Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/740365.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Everwood
  Relationship:
      Ephram_Brown/Colin_Hart
  Character:
      Ephram_Brown, Colin_Hart, Delia_Brown, Andy_Brown, Amy_Abbott, Bright
      Abbott, Original_Male_Character
  Additional Tags:
      First_Time, Angst, Teen_Angst, Coming_Out, Coming_of_Age, Romance, Teen
      Romance, Secret_Relationship, Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-03-29 Chapters: 14/14 Words: 37242
****** One Word ******
by bigboobedcanuck
Summary
     Ephram and Colin fall for each other. Much angst and heartbreak
     ensues on the road to true love.
     Colin spoke again. “Look, nothing has to change. This will be our
     secret, right? We’re just…good friends. Right?”
     Ephram nodded. “Right. Friends. It’s one of those things…it doesn’t,
     like, mean anything. It’s cool. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
     Colin’s voice rang with false cheer. “Yeah, see ya.”
Notes
     Adding my old fic from LJ to this archive. This is from 2003, which
     seems impossible, but somehow it's been 10 years. Please forgive any
     mistakes in these old stories. :)
***** Instinct *****
Ephram knocked softly on the darkroom door, not quite sure why he was there in
the first place. School was over, but after he overheard Colin telling Amy that
he was staying behind to develop some pictures, Ephram decided that he’d hang
around, too.
He shuffled his feet nervously on the worn tile of the art-room floor as he
waited. Ephram could hear nothing from beyond the door, and wondered if he
hadn’t knocked loudly enough. He raised his fist to strike the door harder, but
it hovered in mid-air uncertainly.
Maybe he should just forget it and go home.
But then again, what was the big deal? He didn’t exactly have a big line-up of
exciting activities waiting for him there. Sitting alone in his room brooding
was beginning to lose its appeal and he wanted to hang with someone his own
age.
That was perfectly normal. Very, very normal.
Laynie was gone back to boarding school, and it was almost as if she’d never
been back in Everwood at all. Colin and Amy seemed to be in fine Homecoming
form, doing their best to have a storybook happy ending for the royal couple.
Laynie had said Colin was crazy about Amy, and Ephram felt his heart tug at the
memory of her words.
Because of how he felt about Amy, of course.
Ephram hadn’t spent much time with them lately, had kept his distance. He
lowered his hand without knocking again and thought that maybe he should just
stay away. But Colin was his friend, wasn’t he? He just wanted to see how
things were going, just hang out for a while.
Ephram rolled his eyes at his own indecision and knocked sharply on the door.
After a moment, the door opened and Colin stood in the antechamber to the dark
room, blinking into the light.
“Hey, Ephram. What’s up?”
Ephram smiled nervously. “Nothing. I was just…you know, hanging out. I was just
wondering how things were going.”
“Okay, I guess. Well, come on in.”
Ephram closed the door behind him and they were plunged into darkness. He could
hear Colin searching for the knob on the other door, and heard him swear under
his breath.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. It’s just my hand. I’m supposed to try and do normal things with it, now
that the feeling has started to come back and I don’t have to wear the sling,
but it’s just…hard. I mean, I can’t even open a fucking door right, you know?”
Colin sounded frustrated.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m in no rush.” Ephram realized the words were true. In the
tiny, dark antechamber, he stood very close to Colin, and he felt the sudden
urge to stand closer, to feel the warmth of Colin’s body against his.
Ephram took a step backwards, smacking into the outer door. What the hell was
he thinking? Jesus, he must really be pathetically lonely. What kind of crazy
thought was that?
“What’s wrong, E, you scared of the dark?”
Ephram forced a laugh out. “No, I just…shut up, and don’t call me that.”
Colin laughed and the darkroom door finally opened, the small room aglow in
warm, red light. On one side was a table with trays of developing fluid, the
other side set up with clotheslines to hang the drying pictures on.
“So, have you always liked photography?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.” Colin went over to the last tray and, with
rubberized tongs, awkwardly removed a finished print. It was a picture of the
mountains behind the school. “Mr. Kinsey thinks it’s a good idea, since I can’t
paint, or draw or whatever we’re supposed to be doing in art class. It’s good
exercise for my hand to hold the camera and stuff.”
“Cool.” Ephram slung his knapsack off his shoulder and put it in the corner. He
took his jacket off as well and threw it on top while looking around the room.
All of the other pictures hanging up were outdoor scenes from around town and
in the woods. “These are great pictures, Colin. You’ve got a good eye.”
“Sure, I guess.”
“No, I really mean it. I’m not just being nice.”
Colin turned from the table and looked at Ephram. He smiled slightly, looking
sheepish. “Sorry. I know you’re not like that; you don’t lie to make me feel
better. I really like that about you.”
Ephram was glad the room was already suffused in red light, because it
concealed the blush that he could feel creeping up his face. “Um, thanks.”
Colin returned to his work and Ephram hopped up to sit on the counter, just off
to the side of the hanging photographs. He leaned against the wall and watched
Colin. “So, what are all the different solutions for?”
Colin explained the process carefully, and Ephram could sense that he was proud
of himself for learning it. He was making progress in his recovery, but it was
still an uphill battle. Ephram knew his father was concerned about Colin’s
health, but things had seemed okay lately, at least from what he knew.
Colin finished talking, and they settled into silence again.
“So, no pictures of people?”
Colin paused and then answered, “ there are a couple in here. I find it easier
to take pictures of things that don’t talk back. Things that don’t want to
help.”
“Oh. Yeah, I get that.”
“Well, you would.” Colin turned again and grinned.
Once again, Ephram was thankful for the soft, red lights.
Colin continued, “I know everyone has good intentions, it’s just…they make me
so tired. You know? I like getting away and taking pictures and then coming
here, it’s peaceful.”
Ephram was suddenly embarrassed. Here he was, invading Colin’s sanctuary. He
sat up straight from where he had been leaning on the wall. “Hey, I can go. You
know, if you want to be alone, or whatever.”
“No!” Colin’s voice was raised and it reverberated in the small room. He took a
breath and spoke normally. “I mean, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want.
But I don’t mind having you here. I…I like having you around, Ephram. It’s
cool.”
Ephram felt strangely relieved. “Okay.” He didn’t know what else to say.
Colin went back to work, and began talking in a rush. “I know Amy tries not to
compare me to the way I used to be, but I know she does. Same with Bright and
my parents. It’s just…it hurts to see the hurt in their eyes when I don’t
remember things, or when I act differently to how I would have back then. They
all just want things the way they used to be, but I don’t think that’s ever
going to happen.”
Ephram looked at Colin’s back, could see the hunch in his shoulders. “Well,
things seem to be going good with you and Amy. Laynie said you really liked
her.”
Colin put down the tongs. “I’m supposed to, right? That's the way it’s meant to
be, she’s my girlfriend and all. And she’s nice and pretty, what more could I
want?”
Ephram didn’t know how to answer. Finally, he asked, “but do you really like
her? It's just...if it’s not there, it’s not there.”
“That would work out pretty well for you, huh?”
Ephram gulped. “What? No, that’s not why I said it. I don’t really like Amy
like that anymore.” The words had rushed out of him and they hung in the air.
Ephram had denied his feelings for Amy many times, but this time, it felt
different. Did…did he actually mean it?
“You look surprised, or something.”
“Yeah. I…look, Colin…you know that I liked Amy, but honestly, I don’t feel that
way now. She’s all yours. She always was.” Ephram knew the truth of his words
and strangely enough…it felt okay. He should be sad, or something, shouldn’t
he?
Colin smiled ruefully. “Yeah, she’s all mine. Too bad I don’t want her either.”
They stared at each other, Ephram’s mouth slightly open in shock.
“But, Laynie said…”
“I just let her and my parents think what they want to. And I tried, I really
did. I mean, I should like Amy. But…I don’t feel that way about her. And I
don’t know if I ever did.”
“Are you remembering more? I thought you guys were really happy and stuff.”
“It’s just…vague memories, more like feelings, or I don’t know…an instinct,
maybe. I just don’t think I ever really liked Amy like that. It was
more…comfortable, and easy, I think. God, I don’t know.” Colin turned away
again and poured more solution into one of the trays. It sloshed over the sides
and dripped onto the table.
Ephram sat silently, trying to think of what to say. Laynie had said Colin was
going to break up with Amy before the accident. Should he tell him that? He
regarded Colin, who was staring blankly at the wet drops on the table. Before
he could speak, Colin did.
“It was easy then, but it’s hard now. I just don’t feel the way I’m expected
to. But I don’t think I did then, either. I was supposed to be in love with
her, but I wasn’t.”
Ephram made up his mind. “You’re right, Colin. I don’t think you were.”
Colin turned, his eyes questioning.
“Laynie told me you were going to break up with Amy, that you didn’t feel for
her what she felt for you.” He paused while Colin took it in. “Listen, I know
that some people expect you to be a certain way, and think certain things, but
you have to trust yourself. Trust your instincts. That’s kinda why we have
them, you know?” He smiled in a way he hoped was reassuring.
Colin met his eyes, and they shone with something Ephram couldn’t quite put his
finger on. Gratitude, perhaps. All he knew was that there was something
beautiful in Colin’s eyes, and in his gentle smile.
Wait, beautiful? Ephram shook his head slightly, trying to get his thoughts
together. Sure, Colin was good-looking …but guys didn’t that way about other
guys. If he was going to be honest with himself, he’d had similar thoughts
about other boys over the years, but they were just…anomalies, nothing real.
Nothing real. Not even worth thinking about, just stupid things thoughts that
people have that don’t mean anything.
Colin was still looking at him.
Then, before Ephram could say anything else, Colin closed the space between
them, coming to stand in front of Ephram, who was still perched on the counter.
“You’re right, Ephram. I should follow my instincts.” He was standing close
now, his body coming into contact with Ephram’s knees and legs, dangling from
the counter.
Ephram felt frozen, a deer in the headlights. He swallowed convulsively.
Thoughts swirled through his mind, all moving too fast to get a handle on. He
stared at Colin’s face as his mind finally slowed down enough to register that
Colin’s hands were now resting on his knees.
The counter wasn’t very high, so they were still almost eye-to-eye. In the red
light, everything was soft and he thought again that Colin looked beautiful.
His skin felt warm through his jeans where Colin’s hands rested lightly.
Still, Ephram couldn’t speak.
But then he didn’t have to, as Colin leaned closer and pressed his lips to his.
Ephram’s breath caught in his chest as Colin’s lips exerted a gentle pressure
against his. Both of them seemed frozen in place, the soft kiss binding them
together.
After what seemed like a very long time, Colin moved slightly back and broke
the kiss gently. He looked apprehensive, his eyes searching Ephram’s for a
reaction.
For acceptance.
Ephram didn’t even know his hand had moved until he saw it brush Colin’s cheek.
He moved it slowly behind his head and drew Colin to him, their lips meeting
again, moving more this time, their mouths coming together with more force.
Colin’s fingers splayed out on Ephram’s knees and Ephram’s legs spread further
apart, Colin moving close between them.
Their mouths were open now, tongues dancing together as they pressed closer to
each other. Ephram’s fingers tangled in Colin’s hair as his tongue explored his
mouth and Colin moaned in pleasure.
He finally had to break away, both of them gasping for breath, Colin’s hands
now gripping Ephram’s thighs (the right one somewhat awkwardly), pulling him
closer to the edge of the counter. Colin kissed him again, his left hand now
roaming over Ephram’s back and down to his ass.
Ephram’s mind reeled as Colin sucked his tongue into his mouth and the kiss
went on and on. He was hard and he reached one hand down to see if Colin was,
too. He was, and Ephram stroked him through his jeans.
He wondered briefly what the hell he was doing, but the thought was fleeting.
Colin’s lips left his and he wavered slightly, moaning. Ephram slid off the
counter and steadied him, his arms going around him. Colin’s lips found
Ephram’s neck, and they pressed together tightly, the friction of their bodies
making them both moan.
Their hips moved together and they both panted, their breath coming in short
gasps. Finally Colin stiffened and he cried out in pleasure. Ephram stopped
moving and looked at Colin’s face as he came. Colin slumped into him,
breathless.
After a few moments, Colin straightened up and kissed him again. His hands
fumbled for the zipper of Ephram’s jeans, and Ephram helped him. Colin slipped
his left hand in and stroked him roughly, and before long Ephram was coming as
well, and his only thought was that it had never been like this before with his
own hand.
They stood silently, catching their breath and leaning into each other.
After a while, Colin moved his arms around Ephram and hugged him tightly, and
Ephram hugged him back. Then Colin moved away abruptly and they both went about
cleaning up, suddenly awkward with each other.
The spell was broken.
They hadn’t spoken a word during the whole…encounter? Event? What the hell do
you call it when you get off with another guy in a darkroom, Ephram wondered.
“Um, so…” Ephram’s voice sounded strange to his own ears. “Well, I guess I
should get home.” He put his coat on.
“Yeah, I’ve got to go meet Amy at the diner in a bit.” Colin’s back was again
turned.
Amy. Suddenly Ephram felt the outside world encroaching upon them. Amy, Bright,
his dad…oh god, what his dad say if he knew about this? What would anyone say?
He knew Colin felt it, too.
Colin spoke again. “Look, nothing has to change. This will be our secret,
right? We’re just…good friends. Right?”
Ephram nodded. “Right. Friends. It’s one of those things…it doesn’t, like, mean
anything. It’s cool. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
Colin’s voice rang with false cheer. “Yeah, see ya.”
Ephram closed the darkroom door behind him and stood in the pitch-black
antechamber. He wanted to open the outer door and run out past the easels,
through the school and into the cold, late-afternoon air without ever looking
back.
But deep down Ephram knew that it was another door that had been opened, and he
didn’t know if it could ever be closed.
***** Expectation *****
Ephram slouched into the kitchen and opened the fridge, staring blankly at the
contents.
“Ephram? Is something bothering you?”
Ephram turned to regard his father, sitting at the counter and looking at him
with a concerned gaze. “No, everything’s fine.” He turned back to the fridge.
“Well, you just seem pretty quiet lately. I mean, more than usual.” Andy forced
out a laugh.
Great, Ephram thought, with a mental eye-roll. Dad’s trying to bond and be
pals. “Everything’s fine, dad. Don’t worry about it.” Ephram closed the fridge
and left the kitchen.
“Well, if you want to talk, you know I’m always here, Ephram,” his father
called after him.
Ephram ignored him and returned to the cocoon of his room. It was easier in
here, he thought. No one to talk to, no one to talk back and ask what the
problem was. Because there was no problem, not really.
So he kissed another guy. Whatever, it apparently happened a lot with
teenagers. Experimentation, right? Totally normal. Okay, so they’d done a bit
more than just kissing. The memory of Colin’s warm hand on his cock ricocheted
through Ephram’s brain and he rubbed his face, as if he could erase the memory
like words from a chalkboard.
It didn’t mean anything. Hell, he’d been crazy about Amy for ages after he’d
moved to this crappy town. It’s not like he was...no, that was just ridiculous.
It was nothing.
Ephram sighed and grabbed his Discman, turning up the old Rage Against the
Machine CD.
The more noise, the better.
Still, his mind raced, and he cursed himself again for not being able to put
this behind him, as Colin clearly had. He felt a flash of pain, which he
quickly tramped down, as he thought of Colin.
It had been almost a week since the day in the darkroom. Apparently, Colin
hadn’t given it a second thought, since he and Amy were just as adorable as
ever. They got into a tickle fight in the library earlier in the day, and
Ephram had watched from the other side of the room. He had to retreat into the
stacks, the musty smell of the books suddenly making him want to throw up.
At least, he tried to convince himself it was the books.
They said hi in the hallways, Colin and Amy and Bright holding court with their
loyal subjects trailing along behind, the latter shooting Ephram poisonous
glances. Ephram said hi back, pretended that seeing Colin was no big deal.
Which it wasn’t.
He kept to himself, not even talking to Wendell. Ephram was afraid that if he
started talking, words would come tumbling out that he would regret. Everyone
already thought he was a freak; he didn’t need to prove them right.
The CD ended, and Ephram took out his earphones and turned out the light. He
prayed for a dreamless sleep, without red tint and soft breath echoing in his
ear.
 
“Hey.”
Ephram looked up from his history textbook, which he hadn’t really been
reading. Colin hovered beside his desk. They were early, and only a few other
classmates sat in the room.
Ephram swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “Hey.” Very original.
“So, how’s it going?” Colin looked nervous. He was going for “casual,” but
Ephram could see through him.
“It’s fine. Never better. Why do you ask?” Ephram could hear the brittleness in
his voice. He returned his gaze to his textbook.
“I…was just wondering. Look, can I talk to you after class?”
Ephram looked back up. Colin looked at him with his blank stare. “Why? I don’t
think we have anything to talk about.” Ephram felt the anger coursing through
him. He wanted to leap up and hit him. He wanted to make Colin feel like he
did.
“Okay, forget it.” Colin moved away and sat in his desk.
As the rest of the class filed in, Ephram stared at the meaningless textbook.
The teacher began droning, and not for the first time he wished that he could
be over the hills and far away.
 
