Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1173242.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      Multi
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Jean_Kirstein/Original_Male_Character(s), Jean_Kirstein_&_Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Jean_Kirstein, Eren_Yeager, Original_Male_Character(s), Levi_(Shingeki_no
      Kyojin), Mikasa_Ackerman, Hange_Zoë
  Additional Tags:
      Anal_Sex, Non-Consensual_Oral_Sex, Torture, Humiliation, Orgasm_Delay/
      Denial, Anal_Fingering, Angst, Rape_Aftermath, Rape_Recovery, Hurt,
      Friendship, Dark
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-02-07 Updated: 2015-03-04 Chapters: 5/? Words: 12580
****** Scream All You Want ******
by PendulumDeath
Summary
     There are monsters, and then there are humans, but some humans can be
     monsters too.
***** Apocalypse Please *****
Chapter Notes
     The fic is a fill for this prompt over at dreamwidth.
Jean moaned in pain, and the splitting headache he could feel almost made him
want to drift back into unconsciousness. "Wake up, sunshine," he heard someone
say in an unfamiliar voice, but his eyelids felt like lead and he simply lacked
the energy to make them move. "Didn't you hear me?" the man repeated and Jean's
eyes widened in shock when a heavy boot came crashing down on his chest. He
gasped for air, the sudden blow knocking the air out of him, but instead of
retreating the aforementioned boot kept crushing him into the floor beneath.
"Stop it! You're killing him!" Eren shouted in voice that sounded like a mix
between rage and helplessness.
"Zip it, freak!" the man currently holding a knife to his throat ordered.
After a few more agonizingly long moments, the one crushing Jean into the floor
finally removed his foot and gave Eren a sickly sweet smile. "You're right,
it's no good if we kill him before the fun begins."
Jean desperately gulped in some much needed air and he wanted nothing more than
to curl in on himself, but he couldn't do so as long as both of his tied up
wrists were pinned to the floor above his head by someone else that was not the
asshole who thought it was funny to crush his lungs between the bones of his
rib cage. "W-what... what do you w-want?" he asked once he was able to breathe
again, finally noticing that they were somewhere underground which meant that
Eren couldn't turn into a titan.
"We have already informed your monstrous friend over there about what we want,
but unfortunately you were out and I don't feel like repeating myself."
Jean locked eyes with Eren, expecting to find the usual defiant light in those
teal-green orbs, but the terrified look he found instead made a chill run down
his spine. He raised confused light-brown eyes at the man standing next to him
and it was only then that he noticed his captors were part of the Military
Police Brigade. "Does this have something to do with Eren?" he snarled, but
unfortunately that was the only thing he could do as long as he had a pistol
pointed at his head. As things were, their situation looked quite grim.
The three men burst into laughter and Jean could do nothing but stare at Eren
with a confused expression on his face. "Eren...?"
"Jean, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, I can't shift in here, we're
underground, not enough space, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Eren kept
saying, his pleas for forgiveness sounding much like a broken mantra.
"What are you apologizing for?" Jean couldn't help but ask, but his voice ended
up sounding somewhat meek after seeing Eren looking so frightened, especially
when Eren wasn't saying anything else besides apologizing for something that
Jean couldn't even begin to guess what it was.
"Hey Aldric, can I go first?" asked the one who had a tight grip on Jean's
wrists.
"What are you ta―" Jean started, but he was interrupted by the asshole who had
a knife digging into Eren's throat.
"Aldric always goes first, but you already know that Siegbert, so stop asking
stupid questions."
The one named Aldric nodded. "That's right."
"That's not fair!" Siegbert whined. "Why do I always have to get sloppy
seconds?"
"Cause I fucking say so," Aldric announced, his icy tone cutting off all future
protests. "Now that we've settled it, let's have some fun," he then continued,
hungry eyes roaming over Jean's tied up form.
Jean felt the instinctive impulse to just get the fuck away from Aldric, so he
started struggling for all he was worth, which wasn't much with both his wrists
and ankles tied up. However, that didn't last long because Siegbert's boot was
now crushing his wrists and Jean was forced to stop lest he wanted his bones to
break under the unrelenting force. "If you don't want Eren, then what do you
bastards want?" he hissed, hateful eyes switching between the men looking down
on him.
Aldric smirked and handed the pistol to Siegbert. "What we want is to fuck
around with someone from the Scouting Legion, because you bastards are so damn
annoying and you just happened to be the unlucky winner of our hunt."
"Tch! I knew you bastards love to abuse your authority, but this is too much
even for you," said Jean, disgust lacing his voice. He couldn't believe there
was ever a time when he'd wanted to join such a corrupted military sector. "You
guys make me sick, thinking of beating up people from the Scouting Legion just
to make yourselves feel better about your cowardly lives. You dumbasses are
nothing more than useless scumbags who've never even seen a titan up close!"
The one with the knife burst into laughter for a second time that night, and
Jean couldn't understand what was so damn funny.
"Oh, great hero, 'hope of mankind', we will pluck your so called 'Wings of
Freedom' one by one until the only thing left of you will be an empty husk with
no soul inside," Aldric promised, his eyes gleaming with sadism.
If looks could kill then Jean's would've certainly disintegrated the man right
then and there. "A beating doesn't scare me, so do your best," Jean snarled in
a definat tone.
"Aww, isn't he cute Bertrand?" Aldric cooed, making Jean sneer at the remark.
Bertrand, the one with the knife, nodded in agreement.
Aldric chuckled. "They never get it," he sighed and his hand moved to lower the
zipper of his pants.
Jean gasped in shock and his eyes went wide as he watched the man lower the
zipper, the ominous sound bouncing off the dirty walls and echoing through his
mind. "No way..." he said weakly, his brain still trying to process the visual
information as the man pulled out his half-hard member. "No fucking way..."
"Please don't do this!" Eren begged, sounding more than a little pathetic.
"Aww, I'm sorry sweetheart, I know you want some of this too," Aldric mocked as
he stroked his member, "but I don't fuck monsters."
"Please!" Eren repeated.
Aldric laughed. "Ask Bertrand if you're so desperate, maybe he wants a piece of
that ass."
Bertrand snorter. "No thanks, I've never done guys and I'm not about to start
now. This guy is cute though," he snickered as he gently ran a hand through
Eren's hair, "too bad he's a monster, otherwise I might've given it a try."
"What's wrong with this other guy?" Siegbert inquired as he pressed harder on
his prisoner's wrists until Jean screamed in pain.
"His mug, he's got a horse face," the other answered, frowning.
Siegbert burst into laughter. "If you shove his face into the floor that won't
be a problem."
"Still no thanks. I'd rather have some pussy."
"All right, I get it. Next time we'll find us some broad with big tits. How
does that sound?"
Bertrand hummed. "Perfect."
"Get him up," Aldric ordered and then waited patiently for Siegbert to position
Jean on his knees and tie his hands around the torso. "Open wide," he said once
Jean was mere inches away from his member.
Jean wanted to turn the other way but Siegbert's fingers were so tightly
clenched in his hair and around the back of his neck that he couldn't budge an
inch. "No way," he hissed through gritted teeth, his nose wrinkled in disgust.
"Let us go!" Eren screamed and started struggling even though the knife kept
nicking his throat each time he made a move. "You god damn sons of bitches, I'm
going to fucking kill all of you!" he vowed.
Aldric shot him a blank stare. "You're welcome to try."
