Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5635564.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Rape/Non-Con,
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Gundam_Wing
  Relationship:
      Duo_Maxwell/Heero_Yuy
  Series:
      Part 1 of The_Road_to_Kindness
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-01-04 Updated: 2016-01-10 Chapters: 9/? Words: 118605
****** Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows ******
by Shinigamiinochi
Summary
     Side fic to The Road to Kindness. Poisoned Memories focuses on the
     stories of Amaaya, Shi, Solo, Alex, Yuki, and Aluxiel and runs
     alongside TRTK. Ghosts and Shadows is Shi story.
     Shi had the perfect family, a loving mother and father, and a little
     brother that he cherished. But when he meets his grandfather who
     forces him to make a choice between his own welfare and his brothers,
     Shi finds his world, and his sanity, being torn apart.
***** Part 1 *****
Poisoned Memories
Story 1: Ghost and Shadows
 
Author's Note: First, an explanation. This story and arc are a little bit
different in that the main focus and protagonists are not on Gundam Wing
characters (with the exception of Solo's story). Poisoned Memories focuses on
the back stories and events surrounding original characters from The Road to
Kindness, specifically Amaaya, Alex and Aluxiel, Shi, Solo, and Yuki. Poisoned
Memories runs along side TRTK and in later chapters, you will see things from
these character's perspectives, including events that are not elaborated on in
the main story or are missing entirely. It is meant to run in tandem with TRTK
and enrich it, explain things that Duo and the other main characters don't get
to witness. For example, what is going on with Wes' empire in Chapter 8, and
sort out some of Duo's memory gaps that aren't looked into in the main story.
The stories in PM are also meant as a kind of foil to Duo's story, to show how
people in similar circumstances made different choices and how things could
have turned out for him.
Because PM focuses on original characters, I don't expect it to be very
popular, but I hope the writing and characters stand for themselves. Like TRTK,
PM is an incredibly dark story. It features child abuse, rape, murder, intense
violence, angst, incest, and other subject matters that are not for the faint
of heart. Ghost and Shadows focuses on Shi's life, how he lost his family and
what happened to him to turn him from the kind and gentle child that he was to
the unrepentant killer in TRTK.
Ghosts and Shadows is a rather large story itself. The warnings are as follows:
murder, death of major characters, pretty much every kind of sex you can
imagine including gay, straight, threesomes, underaged, ect, fetishism, BDSM,
torture, gore, rape, angst, and probably more (Shi has led a very rich life,
lol).
Also some fan art, because Shi is pretty much the reason this story exists (I
love writing him so much that he keeps popping up in my stories) (art is safe
for work, but there is blood): https://www.furaffinity.net/view/16888906/ 
That's pretty much what you're in for right there. Reading PM is not necessary
to understand what is going on in TRTK and vice versa, but you will miss out on
a few things.
 
Part 1
 
    “Don’t crash the car or anything,” Anjaleque Matthews teased her husband
Jonathan as he tried to edge the dark blue minivan into the right lane of
traffic. Jonathan rolled his eyes at his wife good-naturedly as his older son,
Shi, giggled in the back seat. His dad was the most careful driver on the
planet, he wouldn’t ever crash the car, everyone knew that. Well, everyone but
his little brother, Eirie, who was sitting next to him, but he was only two and
didn’t know all the things that Shi did at seven years old. Outside the car, it
was raining out, but even if it weren’t, Jonathan was careful, waiting for a
sure gap to pull the car into the right lane. Shi looked over at Eirie, who was
fiddling with the zipper on his jacket and smiled at how, with him sitting
behind their mom and Shi sitting behind their dad, it was like they could see
through time, to who they would be when they were all grown up like their
parents were.
    Shi was blonde like his daddy, he even wore his shoulder-length hair in a
loose ponytail like him, though his eyes weren’t green, they were a strange
blood-red. Shi didn’t know why his eyes were a color that no one else’s were.
His mom always said it was something he would understand when he was older, but
that didn’t make him feel better every time he looked in the mirror, or when he
went to school and knew that, whenever someone looked him in eye, he knew that
they were thinking that he was different, a freak. But he wasn’t sad about it.
How could he be? He didn’t have any friends, but he had only been lonely before
Eirie had been born. Boys in class said that little brothers were always
annoying and stupid, but Shi loved his baby brother, he was probably more fun
to play with than other kids his age anyway.
    Eirie was the reason why he couldn’t be sad about his eyes, or that he
didn’t have any friends, because he had weird eyes like him. While it was true
that Shi looked a lot like his dad, he even had long legs like him, Eirie was a
splitting image of their mother. He was a redhead like her, pale, and his eyes
were large, a violet-blue color that was the exact shade of their mom’s. Their
mom always called him her little fox, but Shi thought he looked more like a
little elf than a little fox. He was cute, if little brothers could be cute,
and Shi did like him, just like he liked his mom and dad, even though he was
five years older. He remembered when his mom got pregnant and his Auntie Ursula
had told him over and over that it was only natural for a little boy like him
to be jealous of a new baby in the house, but the odd thing was… he had never
been jealous of his little brother, even when all sorts of grownups warned him
that his parents couldn’t spend as much time with him, he had never been
jealous. He still wasn’t.
    Even if he had been, when they had brought his brother home from the
hospital, he couldn’t be any longer. His Auntie Ursula, who he had never liked,
even if his dad did tell him that she was his mother’s big sister, had stayed
for that week and had warned his parents against letting him be around Eirie,
had said that a little kid like him didn’t know how to handle a baby. That had
made him wonder if she hadn’t handled his mom well when she was little. He
didn’t think his mom and Auntie Ursula got along well, either, because she had
given her a mean look when she had said that and had defiantly handed Eirie
over to Shi. Two years later, Shi could still remember how that had felt. He
remembered how good it had felt, knowing that his mother trusted him, and the
sort of responsibility she had put on him, to make her right, to prove his
worthy of that trust, and that he could handle holding a baby.
    Shi remembered how small Eirie had been that day, smaller than a doll, his
head already almost completely covered in downy, fiery hair. Shi had been
terrified to hold his little brother, afraid he would drop him or Eirie would
start to cry, but the baby had continued to sleep peacefully in his arms and he
had felt this strange feeling in his gut, like he had this weird power, and
also a resolve that he would never drop him, that he could be responsible like
his mommy and daddy and could make everything better if Eirie started to cry.
    Shi smiled to himself as Eirie continued to fiddle with his zipper and
their father finally pulled out. Church was Shi’s least favorite things in the
world to do, he would rather get a shot than sit in those uncomfortable pews,
listening to the old pastor rambling on about Jesus and God and all sorts of
boring things that never changed a single bit week after week. It didn’t help
when he started to talk about beating the ‘red-eyed devils’ in every day life
and Shi thought about his own red eyes and the things kids whispered when they
thought he couldn’t hear, or just simply didn’t care if he did hear or not. He
didn’t know why he had to go anyway. His dad didn’t like going, Shi was just a
kid, but even he could tell that his dad only went because his mom wanted to be
there, but he didn’t understand why she wanted to go, either.
    He would watch as his mother would politely shake hands with the other
people in church and would put a bit of money in the offering plate, and would
even pray when the pastor told them to, but when she did it, she just looked
sad and Shi couldn’t figure out why. He also couldn’t figure out why anyone
would do something like that again and again when they looked like they wanted
to be anywhere but there, like his mommy did every Sunday. But she still made
them go. It was strange because, as soon as they left Church, she would be
herself again, happy and loving, and she’d never mention God. He knew that
Auntie Ursula prayed a lot, but his mother only ever did it in Church and when
they sat down at Thanksgiving and Christmas, they would say grace, like Auntie
Ursula wanted them to, but when it was his mother’s turn to say it, she never
mentioned God, which made his Aunt give her a hateful look. Shi knew that it
was just one of those adult things he would never understand until he became
one of them.
    Shi grabbed Eirie’s hand to keep him from playing with his zipper anymore.
Eirie looked at him with his deep eyes and Shi thought that he liked Eirie’s
color a lot better than his own. Violet was prettier than blood-red. All their
aunts and uncles had cooed over Eirie’s eye color when he had been a baby. They
had said that it was beautiful and Shi agreed. He didn’t think anyone had ever
called his eyes ‘beautiful’ before. But he wasn’t jealous or anything like
that, he just really liked that color was all.
    “What flavor are you going to get?” Shi asked, trying to keep his little
brother excited and awake. He knew the muddled head feeling you got after
sitting in church for an hour and Eirie had the habit of falling asleep in the
car, bored of trying to sit still in the pews, though their father usually gave
Eirie some paper and markers to doodle with. Shi always noticed how some
ladies, usually the really older ones or the ones with kids of their own, would
glare at their parents, like a little kid drawing in church was forbidden. Shi
thought that was silly. Eirie was just a kid, barely older than a baby, he
didn’t have any sins and he had the rest of his life to be sorry for stuff. He
shouldn’t have to worry about Heaven and Hell until he was old enough to get
it, or, like Shi, old enough to think that maybe stuff like that was just made
up, because all the guys in the Bible knew God was there, He spoke to them, and
they felt good and safe because of Him, but Shi had never talked to God, he
only felt safe when he was with his Momma or Daddy, and besides, if God really
loved him, why would he make him look like one of the demons in the Bible?
    Shi often wondered why their mom didn’t scold Eirie and their dad for
letting him draw, if all those other women thought it was so bad, but she only
stroked his hair, like she always did, and let him draw. Maybe she just
realized that, if Eirie didn’t have something to play with, he would only get
restless, or maybe she didn’t think it was important for Eirie to listen to
what the pastor had to say like those other women did, but if that were true,
why did she make them go to Church at all?
    “I’m going to get chocolate,” Shi told his little brother with a grin.
Eirie smiled widely at him, the smile of a small child that could feel only one
thing at a time, either ultimate happiness or ultimate sorrow.
    “Strawberry!” the redhead cheered, his sleepy, bored mind starting to wake
up at the promise of treats. Shi playfully stuck his tongue out at him.
    “Yuck!” he said.
    “Nu-uh!” Eirie protested, “Strawberry’s the best!”
    “But you always get strawberry!” Shi pointed out, “Don’t you ever want to
try something different?”
    “Nope!” his little brother said stubbornly.
    “But why not?” Shi prodded, “What if you’re missing something really good?”
    “Because I love strawberry!” Eirie told him, “If I love it, why should I
change it?”
    “But you could find you love something else even better,” Shi teased.
    “But I love you and I don’t want you toever change!” Eirie said with a
bright look, “Even if I get another brother, it won’t be you, so I won’t ever
love him as much!”
    Shi shook his head, using his bangs to shield the blush and shy look in his
eyes. Eirie was always saying weird stuff like that. It should have annoyed
him, all that mushy stuff, but it only made his heart feel oddly warm, like it
would burst or something. It made him want to hold his little brother tight. It
made him wish that Eirie would never grow up. Auntie Ursula had told him that,
too, that when people got older, they changed and became strangers unless you
watched them really closely. If that were true and one day, Eirie would grow up
and not love him anymore, he wanted his baby brother to stay just the way he
was. But to a kid like him, growing up was something that seemed impossible and
inevitable at the same time. It seemed like you had forever, but you still knew
that one day, you would be all grown up and you couldn’t ever become little
again.
    Shi ruffled Eirie’s red hair.
    “Dummy,” he said affectionately, “If you keep eating the same ice cream
over and over, you’ll turn into a strawberry!”
    Eirie gave him a wide eyed look, like he was considering that this might
actually happen to him. Shi wiped the fearful look off his face, all the while
feeling terribly guilty that he had teased him in the first place, tickling
Eirie’s sides and making the two year old screech and laugh.
    Anjaleque, using the mirror to look at the back seat, smiled fondly at the
antics of her two sons. She and Jonathan had been blessed with Shi and Eirie,
but she felt especially blessed. The two brothers were closer and more
affectionate than she had ever been with her own family. Her father had been a
strict man, almost violent in his stubbornness and resolve to raise his three
children as he had seen fit. It was this domineering, almost chauvinistic
personality that had driven a firm wedge between her strong willed parents.
When her older brother, Odin, had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia
and her father, belonging to a wealthy and well respected, old money family,
had been too proud to admit his only son to a mental hospital, it had been the
last straw for her mother and she had fled. Anjaleque hadn’t heard from her
since then, though Shi and Eirie got cards, money, and gifts from her in the
mail during birthdays and holidays.
    By the time Odin had started to show enough violent behavior that he could
no longer take care of himself, Anjaleque’s eldest sibling, Ursula, had already
been married with a family, so, her father had placed the responsibility of
looking after her brother on Anjaleque’s shoulders. She, like any good, little
sister, had loved her big brother, but she had also hated both him and her
father for putting such a task on her, a teenager at the time, effectively
destroying her life with friends and school. Her sister had called her ‘noble’
for taking care of their sick brother and Anjaleque had known, even back then,
that the only thing keeping Odin halfway human was her continuous, gentle
presence and yet… She had hated him, not just his illness, but him.
    She had hated her brother’s love for her, his neediness and reliance, how
Odin had seen her as his saving grace when, in reality, all Anjaleque wanted
was her life back. So, when she had met Jonathan Matthews at a café on an
errand to get her brother’s medicine and the blonde had shown an interest in
her, Anjaleque had clung to his strong presence for dear life, wanting a sort
of reminder that she was still a young woman with desires and dreams, not just
a subservient daughter or her brother’s keeper. She had flirted with him,
letting him buy her coffee, what she hadn’t expected was how much more mature
Jonathan had been than his age, how he had seen her pain, and how quickly she
would fall in love with his patient acceptance of her fears and sorrows.
    Jonathan had created for her the escape she had always been looking for.
Maybe she had been looking for it even before her brother had fallen sick.
Maybe… the path she had found herself on, her brother getting sick, her mother
leaving, her father becoming more and more controlling… maybe it had always
been inevitable, but whatever the case, her brother’s illness had only shown
Anjaleque that she was ill suited for her mother’s life, she could not just do
what she was told when, somehow, she knew that she wanted something else. Until
she had met Jonathan, she hadn’t even known what that something was, but she
had known it was not babysitting her brother and acting like her father’s wife,
or servant. When she and Jonathan had, secretly, started to date, it was like
the veil had been lifted from her eyes. She had wanted, not just to fall in
love, but to meet someone else in the world, someone who wasn’t a part of her
family, someone she could share her life and feelings with.
    Becoming an unwed mother was, to any teenaged girl, a nightmare, but for
Anjaleque, it had come as a blessing. Being told by her doctor that she was
indeed pregnant, and seeing that proof on her lab work, she had finally found
the strength to finally see the future in front of her. She had never been so
shallow as to use her unborn baby as an excuse to finally find her own way, but
she had been struck by a strange strength that she had never known she had
possessed. She had known, in that very instant, without any contemplation or
hesitation, that she would be keeping her baby, whether her father and her
boyfriend wanted her to. Still, when Jonathan had found out and, instead of
being angry at his sudden responsibility, he had swept her up in his arms out
of pure joy, she had been filled with an incredible happiness. She had known
that her father would have no such reaction, even at the thought of having a
grandchild, but with Jonathan’s excitement, and the sight of him getting on one
knee to propose to her, she hadn’t cared.
    They could have eloped, just to spare themselves the pain and awkwardness
of informing her father of their marriage and her pregnancy, Jonathan had
suggested this more than once, well aware of Anjaleque’s feelings towards her
father, but his proposal, his insistence that they do things right, for the
sake of their child, had made her realize that she wanted to do things right,
too, and she didn’t want to rob her unborn baby of a grandfather without even
trying. As scared as she was of her father, she wanted him to be a part of her
baby’s life. She couldn’t understand it herself, as much as she hated her
father for what he had done to her, for driving her mother away with his
forcefulness and ignorance, he was still her father and she loved him. She knew
that she would be consumed with guilt if she denied him the chance to know his
grandchild.
    Predictably, her father had been furious when he had been told about both
the marriage and the child, though Anjaleque, even now, didn’t know which one
he had been angrier over. In her father’s eyes, her being associated with a
middle class man like Jonathan, who not only came from a normal family, but
also had no exceptional aspirations, was a terrible thing. He considered the
child growing in her abdomen to be just as terrible as Jonathan and had
demanded for her to get rid of it, as well as call everything off with
Jonathan. As Anjaleque glanced over at her husband as they pulled into the
parking lot of the ice cream shop they always visited after church, she
wondered if, had her father learned about Jonathan before she had become
pregnant, and had demanded that she never see him again, if she would have done
so, before they had gotten so deeply involved. Anjaleque studied her husband’s
face, his green eyes, and long blonde hair and smiled.
    No, she decided right then, even before she had gotten pregnant, she never
would have done what she was told in that case. And in the end, what had
happened had happened. She and Jonathan had gotten married, quietly, but not
exactly in secret. Anjaleque had invited her family, but only Ursula had shown
up. Even Jonathan’s parents, though Anjaleque had always been aware of his and
his father’s strained relationship, had come. In fact, they had owed his
parents a bit of debt since they had been the ones to pay for the whole thing.
She knew that they would have had the cheapest wedding possible, but Jonathan’s
mother had refused to let her son’s wedding be anything but proper.
    Jonathan’s mother wasn’t the only one who had bailed them out in their
decision to live on their own. Anjaleque hadn’t gone to college yet, but
Jonathan had a bit of money saved away. However, in between the prospect of
getting their own place and preparations for the birth of their first son, they
had been anxious about money. It had seemed like a gift from heaven when, after
all day of searching for an apartment that they couldn’t even afford, they had
received the check in the mail, but with the message on the piece of paper that
had come with the check… “I love you” and “Be happy”, she knew it had come from
her estranged mother.
    She couldn’t even begin to understand why her mother would do such a thing.
Perhaps she had felt guilty about abandoning her family, or maybe the payment
on their first real home had simply been an act of ‘screw you’ to her ex-
husband, Anjaleque still couldn’t be sure. She did know that her mother never
doted on Ursula’s children like she did on Shi and Eirie, so who knew her
intentions. It sure made it seem that her mother was still attacking her father
by favoring her husband’s unwanted grandchildren, and if she really loved them
so much, why did she never stop by? Shi, especially, had asked her time and
time again why they never got to see his grandmother and Anjaleque had no
answers for him. Maybe one day she would tell him why neither of his
grandparents ever visited, but she thought he was still far too young for that.
As it was, her mother’s actions were confusing at the very least, it was almost
as if she were afraid of her ex-husband, something that Anjaleque couldn’t
understand. Yes, he was controlling and forceful, but to her knowledge, he had
never hit her mother, so if she was afraid, Anjaleque couldn’t see why.
    One night, in the later years of her brother’s insanity, Anjaleque had been
watching over him as his behavior had gotten more and more violent and erratic.
That night, he had whispered to her that their family was cursed. At the time,
she had filed it away as one of his many nonsensical ramblings, but it had
haunted her. That strange notion had followed her all of her life. In the light
of day the next morning, she had pondered over it, wondering if her brother
knew something that she didn’t, but she gave up on that train of thought
easily, not because she thought it was ridiculous, but because, the same now as
back then, it had scared her.
    Despite her hesitance in giving any truth to her brother’s belief, when she
had finally escaped her father and brother’s hold over her, she had had the
thought, the crazy, excited thought, that she had escaped the curse, and though
it was crazy, she had felt so incredibly relieved. Then, Shi had been born and
her brother’s words had come rushing back in a frenzied, terrifying torrent. It
was strange, at the same moment her baby had opened his eyes and she had had
that thought, she had been scared, but at the same time, she had felt this
incredible love for him. Her terror had not been of being drawn back into the
misfortune of her family, it had been for her son.
    Shi’s eyes were red, clearly a different color than hers, but the cause of
it was the same. It was a genetic flaw, a flaw that mutated color pigment,
usually in the eyes, but sometimes the hair or skin as well. She had learned,
many, many years ago that her own violet eyes could be traced back to her
father’s strange, golden-red ones, a pigment that looked like a deep,
unsettling orange, like a sunset or harvest moon. In turn, her brother’s eyes
had been a golden yellow. Her mother and older sister had escaped this
mutation, though Anjaleque did not know if all of her mother’s family were
clean of it, Ursula having black hair and black eyes and her mother’s brown
locks and blue eyes were very normal coming from European descendants. So, when
she had learned of her first born son’s strange eye color, not an orange-red
like her father, but actually the color of blood or rubies, she had been
frightened because… if pigment mutation ran rampant in her family, what about
her brother’s illness? Knowing about her father’s forcefulness, his almost
obsession with control, and her brother’s schizophrenia, in her younger years,
she had worried that their strange color eyes also meant that something was
wrong with their minds.
    But… her father wasn’t insane like her brother had been… right? He could be
obsessive, but he wasn’t crazy. Still, she had waited through her teenage years
for the other shoe to drop, only to be immensely relieved to turn out normal,
sane, though, if you were crazy, you would be the last person to know it,
wouldn’t you? But Jonathan would have known. Then, Shi was born and she had
someone else’s sanity to worry about. It seemed like a vicious cycle and she
had worried, as she had watched them clean off her newborn baby, if she was
destined to forever play nursemaid to someone who could not even tell the
difference between their fantasies and reality.
    Odin had always been distant from their parents and Ursula, yet he had, for
reasons Anjaleque couldn’t see, had connected with her, unhealthily, almost
like he had been obsessed with her. She had seen the signs, even as a child, so
when she was informed of her baby’s eye color, she had been watchful. Then,
something wonderful had happened. The nurse had handed her, her baby and this
intense feeling of protectiveness and maternity had filled her and she no
longer cared about mental illness or mutation. Her baby had been beautiful, was
still beautiful, and she vowed to love him no matter what. He was hers and
Jonathan’s and, she was sure, everything would be alright.
    Her fears had followed her, though more subdued, when they had brought Shi
home with them. It had been Jonathan that had named him. Before he had met her,
he had served three years in the army, one year in Japan and two in Africa, but
he had felt happiest when he had been in Japan and had felt an affinity with
the small village he had been posted at. Anjaleque had had no problems with
naming their child a Japanese name and when Jonathan had told her that ‘shi’
meant many things, including pride and to remember, she had agreed. The exotic
name had suited the baby somehow and she hadn’t been worried that the name was
so rare, even in a mixed city like New York.
    The move from rural Montana to New York had been strange for her. Anjaleque
had never been outside of her home town and was nervous to move to some huge,
bustling city, but Jonathan had known that all the best jobs were in large
cities and it was the best place to get a career for them. Still, the images of
a crime ridden city like New York that her father had painted had made her
anxious. For the first year of Shi’s life, they had lived in a little, but
functional, apartment in the heart of the city and Anjaleque had had a hard
time adjusting to it. She had shuddered to think of her baby growing up without
knowing what trees and silence were like. But, to Anjaleque’s surprise, one of
the main reasons why they had moved to New York was because of his uncle, who
worked for the Pentagon, but was also deeply involved with the NYC council and
had given Jonathan a job there. Within a year and a half, Jonathan had secured
enough networks and connections for them to move to the suburbs, into their
current home, and get a well-paying job.
    It had seemed like one surreal dream after another, getting their house,
Jonathan getting a job as one of the Mayor’s aids, her getting a job at the
local high school, only a ten minute drive from their home… it had seemed too
perfect for her, almost like she had died and was living in heaven, an
illusion, but she hadn’t cared whether it was real or not. For the first time
since her brother had fallen ill, she felt like she was home. To make things
even better, Anjaleque quickly realized that her fears concerning her son would
never become real. Shi was far from what her brother had been, even at almost
two years old. He smiled at them, chattered and hugged them constantly. He was
bright at his age, already stumbling around and trying to find the right words
to name things, but more importantly, he acted like a normal, happy child.
This… connected, loving, normal behavior continued even when Eirie had been
born.
    Shi had been four and a half and Anjaleque had learned she was pregnant
again when she had received her first and, to this day, last phone call from
her father. She had been shocked enough just to hear from him, not knowing how
he had gotten her phone number. The only thing more shocking than how he had
gotten a hold of her had been what he had told her. Her brother had killed
himself. Through the haze of shock, Anjaleque had heard the furious tone in her
father’s voice and had realized, in repulsion and bitterness, that he was more
angry at her betrayal, at her not being there for her brother like he had
demanded, than the fact that his son was dead. She had truly hated him in that
moment, in his ravings that she was responsible for her brother’s death, that
she might as well have killed him herself. His accusations had filled her with
guilt and she had hated that he still had the power to do that to her. She had
hated that he still filled her with such fear that she couldn’t retort that, if
he hadn’t been so proud, Odin would have been in a hospital that could have
helped him, it was her father that had killed him, not her!
    She had been so furious at her father for his ignorance, stubbornness, and
blame that, a week later, when he had called her asking to see his
grandchildren, she had denied him, saying that if she saw him, she would have
him arrested. She regretted it now, realizing that her father had been trying
to reach out to some of the only family he had had left, but she had been so
angry, and filled with remorse about her brother’s death. She still felt
conflicted about it, hating him for his illness, yet loving him because, at one
point, they had been so close, the best at friends, before both of their worlds
had gone to hell.
    Anjaleque glanced back at her two sons. They really were so much different
than how she had been with her siblings. She and Ursula had fought all the
time, but Eirie and Shi never did, they were connected at the hip, but not like
how Odin had attached himself to her, their love for each other was healthy and
beautiful for a mother to watch. Shi was so protective of his little brother,
not jealous or dominating, and was so patient with him, answering all of his
questions. Anjaleque felt like her youngest had another father, Shi even
checked Eirie’s closet and bed for monsters when they went to bed and read to
him.
Jonathan and Anjaleque got out of the car to get the boys their ice cream. They
knew how much their sons hated going to church, especially so early in the
morning, but the ice cream had become as much a tradition as church, a reward
for the boys not being as rambunctious as some of the other children in the
congregation. With his strawberry ice cream in hand, Eirie seemed to wake up a
bit more, his legs kicking in mid air happily as he ate his treat quickly, as
any child too young to worry about ‘brain freeze’ would. Shi was more sedate,
but by the time they pulled into their street, his chocolate was gone as well.
    Shi’s attention was suddenly caught by a moving van parked two houses over
from their house and a green sedan that was in the driveway that had been
vacant for as long as the young blonde could remember. His boredom and sweet
tooth was long forgotten as his curiosity flared at the sight of something new
and exciting.
    “Oh, it looks like the house finally sold,” Anjaleque mused, “I thought it
would be empty forever.”
    “It’s hard selling a house in the suburbs in this economy,” Jonathan
pointed out, words that Shi didn’t understand, but it still made him feel
anxious for some reason.
    “Can we meet them?” Shi asked excitedly. Anjaleque turned in her seat and
ruffled her older son’s golden hair.
    “Maybe later,” she told him, “They’re probably bringing their furniture and
things in. We don’t want to overwhelm them. We’ll go over after dinner
tonight.”
    Shi nodded happily. It seemed like nothing changed on their street, in
Shi’s life, so the idea of someone moving in so close to him was definitely
something to look forward to. He jumped out of the car, going around to the
other side to help Eirie out, a task that his parents didn’t have to remind him
about. As soon as their father had unlocked the front door, the two boys were
racing up the steps, eager to shed their church clothes so they could go
outside and play. Shi was especially eager because of a concept that Eirie did
not have to deal with for another three years: he had school tomorrow. Soon,
the weekend would be over and he would have to sit in the stuffy classroom,
writing cursive and math in those silly little blue books they handed out, his
only reprieve gym class and recess. Worst of all, he would have to be around
his class mates.
    Shi helped Eirie get his own play clothes on and they were off running
again, Shi opening the back door for his smaller brother.
    “Ma, we’re going out to the field!” Shi yelled.
    “Alright, watch out for your brother!” Anjaleque called from the kitchen,
making herself a sandwich.
    “I will!” Shi promised, closing the door behind him.
*****
    The back of the Matthews’ house was surrounded by a white picket fence,
keeping out the rabbits that frequented the area from feasting on their
mother’s garden. They had a small swing set, but Eirie ran to the latched fence
door, which Shi opened for him. Beyond the fence was a huge field, alive with
wildflowers that were blooming prettily in the spring temperature. In the
winter, the field was hilly and perfect for sledding. Across the field, towards
the bottom was even a small pond that froze easily. As they ran out into the
array of wildflowers and fluttering butterflies, the sun shining brightly in
the powdered blue sky, Shi spotted a group of kids playing tag ahead of them.
Before Shi could do anything, Eirie was running towards them, eager to play
with them. Shi kept up with the two year old easily, watching to make sure he
didn’t fall.
    The group of kids stopped playing as they saw Shi approaching with his baby
brother and immediately, with looks of annoyance, started to disperse. Shi and
Eirie paused, watching them in disappointment.
    “Stupid Demon,” Shi heard one boy mutter too loudly to be discrete. Shi’s
chest tightened in pain at the nickname as he watched them start to leave.
    “I’m sorry,” he said mournfully to Eirie, who looked sad. Shi realized that
he had really been looking forward to playing with them. If he hadn’t been
here, Eirie would have had fun… Suddenly, Eirie looked angry as he watched the
other kids go.
    “He’s not a demon! YOU’RE the demon, you’re just too stupid to see it!” his
little brother screamed at them, tears streaming down his face at how upset he
was.
    The boy who had insulted Shi whirled and glared at the little redhead.
    “Who do you think you’re talking to, Baby?” he snarled. Shi grabbed Eirie’s
arm and pulled him back.
    “Eirie, don’t,” he whispered, afraid that the boy would try to start a
fight. Eirie pouted at him, but let Shi lead him back a bit, waiting for the
group to leave.
    “I don’t care what they say,” Eirie sniffed, “You’re not a demon, you’re a
lion!”
    Shi blinked at him, his fair skin blushing at his brother’s image of him.
It wasn’t the first time his brother had called him that, but it wasn’t the
first time he had been called ‘demon’, either. ‘Demon’… ‘devil’… he had been
called those things ever since he had first started going to school. He had
looked in the mirror over and over again, had looked at his hateful red eyes
many times, and had often wondered if that was why he had no friends. Because
he looked like the Devil, like he was evil. But he didn’t feel evil! Still…
they were always teasing and bullying him about it, like he was bad, just
because his eyes were a weird color. Why should he have friends when they hated
him over something he couldn’t change? And yet, when they called him that, he
couldn’t help but wonder if they were right.
    “I’m not a lion, Eir’,” he protested. Eirie shook his head.
    “No, you’re a lion! I saw it on TV, they got’s red eyes and pretty gold
hair, just like you! And they’re big and strong and always protect their
family! So, you’re a lion, not a demon! You’re not like a demon at all!” Eirie
said vehemently.
    Shi couldn’t help but give his little brother a small smile, his chest
feeling warm and peaceful instead of tight and cold. He ruffled his hair, but
Eirie only grinned at him.
    “It’s ‘have’ not ‘got’s’, dummy,” he teased lightly, “Now, you wanna catch
butterflies?” he tried to soothe the hurt of having no one to play with but
each other, though that suited him just fine. Eirie nodded excitedly.
    “Butterflies!” he screamed excitedly and ran off, already spotting a bright
blue and yellow one darting from flower to flower.
    A lion, really? Did Eirie really see him like that? It made him feel… proud
of himself, happy, and confident. He had never really thought of himself as
strong or big. He just felt small and unimportant. He couldn’t even raise his
hand in class without feeling a deep fear that someone would call him those
painful names. But Eirie didn’t think he was evil, he thought he was something
good, something that could protect him, and what Eirie thought was the only
thing that mattered. He was the only friend he had, the only one, besides his
parents, that really loved him, so his opinion was the only one he should
listen to. If Eirie didn’t doubt him… he couldn’t ever do something to make him
doubt him. Not ever.
    He smiled softly as he watched his little brother happily chase after the
multitude of butterflies. He couldn’t remember when he had been that young.
Yeah, he knew he was just a kid, but Eirie wasn’t bothered by anything. He
didn’t care that they never saw their relatives, except for Aunt Ursula. He
didn’t care that neither of them had any friends. He didn’t care, or perhaps
even realize, that their eyes were different colors from everyone else but
their Mom’s. He wished he could be like that. He wished that he didn’t have
weird thoughts in his head, these weird worries that he didn’t even understand.
Eirie acted like nothing in the world bothered him, like any kid his age should
act, like how Shi should act, or so his Aunt told him frequently when he asked
her strange questions, like why the people on TV talked about the evils of two
guys holding hands or why everyone was so worried about the mysterious entity
called the ‘economy’. And yet… when Shi was called names, Eirie cried like the
world was coming to the end. It made Shi feel so happy, and so sad, all at the
same time. Just another thing he didn’t understand. It made him feel
frustrated, too, that he was supposedly too young for anyone to understand.
    A glint of light suddenly caught his eye and he turned to look towards a
nearby grove of trees. Leaning against a tree, twirling a golden pendant that
he wore around his neck, was a young blonde boy, a little older than him, or
perhaps his own age, it was hard to tell, he couldn’t even get a good look at
him considering how far away he was. At first Shi thought that he was part of
the group that had been playing tag and had simply decided to stay behind, but
he realized that, not only had the kid been standing there alone, completely
distant from the group, Shi had never seen him before.
    ‘He must belong to the family that’s moving in next door,’ Shi thought
excitedly. It was one thing to have new neighbors, but having a kid around his
own age was more than he could have hoped for.
    “Hey!” he called, waving over to the boy.
    The boy looked over at him shyly, but didn’t wave back or approach.
    “Shi!”
    Shi turned around at the alarmed tone in his brother’s voice, terrified
that he would find him hurt or that the boy from earlier had returned to attack
him, instead, Eirie was comically looking down his nose, his violet eyes huge
and wide, as a gold, purple, and blue butterfly perched perfectly on his nose,
its wings lethargically moving, completely at peace with the fact that it had
landed on a human, as though it were unafraid. Shi couldn’t help the shocked,
exuberant laugh that burst from his throat at the sight. Eirie was standing
completely still, scared that he would scare the delicate creature off.
    “It must be a magic butterfly,” a soft voice said from next to Shi.
    Shi stiffened at the sudden presence of the boy, it was like he had
teleported. More shocking than his presence, was his appearance. Shi studied
him, his face feeling hot, though he had no idea why. He wasn’t shy normally,
but he suddenly felt that way presented with a stranger. He was tall, like Shi
was, though Shi thought that the boy was slightly older than him, he was pale
like him, too. Oddly, he had long blonde hair, too, but his was very pale,
almost white, while Shi’s was more golden, and the kid’s hair was entwined in a
loose braid, not a ponytail. Suddenly, the boy glanced over at him and Shi felt
as frozen as his little brother was. The strange boy had two different colored
eyes. If that weren’t strange enough, they were colors that Shi had only ever
seen on his mother, or at least the right one was. No, actually it was a
different shade of purple, like lavender or something, not quite as bluish
purple as his mother and brother. His left was gold, like a cat’s eye, as gold
as the tiny pendant he wore over his black shirt.
    The boy noticed Shi entranced with his eyes and quickly looked away, a
blush as deep as Shi’s spreading over his fair cheeks. Shi saw that Eirie had
dared to look over at the strange boy, though he still wouldn’t move.
    “Either that,” the boy continued with a soft smile that made Shi’s heart
beat faster for some reason, “Or he really, really likes you.”
    “Really?” Eirie asked in a tiny voice, scared that the sound would make the
strange butterfly go away, “It likes me?”
    “That, or it’s not a butterfly at all,” the boy seemed to ponder. Eirie
looked confused, thinking that the concept that the butterfly could not be a
butterfly at all was a strange one.
    “But what else could it be?” he asked.
    “Maybe it’s really a fairy in disguise,” the boy said in an amused,
indulgent tone that their mother often used when she was telling Eirie bed time
stories. Shi didn’t realize that he often took on the same tone when he was
talking to his little brother.
    “A fairy?!” Eirie said excitedly.
    When the butterfly didn’t fly off at his loud exclamation, Eirie got the
courage to cup his hands around it. To their shock, the butterfly crawled into
the little boy’s hand, it’s wing fluttering slowly.
    “He must really, really love you,” the new boy said with a small laugh.
    Shi immediately thought that it was a nice laugh and was immensely glad
that the boy wasn’t too shy to be completely cold to them. Eirie lifted his
hands in the air and shook them.
    “Go on, Mr. Fairy, go find your family!” he said, giggling when the large
butterfly, almost obediently, fluttered off again.
    “So, where’d you hear all this fairy business from?” Shi asked the blonde
boy.
    The boy glanced at him with a strong shyness that made Shi feel bad for
him. The boy looked away again, so Shi was surprised when he spoke.
    “My father told me when I was his age,” the boy murmured, looking at Eirie,
who was still focused on the butterflies, “He said that butterflies were really
fairies in disguise and they took the pollen off the flowers to bring back to
their fairy queen. When she gets enough pollen, she makes glimmering, golden
gowns out of it. During the day, the gowns turn to daffodils. During the night,
they turn into stars in the sky. During the full moon, all the fairies wear the
gowns and throw great balls to celebrate all of the life and nature around
them.”
    Shi was mystified by the elegant story the boy told and had the sudden urge
to tell him that, if there was such thing as golden, fairy gowns, the strands
would look as pretty as his white-gold hair, but also thought he would die of
embarrassment if he actually said such a thing. He already felt embarrassed,
blushing a bright red, and he had only thought it. Boys’ hair wasn’t pretty,
only girls’, everyone knew that. But he still thought this kid’s was. Shi was
suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling of peace. He realized that he had never stood
side by side with another person like this, knowing that he wasn’t being judged
and the kid didn’t hate him. They had talked to each other! And Eirie looked so
happy… and Shi felt happy, which he supposed wasn’t so rare, but right now, it
just felt like so much. He wanted to hug his little brother and their new
neighbor, feeling incredibly glad that, not only were he and Shi getting along,
but this boy was getting along with his brother, too.
    “Vel!” a shrill, feminine voice broke through the mood in the air,
effectively destroying it, and the boy flinched. He looked at Shi with that
same shyness, but this time he opened his mouth to say something, only no sound
came. He closed his mouth just as quickly and ran off to the direction of his
house. Shi tried to say goodbye to him but, oddly, the words got caught in his
throat and he felt like he was struggling against some sort of strange,
oppressive force, like a fear that, if he reached out like that, the boy would
only throw it back in his face. It wouldn’t be the first time he had tried to
make a friend, only to learn that no one wanted him as one.
    Eirie ran to Shi’s side and grabbed his larger hand, clinging on to his
older brother.
    “He’s neat,” he chirped.
    Shi smiled down at him.
    “Yeah, I guess so,” he mused.
    “Can we meet him again tonight?” Eirie asked excitedly.
    “Maybe, we’ll have to ask Mom,” Shi pointed out.
    Eirie grinned at the prospect of meeting their new friend again and let go
of Shi to run over to their swing set. Shi chased after him, helping him onto
the swing and pushing him, but his mind staid on their new neighbors and the
odd colors of his eyes.
*****
    They never did get to the see the new neighbors. They had finished their
dinner, and after much insisting, Eirie had managed to convince their mother
that they should say hi, but when they had knocked on the door, no one had
answered it, the car in the driveway had disappeared, and the house had been
dark. Eirie had said it was a mystery and had gotten a little spooked at the
thought that the house might be haunted, but Shi assured him that they just
went out to dinner.
    Shi had a hard time sleeping that night. He lied awake for much longer than
he usually did, wondering about the blonde boy they had met. He was consumed by
the image of his different colored eyes, feeling a deep sense of hope and
excitement that, finally, there was someone else in his world besides his mom
and his brother that was different, like he was. The boy seemed lonely, too.
Shi was sure, with how shy the boy had acted, he would have a very hard time
finding friends. Selfishly, he hoped that he could be the boy’s first friend
and that they would see each other again soon.
    It seemed like he had only been asleep for a few seconds when he woke up
again. He opened his scarlet eyes to Eirie shaking him, his eyes wide with
fright and his pale cheeks covered in tears.
    “Shi, Shi!” the redhead was pleading.
    “What is it?” the blonde asked gruffly, still half asleep.
    “There’s a monster in my closet,” Eirie whispered, as though he thought the
creature would hear him.
    Shi didn’t complain or sigh at his distraught brother, he gathered him into
his arms and held him tight.
    “Hey,” he soothed, stroking the two year old’s brilliant, red hair, “It’s
ok, the monster can’t get you when I’m here, right?”
    Eirie nodded, burying his face in his older brother’s neck. He knew that
Shi would protect him from all the bad, scary things, but he was still
frightened.
    “It had gold eyes,” he murmured, sniffling a little.
    “Gold?” Shi asked, “You mean like McAllen’s black cat?”
    Eirie shook his head frantically, reveling in the strength of his brother,
trusting him to make him feel better and to make the monster go away.
    “No, like they were on fire,” he whispered, still scared of what he had
seen, “It was staring at me from my closet, it was watching me sleep. And there
was all this red, icky stuff everywhere.”
    Shi continued to stroke his hair, the pieces finally falling into place.
    “You just had a bad dream,” he told him, “I told you, Eir’, no monster is
ever going to get you.”
    Eirie sniffed.
    “But it was so scary,” he murmured.
    “I’m sure it was,” Shi gave him a soft smile, “But Mom will be really
worried if you’re not in your bed in the morning.”
    Eirie buried his head against Shi again and shook his head in denial.
    “No, I won’t go back there!” he cried.
    Shi lifted his little brother easily and rolled out of his bed and onto his
feet.
    “Alright, we’ll go together,” he negotiated.
    “You’ll check my closet for me?” Eirie asked him, though he already knew
the answer.
    “Of course I will. No stinkin’ monster is going to get my baby brother!”
Shi promised.
    “Not a baby,” the two year old pouted, but clung tight to his brother as
they left his bedroom and went to Eirie’s.
    The door had been flung open and Shi was surprised he hadn’t woken at the
sound. Similarly, Eirie’s sheets had been carelessly tossed aside in a rush. He
wasn’t surprised, though. His little brother often had vivid nightmares that he
had a hard time separating from reality. This wasn’t the first time that Eirie
had dreamt of blood and a fiery eyed monster in his closet, but Shi didn’t
think that Eirie realized it. Or maybe he just thought it was the same monster,
visiting him over and over again.
    Shi diligently put his little brother on his bed and checked the closet. He
made a big show of it, showing Eirie that there couldn’t possibly be anything,
even a stray mouse, in the small space.
    “See, nothing there,” he said. Eirie seemed to be less afraid, but his eyes
were still wide as he looked up at the blonde.
    “Can you sleep with me?” he asked in a small voice.
    This also was not the first time that the two brothers had ended up in bed
together over Eirie’s nightmares, but it didn’t bother Shi. It was a bit
comforting, like sleeping with a teddy bear, and he knew Eirie didn’t have bad
dreams when someone slept with him.
    “Sure thing,” he agreed.
    Shi grabbed the little desk chair Eirie had, closed the closet doors, and
wedged the door under the nob.
    “There, now no scary monster can ever get out,” he said as he slipped into
bed with the smaller boy.
    Eirie quickly curled up against him, feeling the last of his fear leave him
as his brother wrapped his arm around him.
    “Thanks, Shi,” he murmured sleepily.
    “Night, silly,” Shi said just as tiredly.
    Eirie fell asleep within seconds, making Shi smile fondly in the darkness
of the room, lit only by the lights streaming through the window from outside
and the little nightlight he had by the bed. Watching his little brother sleep
soundly, his nightmare long forgotten, Shi suddenly felt an overwhelming love
for him. He held him tightly, remembering the boy from earlier today that had
threatened him and he felt a rare rage combine with that love.
    For a moment, Shi was shocked by his own anger. He never threw temper
tantrums and was incredibly patient with kids younger than him, but if someone
did something bad to his parents or his brother, he would feel consumed with
this… fury, and it scared him. One night, back when Eirie had still been an
infant, his mother had come home very upset and had told their father that one
of her students had tried to feel her up during class. Their father had held
her and soothed her and she had been fine after that, but Shi had felt so
angry, he had run into his room and had punched the wall. He hadn’t even known
what his mom had been talking about, but her tone had been so sad, so different
and wrong, he had immediately hated that student, had even wanted him to die,
and he had, in turn, hated himself for thinking like that.
    He had never actually hurt anyone, though, and that was the important
thing, right? All he knew was, he loved his little brother more than anything
else in the world and if anyone hurt him… well, all he wanted to do was protect
Eirie, from the world if he had to. He remembered him as a baby, so vividly,
how he had rocked his tiny form when he had cried, how the baby had gripped at
his long bangs and had smiled at him. He wanted to protect that smile… no
matter what he had to do to do it.
*****
    Shi supposed that everyone in his school were ecstatic when Monday came
around and a teacher strike flared up, so classes were cancelled until further
notice, but when your mother was a teacher, it was hard to really enjoy the
reprieve. His mom seemed anxious that she wasn’t allowed to go to work, and
even though Shi didn’t really understand all of it, he knew that she was scared
about losing money, maybe even her job. He had no idea what was going to happen
if she did.
    Eirie, too young to even know what a strike was or why both his mother and
his brother were home, was just excited that Shi could play with him. He really
wanted to go to the park, but their mom said that she needed to stay by the
phone and their dad had to go into work. Eirie was also glad that his mom was
home so he didn’t have to go to work with his dad. His mom didn’t like hiring
babysitters and his dad had a great big office for him to play in, but it was
soooo boring. He’d rather go to school with Shi, so he could play with him
instead.
    Shi took his little brother out to the field again, feeling a thrill of
excitement at the idea that their new neighbor might be out there again, but he
was nervous. He was nervous that the empty house of last night was some sort of
omen and he would never see the other blonde again. He was also nervous that
hewould see him again and would make a fool of himself. For a moment, he
considered just telling Eirie that they would play on the swing set, but the
second he unlatched the fence door, Eirie was off running into the tall wheat
grass.
    There were no butterflies out today, as it was colder and the sky was
filled with a few grey clouds, but Eirie quickly found a group of grasshoppers
and amused himself with them. To Shi’s delight, his eyes quickly found the form
of the new boy, leaning against the same exact tree as yesterday. Shi felt a
small fear that the boy would run when he saw him, remembering how shy he had
been, but their eyes met and the boy staid, even as Shi ran up to him. The
small smile the boy wore when he saw him made Shi’s heart feel weird, tight and
hot at the same time.
    “Hey,” Shi greeted with a wide smile.
    “Hi,” the boy said in a small voice, making Shi’s heart tighten further.
    “I’m Shi Matthews,” he greeted, struggling not to stammer in his
nervousness.
    “Vel Collins,” the boy said, “I just moved in.”
    “I know,” Shi said, “My family and I tried to visit you guys last night,
but you weren’t there.”
    “We don’t have any food yet, so we went out to dinner,” Vel explained.
    “I thought so,” Shi said with a smile.
    “That your little brother?” Vel asked as he watched Eirie play in the
grass. Shi nodded.
    “He’s cute,” Vel smiled.
    “Yeah, he can be,” Shi grinned.
    “I have a little brother, too,” his new friend told him, “His name’s Taka.
Maybe I’ll bring him around some time so he and your brother can play
together.”
    “I think Eirie would like that. Hey, how old are you?” Shi suddenly blurted
out.
    “Ten,” Vel told him.
    “You’re three years older than me!” Shi grinned. Vel gave him a wide eyed
look and Shi was momentarily struck by the different colors of his eyes.
    “Really?” Vel asked incredulously, looking Shi over.
    The younger blonde was the same height as him, making him much taller than
other boys his age, and he just had a look to him that had made Vel assume he
was at least his age, maybe older, so it was strange that he was so much
younger. He didn’t talk like a little kid, either.
    “You have any friends yet?” Shi continued to question the boy. Vel shook
his head.
    “J… just you…” he said nervously, as though he didn’t dare to be so bold as
to assume he and Shi were now friends just because they were having a
conversation. He felt his anxiety ebb out of him at Shi’s obvious relief at his
naming him his friend. He felt an odd… kinship to the other boy, especially
since yesterday, having heard the other kids tease him about his eyes.
    Neither of his parents had Vel’s eye mutation. His little brother didn’t,
either, so, despite his shyness, he felt good, having someone around his age
that had the same problem. He still felt guilty about it, though, like he was
glad Shi had no friends and was teased just because it made him feel less
lonely.
    “Do you have any other siblings?” Vel asked Shi. He was eager to learn more
about his new friend. He was too shy to admit to the other boy that Shi was his
first friend. He had been just as alone in his other town as here.
    “Nah,” Shi told him, “It’s just Mom, Dad, Eirie, and me. We don’t even have
any pets.”
    “We have a black and white cat named Jerry,” Vel said, “But I’m just with
Taka and my Mom.”
    “Didn’t your Dad come with you?” Shi asked and immediately wished he could
take it back when Vel looked at the grass under them in a mix of shame and
sadness.
    “My parents got divorced. That’s why we moved, my dad told her she couldn’t
stick around any more,” he murmured.
    “Why would they do that?” Shi asked softly, amazed that Vel would even want
to say these things to him.
    “Mom was seeing someone else. Dad found out… so he didn’t want to be
married to her anymore,” Vel told him.
    “Why was she doing that, didn’t she love him anymore?” Shi asked in
astonishment. It hurt to think that, one day, his mother would stop loving his
father, or vice versa. He couldn’t imagine that happening and couldn’t imagine
how much it had hurt Vel.
    “She still loves him,” Vel tried to explain, “But Dad didn’t love her. She
felt lonely and went to someone else, to spite him.”
    Vel leaned against the tree again and looked up at the sky.
    “He wanted Taka,” Vel murmured and Shi wondered if he had even meant for
him to hear.
    “He wanted Taka, but not me. He said I wasn’t his, because of my eyes, and
because I’m nothing like him, but Taka has his eyes. I don’t think Mom wanted
me, either,” Vel’s voice was small and lost and Shi suddenly felt like he had
known him for years.
    “That’s stupid,” he snapped, “Eirie doesn’t look anything like our dad, and
I don’t look like our mom, but we’re brothers, and no matter what our parents
believe, nothing is ever going to change that!”
    Vel looked at him with a strange expression, respecting the other boy and
feeling warmed by his words. No one had ever said something like that to him
before. His mother was always so cold to him and Taka was too young to
understand how painful it was living with her. Their father never talked to him
anymore, even when he tried to visit Taka. He didn’t say these things to Shi,
but he was sure that he understood because when he looked at him, he could see
it in Shi’s beautiful, ruby eyes.
    “My mom is very strict,” Vel confessed, “She loves Taka more than me, I can
see that, because he’s normal. Not like me…”
    “Normal is overrated,” Shi snorted, “My mom, Eirie, and I aren’t normal,
but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to have people that care about us,
right? So you have different colored eyes, who cares? It’s not like they make
you… deranged or something!”
    Shi spoke so passionately, Vel couldn’t think of a single argument against
him. It was so strange, in a single moment, Shi had dispelled all of his fears
and had made him feel confident about himself. No one had ever made him feel
this way before. His mom simply did not care how he felt about her treatment.
It seemed like only Taka liked him in his family, but his little brother
certainly didn’t understand why he was sad or distant from their mother.
    “Hey, what’s that medallion thing you’re wearing?” Shi pointed to the
glittering pendant that hung around Vel’s neck. Vel touched the tiny thing with
pale fingertips.
    “It’s Saint Christopher,” Vel told him.
    Shi raised a gold eyebrow at him.
    “Whose that?”
    “The patron saint of travelers,” Vel told him.
    “I never heard about him in church,” Shi pointed out, “Did your mom just
give you that ‘cause you moved?”
    “No, I’ve been wearing it for years. My mom insists I wear it. You probably
don’t know about the saints because I bet your family goes to the protestant
church I saw when we drove around last night. My mom’s Catholic, so we go to a
different church.”
    “What’s the difference?” Shi asked in confusion. He knew that Jewish people
and Muslims and Christians and Buddhists were all different, but the
differences between different Christians was confusing to him. He didn’t see
the point in having religion anyway. It was just annoying having to get up
every Sunday morning and he sure didn’t feel ‘spiritual’ after church, just
glad that it was over.
    “I have no idea,” Vel said, just as puzzled.
    The two boys shared a laugh.
    “What’s so funny?” Eirie demanded, running over to them, which only made
them laugh harder, just because they felt so happy to share something together.
    Vel looked up at the sky and his smile grew. Happy… he could see why this
feeling was seen as such a good thing…

End Part 1

Well, here it is, the prequel and sister fic to The Road to Kindness. This
first story is Shi’s life up before he officially meets Duo when Duo is twelve.
Just to give you all a perspective on the timeline, Shi is ten years older than
Duo.
As most of you know, this is also my Nanowrimo submission, so any feedback is
hugely appreciated. After this month is over, this won’t be worked on until
next November and also when RTK is finished, unless I get a huge amount of
feedback on it. There’s no point in giving this a huge amount of focus when I
should be working on RTK if no one likes this story. So far, only Shi and
Solo’s stories are mapped out. I’m in the middle of working on Amaaya’s. I also
hope everyone picks up on the parallels to The Roads to Kindness in this fic.
There are a lot of them, and some of them are only obvious if you re-read the
first five chapters of RTK. I’m actually thinking of pointing them out in
footnotes so they won’t be missed.


































 
 
***** Part 2 *****
Chapter Summary
     Shi begins to suspect that what he feels for Vel isn't how someone is
     supposed to feel for their best friend. Shi meets his mother's father
     for the first time and is given a terrible choice.
Poisoned Memories
Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows
Part 2

    Shi hated school. It was bad enough that he could clearly hear what his
classmates whispered about him when they thought he wasn’t paying attention or
that he knew how much they didn’t trust him with his creepy eyes, long hair,
and height, it wasn’t even bad enough that he wasn’t bright and couldn’t
remember dates and figures like most of the other kids, though he got by well
enough by what his dad called ‘street smarts’; intuition, common sense,
experience, and old-fashioned luck. No, what really sucked about school was
that he actually had a friend, but because of their age difference, they never
had any classes together, not even gym. It made him feel worse than before he
had met Vel. It made him feel like nothing had changed, but at the same time,
he felt anxious to see him, he heart beating faster and faster the more time
passed him by.
    It felt maddening, to be lonely and happy, frustrated and excited, all at
once. He wondered if everyone felt this way towards their best friend, if
everyone thought about that person as much as he found thoughts about Vel
plaguing him. Looking at the friendships around him, how the same kids sat
together, whispering and giggling when they thought the teacher wasn’t looking,
Shi realized that his and Vel’s relationship was a bit… different.
The most obvious was the three years difference between them. The younger kids
didn’t hang out with the older kids, ever, even if they were just one grad
above them. It terrified Shi to think of Vel going to high school in just two
years. He wasn’t quite sure why that thought scared him so much, it was like he
thought, if he let Vel out of his sight for that long, he would lose him. What
if, when Vel went to high school, he got a different best friend, his heart
would scream at him. That sort of feeling was call jealousy, right? But boys
didn’t get jealous over their friends getting new friends, that was a chick
thing.
    It couldn’t be normal, this irrational fear of Vel not liking him anymore.
Yeah, he had never had a friend before, but Vel had been his best friend for
two years now and that frantic urge to cling onto him and never let him go had
never gone away. Those feelings made him absolutely hate the moments when he
couldn’t see the other blonde. If he really thought about it, he acted like the
stupid, puppy love infected older girls, but there was no way he was actually
like those girls. Boys couldn’t love other boys, everyone knew that.
    Besides, it wasn’t like he didn’t like girls. He was only nine, but he
didn’t believe in that dumb cootie thing the other boys did. Girls were pretty
and some of them were ok to talk to. He didn’t think that kissing them would be
so bad. What he really wanted was to find someone like his mom, someone pretty
and kind and smart, marry her, and live ‘happily ever after’, just like his dad
had. He wanted something special, but the only person he had something special
with was Vel. Pretty… kind… smart… Was it so wrong that when he thought of
being in love with someone who had these traits, he could only think of his
best friend? But he had no idea what that meant.
    Vel really was pretty, though. Everyone said that they looked like twins,
they teased them about it all the time, because they were both blonde, tall,
and had weird eyes. Shi didn’t think they looked alike at all. Vel was much
more attractive than he could ever be, his pale hair was so much prettier, and
his eyes reminded him of his mother’s lavender bell flowers and Vel’s friendly
cat, who liked Shi more than Taka or Vel’s mother for some reason. They were so
different from his own hideous red ones that only reminded people of monsters.
That’s what people thought he was… a monster… everyone except his family and
Vel any way. Vel had told him once that he liked his eyes, that they were like
rubies. No one had ever told him that before.
    Vel was smart, too. The classes for the big kids were harder than Shi’s,
but Vel was at the top of all of them. It sucked, Shi thought, that Vel was so
good at school, but it didn’t make him popular. He was so smart, yet Shi
realized that he got more attention when he did well in gym (which, with his
height was often) than when Vel got a good grade on a hard test. It just didn’t
seem fair to him. What good was scoring goals going to be if he struggled in
classes for the rest of his life?
    The way people looked at him during gym, and how he was always picked first
for any game, made Shi wonder if he would have been ‘popular’ if it weren’t for
his eyes, or if there was something else about him that was just as
frightening. But… if there was, Vel didn’t see it, so maybe it was just his
eyes and since he had the same mutation, he was immune to it. Or maybe there
was something more to people being scared of him and Vel just didn’t care
because he was so kind. But he was pretty shy, too…
    Shi shook his head at his own strange musings. What did it matter that Vel
wasn’t scared of him? Vel liked him, they were best friends, and as long as he
could hold onto that, nothing else in the world mattered. The bell rang,
signaling the end of the class and the beginning of lunch. In his excitement at
seeing Vel, Shi was the first one out the door. He spotted Vel in his usual
spot, waiting at the lockers by Shi’s classroom since Vel’s last class met
across the hall and their teacher often let them go a few minutes early. This
time, Vel wasn’t alone. Cornering him against the lockers was a tall boy from
Vel’s class. Shi strained to hear what they were saying.
    “It’s no wonder why you’re friends with the demonic freak,” the older boy
was teasing Vel, “I bet you moved here because he’s your long lost brother or
something.”
    Pain made Vel’s bi-colored eyes darken. Shi immediately wanted to beat
Vel’s classmate into dust, knowing that Vel was thinking of his father’s
accusations that Vel wasn’t his child, that his wife had made him with another
man. He hated when Vel got that look.
    “Or maybe,” the boy wasn’t finished, his expression both malicious and
sickened, “the reason why you’re so cozy with him is because you’re a filthy
fag with a thing for little boys.”
    Shi stared at the two of them in confusion. What was a ‘fag’, and why did
that word make Vel look so angry? He had never seen Vel loose his temper, not
once, in the two years they had known each other, but he did now, for a reason
Shi couldn’t place.
    “Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” the blonde snarled at
his classmate.
    Shi was taken aback by his best friend’s anger, but instead of being afraid
of him, Shi felt enthralled at how the emotion made Vel’s eyes look like they
had fire contained within them and left the pale boy flushed. Shi was further
confused when Vel’s classmate laughed instead of backing off, like he found
Vel’s reaction to his insults amusing.
    The boy opened his mouth to reply, but seemed to spot some of his friends
coming out of their own classroom and ran down the hall after them without so
much as casting a glare in Vel’s direction. Shi felt the urge to go after him,
just so he could punch him in the face.
    “Don’t,” Vel suddenly blurted out, his eyes meeting Shi’s and Shi realized
that he had known Shi had seen the confrontation, “Just let it go, Shi.”
    Shi felt the familiar chill of hearing Vel say his name and obeyed. The
hurt expression was still on Vel’s face, so Shi channeled his angry energy to
taking care of his friend.
    “Vel, what he said… it’s ok,” he tried to soothe him, putting a hand on
Vel’s shoulder.
    Vel only looked more pained at Shi’s words and shrugged off Shi’s hand,
shaking his head, and walked in the direction of the cafeteria. Shi followed,
looking like a puppy that had been viciously kicked by its owner, but too loyal
to run away, a sharp pain tearing at his heart.
    ‘He hates me,’ he thought in absolute misery, ‘I don’t even know what I did
wrong, but he hates me. He probably doesn’t even want to be friend anymore… he
didn’t even want me touching him… he probably thinks like everyone else… that
I’m a demon…’
    Shi couldn’t stop the thoughts, even as panic, fear, and self-hatred
threatened to tear his insides to shreds. He wanted to cry, to scream, to punch
something as hard as he could, but all he could do was follow Vel, mutely, like
a shadow, even as he felt hot tears sting his eyes, like he had a hundred
slivers of glass in them, but he would never let them fall, he would never let
Vel see him cry. What if seeing what a weakling Shi was made Vel hate him even
more? But he couldn’t lose his best friend, he just couldn’t! Was there
anything he could do to make him like him again? He couldn’t think of anything,
his mind was filled with white static as his heart beat wildly in his chest. He
wanted to grab Vel, though he had no idea what he could ever say. He couldn’t
deal with his hatred, with his rejection. He felt so stupid, like a silly,
little girl for nearly crying, but it hurt so much… was your heart supposed to
hurt like this?
    If Vel noticed how quiet he was being, he didn’t say a thing about it.
Truthfully, Shi didn’t dare look at him, so maybe Vel did notice and was
looking at him oddly, or maybe he hated him too much to even care anymore. Shi,
in a panic, went over everything that had happened since he had gotten up this
morning, trying to find some flaw in his actions, something that could explain
why Vel had shrugged him off and had walked away like that. If he could find
it… then maybe he could fix it in time… But no matter how hard he tried to
remember, he couldn’t think of anything he had done differently.
    He and Vel had walked to school together as they always had. Eirie had
kissed him goodbye, something the now four year old hadn’t grown out of yet,
even though it still embarrassed Shi a little, not enough to ask him to stop,
though. His mother had been smiling. She did that more often nowadays, when she
saw how affectionate he and Eirie were, and whenever she saw Shi and Vel
together. Vel had seemed ok walking to school. He had seemed a little distant,
like he had been distracted by something, but he hadn’t been cold to him, more
like he was just anxious and had his mind on something. So… what had changed?
    Had it been in something that other boy had said? But this wasn’t the first
time someone had joked that they were like brothers. Had it been because of
that strange comment, when the boy had called Vel a fag, whatever that was? Or
was it because Shi had wanted to hurt that other boy? Though, this also wasn’t
the first time Shi had felt angry about Vel being bullied. He just couldn’t
understand it.
    The pain, anxiety, and despair that coiled and swirled in his heart
continued to wear at him as he acted as he always did, saving a seat for Vel,
though he felt immensely more subdued, not even paying any mind to other
students around him. He always was the one to save them a table. His mother
always made him a lunch, but Vel’s mom only ever gave him money to buy food
from the cafeteria. It was just one of a hundred things that made Shi think
that maybe Vel was right and his mother really didn’t love him. Cafeteria food
was notoriously terrible, but Vel’s mom, who worked the night shift at a
hospice ward, had time in the morning to make him lunch, she just didn’t seem
to care enough to do it. She didn’t even wake Vel up to say good night or wake
up in the morning to say hello. It had always made him feel sad.
    Shi patiently waited for Vel to come to the table and suddenly felt an
intense burst of panic. What if Vel never came? What if he ate somewhere else
and didn’t even want to sit with him anymore? Shi hung his head and, to mask
the dark feelings that were clouding everything else, he started to dig out his
lunch. His heart jolted when, through his long, spiky bangs, he saw Vel’s
familiar lower form sit down at the table, placing the tray down gently, as he
so often did. However, Vel still didn’t speak to him and words clogged in Shi’s
throat, impatient to get out, but stuck none the less. Shi prayed to God that
things would go back to how they had been this morning, hoping that the being
that his mother made him worship every Sunday would hear his plea and grant it.

