Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7489269.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Big_Bang_(Band)
  Relationship:
      Choi_Seunghyun_|_T.O.P./Dong_Youngbae_|_Taeyang
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-07-15 Chapters: 8/8 Words: 11175
****** Nothing Like the First ******
by Lunar_Pull
Summary
     The story of two best friends, their first love and how distance
     changed them.
***** Chapter 1 *****
Seung Hyun was in his tiny room, staring up at the ceiling through a thick
cloud of smoke. He was in one of his moods again. Seventeen and filled with
rage, Seung Hyun hated everything and yet somehow everyone seemed to love him.
It made him angrier.
 
He was wildly talented but unlucky enough to be born poor. His charisma and
skill meant nothing in the graffiti-lined streets he lived in, where sometimes
you made it home from school without getting into a fight and sometimes you
just never made it back.
 
Seung Hyun was a genius but too damn poor for it to matter, so he sucked in
another long drag from him glass pipe, breathing deep to let the smoke fill his
lungs before slowly letting it out again.
 
“Fuck,” he said aloud to no one as he realized he was developing a higher
tolerance to the drug.
 
Seung Hyun was spiralling deeper and deeper into one of his angst-fueled
episodes and he found himself wondering what Youngbae was up to. Damn goody
two-shoes was probably still at school at one of his after-school extra
curricular bullshits. They’d been best friends for a long time despite the fact
that Youngbae was two years younger. They were raised in the same neighborhood
and all, but somewhere along the way, it had become clear just how different
they were.
 
It was probably around the time Youngbae found his God. Seung Hyun wanted to
laugh at first, but then he remembered about Youngbae’s bruises and decided
that he too would search for a higher power if his father was a worthless
drunk.
 
Seung Hyun sighed and laid back on the hardwood floor of his room. The old wood
scratched the back of his head uncomfortably but he was too stoned to care.
Besides, his right hand was making slow, soothing circles on his stomach, like
Youngbae used to do when they were younger and he couldn’t fall asleep.
 
He supposed that most people realize they’re in love with their best friends in
highly dramatic, drawn out ways. But he had realized he loved Youngbae when he
was thirteen years old, the night they were crammed into a tiny bed and he
couldn’t fall asleep because of a thunder storm. Youngbae hadn’t laughed, just
reached his small hand around Seung Hyun’s waist and rubbed his still chubby
stomach until the latter fell asleep. Seung Hyun had never felt safer.
 
Of course, Youngbae didn’t know that Seung Hyun was infatuated with him to the
point where he was even annoyed by the golden boy. Seung Hyun didn’t think
homosexuality was something that particularly appealed to his friend. Besides,
the younger boy was now all wiry muscles and intense eyes since he started
being on the school’s gymnastic team and Seung Hyun found it hard to even speak
to him when he was wearing all that tight spandex.
 
Thoughts of Youngbae filled Seung Hyun’s hazy mind as he undid his zipper and
belt, lowering his jeans so that he could wrap his hand around his cock.
 
It was five o’clock in the afternoon and here he was, masturbating on the floor
of his room to memories of Youngbae’s perfectly shaped mouth. It wasn’t
unusual.
 
What was unusual was the soft tapping on his window that shocked Seung Hyun out
of his blissed out state. He shoved his pants up quickly, silently thanking
whoever laid out this room in such a way that the view from the window was
obscured by the bed. There was only one person who ever came through the
window.
 
Seung Hyun opened the window, which creaked and groaned in protest, to let
Youngbae inside. The shorter boy was wearing loose sweatpants, a crooked
snapback hat tilted to the side and large, dark sunglasses. The sleeveless
shirt he was wearing could barely be called that, since the sides of it were
almost completely cut out. He stepped into the room easily, like he owned the
place.
 
He was gorgeous and casual and it stole Seung Hyun’s breath away.
 
“Hey, you got a haircut,” Youngbae said simply, but Seung Hyun noted the large
black bag he was carrying, “Can I stay with you for a couple of days?”
 
“Yes and yes,” Seung Hyun responded, fighting with the window to shut it again.
He gave up after a couple of minutes.
 
“Are you gonna tell me what happened?” He asked after Youngbae had
unceremoniously dumped his bag at the foot of the bed before settling into the
mattress.
 
“No,” Youngbae said, his voice expressionless. “Not yet,” he amended. He didn’t
need to. Seung Hyun knew he would.
 
Seung Hyun settled in the bed next to Youngbae, shoulders flush together. It
didn’t matter that they had laid like that countless times, their physical
proximity still set Seung Hyun’s blood on fire. Youngbae laced their hands
together and Seung Hyun broke out into a sweat, thinking about how just moments
before he’d had the same hand shoved down his own pants.
 
He was going to Hell. He was going to Hell and he didn’t even care.
 
Seung Hyun didn’t want to keep thinking about how much of a bad person he was
so he decided to start a conversation. “I thought you were supposed to be at
practice today.”
 
Youngbae shifted in the bed and sighed. “Cancelled.”
 
A silence settled between them then and it would have been awkward with anyone
else. Anyone but Youngbae.
 
Suddenly, Youngbae stood up and sat on the edge of the bed to rifle through his
backpack. “Can you help me with this math problem?” he asked.
 
Seung Hyun nodded. School was so easy for him and he often felt guilty because
it was just so damn hard for Youngbae. He studied for hours on end only to
receive average grades while Seung Hyun breezed through exams without so much
as opening a textbook. Still, Youngbae never complained. Just studied harder.
He really was as close to perfect as a human could possibly get, Seung Hyun
thought.
 
Youngbae pulled some papers out of his bag and Seung Hyun noticed that he
hadn’t taken off his sunglasses. A frown crossed his face as his cloudy mind
struggled to put all the pieces together. Something was very off about his
friend. The sunglasses, the odd timing of his entrance…
 
The hat.
 
His hat was tilted to the opposite side it usually was to show off his eyebrow
piercing.
 
Youngbae flinched when Seung Hyun suddenly tilted it back where it belonged,
attempting to set the world right again.
 
Seung Hyun’s mouth hung open as his eyes took in the sight of fresh scratches
on Youngbae’s face, the skin around his piercing irritated and inflamed.
Slowly, Seung Hyun brought his hands up again to take off Youngbae’s
sunglasses. The younger boy didn’t meet his gaze.
 
His eye was bruised purple and ugly and Seung Hyun felt the anger surge inside
him again. His hands trembled as he guided Youngbae’s face from side to side,
thumb and forefinger holding his chin delicately.
 
“What the fuck happened?” Seung Hyun was surprised at how calm his own voice
sounded as he inspected the injury further.
 
“It’s nothing,” Youngbae sounded like he didn’t believe his own lie.
 
“Did he do this?” Seung Hyun hated referring to Youngbae’s father.
 
There was a lengthy pause as Youngbae eyes remained downcast. He finally
sighed.
 
“He said my piercing made me look like a faggot,” Youngbae responded with a
bitter smile and Seung Hyun could just feel his own heart shattering into
pieces for him. “He tried to take it out.”
 
Seung Hyun always prided himself in his detachment to the world. He had
acquaintances, not friends. He was biologically related to people but he didn’t
call them his family. He loved only his mother and Youngbae and he hated most
people but there was absolutely no one he despised more than Youngbae’s father.
 
“I’ll fucking kill him,” Seung Hyun hissed through his teeth.
 
Youngbae put his hands on Seung Hyun’s shoulders, levelled his bruised gaze at
him and said, “You know it’s never this bad.”
 
