's cloak. It would be easier, anyway.
She imagined heading into Harry's dorm and borrowing the cloak as soon as she
returned to the Gryffindor Tower, but it occurred to her that maybe it would be
better to wait until night to take it. It would look odd just bursting into
Harry's dorm and dashing out with the cloak, especially to all the freaking out
boys that she would startle.
Save the dramatics for Harry and Ron, anyway. It was always fun messing with
them.
Hermione had to stay up until midnight just for everyone to go to sleep. She
mostly filled in that time studying, but she knew how quickly she would
probably finish it, so she stayed up with Harry and Ron for a little while. She
jumped into her studies after they went to sleep, at around ten.
She snuck up the boys' staircase, feeling nervous. There was still light under
their door, and she could hear them beyond the door. It was another hour before
things settled down enough for her to sneak in.
She was already exhausted. Quietly, with a hurried step, she snuck over to
Harry's bed, opening his trunk. She pulled out his invisibility cloak and
carefully placed the lid back down with a soft thud. Wrapping the cloak around
her, she ran out on tip toes.
Finally, she released the breath she had been holding as she walked back down
the boys' staircase.
 
She had to follow Malfoy for a while under the cloak to find out when Snape was
punishing him. She heard him complain to Crabbe and Goyle that Moody had forced
Snape's hand and made him punish Malfoy in detention when he threatened to tell
Dumbledore, and that he had to go to detention in the dungeons on 5 o'clock
Saturday.
He had already complained to his father.
Considering that result of the last one, Hermione wondered about the impending
detention with Snape. She stood by what she told Malfoy about nothing changing.
But she was curious as to just how Malfoy had planned to use this punishment as
an opportunity, and she wasn't willing to let these secrets and lies be
forgotten.
But she wasn't expecting the same thing as last time. Lupin wasn't going to be
there, and surely he wouldn't be doing anything as passive as lines, either.
During the weekend, she tried to get in as much homework as she could manage
before Malfoy's detention. She almost made a mistake on her parchment when she
jumped at the sound of Harry bursting down the stairs.
"Where's my cloak?" he cried, before spotting her. Disappointed, she put her
quill down as he hurried towards her.
"Have you seen my cloak, Hermione? My invisibility cloak's been stolen."
"Now, I'm sure it hasn't been stolen, Harry," she insisted. "Why do you need
it, anyway?"
"Ron had this idea that I could use it to take to Cho --"
"Talk to Cho? Come on, Harry, you don't need a cloak to talk to Cho. Just go
talk to her. Her friends aren't that scary, are they?"
"Yes, they are."
She smiled. "Harry, I'm sure she likes you. Just talk to her. You're a
Gryffindor, aren't you?"
"What about my invisibility cloak? It's still missing."
"It'll turn up, Harry. Just relax."
The door was closed when she got to Snape's classroom, which was different, as
Lupin had been inviting enough to leave the door open. She opened it.
Snape looked as she entered, and she froze. Did he see her?
He raised his wand. "Accio." The cloak flew off her to Snape.
"So," he said. "Trying to sneak into my dungeons, are you, Miss Granger? What
were you up to? Stealing from my stores?"
Hermione said nothing. Snape stood up. "Or perhaps you were looking for
detention. Very well, Miss Granger, come in, I'm sure I can find something for
you..."
Great, thought Hermione. This was not what she wanted.
"I want you to clean all the cauldrons in this room. As you will see, I have
set out all of the cleaning equipment by that desk on the opposite side of this
room," he said, pointing at it and she spotted the desk, "and you may find the
cauldrons in all their usual places."
Wordlessly, Hermione resigned herself to her punishment. With just one
question... "Am I getting that cloak back?"
"Maybe it would be wiser to keep it from you for about a week, so that you
learn a little more responsibility," he responded.
Damn.
"Mr. Malfoy," said Snape, and Hermione turned to the door to see that Malfoy
was, in fact, standing in the doorway. She wondered how long he'd been standing
there. "Very nearly late this time. Sit down."
"What is she doing here?" he demanded immediately.
"Miss Granger, it seems, wandered in here by mistake... dressed in an
invisibility cloak. Get to work, Malfoy, I've already informed you what you
would be doing today."
"No way," argued Malfoy.
"Mr. Malfoy, I may not have wanted to do this, but while we are both here, you
will do what I say. No more arguments. I wouldn't be doing my job here if you
weren't suffering adequately. Now wait here while I get the first box to sort
through. Miss Granger," he looked to her now, "You may start now."
Snape looked over his two students. "Mr. Malfoy, you already know what you'll
be doing. Get to it. Miss Granger," he looked to her now, "You may start now."
And he headed out the back without another word.
He came back out a moment later and dropped a heavy box in front of Malfoy.
"Get started," he said coldly.
So Malfoy set to work, complaining to himself about Snape leaving, as though to
avoid him, and started sorting potions.
Hermione watched Snape curiously as he walked back to his desk. Was he just
pissed off to be here, or did he honestly resent Malfoy in private?
While he worked, Malfoy also smirked as Hermione went through cleaning the
cauldrons. "You missed a spot," Malfoy teased. She glared at him. He continued
in a low voice. "You know, Snape obviously appreciates my intelligence more
than yours, Granger, or he wouldn’t have set me such a mind-provoking task.
You're just scrubbing cauldrons. Anyone can do that."
"Why do you keep insulting my intelligence when you know full well I'm smarter
than anyone else in our grade? You sound like you think this is easier. You
want to try it?" she retorted in same low voice. "It doesn't take someone of
your brain capacity to do the job you're doing. You think you're smart? I could
do that easy, and I wouldn't be mumbling under my breath trying to remember
what goes where either."
"Now who's arrogant?" he shot back.
"Silence, Mr. Malfoy," said Snape lazily, returning.
His gaze wavered over to Malfoy, who Hermione just realised was smirking at
him, the smirk fading now due to Snape’s last comment. “Stop smirking, Malfoy.
Get back to work,” retorted Snape. Hermione smiled and continued on to the next
cauldron.
Hermione used her wand to replenish the water in her cauldron. "Evanesco.
Aguamenti."
Malfoy spent the rest of the time (almost) alone with Snape, flirting. Snape
was rather non-responsive, occasionally barking an order to one person or
another. Sometimes, it seemed as though Malfoy was trying to rape Snape with
his eyes. Occasionally, she caught Snape looking back.
"Quit being so modest," said Malfoy. "You know you want me."
Hermione wondered if he might be right. But it didn't change the fact Malfoy
was a teenager, and Snape was twice his age. She knew Malfoy was an idiot, who
didn't understand a lot of things. But in this case, she figured he might be on
to something.
"Get back to work," repeated Snape. But a smirk was tugging at the corner of
his mouth. They were right, she was sure of it. He was...
Hermione didn't know what to make of all this. She didn't know how to go
forward from this point, so she just kept her head down and focused on her
work.
There was nothing more to be said.
Things changed later into the detention. Malfoy began to lose his patience with
Snape; the feeling was mutual, as far as she could tell by looking at Snape.
But Snape was much more expert at keeping his cool than Malfoy was.
Is this the kind of tension that had been building up between them for the past
few years? She looked at Malfoy. What had started all this, anyway? Did he
really think he deserved no one better than the likes of Snape? Or did he have
an unhealthy romanticism toward the teacher/student relationship?
More importantly, why did Snape even put up with it, even in private?
Or, maybe he wasn't in private. He had her invisibility cloak. Well, Harry's.
Her plan had failed. She was here, in plain sight. But, how had he even known?
She paused, turning around at the door. Of course -- stupid! She should've
waited for Malfoy. She should've known Snape would understand what that open
door would've meant, especially after what happened last year in the Shrieking
Shack.
"Eyes forward, Granger, eyes on the task!" commanded Snape.
She looked at him in shock, then back down at the cauldron she was on. She
scrubbed harder.
Malfoy looked up. "What were you doing, Granger? Checking me out?"
"When did you ever get this horny?" she said.
"I'm a teenage boy. News flash: we're all horny."
"Well, I don't like you. And neither does Snape, by the way."
Snape raised an eyebrow at her. She looked back at him, cast into confusion.
"Do you?" she said.
"You know that I have better taste than that," said Snape. "Not that it's
either of your business."
"Then who? Not that Lupin?"
"You always were jealous of Lupin."
"Jealous? Ha!" snorted Malfoy arrogantly. "He's a bum, and I come from one of
the most prestigious families in the country!"
"But he has a closer relationship to Snape than you could ever hope for --"
"You're lying!"
"Enough!" snarled Snape. "Both of you stop talking right now, or you'll be
stuck here for another hour!"
Hermione and Malfoy faded into silence.
 
 
He could remember it so clearly in his mind -- after his detention with
Granger, he couldn't stop reflecting on that scene. Back at the ambush, when
his father and the other Death Eaters were rampaging the World Cup, he had
Draco hide in that stupid forest. Well, he had only gone to see the game. He
knew this was coming. So he climbed a tree. It was all he could do to numb the
boredom. It wasn't any more interesting up there though, but he stayed there
for awhile, watching all the suckers flee before him.
And then she got there. Granger and her bloody friends, escaping into the
forest. Of all of them, she was what had caught his attention. Must've been
that bushy hair. He sneered down at them, those pathetic idiots, except her.
Granger.
It has certainly been obvious to both of them that they always shared some
silent understanding right from the start, whether or not there was hate there
-- and surely he'd been feeling less of it by now. What a difference two years
can make -- but he felt enough respect for her now to not have against her what
he had against her bloody friends. At least, that's what he called it .
The more he thought about it, the more aggravated he got! Why should she be any
higher than the rest of them? It's not like her blood was all the better for
it. On the contrary, she probably the worst blood of all of them! So why was he
thinking this way?
And then he jumped down. "Better keep that bushy head of yours down, Granger!"
he had said.
It was pathetic to think of! He was warning her -- in his own protective,
sarcastic way -- of the Death Eaters. No way he'd be able to say how he felt.
He wondered if she'd picked up on it. No, she can't of. She'd have said
something. So much for their silent understanding.
As he stared at the dark ceiling, he started to recall all those moments that
he could think of that reminisced of this silent understanding. But they were
all the smallest of moments. Well, except for in the second year when she'd
caught him out on having to buy his way onto the Quidditch Team. He'd had to
call her mudblood just to defend himself. But she knew, she had known, she had
been the only one who understood! He hated that, and yet...someone to
understand...
But she infuriated him! How could he ever stand her from then on?
So where did this mutual respect come from? Respect for someone who could turn
his weaknesses against him? It was maddening! He lay there, looking up at the
dark ceiling. He was stewing about it, glaring up into the darkness, hopeless
of what to do about this!
He bolted up in his bed. That was it! Getting up in the dark, he pulled on his
robes and his shoes, and wandered out of bed, out of the Slytherin common room,
and down into the dungeons.
"Alohomora," he said, when he reached Snape's desk in Potions. He pulled out
the cloak.
He smirked. He had a feeling that Granger had been following him. Now it was
time to turn the tables!
He wrapped it around himself, heading back to his common room, invisible. He'd
left the door open... he knew he'd have to sneak back here, and it'd be harder
to do then leave. To his relief, it remained open.
Smirking, he returned to his dorm and hid the cloak in his trunk. This was just
the beginning of its usefulness to him, and before he was done, he could stir
up a hell of trouble for Granger.
 
 
It was the first of November now, and Hogwarts was now crowded with even more
people than usual. Snape was sitting eating breakfast at the overcrowded
teacher's table with a most sour look on his face.
If feeling crowded wasn't enough for Snape, then the whole tournament in
general, Karkaroff's obsessive warnings -- not that he didn't know already -
- about the darkening Dark Mark, Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger's presence
regarding him, and Mad-Eye Moody's annoyingly close watch on him would have
done it.
It was the following Saturday, and the foreign competitors for the tournament
had arrived yesterday. Everyone had gone out the front to meet them, before
going back inside for another big feast. Hermione didn't hold back to eat this
time however, as she was well-immersed in S.P.E.W now, and had found much more
constructive ways to go about granting the House-Elves their rights.
But that was yesterday, and Snape was about to get yet another complaint to add
to his list, as the Great Hall became crowded with owls once again, and he
spotted one small, brown barn owl entering from the end of the hall and flying
straight towards him carrying a letter.
He wondered bitterly who it could be from as the owl made to land right in
front of him. The only suspects he could think of, however, were tossed out the
window once he saw the handwriting on the front of the letter. It said the
words:
'Severus Snape
The Great Hall,
Hogwarts School'
And Snape could tell from the handwriting straight away it was from Lupin.
Snape tore the letter from the owl's black beak, which got nippy as the letter
was removed. But it stood in silence as it watched Snape tear the letter open.
Nearby, other teachers watched him too, but Snape paid them no mind.
Snape's fingers dug into the sides of the letter as he read, creasing the
paper. Everything in him was tense with each word he read, which were not much
lessened by the eyes watching him. He glared at both them and the letter as he
read it. At least they knew him better to not try and see what the letter was.
The letter said:
Dear Severus,
I know I'm the last person you want to hear from, but I need to hear from you.
These last few months have been torture, and I have to know where I stand. I
know I should move on, and I'm trying to, but all I need is this one favour,
and I'll disappear.
I don't care what you say. But please, just write something. Tell me you hate
me. Whatever you want. Just write, Severus. It would mean so much.
Love,
Remus
Suddenly the letter closed shut. Snape looked around him and saw Moody next to
him trying to peek at his letter. So Lupin had cast a Privacy Charm on the
letter. Clever. Snape appreciated it, at least. He supposed Lupin probably felt
like he owed him that much after Snape had brewed the Wolfsbane Potion for him
last year, and Lupin had certainly kept that side of their relationship quiet
anyway.
He wondered why that was. Snape had always been thankful for that, yet he had
never questioned it enough that he might try to find out. But now that he
thought about it, it was as though this was the one small thing he could trust
in Lupin. Maybe that was the point. But Snape wasn't falling for it.
Finally, he found himself in his office that afternoon after all his classes
still thinking of all this while he burned the letter.
Lupin.
Why did he have to be stuck thinking of that man again? He hated to admit it,
but Lupin had done just what he had been aiming to do all of last year, and
now, Snape suffered in silence because of it. He did remember how it used to
be, how he had felt.
But he didn't want to. It was all so long ago; he had been a stupid teenager.
They were adults now, and he didn't need this. What he had done, in the Shack,
humiliated him to his core. He couldn't believe he had once been so utterly
shameless...
But, yet again, Lupin had squeezed himself into Snape's head. He had a nasty
habit of doing that.
He had so much to hate Lupin for. Assuming it was hate... When he thought of
Lupin, it was with disdain, and yet... that was never the end of it. Had Snape
really taken away those feelings he once had for Lupin, or just buried them?
Snape scowled at his memories as he faced himself in a small mirror on his
desk. But even as he looked into it, he imagined he was looking at himself
through Lupin's eyes, and scowled, watching his face contort into that face he
gave those he hated enough.
It was too humiliating to forgive, the memory he pictured then, never mind the
pain in his chest that he had been abandoned thereafter, twisting his heart
into cruel knots.
That resentment swelled up in him again, and he slammed the mirror face down.
He started moving around the papers on his desk; lesson plans, schedules,
reports and lists. He gave each a moment's glace before organising them with
the rest.
His desk was a mess. It was from the stress, he was sure. He knew better than
this -- he bloody well should, at least. He was better than this. He scowled at
Hermione and Draco; at Karkaroff, Moody; even Dumbledore. He hadn't been this
disorganised since his school days.
When his desk was cleaned up, he again had nothing to stare at, nothing to
think of but these maddening thoughts.
He had to get out of this state of mind. He had to get his sanity back,
assuming he even had any left. But it was easier controlling others than
dealing with his own conflicting thoughts, subduing his own emotions. And he
could always find others in the wrong, somehow.
Snape turned to the fireplace where he had thrown the letter. He had watched as
the fire jumped at the paper entering it, suddenly releasing more smoke and
rising higher, watching it satisfied as the paper went black and curved into
itself. It had been like liberation.
But now it was just ash, sitting on top of the firewood. The pleasure had faded
and the fire was growing smaller. He watched it anyway, trying to think of
something, anything else.
 
 
In the weeks he'd had the cloak, he'd spent a time sneaking around the castle,
spying after defamating rumours and Hermione, after Snape and after the Boy Who
Lived, just to spite him. And if he could, dig up even more dirt to use against
him.
It was Hermione who most caught his attention. Though he still fancied Snape,
there was his ego which caught him even worse, and the article about Krum and
Hermione had him by the throat.
And after a while, watching rumours just weren't as fun as taking part.
"Piss off, Malfoy," said Hermione immediately after coming out of Arithmancy;
she had just spotted him. What did he do, skip class?
“Rather run off to Potter or Krum, Granger?” said Malfoy.
“Is this jealousy?”
“Don’t be naïve, Granger. Anyway, I never really believed a word that woman
said about you,” said Malfoy. He was talking about the article about Potter,
that had completely over-ridden the story of the Hogwarts champions.
“Then why do you keep encouraging them?” retorted Hermione.
“Because its more fun when other people believe it.”
Hermione was enraged. Some nerve he had, coming here to drag her away from her
next class, telling her he was just using Rita Skeeter to make others suffer!
“How dare you!” she cried. And she charged down the stairs, determined to
outrun him, but he caught her, held her tight, and pinned her against the wall.
“You’re not going anywhere, Granger,” he said with a smirk, uncomfortably
close. “Why is it that Potter always gets the limelight, when this is mystory?”
he said. He became even closer.
Hermione couldn’t breathe. “Calm down, Granger, this’ll only be quick.” And he
closed his lips over hers, forcing her to breathe into his mouth now, her
breath coming hot and shallow.
It lasted five seconds, she had counted, and then he broke off, Hermione
heaving, but soon regaining her breathing. Malfoy released her.
She looked around. People were staring, whispering amongst themselves.
She looked back at Malfoy. He looked smug.
"You did that on purpose!" she cried.
He smirked. "Yeah," he said. "Impressed?"
She looked affronted. "Impressed?" she cried. "You can't be serious?
Impressed?"
"Why not? I mean, I thought that went quite well! And now they'll all talk. You
can't deny that." Malfoy bragged.
"Ugh, you're pathetic!" she said, "All because some horrible woman wrote some
demented truth regarding my love life! How the hell, exactly, did you manage to
make this about you?" she said, but didn't wait for his answer, knowing what
he'd say. Instead, she just turned to finish descending the stairs.
If there was one way of telling people a rumour, it was showing it. And as he
watched her storm off, he knew things were about to get interesting.
Malfoy let her go; he had done his job. Except that she didn't stay away...
soon, she paused at the bottom of the steps, turned, and stormed back up
towards him. "One more thing," she said, stabbing a finger at him.
She hesitated, then grabbed him by his shirt front. "Give it back to me. I know
you stole the cloak... Snape said it had been stolen from his own desk. Where
is it?"
"It could have been anyone who did that," said Malfoy. "What makes you think it
was me?"
"You don't think I notice things, do you? Maybe next time you use that thing to
stalk me, you should be a bit more mindful of your feet."
For a moment his eyes shifted, and her eyes followed them to his pants pocket,
where there was a patch of floor visible reflected through his trousers. She
yanked at it, and the entire cloak came out, hidden beneath his robes behind
his backside. Taking it back, she stalked off with it, sure to wait until she
was alone to hide herself back to her common room.
 
 
It was amazing how Hermione Granger seemed to embody the most tumultuous people
from Snape's childhood. She was only a teenager; if it were just her he was
thinking about, he wouldn’t care. No matter what her pathetic tears said.
 
"Oh, pull yourself together, Miss Granger!" he snapped one Potions class,
unable to watch her anymore as he saw the formation of tears.
"You've been messing her about all lesson! Of course she's going to get upset!"
cried Weasley, and Snape could tell that if Potter was there, he'd be glaring
defiantly along with Weasley.
But he wasn't there; he had recently been chosen as a fourth champion of
Hogwarts, and had been taken away for a photocall. Which may account for why
Snape was acting colder than he might have earlier.
"Is that so, Mr. Weasley?" said Snape silkily. “That'll be a detention and ten
points from Gryffindor, then, for talking back to a teacher."
"What?" cried Weasley, but Snape ignored him and the rest of the Gryffindors
calling protests, moving away towards another section of Gryffindors to
criticise.
Snape was spending very little time on the Slytherin end, knowing he may well
lose patience with them, but Gryffindor he didn't mind losing his temper with.
He was reduced to showing his House favouritism at a distance.
It had become apparent, however, that Malfoy took personal insult from this and
confronted Snape about it afterwards, only to receive the short end of the
stick himself.
“I have enough to deal with as it is without you coming to complain to me. But
if you don’t mind getting yelled at, then go right ahead,” Snape had said
coldly.
"What is it with you lately?" pursued Malfoy stubbornly.
"I'm telling you, Mr. Malfoy, leave it alone!"
"I'm not going until you tell me what's going on!" cried Malfoy.
Snape straightened up rather suddenly and moved with large force towards
Malfoy. They were quite alone here, but it felt as though the room were full
when Snape cried, "You really want to know what's going on my head, Malfoy? Why
don't you go running off to your father, or someone else who gives a damn!"
[End Chapter]
***** Old Charms and New Tricks *****
Chapter Summary
     Remus Lupin continues to send Snape love letters against his wishes,
     and tensions rise between Hermione and Draco.
The first task was approaching, being just days away, and it was putting
Hermione on her toes. Hermione had been helping Harry try to overcome the
looming danger, and was pleased in the end he had learned the Summoning Charm,
raising her confidence in him to face the dragon.
She whispered words of encouragement the following day; he was as prepared as
he could be, but from now on, there wasn't much she could do if it went wrong.
She could only watch from the stands, come the big day, to see what would
happen.
When it was over, she was impressed to hear from Bagman, as he still
commentated, that he had been the quickest to get his egg, though not
surprised; she had already watched the others try. And she was cheering him
with the rest of them as the dragon-keepers subdued the dragon and McGonagall,
Hagrid and Moody went to meet him.
As soon as he was gone from the stadium, Ron and her with him, they found they
were alone in the first-aid tent.
Hermione gave both Harry and Ron a hug as Ron made up for his earlier jealousy
before dashing off. With tears in her eyes, she ran out and left the stadium
ranting. She didn't stick around for the scores.
"Hey, Granger," she heard the voice from behind her, and turned, even though
she knew who it belonged to. Malfoy.
She turned to him, composing herself in order to face him. "So," she said now,
"got anyone talking about 'us'?" She said, wiping at her eyes.
Malfoy smirked. "Oh, yeah. There are many people talking about us. You should
see. Are you impressed yet? Because you really should be."
"Really? Then why haven't I heard any of it?"
"Probably too busy helping Potter."
"What'll that do for the rumours, then, if I'm seen with Harry all the time,
and not you?"
"They're spreading, aren't they?" said Malfoy.
"Are they? How far are they really spreading, Malfoy? I'll believe it when I
hear it. Never mind all these tricks. As a matter of fact, I followed you into
that detention because I... wanted to keep an eye on you. Not just out of
curiousity... After what happened to us last year, ever since discovering
this... other side of you..."
"You're totally obsessed with me, aren't you, Granger?" snorted Malfoy. "It
figures. Secretly, you wanted to kiss me, didn't you?"
"Are you sure about that?" she snapped. "I think you're full of it. You want me
hang over you? That's not going to happen." And she turned to leave.
He caught her shoulder, glaring at her. "That's just like you, Granger, always
sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong --"
"I wasn't! Look, I've just witnessed something wonderful, and I'm certainly not
about to let you ruin it!"
"What, Potter's performance? Please! Don't get me started on everything he did
wrong --"
"Wrong? Wrong?" she cried. "What exactly did Harry do wrong?" she demanded.
"That's not the point --"
"Then what is the point?" she said.
He stared haughtily at her for a moment. "The point," he struggled, "is that I
could do that with my eyes closed --"
"Ha! You are jealous!" cried Hermione malevolently.
"Oh, screw it, Granger! What happens in this castle is the same thing that
happens everywhere else," said Malfoy. "Secrets and lies. It's a fact of life,
Granger."
"You would say that. You're a Slytherin."
"Oh, and I suppose the world is really just full of charm and heroes? Don't
fall into that trap."
"Don't you go around trying to lay on the charm?"
"Only to those I like or I can use. And besides, at least I never claimed to be
the hero. Not like Potter is always trying to be. He's kidding himself. He's
nothing but some glorified faker."
"He got the egg, didn't he?"
"You know as well as I do that he got help. From you, probably."
The crowd leaving the stadium was starting to break out, leaving Malfoy and
Hermione in a field of obstacles. She fought through it to him, trying to keep
control. "So I suppose you could do that too, if you just had a few helpers at
your side?"
"I'd probably do a better job than Potter."
"Right," said Hermione, unbelieving. "Who's playing the hero now?"
Before before he had the chance to respond, the crowd tore them apart, and
Hermione let herself be swept from the stadium. Maybe Hagrid was outside that
she could talk to...
 
Hermione was startled by the way Malfoy had been acting and knew there had to
be something more to it. But she didn't linger on Malfoy for long; thoughts of
something she could for S.P.E.W were quickly filling her vision.
Malfoy, however, was taking a less passive approach than this, but Granger
didn't seem to want anything to do with him, as it turned out; ever since the
First Task, she had been trying to avoid him.
"Pathetic, Granger!" Malfoy called as Hermione had just noticed him in the
library. Frustrated, she packed up her things and made to leave.
Madame Pince reprimanded him. He ignored her and chased after Hermione.
"What is it with you lately, Granger? Can't handle me anymore? I can certainly
understand why --"
Hermione had whipped around. "What do you want, Malfoy?" she demanded.
"I want to know what you’re playing at!"
"I'm busy! Do I need a reason?"
"You do when you leave the library because of me! Since when did you ever let
me dictate your life?"
"I'm not!" cried Hermione.
"Wake up, Granger! It couldn't be any more obvious, and if you're denying it,
you're either delusional or an idiot!"
"Oh, look who's talking!" Hermione retorted sarcastically.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
Hermione tutted. "Oh, the tables have turned now, haven't they!" she cried. "I
mean, you and Snape, how delusional are you to think he'll ever like you in
that way! What do you think I mean?"
"I don't think this is about Snape. I think you're running away because you're
threatened by me! I don't know why, I didn't force you to go to that detention,
Granger. So what the hell happened?"
"I realised that things are going too far. This needs to stop, Malfoy.
"You're the one who --"
"Besides, I'd say its just as much the other way around."
"Me, threatened by the likes of you? I'm a Malfoy --"
"Not me," said Hermione.
"Then who, Granger?"
"What about Lupin?"
"Lupin? That pathetic excuse for a teacher? Not him again! What's he got to do
with anything? He's gone now, anyway! If he was really a threat, he would still
be here!"
"Maybe you're afraid that they are truly better for each other than you and
Snape. After all, you're just a teenager, and Snape has made it clear that he
finds that very fact disgusting," sneered Hermione.
"He's not here anymore," repeated Malfoy; but he knew she had struck upon
something.
"What's the matter, Malfoy? Scared to face up?" she teased. Malfoy glared. He
couldn't stand the smug look in her face, the way she'd gotten to him, the way
she'd turned that against him.
"You wish, you filthy mudblood!" he retorted.
This did not faze Hermione at all, however, having dealt with Malfoy calling
her this for two years already. "Can I go now?" she retorted.
Malfoy glared, and without another word, started heading back the way he had
come. She took that as a yes, and turned back around, continuing to leave.
It was only halfway towards Gryffindor Tower that it dawned on her that she had
been meaning to borrow a book during that visit. But she shrugged it off; she
could just study in the common room tonight, she decided.
She didn't need that book, not right now. It was fine.
 
Meanwhile, that morning, Snape got another letter from Lupin. Snape scowled as
the little brown barn owl flew away, looking down at an identical envelope that
had the same address written on it in the same handwriting.
For a moment, it looked as though Karkaroff had planned to steal the letter
before Snape managed this time to tuck it safely inside his robes, eager not to
let Karkaroff, or Moody for that matter, see it. Snape turned to face him.
“What is this fascination with me, Igor? You should mind your own business,”
shot Snape.
“When your actions are so suspicious,” Karkaroff retorted, "certainly you must
understand why I become suspicious, Severus?"
“You find receiving a letter suspicious, Igor? Personally, I think you’re
starting to go as mad as Moody.”
Karkaroff’s expression intensified. “I find your reactions suspicious! What is
it you are hiding, Severus? Could it be that your dangerous position is being
brought to the forefront? Could there be something in those letters about
Voldemort?”
“It is none of your business what it is about. Perhaps it is simply someone
quite annoying.”
“Like me, Severus?" Karkaroff retorted. "No, this is something else!”
“Indeed?” said Snape. “Well, you have no proof –“
Karkaroff tried to snatch it away.
“Uh-uh, Igor,” said Snape silkily, holding the letter away from him. “Invading
another teachers’ privacy? That won’t be stood for in this school. You should
be more careful.”
Karkaroff glared, but did nothing.
 
Snape knew that Lupin thought he had once seen a hidden charm shining through
his layers. He certainly did have a softer side -- Lily was proof of that -
- that had only ever been unleashed in full force once before. But he'd be
damned if he was going to let it victimise him.
He had only been young, hadn't yet gained the discipline of his later years.
But now he was fully grown. And although if ever that old charm might still
exist, it was well-protected by them.
Of course, there was always Lupin on the other side, trying to break the door
down, or else wishing he could. Snape was loathe to read the man's latest
personal letter, but the burning ritual was pointless without it, and the
temptation thus was just enough to pose irresistible.
Dear Severus, it had said.
You still have not written, and I can understand why. I'm starting to grow cold
inside with each passing day. I'm sure this will be the death of me; I don't
even always mind the transformations anymore, because I can forget all this.
The pain is agony just as its always been, but its familiar, and it accentuates
the darkness rising in me each passing day.
And I know that's something you can relate to.
I always move to the forest on those days, but now as I'm writing this letter
in my dingy flat, the memories are flooding back so insistantly, like through
the reel of an old movie, like my every thought is of you, but more.
I know I shouldn't bring it up, but a lot of the time I remember the Shrieking
Shack. I know its a sensitive issue, but my soul felt so bright that night. I
know you felt the same. I saw it; you glowed.
Sometimes it feels as though my life is half-over and there's nothing left to
do. That memory was my only consolation over my love for you, but sometimes I
know I should let go. But I can't, I was never strong in that.
Help me release you, Severus. Do us both a favour, and write.
Remus
Over-dramatic, soppy, manipulating. This was Lupin at his best. Or worst, Snape
thought. Snape knew Lupin better than that; this would not end so easily, even
if he did write.
Lupin was venting, he was clinging, that was what he did when things got this
way. He was making excuses for himself if he thought he could stop.
Snape had more to deal with than just Lupin. Besides, Snape knew the situation
would only grow worse if he did write.
He had other, more pressing issues on hand than Remus Lupin to worry about.
Draco Malfoy was certainly, too, becoming a fair runner against Lupin, if only
in annoyance.
Lupin, unlike Malfoy, was thankfully more subtle, but it still made little
difference. Despite the lack of knowledge about Lupin's correspondence, Malfoy
had taken to his lead, and began to write Snape notes at the bottoms of pages
in his Potions notebook.
Every time he saw one, after been given the book to mark, Snape would have to
cast them out then write a subtle reply under his work to discourage this
behaviour. It came to him briefly that perhaps he should do the same to Lupin.
He did this sometime in the weeks coming up to the dreaded Yule Ball. He
stalked up to the Owlery full of intent on Saturday morning and sent Lupin a
little surprise; a confiscated letterbomb. He was sure Lupin would certainly
appreciate that, at least.
He added a quick note.
Lupin,
This is my official warning for you to cease and desist. And I strongly suggest
you do so.
Severus Snape
Regardless, none of this had any sway on Malfoy, who also did not stop.
"Mr. Malfoy," said Snape sternly, as he caught sight of what appeared to be
doodling, but of which he knew was the making of a new note. Malfoy hastily
closed the book on his thumb and forefinger and looked up at Snape. "Yes?" said
Malfoy innocently.
Snape held out his hand before Malfoy. "Hand over your notebook. You will get
it back after class. I'll expect to see your copied notes from one of your
Housemates next lesson. Hand it over."
Reluctantly, he did so. Snape took it back to his desk.
Malfoy inclined his head slightly, and caught a glimpse of Hermione. He
directed his gaze at her; she was looking directly at him, a hard, but
inquisitive look on her face. He did not reply to her gaze with his own, but
turned away after a few seconds and directed his attention back to his potion.
He did not need her judgement right now.
 
 
The Yule Ball was soon approaching, as Christmas Day was not far away. Hermione
spent the entire day prior within close reach of Harry and Ron and headed up
from the grounds at five to get ready for the ball.
Or at least that's what she told them. She was, but in reality, it wasn't the
only thing she was doing.
Because she was going with Krum, it had given her the idea of how to deal with
Malfoy. She smirked to herself as she wandered the castle looking for Malfoy.
She found him heading towards the dungeons.
Well, this was perfect. She kept herself a fair distance from him, to be sure
he didn't see her, and followed him. She couldn't help but think, as she moved
down the narrow hallways that she would be so easily caught if he went back for
any reason.
However, he did not go back. He didn't even hesitate. He just kept determinedly
going. He ended up exactly where she expected him to end up; Snape's classroom.
He didn't even knock. He just walked straight in.
"Mr. Malfoy," she heard Snape say irritably, as Hermione crept towards the
door. It, again, occurred to her how easily she might be caught, and gripped
the wall anxiously. "And what gives you the right to come barging into my
classroom?"
“I'm tired of listening to excuses and words spoken in resentment! You've got
more secrets than I know about, don't you? Why don't you just let out what
you're feeling for once?" demanded Malfoy at once.
“Because it is none of your business!”
“Oh, isn’t it? You’ve been starting to receive letters lately that you won’t
let anyone see! You’ve certainly become enough of a subject among some of the
Slytherins to see that! What are you hiding? Are they from him?” Malfoy
persisted.
“And who do you mean by that?” teased Snape, his voice dripping with distaste.
“You know perfectly well who! That pathetic teacher, Lupin!”
There was a long pause. The atmosphere thick with tension, Hermione guessed.
The thought expressed seemed to shock even her while the tension still hung in
the air.
“It’s true!” cried Malfoy suddenly. “It’s true, isn’t it? What did you do with
them?” Another pause, shorter this time. “You’ve been burning them?”
“That’s right, Mr. Malfoy. Now leave right this instant before I decide take up
the issue with your mother."
There was silence. "Now," said Snape coldly. She heard footsteps approaching.
It was now or never.
"Wait a moment," she said, standing the doorway, looking past Malfoy who was
now in front of her, to Snape. He was sitting behind his desk, spiteful eyes
boring into her.
"Miss Granger," he said bitterly. "What do you want?"
"Those letters," she said, and her eyes shifted to the fireplace for a moment.
His eyes must have moved there when Malfoy had asked. "What were they? Lupin's
still keeping contact?"
"None -- of -- your -- business!" said Snape through gritted teeth. "Now leave,
or I will be informing your parents as well!"
Her eyes shifted to Malfoy who was glaring at her. "Get out of the way,
Granger!" he said.
"No," she told them both. She moved past Malfoy, who didn't leave, but looked
back at her as she approached Snape. "Miss Granger, I'm warning you --"
"Why is he still keeping contact? What did you say to him?"
"I didnt say anything, Miss Granger, now get out before --"
"What did he say, then?"
"Miss Granger, if you don't want another detention, you had better get out
right now!"
"What did Lupin say?" demanded Malfoy suddenly.
"Why should I tell either one of you?" shot Snape straight back at both of
them. "Neither of you have anything thing to with my private affairs, and you
are children --"
"So you admit that you're having affairs?" asked Malfoy obnoxiously, smirking,
and Snape scowled so deep that he began to take on a dangerous expression.
"What would you call us during the last several months, then?" Hermione asked
bravely, then.
"Interfering where you don't belong," retorted Snape.
"Is that so?" said Hermione, slowly, calmly, resentfully but in complete
control of herself. "Are you sure you are not still making excuses for
yourself? You call everyone delusional, but do you really mean it, or are you
just trying to soothe your own mind? Have you meant anything you've said to us
during the last year, or were you just out for yourself?"
"You'd like to believe that, wouldn't you, Miss Granger? You and Mr Malfoy,
you'd use any excuse too, wouldn't you --?"
"That isn't true --"
"Isn't it? Just because you don't take us seriously as children, doesn't mean
you can blame us for anything you feel like. You know there's no truth in it,
so why press it?"
"If you believe that, then surely you must it believe of yourself, too, Miss
Granger? You are, after all, the one who brought it up."
"Would it change anything if I didn't?" Hermione asked.
"No."
And she turned to Malfoy. "Anything to add?"
Malfoy looked to Snape. "If I belonged anywhere else, I'd be there. I'm not an
idiot. So you may as well tell me."
"You don't know what you're asking of me, Mr Malfoy, and I refuse to give it.
Go to the Ball. I do not feel like discussing the matter further."
"Of course you don't! You would never discuss it if it were up to you, or
anything else that means anything! You're too afraid! You know, I don't think
you've ever embraced your sexuality, have you?"
"Mr. Malfoy, if you are suggesting--"
"Among other things," replied Malfoy. "Mostly it means that you couldn't flirt
with the hottest person on earth if they were grinding up on you."
"If they were going to --"
"Exactly," said Malfoy.
There was silence then, a stiff silence. "Even if you never see it, I am
perfectly capable to act on my sexuality," said Snape, and Hermione shivered.
"It's just that there is little in a school to turn someone on."
"It's easy if you try," said Malfoy.
Hermione cleared her throat, and suddenly they both looked at her, as though
she had said that she wanted to jump both of them.
"So!" she said as she turned back to Malfoy. There was silence then, and
Hermione turned back to Malfoy.
"It's a shame we both have dates, and that you have the distaste to go with
Parkinson while living a lie, this lie, but we do. Cheers, Malfoy. Hope that
turns out great for you." She bumped shoulders on her way out quite
purposefully, and feeling sudden, subtle sparks from the motion, slipped in a
flirtacious look before leaving.
It's a shame, indeed.
 
 
At eight, Hermione had met Krum in the Entrance Hall, taken his arm, and let
him lead her inside.
Despite the charade, Hermione felt quite happy to be Krum's partner. And she
had to admit she didn't know how long this feeling would last. Now that she had
said yes to him, and he had told her that he had been in the library in the
first place so that he could talk to her, she took it that this wasn't the last
she'd be seeing of him.
She had mixed feelings about it. She was sure she wasn't interested in the long
term, but she probably wouldn't mind, either, if something arose from this.
They sat down and waited for everyone else to settle in. She was sitting near
Harry and Parvati it seemed, so she said hi.
They got up as the Champions were set to dance, and Krum lead her out. Hermione
was having a great time, until Ron was quick to ruin it for her. She should've
realised he would, looking back; they had been like that before. But when he
did start to pick at her about Krum, she just couldn't seem to understand why,
but all she could think in the end was how much she hated him.
She seemed to cheer up when Krum found her with the drinks. And she remembered
there were other things to attend to tonight. She smiled, accepting her drink.
Malfoy.
She looked around, trying to spot him. Well, of course, she spent a lot of the
night with Krum, but she spent a bit of time exchanging glances with Malfoy
when she could manage it, when nobody was looking, the same type she had given
him on the way out of Snape's office.
This was her plan, slow and painful nudging for a few hours, and then she would
switch it up.
When she got a little bit more time to herself towards the end of the night,
she went to find Malfoy again. When she did, Pansy seemed to have gone for
drinks too, or else she'd not let him out of her sight, as she hadn't all
evening. He was alone.
"Well, what do you think? Clean up good, don't I?" she asked him.
"You're still as ugly as before, Granger!"
"But you feel stuck here with Parkinson, don't you --? Tiring of the charade
already? I saw the look in your eyes earlier. You hate her tonight, don't you?"
"I'm not gonna let you win just because you're pulling a few strings, Granger!"
You mean pulling a few tricks? "Well, just so you know, my date tonight thinks
you're trying to crack on to me, and he's quite jealous. So I'd say you'd
better watch it, Malfoy." And she made to stalk away, but what Malfoy said next
stopped her.
"And just how would he have gotten that idea, Granger?"
She turned around. She looked into his face and saw it filled with accusation,
and answered. “I told him. But of course, you had already guessed that, hadn’t
you? And that’s not all I told him. I told him all about you, about your
insecurities and your hopeful mutterings about whether you're worthy of me --"
"Not of you!" Malfoy cried.
"I know that. But he doesn't. And he's not about to listen to you over me, is
he? Not when I'm the one he seems to fancy, and certainly not when I've done
such a good job of making you look bad."
Malfoy just glared. Then he said, "Just watch your back, Granger! You're not
the only one with tricks up their sleeve!" And he was the one, instead, to
stalk away.
 
 
As Hermione lay there, in her bed that night, she thought about the missing
invisibility cloak and Malfoy, and she felt paranoid all of a sudden. She was
sure she could feel his gaze on her, unmoving, lingering, wanting...
She didn't understand it. What possible reason could he have for that? Maybe
she was just imagining it. After all, both her eyes were closed.
She was barely conscious. He couldn't be staring at her, could he be. But then,
where would this thought have come from? ...Did she have a thing for him?
How could she? He was Malfoy! He was a Slytherin! But at the same time... she
always knew, even in her first year, that he wasn't exactly evil. And
oftentimes she'd agreed with him on stuff and gotten ideas off him. And she
began to wonder... had she liked him all along, deep inside?
Before she could find an answer for herself, she suddenly peeked in front of
her with one eye without thinking about what she was doing and found the truth:
it wasn't a dream. He was watching her longingly.
She hardly got to see it for too long, because he turned away from her then,
aware that she had seen him. Clearly he hadn't wanted her to, but she had
nonetheless. And those thoughts still stayed with her, but she still wondered
if they were true.
It just made no sense to her. Maybe she just didn't want to accept it;
something was happening, something was going on with the two of them, something
she didn't want to admit.
"Malfoy?" she said, eyes staring directly up now. But when she got no answer,
she sat up and looked around. He had left her side and was now a short distance
away. He was at the edge of the black lake, staring into its depths.
Huh, how had she gotten here? Hermione got to her feet and walked up behind
him.
"Malfoy," she said. He did not stir; he was ignoring her. "Malfoy, I know you
can hear me. What was that, Malfoy, just now? Don't just ignore me. What was
that?"
Still he didn't answer. "Malfoy--"
"What do you think?" he asked. "Take a guess."
She paused. "That was..." she did not want to say it. "That was you watching me
sleep, you with a..."
"That's right." he said, knowing she was not going to say it.
"But why? How? When did it happen?"
"Will it make a difference?" she said, avoiding the question. "Will you really
care?"
She thought about this. She would care, she decided, on first thought. But then
she second guessed herself. Would she care? She didn't know. It would certainly
make no difference about the details in the long run. He did like her, that's
all that was important. But she still wondered...
"No," he answered for her. "Of course not."
But her mind was protesting. 'Of course it would!' her mind screamed. 'It makes
a great deal of difference!' She had to know!
"I would," she finally voiced her opinion to him. "I'd want to know."
And suddenly he spun on her, looking up at her from his spot on the ground.
"Why are you doing this me?" he demanded. "Why? I don't want to answer your
bloody questions, so just leave it the hell alone!" he cried.
"Wait a minute..." said Hermione. "I think I remember what happened now..."
Malfoy watched her with a dreaded look in his eye. A moment later, Hermion
began explaining out loud what she though had happened.
"At the end of the Yule Ball, we had a fight and then you left. Then Ron and I
got in a fight... and we both separately returned to the Gryffindor Tower.
But... I felt awful about all the night's fighting, and I... came here, to
clear my head. After that, I fell asleep..."
Malfoy's eyes jumped in surprise, and he blinked.
"What? Was that not what happened?"
"No, it was," he answered. "It just seems that... you and I both have something
of a... similar place we both like to go to calm down..."
She stared out from him. "The Black Lake," she said, staring at it.
"Yeah. I always come here."
"That's funny," she said, turning back to him. "I've never seen you here."
"Do you ever come down here?"
"No... I suppose not. I'm always with Harry and Ron..."
"Then I suppose you know where to find me when you want to..." he said.
She blinked. "Malfoy, do you want me to come find you? You've always been such
a prat. Is it possible that this place... changes you?"
"I feel calmer here," he answered. "Away, free from the expectations of my
father. It's hard work being a Malfoy, you know."
"Yeah, calling people mudbloods and all that.
"Screw you. Just for that, you can't come back here."
"You can't stop me. I know of this place now. It's too late to stop me."
"Fine. But you'll be sorry in the morning."
"I'm sure I will," she said sarcastically, without conviction.
 
 
Life returned to normal the following day. Or as normal as they ever seemed to
get around here, with Hermione having to worry about people like Malfoy. And it
seemed that he hadn't wasted any time before the Yule Ball. For the second time
in two years, it seems, Malfoy had targeted -- or at least helped to target -
- Hagrid, by appearing in a Rita Skeeter article about him.
"Is this your idea of revenge?" hissed Hermione, next time she was alone with
him, which turned out to be on the way to Arithmancy.
"Not exactly. This is just for kicks. Wait til you see what I have planned for
you."
"But Hagrid doesn't deserve this!" she cried.
"Do you think so, Granger? Well, I knew you'd be against it. The fact that it
was Hagrid was just a bonus for me, plus I know how you seem to like the bloody
oaf."
"He is not an oaf! Honestly, targeting innocent people isn't going to solve
anything!" she replied.
"Neither is revenge. Besides, I’m sure Krum must’ve seemed innocent enough when
you used him! At least to you. Anyway, as that article clearly points out,
Granger, he's not a person. He's half-giant!" retorted Malfoy.
"Oh, very clever!" said Hermione sarcastically.
"Yes, I thought so," said Malfoy in a serious tone, although he was really
teasing her. And without another word, he moved back to his goons, and Hermione
forced herself to ignore it.
 
 
Snape got another letter. This time, more than just the teachers seemed to be
looking in Snape’s direction when they noticed the owl land in front of him. To
top this, Snape didn’t even get a chance to open the letter; Karkaroff snatched
it from Snape’s fingers.
“Igor, it is not your business who is writing to Severus about what,”
Dumbledore warned, getting up to stop Karkaroff.
But before Karkaroff would finish listening to Dumbledore, he had already
muttered a counter-charm to undo the charm already placed upon the letter and
was ripping it open greedily.
Suddenly, the letter burst into flame, and Karkaroff dropped it before he
turned to Snape ragingly, who still had his wand held out, pointed directly at
the letter.
“You are that desperate to keep the truth from me, Severus?” said Karkaroff,
suspicious as ever. “You won’t even read your own letter?”
“I’m not missing anything important.”
Karkaroff continued to eye Snape suspiciously until Dumbledore said, “That’s
enough, Igor,” going on to say that he wanted to see Karkaroff that afternoon,
before informing Snape that he also wanted to see him in Dumbledore’s office
that evening.
Snape did indeed go to Dumbledore’s office. But since the incident in the Great
Hall, he had decided to write to Lupin. He needed to vent his rage, write abuse
at him, and sort this whole mess out. He was so mad; he had to end this.
Away from prying eyes, after that days classes, he hid away in his office to
write the letter. Dinner was coming up in an hour, and after that he was due in
Dumbledore’s office, so this was the only time he had to write the letter
beforehand. More importantly, his anger spurred him on to do it.
He brought out his parchment and quill and immediately started writing.
Lupin,
How dare you continue to write to me when I clearly do not wish to talk to you!
I have been refusing to write you this entire time only because you wanted me
to. But I cannot hold back any longer!
You and your obnoxious owl have been grating on my nerves for several months
now, and people in the Great Hall have been watching me increasingly with every
letter you send, and it has come to a point that is much more than a little
inconvenient and which I simply will not stand for!
Karkaroff is here from Durmstrang, and he has been eyeing me suspiciously since
he got here, trying to warn me about the Dark Lord – like I don’t already know
– and doesn’t seem to be able to see past him to the extent that he tried to
steal your last letter, thinking it was from or about the Dark Lord, and tried
to read it! Fortunately for you, my quick thinking saved you from my wrath, and
myself from utter humiliation!
And that's not even counting the Auror Moody, who has stolen my rightful
position on the Hogwarts staff once again. He has been watching me just as
suspiciously, and must surely be waiting for Karkaroff to play into his hands,
which I believe he almost did today.
If you continue to send me letters, I will not be held responsible for my
actions! So once again, I warn you now to cease and desist, or you will be
sorry!
Sincerely,
Severus Snape
He quickly folded it up, putting it in his robes, made to get up and left his
office, left his classroom, strode with purpose through the halls and up the
tower, moving quickly and without stopping, thinking, or looking back.
Finally, he appeared in the Owlery and immediately grabbed an envelope and a
quill, about to write an address when he realized he didn’t know where to send
it. Why didn’t Lupin leave the address? Snape cursed him under his breath.
Suddenly, an owl’s hoot rushed past his ears. The owl landed in front of him.
It was Lupin’s owl. Snape cursed the owl under his breath, too. The owl offered
its leg to Snape. Another letter? Snape retrieved what the owl was holding: it
was an envelope with the address on it.
He took the envelope grumpily, added a postscript in which he abused Lupin for
not telling him the owl had the envelope, and concealed the letter inside of
it. He closed it back up and put it back on the owl’s leg. The owl immediately
took off again.
He looked back down at the table and saw a bottle of ink completely spilled
onto a blank envelope, he glared at the mess and quickly cleaned it up with his
wand before cursing the owl under his breath again, and left the Owlery.
As Snape was returning to the castle from the tower, the Durmstrang students
were passing by, led by Karkaroff, who stepped aside from the front once he
noticed Snape, leading the two students behind him to ask about it and
Karkaroff to answer briefly, both in their own language. They continued to pass
by without him, and Karkaroff ascended the stairs to meet Snape and immediately
questioned him.
“What were you doing up there, Severus?” he said at once.
“None of your business, Igor,” said Snape annoyed, as he continued down the
stairs, trying to ignore the man.
“Enough of this! I know you’re up to something, Severus! What is it? Creating
alliances, working an escape plan--?”
“I’m not a coward like you, Igor, I’m not planning on going anywhere! Stop
projecting your fears on me just because you’re not man enough to handle them!”
Karkaroff suddenly stepped in front of Snape, his face contorted in anger.
“Stop fooling yourself, Severus! The Dark Lord is coming for all those who
betrayed him! You are as much on that list as I am!”
“Then I’ll deal with it,” replied Snape, stepping around Karkaroff and
continuing on to the Great Hall.
“Don’t be a fool, Severus!” Karkaroff stepped in front of him again. “You know
you’ll be no match for the Dark Lord when he arrives!”
“So there’ll be one less of us,” said Snape lazily, making to move around
Karkaroff again, who blocked him.
“You want that no more than I! Join me, Severus! We’ll have a better chance –“
“No. You can look after yourself. I don’t need you, Igor. Now move,”
interjected Snape.
Karkaroff had a sour look on his face, and glared at him for a few moments
before muttering his disbelief and stalking off to the Great Hall where dinner
would be waiting for them both.
That evening, Snape did as Dumbledore had asked and met him in his office.
“Come in,” came Dumbledore’s voice after Snape had knocked on it. Snape opened
the door and proceeded inside.
“You asked to see me, Headmaster?"
“That I did, Severus,” replied Dumbledore. “I wish to talk to you. Come in, sit
down.” He said.
Snape did so.
“Now,” said Dumbledore, “Since this issue has become something of a hot topic
among the staff lately, among others, I need to know. What are these letters
you keep getting? Who are they from?”
"Lupin," said Snape, knowing full well that a good lie is based on truth. "He
has been bugging me about continuing to brew the Wolfsbane Potion for him. Even
though he is no longer here, he seems to see fit to control my actions, as he
knows full well about my skills, skills which he seems to lack."
"Perhaps that might not be a bad idea," said Dumbledore. Snape looked at him as
though he were mad, laying it on thick.
Dumbledore continued, "I've been thinking of reuniting the old Order of the
Phoenix, but have been too busy with the Tournament to do much, but when I do,
I will surely ask Lupin to join. I will inform you when the task must be
followed through, and I expect to see you do so. You may leave now."
“Yes,” replied Snape, although it had not been a question.
“Thank you for telling me, Severus.” Dumbledore said, looking thoughtful as he
stood up. Snape repeated the action. “And Severus, do try to be more hospitable
to our guests. When Voldemort rises, we'll need as much help as we can get."
And without a word, Snape nodded and left Dumbledore’s office.
 
