Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3328052.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage, Rape/Non-Con
  Category:
      F/M, M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Relationship:
      Castiel/Dean_Winchester, Castiel/John_Winchester, John_Winchester/Mary
      Winchester, Castiel/Crowley, Lisa_Braeden/Dean_Winchester, Gabriel/Kali,
      Balthazar/Castiel, Castiel/Other(s)
  Character:
      Castiel_(Supernatural), Dean_Winchester, John_Winchester, Crowley_
      (Supernatural), Mary_Winchester, Sam_Winchester, Balthazar_
      (Supernatural), Gabriel_(Supernatural), Kali_(Supernatural), Ruby_
      (Supernatural), Bobby_Singer, Jo_Harvelle, Michael_(Supernatural), Nora_
      (Supernatural)
  Additional Tags:
      First_Time, Pining, Mutual_Pining, Underage_-_Freeform, slow-ish_build,
      Spanning_years, Frottage, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, Rimming, Mild_come
      eating, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering, Mild_to_less_mild_dub-con, AU-
      Familyland, OOC-ness, sorry..., Varying_Chapter_Length, top!dean,
      bottom!Castiel, submissive!castiel, Douche!John, possessive!dean,
      Greedy!John, Denial!Castiel, Whore-ish!Castiel, Indecisive!Castiel,
      Determined!Dean, Needy!Castiel, Supportive!Same, Oblivious!Mary, Feelings
      of_ownership, Beloning, Repressing_of_feelings, Loss_of_Innocence,
      Implied/Referenced_Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism, Sex_Addiction, Sex_as_Coping
      Mechanism, Alcohol_as_coping_mechanism, Codependence, living_in_the_past,
      Angst, Confusing_sex, Surprisingly_helpful_Crowley, Rape, Talks_about
      rape, Rape-denial, Dirty_Talk, Trigger_warnings_included_in_some
      chapters, Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending, Song-fic-ish, Though_not_so_much, No
      Spoilers, Porn_without_Plot_turned_Porn_with_Plot, they_made_me_do_it,
      Not_Beta_Read
  Series:
      Part 1 of Drowning
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-02-10 Completed: 2015-02-28 Chapters: 24/24 Words: 54403
****** Rivulets of Drunken Dreams ******
by zation
Summary
     Uncle Castiel is not Dean’s uncle. Not really. He’s dad’s former
     lover, turned best friend, who sometimes lives with them. And he’s
     certainly not the person to make Dean’s heart ache and not the person
     to make Dean’s treacherous dick twitch. No sir, he is not.
     Or,
     The one where almost everyone is gay-ish and/or easy and there’s lots
     of random, kinda unrealistic sex going on.
Notes
     So, just a couple of things:
     1. I’m picturing young John (Matt Cohen) and young Mary (Amy
     Gumenick) in this one, but you are of course free to picture whomever
     you want.
     2. If you haven’t read the tags, still read and then decide to flame
     something mentioned in the tags, shame on you. They’re there for a
     reason.
     3. All of the titles are bits of lyrics from Maroon 5’s Payphone
     (explicit version feat. Wiz Khalifa)
     Happy read!
***** 1984 *****


                     *** I would still be holding you ***


John tossed Castiel a shirt but stayed bent over in his and Mary’s closet,
still digging.
Try that one.
Cas sighed. If I inconvenienced you I should just go.
John straightened. What are you talking about?
Cas shook his head before pulling his tee off and shrugging on the shirt. I
should’ve called.
Bullshit. John turned back to the closet and started pulling out a couple of
ties. It wasn’t that formal but he knew Cas liked to look his best. And Mary
would appreciate it too.
He picked a couple that he thought would fit the shirt but just for the heck of
it he chose one to match his own. What a gag, he thought and turned to hold the
options up before Cas’ clothed chest.
It’s just Mary’s mother’s birthday. He mumbled thoughtfully and tried to decide
between either the grey or the blue one. And you know you’re family, Mary
thinks so too, you don’t have to call. How can you still not get it after all
these years?
I know. Cas mumbled, his deep voice a small rumble in his chest and if John
leaned a little closer he imagined he could almost feel the vibrations. But
still, Cas continued. We said I would back off, I’m not very good at it.
John’s eyes snapped up to Cas’ piercing blue ones. You said Cas, I never
wanted... He said sharply but stopped himself when Cas winced. He sighed. Now,
he looked down to the ties again. Which one?
Cas sighed too. Does it matter?
John barely noticed Cas’ answer but realized with a start that he was resting
his hands against the other man’s chest. Too close, he thought distractedly,
I’m too close. Cas’ scent was intoxicating.
It had been so many years now. So many years since the last touch, since the
last love-filled whisper. God, John couldn’t even remember their last time
together. Had it been only them then? Where had it been?
We made the right decision, John thought, closing his eyes as he felt Cas lean
just a little bit into his touch.
The moment broke when the door to his and Mary’s bedroom creaked open. They
didn’t exactly fly apart but when John looked up Cas was much farther away from
him than strictly necessary, even for straight men.
Daddy?
Dean. John sighed and sounded much too relieved for his own liking. Even Cas
was looking funnily at him. What is it son? he asked as his five-year-old
padded into the room.
Mommy’s asking what’s taking so long. Dean answered dutifully but he walked
right past his father and straight to Cas, lifting his arms and silently
begging for Cas to pick him up. He always did favor his step-uncle.
Cas smiled, his whole face all toothy grin and crinkles as he hoisted the boy
into his arms. John was always glad to see Cas together with Dean, with any of
his sons. He had been afraid Cas would hate them, or at least what they
represented but he should’ve known. It just wasn’t in Castiel’s nature to hate
and John should know. Sometimes he thought Cas was stupid for not hating John.
Sometimes he thought it would’ve been easier if he had.
Well, dad and I were just picking out a tie for me. Cas said and nosed at the
boy’s neck, making Dean squeak and giggle.
You’re wearing daddy’s clothes. He remarked, much too observant for his age,
John thought proudly.
I know honey. Cas answered and positioned Dean on his hip, refusing to
acknowledge the boy’s weight. I came horribly unprepared to celebrate granny’s
day, didn’t I? Can’t show up in jeans and a tee for granny. He mumbled and
straightened Dean’s own dress shirt.
Dean tried to roll his eyes like John sometimes did when Cas said nonsense. It
made him look dizzy and John and Cas both laughed at him.
Help us chose a tie little man. Johan said and held the two up for his son to
see but Dean was looking at Cas’ smiling face.
I like your tees. He stated firmly and Cas smiled even wider.
I know sweetie, but this is a tie-event. He said and nodded to John’s
outstretched hands.
Dean considered the ties but quickly decided. Blue. He pointed and laid his
head on Cas’ shoulder as John put the other one back.
And if John took extra care to do the tie for Cas himself — if Cas craned his
neck just slightly more than necessary — they could both blame it on Dean not
leaving Cas’ embrace and none would be the wiser.


***** 05-30-1989 *****
Chapter Notes
     Trigger warnings: Underaged, Loss of innocence, Very mild dubious
     consent


                *** Part 1: All of my change I spent on you ***


Dean and Gabriel stayed even after the last bell had tolled. The school emptied
fast enough but the schoolyard would be filled with children long after and the
boys loved to stay and play. At least, Dean did. Sometimes he thought Gabriel
stayed because he didn’t want to go home but Dean couldn’t be certain. He had
only been to Gabe’s house one time and he didn’t like it. It was dirty and
smelled strange. None of Gabe’s parents had been home but his friend had seemed
more relieved than sad at that and it had made Dean a little uncomfortable.
Have you seen the new Indiana Jones? Gabriel asked as they paused at the very
top of the jungle gym.
No. Dean answered truthfully but avoided his friend’s eye. He hadn’t actually
seen any of the movies. They seemed a little scary to him and he wasn’t certain
his parents would let him see them. He didn’t want to tell his friend that
though so he just kept silent and watched out for his father’s black Impala.
Dean loved the days that dad was the one to pick him up because he was almost
always a little late and that meant more time to play with Gabe.
Michael says Indy’s father’s in this one. Michael was Gabriel’s much older
brother so Dean supposed he would know.
Dean scrunched up his nose. Wouldn’t he be old? he wouldn’t really know because
he had only seen the movie posters but Indiana Jones seemed kind of old too,
definitely older than dad at least.
Gabriel snorted. Well, Dean-o, we can’t all have children for fathers. He
drawled and Dean rolled his eyes but decided not to engage. He knew his parents
had been young when they had him. He had compared them to other parents at the
PTA:s but he didn’t mind. In fact, he thought that made them much livelier and
he liked that. Besides, Gabriel was just jealous because his parents weren’t as
great as Dean’s.
However, before Dean had thought of a way to change the subject he heard a
familiar rumble. Turning, he could see the Impala and he was about to groan in
displeasure from the early pick-up when he caught the driver’s features. Uncle
Cas, he thought and practically bounced off the jungle gym without a glance at
Gabriel.
He loved his Uncle Castiel, who, of course, wasn’t his real uncle but he and
Dean’s dad were so close everyone always thought they were brothers.
Dean secretly thought Uncle Cas was cooler than dad. He was more laid-back and
when he smiled he showed all his teeth and his face kind of lit up. Everyone
was always happy when Uncle Cas was around, Dean especially.
Dean only realized he had jogged to the curb when he had to stop abruptly
before running head-long into the car as it slid to a stop.
Hello Dean. Uncle Cas smiled and leaned out the open window.
Uncle Cas. Dean panted a little and smiled back. When did you get back?
Uncle Cas had a job in marketing, that was the extent of Dean’s knowledge of
the other man’s life outside of Dean’s family. He had a tiny one-bedroom
apartment downtown and he divided his time between sleeping there, working and
staying with the Winchesters, where he slept on a pull out couch in the spare
room. His work often took him out of town for long periods of time and Dean
hated that. Sammy usually teased him when he would pout about Uncle Cas
leaving. Sam was four years younger than Dean but he handled those moments of
farewell much better than Dean and Dean was a little ashamed of that. Uncle Cas
would just smile and tell him there was no shame in missing someone important.
Sometimes, if Sammy wasn’t looking, he would hug Dean and kiss him on the top
of his head. Though less frequently now as Dean grew older and Dean hated that
but never said anything.
This morning. Uncle Cas answered and looked Dean up and down. Did you grow?
Dean straightened a little, preening under the attention. Almost an inch. He
boasted and only lied a little.
Uncle Cas laughed. Dean loved the sound, deep and rich. In only two weeks?
You’re gonna outgrow both me and John.
At the mention of his father, Dean bent down and quickly scanned the car.
Where’s dad?
Stuck at work. Uncle Castiel shrugged. I told him I could pick you up, figured
we could hang out a bit before we pick him up and head home.
Dean’s stomach felt like it was doing somersaults and his hands got clammy, all
in the span of a couple of seconds but he had never felt happier. A whole
afternoon alone with Uncle Cas! But as he nodded and turned around to get his
backpack from beneath the jungle gym he spotted Gabriel sitting on top of it,
looking forlorn.
Dean bit his lip. On the one hand he didn’t want to share his time with Uncle
Cas. He didn’t know why but he felt overly possessive over the older man,
having hardly introduced him to any of Dean’s friends. On the other hand he
felt bad for Gabriel.
Dean?
He turned when he heard Uncle Cas. Um… he shifted. Can my friend come too? he
asked lowly but not really knowing why he felt awkward asking Uncle Cas
something like that. He didn’t really think Uncle Cas would get mad; he didn’t
even know if the older man could get mad.
Uncle Cas just smiled. Of course Dean. Dean smiled too, feeling like he could
ask the older man for anything and Uncle Cas would give it to him. You know
what, it’s Friday; what do you say we splurge and go get ice cream? He leaned
further out and whispered conspiratorially: Before dinner.
Dean giggled before turning and calling Gabriel over to them.


                  *** Part 2: Where have the times gone? ***


Best. Dinner. Ever. Castiel sighed happily and leaned back in his seat on the
couch, patting his stomach. He felt content.
He was with his favorite people in his favorite home, stuffed full on Mary’s
excellent cooking and baking, pleasantly buzzed from the wine and alcohol they
had shared after they’d sent the boys to bed. Dean had complained a little,
insisting that he was old enough to stay, even as his eyes had begun drooping.
Castiel had just kissed him on the head and ushered him up the stairs along
with Mary and Sam.
You would know, you ate half of it. John teased, his slurred speech a certain
indicator of his intoxicated state.
Castiel laughed as Mary swatted her husband on his shoulder. John! she chided
playfully. I did cook it for Cas.
I know. John laughed, eyes crinkling, and pulled his wife closer. Never such
delicious meals for me, should I be jealous? he mumbled and swallowed her
response with a sloppy kiss. She squealed, not quite as taken with the alcohol
as her husband but buzzed enough to let him continue for a while.
Castiel just watched them with lidded eyes. Too tired to say anything and too
tired to get up.
Beautiful, he mused silently and wanted to lift a hand to touch. Gods, has it
really been ten years?
At the moment, frozen beside his best friends, it seemed only yesterday that he
shared their bed. And the last time he kissed only John? He didn’t even want to
think about it. It felt like yesterday and yet like a billion years ago. Had he
ever been with them? Had he ever been the only one?
He sat, slumped into the couch and watched his lover — no, his best friend, now
— make out with someone else and all he could think about was the time, how
fast it had flown. How it was standing still. Even as a heavy rain started
smattering against the windows he felt as if time was still. But of course, it
had flown quite normally. By now they were well over the ten-year mark, Dean’s
birth having been almost half a year ago.
At a thought of the boys Castiel actually smiled. At least something good had
come out of all the hurt.
And, as if they had heard his thoughts, there was suddenly a loud crash coming
from upstairs. In the otherwise silent house they all heard it quite clearly
and seconds after there was a high pitched shriek followed by yelling.
Mary sighed and slid off the couch. I told you John. She muttered and started
for the stairs. They need their own rooms by now.
They need sleep at this hour is what they need. John laughed and she poked out
her tongue before heading upstairs to the ruckus.
She’s probably right though. Castiel commented and tossed back the last of his
Jack.
John eyed him for a while and Castiel busied himself with pouring another drink
for them both.
I’m sorry. John suddenly rasped and Castiel looked back over his shoulder at
his friend.
For what? he asked, genuinely surprised. Castiel leaned back and cocked his
head to the side when John only looked away. John?
It wasn’t… John drew a shuddering breath and Castiel decided in that moment to
blame whatever came out next on all the alcohol. I didn’t mean to… he looked
Castiel in the eye and Castiel was shocked to see them teary. This isn’t what I
promised you.
Oh… Castiel looked down at his hands in his lap. He knew full well what John
was referring to. You didn’t grow up with someone, fall in love with them and
spend all your adolescence with them without acquiring a certain understanding
of their mindset. Still, he didn’t think it was fair of John to bring their
whispered promises up at this late stage. Why now? Was what he thought but he
only bit back the tears, as usual.
Cas? John had shifted closer.
I know John, he looked up, trying to smile his usual smile but probably
failing. But I can hardly blame you for something you said during sex. You’re
not that bright to begin with. He winked but John’s eyes told him it didn’t
work.
Cas… John whispered and Castiel wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what came next.
Sometimes I wish… he was sliding ever closer and Castiel couldn’t move away for
the life of him. I wish…
John, don’t. Castiel moaned, his heart aching. You can’t take it back now. This
was the arrangement we agreed upon.
John’s lips were almost at Castiel’s, his breath puffing against Castiel’s
cheek and his thumb caressing the other man’s jaw.
I shouldn’t have agreed.
Please don’t say that. But Castiel was inclining his head even as he spoke, his
treacherous body turning to the other man. Ten years already.
And yet, here on the couch with John it felt like ten hours.
The kiss started out tentative, a barely there peck, but as Castiel leaned his
body even closer, John tilted his head back and the kiss deepened quickly. Soon
they were pawing at each other, the kissing sloppy and wet, tongues fighting
without a real winner and through the Jack Daniels-induced haze Castiel could
feel his body responding. John was familiar, his body, his preferences, the way
he pawed at Castiel and his scent.
Castiel inhaled deeply as John started kissing down his neck and he moaned,
almost more affected by the man’s scent than his ministrations. When he slid
down to lay on the couch Johan followed easily, slotting himself between
Castiel’s open legs like he never left and perhaps in this stormy night they
could pretend he never had.
When Castiel closed his eyes he could almost believe they were back to their
teenage years, living together in the dorm rooms at school and jerking each
other off every night.
His dick twitched in his confining jeans and John responded by growling into
Castiel’s neck and grounding down hard. Castiel gasped and unconsciously opened
his legs further. He was starved for this. Starved for sex overall but mostly
starved for John. None of Castiel’s other lovers satisfied him as John had. Or
maybe it was because he didn’t let them? He couldn’t really answer, or wouldn’t
answer, and it anyway didn’t feel important in this moment. Not with John
grinding his hard-on against Castiel’s, licking Castiel’s neck and skimming his
hands up under Castiel’s shirt.
Castiel was delirious and he didn’t think he could blame the alcohol anymore.
He moaned wantonly when John grazed a nipple and arched his back to get closer
to John’s hand, to the heat between his legs, to everything.
So fucking sexy. John growled. So ready for me.
Y-yes. Castiel gasped, feeling dangerously close already. He felt so easy he
knew he should be ashamed and he would be if it had been anyone else other than
John.
But then came the turning-point and Castiel wanted to cry, for a lot of
reasons.
John?
Mary was calling from the top of the stairs so there was no chance she had seen
them, and probably hadn’t heard them either. Yet.
John was staring at Castiel, all big frightened eyes and Castiel swallowed and
did what he always did; rescued the man he loved.
John’s sleeping. He called back, voice surprisingly steady but all he wanted to
do about that was cry.
Could you wake him? Mary didn’t seem to be moving closer, thank God. I want to
set up the other spare bed in the play den.
Castiel didn’t have to guess what had been going on upstairs. Obviously Dean
had tired of sleeping in the same room as his little brother and demanded the
play den be his like they’d talked about for a while. And obviously he wanted
it right now.
Of course. Castiel answered and both men relaxed visibly when they heard Mary’s
steps leaving the stairs.
Cas, I—
Castiel put a hand on John’s shoulder, pushing just enough to let the other man
know it was time to move. Not now John.
John sat up and Castiel didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed that
John’s hard-on had so easily deflated. He covered his own lap with his hands.
But I— John started again but Castiel’s stare silenced him.
Enough John. He said sternly, feeling anger take the place where there had only
been sadness and confused arousal. Go tend to your family. I will go… he
glanced down at his lap and felt very conscious of John’s gaze. I will go to
the spare room soon.
John swallowed and looked nervous but collected enough to handle the situation.
As John left him alone on the couch Castiel didn’t know whom he hated the most.
Himself, most probably.


                     *** Part 3: Expect me to be fine ***


As the first thunder rolled over the house and Dean started really regretting
his decision. He had wanted the play den to be his very own room for a very
long time but demanding it in the middle of the night had maybe not been so
wise.
He lay in his make-shift bed, staring wide-eyed at the window as the rain
lashed at it and flash after flash lit up the room. Dad had said he would be
getting the blinds up tomorrow and Dean had been okay with that — he had! — but
that had been before the thunder.
The shadows grew longer and shorter as the light came and went and he got it in
his head that they were creeping closer. Just as a new loud boom sounded just
outside, Dean ducked down beneath the covers and missed Sam.
He wouldn’t admit it to anyone that he was afraid of the thunder because he was
ten years old and that was practically an adult but Sam was still little and it
didn’t matter if he was the one to creep into Sam’s bed or the other way
around, the point was that he could blame it on Sam not liking the thunder and
he could get comfort all for free.
Now, however.
The familiar room seemed strange in the barely-there light and outside there
was only blackness between the flashes. He really wished he hadn’t demanded his
own room on this night.
But he had just been so angry. Uncle Cas was finally home and they were
celebrating a little and then they sent him to bed with Sam. He was four years
older than Sam! He hadn’t even been that tired. All he had wanted was to spend
a little more time with Uncle Cas but no dice. Stupid parents.
At the thought of his uncle Dean lifted the covers off his head again. He
couldn’t very well run to Sam or his parents for protection against the storm.
He had made it clear that he was old enough to be on his own and he would never
live down the embarrassment. Uncle Cas however… Uncle Cas would never judge him
and the spare room he slept in was closer than both Sam’s and his parents’
room.
The next boom was the loudest yet and definitely helped him make up his mind.
With a bounce he was out of bed and half-way down the hall before he even
noticed it himself.
The door to the spare room was closed but he didn’t bother knocking. He did,
however, open it slowly and peeked timidly through the crack.
Uncle Cas? he whispered and tried to make out the other man on the pull-out.
There was no answer but with the lightning at his back Dean could clearly see
the shape of the man beneath the covers.
He padded in and closed the door as soundlessly as he could.
Uncle Cas? he asked again, a little louder, when he was standing over the older
man. It was hard to tell in the dark but his eyes were accustomed enough for
him to see that Uncle Cas was laying on his back, one arm slung over his head,
sleeping steadily.
Dean weighed his options. He could just give up and go back to his cold bed but
that didn’t particularly interest him. He could, of course, shake Uncle Cas’
shoulder and wake the man. He was pretty sure Uncle Cas wouldn’t be mad or
anything but as Dean looked at the man’s peacefully sleeping face he thought it
rather cruel. After all, he only wanted a warm body to curl up against as the
thunder rolled past, just to feel comforted. He could achieve that with Uncle
Cas asleep just as much as with him awake.
Making up his mind, Dean pulled on the covers and climbed into bed beside his
uncle. It was very warm and Uncle Cas shifted as if to unconsciously
accommodate the extra body in his bed. Dean wondered if Uncle Cas often slept
with other people in his bed. He knew that it didn’t happen when his uncle was
here but he couldn’t say about what Uncle Cas did in his apartment. Somehow it
made Dean angry to think about so he decided not to.
He shimmied down lower to lie against Uncle Cas’ side but the covers caught in
something and when he yanked it free Uncle Cas’ body jerked. It looked funny so
Dean did it again and this time Uncle Cas turned his head as if to hide in the
crook of his own arm. Dean thought he heard a noise escape Uncle Cas but the
thunder made it hard to heard properly.
More intrigued by this than scared of the thunder, Dean sat up and pulled off
the covers completely. What he saw stopped him dead in his tracks.
The front of Uncle Cas’ boxer briefs stood almost straight up. Dean was not
stupid; he knew that Uncle Cas’ penis was supposed to be underneath. What he
didn’t know, however, was why the boxer briefs were standing up. It looked
funny so he stretched out a hand and touched them.
This made a new noise escape Uncle Cas and this time Dean heard it. It sounded
small and throaty and Dean snatched his hand away, looking at it incredulously.
It had felt warm and hard and it made Dean’s fingers tingle.
He put a hand on his own briefs and decided that, yes, his area also felt warm
but not close to the temperature that was pouring off of Uncle Cas and
definitely not as hard. Dean knew that he was alright but he had never seen a
man like Uncle Cas was now and he got a little scared, what if something was
wrong?
Deciding to be brave, he lifted shaky fingers to the hem of Uncle Cas’ boxer
briefs and pulled it down. It got stuck on the hardness, which made it a little
difficult but Dean just put his hand in the boxer briefs and pulled out what he
now could see definitely was Uncle Cas’ penis.
It smacked back against the older man’s flat stomach just as Dean let go of the
hem, making the boxer briefs cling to Uncle Cas’ balls just under his penis.
It all happened very fast and when Uncle Cas arched his back a little and
outright moaned Dean snatched his hands back, afraid he had woken the other
man.
His eyes flicked between Uncle Cas’ face and his clearly engorged penis but the
older man didn’t seem to be waking up. He did, however, shift and roll his hips
up into nothing once.
Dean had seen Uncle Cas naked on a number of occasions. In the bathroom and in
the bathhouse downtown just to mention two, but he had never ever seen his
uncle like this. Dean had compared himself to Uncle Cas on one occasion but
Uncle Cas had just laughed and told him that he was still growing. Uncle Cas
seemed much bigger now than he had then, had he grown too?
Dean leaned closer. Uncle Cas’ penis was hard and straight, hanging heavily
against his stomach and though it was hard to tell in the dark Dean was pretty
certain that it was darker than usual.
He peered up at Uncle Cas’ face but when he saw no signs of him waking up he
tentatively reached out and touched the penis again, this time taking his time
to skim his little fingers along the whole length of it.
The penis jumped at the touch and Uncle Cas let out a sound that Dean would
call a whimper if he had had the vocabulary for it. It was… encoring, so Dean
continued. The thick vein on the underside seemed to be pulsing and when he
reached the tip of the penis he saw that the foreskin was completely pulled
back, all on its own. Dean had tried to pull his own back once and it had hurt
and dad had told him not to force it but Uncle Cas was completely bared now. It
made Dean even more curious so he steadied the penis with one hand while the
fingers of the other busied themselves with almost pinching the head. When he
thumbed the slit a little bead of something sticky slipped out and Uncle Cas
arched his back again.
Please. He whispered in a gravelly voice and Dean started, scared he had woken
up.
He straightened and pulled his hands away only to discover that Uncle Cas was
still asleep. The older man groaned and Dean thought he sounded disappointed so
he put one hand back on the penis, squeezing slightly. This earned him another
moan and Dean was thrilled. When he took away his hands Uncle Cas was sad and
when he put them back he was happy. This made Dean very happy and he squeezed
again.
Uncle Cas responded by rolling his hips up again and this time Dean had his
hand wrapped loosely around the penis, creating at least some friction. Dean
wasn’t certain why but Uncle Cas seemed to enjoy this so he let him continue,
only too happy to please his uncle.
Soon the roomed was filled with the sounds of Uncle Cas breathing heavily and
shifting ever so slightly on the bed. Dean had completely forgotten about the
storm that had sent him into Uncle Cas’ room in the first place and when Uncle
Cas gripped the sheets tightly and groaned loudly Dean put his other hand on
top of his first to be able to cover as much as possible. Uncle Cas rolled his
hips faster as Dean squeezed tighter and soon the older man was whimpering
again.
Please… he whispered. Please, I…
His breaths came in short gasps and Dean was unconsciously matching them. There
was a steady stream of something sticky flowing out of Uncle Cas’ penis and
suddenly Dean thought it might be pee and so he made to pull his hands back but
right at that moment Uncle Cas arched his back sharply and moaned wordlessly,
much louder than before.
Dean could only stare in wonder as Uncle Cas’ penis expanded and erupted in
Dean’s hands, white pearly ropes shooting out of the tip and landing all over
Uncle Cas’ stomach and Dean’s hands. It was the most beautiful thing Dean had
ever seen and he never wanted it to end.
But it did.
And as Uncle Cas’ hands unclenched from their grip on the sheets, as his back
eased back down on the bed and as his penis started sagging in Dean’s grip Dean
suddenly got nervous. He didn’t know what had happened and suddenly he was
scared that it would make even kind Uncle Cas angry. It looked a little like he
had peed on himself and Dean thought that maybe it was his fault. He had
thought it had looked beautiful but he now realized that Uncle Cas’ features
had looked a little pained. Maybe he had hurt him?
Dean hated to admit it but he was too much of a coward — wanted his uncle’s
approval too much — for him to stay and take responsibility for his actions so
when Castiel awoke, sated but thoroughly confused, Dean was already back in his
own bed, licking his sticky fingers and secretly loving it.


***** 06-05-1989 *****
Chapter Notes
     Thank you so much for the attention! Wow, I didn't even realize I
     would bask in it so much until it happened...
     Okay, a little of that plot that managed to sneak in coming up!


                         *** It’s me who they want ***


Are you staying here tonight too? Mary asked and Castiel sighed and carded his
hands through his unruly hair.
No, I don’t think so.
Mary frowned a little as she stirred the pot, clearly confused as he had been
staying with them up until now. Castiel sat on the other side of the kitchen
island and avoided her gaze by busing himself with chopping the bell peppers
for the casserole.
Did something happen?
Of course he couldn’t tell her. He and John making out on the couch with her
upstairs and him waking up from a wet dream, profusely wet. Of course he
couldn’t tell her that. He had been avoiding being alone with John ever since
but of course it would become noticeable very soon with the amount of time he
actually spent with the Winchesters. John had thankfully gotten the message and
stayed away too, probably feeling as guilty as Castiel but after almost a week
of avoiding each other Castiel thought enough was enough. He needed to get away
from John and he needed to get laid, just enough to take the edge off. Hell, he
was even skittish around the boys and somehow he thought Dean had noticed it
because he had seemed a little distant and yet very clingy at the same time. It
was unnerving.
I have a date. He told her and wasn’t completely lying. He didn’t actually have
a date-date but he was a good-looking guy and he was certain he could find
something if he put his mind to it. And he needed to, tonight.
Really? Mary beamed and Castiel smiled back at her. Of course she would
interpret it as him having someone special in mind.
He didn’t know if it was because she was happy in her marriage and wanted him
to have the same or if she felt uncomfortable with him being so available
around her husband. Sometimes it was hard to think about the times they had
shared together but he believed she was painfully aware of the fact that he
only ever had shared her bed if John had been in it too.
And now… Now she really had a reason to worry.
No! Castiel mentally shook himself. She had nothing to worry about because they
had decided how it would be. The three of them had been best friends and still
were, Castiel was not about to ruin that with the fact that he had been — was?
— in love with John and John had chosen Mary over him. Castiel had been a part
of that decision-making and he stood for it. He only wished he hadn’t gotten to
know what John thought now. He had wondered briefly if John remembered exactly
what he had said and if he was avoiding Castiel because he regretted his words
or if he wanted to act on them. The thoughts made Castiel uncomfortable and
were one of the main reasons he knew he had to get out of the house. That and
John’s presence making Castiel’s throat clench as much as his dick twitched.
Yes. He answered her question with a wink and let her think what she wanted for
reasons he didn’t need to know.
She seemed happy though and didn’t press the matter, for which he was thankful.
John arrived with the boys just as Castiel and Mary were finishing up dinner.
Sammy ran upstairs, probably to put his books away but Dean joined Castiel in
the den.
Help me plate? Castiel asked and held out the dishes for Dean.
Dean nodded and looked shyly at Castiel before accepting the plates. Their
fingers slid together and Dean pulled his hands back so fast he almost dropped
the plates.
Careful. Castiel reached forward but Dean drew back.
I got them. He mumbled and looked down at his hands.
Did I shock you? Castiel asked and smiled at the boy. I’m electrifying, I know.
Dean only nodded and started setting the table and his manner confused Castiel.
Dean was usually so very spirited and quick to engage with Castiel.
Dean? Castiel came to stand beside the boy and he leaned down a bit, surprised
when Dean tensed. Is everything alright?
Dean visibly gulped but turned and looked Castiel straight in the eye. Sure. He
answered but Castiel cocked his head to the side and considered the boy’s
impossibly green eyes. There was definitely something there but he couldn’t say
what.
Okay. He nodded, deciding to let the boy have his space this time. But you know
you can always tell me everything, right?
Right. Dean looked down at his feet and seemed to be making up his mind about
something so Castiel waited patiently. Uncle Cas? he looked up and Castiel
smiled encouragingly.
Yes Dean?
I—
Is it true?!
They were interrupted by Sam bouncing in from the kitchen, Mary and John in tow
with the food. Castiel looked to Dean but the boy had already shunned away. He
frowned at the sight but when Dean only seated himself and refused to meet
Castiel’s eye he turned to the younger brother instead, letting it slide for
now.
Is what true? he asked and sat down with the rest of the family.
Mom said you’re gonna leave again. Sam said and Castiel saw in the corner of
his eye how Dean’s head jerked up at the news.
Leave? he chuckled a little just as Mary shook her head with a smile. I just
have to tend to my apartment Sammy. He said and handed John his plate when he
offered to plate up.
But then you’ll come back?
Sam. Mary chastised mildly. Uncle Cas has a life outside our family too.
Bet it’s boring. Sam stated with his cheeks stuffed with food.
Sam. Mary said warningly but it was undermined but her light laugh and Castiel
smiled too.
Don’t talk with your mouth full son. John sighed and Sam swallowed audibly.
You’re right though. Castiel admitted. It’s terribly boring without you but I—
Then don’t leave!
The four of them quieted immediately and they all turned to Dean who sat
staring angrily at Castiel, his plate still empty and his hands in fists on the
table.
I have to Dean. Castiel answered carefully. I have things I need to do, work
and people I need to meet.
No you don’t. Dean bit out and Castiel closed his mouth curiously. He cocked
his head to the side and tried to discern what Dean really meant to go with
this. Dean met his searching eyes with a defiant stare but they were
interrupted by John sighing loudly.
Dean, John started. Cas is not a pet, if he has to go he has to and—
No, he doesn’t! Dean yelled and rose so abruptly his chair almost fell to the
floor. He doesn’t have to leave, he could live here but he doesn’t want to. He
leaves because he doesn’t like it here!
Castiel was horrified. How could Dean think something like that? He was never
happy anywhere but here, even with the recent awkwardness he still felt more at
home here than anywhere else.
Dean… he started and reached for the boy but Dean danced out of reach and raced
up the stairs before anyone could stop him, slamming his bedroom door.
Well… Mary started but didn’t continue. They all looked at each other but when
Mary made to follow her son John stopped her with a gentle hand on her arm.
Let it be. John advised. He’ll cool down.
Sammy was just nodding and had already started eating again so Mary sat down,
still confused but obviously not quite as upset as Castiel was feeling.
Somehow his behavior this last week had come across to Dean as Castiel hating
it here. He was sure that must be what had upset the boy. He had let his
thoughts about the events show more clearly than he had thought and he felt
horrible about letting it consume him so much that he had neglected his
nephews. He looked with sad eyes at the stairs Dean had fled up but decided to
take John’s advice and try to talk to Dean after dinner.