It was true enough. But what was the difference between a few bruises on a
torso and a black eye that could barely be hidden when the blows came from the
person who was supposed to be your protector? And it was Youngbae, for god’s
sake. Youngbae, who never hurt anyone, who was magic around kids and whose
smile was so bright it could light up a room. How could anyone put their hands
on him like that?
 
Seung Hyun wanted to say all that and more, but Youngbae was already moving off
the bed, grabbing his books and sitting down on the older boy’s desk. Seung
Hyun knew the conversation was over. He could try to reason with his friend but
all he’d get in return would be it’s not that bad andI can handle it, don’t
worry about me and Seung Hyun didn’t think he could take another one of those.
 
In all honestly, they barely ever talked about the abuse.
 
Seung Hyun didn’t know how. He was a genius but he didn’t know how to save his
friend. He felt worthless.
 
He leaned back down on the bed and hooked his hands behind his head. Inhaled
deeply. “Wanna get high?”
 
Youngbae looked over at him. Nodded.
 
They got high the way they usually did; Seung Hyun taking long drags off his
pipe and shotgunning the smoke into Youngbae’s mouth. The few milliseconds that
their lips touched always felt like forever to Seung Hyun and today was no
different. Today, though, it was hard to keep from staring at the darkening
bruises that marred his best friend’s pretty face.
 
When Youngbae’s eyes turned glassy and his shoulders relaxed, Seung Hyun knew
he was higher than a kite and gone. He put the pipe aside and laid on the bed
again. Youngbae followed mindlessly.
 
Seung Hyun wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him all afternoon,
only letting go so that they could change into their sleep clothes. They didn’t
speak. They slipped quickly back into the bed, back into each other’s arms.
 
Seung Hyun pretended he didn’t notice Youngbae’s ragged breaths as he struggled
not to cry.
 
He hooked an arm around Youngbae’s narrow waist and rubbed slow circles into
his stomach until his breathing evened out.
 
Seung Hyun laid awake for a long time after Youngbae drifted off, hating the
world and loving his friend. It took a long time for Youngbae’s rhythmic
breathing and the sounds of police sirens streaming in through the still-opened
window to finally lull him to sleep.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Seung Hyun was drunk as hell.
 
Youngbae knew this because the taller boy stumbled awkwardly into the room
through the opened window the younger boy always left for him. The smell of
midnight, smoke and cheap beer trailing behind him was a dead giveaway.
 
He fell on his face as soon as he was inside and Youngbae winced. He hoped his
father hadn’t heard the loud thud.
 
Seung Hyun stood up slowly with a little help from Youngbae. When he was
finally on his own two feet, he held his shoulders back and drew himself up to
his full height. In the darkness of his room, Youngbae could feel more than see
the smirk that graced the tall boy’s face.
 
“Hi.”
 
A simple greeting. A gravelly, deep voice. It was all it ever took to make
Youngbae’s heart skip a beat.
 
There was something about Seung Hyun that always made Youngbae feel confused
and nervous. In the beginning of their friendship, the younger boy chalked it
up to Seung Hyun’s age and experience. He knew everything. He gave Youngbae his
first joint, first beer. He introduced him to the first girl he kissed,
although, to be fair, Youngbae never understood what all the rage was about.
 
But as they grew older, Youngbae began to realize that there was something
lurking underneath the surface of his platonic emotions towards his best
friend, and although he did his best to hide it, there were always times when
it was just impossible to ignore it.
 
Times like these.
 
“How was the party?” Youngbae feigned nonchalance expertly. He flopped down
into his bed easily, like his skin wasn’t buzzing with both excitement and
unease.
 
“Lame. You should have been there,” Seung Hyun said as he slipped under the
covers without asking for permission. He knew he didn’t need it.
 
“I have an exam in the morning,” Youngbae said by way of excuse, trying hard
not to focus on the way Seung Hyun’s larger body wrapped around his perfectly.
“Besides, you would have just ignored me.”
 
The rumble of Seung Hyun’s deep voice echoed as he laughed into Youngbae’s ear.
“Don’t be stupid. I don’t ignore you, I just look at you when you can’t see.”
 
Youngbae’s heart began to speed up, like an old cassette tape. “Why?”
 
Seung Hyun was silent for a minute and Youngbae thought he had fallen asleep.
He was startled when Seung Hyun murmured, “it’s just easier that way.”
 
Youngbae sighed. Seung Hyun had a tendency to be honest and vague when he was
drunk and tonight was no different. Sometimes, Youngbae just didn’t understand
the older boy. He didn’t think he ever would.
 
“Jiyong was there,” Seung Hyun stated, referring to their childhood friend who
had been lucky enough to be adopted by a wealthy family from the other side of
town. “He kept asking about you.”
 
“Was his boyfriend there?”
 
“That guy’s hisboyfriend?” Seung Hyun asked, sounded genuinely surprised and
Youngbae found himself giggling at just how oblivious his friend could be.
Seung Hyun joined him in laughter.
 
It was not the first night Youngbae had felt the tell tale signs of Seung
Hyun’s arousal pressed against the small of his back. It was a fairly common
occurrence whenever the older boy slid into his bed, mind in a drunken stupor.
The feel of it still made a jolt of pleasure tingle in Youngbae’s spine but
instead of basking in the forbidden feeling like he had on previous nights, the
smaller boy turned around to face Seung Hyun.
 
Seung Hyun’s eyes were wide open, though, and their intensity took Youngbae by
surprise. The older boy’s eyes searched Youngbae’s face unabashedly and the
younger boy felt his cheeks flame in embarrassment.
 
“You still have it,” Seung Hyun said quietly, a little reverently.
 
“Have what?”
 
“The piercing,” Seung Hyun replied, finger lightly brushing against the silver
metal.
 
It had been a few weeks since the incident with his father and Youngbae thought
that Seung Hyun had forgotten, the same way he tended to forget most things he
was uncomfortable with.
 
“Yeah,” Youngbae affirmed, not entirely sure of why he suddenly felt shy.
 
Seung Hyun smirked devilishly. “You’re one tough son of a bitch, you know
that?”
 
Seung Hyun always had the strangest compliments reserved just for Youngbae and
it never helped the younger boy with his already confusing emotions. Youngbae
didn’t really understand why this particular one meant the world to him, but it
did. Something about the moment felt too sincere, too raw, so Youngbae turned
around in the bed again. It was easier to deal with Seung Hyun with his back
turned to him.
 
“Your eye looks better,” Seung Hyun whispered.
 
“You should go to sleep,” Youngbae croaked, “You have a final exam tomorrow,
too.”
 
Seung Hyun laughed again. “I’m not going.”
 
At this, Youngbae frowned and turned around. “What do you mean you’re not
going?”
 
Seung Hyun’s smoky eyes bore deep into Youngbae’s and the younger boy found
himself having to avoid his gaze. “I’m not taking the exam,” Seung Hyun
clarified, “because I’m not graduating.”
 
“Seung Hyun,” Youngbae sighed, no doubt sounding like a disappointed mother but
unable to care, “What are you talking about? Do you really wanna be stuck here
forever?”
 
“Don’t argue with me, Bae,” Seung Hyun sounded unusually stern. “I’m not
leaving you, alright?”
 
Youngbae didn’t respond, didn’t trust his throat to emit an understandable
sound. Seung Hyun wanted to stay with him, an average fifteen year old boy with
average grades and average skills. Youngbae was afraid.
 
He feared a lot of things. He feared for his life when he walked home too late
at night.
 
He feared his father’s fists. He feared his father’s words.
 
