Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1153149.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      The_Hobbit_-_All_Media_Types
  Relationship:
      Fíli/Kíli, Dwalin/Ori, Bilbo/Thorin, Kíli/OMC, Kili/elven_guard, Thorin/
      OMC, Frerin/OMC, Thrain/Dwalin
  Character:
      Fíli, Kíli, Thorin, Dwalin, Ori_-_Character, Bilbo_-_Character, Gandalf,
      Balin, Dori, Nori, Dís, Frerin, Thráin, Óin, Thranduil
  Additional Tags:
      Instances_of_sexual_abuse_against_a_child, Intercrural_Sex, PTSD,
      Repressed_Memories, Mental_Abuse, Durincest, Sibling_Incest, implied
      father/son_incest, Anal_Sex, Mental_Instability, Accidental_Voyeurism,
      Oral_Sex, Protective_Older_Brothers, dubcon, Fever_Dreams, spider
      poisoning, Guilty_Thorin, non_consensual_drug_use
  Series:
      Part 2 of A_Night_in_His_Arms
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-01-26 Chapters: 2/2 Words: 25080
****** Safe in His Arms ******
by Anath_Tsurugi
Summary
     On the night of his coming of age, Kili was abducted and assaulted by
     a figure from his past. Twelve years later, he and Fili join their
     uncle in the quest to reclaim Erebor. What nightmares still haunt the
     young prince? And what secret shame does the king in exile conceal?
Notes
     Hello, this Anath Tsurugi reporting to you live from the other side
     of a fever of a hundred. So I suppose we can chalk how messed up this
     is to the fact that I was quite ill while writing it. For those of
     you who read 'A Night in His Arms', this is an expansion of that
     world. It's not a fully linked narrative, as it serves as both a
     prequel and a sequel, and while you don't need to have read the first
     story to understand this one, it will certainly enhance your
     enjoyment of it.
***** Part One *****
Slowly he bends Kili's legs up, exposing his entrance. Then he very gently,
very slowly pushes a finger inside.
"Therin…Therin…please…please don't do this. I can't…I'm not…not ready.
Please…please stop," he begs.
"Shh, shh, Kili…I know it hurts now, but it will get better. You'll feel good.
I would never hurt you, Kili. I love you. I love you. "
He continues to weep and beg as Therin stretches him, preparing him to take him
in. Nothing sways him, though. Therin just continues to smile at
him…adoring…loving… insane …and when he seems to think Kili sufficiently open,
he bends over him and presses a kiss to his entrance.
"Soon. Soon we will be one, Kili," he whispers, kissing him several times.
"Stop…stop…please just stop. Please. No…no…"
Mahal…Mahal…Fili…please…anyone…save me!
But no matter how much he prays, no matter how much he screams or cries…it
seems that no one is coming. No one will save him.
Kili awoke from the nightmare with a harrowing scream. Bolting upright in his
bedroll, he began to tear at his skin, struggling to banish the feeling of
Therin's fingers from his body.
Almost immediately, Fili was awake and at his side, hands on his shoulders.
"Kili! Kili, wake up!"
"NO!" he screamed in terror, trying to shove him away, not really seeing him.
"Don't touch me! Please…please stop! Don't do this! NO!"
"Kili, it's me! It's Fili! It's your brother," he soothed, taking Kili's face
in his hands and pressing their foreheads together. "He can't hurt you anymore,
Kili. I'm here now. I'm here. I'll protect you," he said, breathing a sigh of
relief as Kili's struggles finally began to subside and he collapsed into his
brother's gentle embrace.
"Fili…" he whispered, his voice still harsh with fear as he clung to Fili.
"It was only a nightmare," Fili soothed, running gentle fingers through Kili's
hair as he cradled him close. "He's gone now. Therin can't hurt you anymore.
You're safe. You're safe, Kili."
"Fili…Fili, he…he touched me. He was going to…he wanted me to…oh, Mahal!" he
sobbed brokenly, clinging to his lover all the tighter.
"It's all right. Everything's all right now. I'm here to protect you," he
continued to soothe, gently easing them both back down onto their bedrolls. As
Kili continued to tremble and weep quietly, Fili began to hum a lullaby for
him, rocking him and humming for him until he at last began to calm. Fili could
feel the eyes of the other members of the company on them, but he didn't care.
All he cared about was getting his brother calm and resting peacefully once
more.
When Kili finally dropped back to sleep, Fili pressed a tender kiss to his
forehead before disentangling himself from his brother. No doubt Thorin would
want a word. Moving quietly, he tucked Kili in beneath both his blanket and his
own. Dropping one more kiss on his forehead, he quickly moved off into the
darkness.
Sure enough, Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, and Gandalf were all waiting for him a few
paces from the camp.
"Another fit?" Thorin asked him, his tone solemn. Fili nodded.
"Yes."
"They're getting worse," Balin noted.
"They are."
"Bofur and Bifur have gone to scout the perimeter. Fili…this cannot go on,"
Thorin said, resting a hand heavily on his nephew's shoulder.
"What would you have me do, Uncle?"
"If he cries out at night again, we may not be so lucky. Nothing's happened
tonight, but if it keeps up, he may well bring an orc pack down on us the next
time."
"What do you want of me? Would you have me take him back to Ered Luin? You
cannot rob him of this chance, Thorin. Kili has felt weak in your eyes ever
since it happened. He needs this. He needs to be able to prove himself to you.
You cannot take it away from him."
"Fili…maybe you need to consider what's best for your brother. Who's he going
to prove himself to if he's dead?" Thorin asked, taking Fili by both shoulders.
Fili felt himself beginning to tremble, despair weighing heavily in his heart.
"I don't…know why this is happening now. It's never been this bad before."
It had been twelve years, almost to the day, since Kili's sixty-fifth
birthday…since he had been kidnapped, drugged, and nearly raped by an insane
old dwarf.
Most of the time, Kili seemed to be doing fine. He would talk to Fili or Oin
whenever he felt overwhelmed by it. He hadn't been injured during the assault.
The scars from the attack were invisible ones, and on occasion…once every few
years or so, he would wake screaming from a night terror, as if the time had
never passed and he was still sixty-five. Only now, in the past few months
alone, there had been five separate incidents, including this most recent one.
It was getting harder and harder to calm him when he woke in a fit.
"I know this isn't easy," Thorin said softly. ""It shattered something in all
of us…what happened…but you either need to find a way to keep him calm, or the
two of you need to return to Ered Luin before we make the Misty Mountains."
Fili looked hurt, but he finally nodded before heading back to his brother. He
knew Thorin was right, after all.
"Can you really afford to be culling members from a company so small?" Gandalf
asked the three dwarves as he puffed peaceably on his pipe. The three glanced
between each other, none of them quite certain what to say.
"It's jus' no' fair…takin' this chance away from them," Dwalin muttered, not
quite directing it at Thorin, but there was really no one else he could be
speaking to.
"What happened wasn't fair," Thorin said, his gaze weighted down by grief and
guilt. Balin eyed him for several moments before speaking.
"You've still not told the lads the truth, then?"
"How can I?" Thorin spat bitterly at the elder dwarf. "Telling them the truth
won't make anything better. It will not change what happened."
"No, it won't…but it might help them heal…even if only a little."
Gandalf raised his eyebrows in interest, slipping into the conversation without
really seeming to. "And just what is this truth that needs telling, my good
fellows?"
"You know…what happened, of course," Thorin started hesitantly, his voice stiff
with misery. "Kili was…defiled…on the night of his coming of age. He and Fili
believe…the dwarf responsible was merely a no account vagrant…an exiled guard
who'd somehow developed a sick obsession with Kili."
"It isn't true?" the old wizard prompted when Thorin failed to continue.
"No," Thorin answered, not looking at him. "The truth is…we know exactly why
Therin became obsessed with Kili…and it was in our power to stop all of this
before it began."
"So…who was this dwarf?"
"Therin was…beloved of my younger brother…who died at Azanulbizar."
"Frerin?"
"Yes. They grew up together…and their love was only just beginning to flower
when Frerin was struck down. After losing him…Therin lost his mind. I didn't
realize just how badly until we discovered what he was doing to Kili."
"Doing? You mean…what happened twelve years ago?" Gandalf pressed, finding his
choice of words somewhat strange.
"No. It began when…when Kili was a child. Only he knows for certain how long it
went on…and he has forced himself to forget most of it…but when he was still
very young, we discovered him naked in Therin's bed…covered in…in his…"
"He'd raped him?" the wizard pressed, eyes dark with anger.
"Not…not in the eyes of the law. He was not…known; he came away from Therin's
bed a virgin…but Therin freely confessed to…doing things to him…with him. Kili
has always borne a rather…striking resemblance to his uncle and…Therin claimed
that his beloved lived again…that Frerin had come back to him…come back from
death. He said that Kili was his…and that when the time came, he would claim
him."
"And so he did."
"Yes. I don't know how much of that Therin remembered…by the time he stole Kili
away from us. The dwarf we found in their chamber that night had completely
lost touch. His entire reality had become focused on Kili. Either way, what
happened that night…that's my fault," Thorin said, face contorted with pain.
"Thorin," Balin tried to step in.
"It is. You know it is. When we found little Kili…like that…I should have
killed Therin…but I spared his life…in memory of the dwarf my brother loved. I
only banished him…under pain of death, should he ever return…a sentence that
Fili unknowingly carried out. Kili suffers now…because of my weakness…and I
cannot allow him to be led to his death because of it."
"And ye don't think it might help the boy to know this…to at least understand
why?" Balin challenged.
Thorin sighed heavily, his eyes slightly red. "The truth is I'm a coward…and I
can't bear to face them. I can't bear the thought of the hurt in their
eyes…when they learn that I could have stopped it all from happening…years
ago."
"Well, I'm forced to agree with you on that one, Thrain's son. Knowing the full
truth of what happened to him would surely heal Kili most of all," Gandalf
said, puffing out the last bit of weed in the pipe. "Unfortunately, it's not
for me to instruct you on how to deal with your own family affairs. It may ease
the fits, though…to be able to confront the reality of what he went through.
Perhaps something still haunts him…something he cannot understand…because he
doesn't know the truth. Your nephew has a right to heal, Thorin Oakenshield.
Think on that," he said before heading off into the darkness to who knew where.
"So what are ye goin' to do?" Dwalin asked after a lengthy silence. "Ye know
the old fox is right."
"Maybe…maybe so," Thorin said, gaze drifting off to where Fili lay with his
brother, cradling his sleeping form in loving arms. Perhaps…if the fits
continued to get worse and he was left with no other choice…perhaps then he
would break his long silence.
                                      XxX
Thorin and Frerin had been warned many times that the delegation from the Iron
Hills would be arriving today. They had been warned to stay away from the
throne room, but at ten and five, they were of course very curious, so they had
snuck away from their caretaker in order to watch events unfold from one of the
many alcoves that overlooked the throne room.
The leader of the delegation was a dwarf called Farin, striking and grand in
fabrics of silver and blue, dark hair falling in many braids down his back and
chest. He was to be the ambassador of Gror, lord of the Iron Hills, taking up a
more permanent position in their grandfather's court, and he was accompanied by
many other dwarves, all arrayed in their finest, but it was none of them the
two young princes paid attention to. No. It was the small dwarfling at Farin's
feet…his son, surely.
The boy couldn't have been any older than Frerin. He stood nervously at Farin's
side, clearly struggling not to fidget or toy with the black hair that hung to
his shoulders. When one of the dwarves took his hand to lead him from the
throne room with the rest of the entourage, Thorin and Frerin also began to
sneak away from their little hiding place, chattering excitedly on the way
down.
"Somebody new to play with!" Frerin whispered in glee, struggling to contain
himself as they hurried down from the upper level.
"I hope this one can take a hit better than you can," Thorin teased, giving his
little brother an affectionate shove as they ran.
"Maybe you hit too hard, Nadad," Frerin ribbed, shoving him right back. The
game of shoving continued all the way down the passage…until Thorin really did
shove too hard and wound up sending Frerin's small body tumbling into the next
passageway…right into their grandfather, father, and the delegation.
"Boys!" Thrain started in mild outrage. "What is the meaning of this?"
Thorin went white as a sheet, struggling for some sort of excuse, but
everyone's attention was soon drawn by the two little boys on the floor.
Frerin's fall had been broken by the dwarfling and the two were currently
struggling in a bit of a tangle.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Frerin apologized over and over again, nearly in tears.
"I didn' mean to knock you down. Thorin pushed me," he accused, finally
managing to disentangle himself from the other dwarfling.
"It's okay," the other insisted, face red with embarrassment. "I wasn'…wasn'
lookin'."
Frerin's face also went a little red when he finally locked eyes with the other
dwarfling. Neither even made a move to stand as they looked at each other.
"My…my name's Frerin," the young prince quickly introduced himself. The other
dwarfling blushed a little harder, looking away from the young prince. He only
stole a brief glance back when he muttered his name.
"I'm…Therin," he squeaked. Frerin smiled at him, awkwardness vanishing as
quickly as a spring shower.
"Well…welcome to Erebor, Therin. Wanna be friends?"
Therin's eyes widened at this, apparently unused to such directness. Faintly,
he nodded, but then, suddenly looking afraid, he glanced up at his father, as
if to ask for permission. Farin smiled, though, seemingly pleased with the
idea. Smile bursting into full bloom, Therin looked back to Frerin and nodded
enthusiastically. Frerin then grabbed him by the hand, laughing as he dragged
him away down the passage, leaving the others in the dust. Thorin was left to
take the displeasure from their father, but for some reason, he didn't mind so
much. He didn't quite understand why, but it made him happy…to see his baby
brother so excited.
                                       X
Thorin felt troubled as he walked away from the treasure chamber, shadows of
things he couldn't quite name flitting about in the recesses of his mind. Thror
was doing it again…taking time out of his day to just stare at the vast horde
of gold and jewels. He could understand his grandfather's love of beauty. Yes,
he could certainly understand that, but it was somehow different from any other
dwarf he'd ever seen. Thror's love was grasping…pressing…desperate… needing. It
seemed to Thorin…almost like a sickness.
His father always told him that he was too young…that he would understand when
he was older…and at twenty-four, perhaps he was too young. Except…except that
it seemed to him…that if Thror's behavior was somehow considered
understandable…he wasn't sure he did wantto understand…ever.
Thorin's dark thoughts were soon driven away, though…driven far afield by the
sounds of quiet laughter and joy. Curious, Thorin tracked the source of the
noise, finding Frerin and Therin off in some out of the way store chamber. He
was about to walk in and join in on whatever it was they were up to, maybe
chase away more of the darkness still clinging to his thoughts…but then he
realized exactly what it was he was overhearing. Before quickly ducking back
out of the doorway, he caught a glimpse of Frerin pinning his friend to the
wall, their fingers tangling in each other's loose hair as their lips pressed
heatedly together.
"Frerin…Frerin, please," he heard Therin gasp quietly at the same time he heard
a rather distinct sucking noise come from the small chamber. What was his
brother doing? "Please don't…what if someone sees?"