***** 06-06-1989 *****
Chapter Notes
     Time for some feels!


                     *** All of our bridges burnt down ***


Castiel was really sad to say that he hadn’t gotten through to Dean before he
had had to leave. Even now, the day after, he thought about it. About talking
to the closed door, too nervous to open it without the boy’s permission.
He sighed where he sat on his couch, eating a bowl of soggy cereal in an
apartment that smelled like sex even an hour after his one night stand had
left. It had been the right thing to do though: leave. He had needed the break
from the Winchesters to get into his own mindset. So why was he already missing
them?
He looked listlessly at the pile of work folders that lay in a heap on his
kitchen counter and sighed again. He loved his job but right now it didn’t
seem… important. He rubbed his eyes and spooned down the last of the milk,
deciding to get at least some work done before he headed back to the house and
to try to talk to Dean again.
Just as he set the bowl on his coffee table he heard keys in the front door’s
lock and stilled. There was only one other person that had a spare key so he
wasn’t the least surprised to see John open and close the door.
Hiya. John mumbled and pocketed his keys.
Hi John. Castiel answered and didn’t bother to close his robe, instead opting
to lean back on the couch. Shouldn’t you be at work?
John shifted and then apparently decided to step further into the combined
space of kitchen/living room/entrance of Castiel’s small apartment.
It’s lunch. He answered and sat down on the other end of the couch.
Still. Castiel mumbled and refused to acknowledge that he hadn’t known what
time it was. Christ, had his lay really stayed that long? Granted, it had been
a beautiful man and they had had fun both yester night and this morning but
still.
John shrugged. Bobby won’t miss me. I just came over to see how you were doing.
He wasn’t looking at Castiel and it made Castiel squint his eyes in suspicion.
Very well thank you. He answered and had no illusion about John not being able
to smell what had transpired on this very couch just a couple of hours ago.
John nodded a little. Dean came out of his room after you left.
Good. Why did that statement hurt?
I think he’s sorry. John chuckled but it sounded joyless and it grated on
Castiel’s mind. I didn’t think the pre-teens would come so soon.
Why are you really here John?
What do you mean?
Castiel sighed heavily. Don’t mess with me, I have a ton of work to do and a
bad hangover, I’m not in the mood to play games with you.
I’m not playing. John sounded angry now and Castiel thought that was good.
Better angry than sad.
Then why would you say something like that? Castiel asked calmly, despite
feeling like screaming, and trusting completely that John would understand what
he was talking about.
Castiel was torn. He didn’t want to talk about this. He wanted to talk about
this. He just didn’t know. John was confusing him and even more so now that
they were alone, in Castiel safe-space. Better to just get it over with, rip
the Band-Aid and take the burn.
I just… John looked down at his hands, clearly catching on. I just miss you.
Somehow getting the confirmation made everything worse, so much worse.
You don’t get to say that. He grit out and John looked at him with surprised
eyes. You can’t say that to me now, after all these years.
Cas…
No John. Castiel stood up and moved to stand on the other side of the kitchen
counter, feeling better with some space between them. You had me John, you had
all of me but I wasn’t enough, I was… wasn’t… he stopped, leaning against the
counter and hiding his face by ducking his head, shamed by the tears that
hobbled his speech. He heard John moving towards him.
Cas, I’m sorry.
He felt a hand on his shoulder but slapped it away, angrily facing John. No,
you know what? To hell with your excuses. You decided that you didn’t need me
the day you chose Mary over me. You got her pregnant and you chose her and I
stepped down because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy but it was the
hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. He slapped away John’s hand again when the
other man reached for him again. You killed a part of me John. He spat out and
took ridiculous satisfaction in John’s scared face. So don’t you dare come to
me now and talk about regret. Don’t you dare tell me I made that sacrifice for
nothing, you have no right.
When he was finished he was breathing heavily and he was angrier than he had
ever felt. So much for repressing his feelings with meaningless sex.
You’re right Cas. John said eventually. He at least had the grace to look
Castiel in the eye the entire time, Castiel would give him that. You’re right
and I’m a coward. I…
Castiel pressed his lips together in a thin line when John stopped talking.
I think you should leave. He hissed when the silence had continued for too
long.
John just nodded and walked to the door. Castiel didn’t even turn around to
watch him leave.
Do you… John cleared his throat and Castiel closed his eyes to steady himself.
Do you want the key back?
Don’t be ridiculous.
Castiel supposed John nodded but he didn’t turn around to look at his friend.
Are you coming for dinner? The boys will… we’ll miss you.
It was cheap, Castiel thought, to use the boys against him when John knew how
he loved them but at least he had tried to save face and Castiel hadn’t ever
been able to say no to Sam and Dean.
Tomorrow. He answered curtly because even if nothing of this had ever happened
that still would have been the truth.
Okay.
And just like that he left and Castiel knew that was supposed to be it. They
were supposed to be over their ten-year crisis now because they had decided.
The agreement was that they would be friends but the underlying statement was
that they really couldn’t live without each other. Because really, when John
had agreed to dump Castiel for Mary, what had stopped Castiel from just
ditching Lawrence altogether and move far away? God knows he spent enough time
in LA with his work to call it his second home. But he couldn’t because they
had decided. And because they had needed. And Castiel still needed and he would
be damned if he let John fucking Winchester take that away from him by being a
coward.
He sat down on the couch again, his heavy head in his hands.
This is my fault, he thought despairingly. I let this happen. A belief that
would haunt him forever.


***** 1991 *****
Chapter Notes
     Wow, this is so much fun! I shouldn't even be doing this right now
     but what the hell, here's 2 years later, what have Dean thinking
     about all this time? Smut for y'all!
     Trigger warning: Underage
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                     *** Part 1: Baby, it’s all wrong ***


Castiel slammed the front door shut and shucked off his jacket.
John? no answer. Mary? Guys?
The bottom floor seemed empty but Castiel just shrugged and opened the fridge
to get himself a soda. John had said to meet at five and Castiel was early but
still, he had hardly thought all of them would go to the grocery store
together.
He downed half the soda before heading upstairs to check if John had made the
pull-out for him. He had called yesterday but there was no telling with John
and the pull-out was too old and got stuck too easy for Mary to be able to
straighten it out.
Hello? he called again as he walked up the stairs, just out of habit. The lay-
out of the house’s bottom floor was very open but the second floor was just
halls and rooms and sound easily got distorted.
Uncle Cas?
He barely heard Dean’s answer, it was so low, but there was no mistaking it in
Castiel’s mind. He frowned and walked over to Dean’s room, the one closest to
the stairs. The door was slightly ajar and he pushed it open gently.
Dean?
Dean was sitting on his bed in a hunch-over fashion, looking pained and as if
he was about to cry. Castiel reacted immediately by stepping in and pushing the
door shut behind him. Putting the soda can on Dean’s desk he quickly stepped
over to the boy and kneeled before him.
What’s wrong son? he asked gently and put a hand on the boy’s knee.
Dean jerked as if Castiel had struck him and Castiel frowned deeper.
It’s… I… Dean pinched his eyes shut and shook his head. It’s too embarrassing.
Dean. Castiel said in what he hoped was a reassuring manner because he was
honestly getting a little scared. Is it your stomach?
No. Dean answered in a small voice and Castiel nodded before seating himself
beside the boy.
I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong. He stated simply and to his
relief Dean opened his eyes and looked at Castiel. He smiled kindly. Are you
hurt?
No. Dean cleared his throat. I… It’s my dick. He mumbled and looked down at his
feet.
Castiel frowned at the wording but let it slip for now.
What’s wrong?
It’s strange alright. Dean all but yelled, clearly frustrated. It’s hard and it
feels strange. He added in a smaller voice and realization dawned on Castiel.
Oh. Was all he said at first, suddenly very aware of how close he was sitting.
He swallowed. Well, have you had sex ed in school?
No. Dean squinted at him. But I’m not stupid Uncle Cas, I know it happens and
it’s happened before but it’s gone away on its own. He looked down again,
clearly uncomfortable and Castiel couldn’t blame him. I… I woke up once and it
was tingling and there was something wet in my boxers and I think I know what
that was I just… he looked up again. I don’t really know what to do, not
really.
Castiel swallowed hard. Was Dean asking him to have the sex talk? Or to show
him how to masturbate? Wasn’t this something his father should do? Or, rather,
wasn’t this something you just figured out on your own? Castiel was fairly
certain he’d never had any such discussions with anyone.
Well… he harrumphed. It’s completely normal Dean. He patted the boy
reassuringly before thinking better of it and snatching his hand away. You
just… I mean if it doesn’t go down on its own you just do what feels right ‘til
you come and then it’s… he shrugged. That’s it.
Dean was looking at him with those incredibly green eyes and now, glazed over
with unshed tears, they felt greener than ever and they pulled him in something
fierce.
But I… Dean blinked but it didn’t break the spell his eyes had on Castiel.
Uncle Cas, please. He pleaded, hardly knowing what he was asking and it wasn’t
fair, Castiel thought. This boy with his green eyes and stupid plump lips, who
looked an awful lot like his father at this age and who was almost like a son
to him couldn’t be sitting here like this, asking this. It wasn’t fair.
You touch yourself Dean. He heard himself say and his voice was more gravelly
than usual, even he noticed it now. Until it feels almost too good.
Dean looked down to his crotch and Castiel let his gaze follow for the first
time, noticing the small bulge in the boy’s pants. Tentatively, Dean reached
down and pressed the heel of his hand against the bulge, gasping at the sudden
contact.
That’s right. Castiel continued, despite himself. You don’t even have to remove
your clothes.
He let the unsaid hang there but Dean didn’t seem to notice. He had closed his
eyes again and breathed open-mouthed little puffs as he ground down with his
hand.
U-uncle Cas. Dean all but moaned and Castiel let him grip his arm.
See? he whispered gruffly. It’s not so difficult. You just do what feels good.
Dean nodded vigorously and Castiel took it as his cue to leave. He had already
stayed too long, what the hell had he been thinking staying even after Dean
started touching himself? He started rising from the bed feeling both angered
and shamed at himself, hardly being able to decide between crying or shooting
himself.
But Dean’s hand on his arm held him back and he stopped mid-rise, almost
falling back onto the bed.
Dean? he questioned and saw to his great horror that Dean hadn’t stopped his
ministrations but rather had started thrusting against his own hand.
Stay. Dean begged breathlessly and with the tingle in his lower spine Castiel
knew: he would have to kill himself.
This is usually something you do on your own Dean. He chided in a deep voice,
much too deep. Where was this coming from?!
Dean looked at him with pleading eyes and Castiel was scared to see how dilated
the boy’s pupils were. He swallowed audibly and was even more unnerved when he
saw Dean following the movement of his Adam’s apple.
Please Uncle Cas. Dean moaned. Please talk to me.
Dean, I… he stopped when the boy curled up against his side.
He could feel the heat that was radiating off of Dean’s body and with every
shift of the boy’s hips he rubbed his leg against Castiel’s thigh. He had to
put a hand on the bed behind Dean just to steady himself and Dean moaned
against Castiel’s chest.
You’re doing good Dean. He ground out, giving in to the boy’s wishes without
meaning too. He gripped his thigh with his other hand when Dean moaned again
and sped up. So good, just rub against your hand Dean. Good boy. Don’t bother
with the pants this time, it’s actually nice to feel the fabric sometimes,
isn’t that right?
Dean whined and Castiel realized then that he was rubbing circles on Dean’s
back. Dean was arching his back, clearly craving the touch of both his own hand
and Castiel’s.
That’s right. Castiel mumbled against Dean’s sweaty hair. Feels good enough
that you’ll burst. Dean nodded and moaned again. Do it Dean. He said hoarsely.
Let go. Come in your pants.
Dean’s whole body shuddered and he arched his back enough for his face to come
up to the crook of Castiel’s neck and he groaned loudly against Castiel’s
racing pulse just as Castiel closed his eyes and held his breath.
He kept rubbing Dean’s back all through the aftershocks and Castiel didn’t
breathe properly again until Dean finally stopped jerking and just kind of
slumped heavily against him.
Dean breathed heavily but Castiel’s breath was short and rapid and all he could
think was wrong. It was wrong. He gritted his teeth and forced everything back.
When Dean seemed to be breathing normally again he carefully untangled himself
and looked down at the boy. Dean was peering up at him with heavily lidded eyes
and rose-tinted cheeks.
Now, he cleared his throat. Now you know what to do. He nodded when Dean did.
Good. You should… You should do it only when you need to, I guess. And… he
cleared his throat again. And alone.
He tried to emphasize the word and was satisfied when Dean nodded. Dean was a
smart kid and Castiel hoped he understood.
We will not talk about this. He decided to clarify. To anyone.
Yes Uncle Cas. Dean answered and Castiel almost shuddered at the low gravel of
the boy’s voice. How could it go so low? Dean was just a child. Castiel shook
his head slightly.
Good. He stood awkwardly. You should clean up before that dries. He gestured
vaguely at Dean’s crotch without really looking. Your parents will be home
soon. He added and all but fled to the door.
Uncle Cas?
Dean’s voice stopped him dead in his tracks. It was nowhere near as deep as it
had been just a moment ago but there was something in it that made Castiel want
to either rip his ears or his pants off.
He turned half-way around. Yes Dean?
Thank you.
He nodded once and then slid out the door, closing it firmly behind him.
He looked down at his straining erection with disgust, flicking a finger at it
hard enough to make his eyes water and then stepping downstairs, satisfied that
it had gone away almost immediately in favor of the pain he knew he deserved.


                    *** Part 2: Is it too late to try? ***


Dean flopped back on the bed, stretching his hands over his head and not
minding the rapidly drying come in the least. He grinned stupidly up at the
ceiling and just barely resisted the urge to laugh.
It had worked! It had really worked.
Uncle Cas was so clueless, Dean thought fondly. Of course Dean knew what to do
with himself, he was freaking twelve by now and ever since that night two years
ago he had wondered and experimented. When he was eleven he had worked up the
nerve to ask Gabriel what he knew about sex and his friend had shown him a
movie he had stolen — or gotten, if Gabe was to be believed — from his big
brother. The movie had involved a man and a woman and the man’s dick had done
exactly what Uncle Cas’ had done when Dean had touched him.
That was the first time Dean understood what he had done that night and what it
meant. It was also the first time he had experienced an erection and although
it had abated pretty quickly Dean had never been able to get it out of his
head. What if he touched himself like the man in the video did? What if he did
it together with Uncle Cas? Would Uncle Cas be as pliant and as noisy as the
lady in the video? Dean wanted him to be.
He knew Uncle Cas was much older than him and he knew he was technically family
but then again, not really. There was no real blood-bond between them so Dean
didn’t think that would be a problem. Besides, Uncle Cas was the most beautiful
person Dean knew. Even more so than the woman in the video and that had to
count for something. Gabriel had licked his lips and started sweating when the
woman had opened her legs but Dean’s eyes had been fixed on the man’s penis,
trying to remember what Uncle Cas’ had looked like.
And now he had finally done it! He had tried touching himself just days before
and it had been… interesting. He had felt hot and bothered but he hadn’t really
dared continue until the end, feeling weird, so it wasn’t a total lie what he
had said to Uncle Cas. Just a slight bending of the words. Yes, just a slight
bend.
Dean grinned wider. When he had asked Uncle Cas to stay he had. He really had!
Dean rolled over, still not disgusted with the come in his pants but rather
proud of it. Uncle Cas had called him a good boy and Dean knew what he had seen
when Uncle Cas had stood to leave. The older man had been affected as well. It
was more than Dean had dared to hope for and he couldn’t wait to get some more
alone time with his uncle. He supposed it wouldn’t be that easy since Uncle Cas
was an adult and they tended to complicate things. And he knew Uncle Cas could
be stubborn but so was Dean.
Game on, he thought happily and finally dragged himself to the bathroom.


Chapter End Notes
     Clueless!Castiel is so adorable! I want him as a pet
***** 1992 *****
Chapter Notes
     Short chapter I know but get ready for some naked, soapy Cas.
     Also, inappropriate Dean-ness behavior coming up!


                 *** Oh, you turned your back on yesterday ***


Castiel sighed and massage the soap across his chest, the water battering
pleasantly against his upturned face and running hotly down his body.
It had been a long day at work and he was always grateful to come over to the
Winchesters’ and their well-pressured shower. He knew there was only so much
more he could do here in Lawrence before he would have to take a trip to LA and
he wasn’t looking forward to it. He was having too much fun with his family.
I should find a way to move my work completely here, he groused but it was an
old thought and he knew that he would never do anything about it. He loved his
work and he loved the feeling of always being accepted back at the Winchesters.
Somehow he was afraid that if he stayed here forever they would grow tired of
him.
He and John hadn’t talked about what had happened three years ago again, not
once, and they had spent very much time alone since then, certainly giving them
the opportunity. Castiel was happy that everything had gone back to normal
between them and that nothing had changed in the family dynamic but somehow he
also sometimes found himself sad at how easily John had managed to let go,
again.
Still, this was nothing new. His sadness, John’s abrupt endings, this had
happened before and Castiel was actually proud to say that he was handling it
better this time around. If he was bitter that he had had to handle it again
and if he sometimes made it show by dragging home men that looked a little too
much like John well, then it was no one else’s business but his own.
Besides, he had other things on his mind. Dean, for one. He was very certain
that the boy hadn’t said anything about what had happened over a year ago and
for that Castiel was grateful, but the boy’s attitude towards him had
definitely changed. It was very subtle and he noticed it only when he and Dean
were by themselves. It was small things, like how the boy would lean closer
than necessary,
brushing their fingers together. How he would look at Castiel. Sometimes, when
Castiel lost focus and kind of zoned out, he would be brought back by a
piercing set of green eyes peering at him, almost curiously. It was unsettling.
Dean hadn’t broached the subject of his first masturbation again and Castiel
hadn’t either, figuring that Dean had realized that it actually was a private
affair.
He had, however, once asked if Dean was seeing someone but Dean’s reaction had
left him baffled. He had just picked up Dean from school and there had been a
pretty young blonde who wasn’t Dean’s friend Jo that had waved him off.
Getting girlfriends already? he had teased but Dean had tensed up in the car
seat beside him. Dean?
She’s no one. Dean had mumbled and sunken deeper down in the seat.
No? Castiel had smiled. She was very pretty though, wouldn’t you—
What would you know about that? Dean had spat and Castiel had looked at him,
completely dumbstruck. Don’t you just like boys?
Castiel harrumphed, a little surprised at the question turned statement since
they had never actually discussed his sexuality. He supposed the boy was
smarter than Castiel gave him credit for.
Yes, he answered calmly. I like men Dean.
Well, there you go then. Dean had sneered and turned to the window, completely
ignoring Castiel’s surprised expression.
They hadn’t talked about that again either. Dean had been his usual self ever
since and Castiel had allowed himself to relax again. The boy was growing up
after all, coming into his puberty and Castiel remembered how that had been.
Castiel started massaging shampoo in his hair but thought he heard a knock.
Lowering the water, he peeked out behind the shower curtain. There it was
again.
Cas?
Mary? he answered, wiping shampoo from his forehead before it could fall any
further.
I just need some toilet paper for the downstairs.
He smiled and disappeared behind the curtain again. It’s open. He called back
and turned up the water when she entered.
John’s just gone to pick up Sam from soccer practice, dinner in 30? she asked
as she rummaged around in the cupboard beneath the sink.
Sure. He answered but didn’t hear anything else when the water hit his head and
he started rinsing out the shampoo.
When the curtain was suddenly pulled back he jumped and got water in his eyes.
Mary? he asked and spit out some water before wiping his eyes.
Guess again. Dean smirked and stepped into the shower beside Castiel, buck
naked.
D-dean? he stuttered and shifted to get away from the boy, although it was
hardly fair to call Dean a boy anymore. His puberty was in full bloom and it
was clear to all and anyone that Dean would fill out his long and lanky limbs
and do so quickly. What are you doing?
Dean shrugged and stepped under the spray, his shoulder bumping Castiel in the
chest and he took another step back only to smack into the cold tiles of the
wall.
Mom said I had to wash up before dinner.
I’m certain she didn’t mean right away.
Well, I had to hurry didn’t I? Dean gave him a toothy grin. Ten minutes isn’t
very long.
Castiel cocked his head and squinted. Dinner’s in 30.
Oh is it? Dean nonchalantly picked up the shampoo bottle. I must have misheard.
You should get out.
Come on, I’m already in here. He smiled disarmingly but all Castiel saw was the
little toddler that had refused to ride his bike unless Castiel held it for
him. It made his heart ache. Besides, we used to shower together all the time
before.
Castiel would hardly call it all the time but that wasn’t the issue here.
It’s too cramped. He stated instead and shifted again, this time backwards and
came to stand directly behind Dean.
Are you saying I’m fat? Dean laughed and handed him the bottle over his
shoulder. Wash my hair?
Was this the same boy that not a year ago had been almost crying about an
erection? Was this his little Dean? What was he playing at? Was he aware he was
doing something inappropriate? Why was Castiel accepting the bottle?!
Thank you. Dean mumbled and tilted his head back for easy access. He was still
shorter than Castiel but Castiel didn’t think it would last that much longer.
He rolled his fingers through the boy’s hair, thinking of the times he had done
this with Dean and Sam when they had been little and splashing around in the
tub. He was just washing his nephew again, this was no different.
Except it totally was and it became blatantly apparent when Dean arched his
back and freaking moaned.
Yes. He hissed. Feels so good Uncle Cas.
Castiel almost bit his tongue off but his stupid fingers wouldn’t stop. What,
Dean? he ground out and he would be damned if he didn’t see Dean shudder at the
sound of his voice.
Mm… Your fingers. Dean turned to look over his shoulder and Castiel’s breath
caught when he saw the dilated pupils looking back at him. I have a headache.
The boy clarified and Castiel wanted to call him on his lie but somehow the
words got caught in his throat.
Then turn back and let me finish. He said hoarsely, his voice too gravelly for
his own liking.
Dean smirked at him again but obliged without another word. Unfortunately the
boy took the opportunity to arch his back some more, seemingly to get away from
the spray but Castiel wasn’t so sure anymore. He could see that Dean had closed
his eyes and judging by the twitching of his plump lips he was enjoying
himself.
Castiel, on the other hand, wanted to throw up. Not at the sight of the lithe
body before him but because of his own reactions. This was Dean. This was
John’s son! Castiel’s self-disgust was unfortunately not enough to will away
his semi but he fought with all his might not to give in to the desire to lean
against the sleekness before him and he won at least that battle, for what it
was worth.
He had thought his reaction to Dean’s masturbation had been a one-time thing.
It certainly hadn’t resurface since but now… now he was fearing for both his
own soul and for the boy’s.
When Mary opened the door and asked if he had seen Dean he was relieved to
notice the boy tense as much as he did. Despite their different approaches to
whatever Dean was doing, obviously neither of them wanted to share it, with
anyone. It was a comforting discovery, he thought as they quickly toweled off,
avoiding each other.


***** 1993 *****
Chapter Notes
     Trigger warning: Loss of innocence
     I guess... Seriously though, a wee bit of smut coming up, poor
     Balthy... Just a tad though, to get the plot on its way. Man, this
     plot is really starting to take over...
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                           *** Now I’m paralyzed ***


Hurry Balthy. Castiel moaned as the other man teased his quivering hole with
just the tip of his finger.
Balthazar chuckled. Aren’t you eager Cassie? he teased even as he complied and
all but shoved his finger almost all the way in.
Castiel didn’t bother answering, couldn’t even if he had had a snarky retort at
hand. Instead he just arched his back, canting his hips up for better access
and groaned against the couch’s armrest.
Balthazar made a noise at the back of his throat and sped up a little. Castiel
smirked. He knew what a sight he presented, sitting on all fours on his couch,
his face pressed down and his ass in the air, wriggling willingly. He was
achingly hard but the position didn’t give him much leverage for him to reach
down and stroke himself. Probably for the best, he thought as Balthazar added
another finger and started scissoring. It had been too long since he had had
sex, as evident by the wanton way he had thrown himself at his friend, their
clothes scattered around the living room. They hadn’t even made it to the
bedroom, something he supposed he should be ashamed of. But he wasn’t, not in
the least. He was over thirty and yet here he was, moaning like a two-dollar
whore and loving it.
And judging by the sounds coming from his fuck buddy the man enjoyed himself as
well. Castiel had always been rather vocal and he knew it wasn’t very
appreciated by other men but Balthy didn’t seem to mind. Castiel supposed his
voice was too gruff for men pretending to not like other men but he didn’t have
to hide himself now, Balthazar clearly knew what he liked and Castiel liked
that too. John had also always loved Castiel’s voice.
The thought made Castiel bow his head. Not now, he thought, pained. Now was not
the time to be thinking about John. That kiss had been over four years ago.
Castiel tried to shift his mind and unbid thoughts of Dean arching his back at
him in the shower came floating up. That had been over a year ago and it had
never happened again but Castiel couldn’t let it go. For the life of him, he
couldn’t let go.
Enough! he growled when Balthazar grazed his prostate, making his dick jump.
Castiel had to let go and grip his dick tight around the base when the other
man didn’t comply but instead pressed at it again. It didn’t stop him from
leaking though and little driblets drooled down on his couch, probably staining
it. He didn’t care. Enough Balthy. He whimpered and felt the other man actually
shudder.
You want it Cassie? Balthazar murmured against his neck and Castiel could do
nothing but moan. You’re such a good slut for me, hmm? he could feel Balthazar
slicking himself up and with a small nod he let go of his dick to steady
himself against the armrest again.
Balthazar gripped his hips tight and pressed his upper body down lower.
What a sight Cas. He sighed and nudged Castiel’s opening with the blunt head of
his dick.
B-balthy. Castiel begged and was rewarded by Balthazar pressing in.
I go you.
The pressure was immense, it was blinding and it was perfect. He probably
wasn’t as prepared as he should’ve been, but he didn’t care. Little dots were
dancing against his closed eyelids and Castiel sighed contentedly.
Move. He demanded and dammit if Balthazar didn’t comply.
The whole couch shook with the force of the thrusts and Castiel couldn’t have
contained his moans even if he had wanted to. His own dick bounced with the
thrusts, slapping against his stomach and whatever little friction that created
was wonderful.
Then Balthazar angled his thrusts and grazed Castiel’s prostate again.
F-fuck. Castiel bit out and Balthazar chuckled again.
You like that angel? he nosed against Castiel’s back, gripping Castiel’s hips
even tighter. You gonna come untouched for me? I know you can.
Castiel knew as well. Yes. He hissed; smacking his hips back against the
bruising pace Balthazar had set. Yes.
So good. Balthazar moaned.
Suddenly another sound broke through their sweat-soaked slapping: keys in the
lock.
They froze mid-thrust. The door rattled open and Balthazar’s sharp gasp made
his dick twitch in Castiel’s ass.
Uncle Cas? I just came to—
Dean stopped dead, just staring at them and Castiel had never wished for a
swifter death.
He was still on all fours, his dick drooling and Balthazar buried deep in him,
panting behind him.
D-dean! he stumbled out and made to push himself up, causing Balthazar to
groan, probably involuntarily but still.
Dean jerked as if hit but the sound startled him into movement.
I-I’m sorry. He squeaked and fled out the door, slamming it shut behind him.
Dean, wait!
He finally managed to untangle himself from Balthazar who pulled out with an
indignant Hey man! and allowed himself to be pushed back against the couch.
Castiel winced when Balthazar slid out much too forcefully and then again when
he quickly bent down to yank on some pants.
He was out the door and half-way down the stairs before he realized he’d taken
Balthy’s pants by mistake.
Dean! he called again and caught up to the youth just before Dean could slip
out the front door. He pulled him down the stairs to the basement to give them
some semblance of privacy. Let me explain. What exactly? He didn’t really know
but he didn’t have to continue because Dean yanked his arm free.
I’m sorry alright. I borrowed dad’s key and I shouldn’t have, alright? Dean all
but yelled.
Castiel’s eyes softened. What are you doing here; it’s in the middle of the
day.
It’s the last day of school. Dean clarified. Winter break.
Castiel nodded. Okay.
I just wanted to walk you home. He scuffed his shoe against the floor. You said
you’d come over tonight.
Castiel swallowed. He had promised. He had been occupied with work for a very
long time now, only having just returned from LA but barely having had time to
spend with the Winchesters.
I know Dean. He said softly. And I am staying over for a while. Dean just
shrugged like he was trying to act nonchalant and Castiel sighed a little.
Let me just go up and talk to Balthazar, you can come up and wait in the
kitchen if you want.
I shouldn’t. Dean mumbled and Castiel wanted to lay a hand on his shoulder but
somehow thought it inappropriate.
I’m sorry you had to see that. He said carefully and Dean finally looked up.
You had that man’s dick up your ass. He stated.
Language. Castiel scolded mildly but Dean didn’t seem to care.
Did you like it?
Castiel stared at him. Dean was looking at him seriously, his nervousness as if
blown away. What had brought upon this sudden change of character?
Yes. He answered truthfully, despite himself.
Huh.
Castiel cocked his head to the side and considered the youth as Dean looked
away. He felt very bad about Dean catching him in such a situation, even though
it kind of had been the teen’s fault... But what he felt the most bad about
what how his erection hadn’t died down completely. In fact... he shifted
uncomfortably.
Dean, you already know I like men.
Why were they having this conversation? Now? Here?
Dean fixated him with his searching eyes. Is that man your friend?
Yes.
Like mom and dad?
Castiel frowned. Not really. He answered; feeling disturbed by the question but
guessing Dean didn’t know what he was implying.
But kinda like mom and dad are with each other? Dean hinged and Castiel wanted
to both die of shame and commend the boy on his deduction-skills.
Kind of. He mumbled but Dean’s look wasn’t one of understanding. Rather, he
looked... angry?
Why?
Dean. Castiel sighed. You know I like men, you are old enough to understand
that that comes with sex, why is this making you upset?
Well excuse me. Dean drawled and Castiel frowned again. I guess I just didn’t
have all the logistics of gay sex clear.
Why are you being condescending?
Dean looked away again and Castiel saw him shrink in on himself. He wanted to
reach out again but once again refrained.
I don’t know what that means.
Castiel’s features softened and he finally put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. The
youth tensed but didn’t move away and Castiel was briefly and very painfully
reminded that the last time they had touched had been when they had showered
together.
I’m sorry, sometimes I forget that you’re still a child. Castiel said softly
but the apology didn’t have the desired effect.
Dean scrunched up his face in anger and wretched himself free of Castiel’s
loose grip.
I’m not a child. He spat at a confused Castiel. I’ll be 15 in a month and then
I’ll be legal enough to... he trailed off and averted his gaze.
Castiel squinted. Enough for what? he asked carefully but Dean just shook his
head.
Get back to you friend Uncle Cas, I’ll see you at home.
He left without another word and Castiel was ashamed to admit that he didn’t
even try to stop him.


