Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1392688.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M, Other
  Fandom:
      Free!
  Relationship:
      Matsuoka_Rin/Nanase_Haruka
  Character:
      Matsuoka_Rin, Nanase_Haruka
  Additional Tags:
      Transgender, Trans_Male_Character, Puberty_Sucks, Rin's_Anxiety,
      Australia_is_Bad_for_your_Health, Getting_Together_After_Time
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-04-01 Words: 7907
****** Reaching Past the Wall ******
by tenser
Summary
     Rin didn't just have a girly name. Rin was born a girl.
Notes
     Thank you to Amberemerald for the beta(s)!
     This began with a character study of trans*Rin and evolved to become
     a RinHaru fic. There is some underage sexual contact but the real
     stuff comes later :D
There's that moment, that transition, in a relay race that seems to last
forever. You give it your all and reach to touch the wall so that the next
phase can start.
Rin eagerly watched the transition between Makoto and Nagisa, then felt the
rippling power of the changeover himself as Nagisa extended his final stroke –
an energy he passed to Haru with a hitch of his hips and the slam of his
fingers against the wall. He was pretty excited about the way their relay was
shaping up. He had transferred to Iwatobi Swim Club with the hope of this relay
going all the way to the top of the elementary school division and he saw it
happening before his eyes. Nagisa tended to have rough exchanges with him, but
they'd worked to smooth out the transition. Everyone was fast, especially Haru.
When Haru glided into the wall, Rin congratulated him on their time. Haru just
sort of looked away unconcerned, but that didn't bother Rin. Despite, or maybe
because of their obvious personality differences, Rin liked Haru a lot. Rin was
bubbly and Haru was dour but that was okay.
Time trials marked the end of practice, so with that done, the boys headed to
the locker room. Iwatobi wasn't a big swim club, and it was the end of the
season, so there weren't a lot of other kids.
"Our time was really good today!” Nagisa chirped as they turned on the hot flow
of the showers.
“Yeah!” Rin agreed. He liked Nagisa's enthusiasm, even if the way the younger
swimmer clung to them like a little brother was a little weird. “Your exchange
still needs work but we're getting there. We're going to be the best.”
“I wonder if Haru's going to come join us?” Mako wondered, looking longingly at
the locker room exit to the pool. Mako was always centered on Haru like that.
That fawning was another thing Rin didn't understand – Haru was fine if you
just let him be; he didn't see why Mako was always concerned. But even so, he
admired Mako's fierce loyalty.
“He'll come soon,” Rin reassured Mako. “Hey, Nagisa, did you ask if you can
wear your fifth grade suit for the competition or if you have to wear the sixth
grade one?”
“I dunno,” Nagisa frowned, looking down at the teal speedo, unlike the older
kids’ trunks, adorning his hips. “I didn't ask yet. But it'll be okay, right?”
“That's why Rin said to ask,” Mako chided.
"But I don't know if they'll fit.” Nagisa suddenly tugged on the fabric of
Mako's teal swimsuit, pulling it down to look for the tag for size, but also
exposing the older boy's butt.
“H-Hey!” Mako shouted.
Rin watched riveted as Nagisa grinned mischievously and tugged with a
vengeance; the suit plopped to his ankles and Mako spun around to grab Nagisa's
hands in furious embarrassment. His hand barely concealed the bits he was
trying to hide.
Oh, so he's normal.
Rin's heart sank just a little with that thought.
Nagisa, meanwhile, was exposed now thanks to Mako's clumsy attempts to grab
Nagisa's hands and push him away.
Nagisa's normal too.
Haru entered the shower room, shaking cool, chlorinated water from his dark
hair. He chose the shower next to Mako, paying no attention to the increasingly
nude shenanigans next to him. Nagisa wasn't about to let that stand.
“Haru, you never take off your suit! But look, we're all taking off our suits
today. C'mon!”
Haru glanced at Rin's clothed crotch, then answered Nagisa. “It's too much
effort.”
While Nagisa continued to cajole Haru in a way the younger swimmer had only
been comfortable doing recently, Rin breathed a sigh of relief. If Haru kept
his trunks on, Rin wouldn't look like the odd one out. If there was one thing
he wouldn't do, it would be taking his swimsuit off in public.
“Why didn't you take yours off?” Haru stated flatly, barely concealing an
obvious interest. Rin felt Haru's eyes on him, and unconsciously glanced down
to the swimsuit covering a second, inner suit specially manufactured to create
a boyish bulge. Haru's eyes followed his, and Rin grew exceptionally warm in
the tips of his ears.
“'Cause I'm the leader!” He said with a grin. “The leader doesn't have to! Just
all you lackeys.” That comment definitely did not inspire Haru to take off his
swimsuit.
Although later in the locker room when the other three were joking around, Haru
failed to cover himself with a towel and Rin saw that Haru, too, was normal.
He kind of wished he hadn't seen, so he could perpetuate the fantasy that he
and Haru were alike. After all, the whole relay team had girly names like him.
He'd really hoped they'd be like him and have a smooth, flat plane and strange
dip inside their swimsuits. But they didn't — only Rin had been born a girl.
Still, seeing Haru's parts sparked something in Rin that, though confusing,
wasn't entirely unpleasant.
 