    Wasn’t that the point of God? To love him and help him when he couldn’t
help himself? But no God answered him and Vel was just as quiet and strange as
always as he started to nibble on his hamburger. Shi should have felt affronted
and let down by this non reply from a higher deity, but the prayer had only
made him feel silly to begin with, not hopeful. He didn’t think that he had
ever really believed that God would answer him. If God really existed… he
wouldn’t give Vel, who was so kind and smart and pretty, a defective mom,
right?
    Shi started to eat the crisp, fresh grapes his mother had packed for him
and felt a huge wave of frustration rise in him as Vel remained quiet. His
friend was normally shy and wasn’t talkative, but when they were together, Vel
was just as involved in their conversations as Shi was. This… silence wasn’t
natural and Shi hated it. He abandoned his grapes and sharply looked over at
Vel. He realized that Vel had spent the last few minutes, not really eating,
but poking at the tiny bit of salad on his tray. Shi watched as his friend
stabbed at the lettuce, the plastic fork gouging it easily, Vel looking distant
again, like he was deep in thought. The pain in his eyes was deeper than before
and it hurt Shi just to see it. Had he put that pain there?
    “Why do you hate me?” Shi suddenly asked in a voice so small and meek, he
didn’t recognize it as his own.
    Vel’s head shot up and he looked completely shocked, as though Shi had
slapped him. If anything, Shi’s question had brought a whole different kind of
pain to Vel’s eyes, making Shi want to take back what he had said immediately.
    “W-what?” Vel stammered in a choked voice.
    Shi looked down at the table, not wanting to see the pain he had put in
those violet and gold eyes.
    “I don’t know what I did to hurt you so bad, but I’m sorry. Whatever I did…
I take it back, I take it all back. I just don’t want you to hate me anymore… I
don’t want to stop being your friend,” he murmured.
    “I don’t want to stop being your friend, either!” Vel nearly shouted, the
urgency and panic in his voice making Shi look him in the eye again. He had
never heard his friend speak like that before.
    “Shi… you haven’t done anything to hurt me…” he said in confusion.
    “Then why do you hate me?” Shi demanded.
    “I don’t hate you!” Vel protested, starting to look very frustrated and
anxious about Shi’s words.
    When had he ever made the other boy think he hated him? How could he ever
hate Shi? He was his best friend! His only friend, besides his cat… Shi was the
one person in his life that he could count on to make him feel better when he
was sad, so how could he ever possibly hate him?
    “You didn’t want me to touch you,” Shi whispered, “And you shook your head
at me, like you were ashamed. I don’t understand what I did…”
    Suddenly, it all clicked into place for Vel and he fought against the urge
to groan, both at Shi’s lack of confidence and his own ignorance.
    “That… all that has nothing to do with you,” he tried to soothe Shi’s hurt
feelings, but his friend was the most stubborn person he had ever met and
refused to give up his anxieties.
    “How can’t it have anything to do with me?!” Shi cried, “When I touched
you… you stopped talking to me!”
    “Shi…” Vel said mournfully, “I’m sorry. I never thought that I’d make you
think that just because of how I was acting… I didn’t like you anymore.”
    “Then you really don’t hate me?” Shi asked cautiously, wary of his own
hope.
    Vel nodded and the pain in Shi’s heart eased and blissful, wonderful relief
filled him.
    “My… my dad called this morning,” Vel tried to explain, his voice distant
and filled with tightness, as though he were in pain, “He said he was coming in
to visit this afternoon. I just thought…” he smiled sadly, looking down at his
mutilated salad, “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. The point is, I’m
sorry. I wasn’t thinking about how you felt. I was only thinking about myself…”
Vel’s voice suddenly dropped so low, Shi was sure he wasn’t meant to hear his
words, “I guess I’m no better than him after all.”
    Shi’s hand curled into a fist so tight, his nails cut into his skin hard
enough that he felt a tiny trickle of blood go down his palm. He wasn’t smart,
but he wasn’t dumb, either. He could fit the pieces together without Vel going
into details about it. His father had promised he would visit and Vel, forever
hopeful Vel, had thought that maybe, just this once, his father would want to
see him, too, not just Taka. He had hoped his father would show up at school
and he would be like Vel had remembered before his mom had cheated, that he
would take back all those cruel things he had said and he would have a father
again. The reason for Vel’s distraction this morning suddenly made sense.
    So, his best friend had waited all day long, hoping that his father would
show. But, obviously, he never did. Shi wanted to tell Vel that it was ok,
maybe his father would still show up, anything to get that horrible, defeated
look off his face, but he couldn’t, because he knew the truth and didn’t want
to be the one to lie, which would only make Vel feel worse in the end. He felt
so guilty, though, for letting his own, personal insecurities affect him when,
all along, it had been Vel who was hurting and he had been too stupid to see
it. Mostly, he was mad at his best friend’s father, who he thought had to be a
terrible person. After all, he didn’t like his Aunt Ursula at all, but he still
spoke to her when she was around. At least Vel’s father could try. He put his
uncut hand over the other blonde’s.
    “I’m sorry,” he said, apologizing for several things all at once, “I was
acting like a girl… and your dad’s a shit head.”
    Shi wasn’t allowed to say that word, it was one of those four letter words
that upset his mom when he said it, but he knew what it meant and it was the
best word he could come up with to describing Vel’s jerk of a father. Vel
smirked at him.
    “You weren’t acting like a girl, Shi. I hurt your feelings because I kept
everything to myself. If I had told you this morning why I was so anxious, you
wouldn’t have misunderstood,” he apologized.
    Shi beamed at him. He was just so happy that he and Vel were still friends,
he didn’t really care about anything else. He dug into his lunch and Vel ceased
attacking his salad, eating the remains. Shi felt his ego get boosted a little
when he realized that talking to him about his father had made some of Vel’s
pain and anxieties go away, at least enough that he was eating.
    “Hey,” a thought suddenly occurred to the younger blonde, “What’s a ‘fag’?”

    Vel immediately stopped chewing on his lettuce, as though someone had
pulled his plug. He quickly swallowed it and stared incredulously at his
friend.
    “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Shi asked     defensively.
Vel shook his head.
    “It’s nothing, it’s just that I keep forgetting how young you are,” he
tried to explain.
    Shi raised an eyebrow at him.
    “How can you forget how old I am?” he asked in confusion.
    “Well, you’re very tall for your age,” Vel explained, “And you act so
mature, I forget that you aren’t my age.”
    Shi felt pride fill his chest at Vel’s words, but fought it back. His
mother always said that a proud heart was a foolish one, still, it made him so
happy to know that Vel thought he was ‘mature’.
    “Then what does it mean?” he prodded.
    “ ‘Fag’ is… well,” Vel hesitated, wondering if he should even be telling
Shi this, “Fag just means a guy that likes other guys.”
    “But I like you,” Shi said, “Doesn’t that make any guy who has a guy friend
a fag?”
    “No,” Vel said with a shake of his head, “What I mean is, a fag is a guy
who likes another guy, like how married people like each other, not how friends
like each other.”
    Shi’s red eyes got a little bit wide at that.
    “Guys can like other guys?” he asked, this concept completely new to him.
    “They can,” Vel informed him, “One of my cousins is like that.”
    “But how?” Shi asked, “Does he think girls are icky or something?”
    “I guess,” Vel shrugged, “If a guy can feel that way for a girl, he can
feel that way for a guy, right? And not every guy wants babies, and even if he
did, he can just adopt. That’s what my cousin did.”
    Shi pondered over that. He knew that he was too young to even start
thinking about that sort of thing, but he wanted to have a family one day. He
wanted to have a little kid like Eirie and take care of him. He thought it was
so neat, to have something come from yourself like babies did, but they were
alive and separate from you, too. He thought he could love a kid like his
parents loved him, even though something like that was ages away. And he knew
he liked girls, because he thought they were pretty, but didn’t he also think,
quite often in fact, that Vel was pretty, too? Did that mean he was a fag? It
was a strange concept to him, to think of Vel like he thought of the pretty
girls in their school, but it didn’t disgust him, even a little bit.
    “Some people really don’t like it when a guy likes another guy,” Vel said,
“Though I don’t get why. If you love someone, that should just be your
business.”
    Shi nodded in agreement, but his thoughts were whirling and confused. He
liked Vel as a friend, so how could he possibly tell if those feelings made him
a fag? How could he tell if he wanted to marry Vel, and not some girl? Vel
didn’t seem to have anymore information on the subject, going back to his
lunch, and Shi was too embarrassed to pry. If only he could find someone that
he wasn’t embarrassed to talk to, someone he was sure wasn’t uncomfortable with
guys liking other guys…
*****
    “Mom, how did you know you liked Dad?” Shi asked his mother as the two of
them cleaned the dishes that night after supper.
    Eirie and his dad were watching TV in the other room, Shi could see them
through the doorway, Eirie sitting on their father’s lap as they watched
cartoons, and he was confident that the sound of the TV would drown out their
conversation. The thought of either his father or his little brother hearing
what he was saying was embarrassing. He didn’t want Eirie to hear because he
knew that what he wanted to know was sex stuff and grownups didn’t even like
kids Shi’s age to know about that stuff, let alone Eirie, who didn’t even know
that word yet. In fact, with the thought of Eirie learning any of that stuff,
Shi felt overprotective of him and his innocence.
    Shi knew about sex stuff, at least the stuff between a girl and a boy.
Danny Webber, who was one of the seventh graders that got to take sexual
education, had told him and a bunch of other younger kids all about it. Shi had
felt a little bit affronted that his Aunt Ursula’s story about storks had
turned out to be a lie, but at least he had then understood why his parents had
rolled their eyes every time she had told that story. It seemed kind of weird
to him, that a guy would put his thing into a girl’s thing, but he thought that
it was just one of those ideas that he would only understand when he was older.
    He wasn’t exactly sure why he was so nervous about his dad hearing him talk
about this stuff. He didn’t know why he was more comfortable talking about it
to his mother than his father, but he was.
    “I mean,” Shi amended a little, “Before you and he started to date, how did
you know you wanted to marry a guy, and how did you know that you wanted to…
that Dad was the right guy for you? How did you feel about him?”
    Anjaleque stared at her first born son in shock, her pale cheeks blushing a
little bit. He was only nine years old and to ask such a question… no it wasn’t
that he was asking about how she and his father had met so much as how he had
asked the question. It was the way that a teenager would ask it and for a
moment, she wondered who this little boy was standing next to her, but the
moment quickly passed. Shi had always been like this, even when he was younger.
He acted so oddly mature, understanding things that she would have never
thought a nine year old could understand, things that she was sure that she, at
nine, hadn’t understood. Maybe it was because he was around Eirie so much and
took care of him, that sense of responsibility had forced him to mature faster,
or maybe it was just in his nature. She knew that, if she wasn’t aware of this
part of his personality, she would have given him the same answer she often
gave Eirie when he asked where babies really came from, because he didn’t
believe in all that stork business thanks to the nature shows he watched, he
knew storks didn’t deliver human babies. She would have told him that, when he
was older, he would understand such things, but Shi seemed old enough to
understand, old enough to be able to figure things out for himself and cope
with the answers that he would find.
    “Shi… what you’re talking about is love,” she said and as soon as the words
were out of her mouth, a strange thought came to her, “When two people care
about each other, more than two friends do, when they want to spend their lives
together and can’t bear to be without each other, that’s called love.”
    Anjaleque didn’t say ‘when grownups care about each other’. That was how
her mother had explained things to her and she remembered how annoyed she had
been at the explanation, thinking that what her mother was saying was that only
adults could possibly fall in love and that, for some reason, hadn’t sat right
with her. She reasoned that, if Shi was old enough to ask that question so
intelligently, he was also old enough to feel those emotions, which she thought
was why he was asking to begin with. A question is seldom asked unless the
information is important, that was a concept her mother had often impressed
upon her. But the thought of her little boy feeling… love, was so strange. It
seemed like not so long ago that she had been teaching him how to walk instead
of crawl, and here he was, asking her how to tell if you loved someone…
    “When I met your father, I didn’t know he was the one at first. Let no one
tell you that you can know at first glance, because if you do, you need to know
more about that person before… before you can tell them that you love them,”
Anjaleque tried to explain, worried that all of this was going over Shi’s head,
but he nodded in understanding and she continued, feeling proud of his
intelligence, “Once I got to know him, however… I felt that I never wanted to
be apart of him. More than that… I wanted to raise children with him,” she
smiled softly in a way that made Shi’s light up with warmth and affection for
her, “And here you and Eirie are. I knew your father was right for me because
of how my heart felt towards him. Sometimes you can’t possibly know if that
decision is the right one, you can only follow your feelings.”
    Shi chewed on his lip, wondering how he could possibly listen to his heart
when the stupid thing was telling him so many things all at once. It was like
one of the chattering monkeys at the zoo some times and trying to listen to it
only confused him. It told him that Vel was special to him and he never wanted
to part with him, like his mom said, but it also told him that Vel could never
know about these feelings, because he couldn’t possibly feel that way about
him. Vel was special, but Shi certainly wasn’t. He wasn’t even pretty. He felt
his mother place her hand on his shoulder and he looked her in the eye.
    “Shi, is there a special reason why you want to know these things?” she
asked him and Shi felt something cold and hard grip his heart.
    “Mom, is it… is it normal for two guys to love each other like that?” he
blurted out, finally voicing the thought that had been swirling around and
around in his head all day, ever since Vel had taught him what fag was.
    Anjaleque felt something like a ball of worms settle in her stomach. It
couldn’t possibly be… Shi couldn’t be gay… She had no idea why the thought was
so strong, why she thought she was so sure of his sexuality when he was too
young to even be thinking of that, let alone be sure of it. No child could be
sure of that sort of thing, right? So how could she be? She didn’t even have
any sort of malicious thoughts towards homosexuality, but the thought of her
son liking men filled her with fear. No matter how a mother felt about that
sort of thing, she never wanted her child to be a part of it, would never want
to wish that sort of hardship on them. No, she would never be disgusted in her
baby. Rather, she was scared of the rest of the world.
    Maybe society had come a long way from burning gays at the stake, but not
by much. They had civil rights, they could even marry almost universally, but
it seemed like not even a month could go by without hearing about some poor boy
or girl being killed just because they had dared to love a member of their own
gender. How could she feel happy to know that Shi was wondering if he liked
boys when there was so much useless hate in the world? And what was worse,
there was only one boy Anjaleque could think of that could possibly make Shi
ask her these questions.
    “Honey, are you talking about Vel?” she asked, almost afraid of the answer.

    Shi looked away from her and nodded shyly. He wasn’t surprised that she had
guessed it, but it was a little bit unsettling. Was it because his affection
for Vel was so obvious or had she merely been able to guess because Vel was his
only friend?
    “I want to be around him all the time, like you said,” he said softly, his
eyes gaining a strange heat to them at the mere thought of his feelings for his
best friend, a heat and feeling that took his mother’s breath away, “And my
stomach gets all weird and tingly when he’s near me. Sometimes… sometimes I
think about him moving away again, or him not liking me anymore, and my chest
hurts, really, really badly. When he touches me, even if he just holds my hand,
my heart feels like its on fire and it’ll burst out of me if I breathe too
hard.”
    Anjaleque stifled a sigh at her son’s explanation of his feelings. She
never would have thought she would be having this conversation with any of her
children at this age, but here she was, and she truthfully thought she was
doing a terrible job of it. She almost laughed at the thought that there should
be a handbook for this sort of thing.
    “Shi, what you’re feeling is love, but feeling that way towards a boy isn’t
wrong, no matter what anyone says,” she told him.
    Shi nodded, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. He loved Vel. He loved his best
friend… and he couldn’t ever tell him. Even if Vel thought it was ok for a guy
to like another guy, there was something deep inside of him, an intense fear
that he couldn’t explain that was telling him he couldn’t tell him.
    “Shi, are you ok?” his mother asked him worriedly as she saw how pale his
face got suddenly.
    “Yeah,” he said in a low voice, “Can I go play with Eirie now?”
    Anjaleque noticed it for the deflection that it was and wanted desperately
to ask Shi more questions about how he felt about Vel, but nodded, smiling a
little as he ran off into the other room. She felt like she was floundering
again, but what could she possibly do about this? She couldn’t meddle in it,
even if she could, she didn’t even know where to begin. She finally let her
sigh out and went back to the dishes, her thoughts chaotic and confused.
*****
    Shi’s mother didn’t say anything about what they had talked about
afterwards, even as days passed Shi found himself facing the weekend. He was
grateful. What more could he say? His mom had helped him realize how he really
felt about Vel, that he was in love with him as more than a friend. The day
after he had talked to his mother about it, he had felt weird meeting Vel, as
he always did, so he could walk to school with him. He felt like he was hiding
a huge secret from his best friend, and he was, but the most shocking thing was
that, for his enormous epiphany, nothing had changed. He supposed that that was
a good thing, he didn’t know how he would cope if, his knowing he loved Vel,
would make him act differently towards him.
    Vel had seemed down for days, which had helped Shi distract himself from
his thoughts. Vel’s father had never showed up to visit Vel, but he had gone to
Taka’s school and had withdrawn him for the day, he had even taken him to the
park and to a movie, but Vel only knew this because Taka had been so excited
about it. Shi could see how this had hurt Vel. Vel loved his little brother,
almost as much Shi loved Eirie, though Vel’s feelings were heavily tempered by
bitterness, awkwardness, and jealousy. Shi mused that it must be hard to love
someone when the one person you wanted to love you, loved them instead. It must
be even harder to actually love someone and try actively to love them, even
when you felt that you hated them. Until that week, Shi hadn’t realized that
you could love someone and hate them at the same time, but he saw that in Vel,
whenever he was around Taka or talked about him.
    They didn’t talk about it, though. Ever since he had discovered his own
feelings, he truly realized that there were some things that became better if
you didn’t talk about them, and he was sure Vel’s pain concerning his parents
was one of those things. Shi was practically ecstatic when Friday came around
and the weekend seemed to invigorate Vel. He had greeted him Friday morning
with a brighter smile and had even started up a conversation, something that
went on Shi’s shoulders usually. The weekend truly was a magical thing for kids
like them. Just the promise of the two friends going out and doing something,
maybe going skating or seeing a movie, had lifted Vel’s spirits and had made
the pain of the last few days disappear for him, or at least had pushed it into
the back of his mind.
    Even his mother had seemed to be bitten by the excitement bug that week and
her mood had only escalated as each day had passed. She had cleaned every inch
of their home, even under Shi’s bed, which was his chore, not hers, but she had
insisted on doing it herself. Every bathroom had been thoroughly scrubbed, but
no matter how many times he asked, she refused to tell him why she was in
intense cleaning mode. He worried that his aunt was coming over, but his mother
would tell him if it was something like that.     She always told them when
Aunt Ursula visited, probably because she didn’t like her very much, either. It
was kind of like they shared a secret, because Shi always caught her smirk when
her older sister arrived, but she acted like Ursula’s visits were the best
things ever when the black haired woman was actually around.
Seeing his best friend acting so upbeat, Shi had been in a great mood as the
two of them walked home together, but it quickly vanished into one of confusion
when Shi spotted the strange car parked in his driveway. Even Vel paused,
looking around for who it could possibly be.
    “Is one of your relatives visiting?” he asked.
    Relatives visiting were one of those things that never happened to Vel, at
least not now that they had moved, but seemed to happen to Shi regularly. Vel
knew that Shi didn’t like Aunt Ursula or his cousins, but the woman visited
them a lot. Still, seeing how much the woman bothered his best friend, Vel was
glad that he had never met her. He kind of missed his own relatives, but what
his mother had done had been made public through both sides of his family. He
felt like they had gone into exile. His grandparents wouldn’t even take his
mother’s phone calls.
    “No,” Shi told him, shaking his head, “It’s not Ursula’s car.”
    Vel smirked at Shi’s audacity to call his aunt by her first name. He loved
it when Shi did stuff like that, though he knew Shi loved his mother too much
to do it to her face, since he would never want to act so disrespectfully
around her. Vel remembered a time when he had loved his mother in exactly the
same way, but years of dealing with her distance and bitter feelings towards
him had waned his love for her. He still loved her, though, she was his mother
after all. But now, every time he saw her, he remembered the moments that he
had spent with Shi’s mother and how wonderful she had been, so loving and…
maternal. She even baked cookies for him when he visited! He had spent his
first few visits anxious to the point of nearly panicking that, when she found
out about his family history, she would hate him like his own mother did, but
even when Shi had told her, she hadn’t acted any different. If anything, his
plight had made her angry at his mother, which was something that had shocked
him and made him love her more.
    “You want me to come in?” Vel asked shyly.
    Vel’s hesitation and shyness was a character flaw that he had tried so very
hard to get rid of. He was shy naturally, but it had never been this bad until
he had heard his father say those things to his mother. Now, the only times
that he wasn’t shy were when he was around Shi. There was something about the
boisterous boy that made his lack of self-confidence melt away. Of course, this
made the times that he wasn’t around him that much more painful.
    “Nah,” Shi told him, “This is probably why Mom has been so excited this
week,” he rolled his eyes, which made Vel laugh, “I’ll see you tomorrow,
though, right?”
    Vel nodded energetically.
    “See ya,” he waved and ran down the street to his own house.
    Shi waved back at him and glared at the sleek, black sedan that was parked
in his driveway. He didn’t know anyone who would drive a car like that and
though he had told Vel it was ok, he felt this odd little jolt of trepidation,
like he knew there was something bad, but couldn’t place his finger on it. He
shook his head at his own silly thoughts and walked through the front door. It
didn’t matter who was visiting or that he had never met them before. It wasn’t
like his parents would let a bad stranger into the house.
    A pair of black shoes was sitting next to his brother’s little sneakers,
looking both alien and unwanted. He paused in taking off his own, larger
sneakers and felt a strange, prodding irritation at seeing the shoes next to
his brother’s. He knelt down and put the strange shoes next to his father’s. He
immediately felt stupid for doing it, yet relieved at the same time. He walked
to the kitchen, hearing his mother’s familiar voice, coupled with a deeper,
masculine one, and paused in the doorway, unnoticed. Sitting at their kitchen
table was his mother and a man that he had never seen before. The stranger was
large looking, though he wasn’t fat, he was just tall with a solid frame,
unlike his father’s lanky one. His jet black hair was odd looking to Shi,
because at the same time that it gave the man a wild, powerful appearance, it
wasn’t messy, it had been cut and combed with meticulous care, reminding Shi of
the bigwig, company executives he saw on TV. He couldn’t see the man’s eyes,
since his back was to Shi. Both the man and his mother were drinking coffee
from mugs, though the man seemed hesitant, as though he thought the dollar
store mugs were beneath him, but Shi could hear them talking about his little
brother, which made him feel angry for some reason. He heard someone come up
behind him and knew that it was his father.
    “Whose he?” Shi asked in a tight voice.
    “Your grandfather,” his father said softly.
    Shi whirled to look at him in the eye.
    “Huh? But what’s he doing here?” he demanded.
    Shi had never met the man before and when he had asked his mother about why
that was, she had never had an answer for him. So why was the guy showing up
now? It annoyed him just as much as seeing the strange shoes next to his
brother’s. That’s all the man was to him, a stranger. Why should he have to
meet him? If he was his grandfather, he should have showed up before now!
    His father sensed the anger in him and placed a hand on his head to soothe
him.
    “Easy, Champ. Your mother hasn’t seen her dad since before we were
married,” Jonathan told his son.
    Shi’s angered eyes softened into one of confusion and sadness.
    “Why not?” he asked. No one ever talked about his mom’s family, not even
his aunt, and he couldn’t help but be curious.
    “Because, a long time ago, your grandfather and your mom had a big fight
and they haven’t spoken since,” his dad said.
    “But that’s silly,” Shi protested, “You and I fight sometimes, but we
always talk again sooner or later.”
    Jonathan smiled fondly at his son.
    “There fight was a bit worse than ours, sweetie. Now, why don’t we give the
guy a break, for your mother’s sake if nothing else,” he suggested.
    Shi looked back at his mother and saw the bright smile on her face as she
talked animatedly. She looked so happy… her expression made him feel happy,
too, and he wouldn’t do anything to make her lose that look. He sighed.
    “Fine. But only ‘cause he’s mom’s Dad and she loves him. But I won’t love
him!” Shi compromised.
    However, when Shi looked at his grandfather, he felt a strange warmth
inside. This was his mother’s father, his family… he didn’t like his aunt, but
maybe he would like his grandfather, and that would be nice, right?
    Jonathan ushered his son into the kitchen, gaining his father in law’s and
wife’s attentions. He understood what Shi was feeling very well. When Anjaleque
had gotten a call from her estranged father a few days ago, he had been leery
to meet the man. It wasn’t just that he was worried of the man’s opinion of
him, the bastard that had impregnated his daughter and taken her away, he just
plain didn’t like the man, especially after the way he had treated his
Anjaleque. If he had had his way, he would have made sure the jackass never got
the chance to meet his family, but Anjaleque desperately wanted to rebuild
bridges with her family and have him meet his grandchildren, so Jonathan felt
that he really didn’t have the right to have a say in this.
    The blonde adult smiled as his younger son crept down the steps and joined
his older brother, slipping his hand into Shi’s. Eirie had been in his bedroom
when the man had knocked on the door and he had been too shy to come
downstairs, but now that his brother was here, he wasn’t afraid anymore. Shi
smiled down at his little brother, ruffling his bright red hair. Eirie wrapped
both his arms around Shi’s longer arm and pressed against his stronger body.
    “He’s scary,” Eirie whispered to him like it was a great big secret,
looking at his grandfather.
    “Ah, he’s not so bad,” Shi assured him, disregarding something inside of
him that agreed with his brother, “Why don’t we say hi?”
    Eirie looked like he wanted to say no, but refused to let go of his
brother, so when Shi moved forward, so did he.
    “Oh, Shi, you’re home,” their mother said as they walked towards the table,
smiling brightly at how Eirie clung to his brother. She stood from the table
and her father followed her. When he turned to greet them, Eirie buried his
face into Shi’s side. Shi was too much in awe to wonder why his brother was
suddenly so frightened.
    Their grandfather was indeed ‘scary’ as Eirie had said, his features
handsome, powerful, and intimidating, but Shi’s entire focus was on his eyes.
His grandfather’s eyes were a mix of yellow, gold, red, and orange, looking
like a deep sunset, or like they were on fire. They were different from Shi’s
own blood-red eyes, but he felt an incredible affinity to the man. This was the
origin of his own, oddly colored eyes, he thought. Sure, his grandfather’s eyes
had probably come from someone else, but his grandfather was also the oldest
family member he had ever met. Truthfully, the man didn’t even look that old.
Weren’t grandfathers supposed to be really old, with white hair? But there
wasn’t a single strand of grey among the raven hair that reminded him of his
aunt’s.
    Then again, most of his classmates’ mothers were much older than his own
mother, so he thought it would be weird if his grandfather was too old. All he
really cared about was how much he loved his grandfather, now that he realized
he was like him. He was ‘different’.
    “You must be Shi,” his grandfather said with a smile that made Shi’s skin
crawl in what he thought was excitement, “Your mother has been telling me all
about you and your little brother.”
    When his grandfather greeted him, Shi thought he was going to coddle him,
to treat him like his age, like his aunt always did, pinching his cheek and
cooing at him annoyingly, but to his pleasant surprise, his grandfather shook
his hand. Shi felt pride fill him, feeling like a proper adult at the greeting.

    “And this little guy must be Eirie,” the black haired man’s smile grew and
Shi’s wariness of him eased a bit as he ruffled Eirie’s hair and picked him up
like his father often did. Eirie shrieked happily at the sudden attention as he
found himself in his grandfather’s arms.
    “Well, aren’t you the cutest little thing?” their grandfather cooed.
    Eirie wrinkled his nose like a puppy.
    “’M not cute,” he protested.
    “Of course not,” their grandfather grinned, “My mistake. You’re handsome,
not cute.”
    Eirie blushed at the compliment.
    “Are you really my granddad?” the little boy asked.
    “I sure am,” the man said.
    “How come I never met you before?” Eirie asked.
    Shi tensed and he could feel his father become anxious, too, worried that
his grandfather would tell Eirie the truth. He hated lying to his little
brother, but he knew it would bother Eirie to know that his mother and her
father hadn’t spoken in so long because of a fight.
    “Well, little one, I live sooooo far away, it took me this long just to see
you!” the man explained, tickling the boy in his arms, making him giggle.
    Shi smiled at the scene, feeling an odd peace settle over him, seeing his
mother and little brother so happy by what was happening.
    “Cree,” his father said as he approached them and Shi realized that that
was his grandfather’s name, “My name’s Jonathan. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
    Jonathan stretched out his hand to shake his father in law’s. Shi watched
in alarm as his grandfather finally noticed his father and a darkness settled
into his orange eyes. He immediately wanted to grab his little brother and take
him away from his grandfather, worried that he and his father were going to
fight, but the moment passed as Cree shifted Eirie to his shoulder and shook
Jonathan’s hand, though the darkness remained in Cree’s eyes and everyone
looking could tell that he was reluctant.
    “Shi, honey, why don’t you show your grandfather the upstairs?” Anjaleque
asked her son, hoping that her father and her sons could connect despite her
father’s obvious hatred of her husband.
    “Ok,” Shi nodded and led the newest member of their little family up to
their rooms.
*****
    Shi watched their grandfather play with his brother, feeling like he was in
some sort of strange, surreal situation. Being with Vel, thinking about hanging
out together over the weekend, seemed worlds away from now, being with his
grandfather, whom he had barely known existed until a few hours ago. Watching
his grandfather be so playful with Eirie was strange by itself, like watching a
full grown grizzly bear play with a newborn fox kit. The black haired man could
crush the tiny redhead with one hand, but he was acting so gentle around him.
Shi still wasn’t sure what to make of the strange man, but he was immensely
glad that Eirie had another family member in his life, that he could spend his
childhood knowing at least one of his grandparents.
    Cree could call himself their grandfather, but Shi didn’t know anything
else about him, but he wanted to know. Their family wasn’t very big, they
weren’t even close to Ursula and her kids, and it would be nice to have someone
besides his parents and little brother to talk to. Shi suddenly grinned as he
thought about telling Vel about all this and what he would think. It made him
feel guilty, though, Vel didn’t have a very big family, either and Shi doubted
that he ever would, if they hated his mother so much. At the very least, they
could try to help Vel, he was just an innocent bystander. But Vel was so damn
nice, he wouldn’t think the way Shi was thinking, he would only be happy for
Shi. He decided that he would definitely call his best friend and tell him what
was happening over here, he was sure that the other blonde would love a bit of
good news, even if it was someone else’s.
    Shi looked away from his brother as his mother walked in, suddenly wearing
a beautiful white dress that he thought made her look more angelic than the
ones in the stained glass windows at church, or one an elf princess in some
idealistic fairy tale. It made him blush a little, because he hardly ever saw
his mother look that way. She was smiling so happily, wearing glittery earrings
he had never seen before and beautiful bracelet that suited her slender wrist.
She dressed up for church, but never like this.
    “Dad, Jonathan and I are going to go now,” she said and there was a hint of
excitement in her voice.
    “Ok,” Cree said, just as entranced by his daughter’s sudden transformation
into a glowing young woman as her son was. The Anjaleque he had always known
had worn jeans and slacks, never a dress, and never one as classy and pretty as
this one.
    “Where are you going, Mommy?” Eirie piped in, too young to understand that
his mother dressing up in this way was important.
    Anjaleque smiled softly at her younger son and Cree’s heart stopped at the
sight of it. That smile was so motherly… it seemed strange to see it on his
youngest daughter’s face, but at the same time, it also suited her. She was so
beautiful, he had always known that, but seeing her with her children, he fully
understood it for the first time since she had been a baby. He wondered where
that beauty came from, because she looked nothing like him, and had no even one
similarity to his ex-wife. That beauty was echoed in her son’s, Cree would
never think that it came from Jonathan. No, though Shi looked a lot like his
father, Cree refused to think that the boy’s features, his obvious
intelligence, his long hair, and those intense eyes, had anything to do with
his father.
    Anjaleque knelt down to run her fingers through Eirie’s red hair that was
so like hers.
    “Your dad and I are going out to dinner, honey, but your brother and your
granddad are going to look after you, ok?” she said gently, not wanting Eirie
to panic.
    In Shi’s memory, since Eirie had been born, his parents had never gone out
to dinner, just the two of them. His mother didn’t trust babysitters that they
didn’t know, so they had always eaten as a family, but now that their
grandfather was here, Shi could see that they were eager to have some time to
themselves. He was old enough to understand that parents needed such time and
how excited his mother was to finally be alone with their father for a little
while. So, even though he still wasn’t sure about being alone with the stranger
that was their grandfather, he couldn’t begrudge them the opportunity.
    Eirie, however, was still too young to understand anything besides the fact
that his parents were leaving him for the longest time ever, for the first time
in his life. His lip quivered, but he didn’t cry. Shi felt a burst of pride for
his brother, that even at four years old, he was strong enough, well behaved
enough, not to throw a temper tantrum.
    “Now, don’t worry,” Anjaleque soothed his fears, “I know that being with
new people is scary, but Shi will play with you, and your granddad is going to
order you guys some pizza. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
    Eirie instantly brightened at the mention of pizza, his favorite food.
Their parents tried not to be health nuts, but they understood the error of
letting their kids have too much junk food, so they didn’t have pizza all that
often. Shi couldn’t decide if the food choice was to make dinner easier on
their grandfather or if it was a kind of bribe, so Eirie wouldn’t fuss.
    “I’ll take care of everything,” Cree assured his daughter, “Just enjoy
yourself.”
    Anjaleque blushed a little and Shi realized that it must be just as strange
to her as it was to him and Eirie, to have her father back in her life so
suddenly. He tried to imagine what it would be like if his own father
disappeared for years, and how he would feel if he suddenly showed up again. It
made him want to try to be close to his grandfather, and to try to convince
Eirie to get along with him, too. This desire grew even stronger when Anjaleque
suddenly hugged Cree tightly, who hugged her back just as earnestly.
    “I’m glad to have you back, Dad,” she whispered, “I missed you.”
    She had been too wary to admit it at first, but watching how her father
treated Eirie and Shi, she couldn’t deny that he had changed. He was a
different man than the one she had left to take care of her sick brother, just
so she could have a taste of freedom, a life of her own. He looked incredibly
the same, like he had been frozen in time, which had made her worried that his
actions, his personality, was exactly the same, a man who cared more about
power, rules, and appearances than the welfare of his own family. She berated
herself for thinking that way now, though.
    Her father had been almost as young when he had had Ursula as Anjaleque had
been when she had had Shi, only seventeen years old. He had only been twenty-
four when Anjaleque had been born, so even now, in his late forties, only two
years before his fifties, it would have been stranger for her to see old age on
her father’s fairly young face, but nine years seemed like such a long time for
her, almost impossible regarding the amount of time she had last seen any
member of her family. Maybe the death of his only son had really changed him,
or maybe it was all those years alone, Anjaleque didn’t know, but he was
different. It wasn’t that he was softer, or maybe he was, she honestly couldn’t
tell. She didn’t know what was different, but that difference was there.
    When Anjaleque had answered the phone, only a few days ago, and had heard
her father asking her for the right to see his grandchildren, she had been
terrified that her father, so true to the version of him that she remembered
from her childhood, would be so consumed with anger over what she had done, her
slight to his pride, that he wanted revenge, or that, because of his
stubbornness and pride, he would end up destroying her family like he had his.
All she remembered in that moment was her fear of the man as a child, and her
boundless love. He had seemed to instill that trait in everyone that was close
to him, a terrible fear and hatred of him, as well as a terrible love for the
man. But now… he seemed so subdued, just studying her two boys, and she hoped…
more than anything, she hoped that she could dare risk letting him back in her
life.
    “I missed you, too,” Cree replied. Anjaleque noted that he didn’t say he
was sorry, but didn’t mention it. She didn’t want to start a fight in front of
her boys, but mostly, she was just so tired of fighting with him, especially
over something that didn’t even matter.
    Eirie watched his parents go with a wide-eyed expression and Shi wondered
why his little brother was so scared to be alone with their grandfather. He had
been fine when they had been playing, but now he acted like he would do
anything to make his parents stay. Still, Shi could see that Eirie was starting
to except the inevitable and Shi prepared himself for the question he knew was
coming the second their parents left.
    “Shi, I want to stay up with you!” Eirie demanded.
    Shi sighed. He supposed that Eirie was like every little kid his age and
was just trying to be like his brother, but Eirie knew the rule about his
bedtime and Shi didn’t want to feel guilty over denying him his wish, but with
his parents gone, it was his responsibility.
    “Eir’, you know the rules,” Shi said, crossing his arms over his chest,
“Besides, you’ll be sleepy long before me.”
    “Nu-uh!” Eirie protested, “I can stay awake.”
    “No is no, Eirie,” Shi said in his best authoritative voice, “Trust me, you
aren’t missing much, and Mom says you can’t.”
    Their grandfather shot Shi a look that the blonde couldn’t decipher. It was
almost like the man was proud of him or something, but he couldn’t understand
why.
    “How about this,” the orange eyed man negotiated, “You can have a nap
before dinner, so you won’t be so tired if you stay up with your brother.”
    Eirie brightened at the suggestion, eager to stay up with Shi.
    “Ok!” he cheered.
    “Are you sure that’s ok?” Shi asked warily. The last thing he wanted was
for his parents to be mad at him.
    “Your mother put me in charge,” his grandfather assured him with a smile,
“If anyone gets in trouble, it’ll be me.”
    “All right,” Shi agreed, “You know the deal, Eirie,” he said to his
brother, “Bath before bedtime.”
    Eirie nodded and jumped from foot to foot as Shi gathered his pajamas.
    “Do you need me to do anything?” Cree asked his older grandson. Shi shook
his head.
    “No, I give him baths some times and I’m usually the one to put him to
bed,” Shi told him. Cree gave him that strange look again.
    Shi took Eirie by the hand and led him to the bathroom. He never locked the
door when he gave Eirie his bath, but he did so now. It was silly, and he knew
that, but it made him feel better. All those lessons his father had taught him
about not trusting strangers were coming back to him and he couldn’t ignore
them, even if the stranger in this case was his grandfather.
    “Bath time, bath time,” Eirie sang as Shi turned on the hot water, poured
in the bubble bath, and undressed Eirie. Eirie grabbed his plastic turtle that
he always played with in the bath and let Shi pick him up and put him in the
water. Shi smirked as he watched the little boy play with the turtle and splash
around in the water. Even as a baby, Eirie had loved ‘bath time’, so Shi had
never had to force him to take a bath, thankfully. As long as their were
bubbles, toys, and hot water, Eirie was eager to be washed.
Eirie’s brilliant, red hair was getting long, but it was so fine, it didn’t
take long for Shi to wash it. Eirie peered up at him through his long, wet
bangs that were stuck to his face.
    “Aren’t you going to take a bath, too?” he asked.
    Until last year, Shi had always taken a bath with his little brother, but
he had stopped it now that he felt like they were getting too old. Eirie wasn’t
exactly a baby anymore and Shi wasn’t all that far away from being a teenager.
    “I told you,” he scolded, “You’re too old for that.”
    Eirie pouted at him, but Shi only thought he was the cutest thing on legs.
    “Growing up is stupid,” he whined.
    Shi chuckled.
    “Well, I guess you just won’t grow up, huh?” he teased.
    “Yep!” Eirie chirped.
    Shi finished washing him, frowning when Eirie playfully splashed him, and
dried him off, quickly getting him into his pajamas. Cree was waiting for him,
having unmade Eirie’s bed. Shi tucked him in, kissing his forehead as he always
did.
    “Shi,” Eirie whispered, though Cree could clearly hear him, “Can you close
the closet?”
    Shi saw the sudden fear in the redhead’s eyes and was confused at what had
put it there. The memory of Eirie’s dream of the monster in the closet came to
him so strongly, it felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Was that why
Eirie was so scared of their grandfather, because of his eyes? Did he think he
was the monster from his dream? Cree looked over at the closet and saw that the
door was already closed.
    “Honey, the closet is fine,” he said in an affectionate tone, but his eyes
hardened when Eirie shook his head in denial. Shi saw the look and felt
something crawl around in his stomach.
    “No problem,” he said, ruffling Eirie’s hair.
    Shi, like he had done years ago, took Eirie’s desk chair and wedged it
against the closet door. His reward was seeing the fear go from Eirie’s eyes
and was happy to know that he had, once again, conquered the monster for him.
    “Shi,” Eirie whispered again, “What about Mr. Jellybean?”
    Shi wasn’t annoyed by the request. Eiriealways slept with Mr. Jellybean.
Mr. Jellybean was a silly little octopus beanie Eirie had had when he was a
baby. Back then, Mr. Jellybean had been Mr. Squiggly and he had had all of his
eight arms. But, last year, Eirie had chewed on Mr. Squiggly’s arms so much
that one of them had come off. His mother, in a fit of genius, had cut off all
of the octopus’ arms and had sewn him back up. Thus, Mr. Squiggly had become
Mr. Jellybean. Eirie still chewed on him, like a bad habit, but at least he
couldn’t fall apart again.
    “Did you leave him in my room?” Shi asked.
    “Dunno,” Eirie said, looking panicked at having lost his prized sleep
buddy.
    “I’ll find him for you,” he promised, going to his bedroom to look. He felt
a little bit afraid of leaving Eirie alone with their grandfather, who he was
clearly afraid of, but Eirie didn’t cry for him.
*****
    Shi diligently searched his room for Mr. Jellybean, even looking under his
bed and in every drawer, but couldn’t find him. He stood up from peering under
his bed when he heard his grandfather come in.
    “What is it?” he asked.
    Cree closed the door behind him, which was strange, Shi thought. He tried
to ignore the action, but it ate at him.
    “We found Mr. Jellybean,” the man said, a small smirk on his face, “Your
brother is fast asleep.”
    Shi stood still as that strange expression came over his grandfather once
more and he approached him.
    “You’re so good with him,” Cree said, and it was something that Shi had
heard from his parents so often that it momentarily threw him, “You’re very
responsible for a boy your age. Your mother must be proud.”
    Cree knelt in front of him, his eyes soft and affectionate. His fingers
touched Shi’s hair lightly. The touch was strange and it made Shi’s stomach
squirm, but he was confused as to why. His mother touched his hair all the
time, but she had never made him feel this way.
    “You’re very much like your late uncle, did you know that?” Cree asked in a
tone so loving, Shi’s curiosity felt stale in the face of it.
    Shi shook his head.
    “I didn’t know I had a late uncle. What happened to him?” Shi asked, his
voice rough with something that he couldn’t recognize. Cree’s eyes hardened so
sharply that Shi thought he was going to hit him, but then Cree smiled, though
it didn’t reach his fiery eyes.
    “It’s ancient history,” he brushed off Shi’s questions, “Your mother
probably doesn’t realize it…” Cree’s voice sounded almost hopeful, as though he
refused to admit that Shi’s mother would have any other reason for not
mentioning Shi’s uncle, “But you are exactly like him. He was responsible,
intelligent, and mature, just like you. Your Aunt Ursula was always so terrible
to your mother. She was the oldest and teased her all the time, but your Uncle
Odin took care of her,” inexplicably, the man’s tone turned bitter, “You take
care of your little brother, too. It’s very admirable for someone your age.”
    Shi was struck silent by all of this. He hadn’t even known that he had ever
had an Uncle. But why would his mother keep that from him, unless it was too
sad for her? He didn’t know how to react to his grandfather’s compliments,
either. He had been called responsible, intelligent, and mature by his parents
before, but this man was not his parents and hearing such oddly affectionate
things made him want to love him like he loved his parents. Then there was his
account of his mother’s childhood, and how his Aunt Ursula had bullied her.
    When he had heard that, he had bit his tongue to keep from saying out loud
that he wasn’t surprised, because Aunt Ursula was so mean, she often said
insulting things to him, but he didn’t dare say it out loud.
    “Do you love your brother?” Cree suddenly asked.
    Shi’s head shot up and he stared into orange-red eyes. The answer was so
absolute in his heart, that the words poured out of him immediately.
    “Yes,” he said earnestly, “I love him more than anything else in the
world.”
    Cree smiled, but Shi thought that it wasn’t quite as welcome and nice as
before.
    “So, you would do anything for him, to save him?” he asked.
    The question was so strange, but Shi couldn’t deny the answer that he knew
with absolute certainty.
    “I would,” Shi said.
    If anything, his answer made Cree’s odd smile seem even worse to the boy.
    “Good,” his grandfather said, his fingers trailing down from his hair, over
his chest and stomach until they were lightly slipping under the waist of his
jeans. Shi couldn’t even begin to explain it, but that touch made something
incredibly unpleasant burst inside of him and he hit his grandfather’s roaming
hand as hard as he could. His shock and confusion made him back up, but when
his legs suddenly hit the bed, he was surprised at its presence and sat down
heavily. He couldn’t figure out what was happening, but something deep inside
of him was screaming at him to run and never look back.
    Cree’s smile suddenly vanished and melted into an expression of anger, so
quickly that Shi wondered if the smile had ever existed at all or if it had
only been his imagination. His grandfather grabbed him by his shoulder, so
tightly, Shi wondered if his bones would break and he was sure he would bruise.
The transformation of his grandfather of someone with affection and respect to
this… thing, this monster of anger and abuse startled Shi at its brutality,
which he was not used to as his own father had never once raised a hand to him,
and he was frozen where he sat.
    “I thought I made things clear,” Cree said, almost in a low sort of growl,
“Either I do this to you… or your brother.”
    In an instant, Shi felt as though all of his blood had been replaced with
lead and he had swallowed a bucket full of snakes that were now writhing around
in his gut. His grandfather hadn’t said what he wanted to do to him or his
brother, but Shi knew, he knew, even though he wished he didn’t. Those strange,
uncomfortable touches… he remembered vividly how his grandfather’s fingers had
slipped inside of his pants and felt like throwing up. He wished he had never
asked his mother about the possibilities of two guys making love to each other,
he wished he could think that there was no way his grandfather, his
grandfather, could want that from him, but he knew. No, there was no way he
would ever let him do that thing to him!
    He didn’t even know how guys did it. It had to be the same principle as
with a girl, right? But it was weird enough to think of doing that with Vel,
who he loved, let alone a stranger… no, let alone a member of his family, his
own flesh and frickin’ blood! That had to be one of the worst things ever, to
be nasty with your family, let alone a kid. He never paid attention during
church, but he knew at least that much, that people who hurt their family, who
did bad, nasty things to their kin, had to go to Hell, if a place like that
existed. If there was a God, and he let people who hurt their family get away
with it, he never wanted to have faith.
    He didn’t want to… now, he couldn’t. But… his grandfather was so much
bigger than him, stronger, and he was the adult here. She was just a dumb kid,
did he even have the option of saying now? Would his grandfather just do it
anyway? Then why bother giving him the option?
    “Do you love your brother?”
    Shi squeezed his eyes hut as an indescribable pain filled every inch of
him. Yes, yes, yes… he loved his brother, hadn’t he already confessed that he
loved him more than anything in the world, that he would protect him against
anything, even if that ‘anything’ was their own family? The thought of this…
man, touching his baby brother like he had touched him only minutes ago made
bile rise in his throat. His grandfather didn’t have the right to even think
about Eirie that way! He suddenly felt an intense bitterness. Why had his
parents left them all alone with this bastard? Why hadn’t they seen what a bad
person he was? His mother made them go to church, but she hadn’t seen the evil
in her father and now, Shi had to face it all alone. The worst part of that
feeling was that he didn’t hate his parents, not even a little, all of the
bitterness he felt was directed at himself, because he was helpless.
    He couldn’t fight back and even if he could, as terrible as the orange-eyed
man was right now, even if he did bad things, he was still Shi’s grandfather,
not even the worst evil could change that fact. They were family. He couldn’t
run away from it. He only had one option. Him or his brother, that was what
Cree had said. He had to protect Eirie. He was his responsibility… he had to
protect him, even if it meant he had to tear himself to shreds in order to do
it.
    Shi opened his eyes, but no tears escaped from him. The tears would come
later, he knew that instinctively, but not now. Now, he had to do his duty as a
big brother. He had to be strong, had to bear the brunt of the pain and fear,
for Eirie’s sake. Even if Eirie never knew Shi had made this choice for him.
No, Shi would make sure that Eirie never found out. Shi never wanted his little
brother to know that such people existed in the world, he never wanted to
change in Eirie’s eyes and if he knew about this… he knew Eirie wouldn’t love
him anymore, because what he was about to do was wrong. Wrong and dirty.
    “Ok,” the words escaped from him, almost like a whisper, though to Shi they
were loud and heavy, like a curse.
    Shi looked up at his grandfather, his red-orange eyes, which he had thought
were so cool when he had first saw him, now terrified him and he suddenly knew
how Eirie had felt when he had had that nightmare.
    “Alright, do it to me,” he said stronger this time, not relaxing even a
little when Cree let go of his shoulder, “Don’t touch Eirie.”
    “Good boy,” Cree said softly, in an affectionate way that made Shi want to
strike him.
    “Promise!” Shi said insistently.
    Cree had to promise, he would never believe him, but he had to promise. He
was doing this for Eirie’s safety, so he had to believe that his little brother
would be safe, would remain innocent, even if Shi had to… had to give up
everything. Because, though he had been too scared to admit it to anyone, when
he thought about sex lately, he always thought of his best friend and now… and
now that could never happen. He could never do that with Vel, not even in
twenty years, not after surrendering to what his grandfather was going to do to
him.
    “I promise,” his grandfather said with a small smile, “As long as you do
exactly as I say, I won’t touch him.”
    Shi looked away from him, satisfied with the promise, but only because he
couldn’t bear to think of the possibility of the man lying to him. Shi felt
Cree’s large, heavy hands caress his legs through his jeans and suddenly felt
the powerful urge to scream at him to stop, that he changed his mind and
couldn’t go through with it after all, but he refused to give sound to the
impulse, he would rather be struck dead as he sat than ever say those words.
    But still… still… he was filled with a silently screaming terror and
disgust as his grandfather’s hands traced his legs until his fingers reached
the zipper to his pants and lowered it. He had to bite his lip to keep the
scream in his throat from spilling out. He bit so hard, he tasted blood in his
mouth, but he found that he sort of liked the pain, because for a moment, it
kept his mind off of what was happening.
    “Are you going to cry?” Cree asked in genuine curiosity.
    Shi shook his head strongly, his long hair falling over one shoulder.
    “No,” he choked out.
    Cree didn’t say anything to that, but gave Shi a look of deep respect that
Shi instantly hated him for. Why did he have to look at him like that?! What
was there left to respect? He had always thought he was a good brother to
Eirie, that he could protect him, always, that he could conquer anything. He
was the big brother, the strong lion, he could do anything, he was infallible.
But all that had been a lie. He couldn’t even save his brother from their own
grandfather, couldn’t maintain that strength. He was worthless.
He couldn’t even fight, couldn’t scream. Every time he wanted to, he’d think:
What if Eir’ hears? He thought he would die of shame, actually die if Eirie
woke up during this, if he heard, if he knew… even if Eirie had no idea what
was going on. He’d bit his own tongue off to keep that from happening.
    Cree pushed his grandson back onto the bed and pulled his pants off of him.
He cupped his hands around Shi’s ass cheeks, examining his body almost
clinically. He smirked down at him and moved his hands to his waist.
    “You’re going to be quite the lady killer when you’re older,” he said
pleasantly.
    Shi was far from flattered by the compliment. Cree pushed his shirt up a
little and Shi tried to hide his lower body from him, but Cree shoved his knee
in between Shi’s legs to keep them open. He leaned down and softly kissed Shi’s
flat stomach. The affectionate touch, so light and loving, should have been a
balm on Shi’s broken heart in the wake of his throbbing shoulder, evidence of
his grandfather’s brutality, but it was worse than the pain. That gentle kiss
was almost his breaking point and he fought furiously against tears. He would
never give the bastard the satisfaction of seeing any sort of reaction to this…
especially his tears.
    Suddenly, with a strength that froze all of Shi’s muscles, Cree flipped Shi
onto his stomach and hovered over him. Shi felt his familiar pillow under his
cheek and tried to pretend that he was simply sleeping. This illusion was
swiftly shattered when he felt his grandfather part his buttocks with his
hands. Wit ha sharp, startled intake of breath, Shi tried to roll away from
those evil hands, but felt his grandfather pin him with an elbow in the middle
of his back.
    “Stop it,” Cree snapped.
    His grandfather’s promise about staying away from his little brother if he
behaved came back to Shi vividly and he immediately stopped moving, though his
thin frame shook and his heart beat wildly in fear. Every thought in his head
screamed at him about how horrible this was, but even he understood that, if he
stopped to listen to those thoughts, something inside of him would break. He
flinched as he felt something cold and unpleasantly slick being spread in
between his cheeks. His fear of the unknown and his curiosity were silence by
his fear of knowing what was going on. He didn’t want to know. It wouldn’t make
him feel better. He just wanted this nightmare to end.
    And yet… suddenly… he wanted to know why. Why was his grandfather doing
this, what was the point of it? Had he done it before, or was there some
reason, some importance behind him forcing Shi to have sex with him? No matter
how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t wrap his mind around it. If he just
had a reason… if there was some purpose to all of it… it wouldn’t be so bad. He
needed for there to be a reason, but he was terrified of what his grandfather’s
answer would be if he dared to ask.
    “Don’t worry,” Cree soothed as he felt and saw his grandson’s tension,
“This will be over before you know it.”
    Shi buried his face in his pillow, hiding the urge to shake his head
violently. Liar! He wanted to scream that at the top of his lungs. Why should
he believe a single damn word that this man said? He had come into his home,
had pretended to be this kind, playful man that would teach Shi and his brother
all the things in their mother’s past that she was too shy to say. He had
promised his own daughter that he would take care of her children, but it had
all been a lie. He wasn’t interested in protection, just mind games and seeing
how much he could hurt them. Why would he make this torture quick when it
already seemed like an eternity since his grandfather had finally dropped his
masks?
    “And once you’re older,” Cree continued, “You’ll come to enjoy it.”
    When he was older? Just what did that mean? He wasn’t confused by it, he
knew what his grandfather was saying, what he meant, but he didn’t want to
accept it, he didn’t want to even acknowledge it, the possibility that this
sick little deal his grandfather had made with him wasn’t going to be a one
time thing. Just the thought of having to endure it over and over and over tore
his insides to shreds.
    Suddenly, like some sort of terrible epiphany, Shi remembered what that boy
had told him about sex between a man and a woman, that a man would put his
penis inside a woman’s vagina. If sex between two men was anything remotely
like that, then… then…
    Shi didn’t even get the chance to finish his thought when he felt something
solid, hot, large, and wet slip in between his ass cheeks and press hard
against his hole. That was his grandfather’s dick, he realized numbly. He
hadn’t even heard him unzip his pants.
    Every slightly intelligent thought left him as his grandfather grabbed his
hips and forcefully pushed the head of his fat cock inside Shi’s body. Shi bit
down on his pillow as hard as he could to rob his scream of any sound, his fear
of Eirie waking up and what his grandfather would do, even if he hadn’t told
him he couldn’t make any noise, were the only things that kept him even
slightly sane as pain tore through him, along with the huge length that was
still pushing into him.
    It was nothing like he had thought. How could one part of his body cause
him such agony? When his mother had talked to him about sex, she had made it
sound like it was this wonderful thing, but if it felt like this, he never
wanted to do it with anyone. Was this how his mom felt when his dad made love
to her? It didn’t feel like there was any love involved in sex, so why did they
call it that anyway? How could anyone ever like this? Or maybe it was only good
for the one actually going inside you? Maybe that was why his mo let his dad do
that to her, because she loved him and she wanted him to be happy, even if it
meant she had to be in pain. He wondered if it felt good for his grandfather
and that was why he was doing it. Through the pain, he was glad that his baby
brother would never, ever experience something like this, he would die to see
to it that he never did.
    It hurt like nothing else he had ever felt, worse than broken bones and
shots and skinned knees all together. Was this what it felt like to die? He
knew his grandfather wouldn’t kill him, not if he wanted to have with him
again, but he couldn’t stop thinking that the pain was so bad, he would
actually die. Then, Shi felt Cree move inside of him and the pain escalated to
something white hot and insane.
    Time seemed nonexistent as he tried to focus on anything except the fact
that he was being raped, which was impossible. The world seemed both fuzzy and
vivid. He couldn’t remember what time it was, the name of the restaurant his
parents had gone to, or even what color his sheets were, but he could feel his
grandfather’s weight against his back, his fingers bruising his hips as he
thrust violent in and out of his battered body, and he could hear his own
voice, screaming wordlessly in his head. More than anything, he was aware of a
hot wetness on his leg that he knew was blood. You couldn’t feel this kind of
pain without some kind of… damage.
    He tried to block it out of his mind as the minutes passed him by, but it
was utterly impossible. Every time his mind drifted off to something else,
something comfortable, it just as quickly circled back. Eventually, the searing
pain edged off to throbbing, aching numbness, but it was far from any sort of
comfort. With the terrible pain gone, Shi started to notice things, things he
would have been quite happy to have been ignorant about for the rest of his
life. He could feel his grandfather’s hot breath ghosting over his ear as he
moved frantically against him. Now that the pain had left him, he could really
feel him inside of his body.
    It was so tight and that scared him, making him wonder if he was going to
be ripped to shreds. The thing inside of him felt too big, hot and wet, and he
wanted to curl in on himself at how sick and tired and dirty it made him feel.
His room smelled strange and he wondered if it was just the smell of sweat or
if the sex itself was what he smelled. His body felt hot, but his insides felt
like ice. He just wished his grandfather would just kill him, instead of
putting him through this.
    Shi’s eyes shot open at his own thoughts. Did he really want to die? He
thought that this was how a crazy person felt, like he was feeling too much and
nothing at all, all at the same time. He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t, not
yet. He could lie there and hope with every inch of himself that the bastard
would finish soon. He wanted to see Vel and Eirie and his parents again, but he
also wanted this to be over, he wanted everything to go back to what it had
been earlier today. He didn’t want to live with this heaviness in his chest,
this feeling of disgust and hopelessness, but he didn’t want to die, either. He
felt like he was being torn apart, in more ways than one.
    Shi grabbed at the pillow under his head with both hands, clutching it
tightly as he felt something wet, thick, and hot fill him. He grimaced at the
gross feeling it left him, but he understood that it wasn’t blood and that
meant that the horror was over. When his grandfather pulled out of him, with a
swiftness that awoken the pain in his backside in a sharp, shooting ache, he
had expected that feeling of insanity and heaviness, heat and cold, screaming
and crying, would finally leave him along with the man that had ripped so much
from him. He had thought that a huge relief would fill him and he would feel
proud of himself, because he had survived it and now his baby brother was safe.
    He felt nothing. His grandfather rolled over to sit on the edge of the bed
and Shi tucked his bony knees against his clothed chest, rolling onto his side.
He didn’t feel… anything. There was no relief, no pride, no anger, not even
sadness. He felt empty inside. He felt hollow. He didn’t even hate his
grandfather anymore. He didn’t trust him, and he felt this odd… tension when he
thought of what he had planned to do to Eirie. He even felt fear when he
thought of him going back on their deal, but deep inside of his mind, there was
this strange darkness, a loud buzzing, that was getting louder and louder and
deeper and deeper, drowning out his feelings and thoughts and leaving nothing
behind. He didn’t even feel like he was alive anymore and still, the only thing
he could think about was that it was worth it. Eirie was the same, even if Shi
never would be, and that was the only thing that mattered.
    Shi felt his grandfather place a hand on his bare leg, gripping it in what
Shi thought was supposed to be affection. There was a buzzing in the air and
the blonde realized that the man was talking to him, but he couldn’t make out
the words. He closed his eyes, letting it all wash over him. He dimly realized
that he couldn’t feel the blood or the pain anymore, even though he knew,
somehow, that he was in pain.