"I'm go―" Eren kept shouting until Bertrand clamped a hand over his mouth, the
insults and threats coming out as nothing more than muffled sounds. He was so
frustrated at his own helplessness that he couldn't help the tears from
prickling at his eyes. Everything was his fault. He shouldn't have let his
guard down while waiting outside with Jean for Levi to come back just because
he was within the safety of the walls. That had been his first mistake, the
second being his hesitation to turn into a titan when Jean was knocked out
after being hit in the head with a rifle. Everything happened too fast though,
and before Eren could react, one of the bastards, Bertrand to be more specific,
had a knife pressed tightly into the neck of a very unconscious Jean.
He never could've guessed what the three men had in mind, his only thought at
that time being to do as they said so that he wouldn't get Jean killed. He'd
assumed they were after him, that it had something to do with his titan powers,
but as it turned out they wanted nothing to do with him. His biggest mistake
however was when he allowed himself to get dragged into this underground
chamber where he couldn't transform into a titan and crush them for what they
were about to do. One of the bastards was punching Jean, and Eren's attention
snapped back to what was happening right in front of his eyes.
"Open your god damn mouth, bitch!" Aldric commanded, but Jean refused to obey
the order even at gun point. "Ah, I know, how about you open that pretty mouth
of yours or your friend ends up choking on his own blood."
Jean's eyes locked with Eren's now teary ones and he knew right then that there
was no way to get out of the shitty situation they found themselves into
without either getting themselves killed or doing what those bastards ordered
him to do.
"Oh, okay, I understand. You've probably never done this before so you're
worried that you might not perform the way I expect you to," Aldric mused, a
twisted grin almost splitting his face in two. "I'm a patient man," he added
before he then took the pistol from Siegbert's hand. "Suck on this first; you
know, as practice."
Jean's looked at the weapon in disbelief, then at the dick presented to him,
and as much as it shamed him to do it he slightly parted his lips, the bastard
immediately shoving the pistol into his mouth. He nearly gagged at the
disgusting taste of metal but he had to allow it if he wanted Eren to live. The
annoying brat was pretty strong, but he doubted that even he could survive a
slashed throat.
"There we go," Aldric said, slowly pushing and pulling the pistol in and out of
Jean's mouth. "Now lick it," he ordered and then patted him on the head when
Jean complied. "See? It's not that hard," he added before shoving the weapon
down his throat.
Jean gagged at the unexpected intrusion and tears quickly gathered at the
corner of his eyes, and no matter how much he tried to get away from it he
couldn't do so. Siegbert kept pushing his head forward and Aldric the gun
deeper for what felt like an eternity before finally pulling it all the way
out. He breathed in some much needed air and raised hateful eyes at Aldric,
almost tempted to get himself killed instead of being forced to go through such
a humiliation again but being unable to do so because of Eren. He didn't even
like Eren that much, but the stupid brat was humanity's biggest hope and he
would not be the one to doom humanity on account of some lowlifes who were
apparently hellbent on breaking him.
"Now do the same thing you did to the gun but to my dick instead," Aldric
instructed as he grabbed Jean's jaw and raised his head to look into his eyes.
"And no biting, or you both die, slowly and painfully."
Jean reluctantly nodded and parted his lips, the repulsive organ being shoved
into his already bruised mouth a second later. He almost threw up that instant,
the disgusting taste combined with the smell making him sick, but he knew that
if he did such a thing then the asshole would most likely feel insulted and
find a way to make him pay for it. He heard Aldric moan and it made him feel
even worse knowing that the man could enjoy himself on his account while he was
in so much physical and mental pain.
"Don't just stand there like a corpse, suck and lick, like you did earlier,"
Aldric grunted.
Jean cringed at the orders but did as he was told, swirling his tongue around
the head of the man's dick and earning an appreciative sound from above as his
unwanted reward. It was really hard not to choke on the damn thing but he tried
to relax his throat as much as he possible could since the son of a bitch who
was violating him loved to thrust his filthy cock as deep as possible, turning
even the simple act of breathing into an impossible task. He wanted nothing
more than to pull away and breathe but even with Siegbert no longer
immobilizing him he couldn't do it as long as Aldric had a tight grip on the
back of his head. The sudden urge to bite into the repugnant thing was
overwhelming, and just as he was about to do it out of desperation, the man let
go of his head and moved away. Jean gasped, his deprived lungs burning for some
much needed oxygen.
"That's enough. Siegbert, help me get him up," Aldric said and grabbed one of
Jean's arms while Siegbert took the other. Their victim was still weak, so they
easily dragged him across the room and pushed him chest first on the table.
"Now I'm going to fuck you," he nearly purred, "and by the time I'm done
thoroughly screwing your ass you will learn to love my dick more than life
itself."
Jean felt his whole world crumble as the words reached his ears and he started
struggling with renewed force, the instinct to get away overriding any logical
decision he might've taken earlier. A punch to his side was the reward for his
last minute rebellion, and the force of the blow had been so strong that he
couldn't prevent a loud cry from escaping his lips. He wanted nothing more than
to curl in on himself, but then his head was being lifted into the air and
banged so hard against the wooden tabletop that he thought he saw stars dancing
wildly behind his eyelids, and all he could do was whimper as Aldric pulled
down his pants and caressed his ass in an appreciative manner.
"We're going to have so much fun," he heard the man say and his eyes filled
with tears.
"Please..." Jean pathetically begged even though he knew those men would show
no mercy. If only he could fucking die without dragging Eren down with him then
he'd gladly do it. He had joined the Scouting Legion for god's sake, which
meant that he obviously wasn't that scared of dying, or that at least he was
ready to accept such an outcome, but this? This?! What the fuck was this? It
wasn't normal; it was goddamn sick. The ropes bindings his ankles were cut, and
his legs spread out before those bastard like it was some kind of fucked up
show. He hoped that someone would come save him because he couldn't see any way
out of it no matter how hard he tried to find one.
Levi, if only Captain Levi would show up he'd definitely be able to slice the
three perverts to pieces. He wouldn't even care if his Captain saw him pinned
to a table with his legs spread out as long as the man rescued him before it
was too late, before he'd end up as nothing more than a hole for those sick
Military Police bastards to fuck to their hearts' content. Fingers were shoved
in his mouth and he was ordered to suck on them, which was fucking disgusting
in itself considering that hand had been on the man's shaft mere moments
before; then again that same shaft had been in his mouth so it didn't really
matter anymore. He was as dirty as one could get. He sucked on them, because
what else could he do besides obeying their orders? The fingers retreated just
as fast as they appeared and without any warning he felt one of those digits
slip inside him.
His breath caught in his throat and he pushed himself harder into the table,
trying to get away from the invading object. That one digit wasn't too bad,
even though he could feel a slight burn, but when the second one joined the
first he did cry out in pain, the ruthlessness of the action leaving him
gasping for breath. It hurt too damn much and it was not normal, not fucking
normal. Then a third finger was pushed inside and he started struggling again,
but the hand on his nape was heavy and no matter how hard he fought he couldn't
push himself up as long as his arms were tightly bound to his chest. "Please,"
he tried again, but this time he knew that begging for himself would be
useless. "P-please don't le...argh... don't let Eren see t-this," he tried for
the sake of his friend slash rival. That's what he liked to tell himself, but
in reality he was doing it for his own sake because he was so ashamed of what
they were doing to him that he wanted the ground to open and swallow him whole.