Chapter End Notes
     Yeah, I’m not really sure about the Kansas state laws but where I
     come from the age of consent between youths of equal age is 15, so
     I’m going with that and as I’m sure you've already guessed that’s
     what’s Dean’s getting at here…
***** 1994 *****
Chapter Notes
     Okay, time to move the story along! Smutty times coming up people!
     Trigger warning: Underage, Alcohol as a coping method (kinda)
     And seriously poor decisions...
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                     *** Part 1: The chances I blew up ***


Dean? Castiel knocked on the teen’s door and heard a definitely non-Dean squeak
on the other side of the door.
Coming! Dean called and seconds later the door flung open to reveal a pretty
blonde girl.
She tittered at him and slid past and down the stairs.
Well hello to you too. He chuckled and turned back to the room. Dean hadn’t
moved from the desk he had been leaning on when Jo opened the door.
Yes Uncle Cas? he asked and crossed his arms. He didn’t look half as irritated
by the inter-rupt as Castiel would have thought, judging by Jo’s pink cheeks.
I was just going to tell you that Mary wanted to you to come cut your birthday
cake but I guess you were content where you were? he smiled and Dean looked
surprised for a second before chuckling and motioning for Castiel to come
closer.
Castiel’s cheeks did not burn at the sound of the deep chuckle. What the hell
was wrong with him?
She was just giving me a birthday present. He said and beckoned Castiel even
closer.
Oh, then I’m very sorry I interrupted. Castiel smirked but Dean just shook his
head.
Not something like that, this. He showed Castiel two pieces of paper and
Castiel whistled when he recognized them as concert tickets. He had known Dean
had wanted them but they were pricy.
Pretty and rich, a real catch. He teased as he read the little information
square on the backside.
Dean was standing very close and looking at him strangely but he decided not to
care this time around. Things had been a little awkward between them since Dean
had caught him with Balthazar over a month ago but he was finally feeling like
they were pushing past it. Nothing inappropriate had happened after all so
there was nothing to fuss about, right? All children were like to walk in on
their parents once in a life time and Castiel was neither Dean’s parent nor
some kind of sex deviant that had displayed himself out in the open. Had he
forgotten that the Winchesters had a tendency to walk into his apartment like
they lived there — like what he did at their house? Yes. And had he been a
little too eager with Balthazar? Yes. But that was beside the point.
The real point was that he and Dean were finally comfortable with each other
again. Or so he believed at least.
When the teen didn’t answer him he looked up and met Dean’s intense stare.
Dean?
She’s not my girlfriend Cas. She’s just a friend. He stated firmly and Castiel
started a little at Dean using only his name. That had never happened before.
I’m sorry. Castiel put down the tickets, confused at Dean’s approach. I
shouldn’t have presumed.
No, you shouldn’t. Dean leaned just a little bit closer and Gods help him,
Castiel let him. She could never be my girlfriend.
That-that’s okay Dean, you don’t have to explain.
Oh but I think I kind of do. He put a hand on Castiel’s arm and if Castiel
wasn’t so deep in self-denial he would have called the shudder that ran through
him for what it was: desire. You know Uncle Cas, this was a very good birthday
for me, I got almost every-thing I wanted.
Oh? Castiel asked, breathless and trapped. He wanted to run, he really did but
those greens... And what didn’t you get?
This. Dean hissed and snaked his hands up Castiel’s chest, resting one on the
back of Castiel’s neck and the other on his shoulder.
His lips on Castiel’s were tentative and soft and when Castiel put a hand on
the youth’s chest to push him away he could feel the purr rumbling through
Dean.
Castiel stood shock still as Dean pressed his lips more firmly against his. The
kiss was sloppy and inexperienced and perfect. Castiel shook with the effort of
not doing anything else. He should push the boy away, he should. This was Dean,
his sweet little nephew. He had played catch with him and watched him grow up
and now Dean was pushing up against him, all full of hormones and the bravado
of youth. And all Castiel could do was stand there and take it. Because this
was Dean and Dean smelled familiar and felt firmer than any fifteen-year-old
had any right to.
But as Dean licked Castiel’s lower lip Castiel remembered the scent and found
the strength to push the boy away. He could not be kissing Dean, a child, and
like it because he associated it to John. The boy’s father. Because that was
the only… the only…
Castiel would have to kill himself.
Dean, don’t. Castiel rasped when Dean made to follow him. He tried to ignore
the way the youth shuddered at the sound of his voice. No one had been that
responsive to him, not even John. It’s because he’s young, Castiel reminded
himself.
Uncle Cas. Dean whined, sounding much more like himself and less like the
grown-up version he had tried to portray and that too helped steady Castiel’s
resolve.
Dean. Castiel put his hands on Dean’s shoulders to keep him at bay. It didn’t
help that Dean leaned into the touch. This is not appropriate, what are you
doing?
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Dean mumbled, his words half a
moan. The way you looked like on your couch.
Castiel blushed so hard and so forcefully he was surprised he didn’t pass out.
Of course he immediately knew what Dean was talking about. He would have to be
an idiot to receive a kiss like that and not know.
That’s... he cleared his throat, thoroughly embarrassed. You shouldn’t be
thinking about that at all.
I can’t stop. Dean breathed and Castiel was horrified to see that he had
managed to slide closer. Castiel’s hands had slipped down to rest on Dean’s
chest and he noticed distractedly that Dean was almost as tall as him now.
Dean, I’m your uncle. He tried meekly but the rest of his arguments stopped
dead when Dean put his hands on Castiel’s hips.
I want you. Dean stated bluntly and this, if nothing else, brought Castiel back
to reality so sharply he almost got a mental whiplash.
No. He said and resolutely stepped away from the boy. This is not right Dean
and you need to stop this behavior. This little game you’ve had going for a
while now, it needs to stop.
But Dean didn’t look half as angry or smug as he had thought he would have.
Instead he looked at Castiel with pleading, hurt eyes.
Cas, please. He murmured and sounded so much like his father at that age that
Castiel wanted to hurl himself through the window.
No, Dean.
What’s the problem? Dean stepped closer but Castiel retreated just as many
steps so he stopped. You like men and I like you.
No, you don’t. Dean, he sighed and carded his fingers through his hair,
probably messing the do up beyond repair. You’re a young teen, crushes are
common and—
I hardly think calling five years a crush, Cas. Dean answered dryly and when
Castiel could do nothing but stare at him he sighed too. I dunno, maybe my
whole life even?
Stop it Dean, I’m your uncl—
Though not really, right? Dean interrupted him and Castiel shook his head, more
hurt by those words than he thought he’d be.
The age di—
Doesn’t matter! God Castiel. Dean stepped closer and this time Castiel was too
bewil-dered to react. Cas. He murmured as he reached out to grasp the front of
Castiel’s shirt and pull him closer. I want you. And I can see it in your eyes.
You’re just a child. Castiel breathed against Dean’s mouth but that didn’t stop
the youth from pushing their lips together again. This time, however, Castiel
didn’t let it continue. How could he?
Dean was clearly not thinking straight and neither, apparently, was Castiel. He
shouldn’t have let this conversation go on for as long as it had. He had been
weak and he knew it. He was the only one to blame.
Enough. He growled and yanked the boy away from him. This nonsense stops now
Dean. He looked angrily at Dean but Dean just looked sad again. You will
collect yourself and then you will come down to eat your cake, everyone is
waiting for you.
He pushed himself to the door, hardly looking at the soul-crushing eyes of Dean
Winchester. And you will put this stupid game out of your head; we will never
talk about this again.
He didn’t turn to look at Dean before he left but if he had maybe he would’ve
hesitated and may-be his anger and confusion would have dissolved a little.
Dean stood in his room, one hand clamped on his tee right above his heart,
looking crestfallen and like he would pass out any second.
He joined them almost ten minutes later looking pale but collected. He never
once looked Castiel in the eye.


                 *** Part 2: I gave you my love to borrow ***


Castiel was cleaning the dishes with only minimally shaking hands. Mary had
left for her late night shift at the hospital and John had offered to drive
Dean to the party his friends were throwing him now that the family’s
celebrations were over.
It was kind of late already and Sam was up in his room, rummaging around so
Castiel didn’t hurry with the cleaning. It left him peaceful, the silence
welcomed after what had happened between him and Dean that afternoon. He still
couldn’t really wrap his mind around it. Dean had kissed him and, despite what
Castiel had initially thought, had probably meant it too. It seemed hard to
believe.
He knew Dean was a smart kid and he knew he was kind so the thought that Dean
had kissed him as some sort of joke had been an unlikely one but also the only
one he could think of. It would also explain Dean’s behavior over the last
couple of years.
Still...
He sighed and rinsed the last plate before putting it in the dishwasher. Maybe
he had been wrong to scold the boy. True, he was almost an adult and he should
know better but Castiel was the adult. He should have handled it better. He
decided he would apologize to Dean tomorrow. If the boy would let him...
He hadn’t given Castiel one look since he came down from his room, not even to
say good-bye as John drove him and his friends to the party. It had hurt.
He was interrupted in his gloomy thoughts by the front door opening and
closing. Walking out into the hall with a cloth in his hands, he was met by
John taking of his jacket.
Already done with the dishes? John smiled. Sorry I missed it.
Castiel huffed and dried off his hands. I’m sure.
John grinned and followed Castiel back into the kitchen. Where’s Sammy?
Bed, I think. Castiel answered and seated himself by the counter when John
reached into a cupboard and pulled out two whisky glasses.
Some JD, then? he asked and poured before Castiel had a chance to say yes. He
didn’t mind though, tonight he really felt like he needed it.
He downed it in one shot, gasping as it burned down his throat.
Hit me. He rasped and John raised an eyebrow questioningly but poured one
anyway. He decided to take it slower with this one.
Something you want to talk about? John asked and sipped his own whisky.
Castiel cringed. He and John had always been able to talk about everything,
even after everything that had happened between them John was still his best
friend. But this? Castiel thought not.
Just had a rough week. He mumbled and John seemed to accept it.
They drank in silence for a while and Castiel was soon starting to feel
pleasantly buzzed. The tension dropped and soon he and John were laughing and
talking like the old days. He hadn’t really thought about it but he guessed
that night five years ago had had an impact on their friendship, at least the
ease of it. Sure he and John had managed to get back to their old routines but
the hurt had been so new.
He was glad to have the smiles back, even if it was just for the night and even
if he had the Jack Daniels to thank for it.
And then... he slurred and John laughed, knowing where the story was going. And
then you turned around and she was like, not you! You looked so stupid.
They laughed harder, trying to shush each other at the same time, not wanting
to wake Sam but too caught up in the booze and the memory to be able to contain
themselves.
John leaned in when he laughed and Castiel put a hand on his thigh to steady
him.
Well, can you blame me?
So stupid.
You’re stupid. John’s whisky-filled breath flittered over Castiel’s face.
Witty. Castiel mumbled, inclining his head.
Wasn’t trying.
Bet you were though.
Their lips met in a crushing kiss, all teeth and tongue and Castiel groaned
deeply, reveling in the shudder that racked John’s body.
John’s hands slipped down and forced Castiel’s thighs open for him to slot
between and Castiel rolled his hips up, awkward in his seat but not caring
because hard-on met hard-on and his mind blanked out, erasing any thoughts of
we’re in the kitchen and Sam’s upstairs and we don’t belong together anymore.
John travelled down Castiel’s neck, kissing and nipping as he went and Castiel
was trying to reach down between them. John’s belt gave him some trouble but he
was encouraged by John’s panting.
C-Cas. John stammered; voice raspy not only from the whisky. Cas, let me.
And Castiel let him. Let John all but tare Castiel’s pants open and smash his
hand in there. Let John continue to lick and nip at his neck and let the
memories and booze take over his rationality.
Castiel abandoned his yanking at John’s belt in favor of grabbing a hold on
John’s shoulders to steady himself. He groaned deeply when John fished him out
of his pants and John bit down on his neck.
God Castiel. He panted. You feel so... he trailed off in a moan but Castiel
nod-ded, knowing what he meant anyways.
John’s hand gripped him tight and started an unsteady upstroke, almost as if he
was uncertain of how to do it. Castiel moaned and rolled his hips up into
John’s hand and it seemed to encourage him.
He set a steady pace and Castiel leaned heavily against him, breathing in his
scent. He tried to form words, tried to think at all but the feel of John’s
hand gliding up and down in gentle strokes distracted him enough to make him
forget to even reciprocate.
John didn’t seem to mind though. He thumbed the slit on every upstroke,
twisting his wrist and pressing his other hand against Castiel’s aching balls.
When he felt John’s fingers snake down lower, trying to reach the area behind
Castiel’s balls, only hindered by the restricting clothing, Castiel almost
came.
He moaned, much too loudly, and canted his hips up in the seat. John bit his
lower lip and pressed closer, his hand speeding up and Castiel recognized the
pull in his stomach. Too soon, he thought desperately. With this much alcohol
in him he was surprised he had gotten this far but he supposed it had something
to do with the fact that it was John, his John, that was touching him, groping
him.
Castiel’s back started arching on its own as his orgasm drew closer.
Or, he drunkenly supposed, It could have something to do with Dean’s kiss. It
had been almost shy and fucking perfect, that was all he could remember at the
moment, and his lips tingled at the memory.
He pulled John forcefully down and as their lips met in another crushing kiss
Castiel’s alcohol-infused mind conjured images of Dean. Dean kissing him, Dean
arching his naked back in the shower, Dean pressing close as he came in his
pants at Castiel’s word.
It was only because he bit his tongue that Castiel managed not to moan the
boy’s name as he came, shooting his come all over his and John’s stomachs.


Chapter End Notes
     You guys are awesome! <3
***** 02-11-1995 *****
Chapter Notes
     Smuuuuut!
     Trigger warning: Underage, Alcohol as a coping method (kinda)
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                       *** You turned out the lights ***


Castiel tossed and turned in his bed, sleep eluding him even at this hour. He
sighed heavily and stared at the clock. He hated his life.
Dean had been avoiding him ever since his birthday over a year ago and Castiel
guessed he couldn’t blame him. He hadn’t been very present himself since that
fateful day. He and John had actually been on pretty good terms, even as they
had woken up the next day and remembered everything. Every touch, every stroke
and definitely the way Castiel had looked as he had slid to the floor and
sucked John down his throat.
They had not really talked about it and it hadn’t repeated itself — which it
shouldn’t — but they had been spending a lot of time together and that had
actually been pretty nice. Them getting together like in the old days; it was
as if this new incident had erased everything bad about the old one.
So that was good. Dean, however...
Castiel had reacted to him and John doing… that and to Dean doing what he did
by fleeing to LA, staying there almost three whole months before daring to come
crawling back. That was when he had discovered two things. One, John and he
were better than ever and two, Dean and he were at their absolute worst.
The teen would be moody when Castiel was around and he refused to spend even a
couple of moments alone with his uncle. It wasn’t so noticeable that the rest
of the family saw it but to Castiel it was painfully easy to see.
He still felt bad about how he had handled the kissing and he had a nagging
feeling that his incident with John in the kitchen should make him feel bad
about Dean as well but he couldn’t remember why, whisky and time having
conveniently numbed his memories.
Since Dean had refused to talk to Castiel, even on the phone, Castiel had
resorted to doing what he did best: flee, again. This last year he had spent
more time in LA than Lawrence, so much so that his boss Nora had asked if he
was finally gearing up to ask for that transfer. Castiel honestly thought about
it but couldn’t make up his mind.
He had wronged Dean but the teen refused to let him apologize, maybe time apart
would do them good? Dean would at least get a chance to cool down and maybe
they could talk about what the problem really was. He was certain there must
been something else rather than just puberty leading up to the youth’s behavior
and he wanted to help. Until Dean decided to talk to him however, he would do
nothing good here, moping around.
Still, his relationship with John was at its peak since their break-up 16 years
ago and he didn’t want to miss out on that.
Castiel sighed as the alarm clock switched from 01:47 to 01:48. Was he just
being selfish? Should he just move? Was he being cowardly? And if so, what was
he fearing? Should he maybe force Dean into a talk?
The kid obviously thought he was adult enough, maybe it was time he started
acting it too. Christ, it had already been over a year and even though Castiel
had been absent most of it there was no reason Dean couldn’t have called him.
As if answering his prayers, his phone started buzzing.
Castiel turned, confused, and flailed a bit before reaching it on his bedside
table. He answered at once at the sight of the caller ID.
Dean? he asked, suddenly worried.
Hiya Cassie. Dean slurred, obviously drunk.
Castiel frowned and sat up on the edge of bed. What’s wrong? aside from the boy
being drunk at two in the morning and this being the first time they’d properly
talked in a year, that was.
Sssccch! Dean shushed loudly and Castiel had to tear the phone away from his
ear. I’m on the phone.
Castiel sighed when he realized Dean was talking to one of the loud mouths he
could hear in the background.
Dean.
Yess, thass right. Dean all but purred. Say my name.
Castiel’s stomach did not clench. Where are you?
Imma... he was obviously trying to sound sober. I’m at home.
If Dean’s lie hadn’t been so easy to spot the laughter that roared in the back
would have been a dead give-away.
Castiel sighed again. Does Mary and John know where you are?
Are you crazy?! Dean exclaimed and Castiel could clearly see his rounded eyes.
Of course not.
Castiel rose and snatched up his pants where he had dropped them before going
to bed. Where are you? I’ll come for you.
Oh you will, will ya? the purring was back but Castiel skillfully ignored it.
That’s why you called, isn’t it?
Yeah okay, let’s say that. Dean breathed and Castiel had to stop and take a
deep breath to steady his nerves.
Where?
The club.
Castiel frowned. The club downtown no doubt.High and low?
Sweet and low. Dean corrected him. Just like it should be, right Cassie?
Castiel caught himself against the kitchen counter. Wha-wh—
Cas, I’m sorry, let me try again.
Sorry about what? Castiel thought but Dean didn’t sound very sorry so maybe it
didn’t matter. There was, however, definitely something else in his voice but
Castiel decided to overlook it for now.
Just stay there.
He tried calling John twice on his way over but wasn’t especially surprised
when there was no answer. It was in the middle of the night after all and
wherever Dean had told his parents he would be they had no reason not to trust
him. And Gods be good they would still be able to keep their trust in their
eldest son even after tonight.
As he was closing in on the club he came upon loads and loads of people at all
ages, streaming to and fro the place and he started wondering how he would find
Dean. Most likely he would have to go into the club and now that he thought
about it he realized that he probably didn’t have enough money on him to get
inside.
He sighed and decided to circle around and park in the back before trying to
call Dean.
The first two calls went directly to voice mail and he figured that there
probably was low reception in the club. The third call he made as he was
walking up to the club and a few moments went by before it cut to voice mail
again. At least this time there was reception.
When he neared the club he became painfully aware that he was underdressed, and
still in his night tee at that. He closed his trench coat and started trudging
towards one of the many bouncers, preparing to plead his case, when he was
stopped dead in his tracks by a familiar voice.
Uncle Cas?
He turned and saw it was Dean’s best friend Gabriel that had spotted him. He
thanked the Gods and turned to wound his way towards the teen.
Gabriel. He said in lieu of greeting but frowned when he saw the cigarette in
the youth’s hand. Smoking? Really?
Gabriel looked down to the little stump and made a face. Why is it that only
you can make me feel bad about this?
Castiel cocked his head to the side, not really sure how to answer that.
Where’s Dean?
Gabriel looked surprised. Oh, is that why you’re here? I was kinda wondering.
Castiel squinted in confusion. He did call.
Suddenly Gabriel burst out laughing. He was talking to you? Oh boy, Cassie? he
only laughed harder when Castiel remained stone faced. I’ve only ever heard
‘Uncle Cas’, I almost thought that was your name.
Huh. That would explain why the boy called him that as well. And Jo, now that
Castiel thought about it. Dean must really talk about him a lot.
My name’s Castiel. He murmured and when Gabriel started laughing again he
pulled the cigarette from the boy’s fingers and took a drag himself. At least
that made him shut up, Castiel thought smugly, reveling in the taste. Man, it
had been forever since his last smoke.
Where’s Dean? he asked again and this time Gabriel jerked his head backwards.
Come.
Dean was sitting on a dumpster by the side of the building, surrounded by a
group of people roughly his age but no one that Castiel recognized, passing a
bottle of Captain Morgan around. Castiel frowned and tossed the cigarette to
the ground. Ignoring Gabriel’s protests he stepped on it and then went forward
to catch the bottle before Dean could toss it back again.
Hey! Dean huffed indignantly before he saw Castiel’s disapproving face. Hey. He
said again then, tone of voice completely changed.
Dean, what are yo— Castiel started but was interrupted when a black haired girl
with olive skin squeaked. He looked at her, startled.
OMG, your voice. She purred and slid, cat-like from her seat beside Dean on the
dumpster, sauntering up to Castiel. It’s so deep.
I... What? he asked, confused when she pressed the palms of her hands against
his chest.
So manly. She leaned in and he could clearly smell the Morgan on her breath.
Not like these little boys.
Oi! Gabriel yelled, obviously indignant and his voice made Castiel look up.
Gabriel was apparently angered by the indirect insult but no one, Castiel saw
clearly, was as angry as Dean.
The boy positively fumed and he had gripped the edge of the dumpster tight
enough to make his knuckles go white. He wasn’t completely sure why though;
Dean’s voice was pretty deep too.
Castiel cleared his throat, the sound a rumble in his chest and the girl all
but mewled.
You should all be getting home. He stated in what he hoped was his best
authoritative voice and shoved the girl back as gently as he could. Dean, come.
He reached out a hand and yanked Dean down from the dumpster. He took a couple
of steps back and was relieved when Dean followed willingly. Realizing he
probably wasn’t the best role-model, he handed Gabriel the rum back.
You shouldn’t be out here, doing this, at this time of night. He told Gabriel,
the only other familiar face. Go home.
Yes Uncle Cas. Gabriel mumbled and Castiel was actually surprised to find that
he probably had gotten through to him.
Thinking his job was done concerning them, he took the only child he really
cared about and all but hauled Dean back to his car.
What were you thinking? Castiel scolded mildly as they were driving away.
I was thinking about you. Dean was very clearly still drunk.
What?
That’s why I called innit? You’re my drunk-dial. He smiled lopsidedly, looking
almost proud.
That’s not what I meant. Castiel sighed but couldn’t help quirking his lips a
little at Dean’s stupid grin. I’m glad you called me, I’m glad we’re talking, I
just wonder why you would go here and drink like that.
Dean shrugged and sank down in his seat a little. I dunno, I like drinking. I
get happy and I don’t remember so much.
Castiel did not like the sound of that. Is there something you want to talk
about?
I dunno… Yeah. Dean looked away. No.
Castiel swallowed. He could guess where this was coming from.
Dean, I’m sorry.
For what?
For... Everything. Castiel sighed and carded his hand through his hair. I
shouldn’t have yelled at you, I shouldn’t have run away.
Dean was staring at him. Even as Castiel pulled the car up to the house, he was
just staring and Castiel sighed again, getting out of the car and preparing to
carry the intoxicated youth to his room if he had to.
But just as he came over to the passenger side Dean flung the car door open and
slammed it shut behind him. The sound was very high in the silence of the
night.
Sorry? Dean hissed, clearly angered even through his buzz and there was no
doubt in Castiel’s mind that Dean had understood what he had been referring to.
He let the teen slam him back against the car. He deserved it. Sorry?
Dean. His hands came up to clasp Dean’s slightly warmer ones where they rested
against his shoulders. You’re drunk. I would love nothing more than to talk to
you about this but not tonight.
Dean squinted at him and Castiel got a bad feeling. You’re right. Dean agreed
and sounded much too calm. We shouldn’t talk at all.
That’s not what I—
In fact, I can think of a number of things I’d rather do.
Castiel’s eyes widened when Dean stepped closer and pressed his thigh against
Castiel’s crotch. He swallowed.
Stop it.
And what if I don’t? Dean leaned closer and his breath danced across Castiel’s
lips. It made Castiel’s stomach flip. Will it still be non-consensual if you
enjoy it?
Castiel winced. Don’t say that.
What? Non-consensual? Dean smirked, moving his thigh ever so slightly. Or that
you enjoy it?
Castiel put his hands on Dean’s shoulder, made to push the teen away but
stopped dead when Dean took the opportunity to put his own hands on Castiel’s
hips. Despite himself he felt himself hardening and he gasped, more appalled
than anything else. He was the adult here. He shouldn’t have let this get even
this far and still, here he was, reacting so shamefully.
Please don’t. Castiel all but whimpered but it seemed the sound of his plea
only spurred Dean on.
He gripped Castiel’s hip hard with one hand while the other slipped up beneath
Castiel’s tee to ghost over his stomach. His muscles fluttered and he felt his
throat constrict when a new wave of arousal washed over him.
You’re so beautiful Cas. Dean breathed against his neck and Castiel couldn’t
help it; he craned his neck back and Dean obviously saw it as permission to
latch his mouth against him.
Castiel groaned when his pants got even tighter. His treacherous hands gripped
the boy tighter and even though he didn’t want to — he didn’t! — he opened his
legs oh so slightly.
Dean moaned deeply against his throat and pressed closer, making his own
arousal very clear to Castiel.
You taste good. Dean mumbled against his skin. You smell good. His hand roamed
over his stomach and chest, the other coming down and to massage his ass and
Castiel all but whined, shaking now. And your body... Dean trailed off with a
whine of his own when his erection rubbed against Castiel’s hip. Fuck.
Castiel’s eyes were teary with restrained arousal and as he felt his control
slip he gripped Dean’s hair — probably too tight — and pulled the boy’s face
away from him. It made Dean moan and roll his hips harder.
Dean. Castiel urged; his voice a low rumble. Dean look at me.
The boy complied and Castiel shuddered at the sight of the dilated pupils,
clearly visible even in the dim light from the street light further down the
street. Castiel couldn’t help himself. There was barely any green left, only
deep blackness and Dean’s hard-on pressed against him, his lips slick with
saliva and his scent, God his scent! It was rich and deep and utterly Dean.
Dean.
Before he could stop himself he was already half-way down to meet the boy’s
plump lips but it was Dean that sealed them. Impatiently arching his back he
pressed his mouth to Castiel’s and this was so not what Castiel had meant to do
but he couldn’t... wouldn’t...
Dean grasped his hip in one hand and his ass in the other and forced their
pelvises together again. Castiel grasped Dean’s face in his hands and tilted
the boy’s head back to deepen the kiss, groaning at how skillfully Dean kissed
him. The boy had learned since last year, he thought and got an acidic feeling
in his stomach. Learned from whom?
Castiel growled and placed a hand at the small of Dean’s back to press him
closer. There was no stopping him now and the teen certainly wasn’t
complaining. Dean’s movements were getting erratic, signaling his release and
Castiel swallowed hard, realizing his wasn’t that far behind himself.
Why Dean? he breathed against the teen’s mouth.
Why what? Dean was positively kneading his ass by now and Castiel was torn
between ripping his pants off or fleeing the scene. I want you Cas, you’re
fucking sexy.
He shook his head. That was not what he had meant. But it was hard to think
with Dean like this. He could feel the boy’s pre-come leak even through all the
layers of clothing and it was intoxicating. He wanted… he wanted to taste it.
Why now? he ground out but dimly recognized that it probably was too late to be
having this conversation. Was that really what he had wanted to say?
Always wanted you Cas. Dean was shaking, he was so close. Not just now, always.
You’re mine. No one else should fucking touch you.
Castiel reeled from the possessive tone, realizing that if Dean’s sudden
determination didn’t stem from the alcohol it most definitely came from that
girl’s earlier touches. He should have known.
Suddenly Dean’s hand was on his painfully hard dick and he gasped, bucking up
against the friction.
Mine. Dean growled again and Castiel heard himself answering, clear as day:
Yes.
Dean came with a shout, rubbing furiously against Castiel’s thigh and gripping
Castiel’s dick hard enough to hurt and fuck it all if that didn’t drive Castiel
over the edge as well.


Chapter End Notes
     Yep, so this happened. Oh, Cassie, whatever will you do now?
***** 02-16-1995 *****


                     *** Even the sun sets in paradise ***


He had finally done it. Well, not really, but it was good enough, he needed
some time away from Dean.
Nora had been surprised that he had been the first one to jump the plane to LA
but in all fairness she had been hounding him about this project for a while
and he had been on again off again about moving to LA.
Sure, this was no real move. It would only last a couple of years and he
promised Mary to be home for Christmas and the likes (he had lied). He hadn’t
given up his apartment either, just telling Mary and John to take care of it in
the meantime. Nora had told him the company would pay for his and his
colleagues living arrangements for one year but Castiel wasn’t worried; he
believed he would be able to afford paying for his little apartment even after
that. And John had told him he and Mary would help otherwise. They obviously
didn’t want him gone, if John’s words were to be trusted, and Castiel suspected
that they thought that by keeping the apartment they would ensure his return.
He wondered if they would want him around as much if they knew what he and Dean
had done while they slept. How he had betrayed them. He thought not.
Dean obviously hadn’t said anything to them though he and Dean hadn’t talked
either. Not for lack of trying on the teen’s part. This last week since the
incident Castiel had divided his time between drinking and cowardly avoiding
the teen, even as he stood knocking on his door. He simply didn’t trust himself
in Dean’s company. Nora’s call had been a blessing.
Now, as he stood checking his packing one last time he could only think how he
hated himself. He was a coward, a pedophile and a traitor. He shouldn’t be
accepting a high-paying job in LA, he should hang himself.
He sighed and stared up at the ceiling. He was too much of a coward for that
too.
Suddenly he heard keys in the lock and turned around, not in the least
surprised to see Dean enter and shut the door. In fact, he had been surprised
the teen hadn’t swiped his parents’ key earlier.
Dean took in the baggage and then turned his angry stare to Castiel, who
cringed only slightly.
So it’s true? he asked, anger evident and Castiel nodded. You’re leavening? he
stepped closer and Castiel braced himself against the kitchen counter but
didn’t otherwise move. Why?
You know why. Castiel whispered. It was not right, what I did to you.
What you did? Dean’s features darkened. What we did, Cas? he hissed and Castiel
wondered helplessly when he had stopped being Uncle Cas and become this
appalling version of Cas that Dean was calling out to.
Don’t say that, I’m the adult here, I’m in the wrong.
And you respond by running away?! Dean kicked one of his suitcases and it
toppled to the floor, probably hurting the teen more. You said you were sorry
for running before and now you’re doing it again? Fuck you!
Language. He whispered, more out of habit but it made Dean calm down just the
same.
He stepped closer and Castiel pressed his lips together in a thin line.
Cas. He said, softly now. I want you, I need you, you can’t leave me now. He
reached out and lightly gripped Castiel’s shirt sleeve. I know what I felt, you
want me too.
And wasn’t that the real issue here? When had Dean replaced John? Could it even
have happened? Dean was still a child. Castiel closed his eyes for the briefest
moment, collecting himself and not at all inhaling Dean’s intoxicating smell,
so much like his father’s and yet so different. So much… better.
I can’t Dean. He all but whispered but he knew the teen had heard him. I’ve
watched you grow up. He opened his eyes and met Dean’s piercing green ones. I
loved your father, it wouldn’t be fair... I just can’t, Dean. His voice had
gone lower and by the end it was barely a breath but he knew Dean heard. The
teen’s crestfallen expression said it all. It looked like Castiel had struck
him and maybe he had, Gods knew he felt physically ill himself.
He swallowed. Please forgive me. He asked, knowing full well he didn’t deserve
it, and pushed past Dean to pick up his bags and leave, leaving Dean alone in
his apartment.


***** 01-10-1978 *****
Chapter Notes
     Okay, background stuff! Also, the feels in this one...


                     *** I know it’s hard to remember ***


Castiel looked up briefly when his boyfriend walked into their shared dorm
room. He smiled a little in way of greeting and returned to his battered copy
of The Outsiders.
There you are. John sighed and slumped down on Castiel’s bed.
Where else would I be on a Tuesday at three in the afternoon? Castiel mumbled
but didn’t look up.
Look, Cas. John rubbed the back of his neck. I wanna talk.
Hm? Castiel finished the sentence he was on before marking the page and closing
the book. What?
It wasn’t that John never wanted to talk, it was rather the fact that he was
looking quite nervous that made Castiel perk up. He leaned forward, frowning
but John held up a hand to stop him.
Don’t make that face.
But you—
I know. John smiled and put a hand on Castiel’s knee. I wanna be serious but
it’s nothing serious Cassie.
Castiel relaxed visibly. John and he were best friends turned lovers as of last
year but it was all still so new and for Castiel, who had wanted John for a
very long time, like an unbelievable dream. It was hard to let go of the
surprise of waking up next to John.
What is it then?
John looked away but he was still smiling so Castiel leaned back and waited
patiently.
What do you think of Mary?
Castiel cocked his head to the side. Mary from American History?
What? John looked confused. Ew, no.
What’s wrong with her? She’s very sweet.
Our Mary, Cas.
Castiel rolled his eyes and laughed at his boyfriend and when John realized he
was being toyed with he chuckled too. Of course Castiel knew what Mary he was
talking about. Mary who was their friend. It was him and John, Crowley and his
on again off again girlfriend Abaddon and, as of late, Mary and her friend
Anna. They had been a steady gang all through high school and Castiel liked all
of them.
What about her? he asked, still smiling.
John looked away again and started fiddling with Castiel’s pant legs. She’s
cute, right?
I suppose.
Remember that porno we watched this Friday?
Of course he remembered. It wasn’t that often that they managed to get their
hands on pornography. Castiel didn’t really mind, all he needed was John but
John liked them and the sex was always awesome. The one John was referring to
had been a threesome, two men and a woman. Castiel got a sour feeling in the
pit of his stomach.
What about it? he tried to keep his face neutral.
Well... John wouldn’t look him in the eyes. How certain are you that you only
like guys?
Icy tendrils. It was all Castiel could feel. They stretched from his stomach,
up his chest and all the way to his heart, squeezing tight.
Pretty sure. He stated, voice surprisingly steady.
Oh. John gnawed at his lower lip. That’s good I guess.
The icy tendrils turned to burning flames at the disappointed look on John’s
handsome face. Had he wanted…? Yes, Castiel realized. He was not good enough.
He wanted to scream, he wanted to hit and he wanted to cry. But oh how he loved
John, still. So all he did was hug his knees and take a deep breath.
Do you wanna try a threesome with Mary?
John’s face lit up but he desperately tried to conceal his mirth. For Castiel’s
sake, he supposed but somehow it made it worse. Castiel swallowed hard against
the lump in his throat. John had said he was his. That they were each other’s
and no one else’s. Still, Castiel supposed as the lump grew bigger, he could
hardly blame John for anything he had said during sex. They had always been
best friends and John had always known Castiel liked boys more than girls and
yet it had only been last year that they had gotten around to doing anything.
Perhaps, Castiel thought and managed to blink the tears away, perhaps Castiel
had always been a little more invested than John.
Only if you think it’s okay. John exclaimed and jumped off the bed and Castiel
seriously doubted that it mattered what he thought at that moment.
Of course. He croaked but John didn’t seem hear his tone. In hindsight, yet
another sign.
I’ll go talk to her right away.
Just... he trailed off and John turned to actually look at him. Just break it
to her easily. He tried to smile and must have succeeded because John smiled
back and bounced out the door.
Castiel lay down on the bed, curling in on himself. It would be alright he
thought. Perhaps he was over-reacting. It was only a threesome after all. He
wasn’t being excluded, John had wanted his approval. Besides, he had always
known that John was bisexual and there was nothing wrong with that. So he
wanted to experiment a little, what did that matter? He had said Castiel was
his and Castiel believed that. He trusted John, he would never betray Castiel.
He loved him, he had said so and Castiel believed him. He had to.