"Then let them see. I don't care. I've waited too long for this," his brother
hissed. This was followed by what sounded like more kissing. Therin's half-
hearted protests soon devolved into quiet moaning.
"Oh…oh, Mahal…Frerin, you can't…your…your hand…don't…don't touch me there. Oh,
Mahal," he whimpered, his tone suggesting that he very much did want Frerin to
touch him there…and that was what made Thorin decide that he really didn't want
to hear anymore of this. Feeling just a little bit strange over having caught
his baby brother in such a position, he also couldn't help smiling as he walked
away, happy for the two of them.
He had known that his brother had been mooning over the ambassador's son for
quite some time now, and even though Dwalin kept insisting the boy was clearly
'achin' for a tussle between Frerin's sheets,' Thorin had never been quite as
certain. He knew he should have said something…interrupted. Really, they were
much too young to even be thinking about more than chaste kisses, but if they
wanted to explore, why not let them? Dwalin had already visited quite a few
beds himself. The only thing that even slightly bothered Thorin was that his
brother might lose his virginity before he did. But what did that truly matter?
In the eyes of the law, he was to be a virgin until his sixty-fifth birthday,
and he hadn't yet met anyone worth breaking that rule for. Frerin and Therin,
though…they had clicked from the moment they'd clapped eyes on each other. At
first, they'd just been best friends, but that was now clearly heading toward
something more.
"Well, Nadadith…I only hope you're sensible about it," he said quietly,
deciding that he would have a chat with his brother later. For the moment,
though, his time would probably be best spent checking up on Dis and making
certain the ten-year-old wasn't terrorizing the kitchens.
                                       X
The world was much changed the next time Thorin happened upon Frerin and
Therin. They had all felt the rage of dragon fire and known the sting of hunger
and humiliation. The house of Durin had set aside the trappings of royalty and
taken up the gear of the wanderers.
Farin could have easily split off with the band making for the Iron
Hills…returned to his home and had things easy again…but seeing how deeply his
young son loved the youngest prince, he had elected to remain with Thror's
band. Almost certainly once the pair had undergone their awakening ceremonies,
there would be talk of a marriage. The talks may well even begin before that.
It was rare, but had still been known to happen. As part of dowry negotiations,
it was even possible that Farin would be granted Frerin's virginity and Thrain
would lay claim to Therin's. Thorin had allowed himself to go on believing that
his brother might still be a virgin, but he knew he never could after tonight.
The fighting with the orcs of the Misty Mountains had reached a very bad state.
Thror's private war with Azog had only gotten worse in the ensuing years and it
seemed that his kin were well and truly determined to drive the old darkness
from the halls of their earliest father. With the fighting as bad as it was, he
certainly couldn't blame the two young dwarves for wanting to find some comfort
and release in each other's arms. That didn't mean, however, that he wanted to
actually see it happening…and that was exactly what he got when he was looking
for a place to relieve himself outside the war camp.
Frerin had his lover pinned against a tree. Both of them had shed their armor
and weapons and Frerin had even stripped down to only his trousers. He was on
his knees before Therin, and the other dwarf had his fingers buried in Frerin's
hair as he groaned in pleasure. He couldn't quite see in the dim light, but
Frerin's head seemed to be moving in a very distinct way. For several moments,
Thorin was left dumbstruck, utterly shocked by the sight.
"Oh…Frerin…Frerin…I…I'm going to…oh…oh… Frerin! " he cried out, body jerking
before slumping briefly against the tree. Frerin was on his feet almost
immediately, laying kiss after kiss to his lips.
"Was it good?" Frerin asked as he held him, voice laced with excitement.
"Mm…good…so good. Frerin…Frerin, I love you."
"And I love you…my sweet azyungal," Frerin said before drawing him into a very
deep kiss. When they took a moment to breathe, Thorin just barely heard him
whisper, "Can I make love to you now?"
"As you will…my prince."
Finally managing to tear himself away, Thorin hurried back to the camp,
completely forgetting what he'd gone out to do. It occurred to him he should
have scolded them; it was dangerous out there, after all, but he really just
didn't want to interrupt. If they wanted to get themselves killed for a quick
lay, that was fine with him.
Sometimes he really wasn't sure why their fathers wouldn't just let them marry
and be done with it.
                                       X
Indeed, Therin and Frerin were never to be married. There would be no
celebration, no exchanging of vows, no song for the two of them on their
wedding day. But Thorin didn't know any of this in the moment of their
victory…in that proud moment when the dwarves rallied to him and they drove the
orcs back. He grieved for his grandfather's death, certainly, but he couldn't
help thinking that maybe he might finally find some peace in death. It was the
first moment he had truly felt like a ruler…like he really could be the king of
Durin's folk…and in his moment of triumph, he had looked around, trying to find
the face of his dear little brother in the crowd of cheering dwarves.
But there was nothing. Frerin was nowhere to be seen and where his joyful voice
should have sounded with the rest of their kin, there was only silence…and in
only a few shattering moments, he understood why. He would never hear his
brother's voice again.
" THORIN! "
Therin's horrified voice sounded over all of the others, and immediately, the
young prince began to run toward the sound. All other sounds faded away around
him and his world narrowed to that one direction the distraught voice had
sounded from. He knew he was running…the furious burn of his breath in his
lungs told him so…but at the same time, he seemed to be moving so very slowly.
Frerin was lying on the ground, head cradled in Therin's lap as blood welled
from a wound in his chest. His fingers were tangled weakly in his lover's hair
and his breath shook with each unsteady repetition, but the look in his eyes
was resolved.
"Help him. Thorin, help him. Do something! " Therin begged him as he crashed to
his knees beside them…but there was nothing he could do. He tried. Mahal knows
he tried. He held his hands over the gushing wound, but it was no use. He could
do nothing to stem the flow of blood. He and Therin both tried, but it was
useless. They were losing him. Frerin was dying in their arms.
"I'm…sorry," Frerin said, eyes briefly focusing on his brother, smiling, even
as the blood welled up in his mouth. "Please…take care of him."
"Always," Thorin vowed, tears spilling down his face as he took Frerin's hand
in his, holding it close to his chest. What little attention the younger prince
had left to give was then focused on Therin.
"I…love you. I love you so…my Therin."
"Please…no," Therin pleaded with him. "Please don't die. Don't leave me here. I
can't…without you…I am nothing. Frerin…my love… please! "
"I don't know where I'm going…but I'll wait for you…and the ancestors will sing
at our wedding…when we're finally together again."
"Frerin…please…I love you," he cried.
"And I love you," he returned, tears pouring down his face as his grip
slackened in Thorin's and his hand fell from Therin's face. "I love you. I love
you. I love you," he repeated on a whisper, his breath breaking with each new
word…until it did not resume. The gentle words of love fell silent and the
light left Frerin's eyes, leaving them empty and gazing blankly at the desolate
sky.
"No!" Therin cried out, great heaving sobs racking his body as he cradled his
beloved in his arms, as if the strength of his embrace could bring him back.
Thorin simply closed Frerin's eyes, clutching his lifeless hand near to his
heart as he wept silently. He had lost his dear brother, it was true, and he
would bear the scar of that grief much worse than any of his other losses…but
Therin had lost the other half of his soul. Many dwarves were known not to even
survive such an event. He could only pray that he would even be able to honor
Frerin's final wish…and care for his shattered lover.
                                      XxX
As always happened after one of Kili's fits, no one said anything about it the
next morning, and Fili and Kili tended to pretend nothing had happened. They
simply ate their meager breakfast, packed up their gear and continued on their
way. Dwalin wasn't even sure Fili had told Kili about Thorin's mandate. Surely
it would be easier to soothe the lad if he didn't realize he was being
observed. Of course he would always stick up for the boys, given his place in
their lives…but challenging Thorin's authority was a little trickier.
"It really is awful, isn't it…what happened to them," Ori's small voice
suddenly broke in on his thoughts. Dwalin looked up to see the younger dwarf
had ridden his pony up next to his.
"It is. It…destroyed somethin' in both of 'em," he said quietly, remembering
that night…remembering how horrible it had been to see Kili's vibrant spirit
broken. Briefly, though, the image shifted and he could see Ori in Kili's
place. Even though the day was warm, he shivered slightly, shaking off the
hideous image. He was glad little Ori had never undergone anything so horrific.
"Not that I envy them, mind…to have had nobles swarming around, bidding to be
allowed to be the first to sleep with them…for their virginity to be a
commodity so highly valued. I don't envy their position, but…I do wonder what
it would be like…to have people want you so badly."
"Ah, come on now, lad. Surely there must've been others…before me," Dwalin
suggested, even though he didn't much care for the idea. He and the youngest Ri
brother were currently in the beginning stages of exploring a physical
relationship, and he was already fiercely protective of the young dwarf.
"Oh, no. Not…not at all. You're the first dwarf I've ever…ever…" Ori couldn't
quite bring himself to finish, he was blushing so badly. At first, his
implication went right over Dwalin's head. Surely he couldn't mean he would be
his first…as in…first ever. And yet…all they'd done so far was kissing…and a
little touching.
"Ye mean you're…still unawakened?" Dwalin finally asked. Ori blushed even
harder when their gazes locked.
"Don't…don't say it like that. I'm no noble's get. I don't have any right to an
awakening ceremony."
"Maybe not by law…but ye do certainly have a right to a first time," he said,
reaching a hand across the space between them and resting it on Ori's knee. It
set a different kind of fire ablaze in his belly…the idea that he may well be
Ori's first. He wasn't sure why. He had, after all, been granted the right to
many a stripling's maidenhead. But somehow, he felt that with Ori, it would be
different. It wasn't as though he was some sort of cavalier with a bedpost full
of notches. He treated each of his partners with respect and dignity. He'd
cared for each of them…but he had never felt quite as strongly for any of them
as he did for Ori. If he reached out his hand to take the little dwarf with the
quill and knitting needles, he felt almost certain his days of awakening young
dwarves would be at an end. It wouldn't be just sex with him. It would be
love…and for some reason, that both excited and terrified him…and it wasn't
often he would admit to fear. Ori's shy smile seemed to make the uncertainty
worth it, though. The warrior could feel it slowly melting away when Ori placed
a hand on top of his. The rest of the world just slipped away as they smiled at
each other.
The rest of the world, however, was not oblivious to them. Had they been paying
attention, they certainly would have noticed the death glare they were
receiving from Dori.
                                      XxX
Like many before him, Dwalin was no virgin on the night of his coming of age.
He was well versed in all the aspects of lovemaking. The only thing he imagined
would be difficult about the Ceremony of Awakening was playing the part of the
blushing virgin. The noble who had won him would be anticipating someone
inexperienced, after all. He would confess himself more than a little
surprised, though, when his best friend's father entered his room.
"H-Highness," he murmured, inclining his head as he sat up in bed. He had never
really gotten used to calling Thrain that after Azanulbizar. It was a title
that belonged to Thror. Thrain was just…Thorin's father…and he had seemed even
less like a leader after the events of that last battle. The new king had
disappeared briefly after his youngest son's death, and when he'd returned to
them afterward, he hadn't seemed all there…and never had since. He was king in
name, but more often than not, the task of actually leading seemed to fall to
Thorin, even though he wasn't properly of age yet.
"Let's not be wasting time with formalities, lad," the king in exile said,
smiling oddly as he came to sit beside him. "Thought I might make this a little
less awkward for you, given I'm a bit more familiar with your history than some
of the others who vied for you. Besides, you've certainly got quite the
reputation among those willing to listen. I am most anxious to learn," he said,
giving the young dwarf a knowing smile.
"Well…most of my skill lies in givin'…not receivin'…and I don't suppose the
night's meant to go like that," he said, already feeling much more awkward than
he'd expected to feel tonight.
"No…it isn't," Thrain said slowly, reaching forward and slipping the white
tunic from his body. Then he pulled him into a very deep kiss.
Thrain was much gentler than he'd expected. He made no move, though, to give
truth to the rumors the older dwarf had referred to. He gave himself completely
to the king, suppressing his desire to not be passive. He allowed Thrain to
have his way, and when they lay together afterward, he even allowed the king to
hold him.
"You know…I think you'll do well, Fundin's son," Thrain said quietly, fingers
toying with Dwalin's hair.
"What…what do ye mean?" he asked, looking up at the king.
"You have some strength in you, little one…and even though you'd prefer to use
it, you know when to hold it back. I needed to know you would be willing to
submit yourself."
"And…why would ye need to know that?" he pressed, still confused.
"It's not fair…the weight I've put on Thorin's shoulders. He's much too young
for it…and I fear it's only going to get worse. I've no doubt you will defend
my son's rule with your life…but I also needed to know that you had it in you
to submit to him…that you wouldn't be just a loose catapult. Strength is
important for a warrior, certainly, but even more important is good
judgment…the ability to know when to use your strength…and when to hold it
back. You are untried, Dwalin, but I believe you have that wisdom. I think I
will feel much safer…leaving my son in your care."
Thrain vanished not long after that. There was no sign at all of what had
happened to him, only whispers and rumors of sightings. Even after he was gone,
though, Dwalin never forgot the words he'd spoken that night.
                                      XxX
It was a relatively peaceful night, all things being even. They had survived
encounters with trolls, wargs, and even orcs. Currently, they were surviving a
stay with the elves of Rivendell, so yes, peaceful enough, all things
considered. Kili was doing well, hadn't had a fit for several weeks, so
Thorin's tension was easing slightly. However, for all the tension he wasn't
displaying, another member of the company was displaying double the normal
amount of tension, even for him.
It all came to a head one night when they were gathered around a makeshift fire
they probably shouldn't have built in the quarters the elves had given them.
Ori and Dwalin were sitting together, laughing with the others, making a
general ruckus, occasionally trading kisses, with Dwalin once or twice slipping
his hand between Ori's legs…when the great warrior suddenly felt something grab
hold of his ear and begin to drag him away.
"Dori! What are you doing?!" he heard Ori protesting. When he looked back, he
saw Nori move in to restrain him.
"I think it's time for a little talk," he heard his lover's oldest brother
growling as he was pulled away from the company.
"What, exactly, do we need to be talkin' about?" the warrior asked when Dori
finally released his ear. He didn't fear for his life, even though any sane
dwarf certainly might have at the look of blazing anger in Dori's eyes.
"Just what do you think you're playing at?"
"You'll…have to explain a bit more'n that," Dwalin said, crossing his arms in
front of his chest, staring the other dwarf down.
"Ori isn't one of your pretty court babes. He's not some noble's child whose
virginity is up for sale. There's no stature to be earned here…so why are you
sniffing about?" Dori needled.
"Sniffin'…just what are ye sayin' I am?" he asked, a current of anger beginning
to boil beneath the surface.
"Come now, Master Dwalin. It's well known you've got the two princes under your
belt and many more besides. Why do you need to have my baby brother, as well?"
"If that's what ye think of me, ye don't understand what it is I do. The
Ceremony of Awakening is as old as the line of Durin itself. Fili and Kili are
not just coins in my purse," he hissed.