"Ow, sorry sweetheart, but your girlfriend gets to watch," Aldric stated as he
pulled out his fingers.
Jean breathed in relief, but his moment of respite was short-lived because the
fingers were replaced by the man's rock-hard shaft and Aldric wasted no time
before he started pushing into him. "PleasepleasepleasedontdothisPLEASESTOP!"
he screeched, the invading organ ripping him apart and his pleas covering
Eren's muffled threats. "STOPSTOPSTOPITHURTS!" he kept crying, the man above
him completely ignoring him as he moaned and pushed himself further inside, the
sloppy preparation proving to be completely useless as Jean could feel the
sensitive skin and muscle tear under the strain. It felt like he had just been
stabbed with a hot knife and he knew with certainty that the liquid seeping
down his inner thighs was his own blood while his body continued to spasm due
to the immense pain of being ripped apart.
As if what had been done to him until then wasn't bad enough, the man wasted no
time once he was fully sheathed inside and started a brutal rhythm of in and
out, each thrust knocking the air out of Jean with its animalistic force. His
cries turned into sobs, and no matter how much he tried to muffle them he
couldn't, his lower lip now a bleeding mass of swollen, bruised flesh. "P-
Plea...se!" he begged again, his throat hoarse from screaming, but his only
answer was a malicious laugh and a slap to his ass cheek, as if his behind
wasn't already hurting bad enough.
"So tight," Aldric moaned into Jean's ear, bony fingers digging hard into a
quivering hip. "You like this? You like my cock inside you?"
Jean only sobbed harder, hitting his head against the table to feel another
kind of pain that wasn't the one currently being inflicted on him by the beast
riding him like some sort of savage.
"I think he doesn't like it, man," Siegbert laughed as he unzipped his pants
and proceeded to stroke his own member in response to the show being presented
to him. He threw Eren a glance and he bit his lip to stifle a moan when he
thought about how nice it would've been to shove that kid face down into the
floor and fuck him like an animal. If only the brat wasn't this weird-ass
experiment he wouldn't be forced to use his own hand to pleasure himself. At
least the kid was crying, and the helplessness in those green eyes was almost
as arousing as looking at his friend fuck that other kid into the wooden table
so hard that the whole thing creaked under the strain. "Hurry up, bro, I need
this now."
Aldric laughed and kept thrusting in and out of the trembling body underneath
him.
"At least move him so that he can blow me too" Siegbert whined.
"Wait, wait, let me try something," Aldric said before he wrapped his fingers
around his victim's soft member.
Jean cried out in shock and jerked backwards, the sudden move driving that cock
deeper inside him. No, no, he didn't want that, he did not want to get hard
from being touched there. "Stop!" he managed to shout between thrusts, but the
animal ripping him apart ignored him and kept stroking his member, the shock of
the pleasure combined with the pain driving Jean insane. How could he feel
pleasure when his ass was being torn apart? How the fuck could he get hard when
someone was brutally fucking him on a wooden table in some dirty basement in
the middle of who the hell knew where?
"See? Didn't I say you'd enjoy this?" Aldric snickered and increased the speed,
feeling the flesh harden under his expert fingers and the ass he was currently
buried into squeezing him that much tighter.
"Stopstopstopstop―" Jean started again but his words were cut off when Aldric
squeezed him harder and a moan ended up slipping past bloody lips. For a second
he was stunned, but then Aldric was moving inside him at a slightly different
angle and another moan ripped out off his throat, the shock of the unexpected
pleasure almost leaving his mind blank.
"Hahaha!" Bertrand started laughing, his own shaft half-hard and straining
against the fabric of his pants. "Damn, I'm almost tempted to give him a try
myself. Those cries and moans are just too deliciously exquisite." He was
tempted to let go of Eren's mouth to take care of his own need, but the last
thing they all needed was this little monster spewing insults when they were
having so much fun hearing their bitch either shriek in pain or moan in
pleasure.
"I'm next!" Siegbert growled.
Bertrand shrugged, not bothering to argue since he wasn't planning to actually
screw their newly acquired bitch. Still, those sounds were really getting to
him and he hoped that he could change places with Aldric after he was done so
that he could take care of his own burning need.
"F-fuck, s-stop, I can't―" Jean started, but his words were cut off by another
moan and he couldn't understand what the hell was going on because he wasn't
supposed to feel any kind of pleasure when his ass was being plundered by some
dirty son of a bitch. He could feel his impending orgasm approaching and he
only struggled harder, something that turned out to be a mistake when he felt
the bastard's shaft stimulating something that made the pleasure increase and
made him see white over and over again. He would've exploded right then and
there, but the man removed his hand at the last second and the action was
followed by a fist brutally colliding with his back.
He gasped for air, and before he could recover the man peeled him off the table
and threw him on the ground, his right shoulder taking the full blunt of the
fall. Another cry ripped from his throat and he curled in on himself, wishing
he could disappear into the floor when he saw Eren look at him with those eyes
that made him want to rip out his own so that he wouldn't have to see that
unwanted pity directed at him. And oh god, he was seeing the blood between his
legs too, the crimson liquid a very high contrast to his pale skin. He
whimpered pitifully when the head of his erection rubbed against the floor by
accident, and when he saw boots stopping next to him he curled in tighter into
a ball of trembling flesh and bones. "No more, stop, no more―"
"Shut the fuck up, bitch. We're gonna fuck you as many times as we want,"
Aldric declared, and both he and Siegbert proceeded to pull him up and force
him on his knees. Aldric shoved back into his abused hole and Siegbert forced
his own erection past swollen lips. Aldric then thrust so hard into him that
Siegbert's entire shaft disappeared into his mouth. He started struggling for
all he was worth, and he was almost thankful when Siegbert grabbed his hair in
an iron grip and pulled back a little until he wasn't choking on dick any
longer. He couldn't take it anymore, his own erection already forgotten as the
brutal pace those two set left him struggling to just breathe and wondering how
much longer he'd have to endure such torment.
***** Raining Blood *****
If there was one thing that Eren wanted almost as much as stopping those
bastards from further humiliating Jean it was to suddenly go deaf and blind so
that he couldn't hear the screams nor see the things being done to his friend.
His vision was blurry from so much crying, and each time he closed his eyes
when it became too much, the asshole behind him pushed the knife into his neck
just a bit harder.
"Keep watching, sweetheart, who knows, you might even learn to enjoy it,"
Bertrand whispered into Eren's ear, a smirk splitting his face in two when the
kid shuddered at his words. "You know," he continued, pressing himself harder
into the little monster, "I'm really considering fucking you right now, even if
you are a monster."
Eren turned even paler, and he was utterly disgusted by the feeling of the
man's shaft poking into his back. The degenerate had forced him earlier to sit
down between his legs on a crate in the corner of the room to make sure he
couldn't escape, one hand poised to slice open his throat if he so much moved
and inch while the other was covering his mouth in order to keep him silent.
Had his legs not been tied up as well he might've had a chance to fight back
somehow.
"Did you hear what I said?" Bertrand asked.
Eren shook his head as much as he could, too broken up by Jean's latest string
of screams to pay attention to the dickhead―both literally and
metaphorically―behind him.
"If you say a word after I let go of your mouth, I'm going to cut out your
tongue. Got it?"
Eren nodded and took a deep breath as soon as the man removed his slimy hand
off his face.
"Hey, Siegbert" Bertrand said, "come switch with me."