----------------------------------
 
Ephram slammed his locker shut and walked down the hall, happy that at least he
could go home to the safety and silence of his room. He stopped short when he
saw Colin at the end of the hall.
People rushed around them, eager to leave school. Ephram thought about turning
around and going another way, but he didn’t want to look like he was scared.
What did he have to be scared about? Colin had started the whole stupid thing.
He squared his shoulders and strode down the hall.
“Hey,” he said to Colin as he neared him. Cool, casual. See, there was no
problem here. Colin reached out with his good left hand, and lightly grabbed
Ephram’s arm. He could feel Colin’s fingers burning him through his clothing.
Nope, no problem at all.
“Look, can we just talk. Please?”
Ephram pulled his arm away. “Fine, whatever. Where do you want to go?”
The question hung in the air, and Ephram thought anywhere but...there.
“I was going to take some pictures at the lookout, you wanna come? I mean,
we’re still friends, right?”
Ephram contemplated this. “Yeah, right. Sure, let’s go.”
They walked in silence out into the crisp, late-afternoon air.
Finally, Colin spoke. “So, how’s it going?”
“It’s fine. How’s Amy?” Ephram winced at the bitterness in the question. God,
he was acting all…jealous, or something.
“She’s good. You know, the usual.”
“Uh huh.”
Silence descended again at they reached the trail. The sun was shining, and
despite himself, Ephram smiled at the hint of spring in the air. He breathed
deeply.
“Pretty cool weather, huh?”
“Yeah.” So, is this how things were going to be? So much for still being
friends. Talking about Colin’s girlfriend and the weather.
When they reached the lookout, Colin took out his camera and checked the
settings. His actions were slow and deliberate, but his right hand was
definitely improving, Ephram noted.
Colin snapped some pictures and Ephram leaned against a tree, watching.
Finally, he spoke. “So, what did you want to talk about, Colin?”
Colin put his camera back in its case, carefully. “I just wanted to make sure
things were cool. You know, that you’re not...I don’t know, expecting
anything.”
“Me?” Ephram was incredulous and he straightened up from the tree. “You’re the
one who kissed me!”
Shit.
He hadn’t meant to say that. Not out loud. Now it was out there, he had
assigned words to the…thing that happened.
Colin blushed and looked down. “I know, and I know I said a lot of stuff about
not liking Amy. But…you understand why it has to be like this, right? I can’t
break up with her, I have to be what they want me to be. I can’t disappoint
everyone.”
“Yeah, except me.”
Shit.
His lips really needed to be glued shut. He thought of the interrogation scene
in “The Matrix.” Could someone please just remove his mouth?
“Ephram…I…” Colin stumbled over the words and he turned away, looking out at
the vista spread before them.
Ephram didn’t know what the hell to do. It was ridiculous that they should be
having this conversation. They were just good friends, right? That’s what
they’d said then. Red-drenched images flashed unbidden through his mind.
Ephram stood beside him, keeping his eyes forward. “Look, Colin. All I know is
that…” He paused, and then took a deep breath. “All I know is that when I see
you, all I can think about is kissing you again. I don’t know what’s happening
to me, but that’s what I know.”
Colin said nothing, staring blankly ahead.
“Look, forget it, just stay with Amy, and whatever. It’s cool, I’m sure this is
just some stupid phase that doesn’t mean anything. Okay? So just forget it.”
Ephram’s words left him in a rush and he picked up his knapsack from where he
has tossed it on the ground when they’d arrived.
He turned back to the trail, fighting the urge to run.
Suddenly Ephram was being spun around, and Colin’s glittering eyes met his. His
hands clutched Ephram’s shoulders.
“I’m sorry, Ephram. You don’t know how sorry I am. I think the same thing,
okay? I think the same thing.” Then his lips were on Ephram’s, and the world
slid out of focus and away.
Ephram dropped his bag and wound his arms around Colin, Colin’s lips soft on
his, their tongues already meeting. He reveled in the taste, the smell, the
sensation.
He felt a passion that he had never felt for Amy. Or for Laynie. Or for anyone
else.
Colin pressed him back against a tree beside the path, pressing their bodies
close together. Ephram wished they were not wearing so many clothes. Their
mouths still moved together and Ephram wished they weren’t wearing clothes at
all.
They kissed and kissed, stopping only to breath and to work their hands beneath
the layers. Ephram ran his hands up Colin’s bare back beneath his shirt and
caressed the soft skin.
Colin sucked on his neck, and Ephram tried to catch his breath. He realized
that Colin was sinking to his knees before him, and he scrambled for a tighter
grip.
“Are you okay? Do you feel dizzy?”
Colin looked up from where he now knelt on the ground. “I’m fine. Don’t worry,
E.” He smiled crookedly.
Ephram opened his mouth to remind Colin not to call him that, when he realized
that his pants were being opened. Colin had managed to do it himself. The
physiotherapy had certainly been doing wonders, Ephram thought.
Then he didn’t think anymore, as Colin’s mouth was on his cock, and he had
never felt anything quite so wonderful in all his life.
He tried to speak, to tell Colin to stop.
They shouldn’t be doing this. Even if it felt like a hundred standing ovations
all wrapped up into one wonderful sensation. Ephram’s hands were in Colin’s
hair, and he moaned and felt that his chest might burst from lack of oxygen.
Colin was licking and sucking, and suddenly Ephram was coming in his mouth,
crying out, the noise echoing in his brain, and maybe across the mountains as
well.
Ephram opened his eyes, and saw that the setting sun had cast a pink hue over
the landscape.
He thought he’d never seen a sunset so perfect.
He looked down and met Colin’s eyes. He realized that Colin had choked a bit,
and was coughing and wiping his mouth. He flushed with embarrassment.
“Hey, are you okay? I’m really sorry, it just happened so fast.” He sank down
and knelt with Colin on the ground.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve just…never done that before. I was just…surprised, I
guess.”
“Yeah.” Holy shit. A guy had just sucked his dick. And anyone could have come
along and seen them. He looked around quickly.
They were still alone.
Ephram reached down and fixed himself up. He saw a wet spot on Colin’s jeans,
and realized that he’d already come, too.
Colin saw his gaze and said sheepishly, “It didn’t need much encouragement.”
They laughed and Ephram leaned over and kissed him. He could taste himself on
Colin’s lips, and he realized, disconcertingly, that it was…kinda hot.
Shit.
When did this happen? When did he get turned on by the taste of cum? Where was
this going to stop?
But he didn’t need to look for an answer, because Colin was struggling to his
feet and Ephram could sense that, once again, he had turned on his façade.
Jesus, it was like a light switch.
“Look, Ephram. What I said before still goes. This is just something between
us, no one has to know. It’s not like anything…real, or whatever. Everything’s
still normal.”
Right, normal. This coming from the guy who’d just given him a blow job.
Colin kept talking. “I don’t know why I did that, I just wanted to try it.
We’re just good friends.”
Ephram sighed. So, here they were again. “Yeah, Colin. Just good friends.” The
sarcasm was unmistakable. He grabbed his knapsack and took off down the path.
He turned for a split second and regretted it, knowing that later he’d dream of
Colin, standing forlorn against the beautiful, darkening sky.
***** Want *****
“Hey, Ephram.”
Great. Amy. A few months ago (hell, maybe even a few weeks ago), Ephram’s heart
would have leapt at the sound of her voice. Now all he felt was guilt. He’d
tried to avoid her and had been doing a pretty good job. Because avoiding Amy
meant avoiding Colin, which was at the top of his priority list.
“Hi. How’s it going?” He forced a smile onto his face.
“Great. Things are great. You seem pretty quiet lately.”
“What, you miss me at the cool kid’s table?” Ephram turned back to his locker
and pulled out a textbook.
“Yeah.” At Ephram’s look of disbelief, Amy lowered her head. “I just wanted to
say hi, Ephram.”
Ephram softened. It really wasn’t Amy’s fault that he was crazy about her
boyfriend.
Whoa.
What the hell was he thinking? He shook his head and slammed his locker shut.
“Everything’s cool, Amy. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Okay. Oh, there’s Colin. Bye!”
Ephram tried not to watch her move down the hall, but he couldn’t look away.
Amy reached Colin and gave him a big kiss. Colin didn’t take his eyes from her.
Ephram turned and walked away, refusing to allow himself the luxury of looking
back again.
--------------------
“So, how’s Colin doing these days?”
Ephram froze. He kept his eyes on the carrot he was chopping, the knife
hovering an inch above. “How should I know? I’m not his doctor.”
“But you are his friend, right? I didn’t mean medically, just in general.”
“He hangs out a lot with Amy and Bright. He seems fine.” Ephram concentrated on
breathing. In. Out. In. Out.
“Well, that’s good. It can be hard for some patients who’ve been through what
he has to readjust to their old lives.”
“Oh, Colin’s doing just fine, don’t worry about him.” Sarcasm tinged Ephram’s
voice. He resumed chopping. Yep, Colin was doing fine. Hanging with his loyal
girlfriend and his old buddies and not giving a thought to Ephram. Sure, he had
said that he cared about him, but that only seemed to be when he wanted…the
word got stuck in Ephram’s brain. When he wanted that.
Ephram looked up at his father, who was looking at him with concern.
“What? Dad, why are you staring at me?”
His father sighed. “Sorry, you just seem…I don’t know, not yourself lately.”
“What, surly and sarcastic? Since when is that not me?” Ephram rinsed the knife
off and dried his hands. “I’ve got homework, you’ll have to make the rest of
dinner without me.”
Upstairs in his room, he shut the door and laid down on the bed, closing his
eyes.
If only he could somehow close down his brain.
-------------------
“Faggot.”
Ephram’s heart stopped. His eyes were fixed on the interior of his locker, and
if he could have, he’d have climbed inside.
“What’s the matter, faggot? Here, I’ll give you something big to suck on!”
Raucous laugher followed and Ephram turned to see Wendell getting shoved into
the lockers. The relief that they weren’t talking about him was swift.
“Hey! Leave him alone!” The words were out of Ephram’s mouth before he even
knew he was saying them. Heads swiveled and the jocks regarded Ephram.
“Aw, isn’t that sweet? Wendell’s boyfriend is standing up for him.”
“I’m not his boyfriend. Just stop being such dicks and leave him alone.”
Ephram’s heart pounded and the queasiness had returned to his stomach. Bright
and Colin were not among the dumb jocks hassling Wendell, for which he was
grateful. He recognized a couple of them from the day at the mine, when they
had made the prank call to Amy. “He’s not gay. God, can’t you morons be a
little more original?”
“Who do you think you’re calling a moron?” The leader moved towards Ephram.
Wendell took the opportunity to make a hasty exit.
“Hey, guys. What’s going on?” Colin appeared, moving out of the way as Wendell
rushed by him.
“We’re just going to teach this little asshole not to go around calling people
names.” He approached menacingly.
“Come on, Harris. It’s not worth it," Colin said, his tone firm.
Harris halted his progression and they all looked at Colin. Colin The First’s
power over his court was still in evidence. Bright appeared at his side and
they all shuffled off to go talk about banging chicks, Ephram presumed.
He tried not to think about why Colin had defended him. He also tried not to
think about how Colin’s lips were perfectly shaped for kissing, and how much he
wanted to run after him down the hall.
His heart still pounded.
-------------------------
Ephram stood at the sink, washing his hands. School was over, but he’d had to
make a pit stop before heading home. The door opened and he looked up into the
mirror to find Colin standing a few feet away.
Ephram gulped and looked down at his hands again.
“You okay?”
Ephram scrubbed his hands together, focusing intently. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You know, that thing in the hall.”
“It’s fine, I was just sticking up for Wendell, who thanked me by running away
as soon as he could.”
“I think they’re clean.”
“What?”
“Your hands.”
Ephram turned the tap off and moved to the paper-towel dispenser. “So, is there
anything else? I told you I’m fine.”
Colin shuffled his feet, but still didn’t leave.
“What?” Ephram spun around and faced him. “Do you want me to thank you? Fine,
thanks for stopping those cretins from kicking my ass. There.”
“That’s not…”
“What? Not good enough for you?” Sudden fury clouded Ephram’s mind. He didn’t
recognize his own voice. “Oh, I know what you want. Why else would you be here,
right?”
“Ephram…”
Colin was caught off-balance as Ephram pushed him into one of the empty stalls.
“Ephram, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. What’s your problem?”
Ephram locked the door behind him and they stood close in the small stall.
“What’s my problem? You’re my fucking problem, Colin.” He lunged forward and
kissed Colin angrily. Colin didn’t resist and clung to him. As their tongues
battled, their hands moved roughly over each other’s bodies. Ephram turned,
pressing Colin against the stall door.
“You want me to thank you, Colin? Is this what you want?” Ephram sank to his
knees, undoing Colin’s jeans. God, he was about to do it.
Actually become a cocksucker.
“Ephram, stop. Stop. I mean it.” Colin pushed Ephram away, his hands still
resting on Ephram’s shoulders. “This isn’t…you don’t have to do this.”
Ephram looked up at him, his chest tight and the tiles cold beneath his knees.
Suddenly, the anger drained from him.
“Don’t…don’t you want me anymore?”
They stared at each other, each struggling to control their breathing. Colin’s
left hand moved to Ephram’s face. He gently stroked his cheek.
“God, you have no idea. But not like this, Ephram. Not with you hating me.”
“I don’t hate you.” Ephram’s voice broke slightly. He relaxed his hands from
where they clutched Colin’s hips. Colin’s fingers danced over his cheek and
their eyes held.
“Colin? Hey dude, you in here?” Bright’s voice broke their reverie and Ephram
leapt to his feet. He crouched on the toilet and Colin did up his pants.
“Colin?” Bright was right outside the stall.
“Yeah, I’m just finishing up. I’ll see you outside, okay?” Colin was clearly
trying to keep his voice neutral.
“You sure you’re okay. You sound weird.”
Ephram held his breath and shifted slightly to keep his balance.
“Yeah, Bright. I’m fine. Really. Dude, I’m just taking a crap, okay?”
Bright laughed nervously. “Sorry, man. I’ll be outside.”
Neither Colin nor Ephram moved until they heard the door shut. Colin turned and
faced Ephram.
“I’d better go.”
“Yeah, see ya.”
“Ephram…look…I’m sorry. I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”
“That makes two of us.”
Colin smiled slightly and Ephram found it impossible not to do the same. “I’ll
stay in here for a while, so Bright doesn’t see me leaving.”
Colin nodded and left. Ephram uncurled his legs and sat down. After a while, he
thought that he should probably get up and go home and not spend all night in a
school bathroom.
But he stayed for a bit longer, afraid that when he was engulfed by the fresh
air, the lingering scent of Colin on his skin would fade.
***** Bliss *****
“Colin?” Ephram stood in the doorway of the shed, his voice tentative. Colin
was inside, sweeping the floor. He turned and smiled.
“Hey man. What’s up?”
“Nothing. I was just riding my bike around and…” He trailed off and shrugged,
unsure if he should make up a reason for standing in Colin’s backyard, when the
truth was he just wanted to see him.
Really badly.
“Cool. I’m just cleaning up the shed. You know, spring cleaning, or whatever. I
had to convince my parents that I’m not such an invalid that I can’t do any
chores. I’m sick of resting all the time. It’s probably a first, huh? A kid
begging to do chores.”
“Where are they? I knocked, but no one answered. I was going to go, but I heard
some noise back here.”
“They’re at some church thing. They wanted me to go, but I just didn’t feel
like seeing people.”
“Oh, do you want me to go?” Ephram started backing up.
“No,” Colin said, laughing. “Ephram…you’re not…people. I want to see you. I was
going to call you, but I didn’t want to bother you or anything.”
“Oh, it wouldn’t have been a bother.” Jesus, he sounded like an eager puppy. “I
mean…it’s cool.” He cleared his throat. “You want a hand?”
Colin looked at him, and Ephram could have sworn a gleam entered his eye.
“Yeah, that would be good.” Colin awkwardly tossed him the broom with his right
hand.
Ephram caught it and grinned. Colin started sorting through boxes and they
worked in companionable silence. Ephram was just glad that things seemed back
to normal between them.
If you could call any of this normal.
After a while, Ephram threw his jacket on a shelf, his long-sleeved t-shirt
providing more than enough warmth in the shed. It was almost like a
freestanding garage, stretching fairly far back and holding quite a bit of
crap, from what he could see.
“Hey, you want a drink?”
Ephram stopped sweeping and looked up. “Sure, I’ll take a vodka with a twist.”
Colin laughed and went to the house. He returned a few minutes later with two
plastic tumblers.
“Is scotch okay?”
“Oh, sure. Scotch, vodka, whatever.” Ephram laughed and grabbed a cup. He took
a swig and spit most of it on the newly clean floor. “What the fuck? I thought
you were kidding!” He wiped his mouth and sputtered.
Colin laughed. “Got ya. Come on, don’t be a pussy.” He took a swallow of his
drink and smiled.
“I’m not a pussy.” Ephram’s face was burning and he quickly downed some of the
drink, which seemed to be 3 parts scotch and one part ginger ale.
“I know, I was teasing.” Their eyes met and held. Finally, Ephram looked down
at the drink in his hand.
“So, where did you get this from? I would have thought your parents would have
locked up the liquor cabinet after what happened.”
“I have my ways. Sometimes it just...makes the day go smoother, you know?”
“Yeah, sure.” Smoother? Ephram didn’t particularly like the sounds of that. But
he pushed the thought away and took another gulp, grimacing. He put his cup on
top of one of the many boxes lining the wall. As he picked up the broom again,
the light in the shed suddenly became almost non-existent.
“Come on, we’ve done enough work, don’t you think?” Colin walked toward Ephram
from the now-closed door. The only light now came from the small, high windows
on either side of the shed.
Ephram swallowed nervously. Colin always seemed so sure of himself and the only
time Ephram had ever been…aggressive, things hadn’t exactly gone well.
“E, you think too much.” Colin’s breath tickled his ear and his hands lightly
traced their way up Ephram’s body. Ephram couldn’t seem to find the will to
tell Colin not to call him that.
Ephram’s arms went around him, and his lips found Colin’s.
He marveled again at how…right it felt. His tongue in another guy’s mouth.
Another guy’s tongue in his. Another guy’s hand on his ass, pulling him closer.
They both gasped for air at the same time and their eyes met.
Ephram caressed Colin’s face with his hand, tracing the outline of his lips
with his finger. His breath caught when Colin sucked it into his mouth gently,
his tongue swirling around. Ephram remembered the feeling of that tongue on his
cock, and he nearly came right then and there.
Their mouths met again, almost desperately.
After a while, Colin grabbed an old sheet, flecked with paint, and spread it on
the floor. He grabbed Ephram’s hand and pulled him down.
Ephram hooked one leg over Colin’s, stretching out fully. They pressed their
bodies together and Ephram wondered what it would feel like to do this in a
bed, with no clothing separating them.
It would be bliss, he decided.
Ephram kissed Colin’s neck, sucking and licking. He ran his hand up under
Colin’s t-shirt, caressing the soft skin, delighting at the moan that escaped
Colin’s lips.
He pulled Colin’s shirt up and kissed his chest, licking his nipples. This made
Colin moan again, louder. Ephram smiled and continued, moving his hand down to
Colin’s pants and working them open.
Colin was hard as rock, and Ephram pulled his cock out of his boxers. He moved
his hand up and down the shaft slowly, and Colin’s moans grew even louder. His
head was thrown back and his eyes were closed.
Ephram increased the tempo and Colin gasped and moaned and Ephram couldn’t take
his eyes from him.
“Colin, are you okay?”
Amy’s agitated voice, combined with the light from the now-open doorway
shattered the spell.
Ephram jumped to his feet, stunned. Colin had vaulted into a sitting position.
Amy stood in the door, her expression impossible to make out with the sunlight
behind her. Colin straightened out his clothes.
No one spoke.
To Ephram, time seemed to move very quickly, and although it had just been less
than a minute since he’d been touching Colin, it seemed distant and impossible
to reach.
Finally, Amy found her voice. “What the hell are you doing?!” She came inside a
few steps, and Ephram could see her face. It was a picture of confusion.
And anger.
“Ephram, what kind of sick person are you? Oh my god, how could you do this?”
She knelt in front of Colin, who was silent, his eyes wide. “Colin, are you
okay? Did he hurt you?”
“Did who hurt who? What’s going on?”
Oh, god.
Colin’s mother now stood in the doorway. “Colin, are you hurt? Did you fall?
What’s going on, honey?” She hurried to his side.
Ephram stayed motionless, unable to process that this was actually happening,
and wasn’t the worst nightmare he ever could have imagined.
“Ephram was…doing disgusting things, taking advantage of him!” Amy spat the
words out.
Mrs. Hart’s gaze swiveled to Ephram’s face. “What?” She looked back at Colin,
still sitting silently, shocked. “Colin…what happened?” She took in his
disheveled state, the button of his jeans hanging open. “Oh, my god. Jim! Jim,
come quickly!”
Ephram tried to speak, his throat so dry that the words sounded more like
squeaks. He waved his hands desperately. “No, I didn’t do anything! Nothing
happened, nothing happened!”
“Ephram, I saw! I saw what you were doing! Don’t worry, Colin, everything’s
going to be okay. You’re sick, Ephram, using him like that. You know how
confused he’s been!” Amy was shrill, almost hysterical.
“What happened?” Mr. Hart’s booming voice filled the shed. Ephram shrank back
against the wall.
“Ephram was…taking advantage of Colin. Touching him.” Mrs. Hart looked at
Ephram like he was a child molester.
“No, I didn’t, you don’t understand…” Ephram’s voice sounded very small to his
own ears, hesitant.
“Why, you sick little bastard. Is that what you get up to in the big city? Well
you’re not going to get away with forcing your perversion on my son!” Mr. Hart
advanced towards Ephram, grabbing him by the front of his shirt.
Ephram’s heart was beating so fast he thought it might explode. “Colin, tell
them. I wasn’t doing anything you didn’t want!”
All eyes turned to Colin. Ephram held his breath, Mr. Hart still holding him
painfully. Finally, Colin’s brow furrowed and his expression transformed into
one of confusion that Ephram had seen before.
The Coma-boy-discount look.
Ephram’s heart contracted so painfully that he gasped in a breath.
“I...I don’t know what happened.” Colin stuttered and looked at his parents,
his face a mask of innocent uncertainty.
“It’s okay, honey, he’s never going to touch you again.” Colin’s mother helped
him to his feet, Amy also at his side.
Mr. Hart shook Ephram, hard. “Get the hell out of here, you perverted freak.
You’re going to pay for what you’ve done.” He shoved Ephram roughly towards to
door.
Ephram didn’t look back.
He grabbed his bike and flew out of the yard and onto the street. Tears
streamed down his face, and he was consumed by blind panic. Everyone was going
to find out. Everyone was going to hate him. Everyone was going to think he was
twisted.
He rode without a destination, finally arriving home as the sun was setting. He
dropped his bike on the lawn and walked up onto the porch. He could see that
Delia and his father were home, probably getting dinner ready.
Ephram moved to the porch seat, unwilling to go inside. He brought his knees
up, his arms hugging them tightly. The air had grown colder and he remembered
that he’d left his coat in the shed.
He shuddered. Just the thought of that place filled him with dread and fear.
Colin had abandoned him totally and completely, allowing Amy and his parents to
think that it was all Ephram’s fault. He felt the pain move through him with
each breath. He knew that despite it, he loved Colin, more than he’d ever loved
anyone.
And he knew that he was alone.
***** Revelation *****
Ephram didn’t know how long he sat on the porch, his knees hugged to his chest,
eyes staring ahead blankly. The wooden seat below him had long since become
uncomfortable, but he couldn’t bear the thought of going inside.
Couldn’t bear the thought of facing his father.
Ephram was sure by now the Harts must have called him. Told him. He couldn’t
even imagine what his dad would say. Things had been better between them, but
this would change everything.
He wondered how he had gotten to this point, how he had stumbled into this
minefield. A month or so ago, everything was going fine. He was settling into
Everwood, he was finding his way. But now he felt as if his life were over, he
could see no way out.
They knew. His father was going to know.
Ephram thought of his mother and his eyes welled up. What would she say? He
thought that maybe it was good that she never knew what he really was, that she
didn’t live to see this. The notion had barely formed in his mind before he was
flooded with guilt.
He missed her so intensely in that moment that he felt like screaming, like
howling to the moon that was rising in the sky.
“Ephram? What are you doing out here?”
He froze at the sound of his father’s voice. For a second, he had the absurd
thought that if he didn’t move, maybe his dad would go away.
“Ephram? What’s going on? You missed dinner.” Andy came and sat beside him.
“Where’s your coat? You’re shivering.” He put his hand on Ephram’s shoulder,
concerned.
“Don’t touch me.” Ephram flinched and faced away from his father, trying to
hide his face, which he knew showed the telltale sign of dried tears. He put
his forehead on his knees and held his legs even more tightly. First a deer in
the headlights, and now a turtle in its shell, he thought derisively.
“Ephram, what’s going on?”
“Just leave me alone, I’m fine. Go away.” His voice was muffled. “I don’t want
to talk.” He realized that the Harts hadn’t called, his father didn’t know. He
wasn’t sure whether to be happy or not. At least they would have spared him the
horror of telling his father himself.
“Ephram, I’m not going away.”
He groaned internally. He recognized the tone, and he knew there was no way out
at this point. His father would poke and prod until he had his answers. Just
like he did to people’s brains, he would cut Ephram open and keep looking until
he found what he was looking for. Ephram took a deep breath and raised his
head.
Andy’s face was etched with concern. Ephram swallowed and looked out over the
lawn. If he was going to do this, he couldn’t look at him. He took another deep
breath.
“Dad, something happened.” He tried to think of what else to say, but the words
felt formless in his mind, impossible to corral onto his tongue.
“What? What happened?” Andy’s voice suddenly took on an even deeper level of
concern. “Ephram, are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?” He put his hand on
Ephram’s cheek and tried to get a better look at his face.
“No, Dad, I’m not hurt.” Ephram shook him off, brushed his hand away. Not hurt.
He felt the lie congeal in the pit of his stomach.
“Ephram, I want you to tell me what’s going on. Right now.”
He was going for commanding, but Ephram could hear the fear in his father’s
words. It hit him that his father loved him. Like, really, really actually did
love him. He wanted to hold onto it, bury himself in his father’s arms and be
surrounded by it.
Would his dad still love him like this after he finally started talking? Ephram
was acutely aware that this might be the last time in his life that his
father’s love would be so strong, so untainted.
Regret washed over him. He thought of all the times that his father had tried
to be close to him since they’d come to Everwood. How more often than not, he’d
pushed him away.
And now it was too late.
Ephram had to tell him that he was…what, exactly? Gay? Did what happened with
Colin make him gay? Or was Colin just a special case? An exception to the rule?
“Ephram, please. Talk to me.”
Ephram tightened his arms, trying to make himself even smaller. He took another
deep breath. He focused on the porch railing, the chipped paint and weathered
wood.
“It’s about Colin.”
He could sense his father change gears into medical mode. “Did something happen
to Colin?”
“No. Well, yes. I mean…something happened with him.” Ephram’s heart pounded in
his chest.
“Has he been having more problems? I was concerned that things wouldn’t go as
smoothly as his parents thought they would.”
“Dad, you’re not getting it.” Ephram took another deep breath. “Look, I really
like him.”
“Well, I like him too, Ephram, that’s why I want to know what happened, so I
can help. Did he have another episode?”
“No, listen, he’s fine. I mean, medically, he’s fine. The problem is that I
really like him.”
Andy laughed, relieved. “Why would that be a problem? What’s gotten into you
today?”
Ephram sighed and was silent. Finally he said, “look, when I say I really like
him, I mean I like him in a way that’s not normal, okay?”
The words hung in the air, and silence enveloped them.
Ephram kept his gaze riveted to the railing, but he felt the moment when the
other shoe dropped in his dad’s head. He imagined that he could hear the dull
thud. Andy sat up straighter and pulled back slightly. Ephram felt the distance
between them keenly, as if inches were miles.
“You like him. You mean…what do you mean?”
“I mean we’re more than just friends.” Ephram wished he were anywhere else in
the world.
His father was stunned. Ephram took a quick glance at his face. Andy swallowed
and tried to form words, but came up short. Finally, he spoke. “So, you like
Colin as more than a friend. And Colin feels the same way?”
A short, bitter laugh burst out of Ephram. “I have no idea what Colin feels.”
“Oh. So, you have a…crush on him.”
Ephram’s chest tightened. He blinked, willing himself not to cry. He wanted to
scream out that it was no crush, although the word did seem somewhat
appropriate, considering how much pain he was in.
“Ephram, it’s not unusual for kids your age to have feelings like this. Colin’s
a great kid, and he has a lot going for him. And I think sometimes people can
mistake friendship for something else.” Andy seemed pleased with this
rationalization.
“It’s not…Dad, stuff has happened, okay?”
More silence. The Great Doctor Brown was certainly not expecting to hear this,
Ephram thought.
“What do you mean, stuff?”
Ephram swung his head around at his father. “Jesus, what do you think I mean?
You want the details? Stuff has happened.”
His father looked at him, his mouth slightly agape. After a few moments, he
regained his composure. “So, you’re saying you and Colin are having a sexual
relationship.”
Ephram shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah. I mean, it hasn’t gone like…all the way,
or whatever, but it’s not just some crush.”
His father digested this. “What about Amy? Ephram, where is this coming from?”
“How the fuck should I know?” Anger surged through him. He’d really like an
answer to that question. Where had this come from? Had it always been there,
just waiting to unleash?
“Alright, calm down. Ephram, I just…I’m just surprised. Are you telling me
you’re gay?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m telling you, okay? I don’t want to be
telling you anything!” Ephram’s voice was tinged with hysteria and he leapt up
off the bench, suddenly unable to sit still.
“So what happened today? Why are you so upset?” Andy’s voice held a note of
detachment. It reminded Ephram of how he’d heard his father speak to patients.
“I went to Colin’s. I was helping him clean up the shed in his backyard. It
just…we were just…doing stuff, and suddenly Amy walked in and then his mother,
and his father and everyone just freaked out.” The last words left Ephram in a
rush and he stopped pacing. He turned his back to his father and wrapped his
arms around himself.
His father sighed. “I guess Colin’s parents are very upset.”
Ephram’s voice was choked with emotion. “They said…Amy said…that I…that I was
taking advantage of Colin, that I was doing bad things to him. They’re blaming
me, Dad. I think Colin’s going along. I think he’s really scared and he’s going
along with what they say.” Ephram felt a strange need to defend Colin’s
actions, despite the betrayal that was eating away at him.
He turned to his father, who looked shell-shocked. Ephram gave up the battle to
control his emotions, and tears streamed from his eyes. “Dad, I didn’t do what
they said. I didn’t do anything Colin didn’t want. I mean, he was the one who
started the whole thing. I didn’t force him, I would never do that! I wasn’t
doing anything bad! You have to believe me.” He sobbed; his breath coming in
short gasps.
Andy stood up, shaking off his stupor. He pulled Ephram into his arms. “Of
course I believe you, Ephram. I know you’d never hurt anyone. Don’t worry,
everything’s going to be okay.”
Ephram sobbed anew and clung to his father. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this
to happen. I’m sorry.” He registered the fact that his dad was still there,
that he had his arms around him.
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong with Ephram?” Delia was standing by the front door,
her eyes wide, voice tremulous.
Ephram pulled away from his father and wiped his eyes furiously.
“Delia, everything’s going to be fine. Ephram’s just upset right now. Go back
in the house and we’ll be in soon, okay, honey?” Andy tried to smile.
Delia looked on, obviously unconvinced. “There’s a phone call for you, Dad.
It’s Mr. Hart.”
Ephram’s whole body clenched and he fought the urge to vomit.
“Sweetheart, tell him that I’ll call him back shortly, okay? That’s a good
girl. I’ll be in very soon.” When Delia had dutifully returned inside, Andy led
Ephram back to the bench, sitting them both down.
“I’m going to call the Harts back and see what they have to say. Don’t worry,
everything’s going to be fine.”
Ephram sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve. God, he was acting so
pathetic. But his dad was still talking to him. He hadn’t run away from him in
disgust.
“Now, I need to know a few things before I call. Was this the first time
anything like this has happened?”
Ephram looked away, unable to meet his father’s eyes. “No. It’s happened a few
times before.”
“And what exactly were you doing?”
Ephram was silent.
“Ephram, I just want to make sure I have all the facts.”
Ephram concentrated on breathing and not throwing up. Finally, he spoke. “When
Amy walked in, we were laying down and we were…kissing.” He felt like the words
were knives, slicing his throat as they left his body. “I was…his pants were
undone and I was…touching him. You know…” He looked Andy, who nodded. “But I
swear to God, he wanted me to.”
“I believe you, Ephram.” He rubbed his face tiredly. “Why don’t you go inside
and get something to eat, get cleaned up. I’m going to call Mr. Hart and settle
this whole thing.”
Ephram nodded, although the thought of food was not appealing in the least. In
the doorway, he paused and looked back at his father, who was staring off into
space. He looked exhausted, defeated. Ephram wondered if his father still loved
him as fervently as he had ten minutes before.
But at least he believed his father did still love him. That was something.
“Dad?” Andy turned. “You really believe me, right? You’re going to help me? You
won’t believe what they say, will you?” Ephram held his breath.
His father walked over and put his hands on Ephram’s shoulders. “Of course I’m
going to help you. I believe you, don’t worry. Did you really think I
wouldn’t?”
“I didn’t know what to think.”
“Ephram, I won’t lie. I’m shocked. But we’re going to work through this.
Together. Now, go in and get cleaned up.”
Ephram nodded mutely and walked into the house. In the kitchen, Delia sat
rigidly at the table. Ephram grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and took
a gulp. He had no idea what to say to her. He could tell she was scared and for
once, he felt like he didn’t have the right words to calm her.
“Did something bad happen?” She sat stock-still, her baseball cap pulled down
tightly.
“Yeah, I had a bad day. But don’t worry, okay Delia? It’s going to be fine.”
Ephram’s attempt at reassurance sounded hollow, even to him. “I need to go
upstairs. Just…don’t worry.” He could feel Delia’s eyes on his back as he left
the kitchen.
Upstairs, Ephram went into the bathroom and splashed his face with water. He
looked in the mirror. His face was blotchy, his eyes puffy and red. He moved
into the hallway, towards his room, but stopped dead when he heard the murmur
of his father’s voice from downstairs.
The phone call. Suddenly, his father’s voice raised in anger. Ephram could only
make out some words.
“Pervert” was one.
He realized quickly that he didn’t want to hear the rest of the conversation.
He retreated into the bathroom, turning on the water full blast and stripping
off his clothes.
He stood under the shower, trying to block out everything else. But no matter
how hot the water, or how hard the pressure, or how hard he scrubbed with the
soap, it was no use.
Ephram finally understood the meaning of that old song. Colin was under his
skin, and he wasn’t going anywhere.