 
But at the same time, Draco was already coming up an idea to get back at
Hermione after the Yule Ball.
The plan, of course, was to spread lies about her. Malfoy had the perfect
thing: he would tell everyone that she was cheating on her “new boyfriend”,
Viktor Krum. The rumour started in Slytherin, who malevolently spread to the
other Houses. Hermione heard the rumour first from Padma Patil, when she
registered her disgust towards Hermione.
Hermione was afraid of whether or not this would reach her friends, and
especially reaching Krum. As it turned out, though, Padma didn't spread the
rumour as far as she'd feared, but she did spread it to some gossipy
Gryffindors and her sister, as well as Krum. But funnily, no one thought to
tell her best friends, assuming they'd already know.
This, at least, Hermione was grateful for. But there was still a problem.
“Herm-own-ninny,” Krum said to Hermione, meeting her once again in the library.
“Is zis true? Ze others are saying you are involved vith another man.”
“What?” she said, acting startled, looking up from her book at him. “No, of
course not! Who has been saying that?”
“I vas told by someone in your year,” he said seriously. “Haff you been keeping
anysing from me?”
“No!” Hermione insisted. “Really, I haven’t. I don’t know why they’ve been
saying that. Please believe me.” Hermione pulled on her pleading face.
He looked at her for a long moment. “I belief you,” he said at last.
Krum, of course, didn't believe her, and they both knew it. But it wasn't
something either were willing to admit openly, either. But they certainly acted
upon it anyway. One thing they both did, albeit separately, was to confront
Malfoy. They both had their own issues with him to take up, and that's exactly
what they did.
“Is this your plan, then? Strip away the threat by spreading rumours?” She
demanded at once, stalking up to him.
“It’s about more than that, Granger! It’s about exposing you as a fraud so I
can tell Krum all about how we've been meeting constantly in secret, how we
have a completely different relationship out of the public eye, how you kissed
me and told me that really you liked me --"
"I never said that!"
"Krum doesn't know that. Don't underestimate the power of rumours.” Malfoy
retorted.
“Is this just some game to you?"
"Don't you go marginalising me, now, just because I happen to have the upper
hand! You’ll see, Granger! You’re about to play right into my hand.” he said,
and began to walk away.
“Where are you going?” she demanded. He continued to walk off in the opposite
direction. "Hey!"
"Don't want to hear it, Granger!" he called. And then he disappeared around the
corner. Hermione didn't chase him.
Malfoy was little different when Krum had approached him. "Are you trying to
steal mine Herm-own-ninny?" Krum demanded.
It took all his self-control not to act out of his pureblood pride. "I'd say
I'm doing a pretty good job. 'Trying' doesn't even enter into it."
Malfoy had them all enraptured, and that was bad for her. She’d just have to
endure their slander and whatever consequences followed for however long this
ended up lasting. A week, two, or even a month. She'd live with it.
Still, Malfoy was right. She was just acting morally outraged because she was
losing. And all she wanted to do was forget it.
The Second Task was coming up soon. That would become a welcome distraction
from these thoughts. She wondered if Harry had figured out that clue yet.
Knowing Harry, he would probably procrastinate up until the night before, when
it would probably be too late. So she had to stay on his case about it.
Well, if she did intend to retaliate against Malfoy, she figured she'd better
do it fast, before much more damage is done. She had been thinking up something
whenever she had a spare moment to her thoughts or when she was watching him.
When she did think of something, she would tell Krum first so that he would
believe her more readily, then she would tell others; spread the word.
It was a lie, of course. Malfoy had lied about her, after all, in a way. But
she knew things about him, too, and two could play at that game. She had to use
the only thing she had on him: his fixation on Snape. Not that she’d use
Snape’s name. To be honest, she didn't think she could bring herself to do
that.
She didn’t tell her closest friends; she was embarrassed to involve them, too.
She didn’t want anyone she knew to catch on to her. They all hated Malfoy too,
but she was sure they'd get suspicious if she said the things she was planning
to say, and they wouldn’t understand. She knew what they'd say. She needed to
avoid all that. Within a few days, the rumours were already spreading through
the other three Houses though.
Therefore, it didn’t take long for Malfoy to figure it out. By now, it was
natural whom to expect to spread lies about him right away. But he had brought
it on. She honestly didn’t see why he had anything to complain about, although
she could certainly see that it must be humiliating.
“How dare you tell them that!” Malfoy spat at Hermione, as she made her way
towards Harry and Ron for lunch. "You filthy mudblood!"
“Mudblood? You’re angry,” replied Hermione indifferently, continuing on despite
him. He grabbed her shoulder roughly, fingers digging painfully into her, and
pulling her back to look at him again. Hermione looked at him shocked.
“Don’t you walk away! How dare you ruin my reputation! Would you like me to
spread sordid details of your past?” Malfoy demanded.
“Sordid?” she cried. “Have I somehow crossed some line? You were the one
begging me to fight you! What’s the big deal?”
"Begging?" he spat. “What do you think, Granger?” he yelled. “Don’t you think
you’ve crossed the line? Are you really thicker than you look?”
“No, I’m not!” Hermione shot, offended by his remark.
“Get away from her!” cried Ron as he and Harry came running up to them.
As Harry and Ron reached her, they stood on either side of her, trying to make
Malfoy back down. But Malfoy just put on his usual sneer. “Trying to scare me,
are you? Trying to scare me away?” he teased.
“That’s right,” said Harry defiantly.
“Too bad you’re so pathetic you couldn’t scare a Flobberworm!” Malfoy retorted,
sizing him up.
“Harry, Ron, let’s just go, alright?” Hermione interrupted.
“Yeah, Potter, run away!” teased Malfoy.
Harry glared for a few moments longer and left.
Hermione never told Harry and Ron what he had been talking about, instead
making up her own story about it. She realized that Malfoy was right; there
were certain parts of their secret lives that she was just too scared to tell
her friends about, that you just weren't meant to talk about.
And she hated to admit that, but she was just going to keep lying.
[End Chapter]
***** Rumours and Gossip *****
Chapter Summary
     Draco wants to get back at Hermione and spread rumours are the
     perfect Slytherin arsenal to do it. Snape's letters from Lupin start
     to attract unwanted attention, and soon the staff at Hogwarts want in
     on the secret.
Considering all that was going on between him and Hermione, it was only natural
that Malfoy should strap back into the saddle and strike back fast and hard.
This time it was for more reason than just retaliation; it was revenge.
Malfoy quickly spread his rumours through the school, and watched the fever of
gossip spread. He wasn't speaking to Hermione anymore, although he knew, or at
least suspected, that she would come to him eventually. He would be ready for
her when that time came.
The rumour he had spread about her was sure to raise some eyebrows and get a
rise out of her -- a true role reversal in contrast to when they last spoke, if
he ever saw one. The rumour he had spread about her, evidently, was that she
was only dating Krum because she was trying to make Draco jealous because she
loved him, not Krum. He told them that they had been involved since third year,
that it was just getting serious.
For the next few weeks, he didn't hear from her at all. Instead, it seems, she
had decided to avoid him. Malfoy was really beginning to get annoyed at her,
and impatient for her to stand up for herself already!
Finally, come the day of the Second Task, Malfoy broke his silence with
Hermione at last.
“Heading to the Black Lake, Granger?” Malfoy said as she was heading outside to
the stands for the Second Task, trailing behind the others.
“What do you want, Malfoy?” she said, icily.
“Ooh, who’s angry now?”
“Oh, is this you outsmarting me?” she spat, making to move past him.
“Why, yes, Granger. Can't you tell?”
"What, are you here to brag, or is there another purpose?"
"Well, bragging is fun, but its certainly nothing compared to revenge."
"What?" Hermione cried. "Revenge! Those rumours...that was your revenge?"
"You didn't really think I'd let you off that easy, did you?"
"Well, no, I...I just thought..."
"Just thought what, Granger?"
"I --" she stammered, "I thought you might just..."
"Spare you?"
"No!" she cried, "I mean...I don't know. I hoped you might be decent for once.
I mean...at the Quidditch Cup..."
"You thought I was trying to actually save you?" said Malfoy incredulously.
"You actually thought there was meaning behind the sarcasm, didn't you?"
"There was! Why would you even bring it up if you didn't mean it? You were
concerned, even if you'd never admit! You were!"
Malfoy smirked at her. “Well, well, it is true, then? You’ve really come to
like me, then?”
Hermione felt a combination of both anger and embarrassment rise inside of her.
“Well – maybe you –“ the words escaped her, and she thought that maybe she
couldn’t face this kind of torment after all. And she began to wonder about how
she might’ve felt about him and what she might’ve been thinking in the first
place.
"You were the one who had to make this personal," said Draco now, "Did you
really expect me to lay back and do nothing? Did you expect me to spread
another trivial rumour after what you did? You brought this on yourself,
Granger!"
"Oh, did I?" she retorted, not turning around but stalking straight ahead
hurriedly.
"Oh, please, Granger! Don't tell me you're crying?"
She didn't answer. "You're kidding," said Malfoy flatly, annoyed.
"Just leave me alone!" she sobbed, now more apparent.
"Ha! You actually love me," sneered Malfoy. "You're crying over me! Am I that
intoxicating, Granger? Well, forget it, Granger. I guess you’ll just have to
get over me,” he said.
She stopped dead. A sickly hatred rose from her belly and she wanted to shout
at him that he was a stupid bastard, but she couldn’t seem to manage it. "Don't
give me that smug crap, Malfoy. I don't want to talk about it, okay? You'll
have to come back later."
"And when will that be? You're just gonna keep avoiding me, aren't you,
Granger?"
"Fine. Then you can meet me outside the Gryffindor common room tonight.
Midnight. If I don't show, I give you full permission to get up in my face as
much as you want."
"I'm holding you to that, Granger. Deal."
 
 
Shortly after the Second Task, Severus Snape received a note from Dumbledore.
“I received it this morning, Severus,” said Dumbledore as Snape looked down at
the note he’d just been given. The note said:
Come up to the Owlery at 7 o’clock pm on February 24th.
“This was delivered by a large tawny owl, quite different to the one we
normally have the pleasure of meeting in the Great Hall.” Dumbledore told him.
“It said at the top to pass it along to you. Perhaps Lupin wants to thank you?”
“Perhaps,” said Snape slowly, not looking up from the note, though there was
doubt in him that it was that simple. There was a brief silence between them.
“Very well,” said Dumbledore, seeming to accept that that was all he was likely
to get from Snape.
Finally taking his eyes off the note, Snape tucked it away in his robes and
prepared himself for the remainder of that day’s lessons to start.
 
 
After Hermione's ordeal under the lake, she began to realise just what an
effect she had on Krum, and she felt incredibly guilty, especially afterward
when she thought of how she had agreed to meet Malfoy that night.
She tried to ignore all these thoughts as they occured to her during class,
focus on her work like Malfoy was doing. And as she headed up the Gryffindor
common room with Harry and Ron, she wondered where all this was going. What
kind of conversation would they have the next time they spoke?
She was hardly paying attention to what Harry and Ron were saying as she walked
beside them, and gave rather non-committal answers when they tried to talk to
her. Eventually, they gave up.
Meanwhile, as it went on seven, Snape was heading up to the Owlery once more to
receive the letter he knew he was getting from Lupin, already visualising it
burning in his office. The letter he sent was the only letter he would be
sending Lupin. He never wanted to communicate with the man, but Lupin seemed to
be backing him into a corner; no doubt the plan all along.
The barn owl was already there, waiting for Snape when he arrived. He glowered
at the owl as he took the letter from the owl’s leg. He ripped open the letter
without looking at the envelope, taking out the letter to read it.
Dear Severus,
I’m so sorry I have been so much trouble for you. I never intended to cause you
distress.
This whole time, I had not known whether to keep sending you letters, worried
that it might just make you angrier, and at the same time afraid not to. But I
never imagined it would be this bad.
I am, however, delighted that you wrote. My last letter was going to be my last
attempt, and even if you don’t write again, I will understand. I was, however,
disheartened to earn that you were intentionally ignoring my plea to write.
I'm not going to ask why you are being so cruel, since the answer should be
painfully obvious, but this is not what you think it is. I don't intend to try
to get back what we once had, or to complicate your life any more than it is
now. I know its a lost cause, and that it will be years before we next meet.
But I've never been good at letting go of what I love, and I'm just trying to
fill the emptiness.
Haven't you ever felt that way about anyone?
Irrevocably yours,
Remus
Snape's usual anger at Lupin's letters was always surpassed by the next, and so
it was this time around. Lupin’s incessant apologies just irritated him, as he
knew they were empty, as was his rage at the thought of Lupin’s own happiness
now that he had replied.
He would burn it tonight, just like the others.
But even as he slept in his bed, his dreams already twisting under Lupin's
apology, two more beds remained empty. Draco Malfoy had left his own in advance
so that he could get there by midnight. He avoided all the main hallways, but
when he had no choice, he moved quickly and quietly, as he had been raised to.
Finally he made it. He only had to wait a few minutes before Hermione joined
him. She left the portrait slightly ajar and stood in the crack she had left,
crossing her arms across her chest. "Well, I'm here. Make your argument," she
said simply.
"Well, first you tell me what the real reason is that you've been avoiding me.
I mean, you were crying, Granger, and it wasn't because I was acting like a
bastard. Or because I spread embarrassing personal rumours about you. You were
defensive from the moment I spoke to you. Sure, that could mean you were
embarrassed, but experience tells me its not that simple. Experience, and that
fact you were crying."
"Okay, okay, I get it. I was crying. Is that a crime?"
"Yes," Malfoy teased. Hermione threw her hands up. "Look," said Malfoy, "you're
gonna have to face it some time. You do like me, don't you, Granger? Whether
you want to admit it or not."
She looked at him hatefully. "Do you? You keep saying it after all," she said
spitefully.
"We're dealing with rumours and gossip here, Granger. I have to play my part."
"Considering we're dealing with half-truths, though, and not blatant lies, how
do you know that your part and yourself aren't the same? How do I know that
your part isn't really your mask?"
"Have you forgotten about Snape?"
"I can tell you have," she said.
"Well, how do I know any of those things aren't your own position, then,
Granger?"
She couldn't let him see the softness of her feelings for him. They were still
enemies, so any weakness she may show would do more harm than good. Inside, she
was desperate not to believe it. But he had a point. "What do you want from me,
Malfoy? Are you just gonna keep doing this until I give in? What if you're
wrong?"
"I'm not."
"Sure," she said sarcastically.
"So what if I do keep going with this? Even if I am wrong, which I doubt,
what're you gonna do?"
"Does it ever end with you? When are you gonna stop challenging me to outdo
you? When does it stop?" cried Hermione.
"When I've won."
Hermione glared at him. "I'm going to bed," she said, and disappeared inside
the common room.
 
 
The days that followed, Lupin’s words also followed. He ignored them, of
course, but at times he found himself subconsciously responding to them, trying
to explain them away. Finally, he decided to just do it already so that he
might rest.
Lupin,
I was quite more than disappointed that I mightn’t have had to endure yet
another letter from you, but your words are transparent. You make out to
understand me, but you're just showing off, trying to make me accept you.
Surely you don't expect me to swallow that? You had your chance. If either of
us are in any state of torture, its your fault for starting this again.
As for my so-called cruelty, I am not so considerate of you that I had gone out
of my way to hurt you, so don’t get off thinking that I care that much in
either extreme.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape
PS. Do not send me anymore letters in response to this one. If you must, send a
fire message directly to my office.
After finishing the letter, he enclosed it in an envelope with Lupin’s own
address on the front, attached to Lupin’s owl and it flew off, more patient and
careful this time so it wouldn’t knock anything over.
Snape received his reply within the next few days of sending his own. The
message flew in through his fireplace in his office in the morning. The paper
was still repairing itself, but still cindering when he got there, so when the
message opened itself to reveal Lupin’s letter, the words were still stark
white.
Dear Severus,
I am glad that you are still writing to me. I don’t know why it is you are
doing it, but maybe you really do care more than you let on. I will never be
able to express how much that means.
But does this mean you might be willing to admit that this is torture to you,
too? I never did presume to ask why it is you're writing now, as opposed to
refusing to before. But if that's true, I might take it to reason that that
would be why.
But my fault, Severus? Are you truly that uncomfortable with the truth that
you'd pass the blame just as you had accused me of doing?
Hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Remus
As soon as he had finished reading the letter, it went back to its original
form once again and landed softly on his desk. The words that Lupin had written
swam around in Snape’s head and, he felt bitter that it was here, but this time
he could only blame himself. He realised that he had been the one to continue
this charade without any prompting whatsoever. Whatever Lupin said now was his
own fault as much as Lupin’s, but it still angered him to see that Lupin still
assumed things without any real proof about how Snape felt about him.
Yet regardless of knowing this and hating Lupin for it, he could not deny that
the fact that he'd even sent the letter in the first place was proof enough
that Lupin was getting under his skin. Was it simply happening all over again?
Was he being suckered into becoming close to him yet again, like he had so many
years ago? No, he had pulled himself free of that situation long ago. This had
to be something else…regardless; he could not let this go on.
He took the spell off Lupin’s letter and threw it back into the fire. And he
began his reply.
Lupin,
I don’t know why I continue to carry on this way, but it has to end. You will
not get the better of me and your pathetically polite façade will not win me
over this time. Don’t pretend you ever cared for me, because I know you do not.
And I am not denying anything, Lupin. It is you that still clings to hope, even
now, even when you won't admit it. You say you don't want to make my life
harder, or return to where we were, yet you still write these letters for such
reasons that makes me doubt your words.
This is my last letter. Don't send me a reply.
Sincerely,
Severus Snape
He scrunched it into a ball and set the spell upon it. He got up and moved over
to the fireplace, threw the Floo powder in and announced its destination,
picked up the ball, already warm in his fingers and threw it in.
 
 
The gossipy students were talking again, and this time it was about Malfoy’s
move, but the intensity with which they did talk was enough to make Hermione
more than a little nervous. She was afraid how people would see her now,
especially since most of them seemed to believe Rita Skeeter’s article too. So
either they believed she was involved with three guys at once (which was a
scary thought) or else the scandal varied between Harry and Draco.
Of course, it had been a while now since that first atrocious article was
published, so it made sense if the people who had heard about Draco would
believe it, thinking it outdated. But there was always going to be the majority
who believed that Skeeter woman and had assumed it was Harry. She smiled
despite herself, silently laughing to herself over Draco. There was nothing he
could do.
Sometimes she just tried to ignore the chatter, afraid of what she might hear,
but sometimes she would hear it anyway, or she would actually go out of her way
to listen to what it was that they were saying about her, merely out of
irritation. They rarely noticed her, unless she made herself obvious enough,
which worsened their opinions of her. That only happened once, though.
The first time she listened to a nearby conversation, she was subtle enough.
That particular occasion, the girls who were talking (a couple of Hufflepuffs)
had been speaking the way she had most feared to hear them speak of her. She
had been upset enough as a result that she immediately packed up and headed
straight back to the common room.
The second time had been the same. But this time she had quite literally turned
to look at them and leaned in, tempted to tell them off and miserably absorbed
in the conversation. When they spotted her, however, she had moved away,
embarrassed. She continued to study at her new spot, despite realising after
she did that she was on the other end of the same table as Malfoy; there were
few other places where she could escape the opinions of the people who were
still talking about her.
She couldn’t help looking up at Malfoy every now and then. She usually caught
his eye a few seconds after she looked at him, but as she looked down at that
exact moment that he looked up, he didn’t really notice. Eventually, though,
they both looked up at the same time and for the first time, she saw the glare
in his gaze.
“What’s your problem?” she said.
“Haven’t you been listening to the things they’ve been saying? They don’t think
its us, they all think its Potter, as usual! It can’t be helping his ego that
they all choose to think it was him that's the star yet again!” Malfoy hissed
to her.
“His ego? Harry doesn’t have an ego! And I haven’t heard anyone say they think
it was a lie! The people I’ve heard think I’m with all three of you!” retorted
Hermione.
“That still keeps Potter in the picture!” cried Malfoy. “Besides, I'm not even
in the article, either! Why should he get all the credit?” he demanded.
“You think he wants people to think that he’s some crybaby, or that he’s
completely got it for his best friend who goes around behind his back?”
“I think he’s completely absorbed in being famous that he probably wouldn't
care. Famous Harry Potter!” retorted Malfoy. "It doesn't help that everyone
seems to agree."
“He doesn’t even want to be famous! You're the one who wants that, you're the
one with the ego! And how did this conversation turn out to be about him,
anyway?” Hermione retorted.
“You were the one who asked, Granger! I only answered you, something I wouldn’t
even bothered with if it was one of your stupid friends!”
“Don’t you insult my friends!” cried Hermione, unconcerned with the various
eyes that were now focused on her and Malfoy by now.
“Who do you think you’re talking to, Granger?”
“Oh, of course!” Hermione cried. “All you seem to care about is yourself!”
"Out! OUT!" Madam Pince had returned urgently from the shelves behind her and
quickly kicked both Hermione and Malfoy out of the library.
As soon as she had disappeared back into the library, they looked once again at
each other. There was a brief, odd silence.
“Well, see you, Granger,” said Malfoy quickly and suddenly, immediately turning
his back on her and beginning walking away.
“What? Just like that?”
He looked back at her. “Of course. What did you expect, me to suddenly start
kissing you passionately again?” he teased. “Get your head out of the gutter.”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it! You saw just as surely as anyone else
what happened in there! You have nothing to say?”
“No, I don’t. What was I supposed to say? That I’ve never been yelled at
before? Please, Granger!” And he left.
She stood there for a few moments, staring at the spot where he had vanished
and thinking about what he had said and what had transpired, when someone
passed the spot she was staring at and she was pulled out of her trance. Then
she turned around and headed the other way.
Despite their parting outside the library, it wasn’t Hermione who was thinking
the most about their situation. Though she had lingered after Malfoy had
departed, after she left she didn’t think much more of him.
Malfoy, on the other hand, had cared much more than he let on. He couldn’t let
Granger know how he felt, especially after making the point of her liking him,
coupled with the fact that he hadn't even thought of Snape since she had
crossed the line -- a fact that had only come to light recently in his mind. As
much as he hated having to admit coming to like someone so much much more than
he'd care to admit, he couldn’t deny the thoughts swirling in his mind.
Malfoy did not focus as much on her for the next week, and just as well,
because she was too busy at that point swearing a vendetta against Rita Skeeter
by trying to find out how she was listening to private conversations. She
didn’t even see him in the library anymore.
Nor had she noticed that Krum had been there to witness her little outburst.
And though Malfoy would absolutely be loathe to learn it, but he no longer
believed them to be involved.
 
Snape received yet another letter from Lupin in that time, however. He
seriously considered not reading it, but he had to know what could have made
Lupin ignore his closing statements in his last letter.
Dear Severus,
I don't think I can accept that as the end without a just reason. How do I know
you're not just afraid of what has been happening between us lately? Come to
your office tomorrow evening. We can talk then. A full conversation. That is my
condition if I am to leave you alone.
Love,
Remus
Snape was not happy when he saw the underlying message. He did not want to
agree to do it, lest he end up with a worse problem than he needed. But if he
didn't, there was a possibility this might not end. The thought of having to
negotiate with the man infuriated him; he was not going to be the one to be
controlled! He couldn't let this thing slip out of his fingers.
Let him do his worst. If there was one aspect of this relationship he still had
control over, this was it. He composed his fire message to Lupin now, so that
he could directly deny him before he assumed Snape had agreed. He couldn't have
Lupin's head popping up in his office in the middle of the night.
Lupin,
Forget it. I will not submit to you this time. Do your worst.
Snape
 
 
Harry came in from the portrait hole one night later and told Hermione and Ron
all about how Krum had gone to the trouble of asking Harry if he was involved
with Hermione, how they had found Mr. Crouch and he had been jabbering on about
Dumbledore, about Voldemort, about Bertha Jorkins, his own son, and how he had
done something terrible…
This was highly suspicious and Hermione wondered if he really was up to
something like Sirius had said. She had spent time with Harry and Ron
discussing this, and she entirely forgot about her vendetta on Rita Skeeter for
the moment because, after what had happened, and others had advised it, she and
Ron started focusing on preparing Harry for the final task, even if it was
still a bit off from then.
But the beginning of this story only served to remind her about Krum and
Malfoy. And it showed her that Krum was beginning to buy into the stories too.
She had lost her influence, thanks to Malfoy.
If that weren't enough, she learned that forces were against her on this when
Hagrid had come to talk to her about Krum. He was trying to convince her to
dump him.
“Oh, I see! Just because you and Madam Maxime had a row!” she had retorted.
That was it. She had to find Malfoy. She searched everywhere she could think
of, and though she certainly found Snape, he didn’t know where he was either.
The only place she was unable to search was the Slytherin common room.
You didn't wait outside the common room of someone else unless you were known
to be connected to them, either as friends or as something more. And though
there were certainly rumours around that indicated exactly that, she wasn't
about to endulge them, lest the whole school should learn. Especially her other
friends.
Instead, she chose to wait and met him in the Great Hall the following morning.
It was only early, so she didn't think that approaching the Slytherin table
would be such a big deal.
“Granger! What are you doing here?” demanded Malfoy.
“I fancied a word.”
"What?"
"Congratulations," she said with a bitter tone. "He doesn't trust me anymore.
You've won. I know you're not playing anymore, but I just wanted to say
congratulations. For someone who didn't even stick around long enough to see --
"
"Did you really think he would?"
"He asked me to come with him to Bulgaria!"
"Would you have gone?"
Hermione was silent. "Well --"
"Forget it, Hermione, you didn't like him that way. You like me, remember?"
"Did you just...call me Hermione?"
Malfoy caught himself. "As if, Granger!"
"You did!"
"No, I --"
"You called me Hermione! Want me to it spread around?" she teased.
"Yes, I want you to spread it around," said Malfoy sarcastically. "No, of
course I don't! What do you think?"
"Well, maybe you ought to start being nicer to me from now on, then."
"I'm not gonna start doing whatever you say just because you think you have
something on me! If you want to start this up again, go ahead. But don't think
I'll forget that it will have been on your shoulders if you want to chicken out
later on."
She knew he was right. She didn't want to start a whole thing with this. "Oh
yeah, well...sorry...I mean --"
“You’re sorry?” Malfoy questioned her in disbelief.
“Well, you don’t have to be a jerk about it!”
“Granger – it’s what I do!” he retorted.
“Fine! I just won’t bother in future!”
“Wait –“
She froze, then turned to him. There was silence. “What?”
“I wasn’t actually making fun of you,” said Malfoy.
“What?” said Hermione in a softer voice.
“You heard.”
She turned around with a sweet expression on her face. “You actually care about
me enough not to --?”
“No,” he said. “I just wasn’t making fun of you."
 
 
The Third Task was now close at hand. Hermione and Ron were now working hard to
help Harry prepare rather revising for their upcoming exams, which Hermione
would normally have frowned upon if Harry weren’t in so much danger.
She and the other two had also spotted Malfoy doing something quite curious
too, but they couldn’t have been doing what it looked like they were doing, she
had concluded. Not unless they wanted to see whatever it was fail miserably.
But hardly a day afterwards, Rita Skeeter’s final article, if she had anything
to say about it, came into publish. It was about Harry’s scar, although she
made it look highly suspicious, and like Harry was into the Dark Arts. Hermione
still hadn’t been able to figure her out after all her researching though.
And then Harry said something that triggered an idea. She had to go to the
library to check, but she thought she might finally have got her his time. She
ran off at once so she wouldn’t forget, but also driven by the excitement of it
– same reasons she usually ran to the library for. She knew exactly which book
to check; she had been reading it a few days before, and it had touched upon
the subject.
It fit! She had her! Now she just had to capture her, the woman wasn’t big.
But Hermione just remembered she had her History of Magic exam now. Anxiously,
she hoped that Professor Binns wouldn’t take marks off for being late and
rushed off again to the classroom.
“What was that about, Granger?” asked Malfoy after the exam, sneering, just
coming outside. Apart from her, he was the only one who had finished early, but
she was still waiting for Harry and Ron, even if it meant putting up with
Malfoy again. “Running around Hogwarts like you were chasing your own shadow.
Or were you running from me?”
She knew what this last comment was about, and it was good to see he had lost
that sneer at the end of it. He had been avoiding her and now he was going to
throw it back at her. “You know I would never do that,” she said sarcastically.
“Very funny, Granger,” Malfoy retorted, “but it’ll take more than that to dodge
the bullet.”
"And what bullet is that?"
"The one where I find you out."
"Really? Got Rita Skeeter on your side?" she retorted sarcastically.
"Maybe I do!" he cried defiantly.
"You keep thinking that," she mocked.
“Grow up, Granger,” said Malfoy.
“Funny, I could say the same.”
Malfoy glared. “Stop playing games, Granger. You ran straight to the library
right before the exam, and then you had to run straight back here. You forget
something?” His sneer was back.
“Like I’m telling you what happened!”
“Fine, but just watch your back." And he walked off.
She stood up and was about to storm off when she noticed a strange-looking
beetle on the wall. Rita Skeeter!
As quick as she could, she conjured a jar and summoned Skeeter into it, sealing
it and casting a charm on it so that she could not transform. She smirked at it
angrily jerking around in there, and then stuffed the jar into her bag. Moments
later, the rest of the students came out of the classroom and Hermione quickly
forgot her pursuit of Malfoy to joined back up with her friends.
 
 
Meanwhile, Snape's situation with Lupin was worsening. He was now receiving
several fire messages a day and amongst it all, Snape had also found this
message on all of his fire messages for that night.
Dear Severus,
I don't want to have to keep this up. It's only going to get worse if you keep
ignoring me. I'm going to floo you tonight. If you're not there, I promise you
that I may let slip a secret of my own about you.
Remus
He had no choice. He had to talk to him. This time he would not be sending a
fire message to cancel his appearance. Nor messages of any other nature. He had
less power than Lupin in this, given they both knew what secret Lupin meant;
this was more Snape's secret than his, and there was nothing he could do to
prevent it but this. He would just have to be on his guard tonight.
“Hello, Severus,” greeted Lupin that night at ten.
"I take it it's important?" said Snape straight away.
Lupin looked for a moment at Snape. "You know what this is about. What do you
want from me, Severus? There's only so much I can do."
"The only thing I want from you is solitude."
"Do you enjoy living like that? Blind to the world and so set in your ways that
you don't live at all? What is life like living like that, Severus?"
"Do you enjoy living on the margins of society for the most part, with all the
pleasure of the prejudice on your head?" Snape retorted. "You are a mere
lovesick teen who is listened to by nobody but the headmaster who took him
under his wing. Don't think you know any better than me."
“Fine,” said Lupin. “But I was young, confused, so messed up in all the
conflict to decide what my true priorities were -- you saw how I handled my
friends. I never took responsibility --"
"-- You were a coward --"
"And I couldn't have known, at only thirteen, whom it was I truly loved. I
figured Sirius, a double threat of friend and lover, was sure to be the one.
But life isn't that simple. You can't just fall in love with a good friend and
be done with it."
"Indeed. It's too bad you couldn't have handled it better. You could've had
me."
"Don't be like that, Severus. I'm not the only one under Dumbledore's thumb.
Surely you must have a high opinion on second chances. After all, you made a
mistake too. We all trust you, Severus. Why can't you trust me?" asked Lupin.
"Why should I? You haven't changed since Hogwarts and you probably still have
feelings for Black, given the revelations of last year. You still lie to serve
your own selfish purposes. Why should I repeat the mistakes of the past?"
"I have changed, Severus. I'm not afraid as I was, and I'm ready to let you go.
Can't you see that?"
"I'm afraid you'll have to show me, Lupin."
Lupin looked up at Snape for a moment, then his head disappeared and a moment
later, he emerged from the fireplace. He had a determined gaze and a delighted
smile. "I take that as a challenge, Severus. How can I prove it to you?"
Snape lifted an eyebrow. "You think you can just waltz in and prove yourself
just like that?"
"For the sake of the challenge, let's say yes. What would you have me do?"
"Perhaps I would have you answer a few choice questions. For example, what is
the worst secret you could think of telling me?"
This caught Lupin off-guard. "What? I can't tell you that!"
"Then get out of my office," Snape retorted.
"Severus! You can't be serious!"
"If you knew me, you'd know I am always serious. And you, it appears, are a
hypocrite. Not that I'm surprised."
"No, no, Severus, I'm not, I'm..." Lupin paused, then sighed. "Fine. I'll tell
you. I'm...I'm...okay, I truthfully never...got over...Sirius. I'm sorry,
Severus."
"I knew it. I can't trust you. Get out." And he waved off Lupin as he threw
himself towards the door.
"Severus, you've got it all wrong! I don't love him, I just --"
"You'd just go running off to him at the first opportunity."
"No, I wouldn't, I --"
"You wanted a reason, you have one. Goodbye, Lupin." And he slammed the door
behind him, leaving Lupin in the chaos he created.
 
 
Hermione spotted Malfoy watching her up to the time of the Third Task, but this
no longer bothered her; he had nothing on her now. They didn’t talk again for a
while, instead maintaining a distant relationship. That was just fine for
Hermione, and the final Task arrived quickly.
Content among the audience, even though she could still feel those blue eyes on
her back, Hermione watched Harry’s and the other champions’ procession into the
newly formed maze.
She had since only seen him briefly after he came out, but then didn’t see him
again until late at night as he entered the hospital wing with Dumbledore.
Bill, Ron and Mrs. Weasley had been there too. Dumbledore had said not to ask
him what had happened inside the maze, and she could respect that, but she was
awfully worried about it nonetheless.
After allowing him to dress behind the bed curtain, Hermione and the Weasleys
settled by his bed until he went to sleep, when she remained there with the
Weasleys for the next fifteen minutes, before deciding to step out for a bit.
When Hermione returned, she, along with most others in the room, was deeply
dispiteful of the events some hours later. Leave it to Fudge not to understand.
They were facing a parting of the ways, as Dumbledore had put it, and the
future never looked more uncertain.
[End Chapter]
***** Distrust and Cover-ups *****
Chapter Summary
     Sirius and Snape compete for Lupin; and Draco terrorises Hermione
This was Dumbledore's arrangement, with those who would be staying at the house
and those who would leave afterwards. By the time that the Order of the Phoenix
had their second meeting, Hermione and the Weasleys had gotten well settled in
Number 12, Grimmauld Place. They would not be the last.
Everyone stayed afterwards to eat. Dumbledore still wanted Sirius and Snape to
get along.
Hermione arrived at Grimmauld Place a short time after the Weasleys. She
arrived around lunchtime, and she found herself greeted by Mrs Weasley at the
doorway. She, of course, made a big fuss over her and soon Hermione found
herself surrounded by Weasleys and familiar friends.
Both her and Lupin were in the back of the group when they headed down to eat.
She looked across at him as they walked side by side, smiling.
Directly in front of her, Ron dived into stories of what she had missed while
the Weasleys were there without her. She was only half-listening, swept up in
her happiness of being with loved ones. She looked over at Lupin beside her,
and he smiled broadly at her, but she could still see the distance in his eyes.
Her smile faded slightly, concerned. She worried about him; she couldn’t figure
out why.
They got to the dining room and Sirius, who had fronted the group, caught her
eye. He shot a glare at a dark figure in the corner. Snape was sitting there,
glaring back. Sirius moved away from Snape, avoiding his eye.
Clearly, Lupin had enough drama in his life to worry about as it was, never
mind under the same roof.
Her being there might well complicate the situation even more. Ever since the
end of third year, responsible though she was, she still had the potential to
worsen the situation. She knew that at least Sirius probably didn’t know about
any of her or Malfoy's involvement in Lupin's life, but still.
Draco Malfoy, if he had any business being here, was probably the one person
who could make this situation into a worst case scenario. Luckily, he wasn't
here.
When Ron noticed her looking at Snape, he told her, “He doesn’t even want to be
here, but Dumbledore’s trying to make him get on with everyone. Says he wants
Snape to at least try it. Wish he’d just let the great dirty git leave
already,” before continuing his story.
It was strange seeing Snape sitting at the same table as everyone else. And
when Lupin sat down near Snape, she noticed that there was considerable tension
between Lupin and the two men, too; as she looked between them, there was worry
on his face, because now Sirius was paying much more attention to Snape with
Lupin sitting next to him. Snape was also visibly glaring at both of them.
Several times it seemed like one of them was going to say something, or yell
something, but each time they remained silent, seeming to remember where they
were.
Hermione didn’t find it likely that only she noticed this, but nobody seemed to
react to what was happening. They may well have just been ignoring it. She
found it astounding how ignorant people were.
Yet, after fading into the background for a short while to eat and try to think
of other things, she suddenly looked up to see all three men leaving the table.
Alarmed and curious, it occurred to her that this was why they didn't seem to
notice; they didn't want to see it. Ignorance is bliss.
Not to her. Hermione decided to follow.
"Sorry, Ron," who was just in the middle of an anecdote, "I'll be right back.
Bathroom."
"What do you mean?" asked Ron as Hermione got up. "I was just talking!"
"Sorry, Ron," she apologised again, leaving. Thankfully, he did not follow.
They were heading up the stairs, and she hung back to let them finishing
climbing before following. At the foot of the stairs, she saw them all enter a
room. She crept up the stairs, rather unstealthily but still unnoticed, and
listened at the door.
"-- What were you thinking, Remus? Even after --"
"You know, it may not have occurred to you, Black, but this house is full of
nosy children who would like nothing better than to stick their noses where
they don't belong. You might want to cast a charm before you begin mouthing
off."
Swearing under her breath, she was about to go back to the dining room when she
caught sight of Crookshanks down the hall chewing on what appeared an ear.
Curious, she furrowed her eyebrows, approaching to take it off him, and noticed
a string sticking untouched out of it.
She eyed it suspiciously before pulling the ear from Crookshanks' grip and put
it near her own ear. She couldn't hear distantly through it, so she pressed
right in. She could hear licking, and looked down to see Crookshanks now
ignoring her and the string to begin licking his fur.
She smiled, and crept back down the hall to the first door and placed the
string by the crack at the bottom of it.
"Well, Black," came the distinct voice of Snape, his voice dripping with
sarcasm, "Maybe you should have marked your territory, as I am under the
impression that dogs do." Hermione wondered what she'd missed.
"And maybe you should crawl on back to your dungeons, like the ugly gargoyle
you are," Black retorted.
"Stop it," said Lupin. "Could I just get a moments say, please?"
Silence. "I know you hate each other," Lupin began, "but is it too much to ask
to put your swords away? We can settle this like adults, can’t we?”
“Well, I don’t know about Snivellus…--“ began Black.
"You and Potter were never the adults, and yet you accuse me --?"
"James and I were much better than you, at least! We didn't practice Dark Magic
-- "
"Sirius, please," said Lupin.
“Indeed, Black, you weren’t so innocent yourself,” added Snape. "Jokes by no
means constitute murder!"
“You would’ve deserved it!”
“Sirius!” cried Lupin. There was a surprising anger in his voice.
"Do you really think so, Black?" said Snape after a moment. "After all this
time? No wonder Lupin doesn't want you." A short pause. "Threatening me with
your wand, Black? Alone? I'm surprised you're man enough for that!" boasted
Snape.
"Now who's being overconfident?"
"You mean arrogant, don't you! You would say that --"
"Stop it!" Lupin cried again. "I'm sorry you had to see those letters, Sirius.
And as for the past, Severus, can't you just leave it there for once? What
Sirius did was inexcusable, but --"
"Remus, surely you're not on his side --?"
"I'd say anyone with common sense would have to be, Black. Whether you want to
see it or not --"
"So I'm mental, is that what you're saying?"
"I think the term is 'barking' --"
"Very funny --"
"Indeed," said Snape. "I don't think you really register the evil of what you
did, even now. The question is what will it come to this time? All you care
about is the threat I present."
"Severus, Sirius," said Lupin. Silence stretched out before them. Hermione grew
more nervous from her listening spot every moment.
Suddenly, the door swung sharply open and before she had the chance to react,
Snape was standing frozen before her.
"Miss Granger." It was only then she realised how heavily she was breathing.
Soon, Sirius and Lupin emerged behind him. "Hermione!" said Lupin. Sirius just
stared at her.
"What did you hear?" Snape quickly demanded at once.
"Everything," she said, not thinking. "I mean, no… just you and Sirius
insulting each other."
Snape's glare bared down on her even harder, but before he could speak again,
Sirius spoke across him and aggressively said, "Hermione, you cannot tell this
to anyone! Got it?"
"Yes," she said, alarmed.
He nodded.
"But that doesn't mean I agree."
"Miss Granger, you have been present at a number of private occasions in the
past," said Snape. "Are you simply nosy, or are you just always in the wrong
place at the wrong time? Regardless, I think that if you refuse to behave, I
may be forced to use magic."
"Now surely there's no need for that, Severus!" said Lupin, alarmed.
"I will not have things falling out of control anymore, Lupin. I don't why I
listened to you in the first place."
"She has held her silence for me before. I don't see why she would not continue
now." He turned to Hermione. "Right, Hermione?"
Hermione hesitated, eyes fixed on Lupin. "Yes."
Snape continued to glare at her through the silence, distrust clear on his
face.
“Severus –“
"This is the last time," said Snape.
He moved past her, out the door. Sirius followed. Lupin smiled at Hermione.
"Thank you," Lupin said.
"Anytime," Hermione replied, smiling uneasily. In honesty, she was worried
about him. She felt like she should tell someone, to do something to help
him...
Then Lupin said, "I’d better follow. Make sure they keep civilised."
Hermione suddenly registered the implications of this. Lupin was moving past
her. She followed him back to the dining room. It was less crowded now. Sirius
was sitting down, looking complacent.
"Sirius, where's Severus?" asked Lupin at once.
"Left," he said.
"What?" demanded Lupin, taken aback. "Why? What happened?"
"Nothing happened, more. He left because of her." He was now looking
intentionally at Hermione as if to explain whom 'her' meant. Lupin was now
looking at her too. She looked helplessly back, unsure of what to do.
But she thought this was also all rather tactless for Sirius to say, and was a
little mad at him for saying it. One look at Lupin’s face said it all. Here he
was, unsure and upset, and here was Sirius, rubbing it in his face.
“Why did you let him?” Lupin looked into Sirius’ face.
Sirius shrugged. “Seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”
Neither man said anything more. After a few moments, Hermione allowed herself
to speak. “Remus…?”
He looked at her then, and forced a smile. “Don't worry. I'm alright, Hermione,
but I appreciate the concern."
She knew that meant he was keeping up appearances when he said that. She knew
he was lying, but she went along with it. She forced her own smile and said,
“Okay.”
After that, Snape didn’t stick around much after meetings. Hermione thought
that it was a shame Snape couldn’t get along with Lupin, at least Lupin seemed
to relax a bit more, so she was fine enough with this.
Ron grinned at her. “What did you do?”
Ron was so impressed with her that he wouldn’t shut up about her. It was only
too good that he got tired of talking about her when Harry finally arrived at
the house. The Ministry had tried to get Harry expelled, but Dumbledore had
sorted that out. Just an example of the way they were going these days...
 
 
 
The introduction of their newest Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher only
deepened her distrust of them. All of a sudden, it seemed like the Ministry was
everywhere.
On top of that, the combination of their private past and this year's newfound
authority meant that Malfoy was more obnoxious than ever. Now he was constantly
showing off his new powers and hunting her down in hallways, and she became
more disgusted with him all the time.
"You do realise that I'm a prefect too, right?" she shot as he tried to heckle
her in the halls.
"Should I be surprised?"
"You should realise that there is no point flaunting your new powers to people
who also have them. Who are you trying to impress?"
"I'm not trying to impress you, Granger. Although it doesn't hurt showing my
fellow Slytherins who to root for."
"Or suck up to?"
"As a matter of fact, yes, Granger," said Malfoy. "So I'd be careful not to get
on the wrong side of me. You might think you have the same advantage with your
house, but you don't. You can't play that game like I can, Granger. You're not
exactly the type to get people on your side easily."
"I think I've proven that I can hold my own against you, Malfoy," she retorted,
"After all, Krum never even suspected who I was supposed to have been seeing
behind his back, according to you."
"Not so fast," said Malfoy. "Prefects have the right to search a student if
they feel they are carrying illegal or smuggled goods."
"I'm a prefect!" she cried. "And you need to have proof! What would make you
think I have anything, Malfoy?"
"Well, Crabbe here saw you distinctly carrying around a Fanged Frisbee the
other day, as did a whole other lot of witnesses."
"I had confiscated it from a Housemate!" she cried.
"That's your story. But Pansy Parkinson's word sees you playing with it in the
hallway."
"Pansy Parkinson? You can't trust a word that girl says about me!"
"Are you disregarding a fellow students rights, Granger?"
"What?" cried Hermione, "No, I...there had to be plenty of other people there
to disprove that claim!"
"Can you name any of them, Granger?"
She was silent.
"Crabbe, Goyle, search her."
Snape hated latecomers. He berated her as she entered, but being the man he
was, he wasn’t going to end there.
“And where do you think you are going, Miss Granger?” he asked her then.
“Um…to go sit with Harry and Ron?” she replied.
“No, no, I’m afraid not.” He spied Malfoy out of the corner of his eye, and
then looked back at her. “As punishment for your lateness, Miss Granger, I want
to go sit with Malfoy for the remainder of this lesson.”
She wanted to argue, as Harry and Ron burst out doing as soon as Snape said
this, but she remained silent and did as he said without complaint. She knew
arguing would only worsen her situation.
“Is this amusing for you?” she asked coolly, though a note of scorn had edged
in.
Malfoy smirked. “Why, yes, it is, Granger,” he said smugly. “You got a problem
with that?”
“No,” she said, trying to sound indifferent.
Malfoy smirked wider. “Trying to pretend you don’t care, are you, Granger?
That’s okay. Guess I’ll just have to try harder.”
She just glared. “You know what I think? I think you're just trying to hold
onto this twisted sort of relationship because its all you'll ever have of me.
If you win or lose, either way it's over, and all that's left are hollow
insults drifting between us from time to time.”
"Is that so, Granger? Are you sure that's not what you're afraid of?”
She focused on her potion, trying to think of something else, until she
realised her silence would be like confirmation for Malfoy. “Even if it is, I'd
say that with the way you've been acting, it's not far off your own fears,
either.”
She finally had a break from him at lunchtime, but that wasn’t going to last
long. The Slytherins were already chasing her down as she left the Great Hall
for Arithmancy. They did this right up to the end of the day, when she was able
to disappear inside Gryffindor Tower.
She was glad when that day was over.
There was much more to it than simple threats and posturing. In
Transfiguration, she spotted Malfoy trying to take the mickey out of her from
across the room. She was perfectly content to let him do this, until she came
out of class and they were still chasing her around to tease her.
He followed her for weeks.
 
 
 
Lupin no longer bothered to call Snape via the fire. Instead, he used the two-
way mirrors all Order members received to contact one another. The mirror was
the better bet, because Snape always had it on him; he couldn’t not, after all.
And with the fires being monitored by the Ministry, it was one of the few
communiqués left available.
Lupin usually had to check whether any Order members were listening. They were
used to speaking privately, and both men preferred it that way. They’d usually
receive warning whether someone was trying to contact either one of them,
because the mirrors would flash. He always had to scan the mirror to check if
anyone was listening in.
“Hello, Severus,” said Lupin the first it had come up. “I just wanted to
apologise about Sirius –“
“Save your breath --"
"Severus, you have every right to be suspicious of me, but you should know it
is my... condition...that makes me cling so desperately to you --"
“Your condition?” repeated Snape silkily. “You think that I hate you for that
reason? Because it’s more than that. Your cowardice, your relationship with
Black, your secrecy --"
"Severus, I'm not afraid of --" Snape silenced Lupin with a look. "Then what is
it? I know you still hide things from me. You claim to want to be close, and
yet you would not grant me the same courtesy that you would expect from me in
such a situation. You are still a hypocrite, even if you never had gone back on
just one secret."
Lupin looked surprised. "Would you like me to share more of my secrets, in
exchange for some of your own?"
Snape paused. "That would be foolish at best."
"And at worst?"
He knew what Lupin was trying to do. Still, he’d be damned before he’d start
listening to Lupin again, to trust him as he knew full well from experience
that he could not. He had not even been let down just once, and each offence
was inexcusable. There was a good reason he didn’t trust.
"Recklessness."
Lupin looked at him for a moment, as though analysing his features.
“I think you're more fragile than you let on. Lily was your best friend, yet it
was still extreme, the way you reacted to her rejection. The way you grew
jealous of my friends' company showed me how obsessive you were, for someone
who claimed to not to be so attached. You are as bad as I am --”
“I've heard enough. You expect me to trust you because we're equals? Hardly a
flattering argument, after all it comes down to,” said Snape coldly.
"And why is that, Severus?"
"Because I am not an idiot, Lupin. You are too predictable, and I know just
what you'll do. Your deepest nature demands it of you. So before you ask me to
trust again, first take a good look at yourself, and do not call me upon a
whim."
With everything going on in his head, even though the days this year didn’t
stretch nearly as long as they had done last year, they certainly made him,
too, suffer just as much as he made Lupin suffer. This was his brand of
personal justice, even though it mostly only satisfied his current displeasure
over Lupin.
His pairing Hermione with Malfoy on Wednesday in Potion class had been done as
much to keep their attention off of him as the fact that if he was miserable,
then he would drag whoever he could down with him.
The mirrors weren't the only mediums which Snape, Lupin and the other Order
members used to communicate. Every month, Snape usually flooed to London,
making his way to Grimmauld Place, for his reports to the Order and his
deliveries of the Wolfsbane Potion to Lupin, who usually stuck around for a few
days to soothe his friend's boredom.
This semi-regular schedule felt like Lupin's old teaching post all over again,
even if only half as bad. Snape didn't complain, because he didn't go for
Lupin's sake. He focused intently and solely on his duties for the Order,
before leaving.
But despite this, that wasn't exclusively what happened.
Sirius Black and Severus Snape were never always going to get along, but with
everything else that had happened so far that year, it was hardly helping that
they had to work together in the Order to restrain themselves.
Black cracked first, in the middle a meeting. Dumbledore had just shifted
attention to Snape, who was ready to give his report.
"Am I the only one in this room who distrusts this man?" he cried.
"Nobody cares about your petty opinions, Black," said Snape. "I am risking my
neck while you are hiding in this old festering home of pure-blood inbreeds,
therefore I think it is my loyalty we will be trusting, not your deranged
accusations."
Black made to stand up so quickly that nobody saw him coming. He actually
rocked the table, and a noise ripped from his throat loud enough to ring in
everyone's ears. "Don't speak of what you don't know, Snape!" he cried.
"And what is it that I should know? That you really contribute to the Order by
being here? Don't make me laugh! You were always too self-important to do
anything for anyone, weren't you, Black?" Snape sneered, scowling as he said
the last sentence.
"Severus," said Dumbledore, before Black could throw a retort. "You aren't to
start any fights with Sirius. Do you understand?"
Black sneered at Snape. "Got your boss making your decisions for you?"
"If you are truly free of Dumbledore yourself, Black, why don't you just run
out into the streets now and show people how you play beg?"
"At least I have people in my life who care about me. You could die tomorrow
and nobody would care, only then we would be one spy less in this war."
"Then why do you always look so lonely in this old house, Black?" retorted
Snape. "Dogs may be man's best friend, but certainly you are the exception,
with no one ever around to scratch your ears. Nor do you deserve them."
"Then you deserve even less!" said Black.
"Sirius, stop," interjected Dumbledore, other Order members soon following in
protest.
No one noticed Lupin's own protest through the din, though, but it had meant
something. He couldn't stand hearing the malice in Black's voice, although the
things Snape was saying were bad enough to equal it. But in the end, the
protests meant little to the two men.
Lupin's own name even got thrown in somewhere, and for a moment, Lupin's
stomach dropped as thoughts of secrets revealed ran to the forefront of his
mind. He wanted their relationship concealed no less than Snape or Black, after
all.
He knew there were people unaccustomed, or worse, uninviting to the prospect.
He wouldn't take that chance. It was a rejection that he couldn't stomach.
But this moment was not his fear, just a moment of sickly horror as the
sentence stuck out in his mind: "You less deserve your relationship with Potter
than you are of Lupin after weaponising him against me!"
 
 
Things returned to the way they were since she'd discovered his secret two
years ago. Two years ago... He didn't seem to have a single thing, not even an
insult, to spare Hermione, just an unvoiced understanding.
Only, she didn't understand, not this time. No doubt this was designed to make
her paranoid, but Hermione was pleased to discover for herself that she was
losing her nervousness as the silence stretched out between them.
She was able to relax. She knew it was fleeting, but she couldn't help but feel
relieved to have a bit of peace between them for once. She was tired of all the
games.
And then, of course, she began to think. She started to wonder why she heard no
more than a 'Granger' from him, and think, 'just what is he doing now?'
She even began to miss him. It was like withdrawal.
He started to really hate her, and she caught him glaring at least three times
a day. She often took to counting them off, it became so predictable.
Whenever she saw him, she felt like marching up to him and demanding what was
going on. She'd look at him, and see it all happening in her head, staring at
him as the daydream took shape. But soon she'd get bored and wake up, and she'd
hold her tongue; she couldn't let him win, she knew that was what he wanted, so
she'd just dig herself deeper in her homework that night, or try to busy
herself with fixing Harry and Ron's studying.
Of course, neither of them could do anything while Umbridge was around, not
even Malfoy, but he found his ways. In reality, she never noticed how often he
did it; in three years, he had kept in the shadows, not unlike her, and she had
never even given that a second thought, only ever scorned him for it. But this
was his territory, it was where he lived, and she should've seen that so much
earlier.
For someone as brilliant as she could be, she was a real idiot sometimes.
It wasn’t until Sunday that she directly heard from Malfoy. While Harry and Ron
were catching up with their work in the common room, she was out of Gryffindor
Tower enjoying her free time. That was, until she saw Malfoy headed straight
for her.
“What is it, Malfoy?” Hermione snapped, annoyed.
"So I'm back to being Malfoy?" said Draco. "What's the matter, you don't like
me anymore?" he teased. As he got nearer, his blank look spreaded into a smirk.
"Did I ever?"
"You're the one who made this happen, you're the one who deserved it more,"
said Draco.
"I knew it! You have been spying on me, haven't you, Malfoy? Well, you're just
jealous. You've always hated Harry for his fame, haven't you?"
"You just can't get over me, can you? Let's play it your way then. Win or lose,
how about it, Granger?"
"What a convenient cover for your real intentions," replied Hermione.
"And what would those be?"
"That you just want to screw with me. Why should I believe a word you say?"
"You can't even tell the difference me liking you and growing a nasty habit."
"Isn't it the same thing as far as you're concerned?" said Hermione. "Go ahead,
lie to yourself. If you let yourself be fooled by it, you're more naive than I
gave you credit for."
"Would you really take that chance, Granger? Would you want to pass up a
potential opportunity to be rid of me?"
"I'm not a idiot; you're planning something. I'm not falling for it."
"Aren't you?" said Malfoy. "Well, I'm sure there's always worse things I can
convince the Slytherins to do..."
Then it occurred to her. Draco was mad because Harry had denounced Draco's
father as a Death Eater. What else could it be?
"I'm sorry, Draco, but he was telling the truth. Are you going to punish him
for that?"
"You're as much a liar as me, so don't go acting all noble."
She rounded on him. "You are so full of it," she shot.
"I thought you knew that already? I want to mess with you," he retorted.
"Get lost, Malfoy. You've obviously got a specific tactic in mind. I'm tired of
you writing me off, frankly. What do you want? Just give it a rest," she
scorned.
Malfoy smirked. "Glad you asked, Granger, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait to
find out. Meet me by the Whomping Willow this evening, eleven o'clock."
"What for, a late night rendezvous?"
"Shut it, Granger. Just be there."
 
 
 
Hermione didn't know why she was even considering it. For all she knew, Malfoy
might just be using this as an opportunity to ambush her with the Slytherins
and avoid the consequences. But then again, this really might be a rendezvous,
and he might snog her. She'd rather take the ambush; at least that was
familiar.
Since Harry wasn't using the Cloak, it seemed a waste not to borrow it. While
he was still downstairs studying with Ron, she snuck it from his trunk to hers.
It was lucky that it was Sunday; no one stayed in their dormitory on the
weekend. Harry wasn't going to miss it if he didn't know it was gone. The fact
that it was invisible had to help in disguising that fact.
So that night she stayed up until she noticed it was already half past ten, she
slipped on the Cloak and she ventured out on Hogwarts grounds, making her way
down to the Whomping Willow.
While she waited, she twisted around the Cloak the other way around so that it
become visible and wore it over her shoulders in an attempt to shield her from
the cold. There she stood, waiting, occasionally looking to the moon which
seemed to remind her of Lupin. Considering as it was his transformation night,
it wasn't surprising.
She wondered where he was now. She still remembered when he had transformed
right here two years ago.
And Draco knew none of this.
Finally, he arrived. He seemed to take forever as he approached her.
"So I'm here," she said at once. "What is your little game this time?"
Malfoy smirked. "Well, Granger, I'm guessing this place holds some meaning for
you? When Lupin was found harbouring the criminal, Sirius Black, you were here.
And this was the entrance of the hideout."
She whipped towards him. "What? How did you find out? That was never made
public!"
"Rumour, Granger. Snape told Fudge, and he was more than a bit mad at the time
to say the very least. But then of course Fudge hushed the whole thing up with
the Prophet. Snape was certainly loud enough to let more than a few overhear
him, though. People will believe anything if you tell them to."
"So how does that fit into tonight?"
"You're going to lead me through that entrance and then you're going to tell me
everything."
"About that night?"
"Everything."
She eyed him wearily. "Why would I do a thing like that? It's not worth it,"
she said.
"Because if you don't," said Malfoy, "I'll drive you out of this school."
"You can't do that, Malfoy. You don't have that much power," she said, and
started walking off.
"Scared, Granger? Hiding something, are you?"
She turned back to him. "You're not going to change my mind, Malfoy. Do what
you want. I'm not scared."
"You should be. Unless you want your good reputation ruined."
"What are you talking about, Malfoy?"
But he said nothing, just gazed at her suggestively.
"Oh, all right, I'll see what you want first."
Using her wand, she prodded the knot. "Come on, then," she said, and with a
flourish, lowered herself inside the passage, followed closely by Malfoy.
He was rather closer than was comfortable, and she realised that the passage
was somewhat smaller than last time.
"Cozy," commented Malfoy rather drily. She must've imagined that he winked at
her.
"Shut up. Just come on," she retorted, and started moving down the passage.
Hermione increasingly felt crowded by Malfoy as they furthered into the
passage, as he seemed to feel it necessary to keep the same position against
her back. She knew it had to be that he just wanted to annoy her, but there was
so many other things he could do...
"Oh, would you just stop it?" she snapped when they had nearly reached the end
of of the passage. Inwardly, she cursed herself for losing her patience so
close to the end.
"Stop what, Granger? I'm not doing anything," he teased her.
"Very funny," she mumbled, moving to the end and begging her brain to stop
acting so senseless. She tried to ignore him, but predictably, he wouldn't let
her.
"No really, Granger, what am I doing?" She could hear the smirk in his voice.
"Nothing, Malfoy, just forget it!"
"No," said Malfoy seriously now. "Why are you trying to?"
"Because its not important," she snapped. She emerged from the passage and
stood up, followed by Malfoy.
"Logic is such a tedious thing. Why don't you just spit it out!"
"Because you'll probably find some way to use it against me! It isn't tedious,
its very useful."
"Logic is tedious. And I know that's hard to accept for someone like you, but
get used to it," Malfoy said.
Well, she stood by it; logic was a thing she relied on, was something she could
trust, and always did.
"Well, look who's talking! Like you don't hide everything you feel for the sake
of secrets and lies!" cried Malfoy. "I lie to others. The way you carry on, one
might suggest your lies go beyond that."
"What do you mean, I'm lying to myself?" she cried.
"We'll find out soon enough."
"What do you mean, 'we'll find out soon'?"
Malfoy smirked. "Have you ever played Truth or Dare?"
Hermione blinked. "What?"
"I told you it was win or lose. Think of it as a bet. It is; its just that the
stakes are much higher, and the first one to cave is the loser. And I thought
what better place to start than the Shrieking Shack."
"A bet?" she spat. "You expect me to bet on my own relationship?"
"I thought it wasn't a relationship."
"Yeah, well... it's not."
He smirked. "Yeah, sure. But you gotta admit, it is fitting."
"Fitting," she repeated. "Especially considering I'm the only one of us that's
been here before." It wasn't an agreement; it was an accusation. "And I suppose
you know just where you want to strike first."
"And you can't back out once you agree."
"Of course," she retorted.
"You've come this far."
"Curiosity," she said, following his logic.
"Exactly. I told you logic is tedious. It's much more fun to follow your
instincts. And they're pointing straight at me."
"If that's true, then agreeing to this would already mean you win, because
you'll have made me distrust my logic."
"So which will you distrust more, your instincts or your logic?"
"You," snapped Hermione.
"That's not an answer."
"Sure, just because you don't like it," said Hermione. "I'm leaving."
He caught her arm. She looked back at him.
"Let go of me."
"You're an idiot," he told her, and she yanked her arm away, running out the
door.
And her mind was free to think, in the silence away from Malfoy, about all of
this. How everything had become a game between them. How earlier in their
relationship she had insisted that it wasn't, and had been disgusted that he
had taken to think as much, yet how much more different was she now?
The power play, the strategic placement of insults, challenging the others'
wits through a look or a word, the sneaking around through subtle means, such
as this, to see what the other is feeling...
Now let's see what she could get from this.
 