"Oh, I'm coming all right," Siegbert moaned and then groaned, burying himself
to the hilt into the hot mouth before him as he shot his load down Jean's
throat. "Oh yeah, fuck, that was good," he said panting, before he pulled Jean
off his cock and covered the kid's mouth so that he couldn't spit out his
release. "Swallow it, bitch," he ordered and laughed at the despair he could
see in Jean's eyes when the kid had no choice but to do as he was told.
"I think I'm close too," Aldric said as he snaked a hand across Jean's chest
and the other around his victim's waist before he pulled him up until he was
crushing him against his own chest, the action earning him another pained cry
from his recently acquired fuck toy.
Jean didn't even have the energy to stand on his own knees anymore, the only
thing keeping him upright being the monster behind him. And oh god, he was so
close to throwing up, the taste of the other man's seed inside his mouth
turning his stomach upside down. His eyes opened when a particularly deep
thrust made him scream and then widened when he saw Siegbert approach him again
instead of going away. Nonononono, he kept repeating inside his head, but the
man was in front of him, a cold hand snaking around his now soft member. "S-
sto-stop!" he screeched, his terrified eyes unable to look away from the hand
moving up and down with a speed that was almost hypnotizing. "STOP!" he managed
to shout between two really painful thrusts when he saw that his member was
starting to harden.
Not again, he whimpered pathetically, notagainnotagainnotagain, but he was
getting closer to climaxing despite the pain, and the shame was that much
bigger knowing that he couldn't even control his body enoughto not get hard
when he was getting fucked in the ass by another guy. He saw Siegbert smirk at
him through tear-filled eyes and it made everything worse because the man was
obviously enjoying his humiliation. The sounds coming out of his mouth kept
alternating between cries of pain and moans of pleasure for a while, until
Aldric pushed him so hard on his dick that he was left gasping for breath, the
feeling of the man's release hitting his torn insides bringing a whole new wave
a nausea.
The hand on his now hard member was relentless though, and just before he could
cry out his release the hand disappeared and his face was bashed in by a heavy
fist. He couldn't do anything besides fall like he was nothing more than a rag
doll when Aldric pushed him off his now softening member, the cold and hard
floor of the basement biting mercilessly into his heated and sweaty skin. He
was still hard and in pain and he couldn't even curl in on himself because
every muscle in his body screamed in agony at the slightest movement. His face
was a mass of pure agony, the blood pouring out of his nose and down his throat
slowly choking him and making it harder to breathe than it already was.
He didn't even have the strength to open his eyes anymore or to pay attention
to what was going on, but he didn't miss Eren's choked sob when someone
viciously grabbed his hair and raised his upper body off the ground. What the
fuck now, he thought, and he forced himself to crack one eye open, only to
whimper at the sight of another hard cock rubbing against his cheek. If that
fucker expected him to lick or suck or whatever else the hell they wanted from
him, then he had another thing coming. He couldn't even move his jaw anymore;
he was done for.
Fuck them all, just let them kill me, not even Eren is worth this shit. So what
if he was selfish? He didn't care anymore, especially when the deviant was
coming on his face like he was some sort of cheap whore, fingers tightening so
hard in his hair that Jean couldn't suppress a scream from leaving his bloodied
mouth, some of the man's seed landing on his tongue. Then his head was released
and he wanted to spit but his body was not listening to him anymore, not when
his jaw was slack and his eyelids refused to open.
"Haha, you did have a go at him after all," said Siegbert who was now standing
behind Eren with a knife against the monster's throat just like Bertrand had
done before.
"Tch, I didn't," Bertrand spat on the ground as he tucked himself back into his
pants. "I jerked off and came on his face, that's all."
Aldric laughed, his predatory eyes falling back on Jean's crumpled form. "You
have no idea how tight he is."
Siegbert smirked. "I'll find out soon enough."
"Enough!" shrieked Eren. "You've had your fun, you... you're done."
Siegbert raised an eyebrow. "I still haven't tried that tight ass, so I'll have
to see for myself."
Eren's whole body shook, but whether it was out of anger or fear he did no
know. "Monsters! All of you are monsters!" he yelled hysterically. "You're
not... not human. You can't be! Monsters wearing human masks! Beasts!"
"Yeah, yeah," said Bertrand in a bored tone just before he backhanded him hard
across the face. "You'd better settle down brat, before I really change my mind
and decide to ride your skinny ass after all."
Eren let his head tip forward now that his will to fight back had been crushed
to smithereens. He'd failed Jean and there was nothing he could ever do to make
it up to him. Useless, useless, I'm so useless...
"Okay, let's switch," Siegbert requested and waited for Bertrand to restrain
the little monster before he got up and sauntered back to Jean. He pulled out a
flickblade from his back pocket and cut the ropes around Jean's wrists and
torso.
Bertrand frowned. "I'm not sure that's a very good idea."
Siegbert snickered. "Don't worry about it, they usually stop fighting back at
this point. Now I just have to... ugh... wait," he said as he rubbed the front
of his pants.
"I thought you didn't want to have a go at sloppy seconds," said Aldric,
chuckling.
Siegbert frowned. "Well, it's not like I can fuck that kid over there," he
sighed as he pointed at Eren, "even though I'd really like to." He walked
towards Eren, grabbed him by the jaw and forced him to look into his eyes.
"Consider yourself lucky. That could've been you," he told him before he turned
Eren's head towards Jean's unmoving form.
Eren whimpered but kept quiet, feeling guiltier than ever for failing to help
Jean. They were right, that could've been him bleeding on the floor if he
wasn't a monster, and that thought alone made him sick. How much worse must've
been for Jean?
Siegbert tightened his hold on Eren's jaw before releasing it and unzipping his
pants in front of him. He burst into laughter when he saw the kid's eyes bulge
out of their sockets, and with one last pat on the head he walked back to Jean.
He had been right, the guy didn't even move an inch since he cut the ropes, and
it was obvious that he was not going to last much longer before slipping into
unconsciousness. "Hey," he said softly as he settled between Jean's legs and
started stroking his own member, "I'm a much nicer guy than Aldric and I'm
going to prove it to you." He wasn't getting any reaction though, so he slapped
the kid a few times until weary light-brown eyes opened and widened in dread
when he figured what was about to happen again. "Shhh... I promise I'll be
gentle," he whispered in Jean's ear as he ran a hand over the bruised
collarbone. "I'm going to let you come this time, I promise," he added, a
sadistic smile gracing his lips.
Jean wanted to scream, to fight back, to claw the guy's eyes out, but all he
could do was lie there broken and bleeding as the man entered him in a
surprisingly gentle manner. And oh god, it hurt so much, especially since this
guy was bigger, but at least he was slick with blood and the other man's seed
and that made things a bit more bearable. Ah, but he knew, the man was just
playing with him, waiting for the right moment to bash his head in or knock the
air out of his already bruised lungs. It was always the same, and those
deceivingly gentle touches were not gentle at all because he could feel the
malice and barely restrained viciousness behind them. He didn't know how much
longer he could last before going crazy, each demeaning word, beating, rape and
occasional surge of pleasure rushing through his body chipping away at his
sanity. If only his body could settle on feeling either pain or pleasure then
he wouldn't ask for anything else.
He wasn't that lucky though, and the man's cold hand wrapping around his member
brought fresh tears to his eyes along with heat coiling in his nether region.