***** Numbb *****
Ephram sat on his bed, his head resting against the wall. He’d stayed in the
shower until the water had run cold. He couldn’t hear anything from downstairs,
but had gone right to his room, changed into his pajamas and settled in.
He knew he could go downstairs and find out what was going on, but exhaustion
had crept into his bones. He knew the moment would come, with or without his
help.
Finally, his father knocked at his door. Unlike in the past, he waited for a
response. Ephram couldn't help but feel that this was a wall springing up
between them. He wondered how long his father would wait. Would he knock again?
Or just turn away?
He knocked again.
“Come in.”
Ephram hadn’t bothered with the pretense of an open comic book, or his Discman.
He sat, waiting.
Andy lowered himself onto the bed and faced Ephram, who examined his hands.
“Well, Mr. Hart is very upset. He was talking about calling the police.”
Ephram’s head shot up and Andy raised his hand. “It’s okay, I talked him out of
it. I think his wife helped, too. She’s not keen on the whole town knowing
about this.”
“You think I am?”
“No, Ephram, of course not. Listen, I have to ask you something. Were you
drinking?”
Shit. The scotch. Colin’s little pick-me-up. Ephram felt worry twist in his
gut. It wasn’t right for Colin to be drinking, he knew it was a sign of bigger
problems. Yeah, like him, he thought scornfully. Maybe Colin had to get drunk
to want to touch him.
“Ephram, I’m waiting. Were you drinking?”
“I only had a couple of sips, it was nothing.”
“Nothing?” Andy’s voice was raised. “You know better than that! Look at what
happened to Colin, why would you give him alcohol?”
The dread in the pit of Ephram’s stomach began to take form, snake through his
body until he could feel it in his fingers, his toes. His throat felt like
sandpaper. “I didn’t give it to him.”
“Ephram, don’t lie to me.”
“Lie to you? You think I’m lying to you?” Ephram was almost shouting. “Did you
hear what I told you on the porch? Did you? You think I’d lie to you about some
stupid booze?”
Andy tried to placate him. “Okay, okay. You’re going to upset your sister,
lower your voice.” When Ephram sat back against the wall again and took a deep
breath, Andy continued. “So, you’re saying you didn’t bring the alcohol over
there? You didn’t give it to Colin?”
“No, I didn’t. He’s the one who had it, he gave it to me.”
Andy considered this. “The Harts say that they don’t have any alcohol in the
house, and after what happened with the accident, I believe them. But if you
say you didn’t bring it, then I believe you too. I checked downstairs and
nothing seems to be missing.”
“Oh, so you believe me, but you still double checked to make sure.” Ephram
shook his head.
“I’m sorry Ephram, but you did get brought home by the police one night, drunk
as a skunk, if I do recall.”
Ephram couldn’t deny this. He said nothing.
“Have you seen Colin drinking before?”
Ephram shook his head. “I thought it was weird. I don’t know where he got it,
he said he had his ways.” He snorted contemptuously. “Yep, he certainly has his
ways of getting things.”
Andy tilted his head, looked at Ephram more closely. “Ephram…did Colin…talk you
into anything? Did he pressure you into doing things you didn’t really want
to?”
Ephram realized the opportunity had arisen to play Colin’s game, to lob the
blame back into his court. He could tell his father that it was Colin who made
the first move, that it was Colin who had been controlling all the points.
It was Colin who was the cocksucker.
But Ephram knew, as the idea ricocheted around his brain, that although he
hadn’t actually done the deed, the name belonged to him as well. It was in him;
it might as well have been imprinted in his DNA.
Maybe it was, and had just taken its own time kicking into effect.
He thought of Colin. Of his eyes, his lips, his hands, his sighs. He knew that
even though Colin seemed to have no problem doing so, he couldn’t betray him
with lies.
He couldn’t betray himself.
“No, Dad. Colin didn’t make me do anything. He was the one who made the first
move, but I knew what I was doing. I wanted to do it. I just…it’s hard to
explain.”
Andy nodded, and Ephram thought he detected a passing look of disappointment in
his eyes.
“So, you said you like Colin.”
Ephram almost laughed. Colin had sold him down the river so effortlessly. He
should hate him. He did feel whispers of anger starting to rise up, which would
soon demand to be heard. Yet he couldn’t deny to himself that he loved Colin.
That more than anything, he wanted to be with him, to hold him close again.
He suddenly understood that he might never get the chance again and a tremor
shook him. Not since his mother’s death had he so desperately wanted to reach
into the past and grab onto a moment that had passed him by.
He simply said, “yeah, I like him.”
“So, is this more than just sexual? I mean, you have…romantic feelings for
Colin? Because a lot of boys your age have sexual encounters with other boys,
it’s normal. Not a lot of men talk about it, but it happens.”
“I don’t think this is the normal kind of thing. Sorry to disappoint you. I
don’t need the Great Doctor Brown to analyze me.”
Andy sighed. “Ephram, please, I’m not attacking you. I’m trying…I’m trying to
understand. Okay? This has just all come out of left field and I’m doing the
best I can.”
“Dad, I’m really tired. Can we not talk about this now?”
“Sure, it’s been a long day.” He just sat and looked at Ephram, until Ephram
turned his head toward the window. “Well, Mr. Hart wants you to promise to stay
away from Colin. Will you do that? I know we need to figure some things out,
and for now, I think it’s a good idea.”
Ephram had been expecting this, but hearing the words out loud didn’t make them
any less painful. How could he still want to see Colin after what had happened?
He tried to focus on his burgeoning anger. “Did Colin say that I brought the
scotch?”
“I assume so. I’m sure he’s very confused, Ephram. His parents have put a lot
of expectations on him and a situation like this could really increase the
strain.”
“Don’t. Don’t make excuses for him.” He felt strangely betrayed by his father.
“You’re supposed to be on my side, remember?” Andy opened his mouth and Ephram
cut off his protestation. “I’ll stay away from him, don’t worry.”
“Okay.” He sighed and stood up. “Goodnight, kiddo. Don’t worry, everything’s
going to be fine.”
Ephram nodded and turned away onto his side, pulling the blanket up over his
shoulders. He knew his father was still standing by his bed. “Goodnight, Dad.”
“One more thing, Ephram. I’m always on your side. Remember that.”
He heard the click of the door and sighed. He was amazed to discover that he
still had more tears to cry, and didn’t bother to wipe them away.
---------------------------------------
Before Ephram opened his eyes, he knew he was not alone in the bed. For a
moment, in the twilight just before waking, he imagined that it was Colin, that
they had spent the night together, their naked limbs entwined.
The thought evaporated as the memory of the day before crashed down upon him.
He saw it all again in fast-forward and nausea sprang to life, washing over his
body. Ephram turned slightly and discovered that he hadn’t been imagining the
sound of someone else breathing, that Delia was curled up beside him.
He watched her sleeping, guiltily. He had cried himself to sleep, exhaustion
finally overtaking him. Had Delia needed him in the night? She hadn’t watched
any potentially nightmare-inducing movies lately, at least not that he knew of.
Her eyes opened and she looked at him, blearily.
“Hey. You have a nightmare? You should have woken me.” He wondered why she
hadn’t gone to their father’s room.
“No. Everything’s fine.” She rubbed her eyes.
Ephram smiled at how badly his sister lied. “So, why are you here then? Come
on, Delia, something must have freaked you out.”
She regarded him for a few moments before speaking. “Well, when I’m scared, it
always makes me feel better when you sleep with me. So, I thought maybe I could
make you feel better and make whatever it is that’s scaring you go away.”
Ephram’s heart contracted and he swallowed the sudden lump in his throat.
Getting verklempt, Nonny would say. He turned on his side and faced Delia, then
reached out and brushed her hair away from her face.
“Don’t worry, okay? I’m fine.”
“Then why were you crying? Ephram, I’m not stupid. I know I don’t understand
things that you and Dad do, but I know when things are wrong.”
“I know you do, I’m sorry. Things are just…really confusing right now, okay?
I’m going through some stuff and I’ll try to explain it to you later. I don’t
really understand it myself. But it’s going to be fine.”
Ephram had to believe that. He had a responsibility to Delia; things had to be
okay for her.
“Okay, Ephram.” She moved closer and he wrapped his arms around her and stroked
her hair.
“Delia, thanks for coming in here and scaring the monsters away. I feel much
better.”
Ephram held her and wished that he could stay in his room all day. He knew his
father would let him miss school, but he understood that if he didn’t face it
today, he might never go back. He tried to think of any reason that Amy would
have told anyone and could think of none. Maybe it would be okay, maybe no one
would know.
He thought of Amy and Colin walking the halls together, the King and Queen and
their royal court. It was going to be a long day.
---------------------------------------------
As Ephram walked to second period, he could feel the stares on his back and
hear the whispers. He assumed the news had somehow rocketed around the school
during homeroom. He knew Colin would have nothing to gain from telling anyone,
and felt renewed anger at Amy, whom he had considered a friend, despite
everything.
The buzz of chatter ceased when he walked into English class. All eyes were on
Ephram as he took his seat. Even Ms. Stiffler regarded him suspiciously. He
opened his notebook and stared intently at its contents. Throughout class he
could still hear whispers, although he was thankful he couldn’t make them out.
Ephram didn’t want to know what they were saying.
Walking to his next class, the scrutiny in the halls had increased tenfold.
Ephram didn’t think it was an exaggeration to say that everyone knew. He saw
Amy in the hallway ahead, with Kayla and Paige.
As he walked up to her, he had the attention of all students in the vicinity.
Kayla saw his approach and put a protective arm around Amy. “Get lost, freak,”
she said, as lovely as ever.
“I want to talk to you, Amy. Now.” Ephram was pleased at how in-control he
sounded.
Amy refused to meet his eyes. “I have nothing to say.”
“Yeah? Well, too bad.” Ephram grabbed her by the arm and pulled her into a
nearby classroom, which was blessedly empty. He locked the door behind them, as
Kayla and Paige banged on it. Finally, Amy went to the window in the door and
waved them away.
“Fine, Ephram. Talk.” Her arms were crossed, her expression tight.
“How could you tell everyone? I mean, for Colin’s sake, if not mine.”
“I didn’t. You think I wanted everyone to find out? God, do you know how
embarrassing this is for Colin? For me?”
“What about me?” Ephram was incredulous.
“Why should I care about you, Ephram? After what you did to my boyfriend? You
make me sick.”
“I didn’t do anything he didn’t want.” Amy opened her mouth to protest, but
Ephram went on, “believe what you want, Amy, but I would never hurt him. And
I’m sorry that I hurt you. But I thought that everything that happened, after
all the times I was there for you, that you would have at least kept your mouth
shut.”
“Look, Ephram. After you left, the Harts told me to go, said they’d take care
of Colin. I needed to talk to someone. So, when I got home I told Bright. I
didn’t know that my mother’s stupid friend, Mrs. Clark was over. We were in the
kitchen and I guess she went to use the bathroom and stopped to eavesdrop. Then
she told her husband when she got home and her daughter heard. You know,
Samantha Clark? Like mother, like daughter, I guess.”
Ephram digested this. “So, what are they saying? That I’m some crazy queer who
molested poor, innocent Coma Boy?”
“Well, that’s what happened, isn’t it?” Amy’s voice was a high screech. Soon
only dogs would be able to hear her. “Colin has been through so much, I can’t
believe you would take advantage of him like that. What, you figured you’d get
him drunk and then he’d be easier to talk into it?”
Ephram shook his head, but knew that Amy would have to hear it from Colin
before she’d ever believe the truth. Besides, it would kind of be like outing
him if Ephram told Amy everything that had happened.
He couldn’t do it. He reminded himself that Colin would, but it made no
difference.
Amy starting talking again. “Why didn’t you ever tell me, Ephram? I mean, why
did you kiss me in the mine? Why did you hang around me so much, if you were
like this all along?”
“I kissed you because I wanted to. I liked you, Amy. But I’ve realized that I
like guys more.” Ephram thought about how strange it was to say it out loud, to
Amy, of all people.
“Well, couldn’t you find someone else…the same way? Why did you have to exploit
Colin’s friendship like that? He trusted you.”
“Look, stuff happened. But…it’s confusing, okay? It’s complicated.” Amy just
stared at him, her lips a tight line of anger. He went on, “is Colin here
today? I haven’t seen him.”
Amy snorted. “And you’re the last person he’d want to see. His parents thought
he should stay home today, he’s been through a lot. We don’t want to push him.”
Ephram had to struggle not to laugh in her face. They had Colin wound so tight,
it was only a matter of time before he snapped. He sighed. “I don’t think
there’s any point in talking about this anymore, because you won’t believe
anything I say. We should get to class.” Ephram unlocked the door and opened
it.
“Oh, so I’m dismissed, am I?”
He turned back in the doorway. “Yeah, Amy. You’re dismissed.”
Kayla and Paige were waiting anxiously for Amy in the hallway and they shrank
back against the lockers when Ephram emerged. He gave them a wide berth, which
suited him just fine.
Classes were already in session and Ephram remembered with a queasy feeling
that he was late for his least-favourite period: gym. He thought of skipping,
but his pride insisted that he go. He changed quickly and joined the rest of
the class in the gym.
The coach looked like he was about to make a sarcastic comment, but then
thought better of it. He simply told Ephram to join in doing laps around the
gym’s perimeter.
Ephram did as he was told and fell into step with the other students. The boys
closest to him moved away, one hissing, “faggot!” Ephram concentrated on his
feet and tried to block them out. He could see Bright ahead of him. Ephram knew
that their inevitable confrontation would not be pleasant.
After what seemed like an eternity of running and then basketball drills, class
was over. Ephram hurried into the change room, hoping to get out before Bright
and his cronies had a chance to corner him.
Naturally, there was no chance of this. Everyone changed quickly, as far away
from Ephram as they could get. Most of the class knew their place, and filed
out past the guards that had been stationed at the door, although they clearly
wanted to stay and see the show. When Ephram tried to join them, he was shoved
back into the lockers.
“Where do you think you’re going, faggot?” Ephram couldn’t remember the name of
the boy who was sneering in his face. He didn’t answer.
“Well? What’s the matter, cat got your tongue, freak? Here, let me loosen it
up.”
The punch landed on the left side of Ephram’s jaw, and his head snapped back.
Before he could react, someone else was there, punching him in the gut. Ephram
dropped to the floor, gasping.
“Can’t wait to get on your knees, huh, queer? Yeah, that’s where you like it.”
A foot caught him in the ribs and Ephram fell on his side and curled his knees
in. “Stay the fuck away from Colin, you freak of nature. You got it,
cocksucker?” Ephram felt like his lungs where going to explode from lack of
air. Another kick landed. “Huh? You got it, fag?”
“That’s enough.” Bright’s voice was commanding as he pulled the boy away.
Everyone in the room looked at him questioningly, including Ephram, who was
still huddled on the floor. Bright went on, “think about the team. We’ll all
get suspended; it’s not worth it. You guys go to lunch. I’ll take care of it.
Ephram and I are going to have a little chat.”
There was much laughter and slapping of backs as the others filed out. Ephram
remained on the floor, his knees to his chest.
“You okay, man?”
Ephram blinked and looked up, puzzled. Bright sounded…concerned. Ephram
flinched away when Bright reached down towards him.
“What the fuck do you care? Just do what you’re going to do and get out.”
Ephram struggled into a seated position, his arm held protectively against his
ribs. Bright just stood, staring at him.
Ephram pulled himself up onto a nearby bench, with a great deal of effort. He
looked at Bright, who hadn’t moved. “What? Are the words too confusing for you?
Maybe you should take notes. Queer, faggot, freak and cocksucker should cover
it. Just sound them out in your head and you’ll get the hang of it.”
Bright moved to his locker silently and packed up his bag.
“What, you’re not going to tell me how I should stay the hell away from Colin
and how I’m a disgusting freak and how you know Colin would never do that with
another guy?”
Bright’s hand was on the door when he answered and he didn’t turn to face
Ephram. “No. Because I know he would.” Before Ephram could register what Bright
had said, the door had swung shut behind him. He stared at it, dazed.
Eventually, Ephram got dressed, his body screaming in agony. The hallways were
deserted and he realized that he’d sat in the change room for longer than he’d
thought. Everyone was back in class, lunch over.
As he neared his locker, he could see the writing on it. “FAGGOT,” it screamed
at him. Ephram didn’t break his stride as he passed by. His lungs felt like
they were burning in the fresh air, and he wobbled on his bike.
The house was quiet. Ephram was on his way to the bathroom to examine his
injuries when he stopped. He walked to the piano and opened the lid, sitting
down on the bench. He didn’t need to look at the sheet music as his fingers
began flying over the keyboard.
He played and played, and eventually the pain numbed. He poured himself into
the music, as if it could stop the progress of the bruises that were forming on
his body. As long as he was playing, he felt free.
Finally, he curled up on the couch, utterly spent. But the melodies echoed in
his mind, and he fell into a blissful sleep. He dreamt of Colin. They swirled
together, laughing and dancing.
Then, they were flying, over the mountains and away, taking only the music with
them.
***** Realization *****
“Ephram?” Andy’s tension-filled voice invaded Ephram’s dreams and a hand shook
his shoulder, roughly. “Ephram, wake up!”
“Dad?” Ephram blinked and looked up at his father’s concerned face. “What’s
wrong?”
Andy knelt beside the couch and sighed, relieved. “You didn’t wake up the first
time I called your name, I was afraid you had a concussion. What happened, who
did this to you?”
Ephram tried to clear his mind and shake off the cobwebs of sleep, the last
whispers of his dream of Colin slipping away. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about
it. I fell in gym.”
“You fell?” Andy was incredulous. “Onto someone’s fist? Ephram, tell me who did
this.”
Ephram sat up and winced, the pain in his ribs intense. “Dad, it’s fine, okay?
Just leave it. I’m not going to narc, that’ll just make things worse.”
“You’re in pain, let me look at your stomach.” Andy pulled the hem of Ephram’s
shirt up and over his head, despite Ephram’s protests. Bruises had begun
forming where he’d been kicked. “Ephram, this is not nothing! I’m calling the
police.”
“No! Dad, please. I’ll live, okay? If you call the police, it’ll just make
things worse and they’ll treat me like even more of a faggot.”
“You are not a faggot.” Andy busied himself, poking and prodding Ephram’s ribs.
Ephram looked at his father for a few moments and winced as Andy tended to his
bruised ribs. Finally he got the nerve to speak. “Yeah, I am, Dad.”
Andy glanced up, distracted by his exploration of Ephram’s injuries. “What?”
“I said, I am.”
His father blinked. “You’re confused Ephram, a lot has happened. You shouldn’t
jump to any conclusions…”
Ephram cut him off. “Dad, I’m gay.”
There, he’d said it.
Andy took this in silently, then slowly stood up. Ephram kept his eyes downcast
and put his shirt back on, suddenly feeling too exposed. He waited for his
father to leave, but Andy sat beside him on the couch.
“Okay, you’re gay. But I have to ask – are you sure? With everything that’s
happened, you must be very confused right now, how can you know what you’re
really feeling?”
“I just know. It’s like…I don’t know, it’s like you grow up drinking Coke, and
it’s pretty good. I mean, you’re supposed to like it, so you never really think
about it. But then one day, someone gives you Cherry Coke, and it’s like,
amazing. Then, you realize that you really liked it all along, you just didn’t
know it.”
Andy took this in, then smiled slightly. “Okay, I see what you mean. So, you
think that it’s not just Colin, that…you’re attracted to other men.”
Ephram squirmed, embarrassed. “Um, yeah. I think I’ve always have been, but
whenever I thought about it, I’d just make myself think of something else,
something normal.”
“It is normal, don’t ever think it isn’t. Promise me.” Ephram nodded and
mumbled a promise. “And Ephram,” Andy waited until Ephram’s eyes met his, “you
know that I love you just the way you are, right? I don’t care…what kind of
Coke you like, you’re my son and I love you.” Ephram nodded again and looked
down at his hands. “And your mother loved you too, no matter what, and I know
the same goes for your sister.”
Ephram tried to swallow the lump in this throat, but the tears were already
spilling out of his eyes. “Thanks, Dad. I know I’m a total jerk sometimes, but
thanks. For everything.” Ephram hugged his father as tightly as his bruised
ribs would allow, then pulled away and retreated upstairs.
In the bathroom, he ran the water and looked at his bruises in the mirror,
growing darker and darker as the hours passed. “I’m gay.” He continued looking
at his reflection and said it again. And again, and again, and again. The words
still sounded foreign to his ears and felt strange on his tongue.
But the more he said them, the more they became his own.
---------------------------------
Although Andy had told him he could stay home, Ephram once again insisted on
going to school. His pride wouldn’t allow him to hide. The stares and the
whispers continued, and he tried in vain to block them out. He focused on his
notes, his textbooks, the blackboard, on anything but the other students
mocking him.
His locker had been half-heartedly scrubbed clean by the janitor. The letters
were faded, but still visible to someone who knew they were there, which was
everyone, of course. Ephram tried to avoid the area, taking his backpack with
him everywhere.
He caught a glimpse of Colin and Amy in the hall before lunch, and his stomach
lurched. He reminded himself of Colin’s betrayal and told himself not to feel
that tingle that he did whenever he saw him. He tried not to remember how warm
Colin’s breath had been on his face, how right it had felt being with him –
only focusing on the hurt he felt now.
He failed miserably.
Ephram sighed and headed towards the cafeteria, catching sight of Wendell at
his locker. “Hey.” Wendell looked at him, and then looked away quickly, intent
on fiddling with his textbooks. “I said, hey.” Ephram was growing angry.
“Look, I can’t be seen with you, alright? No offense, but you aren’t going to
do my reputation any good.” Wendell still wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Oh, how could I possibly be offended by that? I saved your butt the other day,
and this is what I get in return?”
“What do you want from me, Ephram? In case you haven’t noticed, you’re the talk
of the school. I heard you totally molested Colin Hart or something. Look, if
that’s what you’re after, despite what the jock cretins might think, I don’t
swing that way. So thanks for the bail-out the other day, and I’m sorry, but I
have enough problems already, you know?”
Ephram shook his head and walked away. At the end of the hall he slammed into
the bathroom, hurt and angry. So, he officially had no friends. The years
before college and eventual escape stretched out before him, impossibly long.
He went into one of the stalls and sat down, unable to face the cafeteria and
the hundreds of eyes which would surely be looking his way. The outer door
opened, and someone walked in. He paused briefly before entering the stall next
to Ephram’s.
After a minute of silence, Ephram wondered whether his neighbour had a case of
stage fright. Then, a piece of paper, folded into a small square, landed on his
shoe. Ephram reached down and picked it up. His heart pounded as he unfolded
it.
In a childish scrawl that Ephram immediately recognized from study sessions for
History, the note simply said, “I’m sorry.” Ephram could hear nothing from
Colin on the other side of the wall; he wondered if he was holding his breath.
Finally, Ephram spoke, quietly. “What do you want me to say?” Silence met his
question. “Let me guess, this is the part where I just forgive you, and tell
you everything’s going to be alright? Sorry, Colin, I can’t do it. You just
sold me out, to…to everyone. I’m not going to be your…fuck buddy or whatever
anymore. You can go to hell.” Ephram crumpled the note and tossed it on the
floor.
He was halfway to the exit when Colin burst out of the stall. “Wait, please!
Ephram, you have to talk to me! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Colin grabbed his arm
and pulled Ephram back into the stall behind him.
Ephram snatched his arm from Colin’s grasp and stood as far away as he could in
the small quarters. “Don’t touch me.” Colin lowered his hand, reluctantly. “Are
you going to tell the truth? Are you going to tell your parents that it was you
who bought the booze? That you wanted to be with me? That I didn’t fucking
MOLEST you?”
“Shhh. Someone might come in.”
“I don’t fucking care, Colin! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
Colin looked at him, his eyes glistening. He raised his hand and gently touched
Ephram’s bruised face. Ephram was pressed against the door, unable to recoil
any further. “Ephram, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry they hurt you. I’m sorry for
everything. I’m just…I’m just so scared. They expect so much, I…I don’t want to
disappoint them. But I want to be with you so bad.”
His fingertips danced over Ephram’s cheek. Ephram leaned into his touch,
despite himself. Colin kissed him gently, his hands moving into Ephram’s hair,
pulling his face closer. The kiss deepened and Colin’s tongue glided into
Ephram’s mouth. Ephram knew he should resist, but he couldn’t. He wrapped his
arms around Colin and pain seared his ribs, but he didn’t care.
The bathroom door opened and Colin broke the kiss. They both held their breath
and hugged each other tightly. The urinal flushed and the intruder left, the
door swinging shut behind him. Their lips found each other’s again.
When they finally broke apart, Colin smiled. “Everything’s going to be okay. It
can just be our secret, we’ll find a way.”
Ephram pushed him back violently and Colin sprawled over the toilet. He looked
at Colin in disbelief, shaking his head. “You don’t want to be with me. You
want to keep dating Amy so everyone still thinks you’re their golden boy.
Meanwhile, I lose everything, but get to be your dirty little secret? Fuck you,
Colin. Don’t talk to me again, don’t touch me again, just don’t come near me.”
Colin reached out, but Ephram pushed him again and opened the door. He turned
before he left. “I hate you,” he said.
Ephram flew home on his bike, unable to face the rest of the day at school, his
piano calling to him once again.
---------------------------
Later, exhausted again after playing for a few hours, Ephram slept in his room.
Delia’s tentative voice woke him. “Ephram, dinner’s ready. Dad ordered your
favourite, pepperoni pizza.”
Ephram sat up and rubbed his eyes. Delia hovered beside the bed. “You okay,
Delia?” She nodded, unconvincingly. “Sit down, tell me what’s wrong.” He moved
over and she sat next to him.
“Ephram, what’s a fag?” Ephram’s throat went dry and his heart rate increased.
“Why, where did you hear that word?”
“At school. Greg Pearson said that his sister said you were a fag. What’s it
mean?”
Ephram groaned internally. “Did you ask Dad?”
“No, I thought you might be in trouble, so I wanted to ask you first. They said
it like it was a bad word.”
“Um, well…it means that…um, you know how Dad fell in love with Mom and married
her?” Delia nodded. “Well, that’s because he likes women. And most guys do. But
some boys don’t like girls that way. They don’t want to fall in love with them.
They fall in love with other guys instead.”
“You mean, they’re gay?”
“Yeah. I…I wasn’t sure if you understood that concept.” Ephram took a deep
breath, realizing he’d been holding it.
“Dad explained it once. I saw two boys holding hands, and I couldn’t figure out
why.”
“Oh. Well, yeah, a fag is a name some people call gay people, but it’s not very
nice.”
Delia mulled this over. “So, does that mean you’re gay?”
Ephram took a deep breath and blew it out. “Yeah, I’m gay. I like other boys
instead of girls. But a lot of people think it’s wrong, and they’ll say mean
things about me, things that aren’t true. And you have to tell me and Dad if
they do, okay? I don’t want anyone giving you a hard time because I’m a freak.”
“You’re not a freak. What’s wrong with liking boys? I like boys, why shouldn’t
you?”
“That’s…complicated.”
“Well, I don’t care what other people say, Ephram.” She snuggled into his side
and Ephram had to fight back tears for what felt like the hundredth time since
he’d fled Colin’s shed.
“I love you, Delia. I don’t say it enough, but you know I do, right?”
Delia looked up and nodded. “Yeah, I know. I love you, too.”
“Hey, this pizza isn’t going to eat itself.” Andy stood in the doorway, smiling
at his children. “Last one down’s a rotten egg!” Delia squealed and ran from
the room.
Ephram was happy to let her win.
***** Acceptance *****
School continued much as it had earlier in the week. Ephram was taunted and
whispered about constantly. The gossip showed no signs of slowing down, and he
tried to ignore it.
He also tried to ignore Colin.
History class was the most difficult, despite the fact that Colin had switched
seats with Rebecca Taylor, who had generously offered at the beginning of
class. She threw dirty looks over her shoulder at Ephram whenever possible.
When the bell rang, he quickly gathered his books and headed out, ignoring
Colin’s surreptitious glances. He walked to the gym, dread filling him. It was
bad enough usually, never might with the threat of being beaten up again.
Add to that the fact that Colin would be present for this class, and Ephram had
never wanted to skip so badly.
They all sat on the bleachers, listening to yet another of the coach’s lectures
on the art of dribbling and Ephram’s mind drifted off. He looked over at Bright
and, not for the first time, thought about his cryptic comment in the locker
room. Had Colin told Bright something before the accident? Did Bright just
suspect? Or, the most interesting and alarming possibility: did Bright know
about Colin from personal experience?
“Brown!” Ephram snapped to attention. Everyone was staring.
“Um, yeah?” Ephram could feel his face burning.
“Thanks for joining us. I said, you’re a captain today, get up and pick your
team.”
“That’s okay, I don’t want to be captain. Really.”
“Brown, do I look like I care what you want? Everyone gets a turn to be
captain, and you haven’t had your turn. Now, I wouldn’t want anyone to say I’m
acting prejudiced against you, now would I?” The class snickered at the coach’s
mocking tone.
Ephram got up and stood in front of the class. “Josh Miller.” Josh remained
seated and looked nervously from side to side.
“What, are you deaf, Miller? Get the hell up here!” There would be no arguing
with the coach, and eventually the class was divided. Colin and Bright were
both on the other side, which suited Ephram just fine. His team, meanwhile,
stood about five feet away from him in a cluster.
“Alright, girls, let’s play!” The coach blew the whistle and everyone sprang
into action. Ephram stayed back, as close to the sidelines as possible. He knew
that the other guys would take any opportunity to check him, so he tried to
stay out of everyone’s way.
Still, the ball managed to come his way, and Bright managed to elbow him in the
side of the head. Ephram shoved him, and the whistle blew. “That’s enough, you
two. I don’t want any trouble in my class. You can both go to the equipment
room and clean the baseball gloves for the rest of the period.”
Bright sputtered a protest, but Ephram was happy to leave. He imagined he could
feel Colin’s eyes on his back as he walked out.
Eventually, Bright showed up in the equipment room. Ephram sat cross-legged on
the floor, the leather cleaner beside him with a pile of mitts and a couple of
rags. Bright paced for a bit before finally sitting across from Ephram. They
both went to work, silently.
Finally, Ephram’s curiosity got the better of him. “What did you mean? You
know, before. The other day.” Bright didn’t look up, his concentration on the
glove in his hands. “Fine, forget it. You know, if you want to beat me up like
the other guys, you don’t have to use basketball as an excuse.”
Bright glanced up. “That was an accident.”
Ephram snorted, “yeah, right.”
“Fine, maybe I meant it. Look man, I just…everything’s all fucked up now. Colin
was getting better, and then you had to mess it all up.”
Ephram frowned. “What are you talking about? He doesn’t have the sling anymore,
and he doesn’t need notes for everything. He is getting better.”
Bright’s eyes were back on the mitt and he scrubbed it. “Yeah, but…things
seemed to be so good with him and Amy. I thought…I thought maybe, I don’t know,
the accident had like…changed him. Fixed him.”
Ephram took this in. “You knew, before the accident. About Colin. That he’s
gay.”
Bright looked up sharply and hissed, “he’s not gay!”
“Oh, really? Then what else do you call someone who has sex with other men?”
“Look, sometimes guys need some…relief, it doesn’t make them queer.”
Ephram realized he might be putting his health in serious jeopardy with his
next question. “Guys like you?”
“What?” Bright seemed like he was about to explode, but then he looked around,
nervously. He spoke in a whisper. “Fine, so maybe a few times, Colin and
I…messed around. He said it was better than our own hands, you know? And I
mean, a lot of guys do it.”
“So I hear. I apparently did not hang around with the right people when I was a
kid.”
“Look, I’m not gay. I like girls, okay? I mean, at the time, sure, it was
better than jacking off, especially when you’ve had a few beers. But…I don’t
you know, LIKE guys.”
“But Colin does.”
Bright struggled for the right words. “He’s just confused. He loves my sister
and they’re going to get married one day and have kids and everything will be
normal.”
“Maybe they will, but it’ll never be normal. You and Amy and Colin and the
whole world can deny it, but Colin’s never going to be happy with Amy, or with
any other girl, for that matter. Let me guess: it was always Colin that
initiated your little drunken…release sessions.”
Bright said nothing at first. Then he sighed. “Look, he just has to forget
about that kind of stuff. He has a chance to be normal. I’m sorry Colin got you
into this, and I’m sorry you got beat up. I know we haven’t exactly been
friends but…you’re…not so bad. And I know you didn’t like, trick him into
anything, he probably started it.” He laughed ruefully. “He can be really
persuasive, huh? I mean, it’s not like you really like guys either, right?”
Ephram knew his answer could potentially make or break the next few years of
his life, and debated silently about his answer. What the hell, he thought.
“Actually, I do.” Bright looked at him, eyes wide. “Yep, what they’re saying is
true, I’m a total queer. I just didn’t realize it until Colin came along.”
“But…so…you would really rather make it with a guy, than a chick?” Ephram
nodded. Bright wore a perplexed expression that Ephram would have found funny
in another situation. “So, you and Colin…it was more than just whacking off?”
“Yeah, it was more.” Bright contemplated this silently. “Hey, Bright…did Colin
drink a lot before the accident? I know you guys were drinking the day of the
accident, was that like, a regular thing?”
“No, not really. I mean, sure, we’d party sometimes, but it’s not like he was
heading for AA or anything. Why? I thought you were the one getting him drunk
these days.”
Ephram shook his head. “He was the one who had the booze, not me. I only drank
it because…I don’t know why. But…just keep an eye on him, okay? Not like I
really care, but it’s not exactly healthy for him to be secretly drinking.”
Bright sighed. “No, not exactly. I will. Keep an eye on him. Um…thanks.” The
last word was said with no small amount of effort.
The door sprang open and the coach looked down at them. “Have you looked at the
time? Class is over, get your asses out of here.” They threw the mitts into a
pile and went to the locker room, which was mercifully already empty.
Ephram changed quickly, as did Bright, who stood as far away from him as the
room would allow. “Bright, I’m not going to like, attack you.”
Bright was defensive. “I know. Like you could, anyway. As if.” He finished
packing up his bag. “Listen, I think you’re wrong about Colin. He’s not like
that. He’s just been through a lot.”
“And before the accident?”
“That was just…boys being boys, normal stuff, like they say. It wasn’t…he’s not
like that.” Bright didn’t sound convinced.
Ephram stood up. “Sure, you and Colin and Amy and his parents just keep telling
yourselves that. Maybe one day you’ll believe it.”
This time, it was Ephram who left Bright in the locker room, confused and
alone.
------------------------
 