"Ori isn't like all those others you've had, though. He won't be able to just
walk away like all the others you've educated. It will be a mark against him…to
have lain with someone of your standing and been abandoned. What will that say
about him? He will be ruined. He will lose all chance at true happiness. Did
you consider that, for even one moment, when you began to move in on him?"
"And did ye consider…that I might actually care for your brother? That I see
more in him than just an easy lay?" Dwalin asked, his expression going even
harsher.
Dori actually laughed at this. "You? A great and noble warrior like you? No.
Such a thought had honestly never crossed my mind. What should someone of your
class see in Ori?"
"Ye do him wrong, Dori…to think somebody couldn't love him as he is," Dwalin
said softly, his expression softening for a moment.
"I don't…want you to hurt him," Dori said, his own guard lowering a moment,
briefly stung by Dwalin's words. "Do you know…just how long he's mooned over
you?"
"No," the warrior said, a spark of interest showing in his eyes.
"Nigh on ten years now. I always thought it harmless…a school boy's
infatuation…to fall for the handsome warrior who was always on Nori's tail. But
now, suddenly you see him…and suddenly you want him. What more is an older
brother to think but that there is something to be suspicious of?"
Still feeling his anger simmering at Dori's accusation, Dwalin took a deep
breath. This was not something he could fight Dori on. This was not a battle of
strength or even of wills. It was a battle for the one thing he truly
wanted…and it was not his strength that would win it for him. This, he knew,
was the threshold where he would discover if he was worthy. His whole life, he
had seen others find their One…the part of their soul that was missing…the love
that conquered despair and darkness…Frerin and Therin, Fili and Kili, Dis and
Threya, Balin and Miri. He had witnessed true love, and though he had seen love
defeated by death and separation, it had never been anything but pure and
faithful. Now, at last, when he had given up hope of ever finding the One the
Maker had made him for…he thought he could see that love in Ori's eyes…in the
way he blushed whenever he looked away from him…and in the way his breath
caught just before they kissed. He loved Ori…and if he lost him now by being
rash, he would never forgive himself. So, very slowly, he dropped to one knee
before the eldest brother.
"Would it make ye feel better about all this…if I asked ye for his hand?"
For a moment, Dori looked utterly shocked, but the surprise was soon replaced
by another round of suspicion.
"It might, but just saying that you'll marry him isn't quite going to cut it.
You'll have to prove to me that you can take care of him…and that you make him
happy. Only when I see the truth of this will I give you my blessing."
"Then I'll prove it to ye," Dwalin said, meeting his gaze firmly before rising
to his feet.
"We will see," Dori said before hurrying back to the company. Dwalin started to
follow, but was soon stopped by another voice.
"Now that was a sight to see," Thorin said as he appeared from the darkness. "I
don't know that I've ever seen you get to your knees for anyone but me or my
grandfather."
"Some things are…worth humblin' yourself for," he said quietly, meeting the
gaze of his king and best friend with utter conviction.
"I don't need to ask if you're serious about Ori then. I won't insult you. Fili
and Kili have been promised the first wedding in Yavanna's sanctuary when the
mountain is ours again, but I can certainly promise you the next," he said with
a small smile.
"That would be much appreciated, old friend."
"Do you want to give him an official ceremony?" Thorin asked him after eyeing
him for several moments.
"How…how do ye mean?"
"I mean he's technically entitled to it. Their mother was a distant relation of
Dain's. The branch was just in disgrace. I can't really remember the reason and
I doubt anyone else does either. All I mean is that Ori is, in fact, entitled
to a Ceremony of Awakening…if that's something you want for him."
"I'm almost surprised you're still for the tradition…given everything that's
happened," Dwalin noted as they started to walk.
"Well, just because mine was awkward doesn't make it a completely useless
tradition. As I understand it, your guidance was a blessing to Kili on the
night of his Awakening."
"Sure enough," he said, remembering how grateful Kili had been for helping him
and Fili get through that first time. "I do think he deserves it…I just don't
want Dori gettin' the wrong idea."
"I suppose we'll just see how it plays out, then. Good night," he said before
splitting off from Dwalin, leaving him to fend off a hysterical Ori, who'd been
near convinced that Dori had killed him and hidden his body in the valley.
                                      XxX
Thorin's Ceremony of Awakening occurred not long after his father's
disappearance. The elders had been divided over whether or not to hold the
ceremony on his sixty-fifth birthday, but Thorin had sided with the camp that
insisted on just going through with it. He had no wish to appear weak before
the circle of advisors and when the ceremony was at last complete, he would no
longer carry the stigma of being a child to them. He would finally be able to
take his rightful place as the ruler of Durin's Folk and there would be no more
ridiculous talk of appointing him some sort of regent. He almost didn't care
who they gave him to…almost. For indeed, this would be his first time.
It was well known among the younger generation that few who went to their
Ceremony of Awakening were truly virgins. Many had experimented in some form or
other before going to their awakening bed…be it full loss of virginity or a
thing as simple as a hand job. Prince Thorin, though, was a rare exception. He
was a true blushing virgin…though maybe without the blushing. He had
simply…never found the time or the interest to explore his body or the body of
another. His youth and innocence had been taken from him when the dragon
descended and after that, he had been thrust into the role of an adult much too
soon. There was no time to waste on pleasure…and so, when Thorin donned the
white tunic and lay down in his bed on the night of his sixty-fifth birthday,
that white tunic was more than just a symbol.
At first, the king-to-be had told himself that he was unconcerned with the
proceedings. This was nothing. How big a deal could this really be? But as the
minutes ticked down toward midnight, he found himself growing increasingly
nervous. It took all of his will power not to rise from the bed and begin to
pace. Just who were they sending into his room tonight? Who had won the right
to be the first to bed the new king? What…what would it feel like? He'd had
tales of it from Dwalin and Balin, but if his experience of battle was anything
to go by, hearing tell and actually experiencing were two vastly different
things. Was it going to hurt? Would his guide care if it hurt? He was fine with
pain, really. It was something he understood. What he didn't like was the not
knowing. By the time his door opened, he'd gotten himself so worked up, he sat
bolt upright in bed, his eyes wild when they beheld his partner.
"F-Farin?" he whispered, already berating himself for the stutter.
"Yes," the elder ambassador said as he entered his room, setting aside his
cloak and easily slipping out of his tunic, revealing his thickly muscled,
heavily scarred torso. As Thorin continued to stare at him, he sat down beside
him on the bed. "I don't imagine you were aware of it, but it was an agreement
your father and I made several years ago….after Frerin's unfortunate death.
Your brother was to have been mine at his coming of age…as Therin would have
been Thrain's…but because we were robbed of their union, it was agreed that I
was to have you instead. After all, with me as your closest advisor, I could
quite easily foster a lasting relationship between yourself and the new lord of
the Iron Hills."
Thorin wanted to scoff at this. Dain was hardly more than a child. He did still
rule with a regent, and would until he was of age. What good was a relationship
with the Iron Hills right now? However, the young prince had learned well to
keep such thoughts to himself. Farin's influence could indeed prove useful in
the future. He also didn't dwell over long on the thoughts of politics, for the
older dwarf's words had brought to mind something that had been troubling him.
"How is Therin?" he asked as Farin reached a hand over to begin stroking his
hair. He had made Therin a member of his personal guard with the intent to keep
him close and away from danger, but he honestly couldn't remember the last time
he'd heard the younger dwarf speak. Therin had faded into himself after
Frerin's death and he and Dis had been trying to awaken him to the world, but
nothing seemed to work. To watch Therin fade away to nothing was like losing
Frerin all over again…because Thorin knew he was failing his brother…failing to
keep his promise to take care of Therin.
"As well as can be expected…so not very well," Farin said, a troubled looked
flickering in his eyes briefly as his hand dropped to Thorin's waist, slipping
beneath the tunic and rubbing the skin beneath it. Thorin tried not to think
about it. "He will not speak to me anymore. He won't speak with anyone. It's
like he's not really there anymore…and I don't know what to do about it."
Thorin continued to try not thinking about it as Farin slipped the white tunic
from his body…then began to undo his belt…slipping his heated hand inside.
"Have you…thought any on…whose to be with him…when his time comes? As my
father's gone, I mean," he asked, gasping rather loudly when Farin reached
between his legs and squeezed.
"Oh, I've thought well on that, my prince. I've the perfect candidate in mind.
Let us have no more words, though. Tonight is just for you…Thorin," he said
gently, pushing him back onto the bed as he caressed his inner thighs.
Farin gave him pleasure that night, certainly…but what he mostly felt when it
was all over was that he might be sick to his stomach. His skin felt clammy
where the older dwarf had touched him and he could feel every drop of seed that
leaked down his thighs when they lay together afterward. He wished Farin would
leave, but he never did. He spent the whole night with his arms wrapped
possessively around Thorin…and when he finally left in the morning, the young
prince went straight to the bathing chambers, desperate to scrub until he felt
clean again…which would not happen for many nights to come. All he could think
was that he was glad Frerin had been spared Farin's touch. He could never put a
name to what he'd experienced in Farin's arms…but there was a part of him that
feared the old dwarf. And if he mentioned those whispers of dread to Balin and
Dwalin and the old Iron Hills ambassador ended up passing quietly in his sleep
many years later, what of it?
                                      XxX
Somehow Thorin had known that Kili's respite from his nightmares would not
last…and when he woke them all from their restless sleep in Beorn's hall with
his screaming, the king in exile knew that he couldn't hide anymore. He would
have to face his nephews with the truth…or none of them would ever know peace.
Fili was struggling to calm Kili when Thorin approached them, and the older
dwarf felt sorrow and shame in his gut when Fili looked up at him with fear in
his eyes.
"Uncle, please…I beg you…I'll get him to calm down. I will! Just
don't…don't…please…"
"No," Thorin said quietly, laying a hand on Fili's shoulder. "Quiet him. The
three of us will have words tonight."
Fili's eyes immediately began to burn with tears, but he nodded, going right
back to rocking his screaming, struggling brother…and when the two of them
joined their uncle in another room some time later, they both looked utterly
miserable.
"Are…are you going to send us away, Thorin?" Kili asked.
"No…we are much too far from Ered Luin for that to do any good now…but there is
something I must share with the two of you tonight…before anything else
happens. I want you…to know the truth."
"What…what do you mean?" Fili asked, arms immediately moving to wrap around
Kili's still trembling shoulders.
"It wasn't just chance…that Therin became fixated on you twelve years ago," he
said to Kili.
"Uncle…?" Kili mumbled, dark eyes wide with fear.
"You want to know why it happened to you? It happened…for no other reason than
that you have the misfortune to look near identical to my brother."
"What?" Kili whispered in shock.
"You…you mean Frerin?" Fili clarified.
"Yes. Frerin and Therin grew up together…and they became lovers in their time.
Had Frerin lived, the two of them would have been married," Thorin explained,
barely managing to meet the boys' eyes.
"So…he…Therin…saw Frerin born again…in Kili," Fili said slowly.
"Just so. I don't believe he remembered that, though…by the time you'd come of
age," he said to Kili. "He'd gone completely mad by then. And you told us…you
remembered him molesting you as a child."
"Yes," Kili whispered, clinging a little tighter to Fili as silent tears
spilled down his face.
"The assault you described…it didn't happen just the once."
"What…what are you talking about?"
"If…as you say…it began when you were five…then he could have been abusing you
for near on to four years."
"Four…four years?" Kili repeated, voice strangled with shock.
"Yes. We don't know…how many times he might have abused you…as you seem to have
repressed most of it…but when you were nine years old, we discovered him in bed
with you."
"Oh…oh, Mahal," Kili whispered, horrified.
"You…you knew?" Fili hissed, holding Kili tighter, both in comfort and in
anger. "You knew what he was doing to Kili…and you let him live?"
"You have every right to hate me…both of you. When I saw what he was doing to
you…I should have killed him…but I only banished him…because Frerin once loved
him…because I made him a promise as he lay dying…that I would take care of
Therin…and I failed. I've failed all of you…as your kin and your king," Thorin
said, his voice heavy with shame, sorrow, and regret.
"So…essentially…none of this had to happen? You could have stopped it from
happening…a long time ago?" Fili clarified, his voice stilted with anger.
"Yes," Thorin said. His voice was near to breaking now.
The air between the king and his heir would have been charged with bitter,
aching silence…were it not for the fact that Kili was sobbing brokenly. He had
turned completely away from Thorin and had his head buried in Fili's chest,
arms wrapped around him like a vise. Fili's arms were gentle around his fragile
form and he was whispering soothingly to him, but his eyes were fixed on
Thorin, glaring fire and venom at him as he cradled his brother close.
"Get out!" Fili spat after a time. "You obviously have no care for us, so leave
us be!"
Under normal circumstances, Thorin would have been outraged at the disrespect,
but in this, he knew it was not at all unwarranted, so leave he did, shoulders
hunched with despair and eyes burning with the suppressed desire to weep right
along with Kili.
"I am sorry," he said quietly over his shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything. If
there was one thing in my life I could do over, I'd-"
"Leave!" Fili hissed, not even looking at him. "We don't want to hear anymore."
Once Thorin had finally gone, the two brothers curled up together in a corner,
Fili holding Kili as he wept, purging himself of yet another hideous revelation
about himself and his body…and through it all, Fili let fall silent tears of
his own. Yet one more thing he'd failed to protect his beloved from…one more
nightmare to haunt Kili's already tenuous sleep. What could he do? What could
they do?
After a time, when Kili had emptied himself of tears and the two of them were
lying somewhat peacefully together in their little corner, Kili reached up to
tangle his fingers in his brother's golden hair.
"You know…I think…I think it's what I've been dreaming about…the nightmares…all
those things he did to me. I…I never realized…"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Fili asked when Kili failed to fill the silence
he'd left hanging. Slowly, Kili shook his head.
"No, not…not yet…but I will…in time. Now I…I can't help but wonder…what I would
do…if I lost you."
"Me?" Fili asked. "Why would you lose me?"
"I'm not saying I will. I just…look what it drove him to…to lose the one he
loved. I think I would almost…rather die…if I lost you," he said, clutching the
hair between his fingers a little tighter as he kissed his brother's cheek.
"I know…I understand. I feel the same way…so you and I will just have to
promise not to go off and die on the other," he soothed, laying a kiss of his
own to the top of Kili's head. The younger dwarf managed a small laugh at this,
even though he knew Fili was quite serious.
"Then I promise…not to die…unless it be by your side…in the same breath as
you."
"From your lips to Mahal's ears," Fili prayed, kissing first his lips, then
each ear. "May my vow be the same. I will never leave your side…not even in
death."
"Never apart," Kili said quietly, snuggling a little closer. "Fili?"
"Yes?"
"I…I know we said…we could never forgive what was done…but I don't think that's
true anymore. I think…I think I could forgive him."
"Forgive…?" Fili repeated, not fully comprehending.
"The dwarf that…took me…that night…he was dead. He was dead a long time before
he ever laid eyes on me. He was already dead…his body just hadn't realized it
yet."
"And you want to…forgive him?" Fili asked.