***
 
When Rin got home, he was accosted by Gou's big smile. That was probably a bad
thing, since she was pretty sweet for a little sister but she was still a baby,
and a girl. She got weird ideas about stuff.
“Welcome back, big brother,” she said.
“Hey, runt,” Rin greeted. He ruffled her hair and gave her a hug before
shedding his swim bag and sweaty tennis shoes.
“We got a package from Auntie,” Gou announced. “The one who lives in Hokkaido.”
Rin's grin matched his little sister's as they stormed into the living room and
undid the brown wrapping and tape of the large box. His stomach was grumbling,
but the prospect of a gift from an aunt they rarely heard from who lived in an
exotic place was too great a temptation.
They separated two boxes, one with the label “Gou” and another with “Rin.”
While Gou struggled with a pair of scissors to open hers, Rin sliced the edge
with a sharp incisor and lifted the lid.
“Hey, Gou, she mixed up the labels. This one's yours.” He handed her the box
with a girl's kimono in it and took her shoddily unwrapped one. But when he
sliced that one open, it had a girl's kimono, too.
“That's weird, they're both girl kimonos...”
Rin fumbled through the remains of the packaging, a slight sinking feeling
weighing in his stomach. But there were no other presents. Just a card that
read: “After Great Aunt passed away, found these at the estate and immediately
thought of you girls. Love, Your Aunt.”
At that moment, Rin's mother walked in the door, home from work.
“Mom!” Gou shouted and ran over to hug her. “We got presents from Auntie!”
“Did you?” Rin admired how his mom was so nice to Gou but also kept her in
line. She was a mom though, that was like her job.
“But she sent two girl kimonos! She didn't send anything for Rin. Can I keep
them both?”
Rin's mom's eyes instantly shot to her son.
She spoke sweetly to Gou, “Of course, sweetie. Your Aunt must have meant for
you to grow into one of them. How about you take them to your room.”
 After excusing Gou, his mother came and sat next to him.
 “Rin, do you feel okay? Are you down about the kimono?”
“I'm fine,” Rin nodded. Already thoughts about the relay were crowding out
thoughts of a distant aunt who didn't know she had a nephew. But the sting
lingered.
 “Since we moved at the start of elementary school so you could be yourself, I
know it hasn't been much of a problem for you anymore, but some of our
relatives don't know you're a boy.”
“It's okay,” Rin said. It was hard to listen to his mom talk about that stuff,
even harder to talk about it himself. The sting spread.
"Well, now that we're talking about it... I know you and Gou don't go to the
therapist you saw after Dad anymore, but I've been doing some research lately
and I think there's a new doctor you should start to see soon. An
endocrinologist can help you through the changes that are about to happen to
your body." 
He didn't like talking about thatpart of his body. But today, the thought of
bodies in general just directed him back to seeing his friends naked. And that
was a pleasant, shivery thought.
“Gotta do homework!” Rin shouted and escaped.
 
***
 
But there was no escape from the growing tingling he felt whenever Haru was
around, and that reached a head after the relay.

The laughter and high spirits from victory sailed with Rin, propelling him to
follow Haru all the way home after Coach Sasabe bought everyone ice cream, even
after they'd dropped off Mako to smiling parents.
Suddenly, on the stairs, Haru abruptly stopped and turned directions.
“Hey, Nanase – where are you going?”
“I want to swim.”
“But we were just swimming, wait, do you mean back at the school?”
Apparently, Haru did mean that, which is how Rin found himself wet and worn
out, collapsed on a pool deck in the fading blue light of an early summer
sunset. The warm air wafted languidly over his body, and he breathed in
chlorine-tinted air through his open mouth. Far up above, the first stars were
piercing the soft silk of twilight. Looking up was like peering into the depths
of the ocean. It was an awesome, lonely sight.
I won't even see the same stars once I'm in Australia.
He sucked in a breath, his chest tightening.
Wet droplets across Rin's side and the sound of flesh on cement announced
Haru's arrival. His breath was rough too, and Rin listened to its raspy echo
smooth out as Haru laid resting. With Haru, space expanded, and Rin felt safe
in dark recesses he could never reach on his own.
“We did great in the relay today.”
Haru nodded.
“It really turned out great. Sorry for waiting so long to tell you about my
father's dream. Hey, can I tell you another secret?”
Haru shifted, and Rin pushed himself up to his elbows.
It was on the tip of his tongue, Hey I was born with this girl's body and I
really want you to know for some reason – “Hey, you know I thought you might be
like me.”
“We're not the same,” Haru said quickly.
“I'm not a sourpuss like you,” Rin said with a grin, poking Haru in the chest.
Haru frowned, and Rin couldn't resist the urge to jump on him and try to tickle
his antisocial friend into laughing.
The ensuing struggle had them rolling around until Rin had Haru pinned under
him, their chests flush. Rin grinned, and Haru pouted. Rin skittered his
fingers down Haru's side and then Haru grimaced. It wasn't a laugh, but he'd
take it. Once it became clear that Haru wasn't going to break, Rin gave up and
relaxed against Haru.
Suddenly he was hyper aware of the proximity of their groins. That warm mound
of Haru's was pressed not against Rin's swimming bulge, but the dip underneath
it. He shifted his hips, squeezing around Haru's leg and was surprised with a
burst of fireworks between his groin. Rin jerked, certain that something
incredibly weird had happened.
Instead of recoiling, or frowning, Haru blushed and put a hand around Rin's
back. It was comforting and a challenge all at the same time. Rin squeezed his
hips again, was filled with heat again, and kept doing it.
Rin didn't often think – tried NOT to think – about thoseparts. Those parts on
him were wrong. They were the girl parts. But maybe Haru, who wasn't even like
him, didn't care that they were wrong. After all, Haru didn't care about a lot
of the things normal people cared about. Maybe it wasn't wrong if he let Haru
feel them.
He dug his face into the space between Haru's neck and shoulder, and rolled his
hips back and forth over Haru's crotch. It felt so good to feel something down
there, even if it was totally wrong. Doing it with Haru, at least, felt right.
There was no climax, no moment, nothing like that. At a certain point, they
just stopped moving against each other, got up, and Rin smiled.
He waved goodbye to Haru and then, as planned, got on a flight the next day for
Australia.
 
