Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/98168.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Bandom, Panic_At_The_Disco
  Relationship:
      Ryan_Ross/Spencer_Smith
  Character:
      Ryan_Ross, Spencer_Smith
  Additional Tags:
      Dildos, Sex_Toys, Community:_kink_bingo
  Stats:
      Published: 2010-07-04 Words: 5507
****** Precious Things ******
by northern
Summary
     Ryan looks him in the eyes for just a few seconds, and Spencer sucks
     in a breath at how vulnerable Ryan looks right then. It's not
     something he's used to seeing. Ryan doesn't have many expressions,
     and Spencer suspects that if Ryan saw himself in a mirror right now,
     he'd quickly school his face to indifference, or maybe even
     sullenness. Ryan does scowling very well. Right now, however, Ryan
     isn't hiding anything, whether he's aware of it or not, and Spencer
     can see him wetting his lips again, hesitating.
Notes
     Sequel to Little_Earthquakes
Spencer keeps the thing in its box for a few days after. It's not that he's
embarrassed, it's... oh fuck it, he's so embarrassed he hasn't even spoken to
Ryan for real for three days. Ryan keeps calling him, and Spencer keeps blowing
him off with increasing discomfort. It's not something he's used to doing. His
mom asked him at dinner if he and Ryan has had "a falling out". What the fuck
is he supposed to say to that?
He can't even use the thing anymore, which is just fucked up. He'd worked up
the guts to buy it, for one use only? He sits on his bed, legs folded up,
thinking about it. It had been good, before Ryan got there. It had been even
better after, when... when Ryan had used his hand. He closes his eyes, thinking
about it. If Ryan had. If he had taken it out, if Ryan had laid down on top of
him and pushed inside, with his fingers, or with his, his cock, then... Spencer
absolutely would have let him.
He lies down on his side, knees against his stomach and squeezes his eyes shut,
trying to pretend he doesn't want to take the box out from under the bed. That
he doesn't want Ryan to ignore the stupid way Spencer had blown him off and
come tumbling in his window, like before. Into his bed.
Embarrassed, he twists around on the bed, rubbing his cheek against the pillow.
Ryan is probably out somewhere, with some girl. Just because Ryan was here a
few nights before, and they did... that... doesn't mean Ryan actually likes
guys. Everyone gets turned on in the face of getting off, right? And they did
get off.
Fuck, Spencer can't stop thinking about it. He's tried, so, so much, but not
thinking about Ryan is exhausting.
Spencer winds up just lying there, unable to sleep, too uncomfortable to just
jerk off. It's after midnight by the time Spencer's knocked out of his downward
spiral of embarrassment and self-pity by a noise.
Something is banging against the window. It sounds like the gravel in Spencer's
yard, and Spencer instantly feels a chill run down his back. He didn't actually
wish for Ryan to come, but who else can it be? It's after midnight, but that's
never stopped Ryan before. Spencer waits until the next volley of sharp little
knocks against the glass, and then he gets up and opens the window.
Ryan is standing down in the yard, faintly lit by the residue of light from the
streetlight around the corner. "You're an avoidant asshole," Ryan says.
"Fuck you," Spencer says defensively. "You could have called instead of trying
to smash my window."
"I tried that before, but you wouldn't talk to me." Ryan doesn't look angry,
exactly, from what Spencer can see, which is a relief. "Is this about last
Sunday? What am I saying, of course it's about last Sunday."
"Shit, shut up before mom and dad wakes up," Spencer says, trying to keep his
voice down.
"Then open the fucking door already," Ryan says, exasperated.
"Fuck. Okay."
Spencer closes the window and walks through the night-darkened house, rubbing
at his face with both hands as he goes. There are no signs of anyone else
waking up, but he still feels self-conscious about letting Ryan in, like he
wouldn't have just last week. When he opens the door he glances around the
street to see if anyone is watching before he lets Ryan in and instantly thinks
about how stupid that must look. Nothing has changed. Nothing. It's Spencer
who's being ridiculous and turning this into something when it's really
nothing.
Ryan complains in whispers all the way up the stairs while Spencer walks beside
him and tries to avoid brushing against him. Even through his t-shirt, Spencer
can feel the heat from Ryan's arm, from his side.