"I think so. I'm not…ready yet…but I want to. Fate was cruel enough to rob him
of his One…to force him to go on breathing after that moment. The least I can
do…is forgive his memory."
"And…Thorin?" Fili asked, still feeling anger burning in his heart. "Could you
forgive him?"
"Yes…in time," Kili answered after another long silence. "He might have…done
better to lock Therin up…than to banish him…but I cannot blame him…for trying
to keep a promise to his brother. He…he did his best. It…it's no one's fault,"
he said, both sorrow and tenderness in his eyes as he looked up at his brother.
"I want you to promise me you'll remember that."
As he looked into Kili's hopeful eyes, Fili felt sorrow overtake the anger in
his chest. Slowly, he shook his head. "I don't know if I can. I don't know if I
can forgive. I can never unsee…what I saw that night. I can never forget you…on
my bed…lying there as if dead. How do I forgive the one…who put such pain in
your eyes? I don't know how, Kili," he whispered desperately, trying to make
him understand…but Kili did not seem saddened or disturbed by his inability to
let go of his anger. Rather he smiled tenderly at him, leaning up to kiss him.
"It won't be easy. I'm not ready either…but it will happen in time. I think
I'll have to…remember a lot more…before I'm ready to forgive Therin…but I think
I can…someday…once I understand it all."
"I honestly don't know if I can," Fili repeated, holding him a little tighter.
"But I'll try. I will try…for you…Kili."
"That's all I want," Kili said, smiling as he rested his head back against
Fili's chest. "We cannot let it poison us any longer, my love."
"Then…I'll do my best," Fili said, kissing the top of his brother's head as the
two of them finally began to drift back to sleep.
For you.
                                      XxX
Technically, Thorin wasn't old enough to be involved in the discussion of who
was to have the right to his little sister's virginity, but he was also king,
so the situation was slightly different.
He sat and listened to the arguments, back and forth, not truly concerned with
any of it until Farin suddenly spoke up.
"I should say I have the strongest claim of any of you. We must see to the
princess' comfort…and I am, after all, already so close to the family," he
said, a knowing gaze drifting in Thorin's direction. When their eyes met,
Thorin could feel the old nausea and fear churning in his stomach. It took all
of his will not to scream. He would not have this dwarf touch his baby sister.
"No," he insisted in a loud, barely contained voice. "That…that wouldn't really
be fair. You have had the king, Farin. What more could you possibly need? There
are others my sister would prefer, if it's her comfort you're aiming for. At
this juncture, I declare Valin's suit to be the most valid. He will be with my
sister on the night of her coming of age."
There was some grumbling among the elders, but no one truly contested his
choice. How could they, after all? Thorin was still left feeling uncomfortable,
though, because the smile had not left Farin's face. It was as if he knew
something Thorin didn't…and that made him worry for his sister all the more.
That was the night he spoke to his two closest friends about the secret fear
he'd harbored ever since Farin had lain with him. He had had no one else since
then and he wasn't sure if he ever would. He did not want the same fate for
Dis.
                                       X
Farin was found dead in his bed soon after Dis' Ceremony of Awakening. Thorin
was quick to declare it a natural death, even though there may or may not have
been signs of poisoning. After all, many dwarves had found their life spans
shortened after the wandering life the dragon's diaspora had forced on them.
The funeral was well attended, of course, with the grieving son as the
centerpiece…and after the rites had been performed and the stone coffin sealed,
Thorin approached Therin alone.
"I am sorry for your loss," he said to him, and he more than half expected him
not to reply, which was why he was almost shocked to receive the embittered,
"I'm not."
Thorin could come up with nothing to say to that, so was almost grateful when
Therin kept on, even though the words were harsh and venomous.
"I hated him…and he hated me. That old snake punished me every minute for the
last twenty-five years…for my failing to wed into the line of Durin."
"You…he… what? " Thorin murmured in shock. "Why…why did you never say?"
"Because I deserved it!" Therin hissed as he turned away from him. "I've
deserved every punishment I've borne…for failing to keep him safe."
"Frerin," Thorin said softly.
"I miss him, Thorin," he cried, finally breaking down in tears. "Sometimes I
miss him so badly I can't breathe…but still I don't die. I go on living…without
him. Every time Farin laid a hand to me…I prayed he would kill me."
"Laid…hand…"
Therin laughed bitterly at his incomprehension. "Who do you think was with me
when I came of age?"
Oh, Mahal.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Thorin asked again, gripping his shoulders and
forcing him to look at him.
"Because I wanted to die! I've been wishing I was dead ever since the light
left his eyes…but I swore to him…I swore not to take my own life…and I can
never break a promise to him."
"You have forced me to break mine, Therin. I promised him I would take care of
you. And now this…"
Therin shook his head. "This wasn't your doing. Thorin…Brother…if you have any
care for me at all…there is one thing you can do for me."
"What?"
"Kill me," he begged. "Kill me before I become just as bad as he was. I can't
live like this."
"Therin…"
"Kill me. Kill me! Please! My king…I beg you!" he continued to plead, falling
to his knees before Thorin, hands scrabbling at his tunic. "Give me peace, my
brother. Send me to be with Frerin. Let us be together at last."
"You know I can't do that. I made him a promise, too. To take your life…it will
be like losing him all over again."
"I lose him every day…every day I wake alone, and I forget a little more of
what his voice sounded like…what his touch felt like. Mahal, I'm losing him,
Thorin! And every little piece I lose…another part of my soul dies. There will
be nothing left by the time my body dies. Why am I still alive?! " he sobbed.
"Oh, Therin," Thorin whispered as he slowly moved to his knees with the younger
dwarf, pulling him into his arms. Therin was just as much his brother as Frerin
had been…and to see just how badly he had failed in his promise…it tore at
something in him, and it was more for his own shame and cowardice that he could
not bring himself to grant Therin his one wish. "I cannot. Don't you understand
that I cannot? You may as well ask me to kill Dis…or Dwalin…or Balin. Do not
ask this of me…until you understand what it is that you ask. Until that
day…live…and if you still want to die…I'll kill you myself."
Therin faded away again after that day. His voice disappeared and his gaze
faded to glass. He was the most dour and feared of Thorin's guards and he never
had to speak even one word. His voice didn't return to him until the night of
Kili's birth.
Dis was resting in her bed after a long and difficult labor. Kili would
certainly be her last child, as Oin had told her her body couldn't handle
another pregnancy and the little one's father had died before he'd even been
able to see his second son. Not for the last time, Dis wished that Vili could
be here…that he could have seen Kili. But her sorrow and her pain were worth it
all…to see her baby son nursing at her breast…and to see her firstborn bouncing
up and down beside the bed, his golden features lit with a smile. Fili had
loved his baby brother even before he'd been born and Dis knew that she needed
no vow from the boy. He would protect his brother with his life.
"He's pretty," Fili insisted as he climbed up on the bed with her, reaching out
a hand to stroke the dark peach fuzz on his brother's head.
"Don't rock the bed too much," Thorin chastised him lightly. "Your Mother's
very tired."
Fili looked sheepish as he glanced up at her. "Sorry," he mumbled, though the
reprimand did little to dampen his joy.
"Another prince for the line of Durin!" Dwalin said heartily as he Balin and
several others close to the family were allowed in to see the new princeling.
"Keep quiet, all of ye," Oin ordered, somehow both perturbed and pleased, and
in the sudden quiet that stemmed from the order, one voice rose above the
others.
"He really is beautiful."
A shocked silence fell over the group as they all looked back at the last dwarf
to enter the chamber.
Therin.
"Thank you," Dis said softly, at first feeling only joy that her friend had
spoken after so many years.
It seemed so innocent at the time…the compliment of a friend…but as the months
passed, the young mother grew more and more uncomfortable with the way Therin
watched her son. It was less of chaste affection…and more of heat …of
longing…and on the day when Therin vanished into the forest with her child and
neither he nor Kili would answer her calls, she knew fear the like of which she
had not known since she had seen dragon fire in the sky.
                                       X
"Kili, darling, where were you?" she demanded as she pulled her child into her
arms. "Why didn't you answer my calls?"
Kili blushed as he looked away from her, scraping the toe of his boot lightly
against the ground. "Therin and I were just playin'."
"But why didn't you answer?" she pressed, searching for signs of harm or some
sort of…misconduct…but there was nothing. "I was worried sick about you."
"It was hide and seek," Kili said, looking affronted. "I couldn't let him find
me."
"Well, just…just be more careful next time," she said, breathing a sigh of
relief. Nothing seemed to have happened…and of course she couldn't explain her
fears to her son. "Your brother already hurt himself today. I don't want to
have to worry about both of you."
For a moment, Kili looked like he wanted to say something…but then seemed to
think better of it and skipped over to where one of the women was helping Fili
walk…and it was that last look that caused the seed of horror to sprout in Dis'
gut. Something had happened…something Kili wouldn't tell her. Well, now she
finally had a name for her concern; she would take her worries to Thorin.
Therin wouldn't be spending any more time with her son if she could help it.
                                       X
"I don't…think we should be here," Fili said, sounding nervous as he resisted
the pull of his baby brother's eager hand. "Mama said we aren't supposed to-"
"It's all right," Kili insisted, tugging a little more insistently. "Therin's
my friend. Nothing bad will happen."
"Kili's right, you know," the guardsman said as he appeared at the entrance to
his quarters, admitting the two dwarflings into his home. "I would never harm
either of you. Kili is my very special friend."
"Mama says we shouldn't talk to you," Fili accused, though he didn't fight his
brother's pull. "She says you're…not right."
"And did she say why? " he pressed, gesturing the two boys to sit on a couch
that was settled near to a fireplace.
"Well…no…but-"
"You always do what Mama says?" Kili challenged, sticking his tongue out at his
brother as he rolled around on the large, soft cushions.
"No!" Fili bit back, flushing in embarrassment.
"Good, cuz that's no fun."
"Would you boys like some warm milk?" Therin asked them. Kili nodded eagerly
and Fili slowly followed suit. It would be rude to refuse, after all. Before
too long, the guardsman returned to the couch with two warm mugs. Kili drank
his down quickly, but Fili took it at a slower pace. There was
something…different…about the taste of this milk. It was a little bit sweeter
than he was used to. Before too long, he began to feel himself growing sleepy.
"Kili…I'm tired. I think we should…go back home," he said, struggling against
the weight of his eyelids. How had he gotten so sleepy?
"You can rest here if you're tired. I don't think you'll make it home at this
rate," Therin said with a smile, going to fetch a blanket from a basket in the
corner. Fili felt a spike of panic flutter in his stomach when the older dwarf
tucked the blanket around him, smoothing his hair back from his face. He
couldn't even make his body move, he was so tired.
"No…I don't…don't want to…Kili…Kili…" he called out softly, barely managing to
slip his hand from under the blanket and take his little brother's hand.
"Kili…please…go home," he begged. He knew something wasn't right, but he
couldn't fight it. He gripped Kili's hand a little tighter before sleep finally
claimed him.
"I'm sorry," Kili called over his shoulder, still holding Fili's hand. "He
doesn' usually fall asleep that fast."
"It's all right. We'll let your brother rest. Now you and I can talk," Therin
said, sitting down beside him on the couch and taking his other hand in his.
"Therin…why doesn' Mama want me to see you anymore?"
"I'm not sure, dear heart."
"Is it…is it because of the game we played?"
"How can it be? You enjoyed it, didn't you? Didn't I make you feel good?"
Therin pressed, gripping his hand a little tighter.
"Well…yes," Kili said, blushing as he looked down at his lap. He could feel his
body growing hot and prickly all over at the memory of the way Therin had
touched him.
"And you didn't tell her about our special game…did you?"
"No."
"Then that can't be the reason," he soothed, beginning to massage the little
hand he held.
"I guess not," he said, starting to squirm uncomfortably. It wasn't just memory
now. He really was getting hot. "Therin, I…it's really hot in here. I'm too
hot," he complained, still not letting go of his brother's hand.
"Perhaps you ought to take your shirt off?" Therin suggested mildly.
For a moment, Kili felt nervous. Something felt wrong about this…but he
ultimately managed to quash the voices in his head. Therin was his friend,
after all. So, reluctantly letting go of Fili's hand, he slipped his tunic over
his head.
"Come here, little one," Therin called gently, holding out a hand to him. "I
want you to sit on my lap. I've missed you so."
Kili was reluctant, but he did go to Therin after several tense moments,
sitting down on his lap, facing him.
"Kili…do you think we could play our special game again?" Therin asked, looking
hopeful.
"I…I dunno," Kili said, glancing nervously at his passed out sibling. "Fili's
here."
"He won't wake," Therin said firmly. "He's very tired. Besides…I can see how
much you want me to touch you."
"You…you can?" Kili asked nervously. Maybe that was the strange prickling,
burning feeling in his body? Did that mean…that he wanted for Therin to touch
him again?
"Oh, yes. Do you feel this?" he asked, slipping a hand between Kili's legs and
rubbing at his privates through his trousers. Kili let out a tiny cry at the
contact. He hadn't noticed it before, but he'd gone completely stiff in his
smallclothes.
"What…what is that?" he whimpered. He hadn't noticed it the last time Therin
had put his hand between his legs.
"You're hard, Kili. It means you like me. You like me touching you. You want me
to make you feel good," he whispered in his ear, drawing his small body closer.
Again, Kili whimpered.
"I…I do?"
"Yes. Can I touch you, pretty Kili? You said I could."
"Y-yes…I guess," Kili said, slowly climbing to his knees, opening himself a
little more to Therin's probing hands. He whimpered as Therin undid his
belt…reached his hands inside…and touched as he pleased…and all the while, Kili
felt him growing hard beneath him…could see him rising up through the layers of
his clothing. "Do…do you like me?" he asked, smiling weakly up at Therin.
"Yes, Kili. I like you very much. I love you…my dear one."
"Do you…want me to touch it?"
"I'd like that very much, little one."
When Therin had bared himself and was thrusting merrily between Kili's legs…the
dwarfling couldn't help but glance at his brother from time to time. It felt
good…just like the first time…just like Therin promised…but it also felt
strange. To do this with Therin…when Mama had told him not to see him…it felt
wrong, and hardly for the last time, Kili wondered if he was doing something
bad. When they were finally finished, though, and Therin was kissing him
tenderly, he did feel a little better. He felt…loved.
When Fili awoke several hours later, Kili was sitting beside him, smiling.
"Morning, sleepy head. Have a good nap?"
"Kili…are…are you all right?" he asked him, reaching for his hand, vaguely
recalling the panic from earlier.
"I'm fine. Therin and I had fun while you were sleeping. You…you're not gonna
tell Mama…are you?" he asked, lower lip trembling slightly.
"No," he said, pulling his baby brother into a hug. "Only…maybe we shouldn't do
this anymore."
"O…okay."
 
***** Part Two *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Kili didn't take Fili with him when he went to see Therin after that day. He
made up little excuses and lies about where he'd been when he went to see his
friend. Sometimes they met in his quarters, other times it would be out in the
forest while the rest of his family was picking berries or doing laundry. More
often their secret meetings began to happen in the deeps of the mines, away
from the prying eyes of all the others. Once Therin had even crept into Fili
and Kili's own room to lie with Kili in the bed he shared with his brother.