He feared the way his heart always beat faster when Seung Hyun was around.
 
More than anything, though, Youngbae feared that he was never going to leave
the crumbling part of town he was born in, that he’d never amount to anything,
that he’d be trapped in a too-small apartment with his alcoholic father for the
rest of his life.
 
Youngbae was afraid to hope.
 
“Do you promise?” he asked Seung Hyun in a whisper he hoped the older boy
hadn’t heard.
 
Seung Hyun smiled in the darkness and brought their foreheads together. “I
promise,” he whispered, “I’ll never leave.”
 
Youngbae didn’t mind that Seung Hyun’s breath reeked of alcohol and that he was
taking up most of the bed. He look into earnest brown eyes and smiled.
 
The last thing Youngbae thought before sleep overtook him was how with Seung
Hyun by his side, he felt a little less afraid.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Seung Hyun felt pathetic.
 
He was sitting in a fucking high school gymnastics tournament at the same
fucking school he should have graduated from a year ago. He had broken his
cardinal rule to never attend a school-sponsored function. All because a pretty
pair of eyes had batted at him and asked him oh so nicely to please come to the
match, Seung Hyun, it would mean so much to me.
 
Youngbae had never asked him to attend one of his matches, partly because he
knew Seung Hyun would hate it and partly because he obviously felt guilt at the
fact that the older boy had purposely failed to graduate because of him. So the
fact that he even bothered to ask was already a shock to Seung Hyun's system.
It didn't help that the younger boy had asked him while he was stoned as hell
and inexplicably trying to count every eyelash on Youngbae's right eye. Of
course he'd said yes.
 
He regretted that decision now, especially since Jiyong felt the need to elbow
him every time he caught Seung Hyun staring at Youngbae.
 
“You're so obvious, Seung Hyun-hyung,” Jiyong said in a sing-song voice.
 
“Shut up,” the older boy responded acidly, even though Jiyong fell into the
exclusive category of people he liked. “You're not exactly hiding your boner
for loverboy over there.”
 
Jiyong smiled brightly and let his gaze rest on his boyfriend, a charismatic
and adorable boy a couple of years his junior named Seungri. He was on one of
the teams opposing Youngbae's.
 
“It's the spandex,” Jiyong said cheekily and Seung Hyun marveled at his
brazenness. He was in a rough part of the city—raised there, until fortune
smiled his way—yet he refused to hide his sexuality. That alone made him one of
the toughest motherfuckers Seung Hyun had ever met.
 
Seung Hyun let his eyes wander to Youngbae, who was currently involved in a
stretch that, combined with the clingy fabric hugging his every curve, left
nothing to the imagination. He had to agree with Jiyong, the spandex was a
godsend.
 
Things had been changing between Youngbae and Seung Hyun over the past year and
the older boy didn't really know how to handle it. Perhaps, more honestly,
Youngbae was changing. His body had transformed into a tiny powerhouse of
muscles that Seung Hyun fantasized about almost nightly and he had traded in
his eyebrow piercing for a sleek and stylish mohawk. Seung Hyun still cursed
the day Youngbae climbed in through his window asked him what he thought of his
new hair.
 
I think I want to bend you over my desk and fuck you while pulling on that
goddamn mohawk, Seung Hyun had thought, but wisely, not said.
 
Youngbae was becoming more confident, more social and popular in his own right,
as opposed to always being Seung Hyun's friend and it made the older boy both
incredibly proud and incredibly jealous. Especially at times like these, when
he was sitting in a room full of eager eyes that were undoubtedly checking out
the way Youngbae’s muscles flexed as he bent down to touch his toes.
 
“You should just tell him,” Jiyong's voice brought Seung Hyun out of his
thoughts. “I was so much happier after I told Seungri.”
 
As if on cue, the dark-haired boy looked up and spotted Jiyong in the crowd.
His face lit up and he waved wildly before turning back to listen to his coach.
Jiyong's answering smile was so sweet it made Seung Hyun want to gag.
 
“That’s easy for you to say, he liked you back.”
 
“What makes you think he doesn’t like you?” Jiyong asked.
 
“He’s not gay.”
 
“And you know this because…”
 
“Because I’m his best friend and I think I would fucking know if he was.” Seung
Hyun hadn’t meant to snap but discussing how the only boy who ever made his
heart flutter was never going to feel the same way would ruin anyone’s mood.
 
“Aish, you’re such a pessimist,” Jiyong continued, unfazed. “Besides, does he
know that you’re gay?”
 
“I prefer the term bisexual. And no, he doesn’t.”
 
Jiyong smiled like he knew something he shouldn’t. “Trust me, hyung, Youngbae
thinks you are, in fact, the greatest person to ever walk this earth and if
that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
 
Seung Hyun didn’t answer and he tried to convince himself that it was because
Jiyong’s foolish ramblings didn’t deserve a response but the truth was that
Youngbae had looked up at that exact moment and caught his gaze, smiled shyly
and waved a little, and moments like that always left Seung Hyun speechless.
 
After the tournament, Seung Hyun and Youngbae were dragged by Jiyong and his
chipper boyfriend to some lame house party with a strange mix of people from
both sides of town. At least the drinks were good. Seung Hyun was well past
buzzed when it suddenly struck him that he hadn’t seen Youngbae in a while. He
excused himself from his conversation with Jiyong (actually, he just walked
away, leaving Jiyong in mid-sentence) to search for his friend.
 
He was a bit on edge because Youngbae invited one of his teammates, a cheerful
boy with a rock hard body and an amazing smile named Daesung, and the two had
been nearly inseparable all night. After about the twentieth time that the two
gymnasts laughed so hard at some inside joke that they fell all over each
other, Seung Hyun decided to leave them be before he tore Daesung’s head off.
Or tried to fuck him.
 
On his way to search for the pair, Seung Hyun realized that perhaps he was a
little more than buzzed and he decided to ask Youngbae to take him home.
Youngbae always took such good care of him.
 
Seung Hyun bumped into someone and was about to tell him off when he noticed it
was Daesung--alone. “Where’s Youngbae?”
 
Daesung just pointed towards the back of the room and continued on his way. The
sight that greeted Seung Hyun stopped him dead in his tracks.
 
Youngbae’s back was pressed to the wall and he was looking up at some stranger-
-some man--who had one arm held against the wall while the other hovered
dangerously close to Youngbae’s hips. Youngbae kept drinking out of his cup,
laughing every so often at the stranger’s words which only seemed to encourage
the man because he finally let his hand rest on Youngbae’s body and Seung Hyun
wanted to die right then and there.
 
Seung Hyun’s stomach bottomed out and his mind raced a million miles a minute,
struggling to process what he was seeing. He was a second away from turning
around and running from the house when he saw Youngbae tense, politely remove
the offending hand while smiling so sweetly that it probably confused the hell
out of the stranger. Hell, it confused Seung Hyun, too.
 
Youngbae found Seung Hyun in the crowd, asked him if he wanted to go home and
the older boy only nodded.
 
The entire walk home, Seung Hyun remained quiet and withdrawn, mind full of
questions he didn’t truly want the answer to. Youngbae, seeming to understand,
left him alone.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
It turned out that the stranger had a name. Teddy.
 
Youngbae liked him. He looked up to him because he was a lot older and he took
classes at the local community college. He seemed to be going somewhere.
 
Teddy was friendly and funny; he made Youngbae laugh almost all the time. He
gave the younger boy such good advice, even helped him to look for overseas
scholarships since he himself had lived in abroad during his high school years.
 