They sit on Spencer's bed, and Spencer has a hard time looking at Ryan without
flushing. He's being stupid, immature, but he can't help it. This is where they
slept together, after. Ryan keeps moving, his knee bouncing up and down, like
he's unable to stay still. Spencer can see him looking around the room, out of
the corner of his eye.
"So," Ryan finally says after a long moment of awkward silence where Spencer
wishes he was cool enough to have a normal conversation with his best friend,
for fuck's sake, "so. Where is it?"
Spencer's hands jerk away from his lap, and the notebook that's lying on the
edge of the bed falls to the floor with a small thump.
"Where's what?" Spencer asks quickly, as he picks the notebook up, very
conscious of how close he is to the package with the toy under the bed.
Ryan coughs and twists around on the bed, so he's lying on his side with his
arm under his head. His legs are touching Spencer's. "The thing," he says
quietly.
Spencer's "what?" is out of his mouth before he can stop it. He heard what Ryan
said - he just doesn't understand why he said it. Or maybe Ryan doesn't mean
the thing thing, maybe it's...
Ryan coughs again. "That thing, the thing, like, the one you were using when
you." He makes a gesture that Spencer actually looks at; his free hand is
unabashedly lewd.
Totally the thing thing.
Spencer puts his hands between his thighs and squeezes them shut. He knows his
face is red, and he hopes Ryan isn't looking at him. Ryan pokes him in the hip
with his toes, and Spencer looks up, startled.
"You're embarrassed," Ryan says, and Spencer pulls away from his touch.
"I'm not," he says, even though it much be completely clear that he's lying.
Ryan's face isn't red, and Spencer wonders why. Is Ryan so fucking used to sex
that he's not bothered by stuff like sex toys at all? Ryan isn't smiling and
Spencer is relieved, because Spencer doesn't think he could take the surreality
of Ryan talking about sex and smiling at him, but he doesn't look angry or
indifferent either. It's sort of a non-expression, and it makes Spencer a
little uncomfortable, because he can't tell what Ryan's thinking.
"I don't care," Ryan says, staring at him so intensely that Spencer has to look
away again, "you're embarrassed or something, and you don't want to talk.
That's not fair. I want to talk."
Spencer crosses his feet, one over the other on the floor. It wasn't this
awkward last week. At least, not while they were... doing it. It was plenty
awkward the morning after, and Spencer remembers saying hardly a word to Ryan
before he left to pick his stuff up before school. He wonders if that's why
Ryan is here. To mock Spencer's inability to cope with sex. He asked for it,
the toy. Maybe Ryan thinks it's a necessary prop for that conversation. Maybe
Spencer should just man up and get it over with.
He breathes a couple of times, in and out, and then he bends forward and pulls
the package out from under the bed. He doesn't even have to look for it - he
knows exactly where it is. He takes the toy out without looking at Ryan and
drops the empty package on the floor.
"Here. Talk," he says and shoves the bright-colored thing onto the bed between
them.
Ryan's breath catches, and he stares at the dildo for a long time, doing the
opposite of talking. If Ryan's not staring at Spencer, Spencer can look at him
more comfortably. Ryan opens his mouth a couple of times, like he's going to
say something, but all that happens is that he licks his lips, his tongue
swiping over them quickly. Spencer thinks about the way Ryan watched him
before, the expression that was close to awe on his face, and he thinks he sees
something like it right now as well. Except it's more like...
"You can touch it if you want," Spencer says, experimenting. "It's clean," he
adds and watches how Ryan stretches out his hand, carefully.
"I didn't really see it much, before," Ryan says, touching the flared base of
it, his fingers just stroking lightly.
Spencer remembers and shifts on the bed. Ryan had touched plenty, but not seen,
no. He seems very interested in it, and not in the way that makes Spencer brace
for mocking. No, Ryan is fascinated, almost like he wants to take it home with
him. Spencer swallows.
"Did you... What are you thinking about?" Spencer settles on.
Ryan snatches his hand back. He looks like he was caught jerking off or
something, his eyes dark and mouth open.