Kili didn't know how they weren't caught or how Therin had come to him in the
first place without being seen by Kili's nurse, but he didn't question it. He
was happy to be with Therin…and happy to play the special games he always asked
for, because Therin listened to him when he talked…just like Fili did. He could
tell Fili most things…but there were some things he couldn't…like the times he
felt jealous of his brother for the extra attention Uncle Thorin and the others
paid him. As he grew, Therin listened to his insecurities and fears and soothed
them all away with kisses and gentle words, telling him that he was the special
one and that he adored Kili more than all the others ever could…and if he was
occasionally made uncomfortable by the games Therin wanted to play, what of it?
He could do this much, couldn't he? After all…Therin loved him.
As the time passed, Kili began to understand a little more of just what kinds
of games his special friend was playing with him. They were sex games…playing
at being intimate…and Therin had explained to him that they would change as he
got older…and that one day they would be ready to play the best game of all,
but Kili wasn't ready yet. He began to understand more about his body and the
way it reacted when Therin touched it…more about getting hard…and the sweat and
the heat. He understood that the liquid his body produced when Therin touched
him wasn't piss, as he'd first thought, but a special kind of seed…a seed of
pleasure, Therin had once told him. Like the hardness between his legs, it
meant that he liked what Therin did to him…only he couldn't tell anyone else
about their secret pleasures because they might not understand. Therin had
explained to him that they probably shouldn't be doing this until Kili was
older, but that theirs was a special case and they were supposed to be together
like this…but the others wouldn't understand until Kili was the right age. Kili
didn't really understand any of this, but he abided by his friend's wishes
anyway…because he liked it when Therin listened to him and touched him and
loved him and made him feel good. He liked to be loved this way…but he also
didn't quite agree that they were supposed to be together, like Therin said.
Even though the older dwarf brought him pleasure, he always felt just that tiny
bit uncomfortable every time they were together…and even though he didn't
understand why, he felt like he was betraying Fili by doing this…not Mama, and
not Uncle Thorin…just his beloved brother. Every time Therin put his hand
between his legs, or on his bottom, or on his chest, he felt like Fili would be
hurt by what he was doing…and he had said as much to Therin once…when they'd
had their little sex game a few days after Kili's eighth birthday.
"You shouldn't feel bad about it, my love," Therin soothed as he rubbed Kili's
inner thighs, slicking them with the seed he'd spilled. "He'll only find out if
you tell him…and he can't be hurt if he doesn't know."
"But…but what if he finds out?" Kili asked, feeling tears prick behind his
eyes.
"Best hope he doesn't. If he finds out…I don't think Fili will love you
anymore," Therin said, looking up to meet his gaze.
"Not…not love me anymore?" he repeated, shocked and horrified at the thought.
"Why not?"
"Because he would think you dirty now. He's like all the rest of them. He
wouldn't understand."
"Should…should we stop? I don't want Fili to not love me anymore."
"It's too late for that, darling. You've already done it. There's no going
back."
"But…but I-"
"Let's have no more arguments and no more tears, little one. I've told you
already they wouldn't understand. None of them will love you anymore if they
ever find out. I'm the only one who will always love you…no matter what. So say
it…tell me who loves you, Kili," he said as he pulled the child into a tight
embrace.
"You. You love me, Therin," he whispered as he clung to the older dwarf, tears
still pouring silently down his face.
"And do you love me, my Kili?" he asked, gently rubbing his back.
"Yes…I do."
"Say it," Therin repeated harshly. "Tell me you love me."
"I love you, Therin."
Kili didn't enjoy himself any after that. He just kept going to Therin because
he knew no other way. The gentle talking and laughing and listening stopped and
there was only pleasure of the body. They would meet in the forest or the mines
or Therin's chamber, they would play their little sex game, Therin would hold
him for a while, kiss him and stroke him and tell him how much he loved him and
that he never wanted to lose him again…then he would clean him up and send him
on his way. By the time he was nine, Therin had touched every part of his body
in some way…except for the tiny entrance concealed between his buttocks, and he
wasn't sure why, because he could tell the older dwarf had a particular
fixation with it, but he left it alone. Even though he didn't understand, he
was somewhat relieved there was at least one part of him Therin hadn't touched.
He was afraid that was going to change, though, when he went to his friend to
play a sex game on the night of the Durin's Day celebration.
Kili rushed into Therin's arms, his face red with anger and wet with tears.
"What's wrong, my little one? Why are you crying?" Therin asked as he held him
close.
"They're saying…Fili's going to be Uncle's heir now. They say he'll have to
spend all his time training…that he won't have time to play anymore…and
Fili…Fili's happy! He's excited. He hasn't looked at me once since they
announced it this morning. Does…does he not love me anymore, Therin? Does he
not want me? I miss him! I want my brother back!" he sobbed broken-heartedly as
Therin lifted him into his arms and carried him further back into his quarters.
"Shh, shh, hush, my lovely. It's all right. Even if he doesn't love you
anymore, I will always be here for you. I'll always love you…and tonight, I'll
take all your pain away," he soothed, pressing a tender kiss to Kili's lips.
The boy blatantly ignored the fear beginning to boil in his stomach. All he
wanted right now was to forget.
"Yes," he sniffled, kissing back. He didn't usually do that. "Make…make the
hurting stop. Make me feel good. Love me," he pleaded…and suddenly found
himself deposited on a large, soft bed. When Therin left him there, he realized
his friend had brought him back to his bedchamber. He'd never done that before.
Normally, they played their game on the couch.
'Tonight is special, Kili," Therin said as he rummaged around in a few of his
drawers. "I want you to feel special."
"Am…am I ready?" Kili asked, struggling to wipe the tears from his face.
"I think you just might be," Therin said as he returned to the bed, dropping
several things on the bedside table. "I don't think you need your milk tonight.
You'll get up just fine without it."
"What…what do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just lie back," he said, slowly pushing him back onto the bed. "I'll
take care of everything tonight."
Kili lay still as Therin removed his clothing. He was obedient and made the
nice sounds while Therin touched him, making him hard and needy. He was the
perfect little lover…all in waiting for the moment his friend had promised to
make the aching stop…and finally, Therin began to rub oil against the hole he'd
never touched. He didn't breach it…just rubbed lots and lots of oil around the
tight ring of muscle. Then he switched places with Kili, so that he was lying
on the bed and Kili was sitting in his lap, the older dwarf's hard privates
thrusting gently against the same place they always did…the little bit of
sensitive skin between his own privates and the now slick hole.
"Therin? I…I thought we were gonna do something different tonight," he mumbled.
"Yes," Therin panted. "I'm just…getting you ready," he said, gripping Kili's
small hips a little harder as he bounced him up and down, stimulating them
both. With a few more awkward rolls and groans and whispers, Kili was spilling,
whimpering as his body drained itself. Then he felt Therin spill himself,
soaking his thighs with the seed.
"Are…are we gonna do it now?" Kili asked. He was afraid, but he was also angry
and sad and willing to do anything to get away from this awful day.
"Yes, my Kili. We're going to do it now."
Kili had spent himself completely, but Therin was still hard. Just as he was
repositioning himself, pressing the tip of his privates against Kili's hole and
tightening his grip on Kili's hips once more, a horrified scream pierced the
quiet and semi-darkness of the chamber.
" Kili! " he heard Dwalin shouting. Crying out in fear, he looked up to see
Balin, Dwalin, Uncle Thorin, and Mama entering the room. He didn't see who, but
someone snatched him away from Therin. Then he heard the sounds of a struggle.
"Kili! Kili! My precious baby! What's he done to you?!" he heard Mama's voice
as he was crushed against her breast.
"Mama! Mama! I'm sorry! Please! Please don't hate me! I don't want you to not
love me anymore! Please! " he sobbed, clinging desperately to her.
"Oh, sweetheart, why wouldn't I love you anymore?"
"Therin said…you wouldn't understand…that everyone would hate me if they found
out," he sniffled.
"Found out what?"
"About…about the games we were playing."
"Oh…darling…" Dis whispered, but before she could say anything more, she
realized her son had passed out in her arms. Clutching the unconscious boy in
her arms, she turned her attention back to where Balin and Dwalin had Therin
pinned. Thorin stood before him, his face terrible with anger and horror.
"What have you done to him?" he demanded, voice quiet, but somehow more
terrible than the most massive earthquake.
"Kili is…he's Frerin."
As Therin's words slowly sank in, there was a collective moment of horrified
silence.
"What…what are you talking about?" Dis demanded, her voice shaking.
"Frerin came back to me. I can see his eyes looking out through Kili's. Don't
you see it?" he asked, happy tears pouring down his face as he gazed at all of
them.
"So that made it okay for you to just…he's nine years old, Therin!" Thorin
exploded at him.
"Age doesn't matter. It's my Frerin. We're in love. Maybe he doesn't know that
yet, but he'll remember…someday."
"Lad…Kili is not Frerin. Frerin died seventy-four years ago," Balin tried to
reason with him. "Kili is himself."
"No! He is Frerin! He is! I know it! He came back! He came back to me! And
we'll be together again!" Therin insisted, eyes wobbling in his madness.
"Therin…just…what all have you been doing with Kili?" Thorin asked him. Much as
the thought pained him, he had to know. He had to know how badly Kili had been
hurt.
"I haven't taken him," Therin said straight off. "I haven't entered his body in
any way. He's still a virgin in the eyes of the law. He's not…he isn't ready
yet," he said gently, eyes filled with infinite tenderness as he looked on
Kili, sleeping in Dis' arms. "I will have him…the moment he's ready."
"Then what have ye done?" Dwalin pressed, a knife held at the mad dwarf's
jugular.
"We've touched…and played…I've touched him everywhere…and he's touched me. I
gave Kili his first pleasure."
"Mahal," Dis whispered in horror, holding her boy a little tighter.
"If he isn't ready…just what was it we caught you doing just now?" Thorin asked
him.
"He was sad today…sad that he was losing his brother. He wanted me to make the
hurt stop. He wanted it," Therin said, smiling to himself.
"He isn't old enough to want it. No matter what you've told him, he couldn't
possibly understand. No matter what you've deluded yourself into thinking, you
did force yourself on him. I should kill you for what you've done," Thorin
said, drawing his sword and laying it against the other dwarf's throat. "You
asked me to kill you once. Do you still have that wish?"
At this, Therin just smiled up at him, eerie and unhinged. "Why would I want to
leave now…when my Frerin has come back to me?"
Growling, Thorin swept the blade back, ready to bring it down and end Therin's
miserable existence…but when he looked into his eyes once more, he could summon
only pity for the once proud noble. Shaking his head, he let the blade fall at
his side. He could not do it. It would be as if he'd killed Frerin himself.
"Thorin?" Balin questioned him, his hold on the deranged dwarf tightening.
Rather than acknowledge him, though, Thorin looked back to Dis, who nodded her
understanding. While she hated the dwarf before her for what he had done to her
baby, she could also remember the bright, shining young lad who had made her
brother so happy. She would support Thorin in whatever he chose to do, so long
as it kept Therin away from her son.
"Therin, son of Farin, you are to be banished forthwith from Ered Luin. Should
I or mine see your face in these halls ever again, you will be killed," he
pronounced, turning away as Dwalin and Balin dragged the now screaming dwarf
away.
"No! Kili! Frerin! Kili! "
Thorin moved back toward his sister once the room was quiet again, reaching out
a hand to gently stroke Kili's hair with a look of pain and despair on his
face.
"Will he…ever be all right again?" he wondered, more to himself than actually
expecting an answer.
"I have no idea. I don't know what to do. I just don't understand…why he went
back to Therin…when I told him not to. I told him to stay away…and he lied to
my face about where he was spending his time. He lied…to me and Fili both; he
lied. "
"What will you do when he wakes?"
"I'm not sure. I suppose…for now…the best thing to do would be to take him to
Oin. Perhaps it would be best if he's not awake while he examines him."
Thorin agreed, and the two royal siblings sought out the old healer, who
examined the dwarfling with great sorrow. It turned out to be as Therin had
told them. Kili had not been harmed in any way…not in body. The only damage
would be invisible…to his mind…his fragile young soul. The adults were prepared
to question Kili about the details of what Therin had done to him when he woke
later that night. They had been prepared for anything but what they actually
received.
"How are you feeling, baby?" Dis asked him when his eyes fluttered open. He
smiled weakly up at her when she took his small hand in hers. He was lying in
his own bed. Fili was being kept out, told only that Kili had gotten sick at
the festival.
"Kinda hot…a little funny in my tummy."
"Do you remember what happened?"
Kili scrunched up his face, trying to recall, but ultimately shook his head.
"Not really. I remember…the feast. I think…something happened after the
fireworks…but I don't remember."
"You don't remember…what Therin did?"
Again, Kili scrunched up his face in confusion. "Who…who's Therin?"
Briefly, Dis' eyes widened. Kili's face was completely guileless…and after the
panic attack he'd displayed before losing consciousness, she really didn't
think he was capable of such a lie right now. "You don't…know?"
"Uh-uh. Mama…what happened?"
"Nothing, my gem, nothing," she soothed, stroking his hair. "You just got a
little sick at the festival. Probably ate too much cake. You just lie quiet and
rest. We'll have you feeling better in no time," she said as she stood from the
bed.
"Can…can I see Fili?" he asked.
"Of course. He's very anxious to see you. I'll send him right in."
Dis did just that, immediately allowing her very worried firstborn into the
room while she went to speak to the others.
"He doesn't remember what happened," she told them. "Not tonight, not anything
that might have happened before, none of it. He doesn't even remember who
Therin is."
"Nothing? Really?" Thorin pressed.
"No. I…I just told him he got sick at the festival. Is…is this normal?" she
asked Oin.
"It can sometimes happen…that the mind pushes away traumatic events. I don't
know that it's healthy, but…maybe…if he never remembers, perhaps these events
are best forgotten."
"So what?" Balin asked. "We never speak of it again? Pretend it never happened?
Is that really going to help the lad?"
"There's nothing else we can do…so long as he doesn't remember what happened to
him," Oin explained sadly.
"We do better than that. We strike Therin's name from the records…forbid all
mention of him. No one would question it…not after news of his banishment comes
to light," Thorin said.
"And if he should ever return?" Dwalin asked. "How will we protect the wee one
then?"
"As I said…he will be killed. We will never let him touch Kili again. We will
protect him this time," Thorin said, his saddened gaze moving away from the
group and toward the door that led to the boys' room.
The moment their mother had let him in, Fili had zipped straight to the bed and
plopped down beside his brother.
"You feeling okay?"
"Still a little funny. Guess it must have been really bad if I passed out,"
Kili said, smiling at his brother. "You didn't see it, did you?"
"No. Gloin had me tied up doing other things. They've all kept me tied up all
day. I mean…I know the whole heir thing's supposed to be a big honor and all,
but…all I really wanted to do today was get back to you. "
"Really?" Kili asked, feeling his heart lighten. He'd been missing his Fili so
badly today and it made him happy to know that his brother had been missing
him, too.