Teddy liked Youngbae. At least, Youngbae thought he did. He picked him up in
his car after school and drove around for hours with no destination just to
spend time with him. Sometimes, he smiled at Youngbae at just the right angle
and it made Youngbae’s stomach do backflips.
 
Youngbae had never felt this way before. No, that wasn’t right. He had felt
this way about Seung Hyun.
 
Maybe this is what you’re supposed to feel when a friendship starts out,
Youngbae tried to reason with himself.
 
Youngbae stopped trying to kid himself the day Teddy shoved him up against the
wall and kissed him roughly. He tried to enjoy the unexpected kiss but the way
his head knocked against brick and Teddy’s sudden aggressiveness reminded him
of his father and he found himself pushing back desperately.
 
“Oh come on,” Teddy said, a bit exasperated, when he relinquished his hold on
Youngbae’s lips.
 
“I’m sorry, I just--I don’t--this is too much,” Youngbae stammered.
 
“Come on, baby,” Teddy purred as he leaned down again to kiss Youngbae but the
younger man flinched and shut his eyes tightly and Teddy finally seemed to get
the hint.
 
“We can take it slow,” Teddy said and Youngbae should have felt relieved but
the only thing he could focus on was the pain spreading throughout his skull
and how much he wanted to see Seung Hyun.
 
That night, he snuck into Seung Hyun’s bedroom, but the older boy wasn’t there.
Youngbae had never felt so lost.
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     Trigger Warning: Depiction of Child Abuse.
Seung Hyun hadn’t exactly been avoiding Youngbae.
 
Okay, that was a lie. He was.
 
Ever since he saw the way that man (Teddy, or whatever) had been hanging all
over Youngbae, his penchant for jealousy had reached new heights. Whereas
before, he could handle his strong emotions towards his best friend, he was now
finding it hard to keep himself from confessing his darkest secret every time
they were in the same room together.
 
So he pulled away. Weeks passed without seeing each other outside of school. It
wasn’t exactly brave, but Seung Hyun had a lot of other things on his mind.
Like how his mother told him they didn’t have enough to make the rent that
month so he’d had to go out and do something he’d promised Youngbae he’d never
do.
 
The truth was that Seung Hyun had been selling drugs for quite some time,
behind Youngbae’s back, because he knew the younger boy would disapprove. But
it was only on occasion, when the fancy or need struck him. Now, he had to do
it, or him and his poor mother would be out on the streets and she deserved so
much better than that.
 
His poor mother. She never questioned where the money came from. Just smiled
and thanked him.
 
Seung Hyun knew it was wrong and that there were other options, but honestly,
he’d never really wanted to be on the straight and narrow, like Youngbae,
indulging in drugs only on rare occasions. He’d always figured that if he was
going to be in this godforsaken town, the least he could do was wreak a little
havoc.
 
He only held back for his friend.
 
Seung Hyun’s eyes scanned the apartment building warily. It was falling apart,
the fact that Youngbae lived inside was its only redeeming quality.
 
Seung Hyun missed him. He missed him so much he thought he was slowly going
insane. Youngbae kept leaving him sweet little notes in his bedroom, completely
trusting and unsuspecting. Youngbae didn’t know that Seung Hyun was out almost
every night doing something he abhorred.
 
Seung Hyun sighed and walked up the steps into the building, his heavy heart
making his motions slow. He was going to tell Youngbae everything. Tell him why
he hadn’t been in his room like he should have been, waiting for him. Beg for
his forgiveness. Youngbae deserved that much. He only hoped a confession of
love didn’t spill out along with everything else.
 
When he got to Youngbae’s floor, Seung Hyun hesitated. He would usually climbed
the tree that led to Youngbae’s bedroom window to avoid dealing with his
father, but he wanted to show the younger boy that he meant business. Besides,
Youngbae’s father hated him and Seung Hyun always felt a sick sort of pleasure
in making the man uncomfortable.
 
Nearing Youngbae's door, Seung Hyun could hear the sounds of a struggle coming
from inside the door and he panicked. He’d never witnessed Youngbae’s father’s
abuse; he’d only ever seen the aftermath. A few times, his father had attacked
him while Seung Hyun was sleeping soundly in his room but the older boy never
woke up because Youngbae always took the punches silently.
 
It was when he heard Youngbae’s voice, croaking in fear as he begged his father
to please stop, please that Seung Hyun snapped out of his indecision and opened
the door. He knew it was never locked. Youngbae’s father was often too drunk to
remember his keys.
 
Seung Hyun fought the bile rising in his throat when he saw Youngbae pushed up
against threadbare couch, his eyes screwed shut, trying to wriggle out of the
strong grip his father had on his neck. The drunk man’s other hand was shoved
down the front of Youngbae’s pants.
 
“You wanna be a fucking faggot? Is this what you want?” Youngbae’s father’s
voice was slurred and rough.
 
“No, no, no,” Youngbae begged quickly, eyes still slammed shut, and breath
coming out in short, pained gasps, “please, no.”
 
Seung Hyun didn’t know what possessed him then, but he shoved the drunk man
away from Youngbae so roughly that he sent him sprawling into the kitchen
table, dishes and mismatched silverware raining down on him. Seung Hyun then
grabbed Youngbae’s father and balled his hands into fists, prepared to punch
the horrible, horrible man into oblivion until Youngbae’s small voice
registered in his ear. He was sitting by the couch, arms wrapped around his
knees protectively. Seung Hyun had never seen him look more vulnerable.
 
“Stop,” he whispered, eyes wide and staring a hole into the older boy’s heart,
and Seung Hyun promised himself to never do anything to make Youngbae look at
him like that again. He unclenched his fists.
 
Seung Hyun turned back towards Youngbae’s father and found that the man had
already passed out, probably from his own intoxication instead of Seung Hyun’s
force. He walked towards Youngbae and picked him up, carried him like a child
to his bedroom.
 
“We’re leaving, pack your shit,” Seung Hyun barked out, hating the way Youngbae
flinched at his voice but did exactly what he was told.
 
The walk out of the apartment building was the most stressful two minutes of
Seung Hyun’s life. He shook from adrenaline and alarm, expecting to hear police
sirens or Youngbae’s father running after them.
 
It was only after they were a good mile away that Seung Hyun allowed himself to
think. Awful memories flooded over him and he realized that he had always known
that things were so very wrong at Youngbae’s home but he’d never let himself
ask.
 
He remembered being twelve years old and rushing to the playground to tell
Youngbae all about his first kiss. He had described it in detail excitedly
while Youngbae’s small eyes had blinked up at him in confusion.
 
“My first kiss was my dad,” he had said, and Seung Hyun had been too young to
understand what it meant.
 
He couldn’t pretend that he didn’t understand anymore. “Bae, what happened?”
 
Youngbae didn’t answer for a long time so Seung Hyun pushed on. “Does he do
that to you a lot?”
 
“No,” Youngbae answered quickly. “He doesn’t...he never...you know.”
 
“Then, why now?”
 
Silence.
 
“Youngbae, please tell me. Why was he doing that to you?”
 
Youngbae finally let out a long-suffering sigh and rubbed his tender neck.
“Teddy kissed me.”
 
Seung Hyun hated himself for feeling jealous at this moment. “He what?”
 
“He was walking me to my door and he kissed me goodnight on the cheek. My dad
opened the door right when he did and then…”
 
“And then what?”
 
“And then he grabbed me and Teddy ran and--oh, god, Teddy. He’s never going to
talk to me again.”
 
Seung Hyun tried to stop himself from hoping that would happen. Tried, at
least.
 