"Sorry, I just," Ryan says. "I just wanted to..." He doesn't finish the
sentence, and Spencer can't help wanting to know what is it that Ryan wanted.
If it's the same thing Spencer wants when he touches the dildo.
"You wanted to...?" he prompts. "What do you want, Ryan?"
Ryan looks him in the eyes for just a few seconds, and Spencer sucks in a
breath at how vulnerable Ryan looks right then. It's not something he's used to
seeing. Ryan doesn't have many expressions, and Spencer suspects that if Ryan
saw himself in a mirror right now, he'd quickly school his face to
indifference, or maybe even sullenness. Ryan does scowling very well. Right
now, however, Ryan isn't hiding anything, whether he's aware of it or not, and
Spencer can see him wetting his lips again, hesitating.
"Can I try it?" Ryan says quickly, like the words are sticking in his throat
and he has to force them out.
Spencer stares. That's not what he'd thought Ryan would ask.
Ryan grabs the covers that are shoved against the wall in one of his hands and
twists them between his fingers. Spencer watches him for a moment, until Ryan
starts looking like he might explode from embarrassment. Then Spencer shakes
himself out of it.
"Um, of course," he says. "Sure!" It's a weird thing to ask, and strangely
intimate, but Spencer can do that, can loan it out to him. Then he suddenly
worries that he might have misunderstood after all, even though Ryan looks like
he's going to die from having asked. "You mean you want to use it on yourself,
right?" he asks, feeling himself grow hot again from thinking about it, about
Ryan lying in his bed at home, pressing it inside himself, maybe trying to
stifle moans with his other hand. He shifts again, pulling his knee up on the
bed again.
Ryan closes his eyes for a minute and Spencer waits, listening to the way Ryan
is breathing, through his mouth, hunched in on himself on Spencer's bed, still
twisting the covers in his hands. Ryan is hot like this, and Spencer tries not
to think too much about what Ryan wants to do. Ryan opens his eyes again.
"I can't take it home with me," he mumbles. "I can't risk that."
Spencer slides a little closer and makes himself put his hand on Ryan's thigh
for support. Ryan twitches and glances down at Spencer's hand, but doesn't
comment. Spencer is thinking. "So do you want me to... go do something else for
a bit?" he suggests. He'd love to actually see Ryan doing it, but he doubts
Ryan is that perverse.
"No!" Ryan says quickly. "No, if you could. Stay?"
Or maybe he is. Fuck. Spencer feels hot all over. He's almost hard in his sleep
pants, and his t-shirt isn't quite long enough. He tugs on it and then looks
back at Ryan, who is regarding him with a face that is half hopeful, half
scared. "Like, what, to help you or something?" he asks, which sounds so
stupid, but he can't figure out what else Ryan might want.
Ryan touches the dildo again, where it lies on the bed between them. He strokes
a finger along the length of it, almost reverently, and Spencer thinks about
Ryan naked, about touching his ass.
"Do you want to?" Ryan asks, without looking up.
Spencer doesn't know if he can answer that. Instead he moves his hand to Ryan's
hair, hanging over the neckline of his t-shirt. He strokes along the hem a
couple of times, hoping that Ryan will know, that he won't have to say
anything. Ryan's skin is so soft under his hair, at the nape of his neck.
Ryan bows his head down, leaning a little into Spencer's fingers. He is holding
the toy in his hand, and Spencer glances down at it. It looks like a hard dick
in Ryan's hand. It's not porn star thick, and Spencer wonders if Ryan thinks
it's enough for him. He puts his other hand on top of Ryan's, tightening it to
feel the the firm silicone in his hand too. Ryan lets out a shaky breath and
Spencer licks his lips, remembering the feeling of the toy sliding into him,
stretching him. If Ryan wants to feel that too, he can totally understand that.
Spencer releases Ryan's hand and the toy and bunches the fabric of Ryan's t-
shirt in his hands instead, tugging up. Ryan looks at him for a moment, not
really helping, but then he seems to get with the program and stretches his
hands above his head after letting the dildo bounce down on the bed, letting
Spencer pull his shirt off.
"They're not going to wake up, are they?" Ryan asks suddenly when Spencer lets
his shirt drop on the floor.