“May I be excused?” Delia fidgeted in her seat.
“Well, you certainly inhaled your dinner. Are you late for an important date
that I don’t know about?” Andy tried to look disapproving.
“I think she wants to watch that Mary-Kate and Ashley movie on TV.” Ephram
smiled at his sister.
“No, I’m just done early!”
“Oh, so you won’t mind going up to your room to study, then? Good, you can be
excused.” Andy smiled and went back to his dinner.
Delia sighed and stared at her empty plate dejectedly. Ephram and his father
both tried not to laugh, but couldn’t resist. “Okay, Delia, you can watch TV.
But in the future, we are to spend dinner together, until everyone is
finished,” Andy said.
“Deal!” Delia bounded up from the table and ran to the living room. Andy and
Ephram laughed again and went back to their meal.
“So, I spoke to your grandparents today.”
Ephram stopped in the middle of cutting his chicken and looked up. “Did
you…what did you talk about? I mean, did you…what did you say?” His heart was
pounding. He’d been so consumed with Colin and everything that had happened
that he hadn’t really thought about what his grandparents would think about
everything that had happened.
“I didn’t tell them, Ephram. I wouldn’t do that without speaking to you first.”
Ephram exhaled a sigh of relief. “Thanks. So, what’s new in New York?” He went
back to his chicken.
“Ephram, don’t you think we should talk about this? You’ve always been so close
to them, are you afraid of telling them?”
Ephram put down his knife and fork again. “Yeah, I am. Maybe it’s stupid, but…I
just don’t know what they’d say.”
“Well, to be honest, I don’t know either. Your grandparents are very kind and
loving people, but they’re very conservative and I know I’ve disagreed with
them in the past on some issues.”
“What do you think they’ll say, Dad?” Ephram felt cold and his dinner had lost
all its appeal.
“I don’t know. I know they love you, but homosexuality can be very difficult
for some people to accept. But you won’t know until you tell them. Jacob was
asking when you’re going to come for a visit.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think I can deal with them yet. I just…I know they’ll be
disappointed.”
Andy opened his mouth to argue, but conceded the point. “Ephram, I wish I could
tell you that everyone was going to accept you with open arms, but that’s just
not the case. Not that your grandparents won’t, you have to give them a chance,
when you’re ready. But you should also be ready for some difficult times
ahead.”
Ephram nodded and pushed the remainder of his meal around on his plate. “I
think I’m done.”
Andy just nodded. “Me too. You know, Ephram, there are other things we need to
talk about too. I’m not sure exactly how far things went with Colin, and I know
you know the importance of safe sex…”
Ephram rolled his eyes and cut him off. “Dad, please. Don’t worry; I know what
I’m doing, okay? Can we just not talk about this right now?”
“Fine, but we are going to talk about it.” Ephram nodded reluctantly. “Come on,
let’s see what mayhem those wacky twins are getting up to, I’m sure there’ll be
lots of fun for everyone.”
“I think I’ll pass.” Ephram got up and cleaned his plate off.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Andy looked at him, concerned.
“No, it’s okay. Really. I should do some homework.” Ephram went upstairs and
flopped down on his bed. He’d always considered New York a haven, a place he
longed to escape to. But he had a gut feeling that Nonny and Grandpa wouldn’t
take his news well. He tried to imagine their reactions, and could only see a
lot of fights and blame being placed squarely on his father’s shoulders.
He couldn’t go back to New York, and he was an outcast in Everwood. Ephram
thought of his mother. She’d always been the one to solve all his problems, the
one he could run to when everything and everyone else failed. He knew she was
gone, but he realized he was only beginning to understand what that really
meant.
-----------------------------
 
