Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3392003.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Phandom/The_Fantastic_Foursome_(YouTube_RPF), youtube_-_Fandom
  Relationship:
      Dan_and_Phil_-_Relationship
  Character:
      Dan_Howell, Phil_Lester, PJ_Liguori, Chris_Kendall
  Additional Tags:
      danhowell, Phanfiction, DanAndPhilGAMES, Gay
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-02-19 Chapters: 1/2 Words: 12952
****** Punk Edits in Real Life ******
by benedictcumbercat
Summary
     Dan and Phil have feelings for eachother, but will the truth come out
     before it's too late?
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but
not in your life.
Phil's POV
"That's it! Please thumbs up this video if you liked our looks." I said as I
moved my thumbs up and down waved them at the camera. "Thanks for watching,"
Dan said. "Also if you want to check out Dan's channel, you can click on his
face. Also we have a gaming channel together if you didn't know, which is
DANDANDPHILGAMES, and you can watch it in this area." I said as I waved my
hands in a random area that may not have been in the screen.
"Should we go record a gaming channel looking like this? No haha that would be
so confusing." Dan said. "Also please subscribe if you want to see more
AmazingPhil-Action, Oh my hair looks so disgusting!" I felt my hair as I looked
at the camera reflection, it was all over my hands. Dan was laughing at me
"Your forehead is such a mess...I really enjoyed licking these lip rings
though." "Remember I got them off Ebay." I said jokingly so that Dan would
cringe, which he did as he took them out and threw them on the ground, I
laughed at my triumph. "Omg look at our hands" "I look like I've been wading in
someone's blood, you look like you've been doing something very inappropriate
to uuuh papa smurf." Dan said shyly as I laughed.
"Okay are we done now?" Dan said slightly annoyed. "Ya sure, why what's wrong?"
I wondered what was wrong with Dan, lately he's been in some sort of mood. "Eh,
okay cause I am going to go take a shower and get all of this shit out of my
hair," Dan said as he got up from my bed. "Okay, can you turn off the camera?"
but it was too late.
I didn't want him to leave my bed, making that video was fun. Dan looked so hot
with those lip rings on his lips, if only I could just lean in and...
Dans POV
STUPID STUPID STUPID. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I don't know why I do
shit like that to him, it's not his fault. I hate myself for it. How the fuck
could I call him adorable and look at him that way. Once I put on that dragon
tattoo on, I just wanted to kiss him right there in front of the camera. Oh god
why do I have these thoughts it's so useless, I know he'll never love me
anyway. I'm too selfish and an asshole.
I strip down my clothes and turn on the shower. I realized I forgot my towel, I
know Phil will be in his room for a while, he always is after videos. I sprint
to the couch to grab the towel, as I walk back to the bathroom I peer into the
crack of the door. Phil is laying on the bed clutching Lion in his hand
sobbing. Shit. This is all my fault. I want to walk in and comfort him, but I'm
butt naked, well except for the tattoo sleeves and the eyebrow rings.
I leave the door and walk to the bathroom. I take off the sleeves and get into
the shower and lay down. I close my eyes thinking of Phil crying on that bed
with that blue hair.
*pounding sounds on the door*
"SHIT DAN. ARE YOU ALRIGHT? Fuck what if he's dead shit." I've never heard him
cuss like that, I hear him Phil sink to the floor. I open my eyes and there's
frezzing as cold water hitting my body.Fuck. I get up and turn off the water. I
put the towel on around my waist and slowly open the door.
"Phil?" I look down and Phil is sobbing there's blue everywhere and eye liner
running down his face. He gets up quickly "DAN I thought you were dead!" He
hugs me and and I hug back he's so warm and smells so good. I hold onto him for
too long. I wonder how long I was in there. "Are you okay? You've been acting
weird lately and I thought you tried to..." he started crying again. I can't
look at Phil like this he's so cute even though he's a mess. I pull his head up
"Phil I would never kill myself, especially when you are here." I lied, maybe I
should that would help me stop suffering. "Phil I'm so sorry, do you wanna go
out and get some lunch or something?"
Phil looked surprised. We never went out, because me being, the asshole that I
am was always too lazy to get up off of Tumblr. "I don't think we should. Maybe
we could order a pizza or something..." I knew he wanted so badly to go, but
was holding back for me.
"Phil we're going." Phil looked excited but concerned. "Are you sure, you don't
look so good." " That's because I've been in the shower so long I've turned
into a raisin." I joked. "Come on, you go take a shower and I am going to put
some clothes on, don't want to be walking in London with just a towel on." Phil
wiped his eyes and closed the bathroom door, he laughed. Oh thank god for his
laugh, I don't know where I would be without it.
 
Part 2
One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked
out with anyone else.
Phil's POV
Jesus H. Christ. Dan must think I'm a clod for even thinking that he would kill
himself. I would have blamed myself for it. I pressure him so much to do things
and he knows that I'm in love with him. I feel him slipping away from me. Why
do I not try to hide it? I am losing the only real friendship that I've ever
had.
I began to see the difference in the way he interacted with me, once fans
started bringing up the idea of Phan, he started to realize how much affection
I had for him. I couldn't help it. The first time that I meant him I felt a
spark bursting inside of me. It's childish for me to feel this way, I know. I'm
the older one, but it's never felt that way. Dan has always been the one who
faced the facts and didn't act as naive as I did. He never cried as much as I
did. When I met him he kept everyone from getting in. He didn't share secrets
or talk to me about problems he was having, until later when he trusted me and
decided to let me in.
All of that was gone now.
He closed the door on me. I know once he gets so sick of my googly eyes and
blushing he'll pack up and leave me.
I need to figure out what I will do if that happens. I'll have to move out, I
could never get myself up in the mornings knowing that Dan was gone, or even
think about replacing him with someone else. I look in the mirror and sigh. I'm
holding back tears, I don't even take a shower. I brush my hair a little and
open the door.
I don't want to go out anymore. It's too painful to go out to eat with him. I
pick up my phone and call for pizza.
"Dan?" I open Dan's door slightly as I slowly walk in. "Yea sorry, I am almost
ready to go... let me just throw on a pair of jeans." Dan said as he looked
through a massive pile of clothes. "I ordered a pizza, I think we should just
stay in tonight." Dan stopped what he was doing and looked up. "But Phil I know
how excited you were to go out to eat, we haven't in weeks."
"I know, but I'm too tired and a Buffy the Vampire marathon plus pizza sounds
really good right now." I hope he doesn't mind. "Okay, I guess you're right. We
still need to edit and upload that video we did earlier." He looked at me.
"Speaking of which, your dragon tattoo is coming off and your hair is a blueish
black now." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Yea, I'll take a shower after we
eat pizza and watch a few episodes of Buffy the Vampire." Dan nodded his head
and kept searching through the pile like he was looking for something
important. I walked out into the kitchen and decided to make some hot cocoa for
both of us.
 
Part 3
I hate myself for still waiting for you...
Dan's POV
Phil closed the door and I paused for a minute, thank god we weren't going out.