***
 
In retrospect, going to Australia was a very stupid plan. The onset of puberty
was a disastrous time for anyone, let alone a trans kid starting boarding
school in a foreign country. But he thought it would be fine moving to
Australia – that he'd keep improving and that he could make new friends just as
easily as he'd befriended Haruka, Makoto, and Nagisa.
At first Rin's times improved week after week. But because the other kids were
mostly bigger and stronger than him, the times that he'd thought were so good
meant nothing. Rin's times plateaued while the other kids improved more, got
stronger, got bigger.
Worse, the feelings that Haru had sparked bled onto other kids on the team, and
Rin longed to roll against them and feel that pleasure and openness he'd felt
with Haru. But as much as he wanted that, there wasn't anyone like Haruka or
Makoto or Nagisa. No one even gave him the time of day.
One afternoon, after a particularly lackluster practice during which all the
kids in his lane passed him, he climbed out of the pool utterly defeated. He
dragged himself into the showers and took the one at the end. Just months ago
he'd been showering and goofing off with the Iwatobi boys. Now he was alone.
As he squirted shampoo into his hair, the sudsy lather hid the other boys from
sight. Their excited voices started to blur, the strange syntax of English
isolating him further. These were the boys that had passed him in the pool, and
now he was nobody to them. This was nothing like Iwatobi or Sano. He was
invisible.
Suddenly his eyes stung with shampoo that he'd let drift down in his face.
Tears hotter than the cascade of water from the shower welled up as sheer
alienation seized him. His chest hurt, and he gave a loud sob.
The other boys who hadn't given him a second glance earlier turned to look. One
of the bigger boys, with floppy sandy hair like Makoto, sniggered and then
turned back to his friends.
“Look, the Japanese kid's crying.”
“Bet he misses his mommy. Sissy.”
“Is he even on the team? I've never seen him.”
Their careless words lacerated the last of his dignity, and he started crying
for real. He tried to hide uncontrollable sobs behind crossed arms to no avail,
then grabbed for his shampoo and conditioner and ran into the locker room.
Their words followed him as he threw on clothes.
“Oh damn, he really was crying!”
“Hey, don't make fun of the puny kid. He's probably trying as hard as he can.
He's just not good.”
Rin just broke.He collapsed under the weight of their words in a corner of the
locker room and cried into his towel.
The absolute shame and guilt exited his body in burning tears. Shame at being
called weak, which he was, and guilt at betraying himself and his father's
dream. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to piece together what he was
doing wrong. The tears pooled in his collarbone before sliding down his chest,
and sudden horror dawned on Rin as he realized the source of his failure.
He was becoming a girl. He'd let those parts take over and now he was going to
become a girl. He was already cryinglike one.
Panic crawled into the cracks etched by sorrow. He suddenly went cold. If those
boys had looked closer in the shower, they would have seen a girl, he was sure
of it. It was only the steam that had saved him. If they saw him now...
Terrified, he bolted for the dorms. Unable to face the world, he dove into his
bed and stayed there until his tears dried and he was starting to feel a little
foolish for thinking that the other boys would have mistaken him for a girl.
And yet, he couldn't help wondering if maybe, maybe he'd hit on the source of
the problem.
Rin extricated himself from his bed and took off his shirt. His body was a slim
coil of muscle, and for a second staring at the familiar contours of his body
calmed him. Then, gathering his courage, he poked at his chest, right above the
nipple. It felt soft.
Horrified, he started shaking. It was soft, it was soft.He was right. He was
already becoming a girl, and he was getting breasts. He was absolutely doomed.
 