***** 05-31-1978 *****
Chapter Notes
     Angst coming up!
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                 *** Where are the plans we made for two? ***


The first part of the year had practically flown past. It had been a flurry of
exams and homework and Mary. Lots and lots of Mary.
Every evening when Castiel returned to his and John’s room she would be there
and more often than not she was still there when he woke up. Their beds were
too narrow to sleep three so they had resorted to pushing them together. When
the dorm mistress had seen it they had had to change it back though and John
had said that maybe it was for the better. He had been the one to sleep in the
middle and the edges of the beds had created a crevice where he tended to slip
down. It hurt his back, he explained. Castiel got that. What he didn’t get was
why that explanation led to John sleeping in his own bed with Mary while
Castiel slept on the other side of the room, alone.
He and John still spent time alone though so he supposed he couldn’t complain
too much. Too bad most of that time was spent studying or eating or anything
else just as friendly and definitely non-sex related. Granted, they still had
sex but Mary was more often than not involved and it was starting to grate on
Castiel’s libido. The last times he had even turned John down and he knew that
John had gone to Mary’s room alone and he could only imagine so well what went
on there.
They had talked about it. Or rather, they had talked about why Castiel didn’t
want to come with but his explanation that he simply didn’t like girls didn’t
seem to get through to John. John thought that as long as he was there too
there was no problem. Then there would be a guy there for Castiel to ogle, so
what was the problem?
Castiel sighed and tossed his pen down on the desk, his half-finished homework
forgotten. He and John had barely talked the last week and Castiel supposed it
was his fault. He had been avoiding his boyfriend in favor of moping about
their current situation. He couldn’t blame John if he was getting fed up with
Castiel’s behavior. He would have to talk to John; it wasn’t his fault that he
didn’t get it. Subtle hints clearly weren’t his thing. If Castiel just
explained that he wanted to get back to how they had been before he was sure
that John would understand. And if he didn’t... Well, Castiel would just have
to jump that hurdle when he got there.
Just as he turned around John entered, looking like he was going to be sick.
Castiel was immediately at his side. What’s wrong?
John sat on his bed, shaking and Castiel sat down by his side, hugging him and
rubbing his arms to get the shaking to stop. When John turned frightened eyes
to him Castiel’s heart almost stopped.
Cas. John pressed out. Cas you know I...
John. Castiel said firmly when John quieted. Talk to me.
You know I love you right? John forced out, so fast Castiel almost didn’t catch
it.
Of course, I love you too.
John wretched free of Castiel’s embrace and stood, pacing the room. Don’t say
that! God. He made a turn and stopped to look at a surprised Castiel. Man, I
fucked up Cas. I-I... Fuck! he started pacing again and Castiel’s stomach
turned. He felt ill.
Sit down John, you’re making me nervous. He said as calmly as he could but John
just kept pacing. Sit down!
John stared at him with wild eyes and Castiel was a little surprised himself.
He had not just sounded like his father, had he? John slumped down on Castiel’s
bed.
Sorry. He all but whispered and Castiel nodded.
It’s fine. Now tell me.
John nodded. I... Mary and I, we... he cleared his throat but Castiel nodded.
I already know that, I’m not a fool John. He looked down at his hands when John
stared at him. I’m not happy about it; I actually wanted to talk to you about
it. Maybe... maybe you could-we could stop with Mary. I like her but I love you
and I don’t really like to share—
She’s pregnant. John blurted out and effectively ended Castiel’s tirade.
Wha... What?
I just... Fuck. John looked down and rubbed his hands through his hair. I got
her pregnant Cas, I don’t know what to do.
Are you... Castiel felt all the color drain from his face. Are you asking me
what you should do with the baby? he asked rising slowly as John stared at him
with big eyes. Are you seriously asking me, your boyfriend, what you should do
with the baby of a woman you knocked up, behind my back?! he was screaming at
the end but he didn’t care if the whole dorm knew. He wanted to hurt John, he
wanted to smash the room up. He wanted to cry and hide in a hole.
Cas, no—
No what John? No, I’m not your boyfriend anymore? No, I was never? No, it’s not
the baby this concerns?
John rose too and made to touch him but Castiel jerked back. Cas please, I need
you.
For what?!
I... John looked down when Castiel once again stepped out of his reach. When
Mary told me I just realized that it was all too real. What I was doing with
her and what it was doing to us, you and me Cas.
Castiel squinted in anger. You realized that now?
What do you want me to say? John exclaimed and looked at him, sad and pleading.
I’m a fool. I fucked up. I fuck you up and I fucked Mary up. She’s upset too,
she knows it was you and me from the beginning, she doesn’t want to come in-
between.
I’m sure she doesn’t.
Don’t... John sighed but it was a shuddering breath. Don’t talk about her like
that, this isn’t he fault.
I know.
John looked at him, his eyes round with fear and loss. What do I do Cas? I
don’t want to lose you.
You already have, Castiel thought but it wasn’t fair. He couldn’t bear to lose
John either, even after this.
Is that really your only concern? He said dryly but when John just looked at
him he had to bite his tongue to keep from hitting the other man. John was not
strong enough; Castiel would have to be strong for both of them. You should
keep the baby. Castiel said bitterly. And not like she should keep it, you
should be with her John. Only her.
Cas, no.
Yes John. Castiel cleared his throat, angry at the lump there. Angry overall.
You should deal with the consequences of your actions.
He tried to bat John’s hand away again but didn’t have the strength left. The
hug that John pulled him in was crushing and Castiel took a moment to revel in
John’s scent.
I can’t lose you Cas. John whispered.
I’m sorry John. Castiel refrained from hugging back. You should’ve thought
about that before... Before...
I know.
Castiel finally gave in and let the tears wrack his body. He was proud to say
that he didn’t utter a sound, even if it still was painfully obvious that he
was crying, especially when he started gasping for air. John just held him the
entire time.
When he had finally calmed down he untangled himself and stepped back and saw
that John had cried too. It was too much and he turned away.
You must love the child John. For everything it represents, we must love it
harder.
Cas, please don’t leave me.
He looked at John, his John, his beautiful, handsome John and Castiel felt his
heart break. He could never say no to John.
What would you have me do? he whispered and John took his hand, the touch
already foreign.
Just stay. Please. I will do whatever you want; we will make it work with Mary
and the baby and everything. I will love them but I can’t... you can’t make me
not love you. Please stay.
Castiel closed his eyes. It was too much, John was asking too much. But the
prospect of losing John completely was crushing Castiel. To live completely
without John would be no living at all, he knew that.
So selfish, he thought, not knowing if he meant himself or John.
I will. He answered, eyes still closed. I will stay. We're still best friends,
right?
Castiel didn’t have to open his eyes to know that John was crying again. His
voice said it all.
Forever.
Forever. Castiel agreed.


Chapter End Notes
     Gods, lots of selfishness going on here...
***** 01-17-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     Haha, I guess the 1978-part was a bit of a shocker... I hope you guys
     are not deterred by the actually very huge gap in their ages!
     Anyways, time to pick up the pace again now that we got the
     background out of the way.


                      *** Part 1: Trying to call home ***


Castiel sipped coffee as he walked around in his apartment, checking to see how
the place had fared without him. Better, he decided distractedly as he noticed
the decidedly alive flowers that now adorned his windows. Mary has been a busy
little bee, he thought fondly and nipped a fat leafed monstrosity between the
tips of his fingers. It had beautiful flowers but no smell. Still, his
apartment smelled much better than he had thought it would and he had realized
that it had been put to use the moment he had stepped through the door. When he
had asked John, his friend had admitted to him and Mary borrowing it. Sam had
apparently been allowed to use it for a sleep-over once in a while as well and
Castiel didn’t know why but the thought that Mary and John thought their
youngest would be safe enough in his apartment made Castiel’s chest warm with
pride.
Castiel didn’t ask if Dean had been there too but he had found evidence of the
teen as well. The fact that John didn’t mention him made Castile think that
maybe Dean had been there without his parents’ knowledge. It felt strange and
oddly thrilling and Castiel was angry with himself because of that feeling. The
whole point of him spending time away was to get rid of the feelings and he had
supposed he had managed to do just that. But he also hadn’t talked to Dean in
nearly two years and it was making him uneasy and sad, quite frankly.
He and John had talked a lot. Mary had called and even Sam had taken time from
his busy schedule to tell his Uncle Cas all about his soccer team, his — not —
girlfriend Ruby and his latest test scores, high as usual. Castiel had been so
proud of the boy. And at the same time shamed that all he wanted to do was ask
how Dean was doing. What was going on with Dean? Why hadn’t Dean called? Mary
had said once that Dean missed him just as much as the rest of the Winchesters
but he hadn’t dared to ask more.
He had missed them all terribly and even though they — at least the adults —
completely understood that he had to prioritize his work none of them
understood why that had to have meant that he missed out on birthdays and
Christmases. He had no good excuses. Not for them.
He had wanted to stay away long enough for Dean and him to cool down so that
they could have a calm discussion about what had happened. He had even worked
out a whole speech and then chickened out in the last moment and prolonged his
visit almost half a year before Nora had told him that she needed him back in
Lawrence if he wasn’t planning on staying in LA, in which case she would have
to find a replacement for him. It had been the kick in the ass he had needed
and he had uprooted his little life in LA and been back on a plane to Lawrence
before the week was up.
John had been thrilled when he had called and if Castiel had had any
reservations about telling the Winchesters he completely forgot about them when
he heard John’s fond tone. And now, to come home and find his place so cleaned
and welcoming, he certainly didn’t regret telling them. Mary had been so happy
she was fixing him dinner tonight. Had it been anyone else Castiel would have
said no. He was barely through the door and he would honestly love to just sit
down on his couch but he could never say no to the Winchesters. It was his
biggest flaw.
He leafed through the mail he had gotten the last week. He had never bothered
to change his address to LA, opting instead to have John and Mary send it to
him, yet another sign that he was returning he guessed, and he had told them
not to do it this week since he would be coming back anyway.
There was not much there though. A bill, some flyers and a post card from
Balthazar, living it up on the east coast. Balthazar had moved not long after
Castiel had left but they still kept in touch and Castiel supposed that was
good. A part of him would have liked Balthazar around, his cock alone could
work wonders on Castiel’s mood, but on the other hand he realized it was good
Balthazar had moved away. His presence was a more effective coping mechanism
than drugs but just as addictive and potentially dangerous.
Downing the last of the coffee, Castiel pinned Balthazar’s card to the fridge
and stepped back, admiring his work with a smile just as his phone rang.
Hi Cas. John said before Castiel had even swallowed the last of the coffee.
John. He coughed. Excited about the dinner in my honor?
Smug much?
Castiel laughed. What do you need John?
John was strangely silent before answering. Why do you assume I always need
something?
Habit, Castiel thought but decided against saying. He was in a good mood
despite everything, looking forward to the dinner with his family and actually
feeling good about being back.
So you only called me to tell me I’m the most gorgeous person in the whole
world? he asked, keeping his tone smug. How thoughtful of you.
John actually laughed and Castiel was happy his charade had worked because he
really couldn’t afford anything else at the moment.
You’d think so but no dice. John said, mirth present in his tone. I actually do
need something.
Castiel sighed, so the player had been the playee all along? Figures. He mused,
feeling oddly empty about how something he often thought about was just a joke
to John. What is it?
Can you go pick Dean up from school?
Such an innocent request. He had done it a million times but this was the first
time his throat constricted at the question. His first talk with Dean since he
left him standing in this very apartment was being forced upon him and it made
him choke. They would talk much sooner than he had anticipated, and probably
alone. All his long speeches had suddenly flown out the window and he barely
heard John talking.
Cas?
Sorry, yeah... he took a deep breath. Sure. He confirmed.
I know he has been upset with you for leaving Cas. I can’t imagine why but I
want it to stop, he’s soon an adult and I’m getting tired of him moping around.
John said a little sternly and Castiel squeezed his eyes shut. He really has
missed his uncle though, John added, softer. I know it hasn’t seemed like it to
you but you know how it is at that age.
Dean was seventeen, soon to turn eighteen. Castiel remembered all too well what
that age had been like.
Yes of course, I understand. He pressed out.
I said I would pick him up so he didn’t have to take the bus today but I just
thought I’d give you a chance to talk before dinner. And Sam’ll be home already
so don’t worry about him. John continued and Castiel pressed the phone to his
ear so hard it hurt. Was John aware of what he was setting up?
No problem.
Also, I’m kinda stuck at work so there’s that too, don’t tell Mary.
He could hear John’s amusement and was very glad he was on the phone so the
other man couldn’t see his panicked face.
Sure.


                   *** Part 2: Still stuck in that time ***


So the time had finally come. His wayward uncle was finally returning home.
Dean didn’t know if he was ecstatic or angry so he had settled somewhere in-
between and it was driving both him and his friends mad.
He and Cas hadn’t talked even once since Cas had left. Not once. Dean had
wanted to, so much, but he had been weak. Castiel was everything to him and
when the man had gone to such lengths to avoid Dean — even as far as to move
away — it had been painfully clear to Dean that he was still just a child to
Cas. An inconvenience. What was worse was that he had the nagging feeling that
whatever they had shared — however small — had just been some long-forgotten
memory of John playing with Cas’ mind.
It hadn’t seemed like it at the time but with the distance and the time between
them Dean had started to wonder and it ate him up. He was still young after all
and he thought maybe he had misinterpreted the situation. Just because Cas had
come in his pants at Dean’s touch didn’t actually mean he liked Dean, a fact
Dean had been unpleasantly introduced to when Gabriel had told him of his
escapades with a brunette from math class. At first it had made him angry and
then, later, sad and resigned.
So, he had thought, better to just get over his crush. Because that was what it
had to be, right? Cas had even said so himself. Never mind that he frequently
woke up painfully hard from wet dreams about his uncle and never mind that he
usually beat off to the memory of Castiel’s hands in his hair when he showered.
Never mind his heart clenching at even the merest mention of Cas, like it had
done his whole life. It was all just a crush.
Dean had even tried liking other guys and this one girl but it had been no use.
Oh they had liked him alright but just at their touch he had cringed away.
Gabriel was seriously starting to wonder but Dean refused to say anything.
Still, he had felt like he was making progress and maybe even getting over Cas.
That was until Cas’ drunk dial.
He very seriously doubted his uncle remembered making the call, mostly so
because it had consisted mainly of Cas’ heavy breathing and Dean groggily
wiping sleep from his eyes. But then he had said Cas’ name and Cas had freaking
moaned Dean’s name in response. The sound had been so desperate and so not what
Dean had needed when he was trying to get over the man. The call had ended
seconds later when Cas either hung up or dropped his phone.
Dean had spent that night furiously tugging his dick and wishing Cas was there.
Just when he thought he was doing good — when he thought he was beginning to
understand where Cas’ arguments were coming from — the man pulled him back.
Just like that. So easy.
And now he was home.
When John had told them that Uncle Cas was coming home everyone had been happy,
Dean too, in a way, but he was mostly nervous. And nauseated. For the whole
week he had been as if in a daze. What would he say, what would he do? He
wanted to talk to Cas about what he had done, he realized now that he had been
unfair to the man. Dean had been a child after all but no more. In just one
week Dean would be eighteen and Cas couldn’t use that as an argument anymore.
Problem was; Dean wasn’t certain he dared bring this up again. His plan had
been to get over Cas but that clearly hadn’t worked. Still, there was that
nagging feeling that he didn’t really know what Cas wanted. Apart from space,
that was.
Seriously? Gabe smacked him on the shoulder and Dean was torn away from his
musings. Are you even listening?
No. Dean answered truthfully and Jo giggled at him.
What’re you thinking about? Jo asked and Dean tried not to blush. They were,
after all, still in school, hanging out in the yard.
Nothing. He mumbled and Gabriel snorted and pulled up his cigarette pack to
pull two out. Putting one behind his ear he offered the pack to the other two
but they both shook their heads.
Right, Dean-o. He drawled and lit the other cigarette to take a drag.
Latest conquest? Jo offered and Dean couldn’t save that blush no matter how
hard he tried. To think about Cas as a conquest, to see him laid out, sweaty
and needy and reaching for... It did things to Dean, things not appropriate in
a school yard.
No. He pushed out and wondered where this reputation for sexual deviances had
come from. If anyone, Gabe was the promiscuous one of the three of them. Maybe
it was the sultry looks women tended to give him. He knew Gabriel was jealous
of those but he could have them for all Dean cared. There was only one pair of
eyes he wanted staring at him.
Gabe laughed and took another drag. It is! he exclaimed.
Shut up. Dean spat and his friends looked surprised at him.
Sorry. Gabriel said after a while but not sounding sorry at all. Dean would
never live this down. I didn’t realize there hadn’t been any conquest yet.
Would you stop using that word?
Oh. Jo’s eyes were round. That’s why you’ve been so grumpy lately.
Dean sighed. Look, would you just drop it ple— he stopped when he felt his
phone ringing. The caller ID read dad so he turned around before answering.
What?
Well, hello to you too, son. John chuckled but Dean pressed his lips together.
It was hard to forget that this was his biggest competition for Cas’ affection,
even if John didn’t know that — heck, Dean didn’t even know if Cas knew, or if
he knew that Dean knew. It was frigging irritating. I just called to tell you
there’s been some slight change of plans.
What? he asked again, not quite as harshly. Cas hadn’t high-tailed out of
Lawrence again, had he?
I’m stuck at work so Uncle Cas’ll be coming to pick you up. He still has his
Lincoln, so don’t watch out for the Impala.
Dean had stopped listening after the first sentence. Cas was picking him up?
Did he know it would only be Dean? This couldn’t be chance. Cas coming to pick
him up on his very first day back. Had John set this up? No, that seemed highly
unlikely. But had Cas? Really?
O-okay. He stuttered, feeling his face flush bright red. Behind him, Jo and
Gabriel were perking up, obviously noting his attitude change.
Okay? John asked, sounding relieved for some reason. Good. Look son, I know
you’re angry with Uncle Cas for leaving but you should talk to him. You’re
almost an adult yourself and you need to know that it comes with
responsibilities—
I said okay! Dean snapped and hung up before John could continue.
What was that about? Jo asked, looking surprised. Dean avoided her gaze but the
one Gabe was giving him wasn’t in the least better.
Nothing, just my ride. He mumbled and pocketed his phone.
Oh my God. Gabriel said and pointed at him with his cigarette butt. It was your
conquest.
Dean looked at him, appalled. N-no. He stammered, not even convincing himself.
No it wasn’t, it was just dad. He just told me—
Then why are you blushing? Jo asked and pinched his cheeks.
I’m not!
Dean and phone-girl sitting in a tree. Gabe sang and danced out of the way when
Dean swiped at him. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! He continued, now joined by Jo who tittered
when Dean turned his death glare on her.
Suddenly there was a honk and the three of them turned around. Dean immediately
recognized the Lincoln as it slid to a stop beside the curb, not twenty feet
away from them. Cas was sitting in the driver’s seat and when he saw Dean
staring he waved a little. Dean swallowed hard.
Oh, it’s just your uncle. Jo said, sounding almost disappointed. I thought you
said he moved.
He’s back. Dean said, not noticing the roughness of his own voice.
Gabriel looked between him and Cas and suddenly made a face. Oh... he said but
Dean ignored him.
He picked up his back-pack and without another word to his friends made his way
over to Cas, who was still waiting in his car.


                  *** Part 3: I know I’ve said it before ***


Dean glanced nervously at Cas as they were driving quietly through town. He
wanted to talk, he didn’t want to talk, it was making his throat constrict. Cas
was so close. He had his stupid shirt sleeves rolled up to reveal his stupid
arms and they looked so sinewy and strong. Dean bit the inside of his cheek and
looked away. Castiel’s scent was driving him mad, and he was realizing that
suffocating his feelings might not be the way to go. Dean was a damn good
repressor of feelings but this… this was hard.
There was that and then there was the thought that maybe he didn’t want to
suppress them, however guilty that made him feel.
He cleared his throat and in the corner of his eye he saw Cas jump a little.
So... he noticed Cas shift. Why are you so early?
Pardon?
God, his voice. Dean had all but forgotten (repressed?).
I had barely hung up on John, I didn’t think dinner was until seven? he
clarified and Cas thumped his fingers against the wheel as they waited for the
traffic lights to switch. The movement was mesmerizing. God, Dean was turning
into such a girl…
I just thought it’d give us time to talk.
Dean nodded. Sure.
The silence was deafening. Palpable. Dean started sweating.
Look. Cas sighed after some time. I shouldn’t have run away, again.
I thought you moved to LA for your job?
Cas looked at him for the first time since Dean had sat down, a kind of side-
ways glace that made the hairs on Dean’s neck stand on edge.
We both know why I moved.
Dean coughed a little. Yeah. He supplied meekly. Cas, thing is, I kinda get it
now. Cas raised a questioning eyebrow but kept his gaze on the road. Don’t get
me wrong, Dean continued as they drove up the street Cas’ apartment was on. I
don’t regret what I feel and I don’t take it back, I just... I shouldn’t have
forced it on you. You were right, I was a child and I was stupid and too eager
and—
Cas turned to him as the car came to a stop in the garage beneath the building.
‘Feel’? he repeated and looked... confused? ‘Was’?
Dean frowned. What?
Cas sighed again and turned off the ignition, turning completely to Dean. Dean,
the whole point of me running away was for us to get a chance to cool down.
I know. Dean nodded but clung to the word us for dear life. And it kinda had
but you... he trailed off, debating whether to tell Cas about that drunken
phone call or not. You just pulled me back.
Cas looked pained. I’m sorry. He nearly whispered. I shouldn’t have come back
then.
Cas, no—
I just missed you. He looked up, his beautiful blues looking wild with
emotions. You all, I mean, I—
Dean put a hand on Cas’ shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. I know Cas. He
smiled, trying to sound mature and calm. Above all he tried to sound steady
because it had almost sounded like Cas had meant... No, probably not. Better to
not get worked up.
But Cas leaned against his touch and Dean’s breath caught in his throat, was he
even aware he was doing it?
I want us to be able to go back to how we were Dean. Cas was saying but his
voice was low and gravelly and it went straight to Dean’s groin. Won’t you come
up for a little while? We can talk about the past two years. I’ve missed
talking to you.
Dean swallowed hard and wondered if Cas knew he was nuzzling Dean’s hand. I
don’t think that’s such a good idea Cas. He rasped and bit his tongue when Cas
shuddered. Did he even know?
Dean, please. I don’t want you to be angry with me anymore.
I’m not angry Cas. Dean mumbled, unable to keep from leaning forward anymore. I
was never angry. Sad and confused, yes but... Cas smelled clean and musky. I’ve
always loved you Cas, even before I knew what that meant.
Cas winced and made to move back but Dean was too close to his goal to back
down now, his reservations about this blow to bits. His other hand gripped the
front of Cas’ shirt and pulled him close. Their lips met in the briefest of
kisses and Dean couldn’t help himself, wouldn’t stop now. He moaned and scooted
even closer, his leg bumping Cas’. Fuck repressing this shit, he thought
desperately when Cas made a breathless noise and snaked his arm around Dean’s
waist.
Don’t say you love me Dean. He moaned against Dean’s mouth. Not me. I don’t
deserve it.
Stop saying that. Dean’s hands roamed Cas’ body and he was trying to pull the
other man even closer but the interior of the car was getting in the way. His
erection was straining against his jeans but he ignored it for the moment. This
was all about Cas. His Cas.
But when he put his palm against Cas’ prominent bulge the other man stopped
him. Cas’ hand around his wrist was tight but even that felt good somehow. Dean
moaned and buried his head in Cas’ neck.
Dean, don’t.
But why? Dean opted to lick Cas’ neck but Cas jerked back with a painful
expression.
You still don’t know what you’re asking. Cas pulled Dean’s hands away from him
and Dean got a sour feeling in his stomach.
What I’m asking, Cas? he said and inclined his head towards the man. Cas didn’t
move back.
You don’t know what this means. Cas’ breath ghosted over Dean’s face. You’re
still young—
Dean yanked himself free of Cas’ grip, anger boiling up in his throat. Suddenly
tired and exhausted with Cas’ contradicting body language and words. Don’t know
what this means? he spat out. So much for being mature. Don’t you think I’m old
enough to know about sex Cas? Why? Why was Cas giving him such conflicting
signals, making this so much more difficult than it had to be? Dean had almost
gotten over the other man too, had understood that he had been too young before
but now? This time around it was all on Cas.
Dean. Cas looked pleadingly at him. That was not what I meant.
Then what Cas? Dean was almost yelling but even if there had been anyone
outside the car he wouldn’t have cared. I’m fed up with this Cas. I was too
young, I was but I’ll be eighteen next week, you can’t use that as an argument
anymore.
I’m not, Dean, Cas carded his hands through his hair and looked haunted. Dean
wanted to kiss the expression away but his anger kept him from doing anything
comforting to the other man. You-you’re John’s son and I… You just don’t get
what sex between us would mean, I can’t—
Dean’s stomach dropped. Are you saying it’s because I’m a virgin? he hissed
out, hardly believing Cas would sink so low.
Cas looked as if Dean had struck him. What? No! How would I...? I wouldn’t
presume to kn—
Well, I’m sorry Cas. Dean sneered. I’m sorry I’m not as experienced as you.
It’s not for lack of trying. He stubbornly refused to look at Cas, fearing
those knowing eyes.
Dean...
I tried alright! Dean suddenly screamed and Cas jumped in the seat beside him,
looking frightened and Dean took perverse pleasure in that. I tried to get over
you by kissing another guy but all I could see was you. And how the guy
couldn’t even measure up.
Cas was just looking at him and Dean couldn’t take it. When Cas swallowed as if
gearing up to say something Dean scrambled for the door instead.
I don’t think it’s so wise to come up with you. He muttered and swatted Cas’
hand away when the man reached for him. I’ll see you at dinner Cas.
Dean, don’t leave.
Face it Cas. Dean said condescendingly and leaned down to look at his former
uncle. I can’t be trusted around you, I might do something inappropriate.
He didn’t wait for a reply, instead he just slammed the door in Cas’ stupid
face and ran away.


                                     *****


Suffice to say, it was one of the most uncomfortable dinners in the Winchesters
household to date. Even Sam and his parents noticed. John raised his eyebrows
at Cas but Cas just shrugged and said he was tired. He excused himself right
after they were done and drove back to his apartment. John turned his gaze at
Dean, looking like he was just realizing something and was about to be mad with
Dean about it and Dean didn’t want to hear it.
Only when he had retreated to Jo’s room above the Roadhouse did he realize he
had left his phone in his back-pack, in Cas’ car.
Fucking of course. He muttered and smacked his head against the wall hard
enough to startle Jo.


***** 01-23-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     Trigger warning: Alcohol as a coping method, Sex as a coping method
     Yes, so this is happening...
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                        *** Or whatever you call it ***


Castiel sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. The last week had been rough. Nora
had given him some time off to recuperate from the travel and to get back into
his life here in Lawrence and he was gladder than ever that he had agreed. That
the time had been spent drinking and sleeping, however, was not something he
was proud of.
He had only been at the Winchesters’ once after that god-awful dinner and it
had been to return Dean’s back-pack. John had noted his state of hangover but
Castiel had explained it off as jet lag even when he knew John could smell the
rum on his breath. John had accepted the excuse though but when Castiel had
refused his dinner-invitation in favor of stumbling out to his car he had
gotten a frown in return. Still, John had said nothing and Castiel was
immensely grateful for that.
How could he tell John that he couldn’t stay for dinner because he feared Dean
would be there? He hadn’t talked to Dean in the last week and couldn’t start
now. Not after what had happened in the car and certainly not after what he had
discovered when he had opened the teen’s phone. He knew he shouldn’t have and
it shamed him but he had gotten a nagging feeling in the back of his head when
Dean had said Castiel had been the one to pull him back into their dance. He
had at first thought Dean had meant figuratively, perhaps by just being too
close to the young man — and fucking encouraging him in the car by leaning
closer, really Castiel?! — but then he had remembered something, far back in
his mind.
He had been drunk that time. Much more drunk than now and homesick and Dean had
been the one on his mind. Castiel remembered that now. Dean. Not John. The
implications made his stomach churn.
He had gone through his phone but the imagined call had been too far back, he
supposed. So he had gone to Dean’s phone and hoped that perhaps Dean didn’t use
his as much as Castiel used his. What he had found had been enough to break his
willpower and for him to resort to the bottle.
Dean had saved every call and every text Castiel had ever sent him since he’d
gotten the phone. The list was depressingly short in the three-year span but
the fact that everyone else’s call or text except the very recent ones had been
erased in favor of saving place for Castiel’s nonsense — picking you up at
four, I’m cooking, pizza?, Sam’s already home — had been something Castiel
almost couldn’t handle. The thought that Dean had saved them, it... it made
Castiel cry, to be frank. He had done so much wrong by the kid and he didn’t
know if he could ever make it up. Dean shouldn’t want him like this. He wasn’t
the man Dean deserved; he wasn’t anyone.
The bottles soothed him. But when he remembered why he had been looking at
Dean’s phone in the first place he had sobered up enough to manage to open it
again. That had been a mistake.
Even though he had no evidence left on his own phone he clearly saw the
registered call on Dean’s. In the middle of the night, nearly half a year ago,
about the same time he had decided to prolong his stay. The call was short and
Castiel couldn’t remember anything about it but had a nagging feeling that it
had something to do with his decision to stay in LA. The realization had made
Castiel cry again and only the rum had comforted him.
Now, several days later, Castiel was beginning to realize he was being
childish. Maybe Dean had the right of this? He regretted not stopping Dean from
leaving his car and the memory of Dean’s hurt face made his heart clench. He
hadn’t meant what Dean had thought, obviously. He was uncertain of his own
feelings, that was all. Was Dean just a replacement for John? Castiel wanted to
say no but he couldn’t, not for sure.
Still, his drunk dial had been Dean, not John, and that had to count for
something, right?
Castiel sighed again and heaved himself off the couch, ignoring his pounding
head. Why was he even thinking about that? He was twice Dean’s age and Dean had
grown up with him as his uncle. It was still wrong, even if Dean technically
became legal tomorrow. Dean was right about that at least; Castiel couldn’t use
the legality of it as an argument anymore. He would have to be honest with the
boy now and how could he when he couldn’t even be honest with himself?
Goddammit. He muttered but was startled out of his musings when his phone rang.
The number was unknown and Castiel frowned at it for a while before answering.
Hello?
Novak! even that one word was enough to reveal the man’s thick accent.
Despite everything, Castiel caught himself smiling. Crowley.
How you doing love? Crowley always sounded like he was on the move, swinging
and swaggering. I hear you’re back in Lawrence.
Castiel sat down again. He hadn’t talked to Crowley for at least seven years
and the break from the last couple of years’ events felt good. It felt like old
times.
What do you care? Castiel let his smile transfer to his tone of voice. I heard
you moved to Florida.
Ugh. Crowley snorted. Too hot for me. No, I’m back too. Kind of. For a while at
least.
How’d you get my number?
Is that really your only question?
Castiel laughed, calmed by how easy it was to talk to his old friend. Do you
perhaps want to meet and catch up?
I never thought you’d ask Cassie.
I could call John and Mary and we—
I rather thought you and me could talk. Crowley sounded mischievous and Castiel
frowned lightly. He remembered Crowley’s falling out with John very well but
had hoped he would be over it by now. What had happened wasn’t, after all,
really Crowley’s business. He hadn’t forgotten how easily Crowley could
manipulate people into getting what he wanted and he wondered briefly why
exactly Crowley had called him.
Sure. He answered, dragging the syllable out. When?
There was a knock on his door and he squinted at it.
Now? Crowley suggested and Castiel couldn’t help himself, he laughed right in
Crowley’s ear but his friend didn’t seem to mind. Are you going to open? he
asked instead, obviously amused.
How’d you know I was home? Castiel asked as he opened the door and shut off his
phone, staring at Crowley’s smug grin.
Crowley shrugged. Lucky guess. Plus that ugly Lincoln outside could only be
yours.
Castiel made a face at him but pulled him in for a hug before letting him in,
only then realizing what an ugly state his apartment was in. He set to picking
up dishes and trash as Crowley seated himself on the couch.
How do you even know where I live?
Please, give me come credit. Crowley eyed the half-empty bottle of rum that
stood precariously close to the edge of the coffee table. Also, you haven’t
moved from this apartment since you got it love.
Castiel slumped down beside his friend when he realized the apartment was as
good as it was going to get at this point.
That’s true. He sighed and propped one arm on the back of the couch to lean his
head against as he considered his friend. What are you doing back here?