Spencer feels his stomach drop unpleasantly. "You just have to be quiet," he
says. "They never wake up when you sleep over." That's not strictly true, but
the only times his mom has woken up has been when Ryan cried too loudly.
Spencer doesn't want to think about that right now, and besides Ryan hasn't
cried loudly for years.
Ryan nods and leans back on the bed, struggling a little with the buttons on
his jeans. Then he pauses and looks at Spencer. "You too, right?" he asks,
looking a little uncertain.
Spencer doesn't really want to get naked. It's one thing for Ryan, who has had
a lot of sex and is undoubtedly used to people looking at him, but Spencer
doesn't like people to look. Last time he'd been too turned on to care in the
end. He looks away from Ryan.
Ryan grabs his arm and makes him look again. His fly is undone, and Spencer can
see the outline of his dick clearly through his underwear. Spencer jerks his
gaze up to Ryan's face. "I'm not doing this unless you are, too," Ryan says.
"What, what do you mean?" Spencer asks, nervous.
Ryan's face has a lot of color at the moment. He almost looks like he's been
out running, which is ridiculous, because Ryan would never go running unless
ordered to by a gym teacher. "You have to do it too," he says. "I want to see
it better than last time."
Spencer feels himself flush. Letting Ryan watch him with the toy... He's not so
sure he wants to do that. It was different last time. "I don't know," he says.
"We already had sex. Mostly, anyway." Ryan's eyes are burning, like when he has
an idea he's going to make Spencer go along with whether Spencer wants to or
not. "You can do me first, with it, if you want," he says. "Then I can do you."
Spencer thinks about pushing the dildo into Ryan, slowly. He thinks about
fucking him with it. He wonders if Ryan has ever put anything in there before.
Spencer had tried his fingers, and the end of a candle before he bought the
toy. Maybe Ryan has, too.
"Wait, what?" he says. First Ryan, then him. "Isn't that..." he was just about
to say 'unhygienic', but that's a really stupid thing to say. Ryan would just
laugh if he said that. "Okay, I guess," he says instead.
Ryan unbuttons his fly and starts crawling out of his tight jeans. Spencer
watches until Ryan stops and gives him a meaningful glance. Then he bites his
lip and leans over to open the drawer next to the bed. He finds the lube he's
hidden in the back quickly. Ryan is naked when he turns back, just peeling off
a sock, and Spencer watches him some more in silence. Ryan moves back to the
headboard again and pulls a sheet over himself. Spencer is surprised. He
figured Ryan would be comfortable just lying down on top of the sheets and let
Spencer see.
"So," he says, scooting closer with the tube of lube in one hand, "do you...
want me to do it then?"
Ryan looks him in the eyes briefly and then away. "Yeah. Yeah, if you want to?"
It comes out as a question, although Spencer thinks Ryan might have meant it to
be indifferent.
"I want to," Spencer says. He can't believe he gets to do this, to touch Ryan
like this. He hovers a bit, while Ryan just sort of half-sits there against the
headboard, and then he puts his hand on Ryan's leg, tugging a little. "I think
it works better if you lie down," he says.
"Yeah, yeah, of course," Ryan says quickly and wriggles until he's lying down.
His eyes are wide open, and he's watching Spencer's hand, the one with the lube
in it.
Spencer starts pulling the sheet off, but then he thinks about it and pauses.
"Okay?" he asks, his voice coming out a little breathless. There is a lot of
Ryan's skin under there - naked skin.
Ryan nods. He doesn't seem to know where to put his hands. They slide in under
the sheet, and then Ryan puts them under his head for a few moments, before he
seems to think better of it and lays them down by his sides.
Spencer pulls the sheet off a little more and pets at Ryan's hip and waist. His
skin is no softer than Spencer's, but it feels different, intimate like this to
touch it. Hot. Ryan keeps looking at him, and Spencer wonders if he's going to
change his mind.
"You can. If you maybe turn on your side," he says, pushing gently at Ryan's
hip.
"Okay," Ryan says in a quiet voice, but it takes a few moments until he turns,
slowly, pulling his legs up a little.