I get so much anxiety in public. I can't focus and have fun like everyone else,
I am constantly self conscious. Most of the time I try and make sure I don't
look at Phil for too long or laughing way too hard at one of his jokes. I walk
over to my bed and sit down. I hate this so much. Phil is all I think about.
why can't I just get over it and move on. I should probably clean my room, it
was a complete disaster, I could tell Phil was uncomfortable about it
constantly.
Everything was falling to shit, I should have left Phil once I realized that I
had feelings for him. Which such a long time ago. God I could look into his
blue eyes for hours upon hours, if he'd let me.
I get up and walk out into the living room, Phil comes in behind me I turn
around to look at him when I bump right into him. A cup of hot chocolate drops
out of his hands and onto the ground and shatters. The other one that's in his
hand spilled all over the front of him.
"Ouch" Phil says as he looks down at his pepperoni pizza shirt that is now
covered in boiling hot chocolate which has caused the shirt to look like it is
a three meat cheese pizza. "Shit Phil I am sorry" I frantically pick up the
glass and run and get a towel. I come back and Phil has his shirt off. I stand
there for a minute just looking. Damn. Of course I had seen him like this
plenty of times, but I could never get over the fact of how good he looked.
I walk over to him and his stomach has large red burn on it. God damn it. Phil
looks at me "Dan it's alright really, doesn't hurt that much." "Phil stop it,
it's so red. Fuck. I am so sorry. I didn't see you walking in. God I am so s-
" Phil interrupts "Dan it's fine don't feel bad, I shouldn't have been walking
so fast into the living room with a drink so hot."
This is part of the reason why he'll leave me. I am so fucking stupid. I didn't
realize it but I began crying.
"Dan are you okay? It's just hot chocolate. The burn will be gone in a matter
of a couple hours."
I look up, Phil looks so worried, it's not the burn Phil.
It's you.
I love you.
I want to be with you, but I know that will never happen.
"Phil...?" I am still looking at him. "Yes Dan?" "Do you want to sit on the
couch and watch T.V.?" I keep looking at his stomach, not necessarily the burn,
just him. "Sure yea, and Dan seriously I am fine." I wipe my eyes and move over
to the couch. "Hey Dan?" God I probably look like a teenage girl. I never cry.
Well unless we are watching Doctor Who or something, but that of course is the
opposite of this. "Yea?" "Hope you don't mind but, I made you some hot
chocolate." He laughs. I laugh a little. "Shut up and come sit on the couch."
 
Part 4
The love you can't have lasts the longest, feels the strongest, and hurts the
most.
Phil's POV
God my stomach hurt. I made sure the the hot chocolate water was super hot,
because sometimes if it's not the coco won't mix right. It's alright, I know
Dan didn't mean to, I don't know why Dan got so upset. I know he's been really
off lately and I don't mean External Crisis Dan, he's been...just off.
I come sit on the couch and Dan is flipping through Netflix. "I have no clue
what we should watch, any suggestions?" Dan looked over at me. "Well we could
watch all of the Hayoa Miyazaki movie collection that you got me." Dan looked
really happy at that idea. "Yes that would be great, we should watch Ponyo
first... If that's okay with you?" "Yea of course Dan." I went into my room to
get the movie set.
When I came back out Dan had blankets spread out across the couch and was in
the kitchen. I went to the dvd player and inserted Ponyo. Dan finally came out
and he had a plate of chocolate chip biscuits and some hot chocolate. "Ah Dan
thanks so much." He handed me the hot chocolate and sat down. I pressed play.
While the movie was playing, I wasn't really watching, I was thinking about
Dan. I should really talk to him. I can't let him leave me. I need him here no
matter how much it hurts me.
We are best friends and if it needs to stay that way so be it. I'll get over it
soon enough...
Hopefully.
We just got to the part where Sosuke was giving Ponyo more ham when there was a
loud bang at the door. Dan and I both jump. "Didn't I order the pizza like 2
hours ago?" I said to Dan as I got my wallet and went to the front door.
I opened the door. It was the pizza man. "No offense but why did it take you
two hours to deliver my pizza?" The man looked really pissed off. "I am the
only fucking driver for the night because everyone else is "sick" because they
didn't want to work. Here's your pizza it's on me." He shoved the pizza at me
and left.
"Well that was weird." Dan got up from the couch and came into the kitchen with
me. "What was?" "Well the pizza guy was really pissed off because he was the
only one working tonight, so he gave the pizza to us for free." Dan laughed.
"Well at least we didn't have to pay for it right, is it cold?" I opened the
box and grabbed a piece. "Nope not really, not as hot as the hot chocolate
though, that's a bummer." Dan pushed me and got a plate and some pizza.
Once Ponyo was over I put in Spirited Away. We were sitting on the couch
together still.
I looked over at Dan who was falling asleep very quickly. He was so close to
me. I wish I could lay beside him. I pushed the thought away and kept watching
the movie.
My eyes began to close, the last thing I remembered was Yubaba looking for Boh.
Dan's POV
I woke up and I had my arm around Phil and he was laying on my hip. I instantly
got butterflies in my stomach. What happened between us last night? Nothing
unusual, so why was Phil laying on me? Was that an accident? Did I black out or
something? No... We got pizza and watched Ponyo and Spirited Away. I started to
panic. What if Phil has feelings for me too.
NO DAN. Stop thinking that way. He's stated it so many times that he doesn't.
Then why was he laying on me? Most likely an accident. I am not going to get
up, I'll just pretend that I am asleep until Phil gets up.
I try to breathe slowly. Am I breathing to loud? Too quiet? I don't know. I
look down at Phil, his mouth is slightly closed and he's moving rhythmically up
and down. God. I need to get up, this is too painful.
I get up carefully. He doesn't notice. I go to my bathroom. I look into the
mirror. I look so depressed and tired. I need to keep myself from loving Phil.
Everytime I start to think about him I will cut myself. No Dan you can't cut
yourself. I mean come on I am not that depressed... Right? There are people out
there with real problems.
Oh wow Dan someone doesn't love you back you should just stop being a pussy and
get over it. My eyes start to fill with tears. GOD DAMN IT. I reach down into
the shower and grab a razor and move my shirt and quickly slice my shoulder
three or five times. The pain brings me back to reality. Phil doesn't love you.
The voice in the back of my head keeps torchering me. You piece of shit. Just
get the fuck over it. It's not like you have a terminal illness or something
actually worth crying over. I cut my shoulder in the same place. I wince. More
blood comes runs down my arm.
It feels like hours that I've been in here. I grab my phone. 11:48. How come
Phil wasn't up yet? I wipe the blood off of my arm and put the razor down on
the counter.
I walk into the living room. Phil was gone.
SHIT
SHIT
SHIT
He left. Fuck me. Why do I have to be such a dumbass. I crouch down onto the
floor. Don't cry, you bastard. This is what you deserve. Having feelings for
your best friend. It's a platonic relationship, nothing will ever happen. Then
I hear him walking through the door.
"Phil?" God I am stupid. What kind of friend am I? Thinking that he would just
walk out on me. "Yea Dan? Sorry I just went into town to get some cereal and
milk we were kinda running low." He comes in. He looks directly at my arm and
drops the bags that are in his hand. I look down at my arm, its bleeding so
much.
Shit. He knows.
Okay thanks for reading! If you liked it please vote it or comment below if you
have any questions or anything. Thanks.