***
 
Rin pretended to be sick the next day, and went to the doctor. After the
friendly man examined him and failed to see any of the “flu” symptoms, he asked
Rin if anything was bothering him.
“I'm getting fat,” Rin managed. For a second he even believed himself. If he
just ate a diet with more meat and less bread and candy he would slim down in
the chest and never become a girl.
The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Your BMI is perfectly normal. What makes you
think you're fat?”
“My...pecsare getting fat,” Rin said, pointing at the offending body region.
The doctor looked alarmed now. “Have you found a lump?”
“Yeah...” Rin said. Which then led to the doctor feeling Rin's chest through
the hospital gown and finding nothing.
“Well, you seem perfectly healthy. Next time you want to skip school, at least
try to get a little cough first,” the doctor said.
 
***
 
Rin's fear failed to abate. He turned to the one source of comfort he could
think of.
“Mom, I'm growing boobs!” he called frantically. She had him take a picture of
his chest and she brought it to an endocrinologist.
“Honey, you're not going through puberty yet. At Christmas, we'll go to the
doctor to make sure. There's something that they can do – when I talked to the
endocrinologist before and he said there are drugs called puberty blockers.
They're for boys like you.”
“But I have to do something now!” Rin sobbed.
“I know, honey. But there's nothing wrong with your body right now. If you can
just wait until Christmas we'll put you on drugs that will stop puberty from
coming. You won't grow breasts or get fat on your hips because they'll block
the hormones. You can even get them covered under insurance in Australia.”
Christmas was months away when Rin got the news. The next several months were
some of the worst of his life. He couldn't think of anything but monitoring his
chest, and worrying that everyone looked at him and saw a girl. It was still
slightly better than being invisible; he became obsessed with not being seen.
He slumped whenever possible, and got out of the pool as fast as possible to
hide his offending chest. He wore his baggiest clothes. His times stagnated
further. And he called his mother every week with increasingly hysterical
claims of breast growth.
“I looked at the picture you sent and everything looks the same. I've already
set up an appointment for a regular visit. You'll be able to start once you go
back to Sydney after Christmas.”
By the time Christmas came, Rin was a homesick, neurotic mess. It was a relief
to wear heavy winter clothes again, to hide what he felt was his massively
swollen chest.
As fate would have it, he immediately ran into Haru.
In the white light of winter, Haru looked alien too, nothing like the owner of
the warm body that had distracted Rin that summer night. Perfect Haruka,
looking innocent and pure as they stood separated by the divide of train
tracks. Rin could only see himself in contrast to Haru now—weak, knowing too
much, worried. Perfect, normal Haru probably had perfect times in the pool too,
and that was what Rin ultimately fixated on.
Rin thought if he beat Haru, he'd know that his body wasn't getting weaker.
He'd know that Haru's body didn't have power over him.

But he lost.
The part of him that said it had been a choice to be invisible and like a girl
fell silent. The part of him that drove the fear and self-loathing won. He was
really worth nothing. It was almost freeing.
In the hallway of the old swim club, Haru tried to stop him from running off,
tried to tell him that he missed him, but what could Haru possibly understand
about what was going on?
As soon as he got back to Australia, Rin begged the doctor to skip puberty
blockers and put him on testosterone immediately.
 
***
 
In the end, he did take puberty blockers first. Puberty was just starting to
hit, just as the doctor said. Once he was on the puberty blockers, the relief
gave him space to right himself and build his times up. On the puberty
blockers, he started to feel more like the Rin who'd assembled a top relay team
out of sheer willpower. He got the courage to stop thinking about his rough
start and even made a friend or two. He didn't even have to mull over Haru.
Things were kind of okay for a while.
And then T happened and he exploded.
One of the not-so-great things about testosterone was that it encouraged Rin to
vent his insecurity as anger. He did some dumb stuff in those years: Filed his
teeth when his friends told him he couldn't let things go, just like a shark.
It was kind of a dare, but Rin couldn't back down from a challenge.
He beat up some of the other swimmers who messed with him.
He rolled his eyes at all the stupid girl things his sister talked about during
their increasingly infrequent phone calls.
He got a sex drive like crazy, and while that put him on the same page as the
other horny teenagers around him, he was 100% never going to fuck any of them
and have to deal with that.Once he figured out was sex was – cisgender sex at
least – he scoffed at his preteen ideas of rolling around over a hard dick. He
didn't have any problem talking about hot girls like everyone else, although he
usually masked his embarrassment and boredom at some point by leaving to swim
or by punching someone.
It did mean, though, that he spent a lot of alone time in the showers or dorm,
a habit that stayed with him long after even though he was no longer using that
time to jerk off.
Despite the anger and its damage, Rin was pleased with the results of T. His
body filled out into a man's body. The hormones had a lot to do with erasing
the traces of femininity that had trailed in his features since childhood. On
top of that, he trained harder and longer than anyone, paranoid that any lack
of vigilance would allow estrogen and fat to creep in and deform everything
he'd worked toward.
His voice changed, and he reached his adult height. Never big – he'd never be
imposing – but damn it if he didn't have layers of sinewy muscles tighter than
fishing line. With that body, the self-confidence the dysphoria had scattered
to the corners of his psyche started to re-assemble.
But as far as competition went, he still wasn't where he wanted to be. He
racked up a lot of 4th and 5th place ribbons, but it wasn't good enough. His
father's dream called for him to be a champion.
And then, after four years of hell, Rin's mother called him home. She was
earning enough to buy Rin's T and she was lonely with Gou starting high school.
She located a good swimming school, Samezuka, for him. Wounded and exhausted,
he limped back to where home was supposed to be.
 