He whimpered pitifully, dreading the knowledge of the denied orgasm which he
was about to face and it took everything in his power just to raise a hand to
try to push away the man thrusting into his helpless body. It was a pointless
attempt though, and his wrist was grabbed and pushed down with almost no effort
at all. Siegbert kept thrusting into him, the shaft that Jean had the
displeasure of tasting making him throw his head back and forget once in a
while about the agonizing pain his body was in. His orgasm caught him by
surprise, his back arching off the floor, his head thrown back and mouth opened
into a wordless cry. It was pleasure mixed with pain, something that he came to
dread more than the titans themselves.
"See, I told you I'm a nice guy," said the man just before Jean felt agonizing
pain spread from his shoulder, the loud bang of a pistol shooting echoing off
the walls. The sound was followed by a scream ripping from Jean's throat, and
he was overcome with panic all over again thinking that he'd get shot again.
"Ungrateful whore," Siegbert spat out the words as he pushed in and out of him
at a merciless pace. "If I give you the privilege of release, at least have the
courtesy of showing your appreciation with one of those slutty moans you've
been teasing me with until now."
Jean felt chunks of his soul being brutally ripped away with each ruthless
thrust, and when the man pushed into him one last time and climaxed with a
grunt, he hoped that he would soon pass out and never wake up again.
He was surprised however when he felt warm liquid splash all over his body,
something heavy falling over his stomach and followed by a startled scream just
before everything went quiet again. He winced when the flesh between his legs
and the body on top of him were suddenly removed, and he couldn't help but
recoil when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He heard Eren shout his name but he
simply did not care anymore. "L-let me... die... al-already." His name was
spoken again, but this time it wasn't Eren, nor those three men who had broken
him beyond any chance of ever being put together the way he used to be.
"Jean, it's me, Levi, I'm here now," his Captain said in a voice laced with
pain.
Jean forced one eye open to see if the one speaking was really their Captain,
and when he saw that face he knew so well, he couldn't help a broken sob from
escaping his bloodied mouth. "Yourlate," he slurred before closing his eyes
again, silent tears running down the sides of his face. He almost couldn't
believe that his nightmare was finally over, but Levi's warm fingers were
gentle and honest, a high contrast to the ones touching him only moments
before. Perhaps he might even survive, and even though he wasn't sure how he'd
be able to go on after going through such a fucked up thing, he was almost glad
that he wouldn't die. He was a coward after all, clinging to life even after
being broken beyond repair. It didn't matter though, because he was too tired,
and the last thing he heard before losing consciousness was his Captain begging
for forgiveness.
"I'm sorry," Levi repeated, his heart heavy with guilt at having let the two
brats alone thinking they'd be okay. Levi had seen many disturbing things, his
life before joining the Survey Corps filled with violence, but he couldn't
remember a time when he had ever felt so angry and out of control. It was a
miracle he happened to hear the gunshot, and while he'd ran towards it in the
hope of finding his missing subordinates, he never expected to be greeted with
the sight of a bloody and beaten Jean being violated by some disgusting animal
from the Military Police Brigade.
The film in his head broke right about that time, and when he came back to his
senses the walls of the underground room were painted red and pieces of what
used to be monsters pretending to be humans were scattered all over the floor.
He thought he saw fear in Eren's eyes for a fraction of a second, but the brat
gathered his wits and proceeded to pull away from Jean what remained of the man
who was drilling into him when Levi pushed open the door. He wanted to punch
Eren in the face for failing to protect his comrade but he knew that it hadn't
been the kid's fault. At least it didn't look like they did anything to the
shitty brat even though his face was as white as a sheet. He covered Jean with
the cape of the Survey Corps and ordered Eren to pick up his broken comrade.
Eren did as he was told and they both bolted out of there. "We're taking him to
Hange," he told Eren who was running closely behind him.
"I'm sorry, Captain," Eren hiccuped while tears were streaming down his face.
"I... I thought they were after me. I didn't want to get Jean killed, so I did
as I was told."
"Less talking, more running," Levi snapped, but then he added in a softer tone:
"Jean will be fine."
But that was only wishful thinking.
***** Sorrow *****
When Levi suddenly stopped, Eren almost bumped into him. "Do you know where
Hange is?" he asked and then continued after Eren nodded, "take my 3D
Maneuvering Gear and go there."
"What about you, Captain?"
"I'll be fine, you go ahead, Eren," Levi told him and proceeded to equip Eren
with his gear. After what he saw in there he knew that Hange wasn't prepared to
take care of such wounds, which meant that he had to go get a doctor. At least
Eren was unharmed, so the brat could carry Jean to Hange while he went to get a
doctor. Mikasa had to be somewhere nearby, because they had both been looking
for Eren and Jean, and if he could find her then he could use her 3D
Maneuvering Gear to get everything done faster. Leaving those corpses in the
basement was not a very good idea, and he had no intention of getting executed
for murdering three members of the Military Brigade. The higher-ups would most
likely not care about the reason, and perhaps even go as far as to use it as an
excuse to get their dirty little claws on Eren. "All done, now go!"
Eren reluctantly agreed and went ahead at full speed. It wasn't easy to carry
an unconscious Jean while flying, but he couldn't transform into a titan in the
middle of the city as long as they weren't under attack even though it was
night and there weren't many people on the streets. His whole body was
trembling and he was still somewhat in shock after what happened. Had Levi not
shown up they might've both be dead. Jean might've wished he was though, and
Eren couldn't really blame him. As men, and as soldiers, they were mentally
prepared to die in battle whenever they fought the titans, but to get treated
in such a demeaning manner by fellow human beings was not something that had
ever crossed their minds. He almost lost balance when he realized that
something similar could've happened to Mikasa back when her parents were killed
and she was kidnapped, but he only held Jean tighter and pushed himself harder
until he got to Hange in record time.
"Help! Jean needs help!" he shouted as he kept banging his foot against the
door.
Hange was there opening it at the speed of light, gasping in shock when she saw
the terrible shape Jean was in. "This way," she told Eren who followed her
inside and laid Jean on the bed. "What happened?!"
"We were at-attacked... a-and then those men..." Eren tried to answer, but his
voice was shaking too much and he couldn't even say the word bothering him so
much. He was a coward on top of being useless.
Hange turned to Eren, her brows furrowed in anger. "Why didn't you take him to
a hospital?! He's got a gunshot wound!" she shouted in anger.
"Captain Levi told me to bring him here," Eren said softly. "He... I don't know
where he went."
Hange cursed but went to look for a few things that would help her remove the
bullet and sew the wound. If Levi had ordered Eren to bring Jean there then
that meant the Captain had a very good reason for doing so. She couldn't
understand what that reason was though, but she was decided to get it out of
Levi no matter what as soon as the man showed up. "Tch! What the hell is that
bastard thinking?" she grumbled.
"Jean... he... was―"
"And what the hell happened to Jean's pants? Did he get shot in the leg too or
what?" she asked and pulled away the cape covering Jean's lower body, only to
freeze when she saw the blood between the pale legs and the bruises on the
thighs and hips. "What is this?" she growled and Eren shrank away when she
turned angry eyes towards him. Eren was as white as a sheet and she almost
regretted snapping at the kid. She was starting to get an idea about what
happened, Eren's tears and his next words as he spoke in a broken voice only
confirming it.
"Those men... they ra-raped him," he finally said, more tears streaming down
his face.
"I see," she said in a stern voice. "I will do everything I can. Do you also
need help?"