Part 5
Stars can't shine without darkness
Phil's POV
I knew it. Dan is depressed and now he's cutting himself. He's crying on the
floor. I drop my bags and run over to him. God see I knew that if I didn't talk
to him he would do something. I should have right when he was in the bathroom
yesterday.
It's all my fault.
"Dan... Oh my god.. what did you do to yourself." Dan looks up at me and
doesn't say anything. "DAN please talk to me."
"I-I-I... Don't know.. Phil, I am so sorry." Oh your sorry. Dan no, I am sorry
this is all my fault. I should have left you so I wouldn't be physically
hurting you.
"Dan why are you sorry? This isn't your fault! This is my fault, I should have
lef-" He's not listening anymore.
Dan's POV
God damn it I should have covered my arm up, Phil's going to take me to a
mental hospital and then they'll put me in a electric chair and brainwash me. I
won't ever see Phil again. He's trying to comfort me. I can't speak. There's
nothing to say. Great just what I wanted, He thinks I am a "depressed" human
being that only thinks about himself.
I begin apologizing to him. He's astounded by this. He's saying it's his fault.
Why the FUCK would it be your fault Phil?
No.
It's my fault. I am gay. That of course is not a bad thing at all, especially
recently with all of the internet finally accepting it. But to be gay, for your
best friend not a good thing. This is a really bad thing. He's talking fast
about leaving and how he should have left me. What no.
"Dan listen to me." He shakes me. I wasn't listening. "Come with me to the
bathroom." He pulls me up and gets me to sit on the countertop. I wipe my eyes.
Tears are streaming down my face still.
You are literally the definition of bullshit, you know that, right Dan? Phil's
taking care of your sorry ass because you can't get over the fact that you are
gay for him and can't express your god damn feelings. Shut up.
Phil is searching through the cabinets for things. He pulls out some gauze,
rubbing alcohol, and Neosporin.
"I need you to calm down okay Dan?" He talks to me softly. I nod at him. "We
don't need to talk about why you did this. I just need you to sit still while I
do this Okay?" I nod again. I can tell he's holding back tears.
Why did I do this too him? I scared him half to death yesterday when I was in
the shower too long, and now this? I am the worst possible friend that there
is.
"O-k....Phil, I just need you to know that you have nothing to do with this
okay?" He looks up at me "I don't believe that, I shouldn't be so hard on you
all the time. Trying to make you go out when I know that you hate it so much."
He looks down and the gauze that he's trying to rip but isn't succeeding.
He's right but, it's not like I'm cutting myself for having to fucking go
outside, I mean come on.
Phil quickly pours the rubbing alcohol on my shoulder. Fuck that hurts. I try
so hard to not flinch, which doesn't help anything. He grabs my arm and looks
at me. "It's okay Dan, it's almost over." He puts the Neosporin cream over it
and wraps it.
"Okay you're all patched up thanks to Dr. Lester." He laughs but then realizes
what's happening right now. I smile to let him think that I'm doing better.
"You should probably lay down for a bit and take these" He hands me two
ibuprofen tablets and I jump off the counter. "Thank you so much Phil, you
don't know how much you are helping me." I get a glass of water out of the
kitchen and walk to my room. Phil has made my bed and pulled the duvet back
just enough for me to slip right in. "Phil, could you possibly lay with me for
a bit, just I can calm down a bit?" Wow Dan good way to cover it up. Worst
excuse ever.
"Of course Dan, anything." I get in under the covers and I turn away from dan
so I don't make it obvious. I slowly drift off to sleep.
Phil's POV
God Dan is scaring me shitless right now. I can't leave him. Ever. I think
Dan's asleep now, I lean over and look over his shoulder. Yep, snoring. God was
he cute. I looked at his shoulder. Why Dan why? I'm your friend right? Why
can't you talk to me? I lean down and kiss his shoulder.
Well that was a dumb move, what if he woke up?... but he didn't. I lean down
and do it again. I smile at myself, if only i could do that whenever I wanted.
God that suddenly made me depressed so I quietly walked out of the room to go
put the groceries away.
Dan's POV
Am I dreaming, or did Phil just kiss me on the shoulder...
twice??
Okay well be ready for the next chapter because shite is about to happen, and
also don't forget to vote for it if you enjoyed it! Also if you want to know
when the next update is either follow me on here or instagram
@benedict_cumbercat
Part 6
Committing suicide isn't about killing yourself, it's about killing the pain.
Phil's POV
Should I call and talk to someone about Dan? Should I call a therapist?
No Dan would kill me for that. God I wish I knew exactly what was wrong with
him. Why the hell would he cut himself. Was he really that depressed about
something? Why hadn't I talked to him yet? Stupid Phil always being happy and
joyful instead of paying attention to how much we ate out or if he was paying
attention to me as much as I was him.
I went on the couch and laid my head into the pillow. I wanted to scream, but
of course that would wake Dan up and the neighbor's would think that I was
murdering someone. I close my eyes just so I can escape reality for a while.
Dan's POV
How am I supposed to sleep now? Phil just kissed my shoulder. Or what if it was
just his hand patting me. No definitely a kiss.
No that's not possible, I was probably just dreaming or hallucinating. I felt
so anxious, is there a possibility that Phil actually has feelings for me?
I get out of bed. I need to talk to Phil. I need to tell him the truth, no
matter if he does or doesn't have the same feelings for me. I get up, no I
can't do this, I sit back down. No Dan you have too. After about ten minutes of
arguing with myself I finally get up, when I reach the door I feel my hand
shaking as I grab the door handle. You can do this.
I go out to the living room Phil's on the couch. "Hey Phil... Are you asleep?"
I hear him grunt "No Dan what's up are you feeling better do you want to talk?"
I tug my shirt and lean back a little. No I don't have anything to say. I can't
do this. "No not real-I mean yes Phil, I need to talk to you." I slowly walk
over to the couch. I sit down right next to him. His hair was so cute and
messy. Dan stop distracting yourself pay attention.
"Dan before you start talking, I just want to say that you are my best friend.
If anything happened to you, it would kill me, because I would know that I
could have stopped you in some way.
Best Friend. Those two words cut into my stomach like a knife. God I can't do
this. I feel pain building up inside me. Don't Cry, Don't FUCKING cry. I am
watching him slowly, I'm not listening to anything that he's saying.
What am I doing? He's talking rapidly and his lips look so kissable right now.
I lean up and grab his neck and begin to kiss him.
No.
Why did I do that? But his lips are so soft. I feel fireworks. This is the best
thing in the world. I always thought about this for hours upon hours, I never
thought it would be this great.
I start to lean over to kiss him more, when he pulls away. Shit.
NO. This is what I knew was coming. WHY did I just KISS him? Fuck.
I pull back quickly too. He's looking at me, he hasn't said anything. I can't
look at him. I am looking at my hands. I keep glancing up, he's just sitting
there giving the deer in the headlights look.
Why did I do that? Fuck, I wasn't even thinking, my emotions just took over me.
It felt like time had stopped. He wouldn't move. I was just sitting there not
even looking up at him. Why isn't he talking?
The whole world is crumbling down around me. This is my worst nightmare. My
first actual best friend and I go and ruin it by falling in love with him.