End Part 2
***** Part 3 *****
Chapter Summary
     Shi tries to deal with what his grandfather did to him, but quickly
     starts to fall apart. When he finds out from his parents that his
     grandfather is coming to visit again, will he be able to keep it
     together?
Poisoned Memories
Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows
Part 3

    Shi woke to the sound of the telephone ringing. He was in his bed still,
though someone had taken the time and effort to undress him and put him in the
pajama bottoms and t-shirt he always wore to bed. That it might have been his
mother who had dressed him made a brief spark of excitement shoot through him.
He could hug her, he thought, he could let her hold him like she did when he
was a little kid and maybe it wouldn’t make anything better, but he didn’t
care. He suddenly felt like a little kid with a sugar addiction, not even
caring if the candy tasted good, he just needed it. But then Shi rolled over to
look at the clock hanging on his wall and realized that he had been sleeping
for less than an hour. There was no way that his parents had come home yet,
which meant that his grandfather had cleaned him up and dressed him for bed.
    His grandfather had… had ‘fucked’ him, he had seen his lower body naked, so
why the thought that the man had dressed him was so unnerving and wrong eluded
him. Maybe because he felt that he didn’t have the right to. Even before he had
raped him… only his mom or his dad was allowed to tuck him in! The brief spark
of anger that went through him gave him the strength to roll out of bed. Pain
lanced up his back, but he ignored it.
    The phone had stopped ringing, though Shi did not know when it had stopped.
He hoped that it was his mother calling and that his grandfather had not
answered, so she would think there was something wrong and would rush home—Shi
swiftly cut off that train of thought. It was childish, and he quickly realized
that he wasn’t really a child anymore. Would his mother even consider him a
child, her child, if she knew? Would she make things better when she came home?
Would his father? So often in his life, they had soothed him, had taken away
pain. But would that be enough now? Maybe. He couldn’t bear to think that it
wouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop thinking of that possibility, either.
    His feeling of love of thinking of his parents vanished as quickly as he
had started to feel it, reawakening the numbness in him. The feeling scared him
a little, but he didn’t want to feel the way he had felt when his grandfather
had been on top of him. The numbness was better. Shi walked slowly to his door
and opened it. From the hallway, he heard that the TV was on. It struck him
then, like a punch, that Eirie was probably awake. Panic overwhelmed the
numbness in his heart and he was suddenly running down the hall towards the
kitchen. His baby brother was up, all alone with their grandfather…
    His grandfather’s promise rang in his head, but seemed so small and
pointless compared to the pain in his back and ass, the physical proof to who
his grandfather really was. He would never let his brother be alone with that
pervert! Shi stumbled to a stop when he reached the kitchen. His grandfather
was sitting at the table, drinking a steaming cup of coffee and Shi could see
through the open doorway on the other side of the room that Eirie was in the
living room watching cartoons, far enough from their grandfather to make Shi’s
terror fade away. His grandfather was watching Eirie, not with heat or longing
in his orange eyes, but looking like a grandfather watching his grandson. Shi
couldn’t understand it. Hadn’t he said ‘you or your brother’? So why had he
looked at Shi like that before, but not Eirie now? It made no sense to him, but
he was still glad. He didn’t want anyone looking at his brother like that.
    “You’re awake,” Cree finally noticed Shi and smiled at him. He frowned when
the nine year old only looked at him, wordlessly, like a cat, in nonchalance.
If it weren’t for the empty look in Shi’s red eyes, Cree would have thought
that the boy was starting him down. He took a sip from his coffee, as though
Shi’s disturbing behavior was normal.
    “A friend of yours called,” he told Shi, “He wanted to play with you
tonight. I told him you weren’t feeling well.”
    Suddenly, like some great wall had crumbled and given way, Shi’s heart woke
at the mention of Vel. It was completely overwhelming. Hundreds of emotions
flooded him all at once. He suddenly hated his grandfather and loved him,
equally. He wanted to see Vel… wanted to pretend that everything was exactly
the same as it had been when they had left each other that same after noon.
Damn, had that really been on the same day? It didn’t seem real. But he wanted
to see him, he knew that much… and yet… he didn’t. He loved Vel, so much that
it hurt like hell right now. He wanted to hug him and let that touch lie to him
into thinking that everything would be ok. But how could he see him? He was
filthy now, he wasn’t pure, wasn’t a kid or an innocent. He had sold his soul
for his brother’s. How could Vel ever like him now? How could he face him now
and not tell him the truth? He felt so battered… he felt broken inside and
lost… and he knew if he saw those beautiful, kind violet and gold eyes, he
wouldn’t be able to lie. Had his grandfather known that? Had he been kind and
spared him from seeing Vel now when he was too vulnerable?
    The thing was, his grandfather had raped him, but he hadn’t been cruel
about it. He hadn’t teased him or beat him. They had had sex, but it wasn’t as
harsh as it could have been. Cree was huge, he could have torn him apart, but
he had tucked him in like a little child. Shi’s conflicting feelings of hatred
and love for the man warred through him. He had hurt him… but he was family. He
had made him bleed… but he had been affectionate. He had broken him… but he was
giving him space and time to heal. He couldn’t understand any of it. Should he
hate him because he was a rapist? Should he love him because he was his
grandfather?
    “Thank you,” Shi said to Cree, but his voice was hollow and haunted.
    Cree frowned as Shi walked out of the kitchen and towards his brother. Shi
sat next to the redhead, who beamed up at him happily.
    “Shi!” he cheered, gleeful that he could stay up with his big brother,
“Grandpa said you were taking a nap, too!”
    Shi felt incredibly off balance as his brother chatted at him. All through
the sex, he had told himself that he had been doing it for his little brother,
but now, suddenly, here he was and his image of Eirie had paled in comparison.
He had suffered to save this boy…
    “Want to play a game?” Shi asked, forever playing his role as the loving
big brother. Eirie nodded happily.
    Shi loaded a video game into the game system they had, a racing game, since
Eirie was too young for the adventure games that Shi liked. His little, red
haired brother looked so happy as they played, but Shi remained silent. He felt
so strange, like he was dreaming. Normally, he would tease his brother as they
competed in the game, but he felt no urge to be ‘happy’ and he felt like
someone had stolen all his words. He should be relieved, should have held Eirie
close in the knowledge that he was safe, but he only felt stale and shocked,
like he was frozen in silence.
    Eirie’s bright smile vanished as he raced his brother. An hour passed, but
Shi was like a statue next to him. There was something wrong, Eirie could sense
that and he didn’t like it one bit. Had he made his brother mad somehow? He had
gone to sleep and Shi had been himself, but now he wasn’t speaking or smiling
or anything. His enjoyment in the game left him quickly. It just wasn’t the
same without his brother having fun, too. The controller fell from his little
hands, gaining Shi’s attention finally.
    “Eirie?” he asked in confusion. What could possibly be wrong? He was
playing with him, and he was safe, so why wasn’t Eirie happy? Only one of them
could be happy now, so why did he look so sad?
    “Are you mad at me?” the child asked, tears in his eyes.
    ‘He’s hurt so easily,’ Shi thought in astonishment. He wondered if he could
ever be like that ever again, in tears over thinking that he wasn’t liked.
    Mad? Was he mad at Eirie? He wondered at that. He studied the four year old
next to him. He suddenly realized that he wanted to hate him, very, very badly.
Because of his responsibility towards his brother, he had torn his soul apart.
It was Eirie’s fault, right? He should hate him, he should yell at him,
demanding to know why he always had to be the strong one?! Shi looked into his
brother’s deep, violet eyes.
    Shi smiled, a true, affectionate smile, and tackled his little brother.
Eirie giggled as Shi tickled him, sweeping him up in his arms and holding him
tightly.
    “Dummy,” he grinned, “How could I ever not like a little cutie like you?”
    “Not cute,” Eirie managed to pout through his giggles. Shi smirked and put
him down, handing him his controller.
    “I guess I’m still half-asleep,” he lied, “But I’ll pay attention now.”
    Shi watched Eirie as they returned to the game. He should hate him. Every
instinct and common sense he had told him that. But right then… no, always…. he
felt nothing but intense love for him. A bit of pain eased in his chest. Eirie
was safe and he loved him. As long as that remained the same, everything would
be fine.
*****
    Before their parents came home, Shi tucked his little brother into bed and
was confident that they would never find out that he had let him stay up late.
Eirie had been wired, but had obediently gone to bed, not wanting to get his
big brother in trouble. Not that it really bothered Shi anymore. He wondered if
he would cry if his parents yelled at him, because he felt so tightly wound, he
was sure that the slightest reprimand from his mom or dad would make him snap.
Waiting for their arrival, Shi had gone to his room and had locked the door,
not wanting the chance that his grandfather wanted to hurt him again. He had
waited for them anxiously, wanting badly for the monster to leave his
comfortable home and wanting to see his mother’s kind face, his father’s strong
form.
    His grandfather had made up his beds with new sheets and Shi wondered what
he had done with the dirty ones. The man wouldn’t be so stupid as to let his
mother see the bloody sheets, but it was just another something that he didn’t
think he really wanted to know. He had slept on those clean sheets when he had
blacked out after the rape, but he couldn’t even force himself to sit on the
corner of his bed. His familiar bed… it wasn’t his anymore, he dimly realized
as he stood there and looked at it. All he could see was his grandfather’s
thrusting body and his own bloody one…
    Shi shuddered violently and sat on his desk chair instead of his bed. He
sat there in the dark, having not turned on his bedside lamp, though the street
lamps outside lit his room dimly enough for him to see where he was going. He
didn’t know what was worse, the shadows that the light would set off, or the
things he would remember if he could see every detail of his room, which had
quickly become ‘enemy territory’ to him. This place had always been his
sanctuary, as a bedroom was to every child, but now… it smelled and was
haunting and disturbing. He sat in the dark, watching the clock on his wall,
his eyes following the second hand as it lethargically traveled, ticking down
moment after moment. He waited, feeling like a doll left in an attic somewhere,
still and lifeless.
    Shi heard the car in the driveway and the front door open, his parents’
familiar footsteps in the foyer, but only felt even more frozen, unable to even
breathe. His desire to see them died in his chest, stillborn. He thought of his
mother’s kindness and his father’s strength, this time in terror. How would he
greet them? Would he tell them what happened? What would they think of him? And
even worse… if he did tell… would his mother protect him against her own
father? He was dirty now and he was petrified that she would stop loving him
because of it, that she would be happy that it had been him, and not Eirie. He
didn’t want to believe that the mother he loved so much would betray him like
that, but he couldn’t see another possibility, unable to believe in the face of
his filth that she would still love him.
    In the end, it was his love for his mother, even though he was sure she
would deny him, and his need to see his grandfather leave with his own eyes,
that made him get off the chair and open his door, following his mother’s voice
to the kitchen. To Shi’s excitement, his grandfather already had his jacket on
and was saying his goodbyes. He was glad that the man was not going to linger.
    “I’ll see you next Saturday,” Cree was saying.
    Shi’s stomach fell to his toes.
    “Shi,” his mother greeted with her usual bright smile.
    “What does he mean next Saturday?” Shi asked, feeling frantic.
    “Your grandpa is going to baby sit you guys next weekend, too, kiddo,” his
father said, smiling like his mother was.
    “But why?!” Shi demanded, “Why does he have to baby sit us?!”
    “Honey…” Anjaleque gasped, shocked by his behavior and the strange, wild
look in his eyes, a look that had never been there before. There was something
different about him, something that terrified her, but she didn’t even know
what it was.
    Cree lightly touched her shoulder.
    “Don’t be hard on the boy, Anna. He hasn’t been feeling well tonight. He
didn’t even have any pizza,” Cree said, but he was looking at Shi instead of
his daughter.
    “Oh, sweetie,” Anjaleque’s shock melted into concern, “What’s wrong?”
    “… My stomach hurts,” Shi murmured and it was the truth. The thought of his
grandfather coming back in only one week made agony rip through his stomach.
    “Well, I’ll be off,” Cree said with a smile. He squeezed Shi’s shoulder as
he passed him, where he had grabbed him before, but Shi did not wince, though
it hurt him. Shi could not tell if it was a silent warning or not, but he
didn’t care.
    The three of them watched Cree go, Anjaleque waving and promising to call
him. As Cree finally left the house, Shi watched him. His face was void of all
feeling and he was frozen where he stood. The only indication that he felt
anything at his grandfather’s leaving was his right hand, which was curled into
a tight fist.
Inside, however, was a different story. When the door closed behind the tall
man, the steel bands around Shi’s heart, which until then, had kept his
feelings and vulnerabilities locked up tight, cracked and shattered. For the
first time since his grandfather had made that deal with him, Shi felt tears
truly threaten him.
Jonathan watched his son and frowned. The boy was so quiet, which wasn’t normal
for Shi, who was usually happy and chatty, and he looked pale. He worried that
he might be coming down with something, something that might threaten young
children like Shi and, especially, Eirie.
    “Maybe you should go to bed,” he said kindly, “I’m sure your mom will make
you some soup tomorrow, for your tummy.”
    Shi nodded, but didn’t say anything, which made Jonathan worry that he was
in more pain than he was saying.
    “I’ll tuck you in,” Anjaleque said, but froze at the way that Shi looked at
her.
    “Don’t,” he told her, “I can do it myself.”
    She nodded hesitantly, feeling hurt at his brushing her off. She watched
him as he went up the stairs to his room, walking slowly, as though he were
carrying a heavy weight. Jonathan hugged her from behind, wrapping his arms
around her waist.
    “It’s alright,” he soothed her, “All boys go through this phase. He isn’t
being cruel, he’s just getting older and doesn’t want to be treated like a baby
anymore. And Shi’s more mature than the other kids his age.”
    Anjaleque sighed.
    “I know. Shi’s nine, not a little kid like Eirie is. I know I can’t tuck
him in and treat him like a child forever,” she said with a deep sadness, “I
know he’s growing up faster than the kids in his class, but I just wish I had
more time, before he grows up too fast. I don’t want him to leave his childhood
behind so soon…”
    Jonathan smiled, brushing his lips against her slender neck in a gentle
kiss.
    “It’s not all that bad. You’re not losing him. He’s still Shi and he’s
starting to become a little adult. You’ve already told him about ‘love’. Before
you know it, he’ll be asking about the birds and the bees, too, and is that so
bad? There’s a whole other world of things we can share with him. I’ll miss
tucking him in, too, but you can’t hold him back, love.”
    “I know,” Anjaleque murmured, “I just… I feel like something is wrong.”
    “It’ll be fine,” he comforted, “We just need to get used to this new Shi,
that’s all.”
    Anjaleque nodded, but couldn’t shake her feelings.
*****
    The second Shi closed his door, he sat in the corner between his bed and
the far wall, hiding himself. He wrapped his arms around his knees, his stomach
feeling like it was ripping itself apart. Guilt joined the pain and depression.
Why had he told his mother not to tuck him in? He wanted her to… wanted to feel
her touch and her kiss on his forehead, he wanted her to reassure him that he
was safe under her care.
    But, if he felt her touch on his dirty skin, he was sure he would break. If
she touched him, he was sure that he would end up sobbing and if she saw that,
she would get the truth out of him. Should he tell? Would it even make a
difference? In the end, if he told, would he be putting Eirie in danger? Those
questions were so painful, even more painful than telling his mother not to
tuck him in out of fear of her ability to make him feel weak and loved.
Shi buried his face in his knees and felt his tears finally stream down his
cheeks in such an incredible, violent torrent, he wondered if he could survive
it. Even the possibility of his grandfather’s threat… if he told, Cree would
rape his gentle, baby brother to punish him. He couldn’t let that happen. Even
if he had to keep this secret for the rest of his life, for his brother, he
would. Even if it hurt. Even if it killed him. He was breaking into little
pieces. He felt isolated from his family. How could he talk to them, knowing
what had happened earlier today? He felt like this… this alien thing that would
be spotted and thrown out the second he showed his true colors. His grandfather
had shown him, but he was still loved. It wasn’t fair!
    Shi had never been this weary in his entire life. He was so tired, but if
he slept, would he dream? That thought scared him, that he might dream. But he
needed sleep. Maybe, if he slept, the morning would come and everything would
be better. He wiped at his face, rubbing his eyes, trying to get rid of the
wetness that was making his heart feel thin and vulnerable. He climbed into his
bed and lied down on his back, not even pulling the sheets over him or trying
to close his eyes. Tears still poured down his face and his stomach churned
unpleasantly, but he refused to sob, both because he was scared of his own
sorrow, and because he was scared of someone hearing him. He felt like he was
lying in filth and stink, the knowledge of what he and his grandfather had done
on this bed gnawing at him.
    Shi lied there for two hours. He did not close his eyes, let alone sleep.
He had tried to close them, but had only become shockingly aware of shadows
around him that did not exist, and heavy hands on his body that were not there.
His tears had stopped, but he still felt like he was crying somehow. He bit at
his lip, utterly frustrated by his inability to sleep and his exhaustion. With
a snort of irritation, he rolled out of bed, pulling his sheets with him. He
curled up on his hard floor and instantly felt more comfortable. As long as he
wasn’t lying on that damn bed.
    He shivered as he wrapped his sheets around him. Could he sleep this way,
night after night? He didn’t want to be scared of his own bed! He didn’t want
to sleep on this cold floor, terrified of the shadows around him and under his
bed. But he was so tired…
Shi finally managed to close his eyes and though shadows still threatened his
thoughts, they weren’t quite so solid, weren’t quite so claw like. He kept his
eyes closed firmly, refusing to open them until he had slept.
    He managed an hour before he was shooting awake, covering his mouth to keep
from screaming, his back and rear pounding in pain. He lied there for several
minutes, looking up at the dark ceiling, his chest rising and falling rapidly
as he panted. He couldn’t remember what he had dreamed, but it had been
something horrible. He stumbled to his feet, abandoning his nest of blankets
like a fox kit leaving his den and shakily left his room.
    His skin was covered with sweat and he was glad he had his t-shirt on,
though he didn’t kid himself into thinking he was sweaty because of the warm
night. He just considered himself lucky that he hadn’t tossed and turned so
much that he had knocked his head against his bed’s frame. It didn’t make any
sense to him, why he felt so weak and unbalanced. It was over, he told himself.
But how he had felt then had carried over somehow, it hadn’t gone away. Would
he feel this way for the rest of his life? Maybe he would get used to it… but
he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to get used to it. He just wanted his old
life back, but was lost as to how to get it back.
    He opened his door as silently as he could as he crept into the hall. Eirie
was usually a deep sleeper. His father often joked that he slept the sleep of
the ‘innocent’ and couldn’t be woken up even if there was a flood. Shi had
never understood what the sleep of the innocent was, but he did now. Eirie had
nothing to worry about. To him, the world was perfect. To a little kid, having
a loving family, a big brother to play with, and all the cookies you could eat,
if Mother was willing, was heaven. Not too long ago, Shi had been just like
him. Sure, he had been a little lonely, but mostly, he had been happy. Now, all
he could think about was his doubts and he couldn’t stop questioning all those
little things that had made his life so happy and perfect. Namely, the love of
his family and friend and what the future would be like for him, mostly the
future of next weekend. Never before had he put such a stake in the future. He
had always thought of it as something inevitable, but something he didn’t
really have to worry about. If anything bad did happen in the future, his
parents would make sure everything would turn out all right. He had told
himself that… but he now realized he could no longer believe in it and he
missed that kind of… innocence.
    Their father was only half right, though. When Eirie had a nightmare, he
woke up at the drop of a pin. Shi wondered if there grandfather had caused his
little brother to have any bad dreams, but the redhead had seemed ok with the
man’s presence towards the end, which had irked Shi more than just a little. It
wasn’t Eirie’s fault, it was Cree’s, for not showing the world who he really
was.
Thankfully, their parents’ bedroom door was open, so Shi didn’t worry about
waking Eirie with it. His little brother got adorably cranky if he woke up too
many times during the night. Shi stood in the open doorway for a few minutes,
hesitant to venture inside of the room. Why had he come here? He couldn’t go
back to sleep, he felt, but standing in the darkness wasn’t making him feel any
better. Oddly, the shadows out here didn’t bother him like the ones in his room
did.
    Shi walked into the room, which was dimly lit, like his own, by the street
lamps outside. He frowned and felt strangely disappointed when he found that
both of his parents were deeply asleep. He felt… betrayed and wished that they
would wake up, but was too scared to wake them himself. It puzzled him, the
need to see them awake. Hadn’t he been so mean to his mother and lied to her
because he hadn’t wanted to see her?
    His mother was lying on her side facing him. For once, her long, beautiful
hair was loose and spilled over her shoulder, over the bed. His father was
curled up against her back, his arm around her waist and his head resting
against her neck. The way they looked, snuggling against each other, made
something in his chest hurt. They looked like the young couples on the TV. They
looked like they loved each other. No, not just loved each other, but were in
love with each other. That evidence of their love made the pain grow sharper
and more real, even though Shi knew that it was not physical. He felt like he
would start crying again, but forced them to stay deep inside his heart.
    He wanted to tell them. He wanted to tell them all of it, about the
darkness that his grandfather had awakened in him, about how scared he was and
how much he hated… hated himself. He wanted to beg that all he had wanted was
to protect Eirie, that was noble, right? So why did it hurt so much? They would
still love him because he had saved Eir’, right? Right? He wanted to say those
things. His breath caught in his throat and he stood there in the dark, frozen,
just like he had been ever since… that moment.
    “Now, why don’t we give the guy a break, for your mother’s sake if nothing
else.”
    The pain in his chest exploded inside of him and he felt like it had moved
up to his head as it started to throb. How could he have been thinking about
telling his mother that her father had raped him and had threatened Eirie? His
mother loved her father! And now they had made up after their fight and she was
happy. There was no way that he was going to take that away from her. Not for
anything in the world. If she found out… she would be devastated. And, after
all this time of missing her daddy, would she even stay on his side about this,
or would Cree lie and say that Shi was making it up? Wouldn’t she want to
believe him instead? And wouldn’t she hate Shi for making up such a lie? In the
end, he didn’t think it mattered, he just couldn’t hurt her. He now knew what
it felt like to be betrayed and hurt by someone you were supposed to love. He
would never do that to her.
    “Shi, baby, what’s wrong?” his mother’s clear, worried voice roused Shi
from his thoughts.
    His mother’s voice had also woken his father as she sat on the edge of the
bed and he yawned widely. Shi immediately felt guilty for waking them up for
nothing. He also immediately came up with a lie in his head, but paused. He had
never lied to his parents before today. Whenever he got in trouble, he had
never been able to lie about it, he had always confessed. When had it become so
easy to lie to his parents? He had confirmed his grandfather’s lie that he had
a stomachache earlier so readily and now, he was ready to lie again, and for
what? It only made him feel guilty and the lie hadn’t made his parents any less
worried about him.
    “I had a bad dream,” he confessed in a small voice.
    Anjaleque was opening her arms to him out of instinct before she even
remembered the talk she and Jonathan had had about Shi growing up. To her
surprise, he hugged her and buried his head in her stomach, already so tall at
nine years old, she was sure he would be up to her chest in just a few years.
She was scared to think of what would happen when he went through his first
real growth spurt when he became a teenager. She smiled to herself as she
realized how tightly her son was holding her, like his life depended on it. It
reminded her of when he had been Eirie’s age and he had hugged her the same
way. It made her worry about him and his nightmare, but at the same time, she
just felt so happy that he wasn’t a rude, mature, avoiding teenager yet. Not so
grownup, then.
    She hugged him back, drawing him closer to her, and gently stroked his hair
like she always did when he was distraught.
    “It’s ok, baby,” she soothed.
    Shi closed his eyes as he could feel his mother’s warmth all around him. He
wouldn’t cry, he told himself, but he could feel it in his chest and knew that,
sooner or later, it was inevitable. Even if he was sick of crying like a dumb
little kid. He felt his father’s hand on his shoulder and for a moment, he was
reminded of his grandfather’s large hand, and how there were bruises on his
hips in the shape of that hand. The thought was fleeting, but he immediately
hated himself for even thinking that there could ever be a comparison between
the two men. He looked up into his father’s green eyes.
    “I’ll get you a glass of water,” he said in a tone filled with paternal
love and left for the kitchen.
    Shi sat beside his mother on the bed, blushing darkly as she hugged him to
her side, but it had nothing to do with embarrassment. He loved them, both of
them. He loved that his mother could hold him like this, not even annoyed that
he had woken them up, and was willing to comfort him. He loved his father for
trying to make things better. The love for them filled his heart with extreme
heat and made his anxieties seem small and stupid. Would they really hate him
just because he had tried to protect his brother? And yet… it was because he
loved them so much that he could never say it, and his fears would not leave
him. He couldn’t risk it.
    He knew now, with absolute clarity, that he would never tell his mother.
Not ever. Because it would break her heart and he never wanted to be
responsible for that. He felt broken, consumed by darkness and fear, but he
would keep it locked up, deep inside his heart, even if his inability to ever
release it was already making this strange… hurtful anger build up inside of
him. There was no justice, no fairness. His grandfather had done something
wrong, something evil, and he would never be punished for it. No, it was even
worse than that. He would continue to do that evil thing to him, until he grew
bored of it, over and over and over, and there was nothing anyone would do to
stop him, let alone punish him for it.
    Shi had lived his life, previously believing that there was a system of
right and wrong in the world. Like most children, he had lived in a world that
put bad guys in jail, while the heroes that put them there were graciously
rewarded for their noble deeds. But not anymore. That world was long dead and
sitting there, watching it die and crumble around him had awakened this strange
rage in him, as though he felt affronted that no one had bothered to tell him
that such a world could exist. Could he even survive here? He wasn’t sure he
wanted to find out.
    Shi finished the glass of water that his father gave him, and it did help a
little. He made to go back to his room, back to bed, but didn’t. It was almost
like a magnetic pull, but he would have gone to his little brother’s room, even
if there hadn’t been. He needed to see him, to make sure he was safe. He knew
that he was, he had been the one to tuck him in again, but he suddenly needed
to be with him.
    Sure enough, Eirie was still fast asleep, Mr. Jellybean clutched in one
little hand. Shi got into the bed with him, like he often did when Eirie had
nightmares, though this time, it had been him who had had the bad dream. He
hugged Eirie tightly to him and his little brother made a cute, little whining
noise, but snuggled up to him. His little body was warm, comforting, and
familiar. Most all, it was safe. The realization of that made his tears finally
burst out of him. As long as Eirie was safe, he could survive anything. Even
this.
    It was Shi’s sobs that woke Eirie up. He blinked his violet eyes in the
room that was dimly lit by his nightlight and looked up at his brother, whose
face was contorted in deep sorrow that sent Eirie into a panic. His brother
didn’t cry. This wasn’t right. He wrapped his arms around Shi’s neck.
    “Shi, what’s wrong?” he asked frantically.
    Shi’s red eyes were even redder after crying so hard. He hugged Eirie
tighter, but made sure that he could not possibly hurt him.
    “It’s just a bad dream,” he murmured to the little redhead, “Everything
will be better in the morning.”
    Eirie settled, not realizing that Shi had been talking to himself.
*****
    “Are you ok?” Vel asked as the two of them ate their lunch together Monday
in the school’s cafeteria.
    Shi nodded, but didn’t say anything. Vel frowned at him. His best friend
had been acting strangely ever since this morning. He hardly spoke, which was
weird for Shi, who always said hi first, and he wasn’t even eating his lunch.
Their seemed to be a dark cloud that followed him everywhere and Vel really
didn’t like the weird look in Shi’s eyes. He couldn’t help but be worried about
him. For some reason, the sad expression on the other blonde’s face made Vel’s
stomach twist into knots.
    “Are you still sick?” he tried to get Shi to talk to him. He remembered how
his supposed grandfather had answered the phone on Friday and how suspicious he
had been. He had talked to Shi hours before, so how could he have been too sick
to answer the phone? But Shi was still acting like he wasn’t feeling well, so
maybe it had been that bad.
    Shi shook his head again.
    “I’m fine,” he murmured, “I’m just tired.”
    He didn’t tell Vel that he had spent the entire weekend tossing and turning
on his bedroom floor, unable to sleep because of nightmares and his fears. He
was just so happy, being with his friend. It was giving him all the contrast he
needed between the old world and this new one he had found himself in. Vel
still cared for him… his brother was safe… his family was still intact… these
were the only things that mattered to him anymore.
    But it was so hard concentrating during school and trying to pretend that
everything was fine, that it was just like it had always been. Being around his
brother had helped, the proof that he had done well, and his smiles had always
made Shi smile, even if he felt like he had nothing to smile about. Going to
school had been much harder than dealing with his family. Just seeing Vel
again, knowing what he had done that Friday night and feeling dirty and
ashamed, had been painful, but also wonderful, because Vel had somehow managed
to make some of the darkness go away just by being there. Once again, he
wondered if he could survive these strange feelings. He didn’t even feel like
eating. It was actually a massive relief to be at school, so he didn’t have to
force himself to eat.
    All he could think about was how many days, how many hours, how minutes,
how many seconds before he had to see his grandfather again. He told himself
that it was just exhaustion. He had slept about ten hours between Friday,
Saturday, and Sunday and he was starting to feel like he was on some terrible
rollercoaster that would never stop. He felt sick to his stomach all the time.
When he was at home, he forced himself to eat because he didn’t want his
parents to think that there was something wrong with him, but he felt so
horribly sick afterwards. The only thing that didn’t make him feel that way was
water. So, he drank and drank and drank, to try to fool himself that he was
putting something inside of him that would make him less hungry.
    He felt angry all the time now, too. When he was around his family, it
wasn’t so bad, just a dull roar inside of him, but when he had gone to school,
it had awoken in him, like a ferocious beast. Every look from his peers had
sent waves of it through his heart and he had wanted to hurt them, to put them
in their place so they wouldn’t look at him anymore! He hated this new part of
himself. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, right? He wasn’t that kind of person…
but now… he just felt this rage inside…
    Shi got up to dump his lunch into the trash and bumped into another boy.
    “Watch where you’re going, blondie!” the boy jeered at him and strode off.
    Shi’s hand curled into a fist and his anger was so great, his entire arm
shook with it. He was suddenly overcome with the desire to chase after the boy
and beat him to a pulp. It was only Vel’s hand suddenly on his arm that stopped
him from doing it. And suddenly, just like that, the worst of the anger started
to ebb off at his friend’s presence.
    “Shi, it’s ok,” Vel insisted, scared by the sudden emotion in Shi’s eyes,
that had seemed so dark only a few seconds ago. But once that fiery emotion was
gone and the darkness came back in them, Vel found that he was actually more
scared by the darkness than the anger. Why was Shi so sad? He couldn’t figure
out why he had that look.
    “Thank you,” Shi said and for a moment, Vel thought that the old Shi was
back, even if he couldn’t figure out why Shi was thanking him.
    They left the cafeteria with Shi thinking about his shaking fist and the
clock in his head that was still ticking down the seconds until Saturday.
*****
    When Saturday finally did arrive, Shi was such a mass of nerves, he
couldn’t eat or sleep, even drinking didn’t help it. That week had been bad
enough. He had failed his math test on Friday because he had been too anxious
about the weekend to study or sleep. His dad had been upset, but to Shi’s
surprise, he hadn’t yelled at him, he was just worried that Shi was coming down
with something serious. His mother had wanted to take him to the doctor’s, but
his father had wanted to wait until he was sure Shi was getting sick. Shi was
glad. He didn’t want some strange man poking and prodding him. Doctor’s visits
had been unpleasant in the past, but now… he didn’t know if he could sit
through one anymore. He just couldn’t go through the motions of class anymore,
his mind distant and unfocused. Vel knew there was something wrong, Shi
realized, but his concern only made him happy. He thought that, if he lost his
friend now, he might break even more than he already had.
    Saturday greeted him with intense nausea and a strange chill that Shi knew
had nothing to do with any illness. His body shook as he lied on his bedroom
floor, thinking of all the things his grandfather was going to do to him when
he came. His heart pounded violently even as he lied perfectly still. When he
finally got up that morning, it was to vomit. His dad had heard him and, to
Shi’s immense relief, had decided that he and Anjaleque would stay home,
worried about him. That relief had shattered when Anjaleque had welcomed Cree
into the house anyway, saying that they could stay home together. To Shi’s
surprise, his grandfather hadn’t seemed at all put off by this, which confused
him. Had his promise that they would do this more than once been a bluff? Hope
crawled sneakily into his heart and died when his grandfather suggested taking
him and Eirie outside for a little fresh air.
    It had been warm that day, so when their grandfather told Eirie to stay by
the swings while he and Shi talked privately, Eirie had been happy just to
swing and play in their back yard. Shi had known what was going to happen even
before Cree had led him to the shed where his father had the yard tools. Cree
had locked the door behind them and Shi’s private hell had repeated itself.
Well, it wasn’t quite a repeat. This time, Cree had used more of the slippery
stuff and he hadn’t bled like he had the first time, but it had still hurt.
    When they had finished and Eirie had greeted them by the swing set, Shi had
thought that he would burst into tears, but he was used to pushing them down by
then. They had gone inside and Shi had immediately found himself in the
bathroom again, dry heaving. His mother had been alarmed by this and had tucked
him into bed, his grandfather leaving early. For the first time since he had
been Eirie’s age, she had sung him to sleep and for the first time in over a
week, he slept in his bed. It was inevitable, his subconscious had finally
realized, and he had to get used to sleeping in this bed or he would probably
go insane from fear and lack of sleep. It was a good thing to start sleeping
there, anyway. Sooner or later, his mother was going to find out, he realized,
and he didn’t want her to stop tucking him in at night just because he was
scared of her finding out that he was sleeping on the floor. When he woke
Sunday, he learned that Cree would likely be visiting every weekend. This time,
instead of the violent reaction of that week, he just felt numb again and
accepted it.
    It had almost made him laugh. He was in hell and he had better get used to
it, because things wouldn’t ever get better. Then, after much begging and
pleading from Shi to his mother who thought he had the flu, Vel visited to play
and Shi grabbed his light through the dark clouds that was his new life,
thinking that without him, he would lose his mind. By Monday, the residual
nausea of being in a state of fear for so long had finally worn off, but school
wasn’t any better than staying at home. His hell followed him wherever he went
now. There was no stopping it.
    He went to Math on Monday and found that his father had called his teacher
and had explained Shi’s illness to him. His teacher was willing to let him make
it up and Shi vowed that, this time, he would try as hard as he could, so his
dad would be proud of him. What unsettled Shi more than the dark feelings that
his grandfather had awoken in him was the fact that, as the days passed him by,
he was starting to see what had happened as less shocking and more… a part of
his life. You weren’t supposed to feel that way, were you? But he did. He still
had nightmares, but they weren’t as vivid. Damn, but… he was getting used to
all of it.
    The only thing he wasn’t getting used to was the anger. It wasn’t bad at
all when Vel was around, but sometimes, the feeling took him completely by
surprise. Still, he was able to smile now, and that went a long way to keep Vel
from asking Shi questions that he was neither ready to tell the truth about, or
lie about. He didn’t realize that Vel was still worried about him, though that
feeling faded a little when Shi sat down at lunch with him and ate his food,
unlike last week.
    “You want to hang out Friday?” Vel asked as he undid the top of his pudding
cup. Well, it was really Shi’s pudding cup, but Shi had gotten so frustrated
with Vel’s poor quality lunch, he had begged his mom to give him two of them
and she had conceded.
    Shi nodded his head vigorously. A day with Vel was exactly what he needed.
    “How about a sleep over at your house?” Vel suggested.
    He would never admit it out loud, but Vel hated his home. Nothing had
changed since they had first moved there. His mother still wouldn’t talk to him
unless he did something that she found immoral. The only time they were ever
physically close to each other was when they were sitting at the pews in
church. His mom dragged them there all the time, at least four times a week.
She made Vel go to confession while she taught Taka how to pray ‘properly’.
When he was forced to walk down those long rows up to the booth, and was
affectively trapped in the small box, he would look back and see her holding
Taka’s hands together, them smiling at each other, and feel a terrible
bitterness inside.
    She was punishing him and rewarding Taka, he had realized on night. He had
to confess sins he had never even committed while his brother got to ask God
for things, like they were good friends. When he told the priest on the other
side of the booth that he didn’t have any sins to confess, he was always
scolded for lying and in the end, would just lie about stealing and swearing so
he could leave the claustrophobic cage. At the end of these sessions, Vel would
think that, if this was what religion was about, then he hated God. He would
then swiftly pinch his arm so hard, he would end up bleeding, because his
mother told him that turning ones back on God was the worst sin of all, and
such thoughts were evil. He didn’t want to be evil. More than that, he didn’t
want his mother to think he was evil.
    She hated him and he knew that, so he would do anything for her to make her
love him again. He sat quietly in church and thought of time when she had loved
him instead of thinking about how great God was. Was that a sin, too? He
couldn’t keep track of all the things that were sins and things that were good.
It even seemed like one thing could be both good and evil at the same time. It
just made his head hurt, but his mother loved going to church and talking about
God’s greatness, so he went without comment.
    Going to Shi’s house was the most wonderful thing in the world. There were
no crosses, no mothers with cold looks, or little brothers who were lavished
upon while he was expected to always be loving and protective of him. Shi’s
mother was always kind to him and kissed him on the cheek and made his favorite
foods, even if her own children didn’t like them as much. Why couldn’t he have
a mother like that? That was all he wanted, a mother who loved him, a father
that would look at him like Shi’s father looked at his sons. Oh, but he wasn’t
jealous of Shi. He loved him too much to ever be jealous of him. You weren’t
supposed to be jealous of your friends anyway. He was pretty sure that that was
a sin, too.
    “No!” Shi shouted.
    Vel stared at him with wide eyes. Shi loved it when he slept over. Of
course, Shi was acting so weird lately… it hurt him to realize that whatever
was going on, Shi wasn’t telling him. Yeah, that hurt, considering that Shi
told him everything and never lied.
    “What I mean is,” Shi immediately back pedaled, his heart pounding at the
thought of Vel meeting his grandfather face to face, “My grandfather is coming
over Saturday, so you can sleep over Saturday night when he leaves, but not
Friday. He’ll probably show up Saturday afternoon.”
    Vel sighed at the explanation.
    “Your grandfather visits an awful lot, doesn’t he?” he asked.
    His relatives never visited, but even if they did, they wouldn’t visit
three weekends in a row. Shi shrugged at the comment.
    “You don’t like him very much do you? Why not?” Vel questioned.
    Shi didn’t like talking about his grandfather, so Vel knew that he was
poking the bear with a sharp stick, but he was genuinely curious. Shi didn’t
like his Aunt Ursula, either, but he had never been shy about letting Vel
knowing what it was about her that he found so irritating.
    “He’s a jerk,” Shi answered tersely.
    “A jerk?” Vel raised one white-blonde eyebrow, “But he seemed so nice on
the phone…”
    “Well, he’s not,” Shi snapped, “He’s mean.”
    “Ok, he’s mean. Why don’t you just tell your mom not to let him come around
again if he’s mean to you?” Vel left it at that.
    If Shi said that his grandfather was mean, then he was mean, that was all
there was to it. Shi stared at him in shock.
    “You believe me?” he whispered.
    Shi’s voice was so small and in awe that Vel found himself starting back,
shocked at the change in his best friend. He nodded slowly.
    “Of course I believe you, why would you lie?” he pointed out.
    Shi swallowed roughly. He had been so scared of no one believing him if he
said anything bad about his grandfather, he had never considered that someone,
especially Vel, would believe him.
    “She loves him,” he said meekly, “I mean, that’s her daddy, so of course
she loves him. I can’t hurt her like that.”
    “I guess not,” Vel mused.
    He had the same problem. He thought that his mother would feel a lot better
if she started dating again. If she found someone to love, she would stop
obsessing about his father, he was sure of that. But he also knew that, if he
brought up the subject, it would just hurt her, and he didn’t want to do that.
    “Hey, you wanna see a picture my little brother drew?” Shi suddenly asked
excitedly.
    He was so sick of all these depressing things. He didn’t want to think or
talk about his grandfather anymore. Vel nodded and Shi took a piece of paper
out of his book bag that had been packaged with care. Vel stared at it in
surprise.
    “This is beautiful,” he murmured.
    On the paper, Eirie had drawn the field behind their house in perfect
detail and vibrant color. Well, as perfect detail as a four year old could
manage, but it was done much better than other four year olds could have drawn
it. The hundreds of butterflies fluttering above the high grass were also done
in excruciating detail that made Vel truly appreciate the care and beauty that
had been put into it.
    “Isn’t it?” Shi said with a big grin, “He’s going to be big one day! I
mean, he’s always drawing, but when he really puts effort into it, it’s
amazing. I wish I had a talent like that.”
    Vel smirked.
    “You’ll find a talent one day,” he said.
    Shi snorted.
    “Yeah, right. I’m not smart or talented in anything. So I can play sports
ok, so what? I don’t want to be a stupid jock,” he pouted.
    Vel laughed.
    “Shi, there are kids twice my age who would kill to be a jock. High school
sports are serious business. You could get a scholarship or something…” he
tried to point out.
    “I don’t care,” Shi protested, “Sports are pointless. Who cares if you
score a goal? Sure, winning is nice, but it’s not important. But Eirie’s
drawings… he could be in a gallery when he’s grown up. He could really make
people feel things! Art is more important.”
    “Hey what’s this?” a snide voice came from behind Vel and the picture was
plucked from his fingers.
    “Hey, give it back!” Vel demanded, whirling in his seat.
    The boy that he had had a confrontation with weeks ago about his
relationship with Vel was standing there, the picture clutched in his hand and
a superior smirk on his face. Shi got to his feet, his rage awakening and
hissing.
    “Give it back,” he growled, storming up to the boy, “That’s my brother’s,
so you’d better give it back!”
    The boy cruelly waved the drawing at him.
    “Oh, poor baby. Did I steal your beloved brother’s pretty picture? If you
love him so much, why don’t you marry him? Though, I guess your wedding night
would be pretty sick!” the boy shoved Shi back.
    The rage came full force, in a way that he hadn’t felt since the night Cree
had raped him. He had had plenty of fights in the last two weeks, so bitter and
angry about his fate, he no longer was able to control his feelings, but he had
never before wanted to hurt someone so much as this boy.
    “I thought I made things clear, either I do this to you… or your brother.”
    Shi didn’t even realize that he wasn’t breathing anymore, his heart racing
wildly in his chest. He… he wasn’t like his grandfather, was he? They were
related by blood, so there, inevitably, were things that were alike about them,
and that sickened Shi thoroughly. Were they alike in… that, too? Was that what
this boy was implying? That he loved his little brother so much that he wanted
to have sex with him? Was that why his grandfather had done it? Because he
loved him so much?
    It ate at his heart. This boy didn’t know the lengths he had gone to
protect the little brother that he loved. He didn’t know how hellish school was
for him, not just because he couldn’t concentrate or that he was jealous of his
classmates, who had remained the same, unchanged. He couldn’t concentrate, not
because of his nightmares, though that was a small part of it, but because of
his intense fear of his grandfather coming after Eirie while he was at school.
He couldn’t stop thinking of that, hating school because he couldn’t be there
to protect his brother. He counted down the seconds when he could see his
brother again, when he had to see his grandfather again, when he could see Vel…
he was always counting down time, hoping that the unpleasant moments would just
pass him by. So how dare this boy assume to know anything?! He was hurting…
always hurting… and he was so sick of it… why couldn’t someone else be in pain?
    The boy was falling backwards to the floor before Shi had even realized he
had punched him in the face. Blood poured out of the boy’s nose and he curled
up on the ground, crying over the force and pain of the blow. Both Shi and Vel
were in shock over it. Shi saw the blood and felt panic wrap over his heart. He
had punched him. Not just a little tap, either, but he might have broken the
other boy’s nose. He had… struck someone. He was no better than his
grandfather…
    “Shi, breathe,” Vel ordered and Shi realized that he had grabbed him by the
arms.
    “Matthews, principal’s office!” a nearby teacher screamed as he ran over to
tend with the fallen boy.
    Shi stared there in shock, hating himself, but rage still curled and
slithered in him. It told him to make another boy at the boy for his slight, to
kick him until his ribs broke and he was smeared with blood…
    Bile rose in his throat. What was happening to him? He wasn’t like this and
yet… and yet… it had felt so good. For once, someone else was hurting and it
wasn’t him. He felt happy, having taken his revenge, and sick at the same time.

    “Matthews, now!” the teacher yelled.
    “Shi, c’mon,” Vel pulled Shi away.
*****
    Shi sat outside of the principal’s office on one of the uncomfortable
chairs as the principal talked to several witnesses to his assault. The man had
already questioned him, as well as scolding him harshly for punching the other
boy. He stared at his shoelaces. Vel was in there, too, but Shi couldn’t hear
what they were talking about, he could only guess. He was going to be expelled,
he just knew it. His parents were going to be so disappointed with him and Vel…
Vel had to hate him, be embarrassed by him. Would he not want to be friends
anymore?
    Anxiety tore through him, replacing his anger. He hadn’t meant to hit him…
but he had. There was still that feeling of triumph in him that he hated, but
the violence had felt so good, and that scared him. The door to the hallway
swung open and Shi looked up, paling when he saw his mother and father, with
Eirie in tow, walking towards him.
    “Dad…” he started, but found that he had nothing to say.
    Sorry didn’t seem to be good enough. He was suddenly terrified of his
father’s disappointment in him. He couldn’t bear to lose his love. Eirie didn’t
seem to realize that something bad was happening and jumped onto Shi’s lap.
    “Hi, Shi!” he cheered.
    Shi watched his parents as they went to the door. His father had a strange
look to him and Shi felt his heart sink. Then, his mother smiled at him and it
lifted again. Wasn’t she supposed to be angry at him?
    “We’ll talk to you as soon as we’re done,” his father said, but there was
no anger in his voice.
    Shi’s eyes followed them as they disappeared inside the office. His eyes
then met Eirie’s and he hugged him, not sure what to think or feel about all of
this.
*****
    Anjaleque and Jonathan sat silently next to each other in the principal’s
office as the man explained the situation to them. Vel sat on another chair,
looking massively uncomfortable. Anjaleque fidgeted as the principal told her
that her child had hit a classmate.
    “I’m sorry, but I just can’t believe that Shi hit someone without… some
kind of reason!” she protested the principal’s interpretation of her son as
some kind of bully.
    The principal snorted at her naiveté.
    “Mrs. Matthews, I know this is shocking, but other boys witnessed the
fight. Your son brutalized another classmate, not in self defense, but for the
pleasure of it! I’m afraid expulsion is the best action-,”
    “That’s far too harsh,” Jonathan said coolly, “Shi has never done anything
like this before, there is no reason to expel him.”
    “I’ve talked to several boys about the fight,” the principal protested, “He
had no reason for doing it. I can’t have someone like that at my school. Your
child is a loose cannon!”
    “He took Eirie’s picture,” Vel murmured, his shy voice breaking through the
tense atmosphere of the room.
    “Excuse me?” the principal asked in a bored tone.
    Vel looked at him, pushing past his shyness for his best friend’s sake.
    “He took the picture that Eirie drew from Shi. Shi tried to get it back,
but the boy, he said… he said something nasty to him, about taking his little
brother as a lover and Shi hit him.”
    “The other boys never said anything about that,” the principal said
skeptically.
    “That’s because those boys hate Shi,” Vel snapped at him, anger making him
bold, “If you knew anything about him before you condemned him, you’d know that
everyone in this stupid school except for me hates him!”
    Anjaleque paled at this bit of news.
    “Is he being bullied?” she asked in shock.
    She knew that Shi only had Vel for a friend, but she had never considered
that his classmates might actually not like him. Vel shook his head, making
Anjaleque feel only a small bit of relief.
    “No, but they aren’t nice to him, either. Or me, because of our eyes… I’d
fought with that boy before, he’s in my grade, that’s why he picked on Shi
today,” Vel informed them.
    “And you think that makes it right that your friend hit another classmate?”
the principal asked, calming down in the face of these new facts.
    Vel shook his head.
    “No, but Shi doesn’t think it was right, either. You didn’t see him
afterwards,” Vel told him, “He was so shocked by what he had done. If you’re
trying to teach him a lesson, or protect the other students, well, he’s already
feeling guilty over it and he won’t do that again. I’ve known him for years and
I know when he’s learned a lesson.”
    The principal seemed to think over what Vel was saying and sighed heavily,
wiping a hand over his face.
    “He’s been confrontational lately,” Vel continued to try to convince the
man, “I think there’s something wrong with him. I’m not saying that’s an
excuse, but expelling him isn’t going to help him.”
    “So you noticed it, too?” Jonathan mused, almost to himself.
    “Vel, you’re absolutely sure about this?” Anjaleque asked, thinking about
her own observations of her child’s behavior.
    Vel nodded.
    “He was his old self last Friday,” he told her, “But after that… he’s just
been so tense and quiet lately. His head’s been in the clouds, too. He’s just…
not like he usually is.”
    “Has he gotten into a lot of fights lately?” Jonathan asked.
    Vel looked over at the principal nervously, not wanting to lie to his
friend’s father, but not wanting to make things worse for Shi, either.
    “Yeah, but nothing like this,” he tried to explain, “I mean, he’s just
yelled and acted really, I don’t know, edgy or something. But he’s never let
people bother him before like he does now.”
    Anjaleque bit her lip and wondered how all of this could have gotten past
her. Yes, she had known that there was something… different about Shi, but she
had just attributed it to him growing up, not to something that might be
abnormal or bad. But if Vel said that there was something wrong with Shi, she
had to trust his judgment. She knew that parents only saw a part of their
children and the rest belonged to their friends. She had been the same way
growing up. It worried her, that Shi could do something like this. She was
supposed to be angry at him, but she wasn’t.
    She could understand why someone would have hit the boy for what he had
said, she just couldn’t understand why Shi had done it. What Vel had said was
true, Shi was usually very gentle and kind. Sure, he had his temper tantrums
and got frustrated easily, but she had never seen him be violent before and
this… incident scared her. She was just worried about him, not mad. Maybe it
was because she was his mother, but she wasn’t even sure if she should punish
him for this. Shi knew that what he had done was wrong and he was probably
confused and hurting… there was something in her heart that was telling her
that punishing him for this was not the right thing to do.
    She looked out the tiny window to the waiting area and saw Shi, tickling
Eirie, the both of them having bright smiles. She smiled, too. Whatever was
bothering Shi, he acted like his old self when he was around his baby brother.
Maybe that was why she hadn’t noticed his behavior while to Vel, it had been
obvious.
    Anjaleque looked over at her husband and saw the same conviction in her
husband’s eyes. They needed to talk to Shi about this, not yell or ground him
for what he had done. Maybe they would have to, but not until she was sure that
there wasn’t something deeper going on with him.
    “I’m not a counselor,” the principal told them, “But I suggest you take Shi
to see one. In the meantime…” he sighed again. Jonathan thought the man had a
habit of doing that when he was frustrated or confused, “I won’t expel him, but
you do realize that this is a serious matter?”
    Shi’s parents nodded in agreement.
    “I have to give him two days’ suspension. He attacked another student.
Regardless of his motives, he has to learn that violence is not acceptable
here. That’s as lenient as I can be. I highly suggest you sort out whatever
problems he’s having before he comes back,” the man advised.
    “Thank you,” Shi’s father said in gratitude, relieved, not for his sake,
but Shi’s.
    Vel released the heavy breath he had been holding in and collected his
things, leaving the office. Shi was still sitting on the chairs outside of the
office and was playing with his little brother. Seeing the two interact with
each other made Vel smile despite the tense feeling he had had in the
principal’s office. Even before the divorce, he and Taka had never had a
relationship like Shi and Eirie did. They truly loved each other. Vel believed
that, if the same thing had happened to Shi’s family, Shi would continue to
love his baby brother, just as much as he did now. But such a thing would never
happen to Shi’s parents. They loved each other too much.
    He was just a bystander, an outsider, but Vel saw the proof of their love
every time he visited Shi’s home. His own father had been distant from his
mother and she had been lonely. Now, she called her actions weak and evil, but
Vel easily understood why she had had the affair. If you were lonely enough to
do something like that, it had to be pretty painful. He should hate her for
driving apart their family and he did want to hate her, but she was still his
mother and he knew that he loved her. He even wanted the relationship Shi had
with Eirie with his own little brother, but being around Taka hurt too much.
    Shi looked up as Vel approached him, moving Eirie from his lap to the chair
next to his. Eirie pouted a little, but took the sudden lack of attention well,
staying quiet as Shi regarded his best friend with hesitance, his eyes sad and
pensive.
    “Are you ashamed of me?” Shi asked in a small voice that didn’t suit him.
    The question reminded Vel of the incident a few weeks ago, when Shi had
thought he had hated him when Vel had only been preoccupied with his father’s
visit. He snorted, dismissing Shi’s anxieties.
    “Don’t be stupid,” he said, “I mean, if was pretty amazing. You knocked out
a kid three grades above you with one hit! People’ll be talking about it for
weeks.”
    The silly thing was, Vel did think it was impressive. He hadn’t said it to
the principal, in fact, he had no plans of telling anyone about his feelings
except for Shi. Shi wasn’t a tiny, little kid, but he wasn’t huge, either, just
tall, yet he had broken the boy’s nose in a single punch. Of course, Shi
shouldn’t have hit him in the first place, Vel agreed with the principal on
that and his anger had scared Vel, but it had also been a little bit cool to
watch, like a movie where the shy kid who was always bullied stood up to the
mean kids and actually won. It was a scenario he had fantasized doing himself,
but Shi had actually done it!
    Vel hadn’t told Shi about it, but he was already a little bit of a legend
among the younger kids. Shi Matthews, the nine year old who had knocked out a
renowned twelve year old bully with one blow. It was the sort of story that
little kids, especially ones that were used to being picked on by the older
ones, latched onto gleefully. Of course, this story wouldn’t make Shi any
friends. If anything, it would fuel the rumors that Shi was aggressive and
scary, which wasn’t fair. Vel didn’t really care beyond the fact that Shi
didn’t deserve that, he knew that Shi wasn’t like that at all. It was true that
he had been tense and argumentative lately, but Vel was sure that if that boy
hadn’t said that nasty thing about Eirie, Shi never would have punched him.
    “It wasn’t cool,” Shi murmured, “It was just scary. Scary and wrong.”
    Vel was taken aback by his ashamed tone and tried to put himself in Shi’s
place. To have done that much damage in a moment of brief anger, with only one
hit… he probably would have been scared, too.
    “Shi, it’s not like that,” he tried to comfort his friend, sitting down in
the other chair that was next to him.
    Shi blushed, which only confused Vel.
    “You aren’t a bully,” Vel pointed out, “That kid was, though. You know
that. Remember a couple of weeks ago? He was always doing stuff like that, and
not just to me.”
    “But I didn’t mean to hit him,” Shi protested, “I was just so angry… I
didn’t even know what I was doing until he was on the ground, crying. And there
was all that blood… how could I do something like that? How can anyone not even
know what they’re doing, have no… control… What if I do it again and I can’t
even stop it?”
    Shi’s voice got a horrified tone to it and Vel panicked at the sound of it.
He grabbed Shi’s arms, forcing the other boy to look at him.
    “You aren’t like that! Everyone gets angry, everyone does things that they
regret, that doesn’t make you a monster. You’re sorry for what you did and that
makes a huge difference. You might get angry again… but this time, I know
you’ll hesitate. You won’t do the same thing twice because you get that what
happened is wrong. Do you get it? Besides, you’ve got me watching your back,”
Vel pointed out.
    Shi’s look turned hopeful.
    “Then… you’re not scared of me?” he asked.
    Everyone else was scared of him, had been long before now, just because of
how he looked, so why wasn’t Vel? Vel shook his head.
    “No. Never. There is nothing you can do that will ever make me hate you or
be scared of you,” he said with conviction, “And you’ll make sure that I won’t
do something like this again?” the darker blonde asked.
    “I promise,” Vel vowed.
    The door to the principal’s office opened and Shi’s parents came out. She
tensed. He waited for his father to yell at him, for his mother to look at him
in disappointment. His mother walked up to him and, to Shi’s shock, she was
smiling. That smile told him all that he needed to know. He was forgiven, at
least to the point that his parents didn’t hate him. He still expected to be
punished, though.
    “Ready to go home?” she asked.
    Shi nodded. He had been ready to go home from the moment that boy had
opened his stupid mouth. He was a bit scared of the talk with his parents that
was inevitable, but right now, he would rather be anywhere than school.
    “We’ll drive you home, too, Vel,” his father offered and Vel nodded in
gratitude.
    “Thank you, sir,” he said.
    Jonathan chuckled, always amused at Vel’s respectful attitude towards him.
    Jonathan brushed his hand over Vel’s silken hair and Vel blushed darkly.
The affectionate gesture filled his heart with warmth at the same time that it
caused him a deep pain, reminding him of his own father for a brief moment. Shi
hopped off the chair, helping Eirie off his. His mother offered Shi her hand to
hold. She didn’t expect him to hold it. Maybe if he had been Eirie’s age, but
no nine year old boy wanted to be seen holding his mother’s hand by his
classmates. To her surprise, he took her hand without any hesitation. Feeling
his hand in hers, she still couldn’t believe that this affectionate boy had
done what everyone had said he had done.

End Part 3










***** Part 4 *****
Chapter Summary
     Shi has a talk with his parents about his violent actions. Shi's
     mother worries that Shi might be sick like her brother was.
Poisoned Memories
Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows
Part 4