Youngbae sighed again. “It’s gonna be a long week. Maybe he’ll forget it in a
few days.”
 
“Teddy?”
 
“No, my dad.”
 
Seung Hyun stopped walking. “Are you serious?”
 
Youngbae frowned as Seung Hyun continued. “You’re not going back there. I’m not
letting you.”
 
“He needs me--”
 
“He almost raped you!” Seung Hyun shouted into the night air, not caring who
heard them, “If I hadn’t shown up, who knows what would have happened?”
 
“He wouldn’t do that, he was just mad--”
 
“Youngbae, I can’t let you go back there. You’re moving in with me and my mom
and I don’t want to hear any more about it.”
 
“Seung Hyun, he’s my father,” Youngbae said quietly, too calm for what had just
happened to him.
 
“Yes, I know that, but one day he’s going to kill you.”
 
Youngbae remained silent, staring at Seung Hyun until his eyes began to water.
The older boy quickly dropped the bags he was carrying and embraced Youngbae
tightly.
 
“I’m sorry,” Seung Hyun whispered against the top of the younger boy’s head
after he had let him cry his heart out for a few minutes, “I’m so sorry. You
don’t deserve this.”
 
“Why doesn’t he love me?” Youngbae whimpered and Seung Hyun didn’t know what to
say. He didn’t know how anyone could look at this remarkable boy and feel
anything but awe.
 
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “But I love you. I’ll never let anyone
hurt you again. Please don’t go back there. Please stay with me.”
 
Seung Hyun felt Youngbae nod against his chest and he drew the boy in tighter.
They stayed like that for a long time. Until Seung Hyun’s arms began to ache
and Youngbae’s tears dried. Until the cold, night air forced them to keep
moving.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Youngbae loved waking up on Saturday mornings because he was always the first
one to rise, and that meant he got to blatantly stare at Seung Hyun’s face for
as long as he wanted. His older friend really was incredibly handsome; his face
looked like it was chiseled out of marble, perfect and smooth. His dimples were
probably Youngbae’s favorite thing in the world.
 
A year had passed since Youngbae had moved in with Seung Hyun and his mother.
It had been difficult at first, his mind plagued with worry and shame over his
father. The man himself initially came to Seung Hyun’s house, alternating
between begging and raging at his son to come back home. It took a lot of
courage, but Youngbae stayed. Eventually, his father stopped coming.
 
Seung Hyun’s sweet and protective nature made Youngbae feel so warm inside and
he finally let himself think what he’d known in his heart all along: he felt
something much deeper than friendship for Seung Hyun.
 
Youngbae was crazy about him, actually, which made living in such close
proximity both Heaven and Hell.
 
The advantages were that he got to see his dear friend every day, sleep in the
same bed, and spend nearly every waking moment analyzing the curve of Seung
Hyun’s smile.
 
The drawback was, of course, that he spent all his time pining for someone he
could never have.
 
It didn’t help matters that Jiyong kept pushing him to just fucking do
something already. Lately, it was all Jiyong could talk about on the rare times
the two boys hung out. Even Seungri agreed.
 
“Just kiss him,” Seungri said, a wide smile plastered on his cute face. Jiyong
pecked him on the cheek as if to demonstrate their point. Youngbae had only
laughed at their public display of affection and shook his head. Could it
really be that simple?
 
Youngbae sighed and shook his head slightly. As long as he could be close to
Seung Hyun, it didn’t matter. He would pine for forever and a day because the
pain in his heart was worth it. Seung Hyun was worth it.
 
Seung Hyun’s eyes fluttered open; he grinned at Youngbae before stretching.
“What are you doing?” he asked, as he turned to his side to wrap his arms
around Youngbae’s waist.
 
“Nothing,” Youngbae lied. His heart started beating so loudly that he swore
Seung Hyun could hear it.
 
This isn’t normal, Youngbae thought. Normal friends didn’t lounge together in
bed, they didn’t cuddle at every chance they got, and they certainly didn’t let
their morning wood press into each other so obviously. Youngbae felt confused
again. Sometimes, he swore the way Seung Hyun looked at him meant something but
he didn’t dare let himself hope.
 
There was something a bit surreal about this particular Saturday morning. The
sun shone brighter than usual and the way it streamed through the window made
the dust floating around Seung Hyun’s room glow. Time seemed to drag, slow like
molasses, and Seung Hyun seemed content to bury himself in Youngbae’s chest.
 
It was a Saturday like any other Saturday, except that the light made Seung
Hyun’s cheekbones stand out more than usual and his lips were so close to
Youngbae’s skin that the younger boy shivered at the feel of his breath.
 
It was a Saturday like any other Saturday, except that when Seung Hyun felt
Youngbae shivering, he pulled him closer. Much closer than ever before. Too
close.
 
“Youngbae…” The word hung in the air and Youngbae swore he could feel Seung
Hyun’s deep voice rumble against his heart.
 
It was such a small movement that connected their lips that Youngae almost
didn’t realize they were kissing. Youngbae ducked his chin at the same moment
that Seung Hyun had pulled back to look into his eyes and their mouths just
found each other. Their lips pressed against each other gently. It was simple
and clean. It was perfect.
 
Youngbae deepened their kiss, morning breath be damned, as his hands sought out
Seung Hyun’s face. Seung Hyun let himself be pulled closer. Youngbae let Seung
Hyun climb on top of him, pressing him into the mattress. His hands touched
Seung Hyun everywhere, finally caving to his desire and his deepest wish. He
couldn’t believe that Seung Hyun was actually kissing him back, and he let
himself believe it was a dream until Seung Hyun’s loud moan broke the silence.
 
Seung Hyun pulled back, his dark hair fell into his eyes and Youngbae thought
he’d never seen a more beautiful creature. “Is this real?” Seung Hyun asked.
 
Youngbae knitted his brows in confusion. “What?”
 
“Are we really kissing?”
 
Youngbae thought it was rather obvious. “Do you want to stop?”
 
Seung Hyun’s eyes widened comically. “God, no, are you fucking kidding me?”
 
“You want to keep kissing me?” Youngbae asked shyly, his insecurities getting
the better of him once again.
 
“Fuck yes, Bae. I wanna kiss you ‘til I die.”
 
Youngbae chuckled at his friend’s exaggeration. He couldn’t hold Seung Hyun’s
gaze so he settled for looking at the stained brick building that faced the
bedroom window.
 
“I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do, though,” Seung Hyun added.
 
“I know you wouldn’t do that,” Youngbae said, trying to suppress a smile.
 
“I’ve wanted this for forever,” Seung Hyun whispered and he sounded so honest
and tired. So honestly tired of waiting in silence. Youngbae could relate.
 
“Me too,” he said and Seung Hyun’s face broke out into the goofiest smile.
Youngbae’s heart melted at the sight. He felt like his chest was so full and
light at the same time.
 
“I guess we’re idiots then,” Seung Hyun laughed, pecking a kiss onto Youngbae’s
lips.
 
“There are worse things.” Youngbae was barely able to finish his sentence
because Seung Hyun started pecking little kisses all over his lips, cheeks and
eyes. Seung Hyun’s lips pressed against his face and Youngbae just giggled and
wrapped his arms around the older boy’s neck.
 
It was probably too early for I love yous. Too early in the morning and too
early in their exploration of this new territory. So Youngbae didn’t say it.
But the words echoed in his mind as he and Seung Hyun spent the next two hours
figuring out how to make each other smile and sigh, trying out every kind of
kiss.
 