Idiot. He's still looking at me without talking. I feel tears running down my
face. I take the opportunity. I run to the bathroom and lock the door.
I search the cabinet for things. There's more ibuprofen, fuck only two tablets.
There's tons and tons of tooth paste. Could that kill me? Ha. No Dan it will
just make your mouth smell like you are chewing every single piece of gum in
the world.
Wait whats that? It's one of Phil's prescription bottles. Perfect. It doesn't
have a label, but inside is about a hundred white capsules.
I start swallowing as many as I can. Phil begin's knocking on the door."Dan I
know what you are trying to do, it won't work." I stop. What? I am killing
myself with probably some OCD perscription thing that Phil got awhile ago. "WHY
THE FUCK WOULDN'T IT WORK? I AM TAKING THE WHOLE BOTTLE! You don't understand
Phil. I love you, and you don't love me back so just wait out there and then
call the police in about ten minutes, because I can't live knowing that you
don't love me." I am crying, I am almost done, I have ten more left.
 
Part 7
Have I told you yet... How much you mean to me?
Have I told you yet...About all the happiness you bring to me?
Have I told you yet...That you mean the world to me, you're the best thing that
had ever happened to me.
Just in case I haven't, I want you to know, I love you.
Dan's POV
"Dan?" He sounded happy. He wants this. That Bastard, he knew all along and now
he's making me pay. "W-hattt Phil?" He unlocks the door. How the fuck did he do
that. I definitely locked it. He smiling. Thank god I'll be dead soon. "Do you
even know what you just ate about 50 pills of?" Is this some kind of joke? Did
he want me dead all along? "What is it?" I grit my teeth, tears are still
running down my face. "Do you even know what that is?" He looked at the bottle
I was holding.
"It's like your anxiety pills or whatever.." He laughs. What the actual fuck is
going on? "Those are dietary coconut vitamins." He was laughing so hard.
Vitamins? Wow was I stupid and how did he get the door open? "Dan I had to take
the precaution of you you killing yourself so I took out all of the dangerous
pills and replaced them with that." Okay even if he did replace them why was he
laughing? I just about fucking killed myself and he's laughing about how good
of a "prank" he just pulled.
"God damn it Phil this isn't funny. Did you not just experience what I did in
the living room five minutes ago?" God he didn't get it. He thought it was
funny that I was being so pathetic over him. I need to get past him.
"Yea of course I did, it was really nice, we should do it again sometime."
God, I go to push past him...
Wait what?
Did he just say he liked it when I kissed him? I grabbed his arm "What did you
just say?"
Phil's POV
Are you kidding me, it was my fault really. Why hadn't I kissed him before? Why
is Dan the one crying, I am laughing. Only because I am happy. I look at Dan,
his brown eyes were swollen he looked at me with such hope. "I said I thhhougt
it was.. good." I struggled to get those words out again, It didn't seem real.
Was Dan actually in love with me? He screamed it at me a minute ago, but was he
actually serious?
"Dan I have always been in love with you since the moment I met you. I thought
it was one-sided, that's why I never said anything. God I should have..." I
look down. Dan grabs my chin and leaned in to kiss me. I close my eyes. Our
mouths move in sync, he tasted so good.
He pushed me slowly out the door. We stumble across the hallway and into my
room. We began to strip our clothes. God I've waited for this forever.
He gets on top of me and kisses me. We both don't have our pants off all the
way. I push him under me. I trail my hands down his ribs and onto his jeans.
I am looking straight at him. I take off his belt and begin to unzip his pants.
I put his dick into my mouth and begin sucking up and over and over. He's
pulling my hair. "Phil..." He moans I feel him coming. I take off my pants and
we go back to kissing, until it's my turn.
We switch positions and he does the same for me as I did him. He's moving up
and down as my dick gets harder and harder. Oh god how good this feels. "Dan...
Love me." He then comes up to me and begins grinding his dick against mine. He
goes back down and finishes me off. Once he's finished he crawls back up to me
and we begin kissing again.
This time more soft than before. I could sit here for hours upon hours just
kissing him. We finally stop and wrap ourselves in each other's arms until we
finally fall asleep.
 
Part 8
If I could give you one thing in life,
I would give you the ability to see through my eyes;
only then would you realize how special you are to me.
Dan POV
I wake up and I'm laying next to Phil.
Naked. I jump a little.
Woah what the fuck happened.
Oh yea. I may never get used to this. Waking up next to him, I felt like the
happiest person in the world. What if I had killed myself last night? Phil
would be here without me. God why do I have to be so rude.
I just went straight to killing myself instead of talking it out. By the amount
of pills I took I would have died in a matter of minutes, well that is if they
weren't fucking dietary coconut pills. HA. Idiot
How did Phil know? And why coconut pills?
I laugh at myself. God am I stupid.
I get up off the bed and pull my boxers on. I look back at Phil and walk over
to the bed and kiss him on the nose. He groans in his sleep and rolls over.
That was adorable.
I sort of skip to the kitchen and look into the fridge. I should make breakfast
for him.
I grab the eggs, bacon, and ingredients for Delia Smith pancake batter.
As I am making the pancakes I try to flip it and it lands on the floor. Fuck. I
pick it up and look at the bottom. Yep still edible.
I set it on a separate plate so it won't be for Phil. I turn on the coffee
maker and get two plates, two forks, and two cups out. I tear off a piece of my
"floor" pancake and shove it into my mouth.
I begin to whistle when I feel two hands wrap around my waist. I jump and look
behind me.
Phil.
I put down the spatula and turn around and kiss him. His mouth is so warm, He
pushes me back a little when I realize the burner is on. I let go of him and
move away quickly.
"What's wrong Dan?" I felt my back. Ouch. I don't want to say anything. "Oh
nothing, just realized that the pancakes are about to burn." I go over and put
the pancakes, eggs, and bacon onto our plates. I hand one to Phil as we walk
out to the couch.
"You know, I was making this so that you could have breakfast in bed. This
isn't okay, Phil, you've ruined it." Phil laughs. "I'm sorry but it smelled so
good out here I had to come and see." I have my mouth full so I smile and nod.
I get up and go get our coffee.
I come back when there's a knock on the door. I look down at my boxers and then
at Phil's. "Should we get dressed?" Phil then looks down at himself. "Nah it's
probably just the mailman."
I go to the door and open it.
It's PJ.
"Well hello" He says as he looks at me and and then at my still of clothing.
"uh sorry about..the..Well I thought you'd be the mailman so that's your fault"
We both laugh. "Oh it's fine I don't mind, may I come in?" I realize that I'm
blocking the the doorway and open the door. We walk into the living room. I can
tell that PJ is uncomfortable because he looks at Phil and then back at me.
"Yea sorry PJ, we just kind of got up..." Phil trails off. I try not to blush.
He doesn't see me and sits on the couch next to Phil.
"So where is Chris?" I ask.
"That's what I came to talk to you guys about." He looks down at his hands and
then back at us. He looks like he's about to cry. OH FUCK HE'S NOT DEAD, IS HE?
"What happened?" Phil asked as he moved closer to PJ.
"Well, Chris and I got into a fight and I-I-I may have punch him and then left
and came here."