"Yes. I wanted to share the news with you, and to spend the feast day with you,
not those stuffy old adults."
"Do you think…when I'm feeling better…we could play again?" Kili asked
hopefully.
"Sure. We'll play as much as you want, but maybe for tonight, we ought to lie
down and rest," he said, ruffling his baby brother's hair and kissing the top
of his head before climbing under the covers with him and cradling him close.
Kili snuggled up close against him and before too long, the brothers were
sleeping soundly, blissfully unaware of the world around them.
                                      XxX
The company remained in Beorn's home a few more days following Kili's
breakdown. The two brothers didn't exactly shun their uncle, but they did keep
themselves apart from him, and from the others, staying closed off in their own
little world. It wasn't exactly the kind of tension Thorin had expected, but
the tension was there just the same as the company rode toward the borders of
Mirkwood.
Tensions were also still high elsewhere in the company, though, as Dori still
kept a constant eye on Dwalin and his baby brother. That strife had,
fortunately, been eased somewhat by the fact that Nori had taken more of a
liking to his little brother's burly protector, despite their past history of
law keeper and trouble maker, and upon learning of their plan to hold a small
Ceremony of Awakening, he had also managed to nick a few skeins of white yarn
from the Rivendell elves so that Ori might make himself a proper white tunic
for the occasion. Of course, Ori could only work on his secret project whenever
Dori wasn't looking, so that delayed the process somewhat, but it was just as
they were sending the ponies back at the edge of the diseased forest that Ori
pulled Dwalin to the side and slipped the warrior's hand into his pack,
allowing him to feel the finished tunic.
"It's ready," he said, offering Dwalin a shy smile.
"Heh, I've never seen a white tunic made of yarn before…but then, you're also
not like any dwarf I've ever been with before either," he said, chuckling as he
bent to give Ori a kiss, only just hovering on the verge of unchaste.
"We can…go ahead with it…any time we want," Ori said, blushing lightly.
Sighing, Dwalin rested a hand on Ori's waist. "Probably had best to wait until
this whole ugly business is behind us," he said.
Ori's face fell at this. "Really? We have to wait that long?"
"What? Ye want to have a go right now? With your brothers and all the others
watching?"
"M-maybe I do," Ori suggested, going for indignant, but offering up a wry smile
at the same time. "Maybe I'm tired of Dori treating me like a dwarfling."
"Ach, he only wants what's best for ye. I do, too…and I want ye to have a
proper bed for your first time…not some quick lay on the dirt in a cursed
forest. We'll wait 'til we can do things proper."
This was what Dwalin said, but then the company actually entered Mirkwood…and
began to experience the ill effects of the great forest's slow death. They were
trapped in illusions and low on provisions and sleep, and Dwalin wasn't quite
certain how many days it had been when he woke to find Ori settling himself in
his lap, dressed in the knitted white tunic.
"Lad, what…what are ye-" he started to mumble, reaching up to grip the younger
dwarf's hips.
"We may never get out of here," Ori said, his voice high and thin as his
fingers scrabbled at Dwalin's chest. "I don't want to play this game anymore. I
don't want to die…never having been with you."
"But…your brother-"
"Is on watch with Nori. He'll keep him busy. Dori won't see anything," he
whispered, crawling up the older dwarf's body and drawing him into a very deep
kiss.
Dwalin wanted to resist, but after days of being at the mercy of Mirkwood, he
no longer had the will to. He pulled Ori in tight against him, welcoming the
embrace with open arms and eager lips. The pair shared several kisses, at once
tender and rough, lost somewhere in the press between passion and gentleness.
Almost before he'd realized it, Ori had Dwalin stripped down to his
smallclothes and was rutting rather desperately against the hardness they
concealed.
"Ye slippery little snake," Dwalin teased, shifting their positions so that Ori
lay beneath him on his bedroll.
"Oh…Dwalin…hurry. I want this. Please…please take the tunic off," he pleaded,
writhing eagerly beneath his lover's solid body.
Dwalin did as he was bid, gently lifting the soft white tunic from Ori's body.
The rest of his clothing wasn't far behind and before too long, they were
moving eagerly together, reveling in the longed for press of skin against skin.
"Mahal…Mahal…take me, Dwalin. Just take me," Ori urged, moaning wantonly as
Dwalin laid several harsh kisses to his neck.
Dwalin didn't need much more than that. Using his vial of cleaning oil to
prepare his eager lover, it wasn't long before he was pushing into his body,
relishing every sound he drew from his lips as they joined. Ori could barely
keep himself quiet as Dwalin moved in him over and over again.
Their lovemaking was over quickly, and they fell asleep just as quickly when
Dwalin pulled his blanket over their naked, entangled bodies, both of them
sweaty and sated. It wasn't exactly what Dwalin had wanted for Ori, but it was
everything Ori had dreamed of…and if Ori was walking a little bit funny when
the company next set out, well, most of them simply chalked it up to another
hallucination anyway.
                                      XxX
The celebration of Kili's sixty-fifth birthday was the grandest affair Ered
Luin had seen in a good long while. Even though Fili was the elder prince and
the heir to his uncle's rule, there had been many more dwarves eager to see the
pretty young prince come of age. Many had vied for the right to enter his
chamber and claim his virginity on the night he was of age, but of course, the
decision had been made long before the bidding had even begun.
Fili had expected Thorin to be harder to persuade when he and Dwalin had gone
to him with the request that Dwalin be allowed to also claim Kili, as he'd
claimed Fili. All the older brother had really needed to say was that he
trusted Dwalin and that he wanted Kili's comfort and security above all other
things. Thorin had agreed immediately upon mention of Kili's comfort and Fili
had thought no more of it since. He did make sure to keep a clear head on his
shoulders on the night of the celebration, though. He had heard talk of dwarves
lurking about, waiting on the fringes to break the ancient tradition and seize
his beautiful brother against his will. He shared only a few tankards with
Kili, but otherwise kept himself on high alert, keeping an eye out for anyone
who dared to do anything unseemly to his Kili. He hesitated momentarily when
Thorin called him away from the table. He had warned Kili of the dangers, but
his brother was blissfully unaware of his surroundings, deep into his ale by
this point and merrily celebrating that he was finally of age and that the two
of them could finally be together.
"I'll be right back, little wolf. Don't go anywhere," he said, gently kissing
his ear before rising from the table, constantly glancing back to make sure
Kili was safe, as he had been doing all night. He continued with his glancing
even while Thorin was talking to him.
"I see Kili's been enjoying himself," Thorin said, clapping him hard on the
back. Fili nodded, taking another glance.
"He has at that. I don't know that I've ever seen him drink this much."
"I hope the evening hasn't been entirely uneventful for you."
"Certainly not. I'll just be glad when it's all over and done with," he said,
glancing at Kili again.
"On that subject…I'm aware you and Kili are…are bound. I just wanted to ask you
when you planned on putting forward a proper suit for your brother's hand.
There are certain requirements to be met after all. Don't think I won't test
you just as hard as I would any other who came asking for Kili's hand."
"No…of course not," Fili said slowly, stealing another glance. "I mean to do it
right…for him. I'd thought to prepare my suit once the whole ceremony business
has blown over. He…he will be safe then."
"There will be others, you know?" Thorin pointed out. "Many desire to marry
into the line of Durin…and the clans will be sending forth their most eligible
princes in the hope of wedding the second son."
"Yes…there will be others," Fili growled. "But Kili is mine …as I am his. No
dwarf will dare to break what we have…once I make my claim."
Thorin was about to say something more when one of the guardsmen rushed up to
him, his face looking urgent and somewhat fearful.
"My lord, I come with news. Therin has been spotted in the city."
At his words, Thorin's face blanched to the roots of his hair and his eyes went
dark with anger and fear. "Have you apprehended him yet?"
"No. I have dwarves searching high and low, but he's evaded us. It may be he's
in the hall already. I will have the guard doubled for your protection."
Thorin shook his head. "It isn't me he'll be after." At this, his head snapped
in Fili's direction. "Fili, where is your brother?!" he barked.
"He's just-" Fili's voice immediately died in his throat when he looked
back…only to find that Kili was no longer at their table. He couldn't see him
anywhere.
Hearing only the beating of his heart pounding in his ears, Fili rushed back to
the table, searching desperately for any sign of his brother. He asked the
others but no one had seen. Kili had been there one minute and gone the next.
Almost before he was aware, Thorin was at his side again.
"He's gone, Uncle! He's gone! No one knows where he is! What if…what if
someone's taken him?" he asked, feeling dread clench in his stomach.
"It's Therin. He's done this."
"Who's Therin?"
"A dwarf who was banished a long time ago…banished for the crime of rape."
"Oh, Mahal," Fili whispered in horror. "We…we've got to find him!" he insisted,
bolting from the hall, eyes searching in every direction, hoping to catch some
glimpse of his brother. Thorin easily caught up with him, clamping a hand down
on his shoulder.
"Fili, it won't help him for you to lose control. Arm yourself first," he said,
taking up an axe from the rack outside the great hall and handing it to Fili,
his own sword already secured at his hip. "We'll cover more ground if we split
up and search. I'll get Dwalin and the others and we'll search the pubs and the
mines. Where do you think he might take your brother?"
"I…I'm not sure," he growled quietly, at once feeling lost, afraid, and angry.
What if they didn't find him in time? What if…Kili…
No, Fili growled again, shaking his head to clear it. I won't fail you. I'll
find you!
"The…the bathing chambers. I'll check there first," he finally decided. Thorin
gave him a nod before they split off from each other, each sprinting toward
their separate destinations.
Kili, please! Where are you?! Give me some kind of sign.
Nadadith…Azyungal…please…help me save you!
Save me…save me…please…don't…don't let this happen.
"Kili! Kili, where are you?!" he called aloud as he ran. He could almost swear
he could hear his brother calling out to him.
Kili needs you…he's in pain…have to help him!
As he ran, he couldn't help but think of what sort of being would do this…and
then it occurred to him that if this criminal had risked coming out of exile
specifically for the purpose of defiling Kili, he would want it to mean
something. He would take Kili somewhere that had meaning to him.
He knew where they were.
Spinning on his heels, Fili bolted in the opposite direction, back up…toward
their room. This Therin meant to rape his brother on his own bed.
Mahal…Mahal…Fili…please…anyone…save me!
Therin, by the blood of Durin I swear, if you've hurt him, you won't live to
see the inside of a jail cell!
He was out of breath and shaking by the time he reached their door, but he
didn't let that stop him. When the door wouldn't open, he threw his body
against it, screaming furiously.
" KILI! "
When the door wouldn't give, he immediately took his axe to it, tearing through
the wood without any thought but getting to Kili.
When he finally beheld Kili, lying helpless in his bed in the arms of a
stranger with a blade to his neck, he went nearly blind with rage. It took
every ounce of his control not to burst forward and risk harming Kili.
When Thorin and the others finally caught up with Fili, Thorin was almost too
much in shock himself to do anything, but he needn't have worried. Fili was
angered enough for all of them. They all followed Thorin's lead, not indicating
that the situation was anything more than it appeared to be…and when the king
in exile pronounced the penalty of execution, Fili carried out the sentence
only too gladly, finally ending the sad existence of Therin, son of
Farin…beloved of Frerin.
Again…again…I've failed you again.
                                      XxX
While the company did eventually come out of the forest, it was not in a manner
they would have chosen: attacked by spiders and captured by elves.
Kili was bitten by the last spider that attacked him. That round of poison,
combined with the first, had the young prince nearly unconscious by the time
the dwarves were brought to the elven stronghold.
Fili gave it his all trying to break out of the cell; he could hear some of the
others at it, too…until Balin told them to lay off. Fili continued to pace,
though, restless and anxious. Without his personal arsenal, he felt practically
naked. Ever since…what had happened to Kili…he had always carried as many
weapons on his person as he possibly could, having no wish to be caught off
guard ever again. Now he was helpless, completely stripped and unable to
protect his brother, who also lay helpless only a few feet away.
"Filiii," Kili's singsong voice suddenly drifted toward him from his cell.
Immediately, Fili was pressed up against the bars, searching for some sign of
his brother, but he saw nothing in the other cell. Kili must have been lying at
the back of the small space.
"Kili, can you hear me? Are you all right?" Fili pressed, trying to get more of
a response.
"Can…hear. Head's all…spinney," he mumbled distantly. "This…this isn't home."
"No. No, home is…very far away."
"Good. Don't wanna be home. It…it happened…at home."
"I know," Fili said softly, slumping against the bars, sliding down until he
was sitting on the cold floor.
"Don't wanna…go back there…ever," the young prince's voice continued to drift
out of the cell with no sign of movement from within.
"We don't have to," Fili tried to soothe. "We're going to find a new home."
"Mm…home," Kili said, voice slipping into a gentle hum. "Home is…home is with
you. Want to be with you."
"I know. I'm sorry. I'll be with you…just as soon as we get out of here."
"Fili…Fili…Fili…" Kili mumbled several times, until his voice faded out and
Fili could get no further response from him, leaving him to think that maybe
he'd fallen asleep or just lost consciousness. The company was mostly silent
until Thorin was brought back from interrogation with Thranduil. Fili didn't
really hear much of what was said between his uncle and Balin…until he heard
Thorin say his brother's name.
"Huh?" he mumbled, shaking himself out of his half trance.
"How's your brother?"
"I don't know. He hasn't spoken for a while now. I'm hoping he's asleep. He
was…starting to remember again."
At this, another heavy silence descended over the company…which was interrupted
when the elf king himself suddenly made an appearance among them with a few of
his guards.
"You know something, Oakenshield…I believe I've come up with a better way for
us to pass your imprisonment…if you still don't feel up to accepting my offer,
that is."
Thorin glared at the elf, growling something in Khuzdul. Thranduil just shook
his head, sighing.
"A pity. Bring out the boy," he ordered one of the guards.
"What?" Fili snapped when he saw the guard go for Kili's cell. His brother lay
unresisting as the elf dragged him out. He wasn't unconscious, but appeared to
be in some sort of daze, eyes glazed and staring at nothing…almost as if dead.
Quickly, Fili shoved the thought away. "What are you going to do?" he demanded.
"There is pain in this boy…a deep ache. I can sense it. What might happen if my
guardsmen were to…add to it?" he asked, eyes focused on Thorin. Before the king
could say anything, Fili had already pressed himself back up against the bars,
a feral growl rumbling in his chest.
"Thranduil…if you harm him, you will need fear no dragon fire," the golden
prince warned him. "I'll end your miserable immortality myself…as I've done to
all who have harmed him."
Faintly, Kili's eyes focused on him…and he slowly reached out a hand toward
him. "No…Fili…no…"
The elven king gave a soft laugh as he surveyed the elder prince. "And just
what do you expect to do, dwarfling? You are helpless. Your king knows how to
end this. Look to him to stop it."
"Thorin…you aren't going to let them do this, are you?" Fili demanded of his
uncle, almost glad he was unable to see the other dwarf's expression…glad he
didn't have to watch Kili's fate shift in the balance.