Eren shook his head frantically. "They didn't touch me. Only... Jean."
"Wait outside," she added, and Eren did as he was told because he couldn't
stand seeing Jean so broken knowing there was nothing he could do to help him.
He slumped on the nearest chair and tipped his body forward, elbows on his
knees and fingers tightly clenched in his hair. I shouldn't have let them hurt
him. I should've killed them before they did any harm,he kept telling himself
over and over again. Guilt weighed so heavily on his heart that he could barely
stop himself from weeping like a child, Jean's screams and the desperate voice
pleading for mercy echoing throughout his distressed mind. No human being
should go through something like that, and yet their world was a cruel place
where the people who were supposed to protect them were the ones who ended up
breaking Jean in such a terrible manner. How were they supposed to beat the
titans and live in a free world when people hurt and killed their fellow human
beings? It was a sick, twisted and messed up world, and Eren was quickly
starting to lose faith in humanity.
He lost track of time as he waited, and when Mikasa flung open the door he
nearly jumped out of his seat, not expecting her to show up.
Mikasa only spared him a glance before she turned away. "Follow me," she told
the doctor who was with her and led him to the room Jean was in. Now that the
mission Captain Levi had left her with was finished, she rushed back to Eren to
see what was wrong. She'd seen Eren cry before, and it always pained her to see
him suffer, but this time it looked like something had sucked the life out of
him. "Eren, what ha―" was the only thing she managed to say before Eren grabbed
her, pulled her down and held her into a crushing hug. "Eren...?"
"It's just that... I need this," he spoke brokenly, immediately regretting that
he got Jean's blood on her clothes, but he needed Mikasa and he needed to feel
the warmth of a kind human being more than he needed air itself.
"Okay," she said before returning the hug and hoping that Eren would stop
trembling. She had no idea what happened, the Captain not telling her much
besides asking her for her 3D Maneuvering Gear and ordering her to escort a
doctor friend of his to the place where Hange was staying. Then the man was
off, his speed on foot just as impressing as when he was fighting titans. Her
attention went back to Eren and she couldn't help but wonder what had him so
broken up. Instead of calming down it appeared as though he was trembling
harder, and just when she was about to ask him what was wrong, Eren started
sobbing and saying how everything was his fault. "Eren," she spoke softly while
gently running her hand down his back in a soothing manner, "I don't know what
happened but it couldn't have been your fault. Had it been your fault, then
Captain Levi would've most likely beaten you to a bloody pulp before throwing
you behind bars."
"My fault," he said again in-between heart-wrenching sobs.
"Eren," Mikasa continued, "I'll help you fix it, whatever it is that you think
you did wrong."
"Not even you can fix it!" he said and held onto her even tighter as though she
was the only thing keeping him grounded into this horrible reality he was
forced to live in.
Mikasa kept quiet after that and they stayed like that for a long time until
Levi got there and she pulled herself out of Eren's arms.
"Did you bring him here as instructed?" asked Levi.
Mikasa nodded.
"Good, thank you," Levi said before collapsing on the other chair in the room.
"Captain, where were you?" Mikasa asked in the hope of finding out what had
happened.
Levi sighed. "I just killed three people. I had to get rid of the evidence."
"What...?" she asked, eyes going wide in surprise.
"Don't," said Levi as he turned his eyes towards the room where he knew his
subordinate lay broken, "not in the mood to explain right now."
Mikasa didn't insist and instead her attention went back to Eren who was
sitting on the chair in the same manner he did before he had pulled her into a
hug. It truly was irritating that she had no idea what was happening and
because of that she didn't know what to say in order to make him feel better.
With Levi there she couldn't say much to comfort Eren, so she walked to the
wall and leaned against it, her eyes narrowing on the two men. Judging by how
miserable they both looked, something terrible must've happened, but all she
knew was that Jean had been hurt; nothing beyond that.
The door opened and Hange walked out. "Jean is going to pull through."
"Will he be all right?" asked Eren, his tearful eyes looking pleadingly into
Hange's tired brown ones.
She sighed. "Eventually..."
"Good job, Hange," Levi said from his spot on the chair.
Hange only glared at him before her eyes went back to Eren. "Hey," she said
softly as she put a hand on his shoulder, "he's strong, he's going to pull
through."
"What happened?" Mikasa couldn't help but ask.
Hange cringed at the question, the don't-say-a-fucking-word look that Levi was
giving her making her worry for her safety. "Jean got shot in the shoulder,"
she finally said and breathed in relief when Levi seemed to approve of her
explanation, "but we took out the bullet and patched him up," she continued.
"Eren, did you hear that?" asked Mikasa. "He'll be fine, so don't blame
yourself anymore."
Eren didn't answer. He couldn't. Jean would not be fine. No one could ever be
fine after something like that, but he wasn't about to tell Mikasa that.
Instead he raised his head, put a fake smile on his face and nodded. I'm sorry
Mikasa, but I don't have the right to tell you what happened... only Jean has
that right.
***** Haunted *****
Despair as the man kept thrusting into him, his whole body protesting in agony.
"So tight. You like this? You like my cock inside you?"
Please_stop.
Disgust as they tainted his body with their releases, over and over again.
"Oh yeah, fuck, that was good."
"Swallow it bitch."
Stop_it.
Empty, cruel words.
"Shhh... I promise I'll be gentle."
"Ungrateful whore."
Stop―
"Stop it!" Jean screamed as he woke up sometimes around dawn, his whole body
thrumming with unadulterated terror and hopelessness. He wasn't yet fully
awake, but the vivid memories kept slamming into his mind with a viciousness
that left him breathless, and no matter how much he tried to keep them away, he
couldn't stop them from savagely invading his consciousness. His breathing was
chaotic, almost keening in nature as his bloodshot eyes kept darting around the
room, searching for an enemy that didn't seem to be there. He couldn't stop
trembling, drops of cold sweat running down his body, and he wrapped his
uninjured arm tightly around his torso, holding himself together as though he
was afraid that he would break into a million pieces if he made the mistake of
ever letting go.
"Jean, what's wrong?" Hange asked as she burst through the door, his scream
waking her up from her troubled sleep.
For one terrifying second Jean didn't know who it was because he couldn't
recognize the face in the dim light nor the sound of her voice, not when all he
could hear was the horrifying banging his own heart made each time it slammed
itself wildly against his rig cage. He felt terror starting to spread
throughout his veins like wildfire, and he pushed himself up and off the bed in
an attempt to get away, to escape the danger, only to fail miserably when
excruciating pain shot up his spine and caused his injured body to drop to the
floor in a heap, his weak legs unable to support his weight. His heartbeat
increased even more and he started crawling away, the terror so tangible that
he could almost taste it.
"It's me, Hange, calm down," she said as she approached him slowly, careful not
to scare him more than she already did. It broke her heart to see one of
Erwin's subordinates in such a state, and no matter how much she wanted to help
him get up and go back into bed she knew that it was best to stay away until he
came back to his senses. She squatted down a good safe distance away from him
and watched with pained eyes as he pushed himself against the wall. "You're
safe now, I promise."
Jean watched her with wide, terrified eyes for a few moments until he finally
recognized her face and he allowed his tense body to slightly relax. He
breathed in and out a few times, trying to calm down enough to find his voice.
"S-squad... Le-leader..."