Part 9
It's regret, I think that really is the worst kind of pain,
yeah guilt is bad,
and sadness is bad,
but regret is a sickly combination of both.
 
Pjs POV
God was I shaking, why did I come here. I am almost to the top of the stairs
when I change my mind. No, go back up there. I repeat this about 6-7 times
before it actually knock on the door. Once I've done it, I regret it.
Dan opens the door, he's wearing boxers. I look away quickly, I'm blushing.
"Well um..." I smile, shit stop it.
We walk in and Phil is also just has boxers on... I guess I was looking at them
weirdly because Dan started to get flustered. "Um we kinda just got up..." yea
right.... what time was it like two in the afternoon? I sit next to Phil. "So
where's Chris?" Dan asked me, Shit..
"That's what I came to talk to you guys about." I look down at my hands begin
shaking. My eyes fill with tears. Dan and Phil looked really worried.
Phil moved closer and asked "What happened?" I looked over at Phil, "Well,
Chris and I got into a fight and I-I-I may have punched him and then left and
came here."
Dan stood up. "Why did you do that?!" I begin to cry. Phil confronted me a bit
for a while before I was able to let the words come out of my mouth.
"Well, I don't know if you know this, but Chris and I have been dating for
months, almost a year now, and he keeps trying to post videos on YouTube
confessing his love for me..." Phil and Dan exchange looks.
"Pj..isn't that like, a good thing?" Phil says as Dan nods. "Well yea, but I
don't know how the fans will react..and he keeps trying to force me to come
out." I still have tears running down my face.
I can't tell them the real reason that I punched him, it wasn't that I was mad
that he loved me so much, it was because I finally realized that I didn't have
feelings for Chris anymore, I had feelings for Dan.
I look at Dan. That face....
"How about this Pj, how 'bout we go get drunk as fuck and then I will go take
you back to you house. What do you say to that Phil?" Phil looked at me and
then back at his computer. "As much as I'd love to go, I have to edit a few
videos and then catch up on some projects that I've started and then go run a
few errands in town. You guys go have fun, I'll be fine."
I started to smile.
Yes just Dan and I out. I stand up.
"Yes that would be great, we should go now and drink until we pass out." Dan
looked surprised. "Okay yeah sure... Let me go and take a shower first if you
don't mind." "Oh yea of course Dan."
Dan got up and began to walk to his room when he turned around. "Hey Phil, can
I talk to you for a minute?" "Yea sure Dan." Phil got up and followed him.
Dan's POV
God was that stressful, I swear something terrible happened to Chris. Once Phil
and I are in my room, I close the door and I quietly lock it.
"What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" Phil looked a little confused, so
I grabbed his wrist and pushed him back a little into my wall. I look into his
eyes and then kiss him deeply for god knows how long. I got lost for a while
before PJ knocked on the door.
"Hey Dan? Are you almost ready? I think Phil left or something..." I look at
Phil and roll my eyes and smile. I press my finger to his lips and pull him
into my closet. I whisper into his ear, "Stay here until I leave, just you wait
until I get back." I lightly kiss him on the lips and close the closet. I
quickly run across the room and unlock the door.
"Yea you can come in if you want..." Pj walks in and I grab my wallet. "So are
you ready to go get wasted?" I ask as we walk out of the room. I am not really
listening to him as I look back and smirk at the closet. Hopefully Phil was
watching or else that I would have looked like an idiot.
We walk down the stairs and Pj is talking about the weather or something. I am
not paying attention. All I can think about is Phil.
His deep blue eyes, I could get lost in them forever. I didn't realize that we
had stopped until Pj started to shake me. "Hm?" I gain focus and look at Pj. I
look around me, how did we already get to the pub?
"Are you ready?" Pj is really excited as he grabs my hand and we walk in. Why
was he grabbing my hand? This wasn't like Pj. I sort of pull away and we both
grab a seat.
The bartender comes over to us and takes our orders. I order a tall glass of
beer with a few shots of vodka. Compared to Pj, he was practically getting
nothing. He ordered a half a shot of whiskey. I drank all of what was in front
of me and then ask for the exact round three or four times more. I was
celebrating Phil and I.
God I wished he was here. All I remember from that night was the pub, the
train, and then I was inside Pj's house.
Pj's POV
Dan was getting pretty drunk. I didn't like drinking as much as he did. Damn.
He just kept ordering and ordering. Once it was about his fifth round I told
him we needed to go. So he paid the tab and we walked to the train.
I kind of had to sort of help him on because he was out of it. I had hoped he
might come home with me. I don't want to take advantage but how could one not,
especially with a face like his.
We get to my house and we go to my room. I closed the door. He was sitting on
my bed looking around. I went and sat by him. I felt nervous. I needed to make
a move. I leaned in and kissed him.
He pulled back and looked at me confused.
Great.
Well it didn't matter did it? His thoughts were impaired because he was
drunk... Right? I got up off the bed and walked over to my desk. I held back
tears. God this was worse than I thought it would go. But then Dan got up off
the bed and came behind me.
I turned around and he was pulling off his shirt and he was kissing me a bit
too hard, but I didn't complain. I took off my shirt as well and then we moved
to the bed. He then stopped kissing me to take off his pants. My heart was
raising. God I had never felt this great since the first time I kissed Chris.
I stop for a minute.
Chris.
We were done though right? It didn't matter anymore.
I then take off my pants and Dan leans down and begins giving me a blow job.
His mouth moved so perfectly across my dick. I finally cum and then I go down
on Dan. His dick is getting harder when he starts to moan. "P-H-illl, oh god. I
love you so much."
I stop.
Phil? God I should have known.
Fuck.
He didn't think he was having sex with me, he thought that he was with Phil. I
put my boxers back on and go out of the room.
I go on my couch and think about how stupid I am until I start crying and fall
asleep.
 
Dan's POV
I wake up. God my head was throbbing. I rub my eyes. My eyes focus, I look
around. Where was I? It was PJ's room.
I get up.
I look down.
What the fuck? Why am I naked? Shit shit shit. What happened?
I try really hard to remember what happened last night. God all I could
remember was getting on the train and then sitting on Pj's bed when he kissed
me....
SHIT PJ KISSED ME.
The whole night became clear.
The sex.
Me moaning and calling out to him.
NO. This can't be happening. I put on my clothes. I'm shaking.
I begin crying. Why didn't come home to Phil? I walk out into the livingroom
and PJ is laying there with only boxers on.
I shake him to get him up.
"WHAT THE FUCK PJ??" He groans and gets up.
"What Dan? What's wrong?..." I think he remembered too and he looked at me with
sadness in his eyes.
"I was fucking drunk and you took advantage of me. Didn't you?" He looks up at
me guilty.
"YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?" I yell at him. He shakes his head.
"IT means that I fucking cheating on Phil. PHIL. INNOCENT PHIL. YOU PIECE OF
SHIT." I begin sobbing and I clench my fist. I want to fucking punch him.
Don't do it. Phil's voice said in the back of my head. It released my tension.
A bit.
"You and Phil? But you and him are just friends?" God was I pissed now.
"No dumbass. We are very much in love." I grab my stuff and leave.