Spencer looks. Ryan doesn't have a round ass like in porn. It looks very pale.
Spencer runs his fingers lightly over it, and Ryan jumps a little. "Yeah?"
Spencer asks again, and Ryan whispers back. "Yeah."
Spencer moves up a little. He needs a better angle. He nudges Ryan's topmost
leg up a little more so he can reach better, and Ryan makes a small sound when
Spencer touches inbetween. He doesn't pull away, though, so Spencer uncaps the
lube and pours some out in his hand. He puts the tube down on the bed and holds
onto the top of Ryan's thigh with his dry hand, carefully exposing Ryan's balls
and his hole.
He starts higher up, because he remembers how weird it felt at first, the lube,
and he doesn't know if Ryan has touched himself there before. Ryan twitches and
makes that little sound again when Spencer touches his wet fingers to his skin.
Spencer doesn't let that stop him. He slides his fingers slowly down over
Ryan's hole and down below it while Ryan breathes loudly, out and in. Spencer
can feel that Ryan's tense - the thigh under his hand is almost shaking with
it.
"I'll just," Spencer says, stroking around and over Ryan's hole, and his hand
is shaking a little bit and he doesn't even know how to finish that sentence.
One of Ryan's hands is gripping the pillow hard, and Spencer can sort of see
that Ryan is hard, right there so close to Spencer's hands. Ryan turns over a
little bit, so that he's more lying on his stomach with one of his knees pushed
up high.
Spencer rubs his thumb over and around Ryan's hole. He tries pushing in just a
little, and Ryan makes this noise, lower than he expected, almost grunting. He
stops for a bit, the tip of his thumb just barely dipping into Ryan. Ryan
squirms, and it pushes Spencer's thumb a little deeper. Ryan puts his hands up
under his head at that. His back is arching, and Spencer can't help but think
Ryan's pushing his ass out towards him. It's nice - it's like Ryan likes it and
is showing it. "You okay?" he asks, just to make sure.
"Yeah, yeah, it's just." Ryan squirms against Spencer's fingers again. "It's
weird, you know?"
Spencer laughs a little, breathless. "Yeah," he says, because he knows. He
looks around for the toy and finds it near the foot of the bed. He's glad it
didn't fall on the floor, because Spencer's sure his floor is seriously covered
in dog hair. He gropes around for the dildo with one hand while keeping his
thumb inside Ryan's ass and spares a sarcastic thought to how incredibly smooth
he is being right now. He gets the dildo balanced against one of Ryan's thighs
and opens the tube of lube again. "I'm gonna put some more of this stuff in
you, and then we can try," he says.
"Uh-huh," Ryan mumbles.
Spencer pulls his thumb out and puts some more lube on his fingers. This time
he tries his index and middle fingers at the same time, pushing them in slowly.
Ryan is tense and it's tight, but Spencer doesn't think Ryan would take it if
it felt bad, so mainly he just tries being careful and steady. Ryan is
breathing pretty loudly, and he's not exactly just staying still, so Spencer's
not too worried.
After a while of that, Spencer guesses he can try the toy. He squeezes out more
lube into his palm one-handed and rubs over the length of the toy to coat it.
It feels good; sexy. It reminds him of touching Ryan's cock. He thinks about
putting lube on Ryan's cock and then maybe sitting on it, like in porn, but
that makes him feel a little uncomfortable. On the one hand, it's hot, but on
the other, he's pretty sure he'd be much too heavy to sit on Ryan.
Ryan shifts, nudging Spencer's fingers deeper inside, and Spencer finishes
putting lube on the toy. Then he pulls his fingers out.
"Fuck," Ryan says, rolling over a little. "Warn me or something."
"Sorry, sorry," Spencer apologizes, his hand hovering over Ryan's hip. He's not
sure whether it's okay or not to put the hand that was just in Ryan's ass on
any other part of his skin. In the end he settles for putting it on Ryan's ass.
He brings the dildo up against Ryan's ass and rubs it back and forth over his
hole. Ryan seems to like that, if the way he's pushing back against it says
anything.
"You want it?" Spencer asks and immediately slaps himself mentally. That
sounded way too much like porn dialogue. Ryan doesn't seem to care, though.