 
 
"Remus --"
Where Lupin had suggestively taken a huge step in towards Snape, as though to
make his point, Snape and Lupin now paused as Snape handed over the mysterious
bottle. They stared at the intruder.
"Sirius," said Remus.
"Black," acknowledged Snape, before hastily pushing away from Lupin and
retreating out the door.
He had been far too close to Lupin for Black's comfort. Almost chest to chest.
"I suppose he was just here to drop off your wolfsbane?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, he was."
"I suppose that was all he was doing?"
"It was until I talked to him," Lupin answered vaguely. He wasn't saying any
more than that.
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing important."
"Remus! --"
"It's my business," Lupin said. "I know you wouldn't want to go poking around
in my business, Sirius, I mean more to you than that. At least, I should hope
so."
"I should hope I meant more to you than keeping secrets."
"You want me to tell you my secrets?" asked Lupin. "You really want to know?"
He took a deep breath. He needed to prove this to himself. "Severus and
I...have history. More than you know of, Sirius. I was so afraid of losing you
all as friends, that I couldn't tell you a thing. But I hated the way you
treated him, and..."
The look on Black's face froze up. Lupin took a deep breath and closed his
eyes, "...and I was closer to him than just a classmate. We..."
Lupin opened his eyes. Black was frozen in disbelief. "Its not important," said
Lupin.
"Yes it is," said Black. "Were you friends?"
"Yes," replied Lupin.
"More?"
Lupin said nothing. He couldn't bring himself to answer.
There was silence between the two of them for a moment. Black stared at the
guilt in his friend's eyes, something more than guilt. Something clicked.
"You -- didn't!" he cried.
Sirius looked unflinchingly back at Lupin while he freaked out. "I'm sorry,
Sirius -- it was years ago -- while we were still at school!"
"That explains a lot," said Black. "Won't you look at me?" he said, "Or are you
that embarrassed. I never pegged him as gay --"
"He's not," he said.
"How can you say that? You slept with him --"
"A shrewd observation," said Lupin fairly. "But he's not."
 
 
 
After recent events of almost getting caught by Umbridge and getting Sirius
caught and everything else that was going on lately, Hermione finally conceded
that it was impossible to put her personal life on hold forever.
In the back of her mind, Malfoy had been turning around and around in her head.
Their fleeting excursion to the Shrieking Shack, the things he had said to her.
Logic is tedious. What did he mean by it? Was he right?
It was Sunday, well into winter and not long before lunch, when Malfoy saw
Hermione and her bushy brown hair clearly trudging towards him across the pale
background. He sneered at her as she got nearer, and she just glared in
response.
"It's about time you came," Malfoy called when she came within earshot.
"You've been waiting for me, have you? Why didn't you just seek me out
yourself? You know we haven't got long until the end of term."
"I knew you'd come. I didn't know you'd wait all week. And close to the
afternoon."
"What can I say? I liked the peace. And I had homework to do. I knew it
couldn't last."
"I'm sure you're right," Malfoy smirked, although looking a bit put off by how
she was looking at him. "Well, don't think you'll be able to keep it."
"Don't you dare even try it," Hermione warned him tensely. "Why are you doing
this, Draco? What do you have to gain?"
"Keep complaining, Granger, that'll really help," said Malfoy sarcastically.
"You want me to stop, then tell me what you're hiding."
So that was it! Hermione thought. The only thing she was hiding, in truth, was
their secret DA meeting in Hogsmeade, and no way she was telling him that.
"No," she said.
"That big, is it? Well, this could be fun."
"Dammit, Malfoy, will you just stop?" she cried.
"Sorry, Granger, can't do that. Don't worry, though, it won't be public stunt;
those are just for laughs. Secrets and lies, now aren't they more fun?"
She glared him down until she just couldn't take it anymore. She stormed out.
 
 
 
'What do you want, Lupin?' Snape asked. He had just sent Tonks away and was
curious as to what Lupin had to say.
'I've been thinking, Severus, about what happened last month. What you said.
What did you mean when you said that Harry has no more of a place next to
Sirius than I do after he tried to use me as a weapon?'
'That outburst was caused by Black. I will not be held responsible for anything
I may have said,' replied Snape.
Snape started to push Lupin from his mind when Lupin cried, 'If I wasn't there,
you'd never act so impuls--'
'Impulsive?' snapped Snape. 'I am not impulsive!'
'Then I suppose the Shrieking Shack was an act of desire? Love?'
Snape's face turned sour, as if he were inwardly grunting. 'We aren't speaking
of the Shrieking Shack.'
'True, but it was much the same situation as this.'
'It is not!' cried Snape. 'The Shack was far worse.'
'It was more extreme, but essentially it is the same. You haven't changed,
Severus, you are just like me.'
"Dumbledore," Snape said loudly, still looking at Lupin for a moment more
before turning to the Hogwarts Headmaster, "I believe Lupin has something to
report."
Lupin looked horrified at Snape for a moment before controlling his features
and turning, too, to Dumbledore.
"Yes, Remus?" asked Dumbledore.
Lupin stood up. He looked around into everyone's faces nervously, hesitating
slightly. Then, as he opened his mouth to speak, he racked his brains for what
to say. "Well," he said, determined to keep his voice strong, but his voice
kept a slow pace, all the same, "as Severus said, I do have something to
report.
"You see, as I have lived as a werewolf nearly my entire life, and as I was
bitten by Fenrir Greyback as a child, I think I may have some idea as to where
he may be found. If we find him, perhaps there may be something to be done in
the way of preventing him from joining Voldemort's forces," he said, impressed
with himself that he was able to come up with such things spur of the moment.
As Lupin continued to report how Greyback may be tracked down, and what may be
needed, he spotted Sirius eyeing him suspiciously, and avoided eye contact with
him as he spoke with Dumbledore.
As Lupin sat down, he turned back to Severus, and cried into his mind, 'Why did
you do that, Severus?'
'I think it stands to reason, Lupin, that after such insults, you needed some
sort of reprieve.'
'Severus, there is nothing wrong, or untrue, about what I said!'
'Well, maybe I should tell your little Black friend all about our --'
'Don't tell Sirius. Please, Severus,' pleaded Lupin. 'If he finds out how much
I love you, or about our history, he'll never leave me alone!'
'You don't love me. You only think you do. Besides --' he said, before Lupin
could protest, 'It would be unfair to grant such a service of one who would
refuse to return the favour.'
'Fine,' sighed Lupin, 'fine, I'll stop hanging over you,' he sighed.
[End Chapter]
***** Secrets and Lies *****
Chapter Summary
     Tensions between Draco and Hermione send her running to Snape and
     Lupin; and a developing relationship between Lupin and Tonks creates
     new tension for Sirius and Snape.
It was the small things that hung in the air, between Snape and Lupin, between
Lupin and Black, and eventually on occasion between Lupin and Tonks, that only
they noticed and drew meaning from. It was those small things that seemed to
affect all their little actions.
It was Snape's lack of eye contact with Lupin that told Black that he wasn't
speaking to Lupin, which only served to make Black more smug than Snape could
tolerate; it was Black's thoughtless agreement with Lupin during meetings that
told Snape that the man was getting desperate for Lupin's affection, which
resulted in much taunting afterwards on Snape's part; it was Lupin's refusal to
contend, or even look at Snape when he had an argument that told Snape, not to
mention Black, that Lupin was finally beginning to become embarrassed by his
own feelings, which made Black begin to furiously argue him over this to try to
pull him out of it, and Snape's respect for him to rise just a little; and it
was Tonks' incessant flirting with Lupin that told both Black and Snape that
they were gaining a new rival, which caused Black to get even more jealous and
defensive than he already was.
It was, however, apparent that Lupin had no interest in her whatsoever, but he
replied with courtesy and a smile anyway. Snape knew these things were empty,
but they stupidly fooled Black. Snape supposed Black didn't see Lupin the way
that he did, but given Black's current situation, that didn't stop Snape from
taunting Black about this, either.
However, Snape probably didn't see this coming.
It was the end of their latest meeting and Snape had been prepared to leave.
But he should've realised that that look in Black's eyes had meant something.
Surely not something so profound, but still.
Black had stood, but his eyes were locked solely on Snape. "I would like a
moment alone before anyone goes anywhere. I have a few questions for Snape,"
Black said malevolently, glaring at the man before him.
An storm of protests rose that very moment, advising against this, warning
Black that he was not to pick a fight with Snape, insisting that whatever he
had to say to Snape, he could say in front of the rest of them. But Black
silenced them when he said, "Lupin can stay as mediator. I'm not leaving this
room until my doubts are answered."
"Surely no one would miss you," Snape retorted, but the other Order members
reluctantly left as though the sentence hadn't been uttered. All that was left
in the room now were the three men.
"This was surely a bold move, Black. You really must be getting desperate."
Snape spoke again, through the temporary silence.
"You speak tough for someone whose been made a fool of before. I had Lupin stay
behind for a reason, and it wasn't the one I suggested."
"Still, I'd say that you need one," commented Lupin.
"You don't say, Black?" retorted Snape sarcastically. "And just what was the
reason?" asked Snape. "Were you perhaps thinking of repeating whatever
circumstance it is with me that you require, and just had to have an audience?"
"Oh, that's right, we made a fool of you too many times to count, didn't we?
Don't accuse me of being the same as I once was! There's something going on,
and I want to know what!"
"Oh, please," said Snape, "you don't care about that! You just want to assert
your territory because you think I'm moving in on it! You couldn't care less
about Voldemort when it comes to this --!"
"Voldemort killed my best friend!"
"You're the echo of Potter, Black! Forever whining! Voldemort may have killed
your friend, but he spared your lover, and now you're doing everything in your
power to keep him!"
"Sirius! Severus!" cried Lupin. "It was me who started this. I knew it was the
only way to get through to him and still keep this secret."
"What?" shot Black in disbelief.
"He was staring at me so intently because he was trying to break into my mind,
Black. Since you have such an unstable one, yourself, I can guess how you
mightn't pick up on that." explained Snape.
"There's nothing wrong with my mind, Snape!"
"No, but you're far too possessive for me to handle sometimes, Sirius," Lupin
interjected, "and you have to admit you're being extremely jealous. You're too
afraid of losing me, I can see that, but I'm not going anywhere. The fact that
I love Severus doesn't change anything between you and me. You should be
careful of that fear of yours, though, or you may find yourself losing me
anyway."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Black demanded. Snape, of course, knew
exactly what it meant, but he wasn't telling Black, lest he ease Black's
suffering. Instead, he said, "You're losing track of the conversation, Black.
Did you forget we're here for a reason?"
Black's head snapped towards Snape. "You spoke to him, then?"
"Yes," answered Snape, "I responded to him. I told him that it was neither the
time nor the place."
"And then?"
"I became curious when he went from annoying to desperate. I looked over and
saw Tonks inching closer to him."
Black went back to Lupin. "Why do you indulge her?" he demanded. "You know, the
longer this goes on, the more complicated this will get! She might even fall in
love with you!"
"You're being overdramatic," said Lupin. "It's just a little crush, that's all.
She'll get over it and then find someone better, more suited to her. In the
meantime, what's the harm in making her think I feel the same? It'll soothe her
spirit."
"I know you don't love her. I don't know why you do this, so --"
"Why, then, are you being so jealous over one who is apparently no threat,
Black?" Snape accused. "Are you going to keep allowing these interruptions to
slip in, or should I just leave?" he threatened to Black.
Black turned back to him. "What did he say to you?"
"I begged him to help me," said Lupin, embarrassed.
A flash of realisation appeared for a moment on Black's face before he spoke.
"And he did!" he cried.
"Yes," said Lupin, "he did. And then he allowed me to speak."
Black whipped his head back to Snape, but before he could say anything, Snape
said, "Yes, Black, I let him speak. It was no coincidence that I got rid of
Tonks after Lupin asked me. And no, Black, that reason was not that I liked him
more than I let on, so you can just forget that misconceived notion right now."
He paused a moment, then continued. "Yes, something he had said caught my
attention. That had been what caused me to consider what he was asking of me.
And, no," said Snape, before Black could respond, "I will not tell you what it
was, and neither will your precious boyfriend. It is none of your business."
Black turned to Lupin, as if to confirm this. "Sorry, Sirius," said Lupin.
"Are you finished with me yet?" asked Snape.
"Not yet!" he barked. Both men waited, and Black's fierce expression slowly
faded. "For now," said Black bitterly.
Snape wasted no time in making out of the room and towards the main doorway.
Black and Lupin followed him to undo the locks, and Snape escaped outside, like
a shadow melting into its element. They closed up, locking up behind him, and
suddenly it was just Black and Lupin.
The look that Black was giving Lupin was intimidating to say the least, and it
occurred to Lupin that this was a Black he had never seen before; although, it
was probably because he had never turned against Black like this.
"This isn't a betrayal, Sirius," said Lupin as soon as he could speak. "It's
just a secret. Everyone has them."
"With him," Black retorted. "How do you think that makes me feel?"
"Horrible," said Lupin. "But how do you think your behaviour makes me feel?"
"He deserves it."
"Why? Because his actions are contributing to your misery? Because you're not
the only one living with that."
Black said nothing, but stared guiltily at Lupin. Moments later, Black left him
there in that hallway in favour of heading downstairs. Lupin just stood there,
and reflected upon that conversation that had been the subject of Black's
private interrogation.
And that was it. He sighed, before finally heading downstairs as well. He hoped
Sirius wouldn't hate him too much.
 
 
Hermione dove back into the ambition of organising the DA for two weeks, as a
way of forgetting her own problems, of Draco Malfoy. But it had always taken a
back seat to her private life. No more.
Her only consolation was that Draco had no idea about this one secret of hers.
But even when Harry and Ron seemed to suggest Draco was behind the dung-bombs
incident, she knew straight away that it wasn't. It was curious, because who
would use such a feeble lie just to confiscate a letter from Harry?
This was more serious, she was sure of it. There was a solid reason, but what
was it, and who was behind it...?
Then she woke up to Educational Decree Number 24; all organisations, societies,
teams, groups and clubs were now disbanded, unless the 'High Inquisitor' agreed
to re-instate them.
That old hag! This would only serve to incense her more however; all Umbridge
had were rules, and those can only be taken so far. They couldn't be punished
if Umbridge never found out.
Hermione knew Malfoy was planning something. Beyond his harassment of her, her
anger had been boiling for this long, and she was determined to strike first.
She wasn't a hateful sort of person, despite having hit him two years ago, but
it was bubbling beneath the surface again, threatening to burst forth. She
could only keep up the stiff upper lip for so long.
"You ought to be disgusted with yourself! You disgusting creep!" she cried.
Malfoy was together in a group of Slytherins, this time that his actions broke
her and they all turned towards her.
"Who asked your opinion?" spat Pansy Parkinson.
She grabbed Malfoy by the sweater, ignoring Pansy, who immediately shrieked and
clawed at Hermione, screaming her to get away, as though a jealous girlfriend
defending against a rival.
But Hermione had no interest in Malfoy, was simply trying to push him away. She
recalled the rumours from last year, the ones she had even spread about his
feelings (for Snape), the object of which had never been revealed. There was no
reason for Pansy to worry, unless Malfoy continued to come after her even after
this.
"This isn't an opinion, it's fact. Stop hovering over me like some lapdog, and
move on." Spitefully, she turned to the other Slytherins and said, "The rumours
last year were true, trust me," she added, looking directly at Malfoy now with
a haughty glare. "So, I'd keep a leash on him if I were you."
"You think we'll listen to a mudblood like you?" retorted Malfoy. "As if,
Granger --"
"Just playing your game, Malfoy," she retorted.
"You think this is funny?" he demanded. "Don't be an idiot, Grang--"
"Oh, that's rich, coming from you!"
"You think I'm the one here who's being pathetic? You do not understand the
simple facts --"
"Facts?" she cried. "What facts? You are the one who brought this on! You are
the one who sucked me into these sinister games! Do you mean those facts?"
A few Slytherins were looking at him now, and there were murmurs and strange
looks. This was going to spread through the school now, thought Hermione, she
just knew it. They immediately began gossiping about this new information,
convinced in it.
"Careful, Malfoy! You'll probably want to restrain your girlfriend!" a
Slytherin nearby jeered. Malfoy ignored him, but Hermione could tell that
Malfoy was holding back a glare. He was still staring into her face,
intentionally taking up all of her attention, a mischievous look on his face.
"You don't scare me, Granger," said Malfoy in slow but fierce undertones.
"Then maybe I should raise the stakes."
She could see his face instantly flash into a dangerous one. "Careful,
Granger," he said acidly.
The Slytherins were all looking at him avidly now, and Pansy was now looking
rather mental. "Come off it, Granger!" she shrieked, "If you're going to
suggest that Draco was really fondling Lovegood all this time --"
Hermione smirked, a mischievous smirk, better suited to someone like Malfoy
than her, and she appeared as though she could hardly contain herself. "Hardly.
This person is far worse to imagine than someone like her. Although, I'll admit
that its someone still quite looked up to by your lot..." It was all she could
manage to say yet, though, knowing as she had for months that she was attached
to their secrets now.
Malfoy whipped out his wand. "Careful, Mudblood," he said in dangerous tones
now.
"Really? Right here? Do you really want to risk your House points with me,
Malfoy?" she smirked in a very un-Hermione-ish way.
"Yeah, put it away, Draco," sneered one of his peers behind him. "You know how
stupid that would be."
Hesitantly, Malfoy did, but he still remained standing and full of rage as he
glared at Hermione. "Yeah, well that's still not as bad as your crush on
Professor Snape a few years ago."
 
 
Hermione was furious, but Malfoy still chased her down the halls as she ran
from that place. "Go away!" she screamed.
Then she ran into something hard. She blinked and tears ran down her cheek as
she looked up to see a very unimpressed Snape.
She felt even more embarrassed than she was before, yet slowly, he lowered his
arms as she wrapped hers around him in a brutal hug, unable to stop her body
from doing anything else.
Snape looked up at Malfoy. "What happened, Malfoy?" he said coldly.
Malfoy was taken aback by his harshness, and even Hermione shuddered against
him. He quickly recovered, though, as he burst up his response. “It was just a
simple insult, that's all! I can hardly help it if she can't --”
They glared at each other. They glared for what felt like forever. The only
sound was Hermione's quiet sobs echoing off the castle walls. It became the
focus of both of their attentions.
"Does this please you?" asked Snape at last, still cold. "Do you like that your
irresponsibility has forced me to clean up your mess?" he said as Hermione
choked on her sobs, embarrassed.
A silence passed briefly between them. "Have you been doing this particularly
consistently?"
"What does that have to do with it?" demanded Malfoy.
"We wouldn't want this to happen again. Would we, Mr Malfoy?" he threatened.
"I don't know. Would we?"
Snape continued to glare. He pulled Hermione off him and stepped away from her.
She stood frozen and he moved around her to face Malfoy closer, for a more
intimidating effect. "I've been expected to do my duties."
"But --"
"I don't think I told you to speak!"
Malfoy shut up.
"I would not be pleased to hear that you have been causing trouble with Miss
Granger again. This childishness must end, and it must end now."
“Child?” Malfoy demanded. “How dare you --!”
“Draco,” said Hermione at last, through her tears. “Don’t.”
"What?" spat Malfoy. "You can't tell me what to --"
"It's not about that!" Hermione snapped. "You are immature; a more grown-up
person wouldn't have caused all this drama. For once, can't you just leave it
alone?"
"What are you, defending him?"
"I'm agreeing with him. Don't you get it, Draco?"
"Secrets and lies are all part of the rules. It's the name of the game!"
"Secrets and lies," she repeated. "Its your excuse, isn't it?"
The comment sounded familiar to Snape; it sounded like Lupin, and as the man
pervaded his memories, Snape cursed his memories and said out-loud, through the
coarse, heavy air, "Silence, Miss Granger. I care as little for what you have
to say as I do for the little miracles that Lupin finds or the self-absorbed
arguments Mr Malfoy gives to me."
Slightly embarrassed, Malfoy cried, "Don't give me that! You're just as bad as
any of us; you are filled with secrets and lies too, and though you are loathe
to admit it, you can't escape the fact that you love him --" spat Malfoy, "I
overheard you yelling at yourself in the mirror that you don't love Lupin!"
Hermione looked about fit to burst.
"Secrets and lies! It's all just secrets and lies!" screamed Hermione
furiously. Snape looked at her with his steely gaze, seeming almost unaffected
by her state. Yet she saw sheer infuriation at what Malfoy had said, and if he
wasn't glaring at her, it was because he was stirring at this mention of this
private moment bitterly.
"You two had best return to your common rooms, lest you miss the rest of your
classes," he growled dangerously, hardly able to contain himself.
"Fine," said Malfoy, "anything to get away from here."
He left, and wordlessly, her face calming slightly, she followed suit, heading
in the opposite direction.
 
 
"This is all your fault," Snape blamed Lupin. "Tell me why I shouldn't just
obliviate them both right now!"
"Because you haven't already," Lupin replied. "You don't really want to, or you
wouldn't have come to me. You know it wouldn't be right, don't you?"
"I have done plenty of things that weren't right!"
"That was in the past," said Lupin. "You regret it. But why come to me, why
confide in me --"
"You are the only other person who knows our secret! You know exactly why.
Don't start pretending that I really do care more for you than I let on."
"You know the answer, Severus. You just don't want to face it."
November drifted by steadily until Snape could only but acknowledge the fact
that the most recent Order meeting was just behind him, and again he would need
to start preparation of the Wolfsbane Potion for the meeting, late December. He
could just see Lupin's face swirl into his minds eye, that man who needed to
feel wanted so much that he would force this burden upon another, that he would
never face the truth. It was disgusting.
And so Snape just brooded in his dungeons, brewing his potion and moving about
the rooms in frustration, raving mentally to himself. Until, that is, he heard
the creak of his classroom door opening. He had just moved back into his
office, but swiftly went back to see who was intruding entry upon his dungeon
door.
Draco Malfoy. Did he really expect any better?
"Mr Malfoy," drawled Snape as he descended back into the classroom. "Just what
is it that you feel justifies this intrusion now?"
Malfoy was smirking. No doubt he thought he had something over Snape again.
"Well, Professor," the young Malfoy declared, "thought you ought to know that
Hermione has a crush on you."
Snape did not like the look on his face or the mocking in his voice. He knew
what this was about; Malfoy was trying to set up some occasion, whether to
spite Miss Granger or himself he didn't know. But how he dared, trying to pull
the wool of the eyes of Severus Snape, Potions Master and his Head of House!
Did he really expect that to work? Well, he would see. He would have to show
Malfoy that there were consequences to his actions.
"Did you really think," Snape drawled, "that I would fall for such a pathetic
lie? Did you really think your tricks would work? Against me, who has had far
more experience of lying and being lied to than you ever had? Did you really
think you could trick your Head of House and get away with it?" he asked in an
increasing, furious tone. His face was white as a sheet.
Malfoy said nothing; Snape's speech rendered him momentarily speechless. But of
course, being Draco Malfoy, he had to have something to say, and so he did,
after a brief silence. "But you like her too, don't you?"
"Oh, stop it, you sound just like Lupin!" cried Snape.
"Do I?" said Malfoy. "Or is it that its obvious to everyone who's in on it how
you feel?"
"No," said Snape, "only to those who are so jealous that they see betrayal in
any corner," cried Snape, stalking towards Malfoy angrily. "But what neither
you understand is that, either way, none of you are going to have their way
with me! I will not be fool enough to listen to any of you!"
And with that, Malfoy's great plan was diminished to nothing. If he could only
take his lie further, and toss Snape back into the mix... but then, maybe there
was still a way...
"Don't blame me," said Malfoy. "It wasn't me who said it." If he had to create
more lies to make it stick, then the more, the merrier.
Snape raised an eyebrow. "Miss Granger?"
Malfoy nodded.
Snape looked hesitant for a moment, as though judging whether or not he could
trust Malfoy's words, then stood up straight, for he had ended up bent over
Malfoy. He looked down on Malfoy snidely. "Really?" he said, reproachingly.
Malfoy nodded again.
"Prove it."
Snape knew he couldn't, of course, but that didn't stop him demanding it. He
didn't expect Malfoy to prove it at all. He expected him to squirm, to be
backed into a corner and only be able to say things of very little consequence.
And he expected to be able to tell if Malfoy's lie was fabricated or not by the
way Malfoy reacted.
Malfoy did squirm, and his eyes certainly held that selfsame fear. Yet that
didn't seem to stop a small smirk rising to his face. "Prove it?" Malfoy
repeated. "I don't think I need to prove it. She defends herself through logic.
If you really want proof, then you could easily outwit it out of her."
 
 
Far be it from Snape to follow the advice of a lovesick child hellbent on
capturing him for his own, but Snape still had to admit he was curious. So on
the last day of November, Snape asked Hermione behind after Potions to sort out
this matter. They both saw Malfoy's smirk as he left, but knew to ignore it.
"Miss Granger," said Snape when the classroom was empty. "I'm sure you have
another class to get to, so I'll make this quick. Recently Draco Malfoy was in
my dungeons and told me something that he insisted in talking to you would be
proof enough of. I have asked you here to sort lies from the truth.
"He claimed that you...had a crush on me. Is this true?"
"What?" she cried. "No. Malfoy has already lied to the Slytherins about that.
He's trying to... I don't know. Give me a bad name. Or something."
"Have you given him reason to?"
"What?"
"Miss Granger, power is only useful to a certain point and purpose, something
every Slytherin knows. And yes, this includes Malfoy. We all have our reasons,
Miss Granger, but do you know Malfoy's? If all these secrets and lies that you
complain about have endured this long, then you must ask why," said Snape.
"Why...?"
"I don't think its any coincidence that Malfoy shifted his focus from me to
you. I have had to endure him increasingly for two years, from a grade-grubbing
first-year to a depraved teenager, and then you come along and turn that
around. Yet now he chooses to involve both of us. What does that tell you?"
Hermione looked up into Snape's eyes for a moment and then to the floor,
thinking now. "The only reason I can think of why he might have been interested
in you is… he saw something between you, something in common. Same reason he
came after me… He got obsessed, turned me into a rival, focused on me solely...
until he completely forgot about you... "
"So tell me, Miss Granger, who should I believe?" said Snape. "Is there any
truth to what he said, or can you offer to disprove his words?"
She opened her mouth, paused, and then closed it just a little. "Yes, Miss
Granger?"
She closed it, then thought better of it. "Um... He called me Hermione once. He
has a hell of a way to show it, if he really does..."
"Malfoy is as much a nuisance to you as he is to me. I'll have to get to the
bottom of this quickly, before things get out of hand."
"What are you going to do?"
"This won't end until you tell him what he wants to hear," he said.
"Any suggestions as to what that may be?"
"You're smart, Miss Granger. You can figure it out. Now get to class."
Hermione nodded and left. As she made her way through the halls, she was
distracted from the prospect of her next class by the plans she was already
forming to strike against Malfoy. By the time she showed up at History of
Magic, she had structured it.
If Malfoy was trying to pressure her into saying what he wanted to hear, she
would double it back on him! She would tell her housemates, her schoolmates,
even Dumbledore of the same thing that Draco had been telling his housemates
and Head of House, except with roles reversed.
Malfoy would not get away with this!
Most of the Slytherins wouldn't hear it from her, but she had a few friends
there she'd made in first year. Ravenclaw was also a good bet.
And while she let them spread it around, she would spend her free time writing
a long-winded letter to Viktor. She didn't like using him for her own devices
yet again, since she genuinely valued him as a friend, but he was still a
threat to others, and that couldn't be ignored, all things considered.
When Viktor wrote her back, she would read some of it to Malfoy, assuming the
rumours were far-spread by then, and see how that makes him feel.
Neither Harry nor any of the Weasleys would be around for this, however.
Dumbledore told her everything that happened; everything Harry had seen, how
Dumbledore had to send him and the Weasleys to the Burrow early for the
holidays before Umbridge caught on.
It was rather apparent to the school that the woman was quite furious at
Dumbledore, but there was nothing she could do.
Then Dumbledore had asked Hermione if she planned to join them when the
holidays started for her, and she agreed; given the circumstances, it seemed
something of a given. Dumbledore told her where and when she'd need to wait for
the Knight Bus to pick her up. Lupin would meet her there.
The first thing she had to do was write to her parents and tell her that she
wasn't coming. She had to lie about the reason, too, because she didn't want
them to worry and because she didn't think they'd let her otherwise.
She also spent this time finishing her letter to Viktor, and took both letters
up to the Owlery to send off. But she soon found out the rumours were spreading
faster than she expected. And with the way Malfoy reacted, she began to think
she might not need Viktor's letter after all.
Nonetheless, she would certainly look forward to receiving it.
 
 
"What good did you think would come of your lie?" Snape had asked. "Surely
you're better at this by now? How does any of this make her my responsibility?"
"You believed me. Despite everything, you believed me." said Malfoy. "Are you
sure you didn't want to see it?"
"Perhaps I merely held a higher opinion on you, Mr Malfoy. Did that ever occur
to you?"
Malfoy cocked his eyebrow. "Are you saying --?"
"Absolutely not," said Snape. "But perhaps it must be seen that there are other
things to consider besides what you simply prefer."
Hermione came a week later.
"So Snape wouldn't believe you? Maybe you're losing your touch, Malfoy," she
teased. "No reason to think it was me."
But these exchanges were relatively minor in comparison to Draco's life leading
up to the holidays. At least he could rest assured that all this would likely
be over by the time he returned to Hogwarts.
Draco's life was made up mostly of school and rumours. It was really no wonder
why he took it out on who he could. It gave him focus.
But it was leaving him short. His focus was but a blip in an ocean, so all he
could do was attack them both more frequently. It was all he could do to block
out all the rest.
A week before the holidays, it all built up. "You know what, Granger? I am sick
of hearing you acting as though you and I are within the same league. I think
you've forgotten who you're messing with; I'm Draco Malfoy, and I am not taking
this lying down."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she brushed him off without a
thought, trying to ignore him.
"Oh no, Granger, you don't get to ignore me," he stopped her right there. "I'm
going to find out what it is that you're hiding from me."
"Let me guess, you think its about you," she retorted. "You would have to
assume something that conceited, wouldn't you? And what proof do I have that
you're not keeping something of the same nature from me?"
"So you are hiding something," he sneered. "What is it?"
"Oh, I'd love to tell you, but too bad. Sorry," she retorted sarcastically.
"Alright, Granger," he yanked her aside and pinned her to the stone wall,
leaning in, "here's the deal: I know as well as you no doubt do that you were
the one who just told the school that all those rumours about you were really
about me, but that just amounts to two different versions of the same rumour
floating around, and all that means is that they'll soon merge and become
insignificant. If you intended to throw it all back in my face, you haven't."
"Well, good," said Hermione. "It's better that way, isn't it?" A look of
defiance was spread all over her expression, but her throat was tight and she
had a stiff upper lip.
"Not if I prove my point about you," he teased her, looking threateningly in
her eyes.
"And how are you going to do that?" she asked. "Do you really think you can
trick me into doing something like that?"
"I'd say you're already scared," said Draco. Even if she wasn't, Draco knew how
to play at Hermione's faults by now, and right now he focused on her paranoia.
"You know that I'm a threat, and you're scared. Even now, you know I could get
you anytime, any place."
He could tell she wanted to stand up against him, but she didn't want to move
too close, because she knew it would have entirely the wrong effect.
"I think I have proved --"
"No you haven't," said Draco. "You're just the same as you were two years ago.
You will never be on my level, its just not in your blood, is it, Granger? --"
"I'm not a mudblood," she snapped. "But if that's really what all the fuss is
about, then maybe I'm glad I'm not one of you!"
"Do you really believe that?"
She stared back at him. "Will you let me go now?" She was visibly growing more
conscious by the second. She was growing restless.
"No," said Draco. "This isn't over."
"Well, maybe it should be," she said, hastily trying to push past one of
Draco's arms. It didn't move.
He pushed her hard back against the wall. "Face it, Granger, you've wanted to
be 'one of us' for two years now. You want this, you just don't have the guts
to admit it."
"I don't want this," she insisted, again trying to pry herself from Draco
Malfoy. "Besides, how is pinning me against a wall in a public hallway going to
prove that I like -- ugh, I can't even say it! How could you --?" She grunted,
and gave up escape from Malfoy, leaning against the wall in defeat.
He looked at her. "You wouldn't understand..." he growled at her. "But that
doesn't mean you won't take the fall."
He threw himself back from the wall to the middle of the hallway, throwing up
his hands. He raised his voice. "Just when I thought you couldn't get any
filthier than you already are, Granger, and now you want to fool around with
Professor Snape? You have no shame, do you?"
Suddenly everyone was looking at them. Draco had no doubt as to the humiliation
she must be feeling, but to his surprise, she soon composed herself and stepped
forward forcefully. "That is nothing compared to the snogging I caught you
doing with him," she lied in a loud voice. "Don't lie, I saw it. You're the one
who fancies him, aren't you?"
She felt disgusted with herself, but this was truthfully the only way to gain
control the situation. Maybe she could still salvage something of this mess.
Maybe she could clear her name with those who already believed it.
"What the hell are you talking about, Granger?"
"Then what did happen?" Hermione challenged him in front of the crowd. She was
losing confidence with her lie.
"If anyone was to ask Snape, they'd find that I had never gotten near him. And
frankly, I think they'd suffer his wrath for even suggesting it."
"What a convenient excuse," she said.
"Look, if you want people to find out you're dirty liar as well as a mudblood,
be my guest."
"You're the one who refuses to be straight about it," she retorted. "What do
you expect people to think of that? Anyway, who was it that brought this up
anyway? You're the one who accused me, and doesn't that just say it all?"
She looked around at all the faces staring at her and Draco. As soon as either
of them left, they would start speculating. Best to end on a high note.
"You talk about big game about blood purity, Malfoy, but why don't you just
admit it? You've got it bad for a half-blood," she said, before rushing off.
 
Draco tracked her down sooner or later. The eyes spurred by rumours never left
him until he was out of their reach, and in the last week of holidays, he had
been watched constantly. For someone who craved popularity, it had its pros and
cons, but this wasn't the sort of attention he wanted.
The saying "there is no such thing as bad publicity" was one even he now had to
deny, or so Hermione would say. Now people weren't even buying either of their
stories, and were now making their own rumours about the two of them.
They had somehow gotten the impression that Draco and Hermione themselves were
secretly the ones off snogging. Of course, Draco blamed Hermione for this.
"This is your fault, Granger. So what's the clever plan now?"
"Excuse me, but what is my fault?"
"Oh, come on, even you must've heard what they've been saying," said Draco.
"Since your little act in the hallway, people have turned our little rumours
about each other, into rumours about each other."
"Well, I guess that's put a stop to whatever it was you were up to, at least,"
said Hermione.
"You really haven't heard what they're saying, have you?" he said. "Well, this
is interesting."
Hermione was glad Harry and the others weren't here.This was his chance to
demonstrate the extent of his power over her. Right now, he'd do anything if it
was at someone else's expense, and Hermione wasn't making it hard for him to
choose her as a target.
"Oh, come on. What could they possibly be saying?"
Yep, she wasn't making it easy for herself. "There's been talk of you ditching
those pathetic friends of yours only to get off snogging in the hall with me."
"What? But Harry and Ron aren't even here!"
"And you can't expect people not to wonder where they went," said Draco. "I
mean, Umbridge is being rather testy about it, but she won't tell us a word.
And then you refusing to answer questions --"
"Mr Malfoy, Miss Granger, I hate to cut this conversation short," Professor
Snape's voice came lingering over them, and both turned in surprise to him,
"but the High Inquisitor wishes to see you both in her office," he said. "Now."
Draco glared at Hermione. She could guess why. Draco turned around and marched
out of the library, and Hermione followed him.
Of course, Hermione wasn't glad that Mr Weasley was attacked, but she was
grateful that neither Harry nor the Weasleys were at Hogwarts. Still, it was a
big leap to hope that neither of the rumours would still be floating around nor
would any of them hear about them when they returned.
They arrived at Umbridge's office, Hermione with a feeling of dread, Draco
completely calm now.
Maybe he was better at this than she was.
No, she couldn't think that.
Umbridge's face greeted them as they entered, sweet and condescending. She
offered them both to sit down. She must've had a chair drawn before they'd
arrived, because there were two chairs in the office now, and it was crudely
out of place. Hermione took it.
"Now," said Umbridge, "what is this I've been hearing about you two snogging in
my school?"
Okay, so Draco wasn't lying about those rumours in the school. But how had
Umbridge heard? It would figure she would have take even simple rumours
seriously now. The only thing she wouldn't believe was the truth.
"We haven't been --" Hermione started.
"Don't lie to me," retorted Umbridge, voice rising but still composed. "I have
been told by several students in the school that they saw you --"
"How do you know they're not lying --?"
"How dare you," accused Umbridge. "I think I know when I'm being lied to, and
the only lying that's being done is happening right now."
"High Inquisitor," Draco interjected, "if I could just interject for a moment,
I think you are absolutely right. To be honest, I never wanted to be caught in
such a situation. Granger here," he glared at Hermione, "is nothing more than a
classmate who was overly eager to get her way. I tried to fight her, but she's
stronger than she looks. I hope I don't need to be punished for her crime."
What a complete load. Hermione couldn't believe what she was hearing, and she
hated him all over again.
"Of course," said Umbridge, horrifying Hermione. "Thank you for being honest,
Mr Malfoy, you may be excused. And as for you, Miss Granger," she said as
Malfoy got up and left the office, "I can see that I will have to teach you a
valuable lesson."
Damn Malfoy's control over her, and damn the Ministry, giving Umbridge her ill-
deserved power. Fudge was corrupt as well as paranoid, and his puppet was just
the same. Those two really deserved each other, but Hermione didn't deserve
this.
Just a week left till the holidays officially started, she reminded herself.
There was power in authority, even when the figure is so well manipulated by
secrets and lies. Draco simply had to sat back and bask in the glory of his
immunity. And it was all because of Umbridge.
 
 
Snape was in the kitchen of Number 12, Grimmauld Place, where he was forced to
wait in the same room with Lupin and Black. Apparently Lupin had been here
since Christmas Day, and would be hanging around until Sunday. Black was
sitting with his arms folded, glaring as Lupin stood next to him.
He was glaring away from Lupin. Lupin was simply smiling politely at his
friend.
Snape turned away in disgust. He hated Lupin and his stupid smiles... as if
he'd never done wrong in his life...
"Don't, Remus," he heard Black hiss. "How can you pretend all this is fine?"
"Sirius, not now," sighed Lupin.
"Why not? You have to face this sometime."
"You're always lying to me. What made me think you could change?" Snape could
hear Lupin tell Black in softly hushed tones, clearly trying to cover his
emotions, but Snape could see his smile was gone. Snape sneered to himself.
"Well, you're always keeping secrets. How is that fair?" Black hissed a retort,
reminding Snape of his own contrived discussions with the man.
"Secrets? Sirius, everyone has secrets."
"And everybody lies."
"If you don't mind," Snape told them, loud and clear, "I can hear you both, and
I'd really rather not."
"Who asked you, Snape?" spat Black.
"I've had enough of the two of you, I don't want to know. You disagree?"
"Ha!" Black cried. "You're a Slytherin, you sneaky bastards live off whatever
you can get! So don't you go --"
"Sirius, stop it!" reprimanded Lupin.
"That's a little biased, isn't it, Black? After all, Gryffindors are just as
capable of living lies. If anyone proves that, its you." Snape retorted. His
glare then shifted to Lupin.
They were all interrupted by the slight creaking of the door as it swung open
and revealed Mrs Weasley. She looked around at them in surprise. "Oh, what are
you all doing in here? Didn't you hear? The beginning of the meeting as been
postponed a couple of hours."
"On what grounds?" asked Snape.
"On the grounds that several of our Auror members were held back by a surprise
inspection at the Ministry. We cannot start the meeting with several members
missing, particularly since those members are quite important to our plans for
the meeting."
Snape didn't bother sticking around for a moment longer with Black and Lupin.
Lupin would've hoped he might look a bit happier when he returned hours later,
but he didn't.
Black and Snape sat well away from each other, and Lupin again sat near Snape,
only this time because he was avoiding Black. It was quite obvious the way
Lupin avoided the man's eyes, his face, even his general direction.
Unfortunately, though, this meant much more of his attention was aimed at
Snape.
"Do you believe me now that I care more for you than I do for Sirius?" said
Lupin in hushed tones, moving next to him.
"A brief quarrel is nothing to get excited about, but either way, I don't care.
Neither should you; it could never work out, and I'm tired of telling you so."
"But how could you even know if you never gave us a chance to become so?"
"Because we are too different," Snape replied. "And there would always be
something to hide."
"Like what, Severus? Were you hiding something way back then that made you
reject me?"
Snape didn't answer, so Lupin continued. "When are you going to open your eyes
and see we're not as different as you think? Sometimes I wonder if you do it on
purpose. And with trust and understanding --"
"There has never been trust and understanding between us. There is only power
and control."
Lupin was silent now, and Snape let the silence rein them in. Snape didn't even
want this discussion in the first place. He wanted the meeting to start.
"What have you been hiding?" said Lupin.
"You think you can ask this of me without power any over me to wield, and still
get an answer?" hissed Snape softly.
"I was hoping I wouldn't need it. Power and control shouldn't be all that's
between us --" he lied.
Maybe that was hypocritical of him. Even if power and control was all that was
between them, he had to be willing to use any of it he possessed to trick out
that trust and understanding out from him...
"If you didn't care for control, over either of us, you could've stopped
anytime. I just know you won't. You had no qualms about power last year, with
the Potion --"
"-- I had to get you to listen --!"
"And that was all that you needed. If you truly want trust and understanding
between us, then perhaps you should earn it."
Remus could say nothing more; that was the end of their conversation. It was
soon after this that the Aurors returned and the meeting commenced.
 
 
The night before, Hermione finally arrived at Grimmauld Place. Now she came to
breakfast, getting herself something to eat as she sat down next to Lupin.
"Good morning, Remus," she said as she begun eating her cereal. "How have you
been?"
Lupin forced a smile. "I'm fine, Hermione. How are you?"
She was going to comment on his manner, but from the look on his face, she
thought better of it and forced her own smile. "I'm good. It's good to get away
from school while Umbridge is in charge, anyway. And Malfoy..."
Suddenly, Hermione found her and Lupin quite alone.
"So what is going on with Draco, then?" asked Remus seriously, and she knew she
could confide in him whatever was going on.
"Well, he's just... he's gained a bit of power this year, with being Slytherin
prefect, and now joining Umbridge's Inquisitorial Squad -- which she organised
to... keep us in line, I guess. And now he's been using that against me. Snape
thinks we're both getting out of hand. All he cares about is himself,
anyway..."
"And do you think you are?" asked Lupin. "Getting out of line?"
"Well," she said, "I think Malfoy is."
"So you have done nothing?"
"Well..." she said. "Not exactly. I mean, I couldn't do nothing when Malfoy's
so imposing on me. But it isn't really my fault, is it? It isn't anything much
I've done, is it?"
"What is it you have done, Hermione? Maybe it is nothing, but it sounds as
though you think there is something."
"Well, it's just that..." She wasn't sure whether she should tell him. But
thinking about how she had tried to make people talk, it was a power issue. She
couldn't tell him that, could she? "It's just that, I might have said some
things, to other people... about him..."
Lupin looked at her with pitying, understanding eyes. "I understand. Perhaps
that might be something you need to own up to." He changed the subject. "How's
Severus? At Hogwarts? I still see him at Order meetings, but he avoids my eye."
"He's just as miserable as he always was," Hermione answered. "Having to teach
Harry and everything. Or deal with me and Malfoy, for that matter."
Their conversation ended then, as Mrs Weasley walked into the room. "Oh my, are
you two the only ones up at this hour? I had better have Arthur wake up the
others. Oh, don't finish that cereal, I'll fix you up some proper breakfast,
shall I?"
And she collected up the unfinished cereal, before started making up some bacon
and eggs. "So what is it that you were just discussing?" Mrs Weasley asked
interestedly, as she cooked the eggs.
"School," said Hermione, "Ancient Runes is really quite enjoyable, you know.
And Professor Vector thinks I'm really coming quite along with Arithmancy."
Mrs Weasley was keenly encouraging at that.
[End Chapter]
***** Power and Control *****
Chapter Summary
     The DA causes a further rift between Draco and Hermione; and Snape
     and Lupin struggle with their past
"Severus, do you have a minute?"
"Actually, I have to leave soon. I have my duties at Hogwarts, as I'm sure you
must remember."
"I won't keep you long," said Lupin. "Besides, I hear certain things from
Hermione. It sounded like you miss me."
"Stop dreaming, Lupin, because I assure you, I'm just the same as I always
was."
"Exactly, Severus, you're the same miserable self. But how did that start
exactly? Aren't you ever lonely? Isn't it worth something that what happened
between us all those years ago made me love you? Isn't it worth it that you
loved me?"
"I did not! What would make you assume --?"
"Because if you didn't, you would not have been there. If you didn't, you
wouldn't have done what you did. I could see it in your eyes. And even you
can't deny how much you loved being wrapped up in my arms before the morning
came," Lupin said.
"I don't need to hear this from you, Lupin. I know what happened as well as I
ever did. I would accuse you of slipping me something, but I know well you are
as lamentable a potions maker as Potter most days. And there are few charms to
that cause and effect. I am in no state of denial over what happened. You were
always the sweet talker, Lupin, and it got you far in those days. Even now it
has its advantages within the Order, doesn't it? You are able to soothe any
arguments, aren't you? Only Tonks has you in for a loop. Why is that?"
"You aren't jealous, are you, Severus? What harm could it do to indulge her
wishes, in the least form of all as a friendly smile?"
"About as much harm as it did me, Lupin," said Snape, "when you lured me into
the Shrieking Shack, and then let your indulgent mind shift. It is also why you
continue to pursue me, and why you would indulge others, even when you know it
could have no happy ending. Tell me you don't treasure my fall to you even now,
because I know the reason why is down to that simple fact."
"Is that why you left, Severus? Did you figure I would wander?"
"You did," said Snape. "There is no question in that."
Lupin looked into Snape's eyes for a moment. "Severus..." said Lupin. He
sighed. "Severus --"
"If you have something to say, say it now."
Lupin hesitated. "What if I could prove, somehow, that I was no longer
indulgent? What would you do?"
"You could do no such thing. You are."
"But if I did," said Lupin, "whether or not it is likely... would it make a
difference? Or are you just looking for more reasons to hate me?"
"I don't need more reasons. I hate you," Snape assured Lupin.
"You're not even giving me a chance --"
"Why should I? I know what it would come to. That's like asking you to admit
the truth, to anyone. But no, you'd rather fall back on being polite. You're
afraid to face anything that's real --"
"And you're not?" retorted Lupin. "Okay, I'll admit you're right. We both have
issues. But maybe, isn't there someway we can come to some --"
"No," said Snape. "We are not coming to some agreement. You don't understand,
do you? Your pathetic attempts at civility do not impress me. I don't wish to
understand you, because there is nothing about you worth knowing. You present
yourself as someone responsible, but you cannot fool me. You cannot placate me.
I am not someone you can control."
Lupin said nothing for a moment. He wanted to assure Snape that he had no
intention of controlling him, that the only person he sought to control was
himself, but he struck upon a strange thought.
Power and control... Lupin had always fought for self-control, not only to keep
others away, but for power. He needed the power to decide how others saw him.
As much as he needed to keep others at an emotional distance, he craved their
company, and would fight for it if need be. He just wouldn't be rejected; it
was too lonely.
Of course, he couldn't tell Snape this, knowing how he'd react. More to the
point, he couldn't show his cards so lightly. It was too vulnerable, wearing
your heart on your sleeve.
"Fine," sighed Lupin. "Far be it from you to share something with another human
being, even something like an opinion. I don't know how you do it, Severus, but
deep down inside, I can't imagine that you're not lonelier than me."
"I don't need --" Snape spat furiously.
"A soul?" interrupted Black from the doorway. "I agree, you certainly have
fared well without one." Black strode forwards. "What are you doing here,
Remus, the rest of the Order are looking for you."
"Speaking of missing souls," said Snape, "it seems to me that you are the one
who should be accused of that, given how close to the Dementors you were. Maybe
if you had lost it, you wouldn't be here to trouble me."
"Lucky for all of us that you'll be leaving soon then, isn't it, Snape? Even if
you wanted to, you certainly wouldn't be welcome to stay."
Lupin's head snapped towards Black. "Yes, he would."
"As it happens, the meeting is not my only purpose in being here today. But
don't worry Black, I won't be spending any time longer than I need to in this
old dump. I'll leave just as soon as I have passed on a message from
Dumbledore," said Snape.
"What kind of message?" Black demanded.
"That is none of your concern. You are certainly not any more welcome here than
I am."
"This is my house, Sn--!"
"It is your mother's house. A mother who, might I add, is still yelling at you
from her portrait today. I'd say she's quite as demented as you act sometimes,
too, Black. Must run in the family," said Snape.
"You want to talk about my mother, what about yours? What ever happened to her?
You must be as ugly as she was, yet not even a mother could love that face --"
"Sirius, Severus," Lupin interrupted, "this isn't necessary. Sirius, where are
the Order? I wouldn't want to keep them waiting."
"In that case, I'd like a word with Potter. A quick one, I should be in a bit
of a hurry to meet Dumbledore," commented Snape, and swept around to the door.
"See you in a month, Lupin."
Snape left. Black turned to Lupin. "What did he want?"
"Nothing," said Lupin.
Black glared. "Right."
 
After everything that happened over Christmas holidays, Hermione had mixed
feelings about returning to school. She knew Hogwarts was absolutely horrible
with Dolores Umbridge running it, never mind all the drama happening down the
backstreets of her life. But of course she couldn't stop going to school.
On the other hand, there was plenty to look forward to. There was the DA, there
was her S.P.E.W activism, and she needed to work hard for her O.W.Ls later this
year, despite the powers that be ruining the experience.
She stepped out of 12 Grimmauld Place with Tonks, Lupin, Harry and the Weasley
children. Tonks hailed the Knight Bus, and Hermione ended up sitting with her,
Harry and Ron, while the others found seats of their own. She slipped them a
goodbye before sitting with her friends.
They soon got off the Knight Bus, before the gates of Hogwarts in the snow.
Tonks advised that they'd all be safe once in the grounds, Lupin shook
everyone's hands (Hermione's was second-last), and everyone said goodbye to
each other. Then the six children headed up to Hogwarts.
Draco Malfoy didn't have much to say to Hermione when she returned to Hogwarts.
The rumours had been given plenty of time by now to fizzle down, but if she
knew Draco, that didn't mean the end of anything.
Rumours at the beginning of this term were all about the escaped Death Eaters,
and even when people weren't talking about that, Hagrid's probation was soon
common knowledge. This was certainly something Draco was free to be vocal
about, but it wasn't enough to distract Hermione from her newest purposes.
Meanwhile, Umbridge's newest decree really underlined how the Ministry was just
hiding the truth from the public at every turn. And in the midst of all this,
Hermione was backed up at every turn, trying to help Hagrid, and fighting
against Ron's assertions that Snape was using his Occlumency lessons with Harry
to make things worse.
Hermione thought that was about as idiotic as Draco being the heir of Slytherin
in second year. Both Slytherins had their faults, there could be no doubt about
that. But Hermione knew neither of them were evil, and she was rather
disappointed, though not at all surprised, in their lack of faith.
Before Hermione knew it, it was the middle of January. With so much on her
plate, the tactics against her launched by one Draco Malfoy took her from
behind. He may not have influence over the students as a whole, but he still
had his Slytherins.
"Where are you going, Granger?"
Hermione froze before the sight of Draco and his cronies beside him leering in
upon her. "What?" she asked flatly.
"I'll show you what you get when you challenge Draco Malfoy."
"What, is this a counter-challenge?"
"No, its a invitation," said Draco. "Go ahead, if you dare," he challenged,
spreading his arms out wide before pushing past her. She shook her head,
walking away.
Her friends didn't walk away. Later that week, Harry and Ron found themselves
in detention for whipping their wands out on Draco. It figured, she should have
known better than to try to control her friends. Gryffindors are way too
headstrong. She had them on her side, but they had their vices, just like any
other of the Houses. Harry and Ron were always taking advantage of her brains,
so it really wasn't a big deal to influence them they way she did. It was like
asking favours. It didn't always work.
"Where's Potty, Weasel King?" Draco asked as he came smugly striding up to her.
"Running scared from the real power in this school?" he sneered. "Or, is it
perhaps that they simply are too embarrassed to show their ugly faces anymore?
I mean, with one being a disgrace to the Gryffindor Quidditch Team and one
being denounced as crazy by students and Prophet alike, can one really blame
them?"
"Shut up, Malfoy," she said.
"Oh, and I suppose you're going to help them, then, are you? I know you must've
planted it in their head. Why don't you just face up to the fact that they're
both just pathetic losers--"
"You and I both know that I'm the last person who would want to encour--"
"Tell me, do you know what's going on inside your head, because I sure don't.
Hell, I don't see how anyone could with all that hair in the way."
"You got my friends into detention," said Hermione. "That's all. Don't think
you've got me under your thumb just yet."
"Just yet," Draco repeated. "You just gave me permission to try."
"No, I didn--" But he was already lost into the crowd.
Hermione wondered whether Malfoy ever had to lie to his Slytherins to get them
to listen. From the outside, they seemed rather obedient, but could anyone
really say that of a Slytherin, even Crabbe or Goyle?
Yes, Hermione assured herself that he had. She knew for a fact that he had. She
supposed that made it okay.
 
