Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3964141.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Jaeger, Past_Eren_Jaeger/Jean, Reiner_Braun/Bertolt_Hoover,
      Sasha_Blouse/Connie_Springer, Krista_Lenz_|_Historia_Reiss/Ymir, Erwin
      Smith/Hanji_Zoe, Jean_Kirstein/Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Eren_Jeager, Levi_ackerman, rivaille_ackerman, mikasa, Armin, Krista
      Lenz, Ymir_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Reiner_Braun, Bertolt_Hoover, Erwin
      Smith, Hanji_Zoe, Petra_Ral, Carla_Jaeger, Grisha_Yeager, Jean_Kirstein,
      Marco_Bott, Sasha_Blouse, Connie_Springer
  Additional Tags:
      Slow_Build, Horrible!Jean, Artist/Singer/Violinist!Eren, Rivaille_is
      Levi's_twin, Mentions_of_Rape, mentions_of_abuse, Mentions_of
      Prostitution, mainly_in_later_chapters, Eren_is_hiding_the_pain, Eren_has
      had_a_shit_life, Levi_has_had_an_okay_life, i'll_add_more_tags_as_i_go
      along, Self_Harm, Suicidal_Thoughts, Husky_dog!Mikasa, Golden
      retriever!Armin, bottom!Eren, Top!Levi, collage!au, CHANGED_STORYLINE,
      Eren_and_Jean_are_still_together_in_the_beginning, It'll_add_to_the
      angst, Levi_is_an_English_major, Levi_Is_Bad_At_Feelings, But_he's_also
      amazing_at_them, Just_not_when_it_comes_to_his_own_feelings
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-05-18 Chapters: 1/? Words: 1259
****** Paint me White, Hide the Black ******
by Meluinth
Summary
     Eren Jaeger's life has not been a kind one. At the age nine, he lost
     his mother - the only barrier protecting him from his abusive father.
     As a child he only knew pain and how to properly pleasure a person.
     When he was ten, he was forced to work in brothel on the sides of
     going to school, and he quickly rose through the ranks until he
     managed to pay off the debt he owed them.
     Only one person was ever there to truly know how he was hurt, and
     that person stabbed him in the back when he was fifteen and finally
     thought he was free.
     Now at seventeen, he's managed to piece together his life and attends
     a prestigious collage. He lives alone, with only two dogs who has
     been with him since he was four for company. All that changed when he
     meets Levi Ackerman, a student that has recently returned from a
     years overseas study in France and taken an interest in his life.
Notes
     This is something I want to continue but don't know if I should. If I
     do, the updates will be few and far between but I'll try my best. If
     you like it, please be sure to leave some feedback as it will help
     give me motivation.
     This is an all over the place fic tbh, what I'm trying to do is show
     the hints of darkness but keep it light so the characters seem how
     you'd expect them to be- except it's the opposite. (In later chapters
     it will become clearer)
     ALSO, I've started work on the second (first) chapter and I've
     changed Eren's age for when certain thingshave happened to him.
I’m here. Again.
I hate it here, but then again, it’s not a place where the happiest people in
the world are brought to be together.
No, it was a place for exactly the opposite people actually.
Trost Psychiatric Hospital.
A nut house basically.
I’ve been here before when I was younger, so I adjusted pretty quickly.The
familiar pure white walls, the constant smell of disinfectant burning my nose
and throat with a lingering air of craziness. The sights and smell of where
somebody like me truly belongs.
Ah yes, nothing’s changed since I was last here – I even have the same doctor.
But unfortunately, they’ve put me in a different room. The orderly said it was
because there was still a slight blood stain on the floor when I tried to slit
my wrists in there last time.
Oops.
But despite what you may think, I’m not crazy, not like that woman on the floor
above me who has to wear a strait jacket because she says the devil is in her
and blood must be spilt for him to claim the Earth and take revenge on heaven.
And I’m definitely not like the man who, when a doctor was speaking to another
patient and asked,
“Why did you throw the bottle at the wall?”
And the patient replied simply, “Because God told me to.”
The man who I’m speaking of, shot up from his bed and shouted angrily, “I said
no such thing!”
Yes, I’m in a psychiatric ward, but I’m not crazy.
I’m just broken. Very badly. Like, into a million tiny tiny pieces broken.
But they say they can fix me, so I've just got to take their word for it.
Not that I believe them.