"Yeah," he pants, obviously trying to line himself up with the toy and failing
when Spencer moves it away.
Spencer is fascinated. He's not used to Ryan like this. It's like Ryan wants
something only Spencer can give, and Spencer has the power to deny him. He
doesn't really want to deny Ryan, though, so when Ryan strains hard enough that
it looks like he's going to go up on his knees, Spencer finally puts the tip of
the dildo against Ryan's hole and pushes. At first he thinks it's not hard
enough, but then he puts some more muscle into it and it goes in, and Ryan
makes a kind of shocked noise and freezes.
Spencer stops pushing, and the dildo almost slides out again. Spencer only
stops it because he figures he should keep going unless Ryan tells him not to.
"Do you want me to stop?" he asks after a while of no movement from Ryan.
"No..." Ryan says, and Spencer can tell he's thinking about it.
He strokes with his free hand over Ryan's hip, his thigh. Spencer can see how
the toy stretches Ryan's hole - he's got a front row seat for this, and it
looks so hot he has trouble staying still. He wonders if he should offer to
stop again, but then Ryan pushes back, just a little, and Spencer increases the
pressure, and the thing goes in further, almost half the length of it. Ryan
whines a little, and he shifts, moving one of his hands down underneath
himself. Spencer knows Ryan's jerking himself now - he can even almost see it -
and he takes several short breaths, panting with how hot that is.
"You can. You can move it," Ryan says. He sounds not quite like he's in pain,
but not comfortable either.
Spencer pulls on the toy, only letting it withdraw a couple of inches before he
pushes it in again. Ryan's moan when he does is strangled, and it somehow goes
straight to Spencer's dick. Spencer has to put his other hand against the base
of his dick and press, which makes him moan as well. Ryan pushes back against
the dildo and Spencer presses it in further. It's not an easy slide, but Ryan
is making noises like he's going to come in the near future, so Spencer
squeezes his own cock and rests his head on Ryan's back, pushing the toy into
Ryan's hole again and again. Spencer hasn't even fucked himself like this, but
he thinks he'll have to try it soon. Doing it makes him think about what it
would be like, actually fucking Ryan. He lifts his head back up and watches the
dildo push in and out of Ryan's stretched, lube-shiny hole. He shoves his other
hand down his sleep pants and strokes himself, because there's no way he can
not do that, not with Ryan right in front of him like this. It's unfamiliar and
awkward with his left hand, but Ryan is so into what Spencer is doing with his
right that he doesn't want to risk switching and pissing Ryan off.
"Harder. More," Ryan pants, and Spencer thinks he's definitely going to come
soon.
He changes his grip on the dildo, pushing it in with the heel of his hand
against the base of it instead, faster, and something about the shift must have
been very right, because Ryan moans so loudly Spencer is afraid it's too loud,
but then Ryan covers his mouth with his other hand, and Spencer focuses on
reproducing the same shove-slide as fast as he can while pulling on his own
cock with his left hand. It's hard, and he bites his lip in concentration as he
feels his eyes slip closed at the building pressure. Ryan is almost up on his
knees, and he's rocking back and forth with the force of Spencer's thrusts. His
body seems to tense even more, and then Ryan pants harshly and falls on his
side, body hunched up around his spurting cock, and Spencer loses his grip on
the dildo.
Spencer doesn't care anymore. Ryan has come, and now he can totally use his
right hand. He pushes his pants down more, gasping in relief at the more
familiar stroking as he switches hands. He tries to watch the dildo sliding
slowly, slowly out of Ryan's ass, but he's too close, and he just finds himself
tilting his head back, his eyes sliding back closed and his hand flying over
his cock, the pressure perfect, perfect.
When it comes, it's almost explosive, everything at once, punching into him so
fast he almost falls off the bed, except something keeps him from falling. When
he's finally done and twitching through the last little bright pulse of
pleasure, he opens his eyes and sees Ryan looking at him, his hand anchoring
Spencer with a grip curving around Spencer's ribs.