I hear him come after me. I turn around quickly. "I swear to god if you follow
me anymore I am going to punch you in the fucking face you piece of shit. You
took advantage of me." He looks at me. "You didn't feel any of that spark that
I felt last night?" He's crying now too. "NO I was fucking drunk, I thought you
were Phil. Don't come crying to us about your fucking problems anymore. And if
you come near our flat again, I'll kill you."
I run out and begin running towards where the train station was.
I call a cab and arrive at the train.
I get on, I see a lot of people staring at me. I don't care. Fuck them.
I arrived in London and get off the train.
I've been crying since I got up. What am I going to say to Phil? It's going to
ruin everything.
I finally get to our apartment and I open the door.
I come into the living room. Phil is sitting on the couch with a bowl a cereal
and his computer. He smiles at me. I feel pain in my stomach, I'm going to
throw up. I can't do this, it will kill him. "Hey Dan how's it going?" I sit by
him on the couch.
"Dan, are you okay? You look terrible." I push away his computer and his
cereal. What is he going to say. He's going to leave me. "Phil... Just hold me
please." I cry into his shirt for a long time. He's holding me against his
chest for a long time before I sit up and look at him.
"Phil?" I grab his hand and trace it with my finger. I'm crying even more. I
try to hold back the tears and look at Phil. "Dan please, please tell me what's
wrong." He at me trying to hold back tears because he knows something happened.
I breathe deeply. "Phil I need you too listen closely and don't get mad quickly
without thinking everything through." He nods his head. "No Phil I'm
serious..." "I-I know Dan just say it."
"Last night when I went out with Pj, I got really drunk and after we got to his
flat, he took me to his room." Phil's eyes began to fill with tears. I can't
look at him.
God this was all Pj's fault.
"Phil, I was completely drunk I didn't know what was happening I swear. I
dddidn't kknow what he was doing." Phil was crying. He was speechless.
"Phil please say something" He couldn't even look at me. "Phil, you know I love
you so much. I didn't know I swear. If you leave me, I'll understand but please
please don't." Phil gets up and looks at me. "Dan...I..." He leans over and
kisses me briefly and walks to his room.
FUCK ME. I get up and go to the bathroom. I look everywhere and I finally find
the razor. Phil tried to hide it. But not very well. I cut my wrists over and
over. I am crying so much. I regret ever coming up with the idea to help Pj. I
hate him. This is all his fault.
I get up off the floor and look in the mirror. God I look like fucking shit. My
whole face is red and my eyes are almost swollen shut. I cut whiskers and a
nose into my face.
There I was done. I looked around in the bathroom. There was kinda blood
everywhere, and now there was blood running down my face. I don't know how long
I was in the bathroom.
I open the door and walk out. I knock on Phil's door, it opens. "Phil?..."
He's gone.
I frantically search the house. Not in the kitchen, living room, my room, or
any of the hallways. I go back into my room and look in my closet. Not there.
The memory of him in here when I kissed him seems so far away. I sit in the
closet and close the door. I want to die. Phil has left. There is no reason to
live anymore. I drift off into sleep with the image of Phil's smile floats
around in my head.
Part 10
Sometimes people choose to leave,
not because of selfish reasons.
But they just know that things will get worse,
if they stay.
Phil's POV
I had to get out of there. There were tears streaming down my face. Dan cheated
on me? With Pj? He said it was an accident, and I could tell he was telling the
truth because he didn't look guilty or mad, he looked hurt.
"Dan...I..." I leaned over to him and gave him a kiss for the last time. Then
went to my room and slammed the door. I was still crying. I grabbed a few
clothes and Lion. I heard Dan go into the bathroom, he was pushing things
around. I wiped my eyes and opened the door very quietly. I got out of the
apartment and got in a cab. I had no clue where I was going but I needed to go
somewhere.
I got out of the cab. I found myself at a hotel, I paid for a room.
I went to the room and laid on the bed.
I loved Dan so much, I knew it was too good to be true. My teeth clenched. What
if Dan did do it on purpose? Or what if he really didn't know? I want to
believe him so bad but I just can't.
I didn't realize it but I had fallen asleep and it was now 9 P.M.
I walked down to the lobby and sat at the bar. I ordered a few beers.
I sat there drinking for a long time before I realized there was a woman
staring at me.
Once she realized that I had noticed her she started talking to me. "Hello..."
She had on too much makeup and a black dress that was too short. "Hi" I said as
I grabbed my beer and chugged the rest of it. She put her hand on my arm and
whispered in my ear "Do you want to go back to your room?" Her hand slowly
moved down my chest. I looked at her shocked, and then I thought about it.
What the hell? It's not like Dan loves me anymore right?
.
We get to my room and she begins kissing me, I can feel the waxy feeling of her
lipstick all over my face. She takes off her clothes and then asks me to do the
same. Before I can do anything, she pushes me on to the bed. "I'll talk your
clothes off for you....." She takes off my belt.
What the fuck am I doing? Dan and I haven't talked anything out, and how do I
know that PJ really did take advantage of him? I quickly get off the bed and
put my belt on. "I can't do this....sorry." Within a few seconds of grabbing my
stuff, I'm out the door.
I go to the lobby receptionist and hand her my room key. "Thanks"
I flag down a taxi. "Take me to the train station please."
It seems like the taxi is going slower than all the other cars.
Once we finally get to the train station I pay for a round trip to Brighton and
back.
I've arrived at Pj's.
How am I going to do this?
I find myself knocking at the door. It takes a minute or two, but Pj finally
opens the door.
He looks like he's been crying for awhile. Great.
"Hi Pj, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something?" He looks down
at his feet and then back at me. "This is about the whole thing with Dan? Isn't
it?" I nod and he opens the door.
We sit on the couch. He's looking at his hands and trying really hard not to
look at me. I'm trying really hard not to cry. "Pj, I need you to tell me what
happened with you and Dan." He finally looks at me and tries to speak, but no
words are coming out.
"Dan and I went to the Pub to get drunk. Once he had too much to drink I told
him we needed to go home, so we rode the train back to here. When we got here,
we were in my room and I kissed him...."
I was trying not to cry, because the next part was the most important.
"He seemed like he was confused and he sat back on the bed, I realized he
didn't have the same feelings for me."
Wait? I thought that they had sex? Right?
"Then I was going to go out of the room when he came up behind me and began
kissing me. We began to have sex, but then he kept calling out your name, then
I realized that he didn't have feelings for me. He thought that I was you."
I was relieved and began crying, he did have sex with him.
Yes, but he didn't know what he was doing. I should have listened to Dan. God
damn it Pj. But Pj's feelings were also hurt as well.
"Pj, what about Chris? Are you sure you had feelings for Dan? Or were you just
trying to push those emotions away because you two were fighting?" He looked at
me, and he realized I was right.
"But... but. I don't think he will take me back. We were fighting and I got mad
and I punched him in the face, and then just left him." I sighed. "Well if you
two talk about it and apologize then I bet he will." He nodded and then hugged
me.
"Listen Phil, I just want you to know that I'm sorry. Okay? I didn't realize
that you two were....You know...together. We were both drunk and had no clue
what we were doing."
I nodded a bit, I still felt like crying, Dan must have felt so bad and I made
it so much worse by just leaving him alone.