Fuck no, they could just make it worse. The only one who could have a hope of
fixing me. I'm not allowed to see. He's still recovering in the hospital, but
I've been informed it's just a precaution and he's all clear and was being
released tomorrow.
He'll live.
So I'll try to get better for him. Just like I promised. The trouble was...
It's so hard without him here with me, telling me how much of a fucking idiot I
was for destroying my body.
 
I was pulled from my musings by the doctor trying to get me to speak again.
Not going to happen.
I don’t want to retell how I failed the one person who made me feel like I was
important. Made me feel like I was worth more than taking everybody else’s shit
and… that I mattered.
It probably sounds stupid.
But it’s true.
I let him down.
I watched him fall, and I couldn’t save him.
Though he was technically saving me. Funny how the world works like that.
“Eren, I’m only trying to help you. If you don’t get better then you won’t be
able to see him again.” His name was Doctor Whitehall, he’s been ‘working with
me so I can get over the trauma and move on with my life’.
It’s a load of bullshit. He’s here because he’s paid to be. He doesn’t really
care.
Nobody does. Only he did. And I let him down.
My hands clenched in the black plastic chair I was curled up in, the motion
didn’t go unnoticed by the doctor and he moved to sit behind his desk, sighing
in exasperation at my refusal to even utter a word.
It’s been like this since I got here, me not speaking to anybody. If I didn’t
speak nobody would get hurt, right?
“Eren, I need to understand how you’re feeling and how you saw what happened so
I can actually help you. I know you don’t believe me when I say that, but
amazingly, I and everybody else here do care.”
My eyes flicker up to him, wincing as the light hit my ashen and hollowed face.
I hadn’t been eating a lot. It all tasted like cardboard compared to what the
one who protected me made.
“We found the piece of broken glass under your mattress,don’t think we don’t
know you started cutting again. Levi wouldn’t like that is he found out, would
he?”
No.
How dare you say his name you fucking pig?!
“And now you’re not eating either… Dear me, you’ll be causing him so much worry
if he found out.”
Doctor Whitehall moved and sat behind his desk, placing his elbows on the table
top and lacing his fingers together to made a cradle in which he could rest his
chin. His long dirty blonde hair fell in front of his eyes and he peered at me
with his electric blue eyes from the rim of his glasses. I could see a small
smirk on his lips, he knew the name would make me react.
And despite how much I longed to prove him wrong and continue my silence, he
opened my mouth to lick my chapped lips, swallowing thickly even though my
voice still came out rough and scratchy.
“You have no right to say his name.”
Whitehall chuckled, his deep voice echoing around the spotless white room.
“So he finally talks, at last. You sound so much older then when you last saw
me here.”
I shot him a deadly glare, my fists tightening so much that my knuckles started
turning white and my breathing began to get ragged. “Calm down Eren.. Please,
now you’ve spoken, why don’t you tell me what happened?”
“I… Can’t.” I reply brokenly, all my anger leaving me and making me slouch low
in the chair. I’ll admit, I have grown to trust Dr.Whitehall, and he did have
me the last time I was admitted so I know him.
At each of our sessions he would get me to talk, but I would again refuse, so
he would talk to me about pointless things, getting my expressions back so I
wasn’t suck behind fifty walls, all of them chained and padlocked. And while he
didn’t break them, he managed to chip them so with him at least, I would show
something other than blankness on my face and in my eyes.
But with him pushing like this… I could tell he was being pressured to get
results and his patience was wearing thin, though he never showed it.
“Why can’t you Eren?” He asked kindly, his pen making rapid scratching nices on
the paper as he wrote notes down.
“I.. Failed him.. If I talk about it, I’m reliving it.. And I'm failing him
again.”
I explain in a quiet voice, knowing the explanation was weak but I found it
hard to explain how I was feeling inside. I just… Couldn’t.
“I thought that might be the problem, so I want you to try something for me.
Tell me about everything, no matter how trivial, but instead of using personal
words such as ‘I’, try using ‘he’ instead. Tell me the story of a boy named
Eren Jaeger and what he went though.”
I looked up at him, slowly uncurling as I thought about it.
I could do that.. I could tell the story of a boy named Eren, because it wasn’t
me in those situations, it was just another boy who happened to be called Eren.
The story of how a broken boy eventually put his trust in somebody to piece
back the pieces of his life.
Taking a deep breath I prepared myself, as did Dr. Whitehall, and looked up at
him with a spark in my eyes.
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