"Yes, Jean, it's me, it's Hange. You're safe now, they can no longer hurt you,"
she said in a gentle voice. It wasn't the first time she had to deal with
terrified people, but they usually lost their minds as a result of the fear
they had experienced while facing the titans. The subordinate in front of her
was also scared but for entirely different reasons. The things which turned him
into such a pitiful creature were not titans but fellow humans, and in her
opinion those men were just as bad if not worse.
Jean's eyes filled with tears and he slumped against the wall, wild shivers
wracking his broken body as he wept aloud and struggled with convulsive gasping
each time he tried to take a breath. His thoughts and emotions were a jumbled
mess, and the knowledge that he had escaped with his life brought both relief
and anguish. It felt as though he was drowning in a sea of shame as he cried
like a child in front of Squad Leader Hange, but he lacked the strength to
compose himself when his entire being was falling apart in the most painful of
ways.
Tears prickled at Hange's eyes, and she had to fight off the urge to pull him
into a hug because she knew that he would not appreciate it. She couldn't stand
seeing people nor titans in pain, but there was nothing she could do to help
him so instead she watched him for a few more moments through the blur in her
eyes before trying to talk to him again. "Do you want me to help you get up?
You're going to catch a cold if you stay there," she said and raised a hand to
wipe away the tears that ended up trickling down her cheeks when she saw him
flinch at her words.
Shame heightening, Jean glared. "L-leave," he tried, hoping that she would heed
his request. It was bad enough that Eren and Levi had seen him, but now Hange
too? It was too much; it was simply too much. Just leave me alone please. He
didn't even feel like a man anymore, those bastards ripping away his pride and
crushing it to smithereens while Eren was there to watch it all.
Hange tilted her head. "I can't do that, not until you're back into bed." The
last thing she wanted was for Jean to stay there on the cold floor the entire
night.
Jean's hand was trembling as he grabbed his short hair and pulled at it in
despair, the incessant shivering running up and down his spine making his teeth
clatter loudly. He should've fought harder instead of doing as he was told even
if that meant death. What was the point in living when all he could see when he
closed his eyes were the faces of the men who succeeded in humiliating in such
a demeaning manner? "P-please," he tried again, "I n-need to b-be alone."
Hange gave him a sympathetic look. "I can't, I'm sorry, at least not until
you're back into bed." She understood him so well that it almost hurt, but she
couldn't leave him there on the cold floor when his injured body needed proper
rest to recover.
Jean bit harder into his lower lip in frustration while trying really hard to
ignore the nauseating feeling burning through the pit of his stomach at the
knowledge that she'd have to help him get up because he couldn't do it by
himself. He slowly unclenched the fingers pulling at his hair and nodded,
hoping that she would understand because he didn't have the energy to talk
anymore.
"Okay, just relax. I'll leave you alone as soon as you're back into bed." She
got up from the squatting position she was in and slowly approached him. She
hated to see him tense more and more the closer she got to him, but there
wasn't anything she could do about it. She knelt on one knee in front of him
and offered her hand.
Jean reluctantly took it and allowed her to put an arm around his torso and
slowly lift him up, but he ended up regretting it the instant he was back on
his feet and he felt warm liquid trickling down his legs. Disgust raced through
him, the intense abhorrence welling up inside of him making him cover his mouth
with a clammy hand.
Hange immediately realized that he was going to be sick, so she started
dragging him towards the bathroom adjacent to the room.
It was painful for Jean to force his injured body to move amidst the nausea and
the vertigo, but he didn't want to throw up all over Hange so he did his best
to move his legs as fast as possible, trying really hard not to think about the
wetness between them, or why it was there in the first place. He dropped to his
knees as soon as he reached the toilet, but there was nothing for him to throw
up so instead he kept dry heaving for a while, thankful to Hange for leaving
him alone. He stayed there for a few minutes once he was done, head resting
against the cool tiles of the bathroom until he found the courage to lift the
gown he was wearing and dip a trembling hand between his legs where he felt the
wetness. He raised it and looked at the blood smeared on his fingers, his
already pale skin turning paler. There wasn't that much blood there, but it was
still enough to make him want to scream and cry some more at the unfairness of
it all. Why did it have to be me? Why not Er―
He felt sick all over again at realizing that he had just wished that it
would've been Eren instead of him, the idea that he was such a horrible human
being disturbing him almost as much as what had happened to him. He allowed his
hand to fall limply on the bathroom's floor and he cried silently, hoping that
he would soon pass out so that he would no longer remember why there was blood
between his legs or how he wished that it had been Eren instead of him. He
heard Hange call his name from behind the door and that's when he remembered
that she wouldn't let him stay there no matter how much he demanded to be left
alone. "N-not yet," he said weakly before he grabbed the sink with his still
working arm and tried to pull his boneless body up, now desperate to wash away
the salty and bitter taste in his mouth because that part of his anatomy had
been just as violated as the rest of him.
"Jean?" Hange tried again when she realized that he had been in there for far
too long.
"One m-minute," Jean requested and then proceeded to wash his mouth. Even the
simple thought of eating again made him sick, because how could he ever again
enjoy putting anything in his mouth and swallowing after being forced to taste
their releases? He whimpered pitifully and closed his eyes, not daring to look
in the mirror in fear of what he would see there. He had no idea if he could
ever move on, but he pushed away that thought and focused on the present. He
knew that Hange would soon barge in if he didn't go out, so he used the
opportunity to wipe away the blood before calling her to help him walk back to
the bed. He couldn't help but wonder if Hange or some doctor had been the ones
to patch him, but he sure as hell hoped that it hadn't been the Squad Leader.
Just the knowledge that she was aware of what happened to him was already
mortifying enough.
"Jean," Hange tried again and hoped that he would finally listen to her and go
back to bed so that his body could rest and recover.
"C-come in," he said and then walked back into the room on unsteady legs while
leaning against Hange. By the time he reached the bed he was so exhausted that
he nearly collapsed on it.
"Here, take these," she said as he handed him some painkillers and a glass of
water because that was the only thing she could do to alleviate his suffering.
He took them without saying a word, not even raising his head to look at her.
Hange took the empty glass from his hand, "I'll see you tomorrow," she promised
before she turned around and walked out of the room.
With the last bit of his strength left, Jean curled into a ball and hugged his
knees, consciousness slowly sinking into darkness as exhaustion finally caught
up with him.
***** Cold *****
Chapter Notes
     My excuse for taking this long to update is that Durarara!! has taken
     over my life, but I guess that's not really an excuse, so... I'm
     sorry? ໒( •́ ∧ •̀ )७
The next day wasn't better, nor were the following ones. The painkillers were
helping a bit but it wasn't enough to stop him from groaning and whimpering
every time he tried to move. Backside aside (which had finally stopped bleeding
on the third day) his body still hurt because of the bullet wound and because
of the too many black and purple bruises he was sporting. It wasn't like he
hadn't been hurt in a fight before, but that disgusting pain between his legs
was a constant reminder of what had been done to him and what he'd been forced
to do in order to survive. His body no longer felt like his own, and he
sometimes found himself staring blankly at the wall for hours on end until
Hange would show up, ask how he was feeling and then beg him to eat something.
Jean didn't want to think about food. The mere thought of putting anything in
his mouth made him dizzy with nausea, and even though he knew that sooner or
later he would have to force something down if he wanted to stay alive, he
preferred it to be later rather than sooner. As he debated whether or not he
still wanted to live, there was a knock on the door and Hange walked in with
more painkillers in one hand and a glass of water in the other.