"I was," Ryan pants. "I was gonna do you." He has the dildo on the bed beside
him, and Spencer absentmindedly thinks about making him put it somewhere else
so it doesn't dirty up the sheets, but then he sees the open tube of lube lying
squished under his own leg, so he doesn't bother.
"Yeah," Spencer says, fighting through the lightheaded swirliness of his head
to speak. "You could try being less hot?"
It's not that funny, but Ryan still laughs, a breathless chuckle that makes his
body shake weakly. Then he pulls Spencer closer. "I think," he says after
looking like he's pondering something deep for a few moments, "that I maybe
like guys too. Experiments are definitely pointing toward... that. I think."
Spencer giggles at that - he can't help himself, fuck anything Ryan says about
it. Ryan slaps Spencer's head with the back of his hand, awkwardly. Spencer
twists around and offers Ryan the box of tissues.
They clean up in silence. Spencer pulls his pants back up and thinks he feels
better than last time. More in control. Maybe it has something to do with doing
it to Ryan, instead of Ryan doing it to him, although when Spencer looks at
Ryan, Ryan doesn't seem bothered at all. But then, Spencer reminds himself,
Ryan has had loads of sex, if not quite sex like this, so he must be used to
it.
Spencer puts the cap back on the lube and grimaces at how much of it has leaked
out onto the sheets. He tries not to care and lies down, turning off the lights
and pulling the covers up over himself and Ryan, who is still naked.
"I'm sore," Ryan says into the darkness.
Spencer turns around to face him. "Um. I'm sorry," he says.
"No. It's, it's kind of nice," Ryan says.
Spencer can see him pretty clearly in the dark, and he doesn't think Ryan is
bullshitting, even though Spencer has a hard time thinking of anything that
hurts as 'nice'. "Okay," he says.
Ryan must have heard the doubt in his voice because he keeps going. "It's like,
I know why it feels like that, and it makes me think of, um, the reason."
"What?" Spencer asks, because he seriously can't understand what Ryan's talking
about.
Ryan wiggles until he's facing the wall. The he reaches back for Spencer's arm
and pulls it around himself. He's quiet for a long while, and Spencer almost
stops waiting for an answer. It's nice to lie like this. They used to, when
they were kids, but that was a long time ago. It feels different to Spencer now
- more like he's holding Ryan and protecting him from something.
"I liked it," Ryan says quietly.
Spencer blinks, because yes, he'd gotten that.
"I want to do it again," Ryan continues, and Spencer tightens his grip around
Ryan's waist, because he doesn't think he wants more right this minute, even
though more would be great at some point. "Not tonight, but I want it again,
soon."
"Okay," Spencer says, because it's not like that would be a hardship. Ryan is
really hot.
"I think." Ryan is a little tense again against Spencer. "I want, we could do
it for real."
Spencer's eyes widen. That's not what he expected. Ryan is doing a lot of
things Spencer doesn't expect tonight. He's growing steadily more tense in
Spencer's arms and Spencer realizes he hasn't said anything.
"Yeah. Yeah, we could... do that. If you want."
"Only if you want it, too," Ryan says into Spencer's bedroom wall.
"Um, definitely," Spencer says. "Definitely. Yeah." His thoughts are spinning.
If Ryan wants to... have actual sex with him, then. Maybe Spencer isn't such a
loser virgin after all. Or at all. He's not sure what counts. Maybe he'd better
wait until they have real sex to make sure.
Ryan squirms, and Spencer loosens his grip so Ryan can turn around. Ryan's eyes
are almost black in the darkness of Spencer's bedroom, but he thinks he can see
a glint of light reflected from the window. Ryan inches closer, and closer
still, until Spencer can't focus on his face anymore, and then he realizes what
Ryan's doing.
Spencer tilts his head at the last moment, and then they're kissing, soft,
quiet little kisses that stay soft, not leading into anything else. When Ryan
pulls back again, Spencer kind of wants to bury his face in the side of Ryan's
neck, against his hair, and never come out again.
"If you want," Ryan repeats.
Spencer looks at Ryan, at the way his hair is sticking up in a crazy angle, and
at his face, the way it hides what Ryan is thinking again. Except now, Spencer
thinks he knows what Ryan is thinking.
"I want," he says.
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