It was a Saturday like any other Saturday, except that Youngbae had just turned
eighteen and he was in love.
***** Chapter 6 *****
Being Youngbae’s boyfriend was the easiest thing in the world. It was pretty
much the same as being his best friend, except Seung Hyun got to hold his hand
when no one was around and kiss him all night long. They slipped easily into
love, like an often-worn sweater, and Seung Hyun felt, for the first time in
his life, like he was right where he belonged.
 
Seung Hyun’s mother never said anything but she looked at the boys with a
knowing smile every time she walked in on them cooking dinner together.
 
That’s right, Youngbae cooked. He cooked and cleaned and kissed like an expert
and Seung Hyun knew he had won the proverbial lottery the day Teddy showed up
at the house one day to pick Youngbae up and the younger boy had blown him off.
 
“I’m hanging with Seung Hyun tonight, Teddy. Sorry.”
 
He didn’t sound sorry. It made Seung Hyun smirk in triumph.
 
Youngbae was good for him. Seung Hyun liked to pretend that the younger boy’s
tendency to nag him (“clean your room, Seung Hyun, it’s a mess in here”)
bothered him, but the truth was, he often left his shirts strewn about
carelessly just to see the little frown and pursed lips that signalled
Youngbae’s annoyance. Youngbae liked order; everything in his life was arranged
into neat patterns and Seung Hyun just loved ruffling his feathers. He
especially loved getting to make up for his behavior by buying Youngbae little
treats and gifts when he was in a mood.
 
Seung Hyun never told him about how he kept them in the house with dirty money
but he knew he’d break his heart if he kept selling drugs. So he got a job at a
convenience store and stopped going out at night.
 
Giving things up for Youngbae was easy because it didn’t feel like a sacrifice.
Not with Youngbae spread out beneath him on the bed, biting his lip to keep
from crying out because of Seung Hyun’s clever hands.
 
“Have you guys fucked yet?” Jiyong would ask bluntly, his arm permanently
attached to Seungri’s shoulder.
 
“That’s none of your goddamn business, pervert,” Seung Hyun would respond
angrily. Jiyong only laughed.
 
They hadn’t, but Seung Hyun didn’t think there was anything funny about it.
 
Youngbae had issues.
 
He couldn’t stand it when Seung Hyun tried to blow him and sometimes, even if
they’d been kissing for hours, Youngbae would panic and push Seung Hyun off of
him, breath coming in short bursts.
 
“I can’t breathe,” he’d wheeze and Seung Hyun would rub his back gently and
remind him that it was just him, that he’d never hurt him, that everything was
okay.
 
Sometimes, Youngbae would climb on top of Seung Hyun and run his fingers
through his long hair, seamlessly taking control. He’d roll his hips and push
Seung Hyun to the edge but as soon as the older boy let himself touch Youngbae
back, he’d pull away.
 
“I’m sorry,” Youngbae would whisper, eyes downcast and ashamed.
 
“It’s fine, babe,” Seung Hyun would soothe him. He’d hold Youngbae in his arms
when the younger boy had calmed down. “We have forever.”
 
Seung Hyun had never meant anything more in his life. He was set on loving
Youngbae until the stars fell from the sky and the sun burnt itself out because
just being near Youngbae’s smile was enough for him.
 
Which is why he was nervous as hell the night Youngbae pulled him into their
bedroom after a party at Jiyong’s house.
 
“I’m ready,” Youngbae had huskily whispered into Seung Hyun’s ear when they
were pressed close in a dark corner of the dance floor earlier that night. The
smaller boy’s breath smelled a little of marijuana and Seung Hyun’s mind
protested but his body was too wrapped up in the way Youngbae’s arms felt
draped around his shoulders.
 
Seung Hyun had never been with a guy before. He’d never really had eyes for
anyone other than Youngbae but he figured it would probably be the same as with
a girl. A little internet research at the local crumbling library let him know
that it definitely, definitely wasn’t so Seung Hyun prepared himself for this
possibility months before.
 
It didn’t help too much, though. He was still so anxious that he thought his
heart might beat right out of his chest.
 
Youngbae was loose and relaxed; he made Seung Hyun trip over his own feet and
stumble into their bed. He laughed and the sight of it made Seung Hyun feel
like the luckiest idiot on the planet.
 
Youngbae did what Youngbae did best. He flipped Seung Hyun’s world upside down,
trailing sloppy wet kisses down the older boy’s chest.
 
The whimper Seung Hyun let out when he felt the wet warmth of Youngbae’s mouth
enveloping him was embarrassing. The way he could feel Youngbae’s answering
chuckle because it reverberated on his dick was fucking sinful. If the younger
boy didn’t stop soon, he was going to come like this.
 
As if reading his mind, Youngbae pulled off him, lips shimmering and eyes
smiling as he gazed up at him. “Are you close?”
 
“Yeah,” Seung Hyun answered breathlessly.
 
“Well, don’t come,” Youngbae said, leaning up and reaching to grab something
from the bedside table. “Not yet.”
 
How Youngbae knew where to find the lube and condoms Seung Hyun had secretly
bought weeks before was not a question that struck the older boy until days
later. At the moment, all he could ask was why the hell was Youngbae still
wearing so many clothes.
 
He sat up as Youngbae straddled his lap and struggled to divest him of his t-
shirt. The rush to remove each other’s clothes was only tempered by the way
their mouths kept connecting, lips finding each other in the darkness. Every
time they stopped to kiss, their frantic pace slowed down and their erections
rubbed together beautifully, making both boys struggle to keep their voices
down. They didn’t want to wake Seung Hyun’s mother, after all.
 
When Youngbae settled himself underneath him, Seung Hyun thought he might have
a heart attack. He’d never seen the younger boy look so gorgeous, so pliant, so
very, very naked.
 
Completely naked, in fact, for the first time. Youngbae’s body was even more
beautiful than Seung Hyun had ever dreamed and he gulped involuntarily.
 
The blanket that covered the boys made Seung Hyun sweat profusely. His hair
stuck to his temples and he felt disgusting compared to the gorgeous light
shimmer that graced Youngbae's naked self. Naked. Had he mentioned that yet?
 
Then again maybe it wasn't the heat. Maybe it was just the fact that it wasn't
some random girl he met at a party writhing in his bed, asking him to fuck
them, it was Youngbae.
 
“Are you going to come down here or what?” the younger boy teased.
 
Seung Hyun did. He kissed Youngbae with all the passion and love he felt for
the boy and the best part was that Youngbae kissed him back just as fervently.
 
When it came time to prepare Youngbae, Seung Hyun poured too much lube on his
hand and most of it landed on the sheets, making a huge mess. “Dammit,” he
cursed and Youngbae laughed and laughed until Seung Hyun did, too.
 
Seung Hyun had never been so nervous. His hand shook until he finally buried
his fingers inside the younger boy. He struggled to recall everything he’d read
about what to do but he couldn’t concentrate because his hair kept falling into
his eyes, his heart rate wouldn’t slow down and he kept waiting for Youngbae to
push him away.
 
“I think you can do it now,” Youngbae finally whispered and Seung Hyun felt
like he’d been waiting for those words his whole life.
 
He poured too much lube (again) on his condom-wrapped length and lined himself
up with Youngbae’s entrance.
 
“Are you sure?” Seung Hyun asked, wishing his own voice sounded steady and
smooth.
 
Youngbae nodded and closed his eyes.
 
Sliding inside Youngbae was difficult, the smaller boy clenched around him
almost painfully tight. It didn’t feel anything like all the porn Seung Hyun
had watched made him think it should feel. It was mostly uncomfortable.
 