Ephram stirred, sensing someone in the dark room. “Delia?” His voice was
groggy. “What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare? I know those Olsen twins can
be pretty scary.”
When Delia didn’t answer, Ephram opened his eyes and sat up. His heart leapt
into his throat and he gasped. “Colin?” He rubbed his eyes, expecting the
apparition to fade away.
Yet Colin still stood at the end of the bed, his arms wrapped around himself.
Ephram whispered, “what are you doing here? How did you get in?” He looked at
the florescent glow of the clock. 2:23 a.m.
“You said once that you climbed out for a kegger. Remember, when you got
busted? I figured if you could get out, I could get in.”
“You could have killed yourself!” Ephram stopped and lowered his voice again.
“I said, what are you doing here?” Colin didn’t answer and Ephram couldn’t
really make out his expression in the gloom beyond his bed. “Look, if this
is…if you’re here to get off then you’ve come to the wrong place. I told you I
don’t want to see you. Get the hell out.”
Colin stood, unmoving. Ephram shook his head. “Fine, I’ll start yelling and my
father will be here in like, ten seconds. Is that what you want?”
Colin moved forward to the side of the bed and sat down. “You look really
peaceful when you’re sleeping. You know that?”
Ephram swallowed. Colin seemed out of it, slightly dazed. “What’s going on?
You’re…you’re shaking.” The moonlight through the window brushed Colin’s face.
Ephram couldn’t help but think he looked beautiful.
Colin looked down, avoiding Ephram’s eyes. Ephram wanted to reach out and touch
him, but he resisted. He steeled himself, his voice cold. “Colin, you have to
go. We’ve said all there is to say.”
Colin didn’t move. He seemed frozen, and Ephram was gearing himself up to order
him out again when Colin looked up. His eyes gleamed and a tear ran down his
cheek. “Please don’t hate me.” Ephram stared in shock. Colin’s voice shook.
“Please, Ephram. I don’t know what to do. Please don’t hate me.” He cried
softly.
Ephram didn’t think, just reached out and wrapped his arms around Colin,
pulling him close. Colin’s breath was ragged and his voice pained. “Don’t hate
me. Please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” He clutched Ephram tightly.
Ephram held him, and reached one hand up to stroke his hair gently. “I don’t
hate you, Colin. It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” His voice was choked and he
fought his own tears. He’d tried so hard to hate him, but he couldn’t.
After a while, Colin’s sobs subsided. He kissed Ephram’s neck, then pulled back
and looked into his eyes. Colin leaned in to kiss him, but Ephram pulled back.
“No. You can’t fix everything with sex. We need to talk.”
Colin’s voice was hoarse. “We will. But…please, I just need…I need you.” Ephram
told himself that he should get up, but when Colin tried to kiss him again, he
let him. “I just need to feel you close, Ephram. You’re the only one who really
knows me, I need you so much.” Colin continued kissing him and Ephram felt
himself falling again.
Colin’s hands roamed over Ephram’s body, and he lifted Ephram's shirt over his
head. He looked at the bruises that still darkened Ephram’s chest, then pushed
him back gently upon the bed, his fingers gently tracing the mottled skin.
Ephram’s breath caught in his throat as Colin softly kissed each bruise,
licking the skin tenderly. Colin brushed Ephram’s stomach lightly with one hand
while his lips continued their exploration.
Eventually, Ephram pulled Colin’s head back up towards his own. He kissed him
passionately and pulled Colin’s shirt over his head, moaning in pleasure at the
feel of skin on skin. He yanked his pajama bottoms and underwear off, then
helped Colin with the fly of his jeans.
Soon they were both naked, pressed against each other. They kissed, only
stopping for breath. Ephram marveled at the feel of Colin’s body on top of his,
his slick and soft skin, the friction between their cocks as they strained
against each other.
Their hips pumped together and their breath quickened, soft moans escaping
their lips. Then Ephram was coming and he bit his lip to avoid crying out.
Colin soon followed and they lay together, spent and sticky.
Ephram grabbed his discarded t-shirt and wiped them both clean. He pulled the
blankets up over them and nestled close to Colin, their legs tangled and their
foreheads pressed together on the pillow.
He knew they had a lot to talk about, but Ephram couldn’t bring himself to
disturb the peace of their cocoon. They drifted off to sleep, breath mingled
and their fingers entwined.
***** Forgive *****
Ephram awoke to the sensation of his earlobe being gently sucked into a warm
mouth. A hand caressed his chest and a leg worked its way between his, a body
pressed up behind him. He looked over his shoulder in the dim, grey light of
the room and Colin’s lips found his. Ephram thought he must have been dreaming.
But Colin didn’t fade away and Ephram turned to face him.
“Hey,” Ephram whispered with a crooked smile. “Are you real?” He reached up and
brushed Colin’s face with his fingers.
Colin looked at him, his face solemn. He was silent for a while, his eyes
drifting shut. “I’m not sure,” he said, softly. Colin opened his eyes again. “I
should go, the sun will be up soon.” Ephram looked over at his clock, wishing
he could press a few buttons and rewind the last few hours. Colin had been in
his bed and he had wasted time actually sleeping.
“Good thing you woke up, my Dad gets up kinda early.”
“I never sleep through the night, I have these dreams and stuff. Sometimes I
can’t sleep at all, it’s like…I feel like I already slept forever at the
hospital.”
“Oh.” Ephram wasn’t sure what to say, or whether to ask the question that had
been weighing on his mind, but he went ahead. “Colin, what’s up with the
drinking? Like, are you doing it a lot? Because I don’t think that’s a good
thing.”
Colin rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling. “It’s nothing, don’t worry
about it. Sometimes I just need to take the edge off.”
“Like last night? Or this morning, whenever it was you came over?” Ephram had
thought he tasted something on Colin’s tongue, faintly. Vodka, perhaps, there
wasn’t really a flavour, more of an impression of alcohol left behind. When
Colin didn’t answer, Ephram continued. “Where are you getting it from? It’s not
like your parents keep it in the house after what happened.”
Colin still regarded the ceiling. “It’s easy. No one locks their doors in this
town.”
Ephram propped himself on his elbow and looked down at Colin incredulously.
“You’re breaking into people’s houses to get booze?”
“Shhh. You want your father coming in here?”
Ephram lowered his voice back to a whisper. “Seriously, you’re busting into
people’s houses?”
“It’s not like anyone’s going to miss a bottle from their cabinet, you should
see how much stuff some people keep.”
“Colin, that’s breaking and entering.”
“I told you the doors are unlocked.”
Ephram rolled his eyes and flopped back down on the mattress. “That’s fucked
up.”
Colin shrugged. “Yeah, I know. There’s a lot of stuff that’s fucked up right
now. I’m sorry, I figured it wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
“You’re hurting yourself. Look, promise me you’ll stop, okay? When you feel
like drinking, just…call me instead.”
Colin looked at him, the growing light through the window giving Ephram a
better view of his face. “Why do you care, Ephram? After what I did…why…why
don’t you hate me? I know last night I…I was a mess, and you felt sorry for me.
But I don’t blame you if you do hate me.” Colin inhaled a shaky breath. “I
don’t deserve you, Ephram.”
Their eyes were locked and Ephram swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “You’re
right, you don’t.”
Colin flinched and shut his eyes. Ephram reached out and brushed his eyes open
again. “Colin, you really hurt me. And I tried to hate you, believe me, I did.
But I don’t. I can’t. I love you too much.”
Colin sucked in a quick breath and his eyes filled with tears. He fought for
control, but his exhale was a soft sob. He pulled Ephram to him, their arms
winding around each other. Ephram could feel Colin’s tears wetting his neck and
he clung to him. He’d said it.
Love.
Ephram marveled at how naturally the word had spilled from his mouth, he hadn’t
even thought twice.
Colin cried softly and Ephram stroked his back gently. After a few minutes,
Colin raised his head. “How? How can you love me? I’m like…half a person. A
ghost of someone they say I used to be and this cowardly freak they brought
home from the hospital.”
Ephram tried to wipe the tears from Colin’s face. “You’re not a freak, okay?
There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. There’s nothing wrong with
being gay, no matter what anyone says. It’s not wrong. We’re not wrong, Colin.”
“But look at me. Look what I did to you, the one person who really knows me.
Who really…loves me.” His voice choked with emotion. “I totally sold you out, I
just sat back and let my parents and everyone believe that you were some
horrible person because I was too scared to stand up for you.”
“Well, yeah, that was pretty much the worse thing anyone’s ever done to me, I’m
not going to lie.” Colin looked away towards the window, blinking back more
tears. Ephram went on. “Colin, you were a coward, you’re right. But you don’t
have to be. Don’t you see? You can be whoever you want to be. I know that your
parents and Amy and everyone else wants something different, but it’s your
life.”
“Is it?” Colin’s eyes were still on the brightening window. “Sometimes I feel
like I’m just borrowing this body. Like I’m a bookmark and someday Colin the
First will come back and take up where he left off. Then I’ll just be floating
around somewhere. Sometimes I feel like I’m already dead.” Colin turned his
head back and their eyes locked. “Except when I’m with you. That day in the
darkroom was the first time I ever felt alive.” He took a deep breath and the
words flowed out with it. “I love you, Ephram.”
It was Ephram’s turn to well up. “Colin…” His voice cracked and he ducked his
head. Colin tenderly ran his fingers through Ephram’s hair.
“I didn’t mean to love you. I tried to be what they wanted, what he was. I
thought that I could do it, that I could be him and forget about you. But I
can’t and I’m so sorry that I abandoned you like that. I didn’t want to hurt
you, I never wanted that. I was just so afraid. I still…I still am. But I hate
myself for hurting you. Please…please say you’ll forgive me.”
Ephram wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. “Colin, what you did was terrible
and you really have no idea how much it hurt.” Ephram struggled for the right
words. “You betrayed me in the worst way and you betrayed yourself. But I can
forgive you.” Colin’s eyes brightened. “But only on one condition. You have to
come out, Colin. You have to tell everyone the truth. I won’t be your secret.”
Colin sighed and his eyes flicked away. “I know. But it’ll break their hearts,
Ephram.”
Ephram was going to answer when he heard the sound of his father’s footsteps in
the hall. He held his breath until he heard the bathroom door close. Colin sat
up and reached for his discarded clothes.
Although they had been speaking in hushed tones, Colin lowered his voice
further. “I should go, I don’t think your father would be too happy to find me
here.”
“Probably not. But you know, he’s been really cool. Like, amazingly cool.”
Colin pulled his shirt over his head. “What did you tell him?”
“The truth.”
Colin blinked, as if the word confused him. “You told him…”
“I told him about us, and that I’m gay. And he and Delia have been awesome.
Sometimes people can surprise you, if you’re just honest with them.”
Colin grimaced and stood, pulling up his jeans. “I guess I wouldn’t know.” He
yanked on his shoes and then stood awkwardly by the bed. “So…there’s an ‘us’?
This is really real?” Ephram pulled on his pajama bottoms and walked around the
bed.
“Yeah, it’s real.” Colin leaned in to kiss him, but Ephram stepped back. “But I
mean it, I won’t be your secret.” Colin nodded and pulled him close. Colin’s
hands were on Ephram’s hips and their tongues met. Ephram allowed himself to
enjoy the kiss before pulling back again. “You have to tell the truth. Or it’s
over.”
Colin nodded. “I promise I will. Just give me some time, okay?” Ephram looked
skeptical. “I swear, Ephram! I’ll tell them. This is just really hard, I don’t
think I can go do it over breakfast.”
Ephram softened. “Okay. But soon, right? I won’t wait around forever. Just
remember this is your life, okay, Colin? Not theirs.” Ephram kissed him softly.
“And not his.”
Colin smiled wistfully. “Just…just give me a bit of time. I promise I won’t let
you down.”
They kissed again.
Ephram could hear the shower running in the bathroom. “Come on, you should go
out the front door, it’s too dangerous to be climbing out the window.”
Colin laughed softly. “I guess I should be glad you worry about me.”
Ephram turned, his hand on the doorknob. “I almost forgot. You have to promise
not to drink anymore and you sure as hell have to promise you won’t break into
any more houses.”
“I told you, it’s no big deal.” At Ephram’s stony look, Colin continued. “Fine,
I promise. I swear.” Ephram nodded and opened his door, taking Colin’s hand in
his. They crept into the hallway and tiptoed to the stairs. Delia was still
fast asleep and Andy was humming an off-key tune in the shower.
Downstairs, they paused in front of the door. “Ephram, if I don’t talk to you
at school today, don’t take it the wrong way, okay? I have to tell my parents
before anyone else.”
Ephram nodded reluctantly. They both shifted nervously. Now that they were out
of his room, the real world was back in full force. “See you later, Colin.”
Colin kissed Ephram quickly and then hugged him tightly. He left without
another word, and Ephram watched him walk quickly down the street, his head low
in the early morning light.
Ephram headed back upstairs to his room and flopped back on his bed. When he
turned his face to the pillow, he could smell Colin faintly. He smiled and
burrowed under the covers.
------------------------
 
“Ephram, wake up.” A hand shook him gently.
“Colin?” Ephram struggled up from the depths of his deep sleep, like a diver
struggling to reach the surface of the water. He looked up at his father’s
face, which wore an awkward smile.
“No, it’s just your old man.”
Ephram sat up and rubbed his face. “What’s going on?”
Andy sat on the side of the bed. “You’re going to be late for school. Delia’s
already caught the bus.”
“Oh. Listen, I’m not feeling too well, I don’t think I’m going to go.” Ephram
snuggled back down into the covers.
“What’s wrong?” Andy put his hand on Ephram’s forehead. “You’re not hot, are
you feeling any pain? Do your ribs hurt?”
“Dad, stop. I’m fine. I just don’t feel like going to school, okay? Can I
please take a day off? It’s Friday and this week has just been…really tiring.”
Andy sighed. “Okay, Ephram. I know it’s been tough for you. You’re feeling okay
though? I know it’s hard at school, but you know it won’t always be like this,
right? This isn’t the end all, be all, it’s only one small part of your life,
when you look back on it.”
Ephram smirked. “Don’t worry, I’m not staying home to off myself.”
Andy’s expression darkened. “Ephram, that isn’t funny! Gay teenagers have a
much higher rate of suicide than other kids, and I know things can look
hopeless sometimes. And I worry about you. A lot.”
Ephram blinked and looked down. “I’m sorry. I know you worry.” He looked up at
his father. “I promise, I’m not getting all depressed, I just need a break
today.” He was telling the truth, but Ephram left out the fact that after last
night, he couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Colin at school with Amy and
their bitchy circle of friends. “So, you’ve been doing research on gay teens or
something?”
“I just want to understand the best I can, Ephram.”
“I know, it’s cool. Dad, you’ve been really great. Honestly.”
“Ephram, I need to ask you something. I know we’ve had the safe sex talk
before…” Ephram groaned and turned his face into the pillow. “…And I know you
don’t want to hear it again, clearly. But I need to know that you’ll always be
careful.”
Ephram sighed and turned back to his father. “Dad, I will, okay? It’s not like
I’m going around picking up men at bars or something.” Andy’s expression
tightened and Ephram could see he was uncomfortable with the thought. “Colin’s
the only guy I’ve ever liked, don’t worry.”
“And you know that Colin’s never been with anyone else? Ephram, I’ll remind you
that an STD was going around your school in the fall. You never know.”
Ephram thought of Bright’s confession. What if there had been other guys, too?
He had no idea how far Colin had gone back in those days. But surely the
hospital would have found out if Colin had had an STD? “I’ll talk to him about
it, okay?”
Andy blinked in surprise. “Are you talking to him again? I thought you were
staying away from Colin.” His father’s eyes narrowed.
“I meant, I’ll talk to him about it if we ever…start seeing each other again.
Look, I’m really tired, I just want to get some sleep.”
Andy nodded. “Okay, but I want you to come into the office next week so I can
take some blood and send it to be tested.” Ephram began to protest, but Andy
cut him off. “No debate, you need a check-up anyway. So, I’ll call around lunch
to see how you’re feeling, and how about we go out to Gino Chang’s tonight for
some spring rolls and linguine? You need to get out of the house and have some
fun.”
Ephram grinned half-heartedly at his father’s sudden shift in conversation
topics. “Sure, sounds great.”
He waited until he heard Andy’s car moving down the street before he could
relax. Ephram thought of last night and everything that he and Colin had said.
So, they were in love.
It was official.
He closed his eyes and heard Colin’s voice in his head, felt his hands on his
body. A voice somewhere in the distance warned him not to be so content, not to
count on anything. It was possible that Colin would back out, that he would
change his mind about telling the truth.
Ephram knew that if that happened, it would be over.
But he banished the thought and allowed himself to enjoy the memories while
they were fresh in his mind, knowing that they would inevitably fade. And
knowing that if Colin didn’t keep his word, they might never come again.
-----------------------------
Gino Chang’s was enjoying brisk business. Ephram played rock-scissors-paper
with Delia while they waited for a table. He knew that he was attracting quite
a few stares and whispers from the other patrons, but he tried to ignore them.
He could sense his father’s growing anger and tried to concentrate on Delia.
“Ha! Paper covers rock! I win again, Ephram.”
“Best thirteen out of fourteen.”
“Brown, party of three?” Gino led them to a table, not far from the one where
Amy and her father were enjoying their traditional Friday dinner. She smiled
tightly at Delia’s wave and Dr. Abbott nodded to Andy.
They perused their menus. “So, things not so good with Amy these days?”
Ephram snorted. “Remarkable powers of intuition, Dr. Brown.”
“Why is she mad at you?” Delia looked at him, wide-eyed.
“It’s because of something that happened with Colin. It’s complicated, Delia.
Don’t worry, okay?” Ephram tried to smile reassuringly and went back to his
menu.
“Is Colin mad at you too?”
He wasn’t sure how to answer. “Um…no.”
“Are you sure?”
Ephram rolled his eyes at his sister’s constant questions. “Yes, I’m sure.
Why?”
“Because he just came in and his dad kinda looks like Miss Violet did in my
dream where she was going to explode.”
Both Ephram and Andy turned in their chairs and saw Colin standing by the door
with his parents. Everyone in the restaurant seemed to pick up on the sudden
tension, and a hush fell. Colin seemed frozen in place and his parents regarded
Ephram with fury.
Ephram turned back around and pushed his menu away. “Hey, Dad, remember when
you suggested coming to Gino Chang’s for dinner so I could get out of the
house? Great idea.”
***** Forget *****
Ephram’s heart pounded and his throat was dry. He could feel the heat of the
stares and the excited whispers were like the drone of a thousand bees. He’d
been able to ignore the attention before, but Colin’s presence had instantly
changed everything.
“Ephram, don’t worry, I’ll take care of this.” His father pushed his chair
back.
“How? What? Dad, don’t do anything. It’s fine. Can we just go?” Ephram was
suddenly desperate for fresh air, to be outside, to be away.
“Ephram, we’re not going to leave, we have every right to have dinner in this
restaurant. We can’t be intimidated by these people, I won’t allow it.”
“Let’s be intimidated this one time, please? Let’s….” Ephram trailed off when
he realized Mr. Hart was approaching their table. The buzz of excited chatter
suddenly ceased.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up here.”
Andy’s jaw clenched and Ephram groaned softly. His father was not about to back
down.
“I’m not sure what you mean. There’s no reason my family and I shouldn’t enjoy
a dinner out on a Friday night. As far as I know, this is still a free country.
And my son can go anywhere he chooses.” Andy’s voice was clipped, his gaze
steely.
At that moment, the only place Ephram wanted to be was far, far away. He stole
a glance at Colin, still frozen by the door, his mother fussing over him.
“Your son,” Mr. Hart spat the words out. “…Is a disgusting example of the
depravity that’s all too common in this country these days. He took advantage
of my boy, who has been through enough without having to deal with this too!”
“He did NO such thing!” Andy was standing now. “And if you think you can just
go around tossing out accusations, you’ve got another thing coming!”
“Dad, forget it, okay? Let’s just go!” Ephram’s chest had tightened painfully
and the words were little more than a whisper. He looked at Delia, who watched
their father with tears in her eyes.
“No, it’s not okay! My son would never hurt anyone else, certainly not Colin.”
“There was a witness!” Mr. Hart turned to the Abbott’s. “Amy, you saw what this
little degenerate did, didn’t you?”
Amy looked to Colin, then back at Mr. Hart. Her eyes never met Ephram’s. She
nodded jerkily.
Ephram looked at Colin again. He looked pale, unsteady. Ephram waited for him
to speak up, to stand up for him.
“You see? We didn’t invent this story, Dr. Brown. Your son should be locked up!
You’re obviously no kind of parent. Have you wondered why your patients are all
returning to Dr. Abbott in droves?”
Ephram looked at his father. He hadn’t mentioned anything about trouble at
work. “Dad, is that true?”
Andy looked at him. “Ephram, don’t worry about my work, it’s got nothing to do
with you.” Ephram swallowed and turned away. He could spot his father’s lies
easily.
“Dad, forget it.” Ephram’s head jerked up at the sound of Colin’s voice and all
eyes turned to him where he stood. “Just leave it alone, okay? I’m fine.”
Ephram held his breath and waited for him to go on, but Colin just blinked and
looked down. His mother stroked his head worriedly.
Realization settled upon Ephram with leaden weight.
Colin was never going to tell the truth.
He could hear the fear in his voice and see it in his eyes. It was a mountain
that Colin either couldn’t, or wouldn’t, climb. He’d said he’d give him time,
but Ephram suddenly knew he couldn’t wait any longer.
His eyes filled with tears, and he looked down and tried to blink them away.
His chest constricted and he felt like screaming out loud. The buzzing in his
ears became unbearable and the walls closed in with suffocating intensity.
Ephram pushed his chair back and walked quickly from the restaurant. Colin was
a blur as he passed and once on the street he broke into a run. He barely
noticed the questioning looks from passerby and was soon navigating the quiet
side streets of the town, never breaking stride.
He didn’t look back.
-----------------------------------------------------
 
The air grew increasingly colder as time passed. It had been hours since Ephram
had bolted from the restaurant, and now he walked the deserted streets, his
feet aching.
He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering. His long-sleeved t-shirt did
little to warm him. The day had been balmy, and he still wasn’t used to the
radical temperature swings in the mountains that occurred once night fell.
He thought of New York with a pang. Warm summer nights, sitting out on the
balcony with his mother, talking for hours. He hadn’t been gay then, and
everything had seemed so much easier.
He shook his head and laughed at himself. “You were a queer then too, Brown.
Just too stupid to know it.” His voice was hoarse, and his throat was sore.
He needed to forget; he needed to stop feeling. Amy had told him once that he
should move on. Ephram snorted with self-deprecating laughter. He didn’t even
know where he was. “I guess the first part of moving on is getting lost.” He
looked around at the darkened, unfamiliar houses. Everwood wasn’t that big, but
the houses sprawled out far from the main street.
Ephram knew Amy’s words were as true now as they were then. He had needed to
move on from her and now just needed to move on from Colin, to forget about
him.
Memories flooded his mind – images and sounds and feelings. He thought of
declarations of love and how Colin’s tongue felt caressing his. How he smelled,
how his skin tasted.
Ephram gasped in a breath and once again he felt the urge to scream. His brain
was replaying the memories on a constant loop that grated and hurt more each
time it went around.
Then one of the memories crystallized and Ephram grasped onto it precariously,
banishing all the others. He moved down the street, examining the quiet houses
more carefully.
---------------------------------------------
 
The door swung open softly, giving no resistance. Colin was right, no one
locked their doors, or at least, this family didn’t. Ephram left the door
slightly ajar and tiptoed into the kitchen.
He’d come through the back door, figuring it was the best option. There had
been no cars in the driveway and no signs of a dog. His heart pounded, but he
focused on his task. If the world wouldn’t stop spinning, then he needed to
stop feeling anything at all. Colin certainly seemed to be numbing himself
successfully.
Ephram crept into the dining room and spotted a liquor cabinet on the far wall.
The house was large, and he was sure the inhabitants could spare some of their
collection. The cabinet door creaked and he winced at the sound.
Inside was a myriad of bottles. He went for the vodka, the easiest to choke
down. The bottle was half-filled, but it would do. He closed the cabinet and
turned back to the kitchen.
The fridge stood near the back door, and Ephram paused as one of the pictures
stuck to it caught his eye. It was taken on a beach, and the children laughed
with mouths wide as their mother buried them in sand. She looked not at the
camera, but at them. The affection in her gaze was almost palpable.
Ephram ran his fingers lightly over her eyes, her smile, her brown hair.
He was a block away before he could control his breathing again and stop the
flow of tears.
----------------------------------------------------
 
Early morning light was slowly brightening the sky when Ephram stumbled up to
his front door. It opened before he had even raised his hand to the knob.
“Ephram!” His father crushed him to his chest. “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”
Andy’s eyes roamed over his body, looking for any injuries. Ephram’s head was
like lead and his father’s anxious words were nails on a chalkboard. His tongue
felt like it was coated in cotton and he grunted.
Andy held him by the shoulders at arm’s length. “Where the HELL have you been
all night? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? Do you?” He shook Ephram
slightly.
Nausea roiled up inside him and Ephram lurched out of his father’s grasp. He
barely made it to the bathroom in the hallway before puking up the contents of
his stomach, which mainly consisted of vodka.
He moaned and curled up on the floor, beside the toilet.
Andy’s voice boomed down. “So you stayed out all damn night drinking? Are you
kidding me? Since when is this acceptable behaviour, Ephram?”
Since when is being a fag acceptable behaviour? Ephram asked the question in
his head, unable to form the words. He moaned again and pressed his cheek to
the cool tile.
Then his father’s hands were lifting him up to his feet. Andy supported
Ephram’s weight as they navigated the stairs. He lowered Ephram to his bed and
stripped off his pants and shirt, which were dirty from the jungle gym where
he’d eventually rested.
He curled on his side and was lost to the world.
------------------------------------------------
 