    Shi sat on his bed when they got home and diligently waited for his mother
and father to come for him. He was worried about what his parents would say to
him, but mostly, he thought that he would take whatever punishment they gave
him in stride. He had done something bad and he deserved it. He still couldn’t
figure out why he had done it.
    He remembered the rage he had felt vividly and that terrified him, because
the more he thought about it, the more he felt that anger. He hated the
emotion, it made him feel hateful and out of control, like there was something
hot inside of his gut, eating away at him. He hated everything when he was in
those moods and wanted to destroy everything. What his grandfather had done to
him had created a hole in his heart that only the fury could fill, but once the
anger was gone, the hold became empty again and Shi found that that hollow spot
had grown bigger.
    What made all of this so bad was that Shi didn’t know how to control it.
Hitting that boy had been completely automatic. What if he did it again? He
didn’t want to be that sort of person. He wanted to blame his grandfather for
the bitterness and frustration that he felt, but these were his feelings, so no
one else could be to blame but himself. Just knowing he had done something so…
bad made him feel sick all over. He remembered how hard Cree had grabbed him
that day and the thought that, one day, he might become the man because of
their blood came to him again.
    Was it possible that was had made his grandfather so cruel was in him, too?
And… and what if his… perversion was in him, too? What if that was what his
love for Vel meant, that he wanted to do… that to him? Shi grabbed one of his
pillows and hugged it to his chest as tightly as he could, his body shaking
with the volume of his revulsion at his thoughts.
    Shi was saved from the wave of nausea that hit him violently when his
parents finally came in for their talk. As Anjaleque came into the room, she
was momentarily taken aback by the darkness of the room. Though the room was
well lit enough because of the open window, all the lights in the room were
off. She was further disturbed by how her son looked. Even in the dimness,
Shi’s face was pale and his eyes were filled with such a dark emotion that
Anjaleque wanted to sweep him up in her arms, even though he was too old for
that. Then Shi saw her and that emotion seemed to disappear, making her wonder
if she had just imagined it. Jonathan turned on the bedside lamp and sat down
next to his son. Anjaleque wanted to sit on his other side, but she realized
that this would just make Shi feel like they were trapping him.
    “Shi, you know that you need to tell your mother and I what happened,”
Jonathan said softly, not wanting Shi to think he was mad at him.
    Shi refused to ease up on the pillow he was clutching, his knuckles white,
which only worried his mother more.
    “I know,” he murmured.
    “So what happened?” Jonathan prodded.
    “Eirie drew me a picture before school,” Shi said, “I showed it to Vel at
lunch today. I should have hid it or left it at home or something, but it was a
good picture and I liked it. Then that boy took it from Vel. Vel and I tried to
get it back, but then he said that I liked Eirie so much, we were probably
having sex,” Shi said, talking so fast that he was almost rambling.
    Anjaleque flinched at Shi’s explanation and shared a sour look with her
husband. When Vel had told them that no one really liked Shi, she hadn’t
imagined someone would say something like that to him. The both of them
suddenly understood Shi’s anger because they felt it, too. But that still
didn’t make it ok… she once again thought back to Vel’s observations that
something was wrong with Shi. Would he have punched that boy if he hadn’t been…
different in some way? She didn’t think so, but maybe she was just biased.
    “And what he said made you feel angry enough that you hit him,” Jonathan
summarized.
    This time, it was Shi who flinched.
    “I hadn’t meant to,” Shi said in a small voice, “I’m sorry I did it. I
never meant to hurt him. My stomach just felt so hot and… and I was so angry,
but I never wanted to punch him! Is he ok?”
    Anjaleque found a small ray of hope in Shi’s voice. Vel had told them that
he had been remorseful, but now she knew for sure, and any pretense of
punishing him vanished at the sound of her child near tears over his guilt.
    “His nose is broken, but he’ll be fine once the swelling goes down. But
Shi, we taught you better than that,” Jonathan said, but his tone made it clear
that he wasn’t mad, “We don’t hit people, you know that and I know you know
that. I also know that there is something bothering you, something worse than
some school yard bully. Your mother and I need to know, not just because it’s
affected you enough to hit someone, but because it’s obvious to us that it’s
hurting you. What is it? You know we can make it better.”
    Jonathan’s voice was soothing, using the tone he always had that could make
his sons confess to anything, but this time, Shi just buried his face in his
pillow and refused to say a word. His father was alarmed at how Shi’s body
tensed like a violin string instead of becoming comforted. It was almost as
though Shi was more scared of them finding out what the bad thing was than the
thing itself. Anjaleque opened her mouth to protest his silence, to demand that
Shi tell them what was wrong, but her words caught in her throat when Jonathan
put his arm around his son and pulled him close against his side.
    Shi lifted his head from his pillow and the torment in his eyes was so deep
and disturbing, Anjaleque was breathless in the face of it. She had never
thought of her son being capable of ever looking like that, let alone what
terrible thing could have happened to him to put that look there. Was he just
being sensitive or… or was it really that bad?
    “I know that there are some things that you feel you can never tell your
parents. I’ve been there, too, sweetheart. There have been things that I still
haven’t told my parents, but that isn’t a bad thing. It certainly isn’t
something I’m going to punish you for. But Shi, if you’re ever ready to talk,
your mother and I are here for you, always. You do know that, don’t you?”
Jonathan’s voice was soothing and Shi felt himself relaxing a little in the
face of his father’s constant kindness, and the relief that they weren’t going
to force him to tell them.
    It was hard enough not to. Now that he was being pressured to, he felt the
desire to unload his heavy heart to his parents, but all of the reasons he had
had to begin with for not telling them were still there. He nodded to his
father.
    “I know,” he murmured.
    He knew that he would always be able to tell them what was eating at him,
it was the part afterward that kept him from actually saying anything. He felt
the tightness in his chest ease even more when his father brushed his long
bangs back with long fingers that were a lot like Shi’s and kissed his
forehead.
    “So… you aren’t mad at me?” Shi asked.
    “No, honey, we’re not mad,” his mother said, sharing a look with his
father, as though she was looking for confirmation, “We’re… upset, but we
aren’t mad.”
    “Are you going to ground me?” Shi questioned, almost shyly.
    His father sighed.
    “Is punishing you going to make you think twice about punching someone more
than you are already?” he asked.
    Shi shook his head.
    “I know it was wrong. Vel said he would make sure I never did it again, but
even if he doesn’t, I don’t ever want to do it again!” Shi vowed.
    “Then we’ll let you off this once,” Jonathan said.
    “C-can Vel come over Saturday, when Granddad leaves?” Shi asked, feeling
like he was pushing his luck, but his mother smiled.
    “That’s fine,” she agreed.
    Shi felt like this incredible weight had been lifted from his heart when
his parents left his room. Of course, there was still an enormous weight there,
but just knowing that no one was mad at him and he wasn’t in trouble lifted his
spirits. He fell back on top of his bed and closed his eyes. Everything would
be ok. He just couldn’t go back to school for two days, but if he could just
figure out how to control his anger, it would be fine.
    He was scared of himself, of what he had done. He knew that if he opened
his eyes, he would end up looking at his hands and remembering what it had felt
like to hit that boy, how wrong and how good it had felt. He didn’t want to
remember that. He didn’t want to know that he was capable of that sort of
hatred.
    He just had to deal with his grandfather, with this Saturday, he told
himself. After that, Vel would sleep over and everything would be fine. And
yet, it was hard for him to really believe that. Vel would make things better,
yes, he believed that with every inch of his soul, but eventually, he would
leave, and Shi knew that the darkness in his head would find him again.
    For the first time in their entire friendship, Shi wondered if he should be
friends with Vel. What if his dirtiness rubbed off on his best friend? What if
he ended up hurting him, which was unthinkable, but too terrible to risk? Shi
squeezed his eyes closed tighter. No, he wouldn’t think of that, of any of it.
He couldn’t bear to let Vel go. He was a part of the little bit of good in his
life that his grandfather hadn’t completely tainted. He let the thought go, but
it remained in the back of his mind, poking and scratching him.
*****
    “We’re terrible parents,” Anjaleque said in a low voice to her husband once
they were far enough from Shi’s room that he couldn’t hear them talking.
    Jonathan snorted.
    “Because we wouldn’t punish our son for something he is already beating
himself over?” he quipped.
    “Yes,” she sighed, “Ursula and my father would have punished their children
sternly for doing such at thing.”
    “Thankfully, we are not your sister or your father,” he responded.
    Anjaleque quirked an eyebrow at him.
    “ “Thankfully”?” she asked in slight annoyance, though she was well aware
of how he felt towards her family.
    “Your sister was a bully,” he reminded her, “When you were eight, she
pushed you off a tree and you broke three ribs. When you were a baby, she
locked you in the basement closet and it took your mother hours to find you.
And your father-,”
    “What about my father?” she prodded testily, “He’s changed. He’s so good
with our boys-,”
    “He was terrible with you,” Jonathan retorted, “He not only put a
responsibility on you that should have been his merely because of his
chauvinistic beliefs, he put both your life, and your brother’s life, in harm’s
way by not getting Odin the help he needed! He only sought you out because he
drove everyone else away, but you found enough kindness in your heart to
forgive him.”
    “That’s a good enough reason,” Anjaleque murmured, but she didn’t sound
convinced.
    “Is it?” Jonathan questioned, “You love him and you want things to work out
between the two of you, I get that, but I don’t like him and I don’t trust him.
A few nights babysitting isn’t going to endear him to me.”
    “Well, one of us has to have a decent relationship with our fathers,”
Anjaleque insisted, “And since your father refuses to talk to you…”
    “Why? Were things so bad before your father showed up? I thought we were
doing fine by our children. And Eirie may like playing with him, but Shi is so
withdrawn when he visits, haven’t you noticed? I don’t blame him. Eirie’s
young, but to Shi, the man is still a stranger. I think his curiosity is making
it worse. You should tell him why Cree has taken nine years to show up,” he
pointed out.
    “No,” Anjaleque confessed, “Things weren’t so bad before, but you know what
my father has done for us, and it isn’t the night outs or the babysitting.
Things are so bad now… even with your job, money is tight. Eirie needs toys to
play with, good food, and all sort of things that children his age need just to
grow right! My father is willing to help us out, John. What’s going to happen
when they decrease both our pay next year and when they raise taxes two months
from now? And have you thought about Shi? How were we going to afford new
clothes for him when he goes through his first growth spurt? He’s already
growing out of his old ones because he’s so tall. I know he doesn’t like my
father very much, but he just has to get used to him. And my father is
different than how he was. He’s making things better for us and he loves his
grandchildren.”
    “I know, Anna,” Jonathan sighed, “And I appreciate what he’s done, but even
if he has my gratitude, I don’t think he’ll ever have my trust, not for a good,
long time. Do you get what I’m saying? I don’t want to be compared to him. Cree
would punish Shi for what he did because he wouldn’t care about the
circumstances. The guy only sees the world in black and white. Shi broke a
rule, so he should be punished, and who cares why he did it in the first place?
Who cares that he was angry and now he’s scared and feeling guilty?”
    Anjaleque bit her lip at her husband’s assessment of her father, but she
knew it was true, which only made it more painful.
    “I can’t be that sort of father, love,” Jonathan explained, “I won’t be the
kind of man who chastises and hurts his children, knowing it won’t even teach
them anything. Isn’t that what punishment is about, correcting a wrong, a bad
behavior? Well, Shi knows that what he did was wrong and he’s already promised
that he’ll try to never do it again. What would punishing him accomplish?”
    “I know you’re right,” Anjaleque said, “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t
still feel like I’m doing something wrong.”
    Their tense conversation was swiftly interrupted as Eirie came running down
the hallway, his hands full of his colored pencil case and a pad of drawing
paper, and crashed into his daddy’s leg.
    “Whoa, there, Champ,” Jonathan chuckled, keeping Eirie still with his leg,
“What’s your rush?”
    “I need to ax Shi a question!” Eirie explained.
    “That’s ‘ask’, honey,” Anjaleque corrected, too amused by Eirie’s
excitement to scold him for running so fast.
    Eirie often mixed up words that sounded alike and Anjaleque had often
worried that he wasn’t learning like he was supposed to, but Jonathan’s aunt,
who worked with children with learning disabilities, had assured them that
Eirie was actually quite smart. He learned things phonetically and usually used
what he learned correctly, but when he was excited, he thought too fast and got
things mixed up. When he grew older, she had explained, he would grow out of
it.
    “Well, alright, then,” Jonathan let Eirie go, who continued to run into
Shi’s room.
    Anjaleque sighed.
    “Maybe we should give Shi some space…” she mused out loud.
    “It’s fine. It’ll be good for Shi to spend some time with his brother. He
seems to be more… relaxed when Eirie’s with him. It’s the same when he’s with
Vel,” Jonathan pointed out.
    “But why?” Anjaleque questioned, “Why can’t he just be who he used to be?”
    “It’s easier for him to be around kids his age, but he’s only friends with
Vel and Eirie. He probably feels like adults can’t understand, even us,”
Jonathan mused.
    Anjaleque looked over to Shi’s room with an expression of deep worry. She
didn’t like this at all. Shi talked to her about everything. That fact had been
abundantly clear when he had asked her about love. He had asked with such
intelligence and such innocence, but now… there was something different about
him, something in his eyes, almost like darkness… but no, it was just in her
mind, she was sure. It was just her anxiety over her son’s sudden change of
attitude, something that she hadn’t even truly noticed until Vel had brought it
up. Was she so incapable at being a mother that something had changed her son,
probably forever, and she never would have noticed on her own?
    Jonathan put a hand on her shoulder and she closed her eyes in happiness.
This was a part of what she loved about him. She didn’t have to say a thing,
but she knew that he understood how much she was suffering. They walked down
the hall to the kitchen, Anjaleque feeling comforted, but still overrun with
anxiety.
*****
    Shi was still lying flat on his bed, his eyes closed, when Eirie came
running into his room. His legs were completely dangling off the bed with his
feet flat on the floor, making his back ache, but he didn’t care. Truthfully,
compared to the dark thoughts whirling around in his head, he could barely feel
the ache in his long back at all. At the sound of little feet running at him,
he quickly sat up, the dark thoughts submerging deep inside of himself as he
devoted all his attention to his baby brother.
    “Shi, what color are clown fish?” Eirie nearly shouted at him.
    The tall blonde blinked at him in confusion at the odd question.
    “Um… orange with white stripes, I think. Why?” he asked, completely puzzled
about why his little brother wanted to know about tropical fish.
    Of course, Eirie always asked a lot of questions and was curious about the
world in a way that was quite healthy for a child his age, but the sudden odd
question through Shi for a loop. Eirie’s eyes went wide at Shi’s answer.
    “You know everything!” Eirie exclaimed, climbing up on Shi’s bed to sit
next to him.
    Shi blushed at the compliment. His brother was the only one who had ever
told him that he was smart. He wasn’t, he knew that, so Eirie’s praise hit him
in the gut.
    “Not really,” he protested, “I just saw some in a pet store once. Why do
you want to know what color they are?”
    “’Cause I want to draw them,” the little redhead explained, “They were in
daddy’s newspaper today, but it was in black and white.”
    “Oh,” Shi said dumbly.
    He watched silently as Eirie grabbed some color pencils out of the black
and red butterfly tin their mother’s mother had sent him for his third
birthday, his tongue poking cutely out of the corner of his mouth as he
searched for just the right shade of orange.
    “Um… Eir’? I’m sorry, but I lost the picture you drew for me this morning,”
Shi apologized, truly guilty about the fact that he had never managed to get
the picture from the boy.
    He should have made a go for it the second he had knocked the boy down, but
he had been so distraught over what he had done, he hadn’t even thought about
the picture.
    “Then I’ll make you another one!” the four year old said with a bright
smile that made Shi’s heart race with happiness.
    He had been forgiven, for the second time today. He had no idea how to feel
about that. Should he be forgiven… for anything? He didn’t feel like he should…
for hitting that boy, for not being strong enough to keep himself together
after that deal with his grandfather… for losing Eirie’s picture… yet Eirie had
forgiven him. No, it was more like Eirie had never been upset with him to begin
with. Was there anything he could do that would make his brother angry at him?
    Shi’s heart skipped a few beats. Was he actually thinking of making Eirie
mad at him? What would the point of that be? He never wanted that to happen. He
loved Eirie and it was the little redhead’s unconditional love for him that
made him want to be better, it made him hate himself for failing to be better,
for failing to maintain Eirie’s view of him. But Eirie didn’t see his failings,
he just… kept on going, believing in him and giving him things, so innocently…
It made him glad, so very glad that he had made that deal with his grandfather,
because Eirie was still the Eirie he had held in his arms as a helpless baby.
Nothing in the world was worth losing himself over like that was.
    Shi suddenly felt an incredible depression, love, and tiredness fill him
all at once. Eirie continued to draw next to him, completely fixed on the piece
of paper. He curled up on his side. He was tired… so tired, but every time he
closed his eyes… every time he tried to sleep, he just felt like he had been
wide awake, ever since that day, weeks ago. He felt like he was wearing down,
like the more time passed him by, the more pieces of himself started to break
away. He was trying to hold on, trying to find ways to not think about what had
happened… all the ways he was changing and how much he hated this new person he
had become.
    He awoke, bleary and heavy headed, to his brother shaking him. His red eyes
were half slit and there was a small headache building in his skull, he had the
feeling he had dreamed something terrible, but he couldn’t remember what it
was. Whatever it had been, it had been filled with sharp, pointed wire and
blood.
    “Shi, I’m done!” Eirie’s exuberant voice woke Shi up enough that he could
sit up without falling back to sleep.
    He took the piece of paper from Eirie and felt his heart stop again as he
looked at what his little brother had drawn there. It wasn’t clown fish, far
from it, though Eirie had used some light oranges in the drawing. Instead of
the orange, black, and white striped fish, there was a huge looking male lion
with red eyes, lying down, his huge paws crossed, and a peaceful look on his
regal face. Even stranger, there was a little, red fox kit curled up against
the lion’s side, like a lion cub would be, content and protected by the huge
creature it was lying against, not at all scared that the beast could eat it in
one bite. Like all of Eirie’s drawings, it was childish, with some proportions
a bit off, but amazingly detailed and beautiful, with vibrant colors that
suited the two animals.
    “It’s us!” Eirie informed him.
    The little red fox and the big, golden lion… the lion protecting the tiny
creature, even if it seemed ill suited for any sort of… affection, with its
size and teeth and claws… Shi’s heart filled with a painful heat. He was
broken… not suited for protection anymore, that fight today with that boy had
proven to him that he was suited to hurt than help, just like a lion… And he
was changing. He could barely sleep, food tasted like ash in his mouth, he was
constantly filled with tension, almost like impatience. He felt no joy for the
things he had used to love. But… but he still had the people he loved, Eirie,
Mom, Dad, Vel… as long as he had these people, he could be human. He could be
himself, as long as he loved them, and as long as they loved him. That emotion
was better, stronger, than his anger and bitterness and he would embrace it for
as long as he could. He hugged his little brother to him.
    “Thanks, Eir’,” he murmured softly.
*****
    Anjaleque couldn’t sleep. They had had a nice dinner together and Shi had
seemed better, more lively and less like a ghost, just simply wandering through
their world with secret thoughts. But it hadn’t made her fears go away and they
had carried over to her sleep, or lack of. She heard her husband sigh next to
her and felt a small pang of guilt for keep him up as well.
    “What’s bothering you?” she heard him ask and there was no irritation in
his voice, just concern, and she felt him throw a strong arm around her slender
waist and he pressed his chest against her back.
    Anjaleque smiled a little to herself at his comfort, but the smile vanished
as she rolled over to look into his deep green eyes.
    “I can’t stop thinking about Vel said about Shi, about how he’s changed and
what Shi did today…” she murmured.
    “We just have to be patient,” Jonathan advised, “Sooner or later, Shi will
tell us what is going on. He’s a good kid, when has there ever been a question
in his head that he hasn’t, eventually, come to us about? He just needs time.”
    Anjaleque turned on her side to face him.
    “But what if we don’t have time?” she asked in a small voice.
    Jonathan gave her a puzzled look. Anjaleque swallowed roughly.
    “What if… what if Shi is like my brother? What if he’s… losing himself?”
she choked out and the fear in her voice, the helplessness made Jonathan hold
her tighter and stroke her cheek with one hand.
    “Don’t say that,” he soothed, “What happened to your brother will never
happen to our children.”
    “That’s what my parents thought,” she muttered, “But he went mad anyway. It
was bad enough when he was a kid. He was so distant from everyone but me. But
even with me… he acted like he loved me, but I eventually realized that it was
more like obsession. He clung to me, for reasons I couldn’t understand. But it
was like he was drowning, and the more he clung to me, the more he was pulling
me under, too. And now, Shi’s pulling away from us, too. He’s so good with
Eirie, but he’s still pulling away…”
    Jonathan shook his head, almost in denial.
    “No, Shi isn’t like that,” he protested, “And his relationship with Eirie
isn’t like the one you had with your own older brother. Shi cares for Eirie, he
would do anything for him. It isn’t obsession, just love.”
    “But what if we’re wrong?” she argued, “What if he’s sick and we’re too…
stubborn to see it? Like my father… he couldn’t believe that his only son was
ill. He tried to deny it, so he never sought him help. What if we do the same
thing to Shi?”
    ‘No,’ Jonathan thought angrily, ‘Cree didn’t deny Odin care because he was
hurting and in denial, he did it because of his own pride, because he couldn’t
dare let the world know that one of his precious family had a flaw. It was too
shameful, too ugly, he locked Odin away so no one would know, because he was
selfish, not because he loved Odin too much and was scared of him being sick.’
    He didn’t say these thoughts out loud, didn’t dare upset his wife that
much, but he believed those thoughts more than Anjaleque’s beliefs. Ok, so
maybe it wasn’t exactly fair for him to think that way about his father in law,
but he would never be cozy with the man, no matter what he did for them. He
appreciated his presence, but he sure didn’t like him. He had been there when
the bastard had called Anjaleque to tell her that her brother had killed
himself. He had been there when she had screamed at him, only hearing her side
of the conversation. He had been there when she had slammed the phone on the
receiver and had started to sob. How could he ever forgive his father in law
for something like that?
    “We won’t do the same thing,” he insisted, “I already told you, we won’t
ever be your father. If Shi needs help, I’ll do whatever I have to do to give
it to him. We won’t let him down. But Shi isn’t like that. He’s not sick, Anna,
you have to see that. He especially isn’t mentally ill, not like your brother.”
    Anjaleque smiled bitterly.
    “You didn’t see Odin towards the end. He kept getting more and more violent
with everyone around him, he was just filled with this… dark tension, like he
carried a deep secret, but his mind wouldn’t let him actually say it. So,
instead, he delved into this… fantasy world of insanity. At least, that’s what
I saw and wanted to believe, that my brother wasn’t so much mad as hiding from
reality, but I guess it’s the same thing. He told me once that our family was
cursed… and I often wondered if he was trying to tell me something else,
something that he was too scared to say,” she laughed with dark tone to it, “I
guess I’ll never know. Maybe he was just crazy and it had nothing to do with
reality at all, it was just his time… his mind’s time to leave us. Maybe I did
love him, but he terrified me, too. On the day you proposed to me, I went back
home to tell my father about it. Odin was in his room like he always was in
those days. Dad insisted on him staying there, he didn’t like him… wandering
around the house. He didn’t even eat with us anymore.
    “It was like Dad wanted him… quarantined, like he could infect the rest of
us, and Odin did as he was told. Even losing his sanity, he listened to our
father, just as he always did. That day, I thought he was the same as always,
unhinged, but… manageable. Dad was on the phone with one of his business
contacts and we all knew better than to interrupt him, so I decided to check up
on my brother, like I was supposed to. Even then, I was such a ‘good little
girl’,” she said mockingly, “Odin was a rambling mess, as usual, talking about
things that I couldn’t even try to make a sense of, and suddenly, all I could
think of was you,” silent tears tracked down her cheeks and Jonathan felt pain
spread inside of him for her, “All I could think of was how good you made me
feel and how much I wanted to be away from all that mess. I snapped at him,
told him that I couldn’t take care of him anymore, that I was leaving him. It
was so selfish of me. I never should have said that to him. He was so fragile…
too fragile. He was dangerous and violent, but he was like a child and he
relied on me, and I just… I took it all away from him.
    “He came at me with a knife,” her voice, previously filled with an
incredible sorrow, became haunted, “He said that he couldn’t let me go, that we
would be together, always. If I hadn’t been so close to the door… I don’t know
what would have happened. He didn’t follow me, though, so maybe… maybe he never
would have hurt me. But I was so terrified… he had this look in his eye and I
knew, for that second, what he was capable of. I ran to my father, but he was
only upset for interrupting him when he was on the phone. He slapped me. When I
told him about what Odin had tried to do, he just said I was being
melodramatic, that I was lying about all of it. That was when I told him about
us, about marrying you and having Shi. It just slipped out. Maybe I wanted to
hurt him for hurting me, or maybe I was just sick of the lies, both his and my
own, I don’t know.”
    Jonathan felt like a gaping hole had replaced his heart. He cupped his
wife’s cheek with his hand, his fingers tracing over her skin, wiping up her
tears. He kissed her as sweetly and gently as he could, wishing that he could
take her pain away from her, but all he had were his kisses and understanding.
    “You never told me all that,” he murmured.
    “Do you understand now? Shi, our Shi, never would have hit that child. The
Odin I had known growing up never would have attacked me with that knife… what
if-,” Anjaleque started to say in a panic.
    “Shi is not your brother,” Jonathan said in a solid tone, “He never will
be. He’s sorry, he’s in pain because of his actions. He knows what he did was
wrong. He isn’t crazy.”
    “And if he is?” Anjaleque asked.
    “Then we’ll help him. I won’t let our son become your brother. And I
certainly won’t become your father,” he vowed.
    Anjaleque closed her eyes. She still felt so many doubts, so much sorrow,
but she believed in her husband. She believed in her new family in a way that
she had never believed in her old one.
*****
    There was a cancer growing inside of him. He could feel it, every time he
saw his grandfather. There was something deep inside of him, in his heart,
spreading each and every one of those times, though it was more like a black
hole than a physical mass. Each time he saw him, he thought it would get
better, the pain would edge and he would get used to the sex with a man that he
hated, but it didn’t. It grew worse and worse each time. Sure, the physical
pain was almost nothing now, unless his grandfather wanted to make things
rough, but his body was getting used to it while his heart never did. Somehow
he knew that a hundred years could pass and he would never really get used to
it.
    At some point, Shi had accepted Cree dragging him into his room or the shed
out back as something… ritualistic, the same way he considered waking up for
school in the morning or kissing Eirie goodnight. Those visits, those
nightmarish moments, happened every week and he knew that they were inevitable.
In a short two weekends, he had become… used to it, in a sick sort of way. His
third Saturday of hell passed quickly, in a comical sort of way. Cree came, his
parents left for dinner, and as soon as Eirie was situated in front of the TV,
the fire eyed man had locked them in Shi’s room. Their parents had only been
gone a few hours this time and Cree had quickly left as soon as they had gone
back. It was almost as though he couldn’t bear to be around them for any more
than he had to, though Shi didn’t think it had anything to do with guilt and
more with annoyance.
    The only strange thing about it, the only part that he knew with absolute
certainty that he would never get used to, occurred to him when the doorbell
rang shortly after his grandfather had left. His parents were in their bedroom,
probably undressing from their fancy clothes. They had only been home for ten
minutes and he hadn’t come out to greet them yet. That happened a lot, too,
when his grandfather visited. Before him, Shi had always greeted his parents
with exuberance. True, before now, they had never left Eirie and him by
themselves, but when he had come home from school, he had always been so happy
to see them, he would end up hugging them both.
    Recently, especially on Saturdays, Shi found himself as he was now, curled
up either on the bed or the floor, not wanting to talk to anyone, his mind
somehow buzzing and eerily quiet all at once. He still felt happy when his
parents came home, but that happiness was tainted with relief and sadness.
Eventually, a feeling of intense loneliness and alienation would come over him
and he would seek them out, but his love fore them felt desperate and hungry
and he couldn’t help but wonder if that kind of love was ok. It was just one of
many things in his life that had maliciously changed on him.
    He was curled up on his bed, staring blankly at the design on his quilt,
though if anyone asked him, he couldn’t tell them what the design was, or even
what color it was, when he heard the door bell ring. He was on his feet to
answer it in mere seconds, and though he told himself that it had absolutely
nothing to do with desperation and loneliness, he knew he was just lying to
himself. He got the door before his parents even left their rooms and was
rewarded with a familiar, welcome face.
    “Hi,” Vel said when Shi flung open the door.
    The older blonde was well prepared for their sleepover, his arms wrapped
around a deflated air mattress and a well used duffle bag slung over his
shoulder. His usually well brushed hair, insisted by his mother, Shi knew, was
slightly mussed from running. The second he had seen Shi’s grandfather’s car
leave their driveway, he had gathered ups his things and left his house. He
hadn’t bothered to tell his mother that he was leaving, knowing she wouldn’t
come looking for him no matter what he did. He wondered if she would even
notice he was missing, but doubted it. Vel felt a pang of terrible bitterness,
but it vanished when Shi’s face broke out into a smile.
    Suddenly filled with an intense love for his best friend, which lit up the
shadows in his heart, Shi hugged the other boy tightly, air mattress and all.
He heard Vel squeak in surprise, but he only found it incredibly cute and
thought that he didn’t ever want to let go of him. It struck him at that
moment, the way it did every time he saw Vel after his grandfather’s visits. It
was so hard having Vel and Cree exist in the same space… the same life. It
often made Shi feel like he had a split personality or something. He knew he
would never get used to the bitterness he felt towards his grandfather for
daring to so much as breathe the same air as Vel.
    But it was more than that. He still felt exactly the same for Vel as he
always had. Everything he had loved had faded away into nothingness… flatness…
but his love for Vel was just as brilliant and intense as ever. How could that
be possible? He didn’t want to have sex ever again, hadn’t he thought that a
hundred times in the past three weeks, ever since he had found out what sex
really was?
Sex was dirty and painful, humiliating and full of sorrow and regret. He could
never have something like that… he could never do something like that to Vel.
His best friend deserved so much more. So, if he no longer wanted sex, why did
he love Vel… why did he want him so deeply? It didn’t make any sense to him.   
 Maybe he had loved Vel back when sex had been something pleasant, a display of
affection, but how could he now? Did wanting something like that mean he was a
pervert, knowing it hurt so much, but loving someone anyway? He loved Vel, he
knew that much. Maybe it was the only thing he would ever know. If Vel and his
family found out that he had had sex with his grandfather, they would stop
loving him, but he never would stop loving them, he could put trust in that,
even if he didn’t understand the motives behind those feelings.
    “Hello, Vel,” his father’s voice, coming from behind him, broke Shi out of
his thoughts.
    “Hello, Mr. Matthews,” Vel said shyly once Shi had released him.
    “Have you already eaten?” Anjaleque asked, standing beside her husband.
    Vel walked into the house and Shi closed the door behind him. The older boy
hesitated at the question. He didn’t want to lie to the two adults that had
always been so kind to him, but he also didn’t want to tell them how he had
worked hard on his homework, just so he could play with Shi for as long as
possible, and his mother had made dinner, but hadn’t told him. So, by the time
he had finished and had gone downstairs, Taka and his mother had finished
eating and there was noting left for him. No, he didn’t want to tell Mr. and
Mrs. Matthews about that. He didn’t want them pitying him.
    “No, I didn’t eat before I left,” he said with a shake of his head, “But
that’s ok.”
    A sad look came across Anjaleque’s face and she shook her head. If it had
been one of her boys, she would have wanted them to eat before they left, or
promise her their friend’s parents were going to serve them dinner. She
wondered, not for the first time, if Vel’s mother was as cruel and negligent as
the boy, unintentionally, made her seem. If there was any truth behind it, it
broke Anjaleque’s heart, not that the woman was such a terrible mother, but
Vel’s unbending love for her, and his tolerance of her coldness.
    “It’s alright,” she soothed, “Shi and Eirie have already eaten, but I won’t
have you going hungry. Shi’s grandfather brought Chinese food and I’m sure
there’s still some left, even with Shi’s appetite.”
    Shi knew that his mother was joking, but he still blushed. It was true
enough, lately, he was eating more than he usually did. He still didn’t taste
things like he used to, ever flavor dull and faded, but it was getting better.
It was like his taste buds were growing back, though very slowly, he was
starting to taste things again. He wondered if he would ever enjoy eating again
or if it would remain something that he did out of necessity. There were days,
entire days, not just meals, when he would eat like a large, starved tiger and
no matter how much he ate, he felt hungry, like he couldn’t get food into his
stomach fast enough. Today had been like that, but he also had days when he
felt so sick, his stomach a tight ball of tension and anxiety, he could barely
force himself to drink water.
    His father had told him that his hyperactive eating was just a sign that
his body was getting ready to grow. Shi didn’t know how to feel about that
fact. He knew, logically, that a kid like him had a lot of growing to do, but
he was already so tall. Why did he have to get any bigger and how much did he
have left to grow? His Dad was pretty tall, but Shi didn’t want to be too tall.
He was already the tallest kid in his entire grade by almost a foot. Sure,
being tall had its perks. He could reach things that were too high up for other
kids, could score in volleyball and basketball really easily, he was always
treated by adults like he was a lot older than he really was, and he was often
mistaken for one of the older graders.
    But being tall wasn’t that great, either. He stood out in a crowd, he was
picked on sometimes, sitting at the tables in classes was uncomfortable because
he had to bend over constantly just to write anything, his back was always
hurting, and people were scared of him because of his height (that or his eyes,
he still hadn’t figured out which). He glanced over at Vel, who was tall, too,
but was also three years older than him, so it was more acceptable. His best
friend was blushing, too, but Shi could tell it was from happiness, not
embarrassment. Seeing Vel’s flushed face made Shi blush even harder.
    “Really?” Vel asked excitedly.
    He hadn’t expected that he would be fed until the morning and he was pretty
hungry already. He had thought it wasn’t so bad, skipping dinner, as long as he
had breakfast the next day. Shi’s mom made the best breakfast foods, especially
pancakes and waffles. His own mother didn’t make them anything anymore. If Taka
wanted pancakes, it fell on Vel to make them. His mother said that maple syrup,
which Taka absolutely had to have, was too expensive, but if Taka begged for
syrup at the grocery store, she always bought it for him, so he had no idea
what her reason really was. Maybe it was because, if she made breakfast for his
brother, she would have to make it for him, too. But he didn’t want to think
like that.
    “Of course,” Anjaleque said with a smile that made a strange warmth fill
Vel’s chest.
    The two boys followed Shi’s mother into the kitchen where she made Vel a
plate and heated it up in the oven. Vel wasn’t used to such a thing, having
most of his dinners coming out of microwaves recently. The Chinese food, though
something that he had a least once a weekend anyway, was the best thing he had
tasted in weeks. He wondered if it had anything to do with Shi’s mother there,
making sure he had enough food and milk, or Shi sitting next to him at the
table, even though he wasn’t eating anything.
    It was strange how such a simple thing could be so comforting. He had never
had a friend before, even before they had moved, but he had never been lonely
for companionship until he had met Shi. He wondered what that meant, if what he
was lonely for wasn’t really friendship, but Shi’s friendship. He thought that,
if he had the option of living with Shi instead of his own family, he would
take it in a heart beat, no matter what the price was, but he instantly hated
himself for wishing for that. No matter how much being in his family hurt, no
matter how cold he felt when he was around his brother and mother, how could he
want to abandon them? He was just a kid still, but they needed him. Sometimes,
his mother forgot to take care of herself and Taka hadn’t made any friends at
school, yet. They were his family, and he should love them, no matter how much
they ended up hurting him.
    Besides, it wasn’t his mother’s fault that she had changed. She was just
lonely and regretting her decisions, and his father was just angry at her, so
he had lashed out at Vel. They hadn’t meant to hurt him, anymore than Taka had
meant to make Vel feel so alone. Vel could understand his mother’s feelings,
because when he was in that house, when Shi wasn’t around, he felt alone, too.
So how could he ever blame her when she ignored him, forgot about him, or just
outright hated him? But still… he loved this place. To him, Shi brought a
warmth and stability to his life that he hadn’t felt since his father had left
them. He loved Shi for that, and he loved his family. It made his hesitate as
he ate, as the thought came that Shi’s family didn’t even matter, he was sure
that he would trade his mother and brother just for Shi in a second. That had
to be wrong, to prefer living with his friend than his family, but he did. Did
that make him bad?
    He looked over at his best friend. He had his arms folded on the table, his
head resting on them, and was staring off into space. His long, golden hair
pooled on the table and Vel thought that, if Shi had been at his house, his
mother would be screaming at him to have better manners. They never put their
elbows on the table or slouched in Vel’s house, but Shi’s mother wasn’t
yelling, or even lightly scolding, and Vel wondered what it would be like to
get through an entire day without someone, usually his mother, lecturing him
about proper habits and righteous behaviors. He didn’t think that Shi was being
rude, he wasn’t even eating anyway. Actually, the posture made him look… Vel
didn’t think that ‘pretty’ was the right word. Shi certainly wasn’t ugly, but
the younger boy would probably be annoyed if he equated him with something so
girly.
    The thought almost made him laugh and he continued eating to mask his
smile. He really didn’t understand why he was Shi’s only friend. He was easily
the most… well, attractive was a good a word as any… person in school, even
better looking than the girls, Vel thought, and when he was older, he probably
be even more striking. Those red eyes that everyone else seemed to hate and
fear so much were intense and deep, like they could look into your heart and
see all your fears and secrets. His long hair made him look like a young prince
from some far away land, yet he also had a roguish appearance to him, what his
mother would call a ‘bad boy’. He was athletic and friendly, able to make even
the most closed off person laugh until they were in tears, Vel knew that
quality very well. He thought that Shi was the only person left in the world
that could make him laugh like that.
    So, by all accounts, Shi should have been one of those boys that was
destined for popularity, yet everyone was scared of him because of the same
things that had drawn Vel to him. He couldn’t understand it. It wasn’t just
confusing, it was almost painful at how unfair it was. Vel, with his shyness,
had never expected to have many friends at all. And even if he did, he had
thought when he had first moved to this town, how could he possibly explain his
family to them? But Shi had understood. His family was perfect, unflawed and
filled with love without a single dark spot, but Shi had accepted him so
easily, it made him wonder if there was any darkness in Shi’s heart. Sure, he
had hit that boy, but he had regretted it immediately. For all his quickness to
anger, he was just as quickly capable of forgiveness and affection.
    “Done?” Anjaleque asked, suddenly standing right next to Vel.
    Vel nodded, then blushed darkly as she leaned over him to take his plate
from him. Her fire colored braid slipped over her shoulder and brushed his neck
as she passed. For a moment, he felt overwhelmed by the evidence of her beauty
and wondered if that was where Shi got his, even though his friend looked more
like his father.
    “Shi, why don’t you take your game into your room?” his mother suggested as
she started to do the dishes, “Eirie should be asleep by now, so don’t make too
much noise.”
    “Ok,” Shi said with a happy nod.
    Vel obediently followed him into the living room, where Shi unhooked the
game system from the TV and led him to his room. On the way there, Shi peeked
into his little brother’s room, making sure that Eirie was sleeping soundly,
and quietly closed the door. Shi’s obvious care for his little brother made Vel
smile and he remembered a time when he readily tucked Taka in as well. Those
days were over now, though. His mother always tucked his little brother in
recently and, as weird as he felt around Taka lately, he oddly felt like
something had been taken away from him.
    In Shi’s room, the younger boy closed the door behind them and plugged in
the game system. He brought up the expandable screen and turned on the familiar
racing game he and Eirie often played. He put it on his desk so he and Vel
could sit on his bed while they played. Vel put his things on the other side of
the room and started to inflate the air mattress. It would only take a couple
of seconds, but Vel was the sort of person that always planned ten steps ahead.
He guessed that his friendship with Shi was a little strange. They were just so
different. Shi was rambunctious and spontaneous while Vel was collected and
organized. On the outside, one would think that such two people would fight all
the time and have an unstable friendship, but it was like they balanced each
other out. When Vel sat down on the bed, Shi felt an upsurge of panic overcome
him. He wanted to scream at him not to touch it, not to touch the dark, dirty
place, and he had to grip the controller in his hand and bite down on his lower
lip to keep from doing anything.
    Vel sat and Shi held his breath, but nothing happened and he quickly
released it. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, it was just a bed, not
a chasm, and he felt silly for his irrational fears. He sat down next to his
best friend and they started to play. Shi blushed as their arms touched because
they were sitting so close to each other. He tried to concentrate on the game,
but it was hard with the boy sitting right next to him. He wasn’t even sure
what his heart was thinking, but it was racing. They were the same height and
it made Shi wonder if there would come a time when he would be the taller one.
He thought that that would be kind of weird considering he was younger, but
maybe it could happen.
    The thing was, even though his mother and brother were short, his father,
aunt, and grandfather were really tall. He wondered if he would be as tall as
his grandfather one day. It was possible, he told himself, after all, they were
blood relatives, so it was entirely possible that he had some of his
grandfather’s traits, but that possibility hurt just to think about. Cree was a
monster in height, build, and strength. He could feel it every time the raven
haired man fucked him. It wouldn’t be so bad, he thought, if his grandfather
wasn’t also a monster in thought and heart, too. He didn’t want to be anything
like him, in any sense at all. Even the color of his eyes scared him now
because it was a link to his grandfather, to the past that he was maddeningly
curious about, terrified of, and no one would speak to him of.
    Shi glanced over at Vel. It wasn’t the first time he had thought that
maybe, just maybe, he had more in common with his grandfather than just eye
color. His grandfather was usually calm to the point of cold professionalism,
as though he were used to being in complete control of his world, and everyone
else’s as well. But he was also very capable of anger. Shi saw it in his eyes
whenever anyone dared to disobey him. It was like he was actually shocked, like
the possibility of disobedience was impossible to him. He easily remembered
when he had tried to fight back the day they had met, how his grandfather had
grabbed him and how he had wondered afterwards, had he kept struggling, would
Cree have broken his shoulder.
    That incident the previous day came to his mind easily as he felt the
phantom pain in his shoulder. He remembered the incredible rage he had felt at
that older boy, how it had filled his cold heart with painful, searing heat. He
remembered how that powerful emotion had, for a few minutes, turned him
completely insane. He remembered the blood on the boy’s face and the twisted
fear and happiness in his own chest he had felt when he realized he had hurt
him, that he had caused another person pain.
    Shi looked away from Vel quickly, loosing control of his car and almost
crashing. Was he really so much like his grandfather? He couldn’t deny that he
had felt real rage and hatred to the point of physical violence, but did that
really mean that his grandfather was his destiny? What if he tried really,
really hard to be like his father, who, in Shi’s mind, was as far away from
Cree as you could get? But his father, who was so patient, understanding, kind,
and gentle, would never ever use violence as any sort of means, even in anger.
No matter how badly he and Eirie misbehaved, he never yelled, never hit. He
could be hard, but he was never cruel and he never punished them unfairly. How
could he ever hope to become his father when he had already crossed that line
separating the man he loved the most, and the boogieman?
    And would it stop with the anger, with the violence and the dark thoughts,
or was he destined to become the monster that hurt him again and again? Did his
love for Vel mean he would become… become a rapist, too? Had what Cree done to
him even count as rape? He kept calling it that, but in reality, if Vel or his
parents found out about it, would they see it that way? Shi’s fingers tightened
on the game controller and the sounds of the game faded into buzzing, mindless
noise. He had never wanted to have sex with Cree. In his heart, in his most
secret fantasies, he had thought and seen himself losing that magical thing
called ‘virginity’, a thing he hadn’t even understood at the time, with Vel.
Just Vel, no one else, not even the most beautiful girl he could dream up. And
Cree had stolen that from him. But you couldn’t steal something if it’s just
given to you, right? But he had wanted to give it to his best friend…
    He had consented. His grandfather had asked him if he would do it. He had
been given a choice. He hadn’t been forced, like those girls on the news. He
could have said no and walked away. He would have hated himself forever… but
really,could he have sold out his baby brother? How could he possibly know?
Just the thought made him feel sick and dirty, but so had the sex. He hadn’t
been able to give up Eirie back then because he loved him and betrayal was
beyond him.
    But now… now he knew what rape was, how it felt… how it changed everything
and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone, even someone he hated. How could he do that
to Eirie? But still… Cree had given him the choice, had given him the power and
responsibility of choice.
    And he had said yes. He had said yes. If you said yes, it couldn’t rape…
right? Right? Was he a whore, then? Or a slut, or whatever they were called?
Every Saturday, he let that man have sex with him and said it was to protect
Eirie, but still… he had the choice. Then, after all this time blaming his
grandfather… was he the bad guy after all? Did he… like it, returning to it
over and over without so much as considering saying no, just once? But, it
hurt… it hurt so bad… He was so confused. Was he a good person or a bad one?
Was Cree evil or was Shi the evil one, the dirty one? He felt like he was going
insane… And Vel… to him, would he…
    “Shi?” Vel’s worried voice broke through Shi’s dark thoughts, but didn’t
destroy them.
    Shi blinked at him and realized that he had dropped his controller and hot
tears were pouring down his cheeks.
    “Shi…” Vel’s voice immediately changed from worry to outright alarm.
    He had never seen Shi cry, in the entire two years they had been friends.
He didn’t know what to think, what to do, all he knew was that his best friend,
his only friend, the only person who had ever tried to understand him, was in
pain. He didn’t even know why, but his own heart hurt just to see that stricken
expression. He didn’t know how to fix it, to make him stop crying, he just
didn’t know what he was supposed to do.
    “What’s wrong?” he demanded.
    Shi shook his head, still silently crying. No matter how hard he tried, no
matter how embarrassing it was that Vel could see him crying, he just couldn’t
stop.
    “Don’t,” he pleaded, “It’s nothing.”
    Vel narrowed his bi-colored eyes at his friend, annoyed that Shi was lying
to him. He knew that something was wrong, he had known it for weeks, but he
couldn’t make Shi tell him. But even if he didn’t know, that didn’t mean he
couldn’t help, that he couldn’t be a friend.
    Shi’s eyes widened in shock as Vel suddenly pulled him into a tight hug. He
hesitated for a second. His heart was beating wildly, like some sort of crazed,
trapped animal. Vel was holding him. He could feel his warmth and his comfort,
his solid form holding him, offering whatever he needed to make the pain stop.
He finally brought his own arms around the other boy, his fingers digging into
the shirt that clothed his back. He hadn’t cried since that night. Why now? He
had to ask himself that. Why was he crying now, in front of the one person he
never wanted to show such a weakness to?
    But then again, if he could show weakness to anyone at all, it would be
Vel. He trusted him, with everything, even with his heart and his secrets, with
his vulnerability. He trusted him like no one else, even his parents. That
realization made him cry harder and he buried his face in Vel’s shoulder. In
that instance, he wanted to tell Vel his secret more than he ever had before.
It was on the tip of his tongue, burning to be released. His fear made him bite
down on it, his fear of rejection, though right now, it seemed so small and
silly. He just… he loved him so much. In the face of Vel leaving him, what his
grandfather had done to him seemed so uselessly small.     His heart felt like
it was overflowing with the volume of his feelings for his best friend. Maybe
that was why he was crying, not because he wanted to tell Vel the truth, but
because he was terrified of ever hurting him, and consumed with sorrow that he
had nothing left to give, no way to show him just how much he loved him.
Would there come a time when he would hurt Vel like Cree had hurt him? Would he
be consumed by the desires in his heart and end up taking from Vel what he
should give freely? But there was more than one desire inside him. He wanted
Vel, he wanted to know what that terrible thing would feel like with him, if it
would be different. He wanted to know if he could make Vel feel good, even if
it caused him only pain. But, more than that, he wanted to protect Vel. That
desire was stronger than any other, so was it even plausible that one day, he
would become… Cree, and hurt the one he loved? How could he possibly know?
Should he distance himself from his friend, from this warmth and love, just
because of a possibility? But that possibility was so terrible, so evil, how
could he risk his safety? If he could just know, could find some way to test
himself…
    Shi unwrapped himself from Vel and looked into his contrasting eyes. There
was a way. There was something he could do, something so very different from
what his grandfather liked to do to him, but still, a test. No, it was more
than just a test. Much more than that. He could kiss him. Just one kiss, then
maybe he would know. If he could do it, and not want… that from Vel, then maybe
he would know if he could control his urges. If he still wanted to protect Vel,
more than he wanted to have something… intimate with him after that, then he
would be safe… right? And it wasn’t just that… he wanted to do it. Maybe he
always had, from the moment his mother had told him that a boy could like
another boy. He wanted to know what it felt like. It was the one thing his
grandfather never did. He had kissed his stomach and his forehead, even both
his shoulders, but never his lips. And he wanted to know, if it would be good,
it if was like on TV and it was special and beautiful. He needed something
beautiful.
    His parents did it all the time. Eirie was too young to see it as anything
but mushy, but lately, Shi had started to wonder if they did it because it felt
good, or just because, since they were married, they were supposed to. He
wanted to know if it was as good as everyone said. Of course, people said that
sex was nice, too, but it wasn’t. Not really. But maybe kissing would be
different. He wanted to know if Vel’s lips were as soft as they looked. And
wouldn’t it be wonderful if Vel liked it, too? It would be the best thing on
Earth if Vel didn’t mind, didn’t hate him afterwards. And if he did, he could
just say he was curious, and that was the truth. Kissing you could take back,
not that he ever wanted to. No, if they kissed, he would hold that memory close
to his heart forever and ever, for as long as he could remember it. But
screwing… especially with his grandfather, he was pretty sure if you told
someone that, you couldn’t take it back no matter what you said. He needed to
know… even if the truth was ugly, for a moment, he was sure he could experience
something wonderful and beautiful, for the first time since that night…
    “Shi?” Vel asked in confusion when the younger blonde put his hands on his
shoulders and leaned in a little.
    Shi paused for a moment, but didn’t let go of Vel’s shoulders. He could
think that he wanted to kiss him, but in reality, he had no idea what he was
doing. He had never really cared for romance scenes on TV, and like Eirie, he
looked away when two people kissed, because it was just gross. But he wasn’t
that little kid anymore. You just had to press your lips to another’s person,
right? Somehow, it seemed like there was more to it than that. His heart
thumped unpleasantly as he finally closed the distance between Vel and himself.
    Vel’s eyes slipped close as Shi invaded his personal space, though it was
gentle and slow, not abrasive. He didn’t have time to act at all, but even if
he had, when Shi’s lips brushed against his, his mind went blank and all he
could think of was how it felt. At first, he felt completely thrown off his
feet. His mind was yelling at him that Shi was three years younger than him and
Vel himself was probably too young for this kind of thing, but the kiss wasn’t
one of a nine year old. Shi didn’t mash his lips against his, like a little kid
trying to mimic something he didn’t understand. The kiss was gentle and
intimate, the kiss of someone who held no doubts in their heart, but also a lot
of curiosity and nervousness.
    His common sense was screaming at him to shove Shi away, the boy had no
idea what he was doing, what the kiss meant, he was just curious, as any little
kid would be, but that voice was small and pitiful compared to what his heart
was telling him. This was Shi, it said. Shi was mature beyond his years, and
even if he weren’t, it didn’t feel wrong. If he didn’t like it, didn’t want it,
shouldn’t it feel wrong? Instead, his chest felt like it was on fire, but it
wasn’t burning, just warm and pleasant, though intense. His heart told him to
hold Shi close, to show him all he knew about kissing, which wasn’t much, but
was probably more than Shi knew.
    Instead, he stayed still, terrified that if he moved, Shi would lose his
courage. The other boy’s hand was still on his shoulder, but it wasn’t tight or
hurtful. Then there was the kiss itself. It was a bit more than a brush of the
lips, but it wasn’t harsh or wet, just gentle and affectionate. Shi’s lips were
soft and Vel could feel his friend’s heat on his cheeks and neck. Shi’s silken
hair brushed his ears and the side of his neck, like a caress. Vel’s heart was
thundering at all of this and he felt like it was in his legs and his stomach,
not just his chest, and he felt like he was going to explode with something
that he had no name for. Without even realizing it, he touched Shi’s hand on
his shoulder with his own, their fingers linking together. Even though he
didn’t realize he was doing it, he did feel the melting of his heart with that
simple touch.
    He was in love with Shi. Vel’s eyes shot open at that shocking realization,
but they quickly slid closed again as the warmth of that love overwhelmed him.
He loved Shi. He couldn’t deny that, there was no point in denying it. Not now,
with the younger boy kissing him in a way that was definitely not friendship,
and his heart pounding, loving his touch more than anything he had ever
experienced before. He liked it. In that moment when Shi’s lips had met his,
all thoughts of loneliness and longing had fled him and he could only focus on
his best friend. Already, he wanted more. Had this always been there? He
couldn’t deny that Shi had always made him feel good inside and their
relationship had been very intimate and special. Had he always loved him?
    Vel wasn’t moving away, Shi thought in relief, but he hadn’t done it right.
He should have asked him if it was ok, instead of just… leaping on him like
that. But he had been so nervous and if he had asked, what would he have done
if Vel had said no? Maybe he would still be angry, even if he wasn’t moving
away? He ended the kiss with that thought, of Vel being angry, and tried to
move away, an apology already on his tongue. He wouldn’t apologize for the
kiss, because it had been the best thing ever, better than video games or apple
pie or anything else he could think of, but he would apologize for not asking
for Vel’s permission. Because he never wanted to be the sort of person who took
like that. But he had loved it, more than he had thought he would. It didn’t
hurt at all. It was no wonder his parents kissed all the time if it felt like
that. If only sex felt that good…
    Vel felt Shi start to move away and panicked for a second. He grabbed Shi’s
other wrist, keeping him still, and deepened the kiss as much as he dared to.
Neither really knew what they were doing, and it was a little clumsy, but
neither of them cared. Pure joy and love burst in Shi’s chest at Vel’s
returning kiss. In that moment, the dark in his heart was overwhelmed by the
light and fresh tears poured down his cheeks in relief at the momentary
freedom. The most amazing part, he thought, was that, even when they finally
parted, that light lingered, even as it mixed with the shadows. And it was
beautiful.
    “Why did you kiss me?” Vel whispered, his voice rough with emotion.
    “Why did you kiss me back?” Shi countered.
    Vel looked at him and felt his breath leave him completely. Shi’s eyes were
sharp and incredibly intense, filled only with one emotion; love. That
singularity, in comparison to Vel’s swirling feelings of doubt and fear and
affection, was powerful. Looking into those ruby eyes, he felt like he was
drowning in Shi’s love for him, and he was happy to do it.
    “I love you,” the words slipped out of Vel.
    For a moment, he had the urge to take it back, realizing that everything
would change if he didn’t, but when Shi hugged him tightly in unfettered joy,
he discovered he never would. He never could. He remembered the last few weeks,
the darkness in Shi’s eyes, the pain in his heart… and now he remembered that
incredible joy in Shi’s eyes and knew he wouldn’t take that from him. If he
did… he was sure he would go to hell. And he would gladly go there, because
there was nothing wrong with this… if there was… heaven couldn’t be worth it.
He just wanted to see Shi smile. He would protect that smile… no matter what.

End Part 4

***** Part 5 *****
Chapter Summary
     Shi's anger escalates until he does something terrible to protect his
     brother.
Poisoned Memories
Part 5

    Weren’t things supposed to change? It was easy for Shi to think that as he
leaned against a tree, waiting for his little brother to get out of preschool
so they could walk home together, something that Shi had been doing ever since
Eirie had started school. It hadn’t been very long, not long enough for the
season to change quite yet, anyway. It was late fall, not yet winter, though it
sure seemed like it with how cold it was and all the leaves fallen dead on the
ground. Only a year had passed since he had met his grandfather, a little more
than that, actually. He and his family had seen two summers since that day. It
would be two years this spring. He didn’t know why that night when he had lost
his virginity seemed to need an anniversary, but he had thought of it that way
this previous spring, only a month and a half after he had turned ten. “It’s
been one year,” he had thought and had felt an unfathomable emptiness inside of
him.
    Back then, even though a great deal of time had passed, Shi had thought his
lie would be like winter, everything dead and dark for a long time but,
inevitably, the spring would come and everything would change. By last spring,
when he had realized the day and month, he had wondered if such a thing would
ever happen, or if everything would remain exactly the same, regardless of how
much time passed. Sure, some things had changed; Shi had completed two grades
and was now in the fifth, which meant he only had three more grades before he
got to go to high school. Vel was thirteen and he only had this year before he
left his best friend behind in middle school.
    Shi still hadn’t given that much thought, not wanting to not see Vel in
school for three years, but it was also one of those things that couldn’t be
stopped. Eirie had just turned five that spring and, after a lengthy discussion
on the subject, their parents had decided to send him to preschool. Shi thought
that preschool was little more than a glorified babysitting service, but Eirie
loved it there, and that was all that mattered. Shi’s biggest wish was for
Eirie to make some friends there, so his early school years wouldn’t be like
Shi’s had been. He doubted another miracle, like Vel moving to their town,
would occur for his brother. He really had been blessed with Vel’s move, but
Eirie was so shy, Shi didn’t think he would make friends easily.
    Taka and Eirie, unfortunately, had never really connected like Vel and Shi
had, but Eirie seemed perfectly happy to just hand out with his big brother and
his brother’s best friend. Shi worried that he was keeping his baby brother
from trying to make new friends, but he was just as worried of Eirie getting a
friend that would hurt their own relationship. Was it selfish that, after all
that he had suffered, he was happy to have Eirie all to himself?
    While it was true that a few things had changed, mostly, things had stayed
exactly the same. He and Vel were still best friends. If Shi thought about that
night a year ago, when he and Vel had shared each other’s very first kiss, he
thought that their continued friendship, which was stronger than ever, was
pretty miraculous. After the nice, cozy feelings had passed, that night Shi had
lied awake in his bed, wondering if he had done the right thing. They had spent
the rest of that night talking about how the other made him feel, trying to get
everything out in the open.
    Maybe that was why it was hard to understand why Shi hadn’t told Vel about
his grandfather. It felt weirder not telling the truth to his only friend than
his parents, but he was just too embarrassed about it. Though Vel had said that
he loved him, something that Shi still had a hard time with, when the morning
had come, Shi had been so sure that Vel would take it all back. He hadn’t. What
was more, before they had gone down to breakfast, Vel had kissed him in such an
adorable shyness, Shi’s heart had burst into flames.
    He still did that, kissing Vel. His mother had been the one to tell him
about guys liking other guys, but he was still nervous about her finding out
about this new change in their relationship. He wasn’t sure he could make her
understand it. He could barely understand it himself. His feelings for his best
friend had existed long before he had met his grandfather, but what Cree had
done to him had awoken in him a deep desperation for his Vel, for his touch,
his affection, and his acceptance. How could he tell his mother how happy Vel’s
kisses made him without explaining why he had been so miserable before then? He
just didn’t want to lose this… whatever it was between them, even if it meant
he had to hide it from his mother. It wasn’t that big of a deal, really. He was
hiding his deal with Cree from her, too. He wondered which secret she would be
more pissed about. But… if he told her how much in love with Vel he was, would
she really be mad?
    That was something that hadn’t changed, either, his love for Vel. But that
only made the other things that had stayed the same seem cruel. He knew you
could fall out of love with a person, but when he looked at Vel, he thought a
hundred years could pass and he would still love him as much as he did now.
That feeling made it hurt sometimes, knowing that that other thing hadn’t
changed, either. His grandfather was still having sex with him. Every Saturday
he came by, just like always, like it was some sort of twisted ritual for him,
like going to church was for Shi’s family. Neither of his parents seemed to be
suspicious of why Cree was adamant on visiting once a week and Shi supposed
that was sort of a victory that he could keep a secret that big, but it only
made him feel ashamed and depressed.
    Cree’s constant presence in his life made Shi wonder if it would ever
change, if one day, he would turn around to find his grandfather had stopped
haunting his shadow, or if this deal of theirs would go on forever. He was old
enough to know that fifty wasn’t very old, but his grandfather wasn’t immortal.
Still, his death seemed an awfully long way away. He supposed that he was a
pretty big coward if he would rather wait for his grandfather to die instead of
try to fight against him in anyway. It just made him hate himself all the more.
He just couldn’t make himself believe that their… relationship was endless. It
couldn’t be… he had to believe that it would end, and soon, or he would
probably go insane. As it was, if it weren’t for his family and Vel, he already
would be.
    Maybe that was why he was so protective of Eirie. He still loved him to
pieces and like his love fore Vel, Shi’s love for his little brother was as
powerful as always, it had only grown with time. Every time he saw Eirie smile
at him, his violet eyes full of childish innocence, Shi felt this incredible
need to protect him and he never once regretted his choice. He hated that
choice but he didn’t regret it. He wanted to protect Eirie, even if that meant
he had to let his grandfather have sex with him for the rest of their lives. He
could handle the darkness the sex brought, but he could never handle the
feeling that he had let Eirie down.
    Shi stared down at the watch he wore on his right wrist and sighed in
impatience. The watch was a cheap, little thing, but Shi wore it all the time
and cherished it. This summer, their parents had sent Eirie to a day camp where
they did arts and crafts and they had had to make stuff like that. The clock
itself was obviously from a recycled watch, but the kids at the camp had been
taught how to make the cloth straps. Grady O’Constrad, who lived the next
street over and was in Shi’s grade, and had also been sent there by his
parents, had said the place was just a slave labor camp in disguise, since it
taught kids how to make lanyards and stuff like that.
    Shi wasn’t so sure about that. Eirie had definitely enjoyed his time there
and, though he had been the youngest, the little redhead had also picked
everything up the fastest, which made Shi proud. The result was a little,
silver-colored watch that had straps the color of Shi’s eyes, on the left strap
a golden lion had been sewn, and on the back of the clock was engraved: “For My
Big Brother.” Shi had no doubts that his mother or father had paid for the
engraving, but Shi definitely believed that it was the thought that counted. He
also thought the watch was really cool because it was the only clock he had
ever seen that wasn’t digital. Even the clocks in the classrooms had digital
displays.
    Shi glanced over at the hill and almost sighed again. Eirie should have
been here by now. His little brother had walked home with him enough times
after class that Shi was sure that he wasn’t lost. It was the rule that their
parents had set for school. When both of their classes were done, Eirie and Shi
were supposed to meet at this spot. Eirie’s classes ended thirty minutes after
Shi’s, but the blonde didn’t mind waiting for him. And now he was late. Eirie
was never late, had never been late, until now, it worried him. He did that a
lot lately, worrying about Eirie.
    It wasn’t even just about their grandfather anymore. Of course he still
worried about him. He worried that his grandfather would go back on his word
and hurt Eir’. It wasn’t like he had any reason to trust the man. He worried
that one day, he would screw up and Eirie would have to pay for his failures.
Maybe he wouldn’t even realize that he had screwed up, maybe he would just come
and Eirie would be… Shi shivered. If his anxieties over Cree weren’t bad
enough, he now felt himself overwhelmed by a crippling fear of… everything. If
Cree was bad, who else could be bad? He couldn’t stop thinking that. Cree was
their grandfather, someone they were supposed to trust. Who else that they
trusted were really… evil? That thought ate at him late at when sleep refused
to come and he lied awake, staring at the ceiling. Who else wanted to hurt his
brother?
    A teacher, a friend of the family, a neighbor, their doctor, their
classmates… was there anyone he could actually trust? Well, there was Vel and
his parents, but that was a given. No matter what happened, no matter how jaded
he got, Shi would never believe that Vel or his parents would ever cause him or
his brother this kind of pain. And there was other stuff, too, like what if
Eirie was hit by a car or Mr. Perkins’ vicious guard dog got lose and Eirie,
who loved animals and was ignorant of the beast’s history of biting kids, tried
to pet it? These were all things that were completely out of his control, but
thoughts and worries about them drove him half mad. He knew he couldn’t protect
Eirie from half the things he was worried about, but that fact only made his
anxiety worse.
    He knew that these worries weren’t just because of how much he loved his
little brother or even because his grandfather had opened his eyes to how
terrible and dark the world was. Another reason why he was so overprotective of
Eirie was because of all he had sacrificed to keep him safe. If anything bad
happened to Eirie, anything at all, it would render Shi’s contract with their
grandfather pointless, and he… he just couldn’t handle that. He had traded his
soul for Eirie’s, so he could go on protecting him. He didn’t want to know how
incapable, how weak he really was.
    ‘Fuck,’ Shi thought as he looked at his watch, feeling oddly guilty at the
sight of the lion on the strap.
    He never said the four letter word out loud, his parents had taught him
better than that, but he had no problems thinking it. Actually, it seemed like
he was swearing in his head an awful lot lately. Screw it, he thought to
himself, not feeling an inch of guilt over the harshness of his thoughts. If
Eirie wouldn’t come to him, he was going to go to Eirie. He didn’t even
consider the possibility that he might not find his brother. He couldn’t accept
that. Shi hated running, but he did so now. He had only started to hate it
recently, when he had reached a height that running made his long legs ache. He
was still great at sports, but his record time on the track had slowed over his
reluctance to run, which had annoyed his gym teacher, but Shi felt like he
lacked the words to explain the aches. It wasn’t like he was going through a
growth spurt or puberty, so he thought that no one would believe him if he said
his legs hurt when he ran.
    That his school and Eirie’s were separated by a hill was annoying, Shi
thought. If they weren’t, it would be an easy thing to see Eirie exit school
and walk towards him. After today, Shi vowed, he would go right to the
kindergarten’s entrance to meet him, not halfway with a hill separating them.
How could he look after his brother with such an obstacle in his way? He was
being silly again, he realized. Eirie was fine, he was just being protective;
he would be fine.
    Once Shi made it over the hill and down again, it was only a five minute
run to Eirie’s school. He spotted his familiar red hair before then. Despite
all of his self-assurances, Shi felt the clamp around his heart release him
when he saw his little brother leaning against a tree, his green backpack
tossed to the side. Then, as Shi got closer, he realized that Eirie wasn’t
leaning, but was trapped against the tree by three boys, clearly Shi’s age or
older. One of the boys had his hand on the back of Eirie’s neck, holding him
still. Shi felt a strange heat rip through his gut when he saw that the three
boys were laughing. How could anyone possibly laugh at Eirie when he looked
like that, so utterly terrified? That heat grew and grew until Shi thought it
would rip him apart.
    When he got close enough to recognize the boy holding Eirie as the one when
he had hit a year ago, the steel band returned to his heart, harder and tighter
than before. The familiar boy took out a lighter, a flame bursting from it that
danced dangerously close to Eirie’s hair that was almost the same color… That
terrifying heat inside of Shi erupted and consumed him, the rage mating with a
horrible fear and something else that was darker, something that was screaming…