“I think it’s supposed to be better if you turn around,” Seung Hyun ventured.
 
Youngbae shook his head. “I want to see you, though.”
 
“Let me try something,” Seung Hyun said before he wrapped his arm around
Youngbae’s waist and pulled his hips off of the bed to drag him further onto
his cock and oh---
 
That was it.
 
Seung Hyun felt a wave of pleasure crash against him and he bit his lip to keep
from crying out. He thrust into Youngbae’s tight and perfect heat and felt like
he was burning alive in the best way possible.
 
Youngbae let out an ungodly sound, a keen whimper at Seung Hyun’s ear while his
legs wrapped around the older boy’s torso and Seung Hyun immediately thought
the worst.
 
“Are you alright?” Seung Hyun asked, his voice straining with the effort it
took to stop pounding into the smaller boy.
 
“Don’t stop,” Youngbae begged and Seung Hyun wanted to tell him to quiet down,
that his mother would hear them but god, he did not want to think about his
mother right now.
 
He did what he was told. He fucked into Youngbae and wished that time would
stop and that he could be inside him forever. When the smaller boy moaned that
he was close, Seung Hyun remembered what he’d learned. He wrapped his hand
around Youngbae’s dick and stroked him until he felt a warmth spilling onto his
hands.
 
Seung Hyun came soon after, spurred on by Youngbae’s soft moans and the way he
looked up at him like he was the only person in the entire world.
 
Their first time was over in an embarrassing amount of minutes.
 
Seung Hyun wouldn’t have had it--or his precious Youngbae--any other way.
***** Chapter 7 *****
Jiyong and Seungri were too cute. Literally.
 
It made Youngbae uncomfortable. The way they looked at each other all the time,
the way they made out in public. The way they were so obviously playing footsie
under the table at the diner while hanging out with Seung Hyun and Youngbae.
 
It’s not that it affected him personally. It’s just that Youngbae couldn’t
stand the looks from strangers; he hated attracting attention. They were on a
small day trip to the tourist part of the big city and even though it was
highly unlikely that they’d run into anyone they actually knew, Youngbae still
felt cautious about exposing the nature of his relationship with Seung Hyun.
 
He sucked on his strawberry milkshake, tried not to stress out as he watched
the couple in front of him and eyed Seung Hyun carefully. His soft dark hair
kept falling into his eyes and he flicked his head every so often instead of
brushing the strands away with his hands. It was such a Seung Hyun thing to do
and Youngbae suppressed the urge to kiss him right then and there.
 
Youngbae guessed he could understand how Jiyong and Seungri felt.
 
He wondered if Seung Hyun wished he was more like Seungri, forever doting on
his boyfriend. Youngbae was too serious, too shy, too concerned with what
others thought of him to be anything like that. He inwardly groaned when
Seungri wiped Jiyong’s face with a napkin after the elder finished eating his
meal.
 
The long walk home was mostly quiet. Youngbae loved that he didn’t need to
expend so much energy in small talk with Seung Hyun. They were as content and
comfortable in their silences as in their fits of boisterous laughter. He was
overwhelmed by a sudden love for Seung Hyun and his calming presence, so
Youngbae looked around, made sure that they were truly alone in the street
before suddenly stopping Seung Hyun.
 
“What is it?” Seung Hyun asked, as Youngbae tugged on his shoulders to make the
taller boy lean down. He let out a startled sound when Youngbae connected their
lips chastely.
 
“Not that I’m complaining, but what was that for?” Seung Hyun asked, amused
smirk set in place as they continued walking.
 
“You were cute earlier, messing with your hair,” Youngbae responded simply,
making Seung Hyun chuckle and reach out to lace their hands together.
 
It wasn’t long before Youngbae’s insecurities bubbled up to the surface again,
though, and he let go of Seung Hyun’s hand. “Do you wish I was like that?”
 
“Like what?” Seung Hyun asked, seemingly unperturbed.
 
“Like Jiyong and Seungri. Do you wish we were like that?”
 
Youngbae chanced a glance at Seung Hyun. His eyebrows were knitted in
concentration as he looked up into the night. “You mean all lovey-dovey all the
time?” he asked.
 
“Yeah,” Youngbae said, wishing he hadn’t brought this up. He didn’t really want
to know the answer. “They look happy,” he continued, despite himself.
 
Seung Hyun chewed on his bottom lip and Youngbae could just see the gears in
his head turning. “If I wanted to be like Jiyong and Seungri, I’d just date one
of them. Why do you think I want that?”
 
“I don’t know. It seems nice.”
 
Seung Hyun reached out to grab Youngbae’s arm and stop their forward movement.
“Step up,” he said, and butterflies kicked up in the younger boy’s stomach as
he stepped on top of Seung Hyun’s old sneakers when the older boy stood in
front of him.
 
Seung Hyun’s arms wrapped around Youngbae’s waist and he leaned down to make
their foreheads touch.
 
“You’re nice, and you’re perfect and I don’t ever want you to be anyone other
than who you are. I don’t care if you don’t kiss me in restaurants or wipe my
face like I’m a baby. All I care about is that you think the dumb things I do
are cute enough to remember and that you kiss me later on.”
 
“Seung Hyun,” Youngbae protested, cheeks burning with embarrassment.
 
“I know it’s corny as fuck, okay, but I just can’t see myself loving anyone
else but you.”
 
Youngbae looked up sharply, suddenly feeling like all the air was pushed out of
his lungs because Seung Hyun had just said he loved him, as his boyfriend, for
the very first time.
 
“I love you, too,” Youngbae managed to say with a lot of effort because the
smile that split his face was impossible to control. He stepped off of Seung
Hyun’s feet.
 
“I know,” Seung Hyun said, rubbing the top of Youngbae’s head with his knuckles
in a playful gesture. “Who wouldn’t?” he added.
 
Youngbae rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue and the way Seung Hyun
laughed, genuine and beautiful, made his heart into a kick drum.
 
A few minutes later, when Seung Hyun grabbed his hand again, Youngbae didn’t
pull away.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Seung Hyun had been dreading this day for two months. The day Youngbae would
get into a plane and fly away forever.
 
Okay, so maybe forever was an exaggeration. Youngbae had won a scholarship to
study abroad for the summer, so he’d be gone for three months. Which,
objectively, was not a ridiculous amount of time. To a twenty year old who
worked for minimum wage at a convenience store and did not have access to the
internet in his home, however, it was forever.
 
Seung Hyun tried to stay strong as he helped Youngbae navigate the airport,
dragging suitcases and his own breaking heart through the wide corridors. It
didn’t help matters that Youngbae was equally as affected. He wouldn’t meet
Seung Hyun’s eyes and the older boy swore he heard rogue sniffles coming from
the shorter boy.
 
When they reached the entrance to the gates, and Seung Hyun realized he
couldn’t follow, his hands began to tremble.
 
Youngbae turned and looked up at him shyly, lips quivering. “I guess this is
it.”
 
“Don’t say it like that,” Seung Hyun tried to joke because he had to be the
strong one here. “Three months are gonna fly by. You’ll see.”
 
Youngbae stepped a bit closer. “Please don’t forget about me. And be nicer to
your mom.”
 
“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not going to forget about you. And I’m already plenty
nice, don’t nag me.” I’m scared, too. And I want you to nag me forever, please
don’t leave.
 