"I know Pj, I know. I need to go back home and talk to Dan." "No you should
probably spend the night because it's almost one in the morning and I don't
want anything bad to happen to you."
He gave me a few blankets and a pillow, so I could sleep on the couch.
"Night Pj," but before he heard me, he was already in his room.
Dan's POV
I'm just going to stay in this closet until the landlord comes to kill me
because I haven't paid rent. My whole body feels so much pain. I want Phil
back. I want everything to go back to two days ago when we finally realized
that we had feelings for each other.
Hours have passed. I get up and move to Phil's bed. I can smell his colon in
the pillow. I covered myself with the duvet and closed my eyes.
Phil's face appeared.
I closed my eyes tighter and tried really hard to fall asleep so all the pain
would go away. I can't fall asleep. I open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling
and try to think of things other than Phil.
 
*
*
Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall
back together.
Phil's POV
I get off the couch and check the time. It's about 11 a.m. I should leave now.
Hopefully Dan will be alright. I wish I had gone home to him last night, so we
could talk everything out... but I didn't.
I look in Pj's room. He's asleep on the bed. I stare at the bed, not Pj, but
the bed. I makes me really uncomfortable, so I close the door and leave his
house.
The train seems like it's taking forever to finally get to London. It's really
nice outside for a change. Usually it would be cold and rainy during this time
of the year. Maybe that means it will be a great day, and Dan and I could go
back to finally doing normal things. Like ordering pizza and spending hours
upon hours sitting next to each other eating cereal and scrolling on Tumblr. I
smile at the thought. But then my brain wonders to the alternative.
What if Dan is gone already?
Even worse, what if he's done something to himself? My body tenses and try not
to think about that if it happened. Oh God. What if he actually did? No it
couldn't possibly happen could it? If he does, I will plan on making a video
about how much I loved him, then later kill myself. Could I actually amount to
doing that? Would my body physically let me kill myself? I've never thought
about doing that before. I am still cringing about what would happen, I drive
those thoughts away as best as I can until I arrive in London.
I get to our appartment and run as fast as I can up the stairs. I open the door
and run around the house trying to find Dan.
I check the bathroom.
Nope.
Then his room.
Nope.
What if he left me? No he couldn't have. Could he? I running around the house
searching everywhere. I check everything over and over.
Wait. My room. Oh god please, please, please be in here Dan. I open the door
and he's lying on the floor with my duvet in front of him. Please don't be
dead.
I take of the duvet and check his breathing. Oh thank God. He's fine, but his
face. Why is there blood all over it. No. He cut himself all over his face.
Great. I turn him over and look at it closer. Are those whiskers and a nose?
They are. What were you thinking Dan?
I shake him to wake up. He opens his eyes for a second or two and closes them
again. What is he doing? His face is so pale with red blood streaks all over
his face.
Dan's POV
I feel myself moving around. I open my eyes and see Phil leaning over me trying
to wake me up. I'm positive this is a dream. There's no way in hell Phil would
have come back for me. I close my eyes, but the shaking doesn't stop. I open my
eyes again and sit up.
My eyes focus, and I see Phil. He still has a hold of my shoulders. I look at
him confused.
"Phil?... You came back?" I looked at Phil, he was smiling. I couldn't believe
it. What was he doing back here? Was he here to laugh at me and then leave me?
He was still smiling at me. I don't know if I am crying or not, but I grab him
and hold him.
"Dan. I talked to Pj last night." Oh shit. I sit back. That's just wonderful.
Now they can become best friends and hate me. Maybe I was right... Phil just
came back to say bye for the last time. I don't look at him, I look at the
wall.
"Phil, just leave already. Okay? It's bad enough to feel guilty and want to
kill myself for doing what I did to you. And how terribly you must feel right
now, but I just need you to go so I can stop looking at your beautiful face
without crying. I deserve to die anyways, I mean who the fuck gets drunk and
then fucks another person without realizing that it's not their boyfriend? Huh?
What was that?... Right no one does, ever. I am sorry Phil, I'll go into my
room so you can get your stuff. Okay?" I held back tears as I started to stand
up when Phil grabs my wrist.
"Phil, what more do you want!? I'll leave your life forever. Okay? Hear that?
Gone. Poof. Do you want me to kill myself in front of you? Will that make
everything so much better for you?" Tears are running down my face, I feel rage
building up inside of me, but instead of getting more angry I just produce more
and more tears. I look at Phil. He's crying too, but he's holding my wrist
still. He won't let go. I've hurt him even more by raising my voice at him.
"You called me your boyfriend." I look at him. What the fuck does that have to
do with anything?
"Yea well not anymore apparently."
I need a plan to kill myself. Before I can think any further Phil interrupts my
thoughts.
"God damn it Dan." He looks at me. "I didn't come back for my stuff. I came
back for you. I know you didn't mean to have sex with Pj, I talked to him
already. Why would I come back to watch you literally kill yourself?"
What was happening?
How was it even possible for Phil to still want to be with me? He should be
gone. He should be like fifty miles away by now.
 
Part 12: The Man with the Mask
 
*
Your heart says not again.
What kind of mess have you got me in?
But when the feelings are there,
It can lift you up and take you anywhere.
The Man with the Mask.
Phil's POV
Dan was so hurt. But so confused that I had come back.
I came back cause I truly did love Dan, it wasn't his fault, I knew that now. I
was excited to be back, but at the same time I shouldn't have been because Dan
still needed to be mended and cared for.
He cut himself all over. I don't know if he needs stitches or not, but if he
does he will probably refuse to go to the hospital.
I've started to care for the cuts by wiping away the blood and putting band
aids on them. Dan grabs my arm to stop me. "Phil, how could you come back when
I hurt you that bad? I don't deserve you anymore... Well, I never did. I've
always treated you like shit and-" I started him kissing him. It was insure
that he knew that everything was alright now. I put my hand at the back of his
head and kept on.
He pulled away first.
He was crying. "Phil, you really want to ta-k-ke me back? If you aren't sure,
you can leave now. I won't bother coming after you. You could find someone else
who won't cheat on you with one your friends. Someone who will grow a pair and
actually come after you if you leave, instead of cutting themselves and laying
on the floor like a piece of shit." He's then starts crying into his hands.
He's sincere about what he's saying but I know he doesn't mean it.
"Dan, I'm not leaving you. I never want to you leave you. Even if it means that
you left me first. I won't do it. I love you too much." He lifts his head
slowly and looks at me. He smiles a little bit and wipes his eyes. I smile too.
I keep on trying to mend the cuts. There are so many. How could I leave him for
so long? Why didn't I think that he might harm himself while I was gone for two
days?
I should be the one that's sorry. I should have listened to him. Stayed here
and looked after him. But now he's psychically and mentally hurt.
"Dan. I shouldn't have left you here alone. What if you did something worse? No
one would have been here to save you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
I feel like I am about to cry. My eyes swell up.
Dan stands up quickly and sits me down on the bed. He has both hands on my head
and he's about an inch away from my face. "Phil, you've got to stop trying to
say it's your fault. When something goes wrong, it's never your fault. Ever,
who's the one who got drunk? Who's the one who's cutting themselves? Not you,
Me. You are so kind to try to stick up for me, but you can't blame yourself for
things you didn't do. Okay?" He still holding me, he seemed angry, but
concerned. I nod. He kisses me on the forehead and then sits beside me. I reach
down and grab his hand. He squeezes it and then hugs me. He pulls away quickly.