…
…
…
… Darkness, it felt like he was wrapped up in utter blackness. He could feel a
strange buzzing in his head, which was just plain odd, since he could only feel
it, not hear it. His heart was pounding in his ears, but he couldn’t hear his
own breathing, just that sound of his heart beat, like some sort of primal
drum. Off in the distance, he heard a woman crying, but that didn’t matter. He
heard people, adults, screaming his name, screaming at him to stop, but they
were muffled, like they were coming from a different world. His vision had been
reduced to a pinprick of reality, but that reality was dangerous and he
couldn’t make himself focus on it. He didn’t want to. Someone grabbed his arm
and Shi lashed out at them. They quickly went away and he let it go. They
weren’t the threat. He was taking care of the real threat…
    “Shi, stop it!” Shi heard his little brother screaming.
Eirie… he was ok… he was safe… not hurt… he had saved him… Something in Shi’s
head snapped violently, painfully, and he was thrust back into the fullness of
reality.
    The first thing that came to him was the sound of the birds around the
clustering of trees, singing. The sun was shining brightly, so different from
the darkness he had been emerged in just seconds before. Then, he saw his
hands. They were furious fists, covered with so much blood, his fingers were
caked together and he had to work at them for a few seconds to unclench them.
It wasn’t just blood, either, but chunks of… of…
    “Shi!” Eirie’s voice was the only thing that kept Shi from vomiting as
realization started its brutal assault on his consciousness.
    It was Eirie’s sweet, young voice that made Shi look down. For the first
time, Shi noticed that he was kneeling on the ground, not standing up. The
knees of his jeans were ripped and stained in drying mud and… and blood. The
blood on his hands was still hot… hot and wet… Slumped against the tree was
proof of everything he couldn’t remember. It was hard to recognize the boy he
had fought with a year ago, the boy that had tried to burn Eirie’s hair… but
Shi knew it was him. His face, hair, and neck were drenched in blood. His face
was mangled, swollen and distorted by powerful blows. Shi couldn’t see cracks
in the boy’s skull, leaking more blood and brain matter, but he knew they were
there. He knew, and there was only one reason why he could know that…
    ‘I did this,’ the thought thundered in his brain.
    He stared at his hands, feeling numb all over, but his heart beat seemed to
be screaming in his head. Everything around him was gray and wrong, silent and…
and numb. He had done this. The bloody… thing lying there was his fault. He had
killed someone. He… he was a murderer! Vel’s voice saying that he wasn’t a bad
person came to him. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god… what had he done? How… how had
the darkness gotten this big? How could he have? He wasn’t this kind of person!
He wouldn’t hurt someone, not really… that wasn’t who he was… No, that wasn’t
who he had been, before, but now… was this what he had become, a mere animal,
killing and eating and destroying, not caring about anyone? But he did care…
    “Shi!” he heard his brother calling for him a third time and felt someone
with small hands tug at his shirt insistently.
Shi felt something else inside of him snap and he shoved his little brother
away from him, hard enough to make Eirie step back a few feet, but soft enough
that the five year old didn’t fall.
    “Get away from me!” Shi yelled at him, terror filling his heart.
    Shi looked around at the people surrounding them. The other two boys were
gone and Shi wondered if they had run away or had been taken away by one of the
teachers that were circled around the grisly scene. He didn’t care. They were
gone, which meant he hadn’t killed them, which was good. And why should he
have? They weren’t the threat. He shivered at the familiarity of that thought.
He glared at the various teachers. What the hell were they thinking, letting
Eirie run up to him like that?! They knew how dangerous he was! They were the
adults, they supposed to take charge! They were supposed to protect Eirie… like
he had…
Was that why… or was that just an excuse? Had he killed the boy to protect his
brother, or was it just because of that rage he had felt? Would it have
mattered who he hit, or would any body do to appease that anger? Would he have
hurt Eirie? Would Eirie’s teachers have pulled him off in time or would they
have just done what they were doing now, stood there, staring at him like a
bunch of stupid cows? Where the fuck had they been when those boys had been
harassing his brother? Could he have done it? No… could he do it? Could he kill
Eirie? Could he hurt him like he had just hurt this boy?
   No! A voice inside of him screamed in denial. He could never hurt Eirie! If
he could, then what had been the point of sacrificing himself like that? If he
could hurt him, why not just give him to Cree to begin with? But that was back
then, such a long time ago, when he had been a different person. If he could
kill someone… wasn’t it logical that he might hurt his baby brother? Or maybe
even Vel… No, no, no, his mind chanted back at him, he could never… but he was
a new person, someone capable of murder… would it really happen? Would he
become his grandfather, a man capable of hurting his own family?
    Shi couldn’t stand the wide-eyed, scared look his little brother was giving
him and he tore his eyes away from him. There was only one other place to look
and Shi’s crimson eyes drifted to the corpse on the ground. Suddenly, horribly,
as fast as a reel of a movie being changed, the bloodied, dead boy became Eire.
The thick blood was almost indescribable from his brother’s red hair and the
eyes that had been swollen shut just seconds before were wide open. The flat,
staring, dull violet eyes were a mockery to Eirie’s usually brilliant ones. The
image of his baby brother’s battered body, broken and dead by his own hands,
hit Shi like a car. He did throw up then, but he didn’t have the time to feel
embarrassed as darkness claimed him again.
*****
    When Shi opened his eyes again, it wasn’t the darkness he was expecting.
Instead of blackness, or even his dimly lit room, pure, brilliant white light
invaded his vision and he had to squeeze his eyes shut again to escape it. For
a few blessed minutes, all Shi could think about was that white light, and all
he could concentrate on was trying to get his eyes open without the light
searing them. He once again had that sensation of being struck by something as
the sleepy fuzz that had been constricting his brain loosened and his memories
hit him. Had it all been a dream?
    Was it just his guilty conscience from hitting that boy? A year had passed
since then, but that long stretch of time didn’t really mean anything to Shi’s
heart. His parents and Vel probably thought that that incident didn’t plague
his thoughts anymore, but that wasn’t true. The truth was, the distance between
that moment and now, was useless. He still thought about it all the time, that
anger, what he was capable of, who he was… Who was he? That question weighed on
him constantly, and it was a question whose answer eluded him every time. He
just didn’t know.
    Was all of this… this messed up reality just a dream like all those others
where he saw his self doing terrible, violent thing like this? Terrible things…
not because he wanted to protect anything, but because heliked it. Because
someone had to pay for the darkness, and it felt so good to make something else
hurt. Was that what this was? But this wasn’t his room, or even Vel’s or
Eirie’s, this was a room devoid of color and life, a room out of his
nightmares, even when he knew that he wasn’t dreaming. And his hands hurt, they
felt skinned and bruised, and he could still taste the bile in his throat… He
tried to cling to the idea that his killing someone was just a very vivid
dream, but it faded as more and more things became more detailed to him. This
was no dream, no matter how much he wanted it to be. He finally started to look
around; though he stayed in the bed he was resting on.
    When Shi was five, he had fallen out of a tree in their backyard and had
broken three ribs. His parents had taken him to a room like this, to make the
pain stop, to make things better. But this didn’t make any sense to him. He
wasn’t hurt; there was nothing to be made better. He had done something wrong,
something awful. So why was he at the doctor’s and not jail? Bad people went to
jail, that was one of the most basic lessons he had ever been taught, so why
was he here? That he wasn’t hurt was obvious at the lack of machines that had
been in here when he had broken his ribs, but he was obviously at a hospital.
Shi sat up and discovered that nothing was holding him down. He had seen that
in movies before. If a bad guy was hurt, he was still taken to a hospital, but
he was tied to the bed. Shi’s freedom only confused him more. Why was he here?
    When Shi swung his legs over the bed and tried to stand, he felt relieved
to realize that he wasn’t wearing one of those stupid gowns. He still had on
his own clothes, but they had taken his shoes and socks for some reason. The
linoleum floor should have been freezing under his bare feet, but Shi barely
felt it. What should he do? Should he try to find his parents? They had to be
here, somewhere. They had to tell your parents when you did something like
this, didn’t they? He wanted to see them, because he was scared and lonely in
this room, and his parents always made him feel better. But this time was
different, this time he had done something so bad, he knew his parents would
never forgive him.
His mother would cry and his father would yell… or worse, they wouldn’t even
want to see him. How could he face that when he needed them so badly right now?
They were probably ashamed of him. How could they not be? And what about Vel,
what would he think about this, about being best friends with a cold-blooded
murderer? At that, a deep guilt filled him. He felt everything, his dreams, his
hope, his life, was spiraling out of control. Did he even want to see anyone,
knowing how ashamed they were of him? Eirie was safe and that one, single,
wonderful fact was the only thing that was keeping him together. He didn’t
remember much about what had happened, but he did remember the lighter and knew
he had saved his little brother’s life.
    And wasn’t it just a little bit strange that, though he hated himself for
what he had done, he was also very happy and relieved that Eirie was no longer
in any danger. Hell, he was proud. It felt like the first time in a year that
he had actually done his duty as a big brother and had protected him. With his
grandfather, it just felt like he was holding the wolf at bay. It felt like he
wasn’t really doing anything to save his brother. Cree was still around, and
the most that Shi could do was attempt to keep the man away from Eirie, but
really, what could he do if their grandfather wanted to hurt his brother? So,
he felt relieved and proud about something that he should only feel horror and
repulsion about. It confused him, made him feel like he was being torn in two
directions.
    No, it was more like four directions because at the same time that he
wanted more than anything to see Eirie and his parents, he was scared. He hated
letting down his mother and father, couldn’t take their contempt. He just
wanted to stay here, if it meant avoiding them. And then there was Eirie. He
wanted to see him so very badly, to see that he really was safe, but he kept
remembering the look his little brother had given him when he had pushed him
away. What had that look been? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Betrayal?     He didn’t
know. No matter how many times he remembered it, he couldn’t figure out what
Eirie had been feeling right then. His heart hurt every time he thought of it,
the pain heavy and thick at the thought that he had done more today than
murdering someone. He had scared the hell out of Eirie. It was bad enough that
Eirie had seen someone die; he had seen his big brother do it. What if he had
damaged something precious? Eirie's innocence; their relationship? What if
Eirie hated him? That pain threatened to disembowel him. He needed Eirie, how
could he keep going if the person he had sold his soul to protect didn’t love
him anymore? He wouldn’t stop what he was doing with Cree, even if Eirie hated
him, but it made him want to break down and cry like a little child.
    He couldn’t lose his family, Shi thought as he walked slowly to the
bathroom. He could survive anything, just not… not that. The people he loved
were all he had to cling to, to keep him human. Otherwise… he was just an
animal, too angry and hurt to survive. It he lost them now, he would rather be
dead, and that would be kinder. Shi suddenly found himself standing in front of
the large mirror in the bathroom and stared at his reflection. For a few,
terrifying moments, he didn’t recognize the boy who was staring back at him. He
was a stranger, an alien thing looking at him. The only tying more hateful than
not being able to recognize his own reflection was when hedid, when it all came
rushing back to him with the understanding that the strange thing with the
terrible red eyes was him, that he was only looking at himself.
    He hated it. It was ugly and awful; those eyes the color of the blood that
stained his clothes that not too long ago, had covered his hands. The pale
skin, the long limbs, the long blonde hair… he hated all of it. It should die.
He should die. It was a monster and he wanted nothing more than to destroy it.
It was him… he understood that, and he hated it. He shouldn’t exist, not like
this. He didn’t want to be this person anymore, he was just so tired of it… but
it was a part of him now, forever, even if it was ugly. Before he even realized
what he was doing, Shi slammed the sides of his fists against the mirror. The
flat surface cracked in a spider web, but didn’t shatter. He felt the sharp
edges of the cracked glass slice his hands and he looked at them in a daze.
Blood dripped down his hands and arms, dripping on to the white floor.
    White, white, white… everything was hideously white, not like pretty snow,
but like nothingness… like his head and his heart. At the sight of the crimson
spots amongst that white, Shi nearly laughed out loud. It felt comical, like a
‘screw you’ to those pure white tiles, to the hospital, even to Cree. A
pointless "fuck you" to his grandfather, a man who thought he had the world in
the palm of his hand. Cree’s world was as pristine, perfect, and empty as the
while of the tiles that he had just made imperfect. That world had rules and an
order that Cree not only excelled in, but hungered for. He thought, just
because he held power over the people in his life that that meant that he was
master of his world, but that world was a lie.
    It was because of his grandfather that Shi had come to realize that the
real world was wild, chaotic, and raw, not ordered. There were no rules. In
such a world, the only part of Cree that was ‘real’ was his power. In such a
world, a boy who hated seeing people hurt, and who only wanted to do good, had
killed another human being out of bitter anger. Where was the order in that?
But Cree’s unwavering power had turned him into this. Shi studied the contrast
of the dark crimson on his pale skin. He couldn’t really see the cuts under the
blood, but he should be crying with the pain, right? But it didn’t really hurt,
not in the way he was used to.
It was strange. It was like the pain, though sharp and throbbing, had lifted
something terrible from his heart, but now that the pain was starting to fade,
that burden was starting to return, too. It was almost as though… as though the
pain in his heart had been eased by the pain in his hands. Those cuts had made
him feel good. No, it wasn’t really the pain, but therelief. How could he feel
that way, just from hurting himself? Pain wasn’t supposed to make you feel
good…
    Shi suddenly caught his reflection in the mirror again and had that insane
urge to laugh once more. The cracks in the mirror fractured his reflection into
hundreds of himself. Wasn’t that just perfect? It was exactly how he felt.
Because of what he had agreed to do with his grandfather, he was cracked,
fractured, but not broken. Wouldn’t it be easier if he were? Then, someone
would be forced to fix him, wouldn’t they? Because broken mirrors shattered all
over the floor, but cracked ones just… hung there, useless, ready for one more
blow to send them crashing down… and wasn’t that what he was doing, walking
around wounded, just waiting for that one last blow… Would anyone bother to fix
him, though, or just throw him away like so many shards? It would be so much
easier… things that were broken stayed broken and useless and were usually
thrown away. Maybe if the broken thing had once been beautiful, some kind,
sentimental soul would try to fix it, but it was hard work, and he had never
been beautiful…
    Shi took a hesitant step away from the mirror and watched as his reflection
vanished from its surface. It made his heart ache and feel hollow at the same
time for some reason, but it was a relief, too. He didn’t want to look at it
anymore. He already felt like he was unraveling, constantly, he didn’t need the
reminder in front of his eyes. That was just another reason why the cracked
mirror struck him as so damn funny. His soul wasn’t just cracked, he felt like
he was pulled in different directions. He felt like his heart had as many faces
as his reflection. He felt hate, love, confusion, terror, righteousness,
strength, vulnerability, pathetic, relief, anxiety, rage… and that was all just
directed towards his grandfather and their deal, that wasn’t even taking in
consideration for his conflicting feelings about Vel, his brother, his parents,
his classmates, his eyes, his height, Aunt Ursula and all the other relatives
that had stopped visiting as soon as his grandfather had shown up. Not to
mention how he felt about all those secret little things in the past that his
mother never spoke of.
    Shi thought that, considering his grandfather’s rude intrusion into his
perfect little life, he deserved to know everything that his mother remembered
about Cree. After everything he had suffered and everything he had lost… didn’t
he deserve that much? He wanted to know about their fight, why his mother had
refused to see him for nine whole years. Had she known? That thought was so
terrible, so… so unthinkable, Shi shuddered where he stood. He couldn’t bear to
continue thinking that that his mother had known of her father’s evil and had
allowed him to enter their home. No matter what, he wouldn’t believe that of
her. But still… he wanted to know; he wanted to know if there had been some
sort of clue, if his grandfather had always been like this, or if there was
something else going on.
    Could a man just… become evil? It had to be true; otherwise, it meant that
Shi had always been coming to this, that this moment had been inevitable. But
he hadn’t been like this, so angry, so willing to do violence just to ease the
pain in his heart, so it must be possible to just, once day, wake up a monster.
Shi slowly exited the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bed. He wanted to
know these things, but at the same time, he was terrified of what the answers
would be. So many different feelings inside his head… he really shouldn’t be so
surprised that he felt like he was going insane.
    Shi didn’t know how long he sat there, staring blankly at the wall, his
blood dripping onto the sheets, which were as annoyingly white as the rest of
the goddamned room, but when someone knocked on the closed door, his entire
body flinched violently, as though he had been punched in the face. He waited,
frozen for several seconds, wondering what he should do. Why was anyone
knocking? If he just stayed quiet, or told them to leave him alone, would they
go away? Adults never listened to kids, but why bother knocking anyway? To
Shi’s extreme annoyance, the door opened before he could think of anything to
do.
    That annoyance quickly turned to confusion as, instead of the police or
even his parents, two women walked in. They both had dark grey eyes, but beyond
that, they looked nothing alike. The first one in was wearing a pink outfit
like the nurses wore and she carried nothing, unlike the other woman who held a
clipboard. The nurse looked as young as his mother, her ash blonde hair pulled
into a loose ponytail. At the sight of her hair, Shi suddenly felt a powerful
longing for his best friend. He thought that, if he saw Vel now, his heart
might tear apart in pure need and desperation for his comforting touch. The
other woman was much taller than the nurse and was middle aged, though not as
old as most of Shi’s teachers. Her dark brown hair was short, but it hung
around her face instead of being close to her head. She wore a long, white
coat, like the doctors did, but Shi didn’t think that she was a doctor.
    For one thing, the older woman didn’t stride like a doctor, like the
hospital and its patients belonged to her, like a queen in a castle, who knew
more than anyone else. The woman walked like someone who had confidence, who
knew what she was doing and had every right to be there, but she was still just
a guest and lacked any pompousness. She didn’t have a stethoscope hanging from
her pocket or around her neck, either. Also, the clothes under her coat were
drab, cheap looking and Shi thought that this meant she didn’t make as much as
a doctor. Immediately, he was on alert. He would have known what to expect from
a doctor, but he had no idea who this woman was and that set him on edge.
    Shi wasn’t very good at a lot of things, but for as long as he could
remember, he could see things, miniscule details, that few other people
noticed. His dad said that he had ‘eagle eyes’, whatever that was. A leaf that
was a different color from all the others on the tree, that Mr. Abbley from
next door never recycled, but his wife always did, that Vel’s bangs on the
right side of his face were slightly longer than on the left, almost to the
point that they were covering his beautiful, golden eye… he always had the urge
to run his fingers through those bangs, or brushing them aside so his fingers
could graze his cheek or forehead.
    It seemed that his stupid, red eyes were only good for such observations,
but the skill itself was pretty useless. He couldn’t think of single way to use
it in the ‘real world’, unless he sought a job in bird watching. But even that
was pointless because he could never remember all the names of those birds
anyway. Eirie was good at stuff like that, though. Eirie was good at all kind
of things… Shi was sure that their parents considered his little brother the
better child. Eirie could draw, he was friendly and cute, he could memorize
things easily, and he was kinder, better than Shi could ever hope to be. And
yet he wasn’t jealous. He should be, but he wasn’t. He had accepted the fact
that Eirie was a better person, that he deserved to be a better person, the
second he had sat down to play video games with him that day and had realized
the extent of his love for him. That day… he had been glad to take up arms and
sacrifice himself for his baby brother, as long as he could protect that light
inside of the little redhead, that shining brilliance.
    It was because of this weird skill that he was able to know that the woman
that was slowly approaching his bed was definitely not a doctor or a nurse, or
anyone else that he could imagine had a reason to be here. In the end, he
supposed that it didn’t really matter who she was. He was in trouble, the sort
of trouble that he had never imagined that he would ever be in. How could he
have? Who, in their sane minds, would look at their future and imagine
themselves in this situation? But no matter who this woman was, sooner or
later, he was going to get punished for what he did. It was what was supposed
to happen. Bad people got punished. There was a small, furious voice deep in
his head that hissed to him, saying that his grandfather had never been
punished for ruining his life, and that was perhaps the very root of all that
anger inside of him now. But he couldn’t bring himself to even consider the
possibility that he might be beyond punishment, too. He didn’t have his
grandfather’s power, or his luck. Maybe some bad guys didn’t get punished, but
that was only because they were big, like his grandfather was, and not just in
stature. Shi wasn’t that kind of person.
    But still, it made his chest hurt. He was sorry for what he did, but he
knew that his grandfather had never felt any sort of regret, or even pity, for
what he had done. So why was it his fate that he had to go to jail, while his
grandfather got away with everything? It just wasn’t fair! That knowledge, the
image of his grandfather’s smirking face, and the phantom of his punishing
cock, made the rage boil intensely inside of his heart. With it, came that
spark of fear that he might unleash it, that he might hurt someone again. To
his shock, just as quickly as it had burned him, his anger vanished in the face
of that fear. He couldn’t understand it… Vel had tried to help him control his
anger and that had seemed to help, but why was it so easy to wrangle a hold
over his fury now, when it had been useless the second he had seen that boy try
to hurt his little brother? Why hadn’t he been able to find that calm center,
why had not even a second passed before he had… he couldn’t remember, he only
knew that very little time had passed between seeing that flame and killing
that boy.
    The nurse, her badge said Scott, approached him slowly and Shi wondered if
she had been told of what he had done. He wondered if she was thinking that he
was dangerous and might leap at her at any second. He wondered if she thought
he should just be locked up or shot like a wild dog and that she shouldn’t have
to be here, in a closed room with him. Then, that hesitation quickly vanished
as the nurse gasped loudly in the hollow sounding room and rushed to his side.
Shi immediately flinched from her as she knelt down, unsure of what she was
doing. When she gently touched his slashed up hands, he let go of the breath he
had been holding in. Of course she had just run over here because of his
wounds. She was a nurse after all, it didn’t matter who he was; it was just her
duty. But her concern, duty or not, made something ease a little inside of him.
    “I thought you said that they had already cleaned him up?” the brunette
said tersely.
    “They did!” Scott defended, “His hands weren’t like this earlier…”
    The brunette sighed. Shi looked from her back to the nurse, who had pulled
an aid kit from somewhere and was already wiping alcohol on his cuts. He could
barely feel it, which he thought was odd. When his mom did this, it burned like
hell. Maybe he was getting numb on the outside like he was inside.
    “How did this happen, what did you do?” the nurse pressed in a tone that
was so severely annoyed, Shi hesitated to answer her.
    “What happened?” the brunette said in a much kinder voice that made Shi
relax.
    “I slipped,” he lied.
    It was pretty lame, as far as lies went, but it was the only one that he
could think of at the moment. He wondered what they would do if they found out
that he had done it to himself. Prisoners got last requests, didn’t they? Would
they take away that privilege if they knew he had done this to himself? A last
wish… it probably wasn’t even something that he deserved, but if he could have
one thing before he was arrested, he wanted to see his family one last time. ;
even if they didn’t want to see him. He wanted to tell Eirie how sorry he was,
he wanted to tell his parents that he loved them, so much that that love hurt
sometimes, and that he hadn’t meant to do this. That he just wanted everything
to go back to normal and that he had tried, so very hard, to not be a bad boy.
But it was in his blood now. How could you fight against something that was
inside you? And still, he had tried, but when he had seen that flame… Shi was
so sure that the brunette woman and the nurse would never believe such a stupid
lie, and the look in their eyes told him that they didn’t, but to his surprise,
the brunette smiled at him anyway.
    “I see,” she said and Shi very much suddenly wanted to know who this woman
was, “Well, your wounds don’t look very serious. Do they hurt much?”
    Her voice was kind and Shi realized that this woman actually cared that he
was bleeding, unlike the nurse, who was just doing her job. He was positive
that the brunette knew he was lying because she didn’t ask where he had slipped
or why, but she didn’t press the issue, which confused him further.
    “It doesn’t hurt,” he told her, and that was true.
    The cuts stung a little, but the pain was quickly turning into nothing, and
why did that make him feel kind of sad, like something good was leaving him? He
caught the irritated look Scott threw the other woman, but whoever the brunette
was, the nurse seemed hesitant to scold her. The brunette glared at her,
annoyed by her attitude.
    “You can leave now,” she said to the nurse coldly.
    “Absolutely not,” the nurse snapped, “I was told to stay here, to make
sure-,”
    “I am well aware of that,” the brunette said in a short tone, “But I have
no use for you. Go and tell his parents that I’ll be done shortly.”
    At the mention of his parents, Shi perked up a little. Oddly, when the
nurse stepped out, he felt a little bit better. It felt more comfortable with
just him and another person, and this woman had been nice to him so far, which
was much more than he deserved.
The brunette got on her knees in front of him and took his hands in hers;
examining the light swath of bandages the nurse had wrapped his wounds in. When
she bent to inspect the other woman’s work, Shi realized he could see her
cleavage. It wasn’t very much, but Shi had never been impressed by the size of
a woman’s breasts. Maybe it was because of his age or that was the sort of man
he would grow up to be, but Shi didn’t like the big ones anymore than the
little ones. He had always liked how the soft curves of breast looked, what
little bit he had seen, and he was just as fascinated with Vel’s back. He had
seen it a couple of times, when they went swimming at the public pool in the
summer, and the firmness and strength of it had excited him. He was sure that,
with time, that childish excitement would turn to adult lust, but lust, the
thing that made his grandfather hurt him with eagerness at times, was
frightening and Shi wasn’t sure if that was something he should look forward
to.
    Still, the excitement was ok, it wasn’t something frantic and violent like
lust, it just made him feel warm and made him want to study every inch of that
exciting thing. At this moment, though, it was the touch of the woman’s hand on
his arm that made him blush. His face felt red hot and Shi wondered how the
sight of her cleavage couldn’t do that, but just a little touch could. It
wasn’t something that was alien to him, though. It was like the difference
between seeing a pretty girl in a bikini during the summer and having Vel hold
his hand. The girl was almost always pretty, and he liked that, but for some
reason, Vel’s hand on any part of him made him feel like he was going to
combust. Logic said that seeing a pretty girl almost naked should feel nicer
than just holding hands, so it shouldn’t make sense, but it did. Shi thought
that it was because he was in love with Vel. Girls were nice to look at, but he
had never been in love with any of them before.
    Love, the upperclassmen liked to joke, was just something that girls had
made up to seem classier than boys, but Shi thought, if you believed that, then
you hadn’t ever been in love before. One older boy had told Shi and his other
curious male classmates that love just meant fucking, it wasn’t anything more
complicated than that, but girls hated the word ‘fuck’, because they thought it
was crude, so they made up a different word for it. But Shi couldn’t believe in
that. He and Vel had never had sex, and Shi thought that it wouldn’t be a
terrible thing if they never did, but even if they didn’t, Shi wanted to be
with him. He often thought that he could die happily if he spent the rest of
his life with Vel. He felt that too strongly to think of it as anything but
love.
    “This will probably heal very well,” the brunette’s voice broke Shi from
his thoughts.
    The woman was still smiling kindly at him which was just as confusing to
him as her touch. She didn’t know him and he didn’t know her, but her fingers
were warm on his bandaged arms and hands. She was touching him lightly, gently,
as though she actually cared if she hurt him. And here she was, smiling at him,
like he hadn’t done anything wrong. Did she now know what he had done? Or maybe
this was some kind of trap. Maybe they had told her to be extra nice to him so
he would tell the truth. Well, if it was a trap, it was pointless. He had no
intention of lying.
    “Shi, I’m Doctor Harris,” she introduced herself finally.
    That this woman knew his name unsettled hi ma little, even though it made
sense.
    “You don’tlook like a doctor,” Shi voiced his thoughts.
    Instead of being offended, Harris chuckled. She made a mental note not to
treat the longhaired boy like a child. In her line of work, she had met a lot
of children like Shi. Little kids with eyes like adults. His family doctor had
informed her that Shi was quite intelligent and a bit precocious, but this went
beyond a child who was a bit bright. Shi was like all those other kids she had
spoken with who had been forcibly matured far beyond his years. She didn’t know
what had happened to him, but his eyes…
    “You’re very perceptive,” she remarked, trusting him to know what that word
meant and sure enough, he didn’t look confused.
    “And you’re right, I’m not that kind of doctor, I’m a different sort,” she
explained, “Other doctors heal the wounds people have on the outside. I heal
invisible ones.”
    “Invisible?” Shi asked in confusion.
    “Yes. Sometimes, we have wounds that no one can see. We can feel them, as
painful as any other wound, but others only know about them if we talk about
them,” she clarified, “Visible wounds are easy to take care of with bandages,
but the wounds I take care of are a lot harder to treat. I have to use words,
and the right words are very hard to find.”
    “Oh,” Shi said, his red eyes shining with clarity, “You’re a therapist.”
    “That’s right,” Harris said her smile even brighter.
    She hated her job sometimes because she ended up liking a lot of the kids
under her care. She was a therapist appointed by the hospital to assess the
mental condition of “troubled” kids, so her job often forced her to treat
children who had done things like torture the family pet, hurt themselves, or
even worse. It wasn’t such a bad job, since sometimes she truly got to help
these kids, but most of the time, there was little she could do and it broke
her heart. It was the same now. When she had been told that the police wanted a
psych evaluation on a little boy who had brutally killed one of his classmates,
she had expected to meet a hardened child with no respect for others who would
insist that he had done nothing wrong.
    Instead, she had gotten Shi, who seemed so meek, like he was expecting
someone to come along and strike him. What was worse, his bright intelligence,
thoroughly lacking an over inflated ego, made him likeable. It was easy for
Harris to lump him into the small group of kids she had met who needed someone
to talk to who would listen to his fears and feelings like an adult instead of
a child more than a firm hand or discipline. What little bit she had been told
about this case was that the police weren’t, thankfully, thinking juvie. In her
personal and professional opinion, sending a boy Shi’s age to a place like that
was stupid, but she did realize that this situation was more serious than a boy
who picked fights relentlessly. Or at least, that was the police’s opinion. In
hers, a boy like that was more dangerous than a boy like Shi.
    A ten year old, with no previous record of violence beyond one tiny
incident over a year ago, did not just randomly go around killing other kids
out of the blue. Either there had to be some hidden incidents in his past,
which Harris didn’t think was the case, or something drastic had happened. This
was what the police wanted to know, if Shi was the kind of boy itching for a
fight and would snap at anyone, in which case, they would probably lock him up
in a mental institution, or if this was just a shocking, one time thing. Harris
couldn’t equate the shy boy in front of her as a rabid bully, but he didn’t
look capable of killing at all, either.
    “Wait,” Shi suddenly said, the clarity edging off into confusion, “I don’t
have any ‘invisible wounds’.”
    ‘Liar,’ a voice said in his head that sounded a lot like his own.
    “And even if I did,” Shi shot back at the voice, “What does it matter? I
killed someone! No matter what I say, they’re sending me to jail, so why should
I say anything?”
    Harris fought against a sigh of frustration. How long had he been sitting
in this room believing that, in any moment, the police would come storming in
to take him away from his family? They should have called her earlier. It was
no wonder the boy was so nervous and shy, he was probably a wreck. Her eyes
strayed down to his bandaged hands. Those cuts were an obvious sign of guilt.
Almost all of the boys she had sent to juvie had felt nothing but pride towards
their actions, but Shi obviously felt terrible about it, if he felt the need to
hurt himself like that. She didn’t know is she should tell the police of it, or
even if Shi would do it again.
    “Did someone tell you that?” she asked him.
    Shi shook his head.
    “I did something bad and I would be punished for it,” he said like he was
spouting the most basic truth in the world.
    “You think that what you did was wrong?” she asked.
    Shi gave her a look that said he thought she was being very stupid.
    “I killed someone!” he cried out and Harris thought that he sounded like he
was about to burst into tears, “Even if he was a jerk, he didn’t deserve to
die!”
    Harris made a note of that on her clipboard. It wouldn’t sound like much to
a cop, but to someone in her field, Shi’s self-hatred in the face of his
actions meant the difference between someone who wouldn’t do something like
this again and someone who didn’t care, or worse, had enjoyed it.
    “You didn’t want to kill him,” she summed up his feelings.
    Shi shook his head violently.
    “I hate him, but I didn’t want to hurt him,” Shi murmured sadly, “I don’t
want to hurt anyone… especially not like that.”
    “Then can you tell me why you attacked him?” Harris finally asked the most
important question, “The teachers that witnessed it said there was no build up,
you attacked that boy with enough force to kill him right away.”
    “What does it matter?” Shi demanded, “What difference does it make why I
did it?”
    He couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that the reason had any
importance at all. His punishment was going to be the same, so what difference
did it make?
    “Well, Shi, sometimes, what we do isn’t nearly as important as why we do
it,” Harris told him, “Sometimes a person’s reason makes a huge difference
towards the consequences of their actions.”
    Shi looked terribly confused at her words and it made Harris’ heart ache at
Shi’s inability to take the idea that he might not be punished at face value.
Shi was like a lot of abused kids she had met, incapable of believing in the
good, but expecting the bad. If anything good did happen to them, they believed
that they didn’t deserve it. But Harris had met Shi’s parents and couldn’t put
that stigma on their shoulders. When Shi’s mother had been told what he had
done, her first words were not questions about how Shi could have done such a
terrible thing. Instead, she had asked, on the verge of tears, if her baby was
hurt and what they were going to do to him. If Shi was being abused, it wasn’t
by his parents, she was sure of that.
    “But I don’t get it,” Shi said, “If you do something bad and you get
caught, shouldn’t you get punished?”
    It was the second time Shi had said something like that and she wondered if
that concept of punishment held a higher significance to Shi than Harris was
seeing.
    “Not necessarily. One night, a man breaks into a store and steals a TV
because he doesn’t want to pay for it. On the same night, another man breaks
into another store and steals a TV that is the same price as the other one, but
he does so because he was told that, if he didn’t, he will be killed. Both of
these men have stolen, so shouldn’t they be punished equally?” she questioned.
    Shi immediately shook his head, the answer obvious to him.
    “The second guy didn’t want to steal anything, he had to do it to save
himself, so he shouldn’t be punished so badly,” then it suddenly dawned on Shi
what Harris was trying to get at, “But this is completely different!”
    “Because you killed someone,” Harris inferred.
    “Yes,” Shi responded, like that explained everything.
    “You think that murder is completely inexcusable? What if it was the same
situation as I explained before and someone had to do it to save themselves or
something precious to them?” the brunette pressed.
    Shi hesitated, considering her words.
    “But… what I didis inexcusable,” he whispered.
    “So you think that other bad things are excusable if someone is sorry, or
didn’t mean to, but the things you’ve done aren’t?” Harris asked, truly
disturbed by Shi’s views.
    Shi crossed his legs on the bed.
    “But… no one forced me to do it,” Shi said stubbornly, “So… what I did… how
can it be anything but wrong?”
    “That’s what I’m here to find out,” Harris told him, “The reason why you
did this.”
    “Maybe I’m just a bad person,” Shi retorted.
    “Your parents don’t think so,” she said softly.
    Shi seemed to completely freeze where he sat on the bad at the mere mention
of his family.
    “Do you really think you’re bad?” Harris asked in a quiet, sad voice.
    Shi nodded. It was too easy of a conclusion to come to, remembering the
past year, the rage, the angry thoughts, hitting that kid, then killing him… if
those actions weren’t of a bad person… whose actions were they? Hadn’t he
thought that when he had looked at himself in the mirror? Wasn’t that the
reason why he had hurt himself? Because he was bad… and bad people should be
punished. He had to believe in that… he had to believe that… one day… all bad
people would be punished… even the ones that seemed infallible. Even if that
meant he was one of them… He didn’t notice the worried look the therapist shot
him or that she was writing on her clipboard again.
    “Why don’t you tell me what happened today?” she asked softly.
    “I-I don’t remember a lot of it,” Shi confessed with a shrug of his
shoulders.
    Harris frowned. She had heard that excuse from a lot of kids. They thought
that, if they said that they didn’t remember what they did, they couldn’t
possibly be punished for it. Most of the time, with enough constant questions,
these kids came clean and told her that they remembered everything, but not
always. With some of these children, Harris slowly learned that they were
telling the truth. For some reason, they had blacked out during those events
and could only remember small pieces.
    She didn’t think that Shi was lying. The whole point of saying he couldn’t
remember would be to hide his guilt, but he had already admitted to it and was
miserable because of it. His ideas of what should happen to him in punishment
were probably much harsher than anyone else’s. But if Shi wasn’t lying, that
didn’t bode well for him, either. Usually, people who had black outs like that
had witnessed something terrible and had post traumatic stress disorder.
    “Well, let’s start with what you do remember,” She suggested, “And piece
the rest together later.”
    “There really isn’t that much to tell,” Shi told her, almost shyly, “I was
picking Eirie up from school.”
    “Do you do that often?” Harris asked.
    “Every school day,” Shi responded.
    “It must be annoying,” she guessed, “Having your parents make you wait
around to pick up your baby brother and walk him home. I’m sure you’d rather be
off playing sports or being with friends your own age.”
    Shi almost laughed at that. He didn’t even have any friends his own age.
Even if he did, he was sure that Eirie was better company. He could easily say
that he didn’t like anyone in his grade. Instead, he just shook his head.
    “My parents don’t really make me do it,” Shi said.
    Truthfully, he wasn’t sure if it was something his parents would make him
do it. He had never said no and he didn’t intend to. Actually, he would be
doing it whether they had brought it up or not.
    “It’s not a chore or anything,” he continued, “I like hanging out with my
brother and it’s my responsibility to make sure he’s safe.”
    Shi’s sense of duty impressed Harris. Most boys his age threw around words
like ‘responsibility’ just because their parents used it frequently while they
really viewed such responsibilities as burdens. Shi, on the other hand, seemed
to take it more seriously. He even said the word like it was something
important. She smiled at him.
    “You must love your little brother a lot,” she said softly.
    Shi nodded.
    “Of course I love him, he’s my little brother,” he said like he considered
any alternative to be ridiculous, “And he’s fun to be with. I don’t mind
looking after him or anything like that. Even if I didn’t like it, I’d feel
even worse if he got hurt because of me. Big brothers are supposed to make sure
their siblings are safe.”
    Harris chuckled a little.
    “I suppose that’s true, but not every big brother is like that. I have a
brother who is six years older than me who used to push me around all the time
when we were kids. One time, we were playing on this little bridge over a pond
in our back yard and he pushed me over the edge,” she said, “Fortunately, I was
a good swimmer or I would have been in trouble.”
    Shi stared at her with wide, shocked eyes and for a moment, Harris was
mesmerized by their rare color.
    “But… why would he do that?” Shi demanded, horrified at the thought of him
every doing something like that to his own little brother, “Didn’t he love
you?”
    “Oh, I’m sure he did,” she said with a fond smile, “Not all big brothers
are like you, Shi. Some of them feel that their little siblings are annoying,
burdens that their parents have forced upon them. My brother was sorry for what
he did, but he never apologized because he was the older sibling and was far
too proud to admit that he was wrong. A lot of big brothers are like that. Shi…
sometimes, the people we love can hurt us very badly, but it doesn’t mean that
they don’t love us.”
    Harris’ words sent a painful cold through his heart, like sharp shards of
ice. The people in his life could hurt him and love him at the same time… he
wanted to deny the ambiguity of that, but he couldn’t because he had suspicions
that he had always known it was true. Was Cree one of those people? All the
pain and wrongness he made him feel… did he really love him? And did Shi love
him back? It was true that Shi hated him for his actions, but there were times
when he thought that his grandfather could see him like no one else could and
he might just… he might just love him.
    And whoever said that love was anything but ugly and painful? His love for
Vel and Eirie was painful. He had even tried to hate Eirie for what he had had
to do to protect him, but he couldn’t. What if Cree was the same? What if,
through all his attempts to hate him, he really… Cree wasfamily. When he
visited he brought toys and treats and other nice things for them. Last
weekend, Shi had caught Cree trying to talk his parents into buying him a dog.
Not he and Eirie, but him. He had always wanted a dog, a big one, like a German
Sheppard, which was the breed Cree had been discussing. But how could his
grandfather had known about that?
    He couldn’t understand things like that. What they were doing together was
so wrong, so wrong and painful, Shi had believed that Cree had to hate him,
then he did weird things like buying him his favorite ice cream, or letting him
stay up late to watch a movie he had wanted to see for weeks, and sometimes he
would even kiss him like his dad did.
    Was it possible? Whenever Shi acted annoyed that he was coming over, his
mother would say stuff like, “your grandfather loves you very much,” and he
would scoff and think, ‘no he doesn’t, not really. If he did, he wouldn’t make
me do nasty things with him.’ But deep down inside, Shi wondered why Cree
treated him so kindly when his parents weren’t around. When they were alone, he
could drop the act, but when they weren’t having sex, he was his grandfather,
that was how he acted.
    Now that he thought about it, he thought that Cree liked him a lot better
than he liked Eirie, which was weird. Eirie was cuter than him, better behaved,
and just an all around better kid, but whenever they made a mistake or
misbehaved, Cree would yell at Eir’, never at him, even though he was the older
one, which meant he was responsible. Was that the reason why he had made the
deal with Shi instead of his little brother, because he loved him more? He had
always thought that the idea that Cree might love him, not hate him like he
usually thought would make things better. If his grandfather loved him, that
was good and it would make the pain not so bad. But it only made his heart hurt
worse.
    “Shi?” the therapist’s voice was thick with worry for the sudden, dark
expression in Shi’s eyes.
    The longhaired blonde was a terrible liar. Those sharp, expressive eyes of
his gave him away, making it easy to tell if he was lying or telling the truth.
When he had spoken of his guilt, he had been sad and afraid. When they had
talked about his brother, then hers, he had looked happy, then horrified. When
she had tried to explain the differences in various wrongs, he had been
inquisitive. But now… the look in his eyes now was something else entirely,
something scary.
    “What’s wrong?” she asked, putting a hand on his arm.
    Shi seemed to snap out of his strange mood and met her eyes again.
    “Nothing,” he said.
    It was obviously a lie as when he had said that his wounds were because he
had slipped. Before, she hadn’t pressed because she hadn’t wanted to startle
him so early on. Now, she was scared of the answer, and what his reaction might
be. It was her job to ask such questions, but that didn’t mean that she had to
like the answer she got.
    “So, you were waiting outside your brother’s school for him,” she tried to
continue, “Did that boy see you there?”
    Shi shook his head.
    “I was waiting down the hill. I always wait there for him,” he told her, “I
waited awhile for him, but he didn’t show up,” he got a confused look on his
face, “Eirie’s always on time and I knew… I knew something bad had to have
happened. So, I ran over to his school…”
    Harris’ hand, which had been taking notes on what Shi was telling her,
froze and she stared up at him in just as much confusion.
    “You were sure that something bad had happened? Was there some clue you
saw?” she asked.
    “N-no,” Shi stammered, suddenly unsure of himself, “It wasn’t like that. He
was just late, that’s all…”
    “You had no reason to assume that your brother was in trouble, but you ran
for him,” Harris said with a frown, “Eirie’s fairly young, isn’t it easier to
assume that he was held up talking to a teacher or classmate, or even that he
had lost something or something else like that?”
    Shi’s fingers clenched at his pants. He hadn’t considered any of that, but
she was right… why had he flung off the handle like that? Just because of the
mere possibility that his baby brother could be hurt?
    “I… I didn’t think of any of that,” he confessed, “All I could think was
that he was hurt, that he was in trouble.”
    “Why would you think such a thing?” Harris asked softly.
    She suddenly felt like they were hitting on something very vital, but she
wasn’t quite sure yet why it was something so important.
    “I guess I’m a little overprotective of him,” Shi murmured, “It’s all I
think about sometimes, what if Eirie got hurt because I wasn’t there for him? I
love him and he’s so little and trusting… what if something bad happened to
him? I could never let that happen…”
    His hopeless expression almost broke her heart and she suddenly understood.
He had panicked. The mere thought of his little brother being hurt had given
him a panic attack, enough for him to run all the way to the school for him.
    “Do you think that you would do anything to protect him?” she asked almost
in a near whisper, “If you thought that your brother was in danger, you would
do anything, because you love him and feel responsible for him?”
    “Yes,” Shi said fiercely, “Eirie can’t defend himself, it’s my
responsibility. He relies on me; he trusts me, I can’t let him down.”
    Shi’s words chilled her. The idea of protecting his little brother, no
matter what, was indeed cute and sweet, but it was the way he said it that
disturbed her. In Shi’s mind, Eirie was the one who mattered. He didn’t mention
that he wanted to protect Eirie because it would hurt him if something happened
to his little brother, only that he loved him and it was his responsibility.
She had only met a child Shi’s age who would phrase things without a single
trace of normal ego once before, a little boy named Sean. His mother, who had
been addicted to heroin, had been frequently selling her seven year old to men
for a quick fix. Harris had thought that she could help Sean get over his
demons. She had had two weeks of sessions with him, right before he slit his
arms from elbow to wrist and bled out in the child service’s bathroom. That she
was seeing even a glimmer of that sad, hopeless boy in Shi was beyond
disturbing.
    “And was he hurt? Your brother?” she asked after taking a couple of deep
breaths to calm herself.
    “I… I remember…” Shi said airily, like he was caught in the memories he was
telling her about, “I remember seeing Eirie. I was running down the hill, so
far away from him, but I saw him. That boy… the one I killed, a couple others,
had him up against a tree. I wasn’t sure what they were doing… but I saw the
lighter. That boy had it and he was holding it so close to Eirie… I saw the
flame and I could hear Eirie screaming… I was so far away, but I could still
hear him,” a few tears escaped Shi’s iron control and dripped down his cheeks,
“then… then everything went black, like I fell asleep and the next thing I
knew, I was hitting that guy, only he wasn’t alive anymore. All these people
were around us and I was covered in blood…”
    Shi bent his head almost until it reached his lap, his painfully arched
back shaking as his golden hair fell like a waterfall, obscuring his face from
Harris’ eyes.
    “I don’t know,” he sobbed, “I don’t remember what I did!” he was almost
screaming now and Harris nearly jumped to sit on the edge of the bed with him,
wrapping her arm around his shaking shoulders.
    “Shi, it’s alright,” she tried to soothe him, her mind already painting the
things that Shi couldn’t remember.
    “How can you say that?” Shi sniffed, “I don’t remember. I know I killed
him, but I can’t remember why! How can anything be alright? I didn’t mean to
kill him… but I did! What if I do the same thing to Eirie?!”
    “I don’t think you will,” the doctor’s voice was comforting and Shi finally
looked up at her, his hand coming up to wipe at his watery eyes.
    “But how do you know?” he demanded in desperation, ready to cling to any
reason to believe he wasn’t the sort of monster he thought he was, that he
wouldn’t hurt the ones he loved.
    After all, hadn’t that been what Dr. Harris had said? That you could hurt
the people you loved?
    “Shi, I think I know the reason why you attacked that boy so viciously,”
Harris said.
    The conviction in the woman’s voice gained Shi’s full attention and for the
first time since she had walked into the room, Shi looked at her in hope. It
made her want to do everything she could to make sure that this didn’t end
badly for him.
    “You just told me that you would do anything to protect your brother,” she
reminded him, “And when you saw that flame, you knew that he could die. I think
you did what you did to protect him. You didn’t stop until that boy was dead
because, in your mind, he was still a threat. If this wasn’t true, you would
have attacked those other boys as well. If you had just wanted to fight
someone, it could have been any of them, but you focused on that one boy,
because he was the one with the lighter. Even after he was dead, he was the
only one you hurt. There’s a reason for that,” she gave him a kind smile, “I
believe you when you say you love your brother. But sometimes, that love can be
a curse. Love can make us be kind, but it can also make us do ugly things to
protect the ones we love. This isn’t your fault, you hadn’t meant to fly off
like that, but I don’t think you had control over yourself at that moment.”
    “But if I didn’t have control, how can I stop it from happening again?” Shi
asked.
    “You only acted that way because your brother was in lethal danger. I
think, if the situation arouse again, you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself
again. But I must also remind you that such a situation is rare. I don’t think
you’ll ever do this again, unless you feel that the ones you love are in a
danger like that,” she told him, “And it might be possible to control this
aggression you’ve displayed if we can find out why you feel so overprotective
of your brother.”
    Shi seemed to completely brighten at all of this. He felt something immense
release his heart.
    “I won’t hurt Eirie, then?” he asked, “And… I might be able to stop it?”
    Harris nodded.
    “With more talks like these, I think we might be able to manage that,” she
said.
    Shi finally managed to smile at her and continued to wipe at his tears,
feeling comfortable enough to also feel embarrassed at her seeing him cry. He
wouldn’t hurt Eirie… that was all he wanted to hear. And… he had protected him,
that was what the doctor had said… so that wasn’t evil, was it?
    “Feeling better now?” Harris asked softly, realizing the relief that Shi
was feeling.
    He nodded happily.
    “I’ll get your parents then, they’ll be happy to see you,” she said,
standing and starting to make her way towards the door.
    “They… they want to see me?” Shi asked in a small voice.
    Harris stopped walking and looked back at him in shock. Her expression
turned sad.
    “Of course they want to see you. Did you think they wouldn’t?” she asked,
feeling her heart clench.
    “I thought… I thought they’d be mad at me… that they wouldn’t ever want to
see me again,” Shi muttered.
    “Your mother has been very worried about you,” she assured him, “All she
wants is to know that you’re all right, and your father has been demanding to
see you ever since you were brought in.”
    Shi’s smile found its way back and Harris left him like that, hoping that
he would be smiling again once she brought his parents to him. Even though he
was smiling, she still felt a tightness around her heart. There was more,
something that had happened to awaken this rage in Shi that had nothing to do
with a school boy with a lighter, something deeper and darker that she had yet
to discover. And then there was the issue of what was going to happen to him…
she had all she needed to back up her recommendation for the police when they
showed up, but would it be enough?
　
End Part 5
***** Part 6 *****
Chapter Summary
     Shi's parents are finally allowed to see him. Can they look past what
     he did? And what will happen to Shi now?
Poisoned Memories
Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows
Part 6
　
    Anjaleque felt like she was going insane. She had always been a quiet,
patient person, but sitting in the hospital waiting room, with nothing to do
but wait for news on her eldest son, she felt anxious and unhinged. The last
time she had been here had been the day that Eirie had been born. Though both
her sons were normal, active boys, she had been blessed with a lack of much
more than skinned knees. The very worst had been that one time when Shi had
fallen out of the tree, but nothing like that had happened since. Ever since
that incident, Shi had been careful, and with his big brother around, Eirie
kept himself out of situations where he might hurt himself. It had been hard
enough sitting in this hard chair with the smell of sterile chemicals and poor,
hospital coffee, knowing that her child was hurt, but this was different and
strange to her.
    This was different and strange to her, the concept that she was sitting
here in the hospital, but what was broken with her son had nothing to do with
bones, there was no wound that she could put a bandage on and could see was
healing. When she had gotten the notice from her boss that she needed to go to
the hospital, she had assumed the worst. But, in a way, what she had been told
by the one of the doctors was worse than what she had been expecting. It had
been a relief to hear that Shi wasn’t hurt, and terrible to hear about what he
had done. Did the fact that she was only worried about her son’s health, that
she could only think that she wanted to take Shi home, that she felt so
overprotective of him, instead of feeling shame and horror that he had killed
someone make her a bad person? She clenched her shirt in her hands. She just
wanted to see Shi, she needed to see with her own eyes that he was ok.
    But even if he was physically ok, what was he thinking and feeling right
now? She kept remembering how heartbroken Shi had been over hitting that boy,
and now that same boy was dead at Shi’s hand. Having to wait for someone to
tell her that she could see Shi was nerve racking. And when that same doctor
told her that the reason why she couldn’t see him was that their was going to
be a criminal investigation, she had almost slapped him and demanded to see her
son. It was only a sliver of rationality that told her that if she did that, it
would only make it harder for her to see Shi that had kept her from going off
the deep end. She wanted to know what had happened, not from some official or
cold doctor who hadn’t even been there.
    Shi couldn’t have done that. She didn’t care what anyone said, until Shi
said so, it hadn’t happened. Of course, she knew that it was probably the
truth. Shi had killed someone. But it still didn’t feel real to her. Yes, Shi
was different lately. Ever since Vel had mentioned that, she had started to see
it, too. But she still couldn’t understand what could have driven a ten year
old boy to kill. Even if it had been an accident, she could never see her son
as a murderer. Eirie, who sitting between her and his father, hadn’t helped to
clarify things much, though she hadn’t expected him to. She didn’t even think
Eirie understood what Shi had done, because when she had asked him about it, he
had only said that Shi had ‘made the mean boys stop’.
    She wanted to believe that it had just been an accident, that Shi had just
been trying to save his brother and things had gotten out of control, but his
actions, that blind rage, scared her. She wasn’t scared of him, though, she
knew that Shi would never hurt them, but she was scared at the source of the
rage, what could have happened to him to make him that way, and what it would
do to him if he didn’t release it. Two men in police uniforms walked into the
waiting room and Anjaleque and Jonathan stared at him. When one of the cops
nodded to Anjaleque, she gritted her teeth and looked away. She hated them
almost as much as she had hated her father before they had made up. She knew
why they were here. They wanted to take her baby away from her, to lock him up
and treat him like a criminal. The mother in her wanted to take Shi from all of
this, but she knew that she couldn’t do that.
    She should want to do the right thing, but was that exactly? Was it doing
what the law said, which was to punish her son, or should she protect him, like
she always had? She almost jumped as she felt a hand on hers. She looked over
at Jonathan, who had reached over Eirie to squeeze her hand.
    “It will be ok,” he promised.
    “How can this be ok?” she demanded, “How will this ever be ok?”
    “Because I know Shi, and so do you. I have to believe that he isn’t the
kind of person who just… kill someone simply because he was angry or vengeful.
I know it looks bad. Shi’s had an altercation with this boy before, but I have
to believe in our son,” Jonathan said, his voice both passionate and soothing
to Anjaleque’s nerves.
    They were such simple words, but they made her feel better. She knew that
he was right, that they should believe in Shi, that they should stay by him, no
matter what. They were family, they were all that Shi had, so they should do
anything they could to protect him.
    “Do you want any coffee?” Jonathan asked her in a soft tone.
    It was too late in the day for either of them to be drinking caffeine, but
Anjaleque felt like she had been running all day long and was exhausted. But,
she also felt sick to her stomach and was sure that, if she did drink the
hospital coffee, she would vomit.
    “No, I-,” she started, but the door leading to the hospital opened,
silencing her.
    A woman with short brown hair approached them with a smile that was
disarming to both parents. It was the same woman that had gone through that
door a half an hour ago, after introducing herself and telling them that she
was here to hear Shi’s side of events. It was a relief to see her again, but it
also made Anjaleque’s stomach clench. Both parents rose to meet her and shake
her hand. Anjaleque noticed that the police were also approaching the doctor,
but suddenly didn’t care.
    “Did you talk to Shi?” she demanded.
    Dr. Harris nodded.
    “Before I say anything else, I know what it’s like for parents in your
situation and I know how worried you are for your son. Physically, he’s fine.
It doesn’t appear as though the other boy hurt him, he just has some cuts and
bruises, but nothing serious at all,” she informed them.
    Anjaleque sighed in relief. She hadn’t even realized that she had been
worried about that. The male doctor that had spoken to them when they had first
arrived, she couldn’t remember his name, had said the same thing, and she
hadn’t realized that she hadn’t believed him. But hearing the same thing from a
second person had made her believe that Shi was ok. But the way she had said it
made Anjaleque realize that it wasn’t Shi’s body that these people were worried
about.
    “And emotionally?” Jonathan voiced Anjaleque’s concerns, his voice filled
with worry for his child.
    Harris’ demeanor seemed to turn somber as she looked around the waiting
room.
    “I think we should talk about that privately,” she said, “We can speak on
the way to Shi’s room.”
    “We can see him?” Anjaleque asked excitedly.
    Harris smiled at her.
    “Of course. He wants to see you very badly,” she informed the parents.
    “Thank you for your help,” Jonathan said sincerely, taking Eirie’s hand as
he hopped off his seat, bored with his surroundings, but understanding that
they were going to go see his brother.
    Jonathan was proud and grateful that Eirie was being so quiet and well-
behaved. His stomach was in his throat and he didn’t feel equipped to deal with
a hyper child at this point. He was scared that what Eirie had seen might
damage him, that he might feel some fear for his brother, but Eirie didn’t seem
to understand that Shi had just killed someone and had only asked why they
couldn’t see his brother. If Eirie had been scarred by his brother’s violence,
he didn’t act like it, and yet he was quieter than usual, like something was
weighing on the child. He wanted to find out what it was, why Eirie acted like
he always did one minute, then brooded the next, but he found that he could
only focus on one child at a time right now. Anjaleque noticed that the two
cops were following them as they walked down the hallway, but walking far away
enough that the doctor could talk to them without the two men hearing, so she
didn’t say anything about it.
    “Can you tell us what happened?” Jonathan asked the therapist, “No one will
tell us much.”
    “Shi wasn’t able to tell me much, either,” Harris confessed, “I don’t think
we’ll be able to piece it together completely, but Shi does remember that that
boy and some of his friends assaulted his little brother,” she told them,
glancing down at Eirie, who was quietly listening to everything.
    “He tried to light my hair on fire,” the little redhead said with a little
nod, “He said mean things about Shi, too, but Shi made him stop.”
    Harris smiled down at him. The violet eyed five year old was utterly
adorable, he spoke with the same kind of pride of his big brother that little
siblings often did. Here were two boys that loved each other as much as any
brothers could love each other, and that love was a big part of why Shi had
gone off the deep end. The older boy was just so desperate to be a good big
brother, he was losing himself in it. He put Eirie first and ignored his own
needs.     As wonderful as that brotherly love sounded, it was quite dark
considering how hooked on it Shi was, like that love was a drug to him and all
that mattered was keeping Eirie safe, keeping that bond safe. Where were Shi’s
needs and desires in all of that? Their love for each other was good, it was
great, but something had happened to Shi, something that had made it necessary
for him to become obsessed with his family and turn it into something twisted.
It had forced him to put aside his morals, desires, and even his consciousness
just to protect his brother.
    “Oh, sweetheart,” Anjaleque said in distraught, stopping her pace to get on
her knees and sweep her young son into her arms, “You must have been so
scared…”
    Suddenly, she was glad that that boy was dead, for trying to hurt her son.
It was an ugly thought and she immediately pushed it aside, but her shock over
Eirie’s words didn’t leave her. If Shi had killed that boy for that reason… how
could she ever punish him for it? He had probably saved Eirie’s life. It made
sense to her now, why her older son would do something like this. It was still
a frightening thought, but she could understand it at least. Shi had a
overprotective streak for his brother over a mile wide.
    “Have those boys ever hurt you before?” Jonathan asked the five year old.
    Eirie shook his head and Anjaleque breathed a sigh of relief, letting him
go after checking his hair. There, at the very ends of the red locks, were
dead, burned strands, clear evidence at what the boy had tried to do. How close
her child had been to being severely hurt made rage well inside of her. She had
the sudden, intense need to see Shi, to see him with her own eyes and judge for
herself that he was unharmed. She took Eirie’s hand again and they continued to
walk, the two parents burying their feelings of anger and protectiveness inside
of themselves.
    “I think that Shi did what he did to protect his little brother,” Dr.
Harris said, “It isn’t quite as clear cut as it sounds, but I think that that
was a very big part of Shi’s actions. We can only go on what he remembers, but
his memories are incomplete, so it’s hard.”
    “You mentioned that before,” Jonathan mentioned, “What do you mean that Shi
can’t remember?”
    They had arrived at Shi’s room, but Harris stopped just outside the door
and looked at the boy’s parents. She wasn’t sure how they would handle this,
but she didn’t believe in hiding things from them. She would have to tell the
police this anyway.
    “Shi told me that he only remembers seeing what the boys were doing to his
brother and what had happened right after he had killed the boy. He doesn’t
remember anything in the middle. If he were lying, he would say that he doesn’t
remember everything at all. He has already admitted that he knows that he
killed that boy, but he also shows a great deal of guilt, even though he can’t
remember exactly what happened,” she explained.
    “You really think the kid isn’t lying?” one of the cops asked from behind
them.
    Anjaleque had almost forgot that they were even there and felt gratified
when the therapist narrowed his eyes at him, looking as annoyed by their
presence as Anjaleque was.
    “With all respect, officer, I’ve been doing my job for almost twenty years,
and I’m quite good at it,” she said testily, not liking being doubted by the
people who would, ultimately, decide Shi’s fate, “I’ve met with all kinds of
children and I’ve learned the difference between those that are lying and those
that are not many years ago.”
    “But why can’t he remember?” Anjaleque asked in concern, “Are you sure that
that boy didn’t hit him in the head?”
    “No, nothing like that,” Harris said while thinking that it would have been
easier for Shi if he had been hit on the head and just had amnesia, “Shi is
normally overprotective of his little brother, isn’t he?”
    Both Jonathan and Anjaleque nodded, Jonathan looking down at his younger
son with a small smile.
    “Does Shi often become violent when Eirie is concerned?” Harris asked.
    “There was one incident a year ago,” Jonathan said, “That boy that died
today… Shi punched him. But that was it. He stopped with that first hit and
he’s never done anything since then, or before then.”
    “I thought so,” Harris said with a nod, “I would be surprised if Shi has
been constantly aggressive his entire life.”
    “But how?” Anjaleque urged, “How can you possibly know that?”
    “I’ve met a lot of children at this job, Mrs. Matthews,” Harris told her,
“All kinds, really, all troubled in some way, leading to a violent or
destructive act. Some are depressed, some are sociopathic, some need more
attention, some have high aggression and anger, and some have been abused.
There are hundreds of reasons for a child to act out in the way that Shi has.
It doesn’t mean it is anyone’s fault, but there is a reason. However, even
though there are hundreds of reasons, I’ve come to find that there is only one
thing that separates these kids apart from each other. It’s how they react to
what they did.”
    “How they react?” Anjaleque repeated, “Are you saying that you can decide
my child’s fate just on his reaction to his actions?”
    Harris nodded at her.
    “I know it sounds a bit cruel, to decide something huge like this on
something that seems to small, but a child’s reaction to his or her actions is
vastly more important that their reasons for it. Those little things that you
understand about Shi, that you know about him, that might have made him attack
that boy so severely are also very important, but they aren’t important towards
what will decide what will happen to him, legally. They are important to what
will happen to him mentally. If we can find out why he did this, it will help
us help him,” she said.
    “Then, you think that there really is something wrong with him,” Jonathan
guessed, “That he didn’t just do this because… because he wanted to hurt that
boy for the sake of it. You think that you can help him, prevent him from doing
this again.”
    “Yes,” Harris agreed
    “Shi’s changed,” Anjaleque said in a voice so small, it was almost a
whisper, “When he was younger, he was so happy. He was bright and hyper, he
smiled all the time. He didn’t have many friends, but he was kind. He loved
spending time with us and he was always so patient. Lately… it’s like he’s
avoiding us. He hangs out with his best friend and Eirie all the time, but he
doesn’t talk to the two of us anymore. He seems anxious all the time, like he’s
waiting for something to fall on his head. He doesn’t smile so much anymore.
There’s something wrong, but he won’t say. He gets these stomachaches and
headaches all the time and I don’t think he’s sleeping.”
    “It must be quite hard for the both of you,” the doctor said with a sad
smile, “To realize that your child has changed so much, so suddenly.”
    Both parents nodded at this.
    “We can’t force children to tell us what is happening in their lives,”
Harris mused, “I won’t ever tell a parent that they should talk to their
children more, because that’s too simplistic. Children tell us what they want
us to know, keeping all those dark, mature things bottled up inside, because
children, on some level, understand that their parents want them to stay young
forever. It’s what every parent wants to believe, that their child will be
innocent and happy for the rest of their lives. But that never happens. There
are many possibilities why Shi is so hesitant to talk about his problems. Maybe
he’s embarrassed. Maybe he thinks you will be mad at him or punish him. Or,
worst of all, he may feel that whatever secret he has will make you stop loving
him. Depending on the secret, just keeping it bottled up inside may be the
cause of his lashing out like that. I believe that it has a great deal to do
with the protectiveness he feels for his little brother, and this secret of
his. If I can find out the reason, then I can help him. But please understand
me. No matter what the reason for his actions is, no matter what he confesses
or how much I work with him, I cannot bring Shi back to how he once was, when
he was younger. People are not like computers, you can’t restore them. There is
no magic button to press for something like that.”
    “I don’t want the old Shi back!” Anjaleque said with tears in her eyes, “I
just want him to be happy again!”
    “Please, Doctor Harris, just tell us what you think is wrong with my son,”
Jonathan begged, “Just… give us something to hope for. When they hear about
what happened, everyone in this town will call Shi a monster, and I know that
just isn’t true. It doesn’t matter to me what those people say, but it will
matter to Shi. Can you really help him? Can you make him understand that what
people will say about him are just foolish lies?”
    Jonathan Matthews didn’t strike Harris as a cold man, but rather one with a
lot of self-respect and inner strength. Her brother had been in the military,
so she easily saw the signs in the man before her, the upright posture, the
surety in his actions, and the way he looked at people, without any hesitance
to meet their eyes. So, hearing his words and seeing his utter vulnerability
towards his children humbled her. If there was abuse coming from Shi’s family,
it was not with his parents.
    “Shi is a good boy,” the doctor said affectionately, “He’s very intelligent
for his age, but he’s still a child. He understands things very well, but at
the same time, he has a very black and white view of his personal world, based
on what he has been taught and seen. He can be sympathetic and adaptive to
other people, but not towards himself. I see a lot of this kind of behavior in
traumatized children.”
    Anjaleque practically bristled at that comment.
    “Shi isn’t traumatized… he’s never gone through something like that! He’s
just a normal ten year old boy,” she protested, fully aware that she was trying
to convincer herself and not the therapist, her heart racing at the mere
mention of her son and trauma in the same sentence, “What does that even mean?
That he can’t feel sympathy and adaptation towards himself?”
    Harris almost pointed out to the mother that she didn’t spend every waking
moment with Shi, so it was impossible for her to know if a classmate or
neighbor had done something to her son, but knew that Anjaleque was aware of
that, and to blatantly point it out seemed cruel.
    “Your son and I talked quite a bit about right and wrong. As I said, a
child’s reaction to their actions is mostly more important than their reasons.
When a child doesn’t even see their actions as wrong, or they appear happy or
excited by them, that is a clear marker to me that they will most likely act
out again, perhaps even on purpose. A big indication of those kinds of
personality is how a child reacts the concepts of what is right and what is
wrong and how they define their actions in those parameters. When we first
started talking, Shi had a very black and white interpretation of what should
happen to people who do something wrong, they should be punished. When we
talked about several scenarios involving crime, he was able to understand that
some people shouldn’t be punished as severely as others. That’s very normal,
even for a child Shi’s age.
    “However, and this is what concerns me the most, when faced with his own
actions, Shi still saw his punishment, his violence, in that original black and
white context. He expressed an extreme guilt for killing that boy. He confessed
that he had hated him, but that he hadn’t meant to kill him, and that he should
be sent to jail for what he did. He acknowledged that people who do bad things
to protect a loved one shouldn’t be punished like murderers, but when he
confessed that he just wanted to protect his brother, he still believed he
should be punished severely. He called himself a murderer. Because of your
son’s unwavering guilt about his actions, I’ve determined that Shi didn’t kill
that boy on purpose and that he isn’t likely to do it again. Something happened
today inside of Shi, something that is only partially due to his urge to
protect his brother. I think that your son experienced a minor psychotic break.
That would have caused the extreme violence, memory loss, and how he could have
done something like this while maintaining all that guilt.”
    A sob almost exploded from Anjaleque, but she managed to hold it in by
gritting her teeth together, though she couldn’t stop a few tears from falling
down her pale cheeks. What was so minor about a psychotic break?! How could
anyone just stand there and tell her that herten-year-old was mentally ill with
such a calm expression?!
    “I don’t understand this!” she cried, “He’s just a baby! How could he have
had a psychotic break?! We’re good parents, aren’t we? Shi shouldn’t have
anything so bad in his life that… that he would lash out like that and just
forget the whole thing!”
    “Anna,” Jonathan murmured, putting a hand on her shoulder, trying to
comfort her, though his own heart felt like it was tearing in two.
    Eirie was alarmed at the sight of his mother’s tears, which was very rare,
and at the way her voice sounded. He had no idea why his parents were so upset
or what was going on, but he understood that it was something bad. It had to be
to make his mommy cry. He tugged at her pant leg and reached up to grasp her
hand.
    “It’s ok, Mommy,” he said once she looked down at him, “Don’t cry.”
    Anjaleque smiled at him and leaned down to kiss his head. She still had
tears in her eyes, but her younger son’s attempts at comfort made her feel
better. Sometimes, children could give you perspective in a way that adults
never could. Eirie was so young, he couldn’t possibly understand any of this,
but she could tell that he was worried about his brother, too. Seeing him
trying to comfort her, it reminded her of Shi. He was so mature sometimes. When
she cried, he would hold her hand like her husband often did when she was sad.
Shi and Jonathan were so alike. They had that same understanding of what was
important. Shi had always gone out of his way to not just look out for his
brother, but also for his parents. That hadn’t changed. Even though Shi had
changed, that part of his personality hadn’t. And now, he needed them. Did she
really have the luxury for tears when he probably didn’t even understand what
had happened to him.
    “Are you saying that our son has post traumatic stress disorder?” Jonathan
asked, speaking in a way that Harris understood that he knew a lot about the
disorder and she once again wondered if the man had been in the military or had
known someone who had been.
    “It’s too early for me to give Shi that kind of a label,” Harris cautioned,
“But I do think that something happened to him, something terrible enough to
make him change so severely. I think that he was too embarrassed or scared to
tell you and he bottled it up inside. Hiding that secret just made him angrier
and angrier until he snapped and did this. When he attacked that boy, I don’t
think he was even conscious in the way that we think of consciousness. It was
more like going on autopilot. His rage literally took him over and all he could
think was that that boy was a danger to his brother, so he had to eliminate
that danger. It wasn’t until the boy was dead that he came back to himself.”
    “Is that your professional opinion?” the other cop asked, his tone serious
without a hint of mocking.
    “Yes,” Harris said stiffly, “I have my report here,” she handed the cop her
clipboard and he studied it intensely, “And I will say this, it is also my
professional opinion and recommendation that Shi be allowed to go home with his
family. No one will benefit from him being charged with anything. I feel for
the dead boy’s parents, but it is my job to help the living, not bring justice
to the dead. Punishment will only hurt Shi and set him back.”
    Hope blossomed in both of the parents as the cop who had just spoken nodded
to the therapist and wrote something down in the pad he carried. All they
wanted was to take Shi home and for the cops to leave them alone. If Doctor
Harris helped them do that, they would be forever in her debt.
    “Now,” the doctor said to the parents with a bright smile, “How about we
see your son?”
　
*****
    He could hear them talking outside his room, the therapist and his parents.
At first, he could only hear Doctor Harris, her voice low and quiet, calm and
almost pleasant. Then, he heard his mother’s. At first, it filled him with joy,
just to hear her familiar voice, and he had wanted to jump up and run out the
door, to hug her tightly and tell her how much he loved her, how much he wanted
to go home, how sorry he was. But she sounded so sad, and so angry. She was
yelling. She hated him. His father probably hated him, too. And Eirie. He
pulled up his long legs and wrapped his arms around them, crushing his knees to
his chest. How could they not hate him, after what he had done?
    He didn’t even know that kid’s name. He had to be the worst sort of person
if he didn’t even know the name of the kid he had killed. That seemed important
to him, that he know that boy’s identity, but it would probably just make
things more painful. But he didn’t deserve to be spared the pain and
consequences of what he had done. He had done something evil, he had no right
to hope that things would turn out ok, but he wanted to believe in that. He
wanted to believe that his family still loved him, despite what he had done.
Maybe this was why his grandfather had raped him. Maybe he knew that he was
evil and bad and had decided to punish him for it. But why had Cree seen all
that in him while his parents hadn’t? He buried his face in his knees. He
didn’t want to be hated. He didn’t want to be evil, either. He just wanted to
wake up and find that this was all a nightmare.
    The door opened and Doctor Harris walked in. Shi’s heart dropped to his
stomach as he saw two cops enter behind her, looking like impenetrable soldiers
in their uniforms. Doctor Harris turned to them and for a terrifying moment,
Shi was very sure that the doctor had lied to him about seeing his parents and
she would scream “Arrest him!”
    “Please wait outside,” she ordered them instead, “Give them some privacy.”
    To Shi’s amazement, the policemen actually listened to her and left the
room. His thoughts stilled completely as his father walked in, holding Eirie’s
hand, and his mother followed. His mother stood in the doorway, looking at him,
and seemed just as frozen as he was. He was sure that she would start yelling
at him at any moment, but she just continued to stand there, looking pale and
shaken. He had done that to her. Guilt filled him and he hated himself. He felt
more guilty about hurting his mother than he did about killing that boy. Did
that make him bad? Was that an evil thought? Suddenly, one moment his mother
was just standing there and the next she was kneeling in front of him, sweeping
him up in her arms.
    “Oh, god, you’re ok,” she sobbed and Shi could feel her tears wetting his
shirt, “Thank god…”
    Her voice was so tight, Shi thought that it might snap at any moment. She
was crying, but she wasn’t screaming at him. She was happy that he was safe.
She didn’t hate him… She was holding him so tightly, her grip was hurting his
ribs, but he didn’t care. He liked this pain. It wasn’t bad. It meant that his
mommy still loved him. She wouldn’t hold him like this if she hated him.
    “Mom,” he gasped out, wrapping his arms around her neck and hugging her as
tightly as she was hugging him.
    He realized that he was crying like her, too, but wasn’t embarrassed. He
was just too happy to see her. She wouldn’t let them take him away, right? He
wanted to believe in that so badly, he wanted to believe in her. From his spot
near the door, Jonathan smiled at his wife and older son. Shi didn’t look hurt.
His arms were bandaged, but he didn’t seem to have any trouble moving them. He
felt something settle inside of him, just being able to see his child.
    “I’m sorry,” Shi cried in his mother’s arms, “I didn’t mean to hurt him, I
really didn’t! I’m so sorry!”
    “Sssh,” Anjaleque soothed, “I know you didn’t do it on purpose. I know
you’re sorry. I don’t blame you. You’re my son and I love you. No matter what
happens, your father and I will always love you! Never doubt that… we’ll sort
this out. Don’t worry about anything. We’ll make it better, I promise.”
    Her words made Shi cry harder, striking at his vulnerable heart. He had
doubted her, but she had never doubted him. She really did love him, didn’t
she? The bands around his heart loosened, letting forth a river of sorrow and
relief. He couldn’t stop crying. As long as his parents loved him, he could
survive anything. Even Cree. Even his own rage. His mother let go of him,
cupping his cheeks and wiping away his tears.
    “Baby, don’t cry,” she said in kind softness, “It’s ok. Your daddy and I
aren’t mad at you.”
    From across the room, Eirie tugged at his father’s pants.
    “Why are Shi and Mommy crying?” he asked.
    “They’re just happy, that’s all,” Jonathan replied.
    Eirie still looked confused about how they could cry so hard, but still be
so happy, but accepted his father’s answer.
    “But why?” Shi sobbed, “I’m a bad person, I did something evil. You should
hate me… I deserve to go to jail…”
    Jonathan strode over to the bed and knelt down next to Anjaleque, taking
one of Shi’s hands in his larger ones.
    “We do not hate you, Shi,” he said with conviction, “Your mother is right.
We love you. That is more powerful than anything wrong you could do. We will
never stop loving you. What you did was wrong, but that doesn’t make you a bad
person. You don’t deserve to go to jail, you deserve help. We won’t let them
punish you when you couldn’t even stop yourself from doing this. Do you
understand, Shi? You aren’t evil.”
    He ruffled his son’s hair and Shi gave him a small, relieved smile. He was
forgiven? He wasn’t evil? There was something in the darkness of his heart that
told him that it couldn’t be true, that they had to be furious at him. He
wasn’t worthy of their forgiveness. But this was his father and he would always
believe everything that he told him. What did his stupid heart know, anyway? He
would rather listen to his father, who was always right, always strong, always
good than the doubt in inside of him. It made him feel better. He was just so
tired of feeling sick inside, was it so wrong to let someone else tell him it
was ok? Harris was watching all of this with a gratified smile, but Shi
realized that he didn’t care what she thought about his relationship with his
family. He was just glad that all of his fears had turned out to be wrong.
    “Eirie, come over here,” Anjaleque said gently.
    The little redhead walked slowly to the bed, looking hesitant and anxious,
as much as a young child could. As soon as his spirit had relaxed, it plummeted
again. His parents hadn’t been there, they hadn’t seen what he had done, but
Eirie had. He was probably terrified of him. He was Eirie’s big brother. He was
supposed to protect him from things like he had just done. In a way, he had
failed him. He had destroyed the bond that he had always cherished. But Eirie
was safe. That made it all worth it.
    “Eirie… I’m sorry. I never wanted you to see that,” Shi said mournfully, “I
never should have done what I did-,”
    “You pushed me!” Eirie yelled, his eyes squeezed shut, “Why did you shove
me so hard?!”
    Shi stared at him in astonishment. He was upset about that?! Eirie wasn’t
scared of him because of his violence, he was just pissed that he had shoved
him away? He almost laughed at the oddness of all this. He felt like he was
forever wafting back and forth from sorrow to relief, realizing that the only
one who hated him for what he had done was himself. He reached out his hand to
his little brother.
    “I’m sorry, Eir’,” Shi said earnestly, “I was just worried that you might
be hurt… that I might hurt you. I never meant to push you that hard. Can you
forgive me?”
    Eirie sniffed, but took his big brother’s hand, like he so often did,
almost without thought.
    “But you would never hurt me! I know you wouldn’t hurt me. You made them
stop. They were so mean, but you made them stop,” Eirie spoke so simply, like
he was telling his brother that the sky was blue or apples were fruit, things
that Shi ought to know, and if he didn’t, he was just being silly.
    Shi almost started to cry again. Eirie believed that he wouldn’t hurt him,
so why couldn’t he believe it, too? He picked his little brother up and hugged
him.
    “Thank you, Eir’,” he murmured against the little boy’s silken hair.
    “Why?” Eirie asked in confusion even as he hugged Shi back.
    “For being such a great little brother,” the tall blonde responded, closing
his eyes in bliss.
    His family loved him. Eirie beamed, his head on Shi’s shoulder, at the
praise coming from his big brother.
    “You can’t go in there!” they all became tense and Shi opened his eyes in
anxiousness as they heard someone yelling in the hallway.
    Jonathan quickly recognized the voice as one of the policemen and stood,
ready to face anything. The door swung open again and an average looking man
with a thin beard and a woman wearing a brown dress strode through, looking
like warriors just looking for a battlefield. They were breathing hard, their
eyes darting around wildly. That alone set Jonathan’s hair on end. He didn’t
recognize any of them.
    “See?!” the woman furiously pointed at Shi, who shrinked from her mere
presence, “You don’t care about this at all!”
    The woman whirled and screeched at the two policemen who ran into the room
after the couple.
    “You’re on their side!” she ranted.
    “Who the hell are you?” Jonathan demanded.
    The man glared at him with such rage that it caused Anjaleque to gather her
two children closer to her, trying to protect them with only her body between
them and the two strangers.
    “Who am I?” the man laughed, but it didn’t sound like laughter to the two
parents, more like a snarl, “I’ll tell you who you are! You’re the parents of
that… that thing!”
    His wild eyes fell on Shi, who felt that he should stare back in defiance,
but buried his head into his mother’s side in fear. He didn’t like the way that
these two people were looking at him, like rabid dogs would look at a small cat
that had wandered by, ready to tear it apart for no other reason than it would
make them feel good.
    “You’re the parents of the monster that killed my son!” the woman raged,
turning to the policemen once again, who looked as though they had no idea what
they should do, “Well, aren’t you going to arrest him?! Jail is too good for
that little bastard! He should be beaten to a pulp, just like he did to my
child! His blood and brains should be all over the floor! Even that would be
too good for him!”
    The woman looked as though she might stride over to Shi and do what she
said should happen to him. Anjaleque glared at her in warning, her gaze just as
furious as the other mother’s, looking like a bear with her cubs. Jonathan
stood in front of them, shielding his children from the two angry parents and
ready to defend his kids, if he had to. The cops took the same stance, standing
in front of the intruders, trying to keep the peace.
    “I want justice, arrest him!” the woman continued to shriek.
    “I understand your sorrow and I’m sorry for your loss,” one of the cops
said, “But this is no way to seek justice. Your son is dead. Go and mourn him.
Leave this to us.”
    “I won’t leave until I see that little shit in chains, or his head bashed
in!” the woman hissed in pure hatred, “Do you understand?!” she shouted at Shi,
“You’re going to hell! Locked up for the rest of your life!”
    She seemed to smile like a crocodile to Shi and he shivered. It was the
same way that his grandfather would smile at him, the quirk of the lips that
suggested a great power and control over him, a superiority that Shi could
never hope to rebel against, but with flat, unfeeling, cruel eyes that made him
feel like his guts were being turned inside out. That stare terrified him. His
fingers dug into his mother’s shirt. He was old enough to know that mothers
weren’t the immortal beings that little kids thought they were, but through
everything his grandfather had put him through, there was still a childish part
of himself that believed his mother could protect him. He wanted to believe
that, had his mother been there that day, she would have stopped her father
from raping him. He wanted to believe that she loved him more than Cree, even
if it proved false, he wanted to escape from reality with the love his mother
was offering him in this moment.
    “Please calm down,” the other cop said sharply, sounding irritated with the
woman’s constant verbal abuse, “Your son is dead. It’s a terrible thing, but
attacking this boy isn’t going to change that fact. Two wrongs don’t make a
right. You may want him to go to jail, but that isn’t your call. Nor is it the
call of the Matthews, it is ours. I have here,” he waved the clipboard Harris
had given him, “the report from our appointed therapist.”
    “You’ve already made your decision?” Jonathan asked, forgetting about the
other parents for the moment.
    The cop nodded to him and Shi noticed that the man looked at his father
with respect, though he couldn’t figure out why. His father was tall, but he
had a very calm and patient personality that kept him from being bold or
impressive.
    “We take Dr. Harris’ recommendations very seriously in these cases,” the
cop told him, “Her recommendation is that Shi receive weekly therapy, including
progress reports, instead of being arrested. In lieu of the evidence that Dr.
Harris has collected, we’ve decided to do as she’s suggested.”
    Relief swept over Anjaleque like a warm wave and she started to cry again,
gripping Shi closer to her and crying against his soft hair. Shi couldn’t
believe it. He couldn’t decide if he was daydreaming, had gone crazy, or was
having some wonderful dream. It was one thing that his parents didn’t want him
to go to jail, but for the cops to say that he wasn’t going to go… it made
something release inside of him. He wasn’t going to jail… he had to have
therapy, but if Dr. Harris was the one doing it, it didn’t sound so bad. He
liked Dr. Harris, especially since she was the reason why he wasn’t going to
jail. Across the room, the angry mother screeched in a mindless rage, but her
husband kept her from leaping at Shi’s family, no doubt because both cops put
their hands near their belts, ready to reach for guns, stun guns, batons, or
some other tool.
    “You bastards!” the woman sobbed, her chest heaving in her rage and sorrow,
tears streaming down her red cheeks, “You bastards!”
    The fear that Shi felt for the woman dissipated until only guilt remained.
She wasn’t like his grandfather. She wasn’t evil, she was just sad. In a way…
she was like him, so sad and full of rage, all she wanted was to lash out. But
behind the anger, was an even deeper pit of blackness that threatened to suck
all of her emotions into it until she felt nothing but tiredness and apathy. By
killing her son, he had turned her into the enraged animal he saw now. No
matter if anyone blamed him for killing that boy, he was guilty for this
woman’s grief.
    “That’s enough,” the other cop urged, approaching the parents, ready to
escort them out.
    Anjaleque was sure that they would try something else and was shocked when
the husband put an arm around his wife and started to walk out. Then, the
husband looked back at them with a hateful expression.
    “I don’t care what these pigs say,” he glared at the cops, “You’re son will
pay for this. Even if I have to do it myself. I know where you lot live,” his
cold gaze fixed on Shi and Eirie.
    Eirie didn’t understand what was happening, why the strangers were so angry
at his parents and his big brother, but a terrible fear filled him at the man’s
words, definitely understanding that he wanted to hurt his brother. He wrapped
his arms around Shi’s arm.
    “He won’t really hurt Shi, will he?” he whispered to his mother, but she
was staring at the man in shock, shaking a little.
    Before either of the cops could even open his mouth to yell at the father,
Jonathan strode over to him and slammed him into the wall, his large hands
fisted in the man’s shirt. Everyone stared in shock at the usually kind and
controlled blonde, especially his wife and children who had never even heard
him raise his voice before.
    “I’ll make myself perfectly clear,” Jonathan said, his voice wasn’t angry
like the other parents’ had been, rather, it was cold and far more terrifying
than rage, “If you so much as threaten either of my sons, if you give them a
dirty look, there will be no cops involve.I will deal with you on my own. I
know where you live, too.”
    His entire life, Shi had had this image of his father as the kindest, most
gentle and rational man on the planet. Seeing that same man turn an enraged,
self-righteous father into a pale, trembling mess with some stern words and a
little bit of physical action was kind of scary… and kind of awesome. It was
like seeing his dad turn into someone completely different, but his father was
still there, peering through that intense mask. He had that childish thought of
‘that’s my dad!’ and felt an extreme pride and love for him. Because that man
had threatened him… his father had done something this extreme. He felt
protected. He felt loved. For a moment… he wanted to tell his father what Cree
had done. He wanted his father to pin his grandfather to a wall like that,
wanted to see his grandfather turn pale and tremble. His words were still stuck
in his throat, but seeing his father like that and feeling his mother’s arms
around him, even though he knew that he had brutally killed someone, for the
very first time, he had doubts about his belief that his parents would throw
him away if they knew about the rapes.
    Jonathan let go of the man’s shirt, but his cold look didn’t leave him. The
man sauntered back to his wife and let one of the cops lead them out. Shi hoped
that their pale, frightened looks meant that neither of them would try to hurt
him or his brother, but simply trusted his father to protect them.
    “I’m sorry,” the other policeman apologized to Anjaleque, “We should have
been able to stop them from harassing you.”
    He nodded at Shi and Anjaleque. This time, Anjaleque smiled back at him, no
longer feeling defensive about his presence, but she was still glad when he
left them alone after signing something on the clipboard and handing it back to
Harris. The therapist put the clipboard on a nearby table, walked over to the
bed, and knelt down, taking one of Shi’s hands in his. Anjaleque let her as she
realized that Shi trusted the woman. He would have to, if he was going to be
having sessions with her.
    “Shi, do you understand what is going to happen?” the doctor asked kindly,
but her tone was far from patronizing.
    Shi nodded.
    “I can go home with my family,” he said hopefully.
    “That’s right,” Harris confirmed, “You can go home, but your parents have
to set up some sessions with me.”
    “I just have to talk to you, right?” Shi asked.
    “Once a week,” she said with a smile, “For as long as it takes to help
you.”
    Shi bit his lip nervously. He didn’t mind talking to her. She had helped
him a lot and she didn’t treat him like a little kid, but he didn’t like the
thought of telling her about his grandfather. He couldn’t even tell his
parents. But how could she really help him if she didn’t know about that?
    “What about Thursday evenings?” Jonathan suggested, all evidence of his
previous anger gone.
    “That’s fine,” Harris said, “However, even though Shi is a minor and,
typically, that would mean either of you would have to join us, I have to
suggest that you wait in the waiting room when we talk.”
    Jonathan nodded, understanding the importance of Shi having privacy. If
either of his parents were listening in, Shi would probably think they were
spying on him and wouldn’t be as comfortable to tell personal things. Jonathan
wanted to give him his space, especially if it would help him open up. Harris
ruffled Shi’s hair and little and walked them out. She gave them her card and
shook Shi’s hand, which made him feel kind of like an adult. As they walked out
of the hospital, Jonathan held Shi’s hand. Shi felt like he was going to cry,
but for once, he was sure that was a good thing.
*****
    “You really aren’t mad at me?” Shi asked his mother as she unwrapped the
bandages around his arms to take a look at his cuts.
    They were in the kitchen, his father at the counter making his little
brother a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Eirie and Shi were both sitting at
the table, but Eirie was drawing. In the five year old’s world, nothing major
had happened today, besides his brother pushing him. Shi was glad. He didn’t
want his brother remembering all the bad things that had happened today. He
wanted him to be ignorant to all that for many, many years. Having all four of
them in one room, watching his father and brother do things that were so normal
to them, and feeling his mother’s hands on his arms, caring for him, he was
struck by a feeling of contentment. These people were his family. He had come
so close to losing them, but here they were, like they had always been. He
didn’t know if he deserved it, but something small like this made him feel so
happy and really, it didn’t feel small to him.
    “Of course not,” Anjaleque said with a small smile, “I’m worried about you,
but that’s because I love you. I’m not angry and neither is your father. We
understand that you didn’t mean to do what you did. We just want you to get
better. You saved your brother, but you didn’t have control over yourself.”
    Shi hissed and squirmed as his mother rubbed antibiotics onto his cuts. It
was such a childish thing to do, Anjaleque’s smile grew. He could act as tough
and mature as he wanted, but he would always be her baby to her and seeing him
act like a kid relieved her. His cuts didn’t look all that bad, but she had no
idea how he got them. She supposed that it didn’t really matter, and it was
kind of pointless to re-bandage his wounds after the hospital had already done
it, but it made her feel better. Jonathan handed out his sons’ lunches,
tradition peanut butter and jelly for Eirie and a peanut butter and Fluff with
bananas for Shi. His mother finished bandaging his arms again and went to start
making her own lunch. When his father took her place and hugged him tightly,
Shi was shocked, but instead of stiffening, he melted into it. His father was
holding him, just like he always did, and that was the only thing that mattered
to him. He didn’t care why. His father let go of him, only to lightly touch his
cheek. His grandfather often touched him like that, but this felt right and
special, not twisted.
    “You were scared, weren’t you?” Jonathan asked with a sad expression
reserved only for fathers worried for their children.
Tears filled Shi’s ruby eyes, but he stubbornly refused to let them fall. His
dad understood. Even if his dad had never been scared like that, he got what he
had been feeling and was actually worried about him because of it. He nodded.
    “I can’t even remember,” he whispered, “How can you do something so
horrible and not remember it? When I saw him… I was so terrified,” he voice
hitched as he remembered the broken body of the boy he had killed, “How can I
be capable of something like that?! I didn’t want to… I felt sick and scared
and all I could think about was, if I couldn’t even remember, what if I hurt
Eirie like that? That’s why I pushed him away… even if the police say I’m not
going to jail, why do I still feel like I should?”
    The sight of his older son in such emotional pain and confusion made
Jonathan almost cry, too. He gripped Shi’s thin shoulder, feeling his form
under his shirt. He felt so frail to him. He supposed that all fathers felt
that way about their children. Even their sons. But Shi wasn’t frail and he
wasn’t the child that Jonathan wanted to treat him like. Even if, emotionally,
he seemed like he would break at any moment, Shi was still staring his actions
right in the face, was examining them and trying to figure them out. A child
would ignore them, pretend that they didn’t exist, that what they had done
wasn’t bad. Even if Shi’s conclusions were wrong and kind of scary, he was
brave to acknowledge it all.
    “Shi, I know it’s scary, knowing that you’re capable of that kind of thing,
but everyone is capable of terrible things. Everyone in the entire world is
made up of bad things and good things, it’s the balance between them that
decides the kind of person we are. There are people out there that have little
bits of good in them, but the rest of them are so bad, those little bits seem
too small to us. And there are people who do things like you did, bad things,
but are still filled up with good. One or two bad actions don’t make a person
bad. You killed someone and that is bad. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. No
one should take another’s life, no matter the reason. No one has that right.
But you did it to protect your brother. That’s a good thing. You’re kind,
smart, and you love your brother. Those are good things, things that make up
who you are. Even if your actions were bad, you’re a good person. That’s how I
know that you will never hurt your brother, or any of us,” he told Shi.
    Shi had never thought of the world in those terms, that a person could be
good and bad at the same time, that they weren’t the sum of their actions, that
you could do something bad, but not become an evil person. His father’s voice
was kind and full of life and in the face of that, it was hard for him to
believe that stubborn voice in his head that said he was truly evil.
    “But I don’t know what to do,” he sniffed, “What if I do that again? Even
if it’s a stranger… even if it isn’t Eirie or you or Mom, what if I hurt
someone again?”
    “That’s why we’re going to figure this out,” Jonathan said with a smile,
“It isn’t like you’ve been punching people out left and right. This was one
incident. It was scary for you and shocking, but you didn’t mean to do it and
you’ve never done it before now. You don’t have to worry about it so much, ok?
You have people to help you. That’s what the therapy is for, to find out why
this happened and how to help you. So no more talk about you deserving
punishment, ok? The only one who thinks that is you, and it isn’t true. You
don’t deserve that.”
    Shi nodded and smiled as his father leaned in and kissed his forehead. He
loved him so much. He loved how he could make him feel better with just a few
words, like he knew him inside and out and actually, his father did. Maybe not
the dark stuff, not the secrets, but his thoughts and hopes, he knew those
things. Everyone said that he and his dad were exactly alike and he wished that
that was true. He wanted to be a kind, wonderful man like his dad. If he turned
out like his dad, instead of his grandfather, then everything would be ok. It
was just like at the hospital, his father had scared that man, but he had done
it without violence. He wanted to be like that. He wanted to be able to solve
problems like that without hurting anyone. He wanted to have that kind of
confidence and strength to protect the people he loved.
    “Daddy, why did you say those things to that man?” he asked.
    Jonathan paused for a moment, wondering what Shi was asking.
    “You mean why did I threaten him?” he asked.
    Shi nodded. Jonathan sighed heavily.
    “I guess it was kind of strange, huh?” he mused, “I don’t act like that in
front of you boys. Did it scare you?”
    “Nu-uh,” Shi said, grinning, “It was kind of cool.”
    Jonathan chuckled and ruffled his son’s hair.
    “Cool, huh? I don’t know about that… That man was threatening you,
threatening all of us, and sometimes, some people need to be threatened back. I
was protecting this family, but that isn’t always the answer,” he told Shi,
“But… sometimes… when people are scared, they show a side of themselves that
people normally don’t see.”
    “You were scared?” Shi asked with wide eyes.
    His dad was never scared. Not when they watched scary movies or… well,
anything, but his father still nodded.
    “Yes. A very long time ago, I was a soldier,” Jonathan explained.
    Shi tried to imagine his father holding a gun like the soldiers in movies
and TV ads, but it was impossible. His dad didn’t even like the fact that there
was a gun store in their town, let alone owning one.
    “My father was a very conservative man,” Jonathan continued, “He loved this
country and I loved it, too. I wanted to have a purpose, to feel like I was
protecting people and striving towards some kind of goal. I loved being in the
army. I loved going to foreign lands, protecting people against the bad guys,
and I loved being able to write to my dad and tell him that he could be proud
of me. But even though I loved my job, I learned that there is nothing more
important than family. When I married your mother, I let go of my past, of that
soldier, and dedicated myself to her, you, and your brother. When you were
threatened today, yes, I was terrified, and I let that person come through,
because this family is the most important thing in my life. I would do anything
to protect you, even something that I don’t like. I think you understand that.
You hate what you did, but you protected your brother. That’s why it bothers
you so much, isn’t it? Because you can’t decide if what you did was horrible or
good.”
    Shi stared up at him, shocked at his father’s ability to read him so
completely. It made him feel strange, good and bad at the same time, that his
father knew him so well, but there were, obviously, things in his father’s past
that he had never known. How could this quiet, loving man been in the military?
Had his father killed people, too? Somehow, that made him feel better, that his
father might understand and sympathize. And why had he considered his family
more important than something he had clearly loved? Why had he been here, to
marry his mother, instead of overseas? His father stood up and kissed his
mother lightly on the lips. It made Shi smile, seeing that proof of his
father’s love for his mother, his father’s love for his entire family, so
different than his mother’s father. His father whispered something to his
mother and she smiled, nodding to him. He left the kitchen and Shi heard him
gathering his car keys and leave the house. Shi turned to his mother, who had
returned to the sink, cleaning off knives and putting away jars of peanut
butter and jelly.
    “What did Dad mean, about his family being more important than him being
proud of being a soldier?” he asked.
    Anjaleque wiped her hands off with a towel and sat down at the table with
her children.
    “Your father used to be a very dedicated soldier,” she told him, “But he,
like you, was very close to his brother. His family was very military. His
father, grandfather, uncle, and great-grandfather had all been in some branch
of the military. His brother was older than him, but he had been born with
asthma. Your grandfather had been very disappointed that his oldest couldn’t
enlist and your father had most of his affection and attention when he joined
the army. The one reason why your father hesitated to join was because he would
be separated from his big brother, but he quickly had ties with his unit and
constantly sent his brother letters. It was years before you were born, but
back then, this country was being deployed in Africa, to stop some men from
hurting people there. There were many, many wars and it went on for a long
time, but your father wanted to protect the people who were being hurt, so he
stayed. Then, one day, he received a letter from his mother saying that his
brother had died. All your father wanted was to take a leave to attend your
uncle’s funeral, but there was a small war going on in the African country he
was in at the time and his superiors wouldn’t let him leave so suddenly. He
talked with his father on the phone, but your grandfather refused to let him
come home. When your father disobeyed orders and showed up at his brother’s
funeral anyway, his father was furious at him.”
    “Did Daddy get in trouble?” Eirie asked, not really understanding what all
the fuss was about his dad being a soldier, but understanding that his dad had
done something wrong.
    “No, honey,” she told him, “He would have. His father wanted him to be
court marshaled, and he would have been if not for your great uncle, who worked
for the government. He thought that your father’s father was being silly and
helped your father out. After all of that was over, your father decided to quit
the army, forever. His father refused to speak to him, but your father realized
that his family was more important than his military career. He helped out your
grandmother through her grief, while keeping his distance from his father. His
father still hasn’t forgiven him for ‘abandoning his country’, that’s what he
called it.”
    “That’s why we never met Dad’s parents?” Shi asked.
    Anjaleque nodded.
    “That man can certainly hold a grudge, even against his own children,” she
said bitterly, suddenly thinking of her own father, “His mother still keeps in
touch, but she’s a traditional woman and will never do anything that her
husband doesn’t want her to do.”
    “But Dad said that family is the most important thing to him,” Shi said,
“Isn’t it painful for him not to talk to his dad?”
    Anjaleque smiled sadly at him.
    “Yes, your father’s ties with his family are very deep, especially since
the death of his brother. He feels that he should have been there for his
brother. But even though his father doesn’t talk to him, he stands by his
decision to leave the army for his brother’s funeral. More than anything else,
he loves you boys. You are his family and he will do anything to protect you,”
she said.
    “If anything happened to Shi, even if I was in outer space, I’d come back
for him!” Eirie exclaimed boldly.
    His heart brimming with love, Shi lifted Eirie out of his chair, making the
child squeak in surprise.
    “Dummy,” he murmured as he hugged his little brother tightly, Eirie hugging
him back, “I’ll hold you to that.”
    ‘Family is the most important thing,’ Shi thought, echoing his father’s
beliefs. He would never hurt Eirie. Never ever. He would do anything to protect
him, to be there for him, just like his father with his brother. He would go
across the entire planet just to be there for him. To save him, he would, had,
and always would sell his soul to the devil. With that feeling alone, he might
just be able to forgive himself.
　
　
End part 6
***** Part 7 *****
Chapter Summary
     Shi goes to Vel's to tell him what happened and confesses that he
     loves him. Can Vel tell him that he loves him, too, when it goes
     against his faith? And what will Vel's mother do if she finds out?
Poisoned Memories
Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows
Part 7