His head was much too heavy, Ephram decided.
He woke up by degrees. He felt like he was in his own bed, but he couldn’t be
sure until he opened his eyes. But like his head, his eyelids seemed to have
become impossibly weighed down.
A door opened and Ephram forced his eyes open. Luckily, his room greeted him.
He rolled over onto his back and found his father by the side of the bed. Andy
stood with his arms crossed.
“Sleeping beauty finally wakes. It’s only been about ten hours. Ephram, what
the hell were you thinking?”
Ephram’s response was a low groan. He licked his lips and coughed slightly, and
his father picked up a glass of water from the bedside table. He propped
Ephram’s head up and helped him drink.
When Ephram had settled back down, Andy took a seat on the side of the bed.
“Ephram, I know you’re going through a lot, but this isn’t the way to handle
it.”
Ephram spoke quietly and tried to stay as still as possible, hoping the pain in
his head would subside. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Andy’s tone was incredulous. “Well you’d damn well better be! I
looked all over for you and then when you didn’t come home I had no idea where
you were. If you’d had an accident or if someone had hurt you. Those bullies at
school already beat you up once, and next time it could be worse. I’ve never
been so worried about you.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
Andy went on as if Ephram hadn’t spoken. “And did you think for a minute about
your sister? She was up most of the night looking out the window for you. I
tried to get her to go to bed, but she wouldn’t until you came home. Finally,
she cried herself to sleep.”
Shame coursed through him. “I’m sorry. I…I wasn’t thinking. I felt like I was
going crazy or something, I just needed to…I don’t know what.”
“To drink yourself senseless? Where did you get the liquor? You know, I
believed you when you said you didn’t give Colin anything to drink before. Was
that a lie? Have you been drinking behind my back, Ephram?”
“No!” Ephram winced at the pain in his head. “I swear, I haven’t been drinking
before last night. Honestly. I got it from this place where Colin used to get
it.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. Ephram knew there was no way in hell he could
tell his father he’d actually broken into someone’s house to steal it. More
shame flushed him as he thought of what he’d done.
“And where the hell were you all night? You were filthy. Why didn’t you come
home? Don’t you know you can always come home? Ephram, I don’t want you
sleeping on the street.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
Andy took this in. “Fine, Ephram. But you’d better believe that you are
grounded and if I catch you so much as having a sip of cooking wine, you are
going to be very, very sorry. I want to trust you, but you don’t make it very
easy sometimes.”
“I know. But I promise I won’t drink again. I just…I just freaked out. I told
you I wanted to go, why do you always have to be the big man and argue?” Ephram
sniffed and his eyes were watery at the memory. “I couldn’t handle it, Dad.”
Andy looked down. “I’m sorry, Ephram. You’re right, I should have backed down
and left when you said you wanted to. It’s just…you’re my son, Ephram. I was
trying to protect you. But clearly, I screwed that one up. I’ll try harder next
time, I promise.”
“Okay. And you can ground me as long as you want, my life is over anyway.”
“Ephram, that isn’t true! Your life has hardly begun, don’t let some small-
minded people…”
He cut him off before he could get fully worked up to lecture mode. “Dad, stop.
I know, okay? Seriously, I told you yesterday, I’m not going to kill myself or
anything.”
“Right. You’ll just anaesthetize yourself with copious amounts of alcohol.”
“I won’t, I swear.” He tried to sit up, but slumped back on his pillow.
“Believe me, I don’t look forward to ever feeling like this again.”
His father reached out and brushed his hair from his forehead. “Hangovers
aren’t too much fun, huh? Let this be a lesson.”
“It was.” Ephram reached for the water and managed to drink it unassisted.
“Well, dinner’s in an hour. I thought we could order in.” The mention of food
made Ephram groan and Andy smiled. “You can have some soup, don’t worry.” He
was silent for a while and he stroked Ephram’s hair again. “I love you so much,
you know that?”
Ephram squirmed and looked away. “I know,” he mumbled. He looked back at his
father. “What happened after I left last night?”
Andy sighed and dropped his hand back into his lap. “We can talk about this
later. You rest now.”
“No. I want to hear it. And what’s this about you losing patients? Why didn’t
you tell me?”
“Because it’s got nothing to do with you.” Ephram snorted. “Alright, maybe
these particular people have been influenced by gossip. I don’t want them as my
patients, in that case. There are still plenty of people willing to take my
free medicine, don’t worry, kiddo.”
“Okay. But what about last night? Did you and Mr. Hart start throwing punches?”
“No. After you left, we had a few more words and Dr. Abbott managed to calm him
down. Delia and I left to go after you.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. Sorry to disappoint you, but I wasn’t involved in any brawls.” Andy
laughed.
“So…Colin didn’t, like, say anything else?”
His father’s smile faded. “No. I’m sorry, Ephram. I think Colin is feeling an
awful lot of pressure right now, from his parents and from Amy. Not to mention
the town, after his accident, he really became a public figure, Everwood’s
number one son. He doesn’t have your strength right now. But it doesn’t mean he
never will.”
Ephram exhaled a shaky breath. “It’ll be too late. I’m never speaking to him
again.”
“I understand how hurt you must feel, Ephram.”
“No, you don’t! You have no idea, okay?” He turned on his side, away from his
father.
Andy’s tone was resigned. “Okay.” The bed creaked as he stood up. “Hey, what do
you say we go to Denver tomorrow? You and Delia can take Monday off school;
we’ll do some shopping, stay in a hotel. What do you say?”
“Fine, whatever.” Ephram didn’t care where they went, as long as it was out of
Everwood.
-----------------------------------------------------
 
Denver was a welcome change of pace and Ephram was glad they weren’t there to
visit the hospital, for once. It wasn’t New York, but at least it was a city.
He could walk the streets without garnering any attention and he basked in the
anonymity.
Delia hadn’t tired of playing “I Spy” the entire drive down, but he didn’t
mind. When he finally left his room the day before, she’d run up to him and
whapped him on the arm before hugging him tightly. He watched her skipping down
the sidewalk ahead of him and smiled.
“You’d think she hadn’t seen a toy store in years,” Andy said, genially.
“Well, it’s not every day you get an Equestrian Barbie for your very own.”
“I’m hoping she’ll be satisfied with this and forget about that horse I
promised her.”
Ephram laughed. “Dream on, Dr. Brown. Besides, I was a witness, remember?
There’s no way I’m letting her forget.”
“I should have known better, huh?” They laughed and headed into a music shop,
Andy calling for Delia, who was eyeing an ice cream parlour further up the
street. She was soon sitting in a corner, playing happily with her new doll
while Andy and Ephram browsed the sheet music.
Ephram looked for something challenging, time-consuming. If he couldn’t drown
his sorrows, at least he could try and play them away. He had always despised
Liszt, but now he felt the hate fueled him.
He would conquer Liszt’s hardest piece, if it was the last thing he did.
-----------------------------------------------------
 
“Dad, I’m going for a swim, okay?”
Delia and Andy were lying on one of the beds in the large suite, watching a
movie. “Isn’t it a bit late?” Andy looked at his watch.
Ephram had already changed into his bathing suit. “No, the concierge said it
was open ‘til midnight. I just want to go for a few laps and sit in the hot tub
or something. Might as well take advantage of everything this place has to
offer, I’m sure it’s costing enough.”
Andy smirked. “Good point. Okay, just be careful. No diving!” Ephram saluted
and then waved to Delia as he walked out the door, a t-shirt on and his towel
slung over his shoulder.
He was pleasantly surprised to find the pool empty. It was fairly small, but
big enough to do lengths in comfortably. After ten minutes, he moved to the hot
tub in the corner of the room. He relaxed in the water and closed his eyes.
They opened a few minutes later when another bather walked through the door.
Ephram’s breath caught in his throat.
The man was…well, he was beautiful. He was tall, with sandy-blonde hair, blue
eyes and a lean, muscled body. Ephram guessed he was in his early twenties. He
stared as he walked to the pool and slipped off his flip-flops. His bathing
suit was surfer-style, similar to Ephram’s.
He tossed his towel onto a bench lining the wall before turning back to the
pool. At the edge, he stopped and looked right at Ephram. He raised an eyebrow.
“Hi.”
Ephram flushed, realizing that he’d been staring openly. “Hey,” he mumbled,
looking away.
The man smiled. “Nice night for a swim.”
“Uh, yeah.” Ephram groaned inwardly. He was so pathetic.
The stranger laughed and hopped into the pool. After a few dozen laps, he got
out and picked up his towel. “I think I’ll go take a steam.” He stretched his
arms over his head and Ephram couldn’t help but admire his gleaming chest. “If
you get bored in the hot tub, come on in and keep me company.”
Ephram gulped. Was he…no, it was impossible. Ridiculous! He wasn’t being…hit
on, was he?
The man smiled and gave him a look that Ephram could only describe as “come
hither.” Ephram was left staring at the door through which he had departed.
Butterflies flapped their wings forcefully in his stomach.
He was probably imagining the whole thing; the guy was just being friendly.
Right? Ephram’s mind spun. What if he wasn’t imagining it? He realized he was
hard just thinking about it.
Unconsciously, his hand moved below the churning water and he stroked himself.
Did this man, this gorgeous man, really want…him? Suddenly he was coming in the
hot water and he looked around, guiltily.
He’d never really thought about any other guys except Colin. When he had in the
past, he’d always clamped down on the feelings almost immediately. But here he
was, jacking off in a public place at the mere thought of this stranger.
Ephram took a deep breath and got out of the hot tub. He didn’t owe Colin
anything, and this would probably be nothing.
Definitely nothing.
He walked back into the change room area, where the steam room stood to his
left. Ephram stopped in front of it. Maybe this guy was just being polite.
They’d probably just sit there and struggle to make boring small talk.
His heart pounded in his chest and he stood with his hand on the handle.
He took a deep breath and pulled the door open, walking into the hazy room. The
man lounged on the top bench, naked. He smiled beguilingly. “Well, hey there.”
The door shut behind Ephram with a thud.
He had a feeling he wouldn’t have to worry about small talk.
***** Natural *****
“Well, don’t be shy. Come on in.”
Ephram clutched his towel tightly and willed his legs to move. He took a few
tentative steps across the misty room and sat on the lower bench, a couple of
feet to the man’s left. He thought he heard him chuckle under his breath.
“What’s your name?”
“Um, Ephram.” His face felt flushed from both embarrassment and the steam.
“Well, Um Ephram, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Mark.” He sat up and reached his
hand down. Ephram shook it quickly. “You here on vacation?”
“Not really. I live in a crap-hole town a few hours away. I’m just here for a
couple of days with my family.”
“I came for a wedding, I’m going back home to Seattle tomorrow.”
“Oh. Cool.”
Silence settled over the room and Ephram fiddled with his towel, pulling loose
strands free. Finally, Mark spoke. “You know, you get a better steam up here.
Why don’t you come sit beside me?”
Ephram’s pulse raced. “Okay.” He pulled himself up onto the upper bench.
Mark smiled reassuringly. “Don’t look so nervous. A good steam will help you
relax.”
Ephram nodded mechanically. “Uh huh.”
Mark laughed. “Look kid, it’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you don’t
want to, that’s not my scene.”
“No! I mean…I um..want to. I’m just…not very, um….”
Mark put his hand on Ephram’s shoulder. “It’s okay, I get it. You look like
you’re about to face a firing squad.” His hand was warm and Ephram felt a
tingle up his spine at the contact. Mark’s hand moved around to the back of
Ephram’s neck. “You just need to relax.” He kneaded the tense muscles with his
fingers.
Ephram’s breathing was shallow and his mind raced. Was he actually going to do
this? Then Mark was leaning in and Ephram realized he was about to be kissed by
a perfect stranger.
A thrill ran through him.
His lips parted and Mark’s tongue slipped into his mouth. They kissed and
Ephram leaned into him, Mark’s fingers skipping lightly down his spine.
Mark’s tongue danced around his and Ephram pressed his body closer. Finally, he
had to pull back to gasp in a breath. Mark smiled. “Feeling more relaxed?”
Ephram nodded and he imagined his expression must have been fairly comical.
Mark laughed softly and then his lips were moving down Ephram’s neck.
He moved gracefully to his knees on the lower bench in front of Ephram, his
towel folded under him. His hands roamed over Ephram’s body and he sucked one
of Ephram’s nipples into his mouth. Ephram bit his lip to stifle a moan. His
hands grasped Mark’s shoulders awkwardly.
Mark sucked and licked the other nipple and Ephram’s breath grew more laboured.
Mark’s head dipped lower and his tongue dipped into Ephram’s belly button, as
his hands pulled Ephram’s bathing suit down his hips.
Although he had just come not ten minutes before in the whirlpool, he was hard
again. Mark swirled his tongue over the tip of his cock, and Ephram gasped. His
body was slick with sweat and he shivered with pleasure. Then Mark’s hot mouth
was surrounding him, his tongue doing things that Ephram hadn’t known were
possible.
It had felt good when Colin had sucked him, but this…this was….Ephram’s thought
trailed off, and he imagined Colin, on his knees in front of him. Suddenly he
was coming hard in Mark’s mouth. He cried out and slumped back on the wall, his
breath coming in gasps, his eyes closed.
He opened them to find Mark licking his lips and smiling. Ephram flushed.
“Sorry, I couldn’t help it, I would have warned you…”
“Don’t worry about it, kid.” He pulled himself up and sat beside Ephram, who
was still catching his breath. Mark smiled again and leaned his head back
against the wall. Ephram closed his eyes and sighed. His eyes opened and he
looked at Mark again, his gaze drifting downward. Mark was hard, and he stroked
himself slowly.
“That was…um…wow. But I’ve never…I don’t know how…” Ephram stammered.
“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to. But if you want to learn…”
Ephram pulled up his bathing suit and took a deep breath, kneeling in front of
him before he could change his mind, folding his towel under his knees as Mark
had done. So, this was it.
He was actually going to do it.
“Just start slowly, don’t try to take too much, or you’ll choke.”
Ephram nodded and leaned forward. He tentatively swirled his tongue around the
tip, trying to mimic Mark’s earlier actions. It tasted…it tasted like nothing
else he’d ever experienced. Like pure sex, he thought, stupidly. He sucked the
head into his mouth and the musky smell, combined with the steam was heady.
“That’s it, you’re doing great.” Mark stroked Ephram’s hair gently. “Now try
and take a little more and…ow!” Ephram bolted back.
“I’m sorry!”
Mark smiled. “It’s okay, it’s okay. You just have to watch your teeth.” He
laughed and urged Ephram forward again. “Cover your teeth with your lip. Like
this.” Mark demonstrated, and Ephram followed suit. He lowered his head again
and sucked Mark further into his mouth.
“Yeah, that’s it.” Mark moaned and Ephram experimentally ran his tongue along
the underside of the shaft. “Oh yeah, you’re a natural, kid.” Now use your hand
as well…yeah, like that. Now suck harder...yeah, you've got it.” Ephram moved
his head up and down and savoured the sensation of Mark’s cock in his mouth. He
moved lower and suddenly he was gagging and he sat back quickly.
“Careful, just take it easy. You’ll get used to it eventually.”
“Sorry.” Ephram coughed. He caught his breath and then continued as he had
before, taking care not to swallow him too deeply. Eventually Mark’s breathing
grew ragged and his fingers tightened in Ephram’s hair.
Abruptly he pulled Ephram’s head up and jerked his cock a few times, coming
against his chest and moaning loudly. Ephram watched him in fascination.
“Damn, you’re a quick study. You sure you haven't done that before?” Mark
pulled Ephram up beside him and kissed him soundly. He slung an arm around his
shoulder and held him close. They both relaxed against the wall, replete.
After a few minutes of contented silence, Mark spoke again. “I probably
shouldn’t ask this, but how old are you, anyway?”
“If I say eighteen, will you believe me?”
Mark cocked an eyebrow. “I highly doubt it.”
“Fifteen.”
He shook his head. “You could get me in a lot of trouble, kid. But I just
couldn’t resist, you looked so…well, hot in that hot tub.” He waggled his
eyebrows suggestively.
Ephram laughed and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.”
“Hey, I’m serious. I don’t blow just anyone in the steam room.”
Ephram fidgeted uncomfortably. “You…you really think I’m…like, good looking?”
Mark smiled. “Yeah, I really do.” He leaned over and kissed him, sucking
Ephram’s lower lip into his mouth. He pulled back and grinned. “Take it from
me, kid, you won’t have any trouble finding other guys to practice your
technique on.”
Then his expression darkened and he continued, “but hey, be careful, okay? I
realize this sounds…well, fairly ridiculous coming from me at this point, but
don’t go making a habit of this. You might get more than you bargained for.”
“I will. Be careful, I mean.”
“There are a lot of men out there who would just love to take advantage of a
cute little twink like you. Just watch yourself.”
“Okay.” His father’s words about being careful flitted through Ephram’s mind.
But…did people use condoms for blow jobs? He thought about asking Mark, but
stayed silent.
“Come on, we should go hit the showers before the cleaning crew comes in and
gets a surprise.”
Ephram quickly stepped out of his bathing suit and slung his towel around him
as Mark had. The shower room had stalls with glass doors and Mark pulled him
into one near the back of the room and turned the water on.
They both shampooed their hair and then Mark soaped him up playfully. “Here,
let me do your back.” He turned Ephram around and ran his hands down to his
buttocks. Ephram sighed back towards him, lulled by the hot water and the time
spent in the steam room.
“Hey, Mark?”
Mark’s hands moved up and down Ephram’s back. “Hmm?”
“Did you mean what you said before? About me being…a natural? I mean, I’m sure
you were probably just being nice…”
“Ephram, I meant it. You’re going to make some guy back in your hometown very,
very happy.”
Ephram thought of Colin with a pang, but the image evaporated as Mark pulled
him flush against his body. He kissed Ephram’s neck and pulled lightly on his
ear, one hand gliding over Ephram’s chest and stomach.
Then he whispered, “you’ve got the most beautiful ass.” Ephram felt like he was
buzzing all over as Mark’s other hand caressed his buttocks. “I guess you’ve
never been fucked before, huh?” He slipped one soapy finger inside Ephram.
He gasped and shook his head. Mark’s finger moved inside him and his voice was
in his ear. “Come upstairs and I’ll show you how good it can be.” He sucked on
Ephram’s neck and his free hand stroked Ephram's cock, which was hardening yet
again.
Mark slipped a second finger inside and Ephram panted. He whispered in his ear
again. “What do you say?” Ephram tried to focus, but couldn’t. He could feel
Mark’s cock against his ass and at that moment he wanted nothing more than for
Mark to fuck him right and then and there.
“Ephram?”
He jumped a mile at the sound of his father’s voice in the outer change room
and Mark pulled away. “Dad?” His heart pounded so forcefully he thought he
might pass out. “I’m just getting out of the shower, I’ll be there in a
second!” Ephram gasped for air and his eyes were like saucers when he turned to
Mark, who smiled.
“Maybe next time, kid,” he whispered. He kissed him quickly and then turned off
the water and pushed Ephram out the door. Ephram wrapped his towel back around
his waist and hoped his father wouldn’t notice his partial erection. He walked
into the main room where his father stood, waiting.
“I just got a little worried, you were gone for a long time.”
“Was I? Sorry, I guess I didn’t notice.” They stood and looked at each other.
Andy smiled quizzically. “Everything okay?”
Ephram nodded rapidly. “Uh huh! Everything’s fine.”
“Okay. Ready to go upstairs?” He looked over at Ephram’s t-shirt and shoes on
the change room bench. “Where’re your trunks?”
Ephram’s breath caught in his throat and he was momentarily paralyzed. Finally,
he swallowed and said, “I must have hung them up by the shower. I’ll just be a
second.”
“Okay.” His father still wore a slightly puzzled smile.
Ephram went back around the corner into the shower room and quickly picked up
his suit from the floor.
Andy called from the other room, “so, did you have a good swim?”
Mark peered out from the stall and smirked. Their eyes locked. Ephram spoke
loudly enough for his father to hear, but never took his eyes from Mark's.
“Yeah, I had a really good time. It was…amazing.”
Andy’s voice floated back. “Amazing, huh? Well, that’s nice to hear. They must
have good facilities.”
“Yeah. The best.” Ephram returned Mark's smirk and then turned away and went
back to where his father waited.
Upstairs in his room, adjacent to his father and Delia’s, Ephram lay in bed for
a long time before he slept, replaying the events of the evening in his head
endlessly.
He wondered which room Mark was in, and grinned into the darkness.
***** Epiphany *****
“Hey, Brown!”
Ephram kept walking, eyes focused ahead. The school week was over and for that,
he was profoundly grateful. He had been attending classes in a daze, willing
himself to just make it until the end of the year, which was now only a week
away. It had been almost a month since the night at the restaurant and the
blissful two days in Denver and the summer was now tantalizingly close.
At the thought of Denver, Ephram blushed. He always did when images of Mark
flitted through his mind, which was often.
“Are you deaf, faggot?”
Ephram still didn’t turn, but walked on. It sounded like Steve Barker, one of
the generic jock assholes that seemed to have been cloned by the dozens in
Everwood. For a moment, Ephram imagined himself fighting them all, kicking and
punching with lethal precision as they tumbled away from him in broken heaps.
Then he’d fly away, the mountains distant below him.
He laughed to himself. He’d been seeing way too many movies lately; it was the
only time when he could forget about his own life. Steve continued yelling
taunts down the hall, but Ephram tuned him out.
He’d become used to the constant abuse, the fresh grafitti on his locker almost
every day. He had steeled himself to the glimpses of Colin in the hallways and
had convinced his father to write him a note to be excused from gym for the
rest of the semester. He could handle history class, but gym was
too…interactive.
Too much chance for contact.
Colin seemed to have realized that it was over, that his inability to defend
Ephram at the restaurant had been the end of their relationship. He had never
approached Ephram again. He didn’t even steal glances during history. Colin
seemed to have completely immersed himself into Amy and his asshole friends.
Ephram tried not to be hurt by this, telling himself that this was what he
wanted. But every time he opened his defaced locker, his eyes automatically
scanned the interior for a note that might have been slipped inside.
He told himself that he didn’t miss Colin.
Ephram had retreated into a cocoon. He rarely went into town, and his father
took him to Glendale to see movies. As worried as his father was about him,
Ephram knew he secretly enjoyed spending so much time together.
After the incident at Gino Chang’s, Ephram was reluctant to go anywhere, even
Mama Joy’s. Nina was still friendly and made small talk when he saw her in
passing, usually picking up or dropping off Delia. But there was a tightness to
her smile that hadn’t been there before.
As Ephram walked up his driveway, he could hear Delia and Sam laughing and
squealing in Nina’s backyard. Andy and Nina were by Nina’s garden, talking.
They didn’t see him, so Ephram ducked into the house.
He dropped his knapsack on the kitchen table and grabbed some juice from the
fridge, gulping it from the carton as he poked around for a snack. He gave up
on the leftovers and moved to the cupboard, taking a couple of Oreos.
As he munched the cookies, he noticed a stack of books sitting on the table,
beside an Amazon.com box. Ephram looked in the box to check for DVDs, but it
was empty. He sighed and was about to go upstairs when he noticed the title of
the book that sat on top of the pile. “Coming Out and You – A Teenager’s Guide
to Homosexuality.”
Ephram groaned aloud and rolled his eyes. “Jesus, Dad, you never quit.” He went
through the pile quickly, shaking his head at the psychobabble titles. But one
book caught his eye. It was a collection of short stories about coming out, and
it looked slightly less lame than the others.
Upstairs in his room, he started reading. To his surprise, Ephram found himself
devouring each tale quickly. He felt comforted to know that what he felt wasn’t
crazy and that he wasn’t the only one to be going through a hard time.
He laughed out loud; he sounded like he should be on Oprah, he was so trite.
The next story in the book told of a boy and his crush on his childhood friend.
As the tale progressed, the two became involved and…it was…well, it was
almost…pornographic, Ephram thought. He was pretty sure his father was unaware
of how explicit the content in this particular story was.
It was the first time he’d ever read about two guys together, and it was…very,
very hot. He got up and nervously glanced out the window to ensure that Delia
and his father were still next door. Back on the bed, Ephram pulled his cock
out and rubbed himself as his eyes flew over the words. The boy in the story
was on his hands and knees, his friend moving behind him.
Ephram remembered the feeling of Mark’s fingers and he imagined what it would
have been like to be fucked by him, to have that hard cock inside him. He
panted and jacked himself and then he was coming hard with a low moan.
He slumped back on the bed and caught his breath. Ephram smirked and
acknowledged that maybe his father’s taste in books wasn’t so bad, after all.
 