"Kili…" Thorin whispered.
"No," Kili groaned, body trembling as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Don't. Doing
this…won't make anything better, Uncle. Don't…don't let them win. It's only
pain."
"No! Kili, no!" Fili shouted, throwing his body against the bars with
everything he was. "Please! You cannot do this!"
"It's okay, Fili," Kili said softly, voice the same warm, gentle tone as if he
were reaching out to hold his brother in his arms. "It's okay."
Fili was not appeased by his brother's soothing, though. He continued to throw
himself against the bars as the guardsmen stripped Kili of his tunic, crying
out as they began to beat him. Kili took it quietly, keeping his eyes fixed on
Fili's, trying to tell him it was okay.
In the end, though, it was not okay. When the torture failed to elicit the
desired response from the dwarf lord, Thranduil shared a look with the two
guardsmen; one looked uncertain, but the other looked…almost excited…and it was
this elf who reached for Kili's belt.
"What are you doing?!" Fili screeched, his struggles only increasing, rather
than decreasing with exhaustion. Angry tears poured down his face as he beat at
the bars.
"If the child's pain does not reach your king…it would seem that more still is
required," Thranduil said, eyes still fixed on Thorin.
"No, please!" Fili cried out as they stripped his lover completely naked.
Vaguely, Kili glanced around, panic starting to set in, but he was still too
weak to resist.
"Wait…wait…stop…not this," he whispered, his voice choked with horror.
"Take me! Take me instead!" Fili begged. "I'll do anything! Just please don't
hurt him! Not like this."
Kili struggled faintly as the two elves forced him to the ground, but he may as
well have been a little insect buzzing about for all the effect it had. One elf
seized his wrists and pinned them above his head while the second, the eager
one, held his hips down.
"No…no…please…anything…mercy," Kili hissed as his legs were forced apart. He
wasn't looking at Fili anymore. He had his eyes closed tightly against what was
happening to him.
"STOP!" Fili screamed. Banging on the bars wasn't doing any good, so he began
to tear at his own skin, fingernails digging into his arms, feeling that he had
to destroy something, accomplish something. He couldn't just watch this happen
to Kili…and be unable to stop it. "Thorin, make it stop! Mahal, stop, stop.
STOP!"
Kili continued his feeble struggling and pleading…right until the elf's hands
ventured exactly where he didn't want them to be…until they were touching what
only Fili should touch. At this, he was gripped by memory and nightmare and he
could no longer hold himself together. He let his head fall back and he
screamed…a broken, wordless sound of such fear and despair, it stilled the
breath of all who heard it. The elf holding his wrists nearly backed away…but
the elf who was straddling him did not stop.
Kili fell limp in their arms after that. His glassy eyes stared vacantly at
nothing…as if something inside had been broken…had been murdered…and all the
while, Fili went on screaming and tearing at his flesh, making himself bleed.
Your fault! Your fault! You did this! Why didn't you protect him?! You promised
him you would protect him! You promised! This is your fault!
When the elves had finally finished with Kili, Thranduil allowed them to drag
him back to his cell, and they left him lying, naked and broken. Thranduil
shook his head mockingly before departing.
Fili didn't bother to ask if his brother was all right. He doubted if he would
ever be all right again…and he himself felt sick with his anger and hatred and
pain. He could almost feel his hate blackening his heart…and he could no longer
make himself care. He could no longer hear Kili's gentle words of forgiveness
and redemption. All that remained was the red in his vision…the red of his own
blood…and the red of Kili's blood…now staining the floor before his cell.
                                       X
They escaped from their peril in the end. Of course. Didn't they always? Their
burglar came through for them…even if it hadn't been in time. Kili could sense
his brother's anger when the blond swept into his cell, gathering him in his
arms and holding him close. Kili couldn't really bring himself to speak. He
just clung to Fili as he cradled him in a loving embrace.
"I'm sorry," Fili whispered against his hair, his face still wet with tears.
"I'm so sorry. I brought you to this. I'm so sorry I didn't protect you."
Kili shook his head, pressing several gentle kisses to Fili's face to soothe
him, unable to move himself to speak. He knew this wasn't his brother's fault.
Fili wouldn't always be able to protect him. This was no one's fault…no one but
the creatures who had done it to him…and the one who had made him so weak to
begin with. He understood this…but still he could not bring his body or his
spirit out of the shock he'd fallen into.
"Come on, lad. We don't have a lot of time," Kili faintly heard Dwalin's voice
calling from the cell entrance. Then he felt Fili nodding.
"All right. Come on. Let's get you dressed," he said softly, helping Kili to
his feet. The younger dwarf kept a hard grip on him all the while, needing to
be able to touch his brother in order to hold himself together…and when they
were ready, the two young princes joined the rest of the company in following
the hobbit to their escape. Kili panicked briefly when he had to be separated
from Fili to be loaded into a barrel, but they were together again soon enough
when the barrels crashed down into the water below, allowing them to drift
together and clasp hands…but just when they were almost free, the elves caught
on to them. It seemed they would go back to Thranduil's dungeon…back to his
guardsmen…and before the distraught young prince could even begin to panic over
that, the situation just continued to get progressively worse…surrounded on all
sides by elves and orcs. Imprisonment on one hand, death on the other…it seemed
there was only one way to escape.
Fili caught his gaze when it shifted between him and the lever to release the
floodgate. Kili could see the warning forming on his lips, but he tore himself
free before Fili could stop him, fighting the pain in his body from the torture
he'd just endured. He was never going back; he would die before he went
back…and he would rather die than allow harm to come to his precious brother.
One way…only one way.
Then he felt the arrow pierce his leg…and the already unbearable pain increased
a hundredfold. The agony was searing…blinding…the world seemed to narrow before
him. All around him there was darkness…save for the lever…the lever that would
bring them salvation. He could faintly hear Fili screaming his name…could hear
the others holding him back. Desperately, he wanted to cry out for him.
Fili, help me. Save me! It hurts. It hurts so much! I'm going to die! Save me,
Brother. Please…my love…don't let this happen.
But Fili couldn't help him. He had to help himself…help Fili. That was the
driving spark that forced him on…past the pain, despair, and darkness. He
almost didn't realize he'd grasped the lever in his hands…not until he heard
the gate open.
He collapsed to the cold stone, feeling the cold and the dark closing
in…suffocating him. He almost felt he would die right there…but then he heard
Fili call his name once more…screaming for him. Fili…he had to get up…he had to
go to Fili.
He had to go home.
He was nearly unconscious by the time he fell back into his barrel, but he
smiled when he felt Fili grasp his hand once more.
"You bloody fool!" he heard his brother hiss in his ear as he held him as close
as he could, what with the barrels being tossed about in the violent arms of
the river. "You were always such a fool!"
Kili wasn't truly aware of their escape down the river. All he could focus on
was Fili's grip on him. It was the only thing that kept him solid…kept him real
in the vastness of his painful waking nightmare. Even the pain of Fili binding
his leg wound wasn't quite enough to draw him back to the world of the living.
He followed wherever his golden-haired brother led. Fili seemed to be the only
light in a world of pain and shifting shadow. He was no longer aware of where
they even were…but there was one pinprick of awareness in the darkness of his
mind…Fili and Thorin talking…as if he wasn't there…couldn't hear them.
"He hasn't said a word since it happened."
"His…his injury is bad."
"Why wouldn't you stop them?"
"What?"
"You heard me, Uncle. You could have stopped it. Why did you let them hurt
him?!"
"Because he was right before. Giving in to them wouldn't have made anything
better. You have not known Thranduil's indifference toward us…his cruelty. His
uncaring hands bore the blood of hundreds of our people. To give into him
now…would be to live all our lives under his boot. I know you don't want that
for your brother…not after what he's suffered."
"He's suffering now! I cannot bear it! To see his eyes so empty…that once shone
with beauty and love and life! No jewel beneath any mountain could shine
brighter. It's like I've lost him, Thorin. It's like he's already dead!"
"Give…just give him time, Fili. He will awake to you. He always has. He will
come back to us…back to you."
"Sometimes a thing is broken that can never be mended. I have given everything
to your rule…my king…I have been a good and loyal nephew to you. Must I now
lose the one thing I cannot live without…to a sin neither he nor I committed?"
"Fili-"
"I cannot live without him, Thorin. You know this. If Kili dies…I will die with
him…and be glad to. I will not live as Therin did. Perhaps in death…the two of
us would finally know peace."
"Fili, please-"
"I will hear no more of it! I will not leave his side again, so don't ask it of
me. If Kili dies, it will not be Therin or Thranduil that killed him. It will
be you."
Desperately, Kili wanted to reach out and comfort his brother, but he couldn't
make his mouth work…couldn't reach out to touch him through the pain and the
dark…and when Thorin commanded him to remain behind, it was not disappointment
at being left that he felt. It was fear…fear of being alone with his
memories…but then he felt Fili's gentle, loving arms around him once
more…guiding him…struggling to hold him above the endless sea he was soon to
drown in.
Fili's light could not hold him up forever, though. It was not only despair
that was poisoning him; it was actual poison…a fever in his body and mind that
he couldn't fight…and as the world went to hell all around him, he lost touch
completely…darkness and heat consuming his heart and leaving him with nothing
but sickness and illusion. Where Fili had stood only moments before, protecting
him, he can now see only Therin.
"WHY?!" he screams at him, pounding his chest with his fists…and when the
nightmare from his past remains unmovable and unmoved, he slowly collapses at
his feet, sobbing, heartbroken. "Why did you do this to me?" he pleads with the
dead dwarf, near to death himself.
For a moment, Therin looks confused. "Did…did I do something?"
"You took my life from me," he insists. "Do you not even know me?!"
"I don't know. I think…I know your face, but…it's been so long. I died…such a
long time ago."
For a moment, Kili feels pity flickering in his heart. He doesn't see the dwarf
who defiled him. He just sees a broken creature. "How did you die?"
"Long ago. So long ago…when the light left my Frerin's eyes."
"And you didn't…follow him?"
"Did I not?" Therin asks, voice heavy with despair. "I must have. I
can't…remember anything more."
"There was more," Kili whispers. "So much more. I wish there wasn't, but there
was."
"I…I failed, then. He made me promise once…that I would live for myself…not
just for him."
"What…what do you mean?" Kili asks, blinking in confusion as Therin kneels with
him.
"I wasn't much…worth living for. I don't know why he loved me. No one else ever
did…but he once said that I had to care for myself the way I cared for him…or
it meant that I thought the thing he loved more than his own life had no value.
Did I really find him of so little worth…that the things he loved were
worthless, too?" he asks, his eyes bright with years of unshed tears.
"No," Kili says, a strange, unknown fear beginning to fill his belly. "That
cannot be. You loved him…didn't you?"
"I don't know anymore. What about you?" he asks, a note of curiosity suddenly
in his voice.
"Me?"
"Do you love your One?"
"Yes," he answers without hesitation.
"And do you love yourself?" he presses, reaching out to touch Kili's face. The
young prince is almost surprised he does not flinch at the contact.
"No…I don't…think so. I'm…soiled," he answers, feeling the old sorrow beginning
to claw at his throat, choking him. "There is no reason for Fili to love me.
He…he is perfect…everything a dwarf could ever dream of."
"And is the soul this perfect One loves…somehow soiled?"
"I…what do you mean?"
"If you think yourself soiled…then your perfect Fili loves something soiled. Do
you think so little of his love?"
"Well…no."
"Then you need to love yourself the way he loves you."
"I…I don't know how."
"Then let him teach you how to love you. Who knows better than he?"
"Is that…even possible?"
"It must be. Why would they ask it of us if it wasn't? If you care about
yourself enough…can anyone really hurt you?"
"I knew you would understand," a new voice says. Kili looks up to
see…well…himself.
"Frerin!" Therin cries out in joy as the other dwarf sweeps him off his feet.
"Mahal, I've missed you! You can't imagine how badly I've missed you."
Kili finds himself somewhat dumbstruck as he watches the joyous reunion. If
this is truly his dead uncle, then he can see where Therin had become obsessed.
This dwarf is the spitting image of him.
"You've been suffering," his reflection says to him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean
for any of this to happen. I just hoped…you would understand…before it was too
late."
"I think…that I do understand," he says softly.
"That's good. I know you and your brother will bring honor to this shadowed
line. Can…can you tell Thorin I'm sorry?"
At first, Kili just nods, but then manages to make his mouth work and whispers,
"Yes."
"Thank you, Kili. It's time for you to wake up now, I think. He still needs
you."
As Frerin speaks, Kili feels his reality beginning to shift once more. The
darkness begins to fall away, replaced with soft white light, and a gentle
voice speaking words he cannot understand, but that comfort him nonetheless. He
sees a somewhat familiar face. Tauriel? More importantly, though, he feels a
hand holding his, his head resting in a familiar lap, and a beloved voice
calling out to him, pleading, whispering his name with infinite tenderness.
"Kili, please. Please don't leave me. Don't leave me here by myself. I can't
live without you. Please, Kili, please! I love you. Don't leave me."
And he doesn't. Somehow he holds onto his brother's love, holding it close to
him and using it as an anchor for his wavering soul…and slowly, the light and
the words draw him back.
When Kili finally woke, he found his brother sitting beside him, their hands
still clasped tightly together. When Fili snapped from his own light doze and
saw him smiling weakly at him, a shocked smile lit his own eyes.
"You came back to me," he whispered, voice breaking as he pulled him into his
arms. Kili returned the embrace as best he could.
"Of course I came back. I wouldn't leave you."
"The she-elf saved your life. Tauriel. She used some sort of elf magic to heal
you."
Kili nodded, knowing that was true, but also knowing there was more to the
truth.
"Not her alone, Nadad. You. I came back for you," he said softly, drawing his
lover down into a gentle, loving kiss. Fili smiled down at him when they
separated to take a breath.
"You can't know how glad I am to see you awake…awake and speaking. Even…even
before the poison set in…it was like you were in a trance. Tauriel says you
should be able to walk again in just a few days."
"I'm all right, Fili," he said quietly, and when the older dwarf did nothing
more than smile at him, he gripped his arm a little harder, looking directly
into his eyes and trying to make him understand by repeating firmly, "I'm all
right."
Comprehension slowly started to dawn in Fili's eyes as he settled himself back
beside him, reaching out a hand to stroke his hair. "You are all right. Do
you…need to talk about it?"
"No…but I think you do. Do you still hate them? The elves?"
Fili thought on it a moment before answering with, "I did…but then Tauriel
risked her life to come and help you. They cannot be all bad…but I hope you do
not mean to ask me to forgive those that hurt you," he said, a quiet snarl
entering his voice.
"No, I don't ask you to forgive…but I don't ask you to avenge me, either. I
want to move on from this. It isn't the elves I'm worried about, though."
"Thorin?" Fili asked quietly after several moments of Kili just staring at him.