 
She was about to meet Rita Skeeter at the Three Broomsticks just next Hogsmeade
weekend. In just weeks, probably, Harry's interview was going to be all the
school could talk about.
"So, planning something in the Three Broomsticks, Granger?" Draco accused
suddenly, while she moved in between classes.
"What?"
"Oh, don't pretend to be stupid, you know what I'm talking about."
"Well, excuse me if I'm surprised that someone who hasn't spoken to me in a
month is suddenly shooting me wild accusations," said Hermione. "How could you
possibly know what I'm about to be doing, anyway, Malfoy? Are you spying on
me?"
Draco only lifted an eyebrow.
"You're kidding, right?" cried Hermione.
"You tell me, Granger."
"And this whole time, I thought you were ignoring me! Is this what you've been
doing for a month? You must really be obsessed with me. Generally you don't
stalk someone you hate. This is a total invasion of my privacy, so back off!"
"Then what, Granger? Go ahead, tell someone about it. Get me in trouble if you
really think this is out of my business. Do you really think you have any power
with the school being run by the Ministry? People like you get squashed by
people like me."
"Or Umbridge?"
Draco smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
He made to bump past her. She turned around as he did, dodging the attack and
following him.
"I'm in good company when I'm not near you and your dirty blood," said Draco,
"so piss off, Granger. Don't look at me for some hanky--"
"Oh, that's rich," shot Hermione, "from the guy who's been stalking me all
month --"
"It hasn't been a month. Like I'd want to stalk you."
"You just say you do because that's what's easiest. At least I'm brave enough
to give voice to what you're really feeling --"
"You're just jealous, Granger," said Draco. "You want me to feel that way.
Pathetic. Give me a break," said Draco. "Why should I say what isn't true, just
because you think its right? To soothe your dirty heart?"
"How can you know it isn't true, when you never stop to consider all the
options?" Hermione retorted. "I don't want it to be true, but face it, you
assume everything you know. We both have, when it comes to each other. You
don't really know anything real about me or how you feel about me at all."
"Well congratulations, I guess you must have all the answers," Draco retorted.
"Well," flustered Hermione. He was right; questioning Draco of all people, was
like asking a cat directions. But she had to have the last word. "At least I
could claim to have some of them."
"Good luck with that, Granger," he said, leaving feeling her downtrodden.
She tried to put it behind her and focus on business next weekend. She did, but
not without lingering feelings creeping in at odd moments. Still, every time it
did, she didn't let herself think about it, but just jumped back into
discussion with Luna, and Rita when she arrived.
The arrival of Harry pushed every last thought of it away.
 
 
Hermione had felt disappointed in her life before, but never with Hogwarts.
S.P.E.W and the DA were the only things she enjoyed much anymore, to be honest.
In amongst all of that, who could say what she thought of Draco anymore,
especially as an enemy.
During the vogue of the interview with Rita Skeeter, of course, Draco had kept
well back. She appreciated that, especially given how easily he could've snuck
in and been as big a prat as usual. But it was something she didn't know how
long it would last. This time she hoped it would last at least as long as the
vogue of publicity did.
Between Quidditch, Trelawny was replaced by the centaur Firenze, and Harry's
worsening Occlumency lessons, Hermione couldn't get past whatever was going on
with Draco. Either he was being very good, or very bad. Her suspicions were
beginning to consume her that Draco was planning something big against her.
Time to strike back.
He watched her, picking up her movements. Coming from old money, Draco knew
money talks, but what she was apparently doing took it to a new level. It was
just suspicious enough to guess that it must be enchanted. After a while, he
noticed others repeating this behaviour, and guessed it must be a communication
device.
But there could be no way of knowing just what they were communicating about.
Not unless he dug a little deeper. Draco kept an eye on them, just to see who
would be the best approach. Zacharias Smith seemed a good choice, but Marietta
Edgecombe seemed easier to turn against the others.
But she was always hanging around that Cho Chang, so he had to be clever about
it. He cornered her after breakfast.
"Hey, Edgecombe," he addressed her. "What's been going on with you lately? Seen
you and Chang talking to galleons. I might say you're going mad." He let that
sink in for a moment. "Unless you're really up to something. But that doesn't
seem likely for you, does it, Edgecombe? What would your mommy think?"
She looked scared. "I haven't done anything," she said, and attempted to
escape.
"But," Draco stopped her, "I guess that would mean you really are mad," he
said. "Maybe I should tell someone, so they can cart you off to St. Mungo's. I
hear they have a ward for people who are touched in the head."
She turned around. "They'd never buy that. Loony Lovegood still goes here."
"So, what is it, then? Are you being a bad girl, Edgecombe? Maybe I should just
go to Umbridge and tell her that --"
"No!" she cried, then sighed. "What do you want?"
"First, I want you to tell me everything. What are those Galleons you're
talking to, who's involved, and just what are you talking about? And keep me
informed."
"What are you going to do?" she asked.
"That's my business," said Draco. "I'm just going to have a little fun. Now,
how do the galleons work?"
So she pulled Draco away to the abandoned bottom of a staircase and told him
about the galleons. So it had been Hermione's idea. If he knew Hermione, the
galleons weren't the only aspect of things she stuck her nose in. She may well
have set up some extra insurance to keep her secret. He couldn't pretend she
wasn't getting used to this life, at least.
"Make me one," said Draco. "I may still need more information from you, but its
too close to class now. Meet me here, after dinner. Three days." And he left.
Three days later, he handed over the coin as they passed in the hallway,
shoving her hand deep into Draco's for fear of being caught, and Draco pocketed
it. This did, however, make Pansy incredibly jealous when she saw it. Nothing
new, of course, but this would start some drama.
Maybe even some drama he could use to divert attention from Granger.
Marietta, however, was suspicious. "Are you sure you don't just fancy her?"
Marietta asked once.
"Don't be ridiculous, Edgecombe, she's a mudblood."
And indeed, Marietta was supplying him with important ammo to use against
Granger. He would take this thing down from the inside, and then she would see
who controls who around here, and who is left in the dirt.
This organisation, whatever it was, was an illegal operation, and though he
could well just tell Umbridge now, he might as well toy with Granger first.
Draco was about to show her the true issue of power.
"Granger," said Marietta after one session of Dumbledore's Army, "can I have a
moment?"
Hermione looked back to her two friends, who looked expectant. "I'll catch up
with you guys soon."
She turned back to Marietta, who was saying goodbye to her own friend, Cho
Chang. Hermione moved towards her as Cho left. The two girls waited until
everyone had left, and then Hermione said, "What is it, Marietta?"
"I know what you did, Granger," Marietta said. "And I know you don't want it
getting out so, if I were you, I'd tread carefully."
"What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about. Cho may have forgiven Harry by now, but that
still doesn't change the fact that you tried to split them up in the first
place."
"What?" cried Hermione. "And what ever would give you that idea?"
"You are the one who asked Harry to go running off with you when you knew full
well that they were on a date that day. And you must surely have known how
miserable she's been lately, but you crashed in her gate anyway. If you fancied
him --"
"I do not fancy Harry!" she shot at Marietta. "Besides, I wasn't the one
telling her I wanted to leave early, Harry's just a bit awkward like that!"
"Well, its pretty low of you to take advantage of --"
"Take advantage? You've got to be kidding!" She inclined her head to Marietta.
"Look, I had no idea that Harry was going to be so tactless, you can't blame me
for everything. Why are you so determined that I should be the bad guy here?"
"If you don't want this getting out, I'd listen. We've got some plans for you."
"We've --? Malfoy sent you, didn't he?"
Marietta was silent for a moment. "Draco Malfoy?" asked Marietta. "No," she
said, "no. But that's curious, have you got even more secrets on your
conscience? What's your relationship with Draco Malfoy?"
"There is no relationship with Draco Malfoy! This is intimidation," said
Hermione. "I'm not buying it."
"But you'll sell it? I heard about the thing with Rita Skeeter. Can you really
say you wouldn't do the same as you dish out? I'll say this, you sure have been
busy this year. You're a right little rebel, aren't you?"
"If you are referring to the meeting in the Hog's Head --"
"Yes, I am," said Marietta. "And you're certainly doing a good job in pissing
everyone off, by the way--"
"But that's good isn't it? You're in the Dumbledore's Army, if you dare betray
us --"
"Oh, give me a break. Don't you think its about time for a bit of revenge? So
which will I do, Granger? Tell or torture?"
Hermione glared. "I wouldn't cross me if I were you. What did you want from
me?"
 
 
 
Hermione Granger's friends couldn't tell that it was anything more than just a
dull March, out of their sight more times than they cared to notice. But what
was she doing all of this time wasn't anything but the most demoralising of
things. While both Draco and Edgecombe insisted all the while that she should
be well used to doing these sorts of things by now, she thought they rather
over-exaggerated her lack of morals; she thought it was rather dramatic to take
it to the level they did.
By the time it was April, she'd had enough of playing their games. Some revenge
of her own was rather in order, and she would use the lessons learned to get
her there. She would sneak a love potion into each of their drinks, so they'll
become obsessed with each other.
It was enough to turn Pansy completely against him. In the end, he'd found
himself at the mercy of Cho Chang; such was the support of her friend that she
had saved them both. But still she seemed to blame him. Draco, however, was
more concerned with his reputation, and was looking for someone to blame. As
usual, that blame fell on Hermione.
He knew what would piss her off the most, and fortunately, it was also
something that would be shrewd to do under the new regime.
Umbridge could use an extra pair of hands, anyway. She didn't exactly have many
allies within the school, besides Filch, so maybe it was about time she got
some.
He knocked on her door. "Come in," he heard Umbridge call. He opened the door
and saw her sitting at her desk, polite smile on her face.
"Draco," she said, surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to offer my services. I noticed you might need some help keeping this
school under control, and I can bring others along with me, my housemates."
Umbridge smiled sweetly. "Thank you very much, Draco, but I don't think --"
But someone had approached the doorway, and Draco turned to see Marietta
Edgecombe walk in.
"Yes, what is it, girl?"
"I have some information for you," said Marietta. She stood waiting for
Umbridge to respond.
"Very well, dear. Sit down. Draco," she looked to him as Marietta sat down.
Edgecombe explained about the DA, and Umbridge lit up. "You mentioned your
Slytherin friends," she told him, all business. "Go and round them up, and meet
in the Entrance Hall."
Draco nodded, and ran from the room. He ran straight to the Slytherin common
room and rounded up Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, and a few others. They went straight
up to the Entrance Hall, where they waited for a few moments until a very
rushed Umbridge arrived and dragged them along all the way up to the seventh
floor, while explaining the situation and asking for brief introductions.
When they got there, they discovered the Room of Requirement already to be
dispersed of running children, and Umbridge directed the Slytherins off to
capture them while she did the same.
Draco caught Harry and earned 50 points. He and Pansy went off to find and
catch more of them. He really wanted to catch Hermione, though, and checked the
library, but came up empty.
Still, from what he heard of it later that day, they'd managed to kick
Dumbledore out of the school. That was pretty close second prize to getting
Harry expelled, at least.
On top of that, Umbridge had had an idea that would benefit her but also Draco
and the others who had helped rounding up Potter's rebellious lot. So she ended
up forming the Inquisitorial Squad, and gave them all High powers in the
school.
Wait until Granger found out.
He walked off feeling all high and mighty, preening in the privilege of his
power. It was short-lived, however, as not far from the beginning of lunch,
there was a great disruption from upstairs that seemed to shake the walls.
"What the hell was that?" he heard someone nearby along the table say.
"Come on," said Draco, "it felt like it was coming from upstairs."
The Slytherins did no better than Umbridge at getting rid of the fireworks, and
soon enough, they were sent back to class.
 
 
The fire of rebellion was roaring through Hermione's veins. She was in a fling
of emotion; maybe she should show Malfoy just what she thought about his
Inquisitorial Squad.
Her rebellious mood lasted the next day, and unbeknownst to her friends, Fred
and George had mentioned how to control the fireworks, so she took the
opportunity to launch some of the ones still loose on Malfoy. She smiled as she
watched one leave a faint imitation of his scared face on the wall as it just
missed him.
But by the time the Easter holidays had arrived, she had new problems to worry
about, and it came in the form of Harry's Occlumency lessons Snape. In the back
of her mind, she even considered confronting Snape herself, but she didn't want
to start up any new dramas with him again.
What kind of Gryffindor was she if she couldn't face up to this herself? Many
Gryffindors were much more headstrong than she was, even Neville. Only her and
Lupin seemed to be an exception to the rule in their sense of reason.
Fred and George offered Harry a diversion, allowing Harry to floo Sirius. Lupin
was the one to answer to Harry's call.
Harry disappeared from the fire after a disturbance on his end, which left
Lupin wondering just how he had contacted them in the first place. There
must've been a fireplace left unmonitored by the Ministry, and Harry had
managed to break in to ask about this. It must have really upset him if this
was the case.
Lupin couldn't wait too long, then, before contacting Snape over the cancelled
Occlumency lessons. He would have to go there tonight, when Sirius stopped
raging about the house and nobody expected to see a werewolf wandering the
halls. His only highlight of their conversation with Harry was hearing Sirius'
regret over their childhood behaviour, but even that was no comfort now.
He took the Knight Bus. Stan Shunpike seemed to remember him from last winter,
Tonks being particularly prominent in the memory.
Hagrid met him at the gates. "All righ', Remus?" said Hagrid. "What are yeh
doin' here this time o' nigh'?"
Lupin just smiled politely. "I've just come to speak to one of the teachers
here, Hagrid. I know its late, but I didn't want to disturb anyone."
"Well, all righ', but if yeh've come ter speak ter Professor Snape, I don't
think yeh'll have much luck," said Hagrid as he made to open the gates.
"And why is that?" asked Lupin as he stepped through.
"Yeh know how he is. Righ' miserable rut he's in righ' now," said Hagrid. "Can'
even be bothered ter give Harry a hard time anymore."
"Is that so?" asked Lupin curiously. He couldn't help thinking that that was
quite an odd situation. Had his friends in that memory really upset Severus
that much? "Well, I have to try," he said.
"C'mon in. An' good luck ter yeh," said Hagrid. "Jus' come'n get me when yeh're
ready ter leave."
"You have my promise, Hagrid," Lupin as he headed toward the castle. "I'll meet
you at your hut when I'm done here."
So Lupin made his way up into the castle. If he knew Severus, and he had come
to, he would be just finishing up in his dungeons by now. He always seemed to
linger longer there than the average teacher.
"Enter," Severus drawled impatiently at his dungeon door. Lupin creaked the
door open.
The room was dark except for a lumos maxima spell Severus seemed to have put on
the room, leaving the impression of glowing jars lining the walls. There was a
deep shadow on Severus's face that seemed to sculpt his features in sharp
relief, as his eyes caught Lupin's and his expression dropped in surprise.
"Lupin," he said darkly. "And what exactly brings you to the castle this
evening? Something important, I hope?"
"Yes," said Lupin. "I hear you stopped giving Harry Occlumency lessons? I know
what happened with Harry seeing that memory, but I can't let you just --"
"Oh, and I suppose everything I do is up to you now?" Severus snapped. "You
think you have me all nice and neat inside your pocket? Don't think for a
second you can control me, because I think you'll find that you can't!"
"I don't think that, Severus, if anything I --" Lupin paused. "I'm the one I
need to control," he muttered.
"You've got that right."
Lupin sighed. "Look, I know we were arrogant berks in those days, but are you
really going to let that stop you from protecting Harry from Voldemort? I know
you switched sides for a reason, so can your past really be so much a factor
that you would let that happen to anyone else? Harry needs you --"
"I daresay that even if I did resume lessons, he wouldn't do much more than
waste them," said Severus. "There would be no point, if he doesn't want to
learn, there's little I can teach him. At this rate, the boy will only get
worse from here. Besides," Severus snarled, "if he is going to go around prying
into other people's business, it seems I cannot trust him as far as I can throw
him, though I can't say that I'm surprised."
Lupin looked at him for a moment. "No yelling?" asked Lupin. "No severe
punishments? Hagrid told me how mildly you've been treating Harry lately, which
makes me wonder if there isn't something more this than you're admitting. Is
there something in that memory you're ashamed of, Severus?"
"Not that its any of your business, Lupin," said Severus. "It is what it is."
"And what is it, Severus?"
But Severus looked only colder into Lupin's eyes. "It does not concern you."
"Is this my fault? Did my inaction effect you more than I cared to realise?"
"Your inaction doesn't enter into it," said Severus.
"Then what does?"
"We are not talking about this, Lupin --"
"We need to talk about this!" Lupin cried. "Clearly there's no avoiding the
issue until we clear it up! I won't tell --"
"Oh, you and Potter both, I suppose! Don't think I don't know how you all are!
Why should I trust any of you --?"
"Because I do trust you," said Lupin, "I always trusted you're on our side, and
still do. So why don't you trust me --?"
"It is completely different! This deeply personal for me, and your trust is
only skin deep."
Lupin was silent for a moment. "Do you think this is easy for me?" he said,
moving around to view Severus more closely, from the side of the desk he was
standing at. "You have never mixed in with my friends, and yet I have to go
between you both, because I am the only one between us who can see clearly.
There are always things I have to keep from you both, just to keep the peace. I
try to be loyal to you both, but you're both so difficult with me. What do you
want from me, Severus?"
"I want you to choose what's more important," said Severus. "I won't forgive
you for the past; I'm sick of the charade. It's either me, or him."
"You're both a part of me," said Lupin. "You're asking me to choose between two
sides of who I am. I can't do that."
"You were never whole."
"Just like you," observed Lupin. "We took a part of you, and now you want to
return the favour."
"You were never whole," Severus repeated. "I'll leave you to your ruminations
of how much is left."
Severus moved down along the desk away from Lupin. Lupin followed and caught
him at the end. "This is not about me, Severus, its about you. What were you
thinking to stop giving Harry lessons?"
"Just what I have told you," he said, "Potter doesn't deserve my tuition. No
doubt he thought the whole thing was funny?"
"No, Severus, he did not. He found the whole thing disturbing, as a matter of
fact. I did tell you once he was much more like Lily than his father --"
Suddenly, Lupin was forced back hard against the edge of the desk, as Snape
pressed him into it, looming over him. "Don't you go preaching your old
nonsense to me, Lupin!" he spat with some fury, his voice rough. "I don't want
to hear what you think Potter is on the inside, to me he will always be the
same arrogant little weasel as his father was who doesn't deserve anything he
has! Lily could never be this."
"Lily married James, Severus."
"You always had reason to be jealous of her yourself, Lupin, so don't go
preaching to me--"
"Reason, perhaps. But for that one night in the Sha--"
"Don't!" cried Severus.
There was silence for several minutes. Lupin could focus on nothing but Severus
lingering there, pushing him hard into the table. The pain of the table in his
back mixed with the pleasure of Severus leaning into his body. He wanted to
stay like this, at least for a few minutes, and just remember this feeling. He
felt himself tingle sharply, sending shudders through his body.
Severus must have realised what he was doing, because suddenly he pushed
violently away from Lupin and began stalking around the room, humiliated.
"Severus --"
"Don't!" he said.
Suddenly he stopped and faced Lupin from across the room. "I think you need to
leave."
"But --"
"Leave!"
Lupin hesitated for just a moment before heading to the door. At it, he opened
it and left his hand resting there for just a minute. "If nothing else, you
cannot deny you have some feelings for me, whatever you hold against me.
Denying it will only make things harder for both of us."
"I don't know what's to be said for you," said Severus, still from the corner
of the room, to his left, "but I don't need you worrying over me. I'm as
capable as I always was."
Lupin wanted to say, 'But just how capable is that?' but kept a lid on it.
After a moments' hesitation, he left.
 
 
Snape continued as ever to ignore Harry, and Lupin didn't talk much about his
conversation with Snape, but he did tell Dumbledore the following day that
Snape had stopped giving Harry lessons. He promised he'd try talking to him.
Hermione noticed Snape acting a bit more irritable lately. She had been glad he
was finally laying off Harry, were she not worried for what that meant about
Harry's Occlumency lessons. Harry wasn't talking about his conversation with
Sirius Black, but she remained certain something must have happened.
It was frustrating, but she had kept her fair share of secrets from him, so she
didn't push it.
Draco and his Slytherins' positions in the Inquisitorial Squad didn't make them
untouchable. Two older Slytherins named Montague and Warrington lately had been
targets of magic, and even Pansy was sprouting antlers from one particular hex
that made her skip classes. Draco supposed Granger must be having a big old
laugh about it, but he already had his hands full as it was. Damn he would like
to wipe that haughty smile off her face, though.
He would simply have to settle for their brief confrontations in the halls, but
even that was a public affair. Still, it could never hurt his position as long
as he won. Sometimes he was completely at the reins.
"As if you give a damn about what happens to any Slytherin," he retorted.
"As a matter of fact, I am worried! Montague could still be permanently injured
from that Vanishing Cabi-- nothing."
Draco lifted an eyebrow. "A Vanishing Cabinet, you say, Granger? And how long
have you been keeping this information from the school, and his parents? You
know, I'm sure Professor Umbridg--"
"Okay, I get it, Malfoy. What's the deal?"
"No deal. I really am going to tell Professor Umbridge."
"Malfoy, seriously! What is it? I can tell you who did it," said Hermione.
"Why would I want to do that when it was obviously you who confessed to it.
There's nothing to say you didn't do it."
"What do you want, Malfoy? I am not getting kicked out of this school."
"Oh, I think you are," said Malfoy.
"Oh, never mind the fact that the original perpetrators have already left this
school --" snapped Hermione.
"What do you mean by that, Granger?"
"I mean," she sighed, "that it was Fred and George who did it. And as they've
now left early --"
Malfoy was looking seriously at her. "So let's see, that'll be 50 points for
not telling the school about Montague, another 50 for lying to me --"
"I didn't lie!"
"-- and 20 for back-talking. You wanna try anything else?"
Hermione glared at him for a moment, then shook her head. "No."
"Good. Have a good day, then, Granger."
 
 
And while the two school students were worrying about their upcoming tests, two
Order members were left with a situation to handle.
Three, if you counted Sirius Black.
Lupin had told Dumbledore what Harry had said, and subsequently what happened
between him and Snape, regarding Harry's Occlumency lessons.
"I'm sorry, Remus, but if you couldn't persuade him, I doubt there's much I can
do," Dumbledore told him.
Did he know? Had he somehow figured out what was between them? In fact, he
seemed to be encouraging Lupin to try again. The thought of it scared him,
because how many chances was he likely to get? If this was all suddenly down to
Lupin, it would be his fault if he failed, in the end.
The mirrors wouldn't do, not when he could wipe them out. It was too long until
the next Order meeting. And it wasn't as though he could start making regular
trips to Hogwarts. They'd have to arrange a time and a place.
The Leaky Cauldron, 10:30 tonight. He suggested it to Severus.
"And why should I agree to meet you, Lupin? Because you say so?"
"No, because Dumbledore told me to talk to you, Severus," Lupin answered. "I'm
sure you can appreciate the seriousness of the situation. I won't waste your
time with personal confessions."
"And what could be so important that you cannot tell me right here?"
"You'll have to wait to find that out, aren't you?"
"Are you afraid Black's going to hear you?"
"Sirius doesn't know anything, and Dumbledore won't tell you much at all."
"I wouldn't listen to either of you," said Severus. "And you have been far from
reliable in the past."
"Then I'll be sure to keep my information reliable. Will you come?"
"10:30?"
Lupin nodded.
"I'll be there."
 
 
Snape flooed in to the Leaky Cauldron at exactly 12:30am. Snape had only
arrived this late in an attempt to chase him off, but he was still there two
hours after Snape was expected to be there. It didn't take long to spot Lupin
still sitting at a table, looking infuriatingly calm, if a little confused.
Snape stalked up past various tables, making straight for where Lupin sat.
"You're still here," Snape said.
Lupin looked up in surprise. "Severus," he said. "Of course I'm still here. I
told you I needed to talk."
"By the looks of things, I'd say you're desperate to talk."
"You wouldn't have done the same, then, Severus, if you really needed to?"
"No, I wouldn't," said Snape. "I have my pride."
"And I don't, is that what you're saying?"
"If the shoe fits."
Lupin looked up at Snape for a moment, as though analysing that comment. Then
he seemed to push it aside and smiled. "Why don't you sit down, Severus, I
saved you a seat. And some firewhiskey."
Snape smirked as he sat down in the chair opposite Lupin. "Is that what you've
been doing for two hours, Lupin? Drinking firewhiskey? You must certainly be
too drunk to tell me anything by now," he said.
"Actually, I only just ordered this twenty minutes ago," he gestured to the
bottle, "when it seemed as though you weren't going to show up. I take it you
were busy?"
The question wasn't fooling either of them. Both men knew what Lupin was
implying; that Snape had meant to arrive late, that he believed 'Dumbledore
made me do it' was just a cover.
Snape glared at Lupin with a coldness that Lupin definitely did not envy. "What
are we here for?"
Lupin sighed. "Harry."
Snape lurched in his seat and stood to tower over Lupin menacingly. "We have
spoken about this. There is nothing to discuss."
"Does it surprise you that this isn’t a social call, after all? Please sit
down, Severus, let me speak before you jump to conclusions."
Brown eyes politely glanced up into cold black ones, waiting. Snape still
continued to glare, not making a move to sit down just because Lupin asked him
to.
"You are perfectly capable to speak while I am standing, if you even have
anything resembling an argument," said Snape.
Another sigh. "Harry is fifteen. I don't know why you are acting so strongly,
but you cannot just base all your judgements a single action. He is not what we
used to be. Even if you think this proves what you've always said, we are not
fifteen anymore. You can't say that none of us have changed since then; you
certainly did."
"You can't honestly claim to understand, let alone relate to, what made me
change," said Snape. “As far as I’m concerned, you are no more loyal than Peter
Pettigrew.”
Lupin's throat caught at the name. He swallowed. "No, you can’t think that," he
said, "You surely can't deny I've changed. Look how much more savvy I have
become to you."
"And you think that will help your cause?" asked Snape with a raised eyebrow.
"It certainly couldn't hurt."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Perhaps I'm tired of living my life according to you," retorted Lupin.
"Neither maturity nor loyalty has likened me to you, and my brief stint at
Hogwarts has taught me to live my own way, even if my heart is still torn. And
isn't that what you've always respected?"
"You haven't changed," he smirked, sitting back down. "You claim to move on,
but you still haven't let go of the past. You can't honestly care for that
buffoon; you're simply still looking for approval."
“Wait, are we still talking about Harry, or…”
“Obviously not.”
"There are parts of yourself you can't erase. You know how I am. Besides, did
you ever think it was just your approval I was after? It’s about time you
accept yourself for what you can't erase. Like that memory."
"I'm sorry, I did not realise I had come here for a philosophy session," bit
Snape.
It was Lupin's turn to lift his eyebrow. "It can't be new to you? What is in
that memory, Severus? Regret?"
"You could have done something," said Snape evasively.
"So it's resentment?" replied Lupin.
Snape said nothing, crossing his arms. If he wanted to believe that, and he
clearly he did, then Snape wouldn't stop him. He had more to hide, and nothing
was going to stop Lupin from his own arrogance.
"Severus... you can’t let me be your excuse, you can’t run away --"
"Who says I’m running anywhere? Good intentions are not enough, Lupin. Whatever
it is you planned to do here, it's not going to work --"
"Severus," said Lupin, his eyes firm now, serious. A sense of rage came over
Snape and he stalked away from the table.
"Severus, wait," said Lupin sympathetically, chasing him.
A hand on his wrist caused Snape to twist back to Lupin in alarm. "Don't," he
hissed. His eyes simmered. Lupin started to let go, yet latched his fingers at
the last second.
Snape ripped his wrist from Lupin's grasp. But before Snape had a chance to
turn and leave, Lupin lunged forward, grabbing Snape's other wrist. Lupin was
too close, falling into him, and Snape back-stepped.
He pushed him back a moment later. "Not here," he hissed.
"In your office?" suggested Lupin.
"No," said Snape. “Never again.”
 
 
That 'never' came back to haunt him.
Snape knocked back the rest of the brandy in his glass. Looking down at it, he
knew what he really wanted to do with it. He wanted to smash the thing against
the wall, but he had decided against it. He would only break or spill precious
ingredients, and he refused to do that, not again. But looking down at the
glass he was holding, he could see the white press of his enraged fingertips
pressed in against the transparent surface.
In another moment, it was forgotten on his desk. He stood up in his seat,
stalking out of the potions classroom, out of the dungeon, heading to...
Where?
He supposed he didn't really have anywhere to go, so he just stood there for
several long minutes before he begrudgingly headed back into his office.
He was restless. Stalking in front of his office for a moment, he stopped.
There was only one way to soothe his nerves. With a handful of powder, he
stepped into the fireplace. "Number 12, Grimmauld Place."
"What are you doing here?" demanded Black as soon as he spun into the room. He
seemed to be doing the same thing Snape had been just a moment ago, sulking
around.
Snape ignored him. "Lupin here?"
"What do you want with him?" Sirius barked.
Snape smirked. "I just want to have a little chat..."
"Did he talk to you about Harry's Occlumency lessons? Because I --"
"Yes," said Snape angrily. "Now tell me where he is!"
"Whatever you have to say to him you can see in front of me!"
"I wouldn't expect a mutt like you to understand an adult conversation like
this," snarked Snape.
"Try me."
Snape's hand hovered over his wand, before retracting. Rather than waste his
time talking to Black, he stepped out, looking around the old house. Like a
dog, Sirius followed him around the whole time, yapping on.
He knew Remus didn't live here, but he knew he had to try; he might be staying
here, after all. Where else did he have to go?
He opened the door to Black's dead brother's room, one he'd visited once
before. Failing to close the door before Black came in, he looked down at
Remus, crouched up on the floor, leaning into the bed.
Black squatted down next to him. "What happened, Remus? Did he do something to
you? I'll kick his ass --"
"No," said Remus, "It's nothing like that. Secrets and lies…" He turned to
Snape. "I'm a private man, Severus... I never want them to know... What would
they say...? I hate myself... for what I've done, who I am..."
That struck Snape. Lupin cared enough to push until something broke. Somehow he
got the idea -- the fantasy -- that the way Lupin had treated him for the last
two years wasn't the real him. The idea that somehow, deep down, everything
he'd told Snape was really lies. That Remus Lupin was nothing but a compulsive
liar. He was a marauding toerag who cared only for himself. Like Potter, like
Black. Why else would he have rejected him...?
But this was real, it had to be. Damn. There was more to it than Snape
himself had given Lupin credit for.
"What did you do?" said Snape, and Lupin looked up at him through his tears.
"Did you tell someone? About us?"
"You have no reason to hate yourself," said Black. "He'd deserve it --"
Snape had to laugh. "Something funny, Snivellus?" Black snapped.
"If we're relying on you to judge what anyone deserves, then we might as turn
ourselves over to the Dark Lord right now, for all the good it would do," Snape
retorted.
"Wait, Severus..." said Lupin, suddenly looking up in a shock realisation. "Why
are you even here?"
Snape looked back at Lupin coldly, with a loss of composure apparent in his
expression. Now that he was here in front of Lupin, he realised wasn't exactly
sure why he had come, or what he intended to say or do. Still, he had to think
of something.
"By no means am I concerned for you," he said.
"I never said you were."
"What I am concerned about," he continued, "is the fact… of what you know. It
was no idle threat when we discovered Miss Granger at our door months ago, but
she is far from the biggest concern on my list."
"You're afraid that I… might…?" asked Lupin.
"Indeed."
"Severus… I have kept this between us for over two years --"
"Indeed, and in that time information has passed to two Hogwarts students, your
old friend, Sirius Black, and now, it seems, another party? You have protected
those parties from the correct actions and indeed caused me strife again and
again for that secret. I still remain without reason from you why you have
indulged me in it in the first place."
"Hermione wasn't my fault, she was yours --"
"Excuses, and yet you have protected her more than anyone."
"I didn't mean any of it, please, you have to believe me --"
"Why?"
"Because…" Lupin sighed. "I don't know, Severus. I'm tired of arguing with you.
If you want to forgive me, be my guest. But if you insist on believing of me
who you really think I am, there's nothing I can do to stop you. You'll always
believe what you want to believe, won't you, Severus?"
“What is that supposed to mean?” Snape retorted. The look Lupin was giving him
now almost like real sympathy, delivered a pang of regret and desire to Snape,
and he wondered deep down if he really believed any of what Remus had always
said. But those wishes were hopeless, no matter what Lupin said to change his
mind. All he could do was continue to shield himself from it.
“What the hell do you think it means?” retorted Black.
“This is none of your business –“
“Like hell it’s not!” cried Black.
“Arrogant as ever, Black, always sticking your nose in where it doesn’t
belong.”
“Please, just stop,” said Lupin. “You know I love you –“
“Who?” said Black.
Lupin looked between them. “You don’t know what you’re doing to me, either of
you, do you? You don’t know how hard… All I ever want to be is true to myself,
but it’s so hard with you two always fighting over me.”
“I’m not –“ said Snape.

“Don’t try to deny it, Severus,” said Lupin, “you always have, even if you
won’t admit it, even if you’ve long given me up. And I know you can’t help it,
but please…” He looked at Black. “Don’t make me choose between you. You both
are equally as important to me, but I love you both in different ways. Severus,
it is you I want to be with, please believe that I’m telling the truth in that.
But Sirius,” he looked again at him, “you are like my family, honestly like a
brother. There was a time when I was tempted, when I wanted you to be the one,
but that would’ve been the easy way out. My life has never been easy, and I’ve
had to accept that.”
“That’s your excuse –“ said Snape.
“You cannot know…” said Lupin. “The only reason I ran to him after you rejected
me was because how much he reminded me of you –“
“I’m not like him,” both Snape and Black said at the same time.
“He was my friend. And it was complicated,” said Lupin.
There was a far-off look in Snape’s black eyes as he avoided Lupin’s gaze.
First he looked tormented, then angry. “That’s no excuse.”
“I’ve been trying to tell you for two years…” said Lupin. “I’ve only been
trying to explain, and you –“
“You’re the one who doesn’t understand,” said Snape, glaring at Lupin. “I can’t
forgive you for it, no matter what your reasons. I only wish you knew how it
felt –“
“Do you really?” said Lupin, sounded offended.
Snape looked at him sharply. “You really don’t understand –“
“That’s just the thing,” said Lupin. “I do. And now, here, you have a chance,
Severus. To settle the score between us, to patch old wounds. I would think
you’d want to take it.”
“It’s not that simple –“
“It is,” said Lupin. “If you let it be.”
“No,” said Snape. “I won’t.”
The next time Lupin saw Snape, Sirius was dead.
He wondered if Snape regretted his actions towards Lupin's old friend,
regretted getting him killed. But he knew he didn’t. He knew, just by seeing
the looking in his eyes, that hard, cold glare. Lupin frowned. How did they end
up here?
[End Chapter]
***** Tea and Sympathy *****
Chapter Summary
     Tonks deals with her separation from Lupin; Snape and Hermione find
     they have bigger concerns than their relationships, yet forced to
     deal with their feelings about their respective partners; and Draco
     rushes to grow up, with his deadly task hanging over his head.
It was a plague on the fading light, leaving a trail in the earth she walked
over; it was a plague on her heart as she walked away from the outskirts of the
Burrow, where she apparated, she watched the lights switch on and off around
the house. She smiled, watching the door for Molly. Fifty metres away, she
appeared, silhouetted in the light from the kitchen.
"Afternoon, Molly," said Tonks.
Molly smiled. "Welcome, Tonks. Come in, come in..." she said nurturingly. She
stepped aside from the frame, allowing Tonks inside.
Tonks went straight for a chair on the left of the table in the middle of the
room. Molly fussed around the kitchen, cleaning and rinsing cups, setting up
tea for the both of them. "So, tell me," she began at the counter, "how's life?
Are you holding up okay?"
"Honestly, Molly, I don't know. It feels like all the colour's gone out of the
world... I don't know what to do anymore, because I still love... but it all
just seems pointless now." Molly turned her back on the boiling tea, watching
Tonks. "I hate it," said Tonks. "Why doesn't he love me anymore?"
"Oh, honey, he does love you, I'm sure. He can't like seeing you this way. He's
just confused, that's all. He'll come around, I'm sure of it. I'll talk to him
as soon as I can. I'll make him see how much this is hurting you. He doesn't
want to see you hurt."
"I don't know, Molly... How do you know?"
"Don't be ridiculous. He'd be crazy not to love you. You may not see the colour
in the world right now, but it's there in front of you. We'd all like to see
that vibrant pink hair again..."
"Bubblegum pink," said Tonks. She smiled a little at Molly.
"See, there you go. Here," she turned around and poured the tea, settling down
with both of their cups, placing one in front of Tonks. "Have some tea," said
Molly. "Take it slow," she added, referring both to the tea and to Remus. "I'm
here for you. It'll all work out."
"I hope so," said Tonks. Carefully, she took a sip.
Molly smiled and drank her own in a similar sized sip. "It will. I promise."
"Thank you, Molly."
"You're very welcome," she replied. "Honestly, it's about time Remus settled
down. I want to see him with a nice witch. He's never had many relationships in
his lifetime, at least not that I've seen. He deserves to be happy. I just wish
he'd realise that, too. He needs to stop pulling away from the ones who love
him for once."
Tonks smiled, taking another sip. "Yeah," she agreed emphatically.
They sat in silence for a few moments, while Tonks nursed her tea. Molly
watched her as she drank; Tonks' body was so closed off, huddled around that
tiny cup, as though trying to cuddle up to it. It was obvious in her posture
that she missed Remus' body. She must be so lonely.
That sadness came crashing down on her again in that silence. She remembered
who she used to be, before she fell in love with Remus... but she was so far
from that person right now, she didn't think she could be that person that
Molly wanted her to be. She slumped over her tea.
Molly looked concerned. "Tell me your troubles," she said. "What's wrong?"
"I'm not that person anymore. I can't be... my patronus has even changed. I'm
sorry, Molly. You're going to have to deal with just me, as I am now."
"Hey," said Molly, "we all love you as you are. We just want you to be happy,
that's all."
"Including Remus?"
"I said he was in love with you, and I meant it."
"How do you know? Did he tell you?"
"Drink up, drink up, Tonks," said Molly.
"So he didn't. He doesn't."
"Look," said Molly, "whatever Remus' feelings, however scared he is right now,
or irresponsible, we're all here for you. Remember that. Never forget it."
Tonks nodded, forcing a smile. "Thanks, Molly."
There was a commotion at the door. Molly left her tea on the table, getting up
to answer it. Harry and Dumbledore. Embarrassed at being caught, Tonks wondered
if they had heard anything, and hid in the corner as Molly talked to them both.
Dumbledore offered her to stay, but that was the last thing she wanted right
now. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly," she said genuinely, before she
ran off into the night and disapparated.
 
Hermione came back down the stairs after talking to Ron and Harry. An hour ago,
Mrs. Weasley had brought Lupin to the Burrow for a private chat. Thankfully, it
was over by the time she made it into the kitchen, as she looked for something
to eat.
He was sitting alone at the table, eyes glazed over. She lingered briefly over
his bent form. His eyes were clouded over in a tortured gaze, directed straight
at the tablecloth.
"Lupin?" she asked, pausing over a cupboard. "Are you alright?"
He barely managed to spare her a passing glance. "Yes. I'm fine, Hermione," he
said, staring at the tablecloth again.
"What Mrs. Weasley had to talk to you about... wasn't very pleasant, was it? Is
there something going on?"
"No..."
She sat down across from him anyway, concerned. "You can talk to me," she
insisted. He still refused to look at her. "It's me, remember? Hermione. The
one you talked to about Professor Snape when you were at Hogwarts. The one who
knows all your problems, and has never told anyone. What's going on?"
"Not everything..." he mumbled.
Hermione squeezed Lupin's hands from across the table. Despite their age
difference, she considered him a dear friend, and she hated seeing him
miserable. "Whatever it is, Remus," she said with an emphatic tone, "you still
matter. Whatever she's doing to make you feel this way, remember it's not just
her feelings that matter. You need to stand up for yourself once and for
all..."
She squeezed harder. "If you want..." she said, "I mean..." Tears spilled
forth, seemingly from nowhere, "I can... you know... sort of... support you...
along... with this..."
He looked back on her, pityingly. His pursed lips told her he had no words.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I guess I... I don't know... I have the support of my
friends alright... but before I met them, I was alone, even with my parents..."
Remus forced a smile. "It was the same for me."
"And even with them, there are some things even they don't know. I'm quite good
at keeping secrets, you know. By now..."
"Can you keep mine?" asked Remus.
She forced her strength into her own smile. "Yes," she said.
"It's Tonks. She says she loves me. But I..." He drifted off.
"You don't love her," Hermione finished his sentence. He didn't make a move to
correct her, but they both knew it was true. "You should just tell her," said
Hermione. "If you need to... I mean, I don't know, if there's anything I can
do..."
"I'd like you by my side," Remus confirmed. He squeezed back.
"Holding hands?" she asked, nervously. "Aren't you afraid... she'll think...?"
"Of course not, Hermione, you're too young for me. Besides, I'll do the
talking."
"Don't feel you have to pressure yourself, though," said Hermione. "If you
can't speak, I'll explain to her..."
"You think you can handle that, Hermione?"
"Yes," she said. "Don't underestimate me."
He chuckled. "I don't think anyone could underestimate you, Hermione."
Hermione smiled. "I'll keep it private. I know you like things private. And I
don't blame you, either..."
She grimaced, feeling guilty. "I could be wrong. Just the other night, she was
talking to Tonks in the kitchen. Harry told me, after he arrived at the Burrow.
Mr. Weasley might not even know. But I don't know why Mrs. Weasley would keep
it from him..."
"Molly's very understanding," said Remus. "If someone needed her to keep a
secret, she would. So I don't want to know what they were talking about.
But..."
"You think it was you," said Hermione.
"Yeah."
Hermione looked away, staring out to the side. She withdrew her hands a little.
"I sympathise with Tonks. I sympathise with you too, of course, more than her,
but... I know what it's like... to have someone you love so much... to have
that unrequited. But..." she turned back to Remus. "I sympathise with you more.
To have someone... who won't leave you alone. To have them in your face,
harassing you, and you can't get rid of them. Even when heartbreak hurts, so
much, it's worse to face someone... that you'd rather not. It took me two years
to get past what I felt..." she looked away again, "and it probably wasn't as
bad, I probably didn't love him as much... as Tonks clearly loves you. It'll
take her longer. But she'll get past it too, eventually... I think. I'd rather
get through it, knowing that... then be bullied into a life I don't want."
She reached out for his hands again, squeezing hard. He squeezed back, looking
into her eyes with sympathy of his own. "I'm sorry, Hermione. What exactly is
it that's going on with you and Ron?"
She blinked, looking back at him.
"Or was it Draco?"
She blinked again, then sighed, looking down. "A little bit of both. God, I
hate him!"
"Draco, or Ron?"
She snorted. "Oh, I don't know! Draco I guess, but... Ron makes me so mad too!"
He rubbed her hand soothingly. "Breathe, Hermione. Tell me all about it."
It was fabricated, in her mind. It had to be. She didn’t want to sound crazy,
but her relationships were all about fighting, like that was what she was
attracted to. It couldn't be, could it?
"Okay, well Draco... hates me. I mean... I'm pretty he tried to get me expelled
last year, that's how much he... as great as this school break is, I just can't
stop thinking about that. I'm worried he'll try it again. I'm worried he'll
succeed. But most of all, I'm worried that he's doing it because he genuinely
hates me and wants to get rid of me. And despite everything, I... I don't want
to get rid of him. As much as I hate the drama, as much as I hate... the way he
acts... I don't hate him."
She let out a ragged breath, relieved. It was so much to say... it was a heavy
load.
Lupin smiled emphatically, and it was an even bigger relief to smile back. "I
know just what you mean," said Lupin, and Hermione knew automatically. "Snape,"
she said. He nodded.
There was an idea between them, one that rippled into importance through
everyone that knew it, one with the power to become so knowable that it was a
common reference. In this case, it was the idea of tainted love. Love that
shouldn't work, love that you wouldn't want to work... but does, all the same.
It permeated through them, it existed like life existed. It existed in waves,
like pounds to the heart. They both knew it in the same way. And if they were
lucky, so did Snape and Draco. If they were lucky, they had the chance to
change their minds and make them realise that it was something worthwhile,
something to take a chance on. That's all Lupin had ever fought for with
Snape...
Hermione wasn't sure, but she had a feeling that she wanted to do the same. She
had a feeling that what Lupin was doing was something to look up to.
What she wasn't sure of was Draco. And if she wasn't sure...
"What about Ron?" asked Lupin.
What about Ron? Now that was another thing... Even if he was a safer choice...
he made her so mad sometimes, and he broke her up sometimes... but he made her
feel safe, something Draco never did. Maybe that was the essential difference.
"I don't know what to do," she confessed. "Ron is just Ron. On the outside,
he's just ordinary. Inside, I think he's... he has a good heart, but he's
just... There's just something there that lashes out, that settles, that...
that's unhappy. Maybe if I could reach that part, but he's always pushing me
away. And I let him, because... he has this talent for spreading his misery. I
start to feel... depressed or furious, and that toxic self-talk roots into me
and shoots from my mouth. Well, that's where Draco comes in, because maybe
he's right. Maybe I'm better off without him," she said.
She could already see Lupin wanted to say something to her; to comfort her, to
tell her it wasn't true. Instead he just sat there, gaping like a fish. He knew
as well as her that there was no advice here that he could give her.
"I don't know what to say," he admitted.
"Hey, Hermione!" a familiar voice hollered down the stairs as the sound of
descending footsteps suddenly reached her. It was Ron. "Where's that food?
You've been down there for ages!"
"Oh!" she cried, bursting to her feet. "Sorry Ron, I forgot. Go back upstairs,
I'll be there in a moment."
"What have you been doing down here?" he called, though thankfully the
footsteps had stopped.
"Sorry!" she called again. "It's just... I was catching up with someone!" she
cried, wiping away what remained of her tears as she rushed around the kitchen,
collecting food at a slower pace than she would have liked, given the chance
that Ron could waltz in at any time.
"Catching up...? Is Lupin down there?"
Hermione hesitated, not wanting to answer, focused on the food instead.
"Hello, Ron," Lupin called anyway.
The footsteps started up again, descending the last few steps as Ron came
towards the kitchen. "Hey, Lupin," he said as he strolled through the open
door. "Are you staying over or something? My mom called you here..."
"No, just stopping by for the morning. Mrs. Weasley tells me you have some
things to buy in Diagon Alley later..."
"Yeah. And we're getting our O.W.Ls results this afternoon in the mail," he
said without enthusiasm. "Hermione's probably gotten all Os..."
Hermione blushed. "Oh, well I... I don't know about that..."
"You always get top marks," Ron complained. "I mean... Come on, let's just go,
Hermione."
"Well, alright then," she said. They both started grabbing the snacks to head
out. "See you when we come back from Diagon, I suppose," said Ron.
"Actually, I won't be here then."
"Before Hogwarts, then."
"I'm sorry, Ron, I'm afraid I'll be leaving until Hogwarts goes on break. I'll
be a bit busy."
"Busy? Doing what?" griped Ron.
"I have an important job soon for the Order, working with the werewolves..."
"What?" said Hermione. She and Ron exchanged looks.
"I'm a spy," clarified Lupin. "I'm afraid I won't be around much this year."
"That's a shame," said Hermione.
"What are you gonna do?" asked Ron.
"Voldemort has werewolves within his ranks. I'm going to be living among
them..."
"What for?"
"Oh, Ron, stop it! If it's for the Order, Lupin probably shouldn't tell us too
much!"
"But I get sick of being left out all the time!"
"So join when you turn seventeen. We should probably take these snacks up to
Harry, anyway."
"But it's not fair. Fred and George are already seventeen, and I have to wait
another year."
Lupin smiled wistfully at them. "You two are growing up fast. I remember when I
met you for the first time at Hogwarts... back then, your biggest concern was
which teacher you had for your school classes each day, not Voldemort and his
bloody war."
"That's not entirely true..." said Hermione.
"Yeah, we've had spiders and werewolves and Voldemort still trying to kill
Harry, you know!"
"Well," said Lupin, "it still felt like it to me at the time. I sometimes
forget everything you've had to deal with in your young lives." He sighed,
regretfully.
Ron hugged the snacks to his chest, rushing towards the stairs. "Well, don't
want to keep Harry waiting as long as you did, Hermione!"
Hermione realised she had one last moment with Lupin as soon as Ron had began
bounding up the stairs. "You miss it, don't you? Being young?" she said
sympathetically, feeling bad.
"More than that," he said.
"What?" she asked.
He sighed again. "Nothing, Hermione. I've bothered you long enough with my
problems. Go hand out with your friends; these days may not last forever."
"But --"
"Hermione..." He looked so grisly and old as he looked up at her. "You have a
charmed life. Don't waste it."
She realised he might feel better if she actually left. "Okay," she conceded.
"I'll do it, for you." And slowly she left the kitchen, climbing the stairs.
 
Lupin was glad of the time he had before the six long months he had before him.
Severus had certainly been a spy before, for many years. Lupin himself was very
well aware of the risks here, too, as well as the fact that all that roughing
it in the wild was going to be hard on his body. Especially without the
Wolfsbane Potion he'd come to rely on for three years.
But he had to do it... and in the long run, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. The
only hard part would be convincing them. He wasn't looking forward to it. But
all he had to do was think of Severus, and he would be inspired. Severus was
someone who had acted as a spy for most of his adult life. He was good, and
Lupin was determined to match him.
As promised, by the time Harry and his friends reached Hogwarts, Remus was
facing a pack of wild werewolves. He had mixed feelings about the men he was
surrounded by; on the one hand, he had always been a wolf without a pack,
struggling in society as one alone. Now that he fitted into some kind of mold,
it was comforting. But on the other hand, these were all Voldemort's troops,
and his new men were just as likely to reject him as anybody in London. Worse,
they likely expected him to be just as brutal as they all were.
Snarls and dirty looks directed at him were the regular order of the day and
night. Again, it reminded him of Severus, and he knew he could take care of
himself. Had it not been for the preparation Severus had unknowingly given him,
Lupin wasn't sure if he'd be able to make it through this whole ordeal. He made
a point to thank him later.
Closing his eyes, Lupin recalled with a proud smile his most recent victory
when he'd gained, facing all that hostility, just that small bit of trust with
the werewolves that had allowed him into the pack. But it was a fragile
balance, and rather still an uphill battle just to stay there, but it was still
a success so far.
Fenrir Greyback was there too. He had rarely seen him since that first battle,
hidden away in the center of their temporary settlement while Lupin remained on
the outskirts, but he knew his maker had a score to settle with him, and it was
almost more painful waiting.
He opened his eyes with a deep frown. It was going to be a long month.
 
Hermione was worried. With Harry's late entrance into the Great Hall and the
blood on his shirt, it was obvious that something had happened to him on his
way back from Slughorn's compartment on the train.
When Harry explained, Hermione was horrified. Of course, she still didn't
believe what Harry had been saying about Draco being a Death Eater -- she had
known him too long to think that -- but what Draco had done was beyond sour
grapes; it was malicious.
She looked over towards Draco, sitting and laughing, telling the story to his
Slytherin peers with great amusement.
She wasn't happy about that; perhaps she would have to confront him later about
it.
 
Severus grabbed a bagel from in front of him, sinking into it with a satisfying
bite. The man was in a good mood; the man he hated most in the world was going
away — for a long time. Finally, he had a break from Remus Lupin.
It was trip that had the potential to teach the werewolf an important lesson.
Maybe now he might even understand now how Severus felt; both as a spy, and on
a more personal level.
He didn't want to get his hopes up, but perhaps Lupin would finally leave him
alone, once and for all.
"Good morning, Severus," came a weathered voice, passing behind him. He looked
up from his bagel just in time to see Dumbledore sitting down in his spot along
the staff table. He already has a plate full of elf-made food waiting for him,
and he tucked in.
Severus muttered a brief greeting before returning to his bagel.
Dumbledore interrupts him again. "I know it's the first morning of school,
Severus, but I'll still have to request your presence in my office next Sunday
evening. I have a few things I need to discuss."
Severus looked back at Dumbledore. "Yes, Headmaster."
Even though Dumbledore had given him the position he'd coveted since he began
teaching at Hogwarts, he had no doubt that this was partially due to the strong
connection they had grown since he joined the Order of the Phoenix last year.
Even before that, there was a certain level of trust, but there was also a
level of manipulation on his part, not a concept that Snape was unfamiliar
with; if anything, he had fought against it his whole life.
But when it came to Dumbledore, he was left with little choice but to submit,
and he had even now dared to believe that their dependence on each other had
freed itself from that same manipulation. There was a level of doubt, of
course, but there was another level of actual trust on Snape's side for once.
Lily really did make him weak.
It didn't make Dumbledore any less of a chessmaster, of course. Few people saw
that that was just who Dumbledore was; a cold, detached bastard, just like
Snape himself. With a few key differences in opinions, of course...
 
"How dare you!" cried Hermione, as she caught Draco headed towards his common
room. She was alone. He had both Crabbe and Goyle at his sides. "You didn't
just attack Harry this time, Malfoy! This wasn't just some silly curse! You
made him bleed! You almost made him miss Hogwarts! Do you have any idea how
damaging that could have been?"
Draco just turned to her with a sneer. "I don't care," he said genuinely. "What
have I got to lose?"
"Harry thinks you're a Death Eater now. Why don't you prove him wrong?"
"Make me," he said. "I don't have anything to prove to him," he scoffed.
"Don't you realise what a serious accusation that is? You're only sixteen!
You're not that evil, Malfoy. I know you," she pleaded. "For you to be a Death
Eater already..."
"Too much for you to handle?" Draco teased.
"You may be a bit underhanded, and sometimes a bit unpleasant... but... you
don't really want to kill people, do you, Malfoy?"
"You tell me," he challenged. "You obviously know me a lot better than I do!"
Hermione tensed, briefly looking between Crabbe and Goyle before landing back
on Draco. "Could we have a moment?"
Draco looked at them. "Crabbe, Goyle," he demanded, and flicked his head. They
started to walk away.
Hermione stepped forward. "Okay, maybe I'm being unfair," she reasoned. "I've
only known and watched you for six years. But over the last three... I thought
I had a reasonable idea of who you really are. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you
really are a Death Eater. Tell me there isn't a difference between evil and
dangerous. Tell me all those spite moves you made against me or anyone else
weren't motivated by some sad jealousy, but some evil rage. But don't tell me,
Draco, that I don't know anything about you, because I'll know it's a lie!"
She was crying now, her tears falling unabashedly. Maybe he was right before,
when he said that him being a Death Eater was too much for her to handle. But
if he was one, she wanted to know.
"I don't have to tell you anything either," he said.
"Yes, you do!" she cried. "Harry may not have ever really been involved in your
private life, but I have! You owe me something!"
"I don't owe you a damn thing! I've been trying to get rid of you --"
"Oh, is that what you were doing! This entire time, then? Oh yes, because that
makes perfect sense! Then why did you take it on your own to seek me out all
these past years? Why did you never tell me to just go away? Why would you
choose to let me suffer rather than let me go? Because somewhere down the line,
you started to care too, didn't you? You called me Hermione once, don't you
remember? And there was something behind it too; don't think I don't know that
you've been trying hard not to call me that ever since, or even since before
then! Why don't you just admit it, Draco! You like me deep down, don't you?
Despite the fact that I'm a mudblood, as you so delicately put it."
They were both silent for a moment, each looking back at each other. Draco
looked around.
"What's the matter? Afraid someone might find out your little secret, that
you're not as pure as you claim to be?"
"I'm a pure-blood!" he cried. "What are you? You're nothing!"
"You keep telling yourself that."
Draco stepped on the back foot. "Running away, are we?" said Hermione.
He pressed his foot forward. "You want me to tell you something?" said Draco.
"I'll tell you something right now! I don't need you anymore! I don't want you
anymore! All I was for the last three was some lovesick puppy. If it wasn't
Snape, it was you. But it's time to grow up. I don't want or need either one of
you. I'm fine, as long as I have my family."
"That's not what it looked like in Diagon Alley, running away from your mother.
So tell me, Draco, if you don't have her, what do you have?"
Draco looked back at her, looking furious. He ran away.
 