    Shi awoke with a jerk that was so violent, his long and awkward body almost
fell off his bed. He could feel that he was covered in sweat, even though it
was cold outside. His room was pitch black, too black, but every now and then,
there would be a flash of lightning from his window, giving him frightening
glimpses of shadows and sharp corners of his room that were unfamiliar and
unpleasant when coupled with the darkness. Worst of all, though he knew he had
just been dreaming, he could smell that smell from his dreams, thick and
metallic, like a handful of pennies. The smell from that day when he had killed
that kid, the smell of blood…
    Three days had passed since then, but he still dreamt about it, every
single night. It was dark, but he could smell that nauseating stench of blood
and violence, something that wasn’t actually real, but he could put a name to
it and recognize it. He could feel his fists hitting something that felt wet
and mushy, like mix between raw hamburger and a wet sponge. He would hear
screaming then, and would wonder in the way that someone could wonder in a
dream, all fuzzy and unsure, if the screaming had been happening all along or
if it had just started, then, always at that moment of wondering, he would be
able to see. He would look down and realize that it was Eirie whom he had been
beating, viciously like a rabid animal, and with that realization would come
one that the screaming had been coming from him.
    The details would change every now and again, but every night since that
day, he had dreamt that he had killed his little brother and once he realized
that, he always awoke like this, panting, his heart racing, and covered in
sweat. He couldn’t shake it, no matter how hard he tried. His parents had
forgiven him for what he had done and Eirie didn’t even really get why Shi’s
actions were bad, but Shi didn’t think he would ever forgive himself. It didn’t
really matter how he felt about his actions, though. As long as the people he
loved forgave him, he knew that he could survive it. But there was still one
person who hadn’t forgiven him.
    Well, that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t like Vel blamed him or hated him for what
he had done. Truthfully, he hadn’t seen the other blonde since that day, during
school. After the dead boy’s parents had cornered them in the hospital, Shi’s
parents had become terrified about what would happen to Shi when he went back
to school, how his classmates and teachers would treat him. Shi had thought
about it at great length, too. He was already teased about his height and his
eyes, what cruel things would his classmates say about him being a murderer,
too? His father had told him that he had to go back next week, but that a few
days away from school would help cool tempers and rumors, but Shi really
thought that his father was more worried about his health than what other
people thought.
    He wasn’t angry about it. Shi didn’t feel like going back to school. Ever
since he had come back from the hospital, he had felt tired. Even when he woke
up in the morning or after he had lunch, times when he usually felt energetic,
he just felt like he was dragging himself through the day, like how he had been
right after his grandfather had raped him for the first time. He had no energy
and he wondered if it was because he was so afraid of Vel’s reaction to what he
had done. He had so much fear in him, fear of his classmates, fear of his
grandfather, fear of his parents, and now this, he wondered if his heart was
shutting down. It was like the game system he and his brother played with, when
it got too hot, you were supposed to turn it off. Maybe that was what was
happening to him, he was too sad, too angry, too filled with bad things, so now
he was tired and could barely feel a thing.
    Shi had never had any reason to enjoy school. That was for boys like Eirie,
boys who were good at things and liked to learn. The only things Shi had ever
been good at, he didn’t need to go to school to do them. As far as he was
concerned, time away from school was a blessing. He got to play with Eirie and
his parents all day long, watch TV, play video games, whatever he wanted. His
parents were acting kind of weird, though. They watched him constantly and
bought him things out of the blue. Not big things, but little things like comic
books, ice cream, and stuff like that. Things that he loved, but not expensive.

    He didn’t care for the pricey toys that other kids did like game consoles
and shiny gadgets. Shi was just as happy to read his comic books with Eire as
he was to play the newest video game. It made him realize that his parents were
really worried about him and they were trying to make him happy. It made him
feel guilty, remembering what Dr. Harris had said in the hospital and how his
mother had held him tight, near tears with knowing that there was something
wrong, but Shi was too scared to tell her anything. He tried hard to act like
he had before he had met his grandfather, but it seemed like the more he tried
to act happy, the sadder his mother and father got.
    He tried to do nice things for them, too. When his mother told him to clean
his room, he did it without a single complaint. He even washed all the dishes
one night while his mother had been on the phone. When she had realized what he
had done, she had hugged him tightly and that had felt good, but she was still
worried about him. He was trying so hard to make them think that everything was
ok, trying not let the darkness inside his heart out, but it snuck up on him
all the time. It seemed like the harder he tried not to let it bother him, the
worse it made him feel and the more he thought about his grandfather. Cree was
coming by on Saturday again and if Shi wasn’t so anxious about Vel, he would
have been scared to think of what his grandfather was going to do when he found
out about what Shi had done.
    Shi’s father had somehow gotten Vel to agree to bring Shi his homework
every day after school. Shi could hear him when he rang the doorbell, talking
cheerfully to his parents. Shi’s mother had explained to him that Vel’s mother
had heard about what had happened and refused to let Vel come play with him, so
Shi only had those little windows of time to speak to his best friend, but he
was too scared to go down and see him. Every day, Shi would think ‘today is the
day’ and would feel enthusiastic and confident, but the second the doorbell
rang about two o’clock, it felt like his stomach was sinking down into his
intestines and he couldn’t bear it.
    He couldn’t stand the thought of Vel hating him, scorning him, and really,
he wouldn’t blame him if he did. But he missed Vel terribly. Every time he
heard his voice, his heart and his head would ache. His stomach would twist
into knots and there would be this little voice inside of him screaming to stop
being such a chicken, to just go downstairs and tell Vel that he hadn’t meant
it, to kill that kid, but his fear would rise up and swallow him whole. It had
been eating at him since that day, this intense need to see him, to kiss him,
to joke around with him again. Why did he have to be such a coward?
    Being unable to even talk to Vel made Shi hate himself. It shouldn’t be
this hard, Vel was his best friend, but admitting to what had happened made Shi
feel sick inside. He thought that he could handle it. He just had to make it
through the weekend, then he would know. When Monday came, if Vel was waiting
to walk to school with him, then Shi would know he was forgiven and if not… no,
he couldn’t bear to think of that. Vel was everything. He realized, had
realized a long time ago, that he was clinging to Vel just like how he clung to
Eirie, but he couldn’t help it. Vel could take all those bad feelings and flush
them away. When they kissed, Shi didn’t think about his grandfather, their
deal, or his doubt about his parents’ love for him. All he could think about in
those moments was how much he loved Vel.
    But, the closer that Saturday got, the more that need consumed him. Maybe
it was the constant nightmares of killing Eirie, or how utterly tired he was,
but Shi felt like he was cracking every time he thought about Cree’s upcoming
visit. It wasn’t anything new, but he suddenly felt worse about it than he
usually did. Ever since he had kissed Vel that first time, his feelings of
horror about the sex had started to fade. It wasn’t that the sex itself was
getting any better for his mind and heart, it was that he had Vel’s love to
balance against it. When he could feel his grandfather inside of him, he just
thought about Vel’s soft smile and he could bear it.
    Now, he felt like he had nothing, that he would not be able to conjure up
that image. Vel kept that nightmares at bay, even before he had kissed him and
had realized that he was in love, and now that he wasn’t here, Shi felt like he
was losing his grip. He wanted to see him so badly… he didn’t even know where
their friendship stood right now… Shi flinched as more lightning arched across
the sky, throwing fading light into his room. He could feel the rain hitting
his window. It wasn’t gentle like it had been when he had gone to bed. It
sounded angry, cold and furious as it hit the glass. It sounded like the rain
was accusing him of being a coward. Ridiculous as it sounded, every brutal hit
of the rain sent spikes through his heart.
    ‘Why am I here?’ he thought, shivering in the dark of his room.
    He hated being scared. He had stopped being afraid of the dark and things
that went bump in the night long before other boys his age, but he had always
assumed that it was because he had been too busy easing his little brother out
of his own nightmares. He hadn’t had many nightmares before Cree had shown up.
Shi thought that maybe one of the reasons why his grandfather affected him so
much was the power that he had over him. Cree made him scared, unsure of
everything. Maybe that was why it was so much easier for him to be angry.
Better to be angry and beat down the world around you than to be afraid and let
it control you. Though… either way, he guessed he was being controlled. And
Vel… Vel made him feel brave.
    When he was with Vel, he felt that he could do anything. He had the
strength to kiss him, the courage to tell him that he loved him and compared to
that, everything else was easy. But when Vel wasn’t there, he was afraid again.
He couldn’t stand it. Shi went to his window, too familiar with his room to
stub his toes on anything, and opened the window. He stuck his head out into
the blackness of the night, feeling the wind and rain whip at his skin. From
his window, he could easily see Vel’s and he felt emboldened by a faint light
coming from it, probably a flashlight or candle. He was probably asleep, but if
Shi saw him now, Vel’s mother couldn’t stop him.
    He could do it, Shi thought. It wasn’t that long of a drop from his window
to the ground and there was a window under his, so he could climb back up and
Vel had one of those weird, white wood, crisscrossed things under his window
where vines grew. He could climb up and down that, but would Vel be angry with
him if he woke him up this late? For a strange second, two images flashed in
Shi’s mind, one of his grandfather’s eyes and the second the way that boy had
looked when Shi had finally come to his senses. He shivered. If Vel hated him,
he would find out tonight. It scared the hell out of him and his heart hurt
just at the thought of Vel hating him, but he felt that he had to do it this
way.
    If Vel hated him… he had no idea what he would do, but if he didn’t… that
would make some of this darkness go away. But more than any of those things, he
just wanted to see him, like a siren call. Shi pulled his head back in and
stripped out of his pajamas. He didn’t want to go back to bed with wet and
muddy clothes. Using the walls around him and the sporadic lightning to see
what he was doing, Cale put on a pair of black sweatpants and a white tank top.
He grabbed a dirty shirt from off his floor, too, and tied it around his waist.
He thought about taking a flashlight with him, but he didn’t have one in his
room and the light might get him noticed. Shi grinned as he thought that he
felt kind of like a brave explorer, ready to do dangerous stunts to find some
rare treasure.
    With that thought in his head, Shi crawled out his window, keeping it open
enough that he could get back in, but not wide enough that anyone would think
it was strange. He grabbed the ledge with both hands and slid down until he was
hanging there, then dropped down and landed easily. The walk to Vel’s house
took three times longer than usual because Shi had to wait for the lightning to
find his way in the dark. The ground beneath his bare feet was wet and muddy,
caking his feet in dirt and Shi sunk into the ground a few times, but kept on
moving forward.
    Climbing up the lattice structure below Vel’s window was kind of scary as
the wood creaked under his weight, but Shi made it to the top, slipping on the
slippery leaves of the vines a few times, and knocked on Vel’s window. He had
to knock three more times before a face appeared at the window. Through the
rain, Shi could see his friend’s bi-colored eyes widen in shock and worried
that Vel would be so angry at him that he wouldn’t even open the window. He
realized how stupid this plan was, how easy he could get caught, or fall, but
refused to give up. To his relief, Vel opened the window with a shrill,
creaking sound, his window a single one where you had to lift the window up to
open it while Shi’s was a double and opened with a crank and was less noisy.
    “What are you doing here?!” Vel hissed, but didn’t seem to find Shi’s
unwanted, just surprising.
    “Can I come in?” Shi pleaded, shivering in the cold rain.
    Whether Vel pitied him because he was so wet or he didn’t mind that Shi was
here, Shi wasn’t sure, but Vel quickly moved back, letting Shi pull himself up.
Shi sat on the window sill, keeping his legs and feet on the outside, and used
the spare shirt he had brought to wipe the mud off his feet. He didn’t need to
get Vel’s room filthy. As Shi hopped into his room, Vel looked out the window
at the stretch that Shi had climbed, his eyes widening further. Shi’s house was
long while Vel’s was tall, it was impossible to fall from the second story
window without breaking your ankle. He shook his head, partly in amazement and
partly in disbelief.
    “You’re insane,” he scolded at his best friend, “You could have killed
yourself!”
    Shi saw the intense worry in Vel’s eyes and couldn’t help but grin. You
couldn’t worry about someone you hated, could you? If he wasn’t so cold, he
would have laughed in relief. Water from his long hair dripped on the floor and
Shi shivered, wishing that he had had a way to bring warm, dry clothes. He
realized that he probably looked silly with his golden hair plastered to his
skin by rain water.
    “I knew what I was doing,” he brushed off Vel’s concerns.
    Vel shook his head again, studying the other blonde. He had missed Shi so
much… he had missed his smile, his carefree attitude, and those gorgeous red
eyes of his. His mother was so cold and stern, but Shi was so laid back. He
didn’t judge people. Even when he didn’t feel like smile, he would, just to
cheer you up. Without him… Vel’s life would be filled with nothing but coldness
and he wondered if he would become like his mother, bitter and distant. He
suddenly felt overwhelmed by loneliness and sadness, realizing how much he had
missed his best friend these last few days, how worried he had been for him. He
hugged Shi tightly, not caring that the water was soaking him. He had clean
clothes, but no one else to hug like this.
    Shi almost fell down as Vel pretty much threw himself at him, his arms
coming up automatically to steady the both of them. Vel hugged him like his
mother hugged him lately, so tight that it hurt, but a kind of pain that was
pleasant because you knew that the person wasn’t really trying to hurt you,
that the pain was because of how much they loved you. Vel didn’t hate him… he
was worried, just like his mother and father were. Shi was so cold, from his
own loneliness and the rain, but Vel felt wonderfully warm in his arms. He had
the sudden, startling thought that he could die like this, in the arms of the
one he loved more than anyone else, he could happily die.
    Under Shi’s hands, he could feel his older friend’s shoulders shake. He was
crying… Shi couldn’t figure out why, what he might have done wrong, so he just
kept holding him until Vel stopped and let go of him. Vel wiped at his eyes,
pretending that he hadn’t been crying at all.
    “I… I’ll go get you some towels,” he murmured.
    Shi watched, worried as Vel grabbed some clothes from his drawer, then fled
the room. Vel was strong, and more mature than him, though he was thirteen
compared to Shi’s ten, but sometimes, he seemed so fragile… Shi easily put all
the blame for that on Vel’s mother. He wished that, when he grew up, things
became less complicated, that he could solve a problem like this just by
punching Vel’s mom in the face or something, but Shi thought that when you grew
up, problems got harder instead of easier.
    Out in the hall, walking as quietly as he could towards the bathroom, Vel
continued to wipe roughly at his cheeks. He could feel that he was blushing and
felt ashamed of himself. He was such a baby! But he couldn’t help it. He felt
so alone here, in this house, with his mother and little brother. It was
stupid. He had lived here for a year, so why did he still feel like a stranger
here, like he was locked up in this unfamiliar place. Shi was the only thing
that was familiar to him. Even his mother was like a stranger to him. He didn’t
want to be here. When Shi hadn’t shown up at school for the last three days, he
had been so scared that Shi wasn’t coming back at all. Even when Shi’s dad had
said he would, Vel had been frightened. His life was unbearable enough, but
without his best friend…
    Vel didn’t dare tell Shi what his mother had been saying about him, about
the murder. All those terrible, cruel things… and he had said nothing. He was
supposed to be Shi’s best friend, was supposed to defend him, but whenever he
tried to talk back to his mother, to tell her that Shi wasn’t like that at all,
that he was kind and wonderful, his throat closed shut. He hated her so much,
for the guilt that she constantly made him feel, for shutting him out.
Everything he did was a sin, was wrong. So, he tried. He changed and changed
and changed so much that he couldn’t even remember who he really was anymore.
The only time that he could ever be himself was around Shi. It was automatic.
He didn’t have to second guess his actions and thoughts. When he was with Shi,
he didn’t think about evil and sin, he just laughed and went along with Shi’s
acceptance of the world around him.
    Maybe that was what was wrong with Shi, though. He was so strained lately,
stressed about things that Vel couldn’t see. Shi accepted everything around him
as it was. It was a great quality to have in a friend, but because Shi accepted
everything, he seemed to believe that nothing could change, which was fine when
things were good, but what if something had gone bad? What if something bad had
happened and Shi believed it couldn’t be fixed? Vel couldn’t even begin to try
to figure out why Shi was acting this way since a year ago, but he wished that
he could help him. But if he couldn’t even stand up to his mother, how could he
possibly help Shi with something that seemed really, really serious?
    He hated his mother, but he loved her, too. She was his Mommy, so he had to
love her. That was why he tried so hard. He just wanted her to love him, like
how she used to love him. Was that such an evil thing to want from one’s
mother? One of the commandments was ‘Honor Thy Mother and Father’, right? So
didn’t love count? He believed her, too, about Hell. No one wanted to go to
Hell, so it was just easier to change. He thought that he would do anything at
all for those two things, to go to Heaven, and for his mother’s love. So,
sometimes, he truly envied his best friend. Shi’s mother was so kind and full
of unconditional love and Shi didn’t seem so wrapped up in the Heaven and Hell
stuff. Vel’s Mom would call Shi a heathen for that, but Vel thought that Shi
had it better, not worrying all the time.
    He just wanted to be a good boy, a good Catholic boy for his mother. So why
was it so hard to please her? He didn’t want to talk back to her, but he hated
her when she said those things about Shi. But still, he couldn’t even defend
him, because he knew, then, that his mother would never love him. He was
pathetic. A worthless friend, ready to turn his back on Shi for his mother’s
sake. But there was nothing sinful about their friendship, so it was fine…
wasn’t it? Vel changed out of his wet clothes and into the dry ones, then
grabbed the towels, returning to his room. Shi was standing exactly where he
had left him, looking morosely at the puddle of water that had formed under his
feet, like a puppy who had just been scolded.
    “Here,” Vel said, handing Shi a towel and the rest of the clothes he had
taken from the drawer.
    “I’m just going to get them wet,” Shi said as he put the dry clothes on
Vel’s bed and started to try to dry his long hair.
    “Then you’ll have to give them back to me on Monday,” Vel said with a
bright smile.
    Shi’s concerned expression slowly turned into a beaming smile, which almost
made Vel laugh. His tall, best friend reminded him of a puppy, loyal and
playful, feeling one thing with all of his being. It was like there wasn’t any
room in Shi’s heart for two emotions. When he was happy, he would smile like
that, without a doubt in his expression and would make everyone around him feel
happy, too. But when he was sad… it made you want to cry. Before he had met
Shi, he had hardly smiled at all. It was a nice feeling. But in a way, it just
made him feel even lonelier because it made him realize what a hollow person he
was.
    Shi was his light and when he left, Vel felt like his world was filled with
darkness and shadows. It made him realize that he was only really happy when he
was with the other boy. What did that say about him? He felt like there was
nothing inside of his heart, that his mother’s coldness had stolen away any
kind of emotion and humanity. When she smiled at Taka, he felt completely
isolated. Being with Shi was great, but it made him feel inferior, that Shi
could feel so much, but Vel could only feel anything when he was around. When
Shi wasn’t around, Vel felt like he was walking around without a heart. If his
mother could just smile at him like she did at Taka… would he smile and laugh
like Shi did?
    But even if he could think that, lately Shi had changed. Vel couldn’t
figure out why, but he had. He still laughed and smiled, but there was
something off about it, something that Vel couldn’t quite place. It worried him
for several reasons. It made him wonder if something like happiness was real,
or if you could only have it for a short while before you became like Shi,
smiling and looking like he was going to cry at the same time. But Vel still
thought a sad smile was better than no smile at all. Even if Shi had something
bad in his life, he still had his family. As long as Shi had that, he could
smile, he could be happy. Vel just wished he take that darkness from Shi’s
eyes.
    Vel’s white skin turned bright red as Shi started to peel off his very wet
shirt, giving Vel a brief peak of skin before the older boy turned around,
giving him some privacy. Vel felt like he was going to burst into flames as
that slight second worth of seeing Shi’s naked upper body refused to let go of
him. It stayed in his vision even as he looked away, his heart racing in his
chest. Shi had no shame at all, just… undressing like that! But why should he?
Vel realized. They were both boys, so undressing in front of each other wasn’t
a big deal. If Shi had been born a girl, it would have been different, but he
hadn’t, so why did it bother Vel so much? It wasn’t like he was disgusted, it
was the opposite of that. He had wanted to really look and that wasn’t right.
    There was something deep inside his heart that demanded that he look back
at his friend and then there was a voice in his head that sounded sort of like
his mother, telling him that such thoughts were bad. You weren’t supposed to
look at your best friend’s nakedness, even if you had kissed before. Even if
you had kissed a lot. Vel clenched his eyes shut, in case his heart got the
best of him and he did turn around. He didn’t know which voice to listen to,
his heart or his head, if it was ok to look or if it was a sin. Then there was
that other voice, asking almost accusingly, why it should matter, what the
voice in his head said, why it mattered at all to him.
    Vel finally turned as he heard a wet splat from Shi putting his soaked
clothes on the window sill. Shi looked strange, standing there in his room
wearing his clothes. For some reason, it made his heart ache, though that
feeling didn’t make any sense to him. It wasn’t a big deal. Shi’s clothes had
been wet, so he had offered his own. Nothing significant or important about
that at all, so why did his heart feel this way? That feeling grew as Shi sat
on his bed and lied down, his long legs hanging off the bed and the tall blonde
looked up at the boring, white ceiling. Vel, without a word, sat down next to
him.
    Shi’s eyes slipped closed and Vel studied him, wondering if the red eyed
boy would fall asleep. It was late and there were dark circles under Shi’s
eyes, but Vel knew where they had come from and it had nothing to do with how
late it was. Though Shi had attempted to dry his hair, his golden bangs still
stuck to his skin. He looked… not cute. Though Shi was only ten years old, Vel
still couldn’t think of him that way. He was handsome and Vel could very easily
see the man that was just waiting to emerge from the boy. Now, in this town,
Shi was looked down upon because of his eyes and his height, and now, because
of what he had done… but Vel didn’t think that would be the case in eight
years, when Shi finished with school and would go off to college.
    Shi would leave this stupid place and would find a path for himself. People
would attract to him, like Vel had done. They would feel at ease with his kind,
but strong nature and would smile and laugh with him as Vel did. But these
people wouldn’t be Vel, they would be complete. They would have nice families,
like Shi did, they could smile on their own and wouldn’t doubt everything that
they did. And Shi would realize that and he would move on. It wasn’t just Vel’s
own doubts and fears, he could just see it happening. Shi wasn’t the type to
wait for someone to catch up to him. No, he was more like the type to grab the
person straggling behind him and pull them along. But Vel wasn’t sure if he
could be pulled along. The thought of that happening, of Shi moving on, made
his insides hurt so very badly.
    Vel looked away from him, hating himself for feeling this way. It shouldn’t
matter to him what would happen a decade from now. Now, right now, Shi was his.
That thought almost made him smirk with selfish pride and he tried to dispel
the feeling hastily. Pride was a sin, he knew that for sure. You should only
feel pride in your love for God, not that your friend only had eyes for you, a
smugness against people from a possible future. But the thought filled him with
relief. Even if Shi would outgrow him in the future, for now, they had each
other. That was enough.
    “About what happened…” Shi said suddenly.
    Vel looked back at him. Shi’s crimson eyes were open, but he was looking at
the ceiling again and still not at him. He looked scared, nervous, nearly
brimming with anxiety.
    “I know,” Vel said quickly, not wanting to hear that sad, hopeless tone.
    Hadn’t he already told Shi that he would see him on Monday, that he didn’t
care about what had happened? Well, he guessed that just because Shi could give
him his clothes back on Monday, it didn’t mean that Shi thought Vel didn’t
think the worst of him. He didn’t. Shi wasn’t a murderer. He had killed
someone, but he hadn’t meant to. Vel knew that, even if Shi had killed that boy
maliciously, Vel would have forgiven him for it anyway. He didn’t think that
there was anything that Shi could do that he wouldn’t forgive him for. Shi
looked over at him at his words, for which Vel was grateful.
    “Your mother told me what happened,” Vel confessed.
    Shi’s eyes widened in shock and he sat up.
    “Mom told you?” he whispered, not sure if he should be happy or hurt.
    Shi trusted his mother to get the facts straight, to not lie or try to make
things worse, so it was probably a good thing that she had told Vel what had
really happened, but it made him feel weird, almost like a betrayal, but not
quite.
    “My mom told me that something had happened with you when I got home from
school. I’m not sure what she said, or how she had found out so quickly, I
guess I kind of freaked and tuned her out. Or maybe I just knew that whatever
she said about you was probably gossip or an outright lie,” Vel said.
    “You didn’t believe her?” Shi asked in confusion, “But she’s your mom.”
    Vel shook his head. This was something that Shi couldn’t understand. Mrs.
Matthews was perfect. She loved Shi and Eirie and her husband. She was
beautiful, kind, patient, and understanding. No kid in the entire world could
wish for a better mother. Vel was quite sure that Shi had never had any doubts
about his mother telling him the truth. He probably viewed her words like the
words of God, full of honesty and love. There were moments when Vel wished he
could just run away from his own mother and live with Shi. He hated himself for
those moments.
    “My mom hates you,” Vel pointed out, “Your family is Protestant, your mom’s
a lot younger than her, you swear and play violent video games. You’re my only
friend and since she won’t let you come over here, she doesn’t know what we do
when we’re together, so she settles for thinking the worst. She knows that she
can’t stop me from being friends with you as long as we live in the same town
and we like each other. She thinks you’re the worst kind of influence on me.”
    Shi nodded along with all of this like he was agreeing with Vel’s mother’s
beliefs, like he could see how he was a bad influence.
    “No,” Vel snapped at him, even though Shi hadn’t said anything, no longer
caring about trying to keep his voice down, “You don’t understand! None of that
is true! I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew that it wasn’t true and just
wanted me to believe that it was! She just doesn’t want me to have friends. She
doesn’t want me to be happy,” his tone was terribly bitter, but there was a
part of him, that same part that still loved his mother, that asked him if he
really meant that, if he really believed it.
    Shi put a reassuring hand on Vel’s arm and the frantic worry in his eyes
was enough to soothe the older boy’s pain a little.
    “Hey, don’t say that,” Shi pleaded, the darkness in his heart at his own
problems accepting Vel’s like it was an old friend, “As long as you don’t
believe all that stuff, I don’t care what she says! I mean, if she’s so mean
that she would say all that just to keep you from having a friend, then me
being a bad influence in her eyes has got to be a good thing! Besides, we’re
still friends, right? So what she thinks and what she says doesn’t matter. What
matters is what you think. I can take her hating me, but she shouldn’t take it
off on you like that.”
    Shi hadn’t said that he was overreacting or that he couldn’t mean that…
that Vel couldn’t really think that his mother hated him that much, that he was
just being childish or immature. Vel was… relieved. It meant so much to him,
his friend acknowledging his problem, understanding it. Didn’t people get that
when you said stuff like that, that they didn’t really mean it, what they were
really saying was that they didn’t have a problem? To just ‘get over it’? But
Shi wasn’t like that. He believed him and trusted him.
    “Your mother realized it, too,” Vel said softly, “After I heard that from
my mom, I ran over to your house, but you weren’t there. I think you were at
the hospital or something. When I came back later, but your mom said that you
were sleeping. She didn’t want me to think the worst of you because of
something that my mom might have heard. She said that people would gossip and
she didn’t want me to believe anything but the truth.”
    Shi looked at the floor. So Vel knew everything. He knew that he had
flipped out, had lost control and had let his rage consume him. That he had
killed someone. What was worse, Vel thinking that Shi had killed someone out of
spite, or Vel knowing that the person sitting next to him right now had
absolutely no control over himself? That he might snap at any moment? Even if
Dr. Harris said it was highly unlikely for that to happen, Vel didn’t know
that. Shi’s head shot up at the feeling of Vel’s hand on his.
    “It’s not your fault,” Vel assured him.
    Vel’s eyes were so kind, there was no accusation in them and it made Shi
feel weird, like the air around them was soft and warm. He wanted to kiss him,
to hug him. His other hand shook slightly. Just to know that Vel wasn’t
disgusted in him made him accept what he had done just a little bit more.
    “But it is my fault,” he murmured, “I killed him…”
    “That’s not true!” Vel protested, “You didn’t mean to do it! You didn’t
even know what you were doing! You didn’t kill him, not really.”
    “How can you say that?” Shi demanded, “Even if I can’t remember what I did,
I know I did it! It was my hands that killed him, my skin covered in his brains
and blood!”
    Shi seemed to become even paler and Vel worried that his best friend might
actually throw up.
    “Saying it’s your fault, that you should be punished for it, that I should
hate you for it, is like blaming someone for breaking a lamp when they were
sleep walking. How can you blame someone for doing something when they weren’t
even conscious of doing it?!”
    “This is more than just a broken lamp,” Shi muttered, “I took someone’s
life from them, I killed someone’s kid. How can I move on from that?”
    “You just can,” Vel insisted, “Because that’s what people do. Either that,
or just give up. You can blame yourself forever and destroy yourself, or you
could kill yourself. When my mom cheated on my dad and he found out about it,
she never forgave herself. She let it eat at her and it ruined everything. I
don’t want to see that happen to you, too!”
    Shi shook his head. He didn’t want to be like Vel’s mom. But wasn’t he
already half way there? He had destroyed himself, he just hadn’t let it spread
to his family and friend. But this was different than what his grandfather had
done to him. He couldn’t die, couldn’t just give up like that. He still had
Eirie to protect and besides, he just didn’t want to die, didn’t want to let
this consume him like the rapes had. He didn’t have much left to give up
anyway. He leaned his body against Vel’s arm, loving the feeling of his warmth.
If Vel was strong enough to live with his mother, he could be strong enough to
live with this guilt.
    “I love you,” he said in a soft voice.
    Vel almost gasped with the immense happiness that filled him at those
words. He knew… he had known for awhile, how Shi felt for him, but it was
completely different from hearing him say it. Love… it wasn’t just two friends
who happened to like to kiss, this was something deeper… That friendship was
still there, but there was something lying under it, something intense and hot,
something that the both of them were to young and inexperienced to acknowledge.
Did this mean that they were boyfriends? Wasn’t that wrong? A man should love a
woman, right? But he loved Shi and Shi loved him. Was that a sin? He didn’t
know and at this moment, he wasn’t sure if he cared. It was just Shi and him,
so it wasn’t wrong… God couldn’t hate him for these wonderful feelings… could
He?
    Vel moved his arm and wrapped it around Shi’s waist, leaning forward to
press his lips against the other boy’s. As usual, Shi’s lips were warm, though
now they were slightly wet from the rain. His heart felt swollen, like it was
going to explode with all the feelings filling it. For once, he felt whole and
he thought it was the best feeling in the world.

*****

    Angela Collins had always slept well during thunderstorms, a quirk that she
had had even as a child. But even so, not even she had been able to stay asleep
as the thunder had gotten louder and louder, the storm coming closer and
closer. She found herself restless often lately, especially in the dead of
night like this. She had spent almost twenty years sharing a bed with her
husband in the only house they had ever owned. This bed was smaller than that
one. There had been no need for her to sleep in one bigger. Not anymore.
    And yet, the bed still seemed too big to her. Even after a year of moving
here, it was not home to her. She would often roll over and be shocked out of
sleep to find nothing next to her but the edge of the bed. It might have been
this that had woken her and not the thunder, but she couldn’t be sure. In such
situations as these, she had learned a long time ago that trying to find sleep
again was impossible, so she rolled out of the pitiless bed and walked to the
bathroom. She hated this house, all wood and aged fixtures, they even only had
one bathroom. There weren’t enough windows and not enough light, though that
just meant that she had less to clean.
    It was to be expected. When Steven had divorced her, he had somehow managed
to take most of the money, too. He paid enough for alimony, but with two
growing boys, it was never really enough. And then there was Vel, hanging out
with that dirty Matthews boy… even in the lonely hallway, Angela sneered. Now
there was a heap of trouble! No doubt Shi Matthews was the kind of boy who
would fall into the world of motorcycles, rock and roll, and drugs, dragging
her Vel down with him. Not that it mattered. In a way, Steven had been right,
Vel was hardly his child. No, Vel had abruptly changed from their first born
child into a wild boy that blatantly disobeyed her and messed around with a
savage like Shi Matthews. He had turned into her, when she had been cheating on
Steven, filled with sin and with no care about it. She easily saw the slut she
had been in him.
    She had tried to set him straight. He went to church with her and Taka, did
the dishes and cleaned his room, said please and thank you like good boys
should, but she could still see it in him, her own festering sin. It had
started when she had cheated. She had noticed it a little, that her son’s hair
had been getting long, but when her husband had figured out what was going on,
she had forgotten about it. Now that sinful hair was almost as long as the
Matthews’ and she was sure that troublesome boy had had something to do with
that. But no matter what she did, Vel just wouldn’t see the light. What he
needed was some discipline, but she was weak.
    Angela shook her head in irritation as she saw that at some point, Vel had
thrown his clothes on the floor. Yes, discipline was exactly what he needed.
Why couldn’t Vel be like Taka? Her second son was still pure, still innocent,
as all children should be. But Vel had changed, teenage-years already
corrupting his young soul. What he needed was more prayer and confession, that
would make him see that how he was acting was wrong, it would set him straight.
She shouldn’t have sent him to public school, but someplace stricter, somewhere
far away from the Shi Matthews of the world. She picked up the clothes,
chucking them in the hamper, noting with confusion that they were wet.
    What had Vel done now? Had he put too much water in the bath tub? No, that
couldn’t be it. She had taken her shower after him and the bathroom had been
clean then. She shook her head. It didn’t make much sense, but she was tired to
care. Too tired of this life, of worrying, of watching Vel, of missing her old
life…
    “You don’t understand!”
    Angela froze as she heard a pained voice, almost shouting. This late at
night, no one should be awake, not even her. If Vel had the television on… she
followed the sound of two voices down the hall and quickly realized that the
sound wasn’t coming from a television, but from her son and someone else whose
voice she didn’t recognize. The closer that she got to Vel’s room, the more her
anger grew. How dare he have someone in his room at this hour?! It just
reaffirmed everything she thought about her son, that there was no good in him.

    “I love you.”
    Angela froze just outside of her son’s bedroom, putting her back to the
wall just by his door, feeling as though her blood was freezing at the sound of
Vel’s voice. What… what was going on?! She knew that the other voice was a
boy’s, so how could Vel say that? It must have been a mistake. She had heard it
wrong, that was all. But… but how could Vel ever say those words with such
conviction, such… softness? She had never, ever heard him speak in such a tone,
a tone that sounded soadult. Her anger was quickly dispersed by curiosity and
shock. She peeked through the cracked door just in time to see her older son
kiss…
    The fury came back in a terrible wave, sweeping through every inch of her.
Her hands curled into fists so tight, her long nails dug into her palms and she
cut herself. Blood dripped down her skin and onto the floor, but she didn’t
even notice it. The only thing stronger than anger in her gut was disgust,
utter disgust at watching the two boys kiss like two young lovers would, not
curious kids. Like it was… serious. And as they separated, the Matthews boy
looked at her son with such a loving expression, she felt like throwing up.
That was how a girl was supposed to look at her man, not a boy. How dare they!
And in her house… with her baby sleeping innocently a few rooms over… It made
her sick.
    She would march in there, then they wouldn’t have those nasty looks on
their faces, that would show them! How could her own son sin like this!
    ‘How dare they do that, look like they love each other even more than
Steven and I…’
    No, it wasn’t love. It wasperversion. It was sickness. Fags went to Hell,
but that would take too long… Vel needed to learn now. She would show Shi
Matthews the kind of Hell he was headed for… No, no, that would only cut off
one head of this hydra, she would have to cut off them all. She smiled to
herself. And she knew how. She knew what Vel needed, what he wanted, and, as
his loving mother, she knew how to give it to him. She couldn’t fix him, but
she could save Taka, she could punish Vel, and more importantly, she would
punish that blonde freak that had perverted her son…
    “You should go,” she heard Vel whisper to Shi, “The storm’s getting worse.”
    Angela watched the two of them, her light brown eyes cold and calculating.
Shi looked out the window where the rain had started to come down harder and
lightning arched over the sky. On the opposite wall, Vel had a poster of some
movie that Angela had never seen. It’s red color reflected off the window,
giving the very strange and disturbing illusion that the lightning itself was a
deep red. It made it look like the lightning was made of blood. Shi’s eyes had
lost that soft quality and he was now studying the lightning with a look that
Angela couldn’t catalog. If Shi hadn’t been a mere ten years old, she would
have called it anxious or haunted, as though he thought that the lightning
meant something.
    “Yeah, I guess so. Though, I might get electrocuted,” Shi said with a
nervous laugh that obviously upset Vel.
    “Don’t say that!” Vel scolded, having a look of doubt, as though he might
suggest that Shi stay after all.
    ‘Over my dead body,’ Angela thought angrily, hating the concern that her
son was showing to the pervert.
    Shi opened the window and grabbed his clothes from the window sill. That
was when Angela realized that Shi was wearing her son’s clothes. She remembered
the wet clothes she had found in the bathroom and her insides squirmed. What
had they had done?! The worst sort of images came to her. She watched greedily
as the hateful boy swung his long legs out the window.
    “Be careful,” Vel urged, “Don’t slip.”
    Shi just grinned at him, then disappeared out the window, Vel sticking his
head out and watching him go, not seeming to care about getting wet. When he
pulled his head back in, his expression was devastatingly sad. She hated that
look on him even more than Vel’s concern for his ‘friend’. She felt like she
was looking at a complete stranger, not her son, not her Vel. This was not the
quiet, patient, obedient little boy that she had raised. It was like something
nasty had possessed him, had taken his form just to spite her. She heard about
it all the time on the news, good Catholic mothers finding out that their
children were… that way. They always said “that way”, but she knew what they
really wanted to say.
    Perverse, evil, sinful creatures no better than animals that had turned
their backs on God. They lived prideful, diseased lives while their good
mothers spent their lives praying for their salvation. It was always the same
story, some Godless boy or girl would lead these poor children astray, tainting
them, like how the Matthews’ boy had tainted her own child. She snorted
bitterly. Shi Matthews, with eyes so red, it was as though God Himself had
marked him as a warning to everyone, eyes like the devil. She had thought that
when she had first seen him, but hadn’t wanted to think such a thing about a
child.
    Vel pulled his window shut and sat on his bed, looking down at the floor.
Angela didn’t realize it, she couldn’t possibly have realized it, but Vel was
sitting where Shi had been sitting only minutes before, comforting his sudden
intense loneliness with the feeling of his best friend’s fading warmth. With
his right hand, he clenched his medallion, always hanging around his neck,
because it was the most familiar thing in his life, besides his family, but
compared to the warmth of the sheets he was sitting on, the gold was cold and
hard.
    Next to Vel’s door in the hallway was a window that looked out onto their
yard. Angela watched it to track Shi’s movements as he ran back to his house.
She almost hoped that a bolt of lightning would strike him down, but to her
disappointment, he made it back to his home without even slipping in the mud.
Finally, she let her fury consume her and shoved the door open. Vel flinched so
hard at the sound of his door hitting the wall amidst the silence between
thunder claps that he almost fell off the bed. Vel’s heart clamored in his
chest at the sight of his mother’s cold, severe stare.
    She had seen. He didn’t need to ask that stupid question. If she hadn’t
seen him kissing Shi, she wouldn’t look so angry. But what if she was just mad
that Shi had been in his room so late? He could hope for that. Yeah, he could
hope, but it was foolish thinking. As she looked at him like that, like he was
a piece of filth under his shoe, instead of her son, for the first time in
Vel’s life, he was actually afraid of his mother. But… he hadn’t done anything
wrong, had he? Kissing Shi wasn’t bad, it couldn’t be a sin. Nothing that felt
so right could be a sin.
    But then why did his mother look so furious? So disgusted? That was what
really hurt. He could take her anger, but her disgust… it made him feel like he
wasn’t even human. And if kissing his best friend wasn’t a sin, then why did he
suddenly feel horrible, like he had done something wrong? His body shook in
fear, his more primitive instincts screaming at him to run, but he couldn’t.
This was his mom. She wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. Even if she didn’t love
him like she used to, she wasn’t a bad person. Anything she did, she had to
have a reason for it. Even if she hadn’t been paying a lot of attention to him
lately, she still fed him and took care of him.
    “How could you?” she said accusingly, her voice almost a low growl.
    Lightning flashed through the window and onto his mother’s face, her
shoulder-length blonde hair, a little bit darker than his, turning white with
the harsh light. It made her look old. Old and tired. For a moment, guilt
struck him. Had he made her look that way? Had he done something so terrible
that he had drained her of her life? He had always believed that the divorce
had been his fault. His parents had stopped loving him. The way he looked had
put a wedge between them, making his father doubt his mother. If it hadn’t been
his fault, then his mother and father would treat Taka the same way they
treated him. He knew it was true because no one had ever told him differently.
He saw kids on TV thinking those same things, that a divorce was their fault,
but then their parents would assure them that it wasn’t, that they both still
loved them. No one had ever said that to him.
    “How could you do something so…” Angela couldn’t even finish the sentence,
feeling choked up in her anger.
    “Mom, I just-,” Vel tried to explain, tried to tell her how he felt about
Shi even as his throat was trying to close up in fear.
    “Shut up!” Angela snapped.
    Vel flinched, his fingers convulsively clenching his medallion and cutting
his finger on it.
    “Do you want to go to Hell?!” she demanded, his voice rising, “That must be
it, you want to go to Hell! Kissing another boy… Men don’t like other men in
that way! It’s sick! A perversion! Do you understand?! God will send you to
roast in the flames of Hell for this, Vesper!”
    “Pleaser don’t call me that,” Vel murmured, feeling like his mother’s anger
was literally stealing away his voice.
    He hated his name. Had always hated it, as soon as he had realized what it
meant. Morning Star. Bringer of Light. Something pure and beautiful. His father
had once told him that they had picked out a different name for him, but when
he had been born, his hair had been such a brilliant gold, and both of his eyes
had been that color, too, before his other eye had changed when he had grown
older. In Elementary School, Vel had had to look up the meaning of his name for
an assignment. He had read that ‘Vesper’ meant ‘Morningstar’, and had felt so
proud. But under that description had been one word: Lucifer. Ever since then…
he couldn’t bear to hear his full name.
    Both of his parents had brushed it off, saying that it didn’t mean
anything. His father had later explained to him that once, Lucifer had been a
beautiful angel, God’s favorite, and that was how he saw Vel. That had been a
very long time ago. How fitting was it that now his father couldn’t even look
at him? It almost made him laugh in bitterness. His father had loved him once,
just like how God had loved Lucifer, so maybe the name did fit. Now, seeing his
mother like this, it made him remember how concerned she had looked back then
when he had told them what his name really meant.
    As far as Vel was concerned, he had been blessed when Taka came along. It
had been his little brother who had given him the name ‘Vel’, because at the
time, he hadn’t been able to pronounce ‘s’. His mother knew how much his full
name bothered him, but right now, she didn’t seem to care. Or maybe she was
using it maliciously. He winced as his mother grabbed his hair and pulled him
to his feet, feeling her long nails scrapping his skin.
    “It’s because of you that your father left us!” she accused viciously.
    Vel looked up at her with wide eyes, hearing his own thoughts echoing back
at him, but they were painful coming from his mother.
    “He must have seen the evil in you!” Angela ranted, “That’s why he wanted
Taka, but refused to take you! He knew what you were! He left you with me to
punish me!”
    “Mommy, please…” Vel begged, tears forming in his eyes.
    His heart hurt. It throbbed as though something hard had struck it. How
could she say those things? He knew that she didn’t love him… but… why did she
have to say that? Even if it was the truth, couldn’t she let him pretend that
it wasn’t?
    “You’re evil,” she hissed at him, “An evil, dirty, perverted little boy!
You deserve to go to Hell! I wish that I had never brought you into this world,
then this family would have been spared! One less sinful devil in the world!”
    Vel started to cry then. He couldn’t help it. They just started to roll
down his cheeks, fat and hot and wet. Angela’s angry glare intensified and she
struck him across his face at the sight of those tears. Vel’s head whipped to
the side and a red bruise started to form on his pale skin, but it only made
him cry harder.
    “Stop crying!” she demanded, “Why are you so pathetic?! Only girls cry! But
I suppose that your kind do, too, don’t they? Do you think you’re a woman now?”
    Vel put a trembling hand to his wounded cheek and shook his head violently,
trying hard to stop his crying.
    “I’m not bad…” he whispered, “Please, Mom, I’m good, aren’t I? I didn’t do
anything bad, I promise…”
    Her son’s conviction that she had not sinned made her even more furious and
she struck him again on the same cheek. Vel backed away from her, his eyes wide
in shock at her violence, unable to believe that she had hit him, not once, but
twice.
    “You’re a whore,” Angela said, “Just like your father. So quick to just
give me up… he probably had a bitch on the side,” she spat, “So willing to walk
into the arms of sin, just like you! I see how that boy looks at you! I know
his kind! And you just followed him into perversion, but don’t think you can
fool me into thinking you’re an innocent, little lamb! So willing to walk into
the fires of Hell. Is it worth it, Vesper, is that little slut worth being
tortured for all eternity?! Is it worth the pain you have put me through?! To
see you kiss that bastard?!”
    Vel’s entire body was shaking in fear and emotional distress. He wasn’t
bad… he wasn’t bad… he had done everything she had ever wanted him to do… every
little thing… things he never wanted. He had wanted to play baseball with the
other boys, but his mother had wanted him to go to church. So, he had gone to
church. Had prayed when he had just wanted to sleep in. Had confessed to things
that he never wanted to tell anyone about when he had just wanted to watch
cartoons. But it hadn’t made her happy. It hadn’t made her love him. Worse… he
was going to go to Hell? To that place that made all the people in church quake
with fear? No… he was just a kid… he hadn’t done anything wrong… but his mother
had said that he had, and she knew about this stuff, the sin stuff.
    God hated him, just like his mother did. Just like his father did. Only Shi
loved him. Was that because Shi was bad, too? A saint couldn’t love a sinner,
right? No… that wasn’t right, Shi wasn’t bad. He loved him, too… but that was a
sin… Vel was vaguely aware of a sharp pain in his head from his rapid, swirling
thoughts. It felt like there was a storm in his head and in his heart. Was his
mother right? Had he been taking a one way path to Hell ever since he had met
the other blonde boy? Or was it Shi’s fault? Had Shi intentionally led him
astray? Even if it wasn’t intentional, Vel knew that he never would have
disobeyed his mother and now he was, because of his feelings for another boy.
    Being with Shi was bad. Loving him was bad. So, he was bad, and he was
going to burn forever for it. But how could he stop? Every time he saw Shi, his
heart burst with happiness and love. But if he loved Shi, then his mother would
never love him. He didn’t want to be the kind of man that women like his mother
would look down upon, would secretly laugh at and hate when they thought he
wasn’t looking or listening. Maybe Shi could take that, but he couldn’t. He
loved the other boy, but… but… one day, Shi would outgrow him. He would find
someone else to love. Shi was like that, always full of life, but Vel had
nothing. Shi had his family and a future, but all Vel had was his mother. If he
didn’t have her love, then what did that turn him into? He didn’t want to feel
this way for the rest of his life.
    His heart was splitting in two. He loved Shi. And he loved his mother. He
wanted to be a good boy, but he didn’t want to be alone. Then, a horrible
thought dawned on him. If he was going to Hell, then so was Shi. His heart
twisted in fear and self-loathing. He wouldn’t let that happen to either of
them. He couldn’t, could he? If he did, it would just be because of his own
selfishness, because he couldn’t give up the one ray of sunshine in his life.
But if he did, Shi would be saved and Vel would get what he had been wanting
for a very long time. Vel looked up at his mother, his tears stopping, but
still feeling like he was crying somehow.
    “I don’t want to go to Hell,” he whispered, “I don’t want to hurt you and
Taka anymore. I’ll do anything…”
    The anger melted from Angela’s face. If anyone else had been there, they
would have seen a sinister expression of triumph replace that anger, but Vel
only saw a softened, loving expression. The expression of a real mother. She
knelt on her knees in front of him, kissing his reddened cheek. It hurt, but
Vel didn’t care. It was the first time she had kissed him in many, many years.
His mother held him tightly and he rested his head on her shoulder, but instead
of feeling comforted in her embrace, he felt cold inside. He couldn’t
understand why.
    “Oh, Vel,” she soothed, “You are a good boy, aren’t you? Yes… that boy must
have led you astray… But that’s his fault, not yours. I’m sure that, if you
sever all ties to him, everything will go back to the way it was before. We
must punish the sin, not the sinner, as the good book says. If you do that, you
will surely save yourself.”
    Vel knew that he should feel relief at her words. There was still hope for
him. He didn’t have to go to Hell. He could make his family better again. But
he didn’t feel anything. There was a sharp pain in his chest, but that was all.
    “If I do that,” he whispered in a pained tone, “Will-”
    ‘You.’
    “-God love me again?”
    He felt his mother nod.
    “Of course He will,” she said softly, “Of course He will. You’ll do it,
won’t you?”
    It sounded more like an order than a statement to Vel. He could feel tears
streaming down his cheeks again and he knew that his mother could feel it, too,
with the way that they were wetting her shirt, but she didn’t hit him for it
this time. His heart felt like it was cannibalizing itself, eating and twisted
and decayed. He wanted to scream, scream, scream. There was something sick
inside of him, but he didn’t think it had anything to do with this sin that his
mother had told him about. It was different than that. He felt like this might
be what it felt like to die.
    “Yes.”