When his little brother nodded, he sighed heavily. "So many times…so many
times, he had the power to stop your pain…and he did nothing. I don't know what
to feel anymore, Kili. I want to understand. I want to be a good nephew…but I
just feel so angry…all the time…angry and hurt and betrayed. How could he let
those things happen to you? I don't understand. It's like he did it to me!
Every hurt you suffer is like a scar on my heart. I want to get past it; I just
don't know how! Kili…you asked me once…to show you how to live. Can I ask the
same of you now?" he asked, reaching out a hesitant hand to touch Kili's face.
Kili looked on him with sorrow in his eyes.
"Fili…do you hate him…more than you love me?"
Of all the things Fili had expected to hear, that was certainly not it. Feeling
shocked, he drew back from Kili.
"No! Of course not! I feel nothing in the world as strong as my love for you."
"Really? Because I'm not even sure it's Thorin you're angry at."
"What are you talking about?"
"Twelve years ago…when you held me…after he was dead…and in the cells…when they
forced my legs apart…who was it you hated most in those moments?" Kili asked
him, the expression on his face gentle as he waited for an answer…and as he
thought on it, Fili felt himself begin to tremble.
"Myself," he finally answered, tears stinging at his eyes. "I hated myself. I
was angry at myself."
"Why?" Kili asked, even though he already knew.
"Because I couldn't protect you. I couldn't keep safe the one thing I love
above all others. How can I be worthy of you…if I cannot even keep you from
harm?"
"And do you hate the one thing I love above all others?" he asked quietly.
"I…" Fili could find no words for that. It almost seemed…silly…when put that
way.
"I've hated myself…for being weak…for allowing myself to become a victim…for
being unworthy of you. I've hated myself so much…but how can I hate what you
love?" he asked, reaching out to take Fili's hands in his. "It isn't right…and
how can you hate what I love? We will never know peace…so long as we do not
care for ourselves as we care for each other. It's…the only real way to honor
our love."
For a long while after, the pair didn't speak. They just looked at each other.
Fili didn't realize he was crying until Kili leaned forward to kiss the tears
away.
"Look at me…going on like a dwarfling," Fili mumbled, pulling his baby brother
into his arms. "You make this whole tangled web seem so ridiculous…when you put
it like that."
"I'm ready to live again, Azyungal. Are you?" he asked, smiling at him as he
held his face in his hands.
"Yes. I'm ready," Fili said, kissing him softly. "I'm afraid, though…some of
the things I said…Thorin might be starting to go over the edge."
"Then we need to get back to him. We need to tell him we're all right."
"We'll set out just as soon as you can walk again," Fili said, resting his
forehead against Kili's.
That was the moment the town's warning bells began to ring.
                                       X
There's a swell of cheering from the dwarves as the orcs are turned back,
fleeing for the safety of their stolen halls. Thorin feels the moment of pride,
of his victory, but he also feels a chill of foreboding.
He knows where he is.
" THORIN! " a horrified voice screams…and he follows the familiar path through
his nightmare…the running, the struggle for breath, the shock and disbelief…
…only it isn't his brother lying dead.
It's Fili.
The golden prince, his heir, his sister-son…is lying with his armor rent and
his golden hair matted with blood, blue eyes gazing blankly at nothing. His
head is cradled in Kili's lap.
Kili is devastated. He cradles his love gently, but tears stream endlessly down
his face as horrible, heart-wrenching screams tear from his throat…harrowing,
wordless sounds of ultimate grief and suffering…and when his gaze fixes on
Thorin, his dark eyes become desperate.
"Kill me," he pleads, voice echoing another plea the king had been unable to
grant.
"Kili-"
"Kill me…please…before I become like him…kill me…kill me."
"I…I can't- "
" Kill me! " he cries out, pulling away from Fili's body and crawling to him,
grasping desperately at his feet. "If you cannot protect me, Uncle…can you not
at least give me peace? Please…send me to be with my brother."
"How can you ask me to give both of you up?!" he snarls as he shoves Kili away.
The boy just lies on the bloodstained ground, crying and laughing, already half
mad.
"You already have lost both of us. Kill me now. Just end it! "
"Kili…please…"
" KILL ME! "
"NOOO!" Thorin screamed as he bolted awake from the nightmare. It took him
several minutes to realize he was not trapped in the midst of a fight he could
never win. He was in the treasure room of Erebor. Smaug was dead. His enemies
were closing in around him…and Fili and Kili were alive. Alive!
He'd gone near out of his mind thinking his two nephews had burned with
Esgaroth…and then near out of his mind with relief when they had come back to
him alive. They had both seemed different, but he hadn't truly put much thought
into what that difference was. He had immediately withdrawn inside the mountain
with the rest of the company, near dragging Fili and Kili to its perceived
safety. He'd refused to treat with either the men or the elves.
It wasn't so much that he wanted the mountain's riches for himself. In fact,
now that he saw the glittering horde, it did not seem as lovely as it had when
he was young. It was simply that he did not want to share this wealth with they
that had hurt his nephews. Thranduil was a villain more times over than could
be counted, and even though the treacherous weasel who had ruled Lake Town was
no longer in charge, Bofur and Oin had informed him the man had intended to use
Fili and Kili as leverage to get his grubby hands on a share of the treasure
before they'd made their escape in the aftermath of Smaug's wrath. Really, the
greedy fool needn't have worried. He'd fully intended to give the people their
fair share…right up until this plot had come to light. Now he would see to it
none of those grasping little goblins ever saw a single gold coin. He would
have no living soul profit from harming his nephews. They had come to too much
harm already.
Bilbo had reluctantly given the Arkenstone over to him after the treachery of
the elves and men had been revealed to him, and in the name of the king's
jewel, Thorin had called out to Dain, calling for his cousin's aid. He was
confident they could hold out here until a contingent from the Iron Hills
arrived. Their enemies would regret ever tangling with the dwarves.
"Thorin?" he suddenly heard a small voice call out to him. The king looked up
to see their burglar moving toward him from around a pile of gems, followed
closely by Fili and Kili. "Are you all right?"
"Fine, Bilbo. Only the darkening dreams of an addled mind. They mean nothing.
We are safe here," he said, his gaze briefly shifting to his two sister-sons.
"Thorin," Fili began quietly, sitting down beside him. "You have not spoken a
word to Kili or I since we returned to you."
Thorin sighed heavily, his eyes alighting on the bandages wrapped around Fili's
arms before he looked away from his golden heir. "Must we go through it again,
Fili? I already know your thoughts of your uncle and I do not begrudge you
them. You have every right…only don't make me hear it again. I can bear your
hate…so long as you are both alive and safe to feel anything at all. Will you
not leave me to my shame?" he pleaded, drawing a knee up to his chest, but
resisting the urge to curl fully into himself. Whether or not they knew it,
they still needed him…still needed him to be strong.
"We don't hate you, Uncle," he heard Kili's voice plying softly at his ear,
hearing the clink of gold as the younger also knelt beside him.
"Why not?"
"Why should we? None of it was your fault…not really. I don't hate anyone. Hate
is a poison in the blood just as vile as what the orcs used against me."
"If you continue this senseless conflict with Bard and Thranduil, the only ones
it will hurt is us…hiding in this dead mountain," Fili said.
"What would you have me do?" Thorin hissed. "To treat with them now…how is it
different from when I let Therin go free? How can I make alliance with
them…when they've hurt you? The dragon is dead. The mountain is ours again.
Nothing else matters…nothing but keeping all of you safe," he said, gazing
among the three of them…the only family he had left…and the halfling he'd
become so close with. Bilbo was the last to kneel before him, forcing their
eyes to lock together with a fierce gaze of his own.
"Thorin…I might have been afraid to call you out once, but I have since faced
down a dragon. Forgive me if I don't find Thorin Oakenshield at all
intimidating anymore."
Thorin smiled sadly at the fierce little hobbit, almost wanting to chuckle.
"All right, little one. Speak your mind."
"I did not give you the Arkenstone for you to spread more anger and hatred. I
did it because I didn't realize what Thranduil had done and I was shocked…and I
saw how you wanted to keep Fili and Kili safe. But now…now you won't even look
at them. Is this how you keep them from harm? Speak to them. Hear what they
have to say. We don't have to fight. I don't want to see you do this to
yourself."
"What can I do, Bilbo? What but atone for my sins?" he asked softly, reaching
out a hand to touch the halfling's hairless cheek.
"Yes," Kili began quietly. "It's true. Thranduil hurt me…but Tauriel and
Legolas saved my life. I would have died were it not for them. Lake Town's
master meantto hurt us…but Bard was the one who gave us shelter when we were
most in need…even though it wasn't in his best interest. We cannot close our
hearts against all elves…or all men…for the deeds of but a few. Do you hate all
dwarves…for what Therin did to me?"
Thorin flinched at the mention of his former friend. Therin was the source of
all of it…yet it wasn't him that he hated. It wasn't the elves or the men or
even the dragon. It was something deeper…
"Uncle…it wasn't your fault," Kili repeated gently. "It wasn't anyone's fault.
I don't want anyone to suffer for it anymore."
Finally, Thorin looked at Kili, the one who had suffered most of all…the one he
had no right to even look at…and did not see the pain he'd expected to see in
his eyes…the cracking front of a little child trying so desperately to be
strong. No. He saw compassion…healing and light. The helpless, injured soul he
had been was washed away when stood beside the dwarf he had become.
"You hate yourself…don't you?" Fili asked him…and when he heard the words, he
knew they were true.
"Yes," he whispered, realizing that Fili and Kili had confronted this in
themselves as his two sister-sons and the hobbit all moved in to embrace him.
"Please, Thorin…please. No more hatred; it has to stop," Kili pleaded with them
as the three of them held him, soothing and loving…and as the tears he'd held
back for so long slowly began to spill down his face, he nodded.
"You are right," he said, looking to the three that he loved so much, a smile
at his mouth, but tears in his eyes. When he looked past them, he saw that the
rest of the company had also gathered around them: Balin, Dori and Nori, Oin
and Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur…and Dwalin and Ori…standing together. He'd
never told his best friend how happy he was for them…and he would have risked
destroying their love in combat…right along with Fili and Kili's love…and
Bilbo…
"We'll go to them in the morning."
                                       X
"Fili! Kili!" Thorin called desperately as he wandered the bloodstained
battlefield, searching for his nephews.
Just because the dwarves had cemented an alliance with the elves and the men of
Lake Town didn't necessarily prevent war. They had still been attacked by an
army of goblins and orcs, but they had thankfully been able to put up a fully
united front against their enemies. Only Thorin had lost track of his sister-
sons during the fighting…and when Bilbo ran toward him with a look of
hopelessness in his eyes, his heart sank even further.
"Nothing," Bilbo reported. "I've had no sign of them."
"We've got to find them. We've got to find them!" he repeated several times as
he and Bilbo continued the search together. He wasn't sure whether to feel
relief or terror when Dwalin's voice finally called out to them.
"Over here! We've found 'em!"
Once again, Thorin was pounding across blood-soaked ground, the only sound the
harshness of his own breath, loud in his ears.
Please. Please. Please! Mahal, have mercy!
Kili was helping Fili to walk up from a hollow piled high with dead orcs. Oin
and Ori were rushing to help, but when Thorin reached them, they both collapsed
before him.
"Oh, Mahal," he whispered, joining them on the ground. "You…you're not…please
don't-"
Rather than grief and pain in his eyes, though, Kili was smiling when he looked
up at him. "Just a few flesh wounds…and something a little deeper on the
dwarfling here. We're fine, Uncle."
Thorin returned Kili's smile…but still didn't quite believe him until Oin had
given them a brief glance over and nodded his agreement.
"Thorin," Fili groaned, pain lacing his voice as he looked up at him, "we want
you…to marry us."
For a moment, the king was slightly stunned. Whatever he'd been expecting, that
certainly wasn't it. "But we…nothing's been prepared. We can't yet reach the
Sanctuary-"
"We don't care," Kili insisted. "We can have an official version later, if
you'd like, but we don't want to wait one second longer. We want to be married.
You have the power…please…let us have this."
"All…all right," Thorin finally stuttered, laying his hands on their shoulders.
Smiling helplessly, he looked to those members of the company who had managed
to join them. "Are those present willing to stand as witnesses?"
One by one, they all nodded their consent, even Bilbo, though he didn't fully
understand what was happening. Thorin knew that he didn't need any long-winded
speeches for this moment. His two sister-sons wanted only the words…the words
that would bind them together just as tightly in flesh as they already were in
soul. Slowly, Thorin dropped his hands to theirs, joining them together.
"When the Maker first fashioned our kind…at the beginning of the world…he made
a promise to each of the Seven Fathers: that he would fashion for each of them
a twin soul…a love to make their lives complete…a partner to share both joy and
sorrow. That covenant has been kept…and will be kept…for all of time. We are
not so lucky as the First Fathers…to have our twin souls just given to us…but
still, for each dwarf born, there is made another. There is One…One whose soul
is made for each one of us…as ours are made for them. Some never find that
precious One…and others still are kept from each other…but when we find our
One…it is a more beauteous treasure than anything that lies beneath earth and
stone. Now, as it was in the beginning, and shall be ever more, two souls have
found that precious promise in each other…and have become stronger, better, and
wiser than they ever could have been alone. Fili, son of Vili, prince of
Erebor," he said, turning to his heir. "Do you swear to honor, protect, provide
for, and love the dwarf at your side for all of your days to come?"
"I so swear," Fili said, though he looked ready to collapse completely. "The
strength of my arm and my heart shall be given for his sweet sake."
"Kili, son of Vili, do you swear to honor, protect, provide for, and love the
dwarf at your side for all of your days to come?"
"I so swear," Kili echoed, nothing able to dampen the smile in his lovely dark
eyes. "The love of my soul and the breath in my body shall be given for the
sake of he whom my soul loves above all others."
"Then, with the blessings of the First Father in my veins, and with the joining
of your hands, I pronounce the two of you wed, joined for all your life, and
beyond death," he announced, kissing their joined hands before moving back from
them, allowing the pair their moment.
In that moment, the two brothers just gazed at each other. They had put this
off, probably much longer than they should have, with so many excuses piling up
around them…and now, in the wake of battle…of nearly losing each other…they
were finally joined…secure in their love for each other and the strength of
their bond to overcome even the impossible. Smiling with tears burning in their
eyes, they threw their arms around each other and kissed, their passion for
each other a hundred times deeper and stronger than any hatred or sorrow that
had come before had ever been.
There was more still to come, of course, much more. Rebuilding a fallen kingdom
would not be an easy task…nor would burying the dead or hunting out the last of
the enemy. A great many challenges lay ahead for the young royal pair and their
companions, but for the moment, the two were content to bask in their wedded
bliss…to feel the sweet press of lips and the comforting grip of hands, and to
hear the tender whisper of 'I love you' through the cold wind that swept
through the hard won field of battle.
Chapter End Notes
     Well, hopefully this is a nice solid bit of closure for this world. I
     suppose I just had to horrify myself a little, as I tend to do when I
     write about Therin. This particular world is closed, I think, but we
     may not have seen the last of this tragic villain. And yes, for those
     of you beginning to wonder what happened to them, the next story will
     be a fairy tale.
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