                                     *****


They talked about nothing and everything for a couple of hours and Castiel was
happy to relive old memories and to hear about Crowley’s life. How his work had
been going — good — how his and Abaddon’s relationship had been — bad, and long
since over — what he was doing now and what he wanted to do in the future.
Castiel was, however, careful to avoid questions about his own life. Crowley
was always good at getting to the core and Castiel was uncomfortable with his
own core at the moment. But of course his old friend would notice. Crowley’s
hair may have reclined but his wit had only grown sharper.
What’s up Cas? he eventually asked, obviously tired of Castiel’s questions.
What do you mean? Castiel sipped the coffee he had brewed just moments before.
Crowley rolled his eyes. With you.
I’m not sure what you—
Crowley grabbed the rum bottle. And this. Morgan your new best pal?
Castiel made a face. It’s from last night.
It’s in the middle of the week.
I’m on a break.
Crowley just looked at him, his eyes half-lidded and full of consideration.
Castiel didn’t like it. How is your pal?
Castiel decided to not play stupid. Crowley had been there in high school with
them. He had been there before and after the decision.
Fine. He’s still living here in Lawrence.
And the family?
Fine too. Castiel finally met Crowley’s gaze. You should call them, I’m sure
they’d be happy to hear from you.
Crowley cocked his head to the side in obvious mockery of the way Castiel did
it when he was thinking or confused.
You know, I always thought what he did to you was mean.
Castiel winced but wished he hadn’t. I know, you said so when it happened. More
than once.
Do you that John and I haven’t talked since high school?
Of course Castiel knew. The brawl they’d had was legendary at the dorms, even
now, and you just didn’t get over stuff like what they’d said to each other
then.
Let’s not talk about that Fergus. He mumbled. It was long ago and I’ve forgiven
him, you shouldn’t be mad at him anymore.
Someone should. You shouldn’t have forgiven him. Crowley put a surprisingly
soft hand on Castiel’s cheek. You should’ve chopped his cock off in his sleep.
Castiel chuckled a little. You’ve said that too.
And I meant it. Crowley gestured to the rum. Look what you turning the other
cheek have led you to: drinking in the middle of the week and crying on your
couch.
Castiel swallowed, his mouth dry. He couldn’t tell Crowley the real reason he
was drinking himself into an early stupor. He trusted his friend but they
hadn’t seen each other for many years now and even if that hadn’t been true he
still couldn’t tell him it was thoughts of Dean that kept Castiel awake at
night. But to have Crowley still be mad at John on Castiel’s behalf was not
much better, was it?
It’s not what you think. He mumbled weakly and cast his eyes down. I do have a
life outside of the Winchesters.
Still sleeping in their spare room?
I thought you didn’t talk to John.
I don’t, but the Winchester household has more than one person, doesn’t it?
Mary, Castiel realized and wondered what he should think about that. Had she
sent Crowley? Probably not.
I don’t know what you want me to say?
Crowley growled and yanked Castiel’s head up to meet his eyes. I want you to
say fuck you John Winchester, I’m better than you. I have a nice job and a life
and I don’t need you.
Castiel just stared at Crowley’s eyes, seeing his own terrified reflection in
them. That’s not the issue, he wanted to scream, I’ve already said that to John
and I meant it. That’s not the problem. I don’t deserve your concern. John
isn’t in the wrong anymore, I am. I am filthy and don’t deserve to be
justified. Why do you even care after such a long time?
He swallowed, hard. He couldn’t say any of that. Instead, he opted to give
Crowley what he wanted.
Fuck John. He whispered and was surprised when he still meant it, having
believed the anger would have subsided by now.
That’s right dove. Crowley said and rubbed his chin. The touch was comforting
and Castiel leaned in against it.
Thank you Fergus. He mumbled and felt Crowley’s fingers trail down his neck. It
felt unexpectedly nice.
You’re too pretty to hate yourself. Crowley said, his voice rough and Castiel
met his eyes, confused.
’Pretty’? he asked stupidly and Crowley rolled his eyes at him but that was not
a word people usually used to describe him. He was surprised out of his
confusion when Crowley sighed and pulled him into his lap. F-Fergus? he
stuttered and rested his knees by Crowley’s hips to steady himself when Crowley
didn’t let go of his wrists.
I’ve always wanted to try it with a guy Cassie. He stated, his voice hoarse and
it made Castiel shiver despite himself. Won’t you let me? Forget John Cas, let
me fuck you.
His hands were already roaming Castiel’s back and it felt nice. Castiel shifted
slightly in Crowley’s lap. What the hell am I doing? He thought desperately as
he let Crowley snake a hand up beneath his tee. What the hell is he doing? He
planned this all long, didn’t he? Treating me like a— Crowley dipped in and
kissed Castiel lightly just beneath his ear. Gods, does it matter?
Crowley’s lips were eager, his fingers deft and when he found a nipple Castiel
rolled his hips harder against the other man and was rewarded with a low growl.
Castiel was so tightly wound since the incident in the car with Dean and he no
longer had Balthazar to take his mind off things, would it be so bad to replace
Balthy with Fergus? Even if Crowley had planned this? Even if he was just using
Castiel, probably as a replacement same as Castiel? Yes, still worth it Castiel
thought when he felt Crowley’s hardening dick dig into his ass. He knew he was
easy and so did Crowley; that was probably the main reason he had come here and
Castiel just didn’t fucking care.
As Crowley grabbed his ass, Castiel concluded that no, it definitely wouldn’t
be the worst thing in the world to use Crowley to get Dean out of his head. But
here? On the couch? He remembered all too well what had happened the last time
he had had sex on this couch and he was pretty certain that Dean had made a
copy of John’s key too. He didn’t want a repeat of that, however unlikely.
Fergus. He moaned, embarrassed at how wanton he sounded, and pushed against
Crowley’s shoulders to get him to detach.
He did but he didn’t look pleased about it. His face was flushed, his pupils
dilated but his expression was irritated.
Don’t tell me you don’t want to Cas. Crowley muttered and rubbed his thumbs
against Castiel’s hips, making him roll them again. I know you and I can feel
you against me. Stop over-thinking this.
Castiel shook his head, heady both from his hangover and the arousal that
pounded through him. Gods, he had missed another man’s touch. Maybe this would
be enough to get his mind off Dean? The fact that the men in LA hadn’t been
enough was far from his mind at this point.
That’s not what I... he trailed off when Crowley started kneading his ass
again.
Fuck buddies, that’s all I’m saying. Crowley growled hoarsely. We can stop
anytime we want. He pressed on Castiel’s back to make him fall into his chest.
He groaned with the weight but Castiel was pushing himself up again. Christ,
was he really that bad at expressing himself? Fuck buddies with Crowley seemed
like a wonderful distraction, just not on the couch. He would have to work on
his conversational-skills. No wonder Dean misinterpreted me, he thought
distractedly as Crowley made a face at him for leaving the embrace.
No, Fergus, I mean yes—just... bed! he pressed out when Crowley’s hands didn’t
relent.
Oh. Crowley suddenly laughed a throaty laugh and Castiel pressed closer to his
chest again, wanting to feel the rumbling. Sorry. He said and hoisted both him
and Castiel to their feet. For a second there you had me believing—
Just get to bed. Castiel bit him off and grabbed his wrist before hauling him
around the living room and to the bedroom.
Eager much?
Don’t be so smug. Castiel growled, slamming the door and pressing Crowley up
against it, his careful demeanor all but gone in the face of arousal. Crowley
looked surprised but decidedly turned on and Castiel smirked, finally allowing
himself to get into the right mindset. We’re just using each other, remember
that.
Sure love. Crowley breathed and grabbed the back of Castiel’s head to bring him
in for a kiss.
It started shallow but Castiel was beyond pity and kindness. He wanted to fuck
now.
The kiss deepened as Castiel pulled Crowley’s tongue into his mouth and when he
felt down Crowley’s front he was rewarded with the impressive hard-on waiting
for him there. Crowley gripped Castiel’s hips and forced his hips forward,
meeting with the friction and obviously loving it.
The air around them was growing thicker and when Castiel broke the kiss to nip
along the man’s neck Crowley moaned deep in his throat and thrust his hips
again, growing impatient. Castiel couldn’t blame him though. His own pants felt
restricting enough to cut off the blood supply and he started unbuttoning one-
handedly.
So. He mumbled against Crowley’s sweat-soaked throat. First time with a man,
huh?
Crowley made a throaty noise that shot straight to Castiel’s groin. When he
looked up he noticed Crowley looking down at the hand Castiel had busied with
pulling himself out of his pants. He decided he didn’t need to ask anything
else. It was obvious from Crowley’s stare that he was totally on board. It made
Castiel feel powerful and he decided to make this easy on the other man.
Take off your clothes. He rumbled in a gravelly voice and Crowley snapped lust-
filled eyes up to meet Castiel’s. Take them off and get on the bed.
Crowley complied without a second’s hesitation. Castiel pulled off his own
clothes and went to the bedside table as Crowley lay down in the middle of the
bed, lazily stroking his dick. Castiel was very conscious of Crowley’s stare as
he rummaged around the drawer, looking for lube and a condom that hadn’t
expired.
How do you want...? Crowley licked his lips when Castiel straightened and
regarded him with dark eyes.
Castiel smirked and squeezed his dick once before climbing on top of his
friend. Since this is your first time I’ll make it easy on you. He purred and
was rewarded when Crowley’s dick jumped and leaked out a small glob of pre-
come. Unable to resist, he reached down and collected it on his finger before
bringing it to his mouth to taste. Such a whore, he mused but didn’t feel in
the least sorry when he moaned around his finger at the taste. Crowley was
staring as if in aroused disbelief.
He leaned down to ghost his breath against Crowley’s mouth. I’ll ride you today
but the next time you decide you need to get your rocks off you’re gonna have
to fuck me good to make it up to me.
Damn Cassie. Crowley pressed out, his voice thick and Castiel arched his back
at the sound. Where have you been hiding? I would’ve loved to see this side of
you before.
Castiel leaned up again and popped the lid of the lube. Then you should’ve
fucked me earlier.
Crowley’s eye darkened impossibly but Castiel just smirked and swatted his
reaching hands away in favor of lifting himself up on his knees to gain better
access to his own hole. When he grazed his puckered opening he shuddered and
closed his eyes. Crowley made an unexpectedly needy sound but Castiel ignored
him for now. He knew he had the other man in his grasp and he was satisfied
with letting him hang a little. He liked the powerful feeling still coursing
through him. This was a side of him he could never really show normally. He was
a kind and considerate kind of person but it was during sex that he felt the
most alive.
Crowley was positively squirming beneath him by the time Castiel deemed himself
open enough. His dick was hanging heavy between his legs and when he opened his
eyes he saw that Crowley had left his own untouched as well. He knew why he
didn’t want hands on him when he prepped — it was hard enough to focus as it
was — but he felt he was pleasantly surprised that Crowley too had opted to
wait with the touch. He wondered if it was because he wanted to savior it or if
he was afraid to get off too soon but he didn’t bother asking.
Instead he just reached for the lube again, tossing the condom on Crowley’s
chest as he was warming up the sticky fluid in his palm. Crowley swallowed and
Castiel knew this was a critical moment. Watching another guy finger himself
was a completely different thing from actually sticking your dick in there. He
supposed that the fact that Crowley’s hard-on hadn’t diminished in the least
was a good sign.
When the condom had been rolled on Castiel took Crowley in his slick hand and
stroked him a few times, just to get the spread right. Crowley responded by
arching his back and moaning deeply. Castiel like that. He smirked and spent
more time than strictly necessary spreading the lube. Crowley’s mouth was
hanging open by the time Castiel decided that enough was enough and he gave a
small disgruntled noise when Castiel stopped.
Easy there. Castiel smirked and positioned himself, grabbing a tight hold on
Crowley’s base.
He sank down slowly, the going much easier than he would have believed. Crowley
gasped beneath him and jerked, obviously trying very hard not to slam his hips
up. Castiel took perverse pleasure in keeping Crowley waiting but even he could
resist for so long. The spread was wonderful, Crowley thick and pulsing inside
him.
C-Christ. Crowley panted out and Castiel laughed at him but immediately
regretted it because the motion made Crowley’s dick jump inside him. It was
rock hard.
He flushed a bright red as his blood boiled. Moving now. He grunted out and
slid up, reveling in the feeling of Crowley’s thick length pressing against his
inner walls.
‘Bout bloody time. Crowley growled out and followed Castiel’s example, angling
his hips to thrust up just as Castiel sank down again.
Castiel moaned loudly and leaned back against Crowley’s knees as he started
fucking himself on his friend. Crowley was hot and hard inside him and when he
put his feet flat against the bed to gain leverage he managed to hit Castiel’s
prostate on almost every thrust.
Castiel made a strangled noise and fisted his neglected dick, realizing foggily
that he wouldn’t last near as long as he would have liked.
Crowley let him ride out his orgasm and then flipped him over; fucking him into
the mattress, seemingly not at all distracted by Castiel’s come smearing
between them. For someone claiming not to have been with another man before he
seemed perfectly okay with every aspect of it, Castiel reflected absentmindedly
as Crowley emptied himself with a shout against Castiel’s shoulder. Not that it
mattered, Castiel thought sleepily when Crowley sagged against him. Between his
comforting weight and the savoring release still thrumming through Castiel’s
body nothing seemed to matter anymore.
’Cause it’s me they’ve been coming to see, to forget about life for a while, he
sang to himself when Crowley pulled out but still remained pressed against him
in bed, thinking that the feeling of being needed felt unexpectedly nice.


Chapter End Notes
     Don't blame me! I blame season 6 where (spoiler alert!) Castiel
     agrees to get Crowley's help instead of talking to Dean...
***** 01-24-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     I kind of wanted to put a trigger warning in here because Dean is
     seriously hurting himself but this is what happened…
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                  *** Part 1: You can tell it I’m balling ***


Hit me again. He was slurring but he didn’t mind. Neither did the cute blonde
behind the bar, apparently, as she just poured him another shot with a wink.
Woah. Someone said to his right as he tossed back the vodka, only a little
unsteadily.
What?
Dean. Gabriel sighed and plucked the glass from Dean’s slippery fingers. I know
were celebrating your birthday and all but slow down mate.
Dean just snorted but he did shake his head when the bartender raised the
bottle questioningly.
His birthday, what a joke. It had been a miserable family dinner followed by
him practically running away before uncle Cas could get there. John had been
shouting something at him as he ran to the car Gabriel was waiting in but Mary
had stopped him with something along the lines of let him be on his own
tonight. Yeah, because that was what he really needed.
Sammy had been standing on the porch as Gabriel spun away but Dean hadn’t been
able to look at him, too embarrassed and angry. Not with Sam, of course, but he
knew how his anger tended to translate.
Just being in the same room as John was proving a toll for Dean after the
latest talk with Cas. So Cas thought he was immature, inexperienced and, most
importantly, Cas didn’t know whether he liked John or Dean anymore. That was
all that Dean had registered. Cas couldn’t get over John for whatever lame
reason and Dean wasn’t man enough to make him.
Dean chewed on the inside of his cheek. Well, he would be man enough after
tonight, he would see to that. And then Cas would be out of arguments. No age-
problem, no inexperience, no nothing. Except John of course but Dean would deal
with that later. Tonight he was getting hammered and laid. Yes, that seemed
like a perfectly good idea at the moment. And if he just got laid maybe he
would stop pining after that old ass? Maybe he was just hormonal? The plan had
been to get experience to shove in Cas’ unbelieving face but as the night
progressed he started thinking that maybe he should just fuck Cas right out of
his mind. A good enough lay would do that, certainly? Get him to stop thinking
about that asshat so he wouldn’t need Cas anymore? Yes, that seemed plausible.
So, hammered? Check. Laid? Dean looked around.
Gabriel was of course plastered against Kali’s front, suckling on her face as
if it was air and he was drowning. Where the rest of Kali’s posse had gone Dean
didn’t know and didn’t care. He didn’t particularly like those guys anyway.
Jo was dancing with a couple of dudes at the same time, seemingly having the
time of her life and owning them all. She could take care of herself. Dean
smiled at her when she saw him looking but shook his head when she beckoned
him. He did not want to get involved with his friends.
No the lucky person to share Dean’s first experience would have to be someone
he didn’t know. That way, if he sucked, no one would know. Plus, he really just
needed to bust a nut and he hardly thought that was what his friends were for.
He spun back to the bar and was about to tap his glass again when he noticed a
brunette on the other side of the bar looking at him. She was cute. Hell, he
smirked at her and straightened when she smiled back, she was drop dead
gorgeous. And a woman, what better way to get over stupid men than a sleeping
with women?
After some minutes of flirting to and fro over their glasses Dean decided that
there was no time like the present. As he made his way over to her he tried to
mentally prepare himself. She was beautiful but obviously older than him so he
ventured a guess that she maybe wasn’t as inexperienced as him. That was good,
he supposed, let her show him. Problem was he didn’t know if he wanted her to
know or not. And could he even fake knowledge in this case?
Suddenly he got nervous but he was almost at her side and she had turned to
face him as he pressed past drunken dancers. She was still smiling when he
finally landed beside her so he tried to grin confidently at her. He had dealt
with his fair share of flirting before, this was nothing different. Shape up
Winchester, he told himself and straightened.
Wow. She said and reached out a hand to touch his shirt. You’re much younger
than I thought.
His stomach dropped but he tried not to let it show. Instead he leaned against
the bar and waggled his eyebrows at her. Is that gonna be a problem?
She looked at him, surprised at first but then she laughed a little. Giggled
really, and he tried to keep his smile intact.
You are so cute.
Not the word he had been going for but okay. And you’re beautiful. He had
intentionally let his voice drop and he knew it had worked when she stopped
laughing and just kind of looked at him.
Eager, are you? she said and he noticed that her voice had dropped as well. He
leaned in.
Could I be anything else with a woman like you looking at me?
She seemed to consider him and he tried not to fidget. Ah what the hell. She
said suddenly and picked up her purse. I’m entirely too drunk and deep in the
rebound-state to care whether you’re some kind of creep.
He didn't know if he should be offended or not so he couldn’t help his pout.
I’m not a creep.
She stopped what she was doing and looked at him, surprised again. Just some
guy hoping the young guy routine would work? she asked, genuinely wondering,
apparently, and Dean was too drunk not to answer truthfully.
I am young.
She put a hand on his cheek and it was a little bit too motherly for his
liking.
Then I have some things to show you sweetie.
The words were innocent enough, could even have been words leading up to him
getting smacked upside the head if this had been a movie. But he could totally
see the meaning behind them in her aroused gaze and he swallowed, realizing
that maybe he had been the prey all along.
Coming home with me sweetheart?
Yes. He croaked and tried to get control over his voice again by clearing his
throat. She seemed to like it.
I’m Lisa.
Dean.
She nodded. Follow me Dean.
As he trailed after her swaying hips he flipped open his phone and texted
Gabriel:
leaving, try not to cum in ur pants on the dance floor
Gabriel answered immediately with a considerate fck u and Dean smirked as he
pocketed his phone.


            *** Part 2: All those fairy tales are full of shit ***


Lisa lay beneath him with Dean slotted between her open legs as he caressed her
round breasts. She was smiling and encouraging him with little breathy moans
and whispers. His hands were shaking slightly and he considered for a moment
how lucky he had been to meet someone like Lisa, someone who actually thought
his inexperience was arousing, who wanted to teach him and to be the one to
take him from innocence to manhood. Unlike Cas, Dean thought sourly but turned
the thought away. He shouldn’t be thinking about Cas now. He was having a hard
time as it was, maintaining his hard-on, and he didn't need depressing thoughts
about the man he had thought he loved destroying the mood.
Because he was so over Cas by now. Yeah, with a gorgeous lady like Lisa all wet
and willing for him he totally didn’t need anything else. No sir.
He gathered her legs around his waist to be able to scoot higher and lapped at
her nipple. She moaned cutely and arched her back a little. She had told him
that he was very attentive and that that was good. Dean didn’t want to tell her
he was just stalling.
She raked her fingernails over his back when he switched to the other nipple
and she was rolling her hips up at him now and it was… fine. No, good. It was
good. His dick twitched with the friction and she laughed, breathlessly.
I think we’re ready enough, don’t you big boy?
Dean swallowed and nodded a little, licking his lips. Just… Heard women like
foreplay and stuff. He mumbled and felt like he was fourteen again and jerking
off in his room was the best he could think of in terms of sexual satisfaction.
Except Ca—no! Except nothing. Lisa was leering and speaking. Focus.
That’s good sweetie. She mumbled and took one of his hands, bringing it down to
the warm wetness between her legs. When she slipped his fingers inside her she
arched her back again. So good. She moaned and let him take over.
It was tight and warm and wet. He could easily fit two fingers and thought he’d
have no problem with even more but he didn’t want to push it. Instead he just
scissored his fingers, slowly fucking her. It felt nice. Soft and welcoming,
like her body was sucking him in.
He looked up at her blissed out face. Her cheeks rose tinted and eyes closed.
Must feel really good, he thought and maybe it would be enough for her? He
didn’t know what he thought about that. On the one hand it would be awesome to
be able to say he brought a woman to finish with just his fingers. On the other
hand he didn’t know if it would really count for him. He was still here to gain
experience after all and even though they had spent a lot of time teaching him
a lot of things he had yet to stick his dick anywhere.
He looked down at it and it was hard and an angry shade of red but it was
decidedly dry, not leaking pre-come in the least. In his experiences with Cas
he had already come by now, hell he and Lisa had already been at it thrice as
long as he and Cas and all his erection had done was twitch and wane two times.
Lisa hadn’t seemed too concerned with that though, had supposedly only thought
it was because he was nervous, so he guessed he shouldn’t think about it
either.
In any case, Lisa was moaning and writhing by now and Dean once again pushed
his thoughts of Cas to the back of his mind to be able to focus on Lisa.
Stop. She breathed suddenly and he stilled immediately, thinking maybe he had
managed to hurt her while he was zoning out but she just smiled at him. Top
drawer, condom. She waved at her bedside table and he nodded, swallowing.
Of course, he should have anticipated that. Hell, he had set out to get laid
and he hadn’t even brought his own. How lame. And inexperienced, a mean voice
told him but Lisa was still smiling that blissed out smile so he decided to
ignore it as he fished out a condom and ripped the wrapper.
Lisa sat up as he plucked the ring out and took it from him. With a smile he
supposed was seductive she rolled it on him and his body responded accordingly
to the friction. His hips bucked up and he groaned, hardly believing how good
it felt. Maybe he had been too focused on her. Yeah, his dick just needed a
little attention, that was all.
She opened her legs to him again and he draped himself over her and slid inside
in one smooth movement, the warmth taking his breath away. He had thought his
dick was warm filled up with blood as it was but Lisa’s inner walls were
something else.
He gulped and shut his eyes as he bracketed her head with his underarms, trying
to collect himself. Lisa let her hands roam his body and lifted her legs to
wrap them around his waist. When he was still for too long she rolled her hips
up and the motion made her clench around him.
Move sweetie. She gasped and he realized he had been waiting for her to get
used to him inside her. He had been watching a lot of porn lately but they
hadn’t really prepared him for this. She was a woman and women were after all
build to take men, he understood that now as he fitted so snugly inside her
without her even flinching.
He slowly pulled out and gave a couple of experimental thrusts before he found
his rhythm. She moaned beneath him and moved with his thrusts, sweat slicking
between their bodies as he picked up his pace. His sweat he realized belatedly,
she hardly seemed to be warm.
His hips stuttered on a thrust and she put her arms around his chest, pulling
him close and nosing his neck. Don’t try so hard. She mumbled and he
automatically slowed down his bucking, making to roll his hips slowly against
her instead and she sighed contentedly. That’s right, move with me.
He gritted his teeth. He wanted her to stop talking. Her voice was too light
and airy. He tried to bury his head against her shoulder but her hair got in
his face. He wanted to stop and at the same time he wanted to speed up. He
wanted it rougher but he was afraid he would hurt her.
When she moaned and clenched around him he couldn’t help himself. He put his
hands on her hips and lifted her rump against him, bracing his leverage on his
knees. It forced her to fold in half but she seemed limber enough and she
didn’t protest. Instead she raked her hands down his back and made grabby hands
at his ass.
The new angle did something for her, if her continued moaning was something to
go by but Dean was getting frustrated. The friction and clenching was nice but
it wasn’t nice enough. He felt trapped on the edge of his orgasm and his eyes
were watering with the effort of understanding what was missing.
A long time went by, Dean didn’t know how long and didn’t dare look at the
alarm clock but at least his erection held steady, just there on the edge. He
had resorted to biting his lip and only managed little grunts in answer to her
praise. She was enjoying herself, that much was clear to him. She complimented
his angle, his dick, his preservation and he realized absentmindedly that she
hadn’t anticipated him lasting this long. Well, to be frank neither had he but
she just wasn’t giving him that little extra he needed.
He wanted to cry. What was wrong with him? Buried deep inside a willing woman,
thrusting like there was no tomorrow, why couldn’t he come? With Cas it had
seemed so simple. Just a touch from the other man was enough to set Dean’s
blood boiling. Just a look sometimes.
He remembered what Cas had looked like that day in his car and his hips bucked
harder without his knowledge. Cas always had that tousled look about him but
there was something about his kiss-slicked lips that made Dean go all gooey.
Cas’ lips were beautiful. What wouldn’t they look like wrapped around Dean’s
dick?
The thought made his dick jump inside Lisa and this time he moaned with her.
Dean! she panted. I’m close.
Cas had been close too, that day in the car, Dean had no doubt. His dick had
been so hard against Dean’s hand and he had no problem believing it had been
reliving that moment when Dean was sixteen and he had humped Cas up against his
car. Cas had come in his pants that time, at Dean’s hand.
When Lisa came she grabbed his ass hard. His foggy mind translated that as
something Cas would do in a similar situation and he shouted hoarsely as he
came, still buried inside Lisa, desperately wishing it was someone else.


Chapter End Notes
     Okay, so 18 is the legal age where I come from, both for having sex
     with older people and for drinking in bars, sorry Kansas state law if
     I messed up! Then again, fanfiction-verse so…
***** 02-15-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     Shameless smut.


                      *** You’re not here next to me ***


 Cas need to talk to u
It was those six words that had Cas crumbling to pieces. He had been avoiding
Dean but up until now Dean had been avoiding him too so he had figured that it
had been for the best. Crowley had worked as a temporary substitution. Or
distraction, rather, but it worked. Most of the time.
Gods, Castiel missed Dean’s voice and the text hadn’t made it better. He was
being a fool, he knew. He should have called Dean but he was starting to
realize things about himself and about Dean. The more time Castiel spent with
Crowley, fucking him, socializing with him, the more he realized that Dean was
not just John’s ghost. Dean was Dean and Castiel should have known. Had known
for quite a while if he thought about it now that he was mostly sober but that
was getting into dangerous territory. Crowley was supposed to act as a
replacement, not get him thinking what it would be like to do these things with
Dean!
Still, when Dean was finally reaching out to him again he should have called
him and not Crowley.
Castiel sighed as he lay in his bed, waiting for his distraction to get out of
the shower. Their latest tryst had been short and rough and even though Castiel
liked that way he still felt… empty? That was not really the word. He knew the
word he was looking for, he just didn’t want to say it.
When Crowley sauntered out he was naked and still drying his hair on Castiel’s
towel. He stopped by the side of the bed and Castiel looked lazily at him.
You okay there love? Crowley asked when Castiel made no move to get up.
Castiel shrugged. Why wouldn’t I be?
You tell me.
Castiel made a face and turned half-way away from Crowley, not really feeling
like talking about him possibly falling in lo—no, not going there. He just
didn’t feel like talking. Crowley shrugged too and went back to the bathroom,
presumably to finish up.
Castiel sighed again and thought about Dean even though he shouldn’t. What
would Dean do after—no, if—no, just…
Fuck it all. He muttered and traced lazy circles in the dried come on his
stomach.
What would Dean do after they’d had sex? Would he immediately disappear into
the bathroom like Crowley? Would he stay? Would he be weirded out by another
man’s sperm? Would he taste it?
Castiel’s tired dick twitched at the last notion. He had never dared to think
about Dean like that but now that he had started it was hard to stop.
What would Dean look like, propped up on his knees, bent over Castiel and
licking his stomach free from come? It was… it made quite the picture in
Castiel’s head.
He put his hand down by his dick, barely touching it but ghosting his thumb
against its underside, feeling it slowly fill as more thoughts of what Dean
might and might not do to him came flooding his mind.
Dean kissing him. Dean biting his nipples. Dean raking his fingers down his
chest as he got closer and closer to Castiel’s crotch—
Well, aren’t you looking perky?
Crowley startled him and Castiel yanked his hand away from his erection,
feeling stupidly embarrassed for someone who not an hour ago got rammed in the
ass by the same man.
I-I… he cleared his throat when nothing useful came out.
Crowley laughed huskily. I don’t really have time but by all means, don’t let
me stop you. He said and bent down to retrieved his button down from the floor.
It’s your bedroom after all. He was wearing a slightly entertained grin as he
shrugged his shirt on and Castiel blushed crimson.
I couldn’t. He said but shivered when Crowley’s eyes raked down his body. Of
course his erection hadn’t diminished. Of fucking course.
Come now. Crowley said amusedly. You’ve done this before, just think of your
lover boy. He winked but Castiel glared best he could. Crowley laughed again.
It is a man you’re thinking about when I fuck you, isn’t it? he asked and
Castiel nodded because what was the point of denying that? Crowley knew he’d
always been gay and besides, it was pretty hard to be imagining a girl when
getting a dick up the ass. Not that he was imagining Dean when he was fucking
Crowley… Just the thought of doing that made his dick jump.
Of course it is. Crowley smirked and pulled on his underwear. And who could it
be? Not John, certainly. Castiel glared even harder because they’d had this
conversation already. No names were mentioned, ever. But Crowley just
continued, seemingly enjoying himself and Castiel cursed both him, his
persisting erection and himself. Surely someone handsome though? Someone quite
outstanding and with pretty eyes. He looked down at Castiel and Castiel
realized Crowley was seriously enjoying this. I know you’re a sucker for pretty
eyes Cassie. He muttered, his voice dropping and Castiel thought fuck it for
the second time that evening.
Yes. He hissed out when his hand picked up the pace once more.
Crowley nodded. And he’s probably pretty strong too. You like that too, like
being held down. Castiel moaned and absentmindedly registered that Crowley had
stopped dressing himself. That’s right dove. Crowley mumbled and went to stand
at the foot of the bed. Castiel spread his legs a little, seeing where this was
going and liking it.
Crowley licked his lips at the sight presented before him. What else? he
murmured and his pupils blew out when Castiel arched his back slightly. What
else is your mystery man? Is he tall? he hummed at his own question when
Castiel’s breath shuddered out of him. I bet he is, he would crowd over you and
you would love it.
Oh God if Crowley knew how right he got it. If Dean would press Castiel up
against a wall, push Castiel’s hands up above his head and just hold him in
place…
Castiel moaned and bucked up into his own touch. Fuck, he had never allowed
himself to think about Dean in this context but the boy was eighteen now.
Surely now it couldn’t hurt?
His hand was working furiously, coating his length in pre-come and his other
hand was already fingering his tight balls but it wasn’t enough.
Fergus. He groaned to show his discontent and Castiel thought he would continue
talking because holy shit, that was hot, but instead he climbed onto the bed.
Castiel’s hips bucked again and he spread his legs even further, welcoming
Crowley closer but the man remained on his knees, staring down at Castiel’s
painful erection. Castiel stopped his ministrations when Crowley licked his
lips again.
He let the other hand continue further down below his sack and his hips
twitched at the need for friction.
F-Fergus. He moaned again and Crowley snapped his eyes up to his pleading ones
before dropping back to his crotch. Would he? He had jacked Castiel off once
and the Gods knew they had fucked in every imaginable position but would he
actually put his mouth there? That was dangerously close to the gay-side of
their deal, Castiel knew from experience.
Just when he thought he wouldn’t be able to take the wait any longer, Crowley
reach a hand down and gripped the base of his dick. Castiel gasped and looked
on with rounded eyes as Crowley tentatively bowed his head and dipped his
tongue down to lap at Castiel’s fat head.
He couldn’t help it. Even as little as it was, it was still friction and he
bucked his hips up. Crowley didn’t seem to mind too much, even though put his
hands on Castiel’s hips.
The taste’s not great, I’ll give you that. Crowley muttered but bent down again
anyway and Castiel all but whimpered when he licked with the flat of his
tongue. But the sounds you’re making… I mean, Christ Cassie. He smirked at
Castiel before diving in and actually swallowing the tip of the straining
erection in the wet heat of his mouth. I’m not gonna be good at this. He said,
sounding seriously breathless and Castiel wished he would just stop talking
right the fuck now. You just keep on thinking about lover boy. He winked when
Castiel’s back arched. What would he look like doing this? Delicious, I bet.
Fergus! Castiel barked out and clutched the sheets when Crowley bent down
again, chuckling as he took Castiel back in his mouth.
Dean would look like a fucking pro doing this, Castiel had no reservations
about that. It wouldn’t matter if he was inexperienced as he seemed to think,
the looks he gave Castiel sometimes were like liquid sex and fuck if that
wouldn’t be enough.
He bucked again against Crowley’s constricting grip when he felt the tip of his
dick touch the back of Crowley’s throat. It felt amazing, sliding in and out of
that heat and Crowley was leaving nothing untouched. He alternated between
sucking and licking and Castiel growled deeply when he dipped down to mouth at
his hard balls.
Fuck.
Dean would lick and nip and he would explore because Dean was nothing if not
eager. His hands would roam and he would pinch Castiel’s nipples, Castiel was
sure. Dean’s hands were slightly more calloused than Castiel’s own and it would
feel fucking fantastic.
Crowley was sucking like someone who had done this before and Castiel wondered
groggily if that was because he actually had or because he just did whatever he
liked himself. Not that he particularly cared, not when his balls were growing
tight and the heat in his lower stomach flared like a living thing.
Dean, Castiel thought desperately when he felt his orgasm pull closer,
inevitable now. I want… I…
Fuck! he growled out and pushed Crowley out of the way just in time to grab his
dick and aim his release at himself, shooting thick spurts almost all the way
to his own throat.
Crowley was chuckling again when Castiel’s hearing returned. Thanks for the
save mate.
Castiel wrinkled his nose at how cheesy everything felt. Fuck buddies was only
awesome when chasing the orgasm but sometimes he just wanted to vomit and brush
his teeth and be done with it when it was over.
He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. Yeah, well, I’ve heard it’s
appreciated.
Crowley got up, nodding, and that was when he noticed Crowley’s bulge. It
wasn’t big but it was there. Not so much for the dick-sucking then? He gestured
for Crowley to get closer.
Sporting a semi there for me? he said, trying to sound teasing but he was
tired.
Crowley looked down and then grinned at him. Seems so. He answered but to
Castiel’s relief he got off the bed and started pulling on his pants. But I
wasn’t kidding about being short on time, I needed to go twenty minutes ago.
Castiel barely had the decency to be ashamed of that. Next time then.
Crowley finished dressing and turned to look at him, probably looking like the
picture of debauchery, drenching in his own come and eyes heavily lidded from
exhaustion.
Yes. He answered, his voice surprisingly soft. Next time love. He turned just
as he was walking out the door to the bedroom. And Cassie? You should probably
do something about this lover of yours.
Castiel frowned but was too tired to be irritated. Same goes for you and your
lady, you know.
As decided they hadn’t talked about it but they both knew what they were doing,
only difference begin that it was a woman toying with Crowley’s heart but at
this point that hardly mattered. Point was, they both wanted someone else and
they both knew it. Castiel wasn’t really up to talking any more about it.
Just saying, maybe next time you should call him instead? It can’t be that bad.
Castiel was having a hard time keeping sleep at bay and really wishing Crowley
would shut up. What was the deal with him and talking anyway? The man must
really love the sound of his own voice. Plus, Castiel really didn’t want to be
reminded with what he had just done. Thinking about Dean in such a way… Boy,
would it be hard not to in the future now.
Still the same to you. Castiel retorted dryly and Crowley snorted at him.
Yeah, yeah. He muttered and closed the door behind him.