"You undermined me to one of my worst students," Snape complained as he stalked
into Dumbledore's office the following Sunday. "What was Potter doing in here
yesterday evening?"
"I'm afraid that's confidential, Severus," explained Dumbledore calmly.
"Confidential!" cried Snape. "Isn't our whole partnership confidential? Don't I
know all the ins and outs of all your grand schemes? What are you telling
Potter that you're not telling me?"
"Now, now, there's no need to get jealous, Severus."
"Jealous --" he cried.
"There is one other secret I can share with you," said Dumbledore. "There is a
particular reason I gave you that Dark Arts position, besides rewarding you
with all your loyal years here..."
"There's more I have to do for you? Besides just...?"
"No," he said. "Just something you should know. That old Potions book, the one
of yours you lent me over the summer holiday... I'm afraid you won't be getting
that back particularly soon. I planted that in Slughorn's hands to get to Harry
in his new Potions class. I have given Potter an assignment; he's going to need
all the help he can get, after all is said and done."
"He doesn't deserve that book. It was mine!" said Snape.
"Nevertheless, he has it. And Severus, you must not take it away from him.
Harry has a lot to learn, in this last year that I have left. He must be able
to survive without me. Don't you want to give Lily's son every chance of
surviving that you can?"
Snape hesitated. "Even now, you're manipulating her son. How do I know you're
not still manipulating me?"
"You'll just have to trust me."
There was something in that sentence that churned the bitterness inside him.
Not just bitterness for everything Dumbledore had ever said and done to him,
but bitterness for everyone who had ever asked him to trust them; in his
experience, anyone who asked that of him could not be trusted. Everyone had
something to hide.
"Trust you?" repeated Snape sardonically. With Dumbledore's last sentence, he
had wrenched all trust from Snape's mind and pulled his doubt to the surface.
"Trust you," he repeated. "How can I trust a man who won't tell me what I'm
doing everything for? How can I trust a man who is constantly manipulating
everyone around him? How can I trust you, Dumbledore, when I know I am already
a key piece in everyone you have manipulated, in this big picture of yours?"
"Because, if you don't," said Dumbledore, "Lily's son will die."
As usual, Snape gave in. Dumbledore was never one for tea and sympathy; after
all, the most popular people are always the most manipulative of all.
 
Hermione had other things to worry about now besides Draco. She was still
worried about him and about the way they left it. But seeing him around
Hogwarts, melding into school life like normal, comforted her. It can't have
been something so severe as to interrupt his normal activities or mood. He was
just fine, she promised herself.
She didn't really believe that. But she couldn't dwell on it anymore. Draco was
only going to do what he was going to do, and if he wasn't going to bother her,
she had no reason to bother him. If she was honest, though, she was really just
trying to forget about him. She just couldn't think about Draco right now. She
really didn't want to like someone like him, and besides, her friends needed
her.
Harry was her new worry. Not because of anything Draco did -- but because of
his new Potions book, property of the Half-Blood Prince.
Harry preferred not to be lectured about the Half-Blood Prince, even if he
didn't seem to mind her wondering with him and Ron who the Prince actually was.
It automatically became a huge distraction for her; she was delving deeply into
the mystery, losing herself in it, even using it to propel her away from Malfoy
when she spotted him in the library.
Not that he seemed to mind. That seemed to niggle away in her mind too, enough
to want to drive her away from her books towards him. But she held strong. She
didn't need to delve into Draco's mind or motivations anymore. They were almost
adults, and they both had other things to worry about than petty little love
games.
 
Snape returned to his old office while Slughorn was out socialising with his
students, he just couldn't resist the pull of old memories nor the sentiment of
everything that had transpired there.
He thought of Lupin. Snape knew he cared little about controlling others, not
having that same contempt for people outside himself that Snape did. Lupin was
a more self-deprecating man than that. Out in the woods, with all those wild
werewolves... that was a dangerous setting for someone like Lupin. His self-
control would be disapproved by his peers.
He threw a jar into the fireplace. The echo of Lupin ran through his head; even
though he hadn't seen Lupin in weeks, it felt like the man was stalking his
mind. And when he thought of the Half-Blood Prince's book in the hands of
someone like Potter, he felt like his personal, private life was slipping
through his fingers, like he no longer had control over his own life.
After all these years, and other people were controlling him, not the other way
around. Instead of being in control like he'd always been, other people were
actually defeating him. He was an expert! How could he be getting so careless?
Snape straightened his posture, stepping towards the fireplace. He could see
the bits of glass sticking up along the logs of firewood and the edges of the
fireplace. Snapped and scrambled porcupine quills stuck out and laid flat all
over the place. "Incendio," he incantated, burning and melting the evidence of
his rage in an attempt to get rid of it.
He settled down into his chair. He had faced old demons in here, and hidden
from many more. His collection of Potions ingredients had grown largely in the
time he'd been here, and it kept him isolated from the many inhabitants of this
castle during his time teaching here. Even in his new office, there were
memories that haunted him; it was the very same office that Lupin had inhabited
for a whole year, the one Lupin had kissed him in.
Snape wanted to every jar in this place, but he thought too much of his rare
ingredients and the time and effort he had gone to in order to procure them. He
balled his fists beside him, watching the fire destroy the quills, watching
with a hateful intensity that filled his body. Lupin like fireplaces...
Why was everything about Lupin now? When would that bastard just leave him
alone?
He stormed over towards his old desk and sank down at it. A memory flashed
before him, of himself only two years ago yanking a parchment and quill before
him to write a letter to that incorrigible werewolf with some long-lingering
crush on him. It was a letter that ended up in the fireplace and into Lupin's
hands, demanding him to leave it alone. Lupin had ended up again in this office
within the next two weeks.
Then, without warning, a long forgotten comment floated down to him from his
school days: If it lasts for more than six months, it's not a crush; it's love.
An echo from his fifth year he'd never listened to. It was just a gaggle of
lovesick Ravenclaws. He stopped for a moment, trying to remember what he had
been thinking about; the preparation for a major Potions essay.
But he remembered... that worst memory of his youth... He had known exactly
where he was going, staring down at his test. Even then, he had settled down at
that place so that he could watch Lupin, believing in all his distracted
naiveté that Potter might not notice him.
But Potter never missed an opportunity to bully him. And in the perfect
insult, he used Snape's own spell to do it; one reserved for people like him,
for the Potters and Blacks of the world. And then to add Lily to it...
Snape was overcome with a wave of shame, one that wasn't unfamiliar to him. He
had been tracking Lupin because, like the werewolf himself later in life, he'd
convinced himself he had a crush on him. After all, even if Lily and him were
friends, it was never gonna happen between them, and he knew it. But Lupin...
in other circumstances, Lupin would've been perfect for him. Especially given
their history, and what it obviously revealed about him...
Snape put his head in his hands. Even now, those feelings came back to him;
they never really left, he had just buried them so deep he'd forgotten... It's
love... That sentence had struck a chord in him. That's what had distracted
him. Even before that worst memory, it was strong in him. Even during school,
he was guarded. He had to be. No one would ever have known.
It's not love. All these years, he believed it. Especially after he left school
and became a Death Eater, free to ignore Lupin as much as he wanted. Even then,
there was an undignified misery in his memories.
But then Lupin came to Hogwarts, and Lupin's crush didn't end after that
appointment. It didn't even end after the reunion of the Order of the Phoenix.
And the more Lupin was around, the more Snape came to see the lies he'd
continued to tell himself... it might even be what Lupin claimed all along...
love.
That was the crowning moment of all this private misery, what brought Lupin to
his mind constantly even though he was far enough away now to ignore. It had
all gone too far for him now. The truth, the miserable, hopeless truth that
he'd always denied... that he wanted not to be... was that he, amongst all the
hate he felt about it, loved Lupin.
And that was the most torturous thing he could imagine, unless it was that all
of the Wizarding World found out his dark secret. Or perhaps, that Lupin had
been thinking of Black, in the darkness of that room; black hair. If Lupin was
really in love with Black all this time, surely he couldn't imagine anything
worse than that, after all the man had already put him through. It was a proven
fact that Lupin was a reckless dunder-head in love.
 
Hermione listened to the secrets Harry had told her from his first lesson with
Dumbledore alongside Ron. Now that that old life of secrets and lies with
Snape, Draco and Lupin were ebbing from her life, she allowed herself to fully
immerse herself into Harry and Ron's life again. Getting away from the usual
mind games was a welcome respite, and she set her true talents to work.
She often caught glares from Draco directed at her, but the other two of them
barely noticed. She wondered about him.
She had ignored him for two entire months since school began, but now he was
drawing her attention. Maybe this was how girls got addicted to their own
drama; they were sucked into retaliation by nothing more than a stare, so
consumed by their relationships that anything could set them off. Well,
Hermione wasn't going to do that. After all,  it wasn't her feelings for Draco
that drew her attention to him, but her suspicions about him. Despite the fact
that she didn't think he was a Death Eater, she wasn't exactly in love with him
either, never mind how she'd acted in the past. Ill-conceived crushes aside,
there was nothing real between them.
Except, maybe there was.
Draco's eyes as they locked onto her and her friends... was it because of
jealousy, or had he come really to hate her? The last time they had talked
privately was two months ago, near the start of school, and it was over what
he'd done to Harry.
It felt like forever ago. And clearly something was on his mind. It would just
be better to let it out; keeping things bottled inside is never good for
anyone.
"Okay, what is it?" Hermione demanded, in the halls along the Configuration
Courtyard, as she approached him.
"Don't know what you're on about," retorted Draco.
"You know exactly what I'm on about," answered Hermione, narrowing her eyes at
him. "You are constantly glaring at me, so I wanna know -- what is your problem
with me?"
"It's none of your business, Granger," said Draco, almost launching forward.
"Don't bite my head off," said Hermione, raising her wand. "You've been so
tense lately. What's going on with you?" She dropped her shoulder.
Draco set her a glare. "Don't think you can scare me anymore with that piece of
wood," he said, nodding at her wand. "I'm not a ferret anymore, Granger, I'm a
man."
"Then why do you look like such a scared little kid?"
"Why you --"
She raised her wand again and beat him to the punch. "Ventus!"
"Confr--"
Draco was hit by the spiralled wind force and fell onto his back. Hermione,
rather than proud at her victory, was horrified. "You tried to use the Blasting
Curse on me?" she cried, seeing herself burning in her mind from an explosion
in the courtyard. She burst forward, her wand still poised. "What are you up
to, Malfoy? Tell me now, or I swear --"
"You'll what?" threatened Malfoy. He remained on his back, as Hermione was
already bent to close to him, wand at his face. "So what if I'm done with
childish hexes?"
"Confringo is not something to play around with --"
"Who said I'm playing?" he retorted.
She gaped. "Are you saying you really did try to do that to me? What kind of
man does that, Malfoy? If you really are what Harry thinks... you could've
hospitalised me. And everyone would've seen you. Everyone would know what you
really are now, Malfoy. Who are you? What kind of person are you?"
"One who does what he has to."
"What is that supposed to mean?" said Hermione. She lowered her wand.
He raised his.
"You bastard --"
"Back up," he commanded.
She stood up tall, taking a couple of steps back. He got to his feet staring at
her, looking down only a second as he pushed himself up. In that precious
window, she raised her wand again.
Back on his feet, he looked at her, wand still poised. They were staring each
other down now, wands each directed at each other. "So, is it down to round
two?" sneered Draco, nostrils flared, eyes hollow.
"I don't want to do this, Draco."
"Of course not, now you see that I'm playing for keeps!" he snapped.
Hermione furrowed her eyebrows. "That's not..."
"What, Granger?"
She looked at him. "If you were merely jealous... you wouldn't be this angry.
There's something more to it, isn't there? A lot more."
"What are you talking about? It doesn't have anything to do with you."
"Answer the question," repeated Hermione. "If you were really a man, you'd
understand you can't just keep lurking after me like an attention-starved kid.
I know you don't really have a heart this dark, so prove me wrong. Please," she
begged. "I know Harry's wrong about you."
"I don't owe Potter anything. I don't even owe it to you, Granger. Ready for
round two? Confringo--"
"Ventus!"
The two blasts met in between them, and Malfoy's curse overcame Hermione's. She
was thrown back, feeling burnt and torn. As she lay on the ground, she tried to
move, but it hurt too much. "Malfoy!" she cried. "I'm a prefect! I can get you
into extra trouble if you don't take me to Madam Pomfrey. If you do, I'll only
tell Snape about this. You wouldn't want people to get suspicious about who you
really are, would you?"
"I don't care what people think of me, Granger," said Malfoy. "All I'd have to
do is use the Imperius Curse if they didn't listen to what I said."
"People can fight the Imperius Curse. Remember Professor Moody's lesson two
years ago?"
"You mean Professor Crouch Jr., don't you?" said Draco. "Besides, the only one
who bothered to fight that curse was Potter, and ended up hurting himself. I
think I'll be fine." And he began to turn and leave.
"So it's true, then. You are a Death Eater."
Draco stopped, and turned back to her. "Fine, I'll take you to Snape. If anyone
asks --"
"I'll say I got caught in another crossfire. Maybe Fred and George's leftover
fireworks..."
 
Snape was not impressed. He glared at Malfoy like a first year who'd spent an
entire class without their cauldron lit. They stood alone in Snape's too-bright
office. "I understand following the Dark Lord's orders. But I don't think he
said anything about putting fellow Hogwarts students into the hospital wing. We
are just fortunate you brought her to me and not Madam Pomfrey. It's not enough
to be loyal to him, Draco. You have to be smart, as well. Granger's friends are
none the wiser. You remember your own Occlumency lessons, I trust?
Compartmentalisation isn't just an essential tool in Occlumency, but in life.
You have to separate your Death Eater life with your life here at Hogwarts.
Yes, I know you're a Death Eater, and about your mission. Your mother came to
me over the summer."
"Of course she did," said Malfoy flatly. He was really beginning to tire of
that woman. "I can do it by myself," he said. "I don't need anyone else. I
understand now. If killing Dumbledore is as simple as Occlumency, I'll have it
done by winter holiday."
"Do not underestimate Dumbledore," said Snape. "He is as strong an opponent as
any of us have ever faced. You'd do well to remember that."
"So you don't believe I can do it either!" cried Malfoy.
Snape's expression remained unchanged; a stiff glare pierced him
unapologetically. "You don't!" continued Draco.
"You are just a child, Malfoy, you could not possibly --"
"A child! You still think of me like that!"
There was a mild hint of surprise in Snape's eyes, and he leaned slightly back.
"You still think of me that way?" he asked.
"Of course not -- I mean..."
Snape raised an eyebrow. "I'm not going to fall for it," said Draco. "I'm not
gonna do that again. It was stupid. No, I don't care about you -- at all,
anymore!"
"I appreciate it," said Snape. "But still, there is the issue of your
recklessness --"
"It won't happen again. If it does --"
"--then we'll have another little chat soon, I'm sure," concluded Snape.
"So I can go now?" said Draco.
Snape nodded, and Draco rushed out of there.
 
His eyes were grey clouds, storming over. Expressionless. Hermione couldn't
help but notice them. Draco Malfoy was definitely in a bad mood. Nothing else
in his expression was imprinted on her memory like those eyes. He wasn't even
looking at her. He was looking past her, at nothing... perhaps inwards into
himself.
He was obviously troubled. She had intended to talk to him to clear up
everything that had been going on, to put an end to it. But not now, she
couldn't talk to him now. It wasn't a good time. She felt strange and unusual.
There was something indescribable in the way she felt looking at him, something
you could only understand if you were feeling it. It wasn't just pity, it ran
deeper than that.
But what else could she do? She had to try, at the very least.
She found him sitting with the Slytherins next class. Malfoy remaining quite
sombre throughout, though Pansy was just furious. She marched towards him to
demand answers from him.
As she moved closer, she slowed down, grew more cautious as she noticed there
was no one around Draco. The Slytherins weren't hanging over him at all, she
realised, they were just near him. She wondered how he would react to her if
she talked to him now. She grew restless just thinking about it. What was she
thinking?
She was standing in front of him now, looking down at him. She was going to do
this. She had to, there was no other option. "Malfoy?" she said, unsure. His
eyes shot up to her, incredible unspoken fury flaring in them, storm clouds
fierce now. Her eyes withdrew out of intimidation by the sudden glaring.
"What?" he snapped.
The shock made her stumble over her words, trying desperately to remember what
she had to say.
"What do you want?" he repeated.
"I wanted to see if you're alright," said Hermione. "I don't care what you're
really up to, because looking at you right now... you look awful, Draco."
"Draco, Draco," he mocked her. "What, are you calling me by my first name so
I'll tell you all my secrets? Even in your personal life, you're a grubber."
"I am not --" she started to say. She couldn't really argue with the way she
was always looking for recognition from her teachers by giving all the answers
and being a diligent student, but it wasn't what she was doing now. She just
wanted him to feel better, somehow.
"Yes, you are," he glared. "Now piss off."
Her mood shifted into concern. "Malfoy..."
"Piss off, I said!" Draco pushed her away, storming in the other direction.
Hesitantly, she followed, treading carefully after him.
"What is wrong with you, Granger?" he snapped around and demanded. "Can't you
take a hint? Don't you know anything about tact?"
"Tact is for those not witty enough to be sarcastic," Hermione said.
"What?"
Hermione shrugged. "I heard a Ravenclaw say that once."
He turned back around in frustration and continued stalking off. She continued
to follow until he bit, "You'll quit following me if you know what's good for
you."
Regretfully, she watched him leave.
She felt bad; something was obviously stressing him out, and she was desperate
to find out what it was, but she couldn't very well stalk Malfoy, could she?
Didn't stop Harry doing just that due to his ridiculous theory, but you don't
generally stalk someone you hate... Hermione was the last person in their
little group that hated him, but now she was beginning to think that Harry
didn't hate him anymore either.
Only, those stormy eyes... they were drifting further and further away. She was
starting to think that maybe he didn't even care about Harry anymore. He was
glaring at her less, withdrawing further away... he might have depression. She
didn't like this, the way he was feeling. It made her uncomfortable in her own
skin. She had to do something. If only there was something she could do...
 
Draco had eyes for no one anymore. Not his peers, teachers, not Hermione, and
not Snape. It was all trivial bullshit compared to his family, the danger, his
mission. He would do anything to keep them safe. He'd even kill that old fool,
Dumbledore. And he could do it; he just had to figure out how.
It would take underhanded tactics, but since when had Draco been against that?
He smirked as he played out his plan. It was perfect, right under everyone's
noses. Stupid Professor McGonagall actually still expected him to hand in
homework with everything going on... It's all just an act, isn't it, why should
it even matter? But it gave him a cover, so...
He found out only coming out of detention what had happened, how it had all
gone wrong... He felt more hopeless and angry than ever before.
The only one who cared was Moaning Myrtle. He had run into the girls' bathroom
by accident; he had been running for the boys', his unshed tears blinding him,
and ran into the girls' instead. She was one of the few helping him get through
this year.
 
Snape was wary of Malfoy.
He couldn't be too careful anymore, with everything that was going on not just
in their lives, but with all he was doing behind closed doors. What Snape was
doing, what Draco was doing, what the Order was doing. Even what the Dark Lord
was doing.
Potter was another piece in this tricky game of spies and betrayal. Dumbledore
had spent over a decade forcing him to protect him. Not that he hadn't bowed
into this willingly, of course. Snape thought back three years ago, when Malfoy
had invaded his personal space with his... persistent motivations. He had
become just as bad as Potter back then, and yet... he had treated him the same
as ever. And it wasn't just because he was a Slytherin.
There had always been something about Malfoy to him. He'll admit, his
attention-starved mind took some sort of satisfaction in Draco's worshipping
idolisation, even as his teenage years brought a new obnoxious facet to his
personality, and that idolisation grew into some twisted fantasy.
As much as he was repulsed by it, as much now as then, he was still flattered
by the fascination. And Malfoy was getting older...
But that would only make him as sick as Malfoy was. Besides, even if Malfoy was
his own age, he would never feel for him the way he felt for Lily, or even
Lupin. His relationship with Malfoy was all ego.
He huffed in frustration. He didn't need this. He sat back in his office.
Her face swirled before his memory... her long, smooth dark red hair, green
eyes, pink cheeks, every pore of her face... "Remus has been asking after you,"
she told him. His teenage self staggered on his feet, still hypnotised by her.
It took a moment to focus onto her words, and even then it was reluctant.
"What?" he asked anyway.
"He's been bugging me heaps about it," she said. "I can barely get any peace in
Gryffindor Tower. I heard his friends making fun of him once about it. So I
swore I'd tell you."
"Lupin is no better than any of them," he stated.
"I don't know, Sev," said Lily. "He seems so sweet."
"It's a mask," said Severus. He should know.
"Look, Sev, did he do something to you? Did you do something to him?"
"A bit of both."
"Then what?" she asked.
Snape's mind shifted. He was older now, they were grown men, out of Hogwarts.
Lupin was facing him now in the chill, wind-swept small town after she'd died.
"You're all I have left," Lupin told him. "Maybe you're all I ever had. All
that ever really counted."
"But you don't have me. You don't have anyone now, werewolf. What are you doing
here?"
"I had to see you."
"Nothing's changed, then."
"Can't that be a good thing? We're free to be together --"
"You are just as parasitic as you've ever been, Lupin! There is no doubt about
that!"
"Parasitic. Is that what I am? I like you, Severus. I always have, despite
everything."
"Everything, Lupin?" Snape drawled. "When I was a Death Eater, you would've
stood by me?"
"Well, I..."
"No, you wouldn't," Snape answered. "And you never would. One thing you should
know well about me by now... I do not suffer liars. You do not love me, Lupin,
you never could."
"Severus," laughed Lupin, "who said anything about love?"
Snape shuddered himself from his thoughts. Another memory he could do without.
More to that, another memory about Lupin. Not even Lily could oppress his mind
anymore, and he actually did love her.
How do you solve a problem like Remus Lupin? The best he could do was take all
the worst memories of him and deposit them in the closest Pensieve, of course.
Some burdens were too heavy to carry with the rest of his mental luggage.
Snape forced himself to focus. Remus Lupin was the last of his worries right
now. Snape was beginning to think that maybe it was the time to be honest with
Malfoy. But the boy's increasingly paranoid mind might be a cause for concern.
He opened the letter on his desk.
'My office, this Sunday. I have a new job for you, Severus.
-- Dumbledore'
[End Chapter]
***** Angst and Anxiety *****
Chapter Summary
     Hermione tries to get close to Malfoy, finding her trust in him
     wavering, and Lupin struggles in his mission for the Order, already
     devastated at the mess of his relationships.
Dumbledore met with Snape that Sunday to tell him exactly what he'd both been
dreading and waiting to hear. He was to offer to help Malfoy in order to get on
the inside. Another spy job.
As Snape was walking down the halls, music started to fade in. The Slug Club
was having another bloody party. When Snape was in school, he wasn't allowed
into that club because of his association with the Death Eaters, just like
Malfoy now. Although, Snape recalled thinking as he saw a flash of golden hair
breaking into the party, he wasn't quite so reactive about it. There was
something odd to him about the dismissive way Malfoy acted towards anything but
that cause, not acting merely as a Slytherin but as one with only the most
shallow of ambitions.
Slughorn let Malfoy stay. Would he have been so gracious had Snape done that in
school, he wondered? It was a weak position. Nevertheless, he had more
important business with Malfoy than some party. Snape pulled him out, despite
Draco's efforts.
As Snape and Malfoy came closer to the end of the hallway, Snape became
rougher, impatient and edgy about what they had to talk about. Pestering them
down the hall, Snape finally chose the last classroom and shoved Malfoy inside.
Not the greatest start, he'd admit, but the only one his nerves would allow.
Despite Dumbledore's instructions, Snape doubted his confidence in carrying
them out with Malfoy.
As soon as he had closed the door behind, he pushed a staring Malfoy away from
the door and began in urgent whispers, "Draco, you promised me this wouldn't
happen again. This is me calling you up on that." At Draco's incredulous look,
he added, "Katie Bell. The cursed necklace. Don't even try to deny it."
"What? Don't be an idiot. I was at Hogwarts the whole time --"
"Were you, now?" said Snape.
"Yes, I was!" Malfoy insisted. "Merlin, just because someone else did
something, made some stupid mistake, you think I --"
"It has your fingerprints all over it, Draco. Do you think I can't see what
you're up to? I know you're trying to poison Dumbledore. Even if you are only a
child, there's too much at stake for you. We cannot afford to make mistakes,
Draco..."
As Snape's warning turned into an argument, Draco began inching towards Snape.
Soon, they were just wand distance apart.
Snape paused at the distance. Was this weakness? He hated to be at a
disadvantage, and Draco's proximity took his mind away for a moment, holding in
his gut.
"Listen to me," said Snape. He dropped his voice to lowest he had spoken yet,
pressed into Draco's shoulder, going nose to nose. He revealed his secret to
Draco, hoping it would be enough. He told him about the Unbreakable Vow.
He didn't even seem to care, raising his voice just enough to repel Snape away
from him. Snape wasn't an idiot; he knew perfectly well that Draco understood
what an Unbreakable Vow was. It wasn't the first time that year that Snape
wished he hadn't made it. Even if it had the higher purpose of keeping in the
other Death Eaters' good books, his duty as a double agent, it still felt like
a whim. And Snape hated taking whims, especially for those who didn't
appreciate it, as though he was just an object.
Snape had the abject suspicion that Draco had always viewed him as an object.
Why else would he have considered his past behaviour towards Snape to be mildly
okay?
Snape pushed him against the wall, irritated now. "What is your plan?"
"It's none of your business!"
Snape pushed closer, trying the tactic of indulging Malfoy what he had always
wanted from him. Malfoy pushed back, he continued to defy Snape. He even lied
about having sufficient help on his side, despite whatever desperation he must
be feeling. Snape tried to play on that desperation by giving Malfoy plenty of
opportunities to say yes to him.
There was old tension growing between Snape and Draco. Draco remembered when he
was just a lovesick puppy following Snape around. But that pathetic crush was
based on no lack of sexual tension Malfoy had already felt, but now that they
were older, it was like there was an invisible space drawing them together like
magic. However, Malfoy had other things to worry about, never mind how he was
feeling right now, how much he wanted to close that distance. Malfoy wasn't
going to let Snape seduce him into revealing anything of his Death Eater plans;
this was his mission and his glory alone. Snape had his chance once.
It was ironic the way their relationship had flipped around. But he didn't have
the time or patience for love anymore. He ignored the tingle as Snape slammed
him against the wall, leaning in real close with that dangerous tone, telling
him about some Unbreakable Vow with his mother.
It was too late for any of that.
When Malfoy stormed out, refusing to confide in him, Snape stared after him,
wondering if he should follow. But this time, it would only be in vain.
 
When Hermione saw Harry leave, she followed him out. She was tired of dodging
McLaggen anyway. Whatever Harry was up to, she wanted to know what it was; she
couldn't fight the feeling that she needed to be there.
She followed at a careful distance. From the moment he put on his Invisibility
Cloak, she braced herself on extra alert, keeping an ear on his direction.
But Harry had spent six years sneaking around under that cloak. Her only clue
was the direction he had been facing when he threw the cloak on. She headed to
the left, keeping a slow and quiet distance behind him. If she was very lucky,
maybe she might catch a glimpse of the cloak slipping over his growing form...
She lost his trail at the end of a hallway filled with classrooms. She stopped
at the second last classroom, stopping for several moments by the door,
scanning the area with her eyes and ears, looking for any sign...
Then there was an explosion of sound, as Malfoy stormed out of the last
classroom and she heard footsteps following somewhat urgently to the door. She
tried to beat a hasty retreat.
Snape spotted her, and she froze. "Miss Granger," he drawled, making her jump.
Collapsing against the jam of the door down from him, she turned, standing
upright to face him. She swallowed.
"And what are you doing here, Miss Granger? Spying...?"
"No -- I --"
"Yes?"
"I was looking for someone else. They came up this way and..."
"Someone else?" he repeated, his words both smooth and disturbed. "Who?"
"A friend --"
"Harry Potter?"
She strained her face, not wanting to admit the truth.
"Did either of you hear... anything...?"
"I didn't," she said. "And I didn't see Harry up here, either, so I don't think
--" But she knew he had the Invisibility Cloak on... 
"Well, well, well, it's interesting to hear that even his friends don't trust
him anymore."
"You make him sound like some sort of criminal."
He simply glared back at her for a moment. "Come inside, Miss Granger, there's
something I wish to discuss with you."
"If you're going to try to convince me --"
"No, nothing like that. Come on in..."
Hesitantly, she walked forwards past Snape and into the classroom. Snape
followed in behind her. She picked a seat out and sat down at it. He stood over
her.
"I have a favour to ask you," he told her immediately.
"A favour? Of me?" she asked.
"Yes," he said. "You and... Draco... have gotten along relatively well in the
past, haven't you? Privately, behind doors. He surrounds himself with friends
and allies, but none who share as much as the two of you, outside his own
House, no less. It can barely have escaped your notice that he has been
shutting everyone out lately. Even you; even me. Dumbledore has set a task to
Potter, and now you get one from me. I need you to get on the inside of what is
happening with Draco... before anyone else gets hurt."
Hermione just stared back at Snape for a moment. She understood everything he
was saying, but she found it all so hard to believe. Before someone got hurt?
What was that supposed to mean? "What makes you think he'd listen to me, if he
won't even listen to you?" asked Hermione.
"We've both been in the inner sanctum of his life. If anyone can use that
against him, it's us --"
"What if I don't want to use it against him? Maybe that is what you're doing
wrong! We shouldn't be against him, we should actually be trying to unite with
him in order to reach him."
"Do it your way, then, do whatever you can to get through to him. We'll see
whose technique is better in the end."
And with that, she agreed. She left to head back to Gryffindor Tower after
that, ducking into the closest fireplace and flooing into the Common Room.
 
As the holiday came around, she avoided Ron out of jealousy and disgust over
his new girlfriend, though she did make up with Harry. He, however, went back
to Won-Won's place for the holidays while she stayed at Hogwarts, which she
blamed him for, even though it was smarter for him to leave Hogwarts for the
holiday so she could try to talk to Malfoy.
It was the first holiday Malfoy had spent at Hogwarts since he'd ever come
there, as far as Hermione could tell. She wondered about that -- but, after
all, the only person he had at the moment was his mother, and she got the
distinct impression that he didn't exactly get along with her, even if he
defended her against Harry.
She must have spent half an hour staring at him, wondering what she should do.
How should she approach him? What could she possibly say? As she saw him leave,
she made a panicked snap decision and ran after him. "Draco, I want to talk to
you!" she said, as he turned towards her.
"Then you should've earlier. I'm leaving now, Granger."
Did he know she'd been staring at him? She shook it off, determined to keep
talking. "It's about your mother --" She was caught off-guard when Malfoy
snapped a glare at her. "Is there something going on between you? I mean, I
know with your father in... jail, it must be tough on you --"
"You don't even understand my family. Don't try to understand me," Draco
snapped. He planted his feet on the ground facing her, fiercely adamant that
she should leave. Hermione wondered if she'd crossed a line, or if she should
keep trying.
"I'm sorry..." she said. "I didn't mean to. It's just that... I'm worried about
you."
"Since when did you worry about me, Granger? Everything you've ever done has
been against me. Now you want me to -- what, confide in you?"
He was right. Damn. This wasn't working out. "Talk to you later, Malfoy..."
"Wait a minute," he barked, as she started walking away. "You can't just start
something and then just walk away! Come back here!"
She turned. "You ready to talk, Draco?"
He glared. "Don't get clever. What makes you think I'll tell you anything?"
"Because you're still here," smirked Hermione. "Guilty conscience, Draco?"
"Don't smirk, Hermione. It looks bad on you."
Hermione grinned. "How do you think it looks on you," she asked, "Draco?"
He grit his teeth and folding his eyebrows even deeper. "Get away from me,
Granger! I don't have time for this!"
And she watched him storm out, grinning, because she knew she was one step
closer.
 
His wolf responded to the pack. Rough as it was out here, and loath as his
human form had come to accept this life as fiercely as the others distrusted
him, when he ran with the other wolves, he was truly one of them. He felt a
part of something, even if it in was the wrong crowd. Perhaps that feeling was
the only reason here was still here after all these months.
His wolf had them convinced. It was as malicious and ruthless as anyone one of
them. No matter who his wolf was though, he had struggled against it his whole
life. Struggled, because he knew what was really right in this world -- until
it took control, took over his human mind and became this evil thing that could
kill without remorse.
He remembered nights where the wolf tore apart humans simply because they were
humans. He remembered his darkest days as a city rogue, the looks he got in the
daytime, the way he was pushed around from place to place, as if even as a
human, he was a monster. It was no wonder his wolf sought blood. But he had
always situated himself as far as he could from humans when the full moon
approached.
Running with the werewolves wasn't like that. It was all too easy to settle
into old habits. Lupin didn't want to admit how evil he was, but the truth was
that most wolves were like that. That's why it was so easy for all this pack to
get mixed up with Voldemort. He was awake now, lying naked on the ground,
surrounded by so many other werewolves. He was so weak from the transformation
that he could barely move. That was another thing that reminded him of his old
life as a lone wanderer.
The only difference was that now, rather than waking alone, he was surrounded
by the sweating bodies of his comrades -- in a way, they really were that to
him. Even post-transformation, he still had the memories of the wolf... he
still remembered how close, how bonded they were to each other. When he was
past the ability to hold on to his human memories for strength, that was what
got him through.
He wished, though he doubted it, that they could remain that close after the
war. But he knew it was impossible.
He curled into a ball. "Severus..." he said. He couldn't help picturing him
now, third year when he'd retrieved Lupin's nude form to bring him home. His
hero in black, one with no lack of malevolence, but far less than Sirius had
back in school.
Sirius, in life, had as much of a dark spirit as Severus ever had, and despite
his finer points, he did get himself far too carried away sometimes.
 
"Hey, Draco," chimed Hermione, as she stole food from off the Slytherin table
in the half-filled Great Hall.
"Get lost, Granger! Nobody cares about you!" cried Daphne Greengrass. She was
here with Draco, her sister Astoria, and Theodore Nott. Daphne seemed very
protective of her food.
"Relax, Greengrass. I'm not after your food. I want to talk to Draco."
Nott was giving her a curious expression. Astoria looked as angry as her
sister. "What makes you think you have the privilege to call Draco by his first
name?"
"The privilege?" spat Hermione, and she laughed cruelly. "You're not very
subtle, are you, Greengrass? If you fancy the prat, go ahead! I'd watch out for
Parkinson, though."
As Hermione left the table with a piece of toast, she brushed Draco's shoulder,
sure that Greengrass got the message.
 
Draco copped plenty from the Slytherins after that. He barely seemed to mind,
but for her blood status.
"What the hell was that, Granger?"
"Oh, so now it's Granger, is it? I'm hurt," she mocked.
"If you think I'm telling you --"
"We have history, you and me. Not like that Astoria chick."
"Don't think you can make a fool of me, Granger! I know what you're really up
to!"
"And what's that?"
"You're just trying to get close to me to figure out what I'm up to --"
"What you're up to? But Draco," she mock purred.
"But you know what? You don't deserve to know! You only want to know to help
yourself --"
"How very Slytherin of me," said Hermione.
"Don't try to throw this back on me --"
"Why not?" she retorted. "You're getting sick of them anyway, aren't you? You
don't want to be a Slytherin anymore at all, do you?"
"It's because I'm a Slytherin that I'm even able to survive! You don't..."
Hermione face fell flat. "Survive?" she said, all mocking tones gone. "And what
is it you feel you have to survive? Honestly Draco, I... I want to help."
"Well, you can't! You wouldn't like me if you knew, anyway!"
"Is that what you think?"
"Are you an idiot? It's what I know! Don't you use that pitying face on me,
like I'm the one who can't connect the dots. You know me well enough, don't
you? You should be able to see what's right in front of your face!"
That gave Hermione pause, looking for the clue... A brief memory came to her.
Keep that bushy hair down, Granger. The proof that he cared about her. But
right now... had she let him blind her to his true nature?
No... Not that...
He was already storming away. She was helpless to do anything but watch him.
 
Lupin was thankful for this much needed time away from the werewolves. It was
running him ragged. This was a much-deserved rest, he thought, after working so
well for Dumbledore.
It was relaxing watching the fire burn. It was almost hypnotic the way the
flames licked each other, a crackle clicking here and there. But it was also a
good time to reflect. A good time to himself; it was just him sitting there,
him and his own head. Certainly no more Molly around to voice her disapproval
of him. He'd had enough of her today, especially with everything he'd been
going through already...
He thought of Severus. How much he longed for and missed him. How easy it would
be, just to leave. The floo casket was right there.
But no, he wouldn't want to be that rude to the Weasleys, even if his heart
ached. He needed the rest in order to face Severus, anyway.
In the background was the pop music of Celestina Warbeck. Lupin never cared for
this music, but it didn't bother him right now; he was miles away. He thought
of Tonks, a person he undoubtedly would never have thought of in this most
private time alone with himself if all this trouble hadn't arisen. It was
worrying.
He didn't love her. It sounded harsh, stated simply like that, but it was true.
It was the truth that he couldn't seem to admit to anyone but himself. That was
where the problem lay. He couldn't just keep avoiding her all the time. How
could he fix this so that they were both happy? The answer was that they
couldn't. So, what now?
And then there was Severus. The thought only occurred to him particularly when
a distant lyric from the song struck him and sunk into his consciousness. How
he missed that man. He wished it could be another way, but as long as Severus
stubbornly refused to go near him, there was nothing Lupin could do.
Voices close to him soon drifted into Lupin's ear. It was Harry telling Arthur
about a conversation between Draco and Severus that had made Harry suspicious.
He inclined his head a little towards them while Harry, who seemed to notice
this, spoke. Still, there was a curious thing about the story...
"Has it occurred to you, Harry," said Arthur over the music in the background,
"that Snape was simply pretending --"
Harry beat Arthur to the punch, unconvinced. Even through Lupin's exhausted
body, this was still something he couldn't leave alone. Harry was only a
teenager, but Lupin found it absolutely wrong how much he distrusted Dumbledore
regarding Severus, and he told him as much.
"But," said Harry, "just say -- just say Dumbledore's wrong about Snape --"
"People have said it, many times. It comes down to whether or not you trust
Dumbledore's judgment. I do; therefore, I trust Severus." There was some truth
to this reasoning, too. He cared deeply for the man, so it wasn't too much of a
stretch for him between trusting Dumbledore and trusting Severus.
"But Dumbledore can make mistakes," persisted Harry. "He says it himself. And
you --"
He caught something in Lupin's eye. Lupin was making himself too obvious. Lupin
inwardly squirmed at Harry’s gaze, unable to hide his feelings.
"-- do you actually like Snape?"
"I neither like nor dislike Severus," Lupin lied. He had to, certainly against
Harry, who surely didn't understand. His skeptical look seemed to prove this.
"No, Harry, I am speaking the truth," he replied. "We shall never be bosom
friends, perhaps; after all that happened between James and Sirius and Severus,
there is too much bitterness there," he went on. "But I do not forget that
during the year I taught at Hogwarts, Severus made the Wolfsbane Potion for me
every month, made it perfectly, so that I did not have to suffer as I usually
do at the full moon."
"But he 'accidentally' let it slip that you're a werewolf, so you had to
leave!" Back into the argument. Lupin shrugged that comment off, though, as if
it did not concern him.
"The news would have leaked out anyway," he explained. "We both know he wanted
my job, but he could've wreaked much worse damage on me by tampering with the
Potion. He kept me healthy. I must be grateful."
"Maybe he didn't dare mess with the Potion with Dumbledore watching him!"
argued Harry.
Lupin smiled at this desperate argument. "You are determined to hate him,
Harry," he said with a faint smile at his little joke; this was just like
James. “And I understand; with James as your father and Sirius as your
godfather, you have inherited an old prejudice," he said. "By all means tell
Dumbledore what you have told Arthur and me, but do not expect him to share
your view of the matter. Do not even expect him to be surprised by what you
tell him. It might have been on Dumbledore's orders that Severus questioned
Draco."
And with that, the conversation ended. Each of them just sat there watching
each other as the song in the background ended too. Applause broke out over the
wireless, which Molly happily joined in with.
As Arthur covered up Fleur’s boisterous comments on the subject thereafter, he
ran off to get eggnog, and Lupin felt pity for him, having to be in the
crossfire of their bickering. But, he supposed, he had problems, too...
"What have you been up to lately?" asked Harry. And so, a seemingly new
conversation came up, and they began talking about the werewolves and Fenrir
Greyback, until finally, Harry said:
"But you are normal!" he said fiercely. "You've just got a -- a problem --"
And Lupin burst out laughing. He recalled to Harry the story behind this. James
had always said this, too.
Looking slightly more cheerful he accepted a glass of eggnog from Arthur with a
word of thanks. The next thing Harry said, though, took him by surprise.
"Have you ever heard of someone called the Half-Blood Prince?" he said.
"The Half-Blood what?" asked Lupin, curiously.
"Prince." said Harry.
"There are no wizarding princes, Harry," said Lupin. "Is this a title you're
thinking of adopting? I should have thought being the 'Chosen One' would be
enough."
"It's got nothing to do with me!" replied Harry indignantly, and he explained
all about the Potions book he had been using lately. He seemed to think it
might be James or another of the Marauders. Lupin explained in the negative and
suggested looking at the date of the book. Soon afterwards Harry and the other
children went to bed, and Lupin turned back to the fire.
 
Company was tense after Harry and the Minister went outside. Fred and George
were particularly hostile towards Percy, all pretence gone now that they were
free to speak. Lupin left the room as food started getting tossed around,
started by Ginny throwing something at Percy...
He needed to be alone. It was hard enough keeping himself in check when there
was no drama around. He leaned against Bill's door, partly afraid that Bill
himself might walk in if he didn't. He cradled his elbows and cried.
After a few minutes, there was a knock at the door. "Sorry, you can't come in,
Bill, I'm... changing," he called.
There was silence for a moment, but he didn't even hear fading footsteps. "This
isn't Bill, and why are you changing? You looked fine before..." said Ginny.
"Oh, Ginny," said Lupin.
"Are you crying?" she asked from the other side.
"Is it so obvious?"
"I can hear you."
He gave a choked smile. "Sorry, I'll be out in a minute." He sat in silence for
several minutes as Ginny's footsteps retreated slowly. Then he heard another
voice, much closer and entirely in the room. "Remus?" Lupin's eyes went
immediately to the mirror standing up on his dresser. Hermione's eye was
visible in it, around a thin white shard line in the middle of the mirror,
making the image appear distorted from the absence of the natural shape of her
face. "Hermione?" asked Lupin. "How are you there? We haven't given you a
mirror." 
"Oh. Harry left it behind when he left Hogwarts for the Burrow this holiday.
It's just a shard..." It was strange hearing her voice without seeing her
mouth. "He told us what it was... and I've just been searching on it. Are you
okay, Remus? You look like you've been crying."
"Oh, Hermione," said Lupin emphatically. "It seems like only yesterday I was
drying your tears."
"Yeah, well. This is me returning the favour. I would've come there this year
for the holiday, but... Ron..."
"Is something going on between you?"
"You haven't heard about Lavender Brown?" she said, with barely disguised
disgust, "his new girlfriend?"
"I see," said Lupin. "Are you still friends with Harry, at least?"
"Oh, yes. We made up before he left. But I still couldn't... even if."
"I know," said Lupin. "I never meant for this to be your life. Secrets and
lies... they're my life. They shouldn't be yours. It's such a paranoid, unhappy
life."
Hermione frowned sympathetically at him. "What's wrong, Remus? Did something
happen?"
"It's kind of the little things. It's... a few big things, actually. It all
adds up. It's the stress... from my mission... with the werewolves."

"Start from the beginning," she said.
He stared into the mirror, holding not his reflection, but hers. "Last year...
when Sirius died... I... I was... I kept it together, Hermione, I really did,
but... it broke me up inside. No matter what he made me feel, no matter how
reckless a person he was... I cared for him, Hermione, like a brother..."
"Like a brother," Hermione repeated. "So, you never --"
"No."
"I just wondered. Because of Snape."
"I see... Well, like I said, the werewolves. It's a constant struggle just to
convince any of them, let alone having to deal with Greyback. He doesn't
consider me a real werewolf. Hermione, I'm afraid..." his tears fell on the
mirror as he spoke, losing his control, "I'm afraid if I stay for another six
months, they might make me... one of them. I might... turn bad. I don't want
to... lose myself to them, to Voldemort --"
"Then come home," she said.
"I can't," said Remus. "This is my mission, for the Order."
"You know yourself the best, Remus, don't you think...? Even with
Voldemort's last war, you remained strong. You know yourself, I know you do.
You aren't like them, never."
Another tear dropped. "I do... But it's another thing when faced with such
circumstances... and then there's Severus, and..." He paused. "Tonks..."
"What about her?" asked Hermione.
"Well," said Remus, "she... she's been depressed lately..."
"I've noticed," said Hermione.
"The reason for that is... because of me."
Hermione was taken aback. "What? Why?"
"You must promise not to tell anyone."
"I promise," she said automatically. He looked for a moment at the strong
conviction in her eyes before he was satisfied. "She's in love with me."
"What?" she said. "Do... do you love her back?"
"I... I don't know... I..." He shook his head. "I mean..."
"I get it. Sometimes..."
"Yeah."
There was silence between them for a moment. Remus wiped at his eyes. "Are you
alright now, Remus? Since I'm keeping your secret about Tonks, do you mind
keeping one for me?"
"Sure, Hermione, what's on your mind?" Even miserable, still willing to help.
"Well... Snape ordered me to... help him find out what Malfoy's up to. I
considered whether he really has the authority to do that, but... we're all in
on each others secrets anyway. I feel like I don't really have a choice, like
we're all in this together."
"He shouldn't be doing that. But since we're on the subject, have you managed
to get anything?"
"No... he's just as unresponsive to me as he was to Snape. Don't know why I
thought it'd be any different."
"It's okay, Hermione... I'll see Severus as soon as I leave tomorrow."
Hermione got the impression he was consoling himself more than her, but she let
him have it. Any excuse.
 
Hermione looked haughtily at Malfoy, indignantly reminded of her conversation
with Lupin and of the secrets and the drama between her and Draco. He stared
back with a malevolent, scheming look on his face, as if to turn around what
she did in front of his friends. But there were no friends around her to be
embarrassed. There was Neville. But that was it.
She looked back at Draco as he closed the distance. Automatically, she swung
herself fully around to face him. "What are you doing here, Malfoy?" said
Neville automatically. "Get out of here!"
Hermione was impressed. Draco merely smirked at Neville, looking even more
smugly down on her. "I would've thought you'd welcome my presence, seeing as
how you've been stalking me lately."
Hermione looked around, a blush rising up in her cheeks. "That's not true!" she
hissed.
"What, now you're suddenly embarrassed, Granger? Where was that modesty when
you tried to mark your territory with me?" he retorted.
"I -- I didn't!"
"Then why aren't you talking to that Weasley kid anymore? Did you finally wake
up and see who the real man is here?"
"Shut up, Malfoy," Neville defended her.
She stared at her knees. Remembering that he was there just really made things
worse. "No," she said, scooping her face to the right, "I stopped because of
Lavender Brown --"
"You could've taken anyone to Slug Club besides McLaggen if you wanted to make
Weasley jealous. Hell, even Longbottom would've made him mad. Small people, you
know."
"The only small person here is you," said Neville.
"Thanks, Neville," muttered Hermione.
"--Hell, you could've even taken me. I could've made your while, and you
wouldn't have had to run out of there like a maniac --"
"You're the maniac --" shot Hermione. "Are you actually jealous of McLaggen,
Malfoy? You were there, Neville, weren't you, serving the drinks? You saw
Malfoy break in. You couldn't actually --"
"Serving the drinks," scoffed Malfoy. "I must've missed that. You would be."
"Screw you, Malfoy!"
"Well, Snape did drag you out pretty quickly. You didn't really get the chance
to enjoy it, did you? I suppose you would've had it easier if you came with me.
But you see, even dating you wouldn't fool Lavender Brown. Not even she's that
thick."
"Well, I guess we'll never know, will we, Granger?" he said. Soon he turned
away to leave. Even now, she couldn't be sure if he'd really achieved his goal.
She swung herself back around on her seat, looking at Neville. She wanted to
pretend he hadn't heard a thing, but she just hated ignorance too much to allow
herself to do that. "You don't actually believe him about me, do you, Neville?"
"Please," he said, "he's always pulling stunts like that. You can't trust a
word he says. Besides, it sounds like he's jealous of you."
She smiled. "Thanks, Neville."
"No worries. You were always there for me."
"Don't tell anyone about this, okay?" she pleaded.
"Promise."
 
Remus told the Weasleys that he was leaving that night. Arthur simply smiled
and accepted him, but Molly brought a fight. This was the climax of an awkward
couple of days about Tonks. Molly was pushing him hard towards a relationship
with her, but he thought that his actual feelings should count for
something. Not that he told her this; if he was forced to explain, he'd only
make things more awkward for himself. For all the boldness towards Severus he
had shown in the past, he was still an intensely private man.
Arthur apologised for his wife, who nagged at Remus so long that he was forced
to stay the night. Remus suspected it was her plan to force him to stay as long
as possible in a desperate attempt to turn him around on the issue, but he had
rather more important things to attend to in the morning, and this was
something Arthur understood too. He tried to back Remus up to his wife, but
that argument didn't last particularly long.
When the house was asleep, Remus roused himself from the couch, moving slowly
towards the fireplace. Taking a handful of floo powder, he stepped into the
fireplace and flooed to the one place he had spent so long thinking about...
Six months of pent up tension and longing, not just for the warmth and safety
of his beloved fire, but also the most important thing he had come to realise
he could possess.
He stepped into the office of Severus Snape, at Remus' old office at Hogwarts.
Much had changed in this secluded space. He remembered many of his possessions
and where he had kept them in here. The Grindylow tank, the phonograph...
Severus created a much darker space. Gazing into one of the disturbing
photographs, Remus felt like he was looking into a window of his soul; how many
times had these things happened to him, or people he cared about, under the
thumb of Voldemort? He had a very dark soul indeed... how much pain he must
regularly have been through in his life? The idea broke Remus' heart, even more
than the vast distance wrought between them by the events of their lives.
"Severus..."
Severus glared up at him from the desk. "What are you doing here, Lupin? Don't
you have something... more important to do?"
Remus looked back at him with sad, weary eyes. "I'm heading back out to live
with the werewolves tonight," he said. "Don't worry; I won't be in your hair
for very long. But... I came to something off my chest, before I go. I need to
confess something to you..."
"Oh, please don't tell me..."
"No, nothing like that. Even though Sirius is dead... I find my every available
moment thinking about you, Severus..." he breathed. "My best friend is dead,
and you are the person who is consuming me. I just wanted you to know... I
really admire you. I never imagined... how hard it was. Doing what you do, what
you've always done for us. You're the reason I made it through the last six
months, and you will continue to be for the final six months ahead... You're my
inspiration, you go through such unimaginable things, as you have done for so
long. What you do for the Order... I don't ask, nor do I care to know as long
as you would not want to tell me, what it was that turned you away from the
Death Eaters. I just can't help but think... I can't help but ask... did it
have anything to do with me?"
"Your ego never fails to astonish me."
"Why, Severus? Who else have you had in your life --"
"Do not act as though some one night stand twenty years ago was the only
worthwhile interaction I've had with anyone in my life! An event which, might I
remind you, ended in rejection at your own hands, humiliation at mine, and a
lifetime spent against each other!"
"That was your decision, Severus --"
"No, it was yours! So now you come around, telling me that I'm... Well I, for
one, am not so weak as to need to cling to such things."
"But it's not weakness, Severus. It's strength. That's what you give me --"
"You are the one that made us enemies, Lupin. You're the one who chose that."
Remus frowned. He couldn't stop the words out of his mouth: "Don't you ever
just -- want to lose control... Severus?"
There were those all-consuming black eyes, filling his entire being. "I already
did, remember?"
"Severus."
"No," Snape lied. On the inside, at least, he could not deny there were times
he had fantasised about it. But that's all it could ever be, because he knew
how it would end. Just the same as last time. Even now, he didn't fully believe
in Remus' love for him. On the outside, Remus knew Snape was lying too; Severus
himself had proven it to him once, long ago...
"I want you."
"I don't," Severus lied. He stared back at Lupin seriously. "I still don't
trust you, and I still don't know if I can ever be..."
"Together?"
Snape cringed his shoulders forward convulsively. Lupin's eyes scanned down his
chest, aware of how uncomfortable Snape still was of him. "I'm gonna prove you
wrong."
"Then perhaps you should keep your eyes directed forwards," he demanded.
Lupin's eyes shot up to Snape's, and those black pupils filled his vision.
"Sorry," he mumbled, barely thinking.
Snape stepped towards Lupin, stalking quickly forwards and grabbing him by the
shoulders. Lupin refocused and looked at Snape. He smiled at Snape's firm
expression, and closed the distance between them, melting into his lips.
Snape didn't push him off this time, only broke away after a moment. "You're
right," he said. "You're not perfect."
Lupin grinned. "But you love it."
"Don't get excited. Go back to your werewolves."
"When are you going to stop, Severus? Despite everything you feel I've done to
you, you don't want me too?"
His face tensed in response. "No," he snapped. "I don't!" he cried defiantly.
It was strange... the way he was so in control and so under his control at the
same time. "Liar," he said. He came forward. He leaned in. "Severus..." he
breathed. "It's all up to you now..."
Severus trembled for a moment, then shoved Remus away. Remus stood for a
moment, staring at Severus. "You want me," he said.
"No, I don't."
Remus took a step in closer, only a step. Severus glanced waveringly over
Remus, and when the other man leaned in again, he lost himself in Remus. Remus
touched a hand to Severus' hair, to his cheek, and this time Severus didn't
fight it when Remus kissed him. He kissed back. Soon they were in each other's
arms, embracing each other, dragging each other in.
It had been years since Lupin had kissed Snape and he had actually kissed back.
Too long. Decades.
Even now, Severus fought against it, but he didn't have the self-control to
push Remus away anymore, he was too wrapped up in his arms. He pressed Remus
into the man's old desk, giving himself back the control and finally surfacing
from his lips. Now Remus was shivering, breathing deeply from Severus, ready
for him, ready for more.
Severus was torn between pushing him away and giving him what he wanted.
"Severus... please... I need you..."
He pushed away, turning his back on Remus. "No. Go," he said.
Remus wrapped his arms around Severus from behind. "Please."
"Get out of here before I change my mind."
"I want you to change your mind, remember?"
Remus felt Severus clench his ass. "No, I can't. I don't believe you... care
for me."
"Of course I do."
"I don't care. Go." His voice cracked, "Please."
"Severus," said Lupin. "I'm not gonna be the first to claim to be perfect. And
if I get through my time with the werewolves, I'm gonna try to be more true to
myself. So be honest with me."
There was nothing he could say. He remained with his back to Remus, shoulder
blades hunched in defeat.
"I'm sorry, Severus," said Lupin, with a rather pained expression. "I have my
responsibilities, and I have been neglecting them for far too long. You were
right. You were right all along. I should just leave you be; I've been greedy,
and I'm sorry." There was something bittersweet about this moment. "I just..."
continued Lupin. "I just... hope I can tell you... one thing before I leave.
That is, I want to clear something up. Back in our school days, when I...
rejected you," he hated to admit that fact. But it was time. "It wasn't because
I didn't like you. I thought I loved you. I even thought I loved Sirius. I
wasn't free to act on my own feelings back then. How I felt for Sirius was
wishful thinking, I was  created my own trap there. I think I was even deciding
who I wanted to be. I should have just been myself. I know it doesn't mean much
now, but... just know that I do deeply care for you, Severus. I deeply regret
who I was then, and who I have been all these years since."
Remus pulled away and left through the fireplace, before Snape could turn and
respond. For a moment he stared at the fireplace. Then he began to pack his
office up for the night.
 