***
 
It pained him to see his naïve old friends. It was like they'd been in a time
capsule and he'd returned to find them intact and unchanged. If he'd had a
choice, he would have ignored them completely. If he hadn't really understood
them as people during that elementary school relay, he sure as hell wouldn't
after Australia.
He intended to snub them - until he saw Haru.
Haruka had become beautiful. Drop-dead gorgeous with his slick, dark hair and
devastatingly fine facial features. The moment they'd seen each other in the
derelict swim club, a potent mix of hormones and rage blazed to life inside
Rin. And for the first time, he saw a similar angry anguish reflected in Haru's
eyes. As they ran toward the empty pool, Rin questioned again if maybe he and
Haru were alike.
But then, like a mirage, that fiery Haru immediately retracted into a cocoon of
complacency after the chance meeting. When they actually raced later, Rin
realized that gorgeous body had no power in it. Haru's eyes were dull and it
was obvious he was as miserable as Rin had felt for four years.That pissed Rin
off. Seriously pissed him off. Haru, with his friends and his great body, had
no right to waste his talent moping. Not when Rin was trying so hard.
And so Rin did the only thing he knew how to do in the face of frustration. He
tried harder. Swam harder, cared more, and dragged everyone into his personal
problems until the debacle of regionals was over and he'd both won a race and
burned away the film that had obscured Haruka's shine.
Getting closer to Haru washed away his shoddily constructed walls too, clearing
away their sharp and haphazard edges. In that clean space, surprisingly, there
was an ache to touch Haru again. The longing grew stronger each time he reached
out to him. And so he spent more time at Iwatobi, acclimating to his new-old
friends.
It wasn't one sided. Haru cast him glances when he thought Rin wasn't looking,
or maybe when he knew that no one else but them was looking. He listened and
stared when Rin spoke, a jarring comparison to how he'd felt like he had to
growl to be heard every day in Australia. Haru even exchanged phone numbers
with him. But then again, it was Haru, and Rin could never tell where he stood.
Not to mention he was pretty sure he knew where he wanted things to go, and
that meant opening himself up to Haru's rejection. It meant putting his body in
sexual context and being rejected if Haru wasn't gay...and possibly if he
was.But Rin never was very good at holding back his feelings.
 
***
 
Everyone knew Nagisa was the brains of the operation. So it was fortunate that
after all this time, Nagisa was still on Rin's side.
“Rei-chan, Mako-chan, let's go!” Nagisa twittered. “You have to help me with
the club uniform catalog!”
“B-but...” Mako protested, his body pathetically twisted towards Haru as Nagisa
dragged him along. “But shouldn't Haru come too?”
“You're club president, that's why it has to be you!” Nagisa said.
“But then why me too?” Rei asked.
“Because I said so!”
“That's not a reason!”
“Hmm, well, then because you'll pick out the most beautiful one!”
Haru and Rin stood silently, watching the crazy train fade into the distance.
“Let's go,” Rin said, flinging his bag over his shoulder and heading in the
direction of the train tracks that led to Samezuka.
When Haru stood torn, Rin hissed and grabbed his hand. That got Haru to trot
along beside him. Haru's hand was warm, and above all it was Haru's.
“Let go,” Haru said. “It's a pain matching pace with you.”
“No,” Rin said. He gripped tighter. Haru stopped.
“This is embarrassing.”
Rin shook off his hand. “It's embarrassing? Way to make a guy feel like taking
a risk, Haru.”
Haru's head shot up. The meaning behind Rin's words was clear to him. A faint
blush started to color his cheeks before he turned awkwardly to the side.
Rin ran his hand through his hair, feeling equally awkward. When Haru didn't
move, he started to get pissed again. He walked over and grabbed Haru's collar.
“Say something.”
Haru met his eyes for a second, then turned away, his blush more furious.
“It...”
“What.”
“It's embarrassing.”
Rin growled and his fingers clenched, a tide of testosterone making his blood
boil quickly. He pushed Haru against a tree. Focused on his turbulent emotions,
he almost didn't feel the gentle caress of Haru's hand on his wrist; but once
he did, the tension in his arms went slack. Haru expanded the touch, sliding
along Rin's exposed forearm and then along his clothed collarbone.
Without explanation, Rin pulled them out of the road, to the other side of the
tree, and put his arms around Haru. With no place left to look, Rin’s eyes met
the half-lidded dark pools of Haru's eyes. He couldn't help leaning in and
kissing Haru's lips.
Haru's hand nestled into Rin's shirt and pulled insistently. Rin responded by
deepening the kiss, and drove the point home by aggressively using his tongue.
When their lips parted, Rin squeezed Haru in his arms, and Haru's hands
encircled his back. They stood trembling like that for a while.
 