***** 03-01-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     And finally we’re getting somewhere! I mean, holy hell boys…


                           *** We called it love ***


Castiel sipped his red wine as he folded the last of the paperwork he had taken
home over the weekend. Wine was better than rum, he decided. It was smoother on
his throat for one thing. If there was something Castiel needed it was not a
rougher voice, thank you very much.
These last few weeks since he had gotten home had been trying but he thought he
was making progress. He was working again, he was down to only one bottle of
wine per weekend and every encounter with Crowley didn’t necessary mean sex. He
was coping and that was good. He had even managed not to think about Dean in
any more sex-related scenarios. Kudos to him, Castiel thought.
He and John had even hung out a couple of times and he had been at the
Winchester house for dinner a couple of nights. Always when Dean was away
though, for seemingly no particular reason other than coincidence. The
Winchesters were buying it at least and that was all that mattered to him.
This day was a special day, however. Dean had texted him again and this time
saying he wanted to meet. To talk. That he had wanted that for a while but
Castiel always seemed so busy. Castiel had felt really bad because he had
portrayed himself as more busy than he actually was but Dean didn’t need to
know that. Point was, he felt guilty enough to agree to a meeting. He was happy
though; he felt that he was emotionally prepared and that this time he would be
able to be frank with the boy. If his times with Crowley had taught him one
thing — besides the fact that Crowley liked to take him from behind because
that way it was easier for Crowley to pretend Castiel was that woman he
actually liked — it was that he needed to be more vocal and assertive. Like how
he was in the bedroom. He would just have to be short and to the point, even
Crowley had told him so, when Castiel had admitted that he was meeting his
lover boy today. Castiel still didn’t dare tell him the truth. He needed
Crowley for release — it was the only thing that kept him from the bottle — so
he couldn’t risk losing him now or relapse.
He sat down on his couch, wine glass still in his hand. He was nervous. The
last time he and Dean had talked hadn’t worked out so great and he was afraid
that the time apart had done him no favors. Not to mention him ignoring Dean’s
last text.
It was one thing to flee to the other side of the country but a whole other
matter to avoid someone who lived in the same town. Also, he was still feeling
childish. He was after all the adult and he would have to act it. And scared,
he supposed, the unbid thoughts of Dean he had had that one time Crowley had
sucked him off seemed fresher now than ever. What was it exactly that he wanted
with this meeting?
Just as he took another sip his doorbell rang. The sound startled him, mostly
since it was never used. People just walked in or maybe knocked. He tried to
swallow as he gasped and was assaulted by a coughing fit.
It’s open. He managed between hacks and when Dean walked in and frowned at him
he put the wine down on the table to lean back and take a deep breath. He
started coughing again.
You alright there? Dean asked and hung up his jacket by the door.
Castiel looked at him with teary eyes. His green eyes twinkled with something
akin to amusement and his lips quirked at Castiel’s difficulties. Gods, it was
difficult to dismiss those thoughts now.
But he also seemed different somehow. Castiel couldn’t put his finger on it and
dismissed it as he tried another deep breath.
Sure. He wheezed and gestured to the room at large. Please, sit.
Dean chose the armchair situated at the far end of the table, i.e. the farthest
away from Castiel he could get without being rude. Castiel tried to not get
hurt by the miniscule gesture.
A little early to break out the juice, ain’t it? Dean asked amusedly and looked
at the wine glass.
It’s four in the afternoon.
Happy hour hasn’t even started.
I wasn’t aware there was a deadline for Saturdays.
Dean’s laugh was rich and smooth and Castiel smiled too. This was going better
than he would have thought. Dean seemed so relaxed it almost made Castiel
jumpy. Keep it together, he came because he has something to say and you will
listen. At least you owe him that.
I’ve missed talking to you Cas. Dean said, laughter still in his eyes. We
should hang out more often.
I think so too.
A silence settled between them and they kind of just stared at each other, both
still smiling a little. This was usually when things went south, Castiel
reflected, so he made to continue with one of his rehearsed speeches but Dean
surprised him.
So, what’s been up with you?
I… Castiel faltered, Dean looked so relaxed where he sat with the wrist of one
leg rested against the knee of the other. Big and strong, imposing almost.
Work, mostly. He answered and Dean nodded.
Nora not giving you shit for taking time off?
He almost commented the language but stopped himself in the last second. No. He
looked down at his hands in his lap and wondered how much Dean knew. He guessed
Mary had been talking to her sons but no one really knew the truth so he
guessed it was fine. She realized it’s a lot to move back and forth like that.
Dean hummed and Castiel chewed his lip. Why did this feel so difficult? He felt
like a blubbering idiot around Dean, hardly even recognizing himself, and not
at all what he had aimed for. Dean looked confident and… and enticing and
Castiel knew he shouldn’t but he thought of those secret fantasies Crowley had
pulled out of him. He barely managed not to blush, they were talking and that
was good. And yet somehow something felt worse this time, when really it
shouldn’t. But Dean was different, more distant in his tone and body language
and that should be good. It should.
How’s it going with your boyfriend?
The question took Castiel unawares and he jerked his head up, probably looking
like a deer caught in headlights. Guilty, he probably looked guilty.
I don’t have a boyfriend.
Dean looked genuinely surprised and Castiel wondered for a short moment how
this conversation would have looked like if he and Dean didn’t have that kind
of history.
Oh? Dean cocked his head to the side and Castiel squinted when he recognized
himself. I just thought… mom said…
Castiel swallowed. Mary presumed. He corrected, irritated now, and Dean stopped
looking innocent. Dean and John was one thing but you didn’t rip on Mary and
think everything would be okay in Dean’s book.
I just heard her talking to John about some old friend that you were
reconnecting with and how she was happy for you.
So you presumed.
Funny. Dean continued as if Castiel hadn’t said anything, his tone now more of
a sneer and Castiel was beginning to think he had fallen in some kind of trap.
John didn’t seem so happy about hearing about you and, who was it again? Corny?
Crowley.
So you do know who I’m talking about?
Castiel sighed and felt stupid. Dean was shrewder than Castiel would have
thought. Look, Dean. He carded his fingers through his hair. Crowley and I are
not involved. He was a good friend to us all in high school and he just moved
back to town.
So he’s not your boyfriend?
No.
But you are fucking him?
Castiel stared at him, wide-eyed, but Dean’s handsome face was set in a stony
poker face. I-I don’t see what that has to do with anything.
Dean smiled but Castiel didn’t like it. You’re not denying it.
No. Castiel whispered, feeling extremely guilty for some reason. I’m not
denying it.
I saw him leaving the other day. Castiel squinted in confusion but Dean
continued undisturbed. Well, not the other day per say. It was the day after my
birthday, so the other month really. I felt awful about how I’d treated you so
I came to apologize. I met him in the stairs, he left your apartment when I was
just a foot from it so I just kept walking like I was going up another floor.
He didn’t even look at me but he was easy enough to recognize from mom’s
yearbook.
Castiel’s throat was dry but he didn’t reach for his wine. He never should have
let Fergus stay over. He didn’t know why but now it felt like the worst
decision he had ever made. Made even worse by the fact that Dean had felt the
need to research old photos.
You should’ve come in. He all but croaked but Dean just smiled that non-Dean-
like smile again.
Didn’t want to impose. But it’s all good. He shrugged. You have your man to
make you happy and I have… others.
Castiel didn’t like the sound of that, not at all. A sour feeling twisted in
his stomach. What do you mean?
Well, you calling me too stupid to understand what sex meant got me thinking.
I never said—
So I decided, Dean continued, his voice rising to quiet Castiel’s protests.
That I would have to do something about that. He nodded when Castiel just
stared at him, feeling helpless and trapped. I’m sorry I had to miss you on my
birthday but I had made plans with Gabe and Jo. We were going out to Sweet and
Low. He chuckled a little but the sound was foreign to Castiel and he winced.
Dean didn’t notice. I mean, I couldn’t very well wait around at home for
someone to take my virginity. That would never happen. His normally so warm
eyes were hard as stone as they bore into Castiel’s soul. So I went to the club
and picked up a gorgeous woman and I fucked her. Easy as that.
That’s what’s different, Castiel thought despairingly. Of course going from
virgin to non-virgin wouldn’t show physically but Dean carried himself
differently. Castiel was sure that was what it was and it felt like glass in
his lungs.
He swallowed hard and made to pour himself some more wine in his half-full
glass. This glass is less empty than I, he thought dully.
That’s great Dean. He heard himself say.
Yeah? Dean asked and Castiel looked up, a shaky hand still clutching the wine
bottle. At first I came here the day after to tell you that I no longer was too
young or too inexperienced, that you’d be out of arguments but… he pursed his
beautiful lips. But seeing that guy made me think. I mean, what do I really
need you for? Time to get over my little crush, right? I’d gone out to find
someone to sleep with and succeeded on the first try. He lifted his arms out to
the side as if to say: look at me and Castiel was looking, hard. I grew up with
you, I’ve always respected you and you’re really good-looking but you were
right, it’s always just been a boy’s foolish crush on his cool uncle, hasn’t
it?
Castiel nodded slightly. S-sure. He pressed out and thought that he should feel
a bit happier and a little less like he wanted to slit his throat.
Sure? Dean asked, as if he wanted confirmation that Castiel got that Dean
finally had understood what Castiel had been talking about all these years.
But…
Yes. Castiel nodded again, more certain this time. I’m glad you found someone
to… that you…
Dean’s first time had been with someone else. The realization hit hard and
Castiel’s throat felt too tight. Someone that wasn’t Castiel had taken Dean’s
manhood. A woman. And it was all Castiel’s fault. How could he not have seen?
How could he not have acted? He tried to take a deep breath.
I’m glad. He finished meekly, only barely aware that his lips were trembling
around the words.
Are you?
Dean sounded mad but he didn’t dare look at the man. He wanted him to leave. I
can’t cry in front of him. But it felt like John all over again. Worse,
actually. It felt like Dean ripping his heart out. Too late, I am much too
little too late.
Yes.
Well you sure as fuck don’t look it!
Castiel was startled when Dean suddenly stood up and screamed at him. He turned
scared eyes at the other man and saw him standing there, fuming, all his
careful façade broken.
D-Dean?
You look like I fucking murdered someone and you… your lip’s trembling.
Castiel unconsciously reached up a hand and ghosted his fingers over his mouth.
I’m sorry. He whispered.
Dean sighed heavily and raked his fingers through his short hair. Fuck Cas. He
muttered. I didn't want you to cry, I just wanted… he stopped and looked at
Castiel, really looked and Castiel felt his whole body start to tremble now. I
hated it okay? Dean said eventually, his voice suddenly softer. I did it to
prove something and I guess… I did it to get over you but I fucking hated
having sex with that woman. She was beautiful but she… he sat down beside
Castiel, so very close. She wasn’t you, okay?
Castiel’s trembling didn’t stop even as Dean put a careful hand on his knee. He
stared at the handsome face of the boy — no, man now — and couldn’t believe how
grown up he looked.
You didn’t like it? he asked lowly, even his voice trembling.
Her voice was too shrill. Dean said and smiled a little, more like himself and
Castiel felt his chest warm up. Her body was too round and soft. She had no
dick and she was not you. Dean took his hands and caught Castiel’s gaze. I
tried, okay? It was no hit. He chuckled a little and Castiel’s lips quirked at
the sound. She complimented me on my stamina but I wonder what she would’ve
said if she knew. He looked down at their hands and squeezed a little. I don’t
have any fucking stamina; I just couldn’t come with her. I had to think about
you to even finish. I’ve never felt worse during anything sex-related.
Castiel couldn’t help his small smile. He shouldn’t feel so relieved to hear
that but he couldn’t help it. Yeah?
Dean looked up again and this time he smiled broadly. Yeah. Cas, I even gave
her a fake number when she wanted mine, alright?
Castiel’s smile grew and Dean sighed, almost happily.
They stayed like that for a while, just looking again but this time it was
comfortable, pleasant. Castiel swallowed and felt a warm rush when he saw Dean
tracking the movement of his throat with his eyes. This wasn’t what he had
expected and it shouldn’t be what he desired but Castiel couldn’t remember any
of his arguments against this, not right now. Dean’s greens were all that
mattered.
Then Dean cleared his throat and looked away. So what do you say? I know
there’s something here Cas. He nearly looked dejected before he had even
started his arguments and Castiel realized that it was his fault. All those
other times… But he would be better at this now, Crowley had taught him his
lesson. You and me Cas, I just know. He looked up again. If you say no now I
won’t come after you again. I am old enough now to know when enough is enough
but… You nearly cried when I told you about losing my virginity to someone
else. I am legally old enough and I’ve gotten myself at least some experience,
what more do you want?
Castiel gnawed his lower lip as Dean spoke. He realized that Dean had
administered the whole conversation to gauge Castiel’s reaction. He didn’t know
what to feel about being played like that but he guessed it didn’t matter very
much, not now. The point had been made, loud and clear. Dean had found a way to
convince Castiel of his own feelings and he couldn't hide anymore, didn’t want
to. Now he just needed to get everything off his chest, to make Dean understand
too.
You’re John’s son— he started but was interrupted by Dean’s loud groan.
No the dad-card again Cas, enough.
Cas desperately grabbed Dean’s hands when he made to pull away. No, listen to
me. Dean shut up but he looked like he was at flight-risk and Castiel didn’t
like it so he hurried to continue. You’re John’s son and you know John and me
had something before.
Yeah but he fucking left you.
I made him, I’m not the innocent little saint people seem to think.
Dean frowned. What people, who else knows your story? his face darkened.
Crowley?
No, well yes but that’s beside the point. Dean was pulling away again and
Castiel was desperate to get back on track. Dean, listen. He pulled Dean closer
to him and the other man’s breath hitched very slightly. I was afraid of your
advances for a long time. First it was the age, then the relation. We, you… I
am your uncle.
Dean only nodded and Castiel was relieved when he didn’t argue the facts, he
guessed the other man really had grown up.
But as you grew older I realized… he took a deep breath and looked away, unable
to watch Dean’s searching eyes. I was afraid of hurting you because you seemed…
really infatuated and I-I wasn’t certain.
Certain of what, Cas? Dean asked, his voice low and gruff and so very close.
Castiel shivered. Couldn’t be certain if I wanted you or the ghost of John. He
whispered with closed eyes, ashamed, but when he didn’t feel Dean pull back he
opened them and saw Dean staring determinedly at him.
And now?
Now…
Dean was suddenly pulling him even closer, their noses touching and breaths
ghosting over each other’s mouths and cheeks. What would you say now? Whose
would you be now?
Castiel’s head swam with the sound, scent and warmth of DeanDeanDean. The
answer was suddenly so blaringly obvious.
Yours. He moaned and meant it.
Dean’s lips were on his in an instant. The kiss was anything but tender, Dean
pressing insistently at him and wasting no time licking his lower lips to gain
the access Castiel more than happily supplied. Castiel could have sobbed when
their tongues met if not for the searing arousal that rushed through his body.
Mine? Dean growled against his mouth and Castiel arched his back to get closer.
Only mine?
Yes. The answer came out in a hiss and Dean pulled at him so that Castiel ended
up straddling his lap, never losing contact.
Dean’s hands were quickly on Castiel’s ass and he encouraged the roll of
Castiel’s hips with steady thrusts of his own. Castiel put one hand on the side
of Dean’s face and grabbed a hand-full of short sandy hair with the other.
Dean tasted like electricity and bravado and Castiel couldn’t get enough.
Dean’s legs were steady beneath him and his dick was already straining in his
pants. Castiel groaned and grinded down on it, making Dean gasp in their shared
breath.
Always mine Cas. Dean was mumbling as Cas rode him, strong hands gripping
tight. No one else’s, don’t you dare take it back this time.
No. Castiel moaned, sounding positively pained. I won’t, I won’t, please Dean
forgive me. Only yours.
When did the child grow up? Castiel reflected in his clouded mind. When had he
become this astonishing person and how could Castiel have missed it? Why had he
fought this? Dean was as if made for him. They slotted together perfectly and
Castiel was more aroused at the hands of this eighteen-year-old than he ever
remembered being.
This was it, he realized. This was why he had convinced John to leave him all
those years ago, this was why he had suffered for so long; so that Dean could
be his and so that he could bask in Dean’s reflected glory.
He wanted to tell Dean all that but he could hardly form sentences right now.
Dean’s hands were flying all over his body and the urgency he felt clearly
translated to the other man.
He shuddered when Dean ripped open his slacks and shoved his hand inside. When
Dean’s hand found Castiel’s hard-on there was nothing else to do but scream and
arch his back. He saw starts as he began humping the offered tightness of
Dean’s fist and he knew he was a gibbering mess. So much for being assertive
and confident during sex. He was like a fucking teenager with Dean’s hands on
him and he loved it.
It was first when he started suckling on Dean’s neck that Dean actually made a
rough noise and stopped his ministrations.
Dean. He whined and Dean’s hips bucked at the sound, seemingly on their own.
Fuck, Cas. Dean moaned and kissed him once on the mouth, much too brief. Let
me.
Castiel didn’t know what he meant but he got a slight idea when Dean rearranged
them on the couch to make Castiel sit on it with Dean on the floor between his
spread legs.
His eyes widened, both at the sight and the realization. Dean, you don’t have
to push yourself. He mumbled and carded his hands through Dean’s short hair.
Dean just glared at him and started yanking on Castiel’s pants. Shut up. He
muttered and made Castiel lift his hips to get the pants all the way off. I’ve
wanted to do this since forever.
Castiel arched his back slightly when his dick sprung free but it was the
mouth-watering sight of Dean staring at it that made it leak a little. He
whined pathetically when Dean swiped his thumb at the drop and licked it off
his digit. His fantasy was coming through and he wasn’t really sure he was
mentally prepared. Dean looked better between his legs than any imagination
would have him believe. And the fact that Dean hadn’t even hesitated before
tasting his pre-come had Castiel’s breath shudder out of him.
Shit, Cas. Dean mumbled, his breath ghosting the fat head of Castiel’s cock.
Your sounds alone are enough to… he cut himself off and looked Castiel in the
eye before taking his dick in a loose grip and tugging slightly. When Castiel
moaned and bucked up he buried his head against Castiel’s thigh, inhaling his
scent. Fuck. He groaned and tentatively licked a stripe up one of Castiel’s
balls.
Castiel could already feel his balls climb higher, the tight heat in his
stomach coiling like fire and Dean had barely touched him! He felt like such a
whore but with Dean licking his lips like that he couldn’t find it in himself
to care.
Instead he just spread his legs wider and rolled his hips up to meet Dean’s
stroke.
Please Dean. He groaned out, his voice a deep rumble in his chest and it
certainly got Dean’s attention.
I got you. Dean mumbled and suddenly put his mouth to Castiel’s straining dick.
A-ah! The warm slickness was almost too much and Castiel couldn’t help his hips
bucking up into it. Dean didn’t seem to mind though; he just gripped Castiel’s
hips in his steady hands and sucked as much of Castiel as he could manage down
his greedy throat.
It was too much. It was not enough. It was fucking perfect; it was Dean.
Castiel was a panting mess in no time, snapping his hips up against Dean’s
possessive hands grabbing at his ass and gripping the couch tight to keep from
putting them on Dean’s head and accidentally pushing down. He wanted it to last
forever but he was too tightly wound, especially when it came to Dean.
It was when he looked down and saw Dean fisting his own dick that he lost it.
He didn’t even have time to warn the man before he shot down his throat but
Dean didn’t seem to mind that either. He just moaned around Castiel’s pulsing
dick and sucked harder, feeling like such a pro that Castiel wondered briefly
if he had practiced this too, in his chase for experience.
He came out of his foggy aftermath when Dean gripped the couch beside Castiel’s
right thigh.
F-fuck Cas, I-I need… his face was a mask of pained pleasure and Castiel
realized immediately what was wrong. Dean was about to come but afraid to
stain. What a ridiculous thought. Now that Castiel had finally understood and
accepted, he wanted Dean always, everywhere.
He took a sharp grip on Dean’s chin and forced his head up. Their gazes met and
Castiel found his assertiveness.
Come for me Dean. Now.
Dean’s moan-turned-scream was the most beautiful sound Castiel had ever heard.


***** 03-20-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     Love y'all so much! Have some more smuttiness :D
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                     *** Start with a push of a button ***


They crashed up against the wall beside the bedroom door, Castiel furiously
working the zipper on Dean’s jeans. They were both rock hard and Castiel found
it increasingly difficult to breathe but Dean was swallowing his pants and
pressing close, making Castiel so dizzy with arousal that nothing else seemed
to matter.
Cas. Dean moaned and cupped Castiel’s jaw. I need you so bad.
I know. Castiel soothed and finally managed to pull Dean out of the confining
jeans. The man’s dick was straining and leaking, looking almost painful but the
sounds Dean was making as he started stroking him were like nothing of this
world. Deep and rich and Dean was fucking trembling in Castiel’s hands. I know
love. He said and bent down to nip Dean’s neck. But we don’t have time, I was
just leaving. We should leave. Dean tasted like honey and he was bucking hard.
Castiel resorted to rubbing himself against Dean’s leg to get at least some of
the friction off. You shouldn’t have come here today, you should have gone
straight to the house after school, we’re having dinner and we’re late and…
His arguments fell short when Dean grabbed his hair to pull him up for a deep
kiss. Their tongues tangled and Dean licked the fucking roof of his mouth
before snarling possessively.
I know. He emphasized. But I’ve been in class all day, thinking of nothing but
you. I was in the bathroom at lunch, jerking off to that picture I have on my
phone but it wasn’t fucking enough Cas. I need to be inside of you.
Castiel’s knees buckled at the mention of Dean doing that. Fuck, this man was
going to be the death of him.
Get on the bed. He growled and proceeded to haul Dean over to it when the man
wasn’t fast enough to comply.
Dean had the courtesy of flinging his own jeans off when Castiel took a moment
to relieve himself of his own, to ease the pressure if nothing else. Shit, Dean
was pinching his boxers and looking questioningly at him, it was almost too
much.
He climbed onto the bed and slapped Dean’s hands away. Wasting no time, he
pulled the underwear down just enough to spring Dean’s hard-on and balls free
and then he bent down to swallow the leaking erection in one stroke.
Fucking hell! Dean bucked up sharply and Castiel let him.
He snaked his tongue along the hard length and took extra time to suck hard at
the head on every upstroke. Dean tasted amazing, it was something Castiel
couldn’t get enough of and combined with the needy whimpering it made for
something straight out of Castiel’s wet dreams.
Dean’s hips were jerking in little circles and Castiel could tell that he was
trying to restrain himself. Castiel didn’t like it one bit. He wanted to be
Dean’s to mark, to use and he wanted Dean to know.
He stopped suddenly, his mouth hovering just out of reach for Dean’s trembling
dick and Dean looked at him like he was insane.
Cas. He all but whined and Castiel smirked at him. Cas, what are you doing? I-
I need you…
Castiel looked up, his gaze darkened with arousal and Dean’s breath hitched.
Want me to continue sucking you? he asked, his voice rough and Dean couldn’t
nod fast enough. He licked his lips, his tongue barely touching the head of
Dean’s dick. His own dick leaked at the sight before him and he took one of
Dean’s hands in his and put it on top of his head. Make me. He rumbled out and
Dean’s eyes rounded in surprise. You wanted to fuck me Dean. He reminded the
man. So fuck me. Dean’s head flung back when he arched his back.
Jesus. He moaned and gripped Castiel’s hair tight before forcing his dick up
into the welcoming heat.
The feeling was indescribable. Dean was gripping his hair in one hand and his
shoulder in the other, holding him still as he used his mouth unashamedly,
snapping faster and faster. Castiel was trying to keep up with his tongue as
best he could and when he reached down to fondly Dean’s balls with one hand he
heard Dean’s pants becoming ragged.
Castiel’s own dick was trapped between him and the bed and he had started
unconsciously humping the bed, desperately seeking that friction and managing
to pry himself half-way free from his boxers.
C-Cas. Dean was babbling as his orgasm came closer. He usually did and Castiel
loved it. Looking so fucking perfect, your lips around me. Shit, I need you so
bad. His words were getting jarred and hard to make out but Castiel heard him
clear as day and he doubled his efforts.
Dean was done for when he swallowed around the head of the dick, buried deep in
his throat. With a strangled cry Dean emptied himself and forcefully held
Castiel down as he did. Castiel’s body shook with the need for release as Dean
moaned his name again and again but the bed was proving horribly insufficient.
Dean popped out of his mouth with a sound that went straight to Castiel’s dick
and he couldn’t wait any longer. He steadied himself on one hand, face still
buried against Dean’s softening cock, and reach down with his other hand to
finally touch himself.
The relief made him sob brokenly but it was short-lived. Dean startled him by
hooking his hands in Castiel’s armpits and hauling him up the bed, to come face
to face with a blissed out-looking Dean.
D-Dean. He stuttered when his erection brushed against Dean’s hips, making him
buck down hard. He knew Dean was strong but Castiel was by no means a little
guy, to be manhandled like that it was… fuck, it was exhilarating.
So amazing Cas. Dean mumbled against his mouth and reached down a hand to fist
Castiel’s leaking dick. He cried out and Dean set a steady pace, kissing his
jaw at the same time. My perfect little angel. Gonna come for me?
Castiel wanted to answer but he could hardly breathe. Dean had just held him
down and fucked his mouth and then he had tossed him around like it was
nothing. Shit, Castiel was loving every second of it.
You look so beautiful when you come Cas. Dean was mumbling as Castiel fucked
his fist. So beautiful for me. Only me. He bit down on Castiel’s neck and
Castiel was done for. His back arched sharply as his hips snapped down one last
time, his release splattering all over Dean’s tee as he cried his assent to
Dean’s possessiveness.
Dean barely let him come down from his high before he pulled him in for a
tender kiss, deep and full of promises.
I ruined your clothes. He mumbled unintelligently and Dean chuckled against his
mouth.
I’ll just put on my gym shirt.
Won’t that be sweaty from class? Not that Dean sweaty was something bad…
Dean hugged him tighter. Didn’t go to class, had to jack off again. He sniffed
Castiel’s hair when Castiel’s breath hitched. You don’t realize what you do to
me, do you? he asked, amused, and Castiel buried his face against his chest.
I’m starting to. He mumbled with a smile he was sure Dean could feel against
his skin.


Chapter End Notes
     Aww, all cutesy <3
***** 04-17-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     Finally. Jesus Christ on a flat bread...


                      *** Part 1: Man, fuck that shit ***


This was the day, Dean thought. This was finally the day. There had been over
one and a half month of stolen moments and rushed kissing and it was all he
could take. This was the day he moved out of the house and into Cas’ apartment.
Between work, family, school and friends there just wasn’t enough time and Dean
was bursting at the seams by now. He needed Cas, he needed to be alone with him
and he knew Cas felt the same way. There was hardly a second when Cas wasn’t at
his side when they finally managed to squeeze in some time. The family had
noticed it too but Mary and Sam just seemed happy that he and Cas had fixed
their problems. If only they knew…
Dean was a little nervous to tell his family to be frank. He wouldn’t say
everything of course; both he and Cas had come to a quiet understanding
concerning the matter of letting people actually know. John had been making
side-ways glances at them though and Dean knew Sam was much too smart for a
fourteen-year-old so yeah, he was nervous.
Looking around his room he was satisfied with what he had packed. It would do
for now. He guessed he wouldn’t really move in with Cas in the sense that a lot
of his stuff would still be at the house. He supposed it would qualify more as
a prolonged sleep-over but he didn’t mind. He would be finished with school
soon and then he could get a job and he and Cas could get a bigger place.
Yeah, that was the plan and it made Dean all warm inside. Cas and him. He and
Cas. He could hardly believe it.
Dean? mom was calling and he stepped out in the hall.
Yeah?
Dinner. She sounded like he should’ve known and he looked at the clock,
realizing that he had been shuffling about in his room for much longer than
he’d have thought.
Thoughts of Cas were really distracting, he thought and thumped down the stairs
to join his family.
No Uncle Cas? Sammy was asking just as Dean joined them and Dean smiled because
he knew where Cas was. Because Cas had told him. Because he thought Dean was
important enough to know. God, I’m such a girl, he thought as he tried to wipe
the dopey smile from his face. No chick flick moments. Mom was looking
questioningly at him too. He cleared his throat as John shook his head.
Business meeting. John explained and Dean didn’t want to be a douche and
correct him —business dinner — so he kept shut.
Sam nodded wisely and started talking about some school project or other and
Dean kind of zoned out, thinking about what sharing Cas’ bed at night could
entail. It was dangerous territory though and he shifted as his lower regions
took notice of his thoughts.
Mom frowned worriedly. Dean? Is everything alright?
He looked up and found the family staring at him. Actually. He cleared his
throat and straightened a little. I have something I want to talk about.
What is it son? John asked but Dean turned more to mom.
I’ve been thinking and I think it’s time I moved out.
Mom blinked. What?
I mean, I’m grown up now and—
Absolutely not. John interrupted and Dean turned an angry stare at him. In the
corner of his eye he could see Sammy eyeing them both.
What do you mean? he all but hissed and mom was looking worried again. He
didn't like that.
Where would you live? How would you support yourself? John went on, his tone
decidedly condescending. What about school?
Well, Dean started, business-like. I would finish that, obviously, but come on,
I’m no Sammy, I was never gonna continue more than I have to. Mom made a face
that said she was surprised and Dean wondered why. I would get a job, after
school.
John nodded and took a bite of his steak. And where would you live until then?
A cardboard box?
John. Mom said, tone hushed but John just rolled his eyes at her.
Mary, what would you have me say?
He could live with Uncle Cas. Sam quipped in and the three of them turned to
stare at him. Sammy just shrugged, cool as a cucumber and Dean could have
kissed him. Right?
I don’t think Uncle Cas would like a teenager to barge in on his life like
that. John stated flatly and it made Dean’s blood rush in his ears.
Why not? he gritted out and John turned to stare at him.
Well, you’ve been arguing with him most of your adolescence for one and now
suddenly you’re best pals? Don’t you think he’s fed up with your fiddling?
Oh, if you only knew old man, Dean thought with a sneer but suddenly realized
what this was about. Cas apparently wasn’t the only one troubled by the past.
Jealous much?
John! Mom gasped this time, appalled. Don't you think Cas should have to answer
for himself?
You can’t be serious Mary? John asked, seemingly genuinely shocked. You would
put Cas on the spot like that?
Dean rose from his seat, his food untouched. I’ll do you one better, John. He
said, his voice full of barely contained superiority and he could see on John’s
face that he was catching on. I’ll go ask Cas myself and if I don't return
tonight you have your answer. He turned to leave but stopped at the foot of the
stairs. Oh, and don’t wait up.