As the dark ground around him was lit up by firelight, Lupin stepped forward
guiltily into the campground.
He hoped it wasn't been enough to wake the werewolves that still slept all
around him. The green reflection from the floo journey shined briefly upon them
before it dulled down to orange again, and he glanced around to watch the fire
return to normal.
Staring off into the trees, he decided that next time, it would definitely be a
better idea to start a fire away from the group out there to call or visit
Severus...
...assuming, that was, that he was going back.
He stepped carefully around all the sleepers and huddled back in his spot
again, relief filling him at last. After his nights of sneaking around, it was
felt good to sleep. He crawled tight into himself. Just the thought, the memory
of what Severus and he had done just minutes before was fresh in his memory.
His lips ached less, his blood was still pounding... He felt strong.
 
Things had changed dramatically between Snape and Draco since the end of last
year. Snape knew that he had to win Malfoy's favour, and he hate what he was
doing to appeal to Malfoy. It was pitiful to say the least. Malfoy wasn't
relenting, and it reminded Snape of Lupin with the way he had behaved towards
him for the past three years. Reminiscing with this ugly new perspective made
him wonder what he would change; yet he could think of nothing. Worse, he felt
disgusted with himself and, for the first time in years, sympathetic to Lupin.
Yet he knew no matter what logic he used on Malfoy, the boy's stubborn mind
would ignore it. Lupin had been right about him on that note.
Snape watched Malfoy resentfully as Hogwarts returned for another semester. He
had sought Granger out to ask for her progress with the teen. She had turned up
nothing, either. It was her poor interrogation tactics; do the Aurors get
information from the community by creating interpersonal relationships with
them? He was really coming to think that she wasn't taking her task seriously.
And then she dropped the bombshell; she had reported to Lupin what Snape had
asked her to do. He recalled the emotion in his expression, and the seriousness
in his voice when he had talked about the two of them. It had probably just
slipped the flighty werewolf's mind.
When he had confronted Snape last year about Harry Potter, that was another
thing. At least when Sirius Black had confronted him in the past, he could be
certain there were know ulterior motives other than wanting to hex him. But
Lupin made him nervous.
Perhaps that was the point. But Lupin had controlled Snape for the last time.
When Lupin next summoned his mirror (apparently through a pool of water in the
forest), he made an extra effort to remain in control of the situation.
"Can you really afford to talk to me so frequently with your mission among the
werewolves?" drawled Snape.
"I'm alone," Lupin confirmed.
"You know this is reckless... don't you, Remus?"
"I don't care," said Lupin. "I had to talk to you."
"For purely innocent reasons, I'm sure," Snape said sardonically.
"Severus, you know entirely well the reason, I'm sure."
"To talk about Hermione Granger?"
"Severus --"
There was a silence between them, filled with a pregnant pause. Already
he had Lupin on the hook.
"Granger is none of your business. Just tell me. Has Hermione been useful to
the Order?" challenged Lupin.
"Not as of yet --"
"You're exploiting her. This war should have nothing to do with children --"
"Yet it has! Potter and Malfoy have both been placed at the heart of this war,
are expected to fight its battles. If Granger has some role to play in that --"
"You have no right ordering Hermione to do anything Dumbledore didn't tell --
" Lupin said.
"Did Dumbledore give you permission to teach Harry how to cast a Patronus?"
"How -- how did you --?
"I saw that stag patronus galloping around the grounds the night you forgot
your potion. How else would he have cast such a thing than through remedial
lessons? It has you written all over it, you and your infernal friends."
Lupin smiled to himself. "I know... I'm not going to apologise for my friends.
I still care for them, even now. I don't suppose you could understand that."
Snape's expression changed, to one so serious that Lupin began to shiver, his
skin crawling with fear. Those endless black eyes fixed on him loathingly, but
resentfully. It was clear there was something deeper to it.
"Severus... do you --?"
"I don't," he insisted, but his gaze was more unsure.
Snape began to respond. "I understand more than you can know. Lupin, you and
I... I understand more than you can ever know. You... for you, it's worse; its
personal. That's what's really hate about you. You made a fool out of me,
Lupin. And that's the one thing I can never forgive."
Lupin looked back helplessly. "Severus, I..."
Snape didn't care about Lupin's regret. He was still too mad to care. He was
still too embarrassed, he still hated himself too much --
"I'm not like you, Severus."
"Then why do you like me so much?"
"I like you for who you always were to me! You're still that man who I always
knew. You're the beautiful man that never appreciated who he was because
everybody else hated you too much! And maybe I don't deserve you, maybe I went
too far to ever have that hope, but I know it's just pain that's holding you
back. Bitter, sarcastic, tormented you. Well, guess what, Severus. So am I! I
am afraid, and I am tormented, and I feel like you've never appreciated that. I
feel like you've never appreciated anyone but yourself! After what I did to
you, I could understand that. But now, Severus? After all this time? What I
did, I never meant to do. I was already fantasising about our future together
when the Marauders brought it all down. I... I wanted to, Severus..."
"We were just kids," said Snape, "right?"
Lupin knew full well Snape was mocking him, throwing his words back at him, but
still he couldn't help his response. "Well, yes," said Lupin.
Snape didn't speak, glaring with unfocused eyes. He had to continue to fight.
He couldn't let himself...
"Childhood was a long time ago, Lupin," he said. "Surely you must understand --
"
"I've been trying to tell you that for three years. You finally understand --"
"Do you think I'm a fool? Do you think I'll repeat the mistakes of the past --"
"I understand --"
"You don't! You don't know what it's like to have to stay away from you, to
never trust, everyday of your life --"
"What do you think Sirius did to me? Why do you think I didn't want to be with
him when I had the chance? I know I made it look like everything was fine, but
it wasn't, it never was again, not after what he did back in school. Not even
after finding out he didn't get James and Lily killed, I still know..."
Snape didn't have an answer to that.
[End Chapter]
***** Truth and Denial *****
Chapter Summary
     Lupin is finally forced to face Tonks; and tensions between Draco and
     Hermione divides them again.
Lupin was moving towards him slowly. He closed that final distance with a quiet
confidence, locking lips in a calm, tender way that he had never felt before.
With Lupin, it had always been so desperate and passionate. This was loving and
tender and understanding, and Snape kissed him back, as though the way he felt
for all these years was something akin to the love he felt for Lily.
Lily was the one woman he had ever loved. Lupin was the one man.
Snape felt at home in his arms, despite everything he'd ever fought against. It
was stronger than all the pride he'd ever felt. Snape really was a diehard
fool.  He knew they weren't kids anymore, he knew this... but all his
horrifying doubt only made him kiss Lupin harder. Lupin responded in kind, that
familiar passion flaring up again. He really was a fool... but somehow, he
didn't care. He loved Lupin.
The question was, did Lupin love him?
He pressed into Lupin through all his love and insecurity, searching for an
answer. Lupin's lips pulled against his, but Snape couldn't tell if that was
smugness or love or something else entirely. There was stimulation between
their bodies, shooting sparks, but that could just be sex. Snape was moving
hard and fast, mere desperation, and Lupin was trying to slow him down. Did he
really feel it too?
Snape tried to slow down, to control himself enough to pull away, but he
couldn't, he just kept coming back in.
He didn't have to, though, as Lupin pulled away first. "Is something wrong,
Severus?"
"You don't love me."
Lupin looked horrified, even a little pitiful. "Severus... I was in denial.
Like you, I was trying to preserve myself. I'm sorry, Severus, I didn't mean
it... Yes, I used you. I used Sirius too. But I understand now --"
Snape stopped in mid-thought, drawn out of his fantasies. Even now, he had his
doubts about Lupin, and he couldn't shake them, even in his newly awakened
fantasies about the man. They plagued him as much as these grotesque fantasies
of his, these voyeuristic nightmares which gripped his libido far too tightly.
He felt ashamed of them far more than his doubts, because he knew his doubts
were justified. But these fantasies... he was already giving in to Lupin. He
had to work harder than he ever did to resist him. He cursed Lupin for doing
this to him, both recently and over the last few years. Because this year,
Lupin had done very little to pursue him, and perhaps that had made all the
difference.
 
After Draco's attack, after Harry had told her the whole story with the Half-
Blood Prince's curse, Hermione hated the knowledge that Draco had spilled his
guts to the likes of Moaning Myrtle, a Hogwarts ghost he'd barely known even
existed before this year of school. She was embarrassed to admit she was
jealous; how much longer had she had a relationship, of sorts, with Draco in
this place?
She couldn't believe that, even after cutting Draco up, using a spell so cruel
and malicious as Sectumsempra had turned out to be, that Harry could still
defend the Half-Blood Prince. She didn't like the sheer ignorance he was
displaying; as much as she did like Draco, she was afraid that Harry might yet
turn into someone even worse than him. Someone like the Prince, whoever he or
she was.
And yet, even when arguing with Harry, the best thing against the Prince she
could argue was the false-deserved Potions reputation he had gained from the
Prince's book. It was a bitter issue for her perhaps, but one that still
mattered, though perhaps not over evil like this.
Even more than that, she couldn't believe Ginny had actually taken Harry's
side. Even with all the trivial victories and arguments, it seemed as though
Ginny had no problems sending someone to the hospital wing. Of course she was
glad that Harry was alright... but at the cost of sinking to Draco's new low?
She felt sorry for Draco, and angry at Harry. Even if it perhaps wasn't fair.
Draco was the one willing to use Crucio. She shouldn't make excuses for him,
any more than for Harry. Whatever had driven him to that desperation, it had to
stop.
The whole school was talking about how much Harry deserved his detentions...
but no one was talking about Draco. How he tried to use an Unforgivable Curse;
well, they probably didn't know.
Well, it was just time to get this straight. So she stepped into the hospital
wing, visiting him there not for the first time. Briefly, she wondered what
Madam Pomfrey must think of their relationship. Even thinking about it, She
wanted to leave, but she stood her ground, bringing forth strength into her
eyes to combat his as she approached his bed. "We have to talk," she said.
"About what, Granger?
"About Harry."
"That loser again?" snapped Malfoy. "Don't talk to me about Potter. I'm sick of
hearing about him. It seems no one gives a shit about me. Not even you,
Granger. It figures, selfish bitch --"
"Oi!" she said, slapping him. That brought back memories. She hovered over him,
feeling guilty. "Sorry," she said, hoping Pomfrey didn't see that.
"So what, you're worried about me? Don't bother, Granger, I'm not worth your
time," he said, bitterly turning his head away.
"Since when were you one to put yourself down? Where's all that arrogance?" she
frowned.
"I've grown up, Granger. Maybe it's about time you did the same."
"There's a difference between being mature and being miserable. You tried to
use an Unforgivable Curse on Harry! Are you trying to end up like your father--
?"
"Don't you say a thing about my father!"
It was funny how alike Draco could be to Harry, but she didn't laugh. Any other
situation...
"Fine," she said. "Then tell me why."
"Forget it, Granger! I don't have to tell you anything."
"When are you going to open up to someone? I'm worried about you, Draco, and I
want to know what's going on."
"I have Crabbe and Goyle --"

"Crabbe and Goyle!" scoffed Hermione. "Those two -- they're less of friends and
more of servants! And they're absolutely useless! It doesn't take a great skill
to talk them into much. Honestly, Draco, if they're the only ones you can talk
into --"
"I've got better people!"
"Yeah, right. Like who?"
"Like I'm telling you!" he snapped.
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right, Malfoy, you haven't got anyone. We don't
have to be enemies. I think we're beyond that, at least."
"Then why won't you let your friends know about us?"
"Malfoy--"
"I know what you're trying to do!" he cut her off. "You're just trying to
figure out what I'm up to!"
"No, I'm not --"
"You don't fool me --"
"You're getting more paranoid by the day, Malfoy," said Hermione.
"It's not paranoia if it's true, and you know it."
"So your mental state is dependant on the forces around you, whether you
understand them or not? That's your problem, Malfoy. No faith in your own
abilities."
"Who do you think you're talking to? I'm Draco Malfoy --"
"And right now, you're miserable, paranoid and alone, for the first time. It's
no wonder you're suffering. I know who you really are, Draco. You're not a
superstar. But to me, you're more than just my friend's enemy. You and I share
more secrets than anybody else, even my own friends. I feel close to you, which
is why I've been trying to make you understand how I feel. That I -- well, I
care deeply for you, anyway. And I don't care what you're doing, because I can
see... whatever it is, it isn't easy for you. Even if you're doing something
terrible, you don't really want to, do you? That's enough."
"You can't possibly know --"
"No, I can't. But I want to take that risk."
He seemed on the verge of tears. "No, you don't. You're just trying to get on
my good side so you can --"
"No," she said. "If I tell you the truth, will you believe me then? The reason
I've been trying to find out is because Snape asked me to. But I don't care
anymore."
"Snape?" he snapped.
"Yeah..." she said.
"I'll kill him --"
"No, Draco. You can't!"
He shot her a strange expression, halfway between a glare and a smirk. "You
have no idea what I'm capable of. Or what's going on in my life. You can't tell
me what to do. I know you don't even believe me."
"Wait. About us," she said, trying vainly to keep her voice steady. "About all
this stuff that's happened..." she didn't know where to start. She opened her
mouth to try and form the next sentence but Malfoy beat her to the punch.
"You can save your breath, Granger! There is no 'us'!"
"But --" she said, and paused for a moment. "But there is something --"
"No there is not!" snapped Malfoy, clearly not wanting to talk about it. "All
that's happened has nothing to do with us! Just drop it, Granger!"
"So you're in denial, then?" she said bravely, not fearing his glare anymore.
"I am NOT in denial!"
"Look," she said, sure to explain her business before she left, "You know what
I'm capable of. Do you really want me as your enemy?"
"You and what army, Granger?"
She punched him. As his arms came up, she released him. Moving away his hands
for a moment, she sighted blood.
He glared up at her. "You'll pay for this, Granger! You think I'll tell you
anything after this, you're dead wrong."
"Are they even on your side anymore? I haven't seen you with many friends other
than Crabbe and Goyle since breakfast before school returned. And even then..."
"Oh, they'll be revenge," said Malfoy. "I'm not like I was in third year. And
I've got plenty of friends, I've heaps of powerful friends, you know, I'm a
Malfoy --"
"Give it a rest," she said. "Maybe I should talk to your friends, then --"
"Where do you think that will get you? They won't abandon me, because they're -
-"
"--not real?"
"Don't make me out to be some kind of moron!" snapped Malfoy
"But you are one."
Malfoy pulled his wand out. Hurrying, Hermione followed the move. She started
to mouth the words --
"Crucio!"
She fell to the floor, dropping her wand, seizing up. It was torture. Her
muscles were twitching so hard she thought they might catch on fire. It was
several seconds before she realised the horror had stopped. She sat up,
dragging herself up the bed. "There," she croaked, "you've had your revenge.
Happy now?"
"Is that it?" he cried. "That didn't last long at all!"
"Maybe your heart wasn't in it," Hermione sneered.
"I've got hate, I do! I hate you, Granger! You can't do anything about me, you
can't save me!"
Hermione blinked. "Do you want me to?"
"No! I don't need you! I don't need anyone!"
"Draco... If you help us get out of here, you can come with us --"
"Can't," he said. "It won't be enough."
"Draco! Come on, it's now or never --"
He grabbed her by the collar, kissing her. He pulled away with a smirk a few
seconds later. He ignored her. "Go," he said, defeated.
"Malfoy, please --"
"Go!"
She left.
 
Snape knew he could never hide his feelings entirely; they were bound to come
out, always, and the best he could do was suppress them until he was alone.
Alone with Dumbledore was acceptable too, but he so hated revealing himself
that way around the old man, who was always so obnoxious, so pitying, so biased
in the other direction and so taunting that he couldn't help hating the old
man, especially when he managed to finally squeeze the truth from him about
Potter.
But by then it was too late; he had already pledged his loyalty, he had already
made the Unbreakable Vow; he really had no choice but to follow him, or he'd
die.
But there were some things he would certainly not let Dumbledore see. He had
never seen Snape cry; he wasn't going to reveal that any time soon either. It
was private, humiliating. Beneath all the bitterness and hate, there was
sadness, there was ache, all was born out of something so pathetic, too
pathetic to name, that he didn't want anyone to know the truth. Couldn't stand
it, couldn't handle it, couldn't erase, not for all the jars or punches he
could throw.
So he sat in silence, in solitude, crying over everything he bottled up. It was
all about Lily.
Or at least it used to be, for many years. But in the last few years, someone
else had entered his periphery, someone who had pervaded his thoughts even
beyond this one deep sorrow. Lily was an old hurt, no longer fresh; he'd always
love her, but she could no longer command his every private moment. He hated to
admit this addition to his list of shame, but he could no longer deny that he
reserved feelings for Lupin, as wrong as his desires may be. He wasn't passing.
"I'm sorry."
They stood there, just staring at each other. Lupin's eyes sparkled with guilt.
"You really do care," Snape realised. "But it's too late."
"It was reckless and selfish of me --"
"I know, but how do I know you're not still throwing yourself around?"
"Look at me, Severus. I'm not cheating on you, I'm appealing myself to you.
Nobody else, just you. I'm not who I was -- stop letting the past blind you.
You know who I really am, don't you, Severus, you just won't accept the truth
because you're afraid. There's no need to be, not anymore --"
"This war's not over yet. We have to be on our toes. That includes you, Remus."
Lupin sighed. "They know who I am, Severus. The werewolves. I thought I was
making progress..."
"Who's the blind one, Remus? You sabotaged your own mission because of me.
Before this is all over, nothing can happen between us. Ever. You have risked
the Wizarding World enough for one year --"
"I'm being stationed around the castle now, with the other Aurors."
"As a member of the Order?"
"Opposite side as Tonks. She doesn't know about it yet. Hope she doesn't find
out too quickly, either, I rather prefer my peace."
"Yes, I've personally observed Ms. Tonks and her weakening spirit. To think she
might be so hopelessly heartbroken over the likes of you."
"Sometimes its good to be a little bit clingy, Severus. At least it shows you
care."
"I don't," said Snape smoothly. "I couldn't care less about..."
Even when he thought he couldn't, even when Snape resisted it at every turn,
Lupin had gotten to his heart. In truth (a word he hated), he had always
covered up their history and the emotions they had carried with all of his hate
he could muster, and he had always played that part well until Lupin had shown
up again and crossed the line.
That was where it had all changed. He was so tired of barely hanging on to his
dignity, even if the others didn't see it, so tired of living a life he always
had to hate, because no matter what, it would screw up somehow. So tired on
holding on to a love he'd never have, and another he'd never wanted. So tired
of listening to his tears, knowing what they meant, and feeling his body drag.
So tired of everything; of life, of the Dark Lord, of love, of shame...just
tired.
"I'm tired, Severus. Why do you keep doing this? I have forgiven your past as a
Death Eater, so why can't you forgive my past?"
"Do you think I'm not? You always chose the easy way out," said Snape. "I
can't."
"You call joining the Death Eaters doing the right thing? You were as bending
to peer pressure as I was, Severus. You always chose what was easy --"
"Do you think it was easy to switch sides when you've been a spy for Voldemort?
Maybe you should try it!"
Lupin sighed. "I never said that, Severus. You know I respect all that you do
for us. And I already told you I had forgiven you for those days. I just asked
why you wouldn't pay me the same courtesy."
"You have no idea the torment I suffered in those days; you were happy at a
time that I wasn't, and I hated you all for it. The way you took pleasure in
it, and seemed to be worshipped for it. Don't think you don't deserve to be
shunned by me."
"I have had plenty of unhappiness in my life. Believe me, I understand. And
Severus, I did regret it. How can you think that I didn't, when I spent half my
time hiding my face in shame? We were all nasty little gits, but who wasn't at
that age? But believe me, I never meant to hurt you," he moved closer
consolingly, appearing to reach out for Snape's cheek, but Snape moved back
sharply, and crashed into his desk. "Don't touch me," he spat.
"I have changed, too, Severus. I no longer do what is easy. I would willingly
fight for Dumbledore if the opportunity were to arise -- which given the state
of things, is a possibility. I would do right by you if you were to ask me, as
I would anyone I care about --"
"If you had changed, you'd have done right by everybody and told Dumbledore
that Black was an Animagus --"
"-- but Sirius --"
"And besides, the fact that you'd admit to going willingly to war proves
nothing; you have bravely stood by your friends in the face of war before, so
it is hardly much change that you would fight for it, either. The place where
you run away isn't in the face of war, but personal consequences. Loyalty,
respect, responsibility... these are the things that frighten you. Whatever
loyalty you may have felt for Black he doesn't deserve; he's never been one for
equality," Snape added before Lupin could say anything more on that issue.
"Just because you never saw it, doesn't mean it wasn't there," said Lupin.
"Its just like you to blindly defend someone like that."
"Its not blindly. He was always loyal."
"And I suppose he always treated you the same as Potter, then? I suppose what
he did to both of us was loyalty, I suppose his paranoid suspicions over you
were another sign of his loyalty --"
"You can't judge Sirius by --"
"Can't I? I suppose its in his blood; even a rebel can't cut himself off
completely. What is it about him that makes you trust him so implicitly, when
he has done nothing but wrong you?"
"He was my friend.
"And what was I?" asked Snape. "I have plenty of reason to hate you."
"Your reasons are just excuses. What happened to you, Severus?" Lupin asked
sadly. "Are you running from who are? Or is it simply easier to pretend it
didn't happen, so you can believe that you're not that guy?"
"I am not the same as I was then."
"Prove it."
There was silence for a moment, and Snape remembered Lily. She was the core of
his insistence that he had changed. She had changed him for the better,
something he couldn't say of his relationship with Lupin. But that information
wasn't something he was willing to share, even with Lupin.
"How do I know you're not still taking the easy route with me by doing only
accusing me and sharing only my past? What are you afraid of that must be
covered up by questions and humour?"
"What would you like me to share?"
Snape thought for a moment. What would scare Lupin badly enough to make his
point? "What were you planning against me when you told Black about our night
together?"
Lupin froze. "What? I-I didn't."
"Don't lie to me. You let it slip. Why did you do it, Lupin? Revenge?"
"What --? No! I --... I..." he sighed. "You had just rejected me. I was
grieving. I took comfort in Sirius, but I'd never really seen him that way. I
never thought that it would drive him to pull that trick on you all those
months later."
"Greed?" suggested Snape. "You didn't think of the consequences. You were his
best friend, and you didn't foresee him doing so reckless and immature, when it
is in his nature to do so?" Snape said.
"No!" Lupin cried defensively. He wasn't going to let Snape bully his memories;
he knew what happened, who his friend was.
Snape scowled deeply. "Don't even think about trying to repeat the mistakes of
the past."
"I think you remember, I wasn't the one chasing you back in those days. You
were stalking me; even more so when you figured out what I was. I'd thought you
were addicted to danger."
"Do not even start, Lupin!" cried Snape. "I'm not that pathetic little boy
anymore! You are the one who is the creep here, not me!"
"Severus, why can't you let go? All you're doing now is blaming your past on
everyone but yourself." Remus stepped forwards. "You have a choice."
"I don't," said Snape. "I have my duties."
"You're allowed to move on --"
Snape looked into Lupin's eyes, which were filled with innocence and
concern... "I don't want to share myself with someone so..." Unworthy? He
looked into Lupin's eyes and couldn't bring himself to say it. Lupin looked
deceptively pure in that moment, but Snape knew who he really was.
"...deviant."
"Are you afraid I might betray your trust --"
"You have before," pointed out Snape.
"I know I have. I'm different --"
"Oh, I see, you're different," mocked Snape. "Whatever you say you are, I am
constantly disappointed in you. Back then..."
"I know," said Lupin. 
"I'll see you around, then. Lupin..." Snape moved around him and left.
 
The walls shook. Lupin alertly raised his wand and began running to the sound.
In the back of his mind, he saw Tonks running towards him, discovering him
within the castle. The thought quickly vanished however as the danger within
Hogwarts became apparent.
"Incendio!" shouted Lupin, sliding to a halt. Death Eaters stood there, at the
end of his wand.
For a moment, it seemed as though the pair were engulfed in flame, before the
fire spat outwards and Lupin had to duck in order to avoid it.
Lupin held his wand at the ready against the Death Eaters.
"Crucio --"
"Aguamenti!"
A blast of water knocked one of the Death Eaters off his feet, but the other
one managed to hit Lupin, knocking him to the ground in a fit of spasms.
Lupin was well used to the pain of transforming into a werewolf every month
since childhood, even if some of those occasions were under the influence of
the Wolfsbane Potion. This allowed him to fight the pain long enough to crawl
onto his arms, flip around to face his attacker, reach for his wand.
"Oh, no you don't --"
"Incarcerous!" shouted Kingsley Shacklebolt from behind him. The curse released
its hold from Remus and he grabbed his wand, shakily climbing to his feet.
"Thank you, Kingsley," he said.
"Come on, let's go," Shacklebolt said, and Lupin followed fast after him as the
continued down the corridor, looking to find the Death Eaters, to see what was
going on...
 
 
Everyone was silent as they were crowded around the hospital bed of Bill
Weasley. Lupin was disturbed as he watched Bill's bloody face, feeling deep
sympathy for him. He remembered how worse his situation had been for him; it
was easy to sympathise with any victim of Fenrir Greyback. Bill still looked
very nasty nonetheless. It was bound to be, though, whichever way you looked at
it; he was mutilated and unconscious, and the damage was undoubtedly permanent.
Even if he would not be a full werewolf, that would remain true.
This whole situation, this bloody battle, was close to unbearable. Lupin
himself had participated only to defend Hogwarts, only on behalf of Dumbledore.
He remembered, too, how it used to be the first time Voldemort was powerful,
and wished, hoped, that this violence would not become a regular occurrence as
it did before. However, he knew the truth; that this was just the beginning...
The door to the hospital wing opened suddenly, and Ginny and Harry entered.
Lupin watched them anxiously, for he could be nothing less than anxious in this
situation, and moved a little forwards expectantly, as Hermione ran to them.
"Are you alright, Harry?" she asked.
"I'm fine," he said. "How's Bill?"
Nobody answered. They were still holding their silence, it seemed. Harry
watched Madam Pomfrey dabbing Bill's wounds.
"Can't you fix them with a charm or something?" he asked. Lupin knew all too
well that her answer would be 'no'. She confirmed this.
"But he wasn't bitten at the full moon," said Ron, gazing into his brother's
face intently. "Greyback hadn't transformed, so surely he won't be a -- a real
--?"
He looked expectantly at Lupin, who expected this. "No, I don't think Bill will
be a full werewolf," he said, "but that doesn't mean there won't be some
contamination. Those are cursed wounds. They are unlikely to ever heal fully,
and -- and Bill might have some wolfish characteristics from now on." He didn't
like to admit this.
"Dumbledore might know something that'd work, though," said Ron. "Where is he?
Bill fought those maniacs on Dumbledore's orders, Dumbledore owes him, he can't
leave him in this state --"
"Ron -- Dumbledore's dead," said Ginny.
"No!" cried Lupin desperately, looking wildly from Ginny to Harry, hoping for
Harry to contradict her. He didn't. It felt as though the world was crashing
down, and Lupin collapsed into a nearby chair, disbelieving, horrified,
covering his head in his hands. His mind fought desperately to accept it.
Dumbledore...gone. It seemed impossible, he felt helpless.
"How did he die?" whispered Tonks near him. "How did it happen?"
He didn't want to hear but he listened anyway. Distraught as he was, he had to
know, to make sense of it. And then the worst happened.
"Snape killed him," said Harry. This struck him even harder. Severus? No, how
could it be? He was in the Order, Dumbledore trusted him! He couldn't have. But
again, no one contradicted Harry, and Lupin slumped over in defeat. Severus...
Lupin felt so betrayed.
"I was there, I saw it," continued Harry, immediately after the first blow,
oblivious as ever to Lupin's pain. Lupin didn't want to hear it, but there was
no escape, so he just settled in and tried to bear it.
"We arrived at the Astronomy Tower, because that's where the Mark
was...Dumbledore was ill, he was weak, but I think he realised it was a trap
when we heard footsteps running up the stairs. He immobilised me, I couldn't do
anything, I was under the Invisibility Cloak -- and then Malfoy came through
the door and disarmed him --"
Lupin heard a faint slap of skin as Hermione had clapped her hand to her mouth.
He heard Ron groan.
"-- more Death Eaters arrived --" continued Harry, "-- and then Snape --" Lupin
trembled at the name; no one noticed, "-- and Snape did it. The Avada Kedavra."
Madam Pomfrey burst into tears. Lupin couldn't blame her. But then suddenly
Ginny said, "Shh! Listen!"
Lupin listened along with everyone else, Madam Pomfrey choking back tears to do
so. It was a phoenix -- probably Fawkes -- singing a sad lament. The emotions
cut into Lupin, paralysed by the magical music, and slowly the pain ebbed
sweetly from his chest as he contently settled in to listen. Eventually, he
removed his face from his hands and looked up in the direction he thought it
was coming from, following it, letting it fill him.
He felt the song's misery, entranced by the melody. At that moment, there was
no Voldemort, no battle, no devastating injuries, just him, listening to a
beautiful song. And it was beautiful, in all its sad wonder. Was this true
beauty, even this tragic thing?
How long he sat there listening, he could not tell. But long enough, he
reasoned. It didn't matter; the sound was fading now, ever so faintly, and that
pulled him from his reverie, back to reality. But he could face it now, he
could hold up his head. Such was the power of beauty, he supposed. And after
what seemed for ages, Minerva arrived through those doors, full with ripped
clothing and grazes on her face.
"Molly and Arthur are on their way," she said. Lupin could only imagine that
visit. He could already see their horror in his mind's eye at their son's
injuries. It brought back old childhood memories, memories of his father,
distraught by what he'd unwittingly set upon his son... the pain...
Minerva asked Harry what had happened, too. He gave her the simple version.
Madam Pomfrey, having composed herself, had to conjure a chair for as she was
collapsing with disbelief, too. "Snape," she repeated. "We all wondered... but
he trusted... always... Snape... I can't believe it..."
"Snape was a highly accomplished Occlumens," said Lupin a little too harshly.
He felt too betrayed to defend him now, letting that buried bitterness inside
take hold, which he could never have done before. "We all knew that," he said,
as if to justify himself, as well as everyone else. Still, he felt like such a
fool, and a little angry...maybe Harry was right, after all...
And they continued on talking, trying to figure it out, finding out about ways
and means, learning about how the Death Eaters got inside, why Dumbledore
trusted Snape in the first place -- which he found hard to buy -- until finally
Molly and Arthur arrived, abrupt and surprising Lupin as the doors burst open
and they strode from the other end, Fleur behind them, looking just as
terrified as they were.
It wasn't exactly as Lupin had pictured, but quite similar initially. Molly's
fear, Arthur's questions... however, as he hadn't considered Fleur, he did not
predict the argument between her and Molly when Molly had offhandedly insulted
Fleur. Even more than that, he did not picture the the outcome, but was at
least happy for them to have sorted it out. But, at the look of Tonks, Lupin
suddenly had a sinking feeling.
"You see!" came Tonks' strained voice, and all Lupin's false hopes came
crashing down. And now she was glaring right at him, and he faltered a little
under her gaze, wanting to hide his face. "She still wants to marry him, even
though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"
Rightly, he felt nervous and exposed. He knew this was coming, but all he
wanted to do was avoid the subject. She was making a spectacle, getting
desperate now, and he wondered why it had to be him.
"It's different," Lupin tried to convince her, though he was so tense now, he
thought he was hardly fooling anybody, even if it was the truth. "Bill will not
be a full werewolf. The cases are completely --"
"But I don't care either, I don't care!" she cried, shaking him roughly, as if
she thought to snap him out of it. "I've told you a million times..."
"And I've told you a million times," said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes,
guilty and embarrassed, "that I am too old for you, too poor... too
dangerous..." And as he explained this last excuse, even knowing they weren't
enough, that they would never explain the real reason, images flashed across
his mind of his werewolf form attacking people, and of all the times this stood
in the way of a relationship with anyone, wanted or not. Snape's face lingered
there, leering. He clenched a fist.
"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," said
Molly, patting Fleur on the back.
"I am not being ridiculous," said Lupin, sure to keep his voice even. "Tonks
deserves somebody young and whole." After all, he did still care about her,
even if he didn't love her.
"But she wants you," said Arthur with a small smile, as if he really did love
her. It occurred to him that they all probably did think that, but he already
knew that anyway. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily
remain so." He gestured sadly at his son and Lupin felt another twinge of
sympathy.
"This is... not the moment to discuss it," said Lupin, afraid to tell them the
truth and end this debate once and for all. The problem wouldn't disappear even
if he did, in any case. "Dumbledore is dead..."
"Dumbledore would've been happier than anyone to think there was a little more
love in the world," said Minerva curtly, which only succeeded in making Lupin
more miserable about the situation. Just as she had said so, the door opened
again and Hagrid entered, distracting them all from the subject.
The little of his face that was not obscured by hair or beard was soaking and
swollen; he was shaking with tears, vast handkerchief in hand.
"I've... I've done it, Professor," he choked. "M-Moved him." And he updated
Minerva about the state of progress everything was in.
"Thank you, Hagrid," she said, and told him she needed the other heads of House
to face to soon arrived Ministry and have a meeting, before asking both him and
Harry to accompany her. He was curious about Harry, but he'd find out soon
enough. And as they left, he was left alone with the others, who remained
silent at first, but then began to pursue the subject of Voldemort and the war.
But Lupin's heart was not in it, this new debate. So soon after learning not
only of Dumbledore's death but also the fact that it was Snape who had killed
him came back to him now. The realisation that this was the end, that they were
enemies oppressed him now even more. That Lupin could no longer fight to
manipulate himself into a happy ending. That he would be a hypocrite to try,
seeing the way Tonks felt for him all year, but reminded of so cruelly just
moments before.
 
 
"Remus," said Tonks, once they were alone. Her eyes were pleading and teary. "I
love you. Don't you even realise that?"
There was no hiding this time. So he faced her and said, "You don't deserve
me."
"Rubbish! I don't deserve the one I love?"
She'd twisted his words. "That's not what I meant..."
"Then you don't realise, do you?"
Lupin said nothing, afraid to speak. This was enough confirmation for Tonks.
"You don't," she said. "How much clearer could I make it to you, Remus? Why
don't you believe me?" she demanded.
He couldn't tell her he loved someone else. He wouldn't tell her that that was
why. It wasn't that he didn't believe her. He was just trying to shake her off.
But she was stubborn, too stubborn. She didn't fall for his false feelings,
which were weak at best, so she never stopped pressuring him. Surely she must
of grown weary of that by now... he had.
"Do you really want to spend your life alone?"
"Its not that long of a life." He was a werewolf, so that was true. But it was
still a tactic he was still using to avoid her. He had to keep her distant.
"Dammit, Remus, why do you do that?" she demanded. "You always disregard
anything important just so  long as it means you can run away! Please..."
"Then why put up with me?" he asked in another attempt to shake her off. He
couldn't believe he was still trying, though his attempts were becoming
feebler. But honestly, how much had it cost him already? His privacy marauded,
his relationships oppressed, constant nudging not only from her, but from Molly
as well, and all of them...
"Haven't you heard me? I love you! I will never let you forget that. Can't you
see how miserable I am without you?"
He could; no one should be so upset over just him. It was painful seeing it,
knowing he was causing it. Knowing he would continue to cause it. But he didn't
love her...
Lupin looked at her sadly. Could he really bring himself to tell her the truth
finally? "You've spent all this time worrying about me, how you felt --"
"You'd better not tell me what I think you will!" she cried. "I'm not being
selfish, Remus, I only care about you!"
"Then why don't I get a say? Everyone is so quick to tell me I'm wrong! What
about how I feel?"
"Why am I not enough for you?" pleaded Tonks. "What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing. But --"
"Then you have no excuse!"
"Yes I do!"
"No you don't! Why must you always be running from me? What are you afraid of!"
"I'm not afraid!"
"Then prove it!"
He thought of Severus. He couldn't prove anything to Tonks, not without
revealing his biggest secret. Tonks had cost him many things, but she would not
cost him that. It wasn't she who he loved. It was Severus. And yet... Snape had
betrayed them all. How could he trust him, when he had already caused so much
pain?
He looked helplessly into Tonks' eyes. "You see!" she cried. "You can't do it!"
She didn't understand. No one did. He always understood others, but he never
felt that anyone even tried to understand him. The only way for them to accept
him was to stick with her. "You're right," he lied, defeated. "I do love you.
But I was afraid."
Tonks grinned. "Oh, Remus!" She launched herself into his arms, and he held her
uncertainly, already sure he had made a mistake in lying to her about this. No
matter what he did, he was sinking lower and lower into this trap, letting her
bully him into this unwanted relationship.
At least he finally understood what he had been doing to Severus all those
years ago. Even more than that, he felt so guilty that this is what it took to
make him understand; a relationship like that he shared with Tonks, that put
him right into Severus' perspective.
She was squeezing the life out of him. Literally, too. He patted her shoulder,
both urgently and supportively, lost as to what else he could do.
Finally, she pulled away. Lupin huffed.
"I'm gonna prove myself to you," she yammered, "this summer, I'm going to show
you what you're missing. I'm going to prove that I can make you happy, Remus,
once you let me," she smiled. "You just have to let me."
Lupin forced a smile back. Maybe he really could be happy too, even if he
didn't love her. It had been a while since he'd had the real company of a
friend like Tonks was to him.
She might still ruin it by trying to sleep with him. He wasn't going to allow
himself to think of that. If she tried, he could just refuse, right? Tell her
he wanted to take it slow...
"We can try..." he said sadly.
Tonks smiled. "Do you have a place to stay, Remus? You can stay with me..."
"Tonks... I don't know if that's a good idea..."
"If you really want to make it work, you have to let me into your life,
Remus..."
He didn't. But what could he do? "For a month. That's it."
Tonks jumped for joy, her hair blooming bubblegum pink. "Oh, Remus..."
"Tonks," he said. "Don't forget, lives were lost tonight."
"I understand that," she said seriously. "But ours is just beginning..."
Right, of course. Maybe she was getting a little over-enthused about this. This
was a trial run. That's what he told himself. He would never cross that line,
never truly let her in, but even if he could show her what it would truly be
like being with him, perhaps that would be enough for her. For both of them.
There was still opportunity left to get out of this mess. But perhaps now was
the time to grab hold of whatever was left to him. Maybe he would come to
accept this as a happy ending in time. It was all he could hope for now.
[End Chapter]
***** Growing Up and Growing Old *****
Chapter Summary
     Lupin turns his back on Snape, as he struggles with himself after
     eloping with Tonks; Snape discovers his own feelings of love for
     Lupin, while hiding in the shadows under the guise of Headmaster, and
     takes it out on his future Headmaster portrait; Draco and Hermione
     separate, on opposite sides of the war, and Hermione and Lupin become
     secret allies.
How had it come to this? Married. Didn't he have more self-pride than this?
Didn't he deserve more?
No; he knew exactly what he thought of himself. He was just a lone werewolf
with nothing to lose. He should never have let her in; she had fully taken
advantage on him. For a Hufflepuff, he couldn't believe how devious she had
been.
"You love me, don't you, Remus?" she asked. He still didn't have the heart to
answer her, even to lie, no matter how much he'd changed over the years. It was
a loveless marriage.
He looked at her beaming face... Well, at least she loved him in this marriage.
She had to love enough for the both of them. Her bright pink hair stood out
vividly under her veil. ("I was thinking of making it blue. You know, just for
the 'something blue'..." she'd told him earlier.)
She took his silence for a yes. "It's okay, Remus," she whispered. "I know you
do. It's obvious to everybody."
Remus walked down the aisle in his cheap rental, taking in the intimate
audience all situated around the front of the room. He walked on, numb to them,
as though he were walking air that might give way underneath him at any moment,
sending him plunging to the ground. He remained steady on his feet, however.
Just.
He looked out at the audience to his debacle; thankfully few people were
gathered before them. He was almost glad their marriage was an elopement, just
so he wouldn't have all those witnesses of a true wedding staring at him,
making him feel worse. This less official way gave him the narrow hope that at
least their union might be annulled if he needed to back out.
He looked at the priest. There was something in that action that gave him the
nerve to go along with this, feeling as lonely and pressured as he was with
Tonks.
He turned back to her with a smile slowly gracing his face. "I love you too,"
he said to Tonks, in a fit of impulse. It wasn't true, he knew it wasn't true,
but he couldn't help saying it anyway. He wondered if maybe it was another way
of easing his own guilt.
"Oh, Remus..." she squeaked, eyes glazed with tears. "I knew you did! I knew
it..."
He took the final vows as a hangman on his noose. He took Tonks, and she took
him. It was done.
It was all rather hollow and meaningless. His heart didn't spring like Tonks'
did, just dragged it's feet along the sand, as though being dragged through
captivity. At that moment, he wanted to love her, he really did. He wanted to
be that happy, like every other happy couple he'd always seen around him. James
and Lily. Arthur and Molly. Bill and Fleur.
Him and Snape. No, Lupin thought. Not that. Never again.
It was just impossible now. Dying alone was now a fate he envied. It was
better, far better than living this lie. He had never felt so trapped in the
closet.
 
No matter the perks in his life, including being the unannounced headmaster of
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Severus Snape had a hard time
living through his time with the Death Eaters. He was burdened with one too
many things to truly be content in his rule over Defence Against the Dark Arts
(now just called the Dark Arts): the total transformation of the school, the
Carrows, the darkness he had never intended or wanted in the school, even
coming from him... Even the fact that everyone in this school were labelled
under Slytherin couldn't lighten his spirit; it was, after all, a lie. Not
everyone is good enough for Slytherin.
Certainly not Neville Longbottom. Though all of his years of inadequacy, he
really was going into as constant a Gryffindor troublemaker as ever Potter was.
But now that the Death Eaters had taken over the school, satisfying his old
childish dreams from his naive youth, Longbottom might well be putting his own
life in danger, as well as number of other children he associated with. Even
Snape wasn't truly one of them anymore. His heart was lighter than it ever had
been since those early years of his life. He didn't really belong here anymore,
any more than any of the other children now in his charge.
No matter the solitude in his life, Snape was regretfully finding his solitude
turn to loneliness since killing Dumbledore. Maybe it had something to do with
his ageing years. Maybe it had something to do with Remus Lupin.
His only recourse was looking into the year ahead, already visiting the castle
and the grounds to see if things were as safe as he could make it before the
start of the school year.
He had also looked into what he could of those students who might cause strife
to his reign. Even now, there was rallying to others to stand up for the rights
of the students of Hogwarts. Of course, these injustices were all over the
Daily Prophet, which was as of yet still free from the likes of Voldemort.
Snape didn't need to read the paper to know about these rallies, though. Nor
did he have to read the soon-to-be issue announcing his new position. His ego
didn't need that much of a boost right now. Instead, he spent what small
portion of the day he had free to read the partly fictitious novel called The
Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore.
Despite it's own lies, he found it comforting. Though Dumbledore was gay
(Severus himself was not; he could go either way), what he truly enjoyed it for
was its darkness, the supposed choices and events that Dumbledore went through,
the murder of his sister. It seemed even the Great could carry Great baggage.
Snape himself wasn't entirely innocent... but that didn't mean that he clung to
darkness for its own sake. It was just that it had always been a part of him,
was who he was. Yet now there was something else in him, making his heart
light; for once in his life, he felt a lighter purpose than what was best for
himself. There was something else in him that he needed more than what he
wanted.
Maybe he cared too much. But perhaps for Lily's sake, he would embrace it. Only
for her sake.
He settled into his new office late into the night, having nothing else to
occupy his mind through this torturous holiday. He desperately wished for it to
end soon, even knowing what horrors might greet him after it was over. Perhaps
he would resign to return to Spinner's End, for what time he had left until the
train set off for Hogwarts.
He visited to the Hog's Head. He could use a brew and a bed for the night, and
he didn't fancy The Three Broomsticks. It was probably closed for the night by
now, anyway.
Aberforth treated him with the usual contemptuous disregard. He responded to
this attitude with his usual flat familiarity, stating clearly what he was
buying. He went to bed with the usual stain on his mind, accentuated by the
grime of the Hog's Head.
It was Dumbledore's plan, officially. It had been Dumbledore, officially, that
had told him what had to be done, from the portrait and beyond the grave. You
could always be sure that even in death, there was always consolation to be
found in the Wizarding World. He'd almost have a portrait of Lily, if it
weren't for the fact... A screaming image of Mrs. Black came to mind in
Grimmauld Place.
He'd already searched for what he could in that little dump, well before the
impending holidays, way before the Aurors had arrived there to keep him out.
He'd been looking for a picture of Lily, as well as anything important they
might be keeping from him... When he'd found her letter, every emotion he'd
kept in check for the past sixteen years had burst forth. Everything from the
time Dumbledore pledged him to his service, everything since pledging to
himself never to release that side of him ever again.
He knew how delicate reputations could be. One mistake, and you could turn from
a magnificent bastard into a pathetic crybaby. But no one was here, so he let
himself cry. It was his dirty little secret.
After he'd cleaned himself up, tucked away that portion of the letter and
searched the rest of Grimmauld Place, he apparated straight to the Malfoy
Manor, as the Death Eaters gathered for their intelligence meeting. Snape had
an important role in that meeting... the announcement of the time of Potter's
move.
It was Dumbledore's -- but more to his mind, his -- plan, that one of the Seven
Potters. The announcement went over predictably. And, just as predicted,
Voldemort bought every word. Snape himself, unlike at that fight at the
Ministry two years ago, would be part of that charge. It was a time for him to
prove his loyalties.
Or not.
Dumbledore's instructions had been clear: don't fire against any other Death
Eaters. Don't give yourself away. It had been a mere fluke that he'd gotten
away with it. He struck Lupin's mystery passenger rather than Lupin's attacker,
forcing the broom carrying the both of them to dive away, dodging spells almost
as if on a jinxed broom.
He didn't miss that cold glare from Lupin a moment before they went down; that
look of pure loathing. A look once reserved strictly for Lupin by Snape.
Snape was even more loath to admit that he lost control. Lost control because
of Remus Lupin. He could feel his heart breaking, a burden in his chest as
solid as the night Lily died...
As the night Lily died... He couldn't believe it. He was actually in love with
Remus Lupin.
 
"Hold on!" Lupin shouted to George as he steered his broom to a hard
right, doing everything possible to save him. He had to be a moving target. And
the bigger the movements while keeping mind of where the Death Eaters were, the
better.
Bellatrix dropped in front of him, her face full of malice and madness. Shit -
- He went to turn left, but the Death Eaters were gaining on him there. Lupin
raised his wand. It looked like he would have to fight his way out of this.
Then, suddenly, George pushed heavily on his back, his hands reaching past
Lupin to steer the handle of the broom. Lupin caught it back, but by the time
he did, he could see the Death Eaters above and behind him. He veered the broom
further to the right, nosing it sharply up. If he got any lower, he ran the
risk of being spotted by the Muggles...
The Death Eaters followed him up. "Why did you do that, Fre--" Lupin cried.
"I'm bleeding! This isn't the time to be duelling Bellatrix Lestrange! You
might stick to that greasy git, Snape, but --"
Lupin flipped the broom around in the same direction.
"What are you doing?" cried George.
"This is war!" cried Lupin. "I'm paying him back in kind!"
"I didn't mean that literally! We have to go!"
Bellatrix's laugh rang through the night, like a cackling baby. "Loopy wants to
fight back, does he?" she shrieked. "Is he going to get me?"
George pulled back the broom. "Over here!" he shouted to the next closest
friendly broom. Fred and Mr Weasley stopped immediately, pulling up to Lupin
and George.
"Lupin, come back!" Kingsley demanded.
"He deserves to pay!" Lupin shouted, and glared at Snape behind the other Death
Eaters. He thought he registered a change on his face there, but quickly
dismissed it.
"Now is not the time for that! Pull back!"
"That's right!" Bellatrix shouted, "Run away, like your little traitor,
Pettigrew!"
Lupin shot a curse at her, but she easily avoided it; it hit Rodolphus instead.
"Come on!" cried Kingsley.
Frustrated, Lupin turned around his broom again, flying off behind Shacklebolt
and Hermione.
Bellatrix kept closely on his tail, but Shacklebolt covered for him. Lupin
gratefully took the opportunity to shoot off for his and George's safe house.
He hoped they wouldn't be too late for the Portkey...
 
Hermione watched Lupin carefully after everyone arrived at the Burrow -
- everyone who had survived at least, or hadn't run like Mundungus. She had
seen him rage at Harry, and that worried her, even after he'd calmed down. She
knew he'd meant well, of course... but this war was taking a far bigger toll on
him than she had ever seen. Some part of her was afraid he would, that he
already was breaking. She would do anything to protect him.
Lupin told the others his version of events of what happened out there with the
Death Eaters. It was between the four of them, Lupin, Fred, George and Arthur.
The three Weasleys were outsiders to their secret lives, but she remained
confident of their confidence -- the Weasleys didn't look like he ever wanted
to discuss that ordeal at any length, and Shacklebolt seemed calmly to keep it
to himself out of loyalty to Lupin.
But still she worried about him.
After everyone had their shots of firewhiskey, she noticed him drink one more
glass than the majority of the group. He may have calmed down, but inside he
was restless. She could see that plainly. It was shocking that nobody else
seemed to notice. She wondered what had really happened to him out there...
After people started to break up, she sought him out. She noticed only vaguely
that Harry and Ron were missing from the room. "Lupin?" she said.
He gave her a tipsy smile. "Yes, Hermione?" he asked, without any of his usual
refinement, yet with some restraint.
"Out there, what happened..." she lowered her voice, leaning in. "I saw what
you did. Why did you go after Snape like that?"
Lupin raised his voice, announcing, "Snape is a snarky, greasy git! He betrayed
all of us!"
Fred hollered his approval near them by the couch, which George echoed.
"Now, Remus," said Arthur. "Settle down. There's no need to..."
"No need! There is every need! Right, Hermione?"
She looked helplessly back at him, not wanting to answer anything particularly
strongly. After last year, she had learned enough to know that nothing was ever
black and white.
She didn't know why, or how, Snape could betray them. Even now it was something
she couldn't wrap her head around... What she did know was that everything had
changed. She had, Snape certainly had, and from what she could see right now,
Lupin certainly had, too. And she knew even without seeing him here that Draco
must've changed. They all had.
Between the four of them, Hermione thought she changed drastically as the rest
of them. But she was also the one that had changed the least. She, after all,
did still have some control of what she did next. She felt certain, even with
Lupin, that the others all had been pulled into a pressure vortex that they had
no control over. Wherever they fell in this war, they had no choice but to
follow.
But Hermione could take a stand. She had the power to change the war.
 
 
It felt perverse to be taking a Headmaster's portrait so quickly after his
actions at the Seven Potters with the Death Eaters, and especially after almost
severely wounding Lupin in the air. He'd seen all that blood, Lupin manoeuvring
the broom to keep them both falling to their deaths, the Death Eaters
ruthlessly chasing after them, taking advantage of something Snape had done to
them. Not even knowing whether it was Lupin or...
Whoever that Potter had been, he'd fallen unconscious then. If it had been
Lupin, if he'd miscalculated even an inch differently...
Even in the likes of Potter, he felt no pleasure in his pain even slightly, not
even the illusion of it. He had hated the boy once, but he had also spent years
protecting him from the Dark Lord. In his years of being a genuine Death Eater,
he had grown an iron stomach; but that was not to say that the self-loathing
didn't come back to him now, thinking about it.
Somehow, Snape suspected that however this turned out, he would not being
keeping his portrait locked away nearly as long as Dumbledore had. And he knew
that, just as with Dumbledore last year, he would have only a year to fill the
portrait with every piece of himself as he could. He'd hate to leave behind a
2-dimensional portrait like the ones the lined the corridors and staircases.
However Snape had managed to promote himself to this level, it would all be
meaningless if he didn't leave behind a sizeable proof of his achievement.
It all seemed to hollow now. Everything he'd ever wanted, all that ambition,
and yet right now he had other priorities to reach. His fate was larger than
he'd ever truly dreamed in those early days. Those old ambitions were ones he
used to cling to, a position of respect as this. Authority had always been
second to that. It was now, though, possibly the very last days of his life,
that he truly understood the ambition he was meant for. Once, those shallow
ambitions had a place in his heart. They were what he wanted, not what he
needed. But right now, this, was the purest passion that existed in his heart.
Lily. Lupin. Lives...
After he received his portrait, he took it, looking at the job he'd done. As
Snape was left on his own again, he stared at his portrait's stiff gestures,
looking at himself as if in a mirror.
He looked on his face in disdain, as memories came over his mind. Bad memories,
things that had been done to him. Sooner or later, he'd have to add these
things to the portrait. Painful as they were, as much as he resented them, they
were part of him.
A deep frown creased his face as he looked at himself. He hid his portrait away
in the closet, looking at himself already shrouded in darkness, and took out
his wand. He performed the incantations to add that life to the portrait, and
as it glared back at him, he closed the door and locked it.
Snape already sensed that that portrait would be a great burden to him, he knew
that among everything else. But he knew himself. No matter what he felt, he
would always keep his secrets tight in his chest.
"Muffliato," he said, pointing his wand at the cabinet. That should keep out
snoops. He locked it inside.
McGonagall would be by in a few hours. It wouldn't be a very pleasant visit; no
doubt in his mind that she was simply coming this early to tell him off. He had
done an excellent job cementing to everyone that he was a Death Eater, on
Voldemort's side -- Lupin had been proof of that -- and since then, she had
been one of the most outspoken.
She was certainly proving her House colours through all this...
 
 
Malfoy was no longer the spoiled brat he once was; his father once been the
role model to him, that role was breaking now.
He was determined to remain the same. There was still Pansy, there was Crabbe
and Goyle, there was even Blaise Zabini at Hogwarts, and that wasn't changing.
In Slytherin, you'll meet your real friends... He certainly had, and he was
gonna use this year to catch up to those alliances. Everything that happened
last year was behind him; this was a new year. It was a thin line, but all he
had to do was keep his head down.
Slytherins would understand that too, especially the ones with Death Eater
parents. If Draco had been in any other situation, he'd probably try to
befriend them, increase his standing in this Death Eater world... but right
now, all he wanted was to survive. There wasn't anyone whose opinions mattered
more than his own, but that didn't mean he had to go mouthing off, either. His
parents would be dead now if he was that stupid. No matter what anyone else
said, no matter what happened, he was going to survive this school year. No
matter what his friends said, or his teacher's, he'd just mindlessly agree.
He looked down at his list of required reading, standing beside his mother in
Diagon Alley. At first, he had been surprised not to see Secrets of the Darkest
Art on there, but he supposed they wanted to hush up that Voldemort was running
the school now. If it had been there, Draco supposed that he'd look up and see
confused blocks of children and parents, and the prospect of walking down
Knockturn Alley...
Instead what he saw was a very slow, unsettled crowd, pressing in around him.
Draco might almost join them, if he wasn't agitated instead of their
inconvenient milling. They did have places to shop.
He looked across at his mother with a mixture of scorn and apathy. His father
didn't have the time to do school things with him anymore, so his mother had
come with him for the second time.
Too busy moping, he expected, and grovelling to that snake-faced freak. Even if
it was his father he'd always cared more about, he had to agree with his mother
on that; he had heard his parents arguing his mother had taken him here. Even
if they weren't going to Knockturn Alley, the books on his list still seemed
pretty dark. He could just imagine everyone here, all their parents whinging
about how terrible they sounded, how they didn't want their kids exposed to
it...
Draco walked into Flourish and Blotts to pick up their books. His mother slid
one book after another, moving along through aisles and shelves of the
bookshop. Draco wandered off to the left, looking at other books. He had to
break the line in the middle of the room, the one his mother was no doubt
avoiding, and opened a book.
When had Diagon Alley gotten this low? Everything here seemed sort of twisted.
If Diagon Alley had gone this far from the bunnies and rainbows it was before,
then what did it look like in Knockturn?
His mother appeared behind him closing the book he was looking at. "Good work,
Draco," she commented, and slammed the book into the cauldron. "I've found the
other two," she added, holding up two more leather-bound books. "Let's pay and
leave."
The line was such a bother. All these unsuspecting idiots, waiting in line and
buying books they would never have gotten on their own, blissfully unaware and
chocking up the line with pre-orders. You'd think that'd quicken things, but it
didn't, just seemed to make them drag on and on...
After they'd gotten everything else they needed, his mother made a portkey
home, and Draco took his books and the rest of his things to his room. One by
one, he took out his books and leafed through them. One by one, he felt worse
and worse about the school year ahead, more determined than ever about his
newly rediscovered career path.
Living in this Death Eater world was so depressing. The least he could do with
his talents was some good, in the end. Even Death Eaters needed Healers...
 