***
The second time they kissed was fueled by frustration. Haru had seemed to avoid
Rin's calls, texting back only for every third time Rin did. Finally he got fed
up and punched the numbers of Haru's home phone.
“Is this seriously how Mako lets you treat him?!” Rin raged.
“Makoto doesn't text like you do.”
“What's that supposed to mean?!” Rin felt a headache coming on.
“...”
“Answer me, Haru!”
“I'm trying, but you won't shut up.”
The retort died in Rin's throat as the meaning of Haru's words hit him. Haru
was taking so long not because he didn't care but because he cared too much.
Well, that was great and all, but Rin was still frustrated.
“Don't leave your house,” Rin said, hanging up.
Of course, when Rin shoved open the door to the Nanase household – seriously,
the way Haru left the back door open was just asking to get robbed – Haru was
there. In the bathtub, suited up like he'd just been transported from a race to
a fish tank.
Even in his anger, Rin was in awe of Haru's beauty. No insult to Rin himself;
he knew that if he lounged like that in a bathtub, his firm, ripped arms would
look just as nice draped over a porcelain frame. And with their swimsuits on,
no one would ever guess his cock was actually quite small.
While anger and desire fought in Rin's gut, fear won out.
“Hurry up with your stupid bath. I'll be waiting in the living room,” he
growled, slamming the door shut.
Not more than three (excruciating) minutes later, Haru appeared in the doorway,
fully dressed in a polo shirt and slacks, tossing his dark hair off his serene
face.
Rin realized his glare might have been a little sharp when Haru suddenly
stalled upon entering. But, as always, Rin's sharp edges didn't faze Haru for
long, and he came and sat next to him. That was fine: Haru's slippery edges
never fazed Rin that long either.
“Rin.”
“Yeah?”
“Are you going to stay tonight?”
“What?!” Rin literally jumped.
Haru fixed him with a serious look. “I thought that's why you came over.”
No breath – it had all died in his lungs. His eyes must have been white
expanses. Haru's tone indicated that he wantedRin to stay over.
“Yeah, okay,” he managed quietly.
Haru closed the distance between them, straining uncomfortably to lean over Rin
and press their mouths together. The touch was electric, overloading Rin's
nerves with adrenaline and pleasure. Haru pressed on, settling between Rin's
legs as the redhead laid back.
Maybe they should have done this months ago, Rin thought, because Haru was
perfectly good at communicating physically. With their tongues laced in a
slippery mess, Rin could tell Haru really liked him.
Spurred on by swelling cock and nipples, Rin arched against Haru. Haru pushed
back, and that alone brought him to a fully aroused state. He pushed up Haru's
shirt, and his own ended up around his armpits. He got more aggressive,
grasping at Haru's strong shoulder and nipping at his chest with sharp bites.
Haru gasped, and Rin grinned into the reddened flesh.
He worked his way down Haru's chest, scooting along the floor while Haru
remained on all fours above him. When he reached the ridge of Haru's blue
slacks, no sooner had he worked the top button out of the way than Haru tugged
his hair.
“Stop.”
“What?” Rin teased, unzipping the fly. The heat from Haru's dick pulsed off in
waves. It even smelled hot. Haru pulled harder, making Rin snarl.
“Okay, what?!”
“Don't.”
“You don't want me to blow you?” Rin asked.
“No. Your teeth will hurt.”
Rin glanced away awkwardly. “Fine. I'll just use my hands. Lay down.”
Haru rolled to the ground, hands nervously at his sides. It wasn't a look Rin
was too keen on. He bent in for a kiss, working Haru's mouth until he felt the
other boy's hands feeling up his sides. Encouraged by that and the flush on
Haru's face, he entered his pants again, this time with his hands.
The exquisiteness of Haru's cock made Rin insanely jealous and also
ridiculously turned on at the same time. It was hefty but streamlined, and
fully erect as it was he could see the veins straining against the stretched
sides. This was the dream cock that he'd thought about and longed for for so
many years. He'd have preferred it on himself, but on Haru was a close second.
Haru shifted as Rin began stroking him. Gently, he wasn't really sure how to go
about touching a cock so much bigger than his. He wrapped his fingers around it
and pumped. Haru winced; he gave up the death grip and ran his fingers more
lightly.
“Rin,” Haru whispered, arching and hiding his face against his hand. Rin's
heart soared and he pressed kisses into Haru's hipbone. Rin actually gasped
when after a little more caressing, Haru's cock twitched, and cum suddenly
poured out the slit. He squeezed the head, dirtying his palm with white liquid.
Haru moaned with a passion Rin had never heard.
“Fuck,” Rin cursed. He'd just participated in nothing less than a miracle –
making Haru come – and he was trembling. The creamy proof on his fingers
mesmerized him.
He pressed himself against Haru, his cum-stained hand held like a chalice above
them. Haru nuzzled against him, his efficient athlete's heart quickly coming
down from its peak.
Haru fell asleep; despite being desperately turned on and crusty-handed, so did
Rin.
 