                           *** Part 2: Good game ***


I can’t believe you did that. Cas laughed and it was a deep sound, nurturing
for Dean’s soul. I’ve never gotten so many messages at the same time, and they
got angrier by the minute!
Dean smirked and took a swing of the beer Cas had gotten him. I hope it didn’t
ruin your dinner too much?
Cas smiled and leaned back against the couch they were sitting on. Their couch.
Not at all. He looked at Dean for a while and then reached out to caress Dean’s
cheek. Don’t get me wrong or anything but I thought you wanted to tell them
together?
Dean just shrugged and downed some more beer. I couldn’t wait. The atmosphere
with John was getting stifling.
Cas nodded and looked thoughtful. What did you tell them?
Nothing really, I thought that was what we agreed?
Cas hummed and let his fingers trail down Dean’s neck. So you’re living here
now?
Dean swallowed and felt Cas’ thumb against his Adam’s apple. He put the beer
bottle on the table. Yeah.
And we’re ignoring the family’s questions?
Cas’ eyes were getting steadily darker and Dean was losing focus. Kinda. He
gulped. Sammy actually kind of made it sound like it was his idea. He turned
his head to nuzzle Cas’ hand and Cas breathed deeply through his nose. Mom
seemed okay with it too. John’s just… Being John.
Cas laughed throatily. I know, 99% of the messages were from him.
I’m surprised he hasn’t kicked down the door.
Cas glanced at the mentioned door before sliding over to Dean. I told him it
was fine, he trusts me.
I can’t imagine why.
Are you saying I’m untrustworthy? Cas’ voice was a low rumble and Dean
swallowed again as Cas pulled him closer.
I’m saying he’s jealous.
Maybe so but I don’t care about him and I don’t want to be talking about John
anymore. Cas stated, his demanding tone sending shivers down Dean’s spine.
Oh? And what do you want to be doing? stupid question with Cas pressing so
close but Dean loved the tease. Now that we have all this time on our hands?
Fuck you. Cas deadpanned and Dean’s hips jerked all on their own. And it seems
like your body’s on board. Do you want to keep on talking or do you want what
you really came here for?
Shit, Cas. Dean breathed and pulled the other man in for a bruising kiss.
He still couldn’t believe it. He had Cas, now all to himself and it still felt
like a delirious dream. After all those years of pining it was finally
happening. After Cas had admitted his own feelings to himself it was like the
floodgates had opened and Dean was more than happy to sit back and let the
current drag him with it.
The kiss ended abruptly when Cas stood up and tugged his tie loose. Bedroom,
now. He growled and Dean had never sprinted so fast.
He was the first one inside the small bedroom and when he turned around to meet
his lover he saw Cas chuckling at him. It made a new wave of arousal hit him
and he pressed Cas up against the door when he closed it.
Cas made a pleased noise in the back of his throat and Dean took it as a sure
sign to continue. He took the tie from Cas’ hand and threw it across the room.
Next he chucked off Cas’ suit jacket and made to button down his dress shirt.
Dean. Cas said, sounding breathless and Dean at first thought he was going to
argue the pace or make a joke about Dean’s impatience but he just looked at
Dean like he was the most important person in the world. It made Dean both hard
and embarrassed.
He resorted to hiding his face against Cas’ neck as he got the last button open
and he finally, finally, had the smooth planes of Cas’ chest freed. They had
been naked together before, not wholly but very nearly and it had almost been
too much for Dean. He suddenly wished he had rubbed one out in the bathroom
before Cas got home.
Cas moaned suddenly and gripped Dean’s hips to crush their pelvises together
and Dean realized he had been frozen in the moment, mesmerized by the sight of
Cas’ smooth skin.
Dean gasped and captured Cas’ lips again as they started moving together in
uncoordinated rolls. The heat was tangible and it was making Dean’s chest
constrict in a decidedly pleasurable way.
Bed. Cas rumbled out suddenly but Dean just moaned against his mouth, too
caught up in the moment. Dean, I don’t want this to end too soon.
That made Dean snap to attention but when he looked at his lover he realized
that Cas had meant for himself. Cas was as impatient as he.
God Cas, you’re beautiful. He pressed out and didn’t even recognize his own
voice, so thick with arousal.
Cas arched his back against him, pressing their chests together. I need you in
me tonight, Dean. He snarled and Dean had to grip his dick hard to keep from
coming right there. Get on the bed.
They quickly disposed of their remaining clothes and Dean pulled Cas down
beside him even as he was fishing lube and a condom out of the drawer. Cas
moaned a half-protest and flailed at the bedside table but Dean just smiled and
rolled them over so he was on top.
He smile faltered when he slotted himself between Cas’ open legs and their
dicks rubbed together. The last time they had done that it had only taken a few
powerful strokes from Cas before Dean came hard over both of them. He didn’t
want a repeat of that embarrassment tonight so he lifted himself up on his
knees to look at Cas.
The other man seemed to be as blissed out as he but his impossibly blue eyes
blinked into focus when he saw Dean staring slack-jawed at him.
How do you want me Dean? he asked huskily and Dean felt the coil in his lower
spine tighten impossibly.
I need to see you. He groaned out, feeling ashamed that he had ever thought
that sleeping with a woman would give him experience enough to make it with a
man. I just need you.
But Cas was licking his full lips and nodding, completely in control and it
made Dean’s heart swell.
Scoot back. Cas said and managed to make even that sound sexy. I’m gonna
prepare myself.
Dean did as asked and stared in awe as Cas pulled his knees up, opened the lube
to coat his fingers and then brought them down to his hole. One finger went in
to the first knuckle seemingly with ease and when Dean leaned forward and put a
hand on Cas’ leg Cas arched his back and moaned.
Shit Cas, it looks so tight. He mumbled and he could hear Cas swallowing.
It’ll fit.
No, that’s not what I… Dean realized he was practically face first against Cas’
ass, his fingers almost knocking Dean’s nose. It looks so fucking hot. He
breathed and was rewarded by Cas’ hips stuttering in their folded position.
You’re gonna make me blow it. Cas gritted but Dean was too far gone to stop
now.
He looked up and licked his lips at the sight of Cas’ erection where it lay hot
and heavy against the man’s stomach. Fondling his ass hadn’t diminished it in
the least and Dean wanted to lean down and lick it. He glanced down to where
Cas now had two fingers inside himself. He wanted that more.
He sat up and leaned closer over Cas’ body. Can I try it? he asked, just a
little nervously and Cas just stared at him.
You wanna…?
Dean looked down and saw that Cas’ finger had stopped but not pulled out. Yeah.
He licked his lips again. I wanna feel you, is that okay?
Cas’ other hand shot up so fast he almost knocked Dean out of balance. With a
strangled noise he gripped the base of his dick tight and squeezed, his eyes
shut.
Fuck, Dean. He moaned thickly when little droplets escaped and Dean’s eyes
opened wide when he realized Cas had been about to prematurely blow his load.
At Dean’s words alone. Fuck.
He was snapped out of his thoughts when Cas tossed the tube of lube at him.
You can start with two fingers this time. He said, his voice still thick and
Dean nodded sharply before applying the lube.
The inside of Cas’ ass was amazing. Comparing this to Lisa’s cunt was like
comparing pie to salad Dean thought when he pressed inside. Cas was squirming
beneath him and Dean was taken by the sight.
Cas’ chest and neck were rose tinted and sweat glistened on his skin. His mouth
hung open and his head was cast back, pressed into the pillow. He was holding
his legs back for Dean and when Dean made a scissoring motion his back tried to
arch even though he was folded in half. It was the most beautiful sight Dean
had even seen.
M-more. Cas groaned in a gravelly voice. Give me more.
Dean quickly complied by adding another finger and that seemed to do the trick
for a while. Cas put his feet down on the bed and pulled Dean down to kiss him.
The angle changed but Dean still reached and Cas tasted fucking fantastic.
Their cocks brushed together again and Dean whimpered, not that he would ever
admit that.
I’m ready. Cas panted against his mouth. I need you Dean, I’m ready, enough
already.
Dean was not about to argue that, not with Cas looking so debauched. He slid
down a little, slicking himself with what little lube he had left on his hand,
and prodded Cas’ opening with the head of his dick. He was still a little
uncertain whether he would fit without hurting Cas and he supposed it was that
nervousness that had kept him from going off too soon.
Cas, on the other hand, seemed totally on board and when Dean didn’t move he
tilted his hips up and just the tip of the head slid in. Dean was so startled
that he jerked back and Cas fucking mewled.
Dean, he pressed out, dragging the syllables. Don’t.
Dean realized immediately that Cas thought Dean was teasing him and that was
just so not true. Not that Dean didn’t love the sounds he was dragging from
Cas. Next time, Dean promised himself. Another time when he had had time to
relieve some of his own arousal beforehand, perhaps.
For now he just grabbed Cas’ hips and slowly pushed in.
Incredible tightness enveloped him and he stopped with just the head inside to
catch his breath.
Christ Cas, it’s… there were no words. Just tight heat and Dean’s head was
swimming.
Cas was bucking against him, Dean realized foggily and he complied by slamming
in, bottoming out on the first stroke. Cas screamed and wrapped his lean legs
around Dean’s waist. Just like Lisa had done, Dean remembered, but so very
different. So much better.
Everything was better with Cas. He was hard and lean, and much tighter, his
voice was music to Dean’s ears and fodder for his pulsing erection. His dick
slapped against his stomach as Dean slammed in and out of him and that sight
alone was enough to fill Dean’s spank bank for a lifetime.
Cas was meeting every thrust and had his back in a continuous arch by now. He
had gripped the pillow by his head so hard his knuckles where whitening and was
biting his plump lower lip.
So fucking sexy. Dean heard himself say, realizing that he probably had been
talking gibberish the whole time. Cas whined beneath him, encouraging him. So
hot and sweaty, only for me. Hard only for me.
Yes. He heard Cas hiss out and he bent down, folding Cas like he had folded
Lisa but there was no real resemblance to the motion.
He thrust hard and yet Cas egged him to go faster, harder, and when they were
folded like this Dean could feel Cas’ dick dragging against his stomach too and
it felt too good to be real.
A particularly angled thrust hit something inside Cas that made him scream
again and Dean made sure to hit it again and again.
Fuck, Dean! I’m…
Yeah? Dean huffed against Cas’ ear, feeling more powerful than ever. You close
baby? Cas whined and bucked up. Dean perked up at the different pitch. You like
that Cas? Like it when I call you baby?
Cas was grabbing Dean’s back so hard it would probably leave marks. Dean loved
it.
Yes. Cas hushed out, sounding almost ashamed about admitting it but Dean felt
his balls draw tight at the admission. He leaned down and snapped his hips
harder, racing for his orgasm but wanting Cas to get there before.
So good babe. He babbled. Feels incredible. Gonna come for me?
Cas whined again and Dean remembered himself in the last possible moment: this
was a guy.
As his hand closed around Cas’ straining erection it erupted and an explosion
of come shot out in pearly ropes. Cas shouted himself hoarse and bucked against
Dean, clenching hard enough to almost hurt but fuck if it wasn’t hot.
He could barely keep his focus on Cas’ dick as his own orgasm hit him and he
emptied himself deep inside Cas’ eager body.
It was only when he came to that he noticed he was slouched on top of Cas. Cas
had his arms around him and was humming tunelessly against his head.
He looked up, smiling lopsidedly, and Cas grinned at him.
Back from the dead? he said and Dean realized then that he had come so hard he
had blacked out for a moment.
Shit, Cas. He mumbled and made to get off the other man. I could’ve crushed
you.
Cas just continued to grin. I like you on top of me.
Dean grinned back but shuddered as his now limp dick slid out of Cas’ hole.
That seemed to wipe the smile off Cas’ face too because he moaned instead,
enough to make Dean’s dick twitch valiantly.
Shit. Dean mumbled again and looked down only to freeze. Oh no. He looked up at
Cas who looked questioningly at him. Condom. He whispered and felt so stupid.
How could he have forgotten?
But Cas just shrugged. I know I’m clean, are you?
Dean just stared at him for a second before he got it. Yeah. He said, smiling
broadly. Of course, that was the only real reason to use a condom here. Man, he
reminded himself, this is a man. And it was awesome.
Cas was just smiling lazily but when Dean looked down again he could see some
of his come leaking out of Cas’ hole and that made him swallow. Why did he want
to lick that?
He bent down and touched Cas’ fucked out hole with his fingers and breathed in
sharply when it twitched and almost tried to suck his finger in. When he pulled
back a little more of his come leaked out.
What are you doing Dean? Cas laughed but Dean ignored him for now, wondering
slightly if this was too much, even for gay men. He didn’t care though, any and
everything with Cas was good and he was sure Cas would never be angry with him
for something like this.
So he leaned further down and licked with the flat of his tongue a long stripe
from the back of Cas’ ass all the way up to his balls. Cas jumped and swore but
he definitely didn’t sound angry.
The taste was… something special. Dean didn’t quite know if he liked it or not
but he definitely liked the feel of Cas’ body and the sounds Cas made as he
continued.
Fuck Dean, that’s so hot. Cas moaned and spread his legs to give better access.
You don't even know.
Dean reached down and loosely fisted his newly invigorated dick. God he wanted
to go again.
Cas. He moaned against the other man’s quivering hole. You’re so fucking… I
wanna… Fuck I need you.
Cas panted. Are you saying you want another round already?
Dean looked up. I’m game if you are.
Christ, the libido of youth. Cas laughed and pulled Dean up into a deep kiss. I
love you. He mumbled against Dean’s mouth and Dean felt his whole face heat up.
I love you too Cas. He whispered, only feeling slightly embarrassed.
Always?
Always.
The night didn’t end before they had gone again and, later, after Cas had
sucked Dean off in the shower.


***** 05-02-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     God, IRL it… It just sucks, you guys!
     Anyway, the following chapter deals with some pretty heavy stuff and
     please don’t hate me but I felt it was necessary for the characters’
     development that this happened. That being said, you should really
     head the warning if this is not your thing.
     If you think you would be in any way offended or hurt by this I urge
     you to refrain from reading as you will get the gist of what happened
     from the later chapters. Thank you.
      
     Trigger warning: Serious dub-con, rape


                     *** If happy ever after did exist ***


Little over half a month. That was how long Dean had been living with him and
it felt like pure bliss. Castiel couldn’t even remember why he had thought this
would be a bad idea in the first place. Dean was… Dean was everything to him.
Mary had fussed and John had muttered but on the whole they seemed to be fine
with the new living arrangements. Castiel and Dean still ate many of their
dinners at the Winchesters’ and John had been over with a fold-up bed after
Mary had said she didn’t want Dean sleeping on the couch for too long.
Because obviously that was what they had told them.
The fact that they shared Castiel’s barely big enough bed and that Dean brought
him to staggering heights with his eagerness almost every night was something
they kept to themselves.
John knew though, at least that something was going on, Castiel had no doubt.
And Sammy was looking at them too, though with much kinder eyes. It was his
fault, Castiel knew, he had always been bad at hiding from the Winchester men.
This night John had invited him over to watch some game or other. Castiel
wasn’t particularly into sports but he had agreed anyway, glad to spend some
time with his friend. Between work and Dean Castiel hardly had any free time,
though he knew he wouldn’t want it any other way. Not anymore.
This weekend, however, Dean was away on a school trip. Mary was working one of
her rare 24-hour shifts at the hospital and Sammy was at soccer camp. Perfect
time for John and Castiel to catch up and Castiel was glad to do so. He had
been a little nervous that John would be bringing up Dean moving in with
Castiel though, but he seemed to avoid that topic like the plague. It was odd
but Castiel felt relieved anyway.
As the game progressed John got rowdier and when the pizza arrived, Castiel was
the one to open the door, not wanting John to have to miss anything.
Man. John sighed at yet another commercial break. This is the life, belly full
of pizza and beer.
Castiel arched an eyebrow at him and leaned back too. And the Jack? he asked,
amusedly and John made a face at him, making Castiel laugh.
Icing. He smirked and poured Castiel another shot. To winning this game. He
said and held up his glass in a salute.
Castiel smirked. Down by half as much and ten minutes left? Even I know that’s
a loss. But he clinked his glass against John’s anyway and they downed the
burning liquor together.
Castiel was feeling pleasantly buzzed and content. His life was finally making
him happy again and he knew Dean was the sole cause of that. Even Crowley had
said he looked better, healthier. They still met, for coffee and stuff but
Castiel had made it completely clear that that was it. Crowley had seemed okay
with it and hadn’t made any remarks aside from the one where he had looked hard
at Castiel and told him he hoped it wasn’t John. Castiel had said it wasn’t and
Crowley had seemed genuinely happy on his behalf so that had been the end of
that. Castiel was glad. He wanted to shout out his love from the rooftops but
figured it wasn’t very smart. People knew them in Lawrence and many believed
Castiel was Dean’s uncle for real. It wouldn’t be… prudent.
He smacked his lips and leaned back, still tasting the whisky. He hadn’t had a
real drink since Dean moved in, he realized. That was a good sign but also
probably why he already felt so round under his feet.
John, however, was chugging down enough for the both of them.
As the evening turned into night and the game turned into a movie John actually
grew quieter and when he’d been still for almost half an hour Castiel thought
he’d fallen asleep.
Johnny? he asked, lifting his hand to squeeze his friend’s shoulder. The motion
felt sluggish and he realized he probably shouldn’t have tried to match John’s
pace. You sleeping?
John drew a shuddering breath and turned to look at Castiel, his eyes
unfocused. You staying the night? he asked, quite suddenly and Castiel blinked
before groaning a little in irritation.
The pull-out. He said, suddenly feeling much too tired. I forgot.
Making the pull-out bed was boring when he was sober but now that he was an
inch from shitfaced it seemed like the biggest task in the world. He hadn’t
really thought of sleeping over but now… he couldn’t very well drive.
You could… John looked down at his hands. I mean, my bed’s big enough.
Yours and Mary’s, Castiel thought but didn’t say out loud. Instead he just
shook his head.
I can take Sammy’s or D-Dean’s.
Why had he stuttered on Dean’s name? Now John would definitely know, he was
even looking strangely at Castiel. But the thought of sleeping in Dean’s old
room, in the very bed where he had taught Dean to masturbate for the first
time… The thought made him swallow and clench his hands.
’S fine. He mumbled but John shook his head.
Sleep beside me tonight Cassie. He was saying, his eyes pleading. The bed’s too
big without… It’s just too big. Please, I don't want to be alone.
He sounded too much like his seventeen-year-old self and Castiel was much too
tired. And drunk. So he just nodded quietly.
The bed was big, bigger than Castiel remembered from when he had helped John
put it together after they’d bought it. Big and fluffy. And it smelled very
much like Mary. Castiel supposed it was because he was on her side so he tried
to ignore it. At least the sheets were nice against his bare legs where he lay
in his tee and boxer briefs. If he had been afraid of this strange arrangement
keeping him awake he didn't have to worry; sleep didn’t elude him more than a
couple of breaths.
He was abruptly awakened, however, by a hand snaking around his chest and
pulling him closer. His still inebriated brain at first thought it was Dean who
had come home earlier and he almost called the other man’s name but remembered
himself in the last moment.
John? he asked in a hush. John, I’m not Mary, wake up.
Sch. John’s breath ghosted against Castiel’s neck and his body went stiff. I
know Cas, just let me for a while. I’ve missed you so much.
The quiet of the room was deafening and the darkness seemed to press up on him
where he lay, trapped in John’s embrace. He should push the other man away, he
should yell at him and he should leave. But just when he thought to do at least
one of those things, John shifted his hips and his definite hard-on pressed
against Castiel’s ass cheeks.
Castiel jumped and accidently bumped John’s erection. J-John! he all but
squeaked when the other man groaned.
Jesus Cas, you smell so good. John was pulling him closer and practically
humping his backside. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut.
Stop this John, this isn’t right.
Feels more right than anything else of late. He sighed and pressed a hand
against Castiel’s crotch.
John, no. Castiel was horrified when he felt himself hardening under John’s
hand. Please don’t, you have Mary and I—
Have no one, isn’t that right? he punctuated his statement with a squeeze to
Castiel’s treacherous dick.
I have Dean, Castiel wanted to scream but he couldn’t. He couldn’t! He knew
John knew something but the man was avoiding the facts with fervor. He made a
sobbing noise when John plucked him out of his underwear.
I thought at first that you and Crowley… John growled out the name and nipped
at Castiel’s sweaty neck. But there’s nothing between you, I heard you tell
Mary so when she asked and Crowley’s confirmed it to her. At least he talks to
her.
Why are you talking about Crowley? Castiel wanted to scream. Why, when you know
it’s Dean—
Castiel clawed at the sheets, caught between trying to get away and to just
anchor himself to reality, when John started jerking him. He hated himself. He
didn't like it, he didn't want it and yet when John rolled him over to his
stomach and pressed on top of him Castiel couldn’t help but thrust against the
bed. Is it because it’s Dean?.
You’re so beautiful. John panted above him, his breath still full of alcohol.
Your eyes, your lips. He practically ripped down Castiel’s underwear and
Castiel wanted to die when he heard the noise that action ripped from his
chest. Your whole fucking body.
John was caressing his cheeks and Castiel felt his eyes water even as his dick
leaked onto the sheets.
John, please… he mumbled but John took his shaky words as consent.
So beautiful angel. John groaned and lifted himself up a little. Castiel took
the opportunity to shimmy away but John’s strong hands dragged him back and he
sat down heavily on Castiel’s legs.
Castiel’s blood turned to ice when he felt two spit-slicked fingers at his
entrance and he arched his back in pain when John shoved them in but it only
seemed to spur John on.
Castiel’s sight was blurred from tears and he was panting harshly and trying
very hard to accommodate the forceful intrusion. It didn’t take long for John
to decide he had had enough but spit was still the only lube he used to slick
himself up before he pushed his way inside Castiel’s trembling body.
No, John. Castiel bit back as he tried to breathe deeply, the pain searing but
at least diminishing his erection. Please don’t.
Feels so good baby. John moaned against his back and Castiel hated the nickname
out of John’s mouth.
You’re hurting me. He choked out but John pressed on and when he bottomed out
Castiel thought he felt something rip. Maybe it was his entrance, maybe it was
his heart.
It’ll get better. John moaned and started moving all too soon.
No. Castiel all but cried out but John’s dick was hard and insistent inside
him, filling him up in a way his body remembered all too well and hitting his
prostate at almost every stroke at this angle. John, d-don’t.
It was much too late now, however. John wasn’t stopping and Castiel just lay
there, hating himself for being so weak, so stupid.
Dean, Castiel thought as John sped up. DeanDeanDeanmakehimstopDean.
Castiel couldn’t help his moan when John reached around and fisted his half-
hard cock. He shouted as John’s thrusts became uncoordinated and he emptied
himself inside Castiel’s taunt body.


                                     *****


He waited until he was certain John was asleep before he got up on shaky legs
and pulled his clothes on, ignoring the come that leaked out of him.
He hardly remembered the drive home and when he got inside he collapsed on the
couch, falling either asleep or unconscious.


***** 05-03-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     Thank you all so much for your support!
     Please note that I have never been raped nor do I know anyone that
     have. This is a serious subject, please do not think I’m belittling
     it in any way. Thank you for reading.
     Trigger warning: Rape-denial, Self-doubt!Castiel
     Time to fucking shape up Cassie! <3
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                     *** Part 1: I’ve wasted my nights ***


When Castiel awoke it was to the sun glaring him in the face. He groaned and
turned around, sitting up too fast and getting a serious head-rush. He grabbed
his head in his hands and groaned anew, regretting the JD very much right now.
And then he remembered. Everything.
He felt nauseated and when he moved he could still feel sore and slick with
John’s come. He felt so disgusted he wanted to scream. Instead he just curled
back down on the couch, feeling like shit.
He wanted Dean. He wanted the man’s kind eyes and warm embrace but how the hell
could he face him now? After he had let John, Dean’s father, do something like
that. Dean would never forgive him.
He pulled out his phone before he remembered that Dean wouldn’t be home until
the next day. He opened it anyway and to his dismay he saw he had a missed text
from Dean. It turned out to be a photo of Dean standing in front of a building,
looking miserable between Jo and Gabriel, both of whom obviously were trying to
ruin the photo. Castiel smiled despite himself. No, he couldn’t tell Dean but
he needed someone. Usually John would be the one he would go to but… And there
wasn’t even a single missed message from John. He probably hasn’t even woken
up, Castiel reflected dully as he dialed the number to Crowley.
Dove. Crowley said in way of greeting. I was just thinking brunch and guess who
would call. He sounded in a good mood and Castiel hated to destroy it. God, he
was so selfish.
Fergus… he started and it ended Crowley’s monologue but he had to swallow to
steady his voice.
What is it? Crowley asked when Castiel had been silent for too long. What’s
wrong?
Why had he called? It’s… I…
It’s John, isn’t it? Crowley sounded angry already.
Castiel gasped a little and curled in on himself even more. How would you know?
maybe it had been a bad idea calling Crowley, of all people, what with his long
grudge against John.
Crowley swore. I don’t know, I just assume where that moron is concerned.
Fergus I… We… he swallowed hard again. We ended up in bed together.
Why? Don’t you have your lover boy?
I do. He couldn’t be thinking about Dean now or he would really cry. He pressed
the phone to his ear. We were supposed to just sleep. I was too drunk to drive
home, we were sleeping and then…
Crowley drew a sharp breath. He fucking raped you.
Castiel winced at the word. He didn’t rape me per say. He could hear Crowley
moving in the background. He just kind of… Pressed me down and I said no but
then I just… Just lay there and let it happen.
Yeah, that’s rape love.
Castiel shook his head. I should’ve stopped him.
You shouldn’t have had to! Crowley yelled, his voice raspy from anger and
Castiel winced again.
Fergus, what do I do? What do I tell— he stopped himself before saying Dean’s
name but Crowley seemed to get it anyway.
You don’t worry Cassie, I’m gonna go take care of it. You won’t have to say
anything to anyone.
Castiel immediately got a worrying feeling in the pit of his stomach. What do
you mean ‘take care’? he asked carefully. The damage was already done, what was
there to do now?
I’m gonna go shoot him.
Castiel felt cold all over. Crowley meant it, Castiel had no doubt. Crowley had
his own laws and rules to live by and John was just dirt under Crowley’s shoe.
This had obviously been the drop.
Fergus, no. Castiel started and sat up slowly.
You just sit tight love. He answered and then promptly hung up.
Fergus!
He swore and desperately tried to call his friend back. After two failed
attempts he dragged a hand down his face and tried to call John. When he didn't
answer either Castiel got seriously scared. Should he call the police? Crowley
was not a man to kid around.
Frantically he tried his friend again and was relieved when he answered.
What?
What do you mean what?! Castiel all but shouted. Where are you?
Just getting my gun.
Castiel took pause. You have a gun?
He could practically hear the shrug through the phone. Got it when I lived in
Florida, nothing much but it’ll do the trick.
Don’t do anything.
Crowley sighed. Fine Cassie, I won’t do anything. The tone suggested otherwise.
Just get to my apartment.
Fine. He spat and hung up again.
It was twenty minutes of nervous waiting and wondering if he’d done the right
thing not to call the police before Crowley knocked on his door. John still
hadn’t called back.
Crowley pulled him into an honest to God hug before he stepped past Castiel and
into the apartment.
So, Crowley sat down on the couch, his jacket in his lap and Castiel wondered
briefly where he kept the gun. You wanna tell me what actually happened?
Castiel carded his fingers through his hair and sat down beside the man. I told
you. He kind of just rolled on top of me and I let him.
Crowley’s eyes were hard. ‘Let him’?
Yes, I should’ve… Castiel sighed and looked away, not knowing how to continue.
Crowley shifted in his seat when the silence had stretched for too long.
I know you don’t like me being mad at John and you apparently don’t want me to
kill him, why did you call?
Castiel regarded his friend and wondered how sincere he had been in his
attempted murder spree. Suddenly he realized that he actually knew nothing of
the man. And yet… Castiel needed to trust him; needed to have someone to trust.
I just needed to talk to someone. He all but whispered and Crowley nodded as if
that much was obvious.
But not me, right? Not really. He smacked his tongue against his palate when
Castiel didn’t answer. Where’s your boyfriend?
Castiel looked down at his phone that still lay on the coffee table. Away over
the weekend.
So call him.
I can’t.
The atmosphere was getting stifling. Crowley had been famous for his short
temper in high school and clearly that hadn’t changed. He started getting to
his feet when Castiel didn’t continue.
If you’re not going to talk then I don't see the point—
It’s Dean! Castiel all but yelled and buried his face in his hands when Crowley
turned to look at him.
What?
My boyfriend is Dean.
Who? he cocked his head to the side and stared surprised at Castiel when he
finally got it. Castiel could hardly look at him. Dean? John and Mary’s boy?
Castiel was nodding but Crowley kept going. Yea high, chipmunk kind of look?
Yes, I… Chipmunk?
Castiel looked up and saw Crowley smiling. Why was he smiling?
Well, more squirrely maybe? With the cheeks. He puffed his out and Castiel
couldn’t believe his ears but he was actually laughing. Crowley kept smiling,
almost proudly. That Dean?
Yes. Castiel nodded and managed to stop laughing. That Dean’s my boyfriend.
Well hell Cassie, why haven’t you said anything?
I just thought…
Crowley frowned as if deep in thought. Come to think of it, I think I saw him
leaving here the other day. Yes, and I definitely met him in the stairs that
one time I stayed for two nights. He looked at Castiel, waving his hand as
realization dawned. He was clearly coming to visit you but he just kept walking
when I opened your door, I thought it was odd but I guess I scared him off?
Castiel nodded again. You have no idea.
Well, I am pretty imposing.
Castiel looked at Crowley and figured Dean had at least a good two inches on
the man, if not three. He decided to not bruise his ego though, not when
Crowley was making him feel so good despite everything.
He thought he fooled you by going up another floor.
Crowley scoffed. Please, with an expressive face like that I’d be surprise if
he could even fool a child.
Call me a child then, Castiel thought, smiling. Why are you so okay with this?
Crowley looked genuinely surprised. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m not in love with
you, or him.
That’s not what I meant, Dean and I—
He’s legal right? I mean, he’s gotta be like twenty by now.
Castiel snorted. Really Fergus? He’s eighteen, how’s your math doing?
Much better now that I have an accountant. Point is Castiel, if you’re happy
and he’s happy, what’s the problem?
I… Dean had had similar arguments. Was it possible that Castiel was just being
stubborn, holding on to old rules? He and Dean had gotten over the barriers,
why couldn’t he make the rest of the world do it too? He grew up with me as his
uncle. He finished lamely and Crowley looked at him like he was mentally
disabled.
But you’re not, though.
But John and I… The history…
Cassie, Crowley turned to him and grabbed his chin to get him to stop babbling.
You need to ask yourself one simple question: do you love—no, are you in love
with that boy because he is John’s son, or in spite of that fact?
Castiel looked at him, wild-eyed and slightly crazed. He already knew the
answer. It was the exact problem he had had with Dean’s advances in the first
place and he had answered the question, for himself and for Dean. He understood
what Crowley was getting at.
I need to tell John. He whispered and Crowley nodded, apparently understanding
fully what Castiel meant.
I think you should. He released Castiel’s chin but kept his gaze. And you
should talk to Dean too, remember that what John did was not your fault. If
Dean blames you he is not the man for you Cas.
Castiel looked down at his hands. Yes. he mumbled in agreement and Crowley
nodded, seemingly content with that answer even if Castiel still was somewhat
hesitant.
Crowley suddenly clapped his hands. Now, I think my work here is done and lucky
for us because I’m planning on moving. Lawrence is much too small for me.
Castiel looked at him, his eyes soft. Thank you Fergus.
No problem love. He winked. And if you ever tire of Dean’s youthfulness and
stamina you could always call me.
Castiel smiled broadly, actually feeling good about it. Yes, I’ll call you if
I’m ever in the mood for a good stationary lay that’ll let me do all the work.
Crowley scrunched up his face. I did some work.
You did enough. Castiel laughed and Crowley muttered something about Castiel
being a needy ingrate but he quieted soon and Castiel sat looking at him for a
while. He looked tired. What happened to your girl? he asked suddenly and
Crowley looked up, questioningly at first but he understood quickly enough.
There had been too many times with Crowley calling her name for Castiel not to
know.
She moved away. He muttered and Castiel’s heart clenched. But it’s better that
way, she moved to San Fran so I’m going in the opposite direction.
He put a hand on Crowley’s surprisingly soft cheek. Don’t be sad, king of
kings. He mumbled and Crowley looked like he wanted to say something but then
he just stood abruptly, never one for revealing too much of himself to anyone.
Castiel figured he had probably gotten more out of the man than anyone had in
the last decade.
I’m not. Crowley assured him. I’ve got a good deal going on way over on the
east coast, it’s going to be great.
Blazing saddles?
You know it. He shrugged on his jacket and Castiel sat up straight.
You’re leaving already?
You have a lot of other things, he looked pointedly at the phone. To take care
of, don’t mind little ol’ me. I even think maybe I’ll go pay the Winchesters a
visit after all.
Castiel frowned. I told you not to blame John.
And I’ve told you to stop covering for that moron. You’re too kind Cassie,
almost to the point of stupidity. Crowley smiled at him when Castiel rolled his
eyes, embarrassed. Besides, he added, suddenly predatory. I’ve yet to pay Mary
an actual visit and you know, Dean turned out to be such a good specimen, they
had another son too, didn’t they? Sam? Sammy?
Castiel rose. Sam’s not for you, he’s only fourteen and—
Crowley laughed. Relax Castiel, I would never touch a child. He grinned when he
saw Castiel blushing, clearly thinking he had ripped on Castiel’s and Dean’s
relationship.
If only he knew…
Good. Castiel mumbled, having never really believed Crowley would do something
like that. But still, it didn’t hurt to check. The man had pulled a gun on a
half-rapey incident after all.
Besides, the Winchester boys never held quite the same charm over me, you can
have them all to yourself.
Castiel scoffed at him when he opened the door. Yes, thank you very much
Fergus. He said and Crowley laughed as he left, his laughter still lingering in
the apartment even after he was gone. It left a comforting feeling in Castiel’s
chest.