"It didn't look to me like the previous ones were efficient in blocking the
pain," she remarked as she handed him two pills and a glass of fresh water.
"Getting these wasn't easy, but Captain Levi can sometimes be very...
persuasive," she said, chuckling darkly at the memory of an angry Levi
(something she always found to be funny because of the man's height) demanding
he'd be given better painkillers "or else." The man had never voiced what that
meant, but the person in the military hospital knew better than to incur Levi's
wrath when it could easily be avoided by providing the man with what he wanted.
Jean didn't usually say anything when Hange talked to him, but she never held
it against him and Jean was grateful to the Commander for being so patient and
understanding. He took the pills without a word, drank the water and then
turned his attention back to the wall.
"You know, I thought of something," the woman said before she disappeared into
the bathroom. A few moments later she reappeared, holding the toothbrush and
the toothpaste in her hand. "I'm going to place these on the nightstand so that
you won't have to get up so often. I'll be right back."
Jean momentarily turned his head to the two items and he had to fight off the
temptation to brush his teeth again. He didn't want to look too crazy, even
though he was certain that he'd lost a few marbles along with his dignity, but
his fingers were twitching and his jaw hurt with how hard he was clenching his
teeth.
"There you go," Hange chirped as she walked into the room and placed a bottle
of water and a bowl on the nightstand next to the other two items. "You're all
set now. Let me know if you need anything else." She waited for a few moments
to see if Jean would engage in conversation, but it looked like his mind was
sliding down a path leading to the nightmare that was that day and even though
she would've liked to comfort him, she didn't dare try because she feared he
might feel offended. What Jean had been put through was not something anyone
could ever forget, and Hange could only hope that he'd manage to one day move
forward.
Unbeknownst to her, Eren was debating whether or not to try to talk to Jean.
Commander Hange had told him that Jean didn't want to see him, but Eren felt
that he could no longer function if he didn't apologize to Jean for being weak.
Gathering his courage, he went around the house and stopped in front of the
window leading to Jean's room. "H-Hey, Jean, are y-you awake?" he asked in a
trembling voice. He could've peeked inside to see for himself, but he didn't
like the idea of spying on his friend.
Jean's whole body shuddered in terror the moment Eren's voice reached his ears,
and he couldn't stop trembling to save his life. It wasn't that he feared Eren,
but he dreaded the conversation they'd most likely have because he didn't want
Eren's pity and he most certainly didn't want the idiot to apologize again. It
wasn't that he blamed him, but he felt some spite towards Eren for walking out
of there unscathed while Jean himself got broken into so many pieces that he
doubted he could ever put himself back together again.
"Jean..." Eren tried again before he let out a loud sigh and sat below the
window with his back resting against the wall. "What happened in there was my
fault," Eren started in a tone loud enough for Jean to hear him if he was awake
but low enough to not wake him up if he was asleep. "I messed up and you ended
up paying the price for my stupidity. I... I don't know how to make it up to
you. I don't think I can, but that doesn't mean that I'll ever stop trying."
Jean was gripping the blanket so tightly that his knuckles had turned white. He
couldn't fully hate Eren, but at the same time Eren's simple presence reminded
him of that day and Jean didn't want to be reminded of what happened inside
that basement because it hurt too much, both physically and mentally. Eren had
seen him looking weak, pathetic and disgusting, and the shame Jean felt knowing
the Eren was outside nearly made him want to shrivel up and disappear. Eren was
an idiot, but even he should've been able to understand that Jean would never
again want to see him.
"L-Leave!" Jean found himself stuttering the word without even meaning to. His
hand immediately flew to his mouth and he pressed on it so tightly that his
nails were puncturing the skin and yet he wasn't even aware of it. He felt
stupid for speaking because Eren now knew that he wasn't asleep and the idiot
would never leave him alone. Jean felt the need to run far away from there, but
he couldn't move very well, not when he was feeling rather dizzy from lack of
food and―
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Eren's voice was cracking, but he couldn't keep his
composure when Jean was there, awake, in pain and hurting because Eren had been
stupid enough to make the wrong decisions when faced with monsters wearing
masks of humans. "I wanted to save everyone but I couldn't even save you..."
It took Jean a while to make out Eren's word (the idiot's voice had barely been
above a whisper) because of how loud his ears were ringing and how viciously
his heart was slamming itself into his rib cage, threatening to burst through
bones, tissue and skin and leave him bleeding to death in that room and on that
bed he could no longer stand because it reminded him how weak he was if he
would end up in a such a situation where he couldn't even take care of himself.
Jean found Eren's pathetic apology and the self-pitying to be disgusting.
"Don't you dare say that again," he hissed through clenched teeth. "I didn't go
through hell just to hear your whining, you bastard!"
A shudder passed through Eren's body, leaving him feeling so cold that his
hands were shaking with fine tremors. Jean's words had cut deeply into him, and
even though there was no blood pouring out of his body and staining his
clothes, he could almost feel it against his skin. "I didn't mean to... I know
why you did it," Eren said, sounding exhausted. "I know. You chose the Survey
Corps over the Military Police and you put your faith in me and yet I've
disappointed you." Eren's voice broke towards end as the guild weighing on his
shoulders nearly crushed him into the ground, and he raised his hands and
tangled quivering fingers in his hair, pulling at it in despair over what had
happened.
Despite the painful memories tearing his minds to shreds, Jean felt some sort
of relief in knowing that Eren understood why he'd done what he'd done. It
wasn't out of cowardice, even though at some point he wanted so badly for
everything to be over that he wouldn't have minded death, but because Jean
wanted humanity to survive and Eren was humanity's best hope in the fight
against the titans. Jean himself was no one important. Humanity's survival
didn't depend on his existence, and even though it made him feel small and
unimportant, he understood and accepted the fact that he lacked the strength to
make big changes happen.
"You did the best you could," Jean uttered the words even though a part of him
still hated Eren. "Now leave, and don't come here again," he then added in a
tired voice.
"I can't do that," Eren hissed through clenched teeth. "I want you to get
better and come back to us. Mikasa is worried about you. She wants to visit,
and so do the rest of our friends."
A pathetic whine slipped past Jean's lips at the mention of Mikasa's name.
Mikasa was the girl he liked, and even though he knew that she loved Eren, he
still couldn't forget her. He never really thought he'd have a chance with her,
but now he was certain without a shadow of a doubt that he could never have
Mikasa's love. He was disgusting and damaged and a beautiful girl like Mikasa
deserved better. Jean found sex to be repulsive, and he felt sick just by
thinking about it. Sex meant agonizing pain and disgusting pleasure he didn't
want to feel. He was utterly disgusted with himself for getting it up and then
coming while being raped.  
"I don't want to see anyone!" he shouted before he clamped a hand over his
mouth as a fresh wave of nausea swept over him, and he didn't even get a chance
to reach for the bowl before he was throwing up, his stomach expelling the
little water he had before mixed with the dissolved pills that Captain Levi had
gone through so much trouble to get for him.
Eren was on his feet the moment he realized what was going on, and even though
he wanted nothing more than to go in, he fought with everything he had to stand
still. It was most likely his fault that Jean was feeling sick, and Eren didn't
want to make it worse by staying there after he'd been asked to leave. "I'll be
back tomorrow," he promised before he turned on his heels and ran away from
there as the overwhelming need to put some distance between himself and the
friend he had failed to protect constricted his lungs and made it very hard for
him to breathe.
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