"Phil, I'll go into town and get us some dinner and I will rent a movie or two.
How does that sound?" I nod and smile at him. "I'll come with you." Dan shakes
his head and gets up. "No Phil, you stay here and I will be back."
But before I let him go, I flip him around onto the bed. I stand over him and
begin kissing him. I sit on his left thigh and we keep kissing, I try to come
up for air, but he pulls me back. His hand is pulling up my shirt, and he's
running his other hand through my hair. He then lets go of me and we sit there
in silence for a moment, except for the sound of our heavy breathing. He keeps
me sitting on him as he brings me close to lay his head on my shoulder. I do
the same to him and we sit there for a while, hugging and feeling the closeness
of each other. We then decide to lay down. We never break contact as we lay our
heads on the pillows. Our legs intertwine and we hold each other close for
awhile. His warmness makes me feel so happy, being with him was like I had
found my other half, that empty hole that was there for years was filled with
Dan. I didn't have to worry about making myself look stupid for wanting to be
around him all the time. Or trying to keep my eyes off his lips, constantly. We
are still holding eachother. Neither of us moves.
I could lay here forever.
Dan's POV
Laying with Phil felt like the most perfect thing in the world. Our bodies were
latched onto one another like puzzle pieces. His head was against my chest and
I was holding him. I could feel his breathing. My chin was was on top of his
head.
We must have fallen asleep. I look down and Phil is still there. I slowly
detach from him. Once I've gotten up, I cover him with his duvet and kiss him
on the forehead. I quietly go out the door into my room.
I grab my wallet, a pen, and a piece of paper. I felt so happy. I didn't care
about anything else now. Phil was all that mattered. I go and look in the
fridge. What should I make for dinner?
I finally decide and write down the items that I'll need at the store.
Bread.
Pasta.
Marinara Sauce.
Hamburger.
Wine.
I practically skip out the door and onto the street from the apartment.
How lucky was I? Phil actually came back for me. How was that possible? His
body was a warm ball of energy that I fell in love with.
I get on the subway and travel into town.
I'm lost in my own thoughts thinking about Phil, but I feel someone staring at
the back of my neck. I turn around quickly. I see no one staring at me. Just
people on their phones, sleeping, or reading the newspaper. I shake my head. I
keep staring at my crumbled piece of paper, I can't focus on reading. I get off
the subway and begin walking towards the market.
I've gotten the pasta and the bread in my basket so far. I feel the same
feeling as before. Someone staring. I look around. No one. Again. Why was I
getting paranoid? I get the other items on my list and I checkout.
I am walking down the street when something from behind hits me hard on the
back of my head. I fall to the cement and black out.
I wake up and I'm handcuffed to some sort of table that is leaning at an angle.
My head hurts, alot. I feel the stickiness of my blood trickling down my neck
and onto my shirt. My hands aren't just handcuffed, its my ankles too. I can't
see anything, I have some sort of thing over my head and my mouth is duct
taped. I panic. I pull myself forwards. I try for awhile but nothing works. It
seems like hours, but then finally the light switches on and the blindfold
around my head is ripped off. I look around. I'm in a garage of some sort. The
person who has imprisoned me has a mask on. The mask shouldn't be so
terrifying, but it is. It's black and sticks to the Man's face like a mold. You
would think that I would be able to recognize who it was, but I couldn't. The
Man is wearing all black except his shoes.
His shoes are bleached white. His shoes are intimidating, why didn't he just
where black shoes? Is that for when he kills me? So that his shoes will be
stained with my blood?
He tilts his head at me.
Who the fuck would kidnap me?
He walks closer to me and takes a knife out of his jacket pocket. Oh god he's
not going to kill me, is he? I begin to squirm. He takes the knife and begins
cutting my clothes off. No. He can't do this to me. No.
I try to move around as much as I can.
Nothing works. He's finally gotten my shirt and pants off of me.
Next my underwear.
I squeeze my eyes shut and begin to cry. I don't want this to happen to me.
I keep my eyes closed as he finally gets them off.
He waits a while to do anything. I hear him shuffling around. I slowly open my
eyes. He's standing there.
Naked. Except for the mask. The black mask that covers him. The mask that seals
his identity. The mask that makes everything worse.
Who was he? Why me? Was it on purpose, or did he just kidnap me to rape me? He
grabs the knife and walks over to me. He begins cutting down my rib cage. I try
to scream, but nothing will come out. I am trying to get out. He does the same
to the other side. I stop moving. Maybe if I stop, he'll stop.
I was wrong.
He gets up to my face and cuts the cat whiskers that were already there,
deeper.The Man doesn't just do it in quick motions, he stands there cutting
into each one. Like it's a precious piece of artwork. I wince. He steps back
and throws the knife onto the ground. The loud clanging makes my ears ring. My
head was throbbing. He must of hit me so hard for me to be knocked out.
He begins giving himself a handjob, before walking over to me. He's erecting
all over the ground. He lifts it up. It begins to go all over me. Oh God. NO.
He steps over me and puts my penis into his mouth. I am terrified, why is he
doing this to me. I feel so dirty and sick now. He won't kill me, will he? What
if I don't survive? I'd rather die than be raped. The only thing holding me
from caring is Phil.
Phil.
Oh god I forgot about Phil. No. He'll be left alone and won't ever see me
again. How will he cope with my absence? I begin to sob, I just about killed
myself never to be with Phil and now that we've apologized and come back
together again, we are taken apart by this horny bastard with that god damn
mask. I snap back into reality because I'm getting harder and harder. I try to
hold myself back. It doesn't work. I feel so much pain all over. It doesn't
feel real, but it is.
When he's finished he goes to the table across the room and grabs a syringe
that has a large needle at the end. I had a fear of needles, especially ones
that were so big like that one. He came closer and he stuck it straight into my
arm.
It didn't hurt as bad as it should have. I begin to feel a little bit foggy. My
eyesight was starting to go bad. My eyes slowly shut. He lowers the table down
to the ground and I am flat now. He sits on me and begins grinding against me.
The last thing I saw was the man with the mask raping me. Again. For the second
time. I couldn't think about my safety or how I planned to escape. All I could
think of, was Phil. Phil who was waiting at home for me. Who had finally come
to terms of being with me. He was going to think that I left him. He's going to
think that I didn't actually love him, that it was all just an act. I do love
Phil. I wish I had never left the apartment. I could still be in Phil's arms.
Warm and safe, away from the Man with the Mask.
*
*
*
Oh god, this chapter is pretty scary and it was over at a cliffhanger. I am
sorry for the violence stuff, but I hoped you liked it. Don't worry too much
about Dan, he has to go through Hell, but I'm not sure if he'll die yet....
(Haha. I do know actually....) Hope you guys enjoyed and if you want updates
for when the story is being updated either follow me on here or on my personal
@\benedict_cumbercat Thanks!
End Notes
     Hey guys thanks for reading, if you want to follow me on Wattpad the
     username is @benedictcumbercat and if you would like to follow me on
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