 
Hermione Granger was also well prepared. Draco and Hermione had originally been
drawn to each other through that kind of similarity, even if they were
opposites at their core, the kind that owed achievement and brilliance to each
person. She had everything all figured out, so when the Death Eaters arrived
five days later at The Burrow, she was prepared.
Even if Ron would never admit it even before knowing that she even had any sort
of connection to Draco Malfoy. Imagine his jealousy if he knew...
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did," Ron insisted.
"With who, then?" she challenged.
He shrugged. "With nobody," he gave up.
"If it was nobody, how did I cheat on you? I didn't lie to you," she said
defensively.
"Well then, you cheated on me, didn't you?"
Even Ron wasn't a complete idiot. What had given her away? He turned away from
her, watching Harry sleep.
"Do you think he's the one?" asked Hermione. "Obviously, you think it's
someone..."
"I don't think its Harry," Ron said, defeated. "Honestly. I usually just dream
about spiders..."
Hermione rubbed his shoulder. "I guess there are more important things to worry
about these days..." she said. Over the years, Ron was the last person -
- besides Harry -- she ever saw herself with. But it was easier this way...
just because you never expected it, didn't mean you couldn't embrace this new
part of yourself. Draco had never really been meant for her; one subtle
similarity does not a relationship make.
She rested back flat on the cushions that Ron had offered her to sleep on. She
took his hand. "You and me, Ron... it's you and me," she smiled.
He smiled, squeezing back. "Yeah," he muttered, laying down next her with an
unsettling feeling. They soon fell back to sleep.
 
 
 
She could barely have known that days later Lupin would arrive, looking to join
them, and that Harry would drive him away. It would have been comforting to
have an adult around, especially if it had been Lupin… Even if she realised
later that Harry had a point in turning him away, that Lupin really did have a
bigger responsibility to his family than to Harry, it was still barely an
excuse to treat Lupin as he had.
Yet at the same time, Lupin's actions were clearly those of a man running some
feeling of family rather than that of a man running from family. After all,
Tonks had bullied him into this relationship, and Lupin had known and loved
Harry for far longer.
Lupin apparated back out to King's Cross, where Arthur, Kingsley and Tonks were
waiting for him. "Harry's still there. The Death Eaters are there too, staking
outside. What about the rest of you?"
"No luck. Death Eaters are hovering over Privet Drive -"
"And I encountered the same at the Lovegoods'," said Arthur.
"Remus," said Tonks, "isn't there anything we could do for Harry? Lure the
Death Eaters away, or --"
"There's nothing we can do to stop them," said Lupin. "We lure them away and
more will come. And we don't want to give away Grimmauld Place as a location of
interest."
Tonks frowned. "Well, unless we want to make Platform 9 3/4 our new
Headquarters…"
"Actually," said Arthur, "impractical as it may be, that might just be low-key
enough to be safe."
"Forget it," said Lupin. "The platform is just as accessible to the Death
Eaters as to every other witch or wizard, and don't forget, this place will
soon be filled with children, teenagers and parents heading back to school."
"Right…"
"Well, what about Hogwarts?" asked Tonks. "That's usually safe --"
"Not under the current regime," said Kingsley. "Dementors, Death Eaters… and
Severus Snape has taken up Dumbledore's old position as --"
"What?" cried Lupin. "Snape is Headmaster? But he killed Dumbledore!"
"I don't like it any better than you do, Remus," said Kingsley. "This is all
very far from ideal. Voldemort has completely twisted the Wizardiing World into
his sick puppet."
"Don't say that name!" hissed Tonks.
Lupin and Arthur looked equally confused as they turned to Tonks. "Why not?"
Arthur stole the words from his mouth.
"Wotcher," she said. "Don't you remember the last war? I mean, I wasn't there,
but Moody told me… that everyone who said it… soon had Death Eaters on their
tail."
"Are you saying…?" said Lupin.
"Voldemort made his name Taboo," said Kingsley.
"I should tell Harry --" Lupin began, but paused at Harry's last words to him.
He couldn't go back… And he couldn't send Tonks back, either. But Harry might
be in danger. "I'll tell Hermione," he decided instead.
"Remus!"Her voice echoed back to him in his most recent memory of her, just
before he had come here. He could always rely on her. He could tell she felt
closer to him after all these years, too. He shared the feeling.
"Why can't you tell Harry?" demanded Tonks.
He looked at her regretfully. "We aren't on terms now."
"Why? What did you do?"
He couldn't tell her the truth. "He didn't take it well, coming back with us.
He's determined he work on his own, just the three of them."
There was something he had to do first, though, another message he had to send:
to Severus Snape.
 
 
Snape left the Hog's Head, his robes billowing behind him as he stalked out and
apparated away from Hogsmeade.
Lupin turned, spotting him. He lifted his wand against Snape.
Snape looked back at him unblinkingly, confident but not smug that Lupin would
not fire at him. "I understand completely. By all means, keep your wand raised
against me. But hear me out."
"That's a laugh!" snarked Lupin, "You never once gave me a chance, and now you
want the same chance from me that you would never give? You killed Dumbledore!"
"Yes," said Snape, "I did."
"You ruined all our chances to win this war!"
"Then why are you still fighting?" said Snape. "Besides, do you not have...
Harry Potter?"
"Don't talk to me about Harry! You never once cared about him --"
"But I did protect him. That wasn't for nothing, Lupin."
"Harry is gone. Whatever he's doing, he's not here --"
"Dumbledore told you to trust him. It seems as though you're disregarding his
word --"
"You killed Dumbledore! Don't pretend you ever cared about anything he said!"
Snape fell silent for a moment. "I'm here for a reason, too, Lupin, and it's
not to argue about Dumbledore or Potter."
"Then what is it?"
Snape looked back into Lupin's face, watched the angry, distrusting expression.
He understood now what Lupin must've felt all those years, since the year he
taught at Hogwarts. He understood how he must've felt for him, because now
Snape felt it too. That same longing, that same desire...
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the grievances you feel you hold against me, I'm
sorry for all the bitterness I've passed on to you. I hope you find someone
else... who can love you the right way. But I did what I had to, and I won't
apologise."
"You --"
"I know. I killed Dumbledore."
"You don't even care, do you? You don't care about either of us! I was wrong
all these years to love you... it was just idealism, I see that now, not
love. I have a life now --"
"No, you don't," said Snape. "Who do you really think you're fooling, Lupin? I
was the blind one, blinded by hatred--"
Remus held his wand firmly against Snape. "And you still are!"
"Remus," said Snape. "You can lie to yourself as much as you want now, tell me
you don't love me. But don't tell me you never did, before I screwed it all up.
I know now, I see it so clearly. You did."
"Snape!" Lupin cried, in an attempt to silence him. An odd look passed through
his eyes, on-guard and vulnerable. "Give me a reason," he echoed Snape's old
words. "Give me a reason to do it, and I swear I will." However, he didn't
quite pull it off. He sounded less certain and more torn apart as he said it,
though. As though he were only trying to be vindictive; as though he were on
the defence, and he didn't really want to hurt Snape at all.
"Give me a reason... I beg you..." It sounded like he was really begging. His
wand was shaking, and Lupin was crying, his tears coming stubbornly as though
to taunt Lupin.
"I'm sorry," said Snape.
That clearly threw Lupin for a loop. "What?" he choked.
"For putting you through this. You trusted me."
"That's right. I did!" Remus cried with more conviction. "And you betrayed me.
You betrayed us all!"
"Go ahead," Snape admitted. "Kill me if you have to. Let your hatred consume
you, too. Go ahead and destroy everything you've ever wanted since we were
children. I've done too much to go back now. I love you, but that doesn't
change who I am."
"You -- love --?"
"Yes, Lupin. You were right. It doesn't change anything. It won't make me
switch back. I did what I had to do. I'm committed to this, now. If you really
want to kill me, if you really hate me that much, then go ahead. You couldn't
kill Pettigrew, but you could kill me. That's right, isn't it, Lupin?"
"It's different. Harry stopped me."
"Oh, he did, did he? And look how that turned out. Now, I wonder… what would
Potter say if he were here now?" The edge of his lip raised in recognition.
"Oh, that's right, he'd probably egg you on, wouldn't he? All this time… if
Black had just let you kill me in the Shack all those years ago, out of what I
can only call now jealousy… would you be happy? It would've solved everything.
I would never have joined the Death Eaters, and…" He paused, seeming to change
his mind. "We wouldn't be here now."
Lupin's wand lowered an inch in hesitation. "If I killed you now…" he said. But
he was no longer certain. This was a mistake. But, was it? "...it would solve
everything." But he wasn't really committed to what he was saying. He was numb
to his own thoughts, unable to hold them back now even though he had no
intention of carrying them out.
"That would solve everything, would it?" said Snape. "Because I'm worse than a
rat. Your morals don't really count for me, do they? Or perhaps you think you
made a mistake once, and that is one you have no intention of repeating?"
Lupin really wished Snape would shut up, as if it was really an option to kill
Snape. It wasn't, not anymore. His heart was too full of love and heartbreak to
do anything near that. Why did it have to be him? Why Snape? Was he was just
doomed to be caught in the same stale situation he had trapped himself in out
of his own grief?
He and Snape would just have to be miserable together.
He lowered his wand and apparated.
 
 
Hermione wasn't on the train. She wasn't going to Hogwarts at all. Draco Malfoy
never saw her as the type to skip school. Didn't she seem to care at all about
her own ambition, didn't she even care enough about him? She could've faked her
way in, at least, even if she was a mudblood. Somehow, he realised, he didn't
seem to even care anymore. He could fake his way back into having his friends
again, but he couldn't fake his way back to her.
Snape was there, though. He sat right there in the middle of the teacher's
table, in Dumbledore's old chair. Soon, he would stand up and give the
Headmaster's speech.
"Some of you may be wondering about the new changes to Hogwarts this year. Let
me assure you, that everything is all as it should be. As you all by now are
aware, a Hogwarts education is now compulsory for all young witches and wizards
inside Britain. This is a necessity for all within our community to create a
stronger society. No longer are we to allow anyone to skate by. It is your duty
to become more productive agents in the world we are creating together.
"There are a few more changes besides which that you may need informing of,"
continued Snape, as he went through the major announcements.
Draco looked back at Snape. Once there was a time when he could stare back
admiringly, longingly, taking in every word like it was gold, but he just
couldn't anymore. Even if he was practically of age now, things weren't the
same as they used to be. After Hermione, and all the feelings that had grown
for her, he needed something casual anyway.
He scouted the talent at his own table; he would never let any of his other
Slytherins know of his attraction to other guys, or he'd never hear the end of
it. He had always been the one with the power, and no matter what, he wasn't
giving that up.
He'd be the first to admit that having this man that he had such a history
with, both the love and the hate of that relationship, sitting Dumbledore's
seat was awkward. There was still an entire school year yet to walk around each
other like they were walking on glass. But by all means, that wasn't the only
thing he had to do that year; his eyes set upon a girl sitting in Daphne's old
seat. Target set: Astoria Greengrass, Daphne's baby sister. She was enough to
fall under both categories; attraction and purity.
She flirted back at him. She was nobody. A perfect opportunity to get to know
each other a bit better...
 
 
"I'm sorry about Harry," Hermione apologised through the fake galleon she had
asked Lupin to carry around with him when she'd last seen him at the Burrow.
Even if he couldn't join them, at least they could keep in contact with him.
"Thank you, Hermione," he said, "but I'm afraid it doesn't help."
Hermione frowned. At least he was honest with her, though. "How are you holding
up?"
"Well, the Order has been looking for a new headquarters; the Burrow hasn't
really been entirely safe since the Death Eater's visit. I told the Order what
you told me about Tottenham Court Road, but considering the current climate, it
just means there's really nowhere safe we can go anymore. We've just been
moving around a lot from place to place since then..."
"I mean, what's going on with you?" said Hermione.
"Um, I'm not sure there's much to tell..." he deflected. "Snape... his
betrayal... it has made me a little too reckless lately. I feel like Harry, the
way I've been acting... Or, Sirius..."
"Why, what did you do?" asked Hermione.
"I went after him. Snape, I mean."
"What?" she cried. "And what happened?"
"Do you remember that night in the Shack?" said Lupin, "When he raised his wand
against me and Sirius?"
Hermione gasped, almost dropping the coin. "You didn't!"
"I almost did. But I lost my nerve. A-and... Severus said he..."
"What?"
"...loved me..." murmured Lupin.
"What? He didn't! But he thought he..."
"He hasn't," said Lupin, "he hasn't changed at all. He's still with the Death
Eaters. And he's still Headmaster. He's still bringing evil and chaos upon
Hogwarts..." Lupin looked haunted. Hermione simply looked back at him,
devastated for him.
"Remus... Are you okay?"
He didn't look okay. "I don't know what to do. It's all I've ever wanted all
these years. I actually dared to dream... Even alone, I dreamed often of him. I
even told myself that I would love him even if he were... this. I told myself I
wouldn't care. I was a fool," he said.
"At least you've got Tonks. Even if you're worried about your son, you
shouldn't be worried about Snape. You're in a relationship now --"
"Can I tell you a secret, Hermione?" he said rawly. "And Hermione, you can't
tell anyone, not even your friends. Especially not Draco or Severus himself."
She was about to ask. Instead, she just nodded and agreed. "What is it, Remus?"
He lowered his voice, so softly she could only just separate his words from the
timbre of his voice. "I'm gay. I don't really love Tonks at all."
"Oh..." she said, her voice like a gasp for air. "Oh, Remus," she said sadly.
"You didn't... Oh, I can't believe it. After all this time... I..."
"I know," he said.
"I..." she repeated. "I used to have a crush on you!"
His eyes strained disbelievingly at her. "You what?"
"Yeah," she said. "I mean, I never really believed it. Draco always said it,
but..."
"Hermione --"
"It's okay!" she said hastily, "Don't worry about it, Remus, really, I'm pretty
happy with Ron now, anyway. I mean, it's what's best for me, isn't it? Still, I
can't believe it..."
"You don't have to be embarrassed," said Lupin. "We all have our own desires,
no matter how other people feel. You should never have to apologise for what
you feel... like I have..."
Hermione frowned emphatically. "I'm sorry, Remus. How is Tonks?"
"Completely oblivious, just like everyone else, of course," he said. "Except,
everyone else isn't trying to get into my pants. And she's so... decisive.
She's always so... eager with me, I've never felt more like leaving."
"I'm sorry, Remus... I honestly thought you were happy."
"I suppose I've only got myself to blame. I should've just stopped the wedding
right there, before I'd said my vows. I should've been fairer to Severus. I
should've..." He sighed. "I don't even know anymore."
"No..." said Hermione. "No, Remus, no, it's not your fault..."
"I'm not blameless in this, Hermione," he said sadly. "I was so desperate,
acting on my own desires. I was a fool. And now I know what it feels like on
the other foot."
"I'm sorry."
Lupin forced a smile. "Thank you, Hermione. But you don't have to be."
"I am," she said. "No matter what Harry said. No matter what anyone else says.
I'm really sorry. If I thought, even for one second..."
He smiled back, genuity shining through now. "I know," he said.
"I do still care for you, Remus," she said. "Even if that feeling is a bit
different than it was in Year Three."
"We all have to grow up, I suppose. I think we've all done that, too. Not just
you and Draco; I have, too. Even after all these years, I've grown up even more
these last four years. With you, and Severus, and Draco."
"Can I ask you something?" said Hermione.
"Of course," said Lupin.
"At the Burrow, you kept calling Snape by his last name. But now you've started
calling him Severus again with me. What exactly is going on between you two?"
Lupin frowned. "I've told you everything that happened between us."
"But not how you feel about it. Do you... love him too?"
"It's not as simple as that," he said. "He betrayed me. All of us, in fact."
"I know," she said. "Trust me, I know. With all the things that have happened
between me and Ron --"
"This isn't like that," said Lupin. "This isn't just drama. This is war."
"I know," said Hermione. "But even then --"
"No, not even then. There are some things beyond even mine or your control.
Some people are just too dark, some people just slip beyond your grasp, no
matter what your desires toward them."
She thought of Draco. "You're right. You're right, this isn't just relationship
drama. It's war. I guess... that's why I chose Ron. Draco, he... I could never
turn my back on my friends like that. I could never choose evil, like he has."
"What you have to understand," said Lupin, "is that Draco didn't choose evil.
Even Draco hasn't become as dark as Severus has. Even with Draco, he's not
evil. He's simply had to abandon everything he knew just to survive."
"I once told Harry not to judge evil too lightly, and here I go... Everything
we've been through together, Draco and I. I wasn't just talking of Snape, but
all of us. But between the four of us, Snape's been the most closed off, the
most hostile. I think it's because he's got the most to hide, and not because
he's hiding evil. Even if he is, which seems obvious now, there's so much more
to him than that. It must've been hard... admitting his love to you. I just
can't believe he's doing all this without a reason."
"And what do you think that is?" asked Lupin.
"I don't know... Honestly, right now, Snape's the least of my worries. I'll
contact you when Harry, Ron and I have fulfilled this mission we're preparing
for now. I'm just ironing out the plans now."
"What are you going to do?"
"I think it's best that I don't tell you until we've completed it. I honestly
don't know when that'll be, though, so just be patient. I mean, you must have
your own work for the Order, too, which will keep you busy..."
"You don't know the half of it. At least it'd all be a good break from Tonks if
they didn't always stick us together."
"Isn't there something you could say?" asked Hermione. "Like, that maybe always
being together takes the mystery out of the relationship?"
"The Order doesn't really care about that, nor should they. It's all about the
mission. Tonks is rather upset with me because of my suggestion, though.
Especially when I bring up her pregnancy as a reason to keep her out of
action."
"She's a tough one, all right," Hermione agreed. "She'll have to when she gets
a bit bigger though, won't she?"
"That's the consensus," said Lupin. "But we're all in disagreement about when
that will be. It'll be a load off the sooner it happens, but until then, I
guess I'm stuck with her."
"You're listening to what Harry said about sticking by her, then?"
"Yes, unfortunately he was right. As much as James loved Harry, he'd want me to
raise Teddy with a father he could look to, even if that father was a
werewolf..." He bowed his head shamefully.
She nodded emphatically. "I understand. I'm glad. I just wish Tonks was a bit
more..." she said.
"I'll get used to it..." said Lupin with a resigned smile. "When Teddy comes,
that'll be something to look forward to, at least. No matter what he is. Oh
god, how could I...?" his face disappeared for a moment.
"Remus?" Hermione called.
"I'm here, I'm here," he said, reappearing. "I just..."
"I know. It must be hard. But you'll get through it, somehow..."
"I'm sure you're right. I just..."
She smiled. "I know..."
Soon after that, she could hear Ron and Harry coming from elsewhere in the
house. "I'm sorry, I have to go now! Harry and Ron are coming! I'm sorry to
leave you like this..."
"It's okay, Hermione. I'll be fine. You just go," he said, and his wiped the
connection. She hid it away again in her purse, soon finding herself waiting
until Harry and Ron reached her.
 
Draco got up out of bed, looking down at Astoria. Pansy would kill him if she
knew. This was just a meaningless fling, anyway. He snuck out of the girl's
dorm and walked into the Slytherin common room. The cool green glow was
soothing, as he sat down on the nearest seat and closed his eyes.
There had to be an easier way...
But since when had his life ever been easy? Voldemort was like a distant memory
now... and then he saw Snape in his mind, saw his face, that glaring, virile
image coming towards him. The memory of them taking advantage of each other in
a charged battle for dominance.
Then he saw himself as a child, and it disturbed him now, how he felt about
Snape even then. How his feelings for the man, in Hermione's absence, were
coming back stronger now. How they followed him. How he was the reason, not
Hermione, that he was throwing himself around like this.
Maybe it was because of both of them; maybe neither. All he knew was that there
was an emptiness, waiting to be filled. Neither Astoria or Pansy seemed to fill
it. Hermione and Snape came closer, but...
Snape was seldom around these days. Even when he was -- most often in the Great
Hall -- they only stared at each other like it was a contest, each trying to
fulfil something inside...
"Things are different now," Snape had told him in the hall. "I am the
Headmaster of this school. And you have bigger things to worry about..."
Not as far as Draco could see. Or maybe he just didn't care.
Pansy screeched, "You hooked up with Greengrass?"
He turned his head. It looked like Draco and Snape weren't the only pair
battling for dominance.
After Snape's speech at the Start of Year Feast, Draco began to see just how
much things had changed at Hogwarts. A prime example of all this was that the
Restricted Section was no longer restricted. In fact, the Dark Arts class
required it.
He picked up a random book, looking briefly at its purple colour before he
opened it up. The pages morphed and folded into an impression of a human face,
its voice dark and melodic.
"...the goblins revenge, and blood ran like water across everything..."
Draco closed it, a strange twinge aimed towards the words. He put it back,
wandering further down the aisle, wondering what else was here. He paused,
looking ahead and spotting Astoria. A slight smirk reached his face,
remembering their fling more perverse than anything he'd ever had with
Hermione. Even through all the disturbing lessons he'd sat through already,
he'd found a silver lining.
Pansy had been jealous of her the other night. He suspected a rivalry was
forming between the two of them over him. Which suited Draco just fine, but if
Pansy thought he had ever been loyal to her, she was wrong.
He slipped past, heading down the opposite aisle, browsing some more. She
followed behind him, as he picked up another book, The Subtle Art of
Necromancy.
"Necromancy, huh? You got a dead girlfriend or something?"
"Just browsing," he replied.
"So, you into the Dark Arts, now?"
"Are you?" he asked. "I just want to get ahead in it."
She shrugged. "Me too."
"What were you reading?"
"The Subtle Science and Exact Art of Lovemaking," she said. At his odd look,
she burst out laughing. "Did Snape give that exact same speech to your first
year Potions class too?" she asked.
"Yeah," he admitted. "I kind of worshipped him over it for a while..."
She laughed again. "Mostly, I only liked him because he gave me full marks for
bad potions. It was good to be a Slytherin when your Head of House just gives
it away like that."
Draco smirked at the memory of his charged history with Snape. "Yeah, I know
what you mean."
"We should study together," she said. "Don't get me wrong, I understand last
night was a... one-time thing. But come on, we could be mutually beneficial to
each other..."
Draco smirked back her. "Let's go," he said.
[End Chapter]
***** Faith and Misery *****
Chapter Summary
     Draco faces Snape in his office, and his relationship shifts from his
     secret one with Hermione, to a more public affair with Astoria
     Greengrass; Hermione becomes isolated from Lupin, finally reuniting
     with him after facing torture at Malfoy Manor; and Snape is faced
     with Lupin's accusations, and Lupin tries to face up to his feelings
     towards Tonks
Fred and George had just joined the Order, and it was their bright idea that
their fireworks could be the perfect secret communication for members being
watched by the Death Eaters. 
The fireworks that said POO was his signal to move.
Knockturn Alley had practically become an extension of Diagon in this new
world, rather than a cut off for ordinary wizards, but there were still things
here that the Death Eaters and the Ministry didn't want the public and the
Order to see. Lupin had Lee Jordan and George Weasley here with him tonight.
He'd almost feel like he was babysitting if it weren't for the determined looks
on the men's faces, betraying their normally comical personalities. Inside,
Tonks was with Fred and Arthur.
This was Lupin's first mission away from Tonks. He didn't owe this success to
any other factor other than that their own strengths that brought them into
different roles, so he wasn't about to take a moment of this for granted. He'd
rather station among the werewolves again than spend another mission by her
side; spending too much time together just degraded his situation even more.
They had five minutes to distract the Death Eaters brought by the inevitable
alarm to give Tonks, Fred and Arthur a chance to escape.
That's it; they shot into the air, on two brooms instead of three, with Tonks
having to share with Fred. "Wooo, yeah, you go, buddy! Yeah, ride her!" George
shouted out. Then a barely apologetic look to Lupin. "No offence."
"None taken," Lupin said lightly, rebounding a Death Eater curse back from him.
"Ready for the Grand Finale?" Lee said with great delight.
"Are we ever!" said George.
"Accio brooms!" cried Lupin.
And as they took off, Lee sent the final shot to setting off the final
fireworks, which burst into the sky with Voldemort's followers, sending a grand
message to all of Wizarding London; 'The Order are still fighting'. As Lupin
tailed behind George, he felt almost giddy with rebellion, happy for the first
time in a year.
He followed them back to their temporary Headquarters. He savoured the cold
breeze, as it whipped at his face through the air.
Lupin knew what was coming. He just had to ignore it; ignore right up until she
was staring him in the face again. It was the only way he would find peace.
"Remus, Remus!" she cried the moment they all touched down. She slammed into
him in an energetic hug. "You won't believe what Lee just came up with! Oh, but
we're back together again, so I'll tell you about it later... Oh, I'm so glad
you're alright!"
Reluctantly, he returned the hug. "I'm glad you're safe, too," he said
reluctantly. Even through all his suffering, he did mean that. He couldn't let
himself become, well... Severus. He wasn't gonna let himself turn just because
he was suffering; he had always cared about Tonks, in a matter of speaking.
Besides... he may as well play his part. Even if the last thing he wanted to do
was indulge her and make things worse for himself.
He could avoid Tonks forever, though. He just needed a little time.
But he'd had plenty of time last year, and things had never gotten any better.
Perhaps avoiding her wasn't the best thing to do, even as every second with her
made him want to run with everything she expected from him that he could never
give.
"What is it, Remus?" she said, finally walking into the room at the end of the
night. "What's the matter with you tonight?"
"It's not just tonight. It's every night," said Lupin. "I'm just so afraid..."
"I know, I know," she said, sitting down beside him on the bed.
"No, you don't," he said, pulling away from her and pacing towards the door,
turning to face her.
"What is it, Remus?" she repeated to him, determined to hear him out.
"Our child..." he said. "It will be diseased, I just know it. And us... we..."
he gestured furiously between them. "I don't love you," he finally admitted out
loud.
"Of course you do," she said. "You married me --"
"No, that isn't... that really isn't any indication," he said.
"Well, of course it is! You love me, Remus. I know, I've always known!"
"You felt."
"Well, it's the same thing... isn't it?"
"No," said Remus.
"Well, then, what the hell is it?" she demanded.
"It's..." He couldn't explain, didn't have the heart or the mind to explain.
She'd never understand. "Never mind."
"No, you tell me! You tell me, Remus, or I swear..."
"You'll what?"
She took a deep breath. "I'll leave you."
"No you won't. You'll never leave me," he said sadly, defeated. "You'll never
leave me. Look what happened to you last year."
"You --" said Tonks. "You love me. I know you do."
Lupin felt sorry for Tonks; she'd never accept the truth. She never could, she
was too lost. She needed to believe it too much.
"You're right," said Lupin. "I don't know what I was thinking."
 
 
Lupin wanted to talk to Hermione. He was afraid to contact her through the
galleon, though, because of her important mission with Harry and Ron.
There was so much he wanted to tell her... about his mission, even about Lee
Jordan's idea: Potterwatch. Anything that could keep him fighting on, anything
that could bring his mind away from Tonks or the child, remind him there were
reasons to stick around. He was fighting to remain in control.
Night, he thought to himself, thumbing the galleon in his pocket. Surely they
wouldn't be carrying out any missions in the middle of the night. He'd contact
her then.
As night fell into the late hours, he snuck away from Tonks and pulled the
galleon from its hiding place, walking outside and using the galleon to contact
Hermione.
The coin face turned black. Peering through the darkness, he felt like he could
see someone there. "Hermione?" he asked.
No answer. He tried again, with the same results. Eventually, he just had to
concede that she was asleep, as were Harry and Ron. Perhaps he would try again
tomorrow.
 
Hermione blinked away the sleep drooping her lids closed. It was only a few
hours until dawn... she just had to hold on till dawn...
A thought came like a jolt to her system, and her eyes snapped open. The
galleon! She'd promised Lupin she would contact him back after their adventure
at the Ministry. Quickly and quietly, she slipped back into the tent, heading
for her purse. "Accio galleon," she whispered, and caught it as it zoomed out
her. She snuck out again, taking her stance once again.
"Lupin," she summoned him through the coin. "Are you there? Lupin?" she hissed.
It took several minutes before she was able to summon him. "Hermione?" he
whispered. "It's four in the morning. You're lucky I was even still awake..."
She frowned. "Why were you, then?"
"Well," he said, appearing to think in the darkness, "I tried to talk to you a
few hours ago. You were asleep, or so I thought. I could see something..."
"I'm sorry, I put the galleon in my purse. I guess I just forgot..."
"Well. I don't know," he said. "I'm really struggling with this. Tonight I had
a mission of my own, away from Tonks. But..."
"What was the mission?"
"The Order was investigating some Death Eater activity in Knockturn Alley this
evening," he said. "Which is to say... Tonks and Arthur broke up a deal in
Borgin and Burkes. It seems some of the more obscure ones are still meeting
there, and tonight Borgin and these Death Eaters tried to garner a deal to
infect the local muggles across London with Dark magic."
"Oh no!" gasped Hermione.
"Don't worry, it all worked out," Lupin said. "But what about you, how did your
mission turn out?"
Hermione told him all about the break-in at the Ministry, everything but what
they were doing there. Lupin was horrified. "Hermione, what would possess the
three of you to do something so dangerous? What was the point of all this?"
"Remus, we had to do it," she said. "Besides, the Ministry's at the heart of
all this business anyway, someone's got to infiltrate it. Oh, Remus, you should
see it..."
"Did you learn anything important, at least?" he asked.
So she told him about everything she and Harry had learned poking around there.
"Do apologise to Mr Weasley for me," Hermione added at the end. "I know Harry
would want to. He was disguised as Runcorn, you see. He told me about what Mr
Weasley said to him."
"I'll be sure to explain everything to Arthur. Well, Hermione, it's rather
late. When can we speak next?"
Hermione thought for a moment, looking up. "I'm not sure," she admitted, "it
might be a while. We're travelling around, you see. Death Eaters have
discovered Grimmauld Place, so we can't really go back..."
"You're kidding," he said, shocked.
"Yeah..."
"Hermione, maybe we should hold off on contacting each other for now. Keep the
galleon safe, and we'll contact each other at night if it's urgent."
"You won't need me... to talk to?"
"Oh, I'm desperate for it, but I'm afraid we can't. In the current climate, it
feels too dangerous..."
"I've gotten a similar attitude from Ron."
"How is Ron?" Lupin inquired.
"He splinched himself. We're taking care of him."
"Merlin, is he alright?"
"He's coming along. I brought some essence of dittany, so he should heal up
fine."
"Glad to hear it."
"Good night, Remus."
"Night, Hermione."
She wiped the connection and put the galleon away.
 
 
"Slytherin," Draco announced the gargoyle that guarded Snape's new office. The
statue started to turn away and reveal the staircase that would take him
straight up to Snape and he jumped on, eyeing the door above him coming closer
and closer.
He opened it as he reached the top, jumping through. Snape paused in the middle
of the room, turning to his new visitor. "Malfoy," he said, stiff and glaring,
"what are you doing here?"
"We need to talk!"
Snape glared at the closet for a moment before looking back inquiringly at
Malfoy. "And I suppose," he said, "you thought you'd be perfectly safe in here,
with no one around but you and I. Well, Mr Malfoy, I urge you to look around
again, at all the eyes looking down on us now.
Malfoy did, seeing all the Headmaster's portraits on the walls, talking amongst
themselves. "I say, let the boy speak!" one proclaimed, as though they weren't
caught up in all these secrets and lies, as if Malfoy actually had something
important to say.
"So?" Malfoy demanded anyway. "So what if they're there? What do they matter?
It's not like they're real people --"
"Watch your tongue, Malfoy, those men and women are as real as anyone you'll
meet outside that door, and as immortal as any ghost in this castle."
"I suppose you fancy yourself immortal now that you're a Headmaster. And what
does that make me? Voldemort's experiment --?"
"Do not say that name!"
"What does it matter, Voldemort's not after me anyway! Look!" cried Malfoy,
pulling up his sleeve and revealing the Dark Mark.
Snape repeated the motion back at him, revealing his own unerasable mark.
"Don't think you're special, Malfoy, just because you bare that symbol. You
were his experiment, just like any other of his followers have been, just a
means to an end. Don't think that just because you have that, you are free of
his wrath. I should think you'd learned that last year."
Malfoy glared at him and pulled the sleeve back over. Snape did the same.
"I know that," said Malfoy, "But now is not like last year. I'm going to get
back on top. I don't want to help him anymore, that doesn't mean I'm going to
let him throw my life away. I was meant for great things --"
"Slughorn has taken over all House duties. If you --"
"Will you listen to me?" cried Draco.
Snape paused, looking down at him. He pointed his wand up at the portraits.
"Muffliato," he said. He turned to Draco. "What is it?" he asked impatiently.
"I'm of age now. I know you've changed towards me over the years --"
"No," he said.
"I know you --"
"I do not... feel for you the way that you do for me, whatever that may be.
Besides, for the last number of years, haven't you been moving on? You and Miss
Granger --"
"Well, she's not here now, is she?" snapped Draco. "And besides," he said, "it
was always you and me that --"
"You haven't cared about me for years. I have no desire to throw myself around
like you do."
"Do you like someone else?"
Snape went stiff. He refused to share that bit of information with him. It was
none of his business; it was a matter between him and Remus. He didn't want
anyone else to know...
"I want you to leave now," said Snape.
"No!" he cried. "I want --"
"I do not give a damn what you want Malfoy," Snape yelled, towering over the
teenager, his black robes hanging off him like a bat's wings. "I am Headmaster
now, and you my student. If you know what's good for you, you will leave me
well alone!"
Looking back at him out of spite, Draco turned and left.
Relaxing back into himself once again, he opened the closet up once again that
housed his portrait. He repeated the spell, poring this new part of him into
it; the secrets, lies, his past not now of being a Death Eater but his personal
experience between Remus, between Draco, even his irksome little adventures
with Granger. The memories plagued him, and this was the only way he could
express them privately. He feared even the pensieve wasn't safe anymore.
He locked his portrait back up, and sat back down at his desk, ignoring the
Muffliato charm as it blocked the portrait's complaints from his ears. That was
the very last thing he wanted to hear right now.
 
 
He smirked at the memory. Some kind of result it had, though; they had done the
threesome, but... somehow now he had caught himself in the middle of a petty
drama. As if any of it meant something.
Draco didn't care. He was honestly getting sick of Pansy complaining all the
time. She'd never been this annoying before...
The next thing he thought of was Snape. He'd gladly have an affair with the
Headmaster just to spite Lupin. "You always were jealous of Lupin... he has a
closer relationship to Snape than you could ever hope for --" He wanted to
spite Hermione too, even Astoria or Pansy with the petty drama he was being
dragged into by them. He didn't care about either of them. As much as he tried
to think the same thing about Hermione, he couldn't, though.
As much of an unworthy bum as Lupin was -- he wasn't even a Slytherin -- Draco
knew, deep down, that he still had a better chance than him just by age alone.
How pathetic did a person as young as him have to be to go for someone so old,
so conventionally ugly? Why had he ever liked Snape?
Yet even now, the answer was stirring in him. He exuded confidence, skill,
experience... and there was a mysteriousness to him that kept you wanting more.
As much as he hated to admit it, he had Draco addicted to that combination
once. He was about to have him again. It was childish, yet it still worked him
all over.
He hated Snape for that. He would pay.
Faith didn't exist in his life. It was useless; the only thing you could rely
on was yourself. It was probably the reason he didn't linger too long on
relationships, only did what was expected of him, and kept his friends as
tools. But now with Astoria and Pansy fighting over him, his only escape was
looking for a way into Snape's heart and secrets. And the only way to win Snape
was to wreck him for anyone else.
 
 
Hermione palmed the fake galleon in her jumper. She already missed speaking to
Lupin, it had become just as important for her to talk to him as it had been
for him four years ago. It was just another comfort she had sacrificed. She was
stuck with Ron now.
Not that he was bad company. It's just that she had secrets she could never
share with him.
She thought of Draco; she shared those secrets with him. And she did care about
him as much, even more than Ron. But... she would never be enough for him. She
was a mudblood.
Apparently, she wasn't even good enough for Ron. She was left feeling empty and
alone, crying over everyone she'd lost. Not just Ron, but Draco and Lupin as
well. Even Snape couldn't really be entirely evil to give Ginny the same
punishment for trying to steal the sword as any other staff during peacetime
would have.
Tears streamed down her eyes, blinding her to the world. It wasn't important
now, none of it was, not even their big breakthrough. All there was was misery
and hopelessness.
When the tears finally ebbed, she hugged herself in the chair she was in, cold
and damp and miserable and let Harry take first watch. There wasn't any point
in her taking it. Right now, she didn't feel like there was much point to
anything at all.
She thought of Remus and Tonks. She wondered if this was how he'd felt about
her, about being with her, this level, this lowest level of misery. God, right
now, she wanted nothing more than to contact him and apologise for something.
For congratulating him, maybe. For thinking it was all okay and rooting for
them to stay together. Even with a child, what was the point in such a loveless
marriage?
She tried to garner that old faith, that faith in Harry to be able to fight
Voldemort, to fight against these horcruxes, but she wasn't even sure it was
there. All she felt was emptiness. Even if it all was worth it, even when she
planned to fight alongside Harry... she just couldn't do it. Not now, at least.
Not right now...
 
Naming his passwords after things he'd kept no secret of caring about had
obviously been a mistake. Snape changed his password now to something no one in
the current climate could possibly guess about him, a password just for him.
From now on, he realised, he could let no one else into his office. From now
on, it would be his sanctuary, just as Dumbledore's had been for him, however
he felt about that man...
He opened his portrait's closet. As light came out of his wand for the third
time, his portrait was filled with intimate knowledge of what he had to do,
with memories both bitter and dear of Dumbledore, and with his attitude towards
all of his students, whether Gryffindor or Slytherin, best of which were one of
each.
In the end, they were just another burden on his shoulders. His favouritism was
nothing more than an emotional way to connect to his former self, his only tie
to Lily, even to Lupin, no matter what either of them would have to say about
it.
Even as he felt it, he didn't care about love. There was nothing virtuous in
it, nothing endearing, nothing bearing any great strength apart from what one
might do for it. Severus Snape hated love, even as it captivated him, if for no
other reason than it demands trust, and that was something he could never
afford to simply hand out.
Even feeling love, he knew that he could trust no one, and he never could. His
situation, and the loyalties it revealed, proved that if nothing else could.
He locked the portrait up again, casting a protective charm on the lock. A band
of rowdy Gryffindors had stolen into his office. If they were to attempt to do
it again, he did not want his other self being discovered. Though that self
mirrored him now in keeping his secrets, the portrait had become private to him
now, precious, like a diary. Even if they could never see his secrets, he
remembered his old potions book with vehemence and swore never to allow that to
happen again.
This portrait was him, through and through, and it spoke to the core of him. He
would not have it sullied by Gryffindors.
Snape couldn't linger too long in his office tonight; he still had
responsibilities to perform in this school, responsibilities that he
bared constantly since the year began. It was a miserable job, but he was well
used to misery by now.
Dumbledore had entrusted both swords to him, and Dumbledore didn't need to tell
him what to do for Snape to take action. All he needed to do was to use Phineus
Nigellus to find out the location of Harry Potter, a job that Nigellus was all
too willing to do.
But there was more on his agenda tonight than just providing Potter the
sword. Hard as it was to control the Carrows, he was still in charge of this
school, no matter the connection to Voldemort that tipped this all to the edge.
"You're a hypocrite," said Lupin.
Snape spun around and caught Lupin's reflection in the mirror on his desk. How
the man had cut through the magical block he'd cast he couldn't know. Even if
he was friends with that marauding band of his during their school years, that
did not mean he was as clever as them.
"Save your breath, Lupin, I've heard it before." That didn't mean it wasn't
comforting to have Lupin on his desk, casual as anything. No matter how the man
felt for him now.
"Why, Severus, just why?" said Lupin hopelessly. Snape still avoided his eyes.
"I did what needed to be done. Dumbledore is not the man any of you profess to
know and love. He's not the end saviour of this war either, no matter what you
think."
"Then why didn't you just kill Harry?" Lupin asked, a hint of bitterness in it.
"Well, well, Lupin," said Snape, finally looking at him. "For a Gryffindor, it
seems like you've finally grown a backbone. I can't say I've ever seen you so
bitter. You'll want to watch that. You'll turn into me before you know it."
"I'll never be you," said Lupin.
"You keep telling yourself that," said Snape, "But you don't want to fall down
that black hole. Even now, you trust me too much. You really don't want to do
that. Because once you do, there's no coming back."
"Is that why you've betrayed us?" Lupin demanded. "There can be redemption for
you --"
"Believe me," said Snape, "it's twice as hard to come back beyond that horizon
than it is to fall down it."
"It doesn't mean you can't --"
"You wouldn't say that if you knew for yourself how hard that journey can be,"
said Snape, "but you don't understand at all, do you?"
"It wouldn't stop me from trying."
Snape glared at him deeply. "How's married life?" he taunted. "Are you happy?"
Both men knew that Lupin wasn't. "I see your point," said Lupin. "But doesn't
that just disprove your whole theory? That I don't understand? I shouldn't have
just led her on like that, I should've just told her that --"
"This is far bigger than just a case of your closet-case wife. This is bigger
than just you and me, so why do you continue to care about me? You hate me,
remember?"
"I don't hate you, Severus," said Lupin sadly. "That's the whole problem. I
love --" Lupin froze. The two of them just stared at each other.
"No," said Snape. "You can't. I don't know how you got past my enchantments,
but don't call again. I'm disconnecting this line." And with a deep scowl, he
cut Lupin from the mirror. He picked up his wand immediately and disconnected
it outright. No more late night intruders to entreat upon his office now...
Oh Merlin. Snape put his head in his hands, allowing himself to finally break
down. Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn. No. Lupin can't love me. He can't...
Even if he did, this was bigger than just the two of them. Even if he truly
believed in love, in happy endings, in any of that idealistic garbage, even
then he had to believe those things were closed to him. And there were more
important things. Things like redemption and a clear conscience, things like
breaking through these emotions and finding a way to exist again, things like
trust most of all. All these were more important than love.
 
 
Shit.
Why had he called Snape? Didn't he have enough conflict simply within the Order
itself, let alone in this whole debilitating war? Did he really have to go
there, too?
It was no longer safe to talk to Hermione. Did he think he'd find any semblance
of comfort in Severus, the man who killed Dumbledore from the top of that
tower? He still remembered that night so clearly, Severus passing him in the
war zone, shocking him only when Harry arrived out of the blue, chasing him...
Back then, he'd had no idea. He'd almost have followed Harry, if... but he was
needed right there in the square.
Afterwards, after it had all crashed down on him like a wave washing him to the
shore... after the pain had subsided, it had almost numbed him, made him feel
like nothing mattered. The pain remained in his chest, unreal, and denial
pushed him towards Tonks, let her take full advantage of him...
Flash forward to their wedding, to the moment when he'd finally woken up. The
doubt, the fear to... let all those people down. He couldn't make a scene, not
even to save himself. He'd momentarily sacrificed himself for Tonks'
happiness...
And why he did that, he didn't know. But when he thought of Severus, especially
now, especially when... "That's the whole problem. I love --" Merlin, no, mer--
What was he going to do? He felt just so damn uncomfortable, so frustrated,
so...
Stressed. Distraught. Embarrassed.
Ashamed.
He knew it was true, even though he'd never said it out loud, even to Snape
himself. Merlin. What kind of a mess had he got himself into...
"Tonks, I have to tell you something... last September, when I went to talk to
Harry, I almost ran away with him. You were so happy, but I... couldn't handle
it. I wasn't happy, Tonks. Still not."
"Oh, Remus. Please, whatever it takes. Why can't I be enough for you? We're
married! We're having a child together! You can't just --"
"I know! But you don't really understand..."
"Then how is it, Remus? How many times do I have to tell you that you're good
enough for me?" she demanded.
"That's exactly it. I..." He hesitated, holding his breath, full of doubt.
Could he really tell her? Could he really tell her once and for all that he
didn't love her, that he never did? He remembered seeing how much that had hurt
her before. Could he really take her back to that, and with a child to boot?
"I know how irresponsible I am. I can't take care of a child..."
She came forward with mothering eyes, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.
He wished she'd let go. He didn't know how longer he could withstand her
without melting into her arms, and giving into her care. He really didn't love
her, and he couldn't allow himself to give in to her again. "Remus, is that
it?" she said. "Remus, you'll be a wonderful father. No matter what you are..."
He wasn't so sure. "You'd be a far better mother than I would a father. If ever
something were to happen to either of us..."
"We have Harry as Teddy's godfather, remember, Remus?" said Tonks. "But we
won't need him. You are his father. He's gonna love you."
Remus sighed. "I suppose..."
Tonks smiled. "I promise. You will be."
"Okay," he relented. Even with Tonks, maybe Teddy could make things alright...
 
 
Hermione was addicted to her secrets. Even if she wanted to, even with the
simplest ones, there was no way she could see herself revealing even the
simplest ones to her friends. This thought occurred to her quite suddenly as
she combed her way through Bathilda Bagshot's copy of The Life and Lies of
Albus Dumbledore.
After her fight with Harry about Dumbledore, she had gone inside with it and
had felt the need to crack it open and read some more of it. She was searching
for something, she supposed. Evidence of the man Dumbledore became, evidence of
the love he felt for Harry that Harry just couldn't see right now.
Going to Godric's Hollow was probably a mistake, but most everything they'd
done out here seemed like a mistake. It was hard to know what they really
should do, all she really had to cling to was the fact that each mistake
brought them inches closer each time to their ultimate goal.
She missed Ron. She missed Lupin. She missed her parents. She missed everyone
she had known out there that she'd left behind. Remembering all this, she
finally closed the book with a miserable clap, turned out the light and went to
sleep.
But even making wishes like that, it didn't make her feel any better when Ron
came back. Mostly, she felt furious. How dare he! He didn't deserve her
forgiveness, not now. She held tight to this feeling, no matter how much she
was subdued by what she learned next; about him destroying the Horcrux, about
how he found her.
He didn't deserve her forgiveness, not now, not yet...
It didn't help, either way, that Ron was there. She wanted to forgive Ron,
honestly, she wanted to pretend that all this wasn't as bad as it was, that
this war wasn't seeping into her mind, weighing down her heart, but she
couldn't. It just hurt so much, as though she were still wearing the locket, as
though it was still pressing into her chest. She even was tempted to tell Ron,
when he joined her moping around the campsite, that he didn't have to keep up
the pretence. But then, she did find it comforting. Angry and upset as she was
at Ron, she allowed herself to rely on him in even such a small way, hoping
that this time he'd stick around.
What could she do? It was Ron.
She was grateful to Ron for one more reason, though. Instead of being miserable
all the time, Hermione had become simply passive aggressive. The anger was
easier than the misery, at least. Like Snape, she thought bitterly.
She thought of Snape and all that he'd done, thought about how he always was.
Was it really smart to do that to herself, wrap herself up in anger? She knew
it wasn't, but she couldn't help herself. Did Snape always feel this hopeless
against his own feelings, thinking there could be nothing to do about them?
But, people can change. Even with anger, everyone can choose to ignore those
feelings and change. Even after years, those feelings can change too. She felt
about as uncomfortable and angry towards Ron as she used to feel about Draco,
but he was trying, he really was. She could use his help anyway, so she
accepted it when she tried to convince Harry to go see Xenophilius Lovegood.
In the end, she felt she had Ron back. She had been able to rely on him, and he
wasn't no longer the third wheel as they had another run in with Death Eaters.
Despite the danger, she found herself quite glad of it because of that.
The feeling didn't last long. However, she felt instantly better when she heard
Lupin on the radio; and it was again Ron that gave her that gift, finally
managing to find Potterwatch, which he'd been looking for for ages. 
"Nearly always right," she mouthed to Harry, when she heard everything Lupin
had said to or about Harry on the program. And Ron told them in response that
Lupin had moved back in with Tonks.
Nearly always right... she thought. Oh, she felt so proud of him. There was of
course still curiosity and concern regarding this decision, but she began to
believe that maybe things weren't so bad between him and Tonks, after all...
 
 
Lupin had been separate from Tonks now for several months. They'd had their
struggles even with the Order, especially with everyone ganging up on him
again. If he thought it was bad before he'd married and impregnated her, it was
twice as bad now. But, he was going to be strong this time. He knew how he
truly felt about her. He knew how he truly felt about men -- hell, about Snape.
Even if he didn't have the confidence to tell anyone, even now, he had to at
least stay true to that.
But even if this was a loveless marriage, he still wasn't sure whether he could
really break it up. Of course he couldn't, at least out of guilt. Look at her,
she was so vibrant, and she was getting so big now...
He didn't quite feel so disgusted at living with her anymore, of being with
her. Maybe things could still work out. With Teddy, maybe they could still be
alright... at least until Ted was old enough.
"I'm sorry," he told her, genuinely guilty. "I've been a fool about you."
"Oh, Remus," she said, teary-eyed, "I'm a fool for you too..."
He was going to let that go. It was supposed to be like that, wasn't it? If
their marriage was a sham, and it was... Oh, one day, she'd know the truth...
she'd probably never forgive him... He would be worth it then, but right now,
fatherhood came first. He was actually a little excited, if nervous, about
seeing Teddy.
He was going to be a daddy. That was a gift Tonks would give him that he'd
never have without her, not with his true relationships. If nothing else, that
was something he could appreciate about her.
He held her, her arms squeezing him lovingly tight, and he hugged her back
supportively. Just because she was in love with him, didn't mean he had to
think of her the same way for this marriage to work. He could do this, he
really could.
They hugged for what felt like five minutes, before she broke apart, smacking
her lips on his. He suppressed the urge to shudder and kissed her back.
 
 
Harry was an idiot.
Really. Even after Ron told them both that Voldemort's name was Taboo, Harry
decides to rebel and say it anyway. Did he really think nothing would
happen? Now they were surrounded by werewolves and Snatchers, telling them she
was Penelope Clearwater, a girl she'd met in second year in the library and who
had dated Percy Weasley. Honestly, Hermione could be uptight, but she wasn't
that uptight.
It was only thanks to her quick thinking that Harry would get out of this at
all. It was perfectly reasonable that a person as bloated as that now would be
called Dudley, but listening to Greyback go on about treating Voldemort with
proper respect sickened her. She really wished she could go back into the tent.
Now that she was outside, she was trapped and desperately racking her mind for
how to get out. Even if she could get the gold galleon out of her purse, if
only she could contact Lupin, he might give her more information...
Her purse! Oh god, was it still in there?
She shook next to Harry as they apparated to Malfoy Manor.
And then Draco was there. Merlin, she hadn't seen Draco in half a year... and
here he was, brunted through the crowd, staring at Harry's mangled face,
peering as though trying to see him through the folds of skin. He glimpsed her
out of the corner of his eye, and looked away. She stared in front of herself
again where Greyback was leering down at her.
Her body clenched; she hated the way he looked at her, ugly and perverted.
"I can't -- I can't be sure," said Draco, and her head snapped back to him. He
looked helpless, sad and dull. Was he lying? Did he really not recognise Harry
at all? Was this his way of helping them out?
His face was a pale shadow, his hair looked white under the chandelier, brushed
over his forehead in a neat mess. His expression was drawn. This was far from
the smug son she met in first year; he'd grown up. Had been forced to, really.
A vague smile twisted on her face.
It didn't last long. "What about the Mudblood, then?"
Now she was in the light. She could peer Draco's shadow by the fireplace now,
next to mummy. Her fear took over again, alike with Malfoy.
He was just as vague with her. Was she who he was doing this for?
And then Bellatrix arrived, cruel to even her own. Greyback leaving was little
comfort, because with them went Harry and Ron. Draco remained, still beside his
mother. She focused now solely on him, the only comfort she had left: Draco
Malfoy. A boy who'd bullied her since she started Hogwarts. A boy she had come
in some small way to love, whether or not she wanted to. A boy too afraid to
stand up for her... or even himself.
Bellatrix blocked her sight of his face, leering forward with sadistic joy.
"So, you thought you'd like to steal my property!" she shrieked, and Hermione
felt her ears ring with dread. Whatever was coming, she knew it was bad. She
tried to brace herself.
Bellatrix came closer. "Thought you would like to have it for yourself. My
treasures... at Gringotts. What else have you got hidden in that little purse
of yours?"
She looked around, at anything but her. She saw the little beaded purse with
the rest of it, at the feet of the Snatchers. If she could only get to it.
Bellatrix slapped her. Hard.
Hermione whimpered.
"Isn't that cute? You already feel pain," cooed Bellatrix smugly.
"Please..." said Hermione. She back-stepped --
"Oh no, you don't! Crucio!" cried Bellatrix. Hermione fell to the ground in
shock, her whole body seizing. She felt the electricity singe her very bones.
She cried, tears streaking uncontrollably. She moaned, breathing in and out
hard, even when the pain subsided.
...hermione!...
Was that Ron's voice? Was he calling her, was he screaming her name...?
...hermione! hermione!
He was...
She looked over at Draco. He would never yell for her like that... Not even if
he lost all that fear...
Hermione! Hermione!
Bellatrix was laughing and jeering over her. "Do you hear that?" she cackled.
"Cissy, do you hear that?" she cried in joy. "The blood traitor is calling to
his dirty little mudblood..."
"I hear it, all right..." Narcissa agreed sternly, holding Draco closer.
Did Draco really care about her, as she writhed around on the floor? A flash of
his eyes as the light wavered slightly over his face revealed ghostly eyes,
fear mixed with anger, the only emotion she'd seen from him since she arrived.
Maybe...
...he cared more for her than she gave him credit for. In his own way.
"Crucio!"
Hermione! Hermione!
Quiet fear and deep love. Big love and loud loyalty. There was no questioning
either one of them subtle or obvious in their feelings.
Bellatrix crawled over her, and her body convulsed against the touch. A dagger
came out, to her throat. A muggle weapon...? Of course, muggle weapons have
been known to kill --
It dug into her collarbone, the tip digging into the hollow below her neck.
"Tell me," rasped Bellatrix, "Tell me now!" she raged. "Where did you get my
sword? How did you take it? How did you get into my vault at Gringotts..."
"P-please..." begged Hermione, tearing sliding slowly down, hot and itchy on
her face. She resisted the urge to move her arms to wipe at it. "Don't --
"Where is it?" she screamed.
"We found it - we found it - PLEASE!"
Bellatrix seized her wrist, fingers as though crushing bone, soft flesh
bruised, circulation piling up. "Maybe I should just spill the mud out of your
veins, right here, right now..." she said, "until you tell me..."
"No, no please don't do that... Don't cut --"
"You don't tell me what to do!"
Hermione sobbed, frightened. "Please... please..."
Her wand jabbed into Hermione's throat. "You really want this to end...? It's
simple. Tell the truth."
"No..." said Hermione. "There's nothing... to tell..."
"You are lying, filthy mudblood, and I know it! You have been inside my vault
at Gringotts! Tell the truth, tell the truth!"
"Please! Please!" cried Hermione. "Please, I don't know anything! You've got to
believe me!"
Hermione!
"What else did you take? What else have you got? Tell me the truth, or I swear,
I shall bleed you out with this knife!"
"Wait, wait, don't do that! Wait..."
Bellatrix leaned in close, too close, so close that Hermione could feel her
breath, breathing into her, suffocating her. Hermione breathed deep, trying to
steady herself...
"Wait..." she said.
"Are you going to tell me?" Bellatrix whispered. "Don't question me, mudblood.
I'm capable of far more than you will ever be..."
"I... didn't... didn't take..."
"I know you're lying! I can read you like a book, too..." She cackled again.
"Fancy that, reading you..."
"P-please..." said Hermione. "Please... the sword of Gryffindor... I didn't
steal it..."
"Liar," she hissed. "What else did you take, what else? ANSWER ME! CRUCIO!"
Hermione didn't process where Bellatrix had gone until her body was already on
fire, shooting upwards, taking over her entire being, buzzing with agony,
frying her insides.
Hermione! Hermione!
Her face was now so streaked with tears that she was sore, her cheeks drenched
like she was caught in the rain.
This wasn't working, it wasn't working! If she didn't do something, she was
going to die! "It's just a copy, just a copy..." she cried this time. Maybe if
she had some sort of story, even some sort of ally, she could get out of
this...
Bellatrix sent for the goblin. A goblin... She didn't breathe a second until he
lied for her. She let out a breath of relief at that...
And then the chandelier fell crushing her and Griphook. Everything was turning
against her. She tried to move, but she was caught with all the glass
surrounding, cutting her up like a terrifying dagger.
Then Dobby arrived, and Ron pulled her out from under the chandelier. She was
cut up from so many icicles of glass, and so soon after, they disapparated.
 