                        *** Part 2: Your last shot ***


John sat in his car for a long while, just staring at the apartment building.
Cas had tried calling him but he had been… he had been hating himself to be
frank. Too much to answer when the phone started buzzing and even more so when
he was too scared to pick up.
He sighed and raked his hand down his face. He had to do this, he had to. Cas
deserved to be apologized to, deserved to be treated right and he needed to do
this now, before Cas could find a way to blame himself too much. Besides, this
would give them a chance to talk about Dean living with his uncle too. The
arrangement made John’s skin crawl and he needed to make sure of things. Cas
was far too trusting and Dean was… Dean was John’s son, which made John very
nervous.
The sun of early May was hot on his neck and he was momentarily blinded when he
entered the building’s gloom, which was probably why he was unprepared for the
attack. He stumbled back against the wall by the door and hit his head on the
hard concrete. Before he even managed more than a groan, his attacker grabbed
the front of his shirt and pulled him closer.
You. The man practically roared and even though John still had trouble focusing
his gaze he still recognized the man’s accent. That was a voice he would never
forget.
Crowley. He growled in response but managed to do nothing before he was hauled
down the stairs to the basement level and forcefully pushed inside a door
leading to a corridor even darker than the stairs.
What in the bloody hell are you doing here? Crowley barked and slammed the door
shut behind him. Haven’t you caused enough trouble?
John snorted. I see Cas has shared with you, again. Yes, he was still bitter.
What had happened in high school had been their business and the memory of
Crowley beating the living hell out of him was all too fresh, especially now
when he was practically reliving it.
Crowley’s punch landed square in his stomach and even though it was much
lighter than he had anticipated it still took the air out of him and he doubled
over, struggling to breathe and unable to talk, which probably had been what
Crowley had been aiming for.
I don’t want you near him, John. Crowley stated but stepped back, much to
John’s confusion. I was on my way to shoot you before, don’t think I wouldn’t.
John’s blood froze in his veins. Oh he believed Crowley alright. And wouldn’t
he deserve it? After all he had done, would he even deserve that? He
straightened and took a shaky breath.
What happened? he asked and Crowley crossed his arms over his chest.
Cas’ mercy happened. He shook his head disgustedly. You’ve still got a part of
him wrapped around your finger.
I doubt it. John muttered, thinking if anything it was the other way around.
Cas was… It was hard to think about. It hurt more than Crowley’s punches ever
would, to think about what Cas was or could have been.
Crowley was still shaking his head. You’re lucky he has such a big, stupid
heart Johnny. And you’re lucky I like him as much as I do, I don’t want him to
be sad and God help him, he would mourn your death.
The way he said it, like he didn’t think no one else would mourn, made John
shiver in self-disgust.
I know. He said lowly but only because he couldn’t say all the other things he
wanted to, or needed to.
I want you to leave John.
John looked up, irritated now. I don’t fucking care what you want, Crowley. He
spat. I need to talk to Cas, I need to make this right.
Crowley snorted. If you think you could ever make this right you’re sorely
mistaken Johnny. Cas may think he can forgive you but this will never truly go
away. Can you honestly say that you’ve forgiven yourself? Crowley was getting
agitated again but John just squinted angrily at him.
Of course I haven’t, I—
Crowley was on him in an instant, grabbing his shirt again and smacking him
back against the wall to make him loose his breath again. Then what the hell
are you doing here?! Crowley roared in his face. What makes you think you being
here is even remotely okay?
John struggled to get out of Crowley’s grasp but the man was stronger than he
looked and when he half-heartedly kneed him on his hip Crowley’s eyes just
darkened with anger and he slammed John back against the wall again.
You know, Crowley whispered against his ear as John was regaining his breath. I
promised Cas not to damaged you but if I only hurt you where it doesn’t show he
won’t know, will he? I mean, you certainly won’t tell him and he won’t ever see
you naked, right?
John’s breath was ragged but he understood well enough. R-right. He agreed, all
too familiar with Crowley’s violent side and actually starting to fear for
himself.
Now, I happen to know that Cas wants to talk to you too and I do believe that
you two have some real serious matters to discuss but I also know that he has
someone else that he needs to talk to too. Someone much more deserving of his
time than you.
John’s throat was constricting and not from lack of breath, even though Crowley
was still pressing him into the wall. He had had his suspicions but he didn’t
want to believe it. Life couldn’t be so cruel, could it?
I will leave. He croaked and Crowley leaned back, looking inquisitorially at
him for what seemed liked ages.
Yes. He agreed eventually, finally releasing his grasp on John. You will let
him have at least this day without you.
John was rubbing his neck where his shirt collar had dug in and refusing to
look at Crowley. We still need to talk though. He added, just to give
appearance of not being as effected by Crowley’s bullying as Crowley
undoubtedly hoped.
Crowley just squinted at him. Yes you do. He conceded but stepped into John’s
personal space again. But know this; if you hurt him again I will not hesitate
to pull my gun on you. Cas may be as forgiving as a saint but you and I both
know that I’m not. He nodded when John did. Besides, if I’ve interpreted Cas
right I think you should be even more worried about what the love of Cas’ life
will do to you when he finds out. He smirked evilly when he saw what effect his
words had on John’s composure. Didn’t like that, did you? he out right laughed
in John’s face when John looked away. Learn to live with it, he may have loved
you once but you shat on all your chances. He turned to leave but paused by the
door when John fell back against the wall, once again struggling to breathe. He
will never love you again Johnny, not like that.
It took more than half an hour before John could move again.


Chapter End Notes
     Thank the Gods for Crowley… Man, Cas, you should've let him off John!
***** 05-04-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     Okay, the ending is in sight! :D
     I just had to write this, I don’t even know if it’s too OOC even for
     my own interpretations of the characters but I had a general idea of
     what was supposed to happen in this chapter and I had to do it this
     way. Sorrynotsorry! XD
     Trigger warnings: The author is insane, father/son tag-team*,
     unrealistic sex-scen...
See the end of the chapter for more notes


               *** One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick ***


It was Sunday evening and Castiel was nervously awaiting Dean’s arrival. Dean
had been texting him all day and Castiel couldn’t wait any longer. He needed
his lover beside him. He needed to tell Dean what had happened between him and
John and he needed to tell him that he wanted them to talk to John about their
relationship. If there still was a relationship after Dean knew, that was.
People rarely slept with their lovers’ dads and expected everything to be fine
after that. Castiel was prepared for that too. He knew he needed to tell Dean
anyway, there would be no secrets between them if he could help it.
Castiel looked at his phone, both checking the watch and the inbox. There was
nothing new from Dean and, maybe more importantly, nothing from John. He hadn’t
tried calling John again but he had left a message sometime after Crowley had
left yesterday, saying he wanted to talk. He had actually thought John would be
man enough to at least answer him but Castiel was beginning to realize that
John was more of a coward than he had thought.
Just as he was sitting there, fiddling with his phone, the door burst open to
reveal a slightly out of breath Dean. He was smiling broadly and chucked his
bag to the floor even as he was closing the door.
I’m back. He announced, panting slightly and Castiel realized he probably had
been running up the stairs, maybe even from the bus stop.
You sure are. Castiel smiled, feeling his whole chest warm at the sight of the
young man. His young man. His Dean.
Dean practically bounced over to where Castiel was sitting on one of the bar
stools by the kitchen counter. Without further ado he pulled Castiel into a
suffocating embrace.
You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.
Castiel laughed, thinking he probably had, what with all the pictures and texts
he’d gotten but he decided not to say anything about that. Just feeling Dean
pressing close to him was soothing to his soul.
The trip was that bad?
Dean leaned out and looked at him for a while, really looked, and then shook
his head. Not so bad, I just wished you’d been there too. That would’ve been
awesome. He leaned down to peck Castiel lightly on the lips. In spite of
himself, Castiel groaned and Dean quickly deepened the kiss. He tasted
wonderful, a little like the gum he’d been chewing but mostly like Dean and it
was a taste Castiel could get drunk on.
But not now, they needed to talk. So he pulled back and stopped Dean when he
made to follow.
Dean, wait. He smiled slightly when Dean pouted. We need to talk.
That made Dean’s face drop. He sat down immediately and Castiel swallowed.
What’s wrong baby? Dean asked and Castiel felt a warm flush at the nickname. It
was like a drug when Dean said it.
I… he clenched his hands. This was why he had rehearsed. Too bad it apparently
hadn’t stuck. There was an incident when you were away.
Dean looked worried. What’s with the enunciation on ‘incident’ Cas? he asked
and took one of Castiel’s hands. Is someone hurt?
No. Castiel shook his head. Not physically at least. Not enough to do anything
about it and he frankly didn’t want the attention. No, it’s… he swallowed
nervously when Dean leaned in, his face so trusting. He didn’t want Dean to
hate him, it made him want to vomit. Friday after you left I went over to the
house. Sammy was on soccer camp, Mary was working so me and John decided to
drink and watch some sports.
Dean’s face had darkened already and Castiel wondered despairingly if Dean had
already understood.
What happened?
I-I got drunk. We… I was too tired to make a bed for myself so we decided to
share and-and…
Dean suddenly stood up, looking positively livid. Son of a bitch! he yelled,
his voice scaring Castiel enough for him to jump back and hit his back on the
counter. He winced. He raped you, didn’t he? Fucking asshole!
What? No! Castiel stood as well, wondering how Dean so quickly had jumped to
that conclusion, almost as if he had anticipated John doing something like
that. Dean stopped in his step towards the door.
No? he asked and Castiel shook his head. So there wasn’t any sex, is that what
you’re saying?
Castiel flushed red, not knowing what to feel at the thought of Dean
considering any sex between Castiel and John at this point as rape. He bowed
his head in shame. There was.
Are you saying you liked it then? Is that it?
Castiel looked up, scared at Dean’s words and Dean was squinting angrily at
him. N-no! he exclaimed. I didn’t like it, I-I told him to stop but he… And I
didn’t come but that doesn’t really mean anything… I-I… he sat down again,
hiding his face in his hands. We got come all over Mary’s side. Why did it come
out all weak-sounding? Like he was some kind of pitiful creature. And why had
he said that last part? Dean would surely hate him now.
But Dean didn't leave. Instead he crouched beside Castiel and put his strong
hands on his shoulders, making Castiel lean against his solid chest.
He fucked you even though you told him to stop?
Yes.
That’s totally rape Cas.
No I— he looked up, seeing Dean looking sorrowfully at him. Why does everyone
keep saying that? I should’ve done more to stop him. I’m a grown-ass man.
Baby. Dean hugged him tight. You need to stop saving him—wait. He pulled
Castiel forcefully back just as Castiel was getting comfortable against him and
Castiel was reminded of the fact that Dean was a whole lot stronger than him.
In another context that would be thrilling. What do you mean ‘everyone’? Dean
squinted and Castiel looked at him, his head cocked in confusion.
Well, I—
It’s that Crowley guy, isn’t it?
I…
Dean stood up once more, looking angry again. Jesus Christ Cas. Does he know
everything about our private life? he looked at Castiel, both angry and…
desperate? Castiel cocked his head even further to the side. I should be the
one you talk to about stuff like this. Dean elaborated.
The meaning sunk in and Castiel’s eyes softened. Of course Dean. He said and
stepped over to his lover. But you weren’t here and I needed to talk to
someone. He put his hands on Dean’s waist and was relieved when Dean didn’t
pull away. You should be glad, Fergus was the one to make me realize a lot of
things. Without him there’d be no us, in a sense.
Remind me to send Fergus a thank you note later. Dean muttered but he put his
arms around Castiel anyway.
Castiel leaned in, tucking his head against Dean’s neck and inhaling his
intoxicating scent. Are you going to be this jealous about every man I talk to?
Just the guys you’ve fucked.
Some people would find jealousy an irritating trait in their partner.
Dean looked guiltily down at him. Well, excuse me but—
Not me though. Dean definitely perked up at the dip in Castiel’s tone. I like
being yours.
Dean hugged him tighter, definitely responding. Good, ‘cuz I’m not letting you
go. His hands wandered but stopped just above Castiel’s ass and Castiel wanted
to groan in disappointment but stopped himself when he saw Dean’s expression.
Dean?
That’s why I gotta go take care of John. He started to leave but Castiel pulled
him back into the embrace.
I already talked Fergus out of killing John, don’t make me talk sense into you
too. He looked at Dean with soft eyes. Dean, if you still want me I will tell
John all about us. I think he suspects things but… This is my fault. I
should’ve said something to him earlier. If he knew for certain he never would
have—
Cas, stop, okay? Dean held up a hand and Castiel quieted immediately. First of
all, of course I still want you. Do you think I would throw away a life-long
love just because you got raped by my dad? I really hope you think higher of
me. And secondly, you tell him? Alone? What the hell do you think he would do
to you then?
Castiel was actually shocked that Dean would imply something like that. He—
He would rape you even worse.
Castiel winced when Dean said it out loud. He would never… He was drunk and I-
I should’ve shoved him off. He didn’t get what he was doing. He would never
hurt me intentionally.
Goddammit Cas. Dean sighed and pushed Castiel away at arm’s length. The action
made Castiel’s heart clench. You are too kind and too fucking trusting. He has
already hurt you. Dean was angry again and Castiel wasn’t exactly sure why. He
wanted to be back in Dean’s embrace. He fucking hurt you eighteen years ago and
then he continued to taunt you with it all this time, shoving us in your face.
And now he fucking hurt you again! Dean’s voice had risen at the end and his
eyes were wild. You need to stop making excuses for him.
Fergus has said something similar. Castiel revealed in a small voice and Dean’s
face softened immediately.
Good, I’m starting to warm up to that guy already.
Castiel laughed a little, only now realizing that he was crying silently. Dean
wiped away his tears with the pad of his thumb.
Don’t cry babe. He whispered and leaned down to nuzzle his nose against
Castiel’s and Castiel realized with a start that Dean was taller than him now.
When had that happened? Surely not over the weekend? We will tell John, Cas.
Dean was saying even as Castiel’s lips found his. I will hold your hand and
sock him in the face if he has anything stupid to say about us because you are
mine and there’s nothing he can do about it. Their kisses deepened and Castiel
moaned lowly in the back of his throat at Dean’s possessiveness.
Yes. Castiel pressed closer to Dean and gasped when he felt Dean’s cock already
hardening against him. Yes Dean, yours.
Only mine. Dean was squeezing his ass now and Castiel was suddenly reminded,
all in a heated rush, how much he had missed Dean. He fucking had his chance
and he blew it. Dean was saying against his lips as Castiel arched into his
touch. His loss, I fucking win so much.
Castiel mewled and he didn’t even care. He was like a puddle of heated goo in
Dean’s hands. No lover before had ever made him feel like this. So needed,
something to be worshiped, something to love so much. No one.
Dean. He gasped and thrust his hips in greedy little circles against Dean’s. I
need you.
I know baby. Dean groaned out. I need you too, more than you know. He moved his
hands to gently caress Castiel’s back. But are you… Are you okay, though?
Castiel at first didn’t understand what the hell Dean was talking about now,
not until Dean’s hands landed on his ass again. He smiled but hid it from
Dean’s concerned face by kissing Dean’s neck. Sure, he was sore and sure his
emotions were frazzled but nothing, nothing, would at this point keep him from
enjoying his Dean. If anything, the weekend’s events made him want his lover’s
touch even more. It would take much more than John fucking Winchester to keep
him from happiness now.
Yeah. He breathed against Dean’s neck. I’m okay Dean. Please, I need you.
Dean made a strangled noise and was sliding down to the floor, yanking
Castiel’s pants and underwear down before he even knew what was happening. His
erection sprung free and bobbed before Dean’s hungry eyes. The sight made
Castiel’s knees weak and he put his hands on Dean’s shoulders for support.
Fucking hell Cas. Dean breathed against his sensitive dick. You get more
beautiful every time I see you.
Castiel moaned at the praise and Dean seemed to be blushing, as if he hadn’t
meant to say it out loud. But before Castiel had time to conjure a response
Dean took his dick in one hand and sucked him down as far as he could in one
stroke.
Castiel’s hips bucked and he growled possessively, fisting a hand in Dean’s
short hair. Dean put his other hand on Castiel’s hip to steady him as he begun
bobbing his head, his cheeks hollowing on the way up and his eyes closed in
bliss, as if Castiel tasted better than anything in the whole world.
Castiel clenched his jaw shut but didn’t try to hold back the sounds Dean wrung
from him. He knew Dean liked him being vocal and had more than once come just
at the sounds Castiel made. This time, however, he hadn’t even removed his
pants. He was obviously aroused though, his jeans tenting almost obscenely and
his hips jerking on their own but he kept his focus on Castiel. Snaking his
tongue around the head and fondling the tight balls with one hand.
Castiel was already so close, so very close. He couldn’t believe how much he
had missed Dean. And it wasn’t even just about the sex. He wanted Dean close
all the time. To feel his warmth, to smell him, to hear him. He was honey for
Castiel’s starved soul. The idea that Dean would leave him because of what had
happened this weekend had been devastating but now Castiel couldn’t even
remember why he had thought so in the first place. Dean would never leave him.
Dean loved him.
His balls were drawing up all too soon and his breath came in short gasps. Dean
was evidently spurred on by his lover’s sounds and Castiel could do nothing but
clench Dean’s hair and whimper pitifully. The build was almost painful, the
heat flaring in his lower back, his stomach muscles coiling. So close, so, so
very cl—
Suddenly the front door opened and both Dean and Castiel jumped high, both too
involved and barely able to register what happened. Castiel moaned when Dean
popped off him with a wet sound, his orgasm still only half a second away.
Cas? I got your message and I— John stopped dead, just looking at them. The
door clicked shut behind him.
Dean’s face darkened but he didn’t rise to his feet and he didn’t remove his
hands. Castiel desperately wished he would but couldn’t find his voice and
feeling like the effort of moving away would get him off untouched.
What are you doing here? Dean asked, his voice dark and Castiel whimpered when
his cock jumped at the sound. So close.
He really didn’t want to be looking at John when he was in this embarrassing
position, especially not after everything, but his eyes drew back to the other
man and he distractedly noticed the dark circles under John’s eyes and a
distinct redness to his neck, almost as if he had been strangled. Strangely,
though, Castiel felt empty of empathy even when confronted with these facts.
Either John had finally managed to kick himself free from Castiel’s heart or
his painful erection was taking up all of his attention. It was hard to tell
with Dean still on his knees in front of him.
I… John’s eyes swept over them both, meeting Castiel’s lust-blown ones briefly
before settling on Dean. Cas wanted to talk to me.
About you raping him, you mean?
John’s face blushed bright red and Castiel really wished Dean would remove his
hands, why was he still massaging Castiel’s balls anyway? Castiel’s eyes
watered with the effort of staving off his orgasm. This was the worst possible
moment. Why couldn’t his dick just die down? Whore, he thought desperately but
his dick didn’t listen.
I guess. John muttered and took a step closer. Why?! And this too, I’d imagine.
He gestured to them and Dean fucking leered at him. Castiel’s knees were
buckling again.
Yeah, well, as you can see we’re a little busy right now. Dean sneered. You’re
gonna have to wait your turn.
Taunting John? The worst possible move. He sauntered closer challengingly and
Dean squared his jaw. Castiel wanted to sprout wings and fly off.
You think you’re some kind of hot shot because you know how to suck dick, boy?
John asked in his most condescending tone and Castiel wanted to interfere, so
very much. But apparently not more than his body wanted that orgasm. Dean
squeezed his balls protectively and it only made it worse.
D-Dean. He moaned. I… A-ah! He whined when Dean squeezed again and leaned down
a little, folding himself over Dean’s form as his cock leaked a generous amount
of pre-come. Dean smiled lecherously.
You back off now Johnny. Dean warned his father and why the hell was he
sounding like he was getting ready to fight when he still had his face mere
inches from Castiel’s leaking cock? You’ve no right to touch him, not after
what you did.
John blushed again, obviously feeling guilty. We were both drunk. He mumbled.
You keep using that as an excuse if it makes you feel better.
Suddenly John was on his knees behind Castiel, eyeing his son as if he had
challenged him to a stand-off. Sex-off? Castiel’s hazy mind provided and his
legs trembled.
You think you’re something else, don’t you? John hissed angrily. Just because
you’ve fucked Cas a couple of times doesn’t mean you know jack squat about him.
John still didn’t really believe what he was seeing, Castiel realized. Was he
thinking that Dean was just earning his keep with sexual favors? How stupid was
he? Or was he unwilling to simply accept it? Castiel wanted to cry and scream
and hit. His dick wanted to spray come all over Dean’s handsome face.
Oh, I know a lot more than you think. Dean spat out, obviously stepping up to
the challenge. Like father like son, apparently. Was no one thinking about
Castiel’s feelings? And dick?
Really? John sneered and grabbed Castiel’s hips from behind.
Really.
Castiel couldn’t help his primal scream when Dean put his lips back against his
burning cock. The pleasure of the long-awaited friction was almost blinding.
Behind him, Castiel heard an angry snarl and suddenly his ass cheeks were being
spread apart.
When John’s tongue snaked out to lap at his quivering entrance Castiel’s knees
buckled again and he would have stumbled to the floor if it weren’t for the
Winchesters holding him up.
Dean renewed his vigor and was sucking enthusiastically, his tongue lapping up
both pre-come and saliva even as John’s skilled tongue began fucking his hole.
It was gentle but determined and the pain from any remaining soreness was
mixing with the sharp arousal and actually spurring Castiel’s body.
F-fuck. Castiel stammered, thrusting his hips forward to meet Dean’s heat and
back to impale himself on John’s eager tongue. He wanted to stop but he also
wanted nothing more than to continue. The double stimulation was quickly over-
taking his senses and he was screaming himself hoarse after just a few moments.
That Dean and John were glaring angrily at each other between thrusts was
nothing Castiel noticed. All he could feel was the delicious pleasure coursing
through his body. His mind had gone completely blank.
When he came it was with a strangled cry, his come splattering over Dean’s lips
and chin, his ass bucking back against John’s willing mouth, clenching hard.
When he came to again, he was still standing and Dean and John were still
sitting on the floor supporting his weight and having the stare-off of their
life. Anger bubbled up inside of him at the sight. This was going too far, even
by his pretty loose sex moral-standards. He was not a toy for them to fight
over.
He wrenched himself free and stumbled away, almost falling but catching himself
on the couch.
Get out. He said, his hoarse voice dangerously low. They stared at him, Dean
wiping come off his mouth and John looking like he wanted to cry. Yes, John had
heard this tone of voice before; knew what it meant.
I’m sorry— he started but Dean pushed him so forcefully in the chest that he
toppled over.
Cas— Dean started instead but Castiel pointed at them both.
No. You two. Get out. Now.
They scrambled to their feet but Dean paused in the door. Baby—
Out! he boomed, his voice hard enough to crush rock and Dean stared at him,
scared, before slamming the door shut behind him.


Chapter End Notes
     *Though I guess not so much of a warning as just a heads up, I mean
     seriously, how likely is this scenario? Especially after what they
     just went through? But this is a fic and not a very realistic one at
     that… Besides, who can resist a Winchester-manwich with Castiel in-
     between?! XD
     Next will be a double post with the last chapter and the extras right
     after to hopefully wrap some shit up!
     p.s. please remember that this is a fic and therefore not very
     anchored to reality, rape is nothing to make fun of or forget the
     next day, please act accordingly and be safe <3
***** 05-12-1997 *****
Chapter Notes
     Wow, so last chapter was fucked up! Time to wrap this baby up with
     some feels :)
     Aaah, the sweet, fluffy feels...
See the end of the chapter for more notes


                 *** While you’re sitting round wondering ***


Dean ran all the way to Cas’ apartment, arriving much like he had last time:
panting and out of breath. Cas looked up when he crashed through the door. He
was standing by the kitchen counter, loosening his cuffs and looking thoroughly
business-like. It made Dean’s throat constrict.
Cas! he exclaimed and slammed the door. He didn’t dare force himself on the
other man but he rushed up to him anyway.
Hello Dean. Cas said, his voice decidedly practical and it made Dean’s blood
run cold.
Cas, what’s going on? You haven’t returned any of my calls until now and I… he
looked down. You weren’t here when I came here to talk to you.
Yes, well, I’ve been busy. Cas stated and Dean didn’t like how he looked when
he loosened his tie, all efficient and not at all like he was glad to see Dean.
Dean was terrified of what he had done — and so soon after what John had done
too! So immature, that mean voice from a couple of months back had taunted over
and over — but he still got all warm inside when he looked at Cas. Cas seemed
distant.
How’s things around the house? he asked as he pulled the tie over his head.
Dean swallowed. The week hadn’t been easy. John and I almost killed each other
but mom cut in. She doesn’t know what’s happened though.
Cas nodded. Good.
Yeah, I think so too. He warily looked Cas in the eye. Look, Cas, I told John
that you and I… That it’s not just sex… he swallowed again when Cas just looked
at him. You were right Cas, he did say he’d back down.
Cas nodded again. I know, I’ve been getting texts from him too. He plucked up
his phone. And from Mary, just the one though, wondering what had happened. He
looked pointedly at Dean. I didn’t tell her anything either. He scrolled down
in the list of texts and Dean was embarrassed to see how many of them were from
him. ‘Cas, do you know what’s going on?’ He read. ‘I had to stitch John up
after he and Dean ended up in a fight and Dean won’t talk to me’. He continued
scrolling the list. I just told her I didn’t know and asked her to keep me
posted. I got texts from Sammy as well, just three but… Cas squinted until he
found them. ‘What’s going on Uncle Cas?’ he read out loud again. ‘Dad and Dean
won’t stop fighting. They stopped physically when mom started crying but now
all they do is shout about nonsense’, and then one later in the week: ‘I don't
know what Dean did Uncle Cas but I think you’d better forgive him, I’ve never
seen him cry like this before’, and last: ‘No chick flick moments, alright, but
I know Dean loves you, please forgive him’.
Dean flushed red all the way to his ears. I didn't know he saw. He mumbled to
the floor, not daring to look at Cas.
Cas actually chuckled a little. Perceptive little man, isn’t he? he said and
Dean looked up, holding his breath when Cas put the phone down and turned
around to fuss with some papers. I’m not happy about you and John hurting each
other and it’s even worse that Mary got in-between but it doesn’t matter
anymore; it all ends now.
Dean felt all color drain from his face. Wha-what?
Cas leaned against the counter, laying the papers out for Dean to see but he
hardly looked at them. I’ve asked Nora to transfer me to LA, permanently. And
I’ve cancelled the contract on this apartment. It doesn’t end until after the
summer, though, so that leaves plenty of time to—
No! Dean leaped forward when Cas looked surprised at him. No, you can’t leave
me. Please Castiel, you-you’re everything to me. I can’t lose you. He grabbed
Cas’ upper arms and crowded him against the counter. I know I fucked up but…
You said you’re mine. He whispered softly and Cas was staring at him
confusedly.
For a heart-clenching second Dean thought Cas would push him away but then he
placed his hands on either side of Dean’s face.
I am Dean. I am yours. He said gently, his voice the most soothing sound Dean
had ever heard. I’m taking you with me to LA.
You… You are? Dean asked dumbly but thoroughly confused.
Cas suddenly looked uncertain. Unless… he bit his plump lower lip. Unless you’d
rather not? I just meant… No one knows us in LA. We could be a real couple and
we wouldn’t have to hide. I thought we’d be better off on our own. And John
needs to let go and me being here will never make that happen, I’ve realized
that now. Gods help me, it took me eighteen years but I’ve finally realized it
now. He is not strong; I need to be strong for him. He looked down at Dean’s
trembling lips and gently stroked his thumbs against Dean’s temples. And you’ll
be finished with high school in about a month anyway. You’ve always said that
you don’t count on continuing on to college but if you want to I think my
wage’ll be enough to cover our living arrangements. I don’t want to stand in
your way, I just want you, I… I mean, unless…
Dean kissed him. He couldn’t think of a better way to shut him up.
Fucking yes Cas. He mumbled against Cas’ pliant lips. I’ll follow you to the
end of the world.
Your friends—
Dean cut him off with another kiss. I’ll see them whenever.
We’ll still come home for birthdays and holidays. Castiel supplied between nips
and licks and Dean nodded.
Obviously.
Dean. Castiel moaned when Dean continued kissing him and Dean lifted him up on
the counter to slot himself between his legs, feeling relief more than anything
else when he felt Cas’ obvious hard-on pressing against him.
Love you so fucking much Cas. He growled and Cas shivered against him.
Me too, always.
Always.
Cas was solid and warm and his, utterly his. The feeling made Dean’s head swim.
He pressed his lover to him and when Cas wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist,
Dean plucked him right of the counter and carried him into their bedroom. His,
forever and for always. Fucking finally.


Chapter End Notes
     Thank you so much for kudos, bookmarks, comments and for reading ‘til
     the end!
     You guys are honey for my soul!
***** extras *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes


                   *** Now when you see me I’m stunning ***


Guess this is good-bye for now son.
Guess so John.
You take care… of him.
I will.
Because he deserves to be loved. Deserves much better than what I ever gave
him.
I know.
 
*****
 
You be good now Dean, don't cause Uncle Cas too much trouble.
I won’t.
You can always come home.
You do know I want this?
Of course.
Stop fussing with my hair.
Oh my little boy, all grown up.
Mom…
 
*****
 
I’m… I’m happy for you Cas.
Are you John? Truly?
I just… Why do you have to leave me again?
It was you who left me the first time, now it’s my turn.
Only because you made me.
John, I said this to you eighteen years ago and I will only say it one more
time: you need to own up to your decisions and accept the consequences of your
actions.
I… Yes.
I’ll see you at Thanksgiving John.
 
*****
 
Can’t really believe dad gave you the Impala, I mean, after everything.
Guess he sees it as a kind of payment, you know. For not saying anything to
mom.
I suppose.
Are you gonna be okay without your cool older brother around Sammy?
’Course. I’m gonna be going to Stanford when the time comes you know.
I know, you’re like the smartest person I know.
And it’s super close to LA.
That’s definitely a plus.
Dean, I’m happy you and Cas found each other.
Me too Sammy, me too.
 
*****
 
You better not be lying about coming home for the holidays this time Cas.
I’m not Mary.
’Cuz now you have Dean there with you too, I want my baby boy home for the
biggies.
I’m not abducting him.
Don’t you laugh at me.
No ma’am.
Now give me a hug good-bye and don't forget to call when you get there.
Of course.
Driving there, you morons.
You know Dean don’t fly.
You’re still a moron.
Yes ma’am.
 
*****
 
So, staying in LA with your uncle?
Yeah.
’Bout time you two finally bumped uglies.
Gabe!
What, Jo? I’ve been dying to tell him for years.
Yes, well, thank you for your support Gabe.
Well, I think it’s beautiful, everyone can see you’re a match made in the
heavens.
Ugh, chick flick.
Don’t talk in each other’s mouths, it’s creepy.
 
*****
 
She does purr wonderfully.
Doesn’t she? I asked Uncle Bobby to tune her up. This is her first long drive
in a while.
Smart move.
Hey, are you falling asleep on me already?
I’m tired.
You’re old.
You know you love me anyway.
With those baby blues, how could I not?
Precisely. Now let me sleep.
...
…
Cas?
Yes Dean?
Thank you.
For what?
Loving me back.
Of course Dean.
…No homo.
Shut your face.


Chapter End Notes
     I really like this ending but I couldn’t very well leave it without
     some more sexy times! I did, however, choose to post the epilogue
     chapter containing nothing but pure unbridled smut as a separate one-
     shot. You know, for all those out there who don't feel like reading
     this monstrosity first...
     It’ll be up shortly, hope y’all will enjoy it!
     -xoxo
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