***
 
They were busy boys, Rin more so than Haru. Seeing Haru the week following the
handjob was out of the question, but when Rin found himself back at Haru's two
weeks later, there was a new problem.
He'd gone back and forth about wearing his usual packer or walking over with a
boner wedged into his boxer briefs. After the wavering, he'd tossed his
erection back in the drawer and just worn the packer. He'd thought he'd get
away with just jacking Haru off again, but Haru clearly had other ideas.
“Hey,” Rin warned as Haru dipped three fingers under the rim of his pants. Rin
was sitting in a chair with Haru draped over his lower half, face turned to his
crotch.
Haru stopped.
“I don't want you to suck me off either,” Rin lied, because yeah, a blowjob
sounded like a pretty good thing to happen in life. “Not until you let me do
you.”
Haru's eyes narrowed. “Okay.”
For a second, Rin thought Haru was getting up to offer his own boner to suck,
but instead he climbed into Rin's lap.
“Shit,” Rin swore around Haru's kisses. He could feel Haru's cock straining at
his school pants, and goddammit he was going to go crazy if this didn't go
farther.
“G-get off,” Rin said. “Gotta piss.”
In the bathroom he tore off his packer, then actually did piss for good
measure, and then went out feeling naked as fuck even though he was still fully
clothed.
Apparently bodies of water weren't the only thing Haru stripped for, because he
was naked and on the bed when Rin came back.
Mustering his courage, Rin climbed on Haru like a starving man, gnawing his way
down Haru's neck as his unlucky lover desperately tried to rid Rin of his
clothes. Rin leaned back and stripped his shirt off.
Haru chose that moment to reach into Rin's pants and go for the gold.
Haru's fist came up wanting, and he frowned. From that motion, though, Rin
moaned. It was the first time anyone had touched him down there. Haru groped a
bit, looking for flesh to grasp and when he did find stiff flesh, stroked it.
Rin whined, the sensation electric and overwhelming. His hips jumped and he
squeezed his thighs around Haru. When Haru's thumb rubbed methodically against
his cock, he moaned, tears coming to his eyes.
“Fuck Haru,” Rin started babbling. “Wanna fuck you so bad, oh fuck me, shit.”
 When Rin came, he shuddered heavily as he bucked into Haru's waiting fingers.
Nothing came out with his orgasm, but it left Rin equally as spent as Haru had
been the week before. He bent over Haru, panting.
He heard a lick of inspection; Haru tasting Rin on his fingers.
“Rin, have you always been a girl?”
“No. Not even before I left for Australia,” Rin said firmly. “So not
even...then.” And then he couldn't contain the sharp retort. “What, do I seem
like a girl to you?”
“No. You never did.”
“That's right. And I'm going to fuck the shit out of you next time when I bring
my boner, okay?”
“Okay. I'd like that.”
“I wanna blow you too.”
 “No.”
 
***
 
Rin was true to his word. Black strap-on harness situated on his hips and his
cock firmly locked in, Rin stared down the bed at Haru. Wordlessly, he grabbed
the newly-purchased lube and slicked up his length.
Haru panted on the bed, his legs still spread from where Rin had spent a
blissful half hour stretching his hole. The lube bottle was already half empty
and the sheets were a smeared mess. Because he'd been so thorough, Haru's hole
was flush and peeking open.
“Rin, hurry up,” Haru complained.
“Yeah,” Rin said, positioning himself between Haru's legs. His cock nudged the
pucker of Haru's hole and it tightened. Rin stuck a finger in, coaxing Haru to
open up again. Once he was satisfied with the slickness, he tapped the opening
with his cock again.
“I'm putting it in,” he said breathlessly, sinking the tip in. He saw Haru
clench around it and stopped. He pushed in further, centimeter by centimeter as
Haru calmed and accepted the foreign object.
Rin's heart raced at a million miles an hour, watching his erection disappear
inside Haru until it had been all but swallowed up.
“Fuck, Haru, I'm in,” he whispered.
It was the greatest moment of his short life, fucking Haru, and now he had no
idea what to do. His body was telling him to drag out the heavy weight of his
cock and slam it back down the slick track inside Haru, but he was frozen.
Because Haru's brow was furrowed and he was gasping.
“Too big,” he said.
Words Rin had never hoped to hear. Or rather, he had hoped to hear them – that
was why he'd chosen a cock on the above-average side. And he wanted to give
Haru pleasure with that cock. So for the moment he needed to adjust, and so Rin
palmed Haru's dick instead.
If Haru had come like that – dick in Rin's hand, Rin's cock deep inside him –
it would have made Rin a very happy man. But Haru made it even better when he
started grinding his hips, begging to be fucked. Rin responded, moving slowly
at first, taking care to load on more lube, but little by little starting to
thrust into Haru for real.
He couldn't feel it as his strap-on pummeled Haru's insides but he could feel
the heat and sweat collecting on Haru's chest. He watched as Haru's abs and
buttocks clenched around his intrusion. He drank in the sight of Haru getting
frenzied and soon Rin was moaning along with him, banging into Haru with enough
force to stimulate his own flesh cock.
Haru never announced when he was coming, but his whole body tightened. He came
under Rin with heaving shudders, his face a mask of erotic pleasure. Rin barely
let the tremors subside before loosening the strap-on and sitting on Haru's
face.
“Blow me,” he said, voice low and husky with want.
Haru did as commanded, taking Rin's stiff flesh into his mouth and sucking and
licking for the all of about the minute it took before Rin came, fluid leaking
onto Haru's chin.
 