End Part 7
***** Part 8 *****
Chapter Summary
     Cree tells Shi about his uncle and his mother's past. When he tells
     Shi the reason why he has been hurting him, will Shi be able to
     withstand it, or it will it break him?
Poisoned Memories
Story 1

Author’s Note: I do not own Sally’s Song, sung by Amy Lee, or Alex Theme from
Silent Hill: Homecoming.

Part 8


//I sense there’s something in the wind
That feels like tragedy’s at hand
And though I’d like to stand by him
Can’t shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend
And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it’s not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I’d like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn’t last

And will we ever end up together?

And will we ever end up together?
No, I think not.
It’s never to become
For I am not the one.//


    Saturday morning, Shi was in a bad mood right from the moment that he woke
up. He had slept better after talking with Vel and his dreams had been less
unpleasant. It had almost seemed as if nature had been holding back her storm
last night, just for him, because as soon as he was safely back in bed, it had
gotten a lot worse, the wind ripping branches off of trees and the rain nearly
flooding their driveway. The grass and flowers in their yard had dissolved into
a giant puddle of mud. He knew that his parents would be spending their whole
weekend cleaning up the mess. He had been hoping that the storm would continue
all day Saturday, but when he woke up, bright light was shining through his
window and even before he opened his eyes, he could hear distant birds singing.
    Shi got out of bed with a frown and went to the bathroom down the hall. He
could hear both his parents downstairs in the kitchen and could smell bacon
cooking. He dug out a comb from the drawer in the bathroom and started to work
on his long hair, which was a complete mess from last night, between running
through the heavy storm and tossing and turning in his bed. He looked at his
reflection in disdain. He might have slept better after he had seen Vel, but he
still hadn’t gotten much sleep. His skin was too pale to hide the dark circles
under his eyes and he felt far too old to acknowledge the pain in his stomach,
a pain from fear and self-loathing.
    Maybe he had the first couple of times his grandfather had raped him. He
had told his mother how much it hurt and she had made him a milkshake. Such a
little thing… but it had felt so good, had tasted better than it ever had. But
it had been too long. He had been dealing with his grandfather for too many
Saturdays, so he ignored it, pretended that the tightness and ache weren’t
there. At this point, he was quite sure that the pain would never go away. They
had been doing this for over a year, and in a way, very little had changed. He
still felt the same way every time Saturday approached. He had gotten used to
those feelings, but the fear and anxiety never lessened.
    Shi finished with his hair and splashed water on his face. It didn’t help
with how he looked, but it woke him up a little bit. When he had, finally,
fallen asleep last night, it had been to the sound of thunder and he had hoped
that the lightning would keep Cree away for the weekend. But hope didn’t seem
to be enough anymore. He had been hoping for the past year for some peace and
had never gotten it. Instead, he had done something that hardly ever did: he
prayed. Shi didn’t exactly believe in all the God and prayer stuff. The only
times he prayed were in church, and that was mostly because everyone else was
doing it.
    Maybe, when he had been much younger, he had believed, a little, but after
all this time, God hadn’t done a thing to help him. If there really was a God,
he had thought often, would it really be so hard for him to give his
grandfather a stroke? Hell, he didn’t even have to die from it, just bad enough
that Shi never had to see him again. But Vel seemed to believe. His best friend
seemed pretty certain that there was a higher power, one that listened to your
prayers and hopes and fears, and helped you chose the right path. So, he had
prayed, hoping fixing a storm wasn’t such a big deal for something that was all
powerful. The clear, blue sky seemed to mock him.    
    Shi walked back to his room and quickly got dressed. Just one day, he told
himself. Just one day, then it will be Sunday and all the monsters of today
will be gone. They would leave their taint around him, but after awhile, they
would just be nightmares, things that could only hurt him when he slept. As Shi
pulled his t-shirt over his head, he heard the sound of Eirie running out of
his own room and down the steps. That sound reminded him why he had to go
through this every week, why his stomach hurt so much and why he couldn’t
sleep. It also reminded him of why it was so important to endure those things.
    At least he could blame his bad mood on what had happened earlier this
week. If he was quiet and restless, his parents would just assume he was
thinking about that kid he had killed. Shi still didn’t know how he was going
to handle school from now on. He was sure that all the kids would know what he
had done. Maybe most of the them would be too scared to say or do anything to
him, but not all of them. His school life was already miserable as it was. And
what about the therapy stuff? He was supposed to go this Thursday and he still
had no idea what he was going to say to Dr. Harris.
    His parents were so sad lately, especially his mother who tried so hard to
make everything ok. His father was more accepting and patient, but Shi could
tell that he was worried. And it was all his fault. They had figured out that
he was different, that the way he was acting meant that there was something
really wrong with him and were expecting that he would spill his guts to his
therapist. Sometimes, he could hear his mother walking around at night with
insomnia and often heard her and his father talking in hushed tones in their
bedroom. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he knew they were talking
about him. When he realized what he was putting his parents through, he
realized just how much they loved him and it made him want to tell Harris
everything.
    He wanted to tell her about the stomachaches, about the never ending fear,
about the guilt and how twisted up he felt inside, but every time he thought
about doing that, those things just felt stronger and stronger. It would be
nice, he thought, to let an adult take care of these things, to tell them the
truth and just let down his guard. He kind of felt like he was going insane. He
was on edge all the time, even when his grandfather wasn’t here. He just wanted
to give up, to scream at the top of his lungs that he was done, he was too
tired to keep this up. But he always did and always would. He had bottled
everything up for an entire year, he could handle it. As long as he had Vel,
Eirie, and his parents, he could stay sane and quiet.
    He wouldn’t tell Dr. Harris a single thing about his grandfather. He
couldn’t tell her. He wanted his parents to stop worrying and he had promised
that he would try to work things out, but that was one thing he could never
talk about. He could tell her about the other kids making fun of him at school.
He could tell her about how overprotective he felt towards his little brother.
He could even probably tell her about his feelings for Vel, but he couldn’t
tell her about the deal. She probably wouldn’t believe him and even if she did,
either way, Cree would hurt Eirie. Telling someone wasn’t going to make it
better, it would make everything worse. So why, when he thought about not
telling Harris, did his stomach hurt even more? If it didn’t matter, why did it
make him feel sadder? He didn’t want to disappoint his parents, but they
couldn’t know. They could never know. Even if he had to lie to Dr. Harris.
    “Shiiii!” Eirie screeched as he ran into the bedroom and wrapped his arms
around Shi’s legs, almost knocking Shi to the ground, “Waffles! Waffles!”
    Shi grinned down at the tiny redhead, feeling some of his anxiety
dissipate. Sometimes it was hard to remember why that silence was so important.
Against all the pain and dark thoughts, it was so hard to him to reason why he
had to suffer like this. But other times, it wasn’t so hard at all. Shi grabbed
his brother and swung him up in the air, tickling his sides a little. Eirie
screeched again, this time with laughter.
    “You little monster,” Shi teased, hugging his little brother tightly,
“Let’s go get those waffles.”
    Eirie nodded in agreement, letting his brother carry him down the steps. In
a few years, Shi wouldn’t be able to do this. Sure, he would be even taller by
then and would be able to carry him, no matter how much Eirie grew, but Eirie
probably wouldn’t let him. Eventually, his little brother was going to grow up
and would be too old to let his big brother treat him like a baby. It made Shi
sad, but it also made him cherish moments like this where he could coddle the
five year old. Sure enough, by the time they got downstairs, there was already
a stack of waffles waiting for them on the table. His mother was eating her own
and reading the newspaper as their father put more raw batter on the waffle
iron.
    Shi dropped his little brother into a chair and sat down next to him,
giving Eirie half of the stack of waffles. It would be enough for him, but Shi
would have at least three helpings before he got full. His dad would just say
that it was a sign that his body was growing, but Shi didn’t believe that. He
had always had a hearty appetite, even when he had been Eirie’s age. Even now,
when it felt like his stomach was a hollow cavern inside of him, twisting and
turning, he would still eat because the hunger got too much for him. His mother
put the newspaper down and smiled at him, then quickly frowned as she took a
good look at her oldest son.
    “Are you ok?” she asked, standing up and putting her hand against his
forehead, “You look a little pale, honey.”
    As his mother took her hand away, not finding a temperature, Shi clenched
his hands in his lap, but his expression didn’t change. He had gotten used to
not letting any of his feelings show. His stomach churned and he felt that
irritating little voice pick up again, taunting him with what would happen if
he told the truth for once. Would it be a relief, to just let go? Or would it
make things worse? Tell, tell, tell, it chanted at him. It made him feel sick
inside, torn in two between the dual images of his mother forgiving him and his
mother damning him. He gave her a tiny smile, the most that he could manage.
    “I’m just a little bit tired. The storm kept me up last night,” he lied.
    His mother got her smile back, but Shi felt little relief about it. He
looked down at his plate, feeling disgusted at himself. He was chicken shit. It
all came down to that, didn’t it? He was too much of a coward to tell his
parents the truth. They could protect Eirie, if they believed him, but he was
too scared of what they would say if they knew. He was too much of a coward to
deal with his grandfather, too. He should kill Cree before he had the chance to
hurt his brother, just like that boy with the lighter… No, no that was wrong!
He felt horrible about what he had done, so why was he thinking things like
that? Cree was his grandfather, not to mention scary as hell. Even if he could,
he never would. Cree was bigger and stronger and his mother loved him. He could
endure anything his grandfather did to him. He had to. Shi started to pour
syrup on top of each waffle, like he and Eirie always did.
    But he was tired. After a year of all of this lying and hiding, he was sick
of doing it. He was sick of himself. He just wanted it all to stop. Wouldn’t
that be wonderful? He just wanted it to stop, so he could breathe again. He
hated who he had become in this last year. He hated lying to his mommy and
daddy and he hated having this bitter-sweet feeling towards his brother. Shi
started to cut into his waffles violently, imagining that it was his
grandfather’s cock that he was shoving the dull blade in to, that the fluid
gushing out from under the knife wasn‘t syrup, but hot, thick blood. The image,
and his concentration, was broken as he felt his father put his hand on his
head, ruffling his hair a little, and put more waffles on to his plate.
    “I know you probably don’t feel like dealing with your grandpa right now,”
his father said.
    His mother gave his father a look, not really stern, but slightly annoyed,
but he knew that his father understood. His mother might love her dad, but
Shi’s dad didn’t like Cree very much. He shook his hand and was polite, but
didn’t interact with him more than that. If there was anyone who could
understand, maybe… maybe it was his daddy?
    “You’ve had a long week,” his father continued and his mother’s gaze
softened, finally seeing his logic, “I promise he won’t be here for long this
time. Your mom and I have been talking and we’ve decided that it would be best
for all of us if we don’t go out tonight.”
    Shi brightened at that. Was he getting a reprieve? Then, like his mood did
so often nowadays, it darkened again. Had his parents’ plans changed because of
him? He didn’t want to responsible for ruining their day out together.
    “You don’t have to change things for me,” he mumbled.
    He prepared his waffles with syrup and butter, then cut them up. He tried
to imagine that he was cutting into his grandfather’s creepy, orange-red eyes
this time, but it was hard to hold on to his anger and disturbing glee at
mutilating his grandfather’s flesh. He just felt kind of sad and let go of the
fantasy. His father smiled at him, though, and it made a little bit of that
sadness edge off.
    “It isn’t like that,” his father promised, “We want to spend time with you
today, not because you’ve done something bad and we want to keep an eye on you,
but because you gave us a real scare. We were afraid that you were hurt, and
you were. Not physically, but in a worse way. When something like that happens
to a child, parents have a hard time dealing with it. We are having a hard time
dealing with it. It isn’t your fault, Shi. We just feel that we should spend
this weekend as a family. With your mom and I going out every Saturday and
having to pull extra shifts lately, I know we haven’t been spending as much
time with you boys as we used to,” Jonathan shared a look with Anjaleque, her
nodding at him, “We’ve decided that we’re going to stay home for the next few
Saturdays, and maybe we’ll only go out every other Saturday. We just want you
to know that it isn’t because of what you did, it’s because we love you and
what happened made us realize that nothing is more important to us than you and
Eirie,” he sat down next to Shi, squeezing the tall boy’s hand, “Now, as you
both know, our yard is a wreck from the storm.”
    Eirie nodded in agreement. Shi wondered if Eirie had dared to run through
the mud this morning. He wouldn’t put it past the little boy. Eirie, like many
boys, and like Shi when he had been that age, liked mud and puddles and even
the earthworms that crawled to the surface after a good rain. That was the only
reason Shi could think of as to why Eirie had been awake before him, even on a
Saturday. The redhead was in no way an early riser and his hair looked
suspiciously damp, like he had had a bath, but it was too early in the morning
for that.
    “Well, it turns out that one of the trees in the backyard fell over last
night,” Jonathan informed them.
    Shi felt his heart race and looked alarmed by this. It had to have happened
sometime after he had come back to the house last night and had fallen asleep,
or he would have heard it. Their backyard ended right next to Vel’s family’s
property. All of their trees were older than their house. If one of them had
fallen… what if it had fallen on Vel’s house?! That was all he could think of,
Vel sleeping in his room and a tree falling on the roof, crushing him to death.
    “Where did it fall?!” he demanded.
    “It didn’t go anywhere near Vel’s, Shi,” his father promised and Shi
relaxed.
    Of course it hadn’t. If it had, his parents would have told him before now,
right? Was this what loving people made you feel like? His chest hurt and his
heart was still pounding. He didn’t like this feeling at all, or the complete
lack of sense.
    “It wasn’t a big tree,” his father explained, “It just fell on the fence,
but the fence and bits of the tree shattered. I have to go to the hardware
store for wood and a chainsaw to remove the tree. It’ll be cheaper than paying
someone to do it. I’m sure I can manage. Want to help?” he asked Shi with a
small grin.
    Shi nodded excitedly. He knew that there was no way his dad was going to
let him use the chainsaw, but he liked helping him with stuff like that. It
made him feel… well, connected to him or something, which was stupid since they
were related by blood anyway, but helping his dad out with chores and yard work
made him feel warm inside. Last summer, he had helped his dad put up a new
fence around the backyard. The old one had rotted during a bad rainstorm, like
the one last night, followed by several weeks of terrible humidity. The rot had
made the wood splinter in a few places and his dad had been worried about Shi
or Eirie hurting themselves on it. After much pleading, his father had taught
him how to use the nail gun and Shi had learned, to his surprise, that he was
actually really good at wielding the thing.
    He had figured out how to use it the very first time he had watched his dad
use it years back. He had always been good at stuff like that. Not learning by
watching, but tools and stuff. When he had gotten his current game console five
years ago, he hadn’t needed the help of his parents or a manual to get it
working. He had just looked at it and figured it out himself. It had been the
same with the nail gun. And no matter how many times he had used it, the nails
always went in exactly where his dad wanted them to be. He had always been good
at aiming and seeing things like that. It wasn’t a very useful skill, but it
had felt good when his father had ruffled his hair and had told him what a
great job he had done. It hadn’t been as fun painting the fence later on, that
was more Eirie’s thing, but he was still too young for real paint. It was kind
of sad that they had gone through all that work and they had to put up another
fence.
    “I don’t want you or Eirie near the fence unsupervised, ok?” Anjaleque
urged.
    She knew that Shi was a big boy. She had thrown a fit over the nail gun
thing and had been shocked watching Shi help his father put the new fence
together like a mini-adult, but she didn’t want him walking around back there
and stepping on a nail or something. She was probably just being paranoid, she
knew that, but she also knew that she would be worrying about her boys even
when they were grown-ups. To her relief, both of her children nodded. All she
needed was agreement from Shi. He was such a good boy, always respectful of
them, and he would look after his brother.
    “I’ll be gone for quite awhile,” Jonathan continued, “But your mother just
has to get some soil and fresh flowers to fix the front yard. She should only
be gone a couple of hours. We told your grandfather this, but he still insisted
on coming while your mother and I are gone. He’ll leave as soon as she comes
home.”
    Shi seethed at that. Of course Cree insisted on coming over, so he could
stake his claim or whatever. Couldn’t he give him some peace? Just one week
when he didn’t have to look into those hateful eyes or listen to his equally
hateful voice? He just wanted to be with his family. His real family. His mommy
and his daddy and his little brother. He didn’t care what his grandfather said.
He wasn’t his family. They might be related by blood, but he had learned in
this past year that blood wasn’t thicker than water.
    It wasn’t about who had given birth to whom. It was about love, how you
felt for someone. Cree might be his mother’s father, but as far as Shi was
concerned, he was a stranger. Maybe he had been conflicted about that. He had
thought that he should love him, but after his father had protected him in the
hospital and all the time they had spent together lately, he realized that
there was a huge difference between a father and a daddy and he wondered if
Cree had ever been a daddy to his mother. She deserved better than him. Loads
better! He had never met his grandmother, but there was no way his mother had
gotten any of her genes from her father! They were nothing alike. It was like
comparing an angel to barbed wire.
    “We’ll go out to dinner together tonight, ok, just the three of us,” his
father said.
    “Ok!” Shi said happily.
    He suddenly felt overwhelmed, but in a good way for once. He felt like he
was overflowing with something good and bright at his father’s words. It wasn’t
about having dinner together, or helping his dad make a new fence. It wasn’t
even about Cree’s visits lessening. He felt like, for the first time in a year,
something good was happening. Little good things had happened, but it had just
felt like with every day, things got a little bit darker. But now… there was
something around him that he couldn’t quite describe. He could feel it, that
something was changing, something was different and he wasn’t sure what it was,
but he couldn’t care less. As long as it was there. There was very little that
he wouldn’t give to have just one weekend to himself, with his family. He
didn’t know what the best things was, that time away from his grandfather, or
knowing how pissed Cree was going to be.
    Shi dug into his breakfast, suddenly feeling his appetite returning to him.
Two hours… it was enough for… that to happen, but that was ok. He could handle
that. It was always the after part, dealing with his grandfather knowing what
he had just done to him and pretending that everything was ok. That part always
killed him, over and over. Just two hours, then his mom would be back and Cree
would be gone… he could do this… so why did he have this weird feeling inside?
This bitterness? Maybe it was because… he suddenly realized how good things
should be. Maybe it was because, even with this warmth around him, he still
felt alone. Isolated. He still felt like screaming.

*****


    Things had been irritatingly normal and routine until Shi’s mother finally
told his grandfather that they would only need him to baby sit every other
weekend. He and Anjaleque had been laughing together, about something in the
past, long before Shi had ever been born, as Shi looked on with a blank
expression, just waiting, feeling like a mouse trapped in a hole as feline
claws moved closer and closer to him. Then, his mother opened her mouth and
informed his grandfather that she and his dad had decided to spend more time
with their kids. Cree would only need to baby sit every other Saturday. She
hoped that he didn’t mind. The room went icy cold. Shi was suddenly glad that
Eirie was upstairs, watching cartoons, as his grandfather’s eyes went from
affectionate and amused to hard as rocks and lost their warmth so quickly, it
was as though it hadn’t been there at all. Or, Shi thought bitterly, it had
been just an act. This was the grandfather that he knew, not the phony that
laughed with his mother and played with his little brother. That cold,
irritated look was the only real thing about the man.
    “Don’t be ridiculous,” Cree scoffed.
    Shi learned to hate the man all over again. That tone was one a parent
would use with a five year old, and while his mom was Cree’s daughter, it
sounded inappropriate even to Shi. It just felt disrespectful, like Cree
thought his mom and dad were just babies and didn’t have the sense to make a
decision on their own. His mother and father’s expressions hardened, too, but
there seemed to be something else there, something that Shi sensed, but
couldn’t name. It was almost as though his parents had been expecting this and
were disappointed, not shocked, but angry, too.
    “Go to dinner, Anna,” Cree ordered, “And don’t be foolish. There’s no
reason to change things just because Shi made a mistake.”
    Anjaleque bristled at her father’s words and even a stranger could tell how
angry she was. How dare he do this to her! She didn’t know what offended her
more, him using a nickname that only her husband used, him ordering her around
like she was still a teenager, completely disregarding her adulthood and
authority in front of her son, or the blatantly obvious way he was shoving all
the blame on Shi while trying to make it seem like Cree was the good guy here.
Why was he so upset about this anyway? Sure, her father loved his
grandchildren, but didn’t he get why they had made this decision? She folded
her arms over her chest and glared at her father. All at once, the reasons why
she had refused to talk to her father in nine whole years came back to her.
    “God, you haven’t changed at all, have you?!” Anjaleque snapped at her
father, “You still think I’m a little girl, that I can’t do things for myself!
I’m an adult, with a family of my own, not a child!”
    “Anna…” Cree said in warning.
    “Don’t call me that!” she demanded.
    Shi felt like punching the air. He knew that he shouldn’t be happy that his
grandfather and mother were fighting, but seeing his mother so angry at Cree
almost made him smile.
    “Why do you think I left home?!” Anjaleque pointed out, “Maybe a part of it
was Odin’s illness, but it was mostly because of you and your constant orders!
It’s no wonder why Odin got worse instead of better!”
    “Don’t you dare!” Cree yelled.
    Both Shi and Anjaleque flinched at his infuriated tone. Shi worried that
his grandfather might strike her and breathed in relief when his father stepped
forward, threatening Cree with his presence. Cree was bigger and more imposing
than him, but didn’t make a move.
    “You isolated him,” Anjaleque accused, “He did everything you ever asked,
followed every order, until there was nothing of him left! He couldn’t reach
out to anyone but me. I don’t think Mom left because of Odin, like you say. But
I was willing to give you a chance. You’ve been good with Shi and Eirie and
they need their grandfather. I thought you had changed, but if you think you
can bully me like you did before, you’re delusional!”
    Cree was silent and still as his daughter ranted at him. Shi wished that he
could read the man’s thoughts, to know if he was about to attack his mother or
not. A part of him wished that he would, so his parents would never let him
back, and another wished he was bigger, like his dad was, so he could protect
her. Suddenly, Cree’s fisted hands went lax and he lost the hard look in his
eyes, smiling lightly at his daughter, but Shi could tell that he was forcing
himself to stay calm. That smile was as fake as the curve of the lips on a dog
or crocodile. He narrowed his eyes at his grandfather, but no one was paying
attention to him. He hated him so much! He wanted to scream at his mother that
his grandfather was just faking it, that he was a great, big phony. He wanted
to tell her and his father about the kind of man that Cree really was.
    “I’m sorry, Anjaleque,” Cree apologized, rubbing the back of his head,
“You’re absolutely right. You aren’t a child anymore and I don’t have the right
to give you orders, or to expect you to obey them. I’ve tried to become a
better man, for your sake and my grandchildren’s, but it’s hard for me. You may
be a grown woman, but you’ll always be a little girl in my eyes. But… you’re
all I have left. Maybe you’re right about Odin. I know I didn’t handle his
illness well, I just felt alone and tried to do things by myself. Being with
Shi and Eirie has made me realize how much I’ve screwed up with you kids, and
how old I’m getting. Spending my Saturdays here makes me feel like I’m making
amends for the past, but I have no right to force myself on you or disagree
with your decisions about your family.”
    Shi grit his teeth in anger. He felt like he was going to explode. Cree was
lying through his teeth. Shi knew that the black haired man didn’t believe a
single word that was coming out of his mouth. What really hurt was that no one
else saw it, even his father! He didn’t know if being able to lie like that was
a talent or a sign of how deranged Cree was. Anjaleque shook her head.
    “No, Dad, I’m sorry,” she apologized quickly, “I shouldn’t have… exploded
at you. It’s just… things have been really hard lately. I shouldn’t have taken
that out on you.”
    She placed her hand on top of Shi’s head, smiling down at him. Shi couldn’t
find the strength to smile back. The only reason why they were having a hard
time was because of him. He could see it in his grandfather’s eyes, that
smugness. He had won again and not only that, he obviously thought that Shi’s
actions in killing that kid gave Cree some kind of power over him. Maybe it
did. He didn’t like how that thought made him feel at all. He felt unsure of
himself. How would Cree react to it once his parents were gone? Cree wasn’t
kind like his mom and dad were. He may say that he loved him and Eirie, but Shi
didn’t believe him. Maybe he had once, awhile back, because he had needed to
believe it. He had needed to believe that the man that had hurt him, more than
anyone else in the world had ever hurt him, wasn’t the boogieman, wasn’t evil.
    The people who loved you could hurt you, more than anyone else, because you
loved them so much. Hadn’t Harris said that? Her brother had hurt her, but he
had still loved her. He had wanted to believe that Cree loved him like he said
he did, because it made everything hurt less. Maybe, if he was alone and
isolated, he could continue to believe that Cree loved him. But how could he?
He had his best friend, his mother, his father, and his brother. All these
people loved him, but they had never hurt him like Cree had. Surrounded by the
people who really loved him, how could he possibly believe that his grandfather
truly loved him? People who loved you didn’t do things like this to you. What
Harris’ brother had done… he hadn’t meant to hurt her like that. What Cree was
doing was different. How could any adult do something like that to another
human being, not realizing that what they were doing was wrong?
    Hadn’t Harris said that what mattered was realizing that you were doing
something bad and feeling guilt about it? His grandfather didn’t feel guilty
about anything. He didn’t feel guilty about hurting his mother. He didn’t feel
guilty about threatening Eirie. He certainly didn’t feel guilty about raping
him. How could he possibly believe that… that such a person loved him, simply
because they said they did? Words were cheap. He wasn’t a child anymore and he
couldn’t believe that just because an adult said something, that meant it was
true. Adult lied, just like children lied. They thought they were better and
wiser, just because they were older, but they were just as stupid as kids were.
It hit him then, filling him with a solid revulsion that Shi was sure had
turned him white and bloodless. Adults lied… Cree lied… what else was Cree
lying about?
    Would he rape Eirie, even if Shi didn’t step out of line? Would this never
end? Was everything… was everything he sacrificed worthless? Was his sanity
worthless? His life? For the first time, he truly realized that there wouldn’t
be an end to this ‘deal’. He had thought about it, but in the back of his mind,
there had always been this thread of denial. Wasn’t that the reason why he had
told Vel that he loved him? Wasn’t that the reason why he had killed that boy?
All because he believed that he could protect his brother, that one day, he
would look back at this, like it was just a nightmare, and at that point,
everything would be fine. Everything would be perfect. Now… he wondered if he
would ever be able to look back. He wondered how long this would go in, if it
would truly end. He knew now, without any doubt, that Cree wouldn’t put a stop
to this.
    Above all else, he wondered why. He had wondered it before, but those
questions had been in the back of his mind, tainted by the fear of knowing the
answer to that question. Seeing that fake smile on his grandfather’s face and
actually seeing who he was and what he was doing to him for the first time, Shi
finally wanted to know the answer to that question. Why was Cree doing this?
What was the point? Was it to punish Shi’s mother for running away from home?
But that made no sense to him. His mom was never going to find out, so she
would never be hurt by it. Maybe it just made Cree feel smug and superior. But
that just seemed too… simple. He didn’t want it to be that simple, to be the
victim of an arrogant… smug… asshole. But maybe it was even simpler than that.
Maybe his grandfather was just… bad. Maybe it was more complicated. Maybe Cree
liked to hurt people. Maybe he liked little boys and Shi was just an easy
target, but Shi really didn’t think that was the case.
    “You two should go,” Cree said, putting his hand on his daughter’s arm, “If
I have the time, I’ll help you around the yard,” he nodded to Jonathan.
    Jonathan nodded back to him.
    “Thanks, Cree,” he said, but his tone was flat and insincere.
    Cree didn’t seem to notice his son in law’s hesitance in having his help
and Shi really wish that he had taken the hint. He glared bitterly up at the
black haired giant. This was his and his father’s project, not Cree‘s. His
grandfather had no right to intrude on it. Shi just wanted him to leave the
second that his mother came back from the store. Jonathan was thinking the
exact same thing as his son. He knew that Anna wanted him to get along with her
father, but he still hated the man. Things had been fine at first. Anjaleque
had been in tears of happiness when her father had shown up. Eirie, even now a
year later, was too young to really get what was going on. All he knew was that
his granddaddy brought him toys when he visited and nothing had changed, so
there was no reason for him not to like his grandfather. Maybe he would, when
he was older and understood what Cree had done to his mother, like Shi could.
    Shi… the way his first child acted around his grandfather was complicated
and, at times, strange. When Cree had first visited, Shi had been reluctant,
but had tried to warm up to the man. By the time he and Anna had left for
dinner, Shi had seemed more curious than hesitant towards Cree. Now, the tall
blonde almost… well, he almost seemed to resent his grandfather’s mere
presence. Jonathan often wondered if he should bring the subject up with Anna.
He wondered if she even realized the patterns that he had, like how sick and
anxious Shi got on Friday nights and Saturday mornings. He didn’t think it
actually had anything to do with Cree, but it was strange. Shi acted so cold
towards the man and seemed to pull away emotionally whenever they talked about
Anna’s father.
    Maybe Shi understood, more than they thought he did, the real reasons why
his grandfather had stayed away for so long. Maybe he resented his grandfather
for it as much as his mother did, for himself and for her. Shi was so often
like that. He was far too mature for his age and strongly empathetic,
especially when it came to his family. Even before Eirie had been born, Shi had
been hugely protective. He hadn’t always understood why Anna and himself had
been upset by things, but he picked up on their feelings easily. Too easily.
Most children would ignore it, convinced that their parents would take care of
anything wrong. When they got older, they realized that their parents weren’t
infallible, but Shi had always gotten just as upset as they had been.
    Jonathan and Anjaleque had both heard compliments from adults about how
lucky they were to have a boy like Shi, so mature, so obedient, so different
from the other hyper, rowdy boys his age. And it was nice… sometimes. They
could trust him with important things, like the power tools and taking care of
Eirie. It was easy explaining things to Shi, because he thought more like an
adult sometimes than a child. But… many times, especially lately, Jonathan had
started to think that it might be easier if Shi was more like those other boys.
He could be wild and hyper, but there was always a part of him that was
subdued, like he had a handle on his behavior. He got sad sometimes, in a way
that no ten year old should, and thought about troubling things. It was as
though, day by day, Shi’s childhood was slipping away from him. It was hard
dealing with that. Maybe that was a selfish thing to think, but sometimes it
hurt, seeing Shi so responsible and quiet, knowing that a boy his age shouldn’t
act like that.
    Maybe that was what the problem was. Maybe Shi was just growing up too fast
and he had realized it. Maybe he was starting to realize what the real world
was like, far before his time, and was acting out because of it. But, if that
really was the reason, then why hide it from them? Why did Shi act like he had
this huge secret that he couldn’t possibly talk about? If it was as simple as
that, why not tell them when he was in hospital? No… he didn’t think that the
reason behind Shi’s recent behavior was so simplistic. As he and Anjaleque left
their house, they didn’t notice the depressed, hopeless look on Shi’s face the
second that their backs had turned. If they had, they would have been alarmed
at how close to tears he seemed, and puzzled as to why they wouldn’t fall. They
also didn’t see the pleasant façade slip from Cree’s face, replaced by
something hard and calculating, like a porcelain mask, held only by delicate
ribbons that were too fragile for the weight of the mask, falling from the face
of a doll and breaking.
    The door closed behind his parents and Shi felt his heart sink somewhere
deep into his stomach. It was like all those other times. He felt colder, and
tight all over. There was a childish part of himself that made him look at the
door in desperation, pleading for his parents to walk back through, to save
him. But the part of him that understood how things were now, understood that
things weren’t like on TV or how they told you in school, knew what was going
to happen and that his parents weren’t going to stop it. They weren’t even
going to know… He felt his grandfather grip his shoulder harshly, not even
caring about how strong he was. No… Cree wasn’t even trying to pretend that he
wasn’t doing this out of spite this time around. Sometimes he was nice, almost
gentle, and in those times, Shi wondered if the man actually did care for him.
Other times, Shi knew he wanted to hurt him. He liked those times. He liked
knowing who his grandfather was and knowing where they stood.
    It was strange. When Cree had first raped him, he had thought that that was
the worst of it. That feeling him inside of him, that pain and humiliation,
would be the thing that he would dread the most. But that wasn’t it. Yeah, it
hurt and he felt like throwing up, but it was also ok, because he knew it was
bad, he knew it was wrong, and he could understand it. It was the part after,
when everything that was over, that was so much worse. Everything became
silent, even his own thoughts. Sometimes… even his heartbeat, which had been
racing only minutes before. Maybe some people would call it the calm after the
storm, the settling of the wind and harsh forces, but it wasn’t that, not
really. It had never been like that.
    When he felt Cree leave, when he heard him zip up his pants and the sound
of his empty footfalls walking away, he had never felt like things were
settling. It was more like the eye of the storm. Everything was so quiet and
still, but he could feel the rawness around him, the violence, and all he could
do was wait for the storm to come again. It was that anticipation and anxiety
that made him feel sick to his stomach. Because he knew that there was nothing
he could to escape it and the next wave was inevitable, but there was still
some tiny part of him that hoped that he was wrong. Even if he never was.
Afterwards was painful because, on the surface, it seemed like things were back
to normal. There was that quietness, and Cree was gone. It was just him and his
family, which was as close to normal as things could be, but he wasn’t an
idiot. He knew that he couldn’t mistake stillness for peace.
    He hated afterwards because it felt so wrong. Cree left, but he didn’t, not
really. Things never quite went back to normal, which made the routines of his
life, going to school, saying goodnight to his parents, all seem so wrong. He
wondered which was worse, those deadly quiet moments right after Cree left his
home, or moments like now, right before the rape. The waiting. The knowing. It
was more anxiety. The familiar walls of his house seemed to turn dark and
uninviting and there was this hole in his stomach that wanted to swallow him
alive. He had waved his parents goodbye with a fake smile on his face and he
knew that having to pretend that everything was fine was the worst part, either
before or after.
    Cree shoved him forward. Neither one of them said a word to the other. Shi
knew where Cree wanted him to go and stumbled towards the kitchen, just
thankful that his brother was still upstairs. He never could deal with Eirie’s
questions in moments like this. Sometimes Cree would answer for him, which was
fine, even if his grandfather talking to his brother made his hair stand on end
and anger fill his stomach, making him feel ill. It was better than trying to
grab at some kind of excuse, some illusive strength when he just felt like
crying. He walked quickly to the door in the kitchen that led outside, not
wanting to get shoved again. He felt relieved when Cree followed him out,
closing the door behind him. Eirie was still too short to reach the door
handle, so he was stuck inside.
    Just like his dad had said, the backyard was a wreck. Like the front, the
once grassy ground had turned into a soupy mixture, hard to walk in with Shi’s
bare feet. Because of his height, his feet sunk into the mud frequently, but he
continued to trudge toward the shed. The white, wooden gate that led to the
field behind their house was still intact, but feet away from it was the tree
that had crushed the fence. There were large shards of wood everywhere, both
from the fence and the tree. It made the area look chaotic and Shi made sure to
steer clear from the wood as he walked and opened the heavy, ancient door of
the shed with a loud creak. He felt Cree follow after him, not saying anything
about the state of their yard. Shi doubted that Cree cared.
    He hated the shed. According to his dad, it had been here before they moved
and looked like it was older than the house, but that could just be because the
previous owners hadn’t taken care of it. At some point, it had been painted a
boring gray color, but age had peeled the paint off in strips, leaving only a
few bits of faded gray here and there. All three windows were filthy and one of
them was cracked. There was so much grime and dust on them that though the sun
was shining brightly, only the barest amount lit the inside of the shed. There
was a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, of course, but Shi didn’t
turn it on. He didn’t want there to be a lot of light in here. Too many weird
shadows.
    Besides, he doubted that it worked anyway. His dad didn’t come out here
often and had given up taken care of the shed awhile back. They just used to it
for storage and there wasn’t much in it. Some wood, an old lawnmower, stuff for
fishing when summer came again, and plastic buckets for when his dad had to
clean leaves and gunk out of the gutters. It smelled, too. Like old things and
dust. The floor creaked heavily as he walked, kind of like the sound your neck
made when you cracked it.
    “Take your pants off,” Cree barked at him as he closed the door behind him
with a creaking slam.
    As Shi unbuttoned his jeans and pulled the zipper down, he was suddenly hit
with the ridiculousness of all this. What sort of person liked this kind of
thing? If he had been in his grandfather’s place and after nine long years, his
daughter had finally allowed him back into her life, he would bend over
backwards to make sure he never hurt her again. Instead, he had done this. And
why? That part killed him. There had to be a reason. After everything he had
suffered, all the pain and the silence and the secrets, there had to be a
reason. Something important, something that made sense. There had to be a point
to this. He couldn’t believe that his grandfather could enjoy doing this, could
enjoy inflicting pain, without gaining something from it.
    He worked his jeans and underwear down his legs and threw them into a
corner, not caring where they landed or if they got dirty. He got on his knees
on the dusty, wood floor, just barely worrying about splinters and rusty nails.
He folded his arms in front of him on the floor and buried his face in them.
For some reason, closing his eyes when this happened made it just a tiny bit
more bearable, but he had no idea why that was. He heard the loud sound of a
zipper being pulled down and the boards creaked again behind him from a heavy
weight. Though his arms over his eyes blinded him, he squeezed them tightly
closed anyway. He let the buzzing in his head slowly turn to thoughts of after.
Usually, that was little to no comfort to him, thinking about what he would do
when the sex part was all over, but right now, he clung to it desperately.
    He wondered if he could really go out to dinner with his parents tonight,
look them in the eye, after this. It shouldn’t be too hard. He did it all the
time. Sure, he usually had an hour or two between before he had to do that, but
it didn’t really make much of a difference. He wondered if his mother would
come home early. He wondered if Cree would make this quick or slow this time.
He wondered if his mom would find them out here. The thought made him shiver a
little. He tried to imagine her yelling at him about it, maybe she would hit
him or just shake her head and be silent. That would be the worst. But, for
some reason, even after a year of being sure that his parents would look down
at him for all of this, he couldn’t imagine her kind face turning into
something cruel, something… something like Cree.
    Shi opened his eyes again and lifted his head up slightly. He felt one of
Cree’s large hands touch his bare back and he flinched. He shied away from the
hand and tucked his legs under his body, sitting upright. He heard his
grandfather’s irritated growl, but didn’t care. Suddenly, though he couldn’t
understand why at this very moment, he felt like there was something inside of
him that was cracking and breaking away. He didn’t know what to think anymore.
His mother loved him, his father, too. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t have tried
to protect him at the hospital. If they had protected him then, then why he did
he believe, with such conviction, that they wouldn’t protect him from Cree? He
didn’t think that poorly of them. They weren’t bad parents, not at all, so why
this feeling deep inside that they would hate him if he told?
    Cree was his mother’s father, but she had gotten so mad at him today, so
easily. Didn’t that mean something? But, if he told, Cree would just hurt
Eirie, so why did it matter? And besides, he had consented to this, right? So
he was just as much to blame as Cree, wasn’t he? If killing that kid had taught
Shi anything it was that he was capable of doing the most horrible things to
protect the people he loved. If he told, it would just hurt everyone. It
wouldn’t help anything. There was something deep in his heart that told him
that. But instead of instilling conviction and purpose in him like it had in
the past, it just filled him with rage. He didn’t want to do this anymore. He
didn’t want to be responsible or mature. He didn’t want to keep lying to his
parents. He didn’t want to be so miserable and bitter and angry all the time.
But he couldn’t feel any other way. And the fact that telling his parents about
all this crap wouldn’t even make it better was beyond frustrating.
    
    //It started long before me
    I never saw it coming//

    “Why?” Shi murmured out loud.
    
    //The distance, the promise
    A state of isolation//

    He couldn’t even blame Cree because he couldn’t understand why. Why had
this happened? Sometimes, that day was so clear in his mind, everything that
had happened, everything Cree had said. But sometimes, it was hard to remember,
too. Had there been something he should have said or done to change things?
Could he have stopped this?

    //And in my darkest nightmare
    Things that I can’t remember//

    He didn’t know what would be worse, knowing that he could have changed
things, or the knowledge that nothing mattered, that he was useless. Shi looked
back over his shoulder at Cree, who was still kneeling behind him, looking more
cold and lifeless than angry. No… not lifeless. Even when his grandfather was
silent, he exuded this raw power, like a grizzly bear or a dark closet to a
little kid.
    
    //The answer is drowning, this pain will last forever//

    “Why are you doing this to me?” he begged, his voice tight and near
choking.
    To his shock and anger, Cree laughed and sat on the floor, looking amused
by Shi’s question. Shi turned to face him and he was quite sure that his
grandfather could see his anger, but his reaction to Cree’s laughter only
seemed to amuse the black haired man further, which in turn pissed Shi off even
more. A vicious cycle, like two dogs circling each other, every now and then
taking bites at each other and drawing blood, which only made them more
aggressive towards each other. Cree reached out and trailed his knuckles over
Shi’s cheek, making him flinch, then cupped his cheek with that same hand.
    “You’re just like her,” Cree murmured, stroking his grandson’s cheek
lightly with his thumb, “Your mom. The two of you are exactly the same. You
might look like that bastard father of yours, but the rest is all hers.”
    Shi could swear that Cree sounded proud of that. Just a little while ago,
he could also have sworn that his grandfather was about to hit his mother, so
how he could sound like that confused the hell out of him. Cree confused the
hell out of him. He always had, from the second that Shi had come home from
school to find the strange man talking to his mom in his kitchen. Maybe he
could be sure that pride was what he was hearing, if he wasn’t bristling from
his grandfather’s obvious hatred for his dad. The man’s thumb stroking his
cheek was strange. It was an affectionate gesture, but that was a lie. It
wasn’t kind. Cree’s hand was cold and rough. It felt more like Cree was
threatening him, or like he thought he was a doll.
    “It took you over a year just to ask me that,” his grandfather chuckled
again, his voice nearly mocking, “Such an important question, and it took you
this long. Just like her. Anna never could stand up for herself. She would
rather be in pain than cause waves, so unlike her big sister. I didn’t order
Anna to take care of Odin because she was there, I ordered her to do it because
I knew she would never say no.”
    Shi looked up at him in confusion. He had no idea what his grandfather was
talking about, at the same time that his confession about manipulating his own
daughter infuriated him. He wanted to cold cock the son of a bitch, but knew he
never would. He was too much of a coward to do it, even if he would love to see
Cree in pain. He had too much to lose. Cree would probably hit him back, which
would leave a bruise, which his mother would ask questions about. Or worse. He
would take it out on Eirie. Shi felt like a dog on a leash. He couldn’t do a
thing to Cree, he couldn’t even be his self, as long as the red-orange eyed man
was holding his brother’s health over his head.
    Cree was wrong. His mother wasn’t a coward like he was. She wasn’t afraid
to stand up for what she believed in. She stood up for him and Eirie all the
time, if she stayed quiet about something, she had to have a good reason for
it, he was sure of that. And even if she had been too scared to stand up for
herself, Shi was sure that it was all Cree’s fault. He couldn’t blame his
mother for being scared of the same man that terrified him. He didn’t know much
about his mother’s family history. He knew more about the fight that had caused
his mother to not talk to her family for nine years than about who his
grandfather really was, which was saying a lot since he knew almost nothing
about what the fight had really been about.
    He knew that the fight had been all of his grandfather’s fault. He knew
that because the last time his mother had talked to him on the phone before
Cree had shown up at his house, she had ended the call in tears and screaming.
In Shi’s experience, the only person that could get his mother yelling like
that without Shi or Eirie being involved was his grandfather. He hadn’t
understood back then, three years ago, watching his mother burst into tears in
the kitchen, why she had been so upset, but he knew now. He knew that his
grandfather had done something, something that had involved his mother’s older
brother, Odin, something that had made his mother hate her father to the extent
that she refused to let him back into her life unless he had changed in some
way.
    The question was… had Cree changed? Was the man that had forced him to
chose between himself and his brother the same man that had pushed his mother
away for whatever reason all those years ago? Had he gotten worse, better, or
was he exactly the same? Obviously, Cree had changed, if he could fool his
mother into thinking that he had. The man had learned how to lie, not how to be
a good father. His grandfather’s dry laugh was grating to his ears.
    “She never told you, did she?” Cree asked, with a smugness that made Shi
struggle with the frighteningly powerful urge to punch the man, “I can’t say
I’m surprised. She always was ashamed of it.”
    This time, Shi couldn’t stop the glare in his anger. His mother had
absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. He didn’t care about what had happened
back then, his mother was kind and wonderful. No matter what had happened,
there was no reason for her to feel that way. If she did, he knew that it was
his grandfather that had made her feel that shame. Cree wasn’t like his own
father, who was trying so hard to make Shi feel better after what he had done,
and he was sure that his mother wasn’t even half as guilty as he was. Cree gave
his grandson a hardened look at his red-eyed glare and Shi thought he might
strike him, then the man smirked at him again, even more amused than before.
    “Yeah,” Cree remarked, “She used to look at me like that, too. Who knew
that such a thing like a glare was genetic? It’s rather fascinating, actually.
Your little brother may look exactly like her, but you are her. She hated me,
too. I could see that, as clear as day. She hated me so much, but she did
everything I told her without question, just like you, even though it made her
miserable. Ursula got married and left home when Anna was just a child. Their
mother left right after Odin got sick. She couldn’t handle her
responsibilities. To me, or to her son,” he said with angry bitterness.
    That made a few things clearer for Shi. His mother never really enjoyed
Aunt Ursula’s visits. They talked about their childhood and their current
lives, as well as mundane things that kids had no real interest in like the
weather and their circle of friends, but his mother seemed so reserved during
those conversations. She always looked happier when her older sister left and
now Shi knew why. His aunt had left his mom alone, to have a family on her own,
which was ok, he guessed, but he bet that Ursula hadn’t done much to support
his mother when she was still living with their father. It made him wonder
about his family.
    His aunt reminded Shi a lot of his grandfather. She was tall and pale and
her knee-length hair was as pitch black as his. Her eyes were a dark brown, not
red-orange, but she was cold and could be condescending, but not outright
offensive, which made it impossible to protest her behavior, just like Cree.
The way the two of them would talk to you, you could tell they were being cruel
and nasty, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it, and if you did call
them on it, they would just say that you were over-reacting. He wondered if his
uncle had been like that, or if he and his mother had anything in common with
his grandmother. This was actually the first time he had heard anyone talk
about her in years.
    Every now and then, on his birthday and Christmas mostly, Shi and Eirie
would get cards from their grandmother with money, or large packages filled
with gifts, so Shi knew that she was alive and probably still cared about his
mom, or she just felt guilty. But didn’t that meant that she cared, too? Still,
his mom didn’t talk about her much, only that she loved them and couldn’t be
with them. Now that Shi had met his grandfather, he wondered if it was because
of her husband or because she just couldn’t face her daughter. He wanted to be
angry at her for just leaving his mom alone with her dad, but he knew so little
about his grandmother and what had happened, why she had left, that it was hard
to find any kind of feeling about it.
    It was the same with his Uncle Odin. Before he had met Cree, he hadn’t even
known that he had had an uncle. Cree had said that Shi reminded him of Odin,
but what did that even mean? He also knew that Odin was dead, but not why or
how. When he had asked, his grandfather had just said that it was ancient
history. Why was everyone being so secretive about it? Cree had said that he
had ordered his mother to take care of her brother, but if he had been so sick
that he had died from it, why would any parent trust something like that to
their kid? But, if his mother did feel guilty about letting her brother down,
he could certainly understand it. Every day since he had made this deal with
his grandfather, he felt like he was letting Eirie down. He could never do
enough to make sure that his little brother was safe, he was helpless. All he
could do was trust that his grandfather would keep his word, and considering
how cruel the man could be when he was angry, he couldn’t trust him to even do
that much. If Eirie had gotten sick and his parents had entrusted Shi to care
for him, and Eirie had died… Shi wouldn’t have forgiven himself.
    “How… how did he get sick?” Shi asked tentatively.
    He hated trying to have any kind of conversation with his grandfather. It
was like trying to pet a stray dog. You never quite knew if it was going to wag
it’s tail, bark, or try to bite you. Cree didn’t hit him all that much, and if
he did, it was never anywhere that his parents would notice, mostly his
stomach, but he would grab him hard enough to bruise, twist his arms until his
muscles were painfully strained, or pull his hair. Little things that hurt and
angered him, but he could never protest against.
    To Shi’s complete shock, Cree’s expression to his question wasn’t anger for
having been interrupted, or even subtle cruelty towards his dead son, it was a
deep, aching sadness. The man looked devastated. He looked like… like a father
who had lost a son, not a monster reveling in someone’s pain. For the first
time since he had shown his true colors, Cree looked human. For the first time,
Shi felt bad for him. It was the worst feeling, even worse than his rage at
Cree’s deal with him. He didn’t want to feel sorry for him. He didn’t want to
see his grandfather as just that, his grandfather. A real person and not the
symbol for everything that was wrong with his messed up life. If Cree was sad
that his son was dead, Shi didn’t want to know about it. It wasn’t fair. He was
supposed to hate him, and now there was this strange splinter in his heart.
    “He was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was fifteen,” Cree murmured
with a far off look and Shi knew that he was remembering something painful.
    His uncle had gone crazy? He had been thinking that it must have been
cancer or something, not insanity. But then how had Odin died? And was it
genetic? He didn’t know all that much about schizophrenia. He didn’t even know
how to spell it. He knew that it was just as awful as cancer and just as
incurable, but the idea that insanity could be genetic was powerful to him. And
was it really that hard to believe? He had just had a psychotic break and his
uncle had been sick, too. Were those things related? And then there was his
grandfather… before now, he would have definitely believed that it was all
connected.
    There were sociopaths, right? People who were logical and could interact
with everyone else, like everyone else, but deep down inside, there was still
something wrong with them. They were cold and numb, but could also be violent.
And they were manipulative, able to twist another person’s emotions, even
though they didn’t feel them themselves. Until now, he would have said that
that described his bastard of a grandfather perfectly. But, a real sociopath
couldn’t look like that, could they? He supposed that anyone could fake looking
sad, if they knew what it looked like, but that wasn’t what this was. Cree had
absolutely no reason to look like that. That look wasn’t part of the strange
game that they played together, the constant pulling and pushing, Cree doing
something to humiliate or anger Shi and Shi holding everything in, pretending
to be nothing more than an inanimate object in his grandfather’s line of
vision, because fighting back wasn’t just dangerous, it was pointless.
    Knowing that his grandfather could feel such a deep and unquestioning thing
like love wasn’t even a slight comfort to Shi. If Cree didn’t feel anything, if
he just liked to manipulate and cause pain, then his reasons would be obvious
and Shi could understand his actions. As horrible as they were, they would make
sense. Seeing him look like that, it just made the question of why drill deeper
into Shi’s brain. Now that that question was out there, floating about in the
air, he needed to know the answer more than ever.
    “That’s when people hear and see things that aren’t there, right?” Shi
asked cautiously.
    Cree nodded absently, as though he wasn’t really paying attention.
    “He became convinced that everyone was trying to hurt him, his friends, his
teachers, our neighbors… me…” his tone was hesitant and rough.
    Shi narrowed his eyes at the man. He wondered how much of that was even due
to his uncle’s illness, or if Odin had realized that his dad wasn’t the guy
that he claimed to be. Had Cree hurt his own kid? Or had it all been in his
head? Maybe Cree had only become a bastard after Odin had died. He supposed
that that was possible, but it seemed like a huge coincidence to him that his
uncle had gone crazy and had accused his own father of trying to hurt him, when
all Cree had done to him since he had met was made him hurt.
    “He got into fights at school all the time,” his grandfather continued, “We
thought he was just… being himself. When he said that he was just trying to
protect himself from his classmates, we thought he was lying to cover up his
own faults.”
    With that single statement, Shi felt an affinity and connection with a man
that he had never met, a man who had been dead for many years now. He had
punched that kid out over a picture that Eirie that had drawn. He felt angry
all the time and he knew, without even an ounce of doubt that if he didn’t have
Vel in his life, a best friend who kept him sane, calm, and out of his messed
up head, that kid wouldn’t have been the only person he had punched in the
face. He didn’t think that everyone was out to get him. As long as his
classmates left him alone, they were just moving lumps to him. He didn’t even
care if they existed or not. But all that was because of Cree, not because he
was sick, right? Or maybe he was. How the hell could you tell something like
that?
    Just how much of how he was feeling and acting lately was similar to how
his uncle had felt back then? How much of it was Cree’s fault or something
else? How close to being legitimately crazy was he? The thing was, he was
paranoid. He didn’t believe that the people in his life would hurt him like his
uncle had, but he was terrified of someone hurting his brother. It consumed his
thoughts almost every minute that he wasn’t hanging out with Vel. He didn’t see
or hear things that weren’t there, but he had blacked out and had done
something terrible. How close to that was schizophrenia? How alike were him and
his late uncle?
    “When he beat up three kids in his gym class, the school forced him to see
a therapist,” Cree said bitterly, as though he found the idea of someone
forcing his son to get help offensive, “It only took one session for them to
diagnose him. They loaded him up with pills, which just made him quiet and
depressed. Three months later, we had to take him out of school permanently. He
had stabbed one of his teachers in the neck with a pencil when she touched his
arm and the principal refused to let Odin come back. His mother started to home
school him, but she left only a few weeks after that. Anjaleque was good for
him, though. He would help her with her homework, but when he got sicker, she
had to take care of him more than him her. He wouldn’t take his medicine unless
she was the one giving it to him. No one could figure out why he trusted her
instead of his doctors or the rest of his family. He wouldn’t even leave his
room. But perhaps that was for the best. After awhile, he just got violent…”
    “Why didn’t you just take him to the hospital?” Shi accused, angry that his
grandfather had put such a serious responsibility on his mother’s shoulders, it
was no wonder why she had hated Cree for so long, “You were their Dad!”


//My father
His duty
His orders//


    “He was sick and Mom was just a kid. They needed you! They needed their dad
to help out and keep the family together, and you just forced Mom to be the
adult! You turned your back on them!” Shi snapped at him, “Did you think about
Mom at all? Did you love her, even a little bit? Or was she just convenient so
you didn’t have to deal with it?! It’s no wonder why she didn’t want anything
to do with you for nine years, you treated her more like a live in nurse than
your daughter! You didn’t deserve her!”
    It was stupid. Really, really stupid. It was foolish enough insulting his
grandfather back when he had thought the man was a cold, heartless bastard, but
now that he knew that Cree had feelings just like everyone else, even if they
were messed up, it made things a thousand times worse. If Cree could get sad,
then he could get pissed, too. He realized those things in the back of his
mind, but didn’t care at the moment. All he could think of was how Cree had
screwed their family up and how little the man realized it, or maybe he just
didn’t care. His grandfather hadn’t just isolated his mother and forced her
into a dangerous and taxing situation, he had also neglected his son, too. He
hadn’t even tried to get him help or try to understand Odin’s problems. Cree
was so damn pompous about everything, but he was an idiot if he thought that he
had ever been a good father!
    His rage was boiling over, filling him in a way that never had before, like
a living organism inside of his gut. It clouded his caution over with a deep
hate, making him feel sick and vindictive. Vaguely, it reminded him of the
anger he had felt when he had seen that kid try to set Eirie’s hair on fire.
That feeling that he needed to act, to protect something he loved, and the
immense lack of justice strangled his heart. There was a part of him that
wanted to beat down his grandfather like he had that kid, even though he was
scared of going into that mindless, enraged state again. He still felt
paralyzed with fear, even though he couldn’t control the words that came
screaming out of him. Cree backhanded him across his face, splitting Shi’s lip.


//My brother…
The promise…
The breaking…//

    The rare times that Cree struck him, he did it with a great deal of
control, to inflect a very specific kind of punishment, just pain instead of
real injury. This time was completely different. This blow was from fury, with
absolutely no control. Cree hit him as hard as he could, sending sparks of
sharp pain through Shi’s lip, cheek and eye on his left side as he fell back,
his head slamming into the hard, wooden floor. For a brief, terrifying moment,
Shi lost his vision. It wasn’t fuzzy or unclear, but rather pitch black for
several seconds and when it started to come back, it was a warm red at first
before clearing.
    His head throbbed as soon as his vision came back to him and he could feel
hot blood dripping down the back of his neck and his chin. He didn’t know what
hurt more, the back of his head or his eye, the left side of his face feeling
terribly swollen, but he could see out of that eye, so he knew that it really
wasn’t. The blow had been shockingly violent and Shi struggled to catch his
breath. He had gone too far, he realized. He suddenly feared that Cree wouldn’t
just stop with striking him and tried to sit up again. His hands slipped on the
bloodied floor, feeling confused and weak, but managed to right himself again,
rubbing his eye with his shaking hand and staring at his grandfather fearfully.
Because of his hazy vision on his left side, Cree’s eyes almost looked like
burning sunsets.
     “Watch your tongue,” the black haired man said coldly, his voice tight
with anger, “Don’t speak about things you can’t possibly understand. I didn’t
deserve her? You’re just a dumb, little brat! What does a kid like you know
about being a man, about being a father?! Our family has been rich and valued
members of our community for hundreds of generations. I was respected and
looked up to, then my wife left me without a word. She ruined everything! When
Odin got sick, what was I supposed to do? Take him to some asylum filled with
the diseased homeless shit of our society?! I would never let my son be locked
away with that filth! I would be a laughing stock!”
    “So you did nothing,” Shi shot back boldly.
     
    //Rejection…
    Deception…
    Reflection…
    Conception…//

    “I loved my children,” Cree snapped at him, “and in return, they betrayed
me, just like their bitch of a mother! Ursula decided to have brats of her own,
instead of staying with her real family and ignoring her responsibilities to
her younger siblings… Odin humiliated me, he even blamed me for his illness!
And your mother…” Cree laughed bitterly, “I loved her most of all. She was the
youngest and the smallest, but she wasn’t selfish or useless. Anjaleque was
beautiful and kind. Most of all, she was obedient. She was always did what she
was told, without question, even though I knew that she resented me for it.
Then she met your shit of a father,” he bit out harshly, “But I forgave her for
that. The discretion of youth and all that. She still came home and took care
of her brother, was still so obedient. When she said that she was knocked up
with his bastard child and wanted to marry some worthless ex-soldier, there was
no way in hell I was going to let her slip away, especially not tohim. I
thought that she was my favorite, that she had more common sense, but she
disobeyed me, ran away with him! And then… when Odin realized that his beloved
little sister wasn’t coming home anymore, he killed himself… all because she
refused to do what I told her to do!”
    
//The listening…
The torture…
The madness…
The sadness…//

    Shi stared at him, disbelieving. No, that couldn’t be the reason. Cree was
lying… he had to be! Truthfully, he didn’t know what was more shocking to him,
that his grandfather had refused to give Odin any help, to the point that he
had killed himself, or that Cree was saying that the whole point of all this
was just to punish Shi’s mother. He couldn’t believe that. It was so… so petty!
How was this punishing his mother? How was this showing her that she had done
something bad? All it was doing was hurting him! His stomach twisted with
Cree’s words. There had to be a better reason. There had to be. He hadn’t given
everything away just so his grandfather could feel vindicated for some stupid,
goddamn reason! Shi flinched as Cree ran his knuckled over his bruised cheek,
the anger on his face melting away to affection, something that made Shi shake
slightly in a mix of revulsion and fury, wanting nothing more than to bite the
man’s fingers off.
    
//Can this be?
Or is it?//

    “Anna doesn’t deserve you,” Cree murmured, tracing Shi’s bruise with his
thumb, “You are so much better than her. You take your responsibilities
seriously. You protect your brother and do what you’re told, no matter what you
want. Even if you hate, you do what I say, without a question. You should have
been mine, not hers.”
    
//The shadow cast before me…
I walk inside your circle…//

//Protect me…
Correct me…
You got your orders, soldier…//

    Shi felt a shiver of fear go through him. Cree was insane. The way he said
all that… like it had actually been an option… it scared him a little. Then
there was the affection in his voice and the way that Cree was touching him.
How could someone be so full of rage that they struck you one minute, then kind
and… loving the next? He didn’t want to call it that. Even just thinking of
Cree being capable of love made him want to throw up, but he couldn’t think of
another word for it. The splinter in his heart was growing bigger. He felt like
he was trapped in this shed with a bear, just waiting for it to rip him to
shreds. He was suddenly very afraid that his grandfather was going to kiss him.
It was the one thing that the man hadn’t stolen from him. He wanted to scream
at him that only Vel was allowed to kiss him, but the moment quickly passed and
Cree took his hand away from his face. The bruise throbbed unpleasantly.
    “Y… you did this to me because of something my mother did ten years ago?”
Shi murmured in a broken voice.

//Inside my head is humming…
Sometimes I hear them coming…//

    Shi was unable to look Cree in the eyes anymore, the strange mixture of red
and orange haunting, but the black haired man didn’t say anything.
    “No,” the ten year old shook his head, refusing to believe Cree’s excuses,
“You aren’t doing this to hurt Mom.”
    He looked up at Cree, defiantly. His red eyes were hard and sharp, filled
with superiority and hatred. Cree seemed almost unsettled by the look, the
affection long gone, replaced by irritation, the very beginning of anger.
    “Maybe you’re just evil,” Shi said coldly, “You’re a pig, hurting your own
daughter’s family. You say that you’re doing it for revenge, but that isn’t
true. You’re doing it because it makes you feel good.”

//The power…
Believeing…
The hate I hate believing…//

    Something indescribable flashed across Cree’s face. Shi couldn’t tell if it
was incredible rage or incredible insanity. Cree grabbed his shoulder and
slammed him to the floor so hard, Shi thought for a second that it had been
dislocated. Sharp pain radiated through the back of his shoulder and down his
back, barely giving him enough concentration to make sure he fell on his chest
instead of his face, which was still throbbing from Cree’s blow.
    His arms were pinned under his own weight and every instinct he had was
screaming at him to roll away, that there was no way Cree was just going to
shove him around, not with that furious look on his face, but the sheer
violence behind Cree’s attack, the power behind it, stunned him. He couldn’t
move. In a blink of an eye, his grandfather’s hands were gripping his hips. He
could feel his fingers digging painfully into flesh and his fingernails cutting
his skin. The next thing he felt, without any warning at all, was his
grandfather entering him roughly, with one, violent thrust.
    He might have screamed. Shi wasn’t entirely sure, because the second that
he felt Cree’s cock inside of him, his mind went blank with the agony. It felt
like time had skipped ahead a few seconds, like the pain was so immense, he had
blacked out without even realizing it. He felt something tear inside of him and
hot liquid slowly dripped down his bare legs. He knew it was blood. He felt
like curling up into a tiny ball and crying his heart out, or just throw up.
    Tears pricked his eyes, but even through the haze of unbearable agony, Shi
refused to cry and bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood to distract himself
from the pain his grandfather had just given him. He felt like he was drowning
in it, his lower body throbbing and his insides trying in vain to push the
offending thing out of him. He had never felt anything like this before. Even
when Cree was being rough with him, he had taken some precautions, lube,
saliva, stretching, something. This… this was indescribable. When he felt the
man move inside of him, starting to thrust, he was sure that he was going to
vomit or black out again. That would probably be a good thing, but Shi doubted
that his grandfather would let him get away so easily. The fingers on his hips
tightened more, adding to his pain and Shi was starting to get alarmed by how
much blood was coming out of him.
    What if Cree had really, really hurt him? What if he had to go the
hospital? How was he supposed to tell his parents? Was he going to die? It sure
felt like it. So… this was what Cree was like when he was angry? He had
wondered, so long ago, what his grandfather would consider a punishment if he
didn’t think that rape was so bad and having a taste of that now, it only
renewed his conviction to do anything he could to protect Eirie. He didn’t
think of that now, the immense pain made it impossible to think at all, but he
would think of it a lot later, when he went a little bit numb.     Suddenly,
like the flash of a camera, Vel’s image came to him. He couldn’t understand
why, but he could see his best friend as clear as day and an incredible need
filled his heart. It was kind of like when they had to run laps in gym during
the end of the year, when it was just the beginning of summer. At the end of
it, you were sweaty and hot and had this feeling that if you didn’t have some
water right then and there, you might actually die. He needed to have Vel with
him right now, needed to see him with all of his heart. He wanted someone to
say to him that it was going to be ok, and he knew that if Vel was the one to
say that to him, he would believe it as though it was the word of God. He
opened his eyes, not even realizing that he had been squeezing them shut this
whole time, but the shed wasn’t much brighter and it made him feel disoriented.