Youngbae’s eyes were red-rimmed and shimmering with tears, and Seung Hyun
wanted to tell him that his world revolved around his smile, that he’d give up
anything just to be near him, that no amount of ocean miles and time spent
apart would ever change the fact that he loved him; he had loved him since he
was thirteen years old and he would love him until the day he died.
 
But he didn’t say it.
 
He had written it all down, the night before, when he couldn’t fall asleep
because he was just so damn sad. He handed Youngbae a folded up piece of
notebook paper. “Don’t read it until you get there.”
 
Youngbae nodded dutifully. Tried to keep his face placid.
 
The minutes ticked by until suddenly, it was time to part. Seung Hyun helped
Youngbae as far as he could, not wanting to part just yet. He was holding it
together, no tears spilled from his eyes even though he felt like his entire
world was falling apart.
 
Youngbae’s hands reached out to tug on Seung Hyun’s shoulders as he balanced
himself on the balls of his feet. He kissed Seung Hyun, mouth open and tongue
probing. It was the kind of passionate, heated kiss that they usually shared
behind closed doors and the fact that Youngbae felt desperate enough to kiss
him like that, in front of hundreds of strangers, made Seung Hyun feel dizzy
with both want and melancholy.
 
Leave it to Youngbae to make an arousing and depressing kiss his departing
gift.
 
“I love you,” Youngbae whispered breathily, between kisses. “Please don’t
forget me.”
 
“I won’t,” Seung Hyun promised, eyes finally watering after all the effort he
made to be the strong one. “I couldn't, even if I wanted to. I love you too
much.”
 
Youngbae pried himself away and left before either of them could change their
minds. Before he could miss his flight. Seung Hyun watched him, hoping and
dreading that he would turn around one last time. He didn’t turn around, but he
did raise his hand in the air, fingers in a peace sign, like he knew Seung Hyun
would be watching him.
 
One tough son of a bitch, Seung Hyun thought fondly as he made his way out of
the enormous airport. When he stepped outside the doors, it had already started
to rain. Seung Hyun thought it was fitting. The love of his life, the sun in
his sky, was gone.
 
He wouldn't see him again for six years.
***** Chapter 8 *****
“The first one always breaks your heart,” Jiyong said ruefully, stirring too
much sugar into his black coffee.
 
Youngbae sat across from him in the tiny diner, uncomfortable in the metal
chair and with the way Jiyong had lost so much weight. His face was gaunt and
his eyes drooped with exhaustion. He looked like life had beat the hell out of
him.
 
It had been six years since Youngbae had come back to his hometown and, like
all coming-of-age stories teach us, everything had changed.
 
“I guess so,” Youngbae responded. He didn’t like how he had a slight accent
after so many years of living far from home. He didn't like how a chance
meeting with an old friend had so quickly turned to a conversation about
heartbreak.
 
“I mean, it would be too good, you know, if you could keep them. Life doesn’t
work out that way, though. Not for people like us anyway.”
 
Youngbae wanted to ask him what he meant by people like us, but he was thinking
of his first love, the one that was the beginning and the end of everything.
The one that fucked him over.
 
Seung Hyun kept his promise for the first few weeks. When Youngbae was first in
the foreign city, overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the loud noise and grey
skies, Seung Hyun was a great comfort to him. They emailed back and forth, sent
each other pictures and when they could find a little privacy, even used Skype
on a few occasions. Seung Hyun’s face, grainy and pixelated, was still the most
beautiful thing in Youngbae’s life.
 
But then, a month passed and Seung Hyun stopped making an effort. The emails he
sent got shorter and shorter and then went from daily, to infrequent, to rare.
Until they stopped completely. Youngbae had tried to contact him desperately;
he'd sent numerous handwritten letters to Seung Hyun's home address, begging
for an explanation, but none were answered.
 
Youngbae was so distraught, so utterly broken, that he hadn’t returned home.
There was nowhere for him to go, anyway.
 
“I’m sorry about you and Seungri,” Youngbae said, sipping on his own mug of
coffee. Six years had passed and he still found it difficult to even think
about Seung Hyun. “Break ups are always hard.”
 
Jiyong snorted humorlessly. “We didn’t break up.”
 
Youngbae looked up at Jiyong’s face again. “What happened then?”
 
“They killed him.”
 
The silence that settled was heavy and thick. Jiyong took another long sip of
his drink before continuing. “I don’t even know who they were, just some
neighborhood thugs. We were so fucking stupid. Thought our love was stronger
than anything. Well, I’ll tell you, they caught us kissing one night and they
beat the living shit out of both of us. Would have killed me, too, except
Seungri kept throwing himself over me, taking most of the blows.”
 
Youngbae blinked, his heart raced as he thought of the fear that the teenagers
must have felt, the horror, the spilled blood. He couldn’t even find words to
express how deeply sorry he was, that such a bright light was snuffed out by
hate. That such a good love was trampled under heels.
 
“He died in my arms, before the ambulance even got there,” Jiyong said, and
Youngbae finally understood why his friend had changed so much. He wanted to
reach out and hold Jiyong’s hand, but he was suddenly cautious of every pair of
eyes that landed on the pair. Besides, there are some tragedies that no amount
of consolation can assuage and Youngbae knew a gentle hand would never be
enough for what had happened.
 
“I’m so sorry, Jiyong,” Youngbae said, though the words didn’t really seem like
enough.
 
Jiyong smiled a bit. “He was too good for this world any way, right? Too pure,
don’t you think?”
 
Youngbae thought of Seungri’s wide smile and thirst for attention, the way he
straightened his back when he knew Jiyong was looking at him. “Yeah,” Youngbae
agreed. “He was too good.”
 
“Have you seen Seung Hyun yet?” Jiyong asked, clearly wanting to take his mind
off of his murdered love. “Now that was something I was sure would last
forever.”
 
Youngbae shifted in his chair uncomfortably. His heartache didn’t seem like
much compared to Jiyong’s, but who can measure sorrow? “No. I don’t even know
if he still lives here.”
 
“I think I’ve seen him around, once or twice. Kind of dropped off after you
left, though. His mom still lives here so I know he’s still around. You should
visit her. Ask about him.”
 
Youngbae nodded, but he didn’t know if he had the nerve. When he knew he would
be returning home, he agonized over whether he should visit Mrs. Choi. He even
walked by the house a couple of times on his first day back. But he couldn't
work up the courage to ring the doorbell. He didn't know what he feared most,
that Mrs. Choi would still be kind and gracious, that she'd be cold and
distant, or that Seung Hyun would be there.
 
"Maybe I will." Probably not.
 
When they exited the diner, Jiyong didn’t hug Youngbae tightly like in the old
days. He didn't smile and he shoved his hands in he pockets nervously. He gave
a quick head nod before rushing off, disappearing into the night.
 
Youngbae walked alone, eyes scanning the darkness for any sudden movements,
mind racing with the implication of everything Jiyong had just told him. He
made it to his new apartment in one piece.
 
Most of his stuff was still in boxes and his bed was just a mattress on the
floor. It had been a few weeks since Youngbae had moved back--spurred on by his
new career and newfound sense of justice--but he couldn’t bring himself to
unpack.
 
He laid down on the mattress, too emotionally drained to take off his clothes,
or do anything but rub slow circles on his torso, slow and steady, in an
attempt to fall asleep.
 
He couldn’t imagine what the next few months had in store for him. He couldn’t
imagine that his life would be turned completely upside down, like an
hourglass, and that he’d be left reeling and struggling through the aftermath
of what awaited him.
 
There was no way for Youngbae to know that the next time he saw Seung Hyun,
he’d be pointing a gun at his head.
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