***
 
Soon, hanging out at the Nanase household became a regular thing. Weeks became
months. In the comfort of their shared company, they started discussing
important things every now and then.
One such day they were ostensibly doing homework at Haru's house, and Rin was
really trying. He was a good student, after all, he'd taught himself English,
but this particular science problem was giving him hell.
That's it!Suddenly the chemical formula came to him and the anger that had been
unconsciously building in his gut dissipated. After jotting down the answer, he
stretched his arms and collapsed onto the tatami mat.
Now that his focus could broaden, he smelled mackerel frying in the kitchen.
He'd grown accustomed to the smell, considering Haru rarely cooked anything
else. Rin preferred red meat, but fish was fine. And if he had to admit it,
he'd have eaten just about anything Haru made for him. Because he was a softy
like that, apparently.
Haru brought the mackerel and plates to the table. Rin sat up.
“Tch. Didn't you even make any rice?”
“No.”
Rin snorted again and got to his feet.
“Where are you going?”
“To get something to eat with the damn fish.”
Rin jerked open the refrigerator to find several containers of leftover rice.
He shoved one in the microwave.
“This is the rice I made last week, isn't it?” Rin frowned, popping his head
out of the kitchen.
“Yes,” Haru answered, already poking open his mackerel with chopsticks and not
bothering to look back at him.
“Hey, eat this stuff! What were you eating instead?”
“Toast. Now shut up and eat, Rin,” Haru said.
“I will, as soon as there's something to eat,” Rin growled. Fortunately for
everyone, the microwave beeped and Rin pulled out the steaming hot rice. He
deposited it on the table between them.
Haru made no acknowledgement of the rice's presence until he dipped his
chopsticks in. Rin tried hard not to grin in triumph.
Once they were done, Rin took the dishes to the sink and cleaned them. The fact
that he was okay with the sheer domesticity was pretty remarkable, but really,
the thought of maybe doing this whateverwith Haruka for the rest of his life
was pretty exciting. After he won the Olympics, of course, and needed somewhere
to settle down.
“You're smiling,” Haru remarked as Rin came back into the living room.
“Just thinking about you,” Rin said smugly.
Haru's eyes lit up but instead of turning away he held Rin's gaze.
Rin sat down next to him, shoulders touching. He lowered his voice to a sultry
whisper. “If you keep doing that, I'm going to think you really like me.”
“Shut up,” Haru said, although he met Rin's gaze. “You're a pain.”
After several minutes of basking in each other's presence, Haru broke the
silence.
“Are you going to get surgery?”
Rin audibly choked. Haru had an uncanny knack for cutting past introductions
and segues like normal people and catching him completely by surprise. Not to
mention bringing up things you don't bring up.
“I'm sorry,” Haru said, when Rin took too long to answer. “I shouldn't have
asked.”
“No, just, I made that decision a long time ago. You were there, you know.”
Haru blinked, and Rin knew that they were thinking of the same summer evening.
Granted, Rin had definitely thought about choosing otherwise. But the choice
remained the same. “Do surgery and have a dick that doesn't get hard on its
own? Fuck that. Actually, there's this thing you can do... Wanna look at
pictures of pumping up dicks until you get turned on enough to blow me again?”
Haru pushed his hand inside Rin's shirt, already excited by the suggestion, but
hesitated.
“What?” Rin kissed the top of his head.
“Can you go to the Olympics?”
Rin swallowed the lump rising from his heart. He'd read the IOC's and Japan's
policies, but hadn't seen this question coming from Haru. That was twice in one
night he'd been surprised.
“You trying to kill me? Tch, well, the IOC doesn't seem to care as long as
you're not trying to pass as a woman,” Rin mumbled into Haru's hair. He hadn't
gotten to the part about male athletes but was too scared.
“Rin... At one time I think I'd have said that it didn't matter to me if you
went to the Olympics. You'd still be you. But now I want you to go.”
“Haru.” Already off kilter from Haru's earlier questions, he was helpless to
defend against Haru's honest support. Tears welled up with the rising emotion
in Rin's heart. He squeezed Haru as tightly as possible, pressing his face into
the crook of Haru's neck until it was wet and salty with tears.
“Just never leave me again,” Haru said.
“I won't,” Rin said, and found that he meant it.
 
***
 
Years later, Rin stretched on the porch of the apartment he and Haru shared in
the Tokyo suburbs. He was getting ready for his morning jog, always conducted
under the backdrop of the pearly grey sunrise. It was quiet, peaceful, and by
the time he got back Haru was usually awake and making breakfast.
He glanced at the sprawling houses, a jumble of brown roofs stretching in waves
as far as the eye could see out toward the distant ocean. Directly below them
was the pool where his Olympic medal was enshrined and where he coached.
His sneakers squealed on the pavement as he set out to chase the sun. When he
came back, Haru would be there.
Together they pushed and pulled each other through life. As long as they could
still reach past the wall and toward each other, they'd survive. Life was an
endless transition, it turned out, just like a relay exchange. If Rin gave it
his all, he reached Haru and the next stage began. Every time.
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