    “So, I’m ‘evil’, huh?” Cree sneered, his raw, deep voice sounding loud and
intense in the quiet shed, the sound of it making Shi’s insides shudder, “I’m
not the one who killed someone.”
    This time, the pain he felt had little to do with Cree’s cock. His harsh,
accusing words struck at him, right where he was the most vulnerable. It hurt,
because as cruel as that sentiment was, Cree was right. There wasn’t a single
thing that Shi could say to refute that. Who was he to call his grandfather
evil? He had killed someone out of fury. He had let his emotions and fears
bottle up inside of him until they had exploded. Or maybe it was better to say
that they had all overflowed because they were still there, in the dark spots
of his heart. He could feel them festering there.
    Dr. Harris and his parents could say whatever they liked, that it wasn’t
his fault, that he was had just been protecting his brother, that he was just
sick, that he would never do it again because of the guilt he felt, but that
was a lie. It was all his fault. He had allowed himself to become this thing,
this beast filled with hatred. He was going to do it again. He could feel that.
As long as that hatred existed, he would keep on hurting people, maybe even
someone he loved. After all, Cree was horrible, but Shi was worse than him. If
Cree couldn’t change, then how could he ever expect himself to?
    “That’s right,” Cree hissed in his ear, “I’m evil. But if that’s true, then
I was born that way, it’s in my blood… and it’s in yours, too.”
    Shi’s eyes widened in shock as Cree’s words filled him with a severe
coldness and stillness. They invaded that place deep inside him, where all his
most secret fears lived. They found the worst of it and brought it to the
surface, where he couldn’t hide it or deny it’s existence any longer. It echoed
in his head and made him want to scream. He felt Cree’s orgasm and his semen
inside of him stung some wound there, but he didn’t care. His mind was still
reeling.     He finally came back to himself when Cree pulled out of him,
making him wince and more fluid streamed out of him, but he couldn’t tell if it
was blood or not. His insides continued to throb and the agony wasn’t edging
off, so he was completely unprepared when Cree stood up and his foot lashed
out, catching Shi on the side along his ribs, jarring him. The kick made him
roll onto his back and he gave out a small cry of pain. Cree was on him in a
second, grabbing his throat and pinning him down. For one frightening moment,
Shi thought that his grandfather was going to rape him again as he leaned
close. Their eyes met and Shi felt this strange little sensation of danger and
horror come over him.
    “You’re mine, forever,” Cree said with a tone of superiority, “There’s
nothing you can do to get away from me, do you understand that?” he leaned in
closer to whisper in Shi’s ear, “And if you ever tell anyone about me, I’ll gut
your baby brother like a pig.”
    The world stopped. Shi couldn’t feel his heartbeat, or hear the soft song
of birds outside of the shed. He was awake and aware as he watched his
grandfather’s black, heavy shoes from his angle on the floor move across the
shed and leave his view, the door slamming closed behind him, but everything
seemed grey and unreal. He felt sick and unhinged. His thoughts raced wildly,
chaotic and insane. He wanted to get up and run into the house, to see if Eirie
was alright. He had this horrible vision of his black haired grandfather
walking up the steps, slowly and calmly, and butchering his little brother,
even though Shi hadn’t told. He had been a good boy. His mind screamed at him
to make sure that Cree didn’t put a hand on the little redhead, but he couldn’t
move. He felt paralyzed. He was tired. He didn’t want to do anything anymore.
He just wanted to disappear off the face of the earth. He wanted to be nothing.
He rolled over on his bruised side and curled up a little.
    

    “It’s in yours, too.”

    Shi bit off a whimper and curled up tighter. He had tried so hard to keep
that fear buried inside of him. Bits of it floated to the surface every now and
then, but he had always been able to shove it back down in the end. Now, it was
justthere. The worst fear he had, that he was going to become his grandfather.
When that fear poked at him, he clung desperately to the good things. He had a
family that loved him. He would do anything to protect his brother. Vel… He had
thought that those things made him better than his grandfather, that the people
he loved, the people he would do anything to protect and earn their respect
would keep him from going off the deep end. But what if it was too late? What
if it had always been too late?
    What if Cree was right and all these feelings deep inside of him had
nothing to do with the rapes? What if he was just evil, just like Cree, and no
matter how hard he tried and fought against it, it would always be there,
waiting for a weak moment to bring him down to his grandfather’s level? He
couldn’t accept that. He had to believe that he could be better, if he just
tried harder. He would rather die than be like him! Shi closed his eyes,
suddenly feeling weak, his exhaustion filling his heart and his body. The fear
burned and rang aloud in his head. He was evil. How could he deny that? After
everything that had happened… everything he had done… Harris was wrong. He was
bad. And one day… one day soon… he would become his grandfather. It was in his
blood.
    He was cursed.



End Part 8
    
    
***** Part 9 *****
Chapter Summary
     Badly injured, Shi makes a terrible mistake. Will it be the thing
     that saves him or will it damn him and his family?
Poisoned Memories: Ghosts and Shadows
Part 9


    It was the pain that woke Shi from the dark place in his head he had fallen
into. That same pain gave him an intense clarity and he woke, remembering
everything that had happened, without an ounce of grogginess. If it weren’t for
the feeling of hard wood against his back, the awful smell of blood, semen,
dust, and something that he couldn’t quite place, and the clarity of his
memories, and the clarity of the pain, he would have thought that the whole
mess had just been one of his nightmares. If it weren’t for the intense pain he
was feeling in his lower body, he would have been happy to keep pretending,
keep denying that what his grandfather had just done to him had all been in his
head, that he just fallen asleep and had dreamt it all. And what was worse, the
damage his grandfather had done to his body, or the things he had said, the
things he had informed him of… the things he had made him realize?
    He must have moved his legs or hips in his sleep, Shi realized. No matter
how long he had been unconscious for, the pain should have dulled by now,
right? When Cree wasn’t careful enough and he did bleed, the pain and the
bleeding usually stopped fairly quickly, even if he did ache for hours
afterwards. This wasn’t anything like those other times. It hadn’t been that
Cree hadn’t been careful. The man had intentionally tried to hurt him this time
and Shi was scared to think about just what he had done, what damage he wasn’t
feeling. But the pain was sharp and throbbing inside of him, searing hot,
making him not even want to move an inch. He must have moved and hurt himself
worse, if the pain was bad enough to have woken him up.
    Shi suddenly realized that his stomach ached, different than the pain Cree
had caused him, his throat felt raw, and there was a terrible taste in his
mouth, making him understand what that unnamed, awful smell was. He must have
thrown up from the pain, or his emotional turmoil, at some point. That was
probably why he moved in his sleep, he must have, subconsciously, rolled or
shifted because of it.
    A strange, scratchy feeling on his right arm distracted him from the pain
shooting through his lower back and he turned his head, trying to figure out
what it was. A spider, big and black and sinister looking, was crawling boldly
up his bare arm, it’s legs feeling like tiny pin pricks. Shi watched it,
nonchalantly, as it crawled towards his face, like some alien thing. He wasn’t
all that surprised about its appearance, this old shed was probably infested
with mice, spiders, and all kinds of insects, but he didn’t like how the
spider’s legs felt on his skin. In a strange, incomprehensible way, it reminded
him of the feeling of his grandfather’s touch, cold and alien.
    Eirie was terrified of spiders, not just scared, but actually terrified.
Whenever he saw one, he became paralyzed and would scream for either his father
or Shi. He even freaked out if he just saw a web. Shi didn’t know what it was
about the spiders that scared his little brother so badly, but he didn’t share
it. He wasn’t scared of spiders, he just hated them. He thought it was probably
strange, to hate a living thing so much without having any kind of fear of it,
but he felt nothing but contempt when he saw them. When they scared his
brother, he felt no guilt at all about killing them, even when they weren’t
actually bothering anyone.
    Shi flung the spider off his arm with his other hand so hard that, when it
struck the wall and fell back to the ground, instead of rolling back onto its
legs and scurrying off, it just laid there on its back, its many appendages
curling inward in the strange way that spiders and insects did when they died.
He wondered if the reason why he hated the creatures so much was because they
had that same quality that he hated in his grandfather, that… impersonal
coldness. When a dog or cat looked at you, you could place some emotion in
their expression. Whether it actually felt the affection or fear or curiosity
you saw was irrelevant, you felt some kind of sameness with them.
    With spiders, all you saw was it reacting, there was no emotion, no care,
nothing at all beyond sentience. His grandfather looked that way sometimes and
whenever he did, Shi would realize that he didn’t care at all about what his
actions were doing to him. Cree didn’t care about the pain he caused or how he
interacted with his own family and whenever Shi realized that, it filled him
with the same hatred he felt for spiders, the same disgust. He wondered if that
was what he felt, just hatred for their coldness, their complete and total lack
of humanity, or if he hated spiders… simply because they frightened his brother
so much…
    It was thought of Eirie being afraid that served to slap him in the face.
The numbing cloud of shock and pain lifted from his mind and he sat up in a
jolt, the move causing a wave of intense pain to go through him, but he ignored
it. How long had he been out? Was Cree still here? Had his parents come home?
He suddenly wished he had thought to put his watch on this morning. If his
parents were home, they obviously didn’t know where he was or what had happened
to him, which was a plus, but what if Cree was still here, all alone in the
house with his little brother?
    Guilt hit Shi like a wave. He was supposed to be protecting Eirie from the
man, not just lying here! That was the point of this pain, wasn’t it? Because
he would do anything to protect his brother, and hearing that he had sacrificed
so much for his grandfather’s pettiness had driven him to this. What if Cree
wanted to hurt Eirie, too, to teach him not to talk back to him? The mere
thought of that horrified him. There was no reason for him to be this
irresponsible. It didn’t matter if he was in pain or injured or depressed. All
that mattered anymore was Eirie and he wouldn’t let him down, no matter what
Cree had done to him.
    Shi fought against the pain until he somehow managed to get his jeans back
on, his hand shaking badly as he zipped them, and ended up stumbling to his
feet, feeling like a newborn foal on his long, shaking legs. Every muscle in
his lower body protested this, leaving him trembling with the effort to stay
upright. Pain shot through him in sharp torrents. As he got his feet under him,
he felt something pull inside him, then felt fresh, hot blood pouring down his
legs again. He grabbed blindly at the closest wall, bracing himself against the
door and gasping for breath. This wasn’t good, not at all. He couldn’t even
move. This pain couldn’t be from something small and this much blood… he felt
so weak as his body was trying its hardest to tell him that something was
terribly wrong. Cree hadn’t just torn him a little bit this time, he wasn’t
going to be able to just hide the blood and go on with his day.
    What the hell was he going to do? As he stood there, gripping the wooden
door and trying to get his breath back, the thought of walking from the shed to
the back door, through the kitchen, up the steps, and into the sanctity of his
bedroom was horrifying. The thought of trying to hide this was just impossible.
There was too much blood and, somehow, he just knew that he couldn’t take care
of this. He didn’t know what was wrong and some childish part of himself was
frantic for his mom and dad to take care of this. They would know what to do,
they would make it better that part of him said. He might even need to see a
doctor. But he couldn’t. No matter how bad this injury was, he couldn’t let
anyone find out about it. He would have to do something to take care of
himself, because anyone else helping him was unacceptable. Shi was sure that
they would know right away what this injury was and couldn’t risk it.
    For the first time, even through all the things he had done to keep Eirie
safe, Shi had to ask himself… was he willing to die for his little brother? He
may have thought of that question, but he had never actually asked himself that
with this kind of seriousness. If his only choices were keeping quiet and dying
because of this injury, or telling his parents and risking Eirie’s life, what
would he do? He didn’t think that, even then, he could tell anyone. The scary
thing was, he wasn’t sure if it was entirely because of his love for his
brother. A part of it was the shame he felt for letting his grandfather have
sex with him, a part of it was pride, and a part of it was fear. He had gone
almost two years lying and hiding this… he was kind of afraid of how letting go
of that secret would change his life. This deal with Cree had quickly taught
him that change was destructive.
    Shi shoved at the door, letting frustration and anger give him the energy
to keep moving forward. It didn’t really matter how telling his parents the
truth would change things, if they would think he was lying or crazy, or if
they hated him for doing this. It didn’t even matter that the thought of trying
to just give his feelings words seemed so impossible. There was no one else in
the world who could save Eirie from his grandfather, just him. His little
brother was relying on him. If he planned on letting him down, he might as well
just lie down and die right here in the shed.
    The first steps out of the shed were the worst. Every time he moved, more
and more pain radiated through his lower back, legs, and butt. With just a few
steps, he suddenly felt dizzy and hot, like he had a bad fever and it was hard
to think. He could feel the blood soaking through his jeans and dripping down,
over his shoes. When he finally got the door open and walked into the kitchen,
Shi was so out of it, overwhelmed by the pain, that he didn’t even realize he
was leaving bloody footprints, but old habits had him mindlessly stepping out
of his sneakers and leaving them by the door, the blood sticking to the bottoms
of his bare feet.
    His only thought as he had entered the house was running upstairs to see if
his brother was alright, but after just walking across the kitchen floor, he
quickly realized that there was no way he was going to go up any steps. It was
hard enough just moving forward across the flat, wooden floor, but actually
lifting himself up… he was even too scared to try. It wasn’t just the level of
pain he was in, it was that, with every step that he took, the more faint, and
dizzier, he felt. He thought that, if he tried walk up those steps, he was only
going to fall and hit his head or something. He gripped at the kitchen counter
desperately as a dual wave of nausea and dizziness hit him and his steps
faltered.
    Shi continued to stumble forward, careful not to slip on his bloody feet,
until he was able to look out of the tiny window above the kitchen sink that
looked out at their driveway. He saw, with complete and utter relief that made
him feel weak in a completely different way, that his grandfather’s car was
gone and neither of his parents had come home yet. The clock on their microwave
told him that less than a hour had passed since his grandfather had come over,
so it would probably still be awhile before his mother got back. Shi thought
that it had only been his fear at Eirie being hurt or confronting his mother
that had given him the strength to get out of that shed at all, because as soon
as he realized that Cree hadn’t had the time to hurt his brother and had
probably just left right away, his will to go any further left him.
    What little strength he had had left was gone and Shi let go of the
counter, sliding down to the floor with his back to the cabinet and just sat
there, slumped and breathing hard. He could do this, he thought. He just had to
clean up the blood and act like nothing bad had happened. His mommy would come
home and never realize that he was hurt. It would be hard, especially if the
bleeding didn’t stop, but the worst would be sneaking upstairs to the bathroom
to clean up without Eirie seeing him. He could hear him moving around upstairs,
the footsteps too light to be anyone but his little brother. The relief that
flooded him was so strong that it left him leaving sick, or maybe that was the
pain, it was hard to tell.
    Even though he was sitting now, the pain wasn’t lessening any. Shi suddenly
realized that he should be worrying about that pain a lot more than he was, but
for some reason, he just felt kind of numb to everything, now that he knew he
had time before his mom came home. He could feel the blood pooling under his
body and knew that his jeans were probably ruined. Some distant, fading part of
himself wondered how he was going to be able to clean all this up and throw his
jeans away without anyone, especially his mom, finding them. He supposed he
could burn them like they did on those crime shows.
    Shi tried to remember what chemicals the bad guys used to clean up the
blood, though it never really fooled the cops, but it was hard to think. He
knew that he really should get up off the floor and start cleaning everything…
but… he just felt so tired… it was hard, thinking of anything at all,
especially since he didn’t want to think…

    “It’s in you, too.”

    Shi slammed his head backwards into the cabinet, the resulting pain washing
away all of his thoughts, and kept that particular thought from growing into
something dark and threatening. Oddly, the pain in his head didn’t bother him
that much, or helped to distract from the other pains. Even more oddly, it
didn’t wake him up at all, it actually made him feel even more tired. He felt
dizzy and faint and no matter how much he yelled at himself to just stand back
up, he couldn’t find the willpower to do it. He didn’t want to think about how
hard it was going to be this time.
    It had been bad enough before, in the shed, but now there was nothing truly
urgent to propel him forward, or rather, all those urgent things suddenly felt
far away, like a dream. That was what this felt like… like he was dreaming and
he was trying to realize it was a dream, was trying to wake himself up, but he
just kept being pulled deeper and deeper into this haze… He was just tired,
that was all. He had lost a bit of blood and he was having a hard time
remembering if he had eaten lunch or not, or when that might have been. But…
hadn’t he thrown up, or was that all in his head? He didn’t need to get up
right away, right? The floor was cold and hard, but it felt kind of nice,
compared to trying to stand up.
    He could sit here for a little bit and rest his eyes. He was sure he would
feel better in a couple of minutes, then he would look through Mom’s cleaning
supplies and find ammonia or something to clean up. He’d find someplace outback
to throw away his jeans, take a shower, and get dressed again. Everything would
be fine. Things felt terrible right now, even through the pain, he could feel
this black, oppressive thing around his heart that he wasn’t giving much
coherent thought to. If he stopped long enough to ponder it, he knew what would
happen, because he knew what that black thing was. But if he just rested for
awhile, then did what he had to do, he would go out with his family for dinner
tonight and tomorrow, he would see Vel. Vel would make everything better. He
wouldn’t even have to try so hard to ignore everything the way he was doing
now.
    Vel would make those things that his grandfather had said seem far away. If
he could see him, he could lie to himself and think that all those bad things,
which Shi knew, if he stopped to think about them, were true, but he would let
Vel’s love turn those things into ugly lies inside his heart. He could do all
that… he just needed to close his eyes for a little while… just until the
grayness in his vision left him… just for a little while…

*****

    “Oh, God… oh, God…”
    Shi’s sleep was an unnatural thing, heavy and thick, like he was wrapped in
a tight cocoon. He drifted in a dreamless darkness, somewhere, deep inside,
realizing that something was very wrong, but this concern was nothing more than
subconscious. It was the sleep of the sick, the way he had slept when he had
had the flu. It was his mind trying to flee from a sick and damaged body, but
instead of doing so, it was becoming just as sick. Why he wasn’t bombarded by
terrible nightmares, Shi would never know. Maybe his heart just couldn’t take
anymore horror, or perhaps his mind was just as weak as his body felt and
hadn’t had the strength to conjure up anymore guilt. Surely there was only so
much poison your mind and heart could take before they just shut down, right?
    And yet, as out of it as he was, Shi could hear someone’s voice, a familiar
voice. That voice was pleading and sounded so desperate. No, it was more than
that. The voice sounded broken, hitching with violent sobs. It made Shi want to
comfort them, to tell them that it was alright, but for some reason, he was
aware that he couldn’t. That awareness was sharp and real, too real considering
how everything else seemed like he was experiencing it through a thick fog. He
just knew that, whatever this person was crying about, it was something that he
could never fix. That realization made him want to cry, too.
    “Shi… please…. Please…” the person continued to sob.
    This time, it was the pleading of that voice, not pain or the feeling that
he really, really needed to wake up that pulled him out of the darkness. He
opened his eyes slowly, but his vision was blurry and he was having a hard time
focusing. The most familiar arms in the world were holding him tightly and his
shoulder felt wet, the person’s face pressed against it.
    “Please be ok…” the person murmured through their tears.
    It hit Shi like a physical blow as he realized just who was holding him,
who was crying. A wave of panic filled him and he shoved at his mother, trying
to get her away from him. Although he was terrified to even look at her, he
couldn’t quite stop himself from looking up at his mom. He immediately expected
nothing but reproach, the same hatred he had been scared of since he had first
made that deal with his grandfather. She would be disgusted in him, she would
turn her back on him. He never wanted to believe that, he loved her too much,
but it was one of his greatest fears. So, when he looked up at her and saw only
shock in her expression, it made him hurt somehow, even worse than the damage
his grandfather had done in the shed.
    “Baby,” Anjaleque murmured, looking shocked and horrified as she looked at
her oldest son.
    Shi couldn’t take that look. He had always thought that her hating him
would be the worst, but that look of equal fear and equal love was just as bad.
It made him want to tell her everything. It made something inside of him crack,
threatening to completely shatter. That was right, he realized, she wouldn’t
look at him with hatred, because she didn’t know… didn’t know why he was hurt,
but when she did… How had this happen? All these months… he had been so
careful! He had lied and lied and lied… how could this have happenednow, when
he felt so weak, so vulnerable, after all this time struggling and fighting and
hurting so bad, just to keep this secret from his parents, but especially from
his mom, how could he have let this happen? How could he have been so
careless?!
    He couldn’t get out of this, couldn’t just shrug it off this time. There
was blood everywhere, his blood. Hell, his mom was sitting in it and, looking
down, the sight of her jeans and the short, light blue dress top that hung just
over the pants, above the knee, stained with that blood sickened him. The
realization that his mother’s clothes were covered in his blood was horrifying
to him. What lie could he possibly come up with to make her stop looking at him
like that, like the way she had looked in the hospital, wondering just how
badly hurt he was? Like it was somehow her fault, for not protecting him? What
story could he tell to make her believe that this was just an accident,
something that wasn’t important? In that moment, there was nothing. Usually,
there were so many things buzzing in his head, what could happen if she didn’t
believe him, how to push all those bad feelings down, the consequences if he
failed… but right now, there was nothing in his head at all. Only dead silence.

    “I…” he started to say, but no more words would come to him.
    ‘I fell, I cut myself, someone beat me up…’
    No matter what stupid excuse he came up with, he couldn’t say it. He knew,
without any doubts, that his mother wouldn’t buy such stories. There was too
much blood, and no matter what he said, she was going to want to know where he
was hurt, she was going to find out… His mother cupped his cheeks and he was
suddenly struck with this strange comparison between how rough his
grandfather’s hands had felt on his bare skin, and how soft his mom’s hands
felt. Her touch was gentle, her violet eyes filled with tears. He felt this
intense love for her in that moment. He wanted to pretend that he was a little
kid again, like before Eirie had been born. He wanted to let her hold him, rock
him, tell him that everything was going to be alright now, that the nightmare
was over. That he couldn’t do that made everything hurt inside of him. He
wasn’t that person anymore and, right now, letting her treat him that way,
letting her love him, was too dangerous to his heart right now.
    “Sweet heart… who did this to you?” she demanded, her voice trembling and
looking as horrified by all of this as Shi felt.
    

    Who did this to you?


    Shi nearly gasped at the burning pain that that question caused. He had
that urge again to shove her away, feeling how deadly even her touch was. He
felt his resolve crumbling. He couldn’t tell… couldn’t say anything… she
couldn’t know… He didn’t realize it when he started to shake. Shi felt like
this blinding white light of panic was replacing all the muddiness from his
blacking out. He felt like he was going to start screaming at any second as
over a year’s worth of secrets, nightmares, and just pure… stress threatened to
spill out. He should lie, he realized. His mommy already knew why he was
bleeding so badly, there was no way he could lie about what had happened, but
couldn’t he lie about who had hurt him? And yet… yet there was something inside
of him that made it impossible to do that. Even if he could, he doubted it
would have sounded authentic.
    
    
    “… If you ever tell anyone about me, I’ll gut your baby brother like a
pig.”

    Coldness clamped down on him and he almost threw up right there in the
kitchen. He couldn’t tell… the pain it caused him didn’t matter… that was the
one thing that had stayed with him all this time. He could never actually tell
her… even if he did, his only reward would be to hurt her. If he didn’t tell,
he felt like he was sacrificing himself again. His mother would always doubt
him and, for the rest of his life, he would be tortured by ‘what if’, what if
he had told, would he have been set free? Would all this pain and darkness have
gone away? If he did tell, he would be putting his little brother’s life in
danger, and he would be causing his mom pain, knowing that her dad had done
this, or that her kid had agreed to do this. Whether she forgave him or hated
him, she was just going to get hurt. She was already hurting, finding him like
this. So… it was either him or two people he loved. What kind of choice was
that?
    Shi squeezed his eyes shut and curled in on himself, as though he thought
he could actually hide from her pained stare. His hands clutched at his head,
his fingers digging into his hair as he tried, desperately, to block out
everything, his mother’s presence, his churning thoughts… all of it, but he
just felt overwhelmed. His stomach hurt so bad… why did it hurt like this, Cree
hadn’t hit him there…
    “Shi!” Anjaleque cried out in alarm at Shi’s reaction to her question, how
tight the muscles in his back were, the sheer panic on his face.
    He wasn’t having such a violent reaction from what had happened, she
realized in fear, it was just her asking him to tell her who had hurt him. She
rubbed his clothed back, feeling that his muscles were even tighter than they
looked, as though his entire body were having some kind of attack.
    “Please, sweetheart,” she cried, “Please tell me what’s wrong! Who hurt
you?!”
    Shi could hear his mother sobbing, begging in a way that sounded so
painfully sad and he shook his head frantically, unable to speak. She sounded
so angry, but her touch on his back was soothing, so soothing… so full of the
love that she always had for him. That love was breaking him, shattering his
heart, his resolve, his strength. It made him feel like a baby, wanting to rely
on his mom, on her ability to make everything bad go away.

   Tell, tell, tell, tell, tell, tell…

    Pain lanced through his stomach at those chanting thoughts, like a demand,
or a challenge. His guts felt like they were tied in knots as his almost primal
need to let go of that terrible secret waged battle against his self
preservation and his fears about letting Eirie down. It was like a brick wall
in his head, one covered in barbed wires. He gagged and dry heaved, his stomach
trying to purge itself of poison that wasn’t actually in there, poison in the
form of immense stress. Anjaleque hugged him to her stomach, cradling him like
he was still a little boy and she could still protect him everything, just by
wrapping her arms around him. In reality, she felt powerless and useless as a
mother, like her tears would never stop and that was the only way she could
show her son that she wanted to help him.
    What on earth was going on with her child? She hadn’t been gone all that
long, and her father had been here for most of that time. He had called when he
had left and, according to him, Shi and Eirie had been in the house the entire
time, so what could have happened in that short of time? Who had done this to
her baby?! She wasn’t a doctor, but she knew enough what that much blood, on
the inner thighs of his jeans were she could see, meant. Just the thought of
what had happened filled her with this indescribable, maternal rage. She wanted
to find the bastard who had done this and castrate him! She wanted to wrap Shi
up in a mountain of blankets and take him far away, where no one could hurt him
ever again.
    Wasn’t it enough that Shi had been suffering so much lately? Wasn’t it
enough that he had been walking around this house like a ghost, that he had had
a mental break? And now this… the worst part of it was that she didn’t know
what to do, didn’t know how to make this better. Should she be demanding that
he tell her everything? Would that make him feel safer, her being able to go
after that person? Or should she not be pushing him this hard? Shi had always
been able to tell her anything, but lately, it had felt like he had caged his
heart up in a steel box, hiding it away from the world. This was going to make
it worse, wasn’t it? She could feel him pushing away from her right now, and
not just physically. She could see it in his red eyes, the desire to just run
away from her, to hide. But no matter what she should do, she just couldn’t let
him do that. Her love for him was overwhelming her, telling her to do so many
things that she felt paralyzed, unsure of herself, especially as a mother.
    His mom’s hands on his back were so soothing… so wonderful… and they were
making him cry harder. This was all he wanted… just her touch, telling him that
she was there and that, for now, she loved him. That was all he had ever
wanted… her acceptance and her love. He felt like he was drowning in those
thoughts, as that other part of him screamed that it was Eirie who mattered.
Who cared if his mommy loved him, so long as his little brother was safe. It
was Eirie who deserved this, not him. Not anymore. But it was hard to listen to
those thoughts when his loneliness, his insanity, was swelling up, wanting so
very badly to curl up in her arms and tell her everything, to finally… finally,
after almost two years, to unburden that darkness inside of his heart. He felt
scattered… like in that one moment, when he had killed that boy, had worn
something inside of him thin and restless. Ever since then, something had
changed inside of him, like he could actually feel the madness that had been
building in him, like he was losing control over everything in his life, even
the deal.
    Anjaleque cupped Shi’s cheeks again, making him look at her. He looked
terrible, his eyes red from crying, his skin so white, he looked like a corpse.
She almost shuddered, realizing very suddenly in a startling conviction, that
Shi looked exactly like how her brother had looked, the last time she had seen
him alive. Maybe he didn’t have that maniacal gleam in his eyes, but that same
desperation, that hopelessness, was there. And the loneliness. Or should she
say, that isolation? He looked broken, shattered. It made her want to scream
out in denial, or gather him close, as though she foolishly thought she could
hold all the broken pieces of him together.
    “I am your mother,” she said with a strong conviction, suddenly so very
sure of what she needed to say to him, although she didn’t know how she knew,
“And I will always be your mother. No matter what you have to tell me, no
matter how much you think it will hurt me, or I’ll be mad at you, I will always
love you, just as much as I always have.”
    Shi’s shock at her words hurt her deeply as she realized that she had
succinctly found what was causing him such stress. How could he think that she
would stop loving him because of this? Was she such a terrible mother that her
older son thought that her love was that conditional, that it was conditional
at all? She didn’t realize it, but the strength and love and conviction in her
voice made that barrier around Shi’s heart shatter into a thousand pieces, and
once it broke, he had no hope of building it back up again. He finally let go
of everything that was holding him back and wrapped his arms around his
mother’s waist, pressing against her as closely as he could.
    “Mommy,” he whispered, his voice tight and strained.
    Anjaleque eased him, gently, into her lap. Between his long legs and her
fears about his injury, it was difficult, but she had the sudden need to have
him close to her. She could feel him shaking in her arms and worried that he
might be sick again. Shi’s fingers grasped his mother’s top tightly, feeling
this odd calm, almost like release. For the first time in over a year, he
didn’t think about his brother.
    “Granddad…” Shi said hoarsely, his heart pounding harshly in his chest, his
thoughts screaming at him angrily, “Granddad was the one who hurt me.”
    A cold tremor went through Anjaleque. For a moment, she was sure, so
absolutely sure, that she had misheard what Shi had just said, but it was
fleeting. His grandfather… her father… she wanted to believe that Shi had to be
mistaken, that there was no way that her father would have… would have done
something so terrible, and to his own grandchild! She wanted to deny it… Shi
had to be traumatized and confused… but how could she? After begging him to
tell her, after telling him that she would love him no matter what he had to
say, how could she possibly insist, to his face, that he was wrong?
    And suddenly, it made sense. Shi hadn’t wanted to tell her, because it was
her own father who had done this. He hadn’t wanted to come between them, hadn’t
wanted to cause her that kind of pain, and hadn’t wanted her to have to chose
between loving him and loving her father. In Shi’s mind, did he really believe
that she would chose her dad over her son? He must, if he was making himself
sick over telling her the truth. But he didn’t realize that what was causing
her the most pain wasn’t him, wasn’t his admission. Who had hurt her was her
dad, not Shi. And really, who else could have done this? Shi hadn’t left the
house, and if he had, he would have gone with Eirie, not by himself.
    Hadn’t she wondered who could have possibly ra… she shuddered at the mere
thought of it… raped Shi when so little time had passed between her father
leaving and her coming home? The possibility should have entered her mind, that
the most obvious answer to that question was that he was the culprit. It would
have been easy. Shi might be big for his age, but with only himself and Eirie
here, what would have stopped her father from doing whatever he wanted. But
why?! Why would he do this?! He was getting along so well with his
grandchildren, then all of a sudden… this.
    Anjaleque groaned in pain, starting to cry as the truth of it finally hit
her. Her father had raped her baby. His reasons didn’t matter. He had hurt her
child and he had hurt her. Was this all her fault? Had she could have stopped
this? If she had only just stayed home today… this wouldn’t have happened,
right? Would Jonathan blame her? He had never liked the idea of Cree spending
so much time with their kids. No matter what her father had done for them, her
husband had never forgiven him for what he had done to her and Odin and he had
never really believed that her father had changed enough. Would he rub her face
in this? She knew that her father would. If she had trusted someone against
Cree’s will, and that someone ended up hurting one of her children, he would
have made her feel miserable about it. Jonathan was a better man than him,
though. Even when she had thought her dad had gotten better, she had always
known that her husband was a better father, more honest and kind and strong
than her father could ever hope to be.
    The second that those words were out of Shi’s mouth, he was so sure that
his mother would shove him away. That she would yell at him, accusing of lying,
or worse, accusing that it was all his fault. So, when she instead hugged him
tightly, he was so startled that he flinched a little. Didn’t she get it? He
had just told her that her father had had sex with him. Wasn’t she disgusted?
Wasn’t she ashamed of him? Wasn’t she angry that he had told her that at all?
Beyond his shock, he felt this… this incredible relief. Did this mean that she
still loved him? He had told her this terrible secret that he had been keeping
for so long and she didn’t outright hate him for it… little by little,
something inside of him, something tight and painful, was letting go. Even the
release of that thing hurt quite a bit.
    Then, he felt his mother shaking against him and she made this sharp, low
noise, like a mother bear that had discovered her dead cub. She was crying… of
course she was. If he had found out that his own dad had done something awful
like this, he would have been hurt, too. He matched his grip on her with hers.
He never should have told… in the end, he had just hurt her.
    “I’m sorry, Mommy,” he apologized, tugging a little on her dress, trying to
be as soothing and protective as she was with him, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
    Anjaleque almost laughed, she might have, if she didn’t feel so cold
inside. She had dared to trust her father, after everything he had done to
their family; making her mother leave, refusing her brother care until he had
killed himself, all those terrible things he had said to her when she had
gotten pregnant… She had been the one foolish enough to open her heart to him
again, but it was Shi who had taken the brunt of it all, Shi who her father had
struck out against, for reasons she just didn’t understand, not until Shi
decided to tell her everything, and she wasn’t even sure that she wanted to
know, wasn’t sure that she wanted to push him that hard. And yet, although he
was suffering because of her own foolish actions, he was apologizing for her
pain, as though he had been the one to cause it.
    And maybe he did think it was his fault. It was such a terrible possibility
to her, that her son could think that the pain that she was feeling in her
heart right now was his fault, that he might be thinking right now that it
would have better to have kept quiet about the whole thing, to bottle it up
inside. As much as the truth hurt, she didn’t want that. She didn’t want Shi to
lie, to suffer in silence, just so she could remain oblivious. And in the end,
just the knowledge that he had been attacked wouldn’t have let her rest.
    If he had stayed quiet, it would have just eaten at her. And if he had
lied, that would have been just as bad. She wanted to punish the person who had
done this, even if it was her own father. So, in a way, she was glad that Shi
had told her the truth and didn’t want him to think that so much of an ounce of
her pain was his fault, his responsibility. All that mattered right now was his
pain, not hers. She was his mother… how could she possibly put herself before
him? But… this was so much like Shi, her little soldier, always so responsible,
always protecting them…
    It struck her then, her violet eyes widening in realization. He hadn’t
wanted to tell her… if she hadn’t pushed him, hadn’t demanded so vehemently
that he tell her the truth, he wouldn’t have. He had been trying to protect
her, like how he had protected Eirie from that bully, not caring even a little
about his own needs. What else was her baby not telling her? What other secrets
did he have? And worse… what about… this was he keeping quiet about? She pried
his hand off of her top and held it in hers. She remembered when those hands
had been so tiny, how every time she had held them, she had felt like she was
suffocating them in her own. It hadn’t seemed all that long ago at all, but
now, they seemed so big to her, closer to the hands of a teenaged boy than
those of a ten year old child. Why did that surprise her so much? And why did
it make her feel so sad suddenly?
    “Baby,” she said softly, “you don’t ever have to apologize for that.”
    Shi felt tears welling up, despite himself. Didn’t she get it? Because of
him… because of him, she had to chose between him and her father. He had hurt
her, his own mother, one of the very few people that he never wanted to hurt,
even just a little bit, all because he hadn’t been able to keep it together. He
had lost control over everything. Something had broken inside of him… had he
done this subconsciously? Had he allowed his guard down, hoping that someone
would find him like this, that someone would find out what was going on? Had he
done it because he just wanted it to stop? That was one of the chorusing
thoughts that had entered his head when Cree had said that… that they were the
same.

    ‘I’m tired. I just want to put an end to this.’

    The deal, the hiding, the shame, the sickness in his head and in his heart…
somewhere beyond the horror he had felt, hearing his grandfather call him evil,
he had thought that terrible, awful thing. That it would be better if he just
put an end to it. He realized it just now. When he had thought that… he had
shattered. He had thought he could endure anything, that nothing his
grandfather did to him would make him crack, would make the resolve to keep
silent, to protect Eirie at any cost, to break. But, somewhere along, he had
broken under the pressure and those things he had said, hurting him so
violently… it had all been just too much for him. Was he that weak? That
pitiful? Was he that powerless to protect anything, even his own beliefs? How
had it turned out like this? Had he really fallen asleep in this kitchen,
bleeding everywhere, believing that it would be better for his mom or dad to
find him here and finally know the truth? Finally…
    Or had he not necessarily wanted resolution? Rather… subconsciously… had he
just wanted someone to punish him?

    “That’s right, I’m evil. But if that’s true, then I was born that way, it’s
in my blood… and it’s in yours, too.”    

    Shi had the impulse to slam his head into something again, to hurt himself
so badly that those thoughts, that memory, couldn’t reach him. But it was
impossible now. Had he just wanted someone to punish him? Had he wanted to
throw everything away, his parents’ love, even his brother’s safety, so they
could point the finger at him and lay that final judgment on him? Evil. Did,
somewhere deep down inside, did he want his parents to look at him so
accusingly and scream that?
    He had done terrible things. He had let his grandfather have sex with him.
He had touched Vel with his filthy hands and filthy mouth. He had lied, over
and over again. He had killed a boy. He had gotten to the point where his love
for his brother hadn’t been enough to buy his silence, he had let himself
become weak and pathetic, thinking only of his own pain. He had let that
selfishness put his brother in danger. And he had let that surrender taint his
mother’s love for, not only him, but her own dad. He had done all of these
terrible, awful, evil things, but he had not been punished. He should be
punished. He should be made to feel all the things that he had done to that
boy.
    Yes, he had tried to hurt his brother, but somehow, it was impossible for
him to see it as just defending Eire. Maybe it had been that way at first, but
if that was true, shouldn’t he have stopped once the boy had stopped moving?
Stopped breathing? But he had kept going. At some point, it had stopped being
about Eirie and had been about releasing that anger. He had taken his rage at
his grandfather and himself out on another human being. That boy hadn’t had
anything to do with Cree, but he had used him as an outlet. He could never
forgive himself for that. He had thought that, as long as his parents could
forgive him, he could forgive himself, but that was a lie. It would mark him
forever as a monster. It made Cree right. If Cree was evil, then he was evil,
too.
    No, he was worse than Cree. His grandfather had wanted to hurt his mother
for superficial reasons, so he had taken it out on his grandkid. Shi had wanted
to hurt Cree, too, but wasn’t it also for superficial reasons? So Cree had
raped him. He had let him do it. He called it noble because it was to save
Eirie, but in the end, he hadn’t tried to just get Eirie out of the house.
Hadn’t tried to call his parents or the cops. He had just said yes. And now, he
was pissed at him to the point that he had killed another person for it. An
innocent bystander. That was so much worse than giving someone a choice to save
someone they loved, wasn’t it? What right did he have to be pissed at Cree for
having sex with him? He was the one who had agreed to it. If there was anyone
who deserved to be destroyed by his rage, it was himself. Only himself.
    He deserved to be punished. Not Cree. Himself. He should have been the one
to die, not that boy. He deserved his mother’s anger, deserved her turning her
back on him forever. So why, why was she just… forgiving him?! She may not know
about the deal, but she still knew that he and Cree had had sex, so how could
she look at him with love in her eyes?! He wanted to scream at her, ‘hate me!
Hurt me!’ Because that was what he deserved. He was evil, just like Cree had
said. If Cree deserved to be punished for the choice he had given him, then Shi
deserved to be punished for agreeing to it! And at the same time he knew that
his mother should hurt him for all of this, there was still that part of him
that craved her love, craved her acceptance, and that was wrong. He needed her
to punish him, because he was too weak to punish himself.
    “No,” he croaked, tears pouring down his face, “I do have to apologize!
Don’t you get it? It’s all my fault! The reason why you’re hurting… it’s
because of me! I’m just as much to blame for this as he is! I shouldn’t have
told you! I should have fought back harder! I’m just as bad as he is!”
    Shi was screaming at this point, his face red from exertion and crying so
hard, so violently that his chest throat actually hurt from it. Anjaleque, in
her shock, was at a loss to how to pull him out of his fit. Shi couldn’t
possibly believe all that… How could he think that he was as bad as her father
for doing this to him? She didn’t care what the circumstances were, why Cree
had done this to her son, it was his fault, not Shi’s. No matter what he was
thinking or what he had to tell her, she knew that much. Did he really think
that… that being raped was his fault, just because he hadn’t fought back
enough? She knew that it was a common psychosis for rape victims, that it had
to be somehow their fault, that they had brought it on and that they had
deserved it, but it she couldn’t lump her son in as a ’rape victim’, couldn’t
think of him as just a percentage. It hurt too much.
    “Shi, don’t say that,” she admonished lightly, trying to hide the pain she
was feeling for his sake, “None of this is your fault! Yes, I’m in pain, but
that’s your grandfather’s fault, not yours. It hurts to know that my own father
would hurt one of my children. It hurts to know that he has caused someone I
love pain and it hurts that, just now, he tried to hide it all from me. But
what really hurts is that I’ve failed you as a mother. I couldn’t protect you.
I couldn’t even tell when your grandfather was lying to me on the phone,
sounding so calm after… after he had done this to you!”
    Shi shook his head vehemently, clenching his hands in the soft material of
her dress, still crying, but now silently.
    “No! You aren’t a bad mom! This… this isn’t your fault… you didn’t fail me,
I was just… I was too weak to stop it…” he cried, feeling incredibly pitiful as
he tried to assure her that, just because he couldn’t have stopped Cree from
having sex with him, it didn’t mean that she was a failure.
    Anjaleque touched the side of his face gently, sweeping back his long hair.
Shi had to fight from closing his eyes and leaning into that touch, to just
letting go of everything and falling back into that abyss of sleep.
    “You can’t mean that,” Anjaleque insisted, “Do you really think that, if
you had just fought harder, you could have stopped this?”
    Shi nodded, his tears wetting her hand.
    “Oh, baby,” she whispered and hugged him tightly.
    It was incredibly relaxing, resting his head against his mother, listening
to her heart beat as he curled against her. He could feel her stroking his hair
and gave into the urge to close his eyes, but not to fall asleep. Her arms were
warm around him and the pain he had been feeling in his lower body didn’t feel
quite so intense. He wanted to melt away into her embrace, to disappear from
the rest of the world and just stay here, forever. It was such a childish
desire, one he hadn’t felt in a very long time.
    “I know you think it’s up to you to carry the world on your shoulders,” she
said softly, rocking him as much as she could, “And I know you’re mature and
big for your age, but you’re still a child and your grandfather is an adult. No
matter how strong you are, he is stronger. It was his responsibility to use
that strength to protect you, but he chose to hurt you instead. It wasn’t
anyone’s fault but his. He chose to act. No one chose for him. You didn’t make
him hurt you, Shi, that’s why it isn’t your fault. There was nothing you could
do to stop him.”
    Her words should have hurt him. Hearing that there was nothing he could
have done, that he was powerless, should have been frightening. Hearing that he
wasn’t as strong as his grandfather, and that was why he had been raped should
have bothered him. Instead, he felt only relief. His mom didn’t think it was
his fault? There was nothing he could have done? No matter he had done…
everything would have turned out the same… If he was powerless, that only meant
that the responsibility was out his hands, right? It wasn’t his fault, it was
Cree’s… he wanted to believe that so badly… he wanted to believe, like he
always had in the past, that his mother knew more than him, that she was always
right.
    He clenched at her clothes more tightly and burrowed against her chest. He
wanted to believe that she could forgive him for everything, even if he didn’t
believe he deserved forgiveness. Even if it wasn’t his fault, how could he let
go of the belief he had clung to for almost two years? Even if that belief was
painful… Shi realized then that there was no way he could ever believe that she
didn’t blame him, that it really wasn’t his fault unless she knew everything.
If she knew about the deal, that Cree didn’t just rape him out of the blue, but
that he had let him do it for over a year now, would she be so sympathetic, so
loving, or would she take everything back? Would she be disgusted with him? His
mom was wonderful, so full of love, and so kind, but some part of him couldn’t
accept the possibility that she loved him so much that she wouldn’t hate him
for something that he hated himself for.
    “Even if he gave me a choice?” Shi asked in a sobbing whisper, “Is it still
isn’t my fault if I could have said no, but someone else would have been hurt?
What if I could have stopped him, doesn’t that mean I let him do it?! If it’s
my fault, isn’t it disgusting, isn’t it terrible?”
    Anjaleque continued to stroke her son’s hair, even as her eyes widened and
she felt her own tears streaming down her cheeks. What did he mean by that,
that he had been offered a choice? Her hatred for her father grew and grew. She
tried to understand what Shi was telling her. Cree hadn’t just forced himself
on her child, he had given him a choice, to not tell anyone, to accept it, or
Cree would hurt someone. Had he threatened Shi with someone he cared about?
Would Shi have gone along with this if Cree had threatened to hurt Vel? She
looked down at him as he curled up against her.     His ruby eyes were half-
lidded as he looked at nothing in a daze. Those eyes were still wet with the
tears that stained his fair cheeks and were rimmed a raw red. He looked paler
than usual, as though he were in shock, but mostly, he looked tired. Very, very
tired, but also drained. She couldn’t even begin to know what he was feeling
about all of this. Again, she wondered if it had been wise to force him to tell
her all this, or if she should have waited until she had taken him to the
hospital. But, if she had waited, would he have lost whatever it was that had
allowed him to tell her so much?
    Would Shi have agreed to let his grandfather rape him, to save Vel or
someone else he loved from being hurt? Of course he would. That answer came to
her easily as she looked at him and smiled lovingly. He had always been like
that. When people looked at him, they labeled him as a trouble maker. His eyes
were a strange color, he was too tall, and his hair was too long. He only had
one friend and he just looked like one of those boys that didn’t care about
being good, or about what anyone thought of him, so he acted out. They didn’t
care what he was really like.
    Despite what Shi looked like, he was the sweetest, most sensitive boy she
had ever met. When Dr. Harris had told her that Shi had an unhealthy obsession
with protecting his little brother, she could easily believe that. He loved so
easily, so completely, and had always acted like the world indeed rested on his
shoulders, like it was his duty to protect everyone. That her father had preyed
on that love, had used that wonderful quality to hurt her child made her feel
enraged. And betrayed.
    “Protecting ourselves is something that is the nature of every living
thing, Shi,” she told him, “I think it’s easier to make a decision to save
ourselves, to protect ourselves from pain. It takes a lot of courage to choose
to save someone else, especially if it means hurting ourselves. I don’t blame
you for what happened, even if you chose to… to let your grandfather do that to
you. Even if you had a choice, he still took advantage of you, it was still his
fault, for even giving you that kind of choice! It couldn’t have been an easy
decision for you and he had no right to place that on you! He manipulated you
and hurt you, not just physically, and I will never forgive him for that! And I
will also never blame you, sweetheart. You did what you thought you had to, to
protect someone you loved. Anyone with a good heart would have made the same
choice. I know my father, and I know that, regardless of what choice you had
made, once he had decided to act, nothing would have stopped him. Even if you
had told him no, to hurt that other person, he would have taken from you
whatever he wanted. You couldn’t have stopped him.”
    Shi looked up at her, his red eyes wide in shock. Anjaleque could feel him
trembling against her and wondered if she had said the right thing. He looked
like a ghost as he tried to comprehend her words, then, like a switch had been
thrown, he started to cry again and buried his head against her. She was
alarmed that she had said something really terrible and insensitive, but this
time was different. His sobbing sounded almost… relieved. Like, instead of
because he was trying to bottle up something painful, making those harsh cries
sound strained, he sounded like he was releasing something from deep inside.
For the first time, she wondered something. Cree couldn’t have… attacked Shi
all that long ago, but the way he was acting… the way he was crying, it was as
though he was letting go of something he had been holding onto for a long time.
She wondered if her words had hit upon that thing inside of him that had been
making him so miserable lately, the thing that had brought on his mental
breakdown. Had he been blaming himself for something, something that he thought
she would never forgive him for?
    Was this what forgiveness felt like, Shi thought as he cried harshly
against his mother. Was this relaxing, comforting, blissful feeling in his
heart forgiveness? If so, he suddenly understood why people went to confession,
why they prayed to God after they had done something sinful, begging for
absolution. To be forgiven by someone, to know that they loved you, even though
you had done something bad… it was one of the most wonderful feelings in the
world. He could feel all that coldness, that dark hole in him, closing up and
melting away. His mommy loved him. More than that, she didn’t even think that
it was his fault. To her, it was only Cree’s fault. He didn’t give that
possibility much thought because, right then, it didn’t matter to him at all
whose fault it was, only what his mother thought of him. Only that she still
loved him.
    Tiredness hit him at that moment like a wagonload of bricks. How much time
had passed since he had fallen asleep? He wasn’t disillusioned into thinking
that he had actually rested, more like run away from reality as fast and as
thoroughly as he could. He didn’t think it was because of the blood loss so
much as complete emotional overload. And suddenly, being awake didn’t matter to
him one bit. Then, it hit him. He didn’t have to worry anymore. He didn’t have
to think about how much time he would have before Cree came back again. That
thought made him stop crying like a switch had been thrown.
    It wasn’t solely on his shoulders anymore. Protecting Eirie, keeping this
secret… his mom knew. The only thing that she didn’t know was that it was Eirie
who was in danger, but after all the things he had told her so far, he wouldn’t
struggle with that. But… he could let his mother take care of everything. She
wouldn’t let Cree come back now, right? Even if she did… just her knowing about
what was going on took an enormous weight from him. For the first time in
almost two years, he felt like his stagnant, frozen life was starting again. It
was his own.
    He felt… not in control, but almost. He suddenly thought of all the things
he could do. He could be with Vel, without feeling all this guilt and pain,
struggling not to let his dark secret come pouring out, to leech off of his
best friend’s overwhelming kindness. He didn’t have to worry about any of that
anymore. He could just be with the boy he loved and not feel so scattered. He
still could never ever tell him what was going on, but he felt like he didn’t
have to. His mother knew. That was enough for him. If Vel was oblivious, that
was perfect to him. He knew that he should be able to tell him anything, but
not this. His best friend’s opinion of him was more important.
    Anjaleque felt her son sag against her, as though he had fallen asleep, but
his eyes were still open. Relief flooded her as she heard him stop crying. Even
though she was fairly sure that he hadn’t been crying because she had hurt him,
saying all that, her maternal instincts couldn’t take the sound of her child’s
tears. However, she was still worried. He felt lifeless in her lap, his
breathing going shallow, and she felt anxious as she looked around her at the
blood that stained the kitchen floor, the blood that she could feel on her
clothes. Shi wasn’t bleeding like he had been when she had found him, collapsed
on the cold floor and shaking like he had been out in a snow storm, but there
was just too much of it for her to relax.
    She was worried that he might be going into shock from the blood loss.
Frankly, she was a teacher, not a nurse, and knew nothing about medicine
besides how to treat for the common cold. Even if the bleeding was stopping,
she wouldn’t be able to relax until she heard from a doctor that her baby
wasn’t too badly hurt, and she was afraid that that wasn’t going to be the
case. Again, she felt rage towards her father. It wasn’t enough that he had do
something that… that terrible and disgusting, he had to have hurt Shi so badly
as well? Her mother had been the religious one in their family, and though
Anjaleque made sure that her family went to church every Sunday, she had never
been especially pious and, lately, hadn’t thought about God at all. But now,
her one prevailing thought was her surety that there was a special place in
Hell for men like her father, men who did nasty things to, not only children,
but their own blood.
    “C’mon, Shi,” she prodded gently, trying to get him to perk up again,
knowing how hard it would be to carry her tall child to the car.
    For the first time, she wondered what she was going to do about Eirie, what
she was going to tell him about why his big brother was so sick, why his
grandfather wasn’t coming over anymore, no way in hell. She wondered if she
should just leave him in the house alone, or take him to the hospital with
them, but that would just make the five year old ask questions that she knew
neither she or her older son had the strength to answer right now. How could
she possibly make a boy Eirie’s age understand such things, when she knew there
was no way she would tell him the truth. She could barely handle what had
happened to Shi herself, that it had happened to her ten year old. She never
wanted Eirie to know what ‘rape’ meant, at least not until he was a teenager.
    And what was she going to tell Jonathan when it was such a struggle for her
to think about it? She wondered what they were going to do about school and
Shi’s counseling sessions. He had had such a hard time telling his own mother,
would he be able to tell Dr. Harris? Should she even let him go and tell Harris
herself what had happened, so she could try to help him, or give Shi a
breather? She certainly didn’t think she should be letting him go to school so
soon. He was already anxious because of his assault on that boy, but now this…
how could she expect him to go when she felt tied up in knots about it? She had
no idea what she should do about any of it. But for now, all she could feel
concerned about was Shi’s health. She would just have to call her husband and
tell him to come right away, to look after Eirie while she took Shi to the
hospital, that was all.
    “We have to get you to the hospital, ok, love?” Anjaleque couldn’t quite
keep the worry about her voice, “But I need for you stand up, do you think you
can do that?”
    Panic hit Shi like a shock wave and, instantly, all of his relief vanished.
A hospital? He shook his head at his mother. No… no, he couldn’t go there!
    “C’mon now,” his mother urged, “No one’s going to do anything to hurt you
anymore, I promise, but we need to get you checked out-”
    “No!” Shi screamed, shaking his head violently.
    He couldn’t go there. If he went and a doctor saw his injuries, then they
would know. Everyone would know! They would ask what had happened and his mom
would tell them.
    “I can’t go there!“ he protested, “I don’t care if anyone hurts me!
Eirie-,”
    Shi suddenly felt like he had been slapped and sat there, completely still,
his red eyes wide in shock. He had told. He had really told. The one thing he
had promised himself that he would never do… and he had done it. Even if his
mom didn’t take him to the hospital, she still knew. She was going to confront
Cree sooner or later and Cree would know that Shi had broken their promise and
he would hurt Eirie… How could he have done that? He had betrayed his little
brother… How had he thought that this was ok?     Was he really that selfish,
to think that everything was ok just because his mom forgave him?! Just because
she knew, it didn’t guarantee that Eirie would be safe! To think that his
mother had that kind of power, to stop Cree with just a word, was just so
childish! He felt his mother touch his face and he look up at her. The complete
look of terror on his face frightened her and, for a moment, she was struck
speechless.
    “Shi, it’s ok. We’re not going to tell Eirie what happened. He won’t know,
no one will, unless you want them to,” she tried to reassure him, mistaking his
fear of his own actions for one of shame at some unknown doctor and his own
brother finding out that he had been raped.
    Pain filled Shi’s heart. He had failed… he hadn’t even thought about Eirie
finding out about that. He had thought that the worst thing ever would be
failing Eirie, but that wasn’t it, not at all. The worst would be seeing the
look in his baby brother’s eyes when he realized that his big brother, his
protector, was full of shit. That the person he had been trusting to save him,
the person he looked up to and thought was so strong and impervious, was so
damned weak. Seeing his brother lose faith in him, and rightfully so, would
that be the last blow to his frail heart?
    After this, if anything bad happened to Eirie, it would be all his fault,
there was no logic in all the world that would be able to convince him of
otherwise. And when Cree did come to hurt Eirie, would he let him know that it
was because of Shi that he had to feel pain? That thought made him tremble and
he doubled over, retching again and very thankful his stomach was empty. Again,
that sharp pain in his stomach hit him, making him feel like his guts were
trying to crawl up his throat. Why was this happening? Why did this hurt so
much? Why couldn’t he control himself anymore? When the spasms in his throat
and stomach finally stopped, Shi very dimly realizing that his mother had been
calling his name since he had doubled over, and he clutched at her again,
desperately. He looked up at her with such a pleading expression, Anjaleque
thought she might cry again, though she didn’t understand why her son looked
like that.
    “Please!” he begged, “You can’t take me to the hospital! If you do, Eirie’s
going to get hurt!”
    Anjaleque’s eyes were wide as she looked down at him, trying to piece his
words together. What she came up with made her finally understand why Shi
looked so horrified.
    “Shi… is… is Eirie the one that your grandfather…” she couldn’t even get
the words out.
    She felt her son tug on her dress so hard, she could feel the material
straining, ready to tear, but all she could consciously care about was the
ashen look on Shi’s face and the tears in his eyes, how desperate and insane he
looked. How much he looked like Odin…
    “This isn’t the first time granddad’s hurt me,” he confessed in a strained,
raw, croaking voice, his throat aching from all the dry heaving he had done.
    Anjaleque took in his words with a quaking feeling in her heart. She
wondered how much more she could take. All of this… it just felt like a dream
all of a sudden. A very bad, vivid dream that she was waiting to wake up from.
    “When did it start?” she asked as calmly as she could, even as she felt her
heart beating wildly in her chest.
    Shi looked away from her, feeling shame welling up inside of him, even
though he knew, logically, she already knew the worst of it, already knew that
he had sold himself to save someone that he loved. But… what was that saying?
That the devil was in the details? Just trying to speak, to tell someone for
the first time, what exactly had happened on that night a year ago, was so
difficult for him. He lowered his head and curled up against her again. He knew
just how childish he was being, but something deep inside of him cried out in
comfort every time he laid against her like this, something almost primitive.
He felt her arms wrap around him again and that part of him quieted happily.
    “The day… the day he came over to the house the first time,” Shi murmured.
    Anjaleque took a shuddering breath. A year… this had been going on for a
year? And suddenly, brutally and violently, it all clicked into place for her,
like the cogs of some terrible torture machine. The reason why her father had
seemed so angry when she had told him that they didn’t want him visiting so
much anymore… Shi’s sicknesses every time he came over… how he had reacted that
night, so distant, not even wanting her to tuck him in… his nightmares, his
eating habits… all those changes… and… and… she gasped to herself silently. His
mental breakdown. His guilt. Him being so worried that Eirie was scared of him
after killing that boy… She wondered how she would feel, if she had let
something like that go on for as long as it had, to make the decision to save
someone she loved, someone who was young and sweet and innocent, only to have
some classmates, a threat she hadn’t even considered, threaten it all.
    She tried to imagine the sort of rage and pain that would come from that,
the threat of failure, after going through so much. She couldn’t. She couldn’t
even imagine what had been going through Shi’s head at the time, or even if she
was just looking into things that weren’t there, but the possibility that Shi
had snapped because it had been Eirie whom her father had threatened made too
much sense to her. It brought too much unbearable clarity. The rage and
poisonous hatred she felt towards her father grew and grew with each word that
Shi spoke and she clutched at him, would have clutched at him as tightly as he
was holding her dress if she hadn’t been so worried about hurting him.
    “Tell me. Please tell me what he did, Shi,” she begged, feeling that, for
once, that barrier that separated them as mother and child breaking down,
leaving them only as equals, two people in pain, and all of a sudden, she
needed that.
    She needed him to tell her. She needed him to put that pain on her
shoulders, so she could bear it for him. Or at the very least, so that the pain
they felt could be the same. The little blonde was silent for a couple of
seconds, but Anjaleque felt no urge to prod him. She knew, someone, even before
he began to speak, that he would tell her everything. There was something in
the air, something that she couldn’t even begin to name, but it was electric,
like the way the air felt right before a terrible storm.
    “After you two left, I put Eirie to bed,” his mother’s words were like some
kind of spell, he felt none of the hesitancy from earlier, and he held nothing
back, “Granddad cornered me in my room. He said… he asked me if I loved Eirie.
I told him I did, more than anything in the world and when he asked me if I
would do anything for him, I told him that I would.”
    ‘That bastard,’ Anjaleque felt, her tears bursting forth and they poured
down her cheeks as she rested her head on top of her child’s, ‘that bastard.’
    It was the only thing she could think, over and over, ‘that bastard’. She
had thought it before, but now knew it for a fact, Cree had used the love Shi
felt for someone, not only that, but had also preyed on the responsibility she
had always praised in him. He had turned it against him, had used it as a
lethal weapon to get Shi to do whatever he wanted him to do. ‘That bastard.’
    “He…” Shi struggled with his words slightly, “He touched me… It felt wrong,
but when he said that he would do it to Eirie if I didn’t let him do it to me…
I couldn’t, Mom, I just couldn’t tell him no…” he sniffed and squeezed his eyes
shut, trying very hard to not let his memories from back then awake in his
heart, tried not to let them hurt him like they had hurt him back then, “He
said that if I fought back, if I ever told you or anyone else what he had done,
he wouldn’t just rape Eirie, he would hurt him, to punish me! I… I didn’t know
what to do! I let him… I let him do that… but it hurt! I thought that I
wouldn’t be able to do it, that I’d let Eirie down! Afterwards, that was all I
could think about, about what would happen if Idid tell! But I was scared…
scared that you might hate me for letting him do that, that you would think I
was disgusting, that Granddad might really hurt Eir’… I couldn’t tell… I
thought it would be better, if I was the only one hurting. If I was the only
one suffering, then that deal was ok. But I just felt dirty and useless, like I
was too weak to stop him, that it was my fault that Eirie was in danger. But it
was my responsibility! I’m his big brother, so… so how could I ever tell? How?”
    He could hear his mother sobbing and could feel her holding him so tightly,
it actually hurt, but once he was done talking, all his sorrow and fear and
shock left him and all he could fear was… tired. Very, very tired. All of a
sudden, he wanted to fall asleep in her arms and have her rock him. He didn’t
want to be awake anymore, didn’t want to feel anything anymore.
    Was she the worst mother in the world? That was all Anjaleque could think
as she listened to her son and cried. For a year… all this time… Shi had been
in such pain. He had held a very dark secret in his heart and had felt so
isolated… he had felt that there was no one in the world he could talk to and
confide him. It had just built up inside of him until he had just snapped.
Anything he had done or said in that time, she could never blame him for. Even
killing that boy. Maybe it wasn’t entirely logical, but in her mind, her father
was more guilty about that than Shi was. She wished that she could have him
arrested for it, that pushing someone into that kind of darkness, to the point
where they had broken down and hurt another person was more illegal than
murder.
    Her father had hurt her baby so much, but through it all, wasn’t she just
as much to blame? This had been going on for an entire year, and she had never
had any clue. She was his mother, and she had even noticed that he had seemed
stressed, but she had never put it together with his bitterness towards his
grandfather. She had taken the easy road and, instead of just sitting down and
talking with Shi about it, she had just assumed that he was bitter because of
Cree’s absence during his early childhood. She didn’t know if Shi would have
told her the truth if she had taken that road, but she should have at least
tried! He had been suffering and hurting and been violated, all while she and
Jonathan had been enjoying their time alone! What sort of mother was she, that
she hadn’t even noticed that it was Cree’s visits that had been hurting Shi so
badly? And Shi… he was stronger than she had ever imagined, suffering in
silence, just to save his little brother.
    “Please,” Shi begged, “Please don’t take me to the hospital, please…”
    “Don’t worry, baby,” she soothed, stroking his hair, “No more, Shi, I
promise. No more…”
    Something inside of Shi’s heart let go, hearing his mother’s promise, not
so much in her words, but her tone, and he let all of himself go along with it,
his eyes sliding shut. Anjaleque felt him sag against her and let go of him
enough to examine his face, lax in sleep. It almost made her panic, how quickly
he had fallen asleep. No, it was more like he had passed out. Was it just from
emotional stress, she wondered, or was he going into shock? Again, the amount
of blood on the floor worried her.
    ‘Please.’
    No more, Anjaleque agreed with herself. Her baby had been through enough.
Doctors and her revenge against her father could wait. Right now, she needed to
care for her child, and to love him. She felt like she hadn’t been, in letting
all this go on behind her back. Earlier, she had thought that Shi was too big,
and too hurt, for her to carry him, but now she gathered him close and picked
him up as though he didn’t weigh anything at all. She didn’t think of it at
all, especially when he wrapped his arms around her neck in his sleep and
snuggled against her. She carried him up the steps and into his bedroom. Along
the way, she heard noises coming from Eirie’s bedroom and the sound of wooden
blocks being knocked together almost violently.
    Somewhere deep inside, her maternal instincts flared, telling her that she
should check on her younger boy. After all of this with Shi, she should make
sure that Eirie was ok. She knew that she should at least let him know not to
bother her and Shi, but she just couldn’t. Right now, she couldn't tear herself
from Shi’s side, even for her other child. She did have a brief moment when she
nearly had a panic attack, entering Shi’s bedroom and realizing that she was
going to have to somehow put Shi down and get his bloody clothes off him
without staining the bed that she planned to lay him in, but it passed.
    ‘Screw it,’ she thought to herself in frustration. If she got blood on the
cover on the end of the bed, she didn’t care if it stained, only making sure
that Shi was comfortable.
    She laid him at the end of the bed, dug out some pajamas from a drawer, and
dressed him as gently, but quickly, as she could. As she took his bloody
clothes off of him, she was hit by the realization of his injuries again. His
jeans, at the very least, were clearly ruined. Guilt ate at her. Should she
break her promise to him and take him to the hospital? For the first time since
Shi’s confession that Eirie was in danger, she felt his fear. What if Cree
really did try to hurt her little redhead? She would never deny Shi care if he
needed it, but she couldn’t deny that his confession scared her.
    For now, anyway, it looked like the bleeding had stopped and when she
dressed him again, no blood stained the bottoms. When he woke up, she thought
tiredly, she would give him a bath, just like she used to when he was little,
but right now she was too scared of waking him up. Maybe she was being
irresponsible, but she dimly knew that she wasn’t thinking very clearly at all
right now. She tucked him in and snuck out of the room, making sure to keep the
door firmly closed, just in case Eirie decided to come out of his room. She
snuck down to the washing room, taking off her bloody dress and pants so she
was only wearing her pale white slip, and stuffed all of the stained clothes
into the washer for later. Then, just as quickly and quietly, she snuck back
upstairs and into Shi’s room.
    She smiled to herself as she saw that Shi was still very much deeply
asleep. She lifted up the covers again and slid in behind him, wrapping her
arms around him and letting the feeling of his familiar skin against hers to
settle her quaking heart a little. As his arms touched hers, she felt
overwhelmed at how long they were, how strong they felt, stuck between the
boyish arms she was used to and the man’s that he would become much later.
Again, she thought of the strength it must have taken for him to sacrifice so
much, all for his little brother.
    “Thank you,” she murmured against his neck as he dozed, oblivious, feeling
tears build up in her eyes again, “Thank you for saving him… but, please…
please don’t ever hurt yourself for someone else again, ok baby?” her words
became soft, little more than a sleepy murmur, “And I promise I’ll be a better
mommy… I promise…”
    Just like Shi, Anjaleque let her tiredness catch up to her and she fell
into a deep, but troubled, sleep.


End Part 9
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