------------------------------------------
 
The phone on his desk was shrill, piercing Ephram’s dreams. He opened his eyes
with a start and looked at his clock. It was after one o’clock in the morning,
and Ephram blearily wondered who would be calling. At dinner, his father had
said his grandparents might call, but it would be far too late in New York now.
Andy’s voice drifted over, muffled by Ephram’s bedroom door. He got out of bed
and went down the hallway, stopping to hover outside Andy’s bedroom.
“Uh huh. I see. Did he hit his head again?”
Ephram’s breath caught in his throat and his heart skipped a beat.
“What was he doing there?…Uh huh…what kind of dog was it?”
Oh, god. Ephram immediately knew what had happened and he slumped against the
wall, his eyes closed. His breath came in shallow gasps.
“Well, Edna, I don’t know what to tell you. I can come and examine him, but I’m
not sure what good it will do. And I’m pretty sure Colin’s parents won’t want
me there…oh. Okay, then. I’ll see you soon.”
Ephram opened his eyes as Andy stepped out into the hall.
Andy started with surprise when he saw Ephram. “Ephram, something’s happened to
Colin. I’m afraid there’s been…an accident. I have to go to the hospital. You
stay here with your sister, okay?”
“It wasn’t an accident. Tell me what happened.” Ephram looked at his father
with glistening eyes.
“He was bitten by a dog in a house on the east side of town. No one knows what
he was doing there, the people who live in the house have never met him before.
He seems to have just wandered in.” Andy shook his head and sighed. “That’s why
Edna called, his parents think that maybe he was in some kind of altered state,
something to do with his injuries. They want me to examine him.”
“But he’s okay?”
“Yes, he was very lucky. He has some bites on his hands and arms, but the
owners were asleep upstairs and they called the dog off when they recognized
Colin.”
Ephram took in a shuddering breath and leaned back against the wall. “He didn’t
wander in, Dad.”
“What?” Andy looked at him intently, but Ephram kept his eyes averted. “How do
you know that?”
“Because he told me that he’s been going into people’s houses to steal booze. I
guess he thought they weren’t home. No one locks their doors, it’s easy.” Too
late, Ephram realized his slip. “That’s what he says, anyway.”
Andy’s eyes narrowed. “Is that how you got the alcohol that night you worried
me half to death? Is it?” Andy’s voiced raised in indignation.
“Shhh, you’ll wake Delia.” His father gave a look that told him not to press
his luck. Ephram said, “I only did it once, I swear! Believe me, I feel bad
enough already, okay? Dad, please…you know I’ve been staying home all the time,
I promise, I’ll never do it again.”
Andy shook his head. “Okay, Ephram, we’ll deal with this later. Colin’s parents
have asked for me, so they must be extremely worried, considering…what’s
happened. I’m going to go to the hospital now.”
Andy went to get dressed and Ephram returned to his bed. He left the door open,
so he could hear when his father returned. Andy poked his head in before he
left.
“I’ll see you in the morning, okay, kiddo?” Ephram nodded. Andy turned, but
then looked back at Ephram. “And don’t worry, Colin’s going to be fine.”
Ephram stared at the ceiling and listened to the sound of his father’s car fade
in the distance. He checked on Delia and then went downstairs and sat at the
piano. He pulled out the Liszt piece he had bought in Denver, squinting at it
in the moonlight.
His fingers moved ghost-like over the keys as he waited for dawn.
 
---------------------------------
 
The hospital corridors were quiet and Ephram moved quickly, head low. He wore a
baseball cap, hoping to avoid being recognized by anyone. He looked out for
Colin’s parents.
Ephram had been waiting for him by the door when Andy returned home in the
morning. His father had tried to reassure him that Colin was fine and was going
to recover completely, but Ephram needed to see him for himself. He’d waited
until Andy was asleep again before creeping out of the house.
As he rode the streets on his bike in the early morning light, Ephram hummed
the Liszt and pedaled determinedly.
The hospital was quiet at this time of the morning, patients were just waking
up and visiting hours hadn’t yet begun. He hadn’t figured out how he was going
to find Colin’s room. He just hoped the Harts weren’t there when he did.
Ephram turned a corner and ground to a halt. Bright stood by a bank of vending
machines. As a can of Coke tumbled into the bottom of the machine, Bright
glanced towards him and did a double take.
“Ephram?” Bright looked around nervously. “What are you doing here?” he
whispered.
“I just wanted to see if he was okay.” Ephram took a few steps and stood beside
Bright.
“Didn’t your old man tell you when he got home?”
“Um, yeah. But…I just…I just wanted to make sure.” Ephram flushed.
Bright exhaled loudly and shook his head. “He hasn’t been the same since that
thing at Gino Chang’s. Before that…you guys were like…seeing each other,
weren’t you?” Ephram nodded and Bright went on. “He tries to hide it with Amy
and his parents but I could tell.” Bright took a deep breath and the words
tumbled out in a rush. “He really misses you, man.”
Ephram just stared, unable to think of a response.
Bright was on a roll. “Look, Colin’s my best friend and I don’t care if he
is…you know…like that. I just want him to be happy. I want to not have to worry
about him all the time. Because he’s totally fucked up.”
Ephram said, “believe me, I know.” Bright regarded him closely and Ephram
shuffled his feet and looked around apprehensively.
“You really…love him, don’t you?”
Ephram looked at Bright with surprise, his eyes wide. He swallowed and licked
his lips, trying to formulate an answer.
Bright smiled ruefully. “You must, after what he’s done to you. Look, I don’t
care if you guys are homos, alright? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately
and it’s really shitty how everyone’s been treating you. As much as I tried to
deny it, Colin’s no different and I hate the thought of everyone acting like
that to him. It sucks.”
Ephram didn’t know what to think. “Um, yeah, it really does suck.”
“Like who cares, right? People shouldn’t have to, like, not be themselves. It
just screws them up.” Bright looked around and took another deep breath, as if
he’d made a decision. “Come on, I’ll distract everyone and you can sneak into
his room.”
Ephram was pleasantly shocked. “Really? You’d do that?”
Bright shoved Ephram’s shoulder lightly and grinned crookedly. “Let’s go,
before I change my mind.” He led the way down the hall and Ephram trailed after
him. At the next hall, to their left they saw the Harts with Amy and the rest
of the Abbotts, including Edna and Irv. It looked as if they were speaking with
a doctor.
“Okay, I’ll try and keep them busy. It’s that room right there.” Bright pointed
to a door on the corridor that ran off to their right. Ephram walked quickly to
it and darted inside, shutting the door behind him.
Colin lay dozing on the bed, his hands wrapped in bandages. His left forearm
also wore a large dressing. Ephram took off his cap and walked to the side of
the bed. He reached down and, before he could stop himself, gently touched the
fingers of Colin’s left hand where they poked out from the gauze.
Colin’s eyes opened and Ephram jerked his hand away. He sat in the visitor’s
chair. “So…how are you?”
Colin didn’t answer the question, just looked at Ephram. Finally, he asked,
“why are you here?”
“Why do you think? Because you almost got yourself killed in your quest to
drink yourself senseless.” Ephram winced as he realized that he sounded like
his father.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re the one who got chased down by Cujo.”
Colin looked at him intensely. “No, I mean I’m sorry about what happened. About
everything. I know you have no reason to believe me, and I don’t expect you to.
But I’m sorry.”
Ephram sighed and crossed his arms. “So what? I’ve heard it before. Now I’m
just supposed to forgive you?”
“No.”
“So then, what? Why am I supposed to care that you’re sorry?”
“You’re not.” Colin looked down at his hands. “Last night, when that dog was on
top of me, snarling and biting…I thought I was going to die. And the only thing
I could think of was that you weren’t going to know how much I loved you.”
Ephram shook his head. “No, I don’t believe you. If you loved me, you wouldn’t
be ashamed of me.”
“I’m not ashamed of you, Ephram. I’m ashamed of myself. I thought that I was
letting him down, letting everyone down. But when I felt those teeth tearing
into my flesh it was like…what do you call it? Like, a realization?”
Ephram rolled his eyes slightly. “An epiphany.”
“Yeah, that. I’ve never felt pain like that before, but it was like…it was me
that dog was biting. You know? Not him. He’s gone and it’s only me now. This is
me. And I’m not going to hide anymore.”
Ephram shook his head slightly and said nothing.
“They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die, right?” When
Ephram didn’t respond, Colin kept talking. “Well, it was you. You’re it,
Ephram. And I know you’ll never forgive me and that’s okay.”
Ephram battled his emotions and stopped himself from reaching out. He took a
few breaths and when he spoke, his voice was hard. “You’re right, it’s too
late. I met another guy. He’s totally hot.”
Pain moved over Colin’s face like a wave and he looked at the ceiling.
“That’s…good. For you. Good.”
“Yeah, he’s not a big closet case. And he certainly knows how to fuck, let me
tell you.”
Colin’s eyes shot to his. “You…you let him….?” Colin’s voice cracked and he
looked up again. He swallowed thickly. “I want you to be happy, Ephram. You
deserve someone better than me.”
“Oh, would you stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself?” Ephram leapt out of
his chair and starting pacing. “If you love me, then do something about it!”
“But you said it was too late.” Ephram could hear the confusion in Colin’s
voice.
“Well, maybe it’s not! I…I don’t know. I do deserve someone better, so be that
fucking person!”
Suddenly the door opened and a nurse bustled in. “What’s going on in here,
what’s all the shouting about?” She looked from Ephram to Colin with concern.
“Who are you? Do Colin’s parents know you’re in here? Come with me.”
The nurse ushered Ephram out. In the hallway, he tried to evade her, but she
caught his arm in a surprisingly firm grip. “Hold on there, young man.” She
pulled him towards the waiting room. “Excuse me, Dr. O’Brien, but is Colin
allowed to have visitors other than his parents?”
All eyes turned to Ephram.
“You. What the HELL are you doing here?” Mr. Hart rose to his feet angrily. He
looked at the nurse. “Was he in Colin’s room?” He looked back at Ephram. “I
swear to god, if you did anything to my son…”
“I just talked to him.” Ephram’s voice sounded very small.
Edna and Irv approached Ephram. “Now, I’m sure everything’s fine, we’ll just
take Ephram on home now,” Irv said as he tried to steer him away.
“How many times do we have to tell you to stay away from our son?” Mrs. Hart’s
voice was sharp. “You’re the one doing all the damage, confusing him and
causing him to act…like this.”
“I didn’t do anything. It’s you. All of you.” Ephram spoke quietly, but his
words silenced the room.
“Excuse me?” Mr. Hart’s voice was thick with fury. The room was silent and the
air crackled with tension.
“He’s right,” Bright said. All eyes turned to him.
“Bright, I don’t think you know what you’re saying…” Dr. Abbott put a hand on
Bright’s shoulder and Bright shrugged it off.
“Yes, I do. Colin’s my best friend and he’s miserable. I’m not just going to
stand around doing nothing anymore. Look at what’s happened! He’s falling apart
and it’s not Ephram’s fault, okay?” He turned to Colin’s parents. “Don’t you
see? Colin’s not who you think he is.” Bright briefly waved his hands around in
frustration, before they fell to his sides. “He never was.”
“Bright, stop it.” Amy’s voice was tight, verging on hysteria.
“I’m sorry, Amy. But Ephram never did anything that Colin didn’t want, he’s not
some psycho pervert.” He took a deep breath. “I knew Colin was gay before the
accident.”
There were a few seconds of silence before the waiting room exploded into a
kaleidoscope of sound and fury.
***** Declaration *****
“So. That went well.”
Ephram opened his eyes and lifted his head from the wall he was leaning
against. He blinked into the sun and tried to focus on Bright, whose eye he
could see was beginning to swell.
Ephram snorted. “Yeah, you think you can come to New York with me and out me to
my grandparents? I could use the help.” Bright laughed nervously and they
smiled tentatively at each other.
They really didn’t know what else to do.
------------------------------------------
The cacophony of voices had made Ephram want to run and hide. He wished
suddenly that his father was there, that he hadn’t snuck out of the house, that
he had never even met Colin Hart.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Mr. Hart’s boomed out over the din.
“My son is not a…a…my son is decent and God-fearing and normal!” He spit the
words out, his face growing more red by the second.
“Bright, why would you say this? You know that’s not true!” Amy’s eyes were
wide and she looked from her brother to her parents in desperation.
“Colin isn’t gay! Why on earth would you say something so terrible?” Mrs.
Hart’s shrill voice danced up Ephram’s spine.
“Alright, everyone calm down.” Dr. Abbott raised his hands and spoke with
authority. “This is a hospital. Everyone needs to take a breath and relax.”
“Relax?” Amy looked at her father, stunned. “Dad, how are we supposed to relax?
Didn’t you hear what Bright said about Colin?” Her eyes glistened.
“Yes, honey, I heard.” He looked at his daughter with compassion. “And I know
that your brother wouldn’t make something like that up.” Amy’s mouth gaped, but
Harold continued. “And I think we both know that, despite what people in this
town have been saying, Ephram’s a good boy, and he wouldn’t force Colin into
anything. I’m sorry, sweetheart, but you know it’s the truth.”
Amy paled and tears escaped her eyes. She shook her head and her lips moved
dumbly.
“Don’t be ridiculous!” Mrs. Hart looked at her husband and clutched his arm.
“It isn’t true!”
“Of course it’s not true!” Mr. Hart breathed heavily and looked around the room
angrily. “What’s happened to all of you? You actually think my son is some
queer?”
No one said anything and their silence lay heavily over the room. Amy cried
softly, her arms wrapped around herself.
“Jim, I know this must be hard for you…” Dr. Abbott spoke in a soothing tone.
“Hard? It’s not true! He’s…he’s my son. Don’t you understand? He can’t be gay.
It’s ridiculous!” He turned to Ephram. “So, you’ve managed to brainwash Bright,
too, is that it? You’re the one causing all the problems. You never should have
come here.”
“If Ephram and his father hadn’t come to Everwood, Colin would still be in a
coma,” Bright said. “Or he’d be dead.”
The Harts shook their heads and sputtered, apparently unable to come up with
any argument to that point.
“I know you don’t want to believe it, but Colin’s gay, okay?” Bright moved
closer to them, imploringly. “Look, I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true.
I denied it for too long and so has Colin. He like, hung Ephram out to dry
because he’s afraid of what you’ll think. He put on a good act before, but
can’t you see through it now? He’s totally screwed up. He’s sneaking into
people’s houses to steal booze, I mean, that’s…crazy.”
“What? Don’t be ridiculous!” Mr. Hart’s anger was building. “He was confused!
He wasn’t stealing anything!”
“Yes, he was, and he knew what he was doing.” Ephram finally spoke. Everyone
turned to him, and Irv put a hand on his shoulder as if to silence him. Ephram
shook him off and walked closer to Mr. Hart, stopping in front of him. “He’s
been drinking a lot lately. He told me he gets it from people’s houses, no one
locks their doors around here. He must have thought they were out. Or maybe he
didn’t, maybe…I don’t know, he wanted to get caught.”
“This is insane. We’re supposed to believe anything you say?” Mrs. Hart was
incredulous.
“You can believe whatever you want, but you’re just hurting him more. Can’t you
just accept it? Who cares if he’s gay?” Ephram’s heart pounded in his chest as
he faced down Colin’s parents.
Mr. Hart’s fist seemed to explode out of nowhere, but before it could make
contact with Ephram’s face, Bright’s strong hands were shoving him away.
Bright’s head snapped back with the impact.
“My son is not a faggot!”
Everyone just looked between Mr. Hart and Bright in shocked silence. Harold and
Rose rushed to Bright’s side, but he waved them off.
“Yes, I am.”
At first Ephram thought he’d imagined Colin’s flat, tired voice. But when
everyone pivoted to the entrance of the waiting room, he was there, leaning
against the wall for support.
After what seemed to Ephram like an eternity, Colin spoke. “Mom, Dad…Amy…I’m
sorry. But it’s true.” He swallowed thickly. “I’m gay.” He seemed spent, and
wavered on his feet slightly.
Ephram could hardly believe it. Colin had actually done it, he’d told the
truth.
“You should be in bed.” The nurse who had found Ephram in Colin’s room stepped
forward from where she had been hovering in the corner of the room, too
transfixed by the drama unfolding to go back to her duties. Now she leapt into
action, moving quickly to Colin’s side.
Colin pulled away from her. “Don’t blame Ephram, okay? This is just the way I
am.” The nurse again tried to move Colin away.
“But…you’re…my son. I don’t…understand…” Mr. Hart was suddenly deflated and
confused, all his anger gone. His wife stood beside him, her mouth slack, hands
flopped to her sides. They both looked grief stricken, and Ephram turned away,
unable to look at them any longer.
Colin said nothing, allowing the nurse to lead him away down the hall. Ephram
watched him go and then he was moving too, away from everyone, into the
sunshine.
------------------------------------------
 
“How’s Amy?” They sat on the ground in the hospital parking lot, slumped
against the wall where Bright had found Ephram.
“Dude, how do you think she is?” Bright looked at him askance.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Ephram sighed. “Uh, how’s your face?”
“It hurts, but I’ll live. My Dad’s probably looking all over for me, he treats
me like such a baby sometimes.”
“Yeah. I suspect my father will be riding in on his white horse any minute.”
Bright smiled contritely. “I guess we shouldn’t complain, though, huh?”
“No, I guess not.” They sat in silence for a few minutes before Ephram spoke
again. “So, um, Bright?”
“Yeah?” Bright’s eyes were closed and his fingers danced over the left side of
his face lightly.
“Why’d you do it?”
“What?”
“Take that punch for me.”
Bright opened his eyes and looked at Ephram. “I don’t know. You’re like…smaller
than me. Smaller than Mr. Hart. I didn’t really think about it. It’s no big
deal.”
“Well, thanks. Your…uh, instincts are pretty cool.”
Bright shifted uncomfortably. “I guess. Um, thanks.”
“So, why’d you do the other thing you did?”
“What?”
Ephram sighed impatiently. “Out Colin, you dumbass.”
“What? I didn’t do that! I just…I just…” Bright searched for the right words.
“Outted him.”
“I was just trying to help. I didn’t mean…was that the wrong thing to do?”
Panic flickered across his face.
“No, I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. You did help, I think. You
definitely helped me. Don’t feel bad, okay?”
“Do you think Colin will be mad at me? I should have let him tell them himself.
Fuck…”
“He did tell them himself, Bright. It’s okay. You did help.” Ephram patted him
on the arm, awkwardly. “Sometimes people just need a push, you know?”
“Bright? I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Dr. Abbott marched towards
them. “Let me see your face!” Ephram and Bright rose to their feet and Dr.
Abbott gently took hold of Bright’s chin and tilted his face to the side.
“Dad, I’m fine. Don’t spaz out.”
Harold fixed him with a withering glare. “I am doing no such thing.” He
examined Bright’s eye carefully. “We need to put some ice on this, come on.”
“Um, Dr. Abbott?”
Harold turned, as if noticing Ephram there for the first time. “Yes?”
“Thanks. For what you said in there. You know, about me.”
Harold looked for a moment that he would say something sarcastic, but his face
softened. “You’re welcome. Your father should be here any minute to pick you
up.”
“Thanks.” Ephram didn’t know what else to say and cleared his throat nervously.
Bright gave him a wave and disappeared back into the hospital with his father.
After Andy arrived, his face pinched with worry, Ephram insisted on going home.
In the car, he told his father what had happened and Andy had almost done a u-
turn after he heard what Mr. Hart had done.
But Ephram had reached out and steadied the steering wheel. He just wanted to
go home.
------------------------------------------
 
“Ephram, phone!” Ephram woke with a start. He’d fallen asleep on his bed,
surrounded by Manga. He seemed to be taking a lot of naps lately.
“Okay, I’ve got it!” He shouted back down to Delia and picked up the extension.
“Hello?” There was no response. “Hello?” Ephram sighed heavily. “You guys
really need to learn a few new tricks, you know that? Crank calling is so last
century.” He moved to hang up the phone when he heard a tiny voice on the other
end.
“Ephram?”
Ephram paused and then put the phone up to his ear. “Yeah.”
“Um…hey.”
“Hey.” There was only silence in response. “Is that what you called to say,
Colin?”
“No…I just…sorry.”
“So, what do you want?”
“I just wanted to know how you were.”
Ephram sighed. “I’m great. Never been better. You?”
“I don’t know. Things are like, weird here. I came home from the hospital a
couple of days ago and my parents won’t let me out of their sight. I can’t even
go to the last few days of school. I wanted to come and see you, but…”
“That’s probably not a good idea, anyway.”
“Oh.”
“Look, I just can’t forget about how much you hurt me, Colin.”
“I know. I don’t expect you to.”
“Well…good.” Ephram curled the phone cord around his finger. “So…how are they
taking it?”
“Not so well. They think I’m just all confused from the accident. I tried to
explain, but…it’s hard. Bright tried to come over, but they wouldn’t even let
him in the house.”
“That sucks. He’s…he’s a good guy. You aren’t mad at him or anything, are you?”
“Nah. I was going to tell them and he just made it easier, in a weird way.”
“Yeah.”
It seemed neither of them knew what else to say, and Ephram chewed his lip.
Finally, Colin spoke again. “I really did mean what I said in the hospital. I
just wanted to make sure you knew that.”
Ephram closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. “I don’t know if that’s enough. I
just...I don’t know.”
“Is this about that other guy?” Colin exhaled the words in a rush.
Ephram’s eyes popped open. “No! It’s not about him, okay? It’s not like I’m
even…this is about you, Colin.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…look, Ephram, I know that I hurt you and that I was a
total asshole. But I’m just…I’m just finding out who I am and maybe you could
eventually…I don’t know. Like me again.”
“Yeah. Maybe. Look, I’ve got to go. Bye.” He hung up quickly. Ephram swallowed
the lump in this throat and lay back down on his bed. He didn’t know what to
think. Colin had finally come clean with his parents, but Ephram had let him
get away with so much before, he’d always given in. Look where that had gotten
him.
Funny how he could not like Colin after everything he’d done, but could love
him so much.
------------------------------------------
 