 
Hermione finally saw Lupin again at the Cottage, joyfully announcing his baby's
birth, naming Harry his godfather, and proclaiming his joy to everyone
gathered.
She smiled. He was happy, really happy. She was happy for him.
"Sorry, I haven't contacted you on the coins for a while," he told her later,
as an aside. "I still have mine. I just wasn't sure..."
"I understand," she told him. "Congratulations on your son. How's life with
Tonks?"
He lowered his voice. "Awkward at times. It's a necessary part of life with
Teddy. I feel awfully guilty sometimes; it's like Snape all over again. You
know, school days..."
"Right," she said. Hermione didn't know too much about Lupin's school days, but
she knew enough to realise Lupin had never stood up to his friends about Snape,
and he regretted it.
All this was after he'd spoken to Bill, called over in an emergency. She didn't
quite know what was wrong, but after so many months, it was such a morale boost
to see him and talk to him again... She almost felt like crying, especially so
fresh from her ordeal...
After his emergency meeting, he agreed to stay for just a few more minutes, and
Fleur made him tea. Earl grey, no sugars. He and Hermione were sitting down
together in sofa chairs, and he smiled as he sipped at the steaming cup, his
hair still glistening but seemingly unaware of this fact.
Harry came and sat down next to him. "Hey, Remus, I'm sorry what I said
before... you know, at Sirius' old house..."
Lupin put down his cup and smiled warmly at Harry. "Never mind, Harry, that was
months ago. At any rate, I'm sorry too."
"Sorry?"
"For attacking you."
"Oh. Yeah, of course."
It seemed like his arrival was needed for both of them.
[End Chapter]
***** Heroes and Tragedy *****
Chapter Summary
     Draco, Hermione, Lupin and Snape face their final endings
The halls were empty. The students of Hogwarts had seen horrors, at the hands
of the Carrows, the hands of the new Hogwarts regime, even felt it from
Snape. The rumours of Harry Potter and his wild escapades kept them going, of
course -- both for the Houses in hiding and the ones simply around too afraid
to make a move. The Dark Arts that ruled this place was oppressive to many
there, even to a few Slytherins, and there was very little for many children to
believe in here.
Draco had seen first-hand what the Dark Arts could do, and had long since found
it funny or entertaining. He no longer felt the mudbloods deserved it... All
those years between him and Hermione were now only full of regret. He used to
think he was the only one in this damn school to really see any of them
clearly. He'd been a fool.
He broke up with Pansy, was even considering doing the same to Astoria. Girls
were meaningless right now. Pansy, with her horrible screeching voice, never
seemed uglier to him. Astoria, he still wanted to keep her in reserve. If there
was even the slightest chance of getting out of this alive, he could at least
live up to some semblance of the life he'd always dreamed of. Even if it wasn't
him.
Astoria's voice was melodic in his ear by comparison to Pansy. "People are so
desperate, they'll believe anything!" she laughed along with him about Potter.
Only he wasn't laughing.
"The thing about heroes is, that eventually they'll meet a tragic end."
Was it true, or just wishful thinking? At any rate, Astoria seemed to accept it
without question. Although she seemed to be less desperate to agree to appeal
with him constantly, she knew enough to pick her moments. She was, truly, a
Slytherin.
 
 
After learning the truth about Dumbledore from Aberforth, Hermione had to
rethink what she had come to think of him...
Secrets and lies... That's the way she had come to live her life, too. And to
think...
To think all those horrible other lies that Skeeter had made up about him. Some
grains of the truth, but... cover-up lies had followed her around for four
years. It made sense that the same had happened to Dumbledore. Still, it
unsettled her. She held as tight as ever to her own truth behind the lies. She
didn't even bat an eye when Harry did the same when they were faced with
Dumbledore's Army at the end of the tunnel at the Hog's Head.
 
 
Snape had heard the rumours of course, but he knew better than anyone how false
rumours could be. Memories flashed of his school days, then Draco and
Hermione...
It would do good to let these stories bring some comfort to the student
population, but he could hardly quell those stories even if he wanted. Perhaps
when the word was common, it might be all the easier to find Harry later when
he would soon have to search out the boy, and tell him everything...
There will be a time when Lord Voldemort will fear for the life of his snake...
That time was now. Harry Potter was coming to Hogwarts...
He summoned his students to the Great Hall, calling for preparations, to search
the castle, to get the students out of the way, or perhaps even to probe their
minds...
He wouldn't be easy to tame McGonagall. He supposed no one could tame that old
bat. She prevented him from getting even that far, still not quite dressed but
looking fiercely determined and protective. Potter must be close, so close...
But Snape would have seek him out himself. It wasn't a defeat, it was a
concession. A woman like that, beating Severus Snape, Headmaster of this school
and legend in his own right, no. But as the teachers he had spent all year
commanding ganged up on him now, he flew out the window and out of their sight.
It was no longer safe for him inside the castle. He headed for Hogsmeade to
gather the Death Eaters, but before he did so, he placed a measure, the most
effective and undercover measure he could, to search the castle high and low
for Harry Potter. He urgently had to speak to him, to tell him the truth, to
tell him everything.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Lily's doe burst out his wand and galloped gracefully away through
the castle like air in a dream. He wondered briefly to himself about Lupin, if
his feelings towards that man was not truly love as Lily had been, then why had
his doe not yet changed?
He came to the final conclusion that, because of his distrust of Lupin, because
of their rocky and unpleasant past, that Lupin might never claim his heart as
Lily had. Yet watching with satisfaction as the silver shadow slowly vanished
out of his sight, he completed the second half of his journey towards the
Wizarding town of Hogsmeade.
 
 
Hermione briefly saw Snape's shadow in the sky through the window as they
headed down towards the second floor to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Ron got a
little ahead of her as she stopped in her tracks, watching him curiously.
She might almost have missed him, like the shadow of the moon in the night sky,
if it weren't for a glowing shape highlighting him there.
It wasn't a very good angle, he was far back against one of the castle's great
stone walls, coming up on the left, and she only saw it for a few moments. By
the time, Ron realised she'd stopped and come back for her, he was gone.
"What is it? Come on, Hermione, let's go! We haven't got much time!" he urged
her.
But her gaze lingered briefly on the black beyond the wall. Somehow, the silver
doe that had gotten them the Gryffindor sword was choosing to talk to Snape. It
was choosing to trust Snape, whoever was behind it, and she couldn't help but
wonder how it could be, why it would do such a thing when Snape killed
Dumbledore... Whoever the doe was, she might just be naive enough to believe in
people the way that Hermione herself had. But these were dark times, twisting
even the purest souls into hostile minds. It wasn't a time they could afford to
be trusting the wrong man.
Still, she couldn't help hoping... She had known Snape for seven years, four of
those years personally known him. And even in this climate, Snape hadn't
punished Ginny and the others severely for trying to steal the fake sword...
Was there more to him than there appeared?
"Hermione!" cried Ron, and she snapped out of her train of thought.
"Sorry Ron, you're right, lead on," she said, following fast after him, down to
the bathroom, down to the chamber...
 
 
There was no way Draco was going to make the same mistake as Pansy and be
forced out of the school, even if there was a part of him that still cared
about her in a now distant way. He got caught in the middle of the crowd of
Slytherins evacuating the castle, a convenient enough place to whisper to
Crabbe and Goyle and just slip away, the two big oafs following him as he ran
down the halls, before anyone else could object to it.
"Down here!" Malfoy ordered them, as he continued running through the halls.
He turned down several corners before he realised the two of them couldn't seem
to keep up. He was just about to go back for them when he came face to face
with a silver doe. "Malfoy," a cold, dark voice protruded from the deer like a
twisted nightmare.
It sounded almost familiar...
"Snape!" he hissed. "Oh my god, I never knew you were such a --"
"Never mind that," he snapped, "have you managed to find Harry Potter?"
"I only just escaped from the crowd, of course I haven't found him! But when I
do, it's me who's gonna get the glory, me, Snape!"
"You and I have both outlived our glory days, Malfoy."
"What glory days?" spat Malfoy. "You never lost an opportunity to --"
"Who are you talking to?" asked Crabbe, puffing up behind him.
"Never mind, let's go --"
Crabbe and Goyle ran through the patronus after Malfoy, mocking it as they
went.
 
 
 
Remus Lupin apparated in to the Hog's Head, joining the growing crowd of
Dumbledore's Army and Order of the Phoenix members into the tunnel that led to
Hogwarts. Even if he didn't get very many messages from Hermione, there was
still plenty of other people he could keep contact with through the coin he
carried.
It was a call to arms. Tonks was at home -- they both agreed it was best that
she be the one to stay, if each for different reasons. He sincerely wished he
would be able to return to her.
He met everyone in the Room of Requirement, even getting to see Harry before
they all had to be in the Great Hall to report for duty.
He was one of the first to arrive at the grounds of Hogwarts to set up his
protections against the Death Eaters with other members of the Order. Lupin
headed the furthest out, waving his wand with a flourish to protect the school
with all his Defence Against the Dark Arts knowledge, but he hardly got halfway
through before he was forced to stop and jab his wand aggressively in the air.
"Snape!"
All that old hatred from around the same time last year, in the air with the
Seven Potters, came back to him. That desire to pay him in kind what he did to
George, the love lost in his mind when he killed Dumbledore in the tower.
This was it, his chance, the final showdown. No matter what, he had to --
"No!"
It was Kingsley, must have heard Lupin, running forwards to stop him. "We won't
be killing him tonight, Remus!"
"I don't want to kill him, I want to hurt him!"
"Then I suppose not all love is lost there, Lupin? After what I did, you'd be
very well in your rights to want to kill me," Snape's dark voice intoned, as he
strode forwards, but he stopped when both Kingsley and Lupin's wands were
raised against him. Instead, Snape stopped, and his robes billowed as he
crossed his arms, not even attempting yet to go on the attack.
"If our position's were reversed, perhaps I might even feel the same way. But
the truth is, I don't feel that way towards you at all, Lupin. If you must, if
you really feel you must take me down, go ahead. You can tell people you were
the hero, that you fought till the end, that I was the Dark Lord's man, through
and through. They might even give you an Order of Merlin..."
"Just like you always wanted," Lupin bit.
Snape smirked, "Ah yes, there was a time when I did. I wanted recognition, I'll
admit, I even wanted understanding, even if I never admitted it. But I don't
need that now, not that I have something better..."
"And what is that?"
"Three guesses," said Snape.
"Dammit, Snape, this isn't the time for games!" Lupin growled, yelling loud
enough that Snape could hear the wolf behind it.
"No," paused Snape, "I suspect those times are over," he agreed. "But you know,
deep down, what I have now, even if you continue to be the King of Denial..."
"What is he talking about, Remus?" Shacklebolt asked, wand still raised against
Snape as he turned to look at Lupin.
Stupefy! Snape knocked them both aside as he flew through the doors, having
wasted enough time, scouring the castle just as his patronus was doing on the
opposite end of it. There was a lot of it to search...
"Are you alright, Remus?" asked Shacklebolt, beginning to rise from the ground.
"No!" barked Lupin, as he jumped to his feet. "I will not allow him to escape
again, he doesn't deserve to evade me!"
And he raced towards those double doors, raced after Snape, determined to hunt
him down like the wolf rippled below his skin.
"Remus... Remus..." He shook at himself even as he ran, shivered at the
sensation of the wolf so close to his mind. He repeated his own name back to
himself, attempting to call him back to himself, yet still unable to stop
himself enough to stop chasing Snape. His heart was full of hatred, full of
revenge, full of desire...
His body jumped at alert as he found him, Snape, and cried "Expelliarmus!" on
instinct as he held his wand at the ready.
He growled as he saw the black wand fly out of Snape's hand, growled in
frustration at the simple, innocent spell as he pointed his own wand at Snape's
gut, eyes downcast.
"I can do better than that, Snape," said Lupin, "I can even do the Killing
Curse --" No. Lupin regretted those words immediately after he said it. He
raised his wand a little higher on Snape, "Crucio..." he continued, raising it
all the way up, right into Snape's face, "or even..." he said, and rotated his
wrist sharply at Snape, "Imperio!"
His hand for a moment vibrated with that ecstatic feeling of the spell,
possessed with a similar desirous feeling. He had Snape under his control now.
Snape moved slowly closer. Lupin quickened his pace towards him. It was Snape,
though, that was the first to close the gap between their lips.
Lupin pressed hard into Snape's body as his wand arm came under Snape's,
looping it under and up against Snape's neck. He tasted Snape's lips, his
tongue, so sweet, feeling so young, so like his school days that he was
transported there for a gorgeous few moments.
Then he remembered where he was, and broke away. There was chaos all around
them, no one had even seen them. Even so, Lupin backed off Snape, afraid of
being caught at any moment, terrified of anyone knowing... especially with
Snape...
He released the spell, and that self-possessed look returned to Snape's eyes.
"Get out of here," Lupin barked. "Before I'm forced to..."
Snape didn't need to be told twice. In the next moment he was gone, lost in the
crowd.
Lupin felt a crushing of regret, but discarded the feeling. There was still a
fight going on... he had to get back to his position. But if he survived
this... Tonks... God, he didn't know what to do...
 
 
Saved by Harry Potter. Betrayed by one of his most dim-witted followers. How
could Draco Malfoy get any lower than this?
By getting himself killed, that's how.
He looked across at Goyle, sitting there as dazed as he was. He couldn't rely
on so-called friends anymore. Although it hadn't been Goyle who had betrayed
him, how much longer would it take for him to do just that?
He couldn't rely on anyone else now, only himself. He had missed the
evacuation, but maybe there was still something here he could do.
Yet even if there was no way to bring back his family's honour, he could at
least do something to save his family's lives. Even if he couldn't bring Potter
down... there had to be something...
"What now?" said Goyle, looking over his shoulder down at him as he climbed up
away from the sea of fire rising up all around them, turning this place into a
drenched inferno.
"What do you think?" snapped Malfoy, scrambling after him. "You heard Crabbe
back there."
"And then he died."
"Only because of his own stupidity," barked Draco.
"Are we just supposed to die here, then?" said Goyle. "Crabbe was right, but
I'm not gonna die over it."
"You might just die either way, Goyle. Are you with me or not?"
"I'd rather just leave with the other Slytherins."
"Do you even know where they went?" challenged Malfoy, but there was some
concern in his voice too, a small part of himself wanting nothing but to join
him in escaping from Hogwarts. But not without his family, if he could make it.
Goyle made a vacant stare down at that him for several moments, pausing in his
climbing. Just as Malfoy was starting to lose his patience, Goyle said, "No."
"Well, good luck with that," said Draco, making for the top with a short
temper. There were flames all around as he took in the view, and he only
noticed the beads of sweat on his forehead even more as his body heated up.
There was no escape. They might as well be on the only lone island of things
not yet burned up to a crisp.
"We're doomed," said Draco.
Then he spotted Potter flying through the air on what appeared to be a rather
rackety old broom. Potter flew past him on it, and Draco felt his heart sink.
Potter would never rescue him on that thing, no way. They were always enemies.
Who wants to rescue their enemies?
Crabbe had certainly been right about Draco's family. But even with all that
was going on, Draco hadn't wanted to identify him when he had shown up at home.
Maybe Potter had mistaken that choice for compassion, maybe that's why Potter
really saved him, instead of that stupid hero complex he walks around with, as
if he were the Chosen One. As far as Draco was concerned, this was settling the
score.
He didn't think he'd ever clung so tightly to Potter. He was surprised how good
it felt. Even when they crash landed, he found himself missing that contact.
They were enemies, he reminded himself. Enemies.
He knew one thing: whatever idea he came up with to rescue his parents, he
wouldn't just stand around like he did when Aunt Bella tortured Hermione...
Just because he didn't like to stand up for anything, it didn't mean he didn't
believe in anything. He would never be like Hermione, he thought, as she fought
of Death Eaters. This was the first time he regretted that. If he was braver
(stupider) like her, maybe she'd be dating him instead of that Weasley loser.
He may not stand up for anything tonight, but he had something to fight for
like she did. He had his life to fight for.
He staggered up, determined to run from them, determined to find safety, when
an explosion rent the air and he fell back down onto his ass. When he looked
over, he saw stone fragments blocking the hallway in that direction, a place
that so easily could have been him under that rubble, and he saw one of the
Weasleys dead there instead. Not Hermione's sorry excuse for a boyfriend, but
one of the older brothers, one of the twins...
God. He wanted to spew.
It wasn't long before he was abandoning Potter to his fight. "I'm going to go
and find my parents," he told Goyle. He ran away, imagining every corridor he
turned down blasting stone down on him and killing him, and shaking each image
off, determined not to care, just wanting to get out of here, just wanting to
run...
Curses shot over his head. Screaming, he ducked down as he ran, looking for the
nearest corridor to turn down. "Stop it, stop it!" he cried. "Go away!"
"All who oppose the Dark Lord don't deserve to live!"
A Death Eater. He could deal with that, he could convince him of who Draco
really was, of his family, he could trick the Death Eater into thinking he was
still on his side...
The Death Eater fell aside, hexed -- he was saved! Who was it, Hermione, Pansy,
Astoria? Instead of finding his saviour, though, an invisible hand punched him
in the face, and he heard the disembodied face of Ron Weasley shouting back at
him as he raced passed.
Great, even better. Now he'd been saved by a Weasley. And not just any Weasley
-- Hermione's Weasley. Could things get much worse?
Grateful enough in his own way for the rescue, he raced down the stairs, raced
to the bottom of the castle, no longer content with finding his family, and
headed for the outside of the castle, the open spaces, where hopefully he could
escape.
 
 
The Death Eaters remained outside the north entrance, having broken through the
Order's outdoor enchantments and now attempting to break the door down. Lupin
stood at the ready, some Order members shooting from above while Tonks joined
him behind the doors to stop any potential Death Eaters from storming in.
It was a dangerous position. They hadn't learned just how dangerous until now.
There were gaping holes in the wooden doors that Death Eaters were attempting
to squeeze through, and Tonks and Lupin were shooting curses through those
holes.
Dolohov was the first to carve a large enough hole to jump through, dodging
Tonks and Lupin's curses at the same time. "Avada Kedavra --"
Lupin jumped aside toward Tonks, missing the blast of green light by seconds.
"Bastard!" cried Tonks. "Confringo!"
As Dolohov hit the ground, he was saved by more Death Eaters coming in through
the hole in the door, as Tonks was forced to focus her attention on them
instead of Dolohov.
Lupin, though, was fully committed to taking Dolohov out, still furious and
distracted about his earlier confrontation with Snape. Now he unleashed his
full arsenal, hit Dolohov with everything he had, getting just as good as he
gave, as Dolohov was blasted back against the doors.
He barely registered the green flames before they hit him -- and from that
moment, he went perfectly still, realising in that last second that he would
never kiss Snape again...
"REMUS!"
 
 
Harry slipped away, back down the passage, back down towards Hogwarts. And as
Severus lay there, convulsing on the ground of the Shrieking Shack, he couldn't
help but feel that all this was ending where it all began. His affair with
Lupin in 1973, his discovery of Lupin in 1975, his later discovery of Sirius
hiding out here in 1993, and finally now, here, his death in 1998.
It was a long, cruel road leading here.
Voldemort walked slowly, possessively, back into the room. He spared Snape a
smug glare. "Come, Nagini," he said with a subtle gesture with one hand already
fallen at his side. He wasn't looking at his snake as he headed for the exit to
the Shrieking Shack. He had eyes only for Snape as he left.
When he was with the Death Eaters, Snape might almost have mistaken that look
for apology, compassion... But now Snape knew all too well what that look
really meant; it was nothing but a lie to the world, a self-conscious ego that
said more than all his propaganda.
Voldemort disappeared out of the room. Snape forced one raggedy breath after
another out of himself as he braced himself against the poison already wracking
his body. A crueller death than that most Unforgivable of curses... Cruel,
because Snape himself could create so easily an antidote, could heal himself if
only he had he the necessary ingredients...
Yet, besides his wand, he was empty-handed, completely empty-handed...
He truly hadn't anything much left to live for anyway, did he? Not after his
mission, especially not after Potter told everyone about him and Lily... He
certainly had lived through worse, that he could survive that. But, he had no
more desire to escape from this moment of death, had already accepted it was
his fate. He was finally coming home. Back to Lily...
Slowly, he closed his eyes. Waiting to slip away...
Lupin... 
No, he wasn't worth living for. Not after everything. He remained awake, slowly
strangling on blood and poison. Yet all he wanted... was Lupin's hand on him,
bringing him back to life. He could accept living if it were only Lupin to
bring him back to life...
Snape died on that bloody, dusty floor in the Shrieking Shack. Alone.
 
 
"Draco... Draco...!"
Draco didn't give a shit who was firing all around him, who was fighting which
battles. And he couldn't even call back to his mother, he was being to close to
being crushed, hexed or killed. He was an adult now, ready to graduate in just
months... yet he was helpless here, he couldn't fight back at all...
He crouched down, squeezing past anonymous pairs of legs. He didn't even want
to think about who he was passing by. If he came into contact with Aunt
Bella...
"Draco?"
His mother?
No. Hermione.
He looked up at her, his face half-contorted of anger and the other half of
fear.
"What are you doing down there?"
"In case you hadn't noticed," Draco huffed on a whisper, "I'm in danger here!"
A flash of green shot past, missing them by metres. They heard Molly Weasley
scream at Bellatrix and take over their fight, Ginny and Luna now hanging back.
"You Gryffindors, you don't seem to think of anything else but the fight, even
you," he argued. "Not even your own mortality --"
"I know fully well what could happen against them," Hermione hissed. "But some
things are more important..."
"Like getting yourself killed?"
"No --" said Hermione.
Voldemort screamed, the sound echoing through the entire hall. They turned back
to Bellatrix who had just died. Had that Weasley hag really taken her down...?
Draco hadn't seen it, so he didn't believe it... but now Voldemort aimed a
curse straight at her.
"Protego!" a disembodied voice yelled. He knew instantly who it was, and
seconds later, Harry Potter appeared out of thin air.
And then, past all of those obnoxious screams for Harry Potter, Draco and
Hermione began to learn that they weren't the only ones keeping secrets and
lies... Hermione gasped at one as Potter began to reveal everything, but he
almost snickered out loud at it. Snape's patronus was a doe...
"So that's it..." she whispered.
He didn't know what she was talking about. All he could think was that he'd
been such a moron to like Snape for so many years. Snape was in love with Lily
Potter all this time? Not Remus Lupin, not even Hermione Granger? He'd have
never guessed that Snape was so pathetic in his life.
A doe. Honestly.
And then he heard that piece of news that froze him solid, almost even broke
him down to the floor. The Elder Wand had been his... all this time, all
year... And now, because of Harry Potter...
But then Potter struck Voldemort down. Was it actually possible that Potter had
something other than dumb luck on his side?
He stood up, for the first time. With Voldemort gone, the curses were gone, the
Death Eaters fled. It was all over...
He found his parents. And they just sat around in that Great Hall, sat for
hours, none of them knowing what to do with themselves, all amongst the
whooping and hollering of celebrating fighters.
The Chosen One had won. The Malfoys had wasted all that time on Voldemort, and
now they were just gonna have to find their own way in this new world, without
him. Although, it was possible they were screwed either way. At least now it
was over. They still had a chance to move on from all this.
 
 
"Hey, Draco."
Hermione felt a little sorry for Malfoy, sitting almost alone there at one of
the tables. His parents were glaring at her, only half-heartedly.
"Hey, Hermione." He didn't even bother to call her by her last name anymore. He
didn't have the energy to call her anything else; he finally surrendered.
"I'm sorry about... everything," she said.
"Yeah," he said. "Me too."
"I'm glad you're alive, anyway. I was pretty worried about you, what with Remus
and Snape dying..."
He bowed his head, heavy mourning in his expression. "Me too," he said.
"Did you happen to have anything to do with it?" his mother asked. "With Draco
surviving?" She had a softer, more desperate look now. Even Lucius had
lightened up.
"No," she said, "not really. But Harry saved his life. Ron helped, too," she
said.
And then, quite despite anything Hermione ever expected to see on Narcissa
Malfoy's face, she smiled at her. "Let them know thank you," she said.
"I will," said Hermione, returning Narcissa's smile with a warm one of her own.
Then she made a space beside Draco to sit. "I know you never thought much of
me, being a mudblood, but I hope you can change your mind, after all this. I
hope we can start again."
"Yeah. Of course," he said. "Friends. Too bad Snape had to be such a hero, or
he'd be alive too."
"He didn't die from being a hero," said Hermione. "He was killed by Voldemort."
Draco said, "It's all the same."
"No, it is not!" Hermione argued.
Draco grimaced at her. "We're never gonna be friends, are we?"
"Not great ones. But we'll always have Hogwarts, I suppose. And I can stay with
you here, if you want..."
"I'd appreciate that," he said.
Hermione smiled. "Hogwarts will always be here to welcome us home..."
 
 
Hermione didn't see Draco at Snape's funeral. She attended it a week after his
death with Harry. However, Ron thought they were both nuts and refused to come.
Hermione knew that the only reason that Harry was even here was because of
everything he had learned about Snape on his deathbed, and everything he'd done
for Harry in his lifetime. 
Remus Lupin's funeral, on the other hand, was far more populated. The entire
Order of the Phoenix, and what remained of the Weasley family were there.
It was only half an hour after Snape's funeral. They were all held outside, at
the same graveyard. They were being held over the same week, a tribute for all
those fallen in the final battle of Hogwarts. Fred's funeral had been held
early that morning. Tonks' funeral was in another half hour.
It was a very sombre morning; Fred, Snape, Tonks and Lupin all in the same day.
She was full with feeling. She cried twice. Harry rubbed her back. "There,
there, Hermione ," he told her, both times.  "He was so brave," she replied.
It was odd. After five years... and they were both dead. Snape and Lupin.
Lupin, she suspected from the start, ever since she had known he was a
werewolf. Snape was a surprise; she supposed, after all that time, it was hard
to part with someone so familiar. Snape was someone who always challenged her,
who always pushed her to be better, or else just pushed her buttons. Snape
was... someone beholden to the world, an uptight rebel. He followed his heart,
even though everything in his mind was screaming insults at anyone else who
attempted to do the same.
But that's what she wanted. Not the hostility or the insults, but she wanted to
follow her heart, even when her head was screaming it was a bad idea. Even
though she loved Ron, she couldn't help missing Draco too. But she had seen so
little of him since the Battle of Hogwarts, it was almost as if he was dead
too.
And as for Draco, and the Malfoys, she had been looking for him in the papers.
She kept a close eye on the trial that followed, tensely waiting to see if they
let Malfoy walk or not. "Why are you reading that? It's as much as he deserves,
the prat," Ron told her constantly. But she had to know. Even if she didn't
share this connection she had with him -- and she'd have been far less obsessed
with the proceedings if she didn't -- it would still be important. But Malfoy
had been a moving force in all of their lives. He simply had to get through...
"YES!" she cried, her pride bursting forth in an explosive force before she
could stop it.
"What the bloody hell's going on?" cried Ron, running into the room.
"He got off! Malfoy got off!"
"Got off -- what?" cried Ron. "What do you mean, 'got off'?"
"I mean the case! His family was proved innocent!"
"Are you kidding me? That git got off?" cried Ron in outrage.
"He was innocent, Ron! We all knew that. Even if he did do all that stuff..."
she handed over the paper. "Take a look, yourself. See here, they defected in
the end, so they were innocent!"
"But --" said Ron, "Malfoy was a Death Eater! He did all that evil! We had to
fight him and his loser father for years! How can they just overlook that?"
"Doesn't he deserve a second chance? He learned his lesson."
"Don't you mean a third chance? Remember, Malfoy escaped prison once. Now he's
done it again! Bloody Ministry."
"At least it isn't Voldemort's Ministry anymore!"
"Yeah, thanks to us!"
Draco's trial and Ron's prejudice sparked a new dream in Hermione. She liked to
think it was actually Ron who inspired it, but she knew deep down that it was
Draco. She was going to become a lawyer...
Harry, and especially Ron, were never going to become friends with Malfoy. But
as they grew up, as they pursued those careers, Draco and Hermione
still occasionally talked. It started with work -- sometimes she was sent into
St. Mungo's to meet with a client, where he was their healer -- and then, as
they started their own families, their personal lives continued as parents. She
married Ron, he married Astoria Greengrass, and between them, they would
discuss their lives.
There was no need for games anymore, like there had been for Snape and Lupin.
They were no longer enemies; they were the last ones left alive out the four.
Even if they fought a fair amount of the time, and she went complaining to Ron,
they were the best thing they ever could be now: they were friends.
[End Chapter]
***** Kiss and Tell -- Bonus Snupin Chapter *****
Chapter Summary
     The history of Lupin and Snape's relationship, told in full, as it
     has been presented in their later adult lives.
From the beginning, things were difficult. Before Remus became friends with the
Marauders, there was Lily. They weren't proper friends, but she accepted him,
the way she seemed to accept so many others.
Severus Snape was another of those lost boys she brought into her circle. He
wasn't pretty, or distinguished, or even from Gryffindor, but he didn't need to
be. Lily liked him just as he was; in fact, they were best friends. For Remus,
it was very similar.
Before he joined the Marauders, Remus wasn't happy, he was never happy, but he
was content. He was always content, just as things were; had to be. He smiled a
lot, especially at Lily. And as time went on, he began to smile more and more
at Severus, who he only knew at a distance. He knew him mostly from Lily. She
brought them together, initially.
In third year, things changed. James Potter started to take notice of him, and
he offered to be friends. Lily didn't like it; she and Severus were always
saying what an arrogant toerag he was. Remus refused, at first, though it was
hard to turn his back on the popular jock even for such superficial reason on
Potter's side; he was interested in Lily, and Remus was a tool to get closer to
her.
Friends were hard to come by. Even if Potter was a berk, he still fantasised
about becoming friends with him. His fantasies started off averagely, picturing
himself in a friendship so different to the ones he had now; happy flings
followed by bitter rejections. Over time, they grow into a utopia of fun and
acceptance. And all this time, they were there, just begging to be his friend.
Remus couldn't resist any longer. He couldn't possibly bare it; he had to
accept. But even when James and his friend, Sirius Black, were celebrating, he
couldn't help but have doubt... especially when they told him he couldn't hang
out with Severus anymore. He told them he wouldn't, but it was a promise he had
no intention of keeping.
Remus' new friends didn't like Severus, and Severus' housemates started to
force more pressure on Severus against the friends he made in Lily and Remus.
Suddenly, they were rivals.
Lily was too proud to hide her connection to Severus of course, and insisted
that popularity wasn't what she loved about him, trying to make him that
innocent boy again. Remus wasn't so proud, or naive, but he also didn't care
what Severus really was either; although he was also too afraid to admit as
much, and Severus' violence only lead Remus to resent him.
He missed his friend like mad, even when he was close by. Often, he would turn
to look at Severus from James and Sirius -- and later, Peter, when Remus' own
influence would bring him to be accepted into the group too.
"What are you doing, looking at Snivellus for?" asked James, the first time he
was caught, a month after he started doing it.
"Nothing --"
"Probably looking at how ugly he is!" said Sirius.
"Yeah," said Remus. "Yeah, that's exactly what I was doing..."
Later, he'd take a more active role in putting down his old friend to his new
ones, even if his insults were still more passive.
If Severus had ever called for him, he would've been there in a flash. If it
weren't for the Marauders... Remus guessed he was just desperately lonely.
Besides, the two were too alike, in their deepest of hearts, and he loved
Severus. It kept Remus on sure footing.
But in those days, both were easily led astray; Severus by the Death Eaters and
Remus by the influence of his friends. Remus knew he wasn't who his friends
made him, but he so desperately wanted it to be, accepted beyond doubt.
Severus, on the other hand, brought out the real him, which he felt guilty for
abandoning, and missed, even though the Marauders made him feel happy.
He couldn't deny who he was, though, and didn't want to. The pursuit of
happiness led him on this path, but still his eyes drifted. He was stuck
between two worlds; who he was, and who he could be. This resulted in
unresolved issues between him and Severus, and occasional straying back to the
original path, back to Severus.
Remus had grown a newfound spirit of adventure in the last few months too,
which led into one such adventure. Remus, of course, knew the story behind the
rumours, but Severus didn't. So he dared Severus into this, if for no other
reason than to impress him. If there was a reason though, it was to prove a
point; Remus was not as cowardly as he seemed. (He didn’t mind the lie, either,
in those days.)
Though Remus couldn't be seen talking to Severus, he had his own subtle ways of
doing so anyway. In this case, he had been roving the shelves near Severus
while both had been in the library. Severus didn't care for being passed notes
either, so Remus had to revert to the only other tactic available to him here.
Remus stood next to Severus in an aisle of the library. They were alone. Remus
feigned an interest in the books on the shelf, slightly bewildered for a moment
at the titles. He glanced at Severus for a moment.
"I know you think I'm a coward, Severus," Remus said after a moment.
"You are a coward, Lupin," said Severus, not looking up from his book. He had
reformed back to this name over the last few weeks.
Remus snuck a look at Severus. He was reading potions books. He sighed, what
else? "What if I could prove I wasn't?"
"I doubt that you could."
"Perhaps it would require a little bit of courage on your part, too, then."
Severus did look up this time, but only for a moment. Remus continued roving
the shelves. "And what exactly do you mean by that?" demanded Severus testily,
as he dropped his head back down to the book.
"Half, I mean that you don't seem to have the guts to try me. And half, because
I was thinking of proving it to you by going into the Shrieking Shack. Maybe I
should double dare you?"
Remus was gripped by a sudden apprehension, not even sure why he was doing this
now that he was doing it. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea, leading Severus to
his transformation place -- but as long as he didn't go there during one of his
monthly changes, it might be a good way to win Severus back until he was
willing to go further.
He was determined that he would, he just wasn't ready to go that far yet. He
was hoping that having Severus by his side might inspire him to take more
risks.
Not that his sense of adventure wasn't sparking off like crazy already.
"And you think that stunt will impress me?" asked Severus. "That's just some
trick that they would do."
Remus didn't have to ask who Severus meant by that.
"My friends have nothing to do with this --"
"We used to be friends!" Severus hissed now, as his head shot up from the book
and didn't waver, glaring into Remus' shoulder.
Remus looked from side to side to see if anyone was watching.
"See?" said Severus. "You're just a coward."
Remus waited several seconds, not moving from the shelf. "You're just as
scared. You're as afraid as anyone of whatever's in there. More than that, you
don't want to be alone with me." That was a low blow; there had been sexual
tension shoring up for two years now between the two boys.
"I'm not afraid of you. I'm not afraid of anyone," Severus said in a low,
dangerous voice.
"Then prove it. Maybe you might find you're wrong about me. Meet me by the One-
Eyed Witch tonight, eight o'clock. I know a secret way into Hogsmeade from
there. And maybe we'll see who's really scared of what."
And those had been the magic words. Remus really didn't know what he was going
to do with his secret hideaway after tonight, or what he might eventually tell
Severus, but he had committed himself to this now. There was no backing out.
So they met that night by the One-Eyed Witch. Remus was relieved when he saw
Severus round the corner; he almost thought he'd back out. But then there'd
have been no living it down. Maybe it had just been hard getting here unseen.
Remus smiled. He really couldn't help lighting up around Severus.
"Well, I'm here, Lupin. What is this secret entrance?"
Remus turned to the Witch and spoke the password: "Dissendium." The hump opened
up, and Remus started to climb up the statue. He smiled down at Severus as he
reached the hump.
"This way." And he moved quickly into the entrance and down the slide. He
continued a little down the passageway to make room for Severus to land, then
turned and waited for him.
After a long moment, he heard Severus' voice close to the slide.
"Wait a minute --" cried Severus, scrambling after him. "You mean to tell me
that this is your secret entrance?"
"Don't worry, it only takes an hour into Hogsmeade after you slide down here."
"What --?"
Severus fell down the slide, landing in a heap. Remus laughed playfully. Then
after a minute, started down the passage. "Come on, let's go!"
Severus scrambled to his feet.
"How do you know about it when no one else does?"
"I might've heard about it somewhere. Who else would've come this way on their
own?"
"Who indeed?" Severus retorted sardonically.
"There's nothing wrong with this," said Remus. "Don't talk like that."
"You're becoming more like them every day."
Did Severus really believe that? No, Remus decided, he couldn't be. He hadn't
even made that conscious decision over Severus. In fact, he had so far refused
to choose between them. The inner-struggle over who he should be still waged
war inside him as fiercely as ever.
Excitement turned into boredom before long. "How long have we been walking down
here?" Remus complained.
"How should I know? It's your secret tunnel."
Remus tried making conversation. Even though Snape still hated Remus for
ditching him in favour of the Marauders, Remus still had ways to make him talk.
He was an easy target when you knew his sensitive points.
"I'm just teasing!" Remus kept saying.
After a while, Remus stopped. "We're here," he said.
"Here?" repeated Severus. "Where?"
Remus never answered the question; it was answered a moment later, as soon as
Remus lifted the tile above their heads and climbed out. Severus followed
closely. "Where are we?"
"The basement of Honeydukes," Remus answered. "Come on..."
"Wait, what about the owners?" said Severus, following behind.
"Please. They're fast asleep by now."
There was little noise on their way up the stairs. A simple unlocking spell let
them out the front door.
As they wandered through the empty town, Severus slowly looked around at all
the darkened shops. It was strange being here at night, without all the
bustling students from different houses; jockeying Slytherins, bullying
Gryffindors, plotting Ravenclaws and gentle Hufflepuffs. He liked it, apart
from the fact that everything was closed.
But they were here for a reason. They soon approached the fence that separated
them from the Shrieking Shack. Severus got a dark chill of excitement for the
first time now. Despite how much he hated Lupin for leaving, and who his new
friends were, he couldn't resist something so Dark. He gripped his wand in his
robes, hoping he was a match for whatever was inside. His vast knowledge in the
Dark Arts were a comfort.
Remus continued to lead the way. They reached the door. Slowly, Remus pulled it
opened and stepped inside...
When he emerged behind Remus, he was tentative. Like everybody else, he
believed the rumours about the Shrieking Shack.
"Are you coming, Severus?" said Remus, lightly teasing.
Severus glared at Remus for a moment before shuffling in. “Is this arrogant
confidence supposed to impress me?”
“Aren’t you?” asked Remus, pretending to be hurt.
Severus glared again, and then rolled his eyes. “Let’s see how brave you are
when you’ve explored this place more fully.”
“Let’s see how brave you are,” muttered Remus.
Severus ignored him, dragging him into the next room. The room was old and
dusty, the wood creaked and mice could be heard in the walls. Remus thought it
was amazing any living thing would want to live here, and wondered if they
would remain years from now.
They were the main room now. Severus assumed they must entered through a side
door. He turned to face the stairs. "After you," he teased.
Remus smiled and mock-bowed, leading the way once again. Severus followed Remus
up, and into the first room they saw... It had a four-poster bed, masses of
cobwebs and an uneven floor.
Creak.
All of a sudden, Remus was on the bed, jumping up and down on it. "Come on,
Severus, this is fun!"
Severus regarded him from the doorway. "You know, we're teenagers now. Maybe
you should grow up."
Remus jumped down to sit on the edge of the bed. "That's cute, you want me to
grow up. Come on, maybe you should stop complaining and join me?" he winked.
Hesitantly, Severus leaned out from the wall. He headed toward Remus. Finally,
he sat down beside him.
"There. Now was that so bad?"
"No."
"Good," said Remus. "So let's have a little more fun…"
Remus leaned in towards Severus. He rested a hand upon his leg, still covered
by his uniform, leaning in close to Severus' face. He lingered.
At the last moment, Severus turned his face away to the left, and Remus landed
a kiss on his cheek.
"Aw, come on, that's no fun. What are you scared of?"
Severus looked back at him, daringly.
Remus grinned. "That's better." In a flash, Remus kissed him, before he could
turn away again.
Severus grinned into the kiss, deepening it.
The kiss was broken by their smiles. "That's better," said Remus.
He plunged into Severus' mouth this time, rubbing his leg. Pulling off the bed
now, keeping their kiss connected, he swung his legs around Severus' lap,
kissing deeper and deeper. He pulled at Severus' shirt, untucking the white
fabric and shifting his hand under it and up from his stomach to his chest,
rubbing at his nipples. Then he plunged it below, to under the waistband of his
pants.
Severus broke away from the kiss. "There could still be something here."
"Good," smirked Remus. "Let them watch. Hotter that way."
Up and down he roamed, rubbing first nipples, then scrotum, and then balls.
Severus was starting to get hard now.
Remus sunk away from Severus' mouth now, breaking the kiss and dropping down
between Severus' legs. Undoing his trousers, he pushed them down to his ankles,
then his pants. Rubbing his dick first between his hands, he started to suck,
taking it in bit by bit.
He pulled out. "You're so big," he commented. He started again. "You like
that?" he asked, as he licked the tip. Severus only groaned, and parted his
legs a little further.
Remus took him in again, growing bolder this time. Soon, Severus had entered
his throat. Remus swallowed, and Severus groaned. He fucked himself on Severus'
dick, and Severus fisted his hair, becoming more and more savage, until he
came. Remus pulled out slowly, and came back up again.
Longingly, Severus dragged Remus fully onto the bed, lowering him down. "It's
alright…" Severus said, as though to reassure himself, and grinned hungrily. He
lifted Remus' hips up, and positioned himself. Now Severus was fully erect, and
he teased at Remus' hole.
It was so tight. He tried to loosen it up, made it wet. Then he started at
Remus' entrance.
They throbbed together as he inched in. It was so hard, but he made steady
progress. Remus only got more wet the further in Severus got. Then finally, he
hit that spot, and Severus pushed into again and again.
With a cry, Remus came.
Overcome with a million thoughts as Severus lay beside him, he wasn't sure
whether what he'd just done was right or wrong. But one thing he was sure of,
he'd never felt so good. And as he drifted off beside Remus, he tried to banish
all those doubts out of his head. He liked being with Remus, and maybe this
didn't have to turn out so bad after all.
 
"Ha ha, can you believe it?" laughed James at breakfast. "They found Snivellus
wandering through Honeydukes this morning, all messed up! Man, I wish we were
the ones who pulled that over him."
Remus frowned as he listened to his friends, looking down and focusing on
eating his food instead.
"Who was it, anyway?" asked Peter.
"Whoever it is, I wanna send them flowers!" said Sirius. "Or a signed
autograph, from me," added James, the constant Quidditch star.
Remus mumbled something.
"What was that, Moony?" said James.
"It was me."
"Seriously?" cried Sirius excitedly. "Far out! Best joke ever! You really
proved yourself a Marauder now, Moony. I'm gonna top you one day, I swear."
Remus grimaced, returning Sirius' high-five with a frown. No one seemed to
notice. Not that he really felt he deserved it. He didn't set out to prank
Snape, and he wasn't sure he could do it again. Sirius would probably top him
within the week, and then demand Remus to top him.
One thing was for certain; it was hard keeping up friendships. It was worth it,
though. He was sure of it, it had to. The thought of Severus wandering through
Hogwarts doing the walk of shame that was, and then letting his friends believe
it was just some fear prank, churned at Remus' conscience. He loved Severus, he
was sure of it now… and he couldn't even brag about it.
He thought about Severus as he returned to his breakfast, ignoring them again
as they boasted about another Marauder prank. He didn't want to listen. He
hated hearing them mock Severus like that. He sliced through a bit of egg with
his fork and brought it to his mouth. He smashed and flicked it around in his
mouth, making sure to taste every flavour in it before he swallowed.
The last night came back to him. His mouth curled around Severus' member,
licking and sucking, tasting him like a big breakfast. He fantasised about it
as he took bite after bite of his sausage and eggs.
Every press, every lick, every suck inside his mouth, pretending to be back
there... He couldn't wait until the next time.
 
Only there was no next time. After the prank, the dynamic in their entire
circle shifted; now they were trying to make Peter prove himself too, and they
were always challenging Remus to do new and more daring things. He was even
elevated to Marauder status, instead of just the casual friends he and Peter
were to them before.
Sirius didn't top Remus until fifth year, or at least according to him he
didn't. Remus always tried to make him leave it alone, but he would always say
the same thing. "You're not getting it that easy, Moony!"
It wasn't for lack of passion. He regularly tortured Severus on his own for
quite a while. But it wasn't that which finally pushed Severus away.
"Forget it," said Severus. "You really have no shame, do you?"
"Shame? Severus, why would I feel shame for what we did--?"
"Of course. Why would you?" he snapped.
"Severus... what's gotten into you?"
"What's gotten into me?" spat Severus. "Even after... that, you still care more
about them than being with me."
"But I am with you --"
"As long as they don't find out, right?"
Remus gaped. He didn't even know how to answer that. "Of course. Sometimes
relationships are hard."
"And sometimes relationships aren't relationships. You know, I heard you
started dating Sirius Black two weeks after we did it."
"Shh!" hushed Remus urgently. "Not too loud! A lot of people are still pretty
homophobic in this day and age!" he hissed softly.
"What about it, though?" said Severus. "It's true, isn't it?"
"It--It's not really... I mean... where did you hear that from?"
"Straight from the horse's mouth. He has no idea about us, of course. If you're
smart, you'll keep it that way. He seems threatened by me, though."
"He's not telling people, is he?" asked Remus, worried.
"I wouldn't know. Maybe you should ask your boyfriend."
"Severus! Please... I... I really like you..."
"You just like him more. I get it. So if you like him so much, then why don't
you have sex with him? Leave me out of it."
"We're not there yet. And -- I wouldn't want to do it with anybody else."
"Yeah, right. Sure." Hugging his books to his chest, he stood up from their
private table and left the library.
 
Why had he dated Sirius, after all that Severus had said to him? He knew it
wasn't mere peer pressure, although that was a defining factor. One thing he
learned from dating Sirius was that he clung to those who were important to
him. He had allowed love to take a back seat to a crush that Sirius had
jumpstarted to begin with by flirting with him so much and pretending it was
nothing.
Maybe Remus was a sucker for charm. Or maybe he was a sucker for safe choices.
When fifth year came, though, Sirius shattered the illusion by showing his true
colours. Remus wasn't sure if it was that threat he felt he had in Severus or
the competitive need to finally top Remus' prank, but using Remus' own body to
try to kill Severus... hurt more than any full moon night.
When Remus woke up inside the Shrieking Shack, it was with a jolt, for a moment
remembering that sickening adventure with Severus before he realised that James
was there, waiting patiently for him to wake up.
"What's wrong, Moony?"
"Nothing... just confused for a moment..." Then he looked up at James with
bright eyes, suddenly confused for another reason. "Wait, why are you here?" he
asked. "Did something go wrong last night? Did I... kill anyone?"
Did I kill Severus?
"Almost. But don't worry, I took care of that, I saved him from you. But, there
was one thing..."
Remus watched him, getting up to his knees, covering himself as best he could.
"Oh, here --" said James, handing Remus a blanket to cover with. Remus took it
thankfully and covered his privates with it.
"I can tell you back in the common room, once you get dressed. Come on, it'll
be light soon..."
On the way back, though, Remus finally couldn't resist asking. He had to know
it wasn't just a dream. Even if it might be easier not to know, he had to. "Who
did I almost kill?"
"Snivellus," said James, in a voice so sombre, the name sounded strange in his
mouth.
"Are you really going to keep calling him that?" shot Remus, suddenly shocked
and frightened, planting his feet stubbornly into the ground.
James stopped to face him. "What else is there to call him?"
"What about Snape?" suggested Remus angrily, his nerve finally snapping.
"Snape," James repeated, and it sounded odd too, but he felt more of a flutter
at hearing, both out of grief and love, and decided it would do for his
friends. "Okay, but only in present company, only for tonight. In the morning,
he's Snivellus."
"Deal," said Remus.
Slowly then, James got Remus to continue moving. They reached the Fat Lady by
the first morning light, and went inside for Remus to get dressed.
James waited downstairs for him. When Remus descended, he sat him down in the
seats by the fire. Few people were up at this time, and James explained
everything. At the end, Remus was choking on tears. "No..." he said. "No no
no... this can't be. Not..."
"I'm sorry. Honestly, I don't know what he was thinking."
"I do," said Remus bitterly. "For three years, we've been friends, James. Or I
thought we were." Remus looked at him, composing himself. "I... I think I
realise now... who Sirius really is. His heart really is as black as his name.
I mean, I think he... only uses pranks... as an excuse... to abuse Severus, and
people like him."
"Severus?"
"Snape."
James looked at him with a face he'd always dreaded, a face of judgement. Even
though Remus mentally had no time to worry about James judging him, he couldn't
bare to look at it. He looked down, into his lap. "The point is," said Remus,
"the real Sirius... is someone I could never be friends with. He's vindictive
and cruel, just like his name suggests --"
"Don't do that, Remus," said James. "He's not those things, and you know it --"
"Do I?" demanded Remus, looking up in anger. "He doesn't care about me! He
never did. He only put up with me to start with because of you, and then..."
"And then what, Moony? He didn't do what he did to hurt you. I don't think he
knew what he was doing. He didn't think about the consequences --"
"He never thinks about them! When is he just... going to grow up?" Remus said
with real spite.
James looked at him pitifully.
"Even if he didn't do it to hurt me... but he still did it. That's the main
thing," said Remus.
James leaned forward apathetically. "I'm not going to defend what he did," he
said, "but Sirius cares about you."
"How am I supposed to believe that?"
"Remus --"
"No!" he cried. "He -- he tried to -- make me a murderer! How could he ever
think I'd be okay with that? How can he be okay with that? How is any of this
funny?"
Remus ran away, flinging himself from the common room and down the hall.
James ran after him. "Remus, wait!"
Remus spun around. "Why? Why do you even care about me? I'm just some stupid
beast, right?" he cried. He knew this brief happiness he had with his friends
had run out. Hell, at least he had a good run. It almost made it worth it. But
it wasn't; it never could've been. He was a spectacular fool.
"I'll just return to my little corner now. Don't worry, you won't hear from me
again."
"We don't want that!" said James as Sirius caught up. "We like you, Remus, we
don't want you to go away. We like you. Even if you do have a... furry little
problem."
The three friends looked between each other in a moment of slight shock, before
Sirius burst out laughing. "Furry little problem!" cried Sirius. "That's a
classic! You really are a riot, James!"
James and Remus weren't laughing. They stared at Sirius.
When his laughter finally settled down, Sirius turned to Remus. Remus looked
back at him, then at James.
Sirius looked between them. "What? What's going on?" he cried.
"Sirius," said James. "Remus is mad. What the hell were you thinking last
night?"
"What? It was funny!"
Remus teared up, continuing to run down the hall. "Sirius!" cried James as he
chased after Remus. Sirius followed.
"Leave me alone!" cried Remus.
"Remus! No, wait, he didn't mean it --"
"Yes, he did!"
"No -- wait --" cried Sirius, and Remus stopped, turning and stalking up to
Sirius. "I trusted you!" he cried. "I thought I could rely on you! I guess
that's what I get... for trusting anyone."
"What --"
"Remus," said James helplessly. "You know, I'm just as shocked at Sirius as you
are. I didn't know about any of this. I wasn't in on it. I saved Snape's life,
don't I get credit for that? I... I don't think you should completely cut
yourself off to the world. It isn't healthy..."
"What else am I supposed to do?" snapped Remus. "If I can't trust you guys --"
"You can trust me!" James cried.
"Wait a minute..." said Sirius.
Remus snapped to him. "You! You... took advantage of me! Not only tonight
either... our whole relationship... I... can't believe you would... I didn't
even like you that much!"
"If that was true, then why were you with me?" cried Sirius.
"I... I was just looking for acceptance..."
"Yeah, right! If it was just about acceptance, we wouldn't have been as
intimate as we have been! I'd have figured it out eventually! You like me...
admit it, Moony!"
"I... don't!" cried Remus.
"Yeah, right," repeated Sirius.
"I hate you!" he cried. "I fucking hate you! How could you do this to me?"
"Woah, calm down..."
"Don't you dare tell me to calm down! You did this to me! I hate you!"
"Then why are you crying?" said Sirius.
Remus paused for a moment, then broke down into his hands. "I... actually liked
you... you dick," he sobbed. "I... I... I thought it could be okay... I could
be someone better than... just a reject... just a werewolf... I wouldn't have
to... put myself down, let... them... get to me... I could be okay... just
being me... But I'm not me... I... this isn't me... I hate myself, and I feel
like... I have to compromise, just to be liked..."
"You don't have to compromise with us," said James. "We're friends. We like
you, Remus," said James, patting his shoulder.
Remus looked up through his tears at Sirius, who just stared dumbly at him. He
returned his eyes to his hands. "We can't be friends anymore, Sirius. We can't
be together..."
"Oh, come on!" he cried. "You know you like me. Even now you like me! Why are
you denying yourself --"
"Because I have to stop throwing myself around for once. I won't let you reduce
me to this... tool. I'm not gonna sleep around anymore. I just have to... be
alone for a while." He turned to James. "That means the Marauders too. I won't
be of any use to you anyway. I have to..."
"But Remus --" cried James, "--you're our friend! We don't care if you're -- if
you have a furry little problem! We like you for you --"
"Do you?" snapped Remus. "Besides... I can't be around Sirius..."
"You can still be friends with us without being friends or anything more with
Sirius. We'll just tell him to bugger off --"
"Gee, thanks --"
"Hey! You almost made Remus kill Snape --"
"You mean Snivellus, don't you --?"
"You jerk!" cried Remus.
James turned to him, and Remus ignored Sirius as he turned back to James.
"Forget about him. No one's gonna learn your secret. As long as you're still at
Hogwarts, me and Peter are here for you."
Remus gave him a weak smile. "Thanks... I'm glad we can still be friends..." he
said, but then he turned to Sirius with doubt in his eyes. "But I don't know...
if I belong here."
Sirius gave him a crooked grin. "Don't be an idiot. I think we were born to be
together. As long as you stop hanging out with Snivellus, you'll fit right in."
Severus... he wasn't sure that was a sacrifice he was willing to make. Did he
really want to sacrifice his emotions, his principles, just to suit them?
But Sirius was looking straight at him, unflinching, unmoving. He had a look in
his eyes both loving and intimidating, as if they had a love so strong that
they would do anything to be together. It bowled Remus over, and he didn't know
how to resist. But he had to...
As they walked back to the common room, Remus had no idea that he would be
spending a lot more time around Sirius, no matter what James promised him. But
he cared enough about James and Peter... that eventually he was willing to put
up with it. But his life of secrets fully formed from that morning; all of his
arguments remained behind closed doors.
And after that, Severus would never trust him again.
When he left Hogwarts, that tension didn't disappear either. Snape turned
against him, all that anger twisting into evil, breaking Remus' heart. His
loneliness drove him into Sirius' arms, looking for anything just to feel
better. Sirius was a substitute. And he still wasn't free.
He gained his freedom from that shallow in the most tragic way possible; James
and Lily died, along with Peter, and the betrayer of all that was Sirius. Even
at that magnitude, though, it hurt Remus more than he expected it too. Perhaps,
he had grown into something more over the years... Alone.
[End Chapter]
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