“So, tell me again why we have to go to this stupid thing? I’m not even
graduating.” Ephram sulked as his father drove them towards the high school.
“Because the whole town will be there and we’re part of the community,” Delia
said from the back seat.
Ephram rolled his eyes. “Yeah, thanks for your input, Delia. You listen to Dad
too much.”
“I do?”
“There’s no such thing as listening to me too much, sweetie.” Andy smiled at
Delia in the rearview mirror and she smiled back. Ephram sighed dramatically.
“Come on, Ephram, we discussed this. You’re not going to New York for the
summer, so you’re going to have to get used to facing the people of Everwood.
The end-of-the-year assembly and graduation is a tradition in this town.”
“Maybe I should go to New York after all.” Ephram was still sulking.
“You know you can, it’s your decision,” Andy said.
Ephram knew he was giving his father a hard time and it wasn’t really fair,
since it had been his own choice not to visit his grandparents. They still
didn’t know he was gay and part of him never wanted to tell them.
As they pulled into the parking lot Ephram noted that it was almost filled to
capacity. Great, the whole town was there to whisper about him and point and
laugh. He knew his father was right, and that he couldn’t let them win, but he
was still counting the minutes until he could go home and hide in his room
again.
Inside the auditorium were many banners congratulating the graduates and
trumpeting the success of various school teams, especially the basketball team,
although they hadn’t done nearly as well the past season without Colin.
Ephram, Andy and Delia sat near the back and Andy smiled and boomed “hello!” at
anyone who stared at them. Ephram couldn’t help but snicker. The Abbotts walked
past on their way down the aisle and Bright nodded at Ephram. Amy said
something to Bright that he dismissed with a shrug. She huffed a sigh and
turned on her heel, back into the hallway.
“I’ll be right back,” Ephram said to his father and he followed Amy into the
hall. He saw a glimpse of her rounding the corner at the end of the corridor,
and he sped up his pace. He eventually found her outside the music room,
staring up at the ceiling.
“Hey.” Ephram’s voice was little more than a croak.
Amy didn’t look at him, but kept her eyes trained upwards. “What do you want,
Ephram?”
“I just wanted to see how you were.”
She snorted and looked at him in disbelief. “How do you think I am? My
boyfriend cheated on me with another guy.” Her words dripped with venom. “And
now he says he’s gay, which really makes me question everything I ever thought
was true.”
“I know this must be hard for you – ”
“Hard? You don’t have a clue, Ephram. Just leave me alone.” Amy crossed her
arms and looked away.
Anger boiled up inside Ephram. “What, you think this has been easy for me? Is
that what you think, Amy? Well, newsflash, this sucks for all of us. You think
I wanted to hurt you? I didn’t, and Colin didn’t either. Sometimes things just
happen.”
“It didn’t just happen, Ephram. You let it happen, you made it happen.” Amy’s
eyes flashed and her tone was steely.
“No, Colin and I made it happen. He came on to me first, Amy. He’s not an
innocent bystander.”
She shook her head and swallowed thickly. “But–“
“No, Amy. Look, I know it sucks for you and I really am sorry, whether you
believe me or not. But Colin’s gay. It if hadn’t have been me, it would have
been another guy eventually. He thought he could keep on pretending, but he
couldn’t.”
Amy looked down, hiding behind her veil of hair. Ephram shuffled his feet and
wondered whether he should just walk away.
“I thought he loved me.” Amy’s voice was choked with emotion and when she
raised her head, Ephram saw the tears streaking her cheeks. “But he never
really did, even back then, it was all a lie.” She sucked in a gulp of air.
“And I loved him so much.”
Ephram didn’t think, just took a step and gathered Amy in his arms, stroking
her hair while she wept. She resisted at first, but soon she clung to him
tightly. After a few minutes, she pulled away and sniffed loudly.
“Amy…”
“I’m sorry, Ephram,” Amy said, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.
Ephram tried to smile. “Hey, you can cry on me anytime.”
“I mean I’m sorry about how horribly I treated you after…after what I saw in
the shed. I knew…I mean, I think I knew, deep down. But I didn’t want to
believe it. Blaming you seemed like the easiest thing to do, and everyone else
was, so…”
“Oh. Forget about it, it doesn’t matter anymore. And Amy, he did love you.”
“Don’t say that.” Amy stepped back from him, her spine stiffened.
“It’s true. He’s just really confused. It’s hard when you have these feelings
that you don’t understand and that practically no one else understands either.
But I know that he never wanted to hurt you and that he did love you.” Ephram
wasn’t sure if it were true, but he figured Amy needed to hear it.
They heard the dull roar of applause in the distance.
“I guess it’s starting, we should get back.” Amy spoke formally, as if she
hadn’t been sobbing in Ephram’s arms just a few minutes before.
“Yeah,” Ephram said.
They walked back to the auditorium silently. At the door, Amy paused.
“So…later.”
“Yeah.”
Amy walked inside and joined her family. His father leaned over and whispered,
“how did that go?” when Ephram took his seat. Ephram shrugged. He really didn’t
know. There had been a few moments where they seemed to have come to an
understanding, but he wasn’t sure.
The ceremony began with a few ponderous speeches and award presentations and
Ephram began to tune out. After what seemed like an eternity, the principal
returned to the microphone.
“Well, it’s just about time to bring up our graduates. But before we do, we
have one last award to give out. It’s a special award, this year, for courage.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the recipient of this award is Colin
Hart.”
Thunderous applause filled the room and many people stood. Ephram realized that
word had not spread of Colin’s declaration at the hospital. The only other
witness outside the Harts and the Abbotts and Irv had been the nurse, and she
must have kept it to herself.
There was some kind of small commotion going on near the stage and Ephram
realized with a sinking feeling that Colin was reluctantly being pushed and
prodded into the spotlight. Ephram hadn’t even know Colin was in attendance, he
figured his parents were still keeping him under lock and key.
The clapping finally died down and people took their seats. Colin stood
awkwardly, his eyes darting around the auditorium. His hands were still
bandaged, but the sleeves of his long t-shirt hid most of it. He cradled the
small trophy the principal had given him in the crook of his left arm.
“Um…thanks. I really didn’t expect this. I…it’s been a weird year. But I have a
few things to say, so I’m glad to have the chance with you all here.”
Ephram’s heart pounded in his chest as Colin cleared his throat. A hush fell
over the room and all eyes were on Colin.
Colin’s voice rang out over the crowd. “The thing is, I don’t really deserve
this award. Ephram Brown does.”
***** Right *****
Ephram sat frozen, his eyes wide with shock. His father’s firm hand was now
resting on his forearm, as if Andy thought he might take off running. Instead,
Ephram hunched down in his seat and tried to ignore all the eyes that had
swiveled towards him.
In the wake of Colin’s statement, breathless silence filled the room. Everyone
who hadn’t turned to look at Ephram was riveted to Colin, waiting for him to
continue. On stage, he cleared his throat.
“See, the thing is…” Colin’s voice was unsteady and he stopped to take a deep
breath. “The thing is, that I’m a coward.”
Ephram noticed some movement from the corner of his eye, and saw Mr. Hart
motioning for Colin to come down from the stage. Ephram looked for Amy in the
crowd, but he could only see the back of her head. Her father’s hand lay on her
shoulder.
Colin ignored his father and continued, his voice gaining strength. “This is
really hard to talk about, but I owe you all the truth. I owe it to myself.
When I came back, it wasn’t easy. I had to learn how everything works and how
to do things again. And I had to learn who I was. But, who I am…I don’t think
it’s the person you remember.”
A murmur went through the crowd. Ephram’s heart pounded. The principal
approached Colin, whispering and trying to usher him off-stage. Colin shook him
off. Mr. Hart mounted the steps, but Colin put out his free hand.
“No, Dad. Please just sit down, I have to do this.” Mr. Hart tried to protest,
looking to his wife for support, but she remained in her seat. Mr. Hart
returned to his chair and slumped into it. Colin licked his lips and went on.
“I’m ashamed to say that I had the strength to practically come back from the
dead, to come out of rehab, to come back to school, but I didn’t have the
strength to be honest. Ephram Brown did.”
Andy’s arm moved around Ephram’s shoulders, and Ephram was thankful for the
support. But part of him wanted to leap up and run, as far and as fast as he
could.
“I know most of you have probably heard about how something happened with me
and Ephram. How he did something bad to me. Well, that isn’t true. Ephram never
did anything but –” Colin looked down, blinking. He raised his head, his eyes
shimmering. “But be a friend. More than a friend.”
A buzz moved through the auditorium, like the sound of a wave hitting the shore
and then retreating.
“But when people found out, I didn’t have the courage to admit it. I let
everyone think that he was a horrible person, and it’s not true. He’s like,
this amazing person, and I hope everyone in this town will realize that. He
would never, ever hurt anyone.”
Ephram took a ragged breath and swallowed the lump in his throat. He could feel
the heat of stares on his face.
“And I hope everyone is this town, who have loved me, who have been so
wonderful and supportive of me…I hope you still love me now that you know I’m
gay.” Ephram could hear audible gasps in the audience and there was a flurry of
sound.
Colin struggled to control the emotion in his voice. “Because I still love all
of you, and I’ll always be grateful to you for what you’ve done for me. I’ve
been so afraid of disappointing you, of not being who you want me to be.
“But I can’t hide anymore. This is it. This is me. I just hope that I can start
earning this award. Ephram already did, for not being afraid of who he is, for
looking you all in the face and not hiding, like I did.”
Ephram felt like laughing. Maybe crying. If only Colin knew how much he felt
like hiding now.
“So…thank you for this. Thank you to my parents and to Amy Abbott and to Ephram
Brown. I’m sorry…and I’m…well…I’m Colin Hart. Thanks for listening.” He turned
and walked backstage, past the principal, who watched in stunned silence.
The room erupted and Ephram bolted from his seat, his father’s fingers grasping
for him. He didn’t know where he was going, as long as it was away. He ran down
the hall and rounded the corner before skidding to a stop. Colin stood a few
feet away, the side stage door slipping shut behind him. He still held the
award.
Ephram felt a sudden surge of anger. “So, are you happy now, making a spectacle
of me in there?”
Colin blinked, but kept his gaze steady. “No, Ephram, I’m not…happy. But I did
what I thought was right. What I had to do.”
“Well, you think I like having everyone stare at me, have you talk about me in
front of the whole town?” Ephram knew he was being irrational, unfair, but he
couldn’t stop himself. “Everyone probably thinks I put you up to it! They’re
just going to blame me for this, too!”
Colin shook his head. “No, I won’t let them. Look, I know I hurt you, Ephram.
But I had to try to make it right. I didn’t know how else to do it.” Colin
shrugged, defeated. “I don’t know what you want from me and maybe I screwed up
so bad that things will never be right again with us.” He looked down, his
voice thickening. “But I hope one day we can be friends again.”
Ephram barked out a laugh. All the resentment that had built up was hurtling
towards the surface. “Friends? All you ever did was screw me over. What, I’m
just supposed to forget it because you made some stupid speech? Because you
finally had the balls to come out to everyone? No. It’s too late.” Ephram
headed towards the door.
“Ephram, wait! I want you to have this. It’s yours.”
Ephram turned. Colin stood holding the trophy out. “You want me to have it,
Colin? Fine, give it to me!” Ephram stomped up and snatched the award from him.
He threw it against the wall, where it crashed into the lockers.
With that, he stormed out of the school into the cool night, his face burning
and adrenaline surging through his veins.
----------------------------------------
 
The next morning, Ephram dragged himself into the kitchen, heading straight for
the fridge. He hadn’t slept well, to say the least. Suddenly his father
appeared from the living room.
Ephram sighed heavily. “What?”
“I didn’t say anything.” Andy leaned against the counter, his arms folded.
“But you’re going to, so just go ahead and get it over with.” Ephram chugged
some juice from the container. Andy took a glass from the cupboard and put it
on the counter beside Ephram.
“I don’t want anymore.” Ephram stubbornly put the juice in the fridge, closed
the door, and slid the empty glass back towards his father.
Andy looked at him sympathetically. “Ephram, I know last night was hard for you
–”
“Whatever. Look, it’s over, I just want to forget about it.”
“But why? Ephram, Colin did a very brave thing last night; he tried to make
things right.”
“Oh, so I’m just supposed to forgive him for everything? Because he embarrassed
me in front of everyone?” Ephram was incredulous.
“Ephram, everyone thought you were some kind of sexual predator who took
advantage of a vulnerable boy. Would you rather didn’t set the story straight?”
“I guess not,” Ephram muttered.
“Ephram, no one’s perfect, including you, mister. People make mistakes, I
certainly have. I screwed up with you when you were a kid, and it took your
mother dying for me to figure that out. But I’m trying to make it right.
Colin’s trying too.”
“It’s different with you. This is…” Ephram grappled for the right words. “I
admitted that I was gay, Colin should have too. It’s not like it was easy for
me, but I did it. He let all that other awful stuff happen first before he was
honest.”
“Ephram, not everyone can come out on the same schedule.” Andy put his hand up
at the sight of Ephram’s indignant face. “Wait, let me finish. Everyone’s
different, and there are a lot of factors that can affect the coming-out
process –” Ephram rolled his eyes. “And his parents are certainly not what I
would call open-minded.”
“So, you think it was easy for me because you’re not a homophobe?” Ephram
crossed his arms.
“No. It was by no means easy for you to tell me you’re gay, I know that. And I
can’t tell you how proud I am of you. How strong and brave I think you are.”
Ephram looked away. He was acting so childish and petulant. His father’s praise
brought a flush to his cheeks.
Andy went on. “But Colin has had an awful lot to deal with. I don’t think any
of us can ever really understand what it was like for him to wake up in that
hospital bed and try to rebuild his life. A life he doesn’t remember. That kid
has been through something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I’m not
excusing his actions, but I think he deserves a second chance.”
Ephram didn’t say anything for a few moments. Finally he spoke, his voice
quiet. “I’m scared, Dad. I’m scared that if I trust him again, he’ll make me
regret it.”
“So it’s easier to push him away and hate him, rather than risk your feelings
again.”
“Yeah. I guess so. If I’m mad, I don’t have to think about all the other
stuff.”
“Well, you’re right, there’s far less risk if you just cut ties with Colin now.
And I’m sure that he’ll eventually accept it, and move on. He’ll find someone
else in time. So will you.”
Ephram didn’t know what to say. The thought of Colin with someone else made his
stomach churn. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes in exhaustion.
“But Ephram, if there’s one thing that’s hard to live with, it’s regret.
Believe me, kiddo, I know.” Ephram looked at his father and in that moment he
thought he’d never seen him look so old, or tired. Andy continued, “I think you
owe it to yourself, and to Colin, to at least try and talk it out. Be friends.
Don’t hold onto anger, it’s not worth it.”
Ephram nodded and went back upstairs, unwilling to discuss it any longer. He
curled up on his bed and tried in vain to go back to sleep.
-----------------------------------------------
 
The tiny room was pitch black, and Ephram felt as if he were in a dream. The
halls of the school had been empty; lockers standing open, their contents
vanished for the summer. Beyond the door, he could hear someone moving around.
He took a shuddering breath and twisted the door handle.
Colin stood, bathed in red light, tongs in his hand as he prepared to pluck a
print from the developing tray. He looked up at the sound of the door opening,
but said nothing.
Ephram cleared his throat. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Colin looked down and grasped the picture, lifting it and dropping it
into the next tray of fluid.
Ephram closed the door behind him. “I had a feeling you might be here, Bright
said you weren’t at home. So, they’re still letting you in here in the summer?”
“Yeah, I have the key.” He smiled ruefully. “But I think they might ask for it
back after last night. I figured I should get some stuff done while I still
can.”
Ephram just nodded and watched him work. Colin didn’t seem to be overtly angry,
but a coldness surrounded him, in contrast to the warm glow of the darkroom.
“Look, Colin…I’m sorry about last night. I acted like a total jerk.”
Colin put down the tongs and turned away from the developing trays. “It doesn’t
matter, I deserved it. I can accept it, okay? We can’t go back.”
“No, we can’t. But –”
“So, I’ll see you around, Ephram. I hope things work out for you and that other
guy.” Colin’s manner was businesslike.
“What? Colin, that was nothing, there’s no other guy. Look, we can’t go back,
but we can go forward.”
Colin looked at him, brow creased. “We can?”
“If you want to.”
Colin said nothing, but Ephram could see his armour starting to slip. He seemed
to be waiting for Ephram to say something else.
Ephram moved towards him. “I didn’t know what to think, it was all just too
much. I freaked out.” He reached out tentatively and took Colin’s hand. “That
was really brave what you did last night. You do deserve that award. You’re
just like the tortoise in that race, you know?”
“Um, no, not really,” Colin said with a quizzical smile.
“Oh, it’s this like, fable or allegory or whatever. A tortoise and a hare race
each other and the slow tortoise ends up winning. I just meant…you took your
time, but you got there in the end.” Ephram smiled as he finished his rambling
explanation.
“Oh. Um, cool.” Colin held Ephram’s hand tightly and looked at him intently.
“So, you forgive me? I know I screwed everything up and I’m sorry. But I
promise things will be different now.”
Ephram looked into Colin’s eyes, so open and hopeful. He realized that he
really did believe Colin this time. He smiled. “Yeah, I forgive you. That’s all
over now. Clean slate.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Ephram’s reassuring smile melted into a frown. “Except there’s one
condition.”
“What? Anything.”
“You have to stop drinking and you have to talk to someone about it. I’m not
going to enable you or be co-dependent or end up on Dr. Phil or whatever.”
Colin chuckled. “I hate that guy.” His smiled faded. “I’ve already talked to my
parents about seeing a shrink. I know that things were pretty messed up and I
don’t want to be like that anymore. Honestly.”
“Okay.”
Colin nodded. “So…” He trailed off. They continued looking at each other, both
seemingly unsure of what to do next. Ephram felt suddenly shy. Finally, Colin
tugged his hand and Ephram moved close to him.
They wrapped their arms around each other.
“I missed you,” Ephram whispered in Colin’s ear. He kissed Colin’s neck and
held him close. He could hardly believe it was happening, after everything that
had happened. He breathed in Colin’s scent and held him tightly.
“I missed you, too.” Colin pulled back a little and kissed Ephram gently. Then
his lips traveled over Ephram’s face as he pressed kisses on his cheeks and
forehead. Their lips met again and Ephram’s whole body tingled.
They kissed deeply and their hands roved over each other’s bodies. Shirts were
pulled up over their heads and they worked on the buttons and zippers on their
pants. Soon their clothes were discarded haphazardly and they sank to the
floor.
The tiles were cold under his back, but Ephram didn’t care. He pulled Colin
close to him and rubbed their bodies together, still kissing him passionately.
They were both hard and Colin pressed his cock against Ephram’s, the friction
making them both moan with pleasure.
Ephram broke their kiss and rolled Colin onto his back. He kissed Colin’s chest
and rolled his nipples between his fingers. He savoured the taste of Colin’s
skin on his tongue, the feel of it under his hands. He moved his head down to
Colin’s cock and took it in his mouth, without hesitating.
Nothing had ever felt more right.
Colin gasped. “Oh, god, Ephram…” He bucked up into Ephram’s mouth and Ephram
licked and sucked him until Colin was coming with a shout. Ephram coughed a bit
and swallowed as Colin lay panting.
Ephram licked his lips and smiled. He lazily stroked himself, but soon Colin
pushed his hand away and slid down to Ephram’s cock, swirling his tongue around
the head. Ephram gasped and all rational thought fled as he watched Colin suck
him with his hot, wet mouth.
Colin rolled Ephram’s balls in his palm and Ephram came suddenly, shooting into
Colin’s mouth. Ephram lay back on the floor and fought to catch his breath.
Colin leaned over him and smiled down. He kissed him languorously, and Ephram
relished the taste of both Colin and himself mixed together on their tongues.
They lay together on the floor, grinning stupidly. After a minute, Ephram
asked, “So, you think we’re going to get beat up a lot when school starts
again?”
Colin snuggled closer and traced invisible patterns on Ephram’s stomach. “Nah,
Bright’ll be our bodyguard.”
Ephram laughed. “Just Bright? We’ll have to think of some way to pay him, he’ll
have his hands full with all the assholes in this school.”
“Well, you give a pretty amazing blow job.”
Ephram flushed. “Um, thanks.”
Colin still traced his fingertips across Ephram’s chest and stomach. “Did that
guy show you how or something?” Ephram tensed and Colin’s fingers ceased their
movement.
“Colin, it was just a one-time thing. I don’t even know his last name, he lives
in another state.”
“I wasn’t…I just wondered. I’m not mad.”
Ephram relaxed. “Okay.”
“Can I ask you one more thing?”
“Uh huh.”
“Did you…did you let him…like…you know…go all the way?”
Ephram thought guiltily of how Mark had invited him upstairs, how he probably
would have gone if his father hadn’t interrupted. “No. We just fooled around.
And I still thought about you.” That was true enough, he had thought of Colin
while Mark was sucking him off.
“Really?”
“Really.” Ephram met Colin’s eyes and they both smiled. It didn’t matter what
was in the past – Colin was the only one he wanted.
Colin’s hand began wandering again. “So, what are you doing this summer? Are
you going to New York?”
“Uh uh. I don’t really want to deal with my grandparents yet. I thought I’d
hang around Everwood. You know: play the piano, do some reading. Suck your dick
every chance I get.”
Colin laughed. “Sounds like a good plan to me!” He kissed Ephram soundly.
“What about you?”
“You’re looking at it.”
“Getting naked and sucking my dick? Sounds good.” Ephram laughed and Colin
swatted his butt playfully.
“Well, aside from that, I was referring to photography. I was hoping I could
get a job at the camera store. We’ll see, I guess. They might not want me now.”
They both sobered and Ephram pulled Colin closer. “What about your parents? How
are they dealing?”
“Okay, I guess. They’re both just sad, you know? I think it’s going to take
some time. It pretty much sucks.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll work it out. They’ll come around.”
“Yeah,” Colin said, but he didn’t sound convinced. He was quiet for a bit,
before speaking again. “So, I guess we’re like, boyfriends, huh?”
Ephram considered it. “Yeah, I guess we are.” He liked the sound of that.
Colin’s fingers grazed Ephram’s cheek. “I love you,” he said, softly.
“I love you, too.” They kissed and rested quietly with their heads together for
a few more minutes. Finally, Ephram groaned and said, “Okay, this floor isn’t
getting any softer.” Colin laughed and they both reached for their clothes.
They both dressed and Colin went to work putting away the equipment he’d been
using. As he finished up, Ephram turned his attention to the photographs that
were drying on the far side of the room on a clothesline.
He hadn’t really noticed them when he’d come in, but now as he neared them, his
breath caught in his throat. Some of the pictures were of the mountains and
some of a lake that Ephram didn’t recognize.
But others were of him.
They were taken at a distance, and in most of them Ephram appeared to be on his
way to or from school. One drew his attention more than the others: it was
taken through the front window of his house, and he sat inside at the piano,
his eyes closed, his head tilted.
“I couldn’t resist. You look so, I don’t know…passionate when you’re playing.”
Ephram looked over his shoulder at Colin, who regarded him nervously.
“I wasn’t like, stalking you. I just…I’d see you sometimes and I had to take
pictures. That day I went to your house but I was too afraid to talk to you.
Then I saw you playing and I didn’t want to disturb you. You looked so into it,
I probably could have crashed through the window and I don’t think you’d have
noticed.”
Ephram looked back at the picture. There was some glare from the sun on the
window, and it created a glow around him. He thought of the last Thanksgiving
Grateful Book his mother had made, how she’d written that his playing was like
angels dancing on the keyboard.
“I’m sorry, I won’t take pictures without you knowing anymore.”
Ephram looked back at Colin over his shoulder again and smiled. “Think I can
get a copy of this one?”
“Yeah, sure. You really like it?” Colin chewed his lip.
“Yeah, I really like it.” He turned and studied the picture again, his fingers
lightly brushing across it. His mother had always loved to watch him play.
“It’s pretty cool, with the light and everything.”
Ephram swallowed the lump in his throat. “Yeah, it’s pretty cool.” He smiled
and shook his head, snapping back to the present. “Hey, I thought you didn’t
take pictures of people.” He scanned the hanging photographs for other faces.
Colin’s arms wrapped around his stomach from behind and Ephram leaned back,
contentedly.
“You’re not people.” Colin leaned his head against Ephram’s and they stood in
comfortable silence.
Finally, Ephram spoke. “You ready to head out?”
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
In the antechamber, Colin paused and took Ephram’s hand. “Hey, you wanna go to
a movie or something tonight?”
Ephram thought about seeing all those people, all the whispering and staring.
Screw it.
He grinned. “Yeah. I hear there’s a hot pirate movie out.”
Colin grinned back and they walked out into the light.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!